Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.
My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.
I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.
Who this article is for?
This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you just broke up, and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.
However, if you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.
What This Article Is About?
This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.
It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).
Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.
Content:
- Step 1: Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation
- Step 2: Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
- Step 3: During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
- Step 4: Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message (Hint: Think Elephant)
- Step 5: Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.
Let’s begin. Here’s how to get your ex back.
STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)
I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.
Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.
So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.
That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.
But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.
But in reality, it goes something like this.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.
Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.
Your thought pattern becomes something like
- If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
- If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he’ll take me back.
Again, your instincts are screwing with you.
Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.
And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?
Or do you want them to respect and love you?
Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You
Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.
How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection
Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.
How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you.
In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.
Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating
The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.
I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.
I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs).
And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.
Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.
They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.
They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)
Deadly Mistake Number 6: Name Calling and Anger
Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.
It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious to your instincts.
If you used to abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.
Your instinct wants to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.
The same way it happened when you both fought.
This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.
Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
Case Study 1: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn
Terry and Amanda fought bad. So bad that the neighbors had to knock on their doors at least once a month.
Threatening to leave each other was a very common occurrence in their fights.
But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.
The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.
At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.
She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.
He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.
Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.
It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.
He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.
Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.
The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other,
they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.
Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.
The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.
“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry
Deadly Mistake Number 7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation
The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.
Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It will ask questions like,
- “Is my ex missing me?”
- “Does he still love me?”
- “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
- “Will she start dating someone already?”
- “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
- “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
- “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.
I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.
It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.
These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.
Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following
“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”
Do you see the problem here?
Your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.
No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.
These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.
In fact, most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through.
They are a result of panicked mind that is trying to do an impossible task.
Moreover, when you are trying to interpret your ex’s action and social media activity, you will probably misinterpret them and do something to push them away.
For example,
- If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
- If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
- If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
- If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. This will probably make you freak out, call them and act controlling and borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.
It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.
What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.
It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
Case Study 2: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back
The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.
She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.
She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.
But all she could get from her ex was this line.
“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”
She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.
She did manage to get him back by following this exact plan.
The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.
When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.
“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.
I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.
It’s simple and very effective.
All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
- No Calling
- No Texting
- No Facebook Messaging
- No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
- No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
- No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
- No keeping tabs on them via friends.
Why do no contact?
For three reasons
Reason 1 : Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.
People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.
But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and he will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting him.
Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting him, you immediately become not needy in his mind.
Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.
Reason 2: You also need some space and time.
You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.
It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.
You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.
Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Reason 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.
You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
How long is the no contact period?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.
Your ex during No Contact Period
At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.
Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?
No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.
- What if my ex moves on during no contact?
- What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
- What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?
No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.
You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days.
And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.
What if My ex and I have Children?
If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.
You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.
You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you personal question, you tell them something like,
“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”
What if my ex and I live together?
If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.
If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.
My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?
That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.
If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.
And it didn’t work.
The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.
Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.
And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.
You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.
This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.
What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, no, that’s not a good question.
In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.
Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.
But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.
You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.
But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.
A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.
They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.
There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.
- They might start contacting you every day.
- They might get angry.
- They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
- They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
- They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
- The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.
I’ll soon write an article in detail about everything that your ex might do during no contact and how you should react to it. Check back on this space later to read that article. For now, let’s move on to what your focus should be during no contact. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)
Case Study 3: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.
Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.
Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.
When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.
Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.
He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.
A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.
Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.
The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.
She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.
Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.
She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.
He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.
“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”
This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.
He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.
Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.
“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.
If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.
But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.
You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.
Positive Changes In Your Appearance
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do.
- Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
- Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
- Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
- Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
Positive changes in your mentality
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.
Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.
1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.
2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.
3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.
Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits
In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.
- Controlling Nature
- Extreme Jealousy
- Insecurity
- Lack of Passion
- Low Self-Esteem
- Lack of Personal Hygiene
- Lack of Motivation in Life
- Lack of Communication Skills
- Lack of Social Skills
- Inability to Trust
- Inability to Commit
If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist.
I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.
Analyzing Your Relationship
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
- I love my ex.
- I can’t live without my ex.
- I am miserable without my ex.
- He/She was the only one for me.
- I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.
It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.
However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.
Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.
You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now.
So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.
And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.
Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It
Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.
There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.
But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.
- Attraction
- Connection
- Or Trust
For example,
- You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
- You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
- Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
- You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
- Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
- Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.
Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup
If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.
If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.
And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.
It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Case Study 4: He Came Back, but it Was No Happy Ending
Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.
If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say
“Obsessed with her ex.”
She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.
She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.
Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.
Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.
She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.
That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.
Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.
A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.
They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.
The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.
This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.
Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
READ FULL ARTICLE
Hello! My ex boyfriend broke up with me over 2 months ago. We are 24 years old. Dated for over 1,5 years. We had a quarrel which I have begun because of something I felt he did wrong. We did not see each other for 2 weeks because he went for a trip with friends, but we kept the issue through messages. He broke up with me after he came back. He said he was tired with this relationship and that he does not want to be in a relationship now (though he said that even if he will be it will not be serious). We didnt fight, I tried to convince him a little, but he did not change the decision so i had to accept. We were even laughing at each other for crying in public. We agreed on staying friends and kept contact for 5 days, then we met up and had a good time talking about general matters. When we were parting i said we should not contact for some time and he said he will wait for me to contact him when i am ready. I did no contact for 50 days, i followed the guides on improving myself. He replied to my message positively but he does not keep conversation or ignore some messages. What should i do next? I wanted to meet up to exchange our things which we still have. But i guess i should wait?
Since it has been 50 days of no contact, naturally things would be a little awkward at first, as he isn't used to talking to you again so frequently. I suggest being patient and taking it slow to let him get more comfortable with talking to you again (without you coming across as desperate or overbearing).
To follow no contact rule should I block him from everywhere like WhatsApp and all so that he can't see me online
You don't have to. Instead, keep him unblocked and perhaps become active on those platforms so that your presence becomes felt more prominently as this might cause him to begin missing you.
Hey guys,
Ex girlfriend broke up with me almost 7 weeks ago. I tried slow contact after 2 and a half weeks but didn't really work/I got too needy. Now, its almost been 3 weeks since I have contacted her. My relationship ended, I believe, because I was insecure, immature, and would lie. Not a lot, but lie nonetheless. A week before the breakup, she said "It scares me how easily you can lie". I want to apologize for that without looking needy, but I don't know if I should now, or after a month of no contact has passed. Im worried she's going to have a negative image of me in her head and move on more easily because of it. Also, should it be a letter or a text? Thanks.
My ex boyfreind broke up with me in about 2 week I send him a message telling him bad things because he leave me we were in a relationship of 6 month we were really good and dream about our future together and suddenly I travelled abroad alone when I come back he broke up with me only the reason of travelling and because I posted something in facebook that I were with someone but this someone is married and he just help me in my travel time my ex told me I know this persone he is bad so we stop here I really want him back and till now is 2 week without contact
Try completing NC for another 2-3 weeks to give him some time to cool off first. This might have been a misunderstanding and he have been jealous and acted irrationally.
Hi. My ex broke up with me about a month ago after 7 months of dating. She said she didn't love me anymore but I feel like that's not why because she never acted different towards me. When we were dating, she said she never felt this way with anyone, she trusted me more than anybody (but I broke that trust by telling our mutual friends a secret she had), and we talked about the future together. The last couple weeks before she broke up with me I started to act really distant towards her - ignored her whenever I was near her and barely responded on Snapchat and iMessage (when I did, I came off as like I didn't want to talk to her). She felt "alone and that I was done with her" but in reality I wasn't and was angry at something with my family but never told her. I told her that was why I was acting the way I did but she said she's still worried that I'm going to do that if we do get back together. Is it possible the reason she broke up with me was because she didn't love me anymore or because I was too distant and I broke her trust? About 3 weeks after we broke up, I started doing no contact and I told her that I was giving her the time she needed (which is what she asked for but I didn't listen) and also apologized for my behavior (I begged and pleader her to take me back). It's been 10 days since I last texted her and I see her with this new guy but she told a mutual friend that they were just friends (her friends, my friends, and our mutual friends all say he is a complete downgrade to me) but they act all secretive. Could this be to get me jealous (she knows I get jealous because I got mad at her for wearing another guy's shirt)? Also, she told our mutual friend that there was a chance we would get back together before I begged and pleaded but after I begged and pleaded with her there wasn't. Is that a bad sign or was she just saying that because I bothered her?
Her negative emotions towards you at this point could still be relatively fresh, which was why she said there was no chance with you to her friend. I suggest not overthinking the situation with her and the other guy in your head because it would cause you to feel negative at the end of the day. Since you are in no contact officially, work on yourself first and foremost before contacting her again in the future as an improved person so that she sees you in a different light. Even if she says there's no chance, you could always create that chance if your improvements are prominent enough.
Thanks. I forgot to mention this but when we broke up she said she wanted to be friends and that she liked me as a friend. Is that a bad sign?
Most exes would typically say that during the breakup to make the other party feel better and its very common. It doesn't usually mean anything - in both positive or negative light. You should continue with your plans for positive change and try not to be phased by whatever she said back then.
Hi, I dated a guy for 3 months, we started really well, and strong. He’s a hopeless romantic type of man. He made lots of effort to see me on his free time, sends me sweet messages when he wakes up, he was very open about his family to me, especially bout his kids. (He’s divorced and he sees his kids every week). There were also times that I stay in his place for few days because he wanted me to stay. My fault was I asked too soon about our relationship, like I was asking for a “label”. He told me that why don’t I just let things happen naturally. (I felt I have pressured him). Things started to change when I said to him that I am leaving for few months then will be back later this year. After few days, he replied to me and said that he doesn’t want to commit to me and we can just be friends. I replied and apologized if maybe I pressured him or what. I also asked him if there’s another woman, he said no. I told him that I’m fine in taking things slowly. He agreed to that and he said he’ll continue seeing me then. After a month, I felt that there’s more gap. Less communication from him, he’s not as sweet as before. There was even a time that when I visited his place, he said that I have to leave at a specific time because he said he has something to do after that. I really felt something wrong. After few days , i asked him the truth and there, He said he started seeing another woman. He said that he lost hope in us because I am leaving. He didn’t want to be alone, and that I deserve someone else because He’s an emotional wreck and a mess. I told him that he should not say that and I accept him and all his flaws. I asked him if he loves the woman, he just told me that I care for her , but I love you. He said that Our connection is really different compared to her, he connects to me deeply. He said that He can’t stop seeing me but he has to stop so that i won’t get hurt anymore. I am confused because, He said he loves me but he’s rushing to meet someone else and commit to her. I don’t even know if I should believe him that really loves me or just saying it for the sake of being nice to me. Is still there a chance for me to see him again when I am back , or will he easily forget me when i do no contact. and What if I am back and he’s still dating, is there no hope anymore? I love him and I am giving him space and doing the no contacf for few days now. It’s really hard , and I want to do the correct steps.
If he says that there's a connection with you different from the other person, when you're back, you'll only be able to know for certain then. I would honestly suggest moving on with your life since you'll be gone regardless for a couple of months and he's already expressed not wanting a LDR in that duration, so getting back together now would only lead to a possible second breakup when you're away.
Hello. Well, smth like 12 days after I started no contact after 3 discursions by phone but just by business, my boy - friend texted me asking some personal questions about how my business was going. I answered that very well, but couldn't talk to him as a friend right now, because needed some more time and space. He tried to joke and then said that talking or not he was remembering about me and my son. Then he changed his watsup foto for a more smily one and from our common journey to skiing. He also put a like on my fotos from last journey in fcbk.
I really haven't ever asked him to come back or looked needy. But smth like a week after separation and no contact by my own will (before starting with this couching) we met. He cried and was saying that his feelings were not gone. So I like in a way of calming him down said: so would you like me to go with to your home town?? Because this was the issue during the relation ship and there he went when left me. He answered: I should think about it, 4 months ago I wouldn't doubt, but now I should think. During that meeting I also said I thought he was right to go and I had committed many mistakes in the relation ship. He said it was a pity to hear that now and no before. So my question is basically : should I continue no contact now??
Yes, continue with NC in the meantime and he does not seem to really know what he wants right now. He may have lost attraction for you back then, but still has feelings for you. If you allow him to get back with you right now just because he misses the times, there's a likelihood of him repeating the same thing down the road again.
So my ex and I recently split up. Well. She said she wanted a break. same thing though right? Before reading all of this stuff and how texts can be useful, I told her I'd delete her number so I wouldn't feel tempted to contact her, she asked me not to, but I did anyway. But our text thread still exists and I cannot bring myself to delete it. I did slide it into the archive section though so I don't have to see it. Should I go through with the deletion? If I don't, and I eventually text her even after the NC time is up, I feel like I'll come off as weak and needy since I told her I was going to delete everything but didnt..?
We also both have the WhatsApp, and her number is in there and we haven't used it in several months. So I could use that and just act like I happened to come across it, which technically I did just that. Thoughts?
She also owes me a few hundred dollars, has a key to my house, and my kayak is at her house... I could probably just go get the kayak without breaking the NC rule, but that might be risky and sort of creepy and I don't want to cross that line. Should I ask for these things back? Again, that would be breaking the NC rule.. or should I just forget about it all until the NC time has passed and I'm into further stage?
Normally we would encourage you to get your stuff back first before starting NC. However, if that is unavoidable, a brief meeting to exchange items does not count as breaking NC unless you start acting needy or desperate when meeting her. It really depends on the motive behind the contact and whether it's necessary or not. You don't have to delete her texts if you don't want to since only you would know.
Hi there,
My girlfriend broke up with me three days ago. I am still in substantial pain, but I fully understand why she broke up with me even if she does not. I was needy and jealous during the relationship and every time she wanted to hang out with a guy friend I would get upset or passive aggressive. Some other things added up and she decided to end things the other day. She said she needed time to think and she always talked about needing more time to herself. I was selfish and not understanding but I fully realize now what she wanted. I immediately initiated no contact after she broke up with me not wanting to make similar mistakes and wanting to show her that I can give her space and that I am truly not a needy man. My question is am I wasting my time in trying to get her back? I want her back because I still see a future with her and I now see this breakup as an opportunity for us to fix both of our problems and work on each other. She was crying in the break up for a whole hour saying she wanted to love me again but just did not feel the same way. I feel deep down she still has feelings but my controlling nature hid them from her. I am working on that immediately and will fix it by the time I contact her. Just want to know if I am on the right track or if I should contact her sooner because of how the breakup went. Thank you.
You're on the right track. Contacting her earlier may result in reverting back to your old self because not enough time has been given for you to make the positive changes permanent. Also, she may not be ready to face you yet either, so you'll want enough time to pass before trying to win her back.
Thank you for your response. So she contacted me last week and we actually got dinner and went to Target and had a great time. But she saw it only as us being friends. She was really flirty and touchy all night. She talked to me all last week before the meetup, but now after the fact she does not talk to me barely at all. I think she sees that I really do want her back and not just be friends with yet. But the catcher is that I think she is with a guy who I had worries about in our relationship. She is definitely always hanging out with him late at night. Although he might be a friend I have my doubts about it. Should I initiate no contact and keep it or should I try and be friends with her again and win her back that way. I know I should not want her back at this point but like I said, I know deep down this girl is my future. I messed up and I am determined to fix it.
If there are changes you know you should be making in your life, perhaps it might be better to focus on them first instead of half trying to chase her back, and half trying to make changes. She may see you as a friend mentally, but there are still habits ingrained into her behavior after being together with you. However, if you want to win her back, you're only going to succeed by winning her emotionally, which may require the space and for her to be able to see you in a different light, hence the no contact period.
Hello! After NC I went out with my ex-gf a couple of times. She was friendly and we had a great time. Our meetings gave her second thoughts but she was determined to stick to her decision (there weren't serious reasons for our breakup and things ended really well). She saw through my plan so she told me we can't keep going out "as friends". She's not a huge fan of texting and I'm a bit afraid to propose another meet-up. Any advice? Thanks!
Perhaps give it some time before trying to call her up since she doesn't like texts. You don't necessarily have to ask her out at that point. Even having a positive conversation over the phone may do you some good in how she responds to and views you.
My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for 6 years. We made it a habit to at least visit every other month. Whenever we would argue I would threaten to leave him. Growing up, when things got rough, I have always been told you could leave the situation. We never broke up; we always talked it out. This past March I went to visit him for a week. He proposed. At first, I was hesitant, I was never one to think of myself as being married. Some days past and the idea really grew on me; especially with him. On April first we got into another argument and I made the same mistake again; this time he did not take me back. He would not talk to me (texts, phone, etc) I gave him space for a week before reaching out to apologize. However, since I was so quick to ask for forgiveness he thinks I use breakups as a weapon (looking back, I totally did). I asked if it was something that we could work on and he said he did not know; that he just did not want to talk to me right now. After another week and a half of silence, I caved. I told him I loved him but I couldn't live with the ghost of him. That I want the opportunity to show how I could fix my mistakes but how it seemed like I would not get that chance. He responded shortly after saying his heart wants to take me back but his head believes I would just make the same mistake. I told him I want to prove it to him but in the end I just want him to be happy. That it breaks my heart but I just want him to be happy. He said it broke his heart too and I replied I wouldn't know. He thought I was trying to be hurtful so he responded, "Fine, say what you have to to hurt me. Goodbye." After that, I made all of the wrong moves. I cried, begged, made promises (I am embarrassed to admit I did this during our post break up conversations). I tried to explain that I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks; that I had no idea what was going through his mind. This happened April 15th. It's May 5th. I have not reached out to him. Every time I get the urge to I write my message on a notepad. I have had time to reflect on myself and the situation and I have come up with action steps to take when the feeling of fight or flight arises. I have accepted the break-up and I understand why it happened. However, I do not know where to go from here. I want us to be together. We have been together for 6 years and he just proposed. I do not know how to reach out to him and I do not know what to say? Do I send a casual text or is it more of an elephant in the room scenario? Thank you for taking the time to read; I hope to hear from....anyone soon.
This would require more of an elephant in the room scenario, especially since the relationship ended on a bad note with several issues that have not been addressed. Show him that you are sincere and apologetic about how you acted in the past.
Hey everyone,
No Contact was a success for a month. Sent the elephant text/apology for my actions after and it was well received. I was planning on waiting five days, but she texted me one day after apologizing for hurting me. It's been a day since I read it, and I'm not sure if I should break that 5 day rule or not by responding to her. Ideas? If I stay quiet, how do i explain myself at the end of the 5 days? Thanks
If things are going positively, I recommend going along with the flow but using our timeline as more of a guideline rather than a rule.
Hello,
My ex boyfriend and I dated for 4 months and we were great! We were so in love and had a good time together. About a week before we broke up, he was concerned about me moving away and forgetting about me, though I will only be an extra 30 minutes away. We talked it through and we both said we wanted to get through it thick and thin. The night before we broke up, I went up to the church he performs at and it seemed like we didn’t have any problems. We hugged and kissed and I didn’t think that would be the last time I would. The next day we broke up because he said God was calling him to singleness for a while. It hurt so bad because we are both Christians and the fact God did this hurt so bad. A week later, I asked if I could call him to ask him some questions to try to figure out what this all means for us. He said he didn’t really know why but God called him to he single. He said he was happier being single but I really don’t believe it. He says he still wants me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I told him to give it a month to make sure it was the right decision. My question is what do I do after this month has ended? Do I contact him? Do I wait for him to contact me? Will he lose interest in me after one month? Did I even do the right thing in telling him to wait and see? I’m kinda worried because I do love him so much and I don’t think our relationship needs to be forgotten so soon. I’ve prayed about it, and now I just need some really helpful advice. Thanks!
-Anna
Hey Anna, you can use this article to serve as a guideline on what to do after NC has ended. Keep in mind that while as disrespectful as this may sound to the religion, ensure that his reasoning of God calling him for singlehood is not actually just a convenient excuse to use instead of saying that he lost feelings for you.
I think his feelings are honest because we talked about it and he said he felt that we were “unequally yoked” and “not on the same path spiritually”. I might be just oblivious to it and he might be lying to me, so what if he has lost interest in me? What do I do then?
If he has lost interest in you, follow the guidelines in our website on how you could go about rebuilding attraction, but if he genuinely ended the relationship due to differences in both party's spiritual paths, then it might be harder to convince him otherwise.
Hi,
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she said she needed more independence and wanted to live her life and grow on her own. We go to different colleges about 3 hours apart so the entire breakup happened over the phone. It took me about a week to stop texting her after the breakup but have been on no contact for about a week now. We had agreed that we were going to meet up in person when we both got home after exams in a little over a week. I had told her she owed it to me to break up with me to my face and she agreed. After reading this article it sounds like that might be too soon to meet up. My plan right now is to wait for her to initiate contact about the details of the in-person meeting. When/if she reaches out, should I tell her I don't have time to meet? I'm leaving on a trip the day after so I could get away with saying I need to pack.
Thanks in advance.
It depends on the situation, but generally yes, it is still too soon to meet her. I don't think you should enforce that face-to-face breakup as it would only serve to strengthen the reality of it and may even lower your chances.
Hello,
Girlfriend and I dated for about 6 months, and to cut things short, things ended because she felt like we just didn't "connect" anymore. After 2 and a half weeks of no contact (by 2 weeks she sent a drunk FaceTime call, which I didn't respond to), I sent her a elephant in the room letter, apologizing for how I acted so needy and desperate during the breakup. After I started rebuilding attraction via text messages, slowly. I started to notice this new guy on her snapchat story. She always posted pictures of them together in friend groups, rather than just the two of them. I never thought anything of it. When I would message her, she would always reply but she wouldn't do so very enthusiastically. Her behavior changed a lot after I sent that letter. I started to notice that guy was on her story just about every weekend. Something to note, we are in college together. Anyways, just now I saw she went to Boston on a boat with some random people and this guy too. It was on her snapchat story again. My friend tells me she was walking with him, just the two of them, to his car so he could drive them there. It's been 5 and a half weeks, and she started hanging out with this kid only 3 weeks after the breakup. Finals end next week, and they are from two different states, hours apart. The kid looks nothing like me, and my friend tells me his ex used to date him and that he is a total douchebag and not a nice person. She has been with douchebags in the past and used to always tell me when we were together that I was so nice to her and she hated that all the people she was ever with were dicks to her. I haven't spoken to her in 9 days, when I sent her a memory text and talked about my past insecurities and how I've worked on them. Anyways, does this seem like a rebound? And does it work in my favor that this kid is a total dick, something that she has dealt with in the past and has no problem ending things with? Also, what should my move be now? Just no contact again during the summer? When will I know when to reach out? Thanks,
-Phil
Hi,my girlfriend and I got back together in November.But recently,she spends more time watching tv and movies,than she does talking to me.I go all day and half the night without hearing from her. She claims that her house has bad cellphone reception,except in her living room,where she watches movies at.I feel she can make the effort,if her phone reception is good there.We used to talk all the time and I'm starting to wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong?
It could be that she's getting bored of the relationship, or losing interest in you. You're going to have to find a way to re-create the spark and new memories with her if you don't want her to pull away further.
Hi.. I had been in relationships with one girl since last 3 years, although she and me both had rough time in between. Last August we decided to get marry, but because of some serious family problems I had to stay away from her for two months.. In which she started having new new problems, eventually she broke up with me in November 2017. However we used to talk on phone on n off rarely, met few times in last 5-6 months. Then suddenly before few days she again started talking to me and u realised that she was seeing some guy since we broke up. Right away. And now they had very very ugly situation so she broke up with him. She is kinda miserable n so she came back to me to talk.. I wasn't seeing anyone in these months. I really loved her and was concentrating to move on.. Now we both still are single. What I should do, how I should behave and what shoul be my behavior with her and my own emotions??
Keep things casual and don't act desperate or needy but be there for her and slowly re-build attraction from there.
Hi. My bf and I dated for 13 months though the last month he was really distant and we only hung out once and barely texted. I knew he was really stressed since he was switching jobs and had some important presentations coming up so I tried to just give him some space. I texted about once a week that I was upset at the distance and missed him during this time. Finally, he said we needed to meet to talk. That’s when he ended it by saying he just wanted friends in his life, nothing more. I didn’t say much and after a few minutes of just sitting there I left in tears. I texted him once that night saying that I was angry and disappointed and I wished he had just talked to me. Then I wished him good luck on the new job. That was a few days ago. I’ve told myself to keep all my appointments and plans and so far it has been really helpful but I have one problem. An event in a little over a week, a work happy hour, that I always go to has been turned into a goodbye happy hour for him (we used to be at the same company). My original plan was to go for a hour and then keep an appointment at the gym. But now I don’t know what to do. If I don’t go it will seem like I’m avoiding him and not ok (I’m sad and miss him terribly but I am ok), because I always go, but if I do then I’m breaking NC and maybe it looks like I’m trying to see him. What do I do? We have some mutual work friends and his new office is in my neighborhood so I know eventually we’ll run into each other but is this too soon?
You could use this article as a guideline on how to handle events where meeting your ex becomes unavoidable.
I had a question about after no contact. If they ask you about any women you've seen since the break up would it be best to be very vague and not really tell them much, or to tell them everything to make yourself look more available.
It would really depend on the type of person your ex is, but generally I would advice on not to play too many mind games because it may easily backfire where she gets jealous or on the opposite end think you are trying to show off and win the break up.
What is a realistic time frame to keep in mind or to let me know when to call it quits and move on?
I am on reconnecting right now. After a month of no contact back in January.
During no contact, she messaged me that she missed me but I successfully proceeded with no contact and I even talked to someone else and went out on a date with them until no conact was over and then reached out with the elephant in the room text and received a positive reaction. We have been texting and talking on the phone and hanging out maybe once a week, sometimes twice, ever since but JUST AS FRIENDS.
Reconnect started the beginning of February so it has been almost 3 months since we’ve started hanging out and talking again and getting along fairly well. We talk pretty much every day. Sometimes she’ll initiate and sometimes I do.
Sometimes I feel as if she wants to take it further than friends again, and sometimes I feel as if she doesn’t. Sometimes I feel there is someone else she is talking to, sometimes I feel she is not. I take it this is normal.
I want to keep rebuilding the attraction but some days it just feels as if I should move on.
My question then is, is there some sort of time frame say for example 6 months and if she hasn’t said anything, move on? Or 8 months? Or is there no deadline, if you will. How should I proceed?
- Thanks.
To be honest, there isn't a real guideline on this matter because different people would adhere to different speeds and success levels. Usually, it's up to your own personal stamina on this, and if it's taking a toll on your emotional well-being. Perhaps have a conversation with her soon regarding this matter and where she stands.
Hey. So I was quite far into no contact with my ex until I got quite ill this weekend and contacted him about it. He came to see me in hospital and has been texting me a little bit. Do I need to start no contact again with him? Thank you
Hi
Im in a very delicate situation, we have been together for 2 years and half.
But so 2 weeks ago i asked him a time break, and that was when things got really messy, the morning after i said i didnt want the break time, but i thought he needed, and he accepted! During that week since i was feeling depressed, i was totally broken down to the core, i was having panic attacks and calling him when i knew all he wanted was space and time to deal with the stuff, i was sending him messages saying that he didnt care and if he was having thoughts of breaking up he just should do it. Summarizing i was the fuel for him to break up with me.
I didnt want us to break up, from that day i asked him to pick his stuff at my place and up until now things are still in my place. I have broken the no contact rule and spoken to him 2 times already one 4 days after the break up, and another after 3 days.
We talked like friends and the 1st time i only asked why he lefted me because on the day we broken up i wasnt myself, and i apologized to him for that. He also said things could have been different if he talked more to me at certain times, but things were done and we could only move on. Which i agreed because i want to turn the page and start anew but with him present, that time we spoke in fb but we kinda laughed at some things too. The other time was 2 days ago, i said if he agreed to stay as friends he should fb me more and he shouldnt ghost out of my life, and he said he would send more msgs, and we also talked for 1h and we spoke a bit and was kinda forced but we had a good talk, there wasnt bad memories from it. I said in the end that i liked to talk to him and i didnt know if he felt the same and he said that he liked to talk to me too and to not worry about it.
After our break up my friends that see him in classes say that he looks like he havent slept he looks sad, and he started smoking again (he quitted this year by himself i never asked that of him).
I know im an atomic bomb and i have a lot of trust issues and we broke up because of miscommunication and because of the bad mood i was causing due to my depression, we are still friends but and i know my hapiness is not defined by him, but what i loved the most was i could share my hapiness with him and see what made him happy. Can you help me what ca i do?
As you've mentioned, he probably just needs some space and time to deal with all this, so it might be a good idea to let him breathe a little while you spend some time picking yourself up and building upon positive changes in your life. Find a way to deal with the emotions and insecurities because if you don't, getting back together may result in a similar outcome down the road if your emotions get the better of you.
Hi Kevin,
I had been with my ex for 6 years and he broke up with me suddenly claiming that he does not love me anymore. His only explanation was that we had many fights in our relationship and it was very tiring for him to compromise. He was not willing to give me another chance to fix things because he doesnt want to give me any false hope that he will fall in love with me again. He felt that we will still be fighting over the same thing in the end if we get back together. We agreed to remain as friends but he claimed that it is still quite awkward and weird for him to become close friends again. He said that he needed time to sort things out but is not interested in pursuing a relationship currently.
As I have always initiated contact with him after the breakup, he always replies but never tried to initiate a conversation with me. I have just started my no contact period but should I be posting my everyday life on social media or should i block him so that he doesnt know what is happening in my life? Please advice!
Keep him on social media and post on the positive changes you're making to your life. Ultimately, you want him to see that you're making changes and reconsider the relationship.
First of all, thank you very much for this comprehensive and detailed plan. I was not expecting to find Information of this quality.
I would like to pick your brain about my Situation - My gf of a year and a half and I went on a break 2 days ago - she initiated this move which was very surprising and out of the blue. We are in a LDR, are seeing each other quite regularly and for Extended periods of time. The relationship has been far from perfect - she is severly depressed and has a hard time to get her life back on track. I have not been reacting quite insecure and codependent throughout the relationship because she is not the most loving Person at all times due to her Depression. Now that I know more about this illness I can see how my behavior drove her away and was not the most supporting behavior - even though I have been very supportive of her in general.
She said that she couldn't handle the pressure of a romantic relationship at the Moment because she can't even handle herself and my insecure behavior has also been a lot as I already mentioned. She said that she loves me very much but my behavior has driven her away a Little bit. I was very understanding and calm throughout the whole talk and supported her in her decision, knowing that I also needed to work on my codependency. We agreed on no contact until we both felt better - however she texted me yesterday morning saying that she was thinking of me and the she hopes that I have a good day. And hoping that she wasn't intruding. I answered short but nice and I called her in the evening and we had a nice and short phone call where we shared quite some laughters.
My codepedent mind is freaking out at the thought of not contacting her and basically treating this like a break up so that there would be a clean slate. But I know it's the only way.
Do you see any chance in this going somewhere again?
As long as you had a meaningful relationship with her, it's unlikely that she would move on so quickly. However, avoid letting the codependent mind as you put it get the better of you because she clearly felt stressed out by the emotional aspects of the relationship, and by acting on your emotions may end up pushing her further away. You want to remain strong and someone she can seem to depend on when she needs to, instead of having to pick up because of insecurities.
I ended things with my boyfriend, thinking I wanted to and that it was the right thing. It has been 4 weeks and I still want him back. The problem is that he already has a new girl. The week after I ended things he posted pictures of her on snap chat captioning it date night with hearts and other things like bae. I didn't know he could already be with someone after a week. We were long distance and it makes me feel like he may have been cheating on me, or that this is just a rebound. 2 weeks after breaking up even after posting those pictures of her, he drunk texted me and I should have left it at that, but I replied in the morning with this long text saying something along the lines of "while you're with a new girl, I am still heart broken and that your actions have been immature and that maybe it was right for me to end things." I never heard a response and the week after he posted a picture with the same girl at a concert on instagram that I was supposed to go to with him. Did I ruin my chances by that text? I want to get him back, but don't know how serious he is with her, and don't know if me calling him immature made him not want to be with me even more. I want to work harder on the long distance relationship this time around and need to know what to do to go about it from here. I feel like he may be doing this to get back at me, but he also is the guy that jumps into a relationship. Please help me what to do. Thanks
I don't think you ruined your chances by replying, but if he is someone who jumps so easily to new relationships, it might be something to be wary of because he may have been talking to her even before the breakup as you've mentioned. At this point, while he's still together with someone else, there's not a lot you can do either way, so it might be a better idea to focus on yourself for the time being.
The TL;DR: I'd love your advice on what to text my ex who abruptly ended things because he's moving for a job. Background is that we were dating exclusively for several months with so much in common, both were taking it seriously but slowly, no games, so I really saw it going somewhere.
Although I knew he was interviewing, I didn't know his goal was to move to a different market within Europe. The second he got this job, which doesn't start for another 3 months and is an hour away by plane, 3 by train, he ended things, telling me that i was the “total package,” but that “for now, long distance seemed too difficult…”
I responded saying that I had considered him to be the total package, that I have no expectations, but that I would like to continue seeing him, at least while he’s still in town. He never responded, which shocked me because what we had was really great, so no reason to just throw me away.
The no contact period is over so my question is what can I text him to get him back, to get him to at least open the lines of communication and try to be open to having me in his life? I know a new job is a new life, (& I also understand his decision!) but I’m heart-broken and can’t believe that I’ll never talk to or see him again, especially since he’s still here and what we had was really great.. During the relationship, I wasn’t clingy at all, gave him a lot of space, time, etc, but I did cry when he ended things.
There was probably a reason why he didn't hesitate to end things with you the moment he found out that he was going to move cities for a new job. It could be entirely no fault of yours, and he just wasn't serious enough about you, or felt that he still wasn't ready to settle down, etc. I suggest you try to figure out what that reason is before you consider trying anything again because if he wasn't serious about you from the start, then it may be better not to waste your time any further.
The reason was that he'd been having quite a few conversations with this company, so already was in the mind space of leaving the current city & life behind. In addition, from the time he got the offer and we talked on the phone, to the time we met in person & there was still hope, and then to the time he ended it a few days later, it was clear that he'd talked to a lot of people who told him LTRs fail, and had really given it thought. When we talked Thursday, he said we'd talk about it together Sunday, made what sounded like normal plans on Sunday. On Sunday, it was clear he'd talked to people who were against LTRs, and had thought about it, BUT was still open because he said he'd never expected to meet me, and also said he didn't know what to do. And on Wednesday he texted to end it.
I understand him being career-driven and doing what's best for his career, and I support that, which I told him, and also made it clear I had zero expectations. I don't understand completely cutting off all communication.
I've been thinking of sending a few different texts. He's extremely goal-oriented, able to separate from emotions/can be "cold", so I don't know what to tap into to get a connection:
1. that I was at place X we'd been to in the winter, that it made me think of him, and ask how he is/write "hope you're well
2. same as above, but say how difference place X was in the spring, and either a. say "hope you get a chance to go before you leave" OR actually ask him if he would want to go
3. Tell him i got back into sport X, ask about that place where he played, with a "hope you're well"
4. be honest and say that I know he's got a lot going on as he's prepping for the move, just wanted to know he's on my mind, let him know that I'm always here for him (though I know this won't elicit anything), and that I'd like to be part of his life (though said in a more chill way)
5. other option?
To your point, I think he was starting to separate emotions for me/distance himself emotionally, from his career goals, so I'm stuck.
If that is the case, to be honest there isn't much you can do to change his mind because a guy who puts his career first may very well be someone who isn't afraid to cut things off from his life to achieve his goals. If he genuinely is like that, perhaps you might want to consider being fair to yourself and moving on instead.
If you can't find your comment around, it may not have met the guidelines for posting and was not accepted.
I tried this.
And yes it worked. Me and my ex are back together. I did not call text and when I saw him I treated him with respect and smiled. I held no unnecessary conversations. I concentrated on me and made some very positive moves. He had to realize for himself what he had. Even though we are back I am still following these guidelines to keep him on his toes. I am still making moves too! I'm unstoppable! Thank you!
Hello, I have been dating a guy for 1 year, we were even planning to get married. Without a notice, he asked for a break beore valentine without giving me any reason. I tried to bare it for 2 weeks before i decided to contact him for us to talk, which he didn't do. After 4 months of been on a break with , i told him i couldn't continue like this . He then asks us to break up. i wish to get back with him but it has been 10 months since that we have broken up. Can it be possible for us to get back given this long time frame and also during this 10 months , every 4 months i was tryong to text him to get back together
It sounds like he may have lost feelings for you and even possibly someone else, if he decided to break up so suddenly with no explanations and still refuses to entertain you even up till now. You could try contacting him again but if the outcome remains unchanged, perhaps you might want to considering walking away.
I'm 25 and she's 21, we have been together for about 1 and a half years. We broke up 3 months ago. During 2 of those months, I've done most of the things you're not supposed to do, such as beg, plead, sent roses, gifts and a hand written letter. She said she wanted to hang out but wasn't ready for a relationship, silly me said no I couldn't do that. So fast forward 1 month later with no contact, she has since then unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. Updated her profile picture, and rejected my offer to go hang out to go to one of her favourite places. Myself I have started to get fit and active again, posting food pictures and things. So after rejecting my offer, I said ok no worries, hope one day we can hang out as friends. She said "dont think so" and "take care".
Where do I go from here? I mean we were a good couple together, everyone said so and we both believed that too. At the start I had lied to her about my situation because I believed she wouldn't like me as I was then (I know I was wrong), but she confronted me 4 months into the relationship and I apologised and she said she would try to trust me again but it would be hard and slow.
Do I still have a shot of getting back with her? I think she has moved on...
There may be a chance that she's moved on, but also a slight chance that she still cares about you, but feels negative towards you over the actions you made after the breakup and hasn't fully gotten over it yet. If you're willing to wait, perhaps give her some more time before initiating contact again and for now just focus on your own life and try to be happy.
Hi Ryan, my simple question is....How should I handle my situation if i made every mistake in the book and now i pushed it so far that I am blocked. I do not get the choice to initiate "No Contact Rule" on my terms. Does it still work/apply? Is my situation even salvageable?
If it has come to that extent, then no contact becomes the next necessary action because of your lack of other available options. It may still work, but may take longer than the stated time frame and there's still no guarantee that you'll get your ex back. It would really depend on how ugly the situation turned out and how mad/angry your ex is towards you.
Me and my ex have been together for a solid 5 years but before this we were on and off for 5 years as we were teenagers, I am 25 and he is 26. First of all a month ago he asks for space/a break as he was unhappy and needed time to miss me. I said ok but I said I would wait on him because I love him! We stayed in his mum and dads house confined to one room so which obviously isn’t healthy for any relationship so I think we started taking each other for granted etc and he was desperate to move out but I had quit my job a few months before and started working part time which I think he kind of resents me for and I think that’s where the unhappiness comes from.
I gave him space for 2 weeks till I found out he had been messaging another girl. I went mad at him for this and he told me that nothing has happened he was only talking to her and he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with anyone else. He eventually said he thinks we should call it a day if I can’t give him the space that he needed. So we broke up. He said he couldn’t help how he felt and that the spark was gone. I gave him 2 weeks of no contact till he messaged me asking to meet up and talk about the break up for closure because he hated that it ended on bad terms, I said yes at first but then said I wasn’t ready.. I kind of let him know that I get why we broke up and I’m focusing on myself etc etc, so that I didn’t come across needy!
he said he wishes it could be the way it was in the beginning because he still loves me and it’s killing him everyday to know that I’m hurting and he knows how much of an amazing person I am, he wants me to be happy and he’s rooting for me in life! This was 2 days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since, he has sent the last message because I thought that would be best if I ignored a txt message to start no contact with.
I know we are meant to be together we are soulmates and he is a really great guy! We had a great relationship up until a few months ago. I’m just wondering if it’s salvageable and if I can make him change his mind about me because I know that I can do things differently next time around. Thank you!
There's still a chance that he has feelings for you and cares about you, but just needed breathing room and probably for some changes to be made in order to see the relationship and you in a different light. He says he lost the spark for you, so perhaps it might be a good idea to figure out how best to gain it back with him during this time.
Hi Kevin, me and my boyfriend were together for about 3 weeks and he told me he loved me, and that I was the first girl he ever properly loved, it made me feel really special, however we split last Thursday because of my jealousy towards his friend, they have no history of any kind but I felt insecure, to which point he said he needed time to which I gave him, however by Sunday he had already messaged me saying he missed me and he needs me in his life, so we started talking again but it was very awkward and Tuesday this week he got angry and said that there was no way back for us and that we were over for good, but I love him so much, so I'm going along with the no contact rule to give him space and time to calm down, do you have any other advice for me?
Keep in mind that your relationship with him was only for 3 weeks and there has not been enough time for a meaningful relationship to build up yet. I would suggest that instead of going with 30 days of no contact to give him a couple of days before trying to work out the issues between the two of you.
So how do you do no contact if you still need to communicate regarding the kids and business stuff that we have to communicate on?
Keep the conversation strictly on a 'need to' basis, and only about the kids. Avoid small talk and personal topics.
Hi , I met a guy three months ago at a bar and we immediately clicked . He came home with me that night and all we did was talk for hours and hours ... ever since that night we had been inseparable . My friend was with me and met his friend and now they are dating as well . Everything was perfect and I quickly began spending almost every night and weekend at his place ... we had so much fun together and both shared so many things about our lives with each other that we have not shared with anyone else in a long time . We both got out of horrible relationships and clearly have trust issues . Due to anxiety and trust issues I decided to end it but quickly tried to take it back and he called my bluff . I’ve definitley committed the deadly mistakes and I don’t know if there is coming back from my craziness . I just know that he truly was falling in love with me and I don’t want to lose him . P.s my best friend is still dating his best friend so I see him all the time .what should I do ?
Give him some space for now. IF you say that both of you have trust issues, he may be feeling upset or betrayed by your actions so you might have to give it some time before you try talking to him again.
My boyfriend ended it on Sunday, we have been together 9 months, he’s still married and living with his wife and kids but they are serparated. She doesn’t know about me, he wanted an amicable divorce with no names mentioned. We had a life planned together and were so very in love. He decides Sunday he can’t handle the double life anymore and ends it. Blocks me, I get angry and send the wife a message of our relationship. I immediately regret it as I know I have hurt other people now just becuase I’m hurting. I sent him a message after saying how sorry I was, all I got back was “never ever contact me again”
Is it even worth me trying to get him back? we were so in love and I know it was all getting to him. I’m completely devestated and sorry.
Given the context of this situation, it may be a long while before he forgives you if not at all, especially if your text to his wife causes his life to fall apart. It might honestly be better to focus on moving on instead.
Hey Ryan. I have dated my ex for two months and things we're great til he has to back to France. We had 3 months of long distance relationship and things became less good and we broke up ( we broke up few times in the middle but he always texts me and tell me he doesn't want to so we never really broke up). But this time we did broke up. He still texts me since Christmas or randomly snow pics. After I didn't reply him he asked " do you care about me?" Then I got mad because he was the one who got distance first. But then he still texts me each festival. It has been four months since we broke up and I did the 30 days no contact rule and improved myself. I started talk with him this week and he responds positively or neutrally. I wish he will like me again. What should I do ???
People have very different behaviors when in a close distance relationship and LDR because of the lack of physical contact, but it may not mean that he lost interest in you or stopped caring back then. Perhaps start by trying to build up a level of familiarity again in texting him, but just keep in mind that trying to get back together without actually meeting may be a little tough because of the lack of actual reconciliation.
Hi Kevin, I once posted here about my boyfriend and was advised to do NC which I did and when I later messaged him he was like "shey you've forgotten about me ". We spoke casually but not as normal.. And since then we haven't talked again... It seems he has deleted my contact. Just figured one way or the other. And it makes me feel like he wants to delete me totally from his life.. What do you advice I do.. Thanks
There would probably be bits of awkwardness again at the start of contact, but you should continue to try building a comfortable level of communication with him so that any hint of awkwardness or animosity goes away.
Hi, how do I do that because, I'm the one who has to do the contacting first.. So how do I get to build communication when it feels like I'm the only one interested... Thanks.
It certainly has to be a both ways thing in the long run, but perhaps for the start if the other party isn't as interested, build on mutual or familiar topics that can keep the conversation going.
Hi. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and we spoke last two weeks ago. But we live in the same building, so I bump into him quite a lot and I feel so bad after seeing him. And we have a lot of mutual friends. So this weekend, I have a party at a friend and I´ll know he is going to be there. Is it best to avoid it? I want him back so bad and I’m trying the no contact rule, so I don’t know what I should do in this situation.
You could go to the party if you feel confident enough, but avoid contact with your ex and hang out with other friends instead. However, if you think that the situation may get too awkward, it would be better to avoid such events until you're more okay seeing your ex but without the emotional downturns.
Hi Ryan just a up date ... she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?! Also Rryan please I need answer soon. Also please read my question from April 9th below Kris S.. you didn’t respond. We are together now but she feels distant or like I annoy her.
My BF and I broke up 3 days ago. We began dating about 5 months ago and became extremely serious very quickly. We lived 2 hours apart from each other, and only got to see each other a limited number of times each week. For the first few months of the relationship, we could not be broken apart by anything. We would constantly talk throughout the day and we always video chatted at night for hours. We had an occasional argument every now and then, but nothing that we did not work through. He always told me plans of his future and how amazing it would be, and I was always included in these plans. After approximately 4 months, things started to become different. When we would go out, things just did not seem as special, and we did not have that original "connection" that we once had. We would get along, but then one of us would say something that would trigger a negative response in the other, which would escalate into an argument. I began to feel as though he was putting other things in place of me and that I was moving down his priority list, day by day. Finally, one day after a pretty hefty argument that ended in making up, he told me that he had planned work events for the next several months during our regular times of meeting. I responded with fear and voiced my concerns to him; however, he found my response to be condescending and took it in a way that made it sound like I was being selfish for worrying about when I would get to see him and how the distance would affect us as a couple. After a few days of arguing and going back and forth, we decided to end things before they became any worse. He now claims to be happy and is moving forward with his life. We still talk on a daily basis just as "friends", but the occasional affectionate comment is made, which confuses me. I am very confused as to what to do at this point. I love him, and I can truly see us having an amazing life together in the long run, and I feel like this is a mutual feeling. I just feel as though he needs to get his priorities straight. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
This is common for most relationships. After the initial honeymoon stage, and the novelty of the relationship wears off, couples start to get more impatient with each other, less tolerant, and generally feel a loss of spark or passion. Talking with him on a daily basis may have helped him avoid dealing with the breakup thus far, and isn't going to help you win him back. The best advice I can give is to read our articles and follow the guidelines on winning him. This includes applying no contact to give him an opportunity to miss you and let the breakup sink in for him so that he may end up regretting his decision.
Hey there I had a question, how long or how many months before one should cut our losses and walk away? I’ve been rebuilding attraction for about 2-3 months and I’ve tried escalating and so far she has responded positively, i suppose. It seems she has gotten used to the idea of talking to me every day again and often times she’ll seem upset that i dont reply or if she calls and say im at the gym, she’ll say “call me when u leave” and sometimes i dont just to test the waters and she’ll tell me “why didnt you call” or “i didnt hear from you anymore”. From time to time she’ll bring up things from our relationship that she didnt like (things i wasnt even aware of) and then she’ll say lets drop it and she’ll seem upset. Kind of a mood killer. It wont be out of the blue though, for example this last time she brought it up because we brought up a particular event we went to and then she said something about that event that i did that she didn’t like (which she never told me at all).. She doesn’t respond negatively to physical touch either. I know this is all good news i guess but there are often times when it seems she doesn’t want to get back together or it seems she doesnt have feelings for me. It’s odd but sometimes it feels this way. So idk if i should bring something up or just keep it going???
It would seem that she isn't responding negatively to you which is a positive sign. However, it does feel that she has communication issues, and you would have to learn how to get around it and find an effective way to get her to tell you about what she feels. Her feelings towards you right now may not have increased from the last time perhaps because something is stopping her from doing so, and she isn't telling you about it. You could try to talk to her about it to understand how she feels towards you, and decide again from there.
My ex of 5 years and I broke up 6 months ago. We had just lost the spark in our relationship and felt more like best friends. I initiated the conversation more than him but it was a mutual decision. We shared a home and had to move out and it’s all been very painful. We continued to speak everyday up until recently when I noticed him become slightly more distant. I knew he had been speaking to another woman a couple of months ago but he kept promising me that this had stopped and that he was unsure of his feelings and whether there was a future for us. In the last couple of months I have started to regret the break up a lot. I wish we had put more time and effort into things instead of giving up. A couple of weeks ago after a conversation, it came to light that he had been on a couple of dates with someone else and told me he had slept with her and there was were the start of some feelings towards her. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he still loves me and cared about my feelings and hurting me. Luckily the girl has now moved to another country so it was a short lived thing but really hurtful as he was still speaking to me everyday. Although I am still worried they will keep up contact and maybe they may have a future! He has said now that he is sorry but he thinks there is no going back for me and him. To me it only feels like the break up has started now and not 6 months ago due to the fact we were still speaking all the time. I started no contact 3 days ago and today I had a message from him basically summarising our conversation from the other day saying how he feels and he still loves me and hopes I can be happy. I didn’t respond which has been really difficult as he sent another message asking if I had received the previous and that it had been hard for him to send and he hopes I’m ok. Do you think with continued no contact this could be salvageable?
Perhaps, down the road but you'll have to figure out what went wrong with the relationship exactly and if the spark can be re-created again with him. It works both ways, and if you think that by going through NC properly you'll be able to make clear positive changes in your life, the chances of you attracting him back would still exist. However, it might not be immediate and even then, there's no guarantee that he would become attracted to you again so you will have to mentally prepare for that as well.
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Apr 9th, 2018 at 04:20 am
To be frank, you're going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don't want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you're only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you're trying to win her back because you want her to stay.**************************************************To: -Ryan sorry dude I had to put you last message on here because it would not let me reply down below.. I’m not sure how often you get on here but I truly wish I had gotten this advance sooner be I already did this by begging her to stay and it pushed her away even more.. she s kept saying it’s a good move for her.. yesterday we went on a date to see if we can make it back to that point of relationship and I gave her a promise ring saying I wanted to marry her and I promise to do what it takes to makes things right between us.. she was so happy and said she would marry if I had proposed with a ring however she would still move to another city for her job.. I said that would put a strain on our relationship and wouldn’t work.. I said how cane we be engaged or married living in different cities? She said if we both make the necessary adjustements and work at it , it could work.. also she use to flirt and went on a date with a ex Co worker and is also moving to that same city.. she doesn’t have any family out there and doesn’t know anyone except the person who has been actively trying to her her attention and to have sex with her.. that pissed me off.. that’s one of the main reasons I didn’t want her to go.. I won be there and this other person will be around her 24/7.. the last night we had a argument because even though we are not together now she has been talking late night with her ex (child father) she spent the night at my house last night and he called after hours.. she admitted to talking with her and flirting and staying up in phone with him.. I got angry because I asked her how can we have a marriage if you’re still doing same things that broke with up so many times.. her excuse was we are just friends and I get from him what I don’t get from you.. however she doesn’t want me talking or being friends with any of my ex’s or even opposite sex. DOUBLE STANDARD! So since I just read your message now to supporting her she’s already mad at me and said she no longer attracted to me ..that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore... that we will never have same intense love relationship we once had.. keep in my just yesterday she was onboard with marriage before our argument to today I don’t like you at all and she wants me completely out her life and wants zero contact. Doesn’t make sense.. I sill love her and want her back and know we can work... her attitude changed when I brought up get communication with ex recently and me feeling she will cheat if she moves.. Help Ryan! Below is my last text to her .....Ok.. I still love you and will never fully understand you or the way you do things.. truth is I was real with you at the end of the day.. never wanted anything more than a healthy relationship from beginning.. I've given you a part of my heart no one has had in a long time.. always wanted better for you ..it's crazy we can't even maintain a friendship... I still care about you.. good luck with your new endeavors. ..Also one last thing.. I support you making a better move for yourself.. not saying so that would change anything at this point.. I'm honestly saying that.. put that on my nieces who I love to death.. I always wanted and like to see you doing better and making moves.. same reason why I supported you going back to school.. which I still support. I was being selfish yeah before because I wanted to marry you. So for that I apologize, however it still stands that I truly support growth. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. ... by the way she ignored all messages.
Hi Ryan just a up date ... she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!
Thank you so much for your quick response. So since then he has been replying, some positive messages but when I said - let me know if you want to meet for a coffee or something be replied saying he misses me and us but is worrying if it’s the right thing to do. I left it and then a few days later wished him a happy Easter.
He’s been replying but with mostly neutrally to my positive good memory texts and I just don’t know what to do now. Please advise how on how to get him to want to meet with me/ attract him back?? I read somewhere you are supposed to text for a week those kinds of messages to open the lines of communication up and build rapport but I just feel like he’s not interested.
It’s been 2months since the break up.
It would be best to simply build upon casual topics right now to to build a level of comfort and habit between the two of you talking again. Get him used to that idea, until his trust in you and familiarity comes back, and he may then respond more positively towards your sweet messages.
Thank you so much for your rapid response again. He’s been replying more positively. Your advice is working and he has now asked to meet with me this weekend. Very thankful. Will let you know how it goes!!! :)
Hi. My girlfriend and i were a good couple. At least i thought so. We would quarrel but usually quick to resolve the issue and make up. We were together for around 3 months. During the 3 months, she loved me crazily, and i did the same. 1 month ago, i had to move overseas to study. At the start she was okay with it, she still loved me the same. But the past 2-3 weeks, she started making excuses for being too tired to text, or other reasons for not being able to video call. I could sense that the emotional connection between us slowly becoming distant. Last week, we called for short break in the relationship, we reconciled 2 days after. She said she wants to continue being together. Yesterday, she said she still has feelings for me, but it is lesser now, and she felt like her feelings were forced, which i didn't quite agree with because i believe that there is more to a relationship that just feelings; such as communication, trust, faith, effort etc. Nevertheless, i reluctantly agreed to break up. According to her, her love language is Quality time and Physical touch. Do you think it may be the lack of quality time together and lack of physical touch that could have caused her feelings to fade?
Anything you can recommend to help? As of now i haven't had any communication with her except through following each other on instagram
Long distance is definitely not easy for any relationship. It brings up the aspects we otherwise take for granted, and one being physical contact and time in your ex's case. Those factors can definitely cause someone to feel more distant from their partners. Depending on how strongly your ex needs contact and time in order to maintain her feelings for you, it may not be possible to find a permanent solution because the situation will still remain present as long as you're overseas. If you're only going to be away for a short period, perhaps it might still be possible to convince her to pull through until you return.
My gf broke up with me about 7 months ago. The first 4 months were just trying to patch things up but it didn't work. So I started NC last 3 months I messed up the first NC so i decided to do the second one. Next week would be the end of the second one. However my gf had a convo with my mum and she agreed to give me a 2nd chance. She told my mum I should call her. But I'm kindna like a phone call would be too confrontational. I forgot to say the main reason why we broke up was she accused me of not calling or showing enough care she just hate me texting all the time. Since she requested a phone call from me, do u think it is a good idea to text her and if I have to text or call her what would I say?
Since she hates texting and has requested for you to call, texting her may end up getting her angry again and reminding her why things ended the first time. I would recommend that you follow her suggestion, and give her a call. You could apologize for not showing her enough care or calling enough, and if she really has given you a second chance, work to change those aspects if you haven't already done so.
I think I have messed up again. I did text her and I had no reply and it has been 2 days since I sent her the message.this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven't talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you're loving your new job. 😊😊
Now I dnt know what to do. I'm wondering she won't pick up my calls but why would she tell my mum she would give me a second chance, does she really mean it? I would call her and try to apologize that I should have call when my mum told me to call. What do you think. Thanks for your reply earlier on.
I think I messed up again. I messaged her instead of calling her this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven't talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you're loving your new job. 😊😊
I had no reply. I dnt know how to approach her now. It has been 2 days since I sent the letter. Should i tell my mum to call her or i should call and apologize, would that look like I am desperate? What should I do?? Cos i have a feeling she might not pick up my call.
Hi,
Me and my girlfriend have a 6 months relationship, our family are conservatives and due to that I ended the relationship last month.
But after 3 days we are back together.
But now today she decided to end it.
I said that you are on the same phase as I was last month, so I will wait for you for come back.
I don't know what to do next.
After my breakup last month I am more committed in the relationship than ever before.
So what do I do to get her back. She is my classmate and I have to see her after 2 days
You could refer to this article on tips to deal with your ex if you have to face her on a daily basis. I would suggest going into No Contact for now, and giving her some space to decide what she wants to do.
so after 2.5yrs together, my fiance of 6mnths has ended it. he was my 1st relationship in all sense of the phrase, i had only ever had 1st dates before him. although we are the same religion, our backgrounds were different, my family being far stricter, and this was always a problem in the relationship as we didn't have the freedom he felt we needed in order to confirm we belonged together. despite that, he did propose on what was the best day of my life, however 1 week later, a fight about the usual, freedom in our relationship, really burst the happiness bubble. we struggled through the next 4mnths, always about lack of freedom, how i needed to be honest to family about what i wanted etc. wedding planning was not good. i bought a dress on a weekend we fought, the venue deposit was paid through bad feelings, no dj/cake/decorator/honeymoon got confirmed. just always me researching and suggesting ideas and him telling me this isn't the engagement that he wanted. he did order save the dates off his own back, so there was something in him that showed he wanted to get married, but no best man was confirmed, no stag, no grooms outfit, nothing. all we had was me crying that married life would be better than dating/ engagement as we would have the freedom he craved so much. eventually i gave in and found ways to lie to family; id stay over but even those nights often got ruined as his whole attitude was harsh and sad. he was never abusive physically or verbally. but he was unkind for sure. its confusing for me now as i want to live happily ever after with him and get the wedding back on a track. but even typing this i realise how awful a relationship it was, because of him. if he really loved me, freedom would not have been the end of the world, but it was. so he just didn't love me enough. i hate to admit it. i think i coerced him to propose and stay together as long as we did. i hate that i played myself for so long. worse, i hate that the limits to a full relationship in his eyes made a really fun exciting man into a sad and hurtful one. he was a great guy, i was so excited to be the woman in his life as he always wanted to do fun things and he was clever and smart. i just wish it had worked out. i'm not angry that he was so unkind to me, i wish he just had more patience and understanding of the limits i had. id love a happy ending to this but my hope is finally starting to fade
Hang in there Pam. These things happen, and we do hope that you'll have a happily ever after, but it was clear that he didn't seem ready to get married because of whatever reservations he had. The relationship had also probably tired him out and caused him to change over time, which in turn made you very unhappy. Give it some time and space, and see how things go again, but if it was genuinely not a healthy relationship, you are better off considering the alternative of walking away to find happiness elsewhere.
Hi there, My ex is dating with someone. though we still talk because were classmates. we still do the things we do. but im having a hard time with the new guy. and i cant make the no contact because we meet everyday
You could follow this article on tips of how to handle no contact in such a situation.
Hi,
So my ex broke up with me less than a week ago and I have tried to initiate NC, however he has text me and we are seeing each other to sort through out stuff. I have told him I need space to process this however, he still checks up on me to check if im okay even though he doesnt say much back to me. I am thinking of giving him about four weeks to have space as I know I need that too. What would you recommend the best way to contact my ex? He knows I like to write letters but has never written one to me and I don't want to scare him off and would like to get a response from him. This may sound weird but planning out my next moves for myself and even contacting him is helping me accept the break up. Thanks!
You could follow the guidelines found in our article on what you should do. Alternatively, this article might help specifically for your game plan after no contact ends.
I reconnected with my ex after 3 weeks no contact. Went good she suggested meeting for dinner, she bought I Did all the right things night went great.
After she said she didn't want to jump back into relationship. Knowing her I took this as her stringing me along. I panicked and wanted to rush the makeup talk, because she ending things really badly with me, she faked cheating to push me away. For sure she didn't after having a honest talk.
Anyways after I asked her to come to a club after a week. She comes we have a great dinner and night. She did say she felt she needed to date others to know if I'm the one casually during dinner.
We had great time she got too drunk. I took care of her brought her home after vomiting everywhere, cleaned her etc.
In the morning she's all over me affectionate and we were kissing etc. I haven't experienced this in months
We were going to meet up for dinner at my place and she was going to take me out to dinner It was going great.
Anyways few days later I get paranoid that she's maybe seeing that guy because I don't fully trust her after the breakup and still have doubts to whether she was cheating for real or not from before the relationship ended. Anyways I Caught her in a lie about where she was one night because I didn't want to continue if she was lying to me.
Anyways she pulled away said we weren't right for one another said she remembers why she broke up when I annoyed her trying to explain my rational for confronting her lie. And I pleaded to try and keep her dating me.
I said fine I'm cutting you out for good. Dot want you as a friend or a crutch while you date others. Or I'm a plan b. Your being mean etc. I said I'll. Give you a week to change your mind, she liked that idea and said she might contact me. I said I won't initiate ever again.
Should I go nc again? 30 days? Let her cool off for a few or give up?
She did says she was about to start seeing a guy off Tinder.
She seems to have feelings but knows we aren't right for one another.
Thanks.
Let her cool off for now, and perhaps go about NC anywhere between 2-4 weeks depending on the severity of the incident. Keep in mind that you should learn to control your emotions better and not jump to irrational thoughts or get overly possessive because you are not yet officially back together with her. I think that if you want a chance at winning her back, you would have to make some changes to your mindset and emotions, as the possessiveness and insecurities were probably what pushed her away this time.
Hi Ryan I need you help again. I got my girl back in January after completely the 30 day no contact.. it absolutely worked! Here’s the problem now. She recently broke up with me again a few days ago and this is the 3 rd time we have broken up. First time I broke up with her and last two times she broke up with me. After the 30 day no contact I was able to improve myself and heal somewhat. We got back together even tho she was hesitant at first. She broke up with me recently because she said I kept bringing up the past situations we fought about (she hooked up with her ex more than I once). We would argue about how she hooked up with him multiple times when we broke up and I said it was shady because if she loved me she would not have done that. Also same day we broke up , she hooked up with her ex , which is why I said shady.. didn’t make sense to just happen out of nowhere.. also she said I don’t care about her anymore or the relationship because of my nonchalant attitude.. this is not the case I care and love her but she sometimes takes me for granted so I purposely would be act nonchalant.. of course this just made things worse. She said we don’t work and never will because of this also she was upset we don’t have sex a lot.. she wants more sex but I was somewhat turned off by her hooking up with other people in the past.. I want her back and for us to work properly. Yesterday I asked her out to dinner and she made arrangements to meet me however we ended up arguing.. she says she feels she can never open herself back up to me again. She has a history of saying she wants me to chase after her then turn around and tell me not to chase her heart. What should I do to get her back and keep her? We don’t want to be stagnant relationship. I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to stop chasing her and she said yes , but then when I asked if she would allow me to show her I care and we can work with my actions, would she allow me to show her exp take her out or hang out.. she said yes she was willing to allow that.. I’m so confused dude about what this girl really wants . If she’s really done with me or if she just want me to try harder. Please please help Ryan
It's not only about what she wants at this point, but also the communication breakdown that you both seem to have. You'll have to learn to let go of the negative past events if you ever want anything to work out. You'll also both have to communicate your needs, and try to reach a compromise, and to avoid bringing up the past whenever you get into an argument. For the time being, going back into NC again might be the best solution as you give her some time to cool off before trying to reach out once again.
Thanks Ryan.. I have another dilemma now. She just told me today she has a job interview Monday for a position in another city. I love her and don’t want her to go. She says it’sore money and she would have stayed if we were together or engaged.. I asked her to be my gf again and she said no it’s too soon and I’m just saying that to get her back or to stay.. this isn’t true.. I was trying to do the N.C. rule again and give her space otherwise I would have asked her son time ago.. what do I do dude?! I can’t loose my girl.
To be frank, you're going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don't want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you're only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you're trying to win her back because you want her to stay.
My ex and I were together for almost 4 years, had a dog, lived together for the last one. It was a bad idea to move in together, we were at 2 completely different places in our lives. We started fighting more often than not in our last year, intense, hurtful fights. He broke up with me a month before Christmas when we were going away with his family- I was devastated. Although we didn't bombard each other with texts or calls we still didn't do NC and continuing arguing about everything in our usual fashion for about 3 months. We then did NC for a month, he reached out to me after we matched on a dating app asking to see me and the dog. We got together, it went ok, we didn't fight but we still had a bit of a heated discussion (on his end, I was calm in explaining how I understood we needed time to heal and get over our negative feelings). His issue is that he doesn't want to talk about things anymore, understandably so, because it's exhausting however we haven't actually resolved any issues.
We didn't speak for a week- he called me at 4am which I didn't answer. He then started texting me quite frequently, said he thought about me and our relationship a lot and although he wasn't completely fine he recognized some issues and was open for a discussion. We hung out, it was great, ended up sleeping together, but knowing he is on a dating app obviously I felt vulnerable and wanted to talk to him about it. Bad idea, for 3 days we had yet another one of our blow out fights with him yelling and swearing at me, calling me names, being downright disrespectful, because my bringing up my feelings were a reminder of why we broke up in the first place, it took him right back to square 1 because he remembered all the bad things he was feeling from before, saw that nothing had changed and needed to take a step back again (and the guy has a temper so this was not said in a nice way whatsoever).
So we are now back to NC which I intend not to break, it's been a little over 4 months since we broke up and I guess I'm wondering if we think he is going to reach out again, and if he does if it's simply because he misses me or because he's hoping to reconcile? Or if you even think we have a chance at reconciling at this point? His birthday is coming up and I'm wondering if I should text him (because he texted me on mine)- it will be in the 3rd week of no contact?
I guess I'm just struggling with the whole idea of other girls in the picture because despite being a confident person, I think someone should be committed to working things out with you, not keeping other options open...
It seems to me that unless you ex decides to change his way of dealing with conflict and negative emotions, even if you do reconcile with him, the same issues would occur as communication constantly becomes a major issue for both parties. His activities on the dating app may be a result of breaking up, in which you shouldn't overthink since everyone has their ways of coping which could stop once things settle down with him. You could drop him a text on his birthday but if NC has not ended yet, perhaps try to limit the amount of small talk for awhile longer, but use the birthday text to get a sense of how he responds towards you.
So my boyfriend broke up with me today. We broke up once before over a silly little thing which he admitted was a stupid reason. But this time I messed up. I lied about something pretty big and lied about it for a while. He found out from a friend that it wasn’t true. He asked me about it and I admitted to it. I lost his trust and he broke up with me. Idk if there’s still a chance or not.
You'll probably have to give him some space for now to cool off, and apply no contact first before attempting to re-gain his trust again and getting him to open up to you once more. It definitely depends on how badly he took it and whether he's a person who can forgive easily or not.
Hello.
My gf broke up with me with a message WhatsApp, she texted that she was not comfortable with me anymore. that really hurt me a lot, i never expected that, yeah, we had some troubles before, she was so irritated all the time that i was with her. Everytime i tried to be nice and calm down the situation, but she always found a reason to be upset with me. We have been together for almost 4 years. I give her space, and then 2 weeks without see each other she texted me that she was done, and i asked her if at least can the break up could be face to face, i want to see her a last time to say goodbye and thank her for everything, and she agreed. that happened sunday, im gonna see her this saturday, but we dont set up it "formal" i only asked if saturday can we see us to talk ,but we didnt set time, and no place where can we meet up.. what can i do? i havent texted since that day, should i text her that day? Please help. i want her back
Yes you could, or the night before to schedule a timing to meet. You might have to understand in greater detail why she could so easily lose feelings for you from 2 weeks of not contacting her, and if it's genuinely on her part that she requires patience and lots of physical contact in order to sustain an emotional connection, you might have a tough time following our guidelines on no contact.
Hi ,i were in a long distance mix culture relationship with my british ex bf.we have been together for one and half year,we visited each other or went to another country together. one month ago he broke up.with me.then he flew to Portugal to try to sleep with another chinese girl.and he made it.after that i started no contact.3 days ago i contacted him .he gave quite positive response .today he wanted to call me. i agreed.then he told me he was in the airport .going to fly to china to meet her new chinese gf which he slept with in Portugal.we talked only 8mins,then i hang up,he wanted to talk longer because he is bored waiting in the airport.now i am so frustrated,dont know what i should do during his visit this time.please help me.thank you.
If he is already dating someone new, perhaps it might a better idea to walk away from him and move on. It seems like because of his new partner, that he no longer displays romantic affection towards you and trying to re-ignite it while he is dating someone else is inadvisable.
Hello!
I did all the necessary steps and it was working for a bit. After NC I rebuilt communication with her through texting. We went out on 2 "friendly dates" and we both had the time of our lives. She was giving me some vague signs that things were going well but that could be because we had a great 2-year relationship and things never got ugly during our breakup. However, when I asked her for another meeting she said "we can't keep going out like friends". I finally convinced her to meet once more so I explained that I don't see her as a friend, that I learnt from my mistakes, our past relationship ended for a reason and I wanted to start something new with her. She got a bit emotional and did some blaming on both of us. She told me she doesn't want to try again because she wants to move forward and put herself first. We then spent the rest of the night hugging and laughing to our stupid inside jokes before saying goodbye, seemingly forever.
I now fully know the reasons to our breakup and it's definitely not something irreconcilable, more like bad timing and everyday life that led to losing the flame. We both know we can have a good time together, she still loves me and doesn't want anybody else at this time. She's affected by this but tries not to give me anything to hope for and wants to stay true to her decision because "not looking back" and "the best is yet to come". Seems like all hope for getting back together is lost. Is there anything I can still do?
Thanks!
The best thing left to do at this point is to give some time between the both of you. She feels this way now because ultimately, she may not have let go of all the negative emotions she felt back then. If you feel that bad timing and loss of spark was the key issues, if you really do want her back, perhaps address those issues by giving enough time to pass and both of you start to align more again in frequency. However, this time frame is not definite and it would probably require a lot of patience from you as you continue being her friend for now. If you think that you're unable to do so, moving on might be the easier thing to do instead.
Thank you for your response! It makes sense to think she hasn't let go of all the negativity. I'm all for being her friend for now but she isn't gonna let me be around because like I said it still affects her and makes her feel conflicted. So yeah, I'm not sure what to do next.
Continue giving her space for now since it's clear that she hasn't reached a stage where she's okay talking to you normally again. Continue with no contact and let more time pass before attempting again.
Hi Ryan, my 8months boyfriend broke up one month ago now. He confess me afterwards that he was going through a depression since 2 months (as he might loose his business) and that our relationship was stressing him out as I was often complaining. That he still loved me but he wanted to be single and focus on himself to sort out his life. I should have respect his wishes but instead I did everything I should not have done. Asking him to reconsider his decision many times, hookup maybe 3 times since then to keep contact, and sending him a lot of messages asking insecurity questions. I came at his without no warning to talk face to face 2 days ago around 11PM and he literally lost his temper saying I was weird, I was sending too many massages which distracted him, that I had too many red flags to be together again.. He asking me to leave and that he didn’t want to hear about me again. The next day I deleted everything phone number, messages, and unfollowed him to start to move on as I didn’t think I would hear from him again. But he eventually send me a text to apologize and explained me that he had a stressful day and was literally fed up with everything. So I am wondering do you think I have a chance to get him back with the NC period ? What shall I do ? Thanks a lot
Since he is feeling stressed out and is facing many issues, perhaps NC might do both of you some good since it gives him space to deal with his issues and let go of the pent up frustrations he might be feeling towards you. At the same time, it would be good for you to take some time to change any negative aspects of yourself so that when you initiate contact again, he would see you in a different light.
Hello,
My boyfriend (33) and I (29), a same-sex couple, were together for one year and four months. We would see each other every weekend and we would stay at either of our places since we live about 1.5 hours away from each other. During our relationship we texted daily, we travelled, I met and became friends with his friends, I would cook for us, everything was going great. About 6 months into the relationship there was a decrease in sex/fooling around, but I attributed it to him taking Adderall after we became a couple. I calmly brought it up twice throughout the relationship. We talked about it and he said he thought it was the medicine. We never really argued or fought at all. I felt that we communicated fairly well.
About a month ago, we met up in the city for dinner with a friend and we had a great time. The next evening, he drove up to my apartment and was shaking when he walked in. He said, "Babe, I think we need to break up." I felt shocked and said, "Ok, but can you tell me why?" he gave me answers that he wants to move to a new city and start a new life. That he wouldn't feel right asking me to move and what if he failed or decided to move back. He did say I could text him if I had any questions and he said he would answer them. I texted him a few times and he later said, he wasn't sure there was anything to bring the spark back. About a week post break up, he defriended me from Facebook, where I had only posted twice, but would "like" comments and other posts. I will admit that I went to his Facebook page and saw that some guy tagged him on a post. I had never heard of this guy before, and now I'm coming up with all sorts of thoughts and scenarios in my head. I'm trying my best to believe they're just friends.
I did no contact and finally sent him an email a couple days ago. It was formatted like Kevin suggests and puts no pressure on him to reply, and I'm not expecting a response. I know him well enough to know that he's a determined guy and will want to stick to his decision. I was blindsided by the breakup, but now that I've had the chance to look back on our relationship, I can see where we each could have done better. I wish I could have realized this earlier. I'll be waiting a week or two to send him a text message. My question is, would it be wrong to send a photo too? He always had the perfect meme or image for any situation and I'm wondering if sending one might help lighten the mood.
If it's a picture relating to the relationship that might lighten the mood as you say or bring back familiar memories, by all means include it within the next message you send him.
Hey,
My ex gf broke up with me on 4th of Feb 2018, we were together for 8 months things were going so good we loved each so much other until our last month, things changed and she got busy and we stopped communicating like we used to but i used to ask her whats going on and why she changed, she kept saying that shes busy moving to her new house but suddenly one day she told me that she cant continue this relationship because she got tired and shes afraid that nothing will happen between us in the future i tried to ask why whats wrong then she told me about this guy she met on the last month of our relationship and that she wants to be with him, at first i was shocked and really upset and i stopped communicating (NC) for 17 days then i initiated contact with her on day 18 but never showed a sign of weakness and i kept the conversation brief i made her laugh and everything was good but at the end of that week i couldn't hold myself about her and the new guy and i told her how i missed her and that we can sort things out and i tried to meet her but she refused and said she cant and refused to get back, she said its hard for her to be back together with me i felt so bad and That's when i stopped contacting her and used NC again but this time I'm doing it the right way and its my 27th day on NC but she didn't contact me and she didn't show any signs of missing me but 2 days ago she started posting pic of her new bf on Whats-app (we are friends on Whats app) and saying how much she loves him and she's happy with him she kept that post for about half a day then she changed it, I started to panic and I don't want to lose her,I love her so much and I'm sure that we can sort things out, so should i initiate contact with her? so that she doesn't move on with her new bf and forget about me or should i stay in NC ??
PS: she started to show her new relationship on snap chat and Instagram with this guy, she didn't use to do this stuff with me but i unfollowed her on snap chat and Instagram since the day we got broke...... so Why showing!!!!! ( we are apart for more than 1 month)
There might be a possibility that she may have moved on since the break up, but there's also a chance that he is simply a rebound, since people who get into rebound relationships tend to amplify their feelings of affection towards their new partner in order to escape the negative emotions of the breakup with you. Unfortunately, while she is still together with the new guy, there isn't much you can do (or should) because your actions would be met with hostility or negativity, and things may only end up getting worse. Right now, you can either decide to continue with NC further and observe what happens down the road, or consider moving on from her if you're unable to wait it out.
So I was only able to stop texting my ex fiancé for 2 weeks. When i messaged him he was being really cool. I asked him if he wanted to work things out and he said he didn’t know that we had to talk in person first. Well he was taking hours to reply to me but I saw on the app he was texting and talking to someone on the phone constantly. I called private and it was a girl. Well long story short I made a huge deal I texted her and told her whatever she could keep him. He wasn’t mad that I went through his privacy. I ended up apologizing to both because I obviously did wrong but things in a way for better for my ex and I. He said he still loves me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He told me to do myself and go out on dates. I’m really confused because he said he’s not going to be dating or sleeping with other girls but he is going to go out and socialize. He said we can be friends with benefits if there isn’t any strings attached. But we both love eachother so this is so confusing
Not to be negative, but it honestly sounds as if he has emotionally given up on the relationship with you for whatever reasons. The fact that he was nonchalant to your actions, wanting to continue going out to socialize and even suggesting to become friends with benefits does make it seem like he doesn't care. However, I may not know the full situation, and if you feel otherwise and want to win him back, perhaps give both parties some space and apply no contact. Definitely do not agree to becoming friends with benefits in the meantime.
Please help me...I was with my boyfriend for 6months, he is 45 and I’m 31...it was a very good relationship but last month was bad due to arguments because his ex gf harassing him all the time causing insecurities. We broke up 6weeks ago now -he said he needed space. I did 1week no contact then messaged to see how he is and then we communicated briefly and then he ignored me.
I sent him a hand written letter agreeing with his decision to split even though that’s not how I felt. I heard from him next day but then replied and he ignored me. I finished 2weeks of no contact a few days ago and initiated a good memory text and he replied with a polite formal message. I asked if he wants to meet for a coffee but he hasn’t responded. What do I do? I really need to see him and desperately want a chance to rebuild our relationship.
If he still continues to ignore you, it would best to properly finish No contact and give him more space since he has expressed it. You should be spending time within this period to make positive changes to yourself as well, so that when you do make contact after NC, he would see you in new light as a changed person.
My boyfriend broke up with me very suddenly about 4 days ago. He said he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and wanted to explore more things. We are supposed to talk again in several weeks. I am trying to go through the no contact period, however I go to school with my ex and I am unable to avoid him. I recently texted him that I wanted him to keep his distance so I could have time to think and heal from the breakup. He agreed to this, but hasn’t really been sticking to those conditions. How do I get him to miss me if I have to see him everyday? I am trying to act nonchalant around him but I’d rather us not have any contact at all. He is also not acting like himself around others and is trying to get attention and be outspoken as if to look like he is fine without me. He’s never acted like this before, what does it mean? I’d love to get back together in the future but I don’t know how to go about the no contact period if I have to see him every day.
You could refer to this article on ways to deal with an ex that you have to meet frequently. Additionally, his outspoken and unusual behavior may be the result of him still having feelings for you but unsure of how to process them, therefore actively trying to convince himself that he's fine.
Hey,
my long-distance ex broke up with me very recently, just a week ago. It was pretty weird because the first evening she didn't even say "It's over" or anything along those lines, and also she gave me a variety of reasons, a lot of which did not make sense. E.g. saying that we wouldn't fit together, although we have mutual hobbies and the same sense of humor and more (which is also why I think the relationship is worth fighting for).
She also said she just didn't love me anymore, but if so she was hiding it pretty well for the last few weeks and also made some odd decisions, like booking holidays with me not even a week before breaking up, or having me buy her a birthday present not even 2 days before the breakup (I know she doesn't give too much damns about birthdays so she could have easily said she didn't want anything).
In the last few weeks we did have some arguments, but I could not have imagined her breaking up just because of that, at least not before trying to talk calmly about it first.
So right now I am confused as to why exactly she broke up, and if she actually just does not love me anymore (since she really was not acting accordingly, and also because she broke up after an argument). And if she still has romantic feelings towards me, is going no contact still the right choice?
First figure out the reason why she broke up with you. She may have been confusing during the breakup and giving her reasons because she may not be good with confrontation. If the genuine reason was because she lost feelings and was continuing with her actions out of habit, it would be better to give NC a go first. If there is something that can be resolved, try to convince her to give you another shot to work things out.
Hey, thanks for the quick response.
How should you go about finding out those reasons? After reading and watching a lot about NC and that you shouldn't break it, and that you should not be talking to your ex about the break up anymore. So I don't know if asking her outright might annoy her, and if she can even give me genuine answers herself yet. Of course I have already thought about it myself, the problem is that there is just not one explanation that makes full sense.
On the one hand she did start "distancing" herself from me, but her actions always had other reasonable explanations, and as far as I know up until then everything was fine (as I said she didn't really behave differently towards me and we did plan and even booked holidays together), we had seen each other over New Year and she seemed very much in love with me then, and in the meantime I didn't start doing anything differently that would explain her losing attraction.
On the other hand, recently, we did have arguments which could have gotten too much for her to handle, and in my opinion that could be resolved (for once I could work on myself and the problems just occurred because it was long-distance but that would have changed pretty soon), but I am out of ideas how to convince her of that as well, all I could think of was to tell her I understand why she felt the way she did and sincerely apologize for my behavior. Then she might realize herself that the relationship can work and she can be happy in it.
Sorry for the long texts, it's just a really dire and confusing situation right now.
I understand how you might be feeling right now. Most often times, we end up losing ourselves in an attempt to get closure over the breakup, but in reality, not everyone gets that chance. If you have somewhat figured out the reason why things ended, it may be best to accept it at that, and focus on making those changes you've mentioned earlier. You don't have to convince her just yet since you're about to go into NC, nor should you be obsessing right now on how to win her back. Spend this time focusing on making positive improvements, so that when the opportunity presents itself down the road, your ex would see you in a different light.
So my ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago. I only begged for about 24 hours then I went into complete NC. She messaged me after a week, asking me a few questions (as we had recently moved out of our home). Then she was sad I wasn’t responding, asking to help her because she was feeling lonely and didn’t know what to do. I responded with short but kind message and she responded with a very long message about how she has to let go of us and that she missed, I responded again (she begged me for a response) very kindly to that message and said I respected her decision to break up and I wish her well. I have worked on myself, I’ve lost 5kgs, I joined a running club, being on dates, rediscovered my confidence, got a new job, posting happy positive stuff on social media. So after 32 days of me not initiating contact, I sent an elephant in the room text (we had a rough few months with me losing my job and having to leave our house) because we had a big fight that lead to the break up, I got no response. So I left a week and sent a emotional text about an inside joke we had going and it’s being two days and no response, I did not say anything about the relationship or missing her or anything . Should I just leave it? Go no contact again? Try an advice text in a couple of weeks?
Go no contact again and wait a week or two before trying again. It could be that she's avoiding you for the time being, or trying to deal with her own issues right now.
Thanks Ryan, she pop up on my tinder too.
Hello,
I've sent some messages here a while back and it sort of helped me and thaks for that :). I was patiently waiting to contact my ex and after I finally did we started talking. Sometime we would talk for a few days then stop then talk again etc. I finally asked her for a coffee so that she could help me with some things for work. I kept it casual but we ended up talking for a lot of other things and it felt great we both had a great time. Now I am not sure that I should say how happy I was that we saw each other or not and I am not sure what to do next. I usually want to have a plan before doing something but more often than not that's too late.
Thanks, Phillip
Keep things casual, perhaps let her know it was nice meeting her and she looked really great. Continue with the casual conversations and work your way from there.
Hey Ryan, I think I destroyed everything, I had to take your suggestion of talking things over with my ex after a week or some time and I being needy and hurt beyond limits, called him and it started with just asking him the reasons and went on to be the worst phone call of my life because I begged, I cried, I blamed him, Then I blamed myself.
He said this is why I need this breakup, you could not be on your own for five days! Had you given me at least ten days time, I would have thought about starting it again but this call is making me feel I was right about the breakup. He said that I didn't mean I cannot take care of you financially, I meant I cannot take care of your emotional needs. I cannot deal with your complaints of not talking to you well, not giving you time when I don't get enough time for myself. Someone in his friend circle was talking about girls, objectifying them as baggage and he said he felt he could relate and this is when he realized he cannot do this anymore.
I broke every rule, begged him to meet me once, Begged him to take me back and felt ashamed later to have stooped that low. In my opinion, I never felt I was doing anything wrong because I have never ended his call even when I have been busy and this opinion destroyed everything because I felt I was entitled to get his time back because he made a commitment to me to be there for me. Now I realize how caged he must have felt. I am shattered right now. I feel a void inside but I still want his happiness and I want him to realize at some point that there were more happy times than sad and frustrating times in our relationship. I am sure of this that it was happy four years since he was still discussing taking a flat together soon until around March 15th...but he gave up on me when I said that I cannot make it until April when I had promised him that I will take care of all health issues by 20th February.
I feel like I have driven him away forever, a guy who when was breaking up said it will always be you and only you and if I ever get into a serious committed relationship like marriage it will only be with you. How could I be so foolish to do this to the guy I love so much.
I even said this to him that I ruined it all by today's call and closed all doors? please don't hate me for that and he said I cannot ever hate you, no matter what you do.
this is the note on which all his conversational abilities ended from his side and he said I cannot take more of this, it makes me feel like a monster, it's no better for me than it's for you but I need it now.
I want to be better Ryan, I want to be happy on my own. Just the way I was when he met me, a strong woman who fought back with him when he said something hurtful instead of pleading for an apology. I haven't changed, I just was reacting to my surroundings and my insecurities and it is ultimately that which drove him away.
I really want to know how to make myself better after this. I had attached everything I own with him and everything reminds me of him and I don't want to live a teary-eyed life all the time.
I really really want him back for the simple reason that we were both happy with each other until I went back home due to medical issues, stopped working altogether, started complaining a lot, blaming him and others around too, I had become a whiny little kid. This was the best part of the relationship that we felt happy like kids when we were with each other but due to my insecurities i became the girl they warn men about before getting into a relationship.
I want him back, not now, I want to take time, give both time to grow but I don't want to lose him, I know for sure he is the one for me and I know I have been the one for him till now. I don't want to lose him forever.
Please guide me, I need it desperately...
Since the damage has already been done at this point, the best thing you can do is to mend at least a part of the situation, by first picking yourself up. Understand that you don't need a person in your life to become a strong and determined woman (although having a person helps on occasion). Right now, you know the issues that went wrong and hopefully you are beginning to understand the aspects that he could not take in the relationship that led to the breakup. Insecurities and emotional instability are issues that often break a relationship, but they aren't issues that can be worked on while you're together with someone.
I suggest actually taking the opportunity now, to give him some space from the recent events and to spend the time working on these issues and learning to love yourself. If you aren't able to do so, it doesn't matter which relationship you get into, because the same issues would arise eventually. Understand what causes these insecurities (lack of self-confidence, trust, etc) and figure out how to go about in increasing these areas. Focus on positive changes in your life, and then when the time comes you could consider initiating contact with your ex once again if you still have feelings for him.
Thank you for showing some confidence in me. I just want to be a better person for now and want a relationship only when i am sure that i will never love my partner more than how much i love myself. That is what leads to insecurities and although our partners often try to change us but we shouldn't change who we are because they like it for a time being but ultimately they feel they have lost the person they fell in love with. This forum, this team and Ryan you, Thank you. I want to focus on myself not because i want him back, I want to focus on myself now to be happy, with or without him or anybody.
Thank You
All the best Daliah.
So me and my ex broke up like a week and a half ago after being together for roughly one year and 4 months. 2 days after I started no contact. But she kept messaging me and telling me she misses me and wants to meet me. But today I fucked up (4th no contact day) and told her my feelings after I replied to her msg. Is my chance to get her back over? What should I do?
It depends on how she responded to your feelings. If she genuinely misses you and wants to meet you, I don't think you would have ruined your chances of getting her back.
Hi. So...my ex broke up with me after I texted him a million times. Short version of story - he cheated for some time, got caught. Then he wanted to work on us and save us. My emotions were everywhere. I love him and i believed him when he said he wanted to make it work. I thought that we were headed in the right direction. However, a family member got ill and I didn't listen when he said he needed to focus on family right now. I bombarded him with texts and calls because I was scared he was pulling away and didn't want me anymore. I don't know - maybe I'm still being naive. But I believe what we had was true love and we are still meant to be together. I begged and pleaded for him not to leave me and then he broke up with me and said he isn't coming back to me. Is this beyond repair, or can NC help in this case? I don't know if he did it because he is really done, or because it was an emotional decision and it was the only way to get me to stop texting, etc. Nothing feels right.
NC might help to pick yourself up, and to give him some space for the time being since he needs to focus on his family. It's not wrong of you to feel insecure especially since he cheated before, but you have to ask yourself if you really want him back if you're willing to set that aside and trust him again.
Hey Kevin, My boyfriend broke up with me four days ago after a happy relationship of four years, He said he doesn't want to do this but there is no other way since he is not sure about his future and his job growth and that he wouldn't be able to provide for me even when i argued that He need not provide for me, I can do it very well on my own, he said he has decided and there is no way we can get back together. Saying that he said, I love you very much but this is for you, You deserve better.
When i had met him, I felt i have found love at last. It was all good till we were in college, as soon as he started working. He became angry and irritated all the time, went on days without sending a text till i texted him or called him. we used to fight but we started talking within the hour. I had to move back home due to illness and within that time of around eight months he asked me to come back, but i stated my reasons. It was as if he understood it all but then didn't want to understand.
But things were never so bad that he would break up, He had brought up the issue of me coming back in the afternoon saying that i didn't need to. At night he called and said that he wants to end it for good stating an entirely different reason.
Now i want him back but i feel so betrayed because he brought it on me out of blue, stating my happiness as the reason but didn't even ask me whether i was happy or not. I am angry but it has always so been that no matter how angry i am, i look at him, talk to him or hug him, I have a huge smile on my face. So, I want to know how to fix this... since he broke up saying that he loves me a lot but it is impossible for him to keep living on with the commitment of a future when he is not earning so well.
I am so confused.
I suggest giving yourself some time to process everything and consider what actually happened, and what caused him to suddenly end things. You could try talking to him about it to get an honest answer, but perhaps wait a couple of days to even a week first. If he does not respond positively or you feel that he is dishonest, perhaps go into NC for awhile to let things cool off before attempting to talk to him once again down the road if you still want to be with him.
I should have listened to you, I messed it all up. Please read the entire comment I wrote today
Hello, my boyfriend of 3.5 years has just broken up with me. It came literally out of nowhere as we were very much in love, and had the most amazing, healthy, loving and fun relationship. We had the friendship, we had the companionship, lots of the same hobbies. We’ve created our own language for christ sake! We’ve lived together for almost 2 years, well still live together but he is currently in his country visiting his family. I am 42 and he is 35. When we first met he had some doubts because of the age difference but then he just forgot about them and just enjoyed our relationship. Recently his younger brother’s gf got pregnant. Another friend of his is trying for a baby, his best friend just got a serious girlfriend so everybody around him is settling down. That made him finally think about his life as he’s been a happy go lucky person without thinking about his future. He finally did and the doubts about me related to my age returned. He thinks is better to break up now because he is confident that we would break up sooner or later anyway. Because i am not necessarily the person he thought he would end up with. Neither does he want to waste my time as he is not ready to have kids now and when he might finally be ready, i may be too old. So basically, he loves me very much and cannot imagine his life without me but chooses to leave me because it’s for the better for both of us. He has a lot of preconceptions about his life that he hasn’t revisited for a long time. 2 weeks ago he asked for some time in order to think things through and revaluate his life but then he decided it’s better to break up. I dont understand how he can just give up on us like this. Surely if he really loved me we could work something out in order to postpone having kids, we live in the 21 century! There are options!
Do you think there is a chance he comes to his senses and realises that he’s made a mistake by giving up on something so special? How to make him do that? Am I wasting my time on this guy? We’ve just said goodbye to each other at the airport and he cried like a baby. I know he loves me and I am not in a denial.
He may be feeling the reality hit him as you've mentioned and decided to pull away as a result. I would recommend you trying to talk some sense into him, but perhaps give him a couple of days to deal with his own emotions first and calm down before telling him how you feel. If he still does not want to listen, then it might be wiser to consider walking away unless you're also not in a rush to settle down and wouldn't mind waiting for him to see if he ends up eventually coming to his senses or not.
Hello Ryan, thank you for your advice. I started the no contact period and had the most difficult 3 days in my life. Today he got in touch and got my hopes up. I thought that maybe he missed me so much that he changed his mind. He didnt. He just wanted some news from me. And then he quickly retreated when I got angry. We only had a brief exchange but my peace is ruined, I am in pain again plus i am angry at myself for talking to him. Right now, it doesnt feel like is ever going to change his mind...by the way, we were discussing the whole situation for the last 2 weeks, since he told me he wanted to break up for the first time, so he knows exactly what i think, but he still chose to break up after 2 weeks of honest discussions and considering various options. Therefore, i dont see much chance that he will change his mind eventually.
It's still worth a shot if you really want him back. However, NC isn't just meant to make him miss you. Ultimately, what NC advocates and attempts to do is to give you some space to distance yourself from all the emotional negativity you feel as well, while encouraging you to make positive changes in your life so that when recontact happens, your ex begins to see you in new light as a changed person. If there is no change to the situation or yourself, then there wouldn't be any motivation for him to change his mind either.
My ex and I broke up in December after 4 years dating and living together. Last March he had to move about 40 mins north of where we lived for a promotion at work. My career was 40 mins south so we agreed we would have 2 roofs for just one year. We started bickering because entertaining was now a part of his position. I felt he started using the excuse of work entertaining to go out every night he was up there. Up until that point I loved everything about our relationship.
In November we put in an offer on a condo up there (terms couldn't be agreed to so it fell through) we were talking about having a baby in the next year and then in December we argued over something minor and his reaction (or what I felt was an overreaction) was we needed to take a break to reset. I felt he made all new friends in the new city, all in his industry and they went out all the time so I asked a lot of questions. He didn't like being questioned. After a week I went up to see him and found out he'd been texting a female co-worker and deleting it. He swore they were just friends, no attraction (she was not attractive) but he knew I wouldn't like it so he lied. We cried, we said how much we loved one another, he said it hurt his stomach to think of us apart but our relationship would never be the same - I'd never trust him again. We kissed, we cried and held each other as he walked me to my car. I asked why wasn't I worth fighting for - he said I was but it was "too soon," we said I love you again, he yelled it again one last time as I got into my car and that was The last time I saw him.
The 1st week his texts were I love you, I'm so sorry I hurt you, the 2nd week was we probably shouldn't talk for a little, the 3rd week was an email letting me know he started to date - his tone is now cold and harsh.
I started no contact, he had a 4-week rebound relationship in that time (a former high school classmate of his - they reconnected on fb "shortly after we broke up", not the text buddy. The rebound has already ended - I found out through mutual friends) More no contact and then I emailed the letter. I said how special i thought our love was, I was sorry for things in the last few months and ended it saying I knew we would always love one another, I understood how difficult the decision to end us was but I agreed it was for the best. He responded with just "I love you too and agree with everything you said."
After 2 weeks, I emailed again. We started emailing on a fairly regular basis, every couple of days over 100 in about 2 weeks. He said to tell our dog he "loved and missed him so much," I invited him to join us at a dog park for an hour, he said it makes him cry to think of "our dog" and it would be to tough to see his face and leave him again. Another week goes by, more emails, more playful always initiated by me but he keeps them going. He sends our dog a new bed without telling me, I just came home to the box on the porch. I email to say thank you and I ask again if he'd like to see us and again he says its "too soon."
We have been apart for 3-1/2 months. What do I do now? Do I continue to email every couple of days? Do I wait for him to initiate now? I feel we've made so much progress but I'm not sure if this is a case of grass is greener syndrome and he's not done figuring that out yet? Any advice on how to get him to see me? I feel like once he sees my face there'd be little to no resolve left.
Perhaps it really is too soon on his part to see you again, in which case continue to build the relationship up without too much pressure from you to meet up. You could always just put it out there for the time being as an open invitation whenever he's ready and see how he responds to that.
Too soon for what though...because it hurts? Because he's afraid seeing me will make him want to get back together? Or because he's waiting until he no longer feels that way in which case should I just move on? I don't want to hurt him further, nor do I want to continue to hurt without him. I don't know what would be the right thing to do.
There could be various reasons, but until you know for certain it's all just speculation. It seems that there is still a level of connection between the two of you, and he may have feelings for you but isn't ready to deal with them by meeting up with you.
5 months post break up. First month and a half I did all the wrong things begging crying pleading logical reasoning. I got her to see me before I go over seas she came. The convo went okay. She called that night in didn't answer. Called me again after a week we talked but I messed it up asking her out again then being mad I told her not to speak to me again. No contact from me for 2 and half months. I sent a upbeat fb message she responded soon and called me. I didn't respond. Also in the message she apologised for the way we broke up. She was being cold. I didn't pick up. Then she tried a week later i didn't pick up. I called her a few days later. Chatted for about 10 mins then she said she had to go. Then calls back a hour later. I told her I didn't have much time but we ended up talking for 30 minutes. I told her I'd call her back. She asked when I said when I get time and then went on to say you don't have to call me. I call her back 10 days later. She gets cold and ask me why I called. I said to finish the convo. She said she didn't have anything to say but if I did she call me back in a few and we'd talk. Calls back we talked for the first 10 mins serioiusly and last 15 minutes just joking around. Ended on a good note. How should I move forward? Been a week haven't spoke.
I suggest doing less push and pull at this point and working on building up the connection once more, perhaps by speaking more frequently.
So I ended up calling. She always ask why I call first. She won't call me first. I apologized for my behaviour after break up. Then asked if we could be friends. She said in a year lol. She enjoys the convo. I get her to laugh a lot. Don't know what to do from this point forward. She answers everytime. I asked her for favor to help in person she declined. I insisted and told her to think about it she said she'll see. I know what that means. Any help?
If you've completed NC already, perhaps continue with the conversations on a casual basis and try working on rebuilding a friendship with her before anything more can be considered.
Hi. Me and my girlfriend broke up 3 days ago. She ended it because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and focus on herself for a while but wants to see in 5 months if she wants to start dating again or stay broken up. We’ve been doing long distance for almost 3 years now and have never went more than 3 weeks without seeing each other in that time. Do I stay with the no contact and let her have her space that she asked for for the whole 5 months? I really do love her and It physically hurts me to be apart from her. Do I have a chance at being with her again?
You don't have to go NC for 5 months, but rather complete NC and initiate contact with her again to slowly build up your connection and bond with her once again leading up the end of 5 months. Perhaps she might end up reconsidering sooner if things go well.
Hello, my ex broke up with me yesterday but told me he still loves me. He’s a war veteran and suffers from undiagnosed PTSD. We lived together. He told me he wanted to marry me, have my child someday, and that I was his soulmate. The hardest part is he still tells me those things. But he also says he has to go get help for himself because something is wrong and he needs to get healthy for himself and his son (previois relationship). I want to be there for him so desperately, that’s the commitment I made to him, myself, and our relationship but he says he doesn’t want to drag me down with him. I love this man with all my heart and every fiber of my being. I truly believe he is my soulmate. He also told me I could stay at his house until I found someplace new however I could not do that. I packed up what I could and left I am getting the rest tomorrow. He’s deleted our photos off social media as well as blocked me and blocked my number. I am just so confused. Are all these contradictory actions his way of handling this? Or should I believe that he does love me and he does need to get help?
It could be his way of coping as it would be easier to focus on his personal recovery without the emotional influence of a relationship. It's like the saying goes, 'if you can't even take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of others'. He might be feeling this way at the moment, hence his sudden decision to end things. I suggest giving him some space for now since you're already moving out, and contact him again perhaps in a week or 2 just to check in. Or you could apply the full NC period of 30 days and let him work on himself for the time being before you attempt to contact him again.
I got the rest of my things. And we had a long talk. He again says he still loves me but that he’s going through a lot more than I even know and that he knows I would just go through all of it with him over and over. He doesn’t want to drag me down through that. He said he still wants me in his life? I’m confused as to wether or not I should do the NC? I truly love this man and this entire ordeal does not sit well in my heart.
Applying NC is entirely up to you under these circumstances, and there's a chance that by showing him that you're not going to be 'dragged down' just by sticking with him, he would be calm enough to get back together. However, there's also a slight chance that he may feel even more stress from you being around because he's constantly worried about how you feel or think.
My ex boyfriend and I dated, long distance, for 2 years while I was in college. We then spent another 2 year together in the same city. I broke it off and moved to another city. For the next 2 years we spent time on and off together but I could never completely commit and was always looking for something better. I dated someone new for a year, but as soon as he broke up, my first ex was right back in the picture. Still, after his huge efforts and persistent plea to get back together, I was wanting something more. Months went by and we didn't speak, my mother passed away, and I found myself yearning for him. I would drunk dial him and confess my love for him, but deny the feelings to him the next morning, telling him I didn't and that I was just going through something. I did some soul searching and found myself thinking I might actually love him and wanted to reconnect, but found out he had been dating someone. Regardless, he pursued the opportunity to together and we spent an evening talking about our future and getting back together. Fast forward a week later, he called with news she was pregnant and he was going to stay with her. My heart shattered. Fast forward 2 years, I am still madly in love with him, haven't been able to move on even though I have dated a few different men, and he is with his on/off again girlfriend and 1 year old. What do I do.....
As long as he's still thinking of working things out with his girlfriend, it isn't a relationship you should get involved in as you would only come across as the bad person. I would honestly suggest for you to try and move on from him, since things are always going to be complicated as long as there is no clean break between him and his girlfriend.
good morning, I cheated on my boyfriend with someone I didn't know was his relation and now he wouldn't talk to be ave done a lot of begging n so on but he say he doesn't want me again, the other day he asked me to call him in a video I did n he was with a lady I was so heart broken I really love my boyfriend n don't think I could stay 30day without talking to him even tho he doesn't seem to be responding my calls, and messages please what do I do?
He is definitely still angry at you, and has not forgiven you, which explains his expression of spite by the call. I suggest at this point you give both parties some space by applying no contact, before initiating anything further down the road when he has perhaps cooled off.
Hi Kevin
I would like to ask that,my ex was so rude with me we work together in a same place we meet everyday.im not calling him or texting him. I gave back recently all the things he gave to me.he had blocked me from all social media contacts.w at I should do to follow no contact period even v have face each other everyday.im not doing any eye contact nor speaking to him.if he talks to me on d matters f work also I'm.not answering him.suggest me some thing please
You could read this article regarding what to do when facing your ex at a workplace setting.
Hey,
Hope your feedback on my situation help me to get my ex back.
I am 23 and she is 21.
We both are different nationalities.I asked her to be with me or leave me after spending 3 weeks.Then she cried for one hour when we reach campus and I asked her to just give me 10 minutes every day from her schedule and if she can't do that she can delete me from everywhere because I just don't want to befriend and I gave her a daytime to think about us.Next night we met and she said "I need to focus on my career for next 2 years, so would you please wait for me.I can't be in a relationship now".She deleted my Wechat id and I deleted her as well.After few minutes, She sent me the request to be friends and I accepted it.Then I did all the mistakes that you mentioned in your article.I asked her for a meeting and she ignored me every time.She told me that she is in a relationship and I should not trouble her anymore and I wish her good future and then she deleted me.I didn't contact her since that time.Is there any way your team can help me to get her back.I am ready to follow each and every step your team is going to recommend me.I had 2 relationships, after her in order to forget her but I can't forget her.I don't even know why she left me.So please help me.I do go out with my friends and enjoy but still I have a wish to get that girl back into my life.
Apply the steps found in the article. Start off with no contact to give her the space she needs to erase any negative memories she may harbor towards you.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me in about 6 months ago I haven’t heard from him yet. He block me and changed his cell number :( how long is no contact rule :(
It's typically 30 days, if not more depending on how bad the breakup was. If he has yet to unblock you and you have no means of contacting him, it might be better to consider letting go of him and moving on.
Hi,
This was such a great read. You have such great advice and I can't wait to actually start using it at some point. Okay, so here's a bit of background about me and my ex:
I was in a same sex relationship with a girl for more than 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. She was my first girlfriend and I was hers. A lot has happened in the 4 years that we were together. Stuff happened and I kept getting angrier and angrier. I couldn't control my anger. She broke it off a couple of weeks ago and at the moment everything is still fresh. She asked me to move out of our apartment, quit my job (because we were working together) and leave the country (because my visa was actually dependent on our relationship). She wanted a clean break from me. She did agree to throw away the no contact rule in a year. She said that if I contact her, she will respond. I've known people that have gotten back with their exes. One relationship actually took 3 years to mend. I believe that my ex is the one. I'm an idiot for letting her get away. I will respect her wishes and won't contact her for a year. Be honest, is there still a chance for me to get her back? I'm willing to follow all of your steps. I love her and I know that she's worth it. Unfortunately, it's a lot harder for me, since I live in a whole different country. Any advice from you would be greatly appreciated.
As you've mentioned, it's going to a be a lot tougher in your case (not impossible), especially since you basically have to leave the country and start life over before even considering taking another shot down the road. I believe at this point, it's more essential that you manage to pick yourself back up in your home country first, then start to work on your issues you had during the relationship. Only after everything has settled down should you try to initiate contact with her again. However, as all these would take time and effort, you should not get your hopes up as many things can change during the time you're apart.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for getting back to me. I know that a lot can change in a year and to be honest, I’m gonna try to use the year as an opportunity to improve myself. Is a year of no contact too long? Am I gonna lose her because too much time has passed? When we both started dating, we used to spend months away from each other. We’d talk everyday of course, but because of the long distance, we spent loads of time apart. She’s my first girlfriend ever and I was hers. I don’t think I can move on and I don’t see myself dating other women. We were also engaged. She asked me to marry her. I still think she’s the one. How do I get her back in 11 months?
As I mentioned, time can play a part in causing many things to change both for you and her. The immediate focus is still going to be on yourself and making positive changes, or there won't be motivation for her to return into your life if she sees you unchanged. The chance is definitely there, but you can't obsess over it and instead move forward with the one goal of changing yourself for the better.
my ex broke up with me because i was flirting with a girl, we have a trip in a week I really don't know what to do since i know i should follow the steps. FYI i really want to go to the trip since we both invested money.
Perhaps apologize for flirting and try to make it up to her, if she's the sort that can be appeased. You might have to consider letting go of your trip though since 1 week isn't much time to appease her with regards to the reason she broke up with you.
Hi! My gf and meet on work. We work together even now. She decidet to leave me a month ago, the relationship lastet almost 2 years. We had a lots of fights for every small detail. When she leave me she said to me that she cares about me and wants to be friend. After a week i found out she had another guy. She even post photos with him on instagram. I ask her and she said nothing serious. I was afraid she cheated me before with him. She said didnt have sex or even kiss him. I was so mad. I even create an instagram account to spy on him. I pretend to be a female and ask him about her. She find out what i did. I am really sad now. Dont know what to do. I feel like i still love her but dont know if i really have any chance to get her back to me.
I suggest to start no contact and follow the guidelines from this article to help you.
Hello,
I'm 28, my ex is 26. We were in a relationship for 3½ years and she broke up with me six days ago. Before that we were effectively on a break for a week or so, because she needed some time to think about our relationship. She says she still loves me, but feels we lost the spark (our sex life was almost nonexistent for some time) and lack intimacy. I agree with the points she made, the only difference is I wanted to start from the beginning and re-ignite the elusive "spark" while she felt this is an impossible task. Our breakup was civilized (or boring as she put it) because that's the kind of people we are, and we agreed we will continue to be friends after things settle down a bit. The thing is I want her to be my girlfriend, not just a friend: we have so much in common and never really had big fights. At one point she even said there are more reasons for us to be together than not, but she perceived the problems we had as unsolvable.
Some background: she studied hard this year, and just before our breakup passed her last exam. She said she feels a bit lost in this transition phase between university and looking for a job. Also, she always feels more depressed during the winter months which may have contributed to her state of mind.
Some of the things that were a turn off for her: I was often indecisive, not dominant enough, inexperienced (this was a first relationship for both of us and I could not guide her with my experience, which would make it easier for her), it exhausted her to point out some obvious things I should do and it made her feel like she was my mother sometimes (like cleaning my apartment or buying new shoes because my old shoes were full of holes, etc). It's not that I don't know what I want in life, but I am a laid back and mild mannered guy, dominant behaviour doesn't come naturally to me and I don't care much for fashion. I do think I can change and be more assertive.
Anyway, I started with NC five days ago and yesterday she contacted me to ask if I was ok (when I logged to Facebook for literally three minutes). I briefly answered that I am and that I decided to take some time for myself. Today she contacted me again, via text message (I didn't log in to Facebook at all) with the same question. I repeated I need some time for myself and that I hope she understands. I plan to continue with the NC but I have two questions:
1.) Does her behaviour indicate she is regretting her decision to break up with me on some level, or is she just concerned as a friend (we did agree to remain on speaking terms)
2.) Am I going to push her away by continuing with NC? We did agree we'll keep in touch. I don't want her to think I'm not active on Fb because I'm in despair or behaving childishly.
Thanks and best regards,
John
To answer your questions, firstly her behavior is too vague in nature to be determined as regret, but it does show her level of concern towards you, which means not all hope in winning her back is lost. Secondly, if she claims the relationship was a 'boring' one in nature, pushing her away might actually add to the mystery or interest she finds in you since this behavior becomes non-predictable. It's not being childish since you've mentioned to her that you needed some time to yourself already.
Hi,
Well she said the breakup was boring i.e. peaceful, not the whole relationship. But I agree, NC may be beneficial. I'm going to try following this guide and see where it gets me.
Thanks,
John
Hello,
I told my ex after the break-up (when I was drunk..) that I wont have contact with him for a month. Is it ruined now? I also told him that I wanted that because I needed time and want to give him space to miss me.
Not necessarily, but it really depends on his characteristic (if he's stubborn about things), as that might lead him to actively deny his feelings of missing you (if he does) because of what you said.
I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 years, we had been engaged for 6 months. I know he did really love me but I had a problem I’ll admit. I was really mean, I told him I hated his proposal and the ring when I was mad. I would break up with him daily because I wanted more attention. We only saw each other once a week and the way I got him to text me more was if we were arguing. I broke up with him on Valentine’s Day (not really meaning it, just like I always did, thinking we’d be back together later that day) and then he said no that he really didn’t want to be with me anymore. I know I hurt him cause he really genuinely loved me. I kept calling, texting him for 3 weeks. But like a 1.5 weeks ago I stopped messaging him. I haven’t talked to him since and I started going to the gym and I’ve been hanging out with my friends. But this isn’t getting any easier. Every night I cry because he told me he’s not in love with me anymore. I feel a big empty hole in my chest. What we had was great. I haven’t seen him in over a month. I really am sorry for everything I caused. I know if he gave me one last chance I would never do any of that again because I know that I never would want to loose him again. He deleted all of our pictures from social media and off his phone. I don’t know what to do, it’s driving me insane. I don’t know if I can go another 20 days without messaging him.
Right now, as his feelings of negativity may be overwhelming since he has distanced himself from the relationship, it might be best to give him some space to allow him to deal with it. Seeing or hearing from you might cause him to feel more negativity which is not what you want. Continue working on change and your method of communication for the time being and remember that you don't necessarily have to argue in order to receive attention from your partner.
Hi Kevin, I'm Turkish and my English is bad for that I'm sorry.We've been talking to my ex for six months and we're dating.Our relationship lasted 3 months and left me.after I left, I stopped communication and I didn't text for 30 days.We talked at the end of 30 days, but he said he didn't want to talk the other day.My ex-boyfriend is far away, and we're gonna meet him in the same city in three months.Would it be better if I completely cut off contact with him in three months?
As the time frame for the relationship was 3 months, it might not be a good idea to completely cut contact since he might actually move on. Since it has been 30 days of no contact, perhaps you could initiate conversation with him once again to see how he's doing and start to slowly build a bond back up so that it's easier to initiate something when you visit his city in 3 months time.
thanks for the reply,but our departure has been bad and I'm not ready to communicate.What am i supposed to do when we meet him in the same city?
In that case, give it more time and continue with NC for now. It's best to build up some form of friendship first prior to your trip regardless, as it makes things easier if you want to meet him for coffee or lunch to catch up.
Is it possible to get an ex back even when she sent her brother to beat me up
Perhaps you might want to give her more space to let go of her anger, or simply choose to walk away since it has come to that extent.
Hi Kevin,
[The reason why we broke up is "I cheated", and she got the news from one of the ladies]
Me and my ex girlfriend have been in a relationship for 5 years and a month. For the first 3 years, we lived in together. For the next 2 years and a half, we had a long distance relationship (I went back to my home country for good. And then, she decided to study in Australia a year after because Australia is a very nice country in terms of economy and tourist and also to have better future for our family someday. She's currently there on a student visa, and just have one year left to finish her degree)
My ex girlfriend and I broke up last February 17, 2018. Our last conversation was on February 25, 2018. It's been almost 3 weeks since we last exchange messages because she blocked me on all of her social media accounts (FB, IG, etc.)
I really admit that it's my mistake why we broke up. Lust is the main reason why. She got the news from one of the ladies, someone made an anonymous account and sent proofs to her hat I am cheating on her. I did those things because got tempted and did a huge mistake in my life. And now I am facing the consequences because of my foolishness.
she's so angry at me, since she knew about me cheating on her. Up to now, we are not talking to each other. With that, I came up to the ideas of talking to her parents and apologized to what happened between us and to what I did. And also I sent a delivery package containing an apology letter with a simple gift to Australia, I used her workplace as delivery address because I don't know the exact address to where she lives there exactly.
I already stopped my foolishness after what happened between us. My first objective is for me to have a chance to speak to her, and to slowly show to her my sincerity in saying sorry for everything that I have done wrong.
Because I really love her. And I already promised to myself to not to do the same mistake ever again. And I will make sure to make up to her to what happened between us. And to slowly get back her trust on me.
By the way, she will be on her vacation leave
in our home country this coming May 2018. Would I wait until she comes back home to talk to her in person or just let her have space and wait for her to contact me?
I would suggest you give her space for now, and when she arrives back in your home country you could try initiating contact to see if she responds negatively or not. If she still appears angry or does not respond, you would have to give her even more time to let go of the negative emotions she feels towards you before trying to talk to her again.
Hi,
I have a not too long, just a 3 months old relationship. I didn't realize something was going wrong. I was happy, but... At a random moment, at night when I was in her house and we wanted to sleep together because we had an anniversary, she asked me with a crying face "Do you love me?". I was very surprised. I said: "Yes, of course, I truly love you". Then she told me "I don't love you as much as you love me". I didn't understand that because I thought everything is fine. Maybe I was not so attractive as she knows me, and she wanted to be still so attractive after a couple months. I really don't know, she doesn't told me the reason. She said I have 0 unbearable habit, but she doesn't feel as she wants to feel. My heart is totally broken now. I want to take a no contact period, but I think I need to know the reason. I think the 30 days is too much in this case. What do think about it?
Thanks for your advice
You could reduce the 30 days to around 2 weeks since the duration of your relationship wasn't that long. It's common for couples to lose physical attraction for one another after being together for awhile, it's similar to when someone raises the issue of their partner not doing the thoughtful things they once did while chasing/dating them.
Hello , I really need some advice. My bf broke up with me yesterday and it was totally unexpected. I mean we were great or at least that’s what I thought . I’ve been here before and it took me almost 3 years to get better . When I meet him I was already ok and we’ve been in a relation for one year . He called me today just to check on me. The problem is that I don’t know if I should answer to he’s call or just tell him that I need some time by myself ( I did that already and I still got a call from him ). He is important , he truly is but I’m not even sure what went wrong . I didn’t begged him to stay as I’ve been here before and I know is not working . Should I try or just respect he’s decision ? I find it very strange than in the morning you tell me I love you and by night you want to break up. There is only one thing that I used to joke about and sometimes get a little jealous, the kissing part in he’s plays. And acting is really important to him. He told me that he was thinking about this for 2 weeks already . He didn’t cheated I never did it too , Even when we were upset with each other we will still call to say good night and I love you . He always respected me. I don’t want to let him go but I don’t want to see him unhappy .
You might want to have a chat with him to find out the reason he decided to end things and if there were underlying factors affecting the relationship you were unaware of. If there are aspects you can change for the better, you could try to do so since it would benefit both of your happiness in the long run. I would recommend that if the reason isn't something that can be resolved overnight, to spend some time working on those issues, and initiate no contact to give him (and yourself) the space to work on those aspects.
I am Josh I have a serious problem with my relationship. my girl left me after six yrs of dating, due to my financial problem I really don't know what to do is really affecting me badly, I really don't know how it's so easy for her to 4get about six yrs just like that. for the past 2months I still can't get over it.
If she only sees you and values you based on your financial worth, and you aren't able to meet those expectations, it might be better to consider letting her go since it's not a solution that could be resolved easily. However, if there are more complicated circumstances regarding your situation, perhaps it might be possible to win her back, but you would probably require improving your situation at least by a little bit before trying something again.
Hi, please help me, I need advice from an expert,
My boyfriend and I broke up recently, it was a mutual agreement but I feel like he thinks that he was the one broke things off. We actually were on a break for a month prior to that, because he needed space. I did not respect that space and I am guessing that's why things ended. I was desperate during the break but started getting better with myself, maybe even moving on, I'm not sure. I was actually expecting the break-up since I have screwed no contact during the break up and as the one month-long break proceeded, I started feeling better as I said, but he didn't, he was angry with me, quite abusive actually but we ended things in a nice way, stating that we just couldn't work as a couple and both of us were very relieved. He did say that he thinks our romantic relationship has no future.
Today I started thinking about him and I decided to give him a second chance, though I don't think he wants me anymore. Keeping no contact will be hard, especially since we are in the same group of friends, we will be attending a same party this weekend and in a little more than two weeks, we are going to travel abroad with this same group of friends. How can I get him back if no contact is not an option? I am also afraid that with us being around the same social group he will start to see me as a friend, thus pushing away from the idea of a relationship.
What can I do?
Thanks in advance!
Since you feel that you have changed and picked yourself up since the break, no contact may not be as necessary for your case. In your following interactions with him in the group gatherings, perhaps try and make those changes visible and show him how well/happy you're doing, since that may spark a level of interest from him. Try to limit the amount of one-to-one interaction with him too, for this may make you easier to read since you want to keep your level of mystery there.
I was in a relationship for 5 yrs. We love each other very much, she was my best friend and vice versa. At first when i met her she has low self esteem but i managed to boost her confidence. She is one hell of a happy lady i ever met. Just last year i got a job and i had to relocate eventho she was hurting she supported me through it and she was so happy for me that i got a job of my dream. At the early stage of my relocation things were going on well. Until last August we had our very first argument and i literally texted her let quit. And for the very first time in our 5 yrs we didnt call or text each other and that lasted for 6 days. When i finally did all she said was why did i take so long to call. I realised that i didnt treat her well so i quickly got a transfer back to her. But things werent the same since that day. She completely shut down, she isolated her self, tge sight of me irritates her, she doesnt eat but gained weight. She told me she lost feelings for me. Nothing excited her any more. She said she is unhappy and something inside her is broken. We do text everyday but she refuse to hang with me or see me. I asked her if she wanted to see a counsellor, she refused think about it and let me knoe if she is ready. I dnt want to loose her. The only person she hangs out with now is my sister.i started a NC rule for a month and I had a mini holiday she is not a social media freak but all of a sudden she starts to post photos and videos continously of herself and with friends at the pub. Last 2 days I messaged her that I wanted to talk to her and her mum and she replied me as saying there is no point I know me and her is not going to work. But I took things personally that I was like we had the best relationship ever why would she just throw it out of the window just because she lost feelings for me. I know through all this hurt n pains I would thrive and be a winner. Apparently she didn't take the word winner likely and she was complaining about it to my sister.but all this whilst she kept on saying we haven't spoken in ages why are all these coming from. And she also told me she got a job and she is feeling good without me asking. Currently I have pulled back a bit. I wanted to start the no NC rule again and perform the reconnection very well
You should probably restart NC as you've mentioned and try to give her more space to let go of the negative emotions she feels. Perhaps ask your sister to find out why your ex is so against talking to you or meeting you, and what you did wrong specifically. At least that might give you a better idea on how to handle the situation.
This was the last message she sent me b4 the first NC Bongo please I'm fine. You can't be doing things like that for me when I don't have feelings for you. Just give it a rest. I appreciate the thought but just relax. You're my friend... allow me to come to you when I'm ready. Do you think I have chance??
I think the NC has make things worst. My gf has complained bitterly to my sister about my lack of contact. But she told me it's not gonna work out. I'm confused cos she says different things to my friends and do the opposite when I try. I dnt really know what she wants.
If she has complained about your lack of contact, it means that no contact is actually working since it has gotten to her. She is used to you pestering her, but at the same time also used to reacting negatively and angrily towards you whenever you try to talk to her. Give it some more time with no contact and observe how she behaves during this period. If it really is getting to her based on what your sister says, then you might want to consider asking your sister to ask her why she feels bitter about it.
I have used 30 days no contact once with my ex. Is 30 days no contact a one time use only or will it work the second and third times as well?
The NC is not a ticket to get back together with your ex, but rather a rule of thumb to adopt whenever a breakup happens, to give both parties enough breathing room to let go of negative emotions and to pick themselves up. Even if you've done NC once, you can always use it again if need be as long as the mindset is correct.
Hi, my story is for all the hopeless cases out there. My ex of a couple years broke up with me, then moved to the other side of the country about a month and a half later. I did NC for about three months and followed every rule of the full-length guide and work sheets down to certain exact quotations. Today, we’re together again and our connection is so much stronger even though we’re on different coasts. I think this guide is the best kept secret in love and relationships and I thank everyone involved in its creation. Even if your ex splits for the coast, stay positive (=
Thanks for the positive sharing J! We hope that others would be reminded of the positivity they stand to gain at the end of things by being strong, staying positive, and persevering in the guided steps.
Hey! I typed a comment before but I'm not sure if it submitted or not, but I really need advice.
My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after dating for over 4 years. We started having problems last year with our sex life. We weren't having sex as much as he liked, it was partly due to a medication I was on that lowered my libido and made me very dry. Anyways, that was our biggest problem. We tried to fix it by just agreeing to do it more but it was easier said than done since we still each live at home and its hard to find somewhere private.
Back in January, we were still having sex issues and I was so confused and started to wonder whether or not I was still attracted to him. I started to also wonder what it would be like to be single and do things with other people, and i think thats normal to wonder for some people who have been dating for so long. Anyways in January i suggested a break as we had been having other issues like finding fun things to do and places to go out to. When I suggested a break on the phone I think it came as a total surprise to him and he was really confused and probably angry/upset. After a week I missed him and I didn't want to lose him, we met back up and he said I had to do the talking. I didn't have much time to come up with solutions since I had been so busy with school but basically I said that I'm still attracted to him, and that I will find more places for us to go to instead of putting all the pressure on him. He said this was my last chance, and we got on with it. Things were going really well and we were making progress in our sex life and communication and everything. We decided to go out one night to a bar which we never do but it was something new and fun. I had been up since 5am that day and was really moody and stubborn so we got into an argument. I guess that topped it off for him, and I apologized when we got home and told him I have fun with him when we go out, and it was okay, but he needed a day to cool off. He came over the next day and was all nice saying I looked pretty and everything. We went downstairs to talk and he kept saying how he thinks I don't have fun with him when we go out, etc, and we both started crying. He said he wasn't sure what else there is to do and that maybe its just not our time. He broke up with me but it didn't feel like he was 100% sure.
The next day I went to his house and dropped of pictures of us, a 3 pages letter and a bear telling him how much I love him. About a week later her changed his relationship status on Facebook to single, and I felt to broken I drove to his house and had to talk to him. I told him my feelings and that I am sure we can fix this with more effort on my part. I made a huge list of activities we could do at home and going out both sexual and non sexual. I said I'm still attracted to him and still love sex we just don't take up the opportunities we have to do it enough. I said everything I needed to and he said he needs to focus on himself now and we aren't getting back together. :( a few days later his friend called me on the phone and said something that hurt my feelings so I texted him kinda angry saying I felt like he didn't communicate to me well enough, etc. He got angry and told me not to talk to him and i didn't. Its been about a week and a half now since that argument and he sent me a text saying that if I want I can meet up with him this week and he can explain why he did what he did and answer any questions I have.
I'm not sure what to do cause it doesn't seem like a good thing to meet up but I really honestly think that I can fix this with more effort on my part. I just wasn't on the same page he was at the time. I love him so much and its not that I feel like I can't do anything by myself because I can but I miss him terribly, and talking to him, and seeing him everyday, and being in his company. Please help me :( I love him so so much. I don't want to lose him.
Since you're trying once more to work things out, I suggest giving it your best effort to make things work this time around but remember that it's a relationship ultimately and there needs to be reciprocity or compromise when it comes to efforts in maintaining the relationship and working on issues. If it doesn't work out again, there's a likelihood that something is wrong with both your frequencies or communication methods, and it might be better to give both parties some space to work on those issues separately before trying anything out again in the future.
So My ex and I met up at the park on Thursday night. And I got out the car and came across all like good and happy like “heyyy! How are you?” And you could tell he was down and was like “good 😞” and so we went in my car and talked. I basically started out asking “how did u get over a 4 year relationship so quick?” And he said like “ i think Ur thinking I’m over it because I have thick skin and I bottle up my emotions, but I’m not, I’m still upset and I still love u and care for u and think about u everyday and like right now it hurts me to see you” and stuff like that, and I asked like why he blocked me on stuff and he said that it’s hard to see me on social media. And I asked him like if he ever thinks about me and misses our constant texting and calling, and he said that he thinks about me everyday and it’s hard he tries to stay busy so he doesn’t and he misses me a lot cause I’m his best friend and he misses me driving in his car and being with me and everything so it’s like we r still so in love, and he got really emotional again and like started crying and I was holding myself together but seeing him cry and asking some questions made me cry. And he would hold me and cuddle me and he kept holding my hand, and it’s hard because I want to be with him still and seeing him made all my feelings come back. But idk how he’s feelings but he said he still loves me but I think he needs this time to focus on himself still. I told him I’m working on my insecurities and stuff and he’s happy about that. I told him that like I miss hanging with him and I am still attracted to him and I’m sorry about like not expressing that enough. I also asked how is it so easy for him to talk about me dating other guys in the future and he said it would kill him to see me and another guy but he would rather me be happy with someone than sleeping around because I deserve the best. But idk, I miss him so much. And like I felt he does too. It’s still hard for him to be around me with all his feelings so I said I hope one day we can be friends and I’ll wait for him to reach out. And in the car I tried to show him like how I’m still easy to talk to and made jokes and stuff at the end to just kinda cheer him up.I felt like out chat went well and I miss him so much, I’m just not sure what his take on this is. what do you think?
I'm sure he feels similar, but may not actively express it towards you. As he mentioned, just because he doesn't express certain emotions, it doesn't mean he's over you yet. If you really want him back, perhaps you should try to maintain a level of friendship with him in order to slowly build up a level of trust and bond again for each other, while still working on both your issues of communication and frequencies.
Hey Kevin,
To be brief, my ex and I broke up on feburary 20th. Since that day, we haven’t been in any sort of contact. I’ve been through many difficult and questionning phases and I really wanted to get back with him but since two days, I’ve been feeling a lot better and I am not sure that getting back with my ex is really what I want now. But yet, I’m not quite sure and I’m just really confuse. This morning, after 21 days no contact, he texted me: « When can I come to your place to get my things? I had totally forgot. »
But, the thing is that he doesn’t really have anything left at my place except the gifts he gave me.
My question is: What should I answer, how should I act with him and espicially what do you think all of this means?
You could ask him which things he wants to come by and collect, and gauge from there. If you're not entirely sure whether you want him back, perhaps it's better to figure that part out first before you take any action.
He said he wanted to collect his hoodie, his bag and his socks but, the thing is that he gave them all to me when we were together. I don't want to be rude to him or do anything that could cause some other tensions between us , but should I accept , and give him the things he gave me back or should I just tell him that those were given and I am going to keep them, what exactly should I do?
I'm not a part of the Team, just someone who read your comment, but I would text something like "I thought they were a gift, but if you really want them back, sure. Would xx work for you, my schedule is pretty full until then?" And choose a date a week or two away, just to show him that you are not eagerly awaiting. This will also give you more time to reflect on your feelings.
You should accept it if he really wants them back because by being rude, like you say, you may cause tension and he might think of you differently. Just take it as a restart to things instead of the end of hope.
I met my ex six months ago, since day one we liked each other, we were in a relationship for four months, things were pretty good, we fight from time to time but we always figure it out, we had a tough week by Monday he told me he was feeling a little weird but he didn’t wanted to loose me, that he loved me and couldn’t see himself without me, by Friday we were barely speaking, we met and he told me he just didn’t felt the same anymore, I was shocked because even though I knew we were struggling I didn’t think he would end things that fast, we kept talking because I heard rumors that I wanted to clear up with him, then we stoped talking for two days, then he texted me and we talked for five days and then I decided to stop texting, a week has gone through and he only replied to a pic I posted, but now I am suspecting that he is dating someone else and I just don’t know how to react, is there a way to get him back? I really miss him, I think our relationship had potencial and ended too soon. I love him and he made me very happy. I just don’t know what went wrong and how to make it right
If he's capable of dating someone so soon, it could either mean the new relationship is a rebound or that he didn't see his relationship with you as significant enough. Either way, continue with NC for now and work on improving yourself and working on the areas you felt caused the breakup (on your part, at least). If it's true and he's dating someone else, you might even want to consider moving on from things, but if not - initiate contact again with him some time later and show him the changes you've made to your life.
Hi there!
I don't know if you'll respond to my comment, but I have nothing to lose at this point.
If you would be so kind to give me your sincere advice I'd really appreciate it.
So, 4 weeks ago, I had a last fight my ex-girlfriend. Then, she asked me for space to think 'cause she doesn't knew what she wants anymore. Out of fear, I tried to reach out to her for a period of 3 weeks by calling and texting, even pleading and begging her that this time will be different... but, of course, my words lost credibility in front of her, she saying "To be with you, for what, just to be happy for a period of time, a month, two or a year and then getting hurt again?" I reassured her several times, that I wouldn't dare to hurt her again, but she didn't believe in me. As I contacted her in those 3 weeks, asking for a last chance, I know that what I did was not okay, she gave me that chance many times, but she took it away from me after a day or two, before I could prove it to her that everything will be okay this time. This has happened repeatedly in those 3 weeks... one day she gave me that last chance, another day she took it away from me... just to give me again that chance to took it away again, saying that she doesn't want to see me again or stuff like that... She did that out of fear of not being hurt again... overthinking everything.
A week ago, we had to go somewhere together with her car. She was really cold towards me all the way... when we arrived at the destination, I said to her that I have something to say, she was reluctant at first... When she stopped the car, I touched her hand, askin' to look me in the eye and I said that I do not want the break-up, but if that she really wants, I'll agree about leting her go... Then, when I get out of the car, she came to me, hugged me really tight and when I kissed her for the last time, the expression of her face changed, turning into her old happy self again. I felt her regret for leaving me, I felt her immense love towards me... And when I felt that, I knew that she still loves me despite stating that she doesn't want a relationship with me right now... after I felt that feeling that night, I just can't stop thinkin' about her and to just give up. After that day, she contacted me about her university grades, I replied politely, and that was it... I haven't had contact with her for a week now. It just hurts and I do not know what I should do, to be patient and wait or... ? I do love her sincerely, not because I feel lonely without her, but because she's really special to me...
For the past week, I uploaded some love quotes to "My Day/ My Story" on Facebook, and I can see who saw them and she always check them out, but when I post something on my profile I do not receive likes from her, which don't really bothers me, but she checks every story I post (that's available 24 hours)... I do not know what this means, probably nothing...
We were together 3 years and almost 5 months. University students. She's 21 years old...
Best regards,
someone!
She definitely still loves you, but just isn't sure she can trust you yet. It's something you'll have to prove to her as you go along with your actions and not just your words. Bear in mind that you'll probably face resistance from time to time as she overthinks or even wonders when you'll hurt her again, but it's something you're just going to have to to overcome and be patient each time with her if you want her back in your life for good.
Thank you for your quick reply! I really appreciat it!
As I said in my previous comment, I haven't seen or spoken with her for a week now. I feel that if I do no contact her, she'll never initiate a conversation.
She's someone really proud and the most difficult part is how to change her perspective about me...
I'm thinking about what should I do? To give her more time and space? I do not know when is the right time to approach her. And if I approach her, what should I say? If I start a conversation apoligizing and dropping hints she would back off, I think...
We live 1.5 hrs away, part of why we broke up. I have stuff to return, but should be in no contact after. Thing is, she called me drunk to say she wanted me to come over but didn't ask because I'm too far. I'm seeing her this week, and already told her I'd call her back tmrw.
This whole nc thing is tricky because of our distance, and its easier for her to forget than to wonder, right? Should i just send in a spontaneous step 4 text every couple of days and kind of do a push back-pull in kind of approach after i see her?
One last thing, i am an upcoming musician and made a song inspired by her, and want her to hear it. Thoughts? (Btw its all positive)
Thanks
Perhaps you could let her hear the song after you've completed NC. For the time being, return the stuff, and avoid any messy situations until you've given both parties some time to let go of the negative emotions relating to the break up before initiating contact with her again.
Hey, it’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex that I was together with for 3 years. For the past year we would meet up randomly, all by my own doing, sleep together, only to be told this can’t happen again. I feel rejected at every turn and it keeps weighing on me. He’s moved on but hasn’t been in any relationships. I would love to do the no contact rule but unfortunately we work together at the schools district office and he’s my boss so we have to communicate. Luckily I rarely have to to see him but I do have to email and talk to him very frequently about work. I just can’t get over this. He’s made it clear we will never get back together and I’m starting to lose hope. I thought he was the love of my life and he did at once say he wanted to marry me. There was no cheating yet we just bickered a lot due to us being too much a like. He said he fell out of love with me. I miss him so much and I just feel like he’s slipping further and further away. Is all hope
gone?
For now, keep all conversation at work with him professional and avoid small talk - this is how you practice NC with an ex that you work with. If he's fallen out of love with you, it simply means he lost attraction after all that fighting. Perhaps it's time to make some positive changes to your life that he may notice, and even ignite his interest again if you're really keen on wanting him back. The good thing is at least things didn't end ugly and on non-talking terms, so you definitely still have a chance.
Hello,
My boyfriend broke up with me 5 months ago, we were 2 years together and before that 3 years best friends. He had a new relationship with a girl from his university after 2 months (he told me 1 month later). Now she broke up with him (she cheated) and he comes back to me. He wants the friendship back, he said he wanted to recontact me long before but his (ex) girlfriend has forbidden him to contact me. He asked our mutual friends how I was. Now I don't know if I am the rebound? If he comes back because of regret? Or does he really just want our friendship back? I don't know what to do because I still love him a lot!
It could be any of the 3 reasons, since you wouldn't know his intentions for wanting to come back to you. However, if he is bound by what his ex allows (and doesn't allow) - it means that he still probably has feelings for her and there's a strong chance that he's coming back to you out of comfort (regret) rather than genuinely wanting to be friends.
He still loves his ex, but wants a friendship with me and she will have to accept it no matter what. She is trying to gain his trust back, but he doesn't know if he wants her back, because the relationship will never be that deep like our relationship. He said he doesn't have feelings for me, but I'm still the one he wants kids with... How can he say that without having feelings? Do I have to make him fall in love with me again or do I have to just sit back and wait because "if its meant to be, it will be??" ??
It may be because he's confused about his feelings towards you at the moment. Usually under these circumstances, he probably have a stronger connection with you but a strong passion for his ex resulting in his confusion. You would probably have to try and re-create a spark if you want him back, in order to give yourself an advantage in terms of both connection and passion.
And how can I try to re-create this spark? He is going to give his exgirlfriend a second chance and I am going on a longterm vacation next year so maybe I should wait for it? He said over text he doesn’t feel anything for me at all..
If that's the case, then maybe even more time apart may do you good in order to create enough positive changes to your life so that it's obvious enough to peak his interest down the road if you ever cross paths again. However, under these circumstances, I would think that moving on might be the easier thing to do instead.
Hi there,
I really need advice. My ex and I were on and off again for a year and a half. He left me 4 times. This last tome he packed his stuff the day we broke up and i begged him for weeks to come back. He moved out of town for a job which is initially why he left me because I have a son and we couldn’t move with him and he didn’t even do distance. The last time I saw him like 3 weeks ago when I showed up at his job he had been telling me pretty much to have a good life. He had already removed me off all social media and he blocked my number before I saw him. We said our goodbyes since he was moving. We have been in no contact almost a month and he had told me to move on with my life. He isn’t dating anyone but I feel like he already moved on. He had always come back after begging but this time I haven’t heard from him at all. I want him back so badly. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Please help me. I feel like by him telling me not to just stay in my house all the time and focus on my son he was telling me he didn’t want to be with me. He has abandonment issues and couldn’t commit to being a family which is what we argued about when he left. He always told me he wanted marriage and kids but then just left me for this job and didn’t even try distance.
Even if you want him back, begging isn't the way to go about it since it will only get you blocked. You should focus on picking yourself up for the time being and also remaining strong for the sake of your son. Your son comes first, and since he's moved out of town for work and didn't want to do long distance, it might be best to move on from this, as there's not many opportunities for you to rekindle the relationship. If the chance presents itself in the future, and he moves back to town, you could always try again.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We had been arguing quite a bit the past couple months but go through them and I he also felt I had lost attraction to him. We have been dating over 4 years and the past couple months I wondered maybe what it would be like to try other things and meet new people. In January I suggested a break which took him by surprise. A week went by and we agreed to meet up but he wanted me to do the talking and tell him why we should try again. He said he would give me one more chance, and we were making progress, and things were gradually improving. But a few weeks later we got into an argument and I think that topped it for him. We have been broke up officially for about 3 weeks now. During the first week I tried to get him back by writing him letters and going to his house but it was too soon. He told me we aren't getting back together. Its been 3 weeks now and we have only not been talking for about a week and a half. He texted me yesterday saying that we can meet up if I still have questions for him to answer. I'm wondering if I should go or not. I still have questions but I want him to contact me to possibly try again, and I want him to miss me and miss what we had. I know what we had was special, I was just always insecure, and we struggled on new activities to do, and our sex life. I have had some time to think of how to repair this but I think its still too soon for him to listen. Do you suggest I meet up with him or maybe hold off a little longer?
Thank you! :)
I suggest holding it off awhile longer as it may still be too soon, and meeting him may cause you to do something that you may regret later on - such as begging for him back, especially if he doesn't respond positively.
Whats your take on this situation? Do you think that he will come around maybe even in a few months? or would you say there is no hope?
I would say that there's always going to be a chance, depending on how you play your cards and make your moves. However, there's no guarantee on the time frame it would take, and it's more of questioning yourself whether you're able to hold on. If not, it might be easier to give up and walk away because things may not get easier for the immediate future.
I feel like I can't NOT hold on though because I genuinely feel that he is the one for me, and I love him more than anything. No-one has ever mattered like him. This breakup has taught me so much and a lot of the lessons I have learnt late but I have learnt a lot and in the process of still learning. It's kind of hard to explain but I want him to know that. I received an email this week cause I signed up for the Kevin Thompson emails and it was subjected "And it's called...". It was the email about how once a guy has made a decision he has to stick to it. He needs to be consistent with his decision. And thats exactly how my ex is. I met up with my ex last week and he didn't want to tell himself or me this but he does see himself being with me again, and getting back together. But how do I show him that and make that real when he is dead set on his current decision like the email said? I just feel like when boys make a decision they are have to stick with it but how to you show them that by not sticking with that, it doesn't mean its wrong or all for nothing
Also, since last week he has texted me saying things like "Hey! I hope you have a good day!" and if I don't reply but read it he will ask something else. I replied the first time but a few days later he sent another and I didn't reply. He is being friendly and showing her cares, but its hard only have a 5 text conversation vs. an all day conversation like we used to. Do you think I should just ignore them for now. I want him to miss me but I don't want it to work out the opposite effect.
It would be best if you could ignore the texts while going through NC, but if you're really worried that it results in the opposite effect, perhaps reply to him letting him know that you are working on yourself right now and trying to deal with everything that has happened, and request for some space with a date to catch up again.
As for whatever you're going through, stay strong and understand that when boys make a decision, as stubborn as they try to stick with it, they potentially waver just as quickly. You ultimately have to show him what he's missing out on, and by continuing with making changes in your life and improving yourself, that's what you'll be showing him at the end of the day.
Hello,
I lost my guy to circumstance. He has things to work on. He said he needs space, so should I contact him after the 30 days, or wait for him to contact me?
You could always check in on him to see how he's doing after 30 days, but keep it casual.
Hey, there's this girl i was dating who ended things between us 5 days ago. She ended our relationship through text and when I went to approach her on that night, she chose to ignore me. I did text her following that night but she ignored all my texts. The last time i texted her was 4 days ago.
We first met through Tinder and had a great 1.5 months together but all this came as a shock to me. It was very sudden without any real signs that suggested it was going to happen. After she ended things with me, she unfollowed me on Instagram the next day and made me unfollow her too (i guess it's through block and unblock). She unmatched me on Tinder either yesterday or today, although she didn't block me on the phone so i can still text her but i dont know what new developments are going to happen. I'm just curious whether the no contact rule will apply here, and if it does, how long should i do it for? If it's applicable, then how do I approach her while it ends - memory texts or the elephant? And does the fact that she didn't block me on the phone and Instagram mean that i still have a chance?
Since it was only a short period of dating, perhaps you might want to give it around 2 weeks for the NC period. However, you should also keep in mind that winning her back is dependent on how she viewed the relationship with you, and you have to be mentally prepared that she might not have been as serious as you were.
We’ve been engaged since September and out of the blue I was sat down and got told that my fiancé is leaving me. Concerned it was pre-marriage jitters, I told her that we can cancel the wedding and just work on us. She told me that I need to realise that this decision isn’t temporary and that she has considered it over a few months. I’m very confused at the moment as all I have as an answer is that she needs to be alone and work on herself. I want to start doing the no contact thing, but obviously logistics of staying together, wedding plans etc. needs to be worked out ASAP. Not sure what to do as I really want to do anything in my power to make things work again and want to follow the above to do so. How can I go about making sure all the arrangements have been finalised as well as starting with the no contact?
You could still go ahead with no contact, even under these circumstances. Simply limit the small talk with her and keep any engagement purely on a necessary basis, relating to the logistics of your wedding and other arrangements. Try to get them sorted out as soon as possible, and from there fully focus on no contact after.
Hi im having problems with my ex gf, we broke up around a month ago, she told me that she wasnt ready for a reletionship, i been writing and calling her all the time, and asking why?dont you love me and stuff, and 4 days ago she called me and said she is prenant, and we been fight so much there pass 3 weeks, she started to lose feeling for me, and now i do not know how to get get back, and she is carrying my child, she still tells me that she doesnt want a reletionship, if you could contact me would be great, i still do love her, i want to be with her, we been fighting/writing so much together, that like i said she is losing feeling for me, i dont know what i have done to make her end the reletionship with me, everything was good, then she started to be distances/didnt wrote much, and one day she just said it, i dont wa t to be in a relationship right now, she saids she loved me but she wasnt ready, can you contact me and please help me win her back
Perhaps you need to show her that you're capable of change if you want to win her back. You'll need to make some changes in your life, and show her that you love her not just by your words but also by your actions.
Hi there,
My gf of 8yrs broke up with me cause I've continously shown a lack of communication skills (i shut her out during fights) throughout our relationship. Issues were never resolved and were always repeating. At the end i gave her less attention and that was the last drop for her. She said she loves me and knows i love her too, but wants to move on as our relationship is too toxic for her and she's afraid to get hurt again.
I'm already seeing a therapist to pick up on these issues, mostly were from my troubled childhood.
But i'm a bit late to fix me.. We've tried to stay in contact, but i only pushed her away more. After 2 months of trying to get her attention (we did cuddle alot and still kiss a bit once in a while), i started NC, cause that's what she wants too. She wants to forget about me..
She is now making arrangements to basically cut me out of her life.
Is it too late for me? Is there anything else i can do?
Thanks, Jack
Since there's so many negative emotions associated with you at the moment, it may be best to let her cut you out for the time being to at least let go of these negative emotions, while you make some changes to yourself. You'll be able to re-contact her again later on, and these changes you've made should have a bigger impact since she may not have a jaded view against you by then.
After 1 month of NC, we had some contact (she contacted me) as we're separating our mortgage on our house since I've been living in another house a month after the break up. So she contacts me once in a while, she's already noticed some of the changes made.
Should i ever contact her or always let her contact me? When she does contact me i try and be nice and sweet to her. I'm just unsure if i should try and keep the convo going or just give her a little and let her have the option to 'pull' if she really wants to keep the convo going, just so i don't put any pressure on her and maybe actually letting her wanting more.
She's also going away on vacation soon.. unsure if i should wish her well or be completely silent. My gut is telling me to wish her well, my mind is telling me to steer clear
You could be the one to initiate from time to time, and see how she responds to it. At least you get a gauge of how she responds to you when you're the one who contacts her instead.
It seems it's always me initiating the contact. Every 3/4 days. She's still being distant and i can tell she has her walls up and keeps talking about us in different lives and that we'll get used to it... Almost as if she's heartless. It's so confusing how much a person can change in so little time.
Btw, my last email from you guys was "The Soap Opera Called Life". Was that the end? Aren't there any more e-mails?
Thanks, Jack
Need more advice please. And why aren't there any subscription emails from you guys with more advice??
I met my ex on holiday and at first I wasn't really interested it seem to be all him we kept in contact for 7 months and then he came on a work course up near me ( he lives 4 hours away). he spent every weekend at mine and we got on really well - still do - we have so much in common. He came and spent weekends with me and I went down to see him. but after 4 months or so he thought about it and decided a relationship isn't for him right now because of work as he is unsure what he is doing. he said he has feelings for me but obviously aren't as intense as mine but wants to keep in contact and meet up every now and then because he likes spending time with me and thinks im a great person. He hasn't really had a relationship before so has never had to commit and he also isn't one to get attached to people.
im currently (successfully) on day 13 of no contact and he has pretty much made contact everyday by sending a instagram or facebook post but yesterday he messaged saying "even though you dont want any contact with me you need to see this picture" which was of a cat, so I didnt really need to see it. Im just really confused what to do or what is going on. By him saying that does that mean the NC is getting to him and that was his way of getting my attention and trying to get me to reply or am I in the friend zone?. Never mind his head being all over the place mine is!! I would love to try make us happen as we are so compatible but what do I do? will he commit? is he starting to miss me? he also did say it will take him a few months to sort out his work but doesn't want me to hang on to something that is 100% certain because of how strong I feel.
Any advise would be great!
thank you
As you've mentioned, it's clear that he has feelings for you but isn't sure of them and being someone who hasn't had a serious relationship before, finds it easier to push you away than to accept and deal with those feelings. Your options now are to either convince him that it can work out and lead by experience, or let him continue chasing you in the hopes that he figures his feelings out someday and commits to you. Either way, it seems that NC is somewhat getting to him judging by the fact that he continues to maintain contact with you despite.
I am 20 years old while my ex boyfriend is 19 years old. He broke up with me saying that he's not ready for a commitment but we've been together for 2 years. 1 year of friendship and 1 year of being in a relationship. I just don't get it. I want him back but I think he fall out of love and is confused of his life. We are now friends but I don't talk to him anymore because he is just ignoring my message. What shall I do? Some of his guitar stuff are still in my place, when I asked him when will he pick up those stuff he just replied "standby".
You could apply NC for the time being to pick yourself back up, and distance yourself from the situation so as to not get affected by his actions. You'll also want to prove that your life doesn't revolve around him. Due to his age, he might genuinely not be ready to commit because of his maturity and still wants to explore his 'choices'.
Okay, this has worked but it's been about 18 months and I contacted her about 4 months ago. Trust me, she's worth it. We're meeting this Friday night and I'm nervous. She's nervous too, I can tell. It didn't last long in our past relationship, it was quick and love really didn't have a chance to blossom, but recently I feel that either 1.) she's realized that she's falling in love with me and is afraid of how things in our current situations could change as we're both married and unhappy, or 2.) she has walls up because she's forgotten how to love and wants to keep me in the friend zone until she figures out what to do including giving me her heart. She has been opening up to me a lot over the last 30 days, like some kind of switch was instantly flipped and it's much different than our first relationship. We laugh a lot about everything and I feel like I'm now trusted which is extremely important but I don't want to blow it and have my heart broken again even though I'm already in love with her. She's an independent woman and I intend on not smothering her with love and affection even though she has told me that she is missing this. I want her to fall for me when she's ready, not try and force it, even though I can't wait to pull her close, stare into her eyes, touch her face and kiss her again. Any advice is surely appreciated. She really means the world to me and all I've ever wanted is to have her back. So here I am, only three days away from my second chance and my anxiety and excitement are very very high.
Normally, just being yourself is enough, especially if she's already started to fall for you but isn't sure of her feelings just yet. You could increase her confidence by assuring her of these feelings and letting things progress at her pace of comfort.
me and my ex broke up from 3 days ago and the reason was because his mom didn't approve for the relationship and he couldn't disobey her and so he dumped me so shall i start the no contact rule hoping we might get back together becuz i really love him ?
Your chances would depend why his mom disapproved of the relationship, and whether there are things that could be done to change that. Figure that out, and if the answer is no - his mom won't ever change her outlook, you might be better off moving on from the relationship since he is unlikely to change his mind about the breakup.
Just someone who read your message here... if you think he feels bad for the breakup too and is genuinely hesitant only because of his mom, I would send him a text saying something like "Even though I feel it's a shame you let your mom's feelings override yours, I understand why you feel you must do this. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the relationship, I've learned a lot and know that this experience will help me in my next relationship. Best of luck to you!"
Then go no contact.
This might a) make him think of you in another relationship, which might make him fight harder for you and b) leave a fond memory; who knows, maybe you'll have another chance one day, when he is no longer quite so dependent on his mother.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago. We were together for a 4 years and she broke up with because of constant arguing. She had told me before and given me chances before but i never changed and she decided it was the final straw. The breakup was messy and angry and its only in the last week that we stopped talking. I had a realisation that my communication method had still not improved and therefore i have now sought professional help to improve which i feel is working. She called me by mistake so i rang her back and i apologised for being angry and tried to approach the conversation in a confident and calm manor, she started crying because she said it was hard to hear my voice. We had a nice chat then i left it on a positive note. She has however been pretty adamant we need to not speak to get over eachother and we certainly are never getting back together. It feels like i can never show her that things can change this time. What should i do?
Perhaps give her some space for now and apply No Contact in the meantime to continue working on your communication issues and yourself in general. Contact her again after and see how things go.
Hey I wrote a message a while back - I'm 21, he's 24 and moved onto an 18 year old girl from his school less than a week after a big fight. We were talking for several months/in a relationship for around 3 months. At this point, he's been dating her for longer than we have but they only “clicked” after that fight (from what he's told me, idk) which was on December 1. We were trying to work things out after we broke up in mid November and he even said he loved me and that we have a lot to work on a couple days before that fight where we stopped talking for 2 weeks. That was the longest we didn't talk before it was like 1/2 days, we talked everyday almost all day. We started getting into fights more often before the breakup and I was surprised when he wanted to break up because I thought we were serious about each other because the fights were so silly. I focused on myself for those 2 weeks because we both had finals so I thought he was focused on that too. I found out he was with that girl 2 and a half weeks later and he said he had already been with her for 2 weeks. We got into a huge, ugly fight and I called him a cheater because his stories weren't adding up. I acted really needy, texting him a lot but then I stopped, did no contact, and worked on myself.
He added me on snapchat randomly like 2 weeks after when he had blocked my number/all social media so I figured out he unblocked me. I didn't add back or anything and he unfollowed 5 days later after I posted pics looking like I was happy/with friends. So then a month later I sent an 'accidental heart' in instagram message and said sorry it was a mistake and he adds me on snapchat again. I ask him why and he said he "thought we could be friends but slowly" and I'm like okay. At this point, I thought maybe things weren't working out with the new girl because she hadn't posted pics of them in a month when they were posting many pics before. So then a couple days later is Valentine's day and she posts a pic with him carrying her on his back and I message him angrily that ‘I don't want to be friends, what did you think you'd get out of this’ and more long, angry texts that he didn’t respond to and he blocked me again on everything. Then I tried messaging I'm sorry but no response. I felt so stupid after. A couple days later, she posts 3 consecutive instagram posts with him like her arms around him, him around hers, seeming really happy. Under one of them I noticed he commented “so the worst pictures of me 🙄” and didn’t like the post and I saw the comment was deleted afterwords. I know I’m getting into the details but I just don’t know what to think. I messed up again and I’m hopeless at this point that I even have a chance. I’ve stopped contact again but I don’t know if it’ll work, I’ve messed up too much. Do you have any advice on what could be going on and what I could do from this point?
Hello
My girlfriend left me one month ago.she prank on me and I had take it seriously and I call her again and again to talk to her but she ignored me all time.After that one day she clearly said to me on phone that she don't want me because of my behaviour.she was thinking I was getting psycho,possessive and doubt about her.Because this misunderstanding she avoid to talk with me.sometimes I only message her.I can give her time but she is very stubborn about her decision so what to do now?
If this past month hasn't been enough time for her to calm down and she's still upset with you, perhaps give her some more space to let go of the negative emotions she may still feel towards you. Depending on how you reacted to her prank, there are clear issues that both parties need to work on, in terms of respecting each other, boundaries, and the communicative skills to know when one party is joking. If you really want her back, you could let her know that you're sorry for reacting that way and it was a misunderstanding. Tell her you'd still like to be friends but would give her the space she needs before she's ready to talk to you again.
Hello
She said all time you have same behaviour and I want to focus on carrier so stay away.
I am ready for give her space but after my reaction she don't want me to accept again.
What to do now
Hi, this may be a really long and complicated story but I will keep it short.
Two things I have to mention. First, we, in fact, were not a couple, because we did not date, but we acted like one. Second, I was serious with him and committed to this relationship. I did have feelings for him first since we rented the same place and he was always there when I needed him. I could say that I was emotionally attached to him. We were in the same house together for 4 months (around 7 months ago). All good things happened. We shared things, talked, went on trips, did things together. I did think he was the one for me, and I could feel he had feelings for me too. Then I had to go away. We kept in touch for 2 months at least (about 2 months ago?), and he told me wanted to be serious since he liked me a lot too. He asked me when I got back to the house if I wanted to date him and be in a serious relationship and something further. I had to say this was what I expected yet did not give him the answer at that time. But after that thing changed. He told me that I was so indecisive and could not sure what I wanted in life. He did not want to be with someone like that. That was 5 weeks ago. The reason was he was quite mature and he wanted to get married less than 3 years times. Then 3 weeks ago he told me that he was seeing someone else but he knew that relationship did not go anywhere, he did not have an attachment to her. Of course, I was in a total mess since he gave me hope and as I told you I was quite serious with him, and I did think we could be committed to each other. Things shifted too fast in just 5 weeks, how could I deal with it normally?. When I came back to the state a week ago (I moved all my stuff out when he said he was seeing someone so I am not with him now), I texted him a lot, called him a lot, and like most people here, got blocked too (just a few days ago). He told me he had moved on, so just take my time and do my thing, let it be for a while and should not disturb each other for a few months.
Today I accidentally found your blog, I read some and realized a lot. I know 7-month knowing each other is not long, but we are both mature, and we were quite serious for a couple of months so I did think this worked out. I am still a mess now since things have happened quite recently, but I am picking up every piece and start to think straight. If I follow your 5-step, do you think if there is any chance we can get back together in a few months time? Or at least, just be friends without letting out past disturb our friendship (supposed we could both actually move on)
Hope I can get the answer from you since this will mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for your time
The important thing for you in this scenario is to work towards building up a friendship with him again. Perhaps the distance had caused him to disassociate himself with you despite how he felt, and now it's easier to push you away than to work on continuing where things left off. There's definitely still a chance, but it's dependent on how strongly he felt towards you back then as well. Since he already knows it won't work out with his current date, he has not dismissed the idea of dating you, but he probably knows it won't happen anytime soon. I suggest that you give both parties some space for the time being and apply no contact. You could start talking to him again once things have settled down, and you are in a better place emotionally.
Last year i met a woman, she was very into me, you see Im the kind of guy who doesnt fall in love fast, after a while spending together she liked me very much and even told me first that she loved me, at that point i did not love her but i liked her very much, after a little longer a month we started a relationship and i started to really love her. In fact in the beginnings things were so great that we couldnt get enough of eachother, she even said that she loved me forever, at a few points i did some stupid things and made her very angry with me, after that i showed her how much she meant to me and started to do everything for her, everytime we had problems i tried very hard to make things better for her, we both live in different countries but she comes to my country to visit family, she has 2 children ( girls) her exhusband was no longer in the picture before i met her, 2 months ago the day when she left my country i spend the day with her and everything was great, before she go away she said i love you and i will text you next week, so one week later she texted me and sended me pictures of her and told me she missed me, i started to text her several times and she and i just got simpel messages back but still with a line like: (you are my heart).
I was doing my own thing but missed her alot so i started to send her a few texts, just telling her how much i loved and miss her, i started to get stressed, after the last text she told me that she loved me too but doesnt like to text me all the time, she said not to stress about anything and that she comes next month, so i told her that i promise that i not stress, i waited one week and it was valentinesday so i texted her, she texted me back and said to me happy valentinesday my love i miss you, after that we havent talked since then, i dont know what her point of view is on us? Maybe she wants to be alone to miss me and stronger our relationship or Maybe she is seeing another guy, i have no idea? I had a special gift made for her and her children to show her how much i care and how much my heart feels for her, i want to give this gift to her when she comes again and i see her.
Do you have any advice on what i should do when i see her? I know exactly how i feel and this is the woman i want to spend my life with.
For the time being, try not to over think so much, and perhaps text her occasionally leading up to her visit. Wait until she comes to visit again, then give her the gift you've prepared. From there it would be easier to observe as well, whether she seems different emotionally towards you, or if you were thinking too much. If it is the former, you should definitely address the issue with her and let her know how you feel.
Thank you for the advice, i already decided to not overthink so much, so have been keeping myself bussy and its working great, the fact that she has 2 children means that she also is very bussy with taking care of them and i have to respect her space, i only texted her a few days ago to tell her how i have been and told her that i hoped that she and her children are well, she pretty much texted me right back and told me that she was happy that i am good and that she is also very good with her children she said she missed me and i texted her back and told her i missed her too, after that the conversation was ended because space is very important i decided to not overthink and did not text her, she wil come soon so Im just living my life and taking it one step at a time, when i see her i will give her the gift and see how things are just like you said, even whatever happens, her happiness is more important to me.
Hi,
My girlfriend left me in January after being together for 4 years.
She was jealous of my ex who is my business partner and my best friend. She found some messages on my phone which meant nothing I tried to explain everything, but she doesn't accept friendship between me and my ex. She is jealous of even "Hi Hun" message.#
Well after finding the last message on my phone she decided to break up but she kept living with me another 20 days, we had a laugh, we had sex etc. But she kept saying we have to break up and after a big argument she left the house on 17th of January and took her stuff on 28th of January. I didn't contact her until the 13th of February but when we met up she invited me for a drink where we kissed and she said she loves me but we cant be together and we have to move on.And she was upset that i didnt contact her past 3 weeks and didnt care about her. on 14th she got drunk with her friends and texted "I love you too. Happy valentines". on 15th we met again we kissed, cried and she said she will block me on every social media and that we have to move on. This is driving me crazy. I applied no contact again but contacted her yesterday and again humiliated myself saying I love her and that we should get back together. She got pissed off and said that i didnt love her and that I chose to stay friends with my ex. she suggested me to date my ex again. She said even if we get together everything will remind her of my friendship with my ex and she will get angry and snap.So she suggested me to see the specialist and move on
So about my ex: we work together. She has a girlfriend and getting married. She is the person I rely on, I trust.
I never cheated on my girlfriend. I just don' know what else to do? I want her back. But I have this feeling she will not come back and no contact will push her further away from. Please advise
Thanks
You have to understand that it's normal for your partner to feel insecure and jealous over an ex being your best friend because they are worried that a relapse of feelings could happen at anytime and they feel threatened by it. It's clear that your partner still loves you, but as long as your relationship continues with your ex as best friends, it will be hard for her to accept it, and it's always going to be an issue. Ultimately, while I'm all for exes remaining friends, I've come to realize that boundaries still have to be drawn, especially when you enter a new relationship, because most people aren't going to be able to accept it. Perhaps you have to understand why your partner feels threatened by your ex, and what goes through her mind, so that you may be able to come to some compromise on the matter, without severing ties with your ex and still getting your current partner back.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for the reply. Do you recommend I do the no contact?
I am training someone at work already to leave that job where I work with my ex (friend)
And my ex wrote my current gf an email saying that she doesn't want to be part of our break up and that we have to sort out ourselves. That she has her family and fiance and doesn't want to be blamed for the problems she hasn't created.
I am going on holiday soon. I will be back in 45 days so all this period of time I want to do no contact.
whats your advise.
Many Thanks
If that's the case, I do suggest you follow through with NC since the opportunity is there and your ex has expressed herself already in not wanting to get involved in the process, so you should respect her decision and not 'involve' her until everything has cleared up.
Hi, I met my ex 3 years ago, I was and still are a college student. Im 35 now she is 29. At that time I was married and lived far from her. Eventually I divorced and everything started to go perfect with my girlfriend. Now, she was and is ridiculous jealous, I mean crazy ridiculous, even from her own family, it's like I'm a walking Brad Pitt. Not even 3 months into the relationship she told me she wanted kids, I talked to her and said it wasn't the best moment and she took it bad and even accused me of being sterile. Tired of that crap I said to myself, ok how bad can it be? At 5 months she got pregnant of twins. Since that moment it was even crazier. At some point I had really given up since she didn't trust me and was suffocating me, so we talked and kind of broke up. From that moment I felt happy and just kept a father relationship with her. Like 4 months later I found that she was talking to a guy. She actually looked for him and I got really upset. I tried to explain myself why, and just could understand she felt I wasn't giving her attention as a woman, so couple weeks later we sit down and talked and decided to give it a chance. We started again and everything was good. Now the problems in our relationship have always been her jealously and money. Even when I was a college student, I paid her bill until she got a job a year after the birth. When it came time for the taxes I let her get all the refunds, even though I have rights to claim one, and even more when she took me to court to pay child support. Eventually after 3 years she broke up with me again for money reasons. Her reason are that she thinks I won't ever change and have proved nothing to her, that I have no commitment. And I'm like, how can you say that? I always paid your bills, didn't claim my kids even when you made me pay child support, proposed you marriage and everything. My friends tell me I should move on, she is not worth it. I'm not perfect by any means, by im average handsome, good guy, no bad habits, never cheated on her, and even better parent than what she is. But for some reason I can't stop thinking about going back to her as bad as it looks. I wonder why someone like her that met bad men before me would be able to find someone good after me, even after all the crap she has put me through, how life can be so unfair. I see my kids everyday but wonder whether if I take them to my house for some days of the week will affect her and maybe make her realize a relationship is compromise and sacrifices, or if she would be happy she would have more time for dating a new guy. I miss my relationship as bad as it was and wonder why? Initially I screwed up and didn't do the no contact period, I begged her and humiliated myself, and now feel ashamed. Since the last argument we had there has been 10 days of no contact, only couple call regarding the kids, I'm holding on, but is extremely though. I have been working on myself but I find it hard to focus. I can't stop thinking or wishing that her next relationship is bad enough so she can value me. I even talked to a therapist and she told me she won't be able to put aside her own issues by simply dating a guy, but it hurts to even think she will. I can't stop thinking about the probabilities that some guy will be willing to date a single mother of 2 and be able to handle her craziness. I try to tell myself that the probabilities are low, but can't stop fearing for that one chance, as she is physically beautiful. I don't know, I can't stop asking questions, like did she really love me? why did she wanted to have kids with me when I was a broke student? Does she still love me somehow? After breakup in one of our discussions she mentioned I was doing everything to go back but I was doing it wrong, and was like why you tell me that when you said you didn't want to go back? Then things got worse as I didn't do the no contact. But for some reason she always tells me that she has lost hope of me changing, and everytime we comeback, but I'm afraid not this time.
It can be hard to accept the breakup, especially when your ex seems to be doing much better than you are, but you have to ask yourself honestly if this is the kind of life you want to lead. She seems unlikely to change anytime soon, and the only way things may work out now is by your compromise, which is emotionally exhausting. You'll have to figure out what it is you want, and why it is you want her back because ideally if you're going to attempt to win her, it should be a permanent thing and not some temporary moment of happiness with no change to the situation.
Hey.. I've been dating him for 11months,i love him so much... But this year is too important for both of us (the last yr of high school).. We hardly communicated... Then he told me that he don't want to talk to me.. And gave no reasons ..just he had some problems and refused to explain,,,,. I told him that i love him he don't have to do that to me.. He just said that he loves me too..and asked me to remember him any way...
now we don't talk any more.. I don't know or understand anything..am i single ?? What to do with him.. Also i know he is talking to other girls rn .. Not dating....and that makes me jealous and really angry... i miss him so much though
You should have a talk with him about this, and figure out what it is he wants. There's a good chance that he wanted to break up but didn't know how to go about it, eventually deciding to keep things vague hoping you'll forget about the relationship.
If so y did he told me that be loves me and misses me and promised that whatever happens he will love me... How could he be such a liar!! It's complicated... When he said he didn't want to talk to me he said that after finishing our study we could be together.. And refused to explain more..
What if i talk to him !!!! And he pulls me away again..it will hurt me.. Isn't there any other solution? <3
Like I mentioned earlier, instead of overthinking and speculating of all the possible scenarios that may or may not be true, you might want to consider simply talking to him and asking him for an honest answer. If he doesn't want to give it to you, then you might be better off distancing yourself from him for the time being, until there's a better opportunity.
thank u for helping me ❤❤but i didn't talk to him.. yesterdays he texted me that he missed me so much and wants to be with me again.. i asked him for explanation he said he was sorry and told that he was depressed about his study, he said he wasn't doing well so decided to be away from me as he didn't deserve me.. he wanted to be successful in order to make a serious relationship... i believed him and i was so happy about his thoughts...but when i told that to my bestie.. she told me that he is lying.. in ordor not to lose me.. and it seems like he is playing.. knowing that i didn't talk to him since yesterday.. i don't know what to do.. ! is he really lying? should i support him? or leave him!!?
This is something you would know best and I cannot give you a definite answer since I do not know your ex and how he's like as person. You should consider carefully, and follow what you think is the best solution based on whether you think he's lying or not.
Hey
Me and my ex broke up 24days ago
The reason behind the breakup was his family concern.It is necssary to mention that we belongs from different religion and his family would never accept me.But from the very begining of our relationship he said that we will not live with our family as he don't have any problem regarding my religion. To be really honest our relationship was the bestest one I have ever seen. He was so supporting, understating, loving, caring. I can't think my life without him. But as I was quite stubborn so he had to always pacify me that what made our realtionship a bit complicated. From last 2 months he was behaving quite weirdly as we weren't able to contact frequently due to some problems. Last day before we broke up we had a fight and stopped talking to each other. But at the end of the day I couldn't resist myself and called him. But he didn't talk to me properly. Later on he said that he wouldn't be able to continue this relationship. When I asked for reasons he said anyhow his mother got to know about our realtionship and he can't take the pain from his home.And also added he can't progress in his life because of me as he is fully obsessed with me. He said he can't concentrate in a single thing as he always think about me, ourself and our future. As a result he wont able to make a good result and wont able to make a future for us.So he said he can't continue the realtionship. My world was just ended right there. I was completely blank then.I begged him and cried out.But he didn't hear. He was sticked to his logic. Lastly I couldn't resist myself and said a lots of bad stuff about his family and him.Which made him more angry. He blocked me in all kind of social networking sites. He blocked my number too. I begged to him but he didn't pay a hid to it. I also tried to reach him through his friends but it didn't worked out. Intact last night also I called him more than 25times but he didn't picked.Am just driving crazy day by day.I've become completely depressed and my health got also affected by this. The next month I have a big exam to appear which will literally decide my future but for this I really can't concentrate.I've tried to suicide by taking pills and by hearing that he became more angry and thought am trying to distracting him. I know what I've done to him wasn't right. I shouldn't say those stuffs to him. And am really sorry from the core of my heart. He is the right one for me and no one could be better than him.I have no clue what I'll do the next day. I just can't live without him. I want him back the love of my life any how. I am getting destructed day by day
Plz help me reagarding this
I really love him and ready to apologise for all wrong things that I've done to him. But he is not even ready to listen.Plz help!!
Then you'll have to give him space first to let go of all the negative emotions he has towards you at the moment from the recent events. If you really feel unable to cope with your emotions and have suicide tendencies or thoughts, perhaps it may be better to consult a specialist for therapy before you try to contact your ex again. By being like this, you will only push him further away because you come across as desperate or needy, which would make him raise his guard against you.
Hey Kevin,
about 2 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend because at the time it felt like the right thing to do. It was our first real relationship any of us had and we dated for about 5 months. about 2 hours after breaking up with her I realized how much of a mistake I made. we are both young and were each other's first love. We talked the day after and I told her how much of a mistake it was and everything, but she feels that we have grown apart and this is for the best. a few days went by and I gave her a valentines day letter, just talking about our good times and how ill always love her, she texted me that night saying how much that meant to her and everything but that was it. about a week went by and I heard from my friends that she honestly wants to keep things this way so I sent her a text explaining the only reason I did what I did was because I thought she was losing interest in me and was afraid she was going to end things with me.
She said that she appreciated me telling her that but honestly thinks its best if we both move on, she said that people change and that's okay, difficult for sure but okay, she also said that maybe in a few years if everything works out that we could try things again but right now she cant. I told her I respect that and only asked for a second chance but was told: "I cant, I'm sorry".
I've tried to get my head off her but I honestly believe I lost something truly special. I don't want to be needy but I also want her back. she says that she misses what we had and will always care about me and that the past week or so hasn't been easy but she keeps saying that this is best for us.
am I in a hopeless situation?
You're not in a hopeless situation, but it's best if you give her some time to loosen her stand on not getting back together. She's currently adamant about it based on the current you, and if you want a shot with her, you might have to make some changes to your life to re-attract her back. You could follow this article for further guidance.
my girlfriend broke up with me recently after 4years of the relationship,she says she doesnt trust me and love me anymore,i want to start the no contact rule,i dont know if it will work and she has started seeing another guy 3montgs before we broke up,what are my chances??
Why would she not trust you if she's the one who started seeing another guy even before you broke up? You might want to consider the possibility of walking away and being fair to yourself. However, if you genuinely want to be with her again, it's most likely that this new guy is a rebound for you, and she probably ended the relationship because 4 years is a long enough time for couples to lose the passion or spark in the relationship. I suggest making changes to that aspect, and applying no contact before considering any action down the road.
Hi Kevin...
I want to tell u that I was dating one guy ... We both were serious about each other n loyal too.. We dated for 5 months he always used to talk with me n he made commitment in front of everyone that he going to marry me... He said whatever happen I ll stay with her.. N Now I don't know what happen he brokeup n reason given that I irritate him n tortured him... I said sorry even I said I ll never do it again still he was like noo I don't want u... 20 days ago he brokeup with me n we having mutual friends they too tired for patchup but he is not ready at all Plzz tell me what to do??
You could consider applying No contact and spend some time figuring out what you could improve on with regards to your personal life, and if you still want to be with him after NC, try initiating contact then. This gives him some space to let go of negative emotions he may hold towards you.
My ex girlfriend broke up with my almost two months ago. She gave me multitude of reasons but after reflecting I know she lost attraction for me and we were not successfuly communicating. She kissed a guy the day after we split (and maybe more). I begged her to stay and give me one more chance a week after the breakup when we met to talk and gain closure. She told me she has been in relationship after relationship and doesn’t know how to be happy in her own. She just couldn’t have me as her boyfriend anymore she said.
It’s been super hard to do anything and I’ve read countless articles on how I should handle myself and what I should do. I still want her back for the right reasons. In the first month apart she sent me a gift, posted a pic on the one social media site that I didn’t block her on in a jacket of mine that she has, and txted me on my birthday that she missed me.
I reached out about a month after going no contact to see the reason for these actions if there was any. She told me she wasn’t trying to confuse me but rather express her want to be on good terms. I never replied and I’m wondering what I should do.
Thank you
Since no contact is over, you can consider remaining on friendly terms with her first, and slowly work your way towards something more again. Even if she has lost attraction towards you, the fact that she once fell in love with you meant that there is a certain factor you possess that attracts her. You're just going to have to recall what it was, and implement it as part of your plan to attract her back once more.
I'm so dumb! It's really balffling how someone can love you deeply for over 3 years and suddenly, they have turned off all feelings. It's been 3 weeks since we have been officially broken up, and I have messaged him around once a week, to which he would politely reply. He's been out every night, and I am just freaking out inside because he's so good looking, I'm sure women are all over him. I talked to him yesterday, I had to call him at work. We talked about our finances and took care of some of those things, I told him I was doing well, and he said the same. Then I stupidly said "I miss you". The heartbreaking reply was, "yeah" Now I feel like I blew it. It's been 3 weeks, I feel like he is so done. Is it too late for no contact now?
You could apply no contact now, but perhaps do it for 2 weeks before trying to initiate contact with him, especially if you're worried of him getting together with someone else. However, if you're able to do so, then complete NC for 4 weeks and spend this time focusing on yourself.
i broke up with my bf about 11 days ago and currently doing no contact. however, i was unwell recently and he was helping me to get home from uni. we also have some classes together and he did texted me a couple of time during nc. the last contact i did was when he asked me how was i feeling after he sent me back. i only replied 'im okay and thanks for helping me,' and then i never replied any of his messages after that. after that we saw each other the next day and he started talking to me. i did my best to keep minimum contact while trying to not appear cold. i dont know what to do. this is harder than i thought. i miss him terribly but i also realised that we need space, well at least i do. i kind of disliked the fact that he is treating me as if i am a friend. i realised i cant be just friends with him, hence why i hope by doing nc and following these advises would help me get him back.
we were in an on and off relationship for 2 years+. we are now 20 years old and we have been together since we were 18. all the times we broke up, it was his decision and all the time he was the one asking us to get back together. we broke up because he believe we have no future together due to different religious beliefs, and he also said that a small factor that pushed him to wanting the break up was to experience how his life would be without me. he felt like he would lose his 'youth and college life' if he stayed in the relationship without exploring the experience of being single.
he did said that he doesnt know whats going to happen in the future and we may cross path again, although he thinks that we should not get back together again. i personally want him although i know i dont need him. i want him cause although he thinks we have no future, i realised that we both grew to be a better version of each other when we were together. we learned a lot together and we were compatible except for the fact that his parents would never approve his relationship with me due to the difference in religion.
what should i do? am i doing the right thing? please help me
It seems that he is experiencing a common effect many couples go through in slightly longer relationships, where he starts to think that the grass is greener on the other side and wants to see it for himself. Under these circumstances, there really isn't a right or wrong thing you can do, but more of where your heart lies. If you really want him back, you'll have to show him that the grass is better with you than elsewhere. If the relationship was a meaningful one as you said, when you begin no contact and work on improving yourself as intended during NC, he may start to realize that.
thank you for your response Ryan. i really appreciate it. yesterday he texted me again asking about how am i feeling and i didnt reply at all. a few hours later, he texted me asking 'what happened to not avoiding?'. i guess he started wondering why didnt i reply back to him when he reached out to me. when i saw that message i was feeling a little guilty cause i never want to ignore him but i am currently doing nc, so i would naturally/unconsciously ignore him somewhat. i then asked my friend to helped me, which she was more than happy to do so, to indirectly talk to him on my behalf that i need time and space from everything that has been going on since i have other things that has been burdening me emotionally on top of the break up.
he then replied to my friend saying that he is worried about me since he is aware that im going through a hard time and the fact that i am not replying to him made him even more worried. he told my friend to let him know if i am unwell/ or not feeling okay physically or emotionally, or if i ever need his help. he was telling my friend that it meant a lot to him that my friend was willing to tell him about me.
i personally feel like he is treating me like a friend. and i understand that he felt weird that i am not replying to him since before we broke up, he told me each to give space but try to not ignore one another, cause he believe that we are still good friends of one another and we shall not let the break up ruin our friendship. i personally do not really like the fact that he is treating me as a friend cause i cant be just friends with him.
was it wise for me to ask for my friend's help to talk to him indirectly? will it ruin the concept of no contact? will this make him wonder whether the break up was a good or a bad idea? what should i do next?
thanks in advance :)
No it wouldn't ruin anything. When you're on NC, you can still reply him if necessary but keep the conversation short, and let him know that you're working on yourself. The fact that he's concerned shows that he still cares for you, which is a good sign as opposed to being cold towards you. It's just that he may not share feelings of passion towards you right now, like a lover would. You should continue with NC for the time being and focus on yourself. If he contacts again, you could always choose to reply if you want to, but as mentioned earlier, keep the exchange short.
thank you for your reply Ryan. it means a lot to me. i have a question regarding whats happening recently between my ex and i. this is going to be quite a long post, i apologise in advance if i am troubling you with my problem.
My ex and i are in the same classes for uni. On Monday, i went to see his friend who stayed in the same accommodation to return his shirt for me since he wasnt in the morning class. Few hours after, i was heading to my afternoon class and i was waiting for the lecture hall to be open. I recently had my blood taken for a general check up and sprained my wrist as i fell due to the slippery stormy weather. I guessed he saw my bandaged wrist and came up to me to asked what happened. As i cant runaway, i hesitated at first but i eventually told him what happened. i told him about it although i was a little panicky at that time since i wasnt expecting him to approach me after the 'no reply messages' incident. I just said 'i fell,'. And the he asked how i did fall. I just said it was slippery and i fell. Then he saw my bruised injection scar and asked me was it because they took my blood and i said yes. He started chuckling cause he knew im scared of needles and said how did it go? I just answered with 'i fainted'. then he was like because of the needles or anemia? And i answered 'both'.
When i was in the middle of telling him, my class was opened and people rushed into it and i cant help that i have to get into the class with him. After im done answering, he was next to me still then started asking where am i gonna sit. I said idk because the class was starting to be filled by students and there were not many empty seats. He then said lets just sit here and we ended up sitting together.
I was trying to create a space between us, i asked him dont you have anyone thats gonna sit next to you, like a friend you just met or something. Then he said, do i looked like i have a friend from this course? So i just answered him and said, 'i dont know, maybe you do'. Then after that we sat and he tried to make jokes and all. I responded only when he initiated any conversation, but never really asked him anything. I only asked him a question that's uni related. Then he asked if i can move my wrist around and all but i just said, 'i cant, it hurts when i try to move it'.
He then started to google on his laptop about how to reduce the pain and swelling of sprained wrist. He typed 'sprained wrist :(' on the search bar.
After googling, he gave me painkillers (idk why he has them). Throughout class, he was looking at me, stealing a few glances while i kept my head straight ahead. I realised before my lecture ends that i didnt know where my next class was and he saw that i was trying to locate the building. He then started showing me where to go and all. After class was done, we walked out and i was about to leave to my next class. He then said 'why are you going to your class so early? Besides you dont know where it is.' I just looked at him and kept quiet.
Then he asked me if i have eaten or not. I took about 5 seconds before answering an unconvincing 'yes'. Then he was like, 'im gonna grab some food since i havent eaten at all, do you want to come with me? That is if you dont mind,'. I hesitate again before saying, 'what am i gonna do there? Im not gonna eat either way. And i have class,'. He then said i can just sit with him and i dont have to eat.
I knew i was supposed to say no to that. And i knew that i shouldve just left. But stupid me was too happy that he asked me that and i eventually went with him to accompany him to eat. i know that i had to asked him some more questions about school work as well although i shouldve just say no to him and left but i couldnt.
After he got his food, he asked about the morning class that he missed. He asked if the lecturer said anything important. I just told him there's nothing much as it was all in the lecture slides. He told me he was late and he didnt know who else to ask since i never reply to him. Impulsively, i apologised and i told him that i need space away from all of the things that has been happening. And i told him that 'i did that too to everyone,' and idk why did i say that and i felt so goddamn stupid for that.
Then after a while asked me, 'hows life?'. And i didnt know what to answer. Then i answered with, 'its just like that', and to avoid him asking more, i asked him how about you, hows life, and he return my words; he also replied with, 'its just like that,'
To avoid him asking me about how i am doing since he asked me that 2 times already, i just asked him about his new place. he decided to move into a student accommodation before our break up as he thinks that he could experience the most of student life by being in one. i think that it could be one of his way to achieve that 'college life' that he always wonder about. He said his new place is good and all. He also said i can come and see it before he realised that i have seen it already before, whne we inspected the place before we broke up. But he said i can still come if i want to. Then after he finished eating, i started to leave for my class and surprisingly, he wanted to send me to my class. I told him that he doesnt have to but he said he didnt mind and he wants to.
Then i just looked down. Cause idk what im feeling. I was happy but i was sad as well. I miss him and was happy to see him talking to me but i also want some space so he can miss me more and wonder about me more. He looked at me and i could see him from my side that he was doing it. I told him to just look straight and not look at me. He then said if i cant then i wont look at you.
Then after a couple of moment, i was sighing and he heard it. He asked me whats wrong and i said to him without me realising that i was saying outloud that i just simply dont know how to face him. He then asked, 'why would you feel like that? Its not like you did something that makes you guilty towards me or anything that makes you dont know how to face me. I mean idk, you may slept with someone after we broke up but if you dont then you shouldnt feel that way,'. Then i boldly asked him, 'what if i did then?' He paused for a while before asking me to repeat myself. And i did. I asked him 'what if i did?' He then just replied with, 'well if that really happened then i guess i would just spend another night drinking another glass of vodka and sleep it off,'.
I shrugged it off, and say, 'sure,' sarcastically before he answered, 'i really did that, dont you know im a drunkard now?' We both fell silent before i joked it off and said, 'nah, those vodka may be there to serenade girls,' then he replied almost instantly saying that the only thing that he would serenade is his right hand.
Then we reached my class and i said to myself i didnt want to go to class anymore since it looked like another strom was coming and he heard it. He told me to just tell my tutor that im feeling unwell and skipped class. But i said no and i told him i should go. Then he asked me what time will i be going to our class tomorrow. I just said earlt cause i have things to do then he was 'like how early? Morning or noon?' I just said 'dont know maybe noon idk yet,'. He then just said 'oh okay, i was just wondering since our class is at 3 and it'll be too long of a break if you come too early to uni and all,'.
I just smiled and then he said that he will see me tomorrow and that he has been a good boy as he hasnt skipped class yet. I once again said 'sure' sarcastically since he just missed him class this morning before he smiled and said stop judging him and all. Then i bid him goodbye and he left to go home.
One thing i realised is that he still called me by the name that he use to call when we were still together.
Today, i met him on the bus on the way to uni and he once again asked me about my wrist. And i replied with 'its just like that,'. Then he asked which shirt was the one that i return and i answered that it was one of his long sleeved shirt. After that, i continued walking before he asked me some questions about my appointment with my lecturer and I replied with, 'no she cancelled it,' and then i kept quiet. Mainly, i kept quiet because i felt a little awkward since he is treating me nicely. but i cant tell if its because he thinks of me like a friend or because he genuinely still care for me like how he was when we were together back then. and i dont really like it because it makes me confused. I want him back and i dont want to be treated like a friend, he is being really nice and almost as caring as before but its confusing me a little.
As i reached class and before i enter the room, he was next to me and asked if it was the right classroom. I just said 'im not sure,' and opened the door before choosing a seat. He looked at me, looked around the room before going to an empty seat far from me and said 'bye,'. I just smiled and then thats all.
What should i do now? Does this mean that he is treating/only seeing me as a friend? Do i have any chance to ever get back with him again or should I just give up? Will continuing NC would give me better chance in getting him back?
please please please help me.
if you are wondering about the date, days or time i am referring in my post, I am in Australia so the time would be a little different from where you are.
It seems that he's showing you care and concern still, that is seemingly beyond what a friend would do. However, this is something you would know better than me since he's your ex and you know what he's like as a person. Continuing with NC may be good as it keeps a level of mystery which may keep him intrigued, but it may also end up backfiring in your case if he thinks you're being cold and decides to respect your decision and limit contact with you. Like I've mentioned, you would know best how he's like as a person, use that knowledge and make your decision on whether you think he's simply being friendly or may be showing something more.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for all the helpful advice on here. My ex broke up with me after a 3 year relationship about a month ago. I have followed all of your advice and didn't bother her after the breakup and told her I support her and want the best for her. 2 weeks after the breakup she came over and spent the night at my place and seemed surprised and confused by how nicely I had set it up. She pretty much told me she left because I had been weak and was leaning on her too hard. I reminded her that this breakup process was changing me into a much stronger person. Afterwards we continued no contact. I'm currently in the no contact/self improvement phase. My question to you is regarding how much time to spend here before I begin reaching out to her via text. I think more time, maybe another month is good because like you say it gives her time to have less negative feelings about me. I think the longer I wait the more likely the communication will seem sincere rather than just an effort to get back together. So overall I'm thinking 2 months after she initially broke up with me might be around the correct time to engage her again. Let me know what you think
That's great to hear. Yes you're right, you definitely want to give her time to let go of the negative emotions she may hold on to regarding the breakup/relationship, as well as allow her to see the changes you've made to yourself more clearly during re-contact. Depending on how ugly the breakup was and context of it, the time frame for NC would differ accordingly. Supposing it wasn't too messy considering that she spent the night 2 weeks after the break up, I think slightly over a month from when you started would be a better time frame.
hi , my gf and i spoke last of last Friday after 3 weeks and half not seeing each other and she wanted to talk and she was telling she loves me but she want us to break up bkoz she tried to fix things so many times and i never listen to her and she is tired and she thinks that we lost each other and i did tell her that i do not want to lose her and promised that i was going to change.
she said she was going to think again about her decision ... on valentine i had a gift for her that i bought since December and i paid for uber delivery to her work place and after she texted me saying that i did have to but thanks for the gift and when she got home she sent another text saying its beautiful and she loves it. and i tried to speak often and she said that we are not supposed to chat all the time because it doesn't help her or me so i stopped texting her since the 14 th of feb and she texted on sunday that she will let me know during this week when we will meet to talk but the tricky part is that my birthday is tomorrow and i am watching ...if she doesn't show up or meet me does it means its over or there is still hope?
i love her and ready to change not for her but to fix myself first and have a happily relationship with her.
You could use the point on whether she wishes you as a gauge on how she feels towards you, but I suggest not letting it get you down even if she doesn't. Simply focus on changing yourself in the meantime, since it's for you (first and foremost), and continue with no contact to give her the space she needs.
Hi.. I met up with my Ex after no contact, it went really well! I left it a couple of days before speaking to her again.. I can tell she was a little bit cold as her response time was a lot longer than usual and the reply was pretty weak. I responded but ended the convo, saying i was busy with work. Just wondering what you recommend I say next? I know in your email service you talk about giving her some space, should I follow that approach? any other tips would be much appreciated, thanks.
Yes, if she responds coldly, it could either mean that something reminded her of the past, and negative feelings towards you formed again, or that she's distracted with something else at that point. Either way, by pushing for replies, you would come across as needy or pushy, which may cause her to further raise her guard against you.
I don’t want to push for replies I just messaged her on Sunday night, mainly to ask if she had a good weekend but she didn’t respond till this morning. So I ended the convo straight away. I’ve seen these traits before. I know it’ll be an emotional past memory. Would you recommend that I message her calmly saying I’m going to give her space or just leave her alone for a bit? I feel if I don’t address the issue it’ll lead towards the friend zone path, and I don’t want that to happen.
Yes you could send her that. At least if it isn't the case, she would reply you saying that she doesn't need the 'space or be left alone'.
My girlfriend and I were together for 3 months, and the relationship was great. We had a very deep connection with each other. We had to break up because of some personal issues she was having. The personal issues caused her to become completely void of all emotions.
We tried to be friends right after the breakup, but it was too much for both of us. Mostly due to us not giving each other a little bit of space after the breakup. We decided to go our separate ways, so she can work on getting herself better.
I would like for us to get back together eventually, but first I want us to start talking again. I’m struggling with how long to do the no contact thing. I don’t want her to think I’m being needy, or that I have any ulterior motives.
The best would be to apply no contact for at least 30 days. You can refer to this article for more details regarding No Contact.
Hi Kevin.my exbf and i had a long distance cross culture relationship.we met in India when we both traveled there.then we went back to our countries,becoming gf and bf.we met in the third country or my country every two months averagely.most time he crossed 9000kms to see me.but we quarreled a lot .after being together For one and half year,he broke up with me.he started seeing another girl only 3days after.i know he still loved me,he just doesnt know what to do as i hurt him a lot when we were together.would you please tell me how to implement this plan especially step 3 and 4,as we Are so far away from each other now? Thank you very much.Best regards. Jin
You can implement step 3 through the use of social media, by posting pictures of the changes you've made to yourself. Step 4 can be implemented by simply dropping him a message or email after NC is done.
hi kevin.After he broke up with me.he started to talk to a lot girls,one of the girl invited him to meet her in Portual.so he went to meet her.he told me he just want to sleep with someone,as i am the only person he has slept with,and i didnt fulfill his sexual fantasy when we were together.but we do have a lot othrr problems that i hurt him a lot.Today is the fifth day he has been there.when he was there i called him .we had few conversation,sometimes very good,sometimes end badly,but he said he loved me,he missed me,as the girl he is meeting is quite conservative and i showed some changes about sex problems to him.he was quite satisfied ,complaining about i should do this one year ago.i also said i gonna say yes to everything if he comes back,he said it was tempting.but he just got hurt too badly and doesnt believe me that i gonna change permanently.i read ur article on the third day,then i stopped contacting him since then.in the last two days,he didnt contact me,so i know nothing about what was going on.i know i need to stay calm.He is going back to his country tomorrow, in this case,should i shorten NC?He gonna have a holiday at the end of march,i am afraid if they goes well,he might go to her country to meet her,he might book the tickets already.is there anything else i could do about him in this case? thank you very much! Jin
As you've said, keep calm. I understand your fears but right now because you've broken up, there's nothing you can do about his actions and intentions, and you should focus on not letting it get to you, because it may ruin your chances if you do. You could shorten NC by a bit, to ask him where he's headed to, but you should not try to pressure him against going (especially if it's to where the girl lives), or he might get frustrated and ignore you instead.
Hi, what does it mean if your ex visits your page on badoo (date app) and unblocks you on facebook? we broke up 2 weeks ago, he visited my page on badoo 2 days after break up, and for maybe 3 days ago he unblocked me on facebook, but is still blocking me on instagram and snapchat!
Wer'e both 22 years old, we broke up because we had to, and i think this is just good for us because we (more from his side) broke up with eachother quite often these last months, but we got back to eachother every time since 'i like you more than anyone else, that's why i keep coming back' we had some issues with understanding eachother while fighting, but now when we broke up i can see both my part and his part of it all, and i'm working on myself right now. Our love was something i've never experienced before, and he said the same week we broke up, that he really believes that i'm 'the one' for him, in the relationship and even after, he told me he never felt this way before for anyone else, and he believes we got a chance later on if we let it all go and blablabla. We've been back and forth for almost 2 years and last year we broke up with each other from february- july.
What do you guys think? i'm so insecure right now, all i want is being with him but i know for boths best we can't right now.
He may have unblocked you because there was something he wanted to see you on your Facebook profile, hence. As to the relationship itself, since the breakup was relatively recent, I suggest giving it more time before you initiate contact with him again. In the meantime, focus on solving those issues you mentioned seeing after the breakup to better yourself.
Hi Ryan, he blocked me on facebook again.. what do you think that means? yes i will wait atleast 1 month until taking any contact with him, i'm fully working on being the best version of myself right now, both with gym and taking good pics haha.. yes i'm working on my issues, it's hard, but hey! i want to fix them. Do you think we have a chance later on?
The fact that he blocked you again could simply mean that he still isn't ready to let go of the negative emotions and probably requires more time. There's definitely a chance as long as you make changes, but it also depends on when he may be ready again to face you. Keep distracted for now by focusing on yourself, and give it more time.
Hi Ryan, it’s soon a month ago we broke up, and the last couple of month he broke up with me many times, due to the fights we had, and things i gave a promise about to change in fights (which i told him to i would change after every time he broke up with me but never did) so this time he broke up with me, he was very tired of repeated situations, should i really write to him next week? don’t you think maybe he needs more time? Or should i wait until he takes any signs of contact to me? :/
As mentioned, you should try to give him more time since he has not unblocked you anywhere else yet. Since he was upset that you promised to change each time during the fights but never got around to it, perhaps it's something you should look at in the meantime.
Hi again, he actually wrote to me on Facebook 2hrs after my comment here, and added me on Snapchat, he snapchatted me without a response from me! He sent me a picture on Facebook and Said it still hurts looking at that, and just asked me how i feel and so on, i played it cool and answered him like a friend! I know i shouldn’t write back to him, but he’s really sensitive so i thought why not.. but what should i do now? i was the one who put an end to the conversation!
It's fine, since by not replying you may cause him to react in a negative manner. Continue with NC in the meantime, and if he does not contact you further, wait until the end of NC to initiate contact once again.
We were always in a distance relationship but not to far and in the same time zone so we could see each other often. Last December I decided to go abroad so I broke up with him. He didn’t want to break up and in the end we didn’t have a conclusion. He was sad when I left and we still kept in touch after I left. Then I complained a bit why he didn’t message me for a few days and we kinda had a fight. But he said he will be happy to message me often if that makes me happy and said I will be always in his heart. For some reason I came back after only 2 weeks and I wanted to meet him. He also said he hoped that he can see me even though he has been busy. I felt that he has been distant and I was so insecure. So I said I felt it’s gone between us. He said we kinda have to let it die because distance relationship like that is hard to sustain. We stopped talking for a week and then I contacted him again. He suddenly wanted to break up with me. I didn’t want to break up and asked him to meet me. He thought of meeting me again but didn’t reply my message..... So I sent him long text about not writing us off and we will be happy seeing each other.... He said he had kinda already set his mind on my leaving and asked me not to think about us and try to be happy. And then He stopped replying 2 weeks ago... We were always happy when we were together. I don’t know why he suddenly has changed a lot. Can I still get him back? Has he already moved on? I just think that we were always so happy together and we didn’t have any major problems. But he said he always wants to run away when relationship gets complicated.. Is there any chance that we can get back?
Sometimes the distance doesn't actually make the heart grow fonder like everyone thinks, but rather the opposite and causes a person to feel more distant or even lose feelings. Some people need physical contact to maintain their feelings towards one another, and your ex may have been the case, which resulted in him making his mind about leaving. You would best know if he still has any feelings for you or not, based on how the relationship was in the past before things went bad. It could also be the possibility that because of the distance, he's running away from the relationship now because it feels too complicated. I would suggest sending one more message to ask what made him decide to walk away, and from there you can decide if you still want to try and win him back, or to be fair to yourself and walk away.
Hey Kevin.
So my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago and his reason was that he’s a workaholic. And due to work he can’t give me time. (Even though I’m understanding) but he was like what if down the line if it irritates you that I’m not able to give time and stuff. He’s basically over thinking a lot. I tried to explain him but nothing worked. So anyway I decided to do the no contact thing but the thing is that he works at the same gym that I go to. So he did try to talk to me but then I told him that I don’t want to talk to him at all. When I broke up I did blast on him saying that how you give up and blah blah. But anyway I need your help now. He really wants to be a friend and act all normal but I’m ignoring him. Tell me what to do? And I know for a fact that he still is madly in love with me
Perhaps you have to understand his reason for wanting to end things, and what triggered him to overthink to such an extent. If you don't feel ready to be friends yet, I would suggest applying No Contact first in the mean time to give yourself some space to work on yourself, before trying again down the road.
I broke up with my gf 4 month ago on some misunderstanding .i text her again and again to tell her that was not me that's was my first mistake.I saw her daily in uni with her friends daily and can't control my emotion and feelings because now we don't even look each other she ignore me all time.Her friends dislike me i don't know why but they did all to saying her aly is not good blah blah blah........i try to close them but that's does't work.3 days ago ask her to talk but she said i don't want to talk u and went.i want to get her back.4 months already wasted by me what should i do know?i do noting on valentine's day.Her birthday is on 21 feb should i wished her r not?
I read your's article.I don't know where to start?
It depends on how long the relationship was, and whether it was a meaningful one. If it's been 4 months and she still is treating you negatively, you'll either need to give her more space to let go of her negative feelings towards you or consider walking away because it may not be worth it to hold on since you don't know when she will forgive you.
Thanks
she has a boy (friend) or love her don't know but seem to be happy with her.i still in love with her.Time which spend with me now she spend with him.I saw both of them daily in university and can't control my feelings memories i want t move on but can't....what should i do???
Hi, so me and my boyfriend broke up 2 days back after dating for 1 year and 3 months. The reason for break up was he was stressed about his life (work and everything) and he moved to Australia where he is all by himself. Sometimes i was very needy and needed his attention while he was busy with so much stuff. I hope you understand what am trying to say. So, then he wanted to break up because i was causing so much stress and we would argue over those stuff. And he said 'that we don't suit each other so we should move on with our lives and even if we try to change we cant' but, we didn't care about those before he moved to AUS because we learnt to adjust to the way each other is and we were fine regardless of the little fights we had. I was needy and begged him to come back to me like you mentioned on your post and he refused. We honestly had a strong deep emotional connection and he loved me so much thats why i'm willing to get back with him if he gives me a second chance. I want to start fresh. Any advice on what i should do? Please
You should give him some space for now to avoid creating further negative emotions from forming. He thinks you're incapable of change now, and probably would not believe you even if you promised to change if he were to give things a second chance. Your best bet is to actually make those changes need first, then contact him again as an improved person in his eyes.
My girlfriend break up with me before two weeks, i spent first 5 days crying and bigging then found your website and now i am applying no contact rule and every single tips you said .. after 5 days of NO CONTACT RULE and till this moment about 10 days she keeps calling me and i do not replay
What should i do ?
I am asking you because this situation is different, he old boyfriend was always trying to contact her trying her to come back and i was always make problems with her cuz she replaies and write to him now my fears is that she could back to him permanently if i did not answer her calls ? What do you think please
Help .. let me you know that i am 25 and we have been together for about 1 year and she is my first girlfriend ever .. so losing her was so much painful
Thank you
If you're genuinely worried about her getting back together with her ex, then you could reply to her message or call but keep things short and to the point. You can even let her know that you're working on improving yourself now and try not to let things go back to square one or your efforts would be wasted.
Hi,my situation is kind of very complicated, my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years, at the beginning of last year, he started acting very difrently i didn't understand why, i tried to ask him and he said he was just tired of relationships, i told him that we should break up then but he refused and said he dint want me going far away from him, to cut the long story short, he wasn't talking to me then i started seeing him with this certain lady oftenly,when i cpnfronted him, he told me she's her friend. He started posting pictures of he and her everywhere and he still insisted that she is his friend , we still met up like usual but we were not talking much, recently,i find out that the supposedly "friend" of his is actually his girlfriend, they live together and even worse, she is expecting his child, so i confronted him about it and it is all true though he dint want to admit it, so we like broke up though he still dint want it and is still insisting i be his friend. i just don't know what to do i feel so hurt because i still love him but i just dont know if he'l ever be with me again. pliz help.. Thanks
If that person is his girlfriend and is expecting his child, I'm sorry to say but there isn't much you can do at this point but walk away before things get too ugly. In this scenario, even though he lied to you, you'll still be seen as the bad person if you try to do anything to win him back.
I recently got back with my ex and I've done a few of your steps but not in the right order. I just read your article and I feel I might have made a huge mistake. My ex and I broke up and he did try and move on and I was just starting to accept the break up and move on myself. Here is where the tricky part comes in. My ex and his rebound had sex and he still wanted to remain her friend even tho they dated for a week. He left her because he saw me in his ex. All good things. I had talked to him for about a week and went to spend the weekend with him to see how it went and we decided to get back together. Now I messaged his rebound because he was always hanging out with her but only as friends... And I tried to make things civil with her and tell her how I felt which I don't hate her I just was jealous that she lived near him and I lived two hours away. Now me and her worked everything out and are ok but he is mad and has threatened that I haven't change. She is a good friend and my intentions were only to keep her in his life without it effecting me or making me jealous. Did I make a terrible mistake? Have I lost him forever? He hasn't broken up with me but he asked me to leave him alone and I have given him his space. He had many qualities about him I adore and goals that I feel make him a great person to be with. If we do break up I know I'll be hurt but I won't be devastated as bad as before. I feel like that feeling is wrong and I'm not sure how to cope with that. Does that mean I'm not attracted to him? I know my life will go on without him but he is still bringing up the past and I'm ready to move on. He said I was different when we were together and I could tell he still loves me more now than back then and I've accepted my faults of the past relationship... No matter what I do he still believes I'm the same. Is there a way to show I'm different or will he have to realize that on his own?
Although you had the best intentions, your approach of contacting that ex of his probably came across as a breach of his personal space and offended him. I don't think you've lost him forever (as long as that ex does not have ill intentions and makes matters worse), and you'll have to apologize and acknowledge that you overstepped your boundaries but explain to him that you meant no harm and just wanted what was best for him.
With the ex staying in his life.... Should I allow that if they were friends before and she was only his rebound? He has hung out with her every night since we got back together and his family and friends all know I'm his girlfriend but I don't think they should be hanging out every day all night and him not text me much while they are together. I don't know how to tell him how I feel without making it seem like I'm controlling him. Them being friends is ok in my life but you broke up with your rebound because you wanted me... We fix things and get back together but he talks to her more than he does me and I'm the girlfriend... I trust him around other women but I feel like it's too soon after the breakup to be spending every night hanging out with your rebound... What can I say to help him see how I feel without seeming controlling or am I just being overly complicated about the friendship?
Hey gurlie but the rebound gurl is not just his friend but it’s an ex. Once you cross that line then i be careful about the whole thing to be honest. If you say to much your come off controling and pushy about it. If you talk to the gurl you come off like a sycho lol. I would just have my own life out side of the relationship and look like the better option. If he going to hang out with her all the time, I would get some guy friends and start hanging out with them. Go out with your gurlies dancing on the weekends. Keep goals like school or your job proiorty and act like you have sometime for him but he’s not going to be what makes you happy. He would just add happiness to your already incredible life. Also work out and look good gurlie 😊. This should show him that your a strong 💪 independ person who has a lot to offer. Shine gurlie live the best life for yourself.
You should be honest with how you feel in this case. If he did break up with the rebound to work things out with you, it's a little unreasonable to be meeting her every night still, and to not assure you or reply whenever he is with her. That kind of defeats the purpose of reconciliation with you, and seems highly suspicious.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I technically broke up last August (I broke up with him because I was starting grad school and couldn't handle our constant fighting and not feeling valued, little did I know a lot of his behavior stemmed from his depression and not lack of love) He and I started talking again last October and he was really into it, even dropped a hint that he still loved me. We both had expectations of a relationship but I was really afraid of repeating past mistakes and anytime we got close to being anything serious again, I pushed him away. Anytime that happened, I would freak out because he would put up a wall. I just continued to confuse him through my actions but my feelings (and his) were genuine. I realized that I needed to be honest with him only too late. I had pushed him away too much and he couldn't handle the back and forth. He stopped talking to me, blocked my number even, for a month. I begged him to reach out, told him I loved him and wanted to either fix it or let it go but he couldn't just ghost me the way he had. At the end of it all, he gave me back my things last week but even admitted to me that we both messed up and that it was never lack of love, but lack of communication. He cried and said he would miss me (and had for the month we hadn't spoken) but was resolute in his decision. He said there was a difference between loving someone and caring for them but wanting to remove himself from the cycle. He said he would unblock me and that we could maybe hang out sometime and maybe be friends one day.
Today is his birthday. Should I still wish him a happy birthday? I still want him back so badly. We planned a future together. He thought that I wanted to mess around while he wanted to settle down and that's why it wasn't working but I only gave off that impression because I was afraid. I genuinely love him and believe we have a beautiful connection. I also just went through the box of things he gave me back and realized he still has some of my items. What should I do?
thanks!
If he is currently going through a mixture of emotions and has many negative thoughts, you might want to consider no contact as it might be better to give him some space to let go of them before you think of trying anything again. Since it is his birthday, you could always drop him a casual message to wish him, but try not to continue on with it too much after because it still seems too soon.
Thank you for your response Ryan, I really appreciate it! What are your thoughts on his still having some of my items? It could be a mistake, he probably doesn't realize it but part of me wonders why hold on to my things for the month he wasn't speaking to me? Why not just end it? (When I asked him he said he didn't know) He must have put all of my belongings in the same place and if that's the case why not give it all to me? I know he's very busy right now with work and projects he's working on which could go to his not giving me those items as a mistake. Do you still think there's a chance for us here? Do you think there's still love there? He said he still cares (even though he made the comment I said in my earlier post about the difference between love and caring but wanting to remove himself from the cycle). He and I were involved for what would be three years in March (that's including two breaks: one for 2 months because he was in therapy but we were still in constant contact and acting like a couple and the other from when we broke up in August of last year).
Thank you again for your input! Your advice is most appreciated!
Also: I'm not sure if this helps, but during the conversation when he gave me back my things, we had two moments where it was like we were ourselves again. He was smiling, even let a laugh escape his lips at something I did. I saw the person I fell in love with even if only for a moment and then he went right back to his decision of it not working "right now". Is that any indication of something? Or just wishful thinking? Thanks again!
Hi! My boyfriend for 4.5 years (whom I lived for 3 of them) suddenly broke up with me 5 weeks ago. In december we bid on a house together, and we spent christmas together with his family, and everything seemed fine. He was depressed this autumn, and he seemed to be getting worse again. This time around he blamed it on our relationship, and that it didn't feel the same anymore. He hadn't given me any reason to believe this, as he was as affectionat as always just days before. Now he wants to sell our apartment. We have only had contact a few times regarding that for 4 weeks, but tomorrow we are meeting up there to discuss the sale. I did not want this to happen, and I did NOT see it coming. He seems sad about the breakup, but I'm not shure if he would come back to me right now. I hope with all my heart that he will. I love him, and want it to be us forever. We have planned our life together openly for years, and I really, truly believe that we would have been good together.
You might want to try and figure him out, and whether there was an underlying reason for the break up and if it's something that can be fixed. Purely based on what you're saying, one possible reason for the break up was because things were progressing so seriously (the house), it started to scare/stress him so much so that he got cold feet and broke up with you. There may be other possible reasons, in which you may be best suited to figure out.
Thanks for the answer. He is not scared of the serious stuff. We have already owned an apartment for almost 3 years. I think I may have been a bit negative lately, and pushed him a bit because of his depression. We have worked so well for so long, so this is so unexpected. He didn't seem as if he himself understood what was happening, only that it didn't feel the same anymore...
In that case, it might be better to spend some time to work on your negativity, and find out how to deal with it. If his depression is very serious, you might also want to advice him to seek professional help to assist him with coping.
I have given him the number of some professionals. I don't know if he'll go... I am trying to be as positive as possible when in contact. Meeting him tonight. I have thought a lot about what I can do to be a better person around him too. I hope he will be wanting me back in time... I know we will work if we get the chanche to work on it together.
There's definitely a chance still, but provided he decides to help himself and let you back into his life. Continue to be strong for yourself, and to be as positive as you can. However, keep in mind that this is NOT your responsibility at the end of the day, and if things become too draining, there is no obligation to drag on and continue trying to exhaust yourself further.
I am all about getting back together but in this case I would really think about moving on... if it were me because what if you guys did get back together and he does this again to you. I just think 🤔 going through something like this has to be horrible and I wouldn’t dewl I just get someone more stable gurlie. Sorry 😐 that your going through this at the moment.
Hi Ryan,
My boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We have only dated for 6 months but hung out for a year or so before we start to date. It was not a smooth sail to begin with. We are very compatible when we were just friends. However, ever since we started dating, we always get into these small frustrations with each other. We never had any heated arguments but we would always talk about problems, logically. Towards the end, he was really stressed from work and his family and he wanted to go on a break after I threw a tantrum. After a week, he asked to meet up and broke up with me. I didn't contact him for awhile but lately we started to talking again but I can feel that he distanced himself. I want to give it a second try because I feel that either of us was trying hard enough. However, my friends are telling me to just move on, he is not the right guy for me. I am not sure what to do, any advice?
Whether he is the right one for you is something only you can decide for yourself. But you have to be aware that relationships are very different from friendships especially when it comes to expectations and patience. If you want to win your ex back, you'll have to work on that aspect about yourself first, and give him some time to deal with the negative emotions from the break up before considering anything.
I'm 50. I feel I need a serious support from you. We're having a wonderful relationship my girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex whenever possible. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got her family with kids. But due to some doubts on me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back to normal life. She is working in my company. I brought her to my company only after we started of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully. We are able to spend a lot of time together.
First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to make her sad, for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That became so serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. But so suspicious on every relationship even with my relatives. It happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get her back but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. She is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.
I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. In last December 17 one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, I managed to get her back as my employee in my company, on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. She is not happy if i care her more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.
But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.
She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting everyday at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.
I did a lot of mistakes before coming to your site like begging, pleading, apologizing, promising on future and bad things possible as you pointed out. Now i started the no contact as you suggested. But that can be limited as we are are meeting everyday in office and a lot of official communications. Please reply. Is your EBP advanced will work on this scenario? please reply on how to proceed.
Should I be posting on social media during no contact
Yes you should. No contact with your ex doesn't mean no contact with the outside world.
So my girlfriend broke up with me on Christmas night. Things had been building for awhile. We were together 5
And a half yrs. It wasn't a pretty breakup. She recently asked me to stop contacting her because just a couple days before I had asked her if she was seeing someone new and she said "yes..im seeing someone but not while we were together. I was always 100 percent faithful to you. Hope this helps you move on." Prior to this I had over emailed her, texted and called twice
. It's been about a month and two weeks since the breakup and guessing it's a rebound. Two days later I sent her a long email telling her how I feel about her and she sent me an email saying"please stop contacting me. You promised you wouldn't text or email me me if I said I was seeing someone else. You haven't kept your promise at all. Please keep your word (and dignity) and let me go." I sent her a text the next day..."You are right. I give you my word to not contact you again, I promise. I've been wrong and am sorry."
She had told me prior to all this the last day I saw her when I was getting my stuff from the house that she feels like she is "losing me " and said "I don't like the thought of you being with someone else either." Reciprocated from what I told her but that "we just can't allow ourselves to dwell on it". So I'm in that last text I sent her I have officially promised not to contact her again so I will have to do the no contact permanently I'm guessing? I think it will only make her angry if I do. The breakup involved some shouting and I know it was caused from drinking which I've given up since. Her dad was an alcoholic. None of that would have happened had I not made a sarcastic comment after my friend went home and had I not lost control the way I did, i probably could've made up with her after she told me she was breaking up with me had I'd kissed her and apologized instead of throwing things in the kitchen and grabbing a kitchen knife and locking myself in the bathroom, in which case she called the cops and the rest is complicated. She took my door key and her dad came over when I got out of the hospital and told me she was upset and didn't want to see me right now. I went my dad's and later I had to meet up with her to have my name removed from the lease. She insisted we move on. I know she loved me and we had a valuable relationship but we had a lot of arguments that were caused from the drinking something she even mentioned later was one of the main reasons we had so many problems. So now I'm left with my promise to her of not contacting her again. Short of not contacting her, she doesn't use Facebook ever so there's nothing more I can do exceptif she makescontact with me at some point. Your thoughts?
Follow through with no contact, pick yourself up from the break up, and work on your anger and alcohol issues to create a better version of yourself. Since she is dating someone else, there isn't much you can do but to give her space and ensure that you are in a better place if the opportunity should ever present itself in the future.
Hi EBP team! I really appreciate your effort.
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she got tired of our (not so frequent) ups and downs. She was hurting bad afterwards and even admitted to missing me a lot but remained adamant to her decision, kept herself distracted and now she's getting better by the day. I sticked to no contact for a month (which helped me a great deal) and yesterday I sent her a memory text. She replied positively and we chatted about random stuff for a bit before I ended the conversation. I know her enough to know that she hasn't changed her mind and it's normal for her to be friendly since we had a civilized breakup. How slow should I take this? Should I wait a couple days and message her again or should I ask her out for a coffee and just be friendly and cool? Right now I feel there's a chance and I don't want to ruin it by acting too fast or waiting too long.
Observe how the exchange in texts go, and don't jump the gun on asking her out for coffee because it may raise her defenses if it comes across as forced.
I broke up with my long distance Boyfriend yesterday.i am feeling so hurt and i can die without him.Our relationship had so many ups and downs but we rejoin and relove so many times within 1 yr of RS.Now he blocked me my number and on every social medias that i can't chat him. When i talk to him with my friend's acc, he said he will block my fri also. I beg him and cry so many times towards him. What should i do?? i really love him and cant live without him. And i also know he really loved me and still loves me though he said he dont love me now.In this article, duration of no contact is abt 4 weeks but he will come back in 2 wks to our country because of his school off. he will stay for 3 days and after that he will come back next 2 mths. What should i do. Can i do no contact for just 2 wks? Because i want to apologize for my serious mistakes when he is in town.
It depends on why he broke up with you in the first place. If he is arriving in 2 weeks, then you could always reduce no contact for now, as long as you think it's enough time for him to let go of any negative emotions or feelings he holds towards you.
Hello,
I'm sure you get hundreds of these so I'll try to be brief. I'm considering the EBP program. We've been apart for roughly two years [She tried to stay with me, but I could not let go of our previous past (she broke up with me in the first go and later slept with one of my good friends)]. It was supposed to be our fresh start but I muddied it up because of my inability to get over it. I lied to her when telling her I was. Another note, I did become intimate with another when we were in a huge fight, seemingly at the end of our rope. We decided I would move out and we would take it from there, but I selfishly took it as a "break-up" (Such a cop out, I know). Since then, I went through:
- depression (antidepressants and anxiety meds)
- suicide attempt (Unrelated to the relationship but important to disclose post relationship mindest)
- A somewhat serious relationship in which the person loves me and I treat them more as a friend than a partner/best friend.(we are LDR and I am waiting to break up with them in person).
- much growing and learning, haven't we all.
It has been 9 months since my suicide attempt and feel I have become healthy both of mind and body. I feel the past were my emotional growing pains, and was my transition into adulthood.
My question is, how do I attempt to contact her, if at all, after all this time? Last I heard, she wants NOTHING to do with me and out of respect for her wishes, I haven't contacted her since. I've heard she's moved on but that was a year ago and I have remained blocked on her social media so I'm not sure what her status is. I have no wish to disrupt her life/balance, but if she is single, I very much would like to make a go at maximizing the happiness of both our long-term futures. She was not my first love, but by far my most cherished.
So much for being brief.
S
Hey there,
Firstly, good job on dealing with all those issues you mentioned and still making it out positively. Since it has been a long time, you could consider checking up on how she's doing from a mutual friend if possible. If not, you could consider dropping her a casual text message, or even a letter - if you know where she lives. Acknowledge your faults in the relationship and apologize for them, in the hopes that one day you guys can still be friends. Never start off with your intention and patience level geared towards wanting her back, but simply as a long-time friend showing concern/checking in on her and how she's doing. The most important thing you have to find out is where she stands regarding her views towards you, and if she still harbors any ill feelings.
I've just checked this page and signed up to get the daily email. Love the content so far...
I guess you get a lot of emails from people who think "their situation" is a little bit different than anybody else's. I'm one of them who believes even though your teachings offer insightful value, things may not apply to my relationship with Sarah.
Or maybe they do.
I really don't know if I want to buy your course or maybe hire you as my coach, I'm just desperate to get my baby back.
I broke up with Sarah two years ago already. Yes, it's been a while. During this time we've tried to come back many times but I screwed up many of those times stepping back time after time again.
In December 2016 I decided to take a permanent break. I couldnt deal with it anymore. So we barely spoke for 4 months. There were a few text messages back and forth during that time, but thats it.
In April 2017 I called her. I had missed her so much the previous 4 months I couldn't live without here. We saw each other for 3 hours and told her I wanted to get her back. Unfortunately, she "wasn't ready" and didn't want to get hurt again. During last summer, we talked and saw each other a few times, but she's still full of resentment. She's not forgiven and everytime we see each other, she always tells me that " I dumped her"...
In November last year I sent her a heart-felt letter. She liked it and we started to talking again. We even saw each other a few times, actually 5-6 times since December and even kissed. Everything was more or less going in the right direction until two weeks ago...
We had a fight over the phone cause she wanted to see some of her friends instead of me and I told her I was second best, as always. She really got angry and me and things really escalated from there. She was hurt again and told me that I was selfish and that I wanted to do things my way not respecting her wishes....
She says that I always FORCE things instead of letting things happen organically...
I guess she's right. I just wanted to know if we are doing this makes sense as I don't want to wait another 8 months until she knows what she wants...
I just wish I had read this guide before...I made all the mistakes...
Anyway, last week I kept calling, I was desperate, needy..I told her if she wanted to break it up for good, she should tell me. But she still says "i don't know what I want". S
Anyway, we had a bad fight last week, she said she needed some "space and time" to think. It's been almost a week.
I'm really desperate as she's not called ever since - I haven't contacted either.
What really gets me is, if she's so angry, resented and upset with me, why doesnt she break it off completely once and for all? I asked her that question and she said "because it's so damn hard.."
Anyway, things were going well until two weeks ago and then I blew it. I think I lost my last shot with her. I'm just afraid next time she calls me it will be to tell me we are done.
She knows "im waiting". I told her I was going to wait...so Im waiting...
Do you think my situation is completely different? is there any hope?
Thank you and looking forward your reply.
For starters, she feels confused because she does still have feelings for you, but is afraid of the past incidents repeating itself, which has caused her to raise her guard with you. That recent incident where you got upset with her was one of those fears she had that probably came true. If you really want to get back together with her, ironically as it sounds, you're shift your mindset and remind yourself that you're not with her yet. As of now, you're simply a friend working your way up to something more and getting her to like you again. Never project your past expectations (when still in a relationship) onto her, and since you should have improved several aspects of your life since the break up, use this opportunity to 'show' it to her, instead of pressuring her to re-start the relationship. The bottom line of things is that you should treat her as though you were chasing someone for the very first time, with no expectations and to be patient.
Hey me and my ex(18) I’m 20 just broke up 2 weeks ago. The relationship was well I actually thought we had something she would tell me a lot of secrets that she’s never told anyone not even her best friends of closets relatives and I would do that same. Then one day she tells me things don’t feel the same and that we should break up so we do we weren’t together for 2 days then we ran into each other at a party she later came over and we kind of talked things out she’s had a hard time being it her first yr college and has made a lot of mistakes.Fast forward a couple weeks and the same situation pops up this time we take a “break” but she was always popping up at my room and asking am I was. I knew things weren’t feeling right later one week I hear some bad news in my life and she comes over to check on me and see how I’m feeling I really loved that Ik she really cared. Until it came to the weekend she again popped up at my dorm and we hung out for a 1 hour or so and she started getting really comfortable I told her “ you know you shouldn’t be doing this” she said “ I know but I miss spending time with you”. At this moment my heart was racing because throughout this entire “break I’ve been trying to get us back together and nothing was trying so I tried to plan something later that day I text her and ask if she can come over she replies “ no we’re not talking no more I shouldn’t have come over it was a mistake” I asked why she came over she said “ I don’t know”. I was broken at this point so I went to confront her(which wasn’t a good idea) later that day and she’s still keeps telling me we’re not talking so I disappointly left and she eventually came over later and told me everything. Turns out we’re very much in common and are going through similar situations in our lives she again tells me a lot of very very personal stuff that is also going on and making her stressed and worried. I asked if she actually liked me she said I don’t know right now I think I liked the attention more and I was devastated and confused. She also told me some other personal things and reasons to why she’s having a hard time staying committed to us. It has been 3 days and I want to get her back we haven’t spoken since that day and she also blocked me on her Snapchat and hasn’t blocked me since but hasn’t blocked my number. Please help me
Don't pressure her into anything right now. Give both parties some space and time to deal with your own issues and for her to let go of the negative emotions tied to your confrontation with her. You could consider applying no contact for the time being to focus on yourself.
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago. We dated for 4 months and we’re both 22. I haven't reached out to her yet but, want nothing more to because there are so many questions that I have about what happened. We had a strong connection, I never blew up her phone, i would wait for her to text back before i sent another message. She would say I'm the best thing that's happened to her in a very long time, and that she is so lucky to have me in her life, and that she wants me in her life for a long time. I never mentioned making plans far in advance for later down the road, but she brought up me spending Christmas with her and her family next year, and spending new year’s together next year, and I told her that would be awesome and would love to. We only officially dated for a month before she went back home for 5 weeks.
The Monday before the Saturday she broke up with me she started school and I noticed that she didn't say her usual goodnight. she usually says night babe with some hearts but that Monday I just got a night. I saw her for the first time since she left for a little bit that Wednesday and things seemed great. She was happy to see me, and we talked about getting a cabin for valentine’s day, and she seemed like she really wanted to get one. I saw her that Saturday morning before her job interview and she seemed fine. while I was hanging out with a friend and she was at her job interview I got a text out of nowhere saying that she needed space and time to think things over. That she has so many things going on right now and that she isn’t thinking straight because of her hormones, stress, and lack of sleep. I went over and talked to her that night and she said that I was a great boyfriend, an amazing guy and hadn't done anything wrong. She said that she needs to focus on graduating and had so much on her plate that she couldn't give me the time that she thinks I deserve. That she isn't sure she feels the same way about me that I feel about her, and that I stress her out. She said she isn't just going to disappear and never hear from her again and that she still wants me in her life. That she’s there if I want to talk.
When we started dating she planned on staying in town for a little while after graduation and when she came back from home she said that she was moving back home at the end of this summer. I told her when she said that, that I care so much for her and if that was the case that I would move near her to be close to her. This girl was everything I have looked for in a girl. She seemed that she loved me by the things she said, and I'm just so confused what to do because it really came out of nowhere, and I love this girl.
It could be that she's going through a really stressful period, and just needs time to figure out what she wants, as well as clear her priorities. I suggest giving her time to deal with what she needs to, and allow yourself some space to distance yourself emotionally from this. You could arrange to meet her again at a later date, when things are a little more settled.
Hey. It's been two years since my breakup. My ex is a great person and ever since I've been unable to connect with any other person the way I connected with him. I unintentionally start looking for him in every other person I meet. I dated this guy from university, one year after breakup, and it didn't work out. We kinda broke up after two months. I dont feel a thing about this university guy anyway. So, coming back to the ex, a few days ago I added my ex on Snapchat and have been uploading pretty pictures ever since. He views my stories but doesn't make a comment or something. I sound as happy and cheerful in my snaps as I can. I dont know for sure but chances are that he might have gotten engaged under familial pressure. In the two years period, my ex tried to contact me twice which I didn't respond to. And now that I have added him on Snapchat, I cant get him off my mind. I keep on tracking his location on SnapMap. And now I'm thinking about sending him a direct message. Please tell me if it's a good idea to drop a message for him ?
You should find out if he's officially engaged already or not. If he isn't then you could drop him a direct message to break ice since it's been a long time. However, if he's already engaged then it's best that you try to let go of him and move on since contacting him might bring about misunderstandings.
And any leads on how can I find out his relationship status?
I totally think sending him a message is a great idea but don’t get your hopes up because if he is engagged it could make things complicated.
Hi Kevin,
I love getting your emails daily by the way! Good information!
I'm so confused as to what is happening and I would love to hear what you think!
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago due to him not knowing what he wants in life and relationship. He is almost 30 and I guess he is having a kind of "mid life crisis". He just got out of a very stressful work period that lasted for months. During this time, I noticed he was getting less and less affectionate towards me. He is naturally a VERY romantic man and he used to shower me with little love gestures and words. So I first brought it up to him back in September and he had the same concern. We did not break up. He did not want to lose me so we said we would try and give each other space...which we didn't really. We lived together and we were too dependent on each other...at least I was.
I talked to him again in 3 weeks ago about this because I have been feeling something was off for months! At first we went on a "break" but that only lasted for two weeks. I broke up with him after that because I couldn't deal with pain of waiting around. Don't know where it came from but we spent that night together and had very passionate sex....but now here we are. I moved to a new place now but we would take turns to go to friends' to stay for the first two weeks. After the first week, we saw each other. He woke up from a dream one night and he held me and said he had a bad dream that he lost me. We went on two "dates" and we had a good time...he was romantic towards me and we had the most passionate sex both times. He was being his romantic self like how he always was. So I'm confused.... Yesterday I broke it off with him because I might hurt myself even more if we keep going with the ambiguity. He kept saying he's afraid of losing me and he doesn't know what he is doing. So confusing for both of us. So now I'm currently trying the NC. I have a gut feeling that he will come back....but how can one know? I really think he is the right person for me...should I fight for this or should I let him go?
Sorry for the long text! I really hope I can get your opinions on this.
Regards,
Tess
If you think that he is the one for you, then you should work towards something if possible. However, you need to convey it across to him that he needs to make a decision on what he wants because you can't wait around forever. If he wants things to work, he would probably make an effort to change. If not, you would do better to walk away from the relationship or risk going through this again in the future.
Why are there no articles on what to do AFTER you meet your ex? I met with my ex yesterday and have no idea what to do now.
Hey Heather, that's because everyone's contact experience will be different, and from here on out, it's more about your own efforts to build up the connection with him once again by being you. As long as you stick to the general rules and principles back in no contact (don't be needy or desperate), you should be fine.
hi. first, sorry for my english. I was in a relationship of a month (and 2 months of flirts before this)( we dont even have sex :( ) My boyfriend broke with me because his friends hate me (many people) and I descovered him talking bad things about me. due to my impulses I broke the relationship but when I told him my regret -the next day- he told me that he wants to be quiet for a days and maybe if we still think each other something could happen. Well, im doing no contact but I have some doubts, I bloked him on facebook and I lost his number but I still having him on Instagram. I used to upload pictures, it could affect the no contact? my other question is that is really hard to me to write the hand letter (is really crazy) and I dont have his number or email, do you think it could be work if when I completed the month I start giving him likes and comments of his “stories”? its really hard to me find him because he take the desition. do you think that I can be sucess? thanks .
You could continue to upload pictures on IG, so that your presence remains visible to him despite no contact. As for the letter, when no contact is over, you could decide again what you want to do, but instead of liking his pictures or stories, you could always start with a simple message to his Instagram asking him how he's been.
Hi EBP team,
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after he said he needed space. He said it was not my fault, he said it's because he's tired of being in a relationship and wants to be alone for now. I felt really down, because this is our second time breaking up. On the first break up I really did fix myself for him, but I was not happy and I had anxiety built up along the way. I knew he doesn't like it when I make small problems into big ones, he doesn't like it when I word vomit during arguing (yes this triggered him to ask me for a break), and how I cling onto him too much. Now I truly have learned from my mistakes, and this break up was much easier because I'm actually making my self happy, and hanging out with my friends that I have neglected because I spent so much time with my ex instead. I love him so dearly, I feel like our relationship is fixable but I just know his tolerance towards me is really low now. Because back then, he would go through all my problems and comfort me. I used to be horrible, heck I even slapped him once for no clear reason. He was such a loving and caring boyfriend, he used to be so committed. I really miss what we had, when we were equally invested, there were barely any fights, and we always had a great time together in conversations, activities, and sex. I have been doing the no contact rule really well in my opinion, but does this all matter when I have pushed him away this much until he is just so tired? How long do men usually need to rest? I heard from another article that they start regretting after more than a month.. And can I heal him so he can love being in a relationship again, and become equally invested again? Thank you.
You won't be able to heal him, because its something that he needs to resolve on his own. In this case, it may not be so much about regretting, but rather you'll have to make him miss the idea of a relationship with you. The only way for that to happen is to first give him space to let go of all the bad incidents that happened, and start remembering the good (especially when he sees how much you've changed). Continue with no contact, and when it ends, you could always decide to approach him again casually, starting off with the idea of being friends and letting him allow you back into your life slowly.
Hi, so me and my ex broke up a week ago. We weren’t dating for a very long time (3 months) but it was very intense and we fell for eachother the first time we saw eachother. we were dating and everything was amazing when we were together he told me how he already felt in love so fast but it all felt right. We did however had some arguments trough texts, he hates texting but texting was important for our communication because we live in different cities also he has an enormous busy profession so making plans was always hard, our communication caused a lot of problems also his work made him get a burn out and he was getting back into a depression (he was severly depressed years ago). We sometimes talked about quitting because we had to deal with a lot. Last week we talked and both decided to go on, he also told me i was the most important person in his life even during the depression (which was taking a toll on our relationship) two days later he told me that it would be best if we broke up because it wasnt working and he doesnt know what he wants and he needed to focus on himself. I got it but i am hurt because we fell in love so fast and he was always telling me how much i ment for him and how amazing he thought i was. I am just wondering if its over for good of if there still is a chance for us, i feel like we didn’t have the opportunity to fully try.
There's a strong possibility that he still has feelings for you, but is simply overwhelmed with everything that has been going on. Unfortunately, a perfect world does not exist and we often have to make do with the situation that we're given - for yours, its a relationship based in different cities and a partner who has a stressful job and difficulties with coping. If his depression is severe, it's likely that frequent changes in his opinions may occur based on how he's feeling at a given point because he is unable to control his emotions. You could always learn how to help him cope better with his stress and depression, and be patient with him because of his depression. However, you should keep in mind that depression isn't something that should control his life although it will affect it. It shouldn't control yours either, and if things get overwhelming for you, it might be a better idea to walk away.
In need of some help. My ex and I started talking over two years ago. She's 20 and I'm 28. We talked all day every day. Four months ago we decided it was best if we started to date. We have never argued once in over two years we've known each other. Three weeks ago she said she didn't think we should date because I deserve better. That I have real priorities and she has immature ones. She said she was young dumb and selfish. Which I didn't agree with. She said it had nothing to do with me she just realized things about herself. The next day I didn't really talk to her but she got mad because of that. Then 3 days after we broke up we met face to face and got back together after talking.
During the 3 weeks we were together it couldn't have gone better. We bought tickets to concerts in the coming months, we were planning a trip with her sister and her husband for a week. She invited me everywhere. She said she missed me when we didn't see each other. She was very affectionate. Then five days ago she calls me and said she's been thinking. She feels she needs to work on herself and grow up. She feels that in order to be mature she needs to be single. I'm proud of her for being that mature to want all of that but I don't understand why she can't do that while together. She told me we were on a break. Since we started our break there's been no contact. I'm worried I'm going to lose her forever. I want her back but I want her back for good. I'm confused what to do since we never fought and we've talked every day for over 2 years straight. Not one argument and we wanted all the same things. Point me in the right direction to get her back! I don't want to mess this up!
As cliche as this may sound, a relationship requires its fights and arguments from time to time for individuals to grow emotionally (based on how they resolve those issues). The reason why she feels stuck and perhaps that she needs to grow from 'single' point of view is because she currently feel that the relationship has not made her any more mature than she was 2 years ago, since she has become dependent on you for most things. Perhaps you could give her some space to let her sort those emotions out and continue with the NC period. If the relationship was as meaningful to her as it was to you, she would definitely begin to feel an emotional gap because of the daily texting for past 2 years and think of you.
My ex contacted me two days after breaking up with me. He invited me over to get my stuff and to talk. I️ responded and said I️ can’t I️m leaving for a trip, we can next week. I️ totally messed up. He responded ok. Now I️ don’t know what to do. The ball is still in his court. Where do I️ go from here. Should I️ text him in a week telling him I️ need some more time? How do I️ gain some control
Wait for him to text you again, and depending on what your end goal is (to move on or get back together), you could either pick your stuff up or try to avoid it if possible - regardless, you should apply no contact after to give both parties necessary space to let go of either the relationship or negative feelings from the breakup.
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago. I haven't reached out to her yet, but want nothing more that to, because there are so many questions that I have about what happened. We started dating this past November and things were great! We had a strong connection, I never blew up her phone, i would wait for her to text back before i sent another message. She would say I'm the best thing that's happened to her in a very long time, and that she is so lucky to have me in her life, and that she wants me in her life for a long time. I never mentioned making plans far in advance for later on down the road, but she brought up me spending Christmas with her and her family next year, and spending new years together next year, and I told her that would be awesome and would love to. We only officially dated for a month before she went back home for 5 weeks. The Monday before the Saturday she broke up with me she started school and I noticed that she didn't say her usual goodnight. she usually says night babe with some hearts but that Monday I just got a night. I saw her for the first time since she left for a little bit that Wednesday and things seemed great. She was happy to see me, and we talked about getting a cabin for valentines day, and she seemed like she really wanted to get one. I saw her that Saturday morning before her job interview and she seemed fine. while I was hanging out with a friend and she was at her job interview I got a text out of nowhere saying that she needed space and time to think things over. That she has so many things going on right now and that she isn't thinking straight because of her hormones, stress, and lack of sleep. I went over and talked to her that night and she said that I was a great boyfriend, an amazing guy and hadn't done anything wrong. She said that she needs to focus on graduating and had so much on her plate that she couldn't give me the time that she thinks i deserve. That she isn't sure she feels the same way about me that i feel about her, and that i stress her out. She said she isn't just going to disappear and never hear from her again and that she still wants me in her life. That shes there if i want to talk. when we started dating she planned on staying in town for a little while after graduation and when she came back from home she said that she was moving back home at the end of this summer. I told her when she said that, that I care so much for her and if that was the case that I would move near her to be close to her. This girl was everything I have looked for in a girl. She seemed that she loved me by the things she said and I'm just so confused what to do because it really came out of nowhere.
Based on what you're saying, it could either be that she is really feeling very stressed out about her future and is unsure where you fit into it, which is why she needed time to think. The other outcome was that she may have found someone else she is interested in, and isn't sure of how she feels towards you anymore but may have held it in for awhile. Regardless, if she feels the same way about how you felt towards her, it may probably be the former reason, and if that's the case, you shouldn't pressure her any further, and try to be patient while she thinks things through. If the outcome is that she really wants things to end, and to focus on graduating first without you as her partner, there isn't much you can do but apply no contact to pick yourself up and give yourself some space before re-considering anything.
Hi
My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago, due to trust issue. The first week, I begged and pleaded her so much, but i found the NC rule, which i did reply for a bit. We had an on and off conncetion after our breakup. Everytime i went nc she would texting me like crazy, and everytime she did that i broke my nc rule. But our interactions were positive, i did improve myself, she even mentioned that. But in the day after christmas i did something stupid, which i tried to make her jealous, by telling her that my fried did set me up to some girls that wanted to meet me in the club. My ex got very upset and won't talk to me. The reason of why i tried to make her jealous was becasue, she would be moving away to another town (2hours away). So i tried to rush the process of getting her back, but it backfired very hard.
After she moved away i did go on NC again, which i failed like the first time. It is my weakness that, everytime she contacts me i would reply to every single of her texts and calls, eventhough our interactions were positive. So in the past few weeks she asked me that when i could come to visit her. I said that i could visit her in febuary, but she said that she couldn't wait that long. I was very happy to knew that she still thinking about me. Since then we had been contacting each other a little bit more than usual. She even asked me to stay a little bit longer when i called her just to say goodnight. And last weekend she sent me a dirty snap of her and teased me like crazy, which it made me to want her back even more. So i began to show my intention and affection toward her. Since then she went cold, very cold, so i called her, which i shouldn't at all. But i called her because on 1st febuary i will be in her town, so i just wanted to ask her that we could have a meeting. But she hung up on me, and texted me instead. She texted me that she was crying and sad. I asked her why and she wanted to talk about it, but she just ignored my text. So i called her again the day after, because i wanted to know that she stii wants to meet up. We talked a little bit about yesterday, why she was crying. She didn't tell me about it. Then i asked her about she wants to hang out when i am in her town. She said she would check her schedule and she would let me know. Since then she didn't contact me at all not even a pointless text or snap. I felt like her crying and sad that day hadd something to do with me. So i reached to her tpday(yeah, i am acting needy again) asked her that she wants to see me at all on 1st febuary. She replied "no kissing". So now i know why she went cold. Because i show her my intention for her. And i will be meeting her very soon.
What can i do, since she knows my intention now? Is it too late to get her back? I felt like the process that i had made is gone. Because before i show my needieness and intention i knew that she still cares about me, but right now i don't know any more, confusing more likely. I will be meeting her soon, what should i do?
Thank you
I don't think it's too late to get her back, but you should take things down a notch and not make your intentions so forward or let your emotions get the better of you. Just because you're going over soon, doesn't mean things all need to fall in place at one shot. She might even be impressed that you kept things calm and composed when meeting, instead of making advances, which she is expecting. Apologize for being so forward, and let her know that your emotions got the better of you. Also tell her that you would still very much like to meet up when you're there, but would understand if she isn't comfortable. Basically, be a gentleman from here on out, and you still stand a strong chance with her. Let her lead instead based on what she's comfortable with.
Thank you for a fast reply. Sorry, i didn't explain the situation clearly, but im not 100% sure that she wants to meet with me tomorrow. What if i didn't meet her tomorrow? Can i still text her that im sorry for letting my emotion get better of me and etc?
Thank you!
Hi, i want to do a little update from my meeting with my ex. It went well, we had fun. When we first met we were just talking casually. Then we went to her place to pick her stuff. In her apartment there were a lot of stuff that weren't hers, and i saw on hers table there were some birth control pills, and she was not a fan of taking them when we were together, because it would give her side effect. So i knew that she has slept with other guys since our breakup. I know that it was not something that i could control, since we are not together anymore. But i didn't show any emotion to her, though i was so mad inside. Because i figured that one of the reason why she went cold and distant was she was seeing someone else. So i was just talking about something else instead and it went good. Then we went for a shopping, which it went better with our interactions. I began to holding hands and small kind of physically interaction. We went for a dinner after and i made her laugh a lot of the times. So when we went back just to chill a little bit before i haad to go home. We cuddle for a bit, even though i felt a small resistance from her side. I mean she wrote "no kissing" after all. So when we said goodbye, we kissed, we laugh for a bit, because i made a comment about "no kissing" Then we kissed again, but nothing more, and i did tried to get more than kisses, but not directly. I think our first interaction went well. But what does that kiss mean? What should i do after this point? How can i make her to think about me and not the guy she has been seeing? Especially when she was so hot towards me a few weeks before.
Thank you
The fact that she has opened up to you and even returned the kisses despite expressing no initially shows that she still has feelings for you, which were probably easier to mask while she was still texting you. If you continue this approach with her, to make her laugh and enjoy herself everytime she talks to you or sees you, it wouldn't be long before she rekindles her feelings for you. It should be mentioned as well though, that you may expect a little resistance on occasion from her if she's seeing another guy, but he may simply be a rebound. Remember that being patient (not lose your cool or be pushy) will only increase your chances of winning her back from him since she would see you as the better option.
hi ebp team,
my ex of more than a year broke it off yesterday. 3 weeks before that he asked for space which i did (somehow). i was overly possesive towards him. i got jealous everytime. before we officially became a couple, we were dating over a year too. so you can say we've been together for more than a year. he is 33 whyl im 26. he was really having a bad time at work plus responsibilities with his family. he said we'll just focus on our work first. btw we are in the same company. should i do nc? i knw hes just so fed up with everything. should i jst give him time and space but try to bring him food again.? or just plain nc? thank you.
You should start off with NC on it's own without sweet gestures. You want to give your ex some time and space to cool off as well as the time apart to start missing you again. If you work together with him, meeting him would be unavoidable, but keep your conversations strictly to work related matters for the time being, and focus on NC instead. You could use this article to further assist you.
Hi team!
My first post was in December, when I was rebuilding connection with my ex and needed some advice. We talked, even videochated as we were in a long distance relationship and since then we were fine, having small talks, snapping and starting to have longer conversations. There were moments when he acted cold or when I needed to sustain the conversation, which made me really frustrated.
However, in January he left to an academy. On his first week there, we had small talks, like we exchanged 2-3 sentences about the academy. I assumed that he is replying so slow and short because he has some stuff to do or something, so I waited a couple of days, till weekend, believing, maybe he will have more time for me. He didn't... He is barely answering me even if I am writing to him each 2nd or 3rd day.
The interesting thing is, that on Snapchat everything was fine, so I started to rebuild connection and attraction there. I tried several times the methodes described in the article. Recently he sent me a snap of a dish made by him, so as an answer I wrote him: "It looks really nice. I almost have forgotten how much you love to cook." After a few minutes he told me: "You are doing that again." I knew that perhaps he is reffering to my remark, as I told him before things like "oh, I remember how tasty that dish was on our first date, once again, what was the secret ingredient?" and such things. However, I asked him to clarify what he is reffering to. After an hour he snapped me the following: "I don't remember what I wrote."
I know that getting him back is a long and sometimes painful process. I made some serious changes in my life and a part of those changes were acknowledged by him, he even confirmed me, that I look more refreshed and happier. In one of our conversation he even apologized because of the breakup. But now I feel like, he being at the academy, he started a new life which he won't share with me at all.
I will go to the academy in April, however, I haven't told him about it. My plan would be to start a new NC period till April and in the meantime to work again on myself, maybe to post some nice, happy pics when travelling (just as I did before), just being an even better verison of the better me. I know that he is not expecting to see me ever again as he lives in Denmark and I on the other side of Europe, so when arriving at the academy it will be a huge shocking surprise for him. I think this would not just surprise him but also trigger some old memories and perhaps, he will notice each little change on me.
I would like to ask you some clear questions, that are bugging me:
1. What makes men to apologize for breaking up?
2. Is it a good idea to do another NC till April or it would be better to somehow continue working on building raport, even if he acts like an ice-prince?
3. Should I let him know, that I am going to the academy or can I keep it a secret?
4. Is there a chance to get him back if I would stop messaging and sending snaps?
5. We were in long-distance relationship. When breaking up I don't think he thought that he will see me again.... Meeting him face-to-face would make it possible that his feelings would change?
I am looking forward to your reply and thank you very much in advance!
Eve :)
To answer your questions, firstly men apologize for the break up when we've had time to think about it, or feel guilty towards our ex for hurting them. Secondly, if he's being wary of your intentions right now and has started his new life at the academy, it may be a good idea to start NC again since pushing your way through isn't going to work. You have an advantage that most long distance relationship breakups don't, which is that you'll be going to the academy in April. I guess what contributes to him wanting to move on, is the thought of never seeing you again, which makes things easier to process and to distance himself from you. By going to the academy, you definitely would trigger some memories and he may even begin to miss you. It might be a good idea to let him know that you'll be going, or at least bring it up casually on the potential chance that you may be going, and see how he reacts to it.
Hi Ryan!
As I started now the NC and I am in the second week, when and how should I let him know? What would be the best method? Writing him something like: You will never guess what happened! And after that just tell him that I will go there?
Thanks,
Eve :)
Hi Ryan!
Should I break my new NC just for this message? Can I send hima text just regarding this issue while being nice and cool about it?
Thank you and have a nice day,
Eve
Yes, you could drop him a text and continue with NC after, or alternatively, finish up NC first before texting him that you'll be going over in April.
Hi Ryan!
We talked as he contacted me and when it came of the academy, I told him that there is a huge chance that I will visit his academy... He didn't reacted at all, he has sent me a pic and changed the subject and continued as nothing have happened... He really doesn't care or this is a normal reaction? Should I continue talking with him or I should do a NC till I go there and give him some time process the info? I have the feeling that he didn't really believed me or didn't really took into consideration this potential chance. He likes the concrete things that are for sure. Should I let him know that I know the exact date, would that change things?
Thank you in advance!
I suggest leaving things be for now, and continue with no contact. You can let him know at a later date on the confirmed details and based on his response then, you can determine if he's genuine about you still, or simply does not care anymore.
Hi Ryan:
My ex and I broke up a week ago. Thats how things happend. “We broke up” at the beggining of January but not because of anything bad just because we wasn’t getting along and we were having a lots of fights. That first break up was not a breakup at all because we kept seeing each other and we were acting as a couple. Then last week I decided to talk to him and actually come back with him because we were dealing with our problems and we were getting along and understanding each other. That day I wanted to talk to him to come back he went to my house while I wasn’t there and check over my texts without permission. He discovered some texts of me “flirting” with a guy while we still together but it didn’t go too far, there was nothing sexual nor I didn’t cheat. He told me that for him only talking with other guy and hide it from him was cheating and decided to break up for good. He talked to me after that and told me that he is a person that doesn’t forgive and don’t know how to do it. I have tried to explain him that nothing occured between me and that guy and I apologize for making the mistake of texting with someone else but he doesn’t want to understand. In the past he had a relationship that the girl cheated on him and he told me that since the beggining of our relationship he told me that he wasn’t gonna accept anything like that. So after only a week he shows like super decided and I’m wondering if all of this is because of his anger because after only bringing back the topic again he gets furious. But is it possible that a person made his mind after a few days and be that decided? We had a 7 years relationship and I want to know if somehow is possible to make things right and get him back. One day ago he told me that if we ever come back it’s gonna be a new relationship from zero but that he can’t assure me if someday thats gonna happen. And if it really happens he can’t tell when its gonna be. He told me that I should not make a hope on this because it’s not sure if that will ever happen. I know I made a mistake but I think that he has overreacted and he has made things bigger than they really are. I’m gonna follow this advices and see how everything goes. What’s your opinion on this?
Different people have different views on cheating and the boundaries of it. You'll have to respect that if you want to make things work with him once more. However, it's also dependent on how strong he views this matter, and his ability to accept things. If it's as you've said, and that he is really against cheating, and doesn't know how to forgive, it might be a really long while before he lets go of this matter. I feel that you shouldn't get your hopes up as he's said, and instead focus on making changes to your life as it helps with the chance of starting something 'new' with him, since making drastic improvements to yourself could cause him to view in a different light from the person you once were.
Hey kevin,i last saw my girlfriend last year in November but i know that made some horrible stuff to hurt her though never intented to do it...we have made 2months now but no contact period.She often calls me,sometimes i pick up her calls but i don't beg her & don't know how am gona get her back cause whenever i talk to her about it,she says"IF GOD WISHES,WE SHALL MEET" i need your advise,man
If you guys live in the same city, or there's a common place you know she hangs out at, you could always drop by on occasion to try your luck. However it sounds like she's trying to play hard to get with you, since she clearly shows signs of interest but pushes your advances away. She may not have let go fully of the past incidents, and may still need more time.
So my girlfriend broke up with me because her ex of 1 year (who recently broke up too) decided to tell her that he would like to get back with her. Apparently, he didn't know that she's in a relationship with me for about 1 and half months (we already knew each other for about two years at work. She feels she knew me enough in that two years to explore our possibilities). This triggered her and so my girlfriend decided to break up with me to explore the possibilities of going back with her ex, and at the same time, she doesn't want to reach a point where she would cheat on me just to do her exploring. She had high hopes on that previous relationship, but it was the guy who called it off due to circumstances he could not handle.
Post-breakup, I keep contacting her, and her replies seemed normal. She even organised a cafe date, so I thought there is still hope. I kept myself on her radar all the time, and recently I decided to visit her when she was sick, even though she told me not too. That didn't turn out well. She said I was disrespectful towards her needs to be alone to sort out this mess and decide on what she wants. At that moment I knew I fucked up. We had a long talk, and as of yesterday, I started the No Contact rule and am slowly reading your articles. I would like to get back with my ex to continue our relationship that got ended abruptly.
She's beautiful, strong character but also sensitive towards others, knows what she wants (at the point of time when we just dated) caring, loving, not manipulative, open to discussions.
If she's how you described her to be, then her decision to explore things with her ex would probably be final for the time being and interfering would only push her further away especially when you accidentally cross boundaries or make her feel uncomfortable. Let her do what she needs to, and you should work to complete NC, and make the positive changes in your life as mentioned in our article. If the opportunity presents itself in the future, you could always consider things again then.
Hey, can I have your personal email address? I don't want it in public. that's why. hope you would respond.
Apologies but we do not provide personal email correspondence, unless it's subscribed 1-1 coaching with Kelvin.
My college girlfriend (lets say Sarah) and I were almost 3 years together in a relationship. Had to break up with her due me having to finish school and plans to go for a masters degree abroad and her wanting to marry young, but myself without anything to support her and the upcoming family. Shortly after breaking up, I met another girl (Let's say Rachel) which we started dating relatively quick. Sarah saw us getting out from the cinema and blocked me in every social media possible. Four years have passed on (Superb No Contact time?) and I sent her a birthday message which Sarah coldly responded. Looked forward to keeping on messaging and she blocked me telling me she doesn't me to talk again with her and that we already have walked different roads. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend nor had a boyfriend in all these years. Should I wait for another No Contact time? What should be the appropriate way to approach her. She seems still hurt by the way she responded me when she blocked me last time.
If she's still hurt and responded coldly to you even after 4 years, there may be no point in waiting through another no contact period since she has expressed that she doesn't want to talk to you again. You might even have to wait for her to go through another relationship before she finally lets go of the past incident.
Why did you send her a happy birthday after all this time too? hmmm. Are you still with 'rachel'?, i gather not?.It appears you are using Sarah as a fallback if you aren't with anyone which shows your lack of self esteem and need for an ego massage now and again when you need it. 4 years! leave her alone. You cannot have your cake and eat it.
Hi. Mel here.
I know this is kind of sudden, but I want to know your thoughts on this.
Allright. So my ex and I have been dating for around 6 months. We initially fell in love with each other at first sight. It was so strange and magical to feel all the emotions, the heart-beating-fast-knees-weak-head-goes-dizzy sensations flowing inside of us when we didn't even know each other. Weeks after that, he got my number from his cousin, who happened to know me since I was a child. But he still didn't text me yet. He said he was worried I might not interested in him the way he was interested in me (he told me this months after that). So I approached him first.
We escalated fast, he proposed to me, and we were making plans to get engaged supposedly this June. But things started to changed in last November. He said he was having so so so much problems with his family, and he will tell me when things settled down a bit. But of course, I know all of them and I did gave him support and encouragement to face all that.
Then, one thing leads to another, and eventually, his problems grew bigger and bigger, and started to get out of hand. Me, on the other side, continued to give him support, and frequently asked him if he was okay, if he ate that day, or if he needs me to talk to. Little did I know, all of my concern made him feel burdened.
He said he needed time. But I pushed him, and it was as if I really wanted to know his problems, which i was not, actually. Because i already knew (his cousin told me everything, and we kept it a secret).
So he broke up with me. He said to not look for him anymore, and do not contact him anymore. I was really devastated and yes, I did have some suicidal thoughts. But I know that was irrational. So I tried to calm down, and tried to understand why he did that. I basically put myself in his shoes. Oh yes, I do understand why he did that, that's why I abide to his no contact rule since the breakup day. He needed time, I thought.
32 days of no contact rule, I went to his workplace, since I was called for an interview that day. I bumped into him, but I walked away. I went home, and cry my eyes out, feeling sad and unbearable. The day after that, his cousin told me that he too, was moody and really sad after he bumped into me, and he went back early that day, because he can't continue with work anymore. He was so sad.
That night, he didn't sleep a bit, and came to work the next day looking miserable. So he took half day off, and went home because he started to have a fever.
When I heard that, my heart broke. I really just wanted to run to him, hug him tight and say, "Let's not do this anymore. Let's just be happy. Forever." but I don't think it was a good idea.
Two days after that, which is yesterday, I texted him first. He didn't reply back until now.
What should I do? I know he still wants me, and he is hurting badly too. But I really seriously do not know what to do. What should I do to get him back, happy and confident just like before?
With love,
Mel.
It's best to figure out what he's thinking about at this point, and how he's handling all of his emotional issues before you decide on an action to take. The last thing you want is to end up making him feel more burdened. If you really want to be together with him, it might be a better idea to be the positive pillar of support that he seemingly needs right now, and help him pick himself back up first.
My ex and I broke up about a week ago. We’ve been dating for about 3months (short, I know), but he said he wanted a serious relationship with me since the beginning. He’s 27 and my firts serious boyfriend (I’m 26), so a lot of things were new for me. I tend to be very cold and distant and he’s the exact opposite, which bothered him at times, but with time, I managed to change that and I became very affectionate and loving with him.
A few weeks into the relationship, he introduced me to his close friends and family, who were all very kind and genuinely interested in me. Whenever I went to his house and his parents were around, he’d say that I’d act uncomfortable around them, which was not the case, however him being my first serious boyfriend and them being his parents, I was not sure how to act or behave around them because I really wanted them to like me. I tried helping his mom around the kitchen and I even told her I could cook, which I can’t, just for her to like me. She obviously found out I was lying about that, but she didn’t really care.
A few weeks ago, we went out of town for his best friends wedding and we had a phenomenal time. He told me he wanted to marry me some day and we’d even plan trips and stuff like that when we’d finish our residency programs.
When we broke up, we went to his house to get a rope for a friend’s piñata. I stayed in his car and his father was outside, talking with his sister and I didn’t get out of the car to greet them. It was raining a little and I honestly don’t know why I didn’t get out, I guess I was lazy or something. Anyway, my ex came out (his father was gone by then), asked me if I had greeted his dad and I lied and said I had. We went to a party, had a great time and somehow, he found out I was lying. We had a huge fight (our first ever) and he broke up with me the next day. I texted him the next day saying how sorry I was and he told me we could work things out, but then we talked on the phone (I’d never seen him so angry) and he told me it was over. He didn’t give me a reason, but he told a friend that his family was kind and loving with me and I didn’t even make an effort to greet them. I begged for him to not break things off with me. I told him I could change, but he wouldn’t hear me out. His mom asked me what had happened since she’d never seen her son so excited or happy in a relationship and she didn’t understand either.
I haven’t spoken to him since, however we work together, so we're bound to see each other at work, where we just casually greet each other.
I know he’s hurt by my behavior, but I really miss him. At the beginning, he told me he’d neved dream that someone like me noticed him and he had deep feelings about me. I don’t know if we could get back together, but I really care about him. I don’t know how to prove to him that I can change. Please, help me.
It's understandable that being your first serious boyfriend and meeting his family, you'd act a little out of place. He may be overly affected by things because he had placed high expectations on you, which he felt you did not fulfill. Give him some time to cool off, and if he's really serious about you, consider contacting him again to let him know you are sincere about the relationship and explain to him that you're still unfamiliar with dealing with your partner's parents but will be trying harder.
English isn’t my first language, so I apologize if I have some grammatical errors.
When he broke up with me, I told him that I didn’t really know how to behave around his parents, but he was so angry that he didn’t even care. I told him that I could change, but he just kept saying over and over again that he can’t make me change. He argues that we’re both different people and I’ll understand his reasoning in the future, but we had so much love for each other, so I’m completely lost.
When he broke up with me, he was angry and he told me his feeling had changed and he didn’t care about me as he used to. I don’t know it that’s true or if its the anger talking, but it really hurt my feelings. Also, he deleted my pictures from instagram...
Do you think I should keep the nc period as that’s what I’m doing right now?? I don’t know how to prove to him that I can change because I can’t just reach out to his family and randomly be kind to them.
Thanks for your input!
Hello I am a 26 year old male and my ex is a 37 year old female .
We were together 6 years but have been split up about 4 months, but we lived together all that time and we loved each other very much .
Until maybe the last year everything seemed to changed the way she acted towards me the affection everything she eventually said I should move back to my mums after all this time because it was her house. We havent got back together since I begged her for ages but she wouldn't have none of it . Then she went on holiday with her mum where we used to go and she messaged me saying she missed me and wanted to sort things out . I waited until she got back but now she has changed her mind again very frustrating she has a busy life with the kids and I no I was quite full on . I have left her alone now for the first time ever its been 4 days and I havent sent a text or a call I'm finding it hard but its my last option . Ive been going out running and trying to focus on me but always thinking about her. we agreed just to be friends but ive always text her in the past hopfully this time I dont and she texts me first.
Continue with no contact and work on picking yourself up and improving the aspects of your life. At least from there, you'll be able to find more meaning at happiness and eventually even learn to be happy without her. If she comes back into your life, it'll be a bonus and at least you've mentally prepared yourself and would be capable of walking away in the event that she doesn't.
My girlfriend and I were together for a year and 2 months and she kept repeating, daily, that this is the best thing in her life, and we're meant together. We are very close. I've personally never known a person I want to be with more than her, and she expressed the same in visits, writing letters, and texts. Around Christmas, while she was staying with her family (she lives in the adjacent country but we travel constantly to see each other), and after a small discussion about where she might get a job and where we would live together, she turned completely and said (on new year's eve) she can't do a relationship anymore, she wants to be alone, that she's a toxic person to me (she isn't), and never wants a relationship again, ever, with anyone. She did not explain the details why making such a heavy decision, she said she feels inadequate, and that I shouldn't contact her any more if I want her to stay. I am very confused. Now it's been twenty days since we last had any contact and it's killing me, I miss her and I wish we could talk. I have no idea what to do.
If there was no instigating argument or issues that could have potentially made her feel that way, perhaps there could have been other more personal reasons for wanting to end things. You might have to mentally prepare that there was someone else, and if you're entirely sure it wasn't, you could always ask her what made her feel inadequate and toxic as a person.
Thank you Ryan. There was a discussion, when I was expressing worries about how negative she sounded and her repeating how bad she is which I strongly disagreed with, and a discussion about where to live together that she started, which was all strange. I asked her what made her feel inadequate and she repeated that it's just how a relationship makes her feel, and that she can't have this discussion, and basically broke contact. Very sudden, very extreme, and very bizarre and I'm left with questions and I feel very confused. I asked her if this is about someone else, she strongly denied it, and I hope she speaks the truth, because I trusted her completely, and this would be a major disappointment in her and in people in general...I wish she could tell me what this is really about.
Hello, after a relationship of 2 years with my bestfriend (since 5 years) I heard from one of his mate he was already with this girl from his class. I taught she was a rebound because 3 weeks after the breakup they already were dating. My ex told me that he would tell me if he has a new girlfriend but he never told about her. But now I think she is more than a rebound.. It's been 2 months and they follow the familymembers on instagram. I don't understand him, why doesn't he just tell me he has a new girlfriend? I'm the kind of person who wants always the best for the other person. I told him I want him to be happy, even if it's not me who makes him happy. We had a fight last month because I still had contact with one of his best friends. He told me he could not party with me on NYE because he couldn't be drunk in the same room as me (we have a lot of common friends). I wrote him a letter to say I'm okay with the breakup and I think it's for the best to give each other space. He didn't respond on the letter, but after that he puts more snapchats in our friends group to make me look at it. I don't understand him?
I want to understand! Do you think he is now in a rebound relationship?
Thanks for the help!
It would depend on the context of how the relationship had ended and the experiences you went through together. Bear in mind that a relationship with your best friend is very different from actually being friends with that person, and if the relationship was meaningful enough, there's a likelihood that his new girlfriend may be a rebound. He just may not realize it yet, or has been subconsciously suppressing his doubts so far. If he still feels that he can't face you in specific occasions, there is a possibility he isn't over you, and that makes the new relationship seem even more like a rebound. However, just take note that many factors would come into play, and you could refer to them in this article.
Hey, Ryan. I was with my ex for almost three years. She broke it off five months ago. I was in a bad place at the time and was causing a lot of unnecessary discussions. I took care of my problems and I've been working on myself a lot since. I insisted on getting back together for the first two months, which didn't work. We have kept in touch this time, but not in a flirty way. Plus she hasn't agreed to go out with me. We saw each other twice on October, but she has declined to see me since. I tried no contact back in November and after 12 days she texted saying she missed her best friend (me). I started conversations and she said she was working on stuff of her own, but then started kind of ignoring me. For a while, I wished she would just shut the door on us so I could move on, and the fact that she refuses to do that makes me believe she still sees us together, though I don't want to be seen like an option and that I'll just run right back whenever she wants. I sent her flowers for Christmas, for which she thanked me and sent me a picture of them a week later out of the blue, but I didn't make conversation. Early this year I asked if I could see her and she said no (actually says "not now". Like I said, she always sort of evades being straightforward, and I don't know what to make of that). I decided to get more serious with no contact. It's been like 15 days and I'm getting the no contact "symptom" of thinking she doesn't care/is trying to forget about me, etc. Is it too late to be doing no contact? What are your insights on her attitude of not giving clear answers? Thanks!
Remember that no contact is ultimately meant for you to pick yourself up and to create a version of yourself that would make your ex fall for you again. Whether she starts to move on or not shouldn't matter, because she's moving on from the image and impression she had of you before the change. As long as the relationship with her was meaningful, there's always a strong possibility of her falling for you again if you seemed to have made significant positive changes to yourself, which captures her attention.
I have picked myself up already. I'm months past the grieving stage, I just want her to feel confident about giving us another chance. She has told me she notices I'm more calm and that she likes that, yet I think she has been skeptical about trying again. When I think of her I don't feel bad. I know we had something meaningful. But I don't really know what no contact is supposed to be doing for me right now if I've picked myself up. I've made peace with whatever happens, but I want her to pick up on the newer version of me.
If that's the case, start off as friends first and slowly let her see the changed side of you. This would give her more confidence in the idea of starting something once again.
Then contact her and tell her whats changed in you! don't wait for her to contact you because she will think you have moved on already, and i'm sorry my friend, so will she, maybe before you do.You can leave it too late to contact after no contact. If you have genuinely changed and you think you made mistakes and want to be with her still,tell her and admit mistakes you made and how you will work on those. Don't let pride or ego get in the way of your future of happiness with her. BE GENUINE with her. She can for the last time say yes or no, and you can take that and move on with her or without her. If you want to be with her, show her, tell her!.
Hello Ryan,
I am trying to subscribe to your e-series but it is not submitting my information.
Hey,
You can also subscribe by taking the quiz here.
Hi, my boyfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me just a week ago. It was very hard for both of us, as I love him with all my heart and he seemed genuinely upset about it too. we didn't have a fight or anything, he just said he thinks i love him more than he loves me and isn't sure if this is what he wants. when we left the place where we broke up, we were both very sad. yesterday i bumped into him, and he was very nice to me, we even chatted for a while about our school work. he just seemed very casual, relaxed and happy to see me. i plan on not contacting him for a while, but is this relationship already a lost cause if he seems all casual and treating me as a friend only a week after he left me? does this show that he actually never really cared enough about me?
There's a likelihood that he may be affected by the break up as much as you, but won't show it because he doesn't want you to see him as being weak. If you said that the break up was just as difficult for him as it was for you, then he probably hasn't moved on completely nor has he lost feelings for you. Also, the reason he gave you seems to come from a lack of self-esteem, and can't accept the fact that he's less into you than the other way around. Perhaps you could start off as being friends and letting him develop the feelings or take charge this time.
Hello guys this is testimony that this NC stuff absolutely works! Ryan you guys are geniuses dude. I got my girl back! I didn't think it was working at first and I panicked a lot during the whole NC process. She even started messing with her ex and one other person. So my advice if you really know and want your ex back then keep pushing everyone! it works with time. also focus on yourself. This website is very helpful. Now to Ryan.. thanks dude again. I do have one last thing I need your help with. I realized that she clearly didn't respect me or our relationship before because she was able to so easily start messing around with someone we both know and someone I didn't like. Yes we are together now and things have been great! My question is, how do I get her to respect me more? she has not done anything to disrespect me since we got back together , however I want to know how to build strong respect from her, so that she is loyal to me no matter what? if she had respect, she would have been loyal and not cross the line with other folks while we were broken up.
That's great to hear! Well to answer your question, respect is very subjective and the reason people start messing around with others isn't so much out of the lack of respect in my opinion, but when a need or requirement in the relationship isn't met, thus causing the person to seek it with someone else. It could either be physical needs, emotional needs, or others. If you want to avoid this happening in the future, you might need to ask yourself and think from her point of view and wonder why she cheated the first time around, and prevent it.
Hi,
I decided to chime in here quickly, according to Kris S the girl did not really "cheat" on him but rather "messed" with fellow guy he didn't like, AFTER the break-up. That act he considered unloyal and therefore he's feeling not respected. In this case, I would consider this as a rebound relationship in order to get over the relationship with you, Kris S, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Eventually she's free to do what she wants apfter the break-up and it has nothing to do with you but with her.
You are right, the respect thing in the relationship is a big issue and you should have a serious but calm discussion about it with her, in fact you both should let one another know what is important in order to make this new relationship a happy success for both of you. You don't wanna run into the same mess as before.
Prior to that though, ask yourself why she didn't show respect, it probably has got to do with the way you acted around her. If you were too needy in the previous relationship with her, you invited her to walk all over you. If that was the case, you will have to work on your masculine qualities and remove the needy behavior and instead present her with a more confident version of yourself. You should have done this work on you during the NC period.
Good luck!
My apologies, I must have missed that point. Yes, Dan is right. You shouldn't let what she did in the time you guys were broken up affect you, because she was free to do whatever she wanted back then. The important thing is that now she's with you, it doesn't continue to happen. If it's an issue that's bothering you, sit down and have a talk with her to tell her how you feel, and find a way to compromise so that respect for one another can be earned. As Dan had also mentioned, her lack of respect for you was probably attributed to the past relationship and how you acted. Ideally, if you followed no contact rule, you should have worked on those issues by now, and made some significant changes in your life which would change the way she views you.
You were broken up, she could choose who she wanted, as much as you could. Thats not something to hold over her head. You ask how you get her to respect you more? respect her too!. Also the no contact does not work out for everyone, so people please do not think she will come running back after no contact and that it is a done deal (as thats manipulative), she may think if you cared you would have contacted her before now. You know your ex better than anyone, judge by that not by someone else's relationship
Im a 35 female and was dating a 36 Year guy for three months. We met through a dating app. We had previously dated 2 years ago for a few months but things fizzled out. He lives an hour and a half away from me, We were in contact daily via texts and saw each other approx once every 7-10 days.
During a date I asked him if he felt ready to come off the dating app, be exclusive and see where things would go he said yes.
The next day he texted saying he was just out of a long term relationship with a girl he planned to marry.
He broke it off with her as she was not treating him right and he wasn't ready for a full on relationship right away.
Many texts went back and forth he stated he was in a bad place he is drinking too much and angry at his ex. he said his heart wasn't in it with me. He asked me to give him time, he said he wanted me to meet the real him and not the angry guy he is now. He wants to bring me on romantic weekends away and surprise dates when he gets his head straight. He stated he was only dating me and had no interest in dating sites. He asked me to give him time stating he really liked me. I asked him to delete any naughty texts etc we sent each other he said he was sad deleting them and would miss spending time with me. I did did not reply two hours later he texted again asking me to give him time and said please don't hate me. I told him to sort his head out and id look forward to meeting the real him but told him not to take too long. He said he wouldn't as he really liked me. All his messages were signed off with an x.
The next day i was quite confused and needed answers I texted and asked could we meet and talk face to face or via phone. He stated he was not ready to talk and needed time. I texted and said thanks I now know where I stand and wished him the best of luck in the future. He said thanks and he would be back to his normal self soon.
I am so confused and do not know where to go from here.
Am i just the rebound girl?
Does he really want me?
Is there anyway of getting him back?
I am going out in his home town in a few weeks (3 weeks after the last contact).
Should i contact him letting him know i am there??
Given the circumstances, he may either be currently unsure on how he feels about you and is trying to figure things out, or he may be pushing you away because something happened, in which case you'll have to figure which of the 2 it is. It's also surprising that he said yes to being exclusive but retracts it the very next day, stating that he has issues he wants to sort out first and not telling you about these things before hand.
He broke up with me over a month ago and i am still upset. I know he is not seeing anyone else and he knows i’m not either. When we broke up he told me he wants to be happy (he’s very depressed). He told me that he loves me way more than i love him and it’s just difficult to deal with that because i think that 2 people who love each other should be with together. we have been texting and it’s either very short or very long and we also have our location on for each other. we were together for almost 15 months and i see a future with him and he is fully aware that i would do anything to have him back. i want to see him so badly but i don’t think he wants to see me. He’s going through a lot of stuff like depression and he gets lost in his thoughts and this caused him to think i was cheating or lying to him or that i didn’t love him. I think cheating is disgusting and i’d never lie to him. He also can’t get over certain things.... such as him not being my first sexual partner which bothers me because i am a year older than him and it just bothers me that he doesn’t understand. all i want is for him to be happy but i also want him to be happy with me and i am so stuck. i asked him if he would ever come back and he said he doesn’t know. everyone keeps telling me to focus on myself and i can’t because i’m only focused on him and i really have hopes that we will get back together.
Given the circumstances, even if he moves on and dates someone else, he would not be happy and the same issues would occur. If he is genuinely depressed that it's affecting his happiness and daily life, you should strongly recommend he seeks help and go through therapy to recover as 'being there' alone would not be enough.
Your articles have been a big help. I (29 years old with past relationship experiences) met an almost divorced guy on dating app who lives in a city 700 miles away. I considered the dangers but it has been a while for him, he will be finally divorced in a month. We hit it off vert well, we discussed we were going fast, and we decided to continue but very slow. We mutually decided to meet also. The travel plan was for me to fly. And we booked the tickets 10 days in advance. On the day of flight, he messages me not to come. And then adds "Don't bother replying or calling. Have good luck." I suffer from severe anxiety and abandonment issues. So I was shocked but I still kept my cool, and tried to talk to him, figuring out what it means. He didn't say anything until after I cancelled my flight in the evening when he succinctly says he is sorry but it is overwhelming. Now I know it's more about him not being ready. But I also can't stop wondering that I could have gone more slow, and done more things to make sure he doesn't feel overwhelmed. But nevertheless he never replied anymore and it seems we are over. I am treating it as a break up. And plan to follow your suggestion of not contacting him for at least 30 days and then texting him. I have dated and been with some good men too with whom it just didn't work. So I know the different connections and with this man I see a future. Not in a desperate way where I will act out of fear but in a way I know it's a rare good connection. So I want it to work. When he is ready I want him to contact me. I want him to miss me, but like I said he is divorced and exactly after a month (my 30 day) is his divorce day. Now throughout our dating, he has always talked about his hardships about the whole divorce, once he was on call with me for 7 hours, on a divorce court date. He shared when he got the final divorce date too. So my question to you is that after my 30 day of no contact, it's that final divorce court date when he will be finally free as he puts it. Should I do my first text on that date? Or wait for a few more days? I must agree I am worried to lose him. Because I am a little odd person. It's rare for me to find a connection. I find it with him. But I remember your article about two kinds of people. I have worked hard at being the second kind, but my fears are very strong. So I am confused as to how I should approach the whole thing! Yesterday I was good in not texting him back a lot, until it was night when I sent two long messages spaced a few hours apart. Immediately after that he went invisible on whatsapp. I know it was for me. But I haven't messaged him at all after that and I will not. That's where your post helped me a lot. I really struggle in these kinds of situations. I do well if communication was very straight but it is not so often. I hope you can help me.
You could text him on that day, wishing him all the best and a comforting text, which may help break the ice and ease on the emotions he may be feeling. See how it works out from there, and continue accordingly.
Thank you. So you are saying it won't be a bad move considering his ex wife is going to be on his mind that day and it will be the end of an era? Will it not make him think that I am pouncing on him the moment he is available? Or it will come across as me being there for him on a hard day, irrepsective of what has happened between us? Is there a chance he will think I am inconsiderate to message him that day to bring myself into the day as well?
Also, this is slightly different than I thought I should do it. Based on what I should text him after the 30 day + few more for divorce date to go by mark, (based on your article) I have actually composed a message. The flow of the message is as follows:
How do you think of this message? And my assumption is that I can not pair this with being there for him message on divorce court date? Can I include some part of it? So should I ever send this?
I am sorry if my reply was not very coherent. I do realize that I should not be so worried about what to send, that a single message can make it or break it, but at the same time that is what your website is about, the reality is that it does make all the difference.
Thanks.
Thank you. So you are saying it won't be a bad move considering his ex wife is going to be on his mind that day and it will be the end of an era? Will it not make him think that I am pouncing on him the moment he is available? Or it will come across as me being there for him on a hard day, irrepsective of what has happened between us? Is there a chance he will think I am inconsiderate to message him that day to bring myself into the day as well?
Also, this is slightly different than I thought I should do it. Based on what I should text him after the 30 day + few more for divorce date to go by mark, (based on your article) I have actually composed a message. The flow of the message is as follows:
some incident that has happened over the last month, and it made me think of him, ....It is going to be a story about a cricket match, something between us. Then. Hey, how have you been?
I hope 13th was an okay day for you. You were in my thoughts. Congratulations on being a free man.
paragraph addressing half of the elephant in the room, that when he said he is overwhelmed, that respond overwhelmed me, and I didnt say those words but reacted in that way. I understand I am very scared of abandonment. I had a gut feeling of you backing out, hence I was walking on egg shells and did not even bring up the topic. Probably if I had, we would have had a different situation. That I have anxiety and I acted out of a place of fear when you said not to come without any explanation and to not call you too. Something to show my vulnerable side and how this time apart, I have thought about it. And it applies to us and that day's conversation. Without putting nay blame on him. (I do think that knowing I have anxiety he should have handled it better, what he did is the nmber one trigger for me, but I do not want to go there, and I am going to chalk it off to us still exploring each other.)
last paragraph about having the time to get perspective on how we are together and what do we mean to each other. And that it has shown me I like the simplest of things between us and I want us to have a second chance. I like how everyday was little better sharing it with him. Few things like I like to hear him giggle, or tell him about my dreams/jokes and him making fun of it, or discussing cricket or a movie or some random thing in the world or hear him talk passionaltely about his nephew or a theory he has or some political party's agenda. That I missed him. That I want him.
How do you think of this message? And my assumption is that I can not pair this with being there for him message on divorce court date? Can I include some part of it? So should I ever send this?
I am sorry if my reply was not very coherent. I do realize that I should not be so worried about what to send, that a single message can make it or break it, but at the same time that is what your website is about, the reality is that it does make all the difference.
Thanks.
The message seems fine. And I think texting him on that particular day is fine, because ultimately you bear no ill intentions. If the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would know where you're coming from, and that you simply wish to let him know that you'll be there for him.
hello kevin,
i am an 18 year old male, i broke up with my ex girlfriend almost 3 months ago, we was together almost 5 years, we had a strong bond but we went through an unfortunate abortion, during this situation she got attached to the baby im her stomach but wasnt finacially stable to take care of a child, her anxiety got really bad and she pushed me away and wouldnt let me near her, after almost a month of this she broke up with me stating that she had lost feelings and doesnt want to be with me anymore, we have broken up and got back together alot in the past, but this time is different, i acted irrational and constantly begged and stated how upset and lonely i was without her, i irratated her to the point of she blocked me on afew social medias, but she left 1 line of communication open via instagram, i often message her but she doesnt reply but she reads the messages, if she doesnt look at the message fast enough i panic and irratate her with more, she then replies with "Go away, leave me alone, move on i want you to" i ask her why we broke up and all she says is 'everything' thats all she says, i truley believe there is a chance but she is being too stubon to admit it, im really confused and in a bad place, there was never any cheating, im so worried that the no contact rule will not work, although if it doesnt im still in the same place im in now so what can get worse... i read alot of these getting ex back websites but im never really satisfied with the information as every situation is very different, i really do want her back, and the relationship will be great if i get the chance to reconcile it, im really in need of some help im looking forward to your help and also the no contact daily email help as i need as much help as i can get.
thank you so much
nathan whittaker
You will need to begin by sorting your thoughts out. Even if there's a chance, some distance is first required before re-initiating contact with your ex. Distance does not mean time frame of the breakup but rather, the amount of contact made during the particular time frame, and the changes you've made to impress her. Right now, she needs to deal with the emotional trauma of losing a child. She is pushing you away probably because you are unable to provide the emotional support she requires, and by constantly pestering her, you lower your own chances because she will eventually lose respect and feelings for you. I would still recommend no contact first, and to figure out where you need to grow as a person, before thinking about winning her back.
hey my boyfriend and I had just broken up 2 weeks ago after being together for 2 years, we have both 17. I'm from china but I study in the uk and thats how I met him. since I have got back after the break up, its been really difficult because I have to go to lessons and sit next to him. I feel so tempted to get back together or try to convince him back into a relationship. we both still care and love each other, but we couldnt be together because we argued way too much. I wanted to give it 2-3 months before we get back together so we both have got over all the negative stuff. do you think its a good idea? and how should I act around him when I know there is something more than just friends between us.
You could start with No contact and avoid making small talk with him for the time being. This article helps you deal with having to see your ex on a daily basis. Do that until you feel that you're not as affected by things, and start with initiating a casual friendship to see if there's still a spark, and whether the situation may be different this time compared to the previous relationship.
Sorry to send a direct email. I feel I need a serious support from you. I'm 50. We're having a wonderful relationship with the girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex to the fullest. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got the same. But due to some doubts about me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back and we started back normal. She is heading a division my company and I'm her boss. I brought her to my company to that position only after one year of the starting of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully and additional responsibility for secretarial assistance to me. We are able to spend a lot of time together in the office and our families also in the good relationship.
First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to worry her for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That was a very serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. she back again and normal. but so suspicious in every relation even with my relatives. it happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. she is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.
I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. in last December one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, i managed to get her back as my employee in my company. on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. now she is with me for my family as she needed there to run the company. she is not happy if care here more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.
But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all my motivation is surrounding her and I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. I'm ready to answer any of your questions. I need her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.
She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting every day at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.
You'll have to start by being more honest with her, and making an attempt at showing your sincerity at changing to convince her. She may not think of you as much towards you but it doesn't mean she has lost all feelings for you. If you really want her back, make those changes first, and let your actions show her that you're capable of doing so.
Ok, so me and my ex were together for three months. He is 16 and I am 19. We are both guys. So basically we had an huge fight during New Year's eve and broke up for two days. We decided to then to get back and try again, and then he decided that we would be better as just "friends" later on that weekend... He broke up with me because he didn't want to cut talking with a boy he met (and kissed) during New Year's eve... During the first the days after the break up he was acting like nothing happened or whatsover till I decided to use the whole "no contact" thing to him and then he asked to me go pick up my stuff on his house next week... So what should I do, is the any chance at all anymore or not.
As he is only 16, it could be very likely that he is still exploring his options which was why he did not want to stop talking to the new guy. There is a chance he still has feelings for you but isn't sure, but you should be mentally prepared to walk away because he might not be emotionally mature enough to be seriously invested in the people he chooses to date.
We broke up just a few days ago. The guy is younger and has no experience on relationships nor has he kissed someone before him... Before we broke up he said he wanted the same "magic" we had on the beggining... Should I cool for a month before trying something with him again, like even just a friendship
That depends on how long you have been dating him. If he is new to relationships, he might move on quickly if the relationship was a short one, as he is still in the exploratory stage, in which case if you want him back, give a shorter period of cooling before talking to him.
Kevin
Ihave been in love with this one Man for 25 years we were not together for 9 yrs got back together married was together for 8 years now we are divorced be a yr in March he is with someone else we have secretly been together 3 times since the break up and I actually work part time for the same person that he works full time for ee dont actually run into each other every day maybe once a week I love and very much inlove with him we have conquered so much and overcame so much in our time together I love him very much in love with him Just need advice if you can help. Thank you
Since you guys were once married, there's definitely a chance that he still loves you. But you have to clarify with him his intentions, and what he ultimately wants.
Hi,
Me and my ex are both 20 years old and were in a relationship for a year. about 3 weeks ago he brought up the thought of wanting to break up, which surprised me. during the next two weeks we were kinda on a break because he claimed as being confused about everything and didn't know what to do. then we met up again and he said he still isn't sure whether we should break up or be together. he said that he probably doesn't love me as much as i love him and that staying together might be a bad idea. i said that it's probably best if we break up if he isnt completely sure that he wants me. so it was a kind of a mutual decision but it felt like neither of us wanted to actually do it. it is also worth noting that we are both currently very stressed as we are busy with college. we haven't been in any contact for a week now so i don't know what he feels right now, but i still wish that he would realise what he did and that he would want me back. i plan on not contacting him for a few weeks but I am afraid that he will work on getting over me during this time. when we were dating we used to take the same train about once a week. should i normally go on that train and just act friendly if i see him or should i avoid seeing him for a while?
At the start, it might be better to avoid him so that you don't have to deal with the negative emotions. Continue with no contact and even if you do see him, you could acknowledge him, but do not engage in small talk for the time being.
Hi,
After being together for just shy of 7 years my boyfriend decided to end our relationship. I knew things hadn't been right for a couple of weeks leading up to this, he had become pretty distant, wasn't showing me any affection but we weren't arguing and everything else in the relationship was good. I eventually confronted him, and we had a conversation that lead to him admitting that whilst he still loved me his feelings towards me had changed and he needed his own space to work on himself. I moved out utterly heartbroken as I couldn't believe that after 7 years it would be that easy to end everything!
After a week of no real communication we got together for a chat where he said that he didn't want to cut me completely out of his life but didn't want a full-on relationship at the moment but proposed that we began dating again to see if we could “reignite the spark” with no real idea of where it might lead. It could lead to us getting back together it might not... but we would be exclusive to each other .
This conversation took place a week ago and I have seen him twice since then just to hang out really at our house and have been in contact by text every day. He today told me that he is going to be moving closer to his work and moving in with a colleague which means an hour’s drive away from me.
If I had it my way we wouldn't have broken up in the first place and would have instead tried to work through the issues but up until now every decision has been made for me which has been incredibly hard.
I now find myself wondering what the best way forward is, although he has given me some hope by saying that he still wants to date and try and rekindle the spark he has also crushed any hope I have by moving further away from me and saying that ok ye we’ll date but it might not actually lead to our relationship being given another go. I now find myself in this weird limbo where I don’t really know what to do and crying on a daily basis! I have read your article and have found it very helpful. Could you advice what you think would be best to do? Thanks.
Dating again to re-kindle the spark immediately after the breakup doesn't usually work well, because not enough time has passed since then for real changes to have been made for fresh feelings to develop. Additionally, old habits would still remain, and it could easily turn into a situation where you face all the problems of a relationship, but not the full benefits of it since you guys are only 'dating'. I suggest taking some time off to actually focus on yourself since he is doing the same, and gauge the situation again later on.
What should I need to do ? I am on day 8 of no contact it's really hard specially I am seeing him online all the time. We've been together for 7 years. But recently for the past 2 years we do not see each other in person due to long distance tho we've been seeing each other in webcam. We had some argument he keeps telling we are going to see each other in person but he never make plan. I find out Jan 1st this year he traveled to Dubai to spend vacation with Indonesian girl.(before that incident I caught him sexting with that girl, that Indonesian lady asking him to send her a porn he said they haven't see each other yet and the girl was virgin he said it was nothing ugh I'm so stupid to believe)
I'm so hurt because I've been longing to see him for 2 years but he never came back to see me in person. When I confronted him that I knew about that girl he said like this ;
"Stop texting me for 2 weeks I cannot take this"?
It would do you better to walk away from this since he has already prioritized another female over you and has even expressed his disinterest, which might have been caused by the loss of spark or interest after so many years.
Hy Ryan
There's this guy that had a crush on me,and i also loved him.We where in the same class.He's a shy type,he couldn't tell me his mind.people started calling me his name.we quarrelled cos he's friend also had feelings towards me.he once askd me if he (his frnd) luvs me and i said he doesn't.we both quarrelled cos he beared a girl's name.He blocked me on all social networks.It took us 10 months to reconcile.He came back first.bt right now he hasn't said anything to me abt dating.I want to know if he still luvs me
You could start by being friends with him first then finding out more from there.
Hello.
After 20 years and with shared custody, 2 boys.
I find it hard with no contakt. We going both to our soons sportsevent. She always choose to sit next to me. I keep it as formally as possible and just talk about our soons sport and school.
Anymore I should do?
You could follow this article for more guidance on having to see your ex on a constant basis.
Hi Ryan,
I was with my ex for 5 years. I broke up with him 6 months ago when I came to realize that I needed to work on my self confidence and he to work on his ability to show emotions. I applied NC without realizing it. He eventually reached out once per month in a friendly way, but nothing more than that.
I gave it 6 months time because I was scared that I was just afraid of being alone. Turns out, I really want him back and to spend the rest of my life with him. I've had a lot of self reflection.
He agreed to meet me and, at first, seemed really excited. We had a great first two hangouts. Then, on the third, I confessed that I wanted to get back together. I acted desperately, when I should have played it cool. He said he's enjoying focusing on himself right now and that it's not where he's at anymore. He didn't outright say it, but I'm afraid he's moved on.
Is it too late? What do I do now? This was one week ago and I'm devastated. I'm afraid too much time will pass and he will never want to get back together.
Thanks for your help.
Since it has been 6 months, he may have gotten used to the idea of life without you. That doesn't mean however that he's moved on. It isn't hopeless but if you really do want him back, you would have to re-create the spark with him so that he would fall for you once more.
Hi, Can you please delete the comment with Sascha up above. I can't delete my own comment, but I would not like it public. Thank you for your response.
Hello,
My name is Timea and I am 21 years old and had a long-distance relationship for 7 months. I am really glad that I have found your site, the NC wasn't so lonely and hard as I was expecting thanks to your advice. You helped me a lot and gave amazing tips, that gave me unexpected results, so thank you very much!
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago because of the distance and the fact that he has lost feelings for me (about this he wasn't really certain though...). I have accomplished NC succesfully and got in touch again with him in the begining of December. We started to have small talks, videochating occasionally and we have even achieved an active snap activity. However, recently, to be more exact, when going back to school he started to be distant and cold. I know that he has a lot of work as now he is in exam period, but he always replies short and almost after 24 or 16 hours, which is not typic of him.
I am concerned that he might got scared or started to keep distance because in the last 2 conversation I started to try to build up attraction. As he knows all my lady charm tricks, I think he figured out what I am trying to do... I feel the need of a break, so I have decided to give myself 2 weeks of free time, as I don't want to end up again desperate and needy, and I feel like these 2 weeks would be enough time for him to finish the exams and to get used again to the school life.
I would like to ask you if you could help me out with a piece of advise about how could I rebuild attraction without him realizing what I am doing? He knows my tricks and methods, so I would need new ones but don't have a clue what should I do to charm him but still be myself. I would like to build up at least a little bit of attraction till March, as I will be in his town for a week, and I know that that week will be decisive in what will happen next. Could you please give me some examples or a direction how should I approach him in a romantic way without scaring him?
Sometimes we're just so aware of how we're acting and the intentions we bring across that whatever we do becomes unnatural. It's important to be yourself at the end of the day and build up a bond without such 'motives' in mind. Remember how he fell for you the very first time. It wasn't because of motives but simply two people who connected and liked each other. That's how you should be going about things.
Hi Ryan,
He finished the exams but not writing anymore... I tried to text him, but he acted cold and careless, he also stopped to send or reply on snaps. I don't want to push him but also don't know what should I do? In April I am visiting in his town, but haven't told him about it as he acts like an ice-prince. Any advice what should I do now? I don't want to seem desperate and needy in front of him...
Is like went back to 0 or 0,5 as we know each other. This whole situation becomes weird, like he is trying to make me to boost out in words... It is frustrating. Could you please help?
Thank you very much
Hey Ryan, so I’m not worried that she’s seeing other people, atleast not yet. She didn’t date much before me and from everything I can tell, she isn’t dating much or at all right now. She initiated the breakup and asked to still be friends, but she’s got an icy demeanor towards me just about anytime we interact. She’s said that she’s mad at me but refuses to tell me what about. Something is bothering her but she’s not telling me and I promise I’m not calling her everyday, begging her or anything like that. It’s been a couple months like this and it’s after no contact ended, how can I get her to start communicating with me?
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said " no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
He does not seem emotionally capable of dealing with serious issues and would rather avoid it altogether, hence why he leaves you in a state of limbo because he himself doesn't want to deal with it. Sometimes in this case, it would be better for you to make the choice and stick with it because he may never do it on your behalf.
You mean I should move on because he can't tell me directly that he moved on and money issues its just exuses? Honestly I didn't get what you mean . What should I do in this case?
At this point, he may feel confused, maybe even having lost interest in you. But he does not want to deal with the thoughts and emotions of it. That's why he chooses to avoid this topic altogether whenever it is brought up, which may be reinforced by the fact that you do not pursue the matter whenever he says he isn't sure. If you do not wish to walk away from this relationship, you should not allow him to give you further 'I don't know's for an answer and ask him to tell you honestly how he feels.
Few months ago I asked him tell me truth and I'll walk away from you life , but he said I don't have an answer and if I'll deal my life's troubles I'll come to you to marry , but now live your life ...etc, then he was keeping in touch sometimes , and now just silence from him. I gave up and don't bothering him anymore too, I'm trying NC , also I disappeared from all my social nets, but I think it will useless in my case, he can't solve his difficulties
Hi Ryan, dude where are you? I really need your help. I’m really trying to not a mistake here man. It’s been maybe half a month since the NC.. it’s been working like a charm.. couples days ago my ex sees me at work and days I looked good and like I’ve changed..also that I was happy. She text me that same day saying how much she missed my presence in her life, how she missed her best friend. I didn’t respond and then she text me a photo saying remember the good times.. also said she was going thru her phone deleting pics of us and didn’t know which to keep. I then replied I miss you too. We started chatting back in forth and remembering all the good things. She texted me all night. Then the next day says she loves me and misses.. I tell her too. We talked a lot about how much we loved one another. Don’t know if that was a right move ..yesterday she sends me a message at work that was a song. “Baby while were young , let’s do what we want, I want you, you’re mine and I don’t care who’s know it, I’m down for you” just a few things she sent me! I’m confused because after work I waited to talk with her but she ran out quickly and I’m sure when went to meet up with someone else. She didn’t go home last night. She also didn’t text me anymore.. so confusing what’s going on.. not sure what to do or expect! Please help dude! I really want her back and I can’t tell if I messed up the NC rule. She definitely has been seeing someone else lately. Please write me back soon.. she wants to me up tonight to go eat. Don’t know if I should go
I don't think you messed up NC, but rather she's confused right now over what she wants. It might be a good idea to find out more, since NC is complete and if she isn't that serious with whoever she's going out with, I think still winning her back would be the right move.
My ex texted me Merry Christmas on 23Dec, I replied Thank you. Later, he updated his status and unblocked his page to me. His status told me He's sick, should take medicines - those I bought for him. I read all of the status and decided to let him go, that's why I texted him Farewell, wished him all the best. He replied "thank you and he's not with anyone now". On receiving the messages, I started the NC since then. On 30Dec he texted me Happy New Year, I waited 1 day to check it and didnt respond. Since Christmas, I updated my page with fun and neutral info, showing how I enjoyed the holidays. On Jan2, he liked one of my status. I'm confused. I've been struggling before the no contact to live the life before him, now I still suffer. What should I do next? I once imagined my life without him, felt very bad and hurtful, but got to the point that I should accept it.
You'll have to decide if you still want him back. Since you've been on no contact, complete it first. It would seem like he does miss you to some extent so you could always contact him again when you feel ready.
Hey, Ryan.
My boyfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago. Our relationship lasted for 2 years. At first, he said he wanted some time and space. And then suddenly, he broke up with me and told me that he wants to spend his with his family and friends. I also think that all the bad memories of us were the only ones that stayed on his mind. He blocked me on all social media sites and also my number. We just talked yesterday and talk about the things that didn't work out. He also told me that he'd unblock me and work out on being friends. I'm planning on starting NC but we have the same circle of friends where we see each other often and we work together, what do you suggest that I would do? How can I make him miss me and realize all the good things that has happened to us.
Since you work together, it would be good to show him how well you're doing and how happy you are whenever he sees you. This is similar to displaying it on social media during the no contact period of the changes you've made to yourself except in real life.
Hello!
Me and my boyfriend broke up about a week ago. He's in high school still and I'm a freshman in college. We were together for 10 months and I still have such strong feelings for him.
He broke up with me because we had been arguing for about 3 weeks on and off and he is not willing to forgive me for that, and he didn't like the fact that I was being harsh with him. I recognize that I was, but there have been periods of time when he's been cold towards me too and I forgave him and moved on.
He doesn't want to talk much about the breakup or the reasons, he's never been one to open up and share his feelings, but he says there's no going back from what happened. Yet, when I ask him if he sees a possibility of us working out in the long term, he says yes. I can't tell if he means that or is just saying it, but what should I do to get him back in the long term? I have already broken the rule of trying to convince him and have tried remaining in contact with him, but I am going to stop contacting him completely now.
That's good Emily, initiate No Contact first and give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions or thoughts. He may very well be serious about the possibility of working out, but that's definitely not something that can be achieved right now.
My ex and I have been talking ever so slightly lately but nothing substantial. About a month ago I asked her in person if she was mad at me and she said yes bc of stuff I said to another person. She didn’t tell me what I said or who I said it to. Honestly I have no clue. She added how she thought it was funny how I said that we would get back together one day(she dumped me) but that I closed the door on us even being friends. She’s only 23 and I’m the only person she dated. I’m having a hard time getting her to talk to me about it. A bit afraid to ask her in person bc she’s always surrounded with her friends at work and don’t feel it’s appropriate to show up at her home. She won’t reply to a text that involves talking about why she’s upset. What do I do? What are my options here?
Well if she's not willing to talk about it at the moment, it's better to give her the space she needs for now. Give her some time before you consider talking to her once more.
Hello, Happy New Years! I’m a little nervous. Just held out for a party and was checking my snaps and noticed my ex who I am actively trying to get back is out at a party. Noticed a mutual female friend had similar snaps and realized my ex is at our mutual friends house. The mutual friend has a brother who I know is attracted to my ex and my ex is attracted to him too. My ex is 23 and the guy is only 16 or 17 but I’ve seen them flirt since we broke up and I have a feeling if he was older she’d be open to the idea of going out with him, but nervous there’s going to be flirting that might end in a kiss at midnight or further feelings developing. I know there’s nothing I can do to prevent that, but please advise how I can process the possibility and if something was to happen, which I would probably not find out about. How do I keep my cool moving forward? We have been broken up for a few months now with minimal contact. Please advise.
Depending on how it went, my suggestion would be to continue without contact and potentially move on. If you feel this way, it means you aren't over her yet, but she's starting to date other people so it's better for you not to linger behind or you'll be feeling affected every time you see her with another guy.
hi kelvin,based on your reply am editing my comment and so please i need your help now please.what is the red sign kelvin last time i saw on my comment thank you
I've been through 3 years with my ex girlfriend. We were having a good time before and discuss about our future and last 3 months she just texted that she's sure that she wanted to marry me. And yet suddenly something happen 1 week after her birthday party. At that time i found shes hiding our photo in instagram then i ask her why you do that ? Why you hide me in your social media. Then she found her reason that a week after she say that she needs a break. Than the reason is she feels bored and wanted to be alone. And im being needy at that time.i just keep asking her to go with this relationship despite we are too deep inside. With her and her family.
Then she say she dont want to and 1 week after my sister bday i ask her sister where she could be ? Because my sister invited her to my sister birthday party and she dont even reply it. Then suddenly at night she texted me that why you texted my family. Now everybody know and she tell me that she cant be with me anymore because we keep arguing and stuff. And she say for now she cant be in a relationship kind of thing.
Its been 6 weeks after we broke up and i do the no contact kind of thing.
Ive wanted to reached her out first. What do you suggest me to do? Please i need help !!
My suggestion is to either write her a letter or drop her a text. You can find ways to reach out to her using text with this article
OK I will start with my flaws.
am a very inquisitive person, and jealous as well.
we have been dating for 2 years 8 months..
we have been fine all along, we tell ourselves every thing,
we graduated from the same high school.
we have been pretty OK till she started a programme.
she's on a year programe in another city, we see once in a month. which isn't enough closure for me. she's been on this program for about 5months now. I feel due to this she lost attraction towards me, as we only see once a month, and our calls or texts ended up in arguments.
so how we broke up.
she came over a weekend to the city am in, and lied she wasnt coming that weekend.
I found out, and started calling her all sort of names, insults and all.
she then told me she didn't want to tell me about her coming cause I would have pressured her to see me, which wasn't part of her plans.
and due to the Insults. she broke up with me.
we still talk, we chart, but I initiate the conversations. she replies normally and end it with,hope you know we not coming back together.
when she came back for the Xmas/new year, we saw, she asked me to bring over food and drinks on Xmas day, I did, I kissed her but lightly, and said our good nights, cause I didn't want to push it far.
the next day was her birthday.
I decided to take her out.
we ate and talked about us, she was still defensive with her wanting to break up, on our way home, I asked for a kiss in a transportation vehicle and she looked at me in the eyes and pecked my lips.
which is rare cause she's shy in public places.
I walked her home while we did chart, and she told me we can't be doing clingy things as she's looking forward to moving on. and can't do all this when she finds a new man.
I told her I loved her and am not giving up on us, and I would change My ways of been to inquisitive and jealous and I left.
the next day she uploads a picture we took of her and said thanx bae for picking out my dress. I asked her who she was calling bae, and she said a friend of hers , he calls her bae but they are just friends.
I asked her sister if she knew about the guy and she said, my girlfriend told her she was only using that to push me away.
3days later she's still talking about breaking up with me.
she's OK with me going over her place to see her when I ask to see her. but we just tend to hang around her street and talk. which isn't so comfortable for me if you know what I mean.
and when ever I asked her to come over my place she disagrees.
what do I do
I love her so much
I mean we don't get to see commited girls this days or a good dedicated one
I really care and want her back
she's going back soon to start her program after the new year
what do I do
Take things slow, and don't pressure her to get back together if she isn't ready. Work on your issues and prove to her that you can be the man she wants you to be and things would probably work itself out from there.
hi kelvin, I broke with my boyfriend before six months after long relationship means five years he is 27 and am 28. we live in distant to work and only met to holiday and to break.we had no any sex history during those years I said to him sex must be after marriage and he said ok .before a year I said to him i don't want him anymore but not from my bottom but the reason was we were in distant specially I was working in harsh environment plus and community and i was always want him in my side means I was always waiting my boyfriend to visit me but he was always busy this was the reason. and his friend call me and ask why i became like this and i understood my fault and I was calling to him but he was ignoring me and one day he was picking my calls and we were talk and regret each other and i back to my family to searching job and within two months we dated only two days but I need more date with him but he was busy and I was going to his work place and asking him why ignoring my calls and he said that he need clear cut I said why and we're plan to date and to talk about it but we didn't met. As he said now he was waiting my calls first but I was trying but he ignoring me after that I always messaged to him but no respond and again I was going to his work place with gifts he was surprised and dated to the next day and we did and I was asking why he was ignoring my calls he said he don't want me any more he need freedom without stress and expose him self new hobbies like smoking cigarette ,drunk alcohol and chewing stimulate plants and i did no contact to 30 days and i did text to him no respond and what can I do next
I had a girlfriend of 4 years that started right before we both attended college. The sex was great, relationship was awesome, we both were givers. We even made it work while she attended school 7 1/2 hours away for an entire year. I recently moved 4 hours away for a job and as soon as I did, the relationship took a turn. It was a pain to get her to come visit me, and whenever I went and visited her I always had to hang with her and her friends. No alone time. We kept getting in fights and eventually she ended it by saying she wasn't in love with me anymore. I went nuts for a few weeks until I found your work and initiated NC. She got back in touch with me after a few weeks and I arranged a date.
The date went very well (she did most of the talking) and we went to a few places afterwards. Eventually, she dropped a hint that she wanted to go to her apartment. While there we had plenty of alone time and she put herself in multiple situations where things could happen but was not exhibiting any obvious signs. She did this the rest of the night and it confused the hell out of me.
A few days later she got in contact with me and I arranged another date. Breakfast was all I could do due to me leaving for home. It went well. So well, that she wanted to see me once more before I left. On this date she mentioned that she would be in my city in April, and that we should get drinks when she's there. Once again, no signs that she wanted to be kissed during this date either. She even said "I know you want to kiss me, but it's not going to happen" and I was kind of bummed. I followed her to the interstate and before I got on it I decided to try my luck and I told her to pull over. She said "No, I know you want to kiss me and it's not happening" so I kept my cool. On the way home, she called me and I mentioned to her that she could come out to my place to visit me next weekend. As soon as I said this, she got very angry and told me that the dates were just to "keep our friendship" and that we aren't dating anymore. She went on to tell me she had already slept with another guy. I kept my composure as best as I could but needless to say this really confused me. Where did I go wrong?
She could be confused still, unable to let go of the past, or perhaps she wants to start off as friends first and is trying to see how she still feels about you. There could also be the last option that she really just wants to maintain a friendship with you and is over you already. I suggest you take things at face value for now since it would be easier compared to second guessing at every turn. Just continue to build up a friendship and bond, before seeing how things go from there. Don't be too impatient or you would push her away completely.
Its been 2 weeks ive started the no contact rule. I broke it once on Christmas day wishing her a merry Christmas. She didn't reply ive left it alone. Just wondering how long untill i make contact with her again and ive make successful changes and avhieved my goals I've made.. just want to know how to approach and what to say to her.. Regards Theo Thanks.
Hello,
It’s been a little over three months since my ex and I broke up. I’ve completed no contact and given my ex space, a task someone difficult because we work together. I never begged or been pushy did the right moves based on advice given on here and other places. She’s still will barely talk to me and will barely reply to text messages. Typically she’ll reply to the initial message, but getting a second reply doesn’t happen much. Back in September I purchased a Christmas gift for her and even though we broke up I still sent it to her on Friday. She replied thank you for the gift. You didn’t need to. Merry Christmas! Attached to the gift was a clean slate letter. She made no mention of it. I told her she was welcome for the gift. I asked her if she was going to be up for talking soon to clear the air. She never replied back. She isn’t seeing anyone, nor did we have a bad breakup. Since the breakup I have found out that she is mad at me about something I said but I don’t know what I said or who I said it to and she won’t tell me. We’ve had some positive interactions as of late at work, but she’s got a wall so high up now. Where do I go from here? Three months, no contact completed, clean slate letter given, space given, showed activity on social media sites as well and not much recoconcilation has occurred. What can I do? Or is it time to accept the fact that I’m not going to get her back?
Hi ive been dating my partner for 6 months now. Everything was going perfect for us both.she fell pregnant and i proposed and we got engaged what we both wanted we were both so happy.she decided to have an abortion due to we both wernt financially stable and didnt plan the pregnancy.its was an emotional time for both of us individually. I unfortunately didnt show her support or comfort her during this life changing experience and i made a regretful unmeanful decision and broke up with her.we have been separated for 2 months now and we meet up a month ago caught up for 2 days she mentioned her feelings we still there altho she doesnt want any comments on a relationship at this stage. Until i become more stable and fix some issues i have in my life.I have acknowledged my behavior as i was expressing my hurt emotions and feelings towards her and i begged alittle and didny get me anywhere.. she isnt respondingto my messages or call I've respect our situation and havnt its been bit over 2 weeks ive made no contact,until Christmas day i wished her a merry Christmas i didnt get a reply. Im making positive changes in my life and improving my issues. I need some professional guidance and advice aswell as steps to reconnect with my ex.. I sincerely appreciate your understanding and support. Regards Theo
Hey,
So my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago after a 3 months relationship & several months of talking & getting to know each other really well (starting in the summer but wasn’t a fling). He is 24, I am 21, we felt serious, he would mention marriage. We had many common goals & other things & he loved that. Commitment/marriage seemed serious to him, he was all about values & didn’t like relationships where he wasn’t sure about marriage (I was a little hesitant about it). I was getting out of a breakup as well & vented to him a lot in the first 1-2 months/I mentioned the ex sometimes which he didn't like & looking back I shouldn't have done.
We're both in school so things started to get stressful a month in. We fought once a week then multiple times a week, all on text. I feel we started to focus on positive things less, he said he didn't feel connected as much but everytime we saw each other, it's like we hadn't fought. We both acknowledged we couldn't see each other to work things out as much. After another fight, he broke it off, saying we fought too much, didn't feel trust, school/finals stress, & that we should take a break. We kept talking for like 2 weeks after saying we could work things out & even saw each other a week after the breakup. It felt like we still really wanted to make it work. That last time I saw him, he mentioned this classmate who he was talking about past relationships with (including ours) & I didn't like it but didn't think anything of it. She is 18 & he said he’d never be interested in her since she’s young, stuck-up, & have nothing in common. I mentioned a guy my friend was trying to set me up with to help me move on (I told my ex I wasn't interested) but he didn't like it. A week later, we got into the worst fight after my other ex messaged me after months (but I told him I denied him) then we didn’t talk for 2.5 weeks.
So then I see a picture on insta of him & that girl & messaged him finding out they started dating less than a week after our last fight because “they just clicked” & right after finals he went to her house out of state & met her parents (she is rich & apparently has her own house). He said they really like each other but don’t love each other yet & isn’t even thinking about marriage. I told him it didn't make sense why he's with her & he said he had a change of heart/things happened fast. We had an ugly fight after that because I was so angry, it was the worst one & he said that’s why he left me. I made a lot of mistakes, really seeming needy but he’s blocked me on everything telling me he really likes her & I need to respect that. I said I did & just wanted to talk/be friends (which he said too) but he’s blocked me. I think it’s a rebound but he broke up with a girl like a month before meeting me & he says he completely shuts out exes. It doesn’t seem like they match but that he really likes her. I don’t know what to do but just really want him back since I’m committed to him but I feel like the more they’re together, they’ll fall in love & I’ve already made myself look like a fool. Help!
Thank you!
Start by not contacting him any further. Apply No contact to give yourself some distance from the situation and to give him space. Spend this time to work on yourself and improve your life. Right now he is dating someone else, and you should not interfere, because it will lead to him thinking you're desperate and start getting annoyed or resentful towards you. If you really want to be with him, you'll have to wait until he contacts you first, or if they break up. Doing anything now related to him will only push him further away from you.
Hi,sorry if my english is bad, but it isn't my first language.
I'm 26, and he is 27 years old. We were together for 9 months and I meet his friends and family.
7 days ago he broke up with me. Reason for breaking up was that he doesn't have time for me, that he isn't sure what he wants, maybe it's other girls, but he has everything he wants with me, so he needs time to think. But I think that he has someone else now.
Few days after the break up he sent me a message that he is thinking of me every day, and i replyed to him after an hour that i'm glad that it's like that.
I know where i was making mistake in our relationship, i was always there and available for him, almost like i didn't have my own life. Now I don't know how to repair mistake and how to get him back?
Thank you
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue. We've been slowly declining for a while, and I would bring up the fact that I felt like things weren't going good all the time, but he always ignored my pleas for better communication. It finally came to a head and I broke up with him, and then quickly took it back the next day and we decided to get back together. Things seemed to be going really well and then he broke up with me, also saying he needs time and space. During these 2 weeks I've come to realize that a lot of the problems were me. I was so emotionally dependent on him, and I would turn negative if I couldn't be with him. He was my source of happiness and I didn't realize that until that was gone. I've been working on recognizing my problems and fixing them, because in the end I want him back. I really believe that now that I know what the problems were that he never told me during the relationship, if we were to try again, it would be really successful. I broke no contact a few times and was regrettably desperate in asking for him to come back and work on things, to which he kept saying he needs time and space and he's taking that for himself. I don't know if I should wait for him to reach out since I've reached out so many times (but will not anymore!!) But I'm afraid he won't and will just move on without me. The fact that he said he needs time and space makes me believe like he wants to revisit the idea of us getting back together, but that may just be me overthinking it. I just want him to see all the progressive I have been making so he can realize even though I may have lost my way and gotten too attached, my intentions were always pure and my love was always real. How do I get him back?
I would suggest completing No Contact first and if he doesn't contact you during this period, to initiate contact once again after the period has ended.
Hello,
So here's my situation. I've had a relationship for the past 3.5 years. For a long time prior to those years she had a huge crush on me, but i never really did anything with it. Even still we got together. During the relationship i never really felt i was truly in love with her, at least i thought so. But i also need to mention that i was smoking weed on a daily basis. (She hated that) Which resulted in me not to be able to express my feelings in the right way, or even to be having' feelings. During this time i was unemployed and living in her house pretty much rent-free, and even still she was the sweetest girl in the world for me. (make's me sick to my stomach even thinking about that now) I was a really selfish guy over the years, never surprised her or anything like that and have been taking' her for granted During the entire relationship. Never really considered her feelings. (Again, sick to my stomach) So due to text messages she started building a emotionally relationship with some guy she met a bar way back before our relationship. Can't really blame her for that giving the fact i was emotionally unavailable due to smoking weed. It always stayed with text messaging she claims and i believe her. This lasted from May to August. I forgave her. Last September we've been on holiday together, for here it was a sort of last attempt to save our relationship. Which i didn't knew at the time. So i continued in my own selfish ways, and continued smoking weed. She was slipping right from under my nose and i didn't even noticed. After the holiday we've stayed together until November 10th which is when she dumped me. Again, cant blame her, thinking back i am surprised she even last this long with me. Since then i have stopped smoking weed, cant even stand the smell of it, got a job, and starting to express my emotions again. Needless to say that i want her back, in fact i feel like im in love with her. She says its to late, that she really would want it but that her feelings for me has changed. However, she does keep contacting me, even send some nudes and stuff like that but still don't want te be in a relationship anymore. Also does she really badly wants to stay friends and gets really upset if i suggest to brake contact, just because i cant handle this form of contact we are having right now, simply because i want her back so badly. Do think NC will do the trick? I've been trying it 2 times already but never got past 2/3 days as she keeps calling/texting me and i feel bad for her and cave. And its hard for me as well of course. Sorry for my English, im from Europe.
Kind regards,
Woodzs
NC would help because right now although she's still in contact with you, the fact remains the same that she won't give you another shot. You have to give her some time to change that train of thought and by showing her you've changed. This is hard to see when she's still in constant contact with you. Complete NC and work on your issues before coming back and asking her for a second chance.
My ex ended things 2 weeks ago. Initially he said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship anymore and needed to think about things but didn't want to end things completely. At first he was lovely, reassuring me he still cared about me it was just a case of timing and wanted to stay in contact whilst he figured things out. But I pressured him into making a decision the more I text the more annoyed he got and ended things completely. Initially I made the mistake of trying to change his mind, he reluctantly replied at first but the stopped responding completely. I started NC 2 weeks ago and then today he deleted me off all social media. I panicked and messaged him asking how his Christmas was, he read and didn't respond. I don't know what him deleting me means and what I should do about it? Should I re start no contact or is this his way of saying he's moved on? We are both in our 20's and were together for 2 months.
You guys weren't together for a long time so him moving on would be dependent on how meaningful the 2 months were. Typically someone blocking you would be his way of wanting to avoid you, and this could because you were acting needy by trying to change his mind. Continue with NC but spend this time to work on your issues, and at the end of it, if he has unblocked you, you could try initiating contact to see where he stands. Bear in mind that there is a small likelihood he has moved on already due to the length of the relationship, and may have blocked you as a way of 'indicating' those feelings.
Thank you for your reply, he has not blocked me just deleted me, I got the impression that it was out of anger but I’m not sure. He has not blocked my phone number so should I message when NC is over?
Yes, you should.
Hey.
My ex and I have been together for 6 months and he broke up with me last Saturday over the phone. We were each other's first loves. We've had the 'Honeymoon' phase but from around 2 months into the relationship up until our recent breakup, we've been having arguments based on jealousy, mistrust and miscommunications. We would make up the day after the argument and be good then have another argument a few days later. Most of the arguments were started by me due to my overthinking, insecurities and accusations. We broke up once in September over some trust issues and an argument, but got back together after a week. He said he needed time off to forget the pain and it was him who apologised asked me back. Anyway, this time we've had constant arguments for a week straight before the breakup, he said the mistrust and me always starting shit was too much for him and that he's lost the attraction for me. I haven't been needy after the breakup and haven't done any of the 5 things to avoid. I have took time to reflect on my behaviours and realised my mistakes. I really wish we could start again. I've only texted him 2 days after the breakup, saying "hey" and asking him how he is. He responded rather quick and said he's "decent". I haven't texted him back ever since and neither did he. Should I start the NC period now? And for how long should it last? Is there anything else I can do to contribute towards getting back together?
Regards.
Since you guys shared a meaningful relationship, there would be a chance for you guys getting back together but you have to work on those issues first or the same problems would occur again. I suggest applying NC and spending time and focus on those issues like trust, insecurities and overthinking. Understand why you feel this way and try to change it. The best thing you can contribute in getting back together is to change yourself as that's always the most effective.
Hi Kevin. Ive been dating this girl for 6months everything was moving perfect for us both. She fell pregnant and i proposed to her and we were engaged. She decided to have an abortion due to finacially we both wernt stable and ready. I was abit emotionally about the abortion as she was assell experiencing a life changing procedure. Things became abit difficult both of us dealing with our emotions and feelings at the time.I made the wrong regretful decision by ending it and i unfortunately didnt show her support an comfort. Its been extremely hard an difficult dealing with this whole situation. Its nearly been 2 months we nearly been separated for now.she says i need to fix my issues and become stable and she doesnt want no relationship at this stage.. which im coming to terms of and making positive changes in my life..its been just over 2 weeks i havnt contacted her until yesterday wishing her merry Christmas but no reply.. so ive just left it.. Deep down i sincerely love this girl with my entire heart and i would appreciate advice and guidience aswell as steps to reconnect with her.kind regards.
If you guys have been broken up for about 2 months since, and she still has not replied you,you might have to consider the fact that she has moved on. If you're prepared to wait it out and chase her again, then I suggest giving her a little more time before you try reconnecting once again.
I don't believe she has moved on.. after our break up we were still incontact an evan meet up for dinner ect. Its been just over 2 weeks she has asked me to concentrate on myself and make successful positive changes and she not making commitments for a relationship at this stage. How long should u wait until i make contact via email and how to write a letter and what to say? Regards Theo
Its been 2 weeks ive started the no contact rule. I broke it once on Christmas day wishing her a merry Christmas. She didn't reply ive left it alone. Just wondering how long untill i make contact with her again and ive make successful changes and avhieved my goals I've made.. just want to know how to approach and what to say to her.. Regards Theo Thanks.
You should wait until you've completed NC at least before writing her a letter or an email. You can refer to this article on what you should do after no contact has ended.
Hi! I broked up with my boyfriend one month and a week ago, I broked up with him because he became distant with no reason, he was being very dry with me and I always asked him if I was being a good girlfriend and he always said that I was perfect. We didn't have any problems during our relationship of 3 months. So, I broked up with him through a text "I don't want to be with you anymore" and he replied that it was a good relationship but we were having many issues and that life made it complicated, so it was better to break up. I don't know if I want him back because he became distant out of the blue, he didn't call me or text me as much as before and he said "he was busy with his job" but I knew he had free time. I just want to know why he didn't want to be with me if things were going well between us, I don't know what my mistake was. I haven't talked to him since we broked up, I deleted him from social media that day because I didn't want him to talk to me. What did I do wrong in the relationship? Should I text him or should I let it go? Thank you, merry Christmas!!
It could be that there were things he didn't feel okay about but never shared with you, or it could have been completely for no reason and he started taking the relationship for granted (hence the lack of effort), which is common for many relationships that have gotten too comfortable. If you really want to know, I suggest speaking to him and asking him to be honest.
Hey,my long distance boyfriend just broke up with me after an ugly fight. He is working and I am a final year student. He thinks that I am not serious about my career and so instead of being with him, I should focus on that. But I am not able to get over him. I am working pretty well in my career but he doesn't understand. Also, he always comes up with an excuse of not having time as he is busy with his office stuff. But as I said, I love him a lot. I am going to his city next week for an interview. Please suggest me if I should meet him and fix things or not.
You first have to understand if him saying that you're unable to focus on your career is a legitimate worry he has or if it's an excuse to end things. That would determine if you should contact him, because if it's a real concern he has, and you are able to convince him that you can stay focused and still be with him, then you should try to fix things.
Hi,
Going through a current period of separation from a 5 year relation ship and found this website very helpful indeed. I moved out after 8 months of abuse largely control , emotional and eventual physical against me. It was a slow painful devaluaion and discard.
I have sustained a period of 30 days and now looking at trying again. I have identified several areas where i have needed to change and continued to develop. Some of these no doubt contributed to the split.
She initiated split via text and was particularly mean. I ignored a subsequent 2 calls. Was then told that it was me that have given up. Very confusing.
She hasn't moved on as far as I am aware but made signs that she was starting to get used to being "single" Therefore I consider this point in time the final attempt to salvage. I have dug deep and think she is worth it but want to avoid a repeat. She Will not firmly say it is over and avoids all discussion and attempts to get third party assistance or support. She still states she did nothing wrong. I think there could be undiagnosed mental health issues as the theme throughout the relationship has been there, just not quite right.
If she is not prepared to address some of her issues should i walk away. Or should after 5 years make a commitment to show I am serious and demonstrate my willingness to adapt.
Thanks
Everyone deserves to be happy and you shouldn't settle for less just because you've 'invested 5 years into the relationship and it would be a shame to give it up'. If you genuinely want to give it another shot, go ahead, but if the abuse continues and she does not change, I would suggest you be fair to yourself and walk away.
It’s been a little over three months since my ex and I broke up. I’ve completed no contact, given her space , never begged or been pushy did the right moves based on advice given on here and other places. She’s still will barely talk to me (we work together) and will barely reply to text messages. Back in September I purchased a Christmas gift for her and even though we broke up I still sent it to her on Friday. She replied thank you for the gift. You didn’t need to. Merry Christmas! Attached to the gift was a clean slate letter. She made no mention of it. I told her she was welcome for the gift. I asked her if she was going to be up for talking soon to clear the air. She never replied back. She isn’t seeing anyone, nor did we have a bad breakup. Since the breakup I have found out that she is mad at me about something I said but I don’t know what I said or who I said it to and she won’t tell me. We’ve had some positive interactions as of late at work, but she’s got a wall so high up now. Where do I go from here? Three months, no contact completed, clean slate letter given, space given, showed activity on social media sites as well and not much recoconcilation has occurred. What can I do? Or is it time to accept the fact that I’m not going to get her back?
Please am waiting your reply i didn't found it
Hi,
If your comment wasn't approved, it was probably because it didn't meet our comment guidelines.
Hi there I need your help. My girlfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. We pretty much argued a lot lately and she and I both had enough. I broke up with her in aug and we got back together. We pretty much argue about the same things. One major problem being her ex (child father) he would send her explicit things and we argued about that and the fact every chance he got he was hitting on her. To me she always made excuses for him saying take couldn’t block him or stop him because they had to communicate for child. To me seemed that she like him chasing her. She said I didn’t trust her but I’ve caught her in so many lies. Another large problem was she would sometimes lie about things..I couldn’t trust her which is one reason I didn’t want her communicating with oneone else. She said I was jealous and have a bad attitude. I felt she made me have one by not respecting our relationship and by entertaining other people. Anyways.. she broke up with me recently and says we will never work.. she said I didn’t care about her health or financial issues .. but lately she has me been pushing me away.. we work together so it’s hard to avoid her. I love her and want her back. We hit a bad patch and I’m willing to change. She has been flirting openly with another Co worker which I told her was disrespectful. Also same day we broke up I found out she slept with her ex. She denied it at first until I provided proof. I’m not innocent, I did flirt with someone else in her face while we were together to show her how it feels.. she hated but that was my point. I didn’t want her to break up with me..When we first broke up I didn’t everything this website said not to do. I even I friended her in Facebook which really pissed her off and she blocked my phone#. It’s only been 2 1/2 days since I’ve done the no contact things.. it’s driving me crazy and I can’t tell where her head is. I feel like I should be chasing her. Is this too far gone? Can I get her back?? So I leave it alone? It’s driving me crazy not being with her and not knowing what she is doing with other people
If you can't trust her right now, and there are major issues with the relationship, even chasing her and getting her back now would yield the same result as the previous time (in August). If you get back together with her, ideally you want the relationship to be better than before, not the same or what's the point? THIS is why you should leave it alone for now and disregard whatever your instincts are telling you because it isn't the way to win her back or sustain a lasting relationship. Work on your issues first and complete NC, then win her back with the changed you.
Hi thanks for the great advice! Also it’s hard with the NC rule due to we work together. Just today I talked with her for the first time in 4 days only because I have to at work. Although I said hello and merry Christmas, it was still strictly only work related . She was very dry with me even though it was only work related.
I understand it can be hard if you have to see your ex at work on a daily basis, however just proceed normally with your life as you normally would and avoid her unless necessary. It's unavoidable to have to come into contact and continue to talk to her about work related topics, but since she is acting dry, do not engage in any small talk beyond that.
Hi the NC seems to be working. At work she told me she misses me and missed my kisses. She also hinted of wanting to get back together. What should I do? Should I continue the NC rule? or just go with the flow ?
Hi Ryan, just a little update. Yesterday towards the end of work shift my ex talked. Wasn't my choice and was kind hard to avoid. She asked me to return a couple shirts of her ( shirts she only asked about when we broke up) I returned a couple shirts to her, only ones I could find. yesterday she insisted I had one more shirt and ask when could she have it or if I was keeping for memories. It was like she wanted to make small talk. I simply said I has not seen any more shirt and she became upset. tried to even argue with me about it. I was calm and cool the whole time. She said " smh, some things never change" I didn't understand why she was making a big deal out of nothing. anyways she ended being upset with me again for nothing. I feel like ive changed a lot. I kept cool and tried not to argue. I could tell she missed me and may have even been upset because I have not been contacting her at all. Not sure why it went left so quick. Help!
She could have probably gotten upset because she was expecting you to respond sweetly, since she hinted that you were keeping onto her shirt for memories and she probably wanted you to say yes.
Since she has felt this way, you could slowly warm back up to her. However, I would suggest continuing with NC because it may be too soon for changes to have occurred in both your lives, so if you guys get back together, the same issue might eventually surface again.
Hi Ryan, I've been feeling anxiety lately due to my ex has been dating her ex before me lately. It hurts so bad and its killing me because I love and miss her so much. Feels like she moved so fast and doesn't care about what we had, which is crazy to me. We had such a strong connection, yet she seems un phased with moving on. I feel like she is slipping away from me more and more each day. Like I should be pursuing her now. I remember she told me once she likes persistence chase after her. To see if you're willing to work to get her. I asked her before the nc thing started if she wanted me to stop chasing her. She said she wasn't sure if she did or didn't. my heart hurts because she spent Christmas and will spend new years with this other person. We were suppose to spend these times together before the break up. She text me yesterday and sent a photo and asked if I remember where it was from. it was a pic from a place we use to eat at all the time.. I replied yes..i couldn't tell if she was missing me or just letting me know she was at our place to eat with someone else.. I really want my girl back soon! :(
Hang in there. Sometimes people go back to their ex because they are unable or don't want to find someone new to rebound, so they try things out again with their ex. But most likely, your ex is probably rebounding with her ex. Focus on your anxiety and calming yourself down, and just pick yourself back up, before you consider anything again in the future.
Hi,
My ex broke up with me almost five months ago (over the phone, after being together for 1.5 years), and it devastated me. For about the first 2.5 months, I made a lot of mistakes, but have been good for the past two months. Over the last two months, I've made a lot of progress, but still miss her a lot. I truly think we could work things out, though her reasoning for leaving were that we fought a lot, I'm too invested in my career, she doesn't want to move and scared of being a single mother in the future because my career involves traveling. She also mentioned that I was controlling.
Over the past two months, I've made a lot of personal strides and feel better about myself and not nearly as sad as I once was. I still have moments where I break down because I truly loved the girl, and the breakup came out of nowhere. Jan. 30 is fast approaching, and that marks two years since we first met (I'm currently a senior in college, she's a junior). February marks a lot of what would be two-year anniversaries and I know it's going to be a tough month. I've received a lot of advice, had multiple deep conversations with my support group, but I truly want my ex back (different from needing her). How should I go about reaching out to her, as I was planning on it around the end of January. (I wrote her a handwritten letter at the end of September and the day after my birthday she sent me an email telling me she wanted to quit contact. I've had one outburst since then Halloween weekend.)
Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
Well, since January would have been some time since your last contact with her, you could always drop her a casual text to ask her how her New Year has been and see how she responds from there. If she doesn't respond positively, it might really do you justice and a big favor to walk away from this, and focus on moving on.
Hi,
I had to end relationship up with my girlfriend (5 years living together) due the fact she found another man to entertain her and she was not willing to make the decision: me or other guy. I tried this no contact rule and she keeps calling and texting me once a day (or so). If I did not answer her contacts, she is getting very upset and sends me irritating messages (like blaming me that I can't be trusted in serious situations). If I answer her because I assume that there was a really serious reason that she would call me, but there isn't. If we talk about weather and general stuff, it is fine. If or conversation goes to us or our past, she gets upset and tries to end the call. Last conversation she hinted me that if I would not call her more occasionally, I would waste my opportunity. She even encouriged to call her any time.
In this case, should i inform her that I would not contact her for a while, or still answer her calls but keep the conversation to general topics and avoid getting to serious topics? Or should I just ignore her (and might push her more away)?
R
The whole point of No Contact is to avoid conversations with her, general or relationship wise until you feel more sorted out emotionally to deal with things rationally. The only conversations that is encouraged is if it's a serious issue (financial matters, divorce paperwork, children, etc). You should tell her that you would like some space since the relationship has ended to work on yourself.
Hi there
My ex and I split up about a week ago and I also moved out of the country we were living in together. It was a mutual split up, we had huge highs and a loving relationship but we just kept arguing a lot and couldn't seem to fix this dynamic even thought we loved each otehr a lot. I now think we made a big mistake. Should I follow the NC zone rule or just get in touch now? ALso it is xmas coming up...
Thank you
You could get in touch to see his take on things, and if he isn't agreeable to get back together for whatever reasons, then proceed with NC.
hi my ex broke up with me about a week ago, but she still lives with me, we help each other out financially until i get another job after christmas, shes going out meeting new guys now, how should i conduct the no contact rule in my situation? and what should i do whilst shes here?
Create boundaries at home and limit the time spent there while she is around. Perhaps go out more, and even if you are at home, sleep in different rooms and engage in as little small talk as possible. You could use this article to provide you with more tips on what you can do while she's still around.
We were about to get married, I was getting the stone shaped for the ring, then she broke up with me. I'm not sure what exactly the reason is, because there are many. I'm a jealous person, and I will not apologize for being one, her attitude has always pushed me to say unnecessary things, like another guy hugs/kisses her and so on, I'm pretty sure that most men are like me, I am not OK with my women sharing her body with another even if she thinks it's innocent. Few days before we breakup, she went on a trip with her sister and friends and there was a guy with his gf Who used to live with her sister and her sister's husband, that guy has crossed the line many times, I always warned her about him and she felt upset when I talked like that about him and always defended him and justified his actions. Eventually, he started going in the hot tub while she was their with his gf and he sat next to her!!!!. He joined them and started touching her while knows that she's shy. I got mad at my fiancee and said unnecessary things. It made her so mad and she went in her room in the hotel and cried, then he followed her and saw her crying and hugged her. Then, she vented with him and he told her to breakup with me and she did!!!!!!!! This stranger we barely know did this to me!!! I've done so many stupid things to change her mind, even I was so close to hurt myself, you know. Anyways, we stopped talking for couple days then she contacted me while she was in the hot tub with her sister, him, his gf. But, all the sudden she freaked out because he touched her Va****... And yet, she justified for him and said it was an accident. I tried to act cool about it but I was burning inside. Now she doesn't wanna get back at all and admits that she has some feelings, yet, still saying it's impossible to get back together and it is over... I really don't know what to do, we broke up more than 2 weeks ago and we both are miserable. I followed your EBP tips and started no contact but she kept contacting and I fail and talk to her. I'm writing this long comment after I did what I think is a huge mistake, I sent her "I love you" and a kiss emoji on whatsapp. I guess she saw it and pretending like she didn't. I see nothing in this god damn planet but being together again and continue our beautiful dream. I can't move on, can't stop thinking, I failed to fulfill the EBP requirements, should I start over?? WHAT SHOULD I DO??!!!
The EBP requirements serve as a guideline but are not set in stone since every relationship situation is different. Currently, if you want a relationship where how you feel is accepted, and a partner who isn't naive, you'll have better luck in walking away and finding someone who fits that. If you still want to continue a relationship with her, then you're going to have to accept that being jealous and telling her off on being naive (even if you're right) are things that would only push her away. Instead of becoming angry (again, even if you have the right to be), I suggest talking to her in a more understanding way as that might make her more receptive to what you're saying as opposed to telling her off and she becomes defensive and justifies the other person's actions.
Right now, I suggest giving yourself some space to adapt to this mindset change before coming back into her life.
my boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. although it was a break up, he also said he just wants time and space to think about things and he would consider getting back together if major things changed, but he's not sure if that's possible. we had a really great relationship full of respect and trust, we just started to argue more and more and i think we need some time apart for him to realize the problems can be fixed and are not worth throwing out an amazing relationship over. we're both in college and on winter break, so i'm planning on reaching out when we both get back. i'm in the middle of no contact, but should i text him on christmas or new years? does this sound like a relationship that can be fixed?
Hey Olivia,
Yes, I think for a relationship like yours, it can be easily mended if both parties work at their differences together. It's normal for relationships to reach a point where arguments happen more often due to both parties inevitably taking each other for granted (by becoming too comfortable, impatient, etc). The issue here isn't that you guys have differences and need space to think if the relationship is worth it, but rather to both sit down together and sort your differences out.
thank you! i agree, but he keeps saying he needs time and space and as of right now, he thinks too much has happened between us that can't be erased. i was going through a hard time and that negativity may have brought him down, but he never told me how he felt until he ended things so i never had the chance to fix that. i'm hoping giving him this time and space he wants will make him realize it, but do you think it may just be too far gone in his mind? i really want a second chance since now i know what his problems with me were, i see how easily fixable they are. i just don't know how to show him that!
Well, perhaps it may have gone too far in his mind, but it doesn't matter because people get impulsive and exaggerated thoughts when they are emotionally affected by situations. These things can be changed, but may require a bit of time for him to let go of it. Just give him some time and space for now, but you could continue to talk to him casually as a friend and at least let him see that you're there for him.
I go back to school in 2 weeks and I wanted to reach out to him when we go back to see if he'd be open to talking. Is that enough time?
It should be, when school starts again, you could approach him casually like you would a friend and slowly build things up from there again.
Hey so me and my ex finished our relationship 2 years ago i started one but idk i keep having things remind me of him i always think of little stuff we used to do and me and my new partner are always fighting i went to this party were i saw my ex and his new girlfriend ( which is my ex best friend) their currently engaged but they were arguing and fighting i didnt say hi to them or i didnt show that i was affected by it but i still have that connection with him and idk maybe i just want to talk to him and let things right since he was my bestfriemd for almost 7 years sometimes i do miss him his biethday is coming up and idk if i schould DM him since idk if his girlfriend has his password and i domt want to seem like im desperate what do i do ??? I dont knoe what to do
I would honestly recommending just talking to him casually since it's something you can't seem to walk away from. At least by talking to him, even if things don't turn out well, you may get some form of closure that you lack. Also, your fights with your current partner may be causing amplified feelings of you missing your ex so it's something you should take note of. Perhaps ask yourself first, if your current relationship is a healthy one, and secondly decide if your feelings towards your ex is based on the bad experiences you're going through or something more.
Hello Kevin,
Me and my other half split up 5 weeks ago last sunday, he split with me 2 days after my 21st birthday. Yes he was my first love but I am completely smitten by him. When he broke it off with me he didnt give me much of a reason but gave me a kiss as he got out of my car. I got a text message saying "he doesnt want anything with me anymore, its a clean break and not just a break" but ive had no explination and im incredibly worried that he thinks the grass is greener. I made the mistake of texting him because i felt like i needed closure and he didnt give me that. After 2.5 years i deserve that right? He keeps telling people that hes "ignoring me to move on properly" and i just dont understand. 2 hours before breaking it off with me, he was telling me he loves me and misses me. And wrote in my birthday card "to my one and only" was this all a lie? Hes a very "led astray" person and his family like to drink and ever since this happened hes been drinking more, hes seen me once and not even made eye contact with me. He could never talk to me and convided in a mutual female friend who i now fear hes trying it on with. Hes getting on with his life whilst mines in the gutted. I really dont know if he loves me or has done for a while. Im so confused.
Hey Bethanie,
Although we all deserve proper closure, sometimes we just don't receive it. It doesn't mean you should stay in one place, without moving on in life because that's what many people do and they never fully pick themselves up. It seems really sudden that he broke up with you when everything seemed fine (based on what you said) and there should be a reason. Maybe if you can figure out what that is (from mutual friends), then you would get the closure you deserve. However, I suggest in the mean time not to contact him any further and just focus on yourself. Apply No Contact and pick yourself up as he's doing with himself. Only later on should you actually contact him again if you still love him and want him back.
I am 32. My ex is now 29. We dated for 2 years, half being long distance because of my career that she supported very well.
Unfortunately one day she stopped supporting my dreams, our relationship started to struggle and we ultimately ended 65 days ago now. We tried as friends for the last month of it but it wasn't working and one night when I told her I loved her, she didn't feel the same, and we ended everything. No talking, no reconciliation, we just stopped. She reached out a day after to say sorry but it didn't go anywhere.
In the past 65 days we exchanging belongings but she wasn't present for either. I dropped her things off one day and went to get mine once, but she was "busy."
Only once, about 40 days in did we text for more than 5 minutes. She told me our relationship never had the "depth" she was looking for and she had found someone else that supports her in ways I didn't. She said she was sorry for dragging me along when she really knew she didn't want me anymore for a little bit of time.
I have come to find out the man she replaced me with is her boss (46-2 kids, previously married)...which I am crushed by. In a way Im glad its not the hot guy at the bar I would compare myself to and wonder what he does better than me. I know her boss has money, has known for her for a year and probably knows where my support lacked and where she needed more. He's not attractive in my or my friends eyes but this really breaks my heart.
I have successfully started cross-fit, a new job and become open in possibly moving for my career and taking the next step in growth. I have also sought therapy, opened myself back to God, and dove into various self-help books.
I struggle with getting over her and letting go completely and finally. Most of the time I still wish there was a chance this was a rebound and maybe she'll check in from time to time. But I don't know how to not think that. She is still what I want, is that even right of me to think after everything she has done with her 60 days?
No contact worked for myself but maybe it pushed her away?
I have worked to get better, feel good but sad/lonely just as much.
Should I want this chance again with her? Should I block her everywhere and be done with any other possibilities? She can't post anything because its her boss anyway.
also he has already given her diamonds for her recent birthday, seems to be moving fast. And I can’t help but thinking of him proposing to her soon since they already knew each other so well. No, I don’t believe she ever cheated or started this with him while we were together.
It would depend on your knowledge regarding what she seeks for in life. If the financial security it something more important to her, then you might want to consider walking away as it will be hard to compete with her boss on this aspect. If you know that she may be going through a tough time, and merely needs momentary financial support desperately that you cannot provide, then you could consider a second shot if given the chance. However, do bear in mind that she walked away from you once already, and if you get back with her, she may do the same again if ever she needs something you cannot provide.
Unfortunately, even if he does propose at this time, there isn't much you can do about it since they are together now and it's his given right. You'll just have to have faith that your relationship did mean something to her and she would have the logical sense to say no.
Its a 2.5 year distance relationship in which i said some bad things to her in my anger, we meet twice in a month or more, then suddenly she losses interest which result in arguing and fighting and she eventually break up with me I begged for 3 to 4 days then started no contact, I applied 30 days no contact and after that, we talked and clarified all things and suddenly next day she goes cold again and as a result, i feel breakup pain again and eventually asking for another chance she said no and then I start the no contact again another month is almost complete what should i do now?
You should first figure out why she lost interest in you. No contact is meant for you to focus on picking yourself up and not simply giving her space. If you're able to contact her and face rejection without falling apart, that's how you'll know that no contact worked. Since your NC period is ending soon, you could always drop her a casual text and maybe even ask to catch up sometime. Everything isn't going to fall in place after one day of talking again after a breakup and you'll have to slowly nurture her back into wanting you, which is why it's so important to be able to face her without the fear of falling apart every time she pulls away or is cold towards you.
Hey there,
My ex and I broke up. I successfully did no contact for one month immediately after the break up and sent a follow-up text. In the initial first text I asked him in the message if he’d like to catch up for coffee, he said he it was too soon as he was struggling to find normality. I said I understood and we had a really good catch up chat via text. We have been texting almost everyday, good chats about friends, work, movies etc. I then asked him about a week or two later if he’d like to catch up for a drink he said he’s not ready to just hang out and it might be a while and he was sorry, but wants to stay in touch. He isn’t much of a texter even in our two year relationship. So I was a bit confused when he said no but I acted cool about it and said I understood and I’m happy to keep chatting (texting). We continued texting for about two weeks about random things and I got a fine in the mail I approached him about it cause I didn’t believe it was me driving (the fine was from a few months ago) and he said in a long message he remembered that day because I come over cooked for him and we had coffee in the park, he also joked in the message about a lunch we had made that’s still in his fridge and looks a bit dangerous lol. We sent a few more texts about our pet fishes and what not, seemed to be good. He said the suburb I was livin in now suited me :) and then I said you should check it out sometime and he said yeah that would be nice :). So then a few days after that I said what is he up to this weekend and would he like to come check out my place/pool (he seemed to respond better to that then the coffee idea hence why I asked). But then he took two days to reply and said sorry he had a busy week and probably not this weekend and that he needs a pool at this place. Honestly at this point I felt confused so I replied saying ok when were you thinking to catch up as I will be away most of January? And he said he’s not in a huge rush, it’d be nice to see me but he feels he needs to find his own feet first and maybe closer to Xmas/New Years but he doesn’t know and not too rush it. I said it does suck but I understand and hope I catch you before I go :). That was our last text about 3-4 days ago and I’m not sure what to do now since I’ve asked to catch up a few times. I’m confused, I feel he’s definitely shown some positive signs, especially sending me some money for the fine even though he didn’t think it was him. My friends said I should just let him text me and not text him so I haven’t and it’s been a few days now. He was never much of a texter anyway but I’m not too sure what to do from here. Thanks :)
Well, it seems that he himself seems reluctant to meet you right now for whatever reasons. It could very well be that it's too soon still, and you should give him more time and let him initiate on a meeting up instead. You've tried a couple of times and have been met with rejection so I don't advice trying any further or you might push him away. Just take it casually, continue to focus on yourself first, and don't let these little rejections get you down.
Thanks. We did text yesterday he said he had a crazy week because his dog was stolen. I’m not sure how often we should text at this point in time? Obviously I want to rebuild connection, it’s a little hard because he isn’t much of a texter. What should I talk about to rebuild connection?
At this point, just be yourself and create topics that would received continued responses from him - such as stuff you guys did in the past, plans for holidays, etc
Ok thanks Ryan! Also we had a phone call recently just chit chat, it was a pleasant phone call I meantioned that I’m going away at the end of the week and if he wanted to see me, he said he feels pressured? And he doesn’t know, maybe another time then? I don’t know what he’s trying to communicate to me, as we’ve been texting for around a month and a phone call last night. At the end of the phone call we said it was nice to hear your voice and he said it was nice to hear your voice too. He sounded really depressed. I’m not sure if he needs more time? I’ve always been a go getter and he’s more relaxed and goes with the flow. could you explain what he means by pressured? Do I just give more time? My gut instinct and the way he sounded on the phone told me he missed me? Thanks
In those circumstances, yes I would suggest giving him more time and space if he feels pressured. Ultimately meeting you should be a natural occurrence and not something that feels forced.
Hey Ryan! So we have continued texting after the last time I told you about (the phone call where he said he felt pressured and another time to catch up since I was going away) I text him saying I was going away and he said have a lovely trip and take some piccies(photos). He said he had a nice Xmas but is a little sunburnt. I text him a photo a few days later while I was away and he replied in 1 minute saying omg that looks amazing where are u? I didn’t reply and he then sent me a message on 1st of January saying happy new year I replied later that day saying hey! Just watched a house of cards, reminded me of you, made me smile! He replied within 2 minutes saying :) too hungover to physically smile but that’s a nice thought! I had a bad experience where someone tried to break in my house so I called him early that morning then I realised I shouldn’t have done that so I sent a text saying just an update I’m safe now, at my friends place. He then replied saying glad you’re safe, you are better off calling the police if you feel unsafe. Then later that day I text him saying I’m still feeling a bit shaken by it would you be up for a phone call, he replied saying sorry I don’t feel like talking in the phone at the moment but don’t let this dampen your new year, there are plenty of jerk guys in the world, just be you and love it! I replied saying I understand and did u have a good day he replied yeah, did a lot of furniture moving and sent me a photo of what he had changed in his room. After that it was his birthday so I sent a message saying happy birthday! He replied within the hour saying :) thanks lady! I didn’t reply and have started no contact as I feel when i am a bit distant he replies instantly kind of thing. I was thinking to continue no contact until around the 16th of January which would mean I haven’t texted him since the 4th of January. In my text on the 16th of January I was planning to say if he’s free to catch up for a quick cuppa sometime this week? I don’t want to do the wrong thing since I have asked before, but he is a big introvert and he rarely ever asks anyone to catch-up even friends/family. They usually ask him. My only fear is that he has said yes he’d like to catch up but wants to find his own feet first, he said this in December though. What would u recommend?
You could ask him towards the end of January instead since it might have given him more time to find his own feet, and at least some time has passed into 2018, giving you the excuse to ask him out to find out how things have been going so far this new year.
Ok thanks. Should I continue no contact until then or is it better to text casually with him?
Hi EBP Team,
I have foung your website very useful. I am approaching the end of NC that is at the same time as Xmas and my ex’a b-day and also the start of a 2-3 week holiday he is spending with his family he barely sees the whole year.
My question is: what’s the best timing to send the e-mail? Isn’t it overwhelming around holiday time? Shall I just extend NC until he’s back in town? Maybe I could combine it with wishing him happy holidays and happy birthday?
Thanks for your insight
To be honest, I think it's actually a good time to send him the email, as it creates a bigger impact (birthday, Christmas and the start of his holiday). If you want him back, you could send the email then and definitely include the birthday and Christmas wishes as well.
Hi, we were engaged,she called off our engagement, she is very egoist lying and stubborn and i was abusive (verbally), controlling, jelous, insecure, over possessive. I loved her from the best i have but her ego and stubbornness made me behave wrong to her, i pleaded begged and cried but she didn't changed her decision, it was me who always use to go to her after every fight where she used to stop talking to me for several days, after broke up i re approached her but she wanted to be friends firstly i said yes but she was so casual and seemed moved on so i started no contact, its been three months i didn't heard anything from her, she is completely moved on now she seems happy and outgoing and enjoying her life, and here i am so obsessed and crying and dying for her even though i have decided i wont ever contact her or give any signal to contact me, if she wants to workout again then she has to contact me, otherwise its over for me, i am down, i am low but ill get up and ill make it large.
Hang in there. Continue to work on yourself and don't linger in the past, if she moves on, so should you. And if your decision is to only come back if she contacts you, then it's a good idea to move on in the mean time because you don't know if it will ever happen or not.
Hi there
While trying to sort things out in my life currently and can’t help thinking of her and i came upon this page. And sadly i had committed all 5 deadly mistakes, I don’t know how i can help myself so maybe ill just share my story
I’m 29. She’s 30. Been in a relationship with her for nearly 3 years. Broke up like slightly more than a week already(consider this as 3rd and possibly a fatal one)
1st broke up(she found out me complaining too much about the stress she gave me in becoming a better man)
2nd broke up(infidelity, committed a couple of times of infidelity, regretted and stopped. Didn’t confess to her until i got found out sometime after that)
3rd broke up(while improving on myself(not doing enough), we were chatting about things i did in the past, cant exactly remember if i confess everything in a proper manner to her, being not wanting to hide anything from her, i gave her a recap and told her everything, the very next day, she left)
For the first 2 years plus in our relationship, empty/unfulfilled promises from me, misbehaving, overspending, lack of proper planning, spending too much time/money on games and infidelity caused our first 2 breakups.
I loved her, it was after her coming back for the 2nd time which triggered me to do all the critical thinking, and rebuild what im supposed to be doing. 6 months on, that little conversation, in addition to me still playing games(cut down alot, also been saving up,no infidelity) made her left me for the 3rd time.
Perhaps the lack of time in spending with her, and also a new colleague of her appearing, took a liking in her, did things better than me to her(lots of things i did for her during the earlier parts of our relationship) and has a stronger financial backing than me.
The new colleague of her, somehow managed to get closer to her emotionally, and perhaps, could be still talking together, could be as friends or maybe even dating.
It feels exceptionally terrible to be losing the love of your life, especially when you are about to propose to her, mentally and financially ready for her, and also on a festive season. Im lost, i really want her back and wished that i can still work things out, but i know, the ball is no longer in my court. I can only keep improving, keep working and praying.
Hang in there, and focus on recovering right now. If you want her back in your life, you're going to have to make changes to yourself especially on areas she didn't like. You should take some time off from her and distance yourself right now to work on your own issues, before trying anything again.
Hi Ryan
I’m working on it, like for real. Ive gotten rid of almost all my playing stuffs. Looking to add in a secondary income, becoming a better person etc.
I want to talk to her again, but I don’t know when it will be a appropriate timing to start
My suggestion is to complete 30 days of No Contact and spend this time to focus on all these things you've mentioned. Once you've picked yourself up from this and think you've at least improved from the last time she saw you, then you could contact her again if you really want her back.
Hello,
So this is my story, I met a girl in college who is a couple years younger than me and throughout that year and the next we just had an unbelievable relationship. We would talk everyday and occasionally see each other on weekends. I knew she liked me through her friends and she knew I liked her, but we never were official boyfriend and girlfriend, but there were times when we both hinted at that outcome. I told her that I want her in my life and she wanted me to be in her life, but not in the same way. I texted her saying I couldn't be just friends with her and that I'll always have love for her because she was the first person I fell in love with in my life. 8 months ago I made a huge mistake and went over to her house back home unannounced and did it so no one would know I was there to drop off a handwritten letter after texting her; I went over to her house 3 times because the first two times I was afraid of what she would think if I did that when I hadn't been over there before. This mistake backfired on me and she found out I had been stopping by her house a couple times before, and it creeped her out now she has blocked me on every social media accounts and I haven't talked to her in 8 months. I've been thinking a lot about her like everyday morning, during, and at night before I go to sleep, and even dream about her. I know she isn't my ex but in other peoples eyes she was definitely more than just a friend to me, and I want nothing more to have her back in my life, but I'm pretty sure she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. What should I do? I moved across country for work, but found out some family stuff is going on that I might have to move back home to where she and I both live, and I know that once I do I'll be reminded of the fact that I lost the only girl I cared about and it is killing me inside. Asking for advise on what to do, and if there is anything I can do to make her trust me again and hopefully someday have her back in my life
Personally, it's been quite a long while. It may be worth a shot to try contacting her once more and you could be honest and explain the situation back then and apologize for it, then see if she's willing to still stay friends.
Hi,
I had 3 month long relationship with a guy from a dating site. I have trust problems because of 20 year long marriage in which I was kinda abused. So that is why decided I did not want a serious relationship, only a friend with benefit type of thing. The guy was very polite. We had only kissing on first date and it took a while for him to even ask for it. Later I told him I did not want a serious relationship but it seemed he was hoping in it. We had very strong chemistry. After we had sex he was taken to hospital. It was crazy. I started to feel something however the plan was not that. I have decided to split up with him but someway I was not able. So we were keeping in touch for 1 month then he was released. I did not trust him. First I though even hospital was lie and then I discovered he was texting with others. I tried to get closer to him but he had walls. We had fights since I felt him cold, too rational therefore I got angry towards him and we had awful fights.We split up 3x but it started again. I emphasized that it was only about sex for me but he wanted sg more serious. Once I have seen him to chat with someone else for a long time. I asked him to tell me if he had someone else and let me go since it is too painful this way to me. He told me that there was no anyone else just he did not know where he stood with me since I was working against the relationship. Basically I think I did not know what I wanted and we had walls. Ok. I asked him to start it again. He asked for time and I promised time. So he messaged me but when I wanted to reply I saw he was chatting with someone again and got angry and attacked him. I said really really mean things. He switched off phone. I was thinking I might have hurt him deliberately because I was not brave enough to start sg serious and wanted to get rid of him instinctively. Next day I said sorry. I was feeling really awful about myself. I am not an evil person. But he did not read it (or yes but it was not displayed).
Afterwards I texted him again: it was an analysis about our problems objectively. It was not read for 2 days. I expected it wont be read never ever. But then yes: it was displayed as read. Maybe it is crazy but I want him back. I want to take it seriously and wanna work on it and on myself but only if he wants to work on it too with me.
Although you say you don't want a serious relationship and only want a friends with benefit type of thing, it seems to me that your emotions say otherwise, or else you wouldn't really mind or care if he was talking to others or had walls since it should not matter. I think that you need to be more aware as well if you're trying to push someone away, as sometimes we do that in the form of picking fights or faults with our partner. I suggest just focusing on yourself first to work on whatever issues you may have and build yourself back up before considering any relationship.
Yes, now I know that I had feelings in it. I was picking up fights because I was afraid of them. That is why I want to start it again with feelings and without fears. I wanna give it a chance. Yesterday I wrote him: I written down what I have learnt about myself during the relationship but I did not mentioned that I wanted him back or anything similar. He read it in a minute but no answer. I was not surprised. (Basically I was surprised because he read it immediately.)As for no contact rule, I feel our relationship was different: I was not clingy. Not that was the problem, quite the opposite. I feel I have to give him a way to communicate. Or am I wrong?
Even if you weren't clingy, no contact is still something you should apply as you the relationship ended on a sour note, and he may harbor negative emotions towards you right now. NC will help give both parties some space to let go of those emotions before attempting anything again.
Hi,
Sorry because I am a bit tiring. I have doubts about "no contact rule" in my case. In my understanding your theory is based on the fact that there were happy moments in the relationship and after a while people tend to remember the good memories, the overall picture and forget about the problems (eg. clinginess, small debates), the small negative details. My relationship with this man though was about great sex and awful debates right afterwards (since I was fighting against my own feelings), therefore the overall picture is not good. There were no happy moments in this relationship with the exception of sex. Basically, I can say only the sexual attraction kept it alive at all for 3 months. And I am aware that sexual attraction can fade away fast so what remains is the overall negative picture. Am I not right?
Hi Silvi,
You are wrong in thinking that the purpose of no contact is to remind your ex of the good times. In fact, no contact rule has very little to do with your ex. It has everything to do with you. Its for you to give yourself some time and space so you can work on becoming a better version of yourself.
You are right that you may not be able to use the good memories from your past relationship in rebuilding attraction with him. But that is only a small part of the plan. The biggest thing that attracts an ex back is the changes you make in yourself. If you can show him that you have truly changed and are a new person after you have finished no contact, you can definitely attract him back. Read this article for more info on what to do after no contact.
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your reply. I understood that one of the purpose of NC to introduce changes to my own life and approach. But I am not addicted to this guy, only attracted to him and wanna try if it works with him. I can live without him. I have my life, my goal in life without him. I am aware that both of us should work on it and use a different approach. Definetely I should starte. What I am saying: it is not a more year old relationship but only 3 month long and basically was about sex. Ergo, if I wait say 1 month my chance to get him back is decreasing in my view.
Oh, if your relationship was less than 3 months old, then you should reduce no contact to about two weeks. Perhaps, learn a bit of communication skills during this time so you can make the relationship about something more than sex when you get back in touch. Also, before you contact him again, make sure he is worth it and you have the right attitude about this. After all, you don't want to invest too much time and energy into someone with whom you had a shallow relationship based on only sex.
Ok. When I started with this whole dating thing, I have decided: I wanted only sex. I missed sex since I have not had any for 2 years after breakup with my husband. Right? But I did not want to lose my independence just because my body needed sex. That was the starting point. I had more dates but I selected this guy because kissing was the best with him. We had chemistry. We have not had sex only on the 3rd date. Basically we were speaking about philosophical questions and everything. I found him interesting as a person. He was a kinda weirdo like myself. I told him I wanted only kinda special frienship but he wanted something more. He left some of his stuff at my house, cooked for me, stayed over the weekend and started to repair my boiler. Even mentioned that I should have reareanged my room. These things terrified me so I started fight. We had great sex and then loads of fights. In the meantime I realized I might needed something more than sex. We had fight about Fraud and these things. In this respect the relationship was not swallow.
I am afraid he completely lost his faith in it which is not a wonder if I think about it. Even I am happier without that relationship because that was a constant fight between my heart and mind. What I would like to do: start a completely new thing with him because I think we might match naturally, only I protected myself against love all along. But I am aware that human beings are not guniea pigs so it might be late. I just wanna get the highest chance to start it again if possible at all. I hurt him so many times and we had 3 breakups during 3 months. So it is almost hopeless to base a new start on good memories.
Hey Silvia,
OK. I think you should just contact him (whenever you are ready) and be honest about how you feel. Your first contact message should show a lot of honesty and self reflection for this to work.
Hi,
After saying sorry and explaing what type of relationship I really want i have done about 2 week long NC as suggested. On Christmas day to my surprise I got a Christmas greeting and my ex initianated a short conversation and this morningI got good morning greeting as it was a habit before breakup and it seems my ex wants to come over. I am very happy but my consern is that: I dont wanna be a doormat in long term. So I plan to initiate a converstation about the situation: I want to give it a try to a serious relationship with him but I dont want to be with him at any cost. Do you think it is appropriate. I mean I am happy that he comes or sg but I dont want to be just used and abused. Taking into account our past story it can be an issue.
Hi Silvi,
Yes, you should definitely have this conversation with him. I recommend that you write down the type of relationship you want in your life. Write down the 5 most important thing for you in a relationship. And after that, write down your boundaries. Write down what is non-negotiable for you. This could be things like "Cheating, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse etc."
Then have a conversation with him. Tell him that you don't want to repeat the past relationship again and you want to start taking things slow. That means you should not have sex for at least two weeks after you start dating. Since your past relationship was only based on sex, it's best to avoid having sex for a while so you don't go back to the same old patterns. Only meet him outside and go on dates with him. Take your time to figure out if a relationship with him can work. And if he is not willing to take it slow, you should be willing to walk away (he will eventually come around when he realizes you are strong and he can't make you go back to the same old relationship pattern.)
And after the break up my ex husband indicated he wanted me back (we have two kids) but I refused because I want someone better. Also, interestingly right after the break-up my former neighbour asked me out for a drink through facebook. But I did not want to play with others since I am into my ex boyfriend. So I refused especially because I know that my neighbour would be serious about the relationship. He was trying with me previously, confessed his feelings but he is too simple for me: I mean he is not interested in deeper things and I am. So I refused him previously as well. And I am chatting with a guy who is quite interested in me. So as you can see I dont have to feel that I would not have any other chance. I am on dating sites. I am friendly and quite ok for my age. Also, i have 4 degrees. So I am not absolutely stupid. Men are attracted to me. And I am 38. I am after a 20 year long marriage so obviously I know my feelings for this guy wont last forever. I am not that naive. The main point is that: I would like one more chance with this guy because maybe we would get on very well if I try seriously. And since I realized that I need not only sex but someone who loves me and who I can love, at the end of the day I have to change my approach/behaviour anyway. So why not now and why not with this guy. It is not that easy to find someone who is interested in deep-speaking and still sober enough and who behaves in a loving way towards me. Also we were perfectly in synch in sex. So what else would I want? Of course maybe it wont work. I am realistic. I know this guy only for 3 months and we had fights. I am nornmally not an agressive type but I was the one who started the fight, he remained polite while I was swearing. This shows that I tried to protect myself from emotions. He realized that it is my fear but i did not want to realize. And you know I want this only if it works well. Basically I dont want this guy at any cost but I wanna see where it goes if I really try without fears. Maybe he is the right person for me.
He stayed at my house after sex saying he cant get home that late so we were sleeping together. Then stayed for the weekend, cooked for me and left his stuff at me saying he dont want to bring it again. Then started to repair my boiler, ordered stuff and collected from the shop. I was terrified what he wants. After my marriage I lived alone with 2 kids and I was happy: I could decide about my things alone and it was like a fresh air after 20 year long marriage even if it was hard sometimes to arrange everything alone eg. moving, kids illness, arranging school for kids, repairing things, normal household duties, paying bills and also I had a fulltime job. But I felt happy and independent. But I was almost like a male and I have not sex with anyone. But after 2 years I started feeling unwell physically and menthally. I thought it was because of lack of sex. But since I did not want to lose my independence, I decided on this friends with benefits type of thing. This is the story behind it.
Hey 2 months ago I said my ex broke up with me because of long distance and I was moving back to her hometown because I wanted to move there for a job offer and you told me keep doing no contact until you arrive there. I just moved here 2 days ago and she keeps liking my posts on social media even the one where I took a pic of the back yard of my house and said a paragraph about that j moved here and I'm blessed. She saw that post but hasn't messeged me or anything shes not dating anyone. What should I do I texted her 2 months ago but she seemed uninterested but she still sees my stuff??
Well, you could always initiate contact with her and drop her a message or call instead, since you know that she's been following up with your posts.
I was in a 3 year long relationship. We took a break 4 months ago because of his drinking."surely not a breakup". But then i hav done the worst thing : i had a guy friend to whom i felt an affection and happened to mistake it as love. But he was loving me, so when he proposed me during the break i accepted it thinking that my affection is love. Bt soon within a month i realised that it was nothing more than a crush and also i loved my ex/bf (since we were just on a break) so much who is infact my first love. My ex/bf came to know about all these things and now he barely replies to my messages. Please help me with this problem. Now i know i really loved him. He is my first love & guess it will be the last one too.
I guess you need to give your ex some space now so that he can let go of any anger or hurt that he felt before going back to him again.
Hello,
My girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years due to me being controlling and clingy. Told me the night of the breakup that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. We talked every so often afterwards until I figured out I was actually making things worse and proceeded with NC for 25 days. We're long distance so it's a bit easier than others. We had plans to meet up when I came home to visit family for thanksgiving and talk, and we did meet up but we hardly talked. She said it was too soon and didn't want our emotions to get the better of us. I was a bit mad, because I waited almost an hour. We spoke on the phone afterwards and got into an argument about what happened and both said some mean things.
A few days afterwards, we spoke on the phone for two hours and had a great conversation. We talked for two hours, one about the relationship and what happened, and the other just general talking, laughing, and having fun. A day or two after that, I told her I had a date, to which she got kind of upset but tried to brush it off by acting "happy" even though I heard her cry on the phone. The date ended up being cancelled, but I feel like that might've been a step backwards.
Afterwards we texted for almost three consecutive days, but we both agreed that it felt weird and decided to text each other every other day for the whole day. We both have every intention of finally meeting up on Christmas. She's said she's really wanting to focus on school right now, which I completely respect, but I do want to get her back. I want to prove to her that I can not be a clingy, jealous, insecure guy! Are the steps we are taking the appropriate ones?
Hey Luke, it sounds like you're on the right path. Just don't put too much pressure on her to get back together with you or she may walk away. You can always tell her how you feel, but add that you respect her wish to focus on school and you'll wait for her as a friend first or something.
Hey Ryan,
Thanks for the advice. I forgot to mention last night after a stressful week I had some anxiety and said some insecure things to her while we were talking. Stuff along the line of "you were my best friend" and "second chance" were mentioned. I realized my mistake changed the subject almost immediately and continued to have a good conversation, but it was a moment of weakness nonetheless. Do I just continue on as normal?
Don't worry too much, sometimes human instincts take over us for a brief moment, but as long as you realized it and didn't go overboard, it's fine.
Hi ryan..thanks for your reply..i will try to give her that space and time like you said..but i really need your advice on how to win her trust back and confidence and keep our love..what so i really do during this break?
Firstly, you should just be yourself - the new and improved you after giving yourself space to change as well. You could always refer to this article on more tips in getting your ex-girlfriend back.
Hi, my ex and I (both 18) broke up in October and were together from June to September. He broke up with me because I wasn’t reciprocating the love he was giving me and he now feels like since he put his all in the relationship and I didn’t, he can no longer give me a relationship. After the breakup, I was very needy and constantly begged him to get back together. Since then, I have recognized my mistakes and am fully in the mindset to changing them but I’m not sure how to prove that I’ve changed. He’s recently got back with his previous ex about a week ago and I’m scared that he might not want me back. I personally think it’s a rebound relationship since he did try to have sex with me while they were together but he swears he loves her and is serious with her. He still acts as if he has feelings for me but denies them. We never went through a no contact stage either. So, would it be best to do the no contact stage even if it’s been 3 months since we’ve broken up? Is there a good chance that I can gain his love and trust back if I do this? Is it not too late?
Hey Kyla,
Yes if you haven't done NC before, and have still been in contact with him through the 3 months, it might be better to actually proceed with the No Contact rule to separate yourself from the situation.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me in Febuary this year while I was at overseas. We were together for 8 months. I was planned to work at overseas for 6 months from January. we didn't talk much during that period of time because I know he work really hard and long hours( at least 8 hours a day sometimes 12 hours),I texted him every 2 days or 3 days and he barely replied. He broke up with me said because of a lack of common interest and culture crash. we were in a really long distance relationship.
And then he jumped into another relationship 6 days later after we broke up. But I didn't know until I changed my mind gave up the work oppotunity and back from oversea. I was pretty upset and stop talking to him. Nearly two months later, he messaged me asked me how have I been and we had a short personal conversation. And then he contacted me pretty much every month while he still in the new relationship. I stalked his instagram and noticed he broke up with his new girlfriend at the beginning of September but I didn't react to it.Two weeks later, his band annouced they have a gig soon. I wanted to go but I couldn't decide go or not. A few days later he messaged me again , we had a short conversation and I asked him can I go to the gig or not. he said yes. Two days before the gig he messaged me said he could send me home after the gig although it was late but I rejected. I end up stayed at his house. I have feelings for him again so I messaged him for hungout again two weeks later and we spend the whole weekend together.
After that , I messaged him again when I got home said want to get back with him but he said he just want to be friends. What should I do? Should I start the no contact rule or do something else?
You have to figure out whether his intentions are out of concern as a friend, or he actually likes you still, or just wants the benefits (hookup). Regardless, it would best for you to give him some space, considering you don't know what his intentions are, and he may not know either. Apply the No Contact Rule and focus on yourself in the meantime. If he likes you, he will come back.
Hi,
I would love to talk to you about my situation. Get your advice on it.
So I was with my ex for five years, 3 of those years we were in a long-distance relationship, and we would see each other about every three months for few weeks.
About a month ago she said wanted to break up, and I kinda did a lot of stupid things maybe or not I guess you can tell me.
Frist, i asked to think about it and give me another chance really, and then for a few weeks kinda beg her to, then even fly to China to see her and change her mind.
I know that she chooses to give up on Us, as feels found someone new and is now in a relationship with him in China.
I know that she feels we fight too much, I never share with her, we don't really communicate, and says lost love for me, and feel I am giving too much negativity at times.
I have also written her love notes, wedding vows, sorry notes and more leet to show our future as she says cant see one with me.
I have thought about contacting the new guy and asking him stuff, but do think it would do my harm than good.
I have been emotional and made stupid comments and threats at times.
I talked on the phone to her last night, and she said this me we cant be together, you don't handle situations well, and at times I am like a child. And that she has chosen the new guy, as he was excused to break up with me, then move into it as or just after we break up. She also said to me that why keep trying and pulling back to you, can you give up.
I would like to know if I have done to much harm or do I have the chance to get her if you need any other information and what can I do?
Thank you for your time and thoughts on this matter.
To be entirely honest, there's always a chance, but in long distance relationships, that chance can be a lot slimmer. If she's dating someone new and he is in the same country as her, it's very hard for you to compete because anything you do without being in close proximity can easily be misinterpreted. I would honestly suggest that you be fair to yourself and not contact her for the time being. Practice the No Contact rule for a period before considering anything again.
Hi,
Me and my ex broke up 2 years ago. We didn’t have any contact with each other until one of our close friends set us up to talk in person two months ago. He apologized, for in a way “hurting my feelings” when he dumped me but I didn’t respond. After it took him a month to actually talk to me since we’re both in our last year of high school. After that he’s always found a reason to talk to me and even asked our friend for my social media but I try to stay away because I still have feelings for him, but he has a girlfriend. I don’t want to break them up because he seems so happy and in love, and it’s all I ever wanted for him, as well as it being a stupid reason to try to break them up, it’s messed up. I missed him being back in my life, but I don’t know if I want to push him away again because of my feelings, aswell as I don’t want him to feel as if I hate him or something. I want him back I really do, but I don’t wanna ruin our friendship because we did agree to stay friends. What should I do?
If you have the patience and emotionally capacity, I would suggest waiting it out and staying with friends with him first and see if their relationship lasts. If not, it would be a better idea cutting him out completely since it's only fair to yourself.
Hello,
It's been a while since I wrote here. I ended the no contact rule now and at times it feels like everything is very good we're talking about stuff, she sometimes asks stuff about me etc. The only problem is that I am the one initiating contact all the time although I don't do it too much and I never was needy guy I actually think that I was too aloof about the relationship. Now I don't know how to approach and how to come to the point to actually ask her for a coffee or something I want it to be spontaneous and I am not sure how she feels at the moment. I sometime panic and analyze every message she sends to figure out what's going on. :/ Do you think I should continue initiating contact but not do it too often or should I make a long break and see if she contacts me first I am not sure really :/
Hey Philip,
As my advice to many people, keep it casual. I know how much this means to you and that you don't want to mess things up, but don't stress yourself out too much. Be yourself, and when the chance arises, just ask her out for a coffee. You could always try the 'I heard there's this new coffee place in town, and has pretty good reviews. You wanna check it out some day?' line.
I am doing my best to keep is casual always. We talked recently but this time the conversation didn't end so well, we are not arguing or something but it didn't escalate to the point where things get interesting even though sometimes that is in fact the case. Now I don't know if I should try and continue the conversation or wait a day or two to talk again. Do you think I should say something like "I am glad that we talk again, I missed that" something along those lines or I should just ask her to come and help me with something work related because I actually might need her help.
Thank a lot.
appreciate it.
If you actually may need her help, then perhaps you could just go with that, and in order to thank her, maybe buy her a cup of coffee?
Hi,
I recently talked with her via text and all seemed good but probably because she's on business trip she didn't respond that much to my messages (short answers but positive in most cases). I got nervous because of it and wrote her another message in the evening saying this: "Hey your fav band is here in this new place you need to check it out sometime when you're not working", and since that she didn't respond even though I saw via facebook that she saw the message. Now I am getting nervous since I always think that I screw things up and I think that maybe I shouldn't have wrote those last 1-2 messages. Do you think there's something wrong with my message or not, what should I do next should I just wait if she responds in the near future or should I try to contact her again soon?
Thank a lot!
Sorry if I am a bit boring :)
You should wait a bit before trying again in the future. It could be that she's busy and forgot to reply despite seeing it. Also as you guys may have only recently started talking, and not built up feelings again, she may not be as invested into the conversation so you would probably have to try again in the future if she doesn't reply.
I and my girlfriend have been dating for a year and four months.we have even been talking to well like nothing could come between us even though we are distant because of her school...Until Last week thursday,i was having a conversation with my girlfriend(gf).and then she told me she will be going to a party somewhere after school closes,and that she wont be coming to visit me when school closes causes we have planned on her coming over.i ask her not to go that i didnt want her to go,but she insisted that it was her life,that i had no say it her decision.i got upset and ended the call.The next day i called her and we argued over the party issue again,of which i ended up calling her names which i didnt mean,i said them just to see if she will have a change of heart.that night i had to apologise by sending her a text.i called her the next day apologisng,she said there was no problem,but i noticed her mood had changed and she ended the call saying she wanted to sleep,even when i insisted we should talk.The next day i called her back,and tried talking things through about the argument we had and apologised but it ended with her saying she needed a break from the relationship.i asked her why but she wont say anything.only telling me she wanted finding herself and needed space,which i dont get.i have told her she could go to the party.so she could call off the break but she still insists on the break and that she will be go with or without my consent.i have tried begging her,convincing talk: telling her she knows what she means to me and wht we have been through together.i even asked if there is another guy she says no.i have tried,so she could call the break off,but she still insists that its when she comes back from school that when we shall sit and talk about us,that we could still be talking on phone,with the break.she now talks to me in a rude manner not caring how i feel,picking unnecessary faults.i dont know what to do,cause i know what most breaks in a relationships leads to..i dont want to lose what we share.cause i know we still love each other..what do you think i should do in this situation??i really do need your advice and what i should do..
I suggest giving her some time and space. Maybe she felt too suffocated or that you were too possessive, which may have led her to become uncertain of the relationship. In this case, it's better to back away and show her that you're able to let her live her life without demanding for things to happen. You guys are still young so there may be things that she feels like she wants to do, without being controlled.
Thank you..I will do as you said about giving her space and time..i really dont want our relationship or love to go/die because of the break,dont want a break up..how can i win her trust back?.during this period.i really miss my friend(her).'i need your tips to win her trust back',thank you
Hi. My ex boyfriend and I are not talking anymore for about a month. We were 2 years together. We’re both 25. We are broken up for about 2 months now. And I missed him. I tagged him on a video post on FB a few days ago. I got no reaction. I stalked him on IG and found out he already deleted our pictures together. The main reason we broke up was that he wanted to improve, be strong and be more mature. He wanted to fix his career problems and I wasn't his priority at the moment. He also said that he wasn’t sure of me because he scared we might break up in the future. I know some of it was my fault. Maybe some factors include the consecutive fights gaining to the few weeks of the relationship. He said it wasn’t healthy anymore. He was stressed and I demanded time from him. He was pressured. He also wants to gain more self-confidence. He said he doesn’t deserve me. I asked him if he will come back after he has fixed himself. He said he wasn't sure and that he needed time. I told him that I'm always here for him and if he ever gets the chance, to please contact me after he improved. He said that is what he plans to do. After he improves and he knows that what he is thinking is making sense, he will reach out to me. He mentioned he will reach out to me when he's okay and I'm also okay. I guess he was also pertaining to my career problems and me being dependent on him. He promised me. I thought about him coming back to me after a minimum of a year since his reason for break up was because he wants to mature and I think that a lot of time is needed for that to happen. I am not rushing to get back with him. However, with him deleting pictures of us together and not reacting to me, makes me think he is forgetting about me and already moving on. Does his actions tell that he is moving on already? Or he just isn’t ready? Won't he come back to me anymore? Is moving on part of his plan to fix himself?
Hey Christine,
It could be one of two reasons: 1) It was a convenient excuse to give you to break up and he has lost feelings for you. 2) He really needs space to grow right now and he's caught up in whatever his goals are. Either way, I suggest that you do the same. Spend your time improving yourself and aiming to become a better person as well, so that if he does come back in the future, you'll still be on the same frequency as him (and he falls for you based on the new you). If he doesn't, at least you can make him regret leaving you in the first place when he sees the changes you've made to yourself.
Hello Team,
It is a great program, it helped me a lot! I finished the NC time and got in touch again with my boyfriend. I wrote him two days ago and I am really happy that I did it, however I feel kinda of weird about it. After writing him, I was happy but I started missing him more, than before. He was the one who broke up, therefore I don't really want to mess up things again. The situation is, that he was asking me things, like oh, how was your weekend and expected me to tell a whole story like I used to. Instead of that, I stood mysterious and told him, that it was great, I did a lot of funny things with my friends at the Christmas market. My problem is that how could I stay mysterious and in the same time, how much should I share with him, in order to not seem too distant or close-minded? I am really having trouble with getting again in contact... Could you please advise?
There's always a fine line between mysterious and cold. Perhaps you could always try a 2-detail approach where the story you tell doens't go beyond 2 main points so that you don't come across as cold, but leave a certain air of mystery around yourself.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. It was on and off for a while but now its final. I met here two days after, And it was great and sad at the same time. I hadn't seen here for 2 months because its a bit of a long distance relationship. its a 1 hour drive. But it felt great, she was all over me and she told me she missed me and that she had forgotten how attractive I looked so we basically fucked. But at the ending of the night she didnt want to kiss me anymore because she really wants to go through with this breakup. Because she needs space to find herself and become a better version of herself. And she dont have time for it because of here study. This shit all began when she cheated on me by pecking another dude in the mouth. So I forgave her. But now she wants to leave, I think its the long distance and maybe lack of time. Because we never had any problems. Do I still have a chance of getting here back? because I really do enjoy spending time with this girl. Also she asked me to send some photo's of us together from the early phase of our relationship So I did and later I applied the no contact on her. I am really confused I dont know what to do, because she clearly is very attracted to me. and I just cant seem to have control over here. She is just calm and it bothers me. Please help I tried to fuck another girl the day of the breakup but Im still miserable.
Hey,
You should continue no contact. When you get back in touch, don't immediately sleep with her. Build an emotional connection with her first. Read this article on winning her back.
Hi, it's been 2 weeks since i broke up with my boyfriend. During this time we were talking on the phone and i texted him a couple of times but he didn't respond to all my messages. He said that he needs space and wants to be alone because we've been fighting for unnecessary things every single day. Last week i asked to see him and he came but he said the same things that he was saying it on the phone. He kissed me, hugged me tight, said that he still loves me but he doesn't love the relationship we were into in the last month and that we need some space. He said that it's so hard for him too and it will be more hard for both of us after we see each other and because of that i should stop texting and calling him and to let the things work themselves out. I can't understand him because all i was asking from him the last time was attention and love cuz he was so cold to me. He also said that if we need to be together we will be, that its a matter of time. So he said that he still loves me, thinks about me, that its a hard situation for him too but now he wants to be alone. What should i do??😞😞
Hey there, it seems pretty clear what he needs right now and what you should do as well. Since he keeps insisting that he needs space, give it to him because the more you try and force your way back into his life, the more it's going to push him away. He seems to still have feelings for you, but it's just that he needs some time to let go of the past negative emotions.
Hello,
It's been a while since I last messaged here and I couldn't find the place where you've replied so I will just post a new message. So I've been doing great I did the no contact rule and now I started talking again with my ex. It really seems like we're in a relationship when we talk it's nice and she asks things about me too, making jokes etc. Now I don't want to get overly excited about this because even though this is the case I know it may not work out or it may backfire if I don't do things well. The problem now is that I usually start conversations (text first) even though she's always open to communication so one good and on bad thing. I am trying to slowly text more and more often but I'm scared that I might act out as needy even though we never talk about any past problems/relationship things, just good memories, future plans etc. Can you give me advice on how what to do next and how do I approach this thing I want to eventually ask her out for a coffee or a snack but I can't know for sure when's the right time, should I try calling her on the phone or do some other thing? Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks a lot,
Phillip.
Hey Phillip,
I guess you could always start finding common topics to talk about (that recent movie, something that happened to you today, etc) that will naturally build connection with her, and topics that can link to others. This ensures your conversation with her doesn't run dry and when you let her interact with you instead of the usual boring texts like 'have you eaten', she wouldn't think that you're being needy since she is also participating in the conversation. Perhaps one good way to ask her out is to mention a new coffee place that recently open and ask if she's been there. You could always talk about how you've heard such good reviews about it and you've been meaning to go but never had the chance to and was wondering if she'd like to go check it out with you some time.
Hello kelvin,i cheated on my girlfriend and i truely regret my actions..we have been dating for 6years and she has being really nice and caring to me and stood by me all the way..The painful part of it was the way she found about the other girl. ..the side chick came to house and met my girl and told her alot of stuff about us to my girl and even lied too .i told the side chick from onset that i am in a serious relationship,so she knew her position in the relationship.I love my girl alot and i want her to be happy,the mess really affected her and she is a shadow of herself. .I have apologized and begged her for forgiveness but she still insisting she doesn't want the relationship anymore...All i want now is for her to be happy and bounce back to life before asking her to come back...How do i go about it?
You can't do anything right now. You being around her will only ensure that she won't move past this situation or recover from it. You should be fair to her since your actions caused the consequences to take place. I don't think all hope is lost however, if she really does love you, but you have to give her space and time to heal on her own before you consider trying to talk to her again. You can always refer to this article for more help on cheating situations.
Hi, so we had a minor argument just over a week ago now, I haven't spoken to her since the phone call conversation we had. the scenario is we had a good week leading up to the last and spent quite a bit of time together and generally she was being pretty needy over texts and calling me a lot, then the following week we both just gave ourselves a bit of space as you do, we would only really text each other a couple of times at most each day, most days I'd let her start and end the conservation, I had one phone call conversation with her during the week, and she was paying no attention to anything I was saying, as during the phone call as she was constantly messaging people on her phone, I thought nothing of it and just let it go, although from past experiences i could tell something was up. anyway I didn't speak to her again over the phone till on Saturday, i was going out that night so thought id call her, during the phone call 'supposedly' her mum call hers, she then says she has to take the call, she put the phone down mid conversation and said she'd text me. But she never did. Not to be a doormat as you say within the 5 step rule I thought I best say something because I'm not having her think I'm going to let her walk all over me. she then apologised for it, and we had a bit of a humorous conversation afterwards, anyway the next morning shes messaged me, replying to a picture I sent her, she was laughing at it, I decided to call her as I was driving at the time, pretty much straight away she starts kicking off on me. Saying I don't see you that way anymore, I see you as a friend. why its came about I don't know. again I wasn't pleading/ begging for her to take me back, I was being firm with her. anyway since then I haven't spoken to her, or looked at her stories on Snapchat etc. However she has been looking at mine, I even saw her work friend out this weekend just gone and she had no clue we had an argument even though they were both at a staff party the night before (I didn't say much to her just acted happy and kept smiling and laughing). what do you recommend doing because I'm a bit unsure how long I need to leave it for before speaking to her again? I'm not overall annoyed or depressed, I'm still going to the gym regularly and going out etc, so I don't feel i need to heal myself as you would say. thanks for reading this, much appreciated.
Even if you don't need to heal, the time taken apart may have help you see what was wrong with the relationship back then and if you still want to go back into it. If she had suddenly lost feelings for you, clearly something was up. Applying NC would give her some space as well and may help her get some clarity over how she feels.
If i could show you messages and how she was with me the week before then possibly you'd gain a better understanding, I posted elsewhere that her EX had messaged her, I didn't react to this, I never do. I'm not the jealous type because I'm very confident in myself. Perhaps it had messed with her head a bit, I'm not sure if she was trying to find an excuse to push me away and I gave it to her, or maybe she just needed sometime on her own just to get her head straight. That probably explains why her friend didn't have a clue about the argument. listen what will be will be.. I'm not going to give up on her without a fight, because at the end of the day she's my best mate and I know the way she feels about me.. Shes just hard work and struggles with her insecurities i think
She’s started posting quotes on social media sites now, I guess you’d say that was an attention seeking thing? She did do this last time it happened months ago. I’m not going to react
If that's the case, and you know what causes her insecurities, don't you think as a boyfriend, you should help her out with them and assure her that there's nothing to be insecure about? It's good to be someone with confidence, but if the confidence becomes the factor that deters the relationship, is it really a good thing?
Hi it's an year and half since me and my ex broke up.i just can't forget about him.he claims that he loves me but he cannot trust me.Funny bit of story he is still keeping our photos when we we're dating. We are planning to meet but am not sure if am doing the right thing
If you really want him back even after all this while, then why not start as friends first to catch up and see how things go? If he can't trust you for whatever reasons, are there ways or things you can do to re-gain that trust?
Hello, I’m having a hard time here. My ex broke up with me in September. We had a amicable breakup and I went into no contact shortly after. Completed no contact and texted my ex who I also happen to work with. I applied text strategies that were fun and engaging. It’s been hit or miss on if she responds. She broke up with me but yet she’s mad at me. I finally confronted her and asked her and she said that yes she’s mad at me and it’s in regards to something I said about the relationship to someone. I don’t know who or what was said and she didn’t tell me. The night she broke up with me I told her that we would get back together one day. I told her I wouldn’t wait around but I had confidence that one day we’d be back together. She got really choked up, smiled and left before she changed her mind. The other day she told me that when she asked me the night we broke up to still be friends that my face indicated that I didn’t want that and that I closed the door on our friendship. She said she found that interesting that I closed the door considering I said we’d get back together one day. Now, there haven’t been many positives between us since we broke up, but I feel the fact that she referenced that was a positive. However, I sent her a text the next day and said I didn’t know what she was mad about and that when she’s ready I’d love to talk to clear the air. That was on Wednesday and she never replied. I’m at a lost for what to do. She’s extremely stubborn and she’s going to push because that’s what’s she does. I’m the only boyfriend she’s ever had and pushing people away is what she does. Please help...
If she's always pushing people away, there's no point in you pushing harder because then it becomes a match to see who gives up first. Why not give her a little space since the feeling of being mad at you was recently 'sparked', and come back to talking to her again, after some time has passed (a week or two). You may find this article helpful as well.
So even though I’ve come out of no contact you would still advise giving her some more space? I bought her a gift months ago for Christmas. I was planning on giving her space from now until Christmas and then giving her the gift along with the clean slate letter. Do you think that’s okay?
For the no contact, does that mean i should block him on snapchat so he doesn't see my stories?
You don't have to as long as you're not the one contacting him personally. You can use this article to help you further
Hii..I and my bf was in relation for 18months...A month ago suddenly he broke up with me. I didnot know what was my mistake? I had asked him But he didnot respone.. he ignored me.he had block my number and blocked in social websites. I had message him alot but no reply. I cried and beg but he didnot care.. i want him back in my life.plz help me
If he has blocked you everywhere, then it might be better to let the relationship go and focus on moving on. Some things are beyond your control and this may be one of those times. You can ask him why the decision to break up but it is unlikely that he will reply since he has blocked you.
How do you do this if he hates you?
People only hate people who they care about. If he doesn't care about you, why would he spend so much energy hating you? Read Signs your ex still has feelings for you.
Thanks for this article! I’m definitely going to try out NC, however I just found out on my ex’s Instagram that he has hurt his fingers. Do I drop him a concerned text or just leave it? Based on the fact that I still want to make things work between us.
Hey there, you could drop him a simple text since you haven't started on NC yet, but do not further the conversation into too much depth and get caught up in it emotionally.
My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago during an argument. We talked about things afterward and he says that he felt like I didn't care about his feelings. He was upset because I would always question his love and say he was going to leave me...I have some abandonment issues...but he was always really good to me and we have a lot in common and had lots of fun together and very similar values and beliefs. He said he tried to make things work and still cared about me but he felt like I couldn't see how HE felt...truthfully I care about him a lot but have been abandoned a lot and don't have very high self esteem. He has always been very understanding but I guess he got fed up? Anyways he said that we could stay friends and that I could talk to him and even said something about maybe some day we could try again after we both worked on some things....but now he's not responding to me at all. I decided to not contact him for at least a month or two but I'm confused about why he was still talking to me as a friend and wont now..and is there a chance? Should I just move on and try to forget? I feel so lost.
Have you already completed the NC? I suggest doing so first as perhaps right now, he needs some space as well to recover which is why he isn't texting you. Likewise, you too should take this time to work on your self-esteem issues to give yourself more confidence in the people around you. At least with a clearer state of mind, you're able to decide again then whether to stay or walk away once you can see the picture clearly for what it is.
Hey , my ex broke up with me and we were living together and he moved away etc. We have to keep contact for the flat. I begged and cried at the begining , then I did the no contact rule for a month. During that no contact I realized I was a bad girlfriend because I was making reproaches and sometimes was moody. He really loved me ( first girl he presented to his fam ever, told me it was different , longest relationship , had a flat..) but I'm really scared that he will never want me back because I was a bit lunatic. and annoying I changed now and I'm better. He acts cold, he never texts me and during the break up he said he knew that I would never change but I see he watches all of my stories on snapchat so he still seems to care as he stalks me somehow. What should I do..
Hi Mel, since it has been some time you guys have broken up, perhaps you could always start by initiating casual contact with him to check in on how he's doing and if you want to, apologize for your behavior in the past. It's all about baby steps, and slowly working towards your goal. Start off as friends and regain his trust and give him time to see that you have changed.
Hey Ryan thanks for the reply. Wednesday I met him for the flat and he got mad at me because he took something I said wrong ( I said " are you upset that I took the broken computer to repair it ?"). He told me that I was always reversing the situation and making reproaches. I said that I was sorry that he took it wrong , and that I didn't want to make any reproach, I wanted to show him that I was different , by saying sorry with a calm sweet voice , but I don't think he even noticed , as he just believed I was making a reproach anyway , like when we were together... He hasn't been watching my snapchat stories since then , I'm really worried , I'm scared that he believes that I can't change,3 weeks ago he chatted with my twin and said that I'd never change and that I "wasn't the right one" but appeared to be jealous ( thought I had another BF.). I'm scared that he remembers only bad memories ( when I'd be lunatic for ex and make a crysis over nothing) and that it avoids him from wanting me back.. I just feel like the more time goes the more he realises life is better without me as he doesn't feel opressed anymore ( he told me he was often felt anxious that I'd get mad or smthing..) or that he doesn't let me be close to him because he doesn't want to live all of this again.. Whenever we meet , he is extra cold and acts like if I was a stranger to him..
Maybe its still too soon if that's the case. Perhaps even more time is needed in order for him to actually let go of the past. We all do eventually, but it's just a matter of how long.
So what does that mean and what should I do ? Also a little update : I guess he was busy this week end so couldn't check on social medias but he watched my snapchat stories tonight , I'll see him tomorrow as we "give back the flat", it's going to be really painful for me..
See how things go tomorrow, and like I say, perhaps its still too soon and he needs more space. In which case, I suggest continuing with NC for a longer period of time before trying to be friends with him again.
Hello thanks again for the response ! I survived! It was really hard. I saw my ex. He was neutral ( kinda) , and asked how my leg is going (it's broken) , last time we met , he didn't...! I was talking to the lady about the flat and signing some papers and I noticed he was looking at me from time to time , looking at my face..( I hope I didn't look too ugly bcs I had a long day) . He had weird eyes , like idk if it was sadness or pity or idk ( or maybe he was like " How did I do to fall inlove with her she isn't really beautiful..!!). I also found out that he kept a furniture he told me he couldn't " bring me back " and that he would " throw" to sell it online.. Kinda selfish move , it was belonging to us both but he didn't want to keep it at the begining , he was " too lazy" to make anything of it so " decided" to "throw it away". When we left the flat , I was deeply hoping that he would ask me if I needed help going back home ( it's really hard , 3 bus and 1 train to go from there to my house and with my broken leg...!!!). He said " Well , bye " and turned his back and got into his car. I wonder if he still loves me because he doesn't seem to care about me anymore.. I'll do the nc again because now we have no more reasons to see/chat each other ( Apart from the computer he wants back and repaired!!!) but I'm scared that he meets someone and falls inlove with her , and forget me..? He hangs out a lot and his friends are like really party guys and they will make him go to parties and stuffs so yeah..
Update : I saw that his mom deleted me from everywhere ( she is kinda the one who pushed the break up as she got kicked out of her flat by her ex and she went to live with us but a week after took a flat with my ex which led to the break up but she wasn't the reason but he " took the opportunity" to get away from me and my bad behaviors...). It destroyed me , like really bad. I also saw on snapchat that he is at the restaurant ( thanks to the localisation thing , I accidently opened it and saw he was somewhere new and looked where..). As we are finally done since today ( no reasons to see each other anymore, flat stuffs done..) I'm scared that it's like a celebration ( he never goes to restaurant..). I'm really destroyed , I changed a lot, I'm a nicer and more relax person and stuffs and I evolved a lot , but I still am extremely sad from all of this and I'm really scared that he moves on forever..
Well, to be entirely honest, what he does now is beyond your control Melanie. It's going to be hard and although your worries may be justified (whether he dates someone else), you should still focus only on yourself regardless. Spend your NC time doing things that help you move on emotionally and physically; recover from that broken leg too. When all that is done, you can decide again how you feel about him, based on the situation.
I have dated a guy last year ago that I've find he's the man that matched with me but at the same time he wasn't my type. So during dating our relationship is about up and down since he wants a girl that I am not, and I want him to be the guy that he is not. But nevertheless he is gentleman and kind it was a really great date and I do truly enjoy my time with him, despite maybe he doesn't feel the same. So I decided to give a closure year ago, and blocked all the contacts. We never had a contact since a year. Maybe I was childish and demanding the ideal prince back then, but I've matured and realized how wrong I was back then and start accepting and analyzing things differently. That I'm ready to accept him for what he was. Anyway, I didn't know he was doing, if he has a new relationship nor his number anymore, but I do really miss him a lot and was thinking about saying hi to him again, asking how is life going anyway since I managed to find his facebook. I started to think that it was childish of me back then to block all contacts, but now I wanted to start by being a friend. But if he tells me that he already in relationship or enganged then I'll accept that and just back off. Does that sound creepy? Need opinion
No I don't think it sounds creepy. Since it's been a year, I think it would be okay to start off as friends again, and just ask him how he's doing.
Hi K,
So my bf broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for about 6 years. We meet right after high school and did not have much of an idea of what type of relationship we wanted. We both had SO at that time but we were very attracted to each other. We lived together for about 4 years, and still unsure what we wanted.. we really loved the friendship we had... I began talking to a guy for about a year or so at my job and he became very controlling because he did not like that i lived with my best friend and wanted me to himself. I dropped him and he stalked me for a few months and somehow found out where my bff worked and left him a nasty letter about me. This is when we both realized we wanted to be more than friends. We both felt like crap and wanted to make things work. Fast forward to a year and a half later, he cheats on my with his ex. I became distant because I was hurt. He moved out and pushed himself back into my life. Did not let me do any grieving or processing. I did not want to lose him. The last two years of our relationship were complicated. It was hard for both of us to express how we felt. He turned to emotional relationships with other females but I still stayed and wanted to provide that for him. I trusted him but when stuff like this occurred I couldn't see anything good out of him, but I still wanted him. He expressed he made stupid mistakes and did not understand why. I always tried to justify his actions by my behavior and childhood issues. He was a loving and caring individual but I was blindsided by all of the hurt. A couple of months ago he asked me no to leave him because he loved me and wanted to be with me. He needed me. I told him I was not going anywhere and we were going to work on this. At the end of October he dumped me because he could not commit to our relationship any longer. I learned he is talking to a new girl. She is everything he has wanted in a girl. She is perfect. And this makes me feel like crap. He has denied it.I saw him in my future, I wanted him to be in my future, but I do not think he saw me in his. He pulled off the "its not me its you" card on me. It has been a hard transition when you talk and see someone for so long and you stop cold turkey. I have my moments but I am working through them and allowing myself to cry and feel all of my emotions. I know I do not have a chance with him anymore... but I am still hopeful. He is out and about doing his thing. From the last text message he asked if thought it was easy for him and he was hurting too and he was sorry i was hurting.. all of our pictures from social media have been deleted on his account. He is really interested in this new girl. It has been about a week with NC and reading this articles is making me wonder if the NC period would even matter to him. I am always told follow your heart.. but I have in the past and this is where it brought me. I am still confused but doing the step necessary for self growth and love.
Hey There,
Following your heart usually means following what you want emotionally and instinctively, and that is usually the wrong decision to make. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that you want him back but sometimes you have to follow you brain instead and do the logical thing to be fair to yourself. Not every relationship is worth getting back for especially if it's going to continue hurting you in the process. NC is not meant for him at the end of the day but for you, Milly. It's meant for you to get past the hurt, grief and crying, and back the point of a functional person. It's only at this stage that you decide again if you want him back, or realize that your feelings for him been blinding you from seeing any truth. It's like you say, we make excuses for our partners at times because our judgement is clouded and NC is meant for you to uncloud that judgement.
You are right. The NC is for me not for him. He’s been pretty clear through his behavior and actions that he never cared about me or took me seriously. It’s very unfortunate because we both held on for so long, but it is a learning experience for me. Despite still loving him and hurting still, I know he will never be the right one for me.
Is it normal to feel indifferent?
Different people will face different emotions, but signs of indifference can mean that you've already accepted the outcome mentally, which is a good thing.
Hi, so my ex has been texting me a lot more frequently the last couple of days. We’ve been talking about school and has expressed he misses my younger siblings and would like to see them. At this point I still feel I’m reading more into these messages than I should be because he’s still in communication with the girl he’s interested in. It makes me wonder what he wants. I know I need to set boundaries, but how? I enjoy texting him because my mood changes, positively. What do I do!
when i think the conversation is over he’ll start a new topic. hes also said he’d been fighting the urge to text me and his misses his best friend.
Hello, so my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after we’ve been together for a year. It was a long distance most of the time but we were planning to get married soon. We had planned out our future and everything together already. But I got super drunk about a month ago and ended up in bed with some guy I barely knew. I didn’t remember what happened to me that night and neither did the guy that was with me. I was traumatized and freaked out in the morning because I was in pain and naked in bed alone. I found the used condom next to my bed a few minutes later when I got out of bed. I called my friend and she told me she couldn’t help me right at the moment and she told me I shouldn’t call the police because they wouldn’t do anything since both that guy and I didn’t give consent into having sex with each other plus we both were really drunk and we’re under aged for drinking. So the next thing I did was calling my boyfriend and told him what happened since my friend couldn’t help me. At that time I was still shocked and traumatized my story was all over the place and it probably didn’t make a lot of sense. Anyway, my boyfriend broke up with me that day. We were on the phone twice that day and we haven’t talked since then. I was acting super needy and clingy for about 3 days, then I stopped. Then about 2 weeks later I texted him on Snapchat for advice and ended up asking him what he was up to. The one that hurt the most was him telling me he was talking to a girl. I didn’t say anything about it and ended the conversation with other things that he told me about. I cried all day and night for the next 4-5 days. Since then, we haven’t texted each other but then he called me but I didn’t answer. I texted him back to tell him I was busy and that I’ll call back later. He texted me back and said that our friend needs help so I called him back a few minutes later and sure enough it our friend and the side of the phone call. And I texted him to asked if I could call him but he said no so I didn’t because I know he still needs some time. It’s been about 2 weeks since those it happened and I haven’t talked to him or texted him at all since then. He hasn’t blocked me at all in anything and he told our friends we still have a friendship but there’s a 95% chance that he will not get back to getting with me because nonetheless, I cheated on him even if it was out of drunkenness. I just bought the EBP advanced system and I’ve already finished reading it. Do you there’s anything chance Time we heal both of us and with time and effort will I be able to regain his trust back and get back together and have a strong relationship?
Hey Kim,
If it's as you said, you're both still relatively young, and that leads to more impulsive decisions. If he still wants to remain friends with you, then it might be a good thing since he hsan't cut you off. Perhaps if you want, you could start off casually by building his trust and friendship again before working your way to something more from there. Trust can usually be earned but it takes time and effort.
My ex boyfriend contacted me on my 30th day of NC. He reached and we ended up hanging out two days in a row. The second night was with friends and it was like old times. It wasn’t weird. It was a little awkward because we are still trying to figure out how this works. But we haven’t discussed the idea of getting back together or what we are. I think that conversation is a little too soon and too much pressure. But after the second day, he said he would call me and he still hasn’t. I have not spoken to him since Sunday. Would it be rushing it if I were to message him or should I always wait for him to make the initial contact? I’ve worked on myself and honestly life has picked up for me. But I’m not sure where we stand. When we hung out, it’s like we picked up where we left off. We just fit but I don’t want to fall back in old routines.
What should I do?
Hey Kathie,
My suggestion would be to probably wait until Friday then you could drop a casual text if you want to to ask him what he's up to over the weekend?
I did exactly what you said and we agreed to hang out this upcoming weekend. How do I treat the situation? I want to try to make us work in time but I want to do it slowly without rushing it. I’m not sure where his feelings lye. How do I convey this and how do I act?
Like I said, treat it casually. You don't want to fall back into old routines so you shouldn't pour your heart and emotions to him this early. Depending on what you guys are doing, my suggestion would be to limit your approaches on physical contact, and basically treat it like it was a first date (if you are meeting him in the evening). At least let him take the initiative and you'll be able to get a better picture on where his feelings lie.
Hello Kevin and team. Your advice has been invaluable to me so far.
I have a question: if my ex and I didn't break up on good terms (some nagging and me being clingy until he stopped replying to my messages), at the end of No Contact is it better to write an "elephant in the room" text, a hand written letter, or send one of the other kinds of texts as if nothing happened?
Hi Karen,
Well technically, things didn't end on ugly terms, he probably just ended up annoyed and hence why he stopped replying. If you were initiate contact again, I suggest it should be as casual as possible, possibly a text to start things off, instead of a letter. You shouldn't completely pretend that nothing happened but acknowledge that you were clingy back then and just apologize for it, before moving on to a different topic.
My fiance and I were having a lot of issues because I felt like he was putting his friends over me ALL THE TIME. We had been together almost 5 years when we got in a huge fight and I asked him to leave and not come back till he figured out how I fit in his life. He agreed and it has now been 22 days since he has lived with me. In that 22 days I've seen him like 4 times and at first we were talking briefly every day but after he had been gone 12 days I ended it and asked him to get all his stuff. I have not reached out to him in 7 days. I do reply to him when he reaches out only because we have a lot of financial stuff I am trying to get settled but it is strictly business. Even when he tries to small talk I just redirect the conversation. Anyways...he hasn't reached out since Thanksgiving. We have a side job we signed up for together and have an obligation for that this week which assuming he shows up will be the first time I'll see him in 16 days. Looking back I realize that instead of making home somewhere he would rather be than with his friends I was always constantly nagging him which made the choice of friends or me even easier. I want him back! Any suggestions for me? As I said I am doing the no contact thing already. I have been spending time with friends and doing other things that make me feel good about myself. I am nervous to see him this week as I don't know if I'll be able to keep my emotions in tact. He still hasn't picked up his stuff and while it hurts to see it still there, it also gives me hope that he might realize he misses me and come home.
Hi there,
As you guys have been together for a long time and are even engaged, I don't think he will lose feelings for you that easily. However, it's also as you said, maybe he didn't feel that home was a place he wanted to be and this could have been a factor pushing him away. The fact that he hasn't picked up his stuff yet either means that he expects to see you one day again still. Perhaps see what happens during this week at the work thing you guys have and play it out from there. If you really want him back, you definitely to control your emotions but at the same time, make sure that you do not keep pushing opportunities away to get close to him once more.
Hey, glad that I found here, My ex and I matched on Tinder, but we are long distance, I am in Taiwan and he is in the states, we dated for almost two month, were having so much spark, I even went to states visited him just making sure he is the guy that I want, it turned out, I truly love him, and I think he is the one for me, I think I am the one who screwed this relationship up, I can tell him loved me or still love me by sharing his days with me, but he said he wanna be friend with me first, and he can't commit to a person who is far away, we already have plan to move together after two years, and he is also going to me see in Feb, 2018 for a week, what should I do? I haven't texted him since today, he texted me early this morning, I didn't reply, I really don't know what to do?
Hi Tracy,
Perhaps since you know he isn't able to commit to a relationship when you're so far away, it might be better to protect your own heart and brace for anything that may happen in the future. A long distance relationship is never easy, but your actions will really be determined by what you want. If you want to be with him no matter how difficult it may be, then you should continue talking to him to see where it heads until Feb, but try to do so casually so that you won't get hurt.
Dear Kevin,
I had a long distance relationship, which ended because my boyfriend wanted to be alone. He had many bad relationships with really short breaks between them. We have been together for almost a year, everything was great, he always told me that I make him happy, till the moment we broke up. When saying goodbye he asked me to write him, because he doesn't want to loose me because he has feelings for me, even if he doesn't feel right to tell me, that he loves me... I am prepared to get in touch with him, as I changed my life and become a happy person and I have good news, like I have applied to the master university we planned to go and not for him, but myself. I don't know how and when to tell him, he will ask about it directly, I know. Can you advise me? In January he will go to an Academy and I am concerned that this news will make him push me away or to see a pattern, that his grandparents and parents had. Both of them had a break and lived in long-distance. I think he actually broke up thinking that this method would work for us to. Could you please advise how should I tell him the good news to not appear needy and to make it in my advantage?
Kindest regards,
Eve
Hi Eve, as this is part of initiating contact with your ex once again, I suggest finding a good time to write to him casually or however you guys normally communicate. You can always start by asking him how things are going and making small talk at the start before updating him on the changes in your life.
Hi Ryan,
I wrote him last night and the conversation went pretty well, he sometimes acted cold and then he was like in old times, all open and crazy. I wanted to keep things short, so when I was just about to write the goodbye text, he sent me one. So, I kinda of freeze but told him, that oh, I was just thinking the same thing and that I should go to bed too, because I promised a friend to hit the gym in the morning. I closed the message saying that it was nice talking and that maybe we could catch up another time and good night. The answer came right away he wrote that we should catch up. I don't know, if he managed to send the goodbye text earlier than me,I mean we wanted to say good night in the same time, is it a big problem...? I am thinking of writing him in 2 days... What do you think? Was the ending part too shady? Should I write him in 3 days instead of 2, if he won't contact me? Kindest regards, Eve
Hey Eve,
Don't overthink things. I think the fact that he agreed to catching up soon was a good first step forward. Waiting 2 or 3 days is not the important part. What's important is how you feel about things and whether he starts contacting you again. If he doesn't, then you could always ask him out for a coffee sometime when possible (I'm not sure of the convenience since you said you were in a LDR).
Hi Ryan,
Yes, we were in long distance relationship and for us meeting for a cup of coffee, would mean a voice call. We had a second conversation, which was longer than the first one and he asked me about the changes I made. I told him a couple of examples (didn't mentioned the university application) and he seemed to be happy about them, however this time he acted colder. I know, that each start is hard and I wouldn't like to give up now. I would like to achieve somehow a voice call, because we are both better at it than typing. One of the triggers I have, is my voice, he really liked it a lot and that's something that would make him miss me more. Do you think it would be a good idea or to early to ask him, if he would like to call and catch up? Or should I continue with texting and maybe a few snaps? It might sound silly, but I don't want to mess up things right now. From our conversation I felt like he is not happy, his words somehow suggested that he might regret breaking up. Could you please advise or just give me a man opinion? Kindest regards, Eve
Hi Ryan,
A little bit of update. He asked me about university application and we somehow ended up agreeing that our next conversation will be a voice call. I am pretty happy about that, hope it will go well. Some advice on that? It will be just a simple call, so no video-chat.
That's good to hear Eve. Yes, a simple call would suffice and try to limit the amount of small talk for the start but perhaps end the call on some sort of 'cliff hanger' so that there will be a reason to interact again.
Hi Ryan,
We had the voice call. Honestly, I am not sure how did it went, however when I told him about a few changes he asked about, he was like telling me this continuously: It's really good to hear that/ I am glad that... I tried to keep my answers short and let him to talk more. As a boomerang, the university subject came up and he seemed to be really interested in what I am going to do. I told him, that among another uni I have also applied to the same uni he is going. He seemed okay. He acted once cold but he opened up a bit, however I sensed that he was affected hearing my voice. I knew that my voice and face is one of his weaknesses and I took advantage of it. Because of bad internet connection, our conversation was interrupted and after a few tries we stopped calling. Seeing that he wrote: "It was nice catching up with you", I kind of had the feeling that he tries to go away... I mentioned that we didn't really finished the conversation, to which he replied that we will do that another day. Not knowing what to do, I wrote him the following: "Yes, I just thought that we will have more time to talk, but it's fine. Perhaps you could write sometimes to catch up properly or just to simply talk." His answer was: "I will, and it's more nice to talk than write, so talk to you later." I feel like an idiot now. This was two days ago and he didn't wrote since then... I don't know what to do, if it would be worth to try again after a couple of days if he won't contact me. I was thinking about sending him an elephant message, just to make clear that I have accepted the break up and so on. But don't know if it's a good idea. Is it possible that he got more affected by the voice call than I thought he was? I know, that here is a lot of information, but could you please help me Ryan?
Thank you in advance, Eve
Hi Ryan,
Now it has been a week already. No talking, haven't written to him. Should I contact him? I promised him a receipe... I was thinking to send it, and perhaps it would be a good push for a conversation. What do you think?
Kind regards,
Eve
Hi Eve,
Yes, you could contact him to send him the recipe as intended and see how things go from there. If he isn't contacting you at the start, it might be better to slowly build back a habit of doing so by occasional calls or texts to get him used to the idea of talking to you again.
Hi Ryan,
I have sent him the recipe after which he started a conversation, which went pretty well, we laughed and talked about some interesting subjects too. We talked for like 3 hours and a bit. The conversation ended in a "cliff hanger". I was really happy about it till I got a text from him saying that he is really happy that we talked and he would like to do that again as he had fun and he saw that I have changed and he doesn't want to loose me as a friend. Ouch, I think I have might entered the friend zone... How I got out of that? We were in long distance relationship and soon he will leave to an academy which will last for 6 months. Lucky me, due to my project, I will be sent to that academy for a week in 2 months to write an article about it. How could I get out of being a friend till I got to the academy? Is there any chance for that? We have even flirted a bit today in a very obvious way... I start to be confused now but I want to make this work since I have begun it. Any advice?
Thank you very much!
Hi Ryan,
I just found out that I will be there for Valentine's day with a co-worker. I don't know what should I do till then and when I am there...
Take things easy. It's highly common for an ex to see you as a friend first. You just have to build an emotional connection with him over time, and continue with your conversations as per normal so that habits are formed and he gets used to texting you. Also, 2 months is a long time from now. You can probably make things work by then, don't think too far ahead for now. Just focus a day at a time and continue building your bond with him.
Hi Ryan,
What if I am the one who is always texting? When can I expect that to change?
It's hard to say, but typically if you keep him interested enough and build on habits, he would get used to the idea and becomes the one that would initiate from time to time.
Hi Ryan,
I know that you might be annoyed by me already but you were right. He initiated contact and we videochated. This was the first time when he actually saw me after the break up. He was smiling all the time and he apologiezed for hurting me which really surprised me just like the fact that he told me, he doesn't want a relationship for a couple of months, he wants to focus on himself. I was happy that he told me all these things from his own will. However, he made me a little bit confused. This week he hanged out with his first love, Nadia, who is in a relationship. Being drunk Nadia confessed him that she doesn't love her boyfriend and she would like to try it with my ex. He told me that when beeing in previous relationships, he would have broken up if Nadia would have ask him to do that. He told me that he is really confused because when meeting me and being with me Nadia was just a friend, an old memory for him and now, he wants to be single... What does this mean? He told me that he would like another videochat with me when returning from the New Years weekendhouse and he also offered me to help me with my univeristy things if I would like to. He knows that I will go to the academy and he told me he can't wait to see me, however I am concerned regarding Nadia... Is she just a bad habbit for him or what is she? When being with me he didn't want her and now... I am confused... What should I do? Building attraction no matter what and not ask about Nadia? Could you please help me?
Thank you very much and a Happy New Year!
I would suggest that you focus only on building attraction. By asking about Nadia, you may come across as someone jealous or petty and your ex may catch on to that. You don't want your actions to ultimately push him away from you and to her.
Hi, my GF broke up with me on the 4th of this month. Happened so suddenly. Turns out she was feeling up and down for the last 6 months. She would be happy and she wouldn't be. We were together for a year and a half. Her reasons were that she no longer found me attractive and she didn't feel the same about me. She wasn't in love with me as I was in love with her. The most she could do is hug, kiss and hold my hand. That's it. She deleted our photos together on Facebook and Instagram. We are still friends on Facebook and instagram, however. I broke no contact after 5 days. I texted her if she would still like to talk. she didnt mind talking when we both had time she said. We used to text all the time everyday. During my lunch break she would text me and during the night before bed. Needless to say this stopped. She wouldn't text me back and forth like she did back then. No texts during my lunch break either. There would be large time gaps in between texts. So, one night I asked her if we would ever see each other again. She said she didn't plan on it because it would be weird. I told her that we didn't end things on a bad note. Then she said maybe. " A long time from now when she feels less weird about it." So I asked her if she still likes talking to me. She said yes, or else she would have said so if she didn't. After a week of texting, I started No contact again 9 days ago. I don't know if telling her I was going ghost was a good idea or not. I told her I was going to work on myself physically and mentally and that we need time, About a month or so. Her response was, that she thought it was a good idea and to take as much time as I need, and then we would see where we are at. I obsess over that response. Does it seem she would try things again? It sounds like a chance to me. Im her longest relationship to date. We got along so well and we rarely fought. Keep in mind I did all this prior to finding out this website. Im also keeping a journal to write my thoughts in each day of no contact. I find it beneficial and having a piece of mind letting my thoughts flow out. I have been going to the gym and working out since the break up I lost 11 lbs currently and I am looking and feeling better. I do have trouble at work as I constantly think about her. Slowly, I'm regaining my personality back instead of being sorry for myself every hour of the day. I have also decided to use social media as a tool. Since her and I are still friends on Facebook, I have uploaded pics of my progress so I am certain she has seen my photos of my ongoing progress. She found me attractive before when I was working out in the beginning, I think she will again. I have read the articles on this website countless times. I have started talking to other women on dating apps and that helps out quite a bit. I still have a while to go and to heal. I am hopeful her and I would get back together. Any input would be appreciated.
Hey Eddie,
I think you're doing good so far. You mentioned that you did all those prior to finding our website which is impressive and means you probably have good self-awareness and discipline. Personally I don't think a relationship should be all about physical attractiveness but everyone varies. If you really love her and are willing to go through the change (at least this is a healthy change you're going through that will benefit you regardless of whether you get back together with her or not), then I don't see why she wouldn't develop some form of interest towards you again, since the reason she first gave the breakup was owing to your physical appearance. Take your time on the healing process and only when you feel ready, initiate contact with her again.
Thank you, another reason she said she broke up with me is because she didn't miss me when I would leave. Just only superficially, in her own words. Although she did mention I did nothing wrong at all. I treated her right and stayed loyal. She didn't feel any romance towards me anymore. but she also said that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me and also cared deeply about me as well. I think another factor was because I smothered her with too much affection. I was moving too fast with her and I guess that drove her away. We are pretty new to the dating thing. She is my third girlfriend and I am her third boyfriend. She doesn't know if she wants kids or wants to get married. I am 25 and she is 26. I never begged her. Not even during the week we texted after the break up. I'm going to try to re-attract her and approach her in a different way, slowly. This is going to take a few months, I think. This is something I've never done before. I'm going for broke here, but I'm hoping for the best and planning for the worst.
All the best Eddie. I'm glad you're capable of thinking in this manner, most people aren't and that's why many individuals don't seem to be able to get their exes back even if they wanted to. Yes you're right as well, there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. You've got to re-ignite your spark with her and not in a way that could die out so easily.
Why would my ex be cold to me and show animosity when she’s the one that broke up with me? It’s been two months and I have completed no contact. I’ve contacted her on four different ocassions using the different texting tactics recommended. Therefore non of the texts were boring. Out of those four ocassions she’s responded only twice. The no contact I felt wasn’t as effective as it could’ve been bc we work together and have on three different ocassions been at the same place outside of work due to coworkers functions. We barely speak and when we do it’s usually just hi. Anytime I try to have a light conversation it’s usually met with resistance and animosity. Which I find odd since she dumped me. I haven’t begged her to take me back, I haven’t been rude to her, I haven’t done the sort of things that would make her annoyed with me, so why is it that I’m being met with hostility? Quick backstory, I’m 32 she’s 24 and I’m her first and only boyfriend and she’s filled with anxiety and She just recently acknowledged a traumatic experience from her past. What do you think?
I'm not sure on the context of the breakup but bear in mind that our methods aren't full proof since you're dealing with human emotions and feelings. It could have been the case where she's moved on or might have had a negative experience with you hence why she's been ignoring you or treating you nonchalantly. Alternatively, it might be because of her anxiety that she's pushing you away. Either way, if you can figure out why, maybe it would help you in deciding on what you should do next.
I sent my initial post on the 20th but didn’t see it posted. Basically, we broke up in September. I knew it was coming as we had been fighting a lot. We dated for almost a year. I am 32 and she is 23. I was her first boyfriend and only boyfriend. I was her first meaningful kiss, first person to make out with, etc etc. She said from the beginning that things would have to move slow, extremely slow. I was okay with that because she’s amazing. However, things became difficult quickly as in the beginning she would spend more time with her friends, showed little affection and just shut down most of my romantic advances. Things got better as she begin to trust me more, open up more, showed a bit more affection, etc, but it was still moving at an incredibly small pace and things were building up. Recently, she bought a friend of hers(female friend) a $500 camera after the friend said she was interested in photography. Now, mind you the friend is extremely depressed, but still. That bothered me because of the thought that she put into her friend wasn’t the same with me. At one point I even questioned if she was a lesbian and didn’t realize it. I could go into much more detail with why the friendship with others bothered me and the things of that nature, but I don’t want to make the post too long. Basically it concludes with me feeling as if I didn’t matter to her as much as her friends did. I realize know her circumstances are completely different then “normal” relationships. If being in her twenties and never having a meaningful relationship was tough enough for her, she was molested by a family member and she repressed it for a long time, so that made it very difficult for her to be affectionate with me. Which I understood, but at the same time that made it difficult for me as I am someone that likes to show affection. When we go out she often had the “resting bitch face” sorry for the term, but most accurate in describing the look. Which bothered me to no end and made me feel like crap and put me in a bad mood, which made her do the same. It bothered me so much because she didn’t have that face with her friends. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all the time, but it happened enough for me to get upset about it. So in the course of our year together, I had three friends pass away. The first two funerals I didn’t invite her to, I wasn’t ready for her to see me that vulnerable. (Yes, I know that wasn’t the best idea, I have growing to do too.) But it was the last one that really messed things up. About a month ago my ex committed suicide and left me in her note. I was devastated when I found out about it. I was on my way to a birthday party when I got the message. I told my girlfriend at the time that I couldn’t make it. Something bad happened and I needed to process it. Now, that friend I mentioned earlier, her mom is dying of cancer. So on the weekend the three of us would sometimes drive five hours away to visit. This time I wasn’t going with, but my girlfriend was. So I didn’t know how to process the emotions so I didn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t want her to have to choose from going with her friend as they were driving late at night or staying to help me. I also didn’t know how to tell my girlfriend that I was having a lot of emotions about my ex committing suicide. In the weeks that followed, I shut down. (Which was the final nail in the coffin) She tried to be super affectionate with me and accommodating, but I told her to stop. I said you’re hardly affectionate when things are good and that the only time you are extremely affectionate is when something bad happens. This really hurt her feelings and she said that what I said was true, but that’s how she is. She never had that when she was growing up, so it was important for her to give it to people she cared about and that’s how we’d grow as a couple. That night we were on the verge of splitting, but decided to keep going. Unfortunately, as I started to really get her and understand where she was coming from, she put her guard up, built a wall, and wouldn’t let me climb back over to the other side. So last night she said it just wasn’t working, which it wasn’t, but I started to make my change a little too late as she had had enough. I hope this made sense as I know it was a lot and I definitely wasn’t as thorough as I could’ve been. The thing is, I agree we weren’t happy, but I truly believe she’s the right person for me and with my better understanding of her, I feel that I could do better and that we could be better. I’ve completed no contact which wasn’t in my opinion fully effective bc we work together, but she’s showing signs of animosity. If I text her using the texting techniques half the time she’ll reply half the time she won’t. I don’t know what to do next. What are your thoughts?
hey! about 3 days ago one night, my ex and i got into a huge argument. i ended it but immeadietly regretted it and tried to fix it the next morning. we met up and he proceeds to tell me that he is deeply in love with me and always will be but wants to focus on himself right now. he told me that he wants to discover his hobbies, goals, etc. i lost it. i cried my eyes out and begged him not to do it. i was completely desperate and pathetic and he got so angry that he completely pushed me away. it made me feel good that he kept saying he promised he would marry me and that he would always be in love with me but it still tore me apart. we’ve been dating for 5 years (not including breakups) and he’s done this multiple times. why does he keep doing it? every single time he comes right back to admit that he was wrong and i am the only one for him and he needs me in his life because i make him happier. i don’t understand young men at all. we’re in college by the way, if that helps any :(
Hey there,
Sometimes as human beings, our emotions get pent up and without a proper channel of release to let go of the negative emotions, eventually it would overflow into the form of 'needing space'. That may answer your question as to why he keeps doing it but comes back. Perhaps you should find out if he feels overwhelmed by the relationship emotionally which is why he feels that he needs to walk away from it temporarily to get some breathing room for himself? At least that way, you guys may be able to work something out or he may feel that you are able to empathize with him.
Hi, Ive been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. We've been good and had our ups and downs like a regular relationship. Last week Wednesday, I broke up with him. He thinks that I need space but I really don't because I'm fine, but I feel as though he is the one who really needs space. I wanted to have a conversation with him about it, so i continued to text and call him so we can talk about what we need to do. After i did all that, he said that I'm starting to get on his nerves, I'm the one who needs space, he just wants to live his life, I'm bothering him and all this other crap. So thats when I broke up with him, and blocked him on everything and social media. The other night after this argument i tried to text him, but he already blocked me from everything. I texted him from my brother's phone apologizing to him (i don't know why) asking for us to talk about our relationship, and how I didn't really mean to break up with him I was just mad. We've actually "fake broken up with each other" and got back together because we realized its petty to break up over something stupid. But this time when I actually break up with him, he really cut me off. And its been a week since we haven't talked. I just really want him back and i know this is something we can fix, all we have to do is communicate and talk about what we need to work on. Im just praying he talks to me eventually, but at the same time I'm feeling like he really isn't. I don't know what to do.
Hey There,
I'm sorry to hear that but if you felt that he needed space and made the decision to break up, perhaps you might need to accept the fact he's going to take that space and place barriers on the two of you since it was convenient. If he does love you, give him the space he needs and he will come back. Otherwise, it may be better to consider moving on as this may have been what he actually wanted but lacked the courage to do/say anything.
Hello, Kevin! It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and she haven't spoken to me yet ever since. The reason of our break up is that I was about to go to their house for an overnight and I've spoken about it with my mom. At first she agreed because she called my girlfriend's mom and then the next morning, my girlfriend's mom texted me that I can no longer come because it was raining hard. after a while i tried to convince my mom to go like for 30 mins only to find out later that day that my mom badmouthed my girlfriend's mom. I was shocked by what happened and I kept on saying sorry to my girlfriend and her mom at the same time and on the same evening, my girlfriend broke up with me because of what my mother did. What should I do? We haven't spoken in 3 weeks and I've tried NC for a week then I messaged her last November 19 and continued the NC. Please help me. I really want her back but i don't know how and when to start :(
Hey Patricia,
Since the main issue right now is that your ex and her mom are upset with your mom which in turn is directed at you, perhaps it would be best to continue with NC to give them some space to cool off and let it go before approaching her again to apologize and maybe start off as friends to earn your ex's mom's respect once more.
hello again! so today, i went to their house after a month, bought a pizza and told her mom and my girlfriend sorry. her mom gladly accepted it and we chat around for an hour but my girlfriend still doesn't want to talk to me. she keeps on saying she doesn't want anything based on hate and then i told her that im sorry about everything again and then i'll be there for her and once i got home, i messaged my girlfriend and told her i'll just wait even if there's nothing to wait and then i texted her mom, thanking her for giving me a chance.
do i still stand a chance with my girlfriend? what shall i do? her mother told me that in time, things will be okay.... :( please help me i still want her back...
She also cried when she saw me and while she was talking. I really wanted to comfort her but she keeps resisting. Is there any chance? We only broke up because of a bad situation but we never really had any issues before that. I want her back, really!! :(
Hey there, all you can do at this point is to be patient and have a little faith. I think your ex will come around eventually but you just have to give her time to let go of her negative emotions. It may be longer than expected but as I've said, be patient. Her mom has forgiven you already and I think it will be okay eventually.
Well, yeah you're right. 5 days ago she approached me. She said we're friends. I never agreed but I just laughed but these past few days I'm trying to make her feel comfortable but what happened is the other way around. We're talking but it's like i don't know. Still mad at me? What should I do? She never told me she forgave me but she is talking to me and then she's not. I think it's a hot and cold situation. I don't know. Please help :(
Helpppp :------(
Hey there,
if she's still acting hot and cold towards you, that means she has not entirely let go of the past incident. You may want to consider continuing to give her more space and time to let go of any negative emotions she has towards you before trying again.
Hi There! Im just looking for some helpful tips on my relationship. Story short im 24 I have 2 sons 1 and 3 with their father who is 31. We were together for 4 years just about happily until the past year. we moved from ohio to california lived there for 2 yrs(hes from there) things got rocky there was never any cheating but overtime accusations led to insecurities on both ends, lack of trust,and downhill from there. I recently moved back home with our sons and im having trouble processing everything with a clear mind without the emotions. its only harder to me because we now have children involved. I reached out to him in the very beginning ofus leaving and made a few fatal mistakes between calling/texting i miss yous etc,and even a social media breakdown although i deleted it shortly after, he has another gf out of nowhere (rebound lol) although i know, its hard to see after spending everyday with a person for 4 years. so I went into no contact mode for a few weeks, got the bad mom i cant see my kids speech, then an "I needed someone closer text" go on social media and hes crying out for attention basically posting vids of him and this new lady. NOW, I stopped all negative communication in the past 3 weeks everytime he'd call to speak to the kids and argue etc I'd hang up, he'd video call them i'd always make sure he didnt see my hurt and that I looked beautiful on the outside (a reminder lol) We have been able to communicate respectfully for about a week (after he realized calling me angry/disrespectfully out of hurt wasnt getting him anywhere but a hangup and time frame of space) he's started pulling it together. well see how long that last lol. although ive gone on a few dates, maintained my appearance, and backed off a bit, i still cant help the thoughts of wanting our family together. im slowly realizing Im not interested in anyone else, how can I accomplish this, without pushing him away? He wants us to move back, yet he has this rebound girl it doesnt help my thought process. I havnt told him I want him back yet i miss him or any of that out of fear, ive been trying to be more of a friend 1st. I dk what to do with this situation anymore I just wake up everyday and be the best mother I can be, whatever the day throws at me I catch and keep going. BUT soon im going to need to figure this out.
Hang in there Leah.
I think that even if you've figured out what you want to do, if the choice is to be together with him, it may be too soon to take any action since his temper is only slowly starting to improve as well as the fact that he is still together with the other lady. Also since you're only starting to regain your composure (emotionally), I suggest taking more time to focus on yourself and your kids.
Hello! Really need your help. We were in a distance relationship, everything was fine in the beginning (like always) He wanted marry me, while I was study language courses in the same city with him, dating every day, calls and texts. He even introduced me to his mom. We were planning make a wedding in the end of 2017, but when i came back to my city to finish all my stuff and to prepare for life with him he started text me less and I asked him whats going on, then he said he cant marry me because he is not a rich man and cant give me a good life, I was very upset and said your cant keep your promises??? And he said give me time for thinking and will tell his decision in the end of 2017 year (now November 2017) , I said I dont need his money or anything else, just him and he said believe me if one day i will rich i will marry you but dont wait for me, live your life. He started text less less less, now he stopped at all , me too, I stopped text to him and remind about my self and stopped post anything in my accounts, just to let him worry where I am. And after all our arguing about he cant marry or etc. he was silent but taking screenshots of my pics in snapchat. And before our silence I was asking him do you want to break up with me- If yes, tell me and i will never bother you again. He replied "I dont have an answer". Now exactly one month when we talked in message last time, he was asking hey what you are doing how are you, I said Im good thank you. Then silence 34 days till now. I wonder how he can be so calm and patient and dont texting am I ok or not. I dont know what to think or what to do ...Should I continue keep silence and not posting anything like Im dead, or start post in snapchat my beautiful pics and make him sad what he lost, really I dont know, Im so sad
Hey Ashlie,
Perhaps he might have lost feelings for you which is why he tried to make the relationship fade away. I think you should start posting to show that you're doing okay and since it's been awhile. If he has feelings for you, he will check in on you, if not it's better to move on.
Thanks a lot for reply. If he will check on me you mean just watch my pics or screenshots or comments ? And if he lost feelings is it possible that he will see me and will start to feel something again?
Hey Ashlie, as cliche as this sounds, anything is possible when it comes to emotions and relationships. Even if a person has lost feelings, as long as those feelings didn't turn into hatred or anger, there's always still a chance he/she may fall for their ex again. I guess right now, even if he only stalks your social media profile without talking to you, you shouldn't be bothered by it and simply focus on making yourself happy.
He texted me yesterday, I think because I checked his story in snapcahat (I wasnt checking one month) . But I didnt open his message yet and have no idea what exactly he texted. Dont know now what to do, Im so depressed.
Then you should open the message if the uncertainty of his intentions bother you. If you're feeling depressed, I would suggest perhaps spending more time with your friends or going out and continue doing things in general. At least this may take your mind off the overthinking a little.
Thank you . He didn't call me few months already but now he texted , is it a good way to wait a little bit and reply on his message later ? I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Is it a good idea act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth? Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... Now I have a plan : 1. Reply on his message later but with positive 2. Never text him first
3. Post my nice pics . Will it help me to get him back ? I want that he realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life .
Thank you . He didn't call me few months already but now he texted , is it a good way to wait a little bit and reply on his message later ? I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Is it a good idea act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth? Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... Now I have a plan : 1. Reply on his message later but with positive 2. Never text him first 3. Post my nice pics . Will it help me to get him back ? I want that he realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life .
He didn't call me few months already but now he texted and said that he still have money issues and can't marry me . I argued a bit but then turned in a good mood and said I'm sure you'll rich all your goals in life ... He replied thank you . That's all , now he keep silent again but I think he won't text me . I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth. Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... But I want him realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life . Now I have an idea , want to tell him that I'm agree with him that better not to marry and accepting it and if it's his desicion I respect it and etc., Is it a good idea? How it will affect him ?
Hi Ashlie,
This may affect people differently. It's sort of a pattern break from what he's used to you saying and make catch him off guard. It may work in helping your case, as it may make him think if what he did was the right thing. This is of course provided he has emotional depth and is capable of thinking in those lines. I agree with you as well that you should come across as being happy and carefree instead of acting weak. I suggest actually going about with your own life and working on your happiness as well in this process since you have the right mindset.
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
Hi,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and suddenly 3 weeks back he is saying he don't have feeling for me.
We were dancing partners and we known each other for 7 years. He promised me he will marry me and told each and every person this is my GF. But all of a sudden he changed.
I texted him, cried , called.. he dnt care anymore. He is saying try out another guy. Im not da perfect one for you. I cnt fulfill your dreams. i said i dnt need anything only him.
All i want to know is whether he will come back or not. i really love him
Perhaps you should try to understand if there is an underlying reason over why he broke up with you. It sounds like he feels inadequate, or he may not be being entirely honest about his own feelings towards you. Either way, if you really want him back, first you need to understand what the reason for breaking up was, before you can decide on what you should do next. If he really does not love you already, then it's best for now to move on and just focus on recovering from this break up. Who knows what may happen again in the future but the whole point of recovery is that you shouldn't be expecting it.
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
Hi Kevin, I've been 2 years together with my bestfriend. I've done the NC- period, now we hear eachother sometimes, but only for practical things. When we met 2 weeks ago to talk and give back our things, he cried because he misses me, but he doesn't want me back. He said he's an idiot to let a girl like me go, but he can't be in a relationship because his feelings are not strong enough anymore. To his best friend he said he is over me and doesn't want me back, never. He wants space but he is the one texting me, and he said I can still use his account for spotify. His friends don't understand him, they think he is making a big mistake. He still wants to be bestfriends. I see him back in 2 weeks with our mutual friends, and we are going to party together for NYE. What do I have to do? Is there still a chance I can make him fall back in love with me? And how can I make him fall back in love with me?
I guess you could if you're able to provide the spark he needs re-ignite his feelings for you. Sometimes if the relationship goes on for too long, it becomes stagnant and people may end up losing passion for each other. He may still love you but just that it he may possibly in a state where he's lost attraction for you (aka the spark) to keep the relationship going. I can't say for certain if you're definitely going to get back together with him (as it would depend on the context of what happened) but I can say, if you're willing to try, there's definitely a chance.
Thank you for your respons! He ended our relationship because I was too negative (I have had a stressfull period) but now I worked on myself. How can I make this spark come back?
Heyy. So I’m looking for some advice. Some guidance, some wisdom! Ok, so it’s been about 9 days 12 hours and 40 minutes since I have seen my fiancé. We have been dating for 3 years and we live together. 9 days ago I brought him to work and I haven’t seen him since! He contacted me days later saying he needed time and space. This absolutely broke me because In my head I thought things were going good! I thought we were getting better at communicating and I felt like we were going to be okay. I’m not going to lie to you we have done each other a significant amount of dirt- I’ve hurt him and he has hurt me. Our relationship started to go downhill when we reached a good 9 months living together. Maybe we rushed things, maybe we are too immature (we are 20 years old by the way) or i don’t know. We had a pretty good relationship I think. I was living in an abusive home and he pushed me to get out of there and it cost me my family but I’m no longer being abused. I cried myself to sleep every night for those six months and he became my everything. With everything that I have been thru I have some issues and that can happen to anyone. He has been thru a lot too and it also left an imprint in him. There is just so much more to the story but long story short- he has been contacting me on and off for the past week and hasn’t given me a specific answer as to wether or not we are broken up. His stuff is still at our house and I still have his PS4! It’s the fact that he left his PS4 behind that is really convincing me that he thinks we are not over. But are we? He says he’s hurting- but I’m the one who is now alone stuck in an apartment miles away from any family and stuck with all the bills. Should start this process ? Even tho we haven’t officially broken up ?? I’ve already done a few fatal mistakes- texting him and calling him crying. Even In a fit of rage I packed some of his belongings and drunkinly thru his stuff in front of his brothers house. So I need some help here on what to do.
Hi Ash,
What was he hurt about that required time and space? It seemed like you guys were doing fine unless his issue was a pent up one? Right now, what I can advice you is to be strong and yes, avoid doing things that may scare him (aka your last few sentences). Also, it's better if you get an answer out of him because he left you in limbo so you know how to proceed but don't pressure him too much into it, especially if you want the relationship to work as that will push him further away. If you feel that it's not an appropriate time to talk to him, then you could always start with the no contact rule first.
Hey, I've been with this boy for past 1,5 years. We had a long distance relationship and four weeks ago he broke up with me but said that he still has feelings for me. It was a very serious relationship and we wanted to move in together but it failed. We wrote each other the last weeks and now I decided no contact.
Now I have no idea how I can ask for a appointment (step 4) because he is so far away that it's impossible to meet only for a coffee. I have to travel about six hours by train...
So how I can do this step? Asking for a coffee and traveling 12 hours at one day only for a short talk?
Thank you for reading this
Hey Steffie,
If distance is the problem, perhaps it would be better to re-initiate contact through text first and get back on good terms before arranging for a meet up - which may no longer be a short coffee at that point.
I recently reached back out to my ex bf after giving him an ultimatum. I basically told him to commit or get lost. I guess I was just so frustrated after being with him for so long and the fact he didn't want to make a formal commitment, but we were having problems so I could see his stance. This was about two months ago. I've been missing him like crazy and feeling regret for my decision, so I decided to reach out to him. I emailed him and text him two weeks ago and there was no response. So, it being two weeks later I called. He answered the phone but said he didn't really believe I was sorry. He also text'd and said I hurt him immensely and he can't do this again. I honestly had no idea I hurt him as I was so caught up in my own feelings and thoughts. I want to do right by him and I want him back. I've told him this with no response yet, but that was only this morning. When can I reach out again? I don't want to pressure him and scare him away. I'm thinking Thanksgiving? Just to say Happy Thanksgiving. He doesn't have any family here, so I was going to see if he wanted some food, at least as a gesture since my family cooks. Not sure when to message him or reach out again, but I really don't want to hurt him anymore. Is texting for the holiday's okay?
Hi there,
I think texting him during Thanksgiving would be alright. Keep it casual though and if he says no or does not reply, then just apply the no contact rule for awhile in order to give yourself and him some breathing space to recover from whatever happened before reaching out any further.
Hi Kevin, My girlfriend just broke up with me about 5 days ago she said she doesn't feel the same anymore but her family tells me it is her confusion now that so many changes are happening since she will graduate college and leave home for the first time to do her 6 months internship, she also mentioned to her sister that she felt she was too young for commitment and scared that she didn't find flaws in us so she might be sealing her fate at an early age, which is something she said she wanted at the beginning of our relationship. It was long distance, I had a plan to travel there in 2 days which she knows about and I've already been there 4 times this year.
I don't want to miss the chance of being with her specially since this time I got so many days off from work usually I travel for 10 days at a time this time 20 days and it could've been a great time together. Should I try anything while I'm there or should I just enjoy my trip with other women and working on myself to let her have that time to reflect and miss me? after 30 days I would be back home and to be in the same country might take 3 more months.
Thank you.
Hey Luis,
I think you should drop her a text when you arrive to see if she would like to meet you (casually of course). If she does not want to, then perhaps it's better to give her space to figure out what she wants and to enjoy your time there. I know it may seem like a shame to not meet her but you shouldn't pressure her too much or she might just figure she does not want to be with you anymore and it would be permanent this time. For long distance relationships, usually a longer period of time would have to be spent on getting your ex back due to the frequency you actually see her.
Hi Team,
Quite happy I found your website! So here goes my story: I have been in a long distance relationship since february 2017 and things were great, no real issues except the fact that he was always busy with work. Which i completely believe but still was an issue for me. He was travelling a lot, working a lot, but whenever he was present he was fully present. So I always ended up thinking that I had to be understanding since it was his career and that he was making the effort when he had the time and was just so good to me .
during the summer I got more impatient, he was coming to visit in july but for the first time since we had been together he did not contact me for about 2 weeks.... he vanished. I kept calm but decided I could deal with that anymore. And also kept silent and distanced myself. Come july, he tags me on an instagram post of his to advise me that he arrived to my city. But he obviously did not notice that I was no longer following him. Hence the fact that I never replied to his post. Couple days later he sends a message saying he is in town...So i tell him that he hadn't talked to me for a month so obviously I wasn't ready to see him and that I didn't even know since I was no longer following him on instagram. He got mad... so I told him that my reaction was normal since he disappeared and he actually had other means of contacting me by whasapp or text or just call me.
So I brushed him off...felt good about it....and met someone else was with him for about 2 months....but was still thinking of my ex.... broke off with the guy I was with for 2 months.....contacted my ex very casually. He answered saying he was happy that we are back in good terms... and 2 days later even told me that "he always knew we would live a great love story". We addressed the issue and went from there as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately he is always busy ... and he always apologises for it... and our last conversation was him wondering if I was still into him, that he hoped I wasn't too mad at him for not being there that he was coming in december etc.... but when I answered his message he didn't listen to it until 2 days later.... and never answered since then. I tried to contact him to know what was going on.... but to no avail.
So I decided to apply the no contact rule.... its been a month... he who is always busy was in contrast very active on social media! more than anytime I have known him! So I kept calm and still diligently continued the no contact rule. It's been 30 days now... and I have greatly improved myself... physically, emotionally and also have come to understand that he means a lot to me and that I have just been very impatient and can not afford to lose him. But I have a hard time understanding how he has not tried to reach out to me....and worry that I would look weak or needy if I contact him now. I would greatly appreciate your input. Thanks a lot!
If you require closure, perhaps it would be okay to drop him a casual text to check in on him as he may have forgotten to reply (due to his busy schedule) but you should be prepared to end up going through the same cycle all over again if he replies you and you guys continue talking. If its something you feel you are able to handle (the occasional disappearances), then go for it. However if not, you might be better off walking away from all this.
Hi Ryan! thanks for replying! So I have dropped him a message... a positive one reminding him of a good period we had....he replied positively.... was scared i was mad when it took me long to answer him and asked me if I was mad... that he intended to answer me but whenever he sees my message he is either driving or at a meeting , people are around him all the time... so he said he never does it on purpose. Asked to not get mad at him. And that he will definitely make up for it because he doesn't want to loose me, and said he missed me. He even said that he saw (on instagram) that I was quite busy, and imagined that I had already forgotten about him!
So now I am taking it easy...keeping a little distant and letting him do the work...since he said he will make up for it. What do you think? How should I proceed from now on? thanks again for your input!
Hey Fabiola,
Since he has said that, perhaps you're on the right track and yes, maybe keep it casual for now so that you aren't too affected by what he does (or does not) do. Take it a step at a time and see if things progress from there. If he is sincere, he will come back to you and make it up to you like he said.
Hi Ryan....so little update....as it might be useful for others...or maybe so I can voice a slight concern that I have : So after him telling me that he'll make it up I literally told him "We'll see how this goes..." And since 4 days later no contact from him and he's active on social media and uses his WhatsApp.....So basically no change... and I thought to myself that this is not normal. And it also proves that he talks but no actions in reality. I had only told him jockingly that he should watch out because I can get tired fast and retract ... but looks like he doesn't care.
So to protect myself from getting hurt or even just out of respect for myself I decided to remove him from my instagram and WhatsApp. And just clear my mind of all this and regain my peace of mind. Because I have tried, and I have given him a prior notice that he needs to make an effort, but he hasn't shown any will to get on with our relationship.
Thanks again for all your help... and hope you think that I did well ;)
Hey Fabiola,
I think you did really well! I'm sorry to hear that he didn't pull through on his words in the end. Stay strong and continue to focus on yourself and being happy.
Thanks Ryan! I will do just that! somedays its harder than others....but the show must go on ;)
Have faith in yourself Fabiola. We always tend to underestimate our own abilities until we've crossed hurdles at heights we never knew possible.
Hello Kevin,
I met this guy 11 months back through a group. He fell in love with me instantly whereas it took me some time to understand that I love him too. We had big fights after 6 months or so but we continued to be in a relationship. He told his parents about me and we were thinking of getting married. We fought after that and since then he is behaving differently. Over a month now things are not normal between us. He met me in this time, he cried, he said I care for him like a mother. He said he loves me. Few days back he left for a 60 days holiday. When we meet in person everything is fine. He also met me before leaving. He would share everything about his day and diving experiences. He asked me to leave him several times in this one month. Then recently he started shouting saying that he wants to be alone, he was a loner, I wasted my emotions on a wrong person also that he needs peace and my presence is not letting him achieve that. I continued to be in touch thinking if i will not remain in touch, he'll forget me. I asked him to block me if i was bothering him so much. He did't do it. Past few days I did not get in touch with him by any means. My friends says that he is enjoying his life while you sulk here. Would he come back after the no contact period of 30 days considering he is on a vacation for another 30 days more. What should I do?
Hey there,
Why not apply no contact for this remaining 30 days and when he gets back, you can decide if you still want to try giving it another shot?
Heyy Ryan,
I have been with this girl for past two years.Two weeks ago we had a breakup.I called her and she was like dont call me ever again,its your problem that you cant get over me.I watched ur video and decided to go on no contact.After a week we saw each other at a party of a common friend and that night we ended up being together and intimate.A hope raised in my mind that she still loves me.I started calling her,texting her but then she refused to talk again.I even said i would change and can do anyhthing to get her back.She refused my idea of being together.She says she doesnt wants to be in any relationship because being in relationship has taken away her freedom.During my relationship I acted jealous and controlled her by always telling her to do this,not do that.Now that she is away i have realised her importance and I really love her.Please suggest me what should I do next to get her back.I also fixed up few meetings but she refused the idea saying that it defeats the purpose of breakup.Do u think she will meet me after when no contact is over.
I need some serious help! I have been in a very serious relationship for the past 8 months and i truly thought that she was the one for me. She broke up with me for reasons that I have accepted but still says that maybe down the road things could work out for us. It sounds hopeful but it is a really hard answer to get right after the breakup. It makes me wonder why she even broke up with me in the first place and decided not to try and work things out. I would like to start the no contact period but there are still some things that i really need to know that will determine if I really want to get back together with her. The weekend before the breakup was a disaster and not knowing what really happened is leaving me not knowing what to do. I have zero tolerance for cheating but not knowing if she cheated is killing me inside. I have always trusted her to never cheat on me because she has been cheated on in the past by ex boyfriends but things just don't add up that weekend. I feel like in order for me to accept the break up and figure out if i do want to get back together with her then i need to know what happened that weekend. I feel like i have to know and if i were to just go ahead and start the NC period then i will still want to know what happened at the end. That would be bad though cause it will bring up bad memories and show that i have trust issues with her. Should i just go ahead and try to figure out what happened or start the NC period?
Hey Jason,
Personally I would tell you to just start NC and let it go but I also understand that it isn't easy to just do that. If you feel that it would really eat you up inside not knowing, then my suggestion is to find out and no matter the outcome, start NC after that.
Me and my ex, Myla, dated for over a year. I had told her that we should try to fix things but that only led to us splitting up. I once questioned whether I really loved her or not, but since I've thought about her everyday since we broke up, I think it's safe to say I love her. We go to the same school but we don't have any classes because they were switched.
Every time I see her in the hallway i quickly look a way because it hurts because I'm not with her. Sometimes we make eye contact but it is only for, i swear, about a millisecond. She turns around and I look at my phone. When I look at my phone I don't look at anything because I can't get her out of my head. I've been trying to get her out of my head, but everything in my life brings me back to thinking about her.
Hey there,
Perhaps you could refer to this article on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her every day.
Heyy Ryan,
I have been with this girl for past two years.Two weeks ago we had a breakup.I called her and she was like dont call me ever again,its your problem that you cant get over me.I watched ur video and decided to go on contact.After a week we saw each other at a party of a common friend and that night we ended up being together and intimate.A hope raised in my mind that she still loves me.I started calling her,texting her but then she refused to talk again.I even said i would change and can do anyhthing to get her back.She refused my idea of being together.She says she doesnt wants to be in any relationship because being in relationship has taken away her freedom.During my relationship I acted jealous and controlled her by always telling her to do this,not do that.Now that she is away i have realised her importance and I really love her.Please suggest me what should I do next to get her back.I also tried fixing some meeting but she refused every time saying that u all get obsessed over me again so it's better we don't meet.Do u think she will meet me after I try contacting her after no contact period?
Hey there,
This time around, it isn't so much up to you on how long no contact should be and whether you should approach her again but rather, how long before she is ready for another relationship. If you feel that you were controlling and jealous back then, even if you get back together with her tomorrow, the outcome will be the same because she will still feel that she has no freedom. I suggest first working on those emotions for yourself and when you feel like you have a better control over them, then talk to her again. If she isn't ready still, suggest just being friends and slowly build her trust.
The thing is she has become cold she didn't reply to my text,answered to my phone calls which i eventually stopped doing after that.she even said we cant be friends too because no two people after being in relationship can be friends.lately i have realized her importance in my life and i regret over my mistake.please suggest me ways even to remain friend with her.
Hey Ryan.. 2 months ago i seperated from my wife because i found some texts on her phone from some other guy. She swears it was nothing serious. But for last 12 months she has beeng going out and drinking with her friends,coming home late in the night, so that was also one of the reasons i moved out. Last two months have been really turbulent. She texts me every day, still, but stupid things like, what are you doing? Or, How was the concert? Just like friendly texts. Also like month ago i asked her that we should reconcile (didn't beg), but she told me that she is to confused with her feelings, wants to be alone now, to find herself, she is taking some therapy to chose if she wants to get back to marriage or start a new life. As later i found out she was unsatisfied in our marriage for last 12 months. I tried NC but she would text me every day, and i would always reply. I told her that she has time to decide till 20th november and than we will decide to reconcile or divorce. Anyway that is only a week from today and she still sends stupid text messages that don't mean anything. And i am sure she won't want to reconcile. We were together 7 years, i love her, but for last month she has been keeping me next to her without making any decision. P.S. She is 30,i am 32. Any advice?
Hey John,
Right now, she may be feeling a loss of routine since you guys have been married awhile. That's why she still texts you every day because she isn't used to not being apart from you. However, it's also important to note that not used to being apart from you and wanting to be together with you are 2 different things. You should figure out if she still wants to be with you or not. I suggest waiting till the 20th of November before making a decision on what you should do, depending on the outcome.
Hi
I applied NC for two days. My ex- bf always look at my facebook.He send me message asking such "what are you doing?" But I did not reply. Should I block him from seeing my page and block him from sending me message? Or I should leave him seeing my life in facebook.
Thank you
Hey there,
I don't think you should block him off and just leave it be (especially if your intention is to get back together with him eventually). However, I don't think you should reply him this early into NC. Complete it first before contacting him again.
Hi, my gf of 10 months broke up with me, it was on good terms and we spent the next day together (its was long distance and my coach wasn't leaving till the next day), and although a bit awkward at times, we parted on good terms. I have began no contact, and today would have been day 4, but today my ex contacted about one of her belongings i possessed still, and i felt rude not to reply. Do i have to begin no contact again, or is this an exception? it involved a 3 message convo, focused only on the belongings, and nothing else.
many thanks!
Hey Bob,
You don't have to re-start NC all over as long as your conversation was more of an obligated exchange of texts regarding important matters and as long as texting her did not affect you emotionally.
Ryan.... this might be my last message I just wanted to double check with you if this is a good idea.
I have followed no contact for about 18 days
We have recently met up for financial reasons and but it off.
Now we text quite a bit keeping it light and friendly.
We’ve decided to meet up again on Tuesday and we are gonna spend most of the day chilling at hers. We are going to have dinner and watch movies.
We were discussing what to have and this text discussion happened:
Her: I’m just worried your going to think that we're going to get back together that's all. Xx
Me:Why would you think that? X
Her:I dunno cuz we're getting on and stuff I suppose x
Me:In all honesty. I’ve accepted the break up. Don’t really want the relationship back as it was. If there was or is any chance of it working it won’t be for a while.
But we get on well we always have. And if things develop from that I’ll be honest and tell you. X
Does everything there seem ok?
What should I do next?
Thanks Ryan ! Your support through this has helped heaps!
Hey Jack,
That sounds fine. Hope everything works out well.
Thanks Ryan. I appreciate all the help.
Hi Kevin,
I'm in a difficult situation I guess. My ex cut the relationship a month ago (it lasted almost 3 months before). A week after breakup I sent her an email with the request that I wanted to talk with her about the untold things in our relationship. She then replied she had a little bit of time the week after, because she had a lot of fun things to do, I agreed. Then I read this website, so I realized it was a bad move from me to want contact with her, especially for this reason. What I then did was sending her an email saying I wanted to cancel the meeting. She then replied with asking whether something came up and I was willing to meet on another date, or whether I did not want to meet again. That was a tough one, but I replied something came up, without suggesting another date. 3 days later (i.e.last sunday). She suggested another date. I didn't know what to do then, so I agreed on a new date (this new date is tomorrow). Now I'm not sure, whether this is a good idea to meet her. She arranged this meeting now that's true, but I'm not sure whether she really wants it out of herself, or whether she wants to hear what I've to say as I suggested in the first email. Any thoughts on what to do? Should I ask her motivation why she wants to meet? Should I tell her via email first I'm not feeling the same way anymore as I suggested in my first email to her (almost begging for a meeting to talk about untold things). I'm afraid you will answer when the meeting is over (tomorrow 12h noon Paris time), I don't have a clue what to do now.
Thanks!
Hi Jan,
Ultimately if you want to get back together with her, you might need to apply the no contact rule in order to regain your composure and improve yourself so that eventually when you attempt to chase her back, she will see you in a different light. However, before you go into this, if meeting her would help with your closure before you start NC, then it would be okay to meet her since she was the one who initiated it. If you feel it may not help, then perhaps cancel with her and just honestly tell her that you feel it may not be appropriate right now and you need some time.
Hi Kevin, me and my gf had been a 6 years relationship and broke up recently, she had cheated me once few years ago but she showed to me she was truly regret what she has done so I decided to continuing the relationship at that time. Recently, she had broken up with me and said she love me but being together is so exhausting. She wants to look for another opportunities in the world to find love and happiness. She said if I understand her, I should let her go. Afterward, I had made deadly mistakes #2 & #4 very badly, I begged her to come out to talk about it face to face but she wont. I ask her if we can still be friends she said yes but when I text her she is ignoring me.... At the momenet, I know she is love to spending time with a guy at this moment I dont know if it is her true love or just rebound relationships. For now, I accpected the break up, I can control myself to stop texting her, but I just don't know what to do next, it sounds like she just want to be single but I thought she is just lying to me. I can't totally trust what she said but I don't want to interpret her message. Should I just move on? Thanks
Hi Dave,
As much as you may not want to hear this, I feel it's only fair to say that right now even you can't trust what she says, it doesn't matter because you guys have broken up. Moving on isn't something I can tell you to do explicitly but rather it's really up to you on how you feel about her. If you really want her back, give her some space and time and let her do what she wants to while you focus on yourself as well. Maybe some time in the future when everything blows over, then you could contact her once again?
Hi Ryan so I been doing all type of research on this subject so I want you to understand my situation a little more....me and my ex were together for 4 almost 5 years...she caught me talking to random females on a dating website...but she has caught me talking to random females a lot of times...so now I feel like she was at her breaking point...she kicked me out and will not talk to me...I was begging and pleading her to talk to me...which she would reply once every 50 messages basically telling me everything I didn’t wanna hear...so the break up was Friday...I didn’t text her Monday at all...she texted me once Monday basically repeating everything she been saying because I wrote her a message Sunday...so this no contact rule is scaring me but I feel like I have no other option...any tips for me?? Thank you in advance
Hey Andre,
If you've read our articles, you'll realize that your instincts right now are your worst enemy and should never be trusted. They would cause you to do reckless things and come across as a needy and desperate person which would push your ex further away. Don't spam her phone with texts as it would only make her decision to walk away more permanent. Give her some space right now to cool off (this is why we suggest the NC rule) and focus on yourself (calm yourself down and start trying to think more logically). After this period has passed and you feel more collected and she may have calmed down, then initiate re-contact with her and start things off from there.
Hi kevin.
My ex broke up with me four months back after one year of long distance relationship. Since that time, i committed all the mistakes you mentioned. But now she has blocked me on every social networking site. I tried being friends with her, but the past things kept repeating and i kept accusing her even when she silently listened. Now i am panicked. What shall i do?
Hey there,
Try not to panic and let your emotions get the better of you in the future. For now, if she has blocked you everywhere, the only thing you could do is wait it out and apply the no contact rule until she decides to unblock you. You have to be patient and you can't do anything reckless that might make you come across and needy or desperate if you ever want her back.
Ryan,
Me again. I ended up having to meet my ex because of financial reasons. Ended up spending 7 hours with her having a laugh and getting on really well.
At the end we both said we had a good time and would want to do it again. My question is how I should act now ? Do I go back to no contact ? Or do I just give it a few days and spark up conversation again?
All advice appreciated!
Hey Jack,
That's a good first step! Well, if you both enjoyed your time and would want to meet again, I think there's no point in going back to NC right? You could spark up conversation again but remember to play it cool.
Ryan,
I have been doing all the above whilst trying not to seem to pushy with the texts. ( texting to often) but over the phone she doesn’t seem to interested but have arranged to meet on tuesday.
I feel lost and confused about the situation
There could be a variety of reasons. Don't overthink and jump to conclusions for now until you meet her.
Good evening!
Don’t know if I’m searching for an advise or just frustrated after break up but I do really like your page. It gives answers to some questions that I couldn’t understand.
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 8 months that were more distant relationship. First 6 months (3 months out of it we were together) were really good, of course may be were small misunderstandings but nothing like argues or fights, never. We were apart before but all started when my boyfriend moved from his city to another country for studies. First couple weeks were fine but when I started to mention that he is changing, new place, new friends and parties, all his friends are much younger than him because he is doing his postgraduate and guys are mainly from undergraduate.
I started to feel anxiety and tried to talk to him, may be had an intuition that something is wrong, we discussed and sorted all out but suddenly in two days he is calling and saying that he wants a break, he doesn’t know what will be with us on a distance etc. I asked if he met someone, he said of course lots of new people around and girls, but it has nothing with that. It’s more about that he wants some time for himself to think about our relationship, not a brake up, just space. I told him that on a distance it will be hard to sort it out like that. We should somehow spend sometime together to understand what is going on but it’s up to him of course, what I can do. Next day he called by himself and said that once to give us that chance if I’m still fine with him after yesterday. I agreed. In two weeks I went to visit him for 9 days, first days were great but after we went for a short trip to another country for some business meetings. Last two days he was so tensed, I couldn’t understand but tried not to pay much attention and let him to be in his cave because it was quite exhausting trip for both of us, too much on a road. Last evening we were in restaurant, i asked him if everything is fine, he said yes, but just in thoughts. We confirmed that I’ll go with him to the airport next morning.
Next morning I woke up anxious because didn’t sleep well and had nightmares, I told him about it. He was also not in a best mood. We went to the airport, he was like that all the way. I thought it’s all we both were not really happy of leaving. He came back, first 3 days were fine, we were texting and calling to each other as usual. And suddenly he is calling and telling me that he decided to stay alone. I asked why he didn’t tell it when we were together but most probably just didn’t find courage. I said i respect decision but can’t agree on that.
I made huge mistake of trying to stop him saying that it’s unfair and I can’t brake up like that, we didn’t even tried to work out, we spent too short time together. As well i said it’s just before my birthday that we planned to spend together, actually his idea was just several days before all that for me to come to him to celebrate it together. It was stupid to use that argument that sounded like blackmailing. He was already angry that I tried to stop him. He said: now u will spend it with ur friends instead and I don’t want to be with you. Wished all the best and hanged out. I feel very bad and blame myself for trying to stop him. Now I’m very low in his eyes. Don’t know what to do but most probably here is hard to do anything, he wants to live that new life of his. May be new girls are involved, I don’t know. When I was there I didn’t mention anything. I met his friends, all seemed fine. Very hard to cope with it when I didn’t even had a chance.
Hey Mary,
Don't see yourself so lowly. Anyone could have done that in the moment of frustration and upset. However, since it has already happened, I would suggest that give him the space he wants and you too should focus on yourself and just keep yourself distracted (go out with friends, hit the gym, etc) and spend the time recovering from this. Sometimes in a relationship, unfair decisions are thrown onto us and we don't have a say in the matter; but this doesn't mean we don't deserve to be happy at the end of the day. I think you should apply the no contact rule and work on whatever I just mentioned and while you may not forget him entirely, at least this would keep your mind off things and allow you to be functional and happy still.
Hi, so i have been in this relationship for 3 months and my boyfriend told me 4 days ago that he feels he was happier before, that i restricted and took from his freedom, which i admit that i did, and he said maybe it's better to break up. I know he cares about me but when i had an issue in the beginning i talked to him and stayed because he promised we can work things out and we did. Now I find it unfair that he doesn't give me the opportunity to change. He actually told me he doesn't know if he wants to give up on me forever or just needs time. I texted him like crazy the first day, than i saw a therapist which i saw every day since then and i only reply to his texts but with longer texts and i do point out why he should not give up. In 2 days we decided to meet for a dinner. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. I know my mistakes now and i know i would not repeat them. What do you think I should do when we meet? How to react? What if he tells me he wants to break up? I need to calm myself down somehow to not start crying in a restaurant :(
Hey Cristina,
When you meet him for dinner, I suggest you play it cool, regardless of the outcome. If you really want to be with him, it's important that you do not show a weak side that comes across as desperate or needy, even if he feels that he needs a break from the relationship. Try to look at a bigger picture that if he really does decide to end things (in the worst case scenario), you're mentally prepared that you will fight for the relationship and be willing to take time in order to do so. But first, you have to ensure he doesn't end up blocking you everywhere, which may happen if you come across as overly devastated and do reckless things like beg him to stay.
Convincing someone you're willing to work things out and change sometimes will take time and the more you push it onto a person at the start, the less the person would probably believe you.
Hi, my ex just broke up with me a few days ago, after a year and a half together (she is 44 and I'm 39) We had a great connection & romance and loved being together, I am truly heartbroken & crushed.
At one point I had a drawer there with some clothes and stuff at her house and we did spend a lot of time together. We had mutual things we enjoyed doing together and connected on a sexual level as well.
During the last few months, she became distant and we didn't see each other often. Her mother also passed away during that time, which also affected her in many different ways.
Finally, she said we need to talk. She felt that the relationship is not moving forward and we are just dating each other basically. We talked a few times about moving in together and having a baby, but she said I have never actually worked hard enough to make that happen & solve all the little details involved with it. She also felt disconnect bc I would always move to a different bedroom on account of her snoring :) so we would never actually wake up together, and I didn't work to solve that in any way. anyway, I was thinking to do the no contact for 20 days instead of 30 since her birthday would be in 20 days so a text with " Hey, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday..." would be appropriate then. What do you think?
I intend to follow this 5 step plan completely as its a great advise to take little time and work on myself, date a little & then try to win her back slowly...
Hey Jonathan,
That's sounds okay as long as you have a plan of action for the period. The NC period is meant as a guideline and does not need to be strictly adhered to as long as you're aware of the reason for NC. It sounds fine if you want to text her on her birthday, however if she does not respond positively, continue with NC after the exchange.
Thanks for the reply Ryan.
I forgot to mention something sorta weird... during the talk about breaking up we were at her house.
I was upset since I didn't want the breakup, and she hugged me and one thing led to another and we had sex. Then we had some food and I was getting ready to leave. She said "take care of yourself", "I'll miss you", and we hugged and kissed and even exchanged a few jokes. so it was a very positive sort of breakup, where both of us clearly meant something to the other person, and so it was not a clear-cut breakup over the phone...
Hi Jonathan,
In that case, then I don't see why not regarding texting her on her birthday as long as you're able to handle it.
Thanks Ryan, I did get a text from my ex after applying a week of NC. She texted me: "hi i hope you are doing ok, i have some of your stuff that i can either drop off to you, or you can get it in a week" Does that means she is basically closing the door and want me out of her life, since she wants my stuff out of her place now? Do I text her back?
It really depends on your situation and context Jonathan. I wouldn't know what her intentions are exactly since I don't know her, but you would know her best. Could it be that the last hookup was more of closure for her? Regardless, since she wants to return your stuff, you should take it first before going into NC again, perhaps even longer than 30 days for your case before initiating contact with her once more.
Hello team...may I please have advice.I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now,we broke up just a week ago.I started the no contact rule a week ago as well,my girlfriend says she will never get back with me.We have had fights,argued and she says she is tired of that.She is young to be emotionally abused,she is 23 and am 24.We had a nice relationship,she tells me her deepest secrets and I do the same.She wants me to change,she has been wanting me to change but I never listened.I love her too much and am a fool to let her go for my mistakes...so I don’t know what to do to get her back,is there even a chance that she might want me back?
Hey Mark,
At the moment, you try to approach her, you may end up pushing her further away. I suggest applying the no contact rule to spend some time focusing and improving yourself (change for the better). If you really want her back, she will need to see the change in you before she may open up again.
I should apply the no contact rule for how long,because right now she probably thinks I don’t care about her anymore.Everytime we argue or fight I go the next day to her we fix things now that I am doing the no contact rule she thinks I don’t love or care about our relationship anymore,any advice will b helpful at this moment?
Hey Mark,
In situations like these, it might be your insecurities projected onto her instead of how she actually feels. Perhaps you could try once more to see if she will give you another chance and if she does (make sure you do change) but if she doesn't, then apply the NC rule for at least 30 days because if you keep pestering her, it would irritate her and make you come across as a needy person.
Hi,
I was wondering whether you can advise me on my current situation. I'm female and was in a relationship for approximately 18 months with another female. Ive been in previous long term relationships however our connection was something different we were so suited but the timing was against us. There were many issues due to her not being ready for a relationship but we gave it ago anyway however generally we were so good together but about 6 months ago she broke up with me after a few weeks of arguing due to how she treated me. I love her a lot and I know how much she loves me however she was not ready for a serious relationship so she couldn't ever put the effort that I wanted in. It made me needy etc however after approximately 4 months of NC we bumped into each other and then started texting. We have been speaking ever since and have met up a few times and about a month ago we said we would get to know each other again. However I couldn't stand not knowing whether she was speaking to anyone else... And I know we were both single but I had to ask and I suppose it turned into a argument and since then she has stated it's just not going to work right now (there's no one else involved) and she doesn't know if she will ever get over us both being with other people during the break up. We met up a couple more times as friends but the connection between us is so strong I'm finding it difficult to see past friends.
About 2 weeks ago I told her I couldn't speak anymore because no matter what I was always going to naturally look and hope for more... She agreed but didn't want to not speak but I said I couldn't. Anyway this conversation carried on, changed subject and were still speaking 2 weeks later and even met up and have been closer than we have ever been in the last 2 months!
I just don't know what to do because I do want her back as I know despite the bad timing last time we were very good together, we have the same goals, and generally well suited in our morals on our daily life but I don't want to lose her again out of my life but I don't want to break my heart in the process! I just don't get what she wants what I should do or whether to walk away but I don't get how we would be ever able to come back from it if I walk away again as if anything further happened during another period of NC then ... I just don't know !
Advice please , thank you
Hi Lauren,
It seems that she herself isn't sure of what she wants. She cares about you still but does not want to go through the negative aspects of the relationship which is why she tells you she doesn't want a relationship but still want to keep you as a friend. Perhaps it would be good to take things slow and see if there are ways in which you can convince her slowly that being together isn't such a bad idea.
So would you not recommend going back to NC ?
Well Lauren, based on the scenario you mentioned earlier, it would seem like you've already gone awhile on NC before talking to her again. Despite the argument about whether she was seeing anyone else, you guys did move on from it pretty fast and even continued the conversation for another 2 weeks. You also said that you've been closer to her than you ever felt for the past 2 months.
In my opinion, this is already sort of considered initiating re-contact. Firstly, do you think that the 'timing' is still bad at this point? If it isn't, and given the time frame for the previous NC, then there's no real point in going back to NC unless your plan is to move on from her completely.
Dear Team,
My boyfriend of a year and almost 6 months broke up with me. He has been very depressed and angry and I’ve been making the situation worse because me being a Type A personality want to fix everything. Before we were dating he was like this but somehow there was a feeling that we would still be great together so during this time I’d give him space but also fight for him and show him that someone cared. Even once he told me that we couldn’t keep “talking” to each other and we had no contact for a week before he was at my door. The no contact has begun and I’ve thought about why this relationship is something that could be great and the pros outweigh the cons. While breaking up with me he cried and told me he loved me but he can’t because he was so stressed and overwhelmed. Also, we started dating in college but now have a long distance relationship. This is both of our longest and most serious relationship. In my opinion, the depression and distance and my negative change in my nature (due to anxiety which am now going to counseling for) wore him down. I’m looking to make myself stronger and work on myself to have a better grip on my anxiety. My question is that if there is a way to show him that there is more to this relationship than what he pulled out? Also everything is telling me that history will repeat itself because we’ve even had conversations about if we broke up and he would always say that he thinks he’d take me back because of how much he loves and loved me. My friends didn’t believe that he broke up with me and all are saying he is “burned out and needs to cuddle” type thing and that this is odd even given that we’ve had some pretty bad fights in the past.
Hey there,
Is your ex currently seeking help with regards to his depression and anger? If no, it would be something you either have to encourage him to do or spend the future being extremely patient with him since outbursts and relapses in negative emotion could happen anytime (similar with your anxiety). If you want to show him that the relationship is worth it, you'll probably have to give him some space for the time being regain his composure (since you felt that you wore him down). Also, spend this time working on your outlook and fixing those issues you may have. Since the depression and distance are 2 issues you cannot control, at least the third one that you brought up is something within your control to try and change.
So this girl and I have been seeing each other for a little over a year now. During this year I have had a really hard time gettting over an ex of 6 years. I have made the mistake of contacting this ex multiple times and each time this new girl giving me another chance. I have in this time let my ex go, can finally say that I have no interest in her being in any part of my life. But, it was this last contact we had that has shown me this. Unfortunately, this last contact is also known by the girl I was currently seeing and I lied when confronted. She has since told me that she cannot be with me right now, to move on. Which to me are conflicting because right now tells me that she is leaving the door open for me to change and show her. We have spoken once or twice and she tells me she loves me still but needs to be happy with herself again. I know I need to do the same. So I’ve began setting up volunteer work, hitting the gym again, and just doing things that will make me happy. She has blocked my phone number but left social media open at which we have had very little contact. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me by it but cannot speak to me right now. She’s told me she wants to be happy with me but since I have broken her trust she only thinks that history will repeat itself. It’s been just over a week since everything has happened and I’ve tried to contact her every day since at which some times were successful. I know I need to start the no contact. I guess I just need some insight and advice. She’s an amazing woman, probably the best things that’s ever come into my life and I knew this before things went south. I don’t want to lose her for good because of my screw ups.
Hi Ryan,
Start on NC rule and not contact her for this period as constantly trying to message her will push her further away because it comes across as desperate or needy. Also NC will give both parties some space to distance themselves from the recent events that happened and the negative emotions attached to it. She's definitely given you a chance to prove yourself and to gain her trust again but give her some time to process and time for you to change before approaching her.
Hey,
I have been with my boyfriend for 1year 8 months and he broke up with me. First we went on a break because he felt miserable; before we started even liking each other 2 years ago I had kissed a boy on a night out. This boy was my ex's brother's friend and both of us were single at the time. My ex knew about this and said it was ok because he knew it was before me and him started liking each other. However, the past year my ex got closer with that boy and would tell me he felt shit often because of my past. i tried to comfort him but he kept going on and we were both arguing, we were fed up with the ups and downs so We went on a break for a week and a half, where we completely stopped talking. Then he decided he felt better without me on the break, less stressed etc and broke up with me after 1.5 weeks of a break, but said he'd been thinking about it for a while. I really want him to want me back, so I'm going to do the no contact thing for a month. But what else can I do to make him want me back, as I feel like he's chosen this friend over me. We had a serious relationship talking about the future and I tried to remind him of the bigger picture of our future, but he still wanted to break up. How can I show to him that he shouldn't just throw our relationship away? Or is it truly over?
Hey there,
If you're really serious about him, perhaps you could try to figure out what the root of the break up was caused by, whether it was an internal struggle he was already facing for awhile or was it primarily because of the friend you had mentioned. If it was the former, spend this NC period working on any issues you may have brought to the relationship and focus on self-improvement so that if you do decide to contact him again after some space, he may feel differently about you, seeing that you've changed for the better.
Dear Team,
she's so insistent on me marrying someone else because she is my brother's sister in law.
everyone in my family and her family knows about our relationship. So if I decide not to marry someone else now then all blame will be on her. My family will tell her that you have spoiled my son's life. She doesn't want to listen these type of words from my family. I have told her that I am not going to marry anyone now and do not worry about what people will say to you. I have tried my best to show her how much I love her But she is telling that if you really loved me then marry someone. I will help in searching girl for you. Right now I have told her that ok I will marry someone else, that's why she is talking to me daily but as a friend.
I want her back in my life but how I can change her mind I am not able to understand.
Is there any way to change her mind?
Regards,
Amit.
Amit,
I guess right now the only thing you can do is to take it slow. If she still is talking to you as a friend, for now you'll have to accept it and slowly try to win her back on a day to day basis again. Charm her like how you did the first time you guys got together and remind her (with actions not words) why she fell in love with you in the first place. If she really does not want to get back together with you despite all that, then it might be a better idea for you to start moving on. You don't have to marry someone else out of pressure but at least let the idea of getting her back go as well.
I have been married for 19 years (including my 1 year engagement period). My wife was having a relation with someone else while she was with me. Honestly she disclosed it to me after a 1.5 years and she was involved physically. I found the pics of her with her boyfriend on bed and some other picnic photographs. It was really shocking for me. I was annoyed and was in anger i made myself cool down and told her that ok no worries lets forget whatever has happened in that last 1.5 years and told her that i am accepting you and lets start a new life. In my life i had many ups and downs financially. She has been claiming that i never paid attention to her, i never gave that touch what she wanted and always replied in short words like yes and no. But very honestly I have been loving her whole heartedly and never expressed her. I gave the liberty to move freely, trusted her blindly, never stalked her on what is she doing or where is she going as i had complete blind trust on her.
She took separation from me on 1st july 2017, and this for me was like living in another hell, during this phase every millisecond was of my life was making cry and missing her a lot and i did the same thing which was not suppose to do. i was in frustration and sent the pics to the boyfriends wife on 21st October 2017. as i was thinking my family has been ruined i will ruin his family life. This made her more irritated and now finally she has decided to divorce me, I am still on separation phase and she has told me for meeting tomorrow. I want her to be back in my life, as i still love her and we have two kids as well daughter is 17 years old and son is 11 years.
Need your advice what to talk and what to avoid. As she has messaged me that she needs to discuss few things but dont keep any hope. Your help, support or suggestion is required. Thanks
Hey there,
I guess you could go and meet her tomorrow but like she says, keep an open mind and don't get your hopes up. Figure out where you stand in all this and if it's a position that can be salvaged. Definitely avoid coming across as desperate or needy and never beg her to stay. You could also tell her how you feel genuinely but don't try to use that as ammunition or pour it out but rather, just tell her as a means to let her know (whatever she wants to make of it is her business, not yours)
Thanks, but we could not meet as she cancelled the meeting. Hoping to meet soon.....will be waiting for her text msg for the meeting.
Dear Recovery team,
I was in a no contact rule with my ex and as per your suggestion I was not talking to her.
on day 21 of no contact rule she called me 5 6 times and so i have picked up phone and we had a discussion on our relationship. In that conversation she was trying to convince me to merry other girl. She was telling that our fields are different so its better to merry another girl. For the shake of me at least you have to merry another girl she was telling. Finally I told her that OK I will merry any other girl. Then she told me that she is very happy now and will talk to me daily. She is going to come to meet me also on my birth day on 8/11/2017.
So what should I do now? she is talking to me daily as a friend. How can I develop interest in her for me?
How can I change her mind to continue relationship with me?
I now cannot continue no contact rule anymore I think. What should I do now I cant understand.
Please help me.
Regards,
Amit.
Hi Amit,
Your situation is a little different from the norm because not many exes would spend that much effort and time trying convince their ex-partner to marry another girl. Perhaps she really is starting to see you as a friend? Regardless, you should continue to assess the situation and figure out what is going on in her mind before you decide you want to continue the relationship with her. For now, take it casual and treat her as a friend so as to get her to trust you and maybe she may open up to you on why she's so insistent on you marrying someone else.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend and I dated since we were 20, so its been just over 4 years! We had talked for years about spending our lives together and kids and all that. We had also dated years before, back in high school and broke up and found our way back to each other. But, last week she broke up with me, because she felt as if that she needed to try and see if she can live life on her own. We had been having troubles for about 4 months now, and we were trying to fix the problems in the relationship! But, neither of us really put much effort into fixing the problems beneath the surface, just the problems like not doing anything or just sitting around all day. Note: she wanted to leave back in August, but she also wanted to try and make things work!
Originally she had told me that she didn’t feel the same way she use to and that she didn’t know why, but she did know that she didn’t love me anymore! So we talked and agreed to work on things. There was a couple times in the 4 months where she wanted to leave and I convinced her to stay. But, there was also times when I wanted to leave and she convinced me to stay! But, this time enough was enough and she had it, so she packed up and left. I also haven’t had my license this whole relationship (currently working on getting it), She told me that she wanted me to get my shit together and that was one of the reasons she wanted to break up (I just never thought she would actually leave). But, now that she has left I know have to get my shit together. Not for her, but for me!
We are classifying this as a “break” with the chance of not getting back together and a chance of getting back together!
So we met last Sunday, to talk more about the break up and to get all of our feelings out on the table! When she picked me up, we talked as if nothing had changed and that we were still in a relationship. We ended up talking for over 2 hours and she didn’t really seem like she wanted to leave! She was extremely hungover and was the only reason she left. She even went to drop me off midway through and we sat in my driveway and we decided to go get food.
I told that we needed some time and space after the talk and that night she had tried snapchatting me and I told her that I wasn’t ready to talk. She understood and didn’t really seem ok with not talking, but she understood.
We had lived together for 4 years, and we lived in my parents basement. As I am a college student and can’t really afford to move out at this time! So, we had lived together for 4 years, and we got to the point where we stopped doing things and just sitting in my basement doing nothing! We also became dependent of each other for almost everything!
I feel like we have a good chance of getting back together, I know what I need to work on to make my life better and to make us have a better relationship. I have been getting a lot of mixed info from friends and family. Some say that she wants to get back together and some say I should move on (these people didn’t like her)
Just want to know what some strangers think?
Hi Tyler,
Personally, I think growth is important in every relationship regardless and when things get stagnant, sometimes that's when parties start finding reasons to be unhappy because they feel that the relationship isn't taking them anywhere. It's a conscious effort to be made and a continuous one at that, where if you want her back in your life (and to stay), that on your own part at least, you have to make changes to improve yourself be it emotionally or actual activities (i.e getting your license like you mentioned)
Thank you Ryan for the response
Hey, so I met my ex in high School senior year, she graduated and I dropped out. Her and I dated for 3 years sharing incredible memories. Our friends and family who have been in and out of serious relationships always said how special we were and constantly joked about how we were a "married couple". Like all relationships we would fight and we would have some big fights, but typically both of us failed to fix them. She got to a point where she couldn't be honest with me because it would lead to an argument. She went off to college and Those were the reasons why we broke up the first time, but then we got back together for one more year and we were very happy until about 2 months ago when I moved in. I got very depressed and unhappy, not with us, but with me. I let that distance ourselves and I should have been more honest with her because she could have helped me. We grew apart in 2 months and didn't feel like much of a team. I even ended up kissing someone else, which she claims isn't much of a big deal because she has kissed other people without it really bothering me or us in the past. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago and we haven't talked in a week. She says she broke up with us to save our friendship and that she wants us to still be best friends.
I want to respect that and make her happy but I feel like her and I can do that in a relationship. We always envisioned ourselves getting married up until the last 2 months when my own depression started getting in the way of us. I've overcome my depression from myself and I'm working on making my life better for me and finishing school and finding another passion, but I feel like her and I are truly made to be in a relationship. I want nothing more than to make her happy and I believe she wants the same for me but she feels like we wouldn't make it later in life right now even though she didn't have those thoughts before we started going downhill. I intend on the NC period but Is there any specific advice for my situation that I should include?
Oh and also, she claims the ENTIRE relationship was unhealthy. But I disagree, we traveled the world together, literally, shared memories that no matter who she sees, it will be hard to compare the passion that her and I bonded with over those memories. She’s up in college and I understand that she’ll probably find a rebound and the only thing helping me be okay with that is remembering that this guy hasn’t had the experiences that her and I did and that it will take a lot for her to find that with someone else. When we broke up she was torn apart and I could tell. And what happens if she wants to meet up at some point before the NC period is over? I’m not sure if this gives anymore insight on my situation
Hey Payton,
Firstly, it's good that you aren't afraid of the rebound guy coming along as we all know that it will never last. Usually people would lose their composure and end up doing something that comes across as desperate which pushes their ex further away. If you both still love each other, and her issue with you right now is honesty and that she feels that it won't work, it's up to you to convince her that it can. However, this is something that you should ease into after the NC period when she has enough time to be emotionally separated from the negative emotions she might have felt leading to the break up.
Right Kevin here is a fun one for you,
My partner of almost 5 years, came to me and said she thought that we were more like friends.
our relationship was quite afflicted with more serious matters from the get go.
we lived 600 miles apart and i met her while working away.
we decided after 7 months that we wanted to be together so she moved up to my local area ( her decision ). for the 2.5 years after that we were great. we had a few money problems but we worked it out together. as a whole the relationship felt great. and i asked her to marry me.
i then got made redundant twice in the space of the last two years which put a lot of strain on her to work harder. we moved accommodation 3 months ago and then just last Wednesday she text me saying she wanted to speak.
so basically....
She believes that we are more friends than a couple. she said there isn't anyone else ( which i 100% believe ) but said she can imagine being with other people.
now i am sensitive so we both got upset had a little cry but immediately felt we would both be OK if it had to be like this. i proceeded to go to sleep that night on the couch.
30 mins later after going over things in my head she messages me from the other room asking if she thinks i can change for the better ( i was quite lazy around the house and we didn't spend a huge amount of time together ) i went through and said i would try my best. we hugged and talked for a half hour and she went to sleep as she had to be up for work early.
now.. over the next day she seemed completely normal. we have dinner together one night and it was really nice we both had fun and great conversation, we had planned a movie night but she had been asked to go out with a friend. she asked if that was alright and i said "if you want to then of course darling".
then between Thursday and Saturday we dont get to see each other much. On two occasions she said she would be home at 8-9pm and didn't come home until 10-11pm and went straight to bed.
which brings us to Saturday night. she comes home at 10 and started work at 7 in the morning. we chat on the couch she gives me a kiss and says she is going to bed. i say i am coming to. we lay in bed and i begin to ask her how she is feeling. we talk about everything again and she decides that we feel more like friends.
que my questions,
i want to do NC but we have quite a lot of things tied together. for example joint bank accounts and my name is on the lease of the tenancy we also have a few joint debts that we were working to pay off before the split but agreed to half of it each when we ended.
i said i wanted to get this sorted if we are officially over and she said that she didn't see the rush and does not see the need to split the accounts and that until we are fully over.
i have insisted we spend a day to go around and sort things out.
i was quite needy and have texted her a lot but i am on day 3 of NC now.
here is my question. should i cancel meeting up with her on Monday ( 5 days away ) and leave it as it is for the 30 days no contact. and then use that to meet up with her after the 30 days?
let me know your ideas
a couple of things you might want to know about me:
I have just gone self employed as a electrician and just over the last few days my business is jumped up.
i am a confident person however since my last two redundancies i have been feeling quite down and a be recessed. ( i.e staying in watching tv/playing video games over going out )
i like to think i am funny. everyone around me thinks i am funny. she loved my humour and i used to make her laugh all the time.
Hi Jack,
Since you're already on the no contact rule, perhaps you could let her know that now is not a good time to meet and say that you need some space to yourself first if things are going to be officially over. This also gives both parties some room to see if the 'friends' outlook was caused by her being too comfortable around you - since passion inevitably slows down after some time into the relationship. At the end of the NC period, then sit down and talk to her and both of you can come to a final decision from there.
Ryan ( sorry i thought there was only a kevin :L ),
my issue is that she is determined she still loves me but isn't in love with me.
i know my feelings about her and i know when we were back in the first 3-4 years we were great.
i want to bring that spark back when i finally do arrange to see her, i know i need to evaluate my inner self to find those reasons as to why the passions gone.
i left her the rented flat and moved back to my parents house. she was gutted that i was leaving but my confusion as to why we were doing this made me constantly text her asking what is going on.
i suppose as with everyone i am worried about the unknown
what do i do if she messages me in the 30 days saying she thinks shes made a mistake?
what if she messages me about something to do with the flat, money or bank accounts?
i know my parts to blame in this whole mess and as i am sure you have heard before i wish i could take it back.
Ryan, i suppose i am curious as to what shes thinking. why break up the first time and instantly retract it ?
why after we just moved house? Why would she be acting %100 normal the day before Wednesday.
its all so complicated :'(
Well, no one enjoys ambiguity and that contributes to why you feel so lost and confused. The way I see it, there are two roots to your issue right now: The ambiguity of the situation and how she feels; and the lack of spark she feels from you. For the former, sometimes it can't be helped and there isn't much you can do to make the situation clearer until the other party decides to be upfront about it. For that, you'll just have to be patient and not lose your composure to 'wanting to know'. For the second reason, like you mentioned, do figure out how you get that spark back (it's never impossible) - and basically win her over again.
If she texts you within the NC period, you're free to reply her at your discretion - but do keep it casual and to the point especially if she's asking about administrative stuff regarding the flat, money or bank accounts.
Thanks for the advice I think I’m going to delay the meeting until I’m in a better frame of mind. I feel like feelings/neediness wants her back and my brain hasn’t had any time to kick in.
I suppose i should take a step back and accept the worst before trying for the best.
Thank you
Bit of an updat Ryan. I told her that I didn’t think meeting on Monday was a smart idea as it was quite soon. She seemed disappointed and said how about Wednesday?
I don’t know what to do.
Do you feel ready to meet on on wednesday? What I can suggest is to be honest with yourself and how you feel. If you feel ready, then meet her. If not, you're probably better off arranging for a later date.
I don’t think I have accepted That it’s over. I find myself thinking that maybe it will work out all the time. Part of me doesn’t want to meet her in case she says she still doesn’t want us
In that case Jack, give yourself the space you need. If you really want her back, use this space to work on the issues you may have had like mentioned in earlier comments.
Hi Kevin,
Great website! I'm 39, she is 42. Long story short and I'll get to the major points: In a brutally honest, long term loving relationship for 13 years with a single mother living in another country. I visit her once or twice a year and talk daily through social media. Financially took care of her and her daughter up to college as well as her aging mother. Her family and friends adores me, my family disapprove due to cultural differences but I'm culturally open. We've had minor fights that we overcome over the years but they seem to get more intense as the years pass by. She ended it yesterday in what I can describe as amicable from both of us. She thinks ending it will make her happy, and I want her to be happy if that will make her happy! She wants to end it because she doesn't "feel young anymore", and I don't care about her age! Also she wants to get married and live like normal couples, but that is extremely difficult on my part as my country makes it extremely difficult to marry from her country. I would marry her if I could. She thinks I'm fun loving and don't future plan, while she is future planning and worries about the future. Its been one day now, and I think its a good time for both of us to self reflect, but I'm not sure if this one will too pass off as the previous minor fights or if this is permanent. No question in particular, but a neutral observation/comment/opinion/suggestion from you would give me clarity!
Hey there,
Well, in long distance relationships, misunderstandings can happen a lot more than the typical relationship since both parties don't see each other as often and there's more room to overthink. Also when fights happen, it becomes harder to simply meet them and apologize or make up and resolve things. Perhaps, give each other a little space, and have a proper talk to her and share whatever you've written down here when both parties are in a good frame of mind. Communication is really important here as both parties don't seem to not love each other but rather, the constant misunderstandings and lack of communication cause the fights to happen.
Hi Kevin, so I have a Long Distance Relationship with my girlfriend, but for a variety of reasons we agreed on taking a break from each other, she needs space and time so we agreed on No Contact except urgent stuff and no "other people", becuase is just a break. It doesn't have a certain time limit, but as it is associated with stress and her Uni, my wild guess is that by the end of her semester (mid-December) things may cool down. She's having a tough time right now in her life in general (struggling with Uni, problems in her family, can't stand being home) and eventually our relationship kinda "freezed" her feelings... basically she lost the attraction, but not the way she feels and cares about me.
The thing is, I can't know for sure how long this break is going to take, because even if NC is over, she may still be struggling with all of this, I guess I need to "feel her out" after NC to try and see how things are going. But what is your advice?
One other thing, probably she's going to contact me for my birthday, do I answer her? She also said she's going to give me the tracking number of a package she's going to send me for my birthday (she already prepared it 2 months before this).
Hi Paul,
Since your break up was essentially a 'break' more than a break up, I would suggest that you could still reply to her regarding your birthday. Additionally, if you want to contact her after the NC period, you should be mentally be prepared to be extra supportive of what she's going through and avoid adding more stress to her (fights, disagreements, etc) since that may result in another break or even a break up this time. Thread carefully and ease it in to show her that you can be supportive of her struggles since that's what couples do.
I am leaving this comment because I find Kevin's daily emails really useful, and I thought he is the only one who could give me the best advice. My scenario is pretty unique(i think), and I could not find a suitable solution or suggestion anywhere, so I am here to ask for help! So here it is:
My bf(25yrs old) broke up with me(20yrs old) a month ago. We had been dating for 1yr3months, and it's the longest relationship for both of us. We broke up not because we don't like each other, but it's because he told me he had to focus on himself. He said he always wanted to save up to buy a truck and a house. We were a long distance relationship(LA and SD), so he said he wanted to be selfish about his time and money from now on. He said he is almost halfway through 25 now, and he wants to have some change in his life. He said the breakup was a hard decision, and he considered it for quite some time. He said he gets distracted easily, and he doesn't think a relationship is good for him for now. He keeps telling me that he still likes me and that he is not talking to no other girls. I am pretty sure this is true because he gave me his logins for everything, and he really was not talking to anyone else. Anyway, after the broke up, I tried to not talk to him, but I broke the no contact rule twice. He texted and called me once after the broke up. He told me that I could call him whenever I want(what is this for? what is he thinking?) He also told me that we can hang out sometimes and do "boyfriend girlfriend thing" like hiking, going to the beach, and etc. What does he want?! I am really confused.
After breaking up for a month, we actually spent time together at a festival this past weekend. He said he still likes me a lot, that's why he only wanted to hang out with me at the festival. He was really happy when he sees me, and he even told me that if he wants to talk to girls again, I am the next one on the list. We spent two days together, and my friend told me we were just like a couple. Honestly, this weekend we were as if we went back to the time when we first started dating. Everything was sweet and cute... He even said that he was gonna come see me next week. But....
Today, he started replying me on snapchat, which he hasn't done since the breakup. But then later I asked him whether he could give us one more chance since we had a great time(I know I screwed up). He was silent... He said he was perfectly fine when he was focusing on himself. He was saving up, going to the gym, eating healthy, and sleeping early. He said he wants to crush his goals. He said relationship is too much pressure for him... And now he said he's not coming up this week anymore..........
What should I do? I am between giving up on us and trying for one last time. I'm mentally tired. :'(
Thank you really much for reading my comment. I really need some help!
Hi Charisse,
To better help you understand the context of a male, you have to know that there are strong internal obligations and a sense of responsibility most males will feel and go through at a certain age where he starts thinking about his future. That's not to say that he doesn't love you but right now, his priorities and focus can't be on you because he feels that the obligation to fulfill his duties come first. It may be possible to convince him that you can support him on his decision and that you'll be able to wait for him while he works on improving himself, but it definitely won't be easy. Moreover, I feel that since he's working hard to improve himself, you should do the same, so that you too are able to grow as a person.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me 5-weeks ago. We were in a relationship for 4-years. A healthy, strong,loyal, loving. respectful relationship. We lived together and were planning and implementing steps for our future. To say I was blindsided is an understatement. He loved me more than anything - I just didn't/don't understand.
During the 5-Weeks, I have had to contact him - moving out, separating bank accounts etc. Basic admin. But I have always been the one to reach out. I have also made the fatal mistakes of contacting with "long messages". I found out that he is "talking" to another girl he works with. They were talking a week after we split. She is the exact, polar opposite of me in every single way and also about 6-years younger. A young, care-free, easy girl. My ex is not the type for casual hookups and they fact they talk a lot makes me think its more.
The reason he said he broke up with me was to "find himself" and just be on his own. He has been in relationships(long term) since he was 16(he is now 30). Three - One after the other.So it baffles me as to how he could be with someone so quick. I have confronted him about it(fatal mistake, I know) and he says he is still single, he just enjoys talking to her and her company and he assured me it was not the reason for the breakup. He was always loyal - I do believe this(even if I sound silly). I am not sure now what the nature of their relationship is.
Last week, I have deleted all means of communication with him. I deleted his phone numbers and all means of social media. It has been a week of official no contact.
The thing is, I think he is so focused on his new girl that he is completely over me. I am not entirely sure where to go to from here. I don't know the person he is being. I feel like I don't know him at all anymore. I am in the process of working on myself and I feel good about that. I would not want to get back together until I was 100% me again(I lost myself in our relationship). But I feel like if I reach out after no-contact it will be me, once again, reaching out.
Do I just focus on myself, having a good time with friends and be the best me and wait for him to contact me again?
I do want him back but I would want him back on different terms. He would have to be a better person than he was(and is being). Same applies to me. However, I am not sure if this is just wishful thinking?
Thank you!
Hi Abigail,
Firstly, the relationship he may have jumped into and the reason he's so focused on it right now could be that she's a rebound for him. Regardless, as you say, even if you want to get back together with him that it should be on different terms so spend this period of time focusing on yourself and creating a better version of you. That's the least you could do for yourself and when the time comes, if you decide that you still want to talk to him again, at least you're no longer the same person you once were. As to whether he would change or not, is a entirely different story, but one that you cannot control.
Thanks I got this site, I met a guy in April online and we had such a great connection we come from same state and have a lot in common , we live in different countries and he was planning of visiting by December, he always put me in his future plans and talked about marriage with me, I'd thought we were meant to be, I even prayed about him severally, most times I'd notice he'd say when he comes back we would have sex, if I object he gets angry, but we talk the following day and laugh over it, sometime in August he asked me to send nude pics and I politely refused, that wasn't the first time, he didn't talk with me till the following day, I called him and he disrespected me so much, called me names such as being selfish and said it wasn't compulsory we communicated everyday, and even see when he returns, I cried as he spoke to me, that did not move him,i told him to act like a Christian he claims to be and ended the call, I unfollowed him on face book, and he called on what's app, I didn't respond, he sent several messages that day, I ignored, the following day he told me he wouldn't bother me again, a week later he says hi, I responded and he gives me this cold response, after about 3weeks ,I apologized for blocking him on facebook and tell him I miss us, and he says he misses us too, following day, I try to chat him and he continued responding coldly, I told him I was only checking on him, and he says I should stop checking on him it's no longer appreciated. I told him off the following day and broke up with him, it's been almost 40days we haven't said a word to each other. Truth is I wish this didn't happen, how do I get him to contact me, I'm afraid of getting another cold response so I haven't said a word to him, his birthday is in 7days ,do I wish him happy birthday? How do I get us back together?
Hey Nikky,
Firstly, although you wished it didn't happen, I felt you did the right thing. You deserved to be respected as a person and if you object to doing something, your partner should respect that wish. He may be treating you coldly because he wanted something more sexual which you objected to (no wrong in that) and having said that, you may be better off finding someone who would treat you with respect and dignity. Having said that, if you still do want to be with him, I guess you could wish him happy birthday but leave it at that and see how he responds to it.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broken up with me due to my inability to change and she was afraid of being together with me and go through all the things I had done to her. So me being an emotional wreck, I kept begging for her to come back and said that I would change this time. Which didn’t work. I started using NC for a week and I went to drunk text her and I got blocked. We had a relationship for 10 months now and I’m still having a hard time accepting it and falling to depression. Is there really no more chance for me? I gonna change for real this time.. because she’s worth it...
Hi Anthony,
Try to complete the no contact period before trying anything again and if you really intend to change, show it to her with actions and not words because that will have a stronger impact.
Thanks for the reply! Appreciated it. But is there anyway for her to unblock me? If she doesn’t, I don’t know of any ways to communicate with her after the NC.
Perhaps you could try other forms of social media (but don't make it too apparent) - if not, unfortunately, you'll have to extend that no contact period until she decides to unblock you. Trying anything else may come across as too desperate and that might scare her further away.
Does writing a letter changing my number seems to desperate that will drive her off?
I don't follow Anthony, do you mean writing a letter to let her know you've changed your number?
Hi, I was with a girlfriend for about 2.5 months. In September 2016 I started a 4-year drawing class in the evenings. and I got to know her from there. I never suspected it, but she started to make the first moves to let me know she liked me during last spring and summer. She was back then for instance complaining she didn't know with whom to go on holiday with, but that she probably would go alone. I then suggested we could go together, and we both liked the idea very much. We went on this holiday and the rest is history. History indeed, because she broke up 3 weeks ago. I think she said she felt a lack of love in the relationship lately, I guess I didn't always listen carefully to what her unfulfilled needs were etc, or understand her hints to talk about this. In the middle of the night we had some discussion, and I didn't feel talking there that moment as I was tired, and I just went to sleep. I think she felt hurt. The next day we both went to work, and I saw her again only a few days later during which she broke up with me. We though had a great times in the relationship too, especially during the first two months, and she said many times she experienced it the same.
I just came across your website, which sounds like good advice, but I did made some mistakes according to your plan. I'm not texting her often, quite the contrary, but I did let her know via email 3 days ago (3 weeks after the breakup), I am thinking about her a lot, and that I would like to have a walk with her to talk about untold things. She agreed, and in her reply she didn't say anything that she's thinking about me too, but only talks about with great new things she is doing lately, and that she only has time to walk and talk with me during a few hours, next Sunday. All the other times she is busy (which she usually is not so much, because we mostly met every day before, sleeping together in either her or my apartment). Now I feel I may come across needy indeed, because I ask for a walk and talk with her because I wanted to talk about the relationship, and that I think a lot about her, she replies she wants to walk, but she only writes in the email about the fun times she has with other people and things, and that she has a tiny hole in her agenda next Sunday where we could meet. How do you think I should reply? How would you respond to this email in this situation? By the time you answered I might already responded to her that meeting next Sunday will be ok (I would not know what else to do). Any advice when I'm in that situation too?
Sometimes I saw her in the drawing class too (this week is a holiday though), so the no contact rule was not applied. I could perhaps go much less to drawing class for a while?
Many thanks!
Hi Jan,
Since you have arranged to meet her already, go through with it but during that time, do not come across as needy or keep bringing up that you miss her. She's showing you that she's able to carry on with life and do things despite the break up and you should too. Also, don't skip your classes since you've already made the commitment there but perhaps read our post on handling work and situations where you have to see your ex.
Hi Ryan,
thanks for the good advice man.
I still have one follow-up question though to your response: Will it be for sure the best thing to do to go through with the meeting I set? I arranged the meeting before I came across this website, and the main purpose was to say what I think what went wrong in the relationship, and how I miss her. This doesn't sound like a good idea anymore, so I wouldn't know what to talk about really on this meeting? The fact I asked for the meeting, while she's not making contact to me on her initiative for weeks already makes me needy in my opinion now. Any advice an what to talk about on this meeting, or for a reason to postpone or even decline the meeting?
best!
PS why not put a donate button somewhere on the site?
Hey Jan,
Now that I understand the context a little better, perhaps its best that you reschedule that meeting to a later date. Spend this time focusing purely on yourself for now and when you feel more ready and have made some changes to your life, then you could contact her at a later date to discuss those feelings if you still want to. The most important thing is that when you're discussing those feelings, it should be a discussion that doesn't affect you and set you back into a cycle of hurt and sadness. You could postpone the meeting by saying something cropped up or else just be vaguely honest saying that you feel both parties need time before meeting to discuss and you aren't ready to at this stage.
ps: that's something we will consider but at the moment we do have a product that goes more in depth than the blog in helping individuals cope with their break ups
Hi kevin
I broke up with my boy friend yesterday. And this is the 3rd time in on year. The reason behind is his laziness to take decisions in his own life. Since day one it was clear that we speak with each other in order to decide to commit officially. Since we started talking and he keeps postponing this major point. I came to ask him once if he likes me and find me good enough to commit. He answered yes but he is not ready yet to commit. I waited for him for so long till his calls disappered and his text msg became rare. Then i took my last desicion to leave him till he makes up his mind. He shocked me with his answer of me being pushy and pressured him and that he is not sure if its gonna work though he wants it. But still he is not ready and i may go ahead and break up and find other guy coz i deserve better chances.
What shall i do?? pls advise me!
Hi Sam,
If you feel that you want a committed relationship but he isn't able to give you that, then it's only fair to yourself to move on and find someone who will give you what you need. Sometimes people at different stages of life have different frequencies and he may be ready to commit one day down the road but it won't be fair to both parties that you're constantly waiting indefinitely and he is pressured by you to commit.
Hi, I hope you would be able to give some advice in my situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months over 2 months ago. The main reason for the break up for wanting to focus on his career and he didn't have time for me. The break up was a mutual decision. I did the no contact for 30 days then messaged him. He replied very nicely and also said that he misses me. I said I miss him too but left it there. We kept texting for a while and spoke on the phone once. It was very emotional for me and I think for him too. He said he was really hurt because of the break up. I told him that I still miss him and hope there would be a chance for us to get back together. He said it would be nice to catch up and also we kind of agreed a date for the meet up. When I couple of days after asked him to confirm the date he never responded. We did text a bit afterwards, he also replied to me. But then he stopped completely responding to me. Is there anything I can do to make this work?
Hi Hannah,
Perhaps you could talk to him to figure out what happened and why he suddenly stopped replying you?
Hi Kevin, Great advice here. Thank you. More about my situation, I'm married and have 2 small kids. My husband had an affair for over 1 year and has not let go of his "friendship" in my eyes. He just moved out. How long do you think my no contact should be? how do I handle this with small kids? my no contact will be hard considering the kids, do I tell him that i want to minimize contact or do i just start avoiding him? with the holidays approaching i'm getting cold feet on the separation. guidance is greatly appreciated. :)
Hi Monica, firstly, be strong. If he has not let go of his 'friendship' at this point, you should not give in to him and let him back. It's not fair to you or your kids. The no contact period should be done as long as required and you don't have to avoid him completely but just tell him that you feel its better for both parties if he wants to continue being involved with another person.
Thank you.
Hi, I want your advice. We were 2 years together but before that we were 4 years best friends. He ended our relationship with tears in his eyes because he was not in love anymore. He still likes me, but not enough for a relationship. He said he hoped he didn't make the mistake of his life. I was too jealous and too negative because of the situation with my parents. I was very jealous because my other ex cheated on me. I want to be more positive and since the breakup I'm working on it. I didn't text him since the breakup but he went to my sister to talk. We have a lot of common friends and we still put some snaps in our group. He said to my sister he hopes we can be back best friends like before because he still thinks I'm a wonderful woman. It's now been 2 weeks since the breakup and I didn't hear from him personnaly (instastory and snapchat in group happened). He still has my gopro and a lot of things I need...
What do you think about it? Is there a chance for me to get back to him?
Hey there,
I suggest since you have gone 2 weeks without talking to him, perhaps complete another 2 weeks to give both parties some space and to work on your trust issues before asking for your stuff back. In situations like these, its normal that the spark is lost and he ends up seeing you as a friend again because of the history you have as best friends so it's important if you want him back that the spark/passion needs to be created to allow him to see you as more than friends.
And how can I make him fall in love again with me? We met two weeks ago, he was hurt he said he still have feelings for me, but not enough for a relationship. Before being again bestfriends he want to give me the time to lose my feelings for him. We meet again in 2 weeks because we have mutual friends. After we met the first time, I wanted to continue the NC, but he texted me to ask me where I was when he saw I was at a party, he texted me for the spotify, he still has contact with my sister. But he said to his bestfriend (I still have contact with his friends) that he is over me, totally done and he wants space. Do you think there is still a chance?
There's definitely a chance if you're patient. Right now, if you push things, he may end up walking away. I can't tell you exactly how to make him fall in love with you again, but perhaps you could think back to when you guys first got together, and how it happened and felt. If you're able to re-create those feelings, he may fall for you once more. Like I said, it's normal for long term relationships to fall out of spark because they become stagnant, hence why it's important for long term couples to continuously do things to keep the spark and not let the relationship become too boring.
I broke up with my ex in a fit of anger. I had an unhealthy tendency of doing that, but he told me that last time was the final straw. After a couple days of thinking and lots of therapy sessions. I realized that this relationship was something I truly cherished. I went back to him and asked for him to give me another chance. He said that I could move back in and prove that I could be a decent human being. But because he also gave me a limited time frame, I got desperate to prove to him that I could be better. I bombarded him with affection and constant questioning about our relationship. Finally after a week of suffering, he told me that he was done, and that it really was completely over. He said it was fine if I continue to live there as long as I don't have expectations that we get back together. He told me not to act like we are still together in front of friends. We were still sleeping together during all of this too.... He told me that he needs space and that although he loves me a lot, the stress of the relationship now outweighs his love for me. I am madly in love with him and he told me I need to live with him as a friend. How do I get him back at this point? Is it too late?
Hey Annie,
I don't think it's too late. However, there are issues you may need to spend time working on. At the moment, it's best you give each other some space and move out if you're able to and apply the no contact rule. By continuing to live with him at right now, you'll only constantly remind him of the bad memories since both parties have not had time to recover. Also, since you already know it's not healthy to use break ups so casually as each time you do, it'll make walking away easier on both parties, so it's something you need to work on too.
Dear Kevin,
I Just got out of a relationship that we both took very seriously. We were crazy about each other and madly in love. We planned our futures together and thinking that all of that is out the window now is just gut-wrenching. We are currently at different colleges but I am planning on transferring quite soon. I am feeling depressed and broken now so I know when I move I will feel a bit better because I have friends at the new school. It is so hard, but after reading your steps I am aiming for the no contact rule right now. Even though after the initial breakup I did try and talk to him by the end of that week I started the no contact rule. The hardest thing for me to deal with besides not having him right now is that I feel dumb for making plans and just celebrating our anniversary.
I am trying to stay busy with friends so I have made advanced plans with them and when I am out and about I don't feel as sad. When we were breaking up he said that it wasn't really anything I did but that he needed to build a stronger relationship with God. He doesn't think that we are part of God's plan and he needed time. That was so hard for me to hear but I am trying to respect it and give him time. Just because we aren't the same denomination, we are both Christians that have same core beliefs so I am trying to build a relationship for myself also.
We are both in our early 20s and we were together for almost 2 years. At one point he wanted a break that lasted a week and he initially thought that breaking up would be good for him but he said he instantly knew that was not the right choice.
Hi there,
It's great that you've read our blog and have a plan to establish no contact already. Since you already have a good plan, focus on that and everything will be fine. If he needs to form a closer relationship with God, it's good that you are able to give him the space he needs and respect that. This will show him you are able to respect his strong faith in his religion, which I'm guessing he's a lot more staunch than you are?
I guess we are both very into our faiths but the reason for the breakup was that he wanted to be stronger in his and really find out God's plan for him. He said he "wants" God's plan to be us but he isn't sure. He said that he is not saying we won't get back together but he is not promising we will. He has since been posting on social media seeming like he is all calm and cool. it hurts and I feel like I can go a few days being okay and then everything hits me again when I see his feed. I am having such a hard time and constantly wondering if he is too or if he thinks about me as much. I see him watching my snapchat stories and him following his previous ex that broke his heart. What could this mean? I am trying to relax and not believe my first instincts like I read in the posts after I calm down I think so much more rational. My NC for 30 days should end about Thanksgiving break when we will both be in our hometown. That's when, if I want to still, I will reach out. How does that sound?
Hey Ara,
That sounds good. It's great to see you follow our advice and you seem to know how to handle this well. Like you say, try not to follow your first instinct and lose your calm in the process but rather, be rational about the situation and not overthink it. During this period, try your best not to obsess over him and how he feels or thinks but just spend this time working purely on yourself.
Is there anything else I could be doing better. Do you think we might have a chance in the future. I'm trying to give him all of the time and I feel like he might start to miss me.
In my experience, there's always a chance but it all boils down to what people do with that chance. Right now, 'God' could be a convenient excuse to use in place of the reason he may not be telling you. This is why it's important to focus on yourself and improve yourself so that if you do want him back down the road, you could make him want you back because of the changes you've made in yourself that attracts him back to you.
Hi Kevin, I was in a relationship for 6 months and my girl saw a message on my phone of me flirting with another girl but I never cheated and she knows this. Before we started the relationship, she told me once she cant trust, she cant date so she broke off immediately after the incident. All through the relationship, I was the person more in love and I know she liked me a lot but not as much as I loved her. This is the reason why I think she is really gone. I begged, cried, and got used as a doormat (even sexually) but she didn't take me back. I have decided to establish the NC rule (4 days and counting). The problem is we live together and I am lucky to be away for work but I move back home in 3 weeks. How do I continue the NC rule? Do I need to move out? What happens if she doesn't respond positively after the NC? Do i give up & move on? Confused. At what point do I give up?
hey John,
It seems in your case, perhaps use this 3 weeks to apply no contact. When you return, you can initiate re-contact to see how it goes. If she does not respond positively, then it may be a better idea to move out so that you'll be able to move on too. The no contact rule and moving on may give you a fresher perspective to see how things could possibly mend situations (should you still wish for it further down the road)
Hi Kevin, can you provide some help of building the relationship after NC in order to keep it permanently? After NC, we talked about what's wrong with the previous relationship (Yes, we talked logically, not just blaming each other). We don’t share much common interest, hobbies even time table so it was a hard time when we are in relationship. We both tried to make some changes to cater to each other but it is not working.. We know in the deep of our heart we are loving each other so much so we talked about the break up reason, both we think we are not the perfect one and we deserve a better partner…. So we are doing some push/pull behavior recently and I start to think about should I just let her go and never look back. I know it sounds crazy but we have been 8 years and loving each other so much. I don’t know what’s wrong in this relationship and I think we are willing to do some changes to improve it if needed… Thank you.
Hi Leon,
Every relationship has different circumstances to it and most often, the changes/compromises that need to be made, you guys will be better aware of it than anyone else. If it's a problem with schedules, perhaps see how you guys can have a common understanding on when to meet during your free time, etc. If it's communication issues, sit down and talk things out to come to a consensus on how you address misunderstandings and fights.
My ex left me about 3 weeks ago, after I had left to Argentina for two weeks for a study abroad program. When I came back, we celebrated with family and the next day spent the day together happily. We even talked about getting a dog together and we slept together. Suddenly, the next day, he came back LATE from work in the morning (he worked graveyard) and said that he wanted to break up..We were together for nearly four years and had recently moved in together into our first apartment alone. I tried to talk to him and convince him to try and work on our relationship but he wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why he wanted to break up and was not really interested in working it out. He kept saying that he was happy being single while I was gone, then He said that he was tired of arguing but we hadn't argued in a very long time, then he said that the relationship was hard work and he was tired of trying. This was a day long event and for a second there he said he would work it out even though he knew he wasn't going to change his mind. The worst part was when I tried to kiss him and he would close his eyes and close his mouth tightly as if he was grossed out by me..After a day of trying to work things out, I had asked him if it was because he wanted to see other people and he finally admitted and said yes. After that, I packed all my stuff up and left immediately.
A week later, I was dying to hear from him and talk to him to once again try and work it out. When we spoke, he seemed happy. And he then proceeded to tell me that he had been talking to someone from work. I'm not stupid, and I know that these things don't "suddenly" just happen.. I'm sure he had been talking to her for a while. I found out that he had already had sex with her and it just broke my heart..The worst part of it was that he would always joke around and tell me that I would one day be a nurse and leave him for another nurse or doctor. And sure enough he was the one to leave me for another nurse...
I love him so much, aside from this incident, he has always been a great person and boyfriend to me and I don't want to lose him. I guess I just want to know if he is really done with me. He told me that he will always love me but because we spent 4 years of our lives together, not because he is IN love with me anymore.. I know that ever since I started nursing school it has been difficult. I have had to rely on him a lot and it has been emotionally draining. But we had always worked it out.
I just need to know what to do...I want him back. I just need to know if I have a chance in being able to..
Hi Joy,
If the break up seemingly happened so sudden, it might have been on his mind for awhile now? In this case, there's nothing you should do at this point to try and chase him back because it'll only backfire on you. I can't say that there's a 100% chance to get him back, but what I can suggest is that you take this time to apply the no contact rule with him in order to work on yourself. Improve yourself as a person and recover from the devastation first. When that is over, assess the situation (and yourself) again before deciding if it's something you want to go for.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Please go through below situation with my ex. And suggest me what should I do now. I will follow all what you will suggest.
my girlfriend who is my brother’s sister in law. we are in a deep love from 3 years. my age is 33 and her age is 22. she is in acting field. and myself is a service person earning good. problem is that we both have talked about our relationship to family members. after that all fortunately agreed. and then they decided to complete the ring ceremony. but my X refused to got engaged as she is in acting field. she told to wait for more 2 years. after that I told her that dont worry you continue your study. but one day suddenly what happened to her I dont know, she decided not to marry with me any more. I tried to convince her what is the problem and she told me that I want to focus on my carrier now. I dont want to repeat this type of mistakes again.
I tried to convince that you focus on your carrier no problem but why are you ending our relationship? but she is refusing all these. She has now carrier only in her mind. she is talking with me daily but with no feelings. and if I tell her to meet she refusing to meet me. but she is talking with me daily in normal way. She calls me, message me daily and also telling me that I have seen many dreams with you but all are now be a dreams only ..she has decided in her mind that she has a long carrier and I can't marry right now.
How to change her mind .
What should I do to get her back.
I have started no contact rule and on 5th day of no contact time she contacted me but I have not talked to her. After that she daily sending messages to me but I have not replied. But on 13th day of no contact rule she messaged me that I have some work and unfortunately I have broke the no contact rule and talked to her. In that conversation she told me that merry another girl. If you love me truly than please merry other girl. And I was telling her that I am not able to live without her. I dont want any other girl. But she is telling that you are not able to understand me. I have then stopped talking to her again.
So now what to do I dont understand. what should I follow now.
Should I continue no contact or should I talk to her?
Please help me.
I am ready to do all the things you suggest to me but please help me in this matter .
If I could talk to you on phone then please provide me the number , I will call you .
Regards
Amit Bhatt.
Hi Amit,
Perhaps right now, you should give her space and time. If her career is something she wants to focus on at the expense of her relationships, it is her choice to make and if you pressure her otherwise, she might feel resentful towards you one day. She might have told you to marry someone else because she didn't want you to wait indefinitely but unless you find out if that's the reason for sure, it's only my speculation. You should continue with the no contact for now until you feel like you're emotionally stable before contacting her again, but more so as friends first before anything else.
Thanks for your quick response and suggestions Team,
Right now she is not talking to me. No messages, no calls, and I also have stopped talking.
So should I tell her in text message that you I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. and then continue to no contact rule?
Or I should not do anything and continue No contact Rule.
Kindly suggest what to do?
Regards,
Amit.
Hi Amit,
Complete the no contact period first before telling her that as the effect of it right now may not be very strong due to the recency of events.
Hi, so I have been with my current ex for about 2yrs now. We have had major and petty issues and all seemed like we got bored and have brought out the worst in ourselves.
Ever since, I have been trying to bring us back together. Tried talking, tried texting and have been begging endlessly but all to no avail. We have been very supportive Every inch of the way with financial support and material support as well.
She lives with me and this has been difficult to find closure with the relationship.
Please what do I do, about the way I feel because i Cannot focus on anything and this is affecting my physical and mental health.
She made me realize that I am the major cause and I have been apologizing and hoping we work things out but it's not happening.
Should I leave the house to other state without telling her where I'm going to and establish the no contact rule? Because living together as ex's and having no communication may further cause issues.
I don't intend to give her up anytime soon, I want her back.
Please your advice is highly required.
Seeing her everyday is not helping me find closure and further makes me look weak and needy because I can't but break down and cry and try helping her to do things and end up begging her.
Meanwhile, her fear is that we might end up doing the same very things that has been causing our repeated fights and breakup. But I'm promising not to be that annoying anymore and would like to make her see me for me because I realized I came into this relationship with a lot of hurt.
My current fear is ....? maybe she has moved on, maybe she is interested in someone else or she never loved me from the beginning. Tell me how best to either move on or win her back.
Hi Joan,
You don't have to move to another state but yes, perhaps moving out would be the best solution, not only for her, but for you too. Right now, you're both too caught up in the ongoing emotions and you can't recover if you're constantly reminded of her. Also, she won't be able to see you in a different light because you're crying and begging in front of her and it'll make you look weak. If you want to convince her that you've changed, you actually have to show it and not just say it, which takes time and space to change her mind set.
Thanks for the response but please explain to me how best to go about this.
Do I move out temporarily or permanently?. When I move, do I still establish the No contact rule? Do I need to explain to her when and why I'm moving? And if I'm moving temporarily, how long is enough time before I return? And if you advice I show her I have changed do I stay back here to prove that?
I am afraid of loosing her and I do not want my absence or my presence to Futher worsen the problem.
I look forward to your response, thank you.
Hey Joan,
As you guys have broken up, I think you should move out with a mindset that's more permanent than temporary. Whatever that happens after should be a bonus, not an expectation. Establish the no contact rule from then on, and work on improving yourself. You could tell her that your moving out is because you want to take the time and space to work on your issues and on creating a better version of yourself. From past records, people don't worsen the problem by creating some distance. She won't forget your either so soon.
We are broken up, but I love her and funny enough she loves me too, but she's now sharing social media affections to another guy but still shows me love and care. But doesn't want to get back together an also, I have tried to stay away but she still comes back in my life once in awhile and its so difficult to let go because I truly love her even though we're not together, but what she's doing with the guy still keeps hurting. I don't want to lose her cause I mean to spend the rest of my life with her but she's being over affectionate with another guy more than she has ever been with, and making me feel all we shared was fake and based on lies like she's confused. She all of a sudden asked me "WHAT MAKES ME SO SURE THAT WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S THE RIGHT GIRL FOR ME" Please what do I do to win her back, to prove to her she's the one. And am the guy for her. Please??
Hi Samuel,
Perhaps the guy she is being affectionate with is a rebound for her. It may hurt but right now you can't do anything about them. What you can do however, is to give yourself some space and work on self improvements so that if a second opportunity presents itself, you are able to make a move on it, without any previous baggage from the last break up.
Hey Kevin
I was wondering if you could help me
My GF (18) dumped me (18) 2 months ago because she sudddenly just stopped “feeling it” and just feels like She “needs to be alone at the moment” and that she sees me more as a friend than a boyfriend, that she can't see a future with me at the moment but that she wishes she could have those feelings towards me. She also said she doesn't want to lead me on at all. We had been dating for 6 months and all was well. At this time of year we are both in our last year of high school and she is aiming for a perfect score so is incredibly busy and stressed, and after school finishes in one months time she will be travelling with her family abroad for another 2 months. I was NC for 21 days and a week ago I sent my first text message, I started and ended the conversation quickly and two days later I started it up again however I only received two replies off of her before she stopped replying. I was just wondering about how I could best deal with this situation? As I'm all out of ideas.
Hey Sam,
As much as you may not want to hear this, but some feelings can't be forced. I suggest continue with the no contact rule so as to give her more space because if she stopped 'feeling it' all of a sudden, your presence back in her life this soon won't change it. Ultimately 18's a young age and because you're both still growing emotionally and figuring out what you guys want, it's best to perhaps let her figure it out.
Hey Ryan
So your saying there's absolutely nothing at all that I can do? And that I should just give up? Like I know it sounds bad, but I'm not ready to just throw in the towel and give up that easily. Besides completely ignoring her again and hoping that in a few months time she changes her mind, is there anything at all I can do?
Cheers Sam
Hey Sam,
Ultimately for a relationship to work out, it still takes two hands to clap. Human emotions are a tricky thing as even though you may perform all the black and white guidelines perfectly, if she completely shuts you down or doesn't reply to you, there really isn't much you can do, short of getting desperate and pressuring her (which many people end up doing) and we all know how that will turn out. This is why I suggested giving it more room, and letting her grow a little before you come back into her life. Some game plans take a month to fulfill but unfortunately, some awhile longer. Having said that, I'm not telling you to just give up, but rather use this time to focus on yourself instead. She may just end up seeing you in a different light.
Hey Ryan I just feel like if I dont start building up rapport again soon and leave it, it'll be a couple of months before I next get the opportunity and that by then she will have completly moved on and that it will be to late. And I know I'm going against your advice here, but if I was to message her again soon is there a way I can do it without coming off as desperate?
Ps: I have been using the last 2 months to improve on myself and have made a lot of significant life changes in order to better myself, but I feel like there's no way of me conveying that to her.
Hey Sam,
You'd be surprised by what time can do for a person. That's why there are many cases where people get back together even after years apart. Sometimes, both parties need to change in order to see each other in new light and change takes time. I'm not saying that it's impossible but I would rather you mentally prepare to move on than to linger around with potentially false hope.
Sam I was in a relationship with a woman I was madly in love with for 14 years our relationship was awesome at first and after we had our son she got really stressed out and we tried for 12 years to work it out and it just doesn’t sometimes. I hate to say it and I still love her but I had to give up on a 14 year relationship after we separated for 7 months. I was torturing myself trying to earn her back needless to say sometimes it for the best.
So My boyfriend broke up with me because he needs to focus on himself. He got very depressed and developed low self-esteem. We’re at different colleges right now and his first time being at a real college, and it’s hard to adjusting and things haven’t been the way he’s wanted it to there. Which sucks because I went through different schools and went through the same depression/lost thing and still stuck by his side and I’m always there for him in general. He has been going through a lot of changes in his life, and he’s been distant and angry lately. We have faced many problems because of it and I was always willing to work on our problems as a team. He says he needs time and space to work on himself. He said he can't be happy with me if he's not happy with himself. And that every time he tries to fix things, he keeps on hurting me and he can’t do that anymore. He also told me it has nothing to do with me and it’s his fault. But i don’t get why he’s pushing me away and he kept telling me he doesn’t want this to be like this and will talk to me eventually and how much he loves me but I am hurting and it’s affecting me I’m devastated and don’t know what to do. I know that he cares about me, but right now he’s really numb to everything. I gave him the right to make the decision of whether to be with me or walk away, and I told him I'm fine with either one (even though I'm really not ), and he decided to walk away. And he promised he wouldn’t do this but he deleted some of our pics from Instagram I just don’t get what I did to deserve that if he even said it was him not me.
I have read a lot about people getting their ex boyfriends back using no-contact and was wondering if it works because that’s all I can do right now. I started the "No contact" rule and I try to keep myself busy and do new activities and surround myself with friends, but I miss him like mad, and I just want him back in my life. What if he just forgets about me if I don’t contact him anymore?!! And I’m terrified he’s just gonna go be with other girls, he’s not really that type and said he wouldn’t but how would I know. I’m very confused and so deeply hurt and need advice. I just don’t want this to be permanent and really want him to come back.
Hi Kylie,
The fear you have about him forgetting you is quite justified as many people have the same fear. However, just like how people jump into relationships without taking time to figure out if it'll work or not, this too requires a similar mentality: having faith. I agree with your boyfriend's logic that if he isn't even happy with himself, how can he expect to make you happy? Applying the no contact rule right now would be appropriate as it would give him that space to work on himself. Give it some time before talking to him again.
Hi kylie, I have the same situation as you. And we broke up this October 2017. The first few weeks were hard. We still talked at first but he was going distant and so I didn't contact him anymore. We had a talk about how he will reach out to me when he's okay and i'm also okay but I'm not sure if I can really trust him on that. I'm also scared he might forget me and move on in the process of fixing himself. He already deleted our pictures together in IG but not on FB. I don't know why because those were good memories. And I'm really hurt by that. I'm really crushed. How long do you think before your ex boyfriend fixes himself? For me, I think it will take a minimum of 1 year before he's okay. Do you have any updates on your situation?
Honestly can you tell me that someone got back with their ex and then ended up to be with him/her forever? Are they happy. I want to know if this whole thing is even happening or it's just something to cheer us up in our times of grieve.
Hi Antonio,
I can say with confidence that we have had many cases of people getting back together following these rules but you also have to be realistic that sometimes, it doesn't work out. Ultimately when dealing with two human emotions, there are a lot of variables at play besides what you see in black and white. Having said that, our page is meant to guide people out of heartbreak and grief and to focus on personal recovery - and using that new found confidence and outlook to either try to chase their ex back, or move on, depending on where their perspective stands at.
Dear Kevin!
So my girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, because she told me that she 'doesn't like me anymore'. We are classmates and now it's really painful to see her everyday because i still love her.
I tried to let her go but i couldn't, I tried to get her back in my own way in September but it didn't work out. So i checked your page for some hope and now i'm following the plan I'm in the no contact period right now.
I feel like she stil misses me but both of us show a fake(at least i think it's fake) happy side. In September it was always me trying to engage chatting and talking so it was really one sided.
Now she doesn't even look at me nor says hi. And she doesn't let anyone close to her.
Nov 6th is her birthday and then will I make my move and start building trust/attraction again. I'm trying to accept the fact that we won't necessarily be again together, but deep in my heart i know that she is my true partner, and I'm not just missing her or feeling depressed.
I know that it look pretty hopeless I mean she would probably look for me if she would love me but I'm simply too stubborn to let my love go away.
Also she told me 2 minor reasons other than the 'love is over' reason but I could've changed. And she didn't tell me her problems, just the conclusion it's over.
Syn/Adrian
Thank you Kevin, please reply! :)
PS: We also had a short breakup in June(2 days long), but then i talked to her and we got back together again. So we had 2 breakups and I know it looks stupid to try again but yeah I'm a stubborn guy in love so you know. :)
And also sorry for my english, I'm still learning the language. :)
Hi Adrian,
You seem to have this quite figured out. Now all you need is the confidence to carry it through and remember to never be pushy even if you want to be together with her again or if you want answers. Take it step by step following what you have already planned out and when you have gained her trust again, perhaps that is when you could find out why the relationship ended and see if there are things that could be done to get back together.
Thank you for replying!
I am just kind of scared that she won't give me another chance.
And she moved over.
I started dating a childhood friend whom I have kept up with over the years. He was EVERYTHING I every wanted. We had a whirlwind two weeks of dating with him being affectionate, calling, texting, multiple times every day. We went out too. He talked about marriage. No sex. I went away to visit friends for a week and when I got home, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was floored. I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I knew him. It’s been a week and I am devastated. I sent a text saying I miss him and that was it. He won’t respond. It’s like I did something to him while I was gone... I don’t understand. He ended it before we even started. I want another shot at seeing what can happen. Is that realistic?
Hey,
Sometimes when there's intense amount of affection and passion for each other on a daily basis, people get so caught up in it that the moment it stops (even if nothing actually happened), those feelings go away. I'm sorry to be the one to say that but if you're still serious about him, try to have a talk with him and if he doesn't respond, you should focus on moving on too.
Hi Kevin, I realize this may sound plain hopeless, but here goes: I met someone online and we had a short lived affair that lasted for about one month. We’d talk on the phone every day for hours and we’d virtually exchange thoughts, jokes and bodily fluids. It was exciting, it was humorous, an emerging source of happiness and butterflies. It grew into something larger than pillow talk entertainment. The absence of physicality didn’t make me feel any less loved, or any less vulnerable. I fell in love abruptly and he admitted to the same wavelength. We admitted to a very intimate romantic connection and made a lot of plans to be together. At the time we started talking we were in different cities, but as he will be back here in one month , we decided together to meet and make it a real life story. Then we had a shitty fight after which he "removed" his desire to relationship from the equation and eventually me from his contacts list (blocked me). I don’t know how this happened. Things just took a strange turn of the screw and we discarded each other in ways that painfully contradict the whole anatomy of our infatuation.
My mind desperately spins re-reading our conversations like a broken turntable. I try to go back to the very first “Hello” but I burst into tears half way through, somewhere between a ceremonial “I promise to take care of you and respect everything that’s important to you” and an easy going “I love your morning elegance”. I know I must have hurt him, and he’s hurt me back so terribly that I backfired with much less diligence than I had in mind. People will say what they want to say. They may call me naive, reckless, missing an inch of a self esteem or spiralling slowly into a case of madness. They may suggest dangerous outcomes for my falling in obsession or magical thinking. I can be a fool. It doesn’t bother me as much as being a hermit had bothered me in the past. I am so glad to be alive. I am so grateful to feel and experience both the beauty and the misery of this story. We are both artists and perhaps too stubborn and crazy. I know very well what I felt and still feel, but it hurts for someone to take back their love like that. So, move on forever or try to actually meet this person in real life when they finally arrive back in my town? Thanks for the answer, whatever it may be :)
Hi Karen,
If you are serious about him, perhaps you could try to meet him still when he comes down to have a talk but provided you have a means to contact him. If not, then it might be best to focus on moving on since the long distance will continue to play an excruciating part of the relationship.
Thank you for the advice, Ryan. I would feel terribly sorry not to ever meet him at least. I have his phone, but don't plan to call for at least until two days before he comes here. Long distance would not be a necessary outcome, because he expressed availability to remain in my town for an undetermined time in case the relationship would have taken off (he is not location fixed). How do you think it's best to approach this? What should I say on the call in order to make this date happen?
If you're really keen to meet him, perhaps you could tell him that since he's came all the way here and despite how things turned out, you guys did talk about meeting up. So why not just fulfill that by maybe grabbing a cup of coffee nearby?
My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I was trying to follow the no contact rule but failed. My ex boyfriend and I broke up on great terms and understanding what he and I need to work on. He has responded to all of my texts calmly, sweetly and reassuringly but very straight to the point in what he wants. He wants me to gain some self confidence and learn to trust. We hung out once since we broke up and it was not awkward. We hung out for 4 hours for my birthday without hooking up. He said that maybe in time we can make things work. I am a very insecure women and I am going to start counseling to help with all of my internal battles from a past relationship. My ex and I have been together for more than two years and this is the second time we’ve broken up.
I am 31 and he is 28 but he is an old soul.
I want to know that all the reassuring that he is doing is for real and I’m not getting my hopes up. We both still tell eachother we love one another, when we text and we still think about one another. Is this false hope? Or is this the space we need to really be together again for good and be in a strong relationship?
What should I do?
Hey Miranda,
As cliche as this may sound, sometimes coming apart will allow things to come together better than before. In this case, you know your ex better than anyone else and that includes his possible intentions. If you feel deep down that he does love you and still wants to be together with you, I suggest that you take this time to actually work on your insecurities so that when you guys come back together, the relationship will be stronger than before.
Should I apply the no contact rule? Or just go with the flow in this case?
And since he was so honest in what he wants, do I date inbetween us trying to work on ourselves? Or give it some time before I even think about going out and meeting new guys?
Thank you for your advice!
Hi Miranda,
There's no set rule that you cannot date again. I first suggest you have one last honest talk with him to see where you guys stand right now. From there, if the decision is to take a break, apply the no contact rule to work on yourself. The whole point of the no contact rule is to give both parties space and to be able to see from a fresh perspective. Sometimes, if that means you're open to dating other people, then that's good. However, I won't recommend jumping into dates just for the sake of filling an empty void as that will lead to rebound relationships. It ultimately depends on what your goal is.
I spoke to him about what he wants one last time. He said he wants to be alone for awhile. He loves me and we have so much love that we can have another shot at it, as long as there is change. But he needs space and we both need to grow up. I applied the no contact rule like you stated. But he said he doesn’t want to hold me back from dating but selfishly he wants me to. He’s not interested in anyone or interested in dating around. But I’m at the point of, do I don’t date and take these 30 days for myself and work on me or do I get myself back out there. I don’t want to hurt my chances because I do love him and I can honestly see us getting back together in the future.
Hi, so me and my ex dated for about 10 months but the relationship was very intense. We were madly in love for the first period but then due to my insecurities he began to feel insecure in the relationship. I questioned him, and the relationship many times and even broke up with him unintentionally and hurt him, although the last thing I wanted was to break up. This led to him questioning me and needing space. He broke up with me about two months ago and said he needed to move on and could not handle a relationship in this period of his life (we are both juniors in college) I have waited and he has contacted me but I don’t think he plans on getting back together. I can’t seem to get over him and I want another chance but I recently told him I needed him away from my life completely and that he should not contact me anymore. We are going to talk in person tonight and I am not sure if I should tell him to stay away from me for good so I can get over him or if I should ask him for another chance. I am sure he is the love of my life and I can’t imagine my future without him, but I am also in a lot of pain since the breakup.
Hi Susana,
I hope that talk went well. What did you decide to say? Regardless, I feel that perhaps some space right now would be good as you focus on college and working on your insecurities. Even if you ask for another chance now and get back together, you would still end up at the same outcome if the insecurities have not been worked on.
Hi Kevin. Long story short is I was in a 14 year relationship with my ex husband. He split 3 years ago and I started to dating my recent ex two years ago. I dated a few inbetween my ex husband and my recent ex boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend however has never had a long term relationship. I was his longest relationship and so it was hard to go through our fights because he didn’t know what to expect or what to do at times. We had more happy times then sad. We were thinking about settling down together. He met my kids and I met his whole family.
However the catch is, I’m very insecure. I can’t trust. I am not an unattractive women and I have a lot going for me but my biggest fear is having the relationship I had with my ex husband repeated in a new relationship.
Since my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I have started therapy to learn to trust, I’ve started to go to the gym to help the confidence in myself and I’ve started pushing myself at work to get a raise. But at the end, my goal is to be with him.
We have spoken a few times since we broke up and he has mentioned that he hasn’t considered getting back together with me just yet, he loves me, thinks about me still always. He said he wants to get to a point where we can hang out without trying to hook up with one another. But he always says that’s he wants to get back together but changes need to happen in his life and in mine for us to work completely.
I just don’t want to hang on to something that might not be there or read too much into what he says to me. He is a very honest guy and majority of the time, what he says he means.
What should I do?
We’ve been broken up for 3 weeks now.
Hi Marie,
Since he wants some time to work on himself, I guess its good that you do too. It's a good sign that you know he loves you and that he wants things to change on both your parts before attempting a relationship again. Also, since you say he is an honest guy, that would probably mean he isn't saying all these just to pacify you. Perhaps apply the no contact rule to give both parties some space to figure out what they want and for some time to change to happen before trying again.
Do I date inbetween this space apart? Or do
I solely just try to work on myself and bring me back to happy state?
Hey Marie,
Definitely work on yourself and bring yourself back to a happy state. If you're ready to date during this period, I don't see why not, but don't jump into one that comes along as that'll mean you're going through a rebound relationship and not because you're genuinely interested in the person.
Hi, I've recently broke up from a 4.5 month relationship which was at times very intense. She is a single mother with a 12 year old daughter, living in a studio type place with her daughter and no privacy. She has openly admitted to a difficult childhood herself, a marriage where she moved from Russia to Estonia because of becoming pregnant and then married due to pressure from her ex's mother. That relationship ended after period of abuse and start of counselling which she has continued for a number of years since.
I myself had almost 4 years without anything serious after a 6 year relationship. Meeting her was out of the blue and at a time when I had started to think that I would not have or want my own family. I am in a good place career wise and unwittingly most likely created an imbalance in the relationship and some co-dependance by providing for her and her daughter, whether it be with new bike, clothes, a holiday, old study fees which prevented her from carrying on her studies this year and having hope of a career/future afterwards. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing to create a safe and stable environment which they seemed missing.
After a few emotional arguments, she shows many signs of someone with Border Line Personality disorder, she constantly put me down in public and on our own said I needed to be more open in my emotions. I began working on these, journaling and talking with her. But after 4.5 months of devotion from me she said she didn't feel love from me, and after that public showing at a restaurant with her daughter also present I left and have not spoken or contacted each other for the past 8 days.
Also whilst on holiday, I inadvertently checked her phone messages and she caught me, this was done because of some of the things she said during arguments and the fact I knew she was still in contact with a guy who was trying to get with her whilst we were out at a club together. I just wanted to know at the time it was nothing of threat and know I should have spoken to her but because of her wild mood swings I instead unplanned checked her phone when it was left open in front of me.
She's walked into my life and made me want to have my own family and be part of someone elses life again, I sincerely love her, not I need to know if it is worth retrying in a month or so.
Hey David, given what she has been through, having certain issues develop over the years is not uncommon. That said, it is important to note too that if you decide to get back together with her, that you have to be prepared to face whatever issues that may happen again. Perhaps right now, some space is needed for both parties and I understand that it may be difficult to show 'love' when someone is putting you down in public or showing extreme mood swings. You have to figure out if she is the right one for you.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago saying that she likes me but felt like it didn't go anywhere and that she expected commitment. I kinda understand that because I was trying so hard not to be pushy or needy and it seems that I have overdone it, but in fact I also wanted things to get more serious and I wanted commitment. For me it seemed too early to get to a conclusion of that sort since we dated for only 2 months. I was just starting to make plans on how to make things better in the future but I was maybe too late.
What do you think I should do? We haven't spoken this past week and I kinda want to tell her that things were in fact going in the right direction but still I don't want to be needy or look like I am desperate.
Thanks a lot.
Phillip.
Hey Phillip,
since it was kind of a misunderstanding on both your feelings, maybe it would be good to have an honest talk with her about it and see how she takes it. If that doesn't work because she rejects all advances at this point, perhaps give her some space first and apply the no contact rule before attempting again to talk to her.
Do you think I should tell her this now or wait a a little bit more ? Also any advice on how do I approach the contact what should I say how do I start? Even though I played it cool I am still scared to come out as a depressed needy person (stuff from the past I am not proud of). I just want an honest talk.
Given the circumstances, I'd recommend just casually bringing it up and see if she is willing to hear you out. Maybe drop her a text or a call and ask if she's free for coffee. If she says no, then it would be better to hold your thoughts and do the no contact rule first in order to give her some space for the meantime.
Hello again,
It's been a while since I've messaged here. Following this article I can say that I am feeling much better and a bit more confident about contacting my ex. I don't wanna rush it we still haven't talked but I have a sense from one of my ex's friends that she is asking about me but I am not sure. Is that a good thing or not I dont know. I show myself as a very positive guy in front of everyone and even though I miss my ex I truly am feeling better. The thing is as before I dont know how to start texting again and not look like a needy desperate guy I just wanna play it cool and even though I have an idea in mind I am scared that I would mess it up. I want her to be excited to hear from me in a while and hopefully start asking some questions herself and after a while I would bring up the break up situation but I will say that I am sorry that it haven't worked out since I wanted something serious but I am sure we will find happiness in life somewhere else. Do you think I should say that and make a move like that? Any suggestions? Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Hey Phillip,
It's great to hear that you're feeling much better! I can sense that you have a good idea about what you want and all I can say is to have some confidence in yourself when trying to follow through with your plans. If she has been asking around about you, perhaps she would be excited to hear from you too. Lastly, the 'moving on' part really depends on what your goal is - to be with her or not. If you still want her back, then it's best not bring this topic up but treat her how you would when chasing a new girl.
Sounds good! And ill definitely work on myself, but one more thing, so last time we talked she got really mad, and was like "do i need to turn into a hoe for you to realize theres no chance for us right now" so that was my wakeup call to stop, and a couple days before she unfriended me on Facebook and snapchat, but not on instagram, so she sees what i post, but she turned really cold and shes told me that she started dating other guys, but she doesnt want a relationship, just free food haha, but besides all that, a mutual friend of ours that helped us get together in the first place told me that she said shes sleeping with someone else, and that made me feel real bad and doubt all this, but i dont know what to believe, she might just have said that to push me to give us space? Its really hard to understand everything..., thank you for your advice!
Hey, well even if she is sleeping with someone else right now, you would have to accept the fact that you guys have broken up and what she does is ultimately not your business (I'm sorry to put it so bluntly) but it could also be that she is currently in the rebound phase which you could read up more on one of our articles. Regardless, right now your priority should be in recovering and improving yourself during the no contact period as a person so that when you do initiate recontact, she would be able to see you in a different light.
Hi Kevin, I am doing no contact with my ex. However, my mutual friend in the same college just tag me and my ex on facebook to have dinner together. What should I do? I didn't tell my friend I broke up with my ex and doing no contact with her so he didn't mean to "line up" us. It was just an accident move. Thanks for your reply.
Hi Samson,
If you're in the middle of no contact, perhaps you might want to give that dinner a miss for now to continue giving both parties the needed space.
Hey Kevin, so me and my girlfriend broke up about 1.5 months ago after a 2 year relationship. I'm 23 and she's 20 now, but she is so mature and confident in what she wants and hard working.I was her first true love and she cared so much about me and made future plans of getting married eventually and having kids together and all that, but the twist to this whole story is that since we started dating, I always had something pulling me back from fully commiting and showing my true love to her that i knew i had for her, for instance we were of two different religions, my parents would push me to finding a girl of our nationality and religion, her parents werent okay with me for the same reasons, and just stuff like this unconsciously didnt let me let her in my heart as much as i was supposed to. Besides all that after around 6 months of dating I got into a bad depression and that messed up with my head, but she was always there for me and tried her best and most to make me feel good. But cuting to the chase, I was slowly pushing her away and didnt realise it, until she finally broke up with me for the reason that she cant fight for the both of us and that we both need space, me to find myself and her to focus on her and she said that if eventually when i can change and mature we can start over slowly. So after the breakup I would keep texting her that im sorry and all that, and cried, overall i was just obsessed until i noticed what harm i was doing to the situation and that she just got tired of hearing and saying the same things that she would get really mad and talk in an angry tone and tell me that right now theres 0 chance of us getting back together, so I just decided to do NC in which im in 13 days, and ive decided to work hard on myself, which i am, but i just wanna know where ny chances of getting her back are right now, sorry for the long post and thanks!
Hey,
Good job getting through 13 days of NC so far. I think there's definitely still a chance for you to win her back since she seemed really supportive of you despite all the problems you had faced. Spend this time to improve yourself and gain a better understanding and composure over your emotions. If you do win her back, make sure you do not push her away this time.
Hello Kevin. I would like to know what to do if I have an memorable event which usually only happen once in a lifetime (e.g. Graduation/Funeral) that I really want to invite him to participate during no contact period. We have dated for 10 years already but we broke up twice before. We broke up again recently but I strongly believe he still love me. I want to go through the no contact period in order to keep him permanently, I don't want to repeat the "broke up cycle" in the rest of my life. What should I do? Thank you for your answer.
Hey Susan,
Good question. If you think it'll be important for him even if he was not in love with you and doesn't have any feelings for you (funeral of someone he was close to); then you should invite him. If not, for example (your graduation), then you shouldn't invite him.
Understood :) Thanks for quick answer
Hi Kevin,
I made a horrible mistake today, and I haven't been sleeping because of it. I logged onto my ex's email account. He probably received notification and changed his password. It's the beginning of week 2 of our breakup, and I feel like I messed things up because he hates people violating his privacy. Do you think I still have a shot? I really appreciate any words of wisdom you can provide me. I let emotions overpower me, and made a mistake, but I'm willing to salvage anything left.
We're 26 and have been together for almost two years.
Hi Wendi,
Since you guys have been together for 2 years, I think you definitely still have a shot. I suggest you read the article on the 5 step plan and try to follow it first using the no contact rule in order to regain a composure on your emotions before any attempt at salvaging things. Regarding the privacy issue, if he found out, I think you should just be honest about it and apologize.
Hi Kevin, my ex broke up with me about a week ago. We were together for more than a year. I’m 20 and he’s 24. He said he lost connection with me and he had wanted to try and fix it for a month but he felt like it was not enough to find that connection. The thing is I had no idea about what he thought after we actually broke up. So it was all of a sudden. He respects me a lot and he keeps an available channel to help me that if I have any questions, feel free to ask him, any questions about our relationships. He said he felt extremely guilty over the hurt that he has caused. I only texted him once after we broke up to tell my feelings and we met after that because he needed to collect his things from my place. And I have not talked to him since. So it’s been around 4 days since we last talked. We agreed to take time apart to reflect ourselves and will set 2 months as the maximum time for each other to give out the final decision. We will meet again to talk about that, not via texts or calls. So in your opinion, do you think we can get back together? The time that we were together was great. However we moved in together quickly after we dated (about 3 months). We did go out but I felt like the fact that seeing each other so much everday and did not create loads of memories has been a factor which led to our break up.
Hi Hue,
Yes I do think that there's definitely a chance of you guys getting back together but before you decide to do anything, I would suggest taking that time you've both set for yourself to also give yourself some space and improve on yourself. This might give you a clearer picture as well on whether you still have feelings for him. Do follow the 5 step plan found above for further guidance.
Hi Ryan, thank you very much for your advice. I really want to write him a hand letter as the guide mentioned. However, I'm not sure when to send it as we are going to meet up again (should I send it before we meet up or on the day we meet up?). I will give him and myself more time but I am thinking of sending the letter after a month of no contact. On the day we meet up, I just want to keep it as happy and casual as possible but not being too friendly and anything about my thoughts and feelings would be written in the letter. However, the idea we meet up is also to discuss about our past relationship so I am quite confused if I should write a letter or not. What would your advice be for this case?
This decision to meet up and discuss your relationship was decided upon before you chose to apply no contact I presume? I think you should stick through with the no contact unless absolutely necessary. The letter should be given to him at the end of the 30 days and that would be a better time to meet up with him since it has only been a week or so. I think it would be better to avoid meeting so soon.
Hi Kevin,
Just a quick question here, what about if ex contacts me to talk in the future (or other signs means ex wants me back) when I am in no contact period, should I reciprocate it?
In worse case, if ex send me "I love you please come backup" message during no contact period. Should I reciprocate it? Thanks
Hi John,
During the no contact period, it's best if you do not reciprocate her texts and even if she wants to get back together, I suggest that you take things slow to give yourself a new perspective as she may also be saying that just to avoid dealing with the pain. Ultimately if you guys get back together, you want the relationship to last and not for the cycle to repeat itself.
Hi Ryan, thanks for your reply. If I text ex after no contact period, let say I text the actual example in the other article : "Hey, I’ll be in [area near ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?". However she is not responding me, should I leave her alone and give up for further action? Thanks.
Hey John,
If she does not reply you, she may be busy or have other reasons (it's too soon). If you intend to try again another time, practice the no contact rule once more for another 2-3 weeks before trying but if she does not reply still, you should be prepared to walk away.
Thanks Ryan, what if she contact me again after I decided to walk away? I know at that time I may not in love with her anymore, but I think I can't just treat her as a stranger as we actually in relationship in the past. Thanks.
Hi John,
In cases like that, there would honestly be no correct answer for it. It would really depend on what you want to achieve out of it. You won't be able to treat her as a stranger, but you may not be able to treat her merely as a friend either. End of the day, I think it's about being fair to both yourself and her.
hi I dated someone briefly and intensely for 1.5 months and we had a big misunderstanding 9/23. I waited 24 days to reach out since our relationship was not
that long and wrote sent out a text light in nature. he replied within 5 minutes to tell me that he already met someone new and has moved on. this is a man who told me he has not been intimate with anyone for one year and I was the first to come along that tugged his heart strings and that he was truly interested in. how could he have moved on so fast? even if it is a rebound, our history was not long enough in comparison to the many other situations on here. help! I feel like I am in a rock and a hard spot. I truly feel so deeply for him and am heartbroken after reading his message yesterday.
Hi Evie,
I feel that you should give yourself some space to breathe right now due to the intensity you may be feeling. If he has truly found someone new, I suggest that you try your best to recover and move on from there. However, if you do see any chance of getting back together with him, it's best you follow the 5 step plan and make a decision again after.
Hey, so my girlfriend broke up with me officially 6 days ago... everyone in the world says this but i know in my heart and soul she is the one for me...my grieving process has taken a huge toll on me as well. We were together for almost 2 years and the first year was wonderful. Once she decided to initiate the break-up, she told me it was due to my lack of attention and constant inability to change to the talks we were having. I was truly blind thinking she would never leave me and some depression i have has seriously hindered my ability to communicate with her properly enough to the point that she decided to break up with me. Once the heartbreak was in my face, was my absolute moment of realization of how ignorant i actually was to the situation and i know I'm not the person i became that second year. This entire situation has caused a snap within myself to understand the changes i made and needed to make, almost a "miracle" of sorts, however she has no belief that i do indeed still love her. She made mention of wanting to stay friends because she does still care about me as a person and the NC rule just cant apply right now because she has nowhere else to live and i of course will not make her homeless. I absolutely love this woman and always have even though my actions have showed her otherwise and i want nothing more than to have her in my life for a multitude of reasons. She is even still wearing the promise ring i got her after our first year. When i made gentle questioning about reconciliation, she told me she was just so angry at me because of what i did and so confused about what to do. That was 6 days ago. I want nothing more than for her to know i really do love her and want her in my life and despite not being able to initiate no contact, i wanted to ask if you think there is any chance at all she will want me back? She has recently started talking with other men which of course bothers me, but i know there's nothing i can do about it and i bite my tongue and say nothing despite my jealousy...can i ever get her back???
Hey Joe,
Based on the situation, it would seem that the best thing you can do right now is to show her with your actions that you are willing to change and not just words. I think you would be able to get her back if you prove to her that you are able to change and help her re-gain her trust in you.
Hi Kevin:
Your blog is really helpful perhaps u can help me too :)
Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago, the reason was very upsetting actually.... we were in a relationship for more than 1.5 years, he has always been secretive about himself, i thought he loved me but i think he was passing his time with me, to cut it short he lied to me almost about everything, he promised to marry me but when the time came to meet my elders he pretended to be ill n said he was diagnosed with leukemia, as he was a doctor he showed me his fake medical report which i verified later, he flew to uk telling me he was going for a treatment, he never disclosed his residential address, still i was stupid enough to trust him blindly, that was my mistake i admit it. when i came to know abt his lies i Confronted him through sms, all he had to say was " forgive me what i did" and he blocked me from all social contacting sites... i was sooooo miserable n even now i am, because it was my very first relationship, im 32 years old but this was the first time i loved someone.... last month he wished me a birthday through some fake fb account pretending to be someone else, i knew it was him n i confronted him again,he kept silent n didn't bother to reply....i wondered why he text me on fb when he abandoned me for no reason, i knew he was a flirt but still i gave him my 100%... i used to caught his lies, his contacts with other women, although he never let me touch his fone, he has been suspicious, which damaged our relationship.... i have a question if he never loved me or never wanted to marry me then why did he spend one and a half year with me? and now after breaking up why he wished me a birthday in disguise?? although he has blocked my messages from every possible source.... need ur expert advise Kevin.... Thx
Hi Selena,
If he was willing to go through such extreme measures to lie to you, perhaps you should be honest to yourself and consider if you really want him back. It may not be a nice thing to hear, but even if he does have feelings for you, is someone who keeps everything a secret a person you want to have a future with?
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me flirting with other girls on several occasions as play keyboard in the weekends. That drove her mad and killed the love we had for 3 years. So I tried to ease her pain and tried to regain her trust but it was to late. As days and weeks past by she developed like a hate for me and I felt that was because she was talking with a 3rd person. But i was still in the picture but i was n't begging i tried to develop a friendship with her because i wasn't begging anymore and we had no problem talking and caring for each other she have a lot going on also her college so i tried to give her space and support. But occasionally she would begin a fight about my flirting and hurting her and that her trust couldn't be restored and I was always ending up comforting her with sorries and One day she told me she was talking with some one that she liked. So i decided then to tell her i would not contact her anymore. After 3 weeks of no contacting(no social/no whatssap whatsoever) she msg a angry(jealous) message telling me that she hated me and that she is seeing another guy and that she doesn't miss me anymore. But I knew on that moment that her goals was to hurt me so I tried to stay calmed and tell her how sorry i was and she would try to let go of these evil thoughts about me. She was spying on my i.g. and couldn't bare seeing other girls liking my photos. But the truth is I love her till death and would like to gain her trust again and be with her. What should I do? she is still hurt and she is always repeating that she would never take me back!
Hi John,
For starters, if you really want her back, follow through with the no contact rule and limit the flirting with other people. If you really do love her and this is what she is insecure about, it is something you will have to change. She may be currently feeling angry and that's why you have to give her some breathing room, however you shouldn't always be apologizing especially if you haven't done anything wrong since the incident.
Hi Kevin,
I would like to ask if I had a chance to come back with my ex. He broke up with me last week out of the blue and his reason was lost of connection. We’d been together for over a year and I know that I still have feelings for him. Our time together had been great. However, we moved in together quickly after we dated. He treated me very well but then one day he decided to break up with me because he said he thought about losing connection and tried to fix it by himself for about a month but it didnt work. He said it had nothing to do with physical attraction or the way I treated him. I have read your advices and today is my 3rd day of NC. We met last week after we broke up because he needed to collect his things from my place. He talked a little bit and he said feel free to ask him if I have any questions I have in mind. I havent talked to him since the last day we met. Looking forward to seeing your response! Thank you.
Hi Ann,
In this situation, follow through with the no contact rule and at the end of the period, attempt at re-contacting with your ex if you still want to be together with him. This gives both of you some space and be able to see things and reach out from a fresher perspective. If you do re-contact with him and get succeed in getting back together, make sure you have an honest talk with him about not trying to fix everything himself. A relationship is ultimately a partnership and no one party should attempt anything by themselves.
Hi kevin, my ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago, we had been in a 5 years relationship. We did fight almost 1-2 times for month lately and most of the times started by me because i felt that i was giving too much and he didnt make the effort so that frustrated me and made me been irritable many times. So we got in a fight and he told me that he loved me but wasnt happy and the felt that the relationship was patologic; i cried and ask him to give us the chance to try make things Work but he refused. So since that day, 3 weeks ago i havnt call or text him; neither has he.
Will we have a chance of getting back? I not sure what i should do
Hey Jenni,
You were together for a long time. You definitely have a chance. But before contacting him, you must make some changes in yourself.
So I'm 2 weeks into no contact, she has sent me a few messages but I'm going strong and not replying. Recently I had to change phone providers and my phone number changed as well. Do I tell her my number changed or do I continue until it's over and I'm ready to reach out? At this point she has no way to contact me and I can't receive and possibilities of her reaching out.
Hey Jeff,
You can tell her when you end no contact.
Thanks man, quick follow up. How do you think that will change the re contact message?
Just add the fact that you recently changed your number. Nothing more. If she tried contacting you, she will understand why you didn't receive the texts.
hi kevin, my partner and i have been together 3.5 years engaged for 2.5 years, he has a child now 15 (boy) who decides 8 months into our relationship he hates my guts..... its been a struggle these last few years and we have ended due to this child......
thing is we both love each other alot and have a great relationship.... im in the no contact stage as i need to figure out what i want so really pleased i stumbled upon your sight...... do you think i can get my man back !
Hey Emily,
You can get him back, but unless you figure out a way for the child to like you, it will still be an uphill battle. But if you think he is worth it; it's definitely worth trying. There is a chance it will work if you give him (and his child) a little bit of space and slowly get back to speaking with each other again.
thanks kevin, this could be difficult as i have no idea why his child dislikes me so much, i guess that is why our relationship ended due to not understanding how our relationship could move forward without knowing how to fix things..... i know my ex loves me but just doesnt know how to deal with it all.....
Sometimes children and teenagers reject change and especially when in their teenage years, can possible rebel against someone they see as a threat (due to change). It's not something easy to deal with as a single parent, because in most cases, their child still would come as the first priority while the relationship second.
Hey Kevin, I am currently in 4 days of NC. Actually, we haven't broken up yet. He is in another relationship for 7 months while in relationship with me for 7 years. Yes, he betrayed me due to my faults. In his last contact, he told me to focus on my exam as my final year exam is too close and he promised he won't let me wait for a long time.I'm now studying and doing NC, too. But I'm afraid something. By doing NC, can we be far more and more ? Can his new relationship be more stronger and closer as they are working together at the same company ? His friend told me to send message sometimes to be keep in touch with him. I really don't know what to do next. Please kindly advice me. Thank you !
Hi Khai,
I recommend you break up with him instead of letting him disrespect you and keep you as a backup. If you want him to be with you out of respect; it's crucial you do this. Once you have broken up with him, I want you to do no contact for at least two months before contacting him.
Hey Kevin,
We really used to love each other and we had fights before also.
But this time it was nasty.
All I can say that she wasn't performing well at work.
I went to her office
Her boss said she isn't do well because of my torture.
You should leave her alone.
The only line she said to me was I should focus on my career only.
Off course she said It's over.
In desperation I called her mom
But didn't said anything about us.
She call back and abused me
And said they will take me back home and I will loose my career.
I will follow ever step that u have mentioned.
Still need to know
If I can earn her back.
Guidance please.
Regards
Anil p
Hey Anil,
There is a chance. Just follow the plan above and work on yourself.
What if your ex has already moved on with another lady
Here's an article telling you what to do if he has moved on to a new lady.
Hi Kevin. My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago out of the blue. We've been friends for three years, and got back together around two months ago. We were long distance, with the plan for me to move to where he lives and us to get an apartment together. Everything was perfect and wonderful, both while we were friends, and during the brief period that we dated, but then he started to pull away, and suddenly he picked a silly fight with me and told me to move on. I've tried contacting him, and I made a couple of mistakes you listed (like acting a little crazy and needy...) and he hasn't returned any of my texts. I'm not sure if I should move on, or wait it out and follow your plan. I don't understand why he did this to me, and honestly it broke my heart. I suspect it might be another woman, or maybe he got scared of the commitment, and overwhelmed by his new job. Thank you!
Hey Rakaia,
Start with no contact. Only you can decide if he is worth trying to get back with. If by the end of no contact, you feel like he is not worth it, then move on.
I want thank about all your advice and i wish to be good doing this steps ,, but i want to give you some details about my ex first we have been in relationship for seven years then he found another girl and love her soo much then we brokeup i stood alone 1 year then i go in a rebound relationship but i never forget my only love and don’t feel great in my relationship because i was always want to talk my ex ,, then i broukup after 10 month,, in those months i talke to my first love about 5 times and he breakup but he say her ex was a real love ,,,,,, after this all i call him after my breakup and i show him how much i love him but he says he afraid of being with me again and i meet him and saw the love in her eyes ,,,, finally did you see your steps will be effective now ! Or it’s too late ??!!! Please answer me :D and forgive my bad english iam from sudia
Hey Raghda,
I can't say for sure. But if you love him and think he is worth it, you should try getting him back. If it doesn't work, you will know you tried your best and you can move on.
Hi Kevin
She broke up with me last Sunday over skype after 2.7 years, only started going bad this past few months. We had been doing long distance for over 1.5 years seeing each other every month at least. I have not messaged her since she skyped to break up with me saying she was not happy anymore and we ended amicable. I know she's the one though should I message her asking if she regrets it since I've not spoken to her at all yet since or continue no contact for 30 days?
Continue no contact.
Hey Kevin, I messed up and was texting a girl from few weeks ago late night while she was out of town. I never followed through nor have ever been a cheater, stupidly I regret it. Obviously she went through my texts and saw that one as the catastrophe happened. This led to over analyzing every other text with platonic relationships I have with co workers and female friends.
I know I was wrong and to her I’ve been deceitful during the entire time as she has less if any trust for me. Trust is something she emphasized when dating and after that’s her big thing, as with many.
We had a little text battle of going back and forth The first two days, “how could...” “I’m sorry... I was being stupid...I didn’t act on it ...etc”. Then the 3rd day we talked on the phone more less the same as texting, as everything was calm- yes tears br nothing was ever hateful nor yelling.
We live separate as she has a chunk of my belongings at her place. She has family coming to town this weekend and on the phone advised she wouldn’t be able to have us meet/ me grab my stuff.
Just curious how should I go back and make this thing work itself out, if possible.
Hey Nick,
Here's an article on what to do if you cheated.
Hello Kevin, before I begin. I must admit I really messed up and acted childishly, she was giving attitude anytime I call her and she hardly calls or return my calls so I felt she's seeing someone so I asked her on several occasions which she told me there's no one but she broke up with her ex just to be with me so I sometimes feel she will do same to me. As she kept on with the attitude, I got bored and threaten to leak her naked pictures which I was just joking because there's no way I can do that. So she had to go through emotional pain and she opted for a break but trust me, there was no way I could have done that because I love her so much Kevin. She promised never and ever to get back to me again. I need advice please. Thank you
Hey Amoako,
Just follow the plan above. Do no contact. And then contact her using one of the texts in this article. I recommend you start with an apology.
Hey,
We were together for just a little less than two years. We had so much chemistry and we worked great as a team - everyone around us saw that. He's been under a lot of stress lately and we had a small fight that lead to a break up. We've had bigger fights in the past but we both grew from it and learned from it. Is this all just because of the stress he's going through? I asked for a 'cool down' or a break but he said he didn't want 'us' anymore. I asked if he would give us another chance in the future but he said 'no'. Just the day before, he was telling me how much he loved me.
I think the no contact is interesting but he's in all my classes and we're working very closely on a project. I've read the 'no contact rule at work and events' but seeing him being okay really sucks. How can I get more space?
Hi Kat,
If there is no way to get space from him because of the project, you will just have to endure. Although, if you two had any kind of meaningful relationship, I can guarantee you that he is not just "okay". He is putting up an act because he is angry and he wants you to feel bad. The best way to respond to his act is by keeping your head held high and if you both ever talk about the breakup or relationship, be honest about how you feel (that it's hard and you are healing) instead of playing into his game and try to show him that you are okay as well.
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago because of long distance we still talk time to time and the during the no contact phase she showed signs that she was missing me posting songs about missing an ex ect.. When she contacted me firstshe did it for a couple of days and pulled away showing hot and cold mixed messages. Is There a chance that I can still get her back since I'm moving back to where she loves since I got a job offer there?
Hey Brandon,
That's great. You should contact her when you reach there. Until then, it's better to do no contact.
Hi,he broke up with me last Monday because he was tired of everything, he told me that he loved me but he cant take it anymore, he feels like he is the only one interested in this relationship,and he told me that i didn't care about him, he feels like he annoyed me,and when he show his feeling and then he kissed me, i pushed him away because i was shy when we do that in front of other people.And when we were still in high school, my mom didn't allow me to date him, she told me that we could date after i go to university, i am now a freshmen, and he once told me to talk to my mom about our relationship but i was shy so i didnt talk to my mom. He was pissed because he is tired of sneaky when we hung out all the time, he told me that he feels like he isnt good enough for me, he want me to move on, he told me that he loved me , he missed me but he want to be alone. I agreed but i missed him so i contacted him the next day, we talked like nothing happen and then he refused to talk to me. Then yesterday, i inboxed him, i begged him to come back, i swear that i would change , he refused and told me "dont inbox me , wont reply" and then i cried , i inboxed him and told him my feelings, and i told that "i wont annoyed you anymore, goodbye , i hope that we would never see each other again" so i stop contacting him. But he followed me on instagram , so he saw everything that i post. Should i block him, so that he would feel like i have disapeared from his life? I miss him, i started to go to the gym and i feel great, but i want him back. What should i do when he willing to not come back with me? Thank you so much
Hi,
There is no need to block him. You should do that only if he is contacting you relentlessly. For now, just do no contact and focus on healing yourself. Don't focus on what he is feeling and definitely don't focus on how you can manipulate them.
Hey Kevin,
Love your program and advice. Just started no contact after my partner broke it off with me a week ago. I was a real emotional mess on the phone and haven’t spoken since. No text or emails or anything. It’s hard but I’m keeping strong. She is a corporate manager and has huge workload at present and very responsible demand. She says she needs to focus on work and has nothing more to give everyone right now and needs to unplug. Her mum is battling cancer also which weighs heavily. I don’t use Facebook and today I get a text to return one of her items (daughters car service book) as I did a huge amount of work on it for them both, and if she can post me my stuff from her place. Problem it’s more than postage as a few larger effects (pillow books and equipment) other than just shaver toothbrushes etc. she has minimal stuff here at my place only cosmetics and stuff. I have stuff to give her that she bought me from an overseas visit as souvenir and other stuff like after shave etc. I really love her and she is the best relationship I’ve had (8 months) this is my third real serious relationship. We’re both in late 40,s. do I ignore all contact or even after one text tell her to give me time right now and I’ll contact her? Any help is appreciated as I’m stuck on this one. I’m going to buy the program online now. Hopefully I get an answer soon from you. Cheers.
Hey Brendan,
If it's something important and cannot wait, you can return it to her. Although, it might be a better idea to return it via a mutual friend or an acquaintance. If there is no workaround, you can meet her and return the item. But when you meet her, keep it casual and as short as possible. If the breakup comes up, be honest that you are still healing.
Hi so I was friends with my boyfriends for 3 years then dated for 8 months and he broke up with me last month because he didn't want a girlfriend and that he was to busy for one and it wouldn't be fair to me but that we should still talk and just not have a label. So it was like we were dating still but didn't see each other as much. Then last week when we hung out he said that I was his and that he was only talking to me and didn't want to talk to any other girls and then the next day someone told me that he was talking to someone else I asked him if it was true and he said no it was only me. Then a couple days later I called him and asked him what he did that night and he told me he spent the night sleeping. Then a couple hours later he told me that he moved on from me and when I kept asking him if there was another girl he said yes and told me he didn't spend the night sleeping he was with her then stopped answering me completely. We haven't talked in a couple days and this girl is in college far away from us and she's known for being a slut. But he told me he really likes her. Should I try the no contact thing and see what happens? I'm really confused because I want to be with him
Yes, you should do no contact. I'll recommend at least two months of no contact. I also want you to read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the above article. Don't end no contact until you have done each item in the checklist.
Hello Kevin,what If My Ex Shows Up Suddenly At My Door Step Smiling And Al That During The No Contact Period,what Should Be My Reaction To Him?
Tell him that you need some space and time and you don't want to see or speak to him for a while. If he insists on speaking, listen to what he has to say and then again repeat that you need space and time.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up about 5 days ago with my bf, whom I was dating for 4 months. And I know that during that relationship I didn't give my all because I wasn't sure of my feelings ( I tried to end it after 3 weeks, but he wouldn't give up). Because of my past relationships, I was very guarded. So I wasn't opening up to him, I sometimes was mean, didn't appreciate him just because I didn't want him to fall in love with me. So he fell out of love with me and broke up. Now that I see my mistakes, I would like to give it another chance and see how it would go and give each other a fair shot of really trying to work this out.
We had a conversation sunday, and it ended really well. I was more open during that whole conversation than I ever was during the relationship. We left on a positive vibe, both accepting the break up and we're still going for dinner in a exclusive restaurant that is really hard to make reservations for (we're going the 30th october).
So I have two problems: 1) i would like to text him and say that: Though I didn't really always showed it, that he means a lot to me. And that I know it's to late now, but I just wanted him to know that. And that I look forward to going to the restaurant. Then I would go no contact. And thus my second problem 2) No contact should at least be 30 days, but since we have made that reservation in about 20 days do you think it is harmful for the reconciliation?
Hi Flower,
1) There is no harm in telling him that as long as you are not saying it out of neediness or desperation. It's actually a pretty good way of letting him know that you understand the mistakes.
2) 30 days is not written in stone. In your case, I think it will be okay to end it after 20 days.
Hello, Kevin. thanks for your all articles. It really helpful and relieving me.
I had broke up 2 month ago, because my ex girlfriend felt lassitude of our relationship.
And also she need her own time.I was quite a shocked.and didn't said anything but ok. I asked her for reconsider after 10days of break up. but she said there are no reverse of her decision. I had no contact after that. but still waiting her.
there were no argument in our relationship. We were in good mood. I can't believe this situation happened. still...
do you think I should contact and meet her in a month? I'm worry about she forget me.
thank you for read this. (from south korea)
we met for 3 years.
Hi Jay,
Yes, you should do no contact and follow the plan. When you end no contact, don't ask her to get back together immediately. Rebuild attraction and connection slowly. I wrote an article on how to do so via text messages here.
I was dating a man for 4 months and I was really into him. Unfortunately 4 months earlier he had just gotten out of a long (7 yr) toxic relationship. In the back of my mind I knew he wasn't ready to jump into another relationship, but I really liked him and was hoping he would have a change of heart. We saw each other once a week and we got along really well. But everytime we would get close he would pull back a little. 2 weeks ago after some cold behavior he ended things stating that he was having some personal problems and he wasn't ready for a commitment. As much as I care about him and as hard as it is for me I have gone no contact. It has been almost a week and it's not easy. Do you think I have a chance at another shot when he sorts out his feelings and attachment to his ex? Will no contact work in a situation like this? I know it will help me heal but I eventually want another chance with him.
Hi Joanne,
It's very hard to know if/when he will sort out his feelings for his ex. In my opinion, you should keep your hopes in check. If you think he is worth it, you should try again after at least a couple of months.
Hi my ex broke up with me in December last year. We were together 18 months. He is in constant touch through texts and Ive tried the no contact and only managed 21 days. He came back. Lately he texts all the time and we have seen each other briefly a month or so ago. Does he still love me, I want him back but not sure he is just keeping me hanging on to stop me moving on. I cant imagine my life without him.
Hi Georgia,
If you can't imagine your life without him, then you should resume no contact. If he contacts you again, tell him you need some space and time to heal from the breakup and you will appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while.
You should contact him again, when you can imagine your life without him. This way, he won't have so much power over you and you will be able to make better decisions.
Hi, I followed your plan and it worked!
I just took him out 2 days ago on a first date after we stopped seeing each other for 1.5months, we ended up at his place at one point and he wanted to have sex. But I stopped him and said that we're friends now and this is not what friends do. He agreed and we didn't have sex, I went home that night :) However I still tried to show him my desire for him through subtle actions. It's been 2 days already, and I haven't received any message from him after we said goodbye.
So, my question are:
- How long should I wait to text him?
- How long should I wait to ask him out again?
- I'm still attractive to him, should we have sex next time? I'm afraid that this is gonna turn into the "Friend with benefits" relationship instead of the romantic one. And that is the last thing I want to happen
Thanks :)
Hi Billie,
Text him again today or tomorrow. If his response is positive, ask him out again in a week or two. I won't recommend having sex with him until you feel a strong emotional connection with him. Ideally, you want to talk about getting back together before you sleep with him.
This is a wonder website with a wealth of information.
I knew this guy back in 1979, reconnected on Facebook. He expressed his love for me over that time period.
My intentions once I found him was not for a relationship, he is somewhat handicapped. With me I was reading to much in his messages, I would get up set about the smallest things, he was acting different one day and I did not know what was going on , I blew up and said some pretty nasty things that I really hated so said, he forgave me. I was working on my attitude and I guess he was just tired, he blocked me on Facebook and I did not know what was going on things were headed in the right direction and I think he was tired. He used to block me on his Facebook page, he does not do that now, he won’t take my pictures down and I am the only one there who is not family.
I writes him all day and everyday. Your 30 day will help me, not sure about the relationship, because he had something going on as well. But I am not 100 percent sure. Will your plan help me with him? I know it will be great for me.
Thanks,
Jewell
We don’t live in the same state.
Hi Jewell,
Yes, it will help giving each other some space. Good luck. Read this article about contacting him when you are ready.
Hi Kevin, so our breakup was sort off mutual... We dated for 10years and both went wondering, if you know what I mean. I decided to tell him about is as the other guy was blackmailing me and I couldn't keep it to myself no more. It broke me as I knew what was going to happen and he would be sohonest hurt. About two weeks after this we broke up, I moved out etc. We did not contact one another for 6 months...We are chatting now, made the mistake to be intimate with him. He has a much younger friend (lady) that he is not really open about. He constantly says we are rekindling our relationship but doesn't want to label it as he says he needs time. I am starting to loose hope and I am irritated with my insecurities regarding this other girl. He constantly says they are just friends. It seems that when we are together he pulls me closer and over texts pushes me away. He also recently stated that he doesn't want to sleep with me every time we are together. Last night he came over for dinner, we ate then accidentally fell asleep. I am so confused and just want to know what to do. In the time apart I have realised what I did wrong and I feel excited to improve these mistakes. I battle to get a hold on my emotions sometimes. Something else as well, he doesn't tell anyone we are chatting? Doesn't really want to go out...although it was his birthday not so long ago...he went away but I called tothe say, happy birthday at midnight..before that he constantly messaged me saying "he misses me". Also another thing, not sure what to make of this phrase.."I've got love for you enough to make you my wife and the mother of my child" is this just empty words? If I don't contact him during the day he'll ask me what's up as I am very quiet. He also stated that I've changed and he likes it as I am more confident etc. However I feel like I'm losing it, why would he say that but state he wants to go into 2018 single. Please can you shed some light?
Hey Annie,
If it's taking a toll on your emotional and mental health, you should lay your cards out on the table. Tell him that this is too much for you emotionally and if he wants to give it a try, there are some boundaries he should follow. For example, don't sleep with him until you are both back together.
You don't want to stay in limbo forever. You need to know that you are moving forward. If he wants to give it a try, he should make an effort to address whatever is stopping him from moving forward. If he doesn't make an effort to progress; you should be willing to let him go and move on. Unless you are willing to walk away, he will have no incentive to commit.
Kevin I went through the no contact period. I got about day 10 of the texting plan. and it was going pretty well. I was out and she met up with me, she was winding me up about dating someone, to cut a long story short, she dumbed me for being younger than her, but then i find out she's dating a 22 year old (a few years younger than us both) and I just lost it, probably didn't help that I was drunk.
Do you recommend starting the no contact period again? if so thats fine I didn't find it difficult the first time round.
Yeah, you should start no contact again.
After reading your rebound article it does seem to have the same sort of similarities as you suggest in it, however because of my reaction I'm guessing this is going to push her towards him more? if they do keep speaking they will have been seeing each other for quite awhile by the point I've finished no contact, I take it the chances of me actually pulling this off now will most likely be pretty slim, would you agree? also the elephant in the room text, do you send that on the final day of no contact?
Hey Sam,
Actually, the more they speak to each other, the more they will realize that their connection is shallow because your ex is not ready for a serious relationship yet. There is no way to know for sure how much chance you have. But if I have to guess, I'll say you still have a decent chance of this working if you follow the plan.
Thanks Kevin much appreciated
Kevin think I'd go as far to say you're a genius. I could do with some more advice though please. Last night I'm on a night out, I see my Ex and her friends, I played it cool and just enjoyed myself, however my Ex was hating on me, her friends were constantly trying to speak to me because they like me, and i could tell that was annoying her. So it turns out that her and this 'rebound guy' hadn't worked, apparently he was acting like a d**k (you were completely right on that one). anyway I'm a week off starting no contact, last night my ex messages me after the night out saying 'never speak to me again i hate you' i chose to ignore the message because I could tell she was just raging at me. she then ended up calling me and I just played it cool and took the elephant in the room approach, it seemed to work really well. my question to you is though is, where do I go from here? do I start the messaging stage now?
Hey Sam,
Great job playing it cool. I'd say give her a week of limited contact (only talk if she initiates) and then slowly start rebuilding attraction and connection through texts, phone calls and an eventual date.
Hi Kevin! Great article! I plan to follow it to a T!
However, i have one question, where you say that you should NOT message them or reply to their messages in the no contact period..
if the event does occour where they message you during this period,and if i follow your advice to not reply untill i feel right doing so
, what do i reply with when they inevitably ask me why i didnt reply that whole time? i feel silly saying "i was doing my 30 days no contact"beause then it makes it seem like i was obsessing over getting over them...
hope this makes sence
You can reply to them when they text you first. Just tell them you need some space and time to deal with the breakup before you can speak to them comfortably.
Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago and when ever I call her she is getting irritated with me?... I spoke very bad with her so please guide me what I should do now?
The article above is actually a guide on what you should do now.
He broke up with me a week ago, but before that he tried to ask for some space for a while. Now, he said that he is attracted with someone else. Someone who has these traits that I dont have. I called him from his work and he said, right now, he doesn't want us to be together anymore and he likes this other girl. I also called the girl, she said that they've cut the ties between them but it is her who's my ex want now and not me. What should I do?
Follow the plan.
I'll tell you now. Every single word of this site is 100 % correct.
No girl ever goes back to a cry baby but everyone forgets their ex's weakness with time ad remembers the real them.
I cried and begged to get her back for 6 months, but as soon as I gave up and moved on and became once again, the boy she fell in love with in the first place, she chased me.
We've now been married ten years.
Believe me, I made every mistake described above.
I was first guy she slept with and was sure I'd never see her again.
Every day of that 6 month was hell.
If you're the one being left. Tell them you'll miss them forever and then never call them again.
I was told that by a clever pal, every day for 6 months but ignored and got to the stage when my (now wife and at the time girlfiend of 5 years) started to hate me.
2 months later she found out I was happy with someone else and she took me down and told me she loved me.
This is not shallow, its part of growing up. Realising you are with the right one.
Be strong. Never call them.
They left you. Pity will never win them back.
Hey John,
Thank you for your comment. It's great to hear from someone who has reconciled and has been with his ex for 10 years.
i'm hoping my ex takes me back even after the rough time we had before we broke up...
i am going to do whatever it takes to get her back, thanks for all the information...
This is my 4th message to you. I send last two weeks ago but no reply from you. I hope to get message this time because I really need advise right now on how to get my ex back.
It has been 7 weeks since my ex and I broke up. We are only connected in social media.....we became friends and then decided to move forward to a serious relationship. Our first meet up suppose to be was on May this year but our plan didn't happen. I broke up with him. I am totally fed up about whats happening to him and all the issues about him. I told him not to send message to me because during that time I want peace of mind. Then He said OK. We are still connected in social media but we don't send messages for each other. But what kills me is seeing him active in messenger and other app very late at night....What keeps a man stay long in social media? Maybe he already find someone. It freaks me out because I want him back. Should I send first to him (ITS IN THE 4TH AND 5TH STEP) even I told him not to contact me? But last week I received a call from him in IMO but he said he accidentally press the call button and said sorry. Then I told him its ok and wish him Happy Birthday because the following day was his birthday. Then he said Thank you. I didn't reply after that. Should I start the conversation even all problem between us were all about his issues? I really need your expertise on this. Please send me reply.
Hey Catherine,
You should do no contact. If you are finished with no contact, contact him.
Hi Kevin I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago I will follow what you said and when the 30 days are over do I message him first or wait for him to message me and also these 30 days are so hard to not text him. Please do email me
Hey,
Read the 4th step. If you are ready to end no contact, then you can contact him.
Kevin,
Me and my ex has been broken up for a month now. He is now seeing another guy. I know this is not a rebound relationship because he really likes this guy. My ex is 27 and his new person he is dating is 20 but they both work together and my Ex is his boss. Again, my ex has blocked me from everything and has told me over and over again to move forward and that this is done. We were together for 5 months. What do I do to win him back? Is it too late?
Hey..i have this guy i really liked..still do but its a distant relationship..we kept quiet fr a while because at some point he said i had made him distant..yet all i did was care..called him all the time before that..i texted him and yet he never did all tht..he z kind of a workaholic so he always pushed me to do something..many times i failed coz i didn't know where to strt frm..he always was abt work..and at some point he complained how i always wanted to meet..did tht coz he was never around..time came n he said i made him distant..asked him how i did tht..he never replied..so decided to go with the no contact rule...the 30 days got done..when i contacted him, he replied..but itd always me asking questions and talking..he never asks but replies all ma qns..he always waitd fr me to ask then he replies like before..he z not in the country so that's kinda hard..what should i do? Does he still care?
Kevin,
It has been 3 weeks since me and my ex broke up. He is all what I think about and I called him several times through *67 since he blocked me on everything still. Do I have to start the 30 day no contact rule again? I'm so lost. Please advice. This post is from the same Matt a couple post above by the way. Thanks!
Hey Kevin,
Loved your article!
I broke up with my ex nearly 2 years ago and now I'm questioning if it was the right decision. He's just about started talking to someone he might end up dating ....
Do you think the 5 step plan might be worth a shot given all the time that has passed ?
Thanks !
Yes, it might be.
Hey Kevin, I would like to ask you a simple question. When in the process is best to ask for my belongings? It has been for weeks since we broke up and I´ve contacted him only once since. He sent me a message this week but nothing special. Only that I got an letter from health insurance at his pace and what it sayes. Can I just start conversation and ask him what shall we do with my things?
Hey Bára,
If the things are important for you and you need them urgently, then you should speak to him about it. If not, then you can leave them for now while you are doing no contact.
Hi kevin.
Me and my girlfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago and i made all those mistake i became needy desperate and miserable and begged her i kinda regret it after reading ur post.... what should i do now?
P.s we are already on no contact thing from both sides nor im texting or
Calling her neither and i have blocked her everywhere except whatsapp and i have uploaded many sad statuses during no contact is it a bad thing?
Follow the plan Abdul.
Hey Kevin,
I'm reading your website and I'm really tempted to send something to my ex girl right now (after 2 months). If my English sounds off, don't be harsh it's a Belgian dude here. I think your website is very usefull, but I'm doubting it will be usefull for my case... The thing is, my ex-girl is halve Egyptian and halve Dutch and born in France (mixture of everything almost ?). She is also Muslim and I'm a full fletchet Atheïst, I still didn't give a damn. Love should be above religion, ethnicity,... everything you see. But (now comes it) she was/is daddy's little girl... In our year and 3 month relation she didn't tell her dad out of fear for his reaction. A few weeks before the break-up, her aunt in Egypt liked a photo of us 2 in Facebook. But she didn't tell her dad yet aswell... That aunt is her dads sister, in case you didn't see the plot. Anyways, I think she might have closed because of that Like on Facebook... I really have no idea on how to handle this right now, and make her tell her dad about the relationship.
Hey Yannick,
It's always more complicated when religion is involved. I think you should be realistic that it won't work. If you have not done no contact till now, do it and give her some space to think about everything and miss you. After that, contact her and lay your cards on the table.
I think a good approach will be to tell her that you refuse to stay with her if she is hiding you from her dad. Tell her that she should tell him in a calm way and if he does not agree with this relationship (despite seeing that it makes his daughter happy) and she doesn't want to go against her father, then you should both break it off for good.
Hey !! I just loved your blog!! But i was thinking that if i tell him that i have accepted the breakup and moved on..will it really work because that's what he wanted when i used to plead him all the time to come back?
No one can guarantee it will work. But you have a better chance of getting him back if you are coming from a place of confidence instead of neediness.
Hi Kevin,
Registered on you website a d went through test twice ... Did not receive any email. Please help
Hi Kunal,
Did you check your spam/junk folder?
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up exactly three weeks ago. We had dated very seriously for almost 8 months. We had even discussed marriage and our lives together in the future. I'm feeling confident in myself and happy but I still miss her and want her back. I'm worried that if I wait too long, she will move on to someone else. I've been doing a lot of things to change my life including working out, working on selling my car, changing my career, not playing video games, etc. Would it be okay if I ran into her this upcoming Sunday instead of waiting the full month? She broke up with me and removed me from ALL social media platforms, so I know she is trying to move on. I guess my biggest question is, how do I not know she won't move on? How do I know that I'm not waiting TOO LONG for the No Contact Period.
Hey Darby,
There is no way to know for sure. But in my experience with helping thousands of readers personally I have realized that most people don't move on so quickly. And even if it feels like she is moving on, there will always be a part of her that will love you so you will still have a chance if you make the right moves.
Hi Kevin,
I read your advice everyday and im very thankful for it. Me and my ex boyfriend broke up last Tuesday. We dated for about 4 months and we even said that we loved each other during the very beginning. But two Thursdays ago, I had a mental breakdown that he went out to the gay bars without telling me. He said he needed some space because he felt I was suffocating him. He moved out of my place 3 days later. I feel of course miserable and I want him back desperately. I already did a few mistakes that you listed above such as calling him maybe about 30 times and texting him. As a result he blocked my number and blocked me on facebook. He has said multiple times to give him space which I have been now doing for the past few days. Do you really think I can get back with him? I love him very much and a few people are saying it might be too late. Please help!!
It's not too late. The only way to know for sure if it will work is to follow the plan.
Kevin,
How am I able to communicate with him after the 30 day plan if he blocked me from everything? I'm afraid that he will forget about me and move on from me. I'm basically his first real relationship. He is 27 and I'm 28. Also, my Birthday is coming up on the 4th of July this Tuesday and what do I do if he does message me happy birthday? I'm trying to keep myself occupied with my friends but my ex is always on my mind. I have been eating less and less everyday and a loss of appetite because of my ex. Also, I broke down last Friday after one of my friends told me he saw my ex on Grindr.... a gay hook up app for gay guys. He told me before we broke up that he loves me but he is not in love with me that he needs space and time to see if he will miss me and he said that he wants to find his way back to me and that he needs to figure things out. I don't know what that means. Also he still has my key to my house and everyday I hope for him to just walk in. Literally I'm a complete mess without him, he is basically the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Hey Matt,
You need to get yourself together if you want to have any chance of getting him back. He will not be attracted to you in the state of mind you are in. This is why you should do no contact. Read this article for the rest of your questions.
Hi Kevin,
After the no contact period, how am I able to contact him if he blocked me from everything? There is no way to get in contact with him through text message, snapchat, facebook, or instagram. I don't even know where he lives. The last message he sent me was "I will reach out to you when I'm ready, please leave me be and I need you to respect that".
Hey Matt,
There is a good chance he will unblock you during no contact. Even if he doesn't, you can always use an email.
Hi Kevin just to add to my previous comment-
We broke up because she caught me talking to this ex of mine two other times. Both times she got upset and and gave me chances. Now that we've broken up again she said she doesn't know if she could go through all of this again, we both love each other we txt everyday but she just doesn't trust me anymore. She says she needs time but yet she's already talking to other guys and most possibly meeting up with them too. What does that mean? I'm confused, does she want time so she can go and have fun to hurt me or has she moved on and just said she needs time to think about things and to trust me again to keep me on a leash? She knows I want her and I've apologised to her multiple times, idk what to do... I just want her back. How do I get her back?
Hey,
You need to be patient and give her time. Read this article.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my ex almost two months ago now. She said it was mutual, but it was mostly my doing. I didn't feel a connection. However we kept seeing eachother and attraction was still there. I spoke with her about it and she said she wanted more time to figure out what she wanted. Almost two weeks later I gave her flowers, made a card, and a bottle of wine and hid it so we could find it together. We found it and agreed to take it slow. However she later told me she only took it because she was afraid of rejecting me. We spoke and I said some potentially hurtful things. We agreed to be friends again, but I still miss her. I feel like I ruined the only chance I had...I should have given her the time she asked for. Is there any way to get a third chance with her? I saw her at the gym yesterday after two weeks NC and it seemed fine. I don't know...
Hey Mac,
There maybe a chance. You won't know if you don't try. Just follow the plan again and don't give her gifts until you are sure she wants to be with you.
Hello,
I'm Henry from the UK.
So my girlfriend broke up with me I was devastated and crying for a good while begging in disbelief. A couple days later we went to the cinemas and at the end I apologized for crying so much when she broke up with me. A couple days after that we went out as a group her me and two others, we had quite a good time but a few times throughout we had our difficulties, which I think annoyed her quite a bit. After the day out I messaged her at night that I'd like to talk to her in person whenever she next had a chance.
A few days later we met up (this would be a week and 1/2 since she broke up with me) and I told her something like 'I still love you and as much as I want to keep you in my life we can't hang out anymore because it hurts me too much and it'll prevent me from moving on. For now I need to focus on myself and heal and move on. I hope you understand' and then later I said you can call me if you ever feeling down and really need help/support.
Now it's been 6 days and I haven't talked to her. We still have eachother on facebook and snapchat, I haven't sent her any direct snapchats but she can still see my story, she views what I post, I assume she just is up to date with all her friends stories on snapchat not just mine, my story snapchats have been of my life of me going out and doing things, If i was in her shoes and making a judgement of how I was coping with the breakup it'd probably seem like im doing fine/well because everything on my snapchat has a positive vibe. Should I stop posting on snapchat or should I not continue as normal. Has the 30 days already started from when I said we can't hang out or did snapchat ruin it?
Thank in advance <3
You should stop posting on snapchat and focus on yourself for a while. You are using snapchat to stay connected with her and communicate indirectly. And the point of no contact is to remove all connection for a short while.
Hi Kevin,
My Gf and I have recently broke up. Infact its becoming a routine.
Every month, everytime we get into an argument she always chooses to end it. When shes happy she send me long text msgs how happy she is -ill copy and paste one of her msgs "
Baby i'm laying here thinking how grateful and blessed i am to have you in my life, i know sometimes i don't show it at all and when i'm upset or sad i hurt you without any intentions too, i'm here to let you know what i'm feeling not just because you have been so good to me these weeks but i want you to know that we both have came a long way.. to get to where we are now in our relationship. I am still learning about you each day i learn how to deal with you and yet till today i'm still learning how to communicate with you better, thank you for supporting me through everything and being so patient with me. I hope we can continue to be positive and happy and go on more adventures together! i want to create unforgettable memories ones that give each other the feels when we think about it, just memories like you coming to pick me up or me sitting on the train with you going to work, simple things like that make me happy, i love you so much, i know you say your always here for me and that no one can replace me, what you have told me i've never been told that in my life and it gives me this feeling i cannot describe, yet it's a feeling of ease.. a warm, comforting feeling in my heart that makes me want to burst into tears of happiness, yet when i hear those words from you in person or over the phone it makes me have that rush warm feeling all over again and it makes me what to hug and smother you with kisses :$
i hope this makes you smile after a long day of work! or should i say short day haha! "
That msg was sent a week ago.
Anyway two days ago she choosed to end it because of ne going out with a friend when she broke up with me, saying that I am cheating. So now she had blocked me completely on everything. But she still chooses to reply to me via email. But consistenly telling me to leave her alone. I would leave her but prior to this we had a discussion of her saying its over , she has said she hated me for that moment. I dont know what to do
Hey Arvin,
Do no contact and follow the plan. There is a good chance she will want to get back together after you start no contact. If she does, take things slowly and tell her clearly that you do not want a relationship where she breaks up every time there is a fight. You both need to work on your communication. You should lead by example. Start reading books on communication while you are doing no contact.
My ex told me he reconnected with his ex before me and he might get back together with her. But he wanted to check on me sometimes. He needed a week to think who he will choose. I blocked his phone #. He emailed me after 4 hours I blocked him asked me if I will reconsider him and he loves me. It took me 2 days to respond. I said something sweet and said we need to meet up in person next week. If you can't do it, I will block your email. And you can never reach out to me. I think he had been with his ex for a month now. He might just put me on side. Now how should I implement this NC rule?
Hey Jen,
If he has not replied to your email for a month, then you should let him go. Ultimatums are dangerous because if you don't go through with them, your ex will lose respect for you. And if you do go through with them, well, you can't pursue your ex anymore.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks so much for your response. Yes I gave his Ultimatums. Last Saturday I sent this email and said if you couldn't meet me next week, I would block your email and everything and you could never reach out to me.....he hasn't responded yet. After I blocked his phone # for 4 hours last Thursday, he emailed me and asked me if I will reconsider him and he loves me. I sent this Ultimatums email on Saturday. If he loves me as he said, why hasn't he responded yet? What should I do now ? I really want to get him back. I love him but I never told him before in our relationship for 6 months. I didn't treat him well during a certain period. But I realized how much I like him at the end. What should I do ? Should I just let him go if he won't reply for a week like I said in the email?
Hey Kevin,
I would like to ask you for and advise. I spoke to my boyfriend over phone and he said that he feels that if he doesn´t see the long term perspective in the relationship then it is not fair to continue. We spoke about it couple of times and he always said that i´m the right one for him right now and just doesn´t think about the future like that. But now he came with this. Thinking that he´s stopping me form meeting someone who i could plan the future with. He was very kind and i know it wasn´t easy for him. I know he would like to see me because he asked me to visite him for a weekend. I was very heart broken because we always find a way. So i told that it´s not a good idea spending all weekend together in his flat. Today i wrote hime that i know he didn´t mean to hurt me and asked him if he is really sure he wants to breakeup because of the future we don´t know. (I asked because he didn´t say the final word, always saying he thinks, he feels) He has not replied yet. It makes me wonder if he is sure about that. Anyway, i would like to hear your opinion and advise on what to do. I would like to be with him and i know that it does not always work out but I still would like to do my best for getting our relationship on a right path.
Thank you Kevin
Bára
Hey,
If your ex is sure about not wanting a future, and you are sure you want a future with him, then you should suggest to take a short break of a week or two. Tell him that you can both think more clearly if you are not speaking to each other and he can figure out if he truly wants you. You should not do total no contact unless he has completely broken up with you.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me less than a week ago and he's already seeing someone new I'm pretty sure this is just a rebound but Will this still work?
It might. If you think he is worth it, you should try.
Hey Kevin, 12 days ago my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years dumped me.
We used to have an amazing, loving, intimate, relationship. We were in love. Then about 8 months ago we started a downward spiral. I was so ignorant. We got in little arguments that would turn into bigger problems we couldn't understand each other because both of us had never been in a long term relationship like this before and we had no idea how to communicate to get through this rough patch in our relationship. We covered up problems, lied to ourselves that it would get better by doing nothing and in the process lost trust. We became emotionally disconnected. She was the one holding it together and I was too stupid to see it. She got tired of it.
In the last 8 months our sex life was a roller coaster. Sometimes we had amazing intimate sex that would last a while. Other times it was once every other week chore for her and we both didn't even really want to do it. We almost completely stopped doing fun things together and she got bored. I could feel her pulling away and I got jealous and super needy. She got even more disconnected and was falling out of love and I was fearful. We got in stupid arguments over stupid stuff and she dealt with it by not wanting to talk about her feelings at all. I saw it coming.
After one of our classes at college together she dumped me. I told her I understand. After the break up we hugged, I held her while she cried, she kissed me and we told eachother we love eachother. Two days after the breakup I gave her a handwritten letter telling her how I know why it fell apart and that I accept the breakup and that I was sorry for hurting her. The same day I messaged her at 3 am on FB trying to reconcile with her. It didn't work obviously. She wanted to be left alone, she didn't want to be my "love", she was very hurt and emotional. She told me she was lost right now. She told me she can't go back and that I need to move on and that she is too.
I was very hurt and upset for the next 10 days, it was hell. I had never faced this kind of pain in my life. The person I love slipped away and I would give my arms and legs if it meant I could be with her and share a life full of love and passion with her.
Since then I have been working on myself, self reflecting, eating right, doing meditation, being with friends and trying everyday. The problem is that I want her back in my life. Not because something is missing. I want to share my wealth with her. I want to use this to learn. She is a mirror for me to grow.
I want to go no contact with her but we have (4) classes together and 2 more weeks of school in college before the semester ends. I've interacted with her in some way about 10 out of the 12 days since the break up. Some initiated by me, some by her, some positive, some negative. She is friendly with me still and tries to talk to me in some of our classes. So would I still be able to have the effect of no contact after the semester or am I screwed? Any input is appreciated. I need some help Kevin..
Thank you.
-Marcus.
Hey,
Yes, you can start full no contact after the semester and you will still have a chance of getting her back.
My GF of one year moved out saying she's unhappy and gave me hints. Starting today I am starting the no contact. She hasn't answered much or not at all. But she still has some things at the house she hasn't picked up. And she has asked me if she could get it but never came. Is she possibly leaving it here to give her self a reason to come back down the road? Or should I contact her to come get the rest if her stuff.
Don't read into why she left the things. there could be a million reasons for that. Just follow the plan. Don't contact her to come get the stuff.
Hello,
So he broke up with me 3 days ago and the only reason was because he said he can't handle my depression and told me to get help. Now the problem is i did the exact thing I shouldn't do, and created a huge drama and was so needy and desperate.. but after that I haven't contacted him. His parting words were "I'm here if you need me" so i feel like he said that to make himself sound so in control also he made it sound like I'm a bit crazy. And also, complained that i lashed out and became moody the weekend before making it sound like i have anger issues even though i DO NOT at all and we have NEVER had a fight before. I'm 19 he is 20. He even said we're perfect for each other but just doesn't like the fact i never talked to him about how i was or felt etc. I want him back so bad especially because i feel the reason wasn't good enough because I'm planning to get help for my depression. He is going to a different country in 24 days to see family for the entire summer until October. What should i do? Should i not contact him until he's back in October or should I contact him tight before he leaves? Any advice would be a great help. I've been reading through your website and i find it so interesting thank you.
Hey Sarah,
Contact him when he returns.
Hello Kevin,
I am 22 and so is my ex. we were together for two years and everything was amazing, we seemed to get on great and he seemed to really love me and he used to talk about getting married and having kids and everything. He used to tell me how I was the one for him and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, however about five months ago he moved away for work and we only managed to see each other once since for two weeks. He is having a really good time and as time passed he seemed to be less and less interested in me and I became increasingly clingy because I was so scared he was slipping away, so I decided to move out there to be with him. At first, he was really excited about it but it has taken about three months to work everything out and he became uninterested again and broke up with me about five days ago but I am supposed to be flying out in two weeks. I am moving my entire life to be with him and now he is totally uninterested in me. He says he still wants to be friends and that he will help me find somewhere to live, and we are still talking but I just don't know what to do. I know he must still care about me because he took so long to actually decide to break up with me and he kept changing his mind about us. He has really hurt me when he was being so indecisive he would shower me with affection one minute and ignore me the next. should I completely ignore him when I get there and try and work things out with finding somewhere to live on my own? I have social anxiety and its quite a big deal moving all that way and he is literally the only person I will know there. I am just really worried about what will happen if things don't work out and how I will cope if I don't make any new friends.
Hey Lily,
You can tell him that you need some space from him and you won't be speaking to him when you move there. You can ask him for advice but in my opinion, you can find resources online for any information you need. You can also use websites like meetup to make new friends in the town.
Hey Kevin,
I did post mine but I think it got deleted?but I will type it all again,
Basically me and my ex were engaged and we were together for a year, few weeks back he was meant to come to mine but he couldn't come cause of my mum and me wasn't well cause we always pick him up as he has a learning disability and when my mum said we couldn't come he was fine but when he message me I asked what's wrong? He got all moody at me and we had a fight then he said no more calls, no more Skype, no conversation, he block me and my mum and I brought him flowers to say sorry to him his family wouldn't open the door so we gave them to his next door. I was so upset I wanted help so I message one of family member and he unblock me saying "please don't contact my family or friends otherwise I call the police" then he said "I do not want to see you again" I break down so hard and hard so much! I really miss him and I really want me and him to sort this out as this is him being childish all becausehe couldn't come and see me …. What do you think I should do? I mean we were so happy now this happens :(
Hey Libby,
If the breakup seems like it's coming from nowhere, then there is a good chance your ex is hiding something. Nevertheless, you should do no contact and if you still want him back after a couple of months, then try contacting him again.
Hello,
I Did All Mistakes That described above :)
is there still possible to get my ex back ? (LDR)
Thank you
Yes, follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me a week ago today, however when he ended it with me he didn't give me any reasons for it besides saying that he was unhappy. I treated him really well, we were so happy and in love. However he hasn't tried to contact me at all, so I haven't been contacting him either. Should I try the no contact rule even if he's ignoring me and may not ever speak to me again?
Yes, you should.
I have recently started no contact and she has messaged me every day since (this is only day 3). She seems quite angry now that I am totally ignoring her. How long do I leave it before I let her know I want space and time to clear my head?
I feel quite bad now for ignoring her. I'm trying to work everything out and better myself but everytime she gets in touch I feel like I'm going back to square one and she is right back in my thoughts. Thanks.
Hey,
Don't totally ignore her. Tell her that you can't speak to her because you need some space and time to heal.
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me after a 4 months relationship. We got along really well, shared similar interests but he said he was not looking for anything long term since he just got out of a 6 years relationship. We still send each other a text or two a day and it's so confusing because I can't tell if he is still into me. We bumped into each other at the gym and he was very nice go me and helped me with my weights just like when we were dating. What does this mean??
It doesn't mean anything. If you want him back, do no contact for a while and try again.
Hi.
I tried doing the no contact. But i think it didn't end well. Hebkept texting me, but when the time comes that I texted him, it's as if hebis not interested anymore. He broke up.with me because he said I was insecure and i am always complaining. But that is not true. On the day of our breakup we had a really huge fight and there he ended things with me. It has been 3 months. We had casual talk befire, I told him to never had another girl so fast and he said he won't do any serious relationship now for he has to focus on his career, one of the reasons why we grow apart is his career. It has been 3 months. Last time I was drunk I texted him that he will mever hear from me again since he is pushing me away so many times. He said that I should hate him as long as I want to if that will help me move on and that he is sorry things did't work for us. I heard he is already dating another girl. Is there a chance for us. Is nc still applicable cause i feel i messed up the last time. :(
Yes, there is a chance for you. Follow the plan. Don't break no contact just because he starts texting you.
Hey
Will the no contact rule work if my ex has blocked me from his phone? we were together a year and a half but he says the relationship isn't going anywhere! I know I want it to work but we've broke up so many times over the same thing I think he's just had enough. I've been so need for the 2 days after the break up then he blocked me?
Any advice would be appreciated as I feel im going out of my mind x
Yes, there is a good chance it will work. You should do it.
Hello,
I used to live with my bf for 2 years. 6 months ago he told me he has doubts about our relationship and that he feels not ready for commitment. I managed to convince him to try and that things could get better, but this thing wounded me and I started to be overemotional and needy. 1.5 months ago we have separated to try long distance (we went back to our parents, in different countries) and about 2 weeks ago, after I had asked when we could meet, he told me he doesn't feel like seeing me yet, which upset me and I started a discussion with him which led to him being brutally honest with me and telling me that whatever he had lost is not coming back and that he's sorry and he cares for me but does not want to keep hurting me and if I tried I would understand. I had no contact since then (18 days now) and he didn't attempt to contact me either. I love him and I want him back. Please advise what I should do.
Hey Yannine,
I am sorry you are going through this. It'll be best to continue no contact and follow the plan in the article above.
Thanks Kevin, I'll continue doing that. But, in case he does not contact me in the next 2 weeks, should I contact him anyway? Or still let more time pass? I guess he feels sort of relieved that I'm not bugging him anymore since he admitted the last couple of months have been stressful. I hope that he will start missing me eventually.. There is not really a chance to bump into each other, so contact is all we have..
Hey,
You can contact him if you are ready to contact him. See the checklist above.
Hay Kevin,
I broke up with my ex for a week now. I was so needy and we ended up in a fight where i swore at her. She got mad at me and told me to backoff and leave her alone. i didnt contact her for 2 days and then i tried again. She was still mad at me and then blocked me from all means of communication. i tried called her on Saturday and she clearly told me to move on as shes moving on. She was drunk this time. I started no contact rite away. Three days after no contact she messaged me on Viber asking me aboout some stuff, i replied briefly and then she messaged me again on the next day. This time i could tell that all her anger has gone. What should i do? She still block me from all comms except Viber. Should i remain NC?
Hey River,
Yes, you should continue no contact. If she texts again, just tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup.
Hello.
My Boyfriend broke up with me after he realized that I cheat on him 3 times. The first one was emotional cheating by texting some other guy. The second one was physically leaving him to go with the other guy. This episode lasted 5 months and I kept going back and forth with him and the other guy. He was very hurt and was drinking and partying every single night. But he forgave me and accepted me anyway. The third time I made out with a Friend in a club and he found out about it. Now he completely lost his trust in me and is afraid to be hurt by me again. When he found out, he randomly threw hurting insults at me. One fine day, he blocked my number on his phone so I'm unable to contact him up till now. However, I bumped into him last night and he still doesn't want to talk about the issue. He kept brushing me off Ms acted like he didn't listen when I was talking. Please advise me on what to do to get him back.
Hey Marilyn,
If you keep on cheating on him, then there is some serious issue with you. Unless you accept that issue and try to find a solution for it, he will not have any reason to trust you again. I suggest getting therapy.
Hey Kevin, holy do I have a story for you let try and keep it short tho. My girlfriend of 2 years left me. We have a 1 year old daughter. My house isn't suitable for her and it can't be made sutible because I don't own it. so I go there every other night and watch her after work. My ex usually goes out or stays in her room, and I watch alyia downstairs. I broke all the rules lol and had many chances to be around more. I should have moved in, but i didn't and it annoyed her to have the baby all the time.. as for now, how do I do the no contact when she calls and texts about our daughter .. I can't ignor her, so do I seem distant? Friendly? I need your help :(
Answer her when she calls or texts about your daughter. Read this article for more.
Hello Kelvin,
me and my ex girlfriend are close to each other, we chat on social networks everyday, sometimes we call to check up on each other, and she visits me also . I such case, how do I go about no contact?.
Tell her that you need some space and time.
Hi Kevin. Me and my ex see each other on a weekly basis due to having a child together and being involved in her life. My question is during the no contact period is it ok to bring a female friend to an event ( like a child's sporting event)? She has and I was wondering what would be the best option?
Hey Chris,
If you think your ex will think of it as you being disrespectful, then you shouldn't do it. If the female is friend is important to you and is just a friend, you should speak to your ex about this before bringing her to an event.
Hey
My ex girlfriend broke up with me about 4 days ago because i ran away from my house for about 4 days. Her dad is also dying from cancer, he only has about 3 months to live and i really wanna be there for her and help her when he passes away. i cant really do the no contact thing because we have a class together and we're partners for this project that we are doing for the rest of the year. what should i do? and also what would happen if she also read this article and we both do the no contact thing?
Thank you in advance- Philip
Hey Phillip,
Do the project together but keep your distance and only speak to her when necessary. Be a little distant for a couple of weeks and try apologizing to her and tell her you want to be there for her as a friend.
Hi Kevin,
So this is a tough one, I'm a 30 year old female and my ex is 32 years old.
We dated for close to 3 months, during this time I've been going through a divorce and he was there for me. Our relationship quickly evolved and we exchanged I love you's and he talked about marriage, children, a future. We were extremely happy and in love.
Unfortunately during this time, his sister was contacted by an anonymous number and told her brother was dating a "married" woman, mind you he comes from a very Christian family. In addition the messages implied I was a whore who was using him for sex and also encouraged his sister to "talk to her brother, save his life & future". Obviously after receiving that message he was extremely concerned, yet we decided to ignore it and continue with our relationship.
About 2 weeks later he then received a message from an anonymous number implying I was a cheater, was still sleeping with my husband and accused me of physically abusing my husband, the message warned he leave the relationship. Again, we tried to work past this.
A month or so went by, text free, but from time to time we would end up having a silly argument in which he'd bring up these texts and tell me he was under a lot of stress from them, it was hard to forget them and he felt threatened by them. About a week ago, he broke down crying on the phone and said he was overwhelmed, stressed, scared, unable to eat, etc. He asked for space and I of course failed to give it to him, I'd text and he'd be short, I also ended up driving to his house uninvited, where he reiterated to me that he needed space but I continued to call/text and essentially kept bugging him asking if the relationship was over, to where his replies were always somewhere along the lines of "I need time to be by myself".
Last week I received a message from him saying these anonymous texts started again and he and his family were being threatened, he wouldn't tell me what they said, but he asked me if I was pregnant and then made a comment implying how convinient the timing was for them to come through. Today I get another text asking me to tell him everything I know about these messages and if I had anything to do with them as he's going to the police, I let him know I didn't have anything to do with them.
I asked him if he still loved me and he said he did, but the messages had gone too far, then again I asked if the relationship was over and was met with this response:
I've taken matters into my own hands. Please let me try to be in peace. Like I said these messages have gone way too far. It is because of them I must move on or try to. You should have done something to stop them months ago. All I wanted was time and it's come to this.
After receiving this message, I text him back about 4 times and essentially begged for a second chance and reassured him I had no involvement and would do anything to help and protect him, he never replied after that.
Is it too late?
Hi Ro,
Do you know someone who could be sending these text messages? You should contact the police regarding this. I recommend you apologize to him and tell him that you were wrong for not giving him space. Ask him to contact the police regarding the text messages and if you should contact them. Do no contact after that and follow the plan.
Hey kavin..
I just broke up with my girlfriend 3 days ago its so painful .. We were together for almost 3 years .. We were best friends and lovers ( btw im a girl also) she loved me to death.. She left all her friends just to be with me although i didnt ask her to do so but she was like ur my friend my love my everything etc.. But now she started getting back her old life and friends .. She told me she still loves me and want me in her life but as friends because she wants freedom and she cant live without me.. I actually cant be friends with her after want we been through.. I want her back as gf!!! I can right? Btw we work together but different departments ... Helpp meeeeee
Hey May,
Follow the article. Do no contact before trying again. If it doesn't work, let her know honestly that you can't be friends and you need to move on.
Hi Kevin
So I broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago. I broke up because he didn't treat me right. My friends told my many times before we broke up that he wasn't good for me. But I really loved him and I still do. I have always seen the positive things about him. And yeah he hurt me a few times but not like this one time. I still want to be with him but I was too hurt to call him my boyfriend so I ended it. I'm still heartbroken and don't know what to do with my life. A part of me feels bad and awful for breaking up with him because I know I hurt him a lot. I feel evil and mean for not giving him time to apologise. I feel like its all my fault and I should make it up to him again. The only thing I want right now is to get him back. We had like this special connection and we were both very honest with each other.
We are teenagers and very young and I know that I should just live my life but I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what to do without him. He was such a big part of my life.
So that was my story. Here is my question: is the "no contact" thing still the right thing to do? We are still friends but I feel like if I don't keep in touch with him he will forget about me.
What should I do?
Hey Amanda,
If you don't keep in touch, he will not forget about you. In fact, the best thing you can do for him right now is to not keep in touch. By giving each other space, you will both realize if your love is truly special and whether or not you should get back together.
Thank you, Kevin. I will do that and hopefully get a nice result.
Hi.. I've been seeing this guy for almost a year and a half. We weren't exclusive, but we spent a ton of time together/vacationed together/etc.
Anyway, he came to my house this passed Sunday while I was sleeping and went through my phone. I texted a guy the day before because I was bored.. (the guy I was seeing was ghosting me for 2 days - VERY unlike him). So I ended up hanging out with the guy for a couple hours.
Shouldn't be a big deal right? Wrong.
He left. Didn't wake me up or anything. He texted me going off & said he's not messing with me anymore. Says we had a "mutual agreement."
After Sunday, I began no contact. He hasn't contacted me & I haven't reached out to him. He watches my snapchat story though. Like he will watch half of them & not watch the others. He's done that 2 days in a row.
(I want him to know that I have a life outside of him & that I'm not miserable. I use snapchat to do so).
Anyway, what should I do? Is this relationship even salvageable? I don't want to waste much more time on this guy if it's not worth it. I'm completely heartbroken & I have been holding it in for 5 days now..
Thanks in advance. Your advice has been great thus far. ?
Hey Teresa,
If you were not exclusive, then it shouldn't have been a big deal for him. However, his actions kind of show that he was developing feelings for you and he may have wanted something exclusive. I think you should speak to him honestly about your feelings and let him know that he is important to you and you want a relationship with him. If he refuses, then follow this plan.
After 5 months of dating, where I supported him through his divorce and court case, I asked him if he loved me and he said no he didn't. I said I need time to think about whether I wanted to continue sleeping with a man who doesn't love me and he dumped me!! Said he does not love anyone and is no where near ready for a commitment.
Hi Rachel,
He was honest about what he wants and expects. Being emotionally ready for a commitment after a divorce is a big step and it might take him a lot more than 30 days to reach there. In my opinion, the relationship was much more important to you than him and there is a chance that he will ignore you when you try to contact him after no contact. If that happens, you can't do anything other than do indefinite no contact. I think you should do no contact for at least a couple of months before trying to contact him.
Thank you Kevin
What if your ex sent you a "closure email" and then blocked you from email? What if they completely ignore your email or text after 30 days NC ? How can you proceed then?
I would love to get emails every day
Hey Kevin,
So I (23 Y/o) have just come out of a relationship with my boyfriend (21 turning 22) of 6 months we had known each other for 3 years before that and were friendly. He actually initiated our relationship after he liked me for 3 years on and off. I know it was a short relationship but we were extremely close, he practically lived with me while we were finishing uni, we turned into best friends and we wanted to experience new things together. So last week after months of telling me to move in with him after uni, to attend his cousins wedding, to meet the family (which I did on numerous occasions) for him to meet mine, to be put on his car insurance he told me he wanted to break up because he didn’t want to commit and knew I wanted a long term relationship. It also turns out that he thinks he might like some girl from work because she makes him happy and is fun to be around and is a good cook and we had been arguing recently as I had been away for a week. He says he loves me and likes me more but says he thinks she doesn’t want a commitment either and he just wants to give it a try and see what happens, she is leaving to go back to Poland at the end of May but will return late August early September. He also says he sees a future with me but doesn’t want a future right now and therefore would like to try with her. This girl found out we broke up last week when he told her and over the weekend she broke up with her bf of 4 years. They are going to a horse racing event alone something that really hits home since that was our first date and he told me he wouldn’t just go with anyone, he also spent 3 -4 hours driving to pick this girl up from the airport regularly since she is from Poland and goes home every other weekend. They work together and have begun spending a lot of time together. It really hurts because I was skeptical of getting with him and he showed me throughout how I shouldn’t be but now I feel like I never really knew him. Help, I know I am young and everyone says I have my whole life ahead of me but I don’t see why that matters. What should I do?
Hey Tanisha,
I am sorry you are going through this breakup. Your boyfriend is stringing you along as he is going around and exploring his option. Everything he said implies that he wants you to wait for him while he goes around with that other girl. He is young and is not ready to commit. He does have strong feelings for you but that didn't stop him from breaking your heart. I recommend you do two months no contact and follow the plan. If after two months of no contact, you still want him back, reach out to him. If he is still not done with his exploration, you should move on.
Hi kevin,
I know this girl from last three year and we were best friends and from last 4 months we were into a relationship.
She broked up with me 10 days ago saying that her family is looking for a guy to get married.i talked to her about what i feel for her but she said she cant take her chance and cant convince her family so after that i didn't called her again but she now calls me sometime and says that she is confused for this new guy.we are still friends so i helped her with this problem but deep inside i still want her.
I am helpless please suggest what should i do?
Please help me with this situation.
Thanks
Hey Henry,
Situations like this rarely work in your favor. I recommend that you stop being her friend and cut her off from your life.
hello kevin,
you have given so many ideas which is very helpful for everyone.....this article shows your kindness about those people who loss their mind during this break up and helpless period.
but my condition is lil bit different.please give some suggestion.........i was in relationship for 7 years. during this period he broke up for 3 times just because of his parents...because they are very strict and narrow minded.now he thought he spoiled my life and want to go away from me for my happiness and wants that i should marry somewhere else.he is forward in caste and i am backward
tell me kevin what should i do?
i am not in contact with him for 20 days.
Hi Nidhi,
Continue no contact for another 10 days and reach out to him. If he still thinks like that, then there is a good chance he will not marry you because of caste differences. In that case, you should just do indefinite no contact and move on. I am sorry you are going through this and a 7 years relationship ended this way, but there is nothing much you can do here.
Unfortunately i have made all those mistakes in 1 month we separate at the point he told me he doesn't love me no more .just wondering if he mean it or have just read your advice before me.he is doing exactly what you asking to do.Does it mean he wants me back?he totally got me round his finger if his intention was to see me crawling.My worries are if i start feeling better with myself there is a way back cuz i wont forgive him for such a scar left me and i heal all by myself with his 7 month son.its impossible not being in contact in this situation or even ignore texts.Everytime i talk about myself and how i been doing all i get is jealousy and hate and we are not together .Im really confused not knowing if he loves madly me or totally hate me to see me well without him.Help
Hey Trish,
There is a good chance that he still loves you. You are right, after healing by yourself, you might not want him back and might even realize that you are better off without him. But you don't really have any other option. You've tried everything else. Now it's time to put yourself before him and your relationship and start loving yourself.
Hi Kevin,
It's been 20 days of no contact with my ex. She text me 3 times within that period. The first time she text me it was to let me know that her and our 13 year old daughter were going to go visit family. The last 2 times she asked me how am I and said something about the bills. It had been 16 days of no contact at this time. I only responded to the third text and kept it strictly about the bills.
Besides that one response about the bills it's been 20 days of no contact. In 12 days it will be 32 days of no contact, and it would be our 16 year anniversary. I'm wondering if I should contact her then if she doesn't first. The whole point was for us to have some space, work on ourselves, fix bad habits, and start new. Then all of a sudden she sends me a text about breaking it off for good.
I think she's still not ready to trust the positive changes I've made and continue to make. I've taken accountability for my flaws and I'm making efforts to improve. However, it seems she just wants to hold on to negative things. I know this comes from hurt. Hopefully time will heal some wounds. I just want my family back together again. Your insight would be much appreciated.
Hey Nj,
I am sorry you are going through this painful breakup. I think you should contact her when you are ready. You will have to be very patient and you can never push her to get back together. It has to be her idea. The only thing you can do is be consistent and show her that you are really capable of change.
Hii Kevin!! I'm soo in need of how to get my man back and its very painfull !! :(
Our relationship has been for 7 months and its after his ex broke up with him. I was there to help him , to take care of him and friendship ended up in a relationship when I confessed my love for him. Since he got the love and care he wanted , from me which his ex could not give. And now that his ex has come back and reminds him that he betrayed her when she was the one to breakup and he just eventually decided to move on with life with me . He blames himself for hurting her and told me he needs space . He is having his space now but I am afraid to lose him. I cannot just lose him at all. Though he did not tell me he broke up with me, he just asked for space . And I'm deadly obsessing about him since I love him so much and I just couldn't even think about letting him go. What do I do and How do I get him back? Pleasee help
Thankyou
Hi Sanjida,
There is nothing else you can do except give him space.
Ted, its already 1.5 month, and only now I understood that I was still needy..... isnt it too late to put no contact rule and expect for the best? Or did I fucked up everything? We had couple nice meetings during this period, but on the last one we had a bad conversation again...and I kept being needy for couple days again. Now I think I fucked u everything, or ?
Hey Ted,
If you want her back, you should give it a try. No one can say for sure if it's too late. The only way to find out is to actually try.
Hi Kevin,
Two years ago i broke up with my boyfriend. We didnt have contact for about a year. Suddenly he added me on facebook and we were started talking. He was asking about my 'then current boyfriend' and so so.
However, there was a event going on april first. We were both going. When i first told him that i was going he asked me if i was going alone, i said yes. Then i asked him, he said no, i will go with my best friend, he continued that i might not want to see him because his best friend tried to hit on me. That day i told him my feelings and that i still cared about him. He told me that he has not the same feelings, i accepted him and didnt contact him for two weeks.
After two weeks he sent me a message saying; hi are u still going to the event? If you do, do you want to come with us? Me, my best friend and two other friend. I replied; no i will go with a friend. He continued to say lets go together. The morning of the event he texted me asking if i was already gone.
At the event i didnt greet him, so he came to me and said why are u ignoring me? U look at me but u dont greet. So he hugged me. And stood next to me.
The next day i contactws him saying that he really confuses me. That i dont understand what he is trying to do and so. Since then i havent talked to him. Its been about 2 weeks. Should i still follow the rules? What do you think?
Hey,
If he has not replied to your latest message about what he is trying to do, you should follow the rules and do no contact.
Hey! We broke up because I lied about changing my selfish acts and it when really long than I actually want to do it. Can you help me because she keeps on ignoring me. I sent her a message after doing a no contact. I'm kinda nervous if she's ever gonna talk to me again. Please help me. I want her back. :( Pls help. Thank you
She's really mad also at me and idk what to do. will she ever talk to me? I'm kinda anxious because i really pissed her off and ended up breaking up with me :(
Hey Pat,
Instead of telling her that you've changed, you need to show her that you are serious about this. Getting therapy or joining a group therapy session will help you show her that you really mean it this time and will increase your chances of getting back together.
My girlfriend and I recently broke up about 2 weeks ago. We had dated for over two years. She moved down to me and didn't know anyone. She was dependent on me and there's only so much you can do when she's not 21 either. She felt trapped and moved out and started living with people she met. I was totally fine with that. Did it suck, yeah, but she seemed happier so I was all for it. So after the break up, I didn't contact her until she called me asking to meet up for lunch. I said sure and we had a great talk and had a really emotional, long hug (She was crying, not me). She said she really missed me and just needs to see I've changed. She said she sees I have changed a little, and just wants to see it last and stay changed forever. We had lunch the next day as well and we laughed about things and talked about the relationship. She said she wants us to work out, but still needs space. She said she wants us to work out, but isn't putting any effort into making it work out. I don't know what to do because we are going to my friends wedding together next week. Please help me figure out if she is still interested in our relationship.
Hey Nick,
I can bet you aren't the only one who needs to change if the relationship is to work. You should be clear about what needs to change in both you and her and lay your cards on the table. Tell her that if she wants it to work, then you both need to make some changes.
this answered my questions from start to finish, got more than I needed. God bless
My ex broke up with me on thanksgiving yet she acts like we're still together just in February she tells me to find someone else,and that I will never find anyone like her yet she calls me everyday all day I used to answer her just recently I stopped I asked her what were we she replied we aren't together and I told her we weren't friends either after that she has called my phone several times in a day even exceeding 15 unanswered calls then today she texted I miss you! I want to go to the beach what is that about
Hey Linda. Your ex is confused and doesn't know what she wants. Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she refuses, then tell her that you need time and space to deal with the breakup and start no contact.
I'm on day 6 of no contact today has been the first day she has not contacted me.,, how do I know how long to keep the no contact should I wait for her to send me a text stating she wants to get back together or just let it go a full 30
I know right now she is feeling overwhelmed I used to be at her availability always and now I haven't been
Hi Kevin i REALLY REALLY need help . I am currently feeling so hopeless and i want him back so badly… Heres the thing.. Me and him had been together for 6 months but as time passed he showed lesser sign of love and didnt take me as his priorities anymore… Thats when i suggested to break up. A week before the breakup he kept messeging me acting as if nothing happened , but i did not reply any of his texts . For the next 2 months we did not contact each others until that day he messeged me if im going to his college’s event . In the end i did go and he seemed to be doing so fine without me … He did not show any signs of missing me and seems to move on already… Even when i see tagged pictures of him on social media , he seemed to be happier without me… I cant tell if he was acting or he really prefers to be single… If so why would he invite me to his college’s event? (I dont think he was trying to revenge to make me feel bad because he is really not that type of person) After seeing him during the event , i instantly fell in love with him again and slowly recalled tons of good memories with him…Therefore i went ahead and whatsapp him after the event was over . He told me that he was better than ever and i admitted that i sounded desperate during that conversation . Throughout that entire week after that event i couldnt resist my urge and started a convo with him 3 times.(He never started the convo ) The 3rd time when i whatsapp him i asked if we could get back together , and he said no… (Reason was he wanted to be single and he was dealing with Alevels exam in 1 month time) I told him that i could wait and he asked me not to… After that we did not talk until now.(Its been 2 weeks) Sometimes he showed signs that he still likes me but sometimes it seems like he has completely moved on. I miss him badly… ? I hope you could give me some advices on this , even just a bit .. I need some guides on what to do next pleaseeeee i hope you read and reply to my comment ?
Hey,
It's good you started no contact. He is young and he wants to explore his options. He does has feelings for you but he doesn't want to get tied down yet. I don't recommend waiting for him. You should focus on moving on. I know you have strong feelings for him and don't want to let go. If you want to give it another try, do no contact for another 2 months before contacting him. You should really make some positive changes in yourself before contacting him again. And I highly recommend you date other people to regain your self worth and confidence.
Hi Kevin,
My fiance broke up with me back in January. We still live together her and you can imagine how that is going. I have thought about all the questions you asked in. Your article and she is the one I want to be with and being with her makes me a better person. She was the one who ended things and I am at a loss with what to do. It's hard to give space since we live together still. Sometimes it seems like she wants to get back together but then at other times hides it with anger. I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship and have changed greatly even though we still live together. Do you have any suggestions or tips to help me put or what I should do next? We also have a 3 year old daughter together.
Hey Alex,
Is it possible for you to move out? If so, then you should move out temporarily. It will give both of you the much needed space and time. Only speak to her about your daughter and nothing personal. Work on yourself while you are away and try to figure out what caused the breakup. Moving out might be a scary move but it will help both of you understand how important you are to each other.
Hello Kevin
Around 4-5 days ago me and my girlfriend broke up as she was stressing out about school and her head is all over the place. She is said that it is not likely that that we'd be back together but she is unsure whether she loves me or not and she admits she regrets the argument. The argument happened because she did not communicate her feelings and failed to address problems which she told other people but not me. Now unfortunately I fallen into a trap of pleading and begging her to give me a chance to change however on the day I met her in person to sort things out (a week before she broke up with me) me and her did a few things (sexual) and on that day she always responded to I love you and insisted that she needs space and that she was not ready for a relationship. I am in my 4th day of not contacting her and I need to find out what my next steps are, one of them is going to the gym but that's about it. I would be happy if you could help me out.
kind regards
Jorge
Hello,
I love someone truly from 3 years and he loves me more than me.But starting of this year was very bad.He thinks I have another man in my life that's not true.I always use to spend wholw day talking with him.But he stop talking with me.His health is now not good because of these nonsense problema which is not true.Then I asked his friend to help me.But he was not good person.When my bf tell me about his friend's nature I stoped taking his help .And my bf start talking with me because he doesnt want me to get wrong again.But I dont know what happen my bf after 2,3 days started saying that you still with my friend.I thought may be his friend is lieing to him and I put his frend's pic on fb by saying that he has used many girls bla bla but that's true..And situation become more worst.Now what I have to do.I'm standing with truth but he is not believing.He is very disturbed now.He is not happy.
Hello my name is Motty and i broke up with my gf yesterday she blocked me in insta,fb,whatsapp,calls and message.After seeing this this i called her and asked why she did this and she said she is not intrested,i asked her the reason and she said she doesn't know kept on repeating the same thing and she said she doesn't like my character and our characters doesn't match .the main problem was a incident done ny me on a bus as i was gonna kiss her,she felt very insecure and left it from that time she used to get a lot of strain, afraid of me and thinks that i like her body instead of her.Yesterday i called her and the above thing happened,he has a Brother and he called me and said you touched her and said i need to see you in a angry mode.i didnt see her in that way but dont know
What happened to her she used to love me so much and we hav plans of future..i need her would you suggest an idea.
Hey Kevin !
Thank you very much for you daily emails, i have a problem with my ex, he broke up with me when i was 2 months, i tried with the no contact rules as from 03 March 2017 but it seems as it will not work as we are having a child, and i am very far to get the EBP Advance book
I am currently on day 36 of no contact from a long relationship. I have not heard from my ex girlfriend at all during this time. How much longer should I do no contact, and what should I say to her?
Hi Kevin,
I would love some advice please. Apologies for the length in advance.
We met a year ago whilst I was on vacation in Germany. I live in London. I'm 31 and he's 6 years younger than me. We managed to see each other once a month (3-5 days at a time). He struggled with the distance more than I did but we had pretty intense feelings for one another and tried to make it work - talked every morning and every night between visits. These were new feelings for both of us.
He cheated on me about 5 months ago and called to tell me the very next morning because he didn't want to lie to me. The guilt was killing him and it meant nothing etc and the entire experience had only reaffirmed for him how much I meant to him and he now felt stable about us and comfortable for our futures to be intertwined in a permanent way (whereas before he was uncertain about us working). We went on an amazing vacation straight after this, after some time I forgave him and our relationship grew stronger. Or so I thought.
Last month he flew halfway across the world to my family home in Southern Africa where he met my mother (only guy that ever has) and we had a wonderful 2 weeks together where I felt we grew so much closer and there were random comments about marriage and kids he made throughout that made me feel certain that this was the person for me. Then, just over a month ago, out of the blue (though there had been a few days prior where he was behaving strangely and not calling/texting me the way he normally would, but I chalked it up to his brother having just moved across the world from Syria to live with him so I wanted to give them space) he called to say he couldn't do a LDR anymore. That so much of our relationship has been consigned to the phone and that being apart from me was proving to be too difficult for him, that he wanted to wake up next to me like a "normal" couple. We had had issues with the distance aspect of our relationship before, but our love seemed to get us through those moments. We spoke another 2 times that week where I came to a slightly better understanding of what the real issue is:
He's still a student (originally from Syria) and his financial situation is proving to be very difficult for him so he's considering moving back home (which is nuts and I've adamantly warned him is not a good idea). Even if he does opt to stay in Germany, he hasn't progressed academically and he doesn't want me to wait for him to get his life together (we had, once or twice, briefly discussed settling down together, marriage etc once he graduates). His older brother moving to live with him in Germany is what stemmed this entire thing because the day he arrived they had a massive bust up with his brother shouting at him about what he's doing with his life etc. His brother was supposed to come with my ex's university transcripts but because of the war, the records appear to have been lost which means he'll have to start his degree from scratch rather than just completing his final year. This adds more time on us being in a long distance relationship and also prolongs the time we would have to wait before getting married etc. I said I'd consider moving to Germany because I'm in between jobs at the moment and no longer want to live in London, but he said no - didn't want for me to move to a country where I don't speak the language and would struggle to find a job and to do that just for him and that I would come to resent him.
He said that he needs to make these big life decisions without thinking of me, that this is a time when he needs to be selfish. I'm willing to wait until he gets his life together and graduates (whenever that may be) but he got angry with me and kept saying "how can you not even think about yourself?" (I believe that may age has a lot to do with this and he's conscious of potentially wasting my time) and that I should meet other people. He didn't sound like he was going to change his mind, I did a lot of crying and a little begging and he said goodbye. There was a finality about it though he said to call him if ever I need anything and we can be friends. I told him I didn't want to be friends.
That was just over 30 days ago and I read your article and have not been in touch with him at all since (except his best friend and roommate msgd and called me about 2 wks ago to check up on me and see if I was ok - I said I had a flight to catch the next morning and that I was fine. I was very brief and vague). I have not heard a word from him at all. Complete radio silence which has worried me a little. I have been working on myself to make improvements (been working out and feeling good about myself) and am currently still travelling around Africa visiting family while I figure out where I want to live etc (it would have, rather ironically, been the best time for me to spend some months in Germany to test the waters for a full time life there with him). Do you think I have a chance of getting him back? I don't even know if he's yet made a decision about moving back to Syria but we don't really have mutual friends so I have no way of finding out (he's not on Facebook so I only have whatsapp and viber as a means of communicating with him).
I guess what I'm struggling with is the first contact text message (can't send letter as I don't feel that would be appropriate) as to me my intentions would seem obvious if I were to reminisce about good times etc. Maybe this internal conflict suggests I'm not quite ready. I've gone through your checklist of things to have done before contacting your ex and I'm all there except that I'm not quite convinced about those endless opportunities to find love should this not work out. That it took me 30 years to find love for the first time, a genuinely meaningful and serious relationship makes me feel somewhat less than optimistic about what the world has to offer. I really feel like timing is all that is keeping us apart and though life will go on should this not work out, I'm not at all confident that I will experience another love like this. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.
Hey Kevin, Was seeing a guy but he only saw me as a booty call, he started losing interest. so I've back of completely. I reacted and acted needy and he was probably annoyed. I just don't want him to see me as a booty call anymore and more as girlfriend material. I'm worried he won't come back, because he won't speak to me at the moment. Maybe you could give some handful advice.
Hi Shaz,
If he never developed feelings for you and only saw you as a booty call, it's unlikely his feelings for you will change. I think the best you can do is stop contacting him and focus on yourself. If you want to avoid a situation like this in the future, you should always take things slow when starting out with a new love interest.
Hi Kevin,
I have a specific question related to the "no contact" period.
My ex broke up with me two weeks ago, after dating for a little over a year. She claimed that, while she does love me, she does not see me in her future. Heartbroken, I managed a couple of days with no contact, but then slipped into the routine of social media stalking and constantly pestering her with needy and pitiful text messages. I came across your plan, and I am very motivated to stop the messaging, officially start "no contact", and continue with the other steps.
I have one big issue. We are both in college, and both heavily involved in a very active on-campus organization (she is President, I am Past President--and therefore technically her "advisor"). In this organization, we have officer meetings (10 people total) every other week, plus additional events that we have to host. I really have no clue how to handle "no contact" when I literally must be in professional contact with her for my remaining 3 months in the organization.
I'd really appreciate your insight, Kevin. Thank you for helping me get my girl back.
-Luke
Hey Luke,
Read this article.
Thanks Kevin! That article is great. I read it twice over to make sure I didn't miss anything.
One additional question: I recently performed a very substantial wardrobe change (a much more modern look), because I saw that you recommended it, and it has indeed made me feel much better.
I'm just worried that when my ex sees me again (I have a professional meeting to attend with her just one week after I started No Contact) I will appear as though I am seeking attention, and therefore needy. My new clothing is quite different that my old style, so it will definitely be noticeable.
Thanks,
Luke
Hey Luke,
Don't worry about it. Even if she thinks like that, it will not affect your chances of getting her back as long as you don't act like you need attention or her approval. Just treat her like you would treat any person you are in good terms with without getting too friendly.
Hi Kevin. Two days ago i broke up with my girlfriend, she wanted so and we broke up. She loves me but she doesn't want me to know that, she thinks that i'm better without her because she always hurted me in the past with her attitude, with her ignorance. Iread all your article but i have a problem with the no-contact thing...I'm in highschool and i'm in the same class with her everyday! Can you please tell me what should i do in ma case? thank u
Hi,
Just follow the 5 step plan.
I am currently going thru a some what you called "breakup". I was basically chasing and after i got him, we were dating but a few days ago things wasn't as great and he said he doesn't want it anymore. He said that he wasn't ready for any commitments and doesn't wants to fall in love again and he just don't want to date anyone or see anyone anymore. I still love him so bad, and i am currently so confused. Please advice me on what to do. I do still text/call him sometime when i miss him and we see each other at work if we are working on the same shifts.
Hi Aubry,
Follow the 5 step plan.
Hi Kevin
This article is amazing and helped me a lot. Thank you so much for giving us those wise words.
I am now at that point with the handwrizten letter, she just got it last week. I followed your steps and wrote content just like you proposed. At the end of the letter I asked her, if she would go out with me.
The same day she texted me back and thanked for the kind letter and beautiful flowers I sent her and added, that she needs some more time to decide.
I replied, that I understand and she shall take as much time as she needed.
Its been a week now and I still have no reply from her and I am going crazy because I have no idea in which way she will decide.
Also I texted her yesterday wome empty messages (yup, my fault) and she just dont text back.
One more thing: I noticed, that she is less often online in whatsapp then she was before the handwritten letter.
How should interpret this?
Thank you so much in advance for your advice, how I should behave now and what could be going on on her mind.
Kind regards
Luca
Hi Kevin,
I need your help.
I was in a relation with a guy who is married now
He was playing a mind game with me till the time I didn't fall in love with me
He lied frauded cheated through out...he had physical relationship with many girls..he might be expecting the same in the absence of wife...luckily I was saved.
I now want to teach him a lesson...want him to be attracted towards me badly...as I am somewhere sure he will not be loyal to his wife too.
He played a very dirty game to drag my attention
I did do no contact and on & off when I call he 95%pick up my call
He has a very well experience of handling girl making the emotional fool
Please guide me as I really want him to be hunted the same way I am going thru
Thanking you in anticipation.
Hi Icha,
I am sorry you went through a terrible heartbreak and betrayal. But revenge is not going to make things better. If he lies, cheats and manipulates; he will eventually lose everyone close to him including his wife. You don't have to do anything for that to happen. Just don't contact him anymore and focus your time on healing and becoming happy.
Thanks Kevin,
I somewhere feel....he is loyal to his family so he will keep them happy and will be loyal to his wife too
But he needed to be taught a lesson by making him emotionally fool
I know this might not be a positive attitude from my end....but I badly feel to trap him in his tricks
Pls guide
Regards
Hi there! Great article, I absolutely loved it. Can I ask a question re the 30 days no contact. I'm about the days in and already I'm getting messages etc, presumably she's wondering why I'm not chasing still. However, we are still in the process of moving out of a shared house and so there is some need for discussion. What do I do? She texted to say as a courtesy she was letting me know she'll be home tonight to grab some stuff and what time in case I didn't want to see her. Sounds like fishing? Also that she has done my washing and folded it for me. Please help.
Daniel
Hi Dan,
Just tell her that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup. There is no harm in meeting her as long as you keep any conversation strictly to the point. Don't talk about anything personal and if she does, just tell her you are not ready to speak to her as a friend yet.
Hello. My boyfriend broke up with my June of 2016. We kind of rekindle things but never really got space like we should've and we ended it recently after the holidays. I still want to be with him and feel like when we first broke up I should've just let it happened. I feel like it ruined any chance of us working out. I still want to be with him. He is currently moving out. What should I do
You see, I myself am struggling with a breakup (not even an official relationship) but I'd suggest you to evaluate some things. Do you think he still isn't over you? And if you don't, do you want to take the risk and try to get him back? I believe you should first take it easy. Don't go after him but talk a little, casually and less than you usually would talk, then, start the No Contact rule. From the No Contact part on, you should follow the rest of the plan and it may work, I mean, you know your chances better than anyone else. Remember, by the end of the steps, despite the fact that there's always a chance that you might not get your ex back, you're supposed to be a better version of you who appreciates life even without their ex:)
Hi Kevin,
My girl friend and I have been in a 4 years relationship. In the last 7 months, things between us has been stagnant. Now she has her priorities changed and she wants to focus on her higher studies for her post graduation and not on this relationship. She broke up with me and she is happy and does not even miss me. She only talks to me as a friend now. Im just hurt and I miss her. I want her back and I would do anything to make our relationship work. Please help me
Hey Aaron,
Stop talking to her as a friend and follow the 5 Step Plan.
Hey Kevin email me I need to ask a question for you!
Hey Kavin. I have just broked up with my ex yesterday. But noy I am badly missing him. I made a mistake . I should not let him go. i just want him back in my life. i can't stay a minute without him. i am now feeling like dying.and I want to make him to miss me. Will you please help me?
Hey Nabila,
Follow the 5 step plan.
Hello could you,
Please email me I need some questions answered!
Hey Kevin,
I read your should you get back with your ex article. You said that if you don't have trust, honesty, and communication you should not get back together. I did not have those things in my relationship. However, I want to try and fix it, it was my fault we didn't have those components and I feel like besides that, we were good together. There was some cheating and lying on my part, and my ex is just done. I want to change. I want to give him the same thing he gave me. I want to have a better relationship with him and I feel it is fixable if I just get one more chance. What should I do ? I feel like this is someone I want to spend my life with. We were planning on moving in together and now it is nothing. I really wish I could take back the things I did. How do I fix it ?
Hey Jaici,
You should make some major changes in yourself and try to contact him again. But before you contact him, you should have already started working on whatever issues caused you to make the mistakes you made. Things like going to therapy, group therapy or a 12 step program is extremely helpful because it shows that you are serious about change. Once you have started on the path to change, contact him after a month of no contact with one of the methods mentioned in the article.
Hello Kevin,
It's been months since I last wrote on here. Well after my last post saying to give it one last chance I did give a chance but it didn't last. We broke up again and I left his house. This was right before Valentines day. So much has happened over these past months. But to be honest lately like these past weeks he's been on my mind like crazy and my feelings are going crazy too.
After the split we weren't really speaking he said he hated me for taking our daughter away I told him you did this by still doing your sh*t. Fast forward to like 2 months after I left I ended up getting a new job and again it so happened he stopped working when I started so anyways I kept trying to call and text him to confirm if he can watch our daughter while I worked but he wouldn't answer any of my calls and it was rare if he replied to my texts. Rewind actually to a week before I started working I had called his phone it was morning and a girl answered me I was thrown off and asked who's this? Guess who it was? None other than his ex which became his girlfriend again.
I told her to let me speak to him but she said he wasn't home and then I clicked on her I didn't even let her finish. Like 2 hours later he calls me back but I didn't answer I was mad. OK so the day I started working I called him when I got off but this time I called the house phone and he answerd and was shocked when he heard my voice so we spoke but then I forgot to tell him something so I called back but then she answered again so I clicked and called his cell and he didn't answer I called again and he ignored my call so then I texted him and I saw he read it so I called him again and then I didn't hear any ringing so I said hello and from a distance I heard her like she answered but meant to ignore my call or I don't know but I hear her say something and end it with b*tch.
So I got really mad and called back and they ignored my call so I text his phone but texting her basically I'm going off and then I messaged her on Facebook and we got into it but then I stopped replying. Like a week later after that he texts me saying "I swear she's out my life" I didn't believe him but that was months ago and he kept his word.
Things were ok between us as co-parents. So now in June we went to club event to see a DJ with some friends. We were inside and he disappeared for the rest of the night I left early with my friend because she had to go pick up her brother from the airport. I decided to leave because I started to feel sad so I had to get away. I left with her but the rest of our friends said we'd meet up at her house after the event was over. So me and her were talking and she asked if I thought my ex would go to the house I told her no and that I knew exactly what was gonna happen. I said he's gonna ask for me when they meet up to leave and they're gonna say I left and everyone is meeting up at your house and then he's gonna ask to get dropped off home.
She didn't think so but exactly what I said happened lol. So whatever we continued drinking and we end up sleeping over. His cousin which is my friend, she ended sleeping in our friends room and they had a spare room but one of the guys that had gone out with us took it and my ex's friends slept over too, one took the couch and the other took the other so me and my friend's brother were like ok so I guess pick a corner lol. My friend (his sister) then says she has an inflatable mattress and that we can use it so we ended up sleeping next to each other. Next to my ex's friends. We were talking and he asked if they would tell my ex I said I'm sure they are.
Now I knew there was a possibility of them telling him but I knew if they did my ex wasn't gonna say anything to me he was just gonna act mean to me and then get over it and have me guessing why he was being distant towards me or something. Well I was mistaken all that happened on friday/ Saturday morning so on Sunday I called him because our daughter wanted to speak to him. He ignored my call right away and texts me "?" And I reply saying you can't answer me? And sent him another one saying every time you start talking to some girl you start acting shady towards me. So then he replies saying if it's not about our daughter don't talk to me, talk to that one guy you had sex with in front of my friends. Then he sent another text saying I don't even care though I'm glad for you. I started laughing because I didn't expect him to snap at me I told him he was stupid that nothing happened I only slept next to him because I had no where else to sleep and that it didn't look like he didn't care but then I said but whatever I'm not gonna try to convince you you're gonna believe what you want.
I know what happened and that's all that matter. Nothing happened and his friends know that and he knows that. His friends then told my friend that they never said I had sex with him just that I slept next to him that that part he was adding on his own. Which I figured because he can be extra at times.
Month goes by without speaking because he's mad at me. He ended up getting over it and well a month ago I lost my job we were talking and well we've been cool he would talk to our daughter on the phone then he'd tell her to take care of me. We went to the zoo not so long ago and last week we were talking on the phone and he said that I don't have to be here at my house that I can go to his house to like live i didn't say anything I just changed the subject. But again he started ignoring me again. Well my texts messages because my calls he takes or if he misses one he calls me back. I feel like some girl is involved and that's what started having me go crazy.
To top it off I think it's this other girl I know and I'm cool with her. I feel like he's after her. I want to ask him but I'm scared of his answer. Kevin help. Why do you think I'm going crazy again?
Hi there,
I'm a first time writer.
I went through a break-up with my ex.
Followed your rules...
They appear to be working.
My ex suggested dinner. I gave it some time and responded by saying, "Maybe the four of us could go out?" As we use to double date a lot with her best friend and her boyfriend. I said that way it would be keeping it light and we wouldn't be the focus of the night.
Anyway, she's basically said she just wants it to be the two of us. I'm not so sure about this? I'd rather it was the four of us. What do you suggest?
I hope to hear from you.
Hey Scott,
If you have completed the no contact rule and you feel confident about it, then you should go. If you are not confident about it, tell her that you need some time and postpone it a week or two.
It's a good sign she wants to meet alone. As long as you don't do anything needy or desperate when you meet her, it'll probably work in your favor.
It worked. My ex dumped me with another. I was begging but wasn't worth. I disappeared for 2 months, during this period I was dating another and the day I was in the movies with my current baby she called saying she's been worried about me. And now she's been begging to be forgiven. Follow these rules on this website, give it at least 45 days. Good Luck.
Hey Kevin i post a comment nd i havent see any response nd also i already suscribed to your daily emails for NC help you think something is wrong?
Hey,
The comments here are heavily moderated and only very few of them are ever approved. I recommend you post on the message boards.
Hi Kevin. Really enjoyed reading your article.
I'm really confused about my girlfriend. Her mum doesn't approve of me, and that must have contributed to our breakup. Our relationship was strong for two and a half years, and I am quite sure she still loves me, even though she did kiss someone else before we broke up, I guess to help her out of the relationship. They are "friends" now, and still keep regular contact.
We've had sex after the breakup a couple of times and after about 5 weeks of torture I've finally decided to do the no contact. It's been about 6 days. She hasn't contacted me since, but always liked or commented my "happy" posts and other people's posts about me. She also comment (not directly to me) on posts where I've commented. I'm confused about her behaviour. Is she trying to tell me she doesn't care, or is she attention seeking? What is she thinking? And what should I do?
Hey Blake,
You are not really doing no contact if you are trying to decipher her actions on facebook. If you find yourself obsessing over her social media actions, then you should probably stay away from them for a while.
There could be many reasons for what she is doing. The most obvious will be that she is trying to get into your head. And I will say that she is doing this successfully.
Thanks Kevin!
So are you suggesting me to block her? I'm just so afraid that if I block her, she will just move on without trying to contact me again.
I really want her back.
Hey Kevin.
I agree with your article. And I'm in the stage of the contact part. However before reading this I have been texting with her. The last thing she said was this. ''All I ask is that you never come into the store if/when you find a new woman. Because I wont be able to control my reaction and emotions. And never come by my home and store"
I want more than anything to be with her but I also know even though is hard for me to accept that I need to give her at least 30 days. My question know is should I respond to her text? Should I say something like "I understand I'm sorry for causing you pain" I know it's not right but I also feel like saying absolutely nothing before I start this no contact rule. And well the place she works at is really close to my home, and I use to go there pretty frequently..
Hey David,
I don't think you need to send her any text for now. If she tries to contact you again, then tell her you need some space and time since the breakup has been hard on you.
hey there kevin i need some advice about getting my ex back. Well to sum it up we were talking a lot and it was long distance relationship (one hour with the train) but because of the distance we had to break up. The next day she called me crying saying that she didn't want to break up, so i took her back. We talked and then out of no were she started giving me short responses because of that i ignored her for three days in the hope she would act like she would. The last thing she said(crying) to me was "maybe this is a test from god and if we are meant to be then we will find each other again." and (we both said and meant this i hope) "you are the first i truly loved." When we broke up i was devastated but i didn't show it. I always kept thinking about and what could have been and sometimes I wonder how she is doing.
This was about one year ago and now i saw her instagram account and put in a follow request and she accepted it then I commented an emoji under her picture that hinted that she is beautiful but she didn't respond on anything. I mean she didn't comment back or message me or something. Then last night i had a dream about her and we were happy and I haven't been that happy in a longtime. When I woke I grabbed my phone and went on instagram that was the moment I saw she posted a new picture and that was when my heart started pounding very fast. I have been living a little bit dirty, I mean like dirty room, not shaving, not caring about my appearances but that day I cleaned my act up. I was thinking of messaging her tomorrow if I dreamt about her or if I got a clear sign. My mother came into room she comes by often talking or asking for help and then out of no were she asked me about that girl and said how is she doing? and are you two still talking but my mother didn't know her that wel she knew her name and they talked over the phone once because she thought I was a player and as proof that I was loyal I let her talk to my mother. So I don't know if I should message her or not because I keep thinking that she maybe moved on and isn't interested in me anymore. I don't want to cause her pain or trouble from an old wound but i truly love her and want her back in my live, she was the only who understands me even my family doesn't understand me that wel as her......
Hey,
If you think she is worth it, then you should follow the plan and contact her after no contact.
I would like do start off by saying that your article was really great and very inspiring. I really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, I don't believe that getting my ex back will work for me. We were friends for a few years and decided to start a relationship. We had a lot of arguing and fighting in it mostly about him and other women not necessarily dating now but just not respecting the relationship. Within those two years I've had 3 miscarriages after my third miscarriage he leaves Me 2 Days Later. I'll admit I broke every step you've stated. Anyhow,within a few days I see him with another woman after he said we could try do work things out but he felt confused.He wanted do work it out but a bigger part of him was telling him do let go.We argued that day on the 4th of this month about the woman and the miscarriage that I just had. He said some pretty foul and mean things And before i knew it we got into a really bad fight, he even made sure the girl was somewhere safe thinking that I might do something to her. it was then I realized how much he really must like her. He told me to forget everything that he said and that I would be able to move on to and that I could be sleeping with someone else just like him if I wasn't so focused on him.I can't even begin to explain the way that I felt without filling up this page. I've prayed and cried so much and the thought of it and how it ended makes me feel worse. But when i read that part of your article about knowing your ex about facebook,instagram, etc. I came to reality. I remember when i was with him he stayed in that stuff now since he's been seeing her he's never on it. And I couldn't even do the contact rule if I wanted to be changed his number and spends most of his time at her house. As I said it was a great article and I'm pretty sure it will help those whose relationship ended better than mines. Good luck and blessings to you all.
Hi !
My gf dumped me about 2 weeks ago. We had been together almost a year. Now she called me that that she has been thinking everything and want's to talk with me face to face. What should I do ?
My feelings are messed up and I don't know what to do or think.
Hey Jack,
Tell her that you need some space and time to think things through and regain your composure as the breakup has been hard for you. Tell her that you will contact her when you feel you can talk to her comfortably. And then start no contact.
Ok thank you!
How should I contact her after the no contact ? Should I follow your rules or should I write something and then read it to her face to face ?
Hey Jack,
I'd suggest you just text her after no contact using one of the methods mentioned in the article. If she still wants to meet up, she will bring it up.
Hello again and thank you for your advices! I just want to tell a bit more about my ex and our relationshin and what it meant to me so you can maby see the whole picture. She is a very religious person and music is her whole life while sports are my life and I'm not so religious. We were different yes, but for me it worked as a motivation. We learned so much from eachother all the time. When I had tough workout or workday and she was playing piano and singing it just comforted me and took all my stress away. We had strong connection because we came from so different backgrounds.
I have already realised what I did wrong in our relationship but it's so small compared what she did. We were out one night and she started to talk to other guy and ignored me entirely. Then she ofcourse got interested to that guy... And then she broke up with me. She is not with that other guy atm.
The thing is that I think she regrets what she did(I will see when I talk to her after the no contact), because there was alcohol included. All her friends told her not to break up but what hurts most is how good connection I had with her big family. Her mother texted me yesterday thanking me from everything and the time I spent with her daughter... It hurt.
My ex also got letter that she didn't got into school week before our breakup. She had hard time. Maby she just didnt know what was the difference between breakup and taking own time and space since this was her first real relationship....
Hey Kevin,
Your article is great. I broke up with my fiance a month back. I chased him, begged him to come back, tried everything to convince him that I am the one but nothing worked. So I am gonna follow all these steps now.
Just wanted to ask that 2 weeks after the breakup, while I was trying to convince my ex of getting back together, He confessed that he has found someone else. My intuition as well as the frequency with which he checks his whatsapp suggest that he misses me. We are in no contact since 2 weeks. I am afraid if i'll stay in this no contact period for long, he will get more closer to that girl. What do you think I should do?
When we were together, he was deeply in love with me. Will he come back? Will he miss me?
I think 2 weeks is very soon for it to be a real relationship. I am pretty sure it's a rebound and it will end eventually.
Hi Kevin!
I'm subscribed to your daily email system, and thanks a lot for those emails. They are my source of encouragement to keep moving on.
I implemented the NC for 2 weeks then broke it by calling him because I decided that I wanted to end this hopeless try. However when I heard his voice, although it was cold and distant, I knew that I want this man in my life, that we can have a great future together if we try again. The only problem is that I'm a perfectionist, so sometimes I pay too much attention to details, and he's having a lot of problems going on in his life right now, so he has decided that he wants to be alone. I know we're still in love, but I don't know if it's feasible at all that I have a chance to get him back into my life, although I know that's the thing I most want now. Note we're living in different countries. LDR is the real challenge. Can you give me some advice?
Hey Jenna,
I think you should do no contact again and try again. Give him time to sort out his life and use that time to work on yourself and whatever issues that may be affecting your relationships. LDR is going to be a challenge, but if you worked through it before, you can make it work again if you are both willing to compromise.
Also, the reason you felt that way after hearing his voice might be because you ended no contact too soon. Perhaps this time you won't feel the same way.
Hello Kevin,
I've commented before on the whole breakup situation. We are still living together and he is moving out soon. When we are around each other it's like we are still together and he tells me that the space will still be good but he does want to be with me. I feel like seeing him and being the way we have been is very confusing. Am I doing more damage than good by hanging out with him even though he is still scared to commit back to the relationship?
Thank you
I don't think these steps help in a situation when you have children.I have two boys 5and 7 years old.
Recently broke up after 12 year relationship.
He is unable to get a job and does not and never contributed towards our children.
Recently because he's a very good looking man he got a new girlfriend(with two boys) and basically threw our friendship away.I may nor talk or phone unless it's serious about the children.even though I have financially supported him for years. Came back today from a long trip with the kids a dangerous road not even a ' did you arrive alright?' No concern whatever....??? So I am ignoring him ....even if this weekend was his...no concern??
Hey Laura,
It's best to do limited contact. Only talk to him if it's about children. You can read more about no contact and how to do it in your situation on this page.
Hi. I'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. Well he did the breaking up but we still live together. He found an apt and will be moving out soon. During the time of living together I stay at my mothers but every now and then go back to get clothes and run into him. Every time I see him I pressure him in to reassuring me that we have a chance in the future. He told me he also thinks I'm the one. He just needs space. I recently called him a bunch of times and he ignored me and told me I'm being too much. Do you think I pushed him away for good?
Thank you
You can still get him back if you follow the plan. You didn't push him away for good.
Thank you Kevin. I definitely didn't push him away. Every time we run into each other he tells me how much he misses me. And he thinks we will be back together. He told me yesterday he is getting cold feet about moving out but I told him he should go, and that it will make us better. He tells me he believes everything will work out between us. The only thing that drives me crazy is how he doesn't text me or communicate with me that often. Sometimes I feel like he is sending mixed signals. We were together for 2.5 years. Thank you
Hi Jennifer,
The fact that he doesn't text you can be used to your advantage. It will help you do no contact, focus on yourself and get some perspective.
Thank you Kevin. I will try my best to just focus on myself. It's extremely hard but it's getting better. I just feel like he will start to like living on his own and not being with me but I know it's just my mind going all over the place.
Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago after being on a month long break. Would the 30 day no contact rule still apply to me? He broke up with me because he was unhappy that we fought too much, since then I have realized I never want to fight with him again. He told me he still loves me and is in love with me.. But is sure he doesn't want to be together "for now".. What does this mean? Also, we work together, how would the 30 day no contact rule work? He also texts me from time to time and I don't know how to initiate the no contact rule. I do love him and I still want to be with him, and I'm freaking out on how to go about doing so. Thank you for your help.
Hi R,
You can initiate no contact by telling him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while. As for the work thing, read this article.
Hello Kevin,
It's really hard to not have contact at work because he's always touching my hair, throwing me hand written notes, talking to me, etc. I don't know what to do because I do want to be with him but I know it's too soon to get back together.
Hey,
Just tell him that you need some space and time and you will appreciate it if he limits contact in office to only professional matters.
Hi ,
I and my gf broke up now it's 20 days I miss her . It's being hard for me . Her last words were that are I don't feel the same as earlier. I know it was my mistake to fight with her. She is really a very loving and caring person.
I need your help.
Follow the plan Dhiraj.
Hi Kevin.
My ex fiancé of 9 months broke up with my four Days ago. He's 24 and I am 25.
This could be classed as the third time.. He broke up with me for a month twice and got back with me.. This time it was for four days then left me again.
As you can tell, I'm a mess. He's been telling other girls he likes them and asking girls out.
He states he is 100% sure he doesn't want me anymore and all I've done over the last few days is call, text and beg!
He says he still loves me but simply can't be with me anymore.
I'd do anything to win him back as he didn't give the second chance any time!
Please help!!!! What can I do.
Hey Naomi,
Follow the plan and make sure you do no contact for at least a month. If you have broken up three times, then the relationship is probably broken.
Hi Alicia,
Your post must have been approved by now. The first time someone posts on the boards, it needs to be manually approved by me to avoid spam.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my (now) ex have known each other for over a year. We first began dating when he was going through a divorce. We mutually decided we needed time away from one another until he figured out his life. Even after this was established, he would continue to often message me and flirt. I decided I needed some space to think about things and that I only wanted to be his friend.
3 months ago we began dating after he reached out to me. He was so excited about the prospect of a relationship. Unfortunately our timing was strange as my schedule and health issues created stressful times where I wouldn't be in the mood for anything. I wasn't happy with me. He must have picked up on this as he broke up with me last week, saying I wasn't what he wanted because we were so off beat. He said he understands we will never date again because of his decision. He wants to be friends.
I only called him once to understand what went wrong and since have initiated the no contact rule. He texted me saying hi and asking me how I am doing. I have not responded.
My plan is to move onto a happier me! But I do want to know if you think there is perchance a way to rekindle the romance and the relationship once I'm in a better place. I'm not expecting, just curious to know.
Thank you!
--Sophie
Hi Sohpie,
I can't really say if there's a chance, but if you think he is worth it, then it's definitely worth giving a shot. Just because he said both of you will never date again doesn't necessarily mean he will stick to those words forever. Do no contact and get back in touch with him. Maybe it'll work out this time.
Kevin you rock man!
Hey Kevin,
I left a detailed message last night how long does it take for them to be accepted on this forum?
Thanks so very much Kevin Your informations, suggestions...helped me a lot...
Thanks once again
So... I was in the No Contact Period and I kinda fucked it up. Last Sunday I got drunk and send her a lot of texts saying how much I loved her and she got upset, what should I do?
Start no contact again and this time focus on your well being and improving yourself. And try to avoid getting drunk this time.
My wife and I are going through a divorce. She moved out with my 2 daughters this past Friday. We've been married 13 years, together 15. We recently moved to TN so she could be close to her family. My parents told me moving here she'd probably try to divorce me because she has her family here. Before moving here we were in a state without any family at all.
Well, 6 months after moving her she filed. I think it was planned like my parents said. She says that I only care about myself and I took her granted and stopped trying. We also had trust issues and some communication issues. She had an affair 9 years ago and while I forgave her, sometimes I still bring it up.
Since she's moved out this past Friday, I've been over her place to see the kids every night although we did get into an argument last night and I only stayed for about 10 minutes. I came upon this website today and I've broken a couple big rules, I've texted her everyday since she's left and I've begged/bargained with her to tell me what to do to get her back and fix things. She told me today "she doesn't think it can be fixed". I have no friends or family here. I'm not used to being alone. I know I have somethings to work on. I think she has a lot resentment built up against me. I don't know how to fix this or where to begin? Any advice or help?
My biggest fear is she'll try to get back with me simply because she can't afford to live on here own. I want her to want to come back because she loves me, not because of money.
Hi John,
I am sorry you are going through this hard time. I think you should start with giving her space and taking some space for yourself. Meanwhile, contact a lawyer and be prepared for the worst. Secondly, start doing things that make you feel better and will make you get back in touch with yourself. If it's a new place, you can go on websites like Meetup to find activities that interest you. You can also work on whatever issues you had during the relationship that lead to the breakup. You can learn and improve on whatever issues you may have had.
I wish you best, and if you want to check out a program that focuses on all the things I mentioned above (except the lawyer bit and being prepared for divorce stuff), please visit our products page.
Hi,
I have been broke up for 4 weeks now.. he finished with me, it was kind of a shock as we are best friends and so in love, just had a few ordinary arguments about daily life.(this is were we struggled to make up as we are both stubborn) . we moved in a bit too quick and I think it all got on top of him, and that he maybe had a commitment issue, he says he loves me he just doesn't want the fighting, obviously there's more too it, cause you fight through the hard times?? I have been that needy texter and asking for closure.. do you think there is any hope if I start the no contact now??
Yes, there is definitely hope. Just follow the plan. And meanwhile, work on your communication skills and learn how to fight (argue) effectively in a relationship. I highly recommend the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
So my ex told a mutual friend he's almost lost all feelings now and it's been 2 weeks into the no contact time. He said he doesn't want to be back with me because he doesn't feel like we are meant for each other even though we both have been changing for the better. And out mutual fiends just tell both of us to move on..do you think I still have a chance?
Hey Mary,
People go through a lot of phases during no contact. Even though he may feel like that he doesn't want to be with the "old you" anymore, his views might change when he sees the new you. I suggest following the plan and give it one last try before calling it quits.
I don't know how to show him I changed though we don't have much mutual friend just a few and it's trough business only. I just wanna talk to him and tell him to give me a chance to show him I changed but I'm waiting for the no contact period to be over and I hope it all goes over naturally not like well let's talk now haha and thank you!!
It'll be best to not obsess over how you will contact him just now. For now, concentrate on yourself. When the time comes, you will figure it out. Good luck!!
My boyfriend gave me the silent treatment for almost a week, he just texted me this morning with sexual excitement moment we have in our lives . I DID TEXT him back and said Yeah it was amazing but not everything i loved is good for me. He hasn't respond yet. how can i approach him what should i said when he text me again .
Hey,
Follow the 5 Step Plan.
Hey wassup ?so me and this girl I loved so freaking much broke up and after reading your advice and tips. I've gotten a little bit sad. Mostly when I was reading the "what not to do" list.... bc I realized I did everything I could possibly do wrong after we broke up ? and some how she is still texting me... I think your 30 day thing is crazy bc it seems long asf but imma try it bc ur the only advice I got left. So thx and I hope this works....?
Hi Kevin, I was very active in the boards when Dave first broke up with me. It was a year and half ago. I moved on, he moved on, and we both dated other people and tried to be happy.
I messaged him out of the blue one day because I missed him (not necessarily to get back with him, but to see if he missed me). We had been texting since March, catching up, flirting a lot. He asked me to visit a couple of times, so one day, I spontaneously visited him (he lives in LA and I live in SFO, and I am a flight attendant, so easy for me to travel). When we met, it was like nothing had changed. We were laughing, having fun. Anyway, I think I fucked up because we ended up sleeping together (I didn't mean to, but I also wanted to know if our spark was there and it was).
But anyway, even before I met him, he told me that even though he dated other people (had a one year relationship, where he realized he wasn't as into her), that he wasn't ready for marriage or moving-in with anyone. He is still dealing with his divorce where he felt he was emotionally abused and he was with her for ten years. So his scars are deep.
But my question is, do I still have a chance or is he just tagging me along just because he can? He tells me he loves me, but he's still not ready to make space in his heart for just me. He says he still needs time to heal. We have talked about being friends, but I feel like I keep falling for him.
Please tell me whether or not I have a chance? The last time wev texted, I told him that I needed to draw a line of friendship because he would talk about sex and other intimate things about us from this time we met and from before.
Thanks!
Thanks to your advice and relationship rewind, I got my ex-back FOR GOOD! The no contact period is as crucial as Kevin says. You'll know when it's the right time to contact him, don't hurry...
Invest in yourself, become a better person, don't hate (well maybe a bit is ok at first) just grow. And remember, if something doesn't come back to you, it was never really yours in the first place.
Oh boy, do I need help.
Quick back story: I was with my ex for just over a year (let's call him Darrin). He worshipped the ground I walked on. He treated me so well he was perfect to me. And I fudged up.
About a month into our relationship an ex asked me to see him and I spent the weekend with him (let's call him Michael) and hid it from Darrin. Bad move. I never told him I did so and I kept it from him our entire relationship, I felt horrible but he would always say if I ever cheated he would leave so I was scared to say something.
About six months into our relationship he told me he cheated on me with his neighbors ex (let's call her Lauren) and I was so upset I asked him to never talk to her again and he abided. I thought about telling him then that I had cheated but decided against it as I thought it would make things worse.
Everything was good from there on out.
I spent the night at Darrin's Friday and it was just like any other night, we joked and has a good time it was our typical weekend ritual.
Saturday morning he dropped the bomb on me that during my exam week (2 weeks ago) he hung out with an ex and they were on substances and they ended up doing stuff ( not sleeping together but related things). I was so pissed off I ended up spilling the beans about Michael and what happened over a year ago. Darrin lost it, he was freaking out and once he calmed down he said we both messed up, want to just not tell anyone and move forward from here ? I agreed.
Well apparently he decided to tell all his friends and they must have put a ton of input into our relationship because that night he broke up with me saying it was probably best if we just ended it.
I have been a mess ever since.
I went last night to go pick up my stuff and he already had it packed and was being very very cold to me, not the sweet loving boy that I knew him to be.
Of course, I acted needy and tried to beg for him to work it out with me
But his only focus was how angry he was that I lied and I "held Lauren over his head" which I don't think is true, I didn't talk about it much after it happened.
I was in a crazy state, I asked him if I could stay on his couch until i calmed down because i didnt feel safe to drive ( he lives about 40 mins away) and I was having anxiety attacks and he said no I can sleep in my car. He just wasn't being himself. Very distant. He said he wants to be my friend and he will always be here for me if I need him and he still loves me and this was painful for him but our relationship isn't healthy and we can't keep hurting each other. I agree with this statement, but I feel like we can start a clean slate and try again.
Is there a chance if I follow your steps or is it hopeless ?
Sneaky Sign No. 3: Push/Pull Behavior
He is exactly in this stage
I was the one who left him but i want him back i love him and i see that he is the only person i left him 2 years ago and i went in an another relation ,he as well and after i have finished and he as well by months we started talking and texting and going out together but he is always saying that i am a sister then few days he says that he loves me then a sister :( but never stop going out caring seeing my mum and when i stop talking he calls and asks why i didnt
We r both 24
Hi Kevin,
I first read your article 3 years ago(2013). That was when the break up happened. And your article helped me a lot back then! Thanks for that :)
I WILL TRY TO MAKE THIS AS SHORT AS I CAN.
I know it's tiring for you to read these lengthy sad comments.. But it's a good thing that you're doing here..people benefit from this.
2013-14 events :
So,back to me.I followed the no contact rule..SIX months.I think I did everything as you said, but instead of texting her, I just 'bumped' into her to surprise her. That didn't turn out well. (Dec 2013)
Later on a series of events happened which weren't really positive but also weren't that negative either.
She called me the next day after I bumped into her and asked me politely not to call her at her landline again or not to come see her near her house because people who knew her would see. ( our community is a bit conservative when it comes to this) but I think the real reason is, it's not easy to face each other in public after all that happened between us. The positive from this was she was pretty nice to me while on phone whereas a few months before that she barely gave a crap about me (acted like she didnt care at all).
Nothing happened for a few months after this..we dint contact each other..the main reason being she blocked me from social media right after we broke up. I was the one who blocked her first because I hated her then for breaking my heart..later on she copied my idea.When I unblocked her,.. She blocked me.. Been 3 years and I'm still blocked lol.
NOV 2014: Nearly almost 1.5 years (no contact during that time) after I 'bumped' into her, she texts me asking me to call her. I ignored her text. She texts me the next day also. finally, she calls me. She asks me whether I have any of the pictures of us with me, If so I should delete them. But I think she just said that as a reason for her to talk to me. I said okay,I will delete. Then she tells me she's with someone now and I said okay. She asks me about my status and I said Im still single. She hangs up the phone. Calls me again after 5 mins. Tells me that she lied, she is still single. And this repeated for another 3-4 times. Then I thought maybe she wants to get back together.. Even I wanted to, so I told her..we can be friends if you want to and she said no! We should stay "blocked" I was like WtF! That is the moment when I lost all my will. I was moving on from her..she calls me again and comes into my life again.not really.
I tried to forget about all this and moved on with my life.
DEC 2014: HER BIRTHDAY MONTH.
I decided to wish her.. What could possible go wrong right? And I wished her.
Her dad calls me in return. I think I wished her in old mobile number which her dad was using then. I didn't knew that! She didn't tell me about that either.
He calls me and scolds me about how good a student she is,do not disturb her etc. I was like wtf. All I did was wish her happy birthday.
A few minutes later she calls me (crying) and tells me that how she was a minor when we had sex for the first time and how she could sue me or something like that. I was dumbfounded. Even I was a minor when we had sex. We were two horny teenagers who were in love. Although what She said about going to the cops and all was ridiculous,I don't blame her.. Emotions got the better of her..I know her..her parents probably verbally abused her that day..poor thing. It was her birthday and I ruined it for her even though all I did was wish her happy birthday. Life is weird.
It's her dad. He made her hate me more. I know it! I probably lost the love of my life cause of him.
2015: Nothing. No contact. No haunting memories. I really believed that I moved on.
2016 Jan: I got drunk and you know what happens when you're drunk and you talk about love. I drunk texted her. Didn't turn out well. She askes me to mind my life and let her be. I said I was drunk and I hate myself for being still miserable and thinking about her.
Seriously. I would have never done this.. But a stupid friend of mine kinda dared me..and when you're intoxicated,shit happens. Anyways deep inside, I think I knew that there was nothing more to be done..she is not coming back..I may as well drunk text her. What's the harm right!
Mar 2016: and here I am..almost 3 years after the break up with the only love of my life..still confused..still miserable..I'm not necessarily unhappy. What worries me is that during these 3 long years, I have dated 3 other women. I'm currently in a relationship too..yeah I know.. Im not doing her or myself any favour.
The thing is, none of these relationships has ever come even close to making me as happy as my one true love did! And I seriously think that I won't be able to fall in love again..I ve changed too much..Im not that lovey dovey, believer of God and love and all those good things that I used to be. I changed. A lot. But what's not changed is the way my heart beats when I see her.. Yeah she lives nearby..I see her sometimes when I go for a ride in my bike. (she won't see me).. She looks unhappy.. Maybe she is tired. Whatever it is,idk what to do..I honestly think that she is the only one who can make me commit again.
In these 3 years, I got in shape.. I got out of shape. Got fit. Got out of shape again. Currently I'm out of shape. Nice, right?
Nothing much has changed in my academics.. I lost the interest and determination I had..whereas she is doing pretty good with her studies.
But I will soon change that. Cause I have to. I'm not sulking here OK? And I don't blame it on the break up. I got poor at my studies because I got lazy..I made one very poor attempt to get her back and when it failed I kinda lost hope in other things too.
I'll overturn things. That's for sure. I ve never been a loser. Even though the past few months are against me.
So how can you help me? Tell me how I can get her back? Not instantaneously.. Possibly in a few months/years time so that we both are at the right age for a marriage. Yeah.. See..if im making this much of an effort to get her back after 3 years,it's to keep her forever! I don't want to stay unhappy and hurt these other girls cause I can't commit to them..I tried..but I couldn't.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I KNOW ITS PRETTY DIFFICULT SINCE 3 YEARS HAS PASSED..BUT I HONESTLY THINK SHE CANT FORGET/DELETE THOSE MEMORIES EASILY..WHICH IS TO MY ADVANTAGE..I WAS HER FIRST LOVE...WE HAD SEX WHEN WE WERE 16..A LOT. CONTINUED DOING THAT TILL WE BROKE UP(SOME MAY FIND IT INSIGNIFICANT,BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IS IS A LOT SIGNIFACT CAUSE THOSE MEMORIES NEVER GO AWAY)..I JUST WANT US TO BE BACK I THINK..SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE ME FEEL COMPLETE. and,i have only 1 year left to act! she will be in her final year of college soon,she will leave town after that term probably..then it might be too late :( i know im not perfect but im willing to do whatever it takes..the sad thing is i dont know what she thinks about me now..so.,
I'm 21 and she is 20 currently. March 2016.
Dude, you need to get over her! She sounds like a crazy ***** anyway... In this scenario, I think it is best to get your mind around that you are not meant for each other. You are in your best age, there are so many girls out there. Go be the best side of yourself, you will find a new girl soon. True love is what you make it to be.
haha Thank you..almost a month after that comment,i'm reading my comment and your reply and i feel so f**kin embarrassed lol,
i don't know man..27 out of 30 days a month,she doesn't even cross my mind..but there are certain days when i get deep with the past,get all depressed and whine lol but the rest of the stuff i said about my struggles with committing myself with others is a real issue. It can't be good :(
Thank-you btw..you're a dime! Assurance from someone who knows what they're talking about is one of the greatest feelings. What goes wrong when i talk about this stuff with my friends is that they are just as clue less as i am and also i'm ashamed to tell them that i still think about her lol.
i'm actually not loling btw. but i think you already know that. thanks bro. And you sure that i should forget about her? maybe i should give it a final shot after a few years once i'm old enough? desperation,i know. Thats cause i'm scarred for life.
True love is what you make it to be.i like that..will come in handy one day xD No wonder you're doing such a brilliant job here
I know how you feel, hell i am currently in about the same postion you are in. I understand why you did these things and maybe in the future I will make the same mistakes. I already made one dating other woman to try and fill the void she left behind...
to look for someone who is like her and who will make you happy. you feel lonely and trie to hide behind the alcohol and drugs(for me that was the problem)
but i think that if you give her time and space that she will come around but that don't talk to her for real.
Despite what some people might be saying that she is bad for you and you should get over her, I am here to tell you if your heart truly desires her that you can get back together with her and that you should have hope
if it means something to you me ex's birthday (who i am trying to get back) is also in december
He broke with me (not the first time) and he said this time was for good. He doesnt have Facebook but his father has, and i deleted his father. After 3 days his father requested my friendship on Facebook. Except trying to see what's new on my Facebook, do you think he is trying to prepare his comeback? ( he broke up with me 1 week ago).
Hey Kevin ..
I want to share my story with you ...
3 monthes ago .. I met this amazing guy .. And he asked me out .. And I agreed .. We started dating .. And everything was perfect .. He introduced me to his sister .. His friends .. And thongs were going amazing ..
But ..
Here's what happened ..
On our first date .. I asked him to take things slow .. "He was very happy that we started dating .. He had a crush on me one month before he had the courage to ask me out .. So he wanted to make our relationship official .. Which is a good thing in my country "
So .. I told him that I need time to know him better ...
So .. This guy Is the CEO of a company here .. And he's really busy all the time ..
So at the beginning .. He used to turn off his cell phone when we're together .. So later I told him that it's ok for me of he answered it when we are together .. And that we should find a way to work things out between me and his work .. He agreed ..
Later .. He was behind the schedule for his work .. He was alomst fired .. He had to go out of town for a week .. And I wasn't ok with that .. I started to feel like there's a distance between us ..
So .. As soon as he get back .. We went on a date .. And I told him what i felt .. He told me that I'm crazy .. And he's in love with me .. We had a little argument "our first one " and i told him that it's ok .. And that we are only getting to know each other.. Then he had to go to a meeting .. So we agreed to talk about what happened later .. But he asked me if I want to take a break .. I told him no .. He told me that he's happy for this .. And he was afraid that i was going to say yes ..
Next morning .. He told me that he needed a break because he's really stressed at work .. And he had a big meeting with our first lady later that week .. I was ok with that .. And wished him good luck ..
So .. Every day I used to talk to him on the phone for 2 minutes max .. To check on him ..
He was out of town for 10 days .. And we barel talked .. When he was back .. He called me and asked me out for a movie ..I said ok .. During the movie .. He wasn't happy and he checked he's phone every 5 minutes "he told me he was waitng for a call " ..
At last .. I couldn't take it any more .. And told him that there's something wrong between us and that he had changed ..
He told me that there is a problem and he was running from it because he is still stressed at work .. And that he changed because I told him on our fight that we're only getting to know each other .. Which he took it as if I don't considere him as my boyfriend "i never told him that i love him .. But we spent Valentin day together " .. And he was waiting for me to do something after our first fight "I was really childish .. It was mostly my fault "
So .. He told me as a joke that he's thinking of taking a break from us ..so I told him to do whatever he wants .. He got really mad .. And shoked from my arespond And he told me to go home ..
Next day .. He called me .. And told me that we should take a break .. To get to know each other better ..and that he wants us to stay friends for now .. And .. I agreed ..
But .. It's been a week now .. And he never called :(
So that's my story .. What do you think?
And what should I do?
And plz .. Can you tell me if I am on drift or shift stage?
All I want to say "thanx" Kevin :)
Hey Kevin!!!
My ex and I had one year relationship and then she suddenly left without saying anything ended every mean of communication and after 6 months she contacted me and we both continue our relation. After this, for 3 months we have a mixed type of relation in which we had love moments and we had serious argues on difference of ideas on certain things. After these three months she left again by text me that “we can’t work this out. I really love you but if we get together we always hurt each other. To avoid this I don’t want this relationship and don’t want to talk about it.” It has been three months and we haven’t talked with each other, she sent me a new year’s eve message on 31 December recently. I haven’t replied her.
I am really confused right now that if she is right for me or not I really missed her sometimes and want to text her but I know her response would be dry that will hurt me. So, should I ger her back? Is this right for me?? (because by stalking her facebook profile I have realized that she has not got any change after the breakup) or if I should get her back? So What will I do then because we haven’t talked to each other for three months
Please help me out I really want your help…….. Reply me plz
I want to take your advice further through e-mail. Can I?
Am glad your so helpful,made me feel relief
Hi kevin!
Thanks a lot for the tips. I actually read them after the 30 day no contact, and then realized that i did what you said to do before i even read them.
Im feeling happy, im smiling more, and being more sociable with people around me.
Me and my ex broke up mid feb because of 'age difference'. Well it was kind of a secret relationship, he didnt want to tell anyone due to the fact that he's a bit old for me. Anyway, i met him 1 month after he broke up with his ex. So i guess that our relationship was a rebound relationship. But 2 days after we 'broke' up, he told me he was seeing another girl.
1 day later, i saw him, and he told me how much he loves me and how bothered he is from the feelings he still has for me.
After our breakup, he unfriended me from facebook and unfollowed me from instagram; the reason? No one knows, apparently he was mad at me for something i did which i dont know what it was...
Approximately a month later, he starts talking to me again, and started showing interest while he's talking to that other girl. He asked to see me and go have dinner or watch a movie together.
This guy seems confused and im confused. I do miss him, a lot, cant deny that, but im not sure if i still love him. I think i recovered from the break up, and i am feeling awesome (as i already stated in the beginning of my comment)
Thanks again kevin!
Sarah
THIS SYSTEM WORKS. This is an excellent step-by-step guide to regaining your ex and your confidence. I found this site a year ago after a pitiful "How do I get my ex back?" Google search.
For everyone out there in the NC Zone, I want to add one thing: DO NOT, FOR ANY REASON, LOOK AT THE EX'S FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER, TUMBLER, VINE, ETC. If they haven't deleted you, delete & block them. Checking out the ex's FaceBook page is certain to end with you feeling depressed, hurt, and hopeless. To some, the idea of deleting and blocking the ex from your social media may sound harsh. Remember, this is the person that broke your heart and walked away from everything you shared. Right now, they don't care. Besides, this is FOR YOUR benefit, not theirs.
While in the NC Zone, give your FaceBook/Instagram a makeover. You're eating healthy, working out, you changed your hairstyle and got highlights, you've reconnected with old friends, maybe made a few new ones, and you've gone on a few casual dates. You look amazing! You've risen above the self-pity and taken control of your life! Be proud of that! Take tons of selfies, take pics with your friends, take a pic with a hot guy/girl you met. Post those babies proudly! Post inspirational quotes. Spend a weekend in Vegas with your best friend, take a zillion pics, & create a new album.
Once you've successfully graduated from the NC Zone, unblock the ex from all your social media. Set everything you want them to see to "public." DO NOT send the ex add requests or friend requests; believe me, you'll get ones from them. The ex will be blown away when you suddenly reappear on FaceBook, looking gorgeous, fit, and healthy, and, if your ex is anything like mine was, stunned that you didn't curl up and die.
This system worked for me. My ex-boyfriend, who had quite cruelly dumped me because he "needed to go in a different direction." I had no idea the break-up was coming; it was devastating. We'd been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. Yes, he came back to me. But I didn't want need him anymore. You see, during the NC Zone, which was 60 days for me, I worked out like a fiend (it was the only thing that took the pain away,) started seeing a therapist, and reached out to the friends I had previously neglected- my relationship with my ex was very codependent- and several close friends had been nearly lost as a result. I visited my best friend in Hawaii, and spent a week lying on the beach and hiking the amazing waterfalls of Hawi. I went to Vegas with 3 of my girlfriends, and we'd so much fun. That was the thing- I had previously made my boyfriend the center of my life. I had forgotten about me. And I had a huge surge in confidence after losing 15 lbs and realizing I had a better body at 27 then I did at 17.
Hey Kellie,
Thanks a lot for your comment and sharing your story. I appreciate it.
Please can I get in touch with you. This has inspired me and I really need someone like this to help me out. Can I ask how long did you feel bad for in that 60 days and when did he message you? My situation is complicated but after three months on and off since the break up I've now finally gone 30 days no contact but definitely need more because I'm still obsessive over him. How did you stop being and didn't you feel bad during that time? No matter how hard I try I still feel awful
I have posted several comments but cant seem to find them lol? i am really in need of some help!?
Hey Jennifer. The comment section on this page is no longer active. Please post on the message boards.
Is the ex factor guide really needed to do this plan or it just a complement ??
It definitely helps. But it's not necessary.
May God bless ur wrk,hope 2 read more of dis again tanx
Hi Kevin, its Kasey.. I used your methods and got my ex back.. Mostly the no contact rules... Thanks much
hi I'm Miguel I have a question can this article also apply if you have a baby together?
Yes, read this article to find out how to apply no contact in this case.
I belive in u and i think it will work for me
Hi kevin,
Am Maria 21 from England,my boyfriend of a year just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant.I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don't seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again.Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day's classes ,my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time.Generally he is a very nice guy ,he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along.He is right we've been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change exactly what you said in your article not to ring him non stop.I think am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with.I'm still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe.He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy,he is supportive with it but it's not fair on me him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy.I have stumbled across your article and immediately felt 1000 times better.I want to do this steps coz I want him back.Is it possible for a pregnant lady to follow these steps as well as I worry he will start texting me asking how the bump is doing and my emotions will come back.Please help I really really need your advice many thanks.
Maria
This is great. thanks :)
Hello Kevin,
So I'm coming down to the conclusion of just leaving him. There isn't enough changes or should I say any changes for me to stay in a relationship that I already know how it's gonna end. Which is me hurt and crying.
I've tried to make it work but being in this relationship is making me lose myself again. I'm taking steps back and I just feel I'm being held back. Although I'll take full responsibility for that since it is my life and no one should be able to have that control over me.
I want to feel how I did when I was single which was free. I felt more independent than I do now. And I don't mean free and independent as in I can go be with an guy but as in I had full control of my life. Yes there were times I was miserable from the heartbreak but I had my sanity and most importantly I had myself.
Now I feel like I'm back to square one where all my attention is for him and I'm always paranoid he's doing something. I'm acting like the clingy girlfriend that just needs him. I'm showing the unattractive side of me and to be honest I hate it. It makes me seem insecure but it's not fully insecurity because I know I'm not unattractive, my confidence had gone up a lot but I guess in a way it is going down.
I feel like he's still stuck on his ex and is just with me to not be alone or I don't know his reasons to be honest because his ex has messaged him so they can be together if they want but why keep me around? I just don't want to be in anyone's shadows or be made a fool again.
Like I mentioned seems like the best thing to do is leave this relationship. It's not a new one it's the same one we had right before we split. The changes lasted 3 days after that it's starting to go back to how things were. We said we'd take it slow but now I can't even figure out what that even means? It's so easy to fall back when you have so much history but we agreed to try and to take things slow but again, I don't know what that means. Help Kevin please.
Hey e.p.,
It might be a good idea to end the relationship. We all crave a sense of security in a relationship. A healthy relationship should make you feel secure. A relationship should help you grow and become a more confident individual. It seems a relationship with him is having the exact opposite effect. It's not you that are insecure, it's the relationship and his behavior that is making you insecure. It seems that he has not made any effort to help you feel secure and nurture the relationship. Especially since he has betrayed you so many times in the past, it will require a lot of effort from him and you both to turn this into a healthy, trusting and loving relationship. And to be honest, I don't think he ever will be mature enough to put in that effort. I agree with you, that it might be the best thing to leave the relationship. But if you truly want to give it one last chance, try couples counseling. A good counselor will give you the tools you need to rebuild the trust and the sense of security in the relationship. But from what you have told me about him till now, I wouldn't put too much hope in it.
Thank you Kevin. I never considered couples counseling since I'm sure he most likely wouldn't do it. But I might just throw out on the table see how far is he willing to go for our relationship. If he can't do that then there's really nothing else I can do but leave. If he doesn't put the work then nothing will change.
Hi Kevin,
It's almost 2 years since I broke up with my ex. And after reading your post I just realized I made every single mistake that you've mentioned including going in a rebound relation (I was a fool). I used to wonder where I was going wrong, but now I know.
So now from today onwards I'll be following your NO CONTACT rule. Wish me luck.
Love your post btw.. :)
Happy new year 2016... Hope this year turns out good..
Hi Kevin is this website still active?
Carrie
The forum section of the website is quite active.
Thank you very much for this wonderful page.
It's food for my thoughts and it made me realize how foolish I had been acting!
Hey Kevin! Just wanted to give you an update and ask you a question.
So I followed your emails and they have help very much, as usual.
And miraculously, she called and told me she missed me! I told her that was nice and we talked for just a little bit.
And okay...I may have told her about the fight I had in school. But that was it. The rest of the conversation was all about her and what she did for Black Friday. She also told me that she's going to get me a Christmas gift. I told her I would do the same.
I then told her I had to go and that maybe we could talk again if she wanted to. Now I know I probably shouldn't promise her that and it will stop if she ever calls me again.
So now that she's called and I haven't called her back...should I write her the letter? Is she at the stage that Relationship Rewind calls the "different" stage? If she is, what exactly does that mean? Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing?
Dear Kevin,
I hope this works. I'll give all my efforts to be with him once again. And it's not simply because I love him or I can't live without him. It's because our relationship is way beyond romantic conversations and makeouts. It adds a different dimension to my life. And he's not just a boyfriend. He's been a lot more. I don't want to let go of him.
Please help.
Thank you.
hello kelvin
glad to see a nice and detailed post
it helped me alot thank you
keep the divine work going
Hello Kevin,
Just thought I'd give an update. So remember I mentioned that we had tickets to some event but we were going in a group? Okay well that was on the 30th of October, he kept following me around the event and I ended up getting drunk so he was taking care of me. We didn't kiss or anything we just hung out kind of lol anyways I was dressed as a bride since it was a Halloween event and some people actually thought I had got married so there was a point where some guy congratulated me and asked him did you guys get married? I nodded my head no but he nodded yes. The guy then congratulated him too.
He then would hug me at random times but I'd pull away cause I knew too much closeness would mean trouble. So the event ended and no one was okay to drive but we had a friend that lived close and said for everyone to sleepover his house. We all did. Everyone had fell asleep and only me and him were awake. We were watching TV and he was on some couch chair and I was at the corner of the bed since everyone had made there own spot on the bed.
He then said I would sleep where he was that it was really comfortable and that he'd sleep on the other couch on the other side of the room. I ended up laying down and fell asleep. When I woke up I had a text message from him saying come sleep with me. That was at like 6 something a.m. I saw it like a hour later. I went back to sleep since everyone was still asleep. Maybe like 2 hours later I woke up again & then so did some other people we then woke him up to open the gate for us and we left. He stayed. On my way he texted me saying "you should've stayed we could've been eating right now" I then said " you should've said something " he then replied "I love you " "thank you for not giving up on me. I know there's no one else that loves more than you" he then started telling me he wanted his family back etc.
I've been hanging out with him but I'm starting to see it's not gonna go far. He's still not ready. He hasn't changed not one bit or at least he hasn't showed me that he has. He's making me realize that letting him go is probably for the best. Our daughter is happy that she sees us together but I can't fake a relationship again. I still love him but I feel like I'm just going to waste my time and hurt myself. Maybe he still needs more time or maybe he's just not for me. Where I love him so much but I can only love him from afar.
Plizzzzzz dont do that .Stay with him you had time (during thé NC)to judge if hé was good or not. You should rather change your way of accepting his weaknesses he Will change as hé sees you love him more. I think love isnt about what he offers you but rather what you offer him as support. Stay cool and if a Christian then pray .Do that for your family. Du courage like they say in french
Well we never truly got to do no contact since we have a kid together but I showed him all my support, my love and everything but he doesn't care it seems like he just doesn't want to be alone. He seems to still be in love with his ex. I'm just hurting myself by staying in this relationship.
I've told him many times I'm his partner not his enemy I've showed him that I'll always have his back and he knows it considering the fact he texted me saying thank you for not giving up on me I know there's no one that loves me like you. So if he knows this why still jeopardize losing me. He's acting like he did right before we split.
Hey e.p.,
That's a very interesting update. Now that you know that he wants you back, you are able to think clearly and rationally if he would make a good life partner. While he was away and didn't show any interest in you, you were clouded by your emotions and perhaps had the mindset of a hopeless romantic.
Whether or not you should be with him is a decision only you can make and I am sure you will make the right one. I suggest you talk to him clearly about what you expect from him and what changes you want to see in him if he wants to make the relationship with you work. Give him some time to make those changes and if he doesn't, you should move on. If you think he already had enough time to make those changes and you don't see any hope, then you should move on.
@Jay N.
Thank you. My life is a roller coaster. You're right as long as you follow your heart you could never be unhappy.
It's really working fine, it's seems terribly wrong to act so ar first, but it does work. I made huge mistake, I talked to my ex's friend to get little more information and then also mentioned my plan(this one here), it was going exactly as should have been, but then her friend told her about that and now this plan is fucked and my chances gone forever probably, don't make the same mistake! Could I possibly have any chances? Probably not?
Hi Kevin
Me and my girlfriend are going throught a really hard time. We are together for 3 and a half year. So at the moment she "dont konw" if she wants something from me, we had no sex for half year! On the other hand shes calling me everyday, cause she cant live without me. I feel used but I dont wana loose that girl. What kind of realationship is this? Do you have some advise what i can do?
Nice greets from Austria
Hey,
It's very hard to know, maybe you should try outsomething new? I am actually not sure. Don't be doormat, but treat her good. Try to make her be sure that you are the one she needs!
I hope everything will work out!
Yes trying out new stuff sounds nice... At the moment I am trying to ignore her, not answering her calls and textes, so she gets the feeling how it would be without me... Its rude but maybe it helps... I just dont know anymore... what else can I do to give her the feeling that I am the one?
Thank you. This article works like a charm. Man you're a love guru. <3
Me and my ex were together for two years. He received a higher paying job offer in PA (we're in CA) so he moved over there. We continued talking but he started dating a new girl. After only three or four months he told me he got engaged. I have said everything I need to say to him. Our relationship had started worsening as we began arguing a lot etc. He told me that he has moved on and I should just not talk to him any more. We always agreed once one of us got married we would stop talking.
I was thinking of doing NC for a few months. I am not sure how effective it would be since he is getting married though. What do you think?
BTW the whole thing seemed suspicious to me so I said I hoped she weren't a rebound. He is known for having rebound relationships in the past. But he insisted, no, she's the real deal.
I think its still necessary. Kévin tells us that NC is not only to make him miss you but also for you to regain self confidence. To go back to your shelf and get more sure of your décisions.
Your Plan work wonderful. me and my ex are now back together.
Hey Kevin,
I feel in such a dark place again. I think now that we're close again like we talk & see each other some what a lot it's made me go crazy. It gets to me that I can't hug him or nothing. That I can't have him. I think I'm at this stage where I want what I can't have.
I ended up deactivating my Facebook and Instagram account because I really didn't want to keep seeing things he was posting on that girls statuses or pictures. I have her as a friend so I didn't want to keep seeing that and then get curious and look him up. I'm going crazy.
I know I'm still in love with him and it's not just a feeling of rejection. But I also noticed that no matter how much I love him or even if he wanted to get with me right now it wouldn't work out. He hasn't changed. He's still the same, he's still being that immature 21 year old.
I think that's what hurts the most that he's not ready not does he care to be ready for me. Could be because hes sure I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to continue waiting for him. Which is my mistake for allowing him to think and believe that and well in some way confirming that to him with my actions.
He has no fear of losing me because he knows he won't. Do you think if he starts seeing or knowing that I'm talking to another guys or going out on dates he'll start trying or at least start feeling fear of losing me?
It's been 11 months since we broke up almost a year. I know it's about that time I let it go and move on. We still have a Halloween event we're going to together, well in a group, should I try to test his jealousy? Maybe if he sees me talking to a guy or at least guy hit on me see how he reacts? I know I'm playing a childish game but I would like to know if he's even bothered by it.
I feel like that I'll know his feelings towards me if there's even any left. At times I feel it but then there's times I don't that's why I'm confused. Anyways HELP please!
Hey so today his mom told me that my ex was telling her that he was planning to change his car in and get a new one and put the new one under my name. I don't know why. He can just put it under his mom's or sister's but why choose me? Maybe because I have no bad driving record since I don't drive? He can't put it under his name since he got his license taken away. Why give me that power over him in a way. I don't know if he's doing it so I can be driving him around. Everyday I'm more confused.
I also started to talk to a new guy and then I find this out. I still love my ex but I feel like I should continue to allow myself to see how it goes with this new guy. Like I said everyday I'm more confused. I wish it was my ex who I text with and that it's my ex who tells me sweet things but it's not. Ugh! Help please
He still trusts you and thinks of you as family. It's a good sign, but I guess it will just make things more confusing. He is still immature and not ready to give you what you want. And there is absolutely no sign of him changing anytime soon. I think you shouldn't expect anything from him. I know it can be hard since you to have to interact with each other and be in each other's life. I guess you will just have to learn to live with it and not expect anything from him.
Yeah I am more confused. His mom was even confused as to why put it under my name. She even said I think he wants you to be driving him around or I don't know why put it under your name.
Yeah its clear to me too that he's not ready to give me the relationship I want right now. He's still into getting girls. He wants to continue having fun. I do have to learn how to live with that. It's been a hard process but I need to learn to not take anything he does right now serious.
Nothing matters right now since we're both single.
Hey E.P., your comments are very few interesting to read. I've stayed up at the 3 am in the morning to read your comments. Remember, stories have happy endings if you just follow your heart and do what's right :)
Hello Kevin,haven't heard from my ex for 5 months.The reason i am writing is because she has a birthday in 10 days and i'm not sure if i should even greet her or not.Also i noticed that we are still friends in fb and she uploads some photos ,but she hides them from me.What be could the reason for that.Why would she want to keep me as friend and hide pics .
Thank you,Stoyan
What do you do when you have a child together along with a new business. This requires daily contact all of the time.
Read this article.
Hi Kevin,
This is not personally related to my relationship and breakup problems. I just find your advice inconsistent with the "Relationship Rewind" advice given by Ryan. On your site, you suggest to go through a 30 day NC period. However, Ryan says that he doesn't believe in NC, and that it's a very "obsolete" method to use in getting a relationship back together. He suggests reaching out to them when you can, so you can show that you still care about them in some sense. I'm not sure if I'm just misunderstanding, but it's confusing as to which method to use properly. Could you please clarify? Thank you so much for your time.
Hey kevin,
I wanted to let you know that I sent the letter finally. After telling you about it, I sent it a few weeks later, all the way to alaska. He's had it about a week now, and traveling to europe. I don't have any expectations but I am unsure if I should attempt to text him at all. What do you think?
Hey Kevin, that was a really good one thanks a lot u made me feel much lighter n it helped me control myself I hope ur guidance help me as well thank u once agin
I read your guidelines on How to get your ex back and I am interested in receiving your daily emails. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Thanks so much!
Lisa Thompson Roussel
Hey again kevin.
I wished her a good birthday and asked about her life and uni but she was so cold and short answers ... What should i do when she is short texting me and it seems like she dont want a conversation !!! :( should i stop texting or should i try and call her or what do u think .. I need your answer .. Thanx.
Do no contact again for at least two weeks (preferably a month). This time, send her the letter or email as mentioned in Step 4. Wait another one week and text her again.
Hey kevin. Today i just discovered that she blocked me from every where !!! Just suddenly. But i swear i know she loved me i dont know now whats happening !! Am so disappointed but am hating on her now acctually .. Cuz i was so nice and i cared acctually i cared about every thing she loved ( her sis, bro, friends, even her cusins ). I loved every thing she loved. I did what no one would do to her then she just blocks me !!! What ? Is she sick or fake or why would any one do that to someone who loves them. Actually i dont know what to do but i think i should move on ? Or just wait or make a no contact rule but longer like 6 months !! I dont know i need a good advice from you and am sorry for annoying you
If you were doing no contact, she might have blocked you out of anger. It doesn't really change anything. I will still recommend sending the email or the letter as I suggested in my previous comment.
Hi Kevin.
I need to ask do I need to go through the no contact rule before I subscribe for part 5. Because I don't think I read it properly?
No, you don't. In fact, Step 5 will help you go through no contact.
Hello Kevin
So last time I posted I was telling you on how he had asked me to hangout and how he was watching our daughter while I worked and he was sometimes giving me rides to work and picking me up. Well since that last comment he's been doing it a lot.
I've been seeing him a lot and every time he picks me up from work he takes me to his house. Except the last time I saw him cause I told him to drop me off home. Anyways, so he picks me up and takes me to his house but he drops me off cause majority of time he goes to pick up his friend to hangout.
The last time I was there I told him if he can give me the car seat cause he always takes long to come back and I didn't want to be staying so late cause Im tired and well cause I have work. He was like I'm not gonna take long it'll be quick I'm just gonna go to my friend's house. I was like you always say that and he was like you don't have anything to do at home but he said giggling. I then told him yes I do I have work, I need rest and I also said it giggling.
He then said I'll be back fast for real. Of course that didn't happen. He came back but later. I called him to tell him if he can take us home already cause I was tired and had work the next day. He then came for me and my daughter and then when I put her in the car she was crying. She wanted to sleepover.
He then told me why don't I just leave her and I told him who's gonna watch her when everyone here is going to work tomorrow he said I'll watch her or why don't you stay here? But then quickly added You can stay with my mom and I was like, like sleepover? And he said yeah, you can stay with my mom (in her room) I just nodded my head no and said I can't stay I have to go.
He then gave me a look like why not? But then his look became something else. I don't know hard to explain. We seem to get along perfectly but the love is still there for him.
It's clear he's not giving me any clear sign even him asking me to sleepover doesn't mean he want me but why ask me to? Kevin I need some help.
I'm assuming do no contact?
He's showing signs of when a guy is hurt and starts hitting on girls to heal the pain. I have this girl on facebook who I'm friends with and so is he. He's been kind of hitting on her and she's been ignoring him(she knew him before me but know that's my ex). Anyways he's kind of pushing it like he's hoping she continues it so he can't hit on her more and maybe get lucky with her.
Well I don't know if she's replying to him through messages cause I'm sure he messaged her already; flirting and stuff but through comments she ignores him. Well now I feel his attitude has changed towards me like now he's being distant again and kind of cutting me off.
It hurts because I feel like he used me as someone to have around meanwhile he found girls to hit on. I don't know. He's starting to act like when we first broke up and I don't mean towards me I mean like hitting on girls trying to get laid (sorry to say it like that).
He just talks to them for fun and then leaves them and then after some time he's ready for a relationship again. Well that just happened once but I mean he's showing the same behavior in a way. Yes it worries me a bit cause what if he ends up finding another girl but at the same time I'm trying so hard to ignore it all cause its not my problem.
I guess I just thought he enjoyed my company and was maybe growing his feelings back towards me by the way he'd look at me but I was mistaken. I was hoping he had realized his mistake. But like you said he knows he hasn't lost me so he doesn't care cause he's sure I'm not going anywhere.
Also we have tickets to go to a music festival together the day before Halloween. I don't know what to think or do. I was thinking no contact maybe. Maybe until like 2 weeks before the music festival, start talking to him a bit since we do have tickets to go together. Kevin please help me!
Yes, I will recommend no contact. Your emotions are still dependent on him. And you are still obsessing over his actions. It has been a long time since the breakup but it seems you never learned to stop obsessing over him and his actions. I suggest you do that and cut him off from everywhere so you are not able to see what he is doing. I think it's important that you get a break from him and just be with yourself for a while.
I don't have him on any social media. I have the girl and that's where I saw it. I do need a break. I need to learn to not over think any of his actions. It just bothers me that I don't know what he is truly thinking so it makes me curious. I just need to learn to ignore him again and continue with my life. Thank you
I did comment like 8 times ... And every and each time i stay half an hour writing then when i submit it it never appears !!!!!
Hi,
I am sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I rarely approve a new comment anymore. Please post your question on the message boards.
Hey brother,
Oki i did posted it there and I wanted to ask and i wish u answer me.
.
1- me and my ex brooked up 5 months ago .. We talked normal and texted each other but then we had a fight and i hurt her and she hurt me ...then she said i dont want to talk to we have to stop and i dont have any feeling to u and there is no hope to be together again... But i know i love her and she does .. But i still have hope so i tried the no contact rule like for 1.5 months i didnt talk to her .. But her birth day is after 2 days should i do any action or a letter or i dont need to appear plus she traveled to study outside in another country and she is coming after 3 months.
.
2- in the no contact days should i delete and block her from facebook and instagram and snapchat? Or just ignore her and dont talk to her on these apps but i will be visible for her. .and she blocked me from snap but not from instagram i dont what the hell was that !!
Thanx sooo much
1. You can send her a small text if you want. But it's not necessary. If you decide to text her, keep it short and to the point.
2. Don't block her, but don't stalk her social media profiles either. Don't let it become an obsession.
But i already finished 45 days with no contact !!! Isnt it a good time to start trying to get her back ?
If you've finished no contact, then yes, you should contact her and try to get her back. Follow Step 4. You can wish her on her birthday and try to chat.
Dear Kevin,
I am now doing the doing the no contact rule. And what should i do during this time? And what should i text her? you know, i don't want to be a stupid guy texting the wrong message. So can you help me please?...
Best regards,
James
Follow the plan James.
Hello Kevin I hope that you can help me out cause I really need some advice. I know it's pretty long but please bare with me. So my ex girlfriend and I broke up about a little over a year ago. We were together for 6 and a half years. It was a "break" turned break up. I made all those mistakes post break up. After a couple months I did no contact and came back from no contact completely wrong and failed miserably. A little later we tried to be friends but she said it was getting hard because she was "talking" to someone and she was "torn" I guess between the two.
I went back to no contact a couple of months. I came back from no contact like 4-5 months ago by inviting her to a concert, something that both of us are really in to. Going to concerts became our thing. We became friends at least that's what she tells me, we are only friends and I have just gone along with it. She said that I am her best friend. I hoped for it to evolve into more than friends but I'm starting to think it won't and starting to feel frustrated. She would always say that she is never friends with her exs but some how wanted to be friends with me. We have recently started to hang out alot pretty much every weekend for about 2 months now, dinners and movies. Pretty much almost like dating. I know that she has been dating. When I came back from no contact she was seeing someone.
Although she would always refer to guys she was seeing as "friend" whatever that means. To me it was like possibly hiding that person. She recently stopped talking to someone. This was the first time she refered to someone as a guy she was dating. This is where it gets confusing/complicated. She started to follow me on Instagram. She keeps on making plans for us together like we should go here or do that. Once she told me we are going to be best friends forever and screw these insecure guys who say we can't be friends. She has even posted things like that on social media then deleting it. One of the times we went to a concert together she randomly gave me a hug and rested her head on my shoulder. One time while we were having dinner she said to me that I'm like her soul mate because we like similar things.
Interestingly she said that for Halloween we should do a couple's costume from a movie she likes. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that. But she continues to say that were just friends. This past holiday weekend (labor day) we were together pretty much all weekend. She even invited me to spend time with her family, something I haven't done since the break up. Her mom made it awkward by asking me if I was trying to convince her to get back together. Her mom never wanted us to break up. We went to the beach together just the 2 and she posted a picture of us together on Instagram. So recently I feel like I've been getting mixed signals.
I have been considering telling her how I feel but I'm not sure how she would react or how it would effect our friendship. I've been thinking of saying some where around the lines of "I'm not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I'm pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I'm open to that. If not I'm ok with being friends. I'm not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I'm just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship." Or saying something like "I'm beginning to fall all over again for you" to make it seem like it's something new. I have actually started developing more feeling towards her. I fear that she is talking to someone new though because she was telling of a "friend" she is getting to know. The question is telling her how I feel a good idea?? Or wait it out? If yes, any suggestions on what to say?? Please help me out!! I'm really torn on what to do and want to get out of the "friend zone".
"I’m not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I’m pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I’m open to that. If not I’m ok with being friends. I’m not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I’m just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship"
^ This, I will not recommend at all. It looks weak and looks like you are trying very hard not to look clingy and at the same time you are not being true to yourself. It will also make it look like you are afraid to go after what you want. If you are trying hard not to look clingy, it will make you look weak and unconfident, which is equally as unattractive.
I will recommend that you let things progress for a while. Spend more time together and wait it out. As you two get more close to each other, start getting physical. Like holding hands, or touching her when it seems appropriate. If she responds well, try kissing her. If it progresses, then you can have the talk. But make sure you know what you want. Do you want her as your girlfriend? Are you REALLY ok with being just friends if she says no? Or are you just too much afraid of losing her forever? Be honest with yourself. If you are just afraid of losing her, even if it's killing you just being friends with her, then it's better for you to let her go if she says no. And then be honest with her. Tell her that you want her as your girlfriend. And you don't want to be friends anymore. And say it with confidence. It's not so much about the words you use, but your intentions and your confidence.
Thank you Kevin for the response. Yes, I do want her as a girlfriend. I'm going to have to say that yes, I am afraid of loosing her forever which is why I have been agreeing to be friends. I have to be honest, it has started to get hard being friends. I understand I should start getting a little physical, which makes me a little nervous honestly because I'm not sure how she'll react. I get that I should wait it out a bit but what if she's starting to date again? I honestly don't know if she has. I guess I would want to tell her soon but I don't want to ruin plans we already have.
Hey Robert,
If you are afraid she will start dating soon, then you should make a move. Eventually, you will have to man up and do what's necessary. Remember, everything you did till now (no contact and the 5 step plan) was an attempt to give yourself one last chance. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then you learned a lot from it and you move on.
From what you have told me, it seems she is into you. But if you don't make a move, you will be friendzoned. And we both know it's going to be a torture for you emotionally being friends with her while she is dating someone else.
How long you should wait before making the move is up to you. But I will not recommend waiting too long. Starting to get physical is a good way to test the waters. Don't let your fear of losing her hold you back.
Hi Kevin, thanks again for the advice. Indeed my fear of loosing her is holding me back and is putting stress on me. I definitely do fear she might be or probably already is "talking" to some one. Once again I really want to tell her but don't know exactly how or when to tell her. I kind of narrowed it down to saying something like "recently I have started to fall for you all over again. I wish not to see you as a friend but more than a friend, a girlfriend. A while ago you told me that I was like your soul mate and I didn't think much of it but now I'm also feeling that way. You are my best friend and you'll always be but I would like to be more than just best friends". If she says no or responds negatively I'm not sure where to go from there. Maybe saying that I need space now and could possibly be just friends in the future. One thing I've been thinking is where do you suggest I tell her? Like as I'm droping her off or like over dinner? It's probably a silly question but I don't make her feel uncomfortable.
Hey Robert,
If she says no, you should definitely back off for a while and think things through. Do you want to pursue her more? Are you OK with being friends? Should you try to move on? I will recommend moving on. But it will be ultimately your decision. There is no point thinking about it now. Only think about it if she says no. Just tell her you need some space and think things through.
When to bring it up is again up to you. When you feel the vibe. When you feel like you both are having a good time. Don't think so much about not making her uncomfortable. It seems you are caring too much about her feelings. To the point of being insecure. If every guy starts caring so much about making the girl uncomfortable, they will never make a move.
Hi Kevin, understood. Very good points. So I am very unsure if she's seeing or talking to someone or not. This past weekend we spent a lot of time together. At some point she mentioned a friend that she was talking to late at night. She had mentioned this guy in the past and I guess they've known each other for a while. She has referred to guys she's dated as "friend" so I'm not sure if they are actually just friends or something else. On Saturday night I invited her to dinner and a movie. When I was dropping her off she said "thank you for the date". I'm not sure if she meant to say that or she accidentally said it. We follow each other on Instagram and that night she went on a bit of a rant for some reason. She said that she's at a point in her life where she doesn't care about dating or relationships. She's finally ok with being alone and she's just looking to being 100% happy. On Sunday we were together all day and she had a family emergency and I stuck with her through it. That night she texted me saying thank you for the very fun weekend and being there for her and her family. She ended the text by saying I'm truly the bestest friend she could ever have been given. I was thinking of telling her this past weekend but backed out once she started to make plans for this weekend. I was thinking about telling her this weekend. Given all this and her possibly not dating do you suggest I wait it out a little or go forth and tell her?
Hey Kevin,
I haven't posted here in 4 or 5 months. Please scroll up if you've forgotten me! Hope things have been well with you! Last I told you was I told him to stop saying he loved me unless he wanted to seriously work things out. I had also been moving on, going on dates, getting on with my life. He contacted me two weeks ago to ask me if I wanted to start dating again. He said he thought about it and realized what we had was special. I asked him why he just doesn't start dating locally and he said he did go out and meet a lot of people but found no one interesting. He said he realizes other things in his life are more fulfilling than work. I told him I would think about it but I'm really not sure. I have this huge exam that decides my career coming up next June and I don't want to compromise that. I asked him if he would wait for me after that and he said he would. I'm thinking of telling him that he needs to show me things have changed and he's serious and we can consider making it official after next June. Do you think I should also ask him to visit me explicitly too or let him figure that out on his own? What do you think of all this. I'm worried that he is coming back because he's just desperate and thinks he can't find someone better.
He also said he saw dating as a step towards moving to be in the same place when I pointed out we have known each other forever and this either needs to move forward or back. He said that obviously its been a while since we have spent real time together and been in the same place so that is an issue but he really thought about this before brining it up with me. He did bring up friends engagements and stuff but idk how seriously to take him. He was pretty immature when he used to always prioritize work before and I'm pretty skeptical he's really changed. Idk if I can take this or him seriously. I wasn't really expecting him to come back any time soon. I had really been getting on with my life. I'm just really concerned that this is because he thinks he cant' find someone else. I really just don't know. I don't want to mess up my huge exam because of him. But at the same time I don't want to say or to say yes. I need to take some sort of middle ground. What do you think of the idea I came up with of asking him to demonstrate his seriousness?
I think it's a good idea. If you are not sure about him, you shouldn't start dating or make any commitments yet. Let him prove that he is serious and work for what he wants. If he really wants to be with you, he will work for it.
Hey Kevin,
What if your ex has access to your personal accounts? Like passwords to Facebook and Instagram? Should I change my information? I just don't want him thinking I'm hiding something.
Yes, you should change it. You shouldn't worry so much about what he thinks about you. It's more about having privacy and setting boundaries.
Hello Kevin
Okay so I finally started working last week (yay me lol) and my ex has been taking care of our daughter. So on my first day which was last Friday he texted me asking me what was I doing that day and that he was gonna go to our friend's house and I said about to get off of work and well get our daughter and nothing, why? And then he asked me if I wanted to go with him I agreed but then we didn't even end up going we ended up at his house instead and we didn't really hang out that much cause 2 other friends were there but he even bought me food. Ok so that was Friday.
I didn't see him again until Wednesday when he picked up our daughter but Tuesday night I had texted him to make sure if he would still watch our daughter he said yeah but through text I felt like he was in some way cutting me off, he might have been tired since he worked but I just stopped replying. Wednesday he came and picked her up and he was cool with me then later on that night I came out super late from work and he offered to pick me up I told him to just pick me up from the bus stop close to his house that I'd call.
I assumed he would pick me up with our daughter in the car so he can just drop us off but nope, he just picked me up and again took me to his house he hung out for a bit but again some neighbors came and he left. I then left before he came back and I just texted him to remind him about what time to pick up our daughter he then replied saying you left? I said yes and he stopped replying.
Today (as in Thursday) he came to pick up our daughter and offered to give me a ride to work but I already had one so I said no thank you he said ok have a good day at work and then we said bye. Again he picked me up from work and once again I thought he'd bring our daughter but once again he didn't. He just picked me up and took me to his house this time he said I have to go somewhere and then he said I'll be back. I left again before he came back. Tomorrow (Friday) he offered to give me a ride to work.
Last Friday I left his house like at 11 something these 2 times I've been leaving by like 9:30 since I end up getting there late. Like Wednesday I got there at 8:20 & today like at 7 anyways I think he thought I was gonna be staying late again but I'm not.
Anyways to sun up my question are these good signs? Or....help?
Hey,
Maybe he is trying to be supportive or maybe these are good signs. I can't really tell. I think it's best to just focus on your new job and your life and not expect anything for a while. If he is really interested, he will make a clear move. Something you won't have to interpret. If he doesn't, you should just assume he is being friendly or supportive. If you keep trying to interpret his actions, you will never be able to move on with your life.
I know I am just focusing on my new job. I was just wondering since he was the one to ask me to hang out. I'm trying to not make this into something it's not cause it could just be a friendly thing. He's not making anything clear. I'm not gonna get excited over this. I'm just gonna do me and well lets see if he decides to make a clear move, whether that's trying to talk to me again or he starts talking to someone else. Thank you Kevin.
my comments aren't showing up
Tom, the comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please use the message boards to post your question.
I have already posted my question that didn't show up.
The first time you post on the boards, it needs to be manually approved by me. It will show up now.
It has been three months no contact, I have my letter ready, but don't know if I should send it or how to word it. I also don't know sometimes if I should even try to get him back. I want to be with him 100% but on our last phone call conversation, he told me he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore....can I even fix that? even with 90 days of no contact!?
If you are sure you want him and you two have the potential to have a long lasting healthy relationship, then you should try to get him back. The only way to know if you can fix that is by contacting him again. If it doesn't work out, you don't have anything to lose. You are already broken up. At least, you will know that you tried.
Should I ask him to call me in the letter or does that sound too needy? Is there anything else I need to add or take out...its hard trying to filter our all the heartfelt emotions that are bubbling at the surface. It is very short...I said I accepted the break up and understand why it happened; I apologized for not giving him space right afterwards and calling and emailing him; I said that positive things were happening in my life and I wanted to be able to share about them with him....I wished him well and said Love, Erin...that was it.
No don't ask him to call you. And after the wanting to be able to share with him part, add the word "someday".
Kevin,
This is my 4th attempt in reaching out to you. I got stuck after the first hang out and haven't been able to get him to hang out again. We text occasionally and he says he wants us to be friends, but I don't know what to do from here. Your plan ends after the first meet up. I've attempted to see him twice since the first lunch meet up we had a few weeks ago, and he keeps saying he's "busy", no real excuse, just that he's busy. Although I haven't said a word about the break up or wanting him back or used the word "date". I've been strictly platonic and done everything you said. I'm thinking I may have to redo the 30 days no contact, because I feel like he's suspicious to what I'm trying to do. Please help!
Katie
Yes, it's probably a good idea to back off for a while since he is acting cold. No contact for 30 days sounds good. Try going on a few dates during this time. If after that, he is still cold, then you should definitely consider moving on.
Dear Kevin,
Me and my ex have been broken up for about a month. I was currently following these steps until me and him started talking again. I had blocked him from all my social media except for Kik. I decided to give myself time. During that time he had 2 girlfriends. One that didn't even last a week and the recent one that had been with him that lasted almost 3 weeks. I've been by far the gf he has been the most with. That is until We had to go long distance. during long distance he had cheated on me with multiple girls, multiple times. I know my worth. I know he doesn't deserve me. But for some reason I feel SO attracted to him! He contacted me a week ago saying he had broken up with his girlfriend. Then he tried to make me laugh with old jokes and ended up asking if I was ever going to give him another chance. I said No, bc i didn't want to seem desperate. after that we kept on talking like friends and we both started talking about our past relationship and he said i was the best girlfriend he's had and that he loves me and that i've always had his heart... but than he got with a different girl. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!! DO I START AGAIN FROM STEP 1?
Hey Kora,
I would suggest a longer no contact period. And yes, start again. Like you said, if you think he doesn't deserve you, then you shouldn't take him. Even if you feel attracted to him. But I know it's easier said than done. Especially when you feel you still love your ex. That's why I am recommending a no contact period. If after that, you still want to be with him, contact him.
Hey Kevin,
It's been a month, and I've done everything on the checklist. I have re-established contact, to find that my ex is still with her rebound (They've been together for 3 weeks now) I believe she's starting to lose interest in him now. I also believe my ex still has feelings for me. Should I disappear until they break up, or keep talking to my ex. I don't want to be friend zoned. Advice?
Amazing website, too. Helped a tonne! Highly recommend it! :)
Hey Alex,
Keep in touch. But don't look needy or desperate. Don't always be the one to initiate contact. If she seems cold, back off for a while. If she is interested in talking to you, keep the momentum going.
What happens if she doesn't initiate contact at all? I mean, I'm pretty sure she's trying to resist. But when we do talk, she keeps the conversation going, and keeps the momentum going, too.
Thanks by the way, helps a tonne :)
It's OK if she doesn't. Just give her a chance to initiate contact. Like a week or two between you initiating contact. If she doesn't initiate contact, don't overthink it and just continue doing what you have been doing. It's a patience game for you right now.
Thanks so much. I love your guide too. You've helped a lot of people!
Should I initiate contact if she doesn't, but wait two weeks? I mean, by then her rebound would of probably ended, and she'll be feeling down.
Yes, wait a week or two between you initiating contacts. If every time you chat, she seems upbeat and really invested in the conversation, then you can reduce that time to 3-4 days. It's a judgement call and only you can be sure about it depending on how the conversations with your ex are going. Basically, as long as you are not coming off as needy and desperate when talking to her, you don't have to worry about who initiates first.
Yeah, my ex does seem happy and interested in talking to me. She actually initiated contact for the first time yesterday, and we talked a little. It was good, and she referred to an old memory we had by saying she was watching a film for the second time (the first time it was with me). Good signs, I presume?
Yes. :)
Hey Kevin,
It's been a while since we last spoke, and some things have changed. My ex agreed to meet me, and see me again, but she's not given me a date. She's simply said that she'll get back to me on it. It's been about 5 days, and still nothing. She did message me yesterday and showed me a picture of myself when I was younger (It was a yearbook type thing, and she was the editor). I mentioned how my picture was bigger (and more embarrassing) than the others around it, she simply said "It's just cause I love you".
Recently though, she's been feeling a bit off. Like she'll ignore some of my messages, and won't seem interested in talking to me anymore, other than the other day when she messaged me and said that.
Is this push/pull behavior, and what should I do?
Thanks
She is confused about her feelings towards you. She definitely still has feelings for you. But she also remembers that you two had a relationship before that ended in a breakup. It's more of a hot and cold behavior than push/pull (if it seems that she is pulling away without you pushing, that means she has an internal conflict). The most important thing here is to not give her a reason to pull away. In short don't push. Don't be needy. Don't be desperate. Let her process her emotions and confusion at her own pace. It might take time. If you can show how much you have changed and improved as a person, without making it obvious, then do so.
Yes that makes so much sense and even I've said that myself. He knows he hasn't lost me but once he sees he's losing me then he's gonna feel worried. I'm over the breakup it's just my feelings towards him. I'm open to dating. I feel ready to date. I just haven't found someone. Yes I'm still in love with him but I'm also open to try to give myself some happiness whether it's with or without him. Not that I need a man to give me happiness but I mean relationship wise I'm open to giving myself a chance.
He's still not ready so I can't wait for him. Yes I have my off days where I miss him like crazy and all I want is him but then when I pick myself up I'm happy again. I finally feel happy with myself, like sincerely happy with myself.
Hi. this is very great site and advice! i calmed for a moment and think about our relationship and our breakup. My boyfriend and i are 1 year and 4 mos together, until on Aug. 18(Tuesday) he broke up with me and I'm really surprise! we live together in the same apartment and i moved out already. I've been miserable because of our breakup and I really want to win him back. actually I'm planning to plead (a surprise sorry note with "can we be together again" letter) and search it to google and wasn't expecting this. I've given it a thought and do this plan! i really want him but wanting him is hurting me, and thank you so much because i realize something. I guess I'm doing the right thing right? :) im very happy bcoz of this site. IT IS WORTH READING!
sorry for my English xoxo
Hey Kevin,
Hope all is well. Haven't posted on her for maybe a month. So I haven't seen my ex for almost 2 months. I've been avoiding him. Last time we texted was like 1 week and a half ago and it was only about him picking up our daughter. Then we said bye and that was it.
So remember the girl that had messaged me and that her bf was in prison, well he just got out this past weekend and my ex's gf found out and started following him on instagram. The girl that messaged me told me how my ex's gf was messaging her bf through her sister's instagram and she told him she was still in love with etc.
My ex and his gf took each other off their bios on instagram but they take it off & put it back on a lot. But this time it's been a couple days.
So today my friend said she saw his facebook page and that he seemed sad I'm assuming he's posting sad statuses.
Now you'd think I'd get a little happy to hear he's sad. To know he's getting a taste of his own medicine but in reality I'm not happy. It actually hurts to know he's sad and not for the reason that I don't want him to hurt well I don't but for the reason that he's depressed over her. Hurt to know I didn't even bring that out in him. Maybe because I'm not petty like that and I dont wish him any bad.
Supposedly the first time we broke up he couldn't stop thinking about me & he missed me like crazy & he was sad yet never showed it nor posted anything about that. At least I never saw or heard anything.
Seems like she did him dirty before he even had the chance. Could it be he's sad cause its now being done to him? Another friend of mine saw that his gf started following her ex and said he's finally getting his karma. Which he sort of is but why am I not happy about?
I remember at first all I can think of and say was hope he gets a taste of his own medicine and she does him dirty so he knows what it feels like and he can realize he messed up by leaving me for some homewrecker. But instead I'm hurt cause he's hurting over her.
Or could it be he's hurting cause he realized the mistake he made? Well I'm assuming we can't be for sure since I don't know what the statuses say or what he posts (kind of scared to find out). Help Kevin please.
Hello Kevin,
So I ended up seeing him today. We hung out with our daughter. We went to the park and then went to meet up with his friend and then eat and then went to pick up another one of his friends. We were gonna go to his house well his plan I didn't even know most of the time where I was going he just kept driving around going from friend to friend. Only thing that surprised me was that he was actually bringing me along instead of after the park dropping me off.
He was even like I don't think she(our daughter) wants to go home yet. I'm not saying he was using her as an excuse but I got the feeling he enjoyed my presence. Like he wanted to be around me as well.
I didn't go to his house though I just asked him to drop me off home. We were cool all day joking and laughing. Having a good time. Except there was a time where he got a call and he kind of distanced himself from me so like I wouldn't hear. It hit me that he was most likely talking to her cause then I heard him asking what time do you want me to pick you up? But then why would he try taking us to his house right? Maybe it was that friend we picked up.
Either way I'm trying to not get my hopes up and Ima just try to be friends. For the sake of my heart. I'm still in love with him but I have to be ok with the idea of just being friends in some way. Cause he's still not giving me a clear sign of him wanting me therefore I can't try to make this into something it might not be. Help
Hey,
I think the reason he wasn't sad after you guys broke up is that he knows that you are still not over him and will take him back anytime he wants to come back. He doesn't think he has lost you. But he does think that he has lost that girl. The same way you thought you lost him after the breakup. Dealing with a loss is hard. Even if it was a rebound. If he ever really feels like that he lost you, he is going to be a lot more sad than he is now. But as long as you love him, he will know it at the back of his mind and he won't really have to deal with the pain of that loss.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for the article, it's very helpful. I just broke up with my ex for one week but we are still living together because of some financial issue. He said he loved and cared about me so much but he was not in love with me, so he couldn't see me in his future. I don't know what to do because the way he looks at me is still the same with before, but he just not in love with me anymore. Do you think the minimal contact idea will work on this? when if it works, I don't know how can I do that since we are still living together.
Hey Kim,
Read this article. It explains how to do no contact if you are living together.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend has recently just decided to end our relationship because she has some mental issues and feels as though she has to focus on herself and not be in a relationship. She said she had to figure things out and truly be happy on her own.
She told me that I was amazing in the relationship and that she still cared deeply about me and loved me, she just needs time to herself at the moment.
I asked her if it was the end for us forever and she said yes because she didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore.
I really care about this girl and am 100% devoted to her, I absolutely love her and think she is the one, what should I do?
Thank you so much!
Give her the space she needs and use the time to make yourself a better person. Follow the plan.
Thank you Kevin! I feel really bad for posting the other comments. I'll use the plan and go on from there. There's no need to respond to my other comments. Thanks again!
Ben
Hey Kevin!
So I started the no contact phase and I'm doing a bit better (minus the fight I got into with a bully from school. He was making fun of me, he got to close to me then I punched him. Which I feel bad about. Then he punched me and threw me on the ground. I walked away after that.) But before I got into the no contact phase, me and my ex were really good friends after the break up. The point I started it was when we had a REALLY good, deep talk (deep meaning we did what she liked the most. Using our imaginations.)
I got her interested in a new game and we just had a blast talking about it, as she knows more about it than I do.
When the conversation ended, I told her, like the Relationship Rewind told me to, that "I was glad we were good friends". She was a bit weirded out by this, but then cheerfully said "Goodbye" as we hung up.
Was what I did right? Or did I just bury myself a bigger grave?
Dear Kevin,
good day to you was amazing course i feel so much better now just thank you ,
i flow the steps one by one i read all the emails everything went perfect ,
she start to call me texting me phons calls not like before ,she send one messge told me im the most man i ever loved her and she want my friendship for ever ;) some times i fell she want me so much and sometimes if start talk about any future she love to remaind me that we are friends, so far im so gald we back together , but what is the next stop since she is coming for job interview this month she said; let us meet please for a drink as best friends for ever ,
as usual please an advice
all the best Kevin
Adam
Hey Kevin,
You were right. I did go through a meltdown. It hit me hard! I didn't get the job which bummed me out really bad. I felt terrible like a loser, a failure, and then I started to remember about him. I felt like I ended up at square one again. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.
I felt so depressed. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I started feeling pain, anger, hate, and just all the negative again.
On the fourth day I seen a post on Facebook about a place that was hiring. I turned in my resume and I got a call for an interview. Interview went great. The recruiter and supervisor liked me and the recruiter said he'd try his best to put me in. That made me see the positive again.
I'm feeling strong about this job. This might be the one. After the interview I felt so much better. I guess it's true when one door closes another door opens. I guess the other job wasn't meant to be at least not yet.
For a while I felt how I did in the beginning of my breakup like I was being punished. Things just weren't looking good for me. I was even asking myself why is he happy, in a relationship and have it good and everything he wants and I'm being punished. But I feel strong again. I feel like I got this. I'm determined to live my life and not waste my youth.
Hey e.p.,
That's great. I am glad you are feeling strong again. Just remember whenever you are feeling down that it's just a phase and it shall pass. And every time you will come out the other end stronger than before. Good luck.
Yes I will remember that. Thank you :)
So, I took all of the steps and didn't break the no contact rule for 30 days. At the end of the 30 days my ex texted me and then called me three times. I did not answer him. A few days later we went out and asked if I was going out too, I said 'yes' and he began to tell me about his new gf. Turns out it was all a lie to make me jealous. At the bar I acted like nothing bothered me and I was having the time of my life. When I left, he texted me asked where I was. We got into a fight and then decided to meet up to talk about our relationship. He told me how much he missed me and how he wants to try things again. He included how he wants to limit his time from the bar and we need to put things in the past and start fresh. We talked about his family and how much they miss me and discussed our breakup. After this we slept together. The next morning we decided that I would go over the following day and he would make me dinner. We took a nap together, watched tv, and he fixed my car. Everything seemed great! The next day I didn't hear from him. I texted him and no answer. Its been three weeks and nothing?
Hey Cara,
It seems that you agreed to getting back together too quickly. You should have taken things slow. I think you should do no contact again. For a month. This time, don't agree to getting back together or sleeping with him so quickly. Let him prove that he really wants you and that things will be different now. If he is not willing to do so, then you should move on.
Mr. Kevin
I am agree with your article.
Before reading your article, i was hopeless but now i am ready to face those 30days (no contact).
Thanks Alot mr. Kevin for giving a greatfull hope
I am Lesbian, does this work the same for us?
Which do I follow, wanting to get my girl or man back?
We both have feme qualities and neither of us are the 'man'.
Hey,
I suggest following the guide to get your ex boyfriend back. A few of the emails (in the later stages) might not apply to you. But all the emails and advice related to breakup and your ex remains the same.
I have read all your information I am going to give this a try. I have been going about things the wrong way I have been doing all the things you say not to do. mine and my boyfriends break up was very unexpected.
Hey again Kevin! Soo.. i can't link my story, but it's early may i know.. a month passed by, and went to fill up my arm with a dreamcatcher tattoo last sunday, i wrote to my ex because it seemed like we had something to talk about, like i wrote in the other comments, he has tattoos too! When i was about to end the conversation, i wrote to him that he can write to me whenever he want, (facebook messenger) . On monday, he wrote, and he has wrote to me since monday now, and it's thursday morning right now! he wrote to me last night, and he asked me if i could help him with song text.. he put a video on facebook just so i could see it, he sang about a lovestory, i was positive and told him it sounded good, and now i'm kind of confused.. isn't it kind of weird to send it to me, 3 days after we started talking? Do you think it's a sign of something? i just need advice right now.. i'm going to keep talking to him as a friend, please help!
Lovisa
Hi Kevin,
Not sure why my messages never go beyond moderation. Am I missing any step here?
Hey Mishi,
I rarely approve comments here anymore. Please post on the message boards.
Thank you so much Kevin :)
Hello Kevin,
I just posted from my computer and it says awaiting moderation but it won't show that on my phone. Just wondering if it went through.
Hello Kevin,
I've been doing a little better now since I last posted. I still miss him but I'm okay. Right now im working on getting into this job that I really want and I'm almost in so thats been keeping me distracted. I know once I start working I'll be happier and my focus will be on that instead of him. I had too much free time that made me think of him but now I'm excited to start working. I'm excited to start being independent for my daughter and myself. I no longer want to depend on anyone for anything, not even my happieness. I feel happier now.
Again I'm still in love with him but there's nothing I can do anymore. I've given my all and he knows that. He knows what I offer and what I expect from him. Now its all up to him but I'm only focused on that job and moving forward with my daughter. I want nothing but the best for her.
As for if we were ever in a healthy relatonship longer than 6 months, we were. The serious issues of him doing all those things didn't start till last year(March 2014). That's when he started doing everything and I started to feel unattractive and all those bad things. But all that is the past. It happened and that will never change. I'm just trying to move on from the past. I no longer hold any hate, anger, grudges, anything. I realized only way to truly be happy is to let it all go from my heart and let nothing but happiness and positive vibes in my heart. Like you've said in the past none of this will matter in the future(his actions now, our past).
I have bigger problems to worry about than him right now and whether or not he's still with her or not. Oh and supposedly she's in "rehab", so he says. Anyways thank you. Lets hope i don't relapse.
That's great e.p. I am glad you are feeling better. I am sure you will only feel stronger and happier and from now. If you have off days and feel down sometimes, just accept them for what they are and let them pass (they WILL pass). Good luck with the new job. :)
Hey Kevin,
I am back.
We continued 2 weeks after. So your techniques work. Thanks so much.
We had and have much problems, yet I felt good about being together mostly...
Now, it's over again...
I guess the reasons must be something like:
1. I had really stupid behavior from time to time. For example: ignoring her for hours if she didn't sent a kiss back to my kiss msg. That made her cry and really frightened. I messed up big.
2. I restrict her too much she said. I don't fully agree but in some way ok. Also not enough trust.
3. Not enough appreciating and thanking for what she does for me.
So this unbelievable story happened:
Monday I was upset that she was going off until late for 7th time in 3 weeks later this week. I said stupid threat words: if you are really going, we will break up. Next morning she read and kind of said ok we can breakup. She left phone at home, really unusual. Late midday I called work phone. Instead of showing my feelings of fear/missing her/saying sorry I just said stupid things again that must have sounded like I was judging her. At first she sounded friendly, later much more venomous. She said she would read my msg's later. I asked if we are breaking up. She said most likely.
Late evening Whatsapp msg’s got delivered but not read. Little time later she removed and blocked Fb.
I called her (no answer) and eventually house phone. Her mother said she heared from her we are over. I said we are not. Her mother said goodbye forever. The mother always really really really hated me, and gf always defended me. Idk what happened exactly but looks like this was her chance to totally firewall daughter and turn gf against me.
Since Whatsapp was still not read, I send some texts saying this is a big misunderstanding and we should talk. No reply.
Next day of course she didn’t show up at our date. Still no replies.
I sent cry videos (cause I was extremely upset) that I didn’t mean it this way. A bit later she read everything.
She removed and blocked me from Whatsapp too.
From my other phone I know that she very likely hasn’t been online on Whatsapp since then. Which makes me assume she changed cell number in just 2 days.
I talked with best gf of her who confirmed we are over (above reasons came to talk).
Today I went to her work, but she wasn’t there.
And that’s it. No break up talk even. She disappeared from the earth. How I know her, this is completely against her own core rules. That makes it even more strange.
Kevin what’s your opinion?
Dear Kevin,
I thought about it a bit more…
I think my ex will have a 3-phase system.
1. Early time after the breakup: high defenses.
2. Mid time: A liquid, persuadable phase. Hard to tell when. (If there at all.)
3. Late time: Solid phase where the breakup becomes unchangeable. “It’s just the best for us this way.”
Reason: We have differences that can’t be solved without attachment/feelings for each other.
So as soon as she enters the solid phase there is no chance of getting back together.
I think that’s why she fully blocks me. She knows she can’t let me go, unless she does a hard aggressive cold remove of everything in her life that reminds her of me. Fighting all her emotions until the rational mind has fully taken over. That must be why she allowed her mother to take control.
Also, she doesn’t know enough I love her because I told too less. She deserved more affection. (In contrast with a part of STEP 1.)
I know I am too much outcome depended at this moment. But she feels to special to me besides the normal girlfriend stuff.
I am at day 5 of NC.
1. What is best to do?
2. Do you think her way of breaking up is indifference or is it something else?
Always thank you Kevin.
Hi
So i have come back together with my ex-girlfriend. But now iam in a kinda wired situation... I changed a lot but she didnt changed at all (even the reasons why i broke up with her) I want to trust her but i cant. Sometimes she even makes me nervous when iam around her. Dont know what to do now...
nice greets
Hey again Kevin! So i've been ignoring him now for a while, for 5 days ago he wrote to me, when he was busy at a concert! i answered, but kept it short. I was at the gym when he wrote, and yesterday he saw my new tattoo, i'm working on a sleeve! he wrote to me ' next time you work on the sleeve you have to do it nearby me ' i asked him ' what? ' and he said ' so i can see it ' i answered him short but i kept a good tone, it was a nice conversation! i was about to go to sleep so i ended the conversation with goodnight! what do you think about this? what do you think i should do next?
Lovisa
So I noticed he took the thing off his bio but I know it doesn't mean anything. I'm going to believe he still has feelings for me cause you said you're sure and well outside point of views are sometimes better and can see the bigger picture. But I do think moving on can help. Going on dates maybe. I know my feelings for him won't go away but I can still try dating.
To be honest I still have hope not as much as before but it's still there. In my heart that's why what I want.
You know I'm now starting to fully see the picture and starting to actually understand more what you've been telling me this whole time. I mean I've understood it all along but I'm it's now making sense.
I need to move on and not as in move on to another guy and leave my feelings behind and just act like I never loved him but move on as in from all the pain and hurt its caused me. In order for us to even have a future and for that future to be healthy I need to let go of everything. Meaning fears, pain, regrets, anger, everything.
I need to be a changed woman in order for him to see me as a better version of myself. It kept me thinking a lot on what he said when we spoke and I quote "you took everything, you accepted everything I did". It had me thinking on how he sees and knows that I'll always take him back and that he can continue playing games and I'll be waiting. He saw me as a weak woman. That made me realize that I need to change and show him that's not the case.
I was reading a book named "why men marry b*tches" and its says that men are into women that aren't afraid to make their own decisions, who aren't afraid to speak out with their own opinions. That makes the woman different from any other one. That was my mistake. I lost all those things and I did what he liked. I taught him to think that of me, to think I'll always be here regardless. I allowed it and did nothing in time to change it cause I was afraid to lose him. Now that I've lost him I really don't have anything to lose but to gain.
The only way to change his mind and view on me is to become a strong woman. A woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself. A woman who will no longer take bs from anyone. Only then will he see that and maybe want to give us a try but when that day comes it will take more than just my love for him to take him back.
He's going to have to prove himself to me. Show me that we can have a future and that he's done playing games. That he's ready to settle and be a family man. Only then will we work out. If I was to take him back right now I wouldn't take bs from him but I'd probably forgive some of it. I have work to do and I need to do this change alone.
After I made the decision to stay away I've been dreaming with him even more. I miss him like crazy. I think about him all day. All I want is to be around him and go back to when we use to have a good time but I know I can't. Not now.
I know I need to do this, for both of us. I swear in my heart and even when we use to speak and just how we would get along. He's the one. He said the same and so did all his family. I guess this is something we need to go through but I'm really trying to be strong.
I know this is what I need to do but it's just so hard. My live for him hasn't even faded not one bit every time I see him I realize I'm still so deep in love with him.
Kevin?
Hey e.p.,
I know it's hard but you will first have to start believing that he might not be the one for you. He cheated on you several times and made you feel bad about yourself. There is a very slight chance he might one day become someone worthy enough of having your love, but you should not count on it. What you are going through is one of the many stages of grief after breakup. In your case, because you have to stay in touch with your ex due to your child, it's taking a lot longer for you to accept the breakup and move on. And you have relapsed quite a few time. Remember I told you it's going to be a roller coaster ride. The love you are feeling for him is actually the result of the pain that comes with grief. Your mind is just assuming that if you are in pain without him, then you must love him. And it's making you forget all the bad things about the relationship and only concentrate on the good times you had with him.
But how much of your relationship was actually good? And how much of it was him cheating on you, making you feel needy, desperate, and unattractive? Were either one of you truly in a healthy relationship for more than 6 months?
There are a lot of things you can do to put things in perspective. I am a fan of writing things down. Now when it comes to dealing with grief, writing whatever comes to your head is not a good tactic. Instead, writing on worksheets designed to question your beliefs about the relationship and your ex is very helpful. Since this website is more focused on getting an ex back and not getting over a breakup, I haven't written about that much. But I will recommend you look into some of the authors who have worked in this area. Susan J. Elliott has written a lot about it in her book "getting past your breakup". You should look into it. She also has a website with a support group focused on this.
Now again, you have to shift your focus from getting him back to getting over him. And if getting over him requires you to give up all hope of getting back together, then so be it. It will be painful, but you will come out the other end stronger and happier than you have ever been.
Ok, you are on the right track here but you are on it for the wrong reasons. You should not become that woman for him. You should become that woman for yourself. If you are doing it for him, then you are still a weak woman who would go to any lengths to be with a man who cheated on her multiple times, disrespected her, left her and is living with a drug addict.
Good morning. I've had some trouble lately. I've tried the no contact, but my Ex seems to want to still talk and hangout every now and then. About a month ago, we broke up. She was being distant and was unsure if she wanted to be with me because of her trust issues she has from our past. After we broke up, I tried being distant and it was working for the most part. She started to say I love you more, and how much she missed us, which she wasn't doing when we were together. So, things went back to wasn't doing when we were together. So, things went back to normal and yesterday we talked and we decided to call things off again. She loves me, but can't get herself to move on from our past and trust me. That's what is holding her back from being in love with me again. She still wants to hangout and each other. To her, she doesn't have to trust me if we're not together, but she can still have our relationship without really being in one of that makes sense. "She said she wishes it was me but we can't always get what we want" and also said " maybe in the future we can be together, but not now". What should I do?
Its been 5 days since we last spoke. My birthday is coming up next week, so i assume she will text me, but just wanted to add that.
Hey Kevin. Was just wondering if you could reply to my situation. Above. To add more, she came over without me knowing the other day bc my mom had a graduation gift for her. We grabbed a slice of pizza. The next time she asked me to come over bc she got in a huge fight with her parents and just needed me to be there for her. And my birthday is Monday and she said something is being delivered to my house but she probably won't be able to hangout. Which I'm fine with. But please respond to my three posts. Not sure what to do.
Hey Justin,
I see you first commented here last year. Has this been going on for more than a year now? So you never really applied no contact, you are not really in a relationship with her, and you are not letting yourself become emotionally available for someone else? I think since it has been a long time, it will be a good idea to do no contact. Tell her that you need time for yourself and you cannot let yourself continue in a situation like this. Tell her that if she is ready to start a relationship and trust you, she can be with you, but if she is not, then you need to move on. It's time for an ultimatum. One year is a lot of time to spend waiting for a maybe.
I am in same situation and did applied for NC where she got in touch with me after approx. 40 days.And we have been touch thru email or once in while a call from her.I am also been waiting for more than one year now and I am applying for 2nd NC and if she replies back I will give her ultimatum.I cant be in this situation all my life,i already gave her one year and made so many changes in myself.
I know I try not to think about him. Only thing is if he was showing good signs why does he act this way? Could he still have feelings for me and is hiding them and keeping them to himself just cause he's not ready to settle down?
Hey,
This is exactly the kind of over analysing I was talking about. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter in the long run. Even if he does have feelings for you, it's better you don't get back together right now. And if he doesn't have feelings for you, it's better if you don't get back together right now. Their is only one thing that's good for both of you, to accept the breakup and carry on with your lives.
Hey Kevin!
I must say, everything you mentioned above is totally accurate. And i realize what I've done these past few days to get him back was wrong. (Texting and calling and crying over the phone on how much i want it to work)
It's hard Kevin. It really is. We have been together for almost 4 years now and we're about to hit our 5th in 2 months. I'd really really like if we end up together again because it is indeed hard to unlove someone who stole all the first things from me. (Eg. Kiss, and um i don't wanna mention the rest.)
But yeah I hope this works :(
So he's still posting pictures of her apparently and he put on his bio on instagram "I know what I want in life?" I know the diamond stands for her cause that's what he calls her. Like if she's such a diamond. Anyways he says she's his diamond. That only means that by that he means he knows he wants her in his life.
I'm starting to believe he really is completely over me and that he has no feelings left for me. Even if he said "in the future I can be that guy for you" he was just saying it to say it.
Also he has our daughter this weekend. His mom took her I still haven't seen him and I'm kind of avoiding him. I don't want to see him cause I'm hurt. I don't know if he's going to drop her off on Sunday but I'm hoping his mom does.
I hoped he'd realize he wanted to work on himself and want to work it out for our family after the talk but I was wrong. He seems to be serious about her and I'm starting to think this isn't a rebound relationship.
Help Kevin.
So I just saw him. Its midnigh. He came to drop her off. I was so cold and distant. He felt it. It wasn't on purpose it just happened. He gave me a look like he felt it. But the look also looked tender like a look he us to give me. Now I'm just in tears
Hey e.p.
Like I said before, you need to stop focusing so much on him. You will gain nothing from this except pain. He is young and for him to become mature enough for a relationship with you might take YEARS. So it's better to just forget about getting back with him and concentrate on moving on. If it's meant to be, it will be. You did everything you could. There is nothing you can do more. Over analysing every little thing and every interaction with him will just drive your crazy.
Hey Kevin,
This page has been so helpful and is getting me through my break up. However I have 2 questions. 1st) My ex is having a party and its coming close to the end of my no contact period. He will most probably invite me, should I go? 2nd) After no contact period, how often should I space out my texts? Example: once a week, once a month?
1) If he invites you and you think you are ready (feeling confident, won't act needy) then yes you can go.
2) It depends on how warm he is to your texts. If you guys are having good conversations. Then you can text him every 3-4 days. The key is to give him a little bit of time to initiate after initiating yourself.
Hello Kevin,thank you for your help.So to catch you up to speed ,one day after i posted here,she wrote me by a mistake and the next day she removed all of our photos.As i mentioned the last time i had her on the phone she was angrily claiming that she didn't reach out to me ,which provoked my reaction ,because i asked her out 2 times in a row before that and she agreed initially ,but then declined.Do you think she has feelings for me?Do you think i need to give up on her?.Or is it better to wait?I honestly don't know what to do.The last time i spoke with her was 11 days ago.Your help will be much appreciated.She still has not uploaded any photos with the new guy and most likely removed ours ,because she has seen my profile and has noticed that i've removed every picture of us together,so she did the same.
Thank you,
Stoyan
Hey Stoyan,
I feel like you two are sort of in the post breakup competition. Trying to see which one is doing better, while in reality you are both doing pretty bad. I think you should continue no contact and send an apology letter (or email) like I said in my last comment.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your help.You are right ,i am doing pretty bad.I don't know if she removed the pictures ,cause she took a look at my profile or she just decided she doesn't want to hear about me anymore.I would very much would like to apologize,but the last time i did she started acting cold.I don't think she would appreciate it.I don't understand her behavior at all.But i do think she is doing much better than me.The last time she wrote was 11 days ago.So if i decide to apologize,how should i approach that?I mean should i apologize
and wait 2 weeks(isn't that too much), or should i apologize and let it go,maybe wait to hear from her?Also what do you think about her feelings.Could you explain her behavior?Is she confused or just trying to show me she is better without me?
Thank you,
Stoyan
Yes, she is confused. And is probably trying to look like she is doing better than you. The reason for an apology is to let her know that you acknowledge the fact that you have been acting inappropriately and it's because you are hurt from the breakup. And letting her know that you need time to heal from this so you don't act the same way when you are in contact again. Hopefully after reading the letter, she will also think about the way she is acting and will probably start letting go of the negativity and the petty competitiveness between you two and actually start focusing on healing. She might even contact you and if she does, you can either start talking to her normally (if you think you can) or just tell her that you need some more time and hopefully in the future you both can be good friends. Whatever you do, don't repeat the same mistake you did before. Acting out after she refused to meet you. Act mature, not needy. If you think you are not ready for that, simply ask her for some time. Be honest about your emotional state. And if she doesn't contact you, then continue no contact until the time you are feeling good about yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 and make sure you have done each one of them. And when you think you are ready, contact her.
Hi again Kevin! i don't talk to my ex and i'm constantly trying to work on myself and not trying to think about my ex.. but he still keeps liking instagrampictures on me! is that a good or a bad thing? maybe because we had a ' good ' breakup he already moved on, what do you think? i would really need some advice/ help right now.. thank you!
Oh and i'm kind of confused about one thing.. should i keep the no contact in 30 days, or should i write to him sooner? i'm confused about that because we had a 'good' breakup, do you Kevin think he move on faster than a month because of that? i know i'm going to wait until i've moved on, but i don't know really.. i would really need some advice :/
Thanks!
It depends on you. If you think you are ready before 30 days. Then go ahead and contact him. 30 is just a number. It's more about YOUR state of mind and how you use the no contact period to improve yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. Try to do each one of those things before ending no contact.
Hey again, yes i think it's better to contact him after i feel fine again, but i'm a bit worried that he already moved on before 30 days.. what do you think? i'm confused :/
Thanks, Lovisa
Hey Kevin,
You're right I should just be myself and act like how I've been acting now. Not going to be anything more. Yes I did accept the break up well because I have no other choice. It is what it is. That's the situation right now so thats what I have to accept and just roll with the punches.
Yes I still wanted to be with him even after he cheated but I then decided it couldn't be that way anymore and I couldn't handle that. Too painful. I want him to see that my priority is my daughter and not him cause I'm sure he thinks he'll always be one of them. My priority is my daughter she's the only reason I had this talk for.
Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?
Oh and ever since I talked to him he has posted a picture of his girlfriend each night On instagram, so far there's 2. Might be another one tonight but I won't know cause I asked my friend to stop sending me screenshots of them, they hurt. But still hasn't even bothered to ask for his daughter.
This one said patiently waiting. He told me when we talked and he brought her up that she's in rehab. Either way I don't know if he's trying to convince everyone since he hadn't posted a picture of her in a long time.
Also the picture he posted of her was very revealing like I can see everything. Its a picture a photographer took but not like glam shot it's more of a lingerie shot. It's clear he wants to show off what he has.
He's the type of boyfriend that likes to show off his girlfriend but not like that. He doesn't like guys seeing his girl like that. Almost naked. He's the jealous/over protective type. It shocked me he would post that picture of her.
What do you think about all this? His behavior.
I answered you here.
Sorry I just seen it. Thank you Kevin! You're right. I shouldn't stress it. Just let everything play out how it should. I guess he finally realized he can't be with me anymore and play games. He has to be serious to be with me. Thank you once again Kevin :)
Dear kevin.
I have sent 2 messages to you, and I still have not gotten any response or seen them even posted. Is anyone going to help me with what's going on with my problems or talk to me about it so I can't stop flying blind. I would really appricate it please and thank you. When I do it just says waiting for approval and then when I refresh the page it's gone.
My use name is jrw2188 and my name is Justin wood
Hey,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards and it will be approved shortly.
Thank you its good to know I did great. I hope he takes all this to heart and starts changing at least for our daughter. A friend sent me a screenshot of what he posted on his instagram and it was a picture of her saying no one makes me happier than you. That hurt but I know he's with her so it wasn't a shocker.
He hasn't texted me or called me since the party. I didn't say bye to him when I was leaving from the party cause I wasn't gonna go up to him when he was with some guys just to say bye. I would've looked stupid and needy.
I feel he still has feelings for me but like you said he knows that coming back to me means he needs to settle down. I know he's not ready to settle down yet. He said maybe in a few years he can be that guy for me but right now he's not that guy. Meaning in the future.
Yeah I had to make it cLear that I don't want to get back until he's ready and sure that he's done playing games. I'm not going to tell him I'm not going to wait for him. I am going to try to move on. Also so he could feel that there is a possibility of losing me. Like you said it might help him grow up faster if he feels he's actually losing me and that I won't be there forever.
It's time for me to let my actions do the talking. I know with him this situation it all comes down to patience. What do you think I should do or act whenever he decides to come for our daughter? Should I act more distant? Or act like how I've been acting? Just calm & cool? I don't want to be a b*tch after this since I'm trying for him to be around our daughter more.
Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by "he will start seeing me in a new light"?
Hey e.p,
I think you should just be yourself. You don't need to act distant as long as you don't act needy. Just act like how you have been acting till now. I think you made it clear that you have accepted the breakup and you are strong. If I recall correctly, you always wanted to be with him even after he cheated on you repeatedly. Right now, you have laid it out clearly that your priority is your daughter and yourself. Not him.
^^ This is what I meant by new light.
From your conversation with him, I got the impression that you both realised that you are too good for him and that he needs to grow up to be with you. So if he sees a future with you (which he said maybe in the future he can be that guy), then he still has feelings for you and is still hoping to get back in the future.
I wouldn't overthink him sharing pictures of his gf. He is acting strange. A lot of people act strange (do what they normally wouldn't do in a serious relationship) in a rebound relationship. There is no point in analysing it.
What can you do about the no contact when there is a child involved?
Hey,
I wrote about it in this article.
Hey Kevin,
So I spoke with him on Saturday at a party. We were alone and I decided I would bring up the issue of him not being around our daughter.
It started out cause he told me that, that one girl that had messaged me had messaged him saying she knew where he lived etc. I told him I would take care of it cause I wouldn't want him to make it into something bigger and if my daughter was to be there god forbid something happen to her. I spoke to her and she said they wouldn't go to his house.
Anyways so then I told him I have to be straight up with you, you need to be there more for you daughter. You disappearing for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing is not ok. You don't know the pressure & stress I have and how painful it is for her to ask for you. I started crying cause I felt really hurt by that he hugged me and said he knew he was f*ckng up.
At that moment when I was in his arms I felt weak so I stepped back. I told him you know what it feels like to have a dad be there one day & the next day gone. I don't know if one day you don't come back. I said if you're gonna be doing that then just make it easier for her now & leave us alone. He nodded his head no and said that's not what I want.
I told him I don't want that either believe I want you there for her. He then started to like bring us up and I told him yes we have our issues but thats not what I'm talking about. We could put all that aside for our daughter's sake. He said he I love you and care about you but I'm not in love with you. I told him I respect that you know I don't hide my feelings and you know I'm still in love with you but that shouldn't interfere with you being a dad.
He then started saying I was too good for him that I deserved better and that maybe in the future he can be that guy for me but right he's not. I told him I do deserve better but the problem is, is that I wanted you to be that better for me. You know I always talked about a future with you. He just nodded his head yes and said you took so much. You accepted everything I did even when I hurt you. It hurt me to hurt you that's why I let you go.
I told him this break up was a good thing cause I'm finding myself cause before I was your shadow. What ever was your step was my step. I told him I didn't accept it but I tried to work on it because that's what you do when you love someone you accept their flaws and try to move forward. I said I'm not gonna lie that their was a time that I thought having you some way was better than not having you at all, but I got tired of that.
He said he did a f*cked up thing to me and that he felt bad and that it was shady. His friend was there too and he then told him she's right. You did a f*cked up thing and you're f*cking up on your dad responsibilities. What she has for you is unconditional love and yeah right now you're not ready for her love. He then told him want to know why I don't come around as much anymore? Cause I don't like your girlfriend. She's bad influence on you. She's not right for you.
I told him he's right. I then started telling him she doesn't motivate you to do better. You're a 21 year old man grow up already. I was trying to be your motivation but you're deciding the easy life. I told him you're not a bad person but you're deciding to make bad choices.
I then told him I'm not trying to convince you to take me back that's not what I'm doing here and I want you to know that and he said I know. I said even if we wanted to right now we wouldn't work out cause you're not ready. He then said something about her and I said I don't know if you're with her out of pitty or cause you like or love her and then he told me maybe I am with her out of pitty maybe it is just cause I feel bad for her but that's what it is right now.
I said well I don't know but that's your business. He then said again you're too good for me. He said I knoe you'll always have my back and be there for me. I will too. I just told him look all I want is for you to be there for our daughter. Me and you are a different situation I have to respect your choice and feelings and I expect you to respect mine. I said just everything you do think of how it may affect our daughter.
Part of me feels like he still feels something for me cause he's told me the first time we broke up for 5 months that didn't love me anymore but yet still did. He admitted he just wants to have fun. I told him I know you're only interested in partying, drinking and seeing how many girls you can get. but you're better than this, this isn't you and hurts to see you do bad. His friend was telling me how he knew since he met me I was good for my ex and this girl isn't.
He said I'm sure he'll come back to you but right now you need to be strong and be strong for your daughter cause he's not where you want him to be and he's not going to be anytime soon until he sees he's really losing you.
There was a lot more said but this is long enough. What do you think Kevin?
I think you did great. You were strong, honest and didn't show any signs of neediness. I am sure he still has feelings for you and after this incident he will start seeing you in a new light. But that doesn't necessarily mean he will want to come back anytime soon. For him, coming back to you means settling down. If he is only 21, he is probably not ready to settle down yet. And it could take years for him to reach that point. I think it's great that you made it clear that you won't take him back until he is ready. But you should also make it clear that you won't be waiting for him forever. I don't think you need to say it. But you should start considering the option of truly moving on. It might help him grow up faster, or it might make him realise that he doesn't want a family life right now. Either ways, it will be good for both of you.
Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?
Please help Kevin
Hey again Kevin!
So i've calmed down a bit right now.. i told him 4 days after he wrote to me, that i think it's better to stop the contact for awhile, and i will write to him when i feel ready. He said 'okey fine ' to that, but he keeps sending me snapchats about random things.. i just ignore them.. do you have any answers of why he's still keeping contact? is it because he's already okey and just want to be friends, or if it's something else? i'm scared of it's that he sees me just as a friend and he thinks everything's fine between us!
I go to the gym almost everyday right now and trying to be with friends and work as much as i can, and sometimes it feels okey, sometimes not.. i think, just because we broke up because of unnecessary fights, and we said we wanted to be with eachother but we can't, i just find it hard to not see us together after we've moved on.. i don't know, guess i have to see it if we meet up in summer!
And that about working on myself.. before we broke up, we met eachother and talked about everything in our relationship, i did admit to him that things i did we're stupid and i had done that in other relationships but he made me realize what i did, so i told him i did want to work on that ! like, when we had a argument, he could never win because i was so stubborn, but he is really stubborn too so the fights never ended.. and i said to him that i realize what i did wrong before we broke up, after we broke up, i think he saw it as he had the upper hand.. because i told him i wanted another chance, and he said he didn't know.. but after that, he told me he wanted to be with me, but we can't right now! after i ignored him for awhile, he started to write! before i write to him, i have to have a clear mind and feel good again :/
Hi Kevin,
My break-up situation is a little different. But, I'm hoping that you can help me. So, here goes...
I stumbled across your site this morning as my ex was on my mind (asperusual) and I want to contact him via a letter.
I broke the rules (I wish i knew of the NC rules at the time) and my ex ended up cutting me off. He changed his number and deleted his email account. This was over a year ago now, but I really miss him. I realize that I messed up by bombarding him with texts and sending him the occasional email. My mistake was apologizing for getting angry at him in some of my texts, then going right back to doing the very thing I promised him I wouldn't do again.
I thought that if I continued to text him it would show him how serious I am about wanting to be with him. And show him how much I needed and wanted him. Which was a huge mistake.
The last contact we had was a text he sent me wanting to see me early last year, but I couldn't see him because I was away. I feel that me not being able to see him fuelled his anger towards me. Because in his eyes if I love him as much as I profess in my texts why am I constantly rejecting his requests to see me? A huge part of the reason why he cut me off was because I was never available to see him when he wanted to see me. So to him my texts were just words.
Anyhoo, what I'd like to ask you is would the NC rule apply to me? He still has the SIM card/number, he just isn't using the SIM in a phone. But every now and again he does use the SIM. I sent him a text saying I missed him about 2mths ago but he didn't reply.
I miss him to the point of crying for him. Losing him really hurts, I'm in so much pain that I sometimes don't feel like I can go on living without him. He made me so happy. I've been really, really unhappy without him.
Something in me as much as I want to move on keeps telling me not to give up and to hold on. I've been advised by family members and friends to go and see him. But, I'm a little wary of doing that, because I don't know what response/reaction I'll get. I'd much more prefer to mail him a hand written letter, than go and see him. I'm really confused and don't know what to do.
Please help!
Thank you in advance
PS, I'm 32 and my ex just turned 36...
Louise
Hey Louise,
First of all, I'd advice you to stay away from your ex as long as you feel like you can't live without him. If you are still so hurt over losing him and are always unhappy, then you need to rebuild your life without him. You need to learn to be happy without him in your life. Unless you can do that, I will not recommend you contact him or go to see him. If you can't seem to handle the breakup grief yourself, then get help. Go to a therapist. Join a support group.
When you reach a point where you are OK with the breakup and not having him in your life, then you should go ahead and contact him. You can use any method outlined in the article above. And if his response is positive, then you can ask to meet him. But before anything else, you should be OK with the breakup and be happy despite not having him in your life.
Thank you so much for replying Kevin. After being in a relationship with him for eleven years on and off, the thought of never seeing him again has been extremely difficult. He was like a best friend to me as well as my partner. I'm so used to being able to pick up the phone and call him and vice versa. I really miss him being a part of my life. I will take your advice on board and rebuild my life before making contact with my ex again.
Thanks Kevin, You helped me! :)
Well some friends and one of his cousins are the ones that told me that they think he is. They're not sure themselves but I can see why saying all of that to then would be irrelevant since I have no proof whatsoever and that can start some drama up I don't want. Thank you for that. I was thinking it over a lot cause I felt that was harsh for me to say.
About him leaving for 2-3 weeks, that I am going to talk to him about. You're right I should just tell him about the facts not the things I hear of what other people think and aren't even sure of. Thank you so much.
I do feel stupid for even considering to tell him something like that. I had wrote that a couple days ago but everyday the feeling of me wanting to him that kept fading everyday. I had already even considered not telling him anymore. Thank you for reassuring me that telling him that would be a terrible thing.
Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I've been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?
Hello Kevin. I need some advice. So I'm not sure if he is but I just want him to know just in case he decides. I plan to say all this in person since I feel in text he won't take me seriously. Do you think this is ok? What I'm saying to him? Do you think this could make him start thinking about changing his ways? As a guy would this make you think?
"I need to talk to you about something very serious. You might hate me after & not want to talk to me but it needs to be said. I would hate to find out that you're getting involved into harder drugs with this girl. Honestly I use to admire your hustle, your grind. You were a hardworking man & I maybe never showed that but I did appreciate what you did for our daughter & I.
Now you've changed so much. Anything that happens to you hurts me & not only cause of the love I have for you but because you're my daughter's dad. You have to think if anything bad was to happen to me she would be given to you & if you're in bad steps how can I feel safe knowing she will be with you. Anything bad happens to you it also affects her not only yourself & honestly I don't want you disappearing from her life but you have the tendency of doing that. She sees you one week you disappear for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing. You don't bother to ask how she's doing or anything.
If you're hitting some hard drugs I'd hate to see you go down for some girl that isn't bettering your life or even doing anything to motivate you. If you're gonna be disappearing on our daughter & hit hard drugs & you're gonna be killing yourself slowly then I don't want you around our daughter. Just act like you don't have a kid. Now I'm not sure if you are but I'm just letting you know in case you are. I don't want our daughter growing up having to deal with a dad being there one day & disappearing the next.
I never had a dad to begin with but you know the feeling of having your dad & then he's no longer there. I want you to always be with our daughter. I never want her to not have you. I know you adore her, but you have to start thinking like the grown man you are. You're going backwards.
That's not who you are. Maybe you once we're back when you were 13-16 but you had changed & you were changing for the better & now you're becoming someone who I don't even know. See that everyone around you that you're pushing away are the people trying to help you, not your enemy. Believe me we all want nothing but the best for you.
Your family adores you & it hurts them to see you do bad. It hurts me too. We're not together anymore but you'll forever be her dad & therefore I will always care about you. Know that it's time to grow up & make some changes in your life. I know you'd love to give the world to our daughter. Give her nothing but the best but to give her that you have to make some changes.
I felt the need to tell you something because I know no one else will tell you. I'm trying to motivate you into becoming a better dad, a better person. I told you once before & ima tell you again, I'm always gonna have your back & be there for you but as long as you're there for our daughter. If you can't be there for our daughter then don't expect me to be there for you. If you don't care enough to show that to her then you're basically dissing me too. What's done to her is done to me.
I let a lot of things slide for the love I have for you but no more. I can't continue making up excuses for you. Don't worry I will never throw dirt on your name to her. That'll be up to her to judge you from how you act with her. I know you're better than this.
I know you have all these goals in life. I'm always gonna try to motivate you. Always gonna be behind you 100% but you need to make some changes. I get that we all need our fun years but there's a difference especially when you have a kid. You're young & want to have fun but you need to realized what you're sacrificing for your temporary fun.
I really hope you take all this in consideration & that when you decide to act on it, it's not too late. Our daughter & I will always love you no matter what but you have some things to work on & changes to make. Just like I do. We're still growing."
well not the part of forget you have a kid cause that's too harsh.
Hey e.p.,
Unless you have proof that he is doing hard drugs or have heard something like this from friends or family, I'll not advise it. You will just come off as an overprotective mother and he will probably respond as a rebellious child by either shutting you out or attacking you back.
If him disappearing for 2-3 weeks is an issue, then let him know clearly about that. That you expect him to be around his daughter consistently and more often. That her daughter needs to be able to rely on his father being there for her. Other than that, all the hard drugs part just seems redundant.
Hi Kevin
How long does it take to approve a post on the board?
Thanks A
Usually within 24 hrs. Sometimes 48 hrs.
Hi Kevin, I already commented this page before, but you didn't approve it, I also tried to post my question in the Boards but I got no answer. Can you give me any help with my situation?
My girlfriend and I broke up about 1 month and 1 week ago. She just told me that she had been demotivated for some time and even though she always said it would be something temporary, it wasn't and she saw me more as a friend recently. We dated for about 8 months.
We broke up without any type of fight, or argument, it was extremely peaceful, I just told her that if that’s what she thought, I couldn't do much about it, but that I didn't want to give up on her. She told me that she didn't want to lose me as a friend and wanted to keep speaking with me because she likes to do it.
After 1 week of speaking “normally”, I decided to start NC with her and that’s what I've been doing for the past 31 days. She skyped me 6 or 7 times during this period and we ended up talking. I never started any conversation with her (except last friday where I just went to told her that I was going to be in a foreign country for a week), it was always her who started them. The conversations have been positive, she usually asks me how I am, how are things going, if there’s anything new and we end up joking around a bit. I always try to tell her that I’m good and always try to seem happy, even if it’s not completely true.
We work in the same place and I was away from the office for 3 weeks, so I didn't see her, but last week I was back and every time I passed by her desk she always tried to make funny comments. She even called me to see something related to work on her computer in one of the days.
I spoke recently to her best friend and she told me that she thinks that I should speak normally to my ex because she appears to be a little bit sad, even though she never admits that she is.
She’s a very stubborn and proud person, so I don’t think it will be easy for her to change her mind. She's usually the type of person that takes a decision and doesn't go back.
I’m a little bit lost and at this point I’m not sure about what will be the best approach. I'm not sure if I should still continue with NC with her for a little bit more or if I should try to implement some of the things from Relationship Rewind. Any hints?
Thanks.
Hey Paul,
First of all, I will recommend doing complete no contact for a while (not talking even if she initiates). At least two weeks. Let her know that you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After that, you can ignore her whenever she contacts you. Try going on dates during this no contact and making some changes in your life. When no contact is over, get back in touch with her. You can use the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point.
Hi Kevin,
I've been keeping limited contact with her, only answering when she reaches, but on Friday we had a sort of a fight over Skype. She started to get kind of mad that I spoke to a girl that she doesn't like and that she thought that was hitting on me when we were dating, just because I told her that I still didn't speak a lot to that girl. Does this mean she still cares?
During the weekend I spoke to her best friend (we still keep in contact) and she told me that she was speaking more to her ex (the ex before me). She told me that nothing happened but she was speaking more to him and they were closer. Is this normal? Should I be worried? I was kind of bummed by this because she always told me that she didn't like him and that she broke up with him because she lost her confidence in him and that's something you can never recover.
Yesterday I decided to speak with her on Skype and we had a good time, we laughed at each other and had some fun. At some point I asked her what's she's been doing and she told me that on Sunday she went to a fair with some friends (that I also know) and she described exactly everyone that was there (including her ex-boyfriend). I was kind of glad with this, because I think that if she had something to hide, she wouldn't mention him.
She says she wants to be my friend. Do you think that I should try to implement the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point to create a "false friendship" and go from there?
Thanks.
Kevin the legend really really helpful article mate I already feel much much better just one question would it make any difference if your ex was following same steps or something similar?
It's even better if they are taking time off and decide to work on themselves and their issues during no contact.
It is hard woth everyone saying that and him sending mixed signals. I hadn't really put thought into how long I was willing to wait for him. It was just like in how long I can get over him or feel like it's ok now to move on. 6 months is a long time.
I want to say I'll give him up to a year but I don't want to be wasting my time either. 6 more months for the year. I think I'm just expecting too much from someone who isn't ready to handle my love and loyalty. Someone who is more into his selfish needs than his family needs.
I'm just gonna have to move on and see other people while still being in love with him. I just didn't want to do that cause I don't find it fair for the person or myself.
I told him I wouldn't be waiting for him and I am open to going on dates but no guy has caught my attention like that.
Hey e.p.,
As long as you don't make any big commitments while dating other people, I think you are fine. Just keep your intentions clear and let them know that you are not looking for anything serious. I know it'll be hard to be interested in someone while you are still in love with him, but putting yourself out there will help you move forward. Even if it's little, it's still progress.
Thank you Kevin. I will try :)
I also feel like the major issue here is that frankly I don't want to move on and that I believe it was a really good relationship when we were together and letting it go is a mistake. I want it to work out and still love him. I'm having a hard time believing it was bad and wrong and that we're bad together. It's not like he cheated on me. Distance is not his fault or my fault. So that makes it easier to wait for him because technically nothing went wrong. Idk if there's a way to could terms that logic and make myself believe that it's time to move on.
Hey Anjali,
A lot of relationships that end in breakup are perfect, except for one tiny little flaw.
He is perfect for me, if only he could solve his drinking problem.
She is perfect, if only he could only learn how to control her anger.
We were perfect for each other, if only we had better jobs and were financially secure.
We would have been great together, if only we could find more time with each other.
In your case, this tiny little flaw is that you couldn't make it work with long distance. If he had a drinking problem or he was abusive (which are both fixable problems), what would you have done? You would have asked him to fix the problem and you would have supported him in fixing the issue. And still if he wasn't able to do so, you would have broken up and moved on. If you told him to fix his drinking problem, and eight months later, he still comes home drunk and starts abusing you, would you still wait for him? Telling yourself that it's not like he cheated on you.
I know there's a big difference between a drinking problem and not moving on from a long distance breakup. But both issues are bad for YOU. You are still not happy with your life and your relationship with him. In fact, it's making you confused, draining your emotional and mental energy, and keeping you from moving on and growing in your life.
So if he is not willing to fix the problem that's causing you distress, shouldn't you move on?
I actually have been seeing a therapist every two weeks. According to her what I'm going through is normal. I have shown some improvement and not as miserable as I used to be, getting on with my life etc, but I still miss him/ want to be with him. I'm not sure anyone but me can change that but I'm going to continue seeing the therapist and hope it helps.
Hey kevin, thanks for the advice im sure it will help!! i just came out a relationship yesterday after 5 years of being together... i was doing it all wrong so im glad i found this! thanks.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for replying. I don’t think he’s ready either. He needs some time to himself and even if he was to leave her and come back to me he’d have to prove himself to me. I wouldn’t just take him back like nothing ever happened cause it did and there’s no denying that.
I feel the same way like he’s not letting her go. I mean if he truly wanted her out he’d be straight up with her, supposedly he doesn’t cause she has nowhere to go and doesn’t want to leave her out in the streets but I don’t know.
One of my friend’s told me” You know what sucks is that I know he loves you but he knows you love him and your willing to stick around and that’s why I feel he isn’t scared to lose you” and its true I’m sure he thinks that, that’s why he’s not scared but he doesn’t want to see guys talking to me either.
No he hasn’t really been showing any kind of guilt. Well at least to me it doesn’t look nor feel like it. My friend was telling me the one that we use to hang out with as a couple she said he’s gone over her house to hang out with her bf and that when he see her daughter that’s our daughter’s age that he stares at her like he misses our daughter. She says she’s sure he misses us, our family but again actions speak louder than words.
After all this we are back to no contact. It's going to be 2 weeks again of no contact. Mixed signals all over again. It's now 6 months since we split and I'm still no over him. It's earier to cope with now but still hoping for that day he comes back to me telling me he's ready to be fully committed to me and our family.
I guess I just dream too big because I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
Hey e.p.,
This dream is the reason you are not over him yet and won't be any time soon. Unless you let go of that, you won't be able to truly grieve and move on. But I know it's hard since all the signs and everyone around you is saying that it will happen. 6 months is a long time. Have you asked yourself how long are you willing to wait for him?
well, I asked him if he wanted to catch up on friday. he texted me back saturday and said " yea it would be nice." He didn't tell me when he'd be free/didn't ask if I was. I texted him back late sat night asking when he was free. He still hasn't responded. I am worried that this means he's just moved on and doesn't care as anymore and feels like life is just fine/ better without me :(
It just makes me so sad to think that he stopped caring so quickly and here I am still wanting him in my life. I feel pretty pathetic. I realize its been over 8 months since we're broken up and I'm still not over him or moved on sigh. I just feel so resigned at this point. I'm smart, educated, accomplished, in medical school and about to be a doctor and I'm stuck on some guy.
It feels so degrading. I feel my life and I so much more than this and him but I can't stop loving him and it's making everything else horrible. It's not like I'm incapable of supporting myself emotionally and financially and need to rely on a guy and can't do anything better with my life. I've tried dating, engaging in hobbies more, socializing, not focusing on him etc. everything. But nothing makes it better and I still keep wanting to be with him. On the other hand, he seems to have replaced his time with 10 other social/work related things and finds it just as fulfilling and doesn't need me anymore. Its so unfair. I feel like I'm destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life and I'll never move on.
Hey Anjali,
At this point, I think getting professional help can help tremendously. Since it's been 8 months, and you have pretty much tried everything to move on, I think there are deeper issues at play here than just this guy and your relationship with him. Talk therapy can help you uncover them and discover the true reasons for your unhappiness and inability to move on.
Also, I don't believe that he has moved on. But, I will recommend you don't focus on that and use it as an excuse to continue having hope etc. Instead, get help in determining the 'cause of your inability to move on.
Hello Kevin,
22 days of no contact and
my ex called but i was not able to pick up the phone.Two hours later i return the call and she won't pick up.Maybe she dialed a wrong number or something?
Thank you ,
Stoyan
Maybe. Maybe not. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
Hello Kevin,
Another call from my ex.The phone was ringing for a good minute and a half.I didn't pick up on purpose.2 hours later i return the call.She called me that time and she is why do you call me.I called you because i had a missed call from you.No i didn't call you,i don't have the call in my outbound calls.I said its the second time in two days,would you like to meet me and she is like i don't think it is appropriate.I said let's meet up on Saturday and she says:I don't want to,maybe later.I said ok delete my number and don't call me then and she told me : Ok, I won't bother you anymore.What was that?
Thanks,
Stoyan
Your response showed that you are still hurt and needy. When she refused your invitation, you got hurt and attacked back. Bad move. I'll suggest you continue no contact and send an apology text next week for being rude. Keep it short and let her know that you need time to deal with the breakup and maybe you can catch up with her sometime later. 2 weeks after that, send her a text and see how she respond. Keep it light initially and if she is responding well, ask her out after a couple of days of texting.
Hey Kevin,
Next day after we spoke she send an emoticon in facebook and said that was a mistake,my response was ok ,happens.The next day she removed our pictures.
Do you think she still has feelings.Why did she even call in first place.Why did she remove the pictures now?
Thanks Stoyan
Thanks ,
Stoyan
Hi again! how do i act now when we broke up? We both know that we want to be with eachother but we can't.. it's because we had already in thoughts that we we're better off single, that actually made it more Ok to break up! for 2 days ago, he said that he wanted to give us a chance.. but when we met yesterday, i said to him ' maybe that chance you wanted, isn't for now.. but maybe after we've moved on and stuff ' we said yesterday, that we have to let go of past things that happened.. and he said he wants to meet me soon in summer! he also said that maybe we find eachother again after we've moved on and he did want to be with me now even if we can't.. I said to him, you can write to me whenever you want, but i think we have to move on first a bit and then we can maybe talk again, and maybe find eachother again..
The story between us is in another comment, but if it makes things more clear, he has told me that ' i've never been so happy, ' ' you have all the things i've searched for in a girl ' and he had futureplans with me actually!
I just need some advice.. do you Kevin, or anyone else think that we have a chance after we've moved on or so? i will take things as it comes and i just hope we're finding eachother again after we've let go of the bad things!
Yes, I think you have a chance even after you've moved on. Like I said before, work on your communication skills and try to figure out what caused all the issues in the relationship. Do no contact for a month or two and then get back in touch with him.
Hi kevin! i'm gonna do what you told me!
But what if, i uploaded a pic to insta yesterday and wrote that i'm going to get a new tattoo soon, which is true! right after he saw that,
He wrote to me on facebook! asking how i was feeling and he did ask what tattoo i was gonna get.. we're both into tattoos so i think he saw a opportunity to write to me .. it was a ' good ' break up, so should i answer just to be nice? i haven't answered him yet.. Thank you!
You can answer. But let him know that it's better if you both don't talk to each other for a while. Let him know that you think it's best for you to not communicate with him as it will help the healing process and give you two the much needed space.
Kevin.. he told me everything was fine, ' boring and lonely but fine ' i just said that i was going out for a run and goodbye, what now ? :/
Don't do anything. Continue no contact and keep working on yourself.
Hey Kevin! i haven't done anything since that thing, but he got a tattoo yesterday and sent a snapchat to me, my sister and mum.. you can put it on ' mystory ' so everyone you have on snapchat can see it, but he didn't do that! do you have any ideas why he's doing like this? is it because he takes for granted that i'm answering? please help :/
And now he wrote to me on Facebook ' does the tattoo hurt? ' should i ignore or answer? my friends tell me to ignore :/
Hey Lovisa,
If you are unsure, you can just tell him clearly that you don't want to speak to him for a while and you need space and time. After that, you can ignore him. Remember, ignoring him and doing no contact will be of no use if you don't use the time to work on the issues that caused the breakup. If I remember correctly, it was communication issues. So work on that. Take classes, read books or go to a therapist. If you want, let him know as well what you are doing to work on the issues. It's not about playing games or holding the upper hand. If you want that relationship to work, you have to work on yourself.
Kevin should i tell him to don't talk to me for awhile or should i ignore and keep doing NC? it's kind of confusing right now because we had a 'good' breakup.. it was mutual! does my chance of getting him back decrease if i don't reply him or is it better if i don't answer him? he wrote to me this saturday and it's monday today! Please help :)
Lovisa
Hi everyone! I know this is not about my ex.. well.. kind off? i would really need some advice .. basically, I'm 19, and he's 19 too, we have a distancerelationship and we're too similar in attitude and different things.. I tell him when i get hurt from something he did.. and he does it in the same way! but the problem is that he thinks I'm trying to hurt him when i tell him.. And ofcourse i think the same way when he tells me something i did! we actually ' broke up ' for 2 days ago, but in the same time we wanted to be with eachother! But we knew it would'nt work out because of fights and insecurities.. we talked, and i took the train to him yesterday so we could talk more! he Said nothing.. i Said everything i needed to say! like i came to realize things i did wrong! and believe me.. i took him for granted! i do that alot because of my exes got me everything.. well when we saw eachother, we had in mind that we we're going to be single, it felt so awkward being around him! before i went home i told him that my heart Said that i wanted to solve things with him and be with him! 1h after, he Said that he wanted that too! but now .. it's like we don't know If things are going to work out but we still want to try..
I think he had so strong feelings for me in the relationship so there is still a chance.. but we're been fighting alot the last months.. Is there anyone in here who can relate? Or give me some advice? ;/ thank you!
Hey Lovisa,
Take some time off from each other and think things through. Tell him it's a good idea to take a break from each other instead of breakup. During this time, learn some communication skills. Tell him to do the same. If your problem is just communication, then it can be easily solved. You just need to learn how to communicate. I highly recommend the book "Non-violent communications" By Marshall Rosenberg. Look into it.
Hi Kevin! He actually came to my house today.. we broke up :/ i actually felt reliefe, i think i need to let the infected parts of our relationship go.. we both want to be with eachother, he actually Said that he needs time to let things go and after that maybe go back.. do you think i have a chance? it feels alright now but i know it's gonna hurt sooner or later.. thank you so much!
I can totally relate i say go for it if he's really the one then don't let anything get in your way
What do you mean by totally relate
Hello Kevin,
So last week on Wednesday we decided to have a family day, just to spend it with our daughter and take her out. We were mature about it. Anyways that whole day he spent it with us and everything was going great. He was playing with our daughter and joking around with me. We were playing games and everything was going perfect.
There was a moment when a guy came up to me and then left and then my ex came up to me and said be careful with that guy he's weird. The guy later came back up to me and was talking to me and then my ex saw that from a far and walked up to us and stood right next to me and gave the guy a look I then said something to my ex about leaving to not make this situation big or anything.
We left and ended up hanging out with our friends. I was walking to the store alone with my daughter and he was going to go somewhere wit my friend's bf which is also his friend but then saw me walking alone and decided to walk with me to the store. He was also saying "we need to get our daughter a puppy" and talking about getting her a pet. I found it weird but maybe just over thinking that.
I did notice he was on his phone a lot like texting with someone but all I got to see was the area code he didn't have the number saved. The area code belonged to where his gf lived before. I found it odd that he didn't have the number saved. Anyways he still stayed there all day and the day was fun.
He had also mentioned to me earlier that day when he first picked us up that he wanted to take our daughter to Disneyland and I said he should that she would love it and then he said he had already asked his neighbor to get us tickets to go. Then he said our other friends should go too. We use to hang out a lot together with this couple they have a daughter our daughter's age. Anyways he said he asked his neighbor for 4 tickets (me,him and the couple) he said we should all go together and that sometimes this month.
I know he's not lying about it because my friend (the girl) told me my ex told her bf about it. I was surprised he had involved me into this. This came from him.
Like 2 days later my friend told me that my ex told him that same day we had the family day like just out of no where that his gf was stalking me on facebook. That he went through her phone & saw she stayed on my page & that he confronted her about it saying why are you on her page? Stop stalking my baby momma. He said it's creepy and that she didn't say anything. She must see me as a threat.
He also told me that he's trying to let her go slowly and he's starting to push her away and is planning to come back to me. Now I don't know if that's true or not sure how exactly he said it lol but actions speaker louder than words so that I'm not gonna believe.
I think he is showing good signs. However, this doesn't mean he is ready for a long term healthy relationship. From what you said, he is still not mature enough. He can not let go of his girlfriend and is trying to do it slowly. He is getting jealous of guys. Not to mention, he didn't have any time after the breakup just for himself, to learn more about himself and figure out what he really wants. And I don't suppose he has shown any guilt or remorse about cheating during the relationship.
well for starters, I think you are absolutely right to not believe him because who knows maybe he's just saying that to be rude/mean? I am trying to get back with my ex and after reading this article I realized that I've been taking the wrong approach. I need to take this advice and take it slow and not immediately tell him that I miss him and ask him out again. But I just wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broke up
Hey Kevin,
It's been about 3 weeks since I told him to stop telling me he loves me unless he wants to work things out. We agreed to talk as friends and see where things go. At first things went really well during the first week. We talked on the phone several nights a week and he was saying good morning/ good night and initiated calls too. Then he got really busy and we stopped talking on the phone but he still texted me once or twice a day.
After that, he suddenly dropped off the face of the planet while he was busy and didn't respond to my texts. Then, he sporadically texted me the 4-5 days later the second week to ask how I was doing to see if I was ok because he'd heard something on the news about my area having mudslides. I guess it was nice he checked to see I was ok, despite being busy. We texted some more that day and then this previous weekend he went mostly MIA only to ask me how my day/ weekend was going. No major extensive conversation like the first week. I'm not really sure how to interpret this.
Also, this weekend he was really free and told me about a bunch of fun stuff with his friends, but he never asked me if I free to chat or catch up or anything either. I'm not sure if I should initiate phone calls again or leave it on him. Last time he said he needed time for us as friends to see if he'd want to try long distance again. I sort of feel the pressure of having good conversations with him or he's not going to want to try a relationship again. At the same time, I feel like he should really be initaiting since he's the one who got busy and thats why we stopped talking on the phone much to begin with. At this point I feel like I've done everything I can and I should leave it up to him to initiate. But I also don't want to be passive aggressive/ play games and not talk to him on purpose.
We also stopped saying we love each other which was my idea, but I feel insecure about it now. What if he just gets over me? He had a ton of free time with his friends this weekend and seems really occupied with that and doesn't seem worried about losing me like he was before. I can't tell now, since I told him to stop telling me he loved me. I'm really confused and it help to know what you think about the situation from a third perspective. I'm getting very confusing feelings from all this.
Thanks,
Anjali
***I sort of want to ask him if he wants to catch up, because I want to talk, but at the same time I just wish it came from him and maybe I should just keep distant. But I don't like the passive aggressive tension it might create, when in truth I'm naturally just inclined to talk to him. I am going through these phases where I feel really resentful and upset at him because he doesn't want to put in a ton of effort to work things out but at the same time I really love him and I believe he loves me too, but just doesn't want to deal with the complicated ness of it all.
Hey Anjali,
I think it was the right decision to stop saying that you love each other. It helps define boundaries and shows that you know what you want and you won't settle for less. I don't think he is going to move on simply because of this. If I recall correctly, you two have had quite a bit of no contact and he always came back. This is no different. I think if you want to talk to him, you should initiate. Just don't be the one to be always initiating. Once you initiate, give him some time to to initiate next. Like a week or two. This way, you don't look needy.
Well, since its been like 2.5 weeks since we talked on the phone should I wait some more and see if he initiates a phone call or do it myself? I just feel like eventually its always me who gives in and initiates something and rarely him. Im still really confused why we were talking everyday for the first week and he was saying good morning and stuff and just randomly stopped. It doesn't make sense to me. Does it make sense to you? It just seems so sporadic. The first week it was almost daily phone calls and good mornings and goodnights and then he suddenly stopped.
Maybe he is just taking some time for himself. It's hard to guess the reasons for his actions. And I think it's best not to over analyse them since it only leads to confusion.. I think you should wait another week before initiating.
This was the single most helpful article I have found on the internet in this subject area, I swear it is. Thank you!
Hi,
My girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. Due to some incidents of her exs and insecurities of herself in her past, she wants to be "just friends" with me all of a sudden and wants to get back after she is alright. She says there is no other guy she is after and she finds me the best guy she's ever been with. But she wants to be friends and i dont know why or what to do. Could you please advice?
Hey Aaron,
Since you have already completed no contact, I don't see any harm in staying friends with her for now. Just agree with her. But make it clear that you will not be waiting for her forever. Tell her you want to be with her but you will not stick around if she wants to keep you as a backup. And set a time limit for yourself. Whatever her issues are, give yourself a realistic time period based on that. And if she doesn't want to get back together after that time period, give her an ultimatum. If she says no, move on.
Hey Aaron,
Mine is the same case. I don't understand why she wants to be just friends when she was in such a great relationship in past. Now she's with a guy who was in relationship with her in past. When we talked after the no contact period, she said she love me very much but as a friend. She is still in relation with this guy, although it is an on-off relationship. Just can't understand what to do. Hope Kevin will give us a good solution.
Thanks alot.
I'll try this out and I just HOPE this works, but I already broke the first few rules about going behind, Hope is still works.
Thanks Kevin.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for replying. Yes I think I do need to really try to let go to be open to dating again in the future. I just love him so much but that really shouldn't matter. You're right he did do me wrong for so long and I should try to find someone who treats me right. I need to work on myself and just worry about me but I still end up thinking about him and if he maybe thinks of me too.
Since he gave me mixed signals last time I took it as something more but I should've just took it as nothing. I'm sure he feels I won't be getting over him anytime soon and especially cause the text message I had sent him a month ago that's why he doesn't even feel scared of losing me but I should show him it's possible.
I'm about to start a new job real soon hopefully that just keeps me distracted a lot. I'm sure it will though. Thank you so much Kevin.
Kevin please help me. I'm going a bit crazy. I have done no contact for 2 weeks well he called me just now but to pick up our daughter tomorrow. He sent a bit of mixed signals the last time we were together but now is like nothing. The whole story is above this comment.
Hey Kevin!
Your advice is amazing! I really have been having a roughy 3 days trying to figure out how to work things out with my ex and I have been so confused. I'm definitely going to give this step by step a shot!! You are a great guy! Appreciate it so much!!
I guess I've given all hope on my ex. Not cause I'm over him but because this relationship he's in seems to be too much of a roller-coaster for him. I was out with his sister the other day and we started off talking about her guy problems but then ended up talking about mine.
She told me how she didn't like his new girlfriend, that she wasn't bringing anything good to her brother. That she was just a girl with issues. She then told me that he's always like "man I'm over this hoe" "I'm just going to drop this hoe off and get her out my life" yet he doesn't. She said se told him to not tell her anything until he means it.
She also told him how he worries more about her than our daughter. She told me she doesn't know her to not like her but she doesn't care to know her. That she doesn't bring anything good to her family. She said her brother is still unemployed and his girlfriend doesn't even motivate him to go get a job.
I told her I was helping. That I'd send him some I saw that he'd qualify for. She also said she knows he's going to come looking for me but for me to not wait on him. She said to just keep trying to live and get my life together.
She said her and her guy best friend(mutual friend) were talking about us and he said that he knows my ex is going to come back to me that he's a guy and just being stupid but that when he decides to come it's going to be up to me whether I take him back or not and if I don't then he's f*cked.
It's funny how everyone is sure he's going to come back. The 5 months are up. I guess I'm finally losing hope since the first time we were separated it was for 5 months. I want to lose full hope so I can get over him.
Hey E.P :( I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm right there with you:( I think we started posting here around the same time. Its been 7/8 months since I broke up with my ex. We did 2 months of no contact and he contacted me and I thought we'd get back together. We were in this in between space for a while where he told me he loved me but couldnt handle long distance.... I only recently told him to stop saying it and he has but it scares me. What if he moves on? I'm definitely not over him and I can really relate to what you're saying. I wish I could stop loving him or give up all hope. He gives me signs he likes me so I'm stilling hanging on....I just want him to tell me he's done with it. Thought I'd let you know you're not alone and other people feel the same.
Hello Anjali :)
well at least your ex would tell you he loves you. Mine told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore either. Of course this was said when he first broke up with me 5 months ago. About a month ago I sent him a long message telling how I felt. How I was still in love with him and how I knew he still did too. We just have that natural chemistry. He didn't reply but I didn't expect him to. Anyways after that like the following week he gave me a mixed signal twice but then after that completely ignored me. I haven't seen or spoke to him in 2 weeks well he just called me trying to pick up our daughter but anyways this sucks. I just want my family back together.
Wish you the best. Hope you can get your ex back if that's who you truly want to be with. I just pray I can get my ex back.
Hey e.p.,
I think you are mostly concentrating on him coming back to you and not you moving on. I can see how having hope of him coming back can stop you from getting over him. I think it might be a good idea to give up hope. Just for the sake of moving on. It might be painful. But I think at this point, it's necessary. You are forgetting the fact that he cheated on you many times. Was lying constantly and didn't respect you much. You can do a lot better than that. Whether or not he will come back, should be irrelevant. You need to let him go to become emotionally available for someone who you deserve.
Hi kevin,just a quick update.So i spoke to my ex one month ago and she initially agreed to visit me at home,but she had some conditions.I wont be able to stay for more than an hour and so on and i cancelled and told her that i'm not interested in being her friend and if she would like to date me,just to call.So another 20 days passed and i called her by a mistake,but decided to take the opportunity and ask her out.So initially she will agree.We will set up a date and 2 days later she called me to ask why do i want to see her.I told her that i just want to meet her dink some beers and have fun.She told me that she doesn't think it is appropriate because she is in a relationship and to meet another time in the future and she would want to let me know that she is interested in friendship,nothing more than that.I told her to call me if she wants to date me.So could you explain.Is she over me?Was this relationship real or she was seeking some reaction.If so what is the chance for that relationship to be rebound?Why is she hot and cold non stop.I forgot to mention a good friend of mine called her to beg to give me a chance.I didn't know about that.I guess i have no chance,but still a little insid will be appreciated.
Thank you,
Stoyan
We split almost 1 and a half month ago and she left me a month before that.
Hey Stoyan,
Her relationship is probably a rebound. I will suggest you take the false friendship approach instead of asking her to date you directly. It will give her an excuse to spend time with you and will give you an opportunity to rebuild attraction.
Hi Kevin,thank you for your help.I don't know how to ask her to stay friends anymore .should i call her now,should i wait another month.What should be my approach,because she is getting hot and called and i think because of my friend bothering her she sees me as weak and wouldn't like to the friendship at that moment.The last time i told her to not bother me, unless she wants to date me.Wouldn't it be weak to call her now and tell her that i have reconsidered and would like to be friends?Your help is much appreciated
Thanks Kevin
Do no contact for a month. And then contact her. Don't mention anything about being friends or dating unless she asks. Just ask her to catch up.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you very much for helping me.Just out of curiosity why do you think she will be interested in going out with me after another month ,when she turned me down the last time? The first time i called her ,she was really positive and agreed to meet me at my place.The second time i called she's been cold ,but agreed to meet me and 2 days later cancelled.What i'm asking basically if the things with the other guy are getting more serious,wouldn't she be more cold towards me.I really don't know what to do in that situation,i'm afraid that it will come as too needy.On the positive side,she didn't delete any of her facebook pictures and she didn't upload any new pictures(Why would she want to keep those pictures ,if she is in a relationship already?)
Thank you ,
Stoyan
Like I said before, her relationship is probably a rebound. And after a month, chances are it will only get weaker. I think you have a better chance after a month of no contact and a few text conversations. On the other hand, if you keep texting her right now and asking her to meet you, it will look needy especially after your friend's incident and the fact that she already cancelled on you once. A month will give you a clean slate to start again.
Hi again Kevin,
My ex and I have been chatting a lot recently. We broke up last August. She has told me that she misses me. She is with someone else. When she was unable to reach me for a few days she got really worried and upset because she thought she had done something to upset me.
I have been wondering if I should tell her that I am crushing on her again. For a long time I didn't care if I got her back, but now I do. Now it sucks that she is dating someone else. She has admitted to me that she is unsure about her current relationship etc, all the information here says to wait on her, but I will like I need to tell her. Let her know how I am feeling. If she doesn't feel the same, then that's it. If she does feel the same, then that's amazing.
I will recommend you wait for her relationship to fall apart before making a move. But if you want to go for it, then go for it. I think enough time has passed and from what you said, I think you will probably get a positive response.
Thanks for the advice. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I am currently on another continent. I will however be back in the same city soon, but then have to leave again for a month.
Should I wait until I get back?
When you get back, see if she wants to meet up. I think it'll be better if you go out with her at least once (preferably twice) before telling her how you feel.
Thanks for the advice Kevin. She was pretty insistent on meeting me my first day back, but couldn't because of work, we ended up hanging out the next morning, taking the dogs to a park. Then I had to leave for another city for about three weeks. I'll see how much she stays in contact, or how much she wants to meet up after I come back.
Depending on that, I'll end up telling her how I feel, because I cannot wait for her current relationship to end, as I feel it won't in a time frame I'd be happy with.
Good luck. :)
I have a question.
Does still being angry with one another mean there's still strong feelings?
I'm just asking cause I don't feel there's not any much anger left between me and my ex so could that mean the feelings aren't there anymore? I mean I know my feelings are but like his?
We get along perfectly when we're around each other.
Being angry with each other means there are still strong feelings. But the opposite is not necessarily true. As is apparent from your feelings. Besides, every person is different.
Thank you, Kevin.
Of all the websites I read while coping with my first breakup, this was the most helpful for me. I read it several times over the past few months. Again, thank you. --Micah
My boyfriend told me that he needed a break and time. I am going to follow your steps and hope for the best. Great article btw
Hey Kevin,
Hope all's well. Haven't posted here in a while and thought I'd fill you in. I followed your advice and waited to see how I felt before I acted. He said he loved me again to which I didn't respond and initiated a conversation to see where this was going. I asked him if he has intentions of getting back together and he said he didn't know. I said what I want to do is work towards getting back together in which case it's be ok to say I love you and stuff but it's been confusing me otherwise. He said he understood and he'd stop saying it. He said he needed some time to think about my proposal because he is really hesitant about long distance and feels like it won't work. In the meantime we've been talking as friends and texting/talking more frequently than we ever have since the break up. It's nice that he's not saying he loves me anymore because it reduces confusion
But I'm kind of worried that if he stops saying it and we keep talking as friends like this he'll just move on and switch to seeing me as a friend. Was it a bad move to say that we shouldn't say it unless we're really trying to get back together?
I've been trying not to bring up relationship talk because that seems to ruin things every time they get better. Conversations have definitely been more fun and enjoyable I think he's more likely to want to try long distance again if he's more convinced it won't fail.
I've been enjoying talking to him but I feel a little nervous that I told him to stop saying he loves me unless he wants to get back together. I'm not sure if it was a good move or not.
Anjali
I think it was a good move. You are setting boundaries which shows that you respect yourself. And I don't think it's going to have any effect on him moving on. If anything, it'll make you more attractive since you are taking control of the situation and doing what you think is right for yourself.
Hey, I have a question regarding the letter. If a girl i hurt lives somewhere abroad and i cant give her the letter personally. Can i make a video apology on skype or something telling her everything like in the letter.
Regards,
I think making a video will probably make it look like you are putting too much effort into it. Sending an email will be a better option.
Thank you
I feel I could trust him in the future but he'd have to prove himself to me. I think we could have a healthy lasting relationship but when he matures. Now that I think of it more maybe right now is not our time. Right now we probably wouldn't have a full healthy relationship. We'd probably fall back into a pattern. He needs to mature and know when to commit and stay faithful.
He's clearly still playing games. He knows how I feel towards him so he most likely wants to keep me there but he also wants to keep her. Apparently they're still together even when we were hanging out and he called me babe.
I know he still loves me I feel it. I mean come on I know him but he's trying to hold back and I don't know why. Even his aunt told me. But you're right, right now probably wouldn't be the best time for us to get back.
Like you said he needs to have fun and do everything he feels he needs to do before we can get back. He needs his freedom like I do too. I don't consider myself to be a terrible person even if I was needy. I'd like to think of myself as a loyal girlfriend who was always there for him so I know he's going to miss that and realize one day he messed up.
He needs to make his mistakes on his own so he won't make them if were to get back together.
Hello Kevin
well I forgot to update you. He did come over the next day like he said he would and we were ok, talking a bit not much cause my neighbor came over with her son and her boyfriend was talking to my ex. Anyways he then got a call from his uncle. By the way before I get into that. He use to never leave his phone around me well like towards the last couple weeks before we broke up and if he did he had it locked.
Ok back to the call. So he missed it cause he was outside with my friend's bf. I then went to take him his phone and he asked who had called him and told him his uncle and I also noticed he didn't have a lock on his phone (not much to it, I know) but he's left his phone around a couple times the day before and that day too and he wasn't even worried about it.
I didn't go through it even though I had chances cause to be honest I wasn't interested nor did I want to see anything that could put me down. Maybe he's trusting me to leave his phone around. Anyways he ended up saying he was gonna take our daughter to his house so I said ok and then he left.
Later on that night I went to the movies with my friends and he watched our daughter. He kept texting me to see if the movies was over and what time was I gonna get home cause it was late already I told him if he wanted I could've picked her up or he could keep her over night but he said no that he could drop her off.
Anyways it was like 11 and the movie was soon gonna end. He texted me again asking if it was over and I said no but that I thought it was gonna end soon. I felt like maybe he didn't believe me and thought I was making up excuses so he could keep our daughter longer so I sent him a picture of the screen and said "so you can see I'm not lying or like lagging it" he replied saying I believe you before the picture even send since the message was sent first.
Anyways for him to believe anything I say and trust me to not go into his phone he must be healing over the bad break up and bad image of me acringe needy. I know I can't over think what he's thinking since they're not clear. I just feel like the longer we're apart the more I want him.
His aunt also told me the other day that she knew he was gonna come back to me and that he was just using the excuse of seeing our daughter to really be around me which I did find odd since he stopped doing that like 3 months ago he normally would just come pick her up for a weekend and then drop her off but to actually hang out with both of us.
I felt that vibe when he was around me that he wanted to like tell me something but didn't know how and he would like stare at me and then look away. I felt that love, he can't deny it, even though he wants to and I don't know why. The chemistry is there and anyone can see it and feel it.
But I won't make another move. I made my move by texting him that one time. He could've replied or something but chose not to so now it's all in his hands cause I'm not going to beg him. I am still trying to move on though just in case. Have to expect the worst so I won't be disappointed.
Anyways what's your opinion on this? :)
*acting not acringe
Yes, you should not make any move for now. However, the questions you should be asking are, do you trust him? Do you think you will be able to trust him if you get back together? Do you think it'll be a healthy relationship or it will fall back to the same pattern after a year or two? It seems you are just concentrating on whether or not you will get back together; while you should be concentrating on whether or not you two can have a healthy long lasting relationship.
Ive been doing no contact for almost 3 days it feels good. My ex has been texting and calling me. I have no responded. At first it was "are you ok" then it was "when are you going to the gym? I need to know so you dont have to see me" then it was "I want to drop some stuff off at your house it that ok?" And she was the one who told me that she didnt want to give me my stuff back. Is she just trying to get me to respond? What shouls I do? Should I continue to not reply? Is she trying to get some kind of recognition on my part? If she keeps texting and calling should I wait a day or two and if it continues should I tell her I need space and time. (This was assumed during our laat face to face conversation so idk what shes doing.)
Hey Dayton,
Yes, if she continues texting you for 2-3 days, tell her you need space and time. BTW, it only feels good because she is texting you constantly. Don't expect to feel like this through out no contact. It's going to be a roller coaster. Especially when she stops texting you. So be prepared for that mentally.
Hi Kevin,
I wish I discovered this sooner as Ive been making the deadly mistakes for a month now. I saw my ex yesterday and it was nice till I said something (but not on purpose) that really pissed him off and now he hates me more than ever. He said he doesn't want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again. Do you think he was just angry and it will pass or is it completely doomed. I'm so upset that it could have gotten even worse than it was! I know if I'd done no contact a while back we might be together but now he really hates me and he finds it hard to let anything go and he thinks our relationship wasn't great anyway even though some was his fault but he can't see that. But I know he still cares for me a bit...
Thanks
If he hates you and is getting angry, it means that he still has strong feelings for you. It's a good sign. And it means that you still have a good chance. Follow the plan and do no contact.
I have posted this in the boards but my post has this "awaiting for moderation".
How do I know of my ex is playing mind games with me? Do you have an article pertaining to that?
Hey,
Your post was deleted because you posted on someone else's topic. You need to create a new topic. I don't have any article on this topic. But perhaps reading this article and this article will give you some ideas. But in most cases, no contact should be enough for them to stop playing mind games. A lot of times, they just keep messaging you just to keep you as a backup. If you do no contact, you will take away that power from him and he will stop playing the mind games. Even if you are not sure that he is playing mind games, no contact will still be beneficial.
What happens if your ex refuses to answer during/after NC? I have done NC with other people but never had this happen before. I have heard that means you need more time off (ex. instead of 30 go to 60) but they do eventually come around. Everyone misses each other.
It's the worst because there's nothing you can do except wait it out. Is this true? Any other suggestions?
Yes, pretty much the only thing you can do which won't make you look needy and desperate is wait it out. In most cases, your ex will start answering you after some time. But if they don't answer you even after a longer no contact, then you should definitely try to move on. There is no point in waiting for someone who is not interested in you for the rest of your life.
hi Kevin
So her grandfather died 3 days ago and she was really close to him. We broke up 2 month ago but we had a lot of contact (almost every day, she was even thinking to came back to me). What should i do now? Whats going on in her mind now?
Thanks
Hello Kevin,
So we hung out today cause he came to visit our daughter. Anyways he came and we then went to go get something to eat cause our daughter wanted something anyways I then heard him call me babe by accident. It just slipped out BUT he just played it off say baby to our daughter. Like if he was talking to her. I didn't say anything and I acted like I didn't hear anything.
He then also said he's coming over again tomorrow. Could it be it's finally hitting him and he's getting over the bad image of our relationship? Could it be cause of the text message I sent? This is the first time we see each other after the text. Or is it just me making up a fantasy in my head?
Hey e.p.,
You are forgetting that he is the one who cheated on you and even if he wants you back, you shouldn't take him back unless you are sure you will not fall into the same pattern again. What does all that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe he is thinking about you and getting back together. I can't be sure. Neither can you. All you can do is make sure you don't act needy and don't go back to the same old relationship which left you miserable.
Hi Kevin,
I posted some days ago and dont know if my comment got approved. I am really stressed and going through a bad time for 8 months now. Please help :-/
Hey Jamie,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.
Hey Kevin,
So I never ended up giving him the ultimatum because I didn't feel strong enough to do it. Lately, he hasn't even texted me much. No I love you's, no anything really. No asking me to talk on the phone or anything like he was last month. Once he texted me found of my hair clips and this week he texted me and asked " how's your week going?" I just don't know anymore. I feel like maybe he's just moving on and I feel stuck. I'm not sure why he texted me and asked me about my week. I gave a normal friend like response back and politely asked about his.
Maybe he just misses me as a friend. I went on a date last night with someone because I've been trying dating recently and I just ended up missing my ex. I almost wanted to text him that I love him/miss him but resisted the urge because I remembered out last conversation and just his unwillingness for long distance/ to visit/ move around here.
I mean we're almost basically doing no contact now. I haven't really been initiating and he hasn't really either besides that one text. I almost want to go back to talking more. Things has been feeling good just talking more frequently even if we weren't together. It felt like they'd been moving in a positive direction and we could get back together in the future. Would it be a bad idea to start initiating a lot of conversation/expressing feelings?
Anjali
Hey Anjali,
The problem with keeping constant contact is that it doesn't guarantee you anything. And if it doesn't work, you will anyways have to go through the pain of getting over him and moving on. If he has shown unwillingness to move forward even after significant no contact and staying in touch for a while after that, I will not recommend you wait for him anymore. Getting over him will be hard and painful, but he has left you no option in my opinion.
An ultimatum kind of helps you make the final decision. If he rejects you still, you can be at peace that you have tried everything in your power and there is no point wasting more time. On the other hand, a part of you will always want to hold on to the hope, which is why it's hard to give an ultimatum.
Even if you decide to go against my advice, and start contacting him again, you should at least give yourself a time limit. A month or two. After which, you give him an ultimatum.
Hello Kevin,
Yeah I didn't beg him just told him how I felt. I know I need stop focusing on that. I haven't contacted him since then. I'm okay though. Knowing he knows makes me feel at peace.
Hello Kevin,
So I'm going a bit crazy. I made a mistake out of impulse but at the same time I feel at peace because I'm not hiding my feelings. I didn't text him anymore. After that one message I just left it as that and no he didn't reply, which either way I didn't expect him to. I rather him not reply than to tell me he doesn't feel anything for me. I know just cause he didn't reply it doesn't mean he's like in love with me. I feel like I probably put myself back in his thoughts. Maybe. I don't know. Hope you saw what I texted him. Help.
Hey e.p.,
It's OK that you texted him. In my opinion, it would have been better if you didn't. But I guess in the long run it won't matter that much since you just mentioned your feelings and didn't beg or plead for him to get back together. Like I said before, you need a long period of no contact if you want to have healthy relationship (with him or someone else). So, I'll recommend you stay no contact from now and stop focusing on him and his feelings.
Hey Kevin,
I posted on here twice this past week and I don't see either comment. Was there a reason it wasn't approved?
Christina, the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post on the message boards
I texted him. I was listening to music having a drink and I ended up texting him. Ugh! I messed up!
I sent this...
You know what. F*** it. I miss you & I'm still in love with you. I'm not going to be playing games here. You know my feelings towards you. I might not ever get over you. Now this doesn't mean I expect anything from you. This doesn't mean I'm waiting for you. This doesn't mean I need you, just want, cause need, I pretty much gave up on needing anyone, only our daughter. I know what it is I just wanted to remind you. But I know deep down you still feel it too. We just have that natural chemistry. Don't worry don't feel obligated to reply or anything. Like I said I don't expect anything from you.
Hey Kevin,
Well the first time we were together for 10 months and he didn't cheat on me or I never caught him but he was always with me so I doubt he did.
I was with him today again and everything felt so comfortable like and we were getting along perfect. He was telling me everything about what's been going on with him and some future plans and we were joking around. Everything was just so familiar. I miss that feeling. I don't want to repeat the same story but I do feel one day we can work out.
All that keeps replaying in my head is him telling me "me and you will never get back together" and "I dont love you anymore" then 5 months later we got back(that was the first break up).
This time he said similar things "I don't love you anymore" "I don't think I'll ever love you again" (cause I had asked him if he could ever love me again and he said I don't think so). We're 4 months into this break up and now more than ever I'm going crazy. Maybe cause I still have hope since the first time it was 5 months of being broken up. I guess I just feel I'm running out of time since in like 3 weeks it'll be 5 months.
Still doing no contact. Only contact we have is about our daughter.
Hey e.p.,
Well last time you got back together, but then you broke up again. And he cheated on you again. Do you want the same story to repeat itself? Your decisions shape your life. You will probably be given a choice in the future where you have to decide if you want to repeat the same pattern with him or change it. Choose wisely.
Thanks Kevin words of gold. Needed advice this is perfect.
You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.
Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
Thank you Kevin.
Also I saw him last night. We were cool but now I'm starting to feel like he's avoiding to be with me alone. Last night we took our daughter to the hospital and he dropped us off and said he was going to be back but then he just ended up trading places with his mom.
I don't know I just feel he doesn't want to be anywhere it involves it being just me and him. Like in a car he's ok but when it comes to being somewhere and waiting with me he tries to avoid it. Always comes us with an excuse.
Before they broke up he wouldn't really mind like he'd be around me but just walk around or sit with me, like he could actually stand next to me but now that they broke up he doesn't try to be around me for long. I wonder why?
Whatever his reasons are, it shouldn't matter. You should stop trying to figure out everything that goes on in his mind.
You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he'll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can't rush this.
Yeah that's what I'm going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I'll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he's young and immature so he's going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
Thank you Kevin.
I decided I’m not going to text him at all. Even after 2-3 months of no contact. By then he’ll probably be really over me and I’ll just get rejected and feel dumb. I need to move on even if I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want to do, I don’t want to feel like I gave up on my heart but this love towards him is overwhelming.
Especially lately all I’ve been thinking about is him. I hate that they told me they broke up because when he was with her and I knew I wouldn’t check his page or think about him as much but now that’s all I do.
I know she doesn’t live him anymore because his cousins posted videos with him for St. Patrick’s and they were out at a bar and he wouldn’t leave her there by herself nor would he take her since his family doesn’t like her. But I know he was with her this past Saturday cause he was with her dad so only figures. But then next day is when his mom told me about him asking her what was she doing there and to not go over there making a scene and they were arguing. So I’m assuming last time they saw each other was Sunday but I don’t know.
I keep thinking I have a chance and he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back asking for a chance but that doesn’t seem to be happening or nowhere near close.
Hey e.p.,
It's a good decision. There's a good chance he will want to come back. But it can take some time. And there's no point in waiting for it to happen or obsessing over him. Just because his relationship ended doesn't mean he will want to come back. It will probably take him quite a bit of time to realise what he is missing. It can even take up to a year. He is young and he is enjoying his freedom. Let him. In fact, if he comes back right now, there's a very good chance he will cheat on you again and leave you. But if he comes back after a long time, when he has had his share of "young fun" and has matured enough, you two will have a better chance of maintaining a healthy functioning relationship for a long time.
Hi Kevin,
I've been doing what you suggested mostly and letting him initiate.We talked on the phone this weekend and it was really late at night and were both exhausted. I hadn't been planning on brining anything about relationship/long distance but I couldn't help it.
I asked him if he was still looking for jobs about here/ what he thought about long distance. He said that he loved me and wanted to be in the same place with me and long distance was just too hard. He also said it was difficult to find a job around where I am. I asked him what he thought was the difference between long distance and what we're doing now and he said a bunch of idk's eventually telling me this wasn't as satisfying.
He also contradicted himself during the conversation and said he loved me and missed and really wished he could see me. I told him he should visited and he said he couldn't take off from work ( but he is taking off for his sisters graduation) . This upset me because it felt like basically i don't cross the line of being important enough. I really want this/ us to work out but I'm not sure where all of this is going .We were both falling asleep while we talked and I'm not sure if I need to have this conversation again and just tell him that this in between talking thing is not going to lead anywhere unless he wants to somehow make long distance work. I just don't know anymore. I thought he really cared and was being genuine.
Part of me just wants to say that there's no point in talking anymore. Another part wants to ask him why he doesn't want to do long distance/ if there's any way he's be willing to do it. But i worry it makes me sound desperate. Is it because he's scared it'll turn into how it was before? I think that may be the reason but i think we've also both matured and would probably deal with things better too. But idk if that's just my opinion.
I'm just confused now about what to do/ even how I feel. I'm tired of games. The truth is I still really want to be with him and I can't just keep pretending what in between talking is totally cool/ and i'm not invested even though I am . I also just don't know if he's confused too or he's basically decided he doesn't want this enough to figure things out.
Hey Anjali,
I think you can talk to him about why he doesn't want to try without sounding desperate. Just ask for reasons calmly and don't try to convince him too much. Let him know the reason you are asking is because you are tired and you want to move on and you want to be sure about this before moving on. If he still says no then you can be sure this is not leading anywhere and you can move on.
*Kevin sorry phone autocorrected. Hey Kevin I don’t know if you saw my earlier message but my ex and his young rebound broke up two weeks ago and four days later we aborted the baby, what steps should I take to try to get him back now that they broke up? (She dumped him)
Wait a couple of weeks. And then just get back in touch. If he contacts you during those two weeks, you are free to reply. But don't initiate contact right now. It'll look desperate and obvious.
Hi Kevin I'm havin trouble gettin my ex back but I love him and I know he loves me because he has told me but I keep messaging him an he won't answer what shall I do to get my ex back
Follow the plan Shania.
Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking that's why I'm not going to text him. I'm going to lwt him make the move if he wants. We don't talk at all unless it's about our daughter. I've basically been doing no contact for a while. I do think we need more time apart though. He needs to heal from everything.
Hello Kevin ,
Thank you for the help.I really appreciate it.A few things that i forgot to mention just came up.Right before we break up she was telling me that she is not feeling appreciated.She was doing everything in her power to fix the problems in the relationship.But i was not helping her much.After a fight we had, I told her that it will be a good idea to split for 20 days.She told me that we have never been apart for so long and she is really feeling bad.During these 20 days i send a message to her once and had her on the phone twice.She was first to contact me after 6 days of being split.She was really missing me,but she wouldn't call because she didn't want to look needy and i know that for fact ,because she payed me a visit 6 days before the deadline ends.She needed to pick some clothes and she told me that i have called her once and she has called me twice...When i went to her house to learn her decision at the end of the period, she was very confused,despite the fact that she wanted to break up.As you already know, she asked me three times what is the right choice and told me that she is not sure about her decision,that she might decide against it later ,but she doesn't want me to wait for her.I asked her if she still loves me and she told me that she is not sure .She thinks she does,but she is feeling better without me.Next time we spoke ,she told me that she couldn't imagine living without me,but she is fine without me and really likes her life now.When she came to pack her stuff she melted down and started hugging me and kissing me.On the very next day i went to her house with a bunch of flowers and as a reward i received a few hugs and a passionate kiss.Two days later i called her to try to convince her not to pick her stuff and to ask her out.She told me that she needs her luggage and that she have plans for Friday,but she is not sure if she can cancel them.Anyway she called on Thursday(that was not expected at all) to tell me that she can not cancel her plans and to check how am i doing. She mentioned that we might go out next week.I started making some positive changes in my life already.Started going out with friends,went to the gym 4 or 5 times..The thought that concerns me most at the moment is that she broke up with me ,just to not get dumped.And i think that she expects me to fight for her,because she did reward me when i bought the flowers and she showed some interest by calling me back to check on me,despite the fact that she didn't cancel her plans.When i call her she is friendly most of the time.I would really like to call her and ask her out again,but i am not sure if it is a good idea .Should i continue with the nc ,or should i try to text her or ask her out,or maybe wait until she re-initiates the conversation.
Thank you ,
Stoyan
I still think you should do no contact. She is rewarding your behaviour because it reassures her that you will not move on even if she doesn't want to be with you. Which means she can have her cake and eat it too. You will be waiting for her while she has the freedom to find someone better. If you want to try it your way (not doing no contact), then at least make a move and ask her to get back together (after a week or so). Tell her that you don't like her dragging you along and not letting you move on, and she should either get back together or you will stop contacting her and try to move on. If she doesn't get back together still, do strict no contact and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin
Iam in a very complicated situation. Me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, but we had contact almost every second day. We still love each other, but she says she dont want to have a realitionship with me at the moment. She is afraid that i will never change. And there is another guy who wants her. So now she has to decide if she wants me back or go to the new guy. We even talked about NC and iam fine wit it, but she cant stand it without me and is still calling me. (Also because she has panik attacks) Is it really okay to do the NC or should i fight like hell to get her back? I just really dont want to loose her to this guy.
Ps: sry, if my english isnt that well, iam from austria :)
Hey Fry,
You should do no contact. And make positive changes in your life during no contact. Even if she starts a relationship with that other guy, it'll be a rebound. And it'll end. She is not over you yet and will not be over you anytime soon. Tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup and you can't stay in touch with her.
Hi Kevin,
Iam starting to think that she isnt good anymore for me. The situation with her is very complicated and iam not even sure if its really over or not. I have the feeling that Iam just waiting for her and and that she can have me back whenever she wants. Isnt it better to really make a point and live with the pain that shes gone rather then waiting for her until she knows what she wants and live with the pain of uncertainty.
At the moment shes in a Rebound Relationship and there have been reasons why I broke up with her. Iam very afraid that shes not changing so fast. Moreover i really dont need this complicated situation in my life at the moment. Its my heart what wants her back so badly.
Should I talk to her and make the cruel point and continue NC (maybe even she will realise some stuff about me, when iam gone) or should i just continue NC, trying to get happy without her and focus on my life? I dont know which pain is better :(
Ps: Sry for my bad English
You should just continue no contact. At least for a month. If after that, you feel the need for talking to her, go ahead. But until then, it's better if you do strict no contact.
I think i scew up... I broke the NC called her, made drama and was crying. We realised that her calls everyday are destroying me and we said one month NC. I hurt her again. Is there still hope for me?
Maybe i need this to really focus on myselfe...
So don't text him? Again I don't really want to play games but if I text him then that will take away the purpose of him realizing it right? Should I let him look for me so then I can show him I'm not willing to accept anything less than I deserve? Cause if I text him I miss him and let's say he says it back then how do I tell him he has to work on things? or if he says it back do I just not reply back to him?
I'm so confused. Maybe I should let more time pass since his relationship with her kind of just ended. Maybe wait a week or 2? I always had in mind that if he came back I was going to make him work for me. Prove everything he would say and show him and tell him I wouldn't put up with anything. Do you think texting him "I miss you" is a bad idea?
Maybe texting him takes away from me saying I won't put up with all the bs. It's been 4 months since we've been broken up. I should wait longer right? Wait and see what he does?
No, texting him is a bad idea. Not only because he might reject you, but also because it'll make him realise that no matter what he does, you will always be waiting for him. Let him make the moves. If he decides he wants to. If he doesn't, you should move on. Even if you want to text him, you should do at after at least 2-3 months of no contact. Even if he texts you right now (or a week from now), you should not engage in any conversation with him that is not about your child. If you don't want to be rude to him, tell him you need time and space right now. Doing no contact is more important than anything else right now. Like I said before, it'll be a roller coaster ride, having some set rules and guidelines for yourself will help you get through it.
Kevin I tried posting a few days ago. I need your help so bad. Are you there? Its about my ex . My heart is broken. I need help so badly
Kevin I know you said to post on the message boards. I tried to but my phone messed up. I just have a quick question if you could please take the time to reply id value it greatly and I wont trouble you again, I need help from the best. Ao me and my ex have been together for almost 3 years we broke up in jan. She said it was because I didnt treat her like a gf. She agreed to still date me but she wanted to see other guy, because she is 19 she doesnt want to feel trapped. She said she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore. During the months weve gone out. Slept together, been intimate. She says I love you. But when I confront her she says she isnt ready and this guy she was dating made her "lose her feelings for me." She went to this party and called me today telling me she had fun and ect. I got emotional and asked her if she wanted to get back together. She got a little upset and said its too soon so I told her I needed space and time, starting nc today. Ive said the same thing before but took it back because I couldnt do it. So she replied thag I need to make up my mind and it doesnt matter if I talk to her or not and thag I need to stick with it because I end up crawling back to her. That was her words. Tell me kevin is nc a good idea in my situation? She told me a week ago thag she didnt want to talk to me anymore but she told me a day later thag she doesnt want to let me go and she started to miss me. Can I save my relationship? I have begged and cried in front of her through all of this and I looked pathetic, she knows im not like this im just filled with grief thag ive lost a part of me.. please help me im begging you I need some advice.
Hey Dayton,
Yes, no contact is a good idea. But to be honest, she is young and wants to stay single. So you shouldn't expect a commitment from her anytime soon. I'll recommend you continue no contact for at least a couple of months and try to move on. I assume you are young as well, and you should explore your options as well since she is clearly not on the same page as you.
If you still want her after 2 months of no contact, contact her and see where she stands. Take things slowly but you will soon understand if her attitude is the same about commitment. If it is, then you should move on.
Kevin does using the same tactics as her help? The guide doesnt mention it. Would it be wise to show her you dont care ,let her see your with another girl. So it stirs up a reaction? Or would that push her away even more? Can you elaborate? Some sites say to do it but im unsure.
It can work. But even if it does, then what? You get her jealous, and she then she tries to get you jealous. Before you know it, you are both playing the jealousy game wasting time and mental energy on something so immature.
And even if you manage to get her back using jealousy or playing games, what then? You think you both will be able to live happily ever after? A couple of months after being back together, she will again have the same issues as before. She is still young and still doesn't want to feel trapped. And she will leave again.
Kevin something a lot of other sires say is to either 1. Drop all contact and fall off the face of the earth with no contact or 2. Inform your ex that you no longer wish to talk until youre ready so you can deal with the break up. Which is the best option for getting an ex back? 1. Seems childish and seems it would make your ex angry and push them away. Dont they deserve an adult answer? Or would it be best to do 1? 2 makes sense but wouldnt 2 make them move on quicker? Basically should you tell your ex your doing nc? Or is it best not to tell them? Like after getting back together my ex and I hroke up. She said the same thing. "I love you as a friend and was afraid of losing you." We fought I said goodbye then she texts me tonight (the same night of the break up) "are you ok?" Two times an hour aparr. How should someone handle this situation? Nc or nc while telling her you want nc? Thanks
Both work in different scenarios. Sometimes, it depends on individual preference and sometimes it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your ex. If your ex is contacting you constantly, and they contact you even after you start no contact, it's a good idea to tell them politely. If you are the one who is always initiating contact with your ex, then you can just start no contact without telling them. If they contact you, then it's your choice if you want to let them know that you need time and space.
But this part doesn't really matter that much. What matters most is how you use no contact. The primary objective of no contact is for you to become a better, more confident and happier person. The dynamics with your ex is secondary.
Lately all that's been on my mind is him. I've been having dreams with him and they're all about us getting back. I feel overwhelmed of all these feelings. One moment I'm fine and just like don't ever take him back cause you don't want to look stupid for taking him back but then moments later all I want is for us to get back and I just miss him so much.
Part me is sure he'll come back to me and well everyone else is saying it so then they must see it too but then it's like why is it not happening. I know he needs times as so do I but then the other part is just like move on! It's weird because I'm ok with knowing he'll probably never be with me again but then I have my moments where I just refuse to let him go.
My love for him is deep and knowing he's ok makes me happy. I can't bring myself to hate him or not care about him. Even after everything he did to me I want nothing but the best for him. I just wish he would see what he lost when he let me go. If his friends and family see he messed up then why can't he?
I'm not saying I'm the best thing for him but my love was sincere, everything I ever offered, everything about me to him was sincere. He knows I love him, he knows I'd always be there for him even if everyone turned their backs on him. He told me himself that he knew I'd always be the only person there for him. That he never wanted to lose me. That I'm everything to him.
How do you tell someone that a couple weeks before leaving them for someone else? For someone who's no good for you. His mom today told me that his ex gf went over yesterday morning and that they were arguing, well she was and he was asking her what was she doing there? That what did she want? That she needed to leave and not be going to his house to make scenes. Then he told his mom he was sorry and that he was going to change and make things right. He was going to start trying to become a better person.
That made me glad cause then he knows she's not really a great person for him. Also 2 more girls came forward about her messing with their kids fathers. Apparently she only goes after guys with kids. Anyways Kevin. I know I'm all over the place. I know I probably bother with all this.
I'm at the point of just wanting to text him saying I miss you. I'm so close to doing that. I don't want to play games where I act like I don't want you or care just so that he can but I'm scared of being rejected that I just keep it all to myself. Help me please. I need to clear my head.
Hey e.p.,
Despite all the love you have for him, he still cheated on you...multiple times. And if you get back together, there's a good chance he will do it again. The only way you and him can be in a healthy trusting relationship where he is loyal to you is to make him work for you and make him realise that you won't put up with anything less than what you deserve. I know you wish things were simple and you could just tell him how you feel and he would reciprocate and you two would get back together. And to be honest, if you contact him, there's a chance it might work that way. But even if it does, I am quite sure he will go back to his old ways and you two will breakup again. So remember, this isn't about getting him back, it's about getting a relationship you deserve. A relationship that will make you happy and help you grow in life. A trusting relationship. There's only one way to have that relationship with your ex. If it doesn't work that way, you should move on so you can have that relationship with someone else.
Hi Kevin, I've asked to subscribe yet when i click confirm on my emails it says I already have (which i did a few weeks ago then unsubscribed). How come I cant re-subscribe on the same email address?
Hey Charlie,
To resubscribe you will again have to click on the unsubscribe link in one of the emails and select the subscribe option. The emails will start from where you left them.
Maybe it was just a rebound but since he was doing things with her like if it was a serious relationship I took it as if it wasn't. That same day they broke up later on that night he was out with his sister. She posted a snapchat with him and he was all smiling. Thank you Kevin, I'll just have to see what happens :)
Also I forgot to add that I happened to text him the same day they broke up cause I wanted to talk about something important about our daughter and I had asked if we can meet up somewhere so I can explain everything he then replied saying tell me now I said nevermind just forget it and he replied again saying tell me but then I said it's a lot to text and explain. I'll explain when you come pick up our daughter. He didn't reply after that.
Now I feel like he probably thinks I was trying to get back or something but I really was just trying to explain something to him and I still didn't know they were broken up so he probably thought I knew and saw a chance but it wasn't even like that.
You are overthinking a small conversation. Stop trying to figure out what's going on in his mind. It doesn't matter.
Hello Kevin,
Please help me,I really would like to get my ex back.I am 28 ,she is 27.We were living together for 2 years.We broke a week ago.The hings were not going great lately,so we decided to take a break(20 days) and decide what we are going to do afterwards.And so we did.During the break we exchanged messages twice and we spoke on the phone once.After the period ended my girlfriend called me and told me that we need to talk.I went to her place to hear that she doesn't want to be with me anymore,that she is feeling great back at her home,she is not tired anymore,she can spend a lot of time with her friends and so on.My reaction was calm.I told her that if she has decided that she will feel better alone,i will respect her decision.She asked me 3 times what do i think is the right decision and admitted that she is afraid that she might not take the right decision.I told her that i want her back, but if she has decided to break up with me ,so be it.So i went back home .After 2 days i decided that it will be a good idea to call her and talk .I invited her to a cup of coffee.I tried to convince her to get back with me,but had no success.We agreed that she will pick her stuff in the next 2 days and get back to her parent's house.During that break i tried to convince her one more time to reconsider and get back with me.Again , i had no success.So a week ago she came to pack her stuff.We didn't speak much.Right before leaving she told me it was a great experience to live with me for 2 years .I told her that it was a great experience for me as well.She melted down and started to hug me and kiss me.Before she left ,she gave me a passionate kiss.Next day it was a holiday ,so i decided to surprise her .I went to the store and bought few roses.Called her to set up the meeting and went to her house shortly after.The result was the same.She melted down ,she was very surprised and started hugging me and kissing me.Right after i left she messaged me:I'm really happy,You still bring the joy in me.Another 2 days passed and i called her to set up a new meeting,but this time i offered a drink. She told me she has plans and maybe she won't be able to meet me.The problem is that i don't know what i'm supposed to do.Do i have a chance ?That kiss means a lot to me,but does it really mean anything to her?Should i start the nc phase?Please help me.Really appreciate your help.
Thank you,
Stoyan
You do have a chance. Yes, start no contact. And follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you or the quick response.We broke because she lost her attraction for me.Could you please be more specific and tell me :How long should the nc phase continue ?Do you think i have a slight chance of getting her back or is it more than that?
Hey,
Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. You should not end no contact until you have done everything in the checklist. You have a decent chance of getting her back. But you should also be prepared for the worst. There's also a chance you may never get her back. Which is why you should do no contact and not end it until you are prepared mentally for either outcome.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your help.Just a quick update.She called me yesterday to tell me that she won't be available this Friday,but she wants to arrange a meeting next week.I'm confused with her behavior.Is this some kind of a backup plan?
Is it ever a good idea to skip the nc phase?
Thank you,
Stoyan
Rarely. I always recommend no contact, if nothing else, to give you a better perspective about your relationship with your ex and your life without your ex.
She has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back together. So, I'll recommend you start no contact and tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup. Her behavior is pretty common. She doesn't want to lose you completely and doesn't want to be with you as well. Hence, the confusing behavior.
Well he would say he loves her so I'm sure it hurts him and he was saying and acting like she was the one. I just think he wasn't hurt with me cause he was so quick to replace me and just move her in with him after I had just left for a month. Plus he didn't try to make things better when I left. He didn't fight for me & the relationship. I don't know maybe he was hiding them but I can't focus on this. I have a goal and it involves my full mind on that. I'm just going to let time pass and let him heal and well the whole situation.
Hey e.p.,
All those were signs of a rebound relationship and in my experience, they don't hurt so much when they end. But it's a good idea to not focus on this. Good luck. :)
Hello Kevin, it has been a while,
After 2 months of strict NC (6 month post BU, 4 year old relationship) my ex sent me a very emotional email, explaining to me that he needed to delete me from his facebook because he needs to move on and can't do that when he sees my face every were (I haven't posted any picture in 3 months) and feels that I can see what he posts.
He also said that he feels ashamed and doesn't feel like he deserve to have a life. I know he was posting some things and hiding them from me.
He sent me this from a new email account and at the end he said that I shouldn't feel forced to reply but that if I did I should do on that email address. (which makes me believe that he is trying to hide that from a potential new gf)
He also said that it wasn't a goodbye forever and did other odd things like linking a cute picture that 'he though I would like' and music advice. (In a closure email? Seriously?)
What do you think of this? Of his attitude? Should I reply? (I never send a magic letter to agree with the BU etc.)
TBH, I don't know if I would want him back. I am moved on almost completely, but just out of curiosity if I wanted him back in the long run what should I do/say?
Thank you a lot
Don't reply to the email. Wait a week or two and establish contact again. Skip the magic letter and just send a text or short email. But only do it if you are absolutely sure you want him back. Since you have completely moved on, trying to get him back might take you a step back.
I though I should reply and give him clsure and let him know that I'm ok with the break up and "release him" from his guilt so that we can establish a 'fake' friendship
Why do you think I shouldn't? And how do you read his attitude? I'm very confused
Thanks again!
Hey Helen,
That might also work. But the reason I told you not to reply is because you said you have almost moved on and you are not sure if you want him back. And in my opinion, you should only contact him if you are absolutely sure you want him back.
He has been missing you and trying to work through his grief. A reply from you will probably make him feel better. If you want to get back together, now is probably the right time to make a move. But like I said before, only do it if you are sure you have bright future with him. If you aren't sure, contacting him will make moving on harder for both of you.
Thank you very much for your help Kevin, I just have a few last things to ask you,
I'm not sure I want him back because I'm not sure what kind of person he is now and the BU changed me as well. But I would need to see him and talk to him to know.
He lives in another town (1h away by plane), I was thinking about replying to him my closure email so that he doesn't feel so much guilty about me and not frighten to see me again.
What would be a good move? Send my email then see if he respond? I finish my email by saying that when the timing is right we can try to get in touch and that I would like to hear from him sometimes,
I don't know if thats good, what do you think?
Some people told me he sent me that to catch my attention, probably feeling that I was moving on do you think that could be the case?
Again thank you!
Yes, that could be the case. He could also be sincere about what he said in the mail. If the reason for your doubt is what you said, then you should contact him. Send him the email and see how it goes from there. Good luck. :)
Hey Kevin
So today I was told that they broke up. I believe she broke up with him for her ex boyfriend who's still in jail and has a girlfriend which is also the mother of his daughter(who's the random girl I told you about). She messaged me asking how I was and if his new girlfriend(ex now) has messaged me or something, I said no and she said she had messaged her telling her she wasn't with my ex anymore and that she was gonna get back with the girl's boyfriend(the random girl)
What is now hurting me is thinking that he's most likely heartbroken by her but he wasn't heartbroken when we ended. Was I not important? Was the love really no longer there? I'm not expecting him to come back to me but just knowing he's probably hurt by her hurts me. It's not that I wanted him in pain for me but knowing he felt some pain was a reassurance that he still felt something for me. Even though he's not going to show he's heartbroken since he's good at hiding feelings he still must be hurt right?
How can you be so sure? Even if he is hurting, it's probably because he feels rejected. Not because he lost someone special. And why do you think he wasn't heartbroken when you guys ended? If he is good at hiding his feelings, he was probably hiding his feelings.
Why i am not able to post a single comment?
Hi Kevin, Anjali again. I wanted to check in. I took your advice to let him keep initiating more and he was for a while via text. This past weekend I suggested a phone conversation ( because has suggested the last one about 2 weeks ago). He said sure for sunday and I told him maybe we could talk, depending on if I could get work done. I texted him late at night and asked if he was free. No response. Next day he apologized and said he'd been napping and didn't wake up. I said it was ok and that I was free later at night during week, except for some days. Since then, he hasn't responded. It's just been really bipolar behavior I guess. The day before I suggested the phone conversation ( which I did ver casually, not as an obligation) he'd texted me " I love you". In fact, he texted me that most of last week and now he's dropped off the face of the planet. I'm guessing he is busy with work/career stuff again? I'm not sure.
Overall, I'm not particularly distraught or upset. It has bothered me a bit, but I've been able to go on with my life just fine. I'm wondering if I should just let this keep playing out and see where it goes or change something? What do you think?
Thanks
Anjali
Let him initiate contact next and see how it goes. You don't need to change anything. Like I said before, don't keep waiting for him forever. Give yourself a time limit. And if he doesn't make a move till then, give him an ultimatum and move on.
Best article ive read on the internet really needed this !!!
Does this NC rule work even if the other party has moved out of state? I read on blogs and forums on Google this usually means they want to move on and it's over. However, there are some people I still talk to after moving and our relationship isn't that great.
Hey Esther,
It can still work. I have had cases where long distance relationships were reconciled. You just need to follow the plan until the texting part. And if he is interested, you will both start texting often and start talking on phone. You can eventually ask him to come on skype or suggest that you go over there for a short trip. But before all that, you need to do no contact and follow the first 3 steps.
Thanks so much for all your help. The problem is, I am dealing with a rather wishy-washy guy. Like you said, so far I started NC in hopes he would miss me and clean up. The break up was rather bad and even when I hinted he would miss me in the future and come back his response was: "There is nothing for me to come back to. I've moved on." Indeed, he started dating women only 1-2 months after we broke up. He is having rebounds.
This is the problem: I can't figure out if he really means what he has said, or it is just out of anger. I had sent him quite a few email messages the past two weeks so of course he would be a bit irritated.
I have been in similar situations and usually after 2-3 months the other party has a change of heart and misses you. When I tried to reach out to them again after that sliver of time, they instantly regretted arguing/whatever went on between us thst caused the split. Time apart had patched up the holes in the relationships. Some I did have to let go, but at least was able to move on thanks to NC. This time I am not so sure because he now lives out of state (when he moved he said he did it for the money since we were in Southern California with a high COL, but then I heard this is usually a way of saying he doesn't want to try any longer so I'm not sure). Either way, he continued talking to me after the move.
We had a very toxic relationship and I am thinking even if we can't get back together, try to clear our heads. Forget about the past. NC is great for helping clean people like that up, or at least moving on. What is your advice? I'm thinking at least 65 days of NC.
I agree, you should do no contact for 65 days especially if it was a toxic relationship. If you still want him back, you can contact him after that and see where he stands.
The problem is, now I've fallen into a vicious cycle where I continuously have the urge to contact him. I don't remember it being this hard with my other relationships. I told myself I would stop writing emails or texts to him, and then I always have more to say. So I would let it all out even after telling him I started NC.
Needless to say, we've reached that point where he no longer believes I can do NC. This is problematic as he's taken for granted I can't move on from him. Even when I say, "This is the last message you'll receive because I want to clean up" or something to that effect, he's always like: "Yeah, but this is what you said weeks ago and it hasn't stopped." I've finally concluded the only thing to do is just write down all these extra thoughts in a notebook. I did succeed in keeping quiet for two days, but still had to send one more message to him. The first few days are always the hardest.
Hey Esther,
It helps when you have things to do and look forward to do. Try giving yourself some goals. Start a new hobby and keep yourself busy for a couple of weeks. It'll get easier after that.
It's also important to note that most exes will indeed try to worm their way back into your life. You may not be able to have a relationship with them again but I recall many instances where I wrote one up after many months or years just to apologize for dumping them, explain myself and wish them well. Or the opposite happens, they write to me.
Esther, i'm also in a NC at the moment. I've written many emails that i kept in my drafts but didn't send, and i continued in a notebook, which converted into a diary.
This will be usefull when NC is over, either if we get back together or not. It's nice to have your thoughts in one place so that you can read them again later. If we get the 100% of trust & respect (which we never had), maybe i will even give to her to read.
Yeah I'm not going to put myself in that situation where I'm sure he'll come back and then he doesn't cuz I don't want to be waiting. I've come to terms with the idea of him not ever coming back to me and I'm ok if he doesn't. I'm just moving on with my life, trying to just become a better person.
If he was to come back I'd have to think about it real good. I wouldn't take him back right away either cause he'd have to prove he's committed and if he can't then I'm not going to get involved with him. Thank you Kevin.
Hello Kevin,
It's been a couple of days since I last posted. Well just wanted to update you. All day today I've been thinking of reasons why I'd want my ex back & well only ones I can't think of is he's my daughter's dad and well still have love for him BUT I don't feel the desperate need of wanting him back. Even though I had a dream with him last night that we got back.
I actually went out the other night and met some guy. We talked and I had fun with him, we didn't exchange numbers but while I was talking to him I realized I can have happiness wherever I go. My ex isn't my happiness. Talking to this guy was an ego boost as well since he kept complimenting me all night. He was attractive as well.
I guess my ex disappointed me so much with this new relationship that I just don't feel bad anymore I just feel sorry. His aunt called me the other day saying how the girl is bad influence on him, he doesn't seem to want to do anything but to be with her. That they don't even know what he saw in her, no one there likes her. She also said she's sure we're going to get back but right now he seems to be in this phase. I told her even if he comes back I can't guarantee I'd give him a chance even if I'm still in love with him.
He'd have to change drastically and actually want to be committed to me. I also told her I've grown to see things differently that I won't put up with any b.s. from him or anyone. I'm sure he can see the change in me and that I wouldn't be scared to walk away. The other day he surprised me since he kept texting me asking about our daughter and was like I miss her. Since I moved out he's never texted me saying he misses her. I just replied saying "she misses you too". I'm sure he sees that I'm happy with myself and like I'm just genuinely happy with everything since a lot of people have told me that I look happy now.
Also the girl I had told you about sent me another screenshot of what his girlfriend said to her and she said that once he comes out of jail he's going to be with her. She told me to send it to my ex but I told her no that I would let him learn when she f**ked him over. He'll learn the hard way. Cause if I said something I'd look like I'd desperately want to separate them. Apparently everyone is sure we'll get back cause everyone's sure he's going to come back to me.
Hey e.p.,
Everyone is probably right about him wanting to come back to you. But be prepared for the other possibility. There's a very slight chance he might not want to come back (even after his relationship fails). And if that happens, you don't want to be the one succumbing to rejection and acting needy. I am not saying it'll happen. I am just saying you should be prepared for anything. Even if he doesn't want to come back, keep your head high and move on with your life. And if he does, then make sure you don't accept him without giving it a serious thought. Good luck!
kevin
plzzzz help me I am hell upset I cannot sleep whole night.i am very disappointed.my bf suddenly leave without telling any reason he is not takibg my calls and not relying my text even he blocked me whats app I am hell upset I want him back.i did begging and lot of plead but he is not replying what I should do now.help me...
You should follow the plan Jenny.
Apologies for the long comment/post!
I've been going through the no-contact phase for 3 weeks now (tried it previously but did actually make contact a few times, and even had a few really good 'general chats' for between 45-60 minutes each with ex on the phone - she even provisionally agreed to meet up for coffee/drink but in my view has been blowing hot and cold ever since given the subsequent messages I have received!) but wanted to try and do this properly.
The issue is that having had absolutely NO contact whatsoever at all for a while I'm beginning to think that my ex is forgetting about me completely and moving on, thinking I have probably given up trying to contact her! It's all very confusing as I want her to still have some thoughts about me, even if they are not in a 'romantic' way right now as I realise she needs time (but therein lies another problem...how much time does someone need until they realise they might have done the 'wrong' thing by splitting up).
All this time I've been working on 'improving myself', de-cluttering at home (which is actually very therapeutic), going out for exercise, getting involved with charity work in an advisory role etc., but unfortunately I have been unlucky on the work front as a I am semi-freelance worker (something I did while we were together which she accepted/understood). Given the need to project elements of 'security' and 'stability' to a partner should I wait until I have my work position more stable before looking to get back in serious contact with her or drop her the occasional message to let her know I'm still interested in her life?
Should I write her a handwritten (NOT typed!) letter to let her know exactly how I feel, given that I may not get the opportunity to say the things I want to in person?
Hey Andy,
She will either realise that she made a mistake, or she will realise that breaking up was a good option and will start thinking about moving on. Either way, you will have the opportunity to re-attract her after no contact is over. If you have made changes, she will notice it and will realise the new relationship will not be the same as the old one and hopefully will want to get back together (even if she thinking about moving on during no contact). If she doesn't then you gave it your best shot and you should try to move on as well.
Do not write a letter telling her how you feel. Only follow the template mentioned in the article. Keep it short so as to leave things to her imagination. You don't have to wait until you have your work position stable. As long as you are working towards a stable work position and are passionate about it, you are as good and attractive as someone who has security and stability.
Hi Kevin!
I broke up with my ex about almost 2 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision, as he said he lost feelings and didn't want to love anymore and wanted to be single.
So I agreed and then we broke up, we've made no contact since. But I started missing him alot and so I came to your site. I was glad I was doing the no contact thing right from the start. However, my friend got into a conversation with him just yesterday and he told her he's gladly moving on from me and has no feelings for me anymore. What do I do? Please do reply fast as it's been giving me sleepless nights now a days.
Thanks in advance!
-Aakriti
Just because your friend says so doesn't mean it's true. A lot of people are very good at hiding their true state from the world (and sometimes even themselves). Give him time. And don't obsess over his progress during no contact. Concentrate on your progress.
Hey dont worry if he is going to move on then you should its obvious he isn't right for you and yes I know you feelings will say different but you deserve better if he thinks that
you never know;he could have visited this website just like you are! I think he might be saying that he's moving on, but he's really thinking about you
hey Kevin, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I responded back to your post but I did it directly under our conversation.... I was not sure if your able to see that or not. In that response I did have a few more questions if you don't mind. Thanks again for your time.
did my post not get approved because it isn't a heterosexual relationship? We need advice to...
Hey Andrew,
The posts here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post in the message boards and it'll be approved within 24 hours. It has nothing to do with your relationship being heterosexual or homosexual.
If the post don't get approved are we notified via mail or do we just have to wait and se if it pops up?
Hey Richard,
You don't get an email. This is why I started the message boards. Your post will get approved within 24 hours and after that you are free to post whenever you want. Moreover, you get an email every time someone replies and you have the ability to subscribe to topics.
Yes it does. If he did it to me he'd do it to her. The girl messaged me again saying that my ex's new girlfriend wrote a letter to her boyfriend in jail and he received it yesterday.
Unfortunately I was trying to keep this away from my family. I didn't want them to find out cause we all the new gf but my aunt found out and told me something. She also said how my ex's new girlfriend has a boyfriend in jail that she supposedly loves. This confirmed that, that boyfriend in jail is the random girl's baby daddy. Funny how this whole drama only revolves around 5 people, we're all connected.
Yeah I'm trying to hold on to not wanting him back cause I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and I just want to feel that anymore.
His life has been constant drama for a long time. When you were with him, your life was as well. The breakup is your opportunity to get out of the drama and live a healthy life where you can grow and concentrate on achieving your goals.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i feel like on one end my gut says that talking like this could be the beginning of a new relationship. on the other end it says this is his way of just staying commitment free while having me in his life too, which isn't fair to me. i'm not sure which feeling is stronger.
Both of them are right. How about this? Give yourself a time limit. A month, two weeks. Whatever suits you. If things don't progress in that much time, then tell him what's on your mind.
Hi Kevin,
So last night he texted me he loves me, and misses me so much, and he's been looking at my pictures all the time. i'm really confused now. i'm not sure if i should just keep playing it cool or be like" nothing is stopped you from being with me. you could still find jobs around here if you wanted like you said."
I'm not sure if that is being pushy or would be appropriate given what he's generally been saying and since he's been texting me a lot. i just don't know how to handle this situation. am i supposed to put my foot down and tell him to get his ***t together or keep just being responsive for this to go anywhere constructive.
Hey Anjali,
I know it's hard, but I'll recommend you wait a little longer. Let him make the moves for a while. If he doesn't or you just can't take it anymore, then you can go ahead with putting your foot down and/or telling him to get job where you are. However, and this is the important part, if he rejects you, then you should tell him to cut contact and that you can't let him continue stringing you along and stopping you from moving on.
So they live together now & have been for probably 2 weeks. Anyways some random girl messaged me on Facebook saying that she knew his new girlfriend too and where they're from she's known for being an easy girl. She also told me that she ruined her relationship with her kids dad.
She was telling me that she's a homewrecker and she always does this. She also told me that my ex's new girlfriend messages her still talking crap to her about her now again boyfriend(baby dad). She was telling me that his new girlfriend was only living with my ex cause she needed somewhere to live and that she was sure that as soon as her baby dad got out of jail she was gonna leave my ex to go mess with her man again.
She said she's been putting up with this girl for 4 years or so. That she doesn't leave her boyfriend alone. This girl also said she messaged my ex telling him everything about her cause apparently my ex was liking all this girls pictures on instagram and so she called him out and sent it to his new girlfriend saying "Your man is being thirsty" etc. so in other words he might be doing her dirty too.
After I was messaging with this girl for a while I came down to not caring about their relationship anymore. It's fake and I'm more of a woman than her. He said she was when I first found out and that hurt but now I know I'm worth more. They don't phase me anymore. Still don't want her around my daughter.
She was telling me a lot of things and just said worry about yourself and daughter believe me he's going to see he messed up. I realized I'm so much better than this to be losing my focus on them. This girl helped to see that this girl is nowhere near my level. She'll never have what we had. They both will see that soon. Now I don't really want him back. But we'll see in the future but as of now I'm over him and her. I want someone who will appreciate me and love me.
This just confirmed everything we talked about their relationship. Hold on to that thought about not wanting him back.
Well, it's been over a month since we broke up, and now I feel it's the time to break the no-contact period. But, looks like she got a new boyfriend (guess it's that rebound relationship). Should I wait until they break up, or should I contact her now? Thanks
If you satisfy all the points mentioned in the checklist (Step 4), then you should contact her, regardless of her having a new boyfriend.
Kevin,
So I have done everything wrong in the book after my ex gf cheated with an old friend she kept secret from everyone and and broke up with me. we did spend time after the whole cheating thing and we slept together and she told me she loved me and came to cuddle with me. Later that week She said that she did not know if she wanted to be with me. Then as I pressured her she said she did not want to be with me right now and had this whole plan of talking, then being friends, then working on things. Then I told her I could not do that and we had to part ways because I could not be friends with her. Then I broke down and did everything wrong in the book
like not giving her space to begging, over the next few days. through all this it's like she became colder and was also communitcating with the guy and she lied to me and said she would not go out on valintines day but I put 2 and 2 together and realized she went and spent the weekend with the guy. Through out this she also was almost flaunting how happy she was living single life and telling me this guy just keeps in contact with her. I felt like she strung me along to see if things would work out with the other guy. But the whole weekend she asked me to not contact her but once again bugged her. After her weekend with him she then texted me that she made her decision if she wanted to work on things and said she no longer wants to see me or for me to contact Her. I have not contacted her since. she also blocked me on fb the next day after my old ex commented on a picture she was tagged in And then the next day she deleted her fb when another girl liked my photo... It could be coincidence but the timing was to good. Then 6 days after her telling me to contact Her she hacked a co workers fb that she knows I am friends with and posted that this female co-workers favorite person is my ex and that that female would be incomplete without her. I ignored the comment as I felt it was directed to get a ride out of me. Could be coincidence again but to good to not be. It's been about 10 days since no contact And I can pony imagine she is still talking to this guy and hanging out with him. I just find it hard to believe she is over me that fast. What should I do? What do you think my chances are?
You should do no contact for at least three months. She cheated on you and she is incredibly manipulative and dramatic. Unless you want a lot of drama and get cheated on again, you should stay away from her. But it has to be your choice, not mine. Do no contact for 3 months, and I mean complete no contact. Remove her from social media, don't talk about her with mutual friends, nothing. And if after that you still want her back, then contact her. Trust me, you will still have a pretty good chance. But still, don't consider taking her back unless she shows remorse and is willing to work on building the trust back again (because it is going to be really hard to do that).
Kevin,
Thanks for the advice. I do have a few more questions Though. She did noT show remorse from the beginning when she was caught. Now she says she did not sleep with this guy just talked with him... But I have my doubts. If she did not show remorse from the beginning is that necessarily a bad thing? She did get angry every time I called her out on hanging out with him after. She also turned her family on me to think it was all my fault. I just don't know what to think. What am I suppose to do if she contacts me before or even after those 3 months? I mean this girl crushed my heart And even gave herself to another man and then told me that she was sorry I was hurting. she wasn't sorry for doing the act she was just sorry I was hurting... And she is like on a high right now at the fact that she crushed me and had the power to tell me not to contact Her.
Yes, it's a bad thing that she didn't show any remorse. And it's even worse that you gave her enough power to crush you more. But that doesn't matter. Once you start no contact, you will realise this breakup was a blessing in disguise. You will realise that you dodged a bullet there. And if she tries contacting you, don't answer her. If she continues, tell her you need time and space and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
Do you think someone like that can ever change and develop a conscious ? The thing is I always new something was off about her. She was always distant. She was sexually abused as a child and I think it had a lot to do with who she is today. I tried to tell her she needs help but she said she got help as a kid and she does not need to see anyone. But she is in denial. She needs mental help. I felt so compelled to save her and to protect her. That's why I was so crushed that she did this to me after all I did for her. She threw every excuse at me on why she does not want to be with me. Anywhere from well it's the way you talk to me... And she said I need to work on my self and she needs to work on herself. She even tried telling me she was not sexually satisfied which sounds like bs because she was the one who got more pleasure than I did. It's just hard to understand everything that happened and how fast it happened and spirlrd down hill. It's like she wanted me to be jealous of this other guy and compete with him. And in the long run I looked desprite and the other guy didn't so he got the best of her. Now I just want the satisfaction of getting her back so then I could get even and get my self esteem back then leave her and move on with my life. I guess you can say I want to get even.... Is that the wrong thing to do?
Yes, that's a very wrong thing to do. Not only morally but because it's going to take a lot out of you if you start playing into her games. A better idea will be to move on. You know how they say the best revenge is living well? That's the best way to go in your situation. And yes, someone like her can change, but it usually takes years of therapy and it's very rare. And I won't recommend you sit around waiting for that to happen.
I mean what if it was the way I talked to her... Sometimes we got into heated arguements. And I would ignore her for sometime till things killed over... I said some mean things to her too. But, I don't kmow... If you love someone you work on issues together wouldn't you say? It still makes no sense on why she would lie to me then make plans to cheat on me behind my back. She did cry and say she knows she hurt me a few days after cheating.
. But then she also kept trying to justicy what she did was right. But when I told her no it was wrong and that she knew it was wrong she said yea she knew it was wrong when she was doing it but did not seem remorse full. I mean was this her nature to cheat or do you think she just broke mentally... She said to me that she always felt something was missing from the relationship... But why stay with me for almost 3 years.... She asked me if counseling would help us an. I shut the idea down because I was upset at her and I felt I put more into the relationship than she did. She never tried spicing our love life up. but know that she has interest in another guy shes working out more and eating way better and got her old job back and is shopping buying new clothes and even got back on birth control to have better sex... All for this guy... And I even told her that the not being on birth control was really a barrier in me getting pleasure... So it's like I don't know what to think... Did I mess up so much she turned cold.... Was it my fault.... If it was should I try winning her back .... I am so lost.... Like I can move on and all ... But I have a strong love for her. Stronger than I ever felt before. I mean she is young age 22 and I am 28 ... Could I be mad at her for wanting to explore at a young age... I did meat her when she was 19 and had already 8 partners... So it's like she has had a fair share.... I just do not know what to think. Now I think she is seeing that guy she kept secret from everyone who is 34. But I don't know for sure.... Should I even bother with this girl anymore.... could it have been all my fault ? She has always been in a constant state of " she does not know." Like was always worried about something or uneased ... Like she would always pick at her finger tip skin and I would tell her that's not normal.
It wasn't your fault. Your relationship would have ended the same way no matter what you did. The only thing you could have done is broke up with her sooner when you saw the signs of her being manipulative or a cheater (and there were probably signs).
And if she comes back around and we get back together... How many times will she seek outside the relationship.. is this always going to be a concern for me that she will seek outside the relationship ? epecially as easy as she did ...Its all puzzle to me. Is like this guy sweet talked her and all she could see was wanting to be intamite with this guy. And even told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want to contact her anymore. It's like she is blindsided and does not care...
If she comes back, you should not get back together unless you are absolutely sure she will not do it again. And for you to be absolutely sure, she needs to show that she is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and make the relationship work. Unless she does, you should not accept her back.
Hey Kevin,
So I tried to obey what you avdvised me to do which was complete no contact. I got three weeks into it and had a relapse and texted her twice about 3 days apart. She did not block my number but and she got my text but she never answered. One text was about a key to my front gate that I needed and another was about being friends with benefits.... I know very stupid of me. Anyways I went into no contact once again and it's been about 45 days since I lasted reached out and it's been about 2.5 months since she told me not to contact her anymore. I am pretty sure that she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with and about a month ago. I could be wrong but my guesses have been right thus far. I have not heard from here since she last texted me not to contact her. I have mixed feelings still and I get the urge to conract her and think about her miss her so on and so forth. I have went out with a few girls already but just no sparks yet. I feel if I contact her she will think I am weak and she will gain power again. Should I just keep hanging in there on no contact? Or reach out to her? What did you mean when you said the relationship would have ended the same way no matter what? Is she a sociopath you think ? I keep getting dragged into these thoughts that its my fault. I think it has a lot to do with her mother texting me that it was my fault her daughter cheated when all of this drama went down. But I don't know I think I was responsible and doing everything a man should have been doing which was taking care of the house hold. I mean I was working 85 hours a week, managing all he bills, etc while she just had to go to school which she didn't. She also had to cook and clean which she did about 80 % of the time. While I was working she was busy making devastating plans behind my back and starting rows with me. Anyways, I do appreciate your advice. Should I really just give up hope on wanting to be with her? Everyone tells me I am crazy to want to be with her still after all she has done.
Hey Matt,
I wouldn't go so far as calling her a sociopath. But she has issues and I don't think it'll be possible for you to have a long healthy relationship with her. Her mother calling you and blaming you for the cheating is just the icing on the cake. You can see where her remorselessness comes from. I will recommend you start no contact again. Do it at least for 3 months. Date other girls during this time. If possible get therapy. Her cheating on you was not your fault. I am pretty sure she will cheat on the next guy as well. You can't control her behaviour. You can however, build yourself back up again, and find someone who will make you happy. So, start no contact again and do not break it this time. No matter what.
Yea I agree; I do not think I could have a healthy relationship with her. i think she is screwed up in the head. There is a lot of things I left out to describe what she has done. But the sickest part is that the guy she cheated on me with and is still with... He is 10 years older than her and has been "hanging out" with her since she was 15 years old. She knows the relationship with this guy was in appropriate she she kept him secret and she admitted that she did not want anyone to pass judgement on her and that now she is older no one can tell her what to do. She also said she is sick of everyone telling her what to do and that she wanted to "lose" herself. She also mentioned that this guy has only been dating around and has not found "the one" which it seems to me like she was trying extra hard to be "the one" for him. I believe that her relationship with this guy is way inappropriate but there's nothing I can do about it as she has silenced me by stretigically getting everyone on her side. So this is one of the main reasons I do not think her relationship with this guy will not end anytime soon. When she had did all this she made sure to put me down in every way and to do things that showed she had ZERO respect for me. I mean do people like her ever regret what they do?
In some instances, they do. If somehow they realise there is something wrong with them and decide to get professional help. But that shouldn't be any of your business. Because even if she were to regret her actions, it won't be anytime soon. You should be concentrating on moving on and removing her completely from your life.
Kevin,
Say theoretically I wanted to tech out to her and get back with her... What would be the best way to approach her? The bottom line is that she cheated, was really disrepectful after, minipulative, lied a whole lot, turned her family against me, said the most hateful thinks to me like I am going to be a bad husband and a bad father and that she is not satisfied with me and even went to great lengths of trying to make me feel jealous by saying how all these guys are hitting on her and that the guy she cheated on me with is just friends and stays in touch. she even poked fun and seemed to enjoy toying with me about telling me how good I looked but then in the same sentence she did that she did not know if she wanted to rip my clothes off and have sex with me and when I tried to have sex with her she said its not going to happen because she does not want to cloud her judgement.... Makes no sense to me especially after she told me she is not satisfied with me and that she wants to loose herself in sex but then says she does not want Rush into a relationship right now... But then moves in with this other guy a month after all this.... Makes no sense. But say I wanted to get her back.... What would be the best way to approach her / reach out to her and try to win her back?
I also forgot to mention that she has not tried reaching out to me at all since she told me not to contact her and that she no longer wants to see me. But I recently found out that she either got fired or quit her job she just got back a month after she told me to not contact her anymore and around the same time I suspected she moved in with this guy... In addition, her. Brother told me that his sister has cheated before and has trouble understanding why it's wrong... He also told her that she could not sleep around with married guys at my new job sight when I was with her which I questioned but she said she did not know why he would say something like that but at the same time she was smerking. One of the last times I spoke to this girl she was laughing and asking me if I was mad and asking me if I was going to kill her.... This statement blew my mind because I have never threatened or payed a hand on her in that way. Does that sound like a girl is normal?
Hey Matt,
No, the girl doesn't sound normal. I recently read somewhere that in a relationship there is never only one crazy person. There are always two. It makes sense to me from personal experience and from helping so many people with breakups and relationships. So, if you want to be with her, then guess what, you are not normal either. Instead of trying to figure out how to get back with her, I'll recommend you try to figure out why you want to be with her. Work on learning more about yourself and what lead you into a relationship with a person like her and what is compelling you to still want to be with her and keeping you obsessed with her.
Also, it has been about 2 1/2 months since I last contacted her. If I wait too long, won't this limit the chances I have to getting her back? Especially if she moved in with the new guy one month afrer last speaking with me...
Well I got in conract with her. She told me she got married two months ago to the guy she ran off with. She told me how happy she was and they they are going to try for kids soon. She told me that she fell in love with this guy 6 years ago when she first layed eyes on him. She told me that marrying him was the best decision of her life and she is so happy. She still had zero simpathy for cheating on me with him. She said she knew that's who she wanted to be with and that she is sorry I was caught in the middle. She said she did not use me that she was only laying to herself about marrying me. She told me that she went to Italy for her hubby moon and it was great. She then told me that she is needs to not talk to me anymore as it's rude she's talking to me on the phone and her husband does not know. I called her out and said she was talking with thingy and spent a weekend with him behind my back. She said it's different she is married not and there are boundaries. Then we got off the phone. She then texred me 20 minutes later and said to please keep the conversation private as she does not want her marriage tovbe ruined if he were to find out. She set a marriage with cheating and lying. Anyways I just wanted to get your final take on that. There was more to the convo but too much to type. She also told me that she is not going to block my number but if I keep calling her and texting her she will. I had not texted her the other day. Then she told me to only communicate through email the that she is only to use email to communicate with me and not suppose to talk on the phone with me because it is rude to her husband.
I hope you got enough closure to not talk to her ever again. I will not be surprised if she contacts you after a while. If she does, completely ignore her. This girl is probably going to cheat on her husband as well. I just hope you don't allow yourself to be the one she cheats on him with. You deserve better than her. Do complete no contact and move on with your life.
Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate you helping me through this rough time. You give good advise. I guess it's one of those things where you ignore your own internal instincts. I seen her for what she was in the beginning of the relationship but by then it was too late she had me brain washed with the image of her being a great girl. I just ignored my instincts and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But now I realize she is a person with a lot of issues that have really bad outcomes. Her previous relationships before me were train recks. I was the only one who stuck it out so long. I had one more email convo with her and based on her reponse I concluded she is using me to make her new husband jealous and trying to hurt me at the same time. She is a manipulating liar and I realized I cannot believe anything she says because it's BS. I stuck it out so long because her family embraced me into their lives, which I though was because they cared for me. However, in the end they all turned on me because their daughter minipulated them into thinking I was bad to her even though she lied to them and they know that she lied about cheating. But, I should have seen this coming because her mother only talks about have a "provider." Like mother like daughter. Either way I blocked her completely and I am looking in the present and future. Once again I appreciate you for what you do Kevin.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me. and that she did not want to be with me right now.
Hello Kevin,
I wanted to reach out to you as it seems you give good advise. My ex gf of 3 years cheated on me and is still seeing the guy. She says they are just friends but she lied to me and spent a weekend with this guy and then told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want me to contact her. Now from the time she cheated till the time she saw this guy again was about 3 weeks or so (it could have been sooner but she would have hid it from me). Now she says he just keeps in contact with her. During these 3 weeks my ex was living with me in another state and told me that she was leaving me because she feels in her heart that we are not meant t be together and that she does not love me how she should to marry me and that she hates the way i talk to her which she said turns her off to me. So i broke down like any normal guy would but then i respected the fact she was leaving in 2 days. now i gave her all the space she needed to pack up all her things the next day and i went about taking her off my insurance to show i accepted the break up. Now i got home late that day and she had not packed a single thing. I asked her what was going on and she said she does not have a single reason today on why she wants to leave. so i continued giving her space to pack. finally mid night i said to her you need to make a decision. So she stayed. now this time living on this other state was a hard time and she became really depressed there. So i mentioned to her to go visit her family back home. she contemplated but then decided to go. A few days before she was going to leave she talked about going on a vacation by herself a few hours away from home to clear her head. i told her it was strange but she was depressed so i said if she needed to do it then do it. I also told her that if she was going to meet someone there to tell me. she said she wont be meeting anyone there. Turns out she did meet someone there. She said they did not sleep together and that he was a really old friend who helps her get over relationships. (i find it hard to believe she did not have sex with this guy). However, she kept to her story about not sleeping with the guy. she called me after her vacation and said she did does not want to be with me anymore and that she was not in love with me and that i will find someone who will fit all my needs. I pleaded with her. We talked about some of the problems we had in the relationship. over the next few days we talked on the phone. she talked about us having resentment for each other and how she needed some space and that we could start being friends and then work on dating. I ended up moving back home a week later and she flew up to help me move since most of her things were in that house. On the ride she was avoiding talking about us and everything. she kept saying she does not know if she wants to be with me right now. we stopped at a few hotels. i came onto her and we were intimate a few times. She also came and cuddled with me numerous times and told me she loved me. She held my hand in the car on the trip here and there and said she loved me back. she said she would think about getting back with me that i just need to give her till next week. so toward the end of the trip we got into an argument and she cried and i told her i wanted nothing ever to do with her when we got back. i asked her what was even going to be her decision and she said she wanted to work on things but not like this. So we talked and decided too work on things. for the next couple of days she was just acting disconnected and treating me like a friend. I brought her flowers to her job one day but she seemed not too taken by it. later that day i asked her to stop by and we talked. she said she had her guard up with me and that's why she acted that way toward the flowers. she asked why i brought them. i said to be sweet and that i was thinking of her. She then went on to tell me that she did not know if she wanted to be with me still and that she wanted to be friends right now and work on things later. i told her i could not be friends with her and it was not going to work that way. she left pictures of us at my house so i packed all them up and gave them to her. she said why and i said because i do not want to be reminded of someone who does not want to be with me. for the next two weeks i still texted her and called her and she would still tell me things going on in her life and she kept growing more angry because i kept asking her to hang out. she said i was not over it. She also talked about if she started seeing someone else would i get mad. She started lying about her days off which was to hang out with this guy on Valentines day and spent the weekend there. i found out because i put two and two together. She told me before Valentines weekend that she would consider dating me again. but then went and hung out with this other guy. i bugged her through texts and told her how i felt it was wrong to leave me in the shadows and hang out with that guy. she told me to just stop and that she is sorry i am hurting. then she texted me then next week and said she no longer wants to see me and that she does not want to contact me. Throughout this whole ordeal, she was very cold and emotionless. she did seem like she liked me chasing her though like it was feeling good to her that she made me like this. so i have not contacted her since. but 2 days later she blocked me on fb when an old ex gf liked a photo she was tagged in. then she deleted her fb right after another girl like my photo and my old ex posted something on my wall. could have been coincidence but the timing of the events is what i was looking at. then 6 days later my current ex hacked someones (a female friend) fb that she works with and that i am friends with on fb and wrote a shot out saying that this persons favorite person is my ex and that my ex makes this persons life complete. to me it sounds too coincidental to me. especially the wording. and that is not normal behavior of my ex. so i still ignored it and have not said much. My other ran into her and said she seemed good and was smiling and laughing with her female friend. But i am so confused still on why she would put a post like that after the no contact in place. and through her telling me she did not want to be with me she was flaunting how happy she was to be single and she is enjoying being single and doing what she wants and she was tired of doing what everyone wants her to do. She also told me to go hang out with other girls and stay busy. So i just remain with the no contact. my question is since i messed up and looked super desperate and did not give her space and it came to her telling me she did not want to see me anymore.... what do you think the chances are that she will come back around? she said she was over it when she did not want to be with me. but i find it so hard to believe. she has always been a bottled person. Should i just let her contact me or should i reach out to her in a month or so? before i bugged her to much before she made her decision, she did make plans with me to hang out the next week and see how things go. but i believe she knew she was going to hang out with this dude the weekend before. could you help me out Kevin?
Also when I saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.
He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.
I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.
I don't think you messed up. To put it simply, you can't mess up no matter what you do around him. The only way for you to mess up is to keep obsessing over him and not move on with your life. What you do in front of him is kind of irrelevant because both of you shouldn't get back together. If he wants you back in the future, you can decide at that point if you want to get back together or not (after taking into consideration how much he is sincere and willing to change). But until then, there's no point in figuring out the "right" or "wrong" actions. Your mind will always try to obsess over little things simply because it doesn't want to let go, but it won't matter in the end.
Also quick question.
I seen a job opportunity that he can qualify for and I know he's not working do you think if I send him the information it'll look like I'm just trying to talk to him? Or just don't tell him anything about the job. It's an agency but it'll be something.
Sorry it's 3 different post but everything happened at different times.
Yes, you should tell him. Just send him a short email (if he checks his mail) or a text. Don't turn it into a conversation.
So I just saw him. We didn't bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what's been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it's been good things happening I just kept answering.
He was saying good for you, that's good, that job would be great! Etc... also since he's not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I'm glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.
I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I'm ok with being around him.
Hey Kevin,
I tried writing you earlier and my post said waiting approval. I was not sure if it was received or not.
Hey Matt,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.
Yeah I was thinking about it and it's pretty petty of me to do that. Also if he was to find out I was lying it'd make me look pretty pathetic.
I'm not fully ok with it but I'd rather him not do it behind my back cause I know he's still going to bring her around our daughter if that's what he wants to do, but, so then don't bring it up myself?
Thank, I will do that then and continue to talk to him occsasionally. he texted me that he loves me last night. Should I reciprocate when he expresses emotion like that?
It's tricky. I will recommend you don't. But there isn't any harm in doing it either. Save it for when he wants to get back in a relationship.
I'm prepared for the possibility that it isn't. I am trying to move on and not depend on him coming back. I don't want to be disappointed if he doesn't so I'm just trying to let him go slowly. Deep inside I can almost be 100% sure that he'll come back to me once he gets over this BUT I don't want to think about that.
I'm going to see him tomorrow, we're going to take our daughter to the doctors. Anyways what if I tell him "I know he's going to continue bringing that girl around our daughter so I might as well get use to it" & somehow add that I'm seeing someone too (which I'm not) but just to put that in his head and maybe he'd get jealous or at least he'll have that in his head.
Do you think I should do that? Or is that playing too many games?
Don't do that. There's no need to lie. He is already quite jealous of how you are handling yourself after the breakup. Which is the reason he feels the need to prove how happy he is in his new relationship. Playing into his game will only make him feel better about himself. As for the girl, if the topic comes up, let him know that you are OK with it (only do it if you ARE actually OK with it).
Hey Kevin,
The past few days have been tough to say the least.
Its been feeling virtually impossible to do no contact since we have classes together, live near each other, share all the same friends and his work is less than a fifteen minute walk from mine.
When he needs something like for me to call the health clinic he will stop at nothing to get a hold of me. He's said he cares about me and my safety but thats it. That he will never date me again because of how bad he perceives our old relationship. He's protective and worries about me but says he feels nothing romantically. Him and his extremely young girlfriend are still together (3 months now) and I'm worried its not a rebound though he's told his friends he realistically doesnt see them lasting. He held my hand and told me he has faith in me when it comes to my decisions about the pregnancy but thats about it. It feels like he's in control of everything and has the door closed on me. He said he knows how much his new girlfriend bothers me even though I denied it for over an hour. I don't know how to revive love or what to do. I thought I had a good chance and their relationship was weakening but it feels like she has him on lock. And I don't know what to say or do when it comes to him. I'm afraid if I do no contact itll just separate us more and if I get an abortion and do no contact he will just permenantly exit my life.
Like I said before, no contact is your best bet. It's the only way to take the power from him.
Hi Kevin,
It's Anjali. Hope you remember me. I've posted here before . I'm the one with the ex who wanted to break up because he was too invested in work/career and didn't prioritize me enough and we dated for about 2.5 yrs and have been texting on and off lately.
My ex contacted me on Valentines day to say happy valentine's day and that he wanted to talk. We talked the next night for 3 hours. For two hours we just talked and it was really fun. We still have a lot of chemistry. I thought we were just catching up and conversation wasn't going to go anywhere serious .Then, he suddenly got kind of emotional and started saying he loves me, he misses me, and he misses a lot of things about our relationship. He asked me if I wanted to visit him ( he's across the country) and if i would be in the same city in him over the summer. He also mentioned briefly he'd looked at jobs in / around my city but hadn't found anything. I told him I wasn't willing to do that because it was a hassel lying to my parents but he was welcome to come see me. I also said i had another internship i was prioritizing in another city so if i got that i would do that....but I also did reciprocate his emotion and told him I still love him too/ would be willing to try things again. He said he wants things to work out between us but is worried that he is still not "mature enough" and too work focused and things would go back to the way before. I suggested taking it slow/ talking on the without any sort of obligation because it was really fun and see where it goes and he agreed with that. He also asked me why i loved him because he knew he'd been a really shitty boyfriend.
Overall, it seemed like he was being quite genuine and vulnerable because he is usually not a very emotionally expressive. Thinking back I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Talking was really fun and it has been the past couple times we've caught up without the burden of the broken long distance relationship we had. I think he's realized that he lost something important to him and it has been hard to get over me for him too.
I'm not sure if I should be harder though and instead should tell him that if he thinks he's not "mature" theres things he can change and fix to be with me and he should find me once he gets his ***t together. I'm not sure if what is saying is just nonsense and he doesn't actually love me enough to be with me. I'm not sure if this technique would be more effective in terms of getting him back or keep talking in a friendly way/ be responsive but not initiate much and make him chase me because he misses me. I still want to be with him but I don't want to screw this up now that I know he does want to be with me. On one hand, I think that talking on the phone once in a while with the chemistry we had might help rebuild things into a better relationship. On the other hand, I'm worried that it will make me seem to easy and it won't go anywhere. Right now, I do think I have the upper hand to some extent and I could either really use it and cut him off or keep things in status quo. What do you think will work best?
Hey Anjali,
I think talking to him occasionally until he gets his life together and become mature enough for a relationship is a good idea. Don't cut him off completely, but don't be too available either. Don't be needy and let him make all the moves. Let him initiate contact most of the time and don't move to some other city just for him (don't make big life changes for him).
I do need to stop obsessing over his relationship with her. I miss that feeling of being in the honeymoon stage as well but I'm not out looking for it.
By what I've told you so far would you say it's a rebound? & if he'll eventually come back to me?
Yes, and yes. But I can't say how long it'll take for his relationship to end. Also, I may be wrong and you should be prepared for the possibility. You should focus on moving on and not depend on him wanting you back in the future.
Hello Kevin,
I'm starting to believe the relationship he's in, isn't necessarily a rebound. Reasons I believe this is, is because on a post of her he said "only known you for half a year" we have 3 months broken up. He also said "you stole my heart from the first day I met you" So that means he's been into her for some time now.
Yes I know he's known her for the same amount of time he's been working there since she would work there at times with her dad. But only thing I don't believe is she stole his heart since the start because he was still giving me attention and telling me he didn't want to lose me. He still told me that a couple weeks before we broke up, telling me how much he loved me.
He seems to be really into this relationship with her so it must be real right? Or what do you think Kevin? Think he'll want me back?
In my experience, a lot of rebounds seem like very intense and passionate relationships. Also, seeing his history, I think he was missing the high you get in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and now that he has it, he is consumed by it. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, they'll both realise if it's a real relationship or not. Until then, there is no point in analysing everything. More importantly, you need to stay away from her posts and try to stop obsessing over his relationships.
So I followed the steps saw my ex and just had a friendly conversation for about an hour seemed like everything was working perfect she told me she missed me I thought awesome I'll give it a couple days then see if she'd want to do something so I went to ask her now she's being super distant, I know she'd be skeptical about a relationship again what should I try?
Give her more space. A week or two.
Kevin, this is fucking fantastic. Thanks man. Did someone break your heart?
Thanks. I went through a bad breakup a few years ago. I have been doing this since then. :)
Yes I have been on a roller coaster ride with my feelings. One day I'm all sad and thinking about him but other days I'm fine and just feel happy. I will cherish those days because I feel great. :D
Halo Kevin I wrote something and can not find it....
Hey Maria,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them, please post your question on the message boards here.
Hello Kevin,
So today I found myself being extremely happy. I guess you can say I had a talk with myself and realized I lost nothing here. He did. If anything I gained. I still want him back and I'll always care about him but as of now I'm finally feeling like I'm finding myself. I have amazing friends who are there for me right now in these tough times. I have my family. Most importantly I have my daughter.
We're breathing, we're healthy, what more can I ask for? I also came down to I'm not ready for any sort of relationship right now. I need to focus on my own goal and purpose which is get a good job and get my own place with my daughter.
I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt that he's not with me BUT I also realized that him breaking up with me was the best thing he did. At least for now. Cause if he never would've left me I probably would've never walked out or maybe in years from now. God knows how my life would've turned out.
I guess it was a blessing in disguise. Again I would want for us to get back and give our family/relationship a try but not now. I need to focus and be selfish with my time right now. He needs to find himself as well and work on his own personal issues.
Just like your article said on the rebound, I'm going to let it run its course. The more I try to keep them apart the closer I'll bring them so I'm just going to let them do their thing and I'm going to do mine. Everyone says it's a fling,rebound, that he's blinded but that's no longer my problem only if it involves my daughter.
But yes what he does is not my business. It hurts to see it and hear about it so I asked everyone to not keep me updated. I'm happy with life. I use to be upset and feeling like I was being punished for his mistakes since I was left sad and heartbroken and he was all happy in a relationship but he's lonely.
He's empty. He might feel her there now but he'll eventually think back to me. I know what I brought/bring to the table and I know what I offered and gave to him will be hard to find again. I have faith he'll come back to his us, his family but I'm not going to let it consume me. I'm not going to be waiting not living life. I'm going to live and live day by day and if I just so happen to meet someone then he's really going to know what losing someone feels like.
I just hope I can stay on this track and not fall back. I'm feeling better now, I hate feeling lost and heartbroken. But out of sight out of mind.
That's great e.p. Expect a roller coaster ride when it comes to your feelings during breakup grief. But cherish the days when you feel great. :)
Hey Kevin, its me again. I started overthinking my situation again and started wondering if I should try getting her back again.. I know its stupid and pointless and I should give up, but I just can't. Should I prolong my suffering? Or take as much time as needed like a few months (not caring whether she has a strong relationship or not) and contact and introduce her to the new me, but this time really a new me.. I really don't know I am really confused. I though saying goodbye will leave me in peace, but I can't find peace...
And do you think that choosing the other guy after all, means they are not going to have a rebound relationship? After only 2 months of dating (before she had told him she needs time and space) he had offered her to move in together. Of course I can't tell if she will agree or not, now that she is with him. Damn I overthink too much...
I find it extremely hard to accept the fact I will never be with her ever again. I can't stop hoping for the opposite and that is killing me.
Hey Toby, you can try again. It's your choice. But even if you want to, you need to grieve and accept the breakup if you want to have a better chance. There is even a chance there relationship won't work out (it might be a rebound). All the best.
Yes! I was reading the article of signs that its a rebound and there's a couple he does but can you be in love with a person even if it's a rebound? Cause he told her I love you in a picture he had uploaded of her. Or he thinks he's in love?
Yes, absolutely.
He's like moving too fast with her. Even trying to move in together. Everyone says that they just hope and better not get her pregnant.
Those are signs of rebound.
Hey Kevin,
I wrote a post but cant find it; Have you received it?
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for your answer, I will post on the message board but I was really looking forward to your opinion because you have experience.. Could you make an exeption for my story? Im so desperate at this point to just have a feedback from you, please Kevin would really appreciate!
Yeah I told them to stop sending me things about him. I need my mind distracted not updated. I know he'll most likely do it to her as well. I feel like she's trying to get to me. My friend said she's been trying to meet my daughter for a while now. She knows I wouldn't be ok with it but she still wants to. He also said that she's a shady person. She does cocaine. They also say he's blinded by her & that she kinda looks like me, which I don't think so, like at all.
Well when I see the posts he seems genuinely happy. Maybe to everyone else it's looks like he's trying too hard but maybe cause I'm just seeing him with her so it takes me back to when that was us. I am still young and I do need some sort of hobby to get distracted. It hurts and I know with time it'll hurt less. I'm just still too in love with him.
Then his cousin was telling me he'll realize he made a mistake with you and come back but it doesn't seem like it. That they always come back. I've heard all that from his family and friends. Yeah I need to tell me those things every time I'm feeling low.
Hello Kevin,
After some thinking and calming down I realized I can't stop him from bringing my daughter around her. He's going to continue doing it behind my back. I have no other choice but to get use to it. I can however warn him that if I hear anything bad is being done around my daughter(his new gf did/does meth) he will force me to take legal actions.
You're right maybe it's still a rebound since they did get serious very fast but that's no longer my business. He made his decision. I just have to accept it and let it go. He once admitted to my guy friends he was with her cause she cooked for him and did his laundry.
Also last night I was sent a screenshot by a friend that he posted on snapchat with her. They were both laying down on the bed and he was giving her a kiss on the cheek. Also they were on our bed and in our room. Where I once lived. But it's his bed and his room now so I guess. It looked like she was doing laundry cause there was clothes folded around.
Again not something I should focus on anymore. They probably deserve each other. Her for being a home wrecker and him for being a cheat. I'm just jealous that someone else has him but I have to stop.
Kevin you've helped me a lot even if I have my moments that I fall back, reading your responses give me hope for myself. That its okay to alone. It gives me confidence that everything will work out for me just fine. I just still have some learning to do.
Also again like always I was sent another screenshot of what he posted on instagram. He posted a picture of her saying that she had stole his heart from the first day they met. He's only known her for 6 months & that he knows they're gonna be together forever. Then he said I love you and Happy Valentines Day.
He use to say the same thing to me. That he knew we weren't for each other. That we were gonna be together forever. That he's never felt for any other girl what's he felt for me. That it was different with me. That I was just the person for him. Now I'm nothing to him.
But if she supposedly stole his heart then why a couple months we broke up he kept saying he loved me that he never wanted to lose me. That I was everything to him. That he realized I was the only person that would always be there for him. Who is he kidding?
Did he not mean it? or he did but now he's saying that because he doesn't want people to think he's moving to fast? Everyone keeps saying that it looks like he's trying to hard, like trying to convince everyone that he's truly into her and that he's happy. Like to prove he has someone. He post something about her but then deletes it that same day.
Valentines day hit me a little. First time in 5 years that I spend it alone without him. We've always spent valentine's day together. I feel down about this whole situation especially cause I saw him say I love you on his post about her. He never said that to any other girl even when we were broken up for 5 months.
I need to seriously learn how to let everything go. I did tell everyone to stop sending me things or telling me what he does. That I didn't want to be kept updated on his life cause it only hurts me.
The pain of a heartbreak is terrible. How do you get over someone when you felt they were the one for you since you met them. When you love them so much you'd do anything for them. I seriously feel we're meant to be. The way we somehow always were in each others lives since I was 14 is crazy. I felt he was the one. I'm so hurt right now.
The worst part is as long as he's happy I'm happy. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me but it's just not happening. I want to be happy as well but I don't know when that's gonna happen. One thing for sure is I'm ready to go out and people people. I need the distraction.
Yeah, it's a good idea to make everyone stop sending you these updates. He is probably trying to hard to convince himself and everyone else around him that he is happy and in a great relationship. He said the same thing to you and cheated on you many times. Guess what's coming for that girl? I know it sucks, but it gets better. Trust me. I have seen thousands of people get over breakup pain. You should go out and meet people. Get new hobbies and do something new. You are still young and you have a whole life ahead of you. You can't spend your entire life being cheated on by an immature guy who doesn't respect you. The breakup was the best thing that happened to you. Try to remember that when you are feeling low next time.
I broke the N.c. rule tonight. smh.... Love hurts.
I reactivated my account with facebook and have sent him a few messages
still, he reads ALL of them and still ignores me...
Start again. You have to be strong. Every time you contact him, you are putting yourself through emotional hell. Don't do it to yourself.
Thank you for your reply.
This morning, I couldn't stay asleep So I wrote to him...again and have been writing in my book( not a diary). I am re attempting to start he no-contact rule again. I really believes It's over though since he hasn't spoken to me since January 17. I have given up contacting him a few times a few weeks ago, but my feelings are strong which keeps me relapsing again.
She chose the other &^&)(*(&%^)&(_* 'I love you but things change with time'. I want to die. i bought her tickets to take her to dance should I do it anyway? This may be the last post from me. Thank you for the hope during these hard months for me! I hope better days will come someday......
Hey Toby,
I don't think you should take her now. It'll look desperate. Cut contact with her and try to move on. Yes, better days are right around the corner. Good luck.
Well he replied saying she was in the car he didn't even deny it. He even started to tell me she's a great girl and that he likes her a lot and she's helped him out. I tried not to bring up anything about our relationship but he kept trying to go there like make me bring up negative things.
I kept telling him I wasn't gonna go into to details with him. That he knows why I don't want her around my daughter and that all I'm asking is to respect. He kept trying to convince me like it was ok. I told him I'm not gonna get convinced. There's things you and I will never agree on, but that didn't matter anymore.
I told him to just respect my decision and to keep his word, but he kept trying to make her seem good like so I could be ok with it. I told him that his time with his daughter should just be between them two, to take advantage of the time. I told him your time with her do what you want but your time with your daughter at least give her your full attention.
I made the mistake of saying that I missed him he completely ignored it and I was fine with that. I felt this conversation went bad on some level. What hurt was him telling me that she's a great girl and that he likes her a lot. Meaning he's falling in love with her.
He must truly be into her and she must not be a rebound if she's around my daughter and I'm not sure if the girl was over his mom's house but if she was then he's really into her. He doesn't let his mom meet girls he's not serious about. Not sure if she did but I don't know. He basically confirmed it wasn't a rebound relationship right? Any chance we once had is done. He's done for good with him.
I feel dumb. I feel hurt by what he told me. Those are some things I just didn't want to know about him. That's why I kept saying I wasn't gonna go into details because I didn't want to hear them. I didn't want him to tell me he likes her a lot. I didn't need to know that.
I meant he's done for good with me. I did say I helped you a lot as well. I was always there for you ready for anyhring. I was always there for you even when I didn't have to be but that doesn't matter now. He had also said she didn't do anything wrong he's the one that hit her up. I told him it's the whole picture. You wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have gave you some sort of in. It takes 2. She knew the history and didn't give a damn.
Hey,
First of all, everything you said does not mean it's not a rebound. A lot of rebound relationships get really serious really fast and end after a while. However, you are again losing focus. Even if he is in a happy relationship, good for him. You two have broken up. And it's probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. You no longer have to try to please or keep a man who is not capable of being faithful and committed.
Hey Kevin,
Tonight went awful. He thinks I changed only for him. We ran into his girlfriend.
He pulled me aside to tell me to give up hope and move on because he's done with me and not backtracking because he's just "done" and doesn't love me anymore and has moved on. That I shouldn't hold out hope. that he knows I still love him but it just wont happen and I'll meet someone else.
I cried. I tried convincing.. I told him I changed for me not him. He said he's just happy with her now.
He held my hand then got his jackets for me to wear in front of his girlfriend then went over to kiss her.
He said there's no chance. Nothing.
Then said maybe we can be best friends.
What do I do? I thought their relationship was weakening and things were getting way better between us.
Hey Aly,
I guess he was seeing through your act and your crying convinced him. I think you should do no contact. You actually have to be OK with not being with him otherwise you will always be giving out vibes that you want him back. And he will see through that. You are still putting too much importance on getting him back and not on yourself. Doing no contact will help your feelings actually change and you will start putting yourself before getting him back. I guess it'll be hard with all the pregnancy thing, so I'll recommend you only speak to him about the pregnancy and nothing else. If possible, try to find another way to go to the clinic so you don't have to spend so much time with him.
I'm afraid to do NC Especially if I choose abortion because it'll just create a divide between us and feel finalizing. Do I still have a chance?
Aly,
In my opinion, no contact is your only chance. You have to stop being so afraid of losing him. That's the only way you can learn to be happy without him and start putting your happiness before anything else. As long as you are afraid of losing him, you will be needy and he will sense it.
I don't understand why things took a sharp turn south
It went from him caring and getting closer to what it is now. I saw him today when he gave me my sweater back. He brought up the baby and said his had more important things to do like Valentines day than communicate with me about the baby . When I tried to talk about it he got into his car saying he had plans which were more important and slammed his door. I was standing behind his car still ( we were talking behind his tailgate) and he seemed like he was about to threaten to hit me. Then he got back out after talking to our mutual friend who was trying to aleviate the situation and he invited himself to go hiking with my friend and I. It was pleasant until we were driving and we were all talking, at one point he said "If I never broke up with you you would've never dumped me. You're too obsessed with me. " I tried to defend myself and he kept saying I was crazy in love with him and obsessed with him. Our friend said that his ego was too big to his face and he said "No she was just so obsessed about me and still is" to which I had enough of and told him to go F himself and that I could care less for him.
While it wasnt true he keeps thinking Im obsessed with him. At one point he was parked near me and openned his car door expecting me to come in and was baffled when I refused.
Regardless, he dropped me off home and said goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow. To which I just ignored him and went inside.
I know on Valentine's Day he knew I went out with our friend on a date and he asked our friend if I made it safely home and asked a lot of questions about whether if I was safe and taken care of.
I don't understand if I handled anything well or whats going on with him.
Tomorrow we have an appointment together about the baby but we have to drive for an hour I don't know if I should ignore him during the car trips or try to bond or what.
Don't try to bond and don't ignore him either. If he talks, reply politely. But don't try to talk to him more than is necessary. As I said before, doing no contact/minimal contact is your best bet. He still thinks you are obsessed with him and it's true. Perhaps he is picking up a vibe from you or he has a big ego. Either ways, you have to prove him wrong. And the only way to do that is to actually stop obsessing over him and become OK with the breakup and the possibility of not having him back in your life. And the best way to do that is no contact.
I agree that no contact or minimal sounds like my best bet.
I tried to keep it to a minimum today but we ended up talking when we got to the waiting room. He was playing around and joking around like a kid and kept nudging me to get my attention and eventually apologized for how he had been rude and said I was obsessed saying he based it off a believable statement a friend of ours made.
He said he wished I communicated with him better. On the way home after we found out the baby's gender we both sort of blew up. He said he didn't want to know and was afraid of getting attached. At one point he yelled that it feels like he has no support and only I do, everyone's on my side, that he's "sick of everyone supporting me because they love me so much", that he never gets what he wants, that he wants to be done and move forward with his life, and when I told him im here to support him too thats when the big blow up happened where he yelled that I am not enough. I tried to get out of the car because I was crying and thats when he grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. It was the last thing I expected but he didn't let me go and kept hugging me and apologized.
I told him he needed to start seeing us as a team and to start respecting me and he told me to communicate better.
He dropped me off and said he was going home and was kind and hugging me, (my rpomate actually thought we got back together) but then he said he was going home and I found out he lied and went to his girlfriends. I don't know what to think about any of this.
Hey Aly,
I don't think having him in your life at this point is good for you. He keeps on giving you these mixed signals and then rejects you. I think he is very confused about his feelings for you, which is the reason he keeps on repeating that he wants to move on. I still think you should do no contact and stay away from him for a long period of time. That's the only way he will be able to sort out his feelings and realise what he really wants. It'll also give you the time to stop being needy and depending so much on him for happiness and peace of mind.
I'm so dumb. I messed up so bad. I texted my ex after he dropped off my daughter saying this...
"That b**** better not be around Abrielle. I'm not stupid, you were hiding someone in your car that's why you parked far & got everything quick. Do what you want just don't have her around my daughter."
I regret it so bad but I had got mad because every time he drops her off he parks in the driveway but this time he parked in the corner (I live 2 houses down from the corner). Anyways this time he parked in the corner and easy quick to take everything out of hi car so I wouldn't get close to his car.
I asked him was there more in the car and he said no that's all. He even left the back door open of his car and his headlights were on. He always turns off his car. It got me mad the fact that he swore he wouldn't bring a girl around our daughter unless it was a serious relationship and had been together for a long time.
Either way he knows how I feel about her and I don't want her around my daughter. I'm not 100% sure if she was in the car or any other girl but still. This morning when he picked up our daughter he parked right in front of my house and let me put our daughter in her car seat but this time it was.
I regret it but I don't what to do. I don't feel like I need to text him apologizing for texting him that, or should I?
No you don't. If YOU want to apologise, it's OK. But it's not necessary. Let him feel whatever he feels. You overreacted, but that's OK. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Hey Kevin,
I posted a comment yesterday. Have you gone through it yet??
Regards,
R.A
Hey R.A,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.
How long does it take for comments to post? I put two up yesterday
Hey CG,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.
You're right. I am losing focus. My purpose is myself and daughter. I will stop trying to make everything he does have a meaning behind it. Him doing all these things won't matter in the long run. You're right he should be the one trying to win me back. He made mistakes as well. But as of now I will stop focusing on him and focus on my happiness.
I need to stop giving him so much power over me. I have full power over myself and enough is enough. My path right now is just my daughter and myself. Becoming a better, happy person. Thank you Kevin.
Good Luck. :)
Thank you :)
Sorry again it wasn't letting me reply.
Well we ended pretty bad and for months we were mostly negative. I read that I have to give time
for both of us to change the view we have on each other, well him on me since I was needy, I begged him and I basically turned into the most unattractive girl with just being that way. It's gonna be 3 months since we broke up.
I don't expect him to be kind to me, I actually didn't even think he would be nice to me. It caught me by surprise that he was being nice. So in other words he truly is over me & the relationship we once had? Because the first time we broke up we were broken up for 5 months & we didn't even end on bad terms like that. Maybe I'm still stuck on that 5 months time limit.
No, it definitely doesn't mean he is over you and the relationship. But if you expect things from him, he will use it to manipulate you. Like I said before, there's a good chance he will want you back in the future. I can't say after how long, but from whatever you have told me, I think he will. And yes, even though you were needy, he was the one who was more responsible for the breakup. If anything, he should be the one proving to you that he can be faithful and committed. You are losing focus here e.p. Just because you are concentrating on getting him back. You should be concentrating on your happiness and whether or not he will be able to provide you with a committed and happy relationship. Not his happiness and how to get him back.
Right now, do not try to decipher his actions and what they mean. Him being kind, being rude, ignoring you, posting pics on instagram. All these things will not matter in the long run. The only thing that will matter is how you use this time to reclaim yourself and learn to be happy without him.
I have recently had a breakup with my ex.
To be honest I don't where to begin to start this comment. I can say this, after reading the entire article, you have written everything that has happened in my recent relationship. The deepest negative emotions I have experienced has led in results of showing how desperate I was to talk about this. Truly embarrassing as it sounds, I have done it all emails, text messages, calling from different phone numbers ( blocked) even the facebook messages( recently deleted my entire account).Sleeping during the night didn't make it better. Since the breakup, I have had 5 dreams about him for nearly 2 weeks and that has never happened to me.
My expression: W0_0W! I have really let down my myself on all levels. It almost felt like Depression has taken over me somewhat. I was in that state for 3 weeks. During those days, I can say I was able to still manage getting up accomplishing things that needed to be taken care of. At the same time, still I was experiencing a negative mood mentality, I began to blame myself for all the times I touch something, It turns sour. Also I began to think of the wrong and bad things choices and decisions I made in my life. How many opportunities and chances I missed out on. I wasn't the bad child. I was a young lady trying to be the responsible, I know what to do, don't need help from no one kind of person. With that thinking, It has led me to nowhere but becoming dumb and not listening to my own mother. to sum up this comment. My listening skills has yet to become better but I have calm down since my those days and now that the relationship I have had with my now ex I feel as If I have no chances left at all.
Yesterday, I made a decision to not contact him for awhile( for more than 3o days), even thinking of maybe playing the role of proposing to him but not until I really am sure If I won't to step up a level. . I am open to any criticisms o and pen minded speaking opinionated Opinions. thanks for reading *whew*!
Hey,
What you went through is common and you are not alone. You made the right decision. But you need to stop criticising yourself so much.
You have made the right decision to not contact him. Use this time to make some changes in your life and get out of this negative state of mind. Go out and do something. Make some positive changes in your life. Also, join the message boards and participate in the community. It can be therapeutic.
thank you for your feedback. I might have a 1 or 2 short questions to ask. Before I begin. I wanted to add on to my comment from 2 days ago. our breakup lasted 30 -40 days. This man told me " I'm finished" by via text. My heart sunked deeply. Is it childish of him to use that method rather than telling me by TEL? He has completely ignored me on Facebook (denied my request) have seen the messages I written and didn't reply. it has been 3 days since I've stopped the contacting.
I don't think it's childish. Breaking up is hard and everyone deals with it differently. It's not an ideal way to tell someone that. But then again, everyone is different. And rejecting someone takes a lot of courage. Some people just don't have enough courage to do it in person. But in the end, it doesn't matter how he said it. It doesn't even matter what he said or what words he used. Emotions are high after a breakup for you and him both. Until you both have had some time to calm down, and think things through (no contact), you shouldn't take it to heart. Follow the plan. If after that, he feels the same way, then you can be sure he means it. Until then, use this time to improve yourself.
Hello Kevin,
I feel my ex is playing games or maybe it's just me. Last week on Monday I took my daughter to the hospital, he came to pick us up and still stayed to be with her for a bit longer. Anyways he called me the next day asking how she was doing and that he was gonna go. He didn't because his mom ended up coming so we agreed the day after.
Remember how I told you about the whole girl thing and I got upset so I just said it was late already that maybe some other day? Well after that he never replied nor did he ever text me back the following days, until Sunday.
He texted me twice at noon, one saying he was going to pick up our daughter and she was gonna stay with him for a couple of days and the second one saying he was going to pick her that day and bring her back at night. I asked what time? But he didn't reply. So I got my daughter dressed and her diaper bag ready. We were waiting and waiting and he never texted or called me.
To my surprise he never showed up. Didn't even call to cancel or anything. Fortunately for me and my daughter's sake she's only 2 so she didn't understand being stood up by her dad. I didn't text or call him until the next day. I told him was he suppose to pick her up yesterday because she was ready and waiting for him. Again no reply.
I'm actually shocked with this because he's never done this to her. Every time he says he's coming for her or that he's gonna visit her, he does unless he really can't but he let's me know. He had been really nice to me, we were getting along just fine but after that night I texted him it was too late to come he got distant again.
Could it be the new girl influencing him? Like to not be around me? Should I have a serious talk with him about this? Sometimes I feel he's messing with my head because him being kind to me and getting along and being a great dad is everything to me but then to do this!
He's never been a guy to really fully open up about his feelings but he can't be that cruel can he? Also do you believe in age phases or maturity phases. Everyone is blaming his age saying he's too young, it's just a phase he'll be back. He's gonna regret leaving you. He just turned 21 in November. I don't know maybe I just over analyze things.
Hey e.p,
You can be right on all accounts. His girlfriend influencing him, his age thing, or him just playing games. But whatever it is, it shouldn't affect your life. If he is going to be the type of father who stands up his daughter, you should have a serious talk with him. But now is not the time for that. Wait till your daughter is old enough and enough time has passed for both of you to get over the breakup. You should not expect him to be kind to you. If you depend on him on any way, you are giving him power over you. And he can use that power to manipulate you and screw up your progress.
Hi Kevin,
I had posted my problem for you to give me an insight,however, i have'nt received a reply from you yet....It said your post is being moderated...Could you please help me?
Hey Rudra,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your question on the message boards.
I've been telling him that I don't want him back each time he brings it up and he was thinking that I changed all for him and I told him that wasn't the case and it was for myself.
Now he's been more supportive, though he got hot headed, each time he did it resulted in us talking it out and hugging it out. He's been more touchy. (Rubbing my leg, holding my hand, hugging me, rubbing my back.) And when he dropped me off home he made sure I got to the door safe and stayed for a little bit (It was late at night and I live in not the greatest area) so I have been seeing that he's been caring a lot. When I'm around him he sees more playful now and is bumping into me.
I know it's frustrating his girlfriend, but at the end of the day hes still with her at some point even if just for an hour or two. She said if I wasn't pregnant she would block all contact between him and I and I know he doesn't tell her everything, if anything.
I drove to go hiking with a few friends and he saw me driving and followed my car and asked if he could go hike with us. At the end of the day his girlfriend messaged me asking me how our appointment with the doctor went, which really confused me.
She told me that he also won't open up to her and tells her he is just sleepy and I hear most of their relationship is in her living room in front of the TV.
While he spent an hour recently opening up to me about how he doesn't know what he's doing, is stressed, scared about the pregnancy, and so on.
I don't know what next moves to take.
I think you should just continue what you've been doing. You don't need to make any moves. Their relationship is slowly weakening and I think they will break up eventually. When they do, don't jump at the opportunity and try to get him back. Let him make the moves. You are doing great. Good luck.
He has been nothing but kind recently, even considering keeping the child even if he still doesn't want to. Assuring me he will be around to be there for me and won't leave me if I do get an abortion and he will stick around. I said he said that before and left and he said I have to understand that he was overwhelmed and I was depressed and it was bringing him down. He said in the future he thinks we wont make a crazy effort to see each other but we will still be around each other due to mutual friends.
Which upset me because I still want to get him back but I looked at the brightside that he sees me in his future in some form at least.
I tell him I understand exactly why we broke up and I dont blame him,
I Stopped defending myself and saying oh whyd you leave me you should've stayed through thick and thin and started saying, yes I can see I handled things badly I agree with you.
I tell him I want him to be happy and that I want him to succeed also.
So I'm doing my best and hoping for the best. Even in classes we share I have been seeing him looking at me. And I know he sees me more than his own girlfriend of two months.
Which I know if we were dating and he used time he could've been spending with me or even his friends to constantly see his ex Id at the very least be uncomfortable.
Hey Aly,
You are doing great. Don't let anything he says upset you. People change their mind a lot of times. It's a good sign he sees you in the future. Just keep your calm and continue doing what you have been doing.
Had a long talk to him tonight where we talked on the subject of our old relationship. He made several statements.
He thinks how I was in the old relationship was unfair to him, he felt I was trying to convince him to get back with me all the time by saying it was unfair how he held things against me, he said he's glad I'm handling things better now and turned everything around but he will never get back with me because he can't just forget everything he went through and the reason he went back to his ex now is because they didn't end on bad terms, I said we didn't end on bad terms and that he was simply overwhelmed and he said yeah those are bad terms.
He said he felt I made everything about one of my exes during our relationship and just sees it all as negative and that I used to handle things poorly. No matter how many times I agree with him or apologize it seems to have no effect, I asked him to not hold it all against me and understand and he said he does understand and not to worry because he is just complaining because he has a right to because I used to complain so much while we dated.
He sees our entire old relationship so negatively and it feels like with time hes not getting more nostalgic but summing it up into one big negative experience forgetting all the good.
How do I begin to get him back when he is saying he will never go back?
Let him think the way he wants. Don't try to change it or influence it. It's his way of processing everything. Just tell him, that whatever happened was in the past and you are not expecting him to get back together with you. Have patience. It might take some time. But if you keep your cool and don't show any signs of neediness and act like your old self, you have a pretty good chance.
Thank you,
Is there any way I can remind him of good memories or attract him back?
We have been spending a lot of time together driving to the pregnancy clinic and we laugh, talk, and listen to music (we try as best as possible to avoid the stress of the situation and it's quite the road trip) but nothing besides that. I'm afraid once I get the abortion (which is what he really wants and what I'm starting to think is the best for me) that he will drop out of my life.
But what I do know is that he cares, at the very least, thats something, he asks me if I'm okay, puts his hand on my back if he sees I feel sick, asks me about my family, rubs my leg to comfort me, and wants to be there for me. He gets me coffee, I had no where to go one night this week because of issues in my household and he drove in the middle of the rainy night straight out of bed to take me to one of my girls apartment and walked me to the door. I keep wanting to say love doesn't just go away in two months and it can't just disappear completely simply because he was just overwhelmed by how poorly I handled things. It seems like he's keeping me close to watch over me and care about me but it also seems like he's keeping his distance because of his girlfriend and because he wants to be done with me and all the negativity that came with me.
I've kept my calm and I try my best to not pressure him, and I'm trying to make him laugh and create positive memories even though we are stressed out of our minds driving hour long car trips to the clinic for appointments.
But I saw a notification light up today while he was using his phone for navigation, he doesn't talk to his girlfriend much it appears if about anything (Whenever Im around him hes not talking to her and vice versa), but she also expresses concern to him and they seem good? Solid? And it makes me wonder if their relationship is actually weakening and if he will ever go back to me, especially since he says he never will go back.
Hey Aly,
Yes, his relationship is probably weakening. But, I don't think you should be trying to make any moves right now. If you can remind him of positive memories in the past without making it obvious, do so. But make sure it doesn't lead to any negativity. You are getting plenty of time to spend with him and you are using it wisely. Keep doing so. Even if you go through with the abortion, do not do anything that reeks of neediness. Let him initiate contact with you and if he doesn't give him space and time. Like I said before, it'll take time and a lot of patience on your part. Don't start obsessing over little things and don't do anything needy or desperate. That's your best bet right now.
Hey Kevin,
We ended up spending all day together again and went to fill out forms and get dinner, a lot of time went into talking and making each other laugh. I teared up from stress and he asked me whats wrong and put his arm over me and multiple times pulled me in today to hold me and rub my shoulder telling me we got this. When he took me home we talked in his car and he held my hand for a long time and I rested my head on his shoulder, he says he knows we will be dealing with this for a long time and will go through it together.
He brings up his girlfriend but very, very rarely and to say simple things like, "She and I went out to eat and I ordered this and it was a really good burger!" So I don't think too much of that. I'm trying to be positive as possible and we definitely are touching affectionately a lot more now.
Although things have been improving between he and I, his girlfriend and her sister constantly send me pictures of him and his girlfriend saying how cute and happy they are and how jealous I must be. He also said he was going home after dropping me off at work but went to his girlfriend's and lied to me. I don't know what to think about any of this and it seems really discouraging..
Hi Kevin. Your articles are very helpful. Thank you so much.
Btw, where can I find the sample letter? It says I can find in step 5, but I don't see any. ;(
Please help me.
Hey Sunkist,
It's the 10th email in the email series. You can read the FAQ section for more clarification.
Hello Kevin
It's probably been a week or so since I last posted and I must say lately I've been dreaming with my ex too much even that he proposed. Anyways lately he was acting nice to me & seemed changed not completely but his attitude had changed towards me like he was no longer angry if I texted him(only about our daughter) or even when he would see me.
Even my best friend who is also my neighbor which is his friend's girlfriend said she noticed he changed in a good way. Anyways on Monday (Feb.2) I took my daughter to the hospital and I told him I was taking her, he picked us up and then took me to get her medicine. He was nice and even called the next day to say he was going to come visit her. He didn't cause his mom ended up coming but said he would come today (Feb.4).
He was would normally get here around 8 but then he wasn't showing so at 8:30 I asked him if he was still planning to come he replied right away sayin yes that he just had an emergency at his job in Tustin. Then out of the blue my friend that lives up state texted me asking who was the girl he was posting on his instagram. She then sent me a screenshot. He posted 2 pictures of that girl that I know.
I got mad because I had made food for him, my friend, and her boyfriend for allowing us to meet up in their house and when I seen that I got so mad and hurt that I was like I refuse to cook for someone who's posting another girl. So I texted him around 9:10 saying it was too late already that maybe some other time.
Was I too obvious? He doesn't know I seen that but he maybe thinks I got mad cause he was taking long? I'm so hurt I thought we had a chance. What do I do? I really don't want to see him right now.
Also to add to this. He's apparently with her at his job(Her dad had got him the job which her dad was also my aunts boyfriend). Someone told me she posted a picture of herself on his snapchat(another type of social media). I'm so angry right now. I thought I was fine but his nice changed attitude had me thinking twice and got my own hopes up. You're so right he's never going to change. Or at least not any time soon. To be honest I'm scared to move on.
I want to be with him because I love him But also because he's my daughter's dad. I want my family back but how does he see what he's throwing away. I'm always positive around him. I don't act needy. I don't text him everyday. I let him be but he seems to not care what so ever.
Hey e.p.,
As I said in the article above, freaking out if he is dating someone else is a very common reaction. You have taken a step back from where you were. You were ready to move on, were feeling confident and were OK with him not being in your life. What you are experiencing right now is just a reaction. It's your instincts. But try to remind yourself why you left him in the first place and why you decided that you should learn to live without him and be happy without him.
He has all the right in the world to see some other girl. And you should not let it bother you. It's probably a rebound and if you want to get back, you still have a chance. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you were miserable with him for a long time and he has been unfaithful to you more than once. You are STILL better off without him.
You’re right it was just a reaction to seeing it. I mean I know he’s been seeing her for maybe 2 months already but I just got mad when I seen the picture. I did step back and think about why I left his side and I feel better.
I still feel confident just an instinct reaction. I know he’ll come back to me but little by little by everything he’s doing I’m seeing a less chance for him. I’m ready to date, which I should do because just as much as he has the right I do to.
I have a feeling it’s a rebound too since my friend told me he compares what this girl does with me. If he’s truly over me then why compare or even bring me up? I’m no longer letting there relationship get in my head. I’m happy with my life right now. Things are looking up for me.
As for them, out of sight out of mind. I’ma let them ride out their relationship. They’re both poison. Thank you for the reinsurance Kevin! :)
Hey Kevin,
My ex has told the new guy she needs time and space to choose whether she will be with him, me or will stay single and try to move on. She told me she likes him and at the same time loves me and thinks it won't be fair for one of us if she chooses the other, so she is considering staying alone. What should I do?
One more thing. She thinks it's selfish of her to just choose one of us. She is very confused and is analyzing the pros and cons of me and the other guy.
Don't push her and if she decides to stay alone, tell her it's OK. You can change her decision later on, but you if you act needy, desperate or push her, you will look unattractive which will probably push her to the other guy.
What is better, being close to her while she's deciding, or keeping a little distance? Should I make her think I'm slipping away from her, because that way she will be more interested in me? Maybe if she is 100% sure she can have me anytime, I won't be so interesting to her? What should I do? Help me please! I feel like it's a now or never situation, because if she chooses the other guy, I'm planning to give up on her and try to really move on. Thanks!
I think a little bit of both. Have a life of your own. Keep yourself busy. If she asks to meet or talk, then agree and meet up. But don't always be too available for her. Most importantly, don't put too much pressure on yourself to make the right moves. Her decision is mainly going to depend on whatever happened till now and not what you do right now. She already said she loves you and only likes the other guy. As long as you don't do anything to push her away (acting needy, insecure), you are going to be fine.
Should I make romantic things, you know Valentine's day is coming... I've planned buying tickets to a show I know she would enjoy? And I didn't usually do that when we were together so I think she will be impressed.
Valentine's day is a little tricky in your situation. I guess since she has already told you that she loves you, I think it'll be OK to go ahead with that. But don't make it a surprise. Ask her in advance if she wants to do something on V day. Make your moves depending on her reaction.
Hey Kevin, how often do you think I should contact her (calling, texting, facebook chat)? The more days that pass without talking to her the more nervous I get. The negative thoughts overtake me and I lose hope, until the next time we talk. I'm afraid I didn't get the best of the no contact period, but a new one is not an option. What do you think? Thank you for your help until now!
Hey Toby,
It depends on how well she responds to you contacting her. If she is receptive and warm, then once in every 3-4 days. If not, then you should wait a week or two. Also, it's a good idea to let her initiate contact sometime. If you have been the one to initiate contact for a month or two, then you should wait till she initiates contact.
Yes she is receptive and warm and we both initiate contact. She is enjoying the ability to talk to me whenever she wants, now that the no contact period is over. I hope I'm not getting friendzoned thou.. Remember I am still waiting for her to choose one of us (or stay single). I've decided not to start the topic, because that would be rushing things. I will wait for her to start it, because that's what is expected from her, as long as she knows I am waiting for her decision.
Hi Kevin
You have given me quite a lot to think about regarding my relationship with my husband and your advice seems sound.My husband and I have been seperated for more than a month( and yes I did reply to his messages).What I want to know is.I have left my husband previously for one month since September 2014 and than he asked me to come back and I did.
I left him again since 25 December2014. I want him back. But this time he spoke about divorce and Iam panicking. Will he take me back? I'll admit I am a difficult person to live with,because I feel he takes me for granted.His family and child always comes first.My sister told me that maybe I am too impulsive,immature and jealous.But I believe he made a vow to stick with me,becoming one and all that entails.Please help.
Hey,
I can't really say if he will go ahead with the divorce or not. But panicking is not going to help. Even if he is thinking about it, you have a chance to change his mind. And the best way to do that will be to follow the plan. Use no contact to work on your issues. Get professional help. Read books which deal with the issues you have. Learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. How to convey your desires and requests in a non threatening way. It's a skill that can be learned. And all the issues you mentioned can be easily controlled/resolved with therapy and self awareness. Good luck.
Trying to sign up for the emails but Im not receiving the confirmation code. Ive tried two different email addresses. Any ideas?
Hey Mike,
The confirmation mail is already sent. Please check your junk/spam folder.
hi Kevin,
i had left a message here
please revert , need help
Thanks for this website, it's amazing
Kevin
That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.
Sorry I had to copy & paste because it wasn't letting me reply.
Yes I will be more careful and think it through very carefully when it comes to making that decision. I need to see changes before I can even think about it and I will not just take him back like nothing. My self-esteem has gone up so much that I know I deserve to be happy and I will not settle for less. If he shows changes but then goes back then I will not put up with it because I don't need that in my life, or just plain any other guy and their b.s. in my life. Thank you once again! :)
You are welcome e.p. :)
I sent you a comment a few days ago. Did you receive it?
Esther,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. I'd recommend you post your questions on the message boards.
Yes, I also submit a comment here and never made it.
Sorry about that Andy. Please post on the message boards.
How do you do NC when you have children? We have four together and neither of us is willing to miss out on basketball games, etc. Also, he left me (married for 18 yrs and he cheated and is living with other woman now) and left me with the bills to figure out. He was in charge. Do I just do it by myself? I could be making big mistakes if I don't consult him but maybe it's worth it? Please advise.
I wrote about no contact with kids on this page. For the basketball games etc., I guess you will have to meet up with him. But try to keep the interactions with him minimum. Take a friend with you if possible so you have someone to talk to. If you need help with the bills, you can call him if it's absolutely necessary, but it'll be a better idea to ask someone else who also has experience with bills (a friend or family).
He wants to be the one to make the decisions on the bills and how they are paid. I'd rather he stay out of it and let me do it now but he wants to be in control of how his money is spent (even if it's to the detriment of paying down our debt). So do I just let him keep being in charge? If I got my separate account he would go ballistic and think I was trying to control him which would send him into a warring mindset.
Interesting. If I were you, I'll still get a separate account. Tell him that it was his decision to be separate and you have to learn to take care of yourself and not depend on him. Let him know that it's not your intention to hurt him with this action or prove something to him. It is a part of you moving on from the breakup and if he wants to breakup, then he should be accepting of this. If you say it in a calm manner, he will probably understands. If he goes ballistic, cut contact with him for a while and give him time to process his thoughts. He will eventually calm down and accept it.
Hello Kevin
I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much. Another little update we seen each other again 2 days later after he came to visit to see our daughter but only to pick up our daughter he started talking to me about his job & he's been going through there. He's nice to me and we actually get along. I don't feel awkward being around him or to see him anymore. It feels nice to know we can get along after he swore we couldn't and thats why he broke up with me. I have made some physical changes in my life I went from being 160 lbs to 129 lbs so that boosted up my self-esteem and I feel great. I actually feel I'm maturing a bit from this situation little by little. Again not going to lie to myself or anyone by saying I don't want him back because I still do and I still love him but yeah I just wanted to update you a little on what's been going on and to thank you!
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for getting back to me.
In a way, i think marriage is a life long commitment to me, i haven't thought about and planned to look for someone else.
i am not living in u.s.. honestly, in where i m living, there are not many good men. if there are, nearly all of them are already married and unavailable. furtheremore, the people in my country are pretty stereotype. It is not easy for a divorced woman with children to find another partner. most men prefer 20+ women.
on another note, my counselor had analysed for me that my personality is a bit difficult to get along. there are only a few men would suit me and meet my criteria. my husband is one of them. unless i am able to change my personality, or else my h is who at this stage suits me the best.
I chatted with my h today. he said he didnt think about proceeding with divorce if i hadn't reminded him. often times, i played a role in pushing him to a corner where he felt he must get rid of the relationship.
would you say that the first step if not getting divorce is the first milestone?
what you said is true in theory. but in reality, i dont find it easy to find someone better than him. if he is willing to keep status quo, i would keep this relationship at this stage for my n my child's benefit, until i meet someone better which is not easy.
Oh, furthermore, i do not agree with divorce n it is against my wish. i shouldn't kill the relationship by asking him to go ahead with divorce, should I?
i m living well now, am enjoying my life on my own and my time with him, it is in a way moving on. i thought having a person whom i can practise how to get along with is a blessing. after divorce, i don't see any future lies ahead for me... other than continue to be single.
Hey Calista,
I think everything you are saying, about your culture and your personality being difficult to get along with, are just excuses you are giving yourself because it is scary to put yourself out there. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you become scared of the single life. It's one of the biggest reason people find it difficult to move on. But how can you know this for sure unless you have tried?
But anyways, if you are satisfied with your current arrangement with your ex, then I don't see any harm with continuing with it. However, I still don't agree with your reasoning behind it.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for confirming my decision to keep the relationship. i have been checking for your replies every other hour.
your replies have prompted a lot of thoughts in my mind and rethink what i want and where i stand.
honestly, my husband has never given me any sweet talk to lead me on. it is me who find him worthwhile fighting for. i have a happy time with him now. he treats me well and makes me happy.
I am already moving on (i.e. not live with him n have my own life). there is no more room for me to move on other than to divorce him. I am moving on but i want to keep the relationship. so far, i havent met any men who is more caring and thoughtful to me than he does. the only thing he has done to hurt me is probably the desire to leave. but he is still around.
i am also wondering that i may not have done the right steps to save the relationship. instead of using minimal contact, i become a text n call gnats and constantly push him to a corner, yet he still bear with me. i believe other men would have run away already.
I m not even sure if i can implement minimal contact starting now coz i really love talking. But i take your comments on board. i am moving on, while i keep this relationship as i m happy with him n enjoy being treated nicely.
Good Luck Calista. I'll recommend you at least try minimal contact once. Let your ex know that you need space and time for yourself and I am sure he will understand. It'll also make it easier to go ahead with implementing it once you have told him about it.
Thanks for your recommendation.
You are right that my ex is very understanding. When I told him I want some space and time from him, he was in fact very supportive and happy with it that I am attempting to make some changes. However, shortly after I said it, I broke it. You know, it is like if I am telling myself not to call him, I am reinforcing my wish to call him. haha. This is an excuse for myself. My ex would say I break what I said. So, I thought I may never be able to implement the correct procedure in winning my ex back. What I have been doing in the past two years are looping what I did wrong and sort of reinforce his decision to leave me is correct. Yet, he is still around. So I reckon that's a good sign for my chance, as a way to cheer up myself.
Everyone has a certain degree of selfishness. I am also selfish too. I am keeping him around for the sake of myself, instead of releasing him to the better world. My ex decides not to proceed to divorce is not because he is selfish and keeping on the string. It is because I said if he does so, I will be very hurt. He respects my wish. He has never lead me on...as I said.
After hearing from your suggestion, it seems that minimal contact is the only way the go as the first step. If I don't do it, I will never know start the "save the relationship" mission properly. On another note, throughout the past two years, I have been making some positive changes in myself (in terms of appearance which is easier to handle than changing personality, and stay strong). My ex admits that I am attractive. So, the only thing that is missing is the minimal contact.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks a lot for your concern.
I am thinking would it be because i keep on pestering him to move back in with me, thas why he is defensive in making a move to get back with me.
I am not sure if i have told u the reason why we broke up. We married for six years but i didnt respect him n treat him properly as my husband. for the past six years, i didn't live with him. He has endured n loved me a lot. But since i didnt work on the relationship, his love to me dried up.
Given we r on seperation mode, what he is doing to me is more decent than most men who had broken up with his gf or wife.
After hearing the above, would your view to his love / treatment to me change?
Hey Calista,
Given you have been separated for the past 2 years and he still doesn't want to get back together, I still think you should consider moving on. He might be treating you better than most people, but he is not giving you the commitment that you want. If you look at things from a different perspective, him treating you nicely after the breakup is giving you hope and in a way stopping you from moving on. If he had treated you like "most men", perhaps you would have moved on from him till now and found someone who makes you happy.
Whatever his reasons are for not going ahead with divorce and giving you hope (not wanting you to move on, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to breakup his family) are in a way selfish. Like I said before, it's your decision and if you want him back, you should go ahead and with minimal contact for a few months. But till when are you willing to live like this? Give it one last attempt. Or give yourself a time limit. Six months or a year. If he doesn't want you back till then, you should give up hope and try to move on.
Thank you so much for this great advice. I really needed this... :)
Thanks so much for putting this out there and for free and for genuinely helping people out. Bless you for doing that. I found all your information here very helpful and useful, and I promise you I would have never found anything so to the point as this anywhere else. This is exactly what I needed to read and it's right on the money. The way you put everything so simply and laid everything out, it's perfect. You really helped me out and puts things into perspective. You are amazing and thanks for doing that!! :)
Thank you for your comment Annie. Good luck. :)
Hey Kevin,
So an unknown person anonymously let him family and girlfriend know about the pregnancy and he played as if he had just found out too, acting shocked.
He told me he didn't want to be friends, that it was probably one of my "messed in the head friends" who told his girlfriend, that he wants me to just get an abortion, get this "all over with and leave me and my crazy issues in the past."
According to him his girlfriend wasnt shocked or upset and is acting like I am not pregnant and getting more possessive. He told me he can't keep taking me to Planned Parenthood or keep talking to me about it.
Even while he was telling me he didn't want to be friends and only put up with me due to mutuals it still sounded far from the truth (he wouldn't reach out on his own/try to see me/keep pictures/show up to see me and take me home/etc. ) and we talked for two hours, half of which was about the pregnancy, the other about random conversation bits such as cars, and our lives, animals and so on.
I let him know I understand how he felt and that I wanted him to be happy.
He told me he liked his girlfriend and planned on hooking up with her before I came in his life and he fell in love with me.
Today tensions were high since we have started fighting about how important going to planned parenthood was, and I ended up walking out to avoid one of us blowing up. He was getting very agitated and he pushed and swore at his closest friend who started defending me. Hes a very calm, laid back person and I've never seen him like this before. But tensions and blaming is very high right now and he wants to run and leave me behind.
What do I do? How do I even begin getting him back Kevin?
Had a talk with him tonight and he admitted to overreacting when he threatened to oermenantly leave and admitted to losing his cool lately due to being really stressed and we agreed not to fight and work together as a team in regards to the pregnancy. He embraced and hugged me and was pretty reassuring and apologetic.
He still holds to not loving me or wanting to go back because of the past and because he has his current girlfriend.
How do I get him back at this point?
Or act towards him?
Hey Aly,
I think at this point, you should concentrate more on what's best for you and the baby than getting him back. There's a good chance you will not get him back. And you should accept that. You should not push him into getting back together. Like I said in my last comment, you should act like you don't want him back instead of making it obvious that you want him back.
Thank you Kevin, I found out he deleted all our pictures but he has also been lying to his girlfriend about us who had no knowledge of anything. She wants to help him and I with the pregnancy and she still feels worried and threatened. He's on board to help out and go to aoointments but doesn't want to be involved if I decide to keep the child.
While the the pregnancy is my number one priority.
I do still love him and want him back but I don't know if I should get space or get closer.
some of his friends have a feeling we will get back together. As of now he started dating the extremely young girlfriend two months ago, a week after we broke up, she told me she thought about breaking up with him but also likes him and has considered going through his entire phone out of worry before because I would text him and he wouldn't tell her why.
He and I have casual conversations besides the baby and he got coffee with my friend and I on Monday and kept that a secret.
I don't know what to do or what steps to take
I think you should get space and not try to get close with him. His relationship looks like a rebound and speaking from experience, I think it'll end soon. Like I said before, keep doing your thing and don't act like you want him back.
Hey Kevin!
I've been trying to do my best to get some space, his girlfriend tried to come back into my life again since he had been keeping her in the dark and lying,
I to my regret filled her in and she tightened her grip and still feels worried,
but,
initially he and I were tense and ended up conversating at a point where we let out a lot of negativity, positivity, made jokes and he referenced our sex life and joked around about that. He explained how he doesn't know how to handle any of this, and though he did bring up his girlfriend once, we ended up finishing our conversation laughing and on a good note. He brought up how he cares about me regardless of whether we are dating and I shouldn't make assumptions that he doesn't care.
He also said he wanted to be "done with me" still and that his family wants to communicate to mine about the pregnancy.
What would be some next steps?
Like I said before, your main concern right now should just be your pregnancy. If it's meant to be, he will come around. I am not sure if you are still giving him the vibe that you want to be with him or he is just saying that to feel like he has power over you. If it's the former, then try not to. Regardless, let him know clearly that you do not intend to get back with him and you are only concerned about your well being and doing what's best for you. And waiting for him is not good for you. In fact, next time he brings up the topic of him not wanting to be with you, tell him you completely agree with him and that you don't want it either.
Dear Kevin,
I really appreciate your response as i am looking for some guidance during my critical moments.
After much struggles, my husband wants to discuss selling our joint property as he finds it hard to afford it while he is currently renting a place and is looking for a job. we shared the down payment while he had paid for the mortgage for the past four years till now. i am a bit sad that he raised this but he agrees not to go ahead with divorce at this stage.
I don't want to combat his wish n reluctantly agree to sell the flat. he will give me half of the sales proceeds. he said he try to be as reasonable with me as possible.
i asked him why he is still considering a divorce. he said becox i keep pestering him on and off to move back in and having another child with me. i admit i dont do well on this.
but now, he is willing to hold off the divorce decision.
yes, i still want to fight for him as he is not a bad person. aftering hearing the above, do u think i have a chance?
the fact that he suddenly brought up that topic disrupt my minimal contact plan. from what u said, i just need to continue with it. i m worried that i m running out of time as our seperation date is due. so i thought of hurring off to the next stage - that is to rebuild connect.
what do u suggest now? thanks.
Hy Calista,
"Not a bad person". Is that what you want to settle for? There are a lot of great guys out there who are caring, thoughtful, loving, loyal and more compatible with you than your ex. Guys who will treat you the way you deserve and will commit fully into making the relationship work.
If that is your reason for wanting to be with your ex, then I must say that I don't agree with your decision.
Nevertheless, it's your decision and not mine. And if you want him back, I'll recommend you continue with minimal contact for a couple of months. Only talk to him about the sale and your child. And do as I said in my last comment.
Hi Kevin,
Actually, i would like to ask what should i do after he proceeds with divorce?
currently, we have family time together with our child. i treasure our family time and i enjoyed it. i have no regret for the past two years as that was what i wanted to do and thas my time when i realise i have a family, so i treasure it a lot.
if he proceeds with divorce, would it be better off for both of us not getting together for family time. that is i just drop off my child with him. so that i can get use of my life without him?
Kevin,
I told my husband i am very upset by simply hearing he wants to have a good discussion with me without having even heard about the divorce word. i also told him that if he proceeds with divorce, i won't continue the family time with him anymore.
He told me he will put off discussing anything with me. does this sound more hopeful?
now, what could i do next? i still haven't finished my minimal contact period. should i just continue with it n then the remaining plan?
Hey Calista,
If he wants a divorce even if your relationship is better than before, then it means he doesn't want to be with you. And I think if he doesn't want to be with you even after 2 years of separation, then you are better off without him. I agree that you shouldn't continue family time with him if he goes through with divorce so you can learn to live without him.
If you still want to fight for him, you should do no contact (or minimal contact with your communications being only about your child). Do it for a couple of months and try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. Any type of positive changes will help in not only getting him back but also getting over him in case you are not able to reconcile.
Hi Kevin,
It has been nearly two months since I last posted. I have tried to implement minimal contact with my husband for three weeks. Our relationship has improved. Today is our wedding anniversary. Initially we are planning to meet up for lunch, but he was sick and unable to make it. On 25th Jan, it will be our formal seperation for two years and he could proceed with divorce if he wants to do it soley. He messaged me "let's have lunch another time. I want to have a good discussion with you." I sweated after I read this message, because my gut feeling told me he wanted to discuss about the divorce arrangement. I would have hoped that he skips this topic and treats as if nothing happenes.
I started to panic and asked him what he wants to discuss. But he doesn't want to talk about it. What should I do? Do you think the message he sent has any implicint meaning behind it?
I can't say. There's a chance that you are right about him wanting to discuss the divorce. If he does, then I'll recommend you go ahead with it. It's been two years since you are separated. If he still wants a divorce, then your chances of getting him back are very slim. You will be better off concentrating on moving on.
thanks for your reply.
i was thinking if he wants to discuss about divorce, i won't discuss it with him. we won't align and that is against my wish. he can proceed with it by himself without the need to discuss it with me.
despite we had seperated for two years, our relationship has been better than before n we come out regularly as if we hace not seperated. to me, marriage is a life long commitment.
do u think our chance of getting back together is slim?
I made a tread meeting guidelines and is not posted.
I would like to know why.
Hey,
Sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can always post your message on the message boards and get response from the community.
This is great, man
I got dumped today, I found this and read it, and I don't even want her back anymore xD
Kevin,
With regards to your response, I understand that continuing to keep in touch won't necessarily help me get him back, but if i stop keeping in touch do you think that will help/ make a difference? Is it more likely to work in my favor if i stop speaking to him again?
Right now keeping in touch is obviously slowing me down from moving but not entirely, I've started looking at dating other people and texting this guy I met recently. However it's not interfering with daily functioning. I don't wait for his texts.
All the same, I'd rather do whatever has a higher chance of him wanting me back. Do you think if i cut contact he will miss me again?
Anjali
I think you have a higher chance of getting him back if you cut contact with him.
Is there any other way I can contact you? I really need advice.
Hey e.p,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your question on the message boards.
How can I post? It doesn't let me register. It say incorrect email. Should I continue trying to post it here hoping it gets approved?
Ok so I need help. I'm really confused.
So my ex boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years and a couple months and we have a 2 year old daughter. We started dating when he was 16 and I was 17 (we're a year & a week apart.) At first when we started dating he was always calling and texting me and I was more of the distant one. After like 3 months of being in our relationship we had an argument over my birthday plans and he broke up with me I realized I actually loved him after I couldn't even enjoy my birthday let alone it was my 18th birthday. I reached out to him and told him I missed him he said he did too and that he wanted to get back.
We got back together and everything was fine. We started getting more serious and we spent everyday and every single minute possible together. We were inseparable until one day little by little things started changing. A month before our 1 year anniversary he broke up with me and said it was better if we broke up. It was out of the blue I had just seen him and even spent the night at his house the whole weekend.
I told him we can talk about it but he said no but then that we can talk when he came back from his trip to Vegas. So he came back and 3 days later we talked in person and we said he didn't love me anymore, I cried and practically begged him to get back and that we can make it work. He didn't take me back and said sorry it didn't work out. I was depressed and started going out a lot it helped me to forget him BUT we have the same friends so we'd run into each other but I'd just ignore him and we'll say hi out of courtesy but didn't try to conversate.
I would text him at night when I was drinking or felt like I needed to tell him how I felt. He would reply sometimes but he would just say no. After being broken up for 2 months I texted him one night and asked if we had any chance on getting back. He said no that we would never get back. I said ok and that I would leave him alone. I did but I was hurt. I still continued seeing him at parties and 2 times he took 2 different girls with him to the parties.
By this time he was 18 and I was 19 years old. We has been broken up for 5 months already almost 6 months and one night at a party we started talking we were drinking and next thing you know we're kissing and bam we're back together. He kept saying he never stopped loving me and that he missed me so much that he's never missed a girl so much like he's missed me. That he never wanted to let me go again etc.
We were good for a month but then he started accusing me of hooking up with his friends when we were broken up. I would hang out with his friends but because we had mutual friends I told him I didn't and it was a huge thing. We would break up for like an hour and then get back. We were like this for like 5 months then we found I was pregnant.
This changed everything and we decided to leave the past behind. I never told him anything about the girls he would bring around when we weren't together so we felt it was best to move forward. Then one day I happen to go through his facebook (we were ok with us going in each others phones but I know not healthy) I wasn't expecting to find anything I trusted him but i don't know why I still looked. I found him messaging girls saying they were the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. He denied having a gf (I was 6 months pregnant when I saw all this) we lived together so for him to deny me was tough. I would go work and god knows what he was doing.
I confronted him about it he owned up to it and apologized said he was stupid and that didn't mean it etc. I forgave him and we worked it out and moved past that. By this time I was 20 and he was 19 now. I had our daughter in Jan.2013 and everything was going great. We were happy and no more sneaky things but then I starteD feeling insecure about how I looked. I had stretchmarks and had gained weight. I would accuse him of wanting other girls and then we started arguing. I started to become a bit bitter and I wasn't happy with myself.
Months pasted and we kept trying to make it work I then turned 21 and him 20. 2014 has been our worst year ever. After our daughter turned one like 4 months after he started going out to parties with his friends and wouldn't even invite me anymore. I started to feel left out and I wanted to come along but if I'd mention to tag along he'd get mad and sometimes he'd prefer to stay in than to take me. One day again I saw his facebook and text messages. He was doing his sneaky things again and started talking to girls and flirting.
I confronted him again and we broke up for like 3 days. we got back and decided to keep trying. It was until like July that things started getting weird. I felt him distant and I can just feel him staying away. I had asked him about going out with him that night but he got mad and then left to work. I texted him saying it wasn't a big deal I'm his gf. He then replied saying he wasn't attracted to me anymore. That he didn't want me. I moved out and he then went looking for me and we talked up front and said everything we didn't like about each other.
He told me he didn't want to be with me because of my weight and that I had let myself go (which I had) I told him I'd work on that but he had to stop talking to girls. He said he'd stop. He didn't actually start to drastically change until he started his new job in august. He started to become more irresponsible. He started drinking everyday, going out and sometimes wouldn't even come home. My aunt's bf had got him the job so he was always with him. I told him he was changing but he wouldn't listen. We got even worst in October he started hanging out with girls and would lie about when he went to work.
I caught him so many times but he kept saying he was sorry that he loved me and he didn't know why he did that. Like 2 weeks before the official break up(Nov.12) he told me he loved me, that he never wanted lose to me, that he realized I was the only person who would ever be there for him. That we just needed to work on our relationship. We tried but he kept lying and hanging out with girls. I broke up with him but again like always we got back together. Then the day before my 22 birthday he broke up with me. I didn't take it that bad because we always break up and get back.
Then 4 days later I get a call from my friend that my ex was in jail for a dui(3 days before turning 21) that he had told them to call me. I came up with the money to bail him out and was on my way to visit him but then he called me and somehow he had bailed himself out. Also forgot to mention I had moved back in. Anyways I thought maybe after this we'd be ok again but I was wrong. He stayed with a friend for a couple days and he then texted me that we couldn't be together because we just couldn't get along.
I told him we couldn't get along because of what he did. I begged him to try it out but he kept saying no that he didn't love me anymore and that he wasn't attracted to me that he was attracted to someone else. What was confusing was that he kept texting me when he felt down or just to talk like advice but then he would stop replying and wouldn't answer me. I then decided to talk to him and see if we can work on it he said no. I decided to stay maybe like that he would take me back.
on Dec.12 I found out he's in a relationship with some girl I know. But they must have started to date like a week after we broke up. I confronted him and he said when he was locked up he wasn't talking to her yet. So I don't understand when they did. He then said she was helping him alot and that he'd helped her a lot as well(she did/does meth). I got angry because all I've ever done was help him and support him in everything.
He said she was giving him gas money and that she took him food that she was a grown woman. I'm 22 and he's 21 now. I told him I was looking for a job but that he was the one that would tell me not to work and focus on our daughter so for him to throw that in my face. Anyways I left for a week & stayed at my mom's but didn't take everything from his house. He begged me to go back saying that our daughter needed us to be together (not as a couple just living together ) I told him no. That I wasn't happy and that he was in a relationship and I wouldn't be a part of that.
He said he would stop working there but i don't know if that's suppose to make me feel better but it didnt. The thing is he is still with her. He met her through the job so if he leaves the job he leaves her behind but he would go visit her I'm sure. I want him back I do and I started regaining confidence. I've lost a lot of weight almost back to my old self before my daughter but I'm doing this for me. I'm looking for a job and trying to move forward for myself and daughter but the thing is I still love him.
I went back for Christmas & ended up staying a week but during that week I decided to write him a letter saying that I agreed with the break up that we both needed to work on ourselves & that maybe one day we can get back. On new years eve I ended up packing everything & moved out. I didn't want to start the year in all that.
Everyone in his family and even a couple of his close friends say that he's gonna regret it when he sees I'm doing well and that I have my life together. They also say they're sure the relationship won't last but I don't what to think that. I love him and as crazy I may seem I really do think he's the one. We had been great before this new job well good but we were always down to work on it but after this new job he changed a lot and his family thinks the same.
I don't know if maybe it's because now that he turned 21 he feels free because a lot of guys I know say that they felt free at 21 and all they wanted to do was be single and mess around. Although he's with this girl one of his friends told me that he was talking to another girl too so he's not even being faithful to this one girl. I know I may seem stupid for wanting him but I honestly feel he can change.
His family notice that our relationship was different than any other relationships he had been in. I honestly know he was in love with me I would feel it and he would show it and I still feel like he does but he's just confused and doesn't want to commit now. I did tell him though that I was done begging him and if that's what he was expecting then to not hold his breath because I was done begging. I told him I want you but I don't need you. I can live without you. I love you but I'm done begging.
Also his cousin told me on Christmas that he told her he was done with that girl but I found out just recently that he's still hanging out with her. Is it really a rebound or is it more serious? We've been broken up for 2 months now. I am focusing on myself I just need help and to see if I even have a chance or is he really done with me. I love him so much and I want my family back together. I know we took each other for granted. Sorry for this being so long.
Hey e.p
I really feel for you, it's gut wrenching when you love someone dearly but they just don't seem to care. All I want is my family back but it just feels like it's never going to happen. I love and miss my ex and baby girl terribly but I can't even speak to her via text without her spitting venom at me. It's a helpless feeling. I hope it works out for you.
All the best , Don.
Yes it is. I hate that feeling. We only text based on our daughter. I don't tell him anything about us anymore. But you do feel helpless cause all you want is them. I'm sorry I hope your ex can stop doing that and just let you enjoy your daughter at least for her sake. I will never talk bad about her father even after all the bad he's done to me. She will be the one to choose the image of her father based on his actions towards her. Thank you I really hope it works out for you too. Best wishes.
Hey,
You did good by telling him that you don't need him. And it's great that you are getting your life together. However, I think you are lying to yourself if you think your relationship was good before the job. He has been unfaithful for a very long time and you have given him enough chances. There's a pretty good chance he will want you back. But I will not recommend you to take him back. I can almost guarantee that he will go back to his old ways once you are back together. Do no contact and cut him off from your life for a year. You will realize that you are much better off without him and you will agree with me in not taking him back. Stop trying to change him. He won't.
Yes it's true. We were bad even before the job only reason I say that was because he was always willing to work on it but yeah you're right. I don't have him on any social media. I don't call him at all only text but only based on our daughter. He always replies to me and right away but 2 days ago I texted him asking him something about our daughter's birthday which is next week and he never replied which I found odd. I don't want to believe the girl is influencing him to not talk to me. She knows who I am and that he has a kid. Since I moved out I've only seen him once and that was when he was dropping off our daughter. We said hi and bye, we were civil. We didn't argue or anything. I guess I need to ignore my heart and just not take him back even if we have a chance. Thank you
Hello Kevin
I don't know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she's only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend's house, since I moved back in with my mom. She's my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I've been wanting him to act like for months. He's not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren't all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he'd ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I'm better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I'm ok now if it doesn't happen. I don't know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I'm open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he's doing. I know he's most likely still talking to that one girl but I'm ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn't happen I'm ok with moving on. Thank you so much.
That's great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there's a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.
Hi Kevin,
This is my third time posting. To give you context I was dating a investment banker from Uni for about 2.5 years till he started working/ got very busy and put in nothing into the relationship till about a year ( of long distance). At uni, things were great for the most part with some ups and down.
I broke up with him in September and he didn't stop me. I emailed him the day after about " keeping the door open" and he never responded. I never contacted him again. 2 months passed and he asked to talk to tell me"he wasn't ready for a relationship now" but did love me and was having a tough time moving on. We texted a bit till conversation ended. No conversation for about 3 weeks. I initiated right around christmas/ new years and have ben exchanging texts ever 2-3 days. He responded to everything but I feel like I always end up being the one who ends up " continuing" conversation and changing the topic.I've been waiting for it to end on a note that forces him to initiate but it hasn't happened.
Not sure what to do. Conversation has been pretty light-hearted/ not relationship related/ nothing deep either. What do you think? I still want him/ love him and I'm not sure if I should let this continue or he needs to feel my absence entirely again? maybe he's comforted that we've been texting (it certainly comforts me). But I'm worried he'll forget about me if we stop texting entirely because right now we both know that we still have feelings for each other and it probably keeps it on our minds ( even if there's no way we're getting back together any time now). He seems pretty set on career focus right now and even told me when he contacted me he def wasn't ready and he didn't mean anything by what he said but just wanted to tell me how he felt ( but i do think he also did it because he loved me and doesn't entirely want me to move on either even if he didn't say so).
Should i keep it how it is/ keep in touch or go silent again?
You are right about him not wanting you to move on. I don't think staying in touch with him is going to increase your chances of getting him back (whenever he is ready for a relationship). In my opinion, he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship. You are both providing each other little comfort by talking to each other, but it's not going to help you get him back neither is it going to help you move on. If you go silent, you can concentrate on moving on. If he wants you back, he will contact you again.
I've tried moving on, it's been a year since my ex and I had started to fall apart and it's always been tough. But I guess it's been more like 6 or 7 months that we've /really/ been apart. Even when we go through periods of no contact, I sometimes actually feel worse not talking to him. Granted, our no contact periods have only ever been a month at a time, give or take a couple weeks.
I talked to the guy I'm seeing about all of this last night- how I feel about him and I and how I feel about my ex, and we had a great talk. I decided I want to move on but I don't know how. I've tried things suggested on this page: NC, seeing my friends, keeping busy at school and work, seeing other people, and I don't think I've made much progress at all. Today I feel great and I feel closer than ever to the guy I'm seeing, but it pains me to the point of tears to think about how hopeless I feel about how to actually move on. I'd like to focus on how to move on for the sake of this new guy because I actually really do like him and want to be with him despite the things I said in my last post. But also for my own peace of mind.
When you say cut my ex off "for good" do you mean forever or indefinitely? I actually believe exes can be friends and someday when I can handle it, I want to be his friend again. He's the closest friend I've ever had. I actually had an ex from over 2 years ago come back to me recently. I think he was trying to get me back at first but now we are just friends and even hang out in groups and we text most days. As far as the one I'm not over, I would really like to try again with him someday if this new guy and I didn't work out. In your experience, do you often see guys come back after such long periods of time like 2 years?
It happens a lot. And yes, I mean indefinitely. Don't reply to his messages or calls until you are absolutely sure you are over him. You obviously can't be friends with him right now. If in the future, you feel you are ready for friendship, then go ahead and get back in touch with him. But until then, you are better off not contacting him.
Hey Kevin,
It's been a long time since I've commented on this site. My first post was back in May 29th 2014 and the end of the thread is on June 3rd (in case you need reference).
I had been doing well, a couple weeks after our conversation I went to a 5 day concert event with a good male friend of mine from high school who I had started to grow close to a couple months prior. We had a moment and spontaneously kissed, and the next day we talked and decided to try seeing eachother, although we were both not past our old relationships yet.
All this time later I am still seeing him, but I don't feel much of anything beyond friendship for this guy. He is as sweet as they come but I don't think he's responsible. He doesn't keep his word, seems to always screw things up, and he doesn't have much going on in his life other than dating me. He's blown off his friends to see me and he doesn't seem like he has an opinion of his own- he's always just agreeing with whatever I say and telling me what I want to hear. He is a good friend but I am dissatisfied in the relationship.
Rewinding to after I got back from the concert trip, I had started taking a long time to reply to my ex's texts or flat out not replying and he reacted to it by sending other texts like "are you there?" and "can you just tell me if you're alright?" but I never told him why I wasn't replying because he didn't ask. And I know he hates conflict so I didn't want to be the one initiating it by telling him things without his asking. He kept reaching out for a while there, after either a couple days or a couple weeks he would always text me "hey how are you?" I would always stop replying every time he said did something I didn't like, such as trash talk his friends. Eventually we ended up going a month at a time (give or take) without speaking, and he'd still always reach out. He even broke a month of no contact to text me happy birthday in October, and even got the day right! He never remembers anyone else's birthdays. We stayed in touch for a few weeks or so until he stopped replying to me, and the times he did reply in this period, he always took many hours or even a day or 2 sometimes.
Any time he and I spoke after the trip, we never talked about the idea of "us" or even hung out. It was all catching up but not really all small talk, for instance he mentioned going to the college I just started at. We hung out once with another mutual friend on the 4th of July when I convinced him to come along after he turned down the invitation from our friend. Since then I have not seen him.
This time I reached out to him 5 days ago because I've felt a crippling depression coming on and wanted him to be in my life again. He is replying to me and is once again taking a long time to do so. I don't know if he is just busy as he always has been, is playing games, or is just hesitant to talk to me. I find myself reading posts on sites like these, reading old texts from him dating back years ago, and missing him every day and it hurts me.
What do you gather from this? Do you think there's a chance he'd ever come back, and what do you think would increase my odds?
Haley,
Since it's been more than six months, I'll recommend you consider cutting him off completely and try to move on. There might still be a chance but I don't recommend spending so much time emotionally invested in someone else. If you still want to give it one last shot then you might want to become a little aggressive in your approach. Ask him to hang out with you. If things don't move forward in the next month, you should definitely cut him off for good.
Hi, im curious about the no contact rule when you have a kid involved? How do you go about that?
I talk about it here.
This is a bunch of BS,I would never try to get my ex back and change my life completely for anybody to see me in a different light. You can't make nobody want you,nor should anybody fell the need to do so. Move on with your life and meet someone who is crazy about you. Besides I rather be alone then with an ex who stayed with you out of pitty...
I understand where you are coming from. A lot of people feel this way about their ex. And I agree with your last sentence. However, notice I am not recommending them to change just for the sake of getting their ex. But to become a better person for themselves. I state many times on this website that no contact period is for you and not your ex.
Hey Kevin,
Hardcharger here with an update. Last time you recommended a month of no contact and I followed through with that and we had a run-in downtown with friends getting drinks. We talked warmly for about 45 minutes hugging and having a conversation. It was amazing! The following 4 or 5 days we exchanged texts here and there, but I don't feel very much warmth in the texts. Didn't text her for almost a week and then today we were texting for a little while. I haven't suggested anything like hanging out or doing anything. I feel as though we are at a stalemate. I find she is very difficult to read and I don't feel warmth in her texts. I do not know what the next move is.
Thanks Kevin!
I think you should ask her to hangout. If she says no, you can back off for a couple of weeks. You gotta try to move forward.
That is what I have been thinking about, and I have a plan. How about valentines day I send anonymous flowers and when confronted about them I will deny my knowledge of them, but she will know that it was me. Then ask to hang out the next day, not a date as you said not to do, but to hang out. If I am denied to hang out, what is next? Even if I am not denied but she has plans or something, what are my options?
I won't recommend Valentines Day flowers. It'll make it quite obvious that you want her back. You don't want that just yet. You don't want to give her a reason to put up her defenses. If you are denied, wait for a couple of weeks and start texting again.
What should I do if our anniversary is around the 30 day mark and I haven't contacted them yet? Should I send the text on our anniversary?
I'll recommend you extend no contact to 45 days in this case.
Hi Kevin,
I'm back with an update! I'm the 'deaths door' girl. I finished nc and my initiated contact with my ex which included asking if we could catch up. He seemed reluclant at first but he ended up on choosing the time and place. We went fishing at the river in our town. We just chatted as is if we were picking up from where we left off when we were in our good times. We talked about what we had been up to, how our holidays were and how our families are. He even then came and looked over my car where someone had hit it over the holidays. I mentioned it to him but wasn't overly concerned.
We stayed talking for just under an hour and it started raining so we both left.
Two days later I was packing up my house and found something of his. I txt and asked if he wanted me to drop it off. He said 'no, it's ok, wait until next time we catch up.' I don't know if that is a good sign or a bad sign. I did txt him late afternoon the day after we caught up and said I enjoyed myself and it was good to hear how his family is and that he looked refreshed. He replied telling me what he had been doing for the day and I left it at that. When we were talking I got the impression he was kind of checking me out, I've been doing boot camp since we broke up and am in good shape and noticed he was looking at my waist a lot.
What is your opinion on how this all went? The best thing for me is that I still love him but it doesn't hurt anymore if you know what I mean?
KellieAlexis
Hey,
I think it went great. And it's definitely a good sign that he is expecting to meet again. Keep it up and don't do anything needy or desperate.
Hi Kevin
Well we caught up again last night. This time he came to my house. It was much like last time, chatting and enjoying each other's company.
It came about as we had been texting during the day. Initially I initiated it, but later in the evening, he did. He asked me if I had been on any dates and at first I didn't answer, I just asked him 'why, had he?' He said no and I told him that I had (because I have). He told me that he isnt very social anymore and that he reckons the women here are all fake. I asked him if that included me and he said no, that he thinks I'm normal. He then started opening up a bit saying that I should find someone without baggage, and crap who will end up disappointing me. I told him that we all have baggage, and baggage is ok, and that I've been working on mine. I told him that for the record he had never dissapointed me if that was what he was getting at. He said he wasn't but I don't know why else he would say that.
Anyway we joked around a bit and then I told him if he felt like being a bit social I could come and hang out and help him work on his car for a while if he wanted. He said the work that he was doing I couldn't help with so suggesting stopping by my place afterwards. I wasn't holding my breath for him to, but he did and we stayed up talking for nearly 3 hours. It actually reminded me of when we first met and were getting to know each other. I messaged him this morning and said it great catching up, of course I talked way too much but nothin has changed and to enjoy what he had planned for the day. He replied 8hrs later and said just said thanks.
My gut feeling is that he still cares a lot about me, and having a good time has freaked him out.
What do you think?
You are probably right. Don't push him. Give him some time and space to deal with his feelings.
Hi Kevin
It's been just over 2 weeks and he's pretty much completely ignored me since our catch up. I'm starting to think it's just that he's not into me. What do you make of this behaviour?
You may be right. You can try contacting him again if you haven't done so till now. If you have been contacting him and he still has been cold, then you should definitely consider moving on at this point.
Hi again Kevin thank you for the replies,
He didn't answer to my message and he saw it, people are telling me that I have to "wait" (more like to completely move one and who knows) till he makes a move if he ever makes one, because he was the one to break things off.
I'm confused because he sent me a message for my birthday, we had a quick chat still last time (that went pretty smooth) and now, no answer, nothing please, what could be the reasons?
I really want to reestablish contact, show him the new me... Do you think I have to wait till he contacts me? Or send him something in a few weeks? I know that planning a journey to see him is risky but how long is this gonna take, its already been 4 month, I'm feeling in between all the time..
Thanks !
Hey Helen,
I can't say how long it'll take. It could be a few weeks or maybe a few months. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. I usually advice people to set a time limit for themselves. How long are you willing to wait for him? 6 months or a year. If your ex is still cold after that time limit, then you should consider moving on.
Hey Kevin, I was with him again in the same room with two of our friends and things got pretty heated and turned into us talking about our relationship.
Basically he said I had too many problems for him to deal with,
And all his friends think I'm crazy because I cried a lot while we were dating due to me having depression during the time.
He brought up how I complained about his mom too much.
I told him that that has all long passed and I have actually changed and don't have any of those problems.
To which he responded that it didn't matter because its still me, and he just doesn't want to do that again and just "no" to the whole thing and the idea of it.
I know his girlfriend and her family who hates me have had influence on him viewing me so negatively.
Regardless it was a very tense situation in which whatever I said or whatever solutions I provided he instantly shut them down, I don't understand why, and refused to even look at it.
I left the room and one of my friends ended up getting in my exes face about how cold and hostile he was being. My ex started tearing up and getting frustrated and left to his car in the same state but did pull me outside alone to hug me before getting into his car visibly trying not to tear up again and then driving away.
His recent actions and reactions have been more confusing and negative and I don't understand why or what to do.
It sounds like he is still remembering too much of the bad. Do not push onto him how these things aren't issues anymore, he should see that rather than hear it. His current gf sounds pretty insecure if she has to put you down to make herself more appealing, think about that for a second. That sort of negativity eventually kills a relationship.
Hey Aly,
You shouldn't have tried to convince him. It would have been a better idea to tell him you don't want to get back together with him. You just told him you are still in love with him and are still waiting for him even if he is with someone else. This incident just gave his ego a boost. And it made him lose a little bit of respect for you.
It's a good idea to talk about solutions to the problems in the relationship, but only when both of you are thinking about getting back together. In your situation, he clearly didn't want to get back together. And by providing solutions, you were pushing him. And that's why he started to pull away. Instead, if you agreed with him, he would've started wondering that you really have changed.
Thank you,
He slowly becoming more hostile saying he wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea of how to respond to this.
That's OK. Agree with him and do your own thing. Next time you are in a situation where you two end up talking to each other, do not let him know that you want to get back together.
Hey Kevin, in the past week there have been a lot of developments. First off, I found out I was a few weeks pregnant, I made sure it was certain at first and then told him within three days. Initially he took it negatively, pushing for an abortion and being heartless about it, but as the reality of things set in, he has agreed to be supportive. We have already visited Planned Parenthood twice and plan to visit again, he is still wanting an abortion which is understandable. He refuses to tell his girlfriend about any of this. (They are about 6 weeks in right now.) And refuses to tell his family, so whatever the outcome we would have to pay for it together and discreetly as he puts it.
I believe the right thing to do would be to tell his girlfriend, however I know its not my place since I am not the one dating her. He's been keeping each time he speaks with me, sees me, goes to Planned Parenthood, etc. a secret from her and I found out he sees her pretty rarely sometimes.
It seems like he is gradually viewing our relationship in more and more of a negative light, talking about how crazy I was, how "done" he was with me, how he will never go back because of how our relationship was, recalling nothing good. I don't know why because I have done nothing but improve, getting a new job, reestablishing myself in my studies, and so on. One of our mutual friends told him that I felt uncomfortable about his girlfriend and him. I also found myself at a party with them alone in which he left her twice to discuss the pregnancy with me and spent very little time around her and that which he did was mainly spent just sitting next to her. She's far younger than both of us and the age of his youngest sister so it was very odd seeing her at this party with all our friends.
I am lost on what to do, how to act, why he's viewing us so negatively, and so on. He seems frozen on "I just won't go back to us".
He is trying to justify his decisions by calling you crazy. Let him. Don't react to it. And even at this point, don't push him to get back together. Let it be his decision. Tell him you are not expecting to get back with him. Better yet, tell him you are not interested in getting him back. And keep doing your thing. He will eventually come around.
hi Kevin ..
I'm kind of freaking out here ..
he's going to ask her to be het GF today :( ..
and I blocked him .. and said to him that I still have feelings for him and it's hard for me to see him with someone else .. so he said it's ur problem not mine .. and he was kind of angery when he talked to me .. evrn that he started the conversation ..
the thing is .. it's not making sense .. a week ago he told me he loves me .. he has no one in his life .. and we'll spend valentines day together. . and now he's asking a girl he met a month ago out after our fight???
can you plz help me to figure what's going on?
the problem is .. his friends likes her! .. ALOT!!!!
and hate me too :(
so .. now I blocked him .. cut contact with him .. already have a date next week .. what do you think I should do?
Hey Mema,
If he really loved you, he wouldn't be asking the other girl out. He wanted to keep you around because he was alone or as a backup. Which is the reason I was telling you to do NC.
There's a chance that he will realize he loves you and misses you and want to come back. DO NOT accept him back in your life immediately. Let him prove that he is ready to commit. Then and only then be in talking terms with him.
There's also a chance he will make that girl his girlfriend and start a relationship. In that case, the relationship might end like a rebound (likely) or last for a long time (unlikely). In either case, you should continue no contact and concentrate on moving on. You have wasted enough time on him and you should really learn to be happy in your life without him. If he really loves you, he will come back. But IMO, you shouldn't wait for him or let him string you along anymore.
thanx Kevin ..
but can you give me an exact percentage of my chances in getting him back now?
after acting like a couple .. saying I love you .. and now he's dating someone new out of !
and one more thing .. he blocked me after I blocked him .. him even blocked me on Facebook "I unfriended him .. and then he blocked me" ..
and should I contact him now and tell him that I acted stupid and I ended things the wrong way and that I don't want us to end up blocking each other again.. and that I'll take time to myself and when If I feel I can be friends with him again I'll contact him??
or what??
one more thing .. I did the most stupid and humiliating thing in the world .. I sent that girl a message on FB .. telling her that I was his gf .. and even though we break up .. we could not move on .. and told her how he acted when he was in my city .. but .. at last .. I told her to have a happy life with him .. and I wish them all the best .. and I wish that I was died before I hit the send button :(
and p.s : he blocked me at 4 p.m .. she saw that message at 3:45 pm
and he didn't change his whatsapp status .. it's still our song with the "honey imoji" which refers to me !
What do you think?
Don't contact him. I can't give a percentage but your chances are less. I'll recommend you keep him blocked and start to move on with your life. There's a good chance he will contact you again. But it doesn't mean he wants to get back together. It just means he is craving the security that you provide him (a backup) and he doesn't want to lose that. If he contacts you, tell him you need space and time and you can't talk to him unless he wants to commit.
Thanx Kevin .. bit should I wait for him?
is there really any chance left for us?
and I'm really hurt now .. I feel like he was playing with my emotions .. and he wasn't honest with me :(
and is this girl a rebound or he's serious about her??
he said that I hurt him alot .. and he used to cry because of me .. I was the only person who made him cry :( ..
he's hurt too ..
but idk what to believe .. what he said when he was with me .. or that this girl is someone real in his life .. and he actually loves her!
what do you think?
You do have a chance still. But like I said before it's very slim. Whether or not you should wait for him is for you to decide.
The girl is probably a rebound. There's a slight chance it might turn into something serious but most probably it won't.
Me & my ex have been broken up for about 4 months already, a week after we broke up he was trying to get back together with me but he was already staring something up with another girl who had tried breaking us up before. Anyways long story short a couple weeks later they start dating & they've been in a relationship ever since. But the weird thing is my ex is constantly messaging me about getting some stuff I still have of his, but he never comes, I don't understand why he bothers me so much about it ? I've tried countless times to get over him already but it still hasn't worked so I'm just going with the flow. I followed your steps to get over him but not to get him back because I don't feel I'm ready yet, I'm just waiting to see what happens & if it's meant to be then we'll be. I've worked on myself & just focused on myself. I still miss him very much & it still hurts that he moved on so quickly but I just don't understand why he constantly bothers me & tries rubbing his new relationship in my face so much. Why do you think he does this ? At first I thought that it was just a rebound relationship but it's been 3 months so I figured that's not it, especially because they seem to be going pretty strong still
3 months is pretty short still. Rebounds will sometimes last a year, that's the tipping point. It will either get really serious after that, or they will drift apart.
If he is rubbing the new relationship into your face, he may be overcompensating to make you jealous and confirm his doubts about the new relationship.
Hey,
Some rebounds last much longer than others. It's possible that it's a rebound. He is still showing the signs of a rebound.
My ex messaged me the other day like I said & he's supposed to come over tomorrow to get his hat, which I don't understand why he acts like he needs it so badly if it doesn't even fit him anymore. Anyways, yesterday I saw that he finally changed his status to in a relationship with the girl he's been with & today I found out she might be pregnant ... I still love him so much & this just crushed me. I still don't understand why he bothers me so much & rubs it in my face if he seems to be so committed to her already ... I miss him & idk what to do ... there's no way I could ever get him back :((
I think the best thing to do right now is ignore all his messages. I'll also recommend you block him after tomorrow. If he doesn't come, give his stuff to a friend or send it to him via mail. Tell him about it and then block him. Yes, chances of getting him back are very slim. From now on, your priority should be to get over him completely and the best way to do that is to completely cut him off. I know you miss him and want him back, but at this point, I don't think it'll be worth the effort, the pain and the unnecessary drama you will have to go through for a very small of chance of getting him back. It'll be a lot easier to just cut him off move on.
I saw him today when he finally went to get his hat, I tried making it as quick as possible but it seemed like he wanted to talk because he sort of hesitated to leave after & said "thanks" & just kept staring at me. I guess his girlfriend being pregnant is just a rumor & if it is & I still want him back & she is still a rebound, how exactly would be the best way to get him back ? Do I just continue to act like I don't care & focus on myself & wait for him to come to me or do I approach him ?
He also tried really hard to look especially handsome today, I think he did this to try to impress me or make me miss him in some sort of way. I just kind of need some advice on the whole situation, I think the best thing to do is just wait it out & hope he comes back but I'm not sure if he misses me or wants me back. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding everything & taking it the wrong way & maybe he doesn't miss me. But in a way he makes it so obvious also that he's trying to make me jealous still & that he still misses me because it's a big coincidence that he decided to message me on the 4 month anniversary of our break up & every month since on that day he messages me. I feel like he's now trying to make him relationship private on Facebook because that's the only social network I have him on still & maybe that's why he changed his status to "in a relationship" now. Please give me the best advice, I don't wanna ruin any chances I may have
I meant to say that I think he's making his relationship public on Facebook because that's the last social network I have him on, not private, sorry lol
I agree with Australia. You should do NC for a while. He will try to contact you. In which case, do as I said in the last comment. It's not going to ruin your chances.
Clarissa, it sounds like he may still be interested, but that may also be your skewed view. Maybe he is just trying to show off how awesome he is doing (whether or not that is true). I would focus on yourself for now.If you work on yourself and sees how awesome you are, if he still has feelings for you, then he will gladly accept becoming friends and hanging out. This however won't be possible until you go NC for a while. You need to let him chase!
Thank you Kevin for your email...
I've taken a holiday and I am meeting my ex, actually he's picking me up from the airport and i'll be seeing him for the first time as friends! But I'm not waiting on anyone anymore... Confused/ emotionally unstable/ child-mind like men out of my life! I'm high value and willing to wait to meet my match :)
Thank you for being inspirational and supportive. See you on the boards if you're ever there... All my love xx
Have a great holiday Rihanna. Thank you for being a part of my journey in developing this website. :)
I hope one day I can get to where you are.
I need some advice, because I am at a loss for what to do now. I will say this may get unorganized, there are many things going through my mind and I need to type them all out
My ex and I own a house together. I am releasing it to her. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. We bought it together and I thought we would start building our family in it together. On Wednesday we go to the notary to sign the declaration, and then we'll have all the forms ready to submit for the 20th. I need to know what I should do on Wednesday. I need someone to tel me how to act, because all I want to do right now is confront her.
We broke up in August. There was a lot of pleading from my side. I lost my mind, found this site, found new energy, but she started seeing someone during NC. Technically kind of before it even started. I didn't find this out until after NC and the letter. The reason this is so hard for me is because she told me she didn't want to be with anyone and that was a major reason she was breaking up with me, she didn't love herself, needed to work on herself, and until that was done, how could she love anyone else. For a year we had been talking about our future together, our schooling, career paths, kids. She started dating less than three months after and of course it made me feel sick to my stomach. We have a lot of common friends, so through some conversation, I have found out some things that made me feel even worse.
Is it a rebound? It's hard to say. We are on friendly terms, but not quite as friendly as I would like to be. She knew him while we were dating and that just makes it worse to me. She doesn't want to talk about their relationship, but all I want to do is press her for answers. Why did she break up with me for those reasons if she just turns around and starts dating someone else? I know many of her friends told her that dumping me wasn't her best idea. I know he says "I love you" to her, I assume she reciprocates. She is the most stubborn person I know. I am going through a hard time right now because we would have been on a trip right now and I was planing to propose on the 7th. This coincides with the meeting at the notary.
How should I act? I really want to tell her about the trip and the proposal, but I feel that it is a terrible idea. I'm pretty certain that I am going to break down and cry, because I am tearing up just writing this. I don't want to move on, this girl has everything I want. Maybe I am just jealous of her new found happiness, but I am definitely mad because I know what he is getting from her on Valentine's Day. Boudoir photos, I know this through mutual friends, just like I know that he gives her money to support her. Last year at that time we were pretty broke having just bought a house. Maybe the house and finances put undo stress on our relationship. I just want to know why she chose to lie to me on the breakup, give up and throw away everything we had together. I need to know and I don't think I will ever be able to reconcile without knowing. The person that he is for her, I would have been and much more.
Please tell me how I should approach this. Do I try to talk to her and get my resolution or do I leave it be in hopes that we will eventually find each other again?
Of course I am mad at her relationship, but I know that I cannot actively attack it without cementing it more in her mind and that makes me even more sick.
To add to this, I am at a point where I don't want to sign over the property to her, because I feel like I will be giving up the last part of our relationship. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. I don't know, but it makes me sad beyond my own comprehension.
I'm starting to think that maybe I should ask her what I could have done better in the relationship, instead of directly referencing the break up, she would be able to tell me the real reasons. I am worried however that she will say nothing and then I will be forced to finger point at her current actions.
HI Australia! I'm from down under too... Hi 5! hehe... so sorry for your hurt, it really sucks being here but on the plus side I'm sooooo glad I met this site and made friends... I may even be meeting up with someone I met here ;) ... All the best on your journey, hope you get what you deserve though it may not be what you want... Go Aussie!
Hey Australia,
I think you are expecting some kind of closure with this confrontation. But I highly doubt any answer from her is going to satisfy you. If anything, it's going to confuse you even more. If you want to keep the property for financial reasons, you shouldn't sign it off to her. But if you just want to keep it some kind of link to her, then you'll be better of letting it go. Along with her. I doubt you will get any satisfactory answer by confronting her, neither do I think it'll help you get her back. But if you break down and end up confronting her, it's OK. Don't be hard on yourself if you end up doing it. You are under a lot of emotional stress. And it's OK to break down sometimes. Go in with the mindset of keeping your cool and acting casual. But if things don't go as planned, don't fret. I will recommend that if you do decide to confront her, you do it in a calm and levelheaded manner, without acting needy or desperate.
Hi Kevin, thank you for the response, it does make me feel a lot better hearing back from another person's perspective.
I know she is coming to pick me up and then we will hang out a bit before going to the notary in which time I will try and not say anything and just show her YNAB. I have no interest in the property, I just felt like signing it over would create a sort of finality in our relationship and maybe that is for the best. A clean break so I can go back to another NC period.
So we were at the lawyer today and if all goes well, that means we will only have to meet once more. I did break down a little bit and talk to her a bit. I didn't leave it on a good note. So I compensated a bit with a message, asking if in a few months we could maybe sit down and talk, if I still wanted to.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to get her back. I was too much of a shit after our breakup and it fills me with regret, but I am also starting to think that she cheated on me emotionally towards the end of our relationship.
I don't know what to think anymore. I'm going to go see a therapist during this new no contact period that I am making as long as I need until I wake up one day without expecting her to be next to me.
Good luck Australia. It's great that you are coming in terms with the breakup. Someday, you will look back and be glad that you went through this pain because you will be stronger and happier than ever.
I hope so, because right now I am not capable of trusting anyone like that again.
Hey Kevin,
my ex text me saying she miss talking to me and can't stop thinking how I'm doing, am I studying, am I going out with friends etc. I think she's worried. What should I do, is this the desired effect of NC or it's a more complex situation? What if she keeps worrying about me, and never forget the negative things and how needy I was, during the whole NC period?? Thanks!
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.
It's normal. Don't answer the texts. If she keeps texting (continuously for 2-3 days), tell her you need some space and time right now and you can't talk to her.
Hi kevin, I've been posting my comment. However it says pending approval? Any way I can get help with my question? Not sure why it's not being posted. It clearly meets the requirement.
Thanks.
Hey Katy,
The comments here are heavily moderated. I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions in the message boards.
Hello Kevin, are the boards heavily monitored as well? Because I've posted there too and I keep getting the same error message, "Awaiting Moderation"
Any help here?
No, they are not. Just the first time someone posts on the boards, it needs to be manually approved. After that, you are free to post any time you want. This is to keep out spammers. Your post is approved now and you are free to post as much as you want.
Can this system work if you are still living with your ex?
It's harder. I write about it in this article.
Hi Kevin, all the best for 2015!
Its been 3,5 weeks since the bday message and since he didn't reply to my reply, I have a urge to contact him since yesterda but I'm terrified about messing it up, or doing it too early. (back in November he said he would need 2 to 3 month to be able to approach me and to move over the breakup)
Regarding the checklist, I'm all good, I have kind of a new interested in a new guy and I am generally moving on from my ex (no more obsessing, peaceful mind set most of the time, accepted the fact that I might never get him back and that its ok because of all the possibilities in life) , but since yesterday I really want to contact him..
But it literally freaks me out to do so when I think about doing it, does this mean I'm not ready? How long do I have to wait I mean maybe I'll always be freaked out about contacting him..
Thanks Kevin!! x
Ok so I talked to him and it went well, he replied immediately had a quick chat for 15 mins I stopped the conversation saying I had to go out. whats next? he just seemed happy that I was going well, asked if everything was going ok and just wished me to have fun
I made it
We live in different town, do I have to message him again in a few weeks, im so confused about what to do know!
You can text him again after 3-4 days.
Thank you for your reply, I'll follow your advice!
But how can I make him initiate contact eventually? I mean he will probably respond to my other message but then what ;( it would be bad if I always initiate them!
What is the next level?
Thank you so much xx
That's why you should wait 3-4 days after texting him. You are giving him an opportunity to initiate contact. If he doesn't, next time give him more time. A week or two.
Hi Kevin,
I did what you said and send him a short message related to a news fact, yesterday. It's over facebook and still it doesn't show as "seen at"" but I can see that he has been active on facebook.
If he doesn't answer I'm gonna wait at least 3 weeks before messaging him again, but last chat we had he replied fast and we had a nice quick conversation so why would he ignore me now??
This is bringing me down, but I know I can't send another message now it would show as needy...
Why is he doing this? Sould I message one of his friend to ask how he is doing? :(, I'm loosing hope is there still any??
Thanks x
Maybe I should go in his town in week or 2 and just call him and ask him if he wants to meet up? Like just do it rather than go around with messaes because its too tricky and not as effective as just meeting up and seeing each other and talking freely? And showing how I have changed etc?
Hey Helen,
There's a risk that he will reject your proposal to meet up, in which case, you will have made the trip for nothing and will feel quite rejected. There's also a chance that rejection will make you act needy or desperate. I will recommend you wait until you and him are on good talking terms.
Hi Kevin, I need your help on this one... new guy new heartache haha!
Well, I met a guy a couple of months ago and at first he seemed keen as I'm sure you've heard stories like this before. He introduced me to his parents, invited me to a family occasion, came to my house met my family few times and then that was IT! Since then, he's been distant and I think he wanted to kiss me or something on the third date but I'm shy as he knows and perhaps that's why he became distant. I deleted his number until he texted me merry xmas and we've been texting every now and then since. He went on a holiday and didn't tell me before he went cos we're not together but when I texted me NYE he told me he was away and that I can text him or call him anytime! He always replies to my texts almost immediately . I think tonight I did a huge mistake. I texted him around 9 pm a text that's bit too deep for him maybe and he didn't like it. my text was: 'What do you wanna gain from life (his full name). what would you tell the guy you knew 20 years ago and forgotten about? how will you make it up to him this year?' ... Of course I'm talking about the child in him and what wishes he had but forgot etc... his reply was immediate: ' I don't understand your message sorry' I said ' it's too much to text' hoping he'd call... he said 'gonna have to talk about that one' but didn't call me' me: ' I hope I didn't upset you' him: 'not upset just don't understand your messages!' I gave him two options: 'you either want to understand or you don't care to think about it' him: 'don't know ring me tomorrow' me: 'it's nothing weird but too much to text. i hope I didn't disturb your night I didn't mean to' ... That's it he didn't reply back. I'm not sure what to do here. Why is he being difficult and if he's seeing someone why not tell me we were never together though his actions in the beginning gave me that feeling we were. What do I do please help me Kevin. Do I ring him tomorrow? Do I delete him? Do I ignore him? Will he call me if I don't? ... Why am I feeling this way about someone I've only seen a few times? I hope I'm not acting desperate though I don't text every day but most of the time it's me initiating. Help me Kevin please, i'm so embarrassed by all this :( thank you
Please Kevin? ... I'm not gonna sleep tonight I'm so upset :( ... Never had a guy that's "not into me" and I'm not taking this well... what to do?
Hey Rihanna,
It's great to see you have moved on from your ex and how far you've come. You are just overthinking things. He just didn't get the message and didn't want to get into it. The guy is probably into you. But if you try too hard, it'll seem unattractive. So just relax. Let things take their own course. Even if he is not into you, it isn't the end of the world. You got over your ex, this guy will be a piece of cake. Don't take it personally. Life's too short to pine over things that aren't meant to happen.
Oh yes Thank God I am over my ex and now we're good friends, Legitimately! We both know we can never be together due to family, religion, politics and money meaning everything in life haha! plus, I really don't have any feelings for him anymore... He always tells me he's there for me but whatever is said and done we just CAN NEVER be together and I'm ok with that...
Now about this guy. What should I do? I sent him a text this morning explaining that text and I haven't heard back. I'm going away next week and would like to talk to him before I leave. Why is he ok with texting and calling but everytime he says "i'll call you and see you soon" it never happens! What am I meant to do to re-ignite his interest? I don't want to sound interested or worse, desperate but do you think I can call him and have a chat? What is this guy's deal why act super keen and get family involved then vanish? And it's been like this well over a month! any idea?
hey Kevin .. it's been a while since I've posted here .. so first I want to wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New year ..
I followed your advice .. I told my ex that I need time to myself .. and I cut him off completely ..
so in the next couple of days he started contacting me .. for like 2 or 3 minutes a day at first .. then our conversation got longer ..
and we were back to where we were ..late night talks .. saying I love you .. texting .. etc
he apologised about what he said last time and he said that I'm the most beautiful thing that happened in his life .. and I'm going to be like that again .. lol ..
so .. last time he was at my city .. he promised me that he'll come before the new year start ..
a few days ago .. we were talking and he was joking about coming to my city .. so .. the next morning he called me .. and he was really in my city .. so we met .. we huged me .. told me how much he missed me .. and at the end of the date .. he hold my hands .. looked into my eyes .. and said that he loves me .. he yelled it out loud .. it was so romantic .. so .. we ended the date happily .. the next day .. we agreed on going out with our friends .. but at last minute .. he cancelled on me .. so I got mad .. we got into a fight .. at last we agreed on meeting for 5 minutes "I insisted " .. so he came .. he was unhappy .. we set things straight .. we made out .. before we knew it .. 2 hours were gone .. and his friends were calling him to come back .. so we went home .. agreed on meeting the next morning .. the next morning he was distance .. I asked him why he said because his friend was with us .. so .. him and his friend were talking about going to the new year's festival in his town .. he said they'll go with his best friend .. so the next morning there was a photo of them on fb with 3 girls .. one of them he told me before she was his friend's gf ... he lied saying she's in a relationship .. and when I asked him about that .. he said he said so because he didn't want me to suspect that he likes her .. we got into a fight .. he apologised at last .. and went offline without even waiting for me to say goodnight ..
today he acted distance again .. idk why! .. he knows I'm sick .. and he called me once all day :(
so idk what to think or what to do again .. what do you think Kevin?
Hey Mema,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too. To me it seems like you are still insecure and needy, which is the reason he is not committing again. He is afraid of losing you completely and he doesn't want to commit (keep himself available). In my opinion, you shouldn't have answered him once you told him you need some time and space. I'll recommend you ask him for commitment. Tell him that you can't let him keep stringing you along. If he wants you, he should commit. If he doesn't, you wil cut contact with him and move on. If he wants time, tell him you need time too and start no contact. And if you start no contact, do not answer his calls, at least for a month.
thanx Kevin ..
but how I was acting needy or insecure? .. can you tell me plz?
and well I did ask him for commitment .. we were talking .. he said that he believes that he's ready to start dating again .. and he misses being in a relationship again "broke up 3 monthes ago" .. and there is someone in his life .. he likes her .. but he doesn't know if he'll ask her out yet .. but he's talking to her daily .. so one thing led to another. . I said that we can get back together .. he refused .. he got angry right away .. saying that if I bring this topic up again .. we will lose each other .. I said that we can try for a while .. we both grow up .. we were so happy together last month .. and we are already acting like a couple .. so he refused .. and got even angrier at me :( .. and he said that he doesn't want to make out with me anymore .. because he doesn't want to lose me as a friend :(
now we agreed on getting time away from each other .. so we can calm down .. "2 or 3 days"
so .. I think NC can't be applied in my situation right now .
what should I do! !
I really want him back ..
he was amazing with me last month .. no fights .. sweet talks .. long hours night calls .. we were acting like we've never broken up :( ..
but he looks very hurt from our break up .. and he doesn't have a will to forgive me about it .. or forget about it .. even though he said he loves me ..
so .. should I lose hope now?
1. You got mad when he cancelled on you. Instead, if you would have told him calmly that you don't appreciate him cancelling on you at the last moment and next time he shouldn't make plans with you that he can't keep; he would've seen you as mature instead of insecure.
2. You saw his picture on facebook and immediately (I am assuming immediately) asked about the girl, her relationship status etc. Signs of jealousy and insecurity.
3. You told him you want time and space and cut him off. But as soon as he started messaging you, you forgot about what YOU NEED (time and space) and started fulfilling HIS NEED (talking to you). You put him before yourself. Which shows that either you don't respect your decision, or you need him more than your well-being.
If he has already said no to commitment, I'll highly recommend you cut him off. If you want him back, let him know that it's hard for you to be friends with him right now and you need time and space. Tell him if you decide you can be friends with him, you will contact him later. Then start no contact.
thanx Kevin .. I did what you said ..and then I blocked him on social media and everywhere else ..
Happy New Year Kevin! Thank you so much for all your support in my darkest hour and for proving to me that there's always light at the end of a dark tunnel ... Here's to a better 2015 with new beginnings ... May this year be a great one to you also. All my love xx
Rihanna,
It's great to hear from you. Hope you are good. Happy New Year to you too and may this year bring you success in life and love. xo
I think i made way too many mistakes before i came across this website and the steps so i still think its impossible to get her attracted to me again, should i move on?
last week she apologized for how she treated me after the break up and said i was perfect and a good boyfriend, that got my hopes up and i stupidly asked if she wondered about getting back together, she didnt reply, but a few days later she sent a random message like nothing had happened. The main reason why we split up was that i had moved away to uni and she thought it wouldnt work, but i can move home now. Do you think my plan should be to casually tell her im home for good and meet up a few times to try and build attraction?
Yes, but don't tell her you want to get back together. Let it be her idea.
Kevin! You said about No Contact. Ok fine, there will be no contact but can we upload status on whatsapp/facebook reminding him of some special dates or time we spent together? Statuses would not be of the begging/pleading type. Also! We were never committed but there is something different in this story. I know you may not have time to listen to all the stuff but I seriously love him whole heartedly and I really wish to know where does the problem lies.
No, I will not recommend such statuses. They will still look needy and desperate.
Why can't I see my posts here??
Toby,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.
How can I ask them out as suggested in step 4 if they are still in their rebound relationship?
Fist establish contact and if they are warm and you have been in contact for a few weeks; ask them to meet for coffee. Tell them you just want to catch up. Don't call it a date.
Hey Kevin,
Happy New Year! I wrote here a few days ago, but I don't see my post here, so I am writing you again.
So my situation is: Dated a girl for 10 months, broke up almost 3 months ago, a month after the break up she started dating another guy. During this time I did all the deadly mistakes you have mentioned and started no contact about a week and a half ago. Broke it last night by replying her text for New Year.
When we broke up she told she will always love me and if she sees some positive changes in me, we can be together.
My question is how long should I go with the no contact period? And what if I mistakenly get the feeling I am ready to contact her, but I am not and screw things up again? Another no contact period? I am afraid of getting into a vicious circle.
And one more thing. She usually meets her future boyfriend at the end of her current relationship. Like she can't be alone and keeps someone lined up. That's what happened to me. I can't do nothing but hope it's a rebound relationship.
I would be very grateful if you can give me some advice what to do and see your opinion on my case. Thank you in advance!
Hey Toby,
You should do at least one month. Use the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. If you screw up, start no contact again. Give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for her? 1 year? 6 months? Make a promise to yourself that if you are not back together by the end of that time period, you will focus on moving.
Honestly I am willing to wait for her for years, but I am afraid I don't have much time, considering the fact she is having a new boyfriend. And also the changes I plan to do require a lot of time.. Another thing is that I am worried, I am wasting my no contact time, by still thinking a lot about her, and not doing anything. On the other hand I don't consider rushing things a good idea.
Hello kevin, I just wanna start by saying this article really helped to open up my eyes and realize how needy I was being, me and my boyfriend broke up like a week ago and it still pains me, we've been in contact kinda here and their through out everyday. He said he wanted to build a foundation with me, so how can I start doing the no contact rule?
From here on now I'm going to look at the positives of myself and build my self back up, I'll show him I'll be happy without him, I was happy before right, and I'll be halt again! :)
Tell him you need time and space to deal with the breakup and start no contact.
For the past week since his girlfriend forbade him from talking to me it seems like he has been listening to her, and only Skype called me once when I was with mutual friends. He hasn't reached out to me, talked to me, or been interested or curious. At one point he did comment on Facebook on one of my pictures of my friends and I asking why nobody ever calls him to go out with us. On Christmas my friend delivered a ring I bought him during Black Friday and said he wouldn't let go of it, talked fondly of me, agreed I wasn't crazy and said he would continue talking to me while we still had things in common because teasing me was fun. She said he didn't talk to fondly of his girlfriends family and seemed rather annoyed but his family approves of his relationship with her. He continues to keep tabs on me, and likewise goes for his girlfriend, after telling me to leave her alone and to stay away from him, she continues to stalk my social media. At one point she lashed out at me publicly saying to fight her and that I am jealous of her and that I copy her to be her. I had the opportunity to respond but didn't say anything and ignored it.
Do I cut her out and block her or continue as I am and what do I do with this situation with him?
Yes, it'll be a good idea to block her. And I'll also recommend you start going out on dates while keeping no contact with your ex.
So in the past week my closest friend and our mutual friend, my exes closest friend have started dating and we are being brought even closer around each other, more run ins, and I found out for college we have enrolled in mutual classes, so I'm afraid in the coming weeks its going to be inevitable that I see him.
I thought it would be a good thing but hes been with his rebound for at least three weeks now.
A few nights ago I went to get food with my friend and she invited her boyfriend who was with my ex so now it seems like the four of us will be around each other often.
My ex kept glancing at me or avoiding eye contact entirely, we pooled in her car and he decided to drive and sit next to me but was pushing me around, making excuses to grab my hand and being really rough, which I have never ever seen him like this before. He's been starting to act more distant or more rough and simply not like himself. I've been trying to only say positive things, casual things, or few things in general. I know no contact at this point will be very difficult.
I did block his girlfriend and go on three dates with three different people since we broke up.
Whenever you see him, just keep your cool and don't show any signs of neediness. I think you have done well so far. Keep doing the same until he makes a move or his relationship ends.
Hey Kevin,
I followed your 5 step program, with little hope of it working, and well it worked perfectly, so thank you, we are happily back together and stronger.
For everyone out there, NC is definitely hard but it works, so keep strong.
Many thanks.
That's amazing Cindy. Thanks for sharing your success.
Cindy, how did you get through the no contact? I'm a third of the way through, but I'm really struggling and I'm scared this won't bring him back.
Hi Kevin,
I followed your previous advice and did no-contact with my exact. He contacted me exactly around 2 months however it did not go as intended and now we're out of contact again and i'm not sure how to fix it or if I should do no contact again.
So he contacted me about a month ago now, asked me to talk. He told me he loves me but is not ready or mature enough for a relationship. I expressed confusion at why he contacted me and we discussed being friends and texted occasionally after that for a week. During thanksgiving, he texted me a lot and i felt emotionally confused about it and then i told him we had to talk about it and asked him what was going on. He said he didn't know and that he knew i couldn't wait for him but couldn't be in anything now. He also said he loves me a lot and is having a lot of trouble getting over me but knows i cant wait.
After that he didn't contact me again. I texted him about a week later to ask how he was doing; he responded but did not extend conversation. Then I haven't contacted him since and he hasn't contacted me. He kind of cut me out without warning or telling me anything.
I've been thinking if i should contact him or leave him alone. What do you think ?
Anjali
Hey Anjali,
I think you should give him time. And I think he is pretty clear about himself, which is a good thing. He is not ready for a serious relationship. If you want to wait for him, you can. But I wouldn't recommend waiting more than 5-6 months. If you decide to wait for him, contact him after a month or two and see where he stands. Meanwhile, I'll recommend you start dating other guys and start exploring your options. There's a good chance he won't be ready for a relationship anytime soon. And perhaps you dating other guys might just be the kick he needs to become mature enough for a serious relationship.
If I start dating other guys, should I continue to not remain contact with him in the meantime ( another few months) ) while I shop around? Otherwise, he'll never know I'm dating someone else right/ unless I tell him?
I'm already trying to talk to other guys and such and definitely a tiny bit moved on but it's not huge but could maybe also be helpful in me realizing hes not the only fish in the sea and someone better is out there for me.
Thanks for all your advice
Anjali
Personally I would stay in contact and not tell them you are dating anyone. You don't want to make it seem like you are doing it just to make him jealous, do it for yourself, you gain nothing by telling him. If he finds out or asks you directly, don't lie. It may be the push he needs to become serious enough to chase you.
Won't it seem desperate if i contact him now given he hasn't contacted me? If you read the post before the one you just responded to, I explain the situation in some more detail ( in case you haven't read it). Idk I guess I want to be careful to not seem like im chasing him.
You could message him and just ask to catch up, see how he's doing, etc.
Australia, so I tired what you suggested and he responded but doesn't seem interested in prolonging and extending conversation like he was last time ( he didn't change the subject or ask me any questions or anything) . Should I inquire about it and clarify if he'd rather not just talk at all? Or should I just not say anything and back off.
anjali
Take some time for yourself and give him some. It's hard because it may take him weeks to realise he wants to talk to you and might even be hard for him to reach out, but I would recommend you move on, focus on yourself, date, maybe reach out a month or two down the road, if you still want.
Hello Kevin
I completed the "no contact" step sucessfully, did many new and exciting things but after that, I ended up sounding very desperate before him and he strictly don't wanna get into relationship(bcoz of many breakup n patchups btw us) although he accepted dat he loves me.Finally, I re-collected myself and agreed with his decision of not getting back together and behaved completely normal. Now I have asked him for a short meeting this weekend. Any tip or advice for me..??
Don't talk about getting back together. Just have a good time and be confident.
He is very rigid about not getting back into relationship.. I even tried to recall the good moments by texting him and he reminded me of the reasons for our breakup. :-(
Shall i postponed the meeting for more few days..??
Any tip regarding this..?? I seriously need your help..!! :-(
It sounds like you need a longer no contact period. The whole point of it is to move on from the past and start fresh. Don't stir up old memories, let him remember the good things by himself.
What about the meeting then..?? Shall I Postponed it with any reason..??
Can you get yourself to not mention the relationship and just have a good time? If he brings it up, will you be able to dismiss it and focus on having a good time instead? It sounds like you aren't ready to do these things.
To get your ex back, you need to be over the break up. It can still hurt of course, but you need to be able to look past it and see the future. When my ex dumped me, I didn't. I had a longer NC period and before you knew it, my ex and I were on speaking terms again. She's in a rebound, so it is not ideal and it hurts, but it isn't impacting my life.
Yes I can manage that, ll not discuss about the relationship. But he himself has changed the plan and not even informed me, and when I asked for the final plan he said he ll let me know whether he's free or not in the coming days.. :-(
He's making himself unavailable to you because he doesn't believe you are over him. The only thing that is in his mind are the bad times, not the good. Give him some time and take some yourself. If he comes back with a response, just say that you made other plans because he wasn't available and that maybe you can meet soon. If you move everything around his schedule, then you will just be far too easily available, something he can have without trying, don't make him feel like there's a better half.
Ok..!!
Now the situation is he didn't even inform me about his plan. And when I myself asked him, he said he is coming my city tomorrow. But neither of us poped up any topic regarding the meeting and i ended the conversation (I pretended to be very normal with evrything)
No idea what to do next..!! :-O
I don't think you should ask him to meet you yet. In fact, even if he asks to meet you, tell him you need some space and time and you don't want to meet him right now. I agree with Australia, some more no contact will definitely help your situation.
I don't know what to think any more. My ex started seeing someone at the beginning of November. This was during NC (which I purposefully made very long). I reached out at the beginning of December to create a friendship.
She didn't tell me about her relationship, I deduced it. Her behaviour gave her away immediately. She didn't really want to talk about it. She just said that they were hanging out and it became more serious recently. I did know that they were hanging after our break up and I guess they kind of got together. He's really not her type, different to me in quite a few ways, but not all. I do know that he says he loves her, but I am not sure about her mindset. There's not much facebook interaction, just a little, a lot of shock expressed by mutual friends on the relationship announcement. A heart on a post, very minimal, no express I love you from her to him.
Based on the 'ex want you back' and 'rebound relationship posts', only half ever hits it.
The situation is complicated by the fact that we own property together which I have decided to just sign over so I can get that debt out of my life. I am not sure if it is the wisest decision as I put my savings into it, but the other option is her leaving the property and I feel like that will forever make her a bully in my eyes as she couldn't afford to pay me back for at least four to five years. I have done a lot to improve my life, but I couldn't achieve all my goals (damn waitlisting at school!). I went on dates, but they just didn't click.
I was terrible after the break up, always probing for the real reason, when I finally stopped and thought, I found many flaws with how I acted, how she acted, and what finally lead to the demise. Essentially I was too available and it was making me unattractive to her.
I had some gut wrenching days when I first confirmed the relationship, after all, this girl broke my heart telling me she needed time to herself, to work on herself. She would have no time, between work and school, etc. Hurts when you find out she is dating someone. The only good thing she said to me was that if he had a problem with her always being busy, she would cut that cord.
This is the woman who I want to marry and have children with. The one that tamed me if you will. Before her, all I did was date different women on a monthly basis. I don't want to go back to that and at the same time I cannot find anyone half as interesting and driven as her.
I'm just confused as to what my best course of action is in this situation. I have instigated a friendship, we've only met once since and otherwise discussed mostly the house stuff. I am afraid that she is trying not to meet with me as I have tried to make plans after Christmas (both too busy before), but she keeps saying that her schedule isn't made, but at the same time saying she could take any day. Very much a mixed message that is throwing me off. I am going to wait for it to be closer to Christmas before that drives me insane.
I may have done a bad impulsive thing though. I bought her a small Christmas gift and a card and mailed it to her. I just saw it and thought she would love it. I was originally planning on making something but put it off the table as I thought that would be too creepy and invasive.
Kevin, if you have advice, I would appreciate it a lot. The message boards often leave me hoping for a response that never comes. Thank you for the site, it had a very calming effect. It has helped me accept things I was ignoring, it has even convinced me to see a councillor to further help me improve my life. Focus me with a side goal of ex.
Hey,
I think it'll be a good idea to stay in contact with her and keep focusing on yourself. I don't think you should expect her or ask her to spend Christmas with you. Spending Christmas together is too much pressure for the first date after no contact. It'll be better if you ask her out after New Years.
Hi,
we won't be spending Christmas together, I was hoping to meet up with her during that limbo period right after Christmas, but before the New Year. Mostly because I want to talk to her about what are plans are with the house if she cannot take on the full mortgage.
Maybe it would be better to wait for the New Year. I will play it by ear, see if she makes herself available or not.
Hi Kevin,
I've had a read of all your response and questions posed to you, unfortunately I haven't found anything similar to my situation. I'll try and be as concise as possible without dragging this message out to long.
I was in a relationship for 2 years with my now 'ex' she honestly is the best girl I have ever met, however, towards then end I let my anger get the better of me. She would make silly mistakes and I would just be so very hurtful and awful to her, I'd say some shit that you should never say to someone you love, I've actually done the same thing to my parents and best mate before as well, having a venomous tongue has really hindered me for a while, but I never thought it would get this far.
The last time it happened, it was the last straw and my girlfriend ending things, it has now been 5 days since she ended it. Sorry, I should fill you in prior to that, after my final mistake, she agreed to give me one month to prove myself. The day after things were good we even passionately kissed at her house, the next day we went to lunch, unfortunately she burst into tears just looking at me, it really made me feel like a monster! that night she asked to walk the dogs the next day and we did, things were okay not as they used to be but definitely not appalling. That night she ended things.. saying she just couldn't ever get over the hurt i've caused, i found out that her best friend was over that night who doesn't like me and influences her heavily! so it really pissed me off. Also at night when we were in person ending it, i was at the door and i said if you want us done ill leave, and she just couldnt say it, we went back upstairs and spoke for another 2 hours but she just can't bring herself to get over it and forgive me. It really sucks! the days after i was texting her frantically, essentially doing everything you're not supposed to do. I now haven't spoken to her for 2 days which is good, it's really hard for me not to contact her but I feel it's the only chance I've got of getting her back is getting her to miss me. I told her if she has any doubt to contact me. Which still hasn't happened. In the mean time I have worked a lot on myself, I will never be venomous with my tongue like that again as this has been a major life lesson, so I'm definitely going to improve myself, I've promised her it would never happen again if we got back together.
My question to you is, is there else I can do to improve my chances?
A response would mean a lot mate.
G'day from Australia
Hey Jon,
You can join some sort of support group or start therapy which will show her you are really making an effort to make changes.
Kevin makes a good suggestion. On top of that, start NC immediately.
This is a really good article, I like it. But I wish I had read it a lot sooner because now I feel like I messed up on the "no contact" method.. Although I think this is what I'm going to start doing. I hope it works.
Hey Kevin. I have posted 2 times and you still haven't responded to them.
I really need your advice and I don't know why my comments are not approved yet.
Can you help me?
Hey,
The comments over here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can ask your relationship questions on the message boards.
Kevin,
Given that the 'proof of the pudding is in the eating', did the 5 step plan work for you?
Yeah, actually it did. And it also did for a lot of other people. You can read the testimonials page here.
Hey Kevin, more news, our mutual friend spoke with him today and my ex actually started panicking that we were going to date and started contacting me asking if I liked his friend, and when I reject the friend that I should not hurt him. My ex told his friend he had emotions, that he also hasn't worked through some feelings too. Then when our friend said he liked me my ex said he didn't love me and had no emotions what so ever. Which seems contrary to the panicking and earlier statement about emotions in my opinion, as well as contacting me and keeping all our photos. He inquired about my life and conversation between our friend and I, and explicitly said he was curious. I responded briefly and positively. Needless to say it feels like he's sending out mixed messages, but our friends definitely have peaked his interest and curiosity, if not also jealousy. I summed up our brief exchange with a "By the way, thank you" and left without a real explanation as to why, to keep the curiosity going.
Additionally I found out the rebound is slightly similar to me and hes keeping it a secret especially from his family that disapproves.
Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do? Do you think he still loves me or has feelings? Currently I'm just trying to have as much limited contact as possible while using curiosity and jealousy to my advantage.
Yes, it seems he still has feelings. If your no contact isn't finished till now, I'll recommend you don't contact him anymore. You shouldn't have replied to his messages in the first place if you are in the no contact period. Continue no contact and let him be curious. If he contacts again, tell him you need space and time and you are not ready to discuss your private life with him yet.
The No Contact seems to be getting increasingly different since I see him in our shared course about 2 to 3 times a week and since we have mutual friends. Today he decided to sit next to me after having his mind wrecked by jealousy/worrying due to our mutual friend getting him curious, and so he tried to ask me questions, make small talk, even briefly brushing against me and touching me. Later during the day I went to a mutual friends when they got off work and a few hours later my ex showed up to hang out. Our friend left to pick up groceries and my ex and I were left alone and he tried once again to talk to me. I had to get home so my ex volunteered to drive me home and it was storming so we ended up parking since the roads were getting flooded, in any case for an hour he let out some of his feelings about our past, that he felt I handled things poorly, was dependent, and was overwhelming, which I already knew. I tried my best to be brief, keep him curious, and let him do the talking. Not at any single point did he mention his rebound girlfriend. He mentioned we should go to a Christmas party, and that he was upset that I haven't been inviting him to go out with our friends and that I should. He kept touching my legs or brushing his hand against mine and when he finally dropped me off he gave me a few long hugs. I have the worry still that he just wants to be friends, how can I avoid being friendzoned? And in any case, how do I handle having a class with him and encounters with mutual friends? It seems like hes stopped ignoring me and taken an interest back in my life thanks to good news from friends, do I just cut him off cold right now and move away in class and avoid seeing my friends? Also he told me that of recent he's been spending a majority of his time at home, in class, or asleep, his girlfriend didn't contact him at all in the time I was with him, which makes me wonder where is she in all this? He started dating her a week after we broke up after we dated for over half a year and yet she seems really absent.
Hey Aly,
I will still recommend you do no contact because you haven't done any till now. Just tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. If you don't want to do no contact, you can continue letting him chase you for a while and see where it goes. If you decide to continue being in touch with him, make sure you don't show any signs of neediness and appear confident and happy at all times.
Things were going extremely well. We even Skyped for four hours. But an ex friend of mine told his girlfriend I wanted him back, his girlfriend attacked me over Facebook, went to him, told him to never speak to me again. He said okay, then told her he would never go back to me and was just putting up with me.
I told her if that was true, he wouldn't offer me rides home, choose to Skype me, choose to hang out with me, ask me to invite him to events.
She blocked me after running to him about how she doesn't trust him.
So I guess my friendship with her is over.
What is going on with him?
Hey Aly,
I can't say what's going on with him. He is in a complicated situation. He still has feelings for you and is probably trying to be a good boyfriend to his rebound. I'll be a good idea to stay away from him for a while and let their relationship blow over.
Hey Kevin, i'm trying to get my ex girlfriend back. She is one of the independent ones. I liked her for a year and a half and this August we started to date but broke up October 4th. It's been like 2 months and we had some contact. Saw each other like 3 times and we friends right now but i still like her. i Made a mistake to date another girl like a month after. I was so lost i know i shouldn't have done it but i can't take it back. I'm trying to get her back and i'm going to be meeting her Thursday December 18th, 2014 because i got her a Christmas gift. It's a 5lb chocolate bar and i picture of her and her grandpa who died last year on Christmas eve. I'm looking for any advice that you can give me. OIh and when i was dating this girl i met her for the first time November 2nd and i told her that i can't go along like this. Dating a girl when i still have feeling for you. So any advice thanks!
Hey Nick,
I will not recommend giving her any gifts. Especially something that shows you still want her back. Follow the plan. Do no contact for a few months and then contact her casually.
Hey So i've been getting your emails and they have helped a lot. I had to do the gifts because i already bought them and it went great. Turns out she's getting me a gift so i'm glad i did it. I wasn't in her best guy friend list. Idk if that means im not a guy friend or there is a special place for me. Anyway i don't know what to do now. I gave her the gift we hugged 3 times, we also talked for 35 min in person and thought we were going to kiss at the last hug which was the goodbye one but i just don't know what to do now.
I am glad it went well. I'll suggest you do NC for a couple of weeks or a month and contact her again.
Alright thanks again for all your help so far. Talk to ya in a month.
Hi Kevin,
I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don't know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (
hi Kevin. my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days after our 9th month. last december 9,2014. I was terribly hurt because he slapped it on my face that his LOVE fades out. it very hard to accept his reasons. I cant really accept it. He was my first BOYFRIEND, i am deeply in love with him, its so hard to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. is it really possible ? is it really possible that his love will never be mine again? please help me with this. before i got to read your article, i have done the biggest mistake. I called him (he rejected it) and still i texted him and he was like replying like i'm just a friend. i really want him back, and if having him back means having NO CONTACT with him for 30 days, IM GONNA DO IT. no matter how hard it is. I hope your suggestions will help me. please can you please tell me if is it possible that he will no longer want me back in his life? our break up is so heart breaking, we were in good terms that week. i dont understand why he end up saying he wanted us to end. i was really crying in front of him, were on the street that moment. i cant even talk that moment cause every tim i try to utter words i sob. he explained to me that i was too childish, and because of that he wanted us to end. he hugged me when he's saying those words, he even kissed me that time. he wipe my tears. and that's making it more painful, he's still caring though he slapped those words. for now I want to think that he just wanted some space for him to analyze everything. BUT I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! soo much. yesterday I figured out his faceoook password (for the first time) it was the very first time for me to open his account. i checked his messages to check if his having an affair to someone. but i found nothing. but there is a conversation with his friend that he was kinda tired of my childish actions. he says sometimes i am too sweet. what should i do to make him realize that our relationship is worth fighting for. can you please give me some advice on how to be mature, and what boys really wants. please Kevin i badly need some advice here :( :(
Hey,
First of all, stop checking his Facebook messages. No good can come from that. And yes, you have to do no contact for 30 days. Since it was your first relationship, I'll even recommend more than 30 days. Perhaps 45-60 days. You have a chance but read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.
Hi Kevin. You got me teary eyed with your reply.
Im only 18 years old, yes he was my FIRST that is why i am terribly hurt right now. but i know how reality works, there will be a time where love fades out, but NOW, i can't handle it. the reason why he broke up with me is that, according to him I am childish and some of my expressions are exaggerated. Can you please give me some advice to fix myself and to be a LADY and no longer a girl. yes you were right, i dont simple want him back, I WANT TO KEEP HIM FOREVER. thank you so much, you dont know how much relieved i am hearing THE PERFECT WORDS (from you) to heal my melancholic heart.
Hi Kevin
I purchased relationship rewind thought my ex was indifferent after attempting to create the false friendship so wrote him the magic letter. Weirdly about 15 minutes after I posted the letter, he text me to say we can't catch up because he was worried I would get emotional and to wait until after Christmas.
Of course I replied and said I was fine but if he was comfortable with that, then ok. I believe one of the reasons we broke up was because he has children in another city and I had told him I was going to have Christmas with him and meet them. The relationship with his children's mother is quite stressful on him and he suffers depression. We were together for 18 months, very happy but I noticed a severe decline in his depression after the Christmas decision. His reason for us breaking up was that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore.
Anyways, we stayed quite friendly since the break up 2.5 months ago and have never said a bad word to each other. In fact we never really had any arguments throughout our relationship and never said bad things to each other.
He got my letter about 5 days ago and responded by text. His text said he had recieved it and read it and that was the reason he doesn't want to catch up, because I am still in love with him and want to get back together and it isn't going to happen, but we will catch up after Christmas or once I no longer have feelings for him, if that is ok with me.
I followed the letter to the T.
My question now is if there is still a chance? He seems to still care a lot about me but has other things going on that he needs to sort out. I have since began NC again, and it has been 5 days. Would love to hear your views.
Thanks! K
Hey,
You do have a chance but it seems slim. But I think it's worth trying again. NC will definitely help. Use this time to make positive changes and follow the 5 step plan and use death's door in relationship rewind.
Thanks Kevin. Slim chance is not what I wanted to hear but it is comforting to have an opinion. Thank you. I actually felt quite relaxed, calm and at ease after the text he sent about the letter, and still do so I guess that is a good thing.
I will use deaths door. Thank you
I also should add that I'm 31, just purchased a brand new home on my own which he encouraged me to do while we were still together as I really wanted to. I am also almost finished a degree to become a lawyer while working full time which he was really supported me through when I had assessments and exams due by coming around and making me dinner and keeping his distance when he knew I had to study as I am great at procrastinating. So all in all I think he does care about me, and respects me but that maybe he feels he will be holding me back from my big dreams.
That's great Kellie. I think being successful and having a great life without him will definitely increase your chances.
thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
So .. my questions are ..
for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
If he calls me what should I say?
should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?
I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
thanx again Kevin
so my ex and I we were talking tonight .. so it was an honest conversation .. he told me that he feels I’m pressuring him .. and sometimes he wishes that he had never unblocked me .. and I’m one of the most important people in his life .. but I’ll never be NO.1 again.. so one thing led to another .. I asked him of he will never think of us getting back again .. and he prefers dieing over getting back to our relationship ..
I was really surprised .. so I asked for further details .. he got mad .. and told me he’s going to sleep and that we’ll never be anything more than friends and if I ever brought this topic up he’ll block me again ..
I’m afraid that he’ll block me again now ..
I think my case is hopeless now .. and it’s time to move on .. :(
Hey Mema,
At this point, I will recommend you to move on. Cut all contact from him. Even if he tries to contact you, do not respond. Unfollow him from all social media and don't keep any tabs on him through friends.
Even if you have a chance with him, this is the only course of action that will actually work. Otherwise, he will keep stringing you along and playing with your emotions.
Thanks Kevin .. today he talked to me .. we had good time .. he said he doesn't want to get back together .. because he hated our relationship last year.. and he thinks we'll never work .. but he has feelings for me ..
could it be that he had his defence up yesterday? or I'm really indefrent to him?
any way .. I told him I need time to myself .. and it may take a day or two .. but I'm planning to cut him off till Christmas .. and if he calls me I won't reply .. what do you think?
Kevin do you think that I have a chance ? ..
I really want him back :(
Good plan. He does have feelings for you and is not indifferent. But you are giving him too much power and he will keep stringing you along for a long time if you let him.
I'm afraid that I lost him .. I really want him back ASAP .. I can't take it .. being in a situation like .. I feel like he's keeping me on his hook ..
I want to be able to talk to him and win him back too .. :(
it looks like false friendship is not working .. or I was doing it wrong ..
yesterday he admitted that no friends calls each other when they wake up or give each other a good night kiss -_- ..
but he's not willing to get back at me ..
it seems like he hasn't recovered from my break up with him .. he said that will never forget what happened the last year ..
should I do NC .. I will miss him alot .. and it'll hurt .. but I can keep myself busy ..also I'm really afraid :( .. or should I continue the False Friendship but reduce my contact with him to minimum? .. like once every couple of days?
I want him to forget what happened the last year and focus on our first 2 years .. I'm hopeless and feeling really Down :(
Hey Mema,
You might still have a chance. But you will have to follow what I said in my last comment.
Hi Kevin,
My ex sent me a very generic private message wishing me a happy birthday and asking how everything was going, we've been NC for 3 weeks should I reply? In what way?
Thank you for the help!
I responded saying everything was good and asked about him
Is that ok? I don't think he will reply and I'm ok with that I just hope its not too much of a deal that I added the what about you part. The message was very short and positive.
I'm planing to do one more month of NC and see if I want to try to contact him like you said in a way that is not needy.
What do you think, is it bad sign if he doesn't answer? Is it good that he reached out to me?
He is going to travel to another country for business for a few days.
Thank you for the support again I wouldn't have make it without your advises !!
Helen x
It's not necessarily a bad sign if he doesn't respond. There could be many reasons for that. Don't worry about it. Yes, follow no contact before contacting him again. Good luck!
Thank you Kevin, I will do my best and we'll see what happens in a month, but in the meantime I'll make sure I keep following your plan 200%. I feel like I'm halfway, sometimes I feel kind of over him, confident like I should and everything feels great again! Some days are harder. I guess its just a matter of time and how the process goes.
But do you think that its still good that he reached out? I know we were together for a long time, but it doesn't mean he was obliged to send me that message, especially if he didn't care anymore. And could it be that he is scared that we'll start talking again and that will mean not being consistent with his decision?
Many thanks Kevin x !
Do you think there is still a chance ? I don't know what to think about the all situation I know I shouldn't care, but what do you think about it given my previous posts ?
:(
Thanks Kevin for helping us all !!!
Ex wishing you happy birthday is not necessarily a good sign. It might just be a courtesy text. You still have a chance though. But you should also understand there is a chance it might not work and be mentally prepared for it.
Hello Kevin and Merry Christmas!
It's been 2 weeks since the bday wishes from my ex, and as I thought he didn't respond (my reply was ending with a "what about you" because he asked me how I was doing). I'm really tempted to send him something but I guess I should wait few more weeks?
I have no idea what is happening in his life and I don't know what to think. I saw him last via webcam about a month ago and IRL about 3 months ago, BU was 4 months ago... It is such a long time! :/
I 'm sad that he didn't reply, and I feel that he has just forgotten all about me already. I mean why didn't he even reply a generic "I'm okay"?!
I have no idea what to do, the more time goes the less I see how I would still matter to him when I contact him..
Thank you for your reply x !
Hi, I posted a question here and I don't know where it went. Where's the best place to put it?
Hey,
The best place to post it will be the message boards. Comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them.
Hi Kevin,
I'm a 38 year old man and my ex girlfriend of two and a half years decided she wanted out of the relationship. She is thirty one years old. Over the last year we had a number of clashes over trivial things and recently it was her birthday and a few days before that we had a clash and didn't speak resulting in me missing her birthday because I didn't think she wanted to hear from me. Of course that didn't come down well. We made up after and I thought things were cool however a few days later she broke up with me. I was seriously upset.
We have since met up on a few occasions and had a good time resulting in her asking me out to attend a function with her, then she went cold when she didn't know if she'd be able to bring me? Even though originally she said that if she couldn't we could do something else.
Since we haven't spoken for over a week now.
I'm at a lost as to what to do. If you can help that would be great.
Cheers, Marcus
Follow the plan Marcus.
Kevin, thank you for acknowledging my message. I have read about your NC rule and have started on the road to recovery. Officially this is day 4 without sending anything to her.
I didn't mention earlier that on two different occasions my ex said to me that she is confused but would not elaborate further then she said that she was scared, again without explaining. So I told her that we could talk about it if and when your ready.
Also the day after we last spoke when she said that she might not be able to take me with her to the function, she had an assessment at her work which was going to be signed off if she had been successful which I know she will have been. I didn't make any contact to see how she had gotten on because I guess after the previous days conversation I was extremely disappointed in what she said to me as it felt like I was an option for her and not a priority.
I had also sent her a message on Saturday just gone to say that I thought she would have just called or messages me to tell me if she was going or not. Her reply was "I'm not going anyway". If felt like she was annoyed in how she responded.
The following morning I sent her a text message telling her that I just saw something which reminded me of her which is something I had done about 2 weeks ago and went down well. This time around I didn't get a reply!
Any additional advice would be massive Kevin and I'm sorry to bother you with my problems.
Cheers,
Marcus
Hey Marcus,
Just continue no contact and use this time to become a happier and confident person.
Yes Kevin,
Thank you for the continued advice. I will definitely do that!!!
Do you think I still have a chance of getting her back?
When she initially broke the news to me that she wanted out she said that she never changes her mind, yet then her actions and comments at times suggest that she's not fully convinced she's done the right thing.
Hey Marcus,
Yes, you do have a chance. A lot of people say that but change their minds later.
Hi Kevin,
I mentioned this previously but I don't think you saw it.
I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (
Hope all is good with you though man!
Hey Marcus,
Don't take it hard. There could be many reasons for her to do so. Since you were not texting her constantly, the reason she did it was probably for her peace of mind or to get a reaction out of you. Don't overthink it and continue with the plan.
Kevin thank you so much for always helping!
I decided to write her a hand written letter and posted it this morning.
I was reading Relationship Rewind and decided to chance it having thought long and hard about it. I actual used most of the example that is in the book as it was fairly accurate to what I've been going through.
I definitely feel as though she is indifferent towards me and I am at deaths door.
I don't feel like I have made a mistake. She has over the last 2-3 weeks
You stopped all communication with me. Stopped responding to my messages and I don't know why? She has told me that she misses me, loves me, that she is confused, scared without explaining either, to I'm her best friend. Invited me out with her to spend time together then for it not to happen, shown me affection and all of a sudden she's gone cold with me resulting in what I know now is that she blocked me.
Then two days ago she called me at night but I missed her call so I called her back 15 minutes later but she didn't get back to me. So I hung back yesterday thinking she would call but she never did so I thought I should send the letter.
I hope now after what you said to me Kevin I haven't messed up?
Thanks,
Marcus
Hey Marcus,
That letter in relationship rewind is more suitable if you are in the Drift stage and not Death's door. If she doesn't respond to that, I'll recommend you continue no contact for another month.
Hey Kevin,
Damn seems like I may have messed up there then. We are not at the drift stage as she ended it a few weeks back now. She is so stubborn and probably won’t get in contact once she has read the letter. She's been acting so erratic but now hasn't replied to anything after appearing happy with me/us. So it’s looking like another month of no contact then?
Should I wish her a Merry Christmas or not?
Thank you for your continued support
Marcus
It wouldn’t hurt. But I think it’s better if you don’t.
I was hoping the letter would generate some kind of positive response from her as I have had nothing and I really don't know why she is being so horrible to me Kevin?
Hi Kevin,
Okay I won't send a Christmas greeting.
She received the letter that I sent and phoned to tell me on Thursday. She asked me if I was busy which at the time I was, so she said that she just called to tell me she had received the letter (initially sounding cheerful). I said I would call her back in a bit, which she said was fine. Half an hour later I called but she didn't pick up. The four hours later I called again and she didn't pick up again, however she called back half an hour later. I said that I called you back unsuccessfully is decided to call again and her response was very flippant "well we're speaking now". Her tone during the short conversation seemed different to earlier. I'm assuming that maybe now she had read the letter. I didn't feel comfortable with how she was sounding and didn't let her know anything personal about was I had a busy day. I just wished her a goodnight and said goodbye.
She didn't mention anything in the letter, not even the fact that I know she has blocked me on the messaging service or any of the other content.
So since, I haven't spoken to her as I feel she is just playing mind games with me which I don't wish to play. She even in a previous call the day before tried to engage me with a sarcastic comment which I ignored. It's very disappointing but I do feel peace within my heart that I am not the problem and that her ending our relationship won't fix what she is going through. It just means that I'm not there to constantly be thee for her not down to my own doing though.
Kevin, what do you think my next move should be?
Thanks for your continued help!!!
Still do no contact for a month or two and try contacting her again.
Hi Kevin,
I will continue with NC as you suggest. I guess I haven't got anything else to lose. The last couple of times that we did spoke she doesn't show me any respect in how she converses with me, which is disappointing. Even when speaking and I said I will send her a message to see if she receives it as she said she hasn't blocked me, she doesn't reply once it has been delivered.
She is just playing games with me I feel.
I just read your email and your right about logic. When emotions are involved logic has very little impact. I'm just being myself even when she is being rude...I don't recognise the person she has become with me.
If I don't hear back from you, have a great Christmas Kevin and thank you for your help. It's nice to know someone is out there who can sympathise with you.
Marcus
You have a great Christmas too Marcus. Good luck!!
Hi Kevin,
Happy New Year to you and yours.
To up date, I had started the NC as suggested yet my ex contacted me and we had a pleasant chat on the phone for quite a while, even arranging to meet up to hang out. Which was going fine until we ended up talking about her misleading signals and then she started being very horrible and left only to then call me later on to apologise for what she said. We then spoke again for a while and I said that I will become a ghost to you and you will never hear from me again and she said did I say I wanted you to do that.
I then suggested that she keeps on having a go no matter what I say.
But it's like everything made sense to me in that she has some serious problems. I realised that she holds on to trivial things and likes to try to control me by bringing them up but I pointed out to her that I never pushed you away, and it doesn't matter how much you try to put me down, it will never work as I'm too strong for that and I said I'm a damn good catch and I deserve better.
I would love to type up everything that was said but it's so pathetic!
I also went on to say that I'm not going to knock on her door any more. Why knock on someone's door who does not open. I'll knock on someones door who will open it instead.
We last spoke over a week ago and I'm fine with that.
I am not attracted to her alter ego any more and I am embracing the fact that there are plenty more beautiful women out there who will appreciate a good man.
Marcus
That's great Marcus. It's refreshing to see this change in you. I am glad to hear that you are no longer obsessed over getting her back and are able to see her what she really is. Good luck.
Hi Kevin,
So I took your advise and asked her out over the text messaging few days ago. She texted back and said "possibly :)". I took it as a positive sign and asked her this weekend schedule. And I suggested this saturday night. Then she told me that she didn't realize she was agreeing to weekend nighttime event. So we ended up talking on the phone, and she started questions the reason of the "gathering"....etc. Also she said if there is no time limitation (weekend night), we might make a "mistake" (we have a history of doing this several months ago). She told me that she doesn't intend to get back together (mixed signals), and I told her the reason for the meeting is just to catch up. However, she suggested to come to my house last night and wanted to walk my dog together.... I'm not sure how to handle the situation right now. Should I take her "I dont intend to get back together" comment seriously, and cut all the ties before I get burned too much?
Go on the walk with her. Have a good time. Even if she doesn't want to get back together, she is giving you an opportunity to change her mind. Just don't try to convince her to get back together. Keep hanging out with her and having fun with her for a while. She will probably change her mind eventually. If she doesn't show any signs in the 3-4 dates (or more depending on how long you want to wait for her), then you should bring up getting back together. If she still says no, then you should cut contact with her and move on.
Hi There Kevin
I have purchased the Ryan Rivers relationship rewind book and I am close to finnishing it.
I have also been reading your emails and they have been very helpfull and interesting. Even they have both been great reads and quite interesting and helpfull in parts, I have knid of lost my optimisim I had before I read it.
I know the stage I am at is Deaths door and the thing is, I feel I wont be able to get her back now because of a couple of tips and reasons you have given me and what I have read in the book advising me to steer clear of, which I have ALREADY done before I discovered relationshiprewind.
I chased and chased her going down the "Do anything to get her back route" for about a month after I found some txts on her phone from a guy she met at a hotel on business, who she works with and now really likes, but I dont think he likes her as much.
She left our flat to stay at her mums and I bombarded her with phone calls, txts, emails etc to ask what had happened and plead with her that things will be better between us and I know it just made me push her away further.
My head was a mess and I lost all control of my emotions, even when I saw her, when she had to come back to the flat. I just kept on losing it.
To be honest its my first long term relationship at 3 and half years and I put a lot of it down to in-experience. Reading back over the guides, I should have moved out myself calmly when I read the txts and we would have been at one of the earlier stages and it would have been easier to turn things around.
Anyway, I now havent spoken to her for 4 days. The last time I spoke to her she pretty much said she hated me and to leave her alone.......I know I love her and untill probably the last 6 months, she really did love me. And I know she IS the one.......I dont know what to do and I am really struggling.
Any help, tips and advice for this situation would be very much appreciated.
Many Thanks
Tom
Tommy, follow the plan. You still have a chance.
Hi Kevin,
I have been posting numerous times and it says "awaiting moderation".
Hey,
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin
My ex and I dated for six years and were engaged. Things started happening we were getting too comfortable and small little things started us on a downward spiral for the last six months and she pulled the trigger . I was devastated at first for a few weeks and then slowly started coming out of the grief . We had very little contact for the first month only some housekeeping texts about shared bills and other things . It's been two months and I knly made one mistake in the deadly mistakes and was blocked for it . Almost two weeks later I had the urge to send out a text and to my surprise it was read ! I was no longer blocked! I didn't do anything hasty I left it at that but my plan is just to send a subtle good morning text every morning and nothing more . What do you think? I have seen other women and notice that so many things I got angry about with my ex were things that almost every one of these new women had as well . It all seems so insignificant now because I know I took things for granted . I would love to hear your thoughts on my story Kevin . And thanks
I won't recommend the good morning texts. Follow the plan. You have a good chance.
I'm just unsure of my next move. I have an entire life now that is seperate hanging out with friends and hobbies. I don't know what my next move is?
Do one month of no contact. Then send her a text.
How about a merry christmas text . Christmas will have been a month since deadly mistake and a little over two weeks for the texts. Also what do I do when I inevitably see her downtown when I go out?
Appreciate the replies Kevin!
I wouldn't recommend Christmas text. Only send it if you think it'll be extremely rude of you not to wish her Merry Christmas. If you see her, keep the conversation short and treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
Hi Kevin,
I purchased your book regarding how to get your ex back in July after my ex and I took a break. He officially broke up with me in September, and the breakup ended really badly. I was in tears and said a lot of things I didn't mean like I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. He said the main reason was because he wanted to focus on his career, even though he really does love me and always will. The truth is I really do want him back. Since that time I haven't reached out to him at all, and unfollowed a lot of his social media. I know he has been out dating, which hurts like hell.. but I don't know what to do. Can you help? I am afraid if I continue to not contact him, he never will contact me and I might lose him forever. I just don't know what to say if I do. I've been so angry seeing all of the girls he's been messing around with and out partying with. It hurts so much. Any advice?
Hey Alex,
I'll recommend you continue no contact until you have healed and you are feeling more confident and secure. After that, you can contact him and follow the plan.
Thank you Kevin. I just worry if I don't reach out he will move on to date someone else and I will lose him forever. Unfortunately with his career he has women chasing him like none other. I guess I may be insecure but I just really do love him and miss my best friend.
Even if he dates someone, it doesn't necessarily mean he will move on. Even if he starts a relationship with someone, it'll probably a rebound. You need to calm down and stop worrying about it. The alternative is to keep pestering him which will make you look desperate and unattractive.
met up with my ex, it was nice and i bought up loads of "bliss" moments, at the end we had a mature chat and we both still have feelings for eachother, but she said she still has a few negative feelings about what happened after the break up and needs time because its the first time shes been single for a long time. She got out of her rebound nearly a month ago, im afraid to wait longer because she has so many guy friends who try to get with her. I think shes trying to put me in the friendzone as well. Whats my next step? Soon should i ask her to hang out again?
Give her time. The fear of losing her might work against you. You still have the upper hand. No other guy has a history with her like you do and she already agreed she has feelings for you. I'll recommend you take the time and start exploring your options as well.
Kevin,
I have been trying NC for a couple of days and feel disappointed that my husband didn't call me. The urge to call him is there. Should I not focus on whether he calls me or not.
During this period, i will try my best to remove myself from his life and get rid of the neediness.
After the NC, what's then? My counselor said if he calls me, i should sound sad and tell him i am trying my best to move on as he is preparing to leave me. He said i need to tell him what i think but not asking him to do anything. is this approach right?
Hey Calista,
You shouldn't concentrate on him calling you. It's better that he doesn't call you. It'll give you the time and space to concentrate on yourself. You don't have to sound sad when he calls, but yes you shouldn't ask him to do anything. And you can tell him of all the positive changes you have been making. Remember, if he calls during NC, it's better you don't answer or just tell him you need some time and space right now and you can't talk to him.
Thanks for your clear reply. It soothes me a lot to hear that it is better for him not to call me. I thought that the more he calls me, the more he is interested in me.
Hello , I was just wondering how I could go through the no contact stage while having kids in the middle .
Yes, I write about it in this article.
Hello Kevin...
I would like to ask while going through the no contact period. If our patner contacts us. Here in my case my gf. Then like you said we should avoid replying.
But if she tends to text me and start blaming me for her terribly state right then or starts giviI g me warnings that she will never talk to me again if i don't reply or talk to here then.. or any such relater thing. May it be asking for help or anything.
Then how should i deal with this situation.
What would you advise or rather suggest.
Counting on your feedback.
Regards
Sarvesh
If it's a threat, blame or anything negative; ignore it. If she is texting you (something neutral or positive), then you can tell her that you need some space and time right now and you will appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
His rebound has been telling people their relationship is complicated due to me and then his family and she has started ignoring me too.
He had his best friend tell me yesterday I'm no longer allowed to be around him or go to their house to hang out with our mutual friends. What does this all mean?
How can NC help him miss me while his in another relationship?
He ended up messaging me saying Didn't I say we were broken up, to be clear? And continued to tell me to just accept it and leave it be and that we are never getting back together and he was just trying to spare my feelings earlier. He wasn't talking like himself and would refuse to answer any questions, when I told him I have made great changes and things were good he said "Good for you but that won't change anything." I'm also sure his girlfriend is controlling what he says or does. He keeps checking my profiles still. I kept telling him I accepted the break up and agree with the break up but it seemed to do no good. What can I do?
He probably can sense that you have not accepted the breakup and are still trying to find a way to get him back. I'll recommend that you do no contact for at least 2 months. Stop worrying about his new relationship. There's nothing you can do about it. It's a rebound and it'll probably end. The only thing you can do right now is concentrate on making yourself happy without him.
Thank you Kevin,
His new girlfriend is trying to be close friends with me because I took advice to be friendly to both of them. Should I be close friends with her and is there any way I could work that to my advantage?
No, I don't see any advantage in that.
Update, he keeps telling his friends his girlfriend is a "quick recovery" and that she wasn't dating and just "agreed" to date, since she's very illegal and his friends know shes a rebound most of them are definitely discouraging it. Some of my friends keep texting him to get back with me. Is all this discouragement of her/encouragement for me going to push him away?
It might. He feel like everyone is pressuring him to do something. It should be his idea to get back together. If you can do anything about your friends texting him, then you should tell them to stop it.
It feels like many immediately around him currently are pressuring him against going back to me (mainly his new girlfriends friends). I found out he only waited a week until dating her and he keeps telling people for our entire relationship he was drunk. Today I ran into him and he hugged me and exchanged positive-neutral exchanges, basically how are you's and the conversation lasted less than five minutes. Was this breaking NC?
No, it wasn't.
I'm sure he's taking an interest in my life due to friends saying I've changed for the better so hes been trying to contact me saying hes heard stories about my family and recent events in my life. Do I respond to this with positive reinforcement (Yeah everything is going great I'm doing well) or ignore him?
I heard from his friends that recently he has been smoking a lot and it could be tied with him also rebounding, trying to find distractions and crutches.
He however did lie to his new girlfriends sister saying he was drunk the entire time he was with me, a lie, but I don't know how to deal with this.
More news, our mutual saw him this weekend and said very good things, and my ex ended up messaging me about my personal life and seemed interested and intrigued, he brought me up out of curiosity to his friends and when he heard I had been going on casual dates he got jealous. He reached out to me and I kept space, my greatest fear is that its only to be friends since he said he wants to be friends to his buddies. Tonight I went on his file sharing account to find a background for my desktop that I saved to his computer before and I found out he saved all our pictures to it. He's never kept photos of his exes before but hes keeping ours so I don't know if this means something or not but it was interesting nonetheless.
hey Kevin ..
things are getting more and more complicated .. he said to me that he loves me .. many times .. I was joking at first by acting like an angry child and I said "I don't want to talk to you any more .. I hate you" .. so he said "but I love you" .. I was surprised .. and I didn't respond to this .. so .. he did it many times.. one time it was out of blue .. he told me that he loves me .. I don't think he meant it as "he's in love with me" yet .. because many times when we argue about something he reminds me that we are only friends and I have no right to argue with him about that ..
so .. people in the forum think that I'm being needy again :( .. so idk what to do or how to get rid of this .. I really could use some advice ..and that I've centered my life around him "they may have a point " but I can't help myself when I miss him :( ..
I'm doing now a short NC .. his friend from different city is staying at his place now .. and we both don't want him to find out about us .. so I told him that I'll wait for his calls .. so for the past 2 days .. he did call me and text me .. but yesterday I was sick and I got really bored from staying at bed .. so I called him and told him that .. the connections at his town suck .. so he could not hear me .. and we hang up ..
anyway .. I'm not planning to talk to him till Sunday .. but I'm really worried about being needy or fall in the same mistakes I did before "he told me that I have not changed at all twice when we were arguing and this is scaring me"
what do you think?
I really don't know what to do or how I'm being needy! can you help me?
Mema,
As long as you are thinking of him as the only person you want to spend your life with, you will be needy. The best way to get rid of that neediness will be to do no contact and perhaps start going on dates. Read the Step 4 of the article again.
thanx alot Kevin .. I'll start NC again on Saturday "today he already called me and texted me" .. I'll tell him that I need time for me .. or I'm busy with work.. but I know that he'll contact me ..actually he's being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn't want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn't want to .. he also said I'm important in his life as much as his best friends "he can't live without us" .. so I said I don't like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you're silly .. there's no one like me in my life ..
So .. my questions are ..
for how long should I do NC in this case? "one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here "
If he calls me what should I say?
should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?
I don't want to be rude after what has been going on ..
he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
I'm really worried that he'll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it's been 2 months since the break up now ..
I know I'm asking too much .. but I don't want to do anything wrong at this point ..
thanx again Kevin
Hi Kevin
I wrote to you yesterday and an alert said that it was awaiting moderation.
I’m posting again as I am desperate for your advice. Please help!
My boyfriend (whom I still love) broke up with me last Sat, then asked me to have dinner with him the next day. I went and it was painful as he was adamant about splitting. Before he left we hugged for a long time and he said I still matter to him. He has been texting me everyday to ask how I am but last night he came over to get his things, and to return my things from him house (very final). We talked for about two hours (everything he said between the lines indicated this is IT for him), I kept it light and remained cool and positive even though I was breaking inside. Again, a long hug at the end. I’m now going to start NC after reading your advice, but I have 2 questions please:
1. I’m due to have a surgical procedure done on Dec 15 which he’d agreed to take me to before the split (I’ll be heavily sedated). Will that be breaking NC?
2. His birthday (Dec 24) and Christmas are coming up and I have already bought presents for him. Should I still give them to him – will it make me appear needy and desperate?
I would really appreciate your advice. Thanks so much.
Hey,
1. It's better if you find someone else to help you through the surgery and let him know that you no longer need him. If you can't find someone else, then it's OK to call him.
2. I will recommend against giving him presents
Hi kevin.
After 27 days of no contact i called my wife and told her that i wanted to talk to her. We talked and i act very desperate because i wanted to have the same relation that we had for 5 years. She told me that she needs time. We went out for two days and had sex. She was acting very insignificant with me. The third day she told me that she was going out with another person. My mind start to panic and i got mad and left her at her house. What can i do now...please help
Start over again and this time don't be desperate. There's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4 that you should see before ending no contact.
I would just like to know if there is anybody out there that can say that this method has worked or not? I've read it and it sounds like it's good advice but I don't know if it will work?
Hey Alex,
You can read the testimonials page here. You can also find a few success stories if you go through the comments.
I've tried posting for your advice a couple times and neither of them are on here. In desperate need of help.
Hey Lindsay,
Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don't approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.
I've tried that too and my messages still don't get approved
If you could help me because I didn't get any response from the community that would be greatly appreciated.
About 2 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because we were in fact having problems and fighting over the most stupid things. When he broke up with me he said he wants something to happen again eventually but wants us to grow individually first and find our happiness without each other because we were together for 9 months and in the end we weren’t very happy and fighting a lot. So he suggested we be friends and I tried numerous times but I would mess up and push the relationship on him again. I messed up recently last week and I told him if he doesn’t want anything to happen tell me and he said he did but he’s not ready right now because he doesn’t want our relationship to go right back to fighting if we get back together. He said he’s waiting for me to find my happiness and that he isn’t looking for anyone else. But he said if I cant handle it then I should let him go but I told him I didn’t want to do that and then he said then just be my friend and move on. I said I’m not ready to move on and he said then just be his friend and I told him I’d talk to him when I get myself together. Is it to late to follow how to get your ex back? Is it to late for him to miss me? What should I do? Please help
It's not too late Lindsay. Follow the plan. It should work for you if you learn to be happy without him.
how do i go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex ? contradiction
It means go on dates with people other than your ex.
What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
this happens to me after no contact rules my gf get married in three months time to her is no choice but to move on with other guy.even if she said she always going to love me forever..stupid girl i love her but wtf kind of thinking she had.
Hey,
Your case was certainly an exception. To be honest, I think you are better off without her.
Hi kevin...
I post something this morning and i didn't see it. Please give me your advice. Thank you
It's here.
Hi kevin. I'm almost at the end of the no contact (day 27). She have been calling me restricted everyday and i didn't answer any of her call because i know that is her. Two days ago she called me restricted at 5 am and i answer and said hello three times. Did i brake the no contact rule? Since that day she haven't call me anymore with restricted or anything. Should i send her the text message of the positive moment already or is that some trick she has? What should i do? Thank u for ur help kevin!
I don't think you broke NC. You should contact her when NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Hi Kevin,
2 weeks nc here, and haven't seen my ex in person for 2 months (last time we spoke was through Skype).
I try not to think about him and I do keep busy and make positive changes, but it's weird not having any of his news, he isn't much active anymore on Facebook (which is probably for the best). I know he as a new interest which might be a rebound and I feel like distance is pushing us appart for good and that he has forgotten about me :/. We were together for 4 years
And I just noticed that he deleted some of our pictures on Facebook even if they weren't that many... Does it mean there is no hope and that he has definitely moved on?
:( thanks
Sorry, he changed his settings so that I can't see the pictures he is tagged in.. I'm so desperate why is he doing that suddenly
You shouldn't obsess over these small things. It doesn't mean he is moving on. It doesn't really mean anything. Obsessing over it is not going to help you in any way.
I know.. Thank you Kevin. I have stopped focusing on how long it has been since our last contact and I'm truly learning to be happy without him :) I didn't think I could make it, but positive changes even it they are hard in the beginning to make, are saving me!!
Sometimes I'm unsure as if I want him back and sometimes I still obsess over it but its less and less intense. I think when my mind will be completely clear I will know.
Thanks you so much for your help, I'm planing on waiting till I'm fully recovered (at least one more month of NC) and see if I want to contact him even if I feel that it should come from him after all? I don't want to be the one engaging contact, wouldn't it feel like being needy?
Thanks again :)
It won't be needy if the way you communicate with him isn't needy.
You were such an inspiration to me. Reading through this made me go alot deeper into the way I feel about things. Im definitely going to try this out and see how it works. Keep doing what you do your AMAZING at it!!! Thanks a ton Kevin!!
XOXO
Andy
First, I’m sorry for this long post. But ex gf of 3years broke up with me about 7months ago. We tried to get back together after 2months of the break-up, but she couldn't do it. And honestly, I don’t think I was ready for that myself either. And we tried to move on and didn't talk for several months except few occasions. But few weeks ago, I stopped by her house to drop off some stuff. At the time, she was shocked to see me and told me she's seeing someone. I somehow ended up telling her I've been thinking about her all this time which I wasn't planning at all, and we ended up with making out little bit. Then she pushed me away and told me this is not right. So I went home.
Few days later, she texted me to ask if I’m okay and if I still wanted to meet up and talk. Also she told me that she's not seeing that guy any more. We haven't met up since that night, but we've been casual chatting over text for few weeks. And coupld of nights ago, she started to drunk texting saying she's an a-hole and really selfish by texting me and by telling me that she's druink so it's okay to text me and she'll blame her next morning. And asking me to send selfies and what I was doing that day and stuff. I just basically told her to take care of herself and please go home safely which she did.
Yesterday morning she appologized for what happened a night before and we just casually chatted throughout the day. And today I found myself thinking about her a lot. I care about her so much and if there is any chance, I would try to get back with her. But what I'm afraid of is that I'll reapeat the same thing and I'll be a hot mess again. I just wasn’t sure what that drunk text means. And If I should even consider to try to get back together at this point.
Thanks for your help!
Hey,
I'll suggest you ask her out but don't talk about getting back together straight away. Do it after at least 3-4 dates. Things should work out.
hey Kevin .. it's been a while since I've posted here ..
so you recommend that I should do a second round of NC ..
and I started doing it ..
but my ex is now showing me that he's interested in me ..
he started going to the gym " I was telling him to do this a long time ago" and sending me pictures of him while working .. he's calling me before going to sleep .. and gives me a good night kiss .. he sings songs for me and send them on whatsapp "some of our favourite songs when we were together" .... he even changed his profile picture on whatsapp and he put a picture I love .. and he updatee he's status .. at first he wrote : " this is the impossible love" .. a song in arabic about being in a relationship that you know it'll end soon and you can't do anything to stop it .. and that you should lose hope because your love is impossible .. so I said I didn't loke it .. so he changed it to " you're my moon .. and I'm only human .. even though the moon is far away .. but I'm in love with it " .. and he never asked me to have sex talks anymore. . so .. I replied to him .. I thought it would be rude if I don't .. right?
even sometimes I started the conversation .. we had an argument 3 days ago .. he listened to me .. and calmed down " it was afer 6 hours of arguing and for sometimes he didn't reply to me at all!!" .. but at last he did listen .. he never used to do this ..
so now I'm confused .. after admitting to me that he still has feelings for me .. and after being nice to me .. should I continue the NC .. I know it wasn't a strict NC but Idk .. I feel safe to talk to him.. he hasn't called me today .. or even yesterday at night " no mobile connections at his city " .. but he did apologises to me about that by sending an IM this morning .. when I woke up I sent him to call me .. he got the message but he didn't call! ..
so what do you think Kevin?
should I do a strict NC ?
and should it really be for a whole month?
I'm confused!
Hey Mema,
I still think you can benefit from a strict no contact. However, it's not an absolute necessity right now. If he tries to treat you as a doormat again, then you should definitely do it. Until then, keep yourself scarce. Let him initiate contact most of the time. And try keeping yourself busy and keep making positive changes in your life.
Your message board won't let me in Kevin. It won't accept my username or password. Now what?
Hey,
Are you already registered? If so, please use the forgot my password link below the login button. If you can't registered, use a different email, username and password.
Will the "healing bad memories" and more importantly, "missing you badly" phases still happen if she is in a reabound? We broke up just over a month ago, and I've been following the guidelines recently. 2 days before she made it official with this new guy she contacted me, sending photos of us, and later bringing up the past. She also told me she was fighting coming back due to the hurt. I played it cool when she made the relationship official and didn't give my opinion or talk down on him or her.
Not sure what to do at this point and wondering if those phases will still happen?
Yes, it still happens. Although it happens slower because she doesn't have time to process her emotions.
I found this site a month ago and I was desperate I had done everything wrong I BEGGED I cried etc.. But I honestly did what your site said word for word and it works .. I focused on me went to the gym got new cloths changed me hair and I feel great my ex was texting me like crazy he tried everything to get my attention .. I took him back and he's the one now WORKING to be with me. . I just wanted to share and thank you !
Your comment has given me hope.xx
I feel like I'm at a dead end. My ex split up with her rebound 2 weeks ago and it's been 2 months since we split up, we've had a few nice conversations but every time I ask to meet up as friends she doesn't reply. I don't know how I can get her back without meeting up and I don't know how to start a new conversation with out looking desperate. Part of me thinks I should just straight up ask her if I have a chance at getting her back. What do you think Kevin?
Or to just ask her if we can have a calm and mature talk about "us"?
hey i think girls and ex's in general hate the talking about us - i know where you're at man, i don't know if there is a solution here maybe just cut off communication and get her to chase you by being focussed on your path
surprisingly it kind of worked, she said she will be willing to have a mature talk about things, but we need to do it as friends, its a start!
Hi Kevin,
A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up. It mutual. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything which included telling him I wanted to give things a go again. He said we were better off just being friends but I don't want to give up just yet. I would love to know if I can still get him back because i plan on starting the nc rule today.
Thanks
Yes, you can get him back. Follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
I just read your email about the breakup line "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore", and it left me very perplex.
I believed the breakup happened between my ex and I because of this:
-They are at a point in life where a lot of emotions
and other factors and making them confused about what
they want. Leading them to believe that the relationship
is not for them and they are not in love. Because they think
that if they were in love, they would have been sure about
continuing the relationship.
I'm wondering if the plan can still work in that case and how? Even if its not a exact science I'm wondering what you think about this,
Thank you for your help again!!
Helen x
Yes, it can still work. No contact helps them realize what they want in your life. And it helps you become a better version of yourself to give them more incentive to come back.
Dear Kevin,
its been almost 2 months NCP after the big break up and blocking from all the social media (facebook ,whatsapp, ext..)
could you please advise me what is the next step
- should I go and meet her ?
- a written message?
-keep in NCP?
THANK YOU OUR ANGEL IN ADVANCE :)
Adam
Hey,
If it has been 2 months since you last tried to contact her, send her an email or text. Use the format for hand written letter mentioned in the article.
Hey,
I text her normal text such like hey i was in the same hotel bla bla lol,
she blocked me after she read it , I do understand the she is hurts but she still wont talk to me she never been so Stubborn , any advice I want her i want make things better but no sigen from her not even a single one and she si not in a relation with no one ,
please advice
thank you .
If she is hurt, then you should just give her more time. You should also consider how long you are willing to wait for her. If she doesn't become receptive in another 2 months, then I'll recommend you move on.
Hey does this apply to same sex relationships. I want to get my ex gf back but only have the option of gf getting ex bf back
Hey,
It does work for same sex relationship. Unfortunately, I don't have an email series specifically for same sex relationship. I'll recommend you subscribe to the "Get your Girlfriend Back" email series. It will refer to your ex as she but it'll refer to you as a guy.
Before I write my question, I have to thank you, Kevin, for helping people with such devotion. After I read this article, my heart and soul were freed from a lot of pain and confusion.
I'm convinced that I want to get my ex girlfiend back; I lover her and I really don't have doubts about it. Nevertheless, she's already in a relationship with this guy she met around last september. She told me (yeah, I confronted her at the time) that her new relationship wasn't something serious, at least not for her. But judging by the way they get along (I'm aware of this thanks to certain social network), I'm afraid she lied to me, and I'm sure this new relationship of her is not as casual as she said. I guess she's with him for a number of reasons, but the most important one is that she can meet him at college (her parents are very restrictive with her and don't allow her to go out with frequency, and stuff like that). How does the 5 Step Plan change in my case?
It doesn't change Diego. It's probably a rebound and you should let it run its course.
Kevin,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently ended it when he was in the company of an ex and lied the whole night about it. I tried to contact him but he would cancel the call which lead me to send a ranting abusive messages. It took me 12 hours to get in contact with him by then I had made too many stories up in my head to even see sense. I told him to leave the house which he did then I started doing the calling texting etc and the more I get ignored the more I do it. When his phone goes to voice mail I think im blocked and try everything else (I think im a nut job). So now he said he wants space and I think I have embarrassed myself enough. We have so much planned and I don't want to not be with him hes just a bit of a fool in drink. I have trust issues which he doesn't really make better with how he acts like lying about trivial things. I always contact his as I panic he will meet someone else which I don't think I could handle right now.
Not sure what to do?
Follow the plan Louise.
Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up about a week ago with him initially saying it was a break.
He told me he still loved me but felt unhappy and overwhelmed.
Later telling our mutual friends he broke up with me because my comparing him to my ex and complaining about his mother became annoying. I only compared him to my ex because I was afraid of being hurt in the same way, and I never dealt with such a controlling mother as his but know I overstepped my boundaries.
He told me we might completely break up, he doesn't know the outcome, we might need to work on being friends first, and that he needs to focus on himself.
But he told me to Facebook message him and I did, he told me again he loved me but the next day told me not to say it anymore and not to call him pet names so we can work on being friends for now to "see where it goes" and then he got advice from an elderly mutual friend of ours to ignore me which he didn't want to do but is doing now because he believes she is wise.
So he has initiated no contact, which I'm assuming he plans to hold for this entire week of Thanksgiving while he is away with family. I ran into him Thursday and tried to convince and almost beg him to return but since then have stopped talking. I don't want to be his friend and made this clear, and at the same time he said he has faith in us and loves me but it might be healthy to date other people and that some people are just meant to not work out.
A lot of our mutual friends are saying he probably needs a breather.
What can I do and do you think we stand a chance? What do you think is going through his mind?
Follow the Plan Aly. He does need some space.
Kevin,
What do I do if he's spearheading the no-contact rule and it's all in his hands?
And I'm sure he is thinking that I am still crying everyday, complaining, and comparing, how can I convey to him that I am not while we are in no-contact without rushing to try to convince him/beg/plead/push him?
It doesn't matter who started no contact. The primary aim of no contact is for you both to have some space and work towards becoming a happier confident person. You don't have to convey anything to him right now. If you make changes in your life, it'll show after no contact is over.
After 2 weeks of no contact I saw him today when passing by and he hugged me, later I focus out he was back with his ex (far younger and they were only together for a month in the past, his mother made them break up due to age difference). My friend asked him why he didn't tell me especially since two weeks ago he said he had faith/loved me but just needed space. And he said we were broken up and he didn't feel like he had to tell me. I unintentionally ran into him again later, played dumb like I didn't know they were together, asked him to talk to which he said "later" (and it didn't happen) and he went to talk to her, later I saw him (we were with many mutual friends and we were civil but he was distant and seemed like he didn't like me or want to be around me all of a sudden and he ended up leaving.
I texted him later saying it would be fair to talk and he ignored it and is continuing to ignore me.
What can I do and do you believe he's rebounding or if I have anything to worry about?
I don't know how to go about getting him back especially when he's always with her now and I see him frequently now due to mutual friends and living so close. And should I restart a month of NC and would it work in this situation?
If you have not finished no contact, then you should restart it after this. It's probably a rebound. You should try to avoid him as much as possible and if you see him, just treat him as an acquaintance and keep the conversations as short as possible.
Hi Kevin I left a comment and don't know if you have answered it I can't find it ;(
Hey Jillian,
The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your comment on the message boards. We have a very supportive community here.
My ex is very smart, she contacts me the moment I resort to moving on approx 3o days after I stopped contact. We broke up because of distance as she moved away for work. I had previously offered to visit her but she did not seem too excited and thought it would be too daunting to spend a weekend together. Now it appears the tables have turned slightly as she is communicating with me and I have made it clear that we need to talk but she has not really responded yet to that suggestion. I really do not like staying in touch if there is no chance for a future as I have very strong feelings for her and I believe she does for me as well. The problem is this neediness game and it just appears like sea saw going from me to her here and there. Can't there be an actual consensus and openness that translates into YES let's get back together...I have done most of the things stated, such as working out hard, going on dates here and there, but none of it seems to bring me to where I am level headed.
After a while, you will have to have the talk and give her an ultimatum. Either get back together or cut contact forever.
yes, had the talk she said she wasn't ready now and considered us finished but didn't see any harm in saying hello - i said we had to cut contact after trying to somehow make it work - it was very tough to do but she agreed to it, I don't feel good about it but i guess that's life
Hi I would just like to know does this work for ex bfs that were in the military and have ptsd? He won't see anyone and has turned into a completely different person and broke up with me a few months back but still contacts me all the time what should I do I don't want to be his friend I still love him and cry over him all the time. Should I do the no contact.... Thank u
Hey,
He needs professional help and there's a good chance it'll work once he sorts out his PTSD. I think you should recommend him to get professional help and do no contact. Let him know it's hard for you to stay in contact with him and you need time and space to deal with the breakup.
hi thank u for replying I have asked him too he says he would be weak if he does I was with him two years and he was wonderful he is such a different person he barely ever calls but texts me all the time and asks if I'm ok, he never wants to see me or do anything then another minute he's fine I've tried doing the no contact I got through like three days lol and he will keep texting me asking if I'm alrite so I always reply because I don't want to add more stress on him..... I'm just very confused and like I said before I don't want to be his friend and I've told him that but at the same time I can't stop replying to him....what advice do u have to make It through the no contact if he's always texting .... Thanks again
Just tell him before starting no contact. Tell him you need some time and space and won't be replying to him anymore. And then stop replying to his messages. He will stop eventually.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 1/2 years. We broke up August 31. For two months after the break-up I didn't abide by the rule of no contact. We FaceTimed a few times and I texted him almost daily. As of the 15th of this month I've started no contact, so I can recover and gather myself in time to see him in person again around the same time next month.
Do I still have a chance at a new relationship with him even though I was late to go along with no contact?
P.S. Your emails are great. :)
Yes, you do have a chance. All the best.
This is the worst time of my life. My ex broke up with me about 8 months ago. I have never been so hurt like this before. I can't stop thinking about him.iam madly in love with him. The reason he broke up with me he said I was cold towards him. Wouldn't let him help me when I had problems. I pushed him away and now I've lost him. I haven't slept I refuse to eat. I told him how I feel. He said we are finished and it's over for good get it in my head. He is not in a relationship with anyone. He told me he care for me and he has feelings but is trying to block them out and he said all he wants from me is to be friends that's it nothing else. I told him I can never be friends with someone who I am Madley in love with. He didn't reply. He int hardly getting back to my text. He comes around every weekend to pick our son up. We get on really well. And he said if I wasn't such a twat he still be with us now. I have tried the no contact. But only last for 3 days. I can't let go of him. He's our life. I absolutely love this man and it's killing me being away from him. Please me and my kids need him .It's Christmas soon and I want him back my children are devested that he is no longer here. Please help
Hey Kelly,
Unfortunately, the only thing that will help is no contact. The only way to get him back is to stop being needy and learn to be happy without him. If you are finding it difficult to cope with no contact, I'd recommend you seek therapy.
I have a new number and I think my ex has got one as well. Do you think now we can't contact each other by text. I will only see him when he gets our son. Do you think we can get back together ??
Yes, I think there's still a chance if you can follow the plan.
Thanks so much Kevin. Your help is appreciated. Thanks for giving me advice :)
after reading your guide . it helped me so much and although the road was tough.
i am now back with my ex and feelings are so much stronger this time round .
thank you so much
Was it worth the wait bro?
The wait is the hardest part . but you have to keep to NC . just over a month with NC .we spoke and my ex missed me . Have faith and keep to this guide dude
What did you do when you got back on talking terms to convince your ex? I've just got back to having 1 or 2 friendly chats with my ex, she's coming up with excuses not to meet up, but I think that's cus maybe she still likes me.
My ex was exactly the same . Didnt want to mee me. So i left her with NC. i didnt suggest NC . I just looked after number 1.
Hey Kevin,
I've been trying not to contact my ex. But what he did is start messaging me the next day and tell me that " I can see that you moved on :') " but I didnt. what should I do? Or reply him :(
If you want, you can send a message telling him you need some time and space.
Hello,
I wrote yesterday but I don't see it on here. My ex and I broke up in July. He said he did not love me as much as he use to. He deleted me from Facebook which he had never done before and that devastated me. He said the reason he was doing that was because he loves me but needed space. so I went from July to September with no contact. I saw him at a BBQ in September and treated him like everyone else, but he could not even look at me. In October I reached out and said hope you are doing well. He said I am doing good and that was it. Then 2 days later he Facebook friend requested me. I sent him a few funny pictures here and there got no response. Then I sent him a trailer 2 weeks ago for a movie I thought he would like. He responded with a thumbs up. I sent one back . Then we sent each other funny stickers (we were using Facebook chat) the last sticker he sent me was a cat holding a sign saying sorry. After that I tried to reach out each week and got nothing. Yesterday I sent something got nothing. I realized he still has my key so I wrote him saying "I was trying to find my keys in my purse and I realized he still has them lol I shall need those back " Got no response. I don't know what to do. Everyone saids I don't have a chance. I need help what should I do? and can this work? he is the only man I want
Hey Kristin,
He is cold even after 3 months of no contact. In my opinion, you will be better off if you decide to move on. You can try to pursue him more but it'll be an uphill battle. If you do decide to do so, I'd recommend you do no contact all over again for 2-3 months and text him.
I won't give up I want him back so I will try the more nc we were together for 4 years . Why won't he respond about my key? Do you think he still cares I know right after we broke up he admitted to not being himself for a long time.that he has been depressed. What do you think of the sorry the last thing he put? He is worth it to mw
Do you think if I do yours and Ryan's plan it will work?
There's a chance it might work. But like I say in the article, there are no guarantees.
Thanx for your advice Kevin ..
well things started to get really difficult and different since he got back to his city .. at the first 2 days he was amazing .. and pretty nice to me .. but now .. he hasn't spoken to me since 2 days .. he's avoiding me .. I called him the last night ( actually I wasn't calling .. I was just checking if he's phone is off .. because I sent him a message but didn't get the delivery report .. so I called and he picked up immediately).. he said that he will talk to me on whatsapp because he can't talk .. I said ok .. later .. he was online .. so I talked to him .. he told me that he doesn't have to talk to me every time he's online!! .. and he didn't want to talk to me .. I said but you're the one who told me you wanted to talk .. he said that he'll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok ..
he did not talk to me yesterday .. today I woke up .. he was online and he sent a message saying he's sorry but yesterday he was tiered and he went to sleep directly .. so I responded : " thank you for not telling me that yesterday .. Is there anything wrong? .. I feel like you are avoiding me :( " .. he said : "that's enough! " .. and he went offline! !!!!!
I'm really frustrated .. upset and confused .. idk what's happening or what sould I do anymore :( ..
what do you think Kevin?
Hey Mema,
It's hard to say what is going on with him. If I had to guess, you pushing him and being needy is driving him away. Like I said before, you need to do a little bit of no contact again and stop being so needy if you want him back.
Thanks Kevin .. I'll start NC again .. but how should I ask him for this .. without hurting him or pushing him further away?
Don't ask him anything. If he contacts you, tell him you need some space and time for now and stop answering him after that.
ok .. I'll .. but yesterday we talked .. he told me he still has feelings for me but he's not excited about getting back together ..so I said that I feel the same .. and the problems we had didn't kill our feelings towards each other but we reached a point where the pain was larger than the love .. and he agreed with me ..
and said that he did not forget about us .. and that if he did he won't be talking to me now .. and that he can never forget me this easy .. but this doesn't mean that we should get back together ! ..
and I'm the perfect girl .. and he'll never ever find anyone like me :( ..
how should I change this?
and how can I make him excited again about getting back together and I want this to be his idea not mine :(
should I follow the RR .. and if I should .. what stage do you think I'm in?
or should I do NC .. and if I should for how long should I do it?
Hey Mema,
Like I said before, I'll recommend NC. At least for one month, preferably 2-3 months.
ok .. I'll do my best .. thanx alot Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I read your article and advice and it was very helpful so .I signed up for Relationship Rewind site but I am not getting the same I am unable to find something I need to know right now. As I did all the mistakes and She told me to not contact her again and she got married 17 of last month.I did not contacted her ever since and I was hopeless until I read your article and all signs were as she is going into rebound relationship like she got engaged very quickly and their relationship building was extra fast. its been month now, today she messaged me saying Hi. I have not replied to her text yet.I wants to know what shall I do now? Please help me to get her back with advice.
Many thanks
J Abbas
Hey,
To be honest, if she is married, then you are better off moving on and not replying to her anymore. Even if it is a rebound, you will be entering a lot of unnecessary drama and complications by trying to pursue a married girl. It'll much easier to find someone else.
Thanks for getting back , What if she asked me after early stages of her marriage that if her relation will not work with her husband than she will contact me and asked If I will accept her.
Tell her she contact you once she gets a divorce and if you are single at that time, you will consider. But you will not be a part of her life as long as she is married.
Thanks
Please a little bit light would be great :(
Is it a rebound if after a 4 year relationship, ex bf friend starts to be interested/and dating a girl he met out of the blue whilst he was drinking and partying to cope with the break up?
Break up happened 2,5 months ago and he met her 2,5 months ago... Told me that he feels good with her at the moment and doesn't know where it will lead, he decided to tell me that out of the blue, to "help me move on..."
NC is all I have left to help myself
Also, I though about deleting him from Facebook but we have about 50 common friends and I want him to see how good am doing latter on when I'm healed.
Should I just remove myself from Facebook for a month to not obsess over him?
Thanks !
Yes, it's probably a rebound. If you find yourself obsessing over his facebook status and pictures, then you should remove him. If not, then there's no need.
Thank you Kevin,
I also don't understand why he would tell me this and then add things like:
"I won't tell you her name (so that I don't check her on facebook) but she is normal looking not prettier than you" and also "maybe its a rebound I don't know where it will lead"
Its killing me that he is saying those things without me asking and also pissing me off, what would you thing about those statements?
Thanks for your help, I don't know where I stand but all your work is helping me getting better :)
He is giving you hope because he doesn't want you to move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
This make sense.. He could have told me that ages ago, but he kept saying things like he will wait for some time and see how he feels towards me in the future. (whilst telling me to not hold to this and to move on...)
Obviously he didn't as he met this girl, but he then said that he didn't tell me earlier because he though I would find someone else anyway in the meantime and that then he would have told me.. That makes NO sense. He keeps begging me to hate him, to block him from social media, to forget about him, yet if that's what he wanted, he could have said that thing about that girl ages ago in order for me to hate him and HE could have blocked me and stop answering me. Apparently he didn't sleep all night before deciding to call me and tell me that.
I also wanted to add that after saying that to me, he cried a lot, told me he couldn't move on nor live normally, that everything reminded him of me (can't watch some series nor listen to some music anymore) and that he couldn't spend a day without wondering how I was doing, that it needed to stop and that he needed to start living like a normal person.
I am just amazed, how is that a situation in which you would want to start seeing someone new?? It's killing me and I'm also mad that he though that after 4 years I would want to find someone else that fast (he said that so many people fancy me he though I would.. WTH, on what planet is he living?) T_T
What do you think? You always manage to put sense in my head and help me carry on with a 2 sentence reply so thank you so much..
Helen x
His reaction to the breakup is very common. And so is yours. I think the best way to maximize the chances of reconciliation is to follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago. I was blind sided and did the begging and pleading and got her to be friends with me which was her idea for 2 months.
My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
The friendship was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
After 2 months she slowly started deleting things from our relationship on Facebook.
Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I’m sorry.
Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?
I'm on day 20 and do realize I truly love her and want her back, will following your plan work after I messed things up?
There's still a chance Oscar and it's worth trying. But always be prepared for the possibility that it might not work.
Thanks Kevin, My 30 day no contact period ends in a week. I plan on texting her a few days after. How long should I text her before making the call to ask her for coffee? What if I text her and she ignores me?
It depends on her reaction to your texts. If she is warm, you can ask her out after a week or so. If she isn't you will have to wait a couple of week to a month. If she ignores you, wait a couple of weeks and try again.
I've been blocked on whats app, viber , skype and even my phone number . I called her and even went to Berlin to see her . She used to beg me to see her . The only thing I can do is email her and possibly text her . I don't see get or destiny of meeting her by accident happening as I live in London and she in Berlin . I went to her work even wrote her letter . I have no choice but to not contact her as have exhausted . I want closure and she won't give it as I want to confront face to face . I called her like a mad man as was afraid she met another man. I'm doomed and so what if I stop contacting her because the phone is not going to work . How can see her and sit and talk to her and be attractive even on following your rule ? I have to stop contacting her but I'm in a destructive cycle . This is clearly and extream case messed up on the phone and distance does not help as well as being silent from her side it's quite a pain and stake in the heart of theses facts against me . So?
Hey Salman,
You need a couple of months of no contact. There are a lot of ways to meet and contact her once no contact is over. Don't worry about that just yet. Just start doing no contact and do what the article says in step 2 and 3.
Hey Kevin,
My apology letter worked well, she said it was lovely and it reminded her of some "cute times" we had together. She said it'd be nice to see me some time, I casually replied and said itd be nice if we met up. She seems a little too ok with the breakup so I don't know what's going on
Hey Luke,
Can you please tell me what did you follow in writing the letter? I want to write a letter to my gf but do not know how and I do not want to make it worse.
Hey, here are the things i covered:
i started by apologizing for my behavior after the breakup, then i said "i understand why you just want to be friends and i accept that". Then i apologized for one thing i did in the relationship before telling her how i've realized i need to be happier and more confident. I finished it off with some small talk which included happy memories. Basically do a quick sincere apology without bringing up all the things you did in detail, don't seem desperate and bring up good memories. Whatever you do don't seem like you want to get back together, just think of it as a message to an old friend. If you do it as well as i did you'll have a chance to meet up like i now do :) good luck!
Different people deal with breakups differently. Don't overthink it. Just follow the plan. All the best.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote to you about a week ago. I was following the no contact rule, but I explained when I wrote that my ex and i work together.
Yesterday was my first day back at work with him and the break room was packed except for where he was, which is where I sat when we were together. I sat by him and said we didn't have to talk there was just nowhere else to go.
We wound up talking and he said he misses me. I told him i miss him too.
Toward the end of the day i realized he had something of mine in his locker.
I waited at the end of the day to ask him for it. He gave it to me and we walked to our cars together. We talked a little about work. He brought up how his son has been asking about me, and a we talked about his son for a little. Then he said "you haven't been texting me..." And looked kind of upset. I just said, he said he needed his space, so I was giving him that, and to be fair i told him he wasn't texting me either. We hugged when we said goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did. We talked well and even exchanged "good night" texts.
This morning we walked into work together and everything went fine. He even told me i could leave my things in his locker again.
I left early for a doctor appointment and left him a note (which I did any time i left early when we were dating, and he still had ALL of them in there) telling him to have a great day and signed it with my name and a heart.
I texted him at lunch time to ask how his day was going and got no response. I sent one more right before his lunch break was over to say I was sorry if I said too much and that if he had time and wanted to text me later, he could. If not, we'd catch up.
I'm wondering if maybe I overstepped even though he seemed excited to want to talk with me again.
If he doesn't say anything the rest of today and tomorrow when we both have off, I'm going to begin the no contact period again. I'm hoping i didn't blow it.
You shouldn't have ended no contact so soon. Start again. Even if he says something today or tomorrow, tell him you need space and start no contact.
Hello Kevin, I have been using your plan for a few weeks. I am in no contact but every once and a while I see her because we have a lot of mutual friends. When we see each other I usually say hi and that's about it but she acts very hostile in that it seems as though she is very uncomfortable around me. Is this a bad thing and should I do something about it?
Not a bad thing. You don't need to do anything. Just continue the plan.
thank you kevin very beautiful article . thanks for the efforts
Hay Kevin
I did all the mistakes and now my ex gf blocked me on almost everything she only left watsapp about a couple days ago saying she don't love me no more. But we had a serious relationship and I'm not sure if I can get her back you got any ideas??
Follow the plan Raymus.
Thanks Kevin,
By the way should I make the first move or wait for her to txt me first also I feel that I should txt her now I'm more emotionally stable.
If NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4, then you should contact her.
Hi Kevin, really hope you can help me! I have looked down all the comments and I can't find a post that is the same as my situation really..
So my boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago.. We have 1 child together and I have a child from a previous relationship who he has brought up as his own, when we broke up he said he wanted to remain friends and we were often talking and laughing, he helped me get my car fixed and we was on good terms, since then we have had a few bitter arguments and he basically told me he didn't love me or feel anything about me or the relationship... He is always blowing hot and cold, sometimes not contacting me for days and then he will suddenly text me asking too come see the children and then try to initiate conversation, he even asks jokeling if I can make his tea when I am making ours, then he wil just suddenly not reply to my texts, he is now seeing somebody knew and told me he didn't mention it because its not my business what he does as we are no longer together but made sure his cousin slipped it in to convo so that I knew.... He always slipped up that he was looking on my Facebook through a friend the other day... I'm at a total loss as to where we are in terms of Ryan's book (deaths door or drift) and sometimes I feel like he could be at the indifference stage as he often says he feels nothing anymore apart from I'm the mother of his child and he respects me for that,
I have now started no contact I just wondered where you think we are (deaths door, drift or indifference) and if you think we could salvage the relationship? I also can't have full no contact due to him picking up the children twice a week but if o keep convo short and about the children could this still work?
Really hope to hear from you soon! Thanks :)
You are at death's door. You should do no contact. And yes, no contact will work with children if you keep convo short and only about children.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I dated for 4 months and we are both in our mid 20s. He just broke up with me recently saying that he is unhappy and that we are not a good match because we have nothing in common and we fight often. These reasons don't make much sense to me because they are not completely true. We have some things in common, we argue sometimes about very minor issues that can be easily resolved, and he has told me before that he is happy with me and takes me seriously. We always have a good time together, and he was very intimate with me even the night before he broke up with me. He has told me before that he doesn't know what happiness feels like, and that he is always content with things. This was more of a general comment than a specific one towards our relationship. During our breakup he was being very cold and didn't want to answer my calls, kept insisting that it was not working out and we had to go our separate ways, and that it was done. Him and I don't share any mutual friends and I have no way of knowing what he is going through during the "No Contact" period. I have always had certain trust issues and I did bring those over into our relationship, but I am working on that and don't wan to lose him over my own insecurities. Even though we were together for a short while, I still felt a great connection with him and felt so blessed to have him in my life as a significant other. I don't want to lose him over things that I believe can be worked out. Do you think this program is going to work for me? If so, is there anything you would change for my specific situation. I am very broken hearted and would greatly appreciate your input.
Anna
Hey Anna,
Yes, the program might work for you. But I'll recommend you don't invest too much in him. Just try the no contact period once. Contact him. If he's cold, then move on. 4 months is a short amount of time and it'll be easy for you to walk away right now and invest in someone who is more willing to invest in you.
So... what if we have a teenager together who desperately requires co-parenting? How exactly does this no contact situation apply then?
I've written about it here.
hi Kevin ..
well.. my ex is coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or wear something completely new?
and one more thing .. he's gonna be here for 3 days .. well .. we were talking yesterday .. we were very happy .. and had alot of amazing time .. but at last .. I adked him if he's gonna see me when he comes .. he said yes .. then .. I told him that we should met every day because he has to pay me back for not seeing me the last time he was here .. so he said ok .. we will meet .. but not every day .. he's going to see all his friends at the first day .. I said that he can see them .. but it's not necessary to meet them all at his first day here .. he said he likes doing this .. and he'll meet them all at the first day and he'll meet me the next day .. and he was really angry .. he said I'm too demanding :( .. and we ended up fighting .. and I told him I'm not happy .. and that he really bothered me .. because whenever he wants something I do my best to do it for him .. but when I want something he doesn't care !! ..so he said that I'll never learn from my previous mistakes and I'm not gonna change ..
we didn't solve this argument .. and I'm not planning on talking to him this time !!
what should I do in this case?
should i call him to check if he's arrived?
or completely ignore him till he calls me? ..
Mema,
My suggestion is the same a.z on the boards, you need time and need to make yourself scarce.
so you think I shouldn't contact him and do another month of NC? ..
but I'm really feeling down and sad :( ..
this might be his last visit to my city :(
I want to meet him so bad :( ..
I feel like he's afraid of meeting me because he still have feelings for me :( .. that's why he started this argument out of no where :( ..
or that he's just being mean :(
idk .. I feel lost .. I finally got a chance to be his friend and hes ruining it by doing this !!
I told him that if he respects me and he think of me as his friend he should contact me at least .. but he didn't .. :(
I feel like I'm his last interest in life and that he's just having fun and I'm on his hook :( .. and he doesn't care about me .. or respect me anymore :(
hi Kevin ..
ok .. so .. he called me after sending him that message .. saying that he has to go somewhere at 5pm and he’ll meet me after that ( I found out that he was at one of our mutual friend’s house ) .. so at 7pm .. we met .. at first he was uncomfortable and cold ..he didn’t agree on going to the place we usually go to .. so we walked .. then we were talking .. I was teasing him and making jokes about his behaviour .. so he asked me to stop .. I didn’t .. and he was laughing .. then he hugged me saying that he missed me and we were too close so he kissed me :$
we ended up making out :$ ..
I know that was stupid of me .. but I really miss him ..
so .. I told him that I hope this won’t effect our friendship .. and actually I was shocked of his answer .. he said that he always thought that we’ll work as friends with benefits !!!!!!!
I was totally shocked .. I mean .. I thought this meant to him as much as it meant to me :(
he always says that he do this with his special girl ..
and idk why he did it with me!!!
he said it feels right .. and it won’t effect our friendship :(
so ..after that we went to have dinner. .. at last he said that he feels nostalgic whenever he comes to my city .. and everything remind him of me .. and he missed me alot and that he’s really happy that we met .. and the next time he’ll come .. we will spend all the time together .. and he kissed me and gave me a big hug ♡
what do you think?
are we really going to be friends with benefits? .. I don’t want this .. I want him back as my bf .. I hate this kind of relationship !!! :(
It's a terrible idea to be friends with benefits. If I recall correctly, you didn't want to have sex before marriage. Why is he assuming you will have sex with him without being in a relationship with you? Nevertheless, don't agree to his demands. He can sense you are needy and desperate and is trying to use your desperation to his advantage. The only work around to this is to stop being desperate and learn to be happy without him. That's why I recommended more no contact.
That's right .. but he means that he can kiss me and make out with me .. nothing more .. we did thos when we were together.. and I think it was kind of my odea when I called him at the first time .. to use this as an ice breaker .. but I don't want to ruin my chances .. and I want to let him down easy .. and keep our false friendship ..
and what do you think about the date in general?
does he have any feeling for me?
or he was just being nice?
He has feelings for you. If this is the extent of physical intimacy you can provide while being in a relationship, I wouldn't recommend you even make out with him. If you do, he'd have no reason to commit. He already knows you are obsessed over him and will not start a relationship with someone else, he can have physical intimacy with you and he can date other girls and doesn't have any responsibility that comes with a relationship. He has feelings for you, but he also knows he has power over you and he can use it whenever he wants.
Hi Kevin,
I'm just wondering, why do you recommend 30 days of NC and not 21 days NC? One of your emails said that 3 weeks is the peak of when your ex is missing you badly, so wouldn't you want to send a text/email at that point?
Also, you say the 'missing you badly' stage usually peaks around 3 weeks... is this post break up, or after I start NC?
My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, but I only started NC one week ago... Unfortunately I texted him too much, I did all of the wrong things after we broke up and just found your website one week ago.
Does this mean he's already past the 'missing me badly' stage, or will it take place a few weeks from now?
Thanks in advance Kevin!
It's usually after you start no contact. The 30 days is just a guideline. The checklist at the beginning of Step 4 above provides a more comprehensive guideline on when to end no contact.
Hi Kevin
My ex sent me a gift certificate for my bday. She also texted me to wish me happy bday. Her bday is coming up. Should I give her a gift as well? She said that she felt lonely sometimes, but she always said this when we were together.
A text is okay. I don't usually recommend sending a gift to an ex. But since she gave you a gift, I think it'll be okay as long as it's not too much expensive.
If you are not able to reply to my comment, can you kindly send me back what I wrote you and I will add to the message boards? Thanks!
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin,
I read this article (And most of the others on the site) about a month and a half ago. I just ended the NCP on Wednesday and followed all the guidelines you established for restarting contact. I got absolutely no response, not even the hostile sort. How would you recommend I proceed from here?
If you want the details of the relationship I'd be more than happy to give them as well
Chris.
Hey Sherlock,
I would recommend wait 2 weeks and send a message.
Hi,
I followed all the steps and was sooooo surprised when my ex, who lives abroad, asked if he can come to visit :) He seemed to be super excited about that idea and wanted to take a plane just the upcoming week. But... the next day he suddenly said, he cannot come, cause he is really busy. Didn't mention any new dates, I do not wanna push.. I am totally confused :/
Do not push him. Do no contact for another month and contact him again.
I come back on the website to check to see if you replied to my post, but I see you responding to everyone else's post...
Hey Christine,
I am sorry but the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of comments. Since answering comments take a lot of time, I started the message boards where anyone can ask a question and get help from the community.
Hey guys. Just wanted to drop a comment and say after 2 and a half months I got my ex back. She broke up with me and started dating someone else. This article is the best advice and it really is the truth. Just follow the plan, have confidence in yourself, and don't give up! If I can do it so can anyone else! Goodluck to all and thank you Kevin.
Thanks for the comment dude. All the best. :)
I have been thinking bout my ex a lot lately we haven't talked in 2 months no contact and I messaged her today I told her I was sorry for the past and that something I seen reminded me of her all of a sudden she had a family emergency and said she would talk to me later should I message her later or wait to see if she does which I doubt will happen ??
Wait a week. If she doesn't message you, text her again.
Hey kevin, i would really like to thank you as you emails are a big help to me. I also wanted to ask you...that i just shifted houses and all her stuff is in one box which i kept aside. Should i have it delivered to her house or not? Please help.
If she asks for it, then do it. If she doesn't, let it be there.
Can I send my ex flowers before the 30 day no contact period is over let's say it's been 2-3 weeks. And would this be a good first time form of communication with her
No flowers or gifts of any kind until you both are on the verge of getting back together or are already back together.
Hi Kevin, i want to thank you because all of the emails really helped me through my situation. In the past day i've realized i deserve better than my ex, her new boyfriend can have her! Plenty more fish in the sea, and i know i wouldn't be feeling this way right now if it wasn't for the self improvement advice!
That's great Luke. All the best. :)
Hi Kevin,
I recently lost the best thing in my life. My gf was amazing and yet im scared I have relised it too late. Everything has been great and we were so happy together. We went out for her friends bday and a guy she has history with was there. I had a few to drink and he had told my gf that I was going around telling everyone that my GF is understanding when im out with girls and flirting with girls. I have no idea where that came from and so in my drunken state I confronted him. He got defensive and we ended up scrapping. I got the better of him but ended up worse by the doorman involved. Since then my GF has ended things and wont even really allow me a chance to prove my worth.
I am scared right now as I know I can be the one for her and dont want her to throw this away. Obviously I dont want to come across needy and pushy so im just scared what to do. We had been together for 2 years and she has completely erased me from her life.
Thanks
Hey Kevin,
what if my ex broke up with me, because I apparently I didn't show much or enough interest in visiting him (it was long distance relationship) and he felt like he was boring me and I generally wasn't committed enough? On the one hand he told me I'm the most understanding and lovely person he has ever known and that I shouldn't blame myself for anything, on the other hand he is convinced of all the above. Although I really miss him, I can deal with not contacting him but wonder whether that would just prove his point...
Also he is saying, he needs to sort himself out and while I respect that, I am also quite worried about him and would like him to know, that I'm here there for him but don't want to push him either.
I'm looking forward to your answer
Tell him that you won't be contacting him as you both need some time. After that stay no contact and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I sent you a message a few days ago but, to date, I have not seen my comment published or received an answer from you.
You may have reasons for not responding (???) but I would like to hear your expert advice on my current problem. Many thanks.
Hey Mark,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of them. You should post on the message boards. You will get an answer much faster and the community here is very helpful.
Hey Kevin,
I did as you said. Wrote out my post once again and posted on the message board under 'Reconciliation'. One week later....no replies! Nothing, zilch, zero.
What a waste of time!!
Sorry about that Mark. I have replied to your forum post.
My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me over a month ago and I did the no contact rule for 30 days and it seems to be working. He wanted nothing to do with me and now we're having friendly text convos and he says he wants to hang out with me over Christmas break. I really want him back so how can I make him want me again if I hang out with him
Just be confident when you hang out. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don't show any signs of neediness.
i really love this and I'm glad i read it especially the no contact rule. I think i should try it and see.
As I was reading others comment about their situation, they were very detailed. I felt that I was not, so here is a little background info to help you answer futher my last comment. My ex and I were together on and off for about a year and a half. I broke up with him, and he started dating another girl to try to get over me. When I found out and he tries to come back to me, I told him to go be w/the other girl. So he went back to her, I went back running.. you get the picture. There were times when he would take her out places and not me! Eventually I told him to leave me alone and don't text me! Four months later,(Mind you, Changed my hair color/style, new job, gymlife, drew myself closer to God, went on dates here and there. I was good) I texted him a funny pic and the convo went on from there. While we were texting, every time I sent a text he would text back 1 minute later. He asked me out for lunch and eventually we went. What talked about what we been up to and he mention about his rebound relationship saying "That door didn't stay open for long." It was nice, just two friends catching up. After the date, we text here and there. During the NO Contact rule I barely thought about him. Now that I do, I realize I'm not over him! What do I do?
Love Love this!!!! As I was reading the steps, I was wondering if I could still use this for my current situation. My ex and I have been broken up for a year now, but we continued to mess around, even when he was in a rebound relationship. A little while after I started the No Contact rule for 4 Months. I then texted him and during the conversation he asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and after that we have been texting here and there. What do I do now?
Continue texting and hanging out. He will probably make a move after some time.
Sometimes it is hard to hang out with him because he is always busy. I dont like to always ask him to hang out when he says, "Oh I can't because blah.." but if I wait on him to ask me out again I might be waiting for forever. And also while we were at lunch he mentioned how he cant trust girls anymore because of his past relationships and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at this moment, I kinda said to myself that he was giving me a heads up and to tell myself that we should just be friends and maybe go back to being best friends like we were before I don't want to but it looks like I have no choice.
Hi, so...
I've bought Relationship Rewind and I'm at the point where I give both of us some space to breathe and become rational. I am already emotionally stable and though it is still early into the process, I have this underlying fweling he won't contact me when "he is ready." So what do I do then? I know you are not the one who made Relationship Rewind, but I don't know how to enter into the "False Friendship" if he does not contact ME first, as the ebook instructs. Any ideas as to what to do if this does end up happening...?
If he doesn't contact you first, you contact him after no contact period is over. Use the texts or letter mentioned in the above article to get back in touch.
I just want to say this article is so true - it's helping cope with my break up as we speak- its indeed the hardest thing to do with the NO CONTACT - like just the other nite I saw my ex with this girl - my friends and I were out drinking... And he and this girl was at the bar too.. I payed no attention to them cause I try to follow the rule of the no contact - it was recking ball when I saw them together but I put on my happy face - and then it's not like she was worth it ./. I was more than happy I went out with my friends - I had a great time after all- thnks Kevin -
So my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday saying I was the perfect girlfriend but he just wasn't ready for a commitment (he moved onto me to fast he said). When I asked if there will ever be a chance in getting back together he said "I don't want to give you that hope'
I started getting into the picture after he broke up with a VERY serious girlfriend and she moved out, they were a toxic relationship where she cheated on him constantly. COULD I OF BEEN THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIP?
We went through a lot to be together though, he was my older brothers close friend and my brother said no but we had such a connection that we did it anyway. He was the first guy I've ever trusted after I got raped and after my dad beat me, he knows that too. I was saving myself for marriage but I gave myself to him after a week because it felt so right.
He said he can't imagine his life without me and neither can I, we love each other but we were never in love. We didn't have the time but we spoke very seriously about the future and even a family.
We still are best friends so I'm nervous about the 30 no contact rule.
He wants me as a best friend but I still desperately want him as a boyfriend.
I want him back very badly, we had a perfect relationship we were only ever happy with each other and fights would last a max of 3hrs
What should I do???
You should follow the plan Katherine. You need to do the no contact period and you need to learn to live a life and be happy without him. That's the best way to get him back.
Hey Kevin, I have subscribe to the emails and have been doing no contact for atleast 2 weeks, she have tried to contact me during the 1st week of no contact, I have not responded. The second time she contacted me was on its 2nd week, I have responded as what you suggest but no personal and emotional respond. She told me that she is miserable right now, but I am confused, not sure if its because of our breakup or because she have no chance with the new guy that she said she's ""falling inlove with"" I do not want to contact her anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Do you think its because she is still not over me? Why do she need to contact me just to talk about that guy! Please advice my friend
She seeks approval and emotional support. Don't give it to her.
Thanks Kevin!
I messed up doing no contact when I responded to her, I still showed depression and signs of neediness. She wanted us to be friends even though she knew I was hurting. I don't understand.
Don't be friends with her if you are hurting. Take time off and tell her you need some time for yourself to deal with the brekaup and maybe you can be friends again with her after that. Then do no contact.
I have not contacted my ex since our break 1 week ago. However he has contacted me. Daily. And I have made the mistake of responding. My bad. I will stop. But can I just ask for my house keys back ? Or is that a no no to ? I legitimately need them to give to a friend to help me with my pets while I work. Should I just get new ones made ?
Yes you can.
Hey Kevin,
This really seems silly and would be the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels "that's closest he has felt towards love" and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.
He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he's closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn't go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)
I told him I don't want to be "friends" with you. Because obviously I can't change my love with whom I've been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that's ridiculous.
I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh... 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won't work the way you want to.
Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)
Follow the plan Sana.
so this guy doesn't look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.
Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don't contact him until you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of step 4.
Hi Kev,
My ex has been calling me every 2 days during my NC basically to check up on me as I have been physically ill & signed off work for the past 3 weeks. She split up with me over a month ago with her reasoning being 'she need to get happy, but alone'. I have been following your plan strictly as it has helped. But every time I receive a text or missed call, it sets me back again.
I took your direction on contacting her by text "Thank you for your concern but I don't want you to contact me for the time being- I'll get in touch with you. I need space and time right now. I have arranged with Joe (brother) to have your belongings collected. x".
She replied with "ok that's fine, I just wanted to know how you are and what your doing, how feather (our cat) is and what's happening with her? Have you left Liverpool?".
My question is, do I reply? Or do I leave it as I asked for her to leave me for now?
I don't think you should reply.
Hey Kevin ..
I've posted here before .. you've recommended that I should stop being needy ( I don't know how to do this :( ) .. and that I need to go on many dates ..
Well .. I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace ..
And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life :) ..
And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me? ..
and there was this thing .. a girl commented on his profile picture on Facebook .. she said " you look nice ♡ " . .
many people commented on his photo .. but he replied to her .. and one more male friend of him :( ..
I viewed her profile .. he commented on her profile picture too saying : "omg .. you look super nice"
I'm afraid :(
I don't want to lose him :( ..
Does this mean anything?
And what about our conversation? .. does ot till anything about his feelings towards me?
And one last thing ..
I changed my profile picture on whatsapp 3 days ago .. yesterday he sent me an IM .. saying that he liked it . . Today I said thanx .. and that was it :(
What do you think Kevin?
I'm confused and afraid :(
He still has feelings for you. I think you should do more no contact since you are still needy. The best way to get rid of neediness right now is to make a lot of positive changes in your life. As mentioned in the Step 2 and 3.
Well I did all of them .. I even got a job .. a new look .. went on a date .. I passed the exam for master degree .. I volunteered.. I go to gym "even before the break up" .. I'm already the best version of myself .. and actually .. to be honest .. I'm way out of his league !! .. Everyone is telling me that!! ..
But still .. I want him ..
I miss him alot
Even when I'm out with my friends .. I think about him ..
I'm not contacting him .. as I promised .. but I'm afraid that he knows we were bad together the last year .. and he knows he has feelings for me .. and he won't talk to me because of this .. untill he's completely over me and he's with someone else ! :(
and his friends have bad influence on him .. because they don't think we should be together " we are from different religions... it wasn't a problem for us ..but i believe that his friends are effecting on him so we don't get back because of this :( "
What should I do in this case?
In that case, give yourself some time away from him. At least till you accept that you have broken up and there's a chance you will never get back with him. You should do no contact until you are OK with this. It will take time. Till then, continue living your life. Go on a few more dates. Go out with friends. Just try to enjoy your life as much as you can.
Hey Kevin " the miracle maker" ..
Well .. Finally .. I'm talking to my ex again .. after blocking me and saying that he want me oug of his life .. etc ..
We started talking on whatssapp 2 days ago .. we shared intimate moments ... and romantic talks .. even some sexy talks :$
so .. it was good .. but yesterday we had a small argument .. so he got super mad over nothing "I couldn't talk to him on skype" .. He said that I'll never change .. and that I always do what's best for me and I never considered him .. and he went offline .. so .. I sent him a sms .. I was the mature one .. I didn't sound needy or anything .. and I respected his wish to storm off .. so after 10 minutes he came back apologising ..
today .. we talked again on whatsapp .. we laughed .. and we had fun ..then I was telling him about this guy who is going to propose to me in a traditional way .. and then he asked me to talk to him on skype .. I refused .. I was busy .. then .. he was mean with me .. he was acting differently .. then I asked him if we are gonna go with our friends when he comes to my city next week .. so .. he got super mad .. and angry .. he told me that he will not answer now .. because he doesn't wanna say anything that he'll regret about later!!!!
He asked me to go to sleep a little because I was tired .. and I did ..
what do you think is happening?
I know .. you said in your emails it's normal .. but am I doing anything wrong here? .. I yold him how great my life is now .. and he's doing nothing at all.. just having fun with his friends .. did this bothered him? .. how exactly should I be with him?
I don't wanna lose my chances to get him back :(
And one more thing .. we were talking yesterday .. about a thing ..so he said that we will never get married .. like he was making sure that I don't think about him as more than a friend :(
What do you think?
Hey Mema,
Just make sure you don't lose your temper and are always calm and mature. He is confused. Let him be confused. He will try to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to him. Know what you want in life and don't compromise just because he is angry or throwing a tantrum. Always put yourself before him.
About the marriage thing, he was probably trying to get a reaction out of you by saying that. If he feels the same after a couple of months being in contact with you, then you should give up hope and find someone else.
Thank you Kevin .. but I think I'm in an evaluation period .. and I'm afraud to anything wrong .. so now whenever he got upset at me .. he storm off and go offline .. then I send him a message telling him that it's not a mature way to solve anything and that he should go back online to hear my opinion :) .. so he does .. and we talk .. he's like a child .. if he didn't get what he want .. he gets mad .. yell at me .. and go offline till I send him a message .. so today I was upset .. he promised me to call me on phone .. and he didn't .. do I told him that I'm disappointed and sad ..and as a joke I said that I won't talk to him anymore with " :-p" emoji . . he did nothing at all .. he saw the IM .. and he didn't reply ..
What do you think?
And today he's going to a party .. I think he has a set up date .. I'm not sure .. but he's acting strange .. he didn't talk to me .. he didn't respond when I said I'm sad .. he did nothing!
What do you think?
Hey Mema,
You should not reward his child like behavior by giving him what he wants. If you do so now, you will be doing so for the rest of the relationship (if you get back together). Like I said before stay calm and don't let his hot and cold behavior affect you. Do not compromise just because he is throwing a tantrum. You are not in an evaluation period. If you think so, you are being needy. In my opinion, you need more no contact.
Kevin ...
I don't know what happened yesterday! !
so after telling him that I'm sad and upset .. he didn't talk to me .. so .. he was online .. so I asked him what's going on .. he said he's busy .. ( we have a thing .. when he's busy ... I send him alot of messages .. because I know he can't reply .. so I tease him :-p .. we always do this .. idk how to explain it .. but it's funny)
so this time he got upset .. he said that he's busy and he's talking to someone .. I said who? your girlfriend? .. he said :" I hope she will be soon" .. so I was shocked .. and I started to ask him about her .. how old .. when did they meet and where .. etc .. he sent me a picture of her and he didn't reply to any of my questions .. he told me he'll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok .. so .. he did .. he told me it was a joke .. and the girl is his friend .. but she means nothing to him .. so I told him : " that's good .. she's not beautiful .. and make sure when you're gonna date someone that at least she is more beautiful than me" .. he said that there is no one who is nearly as beautiful as me .. and I'm the best girlfriend he could ever dream of .. I said thanx
then he apologised .. and asked to talk on Skype .. I said it's too late .. and I'm going to sleep .. he got super angry .. he said : "you know I hate talking on whatsapp and you know how much this means to me .. yet you always do this! .. " I said that I'm not in the mood and I don't wanna talk on Skype ( I was upset because he didn't care that I'm sad all the day .. and I did not want to reward this action ) .. so he got angry .. and he said that he'll never ask me to talk to him on Skype again .. and I'm selfish .. I said that I respected his wishes when he was busy and he should respect mine .. so he said he will go to sleep to calm down and he'll talk to me tomorrow .. I said ok .. but you started a fight for nothing and that he should ask himself if this reason is really important to ruin our evening? .. he ssid it is .. and he want me to leave him alone .. I did ..
what do you think Kevin? ..
did I did what you told me about not rewarding his child like behaviour and learning to say no to him and not always giving him what he wants?
and I didn't compromise because he's angry ..
os this good?
and he's coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or weae something completely new?
Hey Kevin I commented yesterday and need help by this weekend! but i'm not sure my comment went through?
Hey Dan,
Please post on the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I don't usually approve them.
Ok thanks Kevin i will next time. Should I create Jealousy through social media to trigger my ex's interest. This would be done by posting photos of me and my other ex hanging out this weekend, she was always envious of her. Thoughts
If you decide to go that route, make sure you don't make it completely obvious that you are trying to make it jealous. A better way would be to just post pictures of you having a good time and not with girls you know she is jealous of.
Hi kevin
My boyfriend brokeup with me about 1 month ago.
Unfortunately i didnt act well, i kept no contact just for 10 days and after that i called him while we both were not ready,i asked him to see him on that day but he told me that he will call me back , after that he didnt call me , so i called but his phone was off
After two days i text him and told him that i wanted to have new relationship with u but it seems that u dont want to, so have a good life .
And after a day he answered me that i think it doesnt work its better to be good friends for each other... Good luck
After a week we saw each other we were face to face after 30 seconds he told me hi i answered then i continued my way
Now i want to know your opinion about if is there any chance to get him back or not
Do you think its over?? :(
I will be really appreciate you if you answer me...
There's a chance. Follow the plan.
My ex said the reason we broke up is the i didnt show that i liked him. He said he felt that our relationship was fake. And to be friends again.and he said nothing can change his mind. What should i do?
Follow the plan.
Me and my ex was dating for two and half years and have been split up for 3 Weeks. We split up through his choice but have had a rocky time recently. I have done the begging/ texting part. Really trying to stop that by find it so hard. Met up with his last week was amazing he couldn't stop kissing me telling me him loves me. Now he feels that he can't see a future with me and that becomes before everything else still States he loves me and can't bear changing his profile picture of us. Planning to meet this weekend to discuss but of course no promises and doesn't think we have a future. I have suggested dating again but feels would end the same. How can I show him that I realise things need to change and we can be happy?
Follow the plan. Start making changes and let him realize it by himself.
MY ex broke up with me citing reason that her parents would never ever accept me and she wants no more troubles and is looking for new love. I made mistake to talk to her asking her to come back. But can i start the no contact period from now onwards? about a week after our break up?
Yes you can.
Hi, I posted a comment here a few days ago, but only after I read to post on board. Can you please answer it here and the next will go there? Thank you. I'm the one with the 5 month old and she has a bf. Wanted to add she normally doesn't go out and date like that and she has ben acting very different over this timenwd normally after a great day with me and our son she flips the next day and acts very neg towards me.
I answered you here.
Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago, things were going ok, we had some issues but had worked them out, then about a week later she told me she still definitely loved me and didn't know if she wanted to get back together but she wanted some space. She is going through a really stressful time in her life, and I mean real stressful. I was wondering what approach I should take in order to get her back. Thanks!
Give her the space she needs and use that time to make some positive changes in your life.
I am 26 and my fiancé is 30. She broke up with me on Friday. We are together for 7 years and 1month. But we engaged for a year and a month now. She don't want anything to do with me and wants nothing from me. The reason she broke up with me was, she said I am obsessed and immature. There were things I was doing which she did not like.
She told me it’s over for good this time but I want to make things right by making the changes in my life. There is a new friend that she is chatting with he is now only 20 years old. They saw each other for the last two days. She also told me she feels something for him.
Kevin I need your help please anything will do.
I answered you here.
My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, the first 3 or 4 weeks i acted so needy and desperate at least a couple times a week. She said she just wants to be friends, and that she still cares about me. She started liking someone new a few weeks later. I've gone no contact for a week, in a few weeks i will send a letter to her. My problem is she is so stubborn and she says that she doesn't want to get back together because it might not work out. I've tried to convince her but no luck, will i have a chance at getting her back?
Yes, follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
me (male, 28) and my ex (female, 22) had been longtime very, very close friends (seven years) before we got together. She ended her lesbian relationship (duration: 7 months) and finally we got together. But after two months (one month ago) she decided to break up with me and get back together with her former girlfriend (31). Because we had been so close before our relationship, she didn't left me all alone after the break-up. We met several times and both of us enjoyed the time together (at least she said so and there is no sign she was lying). Now, of course I did all the mistakes you describe in your article but nonetheless we're still in close contact. I think it's finally time for the no-contact-rule. But she will definitely contact me because we have been in close contact since the break-up. Should I answer her text with a short note like "I need some time off. See you."? It would seem strange and rude not to answer.
Any help would be appreciated!
Felix
Yes, it's OK to tell her you need some time and space.
Hi, Great advice but i have a question. Me and my partner have a child together after a 3 and a half year relationship. We've been apart 8 weeks now and of coarse with our child involved am finding it ever so hard to stick by your guidelines. i know its right what your saying... but i still have to make some sort of contact with my girlfriend to see our child. What would you suggest is the best way forward? Danny
Read this article.
Hi Kevin, not so long on but a little update and some advice required please: The no contact rule has been pretty straight forward to follow, however i have tried to communicate with her to see our Daughter and have discovered that she has blocked my calls and texts anyway. Obviously disappointed with regards seeing our child. I feel as tho she is perhaps using our child as bait now. However a week on from this I've been out the last few days with a friend from work for a few beers and a few meals which is a lot easier than eating at home on your own. Each time I've checked into the location via Facebook and i believe my ex has been monitoring this. Yesterday she called me and we spent an hour on the phone talking about things in general and conversation got complicated towards the end as her son cam home from school. Suppose the conversation was awkward ??? But what came later on were telephone calls about how anxious she was feeling and how she had dropped her phone in water and was asking me for advice on what to do. i politely recommended what to do and said 'il speak to you soon'. What then followed were messages via Facebook messenger thanking me and going on to ask what am i doing? She claims that she's not feeling very good tonight and her nerves are really bad. Am i on a date? i stated that i had felt that way for some time and she said its the first time she felt like this and is obviously hurt and gutted that we didn't work out but it wasn't good for us or the children to carry on our relationship. i asked her y all of a sudden does she feel like this? to which she replied 'i don't know' was you with someone last night????? i said that i was shocked of her asking me this all of a sudden after 2 months! she said she doesn't know and persisted to ask me if i was with someone and that her body felt terrible???
I then thought about the no contact rule and ignored. Woke up this morning to be greeted with more messages saying that i havnt answered her and to tell her the truth and she felt that something was strange, followed by the ever more - hello , hello hello , are you still there???? and approx 7-8 phone calls this morning on my way to work which i ignored also. Finally she stopped and has since blocked me on Facebook and i have no way of contacting her again. This afternoon at lunch i couldn't help but call to leave a voicemail to only say that i had missed your calls this morning and if you would like to chat then call me. Wrong of me perhaps, but i couldn't help it after thinking that perhaps she has strong feelings still ???? i don't know, I'm so confused. Please Help.
Hey Danny,
She is going throw the breakup pain which many people feel only when they realize that their ex is not waiting for them and finally moving on. If you are still in no contact, continue it. Do not discuss your personal life with her yet. If she calls again, answer her, be polite and tell her you need some space and time right now and you will be in touch with her later.
Hey Kevin ..
I know I made a mistake .. but I need your advice ..
(Me and my ex were together for 3 years .. last one we went on and off .. and we had so many fights)
so .. after a month of the break up .. (I contacted him once in yhat month) .. I decided to give myself another shot .. so I called him.. he said he want me out of his life for ever. . That I've lost my chances with him .. and he can't forgive me anymore .. and he doesn't want me to be his friend :(
We talked for half an hour .. then he got mad .. and hang up on me:(
So .. i sent him a message .. telling him that I want to talk to him tomorrow .. he refused .. we ended up texting back a couple of messages .. then he agreed to talk on Skype .. I asked him a couple of questions .. and asked him to be honest .. he agreed .. so this how it went :
-do you miss me sometime?
-him: yes ..
-do you think about me?
-him: sometimes
-do wish that the last year didn't went like this?
-him : yes .. but it happened .. it's too late .. it didn't matter anymore
-have you ever imagined how things would be if the ladt year didn't happened?
-him: of course "and he talked about how he thought it would be " :(
- did you believe that before the last fight we could make things different?
-him: yes .. I wish we could handle it back then ..
-I know now .. I pushed you away ..
-him : yes you did .. but it doesn't matter anymore ..
-did you like my new look?
-him : yes .. you are beautiful
-am I still the most beautiful woman you've ever seen ?
- him : yes you are ..
we talked for hours ..
I told him I didn't like his profile picture on whatsapp (it was a picture of him with one of his female friends) so the next morning he changed it .. he put a picture I took for him on our graduation day ..
and he talked if I ever thought of having sex with him .. I told him yes on our wedding day .. and I talked about how romantic it would be when we finally get married .. we laughed alot .. and it was nice to talk to him again ..
but after that .. we agreed to talk on the next morning ..
on the next morning he had to go and do something .. so when he got back .. he told me that he wasn't comfortable with talking to me ( it's a lie .. he was happy .. I know him enough to say that )
And he want me out of his life forever .. and he'll take his time to think if we can be friends again .. but just friends .. we will never be anything more :( ..
So I asked him not to block me .. and I told him that this will be my way to show him how serious i am to win him back .. he agreed ..
and now .. I can see him online all the time .. I assume that he's talking to a new girl .. because he hates talking on IM .. and yesterday he was up till 5 am .. he rarely stay up like this when we were together (even if I stayed up .. he used to go to sleep early .. but early in the relationship .. he stayed up late for me ) .. but now he can stay up late ? :(
I'm afraid that he's talking to a new girl .. and they aren't in a relationship yet .. that's why he want me out of his life .. so I don't effect his relationship with her .. and that's why he's staying up late ..
I know I shouldn't check up he's last seen .. but I just can't help it ..
what do you think Kevin?
And yes .. I asked to be his friend .. and I used this text from the RR
(So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said, and you’re right, things haven’t been the same between us. We both feel it and i’m actually grateful you were honest enough to bring it up. I think I had known that we were growing apart for a while, but part of me didn’t want to admit it because I was trying to hold onto the idea of all the good times we did have together. And that’s when I realized that we really do have an awesome time just hanging out. But we overcomplicated something great by adding a relationship . That’s why I think it’s a much better idea for us to Must be friends, don’t you agree?)
I sent it .. and I told him to take his time to decide if he want us to be friends .. :(
And that I won't contact him anymore .. unless he talks to me ..
and I told him to till me when he reads it (he didn't) .. and now his online all the time and stuff .. and I'm scared :(
What do you think Kevin?
Mema,
Your conversation with him made it quite obvious that you are still needy and seeking his approval. It's good that you told him that you want to be friends and told him that you will not contact him. I'll suggest you keep your distance for now and stop obsessing over him. Unless you can get rid of your neediness, he won't be attracted to you again. I'd also suggest you go on a few dates.
I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I'm cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I'm trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it's because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace :-D
And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he's someone important in my life :) ..
And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can't remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
He's sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn't comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me?
And how can I get rid of my neediness? :(
Ok, so i am in quite a tricky situation.
Me and my girlfriend split a little over a month ago, more on her part. Before this we met in Australia and when she left i felt i needed to see her again, so the option arose for me to fly back to her country ( Sweden) and live with her. We had been together for a year and a half before we split but i think there were cracks showing in the relationship maybe a year into it. To make things worse i lost my job in the same week we split and right now i can't even move out into my own place because of this. She wont kick me out because she's a kind loving person like that, she still loves me but not like she used to so i know i have something to work on. My problem is that i feel like we cant even have this 30 days cool off period because i can't get away from her! Of course when we first split naturally i felt like i never wanted to move out, i wanted to do all i could to win her back but it mainly resulted in me being upset in front of her. Before reading this article i can honestly say i'm guilty of a lot of the things i shouldn't have done that are listed above, never mind!
So like i say, it's a tricky situation!
Any help would be appreciated
Read this article.
I don't want him back , I just wanna show him that I m really happy without him and if he comes back to me I will take my revenge, I will accept him and then break up with him the very next day..... :)
Hey Kevin
what should I do if i see my ex on the street passing me?
should i talk to her?
Depends. If you have eye contact, you can nod and say hi. If it comes to the point where you have to have a conversation, then keep it short and don't talk about anything personal.
I don't think my comments are going through...
Sorry Xender. For questions, I usually recommend posting in the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I only accept a few of them.
Your advice has been very influential on me as a man. I thank you for this.
It NEVER occurred to me that the reason my ex girlfriend was calling me days after SHE initiated the break up saying things like "Just calling to check up on you" or "I'm just making sure you're holding up" is simply her admitting that she's thinking about me without actually saying it.
Hi Kevin,
I posted before but got no answer please please I really really need your advice :( I'm desperate.
We're both 24 and he broke up 2 month ago. It was painful and messy I was needy and basically made all the mistakes. Went into no contact for 3 weeks tried to follow the plan then broke it last night.
After 4 years he says he doesn't love me anymore and hate that he doesn't because it hurts me and him.
He says (after I broke nc after 3 weeks) that we can't be friend yet because he knows I didn't let go (I hate myself so much for breaking nc) that maybe when he sees that I'm happy maybe even we someone else we can think .
We dont live in the same town, I'm so mad at him and myself and sad how long do I wait, or do I wait till he contact me ? Is there still hope?
Thank you
Do no contact again and follow the plan. Do not contact him unless you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Thank you for this advice I'll do my best. I feel so stupid because I was finally getting myself out of this post breakup depression and now it feels like back to stage 1.
Why does he wants me to find someone else, is there still hope? I'm worried he is gonna move on after that next NC :(
He won't. People say that all the time after breakup. But don't really mean it.
Thank you for your replies,
One last follow up question, he says he doesn't want to see me yet because it hurts, what does he mean by that, what exactly hurts.
Does it means some feelings are still involved on his side?
The breakup hurts Helen. Yes, it means he still has feelings.
i think i can handle all the steps that you have kindly provided. my question is what if you have babies involved, one of them being 4 and is very aware of that person now being gone? and what crazy messages youve sent back and forth (being desperate and needy) have been hate messages?
You can apologize about the hate messages after no contact is over. And read this article for your question regarding babies.
Kevin,
Its been almost six weeks with no contact. Sent the Magic letter a week ago. No response. So I sent a nice text saying I sent a letter, and I hope you are able to read it. It is not sent in anger, just my feelings. Then I wished her a Happy Halloween with her daughter. Our kids have bonded too it is hard missing them so much. Not sure what else to do. The end of the letter said goodbye and good luck as suggested. I think she is really upset by that but I don't know since there has been no response. Any guidance?
Thank you,
Tom
Wait 2-3 weeks, send the text mentioned above. If still no reply, then you should seriously consider moving on.
What if you still live together. How to go from there.
I've written about it in this article.
This does not cover what to do when your boyfriend leaves me while our relationship has been great for a year and he loves you, for his first love who comes back 10 years later and wants another chance. that first love is powerful and he broke up with me and now they are going to see if it will work. how do you deal with that one? how can their 'old young love' work out anyway if it has been over 10 yrs and she has been married and divorced and they are different people? he is telling me he has to find out if he made a mistake all those yrs ago and that he has loved her his whole life?
Hey t.s,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think there's nothing you can do except wait it out and see. Just do no contact for a couple of months. IF after that you still want him, despite the fact that he left you for a "what could've been", then you should contact him. You will probably get an idea if his new thing is working out and if you have a chance. At that moment, you can realize if there's a chance or you should move on.
Where is the right section to tell our history, can you please tell me? I'd like to share my feelings, because i need to move on or change this situation. Something.
You can post on the message boards.
Hi Kevin,
I sent the Magic Letter five days ago. I've had no contact for five weeks. She has not called or contacted me yet. Not sure how to proceed or if she will contact me. Need some guidance.
Tom
Send a text after a couple of days.
What would you say about veiwing your ex's profile even if your doing the "no contact"
You should try not to obsess over it. IF you can't help yourself, it's best to unfriend them, or remove yourself from facebook altogether for a while.
We broke up a week ago..
My girlfriend said she doesn't love me anymore and she is completely over me..
I did all which was possible(begging and asking for a second chance)
I was way too possessive I agree which led to this.
Is is possible to get her back when she has said that she is completely over me?
Our relationship lasted for 4 months.
There's still a chance still. Follow the plan.
i find your advice perfect but there are some points were i didn't know what to do because they did not match my situation like the no contact time
we already lost contact and i've already used two deadly mistakes the last one was that i text ed him apologizing for my mistakes since it was my fault and he replied in a very mean way
and after couple of days i texted him "to check on him" and he didnt reply
p.s his freinds with my sister and they call and text couple of times a week
and he is the kind of men who realy are stubborn
any advice on how to do the no contact time and the hand written letter i cant do that because he is in the army and he is always on the job
he takes off couple of hours a day to hangout and thats it
HELP :(:(:(
Just start no contact again for at least 30 days and instead of a hand written letter send an email.
Hey Kevin
I really need help, I been trying to post this but nothing has ever gone through and im desperate and in need of help I have a daughter involved in all this please. I been with my ex for 5 years and we just recently broke up (technically we didn't break up we got into a fight and he just completely ignored me and I found out 2 days later after our fight through Facebook he started dating someone else) I really don't know that to do I love him so much and he still hasn't even contacted me, not even our 2 1/2 year daughter. I really want out family back I been depressed I cant eat or sleep and lost 15 pounds in just 3 days. What should I do? Pleas e Kevin help me.
And also I filed for child support on him since he wont even get ahold of me to help out with her. Does that ruin my chances of getting him back.
and by the way he's 24 and I'm 25
Hey Hailey,
I am sorry you are going through this. It's OK that you filed for child support. You still have a chance. Follow the plan.
Hey Kevin, I've already submit a message but apparently it didn't go through.
I find this site very helpful and it makes sense. But I would like to have proof it actually works? I mean, there must be reviews about the matter?
Hey CNN,
You can read the testimonials page here. There are also a few success stories in the comments section but they might be a little hard to find.
what if your ex texted you first saying they miss & want you back in those 30 days, do you reply?
It's up to you. If you think you need some space, then you should tell them you need space right now. And hopefully after some time you both can figure things out. If you are absolutely sure getting back with your ex is a good idea, then you should take them back.
Hey Kevin,
After only 3 days of no contact. My ex initiated a conversation. She called. I didn't answer. After the call I got a text. Just wanted to see how you're doing. Have a good night. She said she found someone else. And she doesn't want a relationship. Blah blah. What should I do?
Don't reply. If she keeps on calling and texting, tell her you need some space right now.
great job
hey kevin what if you start sending text messages then she replies to the first once and later doesn't reply anymore
Back off for a couple of weeks and try again.
Hello Kevin,
I have asked a question on this comment board before, but my question was never answered so I hope you have a chance to help me this time.
I was in a 2 year relationship. I don't know if it is important to mention, but I was in a gay relationship, so my ex is a woman (in case it matters in terms of your feedback). Our relationship was very rocky and we were one of those couples who was on and off every two months. This on and off behavior started on the 2nd year of the relationship. And it created a lot of issues that we never worked through. Insecurity and lack of trust being the primary ones. Any argument we had would create a huge issue, we couldn't find a way to work through our problems, which in turn the solution always was - breaking up.
We have broken up again, for the 4th time. This time it feels like it is for good, but I have felt like other times were for good as well and we ended up getting back together. This time she was more determined and it just felt like there was no turning back. It has been two weeks since the break up now. The first week went by and I did relatively well not contacting her, but then saw that she may be going out with someone else and I reached out to her within a week of the break up. I realized that it was a big mistake to have contacted her, to have told her I still lover her, beg her not to leave, etc... So I stopped contact and haven't spoken with her since.
My question is - how does this plan work for a relationship that was so on and off? Do you believe I should give it more time than 30 days of no contact? Do you think I should move on? Any advice would be appreciated.
Hey Sarah,
Yes, I do recommend your no contact should be more than 30 days. Preferably 2-3 months. On and off relationships are unstable for a reason. And unless you are sure of the reason and are sure that you will be able to fix it this time, you shouldn't get back together. She will still have feelings for you after 2-3 months. Especially if she is in a rebound right now. So, I don't think you should really worry about her moving on. If arguments were your biggest issue, you can solve it with a little bit of work. Try reading "Non - Violent Communications" By Marshall Rosenberg. Or try getting individual therapy to solve any underlying issues you might have.
My wife and I have had a rocky marriage, but we just kept going. Finally, in frustration, I walked out almost a year ago. Since then in an effort to reconcile, I've broke all of your rules. I'm really hoping to ge back home, I miss my wife and children desperately.
I like what u said and I just saw my ex I guess what u call it dancing with another kid I know and it was hard to see but I liked what u said. Ps thankyou!
Kevin,
My boyfriend just broke up with me. I couldn't handle it well. I kept crying and crying.
I keep telling myself not to message him. I have no one to turn to now. I stop contacting my friends ever since i was with him.
But it was all my fault. I lied to him about some things. I came clean with him and he said we can go through this together, but no. he said it's too late.
I really want him back and really want to prove to him that i have changed.
What can i do now ? I have no one to confide in.
Follow the plan Xynthia.
Hello,
So I was broken up with a little over a month ago, and was devastated. I googled "how to get him back" and found this website. Thank goodness for this website!!!! I followed all the steps, and on day 32 of "no contact" my ex called me, told me he loves me, and proposed to me!!! This is absolutely true, and I want to thank you for this website. It helped me so much!
Thanks again!
Thank you for your comment Seana. I am glad the website helped. :)
Thanx alot Kevin ..
but I'm very afraid ..
he's acting all fine .. spending time with his friends .. and he looks like he's having fun :( ..
I'm a close friend with his best friend .. (we are talking almost daily .. he's helping me throw these hard times .. and he's making sure for me to follow the plan) .. he told me my ex never mentioned me to him .. he's doing great .. having alot of fun .. and I should move on like he did.. I know this sounds typical from his bff .. but when my ex went out with our mutual friends .. he acted exactly like his bff said :( ..
So I'm really afraid .. that he's very tired from our relationship (all the fights ,the jealousy , the break ups and hurting him ) and he's trying to move on .. :(
And I know that he thinks our relationship ended from the first break up " he was telling a new friend of him that .. and when I asked him why he said so .. he said it was hard to explain what happened the last year to her" .. and I'm afraid that the last year was his way on moving on :(
What do you think Kiven ?
P.s: my ex's bff .. was with our break up at first .. and supported my ex to break up with me .. he thought we were awful together .. and we should break up .. but now .. after knowing me well .. he thinks that I love my ex too much .. and my ex is lucky to have someone like me .. and he even said that he'll never find anyone how will love him like I did ..
I'm keeping him updated on my progress following this 5 steps plan .. I even told him I have a date this week .. is this wrong?
Hey Mema,
I strongly recommend that you stop contact with your ex's best friend. Tell him that as part of your healing, you need to stop all communication from your ex, directly or indirectly. And through him, you are keeping tabs on your ex which is sort of defeating the purpose of no contact. If you are constantly thinking about your ex and his actions, you are not really concentrating on yourself.
You shouldn't really worry about what's going on with your ex at this moment. Simply because there is nothing you can do about it. Even if he is tired of the relationship and trying to move on, you can't stop him. If you try to, you will even make it worse. The best thing you can do is follow the plan, and you are doing that already.
And even if he having fun with his life, doesn't necessarily mean he is over you. It might just mean he is enjoying being single and away from the fighting and the negativity of the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. When you see him again after no contact, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you've changed. And for that, you will have to use this NC period to make some actual changes in your life.
Thanx Kevin .. I'm making huge changes in my life " new look .. new job "passed the interview and they said I can start working from the beginning of the new year" .. soon I'll start my master's degree study "I passed the exam:-D" .. and I'm going to gym" I'm doing great.. and actually I'm having fun .. and I don't talk to my ex's bff about my ex .. we have normal talks usually.. but sometimes when I'm feeling down .. i talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling .. and he cheers me up and encourages me to continue what I'm doing "as my friend not as my ex's bff" .. and that's when he told me that I should move on .. Otherwise we never talk about my ex and what's he doing on his life .. just .. normal conversations ..
So should I really cut him off my life?
I mean he's a friend of mine too .. isn't he?
In that case, you shouldn't cut him off. Just avoid talking to him about the ex.
Hey Kevin ..
I want to ask you this .. my ex wants us to talk dirty on Skype .. he said that I mean nothing to him.. not even a friend .. but he wants us to talk dirty ! "Long distances relationship"
we were texting back and forth today .. "i ended NC after 1 month of break up"
I don't understand .. I'm old fashioned .. and we didn't even have sex before .. and he knows that I don't want to do anything sexual before marriage ..
should I talk to him and during that talk about us? .. or create a new bliss moment with him and never.motion us?
Or I should ignore him?
Plz help asap .. I have 3 hours to tell him my response :(
I'd recommend you ignore him.
And btw .. he will probably block me again after the talk thing :( ..
Hi Kevin,
Great guide. How do you do the face to face meeting if your ex lives abroad? Obviously, it complicates matters. If it simplifies things with background, we had been dating for over 2 1/2 years before she moved abroad for the time being. When breaking up, distance was never a reason, but it more seemed to be collateral damage from acclimating to a new environment. Any advice here would be great.
Thanks!
You start with skype. If things progress and it seems she is interested, then you can plan a trip abroad or for her to visit you.
Hi Kevin,
I think your no contact rule makes a lot of sense, especially about your ex forgetting all of the negative things about you and to work on self improvements. My husband left me about 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure how to apply the no contact rule as he is in contact with me everyday because of the kids. We both only talk about the kids and leave any emotions out of it. Today he came over to see the kids and instigated intimacy. I don't know if I should deny him as part of me thinks that if he is getting it from me, then he won't go elsewhere, but the other part thinks it he could be just using me for sex until he finds someone else. As we are still married, I don't want him to commit adultery whilst we are still married, but on the other hand he could have no respect for me whatsoever.
Hi Kevin,
Could you please clarify how I can proceed with NC when my husband contacts me a few times a day regarding the kids and visits every day to see the kids. What about the sex, is it just to satisfy his needs, or does he feel something for me, he closes his mouth so as not to kiss me. He has told me at least 3 times that he doesn't love me and once he told me that he wouldn't mind if I find someone else. We have been married for almost 8 years. How long should I do the NC and what should I tell him if he wants to initiate sex in the future. Since he left he has come to cut the grass, today I saw him cleaning the cobwebs, he came back after a few minutes of leaving to return a DVD which I had rented for our son and then came back about an hour later to give me some money. He has taken our bin out twice since leaving, but in the month prior to leaving he hadn't touched the bin. Is he doing these things to make me happy so that we can be on good terms for the kids? or could it be something more??
Hey Kevin, i read the site and read people's comments, but i also have a few questions of my own. If my partner told me to never text him/her again because during this "breakup" i guess i called/texted him/her several times(to show that i cared) but it backfired. Of course i read the steps and realized this. So now, he/she told me not to text again and this is their final text towards me. Will this process still work? Is that partner not willing anymore? This relationship have been a long long time now. 7 years about to be 8. Give me some ideas.
Yes, it'll still be effective.
Hi kevin
My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .
Hi kevin
My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.
Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing?
For example "had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face" would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him
Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn't have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I've not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses
As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn't count as breaking no contact.
I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He's been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He's now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I've been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?
Yes, there's still a chance.
My ex broke up with me a week ago. She's 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I'm 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup" we won't be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you.
,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won't ever Break. I'll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won't be forever".
Follow the plan Alex.
We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don't want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can't tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn't get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything.
what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again?
i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.
Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me.
I'm thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now.
I haven't decided if is the best go back to her.
Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
Breakup Pain Healing?
Bad Memories Healing?
Missing Me Badly?
Or Moving On?
And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..
Hey, I'm Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn't make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying.... I try to be happy but it's so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him...
Follow the plan Isabel.
Hello!
So, I'm trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I've only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won't answer if it's ok to mail her earrings, CD's, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won't respond? Also, why she can't answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not?
I'm having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I'm just wasting my time bc I don't have the slightest clue on where she is at.
I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time.
I guess since I broke the "no contact" rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts?
I finally feel that I'm getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I'm making progress, I just don't want to lose this one. I really care about her.
Any and all feedback is much appreciated!
Thanks!
-CCA
You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won't answer to those questions.
1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that's connecting her to you.
2. She doesn't want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.
Brief overview.
-Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying "if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision....we need time to heal....maybe someday we can be friends" Didnt understand the "cut me out of your life..." mixed with "need time to heal" attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I'm now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to "hunt her down" so to speak. She's used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.
Hey Kevin,
Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can't tell you if it's worth pursuing or not, it's for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it's worth pursuing. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know that you tried and it'll be easier for you to move on.
Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site.
I'm struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) .
Summary of what happened:
We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance.
He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he'd try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back.
In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn't been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn't end things with me though. We didn't break up but things didn't really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he's never visited which really upset me.
Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said " no, my career's more important right now." We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn't respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn't respond. it's been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven't contacted him again...no begging.
I'm not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn't respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he's already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn't willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with.
Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I'm just really not sure how to do this anymore.
Hey,
You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn't reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.
What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it't been two months and I've had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I'm not going to convince him if he doesn't feel the same? That I'm doing this for myself so that I don't have regrets?
Or do I contact him casually, ask how he's doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.
Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn't change anything.
Anjali move on. Look around for person who loves u since ur boy friend do not care u. Even I had break up with my girl friend I begged her to forgive me but she treated me as like a road side dog now I'm alone and trying to forget her. So bottom line stop thinking ur bf and search people who love u. Thanks
hai thank you so much first it was very useful article...u r genious
Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn't what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn't realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it's over, because she loves me, but is not 'in love' with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won't try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.
Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.
Chris that is exactly the situation that i am in but my relationship is still in honeymoon stage. Problem is, she is un-affectionate which drives me crazy and raises my insecurities.
I am not a insecure guy in any form but now i am second guessing myself all the time. Its driving me crazy. She hates the way i am acting now and tells me ive gone all weird.
But i feel i have a very valid point here, she is cold... like ice cold... It feels like she has lost the spark or that is what i am making up in my head.....
See where i am at, i need to somehow revert back to me default setting but she said that she has been in relationships like this and it never improves and people dont change.
I played house with her to make sure that our amazing relationship flourishes and we can get use to each other....
The kicker is that the normal me, stock standard is what she wants but.... she is still cold, never use to be like this.... I am going mad..... I am all up in my own head arguing and debating......
The advice youve given makes complete sense and i will follow it verbatim.
Question: The last communication was not what i will call a high note, Can you leave on a sour goodbye? Wont that last communication resonate and come up as a memory at the next meeting?
I have been in so many relationships and never gave the full monty, Treat them mean keep them keen and its worked for i dont know how long... With my current GF, i see a future and i gave in to my reservations and played open cards to ensure that there is no secrets between us. She respected that but it feel like i traded my 4x4 in for a Scooter.... I feel unarmed and fueled with her un affectionate nature, i start craving hugs and kisses and opening the doors to my insecurities...
Wow, how complicated is this, i am so perplexed and confused and it feels that every move i make pushes her further away.
Please can someone give me some perspective, I need advice or someone to tell me what to do, i feel like a novice... Bazaar!!!
That is it for the -unhappy hour... :)
Thank you
Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.
Hey Aice,
Read this article.
In my opinion you should dress good and try to ignore him. It will be hard for few days but when he will start noticing you that you have stopped thinking and looking at him he will start noticing u...
Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I'm not sure why hasn't been posted. I'm not sure if it just did't go through and I should post again.
Thanks
Hi Kevin,
I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved.
She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn’t want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn’t officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me.
Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I’m not sure if it applies here because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about here. Again, she hasn’t broken up with me at this point. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
No.....see this happened to me my boyfriend didn't talk to me after he hurt me. For a girl its irritating when you tell someone something and you think they don't listen the best thing to do is talk about it tell her how you feel if you become vulnerable to her and share your thoughts it will make her more understanding
Thank you Brook.
Giver her space, but don't cut her off completely. If she calls or texts, reply to her. Don't pressure her into anything. If she decides to break up, follow the plan.
Hey again Keven ..
i told you before about my ex .. We've been together for 3 years ..
We broke up 2 weeks ago .. and i started NC immediately .. anyway ..
i ran into him today ..
he was with a friend of us .. I said hi .. he said hi back .. I talked to our friend for a minute .. he stod aside .. acting like he met a stranger .. and didn't say a word ..
what does this mean?
Doesn't really mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
I couldn't help myself .. I sent him a message .. I tried to make it casual .. told him that we are not strangers and if he had a free time we should meet .. and it'll be fun .. but he didn't answer me .. So .. I acted needy and desperate again .. sending him tons of messages .. at first they were all funny and friendly .. still no answer .. finally .. I told him as a joke .. I'm gonna kill myself .. when he didn't reply .. I sent him a photo .. me holding pills .. and said I'll take them all .. but even that didn't change anything .. and he did not call or even text me!
I feel like he doesn't care anymore about me :(
Well Mema, as you might have guessed, what you did was a huge mistake. He probably knows you were just acting out of desperation and desperation is unattractive, which is the reason why he didn't want to reply.
You should start no contact again. This time, don't make any mistakes. And make sure you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.
Ok I'll .. I hope that I still have a chance with him .. we were amazing together .. and I wish that never ended ..
I know he was tired from all the problems .. and from being hurt each time he came back to me .. but I really want to change in order to give this amazing relationship a last chance ..
starting NC again .. and I'm sure i can check the list soon .. :-D
I'm hoping I'm not to late .. but I'll do my best ..
Thanks alot Kevin ..
wish me luck .. I really want things to work between us :(
Kevin .. I've posted before all the details about my relationship "long version of my story" .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
in which stage of healing process you think he's in? ..
Breakup Pain Healing?
Bad Memories Healing?
Missing Me Badly?
Or Moving On?
He is in the initial stage. Don't worry about it, he is not going to move on during no contact.
What if your ex's birthday is around the corner, should I say happy birthday?
You can text, but keep it short.
hello Kevin.
My story is long, just like i'm Shaw many of your devoted followers relationship stories are so ill keep this short and if you want to hear the full story ide love to tell it and love to get everyone's input..
I will start with a sincere thankyou to you Kevin Thompson, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. When my ex of 7 years broke up with me I was on the boarders of suicide, I don't want to go into it in detail but killing myself was only days away.
As I said ill keep it short for now,
I signed up for you email counselling and just this one thing is what saved my life. Kevin your emails gave me one thing to look forward to every day, at a time when everything in life seems pointless and you feel like there's nothing worth living for just knowing your going to receive a motivational email every few days is lifesaving.
So thank you: Kevin "lifesaver" Thompson.
PS: Things between my ex and I haven't worked out the way I would have wanted it to, on the 24th of October it will be 3 months since my ex left me, im still trying to get her back but she is an extremely head strong individual with a few emotional walls to break down. I have the up most faith that with kelvins coaching along with the other information he provides normal female would have been begging to have me back in her life but my ex is special (that's why I love her so)..
thank you
tim
Thank you so much for your comment Tim. I am glad this website and the email were helpful.
I stayed no contact, and then wrote the suggested letter. It's been a week but still no reply. What should I do, just move on now?
Send a text as mentioned in the article.
Kevin,
I thought your article and advice were unusually level-headed and insightful. My ex and I split up in mid June (more than 4 months ago), after a very unpleasant spat in a restaurant. No shouting, no throwing of drinks into faces, just very tense and unpleasant, and it was my fault. I had never seen her so upset as after that encounter. Our relationship had been deteriorating in the previous months and things had been getting more and more testy. We still see each other occasionally socially (we have a lot of mutual friends), and in those circumstances are on civil and even friendly terms. But we are not in contact -- she cut off contact the day after the restaurant thing.
I love her and want to win her back. I'm confident that I'll handle her and things much differently and more effectively -- if I get the chance. I observed the No Contact rule for more than two months, and since then have sent a couple of friendly notes -- one a thank-you after she picked up something I had dropped, and one saying that I had enjoyed a brief but friendly chat we had had the day before. Two weeks ago I sent a long note acknowledging some of my faults, and last week I wished her happy birthday.
She hasn't responded to any of these messages. So I wait, and wonder what else to do. I guess I will eventually decide what other options I have, and whether it's better to just move on.
Trying to stay positive and to keep a stiff upper lip.
Hi Kevin
It has been 7 months since my split and I have just finished my 30 day no contact and I'm feeling good. Trying to reattract him via texts and every response I get is negative. Can I have a little advice on how to approach this situation?
Hey Marie,
In that case, you should do no contact again for a month.
My ex and I broke up yesterday after a 1-month relationship. I'm a female (25) and she is a female (37 years old). The reason was that we were fighting and she is very sensitive and every fight is very bad for her emotional health. So she broke things off. She knows I deal with break ups via no contact so she told me she wasn't going to contact me until I decided to contact her, if I decide at all. Does that make no contact pointless for getting her back?
Nope, it doesn't.
I told my ex I need to keep a good distance from him for a while, but you mentioned not to tell them in this article, so what should I do?
That's alright. Don't worry about it.
Hello,
I have found this article really settling. I am chosing to take the advise and have the perspective of space to really improve myself and be happy. One thing different is that my boyfriend and I are just on a 'break'. He made the call as I was struggling to trust after he had done something a while ago that broke the trust, and I also found myself because of trust issues feeling anxious with separation.
He made it clear that it was not a 'break up' and that we were still girl friend and boyfriend and are not to hook up with others, but we are not to act like couples and to have space. I now see the benefits for me with the break (which was not given a time frame) so I can break that attachment and become confident in myself again, but I don't feel like it will help my trust with him.
I have used this time to really work out what upsets me and triggers my unability to trust, but what would you suggest to make this work ? How should I go about getting him to change as well.
He also has an event at his work on in a week that I have helped him get numbers for (which he really needed). If I and my friends don't go there won't be as many people. Do I still go and just not communicate with him? Just so I show respect for him by still helping with numbers or do I just ditch.
You should go to the event. You can even communicate with him but don't talk about anything personal and keep conversations short.
When you are ready to get back in touch, you can lay out clearly what you require from him in the relationship and what are your expectations. If he is unwilling to put in any effort, then tell him both of you should continue the break for a little while more.
Hey again Kevin ..
well .. i didn’t give you much details about my relationship at the first post .. so .. here is the whole story ..
i met my boyfriend 4 years ago at university .. and he had a crush on my .. so .. he told me that .. and after 6 month .. we told each other that we love each other ..
so .. that’s how the best 3 years in my life started ..
alot of people were against our relationship .. but we didn’t care .. we loved each other ALOT .. and we were having the best time ever ..
A year ago .. we were under alot of pressure in the college because it was our graduation year.. and we fought alot .. so i asked him to break up .. and agreed to be friends .. but after a month i told him it was a mistake and i want him back .. but he said that he don’t love me anymore and he’s happy without me .. i asked for another chance .. he didn’t accept and .. we were friends .. but we acted like we are more than that .. so after a month .. he told me that he loves me .. we dated for 6 months .. but he told me that he’s not ready for commitment but when he’ll be ready .. I’m the only one he wants to be with .. so we never talked about getting married “we did alot the first 2 years” .. then we had a big fight .. and didn’t talk for a week .. a mutual friend told him that im seeing another guy “i wasn’t! And IDK why she did this to us” so he told her he’s doing thae same .. and she told me .. so i contacted him and do all the deadly mistakes .. he gave me a rough week .. but at the end .. he told me that he loves me .. and there’s no other girl that he want to be with .. but it was to make me jealous .. so .. we were dating again .. but he was spending much more time with his friends .. and i wasn’t ok with that .. so .. one time i got made alot .. called and yelled at him .. and say bad things about him and his friends .. and hang up on him. .. then i released that i was over reacting and called him again .. but no answer .. he didn’t answer me for a week and i was calling non stop .. at last i talked to a friend of him .. and we met twice .. had a great last date .. and he told me that he loves me at the end but i think it slipped out from him and he did not want me to find out that he still do .. so .. i started NC for 2 weeks .. then he called .. telling me to go out with him on a date .. i said .. ok .. and it was amazing .. at the end .. we got back together .. and talked about getting married and stuff again .. this went for 2 and a half months .. then we had a big fight and he broke up with me .. i did all the deadly mistakes again .. and after 2 weeks .. he unblocked me .. and i did the same .. so .. he talked to me .. as friends .. but after a while he told me that he loves me .. but i played hard to get .. so .. we went away with my friends for 2 days .. and he was romantic and sweet .. and planned a romantic surprise for me .. so i told him i love him back and i want us to get back together .. and he was like :”oh wait .. what? .. i love you but i don’t want to be with you again! ” .. so we talked for hours .. and we agreed on giving ourselves time to work on our relationship ..and .. it was great .. for a week.. then he was busy for 2 days .. and on th 3rd day .. he had time .. so he decided to spend it with his friends not with me .. when he got back .. i was mad .. told him that im breaking up with him this time not him .. and some other stuff i regret now :( .. he blocked me on all social media and IM .. :( ..
and at last he was really mad .. and told me .. “do you really think that i would talk to you ever again after all the things you said?” ..i apologised next day .. he said that he forgive me but he want me out of his life and after our last call .. i started the NC .. now I’m at day 10 .. he didn’t try to contact me yet :( .. I’m working on my self .. but still I’m afraid that i screw up and that i have no more chance with him ..
what do you think Kevin? :(
Is there any hope?
I know he loved me alot before but now .. i don’t feel that anymore :(
Hey,
I think you do have a chance. But you guys have a lot of issues you need to work on. I'll recommend you do no contact for at least 3 months before contacting him. This will give you the time and space to figure out what was wrong with the relationship and whether getting back with him is a good idea.
Hi,
my ex and I were together for 2 years and never had any major issues, but I broke his trust. In April, when my current ex and I were still together, my other ex contacted me, and I replied. My boyfriend found out and we went on a break, he then decided to give me another chance, but last week, I saw my old ex out, and I spoke to him, just to say hello, and not be rude, and my boyfriend broke up with me over it. I was angry and walked out as I hadn't done anything wrong, but them I made the mistake of contacting my ex and we were flirting. I only did it because I was angry. My boyfriend found out and now said he won't give me another chance as he gave me one before and I still broke his trust. I know this all seems very confusing, but if I follow your steps, do you still think I have a chance of working things out with him, even though at the moment, he says he definitely doesn't want to get back together?
Thank you!
Hi,
So my girlfriend and I recently broke up after seven years of dating. At first it was mutual, be both felt "off" and honestly I felt like I could use some time alone. So I planned to move out (we both moved from the same city to the one our university is in, my schooling is done now). But then my plans to move out were cancelled and I started having second thoughts and I brought up giving it another shot, but she had already (within days) found someone new.
This hit me harder than I expected and I did what every relationship guru says not to do and I turned into a... well, you get the point. She now had all the power. The reason she wanted to keep trying things with this new guy and not give me another chance was my fault. I took her for granted. Let the relationship go stale. Let myself go. I was stupid, basically, and you know how it goes... don't know what you have until it’s gone.
We're still living together (so NC is impossible for now) but I am moving out within the next few days. I plan on doing the things I've read here, it's just that there will now be six hours between the two of us making some aspects difficult, long distance and all. Also, I wasn't close with her best friend, so texting her wouldn't work... although I may find a way to stumble into one of her other friends at work.
I'm worried about the guy. He is the total opposite of me. He's extremely extroverted whereas I am introverted, which is where a lot of the trouble came from -- I couldn't handle doing some things out in public (she mentioned my weirdness about PDA). I'm working on it though. I'm coming out of my shell. But this guys is taking her to do all the things I foolishly never did. She says she really really likes him.
Just a moment ago she sat down by me to talk, heard me clacking away at the keyboard and asked what I was up to. Said I was chatting with someone and she assumed it was a girl. Asked multiple times who she is. I didn't say, because I am not a liar, I will however omit some things. I told her she should do something this coming weekend so I could have the apartment to myself. She asked if it was to have someone over, I didn't lie, just shrugged. In reality its when I plan on moving out and I don't want her there for that. So she said, "I guess we never really would have worked out since you moved on so quick." I asked her how often she thought of me and she said, "Not really much. How much do you think of me?" And I felt like this was a trap. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth. That she is the first thing I think about when I wake and last thing when I go to sleep. But I didn't, kept my cool, and shrugged with an "eh." This was... impossible to do. I wanted so badly to tell my feelings.
A little while later she came out and was completely different towards me. Cold, silent, obviously angry. Having her get a little jealous seems like a good thing, but having her angry doesn't seem like it is very productive. Wouldn't that just push her into the other guys arms more? She talked normally to me after hanging out with him as well, so that sucked. All I can think of is that affection I once received going elsewhere. I'm so used to hugging her and everything... I'm lost.
I apologies for how long this is, I guess I've been looking for someone to say all this to and now it's all coming out. I'm hoping for assurances, but what I really want is the hard truth, your opinion on my luck in the future. Anything.
And during NC I plan to work on myself, physically and emotionally. Right now I feel like she's a drug, and I don't want to see her again until I can be confident in myself enough not feel that way.
I could really use some help Kevin
Hey,
You do have a chance and her relationship is probably a rebound. But like I say in the article, you should be prepared for the worst and accept the fact that even if she doesn't come back, you are going to be OK.
I am so miserable right now. I've been in a rebound relationship for 4 months.. And the worst part is that he broke up with me, when I actually started feeling something special for him.
Hi Kevin,
I don't know if you still have my previous comments from before but if I explain the whole story it would take hours. So long story short, I saw my ex again and he apologised for everything saying he panicked when he felt things getting serious. As it's long distance I was only able to spend two weeks with him and from the beginning of those two weeks we got the romance thing back on track. We obviously weren't as close as before but we were still pretty close and he said he was really happy to have me back here. Throughout the two weeks we had a few ups and downs but we got through them. But by the last day something happened and everything took a turn for the worst. He didn't even come to say goodbye. It's been nearly seven weeks and I haven't even tried contacting him and he hasn't contacted me either. I'm scared of making things worse if that's even possible. I got him back then lost him again in the space of two weeks. I'm completely stuck and have no idea where to go from here.
Contact him Sarah. If things don't work out, at least you'll know it's over for sure and you can concentrate on moving on.
Hi Kevin,
I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved. She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn't want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn't officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me. She couldn't go one hour without texting me before. Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I'm not sure if it applies here because I don't want her to think that I don't care about here. Again, she hasn't broken up with me at this point. Thanksl
This is a question for contacting him. If he doesn't have a cell phone how do I contact him once the no contacting period is done?
Email, facebook or a hand written letter.
Hi Kevin,
My wife broke up with me and left me heartbroken last August after 12 years, we have a Kid, and he is 9 years old.
Your stapes looks all wreaths going for it, and I do indeed thank you for that. However, do you have something for me with a kid still living with his mam, and he is reaching out to get two hared headed people together.
I looked at the relationship as a dream with some nightmares, and she now looks at it as a nightmare with some dreams. I still love her, she stopped.
I lived for the past 3 years in the UK, for my medical training, and she lives in the Netherlands. we had before a lot of problems starting from the financial problems and we couldn't do every things we wanted, and I did not come up with what I promised her to do, that is one of the reasons I moved to London.
She is now with someone we meet at a holyday, he left his family too, and that was just 2 months ago. I extremely over reacted, to the point that my heart stopped and letter had a mini stroke.
And then, when I found out she slept with this man, I made it worst then you could visualize with letters, phone calls and text messages and it is now a mass , she does not want to talk to me .
Nevertheless, when I am on the phone with my son, she is always there and now the phone is always on speaker. She is now anger of me, fearful of me and disappointed, and me too of her and me.
Till me what to do ? I am lost
Hey David,
Follow the plan. Don't talk to her unless it's about your kid. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After a month of no contact, send the letter mentioned above apologizing for your actions.
Hey. After my girlfriend forgave me for past mistakes she finally took me back. We were even talking about getting a place together until she found pictures of another ex on my phone. Now she blocked my number and won't talk to me. I've done all the mistakes you outline...now what?
Do no contact for a while. Give her time to calm down. If she doesn't unblock you in one month, send her an email.
Hi Kevin,
I want to start the NC period, but my ex and I work at the same place. What do do? -Thanks
Read this article.
Hey Kevin,
I feel as though I'm in a very complicated situation.
My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, saying that she couldn't see herself with the person I was at the time. But I also found out that she had developed feelings for one of my friends in the past 2 weeks. They had known each other and talked for about 2 years now.
During these past 2 weeks, I've realized and accepted that I wasn't a very good boyfriend to her, and I am able to see how she lost interest. During these same 2 weeks, I've also made grand attempts at showing her that I understand her and that I want to change, not just for her, but for myself. We hung out one weekend post breakup, I took care of her while she was sick, we also engaged in sex once.
Hey Denny,
Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she says no, tell her you need some space and time to accept the breakup and start no contact.
Hi I think your website is really helpful just what I need right now.my problem is I have been in this relationship for 3 months, I came into this relationship straight from a previous relationship with trust issues.I kept texting this partner thinking he was lying to me even tho he wasint it got that bad that he said it can't go on like this and I need time on my own to have fun go out with friends etc and to get my life back.he said this is just as hard for him as it is for me as he really likes me and I really like him aswell.he said this texting was the only problem so I asked him if I got myself sorted out would he be intrested in starting again he said he wouldint say no.I know he is right I do need space to sort myself out.I've not spoke to him since just wondered how long you think I should wait before I get in contact with him its been 2 weeks now but I am doing really well I've been following the steps on your website just starting to look after myself.I do miss not spending time with him but I know when i feel ready it will be all worthwhile.
Hi think your information is what I need right now.I met a really nice guy was with him for 3 months but had gone straight from a previous relationship into this one with trust issues from previous relationship now I look back I can see how stupid I've been I was keep sending this bf messages all the time thinking he was lying to me but really he wasint.he told me there wasint a future the way that I am that I need space on my own for a bit which I know is true, he said that's the only reason he wanted to break up he really does like me as I really like him,he says this is just as hard for him as it is me but i did say to him if I sorted myself out, sorted my head out would he be intrested in trying again he said he wouldint say no.I know its me I have to get hold of my life start having fun, be happy and try and forget what happened in pass.we have been doing the no contact, how long do you think i should wait till I get back in contact with him.I am doing really well I've been following your information.
Hey all!
When my ex and I broke up I came onto this site because I was desperate, I didn't know what to do.
Its been 1.5 months since we broke up and last night we got back together. I can honestly say that everything that Kevin talks about is true, between the no-contact period and working on yourself and becoming a happier person, I can honestly tell you 100% that this website changed my life. Kevin's idea of working on yourself and becoming happier not only helped me to get my ex back, but it also helped me to turn my life around and really let me be happy with who I am.
I wish all of you the best of luck with your endeavours! Just remember, even when things are tough and seem hopeless, you've just got to stay strong and perceiver. They always get better!
Thanks so much Kevin! You've completely changed my life!
Thank you A.S for sharing your story. Good luck with your relationship. :)
Kevin...
I am facing an out of the world relationship problem
We had a relation for 7 months..... I really really loved her from the core of my heart and she knows it even she accepted my marriage proposal but suddenly things have changed. From her point of view, she said that she is internally ill and if she died i would miss her so she act completely opposite. she has limited her texts, giving lame excuses when asked her to call her.... she said she have to be away from me.... She said she is tired of to be alive. she said she is no longer that lively girl she can not smile and she can not love someone.... Please leave me....
I had to go to no contact period. I convinced her sometimes but after 1 or 2 days she act the same..........
I don't know what I have to do to realize her that this life is not being tired of. She said she is still love me but we can no longer to stay with each other
I have to get her back. I want her.
I don't know Kevin what to do.......... Plz help
Hey,
I replied to your comment here.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I have been together for two and half years. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. I was happy and he was too. When we started dating after a year i introduce him to my family, he also introduce me to his aunt, cousins and friends. All this people immediately like me and the person i am. All that was good. We get along great and care about each other so much. The last time we were together was mid August when we went out with friends. We were happy and i spent the night with him. There was no complaint of any kind. The only thing that he has complain about would be that i don't listen to him or i am immature. I admit that i have a stubborn bone in me, but i was changing because i understand what he was saying. With every thing said two weeks after we went out in mid August, in September he decided to tell me he needed space. I asked him do you want to break up completely or is there another interest, he said no. I knew he had met someone else because it wasn't like him to want space. I agree with him with the space thing. yesterday i went to do my hair at his place, because his room mate is my stylist, After doing my hair i persist to go to his room, there i found out the truth. The truth is he has someone else and she living with him. I was her clothes and shoes in the closet and her picture too hanging. I was heartbroken and mad, so i decided to wait for him and confront him. We talked and he told me what ever in saw in his room is true. That he has been seeing her for two months, but didn't know how to tell me or break my heart because he didn't want to hurt me that's why he just say to me he needed a break. We were happy together and everybody that see us knew that we both were in love and care for each other. I was shocked, hurt, and so many question coming in my head. He said he met her in January at a friends party and they have been talking, but started dating now. They have been dating for two months and already she is living with him. I asked him why she is living with him, he said it just temporally she is looking for her own place. I am definitely hurt and don't know what to think. I need help.
Help me kevin. I need him back and i would do anything to get him. He is a good man and the only person that i have love like this. He has so many characteristics that i loved about him. Help me.
Hey JM,
I think you should think things through before getting trying to get him back. Do no contact for at least 2 months. You do have a chance to get him back, but you need to stop being needy and desperate and follow the plan. He cheated on you. He is the type of person who has been emotionally cheating on you since January. That is not a characteristic of a good man.
hallo.my name is ilias.i am a doctor in bulgaria.i had a relationship for one year and 8 months.she has a son from his ex-husband but i was for that kid like dad.i love them so much and i make a big mistake.the mistake was that-we started a reconstruction at her grandfather apartament with the help of her parents.but when she wants to buy something i can not refuse.the mistake was that i stole from the summary that her parents gives 500 euro to bought the thinks that she wants for the apartment.i apologise and sorry at her parents and to her but she does not want me back form yesterday.before yesterday she said that she will give me a change but i have to earn it and to proof myself.but from yesterday she says that she does not love me.but untill two days she said to me and to our friend that she loves me and cry.what can i do to earn her back?thank you
i want to thank you kevin if you help me.thank u.ilias
Hey Ilias,
Do no contact for a while. If she calls you, tell her you need some time to deal with the breakup and you will contact her after some time. Follow the plan. You have a pretty good chance of getting her back. All the best.
She wrote me and she said that i am a lier and thief and everything between us is over for ever.what can i do?
Don't reply. Do no contact and follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
Thanks so much for your website and replying to every email. I am a blogger myself and I know it's really tough work. You've completely amazed me.
Anyway, since you get so many comments I am not going to make this longer. On to the point:
I have done EVERYTHING wrong (as you could have guessed) since he broke up with me last Tuesday (been 9 days now). I've discussed the relationship and told him I wanted him back, are in contact with him all the time, etc.
We lived together. He moved out within two days. Rent was expiring and we both needed to move, so I am moving out of here as well.
However I didnt have a car. He owns two and I just used one of them. Now I am stuck in the house (cant walk from here anywhere) unless he lends me his car, who is using for the move (the other one he cant use for moving stuff). So I need to text him and ask him about his plans to know when I can use it.
Also, he still comes sometimes to the house to pack more stuff and I am here (I work from home) and see him. My birthday was yesterday and we went out for dinner together (ended up doing what we shouldnt). And on top of that we have a birthday party on Saturday where we both need to go. Not only it'll be super rude not to do it but also I prefer to hang out with friends than be on my own in the house.
Reading this I can see the best is No contact. Plus it makes total sense since the reason he broke up with me probably had to do with that (we worked at home both, saw each other 24 h/day and basically I have no life out of him or my work, which again, is at home).
The problem is that I am going to see him on Saturday, I will need the car this week for moving stuff, I will need his help to move a couple of pieces of furniture that I can't move myself, etc.
Shall I just wait to start No contact when I am completely moved? Once in my new apartment I wont need the car (therefore I wont need to contact him to ask him if I could use his) or him and then I can do no-contact for a month.
Thanks so much
Hey Blanca,
I think you should keep limited contact till then and start no contact once you are on your own. Limited contact means only talking to him about things that are necessary and keeping it short and to the point. Don't be rude, but don't open up to him and show him how much you still love him. All the best.
Thanks SO much!
xo, B.
first of all you are an angel Kevin ,
your emails id changed me in a very good way i start to understand things i never thoughts i will be able to understand it,
I really wish to meet you :) .
yes i will not try to contact her but she keep block and unblock ,last time she unlooked me i sent her farewell email in good way she didn’t replay at all i think i should not sent it ,as she keep my brother in her FB AND SHE NEVER block him , let see wht will happen in her birthday next week ,
BEST REGARDS,
ADAM
Thank you Adam. Good Luck. :)
hi Kevin,
today is her birthday should i sent her message or a call ,
since im sure she is expecting me to do or contact her family ?
please advice ..
Just send a text. Keep it short.
OUR ANGEL ,
good day to you!!
I sent a short message but from other number no sign from her at all ,
but in her birthday in the morning she an block my FB and my wahtsapp for few mints ,Kevin i dont know what to do she never be so hard and never change her mind and i have a felling she is still in her city she did not move as she tried to tell me ,its so hard felling i really need an advice i can accept she pass me but not this way ..
please
Hey Adam,
You have to stop obsessing over her so much. You should not be checking your facebook and whatsapp so much that you know when she is unblocking you. You should be going out and having fun with your life. Try to remove her from your contact list so you are not constantly checking on her. Do no contact for a month or two and try checking again after that.
Hi Kevin,
I posted a comment on one of your blogs but I guess it didn't go through so I'm gonna tell you about my situation. My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a week ago after being with him for 16 months. Im 23 and he’s 26. He said he has thought it through and wants to be friends. I am so heartbroken that it has been so difficult for me to do school work and everything else. He’s someone I truly love and I thought we had something special. He was someone who I thought I was going to marry someday. He told me he loved me and would never leave me, well I guess I got fooled on that one. We did talk about our future about getting married and what not and so I need help in showing him what he’s missing and see how lucky of a wonderful woman he had in his life. So I need help in getting him back permanently. To also add that he told me that he can’t imagine his life without me and it would be weird if I wasn’t in his life anymore so I don’t know if that means something or not. Thanks Kevin.
Follow the advice in the article Krista.
Hey Kevin ..
I've already posted a comment before.. but didn't find it .. so .. here it's again :-D
I've been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years .. We've been on and off for a year now .. couple of days ago I told him I couldn't take it any more .. because he's always busy with he's friends.. and we ended up yelling at each other .. and ending our relationship for the 10th time maybe in a year .. he blocked me on all the social media , im and phone ..
But .. i still love him .. and he told me a weeks ago that he loves me too .. but he can't take the idea of us getting back together any more .. cuz I'm putting too much pressure on him and we had oue chances.. I've already started the NC role .. after apologising for him for all the yelling.. but I don't know if it's the best way for my situation .. i want him to re-appreciate me .. and the NC roll worked for us before .. but I'm sick of using it each time we have a fight .. plus, we keep breaking up for the same reasons everytime because he refuse to change !!
What do you think?
I think you should think things through this time and make sure that if you get back together, it's because you are sure you will have a great relationship together. Work on your communication skills meanwhile and before getting back together, be very specific about what you expect from the relationship and if he is not willing to provide it be ready to walk away.
When we got back last time .. it was 2 months oh honeymoon .. then at first fight .. everything went wrong again .. I'm trying to get over my jeolsy issue .. and actually .. I'm starting to see it a stupid thing .. but it's too late now .. i don't want to lose him .. it's been amazing 3 years .. and I'm afraid that i already have :(..
He moved back to his town 4 months ago .. and I'm doing the NC for almost 2 weeks .. but a mutual friend told that he'll be in town next week .. should i contact him ? :(
Don't contact him. If he contacts you, reply. But don't meet him yet. Tell him you need some space and time and like I said before, do no contact for a while.
Ok .. I'll continue the NC .. but do you think i gave a chance with him?
I've posted the details in a comment but i didn't find it .. do i really have hope after all the issues we had?
Hi Kevin,
I'm so confused?? My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after talking for a year and dating for a year. He said that he loved me but wasn't "in love "with me. I don't believe him because I know that he has been hurt before and is afraid to let his guard down. He tells me all the time that I'm the one and all his friends love me. Now all of the sudden he wants to take a break and see if this is what he really wants? and all I want to is talk about the problems and wrong through them? What should I do? Do I not talk to him for 30 days. Was I living a lie? I do believe in my heart of hearts that he does really love me. Is there Hope???
There is hope. Follow the 5 step plan. If he still loves you, this plan will work.
Kevin,
What is the difference between loving someone and being "in love"? And even though my boyfriend told me that we need a break, do you think he would say that is we really didn't stand a chance? Was that is way of letting me down easy?
I'm having a really hard time with the NC rule, even though we haven't talked i'm still so depressed and all I want to do is cry. I go out with friends all the time and i'm okay until I get home. I can't even bring myself to look at another man. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? I have been like this for 3 weeks and the pain just keeps getting worse.. PLEASE HELP
Hey Ray,
It means different thing to different people. In most cases, when someone is unsure of their feelings, they say this. I think that was the case with your ex. I can't be sure (since I can't read his mind) so don't just take my word for it.
I understand how you are feeling and I can assure it gets better with time. I'll recommend that you start keeping yourself busy at home as well. There are tons of things you can do. Read books on self-improvement. Practice a skill or a hobby that you like. Meditate. Slowly you should start imagining a future without him in your life. Once you reach that point, you will be feeling much better. I will also recommend you don't end no contact even after 30 days if you still feel miserable and you don't satisfy the checklist in Step 4 above.
Hello Kevin,
My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago and has been ignoring me constantly. We saw each other on a friend's party on friday and she smiled but we didn't speak. She did send me 2 texts on whatsapp but I decided it was best to not respond. This Friday would have been our 1 year anniversary. So I break NC to send a tiny message of any sort or not?
No. You shouldn't contact her on your anniversary.
Hi kevin heres my situation I need help instantly, my ex broke up with me 3 days ago because I made to many mistakes drunken texts to other women and mistakes during the relationship I know I want and need her back ive already made quite a few mistakes before reading this she says she moved on but I begged for her back saying I could change just wondering what I could do from now onwards? Ill do whatever it takes and I know you cant promise me anything but its worth a risk afterall atm she just says no more chances ive moved on and so should you I think shes moved on to try and protect herself so it doesnt hurt as much and she tells me to f**k off everytime I try and show her ive changed I need help immediately thanks kevin.
Follow the plan kall.
hey! can anybody please tell me, why aren't my post are shown here, when I'm trying to post something about my problem?? I really need help.. please :(
Hello Kevin and everyone else :),
(Sorry if there are any mistakes, English isn't my native language)
First of all to Kevin: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your blog but also your emails were the only thing that prevented me from loosing (completely) my mind.
My boyfriend of 4 years decided to end up things about a month ago, it was very difficult and painful for the both of us. I went trough all the stages possible and I'm afraid I made a fool of myself although he is used to and very patient with my nevrosis :p. We are best friends and our relationship used to be very very strong (its our first relationship as a matter of a fact), so it was the most devastating time when he told me he needed space to sort out his feelings and himself, etc. He is going trough some kind of life crisis having started his first job and having to deal with growing up and responsabilities (we're both 24). He is cutting himself from his familly and long time friends as well. I went to see him to talk about the break up and say goodbye, it was very touching, but I noticed that the more dettached I acted the more concerned he seemed, trying to reasure me and everything. He admitted that he is afraid of loosing me forever but that he also wants me to be happy and can't be selfish enough to call this a break and have me waiting without knowing.
I went into no contact for 2 weeks after that meeting but then something silly happened and I did the mistake of seeing him again for a few hours (making a fool of myself imo as I cried at some point of the conversation). It was like he was trying to protect himself and I, by being colder this time but he cried again at some point (he is really not the type of personn that cries easily) after we had some fun time talking to each other about life like we always do.
He told me that more than anything he needed me to be ok and to respect his need for time to himself for now, that his feelings were too confused, that he has love but that what he felt before had decay.
I read all your emails and article and I know what went wrong, I still believe like you that attraction can be rebuilt, when he is ready for it, eventhough I also know I have to sort of move on in the meantime.
Anyway I'm starting over again the NC, my question is can it still work? I'm very worried that because I messed it up once its too late? 2 month enough? 3 month too much?
Thank you so very much for your help and support :)
Hello Kevin,
I agreed everything yo have said on your website. However, my situation is much different just regular broke up. I have dealt with major depression for 3 years, and I have attempted 3 suicides last month, and that was one of the great reason I have broke up with him after dating 2 years and a half.
I know I already hurt him so much by tried to harm myself, but I didn't wanted to hurt him anymore than that. I let him know why I broke up with him, and thankfully he understood the reason why.
A little after 30 days not contacting and seeing him, we finally got to see each other today. My depression is pretty much gone now, and I am a much better person, even a whole new different person! When we got to talk, he said he doesn't see us ever going back together in the future. But I know he still really cares about me, and I care about him too.
I let him know I am not going to force to date him back, cuz I respect him, and it was nice to see his face. That was the end of our conversation.
What would you do or what advise could you give me in this situation?
My advice is that you do no contact for another 2-3 weeks. And then start texting him and ask him out again. This time, hang out as friends and have a nice time and don't talk about getting back together. Just enjoy yourself and let it be his idea to get back together. And congrats on overcoming your depression. :)
Hey, my ex and I want to get back together, but I don't think my parents will let us. When he broke up with me, I made him seem like more of a jerk than he really is. He apologized and it made total sense to me but I doubt it will to my parents. What should I do?
Hey Kevin
So I've been following your emails religiously since my ex broke up with me 3 months ago.
My situation is slightly awkward although I'm sure you will have come across it before, I just need some advice on how to proceed.
My ex and I are family friends from way back. In fact the families along with everyone else was shocked when he ended it. We've done no contact for about 3 month but we still see each other almost weekly because of our families. Unfortunately not a way to avoid it, although we have both tried hard. I know it's hard for him when he sees me, and I'm nowhere near over him. But he's also very adamant that he's made the right decision because of the arguments we've been having.
But here's the thing - I've learn a lot through your emails and relationship rewind. Learnt where I went wrong - him too, but I focussed on my errors. I want him to know, but I'm worried he's not in a place to acknowledge accept or understand. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I know he loved me...maybe he still does, but the arguments rightly so got on top of him. Thanks
Meg
I read through your article. Its really inspiring and motivating. I have faith in your tips. My question is that, my boyfriend is very capricious. I do not understand what he really feels or thinks about me. There are times when he is planing to make me his wife and have babies and wishes that they look just like me BUT the VERY NEXT MOMENT, he ditches me like trash. I love him to bits.
I forgave him for all his flaws and accepted all his imperfections because no one is perfect, However, I am torn apart with his behaviour. Is he just taking me as a spare tyre? A second option? I just want to know his true feelings for me. I am okay if he is not in love with me as I know that it is his right to fall in love with whoever he wants. I just need an answer. How do I approach a man to open up with his deepest emotions Kevin? I waited 6 years for this man. Help me please. Thank you so much.
learning to let a peson go is part of growing up, accepting that other people might not plan their future by your side is a maturity trait,
why dont you help people get over their pain and grow as a person instead of helping them on this?
Hey,
Actually, that is one of the main things I talk about on this website. To accept the breakup and learn to be happy without your ex. You can see it in Step 3.
My wife left on August 13th. And a few weeks later she came back amd left the next day again. Then she came back on September 21st and we connected and we got together again. But 3 days in she told me was with another man and slept with him. Then she told me she wasn't happy and that he made her happy. Then she left to be with him. Is there anything I can do at this point?
Hey Raul,
I think you should move on. If she comes back again, don't accept her and agree to be with her. Let her prove that she is serious this time.
Hi Kevin,
I have been broken up with my boyfriend for a month, he has narcissist ways, but sometimes he is okay. I have a daughter, he though I was cheating on him with a couple of my friends that always called or texted me. I felt he did not want me there because he was sick of my daughter and me. He has two wild kids that came over part time that I did everything for. I got another job he thought I wasn't going to have enough to help out as much. Our rent was close to 3400, and I went to his house and he has a 25 year old roomate. She is not cute, she is a bar tender, someone that he would be embarrassed about. I am 36 and he is 47. He told my family horrible lies about me called every phone number on my phone log. I went to see him, he was with me, but he said this is just hurting both of us. He said what am I going to do with a 25 year old..but it was weird how much he smiled. I wrote him a love letter, he wrote his version and emailed it to me. He clocked my number. I told him last night God let this happen. I still want him in my life, I told him that I love him. I tried to do no contact for a month. He lost so much weight he looks like a skeleton, he said look what you did to me..I am confused. He said that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I don't want a wrinkled up guy like him..someone help..I was kinda desperate, but not really, he said your not saying anything that is making me change my mind. I have left him alone, I'm trying not to email or go see him at his house. I told him before it got bad that I would make it up to him everyday of my life. He told me now, I wouldn't of done what I did if I loved him, all I ever talked about with my friend is how I feel he doesn't like me as much. He would be with me when his kids were gone, but I felt he was pushing me away.. so what to do? If I could salvage everything would it be a miracle?Please someone out there.. I have never wrote on the internet before..
I have a question, my ex and I broke up about 3 months and we haven't contact each other at all, so all your steps; I followed, since you said that he's missing me during the no contact...If we have NO contact and NO communication, how are we gonna find each other again? Destiny? Faith? What...? He broke up with me so I think he have to come to me but how is that gonna happen
You are going to contact him after one month of no contact.
My girlfriend broke up with me just a couple of days ago. She said that she felt insecure for our future and somehow she decided to break up with me. In facts, we been lovely together for about 172 days. I admit that sometimes been really selfish to her, neglecting her feelings and eventually she felt really despair to me. Honestly telling, I love her very very much! I'd learned how to cherish my love ones. This couple of days I'd been really regret and I promise myself in hearts that i will not letting her felt that way again. I hope u guys can really help me out and give me some ideas whether to get back my love ones.
Hi, I will follow your progam to the dot... But I would like your opinion...
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a daughter of 1,5 years. We have had quite some fights, and he actually can get physical and I get pretty mean in words. Every time we have the mildest argument, he takes the bus to his mum who lives 2 hours away, and stays there. He don't answer his phone, he text me things like "whore" etc, he is very mean when we at last talk, but he always comes back in the end, normally he is back within 1-2 days.
I have been wondering for some time if he has some sort of empathy distortion, so I am not certain this method will work on him? He always has come back, but he always says that I have manipulated him to come back.
Well, Yesterday we had a fight again. He got into his usual routine and left the building; went to his mum. This time is rather different from the rest though. He didnt text any mean stuff to me while travelling, only "I changed the pick up time at childcare to 15.00", and then silence. He has blocked my phonenumber. He has cut us off completely. Normally his mum would call and say he needs some time to cool off, but there has been nothing but silence.
And I am left with hope, questions, thoughts and our daughter who wonders where dad is. I'm the one that have to figure this whole thing out and make things work.
Anyway, I will really follow your instructions and hope that things will be fine. But this time Everything feel so different from the rest of the times that he has "quit". How do I have no contact, with someone who blocks me? :( He won't notice that I wont try to reach him. I am not sure how to proceed to be honest...
You will not be doing no contact for him to notice. You will be doing it for yourself. Him blocking will even make it easier for you to concentrate on yourself.
But doesn't blocking means that he does NOT WANT TO HEAR from you anymore? The man I love did that too. :(
Hey Simran,
In my opinion, he is going to keep you as a second option if you let him keep you that way. My advice is to follow the plan and learn to be happy without him. Start moving on with your life and when he realizes he is going to lose you forever, he will probably want you back. And most people block someone simply because they were angry or you were harassing them constantly. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to hear from you anymore. And in my experience, most exes unblock their ex after a while. Even if he doesn't, you can email him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan after 2-3 months of no contact.
My ex an I have been together for 9 months and we been off and on for the last two months. He ended breaking up with me 2 weeks ago, 3 days after his birthday. The breakup was over an argument he was petty and I was petty right back by throwing some personal things around his room and destroying his gifts from me on his birthday. He said he needs a long break from me and space. He just turned 32 and I'm 21. A lot of people say that's our age difference but I don't think so. I truly love him and still want to work it out. We have never had trust issues until these last couple of weeks. We haven't talk for a week and I don't know what to do.
Follow the plan Tia.
Me and my ex broke up only 5 days ago. It was so out of the blue we were fine last Wednesday morning then from Wednesday night onwards he just started ignoring me. On Friday he text me and said he promised he would see me Sunday but then he ignored me again so I texted is mum to collect my things from his house. His mum told me he had cheated on me again on both nights he ignored me. He had previously cheated on me with my best friend and I took him back but now I have just found out they are actually together now. He says he loves her. We have been together 4 years. Is there any hope for me?
Hey Becca,
You do have a chance but you should do NC for at least 2 months and think things through before trying to get him back.
Hi Kevin
I had been doing NC for a couple of days. He text me saying "I hope your doing ok" what does this mean? Does it mean he misses me? I just want him back this is so painful :'(
It doesn't mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
Hi Kevin,
Could I get feed back on my situation? I have posted it here twice and on the board? Sorry just feeling desperate ATM!
thanks
Meg
Thanks Kevin, I just hope it's not already to far gone. How do you feel about my issues posted on the no contact forum? I told him if give him space, do you think going to the BBQ will not be respecting that?
Hey Megan,
Your decision of going to the party should not be based on what he will think of you. It should be based on whether or not it'll make you feel good. Don't decide to go there (or not) just to prove him something. Ask yourself if it'll make you feel good about yourself. Will seeing your ex make you uncomfortable? Will you be able to enjoy yourself if you see your ex there? Will you be able to handle your emotions? If you think you are ready, go for it. It doesn't matter how he will react to you going because you are going to the party for yourself and not for him.
Hi kevin
I left comment yesterday but its not there I think u deleted it
Hey Shivaji,
I don’t normally approve comments asking questions. If you have questions regarding berakup, please post it in the message boards.
I've got nothing but respect for you man .
Keep it up , it's gonna be hard but you need to follow the program .
Also , don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter !
Good luck
Previous message was intended for Biswajit .
KEVIN,
It has been 5 months since I asked for your help. From that day on, I cannot imagine myself up to this day. I felt lost, inferior and unworthy. Just because of one person who had dumped me in the most stoneheartedly possible way she knows.
Though it affected me so much that I wasn't able to function as a human being (yes, I felt like a robot) for about 4 months and had taken for granted most of the things I must be doing, I am thankful that I finally did it!
I'm so glad she didn't take me back no matter how much I have begged her. Because if she did take me back, then I might be just a doormat all my life I will be with her. If she had taken me back, maybe I am still not happy until now. So I am somehow thankful to her. Because of how she broke up with me, I was able to see the real her. I was able to see how she treated someone who had always been with her that she just dumped because finally she was already on her dream life that she no longer needs me.
And with your help, I stopped feeling guilty for her attitude towards me, because it defines her and not me.
I am a lot stronger and wiser now! I prayed to the Lord that may this heartbreak soften and humble me instead of making my heart hard rock, so that I might never take anyone for granted. I have no plans yet of being a relationship not because I lost faith in love but because I have never experienced before how happy it is to be single! I wouldn't want to bind myself to someone who just uses me. And there will be no getting back together.
I've never been this happy! I wasn't able to get her back like the initial plan we had but I was able to gain something greater: FRIENDS - Rihanna, A.Z., Dara, Daniel, Edward, Steve, Sunshinegirl, David, Joe (I hope I'm not forgetting anyone)
Thank you so much OLDIES and KEVIN! I wouldn't have made it without you! *fist bomb to all* :D
I might be the underdog in the beginning but now I emerged as a victor :D
Hey RAED,
It's so nice to hear from you. I am glad this website helped you in your journey and I am proud of how far you've come. The oldies have been little quiet lately. I guess most of them are busy with their lives. Hopefully, they'll check in soon. All the best.
My ex since april just liked a picture i uploaded on instagram
We're both 18, we had a distance relationship and we broke up because of my insecurities and i were very immature when we didn't have the time to see eachother, i forgot we had distance in the last months with him.. i was very clingy and a real bitch. 2 weeks after we broke up, i told him i realized what i did, i apoligized and asked for another chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. I did wrong, but it's all forgotten now i hope. In the relationship he was very loyal, reminded me everyday about i was his true love, he had never felt this way before and he wanted to build a future with me, like move in after school.
We were together in 6 months,
I've followed the 5 steps plan and i have been seeing a few other guys since we broke up, but sadly i can't stop thinking about my ex.. The latest talk we had was over facebook in the beginning of september.
What should i do now? maybe start a conversation later? he broke his leg in summer, maybe i should ask him how's it going?
Please help if you feel you have any advice!
Thanks :)
Hey everyone !
I uploaded a pic to instagram yesterday and my ex liked it..! what should i do now? Snapchat or write to him or something? please help if you feel to :(
Here's the story between me and him, i posted this in summer and in early september:
Hey guys! i’ve just started a conversation with my ex, we haven’t talked for like 3 months. I still feel kind of insecure of writing to him, but he is in my town so i couldn’t resist starting a conversation.. What should i do now after the conversation? should i let him be for a few days or snapchat him later? I asked him if it’s good between us, he said yes. Down below is my recent updates from everything between me and my ex!
i would love some help..
I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance
What do you guys think?
One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want
Help wanted!
Lovisa :)
Hi Kevin,
I did something really stupid, my boyfriend broke up and i tried to give him space but only gave him two days... so i tried to be "romantic" went over his house to talk to him and he yelled at me and called me crazy. so i just left super heart broken and text him im sorry and haven't contact him after that. i wonder if we still have a chance because he called me crazy...HELP
Yes, you do.
Kevin,
Bro u saved me u really saved me. I turned 31 on Sep 2. I am from India and I was in a serious relationship with an American girl. We met in a gaming site in 2012 and were completely in love with each other for last 2 and half years. She started the relationship with a big lie, about her age, she kissed a guy in USA while we were together but I overlooked everything cuz I was in deep mad love with her. We were to meet for the first time this December I was so so happy for it.
5 months back she started acting weird. She would give me very less time on cam, won't reply my messages properly and would basically tell me she is busy. But since I loved her like crazy I kept being in love with her. But on Sep 2 when she cam with me after 2 months to wish me on my birthday I could see she has changed. She didn't have the joy, the happiness on her beautiful face which she used to have in the past while talking with me.
After few days she wrote me this- jeet you have been a perfect bf to me but idk why but I don't feel your need in my life. So, I don't know what to do with us.
I could;t believe my eyes when I read that message. Days later she told me she loves me a lot and she is looking forward to meet me in December. Few days later she went back to her crazy self, ignoring my calls, messages. Then I started acting desperate messaging her calling her but she started to be even more aloof of me. The last Sunday on 21-09-2014 I called her phone she was shopping with family and friends I was almost crying telling her I am hurt cuz of her behavior of ignoring me. Rather than comforting me she told me in the most rude voice- I am shopping with friends I am busy and I can't talk much now. She hung up the phone.
I cried my whole Sunday. Messaged her I feel I am done with her and I won't message her again. She didn't reply me for next three days. But since I can't live without her I started again messaging her calling her literally begging her to take me back I even messaged her best friends to talk to her to take me back. But she wrote me this yesterday-u have to stop harassing my friends.
Last 10 days I could sleep only 3 hours a night, stopped working out, eating was rare and I lost 10 pounds while I saw my ex has opened a new facebook account and posting happy pics of hers. How can she be this cruel? I remained loyal, passionate and loving to her? I forgave her major mistakes and literally was living for her for last 2 and half years.
Fortunately after spending 3 days with family I am feeling little better and now after reading your article I feel this. If she can't love me even after getting my obsessive love maybe she doesn't deserve me. My heart still wants her and I would start the no contact thing religiously from now onwards. I would start work out again, would go out and do things like I am happy without her.
If she comes back good or else I dont need her to be happy.
KEVIN a big thank you for making me feel better.
Take Care,
Biswajit
My story is exactly like yours Biswajit. The only difference is that I have waited for this one man for 6 years. He is/was my FIRST love, my first romance, my first passion and my first desire. I wish you will find joy in within yourself. Remember, it is never worth being a doormat for anyone, even for the one you love the most. We are all there for you :) Regards, Simran (Malaysia)
Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It’s just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?
Bestever , Thank you Kevin .
Kevin,
so me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up 7 days ago and I have been in no contact ever since my question is when we broke up she said she still wanted to date me to try and rekindle our relationship then that day she blocked me off all social media? why would she say this we lived together for a majority of the two years and I moved out her family loves me and she has a son who is now 5 who I've grown very close too since I've been in his life I have to come to realize that I might truly never get her back but I am in love with her and I feel she is worth fighting for what drove us apart was my neediness and insecurity towards the last 6 months of our relationship when we were first together I was in much better shape and I much more confident guy since then I have been working out everyday and hanging out with friends etc do you think I have a chance kevin?
Yes, you do have chance. Follow the plan. If she is worth fighting for, you should fight for her.
Hi everyone ! my bf just broke up with me since 5days ago. That was heart broke for me and i beg him to stay. I put down my pride and ask for another chance for both of us but he insist NO. It's been two years and its coming to our anniversary. He said that he still want to remain friend because he don't want to lose me and be stranger again. Its hard for me at first because how can i still love he but we can only be friend? after few days i text-ed him last night and tell him i miss us but i know that we can't go back like how we used to be anymore. And i said that that will be the last time Im telling him this. I think i should start the NO CONTACT move from now :) thanks for the article its help !
6 years relationship. Past year, boyfriend started a relationship with girl in another country, so he visits when he can (every 4-5 months) and they video every day and text.
During that year, he was still with me, same country, we were not living together.
Few months ago, we ended it mutually, saying he had to work on some issues (communication, guilt and savior pattern) and I was having health issues. But the days after the breakup, he kept texting me nice messages, and every week we would see each other and sometimes be intimate. We do see each other at our religious group.
He has been always keeping the door open (dont want to be in relationship ''for now'', still have love for you but dont want relationship, you are an amazing person, ...)
His text messages are : sending you lots of love, kisses, big hugs, good morning cuddles under the covers...
In 3 weeks, we will attend an event wher both of us will be present. So I have started the NC (although this complicates things since he is also my teacher).
We had both said that at that event, we would evaluate what we want to do, remain friends or more or what. We also agreed that that date was a bit early for our mutual changes but it was a easily date to set because of the event.
I am so confused from his messages, and him being in another relationship (long distance). He is amazing when in person with me, and has always been there, even came to hospital with me and waited for 12 hours, talked many times on the phone about us, about school too.
I dont want to feel victim here, I want to choose and feel in control of something.
I don't have many friends, he is my closest friend so the NC is very hard (specially because there is also a major situation with school - I can't contact him about it - NC)
Your clarity would be appreciated.
Hey Elocin,
The only way to be in control is to do NC. It'll be hard. But you'll have to put yourself out there and start making new friends, and doing new things. Y
Thank you very much. Congrats for the site.
Hi Kevin,
perplexed of your answer. Are you saying nothing will become of this relationship and I should move on, or that the NC may get us romantically?
I feel he is sending mixed messages, loves me, but something is keeping him from committing.
Thank you again so very much, to help us silly emotional over-thinking ladies!
Hey Elocin,
When you start no contact, you are already starting to move on. The beauty of no contact is that it helps you in both moving and getting back together. During no contact, you should decide whether or not YOU want to get back with him (as described in the article). This is the only way to take control of your life and not depend on someone else for your emotional and mental well being. You should reach a point where you should be OK with the possibility of not getting him back. If at the end of no contact, you do want him back, then you should contact him and see how things go. If it doesn't work, you should move on.
Hi Kevin, seems like I noticed a pattern with my email subscription. Last Thursday I didn't receive an email and today (Thursday) I also didn't receive one. Just wanted to bring it to your attention.
Hey Robert,
There is an occasional gap in the email series. You didn't miss anything.
I wrote back in April asking about my ex. His dad had cancer and he said with that, his school and his work, he just needed to be alone. Kevin told me to give him at least two months before trying to contact him. At the end of June, his dad got really sick and passed away. I tried to text him to see if he was okay, but he had blocked me on his phone within the first week of the breakup. I went to the funeral, but didn't really talk to him. I mingled with the family and sat as far away from them during the funeral. Since then I texted him twice, the last time being the end of August, where I asked him if we could be texting friends. I woke up the other morning to a text from him asking "why should we be texting?" I texted later and told him I wasn't going to give him a reason because you shouldn't need a reason to text someone. Then later texted and told him I want to be his friend but can't make him want to be mine. He told me he was in class. Yesterday I texted and told him I didn't know the right time to text anymore so just to write me back whenever and asked how his dogs were. I've gotten nothing. I've not texted him today but I'm so confused. 1) can the 5 step plan work for us? 2) why would he break his 5 1/2 month silence? 3) why would it seem like he started it right back up again? 4) how much time should I give before I tried to text him again?
He's switched jobs and schools, so if what he told me was the truth, could be be reaching out?
Hey Tiffany,
I think you should wait 1-2 weeks before texting him again. You should not contact him directly asking him to be friends. You should take things slowly. Use a text that is more subtle as mentioned above. If he is cold and doesn't text you, you should wait at least one month before texting him again. But this time, keep things light and don't approach him directly.
I subscribed there but not getting confirmation email
Please check your spam folder.
kevin I was wondering if you saw my post?
Hey James,
I can't find your post. You can ask questions and get feedback faster on the message boards.
Hi Kevin,
I had no NC with my ex for few months then we started emailing each other with idea to be friends and talk only once in a while (she ended it). After 2 years of this, i went to see her and spend week together. All old feeling came back and felt so happy and we had physical relations as well. I sense she is still wanting to not get back together since she likes her life as it is, but after coming home, I miss her all over again and feels like we broke up again. She seems fine though. I'm going to follow the 5 steps in this article and hope one day she wants to try again. I wont go back to pleading and obsessing like i did before...thats what also ruined it for us initially i think. Any thoughts are great...thanks!
kevin i feel the same thing about my ex. he hurt my heart. we dated for one day and then bam he hurt my heart.
Ok.. so i dont think my first comment passed the test. Here goes... 35 years old.. first relationship i had in 15 years was a month long and ended last week. She text to break it off citing slight jealousy and overall too intense. She felt i was trying too hard to be in a relationship with her when she just wanted to date. I did nice things for her and we never had a bad time, no fights or disagreements. I havent contacted her... hoping to last til Oct 10 aka canadian thanksgiving weekend giving me an IN to contact her. She went out with a "friend" the day before she dumped me to celebrate him settling with his ex wife. Now i see facebook posts of him bringing her coffee and a football shirt at work. Should i be worried... do i even have a chance with only having dated for a month eventhough we saw eachother almost every other day? Tips, Tactics? my instinct is killing me right now... :(
Hey Grant,
You have a chance but it's pretty slim. Although, there's a good chance that you were really trying to hard since it was your first relationship after a long time. Contact her after no contact is over and try to take things slow and just enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work, or if she is still not interested, just forget about her and try to find someone else.
One further question. Before she ended things i had an artist friend begin drawing a portrait of her kids and the dog from a picture i found. Heres the dilema... its finished... its paid for and now i have it. What should i do with it? Some people have told me to trash it but its so nice i can't bring myself to do it. I'm thinking of hanging onto it for a bit just incase there is some sort of second chance after the no contact period where i might be able to give it to her. If at some point i realize theres zero hope for anything i would consider just mailing it to her with a simple letter... What do you think i should do?
I agree with you.
after 10 days of no contact i've just been deleted from her facebook.... Im in complete panic now... help!!!! :'( Is all hope lost????
No Grant. It doesn't mean much. Continue with no contact and follow the plan.
Hey. I'm on no contact stage now. It seems work. My ex started to reach me back by call me and message me. But like you said, DON'T REPLY ANY OF THEM, so yeah i ignored all the phone calls and messages. But i'm afraid he'll think that i hate him and he start to move on. I noticed that he deleted all my pictures on his instagram, and my friend who also his friend told me that, he close to another girl and it seems like he has relationship with that girl, which actually makes me a little bit frustrated. Is that mean he has remove me from his life?
Next time he contacts you, just tell him you need some space and time right now and you don't want to stay in touch with him for some time.
Kevin, I need some advice please. Me and my girlfriend of over 6 years have been separated for about 3 months. Originally it was suppose to be a break but I messed up by chasing her, being needy and pushed her away and now we are broken up. During the 3 months we would talk and still hang out. Last time we talked 3 weeks ago she said she didn't know if we were going to get back together. She said that we needed time with no contact but said to let her know when we would start so she wouldn't be texting or calling me with no response. I went ahead and started a no contact period without telling her. She texted me once 2 weeks ago asking to be taken off my cell phone plan. We had to meet up at the cell phone store. That day she acted like she was upset with me and I hardly talk to her. Yesterday she called me and I didn't answer then she texted me explaining more on the cell phone plan. Then she said that she hoped I would have answered so she wouldn't have to text me a long message and if she could have just 10 more minutes of my life if I had time. I decided to call her and she was saying that she knows that I'm going to move on and she was going to move on but it felt weird not to talk to me cause I was her best friend and her boyfriend. I told her it felt weird for me too but that this is what she wanted time with no contact and I didn't want any of this (meaning the break up). She said I should have told her cause right now we have to have contact in order to get all our stuff settled (separating everything we have under our names) then we can stop talking. She also said she was shocked that I mailed her paperwork and I didn't call her to just drop it off. I kept it cool throughout the conversation and before we hung up I apogized to her for acting needy and clingy these past months. Throughout the conversation she had a sad tone. I'm wondering if she is in the missing me stage you talk about in your emails but I'm not sure if she is missing me enough to get back together. What next steps should I take? Do I continue a no contact or beginning to talk to her again? I can honestly say that I can check off most of the things on the list when begging contact again. Or should I start a "false friendship" talked about in Relationship Rewind? My therapist says I should talk to her and tell her that I want to work things out but not sure if I should do that. Please help me out!
Hey Robert,
If you satisfy the checklist, then you can end no contact and begin the "false friendship" stage. I'll not recommend being clear about your intentions just now. You should build up a little bit of attraction before telling her that you want to work things out.
Thanks Kevin. I feel like I have a plan now where as before I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I think I'm going to wait a week or two to begin that stage to regain myself a little bit. After I posted the comment she posted on Facebook that she got a gym membership. I know you say in your emails not to let what she posts get to me and I'm trying not to but this one kind of is. I can't help to think she might be moving on and you might disagree. Anyway do you believe that is a good plan?
Hi, one more question, on Relationship Rewind it says to wait for her to reach out to me and suggest a friendship and that offering a friendship without her suggestion will push her away. So what should I do? Wait for her? Or initiate on my own? I'm kind of confused now.
Don't suggest friendship when you reach out to her. Just start talking casually. If the topic of your relationship with her comes up, then tell her that you just want to be friends.
Thank you for the advice.
Hi Kevin I'm needing advice once again. I feel like I messed up. Instead of going the route I mentioned above. I decided to write her a letter going off the sample letter on your email. Today she received it. She texted me saying “just wanted to let you know that I got your letter” and I wasn’t sure what to say and I just said “ok then”. In the letter I finished up by saying that we needed space right now as in the sample letter. Now she unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. She unfriended every one in my family and even her sister unfriended me. To be honest it kind of bums me out. The weird thing is I had spoken with her the day before for some paperwork to do with our car. When I called her she answered by saying "Oh you're alive!" I asked her what she meant and she was saying that I haven’t called her and that it has been a month that we have hung out. We hung up and she called me back afterwards and said she couldn't do this that I wouldn't answer her texts and phone calls but she answers my calls. I once again told her she is the one who wanted space. Then she texted me saying "you messed me up I was feeling fine but now I feel like crap". I apologized for calling her. Now I feel bad for sending the letter. Did I send the letter too soon? What does her unfriending me mean? Kevin can you help me out on what to do next?
Hey Robert,
She probably again had emotions stirred up inside of her which made her unfriend you. Continue no contact for a couple of weeks. Send her a text after that.
Hi Kevin I could not have messed up even more. Acting on advice given to me by my coworker I decided to meet up with her and tell her how I was feeling. I thought she was on the “missing you badly” stage and thought her feelings had changed but I was sadly mistaken. Our talk got me no where or probably even worse than where I was. I talked to her about how I was feeling frustrated and confused about the space she wanted and that I thought we would be back together by now and other stuff. She told me that she does miss me but as her best friend but not her boyfriend. She also said that she would be lying if she told me that there was a chance of us getting back together. Ouch!! She also said that she feels lonely and she would want to get back together cause of that but it would be unfair to me. She also told me that the letter really messed her up and showed her that I was moving on and ugh I could not have messed up even more by telling her that I copied it from somewhere! I know you'll be disappointed with me on that. People tell me that she probably wanted to get back together and the letter made her feel like I was moving on. The whole thing was a disaster. I feel like I messed up and I should have followed no contact longer. So if you’re still reading this messed up situation I need advice. Is there really no chance of getting back together? Can I even recover from such a disaster? Where do I go from here? I almost feel like I’m back to square one, a mess and like at first.
Robert, I can't really say whether you still have a chance. But I think the best course of action is to do no contact. She still misses you and still has emotions for you. So that's a good thing. But now she knows you are trying to get her back and you might try to play games to get her back. So anything you do now ill be less effective simply because she will always be a little skeptical of your actions. The best course of action will be to do no contact. And actually start moving on. Contact her again after 2 months. And this time, don't be needy and don't tell her you want to get back together.
Hi Kevin, I had a somewhat change of luck with my situation recently and I could use some advice. I followed your advice of no contact up to last week where I sent my ex girlfriend a letter similar to the one on relationship rewind. When she received it she texted saying "wow that letter really rocked me hard" and didn't text back after a while. A few hours later she started to text me talking to me about how she started a new job. On Friday night she called me if I wanted to have dinner I said yes. After dinner we talked for a bit. This time around she gave me somewhat hopeful response. Although it was kind of mixed as well. The conversation was mainly about how right now she wants to be friends. She also once again said she wasn't sure if we are getting back together. Then she said she does believe that our relationship deserves a second chance but doesn't want to jump into a relationship. I get that she can't just say let's get back together, I have to build some attraction. She also said that she wants to be friends right now cause we both have changed and that she doesn't know if we will like each other. I feel like she is wanting to get back together but there is something holding her back. Also I definitely think she has emotional conflicts with other issues she has. But what gives me hope is that I could do the false friendship and hopefully leads to a relationship. But I'm also afraid of messing it up or her saying that being friends isn't working out. I haven't contacted her since we talked cause I'm not sure what to say to her. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Also I have been reading relationship rewind and it says that the first time you hang out should be in a group of friends. But in your email for the first time seeing each other doesn't say that. So would it be ok to hang out with alone? What should I avoid from possibly messing this up? Any advice on how to move this forward?
First of all, relax and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do the "right" thing. As long as you don't be needy and take things slowly, you should be OK. You should continue texting her for a while and then meet her. Group settings are great with establishing false friendship. But it's OK even if you are meeting her alone. Just make sure that when you meet her you don't act needy and don't make it obvious you want to get back together.
I'm not sure if my comment posted or not so I'll do this again. We'll me and my ex were 1 1/2 years together. Once she broke up with me she told me she didn't want to talk to me ever again. Bad right? She also told me she was talking to someone else that made her happy unlike me? We haven't talked in awhile but not long enough? How do I get a hold of her she blocked me on all social Media from Facebook to snapchat. She also blocked my number. How do I get her to miss me? And want me back ?
You can send her the hand written letter mentioned in the article. You can also email her.
Hi Kevin!
My case is a bit different.
I'd been together with my ex for almost two years, with one breakup in between.
And we were extremely happy most of the time.
However I have a mental disorder, ADD. It's the non hyperactive and non aggressive type of ADHD. However it still causes small problems regularly.
The relationship ended with a pretty big bump from my part. I had a humor switch and said some mean things... Then my ex told me she needed some space, broke up, and got herself a new partner after four days.
It's been three months since and all of the world has fallen into chaos....
My question is if you believe that your guide applies even on me. Is it too late to try and follow your guide now? Any tips or tricks for my particular situation would be awesome.
With love, Noa
It's not too late. Follow the guide. Use the letter and apologize after no contact.
So, what happens when your Ex has gone back to an Ex girlfriend of his past? What do I do?
Follow the same plan. If it doesn't work, move on.
A girl who likes him is there in his life i don know as a friend or gf.Its been 2 days that both of us decided about break up and not to contact no call no msgs. I want him back we had such up n downs many times but at the end we were together this time it seems worst. i trust him but till it kill me when ever i thought about him n that girl. He is going through tough time its been 3 months we are in same city but he didn't bother to come and see me. As its tough times i ignored it. But that girl n him were together many time he was the one who told me about it.
Even i m going through tough time and his ignorance was making me more insecurity . When we broke up he said some of those things which were pain full to hear. I don't know what should i do. I was the one who said we should better break up n be friends. same day he called me told me how much he is worried about me and gave me e.g of that girl said if something like would have happen to her he would not have cared about it.I told him how much I want him back. We were together for 4 years.we use to have some issues related to my past but this time it was not the reason.
Hi Kevin,
After the NC rule, I contacted my ex, with the note you taught in the email. Eventually he replied and we chatted almost a day until the next morning he didn't reply me again. He felt glad that I'm doing great here, but he told me that he isn't good and need have a change in fortune too. I wish to send him a little motivational gift, but I'm not sure it is good for situation now. Me and him are apart and at different places. Shall I?
Don't send him any gift. Stay limited contact for another 2-3 weeks before contacting him again. Then stay in touch with him intermittently.
Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It's just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?
Hi Kevin,
I don't know if I found your page too late or not. I have done all I shouldn't have to beg him back. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship. We have been together for 5months, we met each other quite often. 1-2 times per months. We went into a loads of argument this month, after the last fight he just literally ignored me and broke up with me about a week later. I even flied to see him yet he refused. He just asked to be friends just like when we first met. He started the conversation about why he refused to see me after I agreed to be friend. Should I reply and ask him why or just start NC? (He texted me last night, I haven't talk to him since I told him to be friends)
You can start NC after replying to him or right now. Either way is fine. If you decide to reply, you should tell him that it's OK and he doesn't need to explain himself. You understand that you two have broken up and he doesn't owe you any explanation. And then start NC.
Hi Kevin,
There is one bother me as well, we planned to travel this weekend and obviously we can't make it. Should I do the refund for him(I guess this is one of the concern of long distance relationship-money), I just think no to waste the money with any reasons. Or I ask him to do it himself?
Yet I don't want him to think I care about money a lot.
Thanks!
I can cancel two tickets without inform him, or I just cancel mine? As he said "we are not going! I canceled"
Talk to him about it. But keep it short and don't talk about any personal feeling.
Will it break the NC? I just canceled it early today... He might get the refund sooner later. Should I just leave it? As he hasn't reply me not talk to me. Will I look so desprate that keep talking to him:/
Kevin
my girlfriend broke up with me because she said that she's not happy with me..and she tried her best to love me but it didnt work it out...I cant believe that she says those words.."Im not happy with you!!!" she said but everytime were together I always make her laugh..even her family like me..she still left me..I gave her everything she want..one thing that I have in mind is that we see each other seldom..weekly.every other week sometimes once a month...
I dont want to loose her Kevin..Please help me..
I gave up everything for her my career and a lot of friends just for her.
Hey,
Perhaps the reason her attraction faded away is because you put her before your career (it looks needy). I might be wrong. But I'll still recommend you follow the plan and learn to put yourself and your goals before her and anyone else.
is 4 months of No Contact good for a 7 years relationship?
I think it's enough. Although, read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 before ending the no contact.
I want my ex back and i have honestly begged to have her back but ima change my image and mature and let her be and let her come back to me
Hi Kevin,
I absolutely loved every word of this website and find so much comfort in what I'm going through right now.
I've been with my gf for 3 months and I've the best time of my life with her. She's 45 and I'm 34. We both accepted the age difference and I've never felt the age gap. After dating for a month, we decided to meet where she went on vacation (her hometown). We had a great time and built so many happy memories together - we even talked about marrying, kids and the future. After my vacation, I came back and a week later she came back. We booked a vacation for Christmas flight tickets to go back and meet her parents as I didn’t get a chance to meet them when I was there.
So, on a Wednesday evening I made her a romantic candle lit dinner as I really wanted to impress her and show her how much I love her for being her (first time I ever cooked for anyone). She was so impressed and was so grateful. The next day (I didn't sleep all night as she snored and I didn't want to wake her up as it was a work night) she woke walk up and she said she loved me and went to get ready for work. I was very angry as I didn't sleep all night and wasn't thinking right. I had a huge argument with her and said I didn't want this kind of relationship anymore. She cried and said she didn't want to be with anymore and wrote me an email saying she decided she didn’t want to see me again and how much she loved me and not to contact her again.
I made the usual human mistakes of contacting her - sending texts, calling her to try and get back with her. I spoke to her on the phone and said that I’d like to be friends (I was getting desperate) I have changed and am happier within myself. She said she wasn’t ready to see me and I have gave her a week and I’ve started the no contact rule.
After the no contact period, best way ask her out?
Many thanks
A hand written letter or email apologizing and telling her you've accepted the breakup.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote a follow up message but it has disappeared?
Try writing it again.
Hi Kevin,
So, I gave her space and started a convo after she came back from her school holidays (she's a teacher). I said hope she had a great holiday and welcomed her back. She replied she had a good time and hope I was well.
I waited some days and initiated contact - I called her and we had a chat about us. She got emotional, said she wasn't ready to see me and I we she didn't think I had changed in a month (even though I said on the phone that I had a new exciting job, new friends and my life was happy).
Then I had no contact with her for a week and sent her flowers with a note saying I was thinking of her. She replied "Thank you for the flowers, but you shouldn't have sent them!! Hope things are going well for you." I replied I hope you liked the flowers and I hope we could talk. She didn't reply and sent a text message later saying I missed her.
I let some days pass until I contacted her again saying could she call me when she got a chance. She said she didn't want to call me and the more I contacted her, the more she realised she want to talk to me. I replied saying I apologized and how much I have changed. She replied the main reason she felt angry was because I didn't respect her decision and all I think about was what matters to me.
So, some days later I lost control of myself as I was really missing her. I sent her many messages and called her a couple of times for 4 days. She said what do I think I would achieve with all those calls and messages when she made it clear she didn’t want to talk to me and what would I achieve when she going to change her number. I sent her a text apologising and saying I understand this is not the way to communicate and I accepted her decision. I constructed my life and for bettered myself for my life and wanted her to see the new me. We should meet and talk about this as life is too short. She replied saying no a million times I don’t want to see you, that’s her answer and I have no other option than to respect it and try to understand it. I replied said I’ve been thinking about what she said and I understand it. If it made her truly happy and didn’t want me to be a part of her life then I would leave her alone. It was never my intention to hurt her in any way. That was the Sunday before and I didn’t get a reply. On Sunday, she blocked me from Whatsapp and on Friday that just passed, she unblocked me (I have no idea why). That’s where I am and I have started no contact.
If you can advise me in anyway, I would internally grateful.
Thank you very much Kevin.
Adam
Hey Adam,
I think you started talking about the relationship a little too soon and acted desperately after that. Your best option right now is to do no contact for another 2-3 months and try again. This time, keep it casual and friendly. Don't send her any flowers or any gift of any kind. Act like you just want to be friends. And if it still doesn't work out, you should move on.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for the reply below. I did to reply but here wasn't a reply option.
I have just two queries - it's her birthday in December and I was thinking should I wish her a Happy Birthday. If I do, wouldn't that break the no contact rule? I mean, I don't want her to think I don't care, or I'm being mean but then again I am trying to give her space. I was thinking of sending her flowers at her work or even meeting her after work to give her flowers.
The second thing is, when we came back from Spain, we booked non refundable tickets for Christmas so I could meet her parents. I called her a couple of weeks ago and she knows about this but didn't say anything. I can't get a refund, I can't change the tickets and no one really speaks English there. I did ask my friends to go but as it's Christmas, I don't think many people want to leave home. I was thinking of getting a hotel and taking my chance to see her when I got there.
I would appreciate any advice as I am non the wiser to what to do and I don't have much time left for the year.
Thank you very Kevin,
Adam
Wish her happy birthday but keep it short and don't try to use it as an excuse to meet her or talk to her more. I won't recommend going there for Christmas. If you want to go travel, then go ahead. But don't try to meet up with her or even contact her. It'll just look desperate and she'll probably reject you again.
Hi Kevin,
To cut a long story short and I shouldn't be writing on here...more like on your "success stories". :)
I got back with her and we as stronger than ever. I will be writing on your success stories section.
Thank you so much for all your help and support :)
#Dontgiveup
Adam
My boyfriend broke up with me last week. On the phone! Saying he doesn't think the relationship can work cos he is going through some stuff in his heart. His friends told me he told them I might hurt him like other ladies in his past has hurt him.cos he is albino, he thought I might break his heart like what happened in his past. I was and still hurting, I really love this guy, I sent many messages and even stalked him on social media, though I have apologised but he is not responding to my messages. But I think I will be starting the no contact. ..I really love him and want him back.
We've broken up 3 times and it was because we got back together way too fast. Is this still going to work if I do the no contact for the whole 30 days? This was in the span of 2 months, we've been together for almost 3 years.
You have a better chance of the relationship working if you do no contact for at least 30 days, work on yourself during that time, and try to figure out what went wrong and what you can do to make the relationship stronger.
Okay. There is also a tv show coming on almost exactly 3 weeks after our. Read up that we always watch together. Would it be okay to ask him to watch it with me as long as I act as if we are just friends and not bring up the relationship at all?
If you have been in contact with him and he is warm to you, then yes, it's ok.
Hello Kevin, I have posted 2 comments on here looking for some advice but I haven't seen either of them. I'm wondering if it was because they were too long? Please let me know. Thanks.
If they were long, it was probably the reason. I recommend posting questions asking for advice on the message boards. You will get a response much faster and will get to hear from many different perspective.
This is really great advices, i broke up last sept 15,2014 ,my first 3 days was miserable, but when I questioned myself is he worth living I mean why is so easy for him to let me go if he really love me. at first yes everything in the rules ,I did that, funny but yes, but I didn't get any answer from him,yes your right with that. Every time I texted him,.no reply,when I called he,he answered me with a cold voice.he always says "give me space" then I realized that I need space for myself too until I research and read your article, this is a big help ,and thank you more power
It's Day 25. I thought about what you said Kevin via if I can trust him again. And I am not sure. Regardless, his birthday is this Thursday which is near the end of our 30 days of No Contact. The No Contact period is going by quickly actually and I see the health benefit of it. I get your approach now and I see why it is a success regardless if you get your ex back or not. I have spend the NC time resting - healing my heart - and I am now coming up for air. I have gotten a new haircut (smile) and I need a lot more time to heal but I am finally taking care of me.
Should I text him on his birthday or just leave it to the full 30 days (it will be 28 days on his birthday).
I am starting to realize that regardless of what happens, I will be ok. And I believe that is one major aspect to your 5-Step Plan so thank you! I am glad I am following through.
You can text him on his birthday. All the best.
Hi my name is Darneisha. My boyfriend broke up with me officially yesterday. A week ago he wasn't answering my calls or responding to my texts. He would just look at my Facebook messages n not reply. I've constantly asked him what's wrong. I blew up him up which I think is part of the reason he strayed away from me. :(. He finally told me he just needed some space,he's going through a lot and accused me of not being pregnant withhis baby which I was after we had the abortion n said that the abortion wehad was really hard for him. I expressed my feelings n he told me it hurt him but he loves me so much. Afew days later he came over n we sat in the car n he told me its over n y should we keep going through this pain n let's at least be friends first n progress into a relationship n I was fine with that. He just has been very concerned because he feels he's Sharingme with my child's father because me n my child's father have a baby together n he's expressed how's it a big difference with his daughters being much older n my son being so young. I think he doesn't trust me n that's n
ot the case. I love him n only him. Me n my child's father are just parenting that's it! After that I've texted him 24/7 which I should have never done n I should have given him time instead of being desperate. Wehave been going through a lot in our relationship n we both felt its time to have space. He's told me to calm down n I couldn't because I love him. Ever since he's ignored me completely n texted me a day ago saying he's done,he doesn't care n he doesn't want me n he actually wished he never met me n pray I stay out of hislif n I'm like where is all of this coming from! He's been very mean. Idk what's wrong with him but I think I just need to follow your rules. I haven't contacted him all day so. I'm just trying to get advice.
You can't force someone to feel something they don't. You should move on because you deserve better
so sad,my story is different but same same situation
Kevin,
Thank you for your articles. I have a story about getting back together with my ex successfully -- after 30 years! We seemed to use most of your techniques intuitively, both after our breakup back then and later when we got back together. Now I kind of wonder whether he wanted me back and found this article. LOL. We are happily back together after a year of seeing each other. This is no flash in the pan. We are talking about staying together forever.
A couple of cautions for your readers, however. I broke up with him. I did not want to lose our friendship, so I decided to give us time for the romantic/sexual ardor to cool down before trying to be platonic friends. I don't recall whether I told him this before or after our no contact period, but I did explain it. I was not trying to get him back though honestly I would have been open to it.
The danger was that 3 months into what turned out to be our 6 month no contact period, I met the man who would become my husband. So it is not always true that both parties will not meet someone else significant during the no contact period. As I had already agonized over my decision to break up for months, I had already mentally moved on. I did not need a long no contact period to be ready to meet someone new.
Maybe our no contact period was too long, but we went back and forth about resuming our relationship with a shorter no contact period. It became clear to me that it had to be longer. I think the more two people really care about someone, the longer the no contact period has to be. Feelings run high. You could say a long no contact period means you really weren't right for each other and the breakup will be final. Although our breakup was final (kind of), our current relationship suggests we were right for each other and we did care. He tried after the 6 months to get me back, and it was a very close thing, but ultimately failed.
I think one success key to getting back together is to understand the bigger assumptions about what a relationship means to each of you and what you want and expect in it. Maybe explicitly discuss needs that are not being met, and how they could be met. That would have helped us back then, and has helped us now, even taking on the biggies that are scary to discuss. They are worse left alone, festering. So, in our case, it was helpful, after re-establishing an attraction, to go over old ground and understand what went wrong and how to make them better. If things really are wrong, can they be solved? Many times, the problems are more miscommunication leading to misunderstanding leading to resentment. A good talk can clear that right up and renew care and love.
As for reestablishing contact, I was the one who emailed him first (when we were both divorced for years). As the one who ended the relationship, first by breaking up, and then by marrying, I don't think he would have contacted me. We went back and forth a few months apart on email, then had the occasional call, then many calls, then physically met again. I did not text at that time, so that was not an option, though we do now. This type of escalation of intimacy of contact allowed attraction to form again while we both had time to think separately.
If it is meant to be, it will be.
Sarah
That's an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it with the rest of us. I wish you best for your new relationship with your ex.
Hi Kevin,
I read through your steps and I think that it does make sense; however the most important thing is like you say, don't expect a guarantee to get back together.
To tell you the truth I am probably much too late to be following your advice, it's been about just over a year and a half that the breakup happened...we were engaged and she decided we weren't actually compatible a couple of months after she had said yes to the proposal. We had our fair share of disagreements and arguments but I never saw any show stoppers to the relationship, I guess that wasn't the case for her.
Nonetheless, I am kind of stuck in a rut because I still think of her constantly and keep looking for photos of her on social media (I've cut ties to her completely to try and help myself move on I but still go snooping around to find out news about her). She is currently seeing someone and so it just seems less and less likely that there could ever be some sort of re connection....The only thing that keeps me holding on is that I still see that she has some vacation photos posted of when we were together, although the pictures are just of her (I am not in them, but I am the one who took the photos)
Anyways, just wanted to know what your point of view was on this particular situation. I've heard of ex's getting back together after years of doing there own thing. Just not sure whether reaching out to her one day actually makes sense...Thanks...
Hey,
Well, I think you should reach out to her. Even if things don't work out, at least you tried and it might just give you closure.
Hey Kevin,
What do I do if she is with another guy after 30 days? Do I still contact her or wait until they break up.
Still contact her.
Hi Kevin,
I found your page a little too late.
My ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, because I wasn't making him happy anymore, he was feeling tired and exhausted during and after a period of time where I suffered from depression. While I was having my depression we talked about how our relationship wasn't really working, but that we would give it a try for three months once I was better, so our judgment could be made based on 6 months, when I wasn't sick. Two weeks after I was starting to get better we broke up, because he was unhappy with our relationship. We were together for 2 years and lived together.
When we broke up I kind of had a fall back and I called him once, trying to get him to chance his mind. After a week at my parents, where we had almost no contact, we started chatting and talking again very casually and jokingly almost every day. He came by to pick up some stuff three weeks after our break-up and we slept together. One week later he was hungover and gave me an open invitation, which I declined. I'm increasingly feeling better and I'm starting to enjoy time with myself, spend time with my friends, exercise etc.
I really want him back, because I think that we are right for each other. I don't think he wants me back yet. I'm basically doing most of what you're recommending: giving myself time to heal, doing things I love, I'm hoping to go on a date next week, spending time with friends etc. The only thing I haven't done is the no contact, since we keep writing to each other about practical things (apartment sharing, money transfers etc) and then that turns into a causal chat. I've tried to let him know that I don't want any contact, but then there's always something that gets us talking again. Where should I go from here? I'm guessing that I should really try to do no contact for a month, but am I too late?
You should do no contact. You are not late. It's OK to talk about practical things if it's necessary but don't let it turn to casual chat.
Dear Kevin ,
I've posted a comment earlier but it's not showing up on the website ...
Since then my situation has changed , i applied no contact for about a week and my ex instant messaged (whatsapp) me saying : i love you . It's so hard not to talk to you . I hope you're having a good weekend . I replied , saying i love her too but i jokingly said : you couldn't just say how are you , in an effort to lighten up the conversation .We talked for a bit and it was fun she made some references to the future :when i see you again then blabla . But the only serious statement she made was : i want to be with you but there's too much going on in my head .
I know this statement usually means that she still can't commit herself and it's likely she still misses me and just can't go cold turkey with me when it comes to no contact . Or she just wanted her ego to be stroked .
The funny thing is that i follow her on tumblr (she doesn't know this) and i could just tell how much she was hurting the past week , posting things like : can i tell you a secret i still love you , missing you comes in waves tonight i'm drowning , i'm sorry i pushed you away , i'm scared of you breaking my heart etc .
I really don't know what to do , i really wanna play it cool and just keep it light and build attraction . But i'm scared she ' s gonna string me along again , like the past 2 months before no contact . But if i say i need more space , i'm scared she'll really move on this time .
Because essentially nothing has changed , she loves me but she has too many issues . She has been depressed for the past 2 months , barely leaving her house , not really talking to friends , let alone meeting them . Not your typical :i need space and then goes out to flirt with tons of guys to see if there's anybody better out there.
Should i initiate a friendly meeting later this week and in the meanwhile keep talking and building attraction or say :nothing has changed , let's give eachother some more time to think .
Thanks in advance !
Hey,
Since you've been trying the same thing for the past 2 months, I think it'll be a better idea to tell her you need space and time and do no contact.
Dear Kevin,
i will cut the long story short ; we broke up since 2 months ago I done the plan,
perfectly was super good , i receive a call from her crying to forgive her ..
then one lady friend wrote in my insta bad comment , she block me from everything as you know its 2 weeks so far she unblock me once i called and she cancel the call !!
i know how much she is hurts im going next week to her please any advise how to start i want to make things clear i don't want to stay in this pain , so I booked my ticket im going, to meet her am not going to get her back i want things clear ....
Hey Adam,
If she is hurting and angry, give her some time to heal and calm down. If you want to explain yourself, you can do so using an email and or a text as well. Going over there might backfire.
Hey Kevin,
maybe i want some fire , she drive me crazy every day..
i know my flout , im fighting for her and her love, im going there i will send her Favorites coffee to her office i will write our pass-code one the coffee Mug i will wait dawn next her car if she come , i will talk if not i will go to the airport never comeback i will make it clear im not her to push you to love me im here to tell you that you mean alot for me and I MISS YOU ..
Dear Kevin,
first i will thank you for all your advices ,its was relay good and helpful and make me a new person,
just want to tell you that she left Spain and her father send her to Chilly in other part of the world , now im SAD , but im happy if she is happy ,
now im in a strange moment in my life ,
my story start and finished like a movie style ..
im so happy to fallow you for the past 2 months its change me a lot ..thank you for every thing
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for this website. I used the advice in it and it really worked. I posted back in May, I think, that I was back in touch with my ex and we were going to meet for coffee. Months later, we are fully back together, boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship is better than ever. Maybe I'll tell you the whole story some time but it is late and I have to get up early! When I first saw this website I searched the comments section for success stories to find hope, and there weren't really any, just people asking advice. That is why I want to let everyone know that it worked for me, so maybe someone else can find hope in their time of sadness. I'll give all the details when I have some more free time. Okay, I'll tell you a little bit. I only waited two weeks to contact him, and I texted him because his uncle was having heart surgery, which I heard from his brother. I felt bad using his pain as a tactic to my advantage, but on the other hand, I decided it would have been even worse of me to NOT be supportive. This got us chatting a bit. It went on from there, little by little, and four months went by before he was ready to call me his girlfriend, and now things are better than they were the first time. Good luck everybody! P.s., His uncle is doing fine now.
That's so thoughtful of you Victoria. Thanks for sharing your story. And best of luck with your relationship. :)
I'm new to this website and very happy for you. Reading your story has given me some sense of hope. I hope that in the future I can come back to here and report some success as well. Good luck with your relationship.
Hey Kevin,
I've been with my ex for about 2 yrs and a couple of months ago we broke up where I jokingly indicated he lied about smthing small. He took it the wrong way. Initially, I removed him off all social media outlets. We cont'd txting then he went nc with me for 2 months. Decided we'll talk again for the nxt 6 months then added me back on fb.
Every single time we talked he'd bring up smthing sexual then when I confronted him that it's not appropriate we were able to speak of our interests again. Within our convos, he always sounded sad and angry at me. Yet, he was never able to tell me what's new in his life. I again confronted him about that and he said he wanted to keep me as an acquaintaince.
Finally, I admitted that I was still interested in him. He apologized and told me not to and wasn't in a good place. I waited out 3 months to try again. This time he started putting me down and telling me the whole time he lead me on. We argued for 2 days straight thru txt. I don't understand why someone would cont'd to argue if he didn't feel something? Or am I wrong? After the argument, after I said smthing mean for the first time since I was just taking it earlier I told him I regret meeting him. He instantly blocked me off fb. 5 min later I called and left a vm apologizing bc when someone degrades you they wouldn't just sit there and listen.
He then txted back saying I hope you learn fr this and just move on. I hope you find someone else. I told him he has no right to give me advice cause he doesn't understand. He said maybe I don't know. Now, I've been in nc for about 3 wks almost a month nxt week. I just don't get his actions, if you didn't like someone why bother talking to them if they know the other still likes them or argue with them for 2 days? I'd just drop it. 2wks after nc, he removed me off instagram after he told me he doesn't use that app anymore.
I feel like he lies a lot and when he puts me down, its cause thats how he views himself. I don't know, but why remove me off unless he wanted to spark some reactions which I didn't. We separated before but cont'd talking during our time apart. This is the first we're not in speaking terms. He said he's with someone, but I feel like that's a lie and whatever reason he wants space since I didn't give it to him the first time. The only reason why I feel like he's lying is because the wk before he said he was single then the wk after he said maybe he still does like me.
Then the wk after he thinks I'm ugly. He didn't want to tell me how long but before he told me he was seeing someone else for 5wks which that ended. I'm so confused, they say that girls are complicated but he's complicated. How likely will he come back to me? I'm really confused about his actions, for whatever reason I feel like if I talk to him now he will instantly reply back too.
His actions are confusing because he is quite confused himself. And like you said he puts you down because he has low self esteem. If I read correctly, it's been more than 6 months since you are trying to get him back. In my opinion, if he hasn't changed till now, he won't change in the future as well. He is going to continue to put you down and confuse while you wait for him to come back. In your case, I'll recommend you concentrate on moving on. Life is too short to put up with someone who doesn't respect you.
I understand the rules of NC and I am following them. My question is in mailing his things back to him. Should I not have done that? It’s done now and he has followed my lead and mailed my things back to me today.
I did not send a letter or text saying I needed time to myself. I sent nothing other than an empty box filled with his belongings. If I were him? My thought would be ‘she wants absolutely nothing to do with me’. And thus, he mailed my things back.
I wonder if I should send an email stating I mailed his things to be respectful and right now, I need time to myself OR just leave it as is – day 21 of no contact and keep moving towards the 30 days of no contact.
It was OK that you mailed him his things. Don't worry about it and there's no need to email him unless he contacts you first.
Thanks Kevin! Also, I broke up with him...I don't know if that changes your answer.
He said the number was 'dormant' and he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong .
I'm following your advice to the letter and I very much appreciate you responding!
Please disregard my out her thread bc I didn't see that you had answered here.
Nope it doesn't change my answer.
HI Kevin,
Thanks for the article.
My ex is an army officer..he just wanted me to become a doctor in order to get married...i told him that becomming a doctor isnt an easy task...then he said''ok amna...the day when u become a doctor..come back to me,otherwise go and find someone else,i will not accpt u until u become a doctor....'' :'(
That's the first time I've heard something like that. That's quite ridiculous. I will not recommend you pursue him. Instead, find something that you want to do in your life and do that. You will find someone who respects you for who you are and not what your title is.
OK. We dated for 2 and a half years very seriously. We got engaged in early 2013 and I broke it off but we wanted to stay together to work through our communication challenges when we have conflict. Conflicts became mutually verbally cruel - abusive you can say. We had a deep love. We are in our early 40's. I broke up with him 21 days ago and I have maintained NC. I mailed him his things (car key/suit jacket) and today, I have received a box of my things. Should I maintain NC? The reason I broke up with him was he had another cell/google number the entire time we were together that I was just notified of well, 21 days ago. So, there are trust issues clearly.
You should continue no contact. And him having another number is sort of a big deal. So before you think about getting back together, ask yourself if you can trust him again and what it'll take form him for you to trust him again. Before getting back together, lay out on the table what you expect from him and if he not willing to give you that, move on.
I am going to take your advice (sorry for the double comments via my 1st question)!
He said that the google number has laid 'dormant' and he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong....at all. And well, I think that is fishy. He uses the google number as a work number now and it's even on his business card so he certainly isn't hiding it at this point. It's not the only reason for the break up but a contributing factor. It was fishy to me.
I am taking your advice. Thank you for giving it to me! I have primarily female friends so getting a male opinion and a male who is a professional via this site....is a relief.
Thanks so much Kevin!
Hey kevin
My bf broke up with me because of a fight he says that if we stay together we will keep fighting i said sorry a thousand times and said that i wont fight again and will do what ever he says ...i text him a thousand times everyday but i get a very rude reply and mostly no reply..!! i want him back :'( cant live without him :'( what to do please help
Follow the plan Rania. You can live without him and you need to learn to be happy without him if you want him back.
We broke up 2 years ago and I still love him and though we broke up we still go out then we ignore each other for weeks or months then go out again, contact each other again then ignore each other again and the cycle continued for 2 years then last September we are together again as couple but then around February he left me again then the cycle continued we go out and text each other for weeks then after how many weeks or months ignore each other again but today he is dating someone and he even said to me that theyre officially a couple and it breaks my heart so much that I cant sleep and eat and all I do is cry whole day and night especially when I saw a picture of them together. She's so pretty and I'm ugly and miserable, I dont know what to do with my life now. What should I do? :( I want him back but I guess its too impossible.
Hey,
First of all stop berating yourself. You are beautiful and amazing person and anyone will be lucky to have you. You just need to get yourself out of this miserable state of mind. Follow the 5 steps mentioned in the article and learn to be a happy and confident person without him in your life. After that, if you still want him back, contact him.
Hey Camille,
After seeing your pic,before reading your story,the first thing i said was she is beautiful!!
No matter what,you should be confident.Work on yourself and make positive changes in your life.Remember,only you can make yourself happy so be strong and try to be the amazing person you are.
hi kevin PLEASE HELP!
My girlfriend and i broke up two days ago, she is 24 and i am 20, she has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, she has two little girls. Well the reason she broke up with me is because im really shy and embarrassed, i have acne scars on my face thats why, and she said to me that its not noticeable. shes a party girl, and for 3 months she wanted to go partying and going on trips and having fun, i told her to wait until i do my laser treatment and she said okay, and we just stayed at my house watched movies, once in a while go out to the park and have a little fun, but i was embarrassed thats why i didn't go out much, so then she she told me she lost her love for me, and that she waited but i didn't do anything, she told me to be confident of myself, and know she wants to be alone. What should i do kevin?? should i apply the no contact rule, in this situation? i recently told her i love her with all my heart and i would change and do better, but she has lost love for me, PLEASE HELP KEVIN!
Yes, apply no contact and build your confidence before contacting her. Go out on a few dates and don't contact her unless you satisfy the checklist mentioned in the beginning of step 4.
Hey Kevin. I would like to say thank you for all the advice you gave me. I've come to realise I no longer want to carry on with fighting to get my ex back. It's been 6 months since we split. Yes I do miss him. But he has no care in the world about me or the children. We are better off without him. If it wasn't for you given me advice I still be at wits end. Its time I gave up on him and move on. Thank you so much kevin x
I am glad I was helpful Kelly. I am sure the decision you made is the best for you and the children and I wish you the best for your life ahead.
Hi Kevin
My ex girlfriend recently came back into contact with me after seven months of NC, basically after she had broken up with her latest boyfriend. She ended up being upset after drinking at a party and called a bunch of people and I was the only one that picked up which led to me taking her home to sleep it off - invariably she kissed me in her drunken state as well.
Over the next few days she stated that she's missed me, wants to be my friend, we've hung out, texted, snapchatted etc and in that time she has decided to move away to Australia. I basically asked her straight up why she was moving? Only because it honestly seems like she is just running away from her problems, even to the point where she has said she doesn't want to mess things up with me again because it didn't 'work' in the first place. Why do I get the feeling this is just a facade? I've even asked her this and she couldn't answer me properly.
At the end of the day, I don't want her to move away cause I know she won't come back. Personally speaking, after being apart for so long and growing up, we could make 'it' work. What do I do? Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks,
Will.
If she is taking any big action for moving away (like buying tickets or selling her stuff here), then tell her that you want to work it out with her and ask her to stay. Until then, continue being in touch with her and having a good time with her.
Hi Kevin,
I'm trying to apply NC rule now. Before this, he told me to leave his world. I just wonder if NC rule is still work between us when he said like that. We didn't ended peacefully, and asked to leave is his last message to me. Shall I go on with the NC rule?
It's OK what he said. It's quite normal. Don't worry about it and do no contact.
Hi Kevin.
Getting towards 25 or so days NC with my ex who left me after 3 years together. She's blocked my texts as I did text a few times after the break as I have so many questions, but It's her birthday next week and I already had purchased her several gifts prior to the split. I was contemplating sending the letter, but is it appropriate to send these gifts with it?
Nope. Don't send the gifts. Leave it for later. When you are back together.
Many thanks. Really appreciate it, should I send anything, i.e. a card, or should I wait the full 30 or so days before sending the letter on it's own?
In context, the break was very sudden and strange for me. It happened on my Birthday, 25 Aug, and she gave me my presents, took me for a meal, whereby I noticed she was not herself, I asked her if she was going to dump me (as a joke) whereby she teared up and said "yes, but not today". There didn't seem much point in prolonging it after that. I'd just purchased a house with the intention of her moving in in October (which she pushed for) and settling down to start a family. Its completely floored me.
For her birthday, just send a short text and nothing else. You can send the letter after 30 days of no contact. If you don't want to send the letter, send a text.
Hi Kevin, Awesome thanks.
I'm pretty confident I'm probably still blocked, is there a purpose in sending
the text?
Followed the advice in the five steps so far... just don't think I'll ever get to show how much I've changed. I've stopped smoking, and kicked a 20 year addiction to cannabis. I'm in the best shape of my life, new clothes, new cut. Feel good, but know I still want her back, but it feels increasingly unlikely as she seems so determined to cut all contact with me for good.
Thanks for all the help here though, its deffinately helped me through a very dark time. You are literally a life saver
Hey Jacob,
The purpose of text is to reestablish contact in a casual manner which conveys you have almost moved on and you are not needy/desperate anymore. If you think you are blocked, you can email or send a hand written letter.
Kevin,
Thanks for all the help. Your site has been hugely helpful and motivational.
My ex is in the process of moving out of my apartment, little by little, so I'm forced to see her at least a few more times. Should I begin NC after everything is gone? Also, she says she can't imagine being completely out of my life. What do I do with that information, as it seems extremely confusing.
Thanks!
You can begin limited contact right now and do complete no contact when everything is gone. What she said is extremely common after a breakup and doesn't really mean much. She cares about you and is attached to you. Cutting you from her life completely scares her the same way it does to you. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back together in the future.
My ex ended things telling me "things were not the same anymore". The confusing thing is the week prior we spoke about marriage, and she said she of course would marry me and say yes if I popped the question. She always said I was the best this and that, but im just confused on what happened. In a message the morning after our break up she explained how sorry she was, but I never replied. The morning after she messaged me a long message mentioning about how great I was and how amazing I am. She said that what she said about marrying me was true but "unrealistic". She said that she'll always be there and hope I will as well... I haven't responded nor have I had contact with her since the night of our breakup. Do you imagine after following your steps it could have potential to work, or do you think I should just hurt while Im hurting and move on without the thoughts of potential with us in the future?
Hey Jason,
You should do NC. You will find the answer to your question during the NC period.
Hello,
I left work for a month and she unloaded about some things she was unhappy about right before I left. I was confused if it was over or not while I was gone so I kept talking to her as much as I could. When I got back she said that she was not interested anymore and she wanted to focus on herself. Its been about 2 weeks since this happened. I havent contacted her until yesterday when she said she had some stuff of mine she'd like to give back. What is eating me up the most is that I am really confused to why and how she made this decision. She seemed to be upset about minor things when I left, and now she has totally lost interest. Idk if she thinks I'm unattractive or what? Basically I just want to improve and grow from this so if I can get back together with her I know what do. Or just to help me move on. I know I shouldn't contact her, but I just want to know why she felt this way so I can move on. I need the reasons why.
thanks
Hey Kevin
During the 30 day NC , how long does it usually take for the urge to contact your ex go away? Seems to be getting worse!!!
Hi Kevin and all, a short recap on my situation, I broke up with my ex of 6 years back in april. I have done 2 months nc and tried initiating contacts with some of the texts. When i talk about random stuff.... He would respond politely, not raising any additional questions though.
I told kevin before that he promised to meet after my exam in end of Oct. but as he's being cold to my texts, Kevin suggested doing NC till at least end of Nov, unfortunately i broke it, I sent him a text asking how he's doing after 3 weeks of not contacting him. He ignored, then I send another one today asking if he could get his hands on the thing he wanted a long time ago which is available for sale today, then he replied "nah.... My internet connection is too bad"....
dunno why his only responding to these kind of texts. We have bot seen each other since May. What should I do next? Are my chance still high? thanks
Hey Flora,
You should still do the same thing. Do NC till end of Nov. You have to be strong and learn to be happy without him in your life. He still thinks of you as needy and someone who is just trying to stay in touch with him out of desperation. Unless you can change your attitude towards him, your chances are pretty low.
Actually I am being much independent now. I go out with friends and can actually stop interpreting what is going on with him / in his mind.
Would it be too late to do NC now? I mean according to what you said, he is dead set already?
I wouldn't say dead set, but your chances seem low. It's not too late to do NC. But don't break it until November end.
Actually, I have been following your advise, I picked up various sports now... Which I didnt have a chance to do when I am still with him. I have to say I enjoyed it a lot, coz I am a sporty person before I met him, but I tuned it down when I with him.
I actually think less of him
Already. But you're right, I do sometime reach out just to see what is going on in his life. as you suggested I should text him around 2 times a week earliet.
but right now NC is the best option for me now? And he can still see my pics on FB, as I am always going out with others.... Should I not
Let him see those?
Let him see the pics on facebook.
Hi.
I had this ex who left me last January. I constantly contacted him and he just shrugged me off. I followed everthing here and it worked!!! Especially the no contact rule.. but then heres the twist.
I wasn't that happy when he came back.. i had trust issues of investing time and love for.him again.. he constantly begged me to come back for 4 months. But I just didnt feel like it because I was too traunatized when he left me. It felt like he will leave me anytime he wants.. i acted like a single woman and he knew of my flirting with other guys.. still, he stayed with me. But then one day after bearing so much pain from me. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and again wanted to leave me.. with the same reason as the first time he left me
That he wanted to try new things in life and all that shit. He said hes been badly hurt with what I did.. I admit that I really got bitchy and kept on blaming him for what happened between us.
Now I miss him. It felt like the one that got away came back and then he got away again.
Do you think I still have the chance to get him back? Do the same rules here apply or its different now because its the second time around? What should I do. Please help me.
Hey,
Well, it will be less effective but it's still your best bet. And there's still a decent chance that it'll work. This time, work on your issues before getting him back. And learn to express your emotions in a healthy way. Blaming never does anything for a relationship.
I have made a mistake and Im really asking.for.his.forgiveness but he wont.budge... he saidhe doesnt want to be with me anymore. That he's tired of us and everything. :( is there even an 80% chance of getting him back?
It's OK Kanakana, people make mistakes. Follow the steps. I can't say what are the chances of getting back together, but there's a chance. And as long there's a chance, I am sure you would want to take it. So go ahead and follow the steps. Give him time to process what happened and stop apologizing if you've already apologized. Start anew after NC.
Hi Kevin. We talked yesterday.. He changed his mind and said that he's still open in getting back together but he's not sure when. He said it will probably last from 1month to 1 year.. he even said that he's also open in being in a relationship with other people since we don't know the futre. He also said that its okay if I find.someone new because we will find our way back if we are meant to be. He said he still wants me.to be his wife in the future..but he can't predict the future whether he'd fall inlove with someone else or I might fall.inlove with someone else. I'm really confused. I did my part and suggested ways to fix this.but he.seems to.need more.time.for.himself..yhe kissed me yesterday and it felt like.he really still loves me..His friend also.told.me that my ex keeps on.telling.her that he loves me..but I just don:t understand...What do you suggest I should do? :(
My suggestion is the same. Do a little bit of no contact and repeat the process.
How do you have no contact with your ex when children are involved?
I write about it in this article.
I'v just done the no contact rule then text my ex with a memory of a song that came on that was out when we got together, I said it made me think of you :) x , She replied lol x straight away. Should I text anything back or wait for abit?
Hi there. Love the plan, so very helpful and intuitive for the heart post heartbreak....thank you from the bottom of mine. So here's the deal. Been together for 3 years, always been insecure, always accused. Did things I'm not proud of because I was paranoid and I dealt with things very juvenile-y. So the last time I talked to my ex, he texted me after a short text convo we had that was reiterating to him that I wouldn't change and he said he couldn't stand me anymore. I took a deep breth and texted him back saying - I broke my own heart, I understand an I will not bother you. His reply was he would appreciate that. So I left it at that and was grateful for his last text saying he appreciated it cuz he could have easily said nothing. Any advice? Anything that you would do differently that would deviate from the original plan? I haven't contacted him it's been hard but I wanna show him (and myself) I am different and I do truly love him...
I wouldn't suggest anything different. All the best.
Hi kevin,
so I have read all of this and want my ex back desperately. Ryan says you can have her back by tonight but you say to wait thirty days. I'm not saying this to point out your flaws, I seriously want to keep which one I should do. I want her back. Please help!
Thank you!
Hey Kevin,
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. We recently were fighting so decided to mutually break up and work on ourselves separately to fix our own issues. We still hung out every now and then and I ended up watching her cousins apt with her and we were acting like a couple. It was great. Recently we planned to not talk as much and last night she texted me just saying stuff like "we should of never let ourselves get to this point" and "do you think there's still hope for us" but it turned into an argument and she brought up every mistake I made from the past. So we decided for a clear break up and she said "Than we need to be broken up. No more halfing it. It just makes it worse. " and she said "And as much as it kills me and rips my heart out, you need to know it's time to move on. Meet other people. " she said after that how hard it is for her to say that and how sick to her stomach it makes her. We've broken up in the past and she told me to move on and she went on a date with someone else and realIzed she wanted to be with me. Just wanted to get your perspective. I still believe there's a chance for us. Is it a good idea to fight for her and get her to realize it too? What should I do?
Fighting is not that big of an issue if both of you can work on your communication skills. I'd suggest you do NC, work on your communication, and get back in touch. Basically, follow the advice in the article.
Hello I found this website randomly. Well my wife left me 1 month ago. We've been together for 5 years. We have a 3 year old son together. She told me she was unhappy with our relationship. I did break the rules by contacting her constantly. Then she said she did go out on a date. I now need advice on what I should do?
Follow the plan Raul.
Thank you I will
thanks.
Dear all ,
after i finished NCP i was surprised of the result everything went fine she called me and start crying and gave an explanations why she went out how much she love and then we diced to met last week ,but one lady in my instg wrota a stuiped cooment a bout my ex ,
and was a very bad one . my ex now block me from all her phones fb everything i swear i have no idea i tried to contact her but no use should i go to her city and she is super far away ??? please can i have an advise ???
Don't go to her city. Wait another two weeks and try to contact her again. She will calm down eventually.
thank you Kevin,
but after i get the great result from your advices i was super happy and every thing start to be better than before ,but!! whats its hurts me is the blocking and i dont have chance to dfend my self she block me and I try to call her from other number she block too ,do you think she will unblock me again ? EVEN HER BROTHER BLOCK ME ....
Yes, most probably she will unblock you. Just give her some time to calm down and think things through.
Thank you so much but!! I swear I can't clam becouse my hands Is so tide this the 1st time we don't talk this much I'm so hurts .. I don't know really how many days I have to wait but really thank you so much for all the emails ..
Dear Kevin,
in the NCP its was easier without blocking ,
when I choice the NCP we both felt its for own good to have some space and every few days was a text to tell be around don't go away ,every time I go away she was coming closer . Thank you so much Kevin ,
but when its come to BLOCK no chance to reach her .
please can you advice please ......
Adam,
I can understand how you feel. Earlier, you were making a choice. Now, it feels like you are forced to stay NC. Which kind of feels like being rejected. Especially when you feel you can solve the issue by explaining to her what happened. This feeling is the reason why most people make the mistakes mentioned in the article. But the fact is, there is nothing you can do about it. And you have to learn to let the obsession go. Trust me, it goes away with time as you start concentrating more on yourself. There is a very strong possibility that she will unblock you in time and want to talk to you. So wait till she does. Give her at least two months and don't start worrying until those two months are over.
Kevin,
Thank you so much , I done my part she know perfectly what she mean to me ,
and she know how much i missing her but!! if she don't want to talk to me and again all the bad feeling and thoughts way out let see what will happened as im sure she will unblock me again .....
Best Regards,
Adam
Dear Kevin,
I really want her its so far more than 1 month there is no sign of her ,
ok i understand she was hurts and she need to calm but that to much for me I feel so bad nothing from her side i went for 2 dates , try to forget her , nothing work every where i go i find something remind me of her , her birthday is coming soon what i should do ??? please advice
ADAM ):
Hey Adam,
I'll suggest you do no contact a little bit more. If she hasn't unblocked you till then, you can try sending her an email or a hand written letter.
So I sent my ex a text 2 days ago and she finally responded. I was just so happy to see her name on my phone again. She responded by saying, "I've been good just busy with going back to work you?" I told her how much I've been working out and that I've lost weight. She sent me a few more texts but nothing special. I told her I would be saving money up to buy my own house. (She broke up with me after a week with living with her.) She just responded by saying that it will be good for me. So how often should I text her? How do I turn her texts into questions not just responses to mine?
Thanks in advance Kevin,
Jeremy
Just text her every once in awhile. If it's a recent break up I'd give it some time. Just ask her how she's doing here and there, once she starts getting more comfortable with talking with you again, ask her if she wants to hang out.
Great advice. I sent her a text during her favorite college football teams game with no response. I will try again in a week.
Hey Kevin, I just came across your blog and I am so glad!! My boyfriend and I just broke up last night, he's honestly a different kind of guy.. He's in the military and he can't see him self in a long term relationship full of commitment.. He's super scared of commitment which is why we broke up. He said it wasn't me that I am actually an amazing girlfriend he just feels like he doesn't deserve me. I honestly know giving us time apart will help. I guess I just want some advice on how I could make him feel like he is worthy enough to have me. We honestly care about each other so much but like I said he's scared of commitment and thinks I deserve better.
Thanks
Olivia
Hi Kevin,
To cut a long story short it's been 6 months since I broke up with my ex boyfriend because I wasn't happy. I suffered from low selfestime Inwhich seems to have gone now that I have been on my own for the past 6 months. However I have to admit I am still. 100% fully Inlove with my ex still. We've been in contact on and off however more recently it has become alot more frequent. Since he has seen that I am actually going travelling for 5 months in 2 months time he has actually been a lot nicer and more interested in my life. During a casual text conversation we had I asked him 'so what's new' and he started by saying how he's good ect and then through out there that he has 'no such thing as a love life'. Fine. Cool. Not the kind of conversation I particularly feel comfortable talking about with the person I love but still good news none the less. I am aware that he has dated a few people since we split, I however have only dated 1 person who in which I am still dating. He Is also a good friend of mine Which is what makes this situation so much more difficult as I would not ever want to hurt him. Following on from my ex telling me how he has no such thing as a love life he asked me what about mine? In which i responded 'complicated ' as the person I am currently seeing is away for 2 months then when he is back I go away for 5. I didn't want to go into too much detail with my ex as I felt uncomfortable however he still asked 'why is it complicated' which is when I informed him of both mine and my new partners situation. He responded with ' yeah I understand i remember us having the same issue' which by that he means. When we first met I was due to go and work abroad when I was left with a decision of to go and risk not being with him or to stay and see how things go. Which I stayed and now obviously we didn't work out. With that text he also said 'maybe someone will be willing to wait for you for when you come home'. Now. I've tried my best to not over think this because he could just be being friendly. But I'm confused. Does this mean he still has feelings for me? When I invited him over for the first time since we split he said 'I would have but I already have plans to see my friend' which I fair enough as I didn't give him much notice with the invitation. So we left it at that. Now when I went out the weekend follow this conversation he also came up out of nowhere to give me a hug and say hi. Which was nice. But then went on the rest of his night acting like I didn't exist. Am I going crazy? Please help. Jennifer xx
hi kevin, I would still very much appreciate some advice on this. I have been wracking my brains and my anxiety has started to come back just by stressing about it all. Thank you xxx
Hi Kevin,
I did tell you about the letter I sent him and you advised me to wait another month and send him a short message. But the fact he ignored my letter plus he is seeing someone else (only 1 and a half month after we broke up-apparently they're together now for 2 months) wouldn't it make me look needy? Yes I criticized him in the letter but I also wrote how much he has hurt me through that relationship. I would expect from him at least an apology.
I would so much appreciate your insight..
You shouldn't expect an apology from your ex. He doesn't owe you anything. I don't think a message after a month will make you look needy. If you want to get back in touch with your ex, you have to start things on a light note.
Hi again Kevin.
I've been doing no contact for 31 days now. I feel I've done everything on your checklist and am planning on ending no contact tonight. I'm going to end no contact with a text.
Just wanted to get your feedback on the text first. The text will be, "I was cooking breakfast for dinner for my family tonight. It reminded me of you. How are you doing?"
I cooked for her all the time and her favorite meal was breakfast.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Jeremy
Sounds good Jeremy. Good luck.
So she didn't respond to the email and it shows she didn't even read it. So where do I go from here? Wait a week and try again? What do I say on the next text?
Ugh...
Correction, it was a text.
Yup, wait again. Make it two weeks. You also have the option to try the letter this time.
My ex and I broke up probably only a week and a half ago and it drove me crazy. There are some days where I feel nothing at all and there are some days where I'm bawling my eyes out and some where I'm feeling so anxious I get heart pain.
Now before going out we were talking for a long time, he was trying to chase me but I had absolutely no interest in him. One drunk night lead to other things and I guess I decided to give it a chance, sooner or later with his princess treatment, he works a lot and smokes. He thinks he leads a very "stressful" life. We barely have time to spend with each other and he decided to quit smoking. Soon he was stressed again but didn't tell me why, (it was job related) he neglected me for two days. (Two texts throughout the whole day) and I felt upset and gave him the cold shoulder too and tortured him. We were good for about 2 weeks and then stupid little arguments started to come up because he tried quitting again and he said smoking is his life and he turns into a completely different person if he doesn't smoke. We were okay and then one night I got very drunk and pat him lightly while asking him why he was so stupid and saying I wont't take shit from him and such.
We broke up the next day at a club, both having consumed alcohol he tells me I made him feel the lowest of the low and how he wanted to kill himself and hes too stressed how he has commitment issues and he doesnt have time for a relationship and said we should break up for NOW. (key words , for now) and then in the cab ride between me sobbing and him tearing, he says I love you and I still love you and such. When I got out of the cab we said it again kissed and I went to go sob in my friends arms drunk. He texts me the next day ( which confused me since he broke up with me) saying he'll get better but he needs to know that I will too . Ever since this break up we haven't really spoken. I sent one or two texts. He has cold replies, we bumped into each other at pool place and played games together for a few hours and acted like we never broke up (I'm taking this really badly I've been confused as hell) and that confused me because we were very playful and flirty and laughed and acted like a couple and did everything except kiss.
Now he texted me after that casually, we were having quick responses and then he just vanishes again. I don't understand how to act, does he still have feelings for me? IF I want him back what are the steps? I'm going to try ignoring him for a while but it feels shitty because what if he never messages me? I'm not too sure on how to feel at the moment. He changed his fb status and picture but still has the picture of me and him kissing and all the pictures of us together on instagram..... I don't know what he wants so I'm confused about what I want. To move on because he told me to move on and not to wait for him and that I deserve somebody who can treat me better and all that sappy sad jazz. Argh
Esther.
any feedback kevin? we havent spoken in 5 days and its driving me crazy.
Hey Esther,
Just follow the plan. You have to regain composure and learn to be happy without him before you can end no contact.
Me and my ex been apart for 5 months now. The past couple of weeks we have got on fine. Texting each other. But yesterday I txt him 3 times and no reply. I txt him saying his son took his first steps. Still not replied. Don't understand why he's being so cold towards me. We not fallen out. And neither of us is in a relationship with anyone else. Do anyone no why he's being this way. ???
I think he is kinda confused.Don't freak yourself out.If he's warm,you be warm.If he's cold,you be cold.Don't be the one who initiates contact most of the times and don't text him more than once when he doesn't reply.
Thanks a.z iam greatfull to you and yes I will take yours and Kevin advice. :-)
There could be many reasons for that Kelly. There's no point in overthinking it. But a good rule of thumb is if he doesn't reply to one message, you shouldn't send another. It makes you look needy. I'll suggest you wait one week and try again.
Thankyou I appreciate your advice. :-).
Hi kevin. Just a update. My ex change his number. And contact me on Monday. :-). Any ways I txt him Tuesday morning and ask if he fancy coming over for tea. And his reply was. Would I get funny with him if I didn't. And he didn't want to give me mixed feelings. And ive not txt him back. Is this the sign he is over me and don't want to try again.
Kelly, perhaps he doesn't want to try again, but it doesn't mean he is over you. You have to take things slowly and not lower your expectations in the beginning. You don't want to make it obvious you want him back. Once he agrees to meet you, talk to you and hang out with you, he will find himself attracted to you once again and start thinking about getting back together.
Oh yeah and I am 24 and my ex girlfriend is 24... If that helps haha sorry I just read the terms of conmenting.
I need help!
First I want to say I followed this guide completely and it worked with fantastic success!
My girlfriend broke up with me, no full reason, just that we were fighting and I was 'treating her badly'. Wasn't true, she just made up shit all the time and would believe it.
Anyway point is! I decided no, she is not respecting me when I contact her so I didn't contact her for over a month. No contact as you said, at all.
I sent her a letter in the mail. Basically saying it was a good decision to break up you did the right thing and I see this as an opportunity to be happy for myself, but maybe we can get back together one day but I'm happy now and I'm lookin forward to the future! (I didn't feel this when I wrote the letter but a few days later I embraced being single and became myself again)
She never replied but she did send a text after a few days saying thanks for the letter. I simply replied and said that's okay have a good weekend. And didn't contact her at all for a few days until...
We actually Did randomly bump into each other at a church service. She was there and I was there and we don't usually go there so she came and awkwardly hugged me, then I felt strange so I walked away when she wasn't looking. She came and found me and sat next to me asking how I was going. I said I'd cancel my part of the flight we booked to London as that's what she wanted and basically left. She ran after me and said why did you send me that letter? I said I just felt it was right and then left.
Okay so a week after that it was her birthday so I asked her just to have coffee and I'd give her a present. She was late and said why not have dinner instead so I said sure thing we had dinner I have her lots of expensive and very specific presents (I know this goes against your advice in a way)... But honestly it was like a massive judo move.... She was treating me like I was an ex, I was treating her like I knew everything about her by giving her specific presents but then not caring if she wanted to go out with me or not caring of the result of giving those presents. She was amazed and never drinks but ordered two cocktails. Since that night she has came over my house really late once and I gave her some dinner, she was really tired though and only stayed for 20 mins.
So why I need help. I know she wants me, but where do I go from here. I think the thing that has helped me the most is my attitude that I am my own man and don't need to rely emotionally on the woman for satisfaction or fulfilment, that one way of thinking has led me here...
I know what I want- I don't want her to treat me the same as she did so I am hesitant to just go back out. I want to go out with her so we can enjoy spending time together, and grow together... But I want room and time and support to do the important things I know I want to do with my life like write a book, reach people, grow my own business, grow in myself... If I don't get at least support to allow me to do the things I need to do then I don't want to be with her. I do want to look after her though, I want a house, a family, etc... But I want to first establish my own business and write and do things that I'd do no matter who I was with or without.
How can I progress to be with her (cuz she is hot 9/10, has the same basic religious belief, is a hard worker, is smart). But she does has flaws, she doesn't always see the big picture and that's where my business and plans get tramped on. Please if you have any advice on 1. How to progress to going out (I don't mind if this takes months). 2. How to ensure I am able to still be myself and do what I need to do while being in a relationship.
Ps. I know not many people, and especially women, really care much about my own ambitions, it's enough that they are supportive... I am a realistic and caring and thoughtful guy... I just got massive vision and want to grow as a person.
Please reply of you think you can help. Thank you so much for your blog!
1. Just stay in touch with her and maintain your attitude. Don't turn needy. Let things progress slowly.
2. If she is someone with whom you can't be yourself, then don't be with her. You can try to make it work, explain her what you need in the relationship and be honest about what you want. But if she is not compatible with your life goals, you will be better off without her. Otherwise, you will be spending a lot of energy in trying to make things work with her (explaining her what you are doing and why you are doing it, arguing etc.), and less energy on your life goals.
Thank you!
Totally needed to read this!
I appreciate the reply!
Bless you!
Ex broke up with me back in February. I cried and was devastated but I respected his wishes to be apart and didn't contact him for 3 weeks. When I did, I was very amicable and he replied but I didn't push my luck, so I left him alone. At first things were awkward because we work in the same building but as months went by he became comfortable around me again. Then came the flirting, compliments etc and now it's to a point where it's like it was before we broke up. I'm confused a little but I refuse to chase him. I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
Can I get a reply?
It's hard to say what he is thinking. There's a chance that he is thinking about getting back together. But you can never know for sure. The only thing you can control is your actions and decisions. A good idea will be to wait a while for him to make a move. If he doesn't then you should. If things don't work out even if you make a move, then you should consider moving on.
He asked me to eat lunch with him on Monday. The last time he texted me was about 4 months ago. Not sure why he would do this again out of the blue. Then the day before, he tweeted me on Twitter out of nowhere when he never does. I haven't done anything or said anything about this, just keeping my cool. Deep down, I want to be with him again but I won't compromise my dignity or be blind to anything. I want to make a move....when we're alone he acts way different than he does when it's out in the open but that's because we're at work. But I never hear from him outside of work. That's what made me think that he's not all that interested. That's what made me not contact him either bc I was thinking 'if he wanted to talk to me or see me, he would just ask. he's not shy.' I don't know what to think so I've done nothing in the meantime until his true motives show eventually.
Anyone?
Kevin:
Thanks for all of your help. Your email series has been very enlightening. I have recently decided that not only do I not want to be "just friends" with my ex, but I do not want her at all. Perhaps this has to do with me meeting another girl that I think is even better for me (though I don't even think she's interested in me). But whenever I am with mutual friends and my ex is there, I just realize I hate being around her now. I've recently discovered that I find her really annoying. She drinks a lot and is obnoxious and rude now. She's been nothing but rude to me since the breakup, and so I don't feel any desire to talk to her or see her again.
This was a huge change since last time I posted here. I was still really depressed and hoping she would talk to me. She never did, and I'm glad.
I just want this to be a lesson to people out there. Sometimes it's overwhelming, the feeling of having had what you wanted for the rest of your life and lose it for whatever reason. But with time, things happen and change how you feel about it completely. I used to feel like I would never want to date anyone but my ex, and now I don't think I will ever want to date her again. Keep that in mind when going through all of these steps. Best wishes to everyone out there.
Great comment David! After being broken up with by ex only 2 and a a half weeks ago, I have been looking around for tactics to make him miss me and such, but at the same time, I have what you said in the back of my mind. It is nice to hear this perspective as well :).
Kevin and a.z
The fact that he didn't contact me at all through my 50 days of NC and he hasn't responded to my email I sent 4 days ago, isn't it an indication he is indifferent to me? He has clearly moved on...
Hey Julia,
Perhaps he was a little put off by your letter since you were just criticizing him in it. I think you can wait another month (at least two weeks) and send a short message.
After 7 months apart, my ex is begging for me back.It took time but it worked.
Your words,your emails and everything helped me in going through the most terrible days/months of my life.Every step of your plan works.You made me so strong that i don't even want to get back with him.
Thank you so much for everything.
a.z
Wow!! You've made it! Good for you! I wish I could be at the same place you are.
May I ask you something please? I sent him 'the letter' after 50 days of NC. I must say it was not like the one recommended in Relationship Rewind. I mean I told him that this break up was indeed the best solution for the both of us. But basically in the whole letter I talked about his mistakes and how much he disappointed me. And that I realised he never loved me. I think I should follow a permanent NC and if he contacts me then I'll decide how will I handle it.
I would so appreciate your advice..
Hey,
Don't worry about anything.No matter what happens,you will be fine.
If you have read Relationship Rewind and the 5step plan so you already know what exactly you need to do.Restart NC and wait until he contacts you (or contact him again after some time ).I'm sorry i don't remember your story.Are you at Drift stage or Death's door?
I would say Death's Door :(
Here is my story (you have offered your advice back then as well):
Hey,
I read your story.I don't think if you are at Death's Door.
Make positive changes in your life and try to be a happy person without him in your life.
Here’s a checklist for ending no contact.
-You followed the no contact rule for at least one month.
-You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
-You have made a few positive changes in your life.
-You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision.
-You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
-You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
-You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.
Then you can follow the rest of the plan.
Best of Luck :)
You are welcome a.z. And thanks for your contribution to this website. We are all proud of you and appreciate having you here.
Dear Kevin,
You should be proud of yourself.You were a miracle in my life.
Thank you so much for your kind words xoxo
What if i already told her, in a fit of rage, that i am not going to talk to her ever again. Should i somehow let her know i am doing fine before starting the NC over or should i just remain out of contact with her?? Thank you.
Just remain out of contact. If she tries to contact you, tell her you need some space and time and continue no contact.
How can you do a no contact month if you share a child with the ex?
Read this article.
Hello all ladies,
I have a question for any ladies here who have been into a lost rebound relationship and gone back to their ex for good?...
This whole website summed up by a sentence...
Just be yourself.
...If you can't do that then perhaps you aren't meant for each other.
I do agree with a lot of this "process" but ultimately you have to do something from the heart to show him/her that they are special to you. You can pussyfoot forever but you do have to make a move or move on eventually. Just be sincere when that opportunity comes about.
Hey Kevin/Friends,
Well, my ex has changed his mind again. He said he can't handle the distance. I gave him a deadline. I said commit by this weekend, or we are through for good. Tonight he told me that he just can't do it. Now it is time to move on.
Thank you so much for your advice Kevin. It has really helped me through the last six months. But it is time for me to let him go now, and as heartbreaking as that is, I just don't think I have the energy to worry about whether or not I've said the wrong thing, why he isn't texting me back, who he is hanging out with tonight, etc. It's too hard. I appreciate everything and your support. Maybe one day down the road things will work out between us. But for right now, it is time to let go.
You made the right decision Jaici. All the best.
Jaici,
I am in the exact same boat as you. Your story sounds just like mine. My ex and I broke up and tried again but too much went wrong. Things went well again but he couldn't commit either and I didn't feel like I was special and that he would put college and stuff before me, which is fine but not when you're in a relationship. Give him time, give yourself time. Be your best you and love yourself and you will attract that love you deserve, whether it is him or someone else and better :) Let me know if you wanna talk, we have this in common!
Hi Kevin,
I've been doing no contact for the past 24 days now. My girlfriend and I are 27 years old and were together for over a year and a half. How long should I wait from the time I end no contact until I ask her out again? In your 5 step plan it seems like you want us to do it quickly.
Thanks in advance,
Jeremy
Contact her after 30 days of no contact, provided you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of step 4.
Hi Kevin,
What should you do during the no-contact if your ex works at the same workplace you do? You see her every once in a while when you have the same shifts.
I wrote about it here.
Kevin,
I've asked for some advice on here before, but here's an update. I have been hanging out with my ex of 5 years for about the last 4 months. Before I had explained she is not doing well financially and I have been helping her out. We have done many things together and do a lot of things couples do together (go out for dinner, hang out with each others family, even took a short trip together.) About a month ago I asked if she wanted to date again. She stated that she wasn't in a good place and just wanted to be friends. Last Friday I decided I was going to meet up with her and break it off. I sort of did and we didn't talk for a few days. She asked if I was playing games and ignoring her. I truly didn't know. This girl has always meant the world to me, even when I was in another serious relationship. I understand shes not in the best place in her life, but want to be there for her more than friends and realized both her and her family are people I want in my life. What would be your next move if you were me? Again, thank you for the advice in advance..greatly appreciated.
Hey Kev,
Firstly I'd like to thank you for the big work you're doing for us broken hearted people ,thank you so much again.So here is the thing: I had the greatest 3years relationship with my ex girlfriend, we were living together, and everything was perfect, untill she had to move to another country for one year, I was frustrated by the idea of her leaving, she promised that the distance wont influence the relationship, and that she will try to visit as much as she can.So she left, and she wouldnt want to talk to me like before, I was told that she was depressive because of the new life and leaving her family and everything, one day she came to me and told me that she's not in love with me anymore, she's not attracted to me , and that she wants me as a friend, she doesnt know what triggered it, she said she's just tired and doesnt wanna think about it for the moment even though she says its the best relationship she ever had, I decided to make the NC, after one week she contacted me and told me that she flirted with another person, and that she's so sorry and full of regrets and that she's lost and she doesnt know what to do, she said that she's sad because she knows that im the best person for her, but she just doesnt love me anymore, she asked for help, I accepted to help her , I tried to take her out of her depression, by trying to remind her of her old self and our memories together, but she was avoiding the conversations where i try to make her read articles about depression ,she doesnt even think that she's depressed... I couldnt bear it anymore, I was waiting the whole day to talk to her, and doing research to help her out, but she wasnt trying, so we skyped, and i told her that i cant do this anymore, that i would give her the time she needs, she said that she wont give up on me, and i told her the same thing, she also said that we should wait until she makes the first contact (so i feel like i depend on her contact and its not good)also, she's coming in decembre, so we agreed to meet on decembre to see what 'll happen, but I dont feel like im in control of the situation, because maybe she will have in mind that im waiting for her and she will not miss me ...what should i do?? please Kevin help me
Thank you again
Hey Kevin,
so here is an update to the situation: so after 4 days of no contact, she kept sending me messages, asking me to talk to her, and not punish her for something she didnt control, she asked all my friends to make me talk to her (of course not as a lover), so I did talked to her. She said let's try talking like the usual and see what'll happen, so i started talking to her again everyday(but without the sweet words). yesterday I felt really terrible, and she noticed it , she said you're my other half please tell me what bothers you, so I told her that I cant imagine her with someone else, and she said dont worry we'll talk about this later, i have some positive news about it, so now im still waiting. From time to time she sends me a sad emo expressing her sadness about the distance and how things could change if we were close in that moment. im trying to talk to her as we used to do, but i can feel that she can't answer me when i say I love you,and when she says i love you, it really means as my bestfriend, some people suggest i dont talk to her anymore until she comes in december, some suggest that we keep talking. I really dont know what can work, I know that we had the best relationship ever, and she still thinks she will eventually love me again, but, what can i do to make that happen?? please Kevin help I'm really lost
Hey Al,
I think if you two are in good terms and things are moving forward, then keep doing what you are doing. If you realize that things are stalling or she is getting cold, tell her that you both should stop contact and do NC for a month.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you so much for your answer, I feel indeed that the situation is stalling these two days , so I'll give it one day or two to see if anything changes, if not I'll go NC like you advised, and I'll keep you updated .
I'm grateful for your help in these darks days, thank you again
Hey Kevin really hoping you could give me some advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating 2 and a half years. I met her my senior year of high school but she's 2 years younger. We have such an amazing relationship and been together through so much. I really screwed up bc I was very controlling and she felt that I didn't trust her. I deeply regret and am doing everything I can to change. I'm now a junior in college and she's a freshman. I am doing my best to give her space and starting from 2 days ago I have done the no contact rule. Her last text to me is that she will always love me and still cares about me. She said she is very confused because it's not 100% there with us and this kills me to hear. Her mom and I have gotten close because we have been dating for so long and she told me that I need to not text her for a little and that my girlfriend told her mom that in a few days she would text me. It's tough but I am completely ok with that. I was very upset last night because I noticed that she blocked me on Instagram and took off our anniversary date on twitter and Instagram. She doesn't trust that I can give her this space and not text her so I'm thinking maybe she's trying to see if I will text her about this problem I'm having but I won't. Need help because I am trying to get her back so badly and will do anything to change and improve but I need her to give me the chance to show it. Hope u can help
I know this is for people with established relationships but maybe you can help, will try and keep a 4yr story short.
Met a guy about 4yrs back and the moment I spoke to him, I kind of knew I wanted him in my life forever, I had a short lived initial attraction, which faded after he did some things I didn't like early, on and off chatting, till I just let go one day, after that he saw me out and ended up contacting me and spending almost everyday with me for months, but I was in love with an on and off fling and I even let him know this. He hated the guy and even the next guy (will talk about that one later).
We stayed very good friends and we would chat for hours all day almost everyday sometimes. When he finally met someone, he said he had found the one and I was so jealous, but they broke up soon because she was "clingy". After which I was not sure of my feelings anymore so I didn't act. We had a big fight sometime later and we did not speak for a year. He was very mean and I said a load of hurtful things. When we finally had a sit down which I initiated, he seemed so sad and like he missed me, like a puppy. We started hanging again, but then I met someone else, after which we lost contact.
I reached out to him this year and he seemed happy, I met up with him and his friends and we had a fun night which led to a drunken kiss which he initiated. Asked him if he liked me and he said "you know I do", I asked him why he never said anything, ashamed to say I don't remember his response due to being intoxicated, but I went on to say I like being his friend. I got a bit scared and decided to choose friendship over anything and I ended up steering convo back to friend zone territory. Already had one heart break this year, didn't feel I could risk another one, especially not with him.
Problem now is I have had to initiate every contact and convo since and the last time we hung out with a group, he gave me minimal attention which is a big contrast to all the attention he gave me the night we kissed and for the first time I saw him show another girl interest in front of me and that hurt. I asked him if he was in a relationship at all and he said no, then I asked specifically if he was dating the girl, he said no again and gave reason why not . He gave her subtle touches that show there is definitely something brewing, so I wasn't that convinced. Ended up saying goodnight with a knot in my stomach.
I had a bit of a problem with my car at his and I took a cab, sent my driver to get my car and called him to give him the heads up, he never called back or replied to my messages, figured he was still asleep after a long night, driver got the car from outside without any hindrance from security, but he never called back or sent a message to see if my car situation was sorted. I normally wouldn't care if not for new developments but I was upset he was not being a gentleman, so I sent a sarcastic message saying "thank you for checking if I got my car" and he responded "Welcome". That had me reeling, but I've been quiet since. I realize I'm ready to take the risk, since there is no friendship left to lose (not interested in one sided friendship). Will the no contact rule work for me, it came naturally to me before to disconnect from him, now that I have these feelings I'm not sure what to do. HELP! I just want to know how he feels and hopefully it's positive and we date and if not I move on and maybe we'll reconnect as friends in the future.
Hey guys! i've just started a conversation with my ex, we haven't talked for like 3 months. I still feel kind of insecure of writing to him, but he is in my town so i couldn't resist starting a conversation.. What should i do now after the conversation? should i let him be for a few days or snapchat him later? I asked him if it's good between us, he said yes. Down below is my recent updates from everything between me and my ex!
i would love some help..
I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. :( i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. :( but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance :(
What do you guys think?
One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want :(
Help wanted!
Lovisa :)
We also haven't talked for 3 months.. :P and our relationship also lasted for almost 6 months time.. :) we are really alike here... though with my relationship.. it was my boyfriend who was immature... its really difficult but in those 3 months... But I learned to fix my character... I became stronger... I molded myself to learn how to stand up on my own two feet without him ever helping me up.... I STILL LOVE MY BOYFRIEND... I TRULY DO.... I ALWAYS HOPE HE FEELS THE SAME WAY... But remember... BE READY... for him to never go back to you... that's just a tip i had to learn on my own... and it's.. painful... but needed and helpful... :) I wish you all the best.. :)
Dear Kevin,
My ex has texted me on few days since 23 August and I was cold in my reply. Then couple of days ago I texted him "I wish to share something with you but not sure if I should?" and he was trying to call me or text me but I've ignored him and said 'Sorry missed your call I've been very busy"... Yesterday, he texted and then spoke on the phone for two hours. He said he will always love me and be there for me as a 'friend' but I should look after my future, use my brain not my heart and marry someone rich but he'll always love me. I was bit standoffish on the phone with him cos I was tired. but then, something weird happened and after the two hour phone call he texted again and somehow (I don't know what happened) we ended up sexting! OOPS! That's something I haven't done before and felt bit awkward after although I wasn't doing anything just chatting but afterwards, I did tell him that it was wrong and we will NEVER sleep with each other cos it'll create confusion. He agreed and said this wasn't sex it was just chatting and sharing memories about us. He kept telling me I'm beautiful, young and strong (he always says those things to me) and that he knows I will do great in life etc... then he asked me to accompany him to Bali for a holiday and I said that's wrong! NO. I don't know if the texting about sex was a very bad thing to do or it's ok, we're only human or NO I shouldn't have at all given him that false hope... He's not asking me to get back together and he reassured me that he's not interested in anyone else and he's concentrating on his future (basically what I'm doing also). He's very comforting to me but it's bit confusing cos it's like he still loves me but he's wishing me a lifetime of happiness with someone who can offer me stability in life, it's contradictory - He wants to keep me in his life and be my 'best friend' but you Kevin said it's not possible to be friends with an ex and the texting proves it... What's going on? What does he want?
Hi Rihanna (we meet again..),
I think this guy keeps telling himself that he wants to be friends with you.. But he really wants something else, that's what I think. But keep in mind that you shouldn't be that 'plan B' woman who he chooses when everything else fails with other women. Maybe you should stay a bit cold until he says what he wants?
And about the sexting.. yea that's awkward lol. Even I try to evade those convo's for now. But you handled it well afterward with saying that it wasn't okay and you refused his invitation for the Bali-trip.
Don't let your hopes down because I heard the same things :) "I wish you the best/don't get your hopes up/we should stay friends/they don't understand that I talk to you as a friend" blah.. After those words he sent me a text with "If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are". I think that's kinda true.. Staying friends when you two love each other will cause more awkwardness. And it will be hard IF he starts dating another woman..
Thank you Zahra my dear :)
Your advice is great! I know for a fact he's not after dating other women and he's really sick of the dating scene and wants to settle but he's not in the right place in life to do so now, cos he's been sick and has little money. Anyway, I know it's awkward what we did but he keeps reassuring me that he isn't dating anyone but can't make me wait for him until he's ready so he's asking me to move on but he's afraid that I actually will... I'm concentrating on myself and he's doing his part too but he keeps talking to me about the future and giving me advice and telling me he'll always be there for me no matter what... I think you're right it will be very hard if he starts dating and very hard for him if I start dating, but we're still very much attached to each other... Thank you so much for sharing that quote it's beautiful... Good luck and I wish you all the best for a bright future, wish you all the happiness too xxx
Hi Rihhanna,
I was wondering how you are doing and if there's any progress in your situation?
I'm doing very well now, hopefully you're doing well also.
With love,
Zahra
Rihanna* (made a typo)
Hey Kevin,
I posted my story yesterday and It didnt appear on the comments, what did i do wrong?
Hey Alice,
I don't usually accept questions in the comment section.
Really looking for some good advice here. Me and my ex work together in a business of 4 employees we are 2. I just Don't know how to go about the 30 days no contact. I went through an episode of mania --- I have bipolar. He wants to get back together but there is a lot of pain and no trust because I took off for a month. We want to get back together, we love eachother, have 2 beautiful boys, good communication, and a great plan for the future we both were looking forward too. I won't do any of the Deadly Mistakes but I really need some advice on the 30 day no contact... he has a girlfriend and I have been with another person since we split 3 months ago... and we have continually been intimate since then....
Hey Bre,
If you both want to get back together, then I don't think you need 30 days of no contact. What you need is an open honest communication with him and the willingness to work on the trust issues. If you want some time off, tell him that you need some time and space and do limited contact for one week. Also, you both should try couples therapy. If trust issues is your only problem, then couples therapy can definitely help.
thx for the advice we haven't broken up but were on the verge of it so I wanted to get advice before it happened so I didn't make a single mistake thankyou so much
Hello Kevin;
I really need your advice on this one. I posted before on August 6. After I requested NC from my ex officially, he sent an email (see below) couple of days ago which I have not responded yet. This was after 16 days of NC. If I read in between the lines I can sense he is saying although I love you and I will love you for so long but do not respond because I am scared of the future for us. I think that I won't respond as he requested and wait for couple of more weeks and send a text message like what was suggested (I remembered you when I learned that our favorite restaurant is closing). You think this is good? Does he mean by his email what I mentioned above that is why he asked for me not to respond? Thank you for your great help.
“I am writing, violating your restriction against me for which i apologize, to tell you that I have not stopped thinking about you. Not since that last moment. I knew as soon as i made the decision to not see you again that I would regret it because I felt that I was making a huge mistake and I knew it. But I was scared for you, for us and the future that we would have.
I want you to know that I still love you as much as I did and it will be that way for a very very long time. I do ask you not to respond please. I really just wanted for you to know you are not in this alone. I love you and hope you have happiness and love around you at all times. You were the highlight of my year.”
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me August 8th. I haven't spoken to her since August 11th. We were together for just over a year and a half, and we're both 27 years old. She broke up with me one week after living together. It was a very difficult break up for me. She stated that the reason she wanted to break up was that there was something fundamentally missing in our relationship and she didn't think either one of us would be able to fix it. I thought we really had a great relationship and didn't have many problems. I really feel my chances are very slim in getting back with her. I will be following your plan and I'm really hoping it works. But my question is how many people come on here for help with little hope in getting back together, and actually get back together?
I'm really looking forward to your response,
Jeremy
Hey Jeremy,
I don't have the exact figures but a lot of people do actually get back together. Here's a testimonials page where you can find some of the success stories. There are a lot more in my email inbox.
Hello, thank you for the useful advice and tips presented here. I'm just at the point of giving up. I'll try and keep this story short - my ex and I meet about 6 years ago where we worked together, then became friends,then got together for about 2-3 years. During that time his parents split up, causing him to not want to get married ever. I also developed RTS/PTSD and became dissociative. He moved out but we hooked up a couple of times, the last being my birthday. After that I got into counselling and eventually told him what was going on 7 months later - by which time he was seeing someone else (in another country). He got together with her about 8 weeks after my birthday. He was angry, hot and cold when we met with mutual friends, the last I heard was at Christmas when he rang asking if i'd ever want to be with someone who didn't want to get married. Then he completely avoided & ignored me till a friends leaving do - he initated contact, then we had a bit of a chat over email. Another mutual friend decided to have a talk with him about us (without my knowledge or permission) - then he stopped communicating again. I've returned his things and gone to NC. His gf is now here I think, but he's asked mutual friends how I am. I've put myself back together and am getting back out there. Is he just a jerk?
Hello Kevin,
I know you must get dozens of these a day, but I would really love some 'professional' help.
I broke up with my boyfriend about a week and a half ago, because I got upset and I said something and he took it as breaking up. Well admittedly I fucked up and I texted him. He said that I broke up with him, that I really hurt him, with the possibility of me moving away he doesn't want to go through this again, and I'm just emotionally distant. But he also said you're a wonderful person and an amazing girl, I just feel really hurt inside more than I ever have with anything'
Well I have started the no contact. I'm not just wanting him back due to the recent break up. I didn't think my words through, and we had a very good relationship, I don't want me moving to be the reason this is cemented,
I took the little quiz and it said that I had 65% chance of getting back with him. Do you think I actually have a chance?
Thank you for your time! Have a great day ^.^
You do have a chance. Follow the plan.
I searched the site but could not find the quiz you are talking about...would you mind telling me where to find it? Would be very appreciated, thank you!
You can find it at the bottom of every blog post.
Hey all, haven't been here for a while. I have been focussing on my life trying to improve on every part I could and I tried to have a good connection with my friends. They supported me through my whole 'depression'. And guess what, it was all well worth it. I accomplished what everyone here on the forum is looking to accomplish. Yes I got my girlfriend back but thats not the thing we are here to accomplish it was to be ourselves again, and the person you lost will see that old you again, the one who they felt for. Its been 12 weeks since our breakup and here we are again. Finally back together. You will have ups and downs but the thing is you shouldn't focus on the getting part back. Hell no, one week ago I couldn't even think i would have contact with her, but the spark was there when we met and the inferno is unleashed. She was also in a rebound relationship for probably 8 - 9 weeks. And it is true what kevin has told us. It is a rebound, she dumped him because she missed me and it just wasn't the same, it was not me who contacted her, hell no, she did and when she did, I played hard to get, don't let her look in your cards. Put that pokerface of you on and play it cool, not unattracted cool but an awesome person who just enjoys his life. And if they want they can join that awesome roller coaster and be part of your awesome life. So what I wanna say, its not about your ex, its about you.
Hey Niels,
So how did you enjoy yourself?..taking back your confidence through those short 12 weeks?...did you show a lot improvements via Social Network Facebook page?
Hey Jack, First of all I went for a complete look makeover, put those glasses down and put those contact lenses back in. I bought new clothes, new parfum, new shoes, just the whole package. I was active on Facebook but not more than usual, I would post some things I do, showing I am enjoying myself with a lot of other people who enjoy being with me. Its not only about posting photos with the opposite sex, but also with people from the same sex. Just show the world you can handle it without your ex. How did I do it in 12 weeks? I gotta give credit to my mates, they were litterly there for me everyday, I met my best mates everyday for the past twelve weeks and they listened to all the bullshit I had to let go, and they listened, even if I already told them, they would listen. And your mates is a good way to see if you are doing your improvements well, when I did my clothing make over, they were enthusiastic. They would tell me when they saw me, man you look good, keep it up.
Niels,
Congrats! That's great news! I am almost facing the same situation. But don't know if I have the same results though. My ex is in a rebound relationship almost 2 months after we've broken up. And yes I agree with you on the fact that they should contact us first.
How long you guys have been together? Did you apply NC?
Hey Julia, every situation is unique, but the way to approach it might be the same. Me and my girlfriend were together for one year and five months before we broke up. But we lived together for one year and five months. We had a strong relationship, really strong but the latest months things didn't go so well. She met a boyfriend and thats when I applied no contact. It started with a month of no contact where I tried to contact her and she was not ready for it yet, being really cold to me showing me no emotions. When I found out she was in a relationship I didn't text her, didn't call her, let her find out herself. She did contact me after 3 weeks when she was in that rebound, acting really depressive so I went to talk to her and tried to put her life on rails again, even though she was with someone else, I was the only one who knows her and could talk to her, so I did, felt it was my job to do it, I did care 1,5 year for her, why shouldn't I now. Then we didn't contact for another week, again her contacting me first, and we did some talking, random talking, nothing about the past. Didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks, untill her rebound posted that they were in a relationship on Facebook, I could see she was not ready for this yet, normally people would post something like 'I love you too baby'. She didn't post shit, nothing , didn't like nothing. Just one post she did like from a friend of me saying : "LOL, this guy doesn't look better, even worse". and then you know the story.
Niels,
Yeah you're right, every relationship is unique.
We were together for 2 and half years and aside from minor issues, we did have a very special bond. He broke up with me and I didn't handle the situation that well for almost 2 months. So now I have started a strict NC for at least 2 months. Especially when I found out there is someone else. He knows that I found out and he got furious to the person who revealed it to me. What I am trying to say is that no way now I am contacting him first.
Your story is truly an inspiration...
Hello Kevin
My ex and I have broken up several times. And just recently we broke up again. We have broken up at least 3 times and we back together with the hopes of making things work, but because we have been on and off for so long, we always get back to this point... of breaking up. We have very similar interests and goals in life, and we both always hope that one day things will work out. But we always find ourselves in the same spot, with poor communication, insecurities, which leads to arguments, and separation.
My questions are... does this plan work if we have gone back and forth already? (this has worked in the past few times that we have split up, but could it work again?) And my next question is, if we do decide to get back together, how do we leave our past behind us and actually change the pattern that leads us to breaking up?
Hi Kevin
Is this the best place to you ask you this question? I would love some advice.
Hi all how are you guys? I have been in no contact for a while now last time I was told I was at deaths door part of the stage. Now I think about her here and there still do miss her wish she was around but the pain isn't as much as it was before . I'm wondering what do I do? I'm still working on myself trying to be a better person day by day. its probably been a good 5 or 6 months of no contact. Is there any sort of point? If you read my old posts you guys would know what the situation is. Thank You
Hey Everyone,
So my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me last week. I made the mistake of texting her and asking if we could talk just so that I could receive some clarification on why we broke up. Her reasoning was very vague. We have always been happy together for the entire duration however the last few weeks she felt the need to be alone and didn't want to talk to anyone (not just me). When we broke up she told me that her reasoning was that she wanted to feel more independent and make choices without feeling any external pressure. ( we are about to begin 2nd year university and were in a long distance relationship). However during the break-up she told me that she wishes/wants for us to still be together. she doesn't want to cut off all ties. and she believes that if we are meant to be together, that we will get backtogether. Now I don't know that she was being completely truthful in her reasons for the break-up. I feel like there was a bit more to it and she refused to speak with me afterward. I am planning to follow the no contact rule until I feel better about myself and then perhaps I will talk to her. Our relationship was great and we were always so happy and comfortable together. We have a really amazing connection. Should I wait an extra amount of time before contacting her? And do we have a decent chance of gettting back together?
Dear Alex,
I think NC will do it. My ex (now my sort of boyfriend again, it's not official yet because we're taking it slow this time) wanted also to stay friends and in contact first. It didn't helped at all, because we both felt awkward with it. That's why we chose for NC. After almost 2 months I contacted him. And now, after 2-3 weeks of contact, he said he wanted me back and stuff. You can also read my whole story somewhere below.
There are chances that NC will cause some emotions by your ex like that she will miss you. But that shouldn't be the reason for NC. NC is the time you need for yourself. To become a better and not so needy person anymore etc. But I don't know if you should talk to her first about the exact reason why she broke up with you.. maybe it will make things worse (and you asked it already) but I'm not an expert. Maybe it's better to talk about it when she's cooled down a bit.
I also have a long distance relationship, and I think.. when you really love each other it shouldn't be a big problem. But that's my opinion of course.
Hope it helps !
P.S.: Sorry for my bad English, it's not my native language.
I completely agree and I am going to take the NC period to really work on myself as there a quite a few changes to myself that I would like to make ! (I have generally bad self esteem and went through a really hard time this summer and she helped me through it! However I think it took a toll on her as she has obviously been suffering from her own problems as well ) That combined with a few other things are most likely reasons that she would've lost attraction towards me. But they are all things that can be changed (and I personally believe should be changed). I am just worried that she won't want me back. We were supposed to talk before I left for school, but the day we were supposed to meet up she completely blew me off and made excuses/lied and told me she no longer had time (i know for a fact she did because she made plans with one of my close female friends). I'm just worried that she's angry at me for something .. I don't know how she could be as I never said anything hurtful or even yelled! I handled the breakup well I think.
I just hope that when she sees the new and improved me she'll want me back...
Hi,
my boyfriend and I were together for about 3 and a half months, not long I know, but it was truly something special. We loved being around each other and loved each other more than anything. He wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. We had a lot of great times together.
We used to fight about the most stupid things, but at the end of the day we still loved each other.
He also cheated on me, but he begged and pleaded for me to take him back and I did because I could not live without him.
One night he just decided to end it and it completely shattered my heart and I did everything this article said not to do and I feel completely stupid.
I still can't stop thinking about him and the thought of him being with another woman just breaks my heart even more than it already is broken.
I don't know what to do. I blocked him on facebook and deleted his number.
Every day is hard.
I am falling into depression because I truly thought I would be with him for the rest of my life.
Will the no contact method actually work? Today is going to be my first day with no contact.
Thank you.
Hey Kevin:
I have not posted here in a long while. I said I was going to go on my own and just face the consequences. This is fine, but I have something in particular I want help with.
Quick background/refresher: We were dating 3 years. She said she just didn't love me anymore and didn't know why. I've thought a lot, and due to your emails I think I know exactly why. I've seen her a few times since due to mutual friends and she was rather standoff-ish. Tries to avoid looking at me or involving me in a conversation. Doesn't laugh when I tell a joke/story that not only is everyone else laughing at, but something that I know she would have laughed at when we were still dating.
So recently I've looked into how to get over an ex after a long relationship, rather than get her back. I saw the things on the website, and it really looks like she is doing everything that was suggested on the website. So the point is, I think she's trying to get over me, whether she's looking up the websites or doing this on her own is unknown to me.
Basically, I want her back, but I don't really feel that I have a good chance of that. So my question is, is there anything different to do? Is this any indication of anything if she appears to be doing everything suggested for getting over an ex? Is there anything else I can do, or do I have to wait for her to talk to me still?
David :)
Good to hear from you I've missed you. I'm sorry you're going through that but I have met a couple who broke up four years ago, bumped into each other after four years and now planning their wedding, I'm a guest and my sister is the bridesmaid (poor thing haha!) ... Don't try too hard and just live! I don't want to give you advice cos you've asked us not to so I hope Kevin will. Please Kevin help, Please Keviiiiin!
Love you David :)
If he doesn't want to talk to you, I don't think you can do anything about that. If she is looking into how to get over you, she is probably applying no contact. The best thing you can do is let her do it. At least for a 3-4 months (maybe even more). You can try contacting her after that and see if she is open for friendship. If she isn't, then you can assume she is dead set on moving on and you should do the same.
Thanks Kevin. But should I see if she's open for friendship, even if I'm really not? I honestly don't see a good reason we should be "just friends". We have a lot in common, we are physically attracted to each other, and we were really a great couple! Everyone said so. Even she was saying we were a cute couple until the day she broke up with me. So I don't think there's any reason for us to be friends but not dating.
Hello all;
I really need your advice on what to do. I posted a short synopsis about my relationship 3 weeks ago in this forum.
I started no contact AGAIN after that post as my ex kept trying to contact me 10 days after I started my first UNANNOUNCED NC and I responded and my ex appeared nice for couple of days then distant so I said this second time “please do not contact me as I need sometime to heal and I promise you to contact you when I feel 100% good” this was 16 days ago. I did not hear from my ex until now. Below is what I received. I feel a lot better about myself and accepting the breakup, I'm "almost" over the breakup but still think sometimes about us. I really don’t want to blow it this time by saying something not right that’s why I’m asking for your advice. Should I respond to the email or wait for the whole 30 days? What should I say if I respond? Here is the email and I really appreciate your help. We live in different cities but used to see each other weekly. Our relationship was for a little over 2 months but was intense. We broke up 2 months ago.
“I am writing, violating your restriction against me for which i apologize, to tell you that I have not stopped thinking about you. Not since that last moment. I knew as soon as i made the decision to not see you again that I would regret it because I felt that I was making a huge mistake and I knew it. But I was scared for you, for us and the future that we would have.
I want you to know that I still love you as much as I did and it will be that way for a very very long time. I do ask you not to respond please. I really just wanted for you to know you are not in this alone. I love you and hope you have happiness and love around you at all times. You were the highlight of my year.”
Iam lost.i did everything in what Kevin said about the plan. Its been 5 months since we split. I for once found the love of my life and now he's never coming back. He's been texting another girl from pof.and I no its not a relationship rebound. Because when he gets to know someone he falls in love very quickly. We have a son together. And see him every fortnight. He said his heart breaks every time he brings him home. I really don't want to move on. I did enjoy few months without my ex. But I can't bring myself to say it but I actually love this man and iam heart broken. Help :-(
Hey Kelly,
My ex and I split up a few days ago. We had split up before and I had left the house and we ALWAYS got back together. Yet whenever we split, he jumps back on OKCupid right away. I asked him about it before and he said "It's the only way I can cope with losing someone is to be distracted."
Kevin said that anyone people may rebound, but not actually develop real feelings for someone after a serious break-up. I hate to say it, but it is ENTIRELY possible for someone to get into another serious relationship right away. That is my concern with my ex, it has only been a few days and yet I am nearly positive he is back on that site. If he starts talking to someone new, she of course can be stunning or just intriguing (guys love shiny new things) and it can start out as a distraction but can end up being more than a rebound. They could consider this new person a "sign" of why things didn't work out with us, maybe to find the person they were meant to be with.
My ex wrote me a letter saying he didn't want to break up a few days ago (I initiated the break-up) but he felt no matter how hard he tried, and he tried hard, he couldn't get my trust back after he cheated 8 months ago. He has done everything right since, but our minds are our own worst enemy and the fear he could one day cheat again takes over from time to time. I would fall asleep crying, would feel sick and told him about it. He just got to a point where he said "Maybe I need to let you go for your own well-being even though I love you more than anything". See, I didn't really want to break-up, I just didn't know how to learn to trust him as I had never been cheated on before. But I also know his coping mechanism is to move on ASAP so he doesn't have to be in constant pain. I am also aware that yes, he can find someone else where he has a clean slate and doesn't have to try winning me back every few weeks (I put him through his paces). I mean, isn't it easier to start over with someone else without a ton of baggage?
I haven't called him, he texted me last night, but all I can think about is him reaching out on this website to some girl. He has done everything to prove he loves me, has been supportive and accepted all responsibility for what happened, he left me 32 voicemails after the cheating either crying, or explaining how he learned the hardest lesson ever and knowing he hurt me, killed him. Yet, it is not like him not to try to win me back again. Even just yesterday he said he wanted a different outcome, I can tell he was hoping I would tell him I wanted him back. But part of me says I should wait, and the 30 days makes sense even though he has most of his stuff here and has yet to move out (he's staying with a friend). That's another concern, will his friend have girls over that my ex can meet? Ugh!! It's an awful feeling, I love him, I want him back but feel we need counseling to get over the hurt. I also feel I should give it 30 days and maybe, if he is with someone else by then and he very well could be...I have to accept it wasn't meant to be. But we're human, all of us here are hoping that they will one day show up on our doorstep, or pull a Lloyd Dobler and stand outside with a boombox over their heads playing some Peter Gabriel. So glad to have found this community tonight, I really needed to read that I'm not alone. Thank You!
I also forgot to mention that after we met up and I told her how truly sorry I was for taking her love for granted we talked and she invited me in to watch movies and eat fruit. It was too late for me to leave so I asked if I can crash at her place and she agreed. I took the initiative not to sleep in the same bed with her and slept on the couch instead. We have to stay in contact because we work on music together. I am her producer. So now that I have gotten passed that stage I want her back but only when she is ready since she knows how I feel. Do I continue to not contact her and do all the other things you stated?
Dear A,
Yes yes yes, follow the plan :) ... I'm glad I read that you slept on the couch, I think you have a bigger chance in getting back with her now ... Good luck :)
Ok so let me start off by saying that I didn't follow the no contact for 30 days rule. Me and my current ex were in a great relationship. The reasoning behind our breakup was my attitude and sensitivity in the relationship. After we broke up I contacted her(we had another mini argument). Today I wrote a song and sent it to her via video text msg. We met up and I told her I was weak without her. She mentioned that she loves and misses me but right now she doesn't think we will get back together. I accepted her answer and we are on good terms a little. Now I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her that I'm weak without her(big mistake judging by the site). Keep in mind we also handle business together. Even though we aren't together I still want us to be able to work together. Now that I know her answer I am going to move on and not bring us up again. I wish I would've found this site before I made the moves I did. Can I still follow the same rules you have posted on what not to do being that I am comfortable with the answer she has given me?
Yes, you should.
So I am currently going through the no contact period with my ex but we work in the same building. I have to go to his unit once a week for work, so I will sometimes run into him. How should I go about this? Should I try to go at times when I know he isn't there or should I just be casual when I do inevitably see him?
Be casual. Keep the conversation short. Don't talk about your personal life.
My girlfriend and fiance of 6 years left me last Friday. I think a lot of her leaving is my entire lack of motivation to improve my life. Which is fine, the only problem is we have a 7 month old son together, and I am just wondering how you go about the No Contact, when you have to talk to each other every other day, or everyday. Also how does No Contact work when I have to see her when I drop off my Son, and when she drops off my Son. I know what I need to improve on over the month, but its seems impossible to look different when she still see me everyday. Any thoughts?
Hey,
I wrote about it in this article.
Dear people,
I went through the same stage as you are going right now. I read many "how to get your ex back" pages and in my opinion, this one was one of the best sites.
I basically got my ex back since a few days. We're talking and FaceTiming a lot (it's a sort of distance relationship, but not 'that' far, we broke up because of the difference between our religions and family were making an issue about it).
I will tell you guys how I handled my business.
After the break up we first talked for a week. After that week I realized it wasn't helping me at all and we both agreed with NC. I went through NC over a month and worked on myself. I did new things, like Inline Skating and going to the gym more often. I spent more times with my friends and I still do and I made more time for my hobbies. I also achieved some goals I had, and I really was proud of myself that I accomplished that.
Because my ex (now my boyfriend) is a stubborn one, I contacted him when I no longer were a miserable and needy woman. We talked normal and laughed. But he said that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I said that I won't fight for a guy who doesn't want me. After that day he actually started to call me very often. Almost every day. He said things like "I miss you" and that he misses the old times. Keep in mind that I tried to not text him first, I wanted him to text and call me first most of the time. It worked. I also didn't replied always right after I got his message, even if I wanted.
This week I heard of him that he was unsure that I liked him or if I was friendly and social towards him. This is good, I finally got that guy with the big ego :) I'm in control. He said that he likes me more than he ever did, he also talked with his cousin about the relationship and me. That cousin gave him advice how to handle this situation and my boyfriends started to look at those things on a different point of view. He said he first thought that he did everything to fix the relationship, but now he sees that he didn't. So, yea, I asked him what's different now and why I should jump in a relationship with him again.
We talked a lot and I really think that he regrets how he handled the stuff in the past. But now we are working on our future and taking the things that happened in the past as a lesson. Also, take it slow.. don't go too fast ~
With love,
Zahra
Thanks for letting us know Zahra, I'm really pleased for you. X
Dear Zahra,
Thank you very much for sharing your story. I'm in the exact same dilemma that my ex and I come from different religions. He was hot and cold at first with me after NC but we broke up because of life circumstances only. I took Kevin's advice and Raed's advice NOT to contact him unless he does and that's what he's been doing lately. He wants to have a new relationship with me, a better one and take things slow just like you. But I'm not giving him too much hope cos he needs to work on himself first (financially especially). I can see where my situation is going from reading yours and I hope to find happiness just like you, with or without him... I'm happy for you ... all my love xxx
Sinead,
I miss you :)
Thank you very much guys! I think that patience is one of the important keys to let this thing work.
Rihanna, that´s some good news that he wants to start over again. What did he say when you told him that he has to work on himself first? I hope you two can finally be happy when he fixed his things. My boyfriend told me when we had no contact he realized I was the 'one' for him, even though he never believed in 'the one'. He said that he feels himself complete when I'm around him (it was about damn time to realize that, lol). Also, we don't care what family says now. If our parents accept us who we are and what we want together, nothing can harm us.
And yea, I wanted to share my story with you guys, maybe it will help you and give you all some hope, even in those sad moments in life.
Love for all of you x
Hello Zahra (a flower),
I didn't tell him he needs to work on himself, luckily he discovered that one all on his own hahaha... He also said I was the 'one' for him and he's afraid of 'losing me' which shows strong emotion. But relationships don't work on love alone so that's where we both need to work on ourselves (and I'm doing that part, my part is financial and his too lol). I think if, IF he proves to me like he's responsible enough to keep his word and be a man who takes responsibilites etc... I too will stop caring what family says lol :)
I'm so happy for you and your beau :) ... All the best for the future.
All my love xx
Dear Rihanna,
Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate that. Well, what I can conclude from your story I can say that the situation is going well. I mean, he discovered it by his own and that's good. I wish you all the best and I hope everything will be alright soon, that you two can build on a happy future.
My guy talks very often about the future, lol.. Family, proposal, marriage, living together, children.. O.o something serious happened in his mind I guess when we didn't talked to each other.
x
It's been almost 7 months. I've made all the mistakes more than once. Do i have a chance?
Hi Elvis,
Yes, you do have a good chance if you follow Kevin's plans. Don't worry about the mistakes done most of us have made them. Follow Kevin's plan and subscribe to his emails. Good luck :)
Since it's been almost 7 months. How long should i do NC? I've tried 45 days, 1 month, etc.. but she's told her friends she wants nothing to do with me. I'm fked up. I know there are fish in the sea etc.. but no one is her. I made mistakes, i just want to have a chance for her to see i fixed them.
Hi Elvis,
Do NC for 2 months until all her anger subsides. During NC you should work on improving yourself and fixing whatever mistakes you did with her so when you get in contact she can SEE that you're a different person and you've improved. AFter NC, send her the letter (I recommmend the letter in your case). Read about the letter and how to write it in Kevin's plan. After doing the letter wait for few weeks and if she doesn't reply still, send her the 'something reminds me of you' text. Hopefully, things will work out for you, take it easy, take it slow... good luck :)
Hi Kevin,
I really hoped to get a reply from you regarding my situation this time.
Basically, It's been the 4 th month since I broke up with my ex of 6 years.
I initiated contact 2 months ago, asking how he've been lately, then he replied, apologizing for breaking up with be right before I write my exam, which I end up failing as I am too emotional during those days, and he ask how me and our dog is doing.
Basically he never initiate contact, everytime I have to think of something to talk about, and he do ignore me sometimes / just replied very politely.
I send him approximately 1 text per week, but he has been ignoring my last 2 texts, when I try to tell him something about our dog. And I text him again today, telling him that I just got an interview with a role that I have been telling him about when we're still together. Then he replied "that's nice, good luck!" ...... Then when I go on asking what he's been up to, he ignored.
What do you think about my situation? Previously you said you don't think he friend zoned me, but then I really dun think he have any feelings for me anymore.
What do you think I should do next? Should I still continue texting him every week? Or should I just back off? He agreed to meet in November, but I am not sure if he's just comforting me as I am writing my exam again in Oct. should I not contact him until we met?
Kevin.......Please help:)
Kevin, please help.... I don't know what I should do anymore... should I just wait until he initiate contact? I am just getting really frustrated...:(
I think you should back off. He is being cold and there's a chance that he is saying that just to comfort you. You were together for 6 years and he definitely cares about you. I think you should do NC at least till the end of November. If he contacts you in November, you can reply, but you shouldn't contact him till then. Give him a chance to live up to he said. Don't force him. This way, you will know if he's interested or he was just comforting you. This will also show him that your life is not revolving around him and meeting him is not a big deal for you.
Hi Kevin,
I followed your 5 step plan, however, I'm stuck. I did NC for 30 days, and we met up afterwards to catch up. He confessed that he still has feelings for me and that he missed me and thought about me every day during NC.
But first, here's some background on us. We were together for a year, then we broke up. He wanted to be single. But then confessed to his coworker that he has feelings for her about 2-3 weeks later. They've been seeing each other, however, both agreed to remain single. It's almost as if he replaced me with her. He constantly tells me that he does want to talk to me though. So he's not invested in her enough to completely cut me out.
Now he's not sure what he wants. He doesn't know who he wants to be with. He doesn't want to hurt either of us. He wants a fresh start, but at the same time doesn't. He doesn't want to lose either of us. As of right now, we've been broken up for about 2 months. Just today, he asked..."What if I'm just scared of what people will think? I can't just leave her and come back to you. I can't just keep jumping girl to girl." What am I supposed to do? As of right now, it's almost like we're friends with benefits, but they're sort of dating. He says we're just talking as friends, but it feels like it's more than that. Should I try NC again?
Thanks Kevin.
Hi June,
"Friends with Benefits?" tstststs... First of all, cut the Benefits completely. Secondly, cut the benefits completely. Just cut the Benefits out of 'Friends with Benefits' and become Friends with .... well, nothing. Just friends. Ok, why would he commit if he's getting benefits without the commitment? you need to show him that you're worth is way more that to be his friend with benefits. I think he's confused because he has two girls in his life and he's getting what he wants without having to commit to any one of you. Take control and show him, no commitment= NO BENEFITS!
Do you think I should try NC again or be "just friends" with him?
And I forgot to mention...Turns out he's sleeping with the both of us. Should I just cut him out and let him have his fun with her, and just be his friend? Maybe they'll actually get together and become girlfriend / boyfriend. They started seeing each other so quickly, I'm starting to think that she might just be a rebound. I just don't know what else to do. After NC ended, all he did was tell me how much he missed me and how much he thought about me, and that he really wanted to talk to me.
Hi June,
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. I guess sleeping with him was a big mistake but it's done and we all make mistakes. You need to lay down the law with him. You need to sit down and write down your thoughts about what you really want and from what I gather you want a real relationship with him not just to be his friend with benefits. So, do NC for a couple of weeks then text him requesting to see him somewhere at a cafe (Public place). Look really HOT! Sit with him and tell him straight up that what happened between you two is a huge mistake, that you're not the type of girl to sleep with a guy without commitment and that you've been feeling really wrong about the whole situation and sad for the other girl. Give him the ultimatum, "It's either me or her" and "I want COMMITMENT"! Do NOT settle for any less than that! if he says he's confused, then give him as much time as he needs until he's no longer confused and by that I mean do cut him loose, Do NOT contact him unless he does with accepting the offer to commit and be your boyfriend. Otherwise, it's best for you to move on.
I can tell that this guy is just fooling around. He's having his cake and eating it too. IMO, it's probably best for you to kick him out of your life because he lacks respect for women in general in the way he's behaving, he doesn't respect you at all by two timing you and the other girl and he lacks respect for himself above all. It's up to you. You may want to try and get him back and you may succeed in getting him back but I sense he's not the type that stays. However, if you're still willing to try, BE FIRM WITH HIM in what you want and don't let the meeting exceed 30 mins. 30 minutes MAXIMUM! Good luck...
Thank Rihanna. I really appreciate all of your insight, advice and help!
Hi June,
I hope things work out for you but you need to be strong to get the results you want. Do yourself a favour and don't settle for anything less than what you want and deserve. If he's not willing, you will find love again and be happier than ever with this guy. Good luck xx
He just "chose" her over me. He says that friends and family played a big role, but thing is..I don't know his friends or family well enough for them to even know me. So what do I do now? I'm just so stuck and lost.
Is there even a chance for me? Or is this it..She doesn't want him to talk to me (obviously), but he still is..He says he wants to go back to being friends. Any advice or insight would be great.
Thanks.
Hey June,
I'll suggest you cut contact with him indefinitely. If you stay longer, you will just look weak and needy. If you leave and cut him off completely, he will respect you more for it. There is still a slight chance that he will change his decision in the future and want to be with you, but you shouldn't count on it. You will be better off moving on with your life and not expecting anything from him. Just tell him you can't be his friend and cut contact.
But what do I do if he keeps trying to contact me and ask if it's goodbye? I'm trying really hard to let go, but I don't think I have the strength to..Even though it's been so long and everything's been so unfair to me.
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for the email which I received today entitled: "Defining what you want". I found it most inspirational and I look forward to doing so when I'm ready to put myself back in the dating scene.
Btw, my ex called me yesterday missing me and still he said he'll always be there for me when I move back to the city. I'm not relying on him though, I have to learn to stand on my own two feet and gain self confidence until then, I'll be single for a while. He professed his love and that makes me happy but 'love' and 'relationships' are two different things and I want to discover what it is I want out of life. Thank you for being an inspiring soul.
Thank you for your comment Rihanna. You have a come a long way and you are an inspiration to others who come to this website. :)
Deb dear, that makes the two of us. i will follow the no contact rule and see what comes out of this. Thank you
I felt as if I was hyperventilating this morning after thinking about my ex. It has been four nights since he broke up with me. We dated for two years and now he tells me he doesn't feel as if he is as emotionally invested in me and that it isn't fair to me. Although I told him I was still happy with him and couldn't ask for anything better, he now has a set mindset that he cannot change. Since he broke up with me, I have not contacted him at all. He has contacted my best friend to see how I was doing, but he has not contacted me directly because he doesn't want to give me any hope of getting back together. I feel completely heart broken, my heart is heavy, and I wish I hadn't had so many things planned together with him in the future. As you all probably know, you feel like no pain could be worse.
After i found this article, I actually felt a better after reading it through and then reading all of the comments and realizing other people go through the same exact thing. While I am certain my ex will not come back because he is sure in his decision (and it kills me to think this), I am happy I have been following the rules of NC. Although I don't think it is going to work, it helps me knowing that there is an unspoken rule that you really should give them at least 30 days. I hope I figure out how to get over this because right now it just really sucks. I almost gave in and was going to text him today, but I'm glad I found this article first.
I've spoke with u while ago and since then me and my ex have been more friends then anything .. It was brought to my attention that after we broke up she started talkin to a guy and havi sex with him but would never become exclusive as in to tell everybody he was her boyfriend what does that mean? Also my mom told me my ex misses me but i didn't think anything of it and then I was talkin to my ex one day and she told me she was thinkin of getting back together with me and told my mom this .. What do I do now to keep the momentum going
She doesn't want to tell about her current 'boyfriend' because it's not serious, it's just rebound. I think you should still follow the plan and during NC ask yourself if you want someone who dumped you, got intimate with someone else and then wants you back... what if this becomes a habit of hers and it may become if you avail yourself too easily for her and get back with her quickly. I think she should do some chasing before you get back with her cos she needs to realise what she's lost and needs to feel like she wants to keep you forever so make her realise that first and then get back with her. There's good chance for you so good luck :)
Also, head to the Boards there are others who will advise you there too...
Dear Kevin and everyone,
Yes peeps you're in the right place this is where I whine :(
Well, I'm not doing well at all today :( ... what happened? Only two weeks ago my ex was hot on me and friendly and everything was going good and then GONE! I know he checks whatsapp lots to check my time cos he quickly disappears when we're both online haha... But I would like to know what happened? I know he's going through life changes and he needs time out but I only want to keep in touch with him as friends. I feel very sad and low today because i want to reach out to him and I can't. I can't wait to go back to Syd to start my own life and for the first time be independent before I start a relationship but I'm afraid that the next 4.5 months would make him cold towards me.
KEVIN, PLEASE help me. You said it doesn't have to be over if I don't want it to. Then you said not to contact him until he does. Well, I sent him a brief text two days ago saying 'I'm watching (a movie we love) haha so funny' that was all I said. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it I don't know. But if I don't want it to be over what do you suggest I should do? I can't tell him I'm coming to visit him cos he's not in the right place and mind to see me and I would rather keep my savings for the big move anyway. What would be a good way to get his attention again and make him want to call me? What sort of advice could I ask of him to make him feel needed without me sounding needy? What can I do to make him a close friend again? Even not as a boyfriend he's a great friend to have and I want to keep him in my life even as a friend. Please help :( ... (I feel quite pathetic feeling this way today) ... Thank you Kevin and everyone
Kevin, Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase help :( ...
Hey Rihanna,
I think you are fooling yourself into thinking that you want him just as just a friend. Exes rarely make good friends. If anything, they are horrible friends because there is always that tension between you two and you can never freely discuss your romantic life with them. Not to mention, after a breakup a lot of people try to convince themselves that they just want to be their ex's friend while in reality they have strong feelings for them. I think it's the same for you.
Being independent for the first time in your life? I think that's a big move. And a scary one too. Thinking of your ex being there to support you must be comforting. Realizing he is not must be scary. Realizing that he will move on in the next 4.5 months even scarier. But think about it again if you want him for the right reasons. You are fooling yourself into thinking you want him just as a friend. Your mind is trying to find a way to keep him in your life without making you feel like you are compromising. But in reality, you are compromising. Because it'll never be real friendship.
Anyways, to your main question. What should you do if you don't want to give up. Well, first of all, stop messaging him. If I remember correctly, he asked for 6 months in the starting. And that is not over. I don't think he will forget you (or grow cold towards you) in 4.5 months. I think you are simply freaking out because you expected him to reply to your text and he didn't. And that's making you feel like he will forget about you. There could millions of reasons for him to not reply to you. You know there's a lot going on in his life. There's no point going over that.
Even if he grows cold, you both can start a brand new relationship after 4.5 months of no contact and after you both have a little more stability in your life. Trust me, him forgetting about you (which will not happen) is a lot better than you trying desperately to stay in touch with him in hopes that he won't forget you. Think about it, isn't it better to hear from someone you haven't thought about in a few months and then you talk to them and have a great conversation with them.
If you desperately want him to contact you, you can ask him for advice (related to moving or career). But IMO, it will look desperate and contrived and I'll not recommend it. Even if you want to do that, you should wait at least 1-2 weeks before sending another text.
I think you just need to endure this pathetic feeling for a few days ('cause you know it'll pass). Keep reminding yourself that whatever happens, you are going to be OK. You are going to be happy and you are going to find love again. If it's not him, it'll be someone else. But you will find love again and you will have the relationship you truly deserve.
Dear Rihanna,
I feel sad when i think you are having a bad time but i totally agree with kevin.
There are times that i miss my ex so much especially now because of my situation but kevin's words are what exactly i keep reminding myself.No matter what,we're gonna be fine.And i'm sure he won't forget you during this time.
Rihanna,
I agree with what Kevin (the mentor) said because I already have an example. I once fell in love at the age of 16, then 23, then 28 and now 31. I also had a lot of breakups. I know that as soon as I fall into another relationship, this drama will end. My problem is that because of emotional rejection, I don't play it cool with these new girls and they run away after a date or some text exchanges. I hope that my this last ex go away from this town ASAP that so that I play it cool. I understand it that Kevin says my mind tricks me! I do my best to not be my mind's slave!
Rihanna,
Kevin and the Oldies pieces of advice are gold! And I agree with Kevin that "Your mind is trying to find a way to keep him in your life without making you feel like you are compromising. But in reality, you are compromising."
Honestly, you can never be 'just friends' with an ex. Maybe you can, but it takes after sometime. You can be friends when you meet somewhere down the road years after the breakup or when you have really moved on. But you can never be just friends especially it has been only months after the breakup.
If you are saying that you just want to talk to him as friend, do you think you will whine here and be pathetic (as you said yourself) for him not replying to you if you just want him as friend? Of course, not!
Rihanna, we are all a little broken hearted here so you cannot fool us into thinking that you really just want to be friends :P i mean, you are justifying your reasons so that you can still keep him around. And if he really is just a friend you wouldn't have the fear that he might forget you.
Rihanna, it has been months but your situation is still like that. If you are having a hard time taking a step forward whether to still try harder than your hardest or simply walk away, do the initiative.
If he really doesn't want to talk about the relationship then tell him how you feel. You are both doing some subtle kind of mind games. You cannot wait around forever on when he will be ready to discuss about this. Tell him that you love him but this mind game of false friendship is a waste of time. He might really still be in love with you or he might just want to keep you around to help him move on. I am telling you, Rihanna. He might be grinning because he knows he has the upper hand seeing you most of the time, if not always, doing the initiative to keep in touch.
Don't allow yourself to be a doormat and submit to what he wants to keep you around too. He is not directly telling you to stay but he knows his words of telling you he loves you is so powerful to make you stay even if he doesn't directly say so. Take a stand, Rihanna. Know what you want and go after it. If this situation you have with him is hard, maybe it is about time to let go. Ask yourself, if someone really loves you then what is holding him back to be with you? He loves you maybe, but not enough to keep ties with you.
If he really wants to focus on himself maybe he just cannot bluntly tell you to just quit it. But reading between the lines, what do you think this means? For how long will you allow yourself to stick around to something/someone that drains the energy out of you? For how long must you suffer and wait in agony for him? If he wants to do his thing alone, let him. Cut ties and contact. You cannot fully focus having him around. If after a year, the feeling is still there then it won't hurt to reconnect.
If ever you will confront him and he counter attacks again with him telling you he loves you, ask yourself if this is what you want. No matter how much he tells you that he loves you don't get fooled. Because at the end of the day it all boils down to one reason why you are no longer together - he is no longer as madly inlove with you to keep you. So no matter how endless reasons he gives you to stay, make a decision for yourself. Don't settle for something like this. It will be hard but it will benefit you in the long run.
You are no longer in a relationship but it still gives you headache, is it worth it?
If you keep asking yourself where you stand on someone's life then maybe it is time to start walking away instead. Don't lose yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting you are special too, sweetheart. :)
Kevin and Everyone (especially Raed),
Thank you very much for your gold advice! I am on NC indefinitely.
Kevin, if you remember only couple of weeks ago he was warm and professing his love to me so I think you're right, the best thing to do is leave him alone I might text him nearing Xmas close to moving back, I still believe him when he says he loves me and I know it's circumstances that made us apart. I can tell he's gone back to gym and in the process of improving his life just like I am now so like he said once: "concentrate on your studies, time will pass and when you come here (to city) both our situations might be better". I don't understand why he would not respond to my texts though, but not my problem anymore so I'm back doing NC until he gets in touch or I do but not before Xmas time. Being independent for the first time, I'm extremely PERTRIFIED! Thank you for your advice.
Raed, Wow! your message had me in tears especially the sentence: "he might not be as madly in love with you anymore", my brain can not digest that. But the 'if he loves you he'll be with you' isn't entirely accurate. Whilst love may exist between two people circumstances and logic can ruin the chances in love if the situation isn't strong. He's financially insecure, that alone is immasculating if not also embarrassing to a man, his ego would get hurt cos he's failed as being the 'hunter' the provider like men (particularly ethnic men) pride themselves at. So, the last time we spoke which was two weeks ago + though his message was that he'll never feel like this with anyone again and he's not dating anyone and hoping I won't date (probably), at the end of the day you are right! Whilst he's wishing when his life is healed I'd be there still it's not fair on me to just wait forever and hope he won't move on. But i still have 4 months before I take the steps to move to city and that's scary enough for me, I will do fine even if he won't be there for me... I have to learn to be independent first and love myself first then get in a relationship whether with him or not. Thank you for your wise advice.
We are both 25 years old and we were in a relationship for 1 year and a 7 months. I was a virgin when we met and he is the first guy for me. When we get along well we have very beautiful momemts together and these moments never lost their intensity but when we fight it's very bad because i do a lot of drama and we are both immature. He can't stand my drama which i never stopped doing even if i promised so many times. The thing is that we started fighting from very small and unimportant reasons and tries to do all sort of things to make things better like breaks etc. The thing is that i wasnt serious about these breaks ans nevee respectes them so there came the momoment when we fought again and i started saying i will commit suicide ans so on and he called my parents and broke up. I suffered a lot for a week and i was feeling very bad, but i realised we had misunderstandings and that we need time alone to grow up and we can have casual sex which i wrote him. He didn't answer me for 8 days and after, i received a message asking me to never write ro his aunt again (we were friends) after what i did. I called him and asked what happened and he said that i made him suffer very much after adding boysat friends on facebook and he was very nervous and we met and he said he loves me a lot and he missed me. He decided no contact is a good idea for the future in order to see if he misses me because he said he should have waited more than 8 days. I told him that i am very hurt because of this but i accept to try. I also believe that if he messaged me after 8 days he did it because he felt and he knows that. I think he is afraid not to lose me. I am really scared because i don t know what to do. His idea is good in order to check our feelings for a longer period of time but i am afraid i'll be dissapointed and suffer more than now. I dont know what to do. We love each other, we miss each other (though he said after 2 days from the moment we met after the breakup that he doesnt need to see me), and i don't know what to do. I am really scared what if he will leave me for good? I dont want to wait that much but he said there s no other choice than try. He said he shouldnt have given me hopes. How should we do? What should i propose him to do? Is he fooling me? He said we should wait more than a week to check our feelings. And when we will rarely meet we will have just sex. But we also cuddle kiss hug. Whats the point in waiting so much i am afraid he is trying to forget me.
Hey, I think he's confused... Do NC and follow the plan. Good luck :)
I am afraid to follow the plan because despite of saying that we should be apart in order to improve ourselves and make it work for the future and added that is too early to get together again he said smth that scared me: i shouldnt have given you hopes by calling you which was followed by the meeting by making love and by saying that hr loves me and we should follow this plan. He said he is sorry for calling too early (after 1 week) not for calling. But the thing with "i dont want to give you hopes" was weird. Why did he say it? Only confusion or in fact he wants to leave me forever but it's hard for both and chose to do it step by step. I want this plan to have a positive result, not a negative one. What do u think??
He seems confused and he called you after only one week which isn't enough time for him to decipher what it is that he wants. I think giving him time and space which is also a good thing for you too would make you both see a different perspective of the relationship and hence the 30 day NC. Give that a go and see if he really misses you and it would show him that you're not clingy and your happiness depends on him. Instead, do something positive in NC and come across as the positive confident happy girl that every guy desires when you talk to him, after NC of course... Good luck
I did the NC for 1 week and i received a message where he said that he doesnt want me to talk to him and his family anymore because i added few boys on facebook. I called him and he said that my actions made him suffer (though he broke up with me). I explained that adding friends on FB is not a big deal. He said that i am not his "baby" anymore in his mobilephone. I convinced him that this is not big deal. We decided to speak rarely and meet for sex. He also told me if any guy asks me smth to say that i am not interested. When we speak , i call more often than him, he tels me like a joke that we speak too much and this isnt how we understood to act. Last week i went to a wedding and he insisted in being my partner though i explained him that i dont want just "a friend" to be my partner. At the weeding and after everything was perfect. He hugs me kisses me, sleeps with me in his arms but he doesnt want to tell me that he loves me like he did before. If we both make plans together afterwards he asks if i think that we'll be together in the future. I think he is ironic, or he is joking. He keeps this distance. Though things are slighty different i have the impression that he is not interested anymore. I asked him at the wedding why is he doing all this if it's over and he said that if i wouldnt mean nothing for him than he wouldnt be speaking and coming with me anymore. He also said that he trusts me that i am not cheating but he is afraid of the fighting. He doesnt trust me that i'll behave better. And he said that the little meetings will show if i am able to get along with him. I feel an emptyness and i am afraid that i am losing my time with this game. Today i told him that i will go out and he wasnt gelous anymore saying it's my choice. What do you think? There is attraction, there is some kind of love...but does he really want to get back together? He is always mood changing..we speak about having kids and so on and next day he is distant and remembers me that we are on a break (thats how he said last time: a break, he didnt use "break up" like he did before, now he uses "break"). What to do?
Hey there, Kevin. I recently joined your email series, and it's been helping me cheering me up a bit, so thank you for your help.
I'm on my NC period, about a week now, but I've got a doubt in my mind. You see, next monday is my birthday, and my ex nows that, so she might send me a message to wish me a happy birthday. Should I reply at all? I mean, our break-up was catastrophic, and she ended up hating me for a horrible mistake I made, and she's on a rebound relationship now (I know this because she started dating her best friend 3 days after we broke up). If even after all of that she reaches out to me to wish me a happy birthday, should I keep ignoring her?
Thanks in advance.
You can reply. A simple thank you. But don't turn it into a conversation and keep things short.
I feel like I'm going the same thing you are I did something very stuoid like 2 months ago I thought my ex would like but it back fired but I thought it was fixed that last month she didn't seem herself and I always thought it was because elf her dad dying but she said it wasn't it will be a week tomorrowsince she broke up with me and it was ugly she gave me all the pictures notes everything from her house and told me never to talk to her again her birthday is next week which will make it 2 weeks I'm not sure if I should tell her happy birthday or maybe send flowers or somethings? I also think she is started to see someone else is is working on it I'm so devastated I can't move on with anything
Hey Kevin!
I signed up for your email advice but there is that question that is always popping up in my mind. My ex boyfriend broke up with because he's not ready for commitment. But every time we see each other he misses me.. how can I get him to commit?
There's a chance that seeing the new you and improved you (given that you follow the plan) he will change his mind about commitment. But I'll be honest with you, if he's not ready for it, chances are less that he will be once you get him back. My advice is to make it clear with him before getting back together that you want commitment and if he doesn't agree, you should let him go and move on.
Hi Kevin and everyone,
I have been posting here several times.
Basically it's been nearly 4 months since I broke up with my ex which I have been dating for 6 years. He ignored me completely for the first 2 months and finally replied my text after 2 month NC.
But every time I will be the one initiating contacts. Talking about random stuff.... Then he will replied with a sentence or two, never raising questions.
I thought things went well then I send the " ...remind me of sth you said and I actually smiled". And he ask about me for the first time.
But when I remind him of some memories we spend together , like " remember last time when we blahblahblah" ...... He will ignore my text.
Then I back off a bit and waited for another week, and send a short text again, ( my tone is always positive and happy ), but he ignored again. And I am just really confuse, and don't know what I should do next. You mentioned before that you don't think he friend-zoned me, but what is going on now? I am just really confused with the situation.
Hey Flora,
I think you and I are going through the same thing now. After NC things were going really well chatting on the phone etc... though we're now living in different states (after break up). Then one morning he sent me a text that he's going through hard time and doesn't want to burden me so he said 'I want you to be strong and move on' but we spoke on the phone after that and it was fine. Now it's been about 17 days that he just went cold. I sent him a text 'I'm watching blabla it's really funny' (a movie we both love) and no answer... Today I thought I'd send one very positive text and I know he's read it but no answer again. I know he still thinks about me lots and I told him that I'm moving back to his state (for my sake though really). He said he'll always be there for me as a friend, and I'm happy with that for now but he's gone quiet on me in the last few weeks... Kevin told me not to contact him until he sets his life straight but I do miss him lots especially today :( ... and like you I don't know what to do next :(
helloooo Kevin/and friends,
I just wanted to let everyone know that things are look really freaking fantastic for me and my ex right now. He is in Europe for the month of August so I thought I wouldn't be able to talk to him much if at all. This is NOT the case. He has messaged me every single day since he left and we talk all day everyday (except for time difference issues, he is six hours ahead). He sits on the phone with me until 2 and 3 in the morning (his time) sometimes. He has told me before he left he thinks he wants to get back with me after he gets back and then again while on vacation(drunkenly). He has also told me that he loves me a few times. He also said he wanted to bring me back something with "something unique to our relationship" engraved on it. Things are really looking up for me. I will be sure to post on here if we seal the deal when he comes home. My point is, I have been trying for this for almost six months. It is not something that happens over night like I so impatiently wanted. Although we shouldn't hold onto these things forever, sometimes with a little determination and Kevin's awesome plan, things can work out exactly the way we want. Don't give up hope too quickly. You never know how things will work out for you :)
So happy for you :D ... Great that things worked out between you two, all the best :)
Congratulations!! I hope everything keep going well for you! And I am excited for your story :)
hi,
This is very useful.i did mistakes from the beginning..became the door mat .pleaded.begged.yesterday i got this read and immediately moved in to no contact period.now 24 hours.
thanks for you r tips very much.
KK
Hey KK,
I'm really glad you're doing NC, you'll see how good it is for you after the period is over. Good luck with it and if you need support or feeling low during NC you have our support here, be strong and keep going :)
Hey guys, just wondering if there is any among you who absolutely waited for your ex to get out of a seemingly rebound relationship and how did you cope with all of that? thanks
Hi Patrick you should sign up to Kevin's email's if you haven't already you'll get one everyday and they really help.
Hey kevin, hope all is well.
I'm just wanting to ask a question, my ex and I split up in may and he got in to anothwr relationship straight after, they recently split up and I sent him a text saying I'm there if he needs to talk, we talked a few times and things were okay. But I still think he has feelings for the girl he's just split up with, anyway she doesn't want to get back with him, and I seen him yesterday and he didn't speak, I sent a message saying thanks for speaking (sarcastically) anyway I got a text back today off him saying sorry for not speaking he is finding it easier at the minute to not talk to anybody until his head is sorted out, what should I do from here give him time and space or could he move on in that time, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Hey Jay,
Give him his space but make sure he knows that you're there for him if he needs to talk or anything. He won't move on that quickly so don't worry. Perhaps in the next few weeks you could do something fun together if he's willing (don't push), like bowling or something 'friends' would do so that it doesn't come across as a date... Good luck :)
I replied back to the text he sent me what I mentioned previously, I replied and said I didn't think he wanted to be friends and stuff and he never replied, really not sure were to go from here having a low day today
Hi Jay,
I think it's best if you just give him his space, he's not in the right mind frame to discuss the relationship and whether it's friendship or not etc... so saying to him "I didn't think you wanted to be friends" perhaps didn't help. Give it some time and when you talk to him make sure you're in a happy mood cos that shows in your text (believe me!)... Let the text be fun, anything fun and nothing more than that especially in his situation. Instead of saying 'I don't think you wanted to be friends' you could say stuff that will cheer him up, send him a picture of you having great time somewhere he loves to go or an old picture of you both and say 'remember that day?' make him laugh, make him happy to hear from you... When I'm feeling silly I draw crappy pictures of smiling flower or Mr Happy holding a balloon or something stupid that makes my ex laugh for a second to remind him that even though things may get tough there's always a time for silliness and fun, and I'M THAT FUN GIRL! You could do something similar to make him laugh :D ... Don't mention serious stuff just be light, fun and silly friendly he'll realise that he enjoys himself the most when he talks to you and that's attractive! Good luck xx
Hi Kevin,
I was wondering where is best for me to ask you a specific question about an incident I had with my ex. Through the comments section or the boards?
Many thanks,
Julia
Hey Julia,
The Board is great, though I like coming here in the wide open to sook lol... But you have all our support there. I usually post something new here to get Kevin's attention first and move to the board hahaha... not sure it's necessary to do that though, head over to the board it's good there :)
Ok, thanks Rihanna. Hope I hear from you too. :)
Hi Kevin,
I Recently just got back with my Ex (Thanks for the tips). I was wondering if you had any more tips on staying with her. It's a little bit awkward but it's getting there.
Thanks
Hey Jimmy,
I'm so happy for you :) Perhaps if you haven't done so already you should subscribe to Kevin's emails it's really good. Today I received a letter on 'how not to argue with your ex' it's filled info on good communication. Congrats! :)
Dear Kevin,
It's been a week since that message I sent and ten days since we spoke on the phone. It's like everything was going fine and then he went complete silent, and perhaps he's waiting for me to initiate contact but why doesn't he? Anyway, what now? Is it over?
Hi Rihanna,
I don't think a week is that long... I know it seems like it is for you two but maybe hold off for just another week or so, if you can, and then initiate contact with him and let him know of something great you've been involved in, whether it be work or a new hobby, just something that may have kept YOU busy, you know??
To be honest, it's up to you. If you don't want it to be over, it doesn't have to be. It doesn't matter that much that you were the one to send the last message. You already know he is going through a lot of changes in his life. And even if he was contacting you during this week, it wouldn't necessarily mean he would've wanted to get back together. I think you should continue not contacting him. When he gets his life on track, perhaps he will contact you. Right now, he is probably confused about what he wants. And I think it's better to not be in touch with him while he is confused. 'Cause it'll only make you confused.
hello Mr. Kevin, how are you?
thanks for this i have been looking up for this things for awhile till i found it.
i read through the steps and i started acting on them right after i read.
i just want to ask you 2 questions please for now.
1- what do you think when a girl tell her ex - i cant be with you anymore or my love to you faded and i cant love you anymore?
-so should i try to get her back, or its not going to work out after what she said?
2- she told me she wants me as a friend and cant get my girlfriend anymore...same thing i would ask you...can i still get her back? and what should i responds on that after i finish the one period no contact or i shouldnt even talk about it anymore unless she tell me this again? what should i respond if she said that again
thank you so much
There's a chance. A lot of people say that after a breakup. But later on they realize that they still have feelings for you. I think it's worth trying.
Kevin,
I subscribed your email series and today I was lead to a video about "neediness and insecurity". It appears to be an old website that you managed before. I saw an article about "long distance relationship and break-ups" and you mentioned in that situation, the chance of getting back together is very slim. That made me sad... From your experience, is there anyone having the experience getting back with ex in LDR? Thanks.
Hi Sunshine :)
I wasn't in a LDR but when we broke up I moved town... the process worked to an extent and then it stopped. But even then, there's still a chance IF he forgoes his ego and calls or texts me... Until then, I'm not willing to anymore :(
You still have a chance and do skype with him (something I didn't do) ... Good luck :)
Hey,
Yes, it's harder when you are in a LDR. I remember a few cases where my readers were getting good results with LDR but I don't have any detailed stories about them getting back together (or not getting back together). It's probably because a lot of people don't follow up after they get back together. So even if they did, I wouldn't know.
It's hard to stop evaluating your situation and what chances you have. But the truth is, it doesn't really matter. You could've a 99% chance of getting back together and you might fall under the rest 1%. Or it might be vice versa. There's a 100% chance that you will be happy if you work on yourself and do what it says to do in Step 2 and 3 of the guide. And that's what really matters in the end. You being happy with your life even if you don't get him back.
I've been dating a great guy for the last 5 months. He initiated the relationship and for the first 4 months things were great. Each year he goes on a 3 month holiday to visit his family overseas. The last 6 weeks before he left he started giving me what he called tough love. The night before he left he told me he loved me and without a word he flew to Chicago the next day. its been 7 weeks and I have not heard from him. His whatsapp seems to work but he blocked me on it. What do I do now? Is there still a chance for us? He will be back in 7 weeks.
Dear Kevin,
Somebody suggested a private message section for the Board, thought I might pass that on. Also, perhaps in the profile section there could me more info like age/sex/ country/job sort of like facebook but because we keep forgetting the basics when talking to each other. Thanks Kevin :)
Hey kevin,
If you read oldies,hope you are not mad at us :D
And thank you Rihanna i was wondering how to ask him to do this ;)
Thank you kevin,i love this website .and the news is that i have moved on.i feel nothing for him and my life is amazing.
I can never thank you enough!!!
No problem a.z :) ... and I'm very happy for you :D
How can I be mad at you guys? You all are keeping this website alive. And the purpose of the website is to help people find happiness after a breakup.
Also, I've moved oldies to the "not your ex" forum, in case you guys can't find it.
As I said earlier, private messages might be an issue because it might invite a lot of spammers. I'll look into adding more detailed profile.
Hey it's me again.. after our meet-up she hasn't been contacting me (that was last wednesday).. until we went home together from work (that's just it.. I just fetched her from her home... which was last monday)... and then we still haven't talked since then... then until just now I saw that she updated her status in fb with the words: "Loving someone isn't about just saying it everyday.. It's about showing it everyday in everyway.."
what does this mean? I have my own interpretation for this (that she may be just playing my mind), but what do you guys think? Thanks again! :)
Dear Kevin,
I'm 21 and my ex bf is 18. We had been together for over 3 years but broke up now. I am in my No Contact period for 1 month now. In my NC period, he calls me like once a week and sometimes twice a week. But i don't pick it up. Sometimes, I let my ph to off power. He has new gf now. I think I'm still not strong enough to talk to him as I begged him too much when we broke up and showed him a lot of desperation and neediness. He have even told me like " I know that you love me alot, you won't never move on or cheat on me " ... :(
May i get your advice, Kevin ?
I admit I can stay in NC period well now is because of you and your advice from ebook. Thank you so much Kevin ..
Hi Patrick,
I think you should forget about the fb post if you can it probably doesn't mean anything... If you haven't contacted each in another week or so send a text like the one above. Btw did you complete the 30 days NC?
Yes I did. But now we had a serious talk and learned she has found another guy (almost so immediately). We had a long serious talk today (almost the whole day)... I was reluctant at first and tried to do a double-take on everything she said (especially when she said that there is no more hope for us and that she doesn't love me anymore--I guess I really ruined our relationship before our breakup that much), but eventually, at the end of the day, I kind of wanted to let her go now... at least I knew in my heart I tried my best. You're thoughts and inspiring words and tips have helped me move on a little easier than before, thank you.
Thank you so much to you guys here.. for helping people get back to the ones they know they deserve. I tried my best to do so-- following everything to the letter even though it hurts at times, but after that long serious talk.. I have finally decided to just let it be and let go. Thank you for helping me through all of this, I have become a better person because of you guys.
Of course my feelings for her are still there, since you guys helped me get over her 'sort of...' but now it's time to truly get over her. If she is really for me, then only the universe and time will tell. Again, many thanks to you guys.. I have recommended some friends who has the same predicament as mine and I know you will help them tons.
Live long and prosper!
Hi Kevin,
This is something that's been bothering me for a while and its about my girlfriend and what she said recently. Let me tell the whole story first and then tell you what she told. She dated 2 guys before me. One in high school and the other in college. She was intimate with both of them but she told she did not have any penetration sex. She told me that i was her first in bed and i was so happy to hear that coz my trust for her was build on that. She is still in college and I work. She was close with her ex from college but she is over him. But he is not. He still tries to talk to her about their past and tries being friends with her. He once tried to make a move on her even while we were dating. I told her that im not cool with the idea of her ex who has not moved on tryna being friends with her. But she shut him out of her life. But the other day i caught her whatsapping him and she hesistated to tell me or show me what the conversation was about. The next day she told me that "She had sex with him in her previous relationship" and that was the conversation all about which she felt shitty about. I know i cant do anything to undo her past or my past, but my trust has a big hole in it. How do i convince her to stop all means of contacts with her ex?
Me and my ex have been together since April 2010 but we broke up briefly in 2012 and he asked for another chance. We got back together in August 2012 but then he broke up with me last May after he had moved away to work. I kept trying to work things out and thought we were both wanting to be together up until October 2013 when he broke up with me by text again saying he doesn't think we can be happy together. I have made all the mistakes that you have warned us not to do like begging etc but just felt so hurt. He has now been in a relationship with a girl since February but we were recently talking and were out with a friend at the end of June. I invited him up to see my new flat in which we sat and talked for about 2 hrs in which he said he was drinking a bottle of vodka nearly every night because he was missing his friends. I also asked if he was looking forward to going home (back to Fort William were he works) and he said 'not one little bit'. Since then we have had an argument and he said he loves his new girlfriend and is happy and wants me to move on. I do not understand why he would take time to talk to me if he was happy with his new girlfriend and I do not know what to do? I do really love him and don't understand how I could have meant so much to him before an for him to hurt me soo much. His new girlfriend is only 19 (he is 25) and is the complete opposite of me. Please advise if you think he has truly moved on and I no longer have a chance?
Hi Marie,
You 'might' have a chance still if you follow Kevin's steps but go back and re-read what you wrote and think about whether you would want to revive this relationship because you're compatible or because you could be jealous that he's with someone new and happy? "He doesn't think we can be happy together", "
"he's been in a relationship since February and he said he loves his new gf and is happy and wants me to move on" ... "he's drinking vodka because he misses his friends (and not you)" ... Marie, You deserve happiness also and I don't see it happening with a guy already in love with someone else... Sorry, but you'll do great and meet someone who will love you forever... If you're still unconvinced do the steps good luck
Hello to you all,
My situation is a little different, and here's why...It's been more than 10 years since I walked out on my ex-fiance! For some reason, the last 6 months have been filled with thoughts of him, and I have no idea what to do about it.
Here is the history:
Met and began dating in 1990, which was my last year of high school (childhood sweethearts) and broke-up in my 2nd year of University - 1993 (he cheated). For the next 7 years, he always seemed to find which radio station I worked at, and would call me randomly. I was moving alot, due to the nature of my profession, but there would always be contact from him out of the blue. He proposed in 2002, and in 2003 I left my family, friends, job to live with him in another state. I ended-up cheating on him, I was not myself and I walked-out on him later that year and never explained why. At the time I thought it would be better to try and make him hate me, so that he would feel anger, etc and would be happy about me leaving (and thus NOT feel pain). Unfortunately it was only years later that I discovered I had been having a nervous breakdown (hence my behaviour, lies, train of thought, etc). The situation was nothing short of horrid and heartbreaking. I know he is in a long-term relationship.
Any advice, help, comments are welcome and much appreciated. Thank you
Hi mg,
I'm sorry to say this but your chances are slim. You could follow Kevin's steps but I suggest you move on especially that he's in a long term relationship. Perhaps you could seek therapy to help you move on...
Hi mg,
You could send the 'something reminded me of you text' and initiate a false friendship, then see what happens (if anything) and take it from there... good luck :-)
Hi kevin,
My fiancé and I broke up in June this year we were together for 3 years and have a 2 years old daughter now. Her excuse for leaving me was that she still too young (24 years same as me) and have not experienced single life and want to take her own decisions. I was devastated and started doing the things I should not have like going to her place and trying and convince her to come back. Then I put my foot down and did not contact her for a week and then she text me asking why I’m not replying to her and she just wants to chat and be friends, to which I said I need some space for some time, then I thought she might be changing her mind so went back to her house and did the same tried to convince her to come back, that’s when she said there was a lot of dishonesty (I lied to her twice or max three times about money) and financial problems in our relation and she doesn’t trust me as her partner anymore.
Now I’m back on NC for the past 3 days in all that time she is initiating the conversation either via text messages or Facebook asking how my game was or should we close the joint bank account and all that, but im stuck to NC and only replied to thongs I thought worth replying for in a friendly way, to which she got upset that I’m not holding conversation with her over facebook. But what should I do when I have my daughter with me and she calls and texts me asking about her? And do you think of this entire situation like her feelings and all.
Hi Kevin doing NC when you have a child is number 3 in the FAQ section here
Hi Rihanna,
Just wondering how you're doing since you sent him that text - any updates?
Hello my beauty Sinead,
I've been wondering where you've been. Why don't you head over the Boards section and go under 'Oldies' all of your friends are there too :) ... LOL, I haven't heard from him after that text but he's been quiet and withdrawn even on whatsapp and facebook so maybe he'd dealing with life in order to move forth. Truth is, I don't care hahaha... But I have a feeling it's made him smile at least :) ... How are you?
Hey Rihanna,
I was a bit late in replying to this message. It seems you are OK about the message. The guys over at the message boards (the oldies) are pretty good at analyzing things and giving advice. And I think you have the right attitude about it.
PS: It seems you are getting used to the boards as well. Let me know if you have any suggestions for the boards.
Hi Kevin,
Yes, I finally got the hang of using the Board, though at times I can't see the new thread unless I click on the link in my email inbox, why's that?
Hmm, you're asking the wrong person on how to improve the site, only yesterday I learnt a new word and I'm still learning how to spell it hahaha... I don't know who or when they invented something called "screenshot" but didn't know it existed til my bestie mentioned it yesterday and I was like 'what's that?' ... so yes, you're asking a very old soul who still prefers to search through encyclopedia books as a way of research lol :P
Thanks Kevin :)
haha. I am glad you are getting used to it. I am not sure why you don't see the new posts sometimes. I will look into it. It might have to do something with cache (I included the "cache" part just to mess with you haha).
Hey guys thanks so much for all of this.. you guys are heaven sent!
anyways, I broke the NC after a month or so.. we have just been texting (she initiated almost everyday) after that for almost 2 weeks.. then we met-up.
I think the mindset that you want me to produce after the NC was there in me, but looking back at the meet-up I think I screwed up. See, the meet-up went well, we were talking and sharing and laughing as if nothing happened (of course we treated each other as just friends then).. but then we have to visit a close friend of ours who died. She wanted to go there badly but her parents didn't allow her cause she was sick. They eventually allowed her since the parents knew me. And when we were there, I sensed she was really feeling badly 'bout the death of our friend, so I comforted her by patting her on the shoulder and holding her hand a bit.
But I was surprised she gripped hard and fondled with my hand. We let go eventually and just let it pass. But later on she held my hand again just as we were about to leave. I didn't want to untangle my hand from hers because she was gripping it; I might send a wrong message or she might think I'm rude or something. Or the holding from the beginning was already sending a wrong message?
I'm kind of lost with this. Because after the meet-up, which besides the holding of hands went well and I didn't appear needy, she didn't text at all compared to the last week after I broke the NC.
I think she is still thinking about all of this and I am thinking I should give her more time. Should I put back the NC? What would you suggest I should do? Thank you!
Hi Patrick,
How long ago was the funeral? If it was a week or less I'd hold off if I was you, but if it was 10 days or so ago you could just send a quick text asking her how she is doing or the something reminded me of you text...
It was almost a week ago... yeah, guess you're right... thank you so much Sinead!
But I should've just let go of her hand shouldn't I?
I don't think there's anything wrong with holding her hand at a funeral, it was just kindness / compassionate so don't over think it...
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend broke up very badly because of constant nagging, constant calling him up and not giving him space. he had trust issues and i had insecurity issues. I want him back but he is very scared of me. that day i went to talk to him and we just got little physical and he banged me against wall, as i was stopping him to leave his house seeing me. and neighbour called the police and now he is worried that his neighbours will think that he is doing domestic abuse. he said he has moved on and doesnt care or love me anymore. i am not sure how anyone can move in 2 weeks but he gets very irritated seeing my messages and calls. i badly want him back. what should i do
Start with 30 days NC and Follow the plan...
Hi,
Right now not sure what is going on. I've had an on off relationship with my youngest child's father for getting on 30+ years. I know he is the one true love of my life. Something keeps bringing us back together.
He's told me he loves me and wants us to be a family again, although he has just bought another woman into his mothers home where he is staying. Even whilst this woman has been there he has been telling me he loves me and wants us to be a family.
How can this be when he has this other woman with him. He's ignoring our daughter since the other woman has come. Tonight things came to a head and I know I did something really stupid. I yelled and lashed out at him. I feel so emotionally drained and hurt right now.
I would like to try the NC but right now don't see how this is going to be possible with our daughter.
Read this article.
After reading this i just realized we wont ever get back toghether. I wonder how is it even possible to phisically feel a heartbroken. I've been having dark thoghts and I am scared for my life. I gave up on everything. friends, family and myself. it is all just a waste of time.
Why do you feel like this after reading this Gia? If anything, this article is meant to give you hope. I'll recommend you should at least give it a try. Follow the plan at least once. Who knows, maybe it will work for you.
Hey Kevin/readers.
My Ex and I broke up in the last couple of days and i truly am heartbroken. We are both 18 and have been together for 2 years, I know it's a young age and we have our whole lives ahead of us but we really do love each other. We broke up because I was too argumentative and always wanted to be a part of her life, so i know i was in the wrong and i'm the sole blame for the break up. I have read you 5 steps and it's really beginning to dawn on me that i am on the list of DO NOTS. Its hard to accept that the girl i love will be dating but i hope she still thinks of me everyday.
i just want everything to be okay again, she's going to University in september so i really want to prove to her that she wont regret getting back together again (if, thats a big if she does).
any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Isaac
You should follow the plan and let it be her idea to get back together.
Hey everyone! it's been 2 months since me and my ex spoke to eachother. I'm 18 and he's 18, we had a distancerelationship, and we broke up because of me being immature and insecure.
I've kinda gotten over him, and i feel good in myself. I want to write to him, become his friend atfirst.. but there's something holding me back, like i want to message him, but something's telling me that i shouldn't..
Here comes an message i posted in here:
Hey Everyone!
i would love some help..
I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. :( i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. :( but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance :(
What do you guys think?
One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want :(
What do you guys think? I'm totally numb right now :(
/ Lovisa :)
Hey lovisa,
Here’s a checklist for ending no contact.
-You followed the no contact rule for at least one month.
-You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
-You have made a few positive changes in your life.
-You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision.
-You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
-You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
-You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.
If you believe you have been following it,go for it ,follow the rest of the plan and don't worry about anything.
Hey a.z! thanks for helping me out.
But i don't know.. maybe it's too late to be something more than friends? i'm worrying about that and that he finds someone better than me. I've come to this point, that i jut want him to be happy. But i don't know.. i'm thinking of taking one month of NC again.. should i do that, or is it gonna be too late after that?
Thanks again!
hey guys....i need your opinion please. it was this guy, he is 23 years old and i am 21. we were liking each other for a long time and we were talking every night for 6 months. we finally got together!! our relationship was great, we had an amazing time together and we were both happy. He showed how much he cared about me, he expressed his feelings towards me and we were happy! but our relationship lasted for only one month because he suddenly stopped talking to me and i don't know why...he wasn't replying to my msgs...i asked him if something's wrong and why he is avoiding me and he still didn't reply...i waited 3 days to see if he texts me but he didn't..so i got angry and sent a msg to him and said: ''if you don't want to be with me just grow some guts and say it to me!'' but he still didn't reply!!! so i didn't sent him again... from that moment i showed that i am strong and not a needy person and miserable without him, i didn't text and i put pics on Facebook with friends going out and having fun. it's been a month since we broke up but he still doesn't text or talks to me :/ i don't know what to do because i fell in love with him and i want to be with him again! and i also want to know why he stopped talking to me and broke up with me..i still don't know the reason we broke up, because i asked him and he didn't tell me. So guys please help me..give me some advice... 1) how do i get him back, and 2)how do i find out why we broke up!!
Hey,I read the whole guide.It found very helpful. Actually I am damn sad and full of sorrow after my breakup. My guy broke up with me 4 months before . The reason was his possessiveness. Actually he saw me hanging out with one of my male friend and he was hurt . He said that he's too much hurt and he do not trust me anymore and he broke up . After that I started irritating him with my texts and calls. He do cares for me I know but doesn't show. He doesn't. Feel comfortable with me now. I convinced him, begged him but its useless. I love him very much. He's s very good guy. I want to be with him but he's not listening. What should I do now?
Hey guys, please help me...me and my ex broke up about week and half because of some compacted stuff! She said give her till Monday and we're end of Saturday...yes might say that's easy no because she's gone clubbing with her ex but she promised me she wouldn't do nothing which to be far shes not like that! Anyways she said she still loves me! All I can think is about them to! What do I do? Do you think she wants me back or not
Listen if ur girl goes clubbing w her x she not being honest w u !! She is keeping u as her safety net don't let her use u .
Hey Kieran,
You have a good chance in getting your ex back and don't worry about her going out with other guys especially an ex it's just for her to vent out. You should complete NC for 30 days and follow the plan. Good luck
Dear Kevin,
A question that's been on my mind for a while. Why does my ex not respond to my texts until the next day, and if that! He initiates contact rarely but I do most of it, I always congratulate him when something good happens in his life. I have to admit that he calls me more than I call him but most of the time after 'I' initiate a text. He sounds in pain on the phone and genuine with me. But what does it mean when he ignores a simple text? or if he answers a text he does so but not for a while, after hours or the next day or not at all. When I text him 'I need advice' or something similar he calls me straight away and makes me feel good and hopeful about life after, though the advice I ask of him is never too serious cos I want to come across strong and happy but I use that as an excuse to see if he still cares. Also, I know he's hardly working cos of his injury but he keeps promising me things but doesn't keep his promises. Small things but nevertheless, they are still promises, eg: he promised to send me an art work he did for me by mail but he hasn't sent it, he wanted to make a children book with me where he'll illustrate and I write around his pictures but he hasn't and stuff like that, I know and he knows he's in pain so why does he promise things like that? He says he's going to enrol at uni no matter what for next year and he spoke to some lecturers and that he's quitting smoking which is great, but if he doesn't do that I'm going to completely move on from him. However, for now, I'd like to know what does he ignore my texts or replies ages after (although he's warm with him messages unless he's in pain) and 2) why does he make promises he can't do at the moment, and he knows I know he's still in pain? Thanks heaps Kevin
Also, I just read the 'The Art of Letting Go' letter and I don't think I did well with it cos it scared me of letting him go and because of other factors in my life I did the STUPIDEST thing in the world by sending him a text which says: 'I miss your lips on my lips hahaha... it's wrong! but an innocent kiss lol" and now I know he's read it and ignored it! Why is this happening to me, I'm so edgy these days and now I did this I want to die! Please kevin tell me what I should do to fix this ... I hate myself atm :(
Hey guys, thanks for this helpful website, I will try to use it now and I hope it will work out.
We were only together for a month but I've been in love with him for a while. Now he went as an exchange student to another country and he's acting all weird. He just started ignoring me out of nothing and wrote to my friend last week "I think she doesn't love me and I'm not sure I can trust her" and now he just deleted his account, his old phone number doesn't work anymore, etc.
I don't know what to do. I guess this is it? But I just want him back...
To be honest, your chances are less. You were together only for a month and he is far way. You can still try once and follow the plan. But if it doesn't work, you should move on.
Hi Kevin, is there anything for long distance relationship? We're 400 miles from each other, if I'm going to see him after NC it would be too much (Hey that's a lot of driving, I must be up to something!)
:)
Everything else remains same. But instead of meeting up, you can ask him to come on skype. If things are going well between you two, you can plan a trip to his city and meet up.
Hey guys ,
I've been seeing this girl for the past 4 months now .
Everything was going well , or so I thought , she called me about 2 weeks ago saying she's not ready for a relationship en she has to end it .
I was devastated because things were going so well , ofcourse in hinesight there were signs like : slowly distancing herself , not so enthustiastic when we talked on the phone ..
But the next day she told me she missed me and loved me , she called me and said that everything she said the previous day was a lie and she still feels the same .
Since then the situation has been awkward , we text but it's more smalltalk than actual conversation and she's responding less and less .
She did say that's because of her personal issues and has nothing to do with me .
She says she wants to take things slowly until she feels better .
I just think she'll forget about me and will realize she's better off alone , that's way she is , she said she didn't want to drag me into her drama .
What do I do ?
I feel as if my situation is different because we weren't together as long as some of the other people on here ...
Hey Jake,
If you are just having small talk with her, then it'll be a good idea to do NC. Tell her you think you both need some space and time. Don't worry, she won't forget about you so soon.
Hi. So my ex and I finally met again after the NC period and after almost two weeks of just reaching out through text from time to time. Yeah the 'meet-up' went well. So well. Actually it was low-key and took only 3-4 hours max since I got things to do and she wasn't feeling all well the whole week (according to her, I decided I should still go since our planned meet-ups have always been postponed because something came up for her or for me and it looked like a perfect time that time since she wasn't really doing anything the whole day and it might be a chance to take care of her too or something hehe).
So we were at first in her house talking and talking and having a few laughs just like old friends. Of course there is still that level of discomfort but that didn't really hold as back into talking with each other as if it was only yesterday (at least to my perspective). It wasn't too cheesy or too sweet either.
She shared how bad this week was for her (our friend's death, her two-weeks cough, etc), and that she badly wants to go and pay her respects to our very young friend who just passed away but her mother wouldn't let her because she was just truly recovering from her cough. So I insisted that we should go since I was on my way to pay my respects too. Eventually she was allowed to go out but then we went first to eat out somewhere and to talk some more. And then we went to the funeral for a very brief visit.
When we were there, after I prayed, I waited for her to pray but I sensed she felt really bad about our friend's death. I didn't know why I did it, but it just felt right that time. I groped her hand with mine as if comforting her--trying to touch her lightly. My expectation was that her defenses would be put up and she would loosen her hand from mine. But I was surprised she was holding my hand too and she was moving her fingers playfully as she was holding my hand. Deep down I was like Oh God. But we didn't need to say anything.
Of course, we didn't held out for too long. She wanted to go already. And so we did. We talked to the brother of the departed and then we walked a long aisle going outside. Another unexpected thing happened. She reached out for my hand. I didn't hesitate--I just looked at her and smiled sheepishly. And we held out lightly each other's hand outside and as I accompanied her run some errands before taking her back to her home.
It was heaven I tell you. On our way home riding a jeep she rested her head on my shoulders for awhile. And when she was almost home, we hugged each other and kissed each other's cheek saying we had a great time and see you.
We texted a little bit that night.
But now I am confused since she doesn't text me for almost two days already. Usually, since having talked again after NC, she would always greet me a good morning and a good night (and I would respond coolly). I didn't reach out yet since all this time she reaches out first and then I just respond coolly, but now, she wouldn't even send me a single text. Of course, I sent her one short message last night asking how she is but she didn't even respond. Then i just saw in my fb wall last night that she was commenting on a few posts (not stalking, just appeared on my fb wall). Now she is still not talking to me. What could this mean? Could this have something to do with our 'meet-up?'
hey guys,
Just needed some help here.
Ok, so my girlfriend broke up with me coz we constantly kept fighting over me not giving her enough time, thanks to my weird work schedule. So she broke up, and now she's still in touch but not much. She says that its over for now, but im not moving on and looking for someone new, I don't want the kind of relationship that we had, I want more and I don't know what's going to happen in future. So im totally confused and not sure what to do..so if anyone could suggest something please??
Hi alan,
Your situation isn't really that difficult cos you're the one confused and with the weird work schedule etc... So your girlfriend left you because she wanted you to miss her presence and re-evaluate your lifestyle. I think you should do NC for a while and during this time really focus on yourself. Ask yourself: what do you want to achieve out of life? How do you want to spend the next few years? Can you imagine your life in a different career path or can you cut your hours in the job you're in and how will that affect you financially? If you change certain things in yourself will you hold some resentments towards your girlfriend if you did those changes only for her sake? And during NC also take up a new hobby, be physically active (I'm such a hypocrite on this one lol)... After NC and you're no longer confused about yourself and you still want your girlfriend in your life after making changes, "show" her how much you've changed then voila! I personally think you have good chance in getting her back but you need to find yourself first. Good luck :)
Hi everyone,
I’m really angry today. I spoke to my friend, who knows my ex (but doesn’t know him very well), and she said that he’s only ever been around because he needed me and this is the first time I really needed him, and he disappeared! It’s true, he’s been through a lot the past few years and I’ve always been there for him either as a girlfriend or a friend.
I’m so angry at him now, I know it’s only been a few days since I sent the letter but I’m so angry with him for not replying... I hate myself for all the angst and I know if I hadn’t been so needy and bombarded him with texts and calls last year, we’d probably be back together now.
I’m just so annoyed he’s not even acknowledging me... And I’m also terrified of moving on because I’ve only been in love twice so I’m fearful it won’t happen again for me and even if it did – I’m 39 now – it would probably be too late for me to have children etc, so I’m giving up a lot by giving up on this relationship. I really thought the RR letter would work I’m so disappointed it didn’t...
I'm really sorry that you are feeling like this.and i'm sorry that he didn't reply to your letter.but he may answer it by the next few days.
I don't really know your story .if you don't mind,could you please tell us more about it?
Hi a.z,
(Just to let you know I also responded to your comment below ok?)
Though I really don't think it does our relationship justice... We have been the best friends since we were 13 years old - apart from an 8 year gap during our 20's when I lived in Australia - and when I returned home 10 years ago we became extremely close again. He has always been uncomfortable with conflict and avoid's arguments at all costs, but until now it was never really a problem for us because we have never really argued. He has never had a serious relationship with anyone else and he hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.
I know from fb that he is on holiday at the moment and I think he has seen my letter because he was active on fb Tuesday. I think he marked it unread though because its not marked 'seen' yet...
Sinead, I'm really sorry but don't lose hope I think he marked it unread because he's not ready yet to face it and he cars enough for you to think he hasn't seen it yet to spare your feelings, same thing happened to MD and he
To me and he ended up calling me when hr was ready. I'll answer to more post when I get my laptop its hard on phone but hope my comment helped
thanks Rihanna, I'm calmer now - with just a few words from you. your words are grace :-) thank you XOXO
Hi, I had a complicated case here. I am a mother of 2 young kids n I had a relationship with a Japanese guy. I am a Chinese. At first, I wasn't too serious but after just few months of relationship, I fell deeply in love with him. But that's the moment he decided to end the relationship. He told me 'if u dont trust me now, u wun trust me in the future' and of cos other bad reasons about me and also about him. I was really very upset and did whatever that annoyed him like: Drunk texts, texting his frens asking abt his new life without me and posted something abt him on facebook n his frens screenshot my post n showed him. He had been ignoring me very long. Sometimes he replied when I chk with him something abt traveling but sometime he did not. He told me if I still treat him as a man, we will never meet.
At times he finally willing to meet me up, but my bad bad habit like Drunk texts him alot n also those very long messages that freaked him out. It can b also very emotional texts too.
I've decided to divore for him once I can get him back. But I cannot control n texted him every few days. If he dont reply, I will use some ways to threaten him or I will get very angry n said nasty things to him.
I knw this isn't right but I have no confidence in myself as im alrdy a mother of 2young kids. N now I tink of him every single minute. I get to see him often as we r colleagues. Due to our secret relationship, due to something that I've posted on facebook, most of his Japanese colleagues knew and discouraged him to be with me. Especially of my status. I am trying hard to change myself to a more cheerful person but always when our mutual frens told me that he always like to flirt around with gals n he may not the guy that u want. It is not healthy as well and u should go back to your husband. But the prob is, I do not love my husband anymore.
What r the ways I can do to get back that japanese guy? I am alrdy 28yrs old n I knw that chinese and japanese cultures are really different. Alot of japanese men r particular on the female appearance, its not that im ugly, I am fashionable n I look pretty good when I put on make up, but I had bad stretchmarks on my tummy and I am tanned. So how do I look good to the max? All Japanese gals r so kawaii, fair skin, sweet n gentle, gd skin n figure, young n pretty. It was easy to get any jp gals out there in no time. So I loses my confidence and Im worried that if I don't contact him, he migh forget abt me n dating a new gf.
In my world I only sees him.
My friends gave up hope on me as they can foresee that we are impossible. N they hate to see me suffe like this every single day!
Teach me a way that I can prove them wrong that Me n that Jap guy r still possible? Strong advice needed! Thanks!
Hi Jocelyn,
I think you need to follow the plan which means doing NC for 30 days. You should use that time to make positive changes in yourself to make yourself a happy confident person.
I know the NC is really difficult but you need to break those bad habits of texting / calling all the time. If you subscribe to Kevin's email's you will get a motivational email everyday and this should help you during the NC period. Good luck Jocelyn!
Hi:
I read many of the comments and I share a lot. I am 40 and my ex is 25. I went NC for 10 days and Bam, my ex contacted me saying that "I've been wanting to contact you for a while, I miss talking to you and I would love to hear about you and see you". I felt positive and I played cool and I was nice but not too friendly so I responded by saying that "I would like to know and hear about you as well". so we emailed back and forth for 2 days and then my ex said "I want to see you" so I responded "sure, It would be nice. It's been a while since we met". My ex said "Yay". I responded with a smiley face :-). Following day my ex is kind of changed again. We live in different states but my ex used to come once a week to see me. what should I do now? ignore my ex? wait few days then contact? go NC again? It is very confusing LoL.
Hi FII,
You should follow the plan and do NC for 30 days. Tell her you think you both need some time and space (don't worry she won't move on) and don't initiate contact at all during that month just and work on making yourself happy. If you subscribe to Kevin's emails you will get an email everyday which will help you get through the NC period. Good luck!
Hi there,
You didn't really do NC properly cos you broke it after 10 days. I think you'll have a good chance in getting her back if you follow Kevin's plan. Do NC again, good luck
I loved it the article makes perfect sense, I will do my best to fallow this to the tee.
Hey,
So I am at a bit of a loss about what to do. My ex and I broke up almost 3 months ago by mutual consent, she had been talking/flirting with her best friend a lot and I later found out that they had feelings for each other. I was very hurt and felt betrayed, but I loved her and was willing to help her through this. She was committed to staying with me and said she still loved me, but every week for about 3 weeks she said she couldn't do it until we decided we should split.
For 3 months I was an idiot. I didn't want to lose her from my life. We loved each other, lived together, travelled the world together. I was constantly in contact. id agree to giving her space and then fail 3 days later, I would blame her for things, every time we met I was in tears, I drank a lot, I was very depressed and had absolutely no control over my emotions or thoughts. I regret every day of those 3 months and wish I could go back to the start and apply the no contact rule straight away. But I have to live with those mistakes.
Basically, I asked her about 2 months ago what was happening with the guy that she had feelings for, I said I wanted the truth and deserve the truth and she told me that they are sleeping together. As far as I know, they are in a relationship now, although she said they aren't. I struggle with this, it breaks me every time the bought crosses my mind, and am not sure if it is a rebound relationship or the real deal.
I haven't spoken to her now for 2 weeks, I have had several days where I almost have, but have stopped myself. I have been doing a lot better, the entire time since we split up I have been hitting the gym hard, it has been my saviour and the only thing that has kept my head in an ok place. I have lost 13kg and am feeling healthy. I don't know if she still has feelings for me. She loved me so much, would tell me weekly that I can never leave her, and that we would always be together etc. She told me that Id changed her life, that she wouldn't get through uni without me. Prior to the past 2 weeks, she would get angry at me sometimes, and then the next day be apologetic and nice, and she didn't know why. I have read that this can be a sign that they still have feelings for you.
Basically, I want to get to the 30 day point and see where I am at. Im sure everyone is the same, but she was my best friend and that is what I struggle with the most. I want my best friend back, I truly feel like we make each other better people and will now do whatever I can to give myself the best chance. I may have already ruined my chance by being an out of control mess, but Im hoping there is still a slim chance. What I really wonder is if she thinks about me at all, if she misses me at all. If she will only remember the guy who went crazy after we broke up, or if she will remember the guy she spent the best 2 years of her life with. I also don't know how serious this new relationship is. Everything points to rebound, but it worries me that its not. I should also point out that she is 21 and I am 27.
Hi Nick,
Continue doing NC for the 30 days and follow the plan and she will remember the 'sane' you she spent 2 years with. Time will tell with the new guy too. You're doing everything right so far, staying cool on the outside and going to the gym etc. Maybe put some pictures of the new you up on facebook (if you both use it).. And if your still struggling with the NC subscribe to Kevin's emails, you'll get an email every day and they really help to keep up your morale.
Hi Sinead,
Thank you for your response. I think the most comforting thing for me lately is knowing that I am not alone in this pain. It terrible to say, but so many people must be going through a similar situation right now. I actually did what you suggested, I posted a before and after shot of my gym progress on facebook. Received over 30 comments and 120+ likes which made me feel really good. Nothing from my ex, but I think if she saw the photo it would make her think about things a little more. It makes me really proud to see the positive changes in my appearance, originally I decided to lose weight to make myself more desirable to my ex, but now it is all for me. Not sure what will happen with this other guy, he is the complete opposite of me, and if I know her, which I feel I do, then she will get bored eventually. Just need to keep my head together, not break this good run of NC and see what happens. I am hoping that she may contact me first as I can then regain some power, but I dont think that will happen.
Hi, friends!
I went to the boards. And I was lost. Lol. How can I find you there? I am having a hard time looking for where all of you are :'(
Hi Raed,
I was just on the Boards gave few advices to people there but I wanted to create a thread exclusive to us friends eg: Dara, David, Festival David, Edward, Daniel, a.z, Sinead, and us but don't know how LOL... I'm not doing well at all with my situation but it'll be good to just catch up
Rihanna,i feel sad when you say you are not doing well,i'm sure everything will be alright.btw i missed talking to our old group like before :(
Thank you so much Raed and a.z, your advice is gold! I know I'll learn the hard way and I agree with you Raed he is playing mind games or he sees no point until I move there... because after he said 'move on...' he said 'when you move to the city and I'm still here I'll always be here for you as a friend'. Anyway, I think I'm on a painful path and my heart is paving the way :(
a.z, how did you open up a new topic called 'a.z's final episode' on the board, I can't figure out how to create a new forum completely detatched from other topics... perhaps you could open one just for our group? I feel much better after speaking to you guys :)
Raed, you can judge me anytime. If you feel i'm about to do something stupid or act needy or get hurt feel free to slap me lol... I'd do the same if you weren't so much more mature than me despite me being so much older lol... I hope you're doing much better today than the other day, sadness doesn't suit you one bit, so please stay happy and cheer us up with you ;)
hey,
I opened the reconciliation page ,create a new thread and that was it.i will open one for our group,i feel a little embarrassed i don't know what to name it LOL.
I did,i named it Oldies :D lol
Hey Rihanna,
When you are logged in, there's a link at the top which says "Create a new thread". Alternatively, you can scroll down and there's a form to create a new thread there.
Hi All,
Nice to hear from you,
Im not sure how to find specific people, but once you find the thread you can subscibe or add it to your favourites.
I have my own thread called "What does she want?" and a.z also has her own thread,
I have favourited both of these, also if you happen to come across my name on there "FestivalDavid" you can click my name and see the topics I have favourited!
I would like to hear from you all, so if you do have a thread let me know and I will follow it :) x
Hey Festival David, I miss you soooooooo much and I still think of the comment which made me laugh and kept me awake laughing hehehehe, "I won't be hungry at 5" lol... you're the best!
I know I love the old group and even if we make new thread cos I joined a.z 's and will find you and add you to favourites it's still bit of a challenge finding 'our group' without having interference from others hahahahaha... But I'm so glad to find you and hear from you as well... See you on the Board :) ... I think Kevin prefers it too lol
how do I add you to 'favorites' I can't find the favorite button either! Aaaargh, I feel stupid... How do I add you Festival David and A.z since you both have new threads? thanks heaps
AAAAARGH!
Hey Rihanna and Raed,
If you find mine and a.z threads, as long as you are logged in, if you click to open the thread, somewhere at the top of the first post top right corner, you should see something called "Favourite" and "Subscribe"
Click that, it should add it to your favourites. Then What you can do is when you come abck to the boads, just click on your own profile and click "Favourites" and it will show you the threads you have favourited! :)
Also if you see my name in the posts, you can click on my name and click "Favourites" you can see the threads that Ive actually favourited (Ive favourited a.z and my thread) so you can find our 2 threads that way if its easier then searching :)
Let me know if you start a thread and I will favourite it x
Can i add you guys too ? but i don't about new threads . . how can i do ??
hello...my bf and I broke up 2 wks ago. we were together for 2 years and 9 mos. It was a tough one . i did all txt..call..beg absolutely lost my self esteem just to have him back should have i read this site would have not done it. I was devastated as i really fall for him badly we had to a lot of trials that we won together. I hold on to his words that we will grow old together so it really surprised me and shattered me when he broke up with me, I wasn't able to go to work and just cry and be miserable. This wk i started the NC and it did help me change the daily routine with him that drives me crazy..the usual calls..text . My concern though we are working on the same company so during the NC it will be possible i will bump with him...what shall i do in this case?
Hi Raessa,
Here's a link to applying NC while you both work together
I hope this helps...
Thank you so much, Dara, a.z and Sinead for your help... Today I feel so sad I can hardly breathe :( ... what happened? I was doing fine and now all I do is wonder what went wrong? I know he's going through personal issues but come on, does he know how his reaction is affecting the ppl around him? And no I never replied to his texts straight away but I did answer his phone calls every time and only because he'd tell me beforehand when he's going to call... Last phone call he loved that I was opening up to him and sharing my plans and he was sharing too, then all of a sudden one morning he sends me that text saying 'he's having panic attacks at night and I should move on' ... I think he really meant it and I might be back to square one, maybe deaths' door... We don't have skype though that's easy fix but what's the point now? I don't think he's keen on skype (though he mentioned it once during his good mood)... I'm really at a loss for words and have no idea whether he'll talk to me again, it's been since saturday morning when he sent me the 'move on' text and since the end of NC this has been the longest we haven't spoken... I can't bring myself to text him again the ball is in his court now and I can't do anything... really really sad :(
by the way, I'm really sorry that I have been winging lots here ... I don't know what I would do without you guys, you're all great friends to have and as bad as breakups are I'm glad I met you here, friends :)
Rihanna , i'm sorry to hear from you .. fighting my fri !!
Rihanna,
Hi! I think it is just normal to feel what you are feeling right now. I am like that too at times. I think what would matter most is that you keep improving everytime. When we say we will move on, we don't expect it to happen overnight. Moving on is a process. But in your case I know you are not totally moving on.
Rihanna, at times I would like you to do some self-inspection and self-actualization. Ask yourself is that what you really want? Is staying more worth it than moving on? Is it still worth all the pain, doubts and confusion?
During times like that I had some self-realization. I love her that time but it hurts me more. So I asked myself what do I really want. And I wanted to be happy. From then on, I tried moving on. It is hard, really. But it is worth it. Because I have saved myself from more pains to come.
During those tough times, ask yourself how long would you want to be affected. When he's happy, everythings fine with the both of you. But when he is sad, you become confused and doubt yourself.
Sometimes, you have to make a stand. At times you have to tell him what you would tolerate and what you wouldn't.
If yoy think it is going nowhere, don't prolong the agony. Your supposedly happy days might be wasted just because you cling on to something that the Universe wants you to let go.
But if you think it is still worth it, then try.
If ever you feel sad, we are always here :-)
Thank you Raed, you're a wonderful friend and I agree with you. Should I send him a message in a few days time if he doesn't or should i just ignore him or send him all the pics via whatsapp and say: "I'm cleaning my phone so I'm sending you these in case you would want to keep them". The purpose of this message would be to tell him "I'm moving on and deleting you from my life". What do you think?
You don't have to move on unless you feel like you want to and everything you feel is really normal.don't focus on his words like move on...,i'm sure he is gonna change that soon.i don't think if you have to do NC.you can show him that you don't care anymore when you are in touch.
Rihanna,
Yes, A. Z. is right. You don't need to move on if you don't feel like it. Because it will be harder to resist. But if you still want him but thinks that you are better off without him in the long run, then you will be needing a lot of self control to really cut it all out.
About the pictures, it will be fine if you send them to him. But he might be confused if you wouldn't directly tell him that you want to move on. And will you really send him the pictures because you want to tell him that you are moving on? Or you are doing that because somehow when he sees the pictures, it may spark something back?
I may not see you in person, Rihanna. But I know that somewhere deep within you is the hope to have him back. To how it was before it gets this messy and confusing. I know somehow you are waiting for that miracle. I can sense you are still clinging to even a small thread to hold on to, to not totally keep you apart. And I wouldn't hate you for that.
As they said, forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe one reason why it will. So as long as you still want to try no matter how much it hurts, go ahead. If the flame is still burning with desire to make it work out, then let it.
I cannot tell you to stop because I am not you. And sometime we have to learn the hard way. Sometimes, we wouldn't believe others unless we see/experience it ourselves. So if you still want to try no matter how much you will be whining after, then don't deny yourself with the chance.
If it will not really work, then I believe someday you will be the one to call it quits and tell yourself when you've had more than enough. But if it works, then I will be happy for you.
I just want to say that whatever you feel like doing - whether to move on or keep trying, I will support you. I am your friend. And I won't judge ;-)
What if my ex and i are living in the same house?
Read this article.
Hello,
I appreciate for the wonderful job you are doing. During the no contact period in this one month i did not take any initiative of calling my boyfriend. One fine day he called me up from another number and i recieved his call he insisted to meet up he was showing that he was caring for me and wanted to stay one night at my place. I then met him and he stayed with me one night. We both came close to each other it was like that we love each other lots and there is no misunderstanding between us but when i say the three words he does not say it or turns the statement. After that day he did not message or call up. During friendship day i waited for his message or call but he did not neither I called or texted. Nearly two weeks he did not called or texted to know how I am. It happens that after every three weeks he calls up. I am confused with this kind of behaviour dont understand whats in his mind if he not loves me then why he comes close to me and then he part his ways far from me. After one month i had met him i thought he will say the words what my ears wanted to hear.Tell me please what shall i do now?
Cindy
hey,
Don't contact him and wait for him to contact you.then act like friends.
I think he doesn't want to lose you,and he doesn't want you to move on.but he is still confused and he is not sure whether to get back with you or not.
I don't know your story like how long you have been dating and what happened,when you broke up ... .but i think he knows you want him back and i think you should act the opposite way.he doesn't have to be sure about it.
Make positive changes in your life and show that you are having a great time and you have been doing great in your life.
Find the issue in your relationship and try to resolve it.if he is confused he needs to find a good reason to convince himself to get back with you.
Good Luck
Hi everyone!
It's funny how with time we no longer obsess about how to get our exes back and start seeing things differently, for what they really are! For once, I think my ex is selfish, one day he adoooores me but isn't ready the next he ignoooores me but isn't ready and I'm sick sick sick of being considerate towards him when all he's been doing lately is being rude. Well, we talked and he was lovely all last week then on Sat he wakes up sends a text that he's had lots of panic attacks and needs to see a doc and that I should move on... ok, I didn't say anything much apart from I'm here if you need me, as a friend! Well I gave it few days (three to be exact) and today I sent him 'something remind me of you text' it's been hours and he just ignores it. The only time he calls me is when I text him feeling down and need some sort of support, then he's wonderful... but he's hot and cold and though I've read kevin's email on hot and cold it scares me cos I don't like ppl who are not stable with their decisions. I do love him but I don't know what should I do? It's been 4 months and we can't even catch up cos we live in different states for another 5 months til I move back there for MY FUTURE (fingers crossed)One day he's talking about the future with me and next he's ignoring my messages depending on his personal circumstances.
Also, I've posted great stuff on FB, I've had guys comment on my work as well and I don't know how he'll react to that (if at all)... Do you guys think I should apply NC again? I have no problem with that lol... I know he'll contact me some day but I feel like he's in control of the situation atm and not me :( ... What do you guys think I should do? Thanks heaps peeps xx
Hi Rihanna,
I am glad that you see more detail in his flaws. That's really a great sign!
I don't think if you should do NC again! I don't like the fact that you guys live apart! That's really annoying! Like I said long ago, with only one experience of long distance, I don't like the idea of long distance relationship anymore! Unfortunately, your situation is somewhat like that. You already did NC and you don't seem to be needy. Moreover, you have control over your emotions. That's great!!
My personal suggestion is that you should continue the way you are do now and set a deadline for yourself to evaluate him. For example, if after two months you find some positive changes in him (like initiating contacts, calling you more often, etc.) then continue what you have been doing. However, if you don't see the changes you expected consider moving on. Life is short and more precious to spend on one person to see if he/she changes or not.
I'm glad to hear from you Rihanna!! Keep updating us!
Rihanna,
I suggest you to tell him that you have been having a great time lately and you made new friends and it feels great.play it cool for a week and then say you have been thinking and its weird but you think two should be just friends.
Avoid being emotional and don't get too personal and ignore him when he talks about the relationship you had or anything like that.be cool ,happy,confident and positive all the times.
Use video calls and look happy sexy and attractive.
After some time let him think that your presence in his life as a friend might be over cuz you are not attracted to him like you were and he might be losing you forever.let him think that you may be interested in someone else.but he doesn't have to be sure if you are dating someone serious or anything.
Try to meet him in person after after you created the scarcity and it has to be like a perfect date. have a really good time with him and it should end up in a place that you can be intimate and talk about the relationship.again don't say anything about getting back.he doesn't have to feel any pressure.let it be his idea to get back.
Best of luck
a.z. aslo has a good suggestion. I think its better than mine!
Hi Rihanna,
I replied to you on the thread below (the one about the forum) so I don't know if you saw that or not but have you tried skype? Is that an option for you two? I don't think you should go NC again but maybe you should not reply to texts straight away, wait an hour or two and maybe think about not answering the phone the first time he tries to call, just say you were out and about or busy or something??? Would that work for you? It might help you regain some control over when ye talk etc...
Hey sinead,
I don't know you but i read your comments below Rihanna's posts and i don't know why but your comments make me feel relaxed.
Its really nice to meet you and i would like to know your story,i actually scrolled down but i couldn't find your original post.
Hope you are doing great!!
Hi, ladies! Plus Dara. Hihi.
Rihanna,
I think what they are suggesting are good. Set a limit or a deadline as to when you will tolerate such. Yes it is wrong to put a deadline on someone but if it is with your case it will be an exception. You cannot wait forever until when he will feel stable about the two of you.
It is hard when you depend your mood based on how he treates you. He has got the upperhand, Rihanna. You cannot tolerate such behavior forever.
If he doesn't like you, then he doesn't like you. No matter what reasons he says and excuses it all boils down to one thing that he is not that into you to be with you.
I think he is playing safe and doing some mind games. Show him that you can play better. I don't mean that you should play mind games too. But be in control. Accept the things you can't change and change what you can. You cannot control him nor his feelings but you can control yours. If tired, direct your sails somewhere.
If you have to ask yourself whether he loves you or not, then maybe he doesn't. Because if he does, he would stand firm on what he says.
Hi a.z, Nice to meet you. My story was published at the start of July when Kevin came back from his leave, I'm not sure the exact date so you probably have to search through the first week of July... But its there somewhere ;-)
So it's almost been a month since me and my ex broke up. We were together for a year and a half and I thought were truly in love. We were always together and never left each other's side. This was the woman I wanted to marry and even though we had our ups and downs. We were always able to work things out. So about a month ago I flipped out for no apparent reason and kicked her out of the apartment we shared because of something that she had said. At the time, I thought that was the best decision I could make. So then when reality finally set in, and she was actually leaving I tried everything to make her stay, but she wasn't having it. So then, she left to go to her dad in California and now I'm left here in Arizona feeling so empty. I've tried everything. I've sent her flowers, told her how I felt, to the point of desperation, but nothing has worked. Just recently, my health has took a turn and so I decided to tell her about it. She was clearly upset to hear it and so I told her to worry about herself. Just recently, she called me and told me that she couldn't handle worrying about herself and myself at the same time, so she said it's probably best that we have no contact whatsoever. So then, she proceeded to block me from Facebook, Instagram, and even as far as blocking my number. I know that she still has feelings for me and I want to be someone who will be there for her at her time of need. But now, I'm just as lost as I ever was before.
I and my girl have been dated for 8 months now.She at times refuses to answer my calls and my texts.She resently denied me off seeing her on her birthday and hang up on me when i tried to tell her how i feel about that.Though she claims she loves me.Should i remain silence and practice this guide?I need your help.
Yes you should.
Kevin,
Would it be fine if I will subscribe to both hit to get ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend back? He he
Guys,
I commented on my previous sad post last time ha ha.
Hey,
I read your post below,i think you are doing the right thing.you are more important than her so keep what you are doing and focus on yourself.you can try the falsefriendship later if you want.
I also posted an update in the forums,i don't want him as friends or boyfriend or anything anymore.i'm moving on and it feels good :D
Best of luck
A. Z.,
Hey, thanks! Moving on will feel better no matter how hard than being stuck on the same page. I'll be checking your post at the forum! ;)
Me and my bf have broke up a few times before and got back together, but this time, it was a mutual agreement breakup , I'm a dancer he's a musician, and in both industry's it's hard to have a partner were 19 been together 2 years, it was literally crazy stupid love. We ended it on mutuals, but now I'm really starting to regret it! I know he will get over me straight away, because he has distractions gigging and busking and I'm on my summer holidays from dancing. I'm going to try this 30 day thing and see how it goes because at the minute I look clingy and obsessed. Eugh any comments?
Hey,
You should follow the plan.it'll increase your chances.
During this time,work on you life and try to improve it.make positive changes in your life and try to be happy,confident ,cool and positive.show that you are having a good time without him .don't stalk him at all and concentrate on yourself.
Also subscribe to Kevin's emails. You'll get an email everyday and that will help with the no contact - that will make it a bit easier for you I hope...
Hi Clo,
Yes do try the 30 days NC. My ex and I are both artists, we fell maaadly in love, then life sucked due to the industry mainly... But you're both still young so keep it up and live your dreams. I think Kevin's method will work for you both so keep your hopes up, NC is bit tricky but you can do it and will be a different person after (in a really good way) so good luck :)
RAED,
man! of all people youre the least i expect t be sad. you encouraged me most of the time and its like youre moving on quite well. your also hooking up with girls already.cheer up man! i dont wamt you to be like that because when i hear form you that you are doing great i also get motivated in my moving on. its wierd that were moving on but we still visit a getyourexback site. this community gave a lot that only us can understand. someimes its better to part ways and you will only realize it on the long run.
Rihanna,
you still active giving help around here. how are you? i honestly think that you guys have a chance but with the right circumstances. i also admire you handling the breakup very maturedly. i cant even see my ex's photos up to now. im somewhat afraid i dont know.
BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE HERE! ENJOY THE COMMUNITY! THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AROUND! EVERY BROKENHEARTED PERSON HAS A FAMILY HERE. THATS ALL I CAN SAY. THANKS TO KEVIN FOR MAKING THIS SITE. :)
Hey Daniel,
I miss you and glad to hear from you. Truth is, I think the message board has made us drift apart. I used to love coming here and hanging out with you and Dara and Festival David, Raed, David, Edward, a.z and many others, and now I've met Sinead here and it's so much easier to talk on this wall because we don't have to search for each other through topics. I'm in the same situation with my ex, we're friends some days closer than others but I'm happy and working towards my goal. But like you I still come on this site because I feel like I have a second family and even better than my real friends cos I'm able to open up here a lot better. I feel sad at times when I come here and don't find 'my group' but glad to hear from you and Raed (from the oldies) and happy to meet Sinead, she's a lovely girl (lol I thought she was a boy until she told me hehehe)... Big Love xx
Daniel,
Hey man! I was nust having some kind of hormonal imbalance. It has been my problem eversince. Sometimes mood spikes up then suddenly I will feel unknowingly depressed. Ha ha. It feels crazy man. We are no longer on talking terms. There are times I consecutively dreamt of her and it ruined my whole mood when I woke up. Like, wtf don't even mess up with my sleeping life aren't you happy messing up with my waking life? Lol. So I prayed really hard for her to get away and stay out of my dreams because I feel violated. And somehow it works. I sometimes check her fb and I don't like seeing her face. I am wishing someday she will have someone else so I can measure if I will still be affected. But anyways, I am no longer in love with her or admire her. I go back to this site because it feels home. Thank you, man. I am glad you are moving on. We can do this! Keep us updated! :-)
Rihanna,
Lol. I was thinking who Sinead is. I thought you met a new love online.
Hi Guya and Gals,
Good to see you all again, I have been on the baords though so tbh This is first time in about 2 weeks Ive checked the comments section as I didnt think people were still posting here :)
I know a.z is on the baords too and I also my own update, It would be good to see you all in there too :)
Great to hear how well your doing rihanna :D
x
Hi Rihanna
Fist time I've checked the comments section for a while and didn't realise people were still using this. I have started a thread in the No Contact section of the forums called "the NC anonymous thread". Its for those who are active users (Both new and old) to share regular updates on how they are going. Both the struggles and good things happening in your life. I know both a.z. and Dara have contributed along with some new faces. You, Daniel and Raed should check it out. Its a good group thread for us all :)
Hey guys,
Its really good to see you all again and i missed us talking like this.
You guys should check out the board sometimes :D
And FYI i'm also moving on :D and i posted an update there.
I really love this site and it really feels like we are all family,we should talk to each other more often.
Best of luck old friends.
Dear friends,
I like the board because I get emails there. TBH, I have not been here on the main site for a week at least! Maybe we old members could create a thread only for us, just like Steve did.
It has always been fun talking to you! I like this site more than Facebook! I can't post on Facebook my problems! Everyone should be happy over there!! ha ha ha ha...
I'm glad that you guys have been around me!
Love you all!!!
Hey Steve, omg I miss you too lol...
Well, I have responded to a few posts on the board but I was searching through the topics, I miss the sense of community here like we are talking now... So I do go on the board but I prefer here that's all... I'm sure that'll change once I get used to it. Lol, looks like i'll be here for a while haha :P
awww love you Dara, I'm on the boards too and I do comment on others posts but I miss my group, like all of us here, now I feel much better hearing from you (Dara, David, Festival David, a.z, Edward, Steve, Raed, Daniel) and now Sinead...etc.. maybe we should have a forum just for us LOL :P
Hi Rihanna!
I am too busy lately and skip most of the stories. Moreover, my psychological phase is changing and I can't empathize with everyone so easily. Plus, I don't stories to see what went wrong in my own. I don't care much about it anymore! However, since I still how one feels during/after the breakup, I randomly comment on a few posts on Kevin's forum.
I had a suggestion which would be compliant to Kevin's policy on his site and forum. My suggestion was that we could create one single thread only for our own group so that we could update each other with what is happening. I liked Steve's because it did not say something like "Steve's stoty". I am sure that we (you, a.z., Steve, Festival David,even Daniel, Edward and RAED) still read each others updates!
Yeah! The "culture" is a bit different in that forum. I also agree with you. Since its the forum but not the wall, more people write over there and things get lost! But I liked the idea that I would get notifications on my email so that I did not need to refresh this wall.
By the way, who is Sinead? Maybe I should search for this person's story! LOL
Sinead,
Nice meeting you! Rihanna's friends on this site are my friends too! Best of luck!
Thanks Dara! You're very sweet ;-)
Hey Dara,
thank you for your advice, it's always good to hear from you :) ... I feel the same it's hard to show empathy especially when one is feeling low... I hate that we live in different states but I am moving back to the big city at the start of the year (for my own sake not for him, never move for just a guy). Anyway, I know he has feelings for me but he makes his own decisions without taking my advice cos he thinks it's best for me... that's crap! Anyway, I'm not going to text him anymore since I'm the one who texted him last and I shouldn't have texted him the 'something reminds me of you text' yesterday I feel crap about that also... I would love to take a.z's advice as well but how can I now? I'd have to be in contact with him in order to do the video chat and all the things she recommended (thank you a.z :) ) So I come to this wall to vent out and talk instead of obsessing to him cos i'm just confused about what happened not really obsessing over his love, that phase has passed with time (sadly)
Anyway, Sinead is a great girl. When I spoke with her first I thought she was a guy cos her name rhymes with Sindibad lol... she's also helped me and given me straight advice from RR.
I really wish we could all be FB friends but I guess everyone here is hiding their true identity as a shield to be able to open up like we do ... would be sad to lose this friendship though ... All my love to everyone :)
Hi Kevin,
First of all, your guide and e-mails really helped me, thank you.
After 45-50 days of NC I contacted my ex a week ago (he's a stubborn one). He replied with that he was speechless that I contacted him and he wanted to contact me but he was a bit scared of how I would react if he would. He wanted to send me flowers some day (if I didn't contacted him). But yea, that's what he says now :)..
He said a multiple times that he tought about me almost every day and how I was doing and that, if I didn't noticed it the last day we met, I had him 'super in love' and that the break-up was one of this 'toughest decisions' in life. He said that he can't turn all his emotions off and that he thinks more with his brains now than with his heart. He doesn't want to have such a hard time (break-up) again if we ever get back together.
Today I asked what his point was with that message (what I wrote above). Well.. he said something what I actually didn't expected:
"Basically, don't get your hopes up, that's what I meant. I'm happy that we can talk with eachother and laugh and such, but nothing more, I've not been in a 'emotional rollercoaster' like "let's try it again" since we are talking again."
Why would he say something like this when he said 2 days ago something like "I think about you almost every day (multiple times), you had me so in love, if we ever get back together."
I don't know what I should think now.. I'm really confused and the little hope I had.. is actually shattered now. I didn't respond to his text yet. I hope you or the other visiters on this page can help me out.
Oh, and sorry for my bad english, it's not my native language.
Love,
Zahra
Hi Zahra,
I think you should subscribe to Kevin's emails because there's one that addresses your ex going hot / cold. I posted the email below for Rihanna, if you want to take scroll down and take a look?
Hi Sinead,
Thanks for replying! I subscribed to Kevin's email series a month ago and it helped and motivated me :). I readed your posts to Rihanna and I also found the hot-cold email you posted from the series.
I actually don't know how to react to him.. I reacted to his message with "Okay, I got your point" and then he said "Can you find yourself in what I said? I mean, you know my personality, I'm social and nice to people, I don't want you to think that I'm acting with a 'he wants me back' behaviour or something. I don't want to give you false hope and that's why I'm this open with you".
I said "a bit", then he asked "no hard feelings?". I replied with "why?". Then he said "just asking".
Lol, I don't know what I should think now, this guy is weird and gives me headache. I didn't replied yet. But he wouldn't ask that question out of nowhere, would he?
I think you're doing really well Zahra. Just try to stay strong, let him contact you and continue to be cool and breezy. Initiate a false friendship by being happy and positive when he texts you and tell him about new and exciting things that are happening in your life. This should make him start wanting you back...
Thank you Sinead. Those words encourage me to not give up. After the last conversation (August 4) I didn't spoke to him. I'm waiting until he texts me first now. But I doubt it will happen.. Or should I take the first step a few times?
After he said "just asking" I told him that I'm not angry or upset with what he said, because he told me the same 2 months ago, and it was clear to me. He told me that he wanted to be sure of it, because exes expect more than a random check-up when they contact. He said that he's really happy that we talk to each other again, because he was always thinking how I was and it made his head hurt (lol, good). He didn't wanted to contact because he thought that I would go on the 'emotional rollercoaster'-ride. Then I said:
"Lol, yes, maybe. But you know, are you thinking that I'll still fight for someone that doesn't want me? It costs too much pain and energy, that's why I stopped myself. Oh, and when I spoke to you, you could think "why is she talking to me.." "
He answered with that he wasn't thinking like that, but that my last words (1,5 month ago) were so emotional and that it would be selfish of him if he talked to me if I still were in such a pain.
The last thing I said (that's related to this serious convo..) was that I'm not as cold as ice right now. But I'm not doing anything with it and, what I already said, I won't fight for someone who doesn't want to fight/wouldn't do the same for me. And where there isn't any hope, there isn't any pain. I let it go. He replied with: "Hmmm. I agree with you."
So... yea, that's the last convo I had with him. And I actually meant what I said, I don't want to fight so hard for someone who doesn't want to fight for me.. Even if I still love him. Should I become closer with him, sort of 'friends' and see how it will end or just end it right here? Or should I do NC out of nowhere again (because he said he was worried and thinking of me every day how I was doing)?
Sorry for the long post and all my questions. I hope you can give me some advice. Any help is good! Thanks in advance.
-- And Sinead, how's your situation right now?
Hi Zahra,
I think only you can decide wheather to move on or try to make it work... If you really want to move on I would suggest NC indefinitely but if you still think you want him back you could leave it for a few days - even a week - and then text him the 'something reminded me of you' text from above.
To engage him in a false friendship you should not talk about the breakup at all, but be cheerful and happy when talking with him and tell him about something new and exciting in your life, a new hobby or new friends for example. Then wait and see if he initiates contact with you after that...
Thanks for your advice Sinead. Yes, I still want him back.. and today, out of nowhere, he said something about my display picture (which I changed today) from Whats App (I guess the 'not-talking-method-and-waiting-until-he-replies' works for me). He said "That's a very cute smile miss". I won't expect much from this text, but it is something, right? At least he took the effort to click on my picture and comment on it.
Hi Zahra,
Yes him commenting on your picture is good. Stay cool and develop a false friendship with him, don't talk about the break-up or anything intimate, just act like an acquaintance and let him come to you...
Well, something happened yesterday.
He said today (after replying to something I said yesterday and 1h after that reply):
"I was just wondering, like when I'm in your hometown, would you like to meet up, hang out..... like idk."
I said I'm okay with it because we don't hate each other or something. He said he's wondering how I am now.. (for the 100 x he's saying this like.. okay?).
And he said "I can't lie, since the day you contacted me I was only thinking how you have been and the time we were together, I started reminiscing".
I asked him if the reminders were good or just things that he didn't wanted to think about. He responded with "both". He said that we had fun and good times together, but it's the break up that he doesn't understand and he doesn't know why we had to.. That it wasn't something like "they lived happily ever after". After some texts he called me.. he was in the car and was going to somewhere. It was super random. But we talked normal and we laughed. He asked me twice and specifically (again..) how my life is and what I am doing now, what I did all the time and if my parents ever asked about him after the break up.
Today he texted me a lot. Later he asked me if he could give me a call, but I responded with that I was in the car and that he could call me later if he would. When I was home (I told him when I was driving back at home) he called again but I was in the shower. After 5-10 minutes he called me again and we talked over 1 hour (it was.. 1:30 am or something?). He was in the car, driving back at home.
Well, it's possible that he called me because it was ' easier' because he was driving, but.. he could just wait 5-10 minutes until he was home and text me again.. Did he wanted to hear my voice/talking with me in a more personal way? I don't want to get ' all my hopes up' like he said, but it looks like he's after me.. or he's just being nice, and likes to talk with me and wanted being friends really bad.
Greets!
Hey Kevin,
dude ur steps are to difficult to follow. I had a four years relationship with my cousin girlfriend.now when she started going to university she started changing. She use to give me less time selfies with a male friend. She like completely ignored my love.however due to some reason we broke up 2 months ago. I was totally broken yet my sister convinced her to talk to me because I was in complete depression.she talks to me but it's like she don't want to. What should I do Kevin please help me out and reply asap. I love her and want her back
Hi Rayan,
I'm sorry you feel so bad... I know what its like. You need to follow the steps and start with no contact for a month. Use the month to find yourself, meet / make friends and do things you enjoy. You'll become a stronger person for yourself and a more attractive person to her.
Hi Rayan,
I'm sorry for your sadness.. I was there too, when my ex broke up with me I was a totally miserable girl. I didn't want to do anything and all I wanted was sleeping and, actually, when I woke up I was sad that I woke up that day. I was so in love with him, he really had me and I knew that I really had him, that's what I can understand from his messages, even now.. and even he says that he doesn't want a relationship with me..
I think the No Contact rule (NC) would give you both some rest and time to think about everything, what you want. You can both work on yourselves and, what Sinead said, you'll become a stronger and a more attractive person.
Because of NC I found some rest and peace in myself. I meditated and went to the gym more often. I started to do new things and tried to meet my friends and new people as much I could. I tried to make fun and find the happiness in life again. I tried to see myself as the #1 priority again, and it helped me a lot. I also thought about what went wrong in my relationship and what I should change if we ever get back together.
Now, I have my emotions under control. Well, yea, sometimes I'm sad about how it all went, but I'm not that miserable person anymore. Because of NC I saw which people are there for me, no matter what.. After 45-50 days I contacted him and it went okay (read my story @boards or somewhere below).
I wish you the best. Let us know how it went! Oh, and stick to the NC if you're in it. Don't break it or you have to start all over again.
Hello guys. Quick update I reckon my partner wants me back. We broke up 4 months ago. And he was cold at first. Not texting me. Telling me to find Mr right. Anyway I've done the no contact and few thank god that's over with lol. Well my ex text me last week saying he never wanted this us being apart. And he hates being away from his children. We been texting each other for a bit and it's all good. Nothing personal. Hes been putting kisses on the ending of every text and calling me luv. He never once called me that when we split up. So I think he's missing us all. He goes on holiday tomorrow with his mum for 2 weeks. He said he doesn't want to go as it's not a good time for him???. He said he will bring me back something very special and he promised. So iam not going to bug him while he's away. Want him to have time to himself. So fingers crossed :-D xx
Hi Kevin and everyone, (this is about the forum)
I just want to share my opinion about this site. When I first came here I felt like I was part of a community and made good friends who comforted me and that we could all share and comment on stories because everything appeared on this wall. Although at times it became confusing with having to find past comments by dragging the page up and down but the sense of togetherness on this wall (to me) feels a lot closer than to the forums after some of us agreed that the forum would be a better option. But with the forum everything seems secluded and often we have to click on the subject purposely to read other people's stories and point of view. I liked coming here and chatting to friends who just seemed to be passing by this site at times and that's what I found likeable about this site to other forums. Since the forum was made I've lost touch with those whom I spoke with often here because unless I search for them through the forum I won't find them and even then... Is anyone feeling the same way or do you guys like having the forum?
by forum I mean the message board
I agree Rihanna, I also find the boards cumbersome. Maybe a button to 'show' and 'hide' the message's thread here, on this part of the site, would be beneficial as you could scroll down / up quicker?
Hello Sinead,
Yes I agree that's a great idea with the button to show the thread on here :)
Also I want to thank you soooooooooo much for the reply on 'switch' and what to do with drift I found the information which you pasted below to be helpful so thank you so much for taking your time to help me out. I really appreciate it. We don't live in the same city though I'm saving as much as I can to go back to the big city by the new year (fingers crossed) and hopefully I can reside there when I find work (I pray to god my plan goes accordingly) and i'm not doing that for him but for myself which is good. However, it's great that he's there too and he said he'll keep an eye on me so at least I have someone's support, even as a friend. But for now I can't do much face-to-face communication with switch cos we're long distance now.
What about you? How did you go in writing that letter to him? Did you follow the points and keep it short and sweet? Let me know of your progress and stay positive, it's all good and things will happen slowly :)
Hi Rihanna,
I'm glad it helped. I didn't realize pasting the RR was copyright and it's been removed now, so sorry about that...
Yes, I forgot you were in a different city. What about a skype meeting instead of face to face? Or do you do that already? I know it's not ideal but it may help keep things moving along somewhat?
Thanks for your help on the letter :-) I kept the it to 1 page and I used the RR letter as a template, then infused your points into it to personalize it. I'm very happy with how it came out. I feel like I've brought back some civility to our situation and clawed back some self respect too (not needy and clingy anymore :-) ).
I sent the letter by fb pm yesterday morning and it isn't marked as 'seen' yet but I think he can mark it as unread so the 'seen' notification won't show anyway. It's his birthday tomorrow so he will check fb at some stage this week to see his birthday messages so I know he'll see it then anyway!
That's a good idea. I'll see if it's possible.
About the forums, I understand that it might be a little harder to find topics. But once you get used to it, it'll be even better. Other users are finding it more useful and more organized than these comments section. Is there anything I can do to make it more appealing?
Did you guys know that you can mark topics as "favorites" or "subscribe" to them? Perhaps, this can help you keep track of things.
Perhaps I can add a function which will enable you to distinguish between topics that you have already read vs. the ones you haven't read yet?
The reason I am so keen on making the forums work is because it makes the moderation of this website much easier to handle. And it's much easier for people to find their questions and the answers to them.
Rihanna,
I agree with you. The first time I encountered the forum I got excited so I took a visit. But I got confused because I can see some posts are left unnoticed unlike here. I find it easier here.
I agree with Sinead's suggestion on the 'show/hide' on this wall. And search button to find the latest from friends. It might make this wall less cluttered. But I hope if that happens the newbies won't be ignored just because they haven't establish friends yet.
Kevin,
Thank you for making this site better. We appreciate the effort.
Or would it be a lot of hard work if we can just have an account on this site? Since we provide our name and email add to be able to post here.
I was just thinking if we can log in and if someone's commented on our post we can have notifications so it'll be easier to track. Then the news feed is what appears on this wall ha ha.
But I guess that will be so much hardwork :( so maybe, whatever we have now is fine. It's better than having nothing at all :P
Hi Everyone, No question this time just an update... I've sent the letter buy private message on FB... God I'm a bag of nerves now, what's he going to think when he read's it? Will he even respond? I'm so nervous!
Hey Sinead :)
First, Congratulations on completing the hardest part which is NC and writing the letter. He won't respond immediately cos he knows better not to, he too doesn't want to appear desperate to hear from you lol ... So, just give him a couple of weeks to respond and if he doesn't by then, then you can send him 'something remind of you text'. But for now there's really nothing for you to do, the ball is in his court. Good luck
Hey Kevin,
I read your article a little after my ex and I started talking again. I broke things off with him and asked him to move out. We shared a condo and two dogs and a lot of memories so it was really hard not to contact him. I was doing really well but he kept texting me and calling me when he was drunk and sober, and he would tell me that he missed me even though he had been seeing someone else.
He kept asking to come see the dogs even though he’d seen them for days in a row. We finally talked things out and he asked me to be his girlfriend again and even said he wanted me to be his wife. Everything was fine and going back to normal until I found out he hadn’t told that girl which upset me, and he started to doubt things, perhaps seeing my insecurity.
I assured him that I was not insecure but in a valid relationship he should respect the woman that he is with enough to only be talking to her or have pictures of her on his phone. He went from calling me babe and telling me he loved me over the weekend to asking to “take it slow” on Wednesday.
He was insistent that he isn’t talking to other girls, and that he just wants to take time for himself and wants to hangout and take me on dates but he has been super distant, barely texting and if so hours later and no real communication at all.
I’m wondering if I should start the NC now, or wait this out and see if he comes back around. I just don’t want to get my heart broken all over again.
Kevin, please don't approve my comments if my photo shows up. I'm trying another email. I'll be devastated if anyone reads it and recognizes me. Thank you!,
I didn't. If you want to ask a question, please post it in the forums.
Hi everyone.
I have been busy lately. I am trying to be productive but still having unsatisfactory results so i'm somehow depressed. The broken heart adds more to the burden.
It's been 3months since the breakup and we havent talk for a month. She stopped initiating contact maybe because she feels that she is the one initiating. I think of her at times but she was the one who broke up with me so i hope she isn't expecting me to run after her.
It feels good that we aren't in contact because at least I wouldn't be guilty if I igbore her. But at times it feels sad. Is this a real sign of moving on on both parties?
I don't know if she will never contact me anymore or she's just waiting for me. But I no longer want her. At times when I just feel sad, I feel sadder because of what happened. I don't know, I hope this is just temporary but it has been weeks since I miss her.
Hey Raed,
I miss you and glad to hear from you though I hoped your message was bit happier. I think there's an 'ego' game going between you two. Perhaps, you two should agree on being good friends so that when one party misses the other it's ok to pick up the phone and call for a casual chat without any expectations because there's no relationship. Perhaps do pick up the phone and call her since she's the one always initiating contact (until she stopped). I'm like her, as of yesterday I've decided to abate my contacts because I feel he only calls me when I contact first. Sometimes he did contact. But if you no longer want her as a girlfriend you can still be friends if you miss her, and if you're just friends you shouldn't care about who contacts who first just treat the situation with ease and it will become less complicated. There's no rule to say it's not ok to call or text a friend whom you miss...
Rihanna,
Hi. I miss you too! It's been a long time. Ha ha. I'm sorry the weather affects me much especially it is cuddle season. Oh I am so gay! Ha ha
I am still bitter from the breakup so I don't want to be friends with her yet. And I don't know if I am still looking forward to being just friends again. Yes, you are right that it is ego. But somehow it is a big help because it reminds me of the kind of love I deserve. I am an all-or-nothing guy. If I can't have it all then I don't want any of it. Applies to if she doesn't want me as a partner then I wouldn't settle for anything less.
And I am not cool with us being friends again because I don't want to do false friendship because I haven't fully moved on. The breakup had taught me to learn to say NO to things/situations/setup that makes me feel uncomfortable.
But thank you. Having you as friends is more than enough than trying to befriending her :-D
Hey Raed,
I'm glad you're moving on and I'm like you, I've been in a down mood lately and I think it's because of the weather, too cold where I'm at lol... I hope it's the weather!
You'll do great and yes, the world IS your oyster, you're young, smart, healthy go conquer! I'm sick sick sick of our exes treating us like this so I don't care anymore :( Your help and advice to me were and still are much appreciated, you've been a great friend to everyone so if your ex is too blind to see what a wonderful guy you are then it's her loss! Go live and be happy :D
Raed,
Long time! been also busy lately and not much time to visit here. It.s been 5mos since we broke up and i still feel sad at times. It's part of moving on. i still think of her alot but the difference is the hurt is no longer there. Just keep on living and i mean being very alive. In time it will all pass. especially if you found a new girl but hey dont rush. its okay to be single for now. youre doing good id say. your on hte right track. best of luck buddy! i hope you be happy soon!
Daniel,
Hey buddy! Remember the first time we went here acting so desperately dying for Kevin's advice? I never thought we could make it this far! Ha ha. It is not that far but still this is progress. I guess it is normal for us to think of them at times and get a bit sad but the icebreaker here is that we are no longer in pain. Or maybe sometimes we are but not the kind of pain that makes us wanna die right away.
I am happy for us buddy. As Rihanna said, the world is our oyster. Never have I been so passionate about having my 'me' time when we are still together. But now, I value it the most and it feels good that I don't have someone to keep pleasing. Ha ha! Cheers, bud!
months ago. He chased me the fist two weeks, asked me back and then on the 5th week I contacted him. We had a sad date in which he showed me photos of our good times and personal touch (holding my hand, hugging, stroked my back, etc) he was emotional and continued to contact me that same night and the next morning. He said: He loves me deeply, loves me so much,etc. Two days latr we had an IM fight over the whole relationship, this happened because an ex fling started saing things about how "unhealthy" our relationship was. He defended me but I let go of all my anger. He still reassured me and even sent me a message of a so g at 3am while on a trip. He asked me to reach out because "I just want to talk to you", I started doing it and suddenly he takes anywhere from 6-24 hours to answer. I know he's dating several women, and our convos are usually about our relationship, like he's trying to say "I love you" and "I miss you" but stops there. I think all hope is lost, he was so eager for me to reach out, and I think rehashing the relationship on text was terrible, even though he seemed sweet at the end. How can he stop after the I love you and I miss you? "I'm growing at the moment", "I'm trying to figure out our relationship" how should I approach this? I'm desperate, and I might be messing things up. Did i turn into a text gnat, even though it seemed mutual?
Oops! Sorry everyone, the first couple of lines didn't show: I said "Hello everyone- I think I might have lost my best opportunity to get my ex back. We dated a couple of years ago for a couple months, and reunited a year later last Sep. We had a great relationship, e en though I was flighty due to his continued flirting with other women -issue he resolved. ...
Hi Kevin and everyone,
I received a weird message from my ex this morning. I opened up to him yesterday and he was wonderful being supportive and positive about the future. He's been warm and loving and sends me hints he wants me in his life etc... and then this morning I get a text saying: 'I had lots of panic attacks yesterday I'm going to see a doctor. I want you to be stronger and move on with your life. If you decide to come to the city I'll always keep an eye on you you'll always have me as a friend". Is this message a break up within the breakup? He dedicated a love song for me a week ago and was acting more than a friend so I'm really upset now. I sent him back a text saying if he needs anything I'm here for him, we're friends for life :) ... But i'm confused can anyone help me here? What do I do with a guy that keeps changing? I have a feeling on his good day again he'll be warm and loving again but how do I move on from this to being together again? I'm giving it til the end of the year and that's plenty of time. Did he say move on because of his panic attacks?
Hi Rihanna,
I think when he said ‘‘I had lots of panic attacks yesterday I’m going to see a doctor. I want you to be stronger and move on with your life’ because he really does care about you. It sounds to me like he is in a bad place and he doesn’t want to drag you down too...
In RR it says when in drift ‘you want to appear to be constantly moving forward without them in the picture’ so maybe you could pretend you are stronger and moving on with your life as he suggests?
Thank you Sinead, that's good advice there and I will follow it. He's constantly asking me if I have someone lol and I keep saying 'I'm not interested in a relationship I want to concentrate on myself ' something he says to me all the time, do you think I should tell him I met someone even if I haven't? What would RR suggest as a good example to "moving on"...? Thank you Sinead :)
Hi Rihanna,
I don't think you should say you have met someone when you haven't, maybe you could mention a new group of friends you are hanging out with or something? A mixture of men and women... That way you would have 'new' fun experiences with your 'new friends' to tell him about?
I think you're in Switch now, so you're moving through the stages! Go you! There's quite a bit in RR about switch so I'll copy and paste it for you below this post ok?
Hi Rihanna,
This is some of what RR said about Switch:-
[Removed since RR is not my product and it's against their copyright policy to copy their content and post on a public forum. Sorry -Kevin]
Hi Rihanna,
Sorry about all the posts today but I just opened Kevin's email for today and it deals with your ex acting hot and cold. Here it is, I hope its of help:-
It's common. More common that you and I may think.
Sometimes, your ex is all sweet to you and the next
minute, as it seems without any reasons, they are
cold and harsh to you. Trying to pick a fight with
you, even though you didn't do anything.
It's like a switch in their mind which gets turned
on and off without their control.
Why does it happen? When my ex did this, I thought
that was just how she was. CRAZY. I thought maybe
it was just a personality defect she had.
But I was wrong.
I realized it's a common thing. Especially after a
breakup.
He is confused. He likes you, he wants to be with
you, he also wants to stick to his decision of breakup.
It could also be that he has feelings for someone else.
And he is just too confused in his mind to figure it
out himself.
What can you do about it?
Well, trying to ask him if something is bothering
him while he is angry with you, is just going to
lead to a fight.
So first of all, if he is cold, being harsh, and/or
trying to pick a fight with you, don't bring up any topic.
All you can do is just don't fight back. Even though,
every nerve cell in your body wants to scream back at
him, control yourself.
Why?
Because something is bothering him. He wants to solve it.
And if he can't, he would want to share it with someone.
In all probability, he would want to share it with you.
A good relationship is where you can share everything
with your partner. But remember, you are not in a relationship
with him right now. And even if you are, the relationship is
not strong enough yet because he is acting this way.
So, to be fair, you have no right to know what's bothering him,
Or why he is confused.
If you fight back, or act crazy when he is cold, you
will only confirm his belief that you are not the
right person to share himself with.
But if you stay calm about the whole thing, he will
start thinking differently.
Let it be his decision to share his feelings with
you and not yours.
The more questions you ask, the less he will want
to answer them.
Just concentrate on having a good time with him.
Give him some time and he will either figure it
out himself, or he will share everything with
you. Whatever happens, always be cool. And remember,
if he can't figure it out, and doesn't want you
to help him, there are always endless opportunities
out there to find love and happiness.
-Kevin "Not so cold" Thompson
Thank you so much Sinead, you're a great friend :)
Just read this and I'm willing start this. My ex broke off with me when I got drunk one day and became insecure and had looked through her phone and approached her in a negative way about a guy that was messaging her. She was upset but did admit that it was a guy that used to like her and she just responds but doesn't initiate. Still, she felt like her privacy was violated and couldn't be in a relationship. I never did anything like that before but it makes no difference whether I was drunk it not, I still made a mistake.
We were also in the middle of working things out because our relationship was slowing down due to our slight distance and busy schedules. Ideally she wished I was more affectionate and spent more time and was starting to lose feelings as she fell out of love.
She still tells me she cares about me deeply and wishes that I still consider a best friend to contact in any reason, but I can't see myself so that unless I'm with her.
The first 2-3 days after break up I was still texting (yes being desperate) and apologizing for my actions while semi-acknowledging her stance and decision and at the very least things became civil but remained broken up. It was only a few days after but Shes happy that I told her I've accepted things and wanted to be positive and move forward as she did herself. Still, I think about her and the the last thing I did on the 3rd day after breakup was call her and have a happy conversation. She wasn't upset anymore and also understood she may have done things that made me insecure but still felt right about not moving forward in the relationship.
At one point in our relationship we both felt this would become something real and long term, possibly marriage. But it started to erode as we got busier and her great amount of affection for me wasn't being returned in her eyes. I felt bad but I always loved her and it's just that I'm not as spunky/outgoing as her, I've ways been more the introverted type and her, the extrovert.
She did breakup/consider it twice before but only because she felt I wasn't there enough and maybe a few arguments jaded her ( but they weren't as bad ones I had with past ex's, she's just a bit more sensitive and affected by really bad past relationships). The third time was due to me snooping while I was drunk and upset the relationship because the second time she was proposing a breakup was only a week prior. The first time was a total breakup but we got together few days after it when I met with her and explained to her we can make things work.
Based on this I'm not sure how long my no contact period should be.
Some things I'm doing now is work, waiting to hear from new job, boxing, running morning and after work or sometimes both, and side projects and reaching out to close family and friends. But still, there are moments in the day where I'm still shackled by the situation and immensely stressed/depressed.
I've also accepted the fact that in this period of NC that i realize that maybe I'm better off not with her romantically and could be okay with that too if my mind ends up taking that turn since there were a few things I always thought we thought differently about that would be a factor in a long term relationship.
If you can provide a little more detail on how to fine tune the steps to my situation that would be awesome and I would appreciate it a whole lot!
hi everyone
although my comments never approved i want to share my story.
first thanks to Kevin for all the helps. but i think if my comments were approved and i could get guidance or even i could read all emails at the first i could be more successful in wining back my ex.
i am 29 and my ex is 26. we are from middle east. we met each other 5 years ago. she was from another city going to university in mine. tough i was going to capital to studying my MS degree she accepted to be my gf. it made our relationship long-distance from the start. but i kept coming back a lot to see her. she completely fell in love with me and i ignored her feelings several times. after one year she started to ask me to marry her and i kept ignoring her love. time passed and we kept our relationship with a daily fight but when we saw each other we never fought it was just because of the distant i think.
she and her family came to usa and she came back for me 2 times and i kept declining her for marriage. but the last time i promised her next time she come i am ready to share my life with her. she was unhappy and i could see in her eyes when she left but she changed after that. when i proposed her she acted like she was waiting just to hear it and then she started to take revenge on me. she ignored me and i just found out what i did to her for a long time. i started to study to get a chance to be admitted in an american university to just come to visit her and i succeeded. she was very distant before but we promised to be each other's. after i took a ticket to her city in usa she started to acting weird, she said the damage is already done and she didn't want to see me but she got hot and cold. one minute she said she likes another guy and then she said she was lying. one month before seeing her in usa i took the flight i read this site and five step plan. suddenly i stopped texting her and she unblocked me on facebook after a few days. after 14 days i gave her the magic letter.
she didn't respond and i kept my NC. after 18 days she started to put annoying pictures of her in FB showing she is happy and having fun. i didn't respond still. then she unfriended my brother and sister and i couldn't keep my NC anymore then i asked her to be friend with me and i noticed her that i am coming to visit her and she said she could come to pick me up from the airport. i asked her out the night i arrive and she agreed. when i saw her she was smiling and we hugged. i did some dirty touch on her and she was somehow willing but when we got at hotel she declined to sleep with me. she kept visiting me for 5 days and then she said she likes another guy. she said she is in a relationship and its been over a month. i did really broke. it was devastating to hear that. i begged her again and broke the rules like i was not in this world. she said the problem is me and my past not the other guy. even she said she doesn't love her even but she likes her. she said she loves me but not the way she did before. i acted clingy and needy and pushed her even further until she said she was lying that she doesn't like the other guy. she said she couldn't say that in my face and because of that she lied. i asked her to be friends and said she can unblocked me when she is ready. i took my expensive present back and asked for my money back that i lend her before and she said she cannot pay that now. then i left to my university which is in another city and just texted her my bank account so she could give back my money not even a "hey". she unblocked me on Facebook but i didn't request her to be friend although when i was leaving i texted that i like her as friend and we can be that way.
i am not sure that her relationship is a rebound because although i am a nice an handsome guy and have a high education (phd student) and have enough money for a good life she said the guy was a fashion model once and he is a doctor now that he is done with PhD. i think she just wanted to revenge my prior actions and declining her request to be with her she kept to tell me i was doing a big mistake to not marry her before. last time no remorse was in her face when she said she slept with the guy, she was happy to see me broke and lost. she left me in that disgusting hotel for 5 days to rot. at first she lend me her car but after 5 days she just turned. she said she doesn't want to see me again and forced me to leave her city. i know there is no hope for me. i am just trying to get over her ... she is not even that perfect but she got somehow sweet in my mind because of the long time we spend with each other. now i am totally lost. i do not know what to do... i ignored kevin's rules. it was wrong to go to visit her i should stayed away from her until she come back to me she was acting immature and i knew she still loved me but now .. i just made her decision even firmer than before...
i am trying to move on and it is sad.
Hey Sam,
I am sorry your comments were not approved. I think it was because you didn't follow the guidelines. I am sorry it didn't work out. But if you are trying to move on, I'll recommend you implement complete no contact indefinitely.
Thank you Kevin for the reply. Sorry i am asking questions here. Do you think i still have chance? She unblocked me on facebook 2 day after I left her. Do you think it means something? She was once madly fond our love, she even commited a suicide because I said I am not sure she is the one for me. I think she is still not over me. Do you think her new guy is a Rebound considering jumping from our relationship to a new one and not giving herself time to regain confidence?
Sam
hi Kevin and everyone
I am thinking more clearly now after one week of my second NC. I am going to move on and as a matter of fact I do not love her anymore. My decision is firm so i don't think I will be in this website anymore. Thanks to Kevin for the website and everything. I am still reading your emails to be better in my next relationship.
Sam
Hi.. may I just ask... how long will it take for her to move on? I mean she has missed me for the past 2 weeks already and I have been contacting her again almost everyday for the past week (after finishing the NC period) ... how long in time will she just forget about me and move on after that?
hey,
You can never say how long it'll take to move on for sure.
It really depends on so many things like how long you have been together,the reason you broke up,the person's personality,the person's environment....
I think you shouldn't be too available for her.keep the conversations cool and short.
don't be the one who always initiates contact.let her chase you sometimes.
And i personally couldn't move on as long as we were in touch.and he never contacted me everyday for a long time.and i was always wondering what he was doing cuz he wasn't always too available.and i believe that was the best way.
Hey a.z,
You're so right about not being able to move on as long as you stay in touch. We stay in touch all the time and I just texted him about something bit personal and he was happy that I opened up to him and he called me immediately after receiving my message. He's warm and sweet but tells me he's not interested in any relationship, he wants to concentrate on himself and his future but he'll always be there for me no matter what. What does that mean? He asked me if I have moved on or will move on and I didn't answer because I don't know. I know he loves me and misses me but he hurt me by saying forget everything that's happened in the past, he advised me to concentrate on myself and take him out of the picture. Does that mean it's over for good between us? I was doing great until these last couple of days I've been missing him lots :(
hey Rihanna,
I'm really sorry .i'm dealing with the same situation,my ex also said that he loves me and he doesn't want me out of his life he also said he is not interested in any relationship and when i said we both needed to move on,he asked for a chance to meet me.and again i'm sure he is not asking me to get back together.
I really don't know what will happen in the future,I do believe your ex loves you.but i think we can't wait for them like forever.i personally can't handle not being in a relationship with him and have him as a friend or whatever in my life.it really hurts me.so i decided to meet him for the last time and if he says nothing about getting back,i'll tell him that we should move on for good.
I don't think if thats over between you.but you need some time.and i guess he also needs that time.maybe he will change his mind once he finds out that you are moving on.
If you can handle being friends with him during this time,then continue it.i'm sure you do have a chance to get him back when he is in a better life situation .
That depends from person to person and relationship to relationship. But if you are talking to her and you are moving forward with her, then chances are she will not move on.
Hello Kevin and everyone else,
I am at a complete lost kinda!?! I broke the NC rule yesterday after two weeks and I was doing SOOOOOOO GOOD! but it's because I was out having a good time last night and then I see that my ex posted a kissing picture with the new guy she is dating.
Ugh! I wish I could have controlled my emotions and not cared but I went and immediately texted her (of course she didn't respond) but now I'm at a point of "do I really want this person back?" It is so unlike her to do that. I don't know I feel in a weird mood about it, I just am thinking maybe this is gonna be one of those cases where you just can't get your ex back. It's sad
Can you give me any advice?
Thank you,
Jose
Jose,
One thing I'm learning to do is not react.... Don't do the things they would expect you to do.... She posts a kissing pic with some dude, in her head shes expecting you to call after a move like that. YOU surprise her by not doing so... It'll make her start wondering why the hell didn't you call.
I agree with what joe said.
I agree with you dude, I felt stupid after texting. I know better now
Thank you
Kevin,
I want to say THANK YOU sincerely for the email series. I broke up with my ex back in February. Regretted my decision and tried to get her back in April and that was a disaster. I made so many mistakes you counsel against and all I accomplished was hurting myself by subjecting myself to her mood swings and confusion. I stopped contacting her over a month ago when I discovered your site and the emails helped me so much. At first I did not contact her because I was SO worried that I would just push her away. Now I dont contact her because I realize that I broke up with her for good reasons and I know that I will only cause myself more pain if I do contact her. She told me enough hateful things that I know she will never contact me again....and now I realize that tells me everything I need to know about the wisdom of trying to be with her.
So I did not succeed in getting my ex back but I feel better than I did before and I am starting to realize that my life will be better again and that I can attract another woman and find love in the future....I no longer feel hopeless.
Your advice is excellent. I wish I had found your advice and followed it sooner. Instead, all I did was extend the time I need to recover from the lost love. Sometimes I wish it could have worked out with my ex but I realize that no matter what....my focus has to be on my happiness and emotional health.
Obsessing over her made me miserable and I became someone I was not proud of and could not recognize when I was chasing her....I was never like that before and dont ever want to be like that again.
I appreciate the effort you put in here....having your emails and site was like having another best friend for me to lean on during this difficult life experience.
THANK YOU KEVIN.
Regards,
John
Oh no, I miss him heaps today, I haven't felt like this for a while... what happened? I thought I was fine and moving on... I've been quite assertive with him and confident and all but It's like a roller coaster, is this happening to anyone here?
I understand you.it's happening to me.but i keep telling my self that this is a process that i should pass sooner or later and this feeling is not gonna last forever and it makes me feel better.
Thanks a.z, I posted a reply to your above comment oops. could you pls comment on my post above thanks :)
I know you said this almost always works for long term relationships, but what about a relationship that wasn't as long? I know we both got close to each other and I ended up breaking up with him due to being disrespected in the relationship. I'd like to work on things, but just like the examples in this article he's been ignoring me. I'm going to start the no contact thing, but I was just curious if this is limited to only long term relationships. I guess we'll see if he misses me and if not, I'll work on the tips that focus solely on myself.
Hey Tabitha,
I never said it almost always works for long term relationship. I just said it will increase your chances of getting back together. And it will help you get through the breakup and become a happier person. For a short term relationship, the results are same. It will increase your chances of getting back together. All the best.
Hi,
Me and the guy I was dating we recently broke up.
He said that he needed his space and time to think.
I've took the break up pretty hard. All I do is cry and cry
I did make the mistake and txt him a few times.
I got online and read this how you could get a ex back.
It sounds real convinsing.
I'm going to try this and see if it'll get anywhere.. I hope it does! I really enjoyed being with him n to see him perfect smile!
Our main probably is our smart mouths.
Were always getting mad over little uncessary things.-literally
We both get mad easliy an have bad tempers.
I guess he got tired of the arguements.
Which tbh we do need some space apart.
And I'm going to give him space.
Its just hard not to think about him without gettin upset or wantin to talk to him..
OMG I REALLY NEEDED THIS!!! THANK U SOOOOOO MUCH!! BY THE WAY I WISH THEIR WAS AN SELECTION FOR LESBIANS TO CLICK ON! :)
You should click on the one that says "To get your ex girlfriend back". :)
Hey everyone,
I haven't posted in about 2 months, but I have some updates but no questions this time =)
To recap briefly,we broke up in March and she wanted me back for the first two weeks and was confused. I was too and needed time and even ignored her I love you pleas.
After a few meetings in late march she finally got off her feet and was happy. I was lonely and broke the rules Kevin mentioned in the article. I did NC for about a month and in May we talked a little via text. I asked to hang out and she said sure but canceled. I got upset and wrote "The Magic Letter" from Relationship Rewind because I thought she was indifferent, She took it the wrong way and it pushed her and a friend of mine away.
A week ago, I wrote an apology email to her that you find in RR in the Death's Door section. She got it and said everything is good and we could hangout one day. We chatted a little and everything was good, no problems. I asked what's a good day for her and she would let me know Monday, but she never did. So here I am now.
I'm not going to worry about her anymore. I'm going to continue working on myself and let her be happy. I've been doing these new programs for self improvement and I've failed them a few times already but I'm committed to doing those. I plan on continuing to lose even more weight and even grow some muscle. I already lost 20 Lbs from the breakup to now. I plan on working on my plan for self improvement and rebooting myself so I don't make the same mistakes again with her or anyone else.
I'm going to cherish the good memories I have with her and learn from my mistakes. I'm going to stop contacting her and let her be how she wants to be. If she contacts me in a day, a week, a month, or a year, that's fine, I'll talk. But I'm going to take care of myself first and not let myself be unattached to people anymore. I'm not against second changes or reconciliation but I'm not going to try to force it on her anymore. I'm just going to let things flow naturally and improve myself and let her enjoy her life, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.
I want to thank Kevin for this site and the many helpful members that have stepped up and helped me and others. I know what it feels like to lose everything and feel like there isn't a way out. It's painful but it isn't forever and you'll find meaning one day. I may not be over her but I'm not going to let her bother me and I'll continue to work on myself and my life.
Thanks again!
Good to hear Chris :) ... I hope you find the happiness you deserve in life with or without her, good luck
Thank you for your comment Chris. I am glad this site helped you. The members here are keeping this site alive and I am grateful for them as well. :)
I posted twice on here, why is my help getting ignored?
Does this five step plan and the NO CONTACT rule work for second time??
It depend on the situation but i think it makes the situation better every time in most of the cases.
Thanks Kevin for this.
I done all the work and my ex still chose someone . I don't care anymore.
He's long gone baby and plenty of time , energy and others who want to spend time with u .
Fight for your ex if u wish too , I did ... I didn't fail , I gained confidence , strength and dignity more than I had with them .
Wahoooo
Bye getyourexback
I am happy for you Brett. All the best with your life. :)
Hi Kevin,
As I commented here before, my ex contacted me after a month of no contact and told me that he didn't wanna give up on us yet. After a few talks, he said we still have a chance but he's still not sure about us, so we decided to spend time once a week and see how it goes. It's been about 2 months we see each other again, and we both are having fun seeing each other now.
The thing is I am the one who always ask out. He replies to me promptly but doesn't send me texts for arranging a 'meeting' even though he always says he will send me a text about his next day off.
I feel like he's not putting his priority on me at the moment. I know he's deciding and I should keep him happy to make him think his life is happier with me. But I'm kind of tired of asking him out every week and worrying about him changing his mind again.
Do you think I should keep asking him out? Or sometimes better waiting for him to ask me out? Also I'm kind of lost what to do to make him think he's sure about us...
hey wait for him to ask you out.and let him chase you sometimes.
after he some time you can ask him out again.make plans to go out then cancel it and say sorry,something came up and we can't do it tonight.
meet him a few times from now and always be positive,cool and attractive.create a slight scarcity so he'll think he might be losing you forever and maybe you are interested in someone else the go out with him once more and get more physical,have a heart to heart talk. again you don't have to push anything.tell him how you feel and see his reaction.
Does this five step plan and the NO CONTACT rule work for second time?
Yes. But if your relationship failed twice, then you should do at least 3 months no contact and think real hard before trying again.
Hi Kevin,
didn't got a reply on my earlier comments.
Anyways, I text-ed my ex yesterday asking him how things were doing... he replied! finally, after 3 months no contact. his tone was kinda energetic... he asked how am i doing.. and also ask about our dog. Then i told him I went out with our mutual friends the other day but didn't want to disturb him too much as he mentioned he want his space. I say just let me do my exam in Oct, then lets have a talk face to face. He said OK and wish me luck.
I am not sure why all of a sudden he's willing to reply my text. Is he just trying to be nice? I am not sure what I should do next, so I dunno if he's done with that girl yet. Do you think I am just giving myself false hopes here?
Thanks!
Hi Flora,
Your post put a smile on my face. In fact your next message to him should be a reminder of something you two shared and you should include 'That put a smile on my face' at the end of your message. I think the space you gave him (and yourself) worked to your advantage, by doing NC you showed him that you don't need him and you're happy without him but prefer his friendship. In his books, you're the 'cool' girl now so high five! I think if you keep following Kevin's steps you could reach the outcome you want. Don't worry about that other girl he's happy to get in touch with you and that's a good sign :D ... So your next message should be the 'something remind me of you' with the ending 'that put a big smile on my face'... Good luck
Thanks Rihanna!
I don't know.... coz I am really hurt from this break up... I don't wanna hope for something and end up with nothing.... but I admit I am quite happy that he finally replied.
But my concern is he's only replying my text as he's guilty... as he knew he sort of choose the wrong timing for the breakup, which kinda affect my exam, which is crucial to my job. And he's just being nice now as he don't want to ruin my other exam as well.
And so far he had not initiate any conversation. Sometimes I am just not sure how often I should be texting him, I just don't want to send him texts which annoys him, if you know what I meant.
Hey Flora,
I don't think someone who really wants to break up with a girl would care about her timetable. If he didn't miss you he wouldn't be texting you, guilty or not! I think you have a good chance in winning him back if that's what you want but don't suffocate him with texts. Wait few days and send him 'something remind me of you' text. Dont' rush things. follow the steps and for now concentrate on your exams cos that'll show him your maturity and that you take things in life seriously, that's attractive. Good luck :)
Flora,
did you do 3 months straight of NC, or did you try after 1 month and then try again and again?
Besides my question, I think your doing well.... keep being cool and not so neeedy
Hey Joe,
I sent him a text within a week from the breakup, then he told me he had already moved on to being "single and alone" ( though i know he is seeing sb else ) then i texted 2 weeks after that and no response. Then tried again a week after that, and he ignored still.... Then its 2 months' NC straight.
In between i know our guy friends have spoke to him last month, and he ask them to tell me not to wait coz he cant come back as he cant face my parents.
So..... U think he just feel bad for not replying my earlier texts?
Hi guys I'm new here and I wanted to know if anyone can help me.
Me and my ex broke up about 3 months ago.
Before me and her started going out, we were the "inseparable best friends" and after a few months of non-stop texting, she admitted that she really liked me. At that time, I found her attractive but I didn't want to go out with her and I sort of declined her :/ Fortunately,I wasn't the type of person tht shut out people for that reason, so we still constantly texted.
After a few weeks, I started liking her,but she told me she didn't like me anymore. We still chatted, but the conversations seemed distant. Then, one night she told me she actually still liked me. By that time I had already completely fallen for her and since there was a dance coming up in school, I decided to ask her out. She said yes, but we both agreed on one thing: We went there as friends. During the dance we talked and danced and at one point, even cuddled in a spot were no one was hanging out, playing flappy bird. We knew we liked each other, but we agreed not to be in a relationship.
We got closer and closer after that, that even one of my friends started calling us "friends with benefits"
Finally, I asked her out, for real. I knew she wanted the relationship and so did I and of course she said yes. We were the couple everyone wanted. They always tried to hint us and, after we started going out, a lot of people went wild. People were even paying other people because of bets they made about us. It was perfect, me and her were happy and I guess so was everyone else. :)
Unfortunately, it didn't stay perfect like I wanted it to.
A few of her friends threatened in the beginning to punch me in the face if I ever broke up with her. I laughed, telling them I wasn't "I promise."
We started hanging out more, laughing and cuddling.
But I guess I liked her more than I thought. I kept seeing her on purpose, whenever I could. Then one day, she gave me a note at the end of class, I was a bit nervous, since that morning she barely looked at me.
I opened the note the next class and of course, it was a break-up note. In the note she told me she didn't like me anymore, and that she needed her space, and that I was annoying (the last one confused me since we never had an argument.)
I was mad and of course, sad. I didn't know how to reply, and since I was mad, I gave the note back to her later that day............with the grammar corrected XD
At the bottom I said ok and that's it. She unfollowed me on Instagram that night. I acted like whatever, but I was really hurt :( ( for the break-up I mean)
I applied NC for three weeks but kinda broke it because we're both in band and I was put in snare drum while she played bass drum next to me. School was already over by this time but we had to play for this ceremony. We said hi and stuff, acted friendly, and laughed a little. I knew I broke the NC a little early so I did it again for another month. I texted her one day and she replied, but she was acting cold towards me and we got into the biggest argument I didn't have pleasure to behold. We both said some mean things during the argument, and I didn't talk to her for a day. Then I texted her and apologized for what I said. She replied 5 mins later. We started talking, trying to avoid the break-up, and then I told her I still liked her a lot. (she thought I didn't like her anymore) She was quiet for a few mins and then said "oh." and I said "...yeah..." After that it seemed like we were going back to before we started dating. We talked, the conversation flowed smoothly. Then she went back to the me still liking her subject and told me she met someone new and that she liked him. The rest wasn't actually as awkward as I thought. But by the end of the convo,we had the friendliness back. Again she went back to the other subject and asked why I still liked her. I told her I just did. I liked her smile, her personality, the way she looks and acts. She didn't believe me and denied that she looks good, but I insisted. She didn't answer back and it's been a week already. What should I do? ANY COMMENTS WELCOME :)
PS. We have the same birthday, but I'm a year older than her but we're in the same grade. (started school late) IDK I felt like adding that. Does that maybe mean anything? Just wondering if anyone is like into superstitious stuff.
Thanks :)
Hi Austin,
You have a chance with her she wants her space and I think you should give her that. Do NC for 30 days and follow Kevin's plan. Same day birthday huh? It may not mean anything but you could use that to your advantage. Perhaps, after NC and you start talking again make a pact that you should 'no matter what' celebrate every birthday together as "friends" of course... You do have a chance but follow the plan. Good luck!
Dear Rihanna,
Thanks I'm doing NC again for another month. And yeah I think I should do the pact. So far though Kevin's plan has been working.
Thanks. :)
Kevin,
Are there any sites or articles or any opinion that you can recommend for moving on? Im trying to find meaning and purpose in life right now. Basically my life somehow restarted. When you break up you dont only lose a lover. You lose everything. You lose a bestfriend. You lose your world and dreams. But its okay, i have come to accept that its part of life. Im just 22 im still young, i might not find another girl better than her but i know i will find someone more compatible for me. Not all relationships are salvagable. Most of the time its just not meant to be. I dont want to destroy my life sulking on the past. I must carry on. So basically you will really start from scratch. Overall im okay now i have completely accepted everything. But sometimes i feel like nothing is happening in my life or there is something wrong. Im trying my best to do what i can with what i have right now. Im a bit lost although im rebuilding slowly. I just need a few guidance. Thanks.
Hi Daniel,
You're so young and full of life and the 'I won't find someone better than her' is just your current self talking but when you bump into the perfect woman for you you're gonna wonder where she's been all your life, I promise! Anyway, there's this program with Eddie Corbano on how to detox your ex, so he sends emails just like Kevin does but his advice is fully on how to move on and stories of others how they reached moving on from their failed relationships. Personally, I find the emails from Kevin to work more effectively cos although his emails are about 'how to get your ex back' the hidden message in Kevin's emails is always helping us move on and forward in life. I especially like reading over and over again the 'abundance' vs 'scarcity' mentality. Anyway, try Eddie Corbano his emails are helpful too and you can unsubscribe anytime (I did lol). But only because I didn't think I needed his emails not because they weren't good. I know you'll move on and be happier than ever again. Good luck :)
Rihanna,
I've subscribes to eddie corbano a few days ago. So far kevin's series is the best and i agree about the scarcity and abundance mail. Its so great it is my favorite email.
Thanks for everything rihanna. I definitely learned a lot in this heart breaking experience of mine. I will carry it forver in this life. I wis you all the best and may you find happiness.
Thank you Daniel, and best of luck to you xx
My ex said: "Think about it, if I come to visit you for few days what do you think will happen? Be honest, we're going to sleep with each other because we find each other highly attractive and I get turned on just by hearing your voice then on the last day we won't sleep together but you'll regret it, right?".
Me: "So what are you saying, we're not going to see each other? you said you wanted to come see me we could just hang out. We'll just have fun like we used to before we entered into a full on relationship" - I agree with you all I think I'm fooling myself too, oops!
He: "You have two options. 1- I fly to yours and spend one day I don't have any problem doing that at all! We can discuss plans for next year but I want to tell you, I'm not promising you ANYTHING if you come to the city you come for your future not me, I can't keep you waiting for me (he said his full name) that's not right for me to do. You're beautiful and young and have a great ass hahaha... So I can come and spend the day having fun and talking and fly back home late hour. Option 2- I fly to see you stay for 3 days but you know what will happen. I don't want to lie to you I know we'll end up sleeping together and no judgment, I will never judge you or you me ok? I know you'll probably slap me if I said this to your face but we would've been great like 'friends with benefits' hahaha... cos neither one of us is accomplished but for the next year all I want to do is concentrate on myself. If anything we can video chat. Be honest don't you still think about me sexually, do I turn you on still?"
Me: Well, it's been a while and I don't really know to be honest. I think I can be just friends with you not sure if that'll change when I see you so I take option 1. I know I won't do anything to disrespect myself.
He: Just take your time and tell me which option in few days think about it.
Me: I don't need to I know what I want, just come for the day and I'll pay for your tix.
He: Ok. I just don't want to say yeah I'll come for few days and we'll just have coffee cos I'll be lying to you. Of course I have feelings for you and I want to be honest with you all the time. I've never lied to you or mislead you.
Me: I know and I respect that you're looking after yourself and have solid future plans. I'm doing exactly the same. For the first time I'm gonna be selfish and take time out for myself only. I need a solid future too. Once I'm accomplished then I can think of relationships.
He: Exactly! So no promises with you. You wanna come to the city if you want we get a place in both our names so that I'm not living with you or you with me, it's 50/50 and be room mates. But we can sleep next to each other right? Or you rent a separate place and I'll always be there for you as a friend.
Me: I prefer to share with someone I know though. But I want to concentrate fully on my life so no sleeping with each other. I'm not interested in relationships.
He: Anyway, think about the options I gave you. I'm really tired I've worked 18 hours today and I'm in so much pain again. It's getting late so good night, my love.
Me: "my love?"
He: My love, my life and the future of my life. Good night.
Hey guys, how do you think that conversation went? I thought at times he was being bit disrespectful? Any advice? He keeps changing his tone with me, I thought he was bit cold tonight lol
I don't find him disrespectful, i think that he is very comfortable talking to you,open and honest since you've already been together and shared some moments..
Hi Rihanna,
I replied to your last post (scroll down) this am but you may not have gotten it. It was just about moving out of the friend zone(I hope it can help). But anyway Rihanna - and this is just my opinion - this conversation you had with him bothers me... whether consciously or unconsciously, he is saying he want's to be f*ck buddy's with you (pardon the term). He is saying he dosen't want a relationship with you but drops the ‘friends with benefits’ hahaha... line. And that, to me sounds a bit disrespectful. But that's just my opinion, I'm sure some of the guy's here may have more insight into the male mind.
I just re-read this Rihanna, and it really seems to me like he's keeping you on the hook until he's ready... He has the best of both worlds with you at the moment because you won't move on while your still in contact with him. But this website is about getting your ex back any not analysing their maybe? motivation? So maybe email Kevin for advice on how to get out of the friend zone when your ex is dropping 'bliss bombs' on you, but still dosen't want to get back together.
Are your reasons for breaking up really that strong?
If you still love each other and the conditions are right then there is no reason not to be togther. Right?
Thank you so much you guys I really appreciate your input because although some may say 'oh you're doing great' I agree with you both. He doesn't want a relationship AT ALL for the next year because he wants to concentrate on his finances which is currently Terrible! (lol), hence why he's going back to uni for a year. Anyway, I'm the same though, I don't want a relationship with anyone either because I have to look after my future which I've neglected, so we're both on the same page. I know that he's keeping me hooked until he's ready and unfortunately my feelings for him is sort of allowing him to. However, I'll never admit that to him or admit that I'm still hooked (though it's not hard to guess). He also said, he can't sleep with me unless we involve god somehow (he means a sort of commitment/tie/blessing etc...) and I really like that he said that because it gives me security and I can use that against him HAHA!
Daniel,
We had no reason for the breakup except for financial reasons which made him feel embarrassed that we had to split and this is why he doesn't want a relationship with anyone until he's on his feet and earning a proper income. I can understand where he's coming from. I also understand that he said it's not right for him to come for few nights cos we'll end up sleeping together and that's wrong, he's right about that and I respect that he said that to me. There is a reason not to be together, we're both incomplete in our own ways and we both have work to do to be able to enter a relationship and be responsible for love. Love is a responsibility. Feelings are there but without financial security we fell apart once and we both don't want to rush back together because we'll fall apart again. But I'm not waiting for him and he's not expecting me to, though I know he'd want to be with me once he has security. Anyway, tell me about you I haven't heard from you cos I don't check here as often anymore. What's going on with you and your ex?
Sinead,
I hope that you're going strong. Thank you for your advice and I've taken it on board buddy :) ... Keep us updated with your progress xx
RD,
Thank you kindly for your comment. I can tell you have so much heart and you're very young, don't sweat on the little things yet in your life. You'll meet a million guy yet and fall in love hopefully to last a lifetime. Good luck with your ex :)
Rihanna,
Its been 4+ mos. we have nk contact anymore. Im not trying to win her back either. Im trying to win myself back and move on. I realized that i just have to accept what happened. Not all broken relationships can be saved. Its called a break up coz its broken. Something is wrong with us and maybe were not good for each other anymore. So thats it. Thats why im not checking here often too. :)
Hey Daniel,
I replied to your recent post above. But you're right, it's probably better to find someone new with new memories than to revive an old broken relationship. I know it's hard to do but once you feel comfortable with yourself again as a single guy you'll start to have bigger hopes for yourself with everything, women, work etc... So chin up, you'll meet someone fantastic you'll wonder how you lived without her before you two met and hopefully you would've learnt more about life to make this relationship last a lifetime. You can do it! All my love xx
Rihanna,
I haven’t made any progress at all I’m heading into my 5th month NC. Kevin advised me to try to move on or maybe send one of the texts above. I’m at what relationship rewind call’s deaths door and they recommend sending the magic letter so I don’t really know which one to do, the text or the letter?
I’m afraid to contact him by text in case he doesn’t reply and then sending the letter after the text might be too much you know?
And I’m also afraid to send the RR magic letter because last year I bombarded him with contact: text, FB, etc - including a letter - which I think freaked him out. I can now see how my letter was a mistake because it was very needy - “I’m sorry and I miss you etc” And the letter from RR would have been better because it’s more assertive and much less needy. If only I could go back in time eh?
It’s his birthday in a week I was going to wait until after that to make a decision on what to do – what do you think I should do?
Hi Sinead, so you're a girl Ha!
Ok, I think I was at deaths door and didn't want to write a letter but someone here said I should I took that advice and I did do a letter only it wasn't handwritten and I sent it via FB. Why? because I'll know for sure that he's 'seen' it and when he has so I don't assume and lie to myself by saying "maybe he didn't receive it or maybe he didn't read it" so that if he did ignore the letter I'll know to move on for sure. I think the letter is a good way to reach out to him. I also think it would've been great to make first date on your birthdays but unfortunately it's too soon, so just a 'happy birthday' text will do, make it heart warming but in a friendly way not in a needy way.
Ok, the letter that you sent the first time may have been done in the wrong way. This letter should address: 1- that you respect his decision to break up. 2- that you accept the break up. 3- that you're moving forward in life. 4- that something great is happening in your life and you can't wait to share it with him (don't say further). 5- That it would be a shame to lose contact as a friend IF he wants your friendship (this way you don't sound needy and pushy). This letter is a way to reach out to him by saying a 'sort of' goodbye but not really. I think point 4 should instigate his interest and make contact with you. Do the letter after NC via FB or through a different medium to the one you used in that letter that he found 'creepy'. Then, give him a few weeks to contact you. If he contacts you by calling make sure you sound positive and happy with life and do NOT mention the breakup at all. Also, make sure you have something new and exciting to tell him eg: new hobby, or new job etc... If he doesn't contact you after few weeks then send him the 'something remind me of you' text. But concentrate on your NC atm and plan to write a good letter to him. Good luck :)
Rihanna, (I'm posting this here because there's no reply button below).
Ha, ha, ha, ur gas! Of course I'm a girl lol. Sinead is a very common girl's name where I'm from - we even have a famous(ish) singer called Sinead (Sinead O'Connor lol).
Thanks sooooo much for your tips below, your idea for sending the letter through a different medium than I used the last time is genius and the 5 things to cover in the letter are really on point. I'm going to get started now and I'll let you know how I go ok?
Hey Sinead, (love that name :) )
Yes, I'm looking forward to see how he'll react to your letter... if you can and without making the letter too long (keep it to a page maximum), you might include some of the best times together in it example: It would be a shame to lose that 'rare' connection we had even as friends, don't you think? I'd love to kick your butt in a bowling game like I did that time bla bla bla... and make it really fun. Remember to hit the soft spots in him, bit of nostalgia in the letter is good too. Good luck :)
Hello everyone,
first i want to say how amazing this site is, i hope some of you may be able to help me understand better my situation and see other people point of view. So...grab some popcorn :P let's get staarted!
I am 16 years old right now and my ex is 19.We met on high school,i was in my first year (14 years old) and he was a senior (17 years old).We've been together for 1,5.Until the first year,everything was AMAZING,of course we had our fights and ups and downs but never broke up,always worked our problems out.I love him with all my heart and i know so does he. On March 31 this year,it was his birthday,we got into a huge fight because he was really jealous of my friends and he was yelling at me for no reason etc,we haven't spoken for about 4 days and then he left the country to go visit his brother in another country.While he was there i contacted him and he told me we were basically broken up,he was really mad.I didn't beg,or plead,or run after him.I just let things like that,i didn't contact him.After he returned from his trip,he went out with a common friend and he told him that he isn't sure if he wants to get back with me,so i called him and he told me that he likes beeing single and not worrying or stressing about anyone and he wants to stay like that.I just said ok,and later that evening he unfriended me from facebook,so i called him and basically he did that to forget me because he was seeing my images with other guy friends and got jealous.There was No contact for about 2 months and a half. There was a celebration in our city and i knew he would work in a cafe there in the street.So i dressed up,looked sexy,all cute and sweet,and i stood next to him without him seeing me.He was soo surprised and didn't know what to say (i also changed my hair from black to red) He smiled instantly,kissed me on the chick asked how i was etc,he even shaken hands with my dad and said hello to my mum.Later that night,i went to his facebook profile and i saw that he changed his cover with a quote saying" keep your head up,god gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers".The next day,i walked next to that cafe with my best guy friend (my ex bf is soo jealous of him),he saw us but i acted like i didn't see him,and i did the same the next day with my girlfriends.After 3 days,he added me on fb,and he even went out with a friend who he doesn't know he is friends with me too,and told him that he wants me back.So,he posted on fb "our song" and i liked it,and he liked 5 of my photos to get my attention etc,and then he chatted me.I waited 3-4 minutes to respond,and that i did through the whole chat,he would chat me instantly but i would take some time.He told our friend that he isn't sure if i want him back. Then he chatted me after 3 days,and we started talking on fb,and then he asked me if i would be interested to go out for a coffee.I said i didn't have a problem.(btw during no contact,i really missed him and prayed fo him to come back cuz i really love him).We took a walk together and he complimented me,i tried not to show much of an emmotion,i was sweet,and fun to talk to and he told me that he saw an amazing change in me that he liked.He asked if he could hug me in the end and i said yes.He told me he tried to forget me but he couldn't and when he saw me face to face,emotions who he thought have slept,woke up again.So we met again after a week,and i asked him what changed fromt he time he said he wanted to broke up,and he said he had a lot going on and he thought i was the one stressing him out but turns out i wasn't.He really missed him,made a lof of promises,we had a 3 hours talk but i told him i don't want to rush things,and i want some time to think because i don't trust him at all,and he said he would do his best to earn my trust again,and he said i'm sorry for everything i put you through.I told him it wasn't easy getting over the break up but i did it thanks to my friends and family and that i'm not sure if it is worth putting my self to maybe go through this again in the futureAfter that night,we would talk on fb a lot,but i saw that he was adding and liking a lot of girls hot photos on fb etc,and it really made me jealous but i didn't say anything cuz i didn't want him to know he has that power over me cuz i know he would use it against me if we fought later.So i went on a trip,and he didn't make an effort chatting me or texting me see how i am etc.I didn't feel like he was trying as much as he promised he would to get me back,but because i really wanted him back,i called him immediately when i returned from my trip and asked if we could meet.We met and he told me that he wants the same thing,to get back with me.So i said YES!We got back together on july 17 2014 and everything was great.He would talk to me about anything,i would always be there to listen to him,we made plans for next year when we would study in different countries (me in strasbourg,him in southampton england),that we would both visit,he would be the sweetest guy to me saying me he is so glad we are back together.The only thing was that he told me he isn't sure what love is yet and he doesn't want to tell me i love you when he isn't sure if he is really feeling love.And i told him this is totally ok and that i appreciate him saying that to me straight forward,and that is really mature that he thought about it and i prefer him to tell me he loves me when is is really sure he feels that way.We went out on Sunday 19 again and had the time of our lives.We went to a restaurant and had a really great time,then walked by the beach and he was really happy,i felt like we were finally okay.When i arrived home,he called me and told me that he already misses me.I was so freaking happy!(i forgot to mention that he was some economic issues,he doesn't have a job now and he is very stressed.he told me i fight a lot with my mother and i'm always stressed and i'm not sure if it was the right thing to do to get back in a relationship with you because i don't want you to see me like that,it's not your fault,but i told him i'm not here for his good moments,i told him i would stick by him in his bad moments too,and he was really happy to hear that).The next day,he sent me a fb message saying that he wants to tell me something.Instantly i thought he was going to break up with me,and he did.He told me that he doesn't feel the same as he did in our previous relationship,and that he rushed into this relationship without thinking clearly and he was immature he said.I just answered with a simple ok.It really hurt my feelings him breaking up with me for no reason basically.I found out that he sent me this text while he was in a cafe with his older brother (21) and his brother's friends.I have to mention,his brother was in a relationship for 4 years and he left his gf saying that he wants to sleep with other girls too.He really hurt his ex gf who is my friend.He is studying in another country but he came back for the summer.I think him,and his friends influence my ex a lot,they are out partying,drinking,making out with other girls but never commmit,and i think my ex thinks that what they are doing is okay.I think maybe they convinced him that he should break up with me,have the time of his life now that it's summer and if he gets bored,to come back to me.I know that he loves me,i saw in his eyes everytime we would meet.He would want to hug me all the time and make me feel happy.Also,3 days after we got back together,his friends told him to go clubbing together,and i told him that he should go and have fun.He told me that he prefers to come and see me,and that he doesn't want to go clubbing basically because i wouldn't be there.He wouldn't do all that if he didn't feel love about me.As soon as we broke up,i changed my profile photo and he liked it,and the next day i changed it again and he liked it too.Before 2 days he uploaded a song on fb saying "i miss you".But there is no contact.I REALLY LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM BACK,BUT THIS TIME TO STAY!I decided to do no contact for a month and then send him a text.I hope that he reaches back to me as he did before.Please tell me your thoughts,what should i do? Do you think he will come back? I know i should probably let him go and move on but i feel like everything was amazing,until that Monday......tell me what to do and your opinions..ALL COMMENTS APPRECIATED!
hey RD,
i'm sorry but could you please send a shorter version of your story?so everyone can read it and say their advises?
OMG the story you told is so similar to mine...the part where u think his friends influence him in a negative way, is exactly how i feel too. He also said he likes being single. But at first when we broke up it was like nothing changed. You and me have very similar stories and I wish u the best! We can't fail if we dont give up!
Hey sunshine !! we can chat on fb if you want about it :)
Hello, thank you for the article, definitely great advice. I have been following the no contact rule for 4 months now. I broke the No Contact rule the other day by getting in touch with my ex boyfriends brother by sending a general text message (how is the family and my ex boyfriend). I also called his brother but he was busy. My ex boyfriend is currently incarcerated. He told me to leave him alone 4 months ago and I did. I'm just wondering how he is doing. As far as the post break up progress I've worked on 4 out of the 7 (as far as the Contacting Your Ex checklist section of the article) and just as I'm writing this I'm realizing it's not a good idea to contact my ex.
For one I'm not sure if getting back with him would be a good idea, he treated me pretty crappy at times mostly because of his situation and he was very demanding.
Two: I'm still in the process of accepting the breakup and am slowly coming to grips that I would be okay with the fact that I may never get my ex back and really slowly beginning to realize this might never work for me (Seeing through the illusions).
I haven't really accepted the fact that even if I don’t get my ex back, I will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.
Guess I still have a ways to go. My feelings for him have been fading more and more each day. I'm feeling less and less as the days go on that he is the only one for me. Some days he's on my mind heavily. Other days I barely think of him. So I'm a work in progress. Who knows by the time I get through the 3 steps I need to progress on, I may not want him back anymore. :) I really appreciate your article. Thank you so much.
Hi everyone i'm kind of feeling lost at the moment i tried no contact except he kept constantly contacting me i'm really confused on what he actually wants he says he doesn't want a girlfriend he wanted to be with this other girl but she only wants him as a friend he knows another guy is interested in me so he acts likes he doesn't care but he tells his friend that i've been cheating on him does even sound like i have a chance at all in him taking me back?
Periods might have helped XD.
But it seems to me like he's trying too hard to push you away with rumors and all. He's probably jealous for some reason since the girl he wants to be with doesn't want him. :/ And someone else is interested in you he's probably acting like he doesn't care because he still likes you.
I had someone else tell me that also that he still has likes me.
If you tell someone you don't have feelings for them and don't want to be with them why do they insist on contacting you?
Do you think he may regret his decision but feels like he can't go back on what he has already decided?
Hmm, probably.
And him insisting on contacting you might mean he likes you. If he's insisting on contacting you it's probably because he still likes you.
Does it make a difference if you run on purpose into your ex? The last time we broke up,it's been 3 months and i run into him on purpose because i knew he would be there,and after 3 days he added me again on fb and started talking to me. This time,i don't know if i will have this chance.Does it limit my chances of him missing me and realising he made a mistake breaking up with me? Or it doesn't matter really? please let me know your thoughts on this.The previous time i think he saw my black hair gone red,and i was really sweet etc,now that he won't see me face to face i don't know how i'm going to achieve that.....
hey,
i don't know your story,but i think if you have opened the lines of communication so you can use video calls.i think its more effective than photos.
well,i totally agree with what Dara said.and one more thing,don't try to impress him only using your appearance you may attract her for a little while but the main problem is something else and you should try to resolve that.try to understand what went wrong in your relationship.start NC and work on yourself .
Good Luck
Hey guys! yesterday i had a bad time, and i broke the NC to soon :/ went to her house to have a chat. i feel like such an idiot right now, just waisting my chances and feeling even worse afterwards. also my ex invited me with some other of my friends and her new boyfriend to go bowling togheter. stil not quiete sure if i should go or not?
Hey Robin,
Well it's really hard to do NC especially if she has someone else, so don't feel bad about it it's not the end of the world. I think you should start NC again and bit longer this time. During NC improve yourself physically, mentally etc... so that when you two meet up AFTER NC she'll realise that you've changed for the better, and she'll start thinking about you again in an attractive way. No I don't think going bowling with her and her boyfriend is a good idea instead plan something fun with friends that night (don't go to the same bowling alley hahaha)... Start making changes for your own sake first and to increase your chances with her second. Your NC starts now. Good luck :)
Hey Robin,
I agree with Rihanna, don't thinkyou should go bowling with her and her new bf. Let things play out with them. It will give her time to miss you and you don't want to display yourself as a person she can easily get back if she fails her new relationship.
Dear Robin
I agree with Rihanna and Edward you should not go bowling with her and her boyfriend (I would know) That's not gonna end up nicely (again,I would know)
Show her that you have your own life and no longer have to be everywhere she is
Best of luck :)
Hey, Robin.
I agree with the oldies here: Rihanna and Edward. Lol
What I've learned after the breakup is to value myself more. It may sound cliché but how will you know if you do? Learn to say no to things and situations that will make you feel uncomfortable. Just like being invited by her with the new boyfriend. Obviously she will just want to make you jealous. And of course you will, what you have to do is to avoid the situation. Don't allow her to have the upper hand.
And I think it is just a rebound so just let her. Do NC and don't mind her even if she has someone new. If she sees you are doing well without her and isn't affected with her new relationship, she will check out on you to see why you no longer care. And it might made her furious because things won't go as what she had planned - to make you jealous. Just do NC and later on she will have a taste of her own medicine - instead of you being jealous she might turn out confused because you don't care.
It will be hard to do NC from start but if you feel empty at times you can just post here for someone to talk to. Don't give her the upper hand. Be in control.
When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying NO to yourself :-)
Hi guys! It has been a long time. It always feels good to pay a visit.
UPDATE:
I am feeling good. Enjoying my singleness. I m not yet fully moved on and at times there are depression and missing her attacks but I managed to overcome those. She haven't contacted me for 2weeks now and I don't know if there will be any contact in the future. If not, then fine. If yes, then okay. I am somehow happy on my own. But it is not perfect there are mood swings and sometimes I am unstable but I am on my way to fully move on. Though at times I feel like what AZ is feeling because we never talked after and it is like we never settled the issue but sometimes having no closure is still closure. :-)
A. Z.
Hey, I backread and saw your post. I think it wouldn't hurt that you confessed to him your feelings. It's just okay. Because it is really hard to move on if you are still clinging to past feelings. And suppressing your feelings and acting like you don't care wouldn't help. For awhile maybe, but not in the long run. Shying away from the truth won't set you free. And as they say, suppressed feelings don't really die. They just sleep deep within you and when awaken will later come out in much uglier ways. And you don't want that to happen. So opening your feelings to the one involved is a good deal since you've done NC and improved a lot. If you are waiting for him to initiate about getting back, I think it wouldn't hurt too if you will be the one to open it. It really sucks that even after the relationship the ego is still there. However, if your confessing turns out to be in his advantage and use it against you, that will be the deal breaker. And from there you need to decide and stick to that decision.
DANIEL
Hey buddy! I have read that you are willing to move on now! I can sense you have changed a lot compared to your past posts. I am happy for you. And I feel for you because at times I want her back but we are not growing together. And like you. i thought she motivates me to do better but I do things better because I want to please her. I am glad it dawned upon you and finally we were able to draw the line between doing things better for ourselves and not just to please the ex. We are in this together because that is what I am doing too! Let us improve ourselves first buddy. We can never be happy in a relationship if we cannot be happy being alone. Let us learn how to embrace solitude and be self sufficient. And I promise you buddy, everything will fall into its proper place :-)
EDWARD
Hi. You are the most mature person I can see here based on your posts. I admire you alot for your perspective. And I don't know how your ex wasn't able to see that. You really sound so mature ha ha. And we, here, are the living proof of how much you've changed a lot for the better. Read you will be/had seeing/seen your ex. How did it went? :-)
DARA
Hey you my most attractive buddy. Ha ha! Lots of girls huh? How was it?
RIHANNA
Hey. Haven't heard from you. Still confused?
FESTIVAL DAVID
Hey, how's the trip? And how's the ex?
KEVIN
Hi. I m glad your back. Your site hs improved a lot. Thanks for all the help, kind soul.
Hey Raed,
Remember to embrace your every moment of grief because what you're feeling now will turn into bliss and that happiness will feel a million times more intense because of what you're going through now. Your future gf is very lucky already, you're a very intelligent guy and deserve someone who matches your personality, someone who will make you happy and drive you to better heights in life. Your upside is that there's magic waiting for you and only time will prove it. Hang in there, live each day as it comes and when that magical moment strikes remember to share it with us :) ... Remember this: 'Your sorrows are the seeds embedded in the garden of your happiness. Your joys are not but the seeds of your sorrows past' ... and you my friend, your bloom is waiting to happen :)
And Raed, this one's for you: AAAAAARGH! lol, as if! Thanks for making me stronger and less confused ;) xx
Hey RAED,
Finals week soon so I've been studying, I'm excited to see her this Saturday when I'm done with school. Everything is going great, she always initiates contact with me and mentioning missing me. It's great to feel loved by someone else again, but even better when I love myself too. Been working out and staying healthy, love it. Thanks for updating us, I hope you will feel better soon. If you have any feelings for her left, it is better to left it all go and let her know before moving on.
HEY RAED,
yeah you are right,actually i feel really good these days.i'm meeting him by the next 3 weeks and during this time,i'm working on myself more than ever.i have accepted the fact that i may never get him back and i guess i'm ok with it.i told him about my feelings for him and i have really changed.that day is gonna be the last try.i will try to have a really good time and alot of fun then at the end of the day i will talk about us.i don't think if i'll tell him to get back directly but first i should see how he will act.
if he is still acting weird and he seems like he doesn't want to get back, i will say its the best for both of us to move on and i will really move on.
you know what? deep down ,when i think about these last months i feel really bad and its like i don't want him back.as i said i'm really scared.i can't let him bother me again.
and also i'm really glad that you are ok these days.keep us updated
Edward,
Oh you are still in school. No wonder you became so very much attractive again to your ex because you sound so mature too. That it radiates so much she can see how much you've changed.
Good luck on the 'new relationship' and I hope if ever you get back together you won't lose yourself again in the process of loving her. It feels good to be sufficient within you than to depend on someone. I trust that you can do so much better now whether alone or in a relationship.
Congrats and best wishes, bud! Lpl
Rihanna,
I know I've said this before but for the nth time, wow. You sound so brand new and so mature! I can now see that you really are a writer ha ha!
I will believe in you that these pains will later on bloom into something happier in the long run. These pains are just temporary and I am everyday looking forward to that bliss to come.
Thank you, Rihanna. You sound better, stronger and more mature. It is like you are someone new! Your ex might be intimidated. Ha ha!
The only thing I can really tell myself that you really are Rihanna is your AAAARGH. I still love it. Music to my ears. Lol
Have a good day! :-*
A. Z.
Yes, don't deny yourself the chance to try again for the last time. It won't do any harm if you will still want to try.
I am afraid as well, if ever my ex will ask me back. Because know what? I might be in pain but because of the breakup I feel more in touch with the reality and with the moment. I might be in pain in this moment but I can see that this will benefit me more in the long run. I am somehow enjoying it up until the point that I just want to stay single not because I no longer have any love to give but because it is only now that I feel deeply connected with myself and it feels good. If ever my ex will want me back, I am afraid I will turn her down.
I hope the date turns out well. If not get back together but to turn out the way which you will be happy for long term. Laugh and enjoy as if that is the last time because you will never know how your 'talk' about the two of you will turn out.
If you can still patch it up, both do your best and talk things over even the smallest ones. You have been through so much and you wouldn't want to have another heartbreak.
If ever it will be a no, then be courageous enough to pick yourself up. Turn your back and say that this is a point of no return.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is that little voice saying, "I'll try again tomorrow." Or sometimes it is when you give up because you know you've had enough.
Goodluck and keep us updated! :-)
Hey Raed,
Great to hear from you and everything sounds so good and happy with you :)
My trip was amazing thank you, had such a good time.
As for the ex...well..I last spoke to her a few days ago and she is giving me really mixed signals, im going to cut it off all together if she contacts me again.
She said she wants to be friends and wants me "Close"....but said we are both open to see other people, but she doesnt want to know about who im dating and she isnt going to tell me about hers etc.She is still giving me massive compliments etc saying how hot I am, How beautiful I am, How I will meet a nice girl etc
The way she said it, really sounded like she wants me there incase anything goes wrong etc.
So if she contacts me, Im just going to tell her straight I dont want to speak to her for a while as I want more than friends and to act differently is just prolonging the pain for both of us.
x
thank you raed, i'm doing what exactly you said.
David,
Hey. I guess you are right. Tell her directly that you want more than friends and this false friendship is like just a waste of time because there is so much pretentions.
Tell her you want to take it to the next level and get back again. If she declines, respect what she wants but tell her too to stop flirting you and giving you mixed signals.
It's hard to stay with someone who gave you a place in her life but you don't exactly know where.
Good luck, buddy! :-)
Kevin,
How do I add a new topic on the Boards? Perhaps "add a new topic" should be placed next to the forum and reply buttons? Thanks
There's a link on top of the forum pages which says "Create a new thread". I think people are getting confused with it. Perhaps I should change it to "add a new topic".
Also, you can scroll to the bottom of the page and find the new topic form and reply form.
Thank you :)
Why does my comment keep getting deleted, Please i need help... and a answer...
Hello
I am in a major rut and just having such a hard time holding it all together, So basically my story is of me and my EX-Girlfriend of 3 1/2 - 4 Years, Not sure the exact date but i love this girl and i want to marry her, that is what i found out being 2 years apart, and within those two years she has been trying to get back with me and do everything in her power to be with me, but i was blind and did not see this, i was just trying to get my stuff together, because the break up was on me , I started and just said lets take time apart , and said i do want to be with you in the future. So taking time apart it lasted for two long years... for me to get my head screwed back on , because i was just trying to see if she was who i wanted to be with, maybe make her jealous and just say mean things like oh that girl is hot and i would love to sleep with her and etc and few other things but i never physically hurt her or dated or slept with other women, and instead we would always hang out and do stuff together, she would stay over or i would stay over, but never really have sex even as break up took place, but i truly never felt we broke up instead i enjoyed every moment with her, so now to find out a year and a half or two years later, i was going to ask her back out again and when i unfolded and bombarded her with this information, i found out she is dating a guy for 1 - 2 months now, and i kept trying to get her back in every way possible, she said her life has been uprooted so many times , that now she found her peace, shes at peace and is happy where she is, Now 3 going 4 months now later They had the boyfriend girlfriend relationship talk and are now that and not just dating, My heart is sinking every day over her , and i want her back so bad and to grow old with her and have kids, I just turned 23 and she will turn 22 in October. It took me 2 years to realize this woman is the one i love, because after a certain point i cannot look at other women the same as i did back then with dog eyes, now i just don't see anyone as special as she is, as a precious jewel, And it scares me now shes going on 4 months maybe 5 soon, as boyfriend girlfriend title, and she says , she is happy where she is, and doesn't want her peace/balance to be uprooted again. I apologized said many things and still even hang out with her she said shes sorry right now that she cant give me what i want than just friendship and wouldn't want too loose that, And when we both went through the emotional stage we both did say we would love to be on that path in the future again to be together, but she doesn't know if that will or will not happen because it's the future and nobody knows what it holds, Now i am not asking for you to predict the future and tell me everything will be alright, But i want to know ... Do i really still have a chance with my love that one day i want to crown a ring upon her hand, what else can i do to make this right and have her come back into my arms, Because how i see it through my eyes, shes happy and is enjoying her life and everything... and i cannot show her how much i have changed and show her the love as a boyfriend girlfriend etc.. They already had sex plenty of times within the first two months.. and continue so a bunch, more than we had in our time together ... and it just kills me. Because i want to show her i have changed and can do more and better of everything... But it's hard because all she shows is the same response and same barriers every single time. I am so lost on what else i can do and what should i do...
Please Help.
Hey Vasily,
I was deleting your comment because it doesn't follow the comment guidelines. Also, since the forums are released, I have been asking everyone to post all breakup related questions over there.
Hello Kevin, I have posted and been getting help from A.Z can you check in also, to make sure it is what is needed for my situation problem, Because i do love and care for my ex, but as far advise A.Z said to do NC for a month and check back in.
I agree with her.
I broke up with my Ex about two days ago, she basically told me three days ago that she has feelings for someone else and she needed time to figure things out. This made me mad and instead of just giving her the space she asked for, I instead broke up with her threw via text and said some pretty harsh words out of anger. I regret everything I sent after she told me that she doesn't even like the guy she just had a weird feeling for him, but now she is totally done with me. She told be previously that we should always talk about our problems instead of breaking up. But now this was it I pulled on the last string holding us together. Do you think if I follow these rules she'll get back with me..... I mean with my situation.
There's a chance. It's worth a try.
So yesterday I broke NC with my ex after about 6 weeks. I sent her a friendly text saying something reminded me about her and telling her I hope she's doing great. A couple of weeks ago she posted a picture of her giving her camera the evil eye on Instagram with this caption: “Take a minute to~ 1. See the hate for you in my eyes. 2. Text your replacement. 3. Ignore this because you’re an asshole. 4. Just know you suck.” (obviously it's about me). Despite this, I don't have any negative feelings towards her and I'm still trying to be friendly with her. I'm trying to start a false friendship. I should probably add that she's in a rebound relationship... They've probably been together less than a month. And she's known him for maybe 2 or 3.
Anyway, I didn't get a response so I'm pretty sure she's still in that mood where she wants me dead. I was thinking of sending her this: "Ok. You hate me. Two things: I don't hate you back and I didn't replace you (don't know where you came up with that). I know I owe you an apology and I hope that one day you can forgive me and we can be friends or something. But if not, I'm glad you were a part of my life. Thanks for all the good times." Would sending this be a good idea or a mistake? Any suggestions? I have no idea what my next move should be...
If she is in the mood of killing you or something then why ask her directly for friendship ?
I would suggest you to simply apologize to her for anything you did that made her feel so and just keep it short.
Do not show that you wanna be friends with her, simply apologize, say something like, hi i know that you hate me but i would like to take the time out to say a few things, i am sorry for what wrong i have done and i guess i was someone else back then for doing those things, anyways just wanted to share something good with you but i guess later , (not sure if you should include this, works good if you actually have something to tell her). Say that you have accepted what happened and ya you can thank her too if you like. Listen to yourself.
Yesterday we talked with my ex and he said that he doesn’t feel the same for me anymore. Then he posted today a song in facebook which is saying i miss you.I don't get him.We broke up,and i didn't beg him or anything,and after two months of no contact,he bumped into me on the street,then he started contacting me and he told me he wants me back and he would try to win me etc.When i finally said yes,everything was great,and after 2 days he asked me to break up again.SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON! I REALLY WANT HIM BACK BUT I WANT HIM TO STAY,I DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL BE GOING BACK AND FORTH.PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's probably got some kind of (maybe mild) personality problems. Anyway, probably he is confused about what he wants in his life but you should not be a victim! Do NC again. Let him be clear with what he wants. I would like to say that, "I miss you" does not mean, "I want you back in my life". If you find him still confused after NC, move on. You will be wasting a lot of time then.
I want him to come back and stay for good so bad :/ I think i'm so stuck with him because he is my first love.Do you really find better people later in your life?
Yes, there are a lot of better people around. every time you fall in love you think this one is the one! This is how this love thing tricks the mind. I have been here on this site for a while. I have seen people 10-20 years older than me coming here! This means, I will also fall in love again in 10-20 years from now. Probably some of them are better. Time will make things easier to digest.
Hey guys, i need some quick advice right now, i just seen my ex because we had a meeting togheter. i was already avoiding her for around 2 weeks, we had some business conversation, but not on the most friendly way. at the end she just left without saying something and me to. would this have broken the no contact rule? or harmed my chances?
Thank you!
I don't think it ruined any chances since you didn't say anything about your relationship or anything that has to do with the break up!
Kevin,
Ill just say it here but i would still like to share my story via email if possible? The day we broke up i wrote some changes I would like to make in the future for our relationship should that ever happen and asked her if she would like to keep it and she said she would like to. I said I would make her a copy and email it to her. Well, I was going to send that in with the letter i will eventually be writing after NC but Im not sure if that sounds needy and like I am miserable without which is what im not supposed to say. We already have had 1.5 days NC and now im not sure if I should email it now and restart the process or what do you think? Thanks for your help.
Mike
Anyone?? Please help...
hey,
i'm sorry i didn't understand your story very well. but how long have you been in a relationship? how long have you been on NC? and why did you guys breakup?
if 1.5 days means 6 weeks,then wait another 2 weeks and then send her the letter.i think the letter shouldn't be about the changes you would like to make in the relationship.there is a form of the letter in kevin's article.i think that is a better idea.and you don't have to say anything about getting back together right after you contact her.get close to her then you can attract her again , show her the positive changes in yourself and be cool and confident.she doesn't have to feel any pressure.
Kevin,
I am in desperate need of some advice and would like to share my story with you via email. Is there anyway I could email it to you and you can let me know how to proceed with my dilemma? My email is [email-removed by moderator].
Thanks,
Mike
this is my first post on here I just read the article and that is exactly what me best friend told me to cause I was making all the mistakes list and this is the third day we have been split up so im goin to start no contact rite now.
I would like to add how it had ended with my ex it was totally out of the blue I went to work on the farm and came back an couple hours and all her stuff was gone all what was left was a tiny note the read thanks of everything you have given me but no thanks to the drama and B.S. Love u P.S. it is just hidden and I will let you know where in a few days and I have figured out what is hidden. The thing that would have given it away that she was not happen was couple days before she had said she wish we were more physical in the bedroom not angry or anything just casual talking I would like someone opionion on what I should do and maybe shed a light on what that note real means.
I'm confused as to why my posts aren't being posted!!!
Hi,
Please post any questions related to your breakup or your ex on the message boards.
But you didn't reply to it
Well, that's because I agree with what Dara replied.
So update since the weekend.
So I told her it was a good time for me to move on and that we can be friends in time. She instead sent me a picture of her dog and we joked about it. Next day at work talked In the Morning and it went silent until 330pm. She them sent me a song and we began talking again. We talked throughout most of the night, it got alittle emotional and I just told her to enjoy the weekend becuase of big plans she had. Come Saturday night, we talked while both of us were out, around 1130 she texts me to meet for a cigarette. Met at her place hung out and around 145 am I decided it was a good time to leave. We went out for another cigarette and as I was walking her back nj she asked if I wanted to watch more tv.
Long story short I spent the night with her and it was very passionate.
We've been talking all week. Hung out yesterday and had another emotional convo and she said the only thing she ever wanted from us when together was to be one another's best friend.
She the. Told me she "loves him" and that she is going away with him next weekend. I played it cool and it truly doesn't bother me. Been over a month and still have hope.
Any thoughts?
Thanks
DF
So my ex who broke up with me posted a song on facebook with a title saying missing you.What does it mean?
That's really a good sign for you.
Iss it? Yesterday we talked and he said that he doesn't feel the same for me anymore. Then why does he post this stuff ..?
Hi everyone!
Yes, it's me again. My ex (I will no longer call him ex, I'll use my friend). My friend and I have been talking on the phone, he misses me and thinks about me a lot he said. He said that he never lied when he confessed that he's never felt like this about a woman before despite having loads of relationship before me and that made me feel confident that what we had was real. He is my first love and first experience despite my age. So on the phone I told him I wanted to move back to the city and he said he's willing to help me if I need anything but that to 'live with each other and be room mates it's hardly possible because of our history and high level of attraction' lol... Then he said, he's not ready to be in a relationship because for the next year he wants to fully concentrate on his future by studying and getting a secured job before entering a relationship. I completely respect that in him that though he's still bit ill he's thinking differently for the first time in his life, his mother would be very happy too lol. I'm the same as well I want to concentrate on my future and studies this year. He said we could live together for a year and see where things go from there but I don't want to lie to you I find you extremely attractive and won't be able to be just a room mate. Question: Should I go to the big city live in a shared accommodation (not with him)? OR Should I go and stay with him because at least he's someone I trust fully and will share cost of everything? OR Should I stay where I am complete this course I'm doing, not go to the big city where I want to study my masters with him and then after I get a job and financial security, quit and then go there for good? Which is the most 'Right' option? Which is the most respectable option? Would I lose his respect (despite him saying he'll never disrespect me) if I lived with him and "tried" to be 'friends'? What should I do? I want to go live in the city but I want to do it right. Thanks heaps you guys are the best for helping me out, this isn't relationship issue it's more 'me' issue :( Love you all xx
Are you planning to drop your current course for him ?
How long is the current course you are doing ?
If it is of short duration try to complete it, if you can study better by moving in the other city then do it and not live with him as he said, but keep on meeting him, i guess he will only ask you to move in if you do so.
Hey Rihanna,
I think you should do whatever is best for your career. IF you decide to go to his city, it'll be better if you don't stay with him unless he is willing to commit. Being his roommate will just make things more complicated for you and you might fall into the trap of being needy and longing for his affection.
Oh, and head over to the message boards and register there if you haven't already. It's much easier to have a discussion over there and follow it.
Hi Rihanna, I think you should go to the city and live in shared accommodation - not with him - because that way you'll still get to see him and be friends. I'd be worried about moving into his place because what happens if either one of you decides to date? It's all well and good saying you're not going to date for a year to concentrate on study but what if one of you met someone or changed your mind about that in 6mths? Plus if you relocate your life and course for him, and then move into his place also, I'd be afraid that he has all the power, if you know what I mean...
But listen, I understand your predicament, I'd probably be on the first bus to the city if I was you, because I'd take the risk and hope we fall madly back in love again - and maybe you will - but for your own sanity you can have the best of both worlds if you live in shared accommodation (if you can afford it), close to his place (so you retain some independence) and that way you'll get to spend time with him but also put on the brakes if need be.
Thank you so much everyone! We texted for hours last night and he said that it's not a good idea to move in together because of feelings and attraction and he doesn't want to disrespect me by treating me like 'friend with benefits' and the fact we both might date and all the things you guys mentioned. He said that IF I move to the city he'll always be there for me but you're right Sinead I don't want to give him the power.
Anon, my course will end next July so in a year but if I want to change my course to go study my Masters there I might move early next year, IF I'm able to get a job in the field I'm doing without having to complete the entire course.
But thank you all for your advice I've taken it on board, I will NOT move in with him and as Kevin suggested 'not without commitment first'.
Kevin, I will register in the forum thank you :)
BTW, I was confused with our conversation last night. He was talking and reminiscing over intimate moments and I said to him 'sorry I don't talk to my friends that way,what do you want?' He said 'for now it's best to just communicate and in a year see where it goes. I don't want to promise anything in case we follow different paths' ... I'm confused with what he wants from me, he talks to me like a boyfriend but he doesn't want a relationship. What does it all mean?
Hi Rihanna,
Have you read relationship rewind? I think there's a section in it which advises how to move out of the friend zone (I think its in relationship rewind step 2). From what I can remember its basically telling you to drop 'bliss bombs' on your ex when your chatting, but from the sounds of it I think that's what your ex is doing to you rather than you doing it to him...
Hey Guys,
my story can be found here:
Any feedback you have could really help me a lot, and I would really appreciate it!
Hey Kevin or anyone that can help :(
What if they don’t contact you at all during the NC period? What should I do then?? I know she is dating another guy right now, so should I consider this relationship over??
Please help,
Jose
Hello Jose,
During NC period you're supposed to concentrate on yourself to be your best self possible eg: join the gym, get a better job, or buy new clothes and hair cut (just examples) and you should not worry about what she's doing during this period. My ex didn't contact me at ALL and went completely silent but after 30 days of NC I wrote him a letter and now we're talking again. In your case, I think the letter is necessary and in the letter make sure you write that you accept and respect the decision to break up but it would be a shame to lose each other as friends/ or that you're open for friendship something like that. Also, include something funny and something poignant,it will move her and awaken certain feelings within. Also, write 'I have something special to tell you and I can't wait to see you to share it cos I know you'll be happy for me' ... During NC take a new hobby that's not really you or do something that she likes and you haven't done but now you see her point of view..etc... this way 1- you'll have that something special to share 2- you'll show her that you're a changed person and for the better 3- you'll show her that you're open to new things hence a new relationship. But for now during NC concentrate on yourself and how to approach her in the letter. Good Luck! I hope it works for you as it did for me :)
It doesn't really matter if they contact you or not during no contact. You should contact them once no contact is over. No contact is mainly about you and not your ex.
Thank you Kevin and thank you also Rihanna. I really appreciate it
Hey jose, i'm in the same situation as you. my ex is dating my best friend now, happend only 1,5 weeks after our relationship ended. like kevin and rihanna our saying, just focus on yourself. i'm doing whatever i like, there is no one to stop you :) i'm improving myself and have an open attitude towards other girls now. offcourse i still hard times, but i wrote myself a little note with all the great changes i made. when i have trouble i just read it and think "it's her loss, not yours"
Goodluck jose keep up!
Thank you very much
Hi there! I've been reading some of the comments on here and I feel comfortable enough to post mine. Well here it goes:
My ex and I broke up about a month ago because of something stupid, we've talked a few times since then but she stopped all contact with me. So I texted her asking if we could hangout and talk, no response. So a few days later I come to find out that she's been posting on IG, Facebook and ect.. So I got a little pissed off and sent her a text expressing that, and deleted my social media apps. Now take in mind that I sent that text before reading you guide and now I feel pretty stupid for doing so now... It's been about a week since that text and I was hoping you could help me possible to come up with a solution to whether or not to write or letter or something or should I just keep no contact? Thanks if you read this!
-Ty
Keep no contact for 3 more weeks. Then get back in touch as mentioned in the article.
I have done months of nc and am not sure what to send in initial text, wouldn't it be strange to just say I remembered you....
No it won't. Use the template in the above article.
Anyone online ? I need some immediate help.
Here it goes in very short -
She texted me after my no contacted.
We talked for 4-5 days a lot.
She started talking less and to another guy so i got clingy. I asked that guy few things.
She said we can not even be friends.
I deleted my whatsapp. After 4-5 when i resumed whatsapp days she texted me saying that i should have not asked that guy things about her this is heights. I apologized for everything. She did not reply then. I deleted whatsapp again. She deleted for few hours and resumed.
Now she texted me saying sorry what she said.
I am thinking to ask what she is sorry for.
Should i do it immediately ? Its been 1 hour.
Help me not get anxious and clingy this time.
I texted her asking what is the sorry for but it went from a number she doesn't know, should i text from mine too or wait for reply ?
She didn't reply to my sms (sent from other number) so i installed whatsapp, she was online. Here is how the conversation went -
Me : Sorry for ?
She : Anything. Everything.
Me : I didn't mind anything.
She : Still!
Me : Hm don't b
She : OK :)
Me : :)
That is the convo we had.
What should be my next steps ?
Please respond. Darra, az, rihanna .
Hey Anon,
I'm glad you ended up talking and ending with a smiley face on both your sides, that's great news and positive :) . I think you should wait 2 days and send her a 'something remind me of you' text, make it fun and memorable and she'll respond again. Take things slowly and don't rush by being clingy cos you'll ruin everything. in 2 days send her a message. Good luck! :)
Thanks Rihanna,
The last time i was telling her about things she did not show much interest. But we were passing on funny pics. Should i start with it ? But she had denied being friends should i start the convo ?
Hi Edward,
My bf of 1 and a half year broke up with me just a week back. The reason he gave was that he wanted some space and time to think. But came to know that he was chatting with this girl already before a week. Later he told me that he likes this girl since they have same personality. She also just broke up with her bf 3 days back.
I am heart broken. I pleaded , begged amd tried everything but he was adamant.
I wanted to go for the nc rule but he keeps calling to ask about my well being. Please do let me know if this is a rebound relationship and also what do i need to tell him.
Hello everyone! So,i've written here many times since me and my ex boyfriend broke up.Long story short,he told me to break up,i did three months of no contact and since we bumped each other accidentally,he started talking to me and he said he wanted me back.I really loved him and wanted to give him another chance,so after many days of just "talking" and going "out" he asked for a second chance and i gave it to him.Of course,he promised me many things,and that he wouldn't hurt me again,and that he wanted to be with me so much.So we got together on 7/17/14 and before 3 days me messaged me on fb telling me he doesn't feel the same like he did before and basically he wanted to break up.I just answered him with a simple ok.I didn't react as nomal,i didn't call him or ask reasons etc. This is the second time he breaks up with me through fb.I think he got influenced by his older brother,they were together in a cafe with some other guys when he sent me that on fb,i think they have something to do with that too.He said i know you asked me many times if i was sure for what i wanted and i told you yes,but i was wrong and immature.Those days when we were together i did everything for both of us to be happy.The previous day before he told me to break up,we met and had an amazing time! I don't know what happened.And i'm thinking i should write him a goodbye love letter,thanking him for beeing in my life but it's time to move on. (i really wanted for us two to be happy together but he chose another path).Last night he liked my fb profile picture,and the day he asked me to break up,after some minutes when we broke up,he liked my previous profile picture.I don't know what's going on,we haven't talked in 3 days since we broke up.I want him to try badly to win me back but i don't think this is what he wants right now.PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS AND GUIDE OF WHAT I SHOULD DO! what do you think his reaction will be in a goodbye love letter? I already wrote it,it's full of love,there's no begging or telling him to come back,it's just a letter of pure love.Btw i'm 17 and he is 19.We've been together for a year and a half.
RD,
Im sorry to say but i guess this time it's really over. He tried but the feeling isnt the same. Everything has changed. I always think that ex lovers can get back together but at the right time. No 30 days or 6mos can really tell you that. It may be too early for you guys. I say focus on moving on. You got your second chance and there it goes. Goodluck!
RD,
I believe he is still confused and you still have chances but I would like to mention that when the number of breakups increase in a relationship, it shows that this relationship has some basic problem. I also admire you doing your best to keep both of you happy!
My suggestion is to wait for a week or two and then give him the "goodbye letter". I believe you reacted good by not begging him or calling him or things alike.
Best of luck!
My story: https://exbackpermanently.com/get-your-ex-back/comment-page/#comment-32855
So, I just found out that someone else (would be long distance as well) also likes her...But they also argued about little things and he threatened to delete her and not talk to her anymore over it although a little bit after that, he said something along the lines of "But I can still think about you" and something about "You know the way I think about you."
She shut him down when he said this and told him he'll just get hurt, but still...Also found out that her and the new guy don't skype as much as I thought they did. In fact, they hardly seem to skype at all and during the week, they don't seem to play any games much together either which only leaves them able to text each other which, unless she talks to me about it which I don't think she will anytime soon, I have no idea how much that goes on, but he basically sleeps while she is out of school and awake, and she goes to sleep shortly after he wakes up or maybe around the same time. Then, she gets up kind of early to play the game with him for a few hours before she goes to school and she's there basically all day for him. They basically only have the weekends. ^^
I'm really hopeful that these are good signs. Also, I just got another job which actually pays higher than my last one and is going even higher in a few months. I'm hoping to slowly work my way back into her life somehow after I work on myself some more and complete the NC period. Any advice on that? I really do love this girl and want her back. And even if I can't get her back immediately, I've decided that I'd really like to go there, see her in person somehow, and take her out for a fun night with just the two of us. Nothing even romantic if she doesn't want to. I want to show her that I'm not always just boring and that I'm not always serious and that I love her and that I love to have fun and putting her and fun together is basically my favorite thing in the whole entire world. It's not cheap to get there, and I have to find a way to get time off somehow, but I always find a way and she's worth it. I won't go until after her rebound relationship breaks apart, but I'd really like to go and spend some time with her afterwards. Any advice? Thanks guys.
I won't just go immediately after they break up. Just wanted to clarify that. I'd try to rebuild the attraction first obviously and go when we can both be free to spend time together.
Would a goodbye love letter make my ex miss me and want to get back with me?
Depends on the girl, how long you were together, and how long its been. It would also depend on what you put into the letter. If you write one that sounds really clingy, it'll probably just push her away whereas if you write one like Kevin gave an example of, it would work much better. Then again, thats not exactly a "goodbye letter". You'd have to leave more information for us to be able to give you better advice I think.
Hey everyone!
i would love some help..
I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. :( i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. :( but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance :(
What do you guys think?
One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i'm kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can't worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don't really want :(
Help wanted!
Lovisa :)
i just copied a old text i wrote last month, sorry if you misunderstand things, but we broke up for 2 months ago..
That's a tough one. You kinda "burned that bridge." You should change the way you act and show him that you've changed. I think though that since you guys live far apart, the best way to show him that you're changing is through instagram. You also have to show him that you can be happy with or without him (and you have to actually believe that you can, there's no faking.) You also might wanna do the NC fully, maybe give or take a few days if HE wants to talk to you and if you're ready to show him Lovisa v2.0.
He'll most likely be curious about why you're not contacting him, being that he said he did want to be with you, and because you usually did. Him being curious is good, and I know he might wonder now and then "Lovisa hasn't texted in a while, I wonder why." As for wanting to get straight into the relationship again, that's a BAD idea. Since you guys had problems in the first relationship, chances are that you're ex will be on high alert. You HAVE to be his friend first. That way you guys can probably escalate from a good friendship to a great relationship! Also, for the photo liking on instagram; I say let it be. It might leave him thinking a litttle. And you'll come off looking needy or desperate if you contact him.
So first change yourself and be happy by yourself.
Second, play the NC fully or 98% fully.
Third, show him how you're doing by posting pictures on instagram of you having fun (this might also make him miss you and think of the good times you guys had.)
Fourth, after the NC is over; try striking up a conversation in TEXT. (No calling just yet, unfortunately.) Ask him how he's been doing or if he's been anywhere fun, stuff like that. WARNING: Yes, you will be tempted, you'll bang your head in fustration but DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT ask him for a second chance. (Your time will come. "Good things come to those who wait.") Instead, act casual and act like you guys didn't go out in the first place, just treat him like an old friend that you haven't seen in awhile.
^^^^^^^^^ You will want to space out your conversations a bit in the beginning and slowly make your conversations regular -- remember to be patient --
By this stage you guys will be close again and this is the time to ask him out. (DON'T ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE!) Just ask him out casually if he wants to hang out sometime or watch a movie, something like that (your preference)
^^^^ Ok so that happens and he probably said yes to the date (being that he sees you're a changed person and all) Now you're gonna wanna bring down your sales pitch on him, and, like I said, don't ask for a second chance (just act like the first never happened) I'm sure he won't resist at this point =)
I am actually going through the same thing you're going through, and so far I've been doing what I'm telling you to do and me and my ex gf are already friends again, and we're getting closer little by little (patience *sigh* -_- )and it's been almost 3 months since we broke up (patience I tell you! *sigh* killmenow lol :D) but yes, it'll take some time. All you need is just patience.
Sorry this was long, but hey, youaskedforit =)
Tell me how it goes! =))))
Hey Austin! thaaanks alot for the advices! it really got me thinking, that i have to get over him, the relationship and just be happy. Weeell.. I'm kinda happy, but still thinking about him and everything he told me in the past. It's something special with him, even after the first day we met, he told me that he felt it was something special with me, and he told me, ' i just want to find the perfect one and just be with her, i think you are the one for me, because my feelings about you is so strong even if this is the first time i meet you' and like i wrote in the past texts, he is a really honest and calm guy..
I'm so sorry that we're going through something similar! It's not fun, but as you said, patienceee.. haha :)
I want to contact him, but i'm afraid it's too early.. and i know i have to feel 100% sure about contacting him before i do that! and my friends is telling me to talk to him if i want him back, they mean be friends with him.. they're telling me that he maybe gets into another relationship if i wait to long, but the fact is, he means sooo much to me.. so i would be happy if he's happy. I don't know what to do about it, i'm not over him, therefore not contacting him, but still, my friends tell me to write to him, they know us together, we were like meant for eachother.. :(
He never gave up on me until he reached his breakingpoint, and i don't know if i've screwed all my chances of getting back with him, even if he told me like the first day, that he wanted this to last forever :(
But i'm gonna be calm about this, have patience, and then write to him, when i feel secure about it.
Thanks alot Austin! you helped me big time! :)
I have been making alot of progress with my life but I have been smothering my ex and going back and forth from being mean and just straight up breaking down in front of her for almost three weeks. We were together for three years and talking about marriage a lot so I don't know if it is too late but I really like this article. Since I have been basically a pussy about the whole thing do you think I should wait longer to contact her? Because I like myself but I'm also miserable its a weird combo.
There's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Hey Kevin, the mother of my daughter and I were off and on throughout our 2 and a half year relationship. She broke up with me one night and I had enough, so I went out and slept with another woman. That was the advice that was given to me, to go out and stop playing my exes break up games over and over again. I lost my ex about 5 months ago, and am in shambles because I truly love her a lot. She is dating some other guy now and I just want her back. I am so confused, because I have tried no contact but it is hard for me. After all that has happened throughout our 2 and a half years I am so confused because I want us to work so bad, can you give me some insight please, and thank you!
Follow the plan Andrew.
Hey everyone,
I thought I would give a little update on how I'm doing personally. My ex and I haven't spoke to each other in almost a month since he last said some hurtful things to me and threatened to block me if I ever texted him again. I've been doing a lot better. I've completely stopped looking at the Facebook/twitter/Instagram pages of the girl he left me for, and I've been going out a lot more and having fun.
I met with my ex's parents at the beginning of July and we talked about everything. His mom told me that after his weekend at the cottage he came back and told his mom that he had a "friend" he wanted her to meet. Of course his mom was shocked because my ex told her the reason he broke up with me was because he wanted to focus on hockey (a lie), so his mom asked him what he was doing and said that she didn't want to meet her because I had been part of their family for 8 years (we were close friends before we started dating for the 6 years) and said I always will be part of the family. She also mentioned that she's hurting from everything as well, so of course my ex got mad. But it secretly made me happy his mom said she didn't want to meet her haha! I found out from his mom that my ex has lied to me about money he borrowed from me, and how his parents always told him that he should take me on vacation and they would pay but he would always say no, knowing how badly I wanted to. His mom said to me, that after everything I did for him throughout the six and a half years, and how supportive I was with his hockey going to every game every weekend, she asked what did he ever do for me. I sat there and couldn't think of anything. It was always me giving and him taking. His own mother said to me "this is my son I'm talking about, but you deserve so much better. To be treated like a princess." So that opened up my eyes a LOT! We both agreed that he's going through something weird. He's not the same person he was a few months ago. Although it still hurts because we were together for so long and I had such strong feelings for him and 100 percent saw my future with him, I'm starting to realize that maybe getting back together isn't the best thing for me. Once things with this girl and my ex fall apart (which it will), I honestly don't know what I will do if my ex comes running back to me. I may just say it's too late.
My boyfriend broke up with me before 2 days,but he liked my facebook profile picture tonight and some hours after we broke up,he liked my previous profile(last time we broke up he deleted me from fb). Did he do it over guilt or what?
Hi RD,
I doubt that he'll like your picture out of guilt. He might be missing you or wants to be friends or he just likes your pic. Whatever the reason he's still in your life and attracted to you. So play your cards right and you'll find him in your arms again :) Good luck!
Hi Kevin, I registered for the forums two hours ago, but I've not received the confirmation email yet. Please can you help? Or am I just being impatient? :)
Thanks, C
Hey Chloe,
Sorry about that. Please check in your spam folder.
Also, if you don't find it there, you can register again using a different email address. This time, you won't have to wait for an email. You can choose your password while registering.
Thanks Kevin, it's worked!
The message boards are live. If you have any questions, please post them in the forums instead of the comment section here. :)
I posted here under the names Esther and Philippa. I was the 21 year old girl with a 26 year old ex. Our relationship was very yo-yo. Still, Kevin advised me to wait 2-3 months. Even when I spoke to him, he continued threatening to call the police. Plus I got blocked everywhere.
Here's an update:
After some months, I woke up and I was okay. I made it to 40 days of NC. My thinking is the clearest it has been for years.
I decided to write him a five page long letter. In it, I discussed everything he did which bothered me. There was literally a laundry list of shortcomings. And seeing all that made me realize nothing about 26 had been good enough for me to stay.
Relationships are unhealthy. I grew so stressed out I ended up in an Urgent Care four times in three months. I took antidepressants until they gave me an allergic reaction. If he's mad, IDC. I gave him plenty of chances to talk to me. I even tried to talk to 26. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
I told him I was travelling. I'm trying to teach abroad. One of his lifelong dreams was to get married and have children. His mother is also pushing for that. So yeah, I don't see us getting back together. It didn't hurt as much as I thought. I feel free, relieved and learned quite a bit. Thanks for the help.
Hi Esther,
It's good to see that you're okay. If he's threatened to call the police that time, he porbably couldn't handle the way you were after break up. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but perhaps you and him weren't compatible. I'm sure that one day you will find someone, just treat and love yourself better. Be happy, I'm glad to see that you are headin towards your goals.
Actually people warned me he was done, just too nice to say it. Usually you don't talk that way unless you want to dump someone permanently. He had mentioned all the same things.
And yeah, it's freeing. I don't miss the confinement of being in relationships.
Hey guys, i'm 21.
During my no contact rule, my ex ( boy who is 18 , was in relationship with me for over 3 years) contact me with cabled ph. I don't hold his ph on my hand ph. That's why he call my cabled ph. My cabled ph doesn't support for incoming number. So, I accidently talked with him . But I talked with limit . Don't let him ask about my personal . He told me that he miss me alot and he haven't never ever felt like this before for a woman. I acted lite i don't care. But he still doesn't seem like he want to break up with his current gf. What should i do now ? Guys, i really need your advice. Don't ignore me plz.
Hi Khine,
You were with him for 3 years, he is probably in a rebound relationship. Start NC and he will miss you. If he contacts you, keep doing NC until 30 days then ask him to hangout. Dont worry about the other girl, if he loves you he will come back.
GUYS!
because of az i texted my ex and guess what she responded it goes like this.
Me: are you up?
X: yes why?
M: how are you?
X: im fine thankyou, haha. let me guess you have nothing to do?
M: hmm, im waiting for th shuttle. Hows dentistry proper? Are you managing it properly?
X: my god. Next question please.
M: hahaha! It haant even been a month yet! Btw i passes by your family house yesterday and its under renovation. What happened?
X: like they said, it already feels like 2yrs of predent. Its nothing theyre just doing something on the house.
M: then i think you need to be a bit more studious haha. I thought that the storm destroyed your house. Anyway the shuttle is here i have to go. Its good that we can be just friends. Goodluck!
Thats how it went. What do you guys think? Lol. I was hapyy she responded haha.
Daniel,
I am happy that she responded! That's the biggest thing! Its also good that she thinks you contact her when you have nothing else to do! ha ha ha... Yet, it's not good for relationship but its good for someone whose passed the Death Door! I also like the way you cut off the texting! Goog job! Let not think about it anymore! ;)
Dara,
Idk why but it didn't give me a reply button for your last comment.
I understand that liking her pictures may be bad because of what you said but what if she's liking mine as well? Does that mean she's feeling the same way I'm feeling? Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Also, I honestly think that, based on what you said before, I will not try to get in contact with her but rather just wait until later on during the semester to potentially reach out to her. I just really don't want to mess up and get myself friend-zoned or get taken for granted. Thank you for the advice so far I really appreciate it.
Don't like her pictures! The trick is that you are showing that you are strong enough to drift. Losing a stronger partner is more annoying than losing a weaker one. Take it as a challenge (just like when you did by saying you prefer breakup over open relationship). She won't forget you so soon! It will take her at least 3 months. However, keep posting pictures! It will make her miss you even if she stop liking them.
I personally don't like the idea of waiting for at least a semester. There is no guarantee for her coming back even if you spend that time. That's too much dude!
Dara,
I will take your advice about the pictures! I won't like any of hers but I'll keep posting my own.
And no that's not what I meant! That's just what she said. I'm actually thinking of waiting 60 days instead of the regular 30 day NC period because I believe (and if I'm wrong in thinking this please tell me) that that should give her enough time to have already settled into her new college life and perhaps even be tired of it already. If I am wrong for thinking this, please tell me. Is that a good amount of time? Or maybe a little less? I want to take the best course of action as we will both be going to school around the same time however we won't be going to the same school.
M,
How far will be your schools? If its going be really far, it will become hard to re-establish the relationship that you had (though never impossible).
I think 60 days is okay.
Dara,
Our school's are about 2.5 hours away from each other. It's actually the same distance that it takes me to get home and closer to me than her house even. Before, I was already going back home to see her almost every weekend. The distance didn't affect me much. I just couldn't see her every day.
And good, I'm glad you think 60 days is fine.
Hey M,
It seems like you two broke up because you didn't want to be with her because she's going to college. If you love her and want to be with her eventually, then what is the reason not to be in a relationship with her? It's not fair that you dont wanta relationship with her and expect her to wait for you. She still likes you so if you did contact her, I'm sure it wont be hard to get back. Figure out your reason why you believe it wouldn't work when you broke up. Talk to her about it and figure it out, communication is important.
Edward,
No that is not the reason why I broke up with her at all! I love her more than anything and it broke my heart when she wanted to try an open relationship. Like I completely understood why. I've been her first everything so she has nothing to compare me to. Yeah I get that but at the same time shouldn't she love me enough to just want to be with me and only me? I told her maybe if this had been towards the beginning of our relationship I would've been okay with the idea, but we were so far down the road that there's no way I could even bare the thought of possibly sharing her with other guys. Yes I would have that same freedom with other girls but I didn't want that. I only want her. That is why I decided it best to break up with her. I know those types of relationships never really work out.
I want her to see for herself and realize (and I really don't mean to be cocky in any way) that I am the best guy for her. I honestly wish it never came down to what it is right now..I never wanted to break up.
I see, M, I think you have to give her some space to figure it out. I know this sucks and is unfair to you, but sometimes the way youlove her isnt the same as the way she loves you. Give her time and space to explore and she will realize what she has lost. You don't have to wait for her to make up her mind either, I know you want her right now but it's hard because she wants to see other guys. If you two have been together for 2 yrs, your bonds are much stronger than those other guys, she will come back very soon. Keep being friendly and cool.
Edward,
Well we had been together a little over 10 months, but we were way past the honeymoon stage as well as the "I love you"s (she said it first).
Thank you for your input. Like I said, I will continue on living my life, bettering myself for me. And perhaps when the time is right I will reach out to her, or she'll reach out to me. But I know she has things she needs to go through and experience. "A life having felt no pain is not a life worth living."
I already started following Dara's advice. She posted a selfie yesterday and I didn't like it and will continue not doing so. I do want her to think that she's lost me completely and hopefully that triggers something in her mind that helps her realize what she's lost.
M,
There might be some hidden reasons for the breakup. I am worried that this distance has made her think about the breakup. For example, when we were in good terms, my ex would call me and ask me to go to her house right at the moment! If I didn't for any reason it would upset her! Maybe some of your ex's friends have told her that when she goes to college she can find boyfriends right next to her dorm/apartment doorsteps.
I also believe that she already wanted to breakup with you but since she never had any breakup experience she took it slow by saying that she wants open relationship. Some girls take this approach.
Though I admire your confidence but be ready for the worst case scenario too! I believe now you are in right track in increasing the chance of getting your ex back!
Best of luck!
Dara,
Thank you so much for all your advice and your optimism. I will carry on and hopefully I can post back with some better news.
As for now I will continue with NC for those 60 days and will stop liking her pictures while posting my own. I am willing to do whatever it takes to move on, be ready for the worst, and eventually win her back.
M,
You're welcome! I think I will come on this site less often from now but feel free to share your thoughts if they annoy you!
Best of luck!
Hi All,
Festival David here
Sorry I aint read any comments or posted yet, Ive only just got back from my trip and I have yet to go sleep! haha Wayyy too much drinking!
Im still going to visit this site and post a few times but probably not as much now :(
I went on my trip and my ex text me arguing with me coz I "ignored" her messages (because I hadnt turned my phone on)...anyways this started an argument again and then cooled off and it went weird.
So anyways, Kinda like A.z's comment below...I thought enough is enough. this False Friendship isnt working as planned because although I can and have shown that I can do the false friendship...its not working from her Side...She argues with me If I dont text back or say/do something she doesnt like....Whilst at the same time she is happily carrying on with her life and meeting this other guy. She will arrange to meet me, but then cancel to go with this other guy, she only texts me when i dont text her etc
Basically she gets angry with me...but then carries on seeing this other guy and I just dont think I want that at all.
So after her arguing with me whilst on holiday and I basucally text her asking her WHY she is arguing with me and always having a go at me...we got down to the conversation which was in her words "Im perceiving her wrong, she wants to be friends but its just awkward because we have been involved"
She said "I think we should cool things for a bit"
I said "Yeah me too"
Then she started getting angry and everything again, swearing, telling me Its all my fault etc, that I "piss her off"...All I did was agree with her about cooling it off..how does that piss her off?
So in the end, I just said "look, im cool with been friends, but you are not, I wanted to get back together, you didnt, so now we are in this situation, its not your fault or my fault, but I cant change or make the situation any better and you know that"
she sent more nasty stuff etc but tbh Im just going to ignore her now.
I even brought up and asked her why she doesnt speak to me for 1 week, but then sends a text saying "Its weird not talking to you".....If she finds it weird, then thats her problem....She doesnt want to be together, she keeps saying "we both need to move on and get over each other"
So thats what im doing now, im past it.....just going to ignore her and maybe ill have an update in a few weeks but I hope not tbh
keep strong guys and gals :)
x
Hi Daniel,
It sounds like you feel so much better without your ex.
My situation is a little like yours, it's been really confusing for me. I think that when we say 'I still love you' to our exes (without pressure or expectation from our side) that there must be some high expectation from our exes for us to behave like we're back in a relationship with them, except that in reality we're not, because we want our exes to take the decision to want to get back together, right?
After a couple of days of 'cooling' down and looking over the text chat with my ex, he said 'there's no point of saying I love you when you don't behave that way' - I'm actually thinking if my ex was expecting me to show how much I love him, and yet he said he still loves me but felt confused (on two occasions), so I backed off and gave him space and said no pressure from both our sides. So now I'm scratching my head and wonder if it's a good idea to write him an email to explain the reasoning behind my backing off, except he may not perceive it that way.
Or just do NC for a month or so and make a decision as to whether it's worth it.
I hate not being able to talk over the phone or face to face about these things, like adults. It's frustrating.
Okay, waffle over :)
i truly understand you david,i hope everything gets better soon.i can't really give you a good advise cuz i'm kinda dealing with the same situation.but i think its not over and she will contact you.
Welcome back! hope you enjoyed yourself as well...
Well, when girls SAY 'we need to move on' instead of DO 'we need to move on', you still have a chance my friend :)
Dear kevin,Dara,Edward,daniel,Festival David , Raed and Rihanna,
I've left a few comments before but maybe they were too long?
My girlfriend is 17 and I'm 21. We've been together for a little over 10 months. She's about to enter college and asked if I would be willing to try an open relationship. I said no and broke up with her because I know I could not handle doing that and I believe that those things don't work. I believe I did the right thing but I still very much love her and want her back eventually.
I do kind of want her to see that there's really nothing to see out there. She texted me a few hours after I broke up with her and then the next day as well. I wish I would've stopped the conversation before I gave into my feelings and told her just how much I love her. I told her I love her with all my heart and she replied with I love you more than anything.
That was almost 2 weeks ago.
I guess that's when we indirectly started the NC period because we have not talked since. My questions are:
I know I should contact her for at least a month but we have a month left of summer before we both go to school. Should I try to contact her right before we both go back? Or should I wait longer to contact her as she will probably be too distracted by her new college life? Also, what should I do if she tries to contact me before then? What if she just says "hi" or "I miss you"?
I have a feeling that I know this isn't over because she told me she could see us being together forever and that she loves me so much and just wants to try doing her own thing for a semester or so. I'm not putting a time limit on it but I do very much want her back.
M,
Plan is like this: You do no contact for 30 days. You write a letter to her on 30th day. If she reply you, reply her and start a conversations. If she does not reply you (which is less likely in your case), don't worry follow her with a text message after a week. So you will be text her a week before her school starts. I think a week before the first college like is really exciting and she will probably text you back and have conversations on it!
For now, ignore her. I she was too consistent in sending you texts, tell her that you both still need some time and space to see what you want out of your life.
Best of luck!
Dara,
Are you sure about the letter? And what should it say exactly? (in my particular situation) Also, wouldn't it be better if I just not try to contact her at all and just wait for her to contact me? Or at least wait until another month has passed and she just already settled and gotten used to her new college life? I say this just because I don't want to start talking to her and her just friend-zone me or think that she still has me and hasn't lost me so then she takes me for granted. I want her to see that college is great and all but it gets old after the beginning excitement (at least it did for me) and I want her to realize that what she wants is what we had, and for her to come back to me.
M,
Ideally, it's best that she contact you. If you believe she will contact you, wait for it. You can skip the letter. Its up to you. Its basic structure is up there in the article. I believe it will take a normal person at least one semester to realize that school is not "extra-terrestrial"!
Dara,
Exactly! And honestly that's all I'm waiting for. That's what she said herself. She just wanted to try an open relationship (although I said no and broke up with her) for at least a semester and then see what happens and take it from there.
I also had a question about social media:
She hasn't de-friended/untagged/blocked me on anything and neither have I. We still follow each other and she's still continued liking the pictures I've been putting up on instagram and I've been doing the same back. Should I continue doing that? Does it mean anything?
Oh oh! Don't like her pictures M! By doing so you show her that you are there! Apart from working on yourself, the goal of NC is to show your partner that they may lose you totally.
My instinct says that doing no contact but liking her picture is not good. In this way you let her gradually take some distance from you. Let her miss you but don't show your affections to her!
Hi M,
I agree with Dara, follow the plan and you have a good chance with each other. she said 'I love you more than anything' put that to the test, and the only way to do that is to follow the steps and see where it would lead. It's weird that someone would say 'I love you' then, request an open relationship but she might be young and wants to explore.
Hi, M!
I agree with what the oldies said. Lol
Do no contact.
I think she loves you because she said it herself, maybe she just wants some space because it is a big adjustment to go to college. Maybe she just wants to lie low a little. Give her the space she needs to figure things out. Don't act needy and desperate. And do NC.
Dear kevin,Dara,Edward,daniel,Festival David , Raed and Rihanna,
Dara as you know,i was having a really hard emotional situation these last 2 days.and i kept thinking that trying until the deadline is making me weaker every second.i couldn't really handle any more pain.i was thinking that its been 5 months and i never showed him my emotions and when he did,i just ignored him.i was kinda tired of so much ego in one relationship.and i thought if mind games could bring him back,he would have been back by now.so i decided to tell him how i really feel.i texted him and said: are you up?
he said yes.
i said: can i ask you something?,he replied sure.
i said:can you forgive me for whatever i have done to you? he replied of course i forgive you.
i said: i want you to know that i love you,it hurts me so much when i feel guilty for ruining everything between us,i have tried to change and i am really changing but when you say you can't forget about the past,it makes me feel frustrated but i need you to forgive me so i can feel better.
he replied: i forgave you :***************
i said: help me so i can live without you,i have been trying to forget you but when you are always in my life,its impossible.
he replied: thats what i have been trying but its impossible to forget you.
i said: the stronger one should stop this.i tried but it didn't work.please let us finish this.
he replied: i can't
i said: i never wanted you to know how i feel for you,but i'm telling you now that my feelings for you never changed,i miss you and it still hurts .i have never lied about my love for you, i tried to hide it for a while but its still there.
he replied: i love you too and i have never lied about my feelings.i don't want you to be hurt:***** .
i said:i know there will be days that i'm gonna miss you so much but even if i call or text or anything don't answer it.let it be over.
he replied:please let me see you
i said: it only makes it harder.
he said:i'm saying please,you have as much asa time you need but i want you to give me a chance to see you.
i said: ok.
he said: don't do this to me,suddenly cutting me out of your life,i can't handle it:****
i said:it was your choice to get back or not so my situation is worse than yours.
he said: tell me whenever you are ready.
again he didn't say anything about getting back.but now i feel really better.i was so tired of playing mind games and now that i told him how i feel,i'm good.
what do you guys think? do i have to meet him? and i'm sure if its the last time,it is absolutely gonna end up having sex. and now i'm sure that my behavior was not his only problem,he has some family issues and he can't say that to me cuz he feels bad because he promised to make things work like 1000 times and he was the one who has always been talking about marriage.
what do you guys think?
Hi a.z.,
I could feel how bad you feel in last couple of days! The biggest achievement of your conversation was that you don't feel bad at least now! That's great!
I think you did a good job! I truly understand that you want to hear the idea of getting back from him but maybe he wants to convey it indirectly by saying I want to meet you or stuff like that. I have an idea. When you meet this time have fun as if there was no issues among you but at the end of the meeting give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you have been waiting for him to take a step towards a new relationship but you have not seen him doing so. Tell him that 5 months is too much and he should make his mind clear what he wants.
a.z., there are some men who talk about marriage to keep the girl in their life but don't take any step towards it. Maybe you have to assume that he did not really mean it. Anyway, I believe 5 months have been enough for him to conclude what he want from life. I think this ultimatum is not a bad idea. The way your conversation went on, this ultimatum really fits the ending.
This was my idea and I am also looking forward to see what other guys recommend!
Best of luck a.z.!
Hi a.z.
Give him a chance to see you, maybe he wants to say he wants to get back to you in person. You don't have to have sex with him just because you two are hanging out or meeting for the first time in a while. I think a lot has changed, it's good to let it out, your true feelings. I know it made me feel better when I did because you know you've given it all already and if he doesn't see that, then it's his loss and you deserve better. I know that if you do get back with him, your relationship will be stronger than before because we know you've grown so much through break up and in these 5 months. Good luck a.z. keep us updated!
Az,
Well, because of you're story i kinda want to text my ex the same thing lol. But im not sure. Anyway, go meet him, stay positive even if you guys have a heart to heart concersation. And don't end up having sex please. Really. It would give him the power. Goodluck!
Thank you very much,you are right.i'm really glad to have you guys here.
ok so i'm gonna meet him and have a lot of fun and show him the positive changes and in the end i'm gonna talk about our breakup and see what happens.i said before that he knows me better than anyone.i'm sure all of those days that i'd been playing mind games he knew exactly what i was doing and now he is sure that i'm done with this story and i really want to move on and this means that if he doesn't want to get back with me,its gonna be the last time we ever talk or meet each each other.
i need some time before i meet him.i need to work on my emotions and accept that this might be the last time otherwise, i will start crying from the last moment i start to talk about the breakup and this is the last thing i want in the world.
i already know what will happen that day,he will start to cry saying i love you then i will have like 100 questions on my mind like if you love me,so why the helll don't you say anything about getting back?lol
i will stay positive and do my best that day.i feel good but i hope i didn't make things worse by saying those things.
and guys i don't want to lie to you.but if thats supposed to be the last time,i will have sex with him.i mean,then i will be moving on anyway.
a.z.,
I personally don't find it really wrong to have sex. I believe if he really loves you it will rekindle emotions in him. If you are not those kind of girls who think having sex is a loss, then go for it. Enjoy it! Then, give him the ultimatum to decide! Great! Follow you plan! Best of luck!
thank you very much Dara!
There was no "reply" button so:
…I forgot a really important thing.
I was his first girlfriend and he was mine first boyfriend.
He’s not the kind of guy that let others sees his feelings, he always put on the “tough guy” mode. He is really stubborn and sometimes a bit thick about other people feelings (he doesn’t mean any harm, it’s just the way he is ) in fact I was surprised when he had tears in his eyes when he was breaking up with me…I mean that should be a good sign…?
DOES THE NC WORK ON THIS KIND OF PEOPLE?
That sound almost that he was a bad person…that could not be more wrong, yes he has his flaws, but he is a honest,caring (in his special way),strongest , blockhead person I’ve ever known. He could make me mad to the extreme but just a stupid joke from him and I could do nothing but laugh…
Around February he asked me out for a drink, but in fact he wanted to talk about how we needed to work on ourselves physically (we both didn’t work on our body from sometime) so we could be more happy about eachother. After that I started to work out and the results made us both happy…then after months,when the stress hit, everything started to go downhill without me noticing how bad the situation was in his eyes between the plans we made and everything else.
Hey Guilia,
My ex and I were first too, and she is also shy about her feelings. I do know NC works because by giving each other time and space, you two can learn from your mistakes and improve yourself. It's good to see that you have a reason to get back with him and see that he has flaws too, not just you. Give it some time and I'm sure everything is going to be alright.
Thank you so much Edward!
your words fill me with with hope and courage!
I still swing between the "I can do it!,we'll be together again" and "omg it seems so impossible to make him want me again" but I want to be as much positive as I can.
After these terrible days and weeks I've already changed so much that at the end of the NC I'll be a completely new girl.
I've talked about this plan of mine to two really good friends of mine and they support me 100%, I spend most of my times with them now and they'll distract me during the NC.
When I'll feel down for some reason I'll know that here ,there's always someone who'll listen to my rant.
thank you
Hi Everyone,
So it's been a week since my last post and I guess I just needed to feel amongst people going thru the same situation. I feel sad and feel like I'm losing hope! I don't know what to do. My ex and I hung out again this past weekend. We had a few drinks, watched tv and caught up since he was away for business. It's been happening pretty frequently after the NC period ended. We always have a great time and he texted me today saying "thanks for stopping by it was fun" sounds great right? Well Here's my problem, about 85% of the communication comes from my side. He did keep in contact when he was away texting and even facetimed me so I could watch a baseball game he was at. Also, and more importantly, he is still seeing someone but he hasn't said anything to me about it. He actually denied he's dating anyone when it came up in conversation. I don't understand why. I don't want to get stuck in the friend zone! I don't know how to move on towards a romantic relationship. I feel a connection and I know if I tried becoming physical it would happen but I don't want to be a friend with benefits since we made it clear when we first started hanging out that we were going to be just friends. Maybe I'm rushing things a bit too much since it's only been about a month since we started talking again and hanging out as friends. I'm
Just so confused right now! Anyone here understand what I'm going thru? Any advise?
Hi Rosalyn,
Let him know that you can't be just friends. Let him know that you want to have a relationship with him, it will clear the confusion. If he doesn't approve, then there's no need to get physical. If this has been going on for a while and he never mentioned about getting back together in a relationship with you, I think it's important that you two talk about this matter if you plan on getting back together.
I think that since we've been hanging out and I see how well we get along and how good things could be for us I'm just becoming too impatient too quickly. It's only been a month since we started hanging out after NC and he is still seeing this other girl even though he says he is not. I don't know why maybe it's because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or he thinks that I won't be around if he admits that he's been seeing someone but it's weird to me that he won't say anything. I think that it's too soon and as long as he's still seeing this other girl if I say something about wanting more than a friendship I'm afraid it'll backfire and I'll lose my chances and damage all the work I've done. What do you guys think? I'm just wondering if anyone had any ideas as to why he won't admit he's dating someone else.
Thereare many reasons why our ex doesn't tell us that they are dating. It could be that he doesn't want to hurt you or that he isn't ready to move on yey or that he still wants to be with you. You have to let your true feelings out, and if it backfires then so what? Do you want to live your life with the friends and benefits thting while hiding your true feelings? Anyday he can leave you and tell you that you weren't in a relationship with him. That's why I think you should tell him the truth.
Hello Everyone,
This building a "false friendship" deal came so easy but it is a little harder emotionally than I was expecting. I think I'll just back off and go into NC for a while again. I did so good the first time around and really worked on myself but now that I'm around him and we are hanging out frequently all of these feelings I had for him came back double fold reassuring me that I want him back and I've lost focus. I'm just so confused right now.
Here's my story: https://exbackpermanently.com/get-your-ex-back/comment-page/#comment-31498
So I basically just read back through the last conversation we last had and now I'm a train wreck of emotions again. The things she said hurt me in a way that I can't even explain and I'm far from understanding. She basically told me that the whole relationship was a mistake on her part and that she basically regrets it all and only was with me because I paid attention to her.
This is the girl who, less than a month before that, had been wanting to marry me and be with me forever. Reading over that hurt me like I never knew was possible and then at the end basically accused me of calling her a liar and told me that I made her look like a bad person because I didn't explain something to someone else in a way that she would have. Tbh, I think more than anything, I need 1. explaination because I don't understand at all 2. need someone to talk to, maybe send this coversation to so that they know what happened and can maybe help me understand it, and 3. a shoulder to cry on which is something I've never needed in my entire life. I've always been the one to have the shoulder to cry on, but wow I'm wrecked emotionally. Is there any way anyone can talk to me and I can send this conversation to and help me understand because I want this girl back, but she really seems to not give two shits about me and is only interested in this new guy and I'm in tears like I haven't been in a long time. Please help. Idk if we're allowed to email each other or skype or w/e, but I need someone to talk to because I'm really, really hurting right now.
Hey. You don't need an explanation. Closure is not really necessary. You will just tire yourself out trying to understand all the reasons and finding explanation. It will only drive you crazy.
I also think the bad things she is saying is because she wants to push you away. Its a wreck. Shes trying to hurt you so you would leave her alone. Take time. Use NC again to heal. I say dump her. It's too much. You should be prepared for anything because one negative feedback can get you back on square one and a whole new pain all over again. Sometimes it's better to give up hope so you dont get disappointed or hurt. Goodluck man!
I figured she said some of those things to hurt me and try making me get over her, but she seems to really not care and just be happy with this new guy. And I'm still in NC. This conversation happened like 3 weeks ago. I just read back through it. I'm taking Kevin's advice and doing 2 months of NC before I contact her, but she told me that if I saw the way her and this new guy were, I would understand, but I don't have to be there to witness it to know that the way they are now, while on their honeymoon stage, is the way she and I were for over a year and a half. It's not that our honeymoon stage didn't pass, but we kept our relationship healthy and alive and happy given the circumstances of being nearly 9000 miles apart. We skyped with video chat every night, we talked on the phone every night, we text each other throughout the day whenever we felt like talking to each other which was alot, she always craved my attention and did cute things to get it if I didn't give it to her when she craved it.
She also said that she regrets the whole relationship even though because of our relationship, she's not only the person she is today, but she's also alive. I can't say for sure that she wouldn't be if we'd never met or dated, but its a very real possibility. She also stopped hurting herself physically (I took care of her mentally and emotionally (especially since it was impossible for me to do so physically)) because of our relationship and because she (at least said) she loved me and hated knowing that her hurting herself and having suicidal thoughts hurt me just as much, if not more.
The reason I want an explanation is because I want to understand what went wrong. I don't have the money for RR or anything like that sadly and I don't think it would answer the question anyway. I'm not someone who easily gets over something like this. I've taken deaths in the family much, much better than this and got over them, but this is something that has shaken me to my very core because less than a month earlier, she wanted to get married to me, etc and even bought me a ring with our anniversary date engraved into it for my birthday which was less than 3 weeks before she broke up with me. I just don't understand it at all. Everything seemed to be going great, then a few weeks of being kind of cold and distant (I thought she just needed some space so I gave her space) later, she breaks up with me and is with this new guy 2 days later, happy as can be. This new guy is someone we've known for a couple of months maybe and she talked to him more than I did, but I thought they were just friends until I started suspecting he was trying to make a move on her (which obviously worked) while in those few weeks of her being distant.
I don't understand how she can just forget about over a year and a half, destroy me emotionally, get into a relationship with someone she barely knows, and be so content and happy with all of that to act like nothing happened at all and even make plans to meet him in like 5 months...
Dara, a.z., Edward, and daniel, and everyone
even though me and my ex have been broken up for a month could he still be in a rebound relationship? Or is all my hope lost?
It's possibly a rebound relationship. Be cool and taje it easy. :)
Daniel,
idk I still feel like my hope is lost. I mean sometimes I think moving on and finding someone else would be better. I feel like a rollar coaster
yes,its more probably a rebound.and whatever you feel is normal.go on dates.that makes you feel better.live your life and be cool about everything.and during NC you should work on yourself and make any positive changes you can in your life.
k.w.,
No one can guarantee if he is in a rebound relationship or not but probably it is a rebound. What I have understood is that you have to really move on to have your ex back! That contradicts right? Yet, its true! As a.z. said go on dates! First ones are really hard but it will help you a lot. Love yourself and he will get attracted to you!
Best of luck!
Hey k.w.
It is realistically possible to get your ex back. I know that it feels like all hope is gone because you are currently in a break up. You two been together for about 2 years now, it won't be easy forgetting all the memories that both of you shared. Don't worry about the rebound relationship, try to be happy without him. I can't say when you two will be back together, but it's different for everyone. The sooner you can accept break up and find happiness from within, the sooner you have a better chance of getting back together.
Dara, a.z. , and edward
thank you for all the good advise, definitely going to go on dates, and be happy and show him that I can live without him.
You're welcome k.w.! :)
My ex and I are going to our respective homes for the next seven weeks, he'll be in Colorado and I'll be in North Carolina. What should I do? The no contact has been in effect for a week and the no contact will end while I am still in North Carolina. How do I contact him then? Should I wait until we are both back at school to contact him? And if then how do I do that? In person? Through text? The last couple times I have seen him (always in large social situations), neither of us have approached each other, or really even gave any acknowledgement of each other. Was that right? I am just so confused right now.
Dear Melanie,
It's okay if you non of you acknowledged each other! The feelings are still preserved in your mind/heart. I recommend you to do NC to the end. At the end of NC post him the letter. If he write to you it's okay and you respond to him. If he does not reply to your post, follow him in 2 weeks with a text reminding of good days you had. Act cool and strong! In the worst case you'll catch each other while he is back to North Carolina! Don't act needy! That's all! Follow what Kevin say in different articles/emails. If you don't see him come back to you, simply move on! So, make your mind ready for any situation! Colorado is a much boring place than North Carolina (in general)! There are chances that your NC act in your favor! Be strong and best of luck!
Hi Melanie,
How long were you two together, how long has it been since break up and how did you handle it? Unless he is initiating contact with you, it's usually better if you don't contact him. Without much details, usually NC is the way to go.
Melanie,
Just keep the NC. Follow Dara'd advice. Goodluck!
My ex said ” I do love you,but I’m afraid of being unfaithful to you, to cause you more heart break, I just need to clear my head. I have not slept with her but I have thought about it. Yes we’ve been talking often, even though you told me to stop but I couldn’t because I enjoy it.” And they’ve been communicating through snap chats. Please guys out there. how do you feel about this? I mean am I just blind and couldn’t see and still have false hope that he does love me. I feel stupid. (this is the second time he cheated. the first time he was drunk and regret it. and now this a girl he dated when we broke the first time).
And I guess this is not considered as a rebound either... I'm struggling to let him go...
Hey Aniel,
I think you have to gain some self-respect here. I know you love him and all, but you have to learn to love yourself more. He said he's thought about sleeping with her, and he's using that against you saying that he didn't because he cares about you? Do you really want to be with someone who would say such things? I would feel miserable if my ex did that to me and I actually took her back. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have cheated with you the first place. I really think you deserve a better man than him. If you fall for his trap again, it will make you look weak and desperate. There is no telling that he will do it again. If you follow the plan and go no contact for a month or two, you will realize that you have so much more to life than just him. You will see your situation more clearly and make better decisions. I mean, it's your decision to make, but if he cheats on you again, you'll just end up getting hurt more.
Aniel,
You know what. I dont't think you deserve him. But if you think you really like him. Then its your decision. Like i told you. Use logic than feelings. Goodluck.
Hi Aniel,
I stopped reading at 'unfaithful', one word advice: 'RUN'... you'll be happier in the long 'run' trust me. I hope this song inspires you to smile :)
http://youtu.be/n4OS3MsWEtw
"Until you learn to walk away from the wrong relationship, you will never find the right one" -Kevin
Aniel,
I could understand him flirting with her or even having sex with her duing NC! That's okay! But I cannot understand someone say , "I enjoy it!" That sucks! I believe he has taken you for granted! My personal suggestion is to move on and don't ever look back at this guy! He does not deserve you! He deserves someone like himself!
Guys and Kevin,
I'm totllay letting go. Because this is for the best for the both of us. These past few days i was thibkibg heavily. Now 4mos into the breakup i examined how i was without her. And its not really that bad. I changed careers. Lost weight. And im more than motivated than ever to explore the world and pursue new things.
The thing is, when we were together we are not growin anymore. We hinder each others growth. I thought hard that if we are still together i wouldn't be this motivated to change my life for the better. I thought she was my motivation to be great but no. I was trying to be great for her but not for myself and ar the same time i was so comfortable in our realtionship that i'm not paying much attention to other things. I didnt see that im getting messier and measier with this relationship. That i have no own direction because all i awe is the comfort and pleasure of the relationship. Yes it feels good but it's not healthy anymore. I have to grow and find myself. WE both have to grow. And growing is only achived alone. Only yourself can make you grow. Yes it is hard but im feeling great recently because i realized that there are great things that is happening in ny life despite her absence. Yes she was good and great. Pretty and athletic and educated well. Came from a good and rich family. Shame as a man but i relied on her too much which is very very wrong. I acted like a p*ssy.
Remember when i said that my family was no help? Damn i was blinded. I thought they're not helping me because i was focused on my feelings. But just the other day. I realized that they pushed me to life changing heights. They pushed me to enroll in Culinary Arts and foreign language. And they enrolled me in one of the best in the country. I was not able to appreciate it at first but then again this could be an opportunity for me to find myself and meet new people.
Overall. I still have feelings for my ex. I still feel like i want her back but i know right now its not good for our growth. Not good for myself. I still have this morning sickness and missing her but i am more relaxed and comfortable right now. I appreciated the good changes that happened to me and i also thought about my future and success. What i learned in this experience that a breakup is only extremely hard if you loved your partner more than yourself. If you put everything on the relationship. If you let your partner shoulder everything. Im leaving it up to destiny of we meet again or if we are meant to be. For now im letting go and explore the world. It doesnt matter if i meet someone better. Don't rush in a relationship because i know im not ready. Im dating but there is no spark. Im a mess and im not at my best and not attractive. Best of luck to all of us.
Daniel
Reading this comment makes me feel better. My ex broke up with me twice first was May 4th. We got back together after a month and now he broke up with me again July 20th same reason that he's not ready for a relationship and he cheated. So I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit with no ending pain and heartbreak. But reading your comment gives me inspiration to move forward in my life, that in time I'll feel confident again. I loved him so dearly (the fact that I'm still willing to take him back after all that but it's not healthy anymore), but he doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm the type of person who gets overly attached and I shower them with all my love and always ends up with a heartbreak. I admire that you're learning to let go and focusing on yourself. I can't wait for this pain to go away.
Don't wait. Act on it. If you think it's not healthy for you then let go. Use logic this time not feelings. The pain will fade but it will take a lot of time. Goodluck!
Aniel,
I am glad that you are realizing that it's not healthy anymore! Its the first step! Great!!
"What i learned in this experience that a breakup is only extremely hard if you loved your partner more than yourself."
Wow, what a fantastic outlook and reality check. Thanks!
No problem. Thanks for appreciating. Goodluck man!
hey daniel,
i'm glad that yor are feeling better now,and reading your post made me feel really good.you are absolutely right.
keep up the good job and wish u all the best
Az, i wish you all he best too. I think the pain really made me change alot and also made me aee things from a different point of view. Thankyou for all the help. I hope your progress is going well. :)
Daniel,
I admire you! I admire you because now you can see how your family supported you! That's a great sign! I feel that you are totally in the right direction! Keep it up! I also like the word, "p*ssy" that you used to describe your situation in the past. That reminds me of Eminem songs! Sometimes, I also tell myself, "don't act like a p*ssy, be a man!" ha ha ha..
Anyway, congratulations on your improvement! Keep us updated!
Dara,
Hey man! I hope you're doing great! I've been reflecting this past few weeks so im not that active here. I can't say that im 100% okay but i am determined to move on. I know its for thw best and that she is also not going to come back anymore. I just got to keep it together and man up! How have you been? I hope everything is well on your side. Goodluck!
Daniel,
I have accepted the fact that she is not the right girl for me! I believe she had planned for the breakup! She is moving to another state soon! It means even if we were in good relationship, I would cut it off. I don't like LDR! To me this breakup and sudden change in her life have something to do with each other! Yet, I don't care about her anymore! By the way, we exchanged some emails last week! In short, I think I have moved on!
I have been flirting and dating with girls lately. I am talking to another one right now. I want to sort out if she can be the next. If yes, she'll be the tallest ever! ha ha ha...
thank you very much daniel and your welcome.yeah i'm waiting for 2 or 3 weeks to meet him.and during this time,i'm working on myself to accept that it might be the last time so i won't end up crying in front of him :).
Hi Kevin and all, I realised that my last comment does not allow a 'reply' anymore.
Please could you help? Thanks.
I would like to know what's the best way forward - if I should just let go and not reply to him, or say some final words, acknowledge that he's been through stressful times and hope things work out and leave it at that.
https://exbackpermanently.com/get-your-ex-back/comment-page/#comment-32734
Hey Chloe,
I remember when my ex said that she thinks we are not capable of being partners anymore. And now, she is showing signs that she wants to be with me. All I can say is that words are not final even though it may seem like it. You'll only get more depressed by thinking about it instead of improving. Learn from your mistakes and become the better ex. If you start NC now and start improving yourself, your chances will increase significantly. Don't worry about what he's doing on FB or any other social media. Focus on your goals and how you can be happy. You will definitely miss him during NC, but cherish your memories of your past relationship as an experience. Don't be afraid to let go, you'll be stronger that way, I promise.
You are so right, Edward. I thought the cold moment was dealt with (near the start of our initial chat), but somehow because it hit a second 'cold' moment I've gone along with it, and took it to heart and helped him to 'move on' by removing him from Facebook. In hindsight, I wish I acted more cooler about it. Although he did say some things that were unreasonable, and I thought that was probably the time to leave the conversation - which is I guess NC. I don't know if that's the last time I'll speak to him but I'll definitely focus on my goals in my life and be happy :)
Thanks so much Edward!
Hey Kevin, welcome back (...if you actually are?) and I hope all is well. I sent this as an email two weeks ago but I didn't get a response.
I've been in no contact for about 2 months and I'm not sure what to do now. My ex and I have been broken up 5 months (we dated for 15). We live in different states, but we go to the same college, so we won't be seeing each other for another month. I don't know where to go from here. I don't have his home address so I can't send him the letter. Since it's been 5 months and we've been 'friends' for about the last 3.5. You had previously said I could I just skip the letter (and NC, but I thought it would be better for me to do it) and move on to texting. But I don't know what to do when I text him, the bit on the page about it seems a little vague. I was hoping we would get some strategies in the ninja techniques email, but it seems like they've already moved on to how to keep someone. We can't possibly see each other for at least another month even if we wanted to, so I can't ask him out on the date that's not a date. But after we see each other again it will have been six months, will that have been too long to have any hope of getting him back? Will I have been permanently friend-zoned? Please please please help (and thank you for all that you've already given me and everyone else) I don't know what to do. I feel like I've already lost any chance I might have had, because he posted on fb about how you shouldn't go looking for relationships, because once you stop the people you wanted come looking for you and I'm really scared that means he's with someone else now and it's been too long to just be a rebound. Please help!
Hi Brittany,
As long as you keep hanging out with him and letting him know that you love him more than just friends, you won't be in just the friend-zone. Whether he's in a rebound relationship or not, that should not be your concern. You should focus on how to be happy without him. When you are happy, you attract those around you and not just your ex. It's not too late, you can start no contact during this month before you can see him again. During this time, do something positive in life and improve on yourself. Don't worry about him being with other girls because doing anything about it will make you seem needy. If he's not showing signs of interest with you, you have to go no contact. I don't think you have to give him the letter either because of the long distance, but you can send him an email version if you'd like. After NC, if you still have feelings for him then you can try contacting him. It's never too late as long as the love is still there.
So I've been following Kevin's emails and did the NC for about a month now. We've dated for about 4.5yrs, lived together for 3 yrs and even shared a dog. Pretty serious stuff. When he broke up with me, he stated that "the feeling weren't mutual. He wasn't putting forth any effort and loved me as a person but wasn't in love with me." Prior to that, we never fought. I know, from reading the relationship rewind that he got bored and lost the spark in our relationship. Within that month I've seen my ex a total of 3 times. He is the one who initiates the contact, since we broke up. The last time we hung out, he made me dinner and he acted normal. I on the other acted quiet, shy and very much awkward. I honestly don't know if that was my last chance in getting back with him. I just came back from my trip and during my trip, he texted me saying "thank you for the barkbox. Have fun and be safe in Seattle-from our dog" then he goes and sends me 4 picture and a video of our dog. It really did hurt. So just responded normal and said you're welcome. He said "hope you're well. Take care." The next day, I texted him saying that I saw our dog friend and we began taking. Asked how was my trip and stuff and I told him it was fine, sent him a few picture of the scenery and decided to cut the convo short. Said " it was nice talking to you, I'll talk to you later. " he said good talking to you too. Take care" then he asked me to keep a promise. To not open the email he was going to send me. I told him "why can't you just send it when I come back. " he apologize and said to have fun on my trip and apologies for yesterday text and that he'll respect my wishes to not have him contact me.
Since we broke up, I've been MIA on social media because I didn't to see anything that could potentially hurt me. My friend sent me a screenshot of him and this girl on his Instagram. He deleted me and all of our picture on his account. I sorta got a little psycho and texted him "who is this girl on IG" and sent him the screen shot. I haven't had a response yet. Did i mess up my chance of reconciling things with him?
Hi Adda,
It wasn't the best idea to text him that when you haven't been in touch with him since break up. He did mention that the feelings weren't mutual when he broke up with you the first time and that he may have lost the spark. A relationship takes two people and if doesn't want to work it out, there's nothing you can do but to move on. I think you can send him an email or a letter about the memories you two had together before moving on. Tell him your feelings, it will make you feel better. After that, you should really consider moving on because it will do you no good waiting. Remember, you don't need your ex to feel happy, the happiness comes from within.
Since the picture, he actually called me and I Just got off the phone with my ex and he stated that the girl he posted of is this girl he just met and they're "talking". He told me to move on with my life because he was doing the same. He said that he didn't want to get back into a relationship with me and he just doesn't feel the same. He still cares for me as a person but wasn't in love with me. He finally agreed on sharing custody of our dog. It's so hurtful to know that he's bringing the dog to OC,ca to visit the girl. We spoke over the phone til 3am last night. I decided to tell him exactly what was going through my thoughts..(I.e. Suicide, depression, loss of appetite, etc) he didn't even know it was this serious. Although, he doesn't want to back with me, he's still willing to be here for me as a friend.. The entire time we're on the phone, he's crying. He was like "what do you want me to do? If you were in my shoes, how would you change it?" I told him that it's obvious that he's not going to change his mind and that I love him and that I have to let him go. He thought that I'm using the dog to get back together with him bc of how the situation turned out. Which isn't the case because we raised the dog together and he's a part of my life and the dog is part of his..
So what should I do now? He knows he feels the blame and doesn't know what to do to make me feel better. I just want him to realize what he had in front of him. I want to show him that the spark we once had, can be reignited.
I'm telling myself that this girl in OC,CA isn't going to last bc 1. Rebound 2. Distance. Like common.. And he JUST met her a few weeks ago and now he's visiting her every weekend.
For now, accept his friendship and be happy and nice around him. Hangout with him often and have fun. Don't bring up anything about the relationship or break up. You can bring your dog to meet him, it will trigger memories. Remember you told him your thoughts of depression etc, if you want him back, you must change that. You have to be positive and happy, no one wants to be with someone who is sad. Improve yourself and be mature to attract him back during this friendship. Don't worry about the rebound, as long as you are having fun and showing happiness, he cant forget these 4 yrs.
Hi guys,
Small update: I'm going to see my ex in two weeks! Ever since break up 4 months ago, I've realized that it wasn't entirely my fault. I am a little worried that she might leave me unexpectedly again in the future. But either way, I've decided to trust her and give it another try. After all, it wouldn't make sense if she was initiating contact with me to hurt me. This past month she has been really warm and loving to me, mentioning that she misses me quite often. Earlier this week she suggested to go Las Vegas with me on school break, which I think is an improvement because I wouldn't have to always make the plans. I am just a bit curious on what she will do with the other guy that still likes her. Anyways, I will discuss it with her before getting back in a relationship with her. I am confident that she'll agree this time around and I think I have to continue my journey towards achieving my goals in life. Break up has made me a stronger person honestly and I feel grateful for life itself. And guys, I'm not perfect either, I know it is hard for most of you, there are days that I feel worried even though I should not be. It took me a while to realize that I must accept the fact that I might I lose her forever. When you have given all your effort in trying to make things work, sometimes you just have to let go and give it space and time for love to sink in. A tip for you guys is not to overthink your ex too much, sometimes it can lead to false assumptions and make you feel stressed, depressed and miserable. Anyways, keep you guys updated with my story, and I'll try to help you guys with my thoughts whenever I'm free.
Hey Edward :)
Your post put a bit smile on my face and not just because things are working out for your and your ex, but because I sense you've achieved personal growth through this tough experience. I'm very happy to know that you two will give it another shot regardless of that other guy, he's irrelevant I think because she's the one initiating contact with you and why would she talk to you if she has something going on with someone else? so that guy is irrelevant and I hope she makes it clear for you when you two meet up. Las Vegas sounds fantastic! I wish I could go one day so go have fun, experience, live, love... Good luck and hope to hear more updates :)
Edward,
Truly, I was about to put a post here and ask you how are you doing. I truly take your words! I believe you are a good example of how should one work and understand break ups. Yeah! Your words have tones of logic in it.
I wish you best of luck! Keep updating us!
Hey Edward, I'm so pleased to hear that you and your ex are going to meet up! Good luck and keep us updated :-)
Best, Chloe
Edward,
I'm really glad to hear you've been making progress! Your advises have been helping me a lot, and hope that you can keep doing what you've been doing. I wish you the best!
Edward,
I do believe that you have been awesome,and you are doing great.your post really made me happy.and your words make alot of sense.i'm sure we will hear more good news from you here.
Best of luck
Hi Kevin,
so my girlfriend broke up with me after an 8 year relationship. She is currently working on a different continent. I stopped contacting her now for 2 weeks, but even after 30 days, she will still be far away and the only way to contact her for me is via Skype. So I wonder, what would you do in this situation. She will be away for another 3 months. I think the reason for the break up is that we met when we were 20 and that the new situation far away from me makes her want to explore other options. However this is speculation, she couldn't really tell me why she is breaking up, just that 'it feels right for her now'. Also, her birthday is coming up, should I text her?
Thanks for your advice,
Ian
Please help me. My ex and I broke up May 4th he confessed he was drunk and had sex with another girl apologizedhe said he regretted it and I took him back.so we we're back together for a month no July 20th we broke up again he said he dated this girl while we we're on our last break and they still communicating& that gave him urge/ temptations to sleep with her. He said he enjoyed talking to her. and he loves me and he is sorry blah blah that he doesn't trust himself. So he broke my heart twice & I love him and I'm in so much pain but I dunno if I even want him back. I dunno what to say to him or how to start this again.
Hi Aniel,
I would go NC for a month so that you'll have time to think about it. Do you really want him to cheat on you again? Look at Kevin's guide on reasons to get back with ex. Are you sure you can trust him again? It's pretty bad that he hurt you twice the same way (leaving you for another girl). I think you deserve better, but if you love him that much, ask yourself some good reasons to get back with him. During or after NC you dont want him, then cut contact and move on. If you realize you want him, then simply contact him again. But remember, if he's done the same mistake twice, what makes you think he won't again?
I love him so much but it hurts soo bad! I'm in completepain I can't believe that he will put me through this again. He said he's confused. I'm afraid to loose him and that if I go NC he'll just move on to that girl. And I just wanted to heald and not obsess about it.
He said " I do love you, I just need to clear my head. I have not slept with her but I have thought about it. but I'm afraid of being unfaithful to you, to cause you more heart break, Yes we've been talking often, even though you told me to stop but I couldn't because I enjoy it." And they've been communicating through snap chats. Please guys out there. how do you feel about this? I mean am I just blind and couldn't see and still has false hope.
My ex went on a trip for a month and shes coming back I believe this Monday, we didnt talk for that period of time because she couldn't it was a camp thing, well before she left we were talking I did beg her and stuff but now I feel alot better and I want her back, does her trip count as no contact?
P.s I know shes coming back this week because she message me, it was simple convo, I was busy so I took a bit to reply and she asked me if I hated her and If I wanted to talk to her.
Hi, guys esp to my friends here: Daniel, Dara, A.Z., David, Steve, Rihanna. I hope I am not forgetting anyone.
So it's been a long time since my last visit here. I am having a hard time posting it said the website is unavailable.
So.. You all know how emotionally stable i have become after 2months of break up but my problem now is i fee unstable for how many weeks now. I don't want her back even as a friend but I can say I am unstable because I can't get her out of my mind. I hope this is just some kind of hormonal imbalance acting up. The problem is whenever i think of her before it just fades in an hour but now I don't even think she is out of my mind.
Some gut feeling wants me to check her facebook then I gave in she posted something like, "i miss you" and I don't know if it is for me or for someone else but I got affected. After that I am missing her too. But i never want her back. I know our breakup was bad because we just quit it with each other suddenly.
I went here to ask for your advice because I am having a hard time dealing this myself. Lately I live in the past or on the present of finding someone new but I feel very much absent in the moment. I don't want to fill my head with the worries of the past nor fantasies of the future because it might provide ne temporary happiness but might disappoint me in the long run. I want to live for the moment but I felt like a ghost of the now.
I know I am not stable now because before when I am stable I told myself i wouldn't want to be in a relationship for now even if she will have a new one because i want to prepare my best self to my future partner and I know nothing worth having comes easy, but now I want a gf as revenge or to get ahead of her. I know this is not good but I dont know how to escape feeling like this.
I am in need of your advice and Kevin's as well. I need you to be my anchor as of now because it seems i am failing lately to live for the moment. Right now, i need someone to keep me grounded so i wont drift farther away.
Thanks guys. I am down lately. Before I acknowledge that I havent moved on yet because I know it takes time and it is just two months. But now I get pressured to move on because I think 3months is long enough to pick myself up but I havent collected it yet knowing that the ex might be having the greatest time of her life. Sorry guys
hey RAED,
i'm glad to hear from you again, but and i'm sorry you are not feeling good.
raed,its definitely nomal .and actually you are doing great.you said you don't want her back at all and this shows how much you have changed.your feelings are unstable because you are still hurt you should give yourself more time to heal.be proud of yourself it's been 5 months after my ex and i broke up and i'm still not really ok and actually having him in my life ( as friends or whatever) is not helping me at all.so you are lucky that you don't want her back as anything.
do whatever you feel like,go on dates,as many as you can,try to have a good time.whenever she comes on your mind,just tell yourself that you don't want her back and its you who decided not to get back. doesn't matter who broke up with who.the important thing is that you don't want her back.you see? i broke up with my ex and he decided not to get back with me. you are handling it really good.i remember the first 2 months of my post-breakup,as much as i tried everything to be ok,i was like living with him on my mind.
just give yourself some more time,and try to have a good time,set a goal and concentrate on it.hang out with your friends,do whatever that makes you feel better,if you feel like you like a girl,go for it.trust me,you are gonna be fine and be proud of yourself.
Hi A. Z.,
It is nice to be back. I am really feeling so down but the connection is really a mess so I cannot visit here even if I wanted to.
She broke up with me. I pleaded for 2months but after that I came back to my senses. Told myself I no longer want her in my life even as a friend because I wouldn't want my emotions to be put into waste with someone like her. It feels good that I no longer want her back though maybe she doesn't want me back too.
I realized whatever she did to me and the way she treated and handled me after the break up is a reflection of her own life issues and not mine. It is a reflection of who she is and I told myself it is no longer my problem. But sometimes, I am affected.
I fear if I am still normal or mentally healthy because I feel like floating and whatever I do, I am not mindful of because she is in my mind. When I reach for an object it's like I am a zombie reaching out for it with her in my mind. My body is present but my mind is elsewhere. Worst, it is with her. I am afraid if I am on the verge of losing my sanity or if I am not the only one.
Thank you, A. Z. You sound to be doing well. I'll try to always visit here to keep in touch. Thank you and let's keep each other updated!
P. S.for someone:
I forgot to mention you on my post EDWARD. I am sorry.
RAED,
I hadn't seen you for a while! Nice to see you again here! I want to restate that I have read somewhere that "move on" will take about 6 months for a normal relationship! So don't really have bad that you have mixed feelings now! If you do not contact her and if your relationship and you guys were normal, it should take 6 months of NC to make you, you have forgotten her! So take it easy!
I also feel like you but everyday I feel stronger and less affected by what I imagine/hear/ see! See will you!
My recommendation is that even if you feel bad about chasing a girl, do it because it will make you confident! It's a part of plan to go on some dates and get rid of ex lingering in the mind at least for a while! My ex also haunts me in my mind! Yet, she is just a fantasy of a perfect girl. Her real picture is average!
Anyway, to cut is short, update us on what you feel next! I will be glad to read your post/comments!
Dara,
Hey buddy! It is nice to be back. I could no longer backread because there are lots of posts already. It's been a long time ha ha.
Thank you, buddy. So I still have 3months left. I guess I should continue doing NC again. Because the last time, I was not fully doing the NC. Partially, I do because I never initiated contact but when she texts me, I wait for some minutes or an hour before I reply so I guess it is still NC but I want to be more kind to her so I somehow reply but I never initiated contact after the 2months. I guess I should do total NC again because somehow it feels good when you have the NC goal and when you count the days snce the last contact, it feels good when you are able to count many days of NC.
As of now, we rarely contct each other. Maybe 4 times a month so that is every week. And we never had long conversations since I appear cold to her, according to her I sound so cold so maybe she is not pushing her luck. It is a routine of she texts me, I reply then no more contact again. But if ever we get into contact, she initiates but we never had a long talk. So maybe she is moving on too.
At times, I wish she stops texting me so I wouldn't feel guilty nor snob when I don't reply. I just miss her now. I wish days or a montb from now, we all become emotionally and psychologically stable.
Keep me updated to buddy! It seems you are having a great time! Thanks! :-)
Dara,
And by the way, buddy. I feel like something is playing a trick on me ha ha. Last night, I imagine the girl I am interested with now. I want her to be my girlfriend so I imagined we are in the courting stage. It feels good. Then I fell asleep. And guess what? My ex appeared. The ex approached me and gave me a letter. I remembered in the letter written was "romance=0" which means there are no more romantic feelings but she hugged me and told me she missed me and wants me back but as a friend. What a dream. I don't know if that is some kind of message she is really trying to send me or is it just me ha ha. The weird part is I slept thinking of the new girl then I dreamed of the ex whom I didn't even imagine before I went to bed.
But maybe I think it is some kind of message in real life because she no longer loves me but wants fo retain the friendship. And surprisingly, my response to her in my dream is what would I respond to in real life, which is a NO.
Crazy dreams.
Well, I think you replying her texts/emails were mistake.
Till now I have tried to find girls for another relationship. You know, for a relationship (rather than one night stand), it really matters how they look, how their personality is and stuff like that. Finally, yesterday I got a number from a girl who is apparently single and will be here for at least one year. I also have a couple of faces in my mind. Oh! Last night was thinking about this new girl and how our relationship would be.
About you, I had the same feelings around 20 days ago. Some girls started looking good (amazingly after a long that) and I would start fantasizing a relationship with them but at night my ex would overwhelm my life. I assure you that these feelings will reverse after some time. I am the evidence here.
I still come here on this site but recently I did not find strong passion in reading new stories. I simply comment on my virtual friends' posts here. I believe that it's another good sign of improvement!
Oh, I was about to forget; go after this girl you found attractive! Find out if she is there or not! If not, find another fantasy!
I will be glad to hear more buddy!
Hey Raed,
I think Chairman Mao once said (but in chinese lol): 'nature will pass through from age to age'... I think he meant that even nature suffers in life, that every breathing living thing must go through its hard moments to grow, if not for winter and rain we would not have a beautiful rich spring but we must feel the thunder and live the hard moments to enjoy the happiness it will later leads to. It is absolutely normal to feel down and don't suppress your feelings, embrace your pain and deal with it so that it won't surface in the future once you reach a new found happiness (hopefully soon). I'm glad you realise what you want in life and that she's not in your future plans anymore, I respect that you took that decision instead of wallowing in false dreams. You're moving forward and that's great. Chin up and don't rush your healing process. I wrote this in my darkest hour I hope it helps you: 'Embrace your sorrows as you would your joy. For your sorrows are the seeds embedded in the garden of your happiness. For your greatest joys are 'not' but the bloom of your sorrows past'. I hope this helps, my thoughts are with you xx
Rihanna,
Wow. You sound so brand new! I don't know but it radiates. You've changed big time for the better!
Thank you, Rihanna! I will take your advice! I realized that she had gotten even in moving on. But what I tell myself is to not be pressured because life is not a race. It doesn't matter whether she moves on first or what, what matters is how I tread on the journey. I am confident because though I was left behind, I know I am somehow undergoing the proper way of moving on. Of addressing the issue. Acknowledging the pain. Knowing what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. Because I would never want to carry past baggage in my future.
Unlike her, she drowns herself with the company of her false friends to forget. I might be taking a harder and longer path but I know in the end I will emerge stronger and it is all worth it.
And btw, you wrote that? Wow. I know you write but I have never seen your works. It is beautiful, Rihanna. Wow thanks :-)
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up back in December (after a one and a half year relationship and 2 years and a half talking) and since then we've stayed in touch. I did the no contact twice for 1 month each time and decided after that I would not initiate contact because I could not read him and it was hurting me to not know what to expect. Instead I would only answer his messages or emails if and when he writes to me. He's been getting in touch on different occasions and sometimes regularly but he is sending mixed signals by blocking me and then unblocking me on different sites, writing to me and then not answering etc. He has a girlfriend now that he is public about but he still writes to me and sends me pictures of himself without ever mentioning his new girlfriend.
I can't figure out what he wants. I know that he still thinks about me but is he just looking for attention or is it a way of telling me something...? I'm not sure how to react and what I should tell him. I hope you can help me out here. Many thanks.
I know you get a lot of messages and maybe mine will be full of gramatical mistakes since I'm not native, but I really wish you could answer my questions. My situation is quite different.
We've been toghether for a year and a half and the first year was great. But then something changed in me and I started to feel needy and made him stay with me almost everyday at my apartment. We didin't do anything. Everyday we just watched movies, talked and had sex. But the sex got boring and soon we ended up doing it rarely. We started fighting so much and I wanted more and more of his attention, not realizing this was developing into a toxic behaviour. After we finished school we went into a long distance relationship for the summer. Things got really bad one night when I urged him to come visit me earlier and we got into the worst fight so far. We ended things in a good attitude, but I felt something was off.
He came to visit me some weeks later and I felt the need to talk to him. He told me that if I wouldn't have talked to him then, he would have stayed in the relationship, even though he didin't feel satisfied. We were fed ud with eachother at that point. So we came to the conclusion that we couldn't fix our problems while away from eachother and took a break of 3 weeks to figure out what we are feeling and what do we want from eachother. We promised not to become emotionally involved in the people we would see, if that happened and I suggested that we should not talk in this period of time. I could see he didn't take it well. When he left he was devastated.
Also, when he got home he changed his facebook status into single and put on his timeline "end of an relationship". He called me almost crying saying that it felt so real now and that he misses me already. I tried to be the calm one and said it would only be 3 weeks and that we would see eachother soon. This is the last time we talked. He said that he would always love me. After that, he deleted all of the messages and post related to our break from facebook, including the one he put himself, with the "end of a relationship". I am wondering what this could mean.
I forgot to mention we are going to see eachother in 3 weeks at a summer festival we planned to go toghether. We are going to stay in the same room for 5 days and I really don't know what to do. I am planning to have a good time with him and I would like to not talk about the decisions we took in the break so soon. Is is wrong if I want to show him first that I have changed? I have done a lot of mistakes and I am trully sorry for them but I am afraid he won't want to give me another chance. Should I have sex with him until we define things between us?
I guees my main question is if there is still a chance for him to want to continue this relationship after these 3 weeks. Or should we waint until school starts again to see if we have a chance?
Hi Kevin and everyone else :) I need help badly.
So my girlfriend and I broke up more than a month ago (due to misunderstanding. I thought she cheated on me but apparently it never happened). I started off really clingy, texting her all the time and calling her for 2 weeks. I saw her once, but she said it was a bad idea to do it again because she could tell I wanted to hold her. We got frustrated, I found this guide, and pursued no contact.
Ending no contact weeks later, I'm a better person. I'm not a wreck or broken anymore, it would just be REALLY nice to have her back.
We began texting last week. Things were going really well. She had entered a rebound relationship and was seeing a new guy really often. But over text, she always told me that nobody could ever connect the same way her and I did. She sent me pictures of things she wished she bought me during our relationship, she asked if I remembered certain fun moments, and we even got on the topic of sex (we were first timers for each other). So things were going well, we were connecting great.
I asked her to hang out and get coffee before work, and she said she'd think about it. Hours later she told me she couldn't go with me. I told her it would be fun and friendly, but she said she couldn't because "I miss us too much. I would ask you for a hug or something, or ask for you back". So now the tables have turned, and it's her who would break down if we saw each other.
We never got coffee, but she agreed to let me drive her to work (about a 10 minute drive). We talked for a while, she said I looked great, all that stuff (she looked absolutely gorgeous). I gave her a gift - it was a CD I had been in the process of putting together during the 2 years of our relationship. There were songs I wrote about me, songs about her, and other songs written during the course of our relationship. There were even a couple songs written about our breakup on the CD.
Anyway as that night I texted her, but no response... It's been 2 days and I haven't tried to contact her and I've got nothing from her. What's my next step?? I'm afraid to talk to her again cause I'll seem needy or desperate. I just want to know what I should do.
Dear Kevin and all,
I've written a few comments here and I've received some really helpful advice and support from Kevin and others.
I would really like your views on what my ex might be going through. Things were going fine, in the beginning of our text chats we kept it light and shared good memories and jokes, then he brought up the break up and I was calm about it. Then it was fine for a while, then it reached an obstacle. Last few days he's untagged himself and deleted all the photos of he and I on Facebook, and I felt really upset and worried about it. I asked him why and he said that what we had was unhealthy, that we were the same people and nothing had changed, and that it was best to move on etc. We had a difficult text chat, which was hard. He doesn't want to talk on the phone or face to face about it, which is one of the things about him that I don't like and find it a really unhealthy way of dealing with times like this. I told him I removed him from Facebook, not out of anger and he said he thinks it's for the best. However, from today, he still will text and reply and continue to go on...
It seems he's still hurt from the break up (happened 5 months ago) and I finally said that the way forward was not to contact, have space and time to heal from the past. I told him that I was making positive changes in my life and know that he is too. It was left at that...
Is this what is called 'death's door'? and did I handle it the way I should have? Is this *confusing, crazy stage* due to him still having feelings for me? Does he actually want to move on? Does it sound like he wants to get back together with me?
I'm disappointed that he didn't want to meet me, even after a few months of texting and a few phone calls.
Shall I just let him go and move on? If he contacts me again, shall I be polite and friendly?
I'd really appreciate your help and advice.
Thanks, C
Chloe,
You should try to always be polite and friendly, even at the toughest times. He might be feeling this way because he is still confused. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it but to focus on yourself. He may still have feelings for you but is trying to move on. I would give him any last thoughts or feelings you have about him and start to move on. If he contacts you, don't bring up any past issues, just be kind and friendly, be open to communication. If he wants you back, you will feel it, but don't wait on it, you deserve better.
Thanks Edward. Your advice makes perfect sense. A couple of weeks ago he said he still loves me and has always loved me. Prior to that, I said to him that I still love him. He said he wanted us to talk more and be happy that we both wanted this (get back together). However, somehow on Friday, it seems he had a change in his thought process and started acting strangely. I agree with you, he does still have feelings for me, wants to move on yet still behaves like this - 'hot and cold'.
I'll take your advice and move on because waiting around isn't healthy for me. I just wish he would let go of the negative associations he has about the break up.
Chloe
By improving yourself, you will show him that you are a better person. Over time, these negative associations will fade and mostly good and happy moments together will still be there. People don't want to always think about bad things, naturally people want to be happy and that's why happy memories stay longer. Let him be hot and cold, as long as you are stay positive, you'll be in good shape.
Thanks Edward. I think I have improved myself, yet he brought up the past again about me being dismissive. I forgot to mention that he said 'The chances of us getting back together is low.'
After my text about not being in contact and to have space and time to heal, making positive changes etc, he replied 'Hence untagging you from Facebook...' - this was yesterday and I haven't responded to him.
Should I reply with 'Ok'? and leave it at that? Or say that and include 'I'm fine and accept that it's for the best to move on, and to have space and time.'
Or shall I just say nothing and get on with my life and focus on myself?
Hi,
I've known my ex for a few months before we started dating. We dated just 2 months. Everything went really well between us and he even made me meet his parents and friends. He met mine as well. We adored each other so much and he was the perfect gentleman. I'm his first relationship after his ex who hurt him bad 10 years ago. He broke up with me month before he learned he's moving to another state. He's been stressed with work and the relocation. It devastated me, begged him but he said he doesn't want me to wait. I cut off all our communication so I can move on. After almost 2 weeks he apologised and told me how much I meant to him and I'm very special. I ignored him at first but eventually agreed to talk to him again as friends since he wants to be friends also. But now... Yes now. I saw his posts about packing and heading north in 2 days. I'm very upset though I didn't tell him that. I just want to be with this man. I think he already put me on the friend zone. I'm a mess and can't even sleep. I go out, hiking, exercising and crying at the same time. It's the hardest thing. I have been with a man before who I was going to marry but I moved on fast from that man even after 4 years together. This recent ex was everything I wished for. He begs me to remain friends. Idk what his plans are. I just want him back :/
Dear Kevin and Everyone on this site
I would like to thank you all (especially Dara, Edward, RD, Festival David, Raed) sorry if I missed anyone else but you know who you are for all your help and good advice. You've all eased my pain in my darkest hour and made me believe in myself and in a brighter future. Because of you I stand strong today because I never had to go through a painful situation alone having you all here with me. You've been my friends, my family, my advisers, my confidantes and I very much appreciate your support in my good times and bad. This site was a god sent, thank god I googled 'I want him back' I was just typing my thoughts in the google box when I bumped into this site accidentally and it saved me from pain and heartaches. Kevin, your site is very inspiring and thank you for being a generous soul, a rare thing to find these days cos what you give is not of possessions but of yourself. You define what Gibran once said: ' You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give'.
I won't be checking this site as much though I'd visit it from time to time. I think I'm healed, moving forward. My and ex (aka good friend and confidant) are talking like we're very good friends and sharing our future plans. We both realise we have strong love and connection but we both know we have to work to be complete ourselves before we enter a relationship, thank you Kevin for the lesson. From here on, it's where life would lead us whether to get back together or not I've learnt so much being on this site and learning from all the great people here about life. I'm truly happy, and much optimistic about the future. Big love to you all xxx
Thanks Rihanna, you're the only one that ever responded to my posts. Keep us updated of any big news
I am happy for you Rihanna, I hope everything goes the way you want it to be. If anything bothers you, just remember us and stay calm lol. It was great reading your comments and posts, I've learned a lot. Hope you will keep us updated, we will miss you, I wish you happiness.
Rihanna,
I am really glad for you! You gave us a great news! I also thank you for commenting on my posts! It really made me feel good! To me your comments were priceless! I also thank you for commenting on other guys posts!
Just like Edward said, if anything bothers you here, please feel free to share it with us. Best of luck!!
Wish you all the best rihanna,hope everything goes really good for you.
Hey, Rihanna!
I just get back here and you are about to leave. Don't make me miss you so much, okay? Ha ha.
Anyway, I am happy for you! Wow, I was just gone for mahbe a week and you have changed a lot! From the way you speak (or post) you sounded like a changed woman already. Wow, Rihanna, you made it. And I am proud to see the bolder and more mature Rihanna than all those AAAAARGH before!
Keep it up! If ever there'll be a problem or even a celebration, keep us updated! Xx
Hey!
I need some advice. I recently took a break from my relationship with my boyfriend. We had some problems that led us to feel suffocated in this relationship, mostly him, and decided that this is the best way to go fo a while, since we are in a long distance ralationship until november. I've done a lot of mistakes and hurtfull things and I really want to make it right. But I'm afraid that at the end of the break he will no longer want to continue this ralationship. We will meet in 3 weeks for a festival we are supposed to go to toghether. During this time I suggested we should not contact eachother to see how we feel. I don't know what to do when we will meet and I'm scared because we will be sharing the same house for about 5 days. Should we go out with friends? Should we stay in, just the two of us? Or did I make a mistake for restricting contact in this 3 weeks? He didin't want to see me anymore, didin't want to talk to me anymore(he didin't told me this, I had a long talk with him) and I felt that if we continued this relationship he would become fed up with it and end it much sooner. Also, I think he is afraid of commitment. We are both young, in our 20's. I really don't know what to do after this break. Or how to act arround him.
Hello Kevin and everyone,
I have posted here few times in the past, but I have been still on an emotional roller coaster just like everybody on this site, and hoping that someone can give me an advise on what I should do next.
Long story short, about 2months ago, my gf of 3years wanted to break up with me. I tried to work things out for about a week, and of course that didn't work. I actually tried to move on, but i couldn't. However I did 30days of NC regardless and surprisingly she texted me saying "sorry to do this but i've been missing you" after 30some days of NC. I thought about not textig back, but we started to text each other since then.
The texting phase went on for about few weeks, and last Sunday, i asked her if she wanted to grab a drink to catch up. She hesitated first but agreed to meet up. We had really great time that night, and she ended up staying over my house. And in that week, she stayed over my place every day. We discussed about our relationship and communicated a lot, but she thought things are moving too fast, and she could not wrap her head around it. Though she was really happy to see the changes in me, she wasn't sure if the change was just a temporary thing or I actually have been changed for good. I told her “I can only prove it to you when you can give me a chance.” , But I didn’t ask her to get back together. During the week, we talked a lot about us, but sometimes she starts crying saying she doesn’t know what she wants and wants to work on herself like I did to myself..etc. She was kind of saying her heart wants to see me, but her head think she shouldn’t. Also she seems to be having hard time to adjust back to single life.
And this Monday morning before we go work, she was saying her mind was going crazy, and she can't even talk about the relationship any more and said she needs time. I wasn't really pushing too much or being needy, but I always suggested not to cut off all the contact. But now she's saying she needs time to figure out what she wants and 2months we had after the break-up was not long enough to heal her wound, I might have no option but go NC all the way again? I feel that she loves me but she's just too scared to go back into the relationship again with me, because I hurt her so much in old relationship. and she was saying during those 2 months she missed me so much and things we do together, and she realized she took things for granted when we were in relationship as well. So on that day, I kind of decided to give her space by not texting or talking… Then on Tuesday (next day) she emailed me with youtube link asking if I recognize the song… the song was played by this DJ on Saturday where we went to party and we were dancing together to the song… She was saying she likes the memory that goes with the song. But in my head I was thinking didn’t’ she need space and time to figure out????? Why does she start talking to me??? What’s going through in her head????
I do love this girl no matter what. I just hope that I didn't destroy the chance of getting back together by spending so much time together too quickly this last week. I knew it wasn't a good idea, but we just couldn't help it. I perosnally feel that we need to keep communicating and working together to build stronger foundation if we were to get back together, but NC seems to be a popluar choice by many people. Because the relationship was collapsed due to lack of communication and lack of effort from my end, I feel that NC will just enforce the idea of those 2 bad traits I had in old relationship? I’m honestly confused and mentally getting weaker day by day. I’m embarrassed but I can’t stop crying every day and I’m almost thinking maybe I should completely move on because being in this grey zone hurts so bad… If someone can give me advise, that’ll be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
yk
yk,
It's my bad that I cannot really suggest you anything. Apparently, she is still interested in you. Maybe you should do more NC and when she contacts you, you play it cool! Play it cool that and let her know that you still care for her. When you contact her, try to invite her for a social event. Make her know that you are the one who cares about her. By now you know it good that you should take things slow! Try to have a face to face talk to her!
Hi yk,
I remember you, it is great to hear from you again. I also think that you are going too fast in the relationship, but you are right, you need communication to grow in the new relationship. She is afraid that you she might get hurt again, and for her to trust you, she needs to feel safe. You have to give her time and space to think it through. If she really loves you, she will give you the chance. You don't have to NC again, if she doesn't contact you within the next week, ask her to hangout again. Do memorable and fun things together, but also be focused in your goals in life. Don't worry too much about the relationship, keep you mind on happiness and everything will flow. Remember that she will be aware of how you act around her, so don't be sad because things didn't turn out the way you expected. Accept everything life gives to you and you will be more attractive this way.
Thanks for your responses guys,
Thanks for your responses guys,
It’s easier for me to focus on myself when I’m doing NC I found out, because you don’t have to worry about her at all (what she said, how she reacted..etc). When you have an open line of communication with your ex, it’s kind of tough to just forget about the ex and focus on life goals…. I wish I could do that. But somehow my brain’s not wired that way. I know it’s stupid but I find myself sometimes waiting for her to text me… and stuff like that just bothers me the most about myself. It’s really hard to get mixed signals from the ex constantly, so that I don’t see where I stand. But I will def not initiate the conversation from my end next week, to see what happens… I guess. And Edward, like you said, if I don’t hear from her, I’ll ask her out next weekend to see where we are at. I guess giving up is easy… to fight is not.
YK,
Hey, we are very much the same. It is very easy to focus on ourselves when we do NC because we feel we don't owe them any contact because it is NC. I stopped doing NC and replied to her messages and I felt unstable because it is like a responsibility. I am confused too ha ha. I mean when I quit NC and started contact again, I feel bad if I snob her. But sometimes it is hard to tell her to not contact me because I am in NC. It is hard because I want to do it but I don't want to seem mean or snob.
I am sorry I am not of any help because I, myself, is unstable as of now. I just wish somehow this will shed some light on how should we really respond ha ha
Hey Raed,
Perhaps most people on the web tell us just to go NC and to move on, but my heart says NO. I dont know if I'm being stubborn or just being weak mentally. All I know is that I can not be in this middle ground for too long. At one point, she needs to decide or I need to decide to pull the plug if she can't. But I kind of gave timeframe for myself so I can give her or myself some sort of timeline to work with.. Though I'm not going to tell her the timeframe, I hope that kind of give me some sort of overall plan to follow. How are you dealing with this Raed?
Here an insite on my story:
We’ve been together for 4 years and we’re 22.(we actually started dating at 17/18...after few months his father’s death, I think I helped him a lot )
The last few weeks we weren’t very happy,we had lots of stupid fights (but we always overcame them easily),he was stressed by college,two works (right now he has only one and just on saturday night) and he was in the midst of negotiations to buy a motorcycle (wich ended well). I was stressed by college and by the fact that he was always busy and we haven’t had many date between us alone but we were always with our friends.
I’ve tried many time to cut some time for us but I did understand that friends were important too, but those time where we were able to go out alone went very well. So the last few days went a bit bad mostly my fault because I wanted intimacy but he was always too tired, and that made me kinda annoyed but that would end there. So on that day I talked to him about this but I actually burst to tears because I was feeling bad about myself, he said that he was just tired to do anything and then he got angry and told me to go home because the morning after he had to work early.
The day after he told me he needed to speak with me, and he told me that he wasn’t happy right now and that things couldn’t continue like this, I ask him to at last think about it a bit more, maybe later (crying like always, it’s a bad habit of my) and he said ok. And that day was when I sent him a lot of message. After two days I think I went to his house to talk but he wasn’t home and as I was about to leave he came back. He said that he’ll visit me that evening. When he came we talked a bit and I agreed at his request to take a brake(a pause) for one week (he said to me very serious that he didn’t want to leave me but things needed to change).
In that week I didn’t sent him a thing nor did I call him.
After that week on the 22th of June he came home to me saying that we needed to break up…I was a crying mess and I couldn’t speak much, but he said that he loves me but not like he used to. He said that I needed to be strong and not live for him because he thinks that I depend too much on him.
He actually don’t want to erase me from his life, that we can be friends but not right now because it’s too soon.
After that we met two times for our friends birthday and everything went well…I still enjoy his company and I think that he thinks that too but he does not want to give me illusions now.
The thing that makes me confused is that we recently made so many plans like going on holiday alone (wich never happened),camping and go around on his motorbike ecc ecc…I mean if he was thinking of break up , why would he made so many plans ?
I’m so confused because I know that I’m really important to him…I just don’t know what happened.
Hi Giulia,
You two have been together for four years, he can't forget you that easily nor can you. I think it's best if you can start doing no contact for a month and try to be happy without him. Like he said, he doesn't want you to depend on him all the time. He will miss you if you don't contact him for a month. After that month when you do contact him, he'll be surprised and will be looking forward to meet the new you. First, you should focus on improving yourself and don't let your emotions take over you. I know he means a lot to you and you mean a lot to him. Try not to think of him right now, just concentrate on your goals. Give him some time, don't contact him and if he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space.
Forgot to add, why he wants to make plans with you but he has never committed to it. He is just as confused as you are, giving him space will let both of you think it through. That's why you should do no contact, it will give him time to miss you and really want to. It has to be his idea to get back to you, don't chase anymore and you'll have a better chance.
Hi!
Yes I've started NC days ago and I'm doing fine, I still have moments when my mind just go to him but I'm keeping me busy with college and friends.
On the 26th I'm going away on vacation with my parents, hopefully this will relax me a bit more. In the meantime I'm working on myself, I wear contacts now,I've lost weight,changed my hair ,bought new clothes and I'm starting to feel more confident in myself.
I ,sometimes, also feel confident that I can win him back.
I'll just let him see how much I've changed physically and mentally , I'll never depend on him because that's not the relationship I want with him anymore, I really hope that when the times comes I'll know how to let him see it.
PS: We've made those plans like a week before the break up, so...what happend in his head I'll never know right now.
Thanks for taking time to answer!
Good luck Giulia! Keep us updated.
...I forgot a really important thing.
I was his first girlfriend and he was mine first boyfriend.
He's not the kind of guy that let others sees his feelings, he always put on the "tough guy" mode. He is really stubborn and sometimes a bit thick about other people feelings (he doesn't mean any harm, it's just the way he is ) in fact I was surprised when he had tears in his eyes when he was breaking up with me...I mean this should be a good thing...?
DOES THE NC WORK ON THIS KIND OF PEOPLE?
That sound almost that he was a bad person...that could not be more wrong, yes he has his flaws, but he is a honest,caring (in his special way),strongest , blockhead person I've ever known. He could make me mad to the extreme but just a stupid joke from him and I could do nothing but laugh...
Around February he asked me out for a drink, but in fact he wanted to talk about how we needed to work on ourselves physically (we both didn't work on our body from sometime) so we could be more happy about eachother. After that I started to work out and the results made us both happy...then after months,when the stress hit, everything started to go downhill without me noticing how bad the situation was in his eyes.
Hi everyone and a.z
She said that none can replace me ever but at the same time she said that she can't be in a relationship.
She had a status saying she is in the friend zone and later cleared that it was not for me.
What should I do ?
Hi Rihanna as you're in a LDR I need your advice here. A.z you too. And Kevin too.
She said no one can ever replace me but then that status! I kinda freaked out
I am really confused this is not the first time someone else is coming in between us.
Should I say that as that was not for me I don't feel comfortable talking ? I don't wanna be in the friend zone. Well its really confusing because its not the first time these things are happening after our break. She continues to do so. I am not sure how to proceed.
Just now she said that it's next to impossible to be friends and that she had started a conversation in general.
Hi Anon,
Try not to worry too much about what goes on on fb and the likes because things can very easily be misinterpreted. Your ex is talking to you in real life as a person and that's great! don't show her that you're easily bothered by the small things otherwise she may start to hide things from you. Instead, be her confidante, someone she can open up to and the fact that she said it's next to impossible to be friends means she still holds strong feelings for you. Keep your cool, you're doing great :) ... I don't show like I'm bothered with him whatever he does and never question his statuses or get mad if he doesn't reply to my text. It's working a lot better for me than the other way cos he's the one who calls me and involves me in his plans now. I'm not saying be cold with her and especially cos you're in LD try to call her randomly and tell her good things about your life or share a serious moment with her that will make her feel comfortable to open up to you too, and make her feel like she's needed and that her opinion matters to you. I rang my ex last week and said something is bothering me I don't feel like I can talk to anyone here and he called me straight away and we discussed the issue like very good friends ;) ... In LD you have to keep her intrigued and not forget about you so share yourself with her, good news, happy moments, stressful moments (small doze)... cos in your situation she still loves you so you can do all that :) that's my opinion ...
Hi Rihanna, I was talking to her and she replied with whatever. I am not in a relatioship with her and she said she does not wants to be friends with me.
I changed my WhatsApp number and deleted my WhatsApp old account. I was thinking for a week or so I won't be the one to contact her. When she told me its next to impossible to be friends I relied no problem. She did not reply me back.
I wanna get back happy again and then start using my old WhatsApp . I did this because she does not seems interested at all. She was the one to initiate the conversation but she treated me bad for the past few days. She said the conversation was just general.
I told her as I had seen her status I thought it was for me and said things and I should have not said those as a friend.
Should I resume with me old WhatsApp and start showing her that I am happy or can I wait a few days before that ?
Hey Anon, My ex was acting like that when we first broke up and even worse, he was completely ignoring me. So what I did along with my NC is I hid my 'last seen' on Whatsapp so that he wasn't able to tell whether I'm active on it or not. However, I changed my profile pic on whatsapp and my profile pic on facebook where I got lots of likes and comments and I commented back sounding very happy and positive. Every now and then I'd go out and write on my status: 'I had a great night thank you (names) for making my night special and the food was YUM!' some things like that but not anything to convey that I'm dating or I have a suitor (that's wrong if you want your ex back). After 30 days of maintaining a positive attitude online I sent him a letter via facebook messaging saying that 'the past is the past I'm moving forward with my life but it would be a shame to lose contact even as friends'... He rang me after that letter 2 days later and we've been on good talking terms since, he even shares his life plans with me. I don't think you should stop anything that you're doing eg: whatsapp or facebook cos that will give her the idea that you're suffering and that's why you stopped them. We women always assume things and even if it's not true we make ourselves believe that it is because it is in our nature to love attention especially from men especially ones we're attracted to. My advice also is, do not by any means show her interest that you're jealous over her statuses etc... she'll think 'OMG he's so obsessed with me' and take advantage of that, so even though she would want to get back with you she'd play harder to get because she knows you care TOO much. Especially when she's got a pic with a guy friend of hers on FB just ignore it like it doesn't bother you one bit. In the meantime keep your adventures interesting and fun and if you have pretty girls for friends get them to like and leave cute comments on your pics. Do Not post sleezy pics, or nights you've had too much to drink, or girls sitting on your lap...etc... there's a fine line between sleezy yuck and an attractive hunk and you want to come across as the latter. Give her some more space and time and let her come to you slowly. Good luck
Thank you so much Rihanna. Should I resume my WhatsApp today or after some time? I had planned to do it after a week or so.
She is not added on my Facebook I had removed her as a friend.
The difference here is that I already had a no contact of 45 days and then she had only texted me now she refuses to be friends. She told me that she had missed me. Now she has stopped texting at all. But I know that she is talking to this guy friend for hours and hours. I am still confused weather to disappear for some time or not.
Annon,
i agree with rihanna,but first you need to be relax and work on yourself.i'm not saying that you should restart NC for a long time.but i suggest LC. and let her chase you sometimes. thats not impossible. disappear for a very little while.wait until she contacts you and seriously don't think about any negative things and don't care if they are talking or not.the more you chase her right now,the more you are pushing her further away.let her think that you are moving on.and you don't think about getting back together.
Thank you guys, I was gonna tell her about everything I feel and then disappear but I guess I should not do so.
I am very sad because I think I will have to leave the city she lives in and it makes me cry every time I think about it. I wanna share things with her so badly. Almost everything is pulling me down but you guys really help. Thanks :)
Guys I am feeling like what I was feeling when we broke up, I wake up every single night dreaming of her, I am stuck with my career too, I can't even think properly, please help.
Anon,
whatever you feel right now,is normal.you are hurt and you should give yourself some time to heal.i totally understand you but you should work on yourself.don't stalk her at all.go out and have some fun.don't talk about her to anyone.whenever you think like you wanna talk ,come here and talk to us.focus on your job.you should distract yourself for a little while.be sure little by little things are getting better.
Guys!!!
My ex girlfriend replied to my email after 2 days! This reply was rather heart-braking! We are close to East-Coast and she said that she is moving to West-Coast next week!! It means I won't see for a long long time, maybe for ever! There will be 3 hours time difference between us! She has a lot of friends there including two ex boyfriends!!
Hi Dara,
I'm sorry to hear that. But did she say anything else other than moving away in her email? At least she still cares enough to share that with you, it's good that she responded and any response is better than none. I am in a LD from my ex and with today's technology it can still work out although it is harder. You could still fb and skype and snapchat and whatsapp each other and if your circumstances allow you can visit each other from time to time once you get close enough.
Don't worry about her two ex boyfriends, if she wanted to get back with an ex she'd get back with her most recent one. Obviously she would've had to move on ages ago from those two exes to be able to date a new person, you. Concentrate on yourself and being a good supportive friend for her instead. I know LD is hard. Good luck Dara :)
Dear Dara,
i'm really really happy that she replied to your email and its really good and i'm really sorry that she is leaving but its not like the end of the story. its upto you whether you want to go for it and give it a try to have a long distance relationship and its not really impossible.don't worry about the exes.i have been somewhere for a while that i had more than 2 exes there and nothing happened.try to meet her before she leaves,be cool and confident and i'm really sure you are.then i believe you know exactly what to do next.
Dear Rihanna and a.z.,
She sent me a sincere letter! I could see what annoyed her about her life lately. With my experience, it is great to know what annoys a girl! She kept it as a secret when our relationship went sour! Yes, I consider it a positive sign!
You know, its been a long time that I did not have a wonderful sex! Plus to me, a great relationship is sex and love! I am no more that teenage guy who would get high on talking to a girl on the phone! I need real girls in my life! I think its over if she goes away! Oops! A typo in my previous comment, she said she will probably move in around the first week of August. So, probably in 2-3 weeks!
Also, I don't really care about her ex boyfriends! I don't know why did I mention it up there! I remember once she said that there were 2 guys that she loved to marry in her life. One was me! :) The other one is married! :)
Kevin, I always loved you emails but I hated your address at the bottom of your emails! In January, she spent 10 days without me over there! Now she can drive there half a day! ha ha ha...
PS: When she was there (East coast), she would say, "how come you are not asleep now? Go to bed!". In fact, I couldn't sleep when she was not around! So, I was awake till morning sometimes! ha ha ha....
Typo!!!! West coast!
Hey Dara,
I have a feeling you two will end up together. I hope I'm right :)
me too,i'm really waiting for good news from you.
Thanks a.z. and Rihanna! Truly appreciate your reply and hopes you to induce in me.
I think its probably over. I sent her the reply this morning and invited her to catch up this evening. I was mad like 3 months ago, I would reply her instantly. ha ha ha... Probably I would have written a second letter to complete what I did not say in the first letter! ha ha ha... Thanks to this NC! I am much stronger now.
I believe there are really very slim chances. I believe I can handle it really good.
Thanks again!
i'm glad that you are ok .you are disappointed not because of your stage( cuz its actually good) but because you don't like to be in a long distance relationship.but its not really that bad.you can visit time to time and seriously it can't be that bad.btw i'm really happy to see you are doing good.
Last night I drank a lot but simply listened to music and thought of what could I write in my email today. She replied it back in an hour. Her response was neutral. She said she has a plan for tonight so she can't have dinner with me. I think I missed something in her response just now (LOL)! I did not talk about GSI. That wasn't really good but I think that will be a good reason to catch her up though text and ask her what is this job that she is going to start over there!
Oh! a.z., I talked to that lifeguard girl a couple of days ago, she said she's here just for summer and will go back to another state. So she's out. Before that I had talked to girl (remember she wrote her name on my hand to be friends on facebook first?). She will also go to another country in December and what I understood from her words is that she does not like start a relationship what would eventually end in nothing. So she's out too! Yet, there are a lot girls that I have in my mind to talk to next. I have been going on the basis of my priority so far. LOL
Coming back to my ex, I believe goodbye is inevitable. Maybe I sound mean but frankly its a long time that I did not have sex! Sex makes me think fluent. Long Distance (which is the best case that I am with my ex) does not work for me.
I feel good today! Yeayyy!!
your comment made me smile,i guess you are the second champ here .keep up the good job Dara. i'm sure with these huge wave of girls around you ,we are gonna hear that you are in a relationship soon lol. and your comment shows how much you have improved yourself during NC.you are simply saying that you don't want to get back with her and you are really ok with it.
keep us posted Dara
a.z.,
The fact is that today my feelings are mixed. I sometimes think that if she is gone, I will miss her. Sometimes I feel that I can date anyone without any regrets. I was on Facebook and just happened to see one of our conversations! It was all praises on how awesome I am and how she loved me!
i understand you,i still feel the same.i used to reread our msgs on fb and it felt awful.don't do it again.i totally know how you feel but don't think about the future right now. she is still there and no one knows what will happen in the future.try to have more fun these days,go out.try not to think about negative things at all.i don't know if you you are planning to meet her or not but i think it would be better to show her how strong and confident you are.
and about me, i don't feel anything for the new guy anymore.it has been like a couple of days that i'm like this.he is really hot but i don't even like to kiss him,so it sounds like another rebound.i miss my ex.after i unblocked him,he sent me a few msgs and every time i replied too late ( not on purpose ) .he said he is not back yet.and he is kinda cold and i think its because i unblocked him too late.i think he feels like i don't care and he is acting kinda cold.i'm really tired of this hide and seek kinda game.and i don't know why,whenever i talk to him i feel kinda bad and its not just because he is cold.i feel bad when i remember him.i miss him and i don't like this feeling its really hurting me.i'm doing everything to be happy and its not like i think about him all the time ,but i miss him.
a.z.,
I understand you. Your case is different from mine. You talked about marrying one day. We did not talk about it. Whenever she tried to talk about marriage, I strayed away.
I know for you playing it hard has become a part of your personality. It's hard to change it over a night. It takes some time. Showing him new you also takes time. When he start trusting that you have changed he will come much closer to you. I personally believe that you will end up being together.
By the way, I got a girl's number today in the gym. She's a bit taller than me! If she becomes my next girlfriend she'll be the tallest one! ha ha ha... Probably 1 foot 2 inch (or around 40 cm) taller than my previous girlfriend! ha ha ha... Unfortunately, she said she will go back to her home at the end of this week and won't be here for 3 weeks! I want it now!!! ha ha ha...
yeah,i need to show him that i'm changing and it takes time.thank you for being optimistic.
wow ,it really makes me happy.every girl is kinda into you :D. lol you still have time to hang out with her,then wait for her and hang out with other girls until she getd back :D
a.z.,
I am glad that I can talk to you here!
I hate thinking like this about my ex, but I have a feeling that she is slightly a kind of "gold digger". I have checked her Facebook pictures with her ex boyfriends. They traveled to a lot of places. Yet, they were wealthy. To her mind, an ideal life is that in which you travel to Florida one week and then go to California the next week. But I am grown up in a family where education is the most important thing. Yet, I have a scholarship to do PhD in Engineering. This stipend is enough for a student live and have a road trip (even to Florida/California) once in breaks! When we were in good days, she would say that when we marry and I graduate, we'll become rich! She kept calculating my future salary! My mind says that she is not the right girl for me though she also had a lot of good characters!
About today's girl; she was looking at me and I realized that she might be interested in me. So I went to her and asked her about her number and invited to play volleyball with my friends. LOL
a.z., please feel free to update me! I think you are a bit down today!
So am i,
Well,if you really think like that,then i should say you deserve someone really really better than her or she doesn't deserve you.but deep down i don't like to say that. i do believe she has also lots of + point cuz you are an amazing person and she made you love her once for a long time so she must be an amazing person too.but when you start to see the negative points of your ex,its really a good sign and it means that you worked on yourself really well and this is what i say every time i read your comments.and still i'm saying its really upto you to continue and get her back or not cuz i'm sure you are strong,confident and attractive enough to reattract her.i have never seen you and never heard your voice and i have no memory with you in real life ( although i believe you are not just a virtual friend to me ),but i really like you ( in a good way :D ) ,i mean how can she not like you?she loved you once and you have been acting great since you started to follow the plan.
and i said before,whenever a girl stares at you,she is definitely into you.well done :D
yeah to be honest,i think he is just losing time.and i told you the day he called,he said,IF IF everything will be ok someday,then we are gonna get back together.why would he say if like that? it was more like don't be optimistic ayria,we are not gonna get back with each other cuz nothing is gonna be alright haha.
he just doesn't have a heart to let me go and lose me forever and i think he kinda doesn't want me to start a new relationship and then he is really successful cuz i can't start a relationship.and since it has been long time and now that he is acting like this,and hasn't called or text or anything in a week,i think he is moving on.i don't know why but counting the days kinda makes me sick.whenever i say its been 5 months,i feel like its enough.i don't even want to see him cuz i'm scared.i don't want to feel depressed again.i'm scared that i meet him again,and again and again and then after the perfect date which it will end up having sex,i become a complete depressed psycho while he is happy thinking that after 6 or 7 months i'm still not over him.
i know i shouldn't be thinking about future like that,but i just wanted you to know how i really feel.
and i can't take a step forward because i'm really scared,if i was sure about his feelings,i wouldn't have lost a moment to show him how much i love him. its crazy but i am also thinking that i should be the one who tells him i need time cuz i can't forget the past.i can't forget what he did to me.he almost killed me,that month was the worst month of my life and now i'm doing everything so he can forgive me?
i'm really tired of everything and i remember when kevin says if its meant to be he is gonna come back. and then again i say to myself that i didn't even started the most important plan to reattract him and i'm always running from meeting him.
sorry it was too long ,i have never said these to anyone but i wanted you to know.i'm still hurt and really scared.
Hey a.z.,
I read the whole story twice! I clearly understand you! I will be glad to see if you have more to add! As I said before, I believe he has also started playing mind games. I remember one of Kevin's recent comments. He said to someone who gave up that, giving up is the best solution but I still find people who would like to endure the pain to get their ex back.
I believe in general these "breakup days" have made you strong! Even though you might feel low once in a while, they are not comparable to days. Remember, you said you were close to commit suicide? Now, the story has changed! You are no more close to that point!
I can understand that your feelings towards this new guy might be nothing, but fake it and go for it (at least for now). It will help you overcome a lot of things. They say sex is mood stabilizer to both men and women! That's not cheating in your case or mine! Do it!
You know something, I feel this girl has delay in replying me back in texts. There are chances that she is not the one but I am confident enough not to get upset! The idea that she was starring at me assures me that she was thinking of me with her. I also have two more options in my mind right now. These two are colleagues and I don't want to talk to one while the other one is there! If one is out, I should count on the other! LOL
a.z., write me more! I will be glad to hear you!! I also like the way you comment!
thank you very much Dara, you always make me fool good
we had a small conversation right after i posted the last comment here.i saw he was online and i initiated it.he was TRYING to act good.or maybe i feel this way because he said he was just finished with his works and was really tired.i didn't ask about the wifi but once he said he had no internet access.he said he is getting back tomorrow.he tried to joke a little and thats it.
yeah i know but every time i want to let go,i feel like the meetings are the most important part of the plan.i really want to show him the new me.and i hope during this time he can see the change in my behavior and everything.
dara,please tell me if i'm doing the right thing,i will be even really glad to let it go now but i don't like to regret about anything later.after the chat i cried for him after about 2 months.
and the new guy is making me feel stressed.every time i'm busy doing something,he says are you not calling me cuz you are thinking about your ex? :O :O and that makes me think about my ex more.i seriously can't take anymore pressure.thank you very much for being here for me.
and about that girl,well its a kinda method we use when we are texting new guys :D .don't worry if she doesn't reply right after your text. and its great that you have other options around.so you go for it lol.anygirl would be so lucky to have you as her boyfriend.you are such a good friend .
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING <3
a.z.,
I can see your feelings through you comments. I can't say that you are 100% right. I also cannot say you are 100% wrong. There are always nuance things happening that you never get to explain them here! But you know them deep in your mind! You just cannot explain them! I can see that this hot guy is a rebound! I also feel bad that you are still confused after this long time!
I remember that Kevin recommended sometime to give yourself a deadline and do whatever you think might be best for your relationship. If that deadline is passed and you could not attain what you want, move on! In you case, I find it hard to say! It's really hard! Maybe you have to do this to convince yourself. Do whatever you think that might bring you two together. If it does not work after the deadline you made, move on! This stress is really killing! It's even hard for me to judge now! He has reasons to show he does not care and you also have reasons for it!
Anyway, my suggestion is to give him a period like 2 months in your mind. Act like a man! Invite him! Do whatever is expected! If you do not get what you expected, move on! This stress is really tremendous! It will affect you life for years!!
Anyway, I believe tomorrow you will feel much better! This is how the trend is! One day you feel bad, the other day you are not sure why exactly you felt so bad yesterday!!
take care a.z. and update me! I am here!
thank you so much,i can't appreciate your presence in words.
actually i feel really really better now.the deadline idea is really good.2 months from now.and i'm gonna meet him 3 times.so september 20th is gonna be the last day of this breakup story.if it won't work i'm gonna remove him from everything in my life forever.and it feels good.
you can't imagine how much you helped me with this idea.i wish i could make you feel good.but you are too strong and you don't need me to feel good.
so its a deal and i'm not gonna break it.and you don't have to let me say a word about him after this time.
thank you so so much dara xoxo
a.z.,
Please don't say that you won't say anything about him to us! This deal means that you can undergo any destructive feelings which you need to share with us! So please don't hesitate to share it with us! I am here to talk about it!
Thank you Dara xxxx
You are welcome a.z.!!
Thank You So Much for making this whole thing
This is my first day n while reading this i aldready felt better :D
I really hope i get my ex back after the 30 days of no contacting I'm counting on you :)
Thank you sooooo much
Hey..
I'm back n a relationship with my ex after a period of nc. We're happier dan before nd everythng is going pretty much better. In our previous I was like a wife type of gf.. but now i'm cool with stuff and not needy at all. But yesterday my guy told that he wants to go to a strip club with me. :-( i'm so hurt since then because he already knows that i would love to do strip teasing for him. (We have never gone to a room yet but we talk about future nd stuff we wanna do) obviously i don't wanna see some other girl stripping infront of my guy and giving him lap dances. I told him that I don't like his idea, but since he got that thought he'll anyways go with or without my permission. So i told him to do anything he likes but at the end if i get to know something hurtful i might leave. and he was like 'jeez! The wify gf is back again. What happened to my cool gf?????'
I can't be cool with this stripping club issue. :-( i'm so worried. I didn't talk much with him after that conversation. :-( please tell me what to do.
hey dew,
i know how you feel right now but if he says he wants to go with you,its not that bad.he could have gone there alone without telling you anything.i think you might be over reacting.and this is one of the things that may make our partners lie in a relationship.i'm not saying to do whatever he wants but you should be cool and relaxed.if you don't like the idea,just say how you really feel about that and what you expect from him.you can't predict things by saying that you will leave if you find anything hurtful.i went to a strip club with my ex,i mean i suggested to go there,and since i was with him,nothing bad happened. it was actually really fun lol . you should know that your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt you .
Hey dew,
I had zero problems with what I've read even with going to strip tease (and I'm more of a traditional type of girl) and then something bothered me in your post, and funny it wasn't the 'let's go to a strip club' but this: 'Jeez! the wifey gf is back again. What happened to my cool gf?' hmmm, wifey gf= someone I'd commit to and have a future with; vs cool gf= someone I'd have fun with. I hope I'm wrong so let's hear what others have to say...
i don't think if he means he just want to have fun with her. he says wifey gf to say she is acting the way most of the wives do and its when the wives act like mothers. and i believe most of the men like their wives to be like cool gfs. its not about just going to strip clubs.the important thing is to understand each other and have a good relationship.
I agree with a.z, he might mean the wifey gf= don't mother me. I'm gonna suggest what once kevin suggested, give yourself a time limit let say 3 months or 6 (you would know better) and go have fun with him if you're saying that this new relationship with him is much better than before then, why not be open minded with each other and do the fun things you enjoy. If in 6 months time your relationship doesn't progress AT ALL and he's still just having fun and using the 'wifey gf' excuse, I'd probably move on from him. But like a.z said if you're both on the same page and have an understanding of what you want to achieve out of life in your relationship, then you know best what to do :)
I should think about it further. Anyways he told that he wnt mention anything about it again.. this issue might lead him to cheat but I ll go with the flow. :-)
hey Dara,Edward,Rihanna,Festival David,
remember when i blocked him on facebook that nigh?i guess it has been 10 days now.when he called me the nest day,we talked alot and in the end, he asked me to unblock him and send him a friend request again.and i said i will.he went to another city and there was no internet access. he sent me the you should promise me something... text and since then,we had no contact (like 6 or 7 days ).i know he is back now and i haven't unblocked him yet.and i don't know what to do. isn't it crazy to unblock him after 10 days out of nowhere?
i think i should wait until he contacts me and then i should say something like i was busy ,i'm sorry i forgot it.
seriously i have no idea.and since that night ( the night we argued) , he told my friend that he doesn't want to get back with me,i'm not initiating any contact.
what do you guys think i should do?
Hey a.z,
In my opinion unblocking on facebook is a good idea especially that he asked you to do it regardless whether or not you fought with each other I think it might be a positive thing. 1) he might be waiting for some contact from you cos he has an ego and doesn't want to initiate since you both fought. 2) Unblocking him is a way of contact but it's not really an initiation from you either, it's a good way to sort of wake him up 'Hey! I'm still here' but without hurting your pride and if he says anything just say 'I promised to unblock you and I always keep my promises'. And don't worry about what he said to your friend, obviously he still holds hope for you and he was just angry when he told your friend he doesn't want to initiate contact. I think you should leave friends out of it. If I were you I'd pretend I don't know what he's told my friend and still act friendly with him because you don't 100% know for sure he's told your friend that. I think 'Unblocking' him would be a step to contact with him again and it's way better than a message on its own at this stage. Next time you two meet, try ending an argument with him should one arise, especially if it's over stupid things, it'll show maturity on your end and is more attractive than a woman yelling back. Good luck a.z :)
Come on a.z.!! You are reading a book on "Non-Violence Communication!" Unblock him! Don't bother what he said to his friends! That doesn't count! Truly!
Its up to you! If you want a progress take a step! He asked you to Unblock him and you agreed. Don't be a deal-breaker!
you are right, i just sent him a friend request. thank you very much guys xoxo
Great a.z.! If it was me, I would invite my friends to a party or a drink at least on seeing that "Friend's request"! I know you want "him " to take a step but sometime it really great to see when a girl takes the role of a man in a relationship! That's really attractive when a man loves a girl! Probably in your case, it's true!
thanks dara,he accepted my request and said: what a surprise!
ha ha ha ha ha... I was truly a surprise to him! Good!
Franky I don't know why, but I write "I" instead of "It" and "you" instead of "your" in some of my comments! I don't like these typos!
Hey guys! Anyone have any insight for me? https://exbackpermanently.com/get-your-ex-back/comment-page/#comment-31735
Thanks so much!!
Diana,
I think I can understand your guy. I also believe that I did not have any support for many years and I am a "ONE MAN ARMY". I even hate it people try to unnecessarily support me because it destroys the idea of "ONE MAN ARMY".
Marriage is a commitment. If your guy has been on his own, his soul must be tired by now. Being cheated makes soul more frustrated. He is not ready for more loads at this moment.
I believe what you are doing is the best. Make some distance with him. If you get closer to him, it will push him away. Let him come back to you. Apparently he is interested in you. He is doing therapy because he finds something wrong with him at this moment. He texted you when he was drunk because when we are drunk we miss the ones we love. However this love does not necessarily mean reconciliation. So, do what you were doing till now. I see you in the right track!
Just a side note on you child: more likely he will be antagonist or atheist! LOL My parents were from two different religions and backgrounds, I believe in non! LOL
Best of luck Diana!
Thanks Dara! Unfortunately I just don't think he's going to come back to me as much as I want him to. I think he loved me SO much that he lost himself in it. He told me when we broke up that he wasn't used to worrying so much about someone else (me), etc. I call that love but I guess it was just a new concept to him. So now, besides having his issues, he also needs to take time to re-center himself. Of course I also don't want to wait around forever which is why I'm trying to date other people but my heart isn't in it. I guess I'll just stick with what I've been doing and see what happens. Thanks for your insight :)
I think you know well what going on!! Best of luck!!
Kevin I need your help!
So I met him at the airport, as I have told you previously we had booked the same tickets when we were still together. I approached him and we had a small chit chat. I was calm and pleasant and I told him about my new projects (a dance performance and some interview jobs). He was indeed quite impresssed.But I got the feeling tha he was too calm and friendly. Is it possible he is already in the friend zone?
I was the first who left the conversation. The fact is that a friend of mine just told me that he knows that I know about this other person in his life. Remember we broke up about 2 months ago after a 2 and half years relationship.
Is there still hope? I am so perplexed and sad after I saw him that cool. Should I begin my NC again since I met him yesterday? All of a sudden I feel so desperate!
please help.........
Julia
hey,
how long have you been on NC? btw don't worry if he was cool and acted like friends.this is what you exactly need to do.you should be cool and act like friends. i don't know about your NC timing.if its finished then its ok.contact him and act like friends.i mean you can use the word friends( its actually the falsefriendship ),then he will feel the same as you do right now.try to have a short sweet conversation like a couple of times.then meet him and again act like friends.be cool about everything.don't expect anything emotional from him and avoid being romantic.the more you try to act like friends,hopefully the more he will want you as his girlfriend later.bring up the good memories you two had in the past and try to create good memories.his mind will automatically join them to the time you had in bliss.always be cool,happy and confident. never talk about negative things and never say anything about the breakup reason or getting back together.meet him again after some time and create scarcity.this means that you should act the way that he feels like your presence is gonna be over soon and he might be losing you forever.he doesn't have to be sure if you are dating someone or anything.then again continue being cool and meet him again.and this should be a perfect date and end up in a place you two can be intimate.as kevin suggested,read ryan rivers relationship rewind.it will explain what exactly you should do.
A.z thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it!
Actually before I met him I was in 2 weeks NC.Which I believe is too soon since I didn'handle our break up that well. I did many of the mistakes that Kevin has mentioned. And now I feel awful about it.
I was trying to show him that I am moving on with my life and doing things I love. But I think it's too soon for this "friend" zone.
Plus the fact that he is seeing someone else makes it quite hard for me. I am thinking of keeping the NC plan for at least 2 months. What do you think?..
Again thank you...:)
your welcome,
since you didn't act needy when u saw him at the air port,i think 1 month is enough.and probably he will contact you during this time.don't worry if he is seeing someone its probably a rebound.don't ever say anything about it to him.just be cool.i insist on trying to show him that you are really having a great time without him.check your situation after NC.if you are not ok ,continue it for 2 or 3 weeks and if he contacts during this additional time,break it and act like friends.
and don't worry about the mistakes you have made,its ok. he will forget about it soon.as long as you are being cool and confident,there is nothing to worry about.
Good luck
A.z you'r right. I haven't mentioned though a crucial detail. My roomate and friend is also his friend ( actually they know each other longer time). I know she tries to stay neutral and it's quite hard for her too.
My ex though told me at the airport that I asked about him and he knows it. I assume my friend told him that she had to tell me about this 'rebound relationship' since I kept asking her. How bad do you think that is? Of course I decided never ever to speak about this issue to my friend.I don't think I can trust her that much.
Again thanks...
you are doing the right thing.never talk about anything about him to her.in fact you can use it as your advantage.tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you saw him and it was not like what you thought it would be.that you are really ok and you are moving on.then pretend like you don't care and you don't want to talk about him.
don't worry if he knows you kept asking about him.its done and its in the past.the most important thing is that you haven't shown anger or neediness and you haven't talked about it to him.everything you did was normal ,i mean everyone wants to know what their exes are doing and its been 2 weeks after your NC so that was really normal.just be cool.you will be fine.
I've tried to post in the comments using your guidelines but my comment was never posted so hopefully third time's the charm.
I've found your website to be really helpful during the last few days and would love your feedback on my situation with my ex boyfriend. It's a little different than most because
1. I broke up with him
2. He initiated the NC
We started dating in November and are both 26. We broke up (for what seems like for good) in April.
During this time I was in a very controlling and unhealthy live in relationship when I met my ex at art school where we were both students. We began an affair. It was the first and only time I have ever cheated and will never do so again. We fell head over heels in love, like nothing I've ever felt before. My boyfriend at the time found out I was cheating on him in January and kicked me out of our apartment.
I ended up moving home to Arizona and finished my last semester of art school via independent study. My ex still has a year left. My ex got kind of freaked out by the whole thing and just wanted to be my friend for most of January and all of February. At the end of February he decided he wanted to be with me. We planned on me moving back to his city, talked about the future, were more in love than ever. However I never got over what happened in January and was scared he would leave me again and I was contemplating doing this art program abroad in the Middle East. So I ended things.
For about a month and a half after that he was devastated. Wanting to get back with me, telling me he would wait forever, that he would never forgive himself for hurting me before, etc.
At the end of May I began to heal from the past hurt, and rethink my desire to move abroad. I never stopped loving him. I told him I wanted to get back together. At first he seemed enthusiastic and then after a week or so started acting really cold and distant, saying he just wanted to be friends and needed to focus on his art.
For all of June I was a needy mess, crying, calling him, emailing, etc. He told me he wanted space and we agreed not to talk until after my vacation at the end of August and we would decide then whether we wanted to be together or not. I said okay.
About a week later I emailed him and laid out everything. Told him how scared I was before, how much I love him, and that I didn't want to wait 8 weeks to tell him my feelings. No response.
Two days ago I texted him because I found out he said something about me being clingy and I heard about it through the grapevine. He ended up agreeing to talk to me on the phone and told me his romantic feelings for me have died, that he was just being nice to me in May when I wanted him back, and that I'm fixated on him among other things. He told me I needed to move on and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. We agreed not to speak again until after my trip and then to try and be friends.
After we hung up I texted him and told him that he's right and I need to fall out of love with him and that I'm glad he respects me enough to want me to move on and be happy. He said that he appreciated it and that he cares about me and respects me.
Today I emailed him apologizing for my behavior, that I accept the break up and that it's for the best, but that I need time for my heart to catch up with my head and figure myself out and I don't know how long it will take and that it might take longer than after my trip like we planned.
I know I've made a ton of mistakes during this situation, but didn't find your website until recently. i love your daily emails. It's just hard because I don't know what to believe of what he says, I dumped him first, and he initiated the NC.
PLEASE HELP!
Kevin,
Just hung out with her. We meditated together. After we were done, we went outside because she wanted to talk. she told me she felt guilty cause I was there (since she is with the RR). And also said felt guilty that's I had to go through it. I asked if she wanted me to go away and she said "I don't know. " asked if she wanted me I. Her life and she said the same. long story short, I told her I'm going to step back, but always be there for her. We said I love you.
Can I get your thoughts. Really confused.
DF
sorry for jumping in,but you shouldn't have said that you are always there for her.i mean she can continue with her RR with a relaxed mind.she has no worries for losing you.i guess you should wait for a couple of days,then text her and say you have been thinking and you respect her choice but you want to move on,wish her the best in her new relationship and say you can be friends again after some time. then start NC
i know it hurts,but don't panic.if she loves you, she is not gonna move on over the next month.you need to to this if you don't want to be the third wheel or a backup.you can contact her again after NC and this time u need to follow the plan without showing her any signs of love.
Thanks a.z. Don't be sorry for jumping in, it's great advice!
I only said I'll be there because of her health issues. I planned on going NC tonight. I know she's not going to forget me. I will also tell her that I want to move on as well. And then go NC. I left out some details to keep it short.
At the end I wished her the best with everything. And said I'm going to go away.
Hey DF,
After a rebound relationship, people need a little space and time to figure it out what they want. She knows you love her and you've already did your best to try and make it work. If you give her space and time to think about it, maybe she'll come back. Keep in contact with her, always be warm and friendly and keep hanging out with her if she wants to. Get into her comfort zone and make sure not to come across as needy. You'll know when she is annoyed and so back off when she feels that way. Let her decide because you don't want to always be the one chasing. In my experience with my ex, this is how I've dealt with this situation. When I asked my ex if she wanted to be together with me, she said she didn't know too. But I have confidence that if I ask her now, she'll say yes. So follow the plan and you should have a good chance, good luck and stay cool (:
Thanks Edward. She is currently in a relationship, which I believe to be a rebound. Again , I think I'm gonna lay low and wait til the missing feeling happens. It's great advice. And i am moving on with my life
DF
DF,
I have been following your story. It confused me too. I believe a.z. and Edward said the best approach. Now, it makes sense why she wanted to friend-zone you.
Hi Dara.
All the advice has been great. But it's definitely gotten a bit confusing.
Last night through text, I wished her the best and told her this is a good time for me to move on and we can be friends when some time passes.
She responded with a picture of her puppy. We joked back and forth about that. And then she sent another picture of a short she was wearing and she said "Just know that this reminds me of you."
She's been texting me since 730am today. Commented on my outfit first thing. So if it was confusing before, I think I'm more confused now. She just rolled right past me saying I'm gonna move on and all that! Haha
DF
DF,
I believe she is confused too. She's undecided between you and him. So she go back and comes forth. I believe you should apply NC. She has to decide.
I have experience somewhat the same situation DF when she ignored me but then she send "something remind me of you"(I'm totally blocked now ha ha ha...). I truly understand your confusion. Don't allow her to play with your feelings. Do NC for your sake and for her to conclude what she wants.
We'll be glad to hear updates from you!
Best of luck DF.
Thanks again Dara.
Gonna go NC see what happens.
Thanks for the support everyone!
You're welcome DF!
It's really hard to see anyone in the situation that I was in the first days after the breakup even before the breakup when nothing seemed to be working.
Thanks again!
Kevin and everyone else:
First, I want to say thanks so much for the time you've spent reading my comments, responding, and getting involved in my story. Though the pain still hasn't gotten better despite my best efforts over the last 3 months or so, I came across a realization. I need to go about this in my own way from now on. I'm still going to follow most of this advice, so thanks for the article and the emails (I'll still be reading the emails). However, I realized that this stuff may work for normal girls, but the girl I fell in love with was no normal girl. She was so different from your typical girl, and that's why I fell in love with her. I need to stop asking you guys for advice before I do anything. I just need to pray to God that I do the right thing and trust myself for once. In fact, that's probably one of the reasons she lost attraction for me in the first place. Thanks for the support, the interpretations, and the advice. But I need to do the rest without help.
It'll hurt to not have any support anymore (my friends, brothers, and even my parents are tired of hearing me talk about this), but I need to get through this. Thank you, and good luck to everyone.
David,
I like the way you described her! I think we both are in the same both in that case! I also started liking her because she was not like the girls I had seen before! She was not and is not as attractive as some of my ex-girlfriends but the breakup with her made me search the whole internet and obsessed me with WHY?!
With my experience, I can say most of your feelings are normal! Keep trying the best for you!
Hey David I'm glad to hear that you're ready to take full control of your own situation because it means that you're strong enough to handle the consequences no matter which way they go. I salute you! you've shown much maturity and intelligence to know your relationship enough to take steps on your own. Just know that we're here for you still and if you just want to come and vent (without any advice given) you're welcome to. Whenever you feel down we'd like to support you even if not advising you. And whenever you feel happy (and I pray you reach that point with her very soon) we'd like to share with your happiness, until you're ready to leave this site once things get great for you again. Good luck :)
Thank you both, and thank you all. I just had to look back to see how people replied. I'm grateful that the people here are genuinely nice people, who seem to have grown to care about each other and their lives. It amazes me. If I drop by, you can give advice; I'll accept it :) But I really need to try this situation without any more venting, and without any more advice. It's really tough, but I think I've given myself too much time for grief. I know when she starts bringing a guy friend places to our mutual friend hangouts it will be tough, but I won't get past the situation otherwise. I'll drop by if there's an important update, just to see what you guys think. Otherwise, I need to be on my own. Thanks again, signing out.
Hey David,
Don't ever regret that you gave too much time for grief. Every relations requires its own time for grief. Thanks and good luck!
My ex said she decided to be with me is not good for her and she moved on from it. Haven't talked to her since see sent me that text.
Heard she probably seeing someone. Last time I saw her I saw her with a dude at her work. So how do I even know I have a chance to get back with her. How do I know it's a rebound especially with no contact for a month.
Wrote letter to her last time I saw her work with that guy I said I loved her and what not. Next day she said she don't hate me and letter meant something but that when she sent that not want to be with me text.
Hi Joe,
How long was the relationship with your ex? There's nothing you can do about what she decides. You can only improve on yourself. Do NC and find happiness without her, maybe one day she'll contact you. You are more important, I hope you're feeling alright.
don't be needy.no one likes a needy person.but i think a heart to heart talk would help.tell him how you feel and what you expect from him without judging him or anything like that.
i'm sorry joe that comment above was supposed to be dew's respond.
btw,how long have you guys been togeather and when did you break up?
its probably a rebound but during NC you don't have to be thinking about any of these.you should concentrate on your life and try to be happy,confident and attractive.
She was showing me all kind of signs and saying that I will always be the one for her.
I am in another city so I thought it would be okay to go over the phone I asked for a hug and she said once its over let it be over
I said I guess you're right. She didn't reply back. I guess I will have to do no contact again right ? Should I leave any other message too ?
i'm sorry but it absolutely wasn't the right time to go over the phone.u said she has been acting hot and cold and that shows she is still confused.you need to reattract her first.and this is not happening over a week or even a month.you don't have to be flirty when you are talking to her.she doesn't have to know that you want her back for sure.you need to act like friends then meet her so you can attract her again.
no matter how much she shows you any sign,you should act like friends for now.wait for her to contact you ,then act like friends.ignore her for a little while and then tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you are ok with being just friends. try to show her you are busy and you are having a good time without her.
Thanks a.z for your comment became really desperate I know that. Yesterday a friend of mine stopped talking to her and I thought it was because he found out we were together, I told her this and that I don't wanna spoil thir friendship. She had asked me what talk we had. So I sent her Screenshot where I said I was with her and now I don't wanna chase her anymore. I sent a smiley.
She hasn't replied yet.
don't care if they are talking or not.focus on your life and continue your plan.you should definitely send her the text after a few days.say you are sorry for acting weird,you have been thinking,you respect her choice and you accepted the breakup now.tell her you would be glad if you two could still be friends. this is the exact same thing that many of us have done and it really worked.she will probably say yes. even if you get no respond or a no don't worry.you can contact her again after some time.
We were talking as friends already she said I will always be the one and that's all she wanna say. I got pretty despo in between.
Do you recommend me texting her after few days or doing full no contact again ? What would be better ?
I was thinking of deleting my WhatsApp as I keep on stalking her and my friend who come online at the same time. Would that be fine if I do or should I keep it ? I want to be happy and not just pretend it.
hey,
no you don't need to go on NC for a month.send her the text.then wait for her to contact you.if she doesn't,wait for 2 weeks and send her a text and act like friends.if she is saying that you will always be the one,its really good.all you need is to act like friends for a little while.she needs to feel like she might be losing you.
yeah,if that really hurt you,delete your whatsapp .you are more important than everything.ignore her for a little while.i don't mean full NC or anything.just show her that you are busy with your GSL and you are having a good time.keep the conversations short,avoid flirting and being romantic,she doesn't have to know how you exactly feel .if you are friends on FB,use it to show how happy you are.make positive changes in your life and be confident.thats really atractive,
Good luck
That guy friend of mine is going to my city. She isn't replying me but is replying him he told me that.
I don't feel good I thought I should delete both of their numbers.
I told her that because I saw her status I told her those things and I shouldn't have said that. It's her brother's birthday so I told her to wish him from my side.
Hi Kevin,
I've posted here a couple times and have gotten great advice from Rihanna and a.z, but I really need some professional help and there's been no response... should I post it again?
Hi everyone..
I bk with my ex aftra period of nc. During nc, I stpd being needy nd telling him wen I miss him nd asking him to be with me time to time. Bt nw im bk agn n a relationship. I dnt knw hw to be with him.. is it ok to tell dat i miss him? And be needy?
Hi dew,
If he is happy, I don't think it will hurt by telling him your feelings. You said you two are back in a relationship together, do something fun together and keep it going. A relationship takes work and without the effort to keep it going, you will end up with the breakup cycle again. You be with him by being yourself.
don’t be needy.no one likes a needy person.but i think a heart to heart talk would help.tell him how you feel and what you expect from him without judging him or anything like that.
i have read all this and it sounds helpfull but my ex had clear way said me she doesn't loves me anymore and even i have tried to get in touch with her but she does'nt even wanna hear my name what should i do ?
as life is really misserable .and utmost useless
previously i ha dnothing but i was happy but now i have everything still m buzed.
Janu,
Apply absolute NC for at least 30 days or even 60 days, work hard on yourself, make positive changes in your life. It will increase your chances.
dara
i have tried this its more than a month now i have not called her or txtd her , but she nvr askd for me
but recently 2 days back i gave her a call but she didn't responded back
next week her brdy is cmng i tried to ask her the gift she needed she simply replied tell him{me} to leave me alone tht would be the biggest gift for her .
what should i do dara ?
i do not have nay clue at all.
she doesn't comes out form home , she doesnt goes anywhere
what should be done please let me know .
please mail me also if it is possible and please give me such a resolution that inspite of not knowing you i would thank u fr entire my life .
Janu,
Leave her alone! Let her feel loneliness in her birthday. Let her miss someone who could be there. This is how it works my friend. Send her a short text message a week or two after her birthday. Don't ever send any gifts. Don't act needy. She will find you respectful if you respect yourself.
Maybe in your case, you need 2-3 months of NC in total or even more. This 1 month of NC is for those who broke up with a slight argument.
Good luck!
I don't know where my commets goes...but I have now a question: Is it a good plan to do the NC for like 30 days and then try to contact my ex?
To ask something like : go out for a coffee,or a drink...?
The background is that he broke up with me the 22th of june ,saying that he was tired,and that he wasn't happy anymore( we were in a stressful time) and since then I sent him messages just the first day and then nothing. We saw each other two times because it was the birthday of our friends and everything was nice and calm (but I still feel like shit after). He didn't say that he never want to see me again nor that we couldn't be just friend but he say that that needed time.
Another thing is that he likes fun,careless,solar girls, and I must says that I was like that but recently I lost those points. So do you think that if I let him see that I'm still that person but more mature,he could reconsider his decision?
Do you think that if once there was attraction...could this attraction come back?....
I really miss my partner, and I still love him deeply...so I ready to do whatever it takes to have him back, But I still want a new kind of relationship ...
Please,please...give me some answers, I kinda lost it
Hi Guilia,
If you have read Kevin's articles here, he mentions that after 30-90 days of no contact there is will be a, "I miss you " feeling even with the one who broke up. The exact time cannot be predicted but if the breakup was not extreme, 30 days is the best. It mean attraction will be made but if that attraction is strong enough for a new relationship, no one can say.
About the changes in you. I believe it due to the age. As people grow up, their life becomes more serious and many look for more serious partners as well. I believe there are lots of men outside looking for girls with more mature mentality. My suggestion is don't compromise if he is looking for girls that are not your type.
Thanks for the reply!
I don't know if you read the two comments that I sent sometimes ago, If not I'll repost them if you need more background story (we started at 17 and now we are 22)
I'm not saying that I want to change myself to make him like me, because I'm already like that. It's just that life happened and I sort of lost those characters due to some stress so I was a bit down but not all days.
Maybe we needed this to think about ourselves and recharge our batteries or maybe just to take a little break.
I'm willing to wait those days,but I'm afraid that I'll be the one to have to initiate the contact between us. In that case I'm not sure if to keep the meeting light as the guide says or to gently confront the situation between us since I couldn't say a thing when he broke up.
Not that I want to scream or cry at him...not at all...but I just want to analyze with him why the relationship went downhill like that, just a clarification, I deserve that.
I'm even willing to restart as friends, but with the plan to bring the spark back.
Uhm..maybe I should post the whole story so that you can analyze the situation in a better way...let me know.
thank you again ...I've kinda lost hope to recive an aswer.
Guilia,
I haven't read your previous posts but I believe after some time most of the relationships become less exciting because things get repeated in it. It's no one's fault. Especially in school ages, people tend to explore new things. Yet it depends on the personality. I think that break will make him miss you. Ideally he should contact you after NC but NC itself is enough to prove him that there is something missing in his life.
I'll write a short version of my story: We've been together for 4 years and we're 22.(we actually started dating after few months his father's death, I think I helped him a lot )
The last few weeks we weren't very happy,we had lots of stupid fights (but we always overcame them easily),he was stressed by college,two works (right now he has only one and just on saturday night) and he was in the midst of negotiations to buy a motorcycle (wich ended well). I was stressed by college and by the fact that he was always busy and we haven't had many date between us alone but we were always with our friends.
I've tried many time to cut some time for us but I did understand that friends were important too, but those time where we were able to go out alone went very well. So the last few days went a bit bad mostly my fault because I wanted intimacy but he was always too tired, and that made me kinda annoyed but that would end there. So on that day I talked to him about this but I actually burst to tears because I was feeling bad about myself, he said that he was just tired to do anything and then he got angry and told me to go home because the morning after he had to work early.
The day after he told me he needed to speak with me, and he told me that he wasn't happy right now and that things couldn't continue like this, I ask him to at last think about it a bit more, maybe later (crying like always, it's a bad habit of my) and he said ok. And that day was when I sent him a lot of message. After two days I think I went to his house to talk but he wasn't home and as I was about to leave he came back. He said that he'll visit me that evening. When he came we talked a bit and I agreed at his request to take a brake(a pause) for one week (he said to me very serious that he didn't want to leave me but things needed to change).
In that week I didn't sent him a thing nor did I call him.
After that week on the 22th of June he came home to me saying that we needed to break up...I was a crying mess and I couldn't speak much, but he said that he loves me but not like he used to. He said that I needed to be strong and not live for him because he thinks that I depend too much on him.
He actually don't want to erase me from his life, that we can be friends but not right now because it's too soon.
After that we met two times for our friends birthday and everything went well...I still enjoy his company and I think that he thinks that too but he does not want to give me illusions now.
The thing that makes me confused is that we recently made so many plans like going on holiday alone (wich never happened),camping and go around on his motorbike ecc ecc...I mean if he was thinking of break up , why would he made so many plans ?
I'm so confused because I know that I'm really important to him...I just don't know what happened.
Hi Kevin and Community,
Past couple days she's been using the words "best friends" a lot with me. I know we have great communication right now, but I really don't want to fall in the friend zone. She has also asked what I am doing today/night and when I asked why, she just said "just nosey" and then said "I was gonna try and get chart" (work related).
Any thoughts? Where she might be at?
DF,
You know the answer. You shouldn't fall into the friend-zone! I think her attempt on canceling the dinner and inviting you for launch was to get you in friend-zone. For now be friends, take it slow, invite her to places where you would end up being intimate. If she resisted don't show any sign of anger or frustrations! I'm pretty sure that it will work.
Thanks Dara.
But how do I know I am there? I know she is going through rough times right now and I want to be there for her, but again I don't want to be the emotional security for her. Should I fall back, see if she misses me more, maybe Low Contact?
DF,
Friend-zone is unstable. Don't let her stabilize it.
I believe you got it correct. I saw this in one of Kevin's comments and I already believed in it that if she already has some issues in her life make some distance with her. If you force to help her to solve her issue, she'll run away. Try to approach her when she has no problems in her life. On her way in solving her issues, there will be some ups. Those are her happy days, try to catch her on those days. She will more likely to get intimate on those days. Yet, don't show it. Let it be her idea.
That's again Dara.
The one thing is. I'm not forcing to solve any of her problems. She comes to me and I just listen. I give my opinion and support to her. My feelings are that if I blow off the difficult times in her life, then it will be rude and hurtful towards her.
DF
I think you are in good state now! If she comes to you, then you have nothing to worry! That's a great sign! She needs someone like you. Be a good friend towards her, she will reward you later! ;)
Its been nearly 4 months since we split. We get on really well. I still have contact with my ex only because we have a son together. He comes around every fortnight. I don't tell him I miss him or anything personal. I've not text him for about a week. And he text me telling me he was sorry for how things have happened. And he is not for me and he put a sad face. I really do love him to bits. I have changed my ways. I've been doing things that id never thought I'd do. Iam happy and getting on with my life. I wish I could have my ex back cause deep down he made me the happiest girl alive. What I would like to know is do I just carry on with my life with my family and forgot about my ex for good. Or try something new to get him back. Last time we split it was me doing all the chasing. And to be honest I am stuck in what is best to do.
Hi kelly,
What's best for you is all up to you. The decision is yours to make whether you want him back or not. Give yourself some time to think about it, you two have a child together and ask yourself if you still like him or not. If you still have feelings for him and want things to workout with him, you'll have to talk to him about this. If he doesn't have feelings for you, there's nothing you can do but the move on. By improving yourself and being happy, you have a greater chance of attracting him back.
Thanks Edward I appreciate your advice :-). I will also say at 23.47 pm.7/07/14.my ex text me and said he is trying his hardest not to text me so I can get over us. And he said there is no more me and you again ever. He loves our son dearly and he got a tattoo on his arm which he hates them. He does no I love him. He's said he's got feelings for me but is trying to block them out. So I think iam going to give up on my ex and move on with my life and my family. Thanks again for the advice xx
Hi, a.z., daniel, dara, and everyone else
so should I delete my ex from facebook to prevent me from freaking out everytime the girl and him are on facebook, and wondering if theyre talking or should I leave him on facebook?
Hi k.w.,
I think you should try and ignore them. Try to focus on yourself, you are more important. I wouldn't spend so much time on FB anyways, there are other things to do that will make you happier.
I agree. I just worry, that she might be better than I am. Idk. And its been three weeks sense we broke up.
if it really freaks you out,remove him.but if you can try and handle it,you actually can use facebook in your advantage.try to show that you are having a good time.upload your profile picture like once in a week.this gives your profile a fresh look.upload funny things,avoid any sad status updates.post on your mutual friends wall.show that you are cool and happy.he should see that you are having a good time without him,this makes him miss you more.
but its just in case you can handle being friends with him on fb.you are more important than him and only you can make yourself happy.
don't care about which of you looks better,just try to make simple good changes in yourself.avoid any negative thoughts for a little while and concentrate on yourself.
also sign up to kevin's emali series.you won't regret it.
good luck
I definitely am going to keep him on facebook and just stay calm and collected so that way I can show him that I am having a good time without him.
cool,i remember the first month of my NC,i never checked his profile,i didn't even check my home page for a full month.i couldn't even handle seeing a picture of him.just open your profile and do those things.i'm sure you are gonna be fine.
I think the first month is always the hardest, I'm gunna assume it gets easier as the time goes on.
k.w.,
I'm not professional in Facebook accessories, but I think that there is a section called hide where you can hide his posts and update. You won't see them anymore! I think, you should make a research on it! If hide means that you can't see his post but he can see your posts, that's the best thing for a while!
Hi All and Kevin,
Festival David here...just a quick update on my scenario so far.
So Since the 6th when my ex had a go at me coz she saw me with a female, I spoke to her a few times on the Monday and Tuesday but she was really quite cold and distant and the conversation ended and she didnt speak to me since then...So I never text her either.
During this time I was posting the same advice to others as what I was doing/believing myself which is "If she loves me, she will come back" :)....anyways so Been doing sorta fine without talking to her..speaking to females friends..hanging around doing things etc getting on with life.
Then...
It was Tuesday yesterday, so 1 week of NC exactly and this is the text I got at 23:50pm
HER: "It feels weird not talking...weird situation x"
I didnt reply on the night as I was asleep!
So today (wed) I replied
Me: "Yeah, we can/are still talking though" and then a little inside joke
Her: "Hardly...lol .(insert small talk here) Can I just ask...your not seeing any of my mates are you?"
The 'Hardly' was referring to when I said we still talk though if you didnt notice :)
The answer to that was obviously no and we sent another few texts/emails ...I did invite her to come to sauna tonight but she said she was busy but would want to go next week sometime...I said that was fine
So far the last contact was me replying to her email with a question and general chat etc and she hasnt reply yet (over 6+ hours)
Im not anxious waiting around for a reply or anything as like I said, im just going with the flow of "If she loves me she will come to me"
Plus I go to Portugal in less than 8 hours!! :D
She doesnt know yet,
Theres a few things Im not sure on yet and im just going to have to see what happens
1) whether she contacts me whilst im in portugal, not sure whether to reply or wait until i get back, reason why im not sure is if i dont contact her for a week and she doesnt know im in portugal whether she thinks im ignoring her
2) Not sure how she will react to me been in portugal whether i tell her whilst im there or when I come back ha
Just going to go with the flow and see if/what she contacts me with whilst im in portugal.
What do you all think?
What do you make of her sending me the text message after 1 week of NC? I didnt IMPOSE the NC...I was the last 1 to send an email etc and she didnt make any effort to contact me at all, which is total opposite of what she did before the festival if you all remember.
Shes hasnt gave any signals or mention of getting back together...infact the opposite! she just says "Its one of those things" etc
What do you all think of my approach..do you think I should start initiating a bit more when i get back?
I will buy her a little pressie but not tell her straight away
Thanks a lot guys and gals, we shall see what happens, I need to go pack!
Festival David
x
Hi David,
She initiated you because she misses you. After your trip to Portugal, you'll have lots to share with her, but I would share details with her in a face to face contact. It would be a good time to contact her after your trip, remember to enjoy and have fun at your trip! (:
hey David,
as Edward said,she misses you and you have a pretty good chance.she is asking if you are seeing her mates or not,cuz she hopes you would say you are not seeing anyone at all.you are doing great btw. and i guess you should contact her when you are in portugal,like once and tell her something exciting or funny about there and ask how she is doing.and if she initiates contact, you should answer her text after a few minutes or hours... . if my ex goes somewhere,and i feel like he is ignoring me,that absolutely pushes me further away.
when you come back,continue the way you have been acting and ask her out after a few days.
have a really nice time in portugal and be safe xxx
Thanks Edward and A.z
Just woke up and finished my packing, god its so crammed in there..I hope I can pack it again when im coming back haha, I might have to leave some stuff!
See you all soon! x
hahaha see u soon xoxo
Hey Festival David,
It's great to hear that she misses you, things seem to be going good for you :) Hope you have a blast in Portugal, lucky you :) and since you didn't tell her already and you only had 8 hours to go you might wanna tell her when you get back hahahaha... it's so cute that you came on this site just hours before your trip, Bon voyage and stay safe
Me 38y Her l(30y) My father passed away, and we started dating about 3 weeks after, after being friends for 4 years prior, flirty friends.
We dated for 6 months, until she called it off, saying that she couldn't see pass being friends (The story I got from her friends was I was pushing the pace to fast (Needy!!), which I was for sure).
We had a pretty big trip planned to commence in 2 months from the break up date. so we decided to do it, We did the trip, 5 weeks overseas, it went quite well. We got back and I told her that I was in love with her. She said she was not in the same place, and that she hopes we could be friends and would be very sad if we couldn’t and that she would always care about me regardless, something like that.
Heartbroken I agreed to friends after about a week of thinking, but after another week or so of basically no contact I had come to realize that we have never been friends prior, and we’ve always been two people going on dates with mutual attraction, I cannot see myself being just friends with her, at least not now. I started the no contact, to get over her so I could hit a reset with us. But she is texting me, “Hiya :) How are you doing?” type texts, under the assumption we are pals.., But I have not replied.
What do I do? Do I have to tell her that I have rethought my position on the friends thing? Or just go no contact without saying anything? Or do I reply in short to her texts? I DO NOT want to be a backup plan. or the guy she talks to about other relationships. I also do not want to talk about our relationship stuff anymore, it’s such a drag. I have never been the needy type, but I know I was here, how do I recover from this, she was into me for a long time prior to dating, and obviously her attraction to me now is LOW.
Kazy,
It's not Kevin! But all I know form Kevin's previous comments is that you should apply no contact for at least a month. If she contacts you, tell her that you need time and space to evaluate every thing.
Hey Kevin,
Okay so I saw my ex on the weekend, everything went great, no issues except that I wish we could have seen each other longer. Early Last week, my ex had said he wanted to time to think about us and whether or not a would want to try again (he brought this up, not me). I said would give him some time. Then on the weekend, his friend told me that my ex does want to date me again. However, this is the friend that has lied to me in the past so I will not get my hopes up off of his word. Unless my ex says it, I won't believe it. Anyways, how long should I give my ex to think it over ? It's been a week and a half so far and last night he said he still isn't sure because of the distance. However I'm not gonna wait for an answer forever. When should I bring it up ? And when I do, if he says he still isn't sure then what do I say ?
Hey Jaici,
Since he brought up the situation, I don't think you have to bring it up again. You don't want him to feel pressured about giving you his answer. Keep doing your thing and he will initiate contacts with you. When you do hangout with him, have fun and keep it light.
My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago we dated for 2 years and had previously had a break up were we did our own things for about 2 months then got back together. We didn't really work anything out just said sorry I love you and I miss you then hugged it out. Anyways He broke up with me recently saying we grew apart he loves me but never wants to be with me again. All I can wonder is what I did wrong? He says he wants something else. We were very close and ourselves around each other and happy. He blocked me on Facebook as well. I have started no contact just wondering if I would have a chance to pursue him again. He's also dating someone but I'm not sure how serious it is.
hey,
don't over analyze his words and behavior.don't act needy and don't look for any answer for the questions you have in mind.his answer has nothing to do with your thoughts and there is nothing logical in it.concentrate on your life and continue NC for 2 months.don't worry if he is dating someone.its probably a rebound.as kevin suggested, read relation rewind by ryan rivers.its a step by step guide to rewind your relationship and it explains which stage you are at,what exactly you should do to get out of that stage and how to rewind your relationship back to bliss.
Hi, Me and my fiancée split up two weeks ago. I think she is trying to move onto what was one of my friends. Is this the fallback stage for her or could it actually lead onto a succesful relationship? She says she still cares for me and loves but that she is not in love with. Also lately a friend of mine died and she said she would accompany me to the funeral, shall I let her?
Hi. After all the nc and making changes I got in contact with my ex. We met twice etc.
Anyways I kind of left him to it for a few days and then I had an email. I never replied as it was a picture and a few letters. Anyway I replied two days later and he said it was sent when his phone was on his pocket. So it managed to send an email, attach a photo and send it to me whilst on his pocket.??
My ex continues to choose his new partner and I when I don't reply he wants a few days and sends something. So what is this?? Is he missing me? Want me back? Or because I don't chase so much he feels lonely. ?
I don't get so worried now. But it's slightly odd behaviour to say it's sent by mistake.
I have tried to get through to him and he says he loves me etc... but I'm clueless. help needed.. hope it gets printed
Thanks
Hey Brett,
I'm glad that you are not much affected by it. In fact, there was a similar post months ago. Kevin said that he want to see if you have really moved on or are you still available. That make sense since he is still with his new partner!
It does make sense.
Because he said he didn't want me to have anyone else as he'd be jealous
. I'd rather him but I can't wait. Help dara and thanks for replying
Plus when I text this morning. He replied within half hour saying he didn't know about an email, then the next reply was it was sent by mistake.
Can I have some help please to either get some feelings out this person and rebuild or either move on.
As it drives me crazy sometimes!!!!!
He admits he loves me, never wants to talk abiyt his cheating or current cheating, however you wish to discribe it. Last time he changed the subject. I know it's due to embarrassed and stuff.
But I guess of you wanna be with someone then say it.
We sent numerous you tubes and stuff about love and feelings, yet nothing comes of it.
I clueless help!
person and rebuild or either move on.
As it drives me crazy sometimes!!!!!
He admits he loves me, never wants to talk abiyt his cheating or current cheating, however you wish to discribe it. Last time he changed the subject. I know it's due to embarrassed and stuff.
But I guess of you wanna be with someone then say it.
We sent numerous you tubes and stuff about love and feelings, yet nothing comes of it.
I clueless help!
I know its really hard! I so sorry for the situation you are in! It truly sucks when you see the person you love is with someone else. My experience says that some distance, some time, hard work and willing to move on will result in something desirable.
Brett, from my understanding, if a person cheat in a relationship, he/she will likely to cheat again. Its truly hard but ideally those partners should be avoided.
Unfortunately, relationship is not like friendship where the nicer you act, more you are wanted. If you send him any youtube stuff lately, stop it. He should realize that you will probably move on and feel the threat of losing you.
About the texts, no text or emails are shot in pockets. I believe he is also confused but you should not suffer for others confusion. I don't know if this advise is good or bad but the next time he send you a message don't reply it. If you ask about it to you tell him, "I thought your text was simply an accident". If this happens, you will provoke some anger in him. That's better than indifference. Next, ask him for some space. Do NC until he and his partner breakup!
However, its up to you to see if you can live with someone who plays games. Update us Brett!
To be honest... he did say he would take be back but is scared I'd take revenge and dump him straight after.
I haven't sent any youtubes, or goodnight messages or anything. For days and days now, so u r right I guess he scared I moved on
. I sorted a new phones and Sim card for total nc, which I may do.
Let's see about the games? They r games, u r right. It's keeping me on the outside so I'm there as a spare but then why say u still love me and would take me back??
End of the day he hasn't changed his mind yet so I guess that tells me something thing already
Well, Brett it seems like you are in the right track and you can understand the situation you are in! That's great!
If you haven't, I recommend you to read every sub-article that Kevin has around, including Frequently Aksed Questions. Each one of them has a point.
About sentences like, "I Love you", unfortunately this phrase weighs different to different people. To some, this is like, "I Love you (and only you no matter if there are thousands lined up for me)" while to some other, it conveys, "I Love you (also)". So can't really rely on these expressions when they are not accompanied with not actions. However, I am not you and you know your ex better than anyone else. You probably know what does he mean when he says something.
Thanks. I shall read the sub sections later and let u know.
I keep updated. It's good to ignore him i think. As ut was only 3 days and he decided to send a 'fake ' email. So it's proven that he misses and worries about me moving on.
We shall see. I'm not stressing now.. Cause it makes me ill. I done enough changes for the better, so I keep you informed.
Thanks
Hey. Soz I keep forgetting to write things. My reply was no need to say sorry for sending it mistake, have a nice evening. That was enough I thought
No problems Brett. I will be glad to hear from you! Have a good evening!
Hi dara, thanks for your comments and help.
Well I shocked as I received a second message last night. About my ex, he was feeling ill and stuff and said goodnight. I didn't reply as u said it best not too.
I won't for a few days. I keep u posted. Seems his email and me contacting him made him think again, maybe??? Thoughts?
Rosalyn,
If you agree that missing someone or loving someone won't vanish over night then you not replying him is the best. If he really loves you, he will still love you till the end of NC. If he is serious enough, he should be done with his new partner.
I believe he wants to hold your attention (and care) by saying that he is ill/sick. Yet, he should commit and respect your care by being loyal to you. It's too early to reply him. Follow the plan in Kevin's article. It will increase the chances. Good luck!
TYPO!!! Sorry Brett, the last comment is to you not Rosalyn! Sorry!!
Yes thanks dara for your advice and help. I leave the birthday message. Thanks
Yes I totally agree on everything u say. He should be done with his ex. Anyways I may take a break from everything and look after me.
I shall see
I forgot to say I never replied to the email and its his birthday Sunday, do I wish happy birthday or leave it?
I've not heard anything since his message as I didn't reply.
I not sure what to do.
Brett,
Don't send him any message regarding his birthday. If you are too obsessed about that, send a short message after a week or two.
Best of luck!
Hi Kevin,
I need something specific here I guess.
She clearly shows signs that she likes me, she said you will always be the one for me. I asked her what I will be. She said that's all I had to say. I sent a smile and a heart and she sent it back.
She would send me signs that she wants me to chase her!
I will not be able to meet her before a month or so.
She is like I said what I had to.
Should I make a move over phone or will it be a hurry ?
I don't know if I should act cool or be romantic at times. She gets cold and hot at times.
If I get cold to her she would get 10x cold and act like she isn't bothered and at times she would send me signs.
She said that she had a confession to make and then said I will be the one and then said that's all I had to say and then started acting cold. Is it because I am not making a move ?
Hi Anon,
I think it's okay for you to have a phone chat with her. You should act on how you feel like, and if you don't feel so well then don't talk to her. I don't think you should act cold on her, you should be the nice guy because people like nice people (: Keep being happy and she'll stop being so cold to you.
Hi Edward,
I do text her, but she replies with just one words.
Also most of the time she is busy talking to a guy friend of mine and dosen't seem to have time for me.
Hey Anon,
If she is replying with one words then it just means that she is not interested at the moment. If you had any sort of serious relationship with her, she can't forget you. She will start to miss you if you apply NC and hopefully she will contact you. When she does, that's when she is warming up. You can apply limited contact and see how she is doing once in a while. Do something fun so you will be happy, if you can feel it, everyone around you can too!
Thanks man. Today I messaged her on WhatsApp and she replied hmm and changed status to stuck in the friend zone.
She is talking to a friend of mine, not so close friends, but she talks to him late at night, both of them are online at the same time.
She has already told me she likes me should I say that too I don't know if that was for me.
Anon,
I think you can show her your feelings. In fact, I encourage you to, but don't seem too needy. It's good to display your feelings for her because that's just how you feel. But in my experience, it's better when you can meet her face to face.
Hey Kevin, do you mind responding to the post by "Mike" from July 10th?
Thanks so much for your time
Hey guys,
I've left a few comments before but maybe they were too long?
My girlfriend is 17 and I'm 21. We've been together for a little over 10 months. She's about to enter college and asked if I would be willing to try an open relationship. I said no and broke up with her because I know I could not handle doing that and I believe that those things don't work. I believe I did the right thing but I still very much love her and want her back eventually.
I do kind of want her to see that there's really nothing to see out there. She texted me a few hours after I broke up with her and then the next day as well. I wish I would've stopped the conversation before I gave into my feelings and told her just how much I love her. I told her I love her with all my heart and she replied with I love you more than anything.
That was 6 days ago.
I guess that's when we indirectly started the NC period because we have not talked since. My questions are:
I know I should contact her for at least a month but we have a month left of summer before we both go to school. Should I try to contact her right before we both go back? Or should I wait longer to contact her as she will probably be too distracted by her new college life? Also, what should I do if she tries to contact me before then? What if she just says "hi" or "I miss you"?
I have a feeling that I know this isn't over because she told me she could see us being together forever and that she loves me so much and just wants to try doing her own thing for a semester or so. I'm not putting a time limit on it but I do very much want her back.
Hey M,
She is a young girl who wants to explore her options and enjoy her college life. I doubt there is anything you can do that will make her change her mind. You can't make her see that there's nothing out there. She can only realize it herself, if you both are really that great with each other.
You can try contacting her before you both go back, but I doubt it'll change anything. I'd recommend you let her go and try to move on with your life. If it's meant to be, it'll happen sometime in the future.
Dear Kevin,
My ex seems interested to be with me but his sickness is not allowing him to be in a relationship, or work or do anything but visit doctors and sleep lots. He even missed his own exhibition opening tonight which he never does cos it's not right to invite ppl and not attend. But when I spoke with him on the phone he sounded sick then said he couldn't talk anymore he's in much pain and needs to go. Also, he's trying to apply to study and it wasn't working out for him so I found alternate choices for him which I know he'd appreciate. I told him that the poem was published today the one he inspired and was happy which is why he probably rang to congratulate me despite his state. But he's missing out on a job interview interstate so this pain is really hindering his future somehow and no one is sure how long his situation will last. I need some real advice here. I am supportive as much as I can be but I don't want to end up with a big disappointment in the end. We are talking, he uses endearing names with me, he's loving and always asking me for support and supports me etc... But what's the point? Then what? I can't say I don't want to talk to you anymore cos I don't see a point in 'us' since you're sick indefinitely (you see how mean this sounds?). I'm trying to just live my life and plans but I need him to meet me half way too... how do I ask if he's always in pain, some weeks worse than others? At our age, we don't meet each other's financial expectations (and he always said how much he loves that I'm not materialistic) but let's be realistic, can a relationship survive on love alone? What can we do to make it work? what can I do? Ps: I'm not sure he's able to come see me as soon as in few weeks time :(
Rihanna,
I am so sorry about your situation. It's good that you are starting to be more realistic. The romantic in you probably wants to believe that you should support him and in the end everything will work out. But the realistic part is saying something else. To be honest, I am not sure what I should tell you to do. If I were you, perhaps I will support him for a while. Maybe give myself a time limit. Like 3 months (or whatever you think is appropriate). And if things are still hopeless by that time. Then I'll move on from him.
Thank you for your support Kevin. He rang me yesterday and was very optimistic, he said he rang few unis and is willing to continue with studying, he saw a career advisor so he's been willing to make plans for the future. He also said 'I'm not ready for a relationship cos right now my first priority is my future. But we'll see we 'migh't end up together in the end', I actually liked that he said that cos I'm the same at the moment I want to concentrate on my future too... We have each other to support each other now as friends and that's ok. But my fear is that he'll say and plan but take no action in his plans. He's coming to see me in few weeks time so I'll have a proper chat with him. He also said that he doesn't want to involve his friends and family if we get together and I would like to know what he means by that? To be honest, my family would be upset if I chose to be with him because of his financial situation and also his religious views, sadly money and politics is also putting stress on our relationship. I don't know if I trust a long lasting relationship with him, though he's a wonderful person and very generous soul, my mind is playing tricks on me. He's coming to visit me, he keeps in touch and calls me (as a friend). I feel lost. Thank god for you and for this site, I've gained knowledge and good friends here
Hi Kevin,
I hope this will finally be posted. This is a more updated story than the previous ones I submitted which weren’t posted.
My ex-boyfriend (he’s 20 and I’m 23) and I have been together for eight months. However, three months ago he decided to move away because he wanted to work hard for our future. I did everything I can to maintain communication. I called him every night, sent him money to get him started.
Things then started to go downhill when we exchanged Facebook accounts one night. He discovered that I have been keeping in touch with guy friends and been talking about stuff that was too inappropriate (I realized too late). He's been digging my every message thread to every friend since then. I haven't shared everything about me to him, when he was being completely honest with me.
Is it really possible to win him back when I'm the one at fault? I really don't want to lose him. I pleaded, begged for him to stay but he told me that I could never gain his trust (and the love) back. It really broke my heart. I still want him but he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. He unfriended me on Facebook. It's even harder for me because he's so far away and we have only discussed this over the phone.
He broke up with me yesterday but he’s still been calling me and we always end up arguing about the same mistake that I did. He says that he doesn’t want to be with someone he can’t trust. I’ve been doing everything I can but he only told me that he doesn’t believe every word I say. I’ll be in the city where he’s currently in next week and he wants to return everything I gave him. I decided to try NC. I’m not picking up his calls now, but I’m afraid it will only make him mad because suddenly I’m not talking to him. What do I do?
Scarlet,
To my understanding he still have chances but it will take time and effort from your side to regain the trust in your relationship.
You need to do NC and follow the plan. If he call you again, tell him (politely) that you both need time and space to heal from what happened lately. It will help you both to chill down a bit.
Good luck.
Hi,
I have a question. But before that I would like to tell you why we broke up. I'm 22 years old and my girlfriend is 21 years old. we were in relationship for 1 year and we broke up like 3 weeks back.We broke up because she is scared that things won't work out in the future. I explained her in every possible way but she refused.she still loves me so much but don't want to put any hopes. I ignored her for 2 days like NC period. She kept on calling for 30-50 times a day and started saying that i miss talking to you.Why are you not contacting? So please help me out with a solution. I want to get her back.Thank you.
hey sandy,
if she keeps texting and calling you,tell her you need some space. you said she loves you so much,and i believe she does.i'm going to tell you something but i don't want to distract you.this is a summary from what i personally did to my ex.i loved my ex so much we were in a relationship for more than a year and i have never loved someone that much.everything was perfect and he was like the best guy ever.its crazy but i brought up the breakup talks like 100 times saying i was scared that things won't work in the future.no matter how hard he tried to explain everything and promised me and begged me not to do that to him,i kept what i was doing.i continued that as a random plan in my relationship and then one day i broke up with him and he never came back until now.when i felt like i was losing him,it was like a bang inside of my head and i never wanted to fix what i have ruined that much. tell her you need some space and continue NC.you do have a great chance.
Good luck
Hi Kevin,
I tried posting my situation several times. Hoping that this would be posted because I desperately need your advice.
I'm hoping that you could help me. My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. Although things were great between us (we both fell in love with each other hard and fast), my Mom was strongly against the relationship. We endured all the pain because I knew that he is The One and he was also sure about me.
However, two months ago he decided to move away because he wanted to work hard for our future. We couldn't do much here while my Mom is closely monitoring my every action. After he moved away, I did everything I can to maintain communication. I called him every night, sent him money to get him started. But it wasn't easy. I constantly missed his presence.
Things then started to go downhill when we exchanged Facebook accounts one night. He discovered that I have been keeping in touch with guy friends and been talking about stuff that was too inappropriate (I realized too late). He's been digging my every message thread to every friend since then. I haven't shared everything about me to him, when he was being completely honest with me. :( I even tried to make my mistakes appear as if they were nothing, which made him all the more angry.
Is it really possible to win him back when I'm the one at fault? I really don't want to lose him. He's the only guy I've ever loved truly. I don't think I could still find anyone like him. I pleaded, begged for him to stay but he told me that I could never gain his trust (and the love) back. :( It really broke my heart. I still want him but he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm a crying mess right now. I want to make it up to him, but he hates me now. It's even harder for me because he's so far away and we have only discussed this over the phone. :(
Please help me? I'll be in the city where he currently lives next week, and he told me he'll be returning everything that I gave him. But I don't want to. What do I do?
Yesterday she told me that I will always be the one for her. I think I have also let her know that I still have feelings for her. I am in another city right now so I'll not be able to meet her now.
She also behaves very cold most of the times. She told me she liked my pics and sent me hearts and o told her the same.
She posts things giving me hints of talking to her and when I do she goes cold.
I sent her a picture of a gift I had bought for her and since then she behaves weird.
Does anyone here understand the difference between rebound relationships and Grass is Greener syndrome? Is there a difference?
Hey Rosalyn,
Thank you for introducing Grass is Greener Syndrome to us. I just read something about it here:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/03/16/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome/
Looks like a good phrase! LOL
Dara,
Thanks so much for sharing this link with me. It helped a lot! I am just confused and trying to figure out if my ex is in a rebound or "GIGS" type of situation seeing how I found out that he had been getting to know someone from work a little better in the weeks preceding our breakup. Wonder what Kevin has to say about the difference between these two and if it makes any difference in terms of getting them back? Insights from anyone else on here are always welcome, Thanks!
Rosalyn,
I think that the difference is like flu and AIDS. Someone suffering from AIDS is more succeptible to flu while AIDS has no cure (not really update lately). RR=flu & AIDS=GIGS.
I think you cannot make sure which one has ruined your relationship exactly but there were symptoms associated with GIGS. Do you have any idea about previous relationship of your ex? Did he have real long-term relationship? How long was your own relationship? If the answer to all those questions is yes, he probably a GIGS guy. What did he expect from you in sex? Did he expect you to be a porn star? Did he have "rolling eyes"? Did he talk about how hot other girls are? Could he see his own flaws? Did he ever associate his own flaws to you? For example: he is fat but nag about you on some extra pounds? Was he a fault finder?
Rosalyn, I just found the definition of this phrase but I think the above questions will help you to have a rough estimation. Probably Kevin has more solid gauge.
BTW: if he end up with his present partner and start a new relationship with someone else, he is more like to suffer from GIGS but if he come back to you, its RR. If non, its non! LOL
This phrase got me interested. I will be glad to see what Insight do others have.
Dara,
Thanks for explaining I get it a little better now. Yes, my ex was married for about 8 years. Divorced almost 2 years before we reconnected (we knew each other from high school) Our own relationship lasted a little over 4 years. And that's just it, we never argued, our sex life was good. He never complained about my appearance and never talked about other girls in my presence. He's the kind of guy who would open doors for me and up until the last minute was telling me he loved me and making plans for the future. Caught me completely off guard and I'm trying to make sense of it all. Just wanting to get some input from Kevin. I haven't heard from him in a while.
Hey Rosalyn,
your situation sounds familiar especially with your ex's personality. And I think Dara's answer (as always) is spot on. I like how informative it was to define the difference between rebound and GiGS and all the questions that he asked got me thinking about my situation also. I hope for your sake he's just going through a phase and will find his way back home to you. I also am interested to see what Kevin will say.
Rosalyn,
With all info you provided us, he is less likely to be GIGS associated. Probably his new relationship is RR. In any case, I know it terribly tough to see your ex with someone else. I hope you passes these days safe and happy.
Rihanna,
Thank you so much for your compliment! I feel great to see good friends like you here! It truly makes me feel that I am not alone! Yet, about 80 days of NC has made me confident and less worried about my own breakup. This period has made me accept the fact that maybe I will never reconcile and I am okay with that.
Best wishes for you ladies!
I hope Kevin will have some words to add here!
Dear Kevin,
I have tried no contact and after two weeks he was calling and texting me and I ignored him for another week until we went out to the movies. We has gotten into many arguements about my tweets and how they were a smack in the face even though he is talking to someone else in another state. I have purchased relationship rewind and actually created a great false friendship and he has been calling, texting, and seeing me almost everyday when I tell him I have time. He even was telling me about how the new girl he talks to doesn't like him having female friends and how he doesn't like how she complains about that. He would also tell me other things he didn't like and I actually would give him advice about it. (Not sure that was the best idea). But he questions me about who I'm talking to, tried going thru my phone to look at my calls, texts and pictures. Last Friday I asked why he had to go outside to talk on the phone when any other time he is on the phone even when he is talking to the new girl he is talking to. Without thinking I told him to get his stuff and leave not because I was jealous but because I felt like he didn't want to be there. He texted me the next day and said I need space away from him because his simple phone call bothered me even though he was going thru my phone and asking me who I am dating. I told him that i understand he needs space away from me and I will definitely keep my distance. I feel as though I have messed up big time and no longer have a chance.
Any advice. Do you think I still have a chance or should I move on?
P.s. I am open to anyone else who would like to respond also.
hey,
i suggest you to go on NC for a month,and continue until he contacts you.you still have a chance.don't show him any signs that you want him back.avoid any negative talks and memories.
Hi Kevin,
I feel like I've followed the plan well and my guy did try to contact me during the 30 days which I ignored, and he responded well to the email letter (blamed the problems coming from his side- depression), and he seems to respond okay to my texts (I've sent him 3 all approx 5 days apart). How long should this texting go on? How many days bt messages? Should i try to get In a real conversation or just flirty, happy texts? I know I'll be seeing him for a wedding at the end of August. Should I just see him then or try to meet up before? we are long distance.
Thanks for helping me regain sanity :-)
Hello everyone! On Tuesday I texted my ex that I needed to talk to him. I was ready to tell him that it was probably best to cut all ties. He responded by saying that he'll let me know. On saturday I heard from him. He was playing games over text; I could totally tell. We finally agreed to meet. I asked him to pick me up so that we can have dinner. He said he was cleaning his apt so it was best if i went to his apt so that i can give him more time at home. I found that weird. In his apt complex he has valet services till 12. I met him at 945, what does that tell you? That my car was going to be stuck there till next day. I thought that by then we should be back... no no noooo.... I end up sleeping over. We never talked about what I planned to say. I figured why would I if I was having a good time. I know guys, but part of me wanted to so that I can see his apt and I could be sleep by his side. Long story short, he still had our picture in his apt. My stuff were intact. My daughters things were scattered in his apt still :( we ended up sleeping together. He seemed like he didnt want to let go of me. In the morning we were passionate again. We agreed that on Monday I would pick him up from the airport and he will help me buy my car. Few hours past that day, and he textes me info about a car he liked. Today I decided to text to let him know about applying for a car loan. He textes back but that was it. I wish there was more... like a real talk about us. In the date he had this poker face like I dont want to be here and would occasionally laugh then he'll have the poker face again. In bed he just gave in! What do I do???? I dont like texting for silly things.... in the meantime, I planned a date with a marine to distract me... I miss my ex and love my ex.
Hi confused,
Festival david here
I dont know your full story so not sure what progress youve made....
but I think you fell into his trap, Like Kevin posted to someone previously but I cant remember off the top of my head now!...but basically kissing and cuddling is ok but dont go all the way without a commitment.
As a guy...I hate to admit this but ive done it with my previous Ex. I didnt love her like I love my most recent ex, but I wanted that "company" etc and I used to "plan" certain situations to my advantage. You know your ex better than me but the impression that Im getting when reading what you wrote is that, you seemed to know that he "planned" the time you were coming over etc.. he did exactly what ive done to my ex (not saying he dont love you). but hes planned it to his advantage.
Hes got something out of it without committing to the relationship etc
You are absolutely right. I thought about it again and I should've had more control of the situation. We spoke again last night and he never mentioned what went on that night, neither did I. I will definitely be a bit smarter about it next time. Thank you!!
Hey confused, don't worry about that night what's done is done now but like you said you need to control yourself bit more next time. Perhaps you can plan something to say in your mind or something like that should another "situation" like that arise next time, you need to "show" him that you have high morals and you're not his doormat, you should command his respect for you on that front. For example (I'm not suggesting this for you it might be the wrong thing), I spoke with my ex earlier today when he rang and he said "How will we even meet together alone, it's impossible not ending up in bed together" and some sex remarks when I cut him and said very calmly "I can't imagine anything happening, I've taken time off (that's NC) and now we're JUST FRIENDS. If it helps think of me as your sister" ... Yes he did say 'YUK!" which means he's still interested in me sexually and that was a plus for me and moreso, I've 'shown' him that I will not sleep with a friend, only commitment will get him what he wants and that's IF I accept it afterall. Men will plan ahead and will do all sort of things to make it appear like "oops we did it again!" don't fall for that trap. You are a strong, confident and smart woman, you are better than that. I hope when I see him I won't fall for his traps either! So chin up and be the unattainable... let him do the chase! Good luck :)
Dear Festival David,
I'm sorry to intrude on your post confused but something David said got me interested enough to ask. What did you mean by "I used to 'plan' situations for my advantage"... that sounds a bit like my ex so could you pretty pleeeeeeeeeease give a few examples of what you did to gain that advantage? thanks heaps, I hope you get back from your trip and answer before my ex visits me hahaha...
Rihanna,
I believe you want to convey that you can't get any girl to bed unless she wants it right? I totally agree with you! Most guys believe that they trick girls to sleep with them but its usually girls who trick guys to invite them!
I believe Confused already knew that she would end up sleeping with her ex and wanted to use it to rekindle the great relationship they had! I believe she did not do really wrong! Sometimes it rekindles! Simply don't be friends with benefits! I believe one sex does not make a friendship friends-with-benefits!
I even see those toys on the floor as a good sign! He did not clean his house for another woman! Plus, they remind him of her!
That's right Dara and I agree with you. I think confused shouldn't be too worried about what's happened because it happened with her consent, so she was in control of the situation too. I reckon once she has the 'chat' with him about what's happened and that it will not happen again without commitment she'll get back on the right track again. Good luck confused!
Dear Kevin,
I'm reading Nonviolent communication and its amazing,i really feel the change.now i can really feel that how i have been acting the wrong way and how much i have hurt people and my ex using the words the wrong place.i never knew how easily i could express my feelings and requests.i have always judged my ex only because maybe he wasn't acting in a harmony with my values and i only made everything worse and worse.
i really don't know how i can ever thank you.you are an amazing person.thank you for helping in any situation.xxx
Where can I get it ?
you can buy it online
Hi A.z
Festival David here
Its great to read and hear how much your improving and finding out about yourself :).
I am still here and check everyday...been reading alot of the comments, reading rather than posting as I see others have already replied and the advice has been great.
Although i haven't seen an update from yourself unless ive missed it?
How are things going with your situation?
It sounds good if the post above is anything to go by!
All the best to everyone else keep it up :) x
hey David,thanks for the post,
well,the last time he texted me was 4 days ago.he said you should promise me something... , that someday we will draw a picture of a city together.(we used to do things like that alot ).he is in a another city for work and he will be back next week.i'm not focusing on what's on his mind anymore.or why he is not doing what i expect.i'm living my life and i'm really happy.and the book is helping me alot.
i'm going out with a new guy these days and he is cool.i don't think if i start a relationship with him,but he makes me happy.he also knows about my ex and my situation and said that he understands me and wants to help me.
what about you david,any updates?
Hey A.z
Thats really good to hear! about you not thinking about whats on his mind etc..no one will really ever know whats on the other persons mind except that person themself ha
Good news about the new guy too! Hope it carries on going smooth for you and it sounds like your really making progress.
Im just about to post a quick update now tbh...nothing spectacular has happened with me so far x
Yeah, reading it the first time is really an eye opener, isn't it? I am glad you are enjoying it. :)
definitely:D ,thank you again
Hello,you can see my story if you scroll down.I was thinking to call my ex and ask him if he would like to grab some coffee with me and tell our news( after i return from my holidays). Would it be okay or seem desparate?
RD,
If you feel desperate, it will be desperate. After your holidays, if you feel happy and confident, then go ahead and contact him. I think you should stop worrying about him and enjoy your holidays!
Hey Kevin, reading your article really helped me going from being misrable to being a man with a plan. (Excuse my english, it's not my main language) When I read all the deadly mistakes, I could recognise my self doing all of them, some of them more than others.
Me and my ex decided not to be together anymore about 3 months ago. We were not mad or had a fight, I visited her for a week and that week nothing went wrong. But at the end of the week we agreed that it will be for the best that we broke up. She was living in another country for 6-7 months and we tryed to have a longdistance relationship, it didn't work out so good. It didnt forfill her needs and she missed me to much, and I missed her. Before that we had a relationship when we were in a boardingschool togheter, and live extremly close up on eachother. This worked, but at times we got too much of eachother. It's been 3 months since we broke up, and after the break-up we kept in touch almost as normal. Called eachother often and messageing eachother, almost like we didn't break up.(I never felt that we gave the relationship a good chanse, we never tryed it under normal circumstances, living togheter ect.) The last month now she hasn't talked to me as much, less and less contact. And I suddently realised that I still felt something for her. I talked to her about it(she didn't feel the same way) and then all the deadly mistakes started happening. And now I have driven her farther away from me.
I have just started the no-contact-period and I'm allready feeling better. I have set some goals and stared working on them. What I'm most worried about is the fact that it's 3 months since we broke up and I had this breakdown now. And I'm afraid that if she finds a new guy now it wont be a rebound-guy since so much time has gone by since we broke up. I know that you say that they won't but I was thinking since it's not right after the breakup and if she finds a new guy(I know that she is talking to other guys) it won't just be a rebound. Things have changed, shes moving back to my country now, and that's one of the reasons I want to try and get her back.
Thanks - John
KEVIN!
I (38y)knew the girl(30y) for 3 years prior to dating, definitely considered her a friend, a very flirty friend. Plenty of dates; we hooked up a few times but nothing serious. My father passed away, and we started dating about 3 weeks after. we dated for 6 months, until she called it off, saying that she couldn't see pass being friends (The story I got from her friends was I was pushing the pace to fast, which I was for sure).
We had a pretty big trip planned to commence in 2.5 months from the break up date. so we decided to do it, we both remained single and still planned the finer details of the trip, kind of always in contact. We did the trip, 5 weeks overseas, it went well. We got back and I told her that I was in love with her. She said she was not in the same place, and that she hopes we could be friends and would be very sad if we couldn't and that she would always care about me regardless, something like that.
I thought about it, heartbroken, and agreed to friends after about a week of thinking, but after another week or so of basically no contact I had come to realize that we have never been friends prior, and we've always been two people going on dates with mutual attraction, I cannot see myself being just friends with her, at least not now. I started the no contact, to get over her so I could hit a reset with us. But she is texting me, “Hiya :) How are you doing?” type texts, under the assumption we are pals.., But I have not replied.
What do I do? Do I have to tell her that I have rethought my position on the friends thing? Or just go no contact without saying anything? Or do I reply in short to her texts? I DO NOT want to be a backup plan. or the guy she talks to about other relationships, (she BTW has plenty of these guys already in her life). I also do not want to talk relationship stuff anymore, it’s such a drag.
I have never been dumped until now, I KNOW I became needy and pushed the pace with her. Prior to this relationship I have never been the needy type, I admitted it to her when we initially broke it off, I admitted my emotions were a bit all over the map after my dad passed, and I was working it out. But once you cross that needy bridge it’s hard to go back, I know I've seen it from the other side.
I don't know if you got my last comment but my girlfriend and I have been going out for a little over 10 months. I'm 21 and going to be a senior in college and she's 17 and going to be a freshman in college. I've been her first everything pretty much. We were already past the "honeymoon stage" and were on the I love you/ I'm in love with you level in our relationship.
Well she just recently had her freshman orientation and before that everything was fine; she said she missed me and wanted to see me asap. But during and after her orientation she started acting completely different towards me. When she got back she told me that she needed to talk to me about something. Of course that made my heart sink..
I thought she was going to break up with me, but what she said was worse (I think). She asked if we could try to have an open relationship, at least for a while just so she could see/try and experience some of the things that I already have. She said that she didn’t want to break up or take a break or anything but felt like she couldn’t continue the relationship unless she had the chance to see for herself.
I didn't know what to say at first because I considered it but I know these sort of things never work out. I completely understand that she's curious because we’ve all been there (myself included) and she said it's only so she doesn't have any doubts in the future because she loves me and can see herself with me forever.
But regardless, I decided that my best course of action was to break up with her. As much as it hurt (still hurts) I knew it had to be done so I did.. I just could not stand the thought of sharing her.
I told her my reasoning and hours later after I had left her house she texted me that she didn't want to never see me again, that she loves me so much and couldn't stop crying. She said she didn't want it to be over but she just wanted to try for a semester. I told her to go ahead and see and that I wouldn't hold her back but for her not to expect me to just sit around and wait for her. I told her if she wanted to talk she could text me but I wouldn't text her.
The next day she texted me saying that she missed me and loves me. We talked for a bit and I even considered going to talk to her but she didn't know what else there was to talk about because both our minds were made up.
She ended with saying that she would just need to keep annoyingly texting me whenever she cried. I told her I love her with all my heart and she told me she loves me more than anything.
That was 5 days ago.. I guess that's when the NC rule started because we haven’t talked since then. Only liked each other’s’ pictures on Instagram. And I'm just afraid that she's already over it, or doesn't miss me because she's not texting me because she's not crying anymore like she said she would, and I don't know what to think.
I know I need to keep my distance for now and eventually re-connect with her but we still have about a month till we go back to school. Should I wait that month and contact her right before we both leave? Or should I wait longer? What if she contacts me before the NC period is up?
I still love her so much and I want her back more than anything, but only if she will be fully committed to me as I am to her. I would appreciate any and all advice you have to offer me. Thank you so much.
Hi Kevin and community.
I know and understand patience is key in waiting out a "rebound relationship", but how do you get past the annoyance of seeing the new person in her life everyday.
And a small update. I go to a park near my job at lunch, she texted me asking if I was still there so she can tell me something about work (suppose to meet last night, but she canceled), she told me what she had to and said maybe we can meet later and I can show you more for you to understand it.
I plan on leaving my job in the near future once I find something new. Thoughts?
DF,
You seem to be doing well. Keep calm and have fun during the lunch. Getting better job is a plus for sure! Go for it! Good luck!
Thanks Dara! It's a fight everyday. It just hit 1 month but have a lot of confidence it will get better.
You're welcome DF! Its the confidence that matters!
Okay, whole story time. Me and my boyfriend were in a relationship for two weeks. Like he acted serious and so did I. Like me and him were the same no joke. It was unreal how I knew when he was upset and why. And now he broke up with me. And is seeing this girl who cause a lot of drama and needs to stop. Because he started threatening me that she would do something. I mean. I'm blaming her for the fact of putting all this crap in his head. But alittle bit after our break up. I hooked up with his best friend..will he come back in due time? If I follow these steps?
hey n.s,
i'm really sorry for saying this,i really am but you have never been in a relationship with that guy.i mean 2 weeks is really nothing.you never got to know each other and it was nothing serious and you hooked up with his best friend.even if it was a 2 year relationship i would have suggested you to move on cuz even if you get back together,its not gonna be a healthy relationship.
Amen to that a.z :) ... (I'm sorry but I agree, 2 weeks + hooking up with bestie= bad)
Okay, yeah. I need help seriously. Like me and my boyfriend broke up and he's going out with a girl who starts drama and he says I start drama. But a little after we broke up I had sex with his best friend. Will this still work?...I'm just saying. Is this advice still valid?
Hi guys! i need some advice, my and my ex girlfriend broke up after about 2 year, 1,5 week after the breakup she started dating with my best friend. i tried to ignored her for a while, but we stil have contact monthly because of work. around a week ago i spoke to her again and we did something togheter, this ended up in kissing. the day after she went to go talk to her boyfriend, and after the ignored me and wanted some extra space. any advice?
Hi Robin,
Do NC for 30 days then send her a message that you accept the break up and you're moving on. She needs to realise that she can't just come back to you any time, that you're not her door mat. Just follow the 5 step plan. Good luck
The whole situation got a bit more complicated, i heard and now for sure the guy she is dating kissed another girl, while she was away on holiday. it gives me a bad feeling because he is hurting her already. Somewhere i know it isn't my problem anymore, but offcourse i still care.
It seems that I can't find my story even if I send two of them....now is very urgent.
Something came up, tomorrow is the birthday party of our friend but I started the No contact philosophy just 4 days ago. I don't really know what to do because I know him and I think that maybe this NC thing will do but I have to do it perfectly or it could go very bad, I'm really scared.
My idea for now is that I won't go and if they ask me why I'll say that I've already made plans with others, nothing too specific.
I just don't know if is the right thing to do,I don't want them to think that I'm too weak to face my ex or I'm some kinda of a bitch to not go out with them, but I don't want to explain to them the NC plan because they could tell him about that and my work'll fail.
Please I could really use an advise right now....
Hi! I would really appreciate a response from you. I have a question concerning the no contact period. I had successfully completed it. However, towards the last couple weeks i coped with a drug. After, I discontinued the use of the substance, I went right back to sending her a plethora of mostly depressing texts, (I believe I was just having an off day, I have three months to heal.) She replied at first but did not the last night. Although, the next day she sent me a texting saying we could converse often and that she's cool with it. Should I still ignore her for 30 days? I'm completely recovered from the use of the drug, i promise I'm a happy person and have certainly accepted the loss of the love of my life. My only wish is to have her in my life again, of course preferably as a life mate. I appreciate your time!
hey,
I think yes,you should restart NC.try to make positive changes in your life as much as possible.if you are friends on fb,use it to show you are having a good time without her.after NC,she doesn't have to know that you want her back.you should contact her then meet her and impress her with your positive changes.then try to have a good time with her,and hopefully you can reattract her again.
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago. We were together for 5 months and talked for 3 before dating. We met online and I moved across the country for him. We have a real kind of connection. Now when he left me, he told me he doesnt love me, doesnt find my personality attractive and doesnt want a romantic relationship with me. He has had a lot happen to him in the past week, I left for vacation which was the first time leaving him in 5 months and while i was gone he was fired from his job and lost his place to live. He says he wants time to do him and figure out his life and doesnt want a relationship right now. His birthday is in a week...Help me figure out when is the right time to contact him again, without waiting to long so hes moved on to someone else and making sure i gave enough time before trying to start a friendship that will turn into more...
hey,
since you broke up 4 days ago,so NC will be more powerful to make him miss you.continue NC for 30 days.don't break it.he will miss your presence in his life during this time.he will not forget you over a month.and don't worry even if you think he sees someone.its gonna be a rebound and doesn't last.don't ever stalk him on facebook or any other social media.use your facebook account to show him you are having a good time without him.avoid any sad status updates.sign up to kevin's email series it helps you alot during NC and forever.
Okay, so she just posted a reblog on tumblr and basically said that she's going to be getting cuddles in December. This means that they're already planning on meeting each other which would be normal if 1. She wasn't usually a very awkward person who doesn't let people in very easily. 2. Didn't live between 8000-9000 miles apart. 3. Hadn't been together for less than a month.
It took me ages to get her to be comfortable enough around me to let me meet her and get to spend time with her in person or even to let me see her on skype let alone to do anything more. What do I do? I really think that he's only going there to have sex with her and then probably won't care what happens after that. And she's a very emotionally weak person and even cut herself and thought about suicide before I came into her life.
She also just started school again. This takes away a huge amount of time they had together and now they don't seem to spend too much time at all together like they used to, but its only been a few days since that happened so I really don't know what to do. I really miss this girl and would do anything in the world to get her back and to take care of her.
Follow the plan Anson! I believe Kevin's advise will increase your chances! This rebound guy has to work for ages to get to the point where you were! So its a tough job for him as well. Maybe he'll give up somewhere.
To a point, yes. But to a point, no. It took me forever for her to even get into a video skype call with me due to her being nervous/anxious, etc, but they talk on skype, I assume in video calls as well, all the time. She also got up at 4 in the morning today which is very unlike her so that she could spend time with him since neither of them stay up late for the other (which is something I did every single night for her). I'm following the plan and Kevin's advice as best I can, but seeing that they already want to meet scares me. As I've said before, I don't think they'll last, but I'm terrified that he'll hurt her emotionally and mentally as well. She's basically made it really easy on him since he has none of the walls to break down that I had and she's much more trusting of him than she was of anyone when I first met her. I'm really hoping they fall apart well before December and she comes back to me, but I'm also scared that it won't or she won't.
I think this NC will help you get ready for any scenario!
What you said is signs of rebound relationship. It starts fiery but will probably choke off because it didn't have enough chemicals!
Good luck for your NC days!
Don't do anything. From what you said, it's probably a rebound relationship. As for her being hurt, there's nothing you can do to stop it. If you try, it's only going to make you look needy and it will only push her further into his arms. The best you can do is be there for her if she contacts you once their relationship is over.
Today marks exactly a month without her, but it hasn't been a month since our last contact. I know you told me to give her 2 months NC, and I will, but do I contact her a month from now or a month from the last time we had contact?
a month from the last time you had contact.
A strong storm is coming. Should i text her to keep safe? Is that a plus points? Lol. Like "how have you been you? Storm is strong. Keep safe"
Like that hahaha
Hey Daniel,
Did you send the text? Where you live OH or TN?
Kevin and everyone,
So i texted her this morming to stay safe because of the storm. She replied to me saying same for me and my family. I said thanks and pulled a simple joke about the storm but she disnt reply. Our texts are pretty brief and simple. Well atleast i got a response and i gues we're on good terms. She said she wants to be friends in the future anyway but idk when is right timing. She really wants to move on and get over me before making friends. I will still try to move on as well tho its bery hard lol.
Hi Daniel,
Festival David,
I think you should try not to think of the "timing" and go with the flow, youve played it cool, you text to tell her to stay safe and she replied to you which is good!
Dont try and think of another reason to text her or keep the conversation going, she might reply in a few hours or even a day or 2, but the fact she replied is good.
She will start talking to you when the timing is right, or who knows. Even if shes "Trying" to move on...that just sounds like a rebound, she will only move on in her own time, she cant speed that process up herself.
I would leave it as it is for now, maybe in a week or 2... different opportunities may arise in which case you find yourself again with a genuine reason to text her. Maybe another storm? haha
Who knows what will happen then, but for now its good and shes replied to you :)
David,
Yep! I like the idea. I've been following that system but you gave me a broader view and idea. I'll only text her when there is a genuine opportunity. Thanks david! Great info. Great help. I hope you are also doing good. :)
My ex and I dated over the past 3 years, he's 3 years older than me. We've had a break up around last April and eventually got back together he couldn't handle his feelings when he saw me. Each other's first loves. I feel this break up is different because he has never told me not to talk to him again and he said that we're not good for each other he was scared of getting temptation while with me. I hear about him talking to another girl who he's talked to before being a complete gentleman. Then also at bars getting drunk with girls at bars. He goes out everyday with some new friends he made about 2 months ago and does who knows what. He's told his friends that he loves me but we're over and it's time to move on. He has a pretty set mind, he's very stubborn. I feel like being together so long but still moving to fast and us being different ages is what really got to us we also have different sets of friends although we get along with each other's we always liked our own freedom. My thing is when a guy says things like that about being completely over the relationship with me, should I just move on or do we have hope? I've already started no contact, we've only talked once since the breakup where I tried to make things right but obviously failed. We had a connection like no other we were both so different yet accepting of each other, we were always a good time when we were together always finding something to laugh about. But any argue or disagreement would get to him and he hated it which I offered to help work on and he turned it down. He also broke up with me over the phone if that means anything. A part of me is losing hope but the other part doesn't want me too. During this no contact period I've helped myself a lot and I must say I am very happy but then he's still on my mind.
What if me and my ex work together...how does 30 day no contact rule work then?
I've written about it here.
well she said we're taking a break , but i feel like we are never gonna get back together . i love her but idk if she loves me still, she said we're taking a break becuz we fight alot, but i think there's no to why we brokeup , how do i know she still loves me?
hey,
There is nothing you can do to make sure how she feels right now.you should follow the plan.
HELP!I'm 20yrs old. Me and my ex broke up a week ago after dating four months, we had a rough patch over her revealing she was hiding negative thoughts about me and our relationship. I got upset and told her I needed to think.
A couple days later we met for lunch, but she had already eaten chinese and happily showed me her fortune which a friend is about give you good news. then we started talking and she told me how her dad would surprise her mom with flowers and how sometimes we felt like friends with a lot of kissing even though it had been both of our longest and best relationships by far. I didn't compliment her as much as I should of. she is going to school 2 hours away this fall, and she said she didn't want to do long distance if were just going to break up. after two lunches like this she broke up with me.
Since then I have taken a job that forces me to travel often. I dream about her every night. I can't get her out of my head and sometimes I am just completely miserable. A couple days ago I broke the ice and called her and said I still wanted to be friends. She readily agreed and we talked a little bit amicably. I admittedly called her again yesterday and we chatted again about various things.
I want her back more than anything. I wish i could have been more romantic I want to get her flowers and I wish i had found a chance to take out in my truck in the middle of night to look at the stars. I would do anything to get her back.
Hello everyone.
My ex and I have known each other for about 9 months, and when we met we hit it off instantly. We’re both in high school. Things were going well and we were happy until about a month and a half before the breakup.
We broke up because things just became really bitter and stressful. Our problem was that we almost only saw each other at school because whenever I tried to make plans with her she was busy. However, we talked, texted, and video chatted 24/7. I wasn’t intimate enough with her; I should have been a lot more loving. We never had any alone time and I was nervous about getting too physical with her at school in crowded hallways with everyone around us trying to get to class, or in the couple of classes we had together in front of our teachers. Towards the end, we had a bunch of little arguments and hard feelings. Nothing major or important, it was meaningless arbitrary stuff. I think it was mostly due to stress from us not seeing each other enough. However, I admit that I often made a big deal of things that didn't really matter and would get upset, bitter, and dramatic over little stuff. I'm fully willing to admit all this and I'm ready to apologize to her. I feel like an idiot.
All of this eventually led to her getting cold, distant, and aloof. She started ignoring me over call/text for weeks and when I saw her in person she avoided me or barely said anything at all. Finally, school ended and she was completely ignoring any attempt I made to contact her. After trying to ask her what was bothering her and talk things out for about a week, I realized it wasn’t working so I ended things officially. I don’t think there was anything else I could do. I wasn't angry, insulting, or nasty about it. At most I told her she was being immature. A few days afterwards I found this site (among others) and started NC.
So, I've been in NC for almost a month now and have been starting to think of breaking it within the next month. I'm over being miserable, needy, desperate etc. I've been enjoying my hobbies, seeing friends, having a good time, getting out in nature, and working out. Life is getting good again.
Last night out of the blue, she posted a very angry picture of herself on Instagram with this caption: "Take a minute to~ 1. See the hate for you in my eyes. 2. Text your replacement. 3. Ignore this because you're an asshole. 4. Just know you suck." I don't know where she came up with this idea, but she thinks I've replaced her with someone (I definitely haven't, not immature enough to start a rebound). I’m confused about why she’s saying I’m an asshole for ignoring her because before NC, I never ignored her for more than a few hours to cool off. She was the one who became cold and started ignoring me, while I was trying to apologize and talk things out.
Also, I found out she's in a rebound relationship...it's painstakingly obvious. It's only been about a month since we broke up, and I'm clearly still on her mind. She proved that with her Instagram drama. From what I know she's known him for 6 or 7 weeks, and they've probably been together for 1 or 2.
Before this, I had no idea she was this bitter and upset about me. I thought she was indifferent, uncaring, and just done with me at most; and that she was probably starting to feel better. I was getting the feeling that after the breakup she thought I was an idiot and was too needy and dramatic... not that she hated me and thought I was an asshole. She hadn't contacted me or talked about me publicly before this and I thought she might be moving past the breakup (the first part--the good way).
Now I'm confused what my next move should be. I actually feel really bad for her. Before, I thought she just didn't want anything to do with me anymore, but now I see that she's hurt and upset. I'm not sure if her thinking I've replaced her is necessarily a good or bad thing. I think it might make her become jealous, see me as a challenge, and want me back, but on the other hand I don't want her to think I'm a jerk or that I cheated on her or something. Should I let her know I don't hate her, and I haven't replaced her? Should I tell her she's wasting her time and energy holding onto all these negative feelings and calling me names on the internet? Or should I ignore this and keep doing NC? I've been thinking it might be a good idea to end NC when her rebound ends. Either way, I'll start seeing her again in early September as we're both in high school.
Hi Dara,
It's great to see that you've been working on yourself, you seem happy. How are things with your ex now, do you still have feelings for her? It's been so long since you two have contacted, and sometimes it's bad to wait too long if you are still looking forward to get back with her. If you are happy and still is interested in her, I think it's a great time to ask her for lunch or something even if it's before graduation. I believe in you, good luck Dara.
Edward,
I'm glad to see you here! Thanks for the post.
I think with her graduation plan, goodbye is probably inevitable. She must have thought really hard about it. Moreover, she must have made some plans on her post graduation.
What annoys me about her personality is that she expected ideal of me but she wasn't really ideal. I am very sincere and honest about my emotions and plans (except here because my mind still tricks me) but she lives in the world of head-games. In these days, no one expects anything from me and this is really relaxing.
I am confident about what I am doing now. It sounds a bit impolite when I say, "she is probably stressed up in these days and has gained weight but I want to avoid her at least before her graduation". There are chances that if I contact her, I escalate her stress furthermore. It will probably backfire on me. As a rule of thumb its always best to contact people when they are really happy.
I believe if she hasn't moved on, she won't in these days. Sorry, but I also want her to feel lonely these days and re-evaluate her actions lately. During our relationship, I had never let her alone which was my bad!
Edward, I am doing this NC for myself. I love the changes. I don't think about her when I am drunk lately! Can't believe it!
About your question, I describe my feelings about her as "smooth affection"! Its not intense or crazy anymore. Maybe its because I have forgotten the intense bad days and think about her as a new relationship.
Dude! How about you? Any updates? Still waiting for the summer to end? Oh! Killing time really sucks! I also believe you have done a great job so far! I like the fact that you have changed the trend of your breakup! Great!
Everything is great for me, been working out and going summer school. My ex is in east coast right now and will be back next week. I won't be able to see her until this month is over. I don't think you'll cause her stress if you contact her, it's been so long since you've did. Most of us will feel less connected to our ex especially after a period of NC. It's up to you, but I think it wouldn't be too bad sending her a text to see how she's doing.
Edward,
I'm glad that you are doing great!
You guys got me thinking. Maybe I should prepare an email or hand written letter, a tricky one! Now, most of my brain is under my control! LOL
Guys,
Its really hard to decide!
Its true that we had really good moments but something from inside me says, "avoid her, she's the devil". She is a racist who talks about respect and equality. She would call someone stupid but if you call that person stupid the next day, would criticizes you on using inappropriate words the whole week! There has been no communication between she and her dad for years!! That always worried me about the mental health of that family.
When I thought about marrying her, I thought my children should be 100% like me and 0% percent like her. So, what attracts me to her? Probably her head-games made me addicted to her.
I have a half complete letter draft but these thoughts were break. I will need a couple of more days to work on a small but effective email!
Right now, I'm confused!
WOWW! Last night I was so negative!! I sent her a positive email saying that I have changed, I have heard about her graduation and I support her! Since, I am no more crazy, I hope any negative (or no) response does not impact me! LOL!
i saw your last night's post just now and i totally understand you.but whatever it is you still love this girl and want to be with her.i know there are too many logical explanations that tell us we should continue NC until we make sure about how we feel and if it is gonna be a healthy relationship or not.but i personally couldn't do that and even though i see too many reasons not to be with my ex,i want him back.so don't worry about it.
and i wish u all the best with the email response.
a.z.,
Thanks again for being here!
I'm okay if she does not respond. Just like you I am working on other plans! This one is stressful while others are fun! I have accepted the fact that she will probably go to some other town and its not really work! I don't like LDR! I love intimacy!
I think I don't love this girl anymore! I like her! I'm sure about it! I think her boss was slightly upset about her because she did not inform them about graduation. Now, they have to recruit someone else in a short notice!
Thanks again a.z.!
This should. Really help me thank you
My situation is different. I broke up with my boyfriend, he was a mess, told me he loved me, wanted me back, he'd wait forever, etc. etc. during this time we were friends. about after 1.5 months of this i realized i made a huge mistake and i still loved him a lot. When I talked about maybe getting back together if i moved back to the west coast (we were in a LDR and I broke up with him because I was entertaining the idea of moving abroad instead of moving back to LA and didn't want to regret it. and then I decided i can't be without him and instead would move to LA to be with him) he was very into the idea and said he would "like that a lot". then the more affectionate I was with him and called him the more distant and cold he became. he was like this for a month and now it was me calling him and him saying no, that he can't be in a relationship right now. the last time we talked at the end of last month he said he didn't believe me when i said I wanted to be with him and he felt jerked around. he then said he needed space for the rest of the summer and I said okay i will call you when I get back from my vacation (to the country I wanted to move to) around labor day and we would both reflect on things and then decide if we wanted to be in a relationship or friends. he said okay. I think he still has feelings but is scared of me hurting him again.
a week later i emailed him (i know. i should have found your site sooner!) and told him i had thought about things and wanted to be with him and know he's the one. i also told him i wouldn't contact him again but i didn't need two months to know that he's my soulmate no response.
obviously this is tricky because:
1. I dumped him
2. he initiated the NC and I agreed.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
Hi! I would really appreciate a response from you. I have a question concerning the no contact period. I had successfully completed it. However, towards the last couple weeks i coped with a drug. After, I discontinued the use of the substance, I went right back to sending her a plethora of mostly depressing texts, (I believe I was just having an off day, I have three months to heal.) She replied at first but did not the last night. Although, the next day she sent me a texting saying we could converse often and that she's cool with it. Should I still ignore her for 30 days? I'm completely recovered from the use of the drug, i promise I'm a happy person and have certainly accepted the loss of the love of my life. My only wish is to have her in my life again, of course preferably as a life mate. Thank you for you time!
I think 30 days can still benefit you since you've recently showed her your needy self.
So I've gone into complete panic mode , I think my ex is talking to someone else and I think I know who it is. But I can't confirm it nor deny it because I dont know. Help me please!!
k.w,
Easy. Nothing you can do about that. You cant control it. Just dont let yourself act upon emotion. Dont let loose. Chill.
I know I'm completely nervous that he is going to to happy with her.
Let him be. dont try to stop him. He wont appreciate you for that. Just focus ob yourself and after sometime let him see and slap it into his face how better you are than that girl.
Yah, I know. How am I suppose to show that I am better than her, not right now obviously. But when the right time does present it self?
i totally agree with Daniel.don't panic its probably a rebound. you can check it here https://exbackpermanently.com/is-your-ex-in-a-rebound-relationship/
.even if he its not rebound there is a way and you can check it here https://exbackpermanently.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-he-has-moved-on-to-a-new-girlfriend/
i posted a comment and its waiting moderation. i agree with daniel its most probably a rebound.don't panic and read the article there is a section about it.even if its not a rebound,there will be a chance to get back together.
I know that its more than likely a rebound, but I am feeling like she is much better than I am.
Talk about better!
My ex is seeing a college volleyball player. Hes taller and more built. While im shorter and fat. Just gain some confidence. Its not about getting better sometimes. Its about accepting yourself and not feeling insecure.
doesn't matter,physical appearance is important but its not everything when it comes to the connection between the partners.just try to be the best version of yourself.do whatever you can to look better. even one positive change in you can trigger your ex's emotions to get back.be confident and its really attractive to guys.
Good luck
Well that volleyball player looks old or matured perhaps. While me. Im cute you know baby face lol. Its true i dont look like 22. Im like 16. Haha. We are different. But my ex was a vbol player too while my sport is basketball idk maybe its about vbol thats why they connected
Daniel, I agree with a.z. Physical appearance is nothing special. My ex was not even remotely attractive. There will be a girl out there for you. Now to get a guys point if view. Is it true that guys move on faster than women ? Me and my ex broke up three weeks ago so I'm just wondering .
Daniel,
you believe you two had a deep connection so don't worry about anything.
if they are both volleyball players, it doesn't mean that they are feeling a special connection.
do i feel any emotional connection when i go out with another dentist? hell no LOL
k.w,
sorry for jumping in.i am a female actually but i think you cant say which one moves on faster.it really depends on the situation like who dumped who? and why?and other situations.
and guys deal with the break ups kinda different than we think.
A.z. No you're fine. I want to hear other peoples point of view. I just want to know if my ex can even really move on in three weeks. Its probably more than likely a rebound? So he can have someone fill in my spot. I had trust issues with him. So I'm not really sure if I really want to get back with him or is it the fact that I feel lonely. We dated almost two years. So I don't know.
He's the one who dumped me. We were stressed with school and fighting alot. Unfortunately I did not trust him. Were both 20 , this girl that he works with is 17 she started talking to him and she basically started telling him what she's capable of. I noticed that he was snapchatting her. We all know what snap chatting is good for. We had a huge argument and he ended the conversation with him telling me he has "feelings" for her. But I'm not even sure that he's talking to her. I think he's trying to talk to another girl but I am probably jumping to conclusions. I have a tendency of over analyzing everything. So, I'm thinking that he's trying to find someone to replace me right now. We are both going to the same university this coming fall, so I don't how everything will play out, but I am keeping my options open.
and 3 weeks is nothing.you need to follow the plan.
if you were in any type of serious relationship,he is definitely not moved on.and its a rebound. and 2 years is a really long time so don't worry.he can't move on so fast. start NC and continue it until you make sure if you want him back or not. read the article and follow the plan.
A.z.
I never really thought that he could move on In three weeks especially sense we did go out for a long time and it was pretty serious. Thank you for all your advice it has helped me from going into complete panic mode.
No on moves on in 3weeks. Even if they have a reserve before the breakup. I agree with a.z. It depends who dumped who and why. But i think hes in a rebound. Trying to fill the void loneliness.
k.w.,
In fact, guys are slower in moving on, if they were in a real relationship! 2 years look like more than real to me! Just like other guys (including a.z.) mentioned here,2 or 3 weeks is really nothing! I'm sure he will move back to you! Just follow Kevin's articles and advises!
If you feel like you are in any panic mode, simply post it here! We'll be there to calm you down or at the most give our opinions on the situation!
By the way, my ex is short and a bit fluffy but I love her over any other girl! These features don't really matter when it comes to an established relationship!
We'll be glad to hear more from you k.w!
Dara,
I am so glad I found this website. Honestly yall are the only people who have been able to help me get through this. I really hope he realizes what he's lost and does come back to me. Truthly yall will be hearing alot from me. Thank yall again !
Guys,
Thankyou for saying good things. Thanks kevin and rihanna for seeing me as a champ. But i cant bring myself to beleive it. Im so down right now my life was a mess when she left. I cant find happiness alone i cant feel that i am complete without a partner. I still love her why she is already moving on. Im trying hard to move on but i always have this morning struggles. When i wake up i miss her so much. I tremble with sadness. My family is not a help also theyre lectures are just adding stress to me. I dont know what makes me happy. I want to meet new people but i cant im stuck with my friends that are i think fed up with my drama. Sometimes im okay sometimes im so so depressed. I just need someone to hug and blurt everything out. I dont even have a bestfriend. I need to compose myself but i dont know where to start. I just wish she comes back. Is there a way to move on fast? Im sorry i just dont know where to turn to. This breakup was so so devastating for me.
I'm really sorry Daniel,i exactly know how you feel.and how terrible this is when you feel the pain in your heart when you wake up every morning.but trust me,this will go way.no matter what,you are gonna be happy again.i wish i could do something to reduce your pain but all i can say is that you have been acting really good.you have been really strong.remember the day i thought my ex was dating someone? remember my reaction?but you didn't do any of that.so you are really a champ.
to move on, you should really be ok with being single first.you should enjoy your life.do what you like.take a hobby,do what you always wanted to do but you didn't have time for it,go out with your friends,party,whatever like that,have some fun.don't talk about your break up to your friends it only makes you feel worse.whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone,come here and talk to us. when you feel a little better about your life try to date new girls even if you are not really interested.
go to gym,go biking,swimming and you will feel the change in yourself.
don't worry about not finding a new girl. its almost 5 months after my breakup and trust me i went on a lot of dates but i wasn't feeling that good until i found that i'm ok with being single.and this happened to me only a few days ago.you should know that you don't need your ex or any other girl to be happy.
don't think about why she is moving on ,i know it hurts but i really believe that its her loss.and i'm sure your gonna find a new girl and a perfect relationship.
be strong buddy x
a.z,
My tears almost came out while reading your reply. Is it true you're a dentist? My ex is currently in her dentistry proper. You know, i just need to pull myself together. When i found out that she posted pics of her with a new guy it feels like im back to square one. Like i want to go to her place and confront her and beat the guy into a pulp. But i know that it will do nothing good that i will only end up being the loser so i just ignored it. In dating new girls. I want to date but some reject me. Others are not really ny type. Like there is no spark. Get me? So i think the only way know is to find myself. Fix myself. Everything should be about myself. I feel alone most of the time. And its hard. Im looking for support so i tend to tell them to my friends. Like Dara said thy're answers are pretty generic. The funny thing is i find the best support is from my ex's older sister although they dont live togther and has her own family. I visit there quite ofte because i find comfort there. But im not hoping or asking for a help from her to get back with my ex. It's hard to thibk that the thing you used to be doin or the things that you could have been doing, shes doing with someone else. That is so damn painful.
I totally get whatever your saying and that makes alot of sense.you are right.you are the most important thing in your life right now.don't care about your friend's words .even my close friends don't understand me and they used to say some annoying things that only made me feel worse.don't care about them at all.change your circle if possible.you should have a good time.go on a trip where you have no memory of your ex if possible.put everything that reminds you of her away for atleast a little while until you feel better.
i remember i couldn't sleep in my own bed because i couldn't handle the memories.you see? i'm really ok now so i'm sure you are gonna be ok.
don't think about what she might be doing. you know? the reason i did so many things was because i was really hurt from the breakup. i was doing everything to reduce the pain and hopefully forget about my ex.and guess what? i am still single and i still love my ex.i never felt something real for those guys.all i wanted was my ex. i want to be frank here to make you sure that even if she is dating someone,that doesn't mean that she has moved on. i slept with 2 guys and trust me it only made me miss my ex more.even now,i'm saying that i kinda feel something for that new guy and this is for the first time after my breakup only because i am not afraid of losing my ex or being single anymore. because i have been trying so hard and i'm kinda tired.and also i am saying that i still love my ex and i want him back.i'm working on myself to get him back but i need a breaktime cuz i can't take anymore pain.so don't think about what she might be doing.
you need to care about yourself.once you feel ok you can start fresh.no one said you can never get back with her,in fact you have been great until your friends told you about the pics.
just get yourself out of pressure for a little while and relax.
a.z,
Thanks a lot. I really dont know where to start but im trying to pick up the pieces. Its been 4mos since we broke up but im stil like this. I hate the feeling kf missing her. I hate the pain. Im so tired of all of it but my heart wont stop. This is very hard. Im glad i found friends here.
your welcome champ,
its really normal,everything you feel is normal.don't blame yourself for what you feel.you are even better than most of us.take it step by step.
you are gonna be better soon.only you can make yourself happy and i'm really sure you can do it xoxo
Daniel.
I still feel like you are my little bro, so I have everything for you! Its really hard! I know it!
Daniel, I have a suggestion, don't be close to her sister. Maybe, your ex is finding her solace in talking about you being needy though her sister! Just like Kevin and Rihanna said, I believe you are a champ! Even a.z. insisted on it!
About the true friend, I also don't find any true friend anymore! Probably, its an age matter! True friends are hard to find after some age! But just like a.z. said, if you feel lonely, let us know. We will talk about it in our post/comments!
Life sucks! We are not the first ones, we won't be the last ones!
Try dating as many girls you see around! Just try my bro! Simply flirt with them! Your ex dated you for so long time, so will thousands of girls around you! I promise you!! You were sexy to her, so will you to thousands of them (girls) around! You just need to time to discover them!
I will be glad to hear more from you my friend!!
Dara,
Well my ex doesnt know that her sister and me are still talking. We kept it between ourselves to preserve the friendship and no to further the damage.
Daniel,
As you know, girls talk more than guys. I still believe there are chances! Yet, it still depends on the personality but my ex's friends knew a lot about our relationship. Once my ex said that even her friends ask her about the size of the dick!
Dara,
Hahahaha! Well, the thing is my ex is not in constant contact with her sister. Actually they are having a hard time contacting each other. But then again you are right i will distance myself.
Daniel,
I agree with Dara, it's best not to confide too much to her sister cos if your ex is also doing the same it might backfire one day, or someday for some reason she might confess to her sister that you've been talking to her. Girls do that, unfortunately :( ... try and confide in a friend that's close to you and preferably a mate like Dara, although we're all online friends I must admit we've helped each other lots and from my end, even more than my every day family and friends. So whenever you feel like you need to talk come on this site at least you can trust that no one will hurt you with your secrets. For now, concentrate on yourself, do new activities, go on a small get away and don't fuss over what she's been doing and don't worry about pics. Go out yourself, socialize more and try a few dates they may not mean much to you but these dates might give you a different perspective about yourself and what you want in life, what your expectations are for a healthy relationship vs a fling...etc... From what I've come to know on this site, you're a great guy and have much to give so relax and let things flow. Good luck Champ!
Hey Kevin,
Like I told you previously my ex is seeing someone else only after 2 months we broke up. The problem is that now there is no source where I can find out if this could turn out into a relationship. There is no contact at all. Which means I don't ask mutual friends.
I have already told you that I plan to keep NC for at least 2 months. But how can I keep going after that if I don't know the progress of this rebound relationship. Plus if I see him at the airport in 3 days, does this mean I will have to begin my NC from the beginning?
Thanks
Julia,
The advice Kevin has given me is that you don't know. He said, "yes, there is a chance that it may happen and you have to be ok with the fact that you may lose her" When I thought that the rebound relationship between my ex and the new guy can lead to a real relationship it was painful.
NC is for you to find happiness without your ex, and when you do find it you will realize something. Julia, I was with my ex for 3 years and I saw her holding hands with someone 2 weeks after we broke up. We don't really want a relationship where our ex's jump from one ship to another. Take this time to really make a positive change, prove to yourself that you dont need him to be happy. That you dont always have to think about him, it should be your decision to get back with him or not. Do you really want someone who will leave you whenever? You dont deserve to feel miserable, you deserve to feel better. Time will heal, take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else.
Thank you Edward,
I really appreciate your answer. I so understand what you're saying and I know it is the right thing to do. But it is unbelievably hard to let go when you have strong feelings for that person. And you know that this person also shared the same feelings if not more strong. Yes I will have to focus on myself and how I can be happy without him. But I cannot stop hoping for this relationship when I know it's totally worth it.
Julia
If you don't make any mistakes when you see him, you don't have to start NC all over again. And when NC is over, you should contact him regardless of his rebound situation. It doesn't matter if he has broken up or not, hearing from you will still have it's effect.
Kevin,
Just wanted to add a quick update here. I had stated before that I had been hanging out with my ex and that we were going on a "little night trip." I did not end up asking her out. Instead, I asked about the other guy that I am almost postive she has been hanging out with. Social media doesn't lie. She denied it, of course & said she wouldn't hurt me like that. I'm confused as to where I should go from here. I really like her, but don't want to start a relationship off on a lie (if she is & she stated they are friends, but they don't hang out) I was with her all weekend and did go go a family event of hers. People asked her if we were dating and she stated "I don't know" What do you or does anyone else think. I text her last night stating that I was glad we talked about it and she replied "feel free to ask vs worrying and thinking the worst." Should I trust the girl that hurt me once (6 years ago) people do change don't they. We've hung out for 3 months and feels like were friends that kiss (and thats it)...something has to be holding her back? or am I over thinking this. Thanks for your help again, always much appreciated!
Jayme,
A relationship takes trust and risk. You risk getting hurt and you have to trust her for the relationship to be strong. She must do the same. I would suggest taking it slow and see what happens, don't expect much. Use your time with her to have fun and show her that you love her. Time will take care of things and everything will fall in place and you will see whether she's the one or not. By spending more time with her, you'll have the opportunities to attract her, and this will make her less likely to cheat or leave you.
Hey Jayme,
Like Edwards said, if you want a relationship with her, you will have to take the risk. And it's better to trust her instead of over-thinking it. Again, it's your decision. And if you think you can't trust her (because of what happened in the past or whatever proof you are seeing in her social media), then you are better off not pursuing her and move on. You can try to talk to her and tell her what you think (about you not trusting her and her lying), but at this stage, it's probably going to blowback and you might hurt your chances of getting back together.
So I’m 41 and she’s 39. Both of us had been alone for 2 years after both of our significant others cheated on us before we re-met (I chased her in my teens and early 20’s). Our relationship only lasted 4 months, and in that time I ended it twice.
The first time was due to her convincing me to cancel plans we had with a dear friend of mine so we could spend time with dear friends of hers, and instead of “us” doing it, she chose to do it without me, but all the while leading me on as if we would catch up sometime throughout the night and excuse after excuse on why that didn’t happen at each of their stops (dinner, movie, cocktails).
The last time was due to her drifting. She was starting a new business, and we went from 4 to 5 times a week with each other to maybe one if we were lucky. The drift caused me to over think all the reasons that it could be happening. Her status on FB still saying single, all of her friends are hers and her ex’s and she didn’t want them to know about me. I hadn’t met a single one of her friends in the 4 months yet she hung out with me and mine often. Our communication slowly drifted from hours a day of texting and talking, to a few short sentences a day.
I gave an ultimatum that she find at least 1 more night a week that we could spend with each other, even if just for a few hours, a dinner, a movie, or just face to face talking. She said she couldn’t deviate from her business plan. So it ended.
That week she called me 4 days later. She was kind, and she informed me that she would make the event we had scheduled before all of this 2 days later. When I saw her, she was wearing makeup (I’d never seen her wear makeup before), and looking amazing. I was so afraid that I was going to say the wrong thing, I found myself quite inebriated. This was a mistake, I wanted answers even more, so I asked a question, and she blew up at me saying “Not right time, not right place”. I didn’t understand, it was a simple question. She leans to one of my friends, says she’s tired and is going home to bed and leaves.
I bombed her phone, 24 times, she finally answered, and I heard club music in the background. Wait, makeup, all her FB friends are hers and her ex’s, she doesn’t want them to know about me, I’ve never met any, and her FB status always said single “so they won’t ask any questions”. I lost it, I said some horrible things on voicemail, I wrote horrible things in FB chat.
The next day I received all of my things from her (she gave them to my sister), and a text… “I want you out of my life”. I didn’t text again until I heard her brother had their baby 12 days later. I tried to track them down but couldn’t so I sent her a text of congratulations. She replied with a “thank you, but we also lost a close family friend the same day”. I gave my condolences and left it simple. I sent 3 dozen roses and a card that read… “1 is for your pain… 1 is for your joy… and the rest are to thank you” and signed the card with an endearing phrase I used to tell her. She texted that night “Thank you for the flowers, they are lovely”. 2 days later I asked “Would you be receptive to dinner”, she replied “When did you have in mind?”. I gave 2 days that week and she stated the week was busy for her, I gave a day the following week with no response again. 4 days later I texted hoping she was ok, and that I hadn’t heard anything about dinner, no response… The next day I lost it a bit, and texted “If you’re trying to mess with my head by blocking me on FB and not responding, you’ve succeeded.” I got a text back stating that she had no desire to ever rekindle anything with me, that I should stop pushing my wants on her and the only thing she wants from me is peace.
Well, I initiated NC, on the 30th day, I texted the romantic movie text with no response… 3 days later I texted a beautiful memory text with no response. Yesterday I ran into an issue with my kids and they mentioned her, so I texted (from a different number, because I’m thinking maybe I’ve been blocked on her phone as well) asking if she had any contact with my kids since the breakup, she did respond (very much to the point) “No I have not had any contact with your children”. My reply; “Thank you for your response. Hope you’re doing well. Take care.”. That was the end of it.
Now I’ve no clue what to do… Yes she responded to that, but she seems indifferent, and the RR letter is so final.
hey ron,
I think you should follow the plan. you have sent her the something reminded me of you text and other texts the wrong time.and if you have read kevin's article and RR.so you already know what to do.i think you need to go on NC for 2 months.
check for kevin's respond i'm sure it will help you more.
Good luck
Hey Ron,
Your breakup story is somewhat like mine! She also told me, "get out of my life". She also blocked me on Facebook but I still see her on Skype and Linked-In. Probably my phone is not blocked.
It was about 80 days ago! I've seen her randomly here and there. In the first month, she seemed grumpy. So except the letter and a text I made no attempts. I've seen her lately. Apparently, she tried to have eye contacts with me. See how the trend changes along the NC! For those who have been at "Death Door", like you and I, it recommended to do NCs for 2 to 3 months! Even more!
It looks hard in the beginning. It looks even more hopeless around 30th day when you don't obtain anything but I promise you that it will gradually look less intense and more hopeful!!
Good luck!
Thank you both for you comments. Yes Dara, I've read your posts over the past month or so that Kevin was out. They seemed similar. As well as bits and pieces from others here.
I'm not sure the NC for 2-3 months will be as big a problem as it might have been the day I posted that. I went to a dark place, totally abusing alcohol, and ended up being arrested.
With a professional career (realtor) down the tubes more than likely and my children/family refusing to talk to me... Right now, although I wish I had her support, she's the least of my concerns. Certainly a blessing in no means of the word, but something that can easily keep me distracted for some time to come.
The NC is meant to be a time to heal, I'm afraid I took it in the opposite direction.
Very best of luck to you all.
Thank you very much Ron!
In fact, I also had/have this alcohol problem. However, I haven't over-drunk myself after the breakup but I drank in places where I wasn't supposed to. They say alcohol is not the solution but I believe in my case it helped me laugh (and have fun) in more serious places.
I also wish the best for you!
Well, I was curious if she had me blocked, so I sent a text asking; "Do you have a moment". She called. Very cold, very distant. Told me; "I'm very happy now", "Things are going really good", "I have no room for drama or assholes in my life", "I wish you no ill will, I wish you happiness, but I don't want you to be a part of my life". ~ The End (well there were a few other things, but the end result).
Hi guys, here is what happened in the past couple of days.
We started talking on WhatsApp . I had unfriended her on Facebook.
We talked little the first day, she texted a lot the second day, she was sending me funny pics, I was doing the same, sbe even said she missed me. I had some work 3rd day I replied quite late.
She became very cold now, replied with okay and hmmm.
I tried talking 3-4 times but she was showing no iinterest.
Now she has her DP saying that if you like someone tell them maybe they like you too and status as if someone dosen't chase you keep walking. I am not even sure if the sign is for me. She was talking a lot to a friend of mine lately whom I rarely speak to, they both had the same dp at many instances. This is so confusing. She said she missed me so I feel its for me.
How should I proceed ?
One more thing, during break up we had some talk she asked for a gift which is given in our country at a festival I got it for her, she doesn't know, should I send her a picture of it ?
I think you shouldn't send a picture of the gift right now.she is acting cold and you need to wait for her to contact you. i think you should have a normal,interesting conversation with her for a couple of times without showing any sign of interest in getting back together then you can send the picture using one of the texts version.
Dear a.z., Edward, Daniel, Festive David, Steve, Rihanna and Kevin,
Just a random post:
Last night my roommate said, "Can I ask you what is this site that I see on your computer screen all the time?" LOL. I explained him that I have learnt about NC here and that I am still learning more on breakups and reasons behind it.
I also want to thank you guys for being here (especially Kevin). In real life, I am a good listener. I pay attention to details and elongate the conversation so that they are empty with words. So, I have some friends who usually spend hours chatting with me. Unfortunately, I could not find a listener before and after my breakup. If I talked about my feelings, their response would be "Don't think about it", "I'm sorry", "Forget it", etc., if they spoke anything.
Moreover, their recommendations were deadlier than my "lame" instincts!!! Kevin can add a section, "funniest deadly mistakes" to his potential forum. I bet I'll compete there! A (depressed) girl friend once suggested me to call her as many times as I can so that she pick up the phone and I followed her! Damn me!!! I called her about 30 times from Friday to Sunday(night)! For weeks, she kept mentioning that she has never seen anyone this creepy and I had to lie on why did I do so! Anyway, what's done is done. I shouldn't call anyone 30 times anymore! ha ha ha...
Its been my 80th day. I believe there was a hidden anger with me these days because I feel more relax than ever. Also, I have started feeling smooth affection towards my ex. I saw her picture this morning on Facebook in a friends wedding. It looks like the girl who used to criticize me on gaining weight has gained a lot of weight lately but I loved her face. Ironically, I have shed about 20 kgs (45 lbs) and no one can say I am out of shape! In the picture, she also had high heels on for the first time!! I wished she was a bit taller when she walked with me!
I saw her boss on Saturday. She knew about the breakup. She told me that my ex doing her best to graduate by the end of July which was not our plan! Our plan was December or next May!! This means she will probably go to some other town for job after graduation. It means reconciliation is meaningless! Damn it!! However, I believe congratulating her on around 100th day would be the best reason to initiate contact!
Also, 100th day of NC marks the anniversary of our first date! Our first sex was in a park! I believe a cop saw us! ha ha ha... Next we "fondled", in a cinema in front of her friends! When I said one of her friends is starring at us, she said, "don't care about him. He's probably a gay!" I think I should send her a remember-those-good-days text on these topics. Her reply would be, "See, I've already told you, you have mental problems. You only think about sex". ha ha ha...
Sorry guys, I think this temperature change, smell of the environment, mid-summer rains, etc. has redirected my mind to the beginning of our relationship, the honeymoon stage and I don't imagine her as a really bad person since last 2-3 days.
I feel happy and good! I wish the same for you guys!
Dear Dara,
i'm so glad to hear that you are happy.i do believe that you have bee doing a great job during NC. don't worry about her graduation you can't be sure if she is leaving for now.use the texts to start the conversation and then randomly say that you have heard that she is graduating and congratulate her.i think the text shouldn't be related to sex or something like that. atleast you shouldn't be mentioning it directly.
yeah i know how the smell of the environment feels like.i'm having the same feeling these days but its ok i think its not painful for us anymore.am i right?
i think she will respond to your text this time.you have been really really great.once you can start contacting each other again,then you can understand her future plans and whether you want to get back with her or not.
i wish you all the happiness in the world and best of luck buddy xoxo
Thanks a.z.! I was joking about the sex message. I won't do that. I have waited about 80 days, 20 more days is no issues. Plus, apparently she has been working 24x7 on her thesis. If I text her it may stress her up. I prefer contacting her when she is happy and accomplished.
I believe psychologically I have an advantage now! She has dumped someone who looks better than her! She has dumped someone who is admired by many for his accomplishments in life. I look happy and unaffected! She does a lot of make up recently to disguise something!
a.z., you are a dentist and you know that loneliest times are before exams or presentations even if you have someone with you. I want her to feel that loneliness.
Plus, I won't regret at all if she has already moved on, at least in long term. I have come to the confidence that I can catch much bigger fishes! For now, I am enjoying chasing girls! I enjoy flirting with girls around! I enjoy making open comments on girls around just like a single free guys!
Thank you a.z.! I also wish all the best for you! Your comments are priceless!
you're welcome xxx
you have made the best decision.you are definitely right and you are doing amazing.i love your attitude and i'm really thinking to do what you are doing in my life.i'm 100% sure that you are gonna be fine.
tbh i texted the hot guy LOL. today is the third day that we are texting and its crazy i really feel something for him.we went out twice and we had a great time.i even reread his texts and it makes me feel good.i still think about my ex but i don't let myself to think about every details and that what will happen in the future.i'm working on myself and i'm reading NVC.i will change for good and if he won't get back,then its ok.
what about you? did you ask the lifeguard girl out?
a.z.,
I truly understand you. You think like my sister. She is truly brutal towards her boyfriends! Yet she has the best ones begging for her!
I am glad that you are doing something good for yourself. I would doubt if you didn't! ha ha ha...
I am still undecided! I flirt with a lot of girls lately! I liked the girl in gym the most! Although she said she has a boyfriend but I feel that she likes me! To be more optimist, I think she wished she was single!
The safeguard girl, got shocked when she saw student ID picture the last time! I have white hairs and look like George Clooney in that picture but in reality I am much younger that him (just 31). So I color it black! This is what my ex wanted me, and I think its quiet logical because I truly look old (but sexy, I know)!
a.z., don't make me talk about narcissist feelings lately!My body has got curves since I reduced weight! Whenever, I see myself in the mirror, I ask myself, "is this sexy guy me??"
Anyway, that was too much! I know you still love your ex! He also loves you! Don't play it rough on him! Your ex truly loves you! As Kevin said, I don't know why he doesn't ask you for re-unification! There should be something in his mind that he is thinking about! Yet, who cares, enjoy your life!
a.z., I just want to add some narcissist sentences, my ex loved the way my eyes and my eyelashes looked liked and she would spend hours on kissing my eyes in first months of our relationship! She would say, its every girls dream to have eyes like you! ha ha ha...
Thank you a.z.! I will be glad to hear more from you! I truly love your comments!
thank you dara,i really feel the same,
actually i like your narcissist feelings and from what you described, i do believe you look really sexy now. and if i were your ex,i would really hate losing you.
if you think that girl shows interest so try to get closer to her.i don't think if that's a wrong thing.you can go out as friends.if she is not in a serious relationship, she will make you understand.
and about me, yeah he probably has something in his mind that he is not discussing with me but i'm done discovering any more thing about him. he said his issues is about my behavior so i'm changing it and i don't want to think about anything else,atleast for now.
btw i'm really happy that you have gained your confidence back.
you are doing a great job,keep it up :)
Thank you so much a.z.!
I already know that you are doing great! You have control of everything! Your ex is truly in love with you! But he is frustrated of talking about his real feelings! That's a guy matter! I truly feel sorry for him! His stuck somewhere! I can understand him!
For now, enjoy you being single! As Kevin says, you have all rights in the world to do anything you want! But don't forget, your guy is your true lover (I know you do)! Time will approve/dismiss it!
I am truly glad for you and I will be highly glad to hear more from you! here!! Best wishes, a.z.!
Hey there Dara
Thanks for sharing, had to laugh about the calling 30 times over a weekend. Yeah I can see why that would be taken the wrong way and come across as creepy :P You sound like an awesome guy with a very genuine heart, so I'm sure that incident wouldn't of been taken wrongly.
Wow 80 days of N.C. Good on you. I agree with a.z that the texts you send her shouldn't be about sex or any physical intimate things that you did as a couple. Supporting her goals is a recommendation of Relationship rewind or something funny that reminds you of her.
Stay happy man :)
Hey Steve!
Thanks a lot! Believe me I couldn't stop laughing when I recollected that I called her 30 times over that weekend! I can't imagine it! When I think of past, I truly acted creepy on several occasion! ha ha ha...
Believe me, when NC becomes long enough, you naturally move on. The fact is that, I asked her boss to update me on her graduation. There are chances that they talk to each other. If I rush in contacting her, if will look needy. Moreover, I am not needy anymore. I think I am okay even if I see her gone for good! Probably I will get upset for a day or two but not more than that.
Hey Steve, I truly hope and believe that you'll get your girl back. Her family is with you! That's the biggest advantage you have! I'm looking forward to see that day!
Sadly it is the only advantage I have at the moment and it doesn't feel like much. As you know I gave my Ex a letter after 30 days no contact and I heard nothing back. I then sent her a text a week later on 4th July, as I knew she had finished a massive work project, wishing a happy 4th and giving her congrats regarding work. I heard nothing back from that.
I know she got them because a mutual friend of ours told me over the weekend that she had commented to a group of friends about it. When I asked what her reaction to the letter was? He just shrugged his shoulders and said "She appeared neutral about it"
I don't know, right now I just feel like I have no cards left to play and have no idea what I should do. I actually went on a lunch date yesterday with a girl I meet online. I signed up to a dating website a couple of weeks ago, but the date was just so flat and I felt very half hearted about it, I don't think I'm ready to start dating other girls at the moment.
So yeah in a bit of a funk at the moment, I come here to the website every day and love reading everyone comments and thoughts. It has been very encouraging even if I not contributing with comments myself
Steve,
You are doing good for your sake! I appreciate your step in dating a girl. I know what it feels when dating a girl you are not in love with. You wish it was her. Every time she (the date girl) take a step closer, you ask yourself, "why not my ex!!". You wish you could cry it loud. This happens in first few dates! Later you start flirting back. By the time, you feel your soul is free and you can think freely! I promise you, its 100% ethical.
I believe to girls and we guys as well, our family support matters. I can't imagine marrying a girl my mother dislikes. Same is with your girl. Her family's recommendation is probably 50% of the endorsement.
Steve, if you consider yourself at "Death Door", you are recommended at least 2-3 months of NC, even more! So don't take it hard on yourself. As time goes on, you realized that you have forgiven her (if there was any argument, just like mine) and you find it irrational you two adults broke up!
I am still looking forward to hear that you ex is back because I BELIEVE!
Dara,
I wish you the best. Im so happy for you. Ideally i should say get your ex back. But after hearing all your stories. I think you're better off without her. Like you have surpassed her. Anyway , whatever you do i think you can handle it good. I wish you the best!
Daniel,
Did I ever tell you that my younger brother's name is Daniel? Whenever I read you comments, I feel its my brother who is in pain! I love to see you in good shape, Daniel!
I feel that I am practically over her though there are parts of me still crying for her! She was a girl of emotions! When we were in good terms, she would beg me to sleep with her at nights! I never had this emotional girlfriend! I mean I had girlfriends who were in love with poetry, who would call me to sing for me at night, but this one was unique of her kind.
Yet, as I mentioned somewhere she was really mistreated by her ex-boyfriend. That mistreatment has made her heart like stone! Have you ever read the book Great Expectations by Charles Dickens?? If yes, Miss Havisham was a capricious woman who but she wasn't that bad originally! Circumstances had made her rude! I feel that my poor ex had undergone really tough life with her ex-boyfriends that has made her rough! However, I shouldn't pay for it!
Daniel, I will be reading you post/comments and will be highly glad to respond you! I still feel like you are my younger brother!!
Dara i replied to your comment above i think you'v missed it :D
you’re welcome xxx
you have made the best decision.you are definitely right and you are doing amazing.i love your attitude and i’m really thinking to do what you are doing in my life.i’m 100% sure that you are gonna be fine.
tbh i texted the hot guy LOL. today is the third day that we are texting and its crazy i really feel something for him.we went out twice and we had a great time.i even reread his texts and it makes me feel good.i still think about my ex but i don’t let myself to think about every details and that what will happen in the future.i’m working on myself and i’m reading NVC.i will change for good and if he won’t get back,then its ok.
what about you? did you ask the lifeguard girl out?
a.z.,
I replied there! Sorry, I just wanted to reply Daniel's and Steve's first because I believe they are in more pain than you are! Sorry!!
Daniel,
My bro, its your space here! I will be glad to hear from you!
Hey Dara,
Thank you for sharing your post I actually chucked few giggles here and there especially when you suggested kevin's new forum should have 'funniest deadly mistakes' haha... callinng 30 times in a few days is definitely deadly but funny too... I'm glad you came on this site and learnt better, as we ALL have. I've done the same OOPS but not 30 times maybe just over 50 lol...
I'm glad that you're happy and seeing your ex in a different light. Things are becoming clearer in your mind so there's no doubt that NC has worked for you, as it has for all of us. But what caught my attention as well, was your ex telling you 'you're mental you always have sex on your mind' I used to say that to my ex too hahaha... Good luck on your first text, sounds like a great idea to mark your anniversary and Congratulations for lasting 100 days! Well done :)
All the best and keep us posted
Hey Rihanna,
Yeah! I can't believe what I had become! That's not usual me! The calling thing is also funny for me! I still laugh at it! It's also sad, because it shows that the other side does not care about it. We had no fights in that week.
Yeah! The sex thing is also a cliche from many women! When they repeat it, it gets annoying! It wasn't the first time I was hearing it from a girl though! I bet she thinks about sex more than me! ha ha ha...
Oh! I just sent her a letter mentioned for the Death Door guys! Her graduation was a good reason to catch her up!
Thank you so much Rihanna! I also wish the best for you!
:D keep us posted on how she'll respond to your letter... hahahaha @ 'she has sex on her mind probably more than you' lol you're probably right. All the best and thank you for always responding to everyone's posts, you're a gem xx
Rihanna,
Thank you very much! No response yet! I'm sure that she's read it by now! Anyway, I don't really care about it. I am 100% sure that I can find girls who are much better than her. Truly, I don't feel bad!
I think Kevin has realized that we reply posts here. I see a lot of posts that are fresh and not replied!
I'm glad that you are here! Thanks a lot!
Hi Kevin
I've already sent a comment, but couldn't find a reply so I will leave one again.
(I'm italian, so if there are any mistakes I apologize ).
I'm 22 like my ex who decided after 4 years to break up. It's been two weeks now and I'm still very desperate about it. The break up wasn't bad,I mean we didn't argue at all,I was crying really bad and he had tears in his eyes (I never see him like this except one time when he was talking about his father who died some months before he met me).
I know that he never cheated at all because he is really not that kind of person, not problem from that point.
The reason of the break up ,as he said, was that he really cares about me but he didn't feel the same as before right now,that he wasn't happy and if he wasn't happy he couldn't make me happy. I admit that we had problems recently, we were really stressed between work and college but nothing too alarming ...at least form my point of view,I guess I just didn't see it coming...it was a shock.
I still have deep feelings for him, but I'm afraid he thinks that I've become too needy and he wants me to not live like he is the centre of the univers.
The problem is that we have all our friends in common and we used to hang out on friday night together and few times during the working days,recently we rarely spent time alone like a couple and that was what I asked him for.
So we argue one night because we haven't had sex in like almost a month ( he was always too tired after work,and he works on saturdays night too) and that's when everything went downhill ...after one week he broke up with me.
I've read the blog and I must say I'm more confident about the winning him back but there are something that make me anxious:
-he is very stubborn
-he doesn't talk about his feeling much
-he was never the type to stay on facebook too much so I don't rely on that
I'm afraid that even if he'll think about a rejoin with me,he might hesitate...I don't know I'm really scared and confused. (After the break up I didn't sent tons of desperate message or calls, he didn't block me or changed his number).
I decided to start the no contact three days ago because we met at a party for the birthday of our friend ( we actually talked of general things that we both like and we laughed and all...the evening was pleasant ).
The friday after I asked if we could still hang out ,not alone,but with everyone, but he actually called me saying that we should wait more for that.
I don't know what else to say if you need more info just let me know...I just need to know if there is hope for me,I really think we could build a new kind of relationship if we could just talk about it because we dated when we were 17/18 and we are different now...I just...I don't know I really want this to work...Can you help me ? what do you think about what I told you?
thanks for listening,
Giulia
Hi
I just started reading your article and I'm starting to follow your advice. Currently I'm one week-in theNo Contact. I fear something though. My ex and I broke up little less then a Month ago. I broke up with her because she basically drove me to that point I could see she wasn't interested in our relathionship anymore and she told me this in person too. I wasn't completely over her and I suggested we give it sometime and change something's to see if things work out. This lasted about a week I saw that she put no effort and that's when I broke up with her. She seemed fine with it. I was angry and told her off before I left. Three days later I contacted her just to tell her that I didn't mean those things and I wanted to end on good terms ( this is what I fear I shouldn't have done). She agreed to meet me. We talked and things went to well, maybe a little to well that we ended the day by hooking up. I could she she was getting some feelings for me again but she was fighting them. That night after the hook up, we agreed to stay broken up. I never asked her to take me back though but I did tell her I wasn't completely over her. Becuase of this incident, we later tried to make things work out two more times as friends who are talking. Once her idea and once mine. Things didn't and well and she ended up going back to that same uninterested person she was after we broke up. The last things she told me was that she was tired of making things work out between us, that she didn't want a relationship NOW but maybe in the long run and needs her space, that she had grown tired of me, and that she still cared about me but didn't have the same feelings. She just wanted to be single. Although I didn't like the idea, I agreed to go away and giver her the space she needs. All this happened in about 3 1/2 weeks. During this time I always tried to make her realize that we maybe doing a big mistake and we should continue trying, but never did I beg her on my hands and knees to take me back. I fear i messed up my chances with her becuase I didn't follow the no contact rule right after the break up and now I may loose her. I have also found out that there's also another, guy who she has some history with, that is trying to win her over and from the looks of it she seems a little interested. The last time I saw her I asked her if she is was talking to anyone, she said " No, I just have friends". So these are the two things bothering me right now. You said not to tell your ex that your doing the no contact rule on her and I in a way told her I was. Secondly, there is another guy in the picture. What are my chances of getting her back? I know I still want her back. What should I do?
Hello,so now i’m in a trip abroad.My ex has contacted me the day before i left to tell me to have a nice trip.When we met some days before i left,he told me that he wants to be with me,we kissed but i told him i needed some more time,and see him make an effort.He did call me twice and asked me if i could go outside my house at 3 am to see me,but i told him i can't because i was afraid if my dad saw me.(i'm 17).He was a littled bit dissapointed but he knows my position,we got in a little fight because he sais that i don't risk enough,but i told him this is just who i am.After that day he didn't seem to make an effort to chat me or call me.He wished me a nice trip and it's been 4 days with no contact.Then i took a photo with a soldier here where i'm in holidays and put it as a profile on fb.I chatted him but he was responding really kind of pissed and short,so we ended the convo.After 2 days i removed my profile with the soldier and i contacted him again,he told me his news and asked for mine,but he had to go so he said we would talk later.I won't contact him again if he doesn't contact me.
Here's our last facebook chat,tell me what you think:
-(ME):Although it doesn't seem like you miss me,hey
-:Hey RD :)
-How are youu?
-I'm fine..i'm home..what about you?
-I just came to the hotel.You should be proud of all the walking i do everyday here :P
-Iam,I am! :)
-I went to see my future university,i loved it so much! (btw my ex is 19)
-I'm so happy that you liked it
-Tell me your news
(he told me his news)
-I was ready to leave before you chatted me
-Oh okay,chat me when you can
-Yes,one other time,tell me your news!
-Didn't you tell me that you were ready to leave?
-Oh yes,then we will talk one other time
-I chatted you because we don't talk much now that i'm here
-It's okay,i will log in facebook later too
-Okay,chat me when you can
And then we said bye..... i think that he wanted to play it relaxed,why else would he ask for my news if he was ready to leave? I think that he made that up.Also he is always adding new girls on fb and liking their pictures (it makes me jealous but i don't want to say anything because he isn't my bf yet and i don't want him to know that he has the power to make me jealous.he also goes clubbing twice a week and takes photos with his brother and his gf and her friends who are 3-4 years older than him).So PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION AND WHAT I SHOULD DO.ASAP!
Hi RD,
I think it's good that you remain your cool and try not to show signs of jealousy because you aren't with him yet. But in the long run if you keep thinking about what he is doing or finding out what he is up to, it will hurt you. One way to improve your situation is to find somethng you enjoy doing so the next time you meet him, you will feel like you have news to tell him, instead of wondering why he asked that question. Find a hobby you like to do that you enjoy with your friends, create a happy atmosphere around you and I assure you all will go smoothly.
Thank you Edward...do you think of this convo that he is interested in me?
Maybe, but try not to start conversations like that, it makes you sound needy. Try to start with something fun you guys did together or suggest something. When you are happy, you won't be thinking about whether he's interested or not though so try to work on that.
He said he wanted to talk later,but we have been online fb both at the same time and he hasn't chatted me. Did he just return back to me to see if he has power over me? ( i didn't tell him i want to be with him,i told him i need time to think and see an effort from his side,but i don't see him making any effort) I want us to meet when i return to my Country but i don't want to be the one who initiates contact with him for 3rd time! I think i won't talk to him until he reaches contact,and if he doesn't,i will move on,for second time.What do you think? Why would he tell me that he wants to be back with me and that he wants me etc and then not initiating contact?Tell me what to do,please!
Hello,so now i'm in a trip abroad.My ex has contacted me the day before i left to tell me to have a nice trip.W
Hi,
I am living with my (ex) fiancee for about 1.5 year in the Philippines. We were busy planing our wedding for this comming February.
Last week he didn't came home after a night out with friends. The next day he told me he was staying at his friends house.
But he got a text messages from a girl telling him that she had fun with him.
I asked him who she was and he told me he reallsy didn't knew her.
I didn't believed him because if you don't know her than why is she texting you? So I contacted her.
She told me they had sex.
I asked him to be honest to me about what happend and he told me that he does not know her and that she is lying.
I booked my ticket back home, and my flight is in 10 days.
I actually dont know why I booked it it was a desicion I made without thinking.
I ignored him last week for a out 3 days.
After 3 days he told me that he realized that he still wants to be with me and begged me to stay.
So I did.. really stupid because now that I gave in he doesn't seem to care any more..
What can I do so he will still change his mind and let me stay.
I only have 10 days. And I know once I am gone there is no way back.
I also know that we will both regret.
We had a really strong relationship! We grew up together. We know eachother since were baby's.
I tells me everyday that he still loves me.. but that he does not want to hurt me. That I dont deserve this.
I know that what he did was wrong.
But I love him sooo much! I love my life here in the Philippines.
A ticket will cost you 1500 dollar. And we both cant afford it to pay my ticket back here.
Is there anything I can do in these 10 days?
Thanks :)
Have a heart to heart with him and tell him you are willing to work on the relationship if he's willing to do so. Tell him you both will need to work on the trust that he has broken and if he doesn't want to put in the effort, you will leave and that will be the end of the relationship. If his attitude is still the same, leave. If he doesn't show any remorse or an effort to work things out, your marriage will probably involve him cheating on you numerous times and you forgiving him every time just because you are afraid to leave.
Yesterday we would be together for 3.5 years. He hugged me and told me he still loves me.
I told him that I am willing to work on our relationship and to work on trust. I asked him if he was willing too.
He told me that he still wants to try.
He was really sweet the whole evening. But then I asked him to just be honest and tell me the truth about what happened with the girl. He got really angry at me. And our whole night was ruined.
He told me to go back. That he does not want to work things out.
I know he only said that because he was angry.
Do you maybe have any tips or tricks I could use to save our relationship?
Because I cant use the no contact rule since we still live together.
Hey Naomi,
OK, I am not an expert on making things work after infidelity. So, I really can't give you any advice on how to go about it. However, there are a lot of resources online that you can use. One of them is "marriage builders". Google it. Another one is a forum called talkaboutmarriage. Going to couples counseling will be the best option.
Hi All,
what if your trying to do no contact and he keeps messaging and calling you? but he broke up with you to be with someone else?
Tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup.
i already told him that and he stopped for a few days and then he started messaging again i'm just confused as to what he actually wants he broke up with me for another girl yet hes constantly calling and messaging me should i just keep talking to him or cut him off completely?
Hi maree,
Let him play his mind games, I feel like he just wants your attention. If he really wants to be with you, he will leave her and come talk to you. You should do NC for 30 days and see if he is really the guy you want to be with. It's best that you ignore him for now so both of you can find out what you guys want.
thankyou that helps alot the girl he wants to be with has actually sent me fb messages saying shes not interested in him at all and saying all this bad stuff about him would it be too nasty to show him?
Let them deal with their problems, you shouldn't do anything that will make you seem insecure. Use this time for yourself, don't worry about him.
After we broke up, I did almost a month of no contact, then we resumed contact as friends (though I secretly hoped we might get back together) and even met up once, but I got fed up with being the one to initiate communication most of the time, etc... so I told him about 1.5 weeks ago that I cannot be friends with him right now because I still have feelings for him. I made it sound like we might never communicate again, though I did mean it because I wasn't sure if I was just going to try to move on for good or not. Well, right now, really miss him in my life (even as a friend). I figure I will contact him again in the future, but I want to get over him first. Being "friends" with him was preventing me from moving on and I didn't like that I would check up on his social media sites, make assumptions about him not wanting to talk to me based on my own perceptions of things (which sometimes turned out to be wrong), etc... so I decided to cut contact so I could heal. How long do you think I should maintain NC for? He broke up with me 3 months ago now.
p.s. Also, when resuming contact, I guess I should just send him a text using the method above again?
Ruth, I don't understand the purpose behind you telling him you can't be 'friends' unless you really want to move on. Otherwise, why cut a friendship that was going to be a 'false friendship' anyway? And now you want to do the whole process again to reach a point back to where you're at now. You did NC and everything was working out it seems because he did meet up with you face to face and yet you're the one who told him you can't anymore. Now you want to do NC again and do the same process again of texting then meeting up which what you had with him. I think you need NC for yourself, and during this time ask yourself this question: 'What do I want out of life?' If he's in the picture then try again and don't ruin the false friendship with him but if you could see your life without him in it then move on.
Because "false friendship" hurts and can keep you glued to the same painful heartache-y spot, rather than move forward for real. I am doing my regular life things including hanging out with friends, doing my sports activities, working out, etc. so on the surface, it looks like I am doing very well. Generally, I am.. but I got tired of missing him so much, and tired of having those backwards steps when I would check his social media sites and make assumptions and make myself upset, or when I would get upset about how he rarely initiates contact even though we were trying to be "friends". I decided for my peace of mind, I cannot be friends when I feel this way, and when I am not content with the kind of friendship he is offering me. I want to move on and not feel so attached to the outcome of either getting back together or an intimate friendship my way. I feel like only then can I resume contact with him again and not make myself crazy and upset. I would see how it goes, and determine at that time whether getting back together is an option at all (or if I even want to by that point).
Just wondering also what Kevin thinks? (the problem when we all reply to each other - even though very kind and also helpful - I notice that Kevin skips over these messages that others have already replied to)
Sorry Ruth for interfering oops! But I find that he skips comments as he has with my previous comments too unless you write "Dear Kevin" Try that and see cos that works ;)
Also, if you find yourself checking his social media eg facebook, don't block him or unfriend him cos that would be weird since you're friends in real life but put him as an acquaintance or 'restricted' and this way you won't see his statuses as much but maintain your frienship with him. Anyway, that's just my opinion. But I suggest you address your post to Kevin by writing 'Dear Kevin'. Good luck :)
Haha. Don't give the secret away. On a serious note, I'll have to skip a lot of comments if I want to get a forum started here. I wish I could answer them all. But I am just one tiny man with only two hands. :(
Hi Ruth,
I was in your position not too long ago. My ex didn't initiate enough, I felt that we couldn't be friends because of the feelings I had for her. She started to drift away, then I've decided to write it in the letter and gave it to her.
If you miss him too much like I did for my ex, give him a call to see how everything is. It's great to hear from each other once in a while. Just tell him that you miss hanging out with him or things you two did before. He will miss it and hopefully open up more to you. If you do this, you must be happy and still miss him. Sometimes love cannot be tied up, you will just have to release it.
Hey Ruth,
You are right, I do skip over these messages. But I caught yours somehow. That's why I am working on a forum. But the technical side of installing a forum on a blog is not as easy as I expected. And with so many comments to moderate and answer, it gets even harder.
But I digress. You are right about "false friendship". It does stop you from moving on with your life. In fact, I recommend against being friends with your ex if your intention is to get over the breakup and move on with your life. Getting back together is much harder because you need to find the fine line between moving on with your life, and being in touch with your ex.
And you definitely did the right thing by choosing your peace of mind over him. It's a hard decision and many people seem to choose their ex over their peace of mind.
Ruth,
I understand what you did. You did it for your own good and what you did was a strong move. I believe you decided to move on at some point.
Just like the previous NC. You will miss him in first few days but those feelings will sooth as time goes on. Keep strong and follow the plan.
After 30 days, you can catch him up and say that you have no feelings for him anymore and that you still find you can be friends now. I truly don't see anything bad in it. After all, its hard to believe if someone has really moved on in 30 days, but in 60/90 days he will really sense the fear of losing you for good!
Good luck!
Hi Kevin I left a long story before this but I'm not sure if it went through or when I can get your opinion. Than you!
Pat,
The comment was too long. Please post a shorter version of it here.
Kevin, I bought your system and normally when I end a relationship or other person ends it than that's it I just move on even if it hurts. I admit that most of my ex boyfriends have come back, but I've moved on. But with this man I feel like we didn't end I know my feelings for him were way beyond what I thought I could feel for someone. I know that I have no problems in meeting men. But I felt like him and I had a connection like no other. I felt an emotional, physical and spiritual connection which I had never felt the spiritual part. He told me only once he loved me and it was not in the beginning or in the heat of the moment, but I really felt he did. I know he did because of the type of man he is he would never say something like that if he didn't mean it. He is older than I am. We are different but I admired him, and I know he admired who I was. When we were together I felt his commitment to me. Something very personal happened between us in May and he said to me you need to tell your sister because you are not like me that can just put things in a box. He's been back from tour only about 2 months and a half. I'm just very perplexed, I felt we were good together but something happened while he was gone, and he was different. I know these rumors would not have been an issue if he was behaving the same with me.
Hi Kevin I sent a shorter version, as much as I could because I felt that it's the only way to get an idea of what's going on. It's not showing up so I'm not sure if you received it. I hope you did because I really need your advice. It's getting hard not to try to text him, but I'm not doing it. I would feel awful if he doesn't respond . I'm not a woman who would beg. Which is why I wrote my previous comment so you can get an idea of how I am.
Hi Kevin, I'm sorry to bother I just feel like I'm going out of my mind imagining him with this woman who caused the rumors since I saw him at club with her on Saturday. He didn't dance with her and at least while I was there he ignored her most of time except when she talked with him. I bought the system and I've gone on no contact since a week ago, but it's getting hard. My mind wonders and I would really like your opinion. Don't know if I should hold on to hope. Him and I barely said hello. He seemed to be avoiding me and I just danced and talked with my sister and friends. Tried to smile all the time meanwhile I was dying inside and wanted to yell at him and ask him if he left me to be with this woman. Even though deep down I don't think that's the case. So please when you can can you please give me your opinion on my long story. Than you!
My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. I was not expecting it even though I felt him distant. We are in our 40′s divorced. He went away for two months on an extended tour not a soldier but he’s up there. His job is private. I had no contact from him, but I waited for him. When he got back he seemed distant and on several occasions I tried talking with him, he said it always takes him a while to acclimate back when he’s been gone. Before he left things were great we were spending every minute we could together. There’s a place we go to have fun we were always together and people saw us as a couple. There’s a woman there who I knew liked him but he always said he had never been with her and they were just friends. People at club started gossiping that he was seen there with another woman while I wasn’t there. That same night the other woman who liked him was there she had been spreading rumors about them and I told her he had always said they were just friends she said that he had told her I was delusional for saying he is my boyfriend. When I was walking to the bathroom I saw her text my boyfriend and he was responding so I texted him and asked him if he said I was delusional he said he had never said that but than I asked why he was texting with that woman. He turned off his phone and stop communicating.
I tried to call and I texted him the next day he replied and said he was busy working and he would talk with me when he got a chance. I waited didn’t hear from him. So I sent him several texts and said please let me know when we can talk, he said that he would talk to me when he got back to our state but not sooner. He never called so I texted him and I said I don’t want an explanation I just want to know if you want to work on our relationship or do you want to be with these woman who will settle for just the crumbs you throw at them. He replied a few hours later and broke up with me on text. He said he had no explanation because he did nothing wrong and that he didn’t want to be involved with me because of the drama even if I didn’t cause it. That our relationship had run it’s course. He told me not to contact him and if I saw him at club to just say hi. Well we texted back and forth I didn’t beg him not to leave but I wanted an explanation and all he was doing was defending himself. As we texted throughout the day he also said he couldn't be with me because I made stupid decisions. Than at one point he emailed me and said the only reason he was breaking up with me was because he was going to be gone a lot for his job and did not want to deal with me. I couldn’t coexist with his job. I waited for him when he was gone and no contact, so it was not about his job. He knew I'd wait for him. He also told me he wasn’t communicating with the woman who started all the rumors, but I went to the place a week later and he went with his best friend and wife, then later this woman arrived and she would not leave his side. They danced I never saw him touch her or buy her a drink but he danced and talked with her. She was with him all night. His best friend and wife left he stayed behind. At one point I tried talking with him I held his hand and he held mine back but didn’t want to talk he said he had been transferred for his job and we small talked. Than later in night he was by bar and I tried to talk with him but he just kept saying go home. When I left the woman was waiting outside for him because as I drove away I saw him with her so I imagine they left together. I don’t understand this, I know that I pushed him for answers but I was trying to figure out why his behavior since he got back. He’s been back for a little over 2 months. He fits some of the signs of post traumatic stress disorder but it’s just me trying to analyze things. I know I bought into the drama but only because things were questionable. Haven't contacted him since that day. I said nothing about him going home with her even though my heart was breaking and was my assumption, he saw me see them when I drove by. Please give me some comments and tell me how I can try to handle this. Is there even a remote chance, I truly believe he will see what he lost someday.
Hey Pat,
I am sorry you feel the way you do. I think the best way to handle the situation is to do no contact for 1-2 months. You are right, you are over analyzing. It's completely normal after a breakup. I know you had a lot of hopes from this man and this relationship. But before you can get him back, you have to accept that all that might just be false hope and you might have been wrong about him.
Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he did choose to breakup. And that fact alone makes this relationship not as perfect as you thought it was.
I am not saying give up on him. In fact, you should try to get him back. But before doing that, you should do NC for 1-2 months and be absolutely sure that you want him back. If you do, then use the techniques in relationship rewind to contact him.
Thank you! I will try to be strong and not contact him. I know in my heart he will see what he lost because he has never met anyone like me. His best friend even said that he wished I had met my ex 20 years earlier because not only was I beautiful on the outside but I was a beautiful caring woman on the inside, and his friend deserved to be happy. My ex told me the last time before he left that he was so great full to have me in his life. I really fell truly in love with this man which is why I think it's hard for me to let go. We complemented each other in so many ways, yet we are so different. I know that what we lived together has to be hard for him to just let it go like this. And at club he avoids me but it's not because he doesn't want to see me I think it's because it's hard for him to see me. Not sure if it's because he broke up with me upset or because of something else. This woman if he truly wanted her he wouldn't ignore her when I'm there. It's just so hard not to feel closure because it came as a shock to me. It's true that something else was going on, maybe I scared him when he found out I was pregnant and then we lost the baby. That was what happened between us, when he said I should talk to my sister about it because I was not like him that could put things in a box. That night we even talked about what we would of named it and he smiled. Although he had been acting distant before that, so it's hard to tell unless he would say the truth, if he even understands why he broke up with me. It's almost like he just wants to pretend like I didn't exist. Before break up he also seemed frustrated at times with me when we talked just little things bothered him but when we saw each other he was so into me and we'd talk and had a great time no matter what we did. I will just see how things play out, ideally I wish he'd be the one to reach out to me, but I know he has some stubborn in him and he's also the type of man that makes a decision and I think it's hard for him to go back. My father told me that when a man really loves a woman he will do anything to try and be with that woman, so I also need to keep that in mind. I know you recommend going out on a date during NC but I'm not really sure how to do that. I just don't go out a lot and I'm not comfortable joining a dating site. Do you have any suggestions?
Hi, so we started talking after 50 days of my no contact. Yesterday she told me she missed me, we had some talk and I took a nap next day I had some important work I finished it and texted her but this time she was acting differently.
Can you tell me how can I keep her attracted to me by means of phone ? I have a lot of time before I meet her.
hey,
its cool.don't initiate contact again until she contacts you.its normal if she goes hot and cold.if she is warm,you be warm.if she is cold,you be cold.don't say anything about getting back or the breakup or any negative memory.just be cool.don't initiate the conversation all the times.let her chase you some times.keep the conversation short and sweet.use the text msg versions to bring up the good memories .show her that you are busy,happy , you care about your life and goals,and you are having a good time even without her and also show your support and let her know that you care about her goals.don't be romantic and don't talk about your true feelings for her.act like friends for now.the more you try to be friends with her,the more she will want you as her boyfriend later.
Thank you guys for replying so fast.
I have one more thing in mind, during our breakup one day we were having a talk and I asked her if she wanted these gifts for a festival, she said ya I want and I want these ones too. That was just cute toys for children. :p
But she refused to meet me after that. Its been like 3-4 months since.
Should I whatsapp her a picture of those toys , would it be okay to do so if I do in a light manner ?
Hi Anon,
Before you text her, reread your text and see if it sounds happen when you read it. If it is, then most likely she'll be responding it and keeping the conversation going. Don't text her everyday either and don't mention anything about getting back together. Save that for when you do meet her face to face.
Sounds happy*
It's tough. The best you can do is keep your texts interesting. Don't send any "empty texts" as described above.
Hi Kevin, she usually replies with hmm and ok now. Yesterday she was very warm.
Should I initiate contacts ? Also during our breakup we were almost together for few days and I has bought a gift for her which she had asked for but didn't tell her and I haven't met her yet. Can I send her a picture of it ?
Anon,
I don't know about you but I like my gifts physically rather than virtually. I would hold that gift until you two meet, it brings more chemistry. Keep your surprise a surprise. If she is warm, send her back warm signals, it's good to hear this (:
Dear Kevin and Community,
Just been reading everybodys situations and was hoping for some advice my ex bf broke up with me 6 weeks ago he stopped talking to me for a week then just text me saying that he just wanted to be single then he didnt speak to me for two weeks i did all the things that i shouldnt have done with texting and ringing and crying then two weeks later he text me telling me that he never loved me and he only started a relationship with me because he felt sorry for me but we were together for 6mths so im a little confused on how you can stay with someone that long and not have feelings for them which i know he had feelings for me i felt it everytime we were together and when i had to leave he got sad but in this time he had stopped speaking to me he had grown close to his neighbour and i know her quite well as she is family they had already kissed and he told me he wants to be with her but she had messaged me on facebook telling me that the kiss was a huge mistake and she was sorry and that she isnt interested in him at all he came and seen me for the day and told me as he was leaving that he loved me and that i will always have his heart which confused me so much and he tried to kiss me and i pulled away and he left so i started the no contact and he has been texting non stop and i have not answered any messages or phone calls then he text me saying fine dont talk to me then im deleting your number and you out of my life forever and i didnt hear from him for a week and he starts texting and calling again i kept ignoring i met up with him and spent a couple of hours with him and he was saying to me that he still really liked his neighbour and he wanted to be with her it hurt my heart but i stayed strong and just listened and when i dropped him off he kept texting me all the time like he did when we were together i just need some advice on what i should do?
Dear Kevin,
My ex and I have been on talking terms and been calling each other etc... We spoke on the phone last night for like 3 hours but the conversation from his side sounded weird and wrong that I was hurt by his comments. He said that 'introducing me to everyone as his partner was a mistake cos it was rushed'; and that he introduced me to his family and close friends as his fiancee was also a mistake cos it was rushed; and that IF IF we get back together again he wants to take things very very slowly cos he's not in the right place in life financially to be in a relationship and that he's working towards securing himself before a serious relationship. He's flying in to visit me in the next few weeks for a couple of days to 'see whether we can give 'us' another go but there are issues we need to sort out and discuss and see if we're on the same page'... But he doesn't want to meet my family or friends he just wants to see 'me'. What does he mean by all that? I'm afraid that he just wants intimacy from me and that would really hurt me bad if he's thinking that way. What do you think I should say to him to tell him that I want a committed relationship and one that will last forever, like both his sisters are married and in a healthy relationship, and that's what I would want from him and nothing less. I thought when he took me to his family's home before the break up he was committing and now I don't know what his intentions are anymore. Please advice me on what to do and what to say... I'm confused and I don't ever ever want to be in a relationship with no commitment, he should know that and I know he does. So what are his intentions? Thanks kevin
I forgot to say that he said he has 'trust' issues with me, I don't know what he meant by that, it really upsets me. It was like he was fetching for reasons to blame me cos I've done NOTHING wrong and he doesn't want to say that it was just circumstancial which it was. Also, he's flying here and wants me to organise his accommodation cos he doesn't know the city well he said, and though he said I'll pay for it I feel cos he's done so much to help me in the past I should organise his two night stay, no biggie? Should I call him and ask him all these questions up front? I'm disappointed in him :(
If he wants to pay for it, let him do it. I don't think paying for him is going to give you any extra points. And as you mentioned before, he is a little insecure about his financial position right now, so you paying for him might rub off the wrong way.
Hey Rihanna,
Perhaps he just needs support and maybe he truly wants to discuss things and see if he can be with you. Of course, there's a chance he might just want to use you. And you have to be strong on that front. Do not sleep with him unless he commits. Kissing and making out is OK. But don't take things further unless you both are in a committed relationship. And most of all, don't pressure him into anything. It's good to know what you want and be clear about what you expect and in which areas you have room for compromise. You will do good Rihanna. I can't say for sure what his intentions are. But I am pretty sure whatever they are, you are going to handle it like a strong, confident and amazing woman that you are. All the best.
Thank you Kevin :)
I'm wondering if anyone can help me help. My girlfriend and I broke up like 3 months ago. Yes I'm a lesbian was in that relationship for almost 2yrs. I love my ex very much. We hit some rocky times because I was going through a very emotional time learning that I have a mental illness and a few other medical things. My ex was there for every appt even if she waited in car for me. A few things started to slip I guess like how special I could make her feel like buying her flowers etc. I got lost for a bit. Well she ended up going out with friends one night and kissed another girl who is married to a man at the time. I only found out by reading a facebook message from the other woman that she couldn't wait to kiss her again. I confronted my girl we spent a couple days apart and tired working things out but than she decided to break up with me. But still wanted to be friends and work on that. She told me that maybe down the line we could try again after we got passed the point in me wanting her like a girlfriend. Well now we aren't even taking. We had cell phones together and she asked for mine back it's in her name but the service had been cancelled. She said we had a business relationship which was about bills and our friendship. I didn't respond to her asking for the phone back for a couple days and got a message saying I guess or friendship isn't working I'm doing what's best for me and said she no longer wants to talk to me. But I also know that she is already dating or sleeping with the girl she kissed before we broke up.
I want her back what do I do?
Hey Alisa,
Follow the plan.
My ex cut me off at the end of June saying she couldnt be friends anymore. She had to do what was best for her. I told her I just hoped one day she could just forgive and move on and be able to be friends later on.
Well I haven't had any contact since 4 th of July when I wished her a happy 4th.
Well just last night on a Friday night a lil after midnight she sent me a message on facebook which we aren't even friends anymore. she hopes I'm doing ok and that I'm being true and healthy. Do I respond? I don't open the message so it's showing I haven't read it yet but I can see it on my phone without opening it .. plus do I open it or wait.
I'm 43 and she's 36. I talk to get family
My ex cut me off at the end of June saying she couldnt be friends anymore. She had to do what was best for her. I told her I just hoped one day she could just forgive and move on and be able to be friends later on.
Well I haven't had any contact since 4 th of July when I wished her a happy 4th.
Well just last night on a Friday night a lil after midnight she sent me a message on facebook which we aren't even friends anymore. she hopes I'm doing ok and that I'm being true and healthy. Do I respond? I don't open the message so it's showing I haven't read it yet but I can see it on my phone without opening it .. plus do I open it or wait.
I'm 43 and she's 36. I talk to her family and they don't like the girl she with and they say she is confused cause they had never seen her as happy as when she was with me.
Kevin:
Thanks for all your help so far! It's been great; without you (and the support network that has been going on in your absence) I would have made some fatal mistakes involving my potential relationship with my ex. So lately I've been trying to get over her because I feel that she is trying to forget about me based on what she has told me and how she has acted in the very few times I have interacted with her since the breakup nearly 3 months ago. I still think we are best for each other, but I think that it won't do any good for me to feel anything for her if she won't feel anything for me.
Still, I want to have her back, but only if I can convince her to have an open mind about me. I think she's too stubborn about it though. She said she thought about it long and hard. And she's really smart so she always trusts her decisions a lot.
So anyway since she asked for more space, I'm willing to give it to her. I still have her on my mind all the time even though I'm looking for other girls to date. But I'm worried that when she says "move on" she means that she gets a new boyfriend. I don't want to wait until she gets a new boyfriend to talk to her. And I'm afraid that by then, she'll be MOVED ON, permanently. Basically, I feel like she means that she doesn't want to talk to me until she has permanently moved on and won't ever have a chance to love me again.
Do you know what this means? What should I do? Just wait until she contacts me? Should I take the chances that she hasn't actually permanently moved on? Or should I talk to her in like a month or two if she hasn't contacted me yet?
Hey David,
If she is determined to move on, then let her move on. There's nothing you can do to stop her. Once she has completely moved on, and she contacts you, you can try meeting her and see if there is a chance to start a new relationship with her. Also, I think if you want to get over her, you should completely give up the idea of getting her back. If you always have hope at the back of your mind, then you will never be able to fully get over her.
Hello,
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, she's 22, I'm 23. She has been in Austria on a school exchange since February. Things were good until about a month ago; We would talk on Skype frequently, etc.
A month ago we talked and she brought up that she wants to travel and possibly live in another country, however it would mean the end of our relationship. I responded supportively in achieving her goals, and she was emotionally happy and was still very loving in her interactions with me.
However the next couple of conversations following, I noticed she started to distance herself by not saying the "I love yous" and calling me the amicable names she used to. So the next time we talked via Skype she gently reminded me about that conversation we had. This time I don't act so coolly and tried to convince her I could quit my job and move with her. She did not respond very well to this at all, and looking back I realize I probably looked very desperate and needy.
Since then we have only talked once face-to-face, and I had couldn't talk to her about anything relationship related. It was a good conversation where we laughed and joked, but I felt I couldn't say what I felt emotionally. At the end I asked if she would come visit me when she came back (We live about 3 hours apart), and she said she didn't want to. This ended the conversation on a bad note and I feel that since then she has only become more distant.
At this point, I haven't had any contact with her for about a week, and only sparse Facebook messages the week prior. She comes back from her exchange in 3 days. I don't know if I should see her as soon as I can, or give her a couple weeks to resettle in at home. I feel like she is in this travel "high" right now where she is having a great time travelling and being with her exchange friends. I feel like we've broken up already, and if not that's where the conversation is going to head the next time I see her. I've already had to purge all the memories from her from my place because it was just becoming too painful. I've also had trouble sleeping and can't stop thinking about her. I've tried picking up a few new hobbies here and exercising a bunch more, and it's helping me feel better to a limited degree.
How should I approach her return home?
hey AQ,
since its been less than a month after your breakup,i think NC will help alot.
you acted kinda needy and its ok. if you go on NC, she will forget about that and since it was a really long term relationship she actually begins to miss you.you don't have to break NC atleast for a month.you should work on yourself to become a confident happy person again.i know it sounds kinda hard but you can do it.she doesn't have to feel any sadness or neediness in you.give her some time and space and also give yourself some time to heal from the breakup.don't worry about losing the chance to meet her when she is back.if you act the right way,you will meet her again soon.if you meet her this time,there are chances that you start to talk about the breakup and getting back together and i think its normal cuz you can't handle your emotions now.so that would only make the situation harder.avoid any negative thoughts for now.nothing terrible is happening before you finish NC.and she will not forget about you or fall for someone else.try to have a good time and follow the plan.you do have a chance. i hope i'm suggesting the right thing. wait for kevin's respond to make sure what you should do.
Good luck
and also sign up to kevin's email series.that will help you alot especially when you are on NC.
Hey AQ,
I am sorry about what you are going through. However, like you said, she is going through a travel high. It's a stage in her life where she wants to explore the world, or perhaps explore her options and herself. If you try to get her back, she is only going to resent you for trying to stop her. So, I guess your best move will be to let her go.
I forgot to say that she told me after we finished she decided to take a break from dating and she didn't have time for anyone right now. I also wonder if it is possible that I was actually a rebound for her last relationship.
I've spent a lot of today reading through some peoples posts and its amazing to see the people in similar situations and how some of the things they say strike such a chord in me. I hope you all find the peace (whether that means success or not) you are looking for and I hope to be strong enough soon to start offering my own advice.
hey pete,
i think you can understand if you were on a rebound or not by answering these questions that how she really felt after she broke up with her ex? and if that 3 and a half moths were enough for her to heal from the breakup ?and how strong your bonding were?
she said she was already done with her ex even before the breakup.i have been there before and when i broke up with that guy i started a new good relationship.if that's the case,there is good chance you weren't on rebound.
to be honest,being friends with you ex is not that bad.its just a word that you use to get closer to her so you can meet her without looking needy and then you can reattract her.
step back for a little while and don't initiate any contact,wait for her to contact you.then be cool and act like friends.tell her something good about your life.i mean show her a positive change like about your job or something she knows you always wanted to do.be all happy,confident and positive. meet her again and tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you are ok with being just friends.show her that you are busy and you are having a great life without her.
she said she always thinks with her head and won't let her heart rule her at all.
to be honest , there is nothing logical about the breakups and relationships. atleast most of the times. its all about attraction. all of us are here and all of our exes kinda lost attraction for us due to whatever reason.so don't think about the logical reasons she is bringing.i'm kinda facing the same situation.but the good news is that if you attracted a person once,there is a good chance that you can attract the person again.
you should get close to her without letting her know that you want to get back together.she doesn't have to feel any pressure at all.you should remind her of the good memories you two had before.she should feel a positive change in you.and don't worry about being friends.its actually called the falsefriendship. once intimacy has happened it can't be undone.when you meet her and create the good times like you had before,her mind joins it to the time that you were in bliss unconsciously and it will feel like that. and you don't have to be worried about friendzone untill she starts to talk about her feelings for someone else with you.
hope it would help a little.
Good luck
Hi a.z.,
Thank you for your words, however I've been doing some thinking and she simply isn't your typical girl. She has a this risk assesment thing she uses and she wont take a risk unless she feels the benefits are more, when I say she is emotionally distant I really mean it. She is trained to be because of her job and she brings this into her personal life as well. She keeps people at an arms length and despite the fact that she has told me repeatedly that we have a connection, I fear this simply is not enough, she is also extremely stubborn. I did say to her that she has to get in contact with me if she wants to and tho I think she may want to I just don't think she will want it enough. I am feeling the hope slip away from me and fear I may have to face up to never hearing from her again..........despite our last meeting being pleasant, even if I do I'm not sure I have anymore fight left in me.
I forgot to post age. I am 30 and she is 35
Hi Kevin,
To keep it short and simple. Me and ex dated 2 years (work together as well) Broke up, but still hung out for continuos 6 months and still did the dating thing. I've read the articles, I know this was the drift part of out ratio ship. End of May and June I did the deadly mistakes. Begged, pleaded, you name it. Ended up on death doors.Found out she began dating another guy (also works same company). That day was the start of NC (even tho I didn't realize it). Didn't talk for about 15 days, then she begins to email me, which then turn into texts. We eventually began to hang out. We went to dinner one night and it went well, we talked about her current situation and how she it's going "really well". We continued to talk and began to share small kisses. That weekend we hung out 2 more times. And the last night it got a little more intimate. We continue to talk everyday, she continues to tell me she worries for me and that she is happy we can be friends. Even asked if one day we can be best friends. We have shared a kiss recently I know she has feelings for me and really believe this is a rebound for her, but she has told me that she wants to see where it goes with the new. My confidence level has definitely come back. She has yelled at me because I wasn't this guy during our relationship. She talks about doing things together I the future, but again not sure how to actually get that attraction fully back where she can initiate the move.
should I move back to LC or NC? Or continue the role i play?
Thanks
DF
You have a good thing going. Continue it. Let it be her idea to get back together.
Hi everyone.
First of all I'd like to say what an incredible site this is. I've never contributed to anything like this before, but have just gone through a break up and having read so many of the experiences people are going through really inspired me to write something.
The relationship that's just ended for me started about 9 months ago. We both completely fell in love with each other and were pretty much inseparable for the first three months. The compatibility and chemistry between us was incredible; I've been in lots of relationships before, but this really was something else. I'd never felt so close to someone before or allowed my emotions go so easily. It wasn't long before we were talking about marriage and I was booking the registry office.
One morning into our third month together I was called into work unexpectedly, leaving her in the flat to do some work she got to finish. About three hours later she was on the phone crying saying that she'd done a terrible thing. I'd given her the pass word to my laptop and she'd found the diary I'd been keeping. This broke us up for two months, but after continuously talking and texting we finally got back together. All seemed normal and back to how it was for a while until things started to change in her life. She moved house, got a new job, finished the studying she'd been doing and started socializing a lot more than she had. And during this time she was spending less and less time with me. Texts and calls became less frequent and less emotional, focusing more on the day to day stuff than our relationship, and I became more and more needy in response. She hinted on a number of occasions that she couldn't cope with everything going on in her life and our relationship all at once and we agreed that I'd give her space. I was, however, constantly there for her and supported her through so much. I found though that the less I contacted her the more she'd contact me, telling me that she couldn't live without me in her life and loved me so much. But all the time she was backing further and further away, one day telling me the she loved me and wanted to be with me, the next that she didn't know what she wanted. This went on for about two months and was incredibly unsettling for me emotionally, not know where I stood with her and spending days on end waiting for a text or call. I completely put my life on hold for her. Three days ago, I gave up entirely. I texted her to say that I couldn't do this anymore since she didn't seem in the slightest bit committed to a relationship with me, and told her that I was blocking her number. She now has no way of communicating with me. It's hell !!! I still desperately want her in my life and everything we had to begin with, but I couldn't bear her indecision any more. On the up side, I feel a certain relief knowing that I don't have to listen out for the text or call any more, and I'm focusing a lot more on my life now. Maybe once I feel in a more emotionally stable place I'll unblock her number and see if she contacts me, but for the time being I need to get my life back together.
Hi James,
Mmm, I hope I can help you with your emotions (: . Marriage is a commitment, it's something both of you have to agree on. Do you think she will want to be with a man who just disappears and blocks her for her indecisiveness? You've dated before and this one feels different, so why let her go? It's a good and positive change that she started socializing more, got a new job, moved out. I would be happy for her goals so why shouldn't you? I understand that you cant stand this uncertainty, but I think it would be better if you spend time with her while you can. Use the time to create more memories and moments together, be patient with her. If you push her away, she will go away, I've learned that the hard way. Be grateful for her presence, you won't always be lucky finding the special one for you.
Hey Guys,
I just wanted to give a big shout out to all of you over here who have been helping others by replying to their comments. Special thanks to Edward, a.z., Festival David, Rihanna and Dara(Sorry if I missed anyone). You guys are doing a great job of helping people going through breakups. And you guys have got me thinking that perhaps this comment section is not really the best place for discussions. And perhaps it's time I add a forum to this website where it'll be much easier for everyone to post their questions and get answers. Let me know what you guys think.
Hey Kevin,
Glad to see your back and thank you for the post :)
I like the idea of a forum, can keep your own story in your own thread etc
Yes, I think this is a good idea. It would be easier to follow someone's story, so they don't all have to post links to their old comments and such. Thank you all for the help in this, the most difficult time of my life
Thank you very much for the post kevin. thank you for changing our perspective on relationships and breakups.
and i think its already fine but the new idea would be great :)
Hi Kevin,
Thank you very much for your magical site and emails. My appreciations are beyond words! You save me from the misery I had in the first week of breakup!
I believe a forum is really required where we can hear each other, exchange ideas, provide comfort, solace etc. to each other apart from your comments. With my experience from real life friends and virtual friends who understood the depth of the pain, I have a suggestion regarding those who are probably suitable to comment on the potential forum. Make the (potential) forum restricted to those who have already passed your filter (or your modulations). In short, restrict it to those who have at least read your article and are serious enough to register for your daily emails. I truly don't see any points in random comments that we see in other site from those who are just passerby.
As David suggested above, the forum can be in such a way that each person can comment back on his/her previous comment/post but whenever they post something extra to their previous ones, their whole story come up on the top most of the page. Yet, their first post should be modulated by you Kevin.
Thanks again Kevin for your replies here!
Hi Kevin,
Welcome back YAY! and thank you for the post and everything else as well, it's helped all of us lots in dealing with our breakups and we've formed great friendships on your site too :) ... I think the forum is a great idea for discussions
Hi Kevin
Welcome back, Hope you had a good time off.
You have an awesome site and your advice is much appreciated. I really like the idea of setting up a proper forum for people to discuss and support one another. As mention it can get quite difficult following various conversations as the comments jump all over he place. People here give really good advice and it can sometimes get lost in the comments section
Keep up the great work
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for providing this wonderful site for us all to share our experiences. I think it's a great idea to have a community forum. Somethings to improve on might be the max amount of replies, the way people find their posts or if they might not see them because it's down the page. Other than that, that you for the emails you've sent me, thank you for your comments and thank you for being there when I needed help. Your advices has taught me wonders and now I'm more mature and confident, things are going well as far as my process of getting back with my ex. There's nothing wrong with breakup if it helps you grow stonger (:
I have been seeing this girl for 8 months. 1 month into our thing she left to live in a foreign country for 4 months. It was a dream before she left and while she was there. I went to visit her for 11 days while she was there. She returned in may and slowly began to pull away due to stress. She got a new job that required a lot of er time and would either be too sleepy to do much w me or grumpy. About a month after she returned we had a "breakup". I use quotes bc we never officially had titles. (She has commitment issues) and it seemed as tho she was more trying to convince herself that it was a good idea. So I have er space. She made a blog post talking about how good it felt to finally be listened to by a guy. It didn't last and things got back on track for a time. Eventually I was feeling her pulling away again and not prioritizing me on her few days off. Basically I was missing her and being needy. I apologized for lashing out once at this. She then stopped talking to me for about a week. Only to touch base when she got a new cell number. A few days later she apologized. Said she had been spending this entire time thinking about everything and just needed space. I gave her all the space she asked for and eventually she wanted to get together to talk. Well. This was a more real break up. We cried a bit. She told me she wasn't in love and wasn't ready for this now. Doesn't have the time. But also said that she does want something serious. So I take it she's quite confused. I told her that I was in love, she said she knew. And I said I think that it's ok for her to not be right now. Her life is still being out back in order. New job. Getting back in the country and all. Anyways. I'm incredibly sad about it. It has been me pulling the weight for most of her return. Which I was glad to do as she sorted things out. We've been talking on and off in the near week since we broke up. Which I've decided to stop doing after I saw her at a movie w another guy 3 days later. I freaked out. She informed me it was just a friend who also had a recent break up. That she did not leave me for someone else. I apologized. She wished me well on an upcoming weekend trip and haven't spoken to her since. I am fighting that urge. I am really overcome. Haven't been in love in 10 years and I really thought this was going somewhere despite her reservations about making it "official". We have a friends wedding to attend in a month. And have decided to still go together. Idk if this is a good idea but I do think it's better than my being there sad and lonely.
Anyways. That's it. I would love to give it a go. I wasn't ready to give up on her
Hi Shawn,
I think from what I've read that she still holds feelings for you but something else in her life is probably bothering her. Some of what you said hit home with me too, like how you haven't been in love for ten years and I'm exactly the same until I met my ex a year ago. I think (but I may be wrong) that going to the wedding together is a good idea. 1- you won't feel alone and sad there like you said. 2- it'll heighten your feelings for each other because it's a romantic scene without any effort from your end, which is great; and 3- you'll enjoy yourself and each other at least for the night. that's my opinion though. I hope it works out for you and you get back together. Good luck!
Hi Kevin,
First of all thanks for this website, I've been to many other sites but I love how realistic you are and your dedication to this. I almost always feel like you're talking directly to me and it's so soothing considering how lonely this period is.
I asked a question earlier but I think you were out of town hence no reply. Hopefully this goes through.
My ex is 35 and I'm 29 going on 30. I tried the no contact rule for about two, however it's hard to continue because we have a project we are working on together so it's almost impossible to ignore him. So I make sure not to contact him within the days we don't work together, which is sometimes about a week or less.
I think he may have noticed and would try to be extra nice to me.
Here's the thing though, I don't even know if I even want him back anymore! He try's to be extra nice whenever we work together but I sometimes feels it's because of what he can get from me. I am his boss, and with this project I can easily give him a position that will elivate his career. So it almost feels like he's only being nice because he wants to hold on to the favours and not to me.
Also I keep thinking back about how cruel he was to me during our break up and I don't think I want to be with a man who can be so verbally abusive when he's angry.
I did something's that led up to the problems in our relationship, and when I realised I apologized, and understood it would take time for things to get back to normal. But he would be extreemly cold, put me down in public and literally treat me like I wasn't important. In fact how he treated me was worse than the things I did.
How do I handle all of this, when I work so closely with him. We are about to enbark on a your for about a month and I really don't know how to handle this.
Help Kevin!
Hey,
Well, I think you are handling it pretty well. I hope it's not just you and him and you have other co-workers with you on the tour. Regardless, keep the conversation with him professional and if he tries to get close, tell him you don't think it's appropriate and you want to keep things professional between you two. Be firm. don't give in to his charm. And hold on to that thought of you not wanting him back anymore and the reasons why you don't want him back anymore. Unless you are absolutely sure you want him back, don't take things any further.
Hi Dara, Daniel, Raed, Festiva David and Everyone!
What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to come visit you and see IF, if we can start again but differently. However, I want to take things slowly and don't want to see your family or anything"... I want to know his intentions. Then, he said I'll do some effort and wear CK undies, I stopped him immediately and said NOOOO! I picked a date where I can get physical with him so that IF, if I'm weak around him human nature will stop me from making the ultimate mistake.
Anyway, I told him about I've been feeling bit low today so he called. The phone call was weird. He brought up issues we had and sorted out and said all these little things came to his mind when he broke it off. BIG BS! I corrected him and said the only reason we broke up was for circumstance reasons only. Then, he said some great things and was fun but the phone call went for THREE hours! I asked him questions and sorted some things out. But he's confused he seems even more than me. I don't know if it's right to see him in my city and not introduce him to my family cos he wants to take things slow? And he said pick a date where you're not on PM because you get emotional during that time of the month and I think that's BS and reassured him that we will NOT get physical cos there's no commitment and he's not my husband! yes, that's right I said 'I don't sleep with ppl who aren't my HUSBAND!' So, he's coming in a few weeks and I already bit my nails hahaha. But he (and I) we want to see if the attraction and love is still there then he said, I don't want to think with this 'new' relationship with you with my heart only like I did before, I want logic. Then, he seemed bit harsh about everything I did. I especially got confused when he said his family didn't see we had a connection on the dinner table. How do you have connection on the dinner table? And that we didn't look like a couple which is total crap! Please someone advice me how to act like as a 'couple' in front of people? Then he said, the list of positive things with us could go on forever but I want to iron the negativity out and that he also did wrong at times too. So, this trip in a couple of weeks will either get us back together or apart. And if together he wants to take things s-l-o-w-l-y and I'm not sure how my family will react to that. He said it was a mistake that he introduced me to his family so soon and we just jumped into a relationship that this time IF we went back together it'll be different. It didn't sound 'good' different! What do you guys think I should do when he comes? He's here to discuss serious matters so I'm thinking to be flirty and happy but when it comes to the 'Discussion' I don't want to cave in and agree with everything he says because of my feelings for him. BTW, he kept telling me about how much he loves me still and will always...etc... but now, I'm not sure that's enough! Please help... any advice?
Rihanna,
I think hes trying to get intimate with you without getting serious. Without commitment. I suggest keep your distance. Entertain him but maintain a safe distance.
Thank you Daniel. It really hurts me that he's thinking that way but not much surprised. While we were together he took me home to his family where I stayed a month before he broke up with me and introduced me to everyone as his fiancee. Yesterday on the phone he said that it was a mistake that all of that, what I would call 'a commitment' was a mistake cos we jumped into it, even after 8 months relationship.
He's flying to my home town in a few weeks to 'discuss' past issues, crap ones I think. I would like to know what his intentions are when he said "it might be the last time we see each other or we might give 'us' another try we'll see. But I want to take things very slowly and not involve any of our friends and families for a while'. Also, do you think it was a mistake that I've given him the impression on the phone that I have not moved on? He said he hasn't moved on either and that he thinks of my constantly but all his talk is confusing me, is this guy genuine or he wants to play games?
I think its alright that somehow you are not totally moved on. But im not sure if hes playing games with you. Its really hard to tell.
Thank you Daniel, I agree with Kevin you 'are' a Champ! :)
Kevin,
Okay ill admit it. Last week my ex texted me. The topic was not good. She said she heaed rumors that i am telling some people that she dumped me for someone else and that while we were still dating she was already entertaining this new guy and making her look like a bitch. I explained ofcourse because that isnt true but still i apologiZed because maybe the friends im opening up to told her that. Although i didnt mean any harm or said it in a bad way to them. I said i respect her and just kept quiet abt the break up and her having a new guy. I dont even know if they are already together or what. She posted pics of them on instagram but i dont follow her anymore so i didnt know. Only my stupid friends showed it to me so i got hurt a little. So i said that it was her who kept posting pics of them together. That all her followers knew that she just came from a long term telationship of 4yrs and now after a few mos she already has someone new and that i cant control other's opinions.
The funny thing is it ended good i think.
She said that she is not mad. She is slowly learning to let go of what people think about her. That she is tired of trying to please the people around her. She knew that she is being judged. And that its fine that there are a few people who really know the true story. And that she is not closing doors. She still beleives that someday we will still be friends. I think she has grown a lot this past 4mos.
So what do you think about this kevin? A future reconnection is possible?
I was implementing NC for almost 2mos now. But in between i texted her a goodbye msg and this conversation that we had. So atleast i eliminated mu needy side by now. Im actually focusing on moving on already. I guess she felt the same way as me that we have a good chemistry and we want to keep our bond atleast as frienda but we both agrees that its not time yet that we have to heal and move on first.
So is future reconnection possible? And im not sure if this guy is still rebound coz its been a long time since the break up but i can sense that she doesnt want to be alone but also dont want to fall back to me so maybe she entrtaines this new guy. what do you think of my overall situation kevin? Thanks.
It's definitely possible. And you are probably right about the guy as well. I think you are doing great and I am pretty sure that whatever happens in the future, you are going to handle it like a champ. :)
Hi, Kevin,
My girlfriend (K.) and I broke up a few days ago. We're both women, we're lesbians (both the feminine type), I'm 23, she's 25. Our relationship lasted about 2 months. We had both ended 2-year-long relationships /with women/ not long before we met. In fact I was still in a relationship when K. and I started flirting, but I ended it when I realized I wanted to be with her. So... everything was great! We were really compatible when it came to intimacy, sex, hugging, kissing, everything. We are compatible when it comes to characters, sense of humour, and things were really going great. She told me she was inlove with me. She told me I'd become her weakness, she said she didn't like it if we didn't text for too long. By the way, we texted all the time, literally. I remember once switching off the wifi on my cellphone just to get 4 hours of sleep... We both loved texting each other so much, as I said we didn't sleep for days. However, she wasn't willing to commit to a relationship, she always said things like 'I don't think I'm ready', 'I'm not sure I can give you what you want/need'. Anyway.
Our first fight came. We had gone to the seaside for a week and were really happy there, we had a wonderful time. Then, we came back to where we live and because of her work and other stuff to do we didn't meet for several days. It was really weird, because we used to meet, or at least tell each other that we wanted to meet, all the time. I got angry, I blamed her for not wanting to meet me, she said she had a lot of work (it's true... but I didn't know it at the time, she wasn't sharing much about these things), I asked her if she was seeing someone else, she freaked out, told me I didn't trust her and if I don't change my behaviour we will break up. It all ended the following day, when we met and I apologized for my behaviour, I told her I wasn't jealous or anything, she said that I didn't trust her and that she didn't want to be in the same relationship like her previous one. She wasn't giving me a change to prove to her that I'm not going to suffocate her or anything. She said that I deserved a chance but the fact that she wasn't willing to give it to me meant that she was too hurt from the same thing in her previous relationship, that she is just not ready to have another one. She is not emotional, but when she drove me home I saw her wiping away tears from her eyes several times.
When she had to go, I went out of the car, told her I wasn't going home now. She texted me half an hour later and asked me to tell her when I get home, at least a line. I did so on the following morning. She said ok and thanked me for writing. A day passed... since we met it's never been even a couple of hours without texting... so, a day passed and I wrote to her that I missed our relationship, that I'm sorry for what I did and that I'd be happy to try again if she was willing. She replied that at that moment she didn't think she was ready to try again, she didn't know whether she could give me all that I want and that she didn't want me to suffer anymore. I texted that in that case I'd be happy to talk to her when she feels well and she said ok. And that was it. Now another day has passed... and maybe a thousand more will pass... Do I have any chances of getting her back or should I move on? What should I do? If I do the NC, she will forget about me, we only dated for 2 months, though while we were breaking up, she said our relationship had been perfect until I reacted like that (the jealousy and anger after we hadn't met for a few days).
Until the end I wasn't sure we were in a relationship, but on the day of the break up she said that it was pretty obvious that we had been in a relationship.
Why did this all happen, and can I change things?
Hey,
Why did all this happen? Because you both jumped in the relationship too soon after the breakup. She never got the chance to get over her last breakup. No contact, IMO, is your best bet. If your relationship was perfect and it's meant to be, she won't forget about you during NC.
Thank you. I feel so bad. I feel not wanted and so on, since she always told me how much she missed me, how much I meants to her and how much she was inlove with me... Was that all a lie?
Nc, right. But we both post in that online forum where we actually met. She participates in some of the topics I've posted in. Does that break NC?
After 2 days with no contact at all, she texted me to ask me how I was doing. I replied. She told me how she was doing, asked me how was work, I replied, she told me about her work... then she asked me something else and so on for 10-15 minutes. I was positive and not very talkative. And then the texting stopped (her text was the last one, but since it didn't say much, I didn't reply. It was 'That's good' about something I had said about my job). Now a day has passed and she hasn't contacted me yet. Should I expect her to contact me again? Does she miss me? Should I contact her? What if she gets over me if I don't contact her for some time... I mean our relationship was only 2 months, though it was perfect (as she said on the day of the break up).
Hey everyone.
I've tried posting several times on here, but its never gone through so hopefully it will this time.
My girlfriend broke up with me on June 18th and told me that she just didn't want the distance or the relationship and didn't see it going anywhere (we were in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half). However, 2 days later, she started dating another guy who is also long distance. I think that he kind of got into her head and told her basically anything she wanted to hear in order to get her to break up with me and start dating him.
I told a few people what was going on and how I was feeling, etc and one of them told her that she needed to talk to me because she had basically destroyed me even though I had asked him not to say anything to her. So she texted me and told me that she basically had never loved me, had never been happy being with me, and that I was boring, the first 2 of which I can prove aren't true.
I've been in NC with her ever since, but its really hard. She seems happy being with this new guy and I find myself checking on her fb, skype, and a game we play together (the new guy plays it too) several times a day and it tears me up inside just knowing that she's happy being with him and has so easily forgotten about me especially after everything that we've been through together. (i.e. over a year and a half of an amazing relationship, I saved her from cutting herself and even from suicide, I was always able to take care of her no matter what, etc.) We have also met in person twice, we've been together intimately several times, had talked alot about marriage, having a family together, moving in together, etc.
She had even been telling me that I needed to get a haircut so I went and got one that I know she likes, sent her a picture which she was very excited about, but then, less than 12 hours later, she broke up with me and told me that there were no second chances and that its over and to accept it.
Please, give me some advice. This is the one and only girl I've ever truly loved and I still do love her, but it seems like she doesn't even remember that I exist and I'm not sure whether its due to this new guy or if she really doesn't care about me anymore. What do I do?
She also basically said that she regrets our entire relationship which tears me up inside. We hadn't been talking as much for the last few weeks because she had been getting upset with me easily over small things and I was trying to give her some space since I knew that I had been smothering her with my attention although when I didn't, she seemed to want it and crave it. We weren't completely not talking though and we never had any big fights or arguments. When we did have arguments, it was over little things that we knew were little things and it only made our relationship stronger. We would sit down and talk about it and did so every time except for this time. Please guys, any advice would be appreciated. One more thing though. Due to the distance, I can't ask her to go out for coffee or lunch very easily. Plane tickets are between $1500 and $2500 USD and although I'm more than willing to pay that, I don't have the money for it right now. We were planning on getting her a ticket here this December/Janurary to spend a little over a month together, but like I said, she doesn't seem to even think about me anymore, let alone want to see me. Our distance is nearly 9000 miles (I live in KS, USA and she lives in NSW, AUS) and even if I did bring her here (if she would agree to that), I'm afraid she would just want to go see the new guy instead (the new guy lives in TX, USA).
Hey Anson,
I replied to your comment here. Also, don't spend any money on her unless you are officially back together. Instead of inviting her for coffee or lunch, you can ask her to come up on skype.
Hi, I've tried to comment several times. Been reading this site and it's suggestions since June 13th. And even purchased Relationship Rewind. I've tried to follow the advice given to others from all the posts I've read here that applied to my situation, as well as tried to apply many of the suggestions in RR. My comments never seem to make the page and I think I'd like to become a part of the community and share my story and comment on others if that's possible... Thanks
Sorry about that Ron. Your comments will be automatically approved now as long as you use the same name and email address.
Hi Kevin,
Sorry for the double post but I posted a comment.
I'm pretty sure I stuck to the guidelines... Could you reply please? Thanks!
Vee
Please help?!
hey vee,
could you repost your it? i can't open the link i guess there might be a problem.
sorry, i meant could you repost it :D
Hello a.z,
Of course... here it is:
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. He told me “he wants new things in life now and they’re not the same as my wants anymore.” He didn’t tell me what the new things are because he didn’t want to see me be a doormat. He told me he no longer has feelings for me and is ready to move on. He thought the relationship was getting unhealthy because he had to “convince” himself that he was happy with me. If he had to do that then it means he wasn’t truly happy with me. He doesn’t want to be friends for at least a year or two, and he’s even deleted me off of Facebook (ouch) because “he doesn’t want to knkw what’s going on in his exes’ lives.” I made the mistake by texting him right after the breakup because I “forgot to tell him something.” That went on for a while but eventually he told me he was extremely uncomfortable with talking to me at that moment. I’ve completed NC with no slips and have been talking to a lot of new guys and I have to say I feel a lot better! He has not reached out though.
He went to Spain alone for a trip for three months and said that changed him. He believes that nothing will make the relationship work anymore. Because HE changed, doesn’t matter how I better myself, it won’t work as he wants different things now… or at least that’s what I think.
He’s very in touch with is emotions. He has a lot of discipline and self control. His will power is super strong, as in I feel like if he wants to move on, he will.
What would you suggest? Is there any hope?
:)
Best,
Vee
hey,
how long have you guys been together? and did you talk to him after the NC period and he said those things to you after NC?
don't care about what he is saying.i think you should go on NC again for 2 or 3 months.you should show him that you are moved on.you don't have to contact him or try to show him anything using words.just live your life.concentrate on your goals and be as happy as you can.go on dates and use your facebook account or anything like that to show that your doing great in your life.even though he has blocked you on FB,he will probably check your profile someday .kevin has suggested ryan river's relationship rewind.i recommend you to read it.it will help you understand the phase ,how to deal with it and hopefully get out of it.
good luck
Hey a.z,
We were together for nine months... I've not tried contacting him after NC so technically im still do it haha... I actually dont want to contact him because I really want myself to heal. Stay in away from him at all costs most definitely protects me from all the damage he did to me.
Right now im actually quite content with my single life and im picking up a lot of hobbies that I no longer had time for after I got into a relationship with him. Its great!
I have a copy of relationship rewind believe it or not but instead of using it to get back with my ex I feel like im reading it more for the purpose of building successful relationships in the future!
At the same time, I dont want to shut out from any chances of reconciliation with my ex while I still have feelings for him...
Vee
9 moths is a long time and i'm sure you will definitely increase your chances of getting back by following the plan.don't worry about his words,he may change it sooner or later if you act the right way.
best of luck
Dear a.z,
We are headed off for the same university in September so im sure we will cross paths again in the future. This is why I am not in a rush to contact him. I want to use this time to really work on myself and who knows? Maybe by the time university starts he'll come back... or better yet more guys will come my way! Aha I've been told more than many times that I've been the better looking one in the relationship ;)
Vee
Can someone please help. Me and my broke up about three weeks ago. I had trust issues with him, we are both 20 and he and this little girl started talking, texting, snapchatting everything. We started fighting about everything and than he just ended it. There are no indications that he's interested in her. We dated for almost two years. I've been following everything, but I'm wondering if its even realistic to get your ex back. Please help.
Hey,
It has worked for many people before. Here's a testimonial page.
Kevin, I hope you are back approving and answering questions. I hope you can help me here. I'm using the Relationship Rewind method and it has worked wonders so far. Just yesterday we had the first face-to-face social meeting and it went really smooth. Neither she or I have mentioned the word "friendship" at all but the behaviour was that of two friends so I guess it's implied. I felt comfortable around her and so did she, we interacted with the whole group but also had some private chat between us two. We really had a lot of fun.
The only problem here is she's seeing someone else. It's most likely a rebound since she started seeing him two weeks after she broke up with me and they're not in a relationship yet, but they're dating and seeing each other. I've acted all cool and non threatened about it and making it seem like I'm fine with it and un-biased by the idea of her moving on. But now my question is, should I just let her "thing" with this other guy run its course and wait until they're done to take the next step or should I keep going for it all regardless of the other guy?
Thank you!
Keep going for it regardless of the other guy.
hey zach,
i'm so glad you are hear with the good news.you are doing great.
Good luck
here*
Hey Zach, glad to see you're back and you sound much more focused. Good luck :)
Hey Zach!
Is that you? I was hoping to see you back here!
Hey Kevin,
I sent a comment to you a couple days ago and just wondered if it got lost in the mix.
If it did I could resend it.
Hey AQ,
Yes, please resend the comment. And please read the comment guidelines before posting. Thanks.
Hi Kevin i azked you before if you got my comment as no rwply. please can u help
Hey Lou,
I've replied to your comment here.
Welcome back Kevin, and thank you for your website and recommending Relationship Rewind!
My ex and I are 33 years old, were together for under 12 years. He broke it off 2 months ago and told me to accept it was over, but that we'd eventually need to meet to return each other our things. We weren't on talking terms and of course I committed all the things you said not to do after a break up with no response from him of course. But since coming across your site I wasn't in contact with him for just a little under a month, until he messaged me to say we should probably return our things to each other and asked me to coffee which I thought was strange. I was only a few days away from 30 days of no contact and was feeling better about myself that I decided to meet up with him.
He looked hurt when I saw him, maybe because returning our things was so final. Strange because he was the one who broke my heart by calling it off. So we had coffee after and it went well, kept things casual only catching up about what each of us have been up to. He was kind, we were joking, I was confident and "happy", we were talking about things we knew we had in common but we were very careful not to talk about our relationship. Only time he went silent was when I told him I was going overseas (holiday). Only thing was when he saw that I kept going a bit silent at times and looking into the corner of the cafe (I was a little nervous, but he saw it as me being carefree and casual), he took it as a cue to ask me if I wanted to continue having coffee or he was going to do a bit of shopping. I didn't quite hear him so I asked him if he wanted to shop alone, he said yes, so I felt a bit rejected and just smiled (genuinely) and said "okay. well, okay". And forgot to say goodbye!
So I messaged him later that day as I felt bad, to thank him for the catch up and told him I was proud of his career. He replied and expressed his appreciation for me acknowledging his achievements, but made it clear that even though he broke things off that his heart still hurts and even commented that it appeared I was being casual and carefree. I was only trying to be positive and happy.
He went silent after that so I left a one day gap to message him back to say sorry for not properly saying goodbye because of nerves, but didn't mean he wasn't special to me. He responded well to that especially when I referenced how this is a tough time for us both. So I asked him to go out for a casual eat as friends before I go on my trip, and he said he can't do that to send me off on an adventure, and he needs more time.
A week later I texted him about a book I mentioned at coffee that I knew he'd like and he said thanks and asked when I was going overseas. I mentioned when that was and I talked about something else in that message, to which he responded but completely ignored the part about when I was leaving for my trip. After that I complimented him about his career again and he went silent after that, from what I can tell he's now distant. I was in deaths door, then because he initiated coffee I thought we moved to drift, now not sure if I'm at deaths door again.
I leave for my trip soon, but don't want him to think that I'm using it to get over him but would like to be on his mind. So 1)What should I do?
Since being together we've had a few break ups longest lasting 2 months, two were serious but always seemed to return to each other because we love each other so much and are very similar in personalities and share endless common interests and career aspirations (first in 2007 for 2 months, 2010 for 2 months, 2013 for 13 days). He said this is the last break up.
BUT I'm not meant to know this but very freshly after breaking up with me, he told a friend that even though he doesn't think I can change (he's wrong this time because although he was unwilling to see at the time, I had personal issues I was dealing with), I found out he misses me. From coffee I can tell he misses me, or maybe he feels guilty for the break up. Hence my below question about wanting to prove that I have changed in one of the areas I have hurt him.
Should I keep in contact with his sibling (who's offered to be there for me)? Only ask as in Relationship Rewind, Ryan Rivers said to improve yourself and show my ex the positive changes he wants to see. My ex had a big issue with me not showing I care for his family (we're both very close to our families) which I admit I took for granted but had some issues I had to deal with. So 2)would it be wise for me to spend time with his sibling and his niece which I'd really like to do. 3) I've also bought his niece small gifts that I'd like to give her- can I give this, or personally give to him if I see him after I return from my trip? I want to regain his trust and show him I've changed.
Thanks.
You should keep contact while you are away on the trip, but keep it minimum. Perhaps, text him once or twice. I don't see any problem with spending time with his siblings and niece if you are close to them. However, don't make it look like you are doing it just to get him back or to just show him you've changed.
Hi everyone
Have you guys received an email from Kevin about hot and cold feelings with our exes? Well, this is why I'll try not to sound too optimistic in my comment here but something has happened and i feel weird about it (though for a while today I was feeling happy and shouting everyone lunches and drinks hahaha)
He sent me a message this morning after I sent him 'something remind me of you' text last night. His message was irrelevant to what I said and though the message was something to do with me and for my own good anyway I responded to it formally. Then he sent me a text are you free now? I responded after ten mins ok and then he called me. During the phone call he said he 'loved me' and that will never change. He was so emotional and optimistic in his life plans etc... I was boosting his confidence as well, I acted happy and though I did bring up the break up subtly, it didn't matter for either of us cos it's in the past and for the circumstances we went through there wasn't much to do but to separate. Anyway, I encouraged him to complete his Masters degree next year and I said that I am willing to do it with him as well. I discussed how I'm not exactly happy here and not sure if this is a good idea but I thought if I did move back to the city I would have to live in a shared accom and then why not share with someone I know and lived with for a month? Not sure if that's a decent idea? Especially that he said he still holds feelings for me and he thinks of me still a lot. We even told each other we miss each other... oops! But he said he wants to concentrate on his life plans and not ready for a relationship in the next year and a half, and I said I need to sort out my life too... So living wisely, is it ok do you guys think?
After the phone call he texted me saying 'that was a great conversation I feel uplifted and happy after speaking with you,. I'm very serious about doing the degree next year" I agreed politely. Then he said I'm coming to see you in August I'll book flights and let you know and since you know your city better would you find me accommodation? and I said no worries. He assured me that he doesn't ever mean to ignore my texts but with all the pain killers he's taking he sleeps a lot and then with what time he has left he works. So I have to be patient which bothers me cos I'm sick of this!
Anyway, this is the story with us today. Today, he's warm and tomorrow god knows. He might still change his mind about everything and not come... really, I have zero expectations from him but for the sake of my time and energy if he takes back what he said I'm gonna move on. I can't be in a roller coaster but fingers crossed good things will happen.
It sounds good to me except that he said he does not want a relationship in a year and a half! Otherwise, everything sounds great!! Anyway, you better know what's happening!!
Thank you Dara. He said that he doesn't want to disappoint me by making promises he couldn't keep, he said that he did once and he let me down hence why he said he wants to concentrate on his life financially before entering a relationship. But he's afraid of losing me... ? I'm also confused by that. Not sure if it's a good idea to share accommodation with each other in the new year, I am keen on moving back to the city but is this the right way to do it?
Rihanna,
I think his issue is within himself. He is insecure in a lot of things that may affect a relationship. I think leet him be for a while. Let it be his idea to get back. I think he wants to grow first. He is not ready to commit again because he has feelings of insecurity he doest have the confidence that he can take care of a relationship as of now. My advixe is move on now. Dont waste tme waitng and hoping for him. He may change his mind in a second abd it will just break you down. Goodluck. I wish you all the best.
Thank you Daniel :) ... You may be right, I may need to just move on he's acting weird lol
Hey kevin please can i have a reply to my comment
hi everyone, I'm really desperate for some advice so I hope somebody respond to my cooment..
I met my ex on fb one year ago.We used to go in the same school but didn’t know each other in person,though I always had a crush on him.Our last year I had tried to add him,he accepted me and showed interest but I was too coward to meet him when I had the chance,the he closed his fb and I had forgotten him till last year when I found his new profile and decided to add him. Once again,he accepted, he showed interest again,we exchanged phone numbers soon and ever since we talked and texted every day for 3 months.He was working in another city so we only met last september when he came here for his sister’s wedding.We had arranged to go to Rome together and he had more than once talked me about marriage! I saw him about 5 times but after 2 weeks or so he started being strange,probably because he has family issues, and I admit I was so terrified I put him a lot of pressure..He left again while we didn't talk,after a while we talked again, then he stopped answering again. He returned here to stay,but didn’t say anything about us.When I had lost every hope I found some sites, I decided to do NC,it worked,he messaged me once, I didn’t answer, then after 30 days I tried my First text,it went very good!after 3 days he texted me First and so I followed the plan.At some point he kind of did a jealousy scene cause he saw me with my cousin,though he got a bit mad and denied it when I said he cared about me.2 weeks later about xmas,he implied he wanted to see me and during new year’s eve we were texting each other all the time.He even said he was looking forward to our trip,that he liked me etc..After that at some times he was cold and hot at times,we met once at end of january, at his house where he introduced to his family as his ‘girlfriend’.I tried to talk to him about what is going to happen between us and he kind of didn’t answer.Ever since he was kind neutral and when the time of the trip came, we didn’t go cause he couldn’t leave his job while he said that we can’t be together and we wont be! I didn’t talk to him about 40 days after that.meanwhile he had closed his FB.I tried text him he didn’t reply 2 times.In the third text he started asking me things on his own.For a while we talked,he was friendly,we even talked on the phone after a long time! then he never wished me on my birthday,he didn’t reply when I wished him on his. Again I tried after a while talk to him,he was possitive,then he wouldn’t answer again! Meanwhile he owes me the money for the trip which I asked and he said he has some difficulties and a girlfriend!I asked him for how long and he said 2 months. I told him I also have a bf and that I’d like to remain friends. Now my friend beleives he’s lying about the gf. But on Monday I tried to text him ‘May I ask you sth?’,he replied in less than 5 min. and after another 5 again saying ‘tell me now cause I’m with my gf and I don’t want any misunderstandings!’. I was shocked,didn’t reply anything, yet about 35min later I checked on fb and saw him on Chat from cell. I waited and at night I send him a text saying I didn’t want to disturb earlier and that sth happened that scared me, so I wanted to say some things. I thanked him for the support he gave me last summer, I apologized if I crossed the line some times and said I’m glad we know each other. He didn’t reply..
so could you answer these: a)do you think I did well texting that?
b)do you think there’s a gf indeed and if she could be a rebound?
c)why can he possibly not giving me the money, cause I’m sure he has an amount of them. And what can I do from now on?
can somebody reply...??
Julie,
I replied to you here.
hey Kevin,Dara and David
thank you again for responding
so he called me and asked me what my point is about all this.i was confident and he couldn't sense any sadness.i said i think i'v already said everything that was needed.
he said he was too angry that day and couldn't give me the right answer.i said since we are not in a relationship and you are talking about your feelings every now and then i wanted to make sure about your feelings and it seems like you are never constant.he said:do you want me to keep telling you how much i love you like every day?then i said no.
he said: i want to tell you something and i want you to always remember it.i love you and my feelings for you won't change.i'm not dating anyone and i don't want to.but we can't be with each other because of your behavior.we can't, cuz i can't handle when you say something bad and unusual and that reminds me of the days that you behaved so bad and that drives me crazy and this will cause more and more arguments and pressure and i really can't handle that.
i said that i'm not saying anything about getting back and its just that it makes me crazy when he changes his mind.
he said: when i get angry i may say anything that i don't mean and i know thats not right but now i'm saying that i love you.
i said: the reason that i'm still here is the things you told me about your feelings and getting back in the future and that the reason for our breakup and that i know it was my fault and i behaved so bad and i know how much i'v hurt you .
he said: i'm still saying that if someday everything will be all right then we are gonna be with each other.
i said: i'm not thinking about that future anymore .right now you are saying that you love me and i really appreciate that.i love you too.we are good but we need to live our lives the way we have to,without each other and if later in the future we still have the same feelings then we can talk about it that time and until then there shouldn't be any jealousy or anything like that and that i have changed alot and this time he needs to change .
he said he is ok with what i said and that he will change and then started to talk about everything else including his job,my job and then tried to make me laugh.and we ended the conversation like nothing went wrong.he is coming back next week and i know he is gonna ask me out again. what do i do?
i believe i haven't changed my attitude toward him that much.and whenever i get angry i behave as bad as possible but i will really change it.but sometimes i think these are some excuses that he is making not to be with me.
what do you think? is there any chance or i need to move on and forget a bout him?
a.z.,
You have someone who loves you and you love him as well! So why do you want to move on? Instead of being destructive be constructive!
Do you truly love him? So why do you torture him? Do you expect him to say, "I love you" and you say, "we need to live our lives, without each other"?
a.z., you even play head-games with yourself! Do you want me to repeat it? He loves you! You need to work on yourself! Sorry for being blunt!
You said you are going to meet each other next? If your ideal case is living with each other, tell him!
I am happy that you told him that you love him! a.z., you should not put a break to the relationship! Anyway, you were good! Still a bit rough on him but better than before! I appreciate your improvement!
Good luck!
hi Dara,
thank you very much for your comment and i'm really glad to have a friend like you.
the reason i told him that we should live our lives without each other is that he said we can't be with each other because he still remembers those days and he can't handle anymore of that.i couldn't say anything about getting back when he is still blaming me for my bad behavior.i can only do that in case i show him i have changed and i can control my anger,bad feelings etc... . and still i'm not sure if those are just excuses he is making not to be with me. i think i should go out with him like once a month and show him that i have changed in a long period of time like 3 months or so. cuz i have never been acting normal that long.and i have always found something to make an argument. i'm not sure yet.i'm waiting for more advice from you guys but i think since its more than 4 months and he is not sure yet, kevin will suggest moving on.
Hi a.z,
"we can’t be with each other because he still remembers those days and he can’t handle anymore of that.i couldn’t say anything about getting back when he is still blaming me for my bad behavior." It's great that you've realized the problem and that you want to show him that you can control your anger. When you wonder, you'll start to think about negative things about your ex and think, why isn't he doing the things you expect? This will lead you to feeling angry. When you're asking yourself why isn't he making the move to come back, I'd like you to step back and ask yourself why.
Time. How long it takes for you to get back with your ex is different for everyone. If you keep saying to yourself, it's been 4 months since our breakup, and we are still not back together, should I move on? Most likely, you still aren't feeling happy with where you're at. I know you've made mistakes because of your anger, but it's never too late to change. It's normal for people to feel angry, and I think it's okay as long as you can control it, but you get to the point where anger controls you, you have to do something about it.
I think you should go NC again and try to work out these issues on your own, figure out what went wrong in your relationship and how YOU can improve yourself. You can't be angry when you're not even together with your ex. Even if you aren't angry, are you happy without him? I wish the best for you too a.z, remember, you are more important than he is.
a.z,
I'm not really sure where you are going here. as i understand you are prioritizing your own lives than your love for each other? If you think that being with him wont do much good and that you both are better off at the moment then go. learn to let go and grow. If someday you meet again and become good friends then there is a chance you can start again. as the saying goes. "If you really love something let it go, if it comes back it's forever yours. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with."
Live your life. Im in a good mood today I feel like the video i watched hit my head and woke me up or something. so there, just be positive. be happy and show taht youre doing fine if he asks to meet again. dont overdo it. just dont let him sense that you are sad or any negative feelings. goodluck! all the best!
thank you again guys,i really appreciate the time you spend.
you are right,Edward i keep asking myself why he is not coming back when i have never taken a step in resolving the main problem.and when i think too much i start to think about every negative thing that might be happening and that makes me look like a psycho.i believe i should work on myself.to be honest i'm happy with my life but i do want him in my life.maybe because i know what i have done and i feel guilty and i think i am responsible to change and let him know that i'm not hurting him anymore. i think NC won't help that much this time.cuz if we are not in touch ,how can he see the change? and i didn't even wait until the meet ups .i never went out with him again to get a chance to reattract him.i know i should avoid any negative talks or thoughts and show him that i'm happy.
thank you again guys i'd be really happy reading your comments
a.z.,
I can sense positive attitude from you last comments. I also believe that doing NC is for guys who have shown neediness. However, reading Kevin's comments (which I also agree with), anger also subsides while NC. Probably, you guys need to spend more time together. Do nice things for him. Most of guys easily forget bad memories. Cook for him. Invite him for something fun where you can laugh endlessly.
Most girls act like guys need to change. I'm glad that you said you've changed! He will realize it little by little.
In an ideal relationship, it a couple against the universe- not 2 singles against the universe. Anyway, I am sure that you know all these stuff better than us. All you need is to control that anger thing! LOL! When you feel angry about anything, hold you breath and count till 10. ha ha ha ha...
You both love each other but this anger thing is some sort of tragedy! Hopefully it will end well!
Cheers!
thank you very much dear Dara,yeah i never wanted to change this much.i found that if i keep going on like that i'm gonna be the one who is suffering from everything more than anyone.i need to change for my own good.when i can be a better person and feel good about my behavior,i'm sure he can feel that too.its not gonna be acting anymore.this time i want to change for real.i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to hurt myself. if i change,and he still doesn't want me back then its ok. atleast there will be nothing left for me to regret about and i'll know that i really did my best. feeling guilty is too hard to handle and i think when he sees that i have changed i can forgive myself.
i hope kevin will respond to this.so i can be sure i'm doing the right thing.i really can't make another mistake.if he suggest moving on,i will really do whatever to move on.
he just texted me and said you should promise me something...
i said what?
he said:that someday we will draw a city together.
we used to do alot of drawings and he always wanted to draw a city but everytime something happened and we couldn't. lol
Dear a.z.,
Kevin already said what we all have been saying: heart-to-heart talk. I know its hard. You're situation is like mine in this case! I don't want to initiate contact because I am tired. I am tired of those head-games and me saying, "I love you". "I love you", with no response is tiresome. It really hard for me to imagine myself instead of your guy!
a.z., your case is really not that tough! You just need to work on your conversation and ego issues! That's all! There are guys here that have been cheated on! That a lot tougher to get dumped because one's ex started a sneaky relationship with someone and when you were dumped they start their happy relationship! Be positive girl! That is easy for yourself and the guy who loves you! Why don't you initiate talks on getting along? I truly recommend you to do that. Take some more initiative steps, please!
Hiya a.z
Festival David.
Dont have anything else to add really, The other guys hit the nail on the head :). I think maybe you are thinking about his responses a bit too much Like Edward said, Then thats leading to negative responses and thats what he is saying is why you cant be together.
Talking to him and staying calm will be the best way to show him how youve changed, take it slowly, carry on with your life and try not to think about "getting back together"..treat him as a good friend and hopefully because you wont be thinking about getting back together, you wont be thinking of the negative things that go with that.
He will notice your attitude eventually
And Im stealing Daniels quote because its another one I like :D
"If you really love something let it go, if it comes back it’s forever yours. If it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with."
Good luck all :D
thank you dear Dara and David,
Dara,
i can't really use the heart to heart talk or say anything about getting back right now.i know he will say those reasons again not to get back and that will make the situation more difficult.i think first i need to show him that i have changed.
David,
i totally agree with what you said.i need to let go of things.i will be in touch with him but i'm not gonna be thinking about getting back so i won't feel pressured.all i want to show him is that he can feel safe again when he is talking to me.and i believe i should take it slowly.
thank you very much guys xoxo
I think there's a pretty good chance. He probably wants to get back together and he doesn't want to lose you. He just can't convince himself to get back together. He wants to see some change in you or an effort to make that change (not just words) so that he can convince himself to get back together. If anger is your issue, a great way to show that you are changing is start therapy. Alternatively, there are probably lots of books, courses etc. that you can get on anger.
But I must emphasize, you should only work on this if you believe that this is really an issue with you. Perhaps, your anger is not really bad and he is only using it as an excuse for himself for not getting back while the real reason is something else altogether. Regardless, therapy is going to help you in either case.
thank you so so much kevin,
yeah your right and i'm really working on myself.i'm starting therapy and i will definitely buy some good books about this. i have been acting so bad and have been hurting him for nothing for a long period of time.and he never even said a bad word to me.i believe he really tried his best to be with me and he even begged me to stop what i was doing for like 100 times but all i was doing was getting worse and worse.actually there were things that i didn't like in that situation but i really know i chose the wrong way to deal with that.this time i'm not gonna use words but i will show that i'm changing with my behavior.
tbh,the reason for our breakup was my bad attitude.and i think he is scared to get back.and he kinda said the same thing. but i can never be 100% sure and maybe he is using it as an excuse.we will find about it later after i show him that i have changed. then if he make more excuses, i will totally move on.
thank you very much kevin for your help and support x
You're welcome a.z. One book I highly recommend is "Non-violent Communications" by Marshall Rosenberg. All the best. :)
add to card. LOL, can't wait to read it.thanks alot for everything.
I just had a small accident and my friend posted get well soon on my facebook wall, my ex girlfriemd saw that and called/texted me on facebook, i didnt answer because i am in no contact period, what should i do?? Should i tell her that i need aome time to figure things out?
Just tell her you are OK. If she tries to prolong the conversation then tell her you need time and space.
Hi,
I am just wondering if its even realistic to get back with my ex. We broke up almost three weeks ago, and I found this website so happy that I did. We have not talked sense we broke up three weeks ago. We broke up because we started fighting alot over stupid stuff. We both got the stress of school get the both of us. Another thing this girl he works with who is much younger than he is started texted him. I guess he liked the attention, well anyways, this started back in April and its been going on for a while I think. They've snap chatted and everything. I was ready to break up because I was tired of it. On the day we broke up he mentioned that he has feelings for her, I completely shut down and was pissed and he said we should break up. Now yes I have stalked both of them on facebook, no indications of a relationship or anything like that. Now that's its been three weeks I think about him constantly, but I go back and fourth with wanting to get back together and not wanting to. We talked about a future together. Were both 20 and were going to the same university in the fall. So please help I am just curious if its even reality to even try again.
If you are going back and forth, then you should continue no contact till you are sure about what you want.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my ex are both almost 40 and both have been single since we split up 3 years ago.
I broke up with my ex 3 years ago when I had to relocate to a new city for work. I spent the first 18 months trying to make a new life for myself and in Jan 2013 I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. I spent the following 6 mths recovering. Last August, after 2 years of no contact, I made contact with my ex. He was really happy to hear from me and said he missed me too etc. But then I became extremely clingy (which is not like me at all), and proceeded to do everything I should NOT have done - REPEATEDLY. He then ignored every attempt at communication (I even called to his parent’s house once!!!).
In Dec, after 4mts of him ignoring me, I texted him that I deserved to be treated with respect and not ignored etc. After that we texted each other happy new year and then 6 weeks later, in Feb, I texted him to let him know that a personal matter (which he knew about), had a positive outcome... No response from him again.
In April I was back home and I asked him to meet me and he said he was busy. I then texted him about a violent incident that happened between us in the past (which we never really discussed). And even though I know it was an accident and I didn’t even really want, or need, to talk about it, I think I just used it as an excuse to try and force him to talk to me... He responded by denying that the incident ever even happened and asked me to STAY OUT OF HIS LIFE. We have been good friends for years before we got together and never really fallen out before...
Please, please, help me Kevin, I really want him back.
P.s. He is prone to severe bouts of depression and though this never affected our relationship in the past I think it may take him longer to process emotions and anyone else.
P.p.s Kevin, It's now been just over 3 months NC
Hey Sinead,
I am sorry to tell you this but your chances of getting him back are very less. It's been 3 years, and you have repeatedly shown to him that you still want him back. You can try contacting him back again using the texts above. But again, your chances are back. You can perhaps make him start talking to you again, but it doesn't mean he will come back to you.
I don't see my comment that i gave yesterday. o.O
Hey,
Sorry, I can't find your comment. Please post again and read the comments guidelines before posting.
Hi Kevin,
I seriously don't know what is happening with my comments. None of them appears on the website. Hope you receive this one.
So I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago. We were together almost 2 and a half years. I am 29 he is 28. Unfortunately I didn't handle our break up that well and I ended up making some of the mistakes you mention. Now I have decided to follow the NC plan for as long as it takes. Especially when I recently found out he is seeing someone else. Which is way too fast if you ask me! In addition I will have to meet him next week at the airport since we had already booked our tickets while we were still together. I seriously don't know how to react. I am still having such a hard time dealing with this break up!!!
Please help...
Julia
Hi Julia,
If you can, I would try and return those tickets or cancel them. You two are not together anymore and you have to accept that fact. He is seeing someone and is most likely going to be a rebound, you should follow the plan and go NC. You still have a chance.
Julia,
I've replied to your comment here.
Thank you Kevin for the reply. And you Edward as well.
Regarding the girl he is seeing I know for a fact they'r not in a relationship. But I have a fear it might lead to a relationship. We basically broke up cause he was too stressed at work and my erratic behaviour didn't actually help.
We have a real special bond though and I really believe that we could have another chance. I really don't know how long should I keep with the NC plan. Since I sent him an email (with no reply of course) a week before, I would say that I will need two more months?
What do you think Kevin?
Hey Julia,
There's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4. Two months sounds good.
What if she sent a viber and fb message just asking how i am and telling me that i hope i am fine? It had just been a week of no contact. We broke up last june after 5 months of being together. We broke up while I'm vacationing for awhile in Canada which was a gracious gift i couldnt refuse from my aunt. I wish she would come but she wants to finish a year more before she graduates, while i graduated last march.
I wish she would come with me but our relationship had been clandestine. It was because of my background that made our relationship a secret. We wanted to slowly tell everyone that we love each other and that it wouldnt matter what i once was because we both looked past that already.
But apparently, something in her changed as I left for Canada. Because it was clandestine, the times we would meet prior to me leaving for awhile made her 'tired of understanding our situation' even though i constantly remind her that all will be just temporary, like a couple of weeks temporary. Long story short, i tried to give my all but she said she didnt feel any of it the month before i left.
Now tonight I'm returning to my country, and she messaged me in fb and viber. And i am going crazy. I still didnt reply, but i badly want to
Reply. She knows that you are coming back and she wants to get back in touch. Just be cool and don't show any signs of neediness.
Just saw your reply now. Havent replied to her yet even though I am back, well mostly because I had been too busy myself looking for a job and that our country was inflicted with a natural disaster recently.
I plan to send a letter within this weekend instead. Will that help or should I just reply casually through viber or through text?
By the way it has been almost three weeks of NC
I want to send her a message to tell her I'm sorry. I've done all what I shouldn't have done what to do what to do
Follow the plan Mohammed.
Hi kevin,
My girl broke up with me on June 17th,we were in relationship for an year ,After having some dreadful situations I used to fight with her and when ever I get angry I used to scold her.This turned very weird .Every emotion that I showed on her was at peaks. I loved her too much and I showed my anger too much on her.I loved her more than myself.we broke up each other and she came to my relatives and said that she does not want to continue the relationship with me and Now I saw in her facebook that she is getting closer with one of his relatives and I got a chance to see her frequently called list her mobile and that was his number.Its Not even 2 weeks since we broke up,Immediately she went for other guy.DO you think that I can get her back??/ What would be the chances????
Hey Dilip,
You do have a chance, although there is no guarantee. But I'll highly recommend you work on your anger issues and how to handle arguments and fights with your partner during NC. Even if you don't get her back, you will be glad you worked on your issues when you start your next relationship.
Hey guys I dated my girl friend for 3 years and have cheated on her 3 times but it has been just making out but recently I got hammered and had sex with a girl and my ex found out. I want my gf back and I don't know how to prove to her that I have changed from who I was. Any one have some advice on how to win her back
Follow the advice. Don't try to prove anything to her. Let her realize it on her own. If you try to prove her, it'll just seem like you are doing it to get her back and once you get back together things will go back to the way they were. Also, get therapy during NC. It shows that you are trying to work on your issues.
My girlfriend and I broke up two months ago and right after we broke up I made a very bad decision while feeling desperate one night and hooked up with another girl. Later on she decided that she wanted to get back together... I felt terrible so I decided to tell her. The news wounded her very deeply, and for the next two months I made a lot of changes in my life and started taking out bad habits I had and replacing them with positive ones. I have also stayed loyal even though we are apart. We continued to communicate and even got intimate at some times. Now just a few days ago she just randomly cut me off. She blocked my number but she didn't block me on social media... I have tried frantically to figure out why she is doing this.... In the meantime I found out she has made out with another guy while he was piss drunk at a dance and is in a relationship with a guy from another town. She also posts a lot of tweets saying things like "I just really don't like you anymore". I feel terrible about what I did and I know in my heart she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. What do I do?!
Stop communication. Don't try to reach her and stop checking her tweets. I guess she is confused about her feelings. And you should give her time to sort it out. I'll recommend sending her the letter mentioned above after one or two months of no contact.
Hi guys would really love some help.
My boyfriend broke up with me in February this year after 3.5 years together because he didn't love me anymore. It came out of the blue!
I haven't spoken to him for about 4-5 months and eventually texted to catch up for coffee. It went really well. However I don't know what to do now...
I hear he wants to spend time with his friends and he is having one night stands...
What should I do ? Should I wait for him to initiate contact with me now?
Or is it completely gone forever?
I'm really confused!
Thanks
Contact him. Just casual texts. Ask him out again after two weeks.
Hi Kevin,
I have written to you on here before when I broke up with me fiancé of 7 years. That was in March. We were apart for 3 weeks and got back together for 2 weeks then broke up for 2 more weeks then got back together again. On tuesday he called it quits because I had a stressful 2 weeks of studying and didn't give him "what he needed physically". I told him it was completely stupid to break up when it was just a bad 2 weeks but he won't go back on it. We have a 2 year old daughter together and Im so frustrated that he would walk away from his family again over that. When I actually texted him to say things are obviously not good at the moment so Im with u on this he messaged back saying he was happy I was agreeing and that we both want this to work but it obviously not right at the moment and he wants us to be good friends and doesn't want to lose me either way. Its a sad excuse from where I'm sitting that you walk away from ur family again over something that is easily fixed and now I'm just angry and frustrated. Help? I feel like because we have been on and off again since the first break up that he thinks he will just have some cooling off time and then try again. Im sick of breaking up and making up. I just wanna work on my family.
So here's my situation. I am a female who was in a relationship with another female for 5 yrs. We live together and just recently broke up. I am devastated and pretty pathetic about all of it. We both love each other very much but there have been so many "interferences" in our relationship that it ended up tearing us apart. We were amazing together for a long time and then drama with ex and so on just had us bickering all of the time that we lost track of how we actually felt for each other. Its not that simple to just pick up everything and move out so how to I work on getting her back while living under the same roof? She's been doing her own thing with friends and we are civil with each other but I still find myself trying to act like her girlfriend when in reality we are not. Please help!
I'm at such a loss. My boyfriend of 3 years left me 2 weeks ago today. We were doing SO well in weeks prior and even the night before, he was telling me how much he loves me, all on his own. The next day we fought, he left me and instead of just ignoring me like he usually does after a fight, he blocked me from contacting him whatsoever. I made countless unanswered phone calls, emails, etc...and only a few times did he budge. But before we could have a full conversation, he disappeared again. This happened twice. The next full week, I have continued calling constantly, to the point where he sent me an email saying to get over him and leave him alone. He even told his buddy I was in "stalker mode" and it was making him angry. He's the most stubborn person I know, and I'm not sure if he is just "punishing" me for the fight that we had and wants me to truly think I've lost him forever, or if his emotions are just running high. Or the dreaded "serious breakup". This man was my best friend, we spoke all day every day....maybe even spent WAY too much time together, as everyone claimed. My question is....now that he thinks I've gone completely nuts....even with NC at this point, is there ANY hope? My overall goal is just to at least get him to speak to me again. But I'm afraid I pushed him too far. He has had ZERO time to miss me, since I have not let up on my begging and bothering a single bit.....but is there still hope at this point? I mean, we lived together for 2 years, and even after I moved out due to family issues, we still spoke all day every day. It is not unlike him to go a few days without speaking to me after a fight, claiming he needs space.......but 2 whole weeks and he still is angry? I suppose not leaving him alone will do that, but again...say I do go NC....is there any hope of him forgetting the psycho way I acted? Will he still miss me if I just disappear in the midst of my begging, or will it just be a sigh of relief? I'm so confused....I know he still cares for me. He said so himself.
Yes, NC will make him forget the way you acted and start missing you.
Hi Amanda,
When my ex broke off with me I was in panic mode as well and I've tried to contact her more than ever. I would be obsessed and over thinking things way too much. NC will help you calm your mind and see things more clearly. At the same time, it will give him space and time to think about you. Don't worry about what he's up to, just try to relax. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think about how he would feel if you were contacting him all this time. Does it seem attractive?
Hey All,
I need help ASAP please! I think I just messed up my chances and undid all of the hard work I achieved during no contact. We were on good terms and had started hanging out as friends lately and today I went to return his laptop I had borrowed and ended up sleeping with him!! I don't want to end up stuck in a "friends with benefits" situation!! Advise from anyone of you guys on here will be greatly appreciated.
Hi Rosalyn,
I think you should let him know that you can't be doing those things unless you two are together. Let him know that you want a relationship more than just friends. It's good that you guys are hanging out, but if his intentions is to take advantage of you, I don't think that's healthy in the long run. Ask him to see what his intentions are, hope this helps.
We were very clear once we started hanging out again after NC that it was just as friends. I was trying to establish a "false friendship" like Ryan said in his book. He still says he just wants to be single. I don't know if I've messed up my chances of getting him back. I'm obviously not going to sleep with him again, I know it was a mistake but do I just continue to see him every now and then like nothing happened and continue working on getting him back? Don't know what to do!
Rosalyn,
Enjoy your moments while you're with him, do things that you two enjoy. Go to places together and have fun. Once you've developed this strong friendship, he will realize that he wants you more than just friends. Don't let him take advantage of you, let him know that he can't have all of you if you are not in a relationship. That's part of the false friendship in Ryan's guide. The thing about following plans and guides is that it makes it seem too structural. You have to be yourself and natural, you want him to love you for who you are. Having a false friendship is just so that you can break the ice and get together and create a stronger bond. You two have been going out before already, so he will have strong attractions for you when you are hanging out with him again. You have to let him know that this can't continue to happen if you two aren't together, at least not the sleeping together part.
Rosalyn,
How did he react after you've slept with him? Was he happy and warm and said, 'breaking up was a mistake what was I thinking? let's give it another try?' - I bet not. He may be thinking it though who knows. I know that you had sex with him in hope that all the things 'I've said above' would actually happen in reality. So, don't beat yourself up for it, it's happened. But for your sake 'DON'T do that again'. Also, you may want to mention to him that what happened was a mistake because you're not that kind of girl "it's not who I am and I've never done this with a friend before." Obviously there's still feelings there for each other so it would be best to give each other some more time and space before friendship. I think doing NC again would be advisable after what's happened and it's for your sake cos you'll see if he reaches out to you during that time then he genuinely cares for you and takes you seriously and if he doesn't reach out to you (which would be bit low after sleeping with you, I think) then his intentions are wrong. IMO if you face him and ask him straight up about his intentions he will def act confused and hard to get cos you slept with him, I think NC again after telling him that you're not that kind of girl, NC would show him that you have good morals and qualities that you'd rather cut him loose than to become 'friend with benefits' Good luck with your NC and I hope he runs to you :)
Thank You, I will talk to him about this tomorrow and make it clear that it was the wrong thing to do and put some space between is for a while.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention, right from the day she broke up with me last November when ever she contacts me or I contact her she is so angry so angry and call names. She doesn't let me remind her about what we both promised in our past when we moved in.She mentioned to me in email about this that She will love her own self and she wants romance in her life but not from me. and now she says she will never give herself to me because she belongs to some one else, but it just happened so fast like last month.how and why? Kevin, I am not able to take this pain Im in Austria in different country i feel so lonely and miserable, Help me , I want to live and its so hard to breathe.
Hey Ali,
Whatever promises she made to you, don't expect her to keep it. She doesn't owe you anything. And if you move back to Finland for her, there's a good chance it still won't work out. But if you do go back to Finland, don't ask her to help you with the flat. It'll just make you look desperate. I'll recommend you stay in the country where you have the best chance of finding a job and is good for your career and your future.
To be honest, I can't really say if she will come back to you or if you have a chance of getting her back. If she shows anger, then she still has feelings for you. But it doesn't necessarily mean that she will want to get back together in the future. I think you should start no contact and start planning a life without her. You should learn to be happy without her and get back in touch with her only when you are absolutely sure that you will be OK even if things don't work out with her.
Hi Kevin,
Kevin, its killing me this pain, 7 years of relationship. just is there some hope that she is in rebound relationship and when she will find me in Finland and same city she will think about me? Kevin I m trying but its so hard for me think my life with out her presence. I wrote everything to you, If im not in Finland then even if she wants to get back with me then it will not be possible. I know it all happened due to long distance and lake of communication. Kevin please tell me some thing which can make me live and i see some hope and what do do, i can do NC but during this time she might develop strong feelings for other guy, that other guy is 7 years younger than her and she never liked younger guys.Kevin I cant stop crying , I am like a kid now. how can i get into her mind and tell her I love her the most and she is my soul.
Kevin
I just forgot to mention that my ex still has my stuff in her home like clothes and other stuff and she didnt ask me to take it. I cant take this pain at all, I was thinking to kill my self because its hard to bear all this
Time Duration: 7 years girl friend and we lived together
Broke up month: last November
Dear Kevin,
She broke up all her promises like she wrote to me (she will try to be optimistic and always be with me). I am from Finland but I didn’t find job in Finland so I moved to Austria on a project and my girl friend was all ok with that and she said to me sehe would move with me to Austria because she is nurse and she can find work anywhere. Then she came to Austria too last year in March to meet me and it was all fine. Then my project suddenly ended and I was very worried but she made me feel relax and I went to Finland to meet her, then I got back to Austria. now I am in Austria then suddenly last November she said to me on skype she is breaking up with me and like you mentioned I was shocked and I pleaded and I begged and all those mistakes. But she didn’t listen she said to me set me free like I’m setting you free from the commitment of relationship. I was shocked and I tried to send her messages and all that which you have mentioned in your article I did all those mistakes but still she was in touch with me on skype even she looked angery but was saying to She will love herself and she will loose weight and she showed me the exercise bike and then she once said to me on skype that the display picture of mine is not looking good and she sent me one picture which she took, to be used as display picture on skype. She still was helping me with the things and still was in touch and then I applied NO CONTACT RULE as you mentioned and I didn’t contact at all for almost 2 months and then I sent her hand written letter like you mentioned but I want to be honest in that letter I was praising her eyes and promised her not to commit mistakes again.After getting that letter she sent me text message that she has new spouse and she said in her text ( ok if you will not believe me other way … then here is my new spouse, why to take 8 years older when I can get 7 years younger ..smile..)
After that I tried every thing, I cried I pleasded but I didn’t say anything bad about her new bf. but she didn’t listen to me and said stop harassing me and then she said she would contact the police if I don’t stop sending her messages. she even used very bad language too. I have feelings she felt so lonely there in Finland and I was here in Austria.She said to me I ignored her and didnt give her proper time and didnt let her be like free flying bird.
Kevin, she is too good girl and we had so good time , she is decent and I love her from core of my heart.
Question 1. Now I am thinking to move back to Finland from Austria so that she can realize that im near her in the same city? I don’t have any chance to get job in Finland either due to the economic situation but I’m jobless here in Austria too, but I don’t have any home to live there, so can I ask my ex gf to help me to find the place for me? in fact in the beginning when we talked about break up she said she would help me to find place to live in Finland and she would let me live in her flat for few weeks.
Question 2 . She once said to me when I moved to Austria that she feels bad about long distance relationship. So do you think if I move back to Finland permanently and let her know somehow that I’m back in Finland and will it show her that I really love her and she will change her mind? because if I live in Austria then she will think I don’t care about her and she will never change her mind to get back to me and leave that other guy, or at least I will wait for her to finish with rebound relationship she has. you know that was the first time in her life and my life that we moved in together with partner. She was madly in love with me and but she says she is not the same and I am not the same. I reminded her about her promises but she didn’t listen at all.do you think I wait in Austria or I should go back to Finland. I don’t have job neigther in Austria nor in Finland.
I am ready to do everything to get her back because she is my precious and I can´t lose her at any cost. Kevin, I am just breathing but I am not living, I cant eat cant sleep cant do any thing. I beg you help me.
Hi Ali,
I hope Kevin replies to you ASAP cos you seem in a lot of pain. Having said that I'm sure he'll advise you to do NC for your sake. The last paragraph especially gives the impression for you to do NC for 2 months. During that time do something to improve your life situation. Since you're jobless in Austria and Finland atm why not change your circumstances by changing career path? Get a new job that should be your goal No. 1. After that do something you've always loved doing but never had the chance to, it could be swimming or skating or ski diving who cares, it will boost your self esteem and give you a different perspective of yourself. A newer 'you'. Then, do something that you have no interest in and learn to love it. If you can't stand gardening (for example) and your ex loves flowers, get a plant and learn to love it by looking after it and watching it grow. It could be a metaphor for your own personal growth. This will 'show' change in you rather than telling her you've changed. If you end up living in her city again perhaps you could offer her the plant you cared for after several months and she'll love it as a gift cos it's not 'bought from a shop' it's what you've made, in this way she'll see that you have patience and you persevere in something to make it grow just like you would in your 'new relationship' with her. If she was madly in love with you at some stage then it'll be hard for her to move on in few months so use your NC period to rediscover yourself and move away from negative things in your life, if something isn't working out then change it and in your case now, your first priority is a new job. I hoe this helps I'm no expert good luck :)
Rihanna,
No words to say thanks to you, I think you know how it feels when some you love madly and some one who loves you madly leaves you after 7 years of relationship and when you are in some other country too. I will try to do what you have said. I am surprised how did you know my ex likes to grow plants?you gave me good idea. you know just few weeks back she had no other man but now suddenly when she got my hand written letter she said now she has one. and she is in love , i cant understand it. dont know if she is just lying to get rid of me or he is really having some one. I am crying like a kid, im grown up adult but my heart is like a kid's heart, I just want to save my ex love my ex and die for her. i have no plans to cheat her or leave her. but why she didnt understand it? i moved to Austria and she was happy I got engineering project . im by project chemical engineer. and she was thinking to move with me to Austria. I am like a kid now, i cant take this pain
Ali, don't worry about the other guy in her life do NC and focus on yourself. I don't think it can be serious if he just appeared suddenly. I don't know why I thought of plants, I don't like plants much hahaha... But my ex had a plant in his studio and he said it's been growing since we got together so maybe I thought of 'plant' subconsciously and now I wonder if my ex's plant is still growing or not :( ... You can't get your ex back if she sees you desperate like this cos it's unattractive to women, she wants to see that you're growing strong and that you can be responsible towards her in a relationship. I hope kevin gives you his advice cos I'm no expert like him but I think NC will do you great and will make you feel better. Good luck :)
Rihanna,
I am not able to decide whether I should do the NC here in Austria or go back to Finland in the city I was living with my ex? because I have to decide about it urgently. Because I am like 100% sure the actual reason she broke up was like she mentioned too about long distance relationship is I was not in Finland even when my project ended here in Austria.This forum is so helpful here I feel I m not alone who is going through this pain.I screwed everything up when I was in NC for 3 months almost and then aftershe contacted me through email and said ( set me free like I am setting you free) but i started pleading and begging again.you know my ex never liked younger than her man and she said to me that man should be older than woman but now after break up she said ( why to take 8 years older when I can get 7 years younger) I don't understand this behavior at all.is she missing me a bit?she told me that she said bad things about me to her Mom too and her Mom said Ali is not worthy of being her son, why did she call me names and threatened me to contact police if I don't stop texting her?so much hate, but what did I do wrong?
Ali,
I can sense that your gf is still in love with you but she's angry at you for some reason. Anger and love are two different things, you need to do NC again and this time Do Not act clingy or needy even after NC cos that will ruin all the hard work you've done. You need to take a huge step back. During NC you need to show her that you've improved and taking my advice from earlier about doing things you love then doing things you don't necessarily love, like the plant idea will probably make her see a different side of you, a new and improved you. But until that happens you need to stop texting and begging and crying and you need to start applying the steps Kevin suggests. Since you're not working in Austria and most of her issues with you is the long distance you may want to consider going back to Finland, but don't make drastic changes for her sake do it for your own sake! I repeat, DO NOT MAKE DRASTIC LIFE CHANGES FOR HER SAKE! because if all else fails you'll only feel more disappointed and you don't need to become her doormat either. You really need to do NC probably more than anyone else on this site cos you seem a bit confused and lost. Your NC should be bit longer than 30 days because you seem to have a lot of feelings in this and you must use LOGIC rather than feelings in your situation. I know you want her and I sense she hasn't moved on with her childish comments about men being older vs younger (she's never gonna date someone that much younger than her if she's into men and not boys) I'm similar to her and yes I can get someone much younger than me cos I look much younger myself but if it's not my thing then I'm not ever gonna change not even to piss off my ex who is many years older than me as well! And don't worry about her mom the fact that she's still talking about you is a very good sign that she hasn't moved on. If she was going out with another guy like she said she is she'd be telling her mom about her new relationship and not be talking about you, so there that's proof she's not seeing anyone. Why would anyone be talking about an ex and a failed relationship if they've moved on to a great new relationship? She has no one! You need time away to make her feel like she misses you and time away for you to work on yourself. I would say 3 months NC and for a 7 year relationship I doubt she'd move on (especially if she's a good girl like you say). Good Luck!
Dear Ali,
I have read your story. Its truly painful.
To my understanding your pain has many sources. First one is your ex. Second one is the fact that you have no jobs right now! It hurts every man! Third one is that you are probably away from your friends and family in Finland! They all have added together but you think this big pain is from your losing your girl.
Lets imagine if you had your girlfriend but you were still jobless. Would you still feel pain? If it was me, I would. So does Rihanna's boyfriend.
Ali, it is true that we are civilized and work on computers, but psychologically, for most women if not all, a man should act manly to be attractive. Women don't want boys who cry but they want men who would cuddle them if they cry. This is the idea that women lived with for centuries!
Ali, you need some time to reverse the trend of the story. In fact, by becoming a successful man, you should make her think "why did she break up with you?". You should make her think that she was wrong from the beginning.
Don't worry, most of the women don't take younger men really serious! Every woman has their type of man just like us. Her type won't change suddenly after 7 years! I promise you!
For now, you better know, you should find a good job. In addition if you haven't join gym and work as hard as you can! You need to kill time. Also, workout so hard that you don't get any extra energy to think about your ex. Its said that healthy mind is in healthy body! With a healthier mind, you can have better performances in interviews too! Go to parks and play outdoor games! I play volleyball with my friends apart from the gym! Every time, there is a stranger to play with us. Don't worry if you don't have any friends around make some friends!
Love yourself, others will also love you!
Dara, Amen to that! I agree with you 100% ...
Ali, please be compassionate towards yourself, breathe and plan things one step at a time. My thoughts are with you
Thank you Rihanna! Hope you are doing well!
Edward,
I see thoughtful comments from you here but you hardly give an example from your own breakup. Also, I know good knowledge (or understanding) does not mean good application. Now if you don't mind, I am eager to know how did you breakup and where do you stand now! Thanks dude!!
Hi Dara,
You're right, someone having good knowledge doesn't mean that they will apply it.
That's because it's hard to, but it is one step towards the right direction. It's
been 4 months since my break up, and at first it was rough. Like most of you
guys, I felt the need to contact her to find out what went wrong. I just want to
fix the situation and everyday I just want to go back in time just a little. I was miserable and I was the only one initiating contact. I've tried NC for 5 days and found out she was going out with someone 2 weeks after our breakup. Although she didn't admit that she was dating him or in a relationship with him, the fact that they were holding hands devastated me. Since then, I've been chasing her for 2-3 months, showing her that I love her and trying to hangout with her. I've given her a handwritten letter, telling her my feelings before she went back home for summer.
All this time, I was still using this site and reading Kevin's comments. I was
slowly improving my attitude one day at a time. Last month was when it really hit
me. After talking friends, and rereading Kevin's guides, it's like a switch turned on and I realized that I don't need her to be happy. Although I still really wanted to be with her,
I think that I am more important. I've done so much already and if she doesn't
see or appreciate that then maybe she doesn't deserve me. I needed some self-
respect and know I deserve better. So starting last month, I've been focusing
more on myself, working out, cooking and just enjoying life and doing the things
I love to do. When I felt confident and happy, I gave her a call and see how
things were. For the past couple of weeks, she's been initiating contact with me
and showing signs that she misses me. When my summer school is over, I plan on visiting her and taking her to fun places. There's so much I want to talk to her about regarding our future and relationship, but I think it's worth saving for when we actually meet. While I am with her, I will be deciding whether I should be in a relationship with her or not, but right now I'm just focused on my goals and living happily. After being in a relationship for 3 years, I've almost forgot the feeling of being single again. So yeah, that's my story for now, and I can tell you that this is a different feeling of happiness that comes from love. I'll updated you guys if anything happens between us (:
Edward,
I truly admire your confidence now! I can see it from the way you comment on different posts! I believe with this knowledge you will have a good relationship no matter it be with this girl or any other!
About my case, I believe that I am moving on! My emotions still like her but my logic finds her ruthless! Last night I dreamed about her! When I woke up, I thought about calling her! Fortunately, this feeling passed in 2 or 3 minutes! Don't mistake! That dream was just an incident! It probably because she wanted to make eye contacts with me last 2 times saw her and I avoided it. Before sleeping, I thought about the eye contacts! Emotions overtook my me while sleeping!
I know that my feelings are not intense after about 75 days of NC and I am looking forward to date girls to see if they can be good girlfriends. This is what I am concentrating on these days! She was good but unfortunately she was bad too!
Thanks Dara, I do feel more confident than before haha (: It's great to see that you can see not just the good, but also the bad aspects of your ex. I feel like break up shouldn't always be at one person's fault, a relationship didn't work out because both people has made their share of mistakes. I'm glad your mind is as clear as mine, it's important because we can make better decisions this way.
OOPS!! I had to mention that 50% of the issues were created by me! You are right! One person cannot be responsible for the problems!
its great to see you are doing great Edward.i believe you are a confident person.it was kinda like my story in some cases like way of handling post-breakup and that its for months after the breakup. but i didn't go that well i really ruined every step i took with my anger like every time.but i'm sure you know what you are doing .
wish you best of luck
Hey guys,
Well it seems my case for getting her back is over :( Did the whole NC thing, picked myself back up and one night when we were out with friends we got talking. Seemed to go fine then I said about our break up as it seemed to go in that direction. I just asked was it all good with us during our time. She said yes it was good but she didn't actually love me and was just a face she put on when we were together (which just tore me up inside). Although she still wants to be friends and she still has me on facebook, its like I don't exist with her anymore as well with her friends (who are also my friends) who seem to just ignore me even more. Mentioned to one of them about it and they said that its hard for her at the moment as she is worried that I will be around also if we are all together and my friend just said its best if she was with them, but just her. I understood that and thought nothing much of it, but it just seems like I am now being shunted away.
I'm just both upset and angry inside now seeing as I've been told the truth and that everything I put into that relationship was for nothing seeing as I gave all my love and respect and she just kept it going just so she didnt hurt my feelings. I always thought there may have been a chance again, but now everything has gone upside down.
Aron,
I want to say something from my personal experience: moving on is the best solution for most of the breakups unless the one who broke up ask for come back and truly apologize for whatever he/she caused.
About what you ex-girlfriend said. Its just a cliche. She said it to make you angry. Yet, I don't want to give you hopes but I remember that an ex-girlfriend broke up with me 3 years ago because I neglected her. Then she told me that she never felt like I was her boyfriend and she never loved me! It hurts at that moment! Guess what! I got emails and skype calls from her until 6 months ago on how she misses me! I have heard this sentence in most of my breakups and they really don't mean anything but frustration! If they did never loved me so how did they spent their time with me or slept with me?
I wish you the best in moving on and in attempts in starting a new relationship!
Aron,
I also want to add that I believe you still have chances, but I am afraid that this On/Off will continue for ever!
Hi Dara,
thank you for your reply. I understand that what she said to me was cliche and typical for a break up/after break up. I mean during the actual 'talk' we had she just said she loves me as a friend, that I deserve someone better but thanking me for letting her see there is nice guys out there. This is what confuses me but I know I cant make someone love me again.
She seems to be carrying on with her life as normal, as am I, but even though she wanted to be 'friends' its like we are total strangers now. And as I stated in the original post its even affecting our other friends.
All my hope, trust and respect has gone from me now after being lied to and led on like I have done. Just upsets me that after everything I did to give her an actual loving and decent relationship, she faked it, only saying that the time we went to Vegas for our friends wedding was the only time she felt something for me (and we were together for almost a year).
This has changed me alot and as I mentioned to Edward, has put my barriers up even higher and harder than before, my depression has hit an all time high with me taking medication for it.
Just that one glimmer of hope I had has now been taken away. I always asked her when she was stressed or depressed if there was anyway it is to do with our relationship, but she just said 'no we're fine, you've got nothing to worry about.'
I'm sick and tired of being lied to all the time :(
Hi Aron,
After breakup, I've asked myself that before, if everything I put into my relationship was for nothing. Was all the love, respect, and care for her all for nothing?
Aron, happiness comes from within and I believe you will find it one day. When you do find it, you will see that you won't need her to feel happy. All this love and respect that you've given her was a part of who you are. People will find that attractive, and you know you can give it to that special person. When I had that same thought, I thought to myself that I deserve better. Someone who can appreciate who you are and respect the love and kindness you give. There is always a chance, life is full of opportunities.
Hi Edward,
thank you for the reply. It just feels like everything we did was pointless and even when she was 'happy' around me it was just for show. When she said to me I deserve better but thanked me for letting her know there are actual nice guys out there, it just put me in a position of confusion.
For me now it has put my barriers up and my trust has gone for anyone, I'm on medication now too and it has put me in a delicate position.
It just upsets me even more so that even when she did say she loved me it wasn't true and that I was led on. I did everything for her (cleaning her flat whilst she was at work so she didnt have to worry when she got back, looked after her cat, made sure she was happy and not stressed etc) and I was always there for her to give support.
I have been in a few relationships in my lifetime (being 27 now) and this one I felt right in as we had so much of the same going on and I never actually felt like this before with someone. Now I have lost everything in myself with trust and respect.
I just hope something can come out of the blue which is more positive.
Aron,
We all have tough times after we get out of a relationship. You don't know why she acted the way she did and all of these misleading signals. I would start NC until you find happiness in yourself. Giving her the space she needs will realize what you've done for her and what she is missing. You've done all you can already and have given her all your love. If she doesn't appreciate that, you know you deserve better. I'm sure one day she will understand, but first you must take care of yourself. You are more important and I think you should love yourself first before anyone else.
I don't understand..I've left a comment a couple of times but I don't see them anywhere... ?
Julie,
I am sorry but I can't find your comment. Please post again and read the comments guidelines before posting.
I met my ex on fb one year ago.We used to go in the same school but didn’t know each other in person,though I always had a crush on him.Our last year I had tried to add him,he accepted me and showed interest but I was too coward to meet him when I had the chance,the he closed his fb and I had forgotten him till last year when I found his new profile and decided to add him.Once again,he accepted, he showed interest again,we exchanged phone numbers soon and ever since we talked and texted every day for 3 months.He was working in another city so we only met last september when he came here for his sister’s wedding.We even have arranged to go to Rome together and he had more than once talked me about marriage!A saw him about 5 times but after 2 weeks or so he started being strange,probably because he has family issues, and I admit I was so terrified I put him a lot of pressure..He left again at some point,after a while we talked,then he stopped answering and the same again.He returned here to stay,but again didn’t say anything about us.When I had lost every hope I found some sites, I decided to do NC,it worked,he messaged me once, I didn’t answer, then after 30 days I tried my First text,it went very good!after 3 days he texted me First and so I followed the plan.At some point he kind of did a jealousy scene cause he saw me with my cousin,though he got a bit mad and denied it when I said he cared about me.2 weeks later about xmas,he implied he wanted to see me,and during new year's eve we were texting each other all the time.He even said he was looking forward to our trip,that he liked me etc..After that at some times he was cold and hot at times,we met once at end of january, at his house where he introduced to his family as his ‘girlfriend’.I tried to talk to him about what is going to happen between us and he kind of didn’t answer.Ever since he was kind neutral and when the time of the trip came, we didn’t go cause he couldn’t leave his job while he said that we can’t be together and we wont be!I didn’t talk to him about 40 days after that.meanwhile he had closed his FB.I tried text him he didn’t reply 2 times.In the third text he started asking me things on his own.For a while we talked,he was friendly,we even talked on the phone after a long time! then he never wished me on my birthday,he didn’t reply when I wished him on his. Again I tried after a while talk to him,he was possitive,then he wouldn’t answer again! Meanwhile he owes me the money for the trip which I asked and he said he has some difficulties and a girlfriend!I asked him for how long and he said 2 months. I told him I also have a bf and that I’d like to remain friends. Now my friend beleives he’s lying about the gf. But on Monday I tried to text him ‘May I ask you sth?’,he replied in less than 5 min. and after another 5 again saying ‘tell me now cause I’m with my gf and I don’t want any misunderstandings!’. I was shocked,didn’t reply anything, yet about 35min later I checked on fb and saw him on Chat from cell. I waited and at night I send him a text saying I didn’t want to disturb earlier and that sth happened that scared me, so I wanted to say some things. I thanked him for the support he gave me last summer, I apologized if I crossed the line some times and said I’m glad we know each other. He didn’t reply..
so could you answer these: a)do you think I did well texting that?
b)do you think there’s a gf indeed and if she could be a rebound?
c)why can he possibly not giving me the money, cause I'm sure he has an amount of them. And what can I do from now on?
a) I am not sure but it didn't do any harm.
b) He could be lying. No one can say for sure. It's hard to say if she'll be a rebound since you two only had long distance relationship and it seems you were invested in him way more than he was invested in you.
c) That's hard to say. Perhaps he thinks he can get away without giving you the money.
I'll be honest with. Your chances are very less. It seems you are invested in him way more than he ever was invested in you. You can try doing NC and getting back in touch. But you should only try getting back with him one more time. If things don't work out, move on.
I know but at first,I was the one who wanted to end things cause I noticed he pressed like in many girls, but he was the one who chased me, changed my mind and promised he wouldn't do that if it bothered me and so he did, That's why after that I invested in him,cause I beleived he was honest.And so I beleive he wouldn't steal the money. I really can't explain why, but I know he wouldn't. I can't see why he would be lying about the gf though.. stil he seems to be doing the opposite things from what he did when we were together..I'm confused, what could I possibly do? he wont talk..
I know but at first,I was the one who wanted to end things cause I noticed he pressed like in many girls, but he was the one who chased me, changed my mind and promised he wouldn’t do that if it bothered me and so he did, That’s why after that I invested in him,cause I beleived he was honest.And so I beleive he wouldn’t steal the money. I really can’t explain why, but I know he wouldn’t. I can’t see why he would be lying about the gf though.. stil he seems to be doing the opposite things from what he did when we were together..I’m confused, what could I possibly do? he wont talk..
Hey,
So my boyfriend and I just broke up like a week ago. And its been really hard cuz we have been around each and have all the same friends. I understand that we needed some space because I was very clingy. But I feel like his friend push this to do this to me. I know he had some part in it thou. He said that I don't deserve him and I can't make him happy. Because I was around too much and stuck everything out of our relationship. And its hard who I can trust to talk about things cuz our friends are in the middle of it. I'm trying to give him space but I know this is a problem that can be fixed. We talked once out of the week and he just annoied all the things I said and was being stubborn and of course his friend was over. So it made it harder. How can I get him alone and talk? And win him back?
Follow the plan.
Hi abby,
Think about what he said that was the problems in your relationship. If you know that this is a problem that you can fix then you have to show it to him with your actions. By going no contact, you'll be able to see the problems more clearly and will know how to fix it. If you want to talk to him without being annoying, you will have to let him contact you, and NC will make him miss you. You have to prove to him that you can make him happy and that he does deserve you without being needy.
Hi Kevin,
I sent you in a comment a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to find your response. I think I stuck to the guidelines... would you like me to resend it?
Yes. Post it here. Thanks.
Me and my ex-girlfriend were on long distance relationship towards the end. I am miserable right now for obvious reasons but I want to know what exactly i should do? She is continuously been posting her photos on facebook and going out with her friends and even dating. Please help me out here.
You should do no contact and concentrate on yourself. Stop looking at her facebook. If you can't help it, unfriend her. Read steps 2 and 3.
Hi Kevin and community,
I am 27 and my ex is 26. I was in a relationship with a fantastic girl for 5 years (7 if you count college, we didn't really count it). Starting after college, we had 3.5 years that were amazing where she was in law school and I started my career, we were both "each other's types." We traveled everywhere and started planning our lives and future together. But life got in the way and circumstances kept us from taking the next step and moving in together.
Somewhere in there I changed from the confident college athlete to a needy person that got jealous of her spending time with other people even though I knew she would never cheat on me. I let my own identity fall by the wayside as I attached my value to the relationship and its success. Arguments started popping up about a year ago and we stopped having as much fun as we used to when we were together (most of the time it was great still, but 25% of the time it stunk).
Then she got placed in another city for her job. We tried the distance thing knowing full well we had small odds... I wish we would have ended it then before people (me) got hurt. After 6 months of trying my hardest to keep it together with lots of visits and working remotely from her town a few days a week, I finally let her know my needs were not being met in the relationship, that I needed more... and in that conversation a lot of things got said that we had both been keeping from each other, like how I resented her for moving, she resented me for smoking marijuana, etc. She broke up with me that morning which was about a month ago. I get a mixed bag of people in my life telling me I need to move on, people saying what we had was too good to give up on, and friends in current relationships saying "if you guys didn't make it, how are we supposed to?"
Since the relationship I told her I know why we can't be together but I'd like to try again sometime later if things change. She told me she doesn't see anything changing for a year and a half until she can request a transfer because she knows she can't give me the relationship I want. Everything about the breakup has been cordial by all accounts, but I have been absolutely miserable, like an addiction I had cold sweats and panic attacks (my evident attachment has been scary to face). I had a moment of neediness before I found your website and asked her if she thought we could get back together even with the distance, she said yes but it's not worth speculating right now, and I still felt miserable even though I got the answer I wanted. The last we spoke was almost 2 weeks ago and I plan on doing AT LEAST 30 days of NC, probably 45. In the last month I have quit smoking, been working out almost every day, and seeing a therapist about my attachment issues.
She wants to get together and get some ice cream in the middle of August when she is in town, and there is a concert in September we will run into each other too. Do you think I should send her a letter before getting ice cream, but after NC? Should I even send the letter at all in my case? Is an ice cream date even a good idea? Is trying to get back together before the circumstances change even a good idea?
Sorry for the essay, it was a complicated breakup.
Hi Mike,
your story is very similar to mine in parts especially the LD part and I know how hard it can be. I know how hurtful it is when we don't get the relationship that we expect from the ones we love and for that reason I think it's not a good idea to get back together before you do the changes because you will find yourselves back at square one with a new break up... that's what my ex told me on the phone last night and I did agree with him, though it's sad. I think NC will do you great, take some time off and work on yourself and that will also help with your attachment issues. The ice cream is great but not during NC in my opinion. If the date is after your NC then you should, at least you would've jumped a few steps and gone straight from NC to face-to-face meet up (as friends only of course). If that's the case then, I don't think a letter is necessary at all if you already planned to see each other and do NOT call it a date. I think you have a chance and I hope Kevin agrees that you do. Good luck and Big bravo for quitting smoking ;)
Right now we have been broken up for 5 weeks, with 2 full weeks of NC. What changes would you be referring to, mine or the distance? I think if we did get back together while being 3 hours apart it wouldn't be until months and months from now, because I agree, changes need to be made if I am to keep her permanently. I know this time frame doesn't really agree with Kevin's process but I think work with a therapist to get over my attachment issues will take some time. Basically I just want the highest odds of being with her when I'm an old man, that's the end goal!
You should have seen the breakup, it was a disaster. I, in 7 years of knowing her, had never seen her cry until that morning (crazy, I know).. and she was balling uncontrollably, she completely lost control of her emotions for the first time ever. That's kind of how I knew it was over so I walked out and did the long drive home, heartbroken. In the first couple weeks she said some inappropriate things like how much she misses me and how she can't see herself with anyone else, which I reciprocated but told her its not fair to tell me that now. In a nutshell, she is just very busy with her work and forming a new life in her new town and I think my emotions became too much and overwhelmed her. She told me she just doesn't want me waiting around for her to either move back or to take me back, or devise a plan to get us to back together... she wants me living my life to the fullest. She said she plans on "being single for quite a while" because she thinks she can't be anyone's girlfriend right now. The toughest thing for me to ponder though, is how am I supposed to go on dates and be engaged in meeting new women when I know in both my head and heart that she's the only one I want?
All of our friends are mutual at this point, but one of her closer friends told me that my ex's idea to get ice cream would be a great idea... but I will NOT call it a date! By mid-August I should be at 5-6 weeks of NC. I can tell it's working a little because I've gotten word from other friends that she's asking how I'm doing. The thing is, caring about each other is not the issue, it's being in a relationship that works for both people.
Kevin do you have any thoughts on the letter or anything else?
I forgot to mention, I appreciate the thoughtful response, Rihanna.
Hey there,
We were together for a year and broke 6 months ago. I applied no contact rule 2 times and after each time I contacted her ( used the magict letter) and she was angry, the last time ( week ago) she was angrier than ever and accused me of everything. I have not cheated or her or sth really bad. I thought that for 6 months this anger and hatred will go away, what should I do?
Hey,
Well, if it's not gone away after six months, it's possible that she has some deeper issues and it won't go away until she deals with those issues. You can wait another six months and try contacting her again, but at this point I'll recommend you concentrate on moving on.
I forget to mention that each time and I contacted her there was a push/pull and hot and cold behaviour.
Moreover she is in depression ( but not only because of me, no friends, appearence and etc). Can I help her out of this depression or no?
Hey,
To be honest, you can try to be her knight in shining armor and try to save her from her depression, her issues, her unhappiness, her anger etc. But in my experience, these cases usually end with both partners being unhappy and eventually breaking up again. So, again, my recommendation will be to move on. She has issues. She is unhappy in her life. And you can't change that. Only she can. Only she can decide to be happy in her life. You can't decide that for her. You will be much better off finding someone who is already happy in her life and build a healthy relationship with her.
Hi Kevin and friends,
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. He told me "he wants new things in life now and they're not the same as my wants anymore." He didn't tell me what the new things are because he didn't want to see me be a doormat. He told me he no longer has feelings for me and is ready to move on. He thought the relationship was getting unhealthy because he had to "convince" himself that he was happy with me. If he had to do that then it means he wasn't truly happy with me. He doesn't want to be friends for at least a year or two, and he's even deleted me off of Facebook (ouch) because "he doesn't want to knkw what's going on in his exes' lives." I made the mistake by texting him right after the breakup because I "forgot to tell him something." That went on for a while but eventually he told me he was extremely uncomfortable with talking to me at that moment. I've completed NC with no slips and have been talking to a lot of new guys and I have to say I feel a lot better! He has not reached out though.
He went to Spain alone for a trip for three months and said that changed him. He believes that nothing will make the relationship work anymore. Because HE changed, doesn't matter how I better myself, it won't work as he wants different things now... or at least that's what I think.
He's very in touch with is emotions. He has a lot of discipline and self control. His will power is super strong, as in I feel like if he wants to move on, he will.
What would you suggest? Is there any hope?
All the best,
Vee
Hi Vee, it's very hard dealing with someone who likes control and discipline all the time and I know how tiring it gets sometimes. But look at the upside of things, at least he's told you straight up about his feelings and isn't playing mind games with you. He's not stringing you one day he's in and the next he's out I respect him for that. I suggest since you've done the NC, he also needs to know that you have accepted the breakup and have moved on but I don't think in your case you should do it in a letter form. Perhaps with your 'something remind me of you' text you would mention briefly that you've moved on in a subtle way like a good text would be in one of Kevin's examples "I had a movie date and one romantic scene reminded me of you, it made me smile"... something similar to that will show him that you're not after him to get back with him and that it's ok to be friends cos you've moved on... Good luck
Hello Rihanna,
See the thing is I've not tried contacting him after a month of NC, so technically I am still in NC haha! The main reason being I want to heal fully before I contact him. I don't want to be hurt again. We will for sure cross paths in the future (same university) and I would love to use the summer to work on myself. Another reason why I've not contacted him is because I lost my phone and had to get a new number shortly after we broke up... if I contact him I'd have to re-introduce myself hahaha! That would be weird... I've actually lost a lot of things after the breakup, as if it was naturally a phase for me to let go of things!
All jokes aside I can feel that NC gets easier with every passing day. Sometimes I still wake up with an empty feeling in my heart but I can now see very clearly that I don't NEED this or any man in my life to feel complete and happy. However like I said to a.z in a different post, I don't want to shut out from any chances of reconciliation with my ex as I do still have feelings for him. I would love to try the "something reminded me of you" texts but I just feel like I need to continue NC for a little bit longer ie. until school starts (and I see him on campus) in September.
Do you think this is a good plan Rihanna? :)
Best,
Vee
Also Rihanna,
He is a very sensitive man and has a big heart. He gets attached easily and deeply yet doesn't sulk over .or regret the past... he believes that things happen for a reason. Confusing? I know. :(
Vee
Well here it goes!
My boyfriend and I were together for 8 months and had a really solid, loving relationship. Throughout our relationship, he was always the one progressing things. Said I loved you first, always showered me with love and affection, surprised me with thoughtful gifts, talked about marrying me, was close with my parents, etc. We are different religions (which was never an issue) and he even recently asked me what religion we are going to raise our future child. We were planning vacations with his sister, everything was nearly perfect, we rarely ever fought. But then it all fell apart.
I saw an inappropriate text on his phone where he invited his assistant over to his house late one night. Obviously I was devastated. Also a little background, his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and it ruined him, it is his biggest fear. He would always tell me “if you want to cheat on me, just break up with me instead. I will do the same, cheating is evil and takes a part of your soul” Then all the sudden he nearly cheats on me! As it turns out, the girl did not come over and nothing happened. But that doesn’t take away the intention. I confronted him about it and he was really upset, claimed he was really drunk, she was hitting on him, he wasn’t thinking clearly, and he would never do anything to hurt me. But then he also mentioned that he was starting to worry about how serious our relationship was and he used that situation as a scapegoat I guess. That shocked me because he was always the one leading the charge.
I am 32 and he is 30 and quite simply, he’s not sure if he’s ready for marriage and that’s the path we are on. But as he took a look inside himself to try and figure out why he was so scared, he basically unearthed all these issues that he had been suppressing for a long time (childhood issues with his parents, trust issues, etc.) and it was like a volcano erupted. He kinda had a nervous breakdown in front of me and realized he was messed up and needs help. We broke up because he decided he needed to go to therapy to figure out why he’s self-sabotaging himself and is so afraid of commitment when I’m everything he ever wanted (his words!). He said breaking up was a “necessary evil” so he can sort things out. Although it’s cliché, he kept saying that it really isn’t me at all, it’s all him, his issues, and I agree. I have done nothing wrong.
So here we are 2 months later and I haven’t contacted him at all. A few weeks ago he texted me late at night that he “wants to see me again” “is sorry” and “never wants to see another woman” but then the next day he said he had been drinking and shouldn’t have sent that text because he needs more therapy but that he “thinks about things all the time” and was having a “lonely vulnerable moment.”
I’m just heartbroken because I thought this man was my soulmate and who I was going to marry. There is a part of me that feels like he’s taking the necessary healing steps and maybe he’ll come around but there’s a part of me that realizes that I can’t force him to be ready and he may NEVER be ready (even though at one point he said losing me would be the biggest regret of his life). I also talked to his older sister about this and she says that she thinks he is making a huge mistake, I’m the best thing to ever happen to him, and she will continue to advocate for me.
Anyway what do you think? Do I have any chance at getting him back one day?? Thanks in advance for your insight!
Hi Diana,
I admire your patience as I haven't seen you chasing him back from your story. It seems to me that whenever he drinks too much, things start going downhill. If you are ready, I think you can contact him to have a talk with him. You were considering marrying him and that is a big commitment. When he has mentioned about therapy, trust and childhood issues, let him know that you are there for him, be supportive. If you don't show signs of jealousy, anger, or any bit of resentment, he will feel grateful for having you in his life. People make mistakes, and it's important that they learn from it. If he is really worth it to you, be the angel on his side that guides him out of his problems.
Hey thanks for the reply Edward! I'm doing everything in my power to be strong, I've joined new groups, made new friends, I defriended him from Facebook (seeing him out and about was just too much) and I've been dating but there's still an overwhelming sadness and the feeling that nothing compares to him. I miss him so deeply but I worry that he doesn't miss me? Or worse, that he's moved on? You're absolutely right that drinking is an issue. I don't think he's an alcoholic or anything but I think he's afraid of feeling certain emotions and he hides behind a drink from time to time (not all the time!). That would certainly be something I'd address if we were to get back together... I was nothing but supportive when he started talking about his issues but ironically one of those issues is he doesn't know how to have a support system. He's been pretty independent his whole life so he doesn't know how to rely on someone and be supported. He actually said "I've never had a support system so why would I need one now?" Obviously we all need a support system but that's why I'm trying to give him his space and not chase, let him figure it out on his own, but quite frankly - IT SUCKS! They say timing is everything and clearly we are not on the right timing :( I don't want to reach out yet as even if he's in therapy (which I hope he is but I don't know if he's actually going) he needs more than 2 months to make any progress. Maybe I'll wait it out another month or so but I was thinking of reaching out to his sister sometime soon. She previously told me she's always here for me as a friend and she has never told him about our talks. What do you think?
Hi everyone!
I'd like to know what I did wrong? My ex sent me a painting he just did as a translation for one of my poems and I can tell he's spent time on it but it's for HIS own good too. So I texted him sometime later saying 'it's beautiful. how are you' then I told him, 'I wrote a new piece to inspire your new project and something about it. Then I said to check it as I sent it on fb' he hasn't replied and he hasn't 'seen' the poem on fb either! I was on whatsapp few hours later and so was he but decided to ignore him since HE is ignoring me and I DON'T KNOW WHY? what did I do to upset him? I'm so over this crap seriously, if he wasn't the one involving me in his art and asking me to keep going with my writing and my life plans I would just mind my own business cos I'm sick sick sick of these little games. and I'm sick of hearing him say he's in pain and sick, obviously he's good enough to work on a new project and painting so when he's feeling good he should be more polite and talk to me or answer me, there's no need to play hard if that's what he's doing cos we're JUST FRIENDS! He has big ego and doesn't show his emotions and this 'hiding of emotions for men' IS a cultural thing. So what should i do now? do NC again? ignore him? this is crap! if we are really friends then we should act like friends, not ignore each other and all that crap... it makes me question his intentions. What does he want?????
Chill down Rihanna! Its like he did not initiate contact with you. That's all! Remember that you also did not initiate contact with him!
Rihanna, don't torture yourself with negative thoughts! Maybe he is looking for the best words to thanks you with! Remember that negative thoughts are relationship-killer!
Rihanna,
Remember to take it slowly, you can't rush love. It is tough when you two are at long distance, remember to trust one another. It's great to hear that he's working on his goals, you should be supportive and happy for him too. I hope you're not exploding how you felt writing this to him. Even if you're not, it's not natural to feel frustrated and act happy to him. Just remember, you have a long journey ahead of you and you will create many happy moments. Take it slowly and try not to worry so much, be grateful of what life gives you, let yourself go.
Thank you Dara and Edward for your thoughts. I'm seriously upset with him, it's like whatever he does from now on I'm upset because I feel he's responsible for where my life is atm, I know it sounds pathetic me being in my 30s and I should take control of my own life but this is what's happened and i'm working on myself.
Dara, I highly doubt that he's looking for a way to thank me, he's too arrogant I think. It's amazing how we find out more about people when we step back and use logic rather than heart. I can feel that I'm not attached to him anymore or in love in the way I was when I was with him or when we first broke up cos I'm seeing things clearer now. I appreciate him working and doing pieces to please me and make me happy, but what's the point? I still don't know what he wants? He's late 30s and unstable, the only thing we both had was each other which gave us hope and fuelled us to do better in life then he stuffed it all up and now it's like, what's the point?
Edward, I'm not rushing anything let alone love. I am supportive and happy for him but I've told him he can't live like this forever, it is very unhealthy. He needs to take actions to do something else with his art, he's been saying he wants to for a while now but he hasn't taken any steps. When I said 'my life is wrong I want to change myself and my life' I enrolled in college and started studying before I ended up here in ghost town. And even then, I haven't given up and transferred my course to here. But he's still where he's at and now he's unable to do much cos of his injury. I never show him that i'm angry or frustrated since we've been speaking again after the breakup but this is also unnatural. I 'am' disappointed and why shouldn't he know that? why do we have to tip toe around our exes? And as Kevin advises, the first meet up don't mention the break up and be happy etc... that's all great but how do you pretend that there isn't a big elephant in the room? I seriously felt like exploding to him but you, Edward and Dara, have given me the courage to let the little things slide. I'll message him something remind me of you tomorrow cos it's our one year since first date, and I know he'll either respond to the message cold or he'll call and we'll talk for one hour. Then it's back to square one with him, it's tiring. Thank you both for your support and for keeping me uplifted and positive :) ... I'd like to know more how you are both progressing, haven't heard about you for a while Edward
Hi Rihanna,
I'm kind of in a similar situation with you, the long distance, friendship, and love. It's difficult to maintain a relationship while at long distance, but there are certain ways you can deal with it. Think about things that you would do when you're single, would you be minding in our ex's business and helping them achieve their goals? It's good that you are focusing your goals, but you have to let him do his on his own, it's part of their pride. It's hard when someone you care about doesn't meet your expectations. That was part of the reason why my ex left me, because I haven't been pursuing my goals.
You can't physically be there with him because you are in a long distance friendship, and yet, you still love him and want the best for him. I know you care for him, but I wouldn't interfere with his goals.. I would just focus on yours. Once you two meet, you can decide whether he's the right person for you or not.
Not everyone is compatible with each other in a relationship and if you can't cope with the way he is or the way he handles his situation, he might not be suitable in a relationship with you. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him, but I just want to let you know that it's going to be hard for him to change, he's going to have to want to make that change. It's hard because that's who he is and you either have to accept it or find someone else who is more compatible in a relationship. That is why a relationship is not all about love, they are so similar yet so different. Hope this helps!
Thank you so much Edward for all your wise advice :)
Rihanna,
Edward has made his comment so complete that I have nothing to add but to compliment him for his comment! Patience is all you need now! Good luck!
Thank you Dara :) ...
So a question, should I message him tomorrow the 'something remind me of you' cos it's one year since our first date or should I just ignore it since he hasn't replied to my messages from yesterday? I'm not expecting him to send me a text or anything cos I'll only be disappointed. In fact, I was surprised yesterday when he sent me a pic of a painting first but then he ignored my reply... umm, weird!
Rihanna,
Someone described relationship communication as volleyball game! When you pass the ball to the other team you have to wait until they send it back to you. If he has not sent your reply yet, wait for a while (say, 2 or 3 days) and then send him the message you mentioned.
Hi Kevin,
I'm in a long distance relationship for almost a year. We are friends and decided to became lovers. He ask me to marry him and proposed to me. We are always argue in a small matters. We planned for our wedding next year. All friends and family knows everything. 9months from now were going to see each other. Lately when he showed me the engagement ring he bought after two days he broke up with me. It's turning a month since the day he left me. Now, i was still confused if he still coming back to me. Thanks! I hope for your response.
Hey,
Well, first of all I'd highly recommend that you both stay together or at least close by before getting married. If you were just in a long distance relationship, you don't know him well enough to know whether or not he will be good for you once you start living together. I can't say why he broke up, and if he will come back. You can try the 5 step plan. If it works, make sure you two at least live in the same city for a while before you decide to get married with him.
Community and kevin,
What do you think is better? Though we are not friends on facebook anymore i want to get her interest. Should i public my facebook so she can see that im doing great. Or should i private it ao she cant see whats happening with me.
That's a good news Daniel! Don't public everything! Simply some pics! Let her have something to chew! By the way, there are chances that by now she has already seen you Facebook! LOL
Daniel,
If you're doing NC right now, don't worry about posting anything on FB. Just work on yourself and she will wonder where you've been and what you've been up to. Don't try to get her interest, it won't do you any good. You want make positive changes in life for yourself and not anyone else.
Hey there,
so me and my ex broke up, ive been doing NC for 8 days now! its really hard for me tho.. but giving it my best. She is with another guy officially since the day we broke up completely which was also 8 days ago. He is 6 years younger than her.. but he makes her happy atleast at the moment while i was the one who stressed her pretty much all the time because i last all sense of patience. Do you think i can get her back whatsoever? Im currently trying to live my life, working out alot, even more than i usually do and studying for my test that are going on right now. I hope by that i dont only regain my self confidence but i can also impress her that i got my life under control. For the time beeing i deleted her on any IM we used and deactivated my own FB to stop myself from checking all the time! I cant wait for the day she contacts me, even tho i know im not allowed to answer, i think it'll give me some hope or something.
Is there anything else i can do or am i doing it wrong?
please help!
You are doing the right thing Martin. You do have a chance.
Hi Kevin
My boyfriend left on friday night saying he had no confidence in our relationship. Yesterday he text me to say I have been so self absorbed for so long, why did he not mention this during the relationship if he felt it was driving him away.? Secondly, I moved country a yr ago to be with him, with that came difficulties in finding a job finding money which had its own pressures on our relationship. He has always had long distance relationships and would regularly dissappear from text ect contact when I was still living in my country.
I think he believes I will leave and go to my homeland.. its an awkward situation as I am still at out apartment and he is with his mum.. did I mention that things financially were looling up for us and we were about to start a venture together. I feel like we have had a really though year and now when we are getting places he decides he couldn't be bothered. I think he seea my personality as ugly right now but he did at one point fall for me!!
Do you think its possible to get him back?
He is a person who buries his head in the sand and is generally difficult to communicate with on a normal day. .any advice..
Thanks
Hey Louise,
I can't say for sure if it's possible to get him back but it's definitely worth a try. However, you should plan your life and what you would do assuming you won't get back with him.
Hi, guys!
I am doing something very productive today and I feel happy and responsible and a sudden thought came to me.
The last time we saw each other finally with her telling me that there is no more room for reconciliation, we exchanged phones. Because we both have a new phone so we take a good look at it. And I saw in her frequently contacted widget that she's in contact with her family and this someone who I have been sensing is a 3rd party eversince but she declined.
Take note, FREQUENTLY contacted. Before it was always her family and me on the list. Now, I am no longer on the list and was replaced by that f**** fat ass person.
I know I have not yet moved on but when I remembered that, I felt a pain in the gut and in my heart. Wow I don't know I am still that vulnerable.
I just went here to post and release this jealousy I am feeling.
Hope you are all doing good!
Thank you Raed for sharing your story it's inspiring and has helped me with my thoughts on 'jealousy' today. The main thing is that you know where you stand in this and what you want for yourself, we all feel vulnerable sometimes and days may be worse than others but this will pass. Good luck in finding someone who truly deserves you. All the very best :)
Hi, Rihanna
How did my story inspired and helped you on your 'jealousy' thoughts today? Ha ha!
I was just shocked that I somehow felt jealous and pained knowing I have been feeling good for a month now.
Right now I am preparing myself to be a best man and doing productive things while waiting for my best woman to come in my life soon.
Thank you for your encouraging words. This too shall pass. keep us updated! Have a nice day! :)
Hey Raed :)
I was asking myself whether men in general have feelings of jealousy like women do or as much. Then I asked myself, how I would feel if he found someone else or went back to his previous ex, although it's not an option for him the thought of it made me sick! I'm doing well without him and I KNOW he's playing hard to get which upsets me cos we're just friends, why send me a picture and a comment then disappear from whatsapp and fb for days? SO WEIRD! Anyway, having all the 'what if's...' in my mind is an act of jealousy. But reading your post gives me a sense of relief that men no matter how hard they can act, they also have feelings of 'deep love' and 'jealousy' and it's nice to know. I'm sorry I had to find out through you, I come from a culture where men have to act 'manly' and strong etc... but it's been an education that boyfriends hold deep love for their girlfriends too, makes me feel relieved, thanks to you and all the guys on this site.
I'm so happy for you, you're doing great and you WILL definitely meet the 'best woman' and share a life with her. You're intelligent and it's been a pleasure meeting you (and everyone here too) though the cause behind our friendships is sad lol. I'm sure you'll meet 'her' and she'll thank God a million times for her life just because she fell in love with you. Good luck Best Man :)
Keep your chin up mate :)
Its in the past isnt it, you said yourself youve been doing well since then so try not to think back to it youve been doing great since
And yes everyone gets jealous, male and females!
whats keeping me going at the moment, is re-conciliation DOES happen. I thought back to a scenario of 1 of my other ex's and this is keeping me in a "Happy Mood"...ill tell you all maybe it might help you too even if you havent had the same situation in the past :)
Basically My ex was older then me, we split, i was fine etc but then I started to miss her...She found a new bloke and I still wanted her, but left her to it.
I found another girl and life went on....Then when her and her Bloke Split up They were together about 1 and half years.
SHE! Started talking to me and asking how things were going with my gf, maybe she was going to use me as a rebound etc but we both spoke to each other and yes she tried it on.
We still talk to each other and she still has feelings for me etc thats well over 4 years since we were together...so Im keeping that in my mind. Let my current ex and your current ex do what they want, let her get with another guy/girl..i KNOW! im a good catch, I KNOW im unique, just like you all are. I also KNOW I can get another girl.
Sometimes I think I wont find anyone else like her...maybe I wont, maybe she was PERFECT for me...but if she Doesnt come back to me at all,....then she wasnt perfect for me was she?
"If someone gives up on you, when you wouldnt ever give up on them, then they are not worth it"
:)
Good luck!
wowww!! Nice to hear from you RAED! Yeah! Life sucks sometimes! I was eager to know what do you do now! I'm sure that you'll do really great one day!
Rihanna, jealousy is beyond any sex or culture! Its human nature! I can't think about any culture in which jealous men are wanted (still maybe there are somewhere)! ha ha ha... However, we work hard for a better life because this "jealousy" inspires us!
David, its a good feeling to see that there is always someone out there!
Aye it is Dara
That was for everyone not just me, but those are the thoughts im thinking to myself :D
Its happened before with my other ex....infact my 2 ex's have both somehow tried to come back into my life....Maybe it will happen with my most current ex (3rd) so there is hope :D
Everyone keep your chin up :D
That great David! I believe it is due to the fact that we have more ex than some guys here that we can handle this situation much easier. First breakups are really tough. I liked my last ex because when she was good, she was the best I had ever seen. I can't deny it!
Dara and david,
This is not my first breakup but she is mu 2nd true love. Though she was my 5th gf. I know you guys know the feeling im talking about its like you love them in a different level.
Im so having a hard time. I sometimes even picture her with her new date in my mind. Dammit.
Raed,
I know how it feels bro. You just have to accept it and focus on moving on if that is what you want. Goodluck man! Hard times shall pass. Im feeling down as of now. But i believe it will pass.
Daniel,
I am happy that you say she's your 2nd true love! It means you can have your 3rd and 4th true love too! We all need some time! That's all!
Well I have done all the mistakes that I shouldn't be doing all of them and for couple weeks and then some more including giving back a present she gave me to her apartment which made her tell me never contact me again. I was texting afterwards however. She told me I know all what I mean to you and a appreciate that. She told me once you're everything I ever wanted and in the texts after she told me I never said you are not the one but your actions proved your not because you didn't respect my word when I said no.
She even blocked me from FB but still getting my texts and said do you want me to block you and push you away?..... The circumstances that made her breakup have changed however. I believe chances of getting this Girl back are so minimal. I was so depressed and stupid I admit it I looked weak needy and all. Past can't be changed, the plan stay the same though NC that in my case should be like six months, then the email and indeed accept that it's all history. What made me do all those stupid thing is I had a stupid mentor that brought all the negative thoughts and ideas inside of me which pushed me more and more. I wish I came across here much earlier.
Frank,
Foget it. What's done is done. Just focus on yourself and move on. If ever after atleast 6mos you still want her. Then try to contact her but sont expect toouch. I wish you the best.
Hi
Me and my ex spilt in march. He started a new relationship.
I done all my research on this. Then we texted and chat and email.
We met twice in three times in two. Weeks.
We met yesterday and the conversation was very odd.
We both have feelings for each other yet there seems to be something in the way, if it's the other person or something else.
Is there anyone who can help with this barrier?? Please?
Hope this gets published as I could do with some advice.
Hi brett,
I would follow the plan, go NC for 30 days. Find happiness without him, he will miss you and if he contacts you during NC, tell him you need time to think about it. In the end you will know if he is worth being with. I know you both still have feelings for one another, but he needs to be willing to work it out with you. After NC, contact him and you will get a reply soon.
Hi,
Thanks for reply.
I applied the no contact , done a massive diary and made massive changes for good .
We said we. Miss each other and can't be friends or friends with benefits.
It's complex as he revealed yesterday that he thinks I want to take him back and then have revenge on him and dump him. But this isn't true .
On Saturday we texted and I left it with no reply and there was no need for one , I text the next day and he asked what I been doing and where did I go and on Sunday asked where I was . So if I do another 30 days nc won't he believe I don't want to know and showing off or miss me or move on even more .
I even was asked why I didn't text him goodnight on Saturday .
Any comments please , thanks for replying I glad of help now
Let's do a better reply now I got five mins.
It's complex as he said he loves me, my mind , body and everything, we send YouTube videos of what we feel , messaged and yet when to talk he claims up.
I know it's hard to talk about it cause of being embarrassed , he thinks I want him back to I can dump him for revenge ..totally untrue .
Before we said goodbye yesterday we said I love u , this does mean something, I find it very hard to break this barrier with him.
We did chat aboutt he current partner and I made a joke about it , which he laughed at . He said he doesn't really mind about dumping him , so this means either there's feelings for me or I don't know, help me on that one.
The no contact was applied and I done great , it nearly killed me but I done it. It worked as he scammed my fb and saw I had been to the gym and grew some serious arms and six pack.
He asked me if I met anyone two weeks ago , I said no I hadn't which was true. I recently went on a date and this person is a nice chap . When my ex asked me if I met anyone I said yeah I went on a date , not to make them jealous just truthful. By his face he was gutted as he said before he be gutted if I'd found anyone else yet keeps me just on the outside or so it seems or can't express o r do anything about his situation.
Sorry this is so long but I do talk a lot
Thanks
Hey Brett,
Keep doing what you're doing to be happy. Let him worry about his problems, give him time and space to do that. He's not sure whether getting back to you is a good idea or not yet. You don't have to prove to him that you're worthy of being his gf again. When you meet up with him, just be yourself and be happy. Don't worry about his feelings, be the better ex, don't let the negative feelings bring you down.
Hey.
Thanks for the reply.
So the best thing to do is keep up the messages, gym etc? Not get too heavy?
You said about not to worry about his feelings, I am trying to put myself in his shoes to see what it's like. But he won't really talk about them.
We come along way so far and I don't want to screw it up now by being to forward.
It's not the best feeling when you know he's with his new partner.
I sent a goodnight last night as we said we would but I sent it. I didn't get a reply.
It's a hard one
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago, out of the blue. I thought we were having issues, but we had discussed trying to work things out. I found out later that a friend of mine had contacted him on a private message telling him to walk away from me if he wasn't going to treat me right. I got the email that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore that night. We agree to stay in touch then he blocked me on FB. One of his friends contacted me on a private message telling me he had a girlfriend a week later. I love this man and I know he loves me , so I'd like for us to try again to make it work. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was healthy, we were happy, and we enjoyed being together and being able to be ourselves. I am in the NC period right now, but I constantly think about our fun times. I want to write a letter and send it to him after about a month of NC time. Is that the right thing to do? Should I pursue this at all? If he has another girlfriend already, do we really have an opportunity for a second chance? I am so confused as to what to do.
You do have a chance. Whether or not it's worth pursuing is for you to decide. Like I say in the article, even if he has another girlfriend it's probably a rebound and it'll end soon.
EXCELLENT ARTICLE...Im goin for 2 months no contact...i am on week 2 at the moment and in gym, getting new clothes, and meeting alot of new friends, and flirting as well.
I see where this is headed seems like great information. I am trying to get my ex-wife back, I filed for divorce then changed my mind a month in but she had not. It's been about 4 months since I wanted her back, I've begged her, her friends told her it's a mistake to leave and as recent as yesterday I asked her why she still wanted to do this and we should work it out. She said I have not changed enough, but i have. I was verbally abusive and we got into spats a lot. But i have not raised my voice or insulted her or anyone since March. I am in therapy too.
My main question is How do I do this when we share children. I see her when I pick them up or if they need help that she cannot provide.
I was trying to ignore her when I was at the house, (fixing kids computer) this frustrated her, I barley say goodbye and she said I was being weird, so that didn't seem to work in my favor. Also she does have some issues and is really not a normal rational thinking person, makes her hard to predict.
She means the world to me, Please help.
Thank you Robert
Hey Robert,
If ignoring her makes her mad, let her know that you both need some time and space and you think it's best if you both keep your communications only related to the kids. There's a good chance she will get angry and will try to get a reaction out of you. At that stage, you should maintain your calm and let her deal with her emotions. It might take time depending on how emotionally unstable she is. Whenever you talk to her, you have to stay calm and confident until no contact is over.
Also, don't tell her you've changed. Let her realize it on her own.
hi kevin,
sorry for posting again.but its urgent.
we broke up 4 months ago.i went on NC for 34 days.he contacted me.he was chasing me for more than a month.he was talked about his feeling for me alot.i said we should be just friends and he said he can never be friends with me cuz his feelings wont change and that he loves me the way he always did. after this we had another argument and he blocked me on FB. as you said i went on NC for 2 weeks util he unblocked me and then contacted me.that night he said he feels bad without me and again talked about his feelings,and asked if i'm dating anyone or i slept with someone.i was in another country that time and he kept asking when i was coming back.i ame back and he asked me to meet each other but i brought some excuses cuz i didn't want him to think i was always so interested.we were still good after that until something happened and i asked him if there is someone in his life and he said no and tried to convince me.then i said we should finish this cuz non of us can start a new relationship when we are still in each other's lives.he said he is not gonna be in a relationship or anything like that cuz he doesn't have time for it and he is not interested but its like i'm really interested in it.then i asked him if he sees me as a friend and he said yes.i asked him if he is ok with me starting a new relationship and he said no.he also said you want to get rid of me,now you are free.he texted me today and said you want to start a new relationship otherwise you wouldn't have said those things now go a head and do it. he texted my friend and said he doen't get what my point is and that i asked him to finish everything and then asked him if he sees me as a friend or not.he said these are the reasons that he is not with me now.he said he is gonna call me tomorrow.then my friend asked him if he wants to get back or not and he said no.
sorry again it was too long,i didn't know how to make it shorter.please tell me what to do i feel like he is gonna finish everything between us tomorrow.
Hi a.z
Sorry things are going so crazy for you at the moment...I can relate because it seems the guy is acting like I have in my past 2 relationships!!
Which is defintiely what I need to work out. My most current ex has asked me in the past these questions (way before we officially split this time) and I used to act like I didnt care etc which was totally wrong.
I can offer some insight, (if he is thinking like me) but if he is like me...Only he knows the real answer coz he will tell you different.
So this is exactly what I would be thinking and have done like 99% of the time myself :(
Basically he is saying he doesnt have time for a relationship etc coz he wants YOU. The reason why he is saying he doesnt have time, he doesnt want to let you know he wants you or that hes "waiting around for you"..but he doesnt want to say hes moving on so that you move on
When you asked him if he sees you as a friend, He said yes because imo what can he say? He cant see you as his gf as you are split and 1 of you has to make the step forwards. Ive also said I see someone as my friend because thats the route your pretending to portray, i was hiding my true feelings which is really bad, its only when the girl asked me more directly that i was finally honest. he could possibly be doing the same
To me, when you asked if he was ok with you starting a relationship, it sounds to him that you do want to move on and he could still be bottling up feelings.
This is all IMO and from Me personally as I can tell you now, I hid my feelings for my ex sooo many times during our relationship when we had little breakups, I bottled up and pretended I wasnt ever getting back with her, that she could go do stuff with other guys, that I could be 100% fine with friendship (when really I couldnt and I did want her). THe only reason we kept getting back together was coz she finally caved in after a week or so each time
I even did this just prior to our REAL breakup (just before my story) I pretended I was ok with the split and was cool as cucumber with friends....but she didnt come back this time...now look at me...Im posting on this site for 3 months!! ha
I only realised i was doing this when I sat and analysed my relationship and told her my feelings but then it was too late!
I know its a head mess for you! and he might not even be acting/thinking the same as me, just giving you some insight into what stubborn guys can do sometimes..especially when they think they doing the right thing ha ;)
Just relax find out what he has to say tomorrow...I dont think he will finish it, try to calmly explain that when you asked him about the friend/relationship situation you wanted to know what his feelings/intentions towards you were. If he does end it, you can come back and post what he said here.
Remember, Kevin has a section here saying that people can still love you etc...but that doesnt mean they want you back etc...so I would put a bit of emphasis on "Intentions".
Sorry I cant really help much! x
Hey A.Z,
I agree with David. There's a chance that he might be confused about whether or not you want to be with him. At this time, a heart to heart talk with him might work. Be honest about what you want and let him know what you can't be. Tell him, that you prefer to be with him and you want to be with him but you can't carry on like this since you need stability in your life. You can't wait around for him forever if he's unsure and you need to move on if he's unsure about being with you. If he chooses to let you go, then it'll be easier for you to finish it and move on.
thank you very much guys.i'm gonna post an update and i guess i need to move on.
Thank you for this guide thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quick update: Edward and Daniel I received your msg a bit late. Yesterday I texted my ex that I wanted to talk to him and since he requested previously, I took the opportunity. His response was what for? I responded some issues we needed to speak about, including my daughter. He said fine, ill let you know when. A month alone guys! It killed me. So... I called a male friend and hung out for a few hrs. I felt so good!! I was definitely thinking less of him..... Lately I've been feeling like a yoyo. I come and go when my ex pleases. I get the feeling he only textes about my daughter just to get my att, which lead me to this question: should I cut all ties? Which means, should I not allow him to visit my daughter anymore? What if he meets someone and she encourages not to see my daughter? Lets be real, she really isn't his daughter. My daughter would be crushed. I know she's only 4 but still. My friend last night told me that he probably left me to be w someone else or date girls. I was crushed at this reality. I did see a pic of a woman sitting on his lap, and flirting w girls. He's 37 at this age she should commit. Ive been on and off w him for 8 years and instead of being the main chick, I feel like the side chick. I hate that he's lingering. I think im just going to tell him to take everything that belongs to him in my apt, which is a lot, and don't contact us. This is how I feel today. Im putting my foot down. He needs to feel he lost us, hopefully that will work. And if we get back together I feel this w repeat. What do I do?
Hey Confused,
Sorry for jumping in! It really sucks to see that in 8 years of relationship, you were not the main chic! Apparently, you have also been in other relationships (for the 4 year old daughter you mentioned)! Anyway, this is not my concern! My concern is about your daughter as you are already thinking about moving on!
I guess, you are right. He is probably stringing you around through your daughter. Well, break off all ties with him and spend as much as time you can with your daughter! I believe that this is the best for both of you!! You will find the right man sooner or later when there is no ties with the past!
I agree with Dara in everything he said. You shouldn't only be the 'main' chick you should be the only one and soul mate for him and I don't think he's interested. Dara said it best, move on
Hey confused,
I think you have to go no contact, and the end you will see if he's the one that you want to be with or not. If the child is not his, I don't think he needs to see her, you're right, maybe he is just using her to get your attention. It is best if you can give him his belongings if he wants to. In order to go NC, you have to cut all ties with him. This will be really difficult for you, I hope you can do it! We are here for you, be safe and take care.
Hi Kevin,
I have already left two comments the last couple of days, but I can’t find them anywhere… Why's that?
Thanks for your help.
Cheers.
Hey,
Your comment is here. I had been away for a while and there are a lot of comments to sort out, hence the delay. Sorry about that.
Dear kevin,
First of all I want to thank you for having this site your theory has been proven to work positively and I was surprised when it worked in my situation, all thanks to you :) I sent him a letter after a month of NC and within a couple of days he called me and we talked for one hour. He was warm and charming on the phone and I was happy and confident though he confessed that he's still sick and needs more time to work out his life situation. So, we're now "friends" or just friends this is where I'm bit confused. Most of the contact I initiate and I usually allow few days in between cos I don't want to come across as 'clingy', though he's the one who confessed that his love for me will never change and that he'll always be there for me no matter what, though he's in much pain still he wants to concentrate on getting better and he talked about his future plans with me etc... He's involving me in his work for his next art project which is a big one and when we talk he's warm and I miss him. I'm confused cos it's like now what? we live in different states and though he said we must meet up and we must see each other etc... he also said he's not looking so great and he's in pain still so it's not the right time. I check his whatsapp and he's hardly on it. He's hardly on FB. He hasn't been going anywhere apart from to visit his family and most of the time he's living on pain killers. He's working a LOT less than before. I sent him a card but I didn't hear a 'thank you' from him, he used to tell me that there's no need to thank each other cos we're one unity when we were together but I like bit of politeness lol... Anyway, we're talking as friends, when I text he replies and then we arrange a time for him or I to call but on the phone, he makes me feel like he's still interested in me and shares a lot in his life with me, I can sense his pain from his voice and his illness turned out to be bit more serious than a shoulder injury :( ... So, what's next? I'm afraid we'll get complacent and just move on... it's been 3 months since we broke up. What is it that I can do now? Should I ignore him until he texts or since he's involving me in his next project should I send him ideas? I feel like I've hit a wall with him...
Hi everyone,
So, I've been in a serious relationship with this girl for 18 months. We both have each other's Facebook logins. 4 days ago, I logged in onto her account, and saw that she was flirting with this guy, who is 5-6 years older than her. This really broke me apart. Then I talked to her about this, and asked her why was she flirting with this guy that she just knew. She told me that she is having a crush on him. This was the worst part. I was never hurt like this before.
The same day, I asked her if she loves me, and she said yes. I then asked her to stop talking to the guy, and show me some respect. She said yes again, and moments later, I saw she was doing it all over again. We fought a lot this day. And then she told me she needs some time to think about it, as she as well doesn't understand why would she crush on someone if she really loves me. I said okay, take your time to figure it out. Then I started flirting with other girls on my facebook page.
However, she can't stop herself to text me, even if she says she needs time. She hasn't stopped the flirting though. My girlfriend really hurt me this time. The worse of this is that she has no true friends. For the last 18 months, I've been her only true friend and her boyfriend at the same time. We've had a lot of great moments together.
I really don't want to breakup, cause I really need her in my life. Could someone advise me ? I really need it.
Thanks.
Hey Chaz,
If you say you need her in your life, I think you should follow the plan and start NC. There is a difference between wanting and needing. You have to feel happy even though she's not in your life. You have to let her make her decision and give her the time. Meanwhile, why not work on improving yourself so that regardless if she choose you or not, you'll be happy? Give yourself sometime and you will realize what it feels like being single again. You have to accept the fact of break up and start having positive changes during NC. If you do that, you'll have a better chance of getting her back.
Hi!
What if I cheated on my boyfriend... does this still work? It was one time and I regret it more than he will ever understand.
Lost
Hey,
I can't say it'll work but it'll definitely increase your chances.
Hey Kevin,
SO my ex and I got back together.. And I told you before that the he confessed that the real reason that we broke up was he got drunk and slept with another woman about 2 months before we broke up. He regret it ever since and He said it was the biggest mistake etc. I gave him another chance. but I found out while we broken up he went out with this girl for a week he said nothing happened it was just a distraction that he didn’t even like her. I’m just having a hard time believing him but I can see that he is trying to redeem himself for me to trust him. I just have this feeling of jealously and insecurity. and I just don’t know how to deal with it right now. Probably because I’m not over it. (the mistakes that he made). & I think he still talks to the girl casually. I don’t know what to do.
Hey Aniel,
I know it's hard to trust him especially after what he's done. Trust takes time and if he is trying to regain your trust I think you should forgive him. If he cheats on you again then you know you deserve better. Instead of feeling insecure and jealous, use your effort to be happy and create happy moments. If you are both happy for each other, I dont see a reason for him to leave you. Being insecure will lead him to feel insecure too, it's not good. After all, you did give him a chance to be with you, so if he's really changed then you'll know he has learn his mistakes. Good luck, I hope you'll feel better. Remember, you two need to trust each other for a relationship to work.
I agree with Edward, I think the fact that he feels guilty about cheating whilst drunk and that he broke up with you is a way to punish himself for hurting you, I don't think a cheating boyfriend would break up with the girlfriend for cheating, he would've hid it and got away with it and pretended nothing's happened. I think he's a good person that he fessed up to it and it didn't mean anything, perhaps he should control his alcohol intake so this doesn't happen again for both of your sakes. Like Edward said, trust takes time and you may need couple counselling if you're unable to move on , but he seems like a good person let him do you bad sober before you kick him out! Seriously, do have the alcohol talk with him though :)
Edward and Rihanna thank you for the advice you don't know how much it means to me. I'm really having a hard time cuz I really love him and I want this to work. He told me to not cling on the past for us to.move forward I our relationship. And I've been obsessing with it and he just wants me nothing else. I know it's not healthy tohold grudge. This girl (Angie-the one he dated for a few days when we're on our break-up) still talks to him and sends him snapchats and wants to work at the place he works, & I don't want to be the type of gf that says that he can't talk her cuz I will look like jealous, insecure and paranoid. But I'm not comfortable with her. I'm hiding what I really feel and just trying to focus on us, sometimes I couldn't help it.
Aniel,
When you feel jealous, I want you to think of how special you are. We are all humans and each one of us are unique. When you compare others to yourself, you will feel less unique and start to feel worried. Jealousy is a feeling and I believe if you take your mind off of this feeling, it will temporarily go away. Use your efforts on a more positive way of thinking, it will make you feel better. As you have said, it's not good to be obsessing over your problems. Showing this to your significant other will push him further away. Give him a chance to prove himself and regain trust and you'll know the truth in the end.
I've realized something from my breakup and it's that both me and my ex lost trust in each other. Slowly, I am regaining that trust, but it would never happen if she never gave me that chance. I want you to give your bf that chance, the chance for him to prove to you that he won't give up on someone so special in his life. Hope you feel better :)
Should I tell him that I'm not comfortable with him talking like sending snapchats to the girl (Angie)?
If you are in a relationship with him and it makes you uncomfortable, then I think you should talk to him about it. Communication is just as important as trust, try to talk it nicely to him about it. Tell him the truth, that she is making you jealous and how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Tell him you want a serious relationship and don't want to end up the same as the past. Remember not to sound angry when talking about these issues.. try to work it out nicely.
Aniel,
When some sort of infidelity happens at some point in a relationship, it becomes unstable for a while. I believe that you will never forget that once he cheated on you forever! However, the fact that you are back together means that you have accepted that you want to put extra effort to reconstruct the trust in your relationship.
About what you should do about this girl: your ex should treat her like her an ex. When intimacy happened it cannot be undone! Moreover, they have spent some more time together while you were broken up! Tell your boyfriend that you have no problem with any girl friend. Even they are necessary for a healthy environment including workplace but an ex (especially a recent one) should have more limitations. Tell him, it like you talking to your own ex.
In order to avoid insecurity don't be blunt. Simply hint these points in a friendly manner! Don't insist!
To my understanding alcohol has nothing to do with infidelity! It simply makes men to be brave enough to do what they thought about.
Good luck!
Thank you all for responding to my questions. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do but I will take your advice and try to talk to him about it. And we are been spending more time together now in past weeks which is good. I know it's bad but I snooped around on his phone, he deleted her phone number. but they're still sending snapchats that what makes me upset. I need to overcome this feeling and I believe the only way is to talk to him. I don't want to him to feel like I'm over controlling.
Hey Aniel,
If he has deleted her number, then there are chances that he is trying to avoid her! If he is really trying to avoid her, you don't need to talk about her! Maybe he chats with her simply to be polite! Nothing more!! I think what you said is a good news and you don't need to stress him up!
Aniel,
I agree with Dara, if you keep obsessing over it and not give him a chance, you might push him further away.
I had a new situation I talked to him about the girl he confessed that he had urges or temptations (like sleeping with her) for the girl they've been talking often and he likes it. He said he's fight it but he's afraid to be unfaithful to me so we broke up. He said he loved me blah blah blah. I can't believe he put me in this position again. I felt every pain I felt when we first broke up even worse. He doesn't deserve me & I want to move on. I just need somebody to help with that.
Well hello again Kevin,
Just needed some more advice. I completed another month and a half no contact with my ex after he screenshoted that snapchat one day. I've been talking to many other people and am feeling especially confident and happy. Today I just followed my ex on Instagram literally minutes ago. Just wondering where should I go from here? Still have feelings for my ex and would like the chance to hear from him
Hi Josy,
If you've completed NC and you are feeling happy, I don't see why not contact him. Ask him to hangout or something (: good luck! Start conversation with one of Kevin's example text.
Yea I would like to do that but this is my second time completing no contact and the previous time I texted my ex and he was kinda cold even though I didn't send the correct message and he screenshoted a snapchat I sent to him. That's why I only followed his art page just to be a little subtle because I'm hesitant to text again
If you are hesitant, then you should probably hold off until you feel more confident. It's been another month and a half since you tried to contact him, if he's cold again then you have to ask yourself whether he is worth it. You can keep trying, but I feel like you shouldn't wait for him. If you're happy after all this time, I think it wouldn't hurt to contact him. You wouldn't know how he feels until you do.
Hey Kevin,
I left a comment several days ago, but I can't find it anywhere... Have you read it?
Thanks for your help.
Cheers.
NC initiated, So begins the hardest days of my life...well I guess second hardest after picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
She broke up with me 2 months after I moved across country for a work promotion, so now I'm stuck broken-hearted in a city where I know nobody.
I've already made almost every mistake Kevin listed above but I'm hopeful that this space and time I'm committing to works because I can't imagine life without this girl (sounds pathetic I know).
Wish me luck!
Hey Ash,
I've been through this and many of us also have. You'll feel better over time, be sure to make positive changes in your life. Good luck, we are here if you need us.
Hello,
Why can't I see my comments appear here?
Hey,
I replied to your comment here.
Dear kevin,
i'm so glad you are back.thank you for everything.thank you for always being there for all of us and your great support,thank you for your emails,your words,your great article,for introducing ryan river and everything .i really appreciate the time you spend and how much you care about our relationships.i don't know if you read my last posts of my situation but after all i couldn't get him back.i believe i didn't follow the plan perfectly.i didn't even wait until the meet ups.i canceled it cuz i didn't want him to think that i was always so interested in hanging out with him.when i saw his post on the girl's wall i thought he lied to me and he was playing with me and asked him about it right after it (i think i didn't show insecurity i was calm and confident and told him that even if there is something between them i'm ok and i just want to make things clear ) .he tried to convince me that there was nothing between them and he was being really nice at first but i kept acting my way.and then i said it's better for both of us not to be in touch so we can move on and start a new relationship.he didn't like what i said and his behavior changed after this.he said he is not gonna be in a relationship with anyone but sounds like i am really interested.i asked him if he sees me as his friend and he said yes.then i asked him if he is ok with me being in a new relationship and he replied no.he changes his words all the time.a few days ago he was talking like we never broke up.2 weeks ago he said he loves me the same way he always did,he said that he can never be friends with me cuz his feelings for me won't go away.and this made me sick.when i complained about his behavior today,he said we will talk about it later and i told him that i can't wait for him to change his mind every week and i'm going to decide for my own life and i'm done.he said you want to get rid of me and now you are free.then again said something out of nowhere and i said that he is a psycho freak.i know i didn't act the way i was supposed to but its almost 5 months that we broke up.he contacted me right after the first month of NC after we broke up and from then on he was always talking about his feelings for me,he used to cry over the video calls when i was away.he kept asking if i slept with anyone.he said he likes to be my boyfriend again but he never asked to get back.all of these made me feel sick.i would be a liar if i say i have no feelings for him but he is like never constant.i don't know what to believe.i'm not depressed and i believe i worked on myself the best way i could.but i still get confused.any comment from you would be really appreciated.sorry it was too long.
thanks alot kevin x
he texted me just now and said : you want to start a new relationship otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything about getting out of each other’s lives.this is what you wanted go ahead and do it.
Hey a.z,
As I have said, he's been trying to get back with you. If you think he's worth it then now is the time to give it a try. If you still care about him and want the relationship to work, I don't think you should play hard to get. You know he wants to get back to you, the decision is up to you now.
i swear if i know he wants to get back that would be my happiest moment right now.he doesn't want me back.he just didn't want to lose me completely.he said he sees me as a friend.after he sent that text i said don't try to mess with my head anymore all i know is that you are a liar.then i blocked him on FB. he said nothing.he could have said anything to change my mind but he didn't try to change my bad feelings toward him.i wish i never knew him.i love him and i'm so tired of all this.
Ed,
I also believe that he wants her back but it seems that their arguments are endless! It seems that they are both frustrated. Yet, they both miss each other! They have come to a stalemate situation where no one wants to submit to another! He has taken a step further in saying that he does not want friendship either! This situation is tough! They already had 4 months of NC and I see that they need AT LEAST 2 weeks of NC again! Elongating this NC really sucks! At some point you start thinking if you have wasted your life!
it has been for months that we brokeup.we had 1 months of NC. and then after 1 months that he chased me we had another argument and were on NC for like 2 weeks.except these 2 NCs we have always been in touch and he was like we never broke up.
a.z.,
Pretending like you never broke up takes a lot of mental energy and frustrates that person! He has already being doing a tough job! I recommend you to unblock him on the Facebook and wait for a while to see an action from him! I am saying this because I know that you are not moving on at this moment and there is a part of you waiting for him!
then he will block me.i think it doesn't make any difference if he is blocked or not.if he wants to do anything ,he will.i wanted him to know that this time is different and i'm not keep trying to be cool no matter what he does.your right,i thought i could move on but i still want him back.and he knows that i blocked him.if i unblock him,he will think what an idiot i am.
he texted one of my best friends and said he doesn't know what my point is.he said that i asked him to end everything and then i asked him about our friendship and if he sees me as a friend.he said its because of these that now he is not with me. then my friend told her that both of us have been under alot of pressure and then asked him if he wants to get back? he said no.he said he is gonna call me tomorrow to talk about everything. then my friend said if you don't want to get back so there is no need to talk and there is nothing left to talk about.then again he said i'm calling her tomorrow sorry.
see guys? he doesn't want to get back.he means it otherwise he wouldn't have said so to my friend.
a.z.,
Come on! Why don't you consider that he is also playing head-games? If he is off, then why is he going to call you? To me, there is 51% chance that he wants you back and want to talk to you in person to see what's going on in your mind! I wish it was a face to face!
I think tomorrow's talk is the best time to conclude everything for good, "to be or not to be"! So prepare what you want to say. Be frank and honest with yourself and him! Make it as long as possible to hear all his words and also to say whatever you have on you heart!
By the way, Kevin is back and I enjoy how fast he concludes on short posts!
thank you very much Dara.i don't know i have a feeling that he wants to talk and make every thing clear about not getting back and finishing everything.may be its cuz he said he doesn't want to get back to my friend.i mean why would he play mind games while texting my friend? .he could have said i'm not sure or something like that. do you think i should tell him about my true feelings? he seems like he is so tired of my behavior. i know kevin is back but seems like he hasn't read my post.
Probably Kevin would say 4 months of on and off it too much! You should considering moving on! Plus, I also believe that this on and off will be there in your relationship for a long time maybe till the end! Some kind of personality mismatch. I also have same idea about my relationship with my ex. This is why I don't give much try! She tries to dominate me, but I don't allow anyone to dominate me! While she thinks that I want to dominate her! Personality incompatibility!
I owed some money to a friend of my ex for my ex's birthday party. Previously, I had told her that when we reconcile, I would give her the money! Then, I realized that this will make her feel that I am playing games and I am truly looking forward to beg her again! So I sent a text message to her friend that I need her postal address to clear my dept. It meant that I am not going to involve my ex anymore: she is over! This girl said that I should forget about the money and I said, I can't forget what I owe someone! Then we concluded that I donate this amount to Goodwill! See! As a part of my plan, I had to make sure that my ex has no hopes to talk to me again and start feeling that I might be gone forever and I have no intentions to see her again! Maybe your ex has also read something about "Death Door" in RR!!!
I assure you, when you are done with someone, you have no intentions to talk to that person!
Since you have done NC and he has always confirmed that he loves you, I believe you should talk about your true feelings about him! I am sure that by now, you won't show any signs of neediness! Tell him that 4 months have been too much but you still care about him and you think that you can have a good relationship with each other provided you both cooperate! If he thinks that you (two) cannot have a good relationship with each other, these 4 months have made you strong enough to move on!
I'm sure that he has feelings about you but he is frustrated. So are you! Here, someone has to submit to the other! Let it be his idea! Go slow and a step for his each step! Otherwise, I am sure that you will have to have tough time doing NC again and it truly does not worth it! After all, how many months of NC do you want to do for a relationship which is vulnerable?
a.z.,
I hope you are doing well! Any updates? Will be glad to hear from you!
Kevin:
I told myself I was done. I told myself I was mad at her, and that I would just drop it and give up. But what happens? I just feel worse and worse every day. I don't know how to get over her. Every day I try to thank God of the time we had together, but it just makes me sad. There's always something to remind me of her. We spent 3 years together. We had so many experiences. Now they're just things I'll probably never get to do with her again. It really was incredible, the events that had to happen for us to fall in love. We were each others' first serious significant other. But when it came down to it, I was stupid. I now realize all the things I did to make her lose attraction for me. However, I just couldn't realize it until it was too late. She already broke up with me, and she's so stubborn, I doubt that she will ever let herself be convinced that she likes me like that ever again. I thought she was just an important part of my life, but after we broke up, and these 2 and a half months away, I realize that she was everything to me.
She sent me this message after I tried one of the text messages (after 30+ days NC, magic letter, and then a few more weeks NC): I think it'd be best if we didn't text each other for a while to make sure we both have enough space to move on. I would like to get back to being friends in the future but not yet.
So I don't know what she means by "move on" or "space". Does she want to stay away from me and keep stealing my friends from me? Does she want to move on from the breakup or move on from me? I really want to ask her if she would be willing to meet me at starbuck's and get the drink that she likes there just to talk about being friends, or being ok to be around each other. that way we don't have to compete for my friends. If she does try to steal them, I know she will be able to. She's a single girl (my friends are single guys that are starved for attention from women). And I'm not sure how my friends thought of her in this way, but she is very pretty, I think. I know she isn't the most beautiful thing in the world according to most, but in my eyes she is. Do you think this is a bad idea?
I read something cool somewhere: "When the crickets come, he/she is done!" in your case I believe you still have a chance in getting her back despite what she's saying to you at least she's still interested enough to communicate with you. If she needs some space to think then do NC and hopefully she'll miss you. I know you've done 30 days NC and a lot more so it's really hard to say whether a second NC will bring you closer or just the same or apart. The fact she's interested to 'steal your friends' haha... means she's not ready to let go of you and that she'll use your friends to be still in your life in some way. I hope Kevin comments on your post soon I'm interested as to what he'll have to say. I think there's still a good chance but not sure which way you should go about it.
Hey David,
Yes, it's a bad idea to ask her out right now when she has asked for space. I think you should give it to her. Another month or two. I know it sucks. Especially since it was your first serious relationship. But trust me, it gets better. Perhaps, it's the hope of getting her back in the future that's stopping you from moving on. So, if you want to move on, you should leave that hope behind and work on moving on. There are a lot of resources on the internet about getting over a breakup and you should look into them if you decide to move on.
Thank you both. I really just wanted to talk to her about what she means by "space". and "move on". That way I know what's on her mind. She went to high school with my friends so i'm not sure that she's trying to steal my friends just to be in my life in some way. I can't easily give her much more than another month away, since we have a class together starting in august.
I don't want to move on. I don't want her to move on either. I know we are what's best for each other. Guarantee she won't find someone better for herself, and I am having trouble coming up with reasons why I would need anything more out of a woman. But I'll have to move on, if she moves on. and once she moves on, it's too late.
BTW it's my birthday today and her mom posted happy birthday on my wall, but I bet my ex won't say anything.
David,
Even though you've completed NC for 30+ days, it seems to me like both of you still need some space and time. Even for me, a month wasn't enough because I was constantly thinking about my ex. You have to let go and accept the fact that you two are not together anymore. Work on yourself and what makes you happy. The fact that you don't want to move on and you don't want her to move on is a problem. The way you feel whether or not she will respond to your birthday is also an issue. You're still thinking about her too much and not giving yourself time and space to realize that you are more important. David, I've felt the same way before, you just want her to come back to you and wish you can go back in time just a little right? Time is not going to wait for you, and you shouldn't wait for her to find your happiness. If you let go of all of your worries, I promise that you'll find that life is beautiful. You don't deserve to feel this way, take a moment to reflect on yourself.
Guys,
I think i confirmed that she has a nee boyfriend. I saw a picture of them on instagram im not sure if they are togther but they look sweet. Could thos be a rebound? It's just about 3 and a half mos since we broke up. I also feel like this guy was already in line before we even broke up. I think she has been mentionibg him. A few times before.
But guys be proud of me! Im not that hurt, just a little. Enough for mw to sleep at night and continue living lol!
I hope i also get to meet someone new. But i dont think its anytime near now. Just a hunch. Anyway guys. Really i just want to rabt this out. Thankyou!
its great to see you are not feeling the way i did last night.it shows how strong you are.i'm sure you are gonna find a lovely girl sooner or later.i'm sure there are too many people that we can find the love we want in them.
wish you best of luck and thank you for your comments about my case.
Daniel,
It really sucks being in your situation! I am really glad that you are strong! Its praiseworthy! I hope if I find that she dumped me for another guy, I don't feel that bad! Unlike you, I would like to jump into another relationship! I'm missing intimacy! ha ha ha ha...
Dara,
I would also like that. but i would only compare the girls to my ex.
she's top of the line really. shes good quality. It's hard to find someone equal lol.
but i know that my reasoning is not right. haha!
Honestly, in hoping that this is a rebound. damn. guess im still affected
Daniel,
I truly wish this rebound guy is really rebound! I know that your love is much deeper than mine! Lets see what happens! Whatever happens, stand strong and try to move on for now! Maybe later! Your happiness is the most important thing in the world!
Dara,
I'll just be happy. its not fair if shes having fun while im like this.
anyway im her first boyfriend. i will always be the best she ever had.
Daneil,
You are right! Its truly unfair that she is having fun and you come here to find some solace!
Just now I was texting with the girl who said lets be friends on facebook! I asked her if she is single and she said yes! Then we exchanged some texts on several things! I think I am really close to move on and she is close to become my next girlfriend! Just like you said, its not fair for me to be single and looking for truth while I have no idea why my ex dumped me!
Dara,
I feel empty
Daniel,
Its okay! I also feel empty most of the times! I felt lonely most of the times lately but there is a cure for it! As you already said, you need to be happy! When you become really happy, you won't feel empty anymore! Trust me! These feelings will disappear one day!
My girlfriend was my dream girl for about a year and a half,we were best friends until she got in a serious relationship with another guy and broke my heart, I had always liked her and as she got of her relationship she started talking to me again. We lasted about 5 months talking to each other as just friends, I was making sure she forgot her ex, so when i was sure she was over him we got together. I asked her to become my girlfriend we were doing great, and all of a sudden two week after we got together she broke up with me... I dont want to get very specific but she didnt show any signs of her not wanting me i am sure of that, i dont know what to do...i want her back.
Hey Axel,
Perhaps she was not ready to be in a relationship and didn't realize it until she started one. I guess you should give her some more time and try again.
Hey Kevin,
I just read your article and I love it!
Anyway, I have a question for you. My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had a great relationship for 5 months, we had so much in common, we got along great, everything was perfect. Last few weeks we texted eachother and saw eachother rarely than before. He was quite bussy with his hobby and other stuff, keept telling me it's only for this month. But I decided to tell him how I feel about that all and how I don't like it. He told me he can't change anything right now and that it seems like it's best for both of us to breakup. I was really upset for first two weeks, texted him, called him, but he didn't answer. I left him for 8 days and than told him I want to talk to him. He was talking really rude, like he will come by to drop my stuff and take his when he will want to. I decided to leave him alone now as you wrote, ignoring him for a while and do some positive changes on myself. I already coloured my hair and feel much much better. But still, I want him back at some point. We weren't just like lovers, we were also like best friends.
So, what do you think? Is it worth the shot? Because I think it is..
If you think it is then it is.
Hello all,
I would appreciate some feedback on my situation...
My partner and I are an online couple who have been together since 2010. We have shared many, many ups and downs, and he has certainly stuck by me, and I by him through all the crazy moments. He suffers from depression, but I understood, and we were doing well...
Two weeks ago we had a little fallout but we agreed that we wanted us to work out, in fact he said he never wanted to stop trying... Two days after was his birthday. I sent him a voice note to wish him, and he didn't respond to it, but sent a message to let me know work was crazy. After that I messaged him as usual and he didn't respond. Four days later he lets me know he had had a nasty fall and ended up in hospital and it's been a crazy few days. I asked him how he was doing then, got no response. I then sent one message to say I'd fade into black for now because it felt he was cutting me out of what's happening in his life. No response.
Three days letter I sent him a short email sharing two pics and told him I hoped he was doing well. No response. He also didn't read my instant message, nothing crazy, just asking him how he was...
I emailed twice him to say I was worried etc, again nothing crazy. Just short emails voicing my concern. My last email on Sunday invited him to be open and tell me if there was something I had said that offended him, or if he had given up on me. No response. I didn't mail him again
It's been 9 days since I last heard from him. Strangely I feel at peace. He hasn't read any of my IMs, also hasn't deleted me. But I am worried. He has given me silent days in the past, as I did him. But never for this long, or for no apparent reason. Usually it's preceded by a fight or disagreement. I had a load of emotions going on, but I feel okay. I'm just worried that he might be going through a depression phase and me going NC will send a wrong message: that I don't care.
Thoughts?
Hi Sunshine,
There are two things that could have happened at this point. Either he saw your messages/email or he did not. But either way, I think you should still stick with the plan. If he saw your messages and chose to ignore you, there is nothing you can do about it. If he did not see your messages, and you've sent a good amount, when he does see your messages, he would contact you. I don't think you should ask him if he did see your messages or not. I don't think you should send him anymore messages either. It's best if you can work on yourself at this point and try to move on life and see what happens. What if he never responds, will you spend your life waiting? So anyways, NC won't send the wrong message. You've done all you can, now it's up to him.
Thank you for your thoughts, really needed to read it. I'm on Day 4 of NC. He's still on my messenger contact list, but I've changed my pro pic to something generic, a sunflower lol! Definitely don't want to send further emails, and I'm convinced he has received my messages.
How I feel at this point? At peace, chilled - and I'm journalling my thoughts (letters to God) and focussing on daily gratitude. I do miss him loads!!! He has been a huge part of my life for the past 4 years, in fact just 2 days before he zoned out he said that he wanted us, I was a huge part of his life and even if we don't speak all the time, he needed to know I was there. But!! I'll have hope we'll find our way back to each other. For now I really don't want to wallow in self-pity. I'm too much of a conqueror for that. Got too much life to live. If he contacts me, I'll be graceful. I don't have anger or hurt towards him. Just a bit sad that he couldn't just let me know what's up, be a man about it...
Sunshine,
It's great to hear you writing down your thoughts and feelings. That's what I did when break up first happened to me. You will slowly feel better as each day progress. You will still miss him but also won't have to worry about it. I've also felt like I lost someone special after break up, and I think it's the perfect time to learn from your mistakes and improve on yourself. NC is about you and it gives you the feeling of being single again. Take this opportunity to explore your goals and what's truly important to you. As your days go by, I hope you'll find happiness without your ex and not think about what he's doing. These things are natural in NC, so I just want to let you know what's coming up haha. You will have a lot of ups and downs, mixed signals, and negative feelings. Just continue doing what you're doing and hopefully one day you'll feel what I've felt. Everything will be at peace at that time, the feeling of gratitude towards life, no stress. When this time, you'll truly feel happy and you will find that you're attracting things you want in life. Keep doing what you're doing, it's a rough journey but it is all worth it (:
Thank you :) I am definitely feeling at peace already. I only miss him when I think of him. There's also a bit of sadness that he can't just let me know he is okay!!!! It wasn't really fair to drop the message saying he had gotten hurt at work, and not divulging much more. Going silent.
But I've forgiven him, and am hoping he is well. He's in my prayers.
I have God and prayer to thank for handling now so well. Previously I would have fallen apart and gone mental. Worry won't help me, this I know. I'm choosing to walk in the sunshine, having hope and being thankful...
Btw, today is Day 5! of NC. Not even itching to send him a message. Lol! I was very creative about our communication, I'm sure he will miss that :)
my ex sent me this text two days ago "I like you too much to be with you. I need you and I need your presence and what hurts me the most is to see the state you are in :'("
we broke up almost 4 months ago . when we are together we can't help getting close . I hope we can get back together ... but I don't know what to do .
Don't reply. If you are in NC, finish it and send the letter mentioned in the article.
Since all this as happen on Sunday her sister called me to say leave her alone
Hi all, feeling really down and sad about things today.
As my number has been blocked, I asked a friend to text her for me of my friends phone saying. ‘Hey I hope you are feeling better, be really good if we can catch up, go for a lovely walk in that park we like, or we can go to that lovely pub we had the best date on. Below is a copy of my story for those that have missed it.
Hey all,
I was in a relationship with a girl for only 6 weeks, but those 6 weeks were very intense and the attraction and connection was imenese. We met online.
During those 6 weeks we both fell in love and both came out to our family and friends. She has been in 3 relationships with men in the past, but always felt she was gay.
She said all the stuff off how, no one has made her as happy as I have, how much she gets butterflys and never wanted to kiss someone as much as me.
She used to be very hot and cold, and one day I said I can’t deal with you being cold and best we end it if you are going to carry on being this way.
Anyway, it ended as she said fine your right. I tried to make contact to say I was sorry etc, but she did not reply, I tried to make contact on dating website and sent her a sorry card. A week after this she calls me to say stop contacting me, she wont change her mind, it’s over.
So I accepted it and left her alone for 1 week, during this week I went back on the dating website. I then got a text to say, why are you contacting me if you are going on the dating website, you obv have moved on so stop contacting me, she also said I am not on there, but I thought I check and everytime I checked you are on there!
I asked her if she doesn’t want me why is she so bothered that I am back on the dating website. She said it’s none of her business and she knows I am not right for her.
I then said I will be at the train station near her house tomorrow if she wants to meet, the next day she texted me to say, ‘please don’t waste your time I will not be there, and she also said how jealous I used to try make her feel and she had all that with her ex and wouldn”t have that again (I never used to make her jealous by the way, she felt I did by a few comments I made about someone asking me out) she said no matter what her heart says she has to listen to her head, as that stops her heart getting hurt and in her mind it’s over.
So do you think I have a chance? Do you thinkher heart will win?
Lou,
I've replied to this on your previous post.
Hey Lou,
You do have a chance. But you don't know her enough and you are only going to have more drama and confusion if you try to get her back. Lou, if I remember correctly you were feeling exactly the same way when you broke up with your last girlfriend. You couldn't stop contacting her. She blocked your number. She told you to stop contacting her. Do you see a pattern here? Do you think this pattern might have something to do with how you act in a relationship and after a breakup?
Also did you notice how desperately you wanted to get back together with your last girlfriend. And how easily you got over her once you found this new girl? Lou, I am just guessing here, but I think you have issues with being single. You are not really looking for a long and healthy relationship, but you are just looking to not being single. Again, it's just my guess and I might be wrong. But if you want to break this pattern and want to find a relationship that is healthy and that will last a long time, you should first be OK with being single. If you need help with breaking this pattern that you are having with relationships, you should really look into therapy.
Hey Kevin
i feel im happy being single that i dont mind. i just didnt feel it was possible to like someone again after my ex. i had few ofers from other firls so I know this isnt a rebond. the girl i was aeeing for 6 weeks was hot/cold and wasnt sure wat she wanted so thats wjy we split up. do i still have a chance or not
So do I still have a chance Kevin, it didn't end cos I blew it, it ended as she was unsure what she wanted. I said if your going to blow hot and cold then it might as well be over and she ran, it has been 5 weeks since we split and we were only together 6 weeks, do I still have a chance?
Lou,
You do have a chance. I did say it in my previous comment. But you ignored everything else I said.
So what is the best thing for me to do, as mentioned I do not have a problem being single, and as the relationship was only for 6 weeks, I wanted to know how much space I give and if there is still as chance as short lived
Dara there was no more reply option there so i replied it here.
thank you very much dara,no your comments really made me feel better last night and today.i’m not feeling that terrible pain but i think its because i found that he doesn't want to lose me but i never want to be the third wheel.even if there is nothing between them now ,this may someday soon happen between my ex and any new girl.i totally understand what you said but i feel like i need to end this.i can’t let him think that i’m always gonna be there fore him.i’m searching to find the best words to talk to him without any anger or insecurity.
The best word is silence a.z.! You will never regret on it! Even if you do, you will always have something to add to it!
If you are sure that you really want to end it now for good, talk about your true feelings. Make sure that there is nothing left unspoken! Again take your time to prepare everything point you want to say. Mention that these chronic troubles have made you uncomfortable , sick over time and these bad memories will influence the quality of your relationship whatever you do (which is a fact). Also, appreciate him for the good memories that you had together! Wish him best of luck for his next relationship!
About the wordings, write them in your words. Maybe it better to email him so that you don't miss anything.
I am not a breakup expert! LOL Please let us know what happened next!
thank u very much Dara,i talked to him.i said what he is doing in his life is upto him and he has a right do do everything he wants and non of us should be expecting something from each other.i said what he asked last night was not about him.it was about me and if we are still in each other's lives it makes it difficult to start a new successful relationship.he said he is not going to be in a relationship he doesn't have time for that and he is not interested.the told me to do whatever i need to feel good.i said do you see me as a friend? he said yes. then i said are you ok with me being in a new relation ship? he said no. then i told him that he said different things until a few days before and i think his feelings has changed and i'm ok with this and i just wanted to make things clear.he said darling we will talk about it later i really can't make it now. we were on a video call.after this i texted him that:
i always cared about you in our relationship and after we broke up and i never wanted you to feel bad.i expected you to feel the same but when you don't want to talk about it then i don't insist and i don't want you to feel pressured.i was seeing you as a friend after we contacted each other again then what you did and what you told me made it different.what u told me today made me feel like i can't spend my whole life waiting for you to change your mind every time and i don't blame you for this.this is your life and your personality and i respect this.but i can decide for myself.if my thoughts about you were wrong until now i'm changing it from now on.
he didn't respond to it. i don't know how i exactly i feel now but i won't let myself to cry for him anymore.its enough already.if he feels something for me he will do something about it.and if he doesn't the sooner i move on,the better for me.what do you think about my text?
he just responded : you want to get rid of me,now you are free
I liked your text! It was clear! A sentence in it reminded one of my emails that I sent my ex after the breakup. I said, "don't feel sorry about the bad things you did to me, its real you. This is who you really are!".
Truly I didn't like that he said he wants more time to think about it. 4 months gone and still need some time? I believe move on is probably the best decision you have made! Now, enjoy being REAL single. Date the guy you said is of your type! I am sure that after spending a couple of weeks with this new guy you will feel great! You will have new goals and dreams!
By the way, maybe you already feel great by now! LOL Send a text message to the new guy before you respond here! LOL
Probably you were right about the Happy Birthday. He was looking for a backup!
tbh i'm not feeling that great.but i'm moving on and if he really wanted to use me as a backup i feel terrible i'v always been the first choice for everyone and now he sees me too available and desperate to use me as a backup.i'm not sure about that new guy in this situation dara,i guess i should spend sometime single to refresh myself and start a good relationship.
a.z.,
I meant that he probably used that new girl as a backup-not you! Probably in these 4 months he has thought that if things don't work really good with you he should have someone lined up! Yet its just an assumption! I promise you that he will be at loss!
You are right, you need a while to see where you stand now! I didn't mean to start a relationship with that guy today but exchanging some flirty texts will help you for today! Let him chase you (LOL, you know it well)!
he texted me again and said: i swear to god that there is nothing between me and that girl and there is no one in my life.if you want i can unfriend her.
i said:i'm so sick of you psycho freak
i know it was immature but i couldn't help myself.
hahaha,its weird i feel really good now,your comments did miracle like always LOL. long story short, he is originally armenian and he can't marry someone not armenian because of her parents,friends and family. i don't think he will get into a serious relationship with not armenians after me ( this was the start of our fights before the breakup he was insisting that he is gonna make things work and he will not marry anyone but me and he used to say even if we spend years without each other i'm the one that he is gonna marry) .and that girl is so not armenian.and he is also not interested in armenians.atleast i'm so glad that i can choose any guy from any nationality.
OMG! Anyway, glad to hear that! You made us happy!
I play chess for fun! I know that Russian Garry Kasparov is originally from Baku! He is allegedly the great chess player of all time but some of his victories are associated with his psychological war that he used to perform before the his match against his rivals! On the other hand, there is another great chess player from Armenia, Levon Aronian! He is strong enough to be a world champion but he freaks out when it comes to world championships matches! You are a combination of both of them! ha ha ha... Anyway, you freaked your boyfriend out! I can't imagine myself instead of him!
LOL you are right.you see when it comes to anger i can't control myself at all.but today i think he needed to hear this from me.i'm moving on and i feel really great right now.maybe this isn't permanent but i will keep what i was doing.i know we are not hanging out when he is back as we were supposed to,but i'm glad he saw me on the video call and said i looked really good.after a few days i'm gonna text that new guy and i never wanted to move on this much.i think if he comes back this time and initiate contact he probably wants to get back.even if its over i'm ok and i will be fine.i didn't lose anything i did my best .if he is really the one he will do something.
Come on a.z.! I truly don't understand you! You are moving one??! Why? He said there is no one in his life and it made you happy! Now you are moving you?! I can't understand you! So why did you panic yesterday?! I think there should be a head-game fight between you and my ex! I truly want to see whose going to win!
a.z. Vs Dara's X!
I really respect your decision on moving on but I really did not get the point! Why do you want to move on?
Dara,
its not the girl anymore but he is changing his words every other week and i cant handle this.when he said he sees me as a friend yesterday,it was like a bang inside of my head.he doesn't know what he wants.who am i? a lonely stupid girl that has to keep trying and wait no matter what he says? why would he say that and then say he would not be ok if i get into a new relationship.he drives me crazy.i can't let him make me look like a fool anymore.
a.z.,
Sorry to hear that! I was joking up there! Its true that you played head games but he is also doing the same thing now! He is stringing you around! You are right, he should be confident and equivocal! I highly admire your decision! As I previously said, its 4 months gone and he still has nothing new to say! You are right! You can't wait for him forever! Thank you very much for the update!! Best of luck dear a.z.! Will be glad to hear from you here!
thank you for responding Dara xoxo. i still have feelings for him and i do miss him but that new personality just sucks.if it was the time like after our NC the word friends would have been just fine.i used it myself and he said he can never be friends with me,his feelings for me won't change and etc.. .i don't know if its over over or i will ever hear anything about him or is there still a chance or not but i don't think if he ever contacts me again.he doesn't want me.i know i did so many mistakes but atleast i have been trying to make things work for more than 4 months.i need to accept the fact for my own good.he is not the same guy i loved anymore he would never do this to me.i mean i was already out of his life. why would he say he sees me as a friend unless he really does.i'm really confused.
thank you again Dara for always being there for me :Xxx
he texted me just now and said : you want to start a new relationship otherwise you wouldn't have said anything about getting out of each other's lives.this is what you wanted go ahead and do it.
You're welcome a.z.!
I somehow liked your story and got attracted to it. I thought its better to follow 1 or 2 stories rather than following all but not remembering the details in anyone! By the way, I like girls who play head-games but don't like it when they lie or mix it with lies! My ex sometimes lied which made me upset!
About your ex, lets not analyse the situation for now! Its just headache to analyse something that is not for sure! He is probably confused but you should not suffer for other people's confusion! You missing him is natural! There is nothing wrong with it! It would be strange if you did not miss him!
Oh! I don't like it! Looks like another argument after so many arguments! He probably does not mean it but it shows that he is frustrated with the situation! It means he needs another 1 or 2 months of NC! It sucks!
yeah and i blocked him on FB.i have never done that and i thought he need to see the change.
Come on a.z.! Don't act like my ex! Maybe different men have different perceptions/understandings but I don't even like to look at my ex because she has blocked me on Facebook! To me, its disrespectful and she has to learn respecting me before anything else! Maybe to other men it means that they have to make a decision before they lose everything but not to me!
Hello everyone/Kevin. My gf and I for 9 months broke up 2 months ago. And right now I am doing the NC, after we broke up I kept on contacting her for one whole straight week then stopped for a couple of days and then contacted her again then stopped again. I was blocked in her phone and a social media account even got deleted from skype. And then I made another mistake and I feel that I totally blew my chance on getting her back. I have returned the things that I borrowed from her while we were still together and I also send the letter saying how I felt about us and that I was hurt by it an that I know that we are over. And I also returned some of the things that she has given me. Then I looked over her profile since it was public and saw a post where she's saying that "good thing that it didn't sting for me" and then I still keep myself updated by looking over it and now I think someone's got her attention and that she's kind of liking it but then she said something like she shouldn't feel that way. Now, I am totally doing the NC I don't know for how long though because I want to fix myself first and find a work before I make another move. Do you have any advice/ thoughts about my situation. Thank you in advance. :)
You are doing the right thing Athens. What she says on her facebook isn't necessarily true. So don't let it bother you.
ADVICE,We were in relation from last 4 yrs bt we were best frnds before that 4 yrs means frm last 8 yrs v knws each other,v met on orkut,
Frm last yr,she unable to give me time & love due to job n i started expecting more,she used to fear me alott coz i slaped her & abused her when i got to know her past affairs,eveytime i used to talk rudely,she started giving me less love,in between of this last 1 yr her parents got 2 know 3-4 times that v r in relation agn,from last mnth again sumthing her parents got 2 know n she started ignoring me ,i waited 6 days n asked her rsn on call many times,but every time she refused n ignored me,then on 7th day I went to ask her near her office bus stop,she refused to talk,i said i will do sucide if u dont talk to me,she called her mom, till time she went home,i got call from her mom,she informed her mom that I forced her,mom said isnt she told u that she is getting married,i cried alott, used to think agn n agn how this possible,after sum days i again forced myself to ask her,one day i able to meet her n i asked politely i wanaa talk she refused but i calmly asked then she said ok n then i started telling her how much imp she is for me,i cried very badly in front of her, she didnt felt anything for me,she was getting angried only n agn n agn was saying that it is our last meeting,accept the fact that i am marrying,i asked proofs,she refused,she said i never told u bcz u were in exams n never wanted to give u tensions in exams,i always stayed away her from Males bcz i never wanted to loose her,she started using whatspp,she blocked me by saying her sis got to know v again talking,after sum days she changed her whatsapp status to sad one like killing herself with gun, i worried so i went to see her but she saw,i tried to talk but she gone,her mom called n abused me,warned me,then her dad called me n started blackmailing v will do police case,My sis who managed to talked with them ,v thought its stopped but her dad really complained to police , police called me once but i ignored the calls,then nthing happended,Now v r no more in contact , i started expressing how much u cheated, how much i loved u, u used me like this on whatsapp,then she also changed her status that " u r biggest mistake of my life & i am still paying for it "&" you hv no right to judge me " & blocked my other numbers too,then i changed my dp to normal one after reading this site but i feels she is moved on,she used to chat on whatsapp till 2.30am,daily,when v had relation she always sleeps before 12am,she refills her number every 2 days,i sent her sum pics n story of that pic she ignored it,n msged me once that i dont want to c u agn, dont interfer in my life or she will complaint to there family again.
do you think NC will work ?? What if her mom was right that she is marrying but if its true why she will put such status on whatsapp?when her bf or husband can see it?? I have no idea what is truth n lies, but when v had relation she never told abt marriage & but it is also true that she chats 24hrs,you know her love forced me to accept 14th proposal,yes she proposed me 13 times,there r lods of things she did 4 me,
i used 2 blame her aloot for evry single thing,she sayslet me die thenyou will be happy,she says say that she wont be able to love coz whatever she do m not gets happy,she knows,I will never hate her,she blocked on gmails when my frnd saw her near hospital at 12am,i asked her what happend,I will help you,that guy grabbing her from me,she is not sleeping,eating,if its true, how she will miss me when sumone is not letting her to miss me anymore,its killing that how she forgotten me easily,its all about 8 yrs.
Plz ans:
1)how to behave on WhatsApp?currently i automaticaly get unblocked & but she did not blocked me that time, so i blocked her,nw both are unblocked.
2)should i keep my own dp wih happy pic ?
3)what kinda status should i put on whatsapp for same? my current status is : Eat = sleep = rave = repeat
4)should i show her that i moved on with my career ?
5)should i show her that i got new gf or sum kinda such girls ?
6)should i make her jeolous by keeping girls dp with me & flirting with gals?
7)m planning to show her that i am leaving my state for sum purpose after one month of NC, should i ?
I'm on 6thday of NC, on 25th may she bought new phone n new sim & started using whatsapp(in my back )
1)On 26th may she blocked me on whatsapp by saying her sis read all chats which was true which i got to know on 29th may
2)On 29th May dis police incident happend which i mentioned above
3)on 10th june i mailed her sumthing precios pics which v spent on 2013 year,wid long lovestory by thinking that she will miss me,she read but didnt replied,
3)on 13th June she unblocked n warned me cz i used to show my love,anger,blames through whatsapp dp n status,so she warned me that stop playing on whatsapp & stay away from me n agn blocked me, then i msged on gtalk then she responded that she can tell there parents about my mail,she said she dont want 2 see me ever agn n bye forevr,i asked r u happy? she said yes coz now der is no one to abuse n slap her,i said ok m happy 4 u,
4)on 16th june i msged on gtalk which i mentioned above abt seeing her near hospital but she blocked me,
(PS from 30th May-5th June, she searched for old songs,new songs n also female peace temples ,Route for one city to another city & lyrics of Quit playing games of my heart , I know i do stalking alott, I am cyber researcher so i able to get this details easily.)
From that day she blocked on gmail, m acting cool,changed my status to " Just enjoy ur life n chill, nothing to complaint " now i unblocked her n removed my dp n status n stopped using whatsapp from last 6 days..
Hey,
I think you should stop worrying about your whatsapp status for now and concentrate more on yourself. The status you have is fine. Don't change it and don't change your DP. Don't do anything to show her anything and try to actually move on. I am not saying give up on her and don't try to get her back. But learn to be happy without her. Stop stalking her and stop thinking about her. Read the second and third step of the plan. It's the most important part of it. Considering how much you are obsessed over her and the damage done with the police incident and all, I'll recommend NC for at least 60 days. Preferably 90 days.
Thanks for approving my comment finally, yes I am on NC n I will do everything which u told me but what about her bf or husband ? Considering my stalking ( which I will stop) yes she is with someone n happy because I never gave freedom & these days she flying like free bird everywhere ( I saw her today she looked happy with having fun with some boys ) but even though it was worst unhappy reation she was happy with me always which she herself used to say always , whenever I used to ignore her then she used to say : abuse me angry on me fight with me but plz don't ignore me ,I can't bear it) , but what if he is her husband to whom she will Mary after 2 years who grabbing her from me?earlier she was alone n used to think but now she surrounded with happy funny people frnds n bf/husband ( no proof got yet though I am sure her bestie knowing it but asking her on NC period will be wrong) Or all these things are fake stories just to get rid of me? What do you think do she miss me I am asking coz I can see she has no time to miss me all time she do is WhatsApp n calls , Or she completely moved on ? 60 to 90 days NC will be very much difficult but I will try my best only for getting her back, My Birthday coming on September last week,I have high hopes on that day atleast but its very long time, I have freezed my last seen stamp so she will not see me online anymore,with no DP n no status n will continue same until NC over, but afraid that guy will completly grab her coz she is from those girls who wants my happiness my success & if she found herself i am moved on maybe she won't come back just because she knows I used to beg her for going from my mind n heart once bcz of her behavior , she was serios for me n I admit that who always prayed for my success n smile. I want one last chance .
Hey Neil,
No one can say what's going on in her mind right now and what will happen in the upcoming 90 days. But IMO, she will not move on so easily. These 90 days are important for you to become focused on yourself and not her. Right now, you are obsessed over her, and you need to learn to be happy without her. You need to first accept the fact that there's a chance she won't come back at all. You need to accept the fact that it might not work at all. And it's OK. Because there are plenty of girls out there who are probably more compatible to you than her. And I am not sure what you mean by bf/husband. Is she married?
i called her after no contact, she did not answer immediately but she replied back after sometime. I asked her to meet me but she did not give a clear reply. I mean she was happy to talk to me but neither she said no, nor she said yes. What can be done?
Continue talking to her and ask her again after a week.
Kevin
Finished 30 days no contact after doing everything wrong for months. I got a text from her friend saying that she hoped I was ok and doing alright after the break up. Have gone on dates and hooked up but still feel really intense feelings for my ex. With her not getting back to me should I just move on or give it a few days and text again. What is the significance of the friend texting and not her? She's with another guy he's the reason I left in the first place. Thanks again.
Wait a week and text her. Ignore her friend. The guy is probably a rebound and she is definitely not over you. Although, if you are not sure that a relationship with her will stand the test of time, you should move on. You will probably have a lot of resentment and trust issues once you get back together since she started a relationship with that guy after you left her. Are you willing to go through all that and work on those issues? Are you absolutely sure you will be able to trust her again after you get back together? Are you sure she will be wiling to work with you on your trust issues? You should be asking yourself these questions before texting her.
What if we still live together? Me and my ex broke up a month ago but we still live together because none of us can afford to move out right now. This means, we have contact every single day.
Hey Karen,
I've written about it in this article.
Hi All,
Festival David here.
I know I said I wouldnt write until after my holiday ha, But I thought if give an update to my sitatuon....also its sort of similar but opposite to a.z situation below ha.
So Basically, last time I update (below) we had a meal planned on the Friday which she cancelled coz she "Wanted an early night" for all day drinking Sat....I had a feeling that this was an excuse.
Anyways..>So weekend Passed...I went out on Friday/Sat myself and had a good time.
I got talking to this girl who is a model/good looking girl, Ive met her years ago and did have a kiss years ago. She was flirting all over me on Friday night, although I didnt do anything!
She took some photos on the night and put the pictures up on facebook
Sunday, My ex messaged me, she basically see the photos of us both together
My ex and me are not friends on FB...so she has obviously gone to my FB and had a look (which she admitted)
I wont post the whole convo, but these are some of the things she said
"Its just weird seeing you move on"
"Well I have absolutely no room to talk at all, its just weird" (Basically telling me shes done stuff too)
"Im going to block you on fb, coz I cant handle seeing that stuff"
At this point I hadnt denied I had done stuff or admitted it....then I finally said "no more headgames"
"I havent done anything, I asked you what you wanted on Thursday and you told me etc"
Then she basically said that its normal to feel the way she did but still didnt say she wanted me etc just that she had to deal with it.
I probably made it worse for myself by asking if she had done anything with anyone ( I actually didnt want to know!! ha, I only asked coz then I wanted to ask what she "Felt" when she did the stuff) to find out her true feelings
She refused to answer but then also said she didnt do anything at the festival, so she hasnt admitted to anything yet, so think shes playing games. Coz she was like "What have I said that means ive done something?" But then when asked was like "Its none of our business, it wont help either of us"
Well, I know its none of our business, I havent actually asked her except that 1 time and tbh I wasnt even bothered....but yet this is the 2nd time she has asked me now!
She just kept re-iterating that "We both single and that both of us are going to do something sooner or later". She also mentioned that "Sometimes you dont realise you want someone or not until they move on and you either accept it or realise you want them back"
When I asked "well how did you feel when you thought I had moved on" she said she didnt understand why she felt that way and that its normal and it could of been out of "impulse"
Anyways Regarding the Friday meal cancellation....Turns out I was RIGHT!....She Went out drinking from 6pm until 4 am...>So much for an "Early Night" right?
Ive noticed her attitude change completely from just before the festival (Saying night night x everynight, initiating contact, wanting to meet up) to what she is now (Not initiating contact, except having a go at me)
Now im still carrying on with my plan, and this isnt exactly Eating away at me! coz Im still going on holiday etc...just wondered what other ppl thought?
I think its similar to A.z Below :)...I havent said Happy Birthday to girls ha, but she assumed I had moved on (i didnt purposely shove it in her face) and I actually think she is moving on
Thanks all x
Just to add a bit more for a.z and my question
I dont know if she saw all the photos or if she only saw 1 coz she isnt friends with the female either and the main pic was a public nightclub.
Anyways, for a.z Sometimes females friends post stuff like I said below and it doesnt mean anything. For instance, The day this female put all these pics of me and her up her friend commented on the album saying this
"Whos the guy? Your new Bf? hes Hot!! ;)"
The girl then commented saying, "Nah, Hes just a friend :)"
So you cant always assume things :P...I dont know if my ex saw those comments or not...I dont think so, think she only saw the 1 public picture.
but do you see what I mean about female friends sometimes trying to push or hint at stuff?
Hope it helps x
Hey Festive David! :D I have a big smile on my face because 1) you didn't wallow that she didn't come friday but actually went out and enjoyed yourself instead; 2) that you rekindled an old friendship with a 'hottie' and took pics, the fact that She posted the pics and not you shows that it wasn't intended for your ex to be jealous but worked out for you and 3) Finally, and whether you still want your ex or now, she finally realises her loss in losing you and that you're that hot gorgeous hunk yourself that can get a beautiful model, one word = DESIRABLE! I'm so happy for you, I'm glad you showed her some self control and don't worry about asking her whether she's done stuff or not, who cares? You're not so concerned about her because you can get any beautiful woman you like and atm you're saying No thanks, I'm going away! I love your spirit :) Hooray!!!
Hi Rihanna :)
Thanks for your reply!
I guess the only thing that im worried about is, that her attitude completely changed (before she found out about the pics) and if its because of 1 of 2 things
1) - I missed my "Chance" when she was complimenting me etc before the festival but I honestly dont think she wanted me back then either
2) - Her attitude changed after the festival because although she wanted to catch up...it quickly change when she had another guy chase her or something and she wanted to keep it secret?
3) - Do you think the jealous thing has pushed us further apart?
But yeah, Im defintiely back to my confident self now, Like obviously want her back, but im still going about ym business been confident.
Im going away by myself and im hoping that when I change ym profile picture on FB whilst im out there or when I get back, this will help me with her GSI as she loves travelling.
x
Hey Festival David :)
I think you're doing great and the best thing you've done for yourself and your relationship is take time away from it to the point where you've 'sort of' moved on. I'm a girl and there's nothing sexier than a man other girls would like to be with, particularly if those girls are hotties. Every girl wants a guy all girls want and envy the girlfriend for him but not because of looks only, more so because of his great personality and his caring nature and you, my friend, possess great qualities that are very attractive. First, your travels mean you're wordly and adventurous rather than scared and lazy. It means you're confident and have passion for life which is also very attractive. You're playing your cards right and your patience is helping you in getting what you want. Feeling jealous can only make her realise that she still has feelings for you so a bit of jealousy is healthy in a relationship but don't take it too far. She wanted to keep a guy 'secret' cos she doesn't see a future with him and she's not at all serious about him but also that she cares for you still and doesn't want to lose you or hurt your feelings. I think you're on the right track to winning her back but don't avail yourself too much for her, let her meet you half way. I'm very happy for you :)
Thanks Rihanna :)
There wasnt a"Reply" on your latest comment, so im replying to the one above.
Yeah im not taking this jealously too far, it wasnt even my plan! Im going to apologize for my communication when she was getting jealous over the girl, just going to figure out how to say it, not meeting her tonight now, so im going to email it. Something like this:
"I just want to take the time to apologize for how I spoke to you on sunday, i know you already apologized to me.
However I never apologized myself at the time, for letting you think something was going on and not correcting you straight away. Its not a nice thought to have in your head thinking your ex has moved on with someone else despite what you may feel towards me, it wasnt my intention for you to get that thought in your head, so sorry for not recognising it sooner! x"
How does that sound? x
Hey David,
I have to agree with Edward on this one, you don't need to apologize to her. However, since you still have feelings for her and care enough not to hurt her a simple apology is good. Saying "I know that you apologized to me" straight after your apology sounds as if you're apologising only cos she did first. Perhaps you can express that you've received her apology in another way and at the end of the email. But if you've sent it already then it's all good, it's not a big deal I hope. Then, you've apologized to her or used the word apology and sorry three times in the one email, don't sound too desperate to please. I personally think the email is so sweet and heartfelt but from what I've read about her she may go cold cos you're warm and gentle, lol some girls are weird like that. I think you're doing great in every thing, you're a gentleman in the way you approach her every time and I hope she values these qualities in you. All the very best! :)
ps: I just read this message and that's why I didn't comment sooner :( Sorry!
Hey David,
After break up, you two are no longer together. She is allowed to do what she wants and you are too. At this point, if you really want to get back with her, I would suggest you to apologize for what happened. I know you haven't been asking what she was up to, that's good but having arguments while not even being in a relationship will close it off. If you two want to be together, you can't have this "okay you do whatever you want and I do whatever I want" attitude. I know you didn't purposely shove it to her face, but you have to think of how she feels. I hope you can see where I'm coming at.
Hi Edward,
I can definitely see where your coming from. I do need to work on my communication a bit coz although I didnt admit to doing anything, i never denied it right off the bat either!
She apologized in the argument by saying "I was been a bitch I shouldnt of acted that way etc"
We met yesterday but only for 10 minutes whilst I picked up her backpack that she is lending to me for my europe trip. She doesnt know about the Portugal trip yet that Im going on next week!
Should I apologize or will that come across as Chasing?
Thanks for your opinion
David, since she has apologized, it's a good sign. You should apologize as well and tell her how you really feel, it will bring you two closer. Just be nice, honest and sincere from now on. Avoid arguments at all cost, right now you two are not even together. It's best to let her win if you have to, you won't come across needy as long as you are confident. I don't think chasing is a bad thing at all, chasing lets the other person know that you want them and that you they are important. It's only bad if you seem needy and insecure while chasing (which I don't see that you are at all). You don't have to play hard to get or anything, just be yourself, be fun and be happy. She will definitely be attracted to that. Surprise her with a gift before you go on the trip, bring her a gift when you come back. These are all signs that you really want the relationship to work. Although you two aren't together, imagine you are going after someone, I would give it my all. You've done NC already, you are able to contact her face to face, so why not make the best use of it? It's time for you to shine and show her how much you've changed (in a positive way). Good luck David, you have a good chance if you believe in it as much as I do, I really hope this helps.
David,
Since she has apologized, it's a good sign. You should apologize as well and tell her how you really feel about her, it will bring you two closer. Just be nice, honest and sincere from now on. Avoid arguments at all cost, right now you two are not even together. It's best to let her win if you have to, you won't come across needy as long as you are confident. I don't think chasing is always a bad thing at all, chasing lets the other person know that you want them and that you they are important to you. It's only bad if you seem needy and insecure while chasing (which I don't see that in you are at all). You don't have to play hard to get or anything, just be yourself, be fun and be happy. She will definitely be attracted to that.
Surprise her with a gift before you go on the trip, bring her a gift when you come back. Comment her how pretty she is, tell her your feelings for her. These are all signs that you really want the relationship to work and that you care for her. You have to show her that you still love her, not in a needy way, but in a genuine way. Although you two aren't together, imagine that you are going after someone. You've done NC already, you know yourself that you won't come off needy because you know for a fact that you can be happy without her. If I were you, I would give it my all and make each meeting count. I'm not telling you to constantly ask her out, but when you two are able to contact her face to face, why not make the best use of it? It's time for you to shine and show her how much you've changed (in a positive way). Good luck David, have confidence, you have a good chance if you believe in it as much as I do, I really hope this helps.
Haha, duplicate comment sorry about that :P
Thanks a lot Edward :)
If I end up seeing her tonight, I will apologize, I dont want to just suddenly bring it up out of nowhere in text, But If I see her tonight as Im going to shops near her work and may aswell give her a lift home if shes leaving at same time as me.
Then Ill just let her know I didnt mean for her to get upset etc and didnt think shed be bothered especially as nothing was happening
The thing I am most scared about though is how to break it to her that Im going to Portugal! lol
Reason why, is We went to Portugal when we were starting to date and that was our place. She bit my head off when I went back to same place with my friends before! because Portugal was OUR place
Im not going to same place....but still, its portufal! lol
The thing im most scared about though, is letting her know that im going or have been to portugal!
Portugal was OUR place as thats where we went when we first started dating!...she had a go at me before for going with friends when I went to same place without her.
She had a go at me coz it was OUR place...
Im going to different place this time, but its still portugal!
Haha, tell her I am sure you'll figure it out. Just remember not to argue and you'll be fine, good luck David! Dont worry.
I mean I'm sure you'll figure it out* these typos omg
dear david,
i read your post and i think you did great.right no my mind is exploding from my situation so i don't know if my suggestions for you will be right but i'm absolutely sure that she has feelings for you.sometimes jealousy pushes people further away like my case.i love him but i really want to move on.so i think you should apologize or explain something in a cool confident tone.thank you again david for writing this for me i really appreciate it x
David,
You made me laugh! Not only I believe your girlfriend acts like mine but you also act like me!
As I mentioned earlier, my breakup was gradual. At some point, I felt like we have already broken up! So, one day I invited a girl to a festival, not to date but to have fun having conversation with someone! She posted a picture on Facebook of the festival and tagged me! For anyone to visit my wall, it was clear that my ex wasn't with me but this girl was!
The result was that it made my ex jealous but she retaliated about 3 weeks later when I invited her for another festival and she went there with her friends leaving me alone! Maybe jealousy can work with other girls, but to mine it wasn't 100% working!
I believe all comments above are somewhat helpful. Plus, it seems like you have stronger hold on your mind than I had on those days!
Its great that you are confident and look amazing! Losing you will give your ex a harder time! Don't forget (because I did forget) that girls look for someone to comfort them rather than someone who would stress them up!
My ex's last text message was, "I'm tired of you excuses!" Don't make your girl tired my friend!
Anyway, its hard to say what is the best policy for a girl who plays mind-game! I understand you!
Your doing great! Good luck!
Haha, I know youve said quite a lot of times our situation is similar :)
Thing is, I actually 100% felt my ex making the effort just before the festival, even the day before the festival.
But then something switched last week like I said.
bit weird though coz shes told me she didnt do anything at the festival (not that I asked) I actually just said I had accepted the breakup and I understand what was going through her mind, coz I thought it whilst at the festival
She then basically asked "Why" and I told her that "I imagined her with guys at the festival"...to which she told me she didnt do anything but then somehow used that AGAINST ME! haha
She said "Well, you obviously didnt feel any feelings then, coz you thought I had done stuff with guys at the festival and never piped up! lol"
cant win in any situation haha
But yes I am feeling a lot stronger now a days but still want to make the right choices :)
I have a comment on above comments. Don't buy her gifts from your journey but get a cheap card which implies that "I remembered you there"! However, I highly agree with Edward! I find his comments close to perfect in most posts here!
If she ask you why did you go there, you can say that you wanted to sort things out for a while in a new environment.
Truly can't make any conclusion on her change! Maybe she found that initiating contacts with you is not working anymore and she is now working on some other plan! Maybe she is doing Limited Contact now! LOL Probably she is trying different approaches (i.e., be cold if he is cold, be worm if he is worm)! Don't obsess on it! It will enervate you!
Hello Kevin,
About two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 2 and a half years. Unfortunately in the first month I didn't handle the situation that well. In general I was trying to convince him to get back together using some of the wrong ways you have mentioned on your website. But I have finally decided to stop any communication for more than a month of course. The problem is that I will probably meet him in 2 weeks at the airport since we had booked the same flight when we were still together. I seriously don't know how to react. What do you think?
Julia
Just be confident and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Don't talk about anything personal and if he tries to talk about personal stuff, tell him that you don't think it's the right time to talk about it.
Well, Ive dated this guy, he was kinda inmature, but hey I love him like a crazy, but well... he cheated on me and I found out like 6 months later, it was "just a kiss" thing, well I was going to forget about it, to keep our relationship, we even wrote pros & cons, and then all of the sudden, he just started to be indifferent & stuff... so I literally suffered a lot, and cried and he kept speaking to me, its been a month and he just can't stop texting me & calling me at nights, he tells me he loves me but apparently as a friend & he also keeps sending me kisses and stuff... I just think thats not a way you treat your friend. Can you help me out?
He doesn't consider you a friend. He considers you a backup and he doesn't want you to move on. That's the way you treat a backup, not a friend. Stop being his backup. Start no contact and take your life and relationship in control.
Hello everyone. My gf and I been together for 9 months and it has been 2 months since we broke up. And the thing is I pretty messed up my chances(?) I've written her a letter about how I felt and that I know that we are over but I also return some of her stuff that she has given me. And now I'm doing the NC because apparently I wasn't able to do it before. After she told me it's over I kept on texting her for a week then I stopped for a couple of days and contacted her again. And then the last contact I made was on her bday. And its been 8 days since the last I contacted her. But I kept on looking over her profile and saw that it didn't even "sting" for her and that I bet she's liking someone new. But I know what we had is still there. And I really want to make it work with her. So any advice that can you give me. I will really appreciate it. Thank you.
K,
Follow the advice in the article.
Hello everyone! I need advice. I texted my ex two days ago to thank him for being great w my daughter and he hasnt responded. I think I'm more upset at the fact that this is the first time and only time of the year that ill be without my daughter and he's not taking advantage of this opportunity. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's too proud. Whatever the case may be, im afraid he wont take advantage of this time, knowing I no longer have a babysitter throughout the year. I want to express my feelings toward this and text. Whatever he responds I guess ill accept it and move on. But he has decided to be part of my daughters life, idk.... she left a day ago, I may be panicky... should I just wait? I feel so impatient. I know im not crazy. What he says is one thing and what he does is another. I think he's mad that I didnt go out with them on sunday and went out with others instead. This is bothering me, pls help.
confused,
I think in your case you are both confused, let some more time pass. atleast a week. then text him. hes not responding right now anyway.
Hey, don't worry about what he thinks, it will drive you crazy. If you don't think that he is capable of taking care of your daughter, then how can you even expect to get back into a relationship with him? If you want to get back with him a relationship, it will require trust, so trust him and believe that he will take good care of your daughter. Positive thoughts will make your life happier. I think you have to bring your mind to peace and calm, let go of stress. You have a lot to go in life, don't let these things bother you.
Okay, so my gf broke up with me a few weeks ago (had to wait to post on here so it wouldn't be instantly deleted). She at first told me that she didn't think the relationship was going anywhere, but it seemed kind of abrubt. Less than 12 hours before that, I had sent her a picture of me after I got a haircut I know she likes and she was very excited about it. Later, she told me that she broke up with me because she never loved me, was never happy with me, and that I'm basically boring. The first 2 I can prove aren't true. She got together with another guy 2 days after she broke up with me and I'm sure they had been talking about it beforehand. She seems happy with this new guy, but I don't think they'll last very long since they've already been fighting about small things. This was a long distance relationship, but the guy she's dating right now is also long distance so I don't think it was due to the distance. Any help? I've been applying no contact as best I can and I didn't beg too much for her to come back to me although she's aware that I want her back and she knows I love her very much and I always took care of her and except the last few weeks, she loved and craved my attention. Please help me. I really miss her.
Hey Anson,
You should follow the plan. You have a decent chance. I'll recommend you do NC for 2 months though. It'll give her new relationship time to fall apart and for her to realize you are moving on as well.
Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate it and everything you do for not just me, but everyone on this site. Without it, I would have probably destroyed my chances by now by doing everything you've told me not to. I'll post updates later on and I'll be keeping up with everyone else's stories as well.
Dara,
i guess he is seeing someone.i found him like a girls pictures randomly.i didn't care at first.but i checked the girl's profile and i found that it was her birthday and he wrote: happy birthdaaaay on her wall,and a couple of the girls friends liked it.i think it's over and i don't have a power to fight with this one.i'm going to finish everything,i'm so sick of it.
Dear a.z.,
At first I wanted to say that writing "Happy Birthdaaay", does not mean anything but when I read about other girl friends liking it won't, yeah, its fishy!!
I am so sorry to hear this but I am sure that you are so powerful, intelligent and sexy that he is going to be the one who is at loss!
To move on easily, I recommend you to confirm that he is seeing her somehow but very fast (maybe tonight or maximum by tomorrow morning through a friend) but don't get mad! Move on as if you never cared about him! I personally don't consider it manly to cry on a video-call show your love and start sneaky relationship with someone else. It makes me sick too!
Also, why don't you try the guy you met in the swimming pool a couple of days ago (take it slow, LOL). After all, its been a while that you haven't been in a good relationship.
I will be glad to hear your updates! Best of luck for now!
thank you dara,i feel kinda terrible right now.i want to talk to him and pretend like i'm ok but i know he is not gonna admit it and will say that there is nothing between them.i'm absolutely going to go out with that guy.dara i feel a terrible pain in my heart i have never felt before.i expected anything but not this.i was totally sure that he is not seeing anyone.he is such a liar.i hate myself for losing my days in a relationship with him and then 4 months to get him back.i never want to get back with him.i know i have already suggested too many people here not to panic and pretend like they are just friends but this is when you can except the fact when he is seeing someone and you still want him back,i really can't handle this.the worst thing is that he lied.that happy birthdaaay was on july 1st.and he sent me like hundreds of texts in july 2nd and 3rd.he is such a jerk.he is even playing with that girl.i hate myself for loving an idiot.i'm not gonna say a word about it to my friends and family cuz any word from them would kill me but i can hear anything from you.tell me i should forget him and its enough.say something that makes me feel better.i wish no one ever experience this.i even feel sorry for the poor girl.
i remember the girl :O. over a year ago he got to know some strangers accidentally on a god damn street celebration.(when i was in europe for 2 weeks ).then i saw he became friends with a new guy on fb then the guy tagged him in a photo which was that guy,my ex and 2 girls in it.and now i found that she is one of them :O .i have no idea how and when they became friends on fb. that day he was talking like he doesn't even know the girl's name.i remember he said that another girl was that guy's girlfriend.and that guy is one of the friends who liked my ex's post.
Hey A.Z. you've always been great giving me advice, now let me try to do the same... if it's true he's dating this girl, why would he contact you many times, especially after her bday. He's either a jerk or a confused man. I would date other ppl while this situation plays out.
Dear a.z.,
Sorry for the delay. The fact is that you cannot convince yourself to move on unless you are 100% sure that he is seeing her and this "facebook likes" imply something for sure!
My suggestion is to find a friend now and do something for tonight! Also, whatever you do, turn of your cell phone! If you go out, keep the phone at home! There are chances that you drink and do something!
You feelings are absolutely normal! There is nothing wrong with your feelings!
I assure you the toughest time you have is tonight. Since there has been about 4 months, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better! Remember, you are not the first one that is experiencing it and you won't be the last one! By the way, whatever I say is about the worst case scenario! The best case scenario is that it was nothing but some Facebook comments and Likes with no special meaning!
Believe me, you need to confirm it first! I have no idea for now. I was thinking maybe you could ask a guy friend to ask the girl if there is anything between them in a tone implying that maybe he is interested in her but I don't know if this idea is good or viable!
By the way, you should be happy that you have a guy backup there longing for you! Many who are cheated on, find themselves alone in the world! Just don't do anything crazy for tonight, tomorrow will be a much better day, even if you hear that he was with her (hope that's not true)! Best of luck! Also, I am back home and will be online for a couple of more hours. I will be glad to hear from you!
a.z,
Shrug it off though it's hard. dont go to his profile. move on totally and remove all hope coz youre only hurting yourself. if he really is seeing someone else dont chase him. decide either to move on or wait. do what you know is best for you. good luck!
Dear a.z.,
This isn't like you at all ): when I read your post, I can sense frustration, jealousy and anger.. you shouldn't let his actions affect your happiness, you know that deep inside already. I know you may feel terrible now because of what is going on, but don't think so much about it. Find happiness in yourself, and remember to keep your mind clear and calm. Only then will you be able to see the situation more clear and find the solution to your problem. You need to accept everything life has to offer and the more positively you can view it, the more grateful you will become. Take good care of yourself because it is most valuable. I will be here if you need to talk.
a.z,
I would also like to add something about your last post on July 3rd. As you can see, he's trying to make the effort to see you before he leaves. It means that he cares about you and misses you. If these feelings mean anything to you, I think you should give him a chance. Playing hard to get isn't always a good thing, sometimes it will lead you to situations like how you are feeling now. Like you've said, it's been 4 months, you should know whether he's worth your time. If you are serious about reconciliation, the next time he asks you out, I would definitely go for it because I can tell that you miss him as much as he does.
Hi A.z
Festival David :P
Just want to add my 2 cents, Im in a VERY similar situation here, Im going to post my question above in a few moments and if you read that you will see why Im going to say dont jump to conclusions JUST yet :)
Im pretty much almost exactly on the other end of your situation ahah, I have actually wrote on a few womens walls the past few days (this isnt what got me in trouble) but I can tell you 100% from my point, it didnt mean anything!...Sometimes the woman will "Like" it as to say "Thanks" Her friends havent like dthem, BUT!.....I have had this in the past and it can be nothing!
Basically, Ive had other women "Like" my comments/Birthdays on another womans wall, simply because their friends saw it and thought I was hot and was basically like "oooo Hes this guy?"
So although it sounds fishy because they met a few years ago, You might need to just chill a bit and find more information out. Just carry on trying to live your own life :)
Thanks x
thank u Dara,Daniel,Edward,David,thank u guys your comments make alot of sense and i'm so glad to have you guys here.last night was a nightmare.i texted him and asked him to tell the truth.i didn't mention that i saw the post on her wall.i asked if there is anything between them.he said no there is nothing between us and it was just her birthday and i just wrote a simple happy birthday on her wall and i have no idea why her friends liked it so much.i said it was non of my business and whatever he does is upto him i just asked cuz if its so i can start a new relationship without thinking about his feelings and also its not fair to the girl that we are still talking.he said there is no girl and sent me kisses and asked me for kisses.i didn't respond to it.guys i have a feeling that i don't want him anymore.i don't know if he is being honest and i'm kinda sure he is hiding something from me i really love him but i don't want him back if he is playing with me.i'm going to talk to him today and say its over.now our relationship is like we are in a relationship but actually we are not.both of us expect something from the other one and we are like we have limits and if we do something we don't let the other one understand about it.i hate this.i know i did alot like this and even worse than this. i even slept with two guys and i'm sure he also did have sex but where are we going?its stupid.what do you guys think?
thank you very much for your support
and guys could you please give me some sentences that i can use today? i'm so confused i'm not sure if i'm gonna use the right words.i want him to feel like i'm done and i'm moving on because sooner or later one of us will start a new relationship and then things get worse and its better to say goodbye sooner.
Hi A.z,
After reading what he said to you etc, I dont think it did mean anything at all but you probably know bit better then me.
Your situation has helped me coz if the way you are feeling over your ex is how my ex is feeling over me coz she saw me with a girl then thats definitely not what I want! ha.
I really wish I could help you with the sentences but I think I shoot myself in the foot far!!! too much for me to actually help you with your sentence as I wouldnt want to mess it up for you too! haha
Is it worth just trying to have a mature conversation with him and ask where he sees things going?
x
A. Z.,
Dying to know but afraid to find out, huh? I guess, you are not stable yet. Even me, I am moving on but if ever I'll be seeing my ex with someone else, I might have that gut-wrenching feeling in me no matter how much I no longer love her at all.
I know that feeling that you want to ask right at the moment you saw it if therr is something going on with them. It is acting clingy and needy. And you let emotions rule out.
Like Dara suggested, why not try to wait for a day(s) to let the feeling pass? Emotions defy logic. You don't want any of him now because of what you saw. But in the days after when you will be telling him it's over, you might regret it.
You said you no longer love him that much right? I suggest, if you see that whatever he is doing is affecting you negatively, you might wanna cut him off. Because as long as you are around each other you will never be stable.
I loved my ex but I decided to cut ties simply because I can't be stable when we have this false friendship. Whatever littlest thing she does to the opposite sex, I get angry and jealous and all negative emotions surface.
I realized it wasn't healthy and besides I love myself more than I love her. I decided to cut contact so that I can start moving on and be stable.
It is tiring to not be in a relationship but get stressed with an ex. Anyway, it is always up to you. But if you think you've had enough and this 'post break up' thigs are hindering you to grow then I suggest to weigh the pros and cons.
Be sure to make someone happy before the day ends. Even if that someone is yourself :)
a.z.,
I believe by now you feel a lot better! I also believe that you can figure out what that liking mean now. By the way, you shouldn't care when and how did he or any other boyfriend added some friends. It shouldn't matter at all!
I understand your feelings: even though you were happy and felt good about everything but your brain is still divided into different parts. One part still asking you to move on while the other part wanting him. Even though these parts are not as loud as they used to be months ago but the fact that you have been listening to them for months has made you tired! I understand that! You are tired with these 4 months!
Really can't conclude anything from those "like" but better you do it with no signs of insecurity! Yes, this is confirmation is a bit insecurity which exists in everyone (Kevin has sent emails on it).
I remember that a cute girl wished my last birthday with with 3-4 hearts in her sentence some months ago on Facebook. My ex asked me who is she. She was the wife of one of my friends who truly loved her good looking husband. So those hearts were really meaningless both to me and to her! Here I agree with David!
I should confess that yesterday I wasn't the optimist that I used to be. Sorry about that a.z.! Let us know what you feel today! Thank you! :)
thank you very much dara,no your comments really made me feel better last night and today.i'm not feeling that terrible pain but i think its because i found that he doesn't want to lose me but i never want to be the third wheel.even if there is nothing between them now ,this may someday soon happen between my ex and any new girl.i totally understand what you said but i feel like i need to end this.i can't let him think that i'm always gonna be there fore him.i'm searching to find the best words to talk to him without any anger or insecurity.
a.z.,
I recommend you take a deep breath and chill down. Take a few days to make sure that you want to end everything with him. After all, you have spent 4 months! Come on! I just imagine the worst case scenario for him! He wished a happy birthday for a girl and some drunk friends liked this comment. Now he is about to lose the hopes to get the girl he loved just because of some silly "like" on Facebook.
The ultimate decision is yours but If I was you, I would have given him another chance and sort things out after a month of relationship with him. If it didn't work move out and don't ever look back! I truly feel bad for the 4 months you have spent working on yourself!
David,Daniel,Dara
thank you very much guys.sorry i just saw your comments.you guys are right and i really appreciate the time you spent,thank you:X i wrote our conversation in a new post above.thank you again guys.
Kevin I didn't got your step #5. What should I do to sort out this stuff? Please help me out.
Alfi,
It seems you are subscribed to the email series. The 5th step is the email series. You will get an email everyday with tips and motivation to help you get through NC.
How long after no contact shall I wait before I ask to meet my ex? And what shall I do if they don't reply to my first message?
2-3 weeks. If they don't reply, wait another week and try again. If still nothing, do NC again for one month.
Hi guys,
so i was about to break my no contact after around 50 days and ask to meet her when she texted me sending me a picture of mine asking me to set it as my display picture.
I was on my way to my grandmother's place, i replied her 2 days later when i came back saying i had something to tell her and she should tell me when she is free.
She just replied with 'Ok'.
Next day i asked her if she was free she asked why am i asking that i just said i had some work near her place so maybe we could meet, she said she is not in the city.
I changed my picture while sending this message. And then removed it after some time.
I will be leaving the city tomorrow to join college, how can i continue things via phone to keep things going till we meet ?
Should i add her on facebook ? ( I had removed her)
Thanks :)
Hi Anon,
If she is continuing to contact you, I think you should let her do the contacting for now. Try to let it be her idea to get back with you. It's been 50 days of NC, you should be happy now even without her, so be patient. Yes I think you can add her on FB, don't expect anything though. If she doesn't contact you within a week, I think you should contact her through text again.
Ok. After doing all the usual mistakes, major ones too. We have finally texted. Called a bit and met up.
It hard as my ex has a partner. I think we are meeting this week too, unsure yet.
It's tricky and would like sum advice. It seems signs are there but still unsure. We sent YouTube videos to each other of songs etc... it's a very tricky situation.
Any advice?? Thanks
Just be yourself and be confident. Remember, even if things don't work out with her, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just have fun and keep things light.
Hi Kevin,
About two weeks ago my bf broke up with me, this was part of a nearly 2 years on and off relationship, we have gotten pretty serious over the last six months and I really thought it would work, during the relationship I felt like we had the best relationship ever! In addition to us being in a relationship during the past two years we have become really really good friends, so even the times when we weren't dating we were pretty close and I would have considered him my best friend and so would he.
We recently started a business together, so the whole NC is a bit difficult but I'm trying to keep it to strictly business. Last weeks we have a business meeting together and he offered that we go out afterwards for coffee, which I agreed to... We ended up going out to a late dinner and he kept on calling my baby like he used to when we were in a relationship.
Despite this relationship being on and off all the time, the past six months have been amazing, I feel like we both brought out the best in each other and have improved one another. I guess I probably should not have gone out to dinner with him so soon after the breakup... I really hope we can get back together, I really do feel like this relationship was the right one and I believe that the reason he broke up with me is because I recently became quite clingy (for reasons not related to him), and that made him less attracted to me and nervous.
What do you think, do you think there is a still a chance?
Hey Gabs,
There's a pretty good chance. Your relationship is used to breaking up and getting back together. But there's also a pretty good chance that you will breakup again after that. It's been going on for 2 years. The maximum you two have been together is six months. Do you really think this relationship can last for decades? If you are absolutely sure, only then get back together with him. If not, you will be better off moving on.
Hi my ex asked for a break because he was starting a new job and found getting everything sorted he wouldn't have time for me but has told me he still wants contact what should I do?
It's not a breakup, just a break. So, ask him clearly what he means by this break. Does it mean he wants to start seeing other people? Or he just needs a little space right now. If it's the latter, then stay in touch, but keep it minimum. If it's the former, then tell him you can't stay in touch with him and treat it like a breakup.
Hello,
my ex and i broke up today.
I am convinced that we're meant to be together long term. Admittedly, I have had some major depression the last month, which drove our relationship to the ground. I am looking to make a huge change for myself and well-being. Do you think NC will work? I know he loves me too but he couldn't handle the constant arguing on my end from being unhappy / unsatisfied. Please help.
Yes, there's a good chance it'll work.
Kevin,
I'm still waiting for some insights.
Hi Azula,
I think that you should start NC and keep it for 30 days or until you are happy without him. I think that his current relationship is a rebound, and that you still have a chance. If his parents contacts or updates you, just tell them you need some time off to think about yourself. If you feel that FB status is bothering you, I would turn off the chat and news feed from him. During this time of NC, I would like you to be happy and positive without him. If you can do this, you will realize that you are single again. You have to accept the fact that you guys are no longer together and make sure you don't have these negative thoughts ruin your day. After 30 days of NC or whenever you feel ready, I think you should contact him and see if is doing better. Your mind will clear as well to see if he's really the one for you. After all, he did leave you for his financial stability and chose not to work it out with you in the relationship. Are you sure you he won't do it again? Is this the type of person you want to be with? These are some types of questions to ask yourself as your mind clears during NC.
Thanks Edward,
It's been a week since I had NC. His sister is still texting me because their youngest brother got hospitalized and had an operation. He is close to me and so I have to keep track of what's going on. No worries 'cause I made sure our conversation is only about their sick brother and nothing about ex.
The FB status I'm bothered about is the "Relationship Status" which up until now he has not changed. It still says that he is "In a Relationship" with me. I think he's afraid that if everyone knows what happened to us, they will all blame him and ask him to get back to me. I have access to his FB account but I don't want to change it by myself. I think it is both our responsibility to change it and as of now I'm thinking that I will request him to change it once I'm done with NC. Is it a good call or shall I just change it now?
Hey Azula,
It's good that you care about his younger brother, and that you're keeping it strictly to that. However, I don't think you should worry about these small things about FB. If it's a big deal to you and keeping you from moving on, why not just remove him all together? The effort you are spending worrying about FB status is not worth it, I would rather use that energy on improving yourself. You're not on NC just for him, it is for you. I think you should start by doing things that make you feel happy without your ex. We were all single at some point and we were totally fine without our exes, we didn't have to worry about FB or anything and shouldn't have to now. The sooner can find this happiness within yourself, the sooner you wont have to worry about what your ex is doing. I would continue sticking with the plan if you want a better chance of getting him back.
Edward,
Thank you again for your kind words.
His brother is still in the hospital and has some complications from the surgery so I'm still in contact with them. His sister is giving me hints that they need financial support for hospital fees but I am not sure if I should offer them help.
I haven't opened my personal FB to make my mind free of things about him but I'm still using my business account and it's funny how some people send me messages asking me things about him and all I can say is "He's busy working" and still can't tell them "We're over!" He has not contacted me since July 1st and the last thing he said to me is that he knows that I hate him so much and he is not sure of what's going to happen to his life.
I started jogging every morning and I'm glad my mom joins me every time. We get to talk about life and maybe one of these days I will be able to tell her what happened to my relationship.
Right now, working is my greatest struggle since my job concerns events like weddings and engagements and it's like a torture on me seeing happy couples while I'm trying to collect my broken pieces.
I still have a long way to go. I'm glad I found this site, it really helps me to keep going.
That's great to hear Azula (: keep it up, we are always here for you.
Hello sir !
I am an 18 yrs old student and bf is 20yrs old . We were in a relationship in one and a half years . But we broke up about a month ago . He started dating another girl 3months ago and wanted to leave me . So he made an excuse before leaving me but recently i got to know the truth and Fought with him alot . He use to refuse our relationship in front of his new girlfriend . I really loved him alot from 4yrs . Do you really think that these five steps will help me to get him back in my life .? Please help me .
IMO, these 5 steps are your best bet. No one can guarantee that they'll work, but it's worth the shot.
Hey Kevin and everyone!
2 months ago, I applied the rules to the breakup of my longtime relationship with a man I have been broken up with for one year. Well, it worked and we have been back together for 2 months. I feel like it is still relatively shaky because since we broke up, he acquired a female "best friend" who, when she met me, insulted me right off the bat and I haven't been able to get over it. He will not entertain any of my suggestions that she back off, so we can get stronger. She cooks for him and buys him things and texts and calls all the time. Everytime I turn my back, hes checking his phone and texting with her. I am trying so hard to act like it does not bother me. Last week he finallysaid that he would ask her to back off. He said that he didn't want to put a strain on our relationship. He told me she agreed and said she was "happy for us". That was last week. Last night we had some drinks and I was slightly buzzed. I excused myself to go to the restroom, but couldn't find it, so I came back to the table to find him reading a very long text from her whining about me being insecure and why can't they talk like before. I was drunk and had a meltdown. I think I ruined it. He's distant now and mad at me. How can one not be insecure about another worman disrespecting me and my precarious relationship?!? I have never dealt with this and I am beside myself. Help! He hasn't called today.
Danielle,
I've been in your shoes before so what I'm saying to you is BEST for you. He doesn't care and will string both you and her and for him it's why not? You need to stand firm on this one and give him a choice 'It's either me or her' even if they're just "friends" this is VERY DISRESPECTFUL to you as his girlfriend and to your relationship as a couple. You should have common friends that you both like and if one of you don't like a person around then for the sake of each other you would compromise. It should be the two of you against the world in a relationship, not the two of you and if things don't work out again with you then your boyfriend will have a back up plan in that other woman or that he'll use her presence to make you insecure and want to "win" him so you'll be working to get him every second of every day... I'm tired thinking of this so I feel for you cos you have to be working on this ALONE! He doesn't seem to be committed to you if he doesn't let go of that 'friendship' with the other woman. You stand firm and show that you have self respect and your dignity will NOT allow such behaviour from anyone let alone a boyfriend. Give him a choice then do NC, he might have his fun with her but your sudden disappearance will make him think about you more. And if he doesn't come back then, trust me I know, GOOD RIDDANCE! There's nothing worse than being the girlfriend who has to please his other girlfriend and you deserve better than that crap! Good luck
Hey Danielle,
I second what Rihanna has said here, I feel she has hit the nail on the head with your situation and in YOUR best interests I would recommend you do what Rihanna suggests
Thank you Steve :) But seriously I know I'm right and Danielle will be hurt from this for a long time even if he leaves that girl "friend" of his... friends do tend to get involved in other friends' lives to advise them but this uhumm "friend" is chasing him and he's happy to string whoever along... I don't see a commitment or love in this situation I'm really sorry Danielle, but ten years of neglect and having gone through the same crap myself and although I was never cheated on all this flirting and messaging is worse than physical cheating cos it's only confusing and will only destroy your self esteem and for what? AN UNDESERVING GUY? seriously, give him the ultimate choice and NEVER back off from it, "either me or her!" I mean, how would he feel if you had a guy "friend" with long texts and chewing from your time that much? try it and see his reaction, he'll leave in a heart beat!
I think to have a stronger relationship with your ex, you need to back off and let him have his friends, and trust in their friendship. if you think about it, if you were in her shoes, you might also be doubtful of your good friend going back to an ex as well (presumably, he talked to her about the issues you had previously), which might explain the bad mouthing (not that it is a good thing to do so, but a concerned friend might understandably do this). the more you hassle him, the more needy and insecure you come across, and he will be turned off. good friends do things for each other (like cook, etc.) and you should not feel jealous about it. also, male/female friendships can be different from male/male ones, for example. i have a very good male friend who dated a woman he was excited about at first but she was very insecure about his close female friendships (including with me), and he got tired of it and broke up with her. he and i are super platonic (and remain so, years after this incident). the insecurities were hers alone. best to get over it and maybe in time, you can even become friends with her too, once you see that you can get along. :) you have to be willing to accept the people he considers important in his life.
p.s. it sounds like the text he read came as a result of you asking him to back off from their friendship, which he did. again, understandably, she would be upset about it and think you are insecure. you would likely also be upset if someone who was a close friend with you suddenly backed off from being your friend just because their partner was insecure about your friendship. i know this would upset me (and this does not mean i want them as a romantic partner). you have to be able to differentiate between close friendships and romantic partnerships. it is possible for men and women to be close friends. some of my best friends are guys, and not in a million year would i ever want to date them or vice versa.
Ruth, I need to add as a Post Script that he has woman friends I have not felt threatened by. This woman insulted me without knowing me. That is the reason I have a problem with her and her alone. She's territorial of him like a gf.!!!
Danielle,
Ruth has a point and so is Rihanna. But I guess, if this 'friendship' doesn't make you feel comfortable, tell him in a proper way.
You are just starting off again with your boyfriend and I know it pisses you very much when that 'girl friend' is meddling between what you two wants. Yes, she might be a close friend but she must know her limit.
I have friends too, close girl friends that acts as my logic everytime I wany to get back with my ex. But the only difference between my 'girl friends' and your boyfriend's 'girl friend' is that my gfs know when to back off.
As much as they don't like me doing such things with my ex but when I decided that I want to do it, they just let me. Being a concerned friend too has its limit. So if it is your boyfriend's decision to get back with you, I don't think the friend should be sticking up her nose on the matter whether she likes you or not.
I see. RAED says some wise words below.
oops, above.
Hi Danielle,
As you can see from her long text, she was asking him why she and your bf couldn't talk like before. You have to trust your bf, after all, he did say that he would tell him to back off. What kind of relationship would it be without trust? I know she has insulted you and wants to take your bf away, but you wanting to fight back won't do any good. I'm not saying you can't be jealous, but since you and your bf are back together, you have to trust him. If he cheats on you, then you deserve someone better to begin with. I would stay calm and work on your insecurity. One of Kevin's emails says that insecurity is contagious, if you feel insecure, he will too. Instead of being insecure, work on the positive things about you, that way your bf will be more attracted to you rather than her.
Danielle,
I completely agree with Edward and Ruth here. He is not cheating on you by simply texting her. Yet, I agree that its annoying to see someone taken your boyfriend's attention! Your calmness will push HER further. Instead if you show your insecurity, you will push HIM further. However, if you play it cool, it will show that you have a great personality and it will be more attractive!
Plus, I warn you on putting him under pressure of choosing between you and her. It is unattractive. In short, its a deadly mistake! If if hurts you terribly, simply move on!
very wise words, Edward!
Guys,
I'm having this shit feeling of missing her again! i think what i feel is regret. that if i did this or treated her better we would still be together right now. It also pains me to think that she is in another man's arms! earlier i was driving when i looked at the passenger sit i remember when she was sitting there. It's like she is haunting me! am i crazy now? LOL! i can't focus but i have so much to do! it's like im not in the mood to do them! why do i feel like this all of a sudden????
My friend Daniel,
Your feelings are pretty normal! However, these feelings will vanish one day! One day, you will feel that these were old memories! If she is in someone else's arms, it means that she did not deserve your love! If you regret on several things, just remember that it was she who broke up with you! It means she gave no other chance to you and she is equally responsible for it now!
You deserve someone more tolerant Daniel. Maybe you should work on yourself but whatever is done is done! Can't undo life but can learn from it! Best of luck my friend for moving on and update us with what you feel or your new girlfriend!
Thanks man,
I just felt like this when i wake up. I was so positive for the past weeks. Its been 3 and a half mos since we broke up but i still have this sudden attacks of depression. I know all i can do is learn. I feel like crying out this heartache. :(
It's so hard to fall inlove. You let yourself vulnerable to someone who you thought would never leave and accept you. It's just that people change and feelings change. I've accepted the breakup but i guess this is what remains of my feelings for her.
Daniel,
Dara is right that it is just normal. I am having those too, almost everyday. Every waking hour.
That's why I hate taking a nap every noon because the moment I wake up, I feel like crying and desperate to beg her back again.
Daniel, you made a mistake that's why she broke it up with you. But she made a mistake too. Maybe you have magnified your mistake more because you are aware of what you've done. It also pains me to think that my ex is in someone else's arms. But like what Dara said, what's done is done.
You can blame yourself all you want but it wouldn't help you. You'll just allow yourself to go deeper in that quicksand of self blame. Besides who will be there for you during those times? I mean, you are by yourself, no one's going to help you but you.
I know how sh***ty that feeling is. That gut wrenching, heart-pounding pain. I suggest you acknowledge the feeling. Cry if you feel like it. Because you can somehow wash the residual feeling left until there is no more pain left. Acknowledge the feeling because if you will suppress it, it might come out later in much uglier ways. But DON'T contact her. If you do and she rejects you, you'll be back again to square one.
It is just temporary, Daniel. Tell yourself that this too shall pass.
Raed and Dara,
You're right guys. I'm so tired of all this pain. If falling inlove can be this painful I'd think twice before entering a relationship again.
I dont want this feeling anymore. I guess 1-3mos of NC can never really make you stable emotionally. Moving on is my only choice. I want to feel like when i see her photo, remember her or see her i dont feel the pain anymore. I want to be able to talk to her without the fear of being rejected.
There is more to life than her. I have more ahead of me! Thanks a lot guys! Maybe it really takes time. goodluck to all of us here! I'm always here for you!
Daniel,
Yes, it takes time. A lot of time, actually. Sometimes, months or even years will not totally heal.
I suggest you keep yourself busy or surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
We all make mistakes, Daniel. But it is up to us whether to mourn or stand up and move forward. Think long-term because emotions are just temporary.
When you feel good, plan ahead what you will be doing when those depressing feelings hit you and stick to those plans so that you won't make a mistake of contacting her.
As much as possible, avoid things, places, restaurants, cafes, social media you know that you have a memory of her because you are noy yet stable. Once you've bounced back and moved on, you cna revisit those places without the feelings anymore.
We are all not yet moved on, Daniel. But we are doing our best to move forward because there is no place we would be. The only time you will look back to your past is just to see how far you've come.
Cheer up, dude!
I know im only repeating myself. I've been telling the same thin about how i feel over and over again. sometimes im getting fed up with myself also. but i appreciate you people for hearing me out. maybe because we do know how everybody here feels and what they are going through. I'm araid to share to my friends sometimes thinking that they dont want to listen to me anymore because its gonna be about my ex again. but im seriously trying to move on.
I hope everyone is doing great. Wish you luck!
Daniel,
A lot of times I can just smell him and don't know how or why. A lot of times I don't do anything in my day and I'm getting quite addicted to this site cos if I'm not thinking about him then at least I can chat about him (pathetic! I know). I didn't even go to college to register today and I'm feeling like crap about it. At times I used to feel so down I don't eat. And yes I used the past tense in the last sentence cos although his smell and the memories come to mind now, it's not as bad that I won't eat these days... Things tend to get better in time, time heals all wounds. You'll meet someone who will live and die in your arms that every moment before her wouldn't even matter... one day you'll meet 'her' and all of a sudden you'll realise the purpose of your life, that's what love means and I know you have it in you to move on and find your soul mate... Don't let the past hinder your chance in love. Good luck Daniel :)
i guess we just have to accept that life is about changes.
Daniel,
No problem, dude. I am like that also. I stopped chatting my real life friends because I know that one day they will get fed up because I am repeating myself over and over again too! Ha ha!
So during down times I go here to rant because I myself is getting tired of my own drama too and I don't want my real life friends to suffocate.
I understand how you feel. Everyone is free to rant here over and over ;-)
This site have been more than a help. I almost forgot that this is about getting back With the ex. More like helping us to move on. Either way im thankful because although im still like this you guys helped me improve a lot.
Daniel, RAED & Rihanna,
Its been a while that I have decided not to consult real world friends but use internet. First of all, the guidance here has some base.
Daniel, I am happy that you felt good for weeks! Its a good sign! Next time you will feel good for a longer period of time. This is the healing process! Speaking and writing down what you feel will help you dump those feelings! Its a fact! This site has been a great asset in dumping our bad feelings and growing better ones! Kudos to Kevin!
You guys always seem to know what I'm thinking and feeling. Daniel I'm like you I have good days where I do OK and real bad days where I suck and I cant stop thinking about my ex and the bliss moments we had, as you and others have mentioned, it can be little things from smells to when I'm driving my car and I get the 'missing her' feeling. Right now my toughest time is when I go to bed, some nights like last night my mind just doesn't want to switch off and I have intense feelings of missing her, even 2 months on from the breakup.
I also have stopped talking to my real life friends about how I feel as I know they were getting tired of hearing me talk about it all the time. I'm at the stage now where I know I have to move on but its so tough and its fantastic to come here and see that I'm not alone in how I feel and I'm not going crazy or being stupid
Steve and dara,
The feeling sucks. Sometimes i'm mad at my ex for maling me feel this way but i know its not the right thing. Ww just have to be strong and bear with the pain for it will pass. It wont be forever.
Daniel,
These types of feelings are with everyone here. In a few days, it will become a year that we met. So, the smell of the nature also reminds me of our honeymoon time! I felt it yesterday and a part of me said, I wish she was there! I checked my Linked-In profile after a long time and found out that she has changed her picture. She has put a picture that we talked about. It made me miss her! That's true! I missed her! Fortunately, these feelings are not strong enough to make me do crazy stuff! We are all in the same boat friend!
Dara,
BTW how long was your relationship with her?
Nine months! Not long enough but not that short! Its easier for me to move on because I believe most of you guys here have much longer memories than I have!
Dara,
do you still want her back? all honesty
Daniel,
Honestly, my brain is still divided into different part! Since the 65th day that I saw her, she wasn't that attractive to me anymore! I realized that she has degraded from an angel to an ordinary girl on that day! My brain tricks me! When I imagine her, she is charming! When I remember the way she looked that day, she was just an ordinary girl!
Just like you, I remember that there were days that I did not pay full attention to her! Sometimes I feel guilty for the beginning of the problems but she also gave me no chance to prove that my promises are really firm! She was cruel and ruthless in dumping me! I can't forget it! I can come up with the idea that her last boyfriend dumped her much more cruel and ruthless than what she did to me! Unbelievable! That ass**le made a big fool out of this girl! This happened 3 years ago and she was single for 3 years!
My conclusion to your question is NO! I don't want her back! I can't forget what happened between us and that will affect the quality of our relationship even we come back even though sometimes I find things that remind me of good days with her! For this reason, I am working on finding new girls! New girls, new life, new memories!
Typo! They broke up 3.5 years ago and she was single for about 2.5 years! She was very much insecure about me using her most of the time!
Dara,
I envy. I hope to become like you. By far in my opinion. you madr a lot og progress compared to us. Most succesful story. More power to you bro.
Daniel,
There isn't any reply button on Dara's last comment.
I've been with my ex for 5years wherein 2years as a couple.
Before, I want her back and I'll do anything. Even become a doormat and give her all the freedom she wants.
But by the last time we met in person and with the way she dealt with the breakup for 2months, I got really mad and cursed her. Ha ha
She broke up with just a text message then no show for 2months. Then when we saw each other personally she have told me she had moved on for those 2months and I'm like, 'what the actual f*** i was asking you to see me immediately so we can talk this over so i'll know what should i do if it's final or what'. I felt really betrayed that she didnot contact me for 2months because she's moving on and I don't know what to do with those 2months. She made sure she has moved on already before she met me to tell me to move on too. What an unfair, selfish -whatever-word she is!
I gpt disgusted with how she deat with me post breakup. Whenever I see her face on fb, i Get disgusted. She's not even attractive to me now haha!
The breakup is fine with me. If she no longer loves me then fine. But what made me have my final decision is with the way she treated me after. I am never going back aith tjat selfish girl! Becuase I know in the future when she sees some better opportunity she'll leve again.
Because her forever means, UNTIL I FIND SOMEONE BETTER.
No Daniel, I don't have the best story! I have a good one but not the best! There are a lot of guys/girls around who have better stories than mine! One of the reasons is that I come here to read comments instead of working on my life! This means I didn't have the best story! Plus, I sometimes miss her! It means I am not 100% over! I am doing my best to get over!
Hey RAED,
I also like you approach! Its really strong! Keep it up!
I have the very same feeling we broke up nearly two months ago I have been doing all the dump stuff since we broke up till I come across here few days ago she even blocked me from fb when I went to her place uninvited to leave her flowers trust me I look now more desperate and needy more than anyone has but in those two months major things have changed and advanced she has an idea of because I've been texting she broke her NC HOWEVER with that she appreciates me but she can't have this in her life right one and that she knows how much she means to me and I asked for forgiveness them she told me it takes time so please give me that. That was on June 19th yet I only stop texting for a week then I go back to all the I'm sorry and I know my mistake things,, I have stopped few days ago and then I would say NC should last for three months ... I wouldn't bet on winning her back but well no contact for three months is the thisplan now them the letter " email" and from then we will see how things would go
Hey I was just wondering, should I delete her off facebook/skype completely? I can resist the urge to chat if I see her online, but it still triggers memories of her. If she notices I deleted her, will it make things worse, or will she realize I don't rely on her anymore and I am capable of moving on. Just wondering whether this is a good or bad idea.
You can delete her. Let her think whatever she wants about it. When you get back in touch, you can explain it to her the reason you did it.
Its been 3 whole months since me and my partner split. He broke up with me because my daughter has behaviour problems. He couldn't handle her. He then told me few weeks after we split that it was all my fault because I was insecure. I did the no contact with him. But only reply to his texts weekends as we have a son together. He told me to find Mr right. And he threw in the towel. He said he can't give me any more chances and if I wasn't so secure he still be with me. I don't understand how he can say he struggled with my daughter. Then say it was all my fault. I have gave him time to himself, but he then texts me saying he was not the one for me and have a happy life cause he's never coming back to me. I do love him very much. I just want my family back to how it used to be. Help please :-(
Hey Kelly,
You should do no contact for 2-3 months and follow the advice in the article. It's your best bet. However, be prepared for the worst. There's always a chance it won't work out. And if it doesn't, you should move on.
Hello,so it's been two days and my ex hasn't contacted me.When we met he said all these things about him trying but there he is not doing anything.What should i do? I was thinking about calling him tomorrow and ask him to meet me the day after tomorrow and ask for explanations face to face.Should i do that or completely ignore him too?
RD,
I don't know what your story is but if you haven't decided face to face yet for the closure or the final decision, I suggest you ask him because waiting is agony if you don't know where to stand. Ask him directly if it's really over.
If he says yes then do NC and move on. If he says he doesnt know, still do NC and don't waste your time waiting for him to make up his mind.
Hi RD,
If your ex said he's been trying then assume that he has. Men are simple and say things as it is so he wouldn't say I'm trying if he hasn't. And if he wants to lie he'd say I've been 'doing' he wouldn't say 'trying', so I'm not sure what your real story is but it wouldn't hurt for you to reach out in a friendly way and arrange a time to meet, just a casual catch up. During the catch up be friendly and fun and don't ask for explanations, just yet. Let him 'want' to see you first before you bombard him with questions and explanations and take things slowly. After calling him and if he doesn't show any effort to catch up or call or anything then, you can ignore him. Play your cards right :) and Good luck!
Hello everyone!!! Yesterday I received a text from him. He requested to hang out w my daughter on her last night home, after not seeing her for 2 months! It kinda upset me bc a month ago i told him she was traveling w my mom to our hometown for the summer. Why? Idk but I knew she was going to be happy by his side so I allowed it. Last night I fixed myself up so he'll see the 'new and improved me.' Since he told me the damage of our relationship was done, and was only concerned only about my daughter, I made plans. Little did I know, he invited me to hangout with them. I told him I made plans and couldn't go. I feel that I cant be available whenever he wants. If he wants to date me, he should ask, not use my daughter. He When I saw him, I acted happy. He didnt greet me, it was only about my daughter. When they went out, he kept texting me about senseless things. After an hr being w her, he asked if I could meet him to pick her up. I told him that I was running late and to pls drop her off at my apt where my mom was staying. Since he offered I didnt think it was wrong; although, I know he dislikes my mom. Long story short, after my night out, I realized he had my daughters carseat, and I needed it for today. So I went to his house. He was silent and looked like he was upset. I told him I needed to use the restroom, he allowed it. In the bathroom I saw a sex toy (only for his pleasure, not to be shared w a partner), and commented about it :/ idk how that made him feel. I texted him a funny comment about it to ease the tension and he never responded. Next day I thanked him for taking my daughter out, and he hasnt responded. I'm feeling weird. Could it be that he's upset I didnt change my plans for him like he expected. What do you think I should do? Please help.
hey,
don't contact him until he contacts you.he is acting weird so don't act like you are thinking too much about him by texting him.if its something important,he is gonna tell you about it anyway.you did great.keep what you are doing.
I felt really guilty about the comment I made, so I texted again pictures of my daughter wearing the things he bought her, and he still hasn't responded. I think he's upset bc he let his guard down a bit and I rejected him. It's as if his entire night was a failure bc his plan backfired him. I will be alone for a month. I hope he takes this opportunity to work on us. I will take your advice A.C. NC until he reaches out to me. What a bummer!
Hello everyone!!! Yesterday I received a text from him. He requested to hang out w my daughter on her last night home, after not seeing her for 2 minths! He was told a month ago that she was traveling w my mom to out hometown for the summer, and he chose last night to see her! Why? Idk but I knew she was going to be happy by his side so I allowed it. Last night I fixed myself up so he'll see the 'new and improved me.' Since he told me the damage of our relationship was done, and he was concerned only about my daughter, I made plans. Little did I know, he invited me to hangout with them. I told him I made plans and couldn't go. I felt that I couldn't become available whenever he wanted, and this date should be only about him and me, not my daughter. He cant use her to get thru me. When I saw him, I acted happy. He didnt greet me, it was only about my daughter. When they went out, he kept texting me about senseless things. After an hr being w her, he asked if I could meet him to pick her up. I told him that I was running late and to pls drop her off at my apt when my mom was staying. Since he offered I didnt think it was wrong; although, I know he dislikes my mom. Long story short, after my night out, I realized he had my daughters carseat, and I needed it for today. So I went to his house. He was silent and looked like he was upset. I told him I needed to use the restroom, he allowed it. In the bathroom I saw a sex toy (only for his pleasure, not to be shared w a partner), and commented about it :/ idk how that made him feel
Hi Everyone,
I will keep the introduction as short as possible. I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years about 2 months ago. I was stupid and confused due to family pressure and ended up making a really bad decision. She has gone back to New Jersey for the summer and i am still on campus in Rochester, NY. We texted as friends for about a month after the breakup, but i just kept crossing the line and did everything that Kevin said not to. Soon enough we had a phone conversation that ended with her saying she never wants to talk to me again and that i never made sacrifices in the relationship and that i got too comfortable; Which is true to an extent.
After that I decided that i would do NC for a month. July 1st marked the end of the one month, so i decided to send the letter. Her brother and I are still on speaking terms, so he told me that she had received it 2 days ago, but i still haven't heard from her yet. Her brother did tell me that she really liked the letter and thought it was very nice though.
I even texted her earlier today, but she still hasn't responded. What should i do next?
Wait another week and text her again. If still nothing, do no contact for another month and try again.
I want to make sure I do everything I can to get her back because of how I feel about her. I left her so I know I need to do some of the chasing. Since she hasn't really responded to texts should I send a letter or give it another month of NC and then contact her again? Or is there anything else I can do? I feel like she knows she has me in her back pocket and I do not want that. Any advice would be great. Thanks!
Hi Jeff, I think it's best to do 30 days NC especially if you feel like she thinks she's got you in her back pocket. NC will throw her into confusion especially if you've been texting heaps lately, it'll make her realise that yes you CAN move on and live without her, and will give her a sense of insecurity that she may lose you. After 30 days send her a message, I'm not sure if a letter is a good idea since you did the breaking up, I can't say. But for your sake and to show her (and prove to yourself) that you have full control of your own emotions and that you are no doormat to anyone, NC NC NC there's not much more to say, NC works BEST! good luck!
I have not been texting heaps thankfully and I did do a 30 day NC. I am almost at 2 weeks of NC again so I think I will wait for a full 30 days. My only concern is since I did the breaking up that I need to show more chase to show her that I do care about her. I guess I am trying to find out what needs to be done different in my situation because I left her. Thanks!
Jeff,
I've commented already in that page, the letter will show everything you have cared for her. It's the last resort because if she doesn't want to see you, you can't do anything about it. If you want to show her you care before really moving on, it's the last thing you can do. After that, it is up to her.. remember, a relationship takes two.
Hi Raed, Dara, Edward, Festival David :) and Everyone! well, After he sent me a text this morning about he's been sick hence why he hasn't called I IGNORED IT! :) I know this makes Raed especially happy :) then I texted him 9 hours later with "hope you feel better" Bit cold but I felt that since he's not well I should text him. But then he CALLED ME and we talked for 1 hour and a half, he was bit flirty too and said that he called cos he feels good today and like a human and I laughed lol, although I know he's been in much pain and also, I gave him a BIG lecture and said I don't care if you're gonna be upset with what I have to say but you need to hear it, if you don't want to speak to me again then fine! He was very appreciative with my advice and also he asked me to help him with a short video he's doing for an art competition. He's won it before. He also insisted I submit my poem and that he really believes in my work blah blah... I told him that the poem I wrote about a story he shared with me is gonna be featured in a newspaper and the news here and he was happy. He was just being friendly and said all I want in life is to be healthy. Then he said he won residency to go to Germany next year but said 'I want to focus on my life, finish my masters and nobody wants go grow old and die alone'... that last bit about old and alone I brainwashed him with that lol the last phone call on Monday. I said I might come to see him and he wasn't very keen cos he's looking sick and not great lol (not that I care but for his sake I probably shouldn't go). When I was advising him I said 'I know I have no right to interfere in the way you want to live now but even as a friend I feel like I should..." He didn't say anything. I was blah before the phone call but damn! even as friends we talked for 1 and half hours and he was talking from outside in the cold lol... I could feel the connection is there still which confuses me. He left the phone saying I'll call you tomorrow to remind you to submit your poem and was adamant that I do that. This phone call left me with mixed emotions... It's great he wants to straighten out his life, that makes me happy :) Sorry for the rant hahaha
Rihanna,
Hey, finally you made me happy! Haha. I can see things are going well between the two of you! And somehow you're kinda playing hard to get which is good because you just don't dive again.
I am glad he told you he has plans to straighten out his life, I'm right on that one. Ha! And the mere fact he's told you is because maybe he wants you to know that he wants to grow better and of course, with you in it. You don't simply open up life plans to someone unless you want that someone to know so that someone can somehow prepare to and be on the same page.
So I guess, Rihanna, everything is clear to you know. Remain a bit hard to get but not too much. I mean, you are still just friends, act like one no matter how excited you are on the inside.
Build it up slowly one step at a time because if you rush it, it might be bound for failure.
He tells you he wants to fix his life because he wants you to fix yours to. So that when the time comes to settle down, you can meet each other halfway and not only of you reaches out.
Goodluck, Rihanna! I hope you could still pay us a visit here. Invite us on the wedding! Lol
thank you Raed, always a pleasure to hear from you :) ... Yes, I think it's going on the path you've always said and your advice seems spot on every time! hahahahaha @ "invite us to the wedding" lol you're so adorable... There's still the problem of me telling my family he's Muslim (I think my mum will either faint or die haha)... I need lots of luck on this relationship to work lol... but if there's a wedding in the next couple of years, even with someone else, I promise you're on the invite list! :)
I've been with this girl for past 3 months. I know it's a very short time but I felt something that I've never felt before with any other girls I've been with. She broke up with me last week. After the breakup, I entered a denial stage and I'm still recovering from that. I stopped sending her sad texts but I do send casual "how are you" texts. The reason for the breakup is that she has feelings for someone else before she met me and now she feels that it is unfair to stay in a relationship with me, but she still loves me. That's how she put it when she proposed the breakup. I'm very devastated but I also know that she's the right person for me. Right now, I know that she is with him. I can live without her but she will make my life so much better. After the breakup, I signed up for gym, started going out a little and trying to stay away from my room as much as I can. It's just too painful to enter a room with so much memories. She is going far away for her study soon. I want to make up to her and state things clear that she is the one but I don't think that I have 30 days to do that since I wont be able to see her face to face after that 30 days. What am I supposed to do now? I'm kinda lost...
Hey,
Even if you meet her before she leaves, telling her she's the one might not work. It might help you get it off your chest, but be prepared for rejection because there's a good chance she will not reciprocate, especially since she is with the one she had stronger feelings for. If you want, you can end no contact before she leaves and express your feelings. But my advice is to let her go. Your chances are very slim, especially since she will be leaving for studies and trying to maintain a long distance relationship, especially since she has feelings for someone else is going to be a minefield.
Having moments when I really miss him and regret telling him I could not be friends because I still had feelings for him so that I can go NC to get over him. It has only been about 6 weeks since we were in touch again after NC, and I guess I got impatient and tired of the emotional rollercoaster... but sometimes I wonder if I should have just been cool, hung on, and kept trying. My pride keeps me from contacting him again now though because of what I told him, so I think it is best to stay NC for at least a few months.
Hey Ruth.. I know it sucks ): I miss my ex too. You're not the only one, I feel like I can't be friends with my ex too because of the feelings I have for her. A part of me misses her/wants to be with her and another part of me thinks that I deserve someone better because of the way she handled break up. In the end, I find it more relieving to let it all go and forgive. No worries to think about, no emotions, just you and yourself. I like to take deep breaths and write my thoughts down, it helps clear my mind. Don't regret what you've did, if he really wanted you he will come around. It's actually really about you, whether or not you are willing to forgive him. It will be much easier if you can forgive him and appreciate what you have in life. Stay strong.
Hey Ruth, I agree with Edward as well. We all miss our exes and some days more than others. But what I know is that the more NC you do and concentrate on yourself the more irrelevant he becomes and the irony of it all is that once you're independent and have moved on they tend to come back. Anyway, it's best to continue NC because if he's really not interested and has moved on it'll pain you more to be around him even as a friend. Be strong, think about what is it you miss about him and write things down like Edward, writing things and reading them later will help you make a clearer choice. I think you're doing great with NC continue and good luck!
Ruth,
Whatever is done is done! We all have things to regret! I have a lot to regret but I know regret is going to make me feel bad about myself! For now simply focus on yourself! As Rihanna said, NC can provide you another chance! Good luck! Keep calm and continue NC
Hey Kevin/Everyone,
Has anyone ever been in this situation or know what to do if your ex is saying really positive things but not making any moves?
For example: As I have previously stated my ex and I were long distance. He broke it off because it was too stressful. I followed all steps no contact/recontact/etc. My ex now calls me pretty much everyday, if not more than once. I have maybe called him once or twice, I rarely call him. He says things like he still loves me and he pictures his future with me and he wants to marry me still, even though we are not together. He says when I move there (two years) he would date me again. Although its nice to hear these things, to me its all just words. I don't know whether to believe them or not. If he really felt like I was "The One" would he really let me go? Would he really take the chance of me finding someone else of he wanted to marry me? Part of me thinks he believes that we can just date other people casually while still loving each other and being friends until I move to his city, and expect me to drop everything and everyone to be with each other. But another part of me thinks that he just says these things without meaning them because its an ego boost for him to know that someone has feelings for him. I would hope that my ex wouldn't be that cruel because I know he really did feel those things when we were dating. I just don't know if he still does now. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe not. Anyone have any ideas?
Hi Jaici,
I'm in that situation right now haha, I can't tell if my ex is stringing me along or not. Right now I have summer school so we are away and I can't really meet her face to face. I think it's important to know whether our exes are just stringing us along or not. I think you should just focus on yourself until you can meet. You can still have contact with him, but be happy even if he doesn't contact you. You can't think about what he's up to because it will just bring you headaches. So yeah, just continue improving yourself until you two can meet face to face. The communication is more powerful that way and I think the new relationship should have a serious talk. You don't want to fall back to the old relationship, so make sure you two have this talk before entering the new one. It will be hard because they may have someone else they are going out with, but you have to respect their decision. If they decide not to be in a relationship it's up to you whether you want to stay friends or not.
Okay so he just brought up tonight that he wants to date me but he doesnt think it will work and he will hurt me again if it is long distance. I said he thinks too much and its very simple, if he wants to be with me then we can work on it. He said he wanted some time to think about it but he thinks its unlikely we will get back together. How do I push him in the right direction?
Jaici, you don't push him.. love cannot be forced, if he really wants it to work, he would try. It has to be his decision to come back and even when he does come back to you, you guys need to resolve the issues between the old relationship. I feel like that's my problem too, it's hard to get my ex to talk about these relationship things when all she does is get frustrated and annoyed talking about it. You have to give him space and time and feel happy without him, he will realize it and he will want to be with you. Like you said, what he says are just words, so what if he says he will date you, it doesn't mean anything if he doesn't actually do it. The only one you can change is yourself. Remember, you don't need him to be happy and you can't control love.. nor do you want to, it's just not natural :P.
ughh I know, it's just so frustrating I am so impatient and we are so close... I know he wants to be with me and loves me. Stupid distance! I just don't understand how he doesn't want to take the risk in hurting me again because of distance... Distance or not, aren't all relationships taking a risk of someone getting hurt? I just wish there was something I (or someone) could say to nudge him to be with who he wants to be with. But I guess I will have to wait it out, give him the time he wants to think about it. I tried not to push it in our conversation(not an easy accomplishment when you really just want to scream at him date me you moron). Maybe seeing me next weekend will help seal the deal for him, I really don't know.
Hey Everyone!
Has anyone heard back from Kevin? I posted a comment about 5 days ago on the thread I started a while back with an update after my 30 day NC asking for advise but I haven't heard from him. It would be nice to hear what you guys think as well if anyone would like to help me out. Would like to know how to proceed before I see him again. Any advise would be greatly appreciated, Thanks!
Hi Rosalyn, I think it's safer to ask him when you two hangout more often. It's still too early and you don't want to mess up this new you. See if he warms up to you and if he contactsyou most of the time. When you know he wants to get back with you and asks for reconciliation, then I think it's an appropriate time to ask whether he is still with someone. Good luck, great to hear you've changed after NC.
Hi, so me and my ex girlfriend broke up about 3 months ago, we have been talking in the mean time and she recently told me she didn't want a relationship because she thinks I'm not the one for her. It broke my heart, the break-up came out of the blue and I really want her back. Is there much that I can do since she told me she thinks I'm not the one for her.. Can her mind change about that? We had a really good relationship, with fights now and then but nothing serious. We had alot of fun together except the last few months, I had issues wich I solved now. I know what she disliked about me and I have changed myself but she won't give me the chance because she can not believe I have changed. For now we have agreed to stop contact and if she changed her mind or found someone else she'd let me know.
So my question is: Should I forget about her, or is there any chance she might turn around and come back?
There's a chance. Her feelings about you not being the one might change if you follow the plan. If they don't, well you tried.
Today I finally had to guts to send her a text message, I started with an Apology about what happened. She replied pretty cold and distant "I don't mind that anymore". Where to I asked "What do you mean" she said it has been over a month and she doesn't need to keep thinking about it. I replied that I still did from time to time, she said she has been reminded about it too frequently. I said we were best mates. Where she replied on "we were more enemies at the end". I said it hasn't always been like that. And I gave the conversation another direction talking about our rabbit we had together etc. Then she asked me how my exams went etc.. I said I missed her and said that I think she is happy how she is today and thats the most important thing. Where she replied to "Being alone all day makes a person feel unhappy, so yes i'm feeling better. I asked her if she wanted to go for a drink but she said she is been busy a lot with working. She also said why I wanted to go for a drink "like we have much to say to each other, the last month were we lived together we barely talked.." Where i replied to "tell me when you change your mind" she said maybe later, i just don't have time now.
Niels, did you notice her how her interest change right when you've changed directions of the conversation? If you pressure her to talk about the old relationship, she will feel annoyed and doesn't want to talk with you. She is sort of hesitant to hangout with you even just for a drink because she doesn't find it fun anymore. You have to show her that you're happy even without her. I would do NC for a week before asking her out again, this time do it with a more positive attitude. During this week, go for a run or workout, just assume she says yes. Even if she says no time or busy, keep having fun and enjoy life. I'm sure one day she will agree, and you'll come at her as a better you. Don't wait for her, be the better ex. Who knows, maybe she'll warm up to you. Good luck Niels, you have a chance, just show her that you're a fun and cool guy to hangout with.
Yes I did notice a little bit of change in her. Atleast she didn't ignore me.. when I sent her after some weeks of No contact. thats a good point I guess. Also I believe things will come out good, I just have this feeling. We are young i'm 21 she's 19 but we already lived for 1,5 years together with same school etc. We were one until I took things for granted and you know how this kind of things work out :). I guess she is scared that this will happen again if we would ever go into a new relationship thats why she maybe doesn't wanna do it yet. We'll see whats time brings, i'll try to put less pressure on the next conversation
Hi Kevin, welcome back. Not sure if my comment came through I submitted it on the first day you returned 30 June. Thanks.
Hey,
Sorry I couldn't find your comment. There are a lot of comments pending moderation and I am deleting the ones that don't follow the guidelines. Perhaps yours was deleted as well. Please post again and read the guidelines before posting.
Ok as I left the house earlier she informed me that I won't be having my son tomorrow night because he is off caravanning with the mother in law, ok last minute and I'm disappointed but he will enjoy it, but my ex took it another level by saying it's only a couple of hours you have with him anyway?! It got my back up, the way it was just dismissed, I said a minute with him I cherish let alone a whole night and morning with him, this escalated and the usual I caused this etc came out, so I said what's happened over the last 2 weeks? She said "I don't know, I've given up, were not mates anymore, I've tried that and you chucked it back at my face" I said " I admit I have struggled badly with this break up I can't help that, but are you happy with me not being in your life anymore" she said "you are because of the kids" I said " if the kids weren't involved would you want me in your life? " she said " no I wouldn't " no emotion just ice, I walked out and I completely broke down and collapsed in my car, hearing her say that has just killed me.
She text me 2 hrs later asking if I could mind my son in the morning before work so she could take the other 2 to their dad?! As if nothing had happened, I didn't reply to it, I can't understand how she can go from saying that to then acting as if nothing happened?
I have to say when she said it, it wasn't with proper conviction, do you know what I mean? I still truly believe she wants and loves me, but I'm going to wait for her to reach out to me now, do you think that's the right thing to do?
Hey Steffan,
It's just not the right time to ask her. When I told my ex that I was sorry and asked her if she could give me another chance. The answer was no and I felt it coming, yet why do I still ask? It's like we are asking for it, the feeling of pain and sorrow. If your emotions depend on what your ex says, then I don't think you are emotionally ready to get back together. Ask yourself, have you layed out the foundations of getting back together for her? I understand you have a kid that you're responsible of, but you are also responsible for yourself. You can't let these emotions take you down, it will make you weak and unattractive. If you want her back, find happiness in yourself without her first. Ask yourself why she doesn't want to get back with you. It took me months to realize that I was more important than my ex. After being with and caring for her for so long, I kind of forgotten who I was and what made me attractive. Take some time off and do some self reflecting, let go of your emotions and find peace within. When you hold still and focus on improving yourself, you'll find that you'll be attracting the things you want in life.
If you cant see your kid then use the time to work on your goals. If she wants you to look after, appreciate the time you have with your kid and stop worrying about what she thinks. Don't ask for relationships, just worry about yourself first. You still have a chance, but that really depends on whether you can make a positive change on yourself.
Thanks Edward, your right, ignoring her text last night weirdly gave me strength, she is the one who always either takes time to reply or ignores me, Ive decided to move house, I cant live in the same town as her, it affects me too much, the gym I go to I love to bits and its giving me goals, they are super supportive and friendly there and it makes me feel wanted even though they dont know my situation.
I need to find a way of seeing the kids without her controlling when and where, I dont want to be in her house anymore (my old house) so I'm moving to a bigger place, new start.
It will be interesting to see what her next text to me will be......
Happy 4th of July to all my American friends on this site! I don't live in the US so no fireworks for me lol... And it's already 5th July where I'm at :D
So, today marks the one year anniversary since we met at his solo exhibition and I'm missing that day cos we clicked IMMEDIATELY and even though I didn't know him all the guests assumed we were together for some reason haha... Anyway, I'm thinking of texting him at 3 pm with the pic we took there to say it's been a year! He's gonna call me at 6 pm I think... and also, my situation is different it seems cos it doesn't feel like he doesn't want me back, it seems like the opposite but life is Sh***!!! Last time we spoke we were discussing our future with each other although not in a 'together' sense but it was nice... I'm not really missing him anymore, it's like if he texts he texts and if not who cares!
Also, I'm planning to go on a short trip back to the big city and catch up with old friends and have some fun before I come back to 'Ghost Town' hahahaha... where it's always depressing :( and do my studies... I think I'll go to the big city every couple of months for a week to keep my spirit up and once I finish my studies I'll go look for work there. Anyway, I'm thinking of catching up with my ex as well and yes just as friends, lately I've had only friendly feelings towards him but should I bring up the break up? cos I'm bit upset with him and really want him to know...
Ok so I texted him the first sentence we said to each other a year ago with 'HAPPY ONE YEAR FRIENDSHIP DAY!' Thank you for being a great friend with a pic of us two on that day... He just messaged me now saying 'I'll call you tomorrow I went to the dentist and he took my tooth out so I can't talk today' lol that made me laugh but I knew he was going to the dentist someday soon so this may in fact be true... Now to think of it, the guy is penniless and toothless and sick and this might sound horrible but my man is broken, ummm literally! Broken AND broke! lol... No thanks?!
Rihanna,
Its great to see you are doing good on your own! Keep it up!
Thank you Dara, he messaged me this morning and I'm not sure whether to reply or not... He keeps giving me reasons and explaining himself that he's been sick and can't talk etc... My message can only be 'I hope you feel better soon' as usual... should I or should I not?
Rihanna,
Sometimes you ask tough questions here. Simply follow the basic rules. By now, I am sure that he has realized that you are not needy anymore! He won't take you granted or run away from you! He likes you and needs some time!
I truly have no idea why didn't he reply you through a text ending with a "thank you". That look strange to me but probably he was too busy. Don't obsess yourself with what he said or did not say. Be positive, good things will happen!
Best of luck Rihanna! Update us!
Hi everyone,
I've been going out with my ex boyfriend for 3 years and 8 months. He cheated on me 1 times when we were in 2 years and 8 months with the girl who lives in different state for 2 months, and I did everything to get him back. He backed with me and said that he didn't love that girl. Then I forgive him and we been going out until now. He just broke up with me two days ago and said he had sex with that girl in the important day of us. We fight, then we broke up. Usually he doesnt text me but after two day broke up he text me and said general thing, and I didn't text back. Today, when I saw in that girl's facebook, I saw him sent her with this message: " Im sad babe, You go to work all the time and don't talk to me, thats make me cant live babe"... After I read that, I felt so down. What should I do now, DO I have a chance to get him back one more time? Please let me know what should I do.
Don't check his facebook anymore. Follow the plan.
Hey Meggie,
How can you be so sure that he won't cheat on you again? After all he's already done it once. I think you deserve better than being cheated on over and over again. NC is for you to be happy without your ex, it will give you time to think about yourself. During this time, I hope you will realize that what your ex did was wrong. It should be you giving him another chance, not the other way around. You must use this time to think whether he is the right person for you.
Happy 4th of July everyone!!! Stay safe. If you feel tipsy, give your cell to your friend. It will save you from texting/calling your ex. Haha
Hey Confused,
Not everyone is American here! Maybe a.z. is from west coast! Kevin is from California for sure!
Happy 4th July! Have fun, enjoy the parades and fire works at night! I assure you that I am too far from texting her!!
Cheers!!
Happy Happy independence day xoxo Dara i feel beyond happy for you
a.z.,
I don't really feel good at this moment! My roommate went out! He got invited somewhere now! We had plans for tonight! If my ex was there we would probably drive to Washington! Probably she is there by now like every year! If these new girls were there we would do something for tonight! I don't know what to do! Maybe I go to downtown alone! I don't like drinking alone like most other nights! Yeah, after being so much high, I am low at this moment!
Anyway, I'll find a way to be happy tonight!
Hey Dara
That's not good to hear and I feel for you. I certainly know the feeling of being alone and going to a bar by yourself. Try the movies, that's what I'm doing tonight. I don't mind going by myself as its only awkward when your purchase that single ticket, after that you just settle down and enjoy the flick and it gets you out of the house for a bit
Hang in there bud
Hi Dara, I'm sorry you feel that way but if it's any comfort to you I feel this way most of the time. I feel so lonely that at times I obsess over the relationship with my ex on this site out of boredom rather than cos I miss him... I know how hard it is to be feeling this way and a lot of times I 'try' to do things to make myself happy but it always feels artificial. I find comfort in my aunty and god mother most although I live with my mum and sister now, I find her soulful and I tend to get along much better with the older generation than ppl my age, cos most ppl in their 20s and 30s and even 40s are stressed cos of work and kids and life... so i find I like it better with my aunty who has none of that stress in her life and she's a bundle of love :) But I feel for you and glad you're doing something to be happy and celebrate :)
Thanks Steve & Rihanna,
In fact, my last comment was irrelevant to this site. I did not miss my ex. I simply felt alone. It feels good today! It is really great to have supportive friends like you here!
I still get emails from Kevin and I appreciate it. They teach/remind things in small doses. Today, I got an email about how insecurity ruins a relationship. Good, I wasn't insecure.
Thanks again Rihanna and Steve!
Dara,
its not good to hear this from you.i know how it feels but i think its normal.when i get bored ,i miss him more than usual.i really believe that you are gonna be fine and i can't wait to hear good news from you.
a.z.,
Thank you very much for you concern!
I am really happy! It was a fleeting feeling that took me last night and I wasn't truly about the relationship! It was about my plan with my roommate that got ruined!
I have read you recent comments. I will reply them here: Yeah! I could guess that you look smart and sexy! Plus, I am sure that you are an intelligent girl! Intelligent people are more sexy because of many reasons! To me, intelligence and strong memory is really important! It sucks when your girlfriend don't remember much of your conversations. On about 35th day of my NC I dated a girl but when she asked me for another date, I simply said "lets see" in a tone implying NO. Truly it was hard for me talking to her. She asked me questions that we had already talked about.
I am truly happy that you know that you are sexy! That's one of the best feelings! I also know that sexiest people also feel low. Can you name some of Hollywood actors/actresses that committed suicide? Oh! There are many!!
An exciting update about today. Yesterday's girl confirmed my friend request on Facebook! Yet, it does not mean that she accepted to be in relationship with me!
Another update: I saw a girl just in front of the gym. She was one of the life guards working in the swimming pool I visit once in a day! We talked about 5 minutes! She asked me a lot of questions implying that she is interested in being in a relationship with me! She was so excited that she lost her friend probably because she realized that I am also interested in her!! She is a bit taller than yesterday's girl. Next time I meet her, I will ask for her number!
See I don't have any reason to be sad!
Thanks again for being here! I love these comments!
Hey Dara,
So how did your night go? Hopefully you managed to keep yourself occupied and not get into too much trouble :P
Steve,
You are asking me how did I let that night go! Its funny and simple! After I wrote this comment up there, I drank 4-5 shot of Vodka and went to balcony to see if I can see any fireworks outside! Well, I could just hear but not see because there are a lot of leaves/trees in front of our apartment. I was too tired to do anything! All I remember is that I found myself lying on the couch next morning! I felt really good when I woke up! Had a deep sleep! Then, my roommate appeared and we had some funny/witty conversations on how he felt when he saw me lying dead on the couch last night!
Hey Steve,
You are a quiet man! Any updates?
Hey,
Typo up there! I visit swimming pool once in a week!
thank you very much Dara,yeah i remember almost everything about all of my exes hahaha. and about the girls you mentioned,i'm really excited.i'm so happy for you.if you like the new girl ,its fantastic.go on and ask her out. everytime you write something good about your life i feel a positive wave of energy in my life.
and about me, these days i exercise like i'm a robot. i got sun tanned like i was born black LOL. i'm going to meet him when he is back and i want him to regret the breakup.
wish you all the best dear Dara and wish me luck xoxo
Thank you a.z.! Your "BEST OF LUCK" is there in my heart even if I don't write it here! Your comments were full of energy! They helped me a lot! I can't ever forget them! I am sure you will do great in your relationship as well as if you somehow decide to move on!
About those girls, I can recollect that the last girl (safe guard), looking at me, smiling at me, laughing at me, etc. but I never thought that she was interested in me! I am more hopeful about her by now! I should go to swimming pool more often henceforth! ha ha ha ha... The other one is apparently less likely to happen!
Thank you so much a.z.! Some some reasons I feel like I know you for years!! ha ha ha ha... Best of luck!!
thank you Dara and i really believe that talking to you has always made me feel really good in any situation.remember that day i was feeling terrible when i contacted him twice a day?one sentence from you and i felt all fine :).
well,i only do this when i like a guy.i think she likes you.you said your brother was a model and now you look like him so why wouldn't she like you?. hahaha. if a girl is into someone,the best thing she can do is to send signals like that.
i really do feel the same way as you do.it's not like your just my virtual friend.
a.z.,
My younger brother is a (psychic) computer programmer who did modeling a couple of times (only) when he was jobless. Once in a while strangers approach him to ask if he is a professional model. I look like him now but there are some differences that matters. For my whole life, I was under impression that a sexy man is as big as hulk (really don't know why!). Even my mom warned me about reducing weight! But the fact is that people consider skinny George Clooney much sexier than Hulk! In reality its hard to maintain fitness when you are heavy and that hulk is just an imagination! Thank you so much a.z. for being here! You energize me! By the way, I was never this skinny since 12 years ago but I am about 10 Kg heavier than my skinny (but really fit) brother! Anyway, I believe whatever happens is for the best! I hope I am really off the drug (my ex)!
I am also sure that you are doing really great!! I can feel it from your comments! You are so generous in praising and this shows how great your personality is! Best of luck to you and our friends on this site! We'll do it in style!! I also wish to hear from Daniel that he's found a nice girl!
a.z.,
I had a Facebook chat with this girl who asked me to be friends on Facebook first. I told her that we play volleyball once in a couple of days and she asked me to inform her next time because volleyball is her favorite sport! She is very close to become my next girlfriend! I should clean my room and house now!! ha ha ha ha... With this conclusion, I should not go to swimming pool so soon!! ha ha ha ha....
So basically i have met with my ex and he wants to get back together,i told him i need to see that he makes an effort and then i will decide if i can be back with him.The thing is,i don't see any real effort from his side,and he doesn't pay me enough attention.Also in fb i see that he accepts any girl that sends him a request and that he likes the profile pictures of other girls.It makes me jealous,i don't like it.I don't know if i shouldn't say anything,because i don't want him to think that i'm insecure,i'm very confident i just don't like it.What's the right and best thing to do from now on? say what bothers me? or act like i don't care? Any advice is welcome,please help,answer quicklyy!!
Don't say that it bothers you, you could have done that if you already were in a relationship.
Don't be jealous, just don't care about what he is doing. Its just accepting requests of girls nothing more.
Don't make it obvious that you wanna get back together.
Hope this helps.
RD,
Don't think about it! You can never force anyone to not like a picture on Facebook or not accept a friend request! That is not considered cheating! If you talk about it you will look needy or insecure! Maybe he knows you and wants to make you jealous! Plus be careful about counter-reacting! If you don't show attention to him probably he'll not use it as a weapon later!
You are all very right!! thank you so much ! I will just leave things as they are. I uploaded a profile pic on fb with a bikini,and he chatted me telling me that he admires me and that i'm really pretty,and i told him thank you and he told me don't thank me,thank your parents who made you so beautiful! Haha i don't know why he said that,seems like he really wants me or ?!?
Hey!!
I also said, "thanks to your parents who make you so beautiful to my girlfriend"! She also asked me what do you mean!! To me, it meant I love you! Thanks to your parents who made you! ha ha ha... Good job RD!!
I was going to break my no contact when she whatsapp'd me sending me one of my picture and asked me to use it as my dp. I have not replied yet.
Should I use that picture as my dp ? And what should I text her to ask to meet ?
Hi, I have something good to tell you, but when I'll be back in the city, let me know if you're free that day. Would this be fine ?
Hello everyone!
I really need your advices because I feel I'm going mad. My ex and I are broken up a month already and going two months this month we've been together for 9 months. Then what make things worst is that when i returned some of her stuff I also returned some stuff that she has given me but not all of it and made a letter about what i felt about the break up and that i know that it's over. Then i saw something that she posted that what happened didn't sting for her and some post where she's like proclaiming that she's single and all but she never really pointed it out. And now I am at lost and regreted my last action and I dont know if we could still be together. Can i still make a remedy about it? Or just let time do its thing and move on.
Hi Days,
I think you still have a chance if you stick with the plan and work on yourself positively. You'll find that there's so much more to life. Use your thoughts and efforts to improve on yourself, make yourself attractive and that will get her back. Don't think about her too much and focus on yourself. Thinking about it will just bring your emotions down. Follow the plan, you'll have a better chance.
Kevin and everyone,
I reposted my comment since it has not showed up.
I need some advice.
My boyfriend for three years whom I am living with asked for a "cool off" last May because he said he needs time to make himself better and help his parents. I am 31, he's 24. My family is more well off than his and he seemed to hear a demeaning comment from my dad when we visited for my mom's birthday. So to speak, it is his financial stability that made him ask for space.
I've done all of the "mistakes" to make him stay, saying that it was never an issue for me and all our dreams can come true by working together as a couple. He told me there's no problem with me. All the fault is with him and all he can say is sorry. Then with him shooing me away, I decided to stay at my parents house and have NC for two weeks.
I showed up at our house last week to talk to him about our status and also to get some of my things. I've asked him to come back but he didn't want to saying that he is now starting anew with his ex-gf (his girlfriend before he met me) who resides just in front of our house. But their relationship is somewhat hidden and I'm also not sure if they are dating since all of our neighbors and friends still see me as his "wife." The girl also texted me to talk to my ex and make him leave her alone but my ex tells me that he will prove to everyone that it is her that he loves.
He never changed his relationship status on social network. He didn't want our friends to know that we broke up although some of our closest friends whom I can ask advice from already knew it by now. BTW, his friends are my friends now and vice versa. My family don't know yet that we broke up. His family knew that he is seeing someone else and all of them are working with me to make him come back.
He's now staying with his parents. I decided another NC for a month but I don't know if I can manage to do it since Im worried about him reconnecting with his old past. His mom and siblings text me everyday asking me how I am and giving me updates about him. He calls me from time to time and tells me his life is miserable and that I have to take care of myself but always telling me I have to do it on my own.
I don't know what to do. Should I finally change our status to single on our social network sites and let everyone know we broke up? How can I not allow him or his parents to call me? Is he really having a new relationship or is it just a rebound?
Hey Azula,
Even if he's in a relationship, it's probably a rebound. You should do NC for at least a month because it seems he really needs time. If he contacts you, tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and you need to stop communication with him.
Dara and raed,
You know what guys. I'm proud of you. You're moving on! I'm so happy for you guys. It's good to find another girl. I dis it too but i was rejected 2 times already. It can be a burden. I felt unwanted somehow. Anyway not all women would like me so it's fine. I tend to hit on girls that are out of my league so i guess it's to be expected. I also anlayzed our conversation and i think i still reek of neediness and desperation because i think im in a rush to have a new gf. Anyway, goodluck guys! Remember there is more in this life than your ex. I hopenyou find happiness.
You are kidding me Daniel. I read somewhere that a normal man has to ask 10 women for date to get one! Come on! Most of the girls already have boyfriends! Its good to see them not cheat so easily!
I talk about my desperate attempts looking for girls and sometime over-exaggerate them to laugh more about it with my roommate! Take it easy my friend! Be confident! Chasing girls is fun! JUST DO IT!
Oh man I have done a lot of funny things lately!For example, I am an atheist but I ended up attending some prayers on a Sunday! My friends saw me accidentally and we laughed on it for hours!! They make jokes on it whenever they see me! I have been rejected, I have been accepted, I have been accepted and then rejected for changing the topic from "my plan for my life" to "my plan for tonight"! ha ha ha...
Daniel, you already said you go to gym 3 days per week. Make it 4-5 days for a while! All we need it some natural hormones that make us happy!
Daniel,
Yes, I am moving on! I guess a supportive environment is what pushed me. Friends, colleagues and family. Because of them it was clear to me who I love and who loves me. So I don't have time to mourn over someone who wants to leave.
Lately, my ex has been initiating contact and she's giving me the missed calls and if ever she will call I don't have plans to answer because my family told me to just ignore her.
It's been two months since the breakup and for those two months I am wanting her to come back but she did not. I guess if she asks me to get back, I might decline. I have invested so much pain, heartache, hunger and tears in her decision. Because of how she treated me after the breakup it became clear to me what I wouldn't want in a partner. Besides, she left me what will make me think she will not leave me again?
I guess you are still needy, Daniel. It is okay to date but wrong to jump in a new relationship. Honestly, I don't foresee myself having a girlfriend for the months to come. I want to be a hot, sexy, independent, stable and single bachelor! I want to enjoy single life and as Dara said, taste all the flavors outside. Hihi.
Goodluck, man! Keep us updated!
RAED,
I truly agree with you! What is the proof that she will not leave me again. Mind games is a part of her personality. She will be the same girl for ever!
Whenever, I think about reconciliation, I also imagine the day I went to her house for apology and she asked me to get out of her house! It was an ugly scene! She was eating the popcorn that I had made for her and there was a vase with roses in it that I had given to her a week ago! Yeah, it sucks when I imagine everything I did to make her happy but she did not want to be happy (at least with me)!
Daniel, there are thousands of girls outside who can complete us and make us happy for ever! Simply the fact that they are not with us does not mean that they don't exist!
Will be glad to hear more from you buddy!!
Dara,
Yeah, you are right! I'd rather find someone new than to get back. If ever ee get back, it might get scripted just because we are too guarded that if we ever make even the littlest of mistake, they'll leave us again. Love is a risk and I personally think it will be more fun to be in a new relationship no matter how unpredictable it may seem just because you both start from the beginning. And you explore things together.
For two months after the breakup, I was so blinded just because I want my ex back no matter how desperate the measure is. I allowed myself to be a doormat.
Thankfully, I am back to my senses now! Whenever I recall how she treated me after the breakup, I want to puke in her face. Haha. She shooed me away like a stray dog. I was crying and confessing to her that I want her back and then she just laughed it off, as if my feelings were some kind of joke.
Her attitude was disgusting. She's the one who gave me the reason to not want her. And now she is having a taste of her own medicine.
Dara and Daniel, our exes are losers because they give up on someone who would never give up on them. Too bad for them we cannot wait forever. We deserve better than girls who likes to play their mind games on us.
Goodluck, brothers!
You are right guys. Well it's time to shine and hit the world. It's been 3 and a half months for me. She still passes through my mind but k dont want to give much attention. And you are right. Its not that all gurls you ask for a date will go with you. Haha! Let's have a happy and fun bachelor's life! Why should we get back with someone who doesnt want us and treated us bad right?! Cheers!
Yes, Dara and Raed are doing great and the world is their oyster! But you are doing great as well Daniel and being rejected twice is not a big deal cos most girls these days are up themselves for nothing ha! I think it's best to find someone you can be best friends with first and take it step by step til you reach a meaningful relationship with her instead of quick dating (unless you're not ready yet for a relationship then dates might help you move on). If you're in a rush to find a new gf then it's not gonna work out for you cos you'll settle for whatever and then it won't last and you'll go back to square one. Don't TRY to find her let 'her' come to you at the most unexpected time until you realise you have truly found your 'soul mate'. I really admire Dara and Raed for their progress and their positive attitude on life and I wish that rubs off on most of us here on this site. And a quick lesson from Festive Dave: if you want to win play by your own rules. He didn't say that but his hilarious response to his ex with "I'M NOT HUNGRY AT 5:30" says enough that he has pride in himself and he's not a doormat to his EX... I really admire that in him lol. David, As long as you're healthy, happy, confident and have ambition in your life and I'm sure you do have all these qualities, you deserve a real woman who can match your talent and good qualities in life rather than some girls in a nightclub who are nothing but lipstick and rouge... I know you'll find a beautiful woman inside out cos you deserve it! Good luck!
Daniel, RAED, Rihanna, a.z and everyone else,
This site has been our secrete meeting of us, far away from the real world we are living in! So please don't hesitate to share your feelings with us. We are there to help each other to overcome some bad feelings after the break up! After all, we deserve better than we faced. Maybe it was really for our best but we might still need some time to deal with it!
Thank you everyone!! Cheers to us!!
Rihanna, AZ, Daniel, Dara, Festival David, Edward,
Hey, guys! I am really having fun here! At least the atmosphere is no longer depressing because we are all somehow improving!
I lost a relationship but I gained friends no matter how anonymous we are to each other! I hope we are all living too close so that we can build this support group and hangout a lot and enjoy ourselves! Haha
As for the boys, hey maaaan I know we are all totally single now! Haha. Shame on them!
And for the girls, Rihanna and AZ, I am glad you are both doing good in contact with your exes! Haha
So boys, you see we are all in the same fate haha! We are ready to rock the world \m/
And by the way, Rihanna is right, Daniel.
Dating is fun but I think somehow we should be investing on more serious relationships in the months/years to come than just hook up. After all we are not getting any younger.
So I hope we can find some girl worth keeping but befriend her first. And don't take a step too fast. And we have that girl friend but we can enjoy our singleness for now and when the time comes we might develop something good with that girl whom we consider bestfriend but a potential partner, really. So i think it is a good foundation.
Goodluck!
Hey Dara! I totally agree with you and this site is faaaaaaar better than the pretentious facebook crap where everybody's life is "just so perfect!" At least we can wear our hearts on your sleeves and be completely honest without judgement... I wish we could all be friends and hangout it would be so cool lol!
Daniel, I know you're still hurting from your ex but the best way to move on is to find that someone special, you'll find extreme happiness and your ex will be extremely jealous (not that you'll care at that stage ha!) Good luck! BTW where do you guys live, I'm in oz :)
Festival David here..haha, you love that line dont you Rihanna ;)
Daniel, I wouldnt worry about Rejection at all!!!
I mean if you do go looking for girls I know you tend to ooze of something...I dont know what or how it is..or how girls can tell...but they can! haha
Whenever Ive been in a relationship...coz I dont care about other girls..thats when girls are all over me ha...Everyone wants what they cant have
But think of it like this, you get rejected by someone who dont know you at all...be in a pub club or anything else...unless its school or work etc...you probably aint going to see them again! so who cares?
Least you wont be thinking "What if"
Just curious...Where are you guys and girls from then?
Im from UK and 25
I sure feel like we are having fun here. Maybe im taking it the wrong approach. Maybe i should really take it slow somehow. I want a serious relationship. Really. The one i can settle with because you guys are right. We arent getting any younger. I want to invest in a woman that i know is really great. I found it once in my ex but its a shame thatbwe broke up. Nevertheless there are still tons of girls out there. I'll find another great woman. :)
To the guys,
Yeah, boys! We will find ourselves another great woman! And I hope we don't sing into Adele's song SOMEONE LIKE YOU because personally, I wouldn't want to find someone else just like my ex. Especially the attitude after the breakup that's a no-no.
I am excited and this is fun! I hope we are close in distance so we can really hang-out haha!
But boys, for us to be able to find a woman worth keeping we must be a man first. I mean, we don't look for the right woman, we let ourselves be the right man and then they will come.
So suit up, gentlemen!!! 8-)
hahaha guys your comments really made me happy.i think all of us are doing a great job.so glad i got to find this site.
Hey Daniel!
I met a cute girl today and asked for her number. She wrote her full name on my hand and said lets be friends on Facebook first! Well, that's a 50-50 chance! It will be concluded within a week! I love being single because you are not committed to anyone, especially to ones who might dump you ruthlessly one day!!! I hope she is okay with me because I loved the way she looked! ha ha ha ha....!! If not, I'll try another one next week!
Dara,
Damn you! You already got one! Hahaha! I'll find someone soon too!! Lol! This site really is something. Before we are all depressed. And look where we are now. :)
Hey Raed, thank you for agreeing with me on the dating front :) I'm usually good at advising others but a complete fool when it comes to matters of my own heart ha!
Festival David! aka Festive Dave :) Yes, I do like that name very much... I'm glad all the boys are doing great and looking forward to a bright future with girls that deserve to have you :) ... you're all so young omg! and sooooo much smarter than me hahaha...
I'm from Australia and 32! (AAARGH so old! lol)
Rihanna,
32 is not old! You are only older than us. But alot is still to come your way. Dont put too much emphasis on your age. Stay positive!
Dear Dara,
you guys are so strong , but I am not. i feel as if she has taken all my life with her
Dear Ali,
I'm not sure what your story is but I doubt that she's 'taken your life with her'... I was like you in the beginning and now he texts and I can't be bothered answering unless I feel like it... I've only been like this in the last couple of days and i hope it lasts. But the NC really really helps so if you haven't done NC I suggest 30 days and then if you're still feeling low extend to 60 days. During those days, Go out and mingle with friends, pick up a new hobby and if you can, do a get away with friends... You seem like you need soul healing and time. I don't know what your story is but she may come back to you or if she doesn't, in time, I'm sure you'll meet someone new who'll make you feel happy and forget about all this pain you're going through now. My thoughts are with you and Good Luck!
Dear Ali,
I have become strong! I wasn't! I bombarded her with emails for 3 days on how much I love her after the breakup! My relationship deteriorated in 3 months. It was slow but steady destruction! Just like cancer! I tried everything: giving her gifts, flowers, B'day parties, begging her, ignoring her, everything! But whatever I did she had the upper hand! Whatever I did made her stronger! I made a hulk out of her ego!
Yet, there was a day that I realized that I may not be the ultimate loser! I was terribly drunk! She criticized me like everyday! Apparently, I told her there will be no relationship between us tomorrow! I am done! The next day, I realized that she is hugging and kissing me more often than those days. She asked me if I remember what I said last night. I said no! She said really? You wanted to breakup with me! This was the moment, I realized that if we breakup, if she dump me, if I get out of this miserable relationship, she will also lose something!
My friend Ali, no one is really weak! Its a temporary stage of life! You will become strong again! If you follow the plan perfectly, you will soon become strong! Happiness should be from within! Good luck!!
Daniel,
I am sure that you will find a good girl very soon! As RAED said, you don't need to look for the best woman. Simply be the best man and best woman will find you! Also, don't look for a serious relationship. Let her look for a serious relationship. By the way, its the serious relationship that hurts! I mean take it slow in a relationship!
Oh! I am sure you know all these! You simply need some time! For me when I broke up I was alone but I started doing conversations with many who looked in my eyes! Apparently some of them are now more interested in my! See it took 2 months to make these people available around me! Yes, it takes time!
Dara,
This is a funny one. I had a crush on highschool and i messaged her yesterday. Guess what. I was seenzoned. Hahaha!
Ali, all of us has been there. It didnt take a few days or a month for us tonget here. We all hit rockbottom once. I know you feel empty and sh*t and everything right now. You are so down. But do you really want to stay like that for a long time? Man up buddy, we can encourage you all we want. Give you all the support but you have to help yourself. We know its very very hard. But once you take that first step you will feel a change. Goodluck! We are here for you. We are all in the sameboat.
Daniel,
It sounds good that you've messaged someone. Don't think what they might think about you (I take it positive). Simply initiate contacts. Girls look for someone to talk with, this is for sure! There are some girls that had crush on us, but they never spoke about it (at least explicitly). I promise you this is true! Also whenever you get rejected, simply think about the fact that an average man has to ask 10 women for date to get 1! Chasing strange girls is fun!
Dear Dara,David and Edward,
i have been really busy for my friend's funeral these few days.so i came back here on monday.we talked on sunday night and he asked me to call him when i arrived.he was out of the city for work and he drove 13 hours to get back.he texted alot during that night and he talked about going out.on tuesday i texted him to check if he arrived again we texted alot.yesterday we weren't in touch at ll.then today he texted me and asked why i'm not available and why i don't text him.i said i was busy.he asked if i am free tonight.i am totally free but i said i'm doing something at my friend's.again he asked about tomorrow night and i said i'm going to be out of the city with friends for the weekend.he is going back to work on friday for 2 weeks.he said he really wanted to see me with a :( smiley .and i said we are gonna meet soon.then he sent about 20 more texts talking about what he is doing and everthing else.i think it is good not to go out with him this week so he won't think that i was counting the minutes to meet him.what do you guys think?
and Dara give me an update i'll be really glad to hear from you.
Great job a.z.!! You are making him want you more and more! I admire your approach! You don't need any evaluations from us.
Update: I saw her on Saturday. The girl I loved in my mind was different from her! I could see her negative features too! Now some of those girls that I have been flirting with lately seemed to be more attractive than her! ha ha ha... It was a turning point for both of us!!
Yesterday, I saw her in the gym! Shocking! In summers, she preferred running in the parks rather than on treadmill. She tried to initiate eye contact which I avoided! Its funny but I clean-shaved my face before I went to gym. In fact, I want to invite a girl that I have been talking to in the gym lately for this weekend or any other time! The presence of my ex distracted me a bit but I am looking for an opportunity to date this new girl. Hope she is single! If not, I'll try another one! LOL! Since its been about 70 days, I believe they won't be rebounds.
Dara,
i love your attitude,yes you are not gonna be on rebound anymore cuz you passed through all these process.and i think your ex is still interested in you.its really great that you are doing this and you avoided making eye contact.i'm sure now you are on her mind more than ever.when you let go of something you become more receptive and i think since you are doing the right things,you will attract her more.so glad that you are doing great.
wish you all the best for both your ex and the new girl :)
Thank you so much a.z.! It has been great talking to you here! I am sure, if you were not there life would have been a lot tougher for me! Thank you so much! I will be glad to see what happens next with you! Though I am sure that you have everything in your control!
thank you very much Dara.i really do enjoy talking to you buddy x
a.z.,
Whitney-my new love said that she has a boyfriend but we can be good friends! I think I should look for sites on how to date a girl who already has a boyfriend!! ha ha ha ha..... Just kidding!! Lets see who comes close next!
Its truly fun coming here and commenting!
A. Z.,
Hi! So you are a girl. Haha. Well, is he the one who dumped you?
If yes, wow you are doing good! Haha. Don't make yourself available. Make him crazy. Lol
If you don't want him then you can tell him but if you do let him give you a good chase. Haha!
Goodluvk!
Congrats!
RAED,
Just an update about a.z.: She is a girl. I believe she was the one who initiated the breakup fight. Then after two/three months of NC there was a small fight again but its been two weeks that her guy is chasing her. 4 months in total. He loves her (that's what I believe) but had been cold for a while. In the beginning a.z. was not in good shape but now she is really good! She also had a number of (platonic) dates to regain her composure! Plus, I believe she is a charming girl (from the fact that she can date any guy LOL)!
a.z. verify me if I am wrong!
Dara,
Thanks for the info, man! I have been seeing her name here but wasn't able to follow her story.
A.Z.
Hi, i would like to meet you. Haha, kidding! Do you still want the guy? Because I see the power is in your hands :-)
Hi A.z
Sorry to hear about the funeral and everything.
I dont really have a lot to add apart from it does sound like your doing good and like the other have said
The power is still in your hands I believe :) x
hey Dara,Raed and david
it's cool Dara i'm sure you'll either get your ex back or find a perfect girl.and about me dating other guys,LOL.i went to a friend's pool party today,and a new guy asked me out.i said i'm not sure about going out with him.he is too hot and totally my type in everything but i'm afraid if start dating him, it may get serious for me.and i don't want this right now.
Raed, i broke up with him 4 months ago and he agreed.I went on NC for a month then he contacted me.after a month of contacting we had another fight so i went on NC for 2 weeks again he contacted me and its almost 3 weeks that we are in touch.
david,thank you.wish me luck i can't read his mind yet.
thank u very much guys xoxo
Raed,
to be honest,yes.i still want him back but i had terrible days post breakup and when i think of those days i get really scared..i don't feel that strong love for him anymore but i prefer to be with him more than any other guy that i met.he is not that handsome or he doesn't have a great job,but i don't care.i already have everything that i may wish for so i don't think about anything but his personality and the way he has always been to me.he says he loves me sometimes and when we talk he is like the old days.my biggest problem is that i can't create the false friendship.i did once and he said i can't think of you as a friend and i'll always love you the way i did.he said he needed some time to forget the fights and the bad memories.and also he totally knows that i don't think of him as a friend.( he knows me better than everyone ).i'll go out with him three times from now.and if this doesn't work,i will seriously remove him from my life forever.if he really loves me he will ask to get back by then and if he doesn't i can kill him for being such a jerk LOL.there is nothing more that i can do.sometimes i keep asking myself why i'm doing this?why don't i let go of him?something inside of me says he is the one,something says you got hurt because of him again something says these happens in almost everyone's relationship.i have no idea what i'm gonna do.i'm not even sure that i will accept to get back with him.but i know i feel something special for him.
A. Z.,
Sorry it took a while for me to reply. All in all I can see that it is still up to you whether to get back or not.
I guess you are a bit confused whether to try harder or just let go because you were hurt in the first place. I think it is human nature's fight of flight response . So it is just normal, I guess.
If you go out with him 3x and still it don't worj you can decide from there. But if I am the guy, even in those 3 dates I wouldn't ask directly to get back because I am somehow 'testing the waters' if it is the right timing to talk about such thing.
I guess, even your ex doesn't know yet what to do because one move can either build or destroy it all. But because he loves you he is somehow trying to reach out.
If you are not yet ready you can always let him know. And friendship after the breakup, it's not gonna happen. My ex and I agreed on that one too, to become friends but guess what we rarely talk. Because you can never be just friends right after the breakup or even months or years after.
If you really feel that connection for him, I suggest you give it a try. But still draw the line so you would have time to pull back if in case it doesn't work.
Goodluck, AZ!
Festival David
A very quick update, I did probably the opposite of all of the advice I got ha, As a female friend told me to just ask her straight up what she wants and then go with it, I didnt have anything to lose really as If i didnt, I would just keep 2nd guessing her intentions, least now I know straight up
So basically, we spoke on the phone, I asked her what she wants and she said she didnt understand what I meant, So I said between us, like what do you see happening with us in future, been together, been friends or what? coz like obviously if either one of us meets someone else we wont be talking like we are now etc.
She said she "Hasnt thought about us or any of that" and she is just doing her own thing but sometimes she does feel like shes sort of stuck in limbo etc. Also explained that she doesnt feel awkward around me, but sometimes there is a weird feeling when it comes to meeting with mutual friends (as they are my friends) or taking things the wrong way as we have obviously been together.
I also explained the meal and was like "Friends dont do that to friends etc" and she explained that she said "Just forget it then" as in she meant we would organise another day and said she thought I was been awkward on purpose by saying "I wasnt hungry at 5:30"
So I said, look, im comfortable been with friends, but as long as we both know where we stand coz I dont mind been a friend but not when you have a go at me etc coz friends dont do that to friends.
Also that we both been reading too much into each others responses if she thought i was been awkward.
I feel a lot better, coz its been a while now and if she "hasnt thought about us"..then thats enough for me to move on. Plus that to me was confirmation shes stringing me along, I dont want someone like that at all....if she wasnt stringing me along, she would of said "No we are still over, it stands etc" like she did in the beggining. or "Well I have thought about it a bit etc"
Basically, what she said, sounds to me like she just wants me to be there, which makes perfect sense with what she said after my week of NC which was "Just coz we not together, I do really miss you as a person"
When I say move on, Im not going to reply to her texts unless i really feel I have to, or like Raed said, ill pretend I havent seen the text or been busy etc.
Im looking to go to portugal in 3 weeks and im 98% ready to book it...Im not going to tell her or my friends im going, Im just going to go by myself :) ..plus I dont want her to find out and then she play mind games with me
She isnt going to miss me otherwise and we shall see what happens when I get back, Im not going to hold back whilst im out there, take it as it comes.
This is going to either push us together or away, and tbh we are already away so I havent got anything to lose
Thanks for all the help guys and girls :)
I probably wont post here now myself except to try and help others until the end of the month!...thats when some progress should of at least been made :) x
It sound great Festival David! I believe now you have come to the conclusion that I have made! It is really stressful when you are with a girl who plays mind games with you! Yeah, these games are really annoying! I had enough of them with my last ex. I still believe except about the length of the relationship and your friendship before getting along, we have been dating the same girl! ha ha ha ha...
Its around 70th day of my NC and I prefer a new girlfriend over my ex. I believe her mind is trying to re-evaluate things about me in last couple of days, but I don't care about her to that extend that I have no mood to write them here. I just come here to read some stories of guys and girls and comment on them if I can! Have fun Festival David!!
David,
Oh, man. She is too awful. But I am glad you took a step forward to ask because really pretending you are fine is also a waste of time especially having her around.
So, I guess it is really moving on time with no looking back. Because you see, she doesn't have any plans with the two of you and only for herself that she's stringing you along.
Cut it off, David. Quit any contact. Forget her as if she's long lost and gone. Whenever she calls, ignore her. If the past calls, forward it to voicemail because it hs nothing new to say.
She just loves to play her mind games on you and see you go crazy. At least now it is all clear that she hasn't thinking about the 'us' so you can fully move on.
Forget the one who forgot you, David. Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she has totally decided she really wants you back, it is time for her to chase you. You've given more than enough.
Anyway, I hope you have a good time there! Keep us updated!
Thanks Guys :)
Im trying my hardest to just forget :P....Got my Hostel and Flights booked, going to portugal on the 17th for 5 nights By myself, Im a very social guy so no doubt Ill get talking to ppl...I always do ha
Cant wait, I am actually proper excited coz I know Im not a bad looking guy and am very chatty and confident. I just have to remember this ;)...afterall thats how my ex fell for me when i had multiple women chasing me ha
I also found out from FB that my ex is actually going out or doign something with other people or at elast another guy on the Friday...so that explains why she wanted to cancel ;)...She was obviously trying to hide that from me ha
I get back from my portgual Trip on the 22nd July, then I go away for my 2 week euro trip in August 15th!
So definitely only have a few weeks to make it through :)
Hey guys,
So in may I met this girl and we started to date then she said that she needed some time to herself after about 3 weeks of being together. Then we got back together and after a week she broke up with me and said that she thinks that we were better off as Frieda because I never really gave her the feeling of me as her boyfriend. And she said that we probably shouldn't date anymore
Do you think there is a chance that I can win her back?
Very less and IMO not worth it. You guys never really had a relationship and she never really developed strong feelings for you. You can try the 5 step plan, but you will be better off concentrating your efforts pursuing other girls.
Hi all,
Hoping that your are now back Kevin as I tried to write before :( Firstly let me say how amazing this site seems to be, there are so many people in the same situations helping each other out.
My story is that I met a girl on a online dating site, w e hit it off from the start with a great connection, we saw each other for 2 months then one night I asked her if she saw a potential for a relationship..........just a potential......not a relationship itself..........this is a very emotionally closed girl but that night the sheer panic on her face was evident......I told her to not worry about it and lets enjoy the night, however I got quite drunk and we had a heated debate about commitment whereupon I mentioned that I was tired of girls who didn't know what they wanted.
The next day we were fine but she was going on holiday a few days later.............when she got back she told me she thought we were looking for different things but wanted to be my friend.......I refused and said she wouldn't be hearing from me again but she was welcome to get in touch if she changed her mind.........she didn't.
I managed to maintain N.C. for a month until it got too much for me and I ended up emailing her as I missed her so much, to my surprise she emailed me back saying she too had missed our time together, we emailed back and forth thru that night and reswapped numbers. A couple of days later I texed her asking to meet u, she agreed and we did. She told me she just wanted to be friends and didn't want to date anyone right now, I told her I didn't want to just be friends, to my surprise she seemed genuinely disappointed with this, she said maybe I just needed more time and when I was ready I should get back in touch, and that I was the one that needed to be in control as she didn't want to force the issue.
We texted a couple of times over about 3 weeks, just general 'what have you been upto' questions. We then met again and I told her how conflicted I had been in deciding wether I could be friends or not, I still had feelings for her, I missed her, I told her I wasn't in love with her and wasn't even sure if I trusted her, she said that was a good thing as it takes weeks and weeks to trust someone. I also told her that it wasn't fair on me that I had to be the one to reach out to her all the time and that she should be getting in touch with me if she wanted to.
She is 35, I am 37.......she has only ever been in one long term relationship before, for 4 years which ended 3 and a half months before we met, when she discovered the guy had been seeing someone else for a year. She said she was over him before then and it simply gave her the reason to end it with him. She does genuinely care about me and has always said there has been a connection between us. She kept trying to justify her reasoning by coming up with different reasons for splitting up with me.......like no common ground.....until I pointed out we did. What confuses me is she is really pushing for friendship, keeps trying to give me reasons why it would be good for us to stay in touch, keeps trying to convince me a lot that we should be. She says she always thinks with her head and wont let her heart rule her at all.
Phew sorry for the long post.......there just seems to be a lot more to everything than she is telling me and my intuition CANNOT shake that there is something somewhere in her on a deeper level than just friendship. I sincerely hope this goes thru ok as it seems such a good community to be part of.
Hi Pete,
It's great reading your story, may I ask how long you two have been in a relationship for? My advice to you is that you have to take it slow. If she had felt that connection with you before, why are you worried that you can't give that feeling again? By attracting her slowly, it will show that you are patient and respectful to her decision. I know it's hard to be friends with her while you have this special attraction to her. I've been there and the way I got out of it was to show her how much I loved her. Just do things that friends don't normally do. Small things like opening the door for her, keeping her close to you when crossing streets. Everything in life adds up. Be her gentleman and be happy with her, you want to make her feel special. A BF/GF label doesn't mean anything if you can't be with her. If it takes friendship to be with her, I would cherish it, many of us would want to be where you are at right now. Keep it up, be patient, you have a chance.
Thanks for the reply Edward,
We were together for 2 months. And tho that probably doesn't seem long for a lot of people, it meant a lot for me. It has now been 2 weeks since I last saw her and I have not heard anything from her. When I saw her I told her that the connection we had was because we had been dating each other and that if we were friends it would just be a shadow of itself, she seemed a little upset at this. I have since been diagnosed with depression and put on medication. The ironic thing being is she is actually a doctor as well and I am unsure whether to tell her or not (if we ever see each other again) I feel this may just make her feel guilty and I don't want that. I am also determined to hold my ground and not contact her. She has to be the one to come to me as I explained to her before its not fair that I have to reach out to her all the time. Since I last saw her 2 weeks ago tho I haven't heard anything from her...........is this the right thing to do?
Hi all, feeling really down and sad about things today.
As my number has been blocked, I asked a friend to text her for me of my friends phone saying. 'Hey I hope you are feeling better, be really good if we can catch up, go for a lovely walk in that park we like, or we can go to that lovely pub we had the best date on. Below is a copy of my story for those that have missed it.
Hey all,
I was in a relationship with a girl for only 6 weeks, but those 6 weeks were very intense and the attraction and connection was imenese. We met online.
During those 6 weeks we both fell in love and both came out to our family and friends. She has been in 3 relationships with men in the past, but always felt she was gay.
She said all the stuff off how, no one has made her as happy as I have, how much she gets butterflys and never wanted to kiss someone as much as me.
She used to be very hot and cold, and one day I said I can’t deal with you being cold and best we end it if you are going to carry on being this way.
Anyway, it ended as she said fine your right. I tried to make contact to say I was sorry etc, but she did not reply, I tried to make contact on dating website and sent her a sorry card. A week after this she calls me to say stop contacting me, she wont change her mind, it’s over.
So I accepted it and left her alone for 1 week, during this week I went back on the dating website. I then got a text to say, why are you contacting me if you are going on the dating website, you obv have moved on so stop contacting me, she also said I am not on there, but I thought I check and everytime I checked you are on there!
I asked her if she doesn’t want me why is she so bothered that I am back on the dating website. She said it’s none of her business and she knows I am not right for her.
I then said I will be at the train station near her house tomorrow if she wants to meet, the next day she texted me to say, ‘please don’t waste your time I will not be there, and she also said how jealous I used to try make her feel and she had all that with her ex and wouldn”t have that again (I never used to make her jealous by the way, she felt I did by a few comments I made about someone asking me out) she said no matter what her heart says she has to listen to her head, as that stops her heart getting hurt and in her mind it’s over.
So do you think I have a chance? Do you thinkher heart will win?
.
Hey Lou,
I feel that maybe she's experimenting or trying out something new. But if you felt that what you had was real then go for it. I think that if you show her how sincere you are and how willing you are to make things work then you could have a chance with her.
Lou,
Hi. This is a tough one. You've only been together for 6weeks but you said the passion was real. I bet those times were your honeymoon stage. And I guess it is easy for her to tell that she had never felt like that with anyone before because it is honeymoon stage, the most exciting stage of all.
Before you get together, how long had she broken up with her ex bf? Because if it is just a few months then you might be a rebound. But if not, she may be confused because it is her first time to come out as gay. Maybe she is evaluating if she really wants this one with you.
I cannot say that the chances of getting back are that big since it is only 1 and a half month for the two of you. She can ditch you that easily before it gets pretty serious.
How long since the breakup? If it is already a month maybe the chances are slim and she really is serious of not wanting the relationship anymore.
It is hard because there is really no strong foundation at all. I'm 5years with my girlfriend and she had moved on from me in just two months. I hate to tell it to you but somehow consider moving on.
I know Kevin doesn't advice NC for such a short time together. And I can see you are acting needy and creepy.
Lou, the fact that she no longer wants it with you, doesn't want any contact with you, I think is enough to tell you she's done. I don't know if she just wants to be chased or what. But if someone no longer wants you, she will give you all unreasonable reasons. But it all boils down to one - she doesn't want you anymore.
If there are many reasons as to why she doesn't like it compared to reasons why she would consider it, then I suggest you consider moving on.
Hi everyone,
I wanted to give an update on my situation for those who have been following. It's not a good one.
I had figured out that my ex left me with the intention of beginning something with this new girl. This girl is a friend of his roommate and she had been visiting a lot in the month leading up to the break up. The last time I went to visit my ex was end of March and I stayed for the weekend. Two weeks after that it was his roommate's birthday so all of her friends came down, and I was not invited. I was supposed to come visit my ex again and we had plans to try out this new Mexican restaurant. He ended up cancelling those plans and said he was too busy. The weekend after I was supposed to come down, the girl he is now talking to came to visit his roommate. Three days later my ex broke up with me and they now are talking all the time and I guess you could say they have a thing. So he lost feelings for me, but developed feelings for her. It was all starting to make sense as to why he said at the beginning that there was a chance he'd come back and that he didn't know what could happen in a few months and why he said he wanted to be in each other's lives still. If things didn't work out with her, he would come running back to me. It also made sense as to why he was so against trying to make things work - because I think they could have easily been resolved if we were both willing. He didn't want to try because he knew he wanted to pursue things with this girl.
My ex texted me last week when I found out about her and he said to me "do you know how much shit could have gone at my apartment but I was loyal to a girl who was never here." Basically saying he could have cheated on me any time he wanted to when this girl visited his roommate. So that hurt.
On Sunday night I went out for a friend's going away party. I had been drinking. I deleted my ex's number from my phone but I knew it off by heart and I ended up texting him. The next morning I had mixed feelings about what I said. Part of it made me feel proud for standing up for myself, and part of it made me feel sick to my stomach because I felt like it was immature of me. I texted my ex saying that I wasn't stupid, I know he left me for her. When he broke up with me I just had a weird feeling that one of his roommate's friends was involved but when I asked him he just kept saying no and that it was ridiculous of me to think that. But I just had a feeling. So I told him that if he did in fact leave me for her, then I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of getting to keep me in his life just because he didn't want to completely lose me if things didn't work out with her. As much as I love him and want to still be in a relationship with him, I felt proud of myself for saying that and letting him know that he can't walk all over me. I didn't want to be used as a second option. But since I had been drinking, I added in that he downgraded and it was his loss. That's the part I know was immature. I texted my ex the morning after and said I know my comment wasn't mature and I said I wasn't proud of it and was embarrassed. But I also said I can't keep pretending I'm okay with being just friends when I want so much more than that. So I wished him well. This is where it gets bad. He texted me back and I would like to write out exactly what he said so I can get the best advice possible. He said "that downgraded comment was embarrassing. Go back to grade 9. You will be nothing but my ex girlfriend from this point on. I told them (meaning his roommate and friends about my texts). ___ (the girl) doesn't know. But after last night I stopped sympathizing with you and defending you cause of what you're going through. I used to understand and get it, but that was it. I used to think the world of you regardless of my feelings. But not anymore. Goodbye I mean it. Text me again I'll block your number. There will be no coffee no friendship. Two people who used to date, happens all the time. Stop acting like a child. I thought way more if you till around 8am today. Used to want the best for you and want you to be happy. After your performance last night I'm embarrassed for myself and you."
I didn't respond after that. I know what I said wasn't mature and I shouldn't have said it. But there's nothing I can do now. I got advice from my mom, and she said she thinks he had no intention of coming back and that he used my texts as an excuse to officially end things between us. After six and a half years together I can't really believe any of this happened. He plays hockey and a lot of his teammates were not good guys, and he would always say how much he hates that kind of stuff when guys would cheat or leave their long term girlfriends for other girls. I never thought my ex would leave me for another girl. Everyone would always say that they could see how much we loved each other.
So I am officially done contacting my ex. I don't think I'm even going to wish him a happy birthday in August. I know he looks at my twitter so I don't plan on posting anything about my personal life on there. The ball is in his court, if he wants to contact me he can. I think one day he will regret saying what he did to me.
On Canada Day his brother came in to my work with his fiancé. This is the brother who is getting married this November in Mexico, and it's killing me that I won't be able to go because I considered him my big brother and friend. He gave me a hug and asked now I was and said he misses me and that everyone misses me. He said that he wanted to text me but he didn't want to get involved. My ex didn't even tell his brother that he broke up with me until a few weeks later. His family doesn't really know the details or about this girl either. His brother said that my ex is acting like a huge jerk and he said "no one really likes him anymore if that makes you feel any better." He said that he sees him one night a week for hockey but other than that they don't really speak or see each other much. So that was interesting. He hugged me goodbye and said if I ever need to talk I can text him. He said that his parents miss me a lot and that I should go visit them.
Today my ex's roommate texted me. His roommate is a girl and I've known her for awhile and I considered us friends. She's the one who had them all up at the cottage this past weekend. She said she was sorry she didn't message me earlier and that she's been wanting to but wanted to give me time to myself first. She said she's really sorry to hear about my ex and I, and that she knows how hard break ups can be. She also said that she wanted me to know that she never intended for something to happen between my ex and one of her friends. She said she always spoke highly of me to everyone and she hopes I know that and she said she always will. She said if I ever need someone to talk to, she's always here. What I really wanted to say was "kick rocks" but I responded and said thank you. I told her I don't think my ex's feelings are in her hands at all. I told her I appreciated the message and I ended it with "everything happens for a reason."
So that it my update. Sorry it was so long. I am pretty torn up about everything. He said a lot of harsh things to me and I know I deserve better. But at the same time, after knowing him for so long, this isn't him at all.
I believe this is a rebound fling. I think he sees it as someone new who has shown interest in him since I didn't get to visit a lot. I think he thinks it will be so good with her and they're in that honeymoon stage where everything is new and fun. He is also a 22 year old hockey player who has just started university because of how hockey works, and he's never had an actual job besides working at a goalie school shooting pucks at goalies. His parents pay for everything for him/so did I. She is 25 and has a full time job. I think she'll either get over him fast if they do end up together once the honeymoon stage is over. Or I think he'll get over her once the summer is over and it's no longer a fun fling. And maybe he'll realize he made a mistake. He also never really took any time after the break up. They started texting soon after. Who knows what will happen. I do want a relationship with him but if he contacts me one day and wants to come back, I sure as hell won't make it easy. He'll have to earn my respect and my family and friend's respect back. But in the meantime I'm just going to do my own thing and take it one day at a time. A huge chunk of my life is missing now so I know it won't be easy but I'll try my best.
Hey Rachel,
I've enjoyed listening to your story. I'm glad that you have learned from your mistakes and I too think you deserve better. Drinking and texting ex is very bad, I've done it before and ended up meeting her, which was worse. I wish you happiness in your future with someone who deserves you. Take this experience as a part of your life, but also learn to forgive. I know he's said mean things to you and you may have too. You'll find peace when you forgive.
Rachel,
Your story is really touching! I am sorry that shitty things happened in your relationship. As you said probably she is a rebound. Again, as you said, apply NC for at least 2-3 months and improve your life in any aspect you feel required. After all, we need to learn being happy on our own.
I am sure that he will regret it later and may contact you. About his family, they will never forget those 6 years. I promise you! They may even talk about you sometime!
Time heals a lot of pain!!
Thanks Edward and Dara. I went to visit my ex's parents last night, since he was away for the weekend. It was pretty funny, his mom texted me "okay coast is clear" as soon as he left, so that made me laugh. It was tough going over to his house and his mom and I had to choke back tears as I left but it was really nice to see his parents. I'm meeting his mom again this week for tea.
I feel like I have been able to find happiness on my own. I am really hurt but I'm still able to have fun with friends and be content with where I am. There's a quote I love - "She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she is sad. And that's important."
I find it very strange because his parents were talking about how my ex is keeping to himself a lot. They said that he doesn't talk much, even to his brothers. As I mentioned before, his brother said he is acting like a jerk and that they don't really speak anymore, which is weird because they were really close. He's not acting like himself at all I don't think. For all I know he's having a weird quarter life crisis haha. He had a rough year with hockey and maybe the fact that we didn't see each other much.
If anything changes/happens in the future with regards to my ex and I, I do plan on updating my situation on here. Maybe it will be a positive one. I do appreciate all of the advice and support I have gotten from you all.
You're Welcome Rachel! I'm happy that you feel happy. Your feelings might be on and off but one day they will stable. Enjoy the tea and company of good friends! Best of luck!
UPDATE: So my ex boyfriend and I have been communicating over the last couple of days. Things have actually been going great lately. Tonight he expressed his true feelings. I was in utter shock because he rarely does that. He told me he isn't ready to fully close the chapter with us. I told him I was scared because it would have to be different this time around. He agreed with me and told me how vulnerable he felt about the situation, because he has never been a person to put down his pride. So in the end, we decided we would take things slow and build back up to where we was, that we would not talk every day, but like every other or so. I could live with that. It's kinda exciting to see where this will go. I'm just hoping that regaurdless things will be a lot different from how they used to be. (:
That's great. All the best.
My ex sent me a brief email tonight, and prior to that, I have been feeling sad for the past few days because of his lack of initiating contact with me.. and especially tonight because I peeked at one of his social media pages (even though I know it is a bad idea to because it always hurts more than helps - it's like a bad addiction!) and felt sad and started to cry and work myself up again. Then I got his email (funny how that happens), but because of how I realize that trying to be friends with him while I still have feelings for him is not helping me heal at all, I decided to reply and let him know I cannot be friends right now. Friends, I give up on trying to get him back for now. I have only been in touch with him again for only 6 weeks and in that time, I have only met up with him once (though I was away for maybe 2 weeks of that time, and he was busy for some time too) . Thinking about how it's only been 6 weeks, I realize I have been very impatient and should probably hold out, but it is all very crazy making. Instead of healing completely and moving in that direction, I am focusing on him and it is just prolonging my sadness. I decided to just stop contact with him until I really have moved past it all. If we are meant to be together in the future, it will happen. Seeing as we broke up not out of any major issues (like fighting or conflict), if we someday meet again in the future, there would not be that baggage.
Anyway, thank you for all of your help and support. Good luck to everyone!
Dear Raed, David, and Dara , and EVERYONE!
So after yesterday's episode where I almost killed myself for contacting my ex with a poem I'm sure especially Raed remembers this one cos I almost died hahaha... Well, I received a reply this morning saying that he had a very painful night yesterday but he read my poem now and thinks it's good and Also, that he's going to write it in calligraphy (he's a calligrapher too) and send it to me :) ... I'm so sad that he's always in pain and I can't do anything to help him :( ... He obviously loves me (well he said that to me) and misses me but the situation is so crap that we 'Can't' be together rather than don't 'Want' to be together :( ... So what do I do? do I still apply NC or at least ask about how he's doing? or wait til he calls me Saturday? I really need some guidance here cos I NEVER EVER want to go through an episode like yesterday hahahaha... Thank you guys, you're all gems!
ps: do you think 32 yo is too old?
I'm no expert but I think you should wait till he call you. It'll give him a chance to think more about you, and you won't look needy.
Rihanna,
I am truly happy that things did not really go bad! Its okay for now! Simply don't act needy! Make yourself busy so that you naturally spend more time on yourself rather than him or thinking about him!
About the age! I am 31 but I truly feel that I am younger than those who are 26, 27, 28, 29 or 30 both by look and by desire for excitement/joy! It simply depends on the person!
thank you Confused and Dara :)
Dara, you're right I'm 32 and I feel and look like early 20s haha but with all of this I'm panicking about life lately especially cos I have to depend only on myself from now on and that I'm single again for the first time ever! So you think I should not respond to his 'I've had a painful night last night' message? I'm missing him less and less and that worries me cos then I remember the most amazing time together and don't want to lose that... and by his reaction I know he feels the same. Anyway, what's new with you lately? Any progress? I feel like I've made good friends on this site that I hardly ever check my facebook anymore hahaha... thanks heaps for your advice and support :)
Rihanna,
Hey! I can sense everything is doing good! I am happy for you, really!
I guess, he cares and he knows you are waiting because he gave you a reason as to why he responded only now. Because he thinks you deserve to know and not just because he is ignoring you.
Rihanna, you are too absorbed in the 'relationship' because if you are going to ask us, your friends, we can see that everything is doing good for you compared to us ending up being really dumped. Lol
I guess you are just to absorbed that's why you are a bit panicky. But you see, you (and him) are SLOWLY ironing things out. He loves you, he let you know he does. What's the panic?
I suggest you give him time. Not necessarily no contact but don't waste time waiting for him. Do your own thing. And when he contacts you, that's when you will reply. Don't bug him because he is dealing with his own pain and you being needy won't help him through it.
Just act strong and independent. Do not be needy. When he is not contacting you, do your own thing. When he contacts you, respond. Don't seem pushy to make him talk to you.
Good luck!
Thank you Raed, may I ask where you live and how old are you? I'm just interested cos you sound very mature (I guess everyone here does, except me hahahaha)... You are right although I don't think I'm acting too needy with him but only on this site I like to vent out and whinge hahaha...
Today, however,I feel very very low, depressed, lonely and a big failure in life. Of course that's never a thing to share with my ex or anyone but I am disappointed. My life and my life choices have been really disappointing and I hate myself for it, today I just want to vanish from earth! Tomorrow may be a different story (I hope)... I don't like the city where I'm living and want to move back to the big city but can't afford it. Now, I'm stuck here for a good year at least cos I've transferred my course and though it's been supportive financially living back at home I'm simply just NOT happy. I'm sorry again for whinging here but I'm thinking that the fact I don't have a job/work/career and I'm just starting now is also disappointing.
Rihanna,
I am somewhere from Asia amd I am 21 years old haha!
I am like that at times too. I guess no matter how smart, old, successful you are when it comes to love and pain we are all just the same.
I guess you are just feeling depressed or sad or lonely. Are you sure your feeling of such is not because of your disappointment with your relationship?
I guess everything is somehow connected. When you feel pained everything around you becomes worth whining for. Lol!
Maybe you just feel down at the moment because you don't have him, no career yet and you want to transfer to the big city. It is like they hit on you all at once.
Rihanna, you said it yourself, you are not happy. You don't have a career. Don't you think that's what you should be focusing on first? Those things are more essential to life, I guess.
I suggest you plan on what will you take action on first. Is it your career? Is it your transfer back to the big city? Is it the relationship?
All of those are your problems but you cannot juggle them all at once because you might end up losing one, or both, or all. Besides, all of them are of mere importance to you. Decide on which one you think you can handle first then you can later deal with the other two.
And about the relationship, you are not happy with yourself. What makes you think you'll be happy in a relationship? If you allow relationships to make you happy and to fix problems for you then you are again bound for heartache and failure.
Rihanna, we don't find someone to complete us. We must be complete beforehand to unite with someone complete too. If you are not happy with yourself, what makes you think you'll be happy with someone. Yes, you might be. But you are covering up an issue you must be addressing - and that is finding your self-worth. And once that someone leaves you, you start from scratch wondering who are you and what's your purpose.
Make at peace with yourself first. Try addressing your own unresolved issues. Love is a union of two independent people. You have to preserve and respect and celebrate each one's individuality in a relationship.
Rihanna, nothing is sexier than a woman who knows how to handle herself :-)
Your intelligence is way beyond your 21 years Raed, well done! Thank you very much for this message I definitely feel better after reading it.
Rihanna,
Thanks for the compliment! But I cannot totally say that I am that good because you know, I failed at my own relationship. Haha
I am looking forward for the days to come to see you progress. To see you being able to handle and control your emotions far from the AAAAAARGH! WHAT DO I DO, DID I RUIN IT?! Haha. I still find it too cute :P
For the days to come I would love to see you post here like the kind of Festive Dave's, BUT I AM NOT HUNGRY BY 5:30 because somehow you show control. Haha
You are all too cute. Goodluck, Rihanna!
Hi Kevin
So just over 2 weeks ago my ex contacted me after about 6 weeks of NC asking how I was doing with kisses at the end. I gave him quite blunt answers as didn't want him to think I'd just come running back to him after what happened. Then last sunday was my birthday and he texted me wishing me a happy birthday. I answered more friendly this time adding a smiley and kiss at the end when I said thank you. But now I have a bit of a problem and I'm really confused. He works in a hotel in spain in the summer (thats where I met him) and my parents have booked for us to go back there next month. I haven't seen him in 6 months and now I'm definitely going to see him so I'm really nervous. I texted him today letting him know I was coming and he's read it but hasn't replied. Now I'm really worried he doesn't want to see me and thinks I'm stalking him but we've actually been going on holiday to that place for years. After he contacted me I thought he would be happy to know he's going to see me again but now I'm not so sure. Why is he trying to speak to me one minute then ignoring me the next? Is this some sort of strategy of his? I'm so confused.
If anyone else can help that would be great too :)
hey sarah,
i think he is also hurt from the breakup and he is confused.and this is not a bad thing.wait until he contacts you.if he is warm ,you be warm,.f he is cold ,you be cold.no pressure.be relaxed and show him you are having a good time.
Good luck
Hi Sarah,
I've been there and well, sometimes I experience it still. We can't always wait for people to answer us, especially those who we really want to talk to. Make your conversations interesting and that he would be willing to respond back. I think communication is crucial whether in a relationship or trying to get back to him. If you just send him regular texts of how is your day going, what'd you do today. His answers will just be plain and simple. If you do things on your own instead of spending your efforts waiting for his reply, you'll have more to say the next time you talk to him. No one wants to be with someone who is boring. You two haven't seen each other for 6 months, you should have a lot to say, but remember don't give it all out. You want to have a face to face contact and slowly get him to warm up.
Hello everyone!! As you probably already know, my daughter told my mother that my ex's mom hit her. Personally I think my daughter was lying. My mom believed her and told me to straighten the situation. I gave my 4 yr old daughter a speech and took the situation to his mom. I explained to her that I want to teach my daughter a lesson but I never accused her of it. Apparently we squashed the issue. My ex was extremely upset and said my mom caused this (he hates her). He said the damage has been done. I think he used this situation to have an excuse to break up. Yesterday I went to fb and discovered his mom opened a new account and requested everyone except me. His mom and I were very close. She had my back. He knew this. Sometimes I think he wanted his mom to exclude me from fam. So thay he wont feel guilty of the breakup and distancing from my daughter, whuch adores him. Strangely, he texts me to express how much he misses her and wants to be in my life. I think his mom encouraged him to stay away bc shes hurt. He has never stayed away from her. Idk... I decided to deactivate my fb account. Its not allowing me to move on. My intentions were good. He claims I accused her child abuse.... or my mom did. He says he believes me but his mom is scared my mom will start more trouble. I think my ex has the power to fix the situation. I did enough. After everything, he still wants to meet to "discuss visitation w my daughter." Why would he after everything? Could this be his excuse? Im deeply hurt. I already did NC. I was stern.what do you suggest I do? He says he doesn't know what will happen in the future... never mentioning us... but sometimes he says we're over. My daughter is getting most affected bc to her he is her daddy. What do you suggest I do? Whats your opinion on this matter? Pls help.
hey confused,
i think what your ex's mom might have done has nothing to do with your ex.let your daughter meet him.don't let him know that you want him back.i think activating your fb account would help to show him that you are not depressed.change something in your life and follow the plan you had.
A.Z, you're right about activating FB again. I dont know if it will make a diff since my ex and I aren't fb friends. I'll do it anyway... in our convo, I was a bit upset about the situation and basically told him off. He responded and told me he loved me and couldn't believe what I said. Hearing the words "I love you" weakened me. I told him if he loved me, why couldn't we work it out.. blah blah... no response. Ive given him NC till he comm w me. Im a bit angry at him bc he claims he's comm bc of my daughter but doesnt visit or call her!
He's highly upset about the mom situation. He told me the damage has been done... damage of what I did or damage between us, but conts to comm. If he mentions a comment about his mom again, I think im going to burst. I never accused her, although, I understand his reasons. Ive apologized many times and im done w that sit. Should I ignore him when he mentions it again? I feel this is his way to make me feel guilty, and avoiding more impt topics. Should I cont. To sound cheerful? We're suppose to meet soon and I honestly dont know how to act. My only focus is my looks, attitude and trying to avoid touchy subjects. I desperately need advice. This is bothering me so much. Btw, thank you for responding A.Z.
Dear confused,
keep showing him that you are happy.if he mentions anything that would normally make you mad just act like you are not affected.he expects you to be mad so you should change his thoughts.don't think about his words.most of the men or women do this in some situations to make the opposite sex feel guilty and their words are full of crap.it's not about you so don't be affected.even though you are not FB friends he is gonna check your profile.so keep cool and continue the plan.
You are absolutely right A.Z. thanks for the advice.
How long after making contact again should I ask to meet them?
It depends on how your ex is responding to you. If they are cold, you should wait for a while. If not, you should ask them after a week or two.
Hi Kevin,
So my ex has just broken up with me after almost 5 years although we are on good terms, I know she still has feelings for me and it was the way the relationship had gone as opposed to 'me' being the reason she ended it. I have been a bit needy the last couple of days since she called it off but we almost split up a couple weeks ago and then she was the needy one so hopefully I haven't blown things too much in that department.
The no contact thing is going to be very difficult as we shared a house, numerous possessions etc and that is all up in the air and needs to be sorted- but also she has a 7 year old daughter that I have treated as my own since she was 2 so not asking how she is will just be impossible (and I know my ex will not be happy if I look uncaring). I have bought myself some new clothes, changed my hair and made plans with friends already so that is fine but I'm not sure how to attempt no contact because of the child?
I also have one massive worry of a guy that she recently met that I know likes her and that constantly texts her, he isn't a factor at the moment but I also know that she gets very lonely as doesn't know many people and can't get out much because of being a parent, so may be tempted to invite him over, have a few drinks and... ewww! Do you recommend that I treat this as 'if it happens, it happens' and there's nothing I can do about it? I'm worried that should we reconcile this will cause an immediate problem as I will likely have issue with it (despite it not really being any of my business)!
Thanks.
Oops, sorry I see the child and house/possessions topic is covered in the FAQs, my bad!
I am really struggling with the NC. It's been a week and we have been broken up for 2 months but had an apartment and things to seperate. We don't have to talk now unless we want to. We were engaged. He has did he wants to be friends but the only time he wanted to hang out was to sleep with me. I cut that off 2 weeks ago. I am worried with the NC he will move on or won't reach out.
He won't move on so soon. Follow the plan.
I have been with the father of my four children for over 20 years during which time he had a 'traditional' marriage and several affairs. As a result of these affairs the situation has become increasingly difficult between us and he has recently turned to an ex colleague who has always fancied him, despite he was never interested because he always said she was 'not his type' and she's not. It is very bizarre that he is interested in her at all but to make it worse he is declaring undying love, that she is his soulmate etc., and suggesting he is going to go on holidays with her etc.. He is also intoducing his youngest son from his traditional marriage to her, despite he knows that the mother forbids such a thing, so the son has to lie.
I am panicking badly as I do want to spend my life with him and was looking forward to our life together after kids.
I have worked to make myself happy, not needy etc., and could happily meet up with him for some relaxed fun. However, any contact results in complete hatred, vitriol and bitterness from him. He is so angry and full of rage, saying that he hates me, despises me and never wants to see me again. After over twenty years and four kids. I just don't get it. The kids are refusing to have anything to do with him on account of his behaviour.
Please can you advise as to how I can get him back and get the family back together.
Thank you
Hey Esme,
I think his hatred is a sign that he still has feelings for you. However, I don't think you should pursue him anymore. If after some time, he realizes that he wants you and comes back on his own, great. But if not, you should just concentrate on moving on and learning to be happy without him. I know it's hard after 20 years, but I think it's the best thing for you to do.
I'm really confused with my current situation... Can someone help me please?
I and my ex boyfriend broke up 3 month ago after 3 years relationship, and I applied no contact for a month. We broke up because we argued too much and he had a pressure of marriage (we both are 27). A month ago, my ex contacted me and told me he still cares about me and thinks we still have a chance. 3 weeks ago we met and talked about what we've done wrong and what we can do to make it better, but my ex started saying he still is not sure if we should get back or not. In the end, we agreed on doing something fun together for a while, and we'll see how our relationship goes...
I know this isn't a good idea, but I couldn't force him to decide when he's worried because he thinks things too much and negatively. He said he wants to make sure if we are for each other. Also, he seemed unsure if he misses me as a best friend or girlfriend. What do you think how I can improve this situation...?
Best thing you can do now for the both of you is do NC (no contact) for one month... that'll help him shape his decision better and more importantly you will as well... good luck
Monique,
I think i'm in a similar situation and confused as well. In your case, it seems like he needs to figure things out on his own terms. Like Rihanna suggested, I'd give him little time and space, and see where it goes. Personally, I'd respond, but I wouldnt initiate contact or be chatty for awhile. I'm kind of doing that right now, and it's pretty hard haha. But i'm trying to take one day at a time. If I can do it, I think you can do it too. Good luck!
Hi Monique,
A way I think you can improve in your situation is that, you should enjoy your moments with him as much as possible. If you can't tell the future, why not cherish every moment you two have together? Don't use your efforts worrying about if there's a "gf/bf" label there, your actions will show it. Especially if you two are seeing each other and you two are having a good time. These times should be creating new bonding and happy moments. The more memories you two create having a fun time with one another, the less likely he will leave you. Monique, remember to take it slow and enjoy every moment you have with him. I think you're on your way to getting back together, you're considered to be in a very good position compared to most of us who can't even see our ex's or even get them to talk. So cherish your moments and enjoy life, good luck.
i think you don't need to restart NC.you should try to reattract him.you should show him that something positive has happened in your life during the NC.you should let him know that you are doing great in your life.you should think of it as a new date and try to create good moments and this will remind him of the good moments you had in the past.don't say anything about the breakup or negative memories.let it be his idea to get back.
Good luck
Thank you all for your considerable comments!
He said he wanted to make sure to get back together so maybe I should make him feel fun and comfortable to be with me again. Even after a while he is worried about us, then I will give him time and space to think...
Hello everyone! I did something today I think I regret and that's initiating contact with him AGAIN! I seem to be doing most of the first contact with him and because he's sick and feeling down a lot these days I'm using that as an excuse to message him :( ... I don't want him to think I'm chasing after him. Today, I handwrote a poem in our native language and sent it to him as an image on whatsapp then said, tell my what you think of this and hope you're feeling better today. This isn't a bad thing per say but I feel awkward cos he hasn't responded (I know cos he's feeling down). Also, I feel like i'm doing too much because few days ago I sent him a 'get well soon' card with a voucher inside and i only sent him the money because I feel like I owe him so much from the days he held me together and helped me lots financially and emotionally. Otherwise I've never given money to men and don't like the idea. But because it was a 'voucher' it's more of a gift really. So, I don't know whether he's received it and I don't want to ask him, I should've left him alone until he contacts first at least to say 'thank you' but I missed him so much this evening that I sent him the poem with a friendly text. I don't know why every time I find myself enjoying my day I miss him then I feel sad, it's like I feel guilty for feeling ok and happy. He said that he'll call me on saturday cos that marks our one year anniversary, he said that on Monday when I spoke with him. I feel like he's upset with himself that we couldn't work out and he's blaming himself for not being self sufficient to keep this relationship. He's always charming and reminding me of great time we had together he said: ' What we had was not just great it was beyond great, the connection we had' so at least he has good memories of us... and his messaging is always like 'Remember when...' I know he has feelings for me and he reassured me that 'his feelings for me will never change and that he's never felt like that with a woman before' and he used to say that when we were together as well. He said he's seeing life differently and when he gets better he's gonna do things differently but I'm not sure if I'm included in his plans. He wants to see me but not sure where or when cos he doesn't want to see me while he's sick and feeling down, from the sound of him. I have lots of questions for him but every time we talk on the phone I forget to discuss them and end up just having fun talking and reminiscing. At this stage I think it's good but how long will this last before he or I get bored and move on. It would really be a shame if we lost each other cos that connection we had hardly ever happens, I know he's able to move on and I'm able too but we will never find souls that fits so well with us like we have with each other... I NEVER believed in soul mates until I met him and he's had hundreds of girls from all over the world but never the way he's with me... despite our age we're each other's first true love. What can I do to hold on to this without suffocating the relationship and how can we progress nicely?
Rihanna,
Hey. Pull back. Abort mission. Abort mission. Lol
Rihanna, do you want the NC you did to be put into waste? Because that is what you are doing.
You pulled back before and then he initiated to contact you. Confessing his undying love and that rare connection. He came after you because you told him that you have 'accepted' the breakup.
I suggest, you read your previous post because you told us that you want to play it cool and appear not needy and not in love anymore with him. You are not following your own-made plan. At times when we allow our emotions to rule out we defy logic. I guess if you want to fully have him back, devise a plan.
For example, you make a plan about 'what if i suddenly crave for him and want his presence' then plan that you won't act on it right away and that you will wait hours to reevaluate what you feel. I hope you are getting it. I know you know what you will be feeling and you will have random feelings, plan how to respond to it.
Imagine a hanging bridge. Both of you are on the other side. You wouldn't like to cross anymore and so it is his turn to reach out to you. But remember, this is a hanging bridge. Any sudden moves, you might be dead. He reaches out to you little by little to the othet end. He isn't even halfway the bridge but you got all hyped up. You started to run towards him or come to him. The bridge shakes violently. And what will he do? He mighy run away again on the other end because it isn't safe.
AAAARGH! Raed! I'm feeling sooooooo upset with myself right now! I didn't speak to him all day yesterday and today unitl I sent him a poem this evening and I know he's received it but hasn't responded! AAAAAARGGGH!!! I'm gonna cry... Did I ruin it? did I ruin everything? I know if he was in better condition he'd be with me right now so do you think his feelings for me can save what I've done with the texting? Or do you think he's running? AAARGH!!!!!!! thanks for your advice Raed :'(
OMG I'm so sad with myself I'm crying! I think I ruined the purpose of NC and everything I've done :(
Festival David again so no-one gets confused ha
Try not to think about it Rihanna, I dont think youve ruined it,
Like Raed said, just take a step back now, he will contact you im sure of it!
Just wait until he does :) . I dont think hes going to go all NC and cold turkey on you now especially after he reached out to you etc
x
Rihanna,
You are making me smile. I love when girls do that freaking out thing. I find it cute, really. Haha
Anyway, back to your problem. I might say it is not yet too late IF YOU STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW THAT MIGHT RUIN THE NC YOU DID.
But somehow it might be harder to have him running back to you again because you see, you wrote him a letter telling him you 'accepted' the break up and so he reaches out to you.
Then when he is 'back' in your arms, you did the whole thing that Kevin warns us not to. He might get confused because you said you are fine with you being over then when he tries to initiate contact there you go again with your clingy attitude.
I don't knos if he will get turned off with the way you act because it is as if you only fooled him that you 'accepted' it already. It will be harder for you this time to tell him again that you really have 'accepted' it for the second time. Because he might go into thinking you haven't improved yet.
I don't know if I will suggest NC but it might be best to let him contact you first and you just respond. Not you contacting him first.
Don't panic. You mighy mess it up more.
I promise not to contact him anymore until he does (fingers crossed) Saturday. If he messages tomorrow about the poem I'm going to message something very short but fun and say I'm at college... If he doesn't call on Saturday to mark our one year I PROMISE I WON'T EITHER not only to punish myself but I need to stop contacting him and I agree with you both... If he calls on Saturday of course I'll answer and be friendly :) ... I pray to God he's ok with me sending him a voucher gift cos I know he has an inflated ego especially when it comes to money... I pray to God I haven't pissed him off :'( waaaah! and the STUPID thing is, I wasn't missing him that much when I texted today I think I was more bored although had a busy day boohooooo :'( ... I think even if he calls Saturday I'm doing NC for 2 weeks, If I don't hear from him I do NC for 3 weeks :'(... Not a good day for some of us here :'(
Anyway Raed, how are you progressing? haven't heard from you in a while, your story is interesting you're ignoring the dumper, turned the dumper into the dumpee by you the dumpee haha... good for you! so what's next for you?
David, Thank you so much for your advice as well... looks like we're both struggling and in need of a get away! Spain sounds fantastic for you :) I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us and I hope we come here cheerful and with better news to share
Rihanna,
I hope you are completely fine by now. I completely agree with RAED. Don't do such dangerous stuff. By reading some of your recent posts, I feel like you are still needy. Be careful about it because he might sense it when you talk to him. It will give him some comfort of not losing you so easily. Sometimes we take our loved once for granted because they seem to be too weak to run away.
Anyway, its fine now but stick to the plan. As RAED said have some solid plans for the moments you might get emotional. For example: It has been years that I have made a rule: No Facebook when I am drunk! About the NC especially in the first couple of days: I would pick up the phone and call or text a friend asking him/her about his life. As a result now I have a lot of friends who are back!! LOL
RAED: I believe you are also doing really good. I can feel it from your comments! Strong and tough! I believe if you keep going this way, you might think about a new relationship! ha ha ha... There are a lot of flavors in this universe that has to be tasted! LOL
David, the man of festivals: I believe you are in good shape too! My ex is probably going to a festival this weekend but I don't care about her anymore! Its fun and tutorial to read your comments here!
Dara,
Hey, man! Yes, I am doing real good! There are no chances for reconciliation according to the ex. But I no longer care. Haha
After the break up I thought I wouldn't get thru this but here I am now! I still miss/think of her at times or sometimes most of the times but tbe only difference is that I don't act on it. I just acknowledge the feeling whenever my mind thinks of her but I dismiss doing any actions to reach out. After all, I have done my part. If she wants me, then let her come and get me. Lol
I believe you are doing great too! You always sound so happy! And it's contagious haha! I hope Rihanna gets this infection too. Because she always sound in panic with all the AAAAARGH WHAT TO DO?! Haha. Girls are cute.
Anyway, yes. I would love to have a taste of all the exciting flavors out there. Hihi. Cheers!
hahahaha... Dara your comment made me laugh about me panicking AAAAARGH! i'm panicking now hahaha... I do hope your happiness rubs off on me especially today I'm having a bit of a sad sad day :'( ... But always good to know I can talk to friends like you and Raed and everyone of course... Hope you keep coming on this site and soon hopefully you'll find your best flavor and stick to it! :D ha!
Rihanna,
I am one of those guys who keeps reading things on internet. I am really enjoying reading stories here. They are surreal!! In fact, I was always looking for a site on relationships and real life experiences. I visit here much more often than FB. I am eager to know what will happen next to some of the stories that I have been moving with.
Wish you good luck Rihanna. Keep updating us!
Festival David here :)
Seems to be a bad day/week for most of us!!
So im in a dilemma at the moment, I actually dont know which way to go with this.
So my ex has been initiating contact, she recently suggested catching up but then basically cancelled.
Now my question is, in Relationship Rewind and here, it suggests been Friends...Well I been going down the False Friendship route.. but not sure if that is my mistake
As now I dont know whether I should basically ask my ex to meet and ask her what she wants to happen with us...Or should I just carry on with the friendship as I am? but at the same time, Get rid of any hope and just talk to other women and do my own thing?
I dont get why she would give me compliments, suggest to meet up etc but then still keep cancelling and keeping me at arms length?
Maybe I should just forget about reconcilliation and treat her as a normal female friend and just forget about it all and look forward to my holiday in 6 weeks?
If she wanted me she would come get me before I go away...or is that wrong? Should I make the move to her?
My only issue with making the move towards her, is I did this at the very beggining and she said "it wont ever work" "we dont work etc" and shes only agreed to meet and talk to me etc under the "False Friendship"
Im not in the friendzone yet as she hasnt talked about other guys...but I dont think Ill ever be in that zone as she would just keep it quiet from me I think.
I also think me been her "friend" might be helping her get over the breakup coz im basically there when she wants someone to talk to etc
What are your thoughts? x
Hey festive dave! (I like the sound of that)... I think you're reading into her 'cancellation' too much perhaps something did come up and she had to... relax (I know I sound like a hypocrite saying the word relax) but for your sake chill! the whole 'being friends to help her get over the breakup' isn't making much sense... how will someone get over someone they love if they keep in contact? and you're lucky cos she initiates contact with you ... Keep calm you are doing GREAT! and can't wait for the wedding to happen hahaha...
Haha Thanks Rihanna, I suppose your right about the getting over someone if they are still in contact...but then I just think..shes stringing me along, Stopping me from moving on and her still knowing she can have me when she wants etc? Therefore Im there as a backup plan if you get me?
As for the cancellation...Well she cancelled without anything coming up though...Like she said Friday was a no go as she "needed to sleep early"...REALLY?
Then she said any other day is fine
After I suggested a day/time, she didnt say she was busy or anything she just wanted it straight after work and then quickly said "doesnt matter then"
Why wouldnt she just suggest another day/time? especially as the catch up was her idea ha..
I do over think things :)...but we will see if she actually initiates over the next few days or not, because I havent heard from her since yesterday and no "night night x" like I normally get.
im thinking of booking a quick holiday in next 2 weeks to just get away for a relax x
Hey, a holiday is a great idea i'm doing the same ha :) ... I think your ex is nervous because girls get bit nervous and insecure when they meet the ones they love... she's thinking: 'Do I look good? Did I put on bit of weight? Can I be confident around him without tearing up? Do I have something interesting for conversation? If he says he has a girlfriend how will I react to that in front of him? Can I keep my cool with him? Perhaps dinner was a bad idea cos it seems like a date I should've suggested lunch somewhere..etc..." the list can go on but David, are you getting my drift? I would be nice for you to initiate contact with her in the next couple of days and since she wanted to come to your place, she probably expects you to 'invite' her there rather than she inviting herself. Or perhaps if she's not comfortable go out for lunch in Day light... I like day meetings more cos it's more casual for the first time and she doesn't have to worry whether it's meant to be a date and whether to wear casual or dress up... day time suggests jeans and a top and she won't get judged for it... I do most of the initiating with my ex and i'm wondering whether guys just aren't interested in texting first lol? But I think you have a good thing going there, and yes, she may need to sleep early friday or actually 'A friday night date' sounds bit off (for me anyway), she doesn't want to be the friday night girl... WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S THINKING? but at least she's thinking to meet up with you and you're still A+ in her books so why don't you initiate a catch up like a gentleman and give her few days and few options and let her decide, I'm sure that'll make her feel better... Good Luck!
Yeah I see your point Rihanna,
I think I will initiate contact in a few days, Maybe see if she fancies just a catch up on Sunday then...nothing formal.
Its not our first meet up so not sure on that front, or why she might be nervous about looking good as shes the one wanting to meet after work when neither of us will look good! haha
But everything else made sense :)..i mean after all she did initiate the meet up..so yeah I think I will message her On friday and see if she wants to meet up on Sunday. thanks x
Festive David,
Hey. I suggest you to pull back and abort mission.
I can sense she is stringing you along. She is trying to control you even afyter the break up. I can tell that she wants to be friends with you because she wants to see you become miserable or alone. She is using you to move on. You allow yourself to be a doormat everytime you are there when she needs someone to talk to.
The more you allow yourself to be ever present for her, she will never value you simply because you are always there. After all, you are no longer in a reltionship. You do not owe it up to her to make her feel good when she feels bad or whatever. You do not need to respond if she wants someone to talk to. Don't be a doormat.
She broke up with you amd by that she already has an edge over you. By being always present you are allowing her again to take advantage of that for her to move on. Would you want that? Of course not.
She scored a point when she broke up with you. Would you give her another point if she gets more even if she will use you to move on? DON'T.
You are both having a hard time especially you, David. Don't make it easy for her to move on by allowing yourself to be used.
Keep distance. Allow her to sort out her feelings first and for her to stop her silly mind games of push-pull. If she wants you, she will come after you this time with more firmer ground and not the asking you out and cancelling thing.
Stand for what you believe you deserve so that you will not be shaken once she plays on you.
Goodluck!
Thanks Raed,
The only thing I seem to struggle is how to handle the distance, Im quite good at not initiating contact now and Im good at not been overly friendly with her etc...As I posted few weeks ago, I talk to her as just a normal friend.
The only bit I dont know how to handle is how to NOT respond...I mean If she texts me and says "Hey, how are you?" or something similar...Im not sure how to NOT respond to that...afterall we said we are ok been friends etc and I would genuinely respond to a friend in that way.
Do you see what I mean?
So if I just ignore her, then after the 1st or 2nd text she will twig straight away that im ignoring her...then what? haha Its that that im always unsure about!
Thanks a lot for your advice though!
Festive Dave,
Wow. I should make a name for myself too! Lol
I wasn't able to follow your story but I assume you already did the NC right? You agreed to be 'friends' and she knows you have 'accepted' the break up.
I guess by tje way she acts, she wants to play her mind games on you. Because you are 'playing hard to get' or no longer coming after her she wants to put your mask down. She is testing you if you have really moved on or is really fine with the friendship thing and so she compliments you, make plans of catching up then pulls back. She wants to see you go crazy amd put your defenses down. Then when you bite her bait, she might play with you more. She is trying to win the break up by messing with you mind.
And also i think with you being around she might use you to her advantage. Having you around might make it esy for her to move on because she is monitoring you. Don't give her the chance to move on easily by allowing yourself to be available.
DO. NOT. ALLOW. IT. TO. HAPPEN.
Hi raed,
Thanks, it makes a lot of sense, I didnt do the Full NC...basically I managed about 1.5 weeks haha.
Basically i didnt text for a week and then she started asking about me..but we had amutual friend meal coming up and the conversation started then...and Ive been just texting her as normal.
I did tell her im ok with just friends and I did accept the breakup, I did this all before I stopped NC for 1.5 weeks ha, I did a lot of the stuff in the wrong order.
I dont want to let down my defenses ha, Like I said in the comment above...Im pretty much thinking of going away for a few days to spain or somewhere...Im not going to tell her im going.
My friend does think shes playing mind games on me too, with the pulling back on the date thing...
Thanks a lot for your help and opinion
Sorry festive Dave, I thought it was your first meet up and that's why I said the above things about her thoughts and being nervous etc... I think and especially cos you didn't follow through, I think you should complete proper NC for 1 month :) ... That will throw her into confusion and if she wants to play mind games, I'm sure she's the one to end up crying and beaten in her own game... I hope for your sake she's genuine in her feelings to get back with you... Sure is a hard week for most of us here but keep your chin up and everything will work out in your favour...
David,
Oh, David. That is my problem too! Haha. I don't know how will I handle if she initiates contact first since we agrees to be friends! Lol
After we've agreed to being friends, usually she is the one to contact me first. And what I do is that at times when I don't feel like talking, I just ignore her message. Just like what you would do to some friend if you don't feel like talking at the moment.
If ever you would want to talk to her because you are 'friends', I suggest you wait about 30mins before you reply so you won't seem too excited for her text and it would seem that you are busy doing your thing.
If ever you've been talking/texting for too long and you no longer find the messages sensible such as HAHAHA or XXXXX, I suggest to not drag the conversation any longer. Let the conversation die naturally. If she still wants to talk to you more, she'll come up wit anything to talk about.
I hope this somehow helps. Goodluck!
Hi Raed,
Thanks a lot....my problem is thats EXACTLY how I have been responding.
Basically I stopped contacting her, she initiated 99% of the contact with me. I reply normally to her texts and she definitely noticed because she has questioned me a few times "have you met anyone yet?" "Am I doing your head in texting?" "YOu didnt want to talk earlier" etc
If the conversation seems to be dying, I let it die, quite frequently with her sending the last reply sometimes like you said simple 1 word answers or jokes etc and I DO let it die.
She then initiates contact with me again by saying "Night night x"
This has been going on over the past 3 weeks or so and thats how it led me to this latest dilemma, which is she initated contact after coming back from the festival and asking if I wanted to catch up.
haha
I think best thing for me to do is this....let me know if any of you have a different opinion
My plan is:
Carry on how I am for 2 more weeks (not initiating contact but replying just normally)
Then after 2 weeks I will see if she wants to catch up and will just have a talk with her and just ask what she wants to happens between us as Im a bit confused. Im ok with friends etc but just explain that sometimes im a bit confused such as the little argument she had with me (Friends dont do that etc) and just ask what she wants.
what do you all think?
David,
I believe there has been a mistake in your plan. You should have applied one month of NC! She should have felt the loneliness in those days but in this situation, she won't! She is trying to move on, but whenever she feels lonely she uses you to assure herself that there is a comeback if her plan fails.
I completely agree with RAED! Be tough! Don't respond to her texts randomly and if she got mad at you simply tell her that you did not see it! Oh! I remember that it was very tough for me to not respond to her text promptly when she texted me. My (stupid) idea was that she will learn basic manners/respect that should be there in a relationship. It was so stupid! DON'T REPEAT MY MISTAKES! By the way, these invitations and cancellings also happened in the last days of my relationship! I had to punish her for cancelling but I acted weak! DON'T!!
Kevin should have the best answer but to my understanding you should do 1 month of NC! My suggestion is that if she text you, reply her politely and tell her that you still need time and space to re-evaluate the situation. Emphasis that you don't know what is the right thing to do and all you know is that you need time and space! Don't talk anything about friendship, or stuff like that! Emphasis on "I DON'T KNOW"! Next, go for the vacation you already said! I am pretty sure that she will find her mind games and calculations are all messed up!
David,
Oh, man. That is what I have been doing. Haha
I agree with your plan of continuing for 2 more weeks what you are doing. She is sensing that you are somehow drifting away so she tries to get hold of you by asking you to do some catching up.
I suggest, don't get fooled. Continue what you are doing because anyway you don't owe it up to her to explain why you seem uninterested and distant especially if she's the one to break it up to you. And with that way you also give her the time to sort out her feelings instead of that push-pull plan.
Don't tolerate such behavior of her. She is confused and at the same time is trying to play the mind games. She eants to see you going crazy with the push-pull so she will have a gauge that you are still in love with her. It's a trap.
Only acknowledge her if she has a firmer ground as to when you will really do the catching up.
Or you could also do what DARA suggests to ask her to cut it off for a while and you need some space for yourself.
Whatever you feel lime doing, good luck!
David,
Hey. I made a long comment on here but it said COMMENT WAITING FOR MODERATION something like that. I guess i have placed a wrong email, i hope it gets approved and posted soon because that is long and i cannot remember what i adviced there. Sorry :(
Guys. Sorry but i messed up. I think i still have feelings for my ex.
Earlier i tried to delete our photos. But i can't. It made me miss her and sad. I thought i can do it because its been 3mos and a half. I also said goodbye already and she is also seeing someone else.
I cant shake this feeling. I let out a few tears also. And now im calm and trying to be okay. Im thinking about contacting her again. Although maybe im just thinking like this for now.
Life. When you think you got a grip. It slaps you in the face to tell you that you are wrong.
Daniel,
Hey! Of course you still have feelings for your ex. I think the wrong move you've done is you are not yet fully moved on then you 'deleted' which ended up checking your photos. You should not have done that this early I guess because of course the feelings will come rushing back.
Anyway, don't make any further move yet. Allow your self to rest for a day and rethink or reevaluate your feelings because it is hard to distinguish the feeling of you missing her or loving her.
Daniel,
Was it you who said when doing NC also look for sites to see how to handle breakups? In short, they say don't delete pictures! I also believe in it! Don't delete those pictures! Simply don't look at them for 5-6 months! After 5-6 months, you when you see them they will be just a memory of your old days. When you are really moved on which might take 5-6 months, those pictures will be simply a memory of a span of your life!
So my suggestion is if those pictures are on Facebook, simple don't go to album sections or don't use Facebook for a month or two! Good luck buddy!!
Thanks guys. I guess its really a wrong move. I know i can always find comfort here. How are you guys? Getting better? Have you got back with your ex yet? Goodluck brothers!
Daniel,
Thanks! I am doing really good! I am trying to move on! It means I have to find a girlfriend! Well, I am busy search for a girl good enough for a relationship! ha ha ha... I hoped to talk to someone by this weekend but I think I have to wait for the next week!
Today, I saw my ex in the gym! I was unbelievable to me because at summer she preferred running in her favorite park rather than on trade mile! Maybe I change my mind if she explicitly come and talk to me if I am still single otherwise I prefer a new girlfriend! ha ha ha...
Daniel,
Yes, it is really a wrong move haha. I hope you did not act on it. If ever you are feeling some kind of mood swing of sudde ly wanting her, don't act on it. Wait for hours to evaluate if that is what you really feel because emotions are just temporary no matter how loud they appeal to you.
And about me, just like Dara, I am moving on haha. My ex no longer gives me any chance she wants to be friends and most of the time she initiates the contact and sometimes i dont reply simply necause, what for?! Haha. But as Dara said, there are still lots of flavors we should be tasting. Haha!
Goodluck, bro! I hope you have sorted out your feelings.
Hi Kevin, so I just broke up with my girlfriend due to some trust issues and some issues that has been build up during our relationship, I am a 20 yrs old male, she's also 20, we argued today which led to a seperation, when she said she doesn't want to be with me, I ask her if she still loves me, she said yes, but she just can't do this with me anymore, and saying we shouldn't date. so there's nothing much I could do, so I leave, since I still want to get her back of course, but she still have all her stuff at my place, so during the no contact period, if she contacts me and ask me for her stuff, should I just ignore her until the 30days or just give her back her stuff whenever she ask?
Give her back the stuff. But don't talk about the relationship or the breakup when you meet her.
Well, I give up. I figure it had been about 2 weeks since I sent the last message (or since I had last seen her). I had already done over a month NC, followed by a few weeks of NC after our friends' wedding. Sent her the magic letter, she didn't respond. Sent her one of the text messages in the format Kevin suggested, she didn't respond. Waited for a couple of weeks, sent her another text in the form requested by Kevin, she didn't respond. I'm really mad now and I know I still care but I guess she just wants to forget about me. So I'm signing out. Thanks for the help everyone, especially Kevin.
Festival David here :)
Theres not really a whole lot I can here because like you said seems she just wants to forget you, especially as no reply to any of it.
Dont be angry, just think of it as dodging the bullet,
You have reached out and done what you can...the rest is upto her and she doesnt want it
You can now try and move on and meet the hundreds of other people out there.
Wish you all the best :)
David,
Hey! I think it is clear that it already ended. Maybe it's her final decision because I think if she somehow wants you a bit then she will somehow respond to tell you she is still on the other end.
Anyway, I suggest you do NC this time but not for her but for yourself so you can move on.
You've done your part to want her back, if she wants you then let her come after you. If she doesn't, then fine. It is hard but it'll be hrder if you stick around.
Goodluck!
Well, I did no contact for me. It helped a lot, for me to think about how I acted. Helped me learn about relationships and everything. I also made some changes to my personality so that I can just have more fun wherever I go.
I guess I was wrong. She did respond, just really late. And I know why it was late. Because she messed up in her message. She said at the beginning of it something like "Ok yeah how about I tell him..." So she was asking someone what to tell me, and she must have copied and pasted her message and forgotten to delete the top part of it. She said she wants to be friends, but not yet. She said we shouldn't text each other for a while to make sure we both have enough space to move on. Well how am I supposed to believe that when she was asking someone what to say? How do I know what she's actually feeling? I didn't want to wait until she moves on. Move past the breakup, sure, but not move on from me.
I wanna respond and say these things. Just say "Since you obviously asked someone else what to say, is this actually how you feel? Do you want to move on? Do you even want to be friends in the future? I've spent my last 2 months + moving on from the breakup, and I was ready to talk now. If you aren't, that's fine, I can wait. But we do need to be alright being around each other, since we have so many mutual friends. I don't want to compete with you for my friends; that isn't fair to me." Something like that. It's probably a bad idea. I don't even know if she realizes she messed up when sending the message yet. But whatever. Whatever anyone says, I'm really mad at the way she has handled the whole situation. It was disrespectful to me and immature. I realize me being mad about this means I still have feelings for her. Of course I do. I don't feel like I've dodged a bullet; I feel like it hit me right in the heart. Thanks for the support and advice.
Hi everyone! and I wish Kevin was here cos really this is a weird message and need professional advice but I would appreciate anyone's input too :)
Well, I met this man before I met my ex and he was bit forward with me telling me how 'beautiful' I am that when he saw me his jaws dropped stuff like that but him and I are both writers so he was just a mate. One day on FB he commented on my pic and went bit too far I thought it was disrespectful especially that my family commented too and could see his comment so I didn't want to hurt his feelings I PM him saying that I come from a traditional background that I appreciate his attraction towards me but I have to unfriend him because of my circle of ppl they may misinterpret our convo and think there's something going on with him etc... I was NEVER interested in this guy more than very platonic friendship. Today, out of nowhere he emails me that one of my comments to him was so inspirational that he stopped drinking, moved to another city, got himself a certificate and opened up a business, that he's been sober and life is treating him well since and wanted me to look over some of his writing (which is fine), he was subtle with me in the email but he bombarded me with few of them all at once and mentioned my looks again. I had COMPLETELY forgotten about him and his existence lol and though I was happy to hear that I've inspired him to straighten out his life (I hope to do that to myself one day hahaha)... I don't want him to think that I'll reply to his emails and lead him on... I WAS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE INTERESTED IN HIM as a partner... Anyway, I don't know how to maintain a friendship with him without giving him false hope and how do I turn him down gently should he start with 'you're beautiful' talk again ... ANYWAY, where my ex comes into this well... this is why I need good advice... question:
Should I involve my ex in this story? Tell him about this guy that I had completely forgotten about like he didn't exist and then he appeared in my life saying I inspired him to fix his life and use my 'ex' as a 'friend' to confide in him in this matter? Would that make my ex little jealous (I know he'll get jealous but will it ruin everything between us) or will my ex think less of me (but I've done nothing wrong, I only spoke to this guy in a meeting once or twice in my lifetime then the fb happened and I unfriended him)... So what I need to know is, Is this story with this guy a GOOD thing to get closer to my ex and make him believe that I'm comfortable enough to share with him and confide in him in these matters? Shoudl I mention to my ex that this guy is young and seems to be doing great for himself but I'm not interested anyway? Guys, how would that make you feel? And btw, I am genuine that I need some advice in this matter and can't talk to my family about it... seriously, my ex is the only one I can talk like this to... What do you guys think?
Hi Rihanna,
As a guy, I wouldnt think you should tell him about the story, definitely not to try and make him jealous. I think me personally it would push me away. I mean I know it would do me, coz Im one of those ppl that would just think "Well if your trying to make me jealous etc...go ahead go do it"..My down fall coz I know I would then regret it if you did it!! haha Im a funny old one! :(
But I wouldnt think there is any point in telling your ex about this, especially if your never interested in the guy at all. I think of it kind of like when Kevin says "Make sure you have something new in your life"...
If you tell you ex or ask for advice about this guy and your not interested at all...whats the benefit to it? YOur ex could pull away further from you and you dont have another guy that you like....However if you DID like this other guy...then i think it would be good to subtly hint to your ex...that way if he makes a move for you, you win...if he doesnt, then youve got another guy lined up that you actually like
As for how to let the guy down gently...Men I find just dont get the hint from women a lot of the time. If you try to let him down too gently...he will completely bypass and not even realise that you are letting him down gently! haha and will just pursue.
I think you simply say something like "its good to hear how you are doing etc and glad I could be of help etc,but I dont think I will be coming down as I dont want to give you the wrong impression and im just not interested in that way"
Your not been nasty to him and your bluntly letting himknow
My 2cents anyways :) x
Rihanna,
I agree with David! If you confide with your ex, you are showing him that he is the ultimate and you are kind of in need of him, and there is no other guy that can take you away from him.
Why don't you use this chance to hangout with this guy? Even though you may not be attracted to him but he will help you make this NC much easier! I promise you! Later, you can tell him that you thought about it but maybe you are not going to end up together! If your ex come to know about it, he will understand that there are men out who will be pleased to have you if he hesitates. But ideally don't talk about it.
OMG what was I thinking? I didn't want to make him jealous I seriously needed advice and he's the type who wants to know EVERYTHING and because we're not together anymore I wasn't sure whether to tell or not but now I know... Thank you Dara and David for your advice and for telling me how to handle this guy the proper way... Big love to you both :)
Rihanna,
I agree with Davide and Dara. If I were your ex and you tell me that thing, I might pull away from you because that's what I did when my ex told me such thing.
I find it insensitive if you are going to tell me that considering I still have feelings for you. Because that is how I reacted to my ex. Now, she's initiating the contact and I ignore her because I got pissed I was like, so what if you are meeting someone else. It hurts and not the type of hurt to make me jealous and run after you but the type of hurt that makes me wanna dump you (tho im the dumpee lol)
Just like what they said, if you don't feel anything more than platonic friendship with that guy then don't mention it to your ex because you will be losing both.
I know it is selfish but you dpn't owe any explanation to your ex on what's happening in your life.
So basically me and my ex broke up almost 5 months ago in February. During that time I went 2 months no contact and that ended recently about a couple weeks ago. We have been out a couple times since then. Unfortunately an incident happened about a few days ago where we had too much to drink and almost had sex but it didn't happen. We met up at dinner last night to discuss it and he basically told me he wants to focus on the current girl he is dating and only wants a platonic friendship with me. I basically told him I still had feelings for him but he basically said he doesn't want to revisit the past with me and wants to focus on this new girl he really likes. I am totally lost in what to do now! I still love him very much and want to get back with him. I am dating other people and trying to move on but he is still on my mind. I was so confused how this new girl came into the picture because he broke up with me to focus on himself. Please help me! He's 26 I'm 25 and we dated for 8 months.
Hi Mimi,
The thing is, he is over you but you are not. I would suggest that you tell him that you cannot be friends with him because you still love him and need space to get over him. This is for your own good because, how would you feel if he brought her along to dinner or something? You would feel miserable watching them together. I know you still have feelings for him, but if you are not truly ready for this friendship, you will get hurt. The sooner you tell him to choose the sooner you can focus on you again. You're not ready to be just friends with him yet, let him know. I know you might get a little sadden by this, but it's reality and you have to really accept breakup. I am sure that one day you will find happiness. You deserve better, not just someone to hold on to.
You are right. I just felt like I had a chance because before the episode where we almost had sex he was telling me about how we still have a connection and I'm the only ex he didn't cut off after the relationship, so I thought there was hope but after last night I guess I do need to move on though it will be very hard.
I agree with Edward. If it has been 5 months, the new girl is unlikely to be a rebound. It is best to cut off ties completely so you can move on and be yourself again, and if a friendship is meant to happen, it can happen when you no longer have feelings for him. The best gauge of that is if you feel fine that he has a new girlfriend. That is when it would be safe to reach out and be friends again.
I am in the same boat right now in that I need to move on and cut off ties, not have a friendship that is lopsided, and one in which does not make me feel good because I want more than he is willing to offer me (though he isn't seeing anyone right now.. I think.. if he was, I would be devastated. That alone is enough for me to know I am not ready to be just friends with him)
Hi All,
Festival David here...so you dont get confused :)
Thought I'd give a quick update I think its a good one!
So My ex went to the festival etc, On the 2nd to last day before it ended (sturday) I sent her a text just telling her to go see 2 bands that I like and how jealous I am....wasnt expecting a reply, I got a reply basically saying shes having fun and doesnt have much battery on her phone, 2-3 more texts later and it she just sent me a text just with "Xxxx"...that was the convo over...not a bad ending I dont think :)
The festival ended on Monday (day she was heading back) in the morning, I got just a random txt about how her friend snores (early hours) and then that was the end of the convo as she was travelling back.
Anyways...she got back late last night and sent me a message on facebook letting me know shes back etc...She asked how I was etc and if ive been upto much etc and within the first 5 minutes she messaged me and said "fancy catching up this week?" ...I was already replying to the previous message she had sent which was just general chat so didnt see the proposal until after I had already pressed send!
......she seemed quite eager to get an answer coz after she had read my reply which wasnt anything to do with the meeting she then said "So is that a yes or no then? lol"
So yeah...I agreed obviously! now that I had seen the message ha and we going to meet on Friday hopefully, shes out on the sat day/night with her work getting drunk.
My plan atm is just to have some chinese meal and maybe a bottle of wine to share or something basic like that
So I think!! and Hope this is good progress! Im hoping she dont want a catch up to tell me some bad news! ha x
Festival David! it's all festive on your end, HIGH FIVE! yipppiiiiii.... You have to dress to impress but not make it obvious and be confident! Confidence is everything you need to be around her and omg, I'm so happy for you I have a big smile on my face right now, I feel like opening a bottle of wine myself... I doubt it's for bad news I think she wants to test her feelings for you and this other snoring guy but with you oozing confidence and charm it's 'move over snore-guy, hello David!" Good luck, can't wait to read more of your progress :D
Thank you Rihanna!
I soo hopeits good news too! I mean I know she said she wanted to be friends etc but you wouldnt do this sort of stuff with an ex whether you wanted only friends or not would you?
Ha, Btw whos this other guy? :)....As far as I know my ex hasnt been dating or seeing anyone else...I hope not! haha, the only thing if anything iM aware of, is when she was changing her profile picture and guys were commenting on it.
But thats it I hope and think :)
We shall have to wait and see until Weekend!. Im excited for it, thats good coz im trying not to read into anything at the moment, even if she starts talking to me before Friday.
Since Friday is what matters at the moment :)
Thanks x
lol I just assumed she's with a guy cos she went to a festival hahahaha... But even better, I have high hopes for you two OMG I'm so happyyyyyyy... Wear something she complimented you on or buy something new that she finds sexy on you... You have to let us know and keep us posted lol... I wish I could see my ex boohoo... but all in good time for now, this is about your night and I hope it all goes GREAT! :)
Haha, She probably did meet lots of guys there :)
Hopefully none that she liked or is still talking to haha
Im in two minds on what to wear, I bought a denim shirt few weeks ago (when she was supposed to be coming out) but she never did and she said it looked good on me
So dunno whether to wear that.....Or buy something new for her :)
Im very happy myself Rihanna, hopefully with you and a.z been a girl it helps me a lot haha.
Ill definitely let you know what happens ha. Everyone seems to think well get back together except me haha, I hope for once Im proven wrong haha ;)
x
Urgh, Spoke too soon!
She just emailed me an hour ago asking to re-arrange to tonight as she is out the next day and so she wants to "prep" for it!...
I cant do the meal tonight as I got plans, so i told her I cant, then she said "maybe some other time this week then"
So Ive just said "Oki Doki"....that pretty much blows my plans out the window, since at max it will only be a quick meal and nothing special about it!.....Oh well
I said Ill let her know...probably do Thursday or Tomorrow...we'll see x
Hey David, look at the upside :) She didn't cancel... she didn't postpone it til next month in face, she wanted to see you SOONER! and THAT night yippiiiii... Plus I like that you said you had plans cos you didn't avail yourself immediately to her so well done! I'm so happy for you and please keep us posted... Good luck!
Well in short Rihanna...We aint meeting now :(
I dont understand it at all,
Basically After I emailed saying I would let her know, A couple of hours later when I got home (about 5 hours passed) I sent a txt saying "How about tomorrow, 7pm?"
She replied saying "Why cant we do it straight after tea" and I said simply which is the truth, that I wont be hungry straight after work at 5:30pm.
So she said "Well you have your tea when you get in down you?....Dont matter then lol"
So basically the meeting is off as far as I know and neither of us has txt each other since.
I get the impression that she doesnt want to see me in a "date" way aka at night time...she wanted to see me straight after work when we in work clothes....which is also why I think she cancelled on Friday because, thats a weekend/night time thing and she wants to keep it strictly as friends?...I mean the meal would of onyl been 2 hours max on a Friday...so not sure why she needs to go bed "early" to prepare for next day drinking/night out
Bit stuck on this one tbh....it was HER idea!..thats what I dont quite get...why INITIATE contact and plans and then so easily cancel them? lol
David, I'm laughing so much at what you told her I had to go to the toilet twice! I'm still laughing now hahaha... I love your honesty about food but you could've used that time to meet up and see what she wants instead of saying your truth "I won't be hungry at 5:30" hahahaha... it seems to me like you and her are in a competition like in one of Kevin's letters... someone either you or her need to step down and allow a meeting to happen just so you both know where this is going... But "I won't be hungry at 5:30" is definitely GOLD!
Hey guys, what do you think of this?
He still hasn't contacted me over the past 1.5 weeks, and I am not going to contact him. I am just trying to move on with my life.. but I have to admit I keep hoping he will contact me still. :/
Hey Ruth,
At first, it was really hard for me not to keep looking at my ex's FB, even though she never updates anything. The fact that she was online just bothered me and made me wonder what she was doing all the time. You have the right mindset of approaching your situation, which is to avoid contacting him and to focus on yourself. This is the start of NC, even though we still have feelings for our ex's you should still be able to get over the sadness. I was also sad before, waiting for a reply or waiting for my ex to talk to me first. Once you realize that you can let go, you'll start seeing that you can attract the things you want. The memories and pain will always be there, but so are the happy moments you two used to have. Cherish these moments and improve yourself, try to be happy. When I took my mind off of thinking my ex all the time, I felt more free, independent and happy. Soon, she started contacting me, which made me even happier, but even if she didn't I was still happy. Always be happy haha (:
Hi guys and girls
Great to read all your comments and it seems everyone is doing so well :) So I reached 30 days NC last Thursday, felt like I was in good space so decided to end it with a hand written letter. Since my Ex had moved back in with her parents I decided to deliver it while I knew she was at work. Her parents were home when I went around and they invited me in for a coffee and I ended up having a hour long chat with them.
They told me they were very upset when they found out their daughter had broken up with me as they believed that we were going to get married and they had never seen their daughter so happy as when she was with me. They put the reason of the breakup down to my Ex having commitment issues. Both of her older sisters were career women until they got married, then once they got married they both were pregnant within the first year of marriage and are now stay at home mums. Her oldest sister hasn't worked in 7 years looking after her kids. Apparently that freaks my Ex out as she has just started a new career and doesn't want to lose it all (she just turned 30 too).
Her parents also said they are a little concern for her as it is nearly 2 months since the break up and she has thrown herself into her work and is so driven that she will bring stuff home and work until 10pm most nights. She barely goes out and has little social life. They did mention the party she held at their house couple of weeks ago, but that seems to be the rare not the normal. At least there is no other boyfriend on the scene and she hasn't even been dating.
She has also stopped going to the gym, something she use to be very passionate about. While we were talking one of my Ex's sister showed up and even she was supportive saying that she wanted to slap some sense into my Ex when she found out about the breakup. When I left they were all like "I hope to see you again" and "we want you guys to get back together". It was very encouraging.
However 4 days have now past since delivering the letter and I have heard nothing, not really sure what I should do. As other then 1 text message about 5 weeks ago I literally haven't heard a word from my Ex since the day we broke up in early May. Do I go back to No Contact? or maybe send her a text questioning if she read the letter? How best do I proceed? Any help much appreciated
Hi Steve, your ex is having some issues with herself than anything to do with you, it seems. She's taking time off from everything including you to figure out her life and perhaps hitting 30 is also freaking her out. She's thinking differently because of her age as well, that in her 30s she'll have to have kids if she wants a family but wants a career and achieve something great so she's working ALL the time to achieve things... I think your ex is just panicking about life in general. So, right now she needs someone to confide in rather than a boyfriend because having a relationship is hard work and she broke up with you to put her 100% into her career cos she's afraid of something (don't know what). It's great that you did the letter before texting well done, I think now wait a week or 2 giving her some space and time to think and if she doesn't answer then text. I think it's great that you and her family get along and perhaps keep in touch with them to show her that even without her, you still love and respect her family. You have a great chance of getting her back cos she's just bit confused about her life and hopefully her confusion won't last and will lead her back to you. I hope Kevin gets back soon to give his advice, his techniques work best... Congrats on finishing NC and all the best :)
I say give her another week, and then send her a text in the way suggested by Kevin. See if she responds. If not, give her another week or two and try again. If she doesn't respond to that, then I think you will need to just move on.
Hi Steve,
It's great to hear that you've finished NC and delivered the letter. If she hasn't heard from you nor replied to you, I think you can send the text now. You've been gone for long enough so go ahead and see how she's doing. While having a conversation with her, I would be friendly and nice. Don't talk about any relationships, just talk casual and try to be friends. You can ask her to hangout sometime whenever she's free. Don't mention anything about the letter or meeting with her parents. Just pretend you just met up with an old friend and you just want to see how they've been and what they are up to. If she talks about her parents and the letter, let her. You want to talk about her goals and your goals. Good luck, you have a chance (:
Hi Steve,
I see 3 different opinions here and mine is 4th one. So you better wait for Kevin to advise you.
To my understanding your condition is really good. You both need some time and space. Its really good that her family is supporting you. Now it depends on her personality but I am sure that every human gets influenced by others opinions.
To my perception, it was 30 days of NC for you but since she involved herself so hard to kill time, she probably sensed this time span less than you. Also, probably she did not think much about the your relationship. I believe no one can work for months till 10 p.m. and one day she will give up working so hard. The fatigue will probably make her long for old good days. That is the best timing for you.
If you guys have ever talked about marriage, I believe there were vagues points that has annoyed her. Maybe you should mention her that not only you don't have no problem in with her job but also you would appreciate it. Personally, I love independent career women.
My conclusion is that your NC can be one month or even longer. Depending on her. You can meet her family but not too often. She should not know everything about your life and become curious to know it from you. One thing I know from female mentality is that even though they share their personal life with other friends but they don't like it if a man does it. So even if you meet her family, just treat them as your friends but not the family of your ex.
Lets see what Kevin says.
Good luck my friend!
P.S: In short, don't use her family to get her back. If you meet them (again as friends), don't talk about the relationship and how hard it was for you to do NC. Truly it shows you as a needy person. Just show them that you are a happy person without her!
Thanks for all the advice everyone.
It seems the general consensus is to give a week at least before reaching out again. By that time Kevin should be back. I agree with what Dara said about NC being a long time for me, which it was, but was probably a less time span for my Ex. Her parents made a similar comment that they felt the last couple of months had flown by since the breakup.
I also was very supportive of her career, which she was aware of and even a week before the breakup she told me how glad she was that I was in her corner. But obviously it got too much and it was the primary reason she gave for the breakup at the time. However I reinforced my support for her career in the letter I wrote
Interesting enough in Relationship Rewind, where Ryan talks about writing the hand written letter he mentions that when the breakup happens it can cause extreme distance between you, especially if there was a lot of time spent in the bliss stage and how the former partner can go out of their way to maintain the distance as a way of dealing with their own emotions. Ryan mentions in this case, it’s likely that you’re not getting responses from your text messages or calls even in an indifferent or semi-friendly way.
He then goes on to mention the letter as a last resort method to change the situation to show you are willing to fight for what you had, however at the end of the day if your Ex is not willing to put in the effort, it will be over. I may be wrong, but I just felt he hit the nail on the head in my own situation with what he was talking about here.
Hi guys, I need some help. So about 4 ½ months ago I broke up with my GF of 7 years. A month and a half later I came back and told her I loved her and made all the mistakes but our talks went really well. She was still in pain and clearly missed me. She said she wasn’t saying no but that she needed time to figure it out. We did NC for about a month and a half and when I tried to contact her with a message of a happy memory she responded hours later very cold. A little under two weeks after I tried again but she was very cold again. A mutual friend just talked to her because we both thought she should tell me an answer so I could move on if needed. My X does not know we talked but her response was “IDK it’s weird I feel totally done with it”. I’m going to let it go but don’t want to be in her back pocket and a part of me will always hope. But I am going to do a 2 month NC and contact her to be friends and maybe something will happen. Can she really be over me already, we had a lot together? And do you think I have a shot at that point still. Like I said I will move on but I guess I would like to at least give it a shot if I still want to at that point. Do you think there is still a chance? And should I send her something saying I am done waiting and moving on?
Thanks!
I think you should try and contact her after the 2 months NC otherwise you might regret it always wondering what would have happend if you did
Hey Jeff,
I don't think that her she would forget you that easily over these couple of months especially if your relationship was any serious and lasted 7 years. I think you've handling your situation correctly about applying NC and moving on. I would send her a final email (or more effectively with a handwritten letter) telling her about your true feelings and apology of the mistakes you did. Let her know that you still care and love her and understood that she needed space. Tell her that you will always cherish your memories with her, that you have learned from your mistakes of the past relationship and accepted breakup, tell her that you were grateful of being with together with her. Respect her decision of moving on. Remember to include your most memorable experiences with her. This may be the last time you are going to contact her, so make it count. Whatever she does with this letter/email is up to her, there's nothing else you can do. There will only be another chance if she still loves you or wants to get back with you in the future. From now on, use your time to find happiness in yourself (it's good if you have already). Good luck, I know one day you'll find it and love always comes back.
Hi Jeff,
I agree with Edward she can't be over you within months after having been in a serious relationship for 7 years especially that YOU did the breakup. I think she's playing hard to get (and rightfully so) so in your case you need to show extra effort in getting her back. Since you did the 'breaking up' you need to do the 'chasing' and show her not just attention but more importantly your affection, your care and love... because she may feel you broke up because there's no love anymore and you need to prove otherwise to her if you still love her. I think you have a good chance with her so Good luck!
After you have been dumped and you finally come out on the other side and start to feel better, it is hard to look back. I have had that happen to me several times in the past when my ex would contact me later and want to get back together, but by that point, the extreme pain and attachment has subsided and I can think more clearly and know it is not a good fit and it's the negative things in the relationship that keep me away. It doesn't mean I am 100% over it though (and I doubt your ex is either), but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel better by this point. The only way I would have gone back (maybe) is if my ex was very sincere and heartfelt in acknowledging the bad stuff, told me how much he cared about me, and wanting to work it out together. It depends what were the issues in your relationship and if she sees they are things that can be worked out.
That said, the reason I am having trouble letting go of my current ex is because we did not have anything major or negative, and I really saw a long term future with him because of how compatible we were in every way (and where we were not compatible, we complemented each other). The major issue I would say is that we would need to work on our communication, but that is something that is very fixable. With all my other exes, I would not want to return to them because of the issues and incompatibility.
I forgot to mention that if you want her back, you can try a heartfelt letter. If she doesn't respond, and you have already tried the texts, might be best to give it a few more months and you can try to be friends. I find that after a lot of time has passed, I am able to become friends with my exes (but oftentimes, I don't really care to.. not because of any resentment but because I just don't feel anything anymore and feel neutral about them). If you do want to be just friends, just give it some time till she gets to this point of being 100% over you.
Thank you all. Are real issue was communication which was one of the things I have told her I want to change and have changed. I was closed (it wasn't always like that) and I have my reasons for that. We had other more minor issues which can be solved if we work together on them, which I also told her I am changing and will always work on. Other then that we got along great and were a really good match. I will send her a letter and see what happens :) Again thank you all for your help. You guys have helped me through this over the past few months even though I do not comment often.
Well its been 4 months and I have failed miserably at no contact, difficult when we have kids and also she was sending me mixed signals, in the last 4 months we have kissed once, we held hands, we hugged everyday, spent a weekend away together, she complemented me on my body, clothes etc, 4 weeks ago we had sex! but in the last 3 weeks she has started seeing someone, I hope its a rebound, completely opposite to me, 25yrs old, she is 36yrs old, she has 3 kids whereas he has none, just doesnt make sense, so for the last week we have fallen out like cats and dogs, so last night I just swallowed my pride and initiated no contact barring the kids because I will always be there for them. I have begged and kept talking about us but she is still angry at me (I hurt her trust last sept) so there is no chance of her getting back with me whilst she is angry, i'm hoping i'm doing the right thing, my gut is telling me that she wants us back again but In cant see it at the moment, what do you think?
Steffan,
It doesn't make sense to me either. So I believe its a rebound. Keep calm and show her that you are in control of the situation. I think she wants to take revenge. Apply NC till she is completely chilled down.
Hey steffan,
First off are the kids yours? IF they are, you are responsible, if not, change the LC to NC and I don't think you are responsible to take care of them.
While she is anger with you, she still loves you that much. By applying LC, (I say LC because if they are your kids, it's impossible to avoid them) you will not only be giving her space and time for her but also yourself. You will find that you don't need her and that happiness comes from within. You still have a chance and I do believe that he is a rebound. Start limited contact now and remember to keep it until you have stabilized your emotions. That means when she tries to contact you or not, you will always feel the same, always feel happy. Only when you have reached this state of happiness without her, you can decide whether getting back together is a good idea. It will be hard during LC, but you can't show anymore signs of neediness. We are all here to help you, good luck on LC and stay strong. If you have to see your kids, I think that you shouldn't contact her and let her make the contact. During LC, you can still see your children because I think it's part of your responsibility to take care of them as well, but focus on THEM and remember to stay happy, no bringing up past relationship, and no signs of neediness. Also remember, if they are not your kids, apply NC and this will work. I'm not entirely sure how to handle your situation if they are your kids, but you're listening to a person who is happy with their life (: good luck.
Hey thanks guys, 2 are my step kids and the other is mine, really difficult situation!!
Ive been needy and desperate for months but since I have started to get on with life we both have argued like cats and dogs, its like she is losing her grip with me, she seems to blame for everything thats happening in her life right now, from what I can see I think this fling has already gone messy hence her frustration with me.
She is doing things right now which is so out of character for her, I knew her for 12 years before we got together so I'm well placed to know her character. I dont know if its attention or revenge, I suspect its both.
Found out that my ex has a new bf already after she told me that she wants to be free and all. Well thats bs and surprisingly. Im not affected. Im happy but just a bit disappointed. Overall it's good. :)
All thanks to this site. Idk id it's a rebound coz its only been
3mos +. Nevertheless i dont give a big deal about it. :)
Daniel, it's great to hear how you are managing your situation. If my ex decides to go with the other guy, I would do the same. I would continue to be happy with my life. Good luck in your future relationships.
Hey Daniel,
Its great to hear that you are not much affected! I love that attitude! Its probably because you have done this NC, the way you should have done it. Yeah! Many thanks to this site! I also believe it helped me regain my mental health faster than I thought of!
Good luck Daniel!
Hi guys, hope Kevin is here.
Long story short, we've been fighting for around an year. Its my 45th day of no contact.
She was added in my fb account but I used to stalk her I found out she was talking to her ex and k logged in to her gmail and changed her fb password so that she changes it later and unfriended her. I have begged so much litteraly too much. I will be off to another city so I wanna talk to her and try out things but I am not sure what text and where to send it.
Should I send a message along with a friend request and ask her to accept it if she likes or simply a request and message ?
Or should I use WhatsApp ?
What should I text ? Like
'Hey, I am in the city for a few days, I will be near your place tomorrow so could you visit me ?'
Or 'I will be joining college in a couple of days what if we meet?'
Or something else ?
I will be leaving on 3rd pls help me.
Hey anon, you should probably say something casual, "hey I'll be in the city for a few days, was wondering if you have any plans for lunch". Your first and second texts sound creepy lol. Good luck!
Anon, I agree with Edward (again lol) please do NOT send those texts to her cos I felt uneasy when I read them. If you've been in some sort of contact then Edward's message is great but if this is your first contact after NC I suggest the message should be more cheerful, surprising and something that will grab her attention and makes her WANT to see you rather than 'oh he's in town might as well catch up'... So, something like 'OMG you'll never guess where I am! I just arrived in the city and first thing I do is come to the cafe where you and I (something) ... Remember the waiter who slipped and almost fell, poor guy we laughed so much, we're so bad hahaha... I'll be here for few days what you up to?" This message comes off as 'surprising' to both her and YOU cos it's like you weren't sure whether to 'text' or not 'yet' but this event at the cafe reminded you so much of that fun time that you felt the need to contact her and share a HAPPY memory. Also, make sure you use the term "remember when...' in your text, that'll cheer her up for sure... Just my opinion, so good luck!
Hello everyone! Pls help. Today I feel a bit crappy. This wknd my ex and I were texting often. He keeps contacting me about how much he misses my daughter. He raised her since she was 1. Now shes 4. Its an ongoing thing. After numerous texting I decided to allow him to take the father role. My daughter is crazy over him. He kept saying that when a new man comes into my life, he'll probably have problems with this. Ok.. next day, the same thing. He says he's having a hard time dealing with this. I began to suspect that he's contacting me to get my attention. I was getting a bit upset with the whole thing so I texted what I felt. He's either in it for good or not... he responded that he couldn't believe I thought that way and that he loved me Idk... so I broke our rule. I totally did what kevin said not to. I told him that if he loved me why not take baby steps to work things out. He said that he was only texting bc of my daughter, and that the damage in our relationship was done (for something I said) I of course was crushed bc here Then I ended with a 'i need a bit of space' here I am doing my thing and here he is killing my vibe. I feel stupid. In a few days he agreed to help me shop for a new car. Was I overreacting? Im planning on giving him NC until he calls and I wont mention of getting back together again. The seed has been planted. Do you agree?
Hey, don't talk about your old relationship unless you two are closer. If you want to get back with him, you have stay strong and happy. After attracting him back and you two are closer, more than just friends then you can start to talk about problems you two had and how to fix it. You might have overreacted because of mentioning the old relationship, but it is ok, I would follow your plan, good luck! We are here for you (: stay happy.
I am bit confused :( ... we texted and then we spoke on the phone for an hour just laughing and reminiscing great time we had which was sad in part for me but kept a happy cheerful tone and I even sang for him lol... But during the conversation I got mixed messages like: "I don't think it's appropriate for me to come visit your family cos we can't tell them 'now we're friends' it weird ... But I'll come to your town and you can get away for a few days to spend them with me..." UMMM! I don't think 'that's' appropriate! what will I tell my family, my ex is in town see you in a few days? I don't think so lol... and then he said, you can't come here because there's no place for you to stay (accommodation wise) otherwise we can rent a place for a few days, like 3 days etc... UMMM! different to what I heard last time when he said 'of course come over and leave everything to me' ... Anyway, today he was like ' I can't promise you anything and you and I should've been just girlfriend and boyfriend like teenagers, actually we should've met at 17 that would've been great!" naturally I disagreed with him and told him the age we met is perfect cos we know what we want in life. Then, in times he was more positive like 'I'm determined to get my masters degree next year so that I can sustain love and that nobody wants to grow old alone..." so he's thinking about his future which is good I guess? Then he said, 'I've had tons of relationships before from all over the world but never did I feel the way I did with you, everything felt new like a first time with you etc...' so he loves me but can't be with me. Now I'm thinking, Is this "friendship" of ours healthy? I feel like he doesn't want to let go of me, although he asked if I'm in a relationship already, but he wants me but can't have me... I'm confused! Plus, he kept saying that I'm old hahahaha... And that made feel bit down cos he's right I'm too old to be back living with my mum :( ... Then he said he wants to work on a new project with me, he'll illustrate and I write etc... Is that really what he wants to do or is he doing that to keep an eye on me and keep me with him? He kept talking about reality and that he's in much pain and how life is teaching us a lesson and maybe things happened so that we do break up but then, he said only ONCE who knows about later...? then he said I don't want to promise anything and if I met someone he's not going to feel great and over the moon but he'll be happy that I'm happy... I'm confused! I think I'm stuck in 'friendzone' the place I put him in hahaha... Any thoughts peeps? Feeling down :(
btw, also he mentioned his previous ex (before me, he had 4 year relationship with) and said: "I even thought about my ex and at the end of the day I had to make a decision and end it cos it wasn't gonna work out or it wasn't working out etc..." WHY did he share that with me? Is he thinking of his ex now?
OMG I miss him so much my heart is sinking :( ... Thank you everyone for all your support... Big love to all xx
I see no problem here and I guess you're doing great, just be happy, and don't stress over things, just let it happen :)
Rihanna, it's great to hear that you were talking for 1 hr on the phone. You typically want to save your effort for face to face contact. Remember, happiness comes from within, you don't need him. You two are getting along well, but I hope that you don't miss him too much. Give him the chance to contact you. Be happy with and without him, accept what life has to offer and live it to the fullest, don't worry about the future, about how your family will meet him. The more positive your attitude the more stress free your life will be. Good luck!
Thank you Edward and Anon.
Edward, I agree with you and no I'm not missing so much but we talk on the phone for 1 hr cos we live in different states and we only talk once a week. He keeps saying we should do face to face cos "we didn't say goodbye properly"... What does that mean? he just wants to say goodbye properly and move on? I'm more concerned about my life and future to tell you the truth than I am about getting him back... How are things with you going? I hope there's something happy and positive on your end :)
Rihanna,
It's good to hear that your life and future are more important than getting him back. When he says we should meet face to face, I think it's a sign of him wanting to see you. Even though his reasoning is off, why would anyone want to meet you to say goodbye? Our lives are short, I would take this opportunity and meet up with him. You said yourself that you two feel this rare strong connection. Well, meeting up together will strengthen this bond even more, nothing has a better form of communication than face to face. I'm sure that you both miss each other, take this moment together to create new memories and to make better of this new relationship.
As for my ex, she's been initiating contact for 4 in a row now. Although they are short communications, I can tell that she is missing me. To be honest, I'm not worried about what she's doing or what she's up to anymore. I'm glad that the breakup experience had made me a better person. I'm still improving and I want to prove to myself that I can achieve my goals. I mean I still miss her and love her very much, but getting back together is definitely not my first priority anymore. So yeah, maybe she's trying to get back together with me, maybe she's not, but I'm not going to expect or wonder what's going to happen to the future. I am living this moment and I feel great, I've learned better to appreciate these things.
I wish you best of luck Rihanna, I know it's hard sometimes to think about your ex and what he's up to and what he means. Try not to expect so much, if it's meant to be, it will happen. When time is right, I'm sure love will find you.
Okay so tomorrow marks day 30 of no contact. I'm not sure whether to try to contact my ex or not. He dumped me and I have many unanswered questions. His behavior changed dramatically during/after our breakup to where he basically seems like he wants nothing to do with me. He moved to another state temporarily for work and began dating someone within days (he did not know her beforehand). I know we are going to bump into each other and I still have feelings for him and wish we would have talked in person but he chose to take the easy way and run. He instantly changed his facebook photo to one of him and her and it still throws me off how a person can do that after saying how much he loved me and would never leave, blah, blah, blah. Because of that my intuition tells me it's a rebound and will end most likely when he moves back home. It has been very vindictive and I have been the one dealing with it because the breakup obviously didn't bother him a bit. I am so confused as to what to do. I want to reach out but I don't want to seem needy especially because I'm the one that didn't do the dumping.
Whitney! Congratulations on finishing your NC, you should be proud of yourself that you've done the hardest part. I think your ex is still hurting but acting immature. His moving away/running away is a way not to face his issues and a lot of men, unfortunately, do that. His "girlfriend" is definitely a rebound especially that he didn't respect the time that should be given in a relationship before exposing her, obviously he doesn't care much about her feelings should things don't work out between them so he changed his profile not for her but for YOU (to see it). Don't worry about it. I know it's really hard not to talk about the breakup but I suggest that when you get in contact with him now, act positive and like you're not bothered at all by any of his past doings and tell him how 'great it is that he found someone that could make him happy'. Be very happy and remind him of the girl he fell in love with in your letter. If you're sending him a message make it very short and use your best time together to remind him of you. Be gentle and positive and happy, even if you really want to discuss breakup and be angry at him DON'T! Good luck and keep us posted... you'll do great :)
Thanks, Rihanna! It's been tough but I've been back in the gym and finally got to my goal. Would something like that be a good ice breaker? I started trying to work out again when he and I were together and set a goal for myself and he was supportive of that so maybe telling him "Hey! I finally met my goal weight :)" may be a good text? He always picked on me about that since I am far from being overweight but wanted to get back to my pageant days. I've been thinking what to say and am back to myself and probably more confident than ever. I've already made up my mind if/when I see him around town, I'm going to be my usual bubbly self and be the bigger person instead of doing avoidance and such.
Yes Whitney that text sounds awesome and you seem on the right track... and since you're looking best make sure you act your best as well, always happy and confident :) Let him fall in love all over again ;) good luck!
Hi Whitney,
I think you should apply NC a bit longer especially if you are feeling happy. I'm not sure if he is back or not, but it has to be his idea to get back if he wants you. You don't know if he's still in the rebound relationship or not, so there's no point in contacting him. However, since this is your 30th day of NC, I think you can send him a email or letter to show that you still care. Tell him in there that you are grateful of what you two had. Remind him of memorable moments and tell him why you enjoy spending time with him. You can include other things but keep it short and don't sound needy. I don't advise you to contact him to hangout because it will make your relationship that much stronger when he does decide to come back to you and you still love him. It has to be him sending you a text and his idea of getting back with you. If after the letter and he still doesn't respond to you, don't you think you deserve someone better?
I was in a similar situation, I believe she was in a rebound relationship, but since after I've sent her that letter and applied NC, she started to contact me. I think she is still in that relationship, but is still reaching out to me. I thought it was impossible because of her personality, but I guess I was wrong. If they really want to get back with you, they will try. Good luck Whitney, be yourself and stay happy.
Thanks, Edward! I have not done anything yet. I'm still not totally sure what to say in an email or short text. I've looked all over this sight but knowing him, I think he is too hardheaded to be affected by any memories or such. Definitely let me know if you have any suggestions especially from a male perspective. I don't think he's back yet and I don't want him to think I've been obsessing about the whole breakup. Yes, I definitely miss what we had and am very confused how a person can act like that, but I don't want to get hurt again and such. :)
Dear friends,
Its been a couple of days that I enjoy listening to this song: Bye Bye Bye - N'sync
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24W2i8N9pcA
I don't know what does it mean but I believe its a good sign. I hope all of you (especially those of you who are in my phase) will enjoy it!
Dara, I love this song from the 90s lol... Thanks for sharing and I hope you've been well :)
Rihanna,
I am doing great! I really feel good these days!! Today I was thinking that if my ex hadn't blocked me on her Facebook, I would have posted this song on her wall! LOL No, I wouldn't simply because its a bit impolite! ha ha ha...
I hope you are also doing great!!
hahaha... I love your spirit Dara, I hope some of your positiveness rubs on to me... Yes, that song is perfect for you to say 'bye bye' to your ex... On the other hand, I feel more sorry for my ex especially cos he's sick that I can't show my emotions like you... So what's next for you?
Rihanna,
Thank you so much. In fact, your story is different from mine. Your guy ended that relationship because he felt that he cannot handle himself and handling a relationship could be a tougher one.
For my case, probably she thought to herself that, "This guy is no more attractive. My friends will praise me more if I appear with someone more handsome in the public". Probably she underestimated my will power!
Hey dara! Whats the latest? Any progress? Your story is my favorite. I want to see you get her back and be happy. :)
Dara, On june 2nd you wrote me this: "I don't know why I want my ex back she wasn't the best gf ever and I found her really annoying in the last few months"... That's how you felt so what does that mean for you? If you changed your mind then go ahead and pursue her because you 'LOVE' her but NOT because you 'MISS' her... often we tend to chase something no matter how hurtful because of 'Loneliness' or 'fear of the unknown' ... I may be experiencing this myself, but go back to that message you sent me June 2nd and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who you think is 'annoying' and 'not so great' ... just a thought. You're an amazing guy and of course you can get your ex back no matter how slim your chances may seem at the moment... but this break is not about 'her', Extend NC and find out the answer for yourself! This is all about YOU! I really want what's best for you and see you really happy... Good luck :)
Daniel & Rihanna,
I'm really doing great these days especially after I finally saw her last Saturday. I didn't talk to her because its a part of the plan for someone at "Death Door"!
In short, she was no more that attractive girl of my imagination. It means this NC has helped me regain my mental logic. Yet, I still felt some kind of attraction towards her. I tended to know what is doing in these days.
Yes, she did not treat me well, but after reading Kevin's emails about female mentality, her behavior can be understood by me. She was in dilemma. In the last months, she would invite me to her house, we would have dinner together and I would expect sleeping together as we did in our good days. But, she would come up with something like this around 1 a.m., "You are confusing me. Sorry you have to go home. You have wasted my day". This was hurting me a lot. I kept thinking what did I do that made her say so for a week or so. Well, the right response to this kind of female behavior has been described in Kevin's emails and RR.
As I mentioned previously, when I met her first, I was 195 lbs (87 kg). She loved the way I look. However, I had really busy days and stopped going to gym. I gain weight when I am stressed up. So I ended up being 226 lbs (102 kg) in 5-6 months. She didn't like it. I believe to her physical appearance is very important. I could say that from the appearance of her ex boyfriends. I think she is of those kind of people to whom others words are really important. Probably she wanted to hear thing like, "Oh, your boyfriend is so handsome" from others.
As I said before, I knew that with that look it would be hard for me attract other girls too. I could feel that. I worked really hard on myself in last 3 months. 6 or 7 days per week in gym or swimming pool. My aim was not to gain muscles (I had enough) but to lose fat. Yesterday, I was 183 lbs (83 kg). I look handsome and attractive. There are few girls who pass by me and not have a glance in my eyes. I start a conversation with them if they do it too much. Yes, I have come to believe that there are a lot of better opportunities out.
About my ex, I will never forget how kind and loving she was when she was good with me. We also had same kind of mentality about the way we should spend our money. This made me think about her in long terms. She could have been!
Recently, I have seen a cheerful girl in the gym. She is one of those student staff. I believe we have developed some chemicals of attraction among us. I will probably see her again towards the end of this week and I want to invite her for lunch or dinner in my house next time I get a chance to talk to her. I hope she is single! LOL
Thank you Rihanna and Daniel. I really enjoyed being here and commenting with you guys. We'll talk more on our daily lives and feelings here!
Dara, it's great to hear that you've achieved so much happiness on your own. It's great to hear that you are in shape, I am working on that as well, good job! I wish you good luck to your future relationships, keep your mind open to others, stay happy.
Thank you Edward,
I believe the turning point was Saturday. On Saturday I felt like I am not attracted to her the way I used to be before. Yeah, on Saturday I realized that she hardly smiles. I also realized that if we breakup it should be her loss not mine.
Ed, work hard on yourself. I will not stop working hard on myself until I achieve something that's hard to achieve for many. Happiness should come from within me; not from a drug like my ex!
I don't think any of this no contact is working :( Seems like she's really trying to just forget about me and it feels like this time I'm giving her is just helping that. I don't know. But I've realized that the last few weeks I've just been really angry with her for how she is treating me.
She was my first girlfriend and we dated for 3 years. I made some big mistakes, and I just feel like I need another chance. It was only because I was inexperienced. that I made these mistakes. The worst part is that these mistakes made her fall out of love with me, and she didn't even seem to know why. So I think that she thinks that if she ever had feelings for me again they would just fade and she'd break my heart again. I really want to tell her I know the reasons why she lost feelings, as well as why I made these mistakes, but I bet she's too stubborn to listen.
The thing is, everyone said that if it's meant to be, you'll know. But I don't believe this. So many events had to happen for me to fall for her; it's just too coincidental. I honestly think it WAS meant to be, but I blew it. I really know that we are what's best for each other. She frequently talked about our wedding and children, and I had even picked out how I was going to propose to her. Everyone said we were a great couple!
I can't talk to her friends about this, and I have a lot of mutual friends with her. Not only will she hardly look at me when I'm around, it seems like she's trying to steal my friends. She's being so rude and mean, and it's made me disillusioned about what I had. Was this the girl I was dating, deep down, all along?
I wonder if anyone knows what's going on here. I'm so distraught that I get distracted everywhere, even at work. I don't know what to do next. I really want her back, but I feel that NC is helping her forget about me. Any ideas about why she is doing this, and what to do next?
Wow your situation sounds pretty similar to mine. In my case, I think some things went wrong because we were inexperienced and each other's firsts. I think those things just happen, and can't really be helped. A few weeks after my break up I felt really crushed and really thought that she was the one for me. She had been the only person in my life that had made me put so much effort into getting to know someone. Heck she's the only person i had ever really opened up to. Sadly, well she fell out of love and there is nothing I could do about that. I barely got to hear about those feelings at the end, and now she's with another guy.
For me it has been more than a month. Now I don't miss her as much as I used to right after the break up. I can kind of go through my day now, even though there are some times where I do go back and think about her. It sucks that if I do hear about her from friends, she looks like she's incredibly happy, as if I was something that could just be thrown away. I know deep down I do still wish to get back what used to be, get her back, but on another side, I am now looking forward to getting back those wonderful feelings that I could feel for a person like I did for her. That is something that has really helped me keep going even when I start getting sad. Although your time might suck right now. Although you might feel like she's throwing you away and forgetting you, I hope that you can find and get to the time where you are able to enjoy your life. That's what I am trying to get to because I feel that whenever we are able to get to it, we'll be able to eventually find that someone. It could be your ex, or it could be someone else, who knows? Life is full of mysteries.
With that said, one thing that I want to do is be able to rekindle my friendship with her. That was the best friendship I have ever had, and even though there might not be that "romantic" love we had, I do strongly love her as my friend and hope that she does too. Sadly I think it is going to take time for that to happen, until I can face her being with someone else. For now I have been working on myself, mainly by losing weight, but I want to become a more outgoing person. Most of my life I have been a serious, quiet guy, but because of her I noticed that I in fact could do it. Now, I think I have to make the effort to do it on my own. If we do ever get a chance to get back together, I want it to be as different, stronger and more mature persons. Even if it doesn't workout like that I want to be a better person for the next one. Ultimately I just want to keep our friendship.
Haha sorry I wrote a lot, but tonight I felt that I wanted to get stuff off my chest. I don't think I'll be of much help to you, but I do wish you the best in your journey. Like Kevin says a lot on here, I hope that you are able to become happy with yourself, because only then will you really be able to share that with another person. I wish you the best David!
Sorry,
I did write a comment earlier on my phone but it hasnt shown.
Basically I cant sugar coat things and im only going on my past experience here...about 1-2 months ago
You have to give her at least SOME NC (time+Space), I didnt do the whole 30 days myself, but I gave her at least a week and she noticed right away, started asking about me. It alsohelped me, even though now im still in an iffy stage, it did help.
I know you think shes moving on because of the space your giving her, but is that coz shes trying to force herself? or make you jealous?
My ex did the same, everydya I checked her fb, she had a new FB profile where she looked amazing, had like 15 guys like it and about 10+ comment, some even saying "fit" "your amazing darling x" and with her commenting back saying thanks. That annoyed me!
Now she seems to have stopped doing that, Im not sure if thats good or bad but we are on talking terms!
But just remember, if she wants to move on, shes going to move on whether you are chasing her or not.
I myself am struggling to deal with this, but the more and more I think about it, the more I realise that we have to accept it...I would DEFINITELY not want to get back with my ex if I knew I was only her backup option.....or that she didnt really love me 100% like she originally did etc..afterall thats WHY i want her abck so much...otherwise I would of been like this with all my ex's....and believe me I wasnt! ha
Think about when someone has liked you and you didnt like them back...did it stop you getting on with your life? No I bet it didnt, but they probably felt something similar to all of us right now but to a lesser degree (depending on the crush ha)
how long have you given her NC for?
Hope this sorta helps, Its not sugar coated But I think sometimes a bit of bluntness may help :P
I did no contact for a month + a few days. I sent her an email (I had already given her a letter a few days after the breakup) with the magic letter format, and she didn't respond. I saw her at a mutual friend's wedding and she seemed, well, ok with being around me but still tried to avoid. I did no contact for over a week again then sent one of the messages and she didn't respond. Then more than a week after that message she showed up to a mutual friend hangout thing at a sports bar and such. And it's been over a week since then.
Hi David, your story is familiar to many lovers and most of couples who go through what you're going through end up meeting up again and being together. I think NC helps with getting rid of the negatives in your relationship so if she's angry now in time she'll forget the wrong doings and starts missing you (I hope). So, yes if it's meant to be you two will end up together. I may sound like a hypocrite now lol, but give it time! Good luck :)
And BTW David, you know how your ex posted new profile pics and stuff on fb so other guys will like it and then she stopped? Well, I did the same lol and you know why? It's because I want my ex to know that I'm happy and doing 'Great!' without him and that I'm 'Desirable'. So, I went through some effort just to get him to notice. Yes, your ex did the same with YOU. She did just that so that YOU could notice her. And now she stopped just like me hahaha... Because now that I'm on talking terms with my ex there's no need for me to grab his attention... not as much! Yes, same with your ex haha... In other words, your ex is still into you and wants you to notice what you have lost, um HER! I know that because I did the same (love's so sad isn't it?) oh well, Good luck in your next stage. And if she does try to grab your attention in the future with other profile pics and her going out pics etc... it's just a hint or more of a push for you to move things along. How do I know that? I'm planning to doing just that in the next month or so... And then, if you don't react in the way she wants you to then, she would put something to make you real jealous (but not something slutty, just a beautiful pic of her and a guy next to her or something)... Yep! you guessed it... I'll be doing that in the next few months and I know Men get jealous of the little things... so, nothing over the top just a picture and it should do all wonders for love! Good luck David, she's still interested! :)
Actually my ex has done nothing on facebook in terms of posting statuses or new profile pictures with guys, as far as I know, but sometimes I notice she was last on at like 3:30 in the morning. So I just wonder and it makes me sick. I'm trying not to obsess though.
Oh that's ok, it doesn't mean anything good or bad then, it was the same with my ex until i wrote him a letter after 30 days NC. I only did those things on fb and not excessively of course and not with guys cos he's old fashion and considers that disrespectful (I agree depending on the pic) I was following Kevin's advice on how to use facebook for our advantage, have you received that letter? If you decide to follow through that advice, be sure to be subtle otherwise it'll look obvious you're trying too hard on facebook to get her to notice you.
Sorry Rihanna,
(Festival David here)
Think that was my bad, there seems to be 2 of us David's posting here...so I was replying to David about my experience with my ex etc..I actually dont know if im right or wrong yet..as my ex might be moving on too...but id like to think not ha
Ill start signing my posts with "Festival David" or something as My ex is the one thats currently at a festival for a few days :)
It wont let me post under a different name x
Oh right hahahaha... I thought it was getting bit confusing but I'm loving your name 'Festival David' ;) Yes, I have been following your story with your ex going to a festival for few days and don't worry about that cos from the sound of her she's still interested in you, talks to you etc... so there's definitely hope for you two :) ... I hope that guy she's with now would just fall off from a ride hahahahahahahaha... so evil! hahaha :)
Hi David,
My ex was my first gf, and we were together for 3 years as well. In the beginning, 3 months ago, I tried NC and it lasted about 5 days and she was holding hands with some guy in her class. I had similar thoughts you had, wondering whether these 3 yrs meant anything for her. I knew she was the one too, so why can't she give us another chance? This was my thought process for about 2 months.
When you think NC is not working, it's because you're still obsessed with her. Don't you find yourself wondering about her too much? You're always thinking about her and why she doesn't respond or the way she is thinking. I've done it all before, and all this is going to do is drive you crazy. My advice for what you should do is to go NC, try 30 days. Don't contact her, you need time for yourself and time for her to miss you. During this time, do what this guide says. NC is useless if you dont do anything during these days other than miss her. It say 30 days because then you will have something to look forward to. Only you can make yourself truly happy, and when you find this happiness, you'll realize the wonders that life has to offer. Stay calm David, you still have a chance.
I guess I should have mentioned I did over 30 days no contact. I didn't just think about her the whole time. It's been over 2 months since the breakup. I have made a list of things to work on, and I have done so. Learn how to grill and how to look for new cars etc. I already used to work out all the time, so I just continued to do that. I have spent more time golfing and playing the guitar. Still though, after these 2 months, I just can't help myself from thinking about her all the time.
I see. David, NC is for yourself. It doesn't matter if you went NC for months if you didn't change the way you approach the situation. She's cold to you and doesn't want to see you, the truth is there is nothing you can do about it. Do you think you've accepted the break up? If you did then why are you still emotionally attached to her for your happiness? I understand that you love her, and miss her a lot. She knows you love her and that you want to get back, but if she's not ready then you can't do much about it. You can only improve yourself in the mean time. For a relationship to work, both of you would have to be willing to contact each other. If you've done NC and did various attempts to contact her and she's still not responding, I'd say let go for a while. You don't deserve to be treated this way. I miss my ex too, but I've realized that I am more important and you should too.
Only when you learn to let go, you make room for things that you truly deserve. If you are holding on to a dying relationship and hope that you can control things so that it will get better, then I think it's time to let go. You shouldn't be afraid to let go, if it's meant to be you'll get what you want. David, at sometime in your life, you'll realize that what you wanted wasn't exactly what you needed and what you needed is better than what you wanted. (Thank you Kevin, for making me realize this)
Well, I haven't gotten over HER. I have accepted the breakup. Problem is, I have tried all I can to think of reasons this is good that we are apart, and I can't think of any. If we could get back together, this breakup would be a very good thing. I've learned WAY more about how to deal with a relationship from the breakup than I did by dating her for 3 years. But still, I've learned by these 2 months apart that if I can't get her back, it really is a huge loss for me. There are plenty out there, but this had all of the makings for a great lifelong partnership. I don't know if there's a better one out there. Thanks for the support
David,
Recently, I have been a bit busy so, I could not follow all you comments so far but just to comment on your last comment, I have to say that there are plenty of opportunities out there. It is our mind that tricks us to hold on.
About opportunities, just ask yourself how many girls did you meet until you decided that there may not be anyone better than her? Lets assume 1000. Well, what is the probability of finding a better girl if you meet 100 more girls? I believe its not zero!
I don't say that you should move on or keep trying because its you who has to decided but I want to assure that there are plenty of opportunities out there. Good luck mate!!
David, your worrisome worries me. If you still think that if you don't get your ex back is a huge loss, you haven't truly accepted breakup up yet. You don't need to get over her, you just need to accept who she is. If she doesn't want to see you, there's nothing you can do about it. But if you want to think about your loss, and feel miserable all day thinking about what you've lost, you'll never get anywhere. I felt that way too ok, take the time to self reflect, most of my attitude changes came from there. The sooner you accept this loss, the sooner you'll realize that you don't need your ex.
Hi guys,
So, we are really over. After 2months of on-off and breakup, we met last time. She seemed like a changed lady. More positive and strong. I asked for last chance but she said no. She is no longer attracted and she said she is no longer in love.
The NC didn't help. I mean, it worked to her advantage. She moved on during a week of my NC. I was hurt because we were bestfriends for 5years and as a couple of 2years then she told me she had already moved on in just a span of 2months, what sorcery is that huh?!
But anw, we've agreed to be friends. She said she'll call me after office hours and it's fine. But i cannot take the hurt anymore. I don't want her away because i miss her more but when she is close i get confused and i can't sort out my feelings.
Anw, she said she had moved on that fast because she is in a new environment. So i was the only one left to move on.
She moved on in just 2months and i am here still sorting out my feelings. And i was wondering if the whole 5years of connection we had are just games and pretention.
I have talked about it to my mom because i could no longer handle the pain. She said that maybe my ex has someone else because you simply cannot move on that fast. And she advised me to forget her for good. And i am confused because my ex and i have agreed to be in contact but then my mom told me no. Of course, i would listen to my mom.
It hurts to let go and move on especially when you've learned that she already did. But that's life, you have to forget the one who forgot about you.
Thank you, Rihanna, Edward, A.Z, Daniel, David, Dara and Kevin
P. S. I hope i did not forgot to mention anyone.
Hi raed,
Sorry to hear that, take your mum's advice just carry on at your own pace, don't rush to find anyone and don't contact your ex...I know it's hard..
David,
Hi. Yes, it is hard but it will be harder if I will stick around. I'll just focus on improving myself only now I am excited to do that haha!
Thank you, man!
Raed, unfortunately on this one I have to agree with your mom. Mom knows best indeed. The reason your ex is able to be your friend around you is because she's moved on. She's over the relationship you two had (I'm sorry) and she doesn't mind being your friend because she's moved on. If she has someone else then assume she won't be back with you unless she breaks up with him only then she'll lean towards you as a rebound. This isn't good either because the rebound won't work and you'll find yourself hurt again, back to square one. I suggest you do strictly NC for 6 months and hopefully in those months you would've really moved on with your life, found someone else that will make you feel like you've done the right thing letting go of your current ex, someone that will make you feel extremely happy you'll wonder where this girl's been hiding from your life? Only then, IF you're still interested in rekindling your friendship with your ex and IF it's ok with your girlfriend go for it. But IMO don't even give your ex any attention and just move on... you're young, intelligent and the world is your oyster! Big love xx
Rihanna,
Hey! I love you for that! You sound so inspiring haha!
You are right on point, she is totally fine with us being friends because she's moved on already and I realized I am not ready because I can still see the friendship thing as a means of getting back together.
It still hurts if ever I will find out that she has someone new and I might consider her a cheater lol.
But anyways, do not worry. I will never allow myself to be her Plan B.
Thankyou, Rihanna! I hope you are doing all well and good! :)
Hi Raed,
My ex has said similar things, she said "why do you want someone who doesn't want you?" or something like "i dont want a relationship with you". She also said, "i don't think we are capable of being partners". She suggested us to care for each other as friends, at the time I was reading RR so I accepted it. From my experience, asking for one more chance depends on when you ask it. 3 weeks ago, I gave my a handwritten letter with my feelings in it, after she said she read it, I asked her if she would give me another chance. I've changed her from saying no to a maybe. Now, I realized that I don't just want to change that maybe to a yes but to have her asking me for another chance, and to have me be the one deciding. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in love with her, but don't you think that we deserve better?
The point is, just because she said no, doesn't mean it's all over. If I were you, I would do NC again and keep doing it until you are happy without her. I want you to read Kevin's emails over again because he has taught me so much. You two have 5 years of connection, don't think about her playing mind games or not. Think about your future, how you will be a better, happier person. After this NC, for however long it takes, if you still have feelings for your ex, ask her out, not for the old relationship, but a new one. But really, the importance of NC is about you. The difference between my attempt of NC 2-3 months ago compared to now, is that I have a completely new attitude. So when you say NC doesn't help, your wrong. NC does helps and it all depends on you, on how you handle it. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn by rereading this guide. Have faith Raed, it's not over yet because you're a warrior.
Edward,
Hey! She gave me the closure that she is no longer in love but still i feel deceived.
We just graduate and she had work while i continued my studies. On her 2nd month at work she told me her family doesn't approve and that she is no longer in love. Whenever i tell my story to people they come up with 'she's seeing someone else' thing. Because as they say she will not redily forget in just 2months the 5years and knowing i am her first boyfrined. They said sje would not move on that fast unless she is with someone else at work and they said she is just making out reasons as to why we need to break up. What do you think?
Sometimes she is contacting me first but i just ignore her if i dont feel like talking. You are right, Edward. We deserve better. I have waited for her for 2months and i will not waste my time waiting forever.
Thankyou, Edward! You sound like a really mature man. How could your girl not appreciate that?! Haha
RAED,
Being single is the best thing ever! You can flirt with any girl without being unfaithful to anyone! Enjoy it buddy!! Open up a bottle of drink and celebrate the beginning of your mental freedom! Cheers READ!!
Dara,
Hey man! I don't know but you always sound so happy! It is uplifting, really! Haha.
Yes, i am enjoying being single right now. I can be with whoever and do whatever i feel like doing without being tied to someone. I feel like more motivated to workout and be more handsome and attractive than before simply becauss it feels good to look attractive and talk to any girl i like. Haha!
Thanks, Dara! Cheers to us!
Hi Everyone,
For some reason my comment didn't go up, so I'm going to try again. My ex gf of 3years broke up with me almost 6weeks ago. And in the first week, I made so many mistakes (maybe all of them) which are mentioned on this website. That surely didn’t help at all, because she stopped responding to me and told me nothing’s going to changer her mind. Long story short, after 30 some days of NC, my ex texted me saying "Sorry to do this, but I've been missing you. And hoping you are doing well.” That came out of nowhere, and I freaked out to be honest, because I was sort of trying to get over it (though obviously I wasn’t able to). But I played cool and told her How I've been doing and asked how she's been doing. And I ended the conversation short. Because I was moving to nearby her house next week, I texted her few days later I was moving to the area she lives in, and asked her if she'll be down to go grab a drink or a coffee. She answered "I have to think about it". followed by a photo of my favorite candy which I forgot to take when I moved out of her house and a message saying "if we do, I need to give this to you because it tastes like a soap". Also she texted me this morning with a photo of my favorite pastry and say “jealous?”. I’ve been playing along, but is she just playing the game? But knowing her, she’s not that kind of girl…. Or maybe it’s just me not understanding girls at all?? I just don’t know what to do from here. I do love her so much, and miss her deeply. But I know the worst thing I can do right now is to go to her house and tell her how I really feel….. Is the only way to get back to my ex is to play along and move slowly? Or better yet, is she even interested in getting back together or just playing? What you guys think? This thing's occupying my mind since i got the first text from her after NC, and kind of driving me crazy. Any advice would be really helpful. Thank you!
Hi yk,
Wow that sounded great. She is definitely showing signs of missing you and considering wanting to get back. You didn't say how you two broke up, but you should know that reason. If you're worried about giving your feelings out, just ask yourself if you're going to have a relationship with her again, will it be better this time around? Taking it slowly is key because you two haven't met in a while and jumping the gun isn't a good idea. Treat it as a new relationship, take your time slowly, don't act needy, be yourself, and don't mention about the old relationship. If she talks about it, tell her you like how things are right now. If you think she's "playing" the game right now, just be yourself. She's testing the waters to see if you have changed, at the same time misses you and wants to get back. If you pass this, you two have a high chance of getting back. Good luck!
Thanks for your response Edward,
The reason for the break-up was I think mainly because I took her for granted and I didn’t put much effort to sustain the relationship while she was trying. I know there are more to it as I can think of few other reasons. But I have to admit that I didn’t know what I had until I lost it. I definitely blew it. But based on what I wrote, you think she’s actually thinking about getting back? I guess I’ve been too pessimistic after the break-up, but it’s great to hear somebody else’s opinion. It give me little hope and encouragement. So you think I should just wait to hear what her answer would be to my coffee / drink suggestion while texting back and forth?
Hey yk, that is very similar to my breakup and that's how I felt after breakup too, but don't feel too bad, take this experience as a learning one. There is definitely more to the breakup, but what's more important is to realize your mistake during that relationship and how to improve yourself for the next or you'd be looping this cycle of breakup and not keeping it permanent. I can tell she is definitely trying to get back, play it cool and let it be her idea to get back. Keep texting back and forth, be yourself, keep it light. Don't show signs of neediness and go telling her that you missed her all this time, she doesn't want to hear that right now. There's a reason why she left you, she knows you miss her and love her, that's why it's crucial for her to understand that you're not the same as before during your absence. When time feels right, she will open up to you. You're in a pretty good position right now, keep it up. Remember, your ex doesn't want you to feel pessimistic when she sees you, it's a turn off, cheerup, be confident and optimistic (:
Hey Edward,
So what’s going on with your situation? I read little bit about your story below, and I was pretty impressed that you got to where you are right now. I was kind of trying to calm myself last 4-5weeks during the NC period as well, and I became pretty positive after awhile. Then one text comes in out of nowhere and I went back to square one I felt like. Definitely emotional roller coaster that I’ve been riding for last month or so. Like you suggested, I will keep texting back and forth and wait for her to open up more. I just hope I can control my emotion little better so I don’t think about pouring my heart out haha. But just out of curiosity, why or what part made you feel strong about her trying to get back?? I’m kind of trying to see this whole thing objectively and positively…. If that make sense.
Hey yk,
I'm not sure how I felt this way so soon haha. It's like each day I grow happier, perhaps it's because I'm looking forward to the next day that life has to offer. My ex initiated a text yesterday and today too! It's been 3 months of me chasing, and 1 to 2 weeks ago I've decided not to. Not because I don't love her, but because I've already given so much, and it feels like if she doesn't appreciate me, maybe she's not the one. I know I deserve better, but the truth is I'm in love with her and she knows that. To be honest, at this point, even if she doesn't get back with me, I will respect her decision. I want to get back with her, but over the course of time, I've realized that I don't need her.
As for you, the first text she sent you during NC indicates strongly that she wants to get back with you. She wants to see if you've improved yourself and misses you. If you went through NC without positive change, she will definitely see it, and might not get back with you. I've read your post with Kevin, and it seems like from the way you've described it that you've made many mistakes. Yk, we all make mistakes, the goal here is to learn from it and try not to do them again. Although your ex shows signs of wanting to get back with you, ask yourself, have you done your part? You've mentioned that you guys were sad back then, so why are you still sad? NC is for you to feel happy about your life without your ex, you've done a good job not contacting her, but have you worked on yourself during this time? I know it's hard to stop thinking about her and live life happily without her because I've been through it. Trust me, it was a roller coaster ride for me too, nothing has really changed on my exes side, she's still talking to that guy, but really, what has changed is ME. Appreciate life, accept everything it has to offer, cherish it, love it. If you can keep this in mind, I guarantee you'll be happy. Like me haha! (:
Hey Edward,
For some reason I didn’t have reply option at the bottom, so I’ll reply here. The thing is that it’s little easier to work on myself mentally when there is no ex’s presence (text, phone, face-face…). As I mentioned I was in fact working on myself during the NC period up until the day she texted me. Everyday I tried to stop and see what’s surrounding my life and tried to appreciate what I really have in my life. But once I start texting my ex, the focus shifted to her unfortunately. But you are right, I think I can shift my focus to myself again even with her presence in my life.
So as for your situation, you are just communicating with her for now and see where it goes from there? It seems like though you are making slow progress everyday. So you mentioned you were chasing her for few months. I’m assuming you made bunch of mistakes as I did probably? Haha. I can’t imagine you were like that from the way you talk now, but that just means people can learn from mistakes eh? I really appreciate this chatting Edward.
Hey yk, my ex texted me again today, third consecutive day she initiated. You're right, I am taking it slow and seeing how it goes. When I respond, I am happy and friendly. I am not expecting a response anymore. I did make lots of mistakes just like yours because we want our exes back and we'll do anything to try. If I can be happy whether my ex texts me or not, you should be able to as well. Stay calm, stay focused to your goals. Good luck!
By taking it slow, you can really demonstrate to your ex that you've really changed in a positive way. By showing her and not just saying you've changed tells you ex that you are capable of being her man in the future. Yk, try to have a positive attitude if you haven't, I think me and you are going through really similar situations, we have good chances. I wish us both best of luck, stay calm, be yourself, don't worry about what's going to happen, just live it. And remember this one thing, even if she doesn't want you in the end, life has endless opportunities for you to be happy and loved (:
Hi everyone, I'm not doing well at all today, feeling an emotional loss especially after I spoke with him on the phone. He's so gentle and keeps saying that I'm the love of his life,that he'll never let go of me no matter what, that we only split because of life circumstances which is true... And he was in pain today while talking to me and he hasn't been going anywhere and can hardly move :'( ... He wants us to meet up in the next few months he'll either come to my city or I go there and he said he'll take care of everything like accommodation etc... (not that I'll accept) but anyway, his voice and words are full of love and said he's not interested in meeting anyone etc... but because of money issues and illness and life's crap I think he's gooooooone!!! and I'm crying now because I'm in love with him and can't be with him, EVER! WE'll always be friends though and that has to be enough :'( :'( :'(
BTW I was happy and confident on the phone but didn't want to let go... this is very hard on both of us... Do you guys think we can make it as 'just friends'?
Hey Rihanna, it's okay.. don't feel sad. You have to feel happy so that he will too. You two will meet some day and just as friend right now is better than whwt most of us have. When you two meet up, show him that you want to be more than just friends. He is already saying that he's in love with you, you have nothing to lose. He just has to work on his own things, meanwhile set some goals yourself. Some independence is good to have in a relationship, a relationship needs freedom to grow. Stay positive.
Haha thanks Rihanna, it's recent that I've felt like this. A month or two ago, I was worried a lot and I just wanted my ex back. I tried so hard to get my ex's attention to try and fix the relationship. I didn't know what I did wrong at first, I started to look for help and came to this site. Kevin's emails really helped me and so did my friends. I feel that my attitude towards a happy life has greatly improved and that I am growing as each day passes. Although I care for my ex really much, I have finally understood that I am more important. I was finally able to accept the breakup and start improving myself instead of wondering about my ex. I am still in a recovery process, but from three months ago compared to now, I feel like I've improved a lot, especially on how I am handling my situation. I know I still have a long way to go, but it takes small efforts to build up overtime.
About me and my ex.. I think everything is just fine. I feel like I need more time to improve myself more than getting back with her. I ask myself all the time, if she chooses to get back with me, am I better this time around? What have I done so far? Will this relationship be the same as the last? Before breakup, I felt like I wasn't good enough for her and pushed her away, so I knew I had to work on myself. A day after I've realized what I have lost. Ever since then I've been trying to get her back until recently. I've started NC recently but I feel like I don't need a time limit. Whenever I'm ready, I will know, I just have to be consistent and stay focused on my goals more than anything right now. As for my ex, I love her a lot and I miss being together. Sure there are times that I wonder what she's doing and worry about things, but I always tell myself to let go and tell myself that it's not healthy worrying too much. My ex texted me today and told me that she wants to eat at a place we ate together. I told her when school starts again I'll take her there. We had a short conversation about how everything was and I've ended up the conversation telling her that we should hangout after my summer school. She didn't reply to that, but it doesn't matter. If she really wants to be with me, she would contact me again. I think she's still talking to the other guy, but I'm happy where I'm at. I've done so much trying to make our relationship work already, and if she doesn't respect that, then like you said, it's her loss. And Rihanna, don't worry so much about the future and live the moment, I promise you'll be happier that way. Also, the way we think affects how we are, if you feel young, you'll always be~
I will keep you guys updated if anything comes up ^_^
I've been on this site since April or so, if you guys want to know more about my relationship, my history is somewhere in the previous pages (you can search/find my name). When I look back, I feel kind of embarrassed because of my thought process back then haha. It's amazing how quickly we can change! I'm happy where I'm at even without my ex.
That's the spirit Edward! Good on you and yes it is her loss if she can't see what a great guy you are... I hope to be emotionally where you are at now in a few months time... You'll meet someone amazing soon all of this won't matter anymore :) ... Keep your head up and know you have a friend in me whenever you need to talk.
Be patient Rihanna, love takes time, you two just got back together, I remember you saying you went from bliss to death's door, well right now friends is way better than that. Don't rush love, trust me, use this time to create more happy moments together. Cherish what you two have and life itself. Love will find itself to you through your happiness. Love is not where your sorrows live, remember to stay happy and appreciate life.
Thank you Edward you seem wise beyond your 24 years. You are right about everything you said but my heart feels heavy and I'm so worried about the future because we're both not young and have to start life from scratch! Anyway, I will keep my head in place and work towards reaching my goal and hope he's doing the same so that there might be a prayer at the end of this for us to be together. How is your progress going with your ex? You seem like an intelligent guy with lots to offer if she's too blind to see it then I guess it's her loss :( ... But I pray for you and hope it all works out. Keep us posted.
btw I asked him what did he tell his family and friends happened between us and he's told everyone that we broke up "things didn't work out" he said. That makes me feel embarrassed that we failed the relationship straight after 'Bliss' and now I'm supposed to see his family and friends and pretend that me and my ex are 'just friends'? not sure how that works. Also, he kept asking me about how my family is doing and that he's not comfortable to meet them while he's sick, why does he still want to meet my family? as friends? He loves me but doesn't want me, I'm confused. I love him but can't have him... Great! If only I took better care of my life and didn't concentrate so much on art and actually got myself a well paid job!!! I wish he'd done the same too :( ... Thanks for listening to my crap!
Well, lol. I've responded to your comment up top, be sure to look at that. And.. these are all signs of him wanting to be with you. He wants to see your family shows that he is looking into the future of being with you. You love art, that's why you're doing it, you will be happier doing something you love rather than something you dislike. To get out of being friends requires you to be face to face with him, to show him intimacy and that you're more than just friends (this is just one way). Rihanna, you have to slow things down, it hasn't even been a week since the letter you gave. From my two months of chasing, I can tell you that things will get worse if you don't slow down. Give him space, let him come to you, do not worry, be happy of everything you have. These are my advices for a better chance, it's important that you understand. The sooner you accept yourself, the sooner others will accept you.
Rihanna,
Chill. All signs point tp him wanting you back. Don't you think that's more than enough? I mean, he has been vocal and all, about his feelings for you. Amd might as well consider yourself lucky. My ex had already moved on in just a span of 2mos after 5yrs of bestfriendship where we are a couple of 2years.
I mean, come on, Rihanna. You are lucky. He is still in love with you. He is not interested in meeting someone else. You are just panicking. You know, it is human nature to never get contented. Before your problem is that you want to feel he misses you and then he did. And now he is back (not literally but back in contact) you want you two to be together immediately.
Rihanna, there are some things that needs a right timing. You love him, he loves you, isn't that comforting enough?
If i am not mistaken, you broke up because he has issues. He is not that self-sufficient. And he cannot fix it right away. No matter how long the NC you do, months or years it doesn't change the fact that it is not easy to deal with finances and health. Rihanna, IT TAKES TIME.
He wants you back. But he is holding back just because he cannot provide. He cannot provide for himself and so he cannot provide for you yet.
He isn't getting back together because he needs to fix his issues first. But he wants you around because he knows in himself that when he can stand on his own, you are the one he wants to be married with.
For now, why not go hand in hand in improving each other. Allow yourself both to grow with the knowledge that at the end of the day, after you've ironed out life's crap that you will be always coming home to each other.
Fear not, Rihanna.
Raed, your comment is A+. Seriously, I don't understand how intelligent guys and girls here have been dumped, you are very logical about life and I appreciate your advice. You are right. I think I'm most afraid of failing. Fear and failing more than anything else. More than the relationship. Thank you for your support and I pray to God you get what you deserve out of life, the best of everything :) ... All the best and keep us posted on your progress.
Rihanna,
Hey thanks! Maybe because our exes/my ex is dumb enough to let us/me go.
Rihanna, the one thing i have learned in my recently failed relationship is that the more you fear for something, the more it is bound to happen.
I fear so much that my ex would be with someone else in the future. I feared she will break up with me. I feared she will forget me. And it all happened. Why? Because of that fear, i wasn't able to realize that i was the one whp pushed her away. Because i live in fear, i tend to think negatively. I argue with her a lot even about nonsense things because I fear, because i was afraid.
That fear did not help. It was damaging. It's like a grenade. The moment you explode out of fear you tend to hurt the ones closest to you. And that is what happened to us. I lived in fear instead of living for the moment.
Your desire for success should always be greater than your fear of failure.
Raed, there's a saying: "Behind every fear there's a silent wish" I think perhaps your "fear" of losing her was a subconscious wish or a warning to prepare you for the 'worst' (breaking up). You should feel secure in your relationship with a woman and if you have fear in your future one then, end it because that fear will turn you to a doormat and you'll lose her respect for you not to mention your pride and your own self-respect. From what you say, I sense your level of maturity and I think you deserve a real woman who will hold on to you in good times and bad. Good luck Raed, you deserve the best in life!
Here's my update from my last comment
After we met up for the first time again (after NC period) earlier this month, I have not seen him since. A big part of the reason is because we have both been busy (he was working on prepping for a big project and I was out of town for a bit - so it did not leave much time in between for us to get together). I tried to still stay in touch through email, but tried to lay low because previously, I think I was being too available and usually being the one to initiate, replying to him too soon, etc. Anyway, the thing is that his replies to me are not as enthused as I would like (they are friendly, but short) and he has not mentioned getting together again in any of them (again, we have both been busy though, and I just got back from my trip - but still...). I'm not sure what to do at this point because I don't want to come on too strong. Should I just wait for him to contact me again, and let it be his idea to meet up again, or should I suggest it? His project is finished now (last week), and the last message I sent him was a short response to his, in which I said that I looked forward to hearing all about it. He has not replied since, and he knows I am back in town today. I really miss him. Trying to be patient but even though he is staying in contact, it is pretty minimal and nonchalant and it makes me feel like I want to give up as he isn't showing the kind of interest I would like. :/
I should clarify I have not seen him since the first week in June. Then he was busy with his project, and then I went away and just got back. There hasn't really been time to meet again yet, but in terms of communication at all, it has mostly me doing the initiating (I backed off on the frequency about a week or so before I went away because I realized I was being too available), and when he replies, it is usually short but friendly. When we were first in contact after the NC period, we had a better email exchange (I think because he did miss having me in his life). I think I can slowly rebuild attraction with him in person, if only I can get to meeting up again without seeming too eager.. but it feels like he has "acquaintance zoned" me.
Hey Ruth,
i recommend you to go on NC untill he contacts you.be cool and act like you are friends.let him know that you are ok being just friends.don't worry about the friendzone. in fact you are creating a false-friendship so you can get closer to him without seeming needy.you are not stuck in friendzone untill he seriously talks about his feelings for someone else.( even if he does,there is a way ).he doesn't have to be sure that you are still there for him.show him that you are having a great life.remind him of the good memories you had so he remembers how he felt for you.don't bring up anything about the breakup or any negative memories.wait for him to contact you,then you can contact him.but don't always initiate contact.let him chase you sometimes.be confident.meet him and create scarcity after some time so he will think you have moved on and he might be losing you forever.i suggest you to read ryan river's relationship rewind so you will understand how the false friendship and scarcity work.
Hi Ruth,
It sucks that our exes reply in such short responses and never initiated doesn't it? What's worse is that my ex has someone to talk to while we endure this pain, and have this curiosity of whether they want us back or not. Whether we should move on or still keep trying.
The only person that is ALWAYS by your side is yourself. If you want to be happy and have happy thoughts, you can. Instead of using your thoughts to wonder about him, stop and step back and think about yourself. Are you happy? The reason for this is that the next time he wants to hangout with you, you want to be the one deciding whether you'll give him another chance. I know it sounds silly, but you are much better than that and deserve respect. You don't have to give up, you don't have to wait. By having an abundant mindset, you'll be free and grateful of your life. It's much better than thinking about when your ex is going to contact you, wouldn't you agree? (:
thank you, edward and a.z.
you are right, i am going to just step back and live my life and enjoy it. if he wants to contact me, he knows how to reach me.
I like your attitude already, keep it up (: don't worry so much.
I think I am going to give up for now. I saw pics of him today on facebook (I have him removed from my friends list but the urge to peek is hard to resist) and it set me right back because he looked good in the pics. So now I am wallowing in sadness. I cannot be friends with him or stay in touch with him when the feelings are still there but not reciprocated.. not even as friends. I get the sense that ever since we met up, he has been purposely keeping some distance from me (maybe so as not to give me the wrong idea?), and this is why it keeps being me doing the initiating. If he was even enthusiastic about maintaining a real friendship with me, then I would keep trying, but I don't feel that is the case. I am not going to contact him anymore and try to move on, and if he does, I am going to tell him I cannot stay in contact with him when the feelings are still there because it makes me miss him and prevents me from moving on. In that way, he will know the only way to stay in touch is to head towards reconciliation (even if as friends first, but with the intention of seeing if there is a romantic future for us). Otherwise, it is best that we part ways completely, at least until I have moved on completely, and only then can friendship be possible.
It has been nearly 3 months since out breakup and I don't want to still feel this sadness anymore. A step forward, two steps back. It gets tiring.
Hi all! So ok... um, i wrote the letter, he calls, the conversation goes GREAT from my end especialyl and, We're friends :)... But NOW WHAT? by the way, we now live in different states and he said: "come visit me one day, I'll look after you take you everywhere etc... but don't come too soon!" what does that mean lol... What's the next stage? we texted yesterday briefly then I cut the convo saying: "I'm heading out now for a shopping spree with my friends, I'm going for a new look haha, enjoy your day xx" then he wrote back 'enjoy'. That's it! so now what?
Rihanna, it takes time haha. My ex and I are friends too. After giving her the letter, she was warmer and knows my intentions are more than just friends. During this time of distance, work on yourself, look even more attractive than ever and most importantly, take it slow. Ask yourself if your actions meet your ex's of getting back together. You don't want to seem needy and let him think of anything negative about you. Be the happy person you still are and enjoy life itself, eventually he will put effort into getting you back. Good luck!
welcome to my confusing stage rihanna :) .kidding its not that confusing.you should be cool and don't focus on his words.focus on your plan.you want to get close to him so you can meet him and reattract him without showing your true emotions.you need to act like friends.no obsession,no relationship talking or being romantic.and since you are in different states now,use skype or other video calls sometimes.you should be a happy positive person so little by little he remembers the good memories you had and the feelings he had for you in your bliss stage.sometimes it really gets hard (atleast for me ).you can't read his mind all the time. thats why you should focus more on yourself.during this stage he also feels confused.he can't think of you as just a friend cuz once intimacy happened it can't be gone over a few months.one day he will talk about his feelings the next day he acts like he doesn't care.and these are all good.don't over react on anything and remember during this stage any negative memory or even a negative sentence from you would be a killer.
Good luck
lol a.z. we think alike (:
hahaha,thats what i was just thinking.every time i read your comments i think its me talking LOL. btw could you read my comments so you can tell me your opinion.its gonna be like me talking to myself unemotionally :D
Definitely lol (: I read your comments all the time.
Dara,
i don't think if you can find my comment there,there was no more reply option so i replied here
a.z.,
Unfortunately, I could not get your comment even here. Can you please paste it here? Thank you so much!
Even though I drank tonight also, but today I had a good feeling. One of those student staff in the gym made me truly smile today. She is of those girls who smile for the least reason. I understand those kind of people because I am one of them. Another good point is that today in and after the gym I was thinking how I like her smile! Now, I conclude something good about it: it doesn't matter if she is already taken, the fact that I am thinking about a girl for a relation but not my ex is a great advancement. Maybe, tomorrow or just tonight I start crying over my ex again (who knows) but this fact that at this moment I am fantasizing a relationship with this girl is psychologically great!
Anyway, please paste you comment here! I will be more than happy to listen to you! Plus, if you have anything more to add, I will be truly glad to read it! Thank you so much a.z.!!
this is my lost comment :D .thank you dara,you are right.i feel better now.i’m happy we got to know each other.i see we really care and understand each other’s situation and other people’s we haven’t even met once.and its really beautiful.yeah after all we learnt alot.i personally had no idea about these and i’m really happy that we can use these methods later in our relationships.i almost got him back with kevin’s help and relationship rewind but unfortunately i ruined it again.but i really hope it work for all of us.
and about what you said,it's really great . to be honest i do it all the time :D .i am really interested in other boys. its still the part of my brain that says he was the one.but i really think if i start a new relationship these day, its not gonna be a rebound. atleast i can like someone and truly feel something for him ,not using him as a pain reducer.and i think these signs are good for both of us.few hours earlier i was going crazy but now i'm really ok .btw i made my mind i'm not gonna go go out with him for atleast 2 weeks after i get there.do u think i'm making the wrong decision?
The fact is that we are in a stage that many people have been but they simply ignore it! I had two friends that I consulted for my recent troubles: a female and a male friend. The female friends advise was "dump her before she dumps you". Worse than that, her suggestions pushed me towards a needy insecure person! Maybe she did not have benevolent mentality. Fortunately, I was according to her suggestions not more than a week! My male friend's advice were better but they was a bit more impolite compared to what RR suggests. Anyway, it was his life experience. Yes, I learnt a lot here on this site!
It is psychologically good that you also have such ideas in your mind! They help push the main topic aside for a while at least.
I think it was the best you let him know when and where in his town (which I think you probably did) will you be residing and wait for him to call you when you reach there. If he did not call you (which I think he will), call him after 2 weeks. You know the game a.z. ha ha ha ha....
Be kind and gentle to him when he initiates!! Good luck!! I am looking forward to read your updates!!
Hi a.z. it's good to hear that you're okay I think it's a good decision, in fact I would even make it until he contacts you. I've talked with my friend yesterday and it has made me realize that I should give myself more respect. I'd like to share it with you because we are all experiencing this painful feeling. You've given him so much to make this dying relationship work. You deserve better, if he is the one, he will come back to you. If after months or years of NC, if that feeling was true love, he wont forget it and he will come back. Cherish your moments together as a process of your life to improving yourself. You already know what to do, you've given people many advices that I would have. I know at times you'll feel down and miss him, when I feel this way, I look back at Kevin's latest email "The Art of Letting Go" haha, good luck a.z. wish you happiness.
Dara, thank you very much,every time i talk to you i feel really relaxed.i think it is about the positive energy you have all the time.and yes,you are right.he already knows when i'm gonna be there and he already asked me to go out but i said i'll let him know.thanks again buddy x
edward,
thank you very much edward,your sentences really impressed me.you are right.thank u.and i wish the same for you:)
a.z.,
Thank you so much. It's almost tomorrow and for the first time, I am more obsessed with this new girl and the psychological fact makes me happy.
I know that you have followed the plan really good till now but there are some facts that annoys you. I can understand that! I can give examples from my own relationship that made me not trust the promised that my ex made with me on improving relationship but did not fulfill it. I had lost my trust in her! But, I don't think that might be completely with your case. These last days before going to that town is hard. It will also be hard to wait for him to call you, but I think he will do it. I will be glad to hear what you feel everyday as I will also update you here.
Ed,
Unfortunately, I am not update with your story, but I believe you have done at least 30 days of NC and delivered the letter. This is also true about me. Had I respected myself more in that relationship, this breakup would never happen. I even asked her once. She said you are acting really manly, but I believe there were times that I chased her that I shouldn't have! I was too helpful that I shouldn't have been. As she mentioned before, I was spoiling her! LOL!! Update us buddy with you advancements!!
Thanks to both of you for being here!
i'm glad about the new girl dara, your ex is not the only one in your mind and it means you are dealing with the post break up really good.in fact,i feel the same way as you do.i swear i almost died the night i heard <>.he was crying but that didn't make the situation any easier.i don't know if i can ever forget the pain.i never showed him anything ,i didn't even text him once but those days i lost all my visions in every thing i believed in.he was always so nice and everything i ever wanted and it was too hard to handle that and let me be honest i was on the verge of suicide.i know it is so not me but thats really how i felt those days.i really lost my trust in him and i am really scared of getting back.i keep asking myself if he ask you to get back ,will you really accept it? and my answer is i dont know.i love him but i do hate to experience those horrible days again.
oops,i don't know what happened but was supposed to be: i almost died the night i heard we need some space from him.
Just want to comment and say it sounds like you are both doing great (Dara and a.z) in your own specific scenarios
I dont comment a whole lot as Ill only comment if I have a different or additional view to someone else..But sounds like your both doing great
Its really good to hear you thinking about this new girl Dara, thats DEFINITELY a step in the right direction. I wish I could be at your stage haha!
Same with you a.z. I keep thinking Im at your two's stage..but then I slip right back massively! ha....the dreams are the worst!!
Everyone says the pain does get easier and there are millions of people out there.
Think im going to throw a few inspirational meme's in here, which I saw on another girls fb wall who split up with her bloke...I think these are quite good and help me stay on track :)..Update: I can only find 2...there were more ha
"Sometimes you have to move on without certain people........If they're meant to be in your life, they'll catch up"
"Dont be afraid to rock the boat once in a while, If someone falls out then obviously they were never meant to be in your boat in the first place"
Keep going you 2 :)
thank you very much David. yeah i totally agree with what you said.i think , painful wanting =not getting what you want . relaxed let go=getting what you want.we should just let things go the right way and see what happens.keep us posted david.good luck :)
Thank you David for sharing those memes especially. Sometimes I fear that my guy won't catch up if I moved forth and I am by all means moving forward for my sake. I know there are billions of ppl out there but that's the magic of love, finding that special connection with someone, making you feel like you've met in a previous life that you're home to each other... not many ppl have that in their life. Yes, ppl get married because they think they love each other or maybe they need to settle or for whatever reason but I believe only a very rare number of ppl find that one soul mate and want to be with them for no other reason than pure love. I know we live in a materialistic world and often 'love' is irrelevant because life is filled with pressure and money and social status and political views etc... But at the end of the day it's what each one of us wants out of life that counts and what we value most. From personal experience, the meaning of life is only as good as reaching that unattainable happiness by sharing a life, a good life, with a someone you love. So yes, there's billion out there, I'm great and confident but I still want 'the one' - my soul mate, I can definitely live strong and be accomplished by myself independently but I still want him cos of 'love' and not because of loneliness or any other reason. Sorry for talking too much... But your every thought on this forum is valuable so thank you for sharing.
No, your right RIhanna and I think exactly the same as you.
Now Im a guy and Im not an "emotional" guy by any means, Im very patient etc and never show emotions, but Ive always thought there is a "one" and ive always wanted a "perfect relationship"...My friends cheat and im one of the "lads"...but ive never cheated etc
Reason why I agree with you is, My ex gf is my Best Friends ex, they were together for 6 years!...During those 6 years, he cheated on her constantly!...like I say I was one of the lads so I kept it quiet, but after a year or so of them been together. I developed feeligns for her and didnt like what he was doing to her...I kept it quiet etc. I also kept my feelings for her quiet during those 6 years...
I always thought we had a connection, then when they split, We started talking a year afterwards and then got together...I messed up badly...I didnt tell her what her ex did....but then I finally came clean about it all about 1 month ago. (we split 2 months ago) but I was trying to show her Ive changed etc and felt that she needed to know the truth.
Well see what happens, but yeah, I think people have the one out there. BUT I got told this by another ex's mother 1 time ,,"if your meant to be together you will be"...now we didnt get back together (THANK GOD) and it led me to my now current ex ;)
Its all good me telling you this....but I need to get this through my head too! haha x
David,
Thank you for your comment!
I truly loved those quotes! They are touching! Last night, I felt I am really heading into a transition phase. I hope its not temporary feeling. I also don't cheat! That makes it hurt a bit more, because you know you are a good man but apparently being good is not good enough!
a.z.,
Its great to hear that you feel the same. I believe getting into this phase gives you enough power to say "that's enough" when you think its the right moment. In my comments I always said that it was her but I should make it clear that its impossible. We both were guilty. This pain disguises the truth. Maybe I was more responsible. Who knows? Yet, no proof! Anyway, regret doesn't make better either! Your improvement from the point you mentioned to this point is really praiseworthy!
Rihanna,
I have been following you since the first day you came here. I remember most of you comments! You had great improvement! I am personally interested to know what Kevin thinks about us (I mean people who have come here over those many years). At first I thought my pain is terribly deep but when I came here, I saw some posts which that conveyed more than 2 people were hurt because of one breakup. I realized that this pain wasn't that deep. Probably I was stung by a mosquito but I was too weak to handle it! LOL
Finally, I also wished I had some response from her like you guys, but thinking that I will have multiple stages to go through to finally get my relationship to what it was in the FIRST WEEK, makes me think maybe I am lucky! ha ha ha ha...
a.z.,
She did not appear today! I don't know what the heck is going on! I give the highest probability to this chance that she does not want to be where I am.
I guess it is related to what happened last time! Last time: 30 days ago, she was fine but at some point I realized that in the meeting she got emotional (I can read that from her body language) and turn her face body slightly so that she would not see me! I thought its "dangerous" to talk to her in that situation. When the meeting got over, it was 3 of us. She started flirting to the guy next to her. I know that was not her type. So I said, "see you later guys" and came out! Surprisingly, they also came out in a minute. It was a proof for me that she just wanted to show me that she is flirting with this guy and had no pleasure in flirting with him. However, when they came out she saw me and her pace became so fast that this guy had to run after her! Apparently she get emotional when I am around but why doesn't she yield to it? (feeling confused) OMG, maybe she thinks that I am not the right guy!
Dear Dara,
i don't think if she doesn't want to see you.even if she doesn't want,i think its a good sign.she is not that strong to handle meeting you.dara i wish you could see her once without appearing needy so she could understand how good looking and charming and confident you are.but now,i think after 2 months you can send her the letter.i know she has blocked you from her facebook. but can you send it as a hand written letter? or as a text message?.darling, i really wish you all the best lucks in the world and i really get sad when you feel sad.but i think if you can't get to meet her at his office so the letter is the best choice.or even the something reminded of you text or when you say something made me think of you after a long time.i don't know why but i really do care about you and i wish you the best xoxo
there is one thing that i'm really sure about,that if she really can't handle meeting you,or being present at where you are,so she is definitely not indifferent to you.and that's really good.
Dear a.z.,
Thank you so much for comment. It really made me happy. Can't explain in words.
The fact is that if I obsess myself with such stuff, it means that I did not follow the NC really good. Though, I felt bad thinking about "why" but the fact is that this is not that bad in some scenarios. I don't want to talk again on something I have no clue, but I would like to say that we had this monthly meeting on the 2nd day of NC also. As it got over, she simply went out without saying bye to anyone. I guess she is confused how to act when I am around.
About the hand written letter, I sent it to her on around 35th day. It wasn't rosy but I loved its contents. It was short but I made it clear that breakup was for the best and (maybe I shouldn't have talked about this but no regrets at all in saying) that the harder we held on that relationship the harder was our frustrations and headaches.
I believe that she thinks that she is a mind-game champion. In this regard, I should admit that breakup was my victory because I accepted the breakup and mentioned that I will be happier now. Clearly she did not expect this. From mind game point of view, she blocked me on Facebook when I went to her house and apologized for my sarcastic response. She understood that I had feelings for her and blocked me to establish her superior mental game. My response was wrong. I started writing how I loved her after that for next 3 days.
a.z., don't worry about me. My mental health is good. Yesterday, we gathered to play volleyball. I drank some beer and laughed so much that I felt pain in my stomach. I know good days are waiting for me. I have been successful in my own way, and I am sure that I will be.
Today, I might see her. If things go well, I may start a conversation with her.
Thank you so much for your support a.z. Your presence here is priceless.
its really good to hear that you are ok:).now that you said about her behavior when you met her the last time,i'm sure she is not indifferent and if she is really hiding from you,she definitely has feeling for you.if i don't care about a person,so his presence means nothing to me and i'm all ok with that.i remember i was hiding from my ex for a long time. i did not even want to hear one word about him.and it was because i loved him so much and i couldn't handle anything about him.
if you already sent her the letter so its ok .you may meet her today,even if she doesn't appear again,doesn't matter.she cant be absent at her work forever.i think the best choice is to wait until you get to meet her so she can feel all the changes in you.can you find more reasonable excuses to go there after today? btw i really hope you meet her today.
a.z.,
Thank you so much!
My feeling at this moment is like my beloved song when I was a teenage; N'sync-"Its tearing up my heat".
For today, their office had organized today's football show with snacks, etc.
I saw her. Clearly, I was more handsome as a man than she is beautiful as a girl. She was not grumpy as previous times. But she avoided eye contact. She even avoided a meetup at the snack desk. I was cool. I watched the game and did not care much about her. I kept remembering those lines in the Death Door section, "She should feel that her presence is not important for me-I'm over. 2-3 months of NC, even more!". Her boss asked me questions about the rule of the game. She even asked me to take a picture of her and some students.
She sat behind me not because she wanted but their stuff/desk was there. Well, she had enough time to see me lost in the game. I concluded that she avoids looking at me not to prove anything to me but because probably she is dealing with something in her head. At the end of the game, I believe there was a very slight eye contact. ha ha ha... She is also good at pretending that she does not care at all.
Well, I headed towards gym and was welcome by a beautiful smile from the girl I talked lately. She made my day. In fact, I had talked to her about one month ago, in a desperate attempt to flirt with someone. I believe there has been some chemicals developed between us.
Conclusion: I don't know what I might be thinking about at night but at this moment, I think there will be a hard time with my ex girlfriend. I really can't imagine those days that I had become a "doormat". I afraid of see those days again. I would like to invite that cheerful girl for a lunch or dinner next time I get to see her but I am afraid that I start seeing my ex once again and say something like, "I'm sorry, I think I can't date with you anymore, but we can be friends" to this new girl later. It really not important if she is already taken LOL
So I'm feeling good now. Tell me how do you do a.z.? Any obsessions or confusions lately? Plus, thank you so much being here. If I didn't have virtual friends like you, by now I wouldn't have been this good. Thank again!!
i believe you acted really good.now she absolutely doesn't think of you as a needy person.and she is thinking if you don't care about her anymore.and this is really good.you can make a small conversation later.don't worry about asking the new girl out.have a nice time as friends.then see how your situation is.if you make sure that she is the one that you want to date her,then call it a date.you have been great till now:).and bout me,i'm going back the day after tomorrow.no these 2 days i haven't been thinking about negative things at all.i don't expect him to call or text me every day..lets see what will happen next.i really don't want to think about him all the time anymore.i want to continue my plan in a relaxed cool way,if he is supposed to get back and he really loves me he will.if he doesn't so he is not worth it cuz i believe i did nothing wrong at least for a long time.i lost one of my best friends tonight.when i think about him i feel like the world doesn't worth to be sad in it.moments are too short.none of us knows what will happen tomorrow.tonight i found that the depression we are dealing for our exes is nothing comparing to other terrible things that may happen in our lives.now i know yesterday i was really lucky that my biggest sorrow was missing my ex.
You are absolutely right a.z.! This pain that we had was not really big compared to many other pains! This pain is virtual! It does not exist in reality! Potentially, we could fall in love with anyone else. How did mine happen? I just saw a beautiful attractive girl and asked for her phone number. Eventually, fell in love! What if I saw another beautiful attractive girl?
Before my breakup I searched some sites on how do deal with it. Most of them defined it as an attempt to deal with the addiction! They said psychological symptoms are same! So, our pain was nothing but the addiction that we had to a drug called ex. Its cure is going cold turkey! Cure is going to gym so that you sweat out the addicting substances!
There are a lot of real pains in life! Losing friends or family members are one of the deepest ones, incomparable to the one we are dealing with. Imagine the hungry homeless people, their situation is so miserable that they don't give a shit to our lavish pain of losing some ex because they are already losing their real lives! You are right. Fortunately, our pain was/is shallow.
I am really glad that you are also doing good! Keep it up! Probably you will meet him sooner or later. Good luck a.z.! Keep updating us! Will be glad to hear more from you!
My ex and I ended up talking again yesterday and today. This came up in conversation and my ex ended up saying "there's nothing wrong with you. You could open up more and worry less about other people but other than that, looks, A+" he said if he didn't know me and just saw me out that he would think I was very attractive. So his attraction for me is still there. Our conversation was going well I thought but he started talking about the break up again and said "you weren't there. My feelings changed. Period. Damage is done it's too late." And "I don't need you anymore." He ended up telling me about the new girl he's been talking to and said they talk quite a bit and said "I don't know if it's flirting I don't been know what flirting is, we don't talk about our feelings so I don't know if we're on the same page. I don't know what I want."
What do you all think? Is it time I give up since he said damage is done it's too late I don't need you anymore? Although he did admit to checking up on my social media so I guess that means he kind of misses me or wants to know what Im up to? My plan was to meet up sometime this summer and build that attraction back but he made it clear he's still attracted to me so I would have to somehow tap into his emotions to see if he could feel something for me again, but at this point I'm not sure if that would work. I've mentioned little memories while talking and basically it did nothing. Or at least he didn't show that it did.
Rachel,
this is hard but you need to be cool.tell him that you respect his choice.be cool about the girl.control yourself.follow your plan.read ryan river's relationship rewind to understand the situation better.its not that much of a big deal.and don't think about his words.focus on yourself and your plan.
Hi Rachel,
You were doing well, you have the right mindset, I knew from your previous posts. Don't let his words screw up your emotions, you have to stay in a calm state. When you find that happiness from within, you'll realize you deserve better. You've already given so much in trying to make the relationship work, all of us had. Ask yourself, do you really deserve this. Take a little time off, reflect on yourself, let go a little, if it's meant to be, you'll get him back. I know you're strong, so stay strong.
Thanks a.z and Edward. I guess there's two kinds of hurt after the break up. The initial hurt from the break up itself and then when they start to move on. Even though my ex still looked at what I was up to on social media, I don't think he really got to miss me when I did no contact because he had this new girl keeping him occupied.
I had a girls night tonight and vented about everything since the break up, like what was said and everything, which did make me feel better. I know I deserve better. My ex has said a lot of hurtful things but it's hard because deep down I feel like this isn't him at all. I sent him an email tonight saying that I apologize for how I acted yesterday and today (I was being a bit obsessive about this new girl) and told him to have fun at the cottages. I just felt like I needed to leave things on a better note. I was doing really well before I found out about this girl, so now I just have to get back to that.
Hey Rachel,
I know how it feels. My ex is hanging out with someone else too. Even though she doesn't admit it, I know it's going on from hand holding to the way she texts him. It just isn't fair that they break up with you, and then have someone to keep them occupied. It's hard to accept the fact that they are with someone, and even if you do accept it, you still feel jealous and sad.
Here's how I would deal with your situation, I would stop worrying about everything he does and focus on your happiness. It's good that you left an apology to try and end things in good terms, but you really don't owe him anything. Right now, you have to keep up what you had before. If your ex really wants to be with you, he will contact you. During this time of NC, better yourself like you've been doing and don't worry about the other girl. I know it's hard, because I'm experiencing the same thing. But really, we've done as much as we can already to try and make it work, it's time to let go of the dying relationship and set them free from our control. The sooner you finish NC and find happiness without him, the sooner you will realize if he and you are meant for each other. This is a painful process, and the results will be unexpected, but if you can learn to accept any result, you will end up as a happier person. Good luck Rachel, you can do it!
Kevin,
I had commented on here about 3 months ago. Still haven't talked to my ex I wrote about much at all. Infact, I have been hanging out with a different ex. She's the one I would like some advice on. She is going through a tough time with family/money. I have been there for her through this tough time and helped her with the money issue. (not because I want to "buy her", but I felt I got a huge break in my life and would like to help someone else and feel good helping others.) Heres the deal. We hang out, we kiss, talk, text, snapchat etc. When we first started hanging out she said she didn't want a relationship due to all that is going on in her life. I respect that, but that was two months ago. We are going away for a night together next weekend. 1. should I make a move? finally just ask her out? I dont know what we are at this point. I know she talks to other guys and don't want to have this conversation if it's going to make me look needy. What is your advice? I dated this girl for almost 5 years. We split for about 4 and talked every so often. Thank you in advance.
Hi Jayme,
I don't see the harm if you don't seem needy. While you are out with her, I think it's most important to find the connection. If she feels comfortable and happy with you, I think you should ask her out. You've been friendly helping her and all, but make sure she has feelings for you. Where there's love, anything can happen.
Thought explain better as not been clear in other comments any help would be great x
Hey all,
I was in a relationship with a girl for only 6 weeks, but those 6 weeks were very intense and the attraction and connection was imenese. We met online.
During those 6 weeks we both fell in love and both came out to our family and friends. She has been in 3 relationships with men in the past, but always felt she was gay.
She said all the stuff off how, no one has made her as happy as I have, how much she gets butterflys and never wanted to kiss someone as much as me.
She used to be very hot and cold, and one day I said I can't deal with you being cold and best we end it if you are going to carry on being this way.
Anyway, it ended as she said fine your right. I tried to make contact to say I was sorry etc, but she did not reply, I tried to make contact on dating website and sent her a sorry card. A week after this she calls me to say stop contacting me, she wont change her mind, it's over.
So I accepted it and left her alone for 1 week, during this week I went back on the dating website. I then got a text to say, why are you contacting me if you are going on the dating website, you obv have moved on so stop contacting me, she also said I am not on there, but I thought I check and everytime I checked you are on there!
I asked her if she doesn't want me why is she so bothered that I am back on the dating website. She said it's none of her business and she knows I am not right for her.
I then said I will be at the train station near her house tomorrow if she wants to meet, the next day she texted me to say, 'please don't waste your time I will not be there, and she also said how jealous I used to try make her feel and she had all that with her ex and wouldn''t have that again (I never used to make her jealous by the way, she felt I did by a few comments I made about someone asking me out) she said no matter what her heart says she has to listen to her head, as that stops her heart getting hurt and in her mind it's over.
So do you think I have a chance? Do you thinkher heart will win?
Hi Lou,
Although your relationship had deep connection, it was still 6 weeks, it's hard to know her enough. I think you still have a chance though because she was attracted to you the first place. I think you should be cool about it and do NC. Don't worry about what she thinks, worry about yourself more. Improve yourself based on what you two used to have, find happiness without her, only then, will you win her heart. One of Kevin's advice from email was teaching me how to let go. It says that a relationship needs to have freedom, and it needs to be free from control to grow. Try to detach from the mind and let go of what you can't control.
Hi Lou I answered down below in case you don't find it here it is...
Hi Lou, Ok I think you should complete NC until this whole ‘jealousy’ thing blows over and it will! Also, try tell her what i told you about why you went there, just say I didn’t go to search for another relationship I’m not that type of guy and that you went on the site to reminisce and relive the beautiful moments you had together. Also, try not to make her jealous cos obviously she has issues with ‘jealousy’ from her previous relationship, I’m guessing she’s the type of woman who ‘needs’ full attention to herself so it’s gonna be hard for you to mingle with other women when you two get together. It’s up to you, but are you ok with restricting your social agenda and tip toe around a woman who has insecurity issues? Don’t take my word for it, but this could cause lots of problems for you two it’s best to resolve this ‘jealousy’ thing before entering into a serious relationship with her… Sorry Lou, I’d love to make all my comments rosey but friends make their friends see logic in all situations, and as a friend I felt a responsibility to do just that… Do NC and Good luck!
Thank you Edward and Rianna for your replies.
She is a very stubbon person, so I am not sure if she will ever come around?
She said she has to follow her head, as this protects her heart (does this mean she has feelingd still?)
Also when we first split up, she didn't even mention that I made her jealous, she said it was because I ended it for her being cold, but then a week later she mentions that she didn't like that I was trying to make her jealous.
So she has given two diff reasons.
She has made contact twice in 2 weeks, but not in a positive way.
Do you think 3rd time?
How do you think she is feeling x
Hi lou,
We are so concerned about our exes feelings that we tend to forget to think about our own. We always wonder what our exes are thinking and whether she will give us another chance. We think to ourselves, there's no way he/she are going to contact us because that's jusy the type of person they are.
To answer your question, will she contact you a third time, the answer is yes. I am pretty sure she is going to contact you again in the future if you do NC, but are YOU ready to handle it? Ask yourself all this time during break up, what did you improve yourself on. Even if she does come back, how long will she be staying by your side? Think about why the relationship ended. Can you show her that you will hold on to her forever if she gets back with you? The purpose of NC is mainly for ourselves and we are all going through this. Lou, just try not to think about her so much, and think about how you can better yourself. I know there's some attractive traits you have, that's why she went out with you the first place. Be happy, love yourself, I wish everyone the same.
Aww thank you Edward for your lovely words.
I know it is hard to think of that what is/if etc..
Why do you feel she will come back for the 3rd time and this time could it be in a positive way?
From all I have told you and the situation, what do you feel she is feeling at present?
Lou, it's really hard to tell what she's feeling at the moment, but I've learned it's more important of how you feel. She can either feel happy or sad, but either one of those wont make you feel better because if your are not truly happy, it really will not change anything. Time will make everything better, it will remove the negative thoughts and bring back the happy moments you two shared. So don't worry about what she thinks right now, worry on how you can improve.
I know that she will contact you back because by doing NC it will make her miss you more and wonder where you've been. In the end, its all about yourself, you have a decision to make too, not just her. And we have to learn this self respect by putting ourselves before our exes. Remember that we can't change how our exes feel, but we can change how we feel. When she contacts back, she will see this new you, and that's the best feeling.
Thanks, Edward
I hope your right and she does come back, I just know how stubon she is and its only been 6 weeks.
But she has already said she is following her head and not heart :(
Thought id give an update :)
This is from a few days ago...so im currently on Day #2 of my ex been at the festival...Holding strong so far :P...but we shall see!
So Basically on Monday after her 1 word joking insult and x, I said I wouldnt contact her until she did...well on that night she sent me a txt saying"Night night :) ill stop texting you soon haha x"
Soon as I read this my heart dropped! ....But before I had chance to reply..I got another text saying immediately saying"For 5 days ha x" (In reference to her going to festival for 5 days) Im thinking, it was because she read the text she sent and quickly realised how the 1st text sounded and she wanted to re-assure me it was only as shes going to the festival. Thoughts anyone?
Anyways, i responded with a "Night night x" and then a conversation started, she started asking questions like "Do I do your head in texting you? you never replied to my email? x"
To cut it a bit short, She apparently sent me another email on that Monday, (which i never received) but she said she did sent, and then she hinting and asking questions about me not wanting to talk to her (which we all know is NOT true;))
The conversation carried on..then to put it bluntly she complimented me (sexually) ha...then turned bit sexual and then we stopped as she said she was up early and didnt want to get too turned on haha
The next day I initiated contact with her not until late afternoon, and was just talking normal...then on the evening sent me a text saying "Sorry didnt reply, was busy etc" and then she messaged me on FB chat, asking if I could talk to her on there. had a few bits of normal conversation and then wished her luck for the festival and ended it there.
So all in all....I think its been going good!...We shall see what happens over the next week...shes not back until Monday.
I do feel a lot better in myself, even if she did find a new bloke etc...and feel this is a big step for me...as I did get slight insecure at her going to festivals etc whilst we were together, I did trust her, but used to make jokey remarks about her and them...and well..Now shes going to a festival whilst we split up...so if I can get through this..its a big step :)
Whatever happens, Happens, I feel confident and happy whether she contacts me after the festival or not...as I myself am going away in August for 2 weeks :)
Sounds very promising, keep your cool and good luck! xx
everything is great.i'm sure you can handle these few days.
Dear Everyone, this is the letter I wrote as promised for my artist "friend". Good Luck!
‘When you fall in love don’t assume that God is in your heart but rather ‘you’ are in the heart of God’-Kalil Gibran.
My Dear X,
I believe that God had finally embraced me into his heart the day he threw you my way. I hope you know I’ve never felt a love so deep and never did I acknowledge God’s presence in the way I did like every time we kissed.
I want you to know I respect and accept your decision to breakup though I wish you granted our relationship the respect it deserved and approached it in another way than to text “I’m out” then disappear despite your condition. But I am at peace with whatever happened in the past and I have moved on as I’m moving forward with my life.
My dearest, the purpose of this letter is a way for me to reach out to you and thank you from deep in my heart for every wonderful moment which I’ll cherish forever. Through your love I have grown to learn about myself and what ‘connection’ I would look for in a future husband. Because of you I can’t wait to be with ‘someone’ who will hold me, cherish me, kiss me, love me to the strength that you did and I know I’m capable to offer the same because that’s how much I loved you.
I apologize for the countless texts I sent you and for bombarding X with messages as well, if only I was worried about you. How are you? And how is your shoulder recovery?
I hope we could overcome this little hurdle and become friends again the way we met, and so we could spend days like that amazing one similar to the movie ‘Before Sunset’, or like October 2nd and spend a night in the city, dance to some guy playing the violin like nobody’s watching, or go to the beach like we did on my b’day, or have chicken in a classy area around the kids section lol, and I especially cherish the moment we had those amazing sandwiches at the back of your van and you still owe me a painting of that like you promised you’d do if we ever break up :P and now we have. You have to admit that we had an amazing friendship apart from being great lovers and I think it would be a shame to let go of that ‘rare’ connection even as friends. Don’t you think?
I can’t wait to discuss new ideas for poetry and art while having a BIG burger; or kick your butt in UNO card game; or paint all your clouds and people for you like the War-artist I am hahaha… I feel comforted that I’ll have a true friend in you because you promised to always be my friend no matter what and in return I promise to be the loyal friend you’ll love and respect. I want you to know that when I text or call you I’m expecting NOTHING from you but to share a memory or a laugh or a story or something new in my life. In fact, I have something special I can’t wait to tell you coz I know you’ll be happy for me
Lastly, I thank you for your generosity – you are a generous soul in every way possible. Thank you for your generous love. Thank you for your care, cuddles, and kisses (especially in the rain) and thank you for everything that you are.
Until we meet again (and I know we will, at least to get my books hahaha)
Your (nicknames which inspired his art)
it was amazing rihanna ,it actually made me cry :O .i really appreciate your beautiful feelings.
Rihanna, your letter touched my heart, it was beautiful. It has your true feelings and I know your ex felt the connnections and memories. I was surprised when I saw that date because that was the day when me and my ex first met, haha. Recently, before summer has started, on my birthday, we hung out at an amusement park. I could tell that her heart was elsewhere and it made me sad. The day before, I have also written my ex a letter. When we left the amusement park, I gave it to her in person and told her not to read it until she got home. After she told me she read the letter, I asked her that if we loved each other, why couldn't she give us another chance. She says that she needs to think about it. I could feel that she was warmer and friendlier when we had dinner. From that day on, I didn't feel as much distance from her.
My letter also had apologies in it too and the memories we've shared. When I wrote it, it was like writing a love letter haha. The feeling after delivering the letter felt like I was free, that I have let all of my feelings out. It's great that you shared your letter and great to see you happy. Thank you, I hope all goes well (:
Thank you AZ and Edward for your feedback. Edward I'm sure your letter spoke volume of your love and affection for her and at the end of the day I felt like the letter was more for us than it is for our exes... for me it felt like I've turned over a page in my life and it wasn't about him though I really wanted him to respond to it, just to give our relationship some respect. Good on you and I hope to hear more positive stories from you both good luck :)
Hi everyone! OMG OMG OMG! He CALLED me, yes you heard lol... anyway, with that letter I wrote he felt the need to call me but not only did he call and we spoke for an hour, he professed his love for me time and time again and I was insisting that we'd be just friends. That's right! he loves me and "I" want to be just friends and I put HIM in the 'Friendzone'. So, if anyone is interested to read my letter I'm happy to share it if you'd like to follow the format and wording. He also said he's taken my idea for his next project and he's doing it now and will email it to me :) ... He's asked me to accompany him for a holiday and naturally I declined cos 'it's inappropriate for now' but said in the future when 'I'M ready I might come to visit him :) ... so now we're friends, I'm happy... He said he's still sick and all but he sounds much better :)
I want to thank everyone who has helped me get through the tough times, funny thing is that I'm ok by myself and now that I don't think I 'need' him he's come to me! Thank you especially to Edward, David, Dara, A.Z, Ahmed, Daniel, Sarah, big thank you to Raed and the biggest thanks goes to KEVIN! you are a genius! I'm happy but today I woke up happy anyway :P ...
Btw I was so happy and confident on the phone and he said omg i actually miss you, I'm glad you're happy and I said "im always happy etc...' just to share ha!
That's great to hear!! I'm happy that it worked out, I hope all goes well to the both of you. If you need anything, come back here, Kevin and maybe some of us will still be here. Keep up with the happiness, life will follow as long as you stay happy. Congrats again!
Thank you Edward for all your support and encouragement... I don't think I have the heart to leave this site yet lol, I feel like I've made good friends, and my story isn't done yet I still have a long way to go... I look forward to reading about your progress as well :)
Hey Rihanna
Mind = Blown. That is fantastic news, I am so happy for you. Well done in following Kevin's plan, I was going to write a comment yesterday when I saw you had mentioned you had completed 30 NC.
Hopefully this is the start of something new and amazing with you and your friend (No longer your Ex :) )
Thank you so much Steve, I'm comforted with the idea of our friendship whether we end up in a relationship or not... I wish you all the best as well :)
Wow, thats really great News Rihanna,
Bet you feel amazing :)
Hopefully myself and others can post something very similar in the next few weeks :)
Congratz x
Thank you David, I felt really good after sending him the letter cos that was more for me than him really (and I told him that lol)... but yes, I feel relaxed that we're friends again regardless of what the future may hold for us. Good luck to you also, can't wait to read about your progress :)
Rihanna,
Hey!!!! How about a high five? Lol. I am so happy for you! Can you share with the fellows your letter?
See it worked! I was right at some point that he is just playing hard to get! I could never be any happier for you! Yes!!!
Yes Raed thank you very much cos you were right all along! Your words really kept me going I can't thank you enough... But I'm not leaving here yet, it's not over. I have many issues I need this site in my life hahaha... We're now friends but I'm genuinely happy to just be friends which is good... I pray for the day you get what you deserve, the best of all things ;) Good luck
Rihanna,
Hey! I am happy for you and we will be missing you here! Pray for us, will you? Haha!
I still hope you visit here sometime so that we could somehow help Kevin with the brokenhearted ones, but please I never want you to visit here having the same problem again.
I wish you well! And I am soooo happy for you! Really!
Congrats !!! What did you say in the letter I would love to know? xx
Rihanna,
congratulations,i feel really happy for you.its really great.wish u all the best.i think you can absolutely win him back.well done and good luck :)
Hi everyone, thanks heaps you are all such great friends, of course I'll share the letter I'll paste it very soon (after this message) but please note that I've replaced names with 'X' ... Also, an advice from me is to actually have something exciting to tell because he asked me what's the great news and I just said something normal very excitedly hahahaha... but whatever! enjoy reading my letter and I hope he's NOT on on this site reading it from me too hahahahaha... Big love to all
Wooo, looking forward to reading your letter, do you think you will get back into a relationship with him?
hey Lou, I don't really care if we ever get back together I'm happy to be just friends for now (who knows later), I know we're not supposed to mention the break up in the letter but I did subtly cos I wanted things off my chest regardless of his feelings, I have feelings too lol :P... I hope my letter inspires a lot of your exes to see what great people you are, and in the end we'll always find that 'someone' who'll love us unconditionally so don't settle for second best! Good luck xx
I was only with my ex for 6 weeks (was in a long term relationship nefore her which was almost 4 years) the last one that I was with for 6 weeks, meant more to me than my ex long term did. That says alot. 6 weeks girl felt I was out to make her jealous and reminded her of how she was treated by an ex, I am not the same person as her ex. Anyway I have made all the mistakes of contact, and she has said, even tho her heart says one thing, she has to listen to her head, as the head will stop the heart hurting and in her head its over, is that really it?
WOWWWWW!!!!
Congratulations Rihanna!! It's a great news!! Great job!! I am truly happy for you!! You have shown that will power and a good plan can be great assets in achieving close to impossible goals!
Congratulations again!!
Hi Lou, Ok I think you should complete NC until this whole 'jealousy' thing blows over and it will! Also, try tell her what i told you about why you went there, just say I didn't go to search for another relationship I'm not that type of guy and that you went on the site to reminisce and relive the beautiful moments you had together. Also, try not to make her jealous cos obviously she has issues with 'jealousy' from her previous relationship, I'm guessing she's the type of woman who 'needs' full attention to herself so it's gonna be hard for you to mingle with other women when you two get together. It's up to you, but are you ok with restricting your social agenda and tip toe around a woman who has insecurity issues? Don't take my word for it, but this could cause lots of problems for you two it's best to resolve this 'jealousy' thing before entering into a serious relationship with her... Sorry Lou, I'd love to make all my comments rosey but friends make their friends see logic in all situations, and as a friend I felt a responsibility to do just that... Do NC and Good luck!
Thank you Lou and Dara.
Lou, it's not about the time spent that counts it's about the love and connection you had for each other. My ex was in a 4 year relationship too before me but he's always said that he 'liked' her but with us we had an immediate connection, something very rare and deep. If your ex felt the same way as you with that 'rare' connection then I find it hard to believe that she'll move on that quickly regardless of 6 weeks or 6 decades! But in your case I wouldn't do NC for a long time, NC shouldn't be much longer than the entire relationship so in your case, you have to show improvements in yourself faster than expected. 30 days is plenty of time to show that you've changed and hopefully you are concentrating on yourself. Good Luck! My ex and I are now just friends and that's plenty. I'm doing NC for a week or two to test if he'll text or call again lol, if not I'll text him 'something reminds me of you' in a week or two... May god help us all!
Rihanna many thanks for your reply.
I hope she does come back, as it was only 6 weeks there was something so strong between us and we both come out to our parents friends etc..
But she says that I was out to make her jealous (which I wasn't) and that she had all this from her ex, so feels like she is comparing me to her ex?
This is what happened......
'even tho I have delted my profile of the dating website, I still went to check your on there and everytime I look your online, so why are you messaging me if you have moved on' (So why is she checking me up on dating website if she doesn't want to know?)
I then said I will meet her and wait for her, she then said
'Please don't turn up I don't want you wasting yout time, and about following her head, even tho her heart is saying something else'
To me it seems she still has feelings, but is fighting them and also why is she comapring me (what feels like) to her ex, as she keeps going on about how jealous I am making her feel (which I am not) and not even giving me a chance to prove I am not the person she thinks I am.
So I have started NC, but if she is saying her heart is telling her one thing, but she is listening to her head, as this stops her getting hurt, will her head win?
Hi Lou from what I gathered you met your ex through a dating website then she caught you checking it again even after you've been dating her? and now she's blaming you for making her jealous like her ex used to...? am I right? well if I am, first of all I think it's only natural for her to see things in you that will remind her of her previous relationship because your union of 6 weeks is still at the beginning and fresh. It will take time for her to make 'you' her home and be comfortable completely with the idea of you two before she shuts off her ex. I think it's because she's still hurting from her previous relationship she's still bit scared, and women usually feel scared most when they feel like they're falling in love with the guy. I repeat, women will feel scared when they're falling in love with the guy. So, it's not a bad thing at all that she feels that way and that she didn't say 'you're completely opposite to what my ex is' because that would sound like a rebound relationship, ppl tend to search for a complete opposite direction when they are in a rebound, I read that in an article somewhere. Anyway, next time she mentions why you were on the dating site still you can be gentle in your answer and say: "I only went back because for me, that site is a place where I found the purpose of my heart, I only love that place because of you , because it lead me to you... for me, all the women in the world are in one place and you alone live with me, you stay with me wherever I go, and wherever I look, I can look upon a million beautiful woman but 'see' only you' That way you profess you loved her (I'm using past tense here, cos this should be done after your NC) also, it's gentle so that if she's willing to walk away she'll do it realising she' s 'lost' you rather than 'dumped' you... But please don't take my advice until you check with KEvin cos I am NO expert by all means... Afterall, I'm here and have lost a love too :( ... Good luck xx
Hi thanks for your reply,
After we split I went back on the dating website and she got annoyed with me for this, how can she if she doesn't want to get back with me? I don't understand? She has blocked me on all forms of contact :(
And sorry yes met on dating website, and when we split, I went back on and she was checking up on me to see if I be on there even tho she says she doesn't want me and delted her profile.
I am confused
Hello everyone!!! I feel GREAT today! He texted me last night. He asked how was my daughter (she's not his biological daughter), which was thoughtful, but never asked how I was doing. I kinda feel like this is his way of comm with me. Anyway, I revealed the truth about how much she misses him. He texted how much he's suffering being without her. He keeps telling me that its for the best bc things may get complicated in the future. I hate it. He repeatidly complains but does nothing about it. Well, last night I basically let it out without remorse. He started telling me what he thought was the core problem to our relationship, such lame excuses that dont justify our breakup, in my opinion. He has good points but he seems to be putting blame on me... kinda like wanting me to feel guilty about something I said. Im guessing it's his way of justifying his behaviors. I wasnt having it. When it was my turn to express myself, he cut me off. At the end I felt peaceful bc I think I layed it out. He wants to meet up to further discuss it. I will... but I've decided to do NC until I feel im strong enough to meet him. I feel strong and want to maintain that way.
Hi,
That's good to hear that you are doing well. When he blames you, try to step back and understand him. There must be a reason why he is like that, and that is part of the reason why you two broke up. It's good that you are using NC to feel stronger about yourself, but also you should step back and reevaluate your relationship. Find out your mistakes in the relationship and try to fix it, by doing so you'll show him that you've really changed and it increases your chances.
Hi all,
Yesterday was day 19 on no contact for me, but something came up that I had to ask my ex about. It was around 11 so I texted him asking if he was still up, even though I knew Monday nights he is at hockey. He replied saying he was just leaving hockey and asked "what's up." After two minutes of not responding he texted right back "ok" as if I was supposed to respond right away to his text. Anyway I asked what I needed to ask, he answered. We then started talking. He brought up something that he could have only seen from looking at my twitter account, even though he doesn't have twitter. He admitted he had been looking at it. He ended up bringing up the break up and what caused it and was kind of getting angry about it. When guys bring that up isn't it sort of like a good sign, that he's listing off that stuff maybe in order to make him feel better about his decision?
Anyway I felt like I was at a good place so I ended up telling my ex some of the stuff I would have written in the letter. I mentioned that I thought this was for the best in the long run (which is what he also said during the break up) and I apologized for pushing him to get back together. He repsonded asking what I meant by saying that, and said it wasn't unfair of me for pushing him to get back together, he said I was doing what I needed to do.
Also while he brought up the break up he mentioned that he will never give me a chance again because he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to let him down again. For those of you who don't know - my ex and I broke up because he was living in a different city and I was working a lot so we didn't see each other very often. He felt like I left him alone and that I wasn't there for him, so he lost feelings, and now does not want to give me another chance because he thinks I will let him down again. We dated for six and a half years. I responded saying that I know nothing I say will change his mind, but I just wished he could see me in a new light and not for the mistakes I made (not going to visit him and making him feel alone).
This morning he texted me and said he read all my messages because he does care about me and he knows this is hard for me and he respects me. He told me that I'm a great girl and that everything about me is great but at the end of the day his feelings changed. I found out he's "talking" to a new girl. A friend of his roommates. They're going to a cottage this weekend with a few friends. Hearing that made me feel sick to my stomach because it hasn't even been two months since the break up. She is 24 and my ex is 22 as am I. I hope nothing comes from it. Last night she followed me on twitter and immediately unfollowed me, which was a little obvious that she was looking at my profile and accidentally hit the follow button. So that's what I asked my ex about, if he knew what that was all about, since I've never met her or anything.
After he broke up with me he said that if he had a new girlfriend that if she didn't respect a six year relationship and me being in his life, that she wouldn't last long. My ex said he still wants me in his life and says we will be close. So last night I asked my ex if that still held true. He said yes but that he believes that both could coexist. I told him I felt like I've changed a lot since after the break up and I feel like I'm at a place where I can talk to him without always begging to get back together. However I did say that I'm not ready to hear about this new girl or anything like that (as I still would like to get back together with him). He said he's still making adjustments and doesn't want my name popping up if he's talking to another girl or out with a girl and they see and they ask who I am, because he said it's a little premature for that because he's still getting used to everything.
He said I deserve to be adored and that he wants me to be happy. I asked if he was happy and he responded. "Yeah I am. I'm a little torn up at times but I'm generally happy" although last night he said "never said I was happy" in response to me saying "good I'm glad you're happy." He also mentioned that he's still getting used to everything and trying to adjust. I asked if he would be up for getting a coffee to catch up sometime in July. He said "I know it sounds fucked but I'm pretty busy. _____ cottage this weekend and then ____ is coming home so I'm going to his cottage." Then he said this in a separate text, and I'm not sure if it was a continuation from "I'm going to his cottage" or if it was a separate sentence: "after so we can spend more time together." He then began talking about his training for hockey and telling me about it. I ended the conversation by saying I had to get going and I said don't be a stranger. He responded "likewise."
I was just wondering if anyone had some insight on this? I mean I think it's good we were able to talk like that and some of the things that were said were good. Are there any signs? I honestly think the cause of the break up could be easily fixed with a simple talk about everything and working to improve, but it's the fact that my ex lost feelings and doesn't want to try again that is hard to get around.
Should I occasionally text him as a friend? Try and ask him to meet for coffee and maybe lunch or something more if coffee and everything goes well? I would like to try and build back the attraction and I would like to try to make him see that I can be there for him and that I won't leave him to feel like he's alone and I won't let him down, but I also don't want to come across that I'm ALWAYS just going to be there as a friend when I do want more.
Hi Rachel,
You're definitely heading the right way, contact him once a week to hang out. Look your best and attract him, show him that you've changed. While you are with him, don't initiate anything, I'm sure guys he will. Look for signs of him trying to hold your hand or touch you. It may mean he misses you and start to hqve feelings for you. After a couple times of hanging out, you'll want to let him initiate, so do NC until he does or you feel like it again. Just remember, it has to be his idea to get back, not just yours. Trigger his emotions by bringing up good memories you two had, it has been 6 yrs, theres lots of happy moments, I know it. Good luck.
Rachel,
I know how hard this is,knowing that your ex is seeing someone else but you should be cool.don't show any obsession over her.since you two had a really long term relationship,i think there must be a strong bonding between you and it still exists.don't say anything about getting back together.don't show him that you want him back.this is not easy at all,but you have to show him that you have moved on.let him know your improving something in your personal life.let him see that your doing well without him.don't blame the breakup on yourself.each of you had a personal life and he should have respected that.the reason that you broke up is loss of attraction for whatever reason,and its not that hard to re attract a guy who was attracted to you once for a long time.tell him you respect his choices and wish him the best.don't ever say a bad thing about that girl.its not even a relationship or dating and even if it is,its more probably a rebound.use your facebook more to show him you are having a great life.be happy.this is really attractive to him.let him see you are meeting new people.don't bring up anything about the breakup,negative or bad memories while talking to him.keep the conversation sweet and short.once you become confident and happy and act like you have moved on,meet him.act like you are just friends and try to have a good time.the more you act like friends and avoid being romantic,the more romantic he will be later.show him you absolutely don't need him in your life to be happy and this will make him think about the breakup decision again.don't let him be sure that you are always there for him and don't always initiate contact first.let him chase you sometimes.
Good luck
Thanks Edward and a.z. I plan on waiting about a week or so until I contact him again, at least until his cottage trips are done. We left things off on good terms the other day we talked, so who knows maybe he will text me.
One thing I forgot to mention in my previous post was that when my ex was talking about the break up and talking to this girl he said "at the end of the day I just want to be loved." And also said (about the girl) "we talk. I don't know if it's a thing."
I'm confused as to why he said at the end of the day he just wants to be loved, because it's not like I ever stopped loving him while we were together. And he knows that I do love him and can make him feel loved. But I guess I can't focus too much on what he meant by that or else I'll drive myself crazy!
Rachel,
You're right, don't focus on what he thinks, it's better to use that effort on yourself. Whenever I think about what my ex is thinking, it drives me crazy lol, I would have these assumptions that aren't true, and even if they were, there's nothing I can do about it. So do changes on the things you can control and let go of the others, let time do it's job and be grateful with what's given. Continue with your plan, good luck!
Hi Kevin, an update on my situation. My ex and I have been in touch but only via text. He's talked a lot about the future and how he's trying to become a better person. He talks at length of his plans (but doesn't involve me). There have been a couple of times when we've brought up good memories. But somehow I get the feeling that he's testing me. Today, I mentioned that I hoped I was going to be invited to a friend's wedding and he said cool, it's a good place to meet men ;-).
I replied that that hadn't even crossed my mind (and it hadn't). I'm not sure how to respond to him. Please could you advise?
Thanks
Hi Chloe,
I think him telling you about his future is a good thing. He is comfortable talking to you about his personal life. I would try 1 week of NC and see if he would ask you out, if not then you ask him. While with him, don't seem needy and don't mention about getting back. Do this a good amount of times and let it be his idea to get back, good luck.
Thanks Edward :) The text chat followed on...and I told him that I still had feelings for him. He was baffled, but then later on in the day he asked to meet up sometime. Not sure how it will go...we shall see!
That's great to hear, good luck!
Hey Kevin,
oh man, I don't know what to do here. My ex and I had a big talk about what we are doing. Basically, he said he likes what we have now because there is no neediness and he doesn't feel pressure to talk to me all day everyday. He thinks that if we get back together then we will go right back to the way it was. I tried to explain to him that things have changed and I didn't see or talk to him for awhile, therefore I am not as attached as I once was and that if we dated then it would be exactly like it would be right now. If we have to go 4 or 5 weeks without seeing each other because he has to work then I am okay with that. We concluded we are both confused. But ever since then he has made a few comments about if we date again.
How do I get out of this "friendzone" type area and make him see that we should be dating?
Hey Jaici,
I know it's hard, but you basically have to reattract your ex. Telling him that it will be the same as where you are at now even if you two are together defeats the purpose of getting back together. Make it his idea to get back. To get out of this "friendzone" you have to show him that you like him more than a friend, at the same time, not seem needy. I will take time to attract your ex back, do things that you had before to bring up memories of the great moments you two had. You've attracted your ex once, that's why he was with you the first place, so there's no reason why you can't again! Whatever you do, don't show signs of neediness, good luck.
Hey Edward ,
Thanks for your advice, let me fill you in a bit more on my situation. I know my ex is still attracted to me. If you read my previous posts, you will find that I was in a long distance relationship and he broke it off because the distance became too stressful, not because he lost interest in me. He still tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and all that stuff. If I lived in his city, he said he would date me again in a heartbeat. However, I won't be in his city for 2 more years so that's not gonna happen. When we had our big meet up, it was like nothing had changed. He was all over me. So I know he still loves me. The problem is, I am not needy like I once was and he loves it, that's part of why he won't date me. He thinks that if we date, I will change back into the needy old me. I don't know how to show him that regardless of whether we are dating or not, I will not be the needy person I once was so that he will be with me again.
hey,
i think you should keep cool and continue acting like this.don't bring anything about the breakup or getting back together.show that you are absolutely ok with this.let him know your improving in your personal life.care about your goals and let him know that you care about his goals in his personal life.keep the conversations sometimes short.let him doubt about your strong feelings for him.he doesn't have to be sure that you are still there and want to get back with him.meet him again after some time and create the scarcity.this means that you act the way that he feels your presence might be over cuz you are losing interest in getting back and maybe you are attracted to someone else.he doesn't have to be sure that you are dating someone.read ryan river's relationship rewind to understand more about this.
Good luck
I agree with a.z., couldn't have explained it better than her haha. In these two years you can still maintain contact with him, but realize that it's long distance again. I hate to say it, but there is a chance that he might find someone else instead of waiting. I think you have to be prepared for this situation, which is why doing what a.z. suggested would increase your chances. Remember, if anything happens that makes you feel down, only you can change that feeling.
Alright so I'm trying the distancing myself thing out, and so far I ended the conversation after about 15 minutes saying I was going to watch tv. He guessed what I was doing straight away. I'm not sure how, but he knew. Anyways, I denied it but I'm going to keep it up and hopefully it works abit. Wish me luck ! I'm sure I'll be back
Thank you Raed, Edward, Az and Dara for your support and your encouragement. I know he's still feeling down and wouldn't want to talk while feeling this way but I'm not sure I want to live my life around that and waiting... Not that I am hahaha... He can have all the time that he needs, I feel like by writing and sending him the letter I've turned a page over in my life and I'm very proud of what I wrote, I know he'll think about me and 'us' time and time again. Thank you everyone who's ever advised me I feel like I made many friends on this site and you've always made my healing process easy. I have a strong feeling that when he's all better he'll get in touch with me but that won't happen for few months... I still have my stuff at his and he's not responding, what does that mean?
Hi Rihanna,
If you really want those things back you can try and contact him to get it back. If you don't want to wait, he isn't telling you to. You could move on without telling him. It's hard for me too, I just want my ex to tell me to move on, but at the same time I still want to be with her. I think it is better to leave lines of communication open so thay incase an opportunity comes, there is a door open.
Hi Edward, yes you're right he did ask me when we first broke up what I want to do with my stuff and I said 'chuck it out!' cos i was angry. but then i asked him to keep my books at his and he said in a short message 'will do' and That's the last thing he's said to me. He rang me a week after break up and said 'move on' but he was sooo depressed and i guess every breakup is a "move on" message but the ones who came here on this site are the ones who don't want to take on that message and try to get back what once was... He's also leaving communication door open but why? why won't he delete my number?
Hey Rihanna,
It's hard to say really, when my ex is holding hands with some other guy, why can't she just tell me so that I can move on? Or the time when I asked her why couldn't we have another chance if she says she loves me? I just couldn't find out the reason, the more I thought about it, the more it frustrates me.
From my experience, I think it's better not to know why your ex is behaving the way they are. If you put all the effort on improving yourself instead of wondering why, the chances of getiing back together are better. Do you really want your ex to delete your number and does it really matter that much? If you want to move on, do you really need his permission to? You can only change and control yourself, let your ex do what he wants. When things are sorted out in his mind, maybe he'll tell you or maybe he won't. You are more important, so try to ask yourself why are you thinking about how he thinks. By changing your attitude, you can influence those around you.
Thank you Edward, you are right! I'm sorry to hear about your ex you seem like a really nice guy. But you're right it's very hard to move on although deep down we all want to just be happy so we think we want our exes back cos that's what made us happiest last... I just want this hurt to go away but every time I think of the time we spent together I want him back! We went from Bliss to Death door in a day! that's the really hard part... at least you have some communication with your ex so you know something about what she's up to... I know my ex is not having a great time cos he's sick but it's hard because I never hear of him or from him, the only time I saw something about him was a week ago when he posted on fb that thing we worked on together... I hope it all works out for you. May I ask how old you are?
Hi Rihanna,
Thanks, I always try to be nice, I turned 24 recently. Yeah, it's hard because memories keep coming back, but I think it is hard for them too. I don't have much communication with my ex actually, we go to the same college, but it is summer and she is 2hrs away and she never initiates contact, but I try to stop thinking about what she's thinking because I am more important and I have to be happy without her. We were all single before and we were happy once even withour our ex's, so I know we can continue to grow and find happiness one way or another. Everyday that goes by without my ex, I feel accomplished because I ask myself, what have I done today that made me happy? I just can't wait for tomorrow and what life has in store for me. None of this was easy at first, it takes time to realize how unique each one of us really are, to appreciate with what we have and to learn from our mistakes.
Rihanna,
I have some small stuff like deodorant and some free tickets to some restaurant with my ex girlfriend. She is supposed to have a top with me, but I discarded it when I got her email about breakup. Well, she didn't ask me about her tank-top or she didn't tell me to take those small stuff back! About me, one chance is that she thinks they are too worthless to initiate contact for and the other chance is that as you said, it keeps the doors open for another conversation.
Today, I realized that it is my 60th day of NC. I have changed a lot! Yesterday, I was thinking about a new relationship in a week or two, though at night all images vanished and my ex girlfriend appeared again.
Thanks to her for blocking me on Facebook, I don't stalk her at all! I have seen her randomly here and there. Just like me, she has also made a lot of physical improvements on herself! Yet, I try not to think about her because after all I have no proof for anything!
I am also happy that you have gone to a phase that you are now talking about moving on! 30 days ago, you were only talking about hardship of NC and how desperately you want to get in contact again!! I believe you should congratulate yourself on this independent feeling!!
Hi Dara, First of all congratulations on your 60 day NC, it feels liberating after 30 so I'm sure it feels twice as great for twice as long. I'm glad you're moving on as well, I just received a letter from kevin about Abundance mindset and I quite enjoyed reading it. There are 'abundance' of opportunities out there for you, once you are happy with yourself and confident girls LOVE that most about men, that they can be confident with themselves no matter what they looked like but especially if they took pride in their looks and jobs and families etc... The basis for a healthy relationship is to have that healthy relationship with yourself first, and that's what I've learnt from my NC. Now, that my 'ex' did call me and I was surprised how un-emotional I was with him on the phone that I was just being myself, loving myself, I no longer have that feel of neediness or attachment, yes of course I can be happy and build a life successfully without him though I must admit, having him 'around' me feels a lot better... It's nice to have a confidante in life and for now that's all he is to me and i to him, friends and confidantes. One day, love will come your way and will make you extremely happy that you'd wonder whether you've ever wanted your ex back because of love or loneliness? Go out and live, stop chasing shadows... good luck to you... I hope we all find the love we deserve :)
Rihanna,
Once again I congratulate you on your achievement! Great!!
Yeah, 60th day feel a lot different from the 30th day! On 30th day, I still had a feeling that there is only one girl on the planet earth! Apparently, the story is changing now!
Keep updating us Rihanna! Best wishes!!
I'm happy for you Dara, I know what you mean I'm still bit attached to him but strong enough not to show it and go on with my own life. Today I went shopped til I dropped lol and I'm mingling more socially so I feel good about myself. I sense that he feels a loss towards me but it might be wishful thinking haha... Anyway, you're a great guy and deserve the best girl, and yes there are plenty waiting for you :) Good luck!
Rihanna,
I am also happy for you! I know how hard it is, but I believe at this moment you have the courage to do it in style!! Good luck for you!! Please update us more and more!! Thank you so much!!
Hey Kevin:
I hope your time off was good. I've commented several times before. I did about 9 or 10 days of no contact, as requested. So after that I sent her one of the texts about how we went to a college world series game and took the boys she was babysitting, and how it was a fun time :) . But she didn't respond. I became upset with her because of this. She could at least tell me that she wasn't ready to talk, but no. She just refuses to acknowledge that we ever knew each other. So while my friends and I went out to the bar to watch the world cup almost a week later, she and her best friend showed up (they were invited, I just didn't know about it). She sat as far from me as possible, and she and her friend were texting each other the whole time from across the table. I thought this was really rude (there were only 6 people there, so it's not like they couldn't just talk across the table - they were talking about something that they didn't want to share to the rest of the group). She would hardly even look at me. She wouldn't respond to anything I said, even though they were just comments that anyone could have responded to. And everyone did, except for her. She later invited all of us to her house to hang out around her fire pit. I wasn't too excited about the opportunity (as she was not excited to invite people while I was around), but they're MY friends so I decided I can hang out with them if I want, even if it's at her house. I showed up, had another drink or two and then left after about an hour and a half. She seemed better there. She would look at me, even when I was not talking occasionally and she occasionally (but not frequently) added something to what I said. I have no idea what any of this means. I noticed that even though she wasn't dressed up that night, I thought she looked beautiful (something I didn't tell her enough when we dated). Anyway, acting like this was something that she had never done before, even before we were dating. It's like something inside her changed. She also was kind of mean to one of my friends (though jokingly), which is NOT like her at all. She was always so sweet, and so kind and caring. She always tried to say and do the right thing. What has happened?
I've always played it cool and pretended to be completely fine with the breakup now. I've made an effort to mention things that are different about me when talking to my friends, and I've just been going out all the time trying to have a good time. So, long story short (just wanted to give a lot of details that might help you analyze what is going through her mind), what do you think of this? What should I do next? Thanks in advance.
Btw, I never mentioned I saw a pic of the two. I'm positive he knows. Please help.
Hi,
Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't, but does it matter? You have to be cool it and act as if that guy isn't there to keep you from getting your ex back. If you feel like, you are free to go on dates as well. The idea is to attract your ex more than she can. I wouldn't ask if he is in town, let him initiate, it has to be his idea to get back. If he doesn't contact you, I would do NC for 1 to 2 week (depending on how happy you feel) and then try asking him to hangout, using an example text above. Good luck!
(Again) Hello everyone!!! I feel like an idiot. I did the NC for a month and we've texted. Last week he went on vacation and I saw him take a pic with another girl. She sat on his lap. I was crushed but remembered what kevin mentioned about not taking it personal. Well I did. I texted him that my friend saw him the night he was with her. I never revealed the truth but insinuated it. He acted cool and I did also but a bit cold. I ended the convo with good night and he didnt respond. Should I text him asking if he's back in town? I dont care what the msg is. I just want to let him know im not angry. Or should I let him initiate a convo.?
i think you'd better go on NC again until he contacts you and then play it cool.or you can send him a funny joke or picture(but nothing personal) to show your not mad at him.then again wait for him to initiate contact.
Hey,
In order to that you are not mad at him you can do a couple of things
1-If you have him in your Facebook, you can share some funny (even prank) clips or videos with titles like "its so funny, it really made my day" or things alike!
2- For for dinner with some friends somewhere and again make a Facebook status, like "I had a great day".
3- About what a.z. said, if you had friendly conversations lately, you can do send the joke.
Hello everyone!!! I feel like an idiot. I did the NC for a month and we've texted. Last week he went on vacation and I saw him take a pic with another girl. She sat on his lap. I was crushed but remembered what kevin mentioned about not taking it personal. Well I did. I texted him that my friend saw him the night he was with her. I never revealed the truth but insinuated it. He acted cool and I did also but wi
DARA,
i saw your last post too late as well.don't worry.you'll get another chance to meet her.trust yourself.you have been acting really good.and i don't think that kevin would do that for only a couple of us.we can use our emails to do this.
No problem a.z.! Thank you for your reply here!! I am feeling great! Did I tell you that I go to gym and swimming pool 6 days per week? Endorphin that brain naturally secretes keep anyone mellow! I'm becoming Narcissist!! LOL!! Plus, I had small accomplishments recently that makes me feel good about myself! Hope for some other makes me more hopeful about my future! So, I truly find no reason to not be happy! I hope this positive energy that I've acquired lately get transferred to her!
Will update more a.z.!! Thanks again and TTYL!!
That sounds cool dara,i'm so happy for you. she definitely can sense the positive energy when you get to see each other.i'm already feeling it so i'm sure she will.
a.z.,
Today was also great!! Girls around boosted my ego higher! LOL!! Have you seen the movie "The picture of Dorian Gray" -Product of 1973? Sometimes I feel like I can be the main character of this movie!! ha ha ha... No, I can't just kidding! But it is available on Youtube, if you haven't seen it! BTW: I will wake up one day and see that my ex girlfriend will say,"Didn't I tell you to get out of my life forever??" LOL!!
Thanks a.z.!! It's really great leaving comments for you and hearing about you!!
hahaha,no she won't say that.i just read the movie's summary and i'm watching it right now:D .its really good too be in touch with you too.feel like i made new friends and its amazing. we are all cool people,why in the world our exes wouldn't want to get back with us? :O :)))))
a.z.,
Thank you! I believe I come here a lot more times than Facebook! Probably because I have virtual friends like you who would understand where I am! Plus sharing a little of this on Facebook is really killer shot!
I should have introduced 2009 version of this movie but I couldn't find it on Youtube. Probably its copyright probably valid. The 1974 product is more classic while 2009 is a lot more modern with ruthless scenes and modern camera techniques while minute changes in the story!!
a.z.,
Today is my 60th day! I feel a lot different from my first few weeks! I remember on the fourth night of NC, I felt so much missing her that I just walked 1 hour to her apartment just to see her apartment and come back!
Since our breakup and before breakup days were sort of nasty, I believe she had grudge on me for a long time after the breakup. I don't know how she might feel about me but last night I was thinking that I should somehow initiate contacts with her this week. I have a good pretext to go to her office and ask her for a document. About the test message, I am a bit worried about her hardheaded and stubborn personality. Probably she'll look at it and say, "I've made my mind not to contact him again and I will no break it". Plus, my personality is such that when I am in face to face contact with someone, I act better than on text messaging. I can at least read the body language.
What do you suggest? Should I go to her office or should I wait for this weekend?
Dara,
i suggest you to go to her office.look the best way as possible,be confident and have a smile on yourself make a small cool conversation with her and then get involved with other people around,don't stay there too long.don't look at her after or before the conversation but be a happy positive person when you are talking to others.even if she doesn't want to think about you she will. ( i'm only saying this for you to make you sure that even in the worst case she will think about you,your appearance and your behavior. there is this guy that i broke up with a couple of years ago,i never had strong feelings for him and long before the break up i was indifferent to him,he lives in the same city as i am now,i saw him the other night,he looked really good,he was happy and even though i'm in love with someone else i kinda wondered what made me breakup with him? ).and about what you think about her, saying that she's made her mind. tbh i think breakups has nothing to do with logic most of the times,i mean when it comes to emotions,its all emotions.she can't say that she won't be answering your texts because she is logical and she made her decision logically.i think when you show up looking good,without paying her a special attention,then again disappear for a little while and then go back using the texts,i think she will respond.you should choose the most proper text to arouse her emotions then i'm sure she will respond to it.
i meant smile on your face:D ,and dara congratulations for having 60 days of NC done.you did an amazing job.you should be proud of yourself:)
A.Z.,
Some blackout happened in my head! I didn't get what you mean the first time I read your comment!! Her office will close in an hour or two! I'm going to watch a football match in an hour and then head towards gym! I should think over it tonight! This pretext is my last shot to see and talk to her in person, unless I think over another pretext! LOL
Unfortunately, my ex is lazy! She wakes up around 10 a.m. and goes to her office around 12-1 (you better know student jobs are usually 20 hours to 60 hours per week). I am usually high in the mornings and evenings- not noon!! ha ha ha...
Thank you being available most of the time!! Truly appreciate it!
A.Z.,
Thank you for you wonderful comments!! The fact is that she has blocked me on Facebook since 62 days ago! No Facebook options! Though I have put a couple of wonderful picture on my Facebook!! With "likes" probably 4-5 times her maximum ever likes on her pictures, with comments like "You look so smart", "Handsome", etc. I know best of me is much better than best of her in most of the dimensions, but I still like her and won't take her for granted anymore.
Probably, the feeling of "I want her ASAP" developed in me when I realized that today is the 60th day! I truly don't want to waste my time more than 90 days on her! Also, I have developed a feeling lately that every minute I waste on her, a romantic day with potentially another girl is gone!
I leave the office option for the next week on the condition that, I couldn't "drag" her into a conversation this weekend. So far I was cool! I hope that I maintain it this weekend too! Just 3 more days to go!
yeah i totally understand you,i remember the 30th day of my NC that day i had a sea of emotions and i have no idea what made me stop contacting him. doesn't matter if she blocked you on FB this is due to 2 reasons :
1) worst case scenario :you contacted her alot,you have been acting really needy and that made her feel uncomfortable.
or
2) best case scenario: you did something that she got too sad or angry and that made her do this.
if its the first case now after 60 days of NC she probably forgot about that feeling and she may be wondering if you still have feelings for her or not.
if its the second case this is a good thing,she is not indifferent and after a while of NC you can change the situation by showing the new you and reminding her of the good memories of the past.she doesn't have to feel any pressure at all.
and its also good that you are thinking of starting a new relationship.and this doesn't mean that you are losing your ex. after my ex and i broke up i dated a new guy,it lasted 3 weeks.although it was not successful and it was definitely a rebound but it helped me alot.i also went out with some other guys since the day i came here and these days i really feel that i can start a new relationship without being in a rebound.i just wanted you to know starting a new relationship doesn't mean that you can't get her back ever again.when we stop seeing our ex's faces on every other opposite sex,that's the time that we are really ready to get them back.i'm sure you can make it.
I think there are 4 reasons for her blocking me on Facebook. Yet I don't know which one is stronger:
1- She "unfriends" when she breakups. Only one of them is back to again to her friend lists in Facebook but he is far, so no worries. No one is blocked, except me!
2-I sent her tons of emails, first 3 days being sarcastic about her bad behavior earlier! I sent her letters on how I love her after I understood that I am blocked on FB. This neediness appeared after I found the Facebook says she is not there! Sarcastic emails might be a cause, but I give it less probability.
3-I'm sure it happened on that day, but I'm not sure if she "unfriended" before it or after it. I went to her house (around 7 p.m.) to apologize for my sarcastic emails. She told me that she cannot date me anymore and I told her that I don't want to date her! I told her that I want to be just a friend after our final exams are over and it would take us about 20 days to see each other again! I told her we need to concentrate on our exams now! I believe she was shocked at that moment for me not begging her for another date.
4-I had a limited contact with her for last 3 weeks. On those days, she updated Facebook statuses aiming at making me jealous! For example: she put a status that she has been with a (gay) guy and he so good, nice, polite, etc. and that she missed him for years!! ha ha ha... This status made me laugh rather! Oh! Let not deviate what I want to say in 4th point. When I met her after 3 weeks on limited NC, I asked her what she did all these days and she started rereading those Facebook statuses! I acted like I never know all these things, but she was already concerned about the slightest changes in my pictures and pointed them out!! I think, this point made her angry that she is concerned but I am not!!
P.S.: I'm proud to say that I learnt about NC on Kevin's site after I applied limited NC and asked to meet her after a short NC after our exams are over!! This idea came to my mind because I had realized that getting close to her makes things worse while that limited contact had already made her concerned!
Thank you a.z. for being there for me and replying to me all the time!! I truly appreciate the time you spend!
cool dara,and if you did''t get my comment,do you need me to resend it in another version so youcan understand it better?
Thanks, I got it! I did not understand it the first time and I don't know why!! I don't know why I read "Facebook" instead of "Office" and replied accordingly! Thanks anyway! Its great chatting here! Non of my friends cannot believe that I haven't moved on!! LOL
a.z..
I have made mind now, I want to see her at her office! I will talk to her about 2:30 eastern time! Please be available at that time because I might ask you questions!! I know that you have been more helpful than any friend that I had, this is why I want to consult with you!!
Thank you so much in advance!!
thank you dara,you are right.i feel better now.i'm happy we got to know each other.i see we really care and understand each other's situation and other people's we haven't even met once.and its really beautiful.yeah after all we learnt alot.i personally had no idea about these and i'm really happy that we can use these methods later in our relationships.i almost got him back with kevin's help and relationship rewind but i screwed it again.but i really hope it work for all of us.
Great dara,keep me posted.just be confident.wish u all the best:)
Sure a.z.! Thanks again! I truly feel highly confident!
i'm sure you are:).i'm waiting for the good news from you.the most important thing today is to show how happy you are,how great you look and how confident you are.Good luck buddy!!!
hey a.z., she was not at her office! Only, her colleague was there. I should say it was fortunately that she was not there because I couldn't get along in front of her colleagues. In fact, she doesn't like me either!
Thank you for your support. Truly love commenting here!
Thank you for your appraisal too! Yeah, I know I look good. My younger brother did modeling in Sweden when he was jobless. By reducing my weight, I started looking somewhat like him. My ex used to call me sexy boy. She would come to my apartment and spend 1 hour kissing me, even if I asked her not to come! Oh! I miss those days! LOL
Do you think should I go to her office tomorrow or should I just wait to meet her on Friday and Saturday? Thank you again for your support!
its really great that you look better now so she thinks you were sexy and now that you look better she will definitely think you look sexier. ok ,if you are saying that it was good that she wasn't there,then everything is ok. if you want to go to her office again,you should really have a good reason. she knows that you have been there 2 times in one week.if you have your reason to go there,i suggest just say a random friendly hey to her and go.show you are really busy and get involved with others.this makes her understand that the reason you go there is not her and that you weren't even thinking about her or trying to start a conversation.then meet her on friday or saturday and start the conversation.
Thank you so much my friend, a.z.
Oh! See how much narcissist I have become! LOL
You are right a.z. I shouldn't look needy (ugh) no matter if I'm gonna end up with or without her! Its strange but yesterday a slight force wanted me not to go towards her! It said, "She treated you bad in the last days. She would not respond you texts or calls. What if she become the same person later?"
How are you doing a.z.? I think you are in good shape. :)
hahaha its good that you are narcissist now:))).no,don't think of it that way.if you had a good relationship with her once,so you can have it again.its all about the communication. if we learn how to communicate with them,there won't be same problems anymore.just keep what you are doing and don't show her you are interested in getting back together.
i also talked to him yesterday twice.i called him to talk about the football match,he didn't answer but about an hour later he called me back said his phone was silent and started to talk about funny things .during the match he texted me 2 times .and i called him again after the match and again we laughed alot,then he said how he is doing with his new project and it will be over by the next thursday or friday. this was it.he is nice and cool to me but i kinda feel like he is confused with mixed feelings like both he wants and doesn't want to get back.he wants me in his life,i know i'm more than a friend to him ( cuz he said acouple of times that he never felt like just friends and his feelings for me won't change ),but he never asked to get back.i think i should continue being cool,then meet him and i guess i should create the scarcity for the next meeting.
what do you think?
Yes, I believe you should create a slight scarcity to him. Just because you initiated a few contact. By what you have said earlier, I don't think he will move on, but I agree that there are parts of him trying to move on. Just like us! But he can't! I don't think a guy would cry on the video call and does not mean it. It holds at least for me. Maybe its 16 years that I haven't cried and it should be real terrible disaster to make me cry.
Agree, communication is important! Moreover, a healthy mind to create better means of communication is important. We had good days, but whenever I told her that we can get back to those days, she would say that those days are gone. About communication, I remember we had talked about it and had come to conclusion that better communication can save our relationship but then I would end up not getting any response to my texts.
Anyway, I am reading RR now, especially the Death Door section which meant for me! ha ha ha ha... It says at least 2-3 months of NC!! OMG!!
Dara,
i'm so mad at myself for calling him twice yesterday:(.i was doing that because i didn't want him to think that i have no feelings for him.i knew it was wrong,but i did it.i am so mad i can go on NC like forever.i feel like i don't want to get him back anymore.i'm tired of thinking about what to do and when to do it everyday.and i don't want to meet him when i get there.i will tell him something came up and we can do it later.i don't know whats going on with me today but i feel like i hate him.i know our past relationship in over,but i kinda feel like i can't forgive him for those terrible days and nights post breakup.and even now i'm still hurting myself.i'm so sick of it.
a.z.,
I believe these waves of emotions will be there with us until we are sure about moving on or our relation is back to it bliss state. For now, it is quiet natural. I believe he also has same ups and downs otherwise he would have not cried there. There are some situations where it is win-win for both side, but unfortunately there are times when it is loss-loss for both side. One of them is when mutual love ends.
About this NC, it is really hard in the first week but it gets much easier in second and third week. It starts getting tough in the 4th week or around 30th day. Later, as time passes more mental stability is attained but at the same time expectations also rise up. After all we assume some repay for what we are doing.
We are all hurt! It takes time to heal! I usually tend to believe that whatever happens to me is for the best! Just imagine that you have learnt so much from this RR. Lets appreciate our achievements!
Thank you a.z., for being kind and supportive here!!
RAED,
i'm so sorry i just saw your comment below our posts,you have been saying that your ex says she doesn't love you and you think you pushed her away and you asked for my opinion.i'm sorry but could you write a little bit of your story ?so i think i can help you better. like how old are you ,how long have you been together ,when did you breakup and why?
A. Z.,
Hey! We were in a relationship for 2+years and we started of as best friends. Then things went well then BAM, we became 'we'. Haha
We broke up because ours is an unhealthy one. Nonsense fights and very emotionally damaging. The good part is that we had the best of our lives with each other as if we are on a pedestal if we are in good terms when we are still 'we' but the bad part is djring arguments it is so much toxic and tiring! And I admit, my mistake.
So she got tired and told me she no longer feel the same. We are in long distance now due to work so it's kinda hard to make up for it.
She was on and off. And i got confused witj her mind games, she told me last month she no longer loves me and i did the whole begging/pleading thing. She found out i got interested on another girl then BAM she got mad interrogating me with questions but is still consistent that she isn't jealous and still doesn't love me.
She's a push-pull when it comes to plan of meeting each other when i finally got mad and called it quits. I applied NC for 2wks then now I am back because I felt I have moved on but when I texted her, it's like going back to square one :(
She seems to be a lot colder before I did the NC. I don't know if because she's mad that i suddenly went AWOL on her or because she is moving on. She wants us to remain friends.
I don't know what to conclude, think or act about that. Girls are pretty confusing most of the time. Haha
hey raed,
its ok .tell her you have been thinking and now you have accepted the breakup,tell her you are sorry for acting kinda pushy lately and that it would be great that you can still be friends after some time and space.tell her you are busy doing something interesting about your personal life.and wish her all the best in her life (like her job or something she is interested in).then start NC again.after a month ,drop her one of the texts.create the falsefriendship.if she got mad about that girl and kept asking you questions about her,thats a good sign.she still cares and she is not indifferent.show her your having a great life without her.you do have a chance
Hello everybody
I decided to do my story after reading other people's stories. It started one and a half year ago, my dad's new girlfriend moved in. My world changed, two months later her 17 year old daughter has to stay with us for 3 months after her dad went on a vacation for 3 months. We slept the same bedroom. We started sharing, watching movies together and after 3 weeks we went into a hidden relationship. We knew our situation would be akward and we wanted to be sure. After 5 weeks we knew it. We were born for each other. This went good for one year of pure love, no arguments, just laying in each others arms all the time. After one year things home had gotten worse, me and her mom argued a lot and things gone bad. We moved out together to an appartment. After three months there things had gotten worse in our relationship, the relation went from fantastic mountains to the depth of the sea. My girlfriend having bad school results ended up in her moving back together with our parents. I couldn't live with this, I felt like her mom won the game and got us finally from being together. We argued a lot, we felt miserable we stopped the relationship. I did all the stupid mistakes mentioned in the text. My whole world crashed. This is about 25 days ago. I started the NC rule about one week after the breakup. After one week she already started dating. It's a random guy who nobody of our common friends like. She is seeing this guy for three weeks now.. Acting like she has no worries on her mind. I broke no contact one time, and its now about 10 days ago since that last text message. I felt so broken after she could forget a 1,5 year relationship of living together in one week. She brought that GARY two weeks after our breakup to our friend group. I felt so miserable those days. My whole world crashed again, like the breakup wasn't enough. She broke my heart two times. I strictly apply the NO contact rule at this moment. Yesterday we accidentally met again with common friends. I didn't really watch her and neither did she with me. We just talked with friends and both had some laughs but not together :). I don't know what to do next, something inside tells me she is the love of my life but my other half feels like being cheated on with this new GARY. I think i'm the only one suffering from this relationship.
hey niels
continue NC for atleast one month.don't be obsessed about that guy.it's probably a rebound and your ex did that because she is dealing with too much pain from the breakup.if it is a rebound you get the chance to contact her and probably win her back.during NC you should work on yourself as the article said.show her you are happy without her and your having a great life.be cool about the guy and don't ever say anything bad about him.try your best not too see her during NC.i suggest that you text her and tell her that your sorry for acting kinda crazy and show her that you are moving on,tell her you are doing something she knows you are interested in(like something you have always wanted to do,or about your job...) .wish her the best in her new relationship and tell her it would be nice to be friends later after some time and space.then go on NC and follow the plan. kevin will be back tomorrow and i'm sure can help the best way as possible.
Good luck!
Hi Niels,
I think you should apply NC and if you were to hangout with your friends, you have to be ready to see her without feeling down. If you are not ready, don't go this time. You want to have fun and feel positive, happy, confident and great without your ex. When you are with your ex, she an feel your positive or negative energy by the way you act. You have to truly be happy and confident to attract her back and that is what NC is for. My ex is also seeing someone as well and it's difficult to not think about it. But I know that I am better than him, and I keep telling myself that so I can improve myself. Don't let the other guy or your ex keep you from growing stronger, you deserve better =). I'm in NC right now, and I know the only thing I can change is myself, no one can love myself better than I can. I want to be naturally happy and whether my ex sees me or not after NC, I want to be at my best at all times and you should too. This is a time that we can improve ourselves and getting to that version 2.0 of you really depends on yourself and your efforts. So don't give up and try not to feel sad without being with your ex because it will do you no good. Good luck!
Hello, Thanks for replying, I already worked on myself and will keep trying to improve more. It's good to know I'm not the only one in this kind of situation.
Do you people think there is a chance we will get back together in the future , as I have been really working on myself, a lot of people told me I'm looking good etc, did haircut, new clothes, no glasses anymore etc, working out. Is it possible for her to come back to me or is everything gonna turn out on me? She seems happy, Although I know this might be not true.
Hey Niels,
You're not the only one, the other guy keeps contacting my ex and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I've realized that if you can't change someone, then the only one you can change is yourself. It's good to see that you have done it, keep it up. If you apply NC, you will have a better chance of getting your ex back. Nothing will turn on you if you continue to be confident, attactive and happy. After NC, she will wonder where you went and will be looking forward to meeting you when you or her contact each other. You will be emotionally and physically ready to meet her and everything will work out. So yes, you will have a chance of being together, after 30 days of NC go ahead and contact her using the texts above.
Hey Edward, yeah I know how it feels mate. We gotta be strong and keep working. I hope there will come a day where we can back together but even then, the trust has been hurt if you know what i mean. How do you think about this?
I think that our ex's may have lost trust in us. One of the reasons why they wont take us back could be because they are afraid that we might hurt them again. It takes time to regain that trust, you have to show them slowly. I think that trust is very important in a relationship. Even if we get back to our ex's after NC, we would have to trust one another again, so don't give up and be honest.
its good that your improving yourself niels.follow the plan,keep what your doing and continue NC.you do have a chance to get her back.
Today she contacted me, if I still had some schoolbook orsomthing of her. Didn't reply to it.
good,if she contacts you again insisting to get back her books or...,tell her she can come over and pack her things whenever she wants.then look good,be cool,act like you have never been in a relationship with her and don't talk about the breakup.every other thing that you say should be short and not personal.and the time should be as short as possible like you have to go out join your friends or anything like that.
Hey all
The day after she had sent me that text message "Do you still have my history book ? X " Which I didn't reply. She sent me again "I'll search harder then..". I replied "No didn't find anything" this was around 22:00. The next day she sent me another message around 5 am in the morning before she went to work "Yes thats what I thought so..". I didn't reply to this neither, is she feeling the NC, and trying to put herself back on my mind?
probably yes.i think she kinda felt that you are moving on.keep what you are doing.show that you are really happy and having a good time and you can use your facebook to do this.the more you she think that your ok with the breakup,the more attracted she will be.don't break NC until 30 day is over.let her miss you and think that she might be losing you forever.work on yourself and become a really confident happy person.
Today mutual friends told me she is in a hidden relationship with the guy who she has been dating. She is keeping, or trying to keep it secret. I guess that means she is trying for a real relationship. Me thinking about her doing things with this new guy makes me feel sick in my stomach. I guess this was it, chances that it is a rebound is less likely if she's trying to hide it.
Hey Niels,
Not necessarily, my ex is hiding her relationship too. She wouldn't admit to it and won't tell me that they are going out when obviously I see them holding hands. I hate it when my mind thinks about what they are doing. She can be hiding it from me for various reasons. One may be she doesn't want to hurt me, another may be she wants to take it slow and doesn't want me to bother her. If she didn't care, she would just be in the relationship regardless of how I feel.
Let me ask you this, what can you do about it if she is in relationship? She might be trying to find you in this guy, or trying to sort out her problems with the old relationship. Either way, it's her decision and her choice. Let it go, our exes are seeing new people, all relationships are bound to have problems. You and her have history, if you can get rid of this jealousy, you will be ahead. Time will make you realize that there's nothing much you can do but to go NC. I know it's hard, I am going through the exact same thing. Its been three months since my break up, and I've been chasing for far too long. Take this time to improve yourself, ignore this new guy, work on yourself. Don't let jealousy control your emotions, accept the break up. Sorry for this feeling, I want you to be happy, stay strong. Give yourself hope if it helps you to move on, use your anger to work on your goals. Women love men who knows what they are doing with their lives. Feeling miserable is not one of them. After a while, you'll realize what I do. Keep your head up, smile (: hope you feel better.
Hey people, Its been three weeks of no contact now and I really struggled this week. I felt like she forgot me. Lately friends of me told me she is been drinking a lot, even to the point where she is totally waisted.. Something she is not used to be like.. Another friend of me told me her new "hidden" relationship isn't going as great and she still misses me. But yet she hasn't contacted me. She texted me one week ago as I mentioned above. Also I think she will try to rush things with her new crush to the point where they will be having sex. Totally don't like that part.. even if we would be back together I would really struggle with that. Should I wait for her to start messaging me again? It feels like I am losing her more and more and more.. It feels like she doesn't miss me at all.. And why didn't she make her new relationship public yet?
Hey everyone!
i would love some help..
I'm 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn't see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. :( i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he'd never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he's not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn't be more sad! even after a month i'm so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he's the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I'm not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i'm soooo worried that he's gonna find a girl or something before i'm taking contact with him again.. He's that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he's done, he's really done.. doesn't write to me or nothing. I'm worried that i've really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there's no chance that i'm meeting him again if we're not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn't stop fighting with him and i know that's the only reason why.. :( but i'm afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance :(
What do you guys think?
Sincerely, Lovisa :)
hey lovisa,
your story is kinda like mine.we also broke up because of too much fighting during the last month or so.you would have been better continue NC,but it's ok now.its already done and its in the past.go on NC again and give yourself some time to heal from the breakup and let him forget the bad memories,work on yourself and become a happy person again.it looks too hard but be sure you will get a good result.don't worry about him getting to know someone new.he doesn't start a new relationship.even if he does,its more probably a rebound and its not gonna last for a long time.you need to be cool and don't show any obsession,don't stalk him on fb or instagram or anything.try to look happy,avoid sad status updates,show him you are having a great life without him.then when your NC is finished you can initiate contact without looking needy.it works.sign up to kevin's email series it helps you a lot.and you do have a chance.
Good luck
Hi Lovisa,
I agree with a.z., NC will help you improve yourself, and make you less worried about getting him back or not. You are so young and it's summer! What I think you should do is relax and enjoy summer with you friends, if you keep him off your mind while you have fun, I'm sure he will contact you. And when he does, remember not reply right away or it'll make you seem too needy. My ex she says she loves me and I think she's the one too, but from my experience, there's really nothing much you can do if he doesn't initiate contact, you'll just end up chasing and seem needy. So just start NC again and enjoy summer hehe, good luck!
I'm sorry to hear that your story is the same like mine a.z!
Problem is, he had never done something bad against me, he was always loyal, didn't play around, did everything to be with me.. i knew he's the right guy, when he told me that he had never felt this way before, and started to talk about the future with me right after 2 months together i felt so happy! never been this comfortable in a relationship before..
Hi Edward! i know i'm young, but i know how i feel too, it's weird because i was really insecure with other guys before, but with him, i was so comfortable :/
The main thing i want to happen right now, is by time he forgives me, although i told him 2 weeks after the breakup i knew i did wrong. We broke up because of my fights, and i hope we can move further that in the future so he can see that i'm more mature now
But, he's living 2h away from me, and i don't see a solution to this! i want to meet him, but still he's living far away :(
Do you guys think i have a chance if i give this time? :(
Thanks for your help a.z and Edward!
Hey Lovisa,
Giving him and yourself time will definitely help. It will make him remove the negative thoughts about you and remember the happy moments that you two shared. By sticking with NC you will make him miss you. I think you have to try and be happy even without him. Know that there are many guys out there that are also loyal and would do anything to be with their ex, like me haha.. The point is, I know you want him back, just like all of us. It really does us no good thinking and stressing about it. You have to accept that fact, and when you do, you'll find that everything is not as bad as it seems. I know you miss him really much and can't see him. I know you want to show him that you've changed. I know all that because it's what I am going through. I just want one chance to show how much I've changed, and just so you know, I am confident that one day, I will have that chance. So just remember, you're not alone, and be patient. You are special, don't let him decide your happiness (:
don't worry lovisa,you will get a chance to meet him if you follow the plan the right way.don't be disappointed.its not really that bad of a situation that you can't get out of.you need time.and since its not that long after the breakup i think NC will work for you.its a time that you can heal from the break up,and give him a space to forget the bad memories,remember the good ones and begin to miss you.and its up to you how to create the miss you feelings.the key is that you should be happy happy happy.you can easily use your facebook in your advantage.there is a chance that he contacts you before NC is over and you shouldn't respond to it.the real thing is almost non of our exes gave us the real reason for the breakup.there are certain reasons that lead to loss of attraction.all of them kinda lost their attraction for us and its not that hard to attract them again.i was in way more difficult situation than yours and i came out of it.you need to trust yourself and the plan.if you do it right, your chances get really high.and read ryan river's relationship rewind as kevin suggested.it is really helpful and gives you a wonderful perspective of your relationship and how to rewind it.
Hi Edward!
I know i have to move on and let the past go, and that's what i want to. You never know what happends in the future, but i know i will hope even after i let this go, maybe dated some guys and all that that i actually want to have contact with him, and maybe get together again..
He made me feel like there was no other boy for me, and all things he said to me.. like we were meant for eachother, god i just want a chance in the future :/
Hey a.z!
i know, we all just have to focus on ourself now after the break ups and just move on, i'm working on it!
It was kind of blurry actually, he told me when we broke up that he still had feelings for me and hadn't lost them at all, but he gave me all the chances in the world, even when i was mean to him. The last fights were because i was insecure and immature, we had a distance relationship and before the last fights i didn't see him in 2 weeks, i know i did wrong, omg we had a distance relationship, you have to count with not seeing eachother each week. That's why we broke up, my insecurity, it drove me to fight with him all the time. And i told him that 2 weeks after the breakup. He said he wanted to maybe give me another chance, but it was too early.. So we haven't spoke now in about 2 weeks. :/
well its great that he still has feelings for you.and why are you worried about only 2 weeks of NC?.he is hurt and maybe he is angry and thats a good sign.seriously if this is the problem, he just needs some time to heal and forget and forgive the past.and the more you try to look happy,the more he feels attracted to you and wants to get back. just don't ever bring anything about the break up or negative memories or getting back together.don't be sad you have a great chance
But we broke up last month, i don't think he has feelings for me right now actually! i don't know what to do, i've tried to talk to other boys, but it's something that's missing when i'm talking to them :/
Thanks Edward and A.z for all help, appreciates it alooot. :)
the feelings won't go away over a month.you broke NC and he probably knows that you are still there for him.you should follow the plan.
Hey Lovisa,
When I apologized to my ex, she also said that it was difficult and needs to think about it. Soon after, like 1 to 2 weeks, I asked her if she had made her decision, she was unsure and said it was too soon. I am doing NC now because I realized that it has to be her decision to get back. It's been 3 months since our break up and she still has feelings for me.
Memories can't be forgotten so easily, and when they come back, it will remind you oryour ex of the times you two had. It will make him miss you and have the urge to contact. That's why I think NC will help because it helps you remove that neediness. I know you're afraid of the outcome, but I can tell you that it will be worth it. It will truly show your ex that you've grown, and even if it doesn't, you are still going to be happy for yourself and no one else. I know you think he's the one, I feel the same of my ex. The best way to increase the chances is to work on yourself and to be happy without him. It's what I am doing and everyday I feel happier and free, I still love my ex very much, and at the same time, I don't have to worry about getting her back or not. Having this abundance mindset will bring you wonders, just be happy and your life will follow. Remember, don't worry so much about getting him back or not, worry about how to be happy without him (:
Hey Edward and a.z!
Sorry for late answer, my internet got shut down :(
I've read all of your answers, and i just have to thank all of you! I'm a stronger person right now,
It's gone 1 month since we last spoke, but i think it's still too early to write to him actually. In earlier answers, i told you that he thought we we're gonna last forever, and he never felt this way for a girl before, he told me that i'm his soulmate and stuff. He's very honest, and for the first time we met, he told me already then that he just wanted to find his perfect, and just be with her. Have i mentioned that he doesn't party? He rides motocross and have sponsors and stuff, so he's taking that really serious.
Wellwell, what i'm trying to say, is that i meant alot to him, and i don't want to screw up my chance of getting back together again.. So i'll wait till i feel more confident about this, start with being friends and just talk, try to have options when it comes to boys.
You guys know that special feeling, you don't just get for every woman/man you met, well, that boy i'm talking about, i've never ever felt this way before, not even my first crush mean this much as the one i'm getting over right now! And the feelings are mutual, i really did trust him when he told me everyday that he never felt this before.
So i'm just gonna take it easy, i know why we broke up, and honestly, i'ts my fault.. even if it sounds cheesy, i was the bad one in the relationship.
I'm gonna write to him when i feel confident, and i feel that i'm never actually getting over him, even how hard i try..
Thanks again! I appreciate all help.
Hi Kevin,
I think my comment has got lost somewhere... Hope you can help.
Ok so here goes.
I was in same gender relationship with a girl, it lasted 6 weeks. As soon as we got chatting/meeting up we both relaised that we had a strong connection and feelings started to grow quite quickly. We both said we never felt like this before so soon and also both had the attraction.
The only thing was this girl had 3 serious relationships with guys in the past, but she said she always knew that she was gay. Anyway as the weeks went on the feelings grow more, and she actually came out to her friends and family, as she said no one makes her happy as much as I do. I am already out to everyone. Before she came out she was a little hot/cold as she didn’t like lying to people. After she came out the feeling was fantastic I was so happy, but then she went to being cold again (I think this is her personailty being hot/cold) as she has a very stresseful job and alot going on in her life at the moment. I kinda messed it up as I said I can not deal with you being cold, so if thats how your going to be then we best call it a day. and she did it is now over. This was a week ago. I made even further mistakes by sending a card to her work to say sorry, and messaging her on the dating website we met on (as I delted her number so I didn’t make the mistake of harrassing her) she called me on Sunday to say, stop contacting me your making me ill, your not the only one who is upset and hurt by this, but we are not right for each other, I scare her, it was unproffesional contacting her at work by sending the card, she will not change my mind, and now she has blocked my number. I have not made any contact since, but we both admitted we had strong feelings for each other when we were in a relationship and how happy we wee she even came out for me, do you think she be back or that is it now?
.
Dear Kevin,
Welcome back and thank god you're back! Today is day 30 of my NC and I'm feeling great! made some changes in my life but by the end of July I would've started my course and things would go smoothly after. I'm waiting 2 more weeks before I do first contact. Question: I'm not sure whether to do the letter or go straight to text. I've prepared a letter and not sure whether to hand write it or facebook message it to him a way I'll know whether he's 'seen' it or not. Also, what do I do if he overlooks the letter and doesn't read it at all? I'm ok knowing he might not want to talk to me if ever but would very much like him to respond. Which way is the best way to get his attention and make him chase me? Thanks Kevin, I hope your absence was for a good cause or a relaxing holiday :)
Ok I was getting annoyed worrying about this so I just sent him the letter via facebook messaging, i guess if he would answer a hand written letter he'd answer this one and i'm not expecting him to cos he's like a bull! Anyway, i'm very proud of the letter I wrote I hope it makes him respond. If or when he doesn't respond within few days does that mean he's gone and never coming back? I feel at peace finally :)
Rihanna,
If he doesn't respond to your message maybe he isn't interested yet. And by yet, I mean, not yet now. But might be possible later. A month of NC might be long for you because you are aware that you are doing it but maybe it's not yet enoughy time for him. I mean, he can't fix his unresolved issues within just a month. But if he doesn't respond but 'seen' it. Consider moving on, you might not want to waste another month of NC planning to get him back.
I hope there will be a positive response from him! All the best!
Thank you Raed for your response. I'm NOT surprised because I know his personality and Yes he's seen it and been on fb more today since I sent the letter than before. No he hasn't responded and probably won't. He has my stuff and still not responding so how or when will we sort that out? Also, I want to move on I'm tired so if he ignores my letter (and I think he has) should I unfriend him on fb as a way to tell him "I'm over you anyway"? Or should I keep ignoring him and act happy? He's hardly on fb anyway and was bit surprised today he went on fb twice... very upset but will give it another day :(
Hey Rihanna,
NC is for you to be happy without constantly thinking about your ex. You wrote him the letter already and he saw it. He just needs time and more space to think about it. Don't expect anything from him and more importantly, stop obsessing whether he is giving you the closure or not. Since you did NC for 30 days already, are you happy and confident without your ex? If not, then I think you should continue NC for 1 to 2 weeks again trying be happy without thinking about your ex too much. I know it's hard because I always tend to try and check if my ex is on FB and wonder what she is doing, even while I am in NC right now. If it helps, just turn off your chat while you are in NC, I know it helps me atleast from stalking to see if she is on xP. This is all an experience everyone of us is going through, learn to br happy without your ex, YOU are more important =) good luck!
Rihanna,
Congratulations on completing 30 days of NC. If he does not respond you, it does not mean that he is not thinking about it. Give him a week or two to make his mind. I hope you don't expect a rush reply from him. In my limited googling, I've found that NC varies from 30 days to 90 days. For very extreme cases it can be 6 months. In your case, you should know that unless he is recovered form his depression and hand injury he can't come back easily. Probably, the day he finds his job will the best day for your contact!
Congratulations again!!
congrats rihanna,
you did a great job. doesn't matter if he didn't reply.wait about 2 or 3 weeks and drop him the something reminded me of you text.during this time,don't stalk him on FB.i remember i didn't want to remove my ex cuz i needed him to see me happy,i just used to update some pics and videos,post on our mutual friends wall and that was it.i didn't check his profile even once.i didn't even check my fb home for a complete month.i didn't want to see anything about him.and that helped me alot.
Hey All,
Just giving you an update, things didnt go as planned but I THINK it still went well!
So the Saturday night, she didnt come out as said she had headache and that, but that didnt bother me as It was a great night out anywyas. We were texting each other a bit on the night and she asked me to send her a photo of what I was wearing, she said I looked "Hot" and that my body looks good too in the pics ;)....she also sent me a text on the night saying "night night x"
So today we all went for breakfast and she was maybe going to join us (not for me, but to see the other friends), but then again didnt as she said she looked horrible...but wanted to meet me AFTER I had finished with my friends....no idea why as there wasnt any reason for us to meet basically...so she actually initiated this and proposed to meet.
The weird thing about all ofthis was, she was only coming out on the Saturday or for breakfast was not to see me, but to see all of the other mutual friends...So for her to NOT meet them but still want to meet up with me....Im thinking thats good progress? ha
Anyways, I txt her letting her know and then she suggested we go do something, we just chilled in the sun for 2 hours and then grabbed some chips...then when we were leaving she asked for a cuddle and just like the first time we met after brief NC, the hug lasted a good 30 secs or more...she also said she will buy me my food next time as I paid her chips coz she had no money....so indicating a another meet up
My only mistake I think was saying "I love cuddles" whilst cuddling her haha, I think maybe i should be a bit more "aloof" at the moment, so she kinda feels like she is losing me as tbh i dont think she does atm im not needy..but im still easily there if you get me? PLus she goes to the festival On Tuesday...so I wont speak to her unless she speaks to me
So all in all, Im feeling great and just hope im on the right tracks!...she has mentioned getting a house(mortage) etc very shortly...but not with me ha
hey david,
glad to hear this.everything is going on great.she asked you to hang out and she indirectly mentioned that she wants to go out with you again.don't worry about the cuddling if you are not chasing her and you are not gonna contact her so she doesn't think that you are needy or always there for her.she cares about you,and i think you can get her back.she gave you an acceptable excuse for not being there and asked you to send her a photo,she said you looked hot,she sends good night texts to you,she suggested the meet up,she wants to hang out again,she asked for a cuddle.these are all good signs and to me, almost absolute signs that she likes to get back.well done david.keep what you are doing,you will get what u want.just when she contacts you show that you are busy these days with your GSL (goal self image ) and having a nice time with friends and wish her a good time.i have a strong feeling that you will get her back.
and david could you please read our last conversation . Dara told his opinion and i will be glad to hear yours too.
Hey A.z
Thanks, when you list the things like that it does sound very positive :). The only thing why im so scared of the "friendzone" is, We were friends for like 6+ years before we got together.
Also when talking about the "future" and her house etc..I wasnt involved in it ha...she was asking me questions like "Oh so I will be able to afford a mortage on my own then?" etc
But yeah, I think it sounds positive and yeah im going to leave her to it now as she pretty much goes to the festival in 1 day.
I think a few days after the festival ends is when i will really start to see a change in what shes going to do...good or bad etc.
Thanks a lot for your help :) x
David,
In short she loves you!! Girls ask for cuddle from the ones they love!! Cuddle means a lot to them!!
Just act like you are dating a new girl! I suppose no one talks about emotions but get into motions! I don't see anything wrong in what you said! Of Course you like cuddling (her)! LOL
Just be positive minded buddy! Good job! Enjoy the food together!! :P
doesn't matter if you weren't involved in her future plans.she doesn't want to be too obvious about getting back together.actually i'm dying to get back with my ex but i have talked to him about my future and he was not involved in it.so don't think about it.
Thanks A.z
I replied to your comment here:
Its a bit weird sometimes commenting on here, sometimes it doesnt give you a reply option..hope this helps! x
thank you very much david it was helpful thanks for the positive energy.and about your questions,we have been in a relationship for more than a year,we were almost living together.i started arguing alot in the last month i believe i behaved so bad.i broke up with him.and we weren't in touch for 3 days ( since then we have never had a day without talking) after my break up text.by the end of the 3rd day i sent a text msg to him and said now that its over doesn't mean that we are enemies so wanna talk? he said yes.but said nothing about getting back and he said we seriously needed some space.i didn't ask him to get back but he found that i was upset.he cried and said he was so sorry but we needed that and that he was tired of all the arguments and he wants me back in his life after some time.from then on he never asked to get back.and i'm sure he is not dating anyone or maybe he is successfully hiding it from me.
and one more thing.about a week ago we were having a video call,he was too emotional that night and i directly told him that i don't want to get back with him.he got so mad and started insulting the guy who he thinks has changed my mind.(long story ,he was a mutual friend that talked behind my ex and then my ex proved that he was lying).and the next day i explained that he has nothing to do with that.and he accepted to stop acting that way.
Hey a.z.,
After reading your comments, I recommend you to play less mind-games on him! It might make him attached to you but at the same time he might develop a dissatisfaction which will influence the quality of your relationship. An example is myself: I love my ex because she was more than any best friend I ever had when she was high in spirit but when she played mind games, she was really harsh! Even today, it makes me feel undecided! Plus, after the breakup when all wounds are healed, and he has moved on he will never look back and say that he had great days and long for it! Just a remark from my incomplete life experience. Sorry if I did not get your point completely here!!
Yeah I agree with Dara,
Think youve already got your ex where you want him, You did NC for a while, Hes said he still loves you etc I think the only thing stopping him from mentioning get back together is (If it was me) I would think that you are already too far moved on or something and therefore hes reluctant to say anything because your not giving him anymore hints etc.
As for the 2 dating options I mentioned, I would only say/do that if he asks about it, but it should definitely be after you go back to the town and see him...You shouldnt let him know you might have another guy lined up or anything until AFTER you see him, coz who knows when you see him he might finally mention getting back together.
This may sound daft but...Next time he tells you he loves you etc..can you not just ask him why he is telling you this? And see what he actually says?
The only reason I would tell a girl that stuff is if i wanted to get back together..so its kind of like if asked...thats the only thing I would say ha..i mean what other thing can you say? ha
Especially as youve told him directly you dont want to get back together etc and hes still saying it :)
David,
Wow man! How'd you do that?! As I can see everything is so positive. Considering she is the one to initiate and give you hints. You're on your way to gerting back together but still control yourself. Don't fully indulge yet for you might seem pushy. Treat her as a new girl so that you could somehow keep your hands off her.
Anyway, I just wanna ask. I am on NC for 2weeks, and I failed. I texted her. I can say that somehow her response is positive but I don't know if she missed me pr is being friendly, what do you think?
Raed, I sometimes think it sounds more positive then it is. Basically my ex is my best friends ex ha. So we grew really close and were great friends for about 7 years before we got together....so quite a lot of time... I think thats why shes so willing to be "friends" with me...as it only went downhill when we got together and I think she honestly wants to go back to the way we were before we got together.
Anyways, I never did the NC thing myself either really as we had a social event coming up so had to speak after 2weeks, like ive seen written here, the NC thing is for YOU!...not for them.
So Why/What made you text her? Be careful not to fall back into the "needy" texting/chasing thing, I kind of did myself a little, but then I Think I quickly turned it around by sending very plain/vague replies and I wasnt trying to keep the conversation open...if it died it died.
I guess it depends on what you text her and what he positive response was? Has the conversation ended now? Try not to drag the conversation on...let it end naturally and dont keep asking too many questions. Then when it does end..just carry on as you were....I cant tell if she is just friendly or not because im in the same boat as you!! haha
But I think its very good that shes been friendly at least...now just kind of take a step back..she knows your there, she was been friendly...now only text her if she texts you...I think she will wonder why you havent text her first...which is good :)
Just to give you an example...my ex I saw yesterday...shes taling about getting an house - without me ha, see my posts from yesterday :)
Anyways, Today she messaged me in the morning, which I didnt text back to coz she was going to email me, She emailed me the Website and had a very vague conversation. She is asking me what I think of it etc...I just sent some plain answers because tbh...its KILLING ME! ha...I dont want to tell her to get a house etc without me when I actually want 1 with her!!
Anyways the last 2 messages, she asked me what area I think is good, I just told her I havent thought about it...and her next email to me was a 1 word jokin insult with a x
Im not going to reply to that now...its kinda of dead conversation and Will leave it..she can strike it up again if she wants to...if not...shes at a festival all week now
Fingers crossed. but it is hard!
David,
Wow! I haven't thought about that for a long time. Tbh, I always try to drag the conversation on. I see you have a point of just letting it die naturally! Thanks haha!
Btw, I don't know your story, who break up with whom and why?
Thanks, David! I wish you luck, man!
hey david and dara,
thank you very much guys,i'm so glad to have you in this situation.you guys are right i kinda played too much mind games but it wasn't like that i did it on purpose.every time he says something i automatically don't want to be needy and i makes me say those things out of nowhere.but he definitely knows that i love him.before i came here we met,he started crying from the first minute he saw me and said how much he loved me,that night i also cried,it was too hard to control myself because it was the first time that we met after the break up.and he knows that if i have no feelings for an ex i won't be talking to him.but i will do what u said from now on.its almost a week that we are not in touch.and he hasn't been online on any social media.let's see if he'll contact me or not.
thank you guys x
Haha, I mean everyone is different, i mean my approach may not even work for me tbh but im hoping it does :)
Well Long story short we argued quite a lot which was mainly coz we both felt so strongly for each other ha, and petty arguments, we also split quite a lot for like 1-2 weeks etc
But this final time was because we were arguing, it was definitely my fault on this occasion. We were still together, but she was so upset, when I got home after argument, 1 hour later she sent me a nasty text and I was still angry at the argument and just basically acted out of haste and sent her a text saying I cant do it anymore etc So I ended it...but we still spoke a week later and then I noticed she suddenly went cold on me....Then I started chasing her.
So far shes refused all of my attempts obviously, told me she needed time etc, that she cant give me 100% anymore, it doesnt feel right etc
We both 25, 26 in 2 months
David,
You know your situation better than anyone else. This is true with a.z. and myself. To describe the whole situation we might need weeks to write here and still not get to the point has been the root of the problem. I did not know that were friends before. That makes it a bit more complicated and I have no experience in that case but I still feel that she likes you and once intimacy happens it cannot be undone.
a.z.,
I truly understand you. I believe my ex girlfriend's attempts to be hurting were semi-conscious and usually based on emotions. Though it made me mad at that point (especially that first days that I encountered it) but I gradually made a conclusion that she is not fully involved in it. But I had to do something about it and I truly believe that this breakup and NC was for the best. Probably she needed this time to get off most of her negative emotions about me. Plus my reactions had also gone out of control in many cases! I also needed some time to think logically about her unconventional change of mood.
I wished I could bring out some examples but they will fill up this site. LOL
You know NC gets tougher towards the end probably because you want to see the outcome.
Thanks guys for the update! Its great to be here reading your comments!
Dara,
i think the reason that someone goes hot and cold is because that they are are hurt from something and can't handle their emotions well.and i think thats not a bad sign cuz they are not indifferent.i wish all of us the best.and what you guys told me about me overacting and playing mind games and pushing him away,i just called him :D i could sense that he was happy for the call.i told him that i have finally become a dentist and got my degree.he acted so happy and asked if i'm done here. i said yes and maybe i go back to the country next week.he got so excited and asked me to call him when i arrive.i didn't ask him anything about these days that he hasn't been available,but he explained that he has been out of the city for a couple of days for work and that there is no internet signal there and he will try his best to get back by the time i'm there.then we said the funny things we used to say that days and it was a funny short conversation.i'm feeling better now.
A.z
That sounds amazing :). Like you said he sounded very happy, it all sounds good!
I know if I was the guy in that situation it would sound very good and would be thinking "right this is my chance now :)"...Im pretty sure when you hit the city some sparks will fly ;) ha x
A.Z.,
That's great!! I told you that he loves you!! You already know what to do, but don't overdo it!! LOL
About my case, yes, I know that I have also hurt her. As I already mentioned, I had taken her for granted in the beginning and I am so sorry about it. Also, she was on and off, I retaliated once in a while (couldn't keep cool)! Something went wrong with me as well! I admit it!
Anyway, good for you! Good luck for the next level! :)
thank you so so much guys :) .and dara we are all in kind of a same situaitions. its just the time but we are having the same process.i'm sure this will happen to you soon.and i wish you the best on the indoor meeting this week.i have a feeling that all of us are gonna be fine :)
Hi, Guys and Kevin.
I just wanted to know how will I know if my ex wants me back when we are in NC period? Obviously, there will be no signs simply because I am on NC.
I survived the first week! Yeah!
Raed,
Nothing can really tell unless she comes running back at you. Congrats on your dirst week! Btw im curious. How old are you?
Daniel,
I guess I would have to wait for how long she will come running back or not lol. I'm 22, why ask?
Im also 22. You know man. I know this is about gwtting back your ex. But have you considered moving on?
I decides to move on and just late fate take its course. If wee meet again then maybe we really are meant. You are still young you have a lot ahead of you. you will still meet a lot of new people. Im just saying that there are still a lot of possibities and opportunities. Ask yourself now. What do you want more? Get her back or get rid of the pain?
Daniel,
Of course, I want to get rid of the pain more than I want her back! I'm slowly 'sort of' getting over her. She might not love me anymore but I am sure she will not be able to move on that fast.
I am doing the NC for a week and then I failed because I contacted her. She responded positively. What dp you think?
For now, I want both: get her back and get rid of the pain. It's hard to decide but I am telling myself I'll just empty out what I feel for her and when I got so tired of this while thing, I can walk away without regrets because I know I tried.
Thanks, man!
Hey Raed,
It really depends on you and how you feel. If you are feeling confident and happy, I think you can continue to contact her. Whatever you do, don't feel upset if she rejects to hangout with you. You want to remove your neediness and remain cool. If you still can't and feel frustrated, I would recommend you to do NC again for 30 days again.
Edward,
Hey! I've just been on NC for two weeks. I am feeling so good! I missed her at times but I don't act on it because I already feel in control and it's never been this awesome.
I broke the NC of two weeks just because I feel fine and I want to wish her well and so I texted her.
I was wrong. The moment I texted her, I feel lime I am back to zero. Wanting to communicate again, staring at the phone for her response. Dragging the conversation on.
Just as I thought I am fine with the breakup so I contacted her, I regreted it. Because my feelings came rushing back.
I can feel I will be clingy again. I wished I never contacted her again after I did the NC :(
What now?
Thanks, man!
Raed, just continue NC. Nothing else you can do right now but hope for the best. Stay strong and dont get tired like me. I got tired of the pain and stress ofcourse i love her but i learned to love myslef first more than anything. I learned it here. Imagine doing NC, bettering yourself, suppressing the sadness its torture. We all knkw that trying to be happy is not agtainable in 30days. And when you try to reach out youre not certain of how she will react or maybe wont react at all. Clinging to false hope only, thats why its better to give up early rather than holding on for too long. Thr world is still full of possibilities. As kevin said in his email. Have an abundance mindset.
Just look at it this way, SHE SET YOU FREE. So now you can see what the world has to offer for you. Would you really choose your ex over a number of other choices?
Whatever you do. Goodluck! I wish you the best and pray for your happiness. :)
Daniel,
Hey man. So you really are about to move on?
I did the NC and I felt self-sufficient then I made a mistake of texting her. Tbh, I am somehow hopong for a reply. I stare and wait for my phone to light up. I regretted cpntacting her because it feels like I am back tp square one just as I thought I am fine by myself already.
She is responding to my messages but somehow she is indifferent and standoff-ish. I don't know if she got mad when I did tje NC for 2wls because I just suddenly did not contact her. I want to do the NC again but I am afraid that it's been two months already and i can feel that she is drifting away or maybe i am just overthinking
Hey RAED,
I know how it feels waiting for her to text you back. You just want to know if she will hangout with you again. I've had times that I asked my ex to eat and she would reply "sure" and sometimes she would reply "sorry, busy". It's the second response that makes you feel down because it's not the answer your expect. And if she doesn't reply at all, you'll have the same feeling because you want her to reply.
I think you should stop expecting you want her to say because that's what's making you feel this way. After you asked her out, just do your own thing until she replies, even if it's a no, be cool about it, try again in a week. It's a lot easier said than done I know, because who likes to feel rejected? But if you think of it in a positive way, like maybe she's busy or not ready to see how awesome you are, you'll feel better =). The time of NC depends on you, how you feel, can you be happy without her? If not fully, then keep doing NC for a while until you don't need her, but you still want her. There is a difference and by continuing NC, you'll find out what the difference is!
Edward,
Hey man! I did the NC and i contacted her because i thought i am fine all by myself. But by the time i contacted her, i felt clingy again. Waiting for her reply.
I hated myself a d i regretted contacting her. I feel lime im back to square one. I want to do NC again but she is responding positively to me. So i don't know how to cut it off again.
I felt i lost my momentum :(
Hey RAED,
It's OK, right now, she is responding positively, that is a good thing. Dont regret your actions because what's done is done. You can improve by learning from your mistakes. But at this point, apply a little bit of NC to see if she initiates contact. If she wants to see you, then that should be a good thing. You know what you should do, it's all in you. Dont act needy, be cool, and most importantly FEEL happy. I can't emphasize how important it is to be happy. Your ex and everyone around you can really feel this energy when you are happy. It makes them feel happy because they see that you are. Good luck!
-Be Happy
Hi all as you know I have started no contact again but I am feeling mixed emotions, Angry,sad,scared,frustrated. I feel like giving up I am so hopeless, She is probably going to be there always as a friend but I am worried that she might be moving on while I am stuck in the same position again. I always think too deep and negative about everything I feel as though she was my only happiness I had. Well I have got it planned will go no contact for a month or so and then drop her the text message something crazy just reminded me of you. Why couldn't things be so easy? I lost her before got her back and now lost her again. I haven't seen her in about 9 months I don't even know what I am to her a friend or just someone there when she needs me? I wish I could have someone to talk to but no one understands she is my first true love the other girls were a fling when we had problems. I am sorry for bothering everyone on here. I just feel as though if I completely lose her I wont have anyone in the future etc. I am too attached and worried I wont find anyone better than her :(
Musa, reas relationship rewind. So you would understand that being in the friend zone ia not a bad thing but actually goos.
Hey Musa,
No contact is mainly for yourself, you have to feel happy without your ex, I know it's hard because it feels like you can't be happy without her. The truth is, you can, you just have to relax and clear your mind, and let go for a while. Use this time to improve yourself, I'm in NC myself. I still miss my ex, but I tell myself to be happy for myself and things will follow. Improve yourself, SHOW your ex you want her back, gain attraction, do things that benefit you, like workout or yoga or goals. Time will make everything feel better I promise, don't feel miserable all the time, your ex doesn't want to be with that kind of man, she wants a man with confidence. Good luck, have a positive attitude. =)
i agree with what edward suggested, except showing that you want her back part.i think she doesn't have to be sure that you want her back.and musa ,all of us are dealing with these feelings its not fair to yourself to be thinking like this every second in your life.i know it hurts so much when you think you might be losing your true love forever.but you need to stop it.as long as you do this to yourself you are making yourself weaker and weaker.you need to feel strong and happy during no contact so you can gain your confidence back.you should reach to a positive mindset i really hope that you get her back but even if you don't be sure that she is not gonna be your only love forever and you will find someone else that makes you happy again.its all hormones and memories that your attached to from the bliss time you had together.a part of your mind wants to stick to it and you can't let it go like this.again please read ryan river's relationship rewind it will make you feel really better.
Hi Musa
So I have been following your posts over the last week or so and I just have to say you need to chill out and relax. If you haven't already sign up to Kevin's emails and follow them. Stick to his plan because right now you are not. Be cool like Fonzie is your best plan right.
Now I may be getting this wrong and this may come across as harsh, but I see in your post above you mention that you haven't seen your Ex for 9 months and yet you say that you are still friends. If this is the case, unless it is due to long distance reasons, then you have get a grip on reality and realise that you guys are not friends. I'm sorry but people who don't spend time together in a social/group setting for 9 months period are not friends. I'm not talking about spending one on one time together, but just spending time together with others doing things that you enjoy, whether that be watching a movie, playing sports, going to a party. 9 months of not seeing each other is not the basis for friendship.
Honestly I think you have to realise that you are at what relationship Rewind calls Death Door and the best thing you can do right now is back off from her. Think about it, according to what you are saying you are constantly sending her text messages after 9 months of not seeing each other that could come across as a little creepy. If I was you I would focus on having a good Ramadan and get yourself sorted out spiritually. After that then focus on reconnecting via text with the purpose of meeting her in a group/social setting to re-establish the friendship. Its not over, but if you continue to do what you have been doing then it will be
Give her some space and keep calm
Yes thank you all I don't know what I would do without the help of you lovely people much appreciated. I was going 26 days no contact until I wished her happy birthday so going no contact again. Just need her to miss me I remember a few months ago she would miss me saying hi and then I remember speaking on the phone few months back and she saying everything reminds me of you. I hope it's still like that. No contact it is! I will probably keep you all updated if I get any changes or updates.. Thank you all have a lovely day.
Hey guys, I was hoping you could give me some advice. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. Our relationship lasted 15 months, and we never had an argument, like ever. Three weeks before breaking up with me he said he could see us being together for years, but when we broke up he said he just didn't love me anymore. The first month after the break up was pretty bad. One of the worst things was finding out he picked up a sex buddy two weeks after the break up. But after all that we decided to be friends. And were for the next two months. Then we left college for the summer and both went home (100s of miles away from each other) and that's when I found this site. I decided to start NC because I wanted him to want me as more than a friend again. At first he still texted me occasionally, and checked me tumblr page occasionally (I have a stealth counter). The last time he texted me he made comment about how I seemed much more positive and he was glad to see it, but that was more than a week ago and he hasn't texted me since, and hasn't checked my tumblr in two weeks. I feel like NC has only made him less interested in me. What do you guys think? Am I permanently friend zoned? :(
Hi Brittany,
I would continue with NC until you find happiness without him. He may still be thinking about you or may not. But by checking if he has checked your tumblr is just as obsessive as he is. The purpose of NC is to be happy for yourself and when you gain this confidence from within, you won't have to worry about him contacting you because you will be happy even without him, you can see your reasons clearly and if he is really the one you want to be with.
Thanks Edward. I am better off than that sounded though. I don't check it daily. And I honestly have been doing much better. I have also found someone else, who I do actually like, not as a rebound. The thing with that is basically no one I know approved because is 7 years older, and they may be right, I might not be prepared for that. So now I feel I have a decision to make, this new guy or continue on with the 5 step plan. In the long run my ex and I probably would have a better chance staying of together. But right now I'm not sure we even have a chance of getting back together. And I guess that's why I'm asking.
Well this guide recommends you to go on dates, if you are not sure your ex and you will be together, I don't see why not. Going on the date with a new guy will let you gain confidence and see if he is the right man for you, it will also allow you to see if you really want your ex back or not, good luck! Remember, happiness comes from within, do what you think feels right.
Dear everyone,
Please help.. its been just 15 days since i started NC. After the breakup i went behind my guy begging him to cm bk. He just played with my feelings And stated another relationship through a dating website. But she's a foreigner. Still i thought i want him bk nd proceeded d nc. Day before yesterday my ex talked to me nd told how his life is misserable without me nd finally asked me out.. thats what i was waiting for i prayed god to bring him back.. i just gotta say yes and get into the relationship.. but now i feel like i dnt wnt him.. i hv no feelings for him.. i don't want a relationship with him.. why am i like this? :O
you are hurt from the breakup and these feelings are normal.you should continue NC as long as you feel this way.
Hi dew,
I think that you have to continue NC as well to see if you really want to be with him. If you two are back together, try to play it cool and dont seem needy or insecure, good luck!
Thanks a.z and Edward. :-)
Hi all,
Just a quick question/update... so after talking with my ex normal today.. she kind of over reacted and bit my head off coz I avoided 1 question in her email.
I won't go into too much details as it'd be too long. But she did over react and say that I create this "weirdness" when I avoid the questions otherwise she feels Normal talking to me.
She apologized when I explained why and when I said I'd like her to come out tomorrow with our friends she said Shr wants to and apologized
Anyways guess I'm feeling down as it's getting close her going away for a week at a festival and the little argument
But when do you know when to move on? Anyone else had experience?
And what about doing stuff that could! Jeopardize getting back together? like talking to other women etc or meeting... tbh I'm avoiding doing that, incase she wants to and asks to check my phone.. or She wants to get back together but then won't coz I've been around another girl?.....not that I'm going to do anything.. it's just boredom and company as in friend.
What would you do a.z if you were the girl in question and it was me and you?
P.s she also had a dream about me last night..but wasn't a good one, apparently I was " going down" on another girl infront of her lol
david,
i can say that she absolutely has feelings for you.i have been there before,when she over reacts on something about you this means she expects you to care more and be responsible about her.she hasn't asked to get back because she knows that you are still there and she knows shat you feel for her.i know you met her ac ouple of times before after you broke up,but she could sense that you still want her back.but don't worry about it from now on when you meet her be the way that you are with all of your other female friends.don't worry about the festival just wish her a nice time.she is not gonna move on over a week.and about your questions,no,you won't lose her if you talk to other girls.the most important thing is to put yourself before her. in fact using jealousy in a right way will make a backfire. i think if i was in her shoes i would be like what the heck????? what about his feelings for me? does he like that girl? is he gonna go out with her? what about if he falls for her? she doen't have to be sure if there is something between you but a little jelousy will help,i'm sure about it. one of the things that ryan teaches in the relationship rewind is to create scarcity and its in the second meeting which means that she get into a conclusion that she might be losing you forever,and your presence will be over cuz maybe you are attracted to someone else. you need to act like friends this time,try to have a nice time,make small conversations with her and again with all of your friends,avoid too much eye contacts,just be as cool as you can be.on the next meeting create scarcity and the third meeting should be a perfect date.your not gonna lose her if you talk to others,let me give you an example 3 years a go i personally broke up with a guy,he was begging me to get back although he did nothing wrong.and i told him i would never get back,he kept begging and crying for 3 weeks and i was just like NO.then he disappeared and about a week later i found that he is seeing another girl,i was like what the ...?? :O .and i contacted him ,asked him to come over my place.i apologized for whatever i did to him,told her i loved him and we got back together.so don't worry about anything even though she tells you she would never talk to you if you talk to another girl she will talk to you.just concentrate on your plan and be don't worry about anything.
David!
You can learn a lot of things from her!! She is the devil (just kidding A.Z, I love your frankness and honesty in teaching stuff, thanks)!! I bet your girlfriend loves you and is just playing with you! Don't get jealous of her going for a festival! Think of it in positive manner!! She will miss you there!! She might think like, "I wish we were together her!!"
Just like A.Z., I also had relationships before and have some clue about these mind games both girls and boys play!! I want to give you an example my situation which might resemble somewhat your: Yesterday, a friend told me that she saw my girlfriend and he added that oh man your girlfriend a amazing by her looks! Day before yesterday a guy that I hardly know asked me about my girlfriend!
Both of the above thing made me freak out the moment I heard about it, but when I analyzed the situation, it was nothing bad! First, she had a breakup and her feelings are hurt. She is doing a lot of make up in these days and wearing her best clothes. This means that at this moment, there is no guy in her life! Maybe she wants to prove something! Secondly, maybe this strange guy, who is also really good looking want to date my ex but I know my ex girlfriend's criteria! This guy, easily out!!
David, you did it great till now! Just follow what A.Z. said above!! About dating others, it will keep her in a situation that she will regretting the breakup and maybe run back (with speed of sound) to you!!! This is human psychology!! LOL
dara,
hahaha no i'm not the devil,you see i'm still stuck in my old relationship and still couldn't get him back after almost 4 months.he says he loves me and that he misses me and he really over reacts on his emotions over me but he never asked me to get back.the other day while we were on a casual conversation.he asked if i had sex with someone ( this was his second time ),i said we shouldn't be talking about this,then he insisted and i said no but it's happening sooner or later.he said if he ever understands that i did this,he is never gonna talk to me again.and i was like meh whatever,i didn't but both of us will do it.he said he didn't have sex with anyone and he didn't meet a new girl since we broke up.he said he likes to be my boy friend but again didn't ask me to get back.crazy right? :))).i have been acting cool all the time.and i never acted needy.after we broke up i immediately went on NC for 33 days,then he contacted me, he was chasing me for a month,he was talking about his emotions for me,we met,he talked about his future and i was in it.then i went to another country, something happened,he got too mad at me and blocked me on FB .kevin told me to go on NC until he contacts me.after 10 days he unblocked me and send my friend a msg to greet my birthday.after 10 more days he contacted me saying he feels bad without me and added me on FB. and here i am at the first place :) .i don't want to act like i'm frustrated but these 2 days i have been thinking of moving on.i still love him but i'm kinda too tired to try to get back with him.
A.Z.,
You know, I have a strong memory! Now, I remember your story!! What you did made your relation in some kind of jeopardy but to me it is not something that cannot be forgiven!! I think he is over-reacting!!
Well, I invited my girlfriend's friend to her B'day party to surprise her! I wanted to invited her close colleague friends to her B'day party! I asked my girlfriend who is her best colleague friend. She said Sherryl is her best friend and Sherryl is an ugly lesbian. I had met her before. I somehow found Sherryl's number and asked her if there is any close friend please invite her. She was really strange. She never replied my calls and only texted me back! Plus, sometime at night she would text me saying what's up? I would say good, how is B'day plan and I would get no response back!! Anyway, she did not come to B'day and as far as I know sent an email to everyone that I want to celebrate B'day for her colleague friend. I didn't want this. Whatsoever! Bday was over!! 3 weeks later my gf meets this Sherryl while we were together!! They had some talks together while I climbed went for hiking!! When I came back, she was cold to me!! As cold as ice! I expected a romantic evening, but my girlfriend said they both want to hangout! I was hurt!
I applied limited contact and she would reply me well but would not date me!! This was hurting!! Finally, she sent me an email that she want breakup!! I got mad and criticized her for being rude to me and mentioned whatever hurt me all those days!! I added that "I am teaching these point so that you learn to be good with you next boyfriend!!" She also went made and told me that she didn't like that I texted Sherryl at 1 a.m. I trully felt so bad!! Some mother fucker that I had invited for a B'day party and had cooked for had made such big lies about me!! I am still pissed off at that bitch!! Can't call her a bitch because bitches are more beautiful than her!!
I am amazed that my girlfriend never asked me about the validity of this story!! This one also hurts me!! Unfortunately, there are a lot of such personalities!! The fact that to her their idea about me is more important than what I really am hurts me!!
Hey A.Z., sorry my friend!! I believe now you are in good shape and I hope things go well for you! Last night, I also did not have positive feelings about the whole thing!! Hopefully everything will be great again for we all!
I did read this at the time but couldn't comment...I have to comment on this one as the others dont have "Reply"
I got a few questions though because I couldnt find your story,
Who broke up with who?
Has he been dating or do you think hes been dating?
How long were you together?
From me reading as a guy, I think you are in a fabulous pozition a.z....He definitely still likes you and think you could get him back at any time.
The fact that he has told you all of that stuff, but hasnt mentioned getting back together, Its kind of a guy thing and egotistical...Not him personally...but its in all of us men ha and yeah like dara said hiding his feelings. I definitely think you 2 can get together...its just whos going to be the one to mention it :)
He wants to get back together IMO but doesnt want to ask because he doesnt want to cave in basically (thats why id like to know who broke who etc)
Thats also why I think he is asking you so much about the dates and sex, because hes checking if hes going to lose you and testing your reactions to see if your feelings are still there..he doesnt want to ask you because you might say No....because youve been acting Cool and did NC etc so its got him wondering...
I would think next time if he asks if youve been on a date etc, you can do 1 of 2 things
a) Tell him youve been on one - it might kick his ass in gear to actually make the jump to ask you but could backfire
b) Tell him youve been asked to go on a date, but you are undecided on whether to go
I think b) is the winner personally...It lets him KNOW that you have other options, you said youve been on dates, but he doesnt know that....this will defintiely let him know that you CAN go on a date...but at same time by letting him know that you are undeicded, your not completely pushing him away..and it might give him the little nudge that I think he needs t actually mention getting back together
Thats my thoughts anyways :) but you are defintiely in a very good position!
Hope it helps x
Thanks a.z and Dara :)
Much appreciated, Yesterday is over now and I got saved by my friend who asked if I wanted to go to Pub so that took ym mind off it all ha, then come back to find these messages and its much easier :)
I do realise she still has feelings because "friends" dont argue or over-react the way she did....Plus after the conversation ended yesterday which was about 5pm.. she emailed me last....btu was driving so i rang but no answer and that was end of conversation....no contact then at the end of the night (10:30pm) she sends me a "Night night x" txt which she has been doing consistently for the past week now, which i have only ever iniated once.
Today is Saturday and I do feel very confident, Like I said Social events etc and meeting face to face is my strong point. Maybe she could tell I still had feelings for her the last 2 times I met her...because it was only me and her and it was so soon....but tonight is going to be in a pub with few of my friends etc. So itll be a piece of cake for me :)
If she doesnt come...she doesnt come..im not bothered and think ive done really well to portray and tell her that its completely upto her if she comes or not.
Thanks a lot so much :) going to gym in a few minutes tog et pumped for tonight ;) and hearing both of your stories is a big help too.
I understand a lot of men easily! I can read them like a book....but women.....thats like rocket science to me!
x
dara and david,
i think kevin's and ryan's system probably are gonna work for us.david i'm so glad you are so confident today and i love your attitude.i'm sure you will have a good night tonight.keep us posted.and dara don't care about her friend.what she can do against you, is not gonna last that long.again,most of my ex's friends were against me but after the NC my ex said he doesn't care about them at all.just never say anything bad about sherly in front of your ex.be cool.if you open the conversation lines again,don't bring up anything about the breakup reasons and negative past memories.we are all gonna be fine :) gooood luck
A.Z.,
Thank you so much!! You are really a great source of inspiration!! My utmost appreciations!!
Probably my ex knew that I will be there! She should have seen the head-count list! At first, I was worried that my participation can be interpreted as clinginess and an approach towards her (after all it was a program organized by their office). However, since there are chances that her boss tell her that we had a lot of fun, it can be something positive for me! Probably on Monday or Tuesday!
There will be a similar but shorter and indoor gathering on coming Friday and Saturday. Will probably see her there! Alas, outdoor ones are much more effective!
I have also been thinking about your case A.Z. He probably loves you! To many guys sexual life of their loved ones is important! Probably he has some clue or guess that you might be dating. He also knows that every date does not mean sex but the idea makes him a bit uncomfortable. By the way, are you back to him or do you stay in the new town that you were supposed to be temporarily? There are chances that he will ask for comeback when you are physically back to the same town!
Thanks again!!
A. Z.,
Hey! My girl broke up with me because she no longer sees a future with me and is no longer in love. We were on and off but somehow I am trying to seek for other girls.
She found it out and was so mad. She keeps interrogating me but she is consistent she doesn't love me anymore.
I guess, she felt cheated. Amd I think her finding ouy about the other girl made jer so furious and pushed her away.
Why is that so? Does that mean that she is really no longer in love?
A.Z,
I am truly a positive thinker! Yesterday, I was listing to the songs that we were listening together for the first time after the breakup. They effected my emotions for a while! I started my today with my own fun musics! Confident again, since there are chances that I see her today, I was thinking about the girls that I have been flirting with recently to push my ex away from the center of my brain! If things don't go smoothly for me, I will work on a plan B!! Life is more beautiful than wasting on regrets!! OMG!! I wished I could copy paste this instrumental display for you guys to listen! LOL :P
Thank you A.Z. and David!! TTYL LOL
great dara :),your right.life is absolutely beautiful.since we broke up,i went on as many as dates as i could,i did everything to regain my confidence and i'm feeling really great.although he never found that i'm dating others,but he knows that guys like me and he said that he is having a hard time when he thinks about it. you can say the song's name so we can search it on youtube .i'm listening to passenger-let her go :)
A.Z.!!!
I was to scream as loud as thunder : WTF!!!!
This morning, I was really high in spirit!! I wore my best dress to join and thought to myself if she does not have any grudge on me, she will have no resistance then!! I went to her office because they were the organizers of this trip to horse field in our campus. (Side note: I am a PhD student and she is masters student and she works in that office as a student employee).
She was not there and I saw her boss. (Side note: I had invited her to my ex's B'day too). She said my girlfriend was supposed to be here but she has sent her to a meeting instead of her!! I was laughing about 15 minutes because I had wore my best dress with the knowledge that my ex girlfriend loved formal dress, had a really nice haircut 3 days ago, had my best cologne on and she was sent to a meeting!!
No! No! No!!! I still want to shout "WHY??!!" Instead a wrong girl was attracted to me (LOL) and she was clinging to me, doing me favors all the time!! But I want my girl not others!! It was such a lovely, friendly atmosphere!!
A.Z., I love Paul Mauriat's music! He was basically a great composer! Elise, Gipsy River, Jeux Interdits, El Bimbo, Last Summer Day, Love Story, Le Temps Des Fleurs, and Asturias (Albeniz) are the musics that inspire me!! Especially Albeniz is my love!! There is no singing in these songs!!
I love Passenger let her go but it reminds me my ex girlfriend!! I used to sing it for her in her car when we drove to different places!! Only know... Oh, all these lines remind me of her!! Especially when troubles have appeared in our relation and I was low!! I truly need the light!! I needed the sun when it was -20C this winter!! This song made a lot of sense on those days!!
OMG dara,i know how you feel but it's ok.it's great that you feel too cool to see her and you went there.her boss has definitely told her that you were there.wait untill your NC is over then drop her one of the texts.or if you have a really good excuse to go there,go there again.and be charming like you were today.and have a really short possitive conversation with her (like you never had any feelings for her ) .the dissapesar again and after two weeks drop her one of the texts.
A.Z.,
Thank you so much!! You are really a great source of inspiration!! My utmost appreciations!!
Probably my ex knew that I will be there! She should have seen the head-count list! At first, I was worried that my participation can be interpreted as clinginess and an approach towards her (after all it was a program organized by their office). However, since there are chances that her boss tell her that we had a lot of fun, it can be something positive for me! Probably on Monday or Tuesday!
There will be a similar but shorter and indoor gathering on coming Friday and Saturday. Will probably see her there! Alas, outdoor ones are much more effective!
I have also been thinking about your case A.Z. He probably loves you! To many guys sexual life of their loved ones is important! Probably he has some clue or guess that you might be dating. He also knows that every date does not mean sex but the idea makes him a bit uncomfortable. By the way, are you back to him or do you stay in the new town that you were supposed to be temporarily? There are chances that he will ask for comeback when you are physically back to the same town!
Thanks again!!
your right,and i'm sure your gonna make it in the best way.i really wish you all the best lucks in the world. and about my case,i don't really know how he feels for me.it has been 4 days that we are not in touch.and no,i'm still not there but i'm gonna be there by the next 10 days.the other day he said he missed me a lot and asked me to get back to the country sooner but i gave him no obvious answer.and i'm not gonna initiate any contact.i don't want to be too available to him.i'm feel really confused about him.i just did everything i was supposed and the problem is he knows that i love him.i show nothing but he knows me better than everyone.he even knows all about my body language.we were having a video call,he asked me if i dated someone.i was just thinking for like 3 seconds and he said i got the answer you make this face when you are about to lie :O. then i told him i had no serious thing as dating a special guy but i met new people and i do go out with them.seriously i'm so sick of it.he is like the only guy that i can't read his mind.one day he is too emotional and one day he makes me feel i never knew him before.
A.Z.,
There are chances that he is hiding his feelings! Sometimes he is successful and sometimes he is not! You must understand this much better than me! Maybe he is faking emotions and sometimes he is real. But I believe that he is trying his best to hide his feelings!
Since he is asking about your sex, he probably loves you! There are chances that he get a lot emotional when you come back! Men are appearance oriented! It is said that they love what they see! At least this is correct in my case! I prefer breakup over long distance relationship!
My suggestion is simply be cool and think about the direction of your relationship when you meet him again! Only 10 days!! He is probably hurt by that drinking accident! Remember that I am still pissed off at that Sherryl!
It is okay that he can read you body language! But unless you approve it, he will never be 100% sure! I am also good at reading body languages (most of my ex girlfriends approved it and appraised it), but had some problem with my ex! Oh! I meant to say that unless they approved it, I was not 100% sure!!
Have a great weekend!! Will update more later!!
thank you dara,
yeah,i know all your saying is right.i think i'm doing the right thing and if he really loves me, his gonna ask me to get back this way.lets see what happens.thank you very much again x
have a nice weekend :)
A.Z.,
The weekend is going to end in a few hours and I am a bit low now! This is probably because I feel that I had a great chance yesterday and I feel that I will not get that chance back again! Other chances are simply remember the moment texts which I believe may not work for me because our end was sarcastic. She is probably hurt a lot and might need more than 90 days of NC to recover! Plus, as time goes on there are more chances that she fall into a permanent relationship which is not important basically because I will understand that I have to move on but it will probably hurt me for a couple of weeks.
A.Z., what is your suggestion about asking Kevin to open a page in which we could just leave comments for each other without interfering in Kevin's main comments/suggestion? I feel you just like me feel ease visiting this site!!
Hi all,
Hope you can shed some light on this please. Ok so here goes.
I was in same gender relationship with a girl, it lasted 6 weeks. As soon as we got chatting/meeting up we both relaised that we had a strong connection and feelings started to grow quite quickly. We both said we never felt like this before so soon and also both had the attraction.
The only thing was this girl had 3 serious relationships with guys in the past, but she said she always knew that she was gay. Anyway as the weeks went on the feelings grow more, and she actually came out to her friends and family, as she said no one makes her happy as much as I do. I am already out to everyone. Before she came out she was a little hot/cold as she didn't like lying to people. After she came out the feeling was fantastic I was so happy, but then she went to being cold again (I think this is her personailty being hot/cold) as she has a very stresseful job and alot going on in her life at the moment. I kinda messed it up as I said I can not deal with you being cold, so if thats how your going to be then we best call it a day. and she did it is now over. This was a week ago. I made even further mistakes by sending a card to her work to say sorry, and messaging her on the dating website we met on (as I delted her number so I didn't make the mistake of harrassing her) she called me on Sunday to say, stop contacting me your making me ill, your not the only one who is upset and hurt by this, but we are not right for each other, I scare her, it was unproffesional contacting her at work by sending the card, she will not change my mind, and now she has blocked my number. I have not made any contact since, but we both admitted we had strong feelings for each other when we were in a relationship and how happy we wee she even came out for me, do you think she be back or that is it now?
hey lou,
i think you need to follow the plan and since she has blocked your number,i think it would be better to continue NC for 2 months.do what kevin said during NC.i'm sure your gonna feel better.
So you don't feel there is any chance of her coming back, I know it was only for 6 weeks, but we both fell in love
of course there is a chance.yes 6 weeks was not that long but if you believe that there was a deep connection so its ok.i remember i fell in love with my ex during the first week. i suggested 2 month because you acted kinda needy and made her block you.and again that's ok .my ex once got too mad at me and blocked me i went on NC again and he unblocked me again.see? there is nothing impossible.i said 2 months because i'm sure first of all you are gonna be happy again by then,you will reach the control over your emotions so your plan is gonna be more effective.and during NC she is gonna be wondering what happened to you and why aren't you still chasing her.so all the neediness visions that she has for you will disappear and she wonders if you still feel something for her or not.since it has been only a week that you broke up,NC is way more effective.don't show any negative emotions.change your profile pic on Fb and upload photos that shows your having a good time without her in your life.share interesting pics and videos.there is a chance that she contacts you even less than a month.if she does,don't respond until the 30 days is over.if she doesn't wait another month then go on and contact her.also sign up for kevin's email series,it's wonderful.
Lou,
I'm sorry but I recommend you to move on. 6 weeks is too short to build relationships. Considering that she had 3 boyfriends, make me believe that she only wanted to make sure if she is a gay or not.
dara,
I think moving on is the best choice for all of us.but he just broke up and i think he has a chance.
I think you are right A.Z. Lou needs to think about it really hard! Maybe for two months.
But we are not fb friends and she knows i cant contacr her cos she has blocked me so she wont be woundering why im.not contacting her
doesn't matter she is gonna check your FB profile anyway.its ok,she knows you can find a way to contact her if you want.like you posted a card to his work.
Hi all hope everyone is ok this is a reply to A.z. I was in no contact for about 26 days with her until her birthday came up a few days ago asked her how she was doing then didn't reply telling her how I was doing just texted her I am glad its sorted and left it like that. If you scroll down you can see all my posts and try look into my life story. last time I was needy clingy maybe just over a month or so? I definitely know I had a argument with her a month and a half ago and went no contact. The question is shall I just start no contact again fresh for a month or so? The month of Ramadan is coming and its really difficult to work things around but like someone said no need to rush into anything. I just have a lot going on in my mind at the moment and its draining me out.
no contact is effective I understand that but what if I overdo no contact is there such thing? The question I am asking is how long do I do no contact again last time I was clingy or had a argument with her was over a month...
I guess another month of NC would be good especially cos you acted clingy and had an argument with her, 26 days of NC is good but would be better (I think and I hope I'm not wrong) if you could extend it another month, this way it would further distance her memory from your neediness and the argument. Perhaps, when the fasting for Ramadan is over you could send her the first text, it would heighten the celebration for you both during this feast and would remind her that you two have a beautiful thing in common. Perhaps you could surprise her with something new that you're doing for the Eid that she wouldn't expect from you, eg: cooking something challenging that she loves or making something that you two once ate together at a date etc... and made an impression on her etc... This way she'll remember a special date you both shared, she'll see a new version of you that she hasn't known yet (but hopefully would like to know) and regardless whether she's keen on getting back with you or not at this stage, I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from you after a long time and at a special time too... It would be perfect timing I guess... that's just my opinion and Good luck! xx
i think rihanna is right,but this time you need to prove that you have changed and don't appear needy again.i'm sure you can make it.
I think you are right A.Z. Lou needs to think about it really hard! Maybe for two months.
Im thinking of sending a text after Ramadan on EID day but I have no clue what I want to say or how shall I write it. I feel as though I am losing time and more distance is going to mess things up. I feel confusion, thinking to send her a text saying Happy Eid Guess what colour I am wearing today :P (purple) We both love Purple...
Hi everyone! Today I feel 'blah' and my mind is telling me to move on though I do miss him still. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to initiate contact with him anymore, even the thought of contacting him feels awkward. I'm 28 days into NC. I'm hoping for him to contact me first but in a month time or so if he doesn't then I'll send him the goodbye letter, more for my sake than his :)
Rihanna,
Thants good. Im happy to hear that you are finally starting considering moving ob. :)
Hey Rihanna,
If you had done NC for 28 days and still miss him, I don't see why not sending him a text like the one in Kevin's guide. Hopefully by now you are in a clear mind and should know whether you have changed during your time of NC. If you feel like you've positively changed, then I'd say go ahead and give it a shot to ask him to hangout, good luck!
Kevin i hope you read this when you get back,
Im proud to say that i am finally moving on. I guess the hope ive been holdin on to all this time is whats keeping me from moving on. I read that there is a special guy that makes her smile.
I sent her a goodbye text coz i just want to let it off my chest. And fate really plays its tricks on you. After all my text attempts that she didn't replied to before. She replied to my goodbye message. She said "thank you! :)"
I didnt reply ofcourse but it felt like the validation i was searching for from her so i can finally move on. But it also gave me another hope that we can reconnect again in the future. This is what i sent her. I dont really care anymore. I just want the pain to end.
"Hi jem. I hope you find who you really are and be what you wanted to be like you always wanted to. I hope you find what you are looking for in this lifetime. Be free from people who dictates and mandates what to do with your life. You're still young. Catch your dreams. Be free like you always wanted to be. I know that being a dentist is not your only thing hat you want. So go and experience the world. I forgot that it was also what i wanted. :)
I hope in the future i can once again be a part of your life. When you finally found yourself. When you are ready tot alk to me again. As of now it doesnt seem possible. Dont worry i wont force a relationship on you ever again. Yes, i still have feelings for you i would be lying if i said otherwise. Unfortunately it wont vanish easily as much as i wanted it to be but i don't let it get the best of me anymore. I also wanted to say sorry again just to clear my heart. Im sorry for taking you for granted. Im sorry your first relationship didn't go the way you wanted it. Im sorry i did not become someone you need. Thankyou for the hard lessons. You made me realize my mistakes. I promise to treat women better. I'll just make it up to mu next girlfriend. Thanks to you she will be lucky to have me ;)
You gave me a wake up call. I've taken action to change my life for the better. Just so you know im not in DLSUD anymore. Im in a place that i know i will be happy. :)
Maybe someday we can talk again. casual talking like friends would be great. Im looking forward to the day i can get back in your life. You were important. I cared for you so much so i let you go i dont want to be a hindrance to your life, i dont want to hinder your growth. Goodbye. Maybe someday we get another chance. Until then i won't lose hope."
What do you think guys?
Sorry jumping in Daniel. This email is close to perfect! I believe this is what is expected to be there in that hand written letter!! The fact that she broke the silence is a great achievement!! You are almost there in the friend-zone. I tend to assume that there are still chances for you! But really can't conclude. Anyway, you made me hope that one day I can somehow get a two-word response from her. Thanks!!
thabks dara! But i guess i gotta start a long nc around 3-6mos.
Daniel, I'm afraid one day you will regret wasting 3-6 months. However, I am not sure what would I do if I don't get any response after 90 days.
Look dara. Im not gonna wait for her. Ill just attempt contacr. Manu things can happen im about to make a drastic change in my life. New career. New place. New people. New environment. As you can see. I want to move on. But stillw ant to attempt contact after a long time. My case i guess cant be solved in such a short time.
I especially like the second part of the letter, it finished strong and hopeful... there's a sense of poignancy but it's beautiful, well done!
That's the best decision!! I agree with that!! We'll be missing you here! LOL
Dont worry man. Im here till you all finish your repsective challenges. We started together. Im here to the end giving comfort. Im just busy this week coz im transferingning in another school and hopefully another place. :)
Thanks rihanna. Actually i did not care anymore if it would look week. I just wanted to release all the emotion and whats left to say to her. And then move on. Thanks for appreciating. I wish you luck! All i can say is be strong. :)
well done daniel,wish u all the best!!!
How long did she wait before she started this new relationship? If she moved on quickly then I think this "good bye" message was pretty pity. You make her feel like she is control of you and can always fall back on you if it wouldn't work out with this guy. I think you should read Kevin's text again. You need to improve yourself again, let her feel that she lost you. If you manage the gain her respect again by improving yourself you will have far more chance of reuniting and securing a long term relationship in the future. You don't gain this respect by using pity, needy, insecurity and other emotions. As you said you learned a lot from this relationship and your next relationship will be more mature than your first. On the other hand if she waited a long time before entering a new relationship its more likely not to be a rebound. And it wouldn't matter how much you love her, love is a potion that comes from two. If she doesn't see you as a worthy partner, then there is no point wasting your time about thinking what the future can bring for you two.
Niels,
She isnt in a relationship yet. I think there is just someone making a move and she is attracted to him. Its been 3mos since our breakup. You know what, she knows im strong. My situation is kinda different so i cant follow the textbook here. Part of the reason we broke up was she felt less important. By making her feel that she has value to me is a good point. Another thing. Im not waiting for her or i dont want her to fall back to me. As you can read i want to reconnect as a friend. and after sending this i made a strong move by unfriending her on facebook. Besides this is goodbye. I have a lot more to experience. Getting back with her is not my first option anymore. I'll just let fate decide. If we meet again then there is a reason for it. As she once said" lets not force it, lets just make it happen" she needed to breakup with me because she needs to grow. And now i understand that reason. She felt unloved and unprioritized by me thats why she decided its not worth ut anymore. Its better to breakup and grow that to stick and get get hurt. I know my mistakes. I just wish i did not make them on her. Anyway life goes on.
Daniel,
My situation is somewhat like yours and I understand you. I had also taken her for granted in the first 5 months of our relationship. This is the hardest situation because you don't know if need to prove that you love her or show no affection. But if I want to write a goodbye letter, I'll write like you!
Goodluck dara! Remember not to weak. You can show your love but not too desperate.
Wish you the best. :)
Thanks Daniel!! I am jolly and fun loving! I will never repeat those mistakes again!! :)
Hi all I feel like I'm stuck in the friend zone with my ex girlfriend with the texts. If you scroll down you can see the scenario I'm in. I know she still feels something for me but I want to be more than friends. I can't be friends with someone I love so much everyday I think about it and it's killing me inside. I wish I could make her understand what she means to me. It's been about 9 months we been broken off. Please scroll down and see the situation I'm in. Advice needed thank you all for helping me out.
hey musa,
again,don't WORRY about the falsefriendship,your not stuck in the friendzone untill she talks about her feeling for someone else.and even if she does ,there is also a way to get out of that stage.it's been 9 months and you know that she still has feelings for you so why are you so nervous?.this is a great chance for you to get her back.don't show her your feelings please.trust me if she has feelings for you she is not gonna look at you as a casual friend too.the more you try to show her your ok being friends,the more chance you can get to get her back. i am also in the falsefriendship and actually i'm happy about it.i also love him so much so i think it is worth it.i highly recommend you to read ryan river's relationship rewind.
Thank you so much you are really helpful I will read it when I get the chance. I just hope she ain't talking to me just to get with someone else if that makes sense. Either way I will keep you posted in a few days if she doesn't text me I'm thinking to write her a text but looking at the samples I have no idea what I'm going to send her. I'm just confused zoned out my mind is wandering in space. Once again thank you A.Z a sample text from you would be great just can't think of anything at the moment.
Well I assume she has feelings for me I sense something is still there. We was in a relationship for 4 years feelings don't just got away like that so yeah I'm having a hard time.
if you have been in such a long term relationship and its already 9 months that u broke up and she is not still over you,then you have a chance.you should know that the old relationship is over and from now on everything is new.you should use the positive points you had in your relationship and forget the negative points.you need to reach to a positive mindset.you should be confident on what you are doing.you should be patient and trust yourself,be cool about everything.don't think about the negative things and let go of the fearful what ifs... .your gonna be fine and yes i will send you a sample text but you need to think what to send to be more effective on her. it should be something like: haha i know this is random but the craziest thing just reminded me of you :D :p( smiley face is good here to show her that it is something playful. then she is gonna ask you what is it? and you should think of a moment you had in bliss when something funny or memorable happened.it shouldn't be something romantic or a bout the time that you two were doing something intimate. then you can tell her: remember the time when we went to ( the place ) and we did ( something really funny and interesting that you did together) ? i think she will say yes. then tell her i just saw a photo that reminded me of how much we laughed there,then send her the photo and add a smiley face like your laughing :))))))))))). i myself did it the same way and it really worked.mine was the same dialog and the photo was a couple in cinema that were laughing so bad while everyone around them was silent(awkward right?haha). you should think whether it was funny to her or not,its really important that it is a bliss reminder.and again it shouldn't be romantic at all.and she doesn't have to know that you are doing this to get her back..i think its gonna be more effective after a little of NC so she doesn't see it as a sign that you want her back.if you have acted needy and asked her to get back after the NC, make it clear that you have accepted the friendship over the relationship.then go on NC for a little while and then send her the text.
Awesome thank you so much I think I done this a few months ago but she just wrote Lool That's it. Let's see the only thing I can think about is the time on the bus when some man sat on a girl by accident lol. So how long do I go no contact for again? Last text I sent was yesterday saying I'm glad it's sorted. Thank you so much you gave me a little bit of hope appreciate it. I just hope she ain't using contact with me while getting with someone else. She's very quiet and strange. Too many games. Would be nice getting your email or of you don't mind regular checking this page as I'm always posting these days.
i think it depends on how much you have been acting needy,and when was the last time that you asked her to get back.have you ever been on NC for a month? and if yes did you ask her to get back or acted needy after NC?.you need to work on yourself and don't be obsessed over her reactions.don't think of the negative things all the time.thinking too much makes the situation harder,it makes the problems more complicated and makes you feel you are in a worse situation than you really are.i don't think if she is using you to get in a new relationship with someone else.why would she do this? was 9 months not enough for her to get over you and move on?but you see that she still has feelings for you.seriously you need to work on yourself and become a happy person who is not worried about every simple word she says or her silence.as long as you are obsessed with her,she can sense it.and you can't follow your plan in an effective way.don't worry if she still feels something for you,even if she starts a new relationship (i'm saying if in the worst case scenario ) ,its most probably a rebound which won't last a long time.but if she was to move on and start a new relationship,i think she would have done that by now.so don't worry about it.work on your self esteem and let her see a new you that is not nervous and needy at all.if you have never been on NC till now tell her you are sorry for acting needy and pushy lately and you have accepted the breakup and you will be glad if you guys could still be friends after some time.then go on NC for a month or 6 weeks and during the time follow what kevin said to do.its not that hard,believe me you need to accept that if you ever want her back you should do it and change something about yourself and get rid of your obsessions and fearful thoughts.don't be scared of the word ' friends' .its for your own good and once she finds that you prefer the friendship over the relationship,she will get closer to you the way you want.you need to handle your feelings.if you don't when you see her you will get more emotional and ruin everything you went through till the time.then you should start it all again which is not what you want.i'm sure you can get over this situation its hard sometimes but hopefully in the end you will get what you want.
Hey,
Kevin I miss u so much.. its been just two weeks of no contact and my ex asked me out last night.. I don't know whats best to do.. I didn't reply to his mail..
I know kevin is not there.. so please someone help me..
hey dew,
i personally don't know your story,i wish kevin were here so he could help.but i think in the most cases we shouldn't break NC.if you are really feeling bad not to answer his mail,just tell him thanks but i need some space for now.then after 2 weeks you can send him one of the texts. hope i'm not suggesting the wrong thing.
Thanks a.h. :-)
Hi All,
Just thought Id post for an update and some opinions, Im having a bit of a down day yesterday and today.
So far following on from her last emails asking if I had met anyone, She has been texting/Emailing me casually, Ive been replying as normal and trying to ignore the "emotional" side, She asked what I was upto 1 night and I said going to a friends house...she replied saying "oh a 'friend' ay!" (basically implying a female friend) and I said no, it was actually 2 friends to which she said "I do her head in lol, your not simple like normal guys", she said i should of just said the names of the ppl instead of beating around the bush by only saying "going to a friends" and that I would complain to her if she said the same thing instead of naming names.
Anyways, During this normal conversations yesterday she was on about moving out to a flat etc and I wished her goodluck, she still txts me goodnight etc,
so she is initiating most/if not all of the contact now as im only actually replying to her...
Today I initiated as I had a genuine non relationship question for her which I know she could help me with...she is emailing me etc and we somehow got onto the topic of her saying she dont know what she wants to do (in terms of life, holidays/mortgages etc), and as Ive been casually talking to her and I mentioned about myself that I want a mortgage, she mentioned she doesnt want a mortage or commitment of that by herself and I agreed to an extent. She said "well lets hope you find yourself a gf for when you want to move out"...
Basically, i honestly do feel uncomfortable talking about me or her having a gf/bf...though I havent asked and she hasnt hinted at her having a new BF or moving on...But I am very confused today...we are talking normal and casually but it seems to be more based about us both moving on..which im playing it cool but dont like it tbh
Im confused at all the hints of me moving on or having a girlfriend...shes going to a festival in a few days so theyll be plenty of opportunities for her to have some "fuN"...and i get the impression that shes hinting at me moving on and saying "Its not bad is it, its been 2 months hasnt it?" and looking for re-assurance for her to move on
Do you think im right in assuming this?
Should I email back and ask why she keeps mentioning about me moving on witha gf? Should I tell her if she wants to move on etc then do it...dont keep hinting at me doing it first etc
Any ideas?
Thanks a lot
Oh and I think she tried to start a drunk conversation with me the other day..she didnt call, but messaged me at 12:30am, sayin "oi" and when i asked why she messagedme, she said "I dunno, just thought of you whilst eating"...turns out she had been on the night
i think she is just saying this to see what your answers will be.like if you want to move on or get into a new relationship.or maybe she hopes you say something about getting back together.i kinda did the same things with my exes before.i think you should tell her that you don't need to use a girl to move on and right now you are enjoying your life the way it is and there is no girl in it for now.and about her,tell her that its her life and she has a right to do whatever she thinks is right. then ask her not to talk about the breakup and whatever bad that happened between you in a polite way.then bring up something funny and change the topic.
Thanks a.z,
I kinda did think about asking her to not bring up the gf thing..but I just replied pretty much as you said here is what I sent
"Oh thanks, you make me sound desperate to find a gf! and that im on some sort of friggin time table! lol
Im not interested in anything like that at moment, I need to sort myself out first ha x"
She replied after that but not in a nasty or cold way, and we ended on a funny note the conversation has ended now, so thats cool.
Im not sure she hopes I say something about the getting back together, as it was only 1-2 days ago she mentioned the "We dont work but I do miss you" thing. and she does know my feelings for her.
We shall see what tonight/tomorrow brings to see what/if she texts me...Tomorrow is Friday when i said I would take her out but I havent mentioned it since...so we shall see if she mentions it or not...then on Saturday she is on about coming out whilst im out with our mutual friends, so im just going to be myself.
Thats my strong point :)....Im very good at been myself and having a reallygood time....very good at communicating socially and face to face..not so good through writing :)
Thanks
cool david, wish you all the best for the meeting. doesn't matter if she said its not gonna work but she misses you.i said the same thing to my ex but i'm really in love with him.i absolutely told him that i don't want him back anymore he became mad and i got my answer that he still cares.that is kind of a girls psychology i guess :D.but i'm sure she has feelings for you and you can change this stage by acting like friends.let her doubt about your feelings and wonder whether you still want her back or not.and once you meet and she see that you are all happy and confident and enjoying your life without her,i think she will second guess about the breakup decision.
David,
Whenever I read you notes here, I felt that we are dating the same girl! Especially that her ex was someone named David! LOL In fact, my breakup was not out of blue and it was gradual indifference from her! Moreover, I always heard this nasty sentence, "go and find yourself another girlfriend". I kept silent every time because I did not know what to say! In the last days, she went deeper and started making paragraphs like, "there are so many good girls around, why don't you find a new another one. I'm sure they will make you happier than I do". They really made me uncomfortable. My response was usually silence or I would say, "I love you more than anyone else". I think probably I shouldn't have been so direct.
Anyway, I think I am learning things from you and A.Z.'s comments here!! Good luck to both of you!!
hey dara,
you are right,you don't have to be that direct.in fact she doesn't have to be sure that you still have strong feelings for her.i do believe its too hard when it comes to controlling the emotions and i'm also working so hard on myself. every time you want to show up your feelings,just remind yourself that you need to control it and its for your own good.wish you all the best :)
Hey A.Z.,
Thank you very much!
I don't know why I had turn this way in this relationship. Even she would confess that she is surprised that why should I love her so much. She had come to conclusion that all my previous relationships were terrible. At some point, I concluded that this assumption is extremely dangerous for our relationship. This NC helped me gain a lot of things including my composure. At this point my aim is to break all such assumptions about me and I know, I have only one option; play it cool!!
Thanks again!!
Haha, Im sorry and glad your in the similar situation to me :)
Its hard, but also makes it easier to talk about if we are in similar situation!
Yeah my ex said she wasnt good enough for me etc but this was after we broke up, but like yourself I used to be silent and not say stuff. I also made the deadly mistake of telling her how much I loved her. For me...the big turning point in her initiating all of the contact was what my friend told me in person, it was this
"Basically, dont ignore her, just reply as normal, dont bother timing your replies etc, if you see it and want to reply instantly, then do it if you want, but just reply normally and try to remove emotion..bit more more "Aloof". Reply in a friendly way as you would a male friend I suppose, sometimes a female friend, answer her questions if she asks you some, but just bluntly and dont try to keep the conversation open too hard..just do what is normally acceptable"
So basically If she said to me "Hows you? Been upto much? x" I would just reply "yeah im good thanks, just been to pub and cinema with Rich, how about you? x"
If the conversation ended, then so be it, I could notice the conversation drying up sometimes and it always ended on me sending the last message...(i sometimes think of how to start it back up....but I hold back)
Then suddenly I would get a message from her late at night saying something simple like "Night x" or the next morning, just with her telling me how shes tired or something...again I just replied something kinda normal like "haha, Why so tireD? should get to bed earlier! x"
For me personally!...This was a lot easier then NC for me..I did a week of NC until she contacted me..but ignoring her I think fans the flames, Also its a bit too hard on me personally to IGNORE someone, but for me personally me knowing that im replying and not been ignorant and leaving the ball in their court, its a big help to me.
If she wants to strike up conversation she will do with me and ill reply, if she doesnt then im not chasing her.
She seems to of recognised my change straight away I think as you can see from my posts below.
good luck!
Thank you David! For the reasons you mentioned I believe I have less chances, but I am naturally a positive thinker. I think this helps me most of the time in human-human relations! Good luck again!!
Oh! A.Z. and David, I just remembered something funny about her mind games! Once, I caught her and told her that I want to talk to her! In short, it was like this, I: "I want you to help me to improve the quality of our relationship and I can do anything for it", She: "You are too selfish, I'm not happy in it", then I: "So, what do you suggest?" She: "I am sure you will resist again, because you are selfish", I: "No, I will impose my idea, what ever you say, this will be ultimate decision", She: "I want breakup". I: "Okay, we'll break up" She: "What?? You are okay?", I: "This is what you want, I should not be selfish" She: "We need to think more about it", I: "How much? When will you let me know about it?" She: "This weekend. Come to my house, we'll talk about it" I: "Okay!"
That evening, she sent me some pics, some emails, etc. but on the weekend, she did not respond to my message as a reminder for the meeting. About 1 a.m. she texted me "What's up?" and I said that I am watching some movies with friend. Next week, she told me that she wanted to breakup and I resisted. Also, she told me that she wanted to invite me to her house, but I said that I am busy!!
We'll I still don't understand that why do I am looking for such person who keeps playing such games with me!! Maybe because my friends and I believe that I had a beautiful girlfriend! How cheap of me!! LOL!! Anyway, there are chances that I meet her tomorrow. If her behavior is welcoming, I might talk to her. After all, its my 55th day of NC!
yes ,these are some psychological problems that most of the girls, including me have :D .try to keep the conversation in a friendly way and short.she doesn't have to feel anything about your feelings for her.if she is welcoming ,wait one more week and send her one of the texts and then little by little ask her out. wish u all the best :)
Thanks A.Z.! I will do my best if I get the chance!!
Im a mess! I saw a guy posted a heart on her wall on facebook. I let go of a few tears. But thats it. I dont want to be hurt anymore.
Daniel, my friend, stay strong!! Maybe its better to see that she is really gone for good!! Then you can have a conclusion in your mind on what you are going to do next! I hope this Facebook poster guy is not even a rebound one, just a pest! I don't know who is in worse situation, but I can't even see what's going on on her Facebook! I also don't know how did it end for you. Daniel, since you have done 90 days of NC and did not get any result from text or post, I suggest you to see her somewhere somehow and if it didn't work just move on!!
Hi everyone, Does anyone have the format of the hand written letter to send to me? I know it's on this site but I can't find it :( ... thanks heaps
Hey Rihanna
The format I have for the letters was from one of the emails that Kevin sent me. But if you scroll up this page you get the basis of the do's and don'ts of the letter. Good luck writing it. I have decided that's how I'm going to break NC and have a draft written already :) If you need more information I can do a cut and paste
Thank you Steve, I have not yet received that email and would very much appreciate it if you would cut and paste (if no problem)... I wish you all the best and hope it goes well for you ... keep us posted :)
Quick update again sorry to bother everyone on here..
I texted her saying: Morning you okay? How's ur day going? X
She replies back:Afternoon I'm ok.. Well I jus woke up.. Wbu? How's things.. Sorry I needed to know something but it's sorted now.
It just seems like she's asking in a friendly way but I don't know... I sense she misses my presence but then we talk I just feel as a normal plain way. Do I go back to no contact? Do I reply back to her? I wanted to see her next week she doesn't even give a kiss(x) back after the text. I feel like I'm back in square one. Feel really low than before to be honest. Thank you all for helping me out.
it's ok musa,say that your glad its sorted.i think you don't need to restart NC.just wait for a week and if she contacts you be nice and friendly,act normal like you are just friends and stop the kisses(x) in your messages.if she doesn't contact you wait 5 more days and send her the s.th reminded of you text.the text shouldn't be romantic it should be something interesting and funny that both of you enjoyed in the past.don't get too personal with her during the conversations.for now you need to get yourself close to her by acting like friends,she doesn't have to feel that you want her back for sure.
Thanks A.z u just replied back saying I'm glad it's sorted I didn't reply back telling her I'm fine... Il give it 5 days and see what happens... Everything just seems to be on a standstill she's just being plain. I believe it's mind games. Thanks for your support.
don't worry about the mind games,follow your plan i'm sure your gonna be fine.she is not over you.
Yes thank you so much the problem is Ramadan the fasting month is on the 28th of this month where we can't see each other.So how shall I play it out. I feel upset that I didn't even buy her nothing. Everyone is saying something different let's hope I do get a message from her real soon.
musa,
you didn't have to buy her anything when you weren't together.don't rush the things,be cool and wait for the time. doesn't matter if you can't see her on the fasting month.just think which one is better? trying to rush things and possibly ruining everything you've done till now or being in touch with her and meet her when its the time.and during this time you can prove her that you are happy and doing well in your life and improving your personal life without her.be sure this is really attractive to everyone.
and you can have the conversation on skype or other video calls during the month.that is also effective .
Hi Musa
I just want to agree with what A.Z is saying. You are upset that you are back at step 1, but that is actually the place you want to be at right now. The way I see it step 1 is the start of something new with your Ex and that stage is all about building up the friendship you have with your Ex. You have open the lines of communication with her again and that is a good thing. A.Z is right STOP texting kisses to her. You have to treat her like a friend and nothing more right now.
A good way of seeing it is consider building your relationship like climbing a mountain. When you first met your Ex you were at the bottom of the mountain and you had to climb through all the different stages from casual friends to close friends to dating stage to get to the peak of bliss. When she broke up with you, its like you fell all the way to the bottom of the mountain and in order to climb back to the top again you have to start at the beginning with just being a casual friend to her and working your way up.
Don't be discouraged
Hi the thing is I'm sure she is always willing to text me as a friend but I need to start progressing Il wait a few days if she texts me which I doubt she will. Then maybe drop her a text. I don't want her getting used to me as just a friend I'm confused. I know at the moment we are on a friend level but what if she just wants to stay like that. I been thinking about it for 3 days ever since I texted her happy birthday.
thats what everyone here calls it falsefriendship.you just want her to think that your ok being friends so you can talk to her or meet her without appearing needy to her.then you can build attraction and get back to bliss after some times.there are some rules about the meetings and conversations that if you have been following kevin's emails then you should know about ryan river's relationship rewind.you can find all about the relationship stages, rules and the falsefriendship in his book.you don't need to worry about the falsefrienship unless she talks about her feelings for someone else.
Kevin,
I believe I wasn't able to receive your emails dated June 5, 9, 11, 15 and 16.
Sorry but I am really looking forward to your mails everyday.
Thanks!
I want to share this with you guys. I am still suffering from this. Im not sure if this will happen to you also. But just incase. I am having a hard tme accepting that i am doing well without my ex. I still want to share my happiness and success with her. It pains me to think that she is not here to rejoice share my accomplishments with her. Its still hard to accept for me but i am still moving on. I guess this is normal. Hopefully after sometime she will reply to my text. But i dont think its anytime soon. :(
Daniel,
Hey! It is happening to me too. I kinda miss her at times but not the obssessive kind of miss. I can go on days without contact.
It feels good because I have never experienced being by myself before, only now and surprisingly I am doing fine. Back to the first time I went here being such a mess and my emotions were all over the place, I never thought that this day will come when I will be fine without her. IT's thrilling at the same time frightening because I don't know if I want her back. And if ever she initiates I dont know if I still want the relationship. Haha
Goodluck, Daniel! Enjoy yourself
Thank god you shared this Daniel cos for sometime I've been feeling like everyone of you here is doing well and moving on and I'm the only one not progressing. I feel sick all the time, I want to cry sometimes but can't, I wait til I take a shower to cry out my pain but once i'm there I actually sing hahaha... I always surprise myself that I haven't cried in the shower cos that's supposed to be my only 'me' time where I can let my feelings out. I'm also very disappointed in my ex that he hasn't texted me first and why should we be the ones seeking after them if they're the ones who caused us this pain. Then, a lot of times I think 'who cares about him? I can definitely go on and live without him' and though that's true, yes I can, I don't want to be without him cos he's brought me a lot of happiness in my life. I would live great without him but my life would have better meaning with him in it, that's how I feel anyway. So, you're not alone in missing your ex and good luck to all of us surviving this kind of pain.
Well guys actually im kinda sad while writing this comment. Im kinda obsessing my ex unconciously this few days. Im checking her twitter through my sister's account coz mine is blocked. Well, i found out that someone is making a move on her. She disnt mention if she likes the guy or what. It kinda dealt a small blow in my chest but on the bright side i did not freak out. I accepted the fact. What can i do my ex is pretty. Haha! You know what guys. What i learned in this journey is that its better to move on. Dont waste time on things tou cant control. If your ex doesnt want you then fine. You cant control how they feel. But you can control your reaction and own feelings. So focus on what you can control. Will you let your ex ruin your life? I dont wanna. Imagine you are a bird in a cage once then your ex set you free but here you are doing everything and desperately wanting to get back inside the cage. You see there are opportunities around you. Opportunities that you cant pursue if you are in a relationship your ex. There are good things that opened up in front of you. You just have to shift your view from your ex towards them. Its not over, life goes on. Goodluck guys!
Hi Rihanna
Don't worry I think everyone here has varying degrees of missing their Ex, just I think sometime we can be better at putting the mask on and hiding it. I forced myself to have a good weekend doing various things by myself and at the end of the weekend I did feel good and for the first time began thinking that while I miss my Ex I can be ok if it doesn't work out. However the last couple of days have been tough so its still very much up and down for myself.
I think the biggest issue I have right now is that my Ex was my first girlfriend in 8 years and I experienced a lot of rejection from girls in-between that period. That's why I really felt like the 9 months we were together were literally the best time of my life and I was living in bliss and I know she felt it too. I imagine its like you start out seeing the world in black and white and you're ok with that, then all of a sudden you see the world in colour and everything is amazing, then its ripped away from you and you go back to seeing the world in black in white again but now you have that sense of what you have lost and black and white just doesn't cut it anymore
Also, at my work there is a guy who broke up with his girlfriend 3 weeks ago and he was telling me that over the weekend he went to a local bar and picked up a girl and slept with her. His advice to me was I just do the same. However I'm not really the smooth talker and don't feel comfortable going to bars to chat to girls so I feel like I'm facing another long period of being single, which just makes me feel down
Steve,
Sorry to hear more on your story! A friend used to say that there are ups and downs in life and at his moment we are in some down, and ups will come later!! I hope this NC will work for you!! I am a smooth talker and can basically flirt with anyone but the fact is that I still love my ex girlfriend a lot! So, its hard for me as well to sleep with another girl! It seemed to be easy 2-3 weeks ago because I was still angry at her for dumping me but not anymore!! Maybe its a phase that I am going through towards my mental health!!
By the way, what team do you fan in Football World Cup?? I love Brazil, though its not my country, and I don't have close friends from that country!!
Thanks for that Dara.
Yeah I hope NC will work for me too...haha. But I hope it works for us all. I know all of us are struggling with the feelings that we have towards our Ex. I was more astonished that the guy at work who had been with his girl for 3 years could easily be unphased by the breakup and get straight back into the dating scene and that literally is his attitude.
As to the football question I don't really have a specific team I support, but have been watching a few games this world cup (Generally I don't follow sport as I'm more of a geek :) )but today I was amazed at how well Chile played, they showed a lot of skill against Spain and deserved the win and I was cheering England on when they lost against Italy.
We really need a good forum to have various topics here :)
Steve, England lost another one to Uruguay.It was a lovely game!! Truly, I love all American especially South American football teams! From European ones, I like Dutch and England. I am happy that Holland took revenge from Spain!! Except for England, I love the world cup this time!!
Daniel,
Nice to hear again from you! Its hard! Post break up symptoms are there usually for 6 months! Its tough for all! Most of the time I drink to fill up my lonely times.
I also know that my chances are slim! Really slim! Only miracles can make it happen! Today, I was thinking about how needy I had turned once upon a time! Unbelievable!! Apparently, I had lost self-control!! I had turned weak!! How pathetic of me!! But it was me, I can remember that! It was me!!
Even now, I still miss her! But I know that there were a lot of changes in me! That "me" is gone!! Yesterday, I was invited to watch World Cup with some Brazilian friends! We were supposed to meet at a bar-restaurant. Ironically, this restaurant was in front of her house! While we were coming back, I watched around to see if I could see her car!! I am sure that I missed her! I wished that we were not broken, so that I could go to her house right after the game, and kiss her and cuddle her!!
Anyway, she is not there and she did not respond to me either at the end of 30 days of NC!! So, I hope to see some of those Brazilian girls again!! ha ha ha...
Hi all quick update after sending her the birthday message her reply being thanks...
She then messaged me several hours later saying can I ask you something? My reply was: ...
No reply after that from her I'm thinking what did she want to ask me? Do I still wait a week and drop her a text? I think she just wants to know if I'm still interested I feel she is playing head games? I'm so eager to text her saying what did you want to ask me? I feel like a fool replying ... Any opinions?
Hi all its been two days since the birthday message etc. Just now I have texted her saying morning How's your day going? I am waiting for the reply afterwards I will ask her what did she want to ask me? Then I'm hoping to text her saying if she will like to go out next week as time is running up and it's the fasting month on the 28th I feel hopeless but I have to stay strong. I hope I haven't messed up. I'm just so curious with what she wants to ask me could be anything I'm so lost!
Hi Musa,
I think sending the "..." was a bit of a mistake, you should of just something normal like "Sure, what is it?" etc
But anyways, I think you should wait to see if she replies, if not, just leave it and let her cotnact you...even if she does contact you, I would say DONT ask her what she wanted to ask. This is how I see it...if she is playing headgames with you...then you ahvent risen to it....and if she genuinely wanted to ask you a question...she will still want to ask it again, she possibly just got put off with your "..." answer.
She will just be as curious to you, as to why you are NOT asking what she wanted ;) if you see what I mean? I think she will be expecting you to be wondering what she wanted
I think david is right.i kinda think of this as a mindgame. wait for her to contact you and don't ask her about what she was going to say.if it was anything important,she is gonna ask you again anyway.and i think you shouldn't suggest to hang out the first time she contacts you.wait for atleast a couple of short conversations then you can use one of the text messages,so she can see that you are a happy person again,you are not thinking about her all the time,something reminded you of her accidentally,you are confident again and you are not telling her to get back together.
Hi
So basically Iv lost the girl I love..we're broken up 4 months I did no contact after the 3rd month and tried to start a friendship but today she told me she had started to see someone else. It crushed me and I can't be friends with her. Too hard to do, I'm sure most of you understand. I've decided to let her go, cut contact again and get myself to a great place. If we happen we happen I'm just going to let everything run it's course. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered advice and help it's greatly appreciated and to Kevin who's emails I still cannot get enough off. Truley inspiring stuff. Probably won't be on this site much more but Iv learned so much from it and Kevin's emails that I will no doubt take into whatever relationships I will end up in...scary stuff lol. To those who love someone and want it, go after it and never give up. The greatest thing is having that special connection with someone so just don't give up.. I know I'm saying that after saying I'm letting her go but I deep down think we will cross paths again. Again thanks everyone :) feel so liberated ha
Hi James, don't give up yet and actually, don't do anything until Kevin comes back in a few days. I find it hard to believe that she's moved on despite seeing someone else I think she must be on a rebound. Be cool about it (I know it's very hard to do) but if she's willing to be your friend still that means there's hope and a good chance that she's not over you. So, be her friend and when around her be the bubbly confident person she fell in love with, that will bring nostalgia to her emotions then take it from there... Good luck!
Hi
Thanks for the advice. It seems like a lost cause being honest. I told her I still had feeling for her and it would be too hard. She then said sorry she thought I just wanted to be friends
Hi James
Sorry to hear that, but totally understand. I think you get to a stage in the aftermath of a breakup where you start questioning 'Am I putting my life on hold living in the hope that I will get back with my Ex?' It certainly can be a hard stage to be in as there is no solid yes or no answer. All I can suggest is get out there and enjoy life and spend time with other friends and family if possible. Give it a few weeks and just spend time doing stuff for yourself and hopefully in that time your emotions have settled more to decide where you want to head and who knows maybe your Ex will see you out there having fun and she will want to be a part of that too
hi james,
I'm sorry to hear this,and i know how much it hurts.but there is a chance that she is in a rebound and i think she still has feelings for you.tell her that you accepted the breakup and understand her and you respect her choice.tell her you are sorry if you acted emotionally and that you will be friends after some times.and wish her the best in her new relationship.don't let her know that you are having a hard time and don't show obsession over the new guy.it is hard but i think this is the best way to get what you want.then work on yourself,enjoy your life,go on dates and wait for her to contact you.if she doesn't,then you can contact her after a few weeks and show that your ok being just friends.
So we talked after she confirmed she's in a relationship..I wasn't exactly cool about it..I know she has feelings for me I called her on it and she never answered me..also told her I want to meet up cos I know this and she has agreed to meet with me tomorrow
James,
Sorry to hear that!! Probably its the toughest thing in the world that you are handling!! I hope I can handle it the same way do it right now, if I hear the same story! I hope you win her again but whatever happens I wish you the best!!
So we met up tonight..I tried my hardest with her. She's happy with this guy and they're booking a holiday tomorrow. Wrenched my heart out. So just text her there the most heartfelt message wishing her every happiness and that hopefully someday we can get back together but when I'm moved on il contact her as a friend. Hardest break up Iv ever had without doubt and Iv lost an amazing girl..plenty more fish the see though, right? Lol
Sorry to hear this but as you said James, there are tons of fishes in this ocean! There are a lot of stories to begin!! Though, there are some good stories that we never like to get over but who knows maybe the next one is amazing too!!
My ex texted back! Yesterday we talked for a couple hours via text and that seemed to go well. I just sent him another positive memory text and this one is a little risky I would think since it's the first time I've brought up the relationship with him. I'm hoping for a positive response since everything leading up to this text has been so positive.
I know it's a slow process but my gut said it was the right time to send the text...now I'm just anxious to see what he says. Fingers crossed it's a positive response!
His responses were really quick too, like he was really engaged in our conversation. I would wait at least five minutes between texts :)
Hi Rina,
That is really encouraging to hear that you have been having texting conversations your Ex, I would recommend just continue to keep calm. I know from previous experience long ago you can get all excited because you have struck up the friendship again, but you have to remember it is still very fragile and if you appear over eager it could push him away again. I would suggest that you now give him a few days NC and just do some stuff for yourself, unless he initiates a conversation with you, even then just keep it low key. Also keep your ear to the ground for any plans that may be happening with friends in a social setting over the next couple of weeks. ie friends going to the beach, movies or doing something as a group. It could create an opportunity to invite him along too. Good luck
Rina,
Its seems you are in right track!! Good luck!
He hasn't texted back. I'm afraid that text might've came across too eager for him, even though I reread it over and over I thought it would've just gave him a positive memory of us. It's hard not to feel totally worthless when your ex doesn't text you back...I'll give it a week of NC before I try talking to him again. I thought I was going so well...is there anyone having success in getting their ex back?
He's away for work so he won't be home until August. I know the issues we had can be resolved. I know this is all about patience but it's so hard not knowing :(
Any positive thoughts from anyone? I can't seem to shut my mind off now that he hasn't responded. I miss him so much today!
Hi Guys and gals
Bit stuck here!..So my ex started initating contact with me, only small texts here and there...I started to reply but not ask her out and be a bit more Aloof with her...I think shes noticed.
Anyways she starts today asking how I am (small talk) etc...Then she sends me these emails "You know although we dont work I really do miss you as a person and stuff! I just feel all on my own ha!
Obv got my mam and that but cant always have a laugh and stuff with her "
Anyways, A few more emails of me kinda avoiding getting into the whole "missing" thing and just explaining politely and cooly that, we were so close as friends ccoz I had feelings
Now shes asking if ive met someone!...Ive avoided the question a few times and she said "its not a bad thing if you have" and Ive agreed its not a bad thing, although havent gave her a direct answer!
What should I do? Why is she asking me? I actually dont see what the point is...we are on talking terms...I dont want to lie by saying I have, when I havent....but I dont want her thinking she ahs me as a backup plan!
Thanks a lot!!
hey david,
i thinks she still has feelings for you and she cares about you.she is also hurt from the break up and she is confused and that's why one time she says she misses you,one time says it's not gonna work and one time asks if you have met someone.don't let her notice that you get upset,be cool.for now don't bring up anything about getting back together.tell her that you just want to be friends with her.and seriously,act like a friend.let her understand that your ok being just friends,then you can talk to her and meet her without being needy.and about her question,tell her you went out with friends and met new people but you were not officially dating with a special person.i know how confusing these feeling are but trust me it's not as complicated as we make it.try to be cool and don't rush things.
Hi a.z thanks for the reply again :)
Basically think I did all the things you said to do except about the special person. I kinda tried side stepping but she pressed, so I just answered honestly and said no. Then basically after that 2 more emails small talk but not specific about my answer or her question.
I'll see what happens over next few days, she might be popping out on Saturday with me and my friends, but not that I asked, it's mutual friends etc
Hi Everyone, Since ever my ex posted a piece of work on his facebook that we did together and I helped him in it a lot I've been feeling sick and having mixed emotions. I've completely ignored his status of course, didn't like or comment or anything but I completely ignored it but I'm sad that he is well enough to go on facebook and whatsapp but fails to acknowledge me. I still have some of my things at his and I would want them back eventually, perhaps soon, and I don't know how to approach him about my stuff after my NC. I'm thinking of sending him the 'something reminds me of you' text in about a month time and if he doesn't reply I'll give it few weeks before I request my things to be dropped off somewhere where it would be easier access for me to collect. Any advice on this? I feel sick and disappointed what an a**hole he turned out to be... especially cos i've done NOTHING wrong to hurt him and don't know where this awful attitude is coming from. Anyway, your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Rihanna,
See the positive side! He posted something that you both accomplished together! So, he remembers you! You should not freak out on such things. Instead simply follow the plan! Also, I recommend you to use hand written letter! Such letters have stronger effect than anything else! Good luck!!
Thank you Dara, always good to hear from you especially when you answer a question that's been on my mind for a while without me asking first. So, you think I should do the hand-written letter? He loves my hand writing but I don't know what to say in it other than the odd thank you, I accept which is nice but won't instigate a proper response like a quick text with half shared info. Do you think it's a good idea to make him bit jealous in my letter or text? Not in a bad way or that I'm seeing someone new kind of way but rather in a friendly endearing way... I could use info about us and reflect it back to tweak a bit of jealousy in him but not make him angry. What do you think? How would you feel if you received a hand written letter after a break up? wouldn't you think: "OMG she hand wrote me a letter cos I've ignored her texts, what a desperato!"? My 30 days end in a couple of days but I've extended my NC until next month (july 5) the day we met... What would be the best thing to write to instigate a response and make him wonder for real? Thanks heaps Dara. Hope you've been well :)
Rihanna,
Dara isaright. It is something positive that he posted both your work it means he's not bitter nor mad because if he is then he would get rid of anything that reminds him of you. I think he posted it on facebook because it is there where you can see it unlike on whatsapp,etc. I think it is his subtle way of lettingyou know he misses you. Maybe he thought if ever he will be posting that and you are well aware that it is both yourwork, he might be expecting thatyou will contact him first to talk about that thing he posted then later on talk about rando things.
But I suggest don't get too excited and break the NC yet. I can see he is somehow missing you, maybe you can still prolong the NC until he will realize that you don't care anymore and maybe you might have moved on already. If I am right with my interpretation, i can see that in the days to come if you won't break NC, he'll be the ons to come running desperately back at you.
Idon't mean to give you false hope but it is what I feel. Anwyway, continue doing NC.
:)
Thank you Raed, I pray to God that that's the case with him... he hasn't been on fb and only came on to post the piece we worked on but again why doesn't he message me especially after I texted and called him like crazy for two weeks after we broke up (yes I went nuts lol). Anyway, if my story ends up positively then there's hope for everyone here ... your message gave me some hope and sort of took some hurt away, I hope all goes well with you also and thank you for your positive message regardless of the outcome :)
Rihanna,
I guess he is not responding because you are acting clingy and desperate. i think he is afraid that if he will respond to your messages, he might be giving you false hope of getting back together IMMEDIATELY.
I think he is just as confused as you are. But he is trying to deal with the situation using logic and not emotions just loke what you do.
I think there is still a chance for the two of you since that what his act means to me. But he still appears distant and cold because you are being pushy in getting back. Give him sometime to know himself that he wants this relationship because if you will continue being pushy, he might get back with you just because he is feeling guilty.
You habe broken up with each other because he is not that stable and as a man, it hurts his ego. If you appear clingy then he will think breaking up is the right decision bec you are both weak at the moment.
Give him time to sort out his feelings and give yourself that time too.
Thank you Raed, your advice is great... I only acted clingy for the first two weeks but I've been in NC for almost a month! I can't believe I made it a month and I have been socialising and looking after myself but in the meantime I'm getting a lot of comfort on this site that I'm finding myself that I'm happier coming here and venting than to actually do the 'getting back with ex' hahaha... But you are right in every aspect. Do you think he'll respond to my text or message me if I don't? Do you think he's missing me? you seem to have read him like a book is Raed your real name or are you him in disguise? hahahahaha...
Rihanna,
To my understanding, a hand written letter is much stronger that a text! Maybe, he will preserve it somewhere or simply put it on his desk and read it over and over! For text message, he will probably delete it when his inbox is full! Especially in your case, that he is not in good condition, it is more likely that he is not after another girl. So, don't hurry!
About the post, maybe he is getting afraid that you are already over him, so he wanted you to miss him! Maybe he wants to make you contact him! Maybe there are thousand of other maybes, but who knows which one is truth! He will contact you whenever he feels its the right moment. Let him feel that there is a right moment by being cool! Have a great one!!
PS: The format of the mail is already there in this site!
Hey Kev... so,my ex contacted me and he wants to get back together..we broke up before 2,5 months (i told you the story before),but since then,i met this new guy,who is 22 and 17..he lives in a different city than me,2 hours away,but he comes to mine really often because his family is here.We've been talking on skype for more than 5 hours a day,and he is really great.He is really mature and he knows what a woman wants..He's been great to me,listening me and have been here for me,i really like him and i can see a future with him...Before my ex initiated contact with me,i have been missing him a lot but now i don't know...I really like this new guy but i still love my ex and i know that my ex loves me.This new guy is black and my father is really racist so if i want to date him,i will have to do it one year secretly since i'm going to France to study in one year,and we've been talking with this new guy that he can come to visit me (we aren't together yet)...But then i don't know if i can have a long distance relationship with him without even having it close at first..I love my ex and want to give it a shot but i don't want to go back to the same old stuff,having him hurt me over and over again,make me cry,and just break up with me so easily like he did before...I know that this new guy would never hurt me like that and i'm afraid if i stop talking to him for my ex,and i get hurt,i will regret it deeply letting him go because he is really great..please help me ASAP !! thankss!Any other responses are welcome
RD,
I don't want to judge or suggest anything, because I believe its you who has to ultimately decide but there are two point that I have learnt recently here that I would like in restate:
1-If this new guy you are with is not rebound by the definition, I should say that you are in honeymoon stage with him and everything seems rosy at this moment. Can't really say he will never leave you. Every relation starts great!
2-Many believe that after the breakup, reunification is hardly as strong as it was before breakup. In other words, second breakup is more likely when the first one has already occurred because there exists some fundamental problems.
PS: I did not want to make negative sentences here. Sorry if it looks like. I simply did not want to value one of them over the other! Hopefully relationship with anyone of them should be great and full of joy for you!! Good luck in making your decision RD!
Thank you so much for your response..at the beginning the new guy seemed like a rebound but now that my ex is in the picture i'm challenged between them..i need to have a face to face chat with my ex first and discuss some things....truth is i don't want to hurt this new guy either because he seems really great!
RD, sorry to interfere but I suggest you stay away from this new guy or keep it platonic at least until you sort out your feelings and your previous relationship with your ex. Otherwise, you won't only end up hurting both guys but you'll get hurt DOUBLE to learn that you may lose them both because of your rash decision. IMO tell the new guy that you're not ready yet for a new relationship but you value his friendship and let things grow organically from there... if it's meant to be and you two end up together than great if not at least you wouldn't ruin a friendship. Also, I think you're keeping your ex on the side so that if things don't go well with the new guy you'd rebound back to your ex and vice versa (sorry if this is harsh) but I care and advice you to sort yourself out, your feelings and YOU until you become whole again before seeing someone new. I'm telling you this from experience and would hate to see you hurt because I didn't give this advice. I wish you the very best, good luck xx
RD,
Hey, so you are saying that this new guy is great and good and mature and you see a future with him. And you are sure that he wouldn't hurt you. But how sure are you? I mean, honeymoon stage feels great but you haven't seen yet the real him not unless you go into a relationship with him.
And the things you are telling us about the new guy, isn't it the things you are telling yor friends when you are just getting to know your ex-lover?
I suggest don't jump and grab him right away. The fact that you still feel for youe ex can be considered that somehow this 'new' great guy is a rebound. We humans get thrilled by the unknown so it excites you to be with this new guy because you already know howit might end up with your ex again. This new guy might be better than the ex orcould be worse. I guess you find him great just because you are broken at the moment and any amount of affection and appreciation from others, no matter how little, you get turned on and hyped up so easily
I suggest you get away for awhile from them both. Maybe you have stronger feelings for the new guy because it is something NEW. It is exciting because you don't know what's in store. It gives you a hope that this time you'll make it right and good. But do you really lovd him? Or mahbe you are just overwhelmed by his presence because it allows you to forget for a while or distract you in the problem you have with your ex. I dont think jumping intosomeone new willhelp, it might make it even worse.
Give your timeto think and heal for awhile. You wouldnt want this another relationship to be another heartbreak again. Assess yourself first
RD,
I can see that you are playing safe bacause you said you are afraid to not talk to the new guy to clarify things with your ex. It is human nature to playsafe but it is unfair. Whether you lose your ex, you have this new guy. Or when you lose this new guy, you still have your ex.
If thatbnew guy reallyis great, hewill understand if you will ask him some time to think becaussyou've just broken up. You are in your most vulnerable stage that whatever affection you get, you feel so loved. So maybe you are just mistaken that you like thisnewguy when in fact you just get excitedbecause come on, who wouldnt?! But isnt that also what you feel with your ex before?
It is hard to weigh te pros and cons and hard to compare because tho they are guys they arenot on the same page. You cannot compare a new guy to theoldguy. And chances are the new guy will win because you find him amazing and you no longer like yor ex because you have seen his flaws and all.
Do NC on them both for you to be able to assess. It is still early to jump into a new reationship. It is like you were wounded and you put a band aid on it instead of cleaning it and allowing it sometime to heal. When you jump into this new guy and the moment you see his flaws, will it not end in break-up this timd?
Allow yourself to grieve firstbecause i think you are not getting the whole picture. You wouldn't want to carry past baggage into your new one.
Goodluck!
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AMAZING ANSWERS!! YOU REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT THINGS THAT I HAVEN'T THANK YOU SOO MUCH!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HELPED ME,YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE!
Thing is,i don't know if i can see the new guy friendly,we've been skyping for many hours and i think i have to cut it off to smaller periods of time.
Got the text message after I wished her happy birthday saying: Thanks..
What text message do I send her after two weeks? Kevin?
hey musa,
there are couple of examples in the 5step plan.the text should be like 1) something happened in your life that reminded you of her. 2) reminding her of good moments you had together. 3)letting her know that you are having fun in your life and meeting new people. the text should't be too short or too long and it should be all positive. you can read the examples if you need to understand it better.
and kevin is not here untill june 24th.
Hey Kevin,
just wondering, is it necessary, you think, to apologize in the letter if I've already done it a few days after the breakup?
Cheers! and thanks in advance.
Or if anyone else (since Kevin isn't here) has any suggestions that would be greatly appreciated. Cheers!
hey,
we don't know your story,it depends on what you did,and if you really think that you should apologize! .
I was about 26 days in no contact and I have wished her happy birthday today. I have kept the birthday message short let's see if I get a reply. What do I do? Go no contact again? For how long? Thank you
Kevin told me do not reply for 1 or 2 weeks after the birthday message... I feel lost again.
hey,
if kevin already told you what to do,then you know what you should do.
Yes just got a reply back saying: Thanks...
greaat,wait 2 weeks and send her the text.good luck :)
So we basically broke it off 3 weeks ago because of us constantly fighting. I used to be very needy andy clingy esp the last 2 weeks of the relationship. We are LD and that took a toll on us. We said that we would take some time off until he would come back home in exactly one month. I did NC for 3 days and then he called me on Skype crying and saying he missed me and stuff. It was so nice talking to him again that way. We again said that we would talk in person once he's back. However, I called him twice to see how he is, I missed him a lot and couldn't do NC. He responded saying sweet words but not as the time he called. I told him that I don't think of us as broken up and he aggreed. I let a week pass and then called again, to find him telling me he wanted to call me too because things were not going ok with him, problems with work, his schedule was not going as planned. He said it was nice having to talk to me about everything. We talked again once more after a couple days, but that time he was not in the same mood, he told me that we are broken up and that I was being pushy and that he didn't want to talk about the relationship at all, which I didn't want either in the first place and the call was about other stuff we were doing at the time, but we ended up talking about us somehow. He kinda seemed intoxicated and acting all strange. I didn't like his behavior and asked to end the call, however I felt bad afterwards and sent him I'm sorry if I was pushy. He didn't respond. We haven't talked in 5 days and in 10 days he's coming back. He also told me that he hadn't really done any serious thinking about us because of his heavy schedule these days, which I don't really know how to react to, because it's all I've been thinking lately. Do I have a chance? I'll be doing NC until he's back and wait for him to call once he's here.
hey trina,
i think,yes.you do have a chance.but you need to follow the plan.if you have been acting needy you shouldn't break NC for 30 days.this will change his visions of you as a needy pushy person.if he contacts you many times,just tell him you need some space and that you will contact him later.you need to do NC for your own good.to feel better, be a happy person and let him miss you and find that he might lose you forever.don't let him think your available whenever he wants.
Hi Kevin
I don't know if you still have links to my past comments explaining my situation? But anyway after just over a month of no contact my ex texted me last night asking how I am with kisses at the end like he used to when we were still together. I responded saying I'm good and asked about him but put no kisses back. He asked about everything else and I just responded back neutrally. I obviously want him back but I responded in a way so he doesn't think I will just come running back to him. Was this the right decision? My dad is scaring me saying I've acted too cold and he will lose interest, is that true? Have I blown my chance?
I think you did great. You showed syrength and power. In my opinion you shouldve been a little upbeat but its no big deal. If he texts you again be more welcoming but not too much. If he doesnt contact you. Contact him after 2 weeks IF nc is over.
congratulations sarah, you did great.don't be too cold.be friendly but don't let him think you are flirting with him.don't be available all the time and when you are on a conversation, be nice and cool and positive,show him you are having a great life.don't always initiate contact first let him chase you some times.i think this way you will increase the chances that he suggest the meet up.good luck !!!
Sarah,
I believe you did it in the best way. It was strong and concrete! Now he will think, "WTF, why is she cold? Is she over me?" Probably contact you again to see what going on! ha ha ha
OMG! my ex posted something on facebook for the FIRST time since we departed and he posted something (though about his work) but it's something we both worked together on and spent a lot of time and emotion on this project. Does that mean he misses me? (that's plain stupid thinking I think) or did he post that because it's the last project he did? Or because I messaged his brother briefly (see my other comment) to check up on him it's a way to tell me he's still alive? (lol). I feel very sick my stomach is churning after seeing it, I'm shaking (how pathetic!) Obviously I'm still bit weak :( ... By the way, I went out yesterday for bbq at friends and had a great time and today had lunch with my sister... so I'm not obsessing!
Good for you for going out and having fun. I have found going out helps unless I get really drunk so I don't do that anymore and it feels great. I would say yes he misses you. I would suggest not messaging his brother unless you 2 are really good friends and I wouldn't talk about your ex. They are brothers so they will share it. It took me a bit to really stop finding ways to check on my ex but it will help you once you do it. I am just about at the contact point this week and I am really excited about it:) I feel good about myself and really enjoying life!! I will be a changed man when we do get to meet!! Best of luck to you! PS this song helps me feel better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izkqPdVAdL4
Dear Jeff, I just read your comment on one of my older messages and would like to thank you for your support and for recommending the song 'Something like Olivia' - it's great! I hope the reason I haven't seen you much here is because you've resolved your 'ex' issue and are happy with your life. All the best :)
PS: This forum needs better arrangement cos it's hard to follow up with everyone's comments in the way it is...
Dont fret over it. Its hard to assume things because we wouldnt know for sure. As kevin will always say. Ignore it. Assuming things give you expectations. And if you are wrong youll just get hurt and be back at being sad. Just ignore it for now. He may miss you but he doesnt want to talk to you because if he does he would already have.
You are absolutely right Daniel, thank you very much for your advice and support... I'm not even bothered by it anymore... I hope you've been well :)
Guys,
Guys my ex wont respond to me. I assume im at deaths door now. But honestly im tired. Im feeling better and excellent but every failed attempt is disappointing. Its like a major set back. You feel a bit of pain in your chest and you have to recover again. This process is tiring me out seriously, it's draining, ut sucks the life out of me. I think ill be giving up sooner than i anticipated. I think its best if i move on. I wont initiate any contact anymore. Shes a great woman one of a kind ofcourse because each one of us is unique. But ill find something different. I feel down right now although not intense. I wish us all the best.
daniel,
don't give up just because you'r at death's door.i came out of it 3 days ago.and it's not impossible to get out of.it's good that you feel ok to move on.enjoy your life,just give it some more time,even start a new relationship but then if u feel something for her i think there is chance to make the situation better.if you'v read ryan's relationship rewind that's what he suggested.anyways wish u all the best luck :)
Congrats az! You just passes through deaths door!
Daniel,
I understand you. My ex also did not respond to my mail as well as my text. I am also in the stage of almost giving up on her. I already knew that I am on the death door stage. I even don't hope for the 60th day. I pretty sure that she won't respond to my next text too. What makes me still hold is that some portion of brain is crying for it but not the majority. Anyway, I am still there. LOL
Also by comparing your first week of break and now, you should congratulate yourself for such an improvement! For me, I am glad that I saw the mail suggestion here, so my mail was not on begging for a come back, but it was on saying that breakup was the best to our relationship and we still need some more time and space before becoming friends. I even apologized her for writing so many love letters after the breakup and related them to my unstable mind after the breakup and that more thoughts are required for such letters. It was truly manly! I loved it!
Daniel, my foremost motive is/was to make her understand that I was on top of her the first time we met and it ended (psychologically) the same way. I am truly happy with the NC. Probably I won't get her back but I will get back my manly image in her mind! Even move on is more manly, Daniel and more independent move! Be glad and congratulate yourself. Open up a bottle of beer and enjoy it! Cheers!!
Thanks guys. I am actually happy for myslef because i made a lot of progress. Maybe i just cant fully let go of her yet. Ill really open a beer! Haha! Cheers!
I completely forgot. Today is the 3rd month of our breakup lol
Daniel,
You comment made me laugh! I will also drink tonight and celebrate regaining my mental health! Whenever I drink, I don't even think about sending texts!! I love this feeling!! Cheers to us!!
Yep. Drinking to celebrate is different. It adds more joy and satisfaction. Cheers to us! Cheers to our minds that got over our hearts!
Hi Daniel and everyone,
Daniel, do NOT give up just yet. It seems that wherever I go there's a conciliation story of some sort between couples and unfortunately it's instilling false hope in me though I have this intense feeling that the stubbornness and pride of my ex won't allow reconciliation to happen anytime soon. But most reconciliations happen after a long time has passed and only reunited these couples through pure luck or fate. So, yes there's some hope in reconciling but unfortunately this may happen only when least expected, and not during NC, or when you've moved away and moved on. I'm saying this from other couple's experiences and ,just to be clear, I never initiated this sort of conversation it just happened.
Also, I may have made a mistake but not sure and I need advice on how to fix it or whether it was the right thing to do or not. Well, my ex's brother changed his profile picture to a pitch black nothing and that got me very worried especially cos my ex is not well. So I sent his brother a brief message on facebook saying:
"Dear x, your profile picture got me very worried. Merely as a friend I should be worried so I hope you could find it in your heart to answer to this message and let me know if there's anything wrong, if only a few words of comfort. I do hope you're all well and good luck with your exams."
I'm worried that I may have done wrong by messaging? I am worried about my ex and perhaps the choice of his profile pic seems bit irresponsible on his brother's behalf. What can I do to right this wrong? (if it's wrong, I'm not sure). And if I don't get an answer at all from his brother what should I do then? I'm extending NC another month I think. But in your opinion, do you think it's completely over if my ex ignores my message when I text him in a month time? Plus, he's kept my books at his place does that mean that one day we'll have to get in contact to collect my stuff at least? What does it mean when a guy agrees to keep his ex girlfriend's stuff at his place but ignores her messages? I'm feeling bit down today, the more I socialise the more I realize how much we're good together... Any advice? any help?
rihanna,
I think you shouldnt have messaged him. You were just assuming that his action of changing his profile pic has something to do with your ex. and due to emotion and attachment to your ex you cant help but ask him about it.
Look. It came from you. Try to move ln first. Settle down. In ny opinion you are still addicted to your ex coz you still worry about him to much even with little things. First of all let go of his brother. I think he is not helping. In my case i am close to my ex's sister because she is my friend really. I dont use her to get close to my ex. I dont miss my ex when im around her and im not asking for updattes about my ex. I just vent out my feelings and sadness to her just what friends would do.
Read articles about how to move on and how to heal a broken heart. Dont be afraid. I was also hesitant at first but it will help you ease the pain and sorrow. Goodluck!
Thank you Daniel. You're right I should just ignore everything about my ex and his surroundings. I'm not bothered by it though. Your advice and support are much appreciated. Good luck on your end and if she doesn't come back, someone and something better out there await, that hope is beautiful in itself.
Daniel,
Today I felt what you mean by getting tired! This evening, I was tired! Tired of my undecided mind!!
Rihanna,
I can see how attached you are to your ex. How long have you broken up? I guess it's time to quit it. Not quit hoping for a reconciliation but quit contact. Quit any contact. Ive read through forums that they should have learned about Nc as early as the breakup because most of them are regretting of the whole begging, pleading thing.
I hate to break it to you and i know how much you are hurting but i would like to tell you something because i know it might help and orevent further damage to you emotionally. The more you make yourself available to your ex, the more he feels empowered. Because he sees you are not yet over him. He plays this game on you and you allow him to. The more you make yourself available to him most of the time the more he will not value your presenceimply because you were never absent.
Do yoursef a favor, QUIT ANY CONTACT. No matter if he is sick or whatever drama he gives yiu. He is enjoyinh his little game for sure. I know how cliche it is to love yourself and that you deserve better but come to think of it, the boy you are most worried and concerned about, does he think about you? Does he care abut you? You know the answer.
He is taking time to do better without you, why not do the same? Sometimes it takes a lot of hurting to learn. And i would rather hurt you with the truth than to allow him to playyou more. The more you run after him the more he feels empowered, the more he can feel that HE IS IN CONTROL and he is your toy. You are allowing yourself to be a doormat and guess what, it is very unattractive.
Rihanna, i know it is hard. But somehow i have pulled myself out a bit of that running after thing so i want to be of help to you. Do no contact. Dont tell him why or how or until when. Do NC suddenly. In that way he will get confused, esp if you have been so clingy then did no contact. It will confuse him, it will remove his power of pkayinghis games on you. He will suddenly feel un-empoweredbecause you are no longer his toy and doormat. He will suddenly panic into thinking that you finally get tired. No matter how much he contacfsyou dont show any interest.appear casual because if you apear clingy again, he will think that you are still weak. Show him wht he's lost.
The moment you stop running after him, the moment he will get confused. And if you become consistent in NC, he might be the one to run after you this time. Just do NC now and if you ever get him back, you can thank me later haha. But if not, ask yourself if you would want a boy who doesnt want you.
Goodluck, and keep us updated!
Thank you very much Raed, I've been doing NC and I'm three days away from completing 30 days but I'm even extending it. I'm in NO CONTACT with him whatsoever but I vent in here cos I miss him and sometimes wonder if he does. But I totally agree with you, I'll never give him the power to make me feel weak cos that's unattractive even to myself. I did act clingy when we first broke up but that's history now! I'll let you know when I contact him in few weeks time if he'll respond and I might get you guys to check my first message to him for some advice. For now, I'm holding on and enjoying life... thanks heaps for your support
Daniel,
How can you say you are on death's door? Maybe she's moved on or on the process but is really firm with her decision of breaking up.
I'm on NC for a week now. And I miss her at tines but not like the crazy miss. At times i want her back but i tell myself that i just miss her not love her. And somehow it helped me to accept the breakup because somehow i really did. I don't know if it will be time for you to move on unless we hear from Kevin but I think you should somehow consider moving on.
I told myself that if I can go through a month of NC with herstill not initiating contact, i will move on. I wouldnt want to waste days and months of doing NC and wanting her in the back of my mind. I guess it is wrong to do NC with the purpose of expecting her to want you back. I guess the main purpose of NC is for you to go on with life without her and atthe same time little by little moving on. For me, i will just be wasting days and months if i will still run after her after the NC, IMO.
If you did Nc for months and expect her to want you back, you just wasted those months still clinging unto her instead of feeling good alone for the time being. When you do NC then she wouldnt contact you, you'll just feel disappointed and hurt and you will see yourself back again to square one. You'll not notice that a year had gone by already on you werent still able to move on. Kevin said if she's cold then be cold. If she's playing hard to get then let her.
You can do the NC again but this time consider moving on too. You'll never know if she needs a year or so to heal and to take away the negative image you have on her. It will be hard, brother but you have to save yourself too.
Goodluck! Keep us updated!
I've talked to my ex on three separate occasions via text. I initiated two and he initiated one. All were short and sweet and positive from what I could tell. I texted him yesterday a funny meme and told him how it reminded me of a past time we had. The past time wasn't romantic but it was filled with great conversation. Anyway, he hasn't replied to it at all. He works where sometimes they can lose cell reception but from what I could tell he was in a place with reception for a while before losing service.
What would cause him to not respond? How long should I wait to initiate talking again?
Rina,
As far as I can recollect, you did a great job last time. Making him initiate a talk was superb. For now, don't think negative. Maybe he had/has a real busy day. For next times, I recommend you to ask him for out. I am not sure but "good-old memory" message is sweet for once but it will be too sugary if you use it more. Face to face conversation can spark a lot of positive emotions. All you can do now is to wait for a while. Maybe a couple of days and then initiate another conversation. Good luck!!
Dara,
Thanks so much for being here for me. Since we have kind of a long distance relationship I think I need to build a little bit more rapport before seeing him face to face. He's going to be gone until August (he'll work three months straight) so it'll be a little hard to see if/when I can visit him. I think I might've been too sugary, but after his reply I was going to start asking about his work to get him off that subject. I think waiting a few days will be a good idea. I'm starting to get anxious and that can't be a good mindset if I want to get him back.
Thanks!
Rina,
Anyhow you wouldn't see him until August. So you've got enough time to play it cool. Take this time to prove him that you are mentally strong. This will make him miss you when he comes back. When you talk to him before he's back, try to have it on Skype. Good luck!!
Dara,
Do you really think this will help him miss me? I'm sure he has to already miss me a little after dating two years and having all these serious plans..
Plus, coming home to no one and an empty apartment is going to hit him eventually, right?
hey guys,
i think dara is right,be cool and confident this is really attractive.try to have the conversation on skpe or anything like that then be funny and positive or everything you know he likes about you.this will make him miss you more.don't bring up anything about the breakup or any negative memory.show that your doing great in your life without him and you are successful and enjoying your life,talk about the good things you are doing with your friends,this makes him want to be next to you when your having such a great life and also show your support about what he is doing.
Rina,
As Kevin's articles say, yes he will miss you. He already missed you a bit. Also, as Kevin's articles say, every missing someone does not guarantee reunification. They are two different aspects. An empty house will probably make him miss old good days more but, is that still sufficient enough for him to make a move towards you, no one can say.
For now you simply prove yourself and him that you are a strong independent girl. That is more attractive. Good luck!!
hey guys,
i think dara is right,be cool and confident this is really attractive.try to have the conversation on skpe or anything like that then be funny and positive or everything you know he likes about you.this will make him miss you more.don't bring up anything about the breakup or any negative memory.show that your doing great in your life without him and you are successful and enjoying your life,talk about the good things you are doing with your friends,this makes him want to be next to you when your having such a great life and also show your support about what he is doing.
I texted my ex today. She didnt reply lol. Start of classes are tomorrow and its a holiday today in our country. So i grabbed the opportunity to greet her and wish her luck on her studies. I also tried to create false friendship. I said that i hope in time we can be friends coz she is a good person. It would be nice and cool. And not a budge. Now im watching her social media to see what she feels about my message. I also noticed that shes in a lot of pain right now trying to release it through quotes and random messages. She also tweeted to one of her buddies that she might have done bad decisions. Im not assuming it pertains to us. But i hope so! Haha! So there you go. Anyway i am moving on for the good of myself. :)
I just received kevin's last email in the series. It was sad. His emails were really a bug help. Even the last one still gave me hope that i can get her back. Thanks to kevin everyone here finds comfort. I am aware that somehow that he is slowly teaching us to move on but at the same time gives us hope and a foghting chance to get our exes back. You are a great person. Helping people in despair. Though i cant give you anything. I appreciate you a lot. You really helped me in an emotional level. I cant thank you enough for what you did to me. I am also studying about breakups and female psychology. In time i hope to return the favor by passing it on. After my ordeal has passed i will still try to stay active here and give suggestions and comfort to others. We owe a lot to you kevin. Thank you.
he is amazing,i can't imagine how i have always been acting wrong in my relationships.he helped me a lot and i wish i could do something for him in return.he helped me through those horrible nights,he changed my life.changed my perspective of life and relationship.i learned alot its kinda crazy but till now i have helped 3 of my friends in their relationships LOL. when it comes to my own relationship i still get a little confused but i'm working myself. now i feel kevin is like a friend that has always been supportive and now that he is away i kinda miss him.
Daniel,
I agree! Kevin's way gives us hope of reconciliation witj our exes but at the same time teaches us how to move on in a healthy way. I didn't think that two ironic things could go together but it somehow did. It's like getting your ex back but more on how to get ourselves back.
Thank you so much, Kevin. God bless your heart.
Daneil, a.z. and RAED,
I believe Kevin witnesses people who are lost and wounded in the jungle of their relationship come here. Also, he guides them until they are somehow found and healed. Even though many start their stories by phrases like, "My case is very special", I believe to Kevin its the same old story. Yet, his response is implies, "Yes, lets see what can we do"
I should confess that I was one of those who would suggest that you should bluntly tell a friend to move on, if they broke up. Guess what!! My best friend in this town did it to me and I never spoke about my feeling about to him anymore. However, Kevin does it with the knowledge of psychology. He does it with style!
Thank you Kevin!
Guys,
Is there a way we can talk more conviniently and get in touch better? Like a facebook group chat or some sort. Do u know anything like that? I believe it would benefit us all. :)
Guys,
Is there a way we can talk more conviniently and get in touch better? Like a
group chat or some sort. Do u know anything like that? I believe it would benefit us all. :)
Daniel,
I guess this is okay for now. Maybe later Kevin can add an open forum for discussions but there are chances it get out of control with unrelated remarks. About other options, it is highly important to be anonymous. Its a secret meeting between us here! LOL
Yeah I like that idea too and hopefully it can get suggested to Kevin about creating a proper forum to share, discuss and encourage. I know I mentioned a few days ago, but like Rihanna I went across to the forum that Kevin linked and it is populated by the same 2-3 people who are very harsh and critical. One of the posters says almost the same thing in every thread and she has posted over 5000 times. It really shuts you down in a negative way, that's why I like coming back here most days as you get solid support from Kevin and from all you :)
I support this message in saying that Kevin with his daily emails has helped me the most over the past 6 weeks. You are doing a great job Kevin, thank you very much. I like the fact how you can balance out keeping hope alive for us, but still helping us prepare for the worst case scenario. Plus I have to say this has been by far the best community of readers around in supporting one another. I put that down to the fact we are all in the same position.
Thanks again Kevin
Thank you Steve, I enjoyed reading your message and I think I may have a friend in that neighbour of yours 'the lady with 20 cats' lol. I really enjoy it here as well, I think the genius about Kevin's forum is that it's open for everyone to come together and share their stories about something we all have in common, unfortunately. In any event, it's been great to meet new people and I feel like I've made friends on this forum. This might sound big cheesy lol, but it would be sad to cut connections with each other cos I've received more support from your guys than people that I've known for years. It has been hard and I'm trying to move on as we all are but I have this 'hopeful' feeling that great things are awaiting and all I have to do is let go of all the fear... Thank you very much for your congratulatory words and I wish us all a better future and brighter days ahead. All my love to you all xxx
Dear friends,
Can I ask you about the contradictory parts of your brain and relate it to your NC day? I am on 50th day of NC. Recently, the part that says "being single is the best" has been suppressing others. Maybe because I am getting to conclusion that reconciliation is close to impossible because apart from her, apparently her friends also don't have positive view about me. Who cares? LOL
dara,
after my ex and i broke up i went on NC about a month and i was ok with being single.it was like one day i missed him so much and the next day i was ok with it.he texted me on 34th day and contacted me and i felt in love with him all over again.also most of his friends didn't have a positive view about me but i don't care,if we are supposed to get back and we act the right way,we will.this is when you want her back.but if your brain is telling you that you are ok being off without your ex most of the time,and you think its best for you not to get back,then i think you should continue your NC untill you make sure how u really feel for her.
Congratulations to you a.z!! It great to hear that you made him contact you!! I will keep you advice in my mind. This is what I am doing for now. Good luck to you!!
Dear everyone,
Today I'm feeling pretty low and miss him a lot. The hard part is that I live back with my family and there's zero sympathy (not because I've done something wrong but they've always been that way, so I'm not surprised). It's been really hard because I feel lonely though I live with others and when I was alone I felt less loneliness, weird! But every time something positive happens to me no one cares, every person in my life atm is living in their own bubble. I'm getting published and the first thing I hear from my family is 'what a waste of time and energy, go do something that'll get you more money' and the thing is I am. I'm going to college and there is plenty of job prospects in what I'm doing but this move is very fresh, it's only been a month and I need time to adjust and start my life over. Then, this morning I wake up and guess who invades my thoughts first thing? yes, my ex. I'm not wallowing in pain and agony over him but yesterday I was determined to get over my past and today is a different story. He's there, my logic says there's no future with this guy but my heart is fighting that notion. I guess if the heart did have a brain none of us would be in this situation. Is anyone else struggling today? How do you 'un-miss' somebody you love?
hang in there.. I think it is a process. It is perfectly normal to feel fine one minute and then miss him the next. That has been my experience. I think you just have to sit with it (while still going on with your life and doing good things for YOU), and also have compassion for yourself. I find that hard because I want to feel okay now, and am tired of this process.. but it is what it is. I really miss my ex today too. :/ Yesterday, I was a bit better. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Also, I came across this tonight (and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out while reading it) but people do have helpful advice in it:
http://ask.metafilter.com/240189/Still-miss-my-ex-and-struggling-to-move-on
Rihanna,
Take it easy girl. It is a normal feeling that we all have. Time will make the intensity these contradictory feelings low and lower. Just wait and see.
Thank you very much for your support Ruth and Dara, and good luck to you also. We all need to hang in there and see, I'm hopeful for what the future may bring but hopefully that 'hope' isn't coming from denial and the 'hope' I'll reconnect with him some day. I'm also scared of growing old lonely and alone with nothing to share and no love. I'm scared of becoming that bitter-old-woman with a million cat (lol) that people avoid and in the end die alone. I'm scared of not reaching 'independence' a path I've never taken before and in the end to end up homeless and hungry. All this fear will either hinder my growth or drive me to new heights in life. I hope what we're going through today will only give us a new found strength for a better tomorrow. Good luck!
Hi Rihanna
First off, well done on getting published. I know you have mention before that you write poetry, so that's very impressive that you are getting your work published. No matter how big or small the work is you should be celebrating and not letting others (even family) knock you back for achieving this.
Interesting hope has been on the front of my thoughts for the last couple of days. Yesterday I went for a drive to a town about a hour up the coast from where I live and just walked around for a couple of hours and enjoyed a coffee. I think it was the first real thing that I've done for me alone without any ulterior motive of trying to impress the Ex. I spent some of that time just thinking about hope as the email I got from Kevin yesterday was talking about having an abundance mentality. That there are plenty of opportunities out there to find new love and with that attitude we are in a good place of being attractive to our Ex again.
I know how it feels to think that this is it, no more chances for you. That is a big struggle with myself and honestly I did have a laugh about the comment of owning a million cats. In my neighbourhood there is a cat lady who owns about 20 cats and the meow and poop all over the place. Every time I walk past her house you have to stop breathing due to the smell of cat poop. Please don't become like that lady, that would be a horrible way to live. This is where hope comes in, yes I hope things will work out with my ex, but at the end the day I live with hope that love wont elude me, with or without my Ex, even if I cant see how that will happen. Have hope for yourself too even if today you are living in the country with your parents and nothing seems to be going right. This phase is only short term and things will work out, plus look on the bright side, if it wasn't for this mess you would of never meet Kevin, Daniel, RAED, Ruth, Dara and all the other wonderful people here :)
Rihanna,
I recommend that you read articles about how to move on and overcome heart breaks. Its nkt harsh like telling thath there is no chamce. Most of it are just guidelines how to get over the pain. It will be helpful for your NC. goodluck. Jyst try it. I recommend it to everyone. I felt a lot better after reading some.
Rihanna,
Ruth is right that it is a process. We cannot make it straight to moving on that easy. It is like a mood swing, one time you are find, the other time you will be desperate.
But I advise to acknowledge when you feel pained. Cry it out if you feel like it. But don't break the NC just because of that sudden hormonal imbalance. We tend to do crazy things when we are emotionally unstable. If you will cling to him again just because you feel like you crave for him again, think about it in the long run. The more you cling to him during the break-up, the more you allow yourself to be used by him so that he can move on because he can see how desperate you are. Until one day will come when he has moved on because you are always there within his reach and you will see yourself still running after him.
The more you make yourself available and vulnerable for him to see the more he will take advantage of that weakness of yours. The more he will not value your presence simply because you are just there.
NC is really hard but it will benefit you more. Don't make it easy for him to move on by being always available. It is hard, yes. But you have to be fair with yourself. You also need some moving on to do. If not now, then when are you going to try to move on? Starting is always the hardest part but once you do, you'll see yourself progressing everyday.
Goodluck, Rihanna!
david,
i hope this one will be posted :D. as a woman i have never accepted to talk or meet an ex if i had no feelings for him.i think she likes you.don't worry about the falsefriendship you won't get stuck in friendzone until she start to talk about her emotions for another guy.be cool,don't worry about the 2 sec hugs.the shorter it is, the better for you.don't try to be romantic.the more you try not to be romantic and act like you two are just friends,the more romantic it will turn out to be later.don't talk about the break up or any negative thing that has happened. show that your improving something in your personal life.show interest in her GSL.be cool about every thing.don't show her that you want her back.don't always initiate contact first,if you chase him once,let her chase you the next time.if she is warm ,you be warm.if she is cold,you be cold.don't insist on going out every week.give yourself some time like 2 weeks and then start fresh.and during this time be very cool about everything show that your busy doing something about your GSL.and if she contacts you be very cool and friendly to her.and when you meet her she doesn't need to know how you really feel for her.just be the guy or even the better guy than you were when you two first met.let it be her idea to get back with you. hope i could help a little :)
Thanks a lot a.z. we have already arranged to meet next Friday, So I guess I'll just leave her be until closer to the date, instead of making small talk all time ha.
Also she's off to a festival the week after for 7 days :(. So I'll txt her wishing her fun but leave it at that. Think I'll wait 3 days after she gets back to contact her. Thanks so much x
that sounds cool,wish u good luck david :)
Hi All,
I have posted my comment, but I have posted it under another article where I initially asked for advice,
https://exbackpermanently.com/sneaky-signs-your-ex-still-loves-you-even-if-they-say-they-dont/#comment-25189
If someone could have a quick read or give advice it would be much appreciated!..especially a woman :)
Thank you :)
i replied,but i cant find my comment
Thank you for taking the time, however i cant see it either :(
david i will write it above your comment
Hi Kevin and all the Good people out there,
I value your thoughts / opinions.
I have been with a caring, thoughtful, and beautiful woman for over 5 years, I 38 and she 29, she courageously came to my Country to study , work and live. It was a dream come through for both of us. We have travelled through lots of Europe and beyond over that time. Hence we both love travelling, seeing new places, visiting her Family going out on dates helping each other with our respective careers etc. The down sides, my ex has not always got on very well with my Family and my friends. She felt a little threatened or at a different level to them. She could get quite anti-social and not want to mix and eventually people would start putting in the effort, which left me feeling a little frustrated and awkward as I am a social person. She can be a little direct and blunt with her comments that would catch some people and unfortunately with my sensitive nature me also. Even with her own Family she could be very "short" with them, she has so much to offer that it kills me to see her this way and lose out on people's friendship or even advantage in her professional career. After alot of time and patience she went to an anger councillor which helped relief her of a troubled relationship with a family member but more to go with her Parents. We have broken up about 2 months ago and it is a killer, as she wanted me to go to her home Country but I procrasintated and let fear take over and created un-necessary drama and hurt on her which i have apologised for. She also saw e-mails I had sent to 2-3 friends looking to rationalise our tensions (and there were some!), the difference between our natures!
Have you seen people reflect on their negative sides during this period and do they ever tone them down? I have negative behaviours that I am working on at the minute. She was willing to do so much but I let the fear of thinking too much and not being open with her about things that I did not like or appreciate and never always clearly let her know my feelings so we could both learn together. I have realised that I am not perfect over the last 2 months and stuff that she talked about , I have now realised are ringing true...
I would like to see over the next few weeks if a letter would break the ice, but I would like to think we can both work on our differences. I would be willing to move to her Country and make a future together, maybe it is too little too late? Her Family were all so good to me, I realise I have probably lost their respect but I would be willing to earn / fight for it back just like her..
Would really welcome all comments.
.
Hi John,
It is great to have a girl who is beautiful, thoughtful, care, etc. but as you already said she is a bit anti-social. By my understanding, apart from our happy relation, we also seek others approval especially our family and close friends. Your willingness to go to her country can even look like an approval for her demands. Also, I am afraid that one day you become like a rope being pulled by your girl one side while by family and friends from the other side. Or what if you get kids together but she does not allow your parents to along with their grandchildren? You may send off the letter now, but my personal suggestion is that take more time to study the situation. Good luck!
Hi Dara,
Many thanks for the comment, you speak alot of sense in it.
Part of me believes that I have been with my girlfirend during a part of her life where she was adjusting from one stage to another , (leaving her 20's) and I don't want to feel that I have been with her through this adjustment phase in her life only for someone else to gain from my patience and understanding in the relationship over the 5 years. Maybe that is very very unfair to say but a little how I feel at this point.
Hi John,
I am happy to share my view to you. In fact, I also had the same feelings as you had/have. However, as time passed in this NC, I realized that even though she is caring, beautiful, thoughtful, etc. which will be there with her for years even after me for the benefit of the next guy but, she also has negative characters which will also be with her for years. The next guy is welcome to get the full package.
Don't worry my friend!
Hi, so Iv hit it hard and am upset..did the no contact, arranged to me my ex girl on Sunday but just found out she's seeing someone..it's knocked me back quite a bit. Can anyone offer advice on what to do next.
Send some positive signals before doing NC. Just let her know that your not simply vanishing. But you are vanishing because you need space.dont mind the other guy. focus on yourself first.
don't panic,be cool its probably a rebound.get yourself some space and then create the false friendship.don't get too personal with her and dont stalk her.just be cool about everything.
So sorry... I didn't realize the previous msg went thru.
Hello everone! During NC my ex texted twice on mothers day and birthday. After 30 days of NC I texted my ex that I agreed with the breakup and that I was buying a car. In addition, i told him my daughter wont be in town for the summer. He confessed how he missed my daughter so much it hurt and how he's reminded of us often. I ignored his comment about us and only responded to questions about the car. He kept insisting to know about how my daughter was handling the situation. I told him I wanted our convos to be strictly about us but then felt horrible bc I know my daughter loves and misses him. I allowed him to be part of her life as long as he will never bail on her. He asked when my daughter was traveling and said he will make his decision around the time she was away (so confusing) Long story short, we've been communicating... he agreed to go to the car dealer with me while she's away. Just recently I discovered we're both on match.com. We've never discussed it but it was really a coincidence that he contacted me in a charismatic way on the day I subscribed. I've been sweet but I feel he's probably thinks im needy because I text him on occasion but he does too. I want him to chase me, WANT ME, do you know what I mean? What do you suggest? Should I do NC again for 3 weeks? I want him to reevaluate the situation and feel scared of losing me. We've been at this game for a few years. He has been raising a child I had during one of our "breaks." I love him dearly and I know he does. Part of me feels he's scared of committing. What advice do you give me? Anyone?
Hi everyone! I need advice. I had NC with my ex for 30 days. He texted twice on mother's day and my birthday. I didnt respond. On the 34th day, I texted that I agreed with the breakup. He seemed vulnerable by his response. He apologized for the breakup and hoped that I understood why he did it. My response was cool like Fonzie lol he kept mentioning my daughter (from my previous relationship) and how he missed her so much it hurt and how he's always reminded of us. I felt bad and allowed him to be part of her life if he will never bail. My daughter is very attached to him also. Long story short, we've been communicating. I told him that my daughter was going on vacation with my mom. He was very surprised because we're inseparable. Next day, he askes me exactly when she was leaving,
Hi Confused,
First off congrats on making NC for 34 days, that is a big accomplishment and something to be proud off. However after reading your message a couple of times I'm unsure what you need advice on? Could you clarify a little more and from what I've seen over the last few days the friendly community here will certainly help with what limited advice we can :)
hey confused,
i don't think if you need to restart NC.and i think you did well. just show him that you are not needy and show positive changes in your life,don't chase him and let him believe that you are doing great without him in your life,be confident and cool.start the falsefriendship don't say any negative thing or anything about the breakup.let him remember the good memories you had.
One of the hardest things I had to do was let go,and give up.... :(
This is a very difficult period for me. I hope to have enough strength to get over this guy
Thank you so much for evertyhing Kevin, I learned a lot from you...
I'm not sure how I'll handle this, because I really care for this guy, but if he doesn't have the same intentions like me .. it doesn't make sense anymore.
I have to continue my life without him :(
I want to wish everyone good luck here
Martina,
Goodluck! I admire your strength. Have a new and happy life. You will find a better one than him. I wish you the best.
Thank you Daniel,
I don't have much choice you know...I can only spin in a circle, and destroy myself.
No one will see in him what I saw, but he will never know.
This is too hard, especially at night when I go to sleep, panic, pain, tears- every night !
I hope that everyone here will succeed in what they want, my fight is just beginning ..
Thank you for your words, and good luck to you!
Hi Kevin and anyone willing to offer advice,
It's been a week since I have talked to my ex where he said "you can't talk to me anymore, it's hard. You need to move on. I am." I believe he meant I can't talk to him until I've "moved on" because all I did was try and get him back, and he did say that he wants to remain in my life as a friend.. Because that's so easy to do apparently. I was doing okay, but then I did see a picture his brother posted on Instagram of him and his fiancée at her birthday dinner, which did upset me quite a bit because I had always been a part of things like that. Also, two weeks before my ex broke up with me, we had put down our deposits for his brother's wedding this November in Mexico. The final payment for the trip is due end of August, part of me hopes by some miracle my ex decides coming back is what he wants. I've been good friends with his brother for the six years we dated, so it really does hurt knowing I might not be able to go to his wedding anymore.
I spent the month of May begging and trying to convince my ex to give us another chance. Not everyday though. We went at least 10 days throughout the month not talking. I do think I pushed him further away the last time we spoke though, which I do wish I could take back. Like I said, it's been a week into my NC period. I am making some changes within myself but it is hard. Part of me still can't believe this is real. But I was thinking - which is what I would like some advice on - I was given a few different reasons at first as to why my ex was leaving me, I think because he was trying to ease the break up by not coming out and saying that he didn't feel the same about me anymore. What I'm wondering is, if he lost feelings for me because I was working all the time on weekends and didn't have much time to go visit him at school, will NC still be effective if me not being there was what made his feelings change in the first place? We talked and facetimed everyday, but my lack of physically being there for him is what made him feel alone and like he was single while he was at school. He was having a rough year with hockey and he needed me, but then again he never once actually told me he needed me there. It was only until after the break up that he said I wasn't there for him and that I "never" came to visit. If he needed me, he could have asked and I would be there as soon as I could have. I thought he knew the distance was temporary and he seemed to be okay being with his friends at night. He could have discussed it with me. But ultimately, I never really got too many chances to go visit and because of it he began to lose feelings for me. Although I am not sure if he really did lose them, or if they're just suppressed. Do people who were together for six and a half years really just lose feelings just like that and have them disappear? I believe you don't fully lose feelings. That they're still in there somewhere and that there will always be some sort of connection, especially if you have been together for a long time. Part of me feels like he's suppressed his feelings, but who knows.
Now I know NC is mainly for yourself and not a means to get your ex back. I am focusing on myself but at the same time, I am hoping that it makes him miss me. I'm kind of worried because he told me he's moving on and maybe he's been moving on emotionally while we were still together when he felt alone at school. But my question is, if my lack of being there for him and everything is what made him lose these feelings for me, isn't me keeping my distance not really helping in that sense? Why must break ups be so confusing!
Sorry this is so long, I kind of started to ramble!
hey rachel,
i know its the most confusing feeling and its so hard to cope with but seriously it doesn't matter what he says during the breakup,its nothing logical so you can't find a logical answer to all of the questions in your head about why he said that? what did he mean? how is this so easy for him to move on?how could he? and etc ...... .you can't get an absolute answer.its all emotions talking for now. so u need to let go of every thing that makes it more complicated. concentrate on your own life and give him some space.you chased him so much and i know you have apologized for things even though deep down u know were no big deal. send him a text message and tell him you have accepted the break up and you really want to move on and you will.say you are sorry to act kinda crazy during the break up wish him something good about his personal life like one of his goals,or something he's interested in. then start no contact once he notice that you have disappeared he will forget how needy you have acted and he will begin to miss you and even the feeling of being chased. don't break the NC for at least one month.don't care about anything,don't stalk him on fb or anything,don't care about his brothers wedding.work on yourself be confident and create a new happy person.its hard but you can do it.i had days like this that i was almost going crazy but there is a will power inside of you that you can make it. every time you feel like you want to contact him just remember if you want him back you shouldn't do it.give yourself some time to heal.if he loved you once its very possible that he feels the same way if you know what to do. i don't know whether it was useful or not but i hope i could help a little.wait for kevin to get a better advice.i did whatever he said and it absolutely worked every time i acted the way i had to. wish u all the good luck :)
Today is 3 months since I broke up with my gf. Kevin gives an excellent insight on how to recover an ex, what to do and what not to…his information is amazing. NC period is very important to recover YOUR integrity and get yourself together, it would also work to give your ex some time to miss you and cool things off.
Honestly after all this time I learned that 90% of the times it is NOT worth to recover an ex, even if you are in love. You might get your ex back but the same problems will most likely arise with time plus some different new issues. As time goes on it gets even harder to recover an ex because you become distant. From my point of view once the relationship is broken it would never be the same, no relationship lasts forever, especially in the time we are living. It is hard to believe that one will spend 30 or 40 years with the person we are right now because there are way too many years, way too many reasons to argue across life and differences (temptations, infidelities, financial issues, kids, and different personal point of views in life). Human beings change, priorities change and when it is over it is over (unless it is a short break up, very short period of time).
Kevin information helped me recover my composure, regain confidence, acknowledge that I can be happy without my ex and most important that there are a lot of people out there that you might get to know of and have a fresh start with. I have been dating as much as I can and I am now back to whom I used to be and it feels great. Time heels everything, it is normal to feel like crap for a couple of moths but you will definitely recover and move on. Do I still have feelings for my ex? Of course! but we both understood that we were not meant to be and we both wish the best to each other. We are not friends yet but I am pretty sure we probably will be in the near future.
To all the guys here I recommend to read a book named The System, it has lots of great information on how to date women and most importantly how they operate. It was written by a dude called “Doc love”, he has a column in Ask Men magazine. Read some of his columns, they are available online (Google “Doc Love ask men”) and you will find out what I am talking about.
Thanks Kevin for all the help provided; it would have been a lot more difficult to go through this break up without your help. I am fine now!
Enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts, love and give your best to the person you are with. Learn from all the mistakes committed in your previous relationship and avoid repeating them in your next. Treasure all the memories and good moments and forget all the bad ones. When it is over it is over and it is better to move on and continue with life.
We are about to meet up but the night before, she cancelled the 'date' by using some alibis obviously because she doesn't want to see me.
I am confused. We are still in a relationship before then when we graduated, she broke up with me. I guess she has long moved on even when we are in a relationship. I feel bad and cheated.
I feel bad for her because she changed so much. Heartless, insensitive, selfish-you-know-what.
But I feel worse for myself because I still want her back. I don't know if this is just one of her playtime or she is serious about breaking up. I can't help stalking her on facebook and unfriending or blocking her would seem really obvious.
It is so fucking hard. At times I am fine but other times I feel so alone whether in the company of my family.
Shall I move on now? And if yes, pray for me please. Because my soul is willing but the flesh is fucking weak....
Dear Raed,
A lot of times I feel the same way as you but I'm more keen on moving on from EVERYTHING in my past and starting a fresh page. Very afraid of the unknown and I've always been codependent and this is my first time I have to be independent EVER! There are bigger problems in life (it seems) than breaking up with someone, for me it's whether I'm capable surviving on my own and how long will my pride allow me live at my mum's house? I miss my ex but he's very immature and unstable both financially and emotionally. So, it's time to be bit selfish and take a lot of time for myself and feel the freedom for the first time ever! Let this be a lesson not to rush relationships and never give completely your heart... :'(
Rihanna,
So does that mean you are quitting on getting your ex back? That's right if he can't support himself yet then he can't support you as well. The relationship might seem more of a burden and blessing during that time.
I know it's hard but I suggest if you want him back, the right time is not now. You might be togethet again in the futurr. When you are both stable and lovely. You can just work on improving yourself and give him space to do so. Then when you are both ready and in the future your roads will cross again and the feelings are still there, the relationship you'll be building will be a whole lot better.
The fault in us humans is that we have the fear of the unknown, it scares us to come out of the comfort zone. So we tend to stick into what our hearts and mind deem familiar and safe eventhough it is no longer healthy.
It will be a lot difficult to do so but I guess reading self-help books can help. I guess we are just overwhelmed with the feeling and thought that we love them. But do we really love them? I can say, I don't. But I think I am running after her because she seems to be a challenge not because I love her. I loved her. And maybe you too loved him.
Maybe we are just in love with the idea of being in love. It will be hard, but what matters is we keep moving every single day. It is ourselves who needs the loving more <3
And I dont think we can receive such love if we lack it in ourselves. What we are, we attract. So no matter how hard let's try to make ourselves better
They are better without us so why not do the same?
Sometimes all we need is a lot of spanking, failing and hurting to realize that we deserve more.
Hey Raed,
If she canceled your date request after the 30 days NC period, my suggestion is apply NC again. She accepted it in the first time, it means a part of her still wants it but she canceled it later means a part of her wants to end up the relationship. She still needs time and space to conclude what she wants. You also need more time to sum up if you want to stay or move on.
This is all I can conclude from Kevin's articles and emails. You wait for Kevin's response and not rush! Good luck!!
Dara,
Thank you, Dara. I would rethink it over if I still love her. Though it's hard to really know because my feelings are a mess as well.
I don't want to waste another days and months to come just earning her back. I need I need to earn back myself more.
Thankyou! God bless :)
You're welcome my friend! Good luck!
I did NC for almost a month, then afterwards, I reconnected with him via email (and in it, I mentioned I had accepted the break-up and thought it was a good idea) and he said that he was hoping I would contact him. We texted for a bit and he would also occasionally even send me emails. I think I got a bit too eager, though I tried not to (e.g. I should have been cooler and waited awhile to reply, but I tended to reply pretty soon after). Anyway, we ended up meeting up a few days ago for lunch (I asked him) since we work near each other. It was generally good (I made sure to look my best, and during NC, I did become a better version of myself, am more positive and I think I showed that positivity during our lunch meeting, etc. I have also been keeping busy with my life and we talked about some of the things we have both been up to). He paid for lunch and told me I could get it next time. Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to say that it was nice to reconnect and hang out, and thanks for lunch. He did reply but he mentioned that it was nice to have a new “lunch friend” so it sounds like I have been friend zoned. Even a few days prior to our lunch meeting, we had slowed down on the texting and emailing, and definitely now as well (compared to when we first reconnected – e.g. it is always me who initiates now, including just prior to our lunch meeting). I think I should stop initiating now – what do you think? Also, what should my next steps be? How do I get out of the friend zone? Should I go back to NC? (will he not care and think I lost interest since meeting him?) Or should I just go with the flow and see what happens (just be the better version of myself when we meet again, etc.). Not sure where to go from here…
The other alternative to NC is to be less available and to stop being the one to initiate contact. I would only reply if he contacts me (and do it less eagerly than I had been as well). And when we meet in person again (letting him initiate that), that's when I really turn on my best self. If I do NC though, how long should it be for this time?
I was pleased that I felt kind of neutral when we met up (seeing as I felt nervous beforehand, but then it turned out to be emotionally easier than I thought to see him again) and I felt okay right after we met up. I didn't feel any special vibes that he wanted to be with me again or anything, and because I felt neutral, I thought maybe it was a sign we ought to just be friends moving forward. Then the next day, I started to really miss him. I also started to think about how he had stopped initiating communication with me as much (as I mentioned above) and I felt too available to him and decided I needed to back off in some way with the contact (either NC or only reply if he initiates). Anyway, I still miss him. I guess it hit me a bit later. I keep thinking about his good qualities, his affection, etc. when we were together and feel sad about it all.
Ruth,
I think you should wait another week before contacting him again.
There is nothing you can do right now but attract him. Make sure you are good and getting better everytime you meet. Also its not really that bad to be friendzoned right now coz u just reconnected. Its not the time to talk about relationships. Just do your best. You are lucky compared to most of the people here coz you can talk and meet wit your ex so dont mess up and keep your composure and confidence. I wish you the best. Goodluck!
Thanks, Daniel. All the best
I am trying not to be "crazy" (due to emotions). In the past (years ago), I made mistakes with a break-up I had in which I wanted an ex back, because I just turned on the emotional crazy and was definitely not keeping it cool. I don't want to tread there again, and just try to be cool with this one. It's funny how time stretches out so slowly when you are dealing with a break-up situation. I haven't contacted him in 3 day but it feels much longer. I have to learn to be patient.
All the best to you, Daniel. I think I read that you are giving up. It sounds like a good decision for you. Time will heal.
Hey Kevin, so I followed the plan, and I recently went out with my ex for the first time after we broke up. We talked about a lot of stuff, mainly I did, cause I didn't have the opportunity since he broke up with me (3 months ago). I apologized for everything, I thanked him for all, and told him it was time for us to be friends. Also, he told me a lot of exciting things that are happening/happened in his life and so I did. I acted friendly. I was trying to show him that I moved on, mainly, trying to show him I'm happy and that I have changed a lot positively. He did the same. He actually texted me after it, but in a really friendly way. He said he had a great time, that he's a great friend which I can count on always, he said thanks for everything he learned with me while on the relationship, and stuff like that. I replied and then we had a very very short conversation through text (he showed me some new band he has now and I said it was cool and then he didn't reply). I'm worried because during the ''date'' I talked to him as an old friend really, almost like talking to my brother. No flirting, not trying anything. Not trying to be cute, nothing. I tried to be fun, thats all. It was fun, but still, I don't know if this was good or bad in order to get him back. I'm not sure what should I do next. This happened 3 days ago and we haven't talked since. Please help! Thank you!!
Hey Kevin,
what do you think about this letter? Thanks so much for your response in advance!
(She left music cd's in my car that she loves)
Britney,
So, these were in my car. I figure I should return them to you since your cd collection is somewhat sparse.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that I think the decision you made to part ways was, in retrospect, the best thing for the both of us.
I surprised myself with how emotional I got, and I’d like to apologize for my behavior toward you and any discomfort I may have caused.
Oh by the way, finally got to doing Krav Maga and it is pretty exhilarating. Really enjoying sparring again!
I would love to fill you in…perhaps in the future. Of course you and I still need space right now.
Take care,
Derek
I would rewrite it like this. ALso, don't send until you have done at least 30 days no contact.
Britney,
So, these were in my car and I wanted to return them to you.
I’d also like to let you know that I think the decision you made to part ways was, in retrospect, the best thing for the both of us.
I’d like to apologize for how emotional I got, my behavior toward you and any discomfort I may have caused.
Oh by the way, finally got to doing Krav Maga and it is pretty exhilarating. Really enjoying sparring again!
I would love to fill you in…perhaps in the future. It's best for us both to have space right now.
Take care,
Derek
or for the first line,
"So, these were in my car and I wanted to return them to you since I know you love them." (you still want to sound warm.. just not needy)
Hey Ruth,
thanks for the feedback. Your revision to me seems a bit on the robotic side. It's not how she would think how I would write. I'm generally a warm easy going person.
you know her best so definitely go with your regular voice
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend is now seeing her ex she dated 5 years ago. She had originally said she wanted to be single for a long time to sort out some problems in her life, she kept telling me she was nowhere near dating anyone, then I took her on a trip to NYC all expenses paid and a week after we returned she was dating this guy. We have been apart for 1.5 months.
Am I screwed? Should I try no contact now?
Thanks man, feeling pretty devastated,
James
Hey James
As above Kevin is away until the 24th June, But I think I could assume that his answer would be Yes, start no contact and sign up to his emails to get a plan in place.
Keep smiling
I am not Kevin but let me ask you a question James: Do you really think she loves you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn´t love you? Are you going to be ok mentally thinking your girl might be talking to her ex or worst...seeing him while she is with you? I apologize if I am just being negative but I would ask myself all these questions all the time. It is hard to let go but I would do it and find somebody else who really loves me, wants to be with me and be part of my life.
Hey James,
I'm not Kevin either. Don't panic. If you haven't yet, apply no contact for a month. It will give you enough time to get relax and analyse the situation. In either situations don't try to convince her that dating her ex boyfriend is mean/impolite/rude. Play it cool. Probably she is trying to fill your space with someone she already knows.
You both are her ex. You being the later one, have a slight advantage but if NC does not work, you should try to move on. Good luck man!
Hi guys. I guess its time to sum up everything here. I need advice from you guys.
Its been around an year since our fight took place. It was my fault. Later she admitted she feels for me. She was in a rebound. But i did everything of those 5 things mentioned in the article not to do. She promised to talk to me after her exams but she did not. I have acted way too desperate for a long time. On 15th it will be a month of my no contact. I am planning on extending it. I am currently not in my city. I had unfriended her from facebook so that i could stop stalking her and to make her feel for me but that did not affect her. She is a really happy person now and to my friend she said she has decided not to talk to me. I don't know what to do to make her talk to me. All the things mentioned in the articles i have done before, they worked but i became too desperate again. I guess she is in a relationship again. We might move to different cities in a month. I want to meet her. I have made lot of changes in myself.
I have few specific questions to ask.
Should i ask her to meet me in the first text ?
Should i send her a friend request again ?
If yes then can i add that accept my friend request if you feel like ?
I fought with her for 4 months and she fought with me for four months. She had feelings for me them. But now she seems not to care at all. All i wanna do is meet her. I wanna talk to her. But my situation is so mixed i have no idea what kind of text i should send her.
I suggest. Dont rush and panic. No one here can give you the answer you are looking for. Wait for kevin. Yes maybe you are ready to meet her but have you thought if she is ready to meet you? Maybe not yet? You are aware that if you acted crazy after the breakup the longer she will forget about it. If i were on your situation i will move on and try a 3-6mos NC. But i think you should wait dor kevin. Goodluck man!
You should start with an email or letter like Kevin suggests. Do not ask her to meet right away.. she will likely say no. You want to soften her feelings towards you by showing her you have moved on and accept the breakup (through the letter). Then start to rebuild a bit through text messages, the way Kevin suggests. If you want to skip the letter and go to text, just do it the way Kevin suggests. Be patient with it. When you have a good rapport, you can suggest meeting up (after 1-2 weeks of texting, or longer if needed).
Im feeling doen right now. I dont know why. I feel like i miss her so much. Maybe im not truly prepared to let her go. She doesnt even responded to my text after NC. I dont know whats on her mind. But still i try to focus on moving on and feeling great. Only then i can feel relieved. I just hope she has not shut down her communication to me. :(
Hi Daniel,
I empathy with you! My ex girlfriend also did not respond to my mail and the text message. I was not sure that she has blocked me on her phone or gmail, so my mail was hand written. For some reasons, I also miss her more than those 30 days of NC. This should not overwhelm us! It makes us weak! I am aiming for 60th day now! I see her once in a while. If she acts grumpy again, I will look for 90th day and then move in unavoidable. Good luck Daniel! Cheers!!
Dara, hey im glad your attitude is like that. I feel like i dont have the strength anymore. Im considering giving up on her and truly move on. Idk when she will accept my attempts to communicate and its very stressful. Thanks man i envy you. But i will also do my best as long as i can.
Daniel,
It's nice to hear that you have made your decision. I believe most of the people you find here on this site are the ones who care for relationships. Really nicer ones. Anyway, every site you go, 'move on' is the main recommendation.
Its has become stressful for me as well. By now my mind is divided into different part; one part is asking me to wait for her, the other part is looking for someone new and the other tells me to enjoy being single. All these parts have strong arguments.
By the way, now I visit facebook hardly once in a day, but come here 4 or 5 times everyday! LOL Good luck to you Daniel!!
Dara,
Everything you said in here is exactly the same way I feel.
But in my case, I have to work on being independent and get on my own feet before I enter a relationship (that's what I've learnt from my life) and though it's an excellent idea to do it's really sad to be alone and do life on my own, something i've never done :(
I feel ready to be single and do life on my own and this way at least I'll be independent enough to make better decisions for my future. Good luck to you and I'm happy you're feeling more like an individual without needing your ex... Good on you !
Dara,
I admire you, though your situation is worse than mine you are still strong. I am trying to be strong but the stres is too much. I am trying to hold on but i feel like letting go any moment.
I dont hear from her anymore i dont know whats on her mind or what she thinks of me. I still hope everything goes well. Maybe last 3 attempts to reach out to her. After that maybe just move on.
Daniel,
Yes, I feel better every day. I go to gym 6 days/ week. The endorphin hormone that brain secretes after intense workout makes one feel flying. I also go to swimming pool once in a week. Friends around admire me for the new looks that I have got. I energizes me more than ever. Plus, except those bad days of my relationship, I am a positive thinker.
I read a nice explanation on how men get needy in relationship. It said, "many men when get in relationship give off their balls to their girl and some girls simply throw those balls away". So you are not a man anymore! Hey, I recommend you watch Sin City movie.
Yes, my situation with my ex is worse. I believe there are less chances for me. Had I simply accepted the breakup the very first time instead of hard tying to please her, I could have more chances now. But what is done is done! I should prove myself, her and if required anyone else that, that was not real me!
Good luck my friend! I wish the best for you!
Daniel,
It is just normal to feel a sudden change of heart. One time you are fine without her then you suddenly miss her. Scumbag heart and brain.
I am so eager and decided to move on but at times, i cant do it.I would like to slam myself hard for me to wake up but whenever I miss her, no amount of consolation or going/hanging out, seeing other people could console me.
I hope one day I will wake up without any memory of her. Just her. It would be a lot easier.
Rihanna,
I am glad to hear from you here! Thank you so much!! I hope to hear that you feel a lot better soon. Time heals!
Have a great day!
Dara
Dara,
Wow you really give a lot of effort. I also go to the gym but only 3x a week. I play basketball a lot. Hangout with friends and casual night outs with them. I hate mornings. Because when i wake up i always feel empty. I leave everything to fate now. If we are meant to be it will be. The sad part is i have a good relationship with her sister's family. It would be nice if we are still together. Thoug me visitng her sister does not affect me or make me miss her. Instead i feel relaxed there. I just hope everything is over. Im near there i know it. Just gotta be tough a little more. My advice, CRY! Cry a lot. As long as you can. Befor i was suppressing my tears or ot just wont fall because of intense loneliness. But try to release it. Listen to a sad song and let the tears flow. Trust me, it gives ypur chest a lift. You will feel better. Goodluck! Guys! I hope we can hangout but i think its impossible. Lol.
Hey guys
I can so totally relate with you both and I feel I am on the same page. Some days like yesterday I'm fine and optimistic that things are going to work out, then I get days like today where I miss her like crazy and get depressed. I have this general sense that its not going to work out and its over and the best thing is to stop being in a funk and move on. Easier said then done and it does cause a lot of stress.
Then you get speed bumps that cause you wobble. Last couple of days I had been trying to organise to something for this weekend, even if it was just going to a movie or watching some World Cup football somewhere. I just wanted to get out of my house for an evening. I asked 4 different friends and got no from them all. One had a genuine excuse, but the other 3 were all vague with there replies and I was like WTF... until I found out my ex has organised a party for Saturday night and they are all going to it. So that was blow to me when I feel I need a bit of support just to get back on my feet. Guess that what happens when you have one person who is appearing happy and motivated and the other person is appearing down and emotional, who do you want to hang out with? I know Kevin talks about the importance of appearance happy and confident. Once again easy said then done.
That's what I love about this website, its so encouraging coming here and finding I'm not the only person who is struggling with their emotions and getting their lives back on track
P.S. Also should submit to Kevin when he gets back the idea of designing a proper forum for discussion as it gets really hard to track all the conversations here as they can be all over the place and after going to the Enotalone forum, which I like the layout. I couldn't handle the people telling me I'm pathetic and get over your ex every second minute like they seem too there
Hey Steve
I have been reading your story! It really sucks! It really sucks when you see people chose between you and your ex.
Today, I text messaged one of her best friends to whom I owed some money to for the party we celebrated for my ex's Bday to clear it. Her reply was strangely rough and unfriendly. My guess is that my ex has filled her with negative things about me. Well, this means that my chances are lesser than what I thought.
I truly don't regret, but when my ex wrote me an email asking for breakup, I got mad at her and mentioned all her mean behaviors towards me. Well, those emails were sarcastic ones. It was the doormat which finally exploded out of pressure. I'm pretty sure that those emails made her a lot angry about me and must have talk it to her friends.
I like this chat among us. I cannot talk to guys outside about my feelings but I find people here who understand me as we have the problem.
Thank you guys: Daniel, Steve, Raed, Rihanna and others
Hey guys,
The only thing I am posituve about going here is that I tend to make friends. No matter were all anonymous to each other, we carry the same feels, same problem. This is like a support group, really.
I know how hard it is. It is like your mind and heart playing tricks on you once you get better.
Just like Rihanna's, it is also my first time to be not in a relationship. I mean, I only had 2 girlfriends but eversince college I've been in a relationship so somehow they have become a part of my system, a part of my growing up.
Whenever I feel like I will be doing dumb things like wanting to text her and beg again, I go here. I type how I feel and after it I somehow feel good knowing I have friends here who share the same sentiment as mine.
I suggest during those random down times, we acknowledge the feeling. Acknowledge the hurt and pain. Just like what Daniel suggest, you can cry. Anytime. It helps you release the pain as well until you'll no longer feel hurt.
For all of us here, I am hoping one day we will suddenly wake up being a lot better. Not thinking about them but finally seeing that everything happens for a reason and somehow this breakup is a disguised blessing just as the day we woke up and we suddenly love them and as fast as the day when they choose to leave us.
I pray for all of us.
Guys,
I wish we find happiness as soon as possibe. May it be with pur exes or not. I just want our pain to go away. We all share the same feeling. It hurts when u feel good and better then suddenly something about her pops up and brings you down again. This is so hard i just wish i forget our memories together. :(
RAED,
You are right! We should hope that this situation get to normal as soon as possible. It will because it has been proven already to all including Kevin. I feel that it is getting better day by day.
Daniel,
My part which asks me to move on is getting stronger day by day. Its best argument is that my ex used to play mind games on me. I already know it. Even Kevin in one of his comments said that she is trying to win the breakup. This means that she is not done with her mind games even after the breakup.
There is one thing that I didn't mention on this site. I felt terribly bad when she started ignoring my calls/texts. I also felt terribly bad just one week after the breakup. I was mad at everything, but now I'm almost fine! I come here because from kevin's comments I learn things. I also learn things from other's experiences. They will help me in other relationships. Well, by now we all know that limited NC or NC or not showing neediness is a steering wheel if we find some issues in our next relationship. This is what I want to learn. I also love chatting with you guys.
Hope to hear more from you guys.
Dara, i also want to learn new things here and apply it to my next relationship may it be with my ex or not so i wont mess up again. I am also at the point of moving on but there is still a partnof me thats holding on to her. Honestly, i hate it because it gives me pain. Im not aiming to get my ex anymore. I just want to feel better.
Daniel,
Comparison of theory and real application is really tough. I give you an example: I say that my move on is getting stronger and stronger every day. Well, lets assume that I see her kissing a guy. I will feel terribly bad at least at that moment.
This psychological issues are really hard to understand. The worst thing with us is that our brain is divided into parts. Who knows, maybe because of just an incident the one that is really weak now become the strongest! That sucks about our situation now! Yes, my friend!
Dara,
Hey, we are on the same boat! Even after the breakup my ex still plays her mind games with me. One time she's sweet, the other time she will be cold. For a month it has been like that and I am adjusting and allowing it to happen just because I want her back.
But one day I got tired because come on, I deserve better than these silly mind games of her. I got fed up and tired. She's trying to sin the breakup by being hot and cold and I won't allow that to happen.
She had gotten ahead than me when she broke us up and I won't allow her to get even again by me tolerating her mind games. It will be hard for me as well but this time I won't allow her to get even by using me.
RAED,
What I have learnt recently is that if you play it cool, their mind games will backfire on them. Imagine they spend time to rent a stadium to play mind games with you. If you don't take part in it, the very least thing they will lose is the time they spent for renting the stadium.
I believe this NC has stronger effects on those who play mind games. They are waiting for you to play the final round but you are not there. I like it man!
Hello everyone, yes it's me again! Well, I'm writing to share that no matter how hard I try to forget my ex something comes up and I'm at square one :( ... Few perfumes remind me of him in the most endearing way, like Jimmy Choo reminds me of the first time we went out together (best time of my life) then, Desire reminds me of a first night in town together (Best night of my life) and other scents as well so, what am i supposed to do? Not ever wear my favourite perfumes again? Every time I think it's over between us and that it may have been a romantic phase in our lives and it's past now something triggers a beautiful memory between us and I'm sad all over again :( ... Today, I'm all alone and much confused about the future and life in general, I may be stuck in the country for the next 12 months and I think that's making me most sad that I'm not sure which I miss most, the city or him?
Keep the things away for a while. I would suggest you not to come here till your no contact. Try not using phone and facebook or the intrne
Keep the things away for a while. I would suggest you not to come here till your no contact. Try not using phone and facebook or the intrnet or watching tv. Instead go out
I inadvertently did all of these things. It was a bad breakup ..dated for 2 years...took me 9 months not to think about him daily. We stayed broken up for almost FIVE years. I sent him a text and we went for drinks in January. Low and behold HE Wanted ME back..and I didn't want him. I'm fact he texted me the not day and said "looking back I wish we woulda worked out" n I said " everything happens for a reason at least we can be friends now" well.....we had sex on that reuniting date ( probably why he realized he wished it would have worked out) and fast forward 5 months I AM BACK IN THE SAME place I was 5 years ago, he pulled all his old tricks and now I'm heartbroken and have to go through the break up AGAIN . SECOND CHANCES Are like giving your ex a bullet because they missed you the first time.boo:( this sucks.
HI everyone! so, I went on enotalone.com as kevin suggested in his absent letter and the people on that site are all like 'harden the f*** up and move on!' lol, some of the replies made me tear up but it was like a reality check too... And they told me off for not being independent myself so that I've also contributed to the failure of my relationship and that my ex has issues! although I've said he's depressed and much in pain he can't think straight, it didn't matter cos at the end of the day, whatever the reason was we did break up and 'he' broke up with me and I accepted the plane ticket to leave :( ... I feel so weak and scared of the world a lot of times especially cos I've had many years of traumatic life before this relationship and I think my ex gave me bit of confidence in myself. But if you need advice or more like someone telling you how it is visit the website until Kevin comes back... but truth is, this is a great website here cos Kevin gives great advice and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. However, I feel like I can accept my breakup and move on, the feedback I got from enotalone had that effect on me (sadly :( ...) lol
Rihanna,
I have also visited a lot of sites. Most of them say that move on is the best because you will never forget that once you broke apart. Maybe that is true. They say that statistically re-unification is tough and more fragile. Well, I have a friend who was dumped by his girlfriend but the reconciled after two months or so and they are now married. Maybe seeing such cases is the only motivation for me to still hold on. Though other part of me who has read all those stuff asks me to move on.
About Kevin's methodology, he wants you to make them want you back. In short, it will mostly work if the one who broke up ask for reconciliation.
Hey, I just deleted all the messages between me and my ex and I regret it a little :( it was a moment where I was 100% sure ready to remove him from my life cos though there are feelings between us the relationship is illogical. He has no secured job, no money, no home hence, no future. Am I right? then I starting to think about the future plan we had together but he's not even communicating with me so why am I even thinking about plans with him still? Sometimes I wonder what's the difference between love and lust? did I 'love' him, or was the idea of him and 'us' me being a poet and him an artist too romantic to pass up even if it lasted a while but in the end it did last. The enotalone people were right with one thing, it doesn't matt?er if he's sick, or depressed, or I'm away or sick, or whatever the reason behind the break up, the break up did happen and we both gave in to it too easily. So where's that deep connection, can't live without you love we talked about during our relationship? On the other hand, my previous ex has been chasing me, he's changed his looks cos he let himself go during our relationship and I'm missing him don't know why, maybe loneliness? Though I felt loneliest with him! Anyway, looks like I'm so confused if I were reading this message randomly I'd say "Stop being selfish and get a life!" I feel guilty, emotional and selfish. I want to move back to the city but I'm afraid that every wonderful memory of me and my ex would haunt me everywhere! We went from Bliss (big time!) throughout the entire 10 month relationship to see you later we can't be together... I'm very confused and really don't know what to do next! I'm changing everything about my life against my will in order to move on...
Rihanna, its sad to hear all those. Before our break up I kind of could guess that we are going to breakup. She would ignore most of my messages or hardly reply any. I searched some sites on how to handle break up. They said, do not keep their memories close to you until you have completely moved on. One of her clothes were in my room! As soon as I got her email on suggesting the break up, I threw it into the dumpster. Deleting those messages was for your best Rihanna.
Hi Dara
I cant help feel I'm in the same boat as you and agree with you are saying with one part of me having motivation to hold on and keep believing and the other part of me is telling me move on. It is a tough place to be in
I have a similar 'get back together" story and hopefully this will encourage others also. In 2010 I was flatting with my best friend when his girlfriend of a year broke up with him. They were planning on moving in together in another apartment. He was 28 and she 26 at the time. I watched him go through the first couple of weeks of begging her to come back then having a period of 3 months of no contact with lots of nights of crying and drinking on the couch. During this time he joined the local theatre group and had a support role in a play. During the 2 weeks of live performance he reached out to her and invited her with some other friends to come and watch him, which she did. I remember how happy he was at the time as he still had very strong feeling for her. Outwardly he played it very cool when he was around her and for the next 4 months he gave the appearance of being just a friend and hanging out with her and others in social settings. He even went on a date with another girl, but that only last 2 dates as he couldn’t stop thinking about his ex.
One night a group of us went to the movies and she didn’t have a ride home as she had come with another friend. So my friend offered to take her home. I ended heading out to a bar with some other friends to play some pool and watch some sports. When I got back to the apartment, I noticed he was already home in his bedroom. So I knocked on his door to see how it went and got a muffled response, so I went into the bedroom and whoops they were both there in bed. The next morning we had a good laugh about it. Two years ago I had the honour of being his best man at their wedding and they just recently had their first baby and are very much still in love. The moral of this story is that my friend the entire time wanted her back and took steps to ensure that he would appear attractive to his ex again and it worked. For this reason alone I believe it is possible to get back with your ex and that why I like Kevin’s plan.
One day I hope that I will be able to tell a similar story with my ex
Hi Steve,
I have read most of you comments till now. Yes, we are in the same boat. Many of my friends are married and most of them are now in serious jobs. So, really not many people to hangout with. I also drink alone at nights but I make sure that I don't listen to music or songs that would remind me of her.
I also believe that nothing is impossible. I also agree that most of the break ups happened because it was simply inevitable due to some existing bad chemicals in that relationship but we can eliminate bad ones and insert good ones by working on it just like what your friend or mine did.
The fact is that my situation is not as rosy as my friend's was. So for now, I simply work on myself to be a more attractive guy for my ex or any other girl. By the way, its great to hear that you run. Keep it up!
Good luck man!
Hi Rihanna
I just checked out this website too and noticed the same thing with a lot of comments. It seems to me people were coming to that site with very genuine situations and seeking help and the comments were from the same 2 -3 people with the same message. "Its over, stop believing you will get your ex back and move on with life as you are being pathetic". Honestly I doubt how sincere these people are. From those responses I would guess that chances are they have gone through a messy breakup and didn’t get back their ex, therefore they have used their disappointment to come to the conclusion that if I didn’t get back with my ex, no one else can and that is the message I’m going to preach. I read your thread (If you use the same forum name as here) and felt some of the criticism you got was totally unfair and I felt like it came from some very bitter people. I may be wrong of course, but that was the impression I got.
There was a couple of threads I liked there, the one about stories of people getting back with their ex, but even that was getting derailed by people who are saying don’t bother, your ex has left and there is nothing you can do to win him/her back. I personally don’t believe this and it goes completely against what Kevin teaches here who does teach us with a plan in place we can increase the chances of getting back with our ex. Keep your chin up and ignore 90% of what those people have said and stick with Kevin’s plan
Thank you Steve. Yes, this site is far the best and can't wait for Kevin's return. However, I feel strong now without my ex and I can see how immature and 'not' ready to be in a relationship he is but then again, I have lots to work on myself too. Thank you for your comment and I hope my forum there didn't taint my image in any way.
Good luck to you also.
I am getting ready to write the letter. It's been 3 months no contact. Quick question. I was gonna write the letter on a letterhead from a resort we went to on vacation when times were good. Do u think this is a good idea? Or should I just write it on normal paper?
Hi guys, i want to share my story. It's been 2 months since my ex girlfriend and i saw each other and 3 months since she broke uo with me and i did NC for 45 days. For those days i improved myself, i went to gym, buy new clothes, i continue studying a particular language, i hang out with friends. To make the story short on june 8 (yesterday) she texted me (maybe because it is my bday today) she said hi and how am i doing. I waited an hour before before i replied. I said im ok and i asked the same. Then she asked me if we could meet. So i said sure why not. We met at a cafe around 2 oclock pm. Then when she walked towards me shee look upset and looks like her tears gonna fall in her eyes. So asked her whats the problem. She said i'll tell you later. So we had a normal conversation then when our food was served i asked her again on what was bothering her. Then she started crying because she saw a picture of me and a girl posted by her friend in facebook (dont know that this girl is her friend a long time ago) I just met the girl last saturday when i attended a bday party of a friend. This girl i was talking about wanted to take a picture with me and some other guys was teasing me with her, so as a gentleman i agree to take picture with her (well the picture turns out a little bit sweet) to make the story short she saw the picure on facebook and she saw the comment by the people on the picture which for me i dont have any intention to make her jealous. I was shocked when she started crying and she said how can do this to her. She said she was hurt and feel betrayed because until now she still hoping for us. Its funny because it seems i cheated on her. So i explained to her that it was just a picture and it was just for fun and nothing serious about it. And she asked me how would i feel if i saw a pucture of her and a guy that are sweet to each other. I tell her i am not looking anymore to your facebook page. Lol! Then admit i will also get jealous so i understand her. So just told her that there is nothing to worry about because until now i still have feelings for her. Then we talked about us but i never asked her to come back to me. Eventhough she never told me that she still loves me i can still see it in her eyes that she has still feelings for me. I asked her if somebody is interested in her and she said yes but she dont entertain the guy. We still both agree that we still both need time and space. While we are sitting she hug me. She said she wanted to fix everything but it is hard for now because her family is involve. So i said if she still need time i will give all the time that she wants. But if she find someone else i told her that if she could give me the closure because i think everyone of us deserve a closure. Eventhough i still love her guys, i can say i am happy now even if she wont come back to me. Then after that we say goodbye and we hug and kiss each other ( that where i told myself that she still love me) And later at night i treat my friends for dinner and we drink to celebrate my bday in advance. Exactly 12 midnight she texted me happy birthday. Well now im still gonna continue what i am doing. If she contact me i will just be cool and reply to her but i will not gonna initiate first. We will see what will happen next, if we are meant to be then God will find a way but if not i know at that time everything will be ok for both of us indivudually. So guys time heals, enjoy being single, improve your self, go out, and be happy. Coz if our exes will comeback,they will and if not im sure you will just smile and say "no regrets, it still worth it"
Brandon
Hey Brandon,
I think you have done it with style!! Good job man! My NC started just 2 days after yours. I also feel great about myself. My ex girlfriend did not respond to my text or mail till now. I have also started developing the feelings that being single is amazing! Though there are moments when I feel bad but they are really rare! I have even starting analyzing what if I start a new relationship with other girls and have already started flirting with some once in a while to make a move when I get sure about moving on!
All my kudos goes to Kevin for his article which clearly talks about the benefits of his plan and here I can feel it!
Good luck Brandon! Update us later!
Hi Dara,
It is good to know that you are ok now. I guarantee you one day she will contact you. For now just continue what you are doing. I know it is hard to fight the urge of contacting our ex but be strong. If you feel like calling her or texting her just go out leave your phone at home and do some sports or hobbies that you love. Now if you feel 100 percent that you are ready to text her without any hope if she gonna reply to you then do it. Just say hi and tell her you remember her and hope everything is great for her. There is nothing wrong of going to date and flirting with other girls it will boost your confidence. If you are totally over her then if you are ready for a new relationship then do it. Just be cool, i am not saying stop hoping but be positive whatever will happen. If she will come back to you, she will but if not i know doing the NC and being happy with yourself will make you a accept the fact that its over. If she cant give you the closure that you need i know time will give it to you. Every relationship is different my friend, you will know by then if it is time to give up or continue hoping. Goodluck! Enjoy being single coz you will never know when you gonna be single again. Lol! You will miss it.
Hi Brandon,
Thanks for the advice. I don't have that strong urge to call or text her. I randomly see her in the gym, on average once in a week. Then I have the urge to look at her or see if I could talk to her. Though I was successful in not talking to her but the last time (yesterday) the urge of looking at her was quiet strong.
I went on a date last week. It was fun. Its been a while that I have started flirting with girls hear and there. But apparently, a part of me still prefer my ex over them. I will wait for two more weeks before the next contact.
By the way, I believe till now you have done it great!! Good job man!! Best of luck!!
Hi.
I will be done with my no contact of one month on 15th.
She is really very happy with her life right now and was not at all willing to talk to me. I guess the same will go now too.
We will be moving to other cities in july.
What type of text should i send her that she replies. Also i had logged in to her fb and changed her password and unfriended her. Its been 20 days since. Should i sene hr
Should i send her a message (like mentioned in the sample letter) to her along with a friend request on facebook ?
She has kind of decided that she dosen't wants to talk to me. Is there any way or any specific message by which i can be friends with her and make her reply ? Please help me people.
Im not sure man. My ex doesnt talk to me either. If you have relationship rewind kevin said to use the text in deaths door section. BUT i dont know if he will recommend the same for you. Goodluck.
Hi Anon, I wouldn't know either obviously I'm no expert in relationships hence why I'm here :( ... but text wise I think something like: "I have some news I want to share with you, I hope you'll be happy for me :)" and leave it at that... I guess that will instigate an interest in her to find out what it is? but then you have to have something great to tell her about you so, you might want to take a new hobby something completely different to what you would normally do to show her you've changed a bit or something she's interested in I don't know! but at least if you take your time in answering her (not too long though) she'll add you back on facebook in case you've shared that news with the world and this way could be a small step back in... But I suggest you ask Kevin cos this might backfire... good luck!
Thanks guys. I'll have to wait quite long for kevin to reply. I am really unsure what to do here. If i should use the letter or the text or both. By the way i think we will be in the same city for around 10 days only in july. I want things to be right before that.
Dear everyone,
I know Kevin isn't available for the next couple of weeks but I thought we could still support each other during his absence although, it's best to wait for Kevin's advice if we have anything serious to ask.
So, my story today is that I'm almost on the verge of breaking NC after only TWO AND HALF weeks :'( I feel so pathetic and I need someone to slap 'Don't do it Rihanna!' into me. And the sad thing is, I know my ex isn't having fun cos he's sick and depressed (hence the break up) so why do I feel the urge to text him already? yes, I miss him but isn't it sad that he isn't showing any emotions towards me at all? I feel sick all the time and seriously want to die! But only cos I'm feeling clingy NOT because I'm feeling love... weird! I have to wait another month maximum and for those who did the NC you should be very proud of yourselves, cos it's not easy at all! I have so much to do in my life right now and I'm planning to do something each day... Also, I'm really unhappy with where I am and I want to move back to the city but I'm afraid if I did move back I'll visit all the places we went together etc... and all this hurt is just adding up :( ... What do you guys do when you feel you're about to text and break your NC?
Dont rihanna! Dont break it just yet. Keep your cool! Focus on other things. Your 2 weeks of hardwork will go to waste if you contact him now. You can do it.
Thank you Daniel, I just went visited some friends but I was like a zombie... this is really hard but I'm willing to wait it out and hopefully I'll be in a better place in life and better frame of mind when I do contact him in a month time (fingers crossed it'll be successful)... hope all is well with you, I enjoy reading your progress and thanks for sharing.
Rihanna!
I know how you're feeling right now.. My ex is sick too, he's in the hospital because he broke hes knee during a cross competition.. He's 18, and i'm 18,
We broke up for almost a month ago, just because i didn't stop fighting with him.. He has always been very honest and straight to me, while i was playing mindgames with him.. i wanted to know if he cared so much that he told me he did, he said to me that he had never felt this way before for a girl, that we was meant to be together, he wanted me forever and so on.. We had a distance relationship, and we broke up because he reached his breakingpoint because of all the fights i started with him.. Not until we broke up i saw what i lost, and i lost the love of my life.. I have never felt this way before for a boy, and he had never felt this way before for a girl he said :(
Last week i called him and asked him for a new chance with him, i said that i had grew up alot since the break up, he said that he wanted to think about it! I was soooo happy that he said that! But i had a thought back in my mind that we can't just really let go of the past after three weeks away from eachother.. So from an hour ago, we said that we were best as friends .. I think we have to stop talking to eachother, then maybe become friends, and if we think it's possible maybe go back to eachother.. He told me for a moment ago that in the future we maybe go back to eachother, but in the future, and anything is possible then..
Should i go back to no talking in a month with him? I know he's the one, and if it takes to be friends before we try again, i'm willing to be that. I will never forget that he told me that i am the girl he thought were impossible to find and he had never felt this way before for a girl. Now i know, my feelings are the same for him, it's just that i saw that now after the break up.. Please help, anyone? :(
/ Lovisa!
Thank you Lovisa, your reconciliation sounds promising so good luck!
I really hope that i still have a chance.. i was a bitch and i know that, and we broke up just because i didn't stop fighting with him because i was so immature and insecure of the distance :(
I hope in time everything works out for all of you guys! keep fighting :)
Remember - if it's still in your mind, it's worth fighting for..
Hey richanna
I might be a Lil to late,but don't break the NC its only gonna put you back at square one. My personal advice is do something fun hang out with friends/family treat yourself to a spa with your girlfriends. We can support each other as I'm going through the samething and know how hard it could get. If you want we can exchange emails and guide each other.
Thank you Latoya and good luck :)
Hi Rihanna,
Hang in there. I know it is tough as I'm feeling the same. My ex broke up with me out of the blue 5 weeks ago. I made all the classic mistakes in that first week of texting her, even random stuff I thought she would find interesting, but getting no replies. I went no contact, sadly I broke it 16 days in, by sending her a text. Will power was very weak and I was missing her like crazy. She sent back a text telling me that "while breakups are tough and that I was a great guy, I need to respect her decision and leave her alone". I now back at 12 days NC and had a tough day yesterday when I heard our song playing on the radio. I went home and cried. I really want to reach out to her, but had to come back to this website to remind myself that I need the space to heal.
Yes it tough as you will badly want to reach out to your Ex but hang in there. It will be worth it in the long run and there are lots of people on this website cheering for you :)
Thank you Steve. I feel your pain, I'm in my third week of NC and yesterday, like you, I cried as well but in the shower cos I live back with my mum (as if the breakup isn't hard enough) and I've had to move my entire life back to the country :( and start my life from scratch! eeewk... When's the end of your NC? What are you doing in the meantime? I'm doing one change at a time each day so good luck to you also, and thanks for sharing :)
Hey Rihanna,
Last time you asked a guy point of view. Now I want to ask a girl point of view.
Today was around 43rd day of NC. I saw her in the gym. Apparently, she is now a better looking person than what we broke up. It make me sort of jealous. Reason is obvious, a part of me felt that now more guys will be attracted to her. Now my question is that since I have made a lot of improvements on myself. Will it make her sort of jealous? Before the break up I asked this question to a girl friend and she said "do you think girls are physical oriented?". What's your opinion?
Thanks,
Dara
Hi Dara, my opinion is YES it will make her if not jealous at least more attracted to you, especially if you're looking the same when you two first met, that same attraction will surface again. Plus, people are visual so we do care about looks, guys and girls, and if she sees a cute girl chatting to you in the gym she'll start to wonder about you again but my opinion is, even if a girl did come up to you don't over do it with flirting cos you want your ex to think every girl wants my guy but he won't just go for anyone, so being with you would mean a lot more in this way. Be hard to reach but not too much in your exes direction... be firm and gentleman and she'll be in your arms :) just my girly opinion... good luck! :)
Hi Rhianna
Yeah it feels good just to talk and not be judged or told you are making the wrong decisions. So what am I’m doing ? Taking it one day at a time at the moment. Some days are tough, some are easy. Right now its lots of little things that keep me going. I allowed my ex to become my world when we were dating. I’m 35 so majority of my friends are now married with kids and trying to organise catching up with them can be a hassle, so I have a lot of lonely nights sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking wine. Not the best for moving on I know :P
Weekends I have started getting out more, I even went to the movies by myself last Saturday
One positive that I’ve always had going for myself is I run a lot, 3 -4 times a week, so keeping fit has always been a part of what I do. Even if I don’t feel like a run, I live 10min drive from the beach and going for a walk is always a great way to relax
Not sure when I will end NC. I’m day 40 since we broke up and I still feel emotionally up and down. Having read lots lately about breakups, It could of been Kevin who said this or someone else, but the quote was “Woman aren’t attracted to men who are needy, desperate, who grovel and whine”. Until I feel that I can comfortably past that hurdle then I will end NC. In saying that I know my ex was working on a massive project with her work that will be finish around 3rd July and that could be the opportunity to reach out with a text to see how she is doing with it
Thank you for sharing your story Steve. I'm 32 and in the same way, all my friends are married with kids and I feel like an outsider. I have my up and downs too and today I miss him a lot, the mornings we spent together, people used to envy our love everywhere we went and it's sad that it's gone! Yes, women don't like needy but we also don't like 'cold' men it's nice to show emotions as well. I'm 20 days into NC and like you 40 days since the break up, I feel confused and don't want to go on meaningless dates (it's not me anyway). I'm so lost right now, not sure whether or not to take a leap of faith and move back to the city or stay in the country with my family but every time I do take any kind of risk it backfires :( ... I'm not sure whether to go to college here and find work here or go back and do it there (what I wish to do). I don't have many friends here or there and really, I have no idea where to live :'( it's very hard to lose someone you love but to lose everything else too makes it even harder. I'm also thinking of my first text out on the 6th july cos that's the date we met and I have an idea what to say but can't guarantee he'll respond. He's going through pain and depression so I'm not sure what will happen ... What do you think?
Hi Rihanna,
NC are tough actually, im already in 3 months of NC and Counting. But i Ex girl seems to be darn happy about her college life and any other stuff that does not include me. To be honest, i did NC just to shape myself up and i felt better and im not as needy as before. During NC, perhaps you should find activities to keep yourself from thinking anything bout him. No doubt its hard but you gotta try. In fact up untill now i do still feels for my ex but im more to changing to myself to prove to her that i'm a better person today compare to last time. believe in yourself you can do it !
Thank you Sean, and good luck to you :)
Thank you Rihanna!! I hope you will be doing great in a couple of weeks!!
Hey Rihnna,
I feel you. It sucks. It fucking sucks. I wish I could just totally delete her in my life. But this fucking feelings just won't go away. I'm so depressed because I've got no one to share to. I have friends but I only contact them online, we are not seeing each other personally because they are busy.
I haven't told my mom yet that we are no longer together because I don't know how to tell her out of nowhere. I don't want my mom hurt if I'll be telling her the real reason she broke up with me is because she doesn't love me anymore.
I wish I never met her. It is better to never love at all than lost.
I just need some hug right now....
Hey Raed,
I haven't told my mom either, but she got it herself. One day, she told me that she does not see any facebook pictures in which we are together. Does it mean that we are no more together. It was a hard moment to say yes to my mom! I understand you!!
Dara,
Yes, it is really hard to open up to ypur family that you are no longer together. I just hope one day they would get a hint because I cannot really tell them. I will find it harder to see them hurt as well.
Kevin,
Thankyou for all the help so far. Im not really in a rush to get my ex back. I wantes to have a higher chance to get her back. Would my chances increase if i wait for 2-3 months rather waiting for another month? Thanks in advance.
Good on you, Daniel! I love your attitude and good luck!
Rihanna,
Thanks. I hope i get some positive response from her. I need all the luck on the world.
Daniel, Rihanna,
I am not a religious person but what if we pray for each other as well? We can pray to get our ex back but I think we should pray to Him to help us decide what we should do for the better. Whether want our exes backor just move on. I think we should pray not for them to change their minds but for us to value ourselves more because above all, it is WE, ourselves, that need most of the love we would wnt to give.
Hi Kevin,
My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago reason why is that she found out I cheated on her in the beginning of our relationship. It was a huge mistake, I was drunk and stuff happened. We went out for about 5 months, and we were pretty serious. We both loved each other. A month after the breakup I find out she's going out with one of my friends, I was pissed but I played it cool. Just up until about a month ago I tried contacting her to see how she was doing. She blew up at me and said she doesn't want to speak to me and that's she's still trying to forget about me. I haven't contacted her since. Now I'm confused, I don't know if I should try contacting her again, or just move on. Do you think there's still a chance. FYI it's been almost 6 months after our breakup. And also we live close to each other so I practically see her almost everyday.
Hey,
If she is angry, that means she still has feelings. However, since it's been 6 months already, I'll recommend you try to move on. You've already wasted six months pursuing her and wasting more time is not a wise idea.
Hey kevin my gf/fiancee of 3 years broke up with me she said i have done enough to make her not love me anymore but the weird part is she came and got her stuff from me the strange thing is when she saw me she had this look i cant explain. She looked sad but also just depressed and looked as if she missed me she tells me that her heart belongs to another should i belive this and just give up? Should i presue this any further? I have had friends say we saw her and this guy grabing on one anothers thighs. Is this still her rebound relationship or is it her im over you im moveing on relationship?
It's probably a rebound. You should do NC and follow the plan.
I just finished my 30 days of no contact the other day so yesterday was my first contact text. I started off by saying 'I have a confession to make'...to make him interested in what I was going to say. He replied 'what's that'? And from there I waited a whole hour before texting him back in which I said 'I was cleaning out my room and found my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey with a Huron Shores motel business card in it. It made me think of when you gave it to me after I picked you up from the boat. It actually made me smile'. Then he replied a couple hours later 'there are some good memories no doubt about it'....I waited 20mins before telling him I was meeting up with some friends and that I would talk to him later.
He bought the book as a gift for me and the motel we stayed at was nothing but an intimate and fun time for us. We hadn't seen each other for three months so it was nothing but a postive memory.
What should be my next choice of action? Do you think that went well?
Yes, it did. Wait a couple of days and text again.
Anyone is welcome to comment. I sent another text after waiting a couple days and I wrote asking if he remembered when we were both sick on my birthday and how we just laid in our living room all day watching episodes of our favorite show and then I told him some news I heard regarding the show. He hasn't responded to my text at all.
I think there might have been a little too much emotion in that text message and he could be picking up on what I'm doing. Or he could be busy and that's why he's not responding? I feel like I goofed my progress up! Any thoughts on what I should do? Go into NC for a little bit could be a good idea?
Hey Rina,
I think you did a great job the first time! For now you may apply NC for a week or two. Next time try to convince for a short meeting like coffee. This is all I can say for now! You can even wait until Kevin is back! What I have learnt here is that there is no harm in NC!
Good luck Rina!!
Thank you for your reply! He ended up texting me and we chatted for a bit.
He just asked for space when we broke up and were in kind of a in a long distance relationship. Meaning he leaves for work for a couple months at a time and then comes back. So I need to build up our conversation a bit more before asking to visit him. I just want to respect his need for space and don't want to rush anything. So, how long should I be waiting in between texting him and how can I build up that reattraction? Thank you!
Hey Rina,
Glad to hear that! So you are doing great!! Give him the space he wants. My personal suggestion is that you can even act like you also need more space and time.
About texts, go cold if he is cold and act warm if he is warm. Don't be too available. Time gap should be more or less same as his in sending texts.
LOL I used to bombard my ex girlfriend with text messages and now I am commenting you!! Good luck Rina!! Hope to hear good news from you!!
Dara,
We sent a few texts back and forth just yesterday and it seemed to go well! My instincts are telling everything is going to work out! I'll text him tomorrow and try and make some conversation. We've talked about a couple positive memories and I think doing NC with him has helped to get rid of most of those negative feelings!
He's not one to initiate conversations other than yesterday he asked if my car was going to be alright because I posted a Facebook status saying I had the worst luck with them and just laughed at myself! So that was thoughtful of him to check in on me. I think this will work out!
Hey Kevin, I've been written here, but I need your advice again
I will try to be as short as possible
My relationship with this guy has never been defined, we saw each other four months, everything was great, but he was quite hesitant, he did not want a relationship, he hurt me, because at the end he said that we should be just friends..
we were very close and he showed all the signs that wants something more with me
I was broken. He broke the contact because I was too needy (I guess), then I decided to improve myself and I read your articles. I started no contact, and it's been exactly one month, and then he contacted me FIRST on facebook .... I was surprised
(You told me you think that I was probably his rebound .... for me it was hard to believe, but after I have long thought, I think you might be right…)
So after NC,he began to contact me very often, like before ... it’s been 40 days now ,so I was thinking to arrange a meeting…
but last week he started acting strangely,he don’t write me any more, not even respond to a message... just out of kindness-“I'm busy, contacting you later”
It worries me, I try to be cool about it, but I see that he is different
I do not know whether it has to do with an event. It was a concert in my city (he lives in another city), He told me he will come with his friends, and invited me to come ...
This is the kind of music I don’t listen (and he knows it), so I politely said no and told him that we will see another occasion, he took it just fine.
but I've noticed that since then he become cold
Kevin, I do not know what should I do now, I do not want to start a conversation about us through Facebook, we were not on meeting since we first broke up ...
I do not know what to do now, I do not want to lose him, but I'm stuffering ...
I do not know whether I should still wait to see how he will behave, or should I contact him at all .... or should I try to arrange a meeting as soon as possible? I really don’t know…please help
Hey Martina,
I am sorry to say this but in my opinion, he as just looking to hook up with you while he was in town and now that you've declined him, he is cold again. He probably had no intentions of starting a relationship with you and was just testing if you were available for hooking up. In my opinion, you should cut all contact with him and don't reply to him anymore.
I see now that he blocked me on chat on facebook so that i cant see him anymore
However, i think you have right ,thank you very much
I think i need to remove him from my life,for my own good :(, i sufferd too much
thank you for everything Kevin
Kevin,
thanks man. You are really a great help. I also think the same, that maybe i acted too early but i didnt make any follow up texts. She is so eager to be independent and prove to herself that she is fine alone. Im kinda worries about thia because it may take a lot of time before he opens up to me again. I need to prove to her that i dont want her anymore that im over her and im not needy. and that all i want is friendship.
Hi Kevin, I commented last Sunday. My ex and I were on and off for 18 months. He said he wasn't ready for commitment and we'd both been badly hurt. He now has a gf of about one month who has a an 11mth old child with someone else. I had a engagement BBQ to go to. You told me to not talk to him for more than five mins at a time and be positive/happy, that you thought she may be a rebound and I stood a decent chance. So I did what you said. There were only 8 of us there in total and he didn't bring her along. Throughout the day/ evening I found that he would always be sitting next to me or near me. If I got up out my seat he'd quickly sit in it. I was sat on the floor in the living room and he made a point of knocking me and then resting his feet right by my arm so we were just touching. I pretended like I didn't notice. Then when all in one room together he text me saying "hi". I didn't reply. 4 of us including him shared a taxi home as we live in the same areas. He broadcasted that he wanted to get dropped off at his gf as he was "getting lucky". I made no response. I was the first drop off point. He text me and I asked him to delete my number as I didn't think it was fair on anyone. He said "no don't delete my number we are friends". I ignored it. I heard from him briefly earlier but I said I was off out on a date and to have a good day - he didn't respond. Have I ruined things? I'm devastated he stayed at hers last night. I'm unsure if I can get him back. Do I start 30 days again?
You did great. However, telling him you were on a date was a bad idea since it was pretty obvious that you said it to get back at him. But I think it would've still made him jealous. You don't need to restart NC.
Thanks for replying so quickly kevin. Can you explain your thoughts on his actions? The always being near me, texting me whilst we were in the same room but then going back to hers...do I still stand a decent chance?
Just to add when he contacted me today I said it wasn't fair on his gf to be texting me, that I was happy for him and to take care. Was that wrong?
If you are still in no contact, then it wasn't wrong.
Trying to get a reaction out of you. Testing whether you still have feelings for him. And trying to make you jealous. Yes, you do have a decent chance.
Hey Kevin:
So at the mutual friend's wedding I saw her for the first time since the breakup. We talked in a group at the reception and she responded to the things I said and laughed when I told a funny story or whatever. I asked her a few questions about herself and she asked a few about me when we talked one-on-one. I thought it was going ok, so I asked her to dance. She said "no, I don't think I want to". Later I asked her if she was sure she didn't want to dance, just for fun and she said "yeah I'm sure". When we danced in a big group she made sure she wasn't right next to me at all. At the after party she didn't really talk to me and seemed to avoid me completely. I sent her a text this morning saying that I hope it was alright to ask her to dance, and I just thought it would be a fun way to break the ice. I'm glad we all had fun anyway! And she didn't respond, but I know that she's awake. Is this a bad sign? I really don't want to give up on her. It just seems like she is trying to convince herself that there's nothing there between us anymore. How do I reverse that?
Nevermind, she responded but I know that she had read my message several hours before she ended up responding. She said it was alright that I asked but that she thought it wasn't a good idea. But she also said yeah last night was a lot of fun! So anyway, I'm worried that I've made my intentions pretty clear with her. But she probably thinks that my intentions are just to get back with her, when really I just want to show her that I've changed and am more enjoyable to be around. What do you think I should do? Should I respond to her message and try to make that clear, or should I just drop the subject that I asked her to dance, or should I not respond at all?
Don't respond. Do a week NC and text her.
Please help me... I found some of ex's clothes is my room. We have talked in about 3-4 months and I sent her a message saying I had some of her clothes. We agreed upon a place to meet. What should I do now..? I'm comopletley lost.. Please help!!
Give her the clothes. Be confident and if you haven't done NC till now, end the meeting asap and start NC. If you are done with NC and are confident, then talk to her and try to have a good time with her.
I sent her a text after this to see how she doing, and I haven't gotten a response for 2 days now, does it mean she's ignoring me on purpose? Or is she done with me.?
So I was recently cleaning out my room (moving out of home) and I found some of my ex's clothes, I sent her a text saying that I found them, and we agreed to meet at her house. I went over, and I apologized for everything because I didn't wanna be on bad teems anymore. I didn't contact her for about 3+ months when I texted her about the clothes. Anyways, I didn't want us to be on bad terms so I gave her a hug and all that and then I asked her if she hated me. Her reaponse was " I dont have a reason to hate you, we had some really good times together and I'll never forget them" and then hugged it out and I left.
I do want her back.. But she told her friend who told me that she isn't think I'm hot anymore, nor is she interested in me anymore.. She is the perfect girl.. Is their still anyway that I can win her back..? Please help..
So I met up yesterday with my ex for lunch. I looked hot, was positive, happy, etc. and everything went well, I think. Then later in the day I sent him a text message to say thanks for lunch (he paid and said I could get it next time) and that it was nice to reconnect and be able to hang out. I got one back the next morning and it had the word "friend" in it. How do I avoid being totally friend zoned as we start to hang out again?
Some context is that he broke up with me because the spark had faded a few months before. Not sure if I have a chance if that is the case..
Don't worry about being friendzoned unless he starts talking about his other romantic interests with you.
Hi all, I’m truly puzzled, please help me understand the difference between the two: 1) at #1 Deadly mistake Kevin puts an example: “Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look desperate and needy to your ex, e.g. – Hey, just calling to see how you’re doing. Translation: I’m miserable without you, please come back. ”
Here is my problem. I’ve been in absolute NC for 2 months (being all needy and pleading prior to that). So how will a letter plus a text saying “Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.” (just quoting random example) sound any different to my ex, other then – oh, she is contacting me again. She must be missing me and desperate to get bk together. I’m only asking this because after 2 months I want to initiate contact, but am not sure how to avoid leaving the above mentioned impression.
Because of the no contact. By doing NC, you've shown already that you are not needy and you are willing to let him go. And the template that I mention in the article is not an empty message like the ones people usually send after a breakup when they have no idea what to say and only want to hear their exes voice.
Hey Kevin!
My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and immediately after that I begged him for a another chance because I was so sad. I asked him if we could try something.
So we have agreed 3 weeks ago that we don't have contact for a month. But you said, that we shouldn't tell our ex that, so is this no-contact month senseless now?
I also wrote him after a week and asked him if he does something to miss me and he told me that there is a 51 % chance that the feelings come back.
So is this senseless? Because we arranged that..
And if so, what can I do next? In about a week he wanted to contact me if it worked or not. I'm so desperate right now but I really don't want to lose him!
Can you help me? What should I do next?
P.S. I'm turning 18 next week and my boyfriend is 20 and we were together for about 2 1/2 years
No it's not senseless. It will still work. Make a lot of positive changes in your life during this time. If you are still desperate when he contacts you, tell him you need some more time and do NC for another month. As long as you are desperate, your chances of getting him back are very less.
Hi so I took your advice after last time. Basically had no contact and send her the letter..she got in touch saying she's really happy for me but can only be my friend. I know it's important to establish the friendship first so what would be the next step after that. Thanks
Be friends with her. Talk to her and eventually ask her to hang out.
Hey kevin, please help me out.
I was the bitch in our relationship. I treated my ex bad. Even he also treated me as shit at the end. But we were so madly in love for nearly 3 years but this sudden stormy situation ruined everything. I admit that he's the best guy I ve ever had and he also says that I'm the best girl he has had in his life. At the latter part we faught so often. Our rekationship was a bitter pain for both of us.. yet we stayed togethr because we remembered how much we loved eachother. But on my birthday i got a big surprise gift from a guy who likes me.but my ex just wished right at d mid night and thats all. I didnt know who sent me that gift so i asked my ex whether it was him. After i found out who it was i told my ex about that. He wasnt mad. But at the middle of the convo we faught for some reason and i told him that we're so not the right couple. Then he said that he got some messages from his ex and told her that he lives only me. He said that he woukd just go to her if he knew that i didn't believe we're the right couple. So i asked him to go back to his ex. He said ok and left. Then i found out that he's in a relationship with a girl (not his ex) who he met in a dating site who lives oceans away from here. We were just friends after we broke up. And after i got to know that he'sin an online relationship i asked him out again. He said no. :-( is there a chance that he would come back to me? Plus he said he likes me 99 but he hates me 100. :-(
Dew,
You should apply no contact. There's a chance you will get him back, but from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Do NC for at least three months. Think very hard if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with him. Approach him after NC only if you are absolutely sure that you can have a healthy relationship with him.
I'm doing NC since last week.. it acts in the other way I think. I mean like now I realize that I treated him bad. Every rude thing I did flashes my mind.. I doubt that we can have a happy relatinship even if he comes back.. I have my final exams in august.. so I thought of concentrating n the exam. I ll learn through my mistakes. I ll do as u say.. :-). Thanks a lot..
Hi Kevin how are you? Here is a quick summary of my situation, I was in a 4 year relationship we had our ups and downs and tried our best to keep things strong but eventually hurt each other and then she couldn't take it anymore and gave up on me. This was around 9 months ago, I pleaded, begged her back but of course it didn't work. There has been a few times where we would communicate via text, she would message me saying I saw you in my dreams last night. After that we had a argument which made her upset.This was just under a month ago ever since then I have been doing no contact so that is about 22 days no contact so far. My question is do you think she's thinking about me or missing me? Also her birthday is 9 days time? Do I message her happy birthday? Will that break the no contact rule? I'm so confused if I should message her happy birthday or not? Please help me. Thank You
She is probably missing you. Wish her birthday but keep it short. Don't contact her after birthday for 1-2 weeks.
I have wished her happy birthday today let's see if I get a reply. If I do I will not respond for 1 or 2 weeks then what do I do Kevin?
Hi Kevin, 7 days ago my partner of 7 years just walk out on me and my son and said he's not in love with me anymore and that he felt it for quite a few weeks now. The most devastating thing is he is with another woman who i trusted and was so very close to me. It really broke my heart to pieces knowing they're constantly communicating behind my back. Now he's with her and said he fall in love with her and wants a future with her. I don't know at this point what i'm going to do, i'm still in so much pain. Although i did the bad thing of begging when he walked out but that was it, i didn't say anything again or rant to him about what he's done to me. I love him so much that i want him to be back in my life and start all over again. We have a 5 yr old son so it's hard to do the NC thing. What should i do to make him come back to us? He's with the woman now and she has a child too which was my son's now ex best friend.... Him spending time with them is not gonna do good in the eyes of my son. Please help. Thank you. G.
You should do NC. Read this article to learn how to do NC when you have a child together.
Kevin,
Now that she didnt reply. What wise move should o dp next? Wait weeks? Or months? And what to text her?
Really need your advice. Thanks
Hey Daniel,
I'd recommend you wait a month. I think she can use one more month of no contact. There's a text about GSI in relationship rewind in the death's door section. Use that one. Although, skip the first part of the text since you didn't really act too much crazy after the breakup.
Hi Everyone,
It's been pretty nice having so many people that understand what were all going through and with everyone being so supportive of each other, it makes things so much easier. I am grateful to everyone who has commented on my post, you guys helped me out of some dark places, so thank you. I'd like to say its been fun guys but that would be a lie hahaha, I'm just happy I am moving past this time in my life. That being said I am still glad I have had the opportunity to talk to you guys, I hope the best for all of you. Kevin, its been great and I thank you so much for your help through this but I can honestly say I hope I never need your help again hahaha.
P.S. One last thing everyone, whenever you feel as if things are at their worst, just remember, when everything is dark and cold, even if you can't see it, always know the sun is just over the horizon. So no matter how long the night last, the sun will rise again.
If you have ever watched the sun rise, than you know what it feels like to be kissed by the rays of the sun, those first few beams of light that run down your face, to be engulfed by that warmth that envelopes your entire body...its waiting for you!!!
"It's always darkest just before the dawn"
Good Luck, and Goodbye
Good luck to you Zach! What's going on with you, why the 'goodbye'? :)
Hey Rihanna,
Its all on the last comments page, close to the top, it was a series of post between a bunch of us. It should explain the goodbye.
I read that you were giving up and it's disappointing although, if you've moved on then it's great for you and good luck! Wishing you all the best for your future :)
good luck, Zach! Something better will come your way and you will wonder why you even considered getting back with your ex. All the best!
Dear Everyone,
I just want to share my experience of NC so far and I hope to receive some feedback, I'd really appreciate it. It's been about 3 weeks since my last contact and in the beginning I was numb although it was hard 'not' to act crazy with excessive texts and pointless phone calls. However, recently I have been missing him terribly that my anger/disappointment with him has decreased and this emotion of 'missing him' has taken over any other feelings I may have had when we first drifted. I've been experiencing some panic attacks at night (something I've never experienced before), sleeplessness, drowsiness, nausea, loneliness, and anxiety (minor). I've learnt some breathing techniques which help temporarily but then, all those negative emotions come back and I wish I could cry but I can't although I feel my tears could drop any second. Sometimes I ask myself, could someone who once claimed to have loved in a 'deep and rare' way and 'never have felt this way before' simply disappear and not look back? or could that very person have exaggerated his feelings? or that sometimes circumstances force people to act a certain way? How could somebody who once claimed to 'not being able to live without you' suddenly go completely cold and switch off his emotions? My NC period has been an awakening period for me, I've been looking after myself, I have plans ahead, I'm trying to enjoy a moment each day but I'm human and can't help have these feelings of disappointment and grief. I hope I can pretend to be strong and cool (and I am putting that front because no one understands my situation where I am) so, I hope to get some of your insights, your hopes, your experiences with NC and mainly, what it is that you're doing to move on in your plan B? Thank you everyone, sending my love to you all xx
Rihanna
Hi, I can feel you I am having pretty much the same feelings. It is just that I asked him for too much and gave him an ultimatum. I thought that I was right that he had to do more for our relationship. We have had a long distance relationship for 4 years now and I couldn't take it any more. I was so angry with him. After two months it is clear to me that I want him and I love him more then I thought. All the pride and anger are gone and it is just the hurt that remained. I finished the NC and I contacted him. He answered me just a polite e-mail and after that nothing, no answer at all to the short messages. I was terribly wrong. Every night I cry myself to sleep and every morning when I wake up I can just feel a big kick in my stomach and the panic attack starts.
Hang on and if you have the energy to enjoy the moment, its the best thing you can do. Good luck.
Rihanna,
I believe everyone here has more or less the same feelings as you do. For me about 40 days are passed and now I feel far better than the day she broke up with me. In the first 7 days, maybe I had all sorts of dreams/nightmare about her. In some, we were together again while in some other she was with another guy. It was terrible. However, as time passed the intensity of my negative feelings decreased. Probably because it was not my first breakup plus I worked some much on myself that I almost got my self-confidence back.
Yes, it is annoying when I think about the love letters/notes that she used to put in my wallet, bag, etc. to surprise me but the last day she told me she never loved me. I kept those notes and kept reading them everyday. This is how I fell in love with her, but she didn't want my love anymore!
Even though in the first days it was hard to hold a smile on my face, if my friends asked me about her, I would say, "Its life and people come and go, I think she is gone. Lets see how the next one is..." and we would laugh at it. Maybe they felt bad about me because they knew that I had a surprise B'day party for her just 20 days before our breakup and I had prepared another big surprise for Valentines day with the help of another friend.
Anyway, whenever I feel stupid about doing those many favors to her, I tell myself that she is gone because she did not deserve it. By the way, she was not all bad. LOL
Rihanna and Sarah, take your time. Work on yourself. Learn to become a bit selfish. Time will heal everything.
Cheers!!
Dara
Sarah and Dara, Thank you for your reply.
I'm sorry to hear that we're going through this pain and not sure if our exes even care. My ex and I had a loving breakup cos it was due to circumstances and now we live in different cities. He's been ignoring my calls and texts ever since I came except for once almost a month ago when he called to ask what I want to do with my stuff? And I thought, ummm there's NOTHING I can do because I left town so told him to chuck everything away to goodwill but asked him if you could keep my books and said 'ok, will do' in his final message to me. I'm the one who should be angry and never want to speak to him again cos of his attitude and how he treated the circumstances (he had an injury and doctors told him he couldn't work and he ran out of money too)... I'm on my third week of NC and plan to text him in a month time 'something reminds me of you' but if he ignores that text as well I think as hard as it sounds I'll try and move on... I have a feeling that he'll want to contact me someday and that day will be too late if he keeps pushing me away now. I was in one other long term relationship before him but we had zero connection, zero love, zero intimacy for the entire time so I walked out of that very long relationship with zero regret and I don't miss him at all... My ex is my first experience with true love (even at my age, I'm in my early 30s) and he always loved that about me too. We had a passionate, loving relationship, we had trust, great connection, great communication and people envied what we had wherever we went cos it's that rare kind of love. I wish to know whether he's thinking about me during NC, or missing me. How will I find out these things? Wouldn't he get in contact with me if he missed me? and sometimes I wonder if he was honest with me, the only thing that gives me hope that what we had was real is that he invited me to stay at his family home (and I did) and he introduced me to all his friends and relatives as 'his fiancee'... I need a guy's point of view here to see what goes on inside my ex's head? lol
Rihanna,
Today, I miss her the most considering last 2-3 weeks. Maybe its a weekend and I am alone by myself. Its strange because last week I was even considering moving on.
I am 31 and had 6-7 relationships from 6 months to 2 years excluding my last one and many dates. I am sure that non of my friend will ever imagine that I am looking forward to win my ex back.
Once, I had a long distance relationship with a girl for 6 months but eventually I broke up with her. It was fun in the beginning but my problem was that we never had intimacy because of her religious points of view. I had to support her emotionally but did not get in return what I expected. Moreover, I did not like the pet names she kept on me (probably she thought that she is acting funny). Also, on those days I had terrible financial problems (was student and hand no job) and preferred saving every single cents rather than spending on a date. Well, it hurts to be a man but your girlfriend who is also not in good condition take you on a date (well don't forget a non-intimate one). My feelings were gone. To make things worse she would criticize me for not responding her texts. It was all unintentional. It was like a force made me not look at her texts.
One day, she got frustrated and asked me to breakup. I accepted it but could hear her crying on the phone. I felt so bad about myself that I felt like I should have never started this relationship. Soon, I started looking for another girl. She called me after a month. This time she was firm and not needy.We had a wonderful night together. She had a royal kind of dress. During the dinner, she kept saying how sexy, handsome, etc. I looked... that I am the man of her dreams, blah blah. But I was thinking if I looked so sexy then why don't you have sex with me!! I walked her to the Inn where she was supposed to stay at that night and she screamed "I love you" even when I was far away.
Rihanna, this was my only long distance relationship and I decided not to have any LD anymore. Also, I never promised her anything and I never told her "I Love You". I am sure that every man has his own reasons for breakups and I don't know what is ideal to your ex. Kevin has an article about LD breakups. I hope you have seen it.
Have a great weekend and keep calm!
Dara
Dara, I wasn't in a LD relationship I was living with him but I moved back with my family to a different city Because we broke up and we broke up due to financial circumstances due to his health. He wouldn't allow me to support him $ cos he's old school so he sent me to my parents and broke contact with me... Do you think he'll come back? He said he's never been in love before me (though he's had lots of relationships and was in a long term before me too) and I've never felt this connection with anyone either... I'm sooooooooo sad! :'(
Rihanna,
Hey, I feel you. When the break up is still fresh, i am so clingy. Then i suddenly feel good alone and feel good about myself. Just as i thought that im already slowly moving on, i had again these panic attacks especially at night when i will suddenly jolt out in bed and wanting to throw up and palpitating. I hate that feeling so much. I have been sick since then. I have been physically, emotionally and psychologically tired. I tried pretending too that I can do it but it's hard to fake yourself. At times, i get so mad at her because she seems fine that i just wish i will suddenly forget her. I dont want to be bitter because it will only backfire on me but i dont want to feel concerned about her too. I dont know where to stand so I cannot help you with it yet. But Kevin said that it is normal when you are trying to do NC and you suddenly crave for him because it is your fucking mind playing tricks on you.
I dont know how to make you feel better but i just want to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE :)
Thank you Raed and Dara. May I ask how long into NC you're both into? And if you've had your first contact after NC, how did that go? I'm not sure how different men and women are when it comes to matters of the heart but from your comments I'm sensing men can also suffer a breakup just as bad as women. I'm sorry to hear of your sufferings and thank you for your comfort and support. I think from what I've sensed from this program is although the title of it is 'how to get your ex back' it's really about how to move on and be ok with it. the NC serves a very good purpose to the mind and to be able to trick it back or train it into believing that we'll survive alone and without our exes. But it's a kinder way of saying 'move on and don't look back cos your ex is an 'ex' for a reason' so the title is 'get your ex back permanently' - that's if you still want them after a lot of time has gone past and you've become a new person. I guess, either way this is a great program and Kevin is giving a lot of his time to offer us support in our time of grief to enable us to move past our hurt. The only confusion I have with my break up is that we never fought, we had a 'wonderful' relationship if only we had some money to back us up. I regret my past decisions because if I had taken better care of my pocket I'd be in a different position, I've suffered so much and lost a lot more financially and otherwise and the only joy I want from life is to 'love'. And now that's gone too... But thank you for sharing your stories, you've been great help too (as well as Kevin). You're not alone either, I'm here too unfortunately :( ... Thank god for this site so that I can vent out cos I have no one to do that with and thank god for someone like Kevin, he'll keep us sane with few white lies and good advice... Enjoy your weekend
Rihanna,
I am sorry. Apparently, I was a mess after so many weeks of being fine. I just found myself asleep by this comment. I wasn't drunk either! LOL Truly no one can say if he will come back or not but as Kevin always comments, you can increase your chances by working on yourself. Men, in general don't like to be financially supported by women though they will appreciate the intentions. This is all I can generalize.
I wish the best for you and hope things happen for the best! Have a great Sunday!
And by the way, there's nothing wrong with myself and I'm happy with who I am physically and otherwise, I don't want anyone who'll fall in love with the 'change' in me but to love me for the truth in who I am... I'm physically attractive and intelligent too... we ALL can always work on ourselves in order to keep evolving in a positive direction but don't change to get somebody's attention unless that change is a MUST do for your own sake etc...
Rihanna, I can completely understand where you are coming from. A couple of days ago my partner who I lived with ended the relationship of 2 years with me. It was an incredible relationship, we experienced a lot together and everyone always said how they wanted a relationship like ours. We were absolute best friends. The past couple of months were tough, he had lost his job so couldn't afford to pay bills etc and we got ourselves into a real rut. I helped him in every way, with money, trying to find him a new job but he was on a downward spiral through depression, doing drugs and lying a lot. I suggested that we went on a break so he could move home and sort his head out. I went three days without speaking to him until his mother called me saying that he had just had a huge row with them. I got in touch with him and he took the break as a break up. I'm not sure what he did in the three days of NC but something completely changed his mind about me. We had a two hour long phone call two nights ago in which I cried and couldn't believe that he could end something so good. I've supported him through so much, and although his mind isn't in the right place at the minute I really believe that he has made his decision. I'm (hopefully) seeing him later this week for him to collect his things, but he's not spoken to me since the phone call and I've been obsessively facebook mailing him, yet no reply. I feel like I'm going insane.... I want to give him NC but I can't stop thinking or dreaming about him, I haven't eaten in days and my sleeping pattern is all messed up. I'm afraid that he has slept with someone, I'm afraid that we'll never speak again.
I have written him a letter filled with memories and hopes for the future which I'm hoping that he will appreciate and see some sense, I don't know what else to do, we were planning marriage and everything....
Hi kevin,
My girlfriend and I broke up more than one week ago, and for the first day of our break-up, I did all what you said in the first stage. After 2 to 3 days I came to realize that I looked so needy and I pitty myself for that, so we talked and I said that ok I'll give her what she wants, I will fixed myself first and when I already did, I will win her back and I will make sure that that will be permanent and she apologized to me for what she did to me, she said she doesn't want to break up with me but she needs to because she's not healthy for me because i'm hurting myself and she's afraid and also we are not growing together, she wants me to have another world aside from her. And my big problem is, we are now on an annual vacation for 1 month and all our plans together have changed. I really wanted to do the NC but we have to meet each other because we have almost same set of friends. How can I do that if shes always around and after this vacation we are leaving in the same roof and working in the same company? And I get confused to her because when we last met she said that she missed me, she can't live without me, she wants us to watch a romantic movie just the two of us and even she even wants to continue our site visit for a house which is what we planned to buy for our future. I know her because if she dumped you she will never come back, and if she said that she doesn't love you anymore she really does, but the thing is she never told me that she don't love me anymore and when i asked her she didnt reply. I know her because we've been bestfriends before we became lovers but I know by that time that our feelings are mutual. So what will I do now? How can I carry this burden? Hope you could help me.. many thanks
Hey Mark,
Tell her you need some space and time and you'll appreciate if you both don't talk unless absolutely necessary. Start NC. Read this article to learn how to do NC when you are living together.
My question is relating to social media . I don't see much about how much should be displayed. I post something here in there to show how nice I look or me having fun on Instagram. He insists that we follow each other and that I be happy for his new relationship. How much is too much to display? Or should I not put anything for a while?? We may never get back together since he got engaged a few months after the breakup. Rebound relationship extreme??? However, I know he wants to me be happy and to 'find myself' and be confident but I am a mess. But your info confirms what I have been thinking all along, he would not be attracted to the needy me. I will follow the steps to a better 2.0 me.
Your social media activity should be the same as normal. It shouldn't look like you are posting too much just to get him jealous.
Hi Kevin and everyone.
I read your great article. Thank you so much.
We broke up one year ago (reason- my jelous) and I have been bombarding her with text messages and calls after it for a VERY long time. After this I made a 4 months NC, but it's didn't work, she just told me "Never call me, I'll never want talk to you"
Are there any rules to get her back ? Like, NC for longer time, or maybe try again to contact her..
Thanks!
Peter, your chances are very less. I think you should concentrate on moving on.
Hi Kevin,
I sent you a comment 2 days ago, but no worries I appreciate the number you are handling. My question is my girlfriend went back to the States 2 months ago from Ireland where I'm from. It was not a good break up, with me looking for a distraction and her reading some e-mails I had sent to 3 friends looking to rationalise some negative behaviours , she is a very strong, independent and stubborn person and I really got on well with her Grandmother who is a really nice and caring person who understands fully what is going on with her kids and grandkids. Would it be fair to give her a call to see how my ex is doing and to see if she thinks my ex might be prepared to make up with me if we both can put in the effort, one of acceptance , respect and mutual understanding for each others points of view?
Nope, not a good idea.
Kevin,
Thanks for the reply, will run through with "No Contact" for the 30 day period and see how things feel / stand at that stage. Have you seen people reflect on their negative sides during this period and do they ever tone them down? I have negative behaviours that I am working on at the minute. She was willing to do so much but I let the fear of thinking too much and not being open with her about things that I did not like or appreciate and never always clearly let her know my feelings so we could both learn together.
Well, my girl and I broke about three weeks ago. I made the mistake by not doing the NC rule.
I know I have her heart and she has mine. I realized the mistakes we had, but most lies on my shoulders.
Idk how I became so clingy and dependant on her. Never done that before. Can't forget about the so dumb argument (s) I initially started.
The NC rule will help me work on myself and make a game plan to work things out.
Any feed back or any tips and tricks that will benefit my need will be appreciated.
Thank you..
Drew
Kevin,
She didnt reply to my text. I said i remembered a fun activity we did and reminded me of her. She didnt reply. I admit that it was a little sad and disappointing but overall im okay. NC did have an effect on me. Im just wondering is she indifferent on me now?
Thankyou kevin. I am not devastated again. Thanks so much for everything. :)
And btw what course of action do u think is wise from here on? Text her after 2 weeks? Or star a 3month NC?
She was so eager to break up because she says she doest want us to be dependent on each other. Maybe she wants to prove to herself that she can be independent. Since she was 14 we were alreay together. Maybe she wants to be independent and try it because she has been in a relationship all her teen life. Im not sure but this is my best overview of the breakup.
What action do u suggest? Thanks kevib.
Hi Kevin, my situation is MORE COMPLICATED though. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago whilst we were doing long distance for 4 months, but we have been together for 2 years. I will be flying back home were she also stays and we work together, so I will probably get to see her before I get to write any letter or ask her out on a first date. Because we work together, I can't really do the no-contact rule since we will inevitably interact, and I only have one week before she sees me for the first time after all these months.
She broke up with me because she started to feel pressure from me over the long distance, and everyone back home was throwing this pressure in her face, and it made her feel like I own her or something.
So what do I do? Since the break up a couple of days ago, I haven't pleaded with her or begged her, or acted too needy. All I did was tell her that I realize my faults, and that maybe we can work it out when I come back in a week. But she feels unsure and nervous of me returning, and she hinted that her feelings have changed.
But I'm certain the person I had become over the distance had changed from the man she fell in love with.
Help, please.
Hey Charles,
Treat her like a colleague and don't talk about anything personal.
Just started NC. Before the breakup (3 weeks ago), she made a commitment to take me to the airport. I fully expect her to contact me by text to see if she still needs to take me. I intend on making other arrangements. How do I handle the text? Ignore? Or just politely let her know that I made other arrangements? The latter seems proper as long as I'm concise and to the point about it.
Let her know that you've made other arrangements.
Kevin,
I plan to tell her this if i have to initiate friendship first. Before i started NC we were friends. My only mistake is i was emotional and i always texting her and chatting her constantly making myself looking needy. Because i was still addicted to her but now things have changed. Thabks to you.
"I think its a nice idea if we can stay just friends, just casual and in good terms. We were once important to each other. The relationship may have been long over but it would be a shame if we also throw the frienship away. If youre comfortable with this suggestion of mine it is much appreciated but if not it is fine and acceptable. :)"
Is this a good message to initiate friendship with her? Thanks kevin. Youre opinion is much appreciated. :)
Hey Kevin,
I am in a unique situation. I am trying to win my ex back and she is dating this other guy. She still tells me that she loves me. She says she is scared to get back with me because I was the one that ended it with her. I have done ur steps. I just don't know how to prove that I have changed. She is dating this guy as a rebound and we have been dating as well. How do I get her to leave him permanently and be with me because she says that she has thought about it a lot recently, it is the fear that is preventing her?
Stop forcing her. Let it be her idea. It might take time, but it'll happen. Start going out on dates meanwhile.
Kevin,
Im nervous. I will contact jer later this afternoon. I am so ready im just nervous what will her rection be. I hope it's good. Thankyou for everything! Doing this for free is very kind of you. I wish i had seen this sooner and never made mistakes. Thankyou so much! :)
Hey Daniel,
I believe your nervousness is natural because apart from your ex, you need to prove yourself that you are no more needy. Well, even best students get nervous before their exams. I believe you can do it really cool! Good luck man!!
Thanks dara. Making this frst contact is important. It doesnt matter if she responds or not. I just gotta plant something positive about me in her mind.
Thanka for the support. I wish you the best as well.
Good luck Daniel, I hope it works out for you and let us know how she reacts to your first message... wishing you all the best :)
What do you do if you work with the person? How do you not have contact with them?
Any Suggestions?
Thanks!
Treat him like a colleague. Don't have any conversations with him unless it's absolutely necessary. If you have to talk to him, keep it short and to the point while being cordial.
Hi, Kevin
First I'd like to thank you and this website for shedding some light in my life. Before I found this website, I was a real mess. I have some questions, and if you can help me a bit, that'd be greatly appreciated.
My ex wanted to break up with me 3weeks ago from 3year relationship. At that time, we were sort of living together, so I had to stay together for next 10days because of my commute, job…etc. Eventually, I had realized that I can not live like this, so I basically disappeared when she was out of town. Obviously, during those 10 days I made many mistakes mentioned on this site, and also we had sex few times despite of her strong determination to break-up. It’s not that I forced her, but I have to admit I’m the one started the move out of desperation. Each time, I felt horrible, and she felt horrible. And after I moved out of her apartment, she texted me how sad she is and I ignored that for few days. But I decided to stop by her apartment to talk one night. That was before I found this website, and I didn’t know any better. I made more mistakes at that time, and ended up having sex feeling horrible again. I texted her few times after that night, but there is no response. My question is that I’m not sure if I destroyed any chance of getting back together by having physical connection with her during the break-up…. Also I’m not even sure if I’m at the death-door stage or indifferent stage…. I’m on 5th day of NC and hoping there is still a chance. I know it sounds ridiculous… but any advise would help me at this point.
Thank you so much,
yk
Hey,
I don't think you did too much damage. You are in the drift stage. However, I'll recommend you do one month of no contact before using the tactics in relationship rewind.
Thanks for your response Kevin,
That gives me a little hope. So you’d recommend to go relationship rewind tactics over handwritten letter you recommend on this site to reach out for the first time?
YK,
I recommend the hand written letter to get back in touch (depending on your situation). It's very effective if your ex is refusing to reply to you. Or if you've made those mistakes after the breakup. Once you are back in touch, use RR tactics to establish friendship and create attraction.
hello kevin,
i am 20 and my ex is 21..we broke up quite long ago around one year back after 1 year of strong and happy relationship, due to some family issues and few misunderstandings..
he blocked me from every social site...being very clear i tried chasing him for few months but then left him to realize about all that happened..he calls me up sometime and we talk very normally,,sometimes when he feel low he prefer talking to me as a friend..
every time he asks me to meet something or the other happens and the plan fails..
we recently met due to a mutual friend who came to meet all of us but we both didn't talk..
he has now unblocked me from everywhere and randomly calls me someday..
i want him back..please help! (we were friends from past 3 years..)
Hey Vernoica,
If there hasn't been a period of no contact till now, you should do it for one month. You should start making some positive changes in your life. After no contact is over, get back in touch with him and then eventually ask him out. Don't be available to him all the time.
I was so depressed when my ex want to end our relationship , i felt empty and lost for a while. It has been 22 days since we became not friend and not even a lover..somewhat like ex = sex ..... this relationship is killing me, I was badly wounded by my ex after 7 year of knowing each other,in the end he treat me with no respect toward my feeling. I hate myself for failing over and over for this stupid friend with benefit relationship. I was about to making a choice of moving on ,and i saw this post. Right after my comment i will start a NO CONTACT with him. I love him and i wish he can think about me during NC time...
Kevin, I am doing limited contact as you suggested. But I had to email him about something I promised to update him about earlier, and he responded thanks for the note, and that he should pass me back his keys to my apartment and there was a bill for my car. I said I'll write him a check, how does he want to do the exchange? No reply for 2 days. I emailed him to ask if the bill mentioned anything about smog check, since my car is due for it this year. He replied immediately saying yes, and that I need to bring the notice to the station, he will pass me the notice as well. I simply replied, got it, thanks! But there is no indication of how he is going to pass me the things. Do I wait for him to respond with how he wants to pass me everything, or see if things come through the mail? He is a passive person with regards to making plans. Should I email back to ask, should we meet up somewhere? But I don't want to exhibit too much push behavior, or appear anxious. I am also getting quite annoyed at how cold/passive he is acting, and am slowly losing hope for my situation. Thank you.
A part of me is thinking if the way I was cool about the keys is giving him second thoughts, hence the lag in reply? Or am I just fantasizing and having too much hope for him?
What you said might be true. But there's no point thinking too much about it. I think you should just wait a couple of days and ask him again. It won't seem pushy because you are doing it to get your things and you need them. So, don't worry about it.
To be honest, Kevin, I don't even know if I should be trying to get back with him anymore. We dated for 8.5 years (our first 3 was LDR), and it feels like he was unhappy for at least a few months. He started saying he felt numb since more than 6 months ago, and every time we fought he told himself that he will break up with me next time we fought. He is such a stubborn man, and I think he has a victimized mindset, and thinks he has already done what was reasonable for the relationship.
It's been 2 months since he left, and now he is even colder to me than before I did the NC. I finished NC 3.5 weeks ago, and he doesn't even contact me unless I contact him first. He was willing to meet up that one time, but so much emotional distance. This week he removed me from his work calendar that he was sharing with me, but I still have access to his personal one (which doesn't have that much stuff).
I know I shouldn't try to figure out what he's thinking, but everyone is telling me that he took me for granted before, and he doesn't like to talk about our relationship to anyone, even his own parents. He is such a closed door. Moreover, our social circles don't have to overlap if we don't want it to (all our friends are busy with work, and there is no obligation to invite both of us to events, if any).
But on the other hand, just before we broke up, he was doing some really sweet things for me, and even suggested, after a huge fight, to try to work things out (with weekly evaluations etc) for a month before we should decide to break up over our problems (which he did, since we argued one week into our month-long trial period).
I know I need to be patient, and I want, not need, him because we have something special together (we encourage each other to achieve bigger things, and we have the same goals in life, and people say we are really good together). And I am willing to fight for that. But I am really angry/disheartened by his behavior, and just don't know if I'm trying to hold on to a lost cause.
I am trying to keep my heart open to other possibilities as well, but keeping the door open for this one is giving so much grief, and effort in getting friends together.
A good friend said that a man wouldn't walk away unless he was really unhappy for a long time and doesn't see a point in making things work anymore. =(
Do you have any opinion on this? Thank you... sorry for the rant.
Hey Natalie,
I know how you feel and I think you are moving in the right direction. I don't know what will happen and whether or not he will come back, but it's good to hear that you are considering other options. Letting go of a 8.5 years relationship is an extremely hard decision to make. And no one can make it for you except you.
I think you should do NC one more time. This time, make it a little longer. This will give you some time to think things through, and perhaps he will become a little less stubborn as well. If after NC, he is still cold, maybe you will be able to finally decide to let him go.
Thanks Kevin. I had the same thought after I calmed down last night. I will give him a few more weeks to heal, and for myself to work through my hurt feelings. I know that I will not give up the chance to fight though, and I will only stop when I leave the country in 7 months. A good friend of ours is coming to town next week and will hopefully be able to talk to him. Because of graduation and social events, we will probably meet over the weekends of the next 2 weeks, but I will try to be impersonal, and not talk about anything personal, and mirror his behavior. I will be the fun person I always am. I don't know how things will go, but I might ask him out for coffee once or twice after that, and judge it from there. I know we need to relearn how to have fun together, but it really depends on how receptive he is.
Kevin, in your email series, you mentioned the 'bad memories healing' and 'missing you badly' cases. I just looked through our communications since I last ended NC 3 weeks ago, and I noticed that his replies were polite but pretty impersonal. Sometimes there was some response about how he felt about certain events (which mostly did not involve us, or just that it was awkward at dinner cos our friends seated us together). And the hot/cold behavior during the friends' gathering. If he doesn't contact me voluntarily, is that an indication that he doesn't miss me at all? I see him 'liking' some girls' photos, which he usually wouldn't (those girls would normally make me jealous), or checking in to places (which he never does), a few hours after I posted photos about some fun activity that I am doing.
Do you have any suggestions/metric by which we can evaluate which phase he is in?
Thank you for your help so far!
I think it depends on the length of the relationship amongst other factors. It's not always possible to put a formulaic approach to relationship. I guess you can look for signs, but deciphering signs of an ex can be a really emotionally and intellectually overwhelming task.
Kevin, I think I will let him go and accept that he is gone. If he decides to forgive me, and decides that I am right for him, fate will bring us together. I will live my life happy by myself, and continue to be his friend. As I said before, our lives don't really have to overlap anymore if he doesn't want it to, so I'm not sure if anything will happen in the next few months. It is scary to look ahead, but it is the only way now. People say some couples get back together a few years later, but it's too far in the future, and I just don't have the emotional energy anymore. Step 3 of RR also seems too intentional for my personality, and I just don't know if it will work with an intelligent and stubborn man like him. I almost sank into depression this weekend, and it's just too much to handle. Maybe it's true that we can't give each other what we want. It's frightening to imagine that I can find someone like him, but who knows. It's just too bad this was both our first relationships, and we made so many mistakes. Thanks for your help over the past few weeks..
And Kevin, i wasnt ble to receive your June 5 advice. E3
Hi, Kevin
For the past four consecutive dys I have been feeling so good about myself. I'm no longer depressed, no longer dreaming of her, no longer scared if she's with someone else, no longer losing my appetite. Up until the point I don't feel like wanting her back. I am enjoying my freedom right now and it's only now that I can say being single is good. But now, i dont know if it's some kind of hormonal imbalance, i crave for her again. Just when i thought i have moved on, is this normal?
And yes I do the NC because i want her back and i want to make the slate clean, but im afraid because im somehow enjoying my single state. I dont know if i will be out of momentum again if ever we get each other back. And if ever we get each other back, i dont know where to start. I mean, we might fight for the flings we had during the breakup stage. So?
Thanks!
Hey,
What you are feeling is completely normal. Our minds try to hold on to loved ones and the craving is a result of that. Don't act on it. It'll go away. As for the fighting, well, the best thing to do is learn some communication skills during this NC. Fighting always starts with a disagreement, and disagreements can easily be resolved with proper communications. I highly recommend the book "Non violent communications" by Marshall Rosenberg, if you want to learn some very effective communication tactics.
Hey Kevin!
Thanks, i'll download one soon. Last time i have been feeling okay alone and independent and I no longer want her back. Then lately i felt that I crave for her again and I would like to beg her to come back. Is this feeling normal?
I'm afraid if i do the NC rule then suddenly my hormones would act up crazy again and miss her so bad that I would mess up the NC.
I ask her if i shall stop pushing my luck onto her. Because one time she's hot then will suddenly go cold. She said she doesnt want to stop the friendship. I told her to just stop contact and she said NO.
I'm tired of her silly mind games, what do you think her actions is trying to tell me? Shedoesnt want us to stop contact w each other but she is still sure that she doesnt want me back. Help!
Hey RAED,
Yes, it's normal. It's the withdrawal symptoms. You will soon start feeling better and more stable. Stop trying to figure out the meaning of her actions. She is confused and if you try to understand what she is thinking, you'll also get confused. Instead, start NC and concentrate on yourself. Do everything you can to make yourself happy.
Thanks, Kevin!
I have not gone straight of no contact period but somehow little by little I can see changes in myself. At times I am even thinking if I still want her back. And I have lots of plans for myself and friends and family for the years to come which I don't have any time to do before.
And gladly she isn't in any of those plans. But if she will be the one to ask me to come back, maybe i can fit her in.
The lesson that I have learned going through this break-up and moving on period is that I need to have plans for myself and when someone comes, I'll just stick them in. Unlike before I cannot make any plans if I don't have a partner. That's why when she left, my plans are also gone with her.
So I've come into conclusion not to build your dreams around people or objects because it'll be gone sooner or later. My happiness should depend on me.
I hope I get it right. Thanks, Kevin! I know you're off for a while. I'll wait for you after the 23rd.
Hi Kevin,
I left you a comment, but I can't seem to find it.
Hey Trina,
I can't find it either. Please read the comments guidelines before posting.
Hey.. kevin is there a way to contact u personally?
Hey Dew,
Due to the overwhelming amount of people contacting me and commenting on the website, it's no longer possible for me to reply to emails. Sorry.
Its ok..anyways you're doing a great job. :-)
Kevin,
Im confused. I cant follow all the steps in relationship rewind. Like setting up a gig for a group. We are not so close to our respective groups. And it will be hard because we ate not always available. Although i i think i can set up some coffe pr movie dates pnce we are okay again. I guess i have to listen more to tour advices. But i also picked up useful tips and steps in relationship rewind i just cant implement everything.
Thanks kevin.
I hope she accepts me when i reach out
Even though I've tried to make a one size fits all guide over here (and so has Ryan), it will not apply to every situation. Relationships are complicated and it'll be next to impossible to have a guide that fits to every situation.
Kevin,
Thank you for being a great support. I would like to know if in my situation, since we didn't have a normal break up and our separation was due to circumstances would I be in the drift stage or death's door (since he's disappeared). Also, he agreed to keep some of my belongings with him the last time we spoke about few weeks ago, do you think that's a sign that he would want to see me again? Throughout the relationship he kept telling me 'I want 'us' to work and I don't ever want to lose you', do you think he still feels that way although we're apart? I must admit I feel stronger, I'm doing things to improve my life situation although in small steps and I am looking after myself so hopefully by the time I text in a month time I'll be strong enough so that if he ignores my text hopefully I would be in the stage of 'accepting we're not for each other'... But from your point of view do you think we have a chance together? thanks heaps
Hey Rihanna,
I think you are in drift. However, since he is going through depression, I don't think you can apply the tactics in the drift stage unless he is ready to start communicating.
When I check his 'last seen' on whatsapp he's on it everyday (but only once or twice maximum), so he is either going through old messages or talking to someone and even if it's briefly he is talking to someone it seems. In the beginning, I bombarded his brother with messages to ask about him and his brother kept telling me that he's not talking to anyone but I'm not sure I believe that. I haven't messaged him or his brother since May 22 but been updating my profile from time to time and I'm sure his brother would tell him any new news I post, but I keep checking his brother's facebook page to see how my ex is doing since he's gone cold with facebook as well (not that he was that active in the first place). I'm thinking of messaging him 6 July cos that's when we met and send him the 'something remind me of you' text but what is the best question to ask him to instigate a response other than 'how are you?' I'll ask him that as well, but I want to ask something he'll want to answer, should I mention something about the books I left behind? or maybe an advice of some sort? Thanks kevin
Hey Rihanna,
The book thing and advice both look like a good option.
hey Kevin my name is Leo Wright I use the NC rule for 30 day with my EX she found out I was cheated with my other EX that I left her for see we been dating for year but she said that we were never girlfriend and boyfriend and we never had sex I did say I wanted to wait for marriage but we would lay together naked i'm a man I want to have sex but push me away each long story short I cheated with my EX for sex after she said that she couldn't deal with this and more the day before she said I not her boyfriend WHAT DO I DO???
Do NC again, for at least 2-3 months. Why do you want to be with someone who wouldn't have sex with you? There are a lot of girls out there who will have sex with their boyfriends. Why don't you find someone who will?
Kevin, as soon as you reply on this comment ill contact her. What can you suggest to be my frst approach with her? I already sent her the letter suggested above beforw. You alsod told me to follow steps in drift but i think its not applicable to me because im the one to initiate friendship. Maybe the text suggested above? Just want your suggestion thanks. :)
Yes, use the text suggested above.
Kevin and Others,
I want to thank you all for helping me through all this! Early in Mar my ex gf broke up with me and I was confused. I wasn't sure what to do or was she. She did the whole I want you back approach and I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ignored it. I hanged out with her a few times in Mar and we had fun and I made mistakes which I said a while back in previous comments
I followed Kevin's NC guidelines and it does wonders. I went from a nervous, desperate, unattractive guy to a happier and confidant guy. I didn't follow Kevin's plan till late March and by the middle of April I changed into something better I've never been. I've lost 20 lbs, I'm eating a healthier diet, I'm taking much better care of myself even before I went out with her for almost 7 months.
I'm finally confident enough to contact her and see how she has been doing. She's been texting random questions lately so it seems the communication lines are open and she's not being cold by ignoring me. So for now I'm going to continue with my life and get back in touch with her and see how it goes from there. I'll going to hopefully ask her out for drinks or something in the coming week and this time I feel that things will be better and I won't be canceled on.
Even if I don't get her back or I just get her back as a friend. I'll be happy with whatever the result is. The other people that just broke up or have been for a while, I've read your stories and I can relate to them somewhat and I hope for the best. For a free service, Kevin does a lot for everyone of us and I appreciate everything he has done. His comments to everybody and his emails are amazing and are insightful.
Anyway, sorry for the long comment but thanks to everyone here and I wish the best for all of you and I'll hopefully return in the future with my new story.
-Chris
Cheers Chris! Waiting to hear from you! Good luck!!
Today is my 30th day of NC. I feel awesome. Im good to go. A bit neevous but i guess its part of the chase.
I plan to contact her on the 16th because that is 3month anniversary of our breakup.
Is it pretty good idea? Also i might have overlooked your reply on one of my recent posts. Cant see your reply.
Thanks kevin. Wish me luck! All the luck in the world. :)
Kevin,
I didnt receive a response from one of my recent posts. Its kind of long but not by much. Sorry, i just dont know if you have seen it or not. thanks. :)
I'm sorry guys but I think I'm out, I don't think I can do this anymore. I saw her today to tell her about this thing she loves doing but hasn't been able to find and I told her and I know she really wanted to do it because she always said she wanted to but she was just like nah, I'm not interested but thanks, it was just the way she said it. The only reason she said no was because it was me who told her about it and after that I just wanted some answers, an explanation for why she is being like that and all she would say was I don't care, leave me alone, and then I told her how I heard she started seeing a guy a week after we broke up and she said "yes I did" as if she was proud of it or something. And now I'm like fuck it, if she wants to be this prideful little bitch and is just trying to fucking hurt me then I'm done. I got home, went int to my weight room, wrapped my hands, put my gloves on and hit my bag for an hour and a half and I didn't stop until half my bag was red. I just don't think I can live like this anymore, I'd rather go back to the asshole I was before, go out and fuck an 8, 9, or 10 every week. maybe he was a piece of shit but at least he didn't feel like shit. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Right now all I want to do is go party, get drunk, go fight and get high. I want to get fucked up and stay that way until I just don't give a fuck anymore. I don't know what to do? For fucks sake I literally have blood, sweat and tears on my face right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.
*Comment Removed*
hey zach,
almost most of us have been there before,and i know it sucks.first of all you didn't act the way you were supposed to like kevin said below my post the other day and second of all it's your right to be happy and party and do whatever you want.she was the one who left you and you have all the rights in the world to act the way you like and put yourself before her.but you don't have to be disappointed .maybe you made it harder to get back but you can always find a way.these are all some effective psychologies that if you make an effort to do it right,you can probably increase your chances.i think they are always two types of people who can't get their exes back. the ones who are overacting in emotions and the ones who give up and feel disappointed so early.you need to be calm,even though you feel terrible right now but i think you can get over this.be happy and enjoy your life,take some more time to heal,and also give her some more space.you need to be a totally happy person without her,then you can handle everything the way you want.this time you can understand the phase better and choose the right way.trust me when she notices the new you she'll be wondering why your not interested in her anymore.anyways i know your gonna be fine.just don't make it any harder for yourself.
Thanks a-z,
I know I shouldn't have tried to talk to her after I informed her of the thing; but your right I did let my self go a little, not much, it was just a few questions. I guess it was the way she turned it down that got to me. I think for now the best thing for me to do is to find someone else and move on but at the very least I would like to be friends with her again one day. I'm also just a little worried about her, she is not a very self-confident person, I have yet to find out why but she just isn't, I worried she is gonna let some asshole take advantage of her and I know one will, my school is notoriously famous for it's sexual activeness. We have almost twice as many pregnancies a year as the other four schools combined. The guys there aren't really concerned with much other than getting there dicks wet, trust me on that one, I was kinda one of them but I was still better than most because I never fooled a girl into thinking anything I wasn't. I was straight up and honest with them and I was really surprised it worked the first time I tried it. But as for most of the guys there, they don't give a fuck, they will get a girl to love them and then sleep with them and when they get bored they drop them and find another or worse they don't drop them but still find another. I will say this ladies, and please don't take offense to this, but you girls can be pretty damn stupid when you have hearts and sparkles in your heads.
hi zach, i feel for you as we have all been there. i think what you need to do is restart NC. it sounds like you have been in contact with her. during NC, you must resist all temptation to interact with her at all. i also suggest taking her off any social media you might have friended her on so you are not tempted to peek and obsess. we all get obsessive after a breakup, but it isn't going to help you heal and focus on yourself. it sounds like you might do some NC but not focus on yourself (rather than on her).. so i would suggest doing this, and really just focusing on yourself. only when you feel you have stopped obsessing abut her and feel good about yourself do you make contact with her, as kevin suggests. this may be 1 month, this may be 2 or more months. give yourself the space you really need to get over things and work on yourself first.
I was just about to come on here and ask for an update to your story Zach. Read all of your comments and was wondering what was going on. I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't understand why my ex is so cold and indifferent either but I'm only on day 5 of NC. We just got back from an insanely expensive vacation and I also spent a ton of $ on gifts for her. But got dumped before I could even propose.
I know a lot of where I went wrong - insecurities and jealousy as a result of my first ex who had a string of affairs. I never fully resolved the fallout from that relationship. I'm praying that the advice Kevin offers will give me a chance. But she's so cold, like I never even existed in her life at all. Pictures from our trip a few weeks back show a happy couple. And then to come to this a short time later.
I was angry at God too when my 13 year relationship with my first ex ended in infidelity. I told him to just fucking kill me you sob etc. I really lost it. And although I'm not very religious, my life has been a curse ever since. It's like the universe finds ways of providing elements of happiness only to snatch it away from me in a crushing way. I can't take much more either. I have everything I had to this new relationship and now I've nothing left to give.
I don't think this is the place for all of what you are doing. You are becoming almost offensive.
Hey Britt,
I sincerely apologize for saying those things, even angry I shouldn't have said them. In all honesty, I envy those with religion, to posses the faith to believe in something like that. I myself however do not posses the ability to do so, I have tried many time but couldn't find it. I have turned my attention to study some small portions of Buddhism, but only the ethical values it teaches and its teachings of mastering one's self. Perhaps if I can do that then I will at last find some measure of peace inside myself.
Hey Zach,
I am sorry it didn't work out for you. I really am. However, I want to warn you that getting drunk, fighting, or even getting high is not going to cure the pain. It's like putting bandage on a broken bone. Sure, it might make you forget the pain for a while. But it will not make it go away. If you want to party, go ahead, but don't overindulge in alcohol. It's the worst way to get over a breakup. If it becomes a habit, you won't even realize where the next 5-10 years of your life went.
Also, the fact that you feel like this right now means that you never really followed the plan. You never really finished the most important part of the no contact. During no contact, you have to accept the fact that your relationship is over and realize that even if you don't get your ex back, you'll be OK. It sure doesn't seem like you are OK with not getting her back in your life.
Strangely I feel better now, and I didn't ever go out and any do of that stuff I felt like doing, I only went to the gym and sparred with a couple people but that's it. I actually think for the most part that I am getting over her and I was just kinda angry at the time, I'm still working on emotional control and so I can still lose it a little but I calmed down and realized I wasn't so much as angry at not getting back together with her as I was at her for the way she treated me that day and how she tried to degrade whatever we had when we were together. More than anything I was angry at her for not even attempting to understand what I have lived with my whole life and will deal with until the day I die. The day I was diagnosed I was 8 years old and the doctor came out of his office and sat me down and told me straight up, he said "Zach, you have whats called bipolar disorder and ADHD, I know you don't understand what that means right now but I can tell you your life is not going to be an easy one, it's going to be hard and unfair and there will be days when you don't think you can take it anymore, you have to be strong now" I don't even remember my own 8th birthday party but I remember that day perfectly. He was right but now I'm getting stronger everyday.
I was in no contact with her for 32 days, it's strange because up until today I have thought about getting her back everyday, half the things I looked at reminded me of her, especially at first but no so much toward the end but it was still there, and today the only time she passed my mind was when my friends asked me how things were going between us and that's it. And the only reason I'm on here is because I left the window open on my computer. I still care about her no question but since this started I have seen a side of her that I hadn't seen before and I don't like it at all, I think maybe I ignored it because I thought it would go away if I got her back but not anymore. I can't be with someone who can be like that and I'm moving on, Because of you Kevin I woke up and spent the days improving myself and now I'm a happier person in general, I thank you for that. I'm going to finish getting the help with my bipolar that I should have gotten so long ago and then I'm going to find someone who is worth the time and makes me happy.
Zach,
I am glad that you somehow feel good now! It's really annoying to see that you have rough days lately. I'm sorry. Also, your view about religion is close to mine. This makes me feel that I have more common things with you.
About your sickness, I had a friend who had bipolar. He sometimes acted like you (you know what I mean) and felt comfortable after that but first of all, there were very few people who knew about it, not even his girlfriend probably until their relationship got serious. Secondly, he acted so cool that once a girlfriend of a mutual friend asked him for date and he simply won a girl who had already been taken by a much more good looking guy!!
I know that your pain was and is much deeper than mine. That is why, I recommend you more gym and even yoga! Also, I recommend you to search for sites regarding how to handle breakups! In short, they recommend avoiding anything that might remind you of them. In severe cases, simply change your town. Go to your grandparent's house for a week or more if you can.
Good luck my bro!!
Dara
Hey Dara,
It can be pretty rough at times and the best way I can describe it is that it's like a roller coaster, its all up and down with emotions. It can be awesome sometimes, when your at the top of that hill you are full of energy and nothing can touch you, but sooner or later just as the laws of physics dictate, what goes up must go down, and when I'm down I am usually an angry person, its different with everyone, but for me I get angry and sometimes I start to think I might turn green and grow ten times my size. But after the anger that's when the depression hits. But with proper medication, the effects can be lessened significantly, unfortunately I was and still am in the progress of medication changes. And as for the getting girls, its never been a problem, I not bragging and as you mentioned your friend stealing a girl, that's what I did with her. I think the reason why we can do that is because as Kevin mentions several times, confidence is key and its hard to compete with a bipolar high, your as confident as they come, however meds also reduce the high and that kinda stinks but its necessary because too high can become manic and that can be dangerous to someone, because when you feel like nothing can touch you long enough and if its high enough then a person can start to believe it they do thinks that get them killed. And once again I am feeling great today. So that is good, I hope everyone else has more success than I did.
That's great Zach. Good luck. :)
Hey Zach,
Thank you for sharing us your secret. I should say that my younger brother also had some kind of mild bipolar. Almost everyone around knew that he has some kind of mental disorder, but he displayed it so cool that most of girls around would fall in love with him. I know that he dated sexiest girls of his school.
By reading the style you use in your comments to express your feelings, I can say that you are an intelligent person. Why don't you channel your intelligence, knowledge and energy into something useful? Girls terribly love men who are strong, intelligent, daring and successful. Ideally, this kind of man is hard to find but you can try to be one. Go for it my younger bro!!
Best of luck!
Dara
Hi Everyone,
It’s been pretty nice having so many people that understand what were all going through and with everyone being so supportive of each other, it makes things so much easier. I am grateful to everyone who has commented on my post, you guys helped me out of some dark places, so thank you. I’d like to say its been fun guys but that would be a lie hahaha, I’m just happy I am moving past this time in my life. That being said I am still glad I have had the opportunity to talk to you guys, I hope the best for all of you. Kevin, its been great and I thank you so much for your help through this but I can honestly say I hope I never need your help again hahaha.
P.S. One last thing everyone, whenever you feel as if things are at their worst, just remember, when everything is dark and cold, even if you can’t see it, always know the sun is just over the horizon. So no matter how long the night last, the sun will rise again.
If you have ever watched the sun rise, than you know what it feels like to be kissed by the rays of the sun, those first few beams of light that run down your face, to be engulfed by that warmth that envelopes your entire body…its waiting for you!!!
“It’s always darkest just before the dawn”
Good Luck, and Goodbye.
Hey ! I read your blog and I find it interesting. My girlfriend studies and I am a musicianI travel the world playing music and she is stuck to her studies..we recently broke up because she told me that I expect too much from her,and that she is tired of waiting for me to get more independant..she also told me she doesnt approve of the way I "live" ..dont know what ever that means..I also said I was going to learn german as thats where I live and met her, and I havent because I didnt have time inbetween my music and gigs. She also told me I am unpresentble when I go with her to see her family and that she wants a man that has the same or equal education to what she has. She also told me that I needed to be more flexible and easy going and that she had warned me times before that she didnt like my character in that sense..She was my world, pretty much the only normal thing in my life. What she told me broke my heart, I did just about all the mistakes mentioned from the above. I only came across this article after doing all the wrong things.. over texting over e mailing.. i sent post cards from my last gig in canada. I even sent flowers worth about 100 euros to her house. I apologised profusely but I guess she felt I expected her to be like "ok I forgive you" but she wasnt..so then she said more hurtful things and I guess I might of said some things back. We dated for a year and half..everything was cool but she flipped out on me 3 weeks ago.. 2 days before mothers day on the friday before M day..because we had an arguement over her not letting me know she was still gona be with her mom for that friday night, ( I also live 1 hour outside the city so I had to travel by train to the city for her to have not informed me to not come or save me any wasted time ) We loved eachother like all couples, She says she is tired of waiting for me to get my german school studies together, and that she shares no common ground with me anymore..and that I dont give positive energy..what else did she say? hmmm.. oh ya that she doesnt see any thing good from being together with me in a relationship in future. Then she told me a week later she just needs time...so we agreed on a no contact thing for 30 days..but somehow I feel i messed it up too much and my chances are now completely ruined.. she says she still has feelings for me but not in a relationship way, she says she doesnt share any intimacy attraction to me anymore , her friends dont like me her mom and sister dont like me. But i dont get why she spent 1 year and 6 months with me for this to all be wasted.. for her to just give it up,, Im 29 and she is 24 years old.. I even told her when we got together that I thought she was too young for me and she will probably get tired of me and want some german guy with his combed hair and smart suit clean cut type with the same education as her. I almost predicted the outcome in a sense..I also felt a bit alienated in a different country living there..and being around her and her friends and not speaking any german didnt help me feel any more confident or comfortable...and she always told me I was different and liked me for that and the way I was. she told me I was her first love..also she told me she loves me first I never pulled any moves to take things to that level. But now I have grown fond of her and in love back at her and now she has in a sense given up on me.. she told me her heart isnt into it anymore, and she doesnt want a relationship with me..
But in the same way she also goes asking about me to my friends behind my back to see how and what im doing..and saying she feels emotional attachemt to me still.
Any advice kevin? you would be a real life saver! I told my girlfriend I would be better and change and get more motivated etc.. but she says she doesnt feel like in her gut she can belive me anymore..im really sad.. I have had about all the insomnia stress anxiety a man can handle.
Thanks in advance if you have a moment to reply Kevin!
cheers
J
Hey,
It makes sense she doesn't believe you. Everyone promises to change after they've been dumped. And very few of them actually make the changes when their ex takes back. Instead of telling her you'll change, do NC and make the changes, and let her see it for herself.
Hey Kevin,
I sent you a couple of comments in the past couple of weeks and have not seen a response to either. Is there anyway I could still get a response? Also, just wanted to let you know how motivating and useful your daily emails are! I am in day 3 of my 2nd stint of NC and feeling great this time around already. Thanks.
Trevor
Trevor,
I replied to you here and here.
Kevin,
I think i have reached the right mindset. I not craving for her. I dont mias her that much. I dont gl crazy on her. On short im not asddicted. I have also mentioned that there are times that i feel so great and forget her. This is how i feel now. I want her back because she is a great woman. She is pretty, have good values and good family, though our relationship had issues that is caused by her. I beleive it can be resolved and changed. Is thia my go signal? I feel so good for myself i cant help taking slefies. But i dont upload them lol. I also feel like i look good more than ever.
Is this my go signal to reconnect with her? Thanks kevin you are a great help to everyone. Thankyou for getting me out of the desperate and chasing situation. You made me realiE how important NC is. Now i can go pn with my life even without her though i will regret letting her go but its okay. Thankyou so mch. :)
If you feel ready, then you are ready. All the best. :)
Hi, I'm 30 and my ex is 34. We dated long distance for a little over 2.5 years when he broke up with me. We had been fighting on and off for a few months. And after each fight he would ask for some time and space but I kept texting and calling him. He finally had enough this last fight and said that I didn't really care about him or love him. I only cares about my own feelings because I couldn't do what he asked for one time. He wouldn't have a conversation with me he just kept yelling and saying things like he didn't love me anymore and never wanted to be with me again. I asked him what I could do to even try to salvage the relationship and he said to give him 3 months with no contact, and at 3 months we could talk to see if it looked like I was making changes to be the same girl he fell in love with. He said it didn't mean that we would get back together but he wanted to see if I could finally do what he asked and make the changes I kept saying I would make. I agreed even though he said I wouldn't even make it 1 week. When I asked him if he would date during this time he said no because he needed 3 months just to heal.
I left my belongings there to pick up at a later time which was his idea. I found out that he paid for a membership to the same dating site that we had met on the same night we broke up. I was even more heart broken when I found that out. I don't understand because of what he said about not dating during these 3 months. I am his first girlfriend. We had plans to move in together and get married.
Not even a week later I emailed him to let him know that I thought I was pregnant. Well it ended up that I wasn't but I never heard anything back from him. I worry he thought it was a ploy to contact him. I apologized for contacting him and said I should've waited to contact him about it until it was confirmed. Then I wrote that I would give him his 3 months of no contact because I want to show him that I do care about him and love him. I've started going to a therapist to work on myself.
I don't know what to think though. His family use to want us to be together but now I think they don't but I don't really know. Do we really have a chance at getting back together?
You have a chance Jenny. Give him the 3 months and if possible, extend it to 4 months. Make positive changes in your life and don't pressure him into getting back together when the months are over.
Thanks Kevin. Do I need to worry at all that he paid for a membership to join the same dating site that we met on (the site is meant to match up people based on compatibility with the intention of finding the person you will marry)? I worry he is going to find someone on there sooner than the 3 or 4 months of no contact. He was really angry and hurt the last time I saw him (when he broke up with me). I have no desire to date. I am trying to focus on getting myself to a place where I will be happy with or without him.
Also, he forwarded the emails I had sent him about thinking I was pregnant but then it turned out that I wasn't to his mother and sister. They think I was lying and just trying to manipulate him into getting back together. But if I was trying to manipulate him then wouldn't I have kept up the supposed facade for longer than a few hours??? But he is going to listen to them because they are his family. He and I had had a conversation awhile back about how faking a pregnancy is so wrong to do and he even told me that he knew I wouldn't do that to him. Especially because his sister had a really bad miscarriage years ago. I've never lied to him, and we didn't have any trust issues in the relationship. I worry that there really isn't a chance. When I was able to chill out and not take my stress out on him we were great - people often were surprised to find out when we were fighting and now broken up. My mom kept telling me to not push him because one day he was going to reach a point where he would be too hurt to stick around even if he did still love me. Do I still have a chance even with the 3-4 months of NC?
Yes, there's still chance. There's also a chance that he might move on, but it's less. If he decides to get married with someone just because he is angry at you, then he is probably going to end up having a bad divorce. And there's nothing you can do to prevent it. So, there's no point thinking about it. As for the pregnancy thing, you've already told him what happened. If you don't contact him anymore during the upcoming months, he is going to realize that you were probably telling the truth.
Thanks Kevin. I'm going to do the NC for the next 3-4 months. Meanwhile I'm going to therapy to work on my own issues to make myself better and happy. Thank you again! I'll update in the future as it requires.
Kevin,
I want to share this with you. There are times that i feel so so great that i almost forget about her. But then i pause and think about her. Is it my fear of moving on? And letting go of her? Im not sure. Sometimes i also feel that i wish she was with me so i can share my happiness with her. Im not sure about what im feeling. Thankyou kevin.
It's very normal. You should continue no contact for another month. As long as you are confused about what you want, you should continue no contact.
Kevib,
Whats worse? Drift or deaths door? Drift indicates that she is indifferent. While deaths door is a phase where its hard to come back from. And the name itself is scary.
Death's door is harder to come back from. Drift is a little easier.
Hey Kevin
I have so much to tell ! but I will try to keep it short, I promise. So I went to Toronto this past weekend and I met up with my ex for lunch which was really good, I was confident and happy and it was like nothing had ever changed. He was all over me, kissing me and holding my hand and stuff but when we got in the car he asked me to sleep with him and I said no, I only sleep with my boyfriends and he said well we cant date which was disappointing but I tried not to let it get to me in front of him. He asked me if I was confused and I said yes and he said "me too". He drove me back to the hotel and stayed a bit while I got ready for a concert that we were both going to, me with my friend and he with his. He was all over me at the hotel as well, and he hugged me for a long time and said he missed me. Then he left to go get ready and pick up his friend and my friend and I left to take public transportation to the concert. So here is where it gets bad and I thought I totally blew it. I unintentionally got super hammered at this concert in front of my ex. I had no idea that I would get that drunk and I was somewhat out of control. My ex went to go get some cash and his friend started telling me that now my ex was trying to go for my friend and that he used me for the entire relationship. Now previously while me ex and I were together he had told me that this particular friend got a kick out of starting trouble and being a shit disturber and that I shouldn't listen to him. But of course, I was very drunk so I believed it and I talked to my ex about it in somewhat of a panic and he got pretty upset with me for believing it and with his friend for saying it and I thought for sure I ruined this whole plan and that it was over. But my friend talked to him and said something about how it was part of my ex's friends plan to get with her or something. It was all very dramatic. But anyways, my ex let it go and danced with me the whole night and we spent the night all over each other. I texted him the next morning and said I was sorry that I acted like that and thank you for the good time, and he said no problem hun I'm glad I got to see you. When I asked if he had a good time he said yes, it was amazing. Since then we have texted back and forth a bit but not too much, I don't want to bug him. What do I do now, just wait? what if he never says anything? Do you think I ruined it all? I dont really know where to go from here now. Can I please have your advice?
Thank you so much Kevin
Hey,
I don't think you ruined it all but you would've been wise to control your drinking while you were with your ex. Regardless, You should stay in touch with him, but back off for a while ( a few days). Plan another trip after a week or two.
okay thanks ! I already have another trip planned for about 3 weeks from now. It is just very frustrating! on one hand I have "no I will not do long distance again, you are like one of my buddies" and then on the other it's "you're beautiful and I still love you and I regret breaking up with you". I have no idea what he wants from me, I am getting very mixed signals. I really don't like being his friend, I want to be his girlfriend or nothing, know what I mean? I just really hope this is going somewhere (although I know if it doesn't, I will be okay)
I know Jaici, that's why you are on this website. You should take things slow for a while. If he doesn't make a move, you should give him an ultimatum. Commit or you move on. I recommend that you set a time limit for yourself (3-4 months) and if he doesn't commit till that time, give the ultimatum and mean it.
Should I wait 3-4 months from now or from when I started this whole plan ?
Just wanted to say thanks for all your advice. I asked my ex to meet up and he agreed (we are meeting for lunch during the work week which is probably a good thing for the first meeting, right? - short and sweet). I think it was all your advice working.. the NC period had him missing me in his life (he mentioned something about hoping I would contact him), then my initial contact after NC in which I mentioned that I agreed that the relationship needed to end (and I meant it - I was thinking of the old one we had, and it did need to end.. and am now thinking of anything we start as being new and better). To anyone reading this, I think this part is crucial because even though we have been in touch, it keeps him from thinking I am trying to get back together when I send him emails and texts, and then asked him to hang out. I think if I hadn't, he might be more hesitant or suspicious about agreeing to meeting up. The NC period also allowed me to feel better about the breakup and work on myself - I don't feel like I "need" him and am content right now with being single again. I plan to go into all of this sussing him out and sussing out how we interact in person and whether getting back together again is even something I want anymore. It will depend on our interaction when we meet. I don't feel like I am attached to the outcome of us getting back together. Thanks for all your support, Kevin!
Hey Ruth,
That's great. I love your attitude and this is exactly the type of attitude I recommend people to reach before ending no contact. All the best.
Thanks, Kevin! I read some others' comments and I can see they are at an earlier stage (not dependent on time passed, but where their head is at).. and I can recognize those same feelings I may have had too. You really do need to make sure you are at a good enough place about yourself and your own life without your ex before you can pursue a new relationship with them, or even decide if that is what you really want. You cannot do NC as a formality and still be obsessing over them or just counting the days until you can contact them again (which I admit I was - I should have truthfully done NC longer). However, the email and texting time frame has been longer than I originally wanted (about 2 weeks now) which is good because it bought me more time before I see him in person, and more time means even more healing time for me.
I don't "need" my ex anymore, but if the opportunity arises to get back together and all other factors are good when we meet up, then I plan to take it slowly and let things unfold naturally. I don't want the old relationship, but I want to start over - and that includes seeing whether things can work out between us. The reason I am open to starting over with him is that I think we are a good fit, and the issues we had can be improved, so I see the potential - but I won't really know for sure until we meet and I see how we interact with each other. Anyway, thanks, and good luck to everyone!
Also, I plan to date other people while I am hanging out with him (and dating him? I'll see how it goes when we meet). I am going to take it really slow and not jump in so quickly.
Sounds good to me. I am sure you are going to do great. :)
All that said, it turns out I am meeting him tomorrow now and I am really nervous about it. :/
We have an event coming soon where we will both be present. Should I just try to talk to her there in person? I was thinking probably just small talk unless she really opens up and seems warm to me. But it would just kill me inside if she responded coldly (or if she brought a date). So the text messages may have to wait. Does this seem like a solid plan?
Sorry to ask for so much advice; but this is really important to me. I'm really picky with my women (not for looks but for personality and such) and I've never talked to any girl before her that honestly had everything I was looking for. I really don't want to screw this up.
One more question. So the plan that you give first of all was very helpful. However, I have an issue. I want to show her the things that I want to work on for myself so that I can make whomever I date much happier. But I can't show her these things unless we go on dates. For example, I never wanted to schedule events with her far in the future because I wasn't sure how my schedule would work. It made her feel unimportant. How do I show her these things?
Hey D,
It does sound like a good plan. When you start hanging out with her, it will almost be like you are dating. At that time, she will realize those things herself.
How many emails will i get? I think i might contact her after receiving the last email.
Should i text her of "something remind me of" message? Or wish her goodluck because her dentistry proper classes will start soon? Or should i put it as one message?
Also if ever i establish contact or i meet her, I think she will not open up to me yet. The probable scenario is me doing the talking. Should i ask her about her? Though she might give minimal answer or not answer it at all. Or should i talk about me? As much as possible i dont want to talk about me without her asking. And i want her to notice the change instead of me saying it.
Is it also okay if i compliment her first on our first meeting like "wow you look amaZing"? Is it okay?
Another thing, not sure if you read it. But when she broke up with me. She said
She want space, time, and insependence. She feels incomplete because she feels like she doesnt know herself anymore like she has no self identity and she doesnt want us to be dependent on each other." Now i know that while im healing she also is healing. What if she says that she is happy now even without me and that she doesnt need me? Do i still get a chance? It seems that shes so eager to prove to herself that se can live alone and without me.
Will thrilling and exciting memories be effective?Because thats what we have a lot.
Actually i accidentally texted her reminder texts before. She seems to be responding if i text her that but that was way before i started nc. I also read in textyourexback that these messages are only effective if you have performed NC.
I plan to take it slow in my situation. U think its wise to make her beleive that i have moved on and gave up the chase? Just be friends first so i can open communication and comfort to the point where she reaches out to me also. So i can drop the "bombs" which will hopefully escalate me to the next level.
What do u think about this kev?
Thanks dor the response. :)
Although i have other big problems. I try yo stay confident and juat accept them and accept myslef insteas of being depressed over them. Thankyou so much. :)
Kevin, I'm a bit confused. I read this entire article and began following it closely, and I was pretty confident in it. I signed up for your daily e-mails and today you sent one with a link to Ryan's Relationship Rewind program. I opened it, checked the whole thing out, and became confused really soon because he actually warns against the no-contact rule. He goes to describe it as:
"The now obsolete, but common belief that you should cut off all communication with your ex-partner to get them back, meanwhile ‘praying’ behind the scenes that they do come back to you. This has a very mild effect of making your partner feel as if they miss you. However, since it does not handle the ‘real reason’ for the breakup in the first place, it won’t work in the long term."
I really care about this woman and that's why I'm looking for help. I don't want to do anything that slims my chances of getting her back. Please clarify things for me a little bit because NC is the core concept of this article during the immediate time following the break-up, which is where I am right now. Thank you!
Hey John,
I know it's a little confusing. Actually, Ryan does recommend no contact if you are in the death's door stage. However, I recommend no contact even if you are in drift stage. And then use the tactics in relationship rewind to get back in touch and build attraction. The reason I recommend no contact is not because it'll fix things magically but because it'll give you time to regain your composure and realize whether or not getting back together is a good idea.
Hey Kevin & everyone,
I'm in a sticky situation and not sure whether to use No Contact or not. My guy and I were in the regretful predicament of starting a relationship while we were both married. Now the cat's out of the bag, and we have both separated from our spouses. Our connection has always been fantastic, but since we've separated from our respective spouses, things have been shaky. There's a lot of guilt and drama going on with both our spouses. We've been having long deep phone conversations and texting regularly throughout the whole ordeal, but my guy is not comfortable seeing me in person right now. He has not asked for time or space, but he's very clear about not seeing each other in person at the moment. His concern is that his wife will find out and be more hurt. I've played it cool and pretended to agree with him. This behavior seems like a flag, and I don't want to lose him. Should I treat his distance like a breakup and proceed with No Contact? I want to have a real relationship with this man, and I want to do it the right way. Perhaps No Contact will give both of us time to sort out what we want? Or do you think I should continue to talk to him regularly and just give it time?
Don't treat it like a breakup. But yes, some time and space will help you both. You should discuss it with him before starting no contact though.
Hi Kevin,
I posted a comment/emailed you on the 31 of May and haven't heard back from you. Can't find any respond. Shall I try again? It is very important to me….
Alicia,
Your comment is here.
This sort of thing does not always work
That's the first thing I say in the article.
Hi Kevin,
My gf just told me she getting her own place with my daughter. I havent contact her about anything unless its about my daughter. She's been texting me everyday about her stuff, money, xbox and how my daughter doing when shes with me. I been polite and nice to her when she text about my daughter. She texted me today saying she is happy with her life and she doesnt need anyone to interrupt her and my daughter. But at the same time she is still dating her bf of 3-4 months. My friends did tell me she put her instagram on public now and once and awhile she put it back to private. Not to sure what she is doing. But i do miss her a lot. Sometimes i even ignore her text when its not about my daughter. And sometimes she will try to argue and start a fight for dumb reasons. What should i do from here Kevin?
OK, things are improving. I think you should continue like this for another month or two. Then start talking to her more. Not just about your daughter. And then eventually ask her to hang out.
Good Morning Kevin,
Today she told me that she is making spare ribs which are my favorite and she knows that from the time we were together. She said there will be leftovers and asked if i wanted some when i pick up my daughter on Sunday. I didn't reply right away. I waited a couple of hours and replied " Okay, Thanks!" Do you think she is really happy with her life as in her new bf. And she is moving to her own place. Which i know her bf will be there all the time when i have my daughter. lol. Should i just let it be and leave it alone when deep down i know i cant control what she does with her new. Thank you Kevin.
Leave it alone for a couple of months. Then start talking and flirting with her.
Hi Kevin,
Last question my ex gf keep asking about her money that i owe her. I do pay her every month until this day. You think she is just using it as a excuse to text me or she just want her money back. She said that just pay me already so she wont have to deal with me anymore. What do you think about that? Thank you.
It's hard to say. Doesn't really matter though.
Kevin,
I am 25 and shes 23. Me and my ex girlfriend were together for 1.5 years. We broke up about 4 month ago. This relationship was also a long distance relationship. and i am my ex's first (not sure if this part is relevant at all).
The relationship was going really good until her mom had a problem with it and she basically wanted to take a break. During that time she asked us to talk less and asked us to discontinue Skype. At first i didn't know the reason behind it and i couldn't fathom why. I started being pushy rather then give her space. I eventually broke up with her because i felt like the relationship was dying. Post break we tried to remain friends and we sent each other text every other day to every other week and at times shes told me she missed me. i guess this sent me a lot of mixed signals and made me feel guilty that i was pushy and ended things too early and asked her if she wants to get back together. She told me no and shes use to the idea of being single now and shes done with relationships for a while. She said right after the break up she really wanted to get back together and wish i had called but since i never did she gave up. I asked her i got the vibe that you wanted to be together again and she said i wasn't wrong but i just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. I tried this twice both time she gave me an no and asked if we could remain friends. I told her the idea of remaining friends is too hard at the moment and i need some time. So i basically started the no contact period. Two days immediately after i told her i needed time she emailed me and sent me texts to ask me simple questions like how to make a mixed liquor drink. I answered but told her i needed time.
After this time we haven't spoken for 2 weeks and i decided to send her a congrats on her graduation which she never responded to. I then resumed no contact for a month. About a few days after the month i wrote her the letter that was in the 5 step plan but the day after she sent me a text saying sorry to bother you but she had her school mail her diploma to my house and if she could get it back and a package for me arrived at her house and asked how she should ship it to me. i responded and tried to continue with small chitchat through meaningful text which she just gave one word answers for. I didn't see the point in keep trying so after her last reply i didn't text her again for a several days. I sent her a text again but this time she responded with more than one word. i would say it was all around an positive response. she didn't ask me any open ended question in return she basically just replied me with a statement. i tried to continue the conversation then she didn't reply and i haven't talked to her since. She usually takes more than an hour to respond to me and same with me between all these texts.
I'm sure the letter still hasn't arrived at her house yet since it was mailed only last Friday. i didn't FedEx it or ups it was just through standard mail.
I guess my question is should i continue no contact? And is the letter important anymore? since i mailed it at the same time we started engaging in conversation again? how do i know if she got the mail if she never responds to it? and finally what are my chances of getting back with her?
You should continue no contact for another week, unless she contacts you again. Yes, the letter will still do it's job. The only thing I can say is that you do have a chance. But if things don't work out this time, you should move on.
Hey Kevin,
I did no contact for another week and afterwards we got into contact with each other and she asked me isn't it weird that I am contacting her again after such a long time. She went on to say I originally broke up with her then said I'll remain friends then changed my mind. Then i did it again because we couldn't get back together. Then finally a month of no contact and now i am contacting her again. She says she doesn't want to go through the same thing again. My response was basically what i had said to her in my mail. I told her i am not mad nor do i disagree with her choice of not wanting to get back together. I just needed time to heal. My intention was never to not talk to you again and i was sorry for putting her through all that. Afterwards she said i am not bothered by you contacting me but it will take time. I have sent her few texts since then, which she sometimes responds and sometimes don't. Even though she says shes she is extremely busy we usually chat for a few minutes then i let her go. I know she is extremely busy during this summer. She has two summer classes and studying for all 4 of her CPA exam. However, through out these three weeks i have been the one to always initiate conversations. She will always pick up my phone calls but probably respond to only 75% of my texts. I'm guessing shes not sure what to say when i text her.
My question is do you still think i have a shot? If its a text she doesn't respond to is that OK? i am using the text which was taught to us in Step 5. Also, is it OK if i am the one to always initiate conversation? How do you think i should proceed now?
Thank you!
Hey Kevin,
We broke up months ago ( together for more than a year). Yesterday I used the magic letter after no contact period for a month, and she repleid and also apologized and said she was sorry but everything between me and her is behind her and wished me all the best. What to do now?
Wait another week. Send the text. Don't give her the impression that you want to get back together. Start talking to her more and then ask her to hang out.
Kevin,
We broke up like 8 days now. And the last day he just told me he still love me but at the same time he told me that he dont t to be with me right now? Do he really love me I have to many what if's now! Do I need to keep holding it kills me when we are not talking.
He probably still loves you. You should follow the steps.
Hi Kevin,
I recently posted here (around a week ago).
I have chased her excessively, i really mean way too much.
Things were getting better after 4 months of fight but i really acted desperate.
She had promised me to talk to me after her exams but she did not.
I texted her last on may 15th, i had sent nearly 50 texts out of frustration.
I told her i have her gmail password, i used to stalk her, and one day i found out she was talking to her ex so i changed her facebook password and later she changed it, i also removed her from my friend list (i really made a mistake here i think).
Well i have worked on myself, i don't stalk her now but many times i come across her profile via mutual friends, i can tell she is really very happy. I think the phase where she used to miss me is not here now.
I also came to know that during my no contact period 2 of my friends asked her to talk to me (they did not tell me about this or else i would have never let them do so) and her response was its all over for her and she can't talk to me. What effect will this have i am really sad because of my friends asking her to talk to me.
I have to leave my city on 7th of this month and i will come back on 12th i guess. Should i ask her to meet me before that or should i do it after i am back ?
We both will leave for colleges soon and i want to meet her.
She had said that she does not wants to talk to me at all.
Please can you tell me how should i approach her ? Because i have chased her already.
I am very afraid that she will not even respond to my text when i contact her.
I thought i will say something like "I would like to meet you once before i leave this place."
I am really confused of what to say that she agrees to meet me.
Contact her after 12th. Use the letter mentioned in the plan. If she doesn't contact you after that, wait another week or two and send her the "something reminded me of you" text. Don't send her that message. It seems very serious and it'll make her put up the walls. Whenever you contact her, keep things light.
Hi, i actually have no way to deliver her a hand written letter. Should i contact her via facebook or text message ?
Yes, facebook or email.
Hi Kevin. Today i found out that i will not be able to return on 12th. I might return at the end of the month. What should i do now ?
I want to meet her before we leave for college. Should i message her on 12th and plan a meet later or message her only when i return back ?
Kevin, as of this moment im checking my ex's facebook. Not to stalk but to see and investigate how she is doing so i know what to expect when i contact her. And she still is posting quotes about losing someone because you never thought youd lose them. Another good sign right? Lol.
Kevin, im kind of confused with relationship rewind. I cant undestand all properly.
I think im on deaths door.
Hey Daniel,
What's death's door?
Raed,
Sorry for late reply. Didnt see your comment. Well deaths door is the stage where she rejects you totally. She doest want anything involving you basically. It makes her run away from you 100%.
Hey Kevin, two quick questions now that I'm in the NC period:
1. My ex just texted me for the first time since I started NC about 5 days ago. Just a random question about an app, nothing serious. I obviously didn't respond but it got me thinking that if I should somehow, maybe through one of our common friends, indirectly get knowledge to her that I'm very busy working or training (the changes I want to make in my life) and also trying not to be on my phone as much as possible (something that she hated) and that's why I'm not replying to her texts. I don't want the NC to backfire by she thinking I'm just rudely ignoring her, or that I just don't want to talk to her ever again or that I lost interest in her for good. Should I make sure she knows this? If so, how would you suggest doing it?
2. If still during NC she starts texting or calling me often and actually suggesting or implying she wants us to talk and see each other again or get back together. Should I still ignore all of it or should I take advantage of the fact she's showing interest in me again? If so, how would you suggest going about it?
Thank you very much for everything again, it's really making me deal much better with this situation.
Hey Alex,
I'd suggest you ignore it now. If she continues contacting you, tell her you need some space and time right now and you will get back in touch with her after a while.
kevin, everyone.
Obviously my ex isnt chasing me. Can you gice me a good excuse why i want to be friends with her? I need to get back on her friendzone and i must be prepared. She might not agree roght away and ask why we should stay friends. I nees to be prepared. She might think i have an agenda wanting to be friends.
Thanks! :)
Daniel,
Clearly my ex is also not chasing me either! All I know is that there has been changes in me! Now, I check updates here more often than FB! LOL Anyway, I have learnt a serious lesson which might be useful in my coming relationships! Also, about keeping hopes: I know that all I have done have been in vain, so lets follow Kevin's advice! He's been in this field for years! That's undeniable! :)
Well kevin isnt replying to our posts. Maybe he is busy.
I'm in the same situation as you guys, I don't understand why my ex just disappeared, no contact, NOTHING since we've split... our break up wasn't because of fight or anything it was due to circumstances and he hasn't messaged me once to tell me how he's doing even though in the beginning I did the crazy thing with texts and calls... This is my second week into NC and the more I think about it the angrier I get at his attitude but I'm determined to look after myself although I think I'm most depressed in the mornings and can't seem to get out of bed before almost midday (nothing too new here, I'm surprised I'm in very good shape hahaha)... I have a plan but I have fear of moving on as well... Good things have been happening in my life and I do count my blessings every day, good family, good health, good looks and few friends (not many friends but I just moved back here and don't seem to like socialising much either) but I do take walks every now and then, sit under a tree and ball my eyes out :'(
Daniel,
Kevin has job for himself. You hardly find any web in which the author is so active. I believe he spends 2-3 hours per day to read all our stories and think over it. I truly appreciate his efforts.
Rihanna,
Its been 9 months that I have been in this town. I am one of those people who makes friends so easily but always keeps some distance. I spend most of my day biking in the town and going to gym. About my ex gf, I still don't know why I want to get her back! She was not the best gf I ever had! She was so annoying in the last months. Maybe the weakness is still in me and I should decide to move on. We did not have fights much either because I had turned into a yes-man to avoid any arguments! It was ridiculous of me!
Anyway, I wish both of you happiness and good luck!
Rihanna,
Its okay. Youre doing fine. Im already at my 4th week of nc. Life is not good to me i have other big problems besides my ex bu im still trying to feel better. I have good frienda. And the funny thing is. One of my closest friends is mu ex's older sister. But we agreed that we wont let mu ex know. You know at this point in time in y NC, i still cry especially while driving alone. I cry to te fullest because i want it out of my chest. We are all doing great! There is
Nothing wrong with us. Goodluck to all of us!
Hey friends: Daniel, Rihanna, Dara.
I'm also wondering why my ex is not chasing after me haha. But i dont feel sad nor happy. I dont know. Lol
You shouldn't give her a reason unless she asks. If she does, there are a few sample conversations in the drift stage of relationship rewind which will give you a good idea of what to say.
Kevin,
I just wanted to chime back in and say thank you, as I think your advice has definitely helped ME. In fact, I would recommend your site to anybody dealing with these kinds of issues as there is a lot of psychology involved here... Not only in how to get your girl back, but more/so on how to be a better person.
To give a brief and I mean very brief history, girlfriend of over four years and I broke up recently (close to a month ago now). There were issues in the relationship I felt I caused, but also some communication issues, that yet again, imagine this, I think I definitely fueled greatly. I think it's important for people to realize that no matter what you do, there is always two sides to things. It was so easy for me to blame myself entirely for the entire problem and let those thoughts manifest... To everybody out there, DON'T TORTURE YOURSELF!!! I did it to the point that it made me literally physically ill, the stress and mental trauma was ridiculous. The point of this post isn't to discuss that though, perhaps maybe to give some hope and shed some insight to my friends. I say friends, because we're all here together with a common goal of self-improvement. That is what this is, I feel, because we must look in at ourselves and really be the change we want to see. Especially if you, like me, think you have been a catalyst for issues in your relationship.
First off...
NO. CONTACT. WORKS. It is not my intention to sound sexist or derogatory to the race of women (you're all beautiful!), but to my girl (I can't really call her that at this point though)? This break-up has been nothing but psychological warfare from the start. It was text-book. She created an epic illusion of how powerful she is and how weak and desperate I am. I believe I inflated her ego by how I acted after the relationship and during with my love, telling her she was beautiful, really loving her and showing her that she has worth so much more than she thought. It's funny how that seems to have created an empowered woman that can now tower above me in light of our relationship of four years ending, but you know what? I'm happy she feels better about herself. But, the reality of it is, it's ALL a front. It's a poker-face. The selfies, the social media fiasco, the cold-hearted treatment... I let her sit and spin on that for awhile. It wasn't a week that went by before she contacted ME and it's because I've got my poker face on a little bit better than she does.
Males, when you are entering this scenario you have to play your cards right. It IS a game. Plain and simple. As much as you may think something about yourself or what she might be doing, it probably isn't true. The best part of it all, to make this really workout for YOU, all you have to do is eliminate her for a little while. Replace her with your friends that you probably have forgotten about. In my case, I won that instantly. HER social circles were MY social circles. If you've kept real friends around like I did, this is easy money in the bank. Why? Because your real friends have YOUR back and are looking out for YOU. It's easy to lose sight of that when you put so much into a relationship.
*********Beyond my little speel, I do have a question for ole Kev*********
I'm confused about the timing and the mixed signals. This past weekend, a barrier seemed to come down. After our second week of no contact, and to explain what that means for me, no contact at all, beyond what we had to due to sharing bills... Things were different this past time. I've taken time for myself, gotten a little more serious about my workout/gym routine (I think I'm showing better results than ever), cleaned up my act a bit, and most of all? I'm showing her I can do this all on my own without her help. An alpha male is a provider and that is something I can't say I was to even myself. We moved out and had our first place together (this was years ago, so we've been at it awhile), but I've never done it all on my own, with 110% my own money. Manage my place, my time, my money and keeping the bills afloat has been a huge thing for me. Even as an adult, it was scary to be thrown into life like that without a jacket on. Our usual routine of her picking stuff up from the house and grabbing bill money, turned into her visiting for about an hour and a half. We sat and talked, didn't bring up anything of the relationship (until the very end, I'll get to that) and it was actually... Really great. It felt like we were starting down a really great path. In the time for myself, I've began to lose track of the things that weren't pure with her and I felt she did too. Hopefully, on top of that she sees the positive changes in my life as well. Because honestly, I think this is my one. I don't mean that in some corny, cheesy, Hollywood type of way. But, in a "I'm old enough to recognize something really special" kind of way and that's how I've always felt about her. Since the first day I saw her, I knew something. But, anyways...
She mentioned she would like to see the pets once a week. I was delighted, I think this was a step for her to have an excuse to come and see ME and what I'm up to. Since I love her and want this to work, I'm planning on using this as my time to shine. Our no-contact rule is going to be in place except for these potential one-week sessions. Before she left, she gave me a hug and left and I had to ask how we would handle this with us taking our space. We agreed it would be fine to talk to each other to do this, but would continue the space so we could heal. But, to get to that point, I believe I probably took the conversation in a direction that it shouldn't have went and probably looked like an ass momentarily when I commented on things in the past, albeit very briefly and not at all in a derogatory manner, but to assure her I agreed that this was a good idea. FWIW, I will NOT make that mistake again, I don't think that was the right thing to do, but my mind was scrambling big time as I didn't at all expect her to stay and chat, especially not make any kind of agreement like this.
A friend of mine said, "NO DUDE NO! WRONG MOVE! TELL HER YOU'RE GONNA BE BUSY WHEN SHE TEXTS YOU ON SATURDAY!" I don't really see that being the thing to do here... But, I do think it's important to establish I have my own thing going on. Which, I think is fairly apparent. I'm also mildly concerned that she may not even hit me up at all, should I be the one to nudge at that point? I don't know if that would be viewed as desperate or not, but I'm curious to hear what you think would be the best idea. I got the vibe that she was doing polar opposite of what her online presence said (which believe me, was please-give-me-attention-selfie city) and was probably having a hard time with this as I am. I don't care who "wins" the break-up, but I do care about making things right and I don't want either of us to hurt. Frankly, I hate the mind-games and just want to be real with her. But, I tried that and it didn't workout. What do you think is the best way to handle this at this point? My idea? Play it cool. But, there is a lot that goes with it.
Thanks a lot. Your advice has greatly helped me to keep sane. Please reply, I think you may of missed my other one.
Thank you.
Hey,
I think you are handling everything very well. Play it cool is always the best way to deal with an ex. If she doesn't contact you, you shouldn't contact her. At least until NC isn't over. If she does contact you, and it's about seeing the pets, you should let her see them, as long as you are sure you will be able to handle the situation as well as you did in your prior meeting.
Kevin,
Thank you, I really appreciate your commentary. I hope things can go smoothly, I think each time I'm around her things are a little less awkward so, here's to that becoming a trend. I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed for a breakthrough. Last weekend was a big step, but I don't know that that means she is considering anything more with me. What your opinion on that?
Like you said, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back together, but yes, it was a good step forward.
Here it is: I was dumped.
Granted, I was dumped gently and with some hint of regret (I like to think), but, nevertheless, I was dumped a little over a week ago.
He and I have been very, very close friends for years, and a couple months after he broke up with his girlfriend (of about two years) we started to really click and have a relationship. I'm aware of the dangers of being a rebound girl, but I never got the feeling that I was dating someone on the rebound, and because we've always been honest and comfortable together, I did talk to him about it. I told him we could wait if he wasn't ready, et cetera et cetera et cetera. He insisted to me that he was very interested in me, and that was the way I always felt around him.
But he's a bit flaky about his feelings.
The day before he broke up with me, he admitted to me that he hadn't felt like "himself" lately, due in part to the fact that he missed his ex-girlfriend. He was the one who had broken up with her, he felt like they weren't compatible, had changed, and didn't get along. But he also told me that he didn't feel like he was ready for a relationship, period, that he didn't know how he felt, and he was sorry for "engaging me" before he was ready.
I'm aware that he reached out to The Ex the other day, and she politely declined talking to him or spending time with him.
I'm also aware from mutual friends that he's been interested in how I am and what I'm feeling.
Knowing him as well as I do, I feel like he's interested in me but still bogged down by thoughts of his ex-girlfriend and guilt and confusion. The man has lots of feelings. I suppose I signed up for that.
What should I do? I'm implementing the no contact rule at the moment, but I'm not sure where to go after that. He's a very, very important person to me and I really would like to rekindle our relationship. It doesn't help that his social media is still crawling with pictures of me, pictures that we took together, pictures I took of him, etc.
What should I think about this situation? (Apologies for the lengthiness.)
I think you should give him some time and space to figure out what he wants. Do NC for at least 2 months and then get back in touch using texts or the letter.
Hi Kevin,
I never got that email, only the magic letter format, I actually haven't gotten a lot of the emails, like some days I don't get them. Is that supposed to happen. And when do I get the deaths door format?
Thanks
Zach,
The death's door format is in the step 2 of relationship rewind book. I think you already have received the email on magic letter.
kevin i posted another post yesterday, guess you haven't noticed it.could you please respond to it ?
I split with my boyfriend of 12 years we have 2 children together we split up about 3 months ago and now he is with another girl who he has been with for 2 months they now live together and he is not seeing his children much. He says he is happy and has everything he wants except his children because I dont want her to meet her... I have been nasty with him and done some of your not to do rules... but with having children it's hard... we goy engaged on xmas day as well... now I have come to the point where I have said she can meet the kids I dont care anymore have I done the right thing could you give me some advice in what to do yes I do miss him but I dont no whether I want him back... do you think his new relationship is a rebound in the way he is acting??? Thanks lisa
There's a good chance that it's a rebound. You should do NC. Read this article to learn about NC with kids.
Kevin,
I just read relationship rewind and now im confused. I dont know what phase im in. Before i started NC we agreed to be friends but i think we messed up coz we are not healed yet and forced to have our emotions interfere. Is it safe to assume that i am deaths door? She hasnt contacted me since NC. Except when i greeted her happy birthday. Coz she replied. I know ive posted alot. I hope you can answer them coz reconnection day with her is close and i need to be prepared well. Thanks kevin.
Hey Daniel,
You should continue no contact for as discussed in your previous comment and then follow the steps in drift.
hi Kevin,
Thank you for this awesome article. I broke up with him on the 22nd of May on his birthday. Then he didn't response to me on my break up in txt messages. Instead he still keep on texting me and calling me why am I ignoring me. I broke up with him because of the strange actions he showed up to me. He never invited me on his birthday, he always cancel all our plan to meet each other due to his work, he's ignoring some of my messages like if I asked why he didn't response to my break up with him. When he called I pick it up to answer and then he will say I love you and I miss you. But why does he still saying that though I already broke up with him? 1st attempt to break up with him he really cares about it he calls he txt me then we work it out. 2nd attempt he still did the same but on the 3rd attempt he didn't response about it anymore. I will say that I am very needy in our relationship. I want his attention, his some time. But every time he apologized to his strange act I forgive him immediately coz I value the relationship a lot. But when I figured it out about his secret (he was accusing that he is the father of the pregnant girl he was dating before last year before we meet each other, his financial problems, whenever I tried to come to his place he always changed the topic that he will be the one to come on my place.)
This are the reasons why I decided to broke up with him.
But I need an answer about our break up from him. I know I'm stupid why I let myself waited for his answer.
I am doing now this NC method thank you very much for this awesome and inspiring method, I realized that I really need to make some positive change in myself. I'm now going to a class gym so I'll make myself busy.
Vanessa
Hi Kevin,
Im 19 and my ex is 17, now its one month since she left me (troubles started 2 months ago). Ok i know, that we are preety young, but we had basicly everything, we had sex, we were together all the summer long,... She said that, she dont know what feeling does she have to me. Now she is "dating" one guy, from other part of the country (they see eachother onyl by skype), they were just once together for 2 hours, 1 week after she left me. She text me, only when she needs me (like school, or something), we are not in contact like 1 week,... Time to time she text me, but only for helping her. What should I do? I really love her, and I want her back
Follow the steps in the article.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke off with me 2 months ago. We had a very good chemistry. I've tried whatever i could but it didn't work. She says she doesn't want me anymore. Unfortunately, i did 4 mistakes among the five you've mentioned. But a week back i read this article of yours and had stopped texting her. I love her a lot, i want her back. I cant get her out of my head. I don't know what to do..
Follow the steps Sagar.
Hello Kevin,
So it had been 2 weeks since my breakup and I had been feeling a bit better. Today my friend let me know that my ex is already going out with the guy she told me about. June 1st was actually the day we got together, and i heard she got together with him basically a week after our breakup. It felt like I was back to square one with the pain. What is worse for me, is that I had to hear the true reason for the break up from my friend, rather than from her. She did tell me about it, but she did not explicitly tell me that was the reason.
In the end, it was my complacency with the relationship. I was happy and secure with it, and basically fell into doing the same things. I didn't really do stuff to surprise her, or take her out to new places. Quite frankly I am a reserved person, and because of the way I was brought up I never got a chance to do that. I certainly did do some of that stuff in our first year, but I began thinking more towards our future the second year and forgot about that. I wish she had told me much more explicitly, I would have listened. Even when I talked to her about the future, she didn't tell me she didn't want to think that far ahead. She was a sweet sweet girl, and I still believe she is, and cares about me.
It seems weird to me that she went ahead and got in a relationship with the guy. I didn't think she would just jump into it. It might be rebound, she told my friend that she knows she hurt me, but that she has to "move on", and that she's not ready to see me or talk to me yet. I don't understand how I feel right now. On one side I feel afraid because the guy is pretty cool and a nice guy. He always seemed as reserved as I, and overall a pretty cool guy from the looks of it. It feels like she's just throwing everything away, that I wasn't anything to her. That and the fact that she didn't communicate to me is what hurts me. It feels like she might get serious with him, but I its also feels pretty soon to jump into that, so she might just be doing this to try to forget me.
What do you think about my situation? I start summer school now so I will finally be able to get out of home and try to talk to people. I will start a workout regimen too. I want to work on myself, but I also know that it will take time to heal my mind. In my sleep I dream of her, sometimes the good times, and others I see images of her with him.
I don't know if I will want to be back with her once my mind and heart heal, but I do know that I want her friendship, I care about her as my friend.
Today, after I heard the news, I just wanted to call her, to blow up on her. I felt hurt, but now I feel that the best revenge, is for me to become happy with my life and be so. Do you think it would be fine for me to contact her near the end of July? I don't know how serious their relationship is, but I do want her friendship. In most of our time together I could really see that she loved me and felt for me. I could see that in her eyes.
Do you think I will ever have a chance with her? I'm going to try to make some changes, there are certainly things i can get better at, whether it be a future with her, or with another person. What do you think?
Victor,
The reason for your breakup is the same as mine. Though my ex is not dating anyone. Anyway dont worry about it. Worry about yourself. She wants to see you affected so dont panic. Just have fun. You became boring ao she left. Then let her see that you are an exciting guy to be with. Just nurture yourself at the moment. Its fine to make her notice but dont overdo it. Best wishes man. Stay strong. Shes not contacting you because she needs space. Just give her some time for nlw and work on yourself. Goodluck!
Haha yeah I had been following your posts. It is pretty similar! That's what I am trying to do. It is just weird that she jumped into that relationship like that, although they might have already gotten closer before. Regardless she wasn't a person to just do that. I'm better now and can go through the day pretty calmly. As I am sure this happens with everyone it is hard to not think about them. Most if not all my friends were her friends too, so I don't have much of anyone to hangout with. I will try though! It feels great to have some support here! Thank you!
I think there's a good chance that it's a rebound. And you should contact her near the end of July. There's still chance.
Thank you, that's what I've been thinking I will do. The guy is a good guy, from looking at him I always got the impression he was cool. I never really got around to getting to know him when we were in school though, but I know that he is not bad nor will have bad influences. I hope that it is rebound, it really feels like she is rushing into that considering that we took a year, but I guess I will found out in the future. I'm trying to work on myself, and hopefully it will be easier to stop thinking about them. I will try contacting her late July, before I go on vacation. Hopefully we can be friendly again.
(pretty long)
I have a dilemna. Me and my ex suffered a bad breakup in March. We had known each other since January. Despite excessive drama, me and my friend always believed he still liked me. He was gentle in person, only snapping at me angrily. He avoided eye contact. Our relationship ended in texts. Even when I asked him what I should do or if we should break up, his response would be "I don't know" or "I'm not sure". So yes, the guy was extremely reluctant. He told me some more personal things about himself solely in texts, though. We met on a forum catered to a geekier side of society. Probably why he didn't realize his social/communication bloopers. (I informed him, but he never changed that weird habit.)
The main problem is that I didn't keep my NC. We stopped speaking for two weeks. But I continued to send him lengthy messages. That's pretty much where we've been ever since. He tried to get over me, though I wrote him a private message or email every two weeks. Plus, a couple friends intervened unsuccessfully. Everyone got curt responses and ended up quickly blocked. The split proved so serious we deleted each others' contact information. All I have is his email address coupled with an IM handle. He said all the typical guy breakup stuff. He claimed we weren't compatible, that he wouldn't contact me and vice versa. (When I continued to, he abruptly threatened me with police reports. But no restraining order was ever placed. And this is not a legal issue.)
It's been a little while so I thought he'd recovered by now. However, I finally spoke to him just two weeks ago. He still thinks I'm psychotic and wants me out of his life. He already knows I want him back this desperately.
Something broke in me the last couple days. Today, I sent him a very lengthy (probably some good five pages), eloquent and detailed email and IM. I discussed everything super carefully. Like you covered here, I spoke of physical advances. Career upgrades. I was careful not to reveal too much. I said I was sorry, explained myself and noted that I'd love to meet in the future. At least I accepted that he may never come back now. Though I would prefer one last meeting to say goodbye.
Now that I've done all this, what is your advice? I see that we haven't had much time to recover (come on, touching messages every two weeks?). But how should I proceed from here? I contemplated just leaving him alone for another two full months. Then ringing him up and going out again. I have warned him he only has one more chance to speak to me. If he doesn't answer or continues being defensive this next time around, I would seriously give up.
I have been obsessing like anything. Doesn't help he's basically my first relationship. I'm naturally an obsessive person, but he's calm and a bit more experienced. Even so, the breakup seems to have impacted him. He was angry, dismissive, in a bad mood, and used a different tone of voice.
He may or may not agree to a second chance. At least I'd have proper closure. Two months seems like a long time, though, and I've already made severe changes. Would a couple weeks be too soon? I know that timing is tricky. I'm healing and I've told him this. I just don't know when I should finally step in and talk to him again. Or even if I should.
Thanks in advance?
I actually spoke to several licensed medical professionals. The experts believe that I should move on, it happens and people can't do anything after all that but there will be others in the future. Even if he comes to take me back, there were a lot of issues in the relationship. Unless we magically clean up, the outcome would probably be the same. I still feel my case deserves closure. It was so bad I suffered extreme anxiety and needed the ER-level of care. Antidepressants. My ex dodged several important questions, including closure.
Also, whenever it came to talking about our relationship he was pretty much always the same way. We experienced some close calls in the past. But rather than tell me face-to-face, he chose to text or IM everything. I'm guessing this could be him trying to avoid showing emotion in public, unsure of how TO talk in person or just still likes me. The poor guy ended up in some rebound relationships. I acknowledged letting go, and went on some dates as well.
You seem to know a lot about this stuff. So I was hoping you could help.
Hey Philippa,
I agree with what medical professionals are saying. However, I know that it's not so easy to let go of a relationship. Especially if it was your first one. I think two months is a good amount of time. However, you seem to be under the impression that you will get closure by meeting him or something outside event. Closure is something that comes from inside. And it'll happen with time. You just have to learn to be happy without him. Start concentrating on yourself more and try to accept the fact that getting answers from him will not necessarily give you closure. In fact, there's a good chance you won't get the answers from him that you are expecting. You can try contacting him again after two months. And if things don't work out then, you should definitely move on.
Thank you for the help, Kevin. I've tried doing a lot of other things (volunteering, working out, etc). The truth is, like the professionals stated, I don't even know if I should try contacting him again. There were many problems I overlooked.
I've started trying to meet other people. I've seen this as a really unhealthy relationship. I guess that's life. I didn't know until I experienced the situation for myself.
Kevin,
I counted. And i acted needy for exactly 50 days. I will be going NC for 42 days. Should i make my NC longer than the numver of days i acted crazy?
Also, im feeling nervous about reconnevting with her. Is it bad? But overall my condition improved a lot. Thanks to you. Your answers and guidance is much appreciated. :)
It's up to you. Use the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. It's normal to feel a little nervous. As long as you've accepted that there's a chance you will never get her back, you will be fine.
Ill focus on accepting failure for the rest of my NC. But i really hope for my success.
I need to be stronger. Thanks kevin. Youre really a great help.
Hey Kevin. Me and my girlfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago. We talked off and on for 3 years and dated for 5 months. We recently broke up and I'm devastated. I feel like without her I'm lost. I want her back but she's in a relationship that she entered a week after we broke up. We shared everything together and she became my best friend. When she left I felt like I lost everything. I think her friends influenced her to treat me like crap and leave. I really want her back but I don't know what to say to get her back.
kelvin,
My ex (21) & i (23) broke up 2 months ago back in march. I have done all sort of things like begging, pleading, suicide in order to get her back. (realize it was a huge mistake) after that i started NC until recently i contacted her. But she was still the same.. she's was cold on every msg that she sended to me. i did tried to invite her out for sports , coffee or anything couple of times but she would just completely rejected me. During the conversation with her, she did mention that the past memories still has impact in her life and somehow making in worse. (mayb was referring to the suicide thing). she also said that she now sees me differently. she also said this.. its either i stick to the person very well i wont leave or after i leave i won't get back to the person anymore, im like that so.. sorry. she also mention that its not her 1st mind to break up with me.. its her 3rd time. she says that we both know we don't suit each other. From what i heard, there is someone out there is being very nice to her, and she's all the time hanging out with him.. even went for trips, attending orchestra with her (which she really likes it) From your point of view, do u think i should continue chasing her? ( thats what i want actually) or should i just move on?? anyone out there facing this please feel free to comment thanks.
I'm in the same predicament but younger. I feel that you should try to move on. As much as we want to fight for that person, if they don't realize it now, they will later. Let her see that you're not so needy and try and find happiness. It may just be bad timing with you guys
Your situation sounds somewhat like mine. There are people that will never go back to an ex no matter what. I still thought it might be doable until I read the part about another guy.
Plus, three chances and you're surprised she got tired of you? Hardly surprising, she might really be done this time.
Keri,
After 2 months of NC, i felt better and made the changes that i should make. Even she does realize about it, will she even consider to come back to me again?
Phillipa,
Really its over?? i mean Do i not have anymore fighting chance? yesterday nite about 11.45pm (malaysia time) 1 of my friend saw me online on facebook, because he knows i hardly on facebook due to my recent situation, so he called and ask me, and i told him that i did not on my facebook at the time. So, somehow i feel that it was my ex that on my facebook account.she's the only one that know my account's password. Is she stalking or?
Sean,
The new guy might be rebound. I think you still have a chance, but it's slim. If you decide to continue chasing her, I'll recommend you set yourself a time limit (2-3 months). If things don't work out by the end of the time limit, you should move on.
Kelvin,
Honestly, She means alot to me. Well, perhaps your right. i should set a time limit for myself. but from here how i do continue chasing her?
Right now, do NC for a while. When you get back in touch, don't give the impression that you want to get back together. You just want to be friends.
kelvin,
How long is the NC would you recommend? her 21st birthday is coming on this sept. Should i wait until that day sent her a birthday gift despite whether she invite me or not?
45 days. Don’t send her a gift. I don’t recommend it. A simple text should suffice.
Hi, Kevin! I finally finished my 30 days of no contact and I used that time effectively. I worked on myself, went on dates and I couldn't be happier. Towards the end of no contact the switch in my mind clicked. I can be on my own and it's a great feeling. I've rediscovered myself and what I want in my life. I sedcidwd that I still would like to make things work with my ex wife. So on the 32 day I reached out to her and we exchanged texts and had a good conversation. Today I asked her she was and she replied with a big text saying that she's happy I'm doing great and she's trying to improve her life but she's still upset with our situation and will be for a long time...her words. Thanks to the 30 days of NC . I'm now a much stronger indiviule but is there any thing I can do to make her see that the past is the past. Should I not reply and continue with NC or should I respond. Thank you for all that you do!
Stay in touch with her. If she acts cold, then back off for a couple of days. She is still a little negative about the breakup. But it'll go away with time. Just make sure you don't show any signs of neediness and don't react to her negativity.
Hi Kevin,
So my ex and I have been together for six months and we broke up recently. Unfortunately I've been through multiple relationships in the past and I couldn't accept this relationship for what it really was. I compared the past with this one on many occasions, and made my ex girlfriend feel worthless pretty much the whole time. I tried breaking up many times but she was the one who held the relationship together, and just when I started to open up my heart and accept the value of this relationship, she broke up with me. She says she just wants to be friends now, but I want it to be more than that.
What do I do?
hey kevin
i went on NC since the day he blocked me on FB ( 7 days ). yesterday was my birthday,he unblocked me and sent a text message to my friend and told her to tell me happy birthday from him on my birthday,he also told her he doesn't want me to write anything back and he wishes that i grow up and understand better.(our last fight was about me not understanding him and acting so bad) do you think he did this because he is still not over me and want me back later when i behave? and should i still continue NC? and now that he has unblocked me am i out of death's door?
Hey a.z
I'm in the same position your in, deaths door, not a fun place to hang out LoL. It was my behavior that screwed things up with my ex too, my problem is that aside from taking medication, I have always refused to get help, therapy wise, for my condition, I guess that somewhere in my mind I thought that if I get help for it that I would be admitting to the fact that I'm different. But now I am getting the help I needed and it wouldn't have happened if me and her were still together. But basically what happened was that I had a bipolar episode after she told me the night before that it might be best to just be friends, and it was too much on her with everything going on in her life at the time and she told me that she didn't need the extra stress in her life right now. The worst part is that I knew deep down that it would have all blown over and we would have been fine, that it was only because she had a really bad day involving her ex. She blocked my number but that's nothing she hasn't done before, she used to do it whenever we had an argument back when we were just friends. It's been about forty days and still sucks, I saw her twice since it happened during the first two weeks and she wouldn't even look at me let alone talk or listen to what I had to say, it leaves you with a nasty feeling inside to know you have hurt someone you care about enough so that they wont talk to you. I'm about to send a letter, hope it goes over well, I'm also going to tell her about an opportunity to do something she loves to do, but hasn't been able to in awhile as Ryan suggested doing. I hope things work out for you.
hey zach ,
sorry to hear about your condition but i thinks there is nothing impossible in this conditions.we should just keep calm and concentrate more on our personal life.once we become a successful happy person we used to be,they absolutely find it attractive and wanna hang out.my ex an i broke up about 3 months ago.the first 2 weeks sucked but little by little i found lots of ways to be happy,i worked on myself and continued NC about a month then he contacted me.i acted the way ryan and kevin suggested and it worked.he was amazingly reaching for me.again one night i was drunk and messed up with everything.but this time i won't let these things happen i'm working on my self confidence and trying to control my anger.and doesn't matter our ex s get back or not i know we'll be fine.things aren't always hurtful by themselves but the way we look at it or what we think about it makes it hurtful.we should look at bad things as a challenge or opportunity and trust yourself your gonna get a stronger you out of it.there are thousands of opportunity out there that we can be happy and even find a new love.anyways i wish you all the best things and hope you get back with your ex soon,good luck :D
Thanks a-z,
It's been 41 days since we broke up but I tried to talk to her twice, once after 9 days and again 5 days later, so its been 27 days since I started no-contact. I know her well enough to know that she wont be the one to contact me, I'm going to drop off the letter that Kevin and Ryan suggested we do in her mailbox this week and I'm also going to put a note in there containing info on something she loves to do but couldn't find anywhere to do, I discovered it from my friends girlfriend who does it. So hopefully that opens her up to me so that I can begin to earn her trust again, she doesn't trust people very easily and so it will take some time. I think that's why it was so bad, she had it really rough the day before as I mentioned above and ended the relationship between us, because she needed me as a friend, I could always make her happy and cheer her up and tell her things will be okay but instead of that I panicked and I made her feel even worse and I believe she was so hurt by that, she just couldn't take it, in her eyes I betrayed her trust when she needed me the most. So with my ex I'm gonna have to do all the work to open her up to the possibility of being friends.
Zach,
Don't use the magic letter format that Ryan suggested. It's only if you are in the drift stage of the relationship. You are in death's door. There's a message format for death's door and there's a letter format in the email series. Use that format.
He does miss you, but it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to get back together in the future. You are not out of death's door right now.
thank you very much kevin.
Kevin,
My Ex Girlfriend broke things off with me just over 2 months ago. After the break up she stayed in contact for about 3 weeks with me. During that time she told me she still loves me and we just don't see each other enough. After that she broke all contact. After breaking all contact she reached out for some gifts furniture I personally made her myself from scratch by having her friend contact me to arrange a time to make an exchange in the future. She still hasn't picked anything up. She broke things off cause I was neglecting her by putting others first before her and not spending a lot of time with her the last portion of the relationship. 4 months before breaking it off she moved 4 hours away for her career which I fully supported and helped with the move and I stayed behind due to I own a house. During that time I started looking into moving to her but never told her. I also never took the time to go visit her from getting caught up in helping others. I took time to myself and put plans in play to better myself. after 3 weeks of her stopping contact I wrote hand written letter and mailed it to her. The letter stated all the mistakes I realized I made and the plans I have done to change them and that I am willing to move for us. Some small moments we had together. After she got it she contacted my friend lashing out in anger and had him tell me everything she said. I feel that the love is there from some actions she made. I never tried to beg for her back and didn't called and text-ed her a ton of times after she stopped talking to me. There are some mutual friends involved and I don't know what they told her from conversations I had with them. I stopped talking to them about her all together now but the damage may have been done if they did somethings to her. a week after the letter I decided to call. No answer and left my voice mail. Waited 2 days and left a text. Said "I know work has been busy for you and hope you had time to relax". If you have some free time can you call me. Then wanted 3 days and called her and left a voice mail saying "If you have a chance can you call me back. Hope you enjoy your day". My number wasn't blocked and she didn't block me on Facebook.
My question is did I do to much damage on trying to contact her so far that giving time of no contact won't fix?
No you didn't.
Kevin,
People are telling me that if she cared she would have responded in some sort of way by now but I know she can be a stubborn person at times. Communication was one of the things that were lacking in our relationship toward the end on both parts. Far as I know there isn't another guy and from mutual friends they say she she wants nothing to do with me. If she wanted nothing to do with me why wouldn't she have just contacted me personally after the letter I sent instead of contacting a mutual friend of ours? When she broke all communication she broke all ties between us as well. I can't really trust everything the mutual friend says anymore since there has been some false things that were said already. Its been a month and still have her gifts she wanted & things that her friend said she was going to get at some time but never got back up with me yet. Should I contact the friend and ask if she still planning on making an exchange? I feel I shouldn't give up on my Ex yet since its only been a little over 2 months after the break up. I believe if she sees/gives me the chance to show her I have become a better person things could be worked out. What are your thought?
I forgot to also ask how much no contact should I do since the last call? The only thing I have to go off of what she is thinking is that she still loved me twice right after the break up but didn't see each other enough and after communication break/cut all ties to me she had a friend ask for the personal gifts I hand made for her. She has not once told me anything to me personally about it being over or stop contacting her. Everything I hear comes thru another person and some what I hear has a really high chance to be false so I don't know what to believe. I am still doing my own thing and a still love and want to be with her.
One month.
Hey Tony,
I think if you don't want to give up yet, don't give up. However, set a time limit for yourself (4-5 months). If by that time she is still cold, then you should move on.
Yeah I feel it is to earlier to give up on her due to all the things I heard comes from people I learned I can't fully trust and it only been a little over 2 months after the break-up. She is a mature strong woman so I don't know why she wouldn't just contact me to tell me stuff instead of going thru other people.
Hey Kevin,
I have been no contact for over a month now. During the time I still been doing me and making sure I don't go back to my old way of being a workaholic. I decided to send a casual card to her. I am just not sure what to write in it. I thought of something like "I hope things are going well for you out there." but I am not sure on what else I should say. What are your thoughts?
Should I keep trying or give up on ex? Me and my ex have been together for 9 months. I never cheated on her, always been faithful, paid for everything almost, had great sex, slept together, went to church together, and just had a good trust bond. But after a while she would bring up arguments, and we would argue. Most of the time I knew I was right, but she would see it as she's right. And said we couldn't solve our problems. Well towards the break up I told her I want to move on from the problems and focus on us. Well she looked at it as F*** her feelings. I never meant it that way I just wanted to make it better so she broke up with me. Since then I've been feeling stressed and I've been in pain to where I can barely stay active as I use to. I don't do much with myself because I did most of it with her.. lately ive been trying to convince her that I'm sorry for making it seem that way and bought her a gift because she said ive caused damage to her through not solving problems. Then she said thats something a friend wouldnt do so she told me she doesn't want to be friends, and there is no chance at all. She also blocked me on her instagram. We've been broken up for about 2 months. I still have strong feelings for her and cant get over her. Im trying the no contact which is ignoringher for a month to see if she really mean that. Well my main question is should I give up or keep trusting God that things will work out cuz i still feel like it's possible and is there still hope although she says there isn't?
Only you can answer that question. And you will figure out what you should do during no contact.
Hy Kevin,
My bf of 4 years and I have a long distance relationship (Dallas - San Diego). Although we were very close and even talked marriage at one point I had a hard time dealing with the distance between us for the past two years and this negatively affected our relationship. A couple of months ago I asked for more commitment and gave him an ultimatum. He got scared and we had a big fight. His main argument was that he doubted my feelings but afterwards he asked me to be patient with him. In my timeline 4 years are a long enough. We didn't break up but a month has passed since we have no contact. I try to keep calm and be positive but it is getting harder each day. What should I do? Should I contact him or wait? I wish you could help me.
You should contact him. However, you should be clear on what you want. If he is not willing to provide you the commitment you need, you should be willing to walk away.
Thank you Kevin. I sent him a message - even before you answered me. It just felt right. He didn't answer. Something tells me he is angry with me about the NC. I love him very much and want us to be together.
Hi Kevin,
I think I did it all wrong. I wrote him a message before writing him the letter. His answer was calm and polite but from your book I understand that this is bad.... "You are a good person and you have a big heart [...], but I feel I made you suffer a lot and that made me suffer. I wanted to contact you during this period [...] but I have to admit I am much more at peace without having contact with you." This is bad, isn't it? Does this mean that he is happy? My soul is breaking. In the NC I realized that I really want him even if we don't get married. Is there something that I can do now? I wrote him the letter now. But isn't it too late. Will it work? We still have to meet at least once when he comes to pick up his things. But we haven't discussed that yet. Please help!
Hey Sarah,
It's not really bad. I can't say the letter will work but I hope it does. Only time will tell. Besides, I think you should do NC for a few months. I think you might be putting himself above your needs (to get married) and this way, even if you get him back, you won't be happy.
Hi Kevin,
Please check below, I responded to your response to my post, just in case you miss it.
Thanks,
The first post was on May 29
Hey Kevin,
How can I go through the no contact rule when I work with my ex? How can I make it not awkward?
You should treat him like you would treat any other coworker. Only talk to him if it's absolutely necessary. It'll be hard, but it can be done.
Hi kevin, I have gone through few steps as u said, but I messed up where we get another dating... He started to talk about the girl he use to work with, so I got angry and blasted at home... Finally after two days later we thought become normal friends again, and yes we are still in touch but not that much... I wanna take my lover back not as a friend.. Anyway I found that now he is not interest about the girl that he use to work with .. Please help me to get him back...
If you are still in talking terms with him, continue doing so. Go out with him again. If he talks about his other love interest, tell him calmly that you don't think he should be discussing it with you.
What do I do if she doesn't respond to the magic letter? Like if she doesn't call or text or anything... After a few days, should I move on to the text messages? Thanks in advance.
I'm facing the same issue ATM.
I've heard you should try to contact her again a week later. Then two more times. If she doesn't respond still, give up.
Yes. After a week or two.
Hello,
I want to ask you a question. It has been three weeks NC, but I heard from a mutual friend that he is dating another girl. I was angry and upset. Now I'm confused; I miss him but I don't feel that I love him like before !! Also I feel that I like some other guys !! Is that ok ?! Is it a period and it'll end ?! because I'm not comfortable with my new me :(
Hey Raf,
You should accept your new you. There's a part of you that wants to hold on to him and is stopping you from moving and starting a new life. And there's another part of you that is starting to realize that you are better off without him in your life. I'll recommend you extend no contact for another 2 months. You will have more time to figure out what you want.
hi
i have send you two times my story no respond from you yet please i really need your advise.
I replied here.
Hye kevin,
I did the 'no-contact'. I became a better person than i was. Should i say sorry and apologize to her when she is mad? In our conversations, I included friend, which is girls, i spent my time on them, i dated one of them. Unforunately, it makes her jealous. Should i say sorry or just simply ignore her?
Don't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. There's no need. Just ignore her irrational behavior.
Hey Kevin,
I thought and thought hard about this. Well, instead of waiting all the way until August I'm just going to contact my ex next month and see what happens. I have already exhausted myself thinking about him, I checked with the police and I spoke to a lot of people.
Besides, even if I waited until August and the outcome were the same... then what? I would have wasted all that time trying to get him back.
So. Next month. On the three month anniversary of our breakup. I will be very clear with him. Last chance. I've already written a letter. No use waiting and waiting and waiting. And even if he rejects me, time to wait until next year so we could be friends.
Thank you for all the help I ever needed. You are very informative!
I wish you best Esther.
Kevin,
Im feeling good about myself now. And its only been 3 weeks but i plan to still continue my NC for another 3 weeks just to gain more power and make her forget my neediness, insecurity, and bad memories about me.
Is there a way for me to know when is the right time to text her? Is there a chance that i missed it? If you remember i acted crazy for the first 1 and a half month after out breakup before i went NC on may 7. and on june 16 will mark 3mos of our breakup and by that time im 1 day short of my scheduled 6weeks of NC because im supposed to contact her on june17. Im itching to contact her right now but i understand well that rushing things may blow up everything i have worked for. You think i should make it 4 weeks instead of 6? Im not sure if our relationship was meaningful for her but i was her first boyfriend. And we lasted for 3yrs and 11 months. 1 month shy of 4yrs.
Also 6days into my NC.( this was around may10 or so) My ex updated her facebook status. It goes like "giving up is different from having enough". I think it was directed to me because she very rarely updates facebook and she knows im more active there than any other social media. Maybe she thinks that i gave up on her? Trying to reach out? I dont know for sure because before i went NC she was rejecting me and we didnt really text all day. I text her very minimal like goodmorning messages but its not always that she replies. She is more active on twitter so i think she wants me to see it. After that she blocked me on twitter. Correct me if im wrong but if she was angry because i gave up on her because i went NC i think she is affected by me still and that she wont move on that easily if i am still on her mind. Right? So i decided to continue my NC since im doing this for myself. I also understand her action of blocking me on social media as her way of getting over me or trying to move on. Its not a bad thing right? Thats her way of healing. She hasnt contacted me since, even when i sent her the magic letter i didnt get a response but i expected that coz she is a stubborn and strong woman and also because she really wanted space and i became a creep and showed weakness after the breakup. Last may 19 was her birthday. I texted her a simple "happy birthday" and she replied "thank you" and you know whats surprising? I met her sister on may 21 and she told me that my ex hasnt answered her greeting text message until the evening of may 20. While i on the other hand, i got a reply right when she woke up. Is this a good sign? Or im just keeping my hopes up? I just hope she responds to me when i contact her.
Also i would like to know, should i admit to her that i still have feelings for her when we meet again even in a cool way? Or would i look needy? i'll just admit but i wont force to get back together.
And one more thing. Is it still possible to get back with her after a few years? Coz i really want this girl and im willing to wait for her. Thanks kevin and i apologize for so many questions i hope you can answer them all. I really appreciate it.
It wasn't necessarily a good sign that she replied to your text. But yes, it probably means she will reply to you when you contact her. It's OK to admit you have feelings for her, but be subtle. Don't say it directly. And only do it if she brings up the topic. It is possible to get back after a few years, but you shouldn't wait that long. Simply because there's no guarantee. If things don't work out, you would've wasted a couple years of your life in vain. It's just not a logical decision.
Hey Kevin/Everyone!
My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. Its been really hard, we have been living together for about a year and a half now and I moved in back with my parents but he is still staying at our apartment until he finds something for himself. For a little while I noticed he was feeling depressed, mostly because of him not being able to find a job and because of school and his own unhappiness with himself. However I was also doubting if it was just that or if maybe he was also unhappy with me. The day before the break up we had an awesome day out going to the movies and just having fun but the next day when I woke up and used his laptop I saw that he had researched how to break up with your girlfriend. I brought it up to him and he said he felt like he needed sometime apart because he needs to work on himself and learn to be happy on his own and for quite some time now he had been relying on me to make him happy, and although he loves me he needs to learn to do that on his own. It was hard to hear and after a few days I began to understand that maybe he was right and I also had a lot of things to work on myself. I went over to pick up the rest of my things a few days after the break up and I saw that his laptop was there and (i know super bad but I couldn't help myself) I looked through his search history and I found out he had made a dating profile and had even messaged a few girls. It was so hurtful because the past few days we had still been talking and he said he didn't want to forget me and he still loved me. I confronted him about it ( :/ ) and he said that he had been lonely and talking to yourself gets old easy. I also told him that I saw that he had researched "dating tips/ and how to get a girl to sleep with you on the first date" he said that its one thing to think those things and another to actually do them and yes he had been feeling lonely. It hurt a lot but I don't know what to think or what to do. A part of me doesn't know if its worth to have any hope. It kills me to think he could be or find someone else. He still says he cares about me but that he still needs space and time to find himself.....
She broke up with his ex which is very good thing to me. I did the steps, I did 'no-contact' for 30 days. After that, i showed up. The bad things is, she had too much pain after broke up. She had so much problems that she lost her bestfriends because of her two face ex boyfriend. Should i give her space and leave her alone or should i be there and lend my 'ear'?
Be there for her. But don't show any signs of neediness. And let it be her idea to get back together.
Hi Kevin, I posted a comment on here a short while ago (I forget the date) but it hasn't shown up. Will I need to post it up again?
PS update, my ex did text me to a few days after the charity event to congratulate me. I replied to say thanks and congratulated him as well. Now nothing for several days, what shall I do next? Should I just go with the flow (and do nothing).
Thanks.
An update - I messaged him and we have chatted, mainly small talk and general things. He does come across a bit aloof although friendly and polite, but doesn't ask me questions - it's mainly me who is asking. Is this normal for an ex to behave like this? Or is it take things slowly...and go with the flow? Thanks.
It's quite normal. A good rule of thumb is that if he's cold, you should do NC again for a week or two and then get back in touch.
Thanks Kevin. He and I have chatted a bit more via text. Then this morning he said that this Saturday he is moving his stuff out of storage and taking it back home and he said he would like to drop the rest of my stuff off at mine as he moved out of the city (short term, to save money). I offered to help him and explained that because where I live is quite far and out of the way. He refused and was polite about it. I'm afraid that this means he wants me out of his life. A couple of days ago I added a few new male friends...and then this. How should I approach this? I'm a bit uncomfortable (and told him so) of him coming round to mine. I even suggested that I can pick it from him after work (he still commutes to work in the city). Thanks.
Sorry, wasn't clear...added a few new male friends on Facebook.
Hey Chloe,
Like I said before, give him some more time. Let him move to the other city. Do NC for 2-3 weeks and then try again. If he is still cold, then you should consider moving on.
P.s to add our mutual best friends got engaged yesterday and are having a BBQ next weekend. We will both be there and I haven't seen him in person for 5 weeks (by that point), only the text after 18 days. I'm worried he will bring his new gf and her child, but also how I'm meant to be. Regardless of whether she is there or not, what if He ignores me? I don't really know what I'm meant to do. I don't want to mess up any small chance I may have of getting back together with him IF this is a rebound :-/
I doubt he will ignore you. Just be cordial and don't have any conversations with him for more than 5 minutes. Have fun and treat him like an acquaintance.
Hello everyone.
I've read a lot of people's stories, my heart goes out to everyone going through this. Kevin, my situation is a little tough. We have been married 11 years and we have children together. The biggest problem I have is the no contact plan, because primarily the kids are with me. This is great, but presents a problem with NC. She comes by to see the kids, and usually texts me to see if they are awake or whatever. I can't ignore her when she's asking about kids. There are also times when I work late nights and she will come get the kids overnight. She is staying at her friends (female) house, she cannot afford a place big enough for her and the kids. Please, any help is greatly appreciated.
Hey Adam,
I've written about it in this article.
Hi Kevin, my ex and I were on and off for two years. We broke up in November because he said he wasn't ready for commitment. I made a lot of the mistakes, letting him turn up at mine, texting him back etc. he constantly played hot and cold. Recently I decided to do no contact. I went on one date and started to learn new things and improve myself. On day 18 he text me saying "party at yours I heard" as I was having friends round and it was on Facebook. I left it an hour then simply replied "heya, yeah got lots to celebrate. :-) have a good night". He didn't reply. That night I found out he was seeing someone. This was then made. "Facebook official" on Tuesday with the girl tagging him in a relationship. Five minutes later he removed it from his profile. It still shows on hers but as in a relationship, it doesn't say who with. I've gone back to starting the 30 days over. Do I still stand a chance with him? I'm 26. He's 23, so is his new gf. She also has a one year old child, which is confusing for me since he said he didn't want commitment and now he is seeing someone with family. I do now understand what the root cause of our break up was, and believe that if we started over fresh we could be even happier than before. He was my best friend and the first relationship I've felt I could be completely myself. Have I completely lost him, I don't understand why he contacted me. He would also have seen I went on a date as somebody made a comment on my Facebook. I'm worried I've lost him for good. Thanks in advance for your reply kevin
Hey Kirsty,
He is probably in a rebound. You haven't lost him. Good thing you decided no contact again. I think you have a decent chance.
Hello!
I came here newly single and looking for a way to get him back... a few months later, here I am, not wanting him back, not missing him, and having met someone far better for me. :-) I realized I didn't want him back, due in no small part to your emails. I went out and did things, started working on being happy by myself... and BAM! Stopped missing him and met a guy who treats me better and is pretty much everything I wanted that was missing from my last relationship. So thank you. It's been a pleasure.
~K
That's awesome Kirsti. I wish you best in your new relationship.
Hey Kevin. I finished my NC rule a few weeks ago and txted him a nice massage. Sadly he didn't message back but I didn't go into texting gnat mode. I decided to wait until June 6th to message him again. I'm a little nervous because I really have cleaned up my act since the break up and I'm worried that he really doesn't want to give me another chance. Believing and being patient is hard for me but your messages make me feel a little bit stronger everyday. Thank You. :)
Hi Kevin,
My ex has recently broken up with me after over 3 years of us being together, and nearly 3 years of us living together. I am 23 and he is 30.
We had our ups and downs, but most recently we had been having some amazing times, so this came as a total shock to me, and has made me hurt more than I thought was possible. He used the excuse that he is scared of my father, but I feel like he is hiding the actual reason from me. He has said that he never wants me to contact him again because he needs to learn how to get over me. I know that for now I need to give him his space and have a period of no contact, but should I respect what he has said and not ever get back in touch, or should I wait a suitable period and then contact him again?
I'm a much better person with him than I am without him, and want to get back this relationship, as I can't imagine ever feeling like this about anyone else, so I could really use some advice about whether I should or shouldn't contact him again in the future.
Thanks
You should send him the letter mentioned in the article after 45 days of no contact, despite of what he said.
Hey Kevin,
Its been a while since my last comment (May 21, 2014) and I need some more advice.
I subscribed to the @mails and they have helped me quite a bit so far. In one of the latest mails you mentioned the reasons why my girlfriend might have broken up with me and I have thought back to the time we spend together and I basically did all 4 things you shouldn't do(Acting Jealous, seeking approval, controlling and clingy) from the second date and after. But after hearing this it made perfect sense and I believe that the relationship could be absolutely great if I just grow a pair and be myself instead of someone who was willingly afraid of nothing. And the only reason I did any of those things is because This was my first relationship and I chose to be scared since I couldn't believe I managed to get a girlfriend and have someone who loves me.
She told me that it didn't feel right but she had no idea why. But knowing this I know that with all the stress she had at the time, me being unattractive was enough to push her over the edge and end the relationship
Now, It did help alot with making me feel better but now I'm worried that she won't give me a second chance since the relationship only lasted 3 weeks.
The no contact thing isn't really working either, we still talk for the project but since we share the same friend group we spend almost every break together and also talk on skype. I try to avoid talking to her but there are times when I can't do that.
Another problem is that my wisdom tooth is bad and needs to be removed. that needs to be done right after the project is done and basically makes me suffer for a week or 2. making the total silent time around 6 or 7 weeks. And she also goes on a holiday with her family for 2 weeks and I don't know the exact date but I think its around the time I recovered from my surgery.
In the end I don't want to ruin this relationship just because she's to stressed right now, me being an idiot and making myself an attention killer and finally having stitches in my mouth during the new date.
I would really like to know what I should do.
Hey Tim,
Don't worry about the stitches in your mouth. I doubt they will make much of a difference. However, like I said in my last comment, your chances are very less to begin with since she was never really invested in the relationship. In fact, I'll highly recommend you try to date other girls and start a relationship with someone else. If you've only been in one relationship, how can you be sure that it's the best one for you. The fact that you are trying to hold on to the relationship means that you still don't believe that you can find someone who loves you. It might not be in your conscious mind but I am pretty sure this thought is in your subconscious.
And the best way to change that belief is to start dating someone else and start another relationship.
hey my name is alex and i had a girlfriend for 1 year and she loved me that much that she would take a bullet for me and i was the only person she would say all the secrets to me she trusted me like her own family..we were so happy for 11 months but that last month we started to argue lot and then she started to be friends with this single girls that wanted her to be single and would take to hear year that she deserve better and all this... then she told me she wants to be friends just friends then i done the most stupid thing ever and i know im idiot for doing it i regret it so much i was thinking her to miss me i lied for 15 days that im over seas and would call her of private number and say how im in europe and she would cry every day over the fone how much she miss me and love me but then some how she found out that i was lying about it :( and now she is hurt so much she said that i broke her heart she has been in tears every day she was telling me that i was one person that she trusted so much and now i hurt her so much and now she thinks that i lie everything..but i was a man and admited that i was a fool for doing all that and that i have no excuse...i heard that she's been so upset every day and crying about how i let her down because she trusted me so much...but i really didn't mean to hurt her and to end this way she still loves me alot but told me this is the end and not ot contact her.....IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF GETTING HER BACK IN MY LIFE and how can i make her miss me????
You should follow the steps alex.
How do I unsubscribe? This is the first time that I've had an e-series before but I'm not completely sure about how to unsubscribe to one. I felt like I already messed up all of my chances with her, and I just plain give up.
I also looked in the FAQ section for it.. no luck.
Hey Gideon,
There's a link at the bottom of each email you get that says "unsubscribe". You can click on it to unsubscribe. For now, I've done it for you.
I'm really missing her right now, its different than from before, no longer that sharp pain that feels as if the red hot iron of a brand was being pressed against my very soul nor is it that feeling of a pit in my chest that would leave me with an emptiness inside deeper and more profound than the dark abyss of a black hole. This is something new, something that I've been feeling these past few days, it is an ache, one that seems to be ever present though changes in intensity, rising and falling with each hour, at times its as if it has vanished completely until it represents itself again.
i really liked your post Kevin. few issues with me as well. had a serious relationship for last one year. married guy with kids. he said he loved me. we were all the time on texts. same work place. since the very beginning he has a habbit of disappearing for no reason. i have to plead him evry time to come back. he is doing this again for last four months. i have tried every thing to get him back. he doesnt even bother to look at me now. after may be 30 msges he replies to one. he says he z just not in right frame, things are not in his control. he doesnt care at ll. he was never the caring sort. guide me please.
Follow the steps in the article Sam.
She broke up with me because im being overprotective, jealous and making rules on things that she wear and do. She told me 'Enough. I dont want it anymore' then i started panicking then after 2 days i texted her and asked her if shes mad on because of my actions. she told me that shes not mad then i asked if we can be friends and then she accepted it and then it told her if we can study at the library when the class starts and if she can promise me that we can still be in the future and she answered me 'Fred dont push yourself on expecting for me. No. i rather go home and no. I break up with you right? youve always wanted your rules to be followed." then i said sorry then she texted me "sorry too. You must know your limitations now" then after that i send her a message on fb that i wont bug her life just remember that i love you and i also asked her if we can be friends. she said yes. what should I do sir?
Follow the steps in the article.
Kevin,
This breakup has been especially painful for me. I know you suggested going out on other dates. I've already done so. I even spoke to dozens of new people online. I'm reading, writing, exercising. Getting checked out by the dentist and doctor. Pretty much the only thing to do is a new hairdo. My hair grows in too slowly. I'll have to deal with that later.
My ex's birthday happens to be in mid July so I might risk it. I reach 60 days of NC a few days after his bday. I figure there's no harm in trying anyway. My goal is to reach out to him on August 1. But if I get impatient, maybe a week or two sooner. Waiting too long wouldn't be ideal in our case since it was such a brief relationship. Besides, I am sick and tired of the baggage he gave me already.
hi
i start a friendship with a guy in 2009 everything start with a good friendship tnen we start a physical relation i thought friend with benefits its kind of relation i want bout after two years i fall in love with him and i think he did fall in love with me because he used to care for me be there for me .we were happy before me he used to had a GF his GF went to marry someone else after 5 years his ex GF come back he said he love her and he left me after few months he come back and he said he wanted to be with me i loved him so i excepted him back bout our relation its kind of on and off i told him i can not be friend with benefit for him anymore because i love him and that hurt my heart and soul if he love me and wanted to be with me we should visit our family introduce him to my family and i want to visit his family if he don't want to be with me we should end up because i cant be his friend with benefit then last night he send sms saying i dumped him i said to him i didn't dumped him i just told him how i feel my life has been destroyed i truly love him please give me some advise.
Hey Sarah,
You did the right thing. You should tell him you need some space and time and start no contact. He will probably contact you after a while.
Okay everyone, strange pet names you have called your exs before, lets hear them?
This is what I called my ex, "Bunny" or "Lil'Bunny"
It originated from her limited edition Playboy Bunny thong and bra set, my favorite!!!
Sturrling. With two 'R's.
Kevin,
Im not sure about the positive changes. I started going to the gym and i became slimmer. She noticed it before i went NC. I also alot better now that before. I feel confident and good now. Are tese postivi changes? I cant seem to have a drastic change in my life. So im kinda worried that nothing has changed in me. I hope to hear some advixe from you. Thanks.
PS: im having fun. Really having a great time with friends. Goin on vacation 3 times since i started NC. Always playing my sport. And always laughing with friends. I realized that this was my former self. Thi i s what i do before my ex came along.
But im just not sure if this is enough change. A lot can happen in 30 days. Maybe im just over thinking what i can do to change myself??
Need really good advice kevin.
Im almost there i know. Just final touches. Thankyou. :)
Yes, these are. And they'll definitely work to your advantage.
Kevin,
Just an update:
For me 30 days of NC are over and I delivered her the my hand written letter on Tuesday. She always praised my handwriting. No response yet. Not a surprise. My Facebook still blocked.
During these 30 days, I have changed a lot! Back to the shape when I met her first 9 month ago. Dropped about 25 lbs in last 2 months. She used to call me sexy boy. Going to gym 6days/week has changed my mentality a lot! I don't see her as a lot girlfriend but as someone I have crash on (maybe a bit more). Though there are a few moments that I still feel bad.
Also, during those 30 days I saw her 3 or 4 times in the gym. No words exchanged. Funniest thing is that every time I felt that someone is looking at me and it was her! But when I looked back at her, she changed her direction! I didn't chase her at all!!
Today, I saw her at our monthly group meeting. Well, no eye contacts from here side! At the end, it was 3 of us left and the session got over. I tried to break the ice by trying to talk to her but she tended to be flirty with the other guy who was closer to her. I said "see you later" to them and came out. I am 100% sure that she won't get attracted to that guy and that guy does not have balls to touch my girl (oh fuck, my ex).
Next week there is an appreciation day in the campus where I will probably meet her again (not sure)! But I am already ready with my new sets of clothes! Well, that being said, what do you suggest to do next? I have a feeling that she will ignore my text message. Well, when she does not respond to my "see you later" how can I expect her to respond to my text? More disgustingly, before the breakup by acting needy, I had made it easy or usual for her not to respond to my text messages.
Also, she works as a student employee and I can simply get to her office to ask for something as an excuse, simply to break the ice!
Your remark is truly appreciated Kevin!
Regards,
Dara
Kevin,
I just sent her a text message while attaching a picture of me in a dog park where she drove me to once and I said in the text, "guess where I was today. It reminded me of 23rd March, the day we had ice-cream together here"!
Lets see if she responses. I think she likes me but had made her mind to not respond to me!
Hey,
She is still holding a grudge against you and is trying to "win" the breakup (as evident by her flirting). I'll recommend another month or two of no contact before you try to contact her again.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your precise reply. In fact, she has won a lot of trophies when I became doormat in last 3 months of our relationship. But I am no more a loser! This time she underestimated me! I even believe that she underestimated me when she called for breakup the last time! I will "win" this last one! Thanks again!
Hey Kevin,
So I learned yesterday that she started a relationship with a woman. 38, 18 years older than her. She's in love and believes she found her soul mate. The woman in question was in an 8 year relationship with another woman her age. It's one of her "friends" that belonged to the "dog lovers" group of friends of hers. They started a relationship around the time she broke up with me. She had felt curiosity about girls before, but she also felt attracted to men. I don't know if this makes her a lesbian, or bi, or if it matters.
I am completely lost. I don't hate her for this, but I must say I don't know how to handle it. I was doing great, regaining all my strength and confidence, belief. I was cool with her seeing other people, and me being with other people. But I guess I wasn't prepared for this kind of closure. I find myself second guessing myself, doubting myself. All the memories now come back and I make connections I didn't see before. I don't know what to do Kevin, and I don't have the guts to talk about this to anybody around me. She doesn't know I know, and I don't plan on acting like I know.
I feel utterly defeated. This is something I don't know how to compete against.
I also know that although early in their relationship, they are already having quite a few fights. She's afraid to stand up to her because she feels in love and fears ruining it. The woman in question is known to be hard to handle and is very emotional. I don't know if that helps you knowing whether or not this is a rebound relationship.
This is probobly not as bad situation that you might think. If you broke up not long ago there is probobly a great chance she is in a rebound relationship niw. If shes been having thoughts about girls earlier this might be a way for her to try getting in touch with that part if herself so it might be more of experimenting. The fact that shes with an older woman that is more controlling from the sound of it, to me that signals that she wants guidens in this "experimenting" phase.
For a guy to get to grips with the possibility and accept the fact that our ex might start dating others while we try win her back is hard. And it will probobly sting in our heart no matter how prepared we feel.
But most of us probobly doesnt consider the fact that they might start dating girls and hence we arent ready to deal with that as much as them starting dating guys, and if they date girls that will make us think that we as guys are completly out of the game but that is irrational thinking.
Id say to you start working according to the 5 step plan. If shes in a new relationship, be cool about it and stick to the plan.
Hope it all works out for you.
Hey Carlos,
If that's the case, then you should try to accept it and move on in your life. It sucks that this happened to you. Hopefully, you will start feeling better with time. Although, there was a case similar to yours where the girl ended up coming back. However, she was quite young and I don't want to give you false hope. So, my advice to you would still be to concentrate on moving on. You can read about that case over here.
My ex broke up with me because he says his feelings changed. We're both 20 and have been together for nearly eight months. We had an amicable split and he has expressed his desire to remain friends. Of course, I'm not ready for this. However, due to his reason for breaking up with me, I'm having a hard time thinking he will change his mind. Do you think no contact will work?
Yes.
hello, I had a relationship for 1 year and 3 months, now it is a 1 month and 1 week over. In the beginning I really couldn’t let go my ex so I texted him a lot and he didn’t answer most of the times, just a week ago when I accepted that it is over he started telling me that just now he start feeling bad about the break up. We started texting a lot and we planned a meeting. Today we planned to see each other. Yesterday I went to a party and had sex (for the second time with some one else, my ex was my first) and my ex canceled our meeting, because it’s not the first time he cancels a meeting I was really mad and told him I had sex with some one else. Now is my question, have I screwed up my chances to get my ex back? Can some one please help me what to do? My ex is really mad now at me and blocked me on fb… and we had a relationship that was running hot and cold, so we had our break up’s often.
Telling him out of spite was not a good idea. But whatever happened is in the past. You still have a chance. You didn't do anything wrong. He broke up with you. You had all the right in the world to do that. Start no contact. It'll give him some time to let go of his anger.
Thanks a lot kevin! I really appreciate that you take the time to read my story!
After a few heavy messages today ( both threatening a few times that we never will talk again to each other) we both agreed to do normal again. We are just friends now. Seemed that he can't imagine his life without me :D And can’t hold out the no contact rule, tried once and only hold it out for 5 days…
Hi, Kevin!
It's me again. I wrote here because I'm feeling kinda lonely and sad and depressed and needy. We were bestfriends for 5yrs and a couple for 2yrs within that 5yrs. She broke it off and then she said there is no possibility for reconciliation. I got needy and desperate because whatever she says, she does.It's been a month since we broke it off. The first time she broke it off to me i asked if there's possibility of getting back together, she said yes there is chance. But I messed upbecame needy because I badly need an explanation as to why. Then she gt mad and eversince i have been asking her if there is a chance, she says NO. And she only wants me as friend. Ny problem here is I don't know if I shall hope and wait because she reasoned out that she no longer loves me because we always fight. She says the feeling is no longer there so there is no sense trying another chance.
I haven't done the NC rule. I can't even do it for a week. Kevin, I am afraid to do so since she no longer loves me. She might just move on and i think it will be fine with her if we don't talk for a month. I'm afraid i may lose ny chances if i do NC for 30days. I don't know what to do. I don't know if i should try harder or just walk away.
Hi Raed,
Sorry to interfere but I read your story and I was feeling lonely and depressed etc... myself but took time out and pampered myself instead lol... I think you're smothering her with lots of questions and calls and texts all the time, the NC is great to give her space to miss you and give you time to prove to yourself you CAN do without her... I know it's hard I'm going through a tough time myself so good luck to us both
Hi, Rihanna!
Hey, I think I'm making friends in this site. Haha. Thankyou! Yes, it's tough but somehow we know it's worth it. There aretimes when I can manage all by myself then there will be times I will feel weak and needy. Maybe that's just normal, right?
Thnk you! We can do it! <3
Hi Raed,
Yes, it feels normal in my case too. At times I'm feel blase' about the situation and other times I feel heavy in the heart and wish I could cry (like tears will almost come out but hardly ever will) - that is until they do... awful feeling! I don't feel needy or like contacting him but I have fear of being an independent adult, doing things completely on my own, and moving on... I can't wait to prove to myself that I can do life by myself and ward off this 'fear' feeling which has accompanied me all my life... Good luck with getting what you want, we can do this and survive it too ;)
Hey Raed,
It's not a problem if she is fine with not talking to you for a month. In fact, let her realize that she doesn't need you in her life. You should realize the same. You are keeping in touch with her right now. Do you really think it's making her realize that she needs you in her life? You are just slowly becoming a nuisance in her life. By keeping in touch with her, you can only become someone she is USED TO having in her life. But by applying no contact, you have a chance of becoming someone SHE WANTS IN HER LIFE.
Kevin,
Hey you are right! I haven't realize that for a while! I haven't thought that whenever I make myself present and available to her, I'm jjst doing her a favor and I'm being unfair to myself. I should do the NC so that she'll be the one to want me in her life.
But Kevin, she lost a relative. She called me and she was crying and telling me she just needs someone to talk to. I've decided this week that I shall do the NC rule. But should I be insensitive when she needs someone to talk to since she lost a relative? I am planning to do the NC a week after. Or should I just ignore her?
Thanks!
You don't have any responsibility to provide emotional support to her since she broke up with you. Still, if you want, you can start no contact after a while. You can always tell her you need space and time before starting no contact so that she will know that you are doing it for your own mental health and you are not just being insensitive.
Thank you so much, Kevin!
Hi, Kevin and friends!
I've been so affected lately ad a bit, not just a bit but a lot tired. I think i should just quit it with her already. Thanks for all the help! I'll still be visiting here to check on you guys.
XOXO
Hey RAED,
I wish you best in your life and I am sure you will find love again and a great relationship that I know you deserve.
Raed,
If you really want your ex back. you have to muster all the strenght you have and bravely start NC. Its not so bad. I know u have tried everything and nothing is working. I made that mistake too. Youre just ruining your image to her if you continue to cling on her. Apply the plan. Its the only choice you have.
I wish you the best. You can overcome this.
Daniel,
Hey, man! Yes, i want her back. There are times when I just play it cool being alone but there'll be times when i feel emotionally unstable and do the most stupid things :( then regret it after. Yes, it's not just kinda hard but it is so hard. I need a lot of self-control and discipline.
I've known you've been doing good and enjoying yourself lately. Thanks, man! :)
Hey Raed,
This NC thing is really great! Though I sent her a letter and a text message, its about 37 days that I did not show my neediness to her! To keep me mellow I go to gym 6 days per week. I truly can't imagine myself 40 days ago when I bombarded her emails and text message but she did not respond to me! Now, I ask myself "was it really me?" Unfortunately, it was me! There is something that makes me laugh now: I asked a girl friend who is usually in trouble with her boyfriends and she told me to call her until she replies!! Now I understand why she is usually in trouble!!
Anyway, I still miss my ex, I still feel change in my heartbeat if I see her, but I am no more mad about her! I have more control over my feelings! Much more!! just wait for at least 30 days and you'll see the changes in you!!
Dara,
Hey! I'm glad you are doing real good! I'm having a hard time because I needto study for a bar exam so I can't go out frequently to enjoy myself and it's a burden for me to review and to think of her. I'm still feeling depressed at times but no longer the needy one I was before.
I'm looking forward to the day when I will be back to my oldself before I met her. It's exciting and thrilling at the same time! Inow have more courage to do the NC rule. Thank you, man!
We can do this! :)
Dara,
Hey i re-read this message of yours. I've been acting so creepy ang clingy i can't help. I want this shit out of my system. It's been a month since we became on and off but it's just really 15days since the official breakup. Am i crazy for acting as such?
Raed,
I am a PhD student. She broke up with me just 10 days before my exams! At first I thought I am dead! But Whenever I was about to think of her, I just opened my books! Everyday I changed my study place because the last day's place reminded me of my thoughts that I had of her yesterday. Guess what! The results of my exams were the biggest inspiration for me for a new life!
About getting my fitness back, it feels so good! Girls tend to be flirty with me now! Yesterday, I felt sad because I thought who the hell goes to gym on Friday nights and Sundays? You know what? Yesterday just out of blue, I met a woman who was blunt enough to say that she wants to sleep with me every night. I am going to meet her tonight! I think this was the last thing I needed to get my lost confidence totally back!
This 30 or more days of NC tells you to "Chill down you mad bull! Chill Down!!" Good luck to one and all: Raed, Daniel, Rihanna and everyone else!
Dara,
Wow! Hats off, man! Haha. But about that girl will you sleep with her? I think Kevin says to date or hang-out but to sleep with, is it included?
You are one lucky man! :)
Hey Raed,
I don't recommend getting into a serious relationship. If you are OK with casual sex and so is the person you are sleeping with, I don't see any harm in it.
Dear Kevin and everyone,
Some things in this whole 'get your ex back' formula is bit worrying because: If anyone can get their exes back how do I know he's over his previous relationship? even though he's always told me he's never ever felt this deep love or that level of attraction that he has for me with anyone else, how do I know he's over his other relationship? Does that mean he can also go back with his previous ex of 4 on-and-off years (though he said he never loved her but just liked her and she was good to settle down with)? Also, in my situation I don't think it's loss of attraction or loss of love that we parted, he's always told me I'm beautiful and I'm happy with my looks, my level of education, and the fact that we have so many things in common that I've helped him grow in his work and he in mine etc... The last thing he said to me before I hopped on the plane was 'I love you' but then he went completely silent and depressed and I want to know why he's ignoring me and not others, as I check his 'last seen' on whatsapp and he's on there everyday? He feels embarrassed that he lost his money but it is ridiculous to shut me out and become depressed about it. So, the big question is: Do you think his big ego and stubbornness will ever allow him to talk to me again?
Hey Rihanna,
Not everyone can get their ex back. If someone is in a healthy, stable, loving relationship; they probably won't leave it for an ex. A rebound relationship is not a healthy, stable relationship. Which is why it's easier to get your ex back if they are in a rebound. As for his ego, I have seen a lot of exes with big egos wanting to not only talk, but get back with their exes.
Thank you Kevin, you have no idea how much your comments have been great support for me. I check the whatsapp 'last seen' often and he's on there every day but he's ignored all my previous messages the ones I sent prior to starting NC, so how come he's only ignored my texts? I have hidden my 'last seen' since I started NC so that I'm really lost in his world and he's hardly ever on FB but only to post his work so we are in no contact at all. Also, since he's supposedly depressed should my 'something reminded me of you text' show him that I'm happy and moved on or would I come across as someone who stopped caring about his illness altogether? I'm thinking of messaging him for the first time on July 13 cos it will be a year since we had that amazing 9 hour day very similar to the movie 'Before Sunset', and it was the first time we met so at least we had great connection, would anything to do with that day be a good 'something reminded me of you' text? Thanks heaps, I can't wait to see him again I'm very upset with him and his attitude I want him to suffer chasing me before I go back to him... I think i'm on the right track thanks to you.
If his depression is severe, I don't think the type of text you send will really matter to him. Although, make sure you include a question at the end of the text asking him how he is. But the text you suggested seems fine to me.
Thanks for the reply. So, you think whatever my text is he'll just ignore it anyway? even if it's personal and filled with great memories? I'm very disappointed and angry at his attitude and often wonder if I can live with a person who switches off like that, all of a sudden! But my only hope is that he's agreed for a career change and to keep what he's doing as a hobby. On another note, I've received some good news and not sure whether to tell him the "I have something to tell you, I'll share it with you later and I hope you'll be happy for me"... My poems are being published in USA (not in my country lol) and he's been one of very few supporters of my work (parents don't support what doesn't reward with lots of money, sadly) and since we've met we've always been influencing each other in the arts except I'm new and he's a well known artist... I'm not sure whether sharing this news would make him happy for me at this stage (usually he'd be over the moon) but with his depression the news might backfire and remind him that he's unable to work and he's had to cancel his exhibition because of his shoulder? Anyway, I'm very confused because my situation is different. I know he's not out there having fun etc... and perhaps me coming across as 'too happy' I might come off as bit insensitive? And what do I do when he doesn't reply to my message? I really need your insight on this and how I can reclaim what we had... I've only been in 2 relationships, one with zero intimacy and connection and him, and I'm not the type to jump from one relationship to another, I think it's disgusting! (lol, sorry personal views).
PS: Yes those are great movies and the third one which came out early this year entitled: 'After Midnight' is the third of the trilogy, I do recommend :)
Thanks heaps Kev
Hey Rihanna,
I am not sure if he'll ignore it. I meant that the content wouldn't really matter that much. If he is in a state of mind to reply, he will reply regardless of the content. If he replies to your original text, you can go ahead and tell him about the news. There is a risk that it might backfire. But then again, it might cheer him up. Yes, it might be a little insensitive if you come across as too happy. You should keep the conversations with him neutral. If he doesn't reply, you should wait another two months.
Also, I know you are trying to hold on to this relationship. But I want you to start considering the possibility that it might not work. You have already invested a lot of your time in this relationship. And you are investing another 6 months with the hope that he might want to get back together when he comes out of his depression. If things don't work out, you might regret spending so much time hoping for him. Or it might have the reverse effect and you might be unwilling to give up even though there's no hope; simply because you have invested so much time and you will feel like it would go to waste if you give up.
What I am trying to say is, have a backup plan. Be prepared for the worst. In fact, you should even consider dating during these 6 months.
Also, two more questions: 1- Do you think he's thinking of me and of the time we had even though he's ignoring me?- from a guy's point of view; and 2- Do you think he'll realize his losses and want to rekindle this relationship? Is there a chance?
I everyone, Hi Kevin,
I saw my psychiatrist today, made some adjustments to my medications, upped the dosages and changed the times at which I take them so that should help and we should see the changes in a few days so that is pretty good, an extra step on my way to Zach 2.0, I also discussed my problem with her and she suggested using the letter as well so I've decided to do it. As for my problem with her living with her parents that could present difficulties, especially her if dad decides to be a dick and read her mail and that might be really bad because it mentions some of our more explicit activities several times which for some reason I don't think that would go over so well with him haha. Anyways to combat that problem I'm wondering if its okay to take a small risk and just tell her that I dropped a letter off in her mailbox or is that too risky? It would be quick and to the point, I would only tell her about it and ask her to read it and that it would mean a whole lot if she would, and I guess if she says something to suggest not then I can take a leap of faith and say if what we had ever meant anything to her would she please read it and also I would tell her that its not an attempt to get her back but an explanation of what happened as well what I'm doing to get better. I have decided that it is best for me to take a step back and I tell her this in my letter that I am dedicated to beating my bipolar and I mention that I'm not doing it for her but for myself but I do tell her that I should actually thank her for ending things between us even though it went bad because it has finally forced me to take this stand against my bipolar and that this mess was the final straw and I'm no longer going to let this thing ruin my life. I hope by saying that which is the truth will create that rapport I have been looking for, to show that I finally except the breakup and I'm bettering myself. I also addressed some of the things her friend has said that I don't want her to believe and it is really important to me that she knows that nothing of what she has said is true so I basically brought up moments in our relationship that would prove her accusations wrong. Its important to me that she knows that because she deserves so much more than to believe the things her friend is saying, even though what she is saying is meant to degrade me as a person and not my ex Cianna, it still does because by saying stuff like I was only interested in getting laid, that can harm Cianna's sense of self worth to believe that is all she was worth to me and she already has a problem seeing how beautiful and amazing she is. Does that make sense? And finally as the last part of my letter I want to tell her that if she's up for it, if she will allow me to show her that I am better when I am ready to do so. So I'm not really asking for her friendship back, but instead I'm asking for an opportunity to earn a chance at rebuilding our friendship. I have a feeling that it might work because even when we had our fight she didn't deny all the good times we had and recognizes that when it was good, it was really good. It was just that the occasional bad time was to much to handle with all the other things she has to deal with. But I'm hoping that if she understands that once I'm better and learn to control myself when I get really upset, then she will see that there wont be any more bad times and it will only be good. So Kevin and anyone else who has an opinion or advice on this, I would appreciate it, I really want to know if this is a possible course of action? But I also want to stress how important to me that she knows that her friend is wrong, and even if I have no chance at getting her back I want her to know that.
Thanks everyone!
Oh and P.S.
My psychiatrist said I should possibly do something nice to go with it but she mentioned flowers which I know is not a good idea, but I thought something simple and meaningful but also is very inconspicuous that I could do is throw in a couple sketches that are of good times we had, for instance there was this day that we spent together and for some reason it was a big thing and a defining moment where we both came clean and told each other that we still had strong feelings for each other, this was while she was in the end stages of her relationship with her ex, but anyways what I was thinking is that I could sketch a picture of a guy and a girl walking on the rails of a train track because we went out behind her neighborhood that day through the woods and we spent time just talking on the track and there was this one moment that I think we both realized what was happening. The reason I think a sketch would work is because we both enjoy drawing and also I haven't drawn anything in a while and she knows that and I think that it might indicate that I'm getting back to the way I was when we met. I'm pretty good a drawing and I really specialize in drawing reality so I can make it look almost like an old photo.
Any input on this?
Hey Zach,
I won't recommend that you put this much detail in the letter. Like I said in the article, keep it short and leave a lot of things to the curiosity. This will give her an incentive to get back in touch with you. If you make it too much detailed, it'll make it look like you still care what she thinks about you and that means you probably still want her back. I don't see any problem with the sketch though. There's a sample letter in the 10th email. Use that format. It's much more effective in getting your ex to get back in touch with you.
Thanks again Kevin,
I took a look at it but I think in my particular situation that I at least need to give some sort of explanation for why I acted the way I did don't I? And because the issue was with me and how I acted, shouldn't I let her know that I'm dedicated to getting better? And lastly, what about the very end, is it okay to ask her for the opportunity to show her that I'm better when I'm ready to do so, but also mention that I'm still not yet and it may take some more time? With the way she is, I don't know if she would contact me or not, that's why I wanted to specifically tell her that I'm doing everything to get better so that she knows if she does decide to contact me, she will know that there will only be good times. What do you think?
And one last thing,
This is not necessarily to get her back as my girlfriend but to open her up to the idea of being friends. I'm on deaths door remember, I have to earn her friendship back first before I can win her back as a girlfriend. So how does that effect the letter?
Hey Kevin,
I was wondering if I could email a draft of my letter to you and if you could give it a once over and let me know what you think, that would be great. Is that something you would do? If I did I would send it by tonight and need a reply before Monday, I know its a really short notice but I would like to have it in her mailbox by Monday, so that just in case she responds very well to it she has the opportunity of a few days to approach me face to face at school. I hope she does respond well and does approach me so that I can have that heart to heart conversation and tell her that I am taking some time to take care of myself and get better, and that when I am, if shes open to it, if we could give our friendship another shot. I would also explain to her what was happening to me that day and so she understands what it was exactly, and that once I am better what happened will be a thing of the past and it wont happen again. And if you could let me know what you thought of my responses to your response of my post above, that would be awesome? Also if it is at all possible, could you let me know about the email, whether or not you can do it?
Thanks Kevin, I really appreciate all that you have done for me over the past month.
Hi Kevin,
I will keep my post as short as possible. My Ex and I lived together for 4 years. As far as I was concerned we were happy, loved each other very much, got along well and rarely argued. About 2 weeks ago completely out of the blue, no fighting or anything going on, he tells me that he no longer feels as he did for me before and was moving out. That he just needed to be by himself. I've asked multiple times if there was someone else and he denies it vehemently. Says he doesn't want to be with anyone. I panicked! and even though I know it's not right I looked thru his email and found out he has been getting to know someone from work for a while now and they have been out together basically since the day he moved out. Probably before but I have no proof of that. He is still denying that he's going out with someone ( he came by yesterday to pick up his stuff and I asked again) I love him very much and want him back. I've read your post on the 5 steps and signed up for your daily emails. I'm planning on beginning 30 days No Contact tomorrow. Would love to hear your thoughts on my specific situation. Also wondering if along with the no contact rule I should remove him from all my social media like Facebook, foursquare...) Thanks!
You have a good chance of getting him back. I doubt he left you for her. It's more likely that he was planning to breakup anyways towards the end and he started getting to know someone just so he doesn't have to be alone after the breakup. Follow the steps. There's no need to remove him from facebook unless you are obsessing over his facebook.
Thanks I will continue the NC and update back in 30 days. Hopefully things work out.
So I've started reading Relationship Rewind and I'm a bit confused. This is a book you recommend on your website but Ryan clearly states that the "No Contact" is an obsolete method that should not be used since it won't fix anything. This is contrary to what you recommend so should I continue with my No Contact? I'm only on day 2. Please advise. Thanks.
Hey Rosalyn,
I agree, NC doesn't fix anything. That's why it's important to get back in touch after NC. However, after a messy breakup, NC is important because it'll give you the time and space to regain your composure and realize whether or not you should get back with your ex. Also, Ryan does recommend no contact if you are in the Death's door stage of relationship. In your case, I'll recommend you do no contact for a while and then use the tactics in relationship rewind to get back in touch.
Hey Kevin,
Just an update on my situation. It's past the 30 days of limited contact (due to shared responsabities otherwise it would've been complete NC but only through texts no face to face) and I've managed to work on myself. Focused in school, got a haircut, new clothes, tanned and even managed to lose 8lbs by eating healthier. That time helped me better myself and calm down. I'm no longer clingy and needy but this time has also helped me see that I really do love and want my ex back. I believe we could be very happy if I could spark that "in love" feeling he said he lost. I've contacted my ex and we met up for coffee this past Thursday. Things went well, we talked for over 2 hours and he even complimented me on
my new outfit. We also made plans to meet up on Monday to go to Universal Studios with my daughter since we bought annual passes less that 2 weeks before the breakup. We had a good time there as well. Here's my issues, I figured things would go well during those encounters since we always got along no matter what and there was no animosity during the breakup. Also, he has made no mention about the girl he's been seeing. I don't know what to make of it. Should I ask if him during casual conversation if he's seeing someone? I'm not sure what my next move should be. How should I proceed to make sure things move on towards the a relationship rather than get stuck in the friendzone. Should I wait for him to make the next move or is it ok for me to continue initiating contact for things other that bills and mutual responsabities? Please advice! Thanks!
Kevin,
Correct me if im wrong. But from what i learned here. Basically being an ex is working on our advantage because we attracted them once we can attract them again because we had a chemistry together. Plus the memories and the lenght of the relationship. We need NC because we need time and space both so i can fix myself to be ready to confront her. And for her to sort out the emotions in her. We need to be calm and stable again. Doesnt matter if the feeling is gone because we are gonna start a new relationship anyway. This is my insight. Do i get the picture right? Thanks.
Hi, Dniel!
This is what I'm getting too. But as Kevin had said, it's not 100% effective because who knows what's really going through our exes mind. It might work and it might not. In the end, the answer is really on our exes' hands.
Raed,
You are right. All we can do is hope for the best. Im not gonna give up as long as i can.
Goodluck to us!
Hi, Daniel.
I'm losing hope. I dkn't know why. Mood swing maybe. Eversince we broke it off I'm emotionally and psychologically disoriented. I hate this feeling. I don't knw if I should try harder or just walk away. Because if she won't take me back then she might have moved on because she's contented with us being friends and I might be left hoping. Damn.
Hey raed,
I also feel the same sometimes. But keep in mind that you have to be strong if you want her back. That alone gives me strenght. Also start NC. And empower and rebuild yourself. You will realize a lot of things during NC. Keep the hope.
Goodluck!
Yes, Daniel. You got it right.
hi Kevin,
I had a breakup with my ex gf last week. She told me she is liking someone else. We are in different cities for quite a long. I really love her. I have been applying no contact rule for just about 2-3 days. My gf started to call me. She texted me for which I did not answered. Nor received call. But on third day, she called me from an unknown number which i accidentally received & then had to talk to her. She just asked me to confess that I am not talking to her, for which I said that yes, I do not want to contact you for sometime. Later, on IM chat she told me that she is very satisfied with my answer now. It's been few days now, But with this I think I have made mistake & she doesn't calls me any more. Should I contact her?. What is the right thing to do right now..? Please guide?
It's good that she is not calling you anymore and she respects your need for time. Continue no contact for another 30 days. Follow the steps.
Hi Kevin
I posted a comment (well more like a long story) here yesterday and I can't find my comment or the reply. Please help, I miss him and I don't know if I'm making a mistake and pushing him away by not seeing him anymore. I want to know if there's a way I can get him back without NC for 30 days. If I go 30 days without talking to him, what if he realizes he can do it too and decides that it means he doesn't care about talking to me?
Hey Haley,
It's OK even if he realizes that he can live without you. You should realize that you can be happy without him too. The reason he will want to get back with you should not be because he can't live without you. It should be because you make him happier and he prefers to live a life with you.
Thank you, Kevin. I think that's very insightful and to me makes perfect sense. But I know he's said before that he thinks when you really love someone, it's not just someone you want to be with but someone you can't live without. Granted it was a year ago he said this, so do you think there's a good chance he would forget that idea and miss me if I stopped talking to him for 30 days or feel hurt and betrayed and make up his mind he doesn't want to be with me?
It seems my first comment isn't here so I'll fill you in on what happened. I'm 18 and he just turned 19, we were together for a year and a half and as close as two people could be, best of friends, and were very happy. Then this September he started school again for the year and this year I wasn't in school with him, and his job worked him most nights after school and I also got a new job so we started to see eachother less. Then at the end of January he said he feels that we are incompatible or that our traits don't match up (he means personality, sense of humor, ideas) and that he thinks we "won't work out after a while". I think a lot of our ideas/ values match up mostly and the rest doesn't matter to me and we'll change a lot over the years given our ages but he didn't think the same way. But then he says he doesn't want to lose me and didn't want to end the relationship. I ended it for my own good even though I didn't want to, because I didn't want to be with him if he felt that way.
We've still been texting every day just as we always have and occasionally seeing eachother until a month ago after there was some awkwardness last time we saw eachother and he asked to see me another time and I told him I didn't want to see eachother anymore aside from events or being with our mutual friends. We've only spent time together once since then which was to go with a friend of mine to prom and he was my date. It seems he wants to see me, he made a comment a couple weeks ago saying I could "come with him sometime" to this gym he suddenly started going to. And 2 days ago he out of the blue asked me if I was working that day, which he never does but then he didn't ask to see me.
I don't know how to change his mind about us and give it another try. I've tried telling him I don't need or want a marriage proposal anytime soon or anything, but I didn't want to be with him if he thought there was no prospect of that someday. And that I thought we were doing fine and maybe things have just gotten a little stale because the relationship is no longer new and we don't see eachother much. Or I think he might just be really stressed from school and work and trying to graduate. But anytime I try to talk to him about this stuff, he essentially has nothing to say or he'd ask to see me later and then we'd just hang out.
What are your thoughts on this?
Haley,
I think he is having the Grass is greener syndrome. He is young and probably wants to explore his options. I suggest you do no contact. Tell him you both need some space and time. Let him realize what he wants on his own. If he chooses to pursue other relationships, accept and move on with your life.
Kevin
Could be. I'm actually his first girlfriend and first "love" for lack of a better word. I'm almost certain there are no other girls but he's sending mixed messages as far as his feelings for me go though.
Last night I had a bad night at work and asked if he would meet me in an hour. He said yes and even showed up early from celebrating his friends birthday at the movies, so he waited a half hour for me. And it was already 9:30 which is later than he ever wants to be out on school nights. He also said he was ready to go home after the movie but then he saw my text and met me. And he'd even check the time and go "Nah, I could stay longer" even though it was a little awkward. I started crying when I delved into what happened at work but what struck me was he didn't come sit on the other side of the table with me to hold me like he would have before. But then when we're leaving and I tell him it was nice to see him he said he's glad he waited for me.
Should I talk to him one last time before starting NC to ask him if he still likes me or specifically what he likes about me (mind trick to make him think about what he likes about me)? Or leave that out and just tell him what you suggested about us both needing space and time- also do I tell him it's for 30 days or not say anything about that part?
I'd like to add I'd only be asking him what he likes about me to give it one last shot before I tell him I think we both need space and time. If he decides he sees enough good in me and wants to try again then great. But if he's on the fence about whether or not he wants to be together I could then suggest we take some time and think about it (30 day NC).
Thank you for your advice
Sure, go ahead. However, you should be aware that even if you do get him back with his last try, there is a good chance he will leave again because he will still be curious about what's out there.
kelvin,
its been 2 months my gf (21) broke up with me (23). Now im over my NC period and i even started to text with her.. though those text msg she sent to me was kinda cold. but still we did manage to talk for certain while. But during the chat, she was telling me that even if i had did those stupid things, she has no feelings on me for such a long time already. she also said that it is good that u change but if its for me all i can say is that its too late... somehow i realize that our past makes some impacts for my life as it just make me worse... kelvin what can i do now ??
by any chance do i still able to get her back?
Do NC for another week and text her again. This time, keep the conversation light and don't talk about your changes. To be honest, your chances look slim.
Kelvin,
Wad should I write on the text? Chances are slim?? Is there any other ways I could get back to her again?
Hey Sean,
You can use another one of the examples in the article. Or, if you have relationship rewind, there are a lot of texting examples in it. I say your chances are slim because she is honest about her feelings and she has just been cold towards you. You can still try, but you should set a time limit for yourself (like 2-3 months). If things don't work out by then, you should concentrate on moving on.
So in my previous comment I want some clarification. Do you think I should send an email in the format of the magic letter, or just a regular old email or text message?
I appreciate the help! Without your advice, I probably would have annoyed her to death by now. No contact has helped me make myself a better man.
Also is it bad if she didn't contact me at all during the no contact time?
No, it's not.
If you want to send the magic letter (which I recommend), do it by email. You also have the option to skip it and go directly to the text messages.
Kevin,
I just heard about her from her sister. They had a conversation over he phone. Her sister asked her about us and her lovelife. My ex answered that she doesnt know and still confused. She feels like she just eant to be friends with everyone. Does this statement mean anything and hinder my plans for further progress?
May be she isbt prioritiZing having a relationship?
Thanks.
Doesn't change anything. Don't over-think it. The fact she is confused is a good sign.
For everyone. I hope this motivates and inspire you during NC.
http://www.powerfulintentions.org/m/discussion?id=1335877%3ATopic%3A1146126
My boyfriend of six and a half years broke up with me end of April. We are both 22, turning 23 this summer/fall. This past year he was living 40 minutes away for school and hockey, and we didn't see each other as much because I work at a bar therefore working a lot of weekends. He told me a few days before he ended it that he was thinking about leaving me but he "didn't want to be done yet" and "didn't want to hurt me." He ended up breaking up with me the night he moved back home for the summer, saying his reasoning was that he didn't want to be an "absentee boyfriend" meaning he was going to be very busy training this summer for hockey. But after six years together, I already knew he is busy in the summertime with training and we have made it work before. He said I deserved someone who could spend a lot of time with me and that I needed to experience life without him and branch out. Of course I was all very confused and later he ended up saying that he lost feelings for me over the last 8 months while he was at school, because I didn't come visit as often as I should have. Even though we talked every day, he said that he felt very alone and after some time he started having more fun with his teammates and friends and it got to a point where he liked being "alone" more than be liked being in a relationship with me. He said he "just wants to be friends" and that he is moving on and suggests I do the same. At first when he first ended things he said "I don't want to say it's over for good, I just need alone time" but now he is saying he doesn't think he will come back and that he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore, and he is being very cold. His words were "I don't want to 100% rule out us being together again but I don't really see myself coming back." But whenever he says that, he will always add "but I don't know what will happen in a few months." I made the mistake of being the needy, desperate ex over the last few weeks, mainly because the break up felt like it was out of no where and I was in such shock. I would go a few days without texting him then just bombard him with texts. We haven't talked in three days and I plan on going the month of June with no contact so I can focus on myself. I feel like part of him wants to see me branch out and go out and do things with friends. I would really love to have a relationship with him again, though. His family is devastated and his friends are all shocked about the break up. Any advice you can give on this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Hey Rachel,
I think you should follow the plan and you have a good chance of getting him back if you do so.
Hi Kevin,
I had gone over a week with no contact and we ended up texting yesterday and at first it was really nice and casual, but then my emotions took over and I guess you could say I started "begging" again. My ex eventually said he's not coming back and that he's been pushed to the point of no return. Oh how I wish I could undo this. I knew it wasn't helping anything but I still continued to do it. I plan on going no contact again for much longer, through June like I originally planned, but what would your advice be on this? Do you think I ruined it for good? Right now it seems that way but I'm not sure what it might be like after going a long time with no talking and he maybe removes these negative associations with me.
My ex is VERY stubborn. He doesn't like to admit he's wrong or when he's made a mistake. I've definitely pushed him further away by pushing him to get back together. By saying I think there's hope for us, he might have taken it as me telling him that he's wrong and making a wrong decision which is why he's getting so hateful and stubborn saying he's not coming back. After I go through no contact again, I'd like to email him asking if he wants to meet for coffee to catch up. We haven't seen each other since the end of March, the last time I went to visit him at school. What is your advice? I know trying to appeal to him logically isn't going to get me the reaction I'm looking for, but I'm not sure now to get the reaction I'm looking for.
Hey Rachel,
I think you should restart NC from the time you last contacted him. Also, I'll recommend you send him the letter mentioned in the plan before inviting him to coffee.
Hi Kevin,
I finished a 30+ day no contact period, and reached out to my ex this past weekend (together for about 1.5 years). For a few days, we casually had friendly texts (kept light with "haha"s). Then, she said something to the extent of: "it's great we can be friendly, I'm glad for that, however I'm not sure if there is a motive behind this". I ended the chat positively saying I'm just being friendly, which is genuinely true. She ended her final messages with smiley faces, and happy that I'm doing well.. I reciprocated the feelings, with a possible catching up in the coming weeks.
I'm making big, positive changes to get away from the needy, desperate, clingy boyfriend she knew. It's been wonderful to feel these changes!!
What are your thoughts on how to proceed, or what my next step is?
Other info: We were taking a "break/purgatory" (her idea) a month before the final break-up. We will be back in college together in 2 months after her summer job concludes.
Take things slowly. Let it be her idea to get back together. She will probably feel attracted to you again when you guys meet and start hanging out.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks again! Would you recommend NC for another week or two before I reach out again (if she doesn't contact me)? Since we wont see each other for 2 months, I'm not sure if contacting her sporadically over the summer is a good idea or not... I'd like to keep the conversations light and friendly of course. I'd want her to sense the changes I'm making, before she sees them!
It might be a good idea to keep in touch during summer. If she doesn't contact you, you should do NC for another week or two.
Hello,
Well I sent her an email 34 days later and we started to talk again for about 3 weeks and also saw each other for about 2 weeks. She said they broke it off because they were having problems. she started being funny after the 3rd week and she wanted some space from me and be alone. come to find out she had contacted him and started to see him again and didn’t want to be mean and hurt my feelings. I found out on my own (gut feeling) he doesn’t know she was seeing me or talking to me, if was to find out he would seriously cut her off for good because he already was having trust issues while they were trying to work it out because he was afraid she would look for me (she told me all this BTW)
we considered ourselves friends with benefits as she called it. But now it’s nothing and she went back, she said she loved him still and is not in love with me, but yet she still came back. She is not blocking me this time and I am not calling her except when I need to talk to her about business or something important that does not have to do with us......
well, I am starting to realize to let her be completely and just let her go......I can see they will continue to have issues since they always did for the 5yrs they were together and also the 2yrs she was with me (remember she kept running to him when we had problems) I am just worn out and tired of this ......as I mentioned to you I am 41 and she is 27 so I need to just figure out my next step and see where my faith is going with Gods will. Should I reach out to him and let him know what happen what she was doing? He has never contacted me so I would feel a little stupid and lesser man then him if so, what do you think? They say Karma is a B^%$ ch and it comes out later.....
What do you think Kevin about all this?
Hey,
That's a tricky question. There relationship is probably not going to work out regardless of whether you contact him. If you are absolutely sure you don't want her back, then there's no harm in contacting him. Of course, you should be prepared for a shitstorm from your ex after that.
Hello Kevin,
Well I don’t know what will happen; I don’t want to have all that stress in my life and also don’t need drama. As I mentioned to you he has never contacted me for anything at all. I don’t want to make myself out to be the lesser man and a Puss.
She always said "if it’s meant to be then it will happen, God's will is stronger than anything" she meant if her and I were to be together again.
I just don’t understand why she keeps staying with this guy and loves him when he has not asked her to marry him and they were together for 5yrs and known each other 7yrs (two of those yrs she was with me). As I mentioned to you in previous blogs that they have never lived together, her and I did for those two yrs.
Only time will tell what will happen, not much I can do. I don’t want her to hate me either, even though she hide me for those 3wks. but I have always been the bigger person, even though she said she loves him and not me, I always stood my ground and made her know that I loved her and cared for her and the baby.
Her daughter will be leaving for the summer and that will leave her to be alone with him or by herself (not sure). She is not a person that likes to be alone that is why she was going back and forth to each of us. Her parents have told her she needs to be alone for a while also she tells me that but she cannot be alone. I don’t know what will happen this summer since they will be spending a lot of time together, but as you mentioned that the relationship is probably not going to work out. She said he is stuck in his own ways and hard to break him out of it. He is 39.
I will just let time continue and let God lead my faith. I cannot do anything to make her realize who I am for her. I don’t want to make her upset nor hate me so I don’t think I should contact him. Not because I want her back, but we did have a good friendship and I don’t want to lose that if that’s all we can have.
We are still friends on FB and we still have all our pics up, and mutual friends. I was being nicer her to her when she came back and also the baby I treated her better and more loving, but she went back to him. I am so lost and confused with this mess I just don’t know what to do anymore…….
What do you think?
Hello Kevin,
I wrote you back but have not got a respond?
Sincerely,
BK
Hey,
Sorry I missed this comment. OK, from what you said, it seems she is one of those people who are constantly looking for a relationship they can fix. I don't want to get into all the psychology here (and I might be wrong since I am not her therapist), but some people just opt to go for an unhealthy relationship under the disguise of love. It's an unhealthy pattern. I don't know where it originated (in most cases, it's from parents being in an unhealthy relationship), but it's very real for a lot of people. They constantly choose an unhealthy relationship (thinking that they love the person and hoping they can change them), over a healthy relationship.
There's a good chance that if she is able to change him and have him treat her with respect, she will stop loving him. It's the constant need to FIX him that is making her feel like she loves him.
Hi kelvin.i was in a serious relationship all my bf talked about was marriage. But suddenly every thin changed.we had series of misunderstanding and then things just went apart and we broke.so after a week i apologised but he keeps saying everything is fine while nothing is he dont call when he promise to.i asked him if he was still interested but he does answer me he says he ll talk to me when his ready.what should i do?
Follow the steps in the article.
So, I had a 9-month relationship with 32 years old man, I’m 19 years old. We met at work. He broke up with me 3 days ago at work. Our relationship was really nice, he often told me that after all his experiences I’m the love of his life and that he had never felt that good with anybody else. He really loved me, I’m pretty sure about that. It was my first relationship so after some time I started to feel a bit uncomfortable and did not know what to feel. I was really rude to him, always mad at him for nothing etc, he really tried to do anything to help me but it obviously did not work. At that time something broke inside of him and since then, he couldn’t love me the way he did. Plus a very good friend of his started to flirt with him etc and he slowly fell in love with her. Because he felt something for her 3 years ago already so it just came back. I realised I truly loved him and wanted him back. So we decided we will give ourselves some time. It took about month and a half and he broke up with me because he just didnt feel it anymore. He said he still has some feelings for me, but she’s the right girl for him, they have a lot in common and that he feels he can be happier with her than with anybody else. He still wants to be friends, to go cycling together or to have dinner together, he doesn’t want me to end up in work because my company is very lovely etc…what do you think? Will he realise after some time what he had lost and come back to me? Will he only have the rebound relationship with her?
Hey,
There's a chance that it's a rebound. But there's also a chance that it might work with her. You should follow the steps in the article. If it doesn't work, you should try to move on.
He is 40 and I am 29. I waited the 35 days then sent him a "remember the time text, and said I hope all was well. He said yes and wished the same for me. I sent another text saying I was headed out with some friends and to enjoy his day. He said for me to do the same. After not hearing from him again I text 2 weeks later and asked could we get together or if he could give me a call. He said that seeing each other or talking on the phone probably isn't a good idea. I basically asked why it had to be that way when all we had were good times, and broke up because he needed to get himself "together, ", and not due to fighting. ... He stated that I didn't do anything wrong and he already told me that he cant be with anyone right now. My feelings came into play and I asked if he thought that one day he would be able to talk to me or see me again. No reply. I don't understand how a man who always talked about marriage and swore I would be his wife can go from those feelings, to not even wanting to talk to me only a few months later. What do I do now?
I forgot to mention that he said we nose dived into our relationship. We were together 5 months. He was only single for a month (he ended a 8 month relationship) and I was single for only 4 months when we got together. Was I just a rebound that fell in love too quick and need to move on, or is there some hope, and what do I do? I appreciate your help.
He just wrote back and said its possible..
That's Good. Give him another 1-2 months of no contact.
Kevin,
You said that we lost the spark. Is there a way to get it back after NC? Can you give any advice? Thanks.
Hey Daniel,
The steps in the article are very effective in reigniting the spark. Especially the part about making positive changes in your life.
Hi Kevin,
it is about 3 days since we broke up. we were in an on and off relationship , we broke up for the same reason, sometimes a small arguments sometimes about my jealousy. we split up 5 times get back together 5 times, he always the one who end the relationship and he also the one who get back after a year or sometimes a month. now he said to me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship and just want to stay friends. i ask him if he loves someone and he said no (but i think he likes someone he just don't want me to know) , do you think that he will realized again that he loves me. he snapped because i always got angry with him even though he's not doing anything bad. maybe he get tired of me. he said he just don't know anymore what he feels right now. he said he doesn't love me. he wants to focus oh his study. Before he really do everything even though im kind a sadist. he just takes it all. he do everything i want . he said he loves me every time he end up a call or he chats me . but because we were in an on and off relationship i felt my trust to him went gone because i get hurt every time we got back together. when he comes back this February all i do was get back to the past and hurt him because i got hurt. but he take it all even he got hurt to what i have said. but now i really blame myself for not realizing it because i did not say i love you every time he say i love you . i did not realize his effort. because i think he just using me up because were always like that arguing about the past. he always hurt me to the point every time we broke up he likes another person. i thought his just lying and i don't want to believe again but if i go back to his messages it felt like he really loves me alot. now he said in time if we are meant for each other then okay if not then we are not meant to be. he said to me last night that he was not the right guy for me. it really hurts me alot. i said to him i dont wanna talk to him anymore because if we talked we are going to repeat from the past . do you he will come back after what i did to him.?
There's a good chance he will come back again. But I'll recommend you start no contact for at least four months. There's a very good chance that even after he comes back, he will leave again. Do you want to stay in this on and off relationship for the rest of your life?
Me and my ex has been dating for six years already. We met in college, so we are with each other basically every day in the past 6 years.
Last month, after a fight, he said he wanted to break up because he thinks we had different personality, and he enjoyed life being single & alone. He said he can't force himself to adjust to me anymore, and all the happiness he showed during these years, he faked it. He said he will meet me again next year, and meanwhile remain loyal to me. During the remaining of the year, he said he will treat me as a friend, but I am not allowed to contact him, as he don't want any factors to affect his thinking at this moment.
I did send him around 5 text messages within this month, he replied once, saying he has already moved on to a life without a relationship and he enjoy this "single and alone" life style.
His sister told me he's been partying and staying out late this month, which he said he never enjoyed before, as he hates social.
A week after the break up, I found out he's travelling to Europe with a female colleague (based in a diff country) in July. Which really bugs me… is this girl the reason for our break up instead?
Do you think I still have a chance? And has he really moved on? What exactly should I do to get him back? I am just afraid his feelings towards me will fade away as time passes.
I really want to have him back, as we've planned so many things ahead, and he really mean a lot to me. I am currently doing the no contact now.
Hey Fiora,
I don't think you should assume that girl had anything to do with the breakup. Most probably she didn't and he is just using her as a rebound. I'll recommend you do no contact for at least three months and use the letter mentioned in the article to get back in touch with him.
Thanks for the reply Kevin.
I am currently doing NC. But yesterday my sister and her boyfriend ran into my ex on the street. and saw him with that girl, holding hands. (my ex didnt saw them) - so the girl flew in just for a weekend.... how can they develop so quickly? is that even possible?
I am not sure whether he has already moved on or in a rebound. I am just trying to figure out why he would ask me to stay as friends, but at the same time ask me not to contact him for the rest of this year. Why don't he just come clean? I have a hard time convincing myself that he had nothing with that girl before the break up, coz the Europe trip is booked 1 day after the break up.
They belonged to the same team in his company, so they work very closely together. (based in difference country though).
Can these 6 years mean nothing to him? I am just afraid the letter won't work as he is ignoring me already. As i thought there's no point for him to come back if he have this new girl with him....
Thanks!
Hey Flora,
It's most probably a rebound and it'll end. Rebound relationships tend to move faster than normal ones. You still mean a lot to him and there's a good chance the letter will work.
Thanks Kevin,
I will give it a go, do the 3 month NC.
Just another question before I start, my ex is always very confident with his look. everyone else find him handsome, smart and charming. But he kind of have this anti-social personality.
I talked to some of our mutual friends, they thought even if this is a rebound, and it doesn't work out, he will just move on and find someone else instead of coming back to me, as he never need to do too much to get a new girlfriend. Is that something I need to worry about?
They all think that right now I mean nothing to him and he don't even have me in his mind, coz with this girl, no commitment is needed. and with me he will feel a lot of pressure as we're gonna have a family together according to our plan.
Thanks.
I can guarantee you that you will be on his mind more often than you think. That girl will provide him comfort, but she will also make it difficult for him to move on as he will not have the time to deal with the grief of the breakup.
Thanks Kevin, Not sure why I can't reply to your latest comment, but as that trip is booked a day after the break, I am sure their relationship starts a long time ago. so his feelings for me might have gone a long time ago. Will this still be a rebound?
And while he's enjoying this new relationship, I just don't see how he can think of me. I mean why can this girl be so powerful? 6 years of relationship is pretty much very hard to replace.
And this girl is so different from me. She had all the qualities that he ask me to avoid when we're still dating.
I mean why would he want to come back at all. and why don't he just tell me he want to be with her, but pretend that he want this single & alone lifestyle.
And since he never check his email, can I use text instead? I just have a feeling that he will just ignore it.
Thanks.
Flora,
I understand from your point of view it might look like he is not thinking of you. Let me ask you this, imagine yourself in a relationship with another guy right now. He is the complete opposite of your ex. Do you think you would still be thinking of your ex? You should read this article on rebound relationships.
The reason he doesn't want you to know is because he doesn't want you to move on. He is afraid if you find out he is seeing someone, you will also start seeing someone and that scares him.
Yes, you can use text.
Thanks for being so encouraging Kevin. I will try to be optimistic and look forward. Right now I am filling up my time with gatherings with friends and try to meet more people and keep myself busy.
Is it possible for him to realize himself that he wanted to come back to me?
because as you mentioned, I really want it to be HIS idea to come back and work on the relationship again. and him flirting with girls so easily is so not him. Can someone just changed so dramatically?
Why would he not contact me at all / ignore my messages? if I do NC for this long period of time, wouldn't it give them more time to develop this relationship?
My ex told me once he made a decision he'll not change his mind. and he really is this kind of person. I am avoiding anything about him at this moment, but i will think of him occasionally at night, and this keep me awake.
Thanks!
Perhaps, he is enjoying being single after being in a relationship for 6 years. Him flirting with girls is not a bad thing. There could be a lot of reasons he is not contacting you. I wrote about it in this comment.
Like I said before, it's probably a rebound. And rebounds don't usually work. Your contacting him wouldn't really matter much. If his new relationship is going to work, it'll work despite you contacting him. In fact, if you contact him with the hopes of him not getting serious with the other girl, he is probably going to try harder to make it work with her.
A lot of exes say that they won't change their mind. That's why you should take a subtle approach and don't let him realize that you want him to change his mind.
Hi Kevin, in addition to the above, it's been almost 2 months since we breakup. As u suggested a 3 month no contact when I first post, meaning I can't contact him till end of August, I start feeling that my feelings for him are not so strong already..... Not like I don't like him, but less dependent.
If this happens to him as well, he might as well forgotten any memories and feelings he used to have towards me already:(
Hopefully can get some advice today, as your comments are my motivation now.
Thanks
You've had time to process your feelings and grieve and miss him. You feel better because you've gone through the pain. He, on the other hand, has been avoiding the pain and is finding comfort in his rebound. Avoiding the pain doesn't make it go away. It only makes it stronger. This is one of the reasons I think his new relationship won't work. Read this article to learn more about rebounds.
On another note, even if his feelings are not so strong for you after NC, it's still not a bad thing. In fact, it's a good thing if all the feelings of co-dependency are gone and you both feel happy in your life without each other. This will give you clean slate and an opportunity to start a new relationship altogether. On top of that, you both will be able to make a rational decision about whether or not it's a good idea to get back together instead of letting emotions control your life.
Thanks Kevin,
I took your advice and tried going out whenever invited, sometimes ask my friends to take me to different gathering to try to get to know more people.
But maybe I haven't attend these social events for a long time, I find it a bit difficult to blend in. I mostly just laugh along with their jokes, but I still feel a bit left out, and can't find any topic to interact with these new friends. It's like I couldn't pick up the pace I used to have before I meet my ex. Is this normal?
I have doubt as to whether he even need the time to get over our relationship, as I say I think this break up is planned a long time ago, and he already got himself emotionally detached before breaking up with me. If this is true, will that "pain" still exist? And even if there is, will it be sufficient for him to reach out to me again.
I understand I might be repeating questions over and over again, I just still couldn't completely remove him from my thinking.
Thanks.
Hi Kevin,
Some updates. One of our mutual friends told me that he had lunch with him yesterday. and my friend told him I actually knew about that girl and the trip. The one thing he didn't tell him is I found all this out a day after the break. (so he can still lie about the cheating thing)
He told my friend to tell me not to wait. Because he can never come back to me, as he cannot face my parents after doing all this to me.
He mentioned he is trying to be with this girl, he's not sure if it's gonna work, he just want to give it a go.
My friend said he is really shocked that I knew everything, and that I knew he's lying when he made that promise regarding loyalty / single & alone.
my friend suggest me texting him and tell him I would wait for him.
I don't think this would help. But I am also worried that if I don't open the door and give him the easy way, he wont be bothered to come back.
Can you give me some advice? Thanks!
Can i post a link here? I found something that can inspire all.
Hey Daniel,
You can post it. But if it's to a spammy website, I'll probably delete it.
24 days and he finally sent a text. "Hi, how are you doing? Would i be able to talk with you tonight?" I decided that I wasn't going to respond to this until tomorrow. Then two hours later I received another text "Are you at your apartment? Can i come over and talk to you?" I decided that was out of the question and to ignore him... Then as I'm sitting on my balcony like I usually do — there he comes. He parks and comes upstairs. I reluctantly open my door and wait. I make him speak to me out front for a bit until I see his tears. He was crying the same way I had been when no one was around. I'm not happy he was sad but I am happy he felt something enough to cry. He asked me if I ever thought of calling or texting and I told him why would I want to keep hanging around when he was the one that didn't want me around. He apologized etc etc but I have standards. This is not the old relationship where we still do the same thing that broke us up. We have to learn and change. He agreed and told me all the things that he wanted to change about himself (which were all of the things that I wanted him to change). I know that old habits die hard but we are gonna work on it. I'll definitely write back on here if things go sour. Good luck to all of you that are wondering why someone would breakup with you and what you could have done better. It's been my experience that men break up with me because they are disappointed in their careers or their goals not being accomplished. Even though it's not you their mad at you're gonna cry because he doesn't want you and you're not good enough but honestly. My goal was if he doesn't send me something after 30 days he's too much of a whiny loser to have me back and I'm not going to even consider him after 30 days. Good luck and hold strong because any decent person would at least come back to say their sorry.
That's awesome Kelly. I wish you luck in your new relationship. :)
Hi, Kelly.
Wow, I admire you! I can't even go on straight NC for a week. I don't know, I'm so attached and all. I'm glad you are back in each other's arms. I wouldl like to try the NC for 30days but I'm afraid if she will just move on. I don't know what to do. I'm tired and sad and.....
Hi again Kevin,
I've been going out with my ex every other day since the last 1-2 weeks, but it's always been me asking her out. The other guy doesn't know that we go out and he's also been asking my ex out ever so often. She told me that she didn't have feelings for him that way but didn't want to hurt his feelings because she will still have classes with him next quarter and doesn't want to ruin their friendship. I told her that it was wrong and if he was truly your friend, he wouldn't have to do those things to do homework. Since we were so intimate when we are together, I asked her if we were going out, but she says she doesn't know. She also said she hopes that when summer comes, hopefully he would change, but I don't think so.
Today she said she couldn't eat with me because she was eating with him. It makes me feel weird knowing that he would hold her hands because he feels like it and she would allow it. And then I would hold her hand when she is with me. I've still been in touch with her and I've been asking her out almost everyday. I don't like the way she's accepting both of us, is there something I can do, I really love her and I want to be with her.
Hey Edward,
You can give her an ultimatum to choose between him and you. You should be prepared if she chooses him. If she does, you should cut all contact with her and move on. It's a risky move. But at least, it will get you out of this confusing situation.
Hi Kevin,
I think it might still be too early for me to do that, is it a good idea to wait on it til summer starts? Also how frequent should I be asking her to go out? I'm the one always initiating and it might show that I'm needy and if I do NC/minimal contact it shows that I don't care about the relationship.
Yes, NC might help as well. You should be asking her out once a week. More if your dates are going well.
Hey Kevin,
Yesterday, I went to my ex's place at her apartment and saw roses on her table that was from him. It made me feel jealous, but my ex seemed like she wants to make love and so we did. Today, she was out with him and probably spent the whole day together. Tonight, when I asked her out for tomorrow, she said she loves me and hopes that I don't think we are still together. I felt sad like it was breakup again, but I took it slow and asked her if we can still be together in the future. She says she doesn't know and can't see the future. I reminded many things of us together and told her that she was my first love and my first girlfriend, this made me really sad and cry, I can tell she was crying too (this was all over facebook IM). In the end, I told her to take care and that he treats her well, and that next week if she wants to hangout to let me know(since it's my birthday).
I can tell that he treats her really well(isn't all new relationship like that?). I told her that she was special and that I wouldn't be trying if she wasn't. It's depressing that she broke up with me just because she doesn't see a future in us. Kevin, I don't know if this is how it should end, we were together for 3 years and I just wanted a new relationship. Should I move on or do I still have another chance? We love each other but apparently love is not enough.
Hey Edward,
At this point, I think you should put yourself before her and start no contact. I think you should let her new relationship play out. I have a feeling that it's a rebound and it'll end. If you want, you can give her an ultimatum before starting no contact. But I doubt she will choose you.
Hey Kevin,
Today was my birthday and we hung out at a theme park, but I feel like she only did it because it was my birthday or just as friends. She felt uncomfortable when I tried to hold her hand or touch her. I feel like she has lost her feelings for me. She would feel frustrated or annoyed when I ask her about the other guy or if I asked her if she had any feelings for me. It seemed like she has made her decision last week, when I have posted here. I just couldn't understand why she didnt give me another chance and chose him over me. She didn't give me any explanation and now just wont let me get intimate with her. It's always been me trying to contact her.. before she left today, I actually gave her a gift and wrote a letter about my feelings for her. I know that she wouldn't change her mind. She seems to like the other guy and I feel like she is losing her love for me. If I do NC, and work better on myself, would her feelings for me go away? Wouldn't she love the other guy more overtime? Do I still have a chance anymore or should I move on?
Hi Kevin,
Later on last night before we had dinner together, after I gave her the gift and letter, I went home and asked her through FB if she still wanted to have dinner with me as planned. She said yes because she wanted to try at that restaurant at least once. I asked her if I wasn't allowed to go to her apartment anymore. She said she doesn't really want me to come in and then told me she read my card with a sad face. I asked her why last week she let me get so intimate with her and now it seemed like she didn't like me and that I just wanted to know the truth. She said that she loves me but doesn't like me grabbing her because we aren't together. I told her that if she loved me how come she wouldn't let me have another chance, I told her that I didn't mean to push her away and that I was jealous that she was spending most of her time talking to someone else. She said it was really difficult. I apologized for it and told her that I love her and in the end, I asked her if she would give me another chance. She just says she doesn't know and "i need to think about it". I thanked her for her consideration.
After dinner, I asked her when I could see her again she said she doesn't know and then remembers that she has to give me back my shirts before she goes back home for the summer. There is about 4-5 days before we head back to our home for summer, I'm not sure how much time she needs "to think about it". She doesn't say how long or if she needed space, so I'm not sure if I should do NC. At the same time, I'm not sure how often I should contact her and when is it appropriate to ask her out. Thanks for all of your advices Kevin.
Hi Kevin
All I wanna know is that what if she knows about the no contact rule and she's the one who's practicing it more than you do? How will it interfere with this?
It will still be effective. No contact is more about you and less about your ex. If you make positive changes in your life during NC, it'll still be very effective.
Hey guys I'm going on day 13 of no contact. We were in a relationship for two years but she just left out of nowhere I've figured out that it's ok that she's seeing someone else. And a lot of the arguments were because of something I did wrong no matter how little it was, it was big to her. I've been eating right I've been hanging out I've been seeing another girl but it only makes me realize that I'm madly in love with her. I hope I can get her back. I'm going to be moving into my own place soon and going back to school. I'm doing this for me but I know she will be proud of the fact that I'm doing things she wanted me to do. The last time we spoke it got physical :/ I don't know why but I hope I still have a chance with her.
Hi, Kevin and anyone else who has any advice,
Does anyone think that a down to earth, heart to heart conversation would work. Not to get back together with her but to regain some level of friendship so that I can finally have a foot hole to start my long climb back up. The only reason I bring this option up is because a few weeks before everything happened we were talking and discussing where we were going and she raised some concerns about what if some shit happened, nothing specific, I think the only reason she thought about it was because something had or was going wrong in just about every aspect of her life at the time. She was having a rough time. Anyways I just asked her if she trusted me and she said yes and then I asked her if she trusted me completely and entirely and again she said yes so basically I told her "then if shit happens we will get through it together, I promise", what I actually said passed on the same message but had a funnier vibe to it to help cheer her up a bit but the point was still there and was the main focus of it. That is the reason I bring this up because a discussion like that has to have some weight on it that I could use to help my cause. And on top of that I truly meant what I said, and I'm not about to break a promise to her after so many others have done so as of late. Now that I'm getting better as a person I want to be there for her. Does anyone think that conversation would hold any meaning with her and in helping me out? Can I use that to open a rapport between us to set a new foundation to stand on?
Hey Zach,
It works, but not when her defenses are up. You need to open a communication channel between you two and get on friendly terms before you can have talk like that.
Hi Kevin,
I've been posting here for a while now and you have been replying, I'm not sure if you remember everything but I just want to know what I should do?
Hey kevin me again. I haven't texted my ex again and it's been about a week and a half. I snapchatted my ex (I sent this picture to everyone in my snapchat contacts) and he screenshoted it and replayed it. Right after Screenshotting it he tweeted my friends (use to be his but he called them annoying) he knows I've been with them this whole time so I'm confused as to why he's asking them to hang out if he doesn't like then very much. I sent other snapchats and no response so I'm almost feeling like I want to start no contact again and just wait for him to make a move even though you told me to send another text. What should I do.
Yes, do no contact again.
Kevin, i think i didnt receive your email for today. I was actually looking forward about it because it can be useful for me. The email next to "one small step at a time". Can you check it? Thanks kevin.
Hey Daniel,
It seems you've received the next email.
So I made it 19 days into no contact just to like 2 of his stats last night. I feel horrible. Do I need to start over?
I don't think it's necessary.
She just broke up with me yesterday.... she said I dont love her um just using her!!! and I dont deserve her love etc... she has very much ego problem, what should I do now?? coz she left me by misunderstanding and ego problem.
Follow the plan. Think hard if you want to be with someone who doesn't understand you and has an ego problem.
Hi Kevin! My girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago after almost four years of being together. I know exactly why it happened. There were many causes but the one that made things reach boiling point was that I pretty much neglected her. She's from a different country so she stayed at my house along with all my family, we essentially lived together and things were going well. I am a professional athlete but have been injured since January so I couldn't practice, couldn't work and so I just sat at home playing videogames waiting, and waiting to recover. She didn't have a job at the moment so, she just sat along with me. Eventually monotony and routine killed us, as weeks went by we started doing less things together, almost never went out anymore, dinners became boring, we stopped having sex and we simply started neglecting each other, not on purpose, but unconsciously as part of the monotony in which he had fallen. I did that more than she did, from time to time she did come to me looking for love and comfort and I would just do it for a few minutess and then go back to my own stuff. I stopped paying attention to her, fulfilling her needs, and just showing her how much I loved her and cared about her. So of course, it got to a point where she just lost interest in the relationship and the immense love she had for me began to slowly vanish. The man that once inspired her and whose personality and attractivness made her do things that to this day I haven't seen any other girl do for his man, was gone.
And yes, I've been a mess for these past 10 days and have fallen to almost every single mistake you mentioned, with bad results obviously. I'm definetely going to follow this guide because it just makes sense and after all, it's better than having nothing and being lost and confused. My only question concerns the no contact period. I'm thinking 4-5 weeks should be good, BUT, I read that one of the reasons why we do NC is because that'll give her time to forget about the negative stuff and start remembering the nice stuff... and that's where I'm concerned. For like three years and a half things were amazing and we have the greatest memories together, but the past 6 months were just rough and plainly bad because of the neglection I mentioned. So my question is: even if she forgets about the negative stuff during NC, what possibly good things would she remember if I pretty much neglected her for the last 5 months? Like there are very few positive things I can think of that happened in those months so I'm really afraid that once she gets over the negative stuff she'll just be like "well, I feel fine now, but I don't think there's a reason for me to get back with him because we just didn't do anything, he neglected me".
Obviously I am willing and actually excited about setting my life back in motion during NC. Get back to being that confident, active and ambitous man that she fell in love with years ago. I am assuming that will have a positive impact once we start seeing each other again after NC, but what concerns me are those 30-40 days when we will not have any sort of communication and then she might not even want to meet with me or just lost interest in me forever because of what I mentioned. I hope you can give me some insight. Thanks for the post as well, you have given me hope and peace of mind!
Hey,
When you start missing someone, your mind automatically searches for the best memories you had with the person. There's no time limit to that memory. She will probably understand that things were great before and she would probably start hoping that things go back to the way before you two started neglecting each other. And when you contact her, her hope will become stronger and she will start thinking about getting back together.
Oh man, I'm so glad to hear that! One more question just to be prepared: after NC is over and I send her the letter and all that, if she's still closed, cold, doesn't look like she missed me that much and just doesn't seem willing to talk too much to me or go out with me alone, should I start NC again (maybe for a shorter period of time) or should I just keep pushing slowly but surely trying to win her heart back?
Start no contact again for a shorter period of time.
I didnt talk to him for three weeks.. I was fine. I wentbon dates. Then he messages me saying he has "mixed feelings". He "misses me but doesn't". I say "okay thank you for your honesty. " thinking I have to move on. Then he tells me to text him. So I do... but he says like okay amount texta. Then one day I tell him how I am going out drinking and he tells me to behave. Like he use to. Then he barely texts me anymore now to one word texts. What should I do? Should I start over with the no contact? I want him back.
Yes, start no contact again. This time, don't reply to him if he texts you until no contact is over.
Okay well I didn't read this till now. Which is after I've texted him. But I have done everything well, all the steps, but I'm stuck on the reconnecting part. I texted him saying I was sorry and he seemed to be interested in talking. But after a couple days of us texting each other he didn't reply. I must add that the last conversations we had, like many, ended awkwardly. He's just an awkward guy... So I'm not sure as to what I should do. Wether or not I should text him back first? Maybe mentioning a band I know he like? (By the way our "no contact period" lasted about 4 months. We both got into relationships, his lasting 3 days, mine about a month)
Text him again after a week. If the conversation goes well, ask him out.
I'm a 17 year old in desperate need of some help. My ex who is 19 broke up with me a week ago. It wasn't because I did anything to him, it was because he has a lot of doubts and is scared that he's going to spend 5 years in a relationship with me and miss out on opportunities with other girls or other things in his life. Everyone seems to want the "How do I know if this relationship will last? Is he worth my time? Is he the one I'm supposed to be with?" answers. I'm scared that he's going to be stuck in doubt. He wants to not wait 5 years for marriage. I personally don't care that we wait 5 years. I can see my life with him in it and i would love those 5 years spent with him. We get along so great. We have a blast together. We are both dorky and goofy and isn't afraid to be each other when we are together. I love him. I get that I will need to give him space. For both the of us. This past week we have tried to be "just friends" but how do you be "just friends" with the guy you love? I think I only wanted to be friends because I wanted to hold onto him, but by doing that I'm giving myself false hope and I'm not giving us time to really miss each other. Or heal from the relationship. My biggest problem is church. We go to a SUPER small church of maybe 15 people & his family takes me every week. I don't want to stop going to this church, so how do I make that work for the no contact period? I'm in need of some help please...
Hey,
Whenever you see him in the church, treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Keep the conversation short. Don't talk about anything personal. Be cordial and happy.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I have been in an on and off relationship for 4 and a half years. He has broken up with me 4 times already and he always says he is not as happy as he should, and he just feels breaking up is the best idea. He always tells me he does not know why he feels that way since I am so sweet and good to him but he breaks up with me anyway. Somehow, we always manage to work it out and get back together for 6-12 months and then he does the same thing again. Even though all this has happened I still have hope that he will come back and want me forever. Do you think that your tips will work even if we have split so many times? what do you recommend? he broke up with me yesterday.
Thanks!!
Hey Stephanie,
You can probably get him back by following the plan. But unless you understand the root of the problem, you will never be able to keep him permanently. In my opinion, if things didn't work the past 4 times, it won't work out anymore.
Hey everyone,
Does anyone want to find some kind of way to chat. I don't know, maybe it could help us all get through things because we can all relate.
Hi Zach, my situation is bit different but I agree that talking to each other may help... I'm in my first week of NC and finding it very difficult to cope... I haven't gone anywhere cos I moved cities and everything is new here and don't have a job to go to yet etc... I hope you're coping better than me at this stage, Rihanna, age 30
Hi Rihanna,
It's day 36 for me. It was really tough for me for the first few weeks and because I have bipolar it was bad enough I didn't leave my house for a week and a half. You sit around and everything you see reminds you of them. I can say that it doesn't so much as get better but instead you just learn to deal with it better, the amount of time you spend feeling aweful after you see something that reminds you of them gets shorter. My advice is to find something distracting, I spent most of my time watching movies and tv, must have watched two hundred episodes and probably thirty movies in the first three weeks. And I also learned really fast after the first time I went out and did something that it helps a lot even if you are just going out, go to a bar talk to some new people. I found that working helped me out as well, I never really did before but now I have the benefits of looking good and the endorphins that promote happiness being released. Find something you have always wanted to learn and do it. I'm learning how to dance hip hop such as tutting. It's all about will power, get through this and just keep telling yourself this is how you get them back, if they are important enough to you, then a month of living in hell is worth it. Today I see her for the first time, I have no intention of talking to her but instead just let her see me hanging with my friends and not even acknowledging her presence. I'm gonna let her see me looking good and having a great time. When she sees me being that cocky and confident guy I was when we met and when we were solid in our relationship, I have a pretty good feeling she want be able to ignore me, especially of she sees that I'm ignoring her presence. You can get through this Rihanna, just take one day at a time and remember why your doing this. Good luck!!!
Go Zach! You got this!!
Thanks Britt
I hope your right, she's almost as stubborn as me, only she puts too much emphasis on her emotions sometimes and that makes her rash and quick to a decision when she's not thinking clearly, and even if she knows she messed up, it's hard to convince her to go back on her decision when it's something as serious as a breakup. I'm not saying listening to how you feel is a bad thing but I believe that you should take a step back from the situation and think things threw and come to a conclusion halfway between logic and emotion. Which makes me kinda a hypocrit right now, 99% of the time I can do that just fine but because of my mood disorder when I get super upset I just act on impulse, it's never violent, I always maintain some level of control but not enough to think about how this is gonna help the situation. But I've spent my time wisely and fixed a lot of my issues so this is Zach 2.0 everyone!!!
My ex is is 10 years older than me and is very stubborn. He made it clear when we broke up and while we were together that there is no going backwards with him. I'm starting to just get over it. I broke no contact and even though he replied to all of my messages and was polite, I could still tell that he was still sticking to his decision. All I can do is let time tell.
That's the same here, after it happened I tried to give her time and after ten days I went to see her and she wouldn't even look at me, she just kept walking and eventually put her headphones in. I tried again after a week and I could tell things were loosening up because she talked to me a little, nothing good, just telling me that she's done with me. But at least she said something and gave me a couple glances as we were walking. It's been three weeks since then and because we don't use Facebook the only way for her to see improvements is in person, I just have to be careful and make sure she doesn't think whatever I'm doing has anything to do with her. I think the fact that she was being so withdrawn from me and shutting me out says that she still cares but is just angry and afraid and hurt. She had always done the same thing when we argued as friends, she would block my phone and try to shut me out when I would see her but I could always fix it after a couple days. But now I'm just gonna use her attraction to me to mess with her head so she is thinking about me.
Well I quit smoking weed, going to fights, drinking, and going to insane parties when I'm upset, I quit all of that to get better and because she hated it that I would go do those things when I was upset because she would get really worried and sometimes wouldn't even know where I was and couldn't find me. But today I fell of the wagon because I'm gonna finish this bottle of whiskey because I feel like there is a hole on my chest and a hole in my life and if she won't come back right now then I'll fill it with something. I'm sorry guys I failed everyone here that's been encouraging and I failed myself today but I'm just so tired. I guess tomorrow I start over.
I feel like if she somehow saw everything I say on here then she would know everything and would be willing to talk things out. honestly I wish she would just somehow stumble onto this site and read every comment I ever posted. It would be really embarrassing yes but honestly I would go to school naked if that got her back. And I'm a very prideful person but pride isn't anything next to love. And god damn I love her with all my heart. It honestly makes me happy to make her happy and if it took me all day to get her to smile when she was having a bad day even only one single smile, it was worth it. Wow its been awhile since I've been drunk, again sorry guys I let you and her and most of all myself down. But love hurts.
It didn't go as I had hoped it would, by the time she got to where I was, most of my friends had to go already so it was just me and my buddy and we had to walk past her and when she saw me I guess she thought I was gonna try to talk to her because she looked as if she was gonna get a little irritated and that hurt. I think I know why, the day we had our fight we had planned to hang out after her study hall but earlier that day we had a little argue ment thing and she was a little angry and so when I asked her if she still wanted me to go up there to see me she said not really. I ended up going up there anyways because I took some bad advice from a mutual friend who said she actually wanted to see me. So I rode my bike 8 miles up and down hills because I didn't have my car, I get there just in time for her to tell me study hall was canceled and she had already told her dad so he would expect her home, I was frustrated and she was mad at me for coming, but I was so tired and exhausted and my lungs were on fire and I knew there was no way I would be a ble to ride home especially with the problem I had with my lungs a couple years earlier and they haven't been the same since. So I asked her and asked her if she would call him back and let him no she actually did have study hall so at least it wasn't for nothing, but she wouldn't. I was already really upset because the day before she had had a really bad day and the stress got to her and she told me she wanted us to take a break and she was really upset when she told me that and it was over the phone and when I tried to talk to her about it she said some mean things so I would drop it because she was having a hard enough time as it was. So I was upset and now I was frustrated at her and pissed at my mutual friend who told me to go up there, and as I mentioned before how sometimes I could lose it, well I did, she got a ride home from her friend and I was tired and her place was on my way home so I texted her and told her I was gonna stop by her place so I could see her for a bit and get a little break before going home and she was said no and I argued with her about it because I was too tired to go home and I was upset and so I was just like I'll see you in fifteen minutes and went anyways. I get there and she's not home which I didn't know because she wouldn't text me back and I was angry and was like well I'll sit here until you come out and talk because I'm tired and we need to talk about something anyways. Eventually I texted her friend who lives down the street and went over there and got a drink and asked her to talk to my ex and ask her to talk to me and so she told me she texted her but I don't know, then she tells me she wasn't home and that she had gone for a walk and so I was determined to talk to her so I asked her friend where she was and she told me where she usually walked and so I rode out there and was looking for her and texting her asking where she was and then finally I get a call and she's telling me it was a mistake to try and be friends and that she was done. Then her friend who's a bitch and never really liked me starts throughing out things like I was stalking her but come on, I think one time going over there is not stalking especially if you were just in a relationship, not to mention I think I was entitled to be a little upset and I was just angry that's all it was. But this was her best friend and she was mad at me so anything her best friend was saying I guess she took to heart and let her convince her of it. It's all bullshit. But like I said I'm stubborn as fuck and I'm not gonna let this shit go over something that stupid. And I definitely won't let it go until she actually has a conversation with me about it so we can talk things out. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way and I want the girl I love back in my arms.
Thanks man,
But I'm not exactly legal yet and drinking with my friends usually involves some crazy party and I have been known to go out one night and not come home for another two when I get real upset. Not to mention when I did get upset after some argument with her I was never in the mood to talk to her when she would call after finding out I went out and so she would get worried when I wouldn't reply, which was mostly because I usually wasn't in any shape to talk to her and I didn't want her to see me like that. It was just a bad way that I used to deal with my emotions. I was also known for doing something incredibly stupid and dangerous but somehow never get hurt and that frightened her because she was worried about the day that I would get hurt and I guess I never realized what I was doing to her and never thought about how she would feel if we had an argument and I went out and got hurt so that is why I quit.
Zach. Its okay to drink every once in a while. I suggest you drink with your friends because in my case, i get to have fun that way. Imagine the happiness drinking with your friends. You are noisy, you dont give a fuck about the world, you feel confident around them, and you really are having FUN. just try to avoid talking about your ex.
Goodluck!
Go Zach and I'm very happy for you... Thanks for your message it helped me heaps, I hope I'm as tough as you but I need lots of support as I'm feeling like I'm sinking into depression and I feel sick all the time... I moved to the country and I miss the big city although the city will remind me of him... we didn't have a fight he just fell ill and depressed so we parted... a good question to ask: from which day do I count NC, from the day he answered my text or from the day I stopped bombarding him with text messages which he ignored? thanks heaps xx
Hey, Rihanna!
I've always been sick lately! I skipped on foods and I don't have appetite on anything. Even on foods that I used to like. I feel guilty eating pizza or ice cream when I'm sad because you don't get sad when you eat those abd that's a rule for me. Haha!
Based on Kevin's advised, i guess you should start counting the NC rule the day that you texted her last. Kevin said when you approached him and he seems distant and cold, start NC rule again.
Hey! Congrats man on your Zach 2.0!
Zach,
It's okay if you fall short of improving yourself and is enjoying a bottle of whiskey now. I, myself, fall short at times because come on, we can't perfect it this first time. What matters is you keep on improving. At times, i feel also a hole in my heart and my life and my stomach lurches, and I'm back on grieving again. But then, who doesn't? It's just a normal feeling, I guess. There will always be that empty hole inside of you and if you expect people or her to fill it up for you, then you're gonna have a bad time. It might be hard but you have to fill that gaping hole yourself. And once you're complete again, youcan impress her without pretentions because you can be proud you did it yourself. At times when you feel down and alone and lonely, think of us: Rihanna, Britt, Me, Kevin and everyone else on this page.
Because we are all in this together, right?
RAED
What if I have already made it clearr to her that I am moving on
That might work to your advantage.
Kevin,
I didn't see a response to my last comment so I am re-posting it here. In need of some advice!
Ok good deal. She bailed on lunch this weekend. I think due to the fact that it is Memorial Day weekend, she’s out having fun. She did call and text me saying she misses me and that she was going up to Tahoe for her cousins b-day and wants to set something up to meet when she gets back. She told me to call her, the next day as I didn’t get her call or texts because I was asleep.
I called the next day, no answer. So I texted and I said, “Ive been super busy lately and was asleep when you called and texted. Ive been at work but wanted to call you as you said. I know you like to sleep in so I didn’t want to call too early. If I don’t talk to you before you leave for Tahoe. Have fun, be safe. Say Hi to the Fam and ya lets set something up when you get back.”
I also don’t think she is in Tahoe… Do you think I have anything to worry about here?
Can I text her when the Holiday weekend is over, “How was your holiday weekend?”
As always your insights are greatly appreciated.
Kevin,
Saw your reply on the other post. Thank you. If after a few days she doesn't reach out, I've got the green light to text and see how she responds.. If cold I'll back off and if warm I'll go with the flow.
I replied to your comment here.
Hey Kevin,
I posted something here yesterday and wondering if it's been posted.
Thanks!
Hey Josh,
It's here.
Hi, Kevin!
I can't seem to find my comment or remember the date when I posted here. All that I know is that I started receiving your mails last May 22, 2014. And I'm not even sure if I posted here my comment or on other articles.
Please help.
Thanks!
Hi Kevin, your website and emails have been really helpful in helping me to cope with a break up. My ex and I are in our early thirties and I initiated the break up and we agreed it was for the best. We were together for almost 18 months and started living together halfway through, due to changes in family circumstances. We've both been under a lot of stress in our own lives (mainly work) and it affected the relationship. Anyway, we broke up a few months ago, and I moved out. Some of his closest friends have stayed in touch with me too. I followed NC and contacted him a couple of weeks ago (I kept to a light subject), and he replied back, and then I replied and then nothing else from him. About 10 days later, I text him again about a charity event we both went to, and we had a short text conversation about something funny....although, again my text was the *last* in the conversation. As I initiated both text chats, what do I do from now on? Keep in touch or wait for him to respond? Thanks.
Wait two weeks and then text again. If he is still cold, then do no contact again for a month.
I had a question concerning your 5 steps and if these same rules apply to a long-distance relationship. Are there any steps that should be adjusted or done differently?
Thanks!
Yes, they do apply to long distance. Instead of asking to meet up, you can ask them to hang out on skype. And later on, you can plan a trip to their city where you can ultimately meet up.
I have been with my partner for over twenty years during which time he has an arranged marriage and several affairs.
He said he was having affairs cos I needed to lose weight and be 'stunning' and until I did there was no chemistry. The affairs have caused me so much pain and turned me into a needy, miserable person. I found him with his latest woman a few days ago and became demected. He has now text to say he detests me wants nothing to do with me, loves this woman he has known a couple of weeks and will go the end of the earth to make it work with her. She would though still be his grubby little secret if he hadn't got caught. The shocking thing is that she is not his type at all and far from stunning, overweight, bigger than me, middle aged and grey. Actually quote bizarre to imagine him attracted to her in anyway.
I miss him badly, which is made worse by his comments that he detests me and I have no idea why.
I want him back badly and am panicking like crazy over his new relationship. Please help.
Thank you
Hey,
His new relationship is probably another one of his affair which turned into a rebound. I want you to apply no contact for at least three months. You have lived the past 20 years in pain and emotional hell because of his affairs. Do you want the same for the next 20 years of your life?
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago(I'm 27 and she's 22). Basically the reason we broke up was because i ignored her, due to being mad at her. Anyway i have now realise my mistake and so wanted to apoligize to her. Anyway when i did she said she's is no longer interested in being with me and so we broke up. So in order to get her back i made all the mistakes you mentioned here and i think it might have gotten worse to the point where she didn't wanna see or even talk to me and has even ask for time and space and no contact. That's when i followed your NC rule in order to get her back. The only problem is we see each other alot due to common friends, family gatherings, team mates in sport etc.. i have followed NC for about a week now while also improving myself, not talking to her whenever we see each other. This is another problem i'm having, when i tried getting her back, i promised i wouldn't ignore her anymore and instead communicate with her but she didn't believe me. So if i keep ignoring her wouldn't that just make my words a lie? I was just thinking of saying hi, hello, how are you, good to see you etc.. whenever i see her to prove that i won't ignore her anymore. Do i still have a chance at getting her back? Another thing is she hasn't change her relationship status on facebook, it still says she is in a relationship with me. She stills has pictures of us on her phone and room. Does this mean she still likes me even if she says she wants our relationship to end and all sorts of excuses?
Yes, when you see her, treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. You do have a chance. Her having your pictures doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back. It just means she still misses you and is not over you.
Girlfriend of 3 years has had a job abroad for 5 months. First of all it came to a big shock to me as I didn't like the thought of being away for that long and ended it and she totally understood. I started thinking loads and missing her I started texting her to meet me and was hoping to chat over things (3days after break up) I was thinking maybe we could work something out that I went out to see her a few times to split up the 4 months I live her too bits. I went to see her which was a big mistake we argued and she said she wanted to go her separate way from me she's said she was disappointed in me because I was supportive over her new job offer and we've been arguing over it quite a bit and she thiks it's best to go our desperate way what do you recommend that I do.
Follow the steps in the article Dave.
Kevin, I broke up with my boyfriend 10 months ago I told him we could get back together but he rejected me. Since we broke up we have never lost contact but on my part. I feel like I am supposed to do the move since I was the one who broke up with him. I saw him in a concert yesterday and i danced with him he hugged me and kissed me but we didn't cross a word. I dont know what to do i think i ruined the attraction part after the no-contact. I really want him back what do i do? do i call him to tell him that I am not any girl who dances with whoever or should i just ignore everything that happened that night? Please help
Ignore whatever happened. Start no contact again and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin, I have an emergency and so this comment is pretty long so I've broke it up into sections but just read it as if its all just one big one please.
I could really use your help because I'm kinda worried right now, I only have two weeks of school left and I have to get her to at least start talking to me before it ends or its over because after school ends I will have no way of communicating with her. Every time we would have an argument she always blocked my phone until I could see her again and make things better. And I think its prudent to mention that we have never had an argument while in person, the only time we have ever fought with each other is over the phone. And I believe the fact that we never fight in person is a great sign that our relationship is solid and our only problem is that we don't see each other often enough but that should change because of summer.
Anyways that means I cant text or call her, she doesn't use facebook or other social networks, I cant send her an email because she doesn't check her emails unless you ask her to, and finally I cant send her a letter because she lives with her parents and we have already talked about that option and ruled it out anyways. So basically I have nine days to get her to start talking to me again and eventually unlock her phone.
I should also mention that during those nine days the only time I will be able to see her is after school ends and everyone is walking out. She always goes to a certain place in the school where she meets up with friends for a couple minutes before going home. I'm not friends with her friends and don't really know them other than her friend Brooke who I was friends with briefly before things between me and my ex went sour, but for the most part she has always had it out for me for some unknown reason. And with things as they are right now I cant exactly just walk up to her and say hi because that will immediately cause her to put her wall up and then I'm back to square one again, plus her friend Brooke who is an absolute bitch will say everything she can to degrade me as a person. The only real thing I think I can do is just hang out with a couple of my friends either somewhere on her route to where she goes or at the same place as her and do that for a few days and hope she sees me and sees that I'm better, which I am, I've worked out most of my personal problems for the most part and I'm a happier person now. The only thing that ever gets to me anymore is the thought of not fixing things with her. I know I will not get her back anytime soon, I have to first work my way back into her friend zone and from there I know without a doubt that it will be a matter of time before I have her back because me and her have always just clicked. What do I do Kevin because I have no idea? If you read any of the conversation that I had a few days earlier with some of the other people who you are helping out then you might have seen the last thing I posted which was about acting more like I was when we first met and during the best part our relationship. I was pretty cocky and always making some joke, but I think if I'm gonna get her to notice me and not just turn away then I have to do something that cant really be ignored. Please help me Kevin.
Hey Zack,
OK, how do you know that you are still blocked on her phone? Did you try contacting her? There's a good chance that she started wondering why you are not contacting her and unblocked you in hopes you will contact her. What you are planning is also fine as long as you don't just go up to her and try to make her to unblock you.
Thanks Kevin
I'll try her phone and see if she has unlocked it or not but I doubt it. She's stubborn and once she gets it in her mind I have to dig it out. I'm the same way, probably even more even more so than her but we still work as a couple even they we are both stubborn, I think the only reason we work so well is because we usually are never stubborn with each other over any serious matters, only joking around or teasing. But with anyone else we don't budge much
I tried her phone and as I suspected it was still blocked, she's stubborn and isn't about to let me back in without a fight and I have known that from day one. I just don't know how effective just seeing me will be. Nerves are very high and on edge for me now because I'm really feeling the time ticking down on me and I feel as though I'm trying defuse a warhead and one wrong move and everything I've worked for, every second of this hell I have endured for so long will have been for nothing and life will explode. She is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thought in my head before I sleep. I need a way in, that's it, if I can just get in, even just a hair, then I know it will be okay. But the question remains how?
Hey Zach,
Rushing things usually backfires. That's why I'll recommend that you stop looking at your situation as a ticking time bomb. Forget about trying to make a move before school gets over. You can find a way to contact her after that. She will probably unblock you and if she doesn't you can try sending her an email or a hand written letter. Like you said, there's a 50/50 chance of her parents opening the letter. So that is still a risk worth taking. Or perhaps, you can ask some friend to give it to her.
But what is more important than any of this is that you stop putting her on a pedestal and stop thinking of her as your one true love. You guys had a good relationship, but it ended. I know you feel like that things will be different this time, but there's a good chance that even if you do get her back, it won't work out.
I want you to read the checklist at the starting of Step 4. Apply no contact till you are sure you pass all the points. I know you went out on a date already, but I'll recommend you go out on a couple more dates before ending no contact.
Hey Kevin,
So my ex did not text me for a couple days. I left it because my grandmother passed away and I was busy with the funeral stuff. He knew that she was gone but he did not text me to see how I was doing or anything, but whatever it didn't bother me. Saturday he texted me "hey jaser" (the nickname he gave me when we were dating) and I texted him back and he didnt respond, but he was on facebook all night. So I waited until Sunday night and I texted him again, and he called me for a few minutes but he had to go. He then tried to call me back but I was out so I said I would call him later. When I got home, I tried to call but he didn't answer. I texted him and asked if he was available to talk and I got no response, but again he was on Facebook all night. He still has not answered my text or anything. I'm not really sure what this means, like does he not want to talk anymore? Or am I overreacting? Should I just wait for him to text me? We are supposed to meet up this weekend and I don't know how were gonna do that if he is gonna ignore me.
You are overreacting. If he doesn't respond, back off for a while. He'll probably contact you. If he doesn't you contact him on the weekend.
Hello kevin,
I tried to write in here a while ago, but I just can't seem to find them. It would help me to know your perspective to my situation, as is with everyone else.
Thank you
Hey Victor,
Your comment is here.
After you've done your 1 month/2 months etc. Of NC and when you start actually talking to her, txting her and so on. Should you call her by her name or what you used to call her when you were in a relationship?
If you had a nickname, you can call her that. As long as it doesn't mean anything romantic. If not, you can just ignore the name while texting. You don't really have to mention her name when you are texting her. If a text requires her name, then call her what everyone else calls her. Unless of course, you are flirting over texts.
Gf and I broke up a couple months ago, been in minor contact since then. I noticed today that she removed a photo of me from facebook. I think she may be interested in another guy. What should I do?
Hey Kevin and everyone else.
My fiance broke up with me almost 10 months ago.
We had been together for almost 9 years and it was first relationship for both of us. Im 29 and she will be 30 in 2 months.
Problem started 1 year before the breakup, due to new work we didnt get to spend much time together since she started early and i usually got home late and needed to work weekends and sleep away. During this time a guy at her work got friends with her and he started flirting with her. I did point this out to her and said it made me uncomfortable and asked her to distance herself a little from him. She said they were only friends and i do believe she was honest abouth that at first but he filled a void that was created due to the fact we got so little time together. Then one night i did something wrong by checking her text messages since that had been no problem before that we checked each others phones out of curiosity. But lately she had been protectiv abouth her phone and i wanted some answers. Turned out she had started flirting back with him so i asked her what was going on and if something had happend between the two of them. She denied it and said they had hugged and only hang out a little. I left the home and got back later that night and asked her how she felt and that she had to choose between me and him. She said she was confussed but anted to be with me and asked me to forgive her.
I tried give it another go but 10 months later she dumped me. She said i had been on edge since we talked about it and that her feelings for me had changed.
Needless to say i was a wreck and did all the misstakes.
What makes my situation a little speciall is that we both wanted to have each other in our lifes and didnt wanna ruin our friendship to.
We lived together at the time and we keept living together for almost 6 months during which time she looked for a new place to live.
During those 6 months we both had emotional breakdowns on wich we would comfort each other. I didnt bring up the fact that we should try again.
The last 2 months major changes have happend. One problem in our relationship was financial, we were both unemployed for periods so we had problem with money and being able to do things.
Luckily i have gotten a full time good paying job now, one that forces me to be away during the weeks. She is back at her old job where she works with the guy she was flirting with, he however didnt dare to stand up against me for her when i called him up on the phone and told him to back of, so i think he wont be a problem if not for the fact that her subconcious will remember that as a weak move from his side.
Finding your site 2 weeks ago and starting getting the email helps me put things in perspectiv. I have had regular conntact with her but for the last 2 weeks i have minimized it and focusing on improving myself, if she calls me i might pick up but keeps conversation to a minimum and holds a distance to her.
What i wounder is if i should carry on and go into full No Contact and then proceed with the letter or if it can be a possibility to skip NC and go straight for the letter, being that we had good contact after the breakup it does seems like a risk losing that then try get it back after no conntact.
I know this got long and i didnt intended it to be, but i sincerily would need the help i can get and would like to give as much information that i can.
Id like to add to this that all our mutual friends have allways viewed us like a "perfect" couple and think we are silly and that we still function together like we were a couple and they hope and think we will work this out.
For last i wanna thanks you for the help you provied to everyone that writtes or reads your articles.
Thanks Kevin
//Jerry
Hey Jerry,
I think minimum contact is going to work for you. If you think you need a little bit of no contact, you can inform her beforehand that you need some time and space.
Hi kevin,
My boyfriend and I are together since 5 years, however, break up with me since 1 week since his parents does not approve our relationship as I am a hindu and he is a muslim. He does not want to marry me because of his parents. I would like him to return back to me but he didn't try to contact me yet and before breaking our relationship he said he want to finish our relationship as soon as possible. I want him desperately but I didn't contact me yet. What do I do in this case?
Laxmee,
I don't think there's anything you can do unless he realizes himself that you are more important to him than his parents.
but what can I do to make him return back to me faster?
Laxmee,
Like I said, there's really nothing you can do unless he makes the decision. Even if you could've done something, being hasty is a surefire way to ruining your chances.
Btw kevin, id like get your interpretation here. The reason of our breakup was not clear, she admitted that she doesnt really know whats wrong. But here are the keypoints that she mentioned.
- we are becoming too dependent on each other
- we are becoming too comfortable
- she doesnt feel the spark anymore
- she wants to make decisions for herself and only for herself without concerning me or our relationship. ( i guess this one is an issue of individuality. The "we" and "me" thing.)
What do you think these reasons mean? And what do you think i should do about them when i try to reattract her. When we were still together. We dont see each other regularly. Only during weekends because we both have classes during weekdays and we study in different universities.
Thanks kevin i hope you can help me understand more.
I think she's smothered. Or you maybe doing things that reveals your insecurity. Insecurity (being too dependent, clingy, jealous, always needing approval, not having a life outside your relationship) s the no. 1 attraction killer. Brush off your insecurity and allow her to see you are confident and independent and she'll get attracted i guess. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is self-sufficient. I hope this helps because that's the reason why we broke up also.
Dude! Thanks. I guess i became too dependent and clingy. I also tend to tell her that i can do things because of her and that i cant do it if it werent for her. I also said things like i dont need new friends because she is enough for me. I dont entrtain new friends in school or whatsoever because she is enough for me. thats what i do and i think that killed the attraction? I used to be a fun guy that everyone likes and having fun if they are with me. Man what do i have to do to attract her back? Thanks for the response.
Hey! We're very much on the same case! My fault is I build my life around her and I have forgotten to have a life outside the relationship that's why when she left, I came crumbling down. I think the NO CONTACT rule advised by Kevin, will do ou good. After all, what made her scare away from you is because of clingyness and being too dependent. She's smothered. So i think it will be a big help if you give her some time and space. And while you do the NC rule do things that will help you improve yourself. Build confidence,learn how to be independent, enjoy your alone time, discover yourself, make new friends, go out for a walk. Just do anything tl improve yourself while the NC rule still applies instead of sitting on the corner writhing in ain and drowning ykurself on memories. Sometimes when two people are too close, it hinders you to grow.
And I guess, you being too close to her she became suffocated. She feels as if you don't allow her to grow at all. After all, you're the man in the relationship. She might be expecting that she will be the one to lean on you and depend on you instead of you depending on her too much.confidence, I guess, is the no. 1way to attract someone. When she see you're doing good and learning to stand on your own, she might get interested again. I used to be like you, i never needed anyone other than her. But as i said, get a life outside the relationship. Ad allow her to have a life outside too. In that way she wouldn't feel suffocated and restricted. You just have to trust her that when you allos her to go out and explore, she will always come home to you. Dude, the more you keep someone to yurself the more you scare them away.
And you said you WERE once a fun guy. Then maybe you know who you were when she first fell in love with you. I think you have to do it again. But not just because you want her back but because you also want to improve yourself. But before you do that, make sure the slate is clean meaning you have to get her rid of her image of you as a clingy and needy guy. Do things to improve yourself while you apply the NC rule. You don't find someone to complete you, you must be complete beforehand to unite with someone complete too. Otherwise,you will be just a burden to that someone. Don't expect someone to carry you when you can't carry yourself.
Hey guys,
I have a similar story like you. I was new in town and made her in the first week. She used to call me sexy boy. I was busy, but whenever I was free, I only hangout with her. After 4 or 5 months, she told me to find some friends to hangout with. I never took it serious because she wanted more of me before. I was confused, if I was too much or too less. So, I ended being clingy. I stopped going to gym right from the beginning. Eventually, my weight got increased by 30 Lbs. She didn't like it either (even hated it).
Now, my 30 days are over. From two month ago, I started gym again and dropped about 25 lbs. I feel a lot better. I feel sexy again. Just waiting for her to come back from her probably a ten days vacations which started form the memorial weekend holidays.
Thanks man. I really want to fix this coz she is a great woman, thats why i cant help to be dpenedent on her. I now realize the change i have gone through from the beggining of our relationship. I changed ALOT! I was strong and confident i know i attracted her because of that but i changed. She is suffocated because she felt the burden tolling on her. Im kinda feeling bad right now that i realize what went wrong. Thankyou. I hope i can fix this and show her that the real me is back.
I still have 3 weeka of NC. Because i decided to have 6 weeks. How could i know if the slate is clean? Maybe i should post photos on my social media so she can sww my activities? I was silent since i started NC. For the element of surprise and make her curious. When will be the right time?
Daniel,
No one can never say when your slate is clean. It depends from person to person and what really happened between you two. Kevin in his article says that they start missing you about after 30 days.
Good luck man!
Well my situation is kinda bad. Kevin knows this. We lasted four years and i was her first boyfriend. After the breakup. I messed it up. I become desperate and went crazy for the first 1 and a half month. It was too late before i saw this site. Then i immidiately started NC. Thats why i decided 6 weeks so that my creepiness would also go away. I didnt barrage her with text every minute tho. Now i just hope that after 6 weeks she would respond to me. Thanks man.
Also, back when i was acting crazy. I said that i hope we become friends. She said that "yes we can be friends but not right now. Coz we need to move on."
Ofcourse at first the word "move on" was not okay to me. Then i made a surprise for her. I think a big one. She was happy for what i did. And agreed that we became friends. I said tl her that i will start from the bottom. But she said that she dont want us to force to get back bit just let it cone through naturally. So i agreed. At first we text fine but later on it kinda withered. I guess its because se hasnt sorted out her feelings and not yet emotionally stable.
So i guess she is open for future reconnections?
Thanks dara!
RAED! Everyrhing you said was right on point! She also said that she feels like we have no life outside. That its like we are reatricted to each other. Instead of going out with friends she will choose to be with me coz its not always that we see each other. How can i make her see that i am confident again? I feel like i have a chance really. :)
Daniel,
What is done is done. All we can do is to prove them that breakup was a wrong idea. 4 years cannot be easily ignored or forgotten. So take it easy. I acted creepy for 3 months!!
About Facebook, I believe you should show your normal activities. Show happy and unaffected. If you a good close friend ask him/her to share (tag) pictures of you having fun. In this way, you don't look obsessed with showing off happiness but look happy. If you look happy and confident, they will come to have a share in it!
Good luck!!
Thats what im also planning. My friends should tag me. So it would look like its not my intention. Dude man. We can do this. We just have to be patient and work hard. Thankyou.
Daniel,
I ghess you have a chance. Dara is right, 4years couldn't simply be forgotten. And about posting your activities on facebook is fine but don't overdo it up until the point where she will be hinting that you are just doing it to show off. If you overdo it, it may still give her an idea that you are still insecure.
Yes, it is hard to wipe the slate clean but I guess what you can do is when you'll be seeing her personally one of this days or after the NC rule, just play it cool. Don't jump onto her talking to her about you wanting to get her back and start again. You might scare her away aga8n. What you have to do after the NC rule is to just play it cool and act as if you've accepted her decision. Be happyaround her, don't put pressureor don't talk yet about the 'us'. In that way she can see for herself that you are a changed man now. Maybe you can ask her out for coffee to just hang out or chill out but never ever mention about the relationship.
I guess by wiping the slate clean what you have to do is to not continue the relationship you've left but to start a new one. Act as if you've just get acquainted and you'll see you will be enjoying it too. The thrilling feeling, sparks and excitement may come alive again not just to her but to you as well.
So plan on starting a new relationship with her instead of continuing the unhealthy one before. And when she's back in your arms, avoid the things you have done that had scared her away because if you do, you might not have your chance again. Your advantage now is you have an idea what to do and what not to do so you can keep her forever.
So i suggest, work to improve yourself first. Be happy. Be independent. Try to enjoy thingsand find new hobbies even without her and you'll feel good about yourself. Then when NC period ends,just play it cool as if you just met her and flirtung for the first time.
Goodluck, dude!
Raed, dara. Thankyou. Its good to hear from other people in this community. Not to mention that we share the same situation. Goodluck to you guys! Im doing what i can to make evrery inch of me better.
I think the main reason here is that she lost the spark. The rest of them arose from losing the spark.
How do i get the spark back? I think i should court her again after NC. If she responds. Is there any advice you can give? Thanks kevin.
Kevin,
Im actually kind of excited reconnecting with her. I hope my preparation wont go in vain but i trust myself fully. I dont wanna get my hopes up tho. I also recommend NC for everyone. Its so powerful not for your ex but for YOURSELF. I realized a lot, at first i tried to get new girls thinking that having a new girlfriend will ease the pain or fill the void but no. You really have to find and rediscover yourself. Right now im at the point where i can stand alone and be happy even though i am single. Now that i am fully confident and independent i will try to get my ex back because i want her not because i cant live without her. Thank you kevin for all the help. I hope my last 3 weeks of NC will give more insight and help me reflect more. I am so happy i found this site. Thank you very much.
So the No Contact really did help you?! I started count today now that I can think more clearly. I want to really find out more about myself, my ex helped me bring out things that I didn't know I could do. I am still a bit scared that she'll move on, but I need this for myself. This sounds very encouraging! I wish you the greatest of luck!
Dear Kevin,
My situation is a bit unique. I did not have a full blown relationship with this gentleman but a very good friendship, we reconnected just over a year ago. I visited him 3 times since then -we are long distance. During this time our friendship progressed to the point of talking about a committed relationship (he brought it up) with each other, and possible moving to the same city. My friend ended up still feeling unready for a relationship with fears of the pressure moving would put on the relationship. Our friendship continued and we communicated openly and honestly with each other. He said this is the most open and honest he's ever been with anyone. Cut to the problem... I returned from my last visit a few weeks ago and a couple of weeks after my return there was distance. He told me he's decided to rekindle an old relationship. I'm completely blown away. He tells me he felt he couldn't move forward with me because of the distance. As well he only has feelings of friendship for me. Although he is still very attracted to me, and thinks im amazing, he can't develop feelings for a relationship. I am shocked, this seemed to have come out of no where. I don't know if you may think I may have any chance with reconnecting with him. If you think this method may work, let me know you think what I should do.
Hey Jackie,
I think your chances are very less. Long distance reconciliation is hard as it is and on top of that you were never in a relationship.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. We are 30 yrs old. He moved to Chicago last yr & things didn't turn out well. They pulled a bait & switch with the job & ultimately fired him. He's moved back in with his mom & started a new job. Since his mom has also been out of work, he's been paying her bills. What was supposed to be a 2 months stay to save up has turned into a 4 months and counting stay. He has progressively become distant & has now reached a point of breaking up with me. He said that he has been feeling like less of a man & needs to get himself together. All of our fights prior to the break up were based around him shutting down in his communication. He came to talk to me face to face a week after the break up & insisted that it's not another woman or his desire to find someone else. His birthday just passed, & he was so shocked & happy that I called. He was supposed to call me back, but his co workers threw him a surprise party. He left a message the next morning saying he was sorry that he didn't call back, but was happy that I was one of the first to wish him a happy birthday. He went one to say he hoped that me & the puppy he bought me for Christmas are ok & that we have a good holiday weekend. He ended the message with "I love you". I know I should be doing no contact, but I have slowed down on how often we speak. It seems like we've skipped the no contact & have gone into reminder texts. It seems like he's following this same program, just in fast forward. I want him back , but for good this time. What do I do?
If you are in good talking terms, then continue talking to him and eventually ask him out. If he becomes cold, start no contact.
Hi Kevin,
Just as you said might happen. My ex became cold & blocked my calls. I have since started no contact and am almost at the 30 day point. I'm not sure what to say or if I'm ready to say anything yet. I haven't heard from him at all & don't know if he still has my number blocked. What do I do after my 30 days are up?
You can send him the letter mentioned in the plan. Or the text. If your number is still blocked, you can email him the letter, or facebook message him.
Well I called Monday, & although my number isn't blocked he didn't answer or call back. I waited 2 days & sent him similar to the examples in your article. He still didn't respond. I haven't made anymore attempts. I don't get why he unblocked my number if he's still going to ignore me. I've decided to go back to no contact. I guess he doesn't know what to say yet. What is your take on things?
hey kevin
ill admit up front I'm a skeptic of formulaic methods for addressing something so personal but i am smart and educated enough in psychology to know that certain triggers garner certain responses.
My (ex) girlfriend of 2 1/2 years - we were crazy in love for most of our relationship - - we went through a traumatic experience a few months ago: we both decided to have an abortion due to financial reasons that made her push me away.. a month ago was our last communication. I still love her madly but I do believe that relationships are defined by the difficult times and she panicked and ran. I can forgive her because it is a truly traumatic event but she has to want me again. I don't know if one month NC is enough because of the drama. Im not sure what the steps are beyond but i see if we can get through this we could have a happy life together.
what are your thoughts.
Hey Zed,
I think you should do NC for at least 2-3 months.
thats what i was thinking -
i think the steps after something like this are unique and precarious..
if i feel like she's still the love of my life (she called me that only a few months ago- hard to believe she's pushed me away so hard) after a few months how do you suggest this should play out.. how to I get her to erase the feelings of resentment and the effect it had on her attraction to me (before it we were electric..we were always called the most romantic couple)..
Hey Kevin,
just an update. She checked for my boots when she got back from a trip yesterday. I responded 2 hours later saying , 'k thanks for checking'. Do I need to restart NC?
Actually annoyingly going insane thinking now that I should have just not texted her back at all. AARGGHH!
I don't think it's necessary.
Hey Kevin:
So I've already written a letter to my ex girlfriend (pretty much immediately after the breakup). In the letter, I recounted some of the good times, explained why I thought it was strange that we broke up, and just other things that I had planned for us and how sad I was that we weren't going to get a chance to do those things. So it's been almost a month of no contact and I'm getting ready to contact her again. We were dating for 3 years and we are both 22. The question is should I write her another letter, following the plan or should I send an email, text, or call her instead (since I've already written a letter, may be kinda strange to write another)? Thanks in advance
Yeah, you can go with the email. Or you can skip directly to texts.
Hey Kevin:
How is the best way to go about the no contact thing if we have a child together?
Hey,
It's written in this article.
Hi Kevin,
My bf broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. Yes I did some of the things your not supposed to afterwards texting, calling, and emailing.. He ended our 4.5year relationship because he said he had a feeling we shouldn't be together right now. Then he goes on to tell me he loves me and he's in love with me and no one else could ever take my place . Then continues with he's done and wants no contact between us. It's crazy to me 6 weeks ago he wanted me to live with him, get married and try to have a baby, how does that all change so drastically? How can he kick someone out of his life that he says he truly loves? And how do I get him back?
Hey Joanne,
I know it sucks that people change so drastically. Unfortunately, it's something that we all have to learn to deal with. In reality, no amount of explanation will give you a satisfactory answer to that question. But you can increase your chances of getting him back by following the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I sent my ex girlfriend a "something remind me" text to her and never got a response. Does this mean she's moved on with her rebound and I should just forget her or should I just go back to NC and try again in a few more weeks? Thanks dude.
Not necessarily. At this point, it's your decision. You can do NC and try again or you can concentrate on moving on. You have to ask yourself how long are you willing to pursue her?
I added a comment on Thursday, but don't think I have received a response.....
Hey Rhi,
I can't find your comment. Is it possible for you to post again. Please read comments guidelines before posting.
I have signed up for the step 5 part, but I still have no Idea how the format of the letter should go? Could I perhaps get some examples of these letters? Thanks.
Hey Paul,
You'll get it in the 10th email.
Hi Kevin,
I'm just trying to decide right now if the universe is punishing me for something. Its like I had this one month that was absolutely perfect, not a single thing could have made it better and now, well I cant think of anything that could make it worse. First I get into this mess that I'm in with my ex right now, I'm currently in the process of changing medications for my bipolar disorder so things are a bit up and down right now, then I've got a lot of problems with my school I have to fix and will likely be returning next year, tonight is my prom night which unfortunately I cant go to seeing as how I'm currently single, and on top of all that I'm now at the vets office with one of my dogs and were talking about possibly putting him down because he's really old and having a problem breathing. All of that has been happening in the last month and a half. Honestly I just want to know when all my bad luck is gonna end because it's becoming quite the bummer. I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all of this, because there really isn't anything anyone can do. I've never really been one to sit around feeling sorry for myself or to ask for help with my problems except with my ex. I don't know, maybe its just nice to finally complain about all of it. I just wish there was someone or something I could blame for all my misfortunes but in the end all of them are my own fault, excluding my dog of course. People keep telling me that everything happens for a reason but I'm having a real hard time seeing one.
I just want my life back.
Hey Zack
I'm very sorry to hear this...
Nothing lasts forever, not even our problems,
Currently you have to look deep into yourself and find the strength to endure this difficult period. You will be better,just be patient.
I know this does’t help much.
I'm also going through a difficult period,but remember…can’t rain all the time !
Thanks Martina,
I know its all gonna get better eventually, I'm just trying to take it all day by day, hopefully during the next two weeks she will start to talk to me because after that I wont really have any opportunities to see her. I can honestly say without a doubt that this has been the worst five weeks of my life though, it's true what they say, you never really know what you've got until you have lost it.
Hey Zach,
I'ts been about a month that I have also lost my ex gf. Since then, I visit this page once in a while and read comments including yours. It makes me feel that I am not the only one!
I am so sorry that you had tough days. I wish you good luck. Its seems you are in the right track. In case, things did not work really well, just remember that you are young and have guts to stand on your own feet.
Cheers!
33 days in hell and counting!!! lol
And here is something funny, just 36 days ago, that's only 3 days earlier, we were talking about how we had just had one of the best nights of our lives. Talk about cosmic irony, this sucks!!!
Its strange, one moment I'm filled with confidence and feel as if I know I'm gonna get her back and that its all going to be okay, and then the next its as if the world is ending and all I can think about is what if...what if she wont talk to me again, what if I completely screwed things up, what if I cant fix it, what if I've lost her for good. I think the best thing for me to do is revert to the guy I was before I met her, she obviously liked him, so did I; that guy walked around like he owned everything and ruled the ground he walked on, he said fuck this, and fuck that, and fuck the world, he did what he wanted and life was good. That guy could be a bit of a dick when he wanted to be but never over the top. He was cocky and confident and she told me she loved that about me. So maybe its time to just give the universe the finger and say fuck the world again. Maybe in the end that's what will get her back, because lets be honest, people like that are hard to ignore, they stick out in a crowd and know how to make a scene. I know if she sees me and cant ignore me then shes thinking about me, and if shes thinking about me then she'll think of the good times. So to you, you fucking bastard of a universe, fuck you!!!
P.S. That is my self-inspiring speech! Every good movie seems to have an inspirational speech and they usually end with the guy getting the girl. I actually feel a little inspired, peculiar?
P.P.S. What does P.S. stand for?
Hey, Zach.
We're on the same boat. I feel fucked up by this Universe. Everything bad had happened in just a month which feels like forever already. It's like I'm in a nightmare. I wanna wake up now.
Hey Raed,
When most people hear this they automatically think my ex sounds like a slut but let me first tell you that she is the furthest from a slut. But when we went out for the first time since she broke up with her boyfriend, there was so much tension between us and it had been there for so long that we ended up getting intament on the very same night we had our first kiss. So that is one of the reasons that I know she had very strong feelings for me. That and what she would tell me and others about how I made her feel.
Hey Kevin,
I lost my father in September after a 5 month battle with cancer. My gf (aged 23) left me (aged 22) the following January after 6 years together.
She broke my heart during a time of immense grief. We went 4 months without speaking, and had an amicable meet in April- where it appeared she stood by her decision.
A month has passed since our last meet, and I want to meet her again.
Any advice?
Yours,
JB
Hey JB,
I am sorry for everything you went through. You have my condolences. I will recommend you send her the letter mentioned in the article. And then start sending her texts. Although, I must warn you, even if you do get her back, you will always have a little resentment in your heart about the fact that she left you during such a hard time. And that resentment is going to affect the quality of your relationship with her.
Hello Kevin,
My ex-girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago. She's 17 and I am 18. We had been together for 2 years and knew each other a year before that. We've been best friends from the time we met, and we're out firsts. We got to talk about the break up that day in a very open and calm manner.
She looked like it really pained her to be doing that, I know she likes me. What she told me is that although she did not want to break up, she thought she should, because she had started feeling like she was also liking another guy I know. It's not like their interacted a lot, or really talked in private. To me it seemed more like a crush. She would never cheat, but she felt she did not want to hurt me because she didn't feel as strongly as I do. I feel like I basically just listened to her and let her go. We did open up about this, and I think I understand a bit. In the end i said" I hope you are able to work out your feelings, but please don't make me a stranger in the future, I am your friend."
I feel that a reason for her feeling like that was my fault, because as we spent more time together, I became complacent and secure about our relationship. It was like I didn't try more to make her happy, I was working on everything with our future in mind. For now, I really am going to work on myself, and try to become happy with myself. Its the first time that we have not spoken with each other for so long, so I want to prove to myself that I can live without our interaction. I feel she needs space too.
Kevin, I know we are really young, and at this point everyone will say that we need to meet other people. To that I say, I will try my best, but I really feel that I love this girl. We have been through a lot. I just want to hear your opinion, do you think we might still have a chance? Just anything... Aside from my romantic feelings, she is also my best friend, I don't want that to die.
You do have a chance Victor. No matter what happens, I am sure you will do great in your life.
Kevin,
My girlfriend (20) and I (28) had a long distance relationship for 6 months. During the time we never had one fight and but had a few bumps in the road due to the distance.
We had similar things in common but also had our differences too but accepted them and embraced them as well. She's the girl who in 6 months made me happier than any other relationship that had lasted longer.
A day after our 6 months, she contacted me and said she wanted a break, saying she wasn't sure of our future and wasn't sure if she wanted to move in with me. A few days later she said she just wanted to be friends, loved me but wasn't in love with me, something was missing.
This came out of nowhere and I took me by storm. It's been two weeks and I'm still not feeling better from the aftermath. On top of it, she's already seeing another guy and putting pictures of of them together, but the smile on her face seems forced.
I love this girl, with all my heart and told her I'd fight for her even if she broke up with me (which she warned me about cold feet) I know you say I shouldn't worry because it's probably a rebound, but I'm scared. I want another chance to show her that we were meant to be.
What do you recommend?
I recommend you follow the 5 step plan. That's your best chance to get her back. Contacting her hoping that it'll make her breakup with that other guy is futile. You should contact her after no contact, but don't try to get her to breakup. Let it be her idea. If she is unhappy, she will do it eventually.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I had been dating a year and a half. We both went home for the summer from college. It had only been a few days and we had been arguing because he wasn't talking to me much anymore. He broke up with me because he says we argue too much. The next day he said we didn't click, he wasn't the right guy for me, and that he didn't see us in the long run. This break up totally blind sided me. We were awesome before school ended. Two of his best friends live at his house and both are single. I believe that they might have convinced him to do it. He was very cruel when he did it and didn't want to meet face to face for closure. I have no understanding of what the real reason is and neither does anyone else. We haven't talked in almost two weeks. Do we still have a chance? What do you think?
I think it's worth trying at least once. If it doesn't work, move on.
After having read through your entire article there is one part of the article that completely stands out to me and I would like some advice on my current situation. You said in the article that-
"What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T."
Could you please explain to me how my ex managed not only dump me out of the blue but get engaged to a complete and random stranger within a weeks time that he met a month ago?
Our relationship is long distance but we have met before and he told me everything was fine in the relationship but when I hadn't heard back from him in 3 weeks I decided to contact him and see what happened. He told me he thought we had broken up even though that never ever happened and our relationship was perfectly fine.
He tells me last night that he met another guy in some motel and for the past month they were together and that somehow just a week ago just like that the guy proposed to him and they are now engaged to be married. It sucks to see that he completely blew me off for an entire month here and not only that he was able to move on from me so quickly that he didn't even care or miss me at all.
What's worse is hearing that he got engaged just like that when he barely knows the guy and me and him were together for months. What do you suggest here to fix this? What can I do in my situation to make things better and get him to leave his "fiance" and come back to me before it's too late and they end up getting married? Your help is appreciated.
Hey John,
I am sorry it happened. I don't think there's much you can do if he decides to go through with the marriage. Although, odds are that their relationship will fall apart before that. There's nothing much you can do except follow the plan. No contact and getting back in touch will still be the best course of action.
hi Kev,
I've came across your website and it's great. I am definitely going to try NC for a month... and to become a happier person :) it's been almost 5 months after we broke up – I broke up with him because I felt that he loved me less than before but i was also aware that i reacted badly many many times... the pain after our break up was awful but i know it was necessary.. i couldnt be the same person as i was before.. i finally saw a pattern in my relationship, he was some kind of a mirror of myself, projecting all my mistakes... I contacted him many times after the break up, regretting that we are no longer together but he was firm, he said we need to understand why it happened. Then he stopped any communication with me... he was polite, always responding to my emails/texts but it was always me who initiated the contact. He said it's over for him and didnt want to talk about our relationship anymore. Even though i needed some closure. Of course I met other guys, but i still cannot get him out of my head/heart... i think that we both learnt a lot from our mistakes and if we do get back together, it would be different and we would appreciate the relationship more than before. So last week i suggested a meet up, first he said yes but then rejected the idea, asking why i want to meet. I simply said because "i am still thinking of you..." he said that he knows but he's not interested and it's finished for him. So I started to accept the reality, moving on slowly but then – 3 days later – he contacted me on gmail. After 3 months of not starting any communication from his side!!! we only chatted briefly, i was nice and friendly and made it clear that i am having a social life of my own and i am ok. But now.. i am more confused than before... i am wondering if there is a chance of getting back together... Thank you for your response!!!
Yes, there is.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. We just broke up a couple of weeks ago. Everything was ok, despite the usual ups and downs until she dumped me in front of her colleagues when i went to pick her up after work. She said she didn't want to talk or see me ever again. She said she was no longer into me. I then stopped contacting her for two weeks. She contacted me because she was suspended at work and i ran to her rescue and her case is still pending. A week later she still doesn't anything to do with me. She even said she wud understand if i saw another girl to satisfy my guy needs. She refuses to stop calling me tho. I don't know what to do coz every time she calls i get my hopes up. I told her that we shud end things once and for all coz when i call her, she doesnt answer but she expects me to answer her calls. She goes out with other guys. Could she be checking out her options or must i give her some space?
My gf ask for no contact 2 days ago, and since then we've had no contact. However one of our friend ask her about us and she said that my gf said "She really doesn't want me anymore. She still loves me but she's really tired so she is going to let go" I just want to know if i can still get her back as i really love her? It hasn't been that long since we broke up so i'm hoping that maybe she is still abit upset and doesn't really mean it. My friends say she still has pictures of us together on her wall as well as the wallpaper of her cell phone. Will the NC bring her back to me?
It'll definitely increase your chances.
I had a boyfriend of 4yrs, which was we were together for 3yrs and he decided to go abroad for 1year. We're the same age, 24 years old now. After a year in abroad, before going back to our country Ive finally decided to try my luck also working abroad. That time, we have misunderstanding regarding time and support to each other's dreams. We broke up before he came back and Ive finally decided to work on other country. We never had a chance to meet or talk in person. Yes, we message each other seldomly. Till I greet him on his birthday a week ago and he never reply on it. Because of my disappointment, I unfriend him on social network for me to finally forget about him. Apparently, He invited me again and send a song to hear by. I ask him what purpose of the song and never heard anything again. I didnt welcome his invitation anymore and at this moment he blocked me in the said social network. It was so devastating that we really dont know each other and we've end up so badly. I just want to release my odd felling about it and hopes time will heal our heartwounds. Thanks and more power.
Hello
I broke up with my Girlfriend Few Months Back & I didn't contacted her for 2 months l, Last week In the middle of Night , I got a call from her number 2 times in 10 Minutes INTERVAL. , my phone WAS ON call Waiting, From date of her call , My Messenger was offline from 1 week , I sent her SMS that 'Is everything ok ?'. But she didn't replied , Then Next day I asked her through Text Msg ' That I got Call from your Number 2 Times . What was That For ? Or It wasn't You'. She replied That she saw Miss Call from my number & Dialled Accidentally. But I didn't Called her In Last 2 months. As she lied to me once again , so i cut Of Conversation With ' Delete My Number , It may be Good For Us' ! After That She's' Offline' From her messenger , Like I was & I am still 'Offline'. We are going to meet now in 2 days , In some Public Seminar, How Should I react & I still Love her , But want to keep my self respect too. I made Changes in me after we broke off. Like Losing Massive weight & In my Appearance Looking more Younger & Athletic. I want her to get back to me But She has cheated with me in Past & Guy Who she was Dating Has Left her !
Please Advise How should I go About It When i Run Into her After 2 Days ? & How will i find out That She still Love me 7 Want to reconcile.
Jass Nayyar
Hey,
Be cordial. Look happy. Don't talk about anything personal. Have a good time. Keep the conversations short. Less than 5 minutes.
Hello Kevin,
as soon as we both bumped into each other , she got nervous & her face became red, i made a first shot by asking how is she and she replied 'I am Good' & I SAID 'Hope Things are good at your end' & Good to see you....Then i cut off conversation & moved ahead....& i didn't made any eye contact with her through out my presence there. after when i came back Home i couldnt resist & called her twice but she didnt picked up. Then i sent her text that Our ego & anger wont lead us anywhere, and what mattters is what we've earned in our life. I asked her in Text msg that if she wants to have call from me in future or not, i will respect her answer as same way i didnt contacted her for such a long period, But she didnt gave any reply back neither 'Yes' nor' No'. What do you say ?
Please advise me
I think it was too soon for you to call her. On top of that, you called her more than once and left a message as well. You showed neediness. You need to start no contact all over again.
Hi Kevin
Thanks a ton for your reply, as you said i am not contacting her now but now after 10 days she mailed me & started things again like Blaming me for Everything, I replied back with my mail addressing her that 'Plz let it be like this' , I don't want to discuss anything & gave my view on same saying her that i admit that things were bad from my side too , and i am not responsible for everything & . But after 4 days of my email , she called up while i was on Party with my friends though i have blocked her from Facebook & deleted my messenger on my phone, I took one call & she didn't said anything and disconnected phone, again after 15 mins she called again,but this time i didnt picked her call, may be she saw my posts from someother facebook account, I didnt messaged her that why was she calling , as last time she said it was by mistake she 'dialled' my number, she's checking on me 'where am i ' but when exchanging words on email she says' she not bothered at all'. i am not contacting her and now i think its a matter of my self respect too.As my birthday is coming on 30th june and seriously i am not expecting her call , i want to be back on messenger after my birthday, Now Please suggest
Hi Kevin,
I'm a pretty big knowledge nut, once I find something interesting I strive to know more. A while back I fixated on the brain and some of its functions, especially one in particular, memory. I know quite a bit about memory recollection and ways to invoke memories in a person. For instance, certain smells can cause specific memories to involuntarily flood into the conscious mind. I wont go into detail as to the specific reasons this happens but essentially the parts of the brain that are responsible for memory formations is closely tied into the parts of the brain the are responsible for the sensory organs such as sight, smells, and hearing. Because of this, certain sights, sounds, and smells, when perceived can involuntarily invoke memories that those specific smells were present during. By using these senses, not only are the memories invoked, but so are the emotions experienced during the memories and they can be just as powerful and intense as they were when the memory was formed. My question to you, would it be morally acceptable to use such knowledge and techniques to remind my ex of moments of bliss? To trigger certain memories of times that we spent together where there was significant emotions involved?
P.S. If you have questions on the specifics of how this works or just want to know more, I can explain in further detail in an email.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
Okay cool, thanks Kevin
If you want to know more on how it works, let me know, its pretty cool stuff in my opinion.
Also, we are trying to be friends, but I wanted to find out how to get past being friend-zoned when we finally do meet, if that is where his head is at (of course I plan to look as hot as possible, etc.. and yes, I think I have improved for the better since our break-up.. I feel like a whole new person). His reason for the break-up was that he didn't feel that crazy connection he wanted (the spark faded), although he says he cares for me deeply. I'm worried about being just thought of as a friend.
If you do feel like a whole new person, he will probably feel the spark again. Don't worry about it.
NC is over (I have to admit it only lasted 24 days).. I sent him an email 2 days ago, similar to what you suggested (very short, saying I had accepted the break-up, etc.).. he replied back saying he was hoping I would get in touch with him again and that he was happy when he saw any online activity from me on social media. We have had some short email exchanges, and I am thinking that I am writing back too quickly and too much (I replied a longer one to his last short one, but at least the exchange has only been one to one so far). I replied to him last night and haven't heard back yet (it is Friday night now). We haven't moved to text because we started this email exchange. I was wondering how long you would advise in between replying to his emails? I don't want to come across as overly excited and needy...
Also, is it better to switch to text?
I'll recommend you don't contact him for a week and then switch to text. As long as you are not replying to his emails instantly, you won't look needy.
I just got an email back today that was super brief. I think you are right.. Will stop replying and switch to text in a few days. I have to think about what to text about.
we have been texting back and forth, and all is going well.. and he replied to an email this morning (he sent me a slightly longer one). i haven't replied yet and was going to leave it until tomorrow so i don't come across too eager. we have been having some pretty good rapport. i was wondering when is a good time to ask him to meet up.. i don't want to jump the gun. he has not made any moves to do so himself.
Ask him out after a week or two of texting.
My gf and i just broke up recently. We've been together for just a little over 2 years now. Our fight started because of me, i was angry at her and jealous so i ignored her for a couple of days. Then realise my mistake so i txted her sorry cause she didn't wanna see me. When she finally wanted to see me, she said she didn't wanna be with me anymore, so i did what most would do in order to keep her, i begged and pleaded etc... Not sure what's going on but she said we're back together, not sure if she meant that or she just wanted to get rid of me. Then few days later she ask for some space and time, so i said ok but we still continued to txt each other. Few days later again she asked for no communication at all, and that she will talk to me again soon. I agreed to it and ask her not to take too long and she replied "we'll see". Here is where i'm at a loss, am i losing her?
I can't say if you will lose her or not, but it'll be a good idea to give her the space she needs. If she wants to breakup, accept it gracefully and start the 5 step plan.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend (of a year) and I fell in love hard and quick as we had so many things in common and had a great connection. I met his family and moved in and EVERYTHING was great. Then, suddenly he broke his arm and couldn't work anymore to support us and he's old school so he won't let me help financially, especially that I am a student and not working either. So, he told me to go back home to my family bought me a plane ticket and said he'd call me when he's better. Since I've left I bombarded him with texts and he called once saying, he can't be with anyone anymore and he's very disappointed (on the verge of depression). I've received no phone calls or texts from him and it's been a month. I'm trying the NC rule and this is my first week, but we didn't fight or anything for the breakup to happen it happened because of his health and money. He always said he's never felt this way about a girl before and I feel the same about him. I'm not unhappy about myself, and not depressed about the breakup because I'm hoping he'd call me when he's better which will be in 6 months for his arm to heal (according to doctors). Please Kevin, help me with what I should do here? I don't want to look needy with my texting anymore and I've taken your advice on NC rule (though it's been hard). I'm concentrating on my studies in the meantime and trying to get a job or work experience to get me work, but I want to move back to the city and be with him. He has no financial security but we both had plans for our future that we both were doing before his unfortunate arm break. He feels embarrassed especially cos at his age, 35, he should have some financial security (but so should I). Do you think we have a chance together? Do you think he'll come back to me?
You do have a chance. Give him the space he needs. You can contact him once every month to catch up. But don't pressure him into getting back together and if he's still depressed, give him space.
OMG I can't believe you replied so quickly, you're the greatest! :)... He's not answering his phone at all!!! Do I still call him?
In that case, don't call him for at least two months. After that, send a text first, to test the waters.
Thank you Kevin, if he doesn't answer me still does that mean it's over? He said I was his life and never felt about anyone like this before. Plus we had future plans and suddenly he lost hope in everything when the doctors told him he couldn't work with his arm for a while and he lost what little savings he had cos of it... I want to know what's going on in his head and if he'll ever be the happy person I once knew. What should I do if he doesn't answer me even after two months? and What should I say in my message? thank you so much Kevin, I appreciate your help :)
Hey Rihanna,
If he's depressed, then no one can know what's really going on in his mind, even him. You shouldn't waste your mental energy into thinking about it. And no, it's not over if he doesn't answer your call. You can send him the "something reminded me of you text" mentioned in the article. If he doesn't respond, then wait another 3 months before contacting him.
Me and my ext were together for 1 year. We are both 22 years. Before me she had got 5 boyfriends and she had always managed to find a new boyfriend as soon as possible ( that is because she has a low self esteem because she thinks is not good looking). I am her longest relationship. For me - she is the first serious relationship. We started dating after 3 month in which we were friends with benefits. She wanted me so bad, that I could not resist her. But only 3-4 months after the relationship started I saw that she was not that into me as before. She stopped wanting to have sex and I was no able to arouse as in the begining also the pointless fights started. These are the reasons why I broke up with her this January with the idea to be just freinds and hopefully she would understand her mistakes and about a time we would be together again. Sadly she started searching for new boyfrined as soon as possible. When I asked her why so quickly, she became very angry and said we can't be friends if I ask her questions like this. Then I said that I thought she was going to cheat on me and she said she would blocked me from fb and didn't want to contact her anymore. Then I tried some desperate contacts via SMS but she was ignoring them I even called her and told her that despite everything I loved her but she said that she didn't love me anymore and would never do. So I wrote her some stuff about her personality which would hurt her. After week I called her one more time to ask her to go out and she was even more angry and used rude words againts me. Of course I replied again with the personal issue that would hurt her but without rude words or swears.
In March she got a new boyfriend and she tried to make me jealous by facebook ( because she knew I was stalking her despite blocking me) and even sent me a naked picture with him to see his tatoo. Then I applied no contact rule. Meanwhile she broke with him. After 30 days I called her to ask her to go grab something to eat, because I have a good occasion. She said no wished me all the best and so did I. After 5 minuts she called angrier than ever and again told me not to call her because "You can't talk to me bulshit and then call me " and I hung up the phone. 4 days after the conversasion she went to see one of her old friends in different town ( even though she hate this girl) and posted pictures on this girl's facebook so that I can see them and become angry. Of course, I ignore it. So 20 days have passed since my second attempt with no contact. Do I have chance or not?
You do have a chance. But if you get her back, it's not going to be a healthy relationship, in my opinion. Do you really see yourself having a long and healthy relationship with this girl?
My rational side says - no. I know that probably it is just an addiction that I feel at the moment rather than love. But the emotional part of me wants her back.
If its your first serious relationship then its probably best to just leave it and move on. While there are many good lessons in this article, it is obvious that you are lacking in the sort of emotional strength or perspective required to be successful. You may think this is the end of the world and you must do everything in you power to get her back , but chances are you dont miss her, you just miss being in a relationship ( and the sex ).
The best thing you can do is determine what mistakes you made so you are less likely to repeat them the next time you are in a relationship. Improve yourself and find the strength to not be so needy. In the long run you'll be a better man for it.
Hi, I'm sorry to butt in. But I think Kevin is right. If ever you reconcile with her, it will be a very unhealthy relationship based on the way she acts and reacts. I know how hard it is to move on but I think you might be destroying yourself in the process of wanting her to get back.And sooner or later you will find yourselves again breaking up, wanting ber back, repeat until fade. It is hard to move on but it'll be harder if you spend the rest of the days or months sticking onto her. On't lose yourself in the process of loving someone so much. You might just be missing the feeling of being in love and emotionally attached just because it has been in your system but you can no longer be in love. You just get into that addiction. Save yourself from so much pain in the future. After all, the decision is always yours. God bless, bud!
Thank you, bud! You are right!
Believe the rational side. Your emotions will change with time. But facts and reasons don't change with time.
Still I used the magic letter and it worked. She replied and apologized too. Moreover she said that everything is in the past and wished me all the best.
My ex and I have been together for two years, he is 25 and I am 23. We've been in an apartment together for the last year and signed another years lease in January. February I totaled my car and we cosigned on a brand new one for me. He is a merchant mariner so he is on a ship for at least 6 months out of the year. I seem to want to fight with him the couple weeks leading to him getting on a ship, I think that's my way of transitioning to living without him for awhile. When he gets on the boat everything is great and once he gets off it's even better!
Anyways, we went on vacation with his family in March and we fought most of the time. I'm not entirely use to how quiet his family is so I just felt uncomfortable and it didn't seem like my boyfriend wanted to spend time with me away from them. So the vacation ended up being a nightmare for both of us. We got home and things seemed to be going well, but he was getting on a boat soon so the fighting between us kept going. We went out one night and got into a big argument when he got home and he wanted to break up with me then. We took a couple days, I begged him to stay, we talked it out and things were fine. The rest of our time together was great before he got on the ship and we both said we were happy things were working out.
He got on the ship for two weeks before coming home and breaking up with me. I brought up a past issue we had when he got on the ship and I think my inability to let things go sometimes got to him. He came home and cried when he broke up with me. Saying part of him wanted this to work but it just wasn't. We talked about marriage down the road in February and he told me that I was no longer the girl he wanted to marry. Pretty heart breaking to hear. We had already been looking for land to build on this fall when he left so our relationship was starting to get more serious.
I'm not sure if all the fighting and pressure of our future together got to him but he just kept saying he needed space. I moved out within two days. We said we both needed to work on our friendship before anything else. I met up with him after a couple weeks for a beer and I didn't act needy at all. I told him I agreed this breakup was a good idea and that I would continue to support whatever decision he made. I mentioned I thought this relationship was still viable but space was definitely needed. He seemed surprised that this time around I wasn't begging him to stay. A week and a half goes by without talking and he called to tell me I had mail at the apartment. I went over there later that day to grab it and it appeared that we both thought it was good to see each other. I asked to kiss him one more time before he sailed for the next three months and he laughed and said yes. He held on to me like nothing had changed. He rested his forehead against mine. We both said we still had all the feelings for each other and it upset us both because it wasn't working out right now. I'm not exactly sure what wasn't working out but it just seemed like he gave up.
We ended up hanging out again that night and things got really intimate really quick with us. Which I know I shouldn't have done but I initiated it so I felt in control, but maybe he was the one in control. We laid on the couch together and all he wanted to do was hold me and touch me. He kept kissing the back of my head and held on to me tighter. He said it would be hard to see me as a friend at first because we've always been so physically attracted to each other, but believe me there was more to our relationship than attraction. I mean we were in the neighborhood for property to build on THIS FALL. I stayed over until the morning and he said we'll see how the summer goes. The whole time spent with him I could tell he felt the same way about me as I did him.
It's been two weeks of NC. It's getting easier each day and I've respected his need for space. I've done the opposite of what he's expected of me only because I really just see this as him needing space but not knowing how to ask for it. Is this relationship viable? I've been following the plan and have been feeling better about myself. I think I should wait for him to contact me only because it'll show me he's ready to take a step forward. What do you think about this?
We have great relationships with each others friends and family. It just seems like he will come around eventually.
Yes, it's definitely viable. You are doing the right thing. It's a good idea to let him contact you first. If he doesn't contact in you in two months, you should reach out to him.
Kevin,
He's had one other girlfriend than me and it was an on again off again relationship for 6 years. I actually started talking to her after the breakup, he wouldn't find out so I don't see this as a bad thing.
She was happy to help me and said everytime they broke up he would initiate the breakup. Also it always took between 1-2 months before he would even talk to her. We both though he was just overwhelmed with everything going on and needed space but didn't know how to ask for it.
It's hard to have space when you live together so I understand. She also said my relationship was a lot more mature than theirs was and there's a lot of things going for us.
Thank you for the reply. I'll wait for him to contact and if he doesn't after two months I'll contact him. It was our 2 year anniversary before he broke up with me so I got him a gift. A golf ball marker with his monogram on the front and "love,Rina" on the back. It was waiting for him on the boat after the breakup. He already knew he would have it there since I told him at the time of the breakup but do you think appreciated it? Or if that's helped him miss me at all?
We are still facebook friends and my Facebook has been very positive lately and I've posted a lot of very happy pictures of myself. Do you think he's keeping tabs on me there?
Other than that, anything else I can do to help better our situation?
Don't go overboard with the sharing happy pictures on facebook. Keep your facebook activity normal. Yes, he is definitely keeping tabs on you there. I am pretty sure he will appreciate the gift since you bought it before the breakup.
I haven't gone overboard on Facebook at all- just everything I post is positive.
Do you think he'll initiate contact before two months? He's always said it's nice to have someone there to talk to him that's not on the boat and that I keep him some what sane while he's out there.
I can only imagine that he's wondering why I'm not talking to him and that I appear to be dealing with this breakup really well. It just would seem like he's got to start really missing me some time soon.
Hey Kevin,
We were together for more that a year both 20 years . What if the cause of breakup is not a lie, or a cheat but some words that you said to your girlfriend that really hurt her? Does this make things worse than if it was a lie or a cheat?
Not really. I think it's less damaging than a lying or cheating.
Okay, I broke trust with my ex via some judgmental things I said to her in a number of emails. We had a really solid connection and I screwed up big time. She distanced herself and said she would wait and see how I responded - I did not do well sending many more emails and texts. I also made most of the other mistakes. Our last date was Christmas Day - and she said she was no longer interested in seeing me or even being friends in February . Unfortunately I see her every week in our spiritual community so the no contact rule is hard. I don't want to leave this community because it nourishes me. Even thought she has said she is no longer interested in a relationship, she still connects at church, gives me hugs and talks to me. I even started backing off and she seemed to get mad that I was ignoring her. She says she still cares for me but is not interested in friendship or getting back together because she finds me "untrustworthy" given my judgments. I have been working on this and see her point - I am making the changes in the background. Anyway, I feel we are soul mates but given the break in trust due to harsh words and some other inconsistencies she seems unwilling to give me another chance. I am doing my best to let go and allow things to run their course. But I am deeply in love with her and want to know if there are possible ways to win her back.
Whenever you see her, talk to her as an acquaintance. Don't talk about anything personal, the breakup, or getting back together. That will act as no contact rule for you. After it's over, follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
I tried replying to your post on my original post, but I don't think you saw it. You suggested I skip NC. My concern with that is that he will just be comfortable with being friends and never pursue more. Also, I should probably mention that out of spite (& because I didn't want to seem desperate) I said we would never get back together, and so did he. I think (I hope) we’ve both moved past saying it’s impossible, more just unlikely. Last time it came up he said ‘some maturing is definitely required on both our parts’. I really don’t want to be just friends though. I don’t know how to make him see that without looking desperate. I also think I need a little time to improve myself so the same thing doesn't happen all over again. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your help.
Hey,
I replied to your original post here.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about two months ago. The only problem is that we are living together until mid June when our lease is up. She broke up with me because our relationship was volatile and she was no longer interested in me or in having a relationship. Needless to say, these past two months have been rough on me. She's been contacting her ex and another guy and it hurts to know that. I've taken some time to myself and have realized my part in the break up. There were things I did in the relationship that could have pushed her to the brink of a breakup. There have been times when it almost seems like she wants me back but it never leads to a full fledged relationship. I know where my boundaries are and I try not to cross them. We've been sleeping in separate bed but one night we fell asleep in the same bed and she even cuddled with me! How do I get her back when I live with her? She is the love of my life and I know now that there were things I needed to fix. Thanks for any advice.
I've written about it in this article.
Kevin i am posting again because the situation has become too complex now.
My ex started talking to her ex of 2 years ago, that guy has once used her and she knows this too. I came to know about this through her gmail account which is attached to her facebook. If they get back together i see no chance of us being together.
My gf wanted to have a physical relation with me but earlier i was not ready and when i got she was not ready. We were together for 2 years. Its been 8 months since we were fighting (first 4 month i did and next 4 months she did). I have improved myself a lot and i mean it, its been 14 days since i last contacted her, should i ask her to meet me, should i tell her because she talked to him i am going away forever, this is way too complex situation i feel like changing her facebook password but i guess that would be totally wrong.
I could not help but remove her from my facebook account.
I had actually changed her fb password so that she will change it and i will stop stalking her. I think i made a big mistake. I am crying right now is there any way to cover this ?
I wanna meet her before we start college.
Whatever happened, is done. I don't think there's any way to cover this. At least now you won't be stalking her anymore. Don't try to rush things. It'll backfire.
Just because she is talking to someone doesn't mean she will start a relationship with him. This doesn't change your strategy. Don't freak out. And more importantly, stop stalking your ex. Let her talk to whoever she wants. Stop watching her every move. Concentrate on yourself.
Thank you. And i am very sorry for so many posts.
I believe i have no way to show her that i am happy now and all, but i guess i should not care about it and be happy.
I was thinking to apologize to her about changing her facebook password should i or not ?
And as i created a blunder here i am very terrified if she would even meet me or not when i will ask her to.
And yes i think it had no effect on her. She is the happiest person ever. Hope i will be that too then she would be back to me. Should i make a short apology or a small message via facebook in a positive way ?
Don't do anything now. If you want, you can send her a short message apologizing. But it's not necessary. Make sure you continue no contact for another 2-3 weeks.
Hey I read your post and it seems really really effective But I'm not getting a chance to implicate it.. my ex boyfriend and I are in the same class and we've the same set of friends so I don't really know how to avoid him. We Had been going through a bad phase for quite a while cause I'm not okay with him smoking and a bunch of other things came up and after a while I told him I'm not able to see a future with him , which I didn't mean I'm just a very impulsive person and I say stuff I don't mean when I'm upset. Since then we hadn't been ourselves for over a month cause I'm not myself when we don't sort things out. We've been together for 4 years with 3 breaks and 2 of them were my fault so since I told him that I'm not able to see a future it has affected him quite a lot and he broke up with me 3 days back.. we're perfect for eachother we've always had that level of comfort and understanding and nobody gets me better than him and vice versa and everyone who knows us just know that we'll end up together no matter what but he himself has started doubting it.. I don't know if it's temporary or not but I went through the same thing with him but in the end we got back together. What should I do? Do you think there are chances of him coming back to me? It's killing me to imagine my future without him and it's scaring me.. and will I be able to implicate the no contact thing though we're in the same class and we hang out with the same people? :/
Yes, there's a chance. You can still follow no contact. If you have a conversation with him, keep it short and don't talk about anything personal.
hey kevin i left a comment yesterday..but it seems dat u didn't reply. plz do reply..i need ur advice.
Hey,
I can't find your comment. Please post again. Make sure you read comments guidelines before posting.
I followed the NC rule for 2 months.. is he ever gona text me?
If he didn't text you, you should contact him.
Kevin,
I cant see my posts im lost on this ocean of comments lol. Anyway i need advice and assesment. Im in my 3rd week of NC right now. I feel good sometimes i still think of her but im not hurt that much unlike before. Im having fun, i hangout with friends. Meet new people and women. Flirt and date with them. I also feel that i can live without her but i really want her back because she i s a great woman and i mean really great man. I was lucky to have her yet i neglected our relationship. The thing is ive realized many things during NC, my mistakes and shortcomings but i dont feel confident enough that i can win her back i cant find a way to make a positive change in my life or prove to her that i have changed. Yes i feel like my strenght and confidence is back but i think i still lack something. What else can i do during NC? I dont want to just simply have fun i want a solid result coz i know its not enough. Thanks kevin.
Hey Daniel,
Just having your confidence back is a huge positive change. You said the reason you broke up because you neglected the relationship. You can show change when you get back in touch by taking her out on exciting dates, taking control, paying attention to her needs.
Kevin, id like to know your opinion. Me and my ex lasted almost 4yrs. Shes 19 and im 22. I became a creep after the breakup. Did all the mistakes for the first 1 and a half month after the breakup then i started NC without telling her. Last thing we did i accompanied her in her school and ate lunch. The next day i went NC because i saw that we really need time and space if i want to fix this. How many weeks or months do u suggest i go NC? I decided 6 weeks but i want to hear your opinion. Also what do i do if she didnt reply if i text her the message suggested above? Thanks kevin.
6 weeks sounds good. If she doesn't reply, you wait two weeks and try again.
Thanks kevin! You are such a big help.
Hey Kevin, I don't see my comment which was posted yesterday evening around 3 pm, please respond.
Thanks
It's here.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for the insightful blog, and emails. I've found them very helpful!
I just finished a 32 day no contact with my ex (together nearly 1.5 years). I texted her, in a fun and positive way (similarly to your examples). She responded and all, in a 'middle of the road' kind of way. I don't want to force a conversation, or have an empty one texting back and forth (aka, desperate). Should I wait a day or so before I message her again? What are your suggestions?
Thanks!
If the conversation ended, wait a couple of days to text again.
kev,
we got in a huge fight (one of many) even though it was going great the past few weeks. I took things too personal and made it worse then what it actually was and now he wants time to think if it is worth it even though he loves me and i am amazing. He said that though he loves me 99 percent of the time but that there is this other part that it might not be worth it. That he would almost rather be with someone so amazing if there was consistency/nofighting. so he needs/space and time to think. He said not to contact him that he would contact me...when i asked for a timeline he got upset and said he didnt have one. He said lets say a month and i might contact you before that or i might not. It has been about 10 days and i have not contacted him. If he does not contact me in a month, should I not reach out to him?
Thanks
Brit
If he doesn't contact you in two months, contact him.
Hi Keven,
I took your advice and went out on a date with someone the past two nights and tried my best have a good time but found that I was completely uninterested in her. I'm not saying I didn't have fun, because I did, its just it had nothing to do with her but was because of what we were doing. I thought she was attractive and would be cool to hang out with but that was as far as it goes. Tomorrow I'm planing on hanging with my friends where we used to hang instead of avoiding her by hanging somewhere else like I was doing during no contact. I have no intention of talking to her or even letting her think I've noticed her but instead just let her see me hanging with my friends in our old spot where she will have to walk past. This way she can see me having a good time with my friends, because as you have said, happiness is attractive and also by not confronting her she will not see it as me trying to get back together with her and thus looking needy. I plan on wearing something that should bring up a bliss memory between us and also wearing a special cologne she was specifically fond of and that stands out. Is there anything else I can do or am I doing something wrong that I shouldn't?
You are doing good. Good luck. :)
Dear Kevin,
My situation is a little different.
Because I am the ex that is talked about over here all the time.
I left my first (serious) boyfriend beginning 2012.. I left him because of a little lie that created a insecurity for me in our relation.. i just wasnt sure about him whether he loved me or not.
I wasnt sure about this because our relationship was a long distance relationship.
It was so difficult to keep it up, we were planning to get married and I would live in the country that iam actually from.
Nevermind.. I was in the beginning of my graduate program and i thought leaving him would be the best thing for myself to get myself together after a relationship that was taking all of my energy.
I know for sure I would never finish my study because he was getting the primary thing i thought of when making choices etc.
In the beginning when i told him that i wanted to break up, he ddidnt accept it. It took me 6 months to break up, because I was still loving him, this was not becaus of him.. this was because of myself and my own insecurities.
I had the rebound relationship with two different persons, they were definitely not my type, not my kind of persons. But te only thing is they encouraged me to become stronger.
I was not so desperate and that was the reason I was stronger and didnt hurt myself.
But I did never sleep with them.. i just couldnt do it..
I always reminded me of my ex when they tried to kiss me etc.
I was searching for him, but at a different place. Here int he netherlands instead of turkey.
I thouht I could find him, over here.. but i suck.
I realized at the moment that my best friend (a guy) asked me to marry him.. just suddenly.. because he was secretly in love.. but he was my best friend so i couldnt reject him, neither say yes.
I said i dont love you.. to my best friend and I told him to give me some time.
he did. But his sister, also a good friend went viral on the internet.
Suddenly everyone thought i said yes...
I cried the whole evening.. I realized that I never wanted to get married to someone else than my ex.
after this, I decided to go to turkey..
Just to be able to see him..
I called my family in Turkey who know him, and asked for his number.
I called he didnt take it.
Then I texted him, and told him I wanted to talk to him. and my name .
He called me directly.
He was in shock he couldnt believe that I was it..
However after speaking him in the phone for 1 hour..
I realized he was still checking my facebook page, instagram etc. He said i saw your ring.
And that he was happy.. for me.
I told him I never said yes, and I could never my best friend, how everything went. And that I would leave the other guy because I never loved him.
Before I told this to him, he said that he moved on after two years.
This made me faint etc. I was that night in the hospital.. and my mom told this to my ex.
The next day he wanted to see me.
And we met at a place.
He was for 2 hours over there with me.
I asked him whether he loved her or had something serious, but he said no.
He said that he left love to the side, and tried to find someone who could make him happy.
I said that this is not fair towards the other girl.. and he said I was right but he added.
He could never leave a girl to go to another one. This is not something of my personality he said.
He made an email adress to keep in touch with me.. And did it.. every day he was or answering my emails or just sending something..
But last week after 1,5 month after one mail where I try to convince him to come back, he said that in his answer that it would be his last email to me, and that I was hurting him, that he didnt want me to be upset.
He said that it was not fair.. And that one day if he was starting to use his heart again, he would contact me.. ebcause in the heart he threw away, i am still there.. and he asked me to not reply to that email if i love him and respect him, he said please dont hurt me.. and promised that everything would be different if he texts me again.
I talked about this to my mom and she said, you cant expect people to go away and come back in your life like toys, you first left him, and now when you say i still love you.. you cannot expect him to come back in 1 month.
she said it would take time for him to forgive me, or maybe break up with the other, innocent girl.
I hate his feeling.. i am so mean, but I hope that i am not too late..
after he asked me to not answer to his email i listened and didnt answer to him.
He talks like he is coming back, but not now..
Like he wants to punish me.. i dont know..
And the 5 step plan, he succeed perfectly.
I love him too much..
I can move on, but dont want to have someone else..
Dont know what to do.. Do you think there is a chance he misses me and comes backa fter so many years.? he still wanted to see me or keep in touch, he said if it is in our destiny we willld efinitely be together but for now please have respect for me because you have no right to be angry, he said exactly this,.
you left me, i would never leave you, and dont expect me to leave someome who is innocent to come back to you, especially when i am not sure about you.
It is not fair what you are doing.. You are placing a heavy burden on me that I cant take..
That kind of things, i dont know..
Is there a little chance? at least he didnt ignore me or didnts ay stupid things.. he even wanted to see me.a nd keep in touch. dont know.. will the 5 step plans till work for me?
Thanks for reading please give me an answer..
hope to hear fom you..
xxxxxx
There is little chance. You should follow the 5 step plan. But don't keep your hopes up. He is confused and he might choose to breakup with the other girl. This time, when you get back in touch after no contact, don't pressure him into breaking up and starting a relationship with you. Let it be his idea.
I cant see my 2nd post. I think it got lost.
Hi again kevin so the other my ex's closest friend contacted me to ask for a number I know my ex has. I'm pretty sure you recall I've had a friend contact me before. Now I'm starting to find this strange. Also his friend contacted me in a strange way more than just asking for the number but also saying stuff like "all grown up :')" I guess because I'm being independent idk it's strange. I'm scared to text my ex again because I feel that's needy? Will it come off this way? And do you also think the friend thing is strange or am I overthinking?
Yeah, it's strange. But thinking about it is not going to help you in any way. You should contact him when no contact is over. It'll not look needy if you don't act needy.
I wasnt in a long term relationship, but it was an intense reconnection with an old high school classmate. Being a LDR, we ONLY had texts and callsas a form of communucation. I went to visit him (drove 6+ hours each way) for a weekend. It was amazing to see him. But, once I was there....I wasnt myself. At all. I was more like an observer, trying to see how I would fit into his lifestyle. I also slept.....a lot! I am a single mom to three boys, I rarely get to rest! After I left, I kicked myself. I messaged him and he didn't respond. That did it. I accused him of trying to back out because he wasnt attracted to me, etc. Finally, he said he was done. I was too crazy. Ive made it almost a week with no contact. Sad thing is that tomorrow was when he was supposed to come visit me for the holiday weekend. I have read so many online advice sites, but this one has been the most direct, blunt, and tell it like it is article. I needed that. Thank you so much.
I am glad the article helped. Good luck. :)
Hey Kevin,
My comment has not yet been answered, and I felt that it wasn't explained in the article or any of the others on your website. Anyway, here's the question again; If I am forced to sit or communicate (be in close proximity with) my ex girlfriend, do I have to start no contact again? How should I treat her if she tries to talk to me?
It's here.
Hi Kevin, we talked about my relationship in the past, I followed no contact for a month and she contacted me about exchanging our things after no contact. she was mean and really angry with me for some reason ( she told me later that she saw me with other girl walking in the mall, this was my date to get over my ex) But things got ugly, when I sent the hand written letter after NC for 2 weeks after the exchange, she responded that the letter looked like I was exepecting us to get together, and thats not gonna happen. I emailed her back saying " thats not what I meant, I just want us to be friends we don't have to be enemies, I replied in a casual way and wanted my things back. She said If I wanted to talk I could have called her anytime during the last month. I said I needed some space to myself just like you did..And I'm dating someone else now.
She does not want to be friends anymore and got a job, moving like a hour away close to the city. I went to meet her when she was moving and we had a tiny talk, but she looked really mean and not wanting to talk to me as friends. So I said, i just wanted to meet you before you leave.
My mom emailed her with out my knowledge and she is talking to her friendly but when it comes to me she is sounding mean. I don't want to put her in any uncomfortable situation, so I called her and left a voice mess that I heard my mom contacted you, but if you are uncomfortable I will ask her not to, but she responded, she dont mind talking to her and she shouldn't have responded if she dint want to.
I really dont know what she is thinking. She is really being mean to me and nice to everyone around me. I'm getting tired of this behavior. She invited all friends on Facebook for an event including me, but then I asked her in the same voice mess, if she feels uncomfortable me being at her event, I wont come. She text-ed me back " you don't have to come to my show". I don't know what that means. should I go or NO go? I was gonna go with couple of my friends to check out her ART gallery. NO CONTACT Pissed her off!! she is thinking I got over her so easy and the other girl incident got her really mad. WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP?
Hey Narr,
Some people react this way to NC. You shouldn't contact her as long as she is acting rude to you. The more you contact her, the more rude she will act. I'll recommend you start no contact again. This time, make it 2 months. It'll give her enough time to calm down and let go of the anger. If she contacts you, you have the option of responding to her. But keep it short and if she starts being rude again, tell her you need space and time and start no contact.
I know you feel like no contact pisses her off. But the fact is, she is acting rude and mean to you. And if you keep talking to her, she'll think it's OK to be mean to you. You have to stand up to yourself and put yourself before her. You have to send across a message that it's not OK for her to act this way to you. If you put up with her irrational and rude behavior, then you are just telling her you are a needy insecure guy who will put up with anything as long as he gets to talk to her.
You are right! Before even seeing this response, I told her the same.
She has been disrespectful in her responses to my texts, So I said we can't be friends anymore, Don't be a coward, deal with your stuff and not run away from it. Later she un-friended me on FB which did not bother me much, she do not deserve me. This is not the person I loved, so I decided not to have her in my life. Thanks for your suggestions Kevin.
I need some advice on the NC. It's been 12 days but she has contacted me and is coming tomorrow to exchange items. I have been concise and civil and just ok'd it basically. How do i react when she is here should I be fun or just nonchalant? Does this reset my no contact? I thought i was doing pretty damn well at getting on with my life and moving on, well on course for 30days but this encounter has thrown me a little. Its only a brief visit from what i can tell as she has to attend elsewhere shortly after. (we were long distance 70miles) help!
You don't have to reset no contact. Don't talk about anything personal. Be cordial and don't show any signs of neediness.
hey kevin
i sent you my last message on may 10th,my ex and i met the last night before my flight and that night he said he loves me the way he always did and i showed up my feelings either.but i wasn't needy at all.he talked about his future plans and i was included in it.but he didn't mention getting back again.
at the end of the night he asked me to call him when i arrive to the country so he knows i'm safe.i texted him and he replied soon and said thank you, be safe. i sent him another message saying now that i know your feelings, don't think that i'm expecting anything .we should just let things go on their way. and he said that's how he feels.the other night i went out with some of our mutual friends that live here and one of them started talking behind his back,i was really drunk and confused,after i got home i sent him a text message unfortunately full of insults showing that i believed his friend.
he got really sad and angry and said these are not true .he said like 100 times that he loves me but i acted like i didn't care.he send his friend a message and sent me all the conversation between them that showed that guy was completely lying.the next day my ex said i didn't expect you to believe some stranger like this and let someone mess with your feelings about me this easy.again i didn't apologize and said no one impressed me and i'm just sad because i see if you really loved me you could be with me and that's you never asked after the break up.
he said he needed some time to forget the pressure late in our relationship and also he wanted me to calm down so we could start fresh without any fight and pressure,then he added now that he sees i'm acting like before it's good that he has not ask me to get back because he couldn't imagine if he had what would it be like if i believed his friend and say all those things to him.after that we weren't in touch for 2 days.
yesterday i uploaded some photos on facebook that i was with his friend's ( the guy who talked behind him) girl friend,she is also my very old friend but my ex never liked her that much, and after that night he was worse than ever. first he liked all of my photos but after about 10 minutes he sent me a message on facebook and said you'd better off without me and hang out with the friends that screwed our relationship and ruined everything between us.
i said she had nothing to do with this and she said nothing bad about you. he said she never wanted us to be with each other and your ok with this.i said he did the same thing ( his friends don't like me and all he was doing was hanging out with them) . then he got more angry and insulted every one who came between us to ruin our relationship and finally insulted me.then he asked me to block him from facebook. i said i'm not doing this so he did.i know it was a long story and i did so many mistakes but i really needed to talk to you cuz i'm really confused and have no idea what to do.please help me kevin.i will do whatever you say to get him back.
thank you
Hey a.z,
You should start no contact again and give him some time to calm down. Although, if he contacts you, you should end no contact and start talking to him. You have to let it be his idea to get back together and not pressure him into anything. Whatever happened, is already done. From now on, you need to be calm and confident and try not to any arguments with him.
thank you very much kevin.
kevin,
am i in death's door because he has blocked me on facebook? i'm kind of confused.want to know how to act after NC. and do you think he will ever try to make any contact again?
Yes, you are in death's door if he blocked you on FB.
Hi,
My girlfriend of two years ( 1 and a half years living together) just left me. We tried to work things out through fb messages since she didnt want to go out for lunch. During our conversations, it would be a mix of arguments and about how we love each other. She even asked me if I would get mad if she dated so she can get over me. This went on for two weeks (on and off - sometimes she would ignore me because she wasnt happy with our talks) until she decided to ignore me completely last Monday. She called me all sorts of awful names before blocking me on fb. After that, i texted her non stop. But when i asked if i could get my things back. She replied. We decided to exchange our things but she didnt showed up. She asked her cousin to meet with me instead. Basically, I was heartbroken, publicly. Did she did that as revenge? I asked her why but she never texted me back.
After the incident, i kept on calling and texting her - my mistake! She wont even reply if it's something about her dog.
My question is do I still have a chance? She told me i was too controlling and gets easily mad. She wouldnt hear my explanations. I was the only one who handled household, money and pet stuff while we're together. Every time I would asked her to do something (cleaning the dishes, etc.) and she doesnt, thats when i get mad.
To be honest, I really dont know whats the real reason we broke up. I want to work things out, sometimes she would want the same time thing. Sometimes she doesnt. Is our relationship beyond repair or going through NC?
Thanks
Hey Han,
You still have a chance. Follow the plan. Although, you are going to have the same issues even if you do get her back (with the household stuff). Think it through during no contact.
Kevin,
I will try to keep this semi short without leaving out too many key details. So my ex who I have been best friends with for the past 4 years (and has been obsessed with me ever since we met) and dated for the past 5-6 months, pretty much out of nowhere dumbed me via text message. Less than 2 days from when she did it we had been talking like everything was perfect. Then she went silent for a day and a half (I didn't think anything of it because she works a lot). I called her twice then texted her to see if something was wrong/what the hell was going on and thats when she said basically we are breaking up but when she moves back to where I live in the fall (she is in a different city for the summer but we knew all this going into our relationship) we could try to start things off slowly again and see where things go. ( her idea not me begging). She has said she really wants to stay best friends too though/not lose me in her life. I for one am very insulted and hurt she texted me this instead of calling, face timing, skyping, meeting in person etc. especially when I called her twice and she purposely didn't pick up. Plus she hasn't said anything in a week and a half. Now I know your NC rule, I have been using it since before I read this article, and haven't communicated with her at all. I am just confused how someone who supposedly says I am her best friend and who I have helped out more in life then her own father it doesn't add up that she would use the cowardliest/easiest/most disrespectful way of breaking up with someone. So guess my questions are: Do you think I should still go after her? ( I want to but wanted your thoughts) Do you think I still have a chance? and lastly how should I handle the fact that she broke up over text? (Do I let it go or somehow let her know that is the most cowardly immature way to break up with someone you have known and loved for so many years?)
I agree it's a cowardly way, but if that's the only reason you are considering moving on, then it's not a good one. You should be thinking whether or not you to would make a good couple and whether or not you two could have a long and healthy relationship together. You shouldn't be considering whether or not she breaks up in person. What you should be thinking about is the fact that she decided to breakup instead of working on whatever the issue was. Not how she chose to breakup. If you want a long and healthy relationship with her, you will need to know that she won't bail without at least trying to fix the issue first.
A lot of breakups that happen face to face go a lot worse than yours. People say mean things, cry, become abusive, sometimes even get physical. Different people deal with breakups differently. It's such a hard thing to do, and I don't think you should hold it against her the way she chose to breakup. And yes, you do have a chance.
My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months (we dated for 15) I did make the mistake of freaking out when he started sleeping with some girl after two weeks. Since then however, we decided to be friends, so we actually do talk and hang out. We live in different states though, and are now both home for the summer. I was wondering if No Contact is still an option? Or since we've already moved on to being friends if it would be in effective at this point? He already accuses me of making him be the only one who makes an effort to be friends, since I rarely contact him first. Would starting NC now be too out of left field/ineffective?
If you have a friendship going and he is chasing you (even for being friends), I'll recommend you skip no contact. This is assuming you are absolutely sure you want him back and you know that you can have a long and healthy relationship with him.
My only concern though is he only wants to be friends. I want more than that, and I want him to to see me as more than that. I worry that he's just keeping me around to keep his friend count up.
Thank you so much for your help.
I should also probably mention that out of spite I said we would probably never get back together, as did he, but I think we've both moved past saying it's impossible, more just unlikely. Last time it came up he said 'some maturing is definitely required on both our parts'. I really don't want to be just friends though. I don't know how to make him see that without looking desperate though.
Hey Brittany,
In that case, no contact can help you. Especially if you make a lot of positive changes in your life during no contact. Tell him you are not ready for friendship yet and you need some space and time right now.
My ex texted me 8 days into no contact, and I responded, though I mostly controlled the conversation and chose when to end it. He texted again two days later, but I ignored it because I figured I shouldn't have answered the other in the first place. Do I have to start the 30 days over? I'm afraid that since we've been trying the friends thing for a while he'll get mad at me for ignoring him or saying I need space, and just decide fine, I don't need her. I think the reason he broke up with me in the first place was because I was depressed and he thought I wasn't trying to be happy anymore. I feel like if I day I need space he'll assume it's because I'm still depressed. Or should I just post a bunch of happy statuses on FB?
Also, I don't have his mailing address so I the future I won't have it for the letter, what should I do regarding that?
I don't think telling him you need space is going to have a negative effect. Even if he thinks you are depressed, you telling him you need space shows that you are taking control of your life and you are doing what is necessary to help your depression.
Is 3 months too long for no contact or should I cut it shorter to 2 months? One month felt too short to me. Our break up wasn't really that bad, I just really really want him to experience life without me and miss me and regret the breakup. We broke 3 and a half months ago and I've been NC for exactly 6 weeks now. He has not tried to contact me at all. He's 26 and I'm 25 and we were dating for about 7 months unofficially and officially for 1 month before we broke up.
If you think you need 3 months, then go ahead. I don't think it's too long.
Is there a reason my comment isn't up? I would greatly like some advice.
Hey Claire,
I couldn't find your original comment. Please post again, and please read the comments guidelines before doing so.
Hey Kevin! So today ends my 30 day nc rule! I'm excited because I didn't think I make it but here I am alive and well! So at 5:24pm today I'm going send my ex a text. I made it a fun/funny memory of ours and I saved it ready to be sent. Now don't think I just say there waiting for 30 days. I got up and I did my thing! And I'm excited to say that I can see my life with my ex. That we can grow as individuals as well as together we can help each other strive to better ourselves. He hasn't contacted me and I understand I was being a insensitive texting/calling gnat. All up in the mans business ahaha, but I have grown since then and I took on the more positive side of things. Thanks Kevin for everything. This maybe too over positive but I believe that me and my ex are gonna last for a long time doing it the right way. :)
I love your attitude. Good Luck Nickki. :)
how did it go Nickki?
Kevin,
My girlfriend or ex and I have been dating 2.5 years and have been on a break for a month now. We didn't have any contact during that time. I decide to write a letter have a question about it. The second part of the letter is to apologize for inappropriate behavior after the break up or a break in my case. What if I didn't behave inappropriately after this break? Do I apologize for the reasons she wanted to take a break from the relationship?
Skip the apology part of the letter.
Hi Kevin,
So I'll try to condense the story to be as short as possible, but basically, my ex dumped me about 2 weeks ago. We dated for 4 months. I'll admit I was a wreck because I feel I made a really strong connection with this girl, to the point that we were seriously talking about our future together (even though it was a short amount of time). It's hard to explain, but we definitely had something special. We just couldn't see eye to eye on a few things. But they can totally be fixed. Needless to say I was a wreck. Did the whole begging, hell, even crying thing with her which lasted about 2.5 days to which she said to stop calling her with all my questions. She also said, that when the air was clear we could be friends and that was up to me when that would happen. So I said I'd leave her be and I have. Few days ago she randomly blocked me on facebook which I thought was weird. Anyway, fast forward to today, I broke NC and texted her telling her that she might have a pair of shoes that I really needed for an occasion. I kept it really cool and she even laughed saying, 'I still have your underwear' to which I replied 'I actually have yours too'. (haha awkward I know). She then offered to meet this weekend when she would be back from travelling to do an exchange. I then replied, 'that's cool, let's hold off on the exchange for now. Still don't think it's a good idea to see you just yet.' She responded with, 'I understand. I'll check for you anyway. take care' and I closed the conversation with a prompt. thanks.
My question to you is, what is your take on this, and where do i go from here. Do I start over with the NC?
Thanks in advance for your answer. Really appreciate it. :)
You did the right thing. I recommend you arrange for the exchange 2-3 weeks from now. Don't tell her, just keep low profile until then.
As a follow up to this and with a lot of self reflection, there were a ton of things I did incorrectly in that relationship because I just wasn't mature enough as a man. She was a pretty head strong woman, an alpha, if you can say that. But I wasn't. I was pretty beta and she would reprimand me on the smallest things because she knew I would let her. I'm obviously not like this with everyone, but I made the mistake with love thinking that it was okay if it's a girl you're super into. Wrong.
I know 100 percent things wouldn't go down the same way but I'm pretty sure she still looks at me as weak. Is there really still a chance that she would take me on again or would she be too caught up with the old me?
You are already taking control by refusing her offer to meet up immediately. I don't recall telling you don't send the letter. It's OK if you do. However, leave out the part about you not being that man anymore. It kind of looks like you are saying it just so she would change her mind about you. Let her realize it on her own when she sees you.
And also, you're saying don't send a letter? I was basically going to say that she made a good call, that the kind of man I was wasn't someone she would be with and that I'm not that anymore etc.
Dear Kevin
I would really like some advice since I can't really do the no contact step. I'll give the full story to remove any misunderstandings.
Im 21 and my ex is 19. We're both in the first year of a 4 year education and we're both doing well so far. In the education there is a massive group project each quarter and because of this I only got to know her about 5 month into the education.
We started talking and with every conversation I started to like her more till it got to the point of near perfection(she doesn't like science fiction which is the only con of her that I can think of) After having a few sleepless nights I decided it was time to ask her out.(I would also like to add that this was my first relationship in 10 years) She agreed to the date and admitted that she also had a crush on me.
due to the fact that there were 2 more weeks of busy school we had the date on april 23.
During the 2 weeks we did talk allot and I already loved her at that point.
During the date the deal got sealed and I knew we fitted absolutely great together. I had my first date, kiss and we also spend the night together(no sex) and it was the best day of my life so far.
We agreed to tell each other when there was something they didn't like to prevent sudden and unnecessary breakups.
But on may 14(exactly 3 weeks after the first date) she contacted me via text to tell me that she was very busy thought that she wasn't ready for a relationship. (she is really busy with her family, school, friends, and work to the point that barely could find time to spend together.)
I did make pretty much all the mistakes that night trying my best to keep her or to suggest a temporary break. But she replied with that it just didn't feel right.
I've was free from school and had weekend at that point but those where some of the worst days I can remember. I did try to speak with her on the saturday but I went right back to the compromise/begging and she also said that it will not be more then friends anymore. (this caused me to wonder if there was perhaps something more to it that she isn't telling but I already overdid my begging that I decided to stop talking)On monday I was starting to accept it and wanted to have a proper face to face end to the relationship but she refused. I did tell her that day that I'll be a bit distanced for a while to give me time to process it.
The problem is that we work together on the current project and our cooperation is essential to the quality of the final product. So far it has been going quite well. I'm having difficulty talking to her since I still want the relationship but overall the cooperation is going flawlessly. We also spend the breaks with the entire group and I'm trying not to start an conversation with her but during general topics I still have to talk to her.
There is a summer holiday in about 6 weeks. and during that I'll probably not see her or talk with her during it. But I'm worried that it might be to late at that point.
I'm hoping that she can use the holiday to rest and slow her live down like she said she wanted to do. And I was thinking of contacting her a few weeks into the holiday to "reboot" the friendship that we had but was interrupted during the no contact period.
Anyway I hope that this is enough information so that perhaps you can aid me.
and sorry if its a bit of a long read.
With kind regards,
Tim
You can speak to her about the project but try to keep things related only to the project and don't talk about anything personal. It's a good idea with the holidays and giving her time. But I have to be honest with you, your chances are very less. She never was invested in the relationship. Perhaps she never felt the same way about you that you did with her. It'll be better to accept it and concentrate on moving on instead of pursuing her for the next 4 years.
Thanks for the reply Kevin.
It does bother me that I have no clue if she feld the same way about me as I did of her. During the relationship we were very close and the day before she ended the relationship we had a massive kiss that lasted about 2 minutes that was absolutely amazing. And the next day she says that she has no energy for a relationship and doesn't believe she is ready for a relationship. And as I said she is very busy lately and I can see why it would be to much. But then when asked to just pause it or to continue later she says that we won't be more then friends anymore. I think that there might be more to it but she dodged that question multiple times.
I really don't know how someone can go from very close to nothing in a day.
she was even started scheduling a doctors visit for anti conception pills.
I will go along with the no contact time, contact her in the holiday and from that point focus on being good friends and hope that perhaps we can get together again. If nothing happens after a few months I'll probably give up and accept that we can't get back together and just continue with being a really good friend.
Thanks again for your reply.
With kind regards,
Tim
Hi
I posted earlier this morning but don't know if it was approved or if you replied I can't see it?
Could you help please?
Jay
It's here.
Hey kevin my boyfriend broke with me two days ago he claims he still loves me but i dont know the main reason he wants a break up from me i have tried to apologise to him but he wont reply my texts i do want him back because i love him do i still stand a chance with him
Hi Kevin,
My case is special. The girl I want to come back is not my ex girlfriend, but we were flirting and she felt something for me (I know that because she said it to me, even she said "Really, I don't know what I would do without you"). The problem is that I tried to kiss her too soon (we were talking for more than a month, but it was the second date) and she rejected the kiss. She said that I had not screwed up, but I felt bad for the rejection and I say "Goodbay" to her. Then, she cried, said I hurt her and blocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp.
3 days after that, I sent her a happy story I had wrote about us through a friend of her. She didn't answer, so I sent her my best wishes as a farewell through the same friend.
But, now, I'm planning to phone her the 15th day after the not-kiss day. I know she have an exam, so I want to say something like "Hi, how are you taking the exam?... Good luck... All the best, bye". Only a first contact. A few days after, I will call again asking for the exam result. And I will go on slowly that way.
Do you think it is a good plan?
Yes, it's a good plan.
Kevin,
Please please please! I'm in so much pain! please help me. My Boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I did every mistake now he's irritated and indifferent. I don't know what he feels about me anymore. He said he is not ready for a relationship right now but he is liking someone else, but it's to early to say whatever happen happens that he is not looking for anything at this time. I'm so confused but he doesn't want to talk anymore. I'm in deep pain. I want him to talk to me and feel comfortable again. I'm 23 and he's 20. So he is still immature and doesn't know what to do with his life but he's very social and friendly so it's very easy for him to move on and we don't have common friends. But his family still contacts me. I'm afraid that he'll move on and forget about me. He said that he feels like he doesn't necessarily forget about me but to move past in order to progress life. Please I do need help! and good advice!
Hey Aniel,
Start no contact and follow the plan. He will not move on so quickly.
Thank you. I'm starting the no contact plan for a week now, But we both have snapchats and even though we don't sent it to each other but we could still see what we are posting about. Do I need do quit that too?
Not unless it's making you obsess over him.
Hey Kevin,
SO my ex and I got back together.. And I told you before that the he confessed that the real reason that we broke up was he got drunk and slept with another woman about 2 months before we broke up. He regret it ever since and He said it was the biggest mistake etc. I gave him another chance. but I found out while we broken up he went out with this girl for a week he said nothing happened it was just a distraction that he didn't even like her. I'm just having a hard time believing him but I can see that he is trying to redeem himself for me to trust him. I just have this feeling of jealously and insecurity. and I just don't know how to deal with it right now. Probably because I'm not over it. (the mistakes that he made). & I think he still talks to the girl sometimes casually. I don't know what to do.
Kevin,
It's only been around 4-5 days after the actual break up, 9 days after she said she wanted to take a break after our 6 month anniversary. It came out of nowhere as we just spent the weekend together (It was long distance. 3 hours) and we had an amazing weekend. She is 20 and I'm 27.
When she wanted to take the break she said she needed to think things over about us because she wasn't sure if she could see a future between us anymore and that a 'connection was missing'. As we talked about things more she said she loved me, was happy with me, and saw that the relationship would have been great, but that she only saw me as a friend. All that really did was confuse me further because not even a week ago she was talking how much she loves me and how I’m forever hers and she’s forever mine.
So as I’m dealing with the fallout of the relationship, not two days later she is talking with some other guy and found out today she’s been meeting up with him and she’s extremely happy. After reading your guide I feel like it’s a rebound relationship.
Now I have made a few mistakes right off the bat and almost made a huge one this weekend by going and seeing her, but your guide has me rethinking everything now. The last time I contacted her was today asking how she was doing. But after learning about the other guy I figure today is the day I start the no-contact.
I do love her and I do think the relationship is worth saving. I weighed out the pros and cons and see that I am a good person without her, but with her I’m a better person.
Hey Josh,
You didn't ask a question so I'll just wish you luck and hope things work out for you.
I don't see my question anymore? Help? Thanks!
Claire,
I can't find your post. Can you please post again. Please read the comments guidelines before posting.
hi kevin,how come i dont get a reply?and i dont see my comment?thanks!
Hey Kirsten,
Your reply is here.
Hi Kevin,
Me & my ex were together for 4 years & have a 2 year old daughter, I haven't started your plan as of yet because it would be impossible for us to do the no contact rule a we have a child & need to be able to contact each other. How will he get the chance to miss me if he has to either talk on the phone with me everyday or he sees me in person? Unfortunately I have made almost every mistake on your list since splitting 3 months ago so I desperately need to redeem myself! How do I do this without doing the all important no contact rule? x
Read this article to learn how to do no contact when you have a child together.
Hi kevin,
Thanks for the reply on my last post. The reason my gf of 4yrs broke up with me is maybe loss of attraction. I became dependent on her too much and comfortable and secured on our relationship that i neglected it. Recently i realized that months before we broke up. I changed, my efforts and sweetness has disappeared. So i guess nc is effective for me coz inrealized these mistakes. On the other hand she didnt told me that she feels like something is wrong with us she didnt communicate with me. So when she hit the boiling point she just decided to bailout. Do you think i still have a chance? Im quite anxious if she would respond to me after nc because i became a creep after the breakup. And im still following the plan. Ive got 4 more weeks to go coz i decide to make 6weeks of nc for becoming a creep. Thanks kevin. I dont really know where to ask for this problem of mine. Just refer to my previous post for info. I wish you could help me.
Hey Daniel,
I do think you have a chance. Good luck.
Raed, dara. Thankyou. Its good to hear from other people in this community. Not to mention that we share the same situation. Goodluck to you guys! Im doing what i can to make evrery inch of me better.
Kevin,
My ex and I have been divorced for almost 5 years. I still love him and I have constantly emailed him, texted him, used our child as an excuse to talk to him and often been mean and vindictive. He is now with someone else and he keeps her from our child. We barely communicate and he hates me. How can I get him back? I just apologized for my actions and hatefulness. Please help me
It's hard to say missy. In my opinion, 5 years is a long time and you should try to move on right now. Your chances of getting him back are very less. If you still want to pursue him, apply no contact for six months, make a lot of positive changes in your life. Send him the letter mentioned in the article. And follow the rest of the steps in the plan. But like I said before, your chances are less.
Hi Kevin
So basically we're broken up 3 months..we have not had a no contact period. We were hanging out kissing and seeing each other. Things got a bit rough recently we fought over getting back together and she told me she didn't want the relationship and that soon she would be getting back out there. This was last week so I told her I needed to break contact to get myself happy. Now Iv been doing good have some dates lined up. I still miss her terribly. Have I blown my chances with her because we never had a no contact period until now and after the things she said? What should my next step be? Appreciate the advice
Jay
You still have a chance. Send her the letter mentioned in the article.
Kevin,
Me and my ex dated for 2 years. She broke up with 3 months ago and then immediately started dating my best friend. The thing is the last month I was depressed with the direction my life was headed. I became negative and started developing bad habits. Smoking, not cleaning . I cared about her but was do lost I didn't show it . Since the break up I have been working out daily and now am the happiest I have ever been. I am now working towards life long dreams daily. During my transformation I wanted to let her know how I was doing do I sent long texts called, but she has not responded. I want to show her I am a new man but I don't think she will ever talk to me again. Do you have advice. I am 32 and she is 28.
Thanks,
Aaron
Wait another month. Send the letter mentioned in the article. If still nothing, wait another two weeks and send the "something reminded me of you" text.
Kevin,
So my month has passed. We have started talking again! She wants to get together and talk! She said she misses me, asked me if I thought the breakup was a mistake via text and I responded that isn't something we should talk about via text. She agreed and we are getting together for lunch. I suggested we meet in person and she said ya we can get together. Then she sent me a pic of us that she found… she thinking of me, good signs. Then about an hr later when we were setting up the day to meet she says. "Ive been through a lot of thinking and in no way am I trying to get your hopes up, but you did say not to be a stranger... right? ( I told her that as my instinctual mistake when the breakup happened) I played it cool and said no worries my hopes weren't up. Its just us getting together to talk.
She follows up with.. "I'll explain everything when we meet in person. I think I just really need a friend. I haven't been able to share things with anyone like I have with you (referring to when we were bf and gf). Only my mom. Haven't talked to (her close girl friend's name) in about 2 weeks.
I don't want to get stuck in the friend zone. I am still hopeful but how do I make sure I don't get stuck there… Over the last month I have improved myself a lot and I really think she is going to see a huge difference. I know what I am asking is up above also but I wanted to get your insight into my situation and to help the other readers as well if they are in a similar situation. We are meeting up Sat. afternoon.
She still has some pictures up on fb of us, one where I am kissing her cheek and hugging her and another one with her family and she hasn't removed her "in a relationship" on fb. All good things, she is just going through a hard time and doesn't want to be in a relationship, there isn't a bother guy at least thats what she told me and I know her character enough that she is sincere on that. She told me I m a great guy and she loves me just isn't in love with me. She said babe in the texts too. I just do not want to get stuck after saturday in the dreaded friend zone… I'm sure you can understand. I love her with all my heart and when her and I get back together Im never letting her go again.
Thanks in advance Kevin!
And after the talk am I good to keep texting her with the type of texts mentioned in the article? Or would you say it depends on how the lunch goes?
Keep texting. If she is cold, back off for a while. If she warm, keep going with the flow.
Hey Bob,
As long as she doesn't start talking about other guys with you and start asking your opinion on what to do in her new relationship, you are not in the friend zone.
Ok sounds good. She also posted on fb one of those picture messages that says, "One Day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else." Her comment to it was One can only hope. Any insight into this?
She seems to be flip flopping and almost dying to find herself..
During NC, she missed me and even questioned the breakup (asked me if I thought it was a mistake) I haven't been in contact with her since we last talked on Monday. After the lunch on Saturday I should text her and keep the flow going… Im basically starting new with her.. If she's cold, start NC again for a couple to a few weeks and then send a letter?
*She seems to be flip flopping and almost *trying* to find herself*
Sorry for the typo
Don't over-analyze her facebook statuses. It doesn't help you in any way. If you've already sent the letter, don't send it again. If she's cold, back off a little bit and send a text.
Ok good deal. She bailed on lunch this weekend. I think due to the fact that it is Memorial Day weekend, she's out having fun. She did call and text me saying she misses me and that she was going up to Tahoe for her cousins b-day and wants to set something up to meet when she gets back. She told me to call her, the next day as I didn't get her call or texts because I was asleep.
I called the next day, no answer. So I texted and I said, "Ive been super busy lately and was asleep when you called and texted. Ive been at work but wanted to call you as you said. I know you like to sleep in so I didn't want to call too early. If I don't talk to you before you leave for Tahoe. Have fun, be safe. Say Hi to the Fam and ya lets set something up when you get back."
I also don't think she is in Tahoe… Do you think I have anything to worry about here?
Can I text her when the Holiday weekend is over, "How was your holiday weekend?"
As always your insights are greatly appreciated.
Nothing to worry about. The text sounds good. Although, I'll recommend you wait a couple of days before sending the text. Give her some time to reach out to you first after her holidays are over.
Hey Kevin.
So my sons mom told me she wanted to work things out then found a boyfriend. Like most people I ahowed desperation and neediness. I asked if she would rhink abiut us getting back together and she said maybe if I left her to think without bugging her. So I did and on her last break at work today she texted me and said I was awfully quiet. What do you think she is getting at with that statement? I just told her I didn't want to bug her
It just meant that she was missing you and wanted to hear from you.
Hi, I was curious did you get my comment that I left? I would really love some perspective. Thank you so much.
Hey John,
I can't find your comment. Do you mind posting again. Please read the comments guidelines before posting.
Hi Kevin,
I just want to pick you brain on something. I waited 30 days after our break up before contacting my ex with a message like: "Hey, just went for a run this morning and saw a dog that look exactly the same as Lucky. Reminded me of the time we took Lucky for a run and she ran back home :) How have you been? Hope you've been well."
It took her 8 hours to reply with: "Hey I've been good thanks, keeping busy with work and stuff haha god to hear you're keeping up with jogs. How are you?" I then sent her a text and ended the conversation. Four days later I sent her a text with a picture of a postcard she sent me one time before we started dating with an inside joke, but she did not reply. Feeling annoyed I called her the following day to hang out as friends, but she said she is not ready to see me and does not know if she can be the friend I want her to be. She said maybe in another 6 months.
I just want to know, what can I do in this situation? Is there any possibility that she could change her mind about not wanting to see me? I just feel if I can get her to hang out with me I could be fun and stuff to try change her mind about us. Thanks.
Hey Paul,
You can wait another month and try again. This time, don't be so hasty in asking her to meet up.
Hi again Kevin,
I was thinking about waiting till sometime in July to contact her again. Texting didnt work out so well for me next time. I'm thinking of sending her a letter, but I am unsure whether this would be coming on too strong? Would she think that I am too desperate by sending a letter?
About a week after our break up, she was in contact with one of my female friends and when asked about our break up she said that "the break up was and is still hard on her but she feels that she has made the right decision." In your experience, do I still have a chance with her if she has said this?
Also does her resolve to stay apart from me get strong with time?
Thanks heaps Kevin for your help!
If you use the template in the 5 step plan, it doesn't come off as too strong. From this and your earlier comment, it seems to me she is pretty honest about how she feels and she is not trying to play any games and/or say something to make you jealous or win the breakup that most people do. I think your chances are less.
So is another month of no contact gonna help change her mind? I know her mind is made up at this point but if I would apply the 5 step program of yours would it help change her mind and push up my odds?
There's a small chance it will change her mind. But like I said before, don't keep your hopes up.
how long will it take to post the comments and have a response? its already been around 3days since it posted my comments and i cant even either see it on the page.
Hey Nicky,
I am sorry but I can't find your comment. Do you mind posting it again over here. Please read the comments guidelines before posting.
i broke up with my ex exactly one week today. i met him online and we both get attached with each other so easily. we were together for almost 3months and it was one of a kind, we admit we both feel things we never felt before even with our ex and done things we never thought we could do for each other.. we can say it was one of a kind.
but then we broke up because of the difference we see and the distance we have. iam an asian and he is european, plus we are 50km away from each other, at start we manage to fix things easily and we see each other during week ends and holidays but sometimes we just cant see each other because of family events. We argued the week end and got irritated with the messages i send him because i admit they were a lil bit many, then tuesday we talked face to face and he said he is willing to make it work, it was all fine that day, then thursday after his work he called me at phone to say he wants to ends it, i dont dont why, he doesnt want to explain much, he just said im sorry i asked him if there's something wrong or if i done somthing that made him hurt? he said nothing it was him, then put down the phone, i can feel that there's something bothering him..
i tried to convinced him to say what is was he just said he wants me to leave him alone, he doesnt want any explanations etc. i dont know if this will really wont work or is he is just confused and stressed because he always tell me that he is burned out from work and maybe a little bit of frustration because he's planning to find new job few months before we even met and he cant find a new one. their are times too that it seems that im compeating his ex gf (which they are together for 2yrs and seperate since 1year) their are things he doesnt want to do with me because he said he is avoiding it because that was one of the reasons why his ex and him broke up, is this just a way of protecting our relationship or it was he is afraid of something?
i dont understand what he wants too, he told me he doesnt want to stop seeing his friends just because he has now a girlfriend, then i understand that, i told him i dont wanna put him too in a isolated relationship, then now he argued that it was hard for him because od the distance, like he want to see me after work during weekdays, im seeing him after his work if i finish early at mine, but he said he dont want me to go that distance because he understands too how stressful driving in a traffic jam. i dont know what he wants. do you think he is just being realistic that it wont work or he is just confused and need space?
Hey Nicky,
I can't comment on why he broke up. It could be any of the reasons you mentioned. But yes he does need space and you'll be wise to give it to him.
I texted him this afternoon to wish her mom a happy mothers day for this sunday (the mothers day is a lil late at france) which he asked me to remind him for this day before our break up. He sais he's glad i thinked of him then asked me if i dont feel mad anymore because he broke up with me he said he just really dont wann to see me suffering thats why he made this decision. I refuse to comment about the break up i just told him that i just love talking to him then just asked him how he is doing so it will not be too awkward. Do you think i should do the nc for 30days? Or we can continue talking but just have to avoid talking about us?
I think you should apply no contact. If you want, you can tell him before starting no contact that you need space and time.
Hey Kevin, advice por favor! I was with my girl for almost two years, her mom got sick, was in the hospital for a few weeks and i never got to visit her, after that my girl told me she needs to be alone for now? its been almost two months, have not heard from her.. at first i did all those mistakes that you mention on your article, sent a letter saying i am sorry, few texts.. Today is my 30 days of NC..Help me? thanks
Get back in touch with her. Use the texts or the letter.
Hey Kevin,
My ex or girlfriend(don't know which to refer to her) and I have been together for 3 years. Four weeks ago she asked me in person if we can take a "break" with no contacts for a couple of months. The reasons she gave for wanting a break was because I was controlling and suffocating her. She said she needed time and space to spend with her family and friends. I told her that a "break" for a couple of months is a long time. She then asked if we should break up instead. Obviously, I didn't want to break up so I suggested that we could take a "break" like she wanted, but for a month and a half instead of a couple of months. We set up a date to meet in a month and a half for her to decide if we should continue this relationship or not. However, she said to not count on staying together after this break. That's why I wasn't sure if she wanted a break or an actual break up since she did suggested breaking up after I said the break she offered was too long. Whichever it is, I have been treating it as a break up instead of a "break". I haven't contacted her for a month ever since that conversation and had been working on myself by reevaluating the mistakes I made in the relationship. My question is, can I still apply these steps in this article in my situation? If so, should I write her a letter before we meet up? Your help is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Eric
Yeah. Don't be needy during that meeting after one and a half month. If you guys actually breakup, start no contact again for at least 2-3 weeks and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin. I need some advice.
My ex broke up with me two days ago. I had been going out with him for almost 9 months but I have known him for 2 years. He is 28 and I am 25. He has been going through a rough time lately because he doesn't have a job. He is the kind of guy who doesn't like to tell his problems to other people so I didn't know he was internalizing a lot of things. The day that he broke up with me, I was very surprised because we had a good day. We went to church but before that he was a little upset with me because I got upset that I had a stain on my shirt. I got over it and apologized but he didn't let it go. That night, my sister was over as well and we were all getting along. He suddenly started argue with me. He kept on calling me a liar and I had no idea where it was coming from. He just kept on picking fights with me even though I didn't respond to his arguments. Eventually my sister told him to shut the f up and he got so upset and said he is going to leave. He kept on telling me that I am bringing him down because I am so negative all the time. I admitted to it but he never told me before how he really felt. I can be negative but I know myself and I know he was exaggerating. There is a deeper meaning to the words he was saying. To make the story short, he said there is no "us" anymore and said he wants to be friends only. He was very hostile and didn't even say when I asked him if he loves me anymore. He didn't even hug me and even smiled as he left. He wasn't always like this. In fact, I looked him and thought he was someone else. I haven't contacted him at all and instead I deleted him and blocked him off Facebook and got rid of pictures and things. It hurts but I am willing to do the no contact rule. My question is, does this mean he is going to contact me at one point? We lacked communication in out relationship but the way he was that day made me feel like he doesn't want me anymore and also almost hates me. I'm sad and upset but I am going to stick to the no contact rule. I still truly believe that me and him can work it out.
Thanks,
Amina
Hey Amina,
I can't say if he will contact you during no contact. Even if he doesn't you should get back in touch with him after no contact is over, provided you still want him back.
Hi Kevin,
Great advice all around..thanks!
Here is my quick breakup story:
My ex and I dated for 14 months after meeting out at a bar event. We have great chemistry, similar interests, and both of us have graduated college and talked about settling down together. We had been talking about moving in together for the past several months, and she actually temporarily moved in with my for a few weeks. The problem is she moved in at a bad time, when I started a new management position with my job. So I wasn't home much, and didn't do the "little" things for her as much, as she stated. We unfortunately fought a decent amount during these couple weeks until I lightly brought up her moving out, and she actually did. We had on and off fights throughout the second half of our relationship mostly due to issues in my life and hers that we have since worked on tremendously. Also, the communication lines haven't been the greatest with her at times either. The bad timing of her moving in with me also came just after some issues with her current roommates. And the fighting grew to her leaving. This was 3 weeks ago, and since then I have seen her 3 times. You could say we went on 3 dates and everything went great, but there was not much affection. Since then, she mentioned that it's great to have me in her life still as a friend. And I have since taken that as a sign to go into no contact. Also, I can see if she really wants me badly enough to initiate contact and do nice things for me again, and ultimately be my girlfriend again. I've been in similar breakup situations before and used no contact to my benefit. So ever since this breakup, I have gone about my life doing everything that makes me happy. And taking more time to work out and improve myself. Any thoughts on my progress so far?
You are doing good and it was the right decision to start no contact. Follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I've been broken up with my ex girlfriend officially for 6 weeks now and last week sent the hand-written letter as per the plan last week but didn't get a reply or a phone call. She did however unblock me on facebook last week (assuming when she received the letter) and hasn't re-blocked me yet. I'm tempted to move into the text message phase but judging by her facebook profile, her and the rebound look "pretty serious". Is it still worth following up with the text messages or just continue NC? Thanks.
PS She started seeing this rebound guy a month or so before our breakup.
It's worth trying.
Thanks. Should I leave it a few weeks now before I send the first text?
Yes. I'll recommend at least two weeks.
Hi Kevin. I think its been 3 plus months since i left my first comment here.
I think it did not work out because -
I was unable to follow the no contact plan completely.
She was in a rebound relationship.
She promised me to talk to me after she is done with her exams but later she refused (she kept me waiting for 2 months).
The situation here is -
She is added in my facebook currently.
She is adding pictures almost daily and looks super happy.
Major problems -
We will be joining colleges next month most probably in different cities.
I really want to get back to her, i want to get her to talk to me. Its been like 8 months since we are fighting.
The problem started when she did things she promised me she won't ever and i did not open my mouth for like 4 months as to why i am not talking to her properly and suddenly one day she was like you did this too much , then she talked to me for 2 months more we used to meet she was nice to me, she said she can not be in a relationship now as she is tired. I went all mad this time and did all things written here not to do.
I wanna give this relationship one more try but the problem i have here is that i have hardly one month left then we will be in different cities , if i could get to meet her that would be really great, she is still added in my facebook account.
no reply yet
Hey,
I can't find your comment. Do you mind posting again? Please read comments guidelines before posting.
Hey Kevin , Im 19 and my ex it just recently 18 we were daating for 10 months and she vas totally crazy for me all the sudden she stop doing things like calling me and sending me morning text and when i asked she told the she was busy all time the all of the sudden began to ignore my calls and this friday she told me it was over because i was like needy and dont give her any space so when she left me i didn`t call he or anything but her graduation was yesterday and make the mistake to go i went to congratulate her and she didnt take the time to talk a me a bit or to ask me how I was. I really want her back because she maked me alot of promise that she would never leave and I know she was in love with. Please Kevin i want to get her back for sure shes the kind of girl thats says she doesnt come back when she ends a relationship
Your best bet is to follow the steps in the article.
You think in this situation she will come back?
I can't guarantee. But you do have a chance.
Hey Anon,
IF you are going to be in different colleges and different cities, I feel obligated to warn you that even if you do get her back, you are going to have a hard time maintaining the relationship while you are in college. Insecurity, jealousy and long distance is going to creep up and probably destroy your relationships. She is also well aware of that is probably going to factor this when she is going to think about reconciliation.
And if you try to rush things and try to get back together before she leaves for the college, it'll only make you look needy. I'll recommend you follow the plan and keep no contact for two weeks. You'll still have two weeks remaining to meet her.
Hi Kevin, i am totally aware of these insecurities and jealousy thing, actually this was the thing that made me behave weird, i know what she is going through.
But after she was away with me i know how strong i have felt for her, from i can not be in a LDR to i was this is the best thing we can have.
I really wanna give it a try.
Can you tell me should i stop being active on facebook and should i unfriend her or not ?
Don't unfriend her. Keep your facebook activities normal. If you are used to posting regularly, keep it up.
Hi Kevin, she knows that i have her gmail password, i today found out that she made a new account and she was ordering some lingere online so i totally lost it at that moment. I feel really down now. She knows i have her password still she does not unfriends me.
My ex also sent me a friend request i don't know what to do about it.
Kevin i can relate to her situation. I used to think that no matter what happens i won't be with this girl again. I changed my mind when she applied the no contact rule and was in a rebound relationship. I would have done nothing if she was in my friendlist or if she would have not blocked my phone number. I don't wanna do the same thing of being with another girl to get her.
The time when she got back to me i acted way too desperate for months.
I am really unsure of what to do i feel like i should block her, i also have a friend request from a kind of my ex. Should i accept her friend request on facebook ?
She knows i have her gmail password, she did not change it, she said she never wants to talk to me but hasn't blocked me, she used me like a doormat for 4 months, she had promised me a day to talk to me but she did not when that day came, i waited 2 months for it.
I am currently going to a gym, i really lost it when she ordered lingere using that gmail account, the next thing i saw was that she has signed up for a new hotmail account. She will be joining college in July. I wanna meet her before that. The thing here is this girl used me like a doormat for a lot of time, she needs a blow that i have moved on and i am with someone else (this was what got me back when i was in her shoes). You said not to unfriend her but i have behaved so so desperate that she will surely think the things i do on fb are just to show her.
She did things she promised me she never will, i had also promised that i will never talk to that girl again, would adding her to my facebook make it worse or it will have the effect it had on me when she was with someone else ?
It's hard to say what effect it will have. If you want to get back in touch with your ex, you should add her. Don't think about what your current ex will think. Don't add her just to make her jealous or get a reaction out of her. If you don't have any interest in her, don't add her.
Also, stop checking her gmail. If you can't stop yourself, tell her to change her password. If her facebook statuses and posts are not stopping your progress, let her remain as a friend. She might suspect that you are doing it to make her jealous, but it'll still have an effect on her. Don't make it completely obvious that you are trying to show her you've moved on. Be subtle.
Hey Kevin,
I've read through everything in your article (numerous times!) I've not seen anything about other people getting involved? My cousin, after seeing how hurt I was messaged my ex (of a month) and his new fling (of 2 weeks) and they had a few arguments, I messaged him to tell him to ignore it all, we spoke and he said that he's not with this new girl (although EVERYTHING that they're showing is signs of a rebound, flirting on facebook, staying at eachothers places, her being everything he said he didn't want in a girl! ..) I've not spoken to him in a few days, although the last month there's been a lot of arguments, he's deleted and blocked off everything since our last contact. How damaging is this, and is it worth even starting the 5 step plan now, or should I just cut my losses?
Thanks in advance!
- S
I think there's still a chance. Apply no contact and tell your cousin to not do anything like that again.
Hi Kevin,
i have read your step plans & i will follow them, i also want to receive the emails.
Will this still work even if we have a kid together?
Thanks.
There's no guarantee but it'll definitely increase your chances. Read this article to learn about no contact with kids.
Kevin,
I've read your article but I'm still really confused what to do about the no contact for 30 days thing because my ex won't break up with me. We are still currently together and engaged, and I know he is going through some things and said he needed time to figure some stuff out but he won't break up with me? I even told him that if there was someone else or he wanted to end things then that was fine, but to please just end things so that I could move on with my life. But he told me he still loved me and didn't want to break up. I am trying to give him his space but I am just confused where to go from here since technically we are still together and engaged. What should I do?
If you are still together, don't apply no contact. Give him space. When he contacts you, reply to him. Don't show any signs of neediness.
Hey Kevin,
Let me start by saying your a HUGE help, I can't thank you enough.
Since my breakup I've made significant progress, I'm in the "sort of over it" stage.
I still love her though and want to win her back.
I'm in week 3 of the no contact period.
I set a aim of 4 weeks, which I'm sure ill complete.
I've also learned from common friends that she misses me. Which is great news :D
My only issue is, I don't know what am I supposed to do after no contact period?
I can't meet her because shes in another country.
she will be coming back in another 4-5 months.
I'm afraid she will move on completely if I wait that long.
Should I contact her and be friends?
Or should I wait for her to make contact?
Awaiting your reply,
Rohit
Start with texts. If she is warm, then ask her to skype after a while. If things go well, then eventually you can go to her city to meet up.
She stays in another country, I don't think I can go there considering the expenses and the visa issues.
I've been needy in the past before and after the breakup.. I've made a lot of the mistakes you've mentioned.
Would I look weak if I messaged first?
I have read relationship rewind,
Is it a good idea to send her that hand written letter at this stage?
If she stays in another country, how is the relationship going to work between you two? Do you really see a long term potential with her? Even if you do get her back, how often will you be able to see her? If you've completed no contact, send the hand written letter (not the one in Relationship rewind, that's if you are already friends with her).
She will be coming back in 4-5 months, I'm confident that things will be good once she is back.
But I'm afraid that she will completely move on in these 5 months.
I want to avoid that at all costs.
I have successfully completed 1 month on nc today.
My b'day will be coming up in 2 weeks, I'm sure she will call to wish me.
Should I wait for her to call me or should I initiate?
Her best friend is a good friend of mine, should I ask her if she still has feelings for me?
Can't thank you enough for your advice,
Rohit
Don't ask her friend.
Wait for her to wish you. Then wait another week and then contact her. If she doesn't wish you, contact her two weeks after your birthday.
Hey Kevin,
I am in need of your assistance. My ex bf of whom I was with for 6 months decided to break up because he said I hurt him...the thing is he is in the military and I didn't understand how things were goin to be at first so I was complainin about how I barely see him and how I felt about the no communication...but in doing this he said I hurt him to the point where he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. I got mad and said some kinda hurtful things because in my defense I believe I was just being a girl who wanted the attention and communication from her bf. But while talkin he looked me in my eyes and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. This made me cry and I just knew that my relationship was over forever so I panicked and begged and pleaded but later to find out he still felt the same so then the break up was official. He texted me and told me when he brings all my things to me that he wants to sit down and talk and I have no idea what that could mean. What steps should I take in trying to fix this situation. I love him soo much that sad to say I could let him go so that he could actually be happy with someone else. The only things is my heart got so attached im lost please help me.??
When he comes to talk, stay calm and don't show any signs of neediness. After that, start no contact and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with around nearly two months ago. I did the bad thing of texting him, but not too much. We have got into some fights, the last being a week and a half ago. I miss him like crazy and have not contacted him for about a week. Do you think it is too late for me to have hope for our relationship to survive. I'm worried that it has been nearly two months and he will forget about me. His reasoning for breaking up with me was not great, he just said it was because of little reasons that built up. We are both still young and I'm hoping he is just going through a stage.
Please help me!! :(
Sorry i forgot to add he is 20 and I am 21.
Hello Kevin:
My girlfriend broke up with me JUST short of 3 years (we are both 22 by the way), saying she just wasn't in love with me anymore. I still think about her all the time. It's been about 3 weeks of no contact, but in 3 more weeks there is an event at which we will both be present. Should I wait for the event to try to talk to her? I already left her a letter (though I gave it to her 3 days after we broke up) saying all the things on my mind, basically all of the good aspects of our relationship and the good times we had. I know she read it and she cried a lot. Is this a good sign? She hasn't contacted me. At the event (it's a mutual friend's wedding), should I try to sit near her and start a conversation, maybe even ask her to dance? I just want to do everything right because I still think we belong together. Thanks for the advice; it's really been helpful in this difficult time.
Contact her a week before the wedding. If she is warm, then you can do all the things you said in the wedding. If she is cold, you shouldn't try to get close to her during the wedding.
Thanks Kevin,
Yea I know it sounds a lot like a honeymoon phase but me and her have had so many things come between us in the past and we always managed to get past them. Back when we were only friends her boyfriend hated my guts and at one time she tried to end our friendship because of her feelings for me and the problems it was causing with her relationship but in the end we got through it. But we have always got along really well its just circumstances have arisen a few times that made things difficult. And as for the honeymoon phase, everyone has to start there, and I've been told that the best relationships manage to hold onto some of those honeymoon feelings.
Hi Kevin!
First of all thank you for your emails. They are inspiring. :)
But I have question for you.
Me and my ex are so to say coworkers. We are woking together as leading people in one organization and train same sport. We broke up in february just before 2 major events planned and we had to stay in contact. So no contact period was a bit imposible.
But, he was in and out of country (work) and we had only facebook chats around organizing the events. He tried to be friendly and send me some funny photos, but I said that we should stay just on business topics.
So now, 3 months later, evethought we were in contact here and there when we had to do something, I worked on myself (trainings, mental and physical) and came to my ex and said that I want to be friends with him because we have to work with each other, I'm ok with breakup eventhough I thought that we will make it, but what is here is here etc.
He replied that it's to soon for him, he needs some time, because he still has all the feelings for me (btw I found out that he already slept with local slut (not joking, girl is beautiful, but like train station), and he told me that he has some other girl he's chatting with and likes to hang out with her eventhough he thinks there will be nothing between them, he likes the chemistry and simplicity).
When we meet (usually work included, or training) I'm controling myself to be calm, positive and have no chemistry towards him, so that he doesn't feel threatened. Don't know how to explain it better, it's like I mentally turn myself to think that I'm talking just to another friend, like we had no history (helps reminding myself the fact of sleeping with another, and that cools my chemistry down).
Now, I'm following your recomendation relationship rewind (R. Rivers), and I think that I established fake friendship phase, and acting like it, but I'm confused by his actions.
I don't know what to do...
What do you think I should do? Am I on right track?
Thank you a lot. :)
Best regards!
You are on the right track. Give him some space for now. Instead of asking for friendship, just start acting more friendly and start talking about things outside of work. Since you are already in touch, you don't need to establish false friendship with him. The main aim of false friendship is to open communication channels between you two.
Hi Kevin,
I'm curious about what I should do if I cannot physically maintain the no contact rule. I am going to be sitting next to my ex in a class tomorrow for about an hour and a half (no choice in this matter.) Any tips on what I should do? I don't want to even be around her right now, so that the no contact will have more of an effect. Should I restart the no contact period after the class?
Be cordial and treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Don't talk about anything personal. If she brings it up, tell her you don't think it's a good idea to talk about anything personal right now. You need some space and time.
I thought that might be the answer, thanks for the advice!
Hi Kevin,
I posted a message earlier and I think you might have missed it or something I don't know, but if you could take a look at it, that would be awesome.
As always Kevin, Thanks
I replied here.
hi everyone well i am here for advice me and my ex were together for a year and we would always have little fights allot ill admit some were my fault and some were his but they were never really big fights just small and ended quick. our last fight was big and we said some harsh words to each other. he said he didn't have feelings for me anymore (because our fights) and he told me to move on. but i don't believe him. i think he was applying the nc rule to me and I've done it to. tomorrow will be 30 days we haven't spoken. but i still feel that he is very angry with me i don't know if i should contact him or not yet. i still love him with every piece of my heart i would do anything to take it back. I've completed 30 days of no contact but can i get some expert advice do you know if he is just saying these hurtful things to me because he is angry with me or does he really mean he doesn't have feelings for me anymore? anybody somebody please help me. please don't tell me to move on because i don't plan on it.
I don't think he really means it.
Hi Kevin. I had an emotional break up with my ex boyfriend two months ago. We both are 27. We dated for 3 years, and lived together for more than a year. We depended on each other a bit too deeply because we moved in a different country when we started living together. We were going to get married next year, but after loads of arguments and pressures of marriage my ex decided to leave me. He was very emotional just after the breakup, so I applied NC as in your article about a month. Today he sent me an email saying he is very sorry about this breakup and appreciates everything I've done to him, and believes I will be better off without him. I know he wants me to move on, but I still want him back in my life even as a friend. What should I do to this email? Should I ignore, or wright him back? Do you think I have no hope any more?
You have hope. Write him back with the letter mentioned in the article. Then send him a text after a week.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my ex were together nearly 4 years, I'm 20 and he's 22.
As far as I was concerned the relationship was going just fine and we were both happy, then out of the blue he started being really distant with me, I didn't see him for around a week, when I eventually did see him he told me that he "didn't feel the same anymore" and saw me as "more of a friend now". I kept asking him why he felt this way and what had changed, I told him that I didn't understand what had happened but he just kept saying that he couldn't explain it and I got the lame excuse "it's not you, it's me" and kept telling me that he was sorry.
He broke off the relationship but told me he still wanted to be friends, we sat together for a little while and he got really close and ended up having sex. I asked him what happens now and he said he didn't know. He sat for a while and thought about it and told me that his decision was final and we were still broken up. He took me home and as I was saying goodbye, I told him I loved him, and he said "I love you too" and started to cry.
I am still confused as to why he has made this decision if he still loves me.
It has been 2 1/2 weeks now since the break up, at first we were still texting but it was mostly me doing the talking. After a few days I decided to bring in the no-contact rule and stopped texting him. We haven't messaged now for 10 days.
Unfortunately we have the same group of friends, thankfully I don't see him much but when I do we don't really speak. He doesn't even make the effort to say Hi or anything.
I bumped into his mum not long ago and she told me that he's not been himself lately and doesn't know if he's changing for the better or worse.
Could this be something to do with the break up? Do you think there is still a chance that we could get back together?
Thanks.
Hi Kevin,
This is a continuation of our last conversation and I need your advice again. Last Friday, I have managed to meet up with my ex at her apartment, but she was hesitant. We talked about how she was doing in school and classes. While I was with her, I was able to kiss, hug, touch, etc.. but I knew she was still with the other guy. When I was physically really close to her, I told her that I cared for her and I made her cry when I have mentioned the happy moments of when we were together. Sometime during that day I've asked her if I could take her to shop the day after. At first, she kept saying she didn't know, but after telling her that it wouldn't be too long, she finally greed. Later that night, we went out for dinner and dessert, and then I took her back to her apartment.
The next day, I went over to her place in the morning and slept with her until noon. Then we went to the mall and shopped until around 7 pm. We had a great time, at first she didn't let me hold her hand, but later on I was able to. After shopping, I brought her to get a drink and went to the ocean together. After that, I brought her back home and helped her with laundry and stayed at her apartment for a while.
Before I left, I got really close to her again and was able to kiss her, etc but I made her cry again when I have mentioned the great moments we had together in the past. I told her that she was important to me, and that whatever she did, I hope that she will be happy. As she was crying, I asked if she was happy or sad and hoped that the tears were tears of happiness. I have never mentioned about getting back together with her because I didn't want her to bring her defenses back up. I also didn't mention the other guy. I know she's with the other guy because I saw a message from him to her saying something like "so what are you doing love", and this was before we left to shop.
I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by triggering her emotions to make her break down in tears. I asked when we could hangout again, and told her that I didn't want to bother her. I told her to take care, and I left as I saw her in tears.
Kevin, it seemed like I pushed her further away and I am worried. She and I both know that she is with someone, and I know she still loves me but I feel like she still wants to be consistent with her decision of breakup. She once said "a relationship is not just about love". When I talked about these great moments we had together, she only spoke in tears. I feel like that guy didn't do anything wrong to upset her so they may very well still be together. It sucks knowing that after spending a short day or two with her, that I will have to leave her for who knows how long and that she will be with the other guy. I told her I don't want to bother her, so I haven't given her when we could hangout again.. and at the same time I want to see her and spend the rest of my life with her. Your advice and emails have been really useful in keeping my emotions stabilized, thank you. Should I continue no contact? Limited contact? I don't know what I should do and I know the decision between me and that guy is hers to make. But I feel like she wouldn't contact me because she never has since break up, it was always me. It feels like I have a disadvantage because she and that guy could see each other everyday whereas when I ask her, it would just be a "busy" response. I am tired of chasing but I know she still has feelings for me and she's not the type to reach out to me when we aren't together. I still believe that I deserve another chance to be with her to show her that I AM capable of being her future partner.
Hi Kevin,
Today I've asked my ex out for dinner on Wednesday and she agreed, I'm surprised of this because she would usually say she's busy. Her words of "caring for each other as friends" and "I don't think we are capable of being partners" is still stuck in my head so I'm not sure if she is going to leave me randomly or not. I know I should just treat her as a friend but I've been jumping ahead and she wouldn't mind it. It seems like it is still one sided and I'm not sure how I should approach this. I am almost certain that she is still seeing the other guy. I am seeing her on Wednesday for dinner, what should I do Kevin, I don't want her to leave me again and she probably has no reason to leave the other guy.
PS: Thanks for all of your emails they are helpful :)
Be happy and confident. Don't show any signs of neediness. Don't bring up the relationship. And have a good time.
Hi Kevin,
Today, while I was with her, sometimes it seems like she is having a good time, but sometimes it seems like she is thinking about something else. There are times of the day where we were both quite because there was nothing to say. I've been happy and confident while I was with her and never spoke of relationship. I can hold her hands and kiss her, but if I do it too much, it annoys her. It still seems like it is one-sided, however, this time it's different than post breakup. The difference is that instead of being cold, the next time I asked her to hangout, she is willing to find time and accept it. It seems that she is giving me another chance, but it could also mean that she still has feelings for me but doesn't want a relationship with me. Is it considered showing signs of neediness if I told her that I miss her and telling her I like way she smiles? It's just that when I say those things, it brings back memories of us. Another problem is that I don't want to keep asking her out just to eat everyday/every other day.. I don't want her to feel annoyed, but at the same time I want to hangout with her and not make it seem like I am ignoring her by not talking to her.
Thank you for your advices, they have been very helpful :)
It's not needy if you say it in the right situation. If she is being cold and you say that, it makes you look needy. If you are hugging, cuddling, holding hands, having a romantic walk, and you say that, it's not needy.
Plan out some exciting dates. A concert, theme park, mini-golf. The possibilities are endless.
Hey Edward,
I don't think you pushed her away as you didn't show any signs of neediness. I think you should contact her again after a week or two. Meet up again. Have a good time. This time, have more fun and keep things light. I think she will eventually breakup with the other guy.
Hi Kevin,
I had a fun and great time with her today, I even slept over for the night. I asked her if it was weird to hold her hands because she was holding the other guy's hand. It turns out that she enjoys spending time with me rather than him, but I'm not sure if it is true. She says she doesn't want to make the other guy feel sad because then he won't do homework with her. Does this mean she has feelings for him?
We had a fun day the next day too but when it was night time, after I took her home, she would suddenly become irritated and want me to leave suddenly. She would tell me that she has to do homework and would tell me to go home. If I tried to stay a bit longer and try to question her, she would find me annoying and would tell me I'm stressing her out.
It seems like the guy likes her but I'm not really sure how she feels about him even though she told me that she doesn't like him like that. Clearly, the things we do together while we are hanging out is not just in a friend level. I just don't know what she is thinking and I'm confused on what she's up to and I don't know what to do about it.
She is confused about her feelings. Keep talking to her and hanging out with her. But don't show any signs of neediness and don't ask her questions that she doesn't want to answer. You have to be the cool guy. Let the other guy become the inquisitive, annoying, obsessive control freak.
hi kevin,
We were in relationship for 8 months and she broke up giving an reason that she is not able to concentrate on her studies. She is 22+ and i am 23+. We had fights some times when i feel jealous of her male friends and asking about them, and she tried to avoid arguing on it and most of the times keeps quite by saying sorry. but after our break up she i tried all that normal behaviour of convincing her to get back together, but nothing worked, and finally both us decided to be friends and to be in contact. from more than 8-9 months we are in contact and we do texts on whats app and Facebook and rarely over the phone or skype, as we are in long distance relationship. I am in Dubai and she is in India.
Whenever any girl comes in life she becomes little angry and tries to comment on that.. "Go to your new GF' or if am not replying then she says "Stay busy with ur new gf dont talk to me" i don't understand is she really interested in me or what?? but what i know is i want her back because i tried to date new girls but i want my ex back.
sometimes after fights i said that please don't be in contact and but again i send an text to talk.
i just to ask you if i start NC then shall i block her on wats app as if i will use whats app and she will see i am online will it be fine to not reply for her texts.. how shall i proceed with this.. please suggest
Just tell her you need space and time and start no contact. If she still texts you, don't reply.
Hi Kevin. I have dumped my girlfriend twice in the with the last 18 months. The most recent breakup happened about 8 weeks ago. I have made it clear that both times I broke up with her, I was dealing with severe personal problems, and that there has never been a loss of love for her. I still think the absolute world of her. Despite the breakup, she still turned to me and only me when she was going through some serious school problems, which are now resolved. We stopped talking for about a week after that. The a couple weeks later, I opened up to her about my problems and just how severe they were. Her response was that she and I should not contact each other anymore, and she would deny my request to talk to her a few days after that. The shock of that enabled me to get my act together with some help, and I am perfectly fine now. Two weeks after she told me that, I brought flowers, cupcakes, a giftcard, and a letter to her place. The letter explained everything, basically how sorry i was for what i put her through, how i feel like a new person now after overcoming my problems, how much i love her, etc. A few days after that, while i wasnt home, she dropped off everything i brought to her back to my place, with a note from her saying, "please do not contact me in any way, please." She also texted me saying shes happy im better now but wants nothing right now. She has said that multiple times. I asked her why she wants nothing just right now, and she finally said she's seeing someone. She started seeing this person about four weeks prior to me writing this comment, so very recently. To make matters worse, someone hacked her fb account and mine. She believes im the hacker (I'm not). And yesterday texted me saying she never wants to be with me again, to never text her call her, or see her, and to get in my head that her and I are over.
In spite of all that, I remind myself that one time, she said to not text her, call her, or see her, and then proceeded to apologize and treat me the best she ever has. Basically, she has said that when she's mad she has a tendency to go overboard, and to say certain things just to get me off her back.
I am still hopeful and know she's the one for me. I know despite my problems, I still hurt her really badly. I am just concerned as for my plan of action now. The person she is seeing will be in another country in five weeks, and stay there for 12 weeks. I am assuming I should give no contact period for now. But I would like some outside input. Thank you for the assistance
I am almost 21, she is 21, I am graduating college in four weeks, she most likely has a year or two left. When we were together, we strongly agreed distance wasnt an issue. Outside of college we live 30 minutes apart.
Hey Carlos,
Continue no contact and then contact her using text messages or the letter mentioned in the article. I think she might be in a rebound.
Hi Kevin,
I read your blog and I believe that you can help me with my problems. My ex bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago (May 4th). I've been calling and texting him ever since we broke up. he said the reason that he wanted to break up is to find himself out of the relationship, that he thinks that he is not ready for it, he's confused which is I totally understand what he's going through and He also said that his passion for our relationship is not as the same as before and it's not fair for me if we still move forward. I'm really in pain, I couldn't think straight that's why I've been contacting him and I know he's getting tired of it. He said that he doesn't want to talk because he feels sad and sorry for breaking my heart. Then I saw a post of a picture of him with a girl (he said they're just friends) that made broke down and cry she gets to hang out with him and I can't, I was afraid loosing him to her. I feel like I'm struggling to survive everyday, my heart feels heavy. I don't want him to forget about me.
You have to follow the steps if you want to get him back. He won't forget about you easily.
I live with my ex and i have been trying to date. Every date I go on makes me want him more. He's been with this new girl for a while which has been killing me since i have to watch them. And he has been pretty mean to me but everyone who comes over notices he pays me a lot of attention and seems like he likes me but it's so confusing. I don't know what to do. I will limit my contact with him but i can't not talk to him we both can't move.. i have never loved someone so much i know his flaws they are annoying but I'd never get rid of his flaws i loved them too i love everything about him . Idk what to do
You will have to stop talking to him and learn to be happy without him if you want him back.
Hi kevin. Me and my ex gf of 4yrs are 2months broken up now. For the first 1 and a half month i tried to chase her. Sent her gifts and made a surprise. I also text and call her sometimes she welcomes it sometimes she seems irritated that im making effort. So i decided to apply NC. Its already 2 weeks. But the letter i sent her reached her already. I guess its alright just so she knows that i finally accepted the breeakup and apologize for my actions after the breakup and i will still continue NC. Now her birthday is on the way and i decided to greet her a plain text message. Im also planning to contact her after 6 weeks of NC. She didnt respond to the letter but i expected it. Hasnt received any calls or texts. Am i on the right track?
Yes you are. All the best.
My comment is not visible
Sorry Divya. I can't find your comment. Please post again. Make sure you read the comments guidelines before posting.
If my boyfriend dumped me then started talking to a new girl the next day is she a rebound?
Most probably.
Hi kevin so ended up texting my ex to check how he was doing and what not after 1 month. I ended the message saying "anyways hope your doing great" he says "thanks. I'm good. And likewise." I just haven't responded after that. Where do I go from here?
I responded to his message 2 days later (last night) and he hasn't yet responded. I feel like he is not responding to me or opening my snapchats and stuff because it is to much for him since he's trying to "move on" and he still has feelings for me. What do I do to catch his attention and atleast make him want to talk?
Use a different mode of communication. Like a text, email or facebook.
Wait another week and text him again. Use the texts in the article.
Kevin,
Me and my kids mother were together for five years and we had problems just like any other couple. She finally reached out and contacted her ex behind my back and now they are dating all with in 2 months time. Although he's a truck driver and she only see him on the weekend, she said she's fallen in love with him again and it hurts me to hear that. I really see where i went wrong and want to fix my relationship do u think there is any hope?
Hi Kevin,
Sorry it's me again. Fortunately, I followed your advice to the exact no contact for two months. He messaged and called me randomly. In the conversation, I thought he had stuff to tell me, but he didn't. He asked if I had any questions about our past relationship. All I asked was what happened and he said he didn't feel it. Mind you we were separated for 5 months while together for 2 yrs and we reconnected again. He said there's no chance of starting again. I reminded him that he said that last time too. He said he's seeing someone and it's been 5 weeks. I said okay and that I'm seeing other people too but nothing is working since I'm not over him fully. He said that I liked him for his looks and I started laughing and rejecting the idea. He didn't reply and told me that I can talk to him to get over him. The next day I messaged him telling him I'm happy he's taking my advice and trying new things which I wanted to do while we were together, but he wasn't into the idea. He responded back to stop messaging him. I got really confused, so I said back you told me to talk to you and that I am hurt. He told me to control my emotions and that I can do it since he fakes his emotions all the time. I am so confused, Kevin.. I'm not sure how to proceed. I didn't message him after that and my friends say that he still likes me since he talked to me. I don't know though or how to see it or will we even get back together?... Thank you for taking time to read each of our comments and helping each one of us in advance.
p.s. I asked why he decided to talk to me now and he said it just felt like it was time. I don't know if this extra info would help you to access the situation.
Hey Connor,
You shouldn't message him for a while. He basically called to see if you are over him and you told him you are not. Next time when you chat, avoid talking about the relationship and try to portray that you are happy in your life and have made a lot of positive changes. Don't talk to him about getting back together.
Hi,
I saw you had replied to some comments around the same time that I posted mine. I can't seem to find mine though. Thanks!
It's here.
Hey kevin.. got no answer from you
Hey,
I replied to your comments here and here.
3 weeks ago my bf of 6 months dumped me because he needed space to figure out who he is. I'm so hurt and confused. Our relationship was so strong and honest. My bf was a recovering addict and I was behind him 110% and accepted his recovery and accepted how recovery will always be a part of him. I feel like it takes a special person to do this.
I'm confused, he told me that I'm everything he's ever wanted in a girl yet he still needs space. It's been 11 days since I last talked to him and when we last spoke he still wanted space.
Do you have any advice?
Give him his space. Apply no contact for 30 days and then contact him as explained in the article.
I have did mistake in all the case in article can there is way to get ex back
In my case, my wife has left, with our two beautiful children, ages 1 and 3. I made mistakes which violated her trust, and wish I had a chance to make right. At face value, doesn't the "no contact rule" help fuel a belief that I don't miss my kids? The truth is that I miss my wife and kids terrible, They are my world. Shouldn't I at least make contact to request time to talk to my kids? I assume that this was written for a boyfriend-girlfriend split up, rather than a broken person who lost his wife and kids. They are a 7 hour drive, into another state.
Hey Jim,
Read this article to learn how to do no contact with kids.
Hi Kevin
My boyfriend and I broke up on 1st May. We have been together for almost 4 years and we are both turning 29 this year. We just graduated from University couple months back.
He ended the relationship because of several factors:
1) our thinking is different (such as our future - how many kids we want, house and how we see things differently)
2) he is going back to Uni to do his PhD (means another 3 years) - which initially I was not happy about because it would clearly mean pushing our marriage plans further and further
3) I was hoping to be married to him by 30.
4) he felt I was always too nice to my family members and that I should learn to say 'NO!'
I'm not sure if I am really the needy sort, though I do get jealous or worried at times when he is out with some girls that I do not know. But I trust him for he would always tell me that he will not cheat on me if he has a girlfriend and he expects me to do the same for him now. When we were together, I do give him his space. As I'm working, I let him do what he wants and we only meet during the weekends.
Now that he's no longer with me, I miss him very much. Everywhere I go, it reminds me of him.
After reading your article, I realize I have made a few grave mistakes such as begging him not to leave me and texting/emailing him. I think what is worse was I slept him with him after 1 week plus of breakup. It was just purely that, I did not ask him to get back with me and we both agreed that we have our needs to be fulfilled. I'm worried that he might see me as a 'Friend with Benefits' but I told him not to see me that way. Also, just a few days of our breakup I just can't stop messaging him. I was so worried that he would find someone new. He texted me back and said 'When you keep forcing a kid to eat something he doesn't like, he will hate it. I don't want to hate you. So lets take our time.'
I'm still very lost. Its almost coming to 3 weeks, I tried to do things to make myself feel better but I can't. Only way is to work and work keeps me from thinking about him. I might try your 'No contact - 30 days' but will he move on? That worries me!
After we broke up, I did ask him if there will ever be a day we will get back together?
He did say he's not sure what might happen in the future but he also said 'Maybe. I definitely won't say its not possible, but rather I think it may happen in the future'
Sorry this has turned out to be so lengthy but I hope you could tell me other tips on how to get him back. Your article is great. Thanks.
-May
Hi May,
You absolutely must apply no contact. And I am pretty sure he won't move on during the no contact period. You need to learn to be happy without him if you want to get him back. I'll also recommend that you really think things through before getting back with him. If you two want different things in the future, it's better end things now instead of a more painful divorce down the line.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to apply the no contact period but have failed miserably ever since my last post on May 17. I have started the no contact once again since May 23rd.
I am trying my best to be happy. Trying to find my old self back but it is not easy. Wherever I go and whatever I do, it reminds me of him.
On May 22, he removed our Facebook status (when we broke up, we agreed not to remove it as we did not want people to ask and that we are both not keen in replying.) He said he would remove it only when he think we are both ready. I'm not sure why he thinks I'm ready. Is it because of the lunch meet up on May 21st that he thought I was ready?
I met him on May 21st as I had bought him something (which I know I clearly shouldn't have), he agreed to meet for lunch that day. It was a simple lunch and I wore one of my nicest work dresses that day. He asked how was my family, my nephews and we even talked about our past diving experiences. He did mention that we can still meet up for meals in the future.
I notice he was either putting his hand in his pockets or putting his hand on his sling bag strap. Why? Was I that scary?
Anyway, when we said goodbye. He just left. It was painful when he left for I wanted to hug him so badly. Throughout the whole meal, I told myself not to say anything about getting back but when he talked about diving moments, I found that really attractive.
I remember when we broke up, I said to him that I will wait for him. He told he don't believe such things as his 1st girlfriend did not keep to her promise of waiting for him. But I am serious. I want to show him that I'm willing to work things out with him and to show him I have changed.
I understand what he needs and what he wants for the future. I only realize after the breakup (after reflecting on myself and on our relationship) that I was selfish, my mood was the deciding factor of our conversation, I always avoid confrontation and that I was not supportive of his decision to do PhD. I believe that pressurizing him was wrong (only to realize that too late) and that our future should not be a rush for I have to give him time and space to let him do what he wants. I was too much of a rush and failed to understand his worries and concern.
I don't know how to convey all these to him. I'm not sure if I should even say all these at this time. I really hope I could work things out with him and make it last.
Hope to hear from you soon.
-May
Hi Kevin,
Just want to add that I stood up for my relationship in early February and I gave him an ultimatum. I wanted him to realize the importance but from the conversation I had with over the phone. I know he was ready to leave me but I compromise after 2 days as I fear that he will really leave me.
He said on our May 1st break up that he was very impressed that I stood up for it but was disappointed in me when I gave in. He said that if he had left me then. He will definitely want me back.
I made the decision to compromise because I love him and that I hope we could iron out our differences but I guess I forgot the pain and just covered it all over again. My compromise was to be in a day to day relationship and if we find someone better, we would let each other know (I did not want to say that... But he was so persistent on wanting to leave then).
From February to May, my ex and I were in a sort of day to day relationship. We still love each other then but could feel the cracks. The May 1st breakup happened because of a argument (over my sister's work), I agreed with him on where my sister went wrong but I also told him that she is still my sister and to understand where my stand is. And this is where it starts, he said our thinking was too different etc.. and he left.
-May
Hey May,
I know it sucks, the one who compromises because of love is considered weak and needy and therefore unattractive. But if you think about it, if you are putting someone else before your own needs, it means you don't love yourself as much you love them. And if you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you?
Hi Kevin,
I can't seem to reply from your last comment and I'm not sure if my comment was sent so here it goes...
So what should I do? I've maintained my NC for already one week. Should I maintain this NC for another 3 more weeks?
He seems to be hanging out with his diving friends a lot more than usual. I am trying my best to find myself back. I'm doing things more for myself.. Learning to love and care for myself more.
Do you think we still have a chance? I don't know why he still keep our picture on his Facebook, is it because he does not want people to ask or is it because he still care for me?
I'm lost. I'm trying to be strong. Doing things to keep myself busy and hoping time will heal this wound.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Yes, you should do no contact for 3 more weeks. Yes, I do think you have a chance. I can't say why he is keeping pictures on facebook but my advice is don't overthink it. Concentrate more on making yourself feel better and less on what's going on in his mind.
Hi Kevin,
I just wanted to ask if you think there is a chance that me and my ex-boyfriend will get back together.
We have been together for 4 years and most of the time it was just great. Sure we had our disagreements from time to time, but nothing fundamental. We shared a lot of intimacy and trust and could talk about everything, even our sex-life was great.
The last few months, however, were more difficult. It was a stressful time for both of us because of new jobs, new living situation etc.... And during this time I got the feeling that we started to grow apart and that he wasn't really making an effort anymore, taking our relationship for granted. So I decided to talk to him about this issue, and that we both need to start working on our relationship again. First he agreed, but a few weeks later he broke up with me, saying that right now, he just doesn't have the energy to put this kind of effort in our relationship, that he needs this energy for his new job and that he doesn't want to make me unhappy, so it would be better and easier for us to just be friends. The day after the breakup, I tried to convince him that it was a bad idea and that we still have a chance to be happy as couple, and that I would try to be less needy and demanding, but I could not change his mind and finally gave up. For the next few days, we just had regular contact via phone and messaging as "friends". Then a friend told me about he no contact rule and I found your website. I implemented that rule immediately without telling him, so when he texts me now, I don't reply.
I somehow think that maybe all of this was necessary so both of us can take care of their own lifes now, become happier persons again, but still, I wish for us that we can have a fresh start as a couple when this period is over.
Do you think that there is a realistic chance that this is gonna happen when I follow the 5 step plan?
Yes, you do have a decent chance.
Hey Kevin, me and my ex girlfriend just broke up a week ago, and yesterday she told me she never wants to speak to me again. but I love her, and I want her back. she's blocked all possible ways of communicating. she says she's moved on, but I don't believe she really has. do I still have a chance?
Yes, follow the advice in the article.
Things with my ex are a bit stagnant now. He still talks to me and things like that but he seems to have lost interest somewhat. We don't get to talk very much because of work and I guess maybe that's why. I don't know. I'm still keeping my cool around him but I don't know what else to do sometimes. Should I even make a move or just wait on him? I wish I could read his mind. The last time we ate lunch together, there wasn't really any flirting and he even called me his "friend". I shouldn't have taken offense to that but I did. I kinda felt discouraged and that I lost my chance. I didn't tell him this of course, I just stayed cool and just continued to hang out. Does this mean he no longer has feelings for me Kevin? Should I just give up and move on for good? I guess I should take partial blame because I haven't even shown any signs of being interested in him nor have I ever been flirtatious. Just treating him like a friend. Is it too late now?
I don't think it's too late. You are in good terms with each other, you can try going on a little more exciting dates. For example, concerts, or theme parks and spice things up a bit.
I agree Kevin, but sometimes it's hard to work up the courage. My confidence is improving but it's not where it needs to be yet. The reason I know this is because the thought of texting him scares me sometimes even though he always responds. And it's hard not knowing how the other person feels or what they're thinking. How can I get past this feeling?
You have to realize that no matter what happens, you are going to be happy in your life and you will find the relationship you deserve. If not him, it will be someone else. I know it's easier to say it than to actually accept it as a fact. A good way is whenever you catch yourself worrying about how he is feeling and what he is thinking, remind yourself that in the grand scheme, his thoughts and feelings don't really matter.
This is a really lovely comment, Kevin. Truly, this reply to Lacey, also means a lot to me too. Thank you. :)
:)
Hee Kevin,
I placed a comment on 10th of may, but I can't find my it.
Hey Suzanne,
I am sorry I can't find your comment either. Can you post it here again. Please read the comments guidelines before commenting.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago and she said she needed some time so we have been taking some time off. So, I only spent 2 weeks on the no contact rule and we started talking good again, and we even had sex but she said that we shouldn't have because it just made it more difficult to know what she really wants. She doesn't know what she wants. She has also reinstated that she has many reasons to be with me and many reason to not want to be in a relationship with me. She said she wants to take it slow and that if I text her, she will reply. She is still very supportive, and says she will always be here for me. I only made a few mistakes but, I am trying to show her that I trust her by, staying away from social networks and accusing her of anything. She said she has realized that I am trying to change. Idk, why I would even doubt her, I honestly believe this girl would never do anything to hurt me anyways, she says that she isn't giving up but she need to get her mind straight and that she still loves and cares about me. I can tell by the way we kiss and she holds me. She tells me she misses me. Idk, what to do to win her back and I'm debating on whether or not to Restart the 30 day NC again, but I feel it would be a mistake because we started to talk again. What should I do?
Don't start no contact again. Stay in touch, go out with her and keep having fun with her without showing any signs of neediness and without asking her to get back together.
While I have to agree this is well-thought and well-written article I have to question the fundamental reason for wanting to get back with your ex. There is at least one or several primary reasons people break up (mistrust, growing apart emotionally, conflicts, bad sex, etc). Just because you “win” back your ex doesn’t mean these issues will be resolved effortlessly, and believe me when I say these issues WILL cause problems again once the honeymoon stage of your relationship is over. More importantly, once you get back with your ex you have forever broken the mutual trust that you established in your initial relationship and there will always be a lingering discomfort that the relationship may end again. There are even several studies that have shown that cyclic relationships (relationships in which partners break up and reunite) have little to no chance to last. And for those people whose exes have been in rebound relationships; if your ex had one or several relationships after the breakup and you hadn't, question yourself if that is REALLY acceptable to you once you manage to get him or her back?
So save yourself time and energy and instead of trying to win your ex back, accept the fact that your relationship is over, focus on yourself and find love with someone that you are truly compatible with.
Hey Mac5,
Thanks for your comment. And I agree with you. That is why a huge part of this article is about the no contact period and realizing whether or not getting your ex back is a good idea.
Hey Kevin,
Okay so, I've read relationship rewind twice and I'm trying to follow that and this article. I recently ended NC and I texted her. She said she thought I hated her because I wasn't talking to her and she was very worried about me. I responded positively and have not really talked about any of my personal feelings to her at all. Also I would always end the conversation with I gotta go or it was good talking to you. Recently she and I got into a conversation (just a small conversation, nothing personal or big) and she said she was moving in with the guy that she has been talking to. She said the reason was because she lives with her family right now and they are being very rude and disrespectful towards her and she wanted to just get away from them. So now I'm in panic mode, I'm worried that she will just continue to think of me as a friend and end up with that other guy. Of course, I don't text her much because I don't want her to think of me as needy or desperate. So I'm trying to just be supportive, and positive. But I really worry. Any advice?
Hi Kevin I posted twice I can't see my comment can you help me out? Please check the email address I posted on. If you can email me the comment url link I will have a look at your reply when I get home. Many Thanks in helping everyone out with there struggles in life.
Hey,
Your comment is here.
There's nothing you can do stop her from moving. Offering her to move in with you is going to look desperate. My advice is to continue with what you are doing and ask to meet up after a while.
Me and my ex fiance were together for 3 years then the day after we celebrate his birthday he breaks up with me and says im not there for him and that he needs space. He keeps saying actions speak louder than words. If I just ignore him then I will be proving my shitty actions.
Tell him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup. This way, he'll know you are not doing it because you can't be there for him, but because you need time to deal with the breakup that he initiated. If you show him too much attention, he will just think that you are doing it to get him back and you've not really changed.
BEST MOTHER F***** ADVICE I'VE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE. This has inspired me to be a better person and too move on and be happy. Thanks so much xxx
Love your comment Fi. :)
Kevin,
Thank you for responding to my two posts so far. Earlier you said that my ex has put up a wall, and I should give it a shot. NC ends this week for me, so I'm going to try, but I'm worried that his mental wall is too high. He has not contacted me at all. My male friends say that he is most likely not thinking about me and blocking out thoughts of us (he did say he didn't miss me after all, after we broke up). Also, I will be leaving the country in 8 months for a few years, and he did say that LDR will be difficult if he didn't love the person so much to try, though we did survive a 3-year LDR before. If he is actively resisting thoughts of getting back together, or even having romantic feelings toward me, should I even have hope to try everything you listed (I am actively following your emails) and Relationship Rewind ..? Am having a moment of weakness here, sorry..
Thanks for the help.
And what if he really doesn't love me anymore? He did say he felt numb toward me a few months before we broke up. How long do I keep trying before I give up..?
That's for you to decide Natalie.
That's why you can't be direct when you contact him. When you contact him as a friend and say you just want to catch up, he is going to put his guard down.
Thanks, and I did. I sent the email you suggested, and he was actually up for catching up the day after I sent it. I kept up a positive, friendly vibe but I could still sense his wall. While he was really curious about what was happening in my life/who I was hanging out with, he seemed reluctant to do future activities together. I suggested we do some sports if he liked/if I could be invited to a social event he might organize again that I found fun, but he answered with maybe's and kept suggesting that I do them with my other friends instead (he said it might still be awkward). I responded to that, by saying that it's OK, I understand.
But I guess I'll back off for a while after solidifying the false friendship with a follow-up email, see what happens, and let him take the lead on the next step?
Sounds good. Give him a week or two initiate contact after that.
Thanks.. Sorry did you mean for him to initiate contact, or me?
Also, what if our common friend is organizing a small social event (just 3-5 people) this weekend? (He and I only met last weekend) Should I get her to invite him as well, or will the social setting be too small/too early that he might be cautious..?
I meant if he doesn't contact you in the next couple of weeks, then you contact him. The event might be a good idea since it's less threatening.
Also, do you think that our meet-up can be considered the first face-to-face to solidify friendship? We pretty much skipped the middle steps of texting/email etc. before meeting up. And he was still trying to put emotional distance between us. So am I still at square one of trying to create a false friendship?
I'm sorry I'm asking more questions again. During our dinner (first interaction after no-contact), I mentioned some guys that I was hanging out with (I wasn't sure if he was perturbed by that), and I will be hanging out with more male friends over the weekend. He has not responded to my last email yet (he replied once to my email to solidify friendship, but no response after that to my next reply), or asked to hang out. We also have not hung out with other friends in a group yet either.
If I post photos of myself doing fun activities with another guy, am I doing the sequence wrong, ie. putting the scarcity step ahead of the solidifying friendship step? Will this be encouraging him to move on instead?
I am also worried that I don't stand much of a chance since I will be leaving the country in 6 months for a few years, and that he will reason to himself that if he will be lonely anyway, why not be lonely now? =/
Or maybe I should give him some time, it's only been a week since we re-established contact?
Thanks..
I think it's OK to put pics on facebook. It won't encourage him to move on.
So I managed to get him to come to dinner with me and a bunch of our friends (I kept to your advice about keeping it friendly and fun)... but he was still acting quite awkward... =/ He acted quite unresponsive or disinterested to what I was saying half the time, claimed he didn't look at my FB (though I know he looked at my blog), and kept trying to talk to the other people (I sat next to him). When I suggested to others we go for a movie at some point he said he wasn't interested. What should I do...? It's been 2 months since we broke up after 8.5 years together, and I did the 30-day NC period, but he's acting even less comfortable around me than before the NC period..
I wonder if he guessed my agenda.... or being around our common friends was awkward for him? If so, how do I make him more comfortable around me =/
It's really confusing because, this week he started working on an item related to his GSI after I encouraged him to do it during our meeting last week (he said before he didn't have time to work on it). I offered to help but he said he had enough people to help, but maybe.
And he denies he looks at my FB though he mentioned a comment my friend made on my post.
During the dinner he put up some defensive poses (crossed arms) too.
Is he putting up a wall again, and how do I get around it..? I've already demonstrated that I am ready to just be his friend, and looked good on both meet-ups. Or am I over-doing it, by showing how much fun I am having and moving on? I mentioned 2 guy friends that I hung out with, did I do that too soon? I joked about him trying to attract girls with his new look (he changed his physical appearance for the better), should I not have done that?
If he thinks it's better for himself to move on, if he thinks he doesn't stand a chance/can't give me what he thought I want (from his experience in our past r/s), what can I do about that..? I know at some point I need him to actually start asking me to hang out for the rewind to work..
Hey Natalie,
It's possible he just felt a little awkward at the dinner. I'd recommend you take it down a notch with contacting him. I think you are trying to move things too fast.
Thanks Kevin for the reply. I get what you mean. And perhaps I should treat him more like an acquaintance when I chat with him? It seems to make him uncomfortable when I bring up fun things that he / we did in the past.
Hmm =/ I wonder if he's guessed what I'm doing, suddenly becoming more encouraging and positive than before, right after we resumed contact... He's really perceptive and smart, after all... (He has a PhD..)
That's definitely a possibility.
Ok. Does that mean I completely messed it up then? Do you have any recommendations, besides contacting him less often..?
Since NC period started, I have been a lot more positive, and I think it shows in my posts and comments on FB. Halfway through NC period (so a month ago), I started a motivational blog to help motivate other people in their lives (general life, career, personal relationships), so my positivity and encouragements are not a farce, and definitely not just for him. I mean, when we met, I was definitely acting like I would now to a close friend. But maybe I showered him with too many encouragements within the first week of contact? I did encourage him on his GSI, and to hang out more with this long-time friend, and said I was proud of what his company was doing (which is something I've been saying for a long time, but he did not accept because he thinks I hate his work for taking time away from us). These were things that (I thought) I had always been encouraging him to do before we broke up though.
No, it doesn't mean you messed it up. You still have a chance. Just take it down a notch when you are with him. I proud of all the progress you've made a lot of progress and I know it's not just for him. But he doesn't. And he might feel like that you are doing it just to rub it in his face. Note that I am just taking a guess here and I may be wrong.
Thanks Kevin. I have been thinking about whether I should give him more time to heal from our breakup? We dated for 8 years after all, and we had a lot of conflict, mostly started by me. Perhaps 2 months isn't enough for him to remove the negative light he sees me in? I'm just extrapolating from his behavior over our last 3 interactions -- disinterest, ignorance, refusal to hang out, and very little response (just short curt replies) when I try to email/IM him.
If you think so, you should increase NC to 3 months.
I also forgot to ask, he still has things left in my apartment since he moved out (just books though). Should I just leave them till he asks to take them, or ask him to take them away? I don't know if leaving them here will make him think I'm holding on to something, but I don't want him to think that I'm pushing him away/trying to hurt him by bringing up the past/looking for excuses to talk to him by asking him to take his stuff..
Ignore them unless he asks for it.
I did not mention that the conflicts I caused were due to so many factors mentioned in relationship decay (obligation/ultimatum, not reinforcing his GSI, making too many life-altering decisions for him, guilt-tripping, imbalance, mistrust, etc.). I don't know if I made too many mistakes that it is hopeless in his eyes that I would ever be right for him? I know I am not a bad person though (I have many good friends, am supportive/positive to friends, working toward a PhD, not bad looking). I just have abandonment issues, which led to insecurity (which I am working on) and a lot of issues during our relationship. How can I show him that those issues will not crop up again, since those aren't traits that show up till two people start dating..? Thank you for your help so far.
Hey Natalie,
You are going to unofficially start dating when you two start hanging out. When you guys meet, even though it'll be under the disguise of friends hanging out, there will always be a part of his mind which will be evaluating you as a potential partner. If you don't show any signs of neediness or of someone with abandonment issues, he is going to pick it up.
Kevin, with regards to your suggestion about increasing NC to 3 months, do I start over again, or continue for 2 more months? How do I evaluate if he is still angry/hurt (considering that he was willing to meet 1-on-1 to catch up, but was awkward at social events though he opened up for a while), and 3-month NC is needed? I know he was receptive to my words (as he worked on his GSI after I suggested them), but he is still putting out emotional distance, and has not contacted me since we last met a week ago (which I can understand).
And if our friends organize parties, do I not attend? If I attend them, how do I treat him? Treat him as an acquaintance and mirror his behavior? My PhD graduation weekend is next week, and there's a chance I might bump into him (he said he's going to take photos with our friends), how do I act? Do I take photos with him?
My plan (before your suggestion) was to not contact him and simply hang out at events our friends invite him and me to, instead. Or do you think it's still too much?
Finally, if he contacts me (which I'm really doubting at the moment), how should I react?
Sorry I have so many questions; I just don't know how to evaluate what's going on. He's warm and cold; when I gchatted him before the dinner with our friends, his replies were very concise (but not rude), though when I said 'looks like you're busy, and I'm going off soon to dinner', he said he was distracted with writing his blog (long reply times are normal for him when he's working). He was initially reluctant to attend the dinner as he wasn't invited as first (I only told him about it then), but when I framed it as a way to celebrate someone's birthday and to hang out with friends, he said "ok i'll come along if it's not too weird".
I don't know if he even looks at my FB anymore either. I just tried a new activity he was really interested in as well, but he didn't even 'like' the photos, and 'liked' another link on someone else's wall instead. =/
Continue for 2 more months. Treat as limited contact instead of NC. If he contacts you, respond and see how it goes. When you see him at events, be friendly if he is friendly, and cold if he is cold. As you said, mirror his behavior.
My ex and I had been together for almost 13 yrs and we broke up in Sept. of 2013. We have 2 kids together. Basically our whole relationship, he was stepping out. He even had kids outside of our relationship, but i stayed. The last few months in our relationship, i cheated on him. He found out, i confessed, we stayed together. While we called ourselves trying to work things out, all we did was argue and fight. We didn't trust each other, but we loved each other. I broke up with him. He begged me to stay, said he would change, and I left him anyway. I know I hurt him badly. I got with the guy that I cheated on him with. My ex got with a girl in the end on Nov. and by the end of Feb. he was engaged. In the beginning of April, I broke up with my bf because I was missing my ex and I realized that i never stopped loving him. I told my ex how i felt and he said he still loves me too, but feels its best for us to remain as friends. Not only is he engaged to her, but she is pregnant. They are also about to get an apt. together in about 1 1/2 months. We have been sleeping together, and I have been cooking meals for him and calling to wake him in the morning for work. (he has 2 jobs & sometimes sleeps through the alarm). I have been doing for him, the things that she doesn't like to do. Trying to show him what he is missing, I guess. Well, its not working. And I have already made all the mistakes you mentioned in your guide. (texting,calling,begging). He tells me that if I would have felt this way a little sooner, then maybe we could have worked things out, but I waited until they are getting ready to move in together. He says I gave him the opportunity to fall in love with someone else. I really don't know what to do. I know once they move in together, then its over. I thought it was a rebound thing, because how could he love me so much, and in 13 yrs, we have talked about marriage, but he never proposed, and now after a few months of him meeting this girl, he proposes to her. Our last text with each other was today...I told him that he would never leave her if I keep doing all the things for him that she don't do. He has his cake, and he is eating it too. I told him I'm still waiting for him. He told me not to wait, to find someone, and that if we were meant to be, we will be. If we are not then we won't. What am I suppose to do with that? I don't know what Im going to do. Please help me.
Hey Cynthia,
I think chances of him following through with the engagement are pretty slim. You are right about him having his cake and eating it too. You should follow the 5 step plan. Tell him you need space and time to deal with the breakup and start no contact. Read this article to learn how to do no contact when you have kids.
Hey Kevin,
Me and my ex were together for 8 months, and I've been in NC for 7 weeks. She started seeing someone right after we broke up. We met online, and I just noticed that her profile is back up, so I think her rebound is over. I was thinking about sending her a message on there. Do you think that's a good idea? If so, what should I say?
Thanks!
Yes. Choose from either the letter or the texts in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I have an idea and I wanted to just run it past you and hear your thoughts on the matter. About a week into our relationship, me and her were talking about where things were heading between us, we both agreed on where we wanted things to go but she was scared and a little pessimistic because of all the things that had been happening in her life at the time and so she raised the question of what if Sh!t happens and I asked what she meant and she just said that sometimes things happen and so I asked her if she trusted me and she said yes and I asked her again but this time asked if she trusted me completely and entirely, even with her heart and she again said yes, so I promised her then that if Sh!t happens then me and her would get through it together.
What I'm asking you is if their is anyway in which I can use that to my advantage, perhaps bring up the fact that I promised her that no matter what happened, that I would do whatever it took to make everything okay again?
Earlier I asked you about my problem sending her a letter because of her living with her parents and you told me that facebook is okay to use but here is the thing and I’m trying not to be difficult here but she doesn’t have a facebook account on the fact that she hates how everyone uses it to tell everyone exactly what they are doing 24/7 and I have always agreed. I suppose I can stick to the plan and write a letter and just hope that her parents aren’t so invasive of her privacy as to open her mail but who knows with them, It’s really 50/50 when it comes to her father.
Hi again Kevin,
I have just been adding to my comments here as more things come to mind.
I saw your comment on Steve's post after I asked him about relationship rewind, you mentioned death's door. I'm on deaths door. Since I have already told her that I have accepted the breakup and her decision not to be friends anymore and that its been a month since it happened, I think that maybe I should start to let her see me hanging out with my friends in the hallway at school, just looking my best and being happy in general which is not really a lie as my mood has improved greatly and I have been making many improvements in my life. It sounds pretty fast to already be making these improvements but I'm very good at finding problems and pretty good at fixing them and I am a fast learner. I don't plan on talking to her or even letting her know that I notice her, I just want her to see me and my improvements and hopefully that should be an alternative to using a social network as Ryan suggest using to allow your ex to see your improvements without communicating with us. The only reason I need an alternative is because neither of us use any social networks that show statuses and what we have been up to. So any thoughts on this and my other comments?
As always, thanks Kevin, it's very much appreciated.
P.S. I've given much thought on why it is important to me to fix things with her and have decided that my reasons are clear and simple, #1 I know I make her happy, she would tell me and some of our mutual friends about it often, and would go into great detail as to how I made her feel and why I made her feel that way as well as the way it felt, and I enjoyed seeing and making her smile as it would make me happy. #2 The way she makes me feel, as if nothing else in the world mattered when she was in my arms or even just holding my hand. #3 No matter how bad a day was for either one of us, seeing the other smile would wash away the bad day and make it a new one, she told me that herself once. #4 I love her.
Hey Zach,
I think it's a good idea. And even though I don't think it's a very good reason to get back together (since what you are describing is just honeymoon stage of a relationship, and not things like compatibility, ability to resolve conflicts, future goals etc.), I think you should go ahead with the death's door plan. You are young, and if you want to pursue her, you should do it. Although, I'll recommend you set yourself a time limit. If things don't work out till then, you should move on.
I don't see my message. Sorry Kevin.
Q,
I can't find your message either. Can you post it again? Try to keep it short this time.
Hey Kevin, I need a tip
How do I know whether I'm in the friend zone, for example… We were in a short relationship, but he said we should be just friends. After 30days no contact, he contacted me (first) and now we communicate trough Facebook. He write me often first, but for now …all friendly.
We don’t talk about us
We live in different cities, so now we only communicate through Facebook, I’m thinking to suggest meeting soon, and act friendly.
But how do I know if I got in the friend zone? And if I am how do I stop it?
Thank you
Hey Martina,
It's hard to say if you are in friendzone from what you said. I think the easiest way to figure it out is when you meet him.
How?
When we met, it will be the first meeting after we break up, the relationship was not long nor defined.
We had a fight because I was hurt.
He is now again very close to me, but I believe that when we meet he will behave friendly as I do, how can I now if he really don’t feel anything more to me than friendship?
He is very unclear, and I don’t want to ask anything directly,I don’t want to look needy... :/
Don't just act friendly. Flirt with him and see how he reacts.
i have posted a comment but it hasnt appear yet
It takes time to moderate a comment before it can appear on the page. Your comment is here.
Jessica
Hello Kevin I Left A Message Yesterday But Never Got A Response Back.
It's here.
Kevin,
I was with my ex girlfriend for 3 years. I annoyed her to give me another chance when she break up with me, I showed her how miserable I am during break up because she is my first love, but after I read your article, I'm following your guide throughout the 30 days. But in between the 30 days of NC, she asked me for a lunch if I'm free. I replied with short and cool message telling her ''We'll see .'' After that she's not contact with me anymore. Now I have complete the 30 days of NC, I tried to text her, but she doesn't want to talk to me at all, with all the cool messages. Besides, she is posting pictures of her dating the guy who is always with her(SMS, fetch her to college, breakfast and dinner.) after break up with me.(previously I am the one who doing all that.) I've asked her is he her new boyfriend, she said no. My feeling is really upside down now, but still I'm acting like nothing and liked the picture that she is dating with the guy. I'm sorry for my bad English. Please guide me what to do next. Do I still have a chance to get her back?
Hey Jason,
Start no contact again. If she contacts you this time, tell her you need space and time and you'll contact her after a while.
Hi Kevin.
Just to update a bit. Yesterday I accidentally met her when I'm leaving college. That was very awkward and she didn't talk to me.(We just say "Hi'') But she definitely saw I've changed a lot physically. Later at night, she posted a few tweets on twitter saying that she actually still care about me although she acted like not.(she didn't mentioned anyone in the tweet.) should I respond?
No
This is awesome and all, but I really think that it's a bunch of stuff to just get an ebook sold. While there's nothing wrong with trying to get something out of helping others, I don't think it's correct to take advantage of people's vulnerabilities after a break-up. I would love for all this to work, but I guess I'm also a little skeptical about it.
And if someone has done this without buying the book then tell me, and it'll convince me that perhaps it could help.
Best wishes to all!
Hey Cindy,
Your skepticism is justified. But my intentions of creating this article and the email series is to give people who can not afford ebooks (and the internet is full of ebooks on getting your ex back) a step by step plan that can help them make sense of all the confusion. And yes, it has worked for many people. A lot of them didn't purchase anything. You can read the testimonials on this page.
Hi Kevin.
I'm in my early thirties and my ex gf is 26. We dated for 10 months, talked of marriage and were going to live together once I graduated grad school (this month).
Broke up nearly 8 months ago and was NC for a little over 6 months when I wrote her a hand written letter sharing my graduation accomplishment and acknowledging her positive impact on me.
She responded with a brief email, congratulating me, thanking me for the email and telling it made her smile and then wishing for me to enjoy my special day!
What do you think about my situation and how should I proceed from here?
I think it's worth trying. You should send her the text mentioned in the article.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend (at the time) called this Tuesday to say that he wanted to talk to me face to face and wanted to come and visit, and when I asked what was wrong he didn't want to go into detail. I finally got him to tell me what he needed to say. He told me that he still loves me and didn't want to have to do this, but that he felt that he had been holding me back and not being the best man that he could be to me. He went on to say that I am a beautiful person both inside and out, and had done all that he had asked of me and that it wasn't fair of him to keep neglecting me. We have known each other for 15 yrs now, and were high school sweethearts. In the past we have broken up several times, but that last one before recently was an ugly break-up. He has always wanted to mantain a friendship with me, and even tried for 6 yrs to get me back in a relationship with him. I think that it was hurts the most, knowing that he put 6 yrs into winning me back, to now give up. I know that he has been stressed and having a long distance relationship for a yr is very hard, but now that he is closer in distance to me, he has put all of his energy into his new job out of fear of not wanting to be fired again like he was on his previous job. I have stood by him through all of these things.
We talked for almost 2hrs, and he even got a little chocked up during the conversation, but agreed with most everything I said about him allowing his stress to get the best of him and why I felt the way I did after hearing that he was willing to walk away from our relationship. Needless to say when I told him that I couldn't sit back knowing how I feel for him and still be his friend he seemed shocked and disappointed, even though he said that he knew that it may be a chance that I wouldn't want to be friends. He is insisting that it is not because his desire to be with another female, but stricly that he doesn't have his life together and doesn't want me to be disappointed in him or hold me back from my goals. He never came to talk face to face, nor does he answer my calls now. He also will not come and get his TV from my apartment, despite how polite I have been in asking him to. All of my friends keep telling me that he is leaving it on purpose to have an excuse later on to call me, but that he is probably at a loss for words since he now knows I will not just sit back and quickly agree to a friendship.
I know you said that there should at least be a 30 day minimum of no contact on my part, but what am I to do if he randomly calls me about getting his TV. Do I just not answer at all, or do I send back a text reply that I just need space from him and will speak to him when I am ready to?
Both options are fine. If you decide to return his TV, keep the conversation short and to the point. Don't talk about anything personal.
Hey,
I've just moved on after my ex girlfriend left me. I met a girl who I dated for 1 month. We had a really good time together (also slept together a few times), then she suddenly wrote me on facebook saying that she likes being with me so much but her feelings are "all over the place" and she wanna be just "friends" for now. She also said that she cares about me so much and I'm amazing bla bla and doesn't wanna hurt me...
This was yesterday night. I just didn't even answer her, so a bit later she she wrote me like "great, now u hate me"... didn't answer again, just went to bed basically... so I automatically started some kind of "no contanct" after reading ur amazing article so many times, and think if a girl already confused after a month then just move on.
Should I write her back 1-2 days later or just leave it if she is gonna write me again? -and if she is not gonna write me any more then I should just move on? (we had really good time together but I think her ex just talked to her again...)
thanks for your answer mate...
Since you dated her for a short time, your chances are slim. I'll recommend you forget about her and move on.
Hi Kevin, I am 1.5 weeks away from a month of no contact. At this point, I am not even sure I want to get back with him because who wants to be with someone who doesn't automatically want to be with you? Anyway, I decided I will play it by ear and see how our connection is when we meet because maybe it has faded for me too. I think about the way things ended and his excuses, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth in terms of wanting to get back with him. Anyway, I still do want to meet up eventually and see what happens though. I wanted to ask about the letter that I will send when I am ready (may or may not extend no contact, depending on how I am doing with my own life). You mentioned to apologize for something that happened during/after the break-up. The thing is I don't have anything I want to apologize about. The only thing that happened was I felt angry when he broke up with me, but I am not one to lash out and so I didn't (we also had a very civilized relationship and never fought), and all I did was send him a text saying I was angry with him after he left and that was it. Then the next day, I sent him a kind but honest letter since I process things much better after the fact (which I was actually glad about because I would have felt bad to have left things off with just anger as I was very cold the last time I saw him). That led to him emailing me and an email exchange for about 2 or so emails, further processing things. I ended it with this and have remained with NC since:
Do I still have to include an apology if I don't actually feel apologetic about anything I did, or can this part be skipped? The only thing I can think of is to maybe apologize for not accepting the breakup at first.
No, don't include an apology.
Has anyone here gotten that Ryan Rivers Relationship Rewind thing and if so, what do you think, is it worth it?
Hey there Zach
I have got the relationship rewind modules and they are very informative and highlighted a lot of areas that I need to work on and where things began going wrong in my relationship. A lot of it comes down to communicating correctly. Ryan talks about the 4 stages that a relationship can go through and the signs of what stage you are in. No mistaking for majority of people on this website what stage we are at as most of us are currently going through a painful breakup. Ryan gives very specific advice with the intentions of helping you get back with your ex.
However his thoughts completely contradict what Kevin says. Ryan Rivers is completely against the 'no contact' rule, he believes that while no contact makes your ex miss you, it actually doesn't resolve any issue which can only be resolved by communication. to quote Ryan from his module number 2
"I am very against the whole ‘no contact’ thing. And the reason is, because although it may keep you from chasing, it communicates to your partner that you genuinely don’t care about fixing the relationship. It fixes nothing! To truly return to Bliss and remain there, your partner must at least feel that you understand the problem and will work together to prevent it from re-occurring. All no contact can really do is make someone miss you more. It really is just a short-term solution. Think about what will happen when the person starts seeing you again? He or she will no longer miss you and the slight, temporary boost of attraction will be gone. The REAL REASON will still sabotage your relationship."
I found this interesting as I heard about Ryan Rivers from the emails I was getting from Kevin. who is pro 'no contact'. As to whether it works or not, I let you know in 27 days :)
Thank you Steve I appreciate it.
I've always been the kind of person to confront problems head on the second I figure out what the problem is. The only reason I think I have been trying out the no contact rule thus far is because my ex had many other things in her life that were causing a great deal of stress on her and we really jumped into our relationship pretty fast after she broke up with her ex. I know that can make it seem like I was just a rebound but it wasn't and I know that for a fact because she often expressed she had strong feelings for me while she was still together with her ex boyfriend and so I know I was not just a rebound. I know what went wrong in my relationship and I think I will continue the no contact rule a little longer but not for the full thirty days. It has been 22 days since we had our fight but I tried to see her twice since then, the first time was ten days after the fight and then again a week later. I think my best coarse of action is to wait until next week and then let her just see me around but not talking to her, just trying to let her see me having a good time with friends and I believe that will remind her of all the things she liked about me and then perhaps use psychological triggers that will make her remember some of our best times together. And if she still doesn't make contact with me by herself then I will, but I believe my goal should be to repair our friendship before indicating to her I want to get back together. Once I've done that I can restart everything with her and win her heart all over again.
Hey Steve,
I actually agree with Ryan that no contact alone is not the solution. And I think his communications tactics are extremely useful. The reason I recommend no contact is because it can help you regain composure and work on the issues that actually lead to the breakup. The reason I recommend relationship rewind is because it can help you in understanding the issues and it is an excellent system for communicating with your ex and rebuilding attraction.
BTW, Ryan does recommend no contact if your relationship is in Death's Door.
Hey Kevin
Thanks for the reply on this. I have really been getting a lot out of your website and Ryans modules. They have been very helpful. The first two weeks after my Ex broke up with me, I was a complete mess, but your emails have helped put a plan in place and just having that has settled my mind. Even if I don't get back with her, I just feel so much better this last week since I've signed up to your daily emails and it has helped identify areas that I need to work on. Keep it up :)
I read the whole thing and didn't find it useful. A lot of it contradicts what Kevin says (which I think is much better advice), and some of it seems rather childish to me, and full of game playing. The only useful bit is the section on how to communicate through text to rebuild interest if you are in the "switch" stage. Otherwise, I did not find RW very good at all.
Hello Kevin My Name Is Jessica I'am 20 Years Old I Have Been With My Boyfriend For 8 Years Now I'am Currently Pregnant He Blocked My Calls Because I Cancelled His Credit Card But He Never Told Me That He Is Done What Do I Do I Don't Won't This Relationship To End I Believe He Like Someone Else
Hey Kevin so my ex has finally found someone new, i know it's most likely a rebound relationship like you say, but this ones different, well my ex is a girl and her new relationship is with a girl that she met online. I don't know what to make of it but do you think this is something I should be worried about since it's a same sex relationship or do you think this is just a cry for help on her part?
It's hard to say. Perhaps she is exploring her sexuality. Or perhaps it's a cry for help. It doesn't really change your strategy though. You should still follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
You previously replied me over here:
I'm currently a week away from reaching 1 month of 'no contact'. He still hasn't initiated any contact.
Just today, he invited all his/our friends for a gathering (end of the month) on an event page he created on facebook... everyone except me. We're friends on facebook but I definitely do not stalk him. I just happened to saw one of his friends attending the event on my newsfeed and I realized everyone I knew was on the invitation list but me. I'm not sure what to think of it. What do you think?
I'm past the weepy depressed phase since he left and have been getting along well with my life now, nonetheless, I still do feel a bit hurt by this.
It makes me want to contact him immediately to see if he'll still respond (because he was still rather warm and friendly before I proceeded with 'no contact'). I'll be honest and admit that part of me is afraid that he has moved on or grew cold after I not contacting him for nearly a month. Yet my brain tells me I'm only a week away from completing 1 month 'no contact', that I can wait till then and take things slow from there so as not to mess things up.
I'm not sure what to do. What do you think of this situation? Am I too focused on the little details to be seeing the bigger picture?
Thanks again.
Don't worry about that facebook event thing. It doesn't really mean anything and your mind is just trying to create panic out of nothing.
Hi Kevin, My ex birthday would be during the no contact rules can i just wish her happy birthday?
Yes, but keep it short.
After 4,5 year my boyfriend wants a break, he says he still loves me but when he is with me he gets in a bad mood. I am not making him happy..
Our lifes are very connected and its hard to get really no contact. But I've kind of arranged no contact since yest, when he called twice and i didnt answer and then msgd me about the dogs, saying thats all he wanted to tell me on the phone.
Today he called without caller ID (so i picked up) and he was seriousley angry that I didnt answer yest. He asked me why, because we were talking a lot yest morning but there he had told me he still wnated to continue the break. So i explained only quickly that after i made a fool out of myself yesterday trying to get back and he didnt want to, I am now trying to get my head straight and hence try avoid contact.
On the other hand one of the reasons for break up, is that he says i don't show i love him, i don't care about him and I am always playing the cool one.
Even though I can feel he is going on and on about my bad sides when we speak, no contact at all wont make him think even more I don't love and care about him?
I am still on no contact except for that time he tricked me into answering the phone..
Hey Nin,
Let him know before starting no contact that you need space and time to deal with the breakup.
Hi Kevin,
We are a les couple. She is 26 and I'm 27. I and my gf recently broke up as we always had lots of disagreement and always quarrel. We are in a long distance relationship. I'm from Singapore and she is from Bangkok. But I make it a point to visit her monthly.
We broke up after a year during March. During our meeting, we quarrel and it ended pretty bad. I destroy all the things in her house which I bought and taking away all those important data of her work and wiping off everything from her computer. It's been 1.5 months but we still contact and keep quarreling. I keep asking for a chance to be together again. But she just refused.
Previously I bombarded her with text, email and letters. I think she find it annoying. I was tired of all those argument. So I decided not to contact her. But after 2 days she reply me saying she miss me and don't know why.
So I call her and ask she say she miss me, wana care for me, still love me. But she doesn't wana get back with me! She said she wana stay alone. So I do not know what she want. Sometime I receive messages from her saying she hate me for destroying her life blah blah blah... Blame me for everything. She just can't forget the past. A few days back she told me if she's free she will meet me, after a few days past she told me she doesn't wana see me again forever because her data is with me and she can't do her work which resulted her boss had scold her. But in the first place she did not ask me to send her the data back, only some school work.
She is in some financial difficulties, I still send money to her despite she say she do not need my help. I really hope one day I could get back to her.
Please advise! I'm really lost in life. She made a lot of promises to me and did a lot of things for me. I know saying sorry does not help now. But I'm working hard to be a better person.
Thanks.
Hey May,
You should follow the plan and work on your issues during no contact. You need to learn to be able to handle disagreements without turning into a fight.
Hi Kevin.
Please help me.
My story goes like this: I was with my girlfriend for 4 years.We didn't have any fights, we understand each other, we were very supportive, but she broke up with me.She said that she had lost emotions and she looks me like a friend, also she liked some other guy, but she didn't cheated on me.She said that she realized that she will regret for sure, because I am perfect, I was so kind and good for her.I want her back, what should I do?
Follow the advice in the article.
Also, has this plan ever failed for anyone? I think my situation differs because we've already broken up three times. Plus, he threatened to call the cops.
Like I said in the beginning of the article, it doesn't work 100% of the time.
Hey Kevin,
Just a quick update, I asked her out for drinks "Just to chill with someone." She said that's chill with her and we're going tomorrow night. I know from your emails to just be myself and be confident which I am. As I said the last time we went out about 1 month ago, I kissed her and held her close which caused emotions for me and she said for her too. So my question is, at the end of the meeting, is it OK that I hug her or should I just keep everything vocally? I think when i kissed her last time, it made me look needy and clingy but maybe it wasn't.
I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. I'll just be myself and take everything slowly and not bring up anything from the past.
Well she canceled out on me saying she is just too busy at work and isn't getting much sleep. I do believe she's telling the truth so I told her I was annoyed but understood. She said she swears we'll meet up one day when she can get sleep and she is really sorry and hopes I'm not mad. I responded with saying "I understand, just let me know and don't be a stranger lol."
I also purchased Relationship Rewind and from what I can tell, I think I'm at the Death's Door stage. I don't think she's indifferent to me yet but she isn't really pursuing me but she isn't ignoring me either. So would you recommend the steps in Deaths Door and pursue the "False Friendship" to open up communication more?
Yes.
Hey Chris,
I think you should go with the flow. Don't think ahead whether or not you should kiss her. If the timing seems right, go ahead. I think it's OK to hug her.
Thanks for your replies, I think I'll just text her every few days or so and since she did say she "swears we'll go out one day" i'll take it for granted and let her make the move instead of me forcing her out.
I think when I do force it, it puts walls up on her. I'll follow what both your guide and Relationship Rewind says and see how it goes from there. I'll just be friendly and try to communicate more with her with texting. Thanks again Kevin and you do a wonderful job helping other people out there like me. I'm sure I'll post again but your emails and encouragement have helped me find happiness =).
Hi Kevin,
I left you a message last night, I am eager to get a reply. I know it was a long winded message but I felt like I needed to fill you in with the history. As you can imagine it took me a long time to write my thoughts, could you reply to me by email, if you are unable to publish my comment. I did try to copy what I wrote but unfortunately I was experiencing difficulty copying. It would be greatly appreciated, if you could forward me a copy of my comment so I can have it on record. Truly need your help!!! Thanking you
Hey,
I've replied to your comment here.
Hello,
I'm from Belgium and broke up with my ex 1 months ago! (We was five months together) the reason of the break up is that I was to jealous and possessive, she couldn't breath anymore ! It was a distance relationship (reason of my jealousy) but we use to see each other a lot and we was crazy in love ! She texted me sometime after our break up and I use to replied to her ! I sent the last message and she was abit cold for what I don't know :s ! than now I don't have any news since 2 weeks and heard that her feelings wasn't the same for me but that she know that I'm an amazing boy just to jealous and possessive and that she don't trust me when I told her I would change because it wasn't the first time !
What should I do ?
She is in Switzerland until November :s and I'm scare she find someone else because there's a lot of boy around her !!! I want her back !!!
Sorry for my bad English
Hi kevin,
We talked for 30 min at the phone. Tomorrow she comes to my house to see our cat. Then we will go for coffee, maybe icecream. Its a 3 hour window more or less. If you read this in time, how should I behave. Should I be flirty? Talk to her as if i'm discovering her for the first time. I dont plan on asking her about us. Should I look out for signs?
Thank you kevin
Hi Kevin,
I need some advice, I'm at at loss as to how to proceed.
My ex boyfriend of a year & a half broke up with me about 7 weeks ago (I'm 26 and he's 28). While teary eyed he said he loved me and this was the hardest decision he ever had to make but when asked if we're getting married, sometimes he sees it and sometimes he can't, says he has a gut feeling sometimes that something isn't right. I had a lot of personal stuff going on our last couple months that had me pulling away from him so I think this took a toll on our relationship. I did NC for 28 days, had a positive text response on Easter and have now been back in NC since. I have been seeing a relationship therapist and she wants me to write a handwritten letter outlining the things I liked about him & our relationship, the things I didn't like about him & our relationship, what I do & don't want from a future relationship & lastly the things I learned from our relationship and mail it to him within this week. How do you feel about this? Would you think this would hurt or help my chances of getting him back? Should I send the letter and then follow-up with the text messages? Please help! I don't want to make a disastrous mistake. Thank you.
So there has been some progression in my situation. My home was threatened by some fires this week and it prompted my ex boyfriend to initiate for the first time in 8 weeks. Below is how the conversation went:
Him (Wed 6:00pm) – Hey, I know there is the fire in [my town] and they closed your road. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok. If you need anything please let me know.
Me (Wed 10:05pm) – I’m ok. Thank you.
Me (Thurs 7:13pm) – I really appreciate you checking on me. It means a lot. Yesterday was really scary and stressful but everything is fine now. I’m available if you want to call.
Him (Thurs 7:25pm) – Good I’m glad to hear it. Yea just sounded like it hit pretty close to you so I was definitely thinking of ya. It’s been pretty crazy at work this week with all the fires.
And I didn't respond after that.
I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to proceed or any input on what you think this all means? Is he just doing this because he is a genuinely nice guy or because he still has feelings for me?? A third party input would be great! Please help! Thank you.
That's not a sign that he is interested in you. The reason could be either. But you should contact him again after a week or two.
Hey Brenda,
I think the letter will help you understand yourself better and it might make you realize what you want from your life and your relationship. Instead of writing a letter to him, I'll recommend you first write the letter just for yourself.
As for sending him the letter, if you want to get him back, it's not a good idea to send him the letter, in my opinion. It might scare him off and make him put his defenses back up. It might be a good idea to give him the letter once you've already gotten back together or are on the verge of reconciliation.
Kevin,
I had a question regarding the letter and ending no-contact. Can sending the letter too soon even say after 30 Days be a bad thing? I am working on bettering myself, getting in the gym, eating right feeling great but I am going to be getting my real estate license soon. All my friends tell me when something positive happens let her know. Im just afraid that just getting the real estate license won't be enough. Maybe selling a house with my license will be better? I know every situation is different. We dated for 4.5 to 5 months. And when we broke up we left it on good terms saying that we want to better ourselves to be better together. The no contact rule has really helped I feel, I have those natural instincts that she is going to forget about me but I am just staying positive and telling myself everyday she is thinking of me just like I am thinking of her. Maybe a little less than I think of her but she still thinks about me. Your e-mails are really helpful also and I am looking forward to the 10th one. They really help everyday! I didn't receive one yesterday though and it was tough so I just went back and read the article.
Hey Bob,
I think 30 days is enough to send the letter. You don't have to mention the news in the letter. Just tell her there has been some exciting development and if she is curious, she will get in touch with you to ask about it. If she doesn't, then you can wait another two weeks or a month to contact her again.
Hi Kevin,
I could use a little advice here. I met this girl around mid march and we immediately seemed to hit it off. She is beautiful. Our personalities seemed to click very well. She is easy going and personable. Pretty much everything I've ever wanted in a girl. I had high hopes and definitely could see a future. The only downside is that she lives 3 hours away.
Fast forward about 6 weeks. We had jumped into an intimate relationship. Talking and texting everyday. We had talked a few times about how she still had some feelings for her ex that she hadn't been with in 2 years. She also told me that at times she was sexually and emotionally attracted to me and at times she wasn't. Then in the last week she started to pull away in her contact. So I would wait for her to contact me everyday which she always did, but I still knew something seemed off. Then she hits me with the whole it's obviously not working thing. Tells me that she isn't emotionally or sexually attracted to me and it's "just not there." Even though at times she said it was...but that she still cared about me...
So I started no contact right away. She texted me 2 days later to say I hope you are doing OK to which I didn't reply. That was 5 days ago.
So I'm a week into no contact, my question is do you think there is a chance of salvage given what she told me? I mean we were pretty much brutally honest with each other the entire time we were together.
My thinking is that she is only 22 and doesn't really know what she wants and I probably moved too fast for her and it scared her and put a lot of pressure on her.
Can this be saved?
Hey,
If your relationship was short (less than 2 months), then your chances are slim. You can still try getting her back with the plan, but I'll recommend you don't waste too much time pursuing her as your chances are slim.
Dear Kevin,
I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of nearing 2 years. Her reason for breaking up was mainly because of religion. I wasnt a Christian as she wanted me to be. Which kinda caused her feelings to fade as well. She initiated it at the end of march, which is nearing the period of both of our exams period. During this period of time, i have texted her numerously times as i thought she would be needing someone to talk to if she is feeling stressed out. But she only replied me in the morning and at night, only just twice a day. I have stopped texting her since. What should my next move be? She will be going overseas for 6months in July. I wont be able to see her as much as i wanted to. And she told me she doesnt like to text people, she bonds with people face-to-face.
I have also heard from my friends that she said she is happier without me, she has much more freedom now.
Hey Nick,
If she is going in July and you have already broken up, then your chances of getting back together before that or even while she is away are slim. I'll recommend you apply no contact until she comes back and get back in touch with her then.
So I think I made all the mistakes on the list, but then we've only been broken up 2 days so I guess I might be forgiven.
SO i would try the 5 steps, but I still have to arrange some things with him, like half my stuff is at his place, Dogs to take care of etc. Do I start the no contact and ignore the stuff andlet him figure I'm not coming to feed the dogs etc? Or shall I arrange things quickly and then start no contact?
Let him know you need space and time and you won't be able to feed the dogs for a while. Then start no contact.
Hi Kevin,
I have a very complicated situation, I am a 49 years old successful women. When I was 21 I was very close with a friend we had a couple of one night stands but nothing came from those nights, I was truly in love with him he was the love of my life, he knew how I felt about him. During the time that we were friends he had 2 partners, when he began dating his partners it truly broke my heart. I treasured his friendship and we remained friends and I became friends with his partners even though it hurt me seeing them together.
I supported him through some hard times emotionally and financially. My thoughts were I would rather have him in my life as a friend then not at all. We remained friends and kept in contact for many years after. I was very close with his family members especially his siblings and they were all a big part of my life, they were my family. The time came that I needed to move on and we became distant and I married my husband even though my feelings for him had never changed and were so strong. I still carried his precious photo close to my heart and in my wallet.
In July 2010, 27 years later he returned into my life through Facebook, we rang daily and organised to meet up in December, it was destiny. At the time I was still with my husband but our relationship was on the rocks, we decided to meet up for the weekend. He lived in another state but he was in the process of moving to another state after a violent, aggressive relationship breakdown. We spent a lovely weekend together, enjoying each others company and to see how we felt about each other.
Over the weekend we had long discussions regarding our relationship. I did make it clear to him that I did not want to get involved with him if it was going to be a one sided relationship as it was in the past. He needed to be sure that he truly wanted to pursue a relationship with me, as after 27 years not being in my life I would of settled for friendship. As his friendship was equally important and greatly valued. He re-assured me that he truly wanted to be with me. At the time I had a 16 year old son and a 11 year old daughter. Who became very attached to him and I did not want to upheaval their lives if he wasn't certain that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I separated from my husband, we began our relationship and we were happy, his family could see that he was happy, which he hadn't been for a long time.
He was very affectionate, loving and caring, told me he loved me, after all he was the love of my life, I did hold him close to my heart for over 27 years. He returned to his state to commence packing and preparing to move north and we were to be together. When he returned to commence his preparation for his big move, he was getting harassed and receiving many texts from his former partner. He had placed a lot of money into her property and he began to be obsessed with getting his money back. He found it hard to find work due to injuries and had limited employment so therefore I supported him and helped him financially as I have a rewarding career I am the director of a national company. He began travelling to the north, while travelling he became very distant and occupied with the issues that he was experiencing with his former partner especially the money that he was entitled to. Due to his former partner's violence and her mental health, he became concerned about our welfare and the danger that we maybe in if she found out about our plans.
I do believe that he loved me as he came across sincere and I could see it in his eyes, it came from his heart and we did have a history and it would be very difficult to convince his family otherwise. He re-assured me that we will be together but the reality was it was going to take a long time as he needed to tread carefully. He did move interstate and I would travel there regularly with my daughter, slowly he was starting to become distant. I continued to support him, he became quiet, spending more time in his room on his computer researching. It became an obsession and his life revolved around finding ways how he could obtain his money from his former partner. I travelled overseas and when I was away he messaged me that we were so different and he decided that he would give his former partner another chance.
That was 2011 and until this day I truly don't know what was the truth, if he was all along with his former partner or if the whole relationship was a cruel game or if he truly loved me. I am going to believe in my heart that he did love me as I could not imagine that he would do something so cruel to someone that truly loved him with their whole heart.The history together had to mean something, my gut feeling is that he felt that he had nothing to offer me and it was a lot easier for him to be with his former partner that had no goals or ambitions and they could live a simple life and he felt she needed him more or was there another motive such as obtaining the money that he was owed.
I have to believe that he did care for me but the timing was not right. I have had no contact with him since 2011 but not one day goes past not knowing what was the purpose of him returning into my life, we were together for 12 months. Since the break up I have succeeded in many ways with my career, fitness and trying my best to be happy and have positive outlook on life. I have seen him at the local, with his partner but he has not acknowledged us. I truly do love him and he will be in my thoughts and my heart forever. I do want to make contact him as I need something, even if it is just closure or find out once and for all if it was meant to be. I was thinking maybe a quick hello and forward him a copy of an old photo I have recently located of him fishing from many years ago as that is his passion. What are your thoughts. Thank you for your time
Hey Gayla,
I think you've been obsessing over him for too long and if contacting him has a possibility of getting closure, then you should definitely do so.
Thanks very much in advance Kevin...I broke up with my gf today and the first thing I did was to search online for a solution to my problem...I'm pretty sure that all of the guys on this website are going through what I'm going and that your 5 step plan is going to make me and them very happy :)
Thanks for the comment Mr. Awesome.
Hi Kevin
Thank you very much for tips. I must say my heart is broken into pieces my boyfriend told me last week he does not love me anymore he just cares for me he says he just have a little bit of love left. He only sends me me one message in the morning and evening everyday it is the same messages we used to chat about so many things and now there is nothing left to say. We don't stay together but recently when we are together he is so rude to me and gives me the cold shoulder he barely touches me or likes affection from me I don't know how this all started all I want is answers from him what he is not giving me any. Most of the time he tells me he is tired when I make the effort to send him a message but he is all the time lately on twitter and facebook he is not tired when it comes to social networking. All this is driving me insane not knowing what is going on I can barely sleep, focus and continue my daily life. I love him so much but I feel so helpless. Do you think he might have an affair if he is on the social networking all the times?
Hey,
I can't say if he is having an affair or if he just lost attraction. But you should stop trying to hold on to him. Don't apply no contact, but stop being needy and start concentrating on yourself more.
Hi Kevin,
I'm back with another issue. My ex and I have been broken up for the past 6 months now. To recap we have a 9mth old together who he comes to see every week. However it seems that every time we are on a good/cordial path, he tends to say or do things to make us cold towards each other. For example, I am quiet by nature which is the way he met me. When last saw each other which was this past weekend everything was pleasant and than he tells me how annoying I am since I'm quiet. Than he told me how I act like I'm better than everyone. It's almost like he does not want us to be nice to each other or he sees me happy and tries to make me mad of upset. Then a day later he acts as if nothing happened and wonders why I'm annoyed or have an attitude with him. Do not ask me why I still have feeling for him but I was wondering if you think there is a chance we could get back together? He used to flirt with me all the time and we used to have conversation but now we barely speak at all. I'm losing hope that he even still has any feelings for me. He seems to have moved in with his life and I'm still stuck in love with someone who seems not to want me. Also for the past couple of months we don't speak about anything other than our baby. Please give me any type of advice if you can.
Hey Jessica,
If you have not spoken about anything other than the baby in the past two months, it's time to start talking to him again and try to build attraction.
Alright, this one is for everyone here. I think we can all agree this guy Kevin here, is a pretty fucking awesome guy. And I would just like to say to him, I really appreciate what your doing here and I'm sure everyone else does too, so thanks man. I tip my hat to you bro.
I agree, kevin you are the man!!! Thanks for all you help dude, you are reaching and helping a lot of people around the world.
Kudos to him for his articles which made it crystal clear to me about where things went wrong for me and what were my deadly mistakes! I read his advises for others too. Some of them were/are my questions too. They even helped me evaluate my past relationships too! Appreciate them all Kevin!!
I agree! I learnt so much from Kevin about relationships in general... his articals are great and so are his pieces of advice and his e-mails. Thanks Kevin! :D
I think Kevin should make some kind of app to download onto phones and that way he could help even more people around the world.
Thanks Zach, Condit, Dara, and Sarah. You guys made my day. :)
Hey Kevin,
Do have any statistical data on impact of NC on gender? I mean, does it work better on women or on men? When I told a friend for the first time that I am in trouble with my gf, he said "ignore her and she will come back". Apparently, this is the stereotype of women (maybe). Is there any data evidence.
Thank you,
Dara
Hey,
I don't have any statistical data. To get it, I'll have to go through thousands of emails and make a spreadsheet. But in my experience, the effectiveness is the same with both genders.
Appreciate it Kev!! Thanks! :)
Hi Kevin,
I am Gay and not for sure if you give advice to gay women. I met a young lady that is a few years younger than me. we have been together with no titles for 8 months, but had access to each other homes and lives. We made plans to be together even get married. However I had severe insecurities that caused us to break. We went a week and a half without speaking to each other. I started going back going to her house a week and she at my house for a week. she was still coming around spending time with me and telling me she loved me. I went to counseling and have gotten better. My counselor has released me for my issues. I actually wanted to change and let go of my past. Now she is seeing someone else, deleted me off her social network and wont even speak to me. I still love her and want her back. I learned so much from her, she was inspiration to want more and be more. I have everything a house, car, a degree, a great son and a great job. I just wanted someone to share my life with. She is spending a lot of time with this other woman. Not for sure what I should I do we have not spoken to each other since last Tuesday. we got in a big argument last Monday, came and got her other belongings last Tuesday. I want her back in my life. some of her friends are my friends now. they feel that it might still be some hope and then other times they feel I should walk away. what should I do I have professed my love but that did not work. I am doing your step program. but after what I told you if you feel I should walk please tell me. If you do not respond to people like me just say no comment.
thanks,
T
Hey T,
I think you should at least try the steps once. If it doesn't work, then you can be sure it'll not work and move on.
I spoke to her and we are suppose to get together and have a face to face. I know it has only been two weeks. I called her, she answered, and she agreed to meet me. She said that she would be available on a certain date and she will call and confirm if that date does not work. If she says that date and time will not work. Then I will let it be until a few more months. Her friends and two of my friends feel that she is young and not ready for anything serious. Should I meet with her or wait?
A face to face is more of a serious talk thing. This is not the same as the meeting I mention in the plan. I'll recommend you meet her. If things don't work out, start the plan all over again.
Hi Kevin,
First of all, thank you for writing these articles, they are a huge help when things are feeling extremely bleak and hopeless.
So here is a synopsis of my situation: My ex broke up with me after 3.5 years together. He is 22 and I'm 26. There are two roots of our break-up, one of which is that I have been struggling with my own issues for over a year and have never been strong enough to address them, and the other is the fact that he hates communicating if he believes it will lead to any sort of disagreement, uncomfortable situation, arguing, etc. While our break-up was out of the blue to me and I was completely devastated, I decided to take it at face value. We have been apart for two months now and I have not contacted him once during this whole time, nor has he reached out to me. We accidentally ran into each other two weeks after we broke up, and he texted me later that day saying while he has no intention of staying away from me forever, he needed more time before we could speak, but that has been our only interaction since the break-up.
I've been focusing on myself and finally addressing these lingering issues in my own life. I've been doing everything in my power to become the strong and confident version of myself that I know and love and it has honestly been working. I'm by no means over him or our break-up, but I am realizing that I truly believe separation was necessary for me to make these changes. That said, I still want him. The bottom line is that we connected on a level that I have never found before. I'm not quite ready to make contact with him yet, but I know it's already been two months. Is there any harm in continuing my silence until I am feeling more confident? From what I've told you, do you have any insight into the possibility of a future together?
You should continue no contact till the time you feel it's necessary. Yes, I do think there is a good possibility of you two getting back together.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote yesterday but I can't find my message or the answer to it either.
It's here.
Hi again Kevin,
Thank you so much for replying to my previous post. I have one more question :
I'll have two chance to go to her city, first one is on 23rd of June, and the 2nd one is on 4th of July
I'll go back to my city on 6th of July in both case
On which date do you suggest I go there?
If I go on 23rd, I'll have around 10 days to meet her, but on those 10 days, my only objective is meeting her. If she doesn't want to meet me, then I'm screwed and have nothing to do until 5th of July (which is the date of the event I'm going to go to)
But if I go on 4th, I'll only have one day to meet her, and if she can't or doesn't want to meet me on that day, then I'll lose my chance, because it is very rare for me to be able to go to her city (because of college)
I'm thinking of asking her two weeks before I go there, like you told me, but the problem is I have to reserve the plane (for a round trip) next week, because usually the flight is fully booked 2 weeks before the departure date (because of high season)
However, if she does want to be with me again when I'm there, I probably will trash the ticket and go back to my city a month later (June-July is my college holiday)
I thought she'll want to meet me, because she said so after we just broke up, but now I'm not so sure..
What do you think, Kevin?
Kevin,
I'm thinking of sending some IM telling her that I'll be in her city next month (last time, I only told her that I have the opportunity to go there, but didn't really say that I'll be going; she didn't respond though)
Should I do it? I'm just afraid of her moving on from me. I don't know if this guy is a rebound or not, but even if he is, I'm pretty sure that she won't break him up that easily, even if they doesn't make a great couple. Because when she was with her previous ex, they didn't really match each other, but she just convinced herself that they are. I think it's because she was afraid of me betraying her trust again (I did it in the past). We made up in the end, but I hurt her again this time, which means I betrayed her trust for the 3rd time..
The day after tomorrow will be their 1st month together, it just worries me every passing day. After all, he seems good looking and looks like a nice guy.
What should I do here, Kevin? Do you really think that it is possible for her to believe me again? I feel that something changed inside me after she broke up with me though, and I believe that the me right now won't betray her again, but I'm not sure how to prove it..
It's quite the irony, because right after we break up, two big chances to meet her show up. Not to mention that next semester I won't be as busy and can meet her many times..
Ah yes, I forgot to mention that I am her first love. I should also mention that she thinks I'm perfect in many ways, like being able to go to a good college and having a good grade, pretty fluent at English (English is not our first language), good looking (in her opinion), having a great family with a stable economy, having many hobbies / activities, etc. (I apologize if this looks like I'm boasting, I didn't mean to, I swear :| )
Does this adds up to my chances?
I apologize if I ask too many questions here, Kevin. I'm just.. afraid.
Hey Andre,
A rebound is different from a bad relationship in many ways. The main reason rebounds don't work is because you are not over your ex and you can't fully commit emotionally to someone unless you are over your ex.
I think you should tell her a week before going. Telling her right now is not going to have any extra advantage than telling her a week before.
Hey Kevin, thank you very much for replying.
Unfortunately, I was too late to read this :(
I sent an IM to her already. I asked how she's doing, and I told her that I'll be going to her city next month or the month after the next.
This time, she did reply, but she replied by asking something that doesn't relate to anything that I asked. I answered her though, and then she didn't reply again.
Then I asked her once again if she wants to meet, and she still doesn't reply.
It was stupid of me to not check for your reply first, but what's done is done..
Can you please suggest what next step should I take from here on?
Hey Andre,
I guess you should still continue with the same strategy. But now there's a risk when you contact her, she might suspect that you have an ulterior motive of meeting her, and she might put her walls up.
I'll say you book the tickets for 4th of July. If she wants to meet you, one day will be enough. If she doesn't want to meet you, 10 days won't mean anything.
Thank you, Kevin. I'll do that.
But I'm thinking of telling her that I'll be going to her city this week. Should I do that, or should I stick to what you said and tell her 2 weeks before I go there? I'm just afraid that she may has plans on that date. And I think she wants to get serious with her current boyfriend as well, so maybe if I tell her, she'll rethink about all of this.
But then again, I think she still doesn't want to talk to me, because yesterday she posted an image on her IM which says : "being someone's first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect". I feel that this may be directed to me, because we're each other's first love.
If she wants to get serious with her boyfriend, you telling her right now is not going to make a difference. Also, whenever you want to tell her, you should try to slip it in a conversation, instead of telling her "Hey, I'll be coming to your city on this date. Hope we can meet." This puts pressure on her and it makes it quite obvious that you want to meet in hopes of getting back together.
The idea is to first get back in talking terms with her and establish friendship. If she is warm, then you can slip it in the conversation that you are going to visit the city next week or so. Then when you visit her city, tell her you are in town and ask her to meet up.
Hi Kevin,
Ok so you did read it the first time, I was just hoping for something more specific to my situation because it's not the usual. That's why I told you about everything, but if you think that the normal process will be successful then ok. I was also hoping for your thoughts on it. But one last thing is she doesn't ever check her email unless you ask her to so I think that's not an option. Thanks Kevin I appreciate it.
You can send a facebook message instead of an email.
Okay wow, um..... hmm well here is the thing and I'm trying not to be difficult here but she doesn't have a facebook account on the fact that she hates how everyone uses it to tell everyone exactly what they are doing 24/7 and I have always agreed. I suppose I can stick to the plan and write a letter and just hope that her parents aren't so invasive of her privacy as to open her mail but who knows with them, It's really 50/50 when it comes to her father.
Sir,
I know i have written very long, but
i will be highly obiliged to you. please go through my story,
and suggest me something.
i have a question, my case is something different actually, according to me!
i think my girlfriend was in a rebound relationship with me.
she had a breakup with her boyfriend in august mid, she did'nt talk to
him for 2/3 months.
and later on 2 november'13 she went in a relationship with
me.Everything went good.
but later on her ex came back on 1Jan'14.
her ex did not knew about me, but she told me earlier that her ex
knows about me.
and she cheated on us, she used to talk to both (me and ex) but we
both never knew. she wanted to talk to her ex but also she did'nt
wanted to hurt me as said by her,to me.
i caught her twice or thrice with her cellphone call log in jan. &
feb.'14 and but she always had an axcuse,she said she talked to him
just as a friend. and i was new to know all this things so i did not
focused more.
but when the water raised above my head i asked her to either choose
me to talk or your ex. she replied that she would talk to him but
didn't say that she won't talk to me.
but i was on to one decision so we broke up on 3 march'14. and she
again started talking to ex (not me, her ex).
And one reason is also there that i m very possesive type of guy, i
restricted her from doing things, my anger, and also there are some
negative point in me, which are the reason for break up.
time started passing..
then we started taking as a friend. i always said to her that, you did
nothing right to me and blah..blah..
so mean while she talked to her ex and me too, but her ex didnt knew
anything about the same.
A day came 9 april'14 timing 3:15 am when
we were on phone talking, her boyfriend called and a busy tone made
him mad, my call was disconnected as he is always prefered more than
me. They had a serious fight, he said him many things and left saying
that he would not call again.
That day morning was quiet happy for me, we both went into a
relationship once again.
everything went good once till 2nd may'14.
we met that day..but later on in evening we had a good fight..
reason:: she had to go to watch a movie with her male and female
friends which are in common friend with me and it was just hinted to
me, she had said that it was not a confirm plan. but when she was
spending time with me, one of his friend called asking her to come. then i asked
her to wait for some more time with me, but no she refused saying that
she also had to take some photocopies from her friend, so i dropped
her to her friend saying that call me when you get free i will be
waiting out there outside in a cybercafe..
an hour passed,
then i ringed her up, no response, i ringed, i ringed, i
ringed..ringed about 25-30 times,
i got confirmed that she went for the movie,
then i messeged her something, no response, i ringed one of my friend
but he refused saying that she was not with him because he was asked
to said that (my friend told me later).
i lastly messege her dat if u dont receive my call now everything is
over between us. Again ther was no response.
Then i decided to go the threater where they went, i messeged "are you coming out of threater or should i come inside. No response again.
i ringed again she confirmed that if i was really there. then she came out.
here the problem started, i was very-very angry, and then i shouted on
her very badly, that to publically. We had breakup that very time i
said its all over now. but i did not wanted to, it was all my anger
which made me do this.
NOW SHE IS HURT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW ?
PLEASE HELP ME.
I m pleasing her everyday from that very day (2nd may). but she is not
forgiving me for my mistake.
Instead she is asking me to move on, and saying that she has moved on
so i should also do the same.
she is also saying that i m forgiving you for everything. but she is also
saying that now there is no chance for our relationship at any cost.
but i still love her :(
suggest me whats correct measure for me to take right now.
how should i handle everything.
Anything that leads to start my relationship once again..?
"""how should i convience her"""???
3 weeks ago my bf of 6 months broke up with me. His reason for breaking up with me was that he needed space to focus on his recovery and strengthen his relationship with God before he can put his all in a relationship (he's a year clean and goes to NA meetings every night). He told me that I'm everything he has ever wanted in a girl and I'm such an amazing person and why we're breaking up has nothing to do with me. I'm left feeling hurt and confused because if I'm everything he ever wanted why would he break up with me? I've done everything to support his recovery and I truly do believe that it takes a special person who has never been an addict to accept and support someone else's recovery
What should I do?
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years. First we were long distance for 18 months seeing each other once a week which was fine as we enjoyed our independence and valued the time we had together more.
Then we backpacked Asia for 5 months after that. Everyone said that would be the 'test' but in fact we grew closer and even bought wedding rings whilst we were away. We had not got engaged yet but intended to be married in a year or two. This was a mutual decision.
It wasn't until we came to Australia, got jobs and actually moved in together before the cracks started to show.
We had always enjoyed our independence but because we had no friends and were no longer travelling and experiencing fun, new things I think we became dependant on each other for company and happiness.
I felt like he drifted away from me and the more I tried to get his attention the more I became needy. The major flaw was that we had lost ourselves in the relationship and the more distant he became with me (he was trying to find himself again) the more hurt I became because I didn't feel as though he was supporting me emotionally. I now see that we were both suffering from homesickness.
I felt trapped and hurt and in a bid to 'scare' him into supporting me I foolishly acted on impulse (as I tend to do) and broke up with him. This hurt him more deeply then I imagined. So deeply that when I sat down and thought 'actually this is not what I want, I want to work on this relationship' it's was too late. My boyfriend is very black and white. Once you've hurt him deeply there is no going back. So he didn't want to get back together.
I was heartbroken so decided to leave town as I couldn't face staying there with him still there. I went and travelled with a friend on the East coast where I still am.
It has been 8 weeks since I left. We have had minimal contact but mainly concerning our car which we own together and are trying to sell. I sent him a text 2 weeks ago apologising and expressed a desire to work through things and this was his reply...
'Thanks Jess, I'm happy for you that you're finding yourself again. It was both of us causing the circle of doom that overwhelmed us so I am sorry too. Right now I'm enjoying being alone and discovering a lot about myself and growing as a person. I think we have both learned a lot already but will always have more to learn and that's what they call life I guess. I hope you're well and taking care of yourself. You will always be in my heart. The memories we have made are amazing and nothing will ever take that away x'
To me that seems vague. He had always been hard to read. I replied with a kind thank you. Since then I have began the 'no contact' rule and intend to follow through with it for at least a month.
My question is this. We both fly back to England together for a visit on July 11th in 8 weeks time (we booked the flight when we were together). Should I contact him before then or just wait until I see him on the plane? And do you have any advice on how I should act with him? Casual? Not bothered? Loving?
Since the breakup I have been on a journey of self discovery. Although I regret breaking up with him I feel this has happened for a reason and I have a lot to learn from it. I have made so many changes in myself already and continue to grow stronger as a person but my feelings for him do not die. This is why I feel that I want him in my life still. It was our situation that broke us up not that we didn't love each other anymore.
I know what I want and I truly believe that it can work again if we both work on ourselves. I just don't know what to do from here. I feel like waiting to see if he contacts me and if he doesn't then I won't contact him until I see him on the plane.
I think he feels like he thinks hes in control because I was the one that broke up with him and now I want him back. Maybe I should act like I don't want him back?
I would really appreciate your advice as I just don't know where to go from here in terms of our relationship. I know what to do with myself. I have been working on me not for him but for myself.
Kind regards,
Jess
Since you both will be meeting during the flight, I think you it'll be OK if you apply no contact till that time. However, even if you decide to contact him before that, it'll still be OK. Either ways, you shouldn't talk about getting back together or working things out. You should let it be his idea.
Hello Kevin.
I will try to make my own story short, My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 2 years. In this time we had rough times as we met in a foreign country, so we have had to deal with distance over and over again. Also, in the worst period of this time she broke up with me, because of all the problems that distance carries with. So I did apply the no contact rule and some other teqniches. It worked wonders, and she even came to my country, she was the one who wanted me back and wanted me to go to her country and start something serious for my life and us together. However, nothing is so easy and we had again to deal with distance for 7 months. We couldn't cope with it, and she broke up with me, she didn't break up for lack of love, was because of the fights and distance. So, I applied 5 weeks no contact. Then I contacted her. She seemed really angry and confuse. I tried to do things as smoothly as possible, just saying I wanted to talk and maybe be friends. Things started to get better and after a couple of months she got to even cry, tell me she misses me, she still likes me, she wants to see what happens in the future (but she can't promise anything); also to text back and forward... But, something personal happened and I "disappeared" for 2 weeks. That was a month ago. And since then, she seems again cold an distant, even though we skype we had a good time, but as soon as she touches what went wrong in the past, she cried and then... tells me that she has no hopes or feelings whatsover, that nothing can be like before. Can this be TRUE?... So, with that said, my doubts here are: Should I do the no contact again?, Bearing in mind that "leaving" her alone is the thing she hates and is affraid the most. (even in this "friend" time). Or what's the best path to follow. I should mention, that I will be moving to her city in about 3 months (I will study there, cause although she broke up with me, I didn't/don't want to change my plans because of her). I appreciate your opinion.
Enver
If she is cold and distant, you can apply no contact for a short period of time (like a week and two) and then try contacting her again.
Alright, Well. She doesn't seemed distant. But I want to ask you, your wise opinion and knowing you have lots of experience and know how things work: As I said, she was cold and desperate and try to be distant, then she was nicer, her tears were because she missed me and she wanted to hug me (her words, not mine). then after I dissapear, she became again a bit distant, and came back to the same stage of repeating that she has no feelings (although she keeps crying when she mentiones the relationship, because she thinks it was the greatest thing and didnt work out and that makes her angry) and that nothing will be again as before, and she doesnt have hopes.. But, when I treat her like a friend and I play cool when we write, she gets annoyed/angry and says that I am treating her as if she doesnt matter to me. So.. what is this about, Kevin?, Are feelings there for her... maybe hopes?, Or am I being just.. played?.... Appreciate your opinions and advices how to proceed.
Thanks for your help and this website. Cheers.
It's classic hot and cold behavior. Don't let it effect you and keep your cool through it. If you haven't done no contact till now, tell her you both need some space and time and do it. At least three weeks.
Thanks for your comments. Well, I did apply no contact, for 5 weeks. That was right after the break up, back in last October. Since then I have tried to come closer, but sublte. Does it matter to my case that she said a week ago (cause I stupidly asked), she is "getting along well" with a guy, and... "women wants what they can't have" (she really said that). I mean, I really, do not want to be in the place that she takes me for granted, cause apparently she does... Direct question, I know I have to be the man she "can't" have.. easily, So, any advice for this?
Btw,.. about last msg, did you think there are feelings for her involve...maybe hopes?
Thanks again for your wises opinions Kevin. Cheers.
Start dating. She will realize that she will lose you soon. And yes, there are definitely feelings involved.
Hey Kevin. Regarding your last replay telling me to go out on dates. Well, I have already done that, actually I am still doing that. But, how could she realise that will lose me soon (as u said) if we dont live in the same city/country and we are not 'friends' over facebook.
It'll be hard, but you can drop subtle hints in your conversations with her that you are going out as well.
Hello Kevin, I haven't written in a while.
So, what have happened till now is that she is not so openly again,.. When I write her txt messages ( I use a very known text-system to get an ex back), this worked wonders months ago, but now she is drifting. At least she does answer to the messages but very short answers, almost like nothing touches her. Besides that she has got angry for small things, and also for me asking her if she is dating someone. Yesterday we had a skype conversation, and she pointed out that I should not ask that anymore, because she is not with anyone and she doesnt like to answer me that always and that I shouldnt care so much because we suppose to be friends... Here I applied, something very difficult but that it could be powerful: Reverse Psychology. I told her that is the best to be friends, and we are better like that, and that I don't think us in a relation would be possible, becuse she is young and she is not ready and that perhaps she was right about we weren't meant to be. ( I said all of these, because always when we skype she had to bring the topic that she thinks she couldnt be with me, nothing wil be like before...etc etc) So I saw her reactions were surprised and shocked and her head down(maybe a bit angry as well)... cause now it was me who was saying this things and not her. Also, se was very curious and ask a lot of question who am I dating or seeing, if its sentimental or just physicial, she was way too curious. (she played this as a "cool friend") my answer to her was: Well, maybe I am getting along well with someone. And at the end I told her no to think too much about us, or having second thoughts,.. we are enjoying our life and that's the best thing.
Note: I do go on dates and meet women... and people.
I hope to read your comments soon if you have any suggestions or opinions they are very welcome.
Hey Kevin I appreciate this post.
So me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and she recently was forced to make a descision that requires her to move away. Now we knew this was coming and we had been talking about it for a while and we had always agreed that I would move up there with her and she wanted that.
Now recently I asked her if she needed me up there or be and she didn't know the answer to that. So that made her freak out and she started thinking that if the answer wasn't automatically yes it must mean she doesn't love me as much as she thought. And that started the mental train down the road to the break up.
So now comes the day of the break up and yes I made a mistake and called her and seemed very desperate saying can u promise me no matter what happens we will be together and that made her even more upset. So we met up and she said that I don't make her that happy as I used to and we r totally different. (Which had never been a problem before) and ultimately we agreed that we still loved eachother a lot and we always will and we will still be best friends.
So now we still talk and text constantly and hang out for lunch and stuff together and everytime we do I can see she wants me back and I want her back too but for some reason she made the choice and sticking to it.
The times we hung out after the break up were awesome we laughed and smiled and had a really great time and it was obvious that I DID in fact still make her happy.
And just yesterday we hung out and talked for a bit and I told her about some health issues I have and how afraid I am (because honestly possibility of cancer is a very scary thing and I wanted her to be there for me) and she told me constantly she still loves me and hugged me and reassured me. And when we hug we hug like a couple and we always end up trying to kiss eachother (habit I guess) but we always then away.
So in this situation would no contact be something u advice or what do u think? Is there another way to get her back without no contact because it's scary for both of us. She began crying very much when I told her about my health and I know she wants to be with me. I just don't know how to bring It up without risk of sounding desperate.
So what do u think contact or no contact?
Thanks again for this article. It's going to be very hard but I'm going to do everything I can to get that possibility of her coming back.
I think you should do no contact.
Hey Kevin,
Me and my ex were talking for 6 months and started dating for 2 months until I Broke Up With Him. He Didn't Know How To Communicate And Then I Saw How Good He Was Doing Without Me & I Have Been A Wreck Ever Since. I Love Him & He Tells Me He Loves ME Every time I See Him. We See Each Other Only If I Need Him To Take Me Somewhere Or If He Needs Something and Vice Versa. He Has A Son Who Is One but Without me Being In His Life He Moved Into A Girls House He Has Known Since They Were Kids ( He's 21) He Has A Car Now Too. He Tells Me He Has Love For Both Of Us(The Girl He Stays With). I Don't Know What to think of that statement. Idk What To Do.
Thanks
- Neisha
Hi Kevin,
I am going to meet my ex after the no contact period. And we are friends now. It would be a movie and a lunch. She's confused as she really wants to be my friend but she's not sure if she wants to get back. She has said many times that she misses me too. But i had given her the space we both needed. Kevin please tell me what should I do from now onwards? And also please tell me what should i do during the "not to be told Date" with her?
Don't show any signs of neediness and don't try to pressure her into getting back together. Just have fun and go with the flow. Don't make any big moves right now. Wait until at least third or fourth date.
Hi Kevin
I have read the page and all the articles and are working through Ryan's Relationship Rewind.
Me and my ex was together for 8 years we are both 29.
We broke up 8 months ago.
We tried to be civiliced about it and said we would remain friends. When im looking back at it i realise that im falling for all of the traps in the book by that deal.
Lately ive been trying to distance myself from her so she will have to reach out for me.
What im trying to work out is if the best cause of action still would be to go for the letter and then continue onwards even if we at this point are in a "good" friendship.
I think if i stay in this friendship state that will be as far as it goes.
I also have an issue with the 30 day rule, we have some commone hobbies so i cant totaly stay away from her but can minimize it. Will that be a possible solution or will that be a futile struggle?
I think it's still OK if you minimize contact. Just make sure you don't talk about your feelings, personal life, the breakup or the relationship. Although, complete no contact will be better.
hi my babys dad walked out on us 6 months ago to be with another woman hes disowned my 8 year old son who has autism and only wants to see his 2 year daughter if hes with his girlfriend otherwise hes not interested in seeing her.ive text him alot everyday since he left and his replys are that hes going to make my life so hard for me im going to end up killing myself or he hopes i get cancer and die a slow painfull death.nice i know but i still love him and want him to want to come back and realise what hes done to us,hes changed since hes got with this new girlfriend in a big way ,please help me
Wow. Claire, I think you just feel rejected and/or are afraid of being single after so long. I will recommend you start no contact for at least six months and learn to be happy without him. If after six months, you still want him, then get back in touch with him.
Hi Kevin, I would like to explain my entire situation from the beginning so that you may better understand the situation because without understanding the full picture it can seem like it was nothing. I am 17 years old and in high school currently and five months ago I met an amazing women named Cianna, she had recently broke up with her boyfriend who had attempted to cheat on her when we met and we began talking and really hit it off and would spend all day texting and it seemed like things were going well until she decided to get back together with her boyfriend. She told me that she really liked me and that i did nothing wrong, that she had just been good friends with her boyfriend for four years before the dated and she wanted to give him another chance. It sucked but we remained friends and but it was difficult at times because we both still had feelings for each other which naturally caused all sorts of problems for us and it put stress on her relationship. She continued to date him for about three and a half months during which I began my own relationship but it never became serious and ended after a month and a half. I remained friends with my ex and she and Cianna became pretty good friends too and Cianna often looked to her for advice. After I broke up with my girlfriend, Cianna and I became closer and began to hang out more often which only intensified our feelings for one another to the point where we almost let things happen between us. This caused many problems between her, her best friend who hated me and her boyfriend who also disliked me and at one point Cianna told me we could no longer be friends because her feelings were putting too much stress on her friendship and her relationship with her boyfriend but the next day she decided that she wasn’t going to let them ruin our friendship and told them that they had to get over the fact that we were friends and this again only brought us closer and we began texting 24/7 and face timing most nights. About seven weeks ago she called me very distressed and told me she believed she might be pregnant and that she didn’t know what to do, I asked her what her boyfriend said and she told she hadn’t told him yet and that I was the first to know. The next day she told her boyfriend and he acted as if she was over reacting and after a few days he told his mother who threatened to tell Cianna’s father if she was pregnant who would make her keep the baby so she broke up with her boyfriend and I spent the next week and a half doing everything I could to cheer her up and research all the options and get her pregnancy tests to take and in the end it turned out she wasn’t pregnant. After all that we were closer than ever and spent every opportunity we could get together which wasn’t much because of our busy schedules but when we did it was great but she still wasn’t quite ready to start anything yet. a few weeks went by and the tension between us grew until she said she was ready to really start something. Throughout the next two weeks we saw each other whenever possible an she often told me how she felt about me and how I made her feel but we still hadn’t kissed yet which she said was because she was so nervous but I didn’t mind because I wanted her to be comfortable and then we did finally kiss and a week after that was the Saturday before Easter and she told her parents that she was going to spend the night with her best friend but I actually took her to the movies and we spent the whole night after that walking around and eventually things happened and it was great. However this is where things go bad, after spending the next few days unable to see each other we were looking forward to Tuesday but sometime during school she bumped into her ex and the had a hug and after that she was very depressed and wouldn’t talk to anyone which I understood because it was a person she had known for a long time and once had strong feelings for but that still didn’t settle my nerves and kept trying to call her to make sure she was okay but that night she called me and told me that we needed to breakup and that it was for the best and I was asking if she was going back to her ex but she said no. That night I went to a party and got messed up and she found out and called someone to pick me up and the next day I texted her and things between us already started to look better and her friend was telling me that all the stress in her life had just caught up to her and that it would blow over and me and her would be fine. I asked her if it would make her feel better if I went to meet her after her study hall and she said sure but that made me think she was only doing it for my benefit which is not what I wanted, if she need space I wanted to give it to her so I asked again but this time she said not really because she was kinda mad at me because she found out I had plans to go back out that night to take my mind off things but I told her I wouldn’t go. But about ten minutes later my old girlfriend who is friends with Cianna and I told me that she had been talking to Cianna and that she actually did want to see me and sent me a picture of the text where she had said it so I tried to text Cianna back but i couldn’t get a hold of her so decided to go anyways and surprise her so I rode my bike eight miles up and down hills to our school and when I get there it turns out study hall had been canceled and she had just told her dad so I asked if she could tell him she made a mistake and it was actually on but she wouldn’t and then she got a ride home from her friend. I was really tired and wanted to rest for a bit so I told her I was gonna swing by her place which was on my way before her dad got home so I could get a break but she said not to but I was already upset from the day before and angry about today and in was tired so I told her I was just gonna stop by for a second and that I would be there in fifteen minutes and this made her angry and when i got there she had left to go on a walk so I tried calling her because I wanted to talk to her but she wouldn’t answer so I called her friend and the I went to see if I could catch up with her but then I get a call from her saying that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. After that I tried to call her again and text her but she just told me she was done and so I tried to call her friend who now hated me again. So I waited ten days before I tried to see her again but when I did she wouldn’t look at me or listen to anything I had to say and she just kept walking and put her headphones in. Then I waited another week and this time she kept walking but she did somewhat listen to what I said but still wouldn’t look at me and she just told me that she was done, and I told her the break up was a good idea and that it was for the best. That was yesterday. She has also been seeing another guy since exactly a week after we had our fight but she doesn’t know that I know that. What do I do from here Kevin, I’m head over heals for this girl and she has told me more than once she felt the same way if not more so, I know that I can make her happy and that with a second chance I wouldn’t mess it up?
Hey Zach,
I read it the first time you posted. I replied to your comment here.
Hi Kevin,
First off, great article! thanks for this great advice.
My ex and I went through quite some turbulence from the beginning of our relationship.
When we started to hook up she was still with her boyfriend at the time but she broke it off to be with me. But we started living together from basically day 1 and I had just moved from living in Europe for 10 years, and being the person I am (I traveled a lot), for me to choose to settle down and stay here again was a big deal but I was willing to take a chance. During our time living there she was very insecure and constantly pulling on me and asking for confirmation, so much that it eventually drove me away.
It drove me to the point where I was constantly doubting if I had made the right choice to be here and I was starting to romanticise about being back in Europe, so instead of communicating my problems to her I panicked and broke up with her (stupid, I know). Within a week we met up again and started seeing each other again, and it was great but I had a business trip to Europe for 1,5 months I had to go to. So I went and we kept in touch and we said it would be a good opportunity to both work on our issues. Being in Europe seeing all my friends and the work related stress I had one day that was particularly difficult.
She texted me saying she loves me and I made a big mistake telling her that I was having a hard time and that at the moment I couldn't really say that back to her (even though I did actually love her). She (of course) completely freaked out and told me she had someone else in line that was willing to give her all the things she needs and that she was at the point of taking him up on his offer. Of course when she told me that I completely flipped out as well and basically told her to just go be with him then. And I completely broke off all communication, not reading anything she was writing me etc. To me that was an inexcusable thing to say at that moment. I was very angry at her for saying something like that.
Either way, in the mean time I of course missed her so much, and when I got back here I waited for a week or 2 to cool down and decided to go pick my remaining belongings from our apartment. I (desperately) told her that in my time away from her it made me realise that no place, fantasy or environment stood a chance at what I feel for her and that I was willing to completely go for her. She was acting like she was completely ok and said she was already seeing someone that was willing to give her everything she always wanted in a relationship.
I told her to maybe think it over and let me know the next week, I told her maybe we can just start seeing each other again and give us a fresh healthy an no pressured start. So I applied limited contact that week and we met up that Friday (that was one of the hardest weeks of my life). I asked her if she had thought about it and she said it she couldn't make a decision just like that and that she was moving closer to this new guy.
I told her that I wasn't planning on waiting around for her while she's seeing someone else, I wanted to give us another shot but not while she's seeing someone else in the meantime. And so I walked out hurt and feeling rejected
After that I made the mistake of sending her a text saying why I walked out and that I didn't mean to come across as angry and that I was just hurt to see that she replaced me so quickly with someone else. She said she hopes we can still have normal contact with each other, I told her that would be fine with me.
I still really want her back, and I've applied no contact for 3 days now and I'm wondering if this is really the right way to go.. did she really move on?
Hey Mike,
I think she is one of those people who are never single. I personally think the reason they are never single is because of some deep seated issues and this is the reason most of their relationship ends. I don't think you can have a healthy long lasting relationship with her. Even if you disagree with me, you should apply no contact for at least two months. I think you will still have a chance if you follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I really need your help here.
Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for (more or less) 6 years. I said more or less because we have broken up several times during our relationship, but then we made up several months after that. The main problem which drive all of this on and off relationship between us is because we're far apart, and we haven't even met each other at all (we only know each other online). We last broke up around April last year. However, we then met each other last January, and we started dating again.
However, we had problems. One of the main reason (which leads to the break up) is because I'm "too honest". I tell her things like : I feel attracted to another girl in my city (but I said that I still love her), I'm unsure if we will marry each other, and things like that, which hurt her and made her really sad. But honestly, I didn't do it to make her sad; I did it because I feel that I betrayed her feelings and I just wanted to be honest.
Moreover, we had a hard time maintaining our relationship, because the internet in our country is pretty bad. Which means low-res video calls which often disconnects. Plus, she and all of her family members lives in a single room. Which means no privacy during phone calls or video calls. So we rarely did them, and most of the time we just use instant messaging, which I think is a bad idea, but we have no choice.
After a month, the "honeymoon phase" was over and I didn't care for her as much, which I think adds to the hole in her heart. However, she still said that even if I don't love her anymore, she's still okay with it and just wanted us to stay together forever. She really did love me so much, and she said I was perfect.
But that didn't last. Eventually, another guy in her office started to become close to her IRL and she became attracted to her. She didn't say it to me at first, but I kind of felt it, so I kept asking her, and she finally confessed. Then, on the next day (around mid April), she wanted to break up. I beg several times to her, but she refuses. She said that she's afraid that I'm still immature, and she's afraid that I'll be seeing another girl again. She also said that I doesn't care for her anymore, and she's tired. She said that she thought I was perfect, but it turns out that I'm evil inside.
A few days after, I contacted her, saying that I've reflected on everything, and I admit my mistakes, and I said that I'll learn to become better for her and all that. Then I apologized for my mistakes. She said that she's happy for that, and said that I'm a really nice guy, but she can't date me again because she's still afraid that I'll be "evil" again, and she has no feeling for me again. But she also said that maybe in the future, we'll be together again. Then I asked her if she still wants to meet me, and she said she does. I then said that I'll wait for her until forever, and I wished for her to be happy with the guy he's seeing.
Then I started no contact, but at the 15th day, I suddenly felt a HUGE urge to message her, and I did. I first asked how she's doing. I waited and it turns out she only "reads" it (in instant messaging service, you can know that, in case you didn't know). Then I thank her for choosing to break up with me, because I feel like I've grown up a lot after it (and I really did). Then I asked her if she wanted to stay as friends. I waited, and she still only reads it. Then I said something about why I wanted us to stay as friends, and she still didn't respond. Then I end it by saying that it's her loss, and I went to no contact again.
Here's the part that makes me confused right now.
A week after we broke up, a friend of mine said that he'll be working as an intern in her city from June to July, and I can stay with him in his flat if I want to. This is a HUGE chance, because if I go, I'll be able to stay in her city for a month. Which is a lot of time, considering that at January we only met for 3 days. I mentioned this in my last message, but she didn't respond anyway.
So I thought, maybe I won't go after all; I'll give her some more time.
But yesterday, I was invited by a friend to go to an event in her city on July, and I actually really wanted to go to this event.
Which means, I'll be going to her city, even if she doesn't want to meet me.
This all seems like there's some kind of divine intervention, because I kept getting the chance to go there after we broke up.
And so, I have a few questions :
1. Do you think I still have a chance to get her back?
2. Was my last message to her wrong (content-wise)?
3. I'm planning to contact her again on 26th of May, which means on 24 day of no contact. I chose this date because this was our anniversary. Should I do it on this day, or should I do it 6 day after it?
4. Can you please tell me what I should do now so that I can get back with her? I've done new things and started exercising, but is there anything else I could do?
By the way, we were together for 6 years, but this last one was only 3 months. I'm 20 and she's 18.
I apologize for this really long post, but as I said, I need your help, man.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Ah yes, I also want to ask, should we meet and should I ask her if she wants to meet?
The last time we met, she actually was still dating another guy and had no feeling for me, but after we met, she instantly loves me again and we started dating again.
Like I said get back in touch with her two weeks before going to her city. If she is warm, then ask her to meet.
1. Yes.
2. No but if she doesn't reply, you should not keep on messaging her.
3. Don't contact her on anniversary. Contact her two week before going to her city.
4. You already know what you need to do. I'll also recommend you go on a few dates before ending no contact.
Hi, Kevin,
yesterday I met her following your advice and the ones of the RR-system.
We had a coffee and during our meeting we smiled and laughed a lot and there was a cheerful feeling in me. While having conversations I tried to observe her body language, she was sometimes crossing her arms before herself and then moving her hands up interlocking fingers on her scruff.
While speaking she referred to our relationship as having a pause and not that we are broken up.
During the meeting I caressed her face and she let it happen an smiled and at the end of the coffee she told me "we had a good time" before I could say anything and I caressed her face before giving kiss to each other on the cheek.
I consider it a good start. What do you think? I plan not to contact her for a week. If meeting again should I kiss her or just having a friendly time together. I do not want to get stuck in the friend zone but do not want to hurry either.
Bob
Hey Bob,
Yup, it was a good start. As for the next meeting, your ultimate goal is to get physical with her. But don't force anything. Go with the flow.
Hi Kevin,
He is 26 while i am 25. We are in long distance relationship and are 8 yrs old coming to 9. He said he felt suffocated by me due to my insecurities. He said he wants to be alone. I did convince him to stay on but he ignored and did not reply. I immediately stop doing what I was doing and agree to your advice of no contact. Here's the thing, he is doing his PHD and his first priority is his career and his family. So my biggest fear is he will focus on his career and his family more now and forget about me. Plus, you said to ask him out after the no contact period but how when we are in long distance?
If you are in his town for some work, you can ask him out. If not, then keep the conversation on texts and/or skype unless you are on the verge of getting back together.
In a long-distance relationship (different countries 4hr flight away), how do you suggest the meeting can be arranged? Flying and saying 'Hey I happen to be town, shall we go for a coffee?' is too obvious if there used to be no reason to be in town other than seeing the boyfriend.
Hi Kevin. I have a tricky one for u. So I have done all the steps and like u said we got back together but 2 weeks later he broke up with me again saying he doesn't want relationship at all it was mistake. Now do I still have chance ?
Hey Sarah,
It's hard to say whether or not you still have a chance. You should start no contact again. Only you can decide whether it's worth spending more time and effort.
Over the last 3 years my boyfriend (I can't bring myself to call him 'ex') had said he wanted to breakup many times but I never agreed to it until recently, and we were not separated until now. Now we officially parted.
The obstacle to our relationship is a trust issue - my boyfriend doesn't trust me after an incident that happened 3 years ago, a few months into our relationship. Since then he has been thinking I loved someone else while being in our relationship, which is not actually the case. It is a long-distance relationship and at that time I spent too much time on outings with my boyfriend's male friend, which greatly affected my boyfriend and made him feel insecure, although there was no affair and it was not dates. I love my boyfriend and I understand his insecurities, but he has kept saying that my behaviour at the time demonstrated I loved his friend and not him. A couple of weeks after the incident I started avoiding my boyfriend's friend and since then have had only limited contact with the friend although we work in the same office, in an effort to avoid further misunderstandings from my boyfriend, but that was too late...there was already too much damage.
My boyfriend keeps saying he will always feel he is my 2nd choice (but to me he is my 1st choice) and hasn't been able to come to terms with it. His friend is now married and my boyfriend keeps saying he regrets interfering and had he not, I would have ended up with his friend. My boyfriend thinks I was in love with his friend, calculated that a relationship with his friend might not have worked out, so I continued my relationship with my boyfriend and must have felt bad no longer spending time with his friend (to me the whole idea is totally preposterous and I actually had no regrets limiting contact with the friend).
Repeatedly my boyfriend tried to distance himself from me, by gradually initiating contact with me less and less, ignoring many of my chat messages, although we always did maintain some form of regular daily conversation via chats or short calls (much from my efforts), and we did have lots of fun times together, intimate moments when I felt loved, whenever I visited him for a few days every month. Such lovely and fun times were then followed by some periods of my boyfriend referring to the incident of 3 years ago and saying we should separate, and in such periods in our discussions my boyfriend always ends up speaking with anger of the old incident, asking angry questions on why I behaved that way or avoiding talking to me for periods that can go to a few days, to protect himself from his negative emotions. Each time the same discussion doesn't resolve anything and then I guess my boyfriend gets tired of all the negativity so he resumes to a happier mood and it is me trying to shower my love and affection onto him, initiating contact everyday, with the hope that he would trust me and see my love.
Now my boyfriend has broken up with me for good. He said he cannot be with a girl who loved someone else while being in a relationship with him, a girl who made the calculation that it was safer to stay with him. He said our relationship has made his self-confidence drop dramatically. He said he likes me as an individual and cares about me, and doesn't want to hurt me, but he feels no love - which I don't want to believe. Sometimes he said he has no love, no trust, no respect for me. Other times he used to say that yes he loves me and respects me but can't be with me because with me he feels small and second-best. I know that he had seriously considered marrying me more than once , but each time his negative emotions held him back.
He requested that I don't try to contact him (to make it easier for him and for me) and said that from now on we'll never meet again and never talk again. Does he really mean that? that he doesn't want to meet or talk again?
And given that he already requested me not to contact him, will me trying to contact him make a difference?
Is it hopeless?
I am 32, he is 34 by the way.
Hey Kitty,
I am sorry you are going through this. If your boyfriend actually meant that, then he has some serious issues and trying to get back with him will be an exercise in futility unless he resolves his issues. I think you should follow the plan, but you should make no contact at least 2 months. I really think counseling can help him resolve this issue but you can not convince him to do counseling. At least not right now. When you end no contact, don't fly into his country directly. Start text conversations and eventually ask him to talk on skype. Only go to his country when things are warm and you are on the verge of getting back together.
Hey Kevin, I'm back with another question for you.
Things have been pretty good the last couple weeks, we talked, we laughed, we're friends. We talked everyday for awhile. As I anticipated, things did not work out with my ex and the 24 year old that he met that night. They didn't even talk. a few days ago he said he regretted breaking up with me and that it was a dumb decision. Boom! Jackpot. I did not mention getting back together and neither did he, but I felt that it was a big step forward. After that night he kinda has laid off for a bit, hasn't called me or texted me much, I texted him on Thursday because I got a tattoo and wanted to show him and he called me. He had been hanging out with this girl I am not a fan of, I know that she likes him and did even when we were dating. He said she was asking questions about me like if he would get back together with me and he said only if I moved there. I am really confused, on one hand he regrets ending it, on the other he won't get back together with me unless I am living there. I think he is confused too. We haven't talked since then and I refuse to text him first. I am going to Toronto at the end of the month and we said we would hang out, do you think if we see each other in person it will change things? Like could him seeing me in person change his stubborn mind about only dating me if I live there and make him want me back ?
Thanks Kevin
Yes, it can. Just make sure you are confident and you don't show any signs of neediness.
I sent you two messages earlier today I just forgot to mention that there is a time factor here, there are only 27 days left until the end of the school year and I'm limited by only a few minutes everyday that I can see her after school, like five minutes at the most. I do know where she lives and I've been there many times but I cant just show up because her father doesn't much like her dating very much and the fact that I'm a year and a half older will make him even less keen on the idea. I also thought about the letter option and if I did it then I could use this really old paper I have with a fountain pen and I could close the letter with a wax seal with an image of something memorable. Any thoughts on the above mentioned as well as my other messages?
Hey Zach,
If she lives with her parents, I'll recommend you send an email instead of a hand written letter. Also, you should apply no contact regardless of the time limit. If you try to rush things, you will only push her away.
Hi there. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We split because I would nag him about financial problems and I had insecurities. He's 22 and I am 24. He is in, what I assume, is a rebound relationship because he has admitted to still loving me and missing me and we keep sleeping together. How do I get him back?
Stop sleeping with him and start no contact.
Hi Kevin,
I love a girl who's in the relationship (but at that time, she argued with that guy) but she also loved me back and we have been together for 1 yr and 1 month. But she only says she loves me for only 7 months and the rest of the times, we were fighting and arguing cuz I was nagging and complaining to her for getting back with her earlier bf. During that 7 months when she's deeply in love with me, I did ask her to break up with her 1st bf but she asked me to wait and give her more time so I gave her and ended up I was the one who broke up with her. Since after 7 months, she's been telling me that she doesn't love me anymore and want to become friend with me but still we were together for another 6 months until we broke up finally.
It's my fault that I asked her to tell her current bf about our relationship and since after she told him about us, she blocked me from her contact list and now she has blocked me from all the contactable apps.
And since before our official break up, she's been telling me that she loves that current bf but still not breaking up with me the thing that makes me confused.
Is there any possibility to win her back with this situation ?? Is there someone who contacted you who has similar story as mine and getting back their ex??
Thanks and hope to hear your advice soon! :)
Hey Cris,
I will recommend you stay away from her and find someone who is ready to commit to you. As to your answer, from what you described, her behavior is not that of a normal persona and I can't really say if you have a possibility. And no, I haven't come across any similar story.
:(
I really can't let her go even thou i know i hv really low chance.. Is there any other way of making her fall in love with me again??
Should i start again from being as her friend?
If you don't want to give up, follow the plan. But I am pretty sure you'll just find confusion and heartbreak even if you make her fall in love with you.
hi kevin,
it's me again.and i'm in a very complicated situation now.a few nights ago he kept asking if i had sex with some one during this time.i said this is a personal question and no matter what, this is something that sooner or later will happen to both of us.he got really angry then begged me to tell the truth,finally i said i didn't do that.he is drunk like every other night,he texts me and talks like we are together ,calls me love and once indirectly said he was bad cuz he haven't had sex fore a long time. i don't know if he wants to make me understand that he hasn't had sex neither or expect me to be friends with benefit.i dont know how to act when he acts like everything is like the old days.i just try to ignore him politely. please tell me what to do. thank you very much
i just sent him a message and he we was kinda cold.this is really freaking me out.should i go on no contact again? or should i tell him that i don't like the way he is? i'm scared if i say something negative it might destroy all the chances.we have planned to go out on wednesday,so the next day i'm going to another country for more than a month.should i go out with him in this situation?
Don't say anything negative. If he is cold, you be cold. If he is warm, you be warm. You shouldn't cancel your plans because of him. Remember, the most important thing is to put yourself before him.
thank you very much kevin,i don't know how to appreciate your help in words xoxo
Thanks calvin me and my girl friend we are now back. But the problem is when she come to see me she always come with her friend and she most of the time ask me for money for lunch i do give her am afraid i think she is using me and i suspect she has a boyfriend as her phone no can not be reached she told me she lost the phone what must i do should i just let her go
Explain to her how you feel. If you can't resolve the problem with communication, you should break up with her and move on.
Hey Kevin.
My girlfriend just recently broke up with me. When she was explaining her actions, all she could say was that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I think it was the point where we got intimate and it might have clicked to her that things might have been moving too quick for her because we had only been together for a few months at that point. She mentioned an ex boyfriend whom I don't think she's truly over or might have had a bad break up with. This experience is disheartening because everything was going so well and just out of the blue she said was thinking about our relationship and she realized that maybe it was better that we should be friends. I still really like her so I said I wasn't comfortable with that. I'm almost done my no contact rule. What are the chances of us getting back together?
Hey John,
Your chances are slim unless she gets over her ex. I have a feelings you were a rebound.
Hey Kevin,
I think you might be right. I think they might have been broken up for a few months. And she even told me that she would deflect his messages while we were together. Which makes this whole situation so much more confusing..
She seemed really happy and we met eachothers friends as well
I am 22 and my ex is 21, we were together for 4 and a half months. He proposed to me after one month and we planned a baby two weeks later, pregnant now. After we broke up he said he loved me and was teary as he told me he needed space to think. Silly me i couldn't give him the space i messaged him everyday saying i missed him blah blah blah and he said i ruined the chance of us getting back together.
i give him 2 weeks space and beg him next time i see him for him to say he is happy and he isn't wanting me back, just says its too late. After that i gave up with the begging. I admit i bought him a ps4 and he contacted me for that, i didn't give it him as i found out he has a 15 year old gf now after 4 weeks of breaking up.
he sends me nasty messages saying he hates me and its amazing with this new girl. I have gone a week with no contact but is their any point. Will it make a difference or has he moved on?
Hey Amy,
You moved in the relationship too fast and you should have taken things slowly. Personally, I don't think you should try to get back together with him. Not only is he dating a minor, he was also quite a jerk to you. I think you and your baby (if you decide to keep it) will be better off without him.
Hi,
So I've read your article and my ex and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. I've used no contact, sent her a letter, sent off a text, but she is ignoring me. I've heard from mutual friends that she looks so happy, and doesn't give a care in the world about me. She also has a crush on another guy, and I don't know about their relationship together, but I don't really want to know about that either. I also want to say that she has changed dramatically. When I was dating her (7 months, in a long distance relationship) she was quiet, didn't really like to show photos on fb or anything. But now she shows photos, hangs out with friends, enjoys life honestly. So I'm confused about her and the approach, I feel like I've lost her forever and she won't ever come back. I feel like she won't ever like me again, and is with the guy of her dreams (not that it matters). What I'm trying to say is, I don't think she misses me, but think she is better with out me. I'm confused about what to do.... Please Help Me
Thanks JT
Hey JT,
You should still follow the plan. Different people deal with breakups differently and it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't miss you.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for the reply! I followed your plan and I've been texting her, well actually I've sent her the text and she's been ignoring me still. This has gone on for about 2/3 weeks, is there anything else I can do?
Do no contact again for a month and send her the letter. If she is still cold, then you should consider moving on.
Hi Kevin,
I posted a comment on here and it hasn't come up
It's here.
Hi kevin before i start with my comment i want to apologize in advance for my english since is not my first language.
I did the NC for one month and a half and he didnt try to call me or text me.. as far as i know he moved with another girl , im not sure if is a rebound relationship or not but i still need to try. I texted him 6 days ago asking him for help to fix my vehicle.. he agreed and asked me to go to his shop i wasnt sure of going so i didnt, i told him that i had plans for that day but that i was very happy that we can be friends and that i will let him know when i can go. He never texted me back , so i sent him another text yesterday just to tell him that something reminded me of him and he responded to my text expressing happyness and letting me know that he is moving to an appt , i wanted to ask him if he is moving by himself? why he is telling me? Was he trying to say something? Is he leaving the woman he is with? A lot of thing cross my mind but i didnt know what to say or how to act so i just send him good wishes and told him how proud of him and the effort he is putting on his work he responded: "Thank you :)" and haven heard from him... im not sure what to do next, should i wait for him to try to contact me or should i text him againg acting like a good friend.. please help me understand better and take the best decision.
I thank you in advance for all those articles and all the good tips you give to all of us.
Thank you :)
Luz
You should text him again after 3-4 days. This time, try to carry on the conversation for a while and don't end it so soon.
submitted a comment twice 5/2/14 and 5/9/14 says its under moderation and then never shows up?
Hey Priya,
Your comment is here.
Hey Kevin
my girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. I have been applying the no contact rule, but sometimes we run into each other at the gym. she would always be the one to start small talk. anyway after so time I started sending the texts like you suggested. the first couple I sent got short positive responses. since then I have sent 2 more texts in the span of a week (all positive and not bringing up the relationship or any thing negative) but I haven't gotten any response. what do u think is going on?
Sam
Hey Sam,
I think you should give her more time (at least two weeks and then try again). Hopefully, she will be warmer this time. If not, then you should consider moving on.
Hi Kevin, its my ex's birthday in two weeks time. We parted three months ago, I have sent a letter and a text but not received a reply. Do I send her a birthday card?
Not a card. A text should be sufficient. However, you should wait another week after the birthday to send the text in the 5 step plan.
Hi again Kevin, this is her fifty year birthday. I think that after what we've been through together she deserves a card from me. ??
Its been four months now since our split and I miss her so much I don't know what to do next? I've sent a letter also sent a text but all have been ignored. Do I just give up now or should I still have hope?
You can wait another two weeks and send a text again. But if she has been cold till now, your chances are pretty slim. I'll advice you to try to move on.
Hi kevin, I sent the Birthday card ten days ago, she hasent said thank you or even f×××k off and leave me alone!! Its as if she has vanished, bearing in mind that she was the one that said if we split at any time we should always keep in touch? I really don't understand her.
That's normal. Apply no contact for 20 more days and send her the letter mentioned in the article.
Me and my ext were togethe for 16 months. We are both 25 years. I broke up with her this January with the idea to be just friends and about a time we would be together again. Sadly she started dating her ex-boyfriend as soon as possible. When I asked her why so quickly, she became very angry and blocked me from fb and etc, and said we can’t be friends if I ask her questions like this. Then I tried some desperate contacts via SMS but she was ignoring them. I called her one more time and she was even more angry and used rude words againts me. She wished me all the best and so did I.She said "I dont love u as a bf".Do I have still a chance?
Yes, you do have a chance. Follow the plan. Although, since it's her ex, it's not necessarily a rebound relationship.
Thank you for your reply. Just an update. She said " I don't wanna be friends" what should I do? Thank you Kevin..
hi kevin,
i have a slightly different but similar situation. it's not really an ex - bf, but a guy who just wont commit. i think he starts to take me for granted i would like to try the 30 day NC rule, but wanted to get your thoughts. i would rather just not respond if he contacts me rather than explain i need space. its kind of a control game, and might defeat the purpose if he thinks i just need a few days of space. do you think NC is a good idea in this case?
Yes, I do think it's a good idea.
Dear Kevin,
Where do I start? Well, my fiance broke up with me three days ago. Let me back track- 2 weeks ago, I had told him I felt the "spark" wasn't there anymore. Meaning, we were never doing anything romantic anymore and I wanted to do more things together. I didn't mention anything about breaking up because well, we were engaged and to me that's a promise we must keep together. We were supposed to be getting married July 1st of this year. I'm devastated about all this. I've been keeping in contact with him, which I know I shouldn't be. He told me he is leaning towards NOT being with me. He is still unsure, I guess. I DO want him back. I love him very much. I'm not sure what to do. He seems to be enjoying all his time without me. I'm scared he won't want to be with me. He moved out 2 days ago and I just feel so alone.
Hey Jennifer,
I think it's important you start no contact. Just tell him that you need some space and time and start no contact. Him enjoying himself doesn't necessarily mean you won't get back together.
Hi there kevin
Things took a turn. I went to pick our dog near one of her girl friends. I thought she would drop her and turn around but she brought her girls. Got invited for coffee and regret accepting. One of her friends in particular seems to not like me, and she made a side comment that embarrassed me. Day after we had arranjed for her to pick our dog. It went wrong because that day I waited at the park and she took it as me trying to include myself. I actually had a party to attend to and she was wrong. I told her i didnt like the way she talked to me and she was wrong. Later i asked if she was seeing her ex, she said she was only talking with him, and didnt want anything with him but if she wanted she would see him. I said nothing. Went no contact. She called me a couple of times and i didnt answer. Other day i went to pick our dog at her house. She wanted me to get out of the car but i acted in a hurry. She leaned over the window looking and asked if i was upset, i told her i was just in a hurry. Today she calls me out of the blue to tell me about progresses her brother has made. He suffers from some psychological problems. Honestly i've lost a lot of will, and no contact seems to make her reach for me. But knowing about her ex, i dont even want to talk to her.
Hey Carlos,
If you don't want to talk to her, you shouldn't. However, understand that she is not doing anything wrong by talking to her ex. You are broken up and she has all the right in the world to talk to whoever she wants.
Of course I want to talk to her. I was just being immature. Fact Is I still want her back. I've been doing everything else right, being with friends, keeping busy. I think about us and what we did wrong, and what I did wrong. Today I saw her, and honestly I wish we could spend hours talking, and rediscovering ourselves. The whole ex thing, I've already put it behind. I know it's part of the process and I have to act like a man.
When she called me to talk about her brother I was glad. I was glad that she thought of me and picked up the phone to talk. I haven't done the same, and I wonder if I should.
Thanks for giving me the real thing and not some sugary bs. I would've done a lot of mistakes if not for you Kevin.
Thank you for answering Kevin, I have one more question.She is talking with me in class but no text messages and that made me think she just see me just as a friend even if I speak with her like a colleague and I keep it cool.I'm not desperate, I'm very fine but i think it's a good idea to get back, I know what I did wrong and we have common friends, we are in the same class etc. But also I think i have 0 chances and she just talk to me for fun also she was very anger after she broke up with me because I didn't spoken to her and she also sent me a message after 2 days(I stopped every contact with her immediatly after break up) and told me that I'm immature because I don't want to talk to her.Now she laughs a lot when we talk and noticed a change in my behave(she told me) but I also think that she doesn't want a relationship again, I really want to hear what you think Kevin, Thank you.
In my opinion, you do have a chance.
Hey Kevin,
So I've been doing NC since May 4th, and she texted me last night saying hi. But that's about it. And I know I shouldn't have done this, but I checked Facebook and she and that other guy are both commenting each other in comments and putting smile faces and all that other stuff. Like this morning she tagged his name and said good morning...I am really afraid that they're feelings might be getting stronger. Right now I plan on doing NC until June 6 or something cause there are things I want to improve about myself. But I don't want her to end up with someone else. Please help Kevin. Thanks.
Now she sent me a message saying, I guess you won't talk to me, but okay. It seems like she's pissed and depressed that I'm not communicating with her. But I'm still doing NC. But I really want advice. I don't want her with anyone else. I love her a lot. I just don't know what to do..much appreciated if you reply.
You are already know what to do. If she keeps on contacting you, you can tell her you need some time and space.
You are doing the right thing. Her behavior is typical of a rebound relationship. Don't worry about it.
Hey Kevin,
So I'm just curious (and yes I've read the article) how would I contact my ex again after NC? I can only do it in a text, and I know to keep it relatively short so as to keep her guessing, and I know not to talk about my emotions or the past relationship. But I mean, for the first text, how would I approach it so as not to say anything wrong? Thanks for all the help Kevin, you've helped me a lot.
Use the "something reminded me of you" text in the article.
Ok I lost my comment now
It's here.
Hi kevin, me and my gf of 4 years broke up about 2 weeks ago and when we broke up she said she needed to just be single for awhile and just do her but then said that we can still talk and text so thats what I did. I call her and we talk and we text but she really never does either one and she tells me she still loves and cares about me but she never calls or text me I have to do all the work. Im 22 years old shes 24 and ive dated this girl twice once in 7th grade and once after highschool until 2 weeks ago,I dated 1 time in between but realized I wanted the girl from middle school. She has a job but never has any money cause her parents spend it all on god knows what. Well in the last 2 weeks shes gone out and got a tattoo and is going to strip clubs and partying and it bothers me cause she never would have done any of this before. Idk what to do I want her back but her mom and all the people shes around now hate me which btw makes it really hard for me to call or text her and ive done all the mistakes ive told her I missed her and I cant live without her and I even disappeard for a couple days and she still never calls or texts but when I do she answers and when we talk we talk like always but when she cant talk to me aka shes around everyone else she barely sends me 2 or 3 word texts just ok or idk. So what do I do
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 4 months and we get on really well. We can talk at ease with one another and have a lot of similarities (we both work in construction and enjoy the outdoors just to name a couple)
Sadly, he ended it on Monday because he said he is in a confused state and isn't sure if he wants a relationship or not, and that he finds it unfair that I like him more than he does me. He insists that he still has feelings for me which makes it hard for me to understand why he ended it. The few people who know are all very shocked and want us back together as they never saw us unhappy, even though we all know it would be hard as he is going back to university and he is currently trying to catch up on some work.
It's Friday and since Monday we have spoken every day (which I now know is a no-no). He asked me to ring him Tuesday after a conversation with a potential job offer and he tried to ring me Wednesday as soon as he finished work (which I ignored as I was out).
Last night I went to see my friend from work (male) and after I got back my ex facetimed/skyped me at the time we arranged (me and my ex were talking for about an hour). He was very jealous over me seeing my friend and refused to asked how my mate is.
I mentioned that I am busy the next couple of days and going out with my mates clubbing, over which he was quite upset.
I am seeing him Sunday as he asked if I fancy a coffee with him (this was Monday) and then he confirmed that we are still having this coffee during the chat last night. He also hasn't told anyone that we are not together anymore apart from family and was upset that I mentioned it to my best mate.
I find he sending out a lot of mixed signals and it's confusing me in a very stressful time for me as well as him (work for him isn't great at the moment and he is also behind on university work).
FYI I never pushed him into the relationship, he started talking to me about 5 months ago at work and did all the leg work, so at one point he did like me more. We argued but we always resolved the issue and never let the relationship interfere with work. He was always willing to see me through out the relationship and also very honest and loyal about everything.
Therefore I am unsure of whether to do the no contact rule?
Bearing in mind, I have another 2 job interviews which he wants to know about next week.
Hey Natalia,
It seems he is chasing you and he doesn't want you to get over him. It seems there is no need for no contact since you are already in good terms he is showing signs that he wants to get back together. However, I believe you can still benefit form no contact since it will give both of you some time to figure out what you want. If you think you can benefit from some time and space, then tell him so and start no contact.
Hi Kevin,
I started the no contact rule Sunday as he cancelled the coffee (told me Saturday night when I was with my friends) as he was helping his parents decorate. I have noticed that he keeps looking at all my public snapchats so I am feeling this means I am on his mind?
But because I have interviews this week during no contact I know he will text or call to ask how they went. Should I reply?
And thank you for the reply in the previous post, I was very helpful
It was very helptul*
Hi Kevin,
This is an update on the conversation we had earlier. So I ate lunch with my ex like 4 days ago and before that I haven't seen her for about 25 days or so. During that time, I've been feeling down but better than when she first left me. I didn't want to ignore her completely so I've sent her some FB messages during those days. When we met, we mainly talked about what classes she'll be taking in the fall and how she was doing in her classes.
I tried to sign up a class with her because it seems like our relationship ended partly because I didn't do things with her, but she said she doesn't know and when I asked why she would give me some excuse. She also didn't really tell me about going out with another guy. Before she went back to her apartment, I've asked her if she was in a relationship with someone, she said no. I told her that I saw her holding hands with another guy and asked if she liked him. She said she doesn't know if she does and asked why was I spying. I just told her that her class was really close to mine so I happened to see her holding hands with him as I walked by. Anyways, she said that he likes to hold her hand so.. apparently she let him? (it seems unreasonable for her to let someone hold her hand without being in a relationship..) S
he also said he would drive her back to her apartment. While we were waiting for the bus, I was able to put my arm around her waist (because I missed her a lot), but it may have put her in an awkward situation because she thought it was weird for me to walk her to the bus stop. I wasn't really prepared for this meet up (I wasn't looking my best or much different than the when we first broke up), I was just excited to see her when she let me eat lunch with her this time while she was at school. I know you said to change myself and be attractive to start a new relationship with her, but I might not have given enough spark.
It's still really hard to get this opportunity to hangout with her again because right now, every time I would try and start a conversation, she would still be indifferent to me. She was also wearing the jacket I gave her which was surprising because she wouldn't normal wear it and this meeting wasn't planned. Earlier today, I saw them holding hands again so I'm just confused how she feels about me. It seems like she is still "hiding" their relationship.. I still care about and love her very much. I don't know how to first create this friendship while she is still feeling indifferent about me. Do I still have a chance of getting back with her, what should I do?
She said she has forgotten about why she left me and when I asked why couldn't she give me another chance, she would just say she has given me lots of chances already. I've also tried some tactics of Ryan's Relationship Rewind, I believe I'm in the drift stage and she was the one who left me. If I'm unable to make this friendship work, I don't think I will have a chance of being with her in the future. Also, I'm afraid that she would get annoyed when I keep talking about her GSI. Ryan's guide doesn't tell me how often I should or should not contact her while in drift and is against NC.. so I'm not sure what I should do..
Hey Edward,
I think you are in the drift stage as well. But even though Relationship rewind advises against it, I'll recommend you do a little bit of no contact. The reason you were unable to establish friendship is because you were giving out needy vibes when you met her and it probably made her put up her defenses. You need to back off a little bit and work on becoming more confident.
Hey Kevin,
I've talked to my ex on FB before you told me to apply a little no contact.. we never had a real break up talk and she is more comfortable talking about it online rather than face to face. It was difficult for me to find out the reason when I did meet her. So I've talked to her through FB IM and was basically saying what I've realized that I did wrong, and why doesn't our relationship deserve another chance. She said she doesnt want to be in a relationship.. and that I wasn't doing anything useful with my life. She said she felt like she was dating a child and that it embarrassed her. I told her, "why wouldn't you let me have another chance if i have realized what i did wrong". She said... "because that's not how life works, if i don't feel like it, then don't force me to, if you just want to care about each other, we can do that as friends, but i don't think i can be partners with you anymore" It hurts me that she said that.. but in the end I basically followed Ryan's Relationship tactics on how to establish a friendship with her when she suggested it. It seemed like she accepted it, but you're telling me to apply a bit of no contact, how long should I wait before asking her to hangout? When will I know if it is time to bring our friendship into the next level, do I still have a chance even though she said that she doesn't think we can be partners anymore? When I did ask her about if she was having a relationship with the other person, she ignored it..why?
Hey Edward,
The reason I suggest no contact is because it'll help you think clearly, regain composure, and decide whether or not you want her back. If you think you don't need all that, then you can go ahead without the no contact rule.
I can't say why she ignored it. Maybe she is seeing someone, or maybe she wanted to see your reaction if she ignores it. If you were still needy, desperate, you would've probably freaked out and tried to prey it out of her. Regardless, don't obsess over it. Even if she is seeing someone, it doesn't change your strategy.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your reply and comments. Although she says that we could just be friends, it still seems like her priorities for school is more than me. I'm not saying that she shouldn't be focusing in school, but she doesn't seem like she wants to hangout with me or at least not yet.. She is seeing someone and her priorities for hanging out with him is most likely more than mine. So as a friend, how can I ask her to hangout (without annoying her) if every time I ask she would tell me that she is busy and doing homework? It just seems like I am always the one starting conversations and it makes it seem like I am trying to get her back. She probably still has these negative thoughts of me and is saying to herself that it won't work between us. The only thing I can do is to apply no contact and work on myself to become more attractive than ever, but I worry about whether or not she will forget what we had together. Ryan mentions about taking action before her memories grow with the other guy and that she will forget the memories with me. When is it a good time to contact with her if I never know when she is free whether with school or with the other guy while I am applying a bit of no contact?
If she is cold, then the best thing to do is no contact. I can't say when is it a good time to contact her. But if you use texts and you are messaging after no contact, it really doesn't matter. She can reply whenever she is free.
Me (20yrs) and my girlfriend (20yrs) broke up not too long ago. We were in a solid relationship for 6 years, everything was perfect until recently we had our first argument over the concept of marriage and then she text me saying she wants a break and that she feels she has put more effort into this relationship. That she loves me but doesn't feel I love her. We met up to talk about it in a weeks time and I told her I love her and wanted a future and why did she hide this for 6 years from me if she felt a certain way. Story short it came to an end (but on good terms). She said she will always love me.
She still wants to be best friends and we have been texting the last 3 days like nothing has happened, it's so weird. She has started all the conversations and keeps being nice and offering me things and sayings she always here for me. It's confusing.
I feel things can really work and become stronger, but I think she thinks I'm now trying to win her back but I've always loved her.
Any advice ?
Hey Gus,
Tell her you need time to deal with the breakup and start no contact. Follow the plan.
Hey Kevin. I had left a comment here, I can't find it
Hey Rohit,
I can't find your comment either. Can you post it again. Please read the comment guidelines before posting the comment.
Hey Kevin,
Here I am for the 3rd time lol. My ex called me tonight telling me that he misses me and realizes that we had a lot together and had a lot of fun times together and misses it. We talked about some other personal things that we miss about each other. I opened up telling him how hard this has been on me and it was so nice to hear from him. He proceeded to tell me about all the things he misses between us. Long story short he said that we wouldn't get back together right now but who knows maybe sometime we will or maybe night. Am I dumb for opening up so quickly and secondly do you think I have a chance of this working out and us getting back together?
You shouldn't have opened up so soon, but it didn't do much damage. You still have a pretty good chance.
On the date with the ex. how many should I go on and what signs should I look for to bring up the fact that I still have feelings for her? and to talk about getting back together?
Hi Kevin,
I had left a comment but have not seen it show up
Hey Julio,
I can't find your comment. Is it possible for you to post it again? Please read the comment guidelines before posting.
Does the plan and all the same rules apply if we were in a long distance relationship?? Please answer...I'm 3 days into NC. :( this sucks
Yes it does.
Ok, first off, you have a really wonderful thing going on here. I actually REALLY appreciate your emails Mr. Kevin. You are super helpful THANK YOU! I hope anyone that has this issue sees your website early on......
......for my problem is, I did not find your website and apply any of your advice nor the stuff from Relationship Rewind until later. In the 30 days since she left me, I contacted her too much, and without response. I stopped a while ago, but it all just seems so hopeless. We were going out for over a year.
Everyday better than the last. Our few arguments were settled almost as soon as they ended. I had never had such amazing communication with anyone in my life like her. We knew each other's family which both loved us, we spoke of marriage and children with a relaxed mindset. We were always best friends first. What I had going with this woman was as good as I'd ever felt it before, honest, respectful, understanding, etc...all the best things a relationship can have seriously, and I had dated a sociopath before so I def know the difference.
Anyway, long story short, purely blissful relationship, best friends, she even lived with me, then I got worried one night because she said she'd call me in 30 minutes, and it took almost 8 hours until she did call. I texted her tons and called a bunch, and I told her to please don't do that to me. She doesn't have that many friends and had started hanging out with an immature girl at this time, and ever since she did, my lady started to act differently. The next day I saw her at her job, I brought her a flower and said sorry I freaked out. She was happy and loved me just as much as always. Yet literally the next day, she ended it through IM, yeah, IM, without any reason, hence why I'd been contacting her because I at least wanted to know why, when everything was so awesome, and Relationship Rewind says to at least figure out the reason why as to proceed accordingly with the next steps. I feel blocked.
I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the reason being because I got worried that one night. I feel like anyone would do that if a loved one said 30min and it turned into 8hrs. So even if it was the reason, with all the positivity we built in our relationship, I don't see how one thing so minor could weigh against so many great things. She literally vanished, leaving her entire wardrobe and almost everything she owns in suitcases at my house and remained living with her snide rich girlfriend. I had also been contacting her to figure out what to do with all of her stuff, without response.
It's been over 2 months now, and the only response I ever received, 2 weeks ago, sounded like something her immature friend would write, stating things that were clearly lies, i.e. "I never had deep feelings for you, we were going in different directions, we wouldn't have worked anyway, etc..." But to me, that sounds just like confusion, because the words written were not the woman I knew so well and none of it matched up with whom I had gotten to know so deeply. It's almost as if she's been manipulated in some way by her new social acceptance. The things said would have never came from my lady's mind. She is overly-passive to deal with it the way she did, I know that, and I second guess if I want to be with someone that won't open up when it is most vital to, but the thing is, the last time we saw each other and ever since we met, there was nothing but love and goodness.
I knew of her passivity and she even told me she wanted my help to be more assertive. I feel like if she actually sees me face-to-face the attraction and love will flood back to her. Every time we saw one another it was instant spark and smiles. I feel she knows this and for whatever reason, is why she is avoiding and ignoring, and well, her "friend", is not helping the logic of our care either. I just don't know why she is rejecting the idea to actually see one another, let alone communicate like we were always so good with.
I feel I have made things worse with so many emails, although they all just describe bliss moments, how I've worked on myself for the things I thought might be the issue, and how if we can just speak, something like this will just make us stronger, or at least we can just part ways responsibly(and she can also get her things back which I want her to have of course). I then emailed after her response, how I had no idea she felt those ways, but I respect her decision because I always respected her, and so how do I get you your stuff back and can we resolve this or at least mend it into a friendship of some kind>? No response to that. It's been almost 2 weeks since I contacted and I am still going with your advice, but so did I already ruin it because I contacted before? Where do I go from here? I still have all of her things.
I was thinking I just drop them off at a mutual friend's house I know she'll go. But I just don't get it. Doth the chance & possibility worth not this risk? Is this not the truest definition of love to overcome obstacles & reinforce passions in a partnership or even in just life for one’s individual path? I feel my problem may be a bit different from the norm, because of her passivity. After researching passivity, I've learned that passive people, once they've ran to avoid their assumed negative confrontation, will with the more time that goes by, distance themselves even more and find confirmation in their own distorted decision it was correct by doing so.
I feel she is lost and confused, it is sad, but it has turned me into a depressed mess. This all came from out of the blue and with her passivity, I don't know what to do. I've dealt with heartbreak before, I know the steps, but I never had to use them because it was always mutual separation. This one is different, I never had love like hers before with anyone, and I know she felt the same. I do want to fight for her, she is worth it, it was so rare and unique what we shared, so I feel it is only right that it is fought for and to somehow get a face-to-face interaction with her, but what do I do? I feel I am at death's door, but with passivity as the lock, I don't know how to open it, even after 30 days, or even longer. I have now applied the no contact rule, but does it even matter to?
Hey,
I think your best bet is to continue no contact for another two weeks (preferably four weeks) then send her the letter either mentioned in the 5 step plan, or in the death's door section of relationship rewind.
Kevin me and my boyfriend just broke up well he broke up with me after I found out he was texting some girl and I just confronted him he insisted he wasn't cheating so I kept asking why the messages later I see his sister coming and agrevating me telling me to get out cause his mom had just passed away we went outside seeking for me to get to the bottom of this he denied it all but didn't let me see the messages somehow he was hiding something I then let myself go and slapped him he immediately left and told me he was done he texted me it was over I went over to his house to pick up my belonging he was pollute but told me he didn't love me anymore that he lost feeling but all this time he had been there to tell me how he loved me and would it be possible for him to not love me anymore within an hr ( we broke up before and he said he didn't love me but once I made sure he changed his mind so I let him know that once someone says that I will loose interest ) so he told me you hear what I wanted to hear I don't love u made me think he's saying it to make it easier on him we talked and stayed up hrs talking I then told him if we would talk he said he would try to text me and to met up to get his belongings .. But reading ur article has made me think twice of how I agreed to be " friend " even tho idk if he was lieing .. Please let me know what you think we are both 19
It's OK that you've agreed to be friends. Tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup and hopefully you can be friends after some time. And start no contact.
Hi kevin.me and my partner of 3 years split 6 weeks ago. He is 35 I am 32.he told me he was un happy. Want to move on. And he told me to find mr right. I told him I didn't want any one else. We haven't text each other for weeks. He is on a dating site. I no he wants space. So I've taken your advice and not contact him. It's hard but if you want that special someone back then you have to do the right thing. I see him every weekend as he picks our son up. I try not to talk to him. I so want to tell him I miss him. I am worried he will forget all about me and move on with someone else. Because I am not replying to his texts he thinks I don't care. I just want him back in my life
I don't think he will move on so soon. Even if he starts seeing someone, it'll probably be a rebound.
Hi kevin.i spoke to my ex.cause he brought back our son. I find we get on so well when we see each other every weekend. But he then texts me saying he wants to be friends and hope I find what Iam looking for. He told me last week. The chances we got getting back together has gone further away. Is he given me mixed signals?.He tells me what he is up to. And what work is like. I am so confused. I have to text him cause of our son. We broke up before for 6 weeks. And he told me he missed me and our kids. What do I do kev?
Apply limited contact for at least a month. That means only talk to him about your son. Let him know you need some space and time and you can only talk to him about your son. Don't talk about anything personal and then follow the plan.
Hello Kevin. I've done what you said about limited texts . Early hours this morning my ex text me. He said how I made him a stronger person. That he car for me a lot. And he still loves me. He said some nasty stuff to me. Very hurtful. He told me he's his own person now. And no one can tell him what to do. And all the love I may still have for him has passed in his eyes. I didn't text him back. But my felling is. He never wants me back. Shall I just let him go. Or just leave him to cool down for a while. I really love and care for him.
Let him cool down. Continue with limited contact.
Hey Kevin. I've been doing the no contact. Only txt him about our son. The truth is I sent him an email telling him I was sorry for my mistakes and I apologise for my actions and for hurting him. Well he never got back. So few days later I text him. And still no reply. Anyway he text me yesterday saying he has feelings for me but is trying to block them out but it's hard for him. He said I had no reason to apologise or to be sorry. And that he was sorry for calling it a day. He text me this morning telling me that enough is enough. He is happy on his own. He's said he's thrown in the towel and he's his own person now. He told me that he got back with me last time because he loved me. I was upset so I text him back. Explained everything and how I've become a stronger girl since he left me. I no he still loves me cause he can't get over someone so soon. Iam going to start the no contact again. But do you think I still have a chance or has he made up his mind. Please help
I think it's worth trying still. Follow through with the plan once. If it doesn't work, move on.
Hi. I've been reading your emails for quite sometime and I love your advice. I'm 23 years old. My boyfriend is 27. We've been together for 7 years. Our relationship have its own ups and downs but one thing's for sure-being with him are the best days of my life until I made one fatal mistake. I cheated. Why I did it still baffles me. Probably co'z I got curious. You see, I was a virgin when I met my bf.
My conscience couldn't take it anymore that's why I told him everything. And to my surprise, he also admit that way back 5 years ago in our relationship, he also slept with another woman/women. I forgave him for what he did and I regret what I did. I apologized for a hundred times. And you're right. It didn't work. My boyfriend broke up with me.
After a week of our break up, he decided to give me another chance. But it's not the same. He got cold. It's been a month now after the incident and since he took me back, we're not officially broken up. We're trying fixing things.
I tried the 30day no contact rule but on the 4th day of no contact, he texted me. Even called me. I tried to stay cool as possible. But he only reverted to anger. And whenever I won't tell him where I was, he would only get suspicious. So I started telling him my whereabouts. Asked him how his day was and so on even if I won't get any respond. And now I'm the one who looks needy.
Is the 30day no contact rule would still apply in my situation if we're NOT broken up?
How do I get his trust back without being needy?
Thanks for your time. Your advice would be very much appreciated.
If you are already back together, you should not apply no contact. Instead, you both need to have an honest talk about what's going on in your relationship and how you can fix it. Going to couples counseling can definitely help. You need to learn to communicate in a better way and how to rebuild trust after infidelity. There are a lot of resources on the internet regarding that and you should look for it.
i left a comment here but now i am not seeing here
Hey Robin,
It's here.
Hi Kevin, I've been applying no contact for about two weeks since you recommended me. My ex (27) and I (27) lived together for more than a year, and he decided to move out from our flat about a month ago. He still come here collecting his stuff while I'm away. I already told him he can take his time to move things out because I know he cannot take so many things at once. Do you think this situation is not good for starting no contact even though I'm not seeing/contacting him for two weeks? Does no contact start after he moved out completely?
So sorry I forgot to tell you how old we are. We are both 19.
I left a comment before but I'm not sure if it posted? I can't find it
Hey Tom,
It's here.
Hi Kevin,
I'm 29 my ex is 31. She split up with me a few days ago because she said she was unhappy. We've been through a lot, her ex stalking her and her feeing confused a couple of years ago. We split up ad me acting like I was getting on with things and not texting worked. Since then we have lost a baby to down syndrome, my dad died at the same time, my granddad died a few months later, my mum was in and out of hospital and I had to finish my degree at the same time to secure my job, stress got to us and she was splitting up with me a lot apparently to get a reaction. She decided she wanted a baby, but I said we needed t get back on track first. Next thing she was pregnant and I didn't give the reaction she wanted. She split with me again and I just got on with things but was still trying to be there to put up a cot and things (despite what she says; "I was out all the time" apparently). We were together again before the baby was born.
My daughter is now 5 months old, things were good for a bit. I've been a door mat for the last month. She has said the same old routine is now boring, was a complete mood change over night. I've kept texts short and to the point. She's posted things on facebook like "the beginning is always the hardest, don't give up" and "if you show me you don't give a f*** I will show you I'm better at it". I love her so much and want to be with my baby's mum. I have to stay I contact for my daughter's sake though. How d I get her back?
You should still follow the plan and use the guidelines in this article to apply no contact.
Dear Kev,
After he uploaded that picture on viber I kept calm for 3 days and I sent a msg asking whether he managed to deposit the money and he never replied. We haven't had any kind of contact for 2 weeks . I m astonished cz he was chasing me last whole month for my bank details and when we finally agreed how we could do it and sent the bank details he is showing his indifference by not replying me. I can call his parents and ask for the money but it will sabotage the good image he has of me. What would you advice me to do? Should I text him or should I wait until he says something! After 5 days he took the viber pic off as well. But I saw his new gf has become friends with his sister on fb! I know things are going pretty well. Im becoming stronger but I don't know y he dsnt want to tell me why he is unable to pay!
Thank u Kev! Hope you are well! hugs
Gina
Hey Gina,
If you still want to pursue him, wait another couple of weeks, and then text him back. If, on the other hand, you have decided you don't want him back, I'll recommend you contact a lawyer about getting your money back.
Hello Kevin!
After broking up with my ex boyfriend I followed all ur steps I gave him th
e space and time and also I tried to make some changes on me myself and now after 2 months from the breakup he called me but I didn't pick up the 1st time and even the 2nd thus he started a conversation with me on FB he asked me then if he could call me I accepted we stayed on phone for 2 hours from that time he called me often and all his calls are after midnight & take frm one hour to two I noticed a changement in his way of speaking with me showing more importance & caring besides he didn't mention anything abt our relationship or breakup talking like nothing wrong has already happened to us besides, he keeps asking me if I have someone in my life or not I asked him if he speakers with all his friends and takes all the time with them like he does with me he said "no, u,re more than a friend" in the other hand sometimes he desapeares , no calls no facebook no message I couldn't understand him, truelly I don't know how I should react!!!?.
Thanks
Just be cool and don't show any signs of neediness. If he disappears, you disappear. If he is cold, you become cold. If he is warm, you be warm.
So I just found out he made an online dating profile where he basically says he’s looking for the one. He also used photos from our relationship, including our trip to Peru, a wedding we went to which my arms is actually in the photo and even one from our anniversary in Vegas! Why would he do this? I don’t see how you can go from loving someone and planning a future one minute, then a week later breaking up and less than a month after that posting on a dating website. In our breakup 6 weeks ago after a year & a half he said with teary eyes (he hasn’t cried in 7 years before this) that he really loves me and this was the hardest decision he’s ever had to make but when he thinks if I’m the “end all, be all” sometimes he sees it, sometimes he doesn’t and his gut is telling him something isn't right.
Is this something we can come back from?! Do I still stand a chance? Should I continue no contact (did 28 days, then sent an easter text, and now no contact since his response that day) even though he's out there looking? Or should I try texting him now.
Btw, we were together for a year & a half. I'm 26 and he's 28.
Brenda,
I replied to your comment here.
Oops sorry, lack of sleep is really starting to catch up with me. Thank you.
Just an update. He said today that there is a possibility that we could get back together because I did nothing wrong, and he just needs to work on himself. He said that I am beautiful inside and out which makes me different from when he ended previous relationships. We ended because he needs to reevaluate things, not because of fussing and fighting.
What do you think Kevin?
We have been broken up for 6 days and sadly I have not started no contact until yesterday but received this text today. What do I do?
If you haven't started no contact yet, send him a text telling him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and start no contact.
Hey Kevin
So my gf broke up with me three weeks ago and before I read this article I tried to see her about ten days after we had a big fight over our breakup the day before and I reacted pretty badly but when I saw her last week she wouldn't look at me or talk to me she just put her headphones in and kept walking no matter what I said. Me and her only dated for a short period of time but had been friends for quite awhile before that and we both had strong feelings for each other the whole time but were both seeing someone else during that time that prevented us from dating. My biggest problem is her best friend who has had it out for me since day one and a few days ago a friend of ours tried to talk to my ex about me and I was told that she sounded exactly like her best friend as if she was repeating word for word all the things her friend would say about me. What do I do.
Follow the plan Zach. Don't worry about her best friend. That's something you can't control. Concentrate on the things you can control.
Thanks Kevin, lately I've felt a lot more optimistic about the situation, not because she has given me any reason to because she is as stubborn as ever but I guess I've realized that I can do this. We had a lot of fun together when we were together it was just our relationship started in a very stressful time during both of our lives and it moved very fast which I believe was a result of our long standing feelings for each other that we couldn't act upon until recently.
The fight was stupid and the result of too much stress on both of us and I reacted in a negative way to the situation and said some things. Another contributing factor to our failure was my lack of understanding of how she was feeling, not that I wasn't trying but because until her, I hadn't been a relationship kind of guy, so I'm not used to reading into others emotions. I could always tell when she was upset or something was wrong, it's just she tends to hide her feelings a lot and it was difficult to tell just how much the stress was effecting her. Even if I did, it still would have been difficult for me to truely understand them because I have always had the tendency to suppress any painful emotions through parties, fights, alcohol, and even through the use of marihuana.
But before this all happened I made her a promise to stop those activities and I've kept it and now I actually do understand how she was feeling and I feel aweful about how insensitive I must have seemed. But I'm a one time mistake kind of person and learn after the first one and now I know. I finished the no contact rule today a little shy of thirty days because unfortunately I am on a time restraint that can't be helped but I saw her and told her that the breakup was for the best and that it will help us both out.
The last time I tried to talk to her she wouldn't even look at me, she kept walking and put her headphones in, but this time she talked, it wasn't good but it wasn't bad, she started by repeating what she said after the fight which was that we were done and that she was done but then I explained to her that I agreed and I also found out something that made me feel much better which was that she did not believe what her friend who was trying to convince her that all I ever wanted with her was sex, I just hope she was telling me the truth because aside from her thinking that about me I don't want her to believe that is all she was worth to me. However she still didn't stop or look at me but at least she talked to me this time. What should I do with this?
Zach,
It looks to me you still haven't applied no contact so I think you should do that for a while.
Hi kevin,
I have a question about my situation.I broke up with my ex girlfriend over a year ago.I tried hard to get back but she rejected me.so i moved on.Eventually in this time once she wanted to come back saying indirectly but i was looking for new love.But after talking with several girls i realized she is the perfect girl for me.Then i contacted her and she said she still loves me but it was too late .She is having a new relationship and she could not hurt that guy.Then again i became desperate and more rejected. then i realized that i should use no contact period. After 2 months of no contact i started to contact her.During this two month only once the called me but i did not reply to her call.then slowly i started to contact her.Now it has been around two months since i contacted her. And we talked about a lot of things. but we do not discuss why our relatinship ended. I always tell whatever happened it is good for us.and i did not ask her to get back with me.
now the problem whenever i want to meet with her she agrees but in the meeting day she makes an excuse to not show up .the worst is happened today. We fixed today to meet.But when i called her today to come , she just cut up my call. so what should i do in this situation? Is there really hope to get back with her or should i move on?Another thing is during our conversation she does not say a single word about her new boy friend.Is that a good sign or bad sign?
I think you still have a chance. If you want to spend more time pursuing her, you should do no contact again for another one month and then repeat the same process.
Hi robin,
there is a new update about my situation.That is she sends me a text yesterday.There she wrote she really wants to meet with me but she frightens to become sad or become weak towards me.So she still does not earn enough strength to meet me.What should i do now?
Tell her you both need space and time right now and hopefully you can meet in the future and start no contact for at least two weeks.
Well, i'm in a tough situation, we are both 18 years old and we are both in the same class and we stand next to each other.We broke up 1.5 month ago( we were togheter for 7 months) because she told me that she can't be with me anymore and it doesn't work and I immediately stopped contacting her, we haven't seen and talked for 2-3 weeks, after 2 days she spoke with one of our colleague(a girl) and told her it's weird because now I ignore her and she wants to talk with me.Ok, I started to speak with her only in class and only when she tells me something but nothing on chats(she sent me 5 messages but i answered short and cool), she is very funny with me, she laughs a lot when we talk, she is touching me in a funny way.I also did some changes in my life, buying new clothes that i like very much, feeling more confident, more hang outs with friends, going to gym more.Now, my question is what should i do? Continuing speaking with her and starting to speak on chats too or move from her ( i sit next to her in class) and start no contact again? I really need help.Thanx, Mike.
Don't start no contact again. Continue speaking to her and eventually ask her out.
Hi, Kevin,
me and my love are in a very complex situation (we both have kids), but the bottomline is, that after a beatiful year she told me, she can not bear the tension is her life which is caused by the intensity of our relationship and the frequency of communication (daily phonecalls).
I have to add, that from January we could meet and spend time together just every 2 or 3 weeks because of work and personal commitments. So finally she told me, that our relationship is over and she knows how bad it feels, she was also on the other side before, but even then she says it out.
After that happened I have found the Ryan Rivers Relationship Rewind and purchased it and following it I initiated a No Contact period.
After 35 days I called her and she agreed on meeting in 3 days. She asked me whether is it not wrong for me to meet her? Actually I do not understand what she meant with it.
What do you think about our chances of reignite the flame in our relationship? How can solidify the False Friendship without getting stuck in the Friend Zone?
Thanks, Bob
Hey Bob,
You do have a good chance. Since you've already opened up communication, it'll be easy to establish false friendship. You just need to make sure that you don't act needy and don't show her your intentions straight away.
What if your on the no contact rule and your ex keeps contacting you texting you about something he wants from me for example his original resume that I made for him... Do I give it do I tell him I deleted it or do I not even answer. It's only been a couple days I'm ignoring him...he used me for stupid shit like that material gain. And I feel if he wants his resume he has to apologize to me and earn it... Please help what should I say or not say. He keeps bugging me and I am not answering him back.
Hey Sarah,
If he keeps contacting you, for whatever reason, just tell him you need some space and time right now and you'll appreciate it if he stops it.
Kevin,
Hey, I just recently got out of relationship of 1yr and 6 months, we been on and off for three months. He told me he was in love with me and I will someday be his wife and he is very happy with me. But as of now he says he wants nothing to do with me and we will never get back together cause I'm not making him miss me. I've fell deeply in love with this guy and it hurts not talking to him when I'm use to hearing the I love you baby and the I miss you or the happiness. His actions spoke louder even though he was saying these hurtful things. I don't know what to do he lives close to me I still got things that reminds me of him and its getting harder not wanting to text him. I am joining the air force so its distracting me a little bit but all I do is think sleep eat and dream about him. I just wish he didn't get so offensive when I ask him about females he did kinda admitted its cause I don't trust him with girls but I can't help it I've been done dirty by a lot of females over my ex's I just want to know what I can do to fix it and if I can get the love of my life back he really means a lot to me and he constantly let me know I am to him but right now he is brushing me off :'(.
Hey Jada,
You need to start no contact and follow the plan. You will start feeling better soon.
Hi, after the 30 days NC can you apologise for any drunk / nasty messages you may have sent or do you just forget it happened?
Thanks
It's not necessary to apologize. If you are sending the handwritten letter, you can include it in that. If you are taking the text route, then there is no need.
Hey kevin wat if you ex is your co worker you see them everyday and u have to talk to them cause of work
You keep the relationship strictly professional during the no contact period. And try to keep the conversation as less as possible.
Kevin,
I sent an apology email March 20th and my ex replied the next day sounding angry and venting it/saying she doesn't care too. It's been 5 months since we broke up and 4 months since we last saw each other. No Contact since her reply. She hasn't come around yet, not sure why she wouldn't when we did have a good relationship and the break up wasn't bad either. At the end of January, she said she wanted to see me change in about 6 months time, why bother saying that? Apparently she still has "End of Relationship" highlighted on her Facebook from December still posted on life events. With her last ex they became friends right away because she said she fell out of love, why hasn't she come around to talk or wanting to be friends with me? I've been working on myself and really expanding my life physically and emotionally, I am a lot different than when she broke up with me.
Thanks.
Anger is a good sign. She is definitely not over you. I think you should give her some more time and space. Some people just take a lot longer to remove all the negative association and the anger after the breakup.
Hello Kevin ,
I have been following NO CONTACT for exactly a month now. She texted me on the 20th day of No Cont " How I was doing" but I dint respond.(thanks to you for the will power you generated)
30 day No contact finished today, she emailed me yesterday saying that " She gets it that I don't want to talk to her and she just want to exchange things which were left with us" her clothes etc and handover my apartment keys". I texted her back that " I received her email and asked how she is doing" in response she said" she is great and just want to exchange our things"
At this point "I agreed to her insisting to leave my keys and take her stuff outside my apartment door without seeing each other" (sounded like she doesnot want to confront me) but then I also said, I wish we could talk before parting ways and clear out my conscious"
During the 30 day no contact, I gained a positive perspective of my goals in life and Analysed what is needed for me. I still love her, but not needy like I was after the first week of break. Rightnow I'm letting her go and be positive about it.
The question is
Would I need to do something for her to atleast meet me before parting ways? I feel like we dint talk much during the last 30 days and I think she might be pissed that I din't contact her when she sent me a text on 20th day of No contact.
I'm being calm about parting and giving her what ever she needs and do not want to argue about anything of the past, but I like to stay friends when we move on so the energy b/n us will be love instead of hatred/angry.
DO I have a chance getting her back? I still love her. PLEASE RESPOND.
Hey Narr,
You did the right thing. At this point, I'll recommend you start NC again after the exchange. I say this because there seems to be a lot of tension between you two regarding this exchange as it's like a final goodbye. Also, don't insist on clearing your conscious or talking to her during the exchange. Just be amicable and finish it as soon as possible. Start no contact for another 1-2 weeks and then contact her via the letter or texts.
Thank you, Kevin. Your suggestions are great to depend upon during weak moments.
I left her stuff in my garage for her to take and leave my things, but unfortunately her key could not open the garage and she called me to find out why. She sounded that she needed a reason and thought I deliberately made it to malfunction. I then suggested We could meet at B&Nble ( where we met on our first date) to exchange. She agreed to meet.
But then after reading your response, I felt like it's not a good idea to meet now, so I woke up this morning and left her stuff at her front door and texted her. Of course, being polite all the time.
As you suggested, I will wait for the next couple of weeks or longer before contacting her again.
Also I've been going out on dates with another girl during the past week or so (no sex, even though I easily can, I feel its wrong as we are not connected) but I have no interest, My heart is with my ex still.
Do you think it's a good idea to have a sexual relationship with this other girl to completely getting over my ex ? And to develop a what ever happens,"happens"attitude before I meet her.
Please any suggestion helps me be strong.
It's entirely up to you. However, I don't think it'll be wrong to sleep with her as long as you are not lying to get into her pants.
Hi Kevin, my parner of 2 and a half year broke off with me because hes tired of the fights, does not wants to get back with me and i been miserable for a week now. he has 4 tatoos of my name and i can`t deal with the idea of someone with much passion in the past has move on so quickly.
he recently got a job in a call center where he meet a lot of guys so he started to behave a lillte strange, i think hes is starting a new relationship already, anyways what should i do, does he still loves me? i been in contact with him but the moment i ask him to get bakc he just push me away.
Hey Kevin, so I sent the letter about a week ago and she replied to me. "That's good to hear, I'm glad it has all worked out well for you.
It's alright about all the break up stuff, at least you could see that now. Ttyl"
I'm not sure if that's what I want to hear or anything.... Which direction do I go now? Thanks
Wait a week and text her.
Hello Keven i had to use a friends email but i wanted some outlook on my situation. i have been with this guy for 3 years and we recently broke up. As i was emotional over loosing my job he just came out of nowhere and stated he wasn't attracted to me any more. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and had been feeling that way for a month. He expresses to me that we cant be in a relationship but i very much love him and really wanna be with him. I feel so confused. My cell phone is in his name and he still pays the bill. He even gave me the money to pay rent. Anything i need he brings it to me. Even if i tell him im hungry he comes and picks me up and buys me food. I dont know what to think. We had a disagreement and i said some bad things but nothing to the point of deserving this and i feel he is harboring it inside. The NC rule is very hard for me considering the cell phone being in his name and the fact that he is helping me with bills and food. I really want him back and i did beg him also not to end our relationship. What do i do im lost?
You need to learn to be independent without him. Tell him that you need him till you get back on your feet but you'll appreciate it if he gives you some space and time. And then try to get a job asap. Once you get a job, stop being dependent on him and cut him off for 30 days.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I were together for 1 year and a half. We were in a long-distance relationship and we are both 25 years old. We broke up 4 months ago and he has been seeing another girl before we even had broken up and is in a relationship with her now.
When we broke up it was more for practical reasons, we both still had feelings for each other and care about each other a lot. I tried to get some distance and avoid contact for some time (2 weeks) after the break up but we continued texting. He still writes to me from time to time but he changes a lot –sometimes he seems nicer and other times colder. Sometimes he stops answering all of a sudden in the middle of our conversation.
I tried to talk to him after two months of our break up to tell him we could work the practicalities out but he doesn’t seem to agree. He deleted me from facebook and when I confronted him, he ignored it. We were very honest with each other but it seems like I can’t talk to him about anything that concerns our relationship, he completely closed down.
When I stop writing to him, he writes to me and expects me to answer him and have a normal conversation with him. I’ve been trying to not answer but we are on ‘ok-terms ‘ so I started answering him but then he stops answering all of a sudden… what does that mean? And why is he still talking to me while he has a new girl?
I love him and wish he could give us a second chance because I know we could work things out, but he seems pretty serious with his new girl. I’m not sure what to do and hope you can give me some advice.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for the tips & tricks!
I was in a beautiful relationship with such an amazing guy and it was so obvious that we both were in love. I was an extremely nice, respectful and caring person to him! Until I found out that he's married. Well, I didn’t find out I had the feeling and the feeling was right! I was with him for 2 years and I believe that happened like couple of months ago. I confronted him several times and every time he would swear that he got married to a girl as it was arranged marriage by his family and now their papers are in the court as they are seeking divorced. One day the shit happened: His wife found out txt messages between us, he called me to say if the wife or ex-wife to be (until the very last min he didn’t say the truth and that what pissed me off) contacted me to ask if I know him or not my reply should be no I don’t know him!!!
She contacted me and I said yes I do know him very well. She said ok, don’t contact him again, my reply was instead of asking this to me you should ask him. Every start of txt messages or calls were made by him as for some reason I had the feeling that something is suspicious about the guy as I know him for 2 years.
After that incident for 1 month and a half I heard nothing from him and I didn’t even think once about calling or texting, all I thought of is a person like that deserve only shit! I suffered for like 2 weeks. I suffered from being stupid, for the disrespect I got from him, for the reward i got where I was just extremely good partner for 2 years.
After the 2 weeks I started picking up myself by looking good, going out, having fun and only think about the negative things about him. He has some very good values but I didn’t think of them, all i thought of without respect no love. I received a call from a strange number yesterday and it was from him. hi, how are you, how is work etc. my reply was so direct, clear and with a strong sone: why are you calling? The reply was to say HI. I told him I don’t want you to say hi or even call in the first place AT ALL. he hanged up straight away and that it. I want to move on and I think it would be easy as how on earth can I love or have feeling for a cheap person like that.
My only struggle now is that am doing good as I tried to avoid seeing him accidently anywhere though we live in the same area. But i wish to purse my MBA and the company I work for sponsor only one MBA and this MBA is run at his building where he lives. The course is 2 years long and the days will be 2 to 4 days a week from 3pm to 6 or 7pm. I know I have no feeling for him and by September I should have more confidence about this situation and how he disrespected me but do I want to be somewhere where it will remind me of this very bad experience for the coming 2 years??? And what if I run into him accidently? Sometimes I feel avoid it and be strong and sometimes i feel don’t do your MBA and be happy far away? Please advice
Lamar
Hey Lamar,
Sorry it happened to you. I think you'll be strong enough by September to see him and still be able to continue with your life without affecting you. I think you handled everything very well and you did the right thing by telling his wife. I don't think you should sacrifice your career just because you are afraid to see him in the same building. If he tries to talk to you, you can just tell him with a firm tone that you don't want him around you and if he disturbs you, you will have to call the cops.
Wat if you see your ex at wrk cause you guys work together?
You treat them just like any other colleague. Maintain a strictly work relationship and don't have any personal conversation.
Thanks Kevin for the response. I am really struggling with not contacting him. Its like an every other day type of thing I want to get in touch with him. How do I overcome this besides just starting the NC? I don't want him to forget about me and be okay without me like he seems to be according to what he said before. My biggest fear is seeing him move on to someone else. When I left he said he was happy with himself so if he felt that way and didn't want to be with me why would he be with another girl. Do you think that is true? Thanks in advance!
Hey Christina,
Take it one day at a time. After a week or so, it'll get much easier to not contact him.
Hello Kevin,
I'm so glad I found you. I just recently been dump by my boyfriend of close to a year now. I'm 25 and he is 50. We have been dealing with each the first couple months just fine then we got in a sticky situation that cause us to breakup. We did not talk for at least five months. This pass January he contacted me and we hit it off again so magical this time around. Beings tho we broke up I moved away so with this at hand it became a long distance relationship that we agreed to. I would go and visit him every chance I could. This one particular visit I went thru his phone because the night before we had a little disagreement. I saw some sexual videos and pictures of another woman. I asked him about it and he told me it was just something to do. When I tried to inquire more he plead the fifth. He told me he love me and had feelings for me but he could not trust me. I was so hurt from what I saw and how he wasn't trying to be with me even when I was willing to work it out. He said he didn't trust me but left his son with me the same day. I thought that was weird and he was just srating that because he was mad. At this point its time for me to go back home. Arrives back and text him like crazy trying to work it out letting him know how I felt and how I should be really mad at him. Of course no response so I stopped couple days later he started texting me "Gm" good morning text yes I do respond back and that's the only communication we have right now. I don't know what to do I want him back. I love hIm. Kevin do you believe we have a chance to get back together?
You do have a chance if you follow the 5 step plan.
Kevin,
Thank you so much for your help. My girlfriend and I broke up last Saturday. She says she wants to focus on herself and not be in a relationship at the moment. There aren't any other guys and she says she loves me and Im a great guy she just isn't in love with me right now and like I said earlier wants to focus on her. We are both not in our careers yet and I agreed with her. We also agreed that when the other is ready for a relationship we will let the other know and re-visit our relationship. She did also mention that the butterflies are gone for her but I believe that is because she is not happy with herself and when we do want a relationship that will all come back? Is that something I should worry about?
I have started NC and she texted me yesterday. You replied not to say anything. Its obvious she is missing me which is a good thing I just don't want her to forget me. What should I do after the NC and how do I keep in contact without pushing her away while we are waiting to re-visit the relationship? I told her there is no doubt we can be great together when the time is right and not to forget that and what we talked about and she said she wouldn't. I truly feel like she meant that but its just so scary the bought of losing her over the course of this.
Thought* of losing her
Everything you asked is already answered in the article.
Ok, thanks. Do you think I have to worry about her saying she loves me and I'm a great guy but she isn't in love with me and that the butterflies are gone? My feeling is the butterflies will come back after I better myself and as she does, especially after the letter and the "date" that isn't a date.
Yeah, don't worry about that.
Hey Kevin,
My ex and I have been together for 5 1/2 but have been talking about getting together for a year before actually doing it, so when we got together we already had huge emotions involved. Two months later we fell in love with each other and were inseparable and couldn't be happier, good communication, good trust, and we were all about honesty ! Then one months later again, things started to go down hill when my ex contacted me and asked me to lunch and I had said yes to it without really thinking at first , because my boyfriend and I were so into honesty I had no choice but to tell him about it and he was furious at me and didn't talk to me the rest of the day , we talked it out and he said that just because do I g that made him trust me less because 1 I said yes to it and 2 because I was talking to my ex when we told each other we wouldn't.
So after that you can tell my relationship was never really the same , I mean don't get me wrong to was still amazing and wonderful but something didn't feel right about it, he was standoffish , we got into fights about everything and he said he just wasn't happy as he used to be even though I did everything I could to keep him happy and keep our relationship strong , I don't think it was working , if I can to rate it on 1-10 of where we used to be and where we were at the end it would be 10 to start off at and a 5 at the end , literally the happiest we were after that was a 8 but a very low 8, it got so bad that when I went away for a week he didn't talk to me for 4 days I thought I was single , it was absolutely no contact even once and when we did connect back together it was like we never left each other's side and we were happy and laughing like normally .
Cut to the following day I had gotten sick and was hospitalized in and out for two days you would see how emotionally stressed I would have been , so on our last day together I had to call him to ask why he didn't contacted me to see if I was okay and we got into a huge argument and broke up and the next day I found out a lot of secrets he has been hiding (liking someone else, talking to other girls behind my back ,etc.) So I felt so betrayed and useless and foolish to have even been with him, but come to find out that the whole thing was a lie the secrets people were telling me were misunderstandings , I only found out because I had a long conversation with him about it and he told me everything about where our relationship fell off and I finally analyzed the relationship and figured out I'm a huge reason why my relationship didn't work our my actions and the way I would nag and complain and control everything pushed him away from me and now I feel like what we had was real and want a second chance to make it better and start freshly and new.
I know I can do better and find happiness somewhere else but I'm truly in love with him and I would do any and everything in this world just to get him back to me.I've told him that I wanted another chance and that I can change for him I just need time and he told me he wanted to be single and then I found out today that he is going on a date this weekend, he says he will always love me but I don't understand how he can do that if he does... I just need help to understand is it really over ? Should I let it go? Should I keep hope alive ? Will theses steps help ? HELP ME PLEASE ! I'm in desperate need I haven't slept good for a week (as long as we broke up)lost too much weight because I can't eat straight and I can't even be genuinely happy without thinking about him every 5 secs . I can't take it no more , I'm hurting really badly , I would appreciate some help or advice .
Hey Angel,
You do have hope and I think it's definitely worth giving a shot. But you'll have to apply no contact and follow the steps in the article.
If during the no contact rule he goes to another girl, is it still worth a shot or is it a sign that it's over ?
Yes, there's still a shot. That relationship is probably a rebound.
Hi Kevin,
So at first i was with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. I broke up with her, but then immediately started to miss her. So i begged, pleaded and told her how much i love her and needed her in my life. Well about two days after the breakup, she immediately starts to talk to another guy, who was a friend of mine actually (i thought). She said that she likes him and she can be herself with him too besides me. I got very jealous and did probably all of the things i wasn't supposed to do. Another reason why she is concerned with getting back together with me is because in 3 months i will be leaving for college, which is really far away. She says she still cares and stuff, but she is talking to this guy. I don't know what to do since i feel like my situation is a bit different. i already know what i need to fix, but i feel she doesn't believe that i can treat her right. Can you help me out?
Hey
It's been a month since my fiance broke up with me... a month of NC, of changes, and finding myself a bit more. I find myself both terrified and anxious to break the NC with the letter you mentioned. Is it time? Should I wait longer? I still have somethings I want to change in my life. Should I change them first, before I contact him again? We were engaged nearly 4 years. He was my best friend for all of them, and we went through some extremely hard things together and always seemed to come out okay, whether it was a death in the family, him going away to Basic Training etc for 5 months, or me having a nervous break down. He was always there for me, and I tried to be there for him. We just got too co-dependent and weren't moving forward. Our relationship became a chore because we'd become boring people with no future plans, just some talk once in a while. Should I focus on changing myself more before I get back in touch? There's still so much I want to do, but I don't want to wait too long to re-open communication.
Hey Kristi,
If you don't feel ready, then extend no contact for a while. Another two weeks perhaps. Since you were together for such a long time, I doubt another two weeks or maybe even a month will make much of a difference.
Thanks... I think I'll do that. ^_^
I really appreciate the advice... it's hard to get good advice from friends, since they aren't very neutral!
All the best,
~Kristi
Hello did my previous comment not post?
It's here.
Hi kevin, I would really appreciate your opinion/advice. I was with my partner for a year and a half. We broke up twice. Both times it was her decision and both times it came as a complete shock. The first time she said she feels she is not Relationship material. There is a age difference. I am 29 and she 23. After the first time she came back after 2 Weeks saying she really doesn't want to lose me, that she has given it thought and wants to try to make it last long term because she really does love me.
We worked it out and I thought became stronger and happier together. We were close to each others families and even her family said she seemed happy and they saw no indication of the second one coming. I dont know what happened. One minute we were talking about living together and the next she wanted out. We had just spent the entire weekend together as we did every weekend for a year but she chose to end it via text and ignore my calls that day. She told me she loved me every day so I did not expect this.
Over the text messages she said she tried hard because she does love me but she is not meant for a relationship. I broke the nc rule a couple of times during the initial 2 weeks and responded quite emotionally and regret that I told her how hurt I was over and over when she did not even value our relationship enough to end it in person or to talk to me about any problems she was encountering before hand. When I broke the nc rule she said things im not sure were true or intended to push me away but she said things that suggested she never loved me, even tho she said she did undyingly constantly. I still very much love her and do feel it is am age thing.
I dont want to let go if there is still love there but I have no way of knowing now, especially since I did not get a face to face. Now I have been in no contact for almost 30 days and I feel I need more time. I dont think I should be the one to contact her again this time. But do you think theres a chance it will bring her back eventually?
I think you do have a chance, but no contact alone will not bring her back. You will eventually have to reach out to her.
Kevin
Today he changed his whatsapp picture to him kissing another woman!! This picture was taken while we were still together so he cheated on me. The worst part is I know the woman. They used to work together and she is much older than him. She knew exactly who I was. Like I said before, we were having a long distance relationship. I met her when I last went to see him and I thought they were just friends, I have no idea how long this has been going on for. She knew about me and even spoke to me a couple of times then had the nerve to get off with my boyfriend. My ex never broke up with me, just started ignoring me like I had done something to make him angry, I don't think I had done anything wrong. When he replied to my text last week I thought we were moving forward again and could eventually get things back on track. Then today he posted that knowing that I would see it. It's like he's trying to deliberately hurt me. Why would he do that? Now I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and angry right now but I still love him. I know I'm stupid to want him back after this but the feelings just won't go away. Will I ever have a chance now? (Btw the woman is living in another country to him now as far as I know, so their 'relationship' would also be long distance.)
Hello Sarah, I'm Angie and i've been in lots of long distant relationships and trust me they have been hard..Sorry but he's not worth it. Especially if he's so far away. If you two would to go back, DON NOT DO IT!! because he would likely do it again. Trust me. I am a lesbian. And i'm in a relationship with this girl who I'm so in love with. She means the world to me but we're having really though times right now. Yesterday i broke up with her because she was acting different and wouldn't show no affection towards me and i figured that she no longer cared for me. So i told her i was leaving her. Then she starting acting like she was the victim and it was horrible. I cried for hours and i didn't know what to do.. Then realized that even though we're hurt, we need to smile. No matter what the situation is, smile about it. Time will heal everything i promise. We still love them right? but should we stop ourselves from going on with life? NO. Just be happpy that at least it happened. Now it's time to find yourself. Time to love yourself and that you don't need no guy to be happy at the moment. And there's many more guys out there. Try to meet guys near you. Don't think about. Karma will find him sooner or later. You did your part and it wasn't enough so too bad for him. Sooner or later he will realize what he lost. Try not going online. AT ALL. Watch tv, exercise, go out with your friends, work, and later time will make you realize that you can move on. I hope i helped you out! much love!
You should apply no contact for at least three months. Yes, you do have a chance but you should apply no contact and make sure you read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 before ending no contact.
Hey Kevin,
So I was with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half until he broke up with me last week. We are both 21. The past couple months things have been up and down for us. There has been some bickering about stupid irrelevant things such as things that he would do that really annoyed me which would turn into a big issue when it wasn't that big of a deal to begin with. Ben and I shared a lot of firsts together. I am from out of state and going to school in TN where he lives. I stayed with him every weekend that I was there. He came to me last week saying he needed a break because he was tired of fighting and he just needed to do it for himself. We kind of talked things out and he agreed to see how things would go and give it a chance the last few days I was there before I left for the summer. I met up with him and said goodbye on my way home for the summer and he said he just thinks that we need to stay apart. He didn't show any emotion as I was so upset sobbing my eyes out. He said he guesses his feelings have changed and doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and that he did give it a chance. I believe that he didn't because if he would of he would of made it a priority to see me the last few days I was there. He told me he didn't want to talk often while I was gone for the summer and we definitely wouldn't be visiting each other. I don't know if I will ever get to see him again.
This is the most serious and the longest that either one of us has been in a relationship. I would do anything to have him back. I am struggling with trying not to contact him. We have talked a little bit a couple of times but nothing in relation to our relationship. I am so worried that he will forget about me and move on to another girl. I just want him back! Do you think that he will just forget about me and move on? I am so worried that he doesn't even miss me.
Hey Christina,
I don't think it will be easy for him to move on. You should follow the plan. All the best.
Has anyone tried the letter route rather than texts first???
I'm thinking of sending the letter first and then giving it time before sending off the text messages. It's been almost 7 weeks since our breakup and I've only texted him once since with a decently positive response from him but haven't heard a peep since.
Sounds like a good plan Brenda.
Hi Kevin,
I have been with this guy for almost 3 years. But recently broke up in feb of this year ..
But then a day later he's with another girl.. Who by the way tried to break us up before
.. I tried the 30 day no contact but failed. I contacted him again but he told me to leave him alone and blocked me on Facebook. His girlfriend and him moved into a place together 3 months into the relationship.. Do you think there's a chance they will break up. And he will come back to me? And is this a rebound relationship?
What if you have done all the no contact, then apologized and contacted your ex by email with everything the letter says to you and your ex boyfriend totally ignores everything???? Do you just give up? and stop contacting him unless he contacts you? My ex ignored me and no interaction for 7 months now.
You should send them a text as mentioned in the plan. If still nothing, you should consider giving up.
Should I remove my ex from Facebook or leave her as a friend? Which is better during the no contact rule? Should I be posting what I'm up to?
If you are not obsessing over her facebook, then you should leave her as a friend.
Thank you very much! I just got contacted and it's only been 3 days... It was just a hey... Let it go? I'm nervous that she will get angry if I don't reply.
Anger is not necessarily a bad thing.
Hi Kevin,
I'm receiving your emails everyday, and they are so supporting for me. Thank you :)
But I just wonder about my situation. The story is that my ex-boyfriend (who I want him back) is my ex-boyfriend's friend.. I was in a relationship for 2 years, and things didn't work. I was upset and sad. I started talking with his friend (he was a mutual friend) and we became so closed together. Then we started our relationship by telling me about his emotions. He was so excited and in love. We planned each detail of our future. But my ex sent to him a lot of messages of anger, and the only condition to they back friends was to break up with me :( . He choose to break up. He said "It was wrong from the beginning, and I preferred my desires over the right, and that's wrong."
I see him in university everyday, and we ignore each other with sad marks on face :( . I don't know if things can repair because we were perfect, alike, no-problems like in other relationships and there's no thing I can do now, is there ?! I really want him back ...
Well, he is putting his friend before you. So unless he starts putting you before him or his friend agrees to your relationship, you don't stand a chance. I think you should do no contact for at least three months. Hopefully, one of the two things will happen in that time.
So I am in the no contact for about a month now and plan on it for another month. Anyhow. Yesterday was my 40th b-day and I thought I would hear from my ex and did not. Is this a bad sign? I lost a lot of confidence with things after not hearing from her.
It's not necessarily a bad sign. It could also mean that she didn't wish you out of spite. Which means she is still angry. Which is a good sign. On the flip-side, it could also mean that she has decided to do no contact and is trying to move on. No one can say for sure.
Hey Kev,
I broke up with my ex of 5 years for reasons I believe I somehow made up in my head and forced myself to turn myself off her. She came up and stayed the night a week after the breakup, told me that this would be the last time she came up as it was too hard. within days, I realized that I made a mistake, went crawling back to her and told her I made a mistake. Worst. Idea. Ever. She then came back to me a few days later and told me that she now wanted to be on her own for now. Within one interaction, I'd made the option of being alone more appealing than being with me. Lesson Learnt.
Anyways, it's now been a couple of months, I have made a couple of mistakes within those two months, but more so towards the start when I was really hurting. a few weeks ago when we spoke, I could tell she was happy to hear from me, said she misses me etc. Now when we talk it's kinda like we're friends, but there's still strong feelings there. So last weekend she came up to stay for the weekend to look after our dogs while I was away for the weekend. When I came home, we hung out for a couple hours, it was a little awkward, there was an elephant in the room but neither of us wanted to be the one to address it. I stuck to my guns and did not talk about the relationship.
Now I'm just wondering if it is too late to apply the NC rule, as there's already been a bit of contact and the first meetup after the breakup. Where do I go from here?
Hey Robbie,
If you think you need some time for yourself, then it's never too late to do NC.
I sent my comment on 28-Apr, but it has not yet been posted. Now I re-send and update my latest situation to you.
---------------------------------
I’m glad to read your article, you give me mentally support on this. But I don’t know my case can be applied on your method.
My age is 29 & I’m an Asian. His age is 31 & He is an European. We are cross-culture relationship. Our relationship is only 8 months. It is really short. He is my colleagues, but we are not working in the same place, but same country. My story as below:
My ex boyfriend broke up with my about 3 weeks ago. He cried on me to say that he did not know what he had and what he wants currently, he wanted to be alone. He was stressful in our relationship. Also he said he is always busy, he cannot date with me and sometime he wanted to be alone or date with his friends in weekend. He cannot handle it. He said he is not a good boyfriend, he cannot achieve my boyfriend standard, so I can deserve better one. Furthermore, he concerned that he will leave this country to go to another counties for working in future. So he wanted to break up. Also he said he is very very like me.
It is so sudden for me. Actually, I hadn’t never complained anymore. Because I understand his job is really busy. Also I am flexible and independent, I am not clingy with him, I always give him a lot of space. We meet once a week or two weeks and sometimes I stayed over to his home 1 day only. We seldom talk on phone, using what’s app for our communication. So I don’t know why he will use this reason for breakup.
I tried to convince him. And asked him, did his parents’ get divorce recently? (His parents got divorce on March.) He said he didn’t know. Then, I told him it was so sudden and I could not accept on this. He said giving him a few weeks to think keeping or moving on our relationship, I agreed and end this topic. Luckily, I haven’t cry on that day and comforted him.
After shower, we didn’t talk this topic. When we slept, I tested him that I cuddled him, he was willing me to do. And he also did the same.
Second day, when I left at his home, he also kissed my lip. Until I slept, I sent "good night" message to him. He replied, but without kiss message. My feeling was strange, I felt he tried to put me in friend zone. Before Easter day, I delivered Easter egg to him. He was happy and said thank you. However, he already put me in his friend zone because he said hello (my name), not babe/bb. So I ensure now we are over.
From that day, I started to the “30 days - no contact” rule and followed the plan, now is 20 days. Until now, I have not received any call from him and started to think, he is very very like me but not love me, will he miss me or forget me during the time? And I started to doubt his breakup reasons, is it excuse? Does he really want to be alone? Is the “Get him back plan” workable? My feeling is really mess. Sorry, my story is too long. I am really love him, please help me.
Hey,
Unfortunately, I can't really say what he is feeling or his breakup reason was just an excuse. The best you can do is follow the plan, contact him after 30 days and hope for the best. If it doesn't work, you should move on.
Thank you, Kevin.
Actually, I feel he has depression. Because of family issue and work load is huge. (My company structure is changed recently, he always work overtime and feel stressful.)
Furthermore, my stuff is still at his home. If we have a good date after 30 days, do I need to suggest taking away my stuff from his home?
It's your choice, but it's not necessary unless you really need it. If he brings it up, then agree to him that you will take it.
Hi kevin great website
The last day i saw my ex was to return each others things. He texted me on monday coldly that we needed to talk i said i whats wrong he pretty much told me what was up, i said i would like to talk when my kids were in bed ( i have two he has 3) and he was just a dick about it, finally we agreed after his work and we met in a parking lot. I got out gave him his kids gifts that i had bought months prior to his twins bday. He is divorced at 24 with 3 kids and only had 2 gfs. He told me we had two different parenting styles and that we clashed in that way and he wasnt going to change his temper. I followed these steps took ownership with what i did, thanked him for being a good man and helping me and also told him that no relationship is perfect and takes hard work we were just at a down phase and that i wished him happiness etc. After small chat i gave him a hug said i would miss him, he said nothing and he drove off. i did not cry or plead in front of him etc.
I was just removed from his FB account, and his family is still on mine right now. Does him removing me from his FB account mean he has moved on after a week? We were together for 9 months, in the beginning we went through some baby daddy drama but fought through it, he proclaimed he was here for the tough times that he wanted to be the man that was going to be who i wanted and that he loved me so much and wanted to marry me till we were old and grey. We had a ton of fun together, didnt always see eye to eye but we have such good chemistry and good times. Love him to pieces.
What should i do in this case, apply the no contact 30 day rule and follow 1-5 which i did. Next time i could contact him would be may 27th as that was the last day i spoke with him. I havent asked anyone about him i was good about not creeping his profile till i noticed he wasnt on it anymore, i kept my fb status upbeat positive fun, i re did my hair to look so good. I started making my home more elegant etc, and working out. I also started to sleep more, as i had a brand new baby. And i did not text him or message him after that day
Is there any hope left for us, that he will contact me or miss me or return to me for us to have a happy strong relationship??? or what do you think in your opinion i should do. I tried reading some of the above situations but none applied to me thus far. When i can contact him though, what can i say, and if he doesnt respond, do i still keep messaging him a week after???
I guess in my head i think, what if he finds someone 100x better than me and forgets what we had! How we made a good team and how good of a woman i was to him and his kids and him to mine. I really need some advice as my gfs provide no help and this website has eased some of my tensions.
Please help lol like everyone here,
also thank you for reading this it must take up hours or days to respond. But i so appreciate it, and i wasnt always a good woman but i am now and i dearly love this man to the moon and back. Thank you for any advise you give here.
Regards
Naomi~
Hey Naomi,
You do have a chance and you should follow the plan. There's always a chance that he will find someone else during this no contact period. But even if he does, that relationship will probably be a rebound and it will end soon. You should concentrate less on him, and more on yourself during this no contact period.
Hey Kevin
My girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me bc she said that I love her more than she loves me. So she didn't think it wasn't fair to me. But she has also given me other reasons like she doesn't want a relationship at the moment and wants to focus more on school and sports. I'm a freshman in college so I see her all the time and we talk a lot. She has told me that she still likes me and she texts me everyday. It's been about one month since she dumped me and I have recently asked her to the movies and she has said yes. Everything was fine and this was completely unexpected. I still love her very much and need your advice on what to do next. Thank you.
Hey Kevin possibly good update?
Well I am now 15 days no contact and I really am starting to feel great, independent, and confident again like for real this time because I actually have been focusing on myself. First few days of no contact sucked but its been getting better. I've even been talking to other guys and going on a few dates as recommended in the article. I really do still miss my ex and still have that interest in getting back together but I know its not the end of the world if we don't but I really do believe its possible. About 8 days into no contact my ex started opening my snapchat stories again after ignoring them for a week. I'm wondering if this was his way of getting my attention and indulging in his curiosity. Then just thursday i saw he tweeted "friends turning into strangers f 'em" pretty sure that was about me because I was like 11 days into no contact and after he tweeted this he stopped opening the things i posted. Do you take this as a good sign since he is still showing emotions? And what should I do next I know that I need to finish no contact and it works perfectly because I'll be back home (where he lives) from school a little before I finish contact so I think this will influence him to try to hang out like the last time I was home. What should be my moves to make the best effect while at home? And what should I do to increase is interest even more? And again is is anger and on and off ignoring and avoiding a good sign? Thank you so much for everything you have made this process so much easier.
Also I pretty know for sure that he isn't talking to anyone or doing anything really such as going out and having fun as I have.
You should contact him around one week after you reach home (so you give him some time to contact you first). I think you will do great. All the best.
Thanks so much:) and a week works perfect because that will meet my 30 day mark! I am really proud of myself and I thank you so much for showing me the way to get back to my normal self!! If he doesn't contact I was thinking of going with the something reminded me of you text. I'm hoping it will go well :) will keep you updated!!
I am doing the NC but she just texted me today. What should I do?
Don't reply. If she keeps texting you, tell her you need space and time.
Hey, so I finally met with my ex just after a month. I attempted to get back together, she said she was still confused about things and she doesn't want to hold me back. She doesn't feel the same. She thought that I was dating someone, and she said she was happy about it. She said she still cares about me and that she wants to be friends. So I am going to try being her friend. I am trying to move on, but I do not want her out of my life quite yet. We have had small talks over texts that were just casual, but that is it. I know no matter what that this will take a lot of time.
Any recommendations?
You shouldn't try to get back together when you meet her. You should be subtle in your approach. You should apply no contact for two more weeks.
I'm not entirely sure what else you can tell me that you haven't already written here. But, my ex and I have been broken up for almost two months. Not once in that time have I reached out to him, not through a text, a call, an email, a friend or anything. In fact, I deleted my Facebook and my Instagram and all of our texts.
That said, he hasn't reached out either. We accidentally ran into each other two weeks after we broke up and he texted me later that day saying although he has no intention of never seeing me again (because he "could never do that"), he said he wasn't ready yet to see me or talk...which is weird seeing as he ended the relationship. The split was civil and sad, but no begging or pleading or hysterics on my part. I let him go because I had no other choice. In fact, I know that we both need some time away from one another to grow as individuals, but I'm scared my feeling that we can work it out again isn't reciprocated. He can be so black and white when it comes to decisions that I'm afraid he's going to stick to this even though he may feel even an inkling otherwise. I've made a point to focus on myself this entire time. I've re-entered my yoga practice and workouts, I'm seeing a counselor to help me figure myself out even apart from our failed relationship.
I guess my question is, even though it has been 2 months of no contact, I'm not really feeling ready to speak with him yet. Should I continue doing what I'm doing? Do you think there is any hope?
If you don't feel ready, give it another month. But, if you want to get back together, you should eventually reach out to him. Yes, I do think there's hope.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He was in the army when I met him and was in Iraq the entire first year of our relationship. When he got back we moved in together and have lived together since then. We had our ups and downs but no more than any other couple up until the last 7 months. We grew apart while living together, it was actually me who pushed him away. I grew very depressed and really shut down barely talking to him when he was here and our romantic relationship ceased to exist. We grew further apart and eventually hit a breaking point. He broke up with me and has now found his own place and is moving out this weekend. He says he wants to remain in contact and be friends because we have a great group of friends who love to do things together during the summer and we don't want it to be awkward for us to all hang out. I want to remain his friend but I still love him. Even though we have been distant for awhile it hurts to have him leaving our home together. Do you think he will come back around and want to start a relationship again or should I abandon my hopes of one day being together and stay good friends with him? I feel as though he is only seeing the negitive in our relationship because things have not been great for awhile. Will he remember the good and come back or is this one I just have to let go? If only I could see the future.. Any kind of advice would help I'm just sort of at a loss right now.
Thank you.
Hey Stacey,
I can't say for sure what will happen but I do think you have a chance if you follow the advice in the article.
Hey Kevin,
We broke after 3 years and when I tried to talk things through in person she told me she won't be able to not want me so it will not be a good idea.. It will be a very anxious month for her and I let her cool but after two weeks of NC do I text her good luck before her first SAT exam? If she wants to meet after the exams should I see her?
Yes and yes.
Why is my comment stuck in moderation?
Hey Britt,
Sorry it took a while to reply. I've replied to you here.
Hey Kevin
Me and my ext were togethe for 16 months. We are both 22 years. I broke up with her this January with the idea to be just freinds and hopefully she would understand her mistakes and about a time we would be together again. Sadly she started searching for new boyfrined as soon as possible. When I asked her why so quickly, she became very angry and blocked me from fb and etc, and said we can't be friends if I ask her questions like this. Then I tried some desperate contacts via SMS but she was ignoring them. I called her one more time and she was even more angry and used rude words againts me. Since March she has a new boyfriend ( rebound relationship because she sent me naked pictures with both of them) and I applied no contact rule. After 30 days I called her to ask her to go grab something to eat, because I have a good occasion. She said no wished me all the best and so did I. After 5 minuts she called me as the angriest person on the world and again told me not to call her and etc and I hung up the phone. Is she really hating me or still hurt? Do I have still a chance?
She is still hurt and you do have a chance. You need to apply no contact again for at least one month.
She is no more with her ex, they had broken up before I called her. During the last converasion she said not to call her ever again and I think she really meant it. Yes she is still hurt, but I don't know how much time it has to pass in order her anger to be gone.
No one can say for sure, but I think you should give it at least one month.
I decided that I will try again as you said at least a month no contact. But what is the best aproach to contact her again as we already know that she was very angry the last time? I think I should try with the magic letter?
Yes.
Dear Kevin,
I have actually implemented the same steps as to giving my ex space and we ended up getting back together even after shes' dated someone else and after I pushed her away with the "mistakes" that I've actually committed. After giving her space, she realized that she needed me and that she loved me. Thank you again for saving a relationship.
Sincerely,
Brian
You're welcome Brian. I am glad I could help.
Kevin,
After 30 days of NC, if your ex has not attempted to make any contact with you, isn't that a clear sign they are not wanting communication with you?
I've been dating someone for about a year and a half (I'm 30 and he is 35). We've had a fairly happy and content relationship. There was normal disagreements but for the most part we enjoyed every minute together. For the last couple months I asked about the direction of our relationship. We both admitted early in the relationship we wanted marriage and a family one day but I was started wondering why he thought we were not ready. Finally he said, I feel like I'm holding you back from your dreams and broke it off with me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. He had been experiencing "mental blocks" toward marriage and kids and needed to sort things out. He wants me to move on with my life. He has not made any communication with me except a call to update me on the status of he's dog's diagnosis (we just found out he's dog is terminally ill.)
He has closed the door on trying to work anything out together. So my question is, is it worth spending 30 days focusing on no contact? If he wants me to "move-on," shouldn't I focus on moving on and never seeing him again?
Whether or not you should move on is for you to decide. You will be able to make a better decision when you apply no contact for 30 days.
Hi, Kevin!
My boyfriend broke up with me for the second time. First time was after 3 years of relationship and now after another 3 years. I was never able to get through the first break up, so I guess this leaded to the second one. It's been 3 months and I don't see any sign that he would want to get back together. I did all the mistakes you've mentioned and I all I got from him was anger and indifference. He sais he still loves me, but this is not enough to get back together, because if we get back together now, it will lead to the same conclusion eventually. The thing is, I don't really understand why he was ready to lose me twice even he loves me and why is he acting so awfull sometimes. I really can tell that he cares about me, because of the way he looks at me, but he still does nothing.. How can you love someone and still don;t care if you lose them for good? And all his dating and going out's, having fun every day just make me crazy. What should I do to make him see that the mistakes will not be repeated and it is worth to get back together just for the love we both share?
You should follow the plan. He does care about losing you. In fact, he doesn't want to lose you. You need to follow the plan to make him realize that.
Hi Kevin,
in my relationship everything was going good we would smile till our cheeks hurt we were excited about the whole thing we would see eachother every weekend and he would tell me he wanted a future together and all that jazz. then after we started getting really close he told me i was getting to attached this was my first relationship so i really didn't know how to react to that so i got more clingy in fear of losing him. we just stopped talking about a week and a half ago...we got into an argument because i told him off on some of his faults because he would do the same thing to me. and most of the things he would say he kept saying them only because his ex did wrong to him. I feel like i might have been a rebound girl but he told me i was better than his ex and that he loved me but still continued to compare me to her. also i guess we were not in the same places in our lives and he kept throwing that in my face. when he didn't even give our relationship a chance. now he deleted me off of Facebook lol and told me i had no respect. I still love this guy and i feel like what i said really deserved questioning rather then kicking me out of his life i haven't contacted him since the fight. do you think this is repairable? do you think he will ever talk to me again?
We say sexual things to each other but I'm going to stop doing that unless he asks me to hang out again
Sorry I meant to put this comment below.
Good idea.
Hi Kevin! Update on my situation...Well I texted him today asking a question about getting a replacement key for my rental car since my car is in the shop. My mom had a copy of it but she was at work and my sister took my key by accident and was in a conference. There was no way for me to go to work. He said no one can give me a key on demand so I said ok well my mom is able to come during her work break to get me the spare and just wondering if you had ideas since you know about car stuff. should i say anything else Kevin? Do you think he'll ask me to hang out?
Hi Kevin. Sorry. I texted him before I saw your response
I just said thanks for responding and hope work is going well. Should I do no contact for 1-2 months still?
I texted today just saying I booked my tickets to Europe for my cousin's wedding and how I like this song I heard on the radio that's country. He got me into country music. But he didn't respond. Do you think he ever will? He responded yesterday.
Oh Dear Steph.... You keep finding excuses to text him when you should be doing NC. Go NC right away for at least 1 month as suggested or you will keep pushing him away. And work on yourself in the meantime. Good luck!
Thanks Sarah. Kevin do you agree with Sarah? Do I have a chance?
Did you apply no contact? If not, you should apply no contact for 1-2 months.
Hi Kevin. I only applied no contact for 2 weeks. I will do 1-2 months. I hope this works. Thank you!
You think there's really a chance if I do NC? I'm scared that I'll never see him again.
And I'm scared he'll meet someone else and forget about me. Won't NC make him forget about me?
Hi Kevin. Tonight I was lonely and I sent him an email saying: do you ever read my email or texts/pics? it's really rude to ignore someone who has done alot to show they care for you and has always treated you with respect and kindness. Did I mess up for good? :(
All he said was yes. So I just said: ok. Hope you and your family are doing well. What do I do now? NC?
He just said thanks. Hope yours are too. Do I say thanks or just nothing?
All I said was thanks
Oh Steph Steph... you should listen to Kevin's advice, he knows what he is talking about. If you can't refrain from texting him when you feel lonely then you need to delete his number and block him on all your social media etc. At least until you are feeling stronger. 1-2 months at least as Kevin suggested. Follow the plan and don't forget just NC is not enough, you need to keep working on yourself in the meantime. You are coming across as very needy and desperate and you need to become happy and confident before you even try to win him back. I know it may sound impossible right now, but I was in your place and trust me, going NC for 2 months and working on myself worked miracles. Good luck!
Ok thanks Sarah!
We were talking yesterday and he started being silent in the middle of the conversation on gchat and I thought he was ignoring me but he was with a customer. He told me to calm down. Then we talked a little today but he's distant. At least he's talking though. I'm just going to give it time and let him make the initiating if that's what he wants.
Well Kevin him and I were talking for the past month again every day via text. He even said ok after I asked if we can hang out again but he never made plans. 3 days ago I didn't hear from him. I texted a lot asking what happened and please get back to me and I'm worried. He hasn't answered any of my texts the past three days. I sent about 7 the first day. 15 the second and 4 today. Do I go NC? It's so rude he randomly stopped again and I apologized for bothering him it's just I was worried or thought he was ignoring me. Do I have any chance?
Yes, go NC. It's a bad sign and it seems your chances are less. You should consider moving on.
I'm crying. I said: Remember that day I ignored you and you were sad? Well that's how I feel now since Tues since I last heard from you. Please forgive me. My parents and sister hate seeing me sad like this. You probably are happy not to see or talk to me but it's horrible for me. He hasn't responded.
I joined plenty of fish again (where I met him). In December I logged in again because he canceled one of our dates because I got home late from something else and I was tired of him not making many plans with me. Well he saw I logged in (without logging in.. I checked) and he got mad. I'm scared he'll get mad again but he has no right to because I haven't seen him in a few months and he hasn't made plans with me.
Ok. I'll go NC. I just wish that if he does talk to me again that he doesn't do this to me again. It's horrible. :-( I will move on but do you think there's a small chance?
I met his best friend's gf a few months ago at work. She came by. We were talking more and I realized it was her. I told her what happened with him and she said she'd try to do something. She talked to him a few days ago and he said he wouldn't give me another chance because all my texts were too much for him to handle. She said she would have done the same thing if her bf did the same to her and he said it's just too much. :-( when she emailed me telling me this I burst out crying. I sent him a text saying I'm sorry and the only reason I was contacting you because I was worried about you, missed you and wanted someone to talk to about my dad who has heart failure :-( he never responded. I know my chance is impossible but if I do NC do you think he'll ever change his mind? I know he was very much attracted to me. She thinks he's stupid for not wanting to be with me because I'm attractive, smart and have a huge heart and I know I won't act clingy or needy again.
Hey Kevin,
Me and my girlfriend split about 6 months ago. We had been going out for almost 4 years. We split because we were drifting apart, because she was moving to the other side of the world for 6 months in July to work. One of my reasons was she saw this particular male friend of hers (of whom I had my suspicions) more than me.
Anyway long story short yeah we were upset and she said she wanted to remain good friends as we had started out as best friends. She also said to text her every day after which I tried to do as well as I could. She said if we were single when she got back from her trip we could maybe continue going out. We met up for coffees twice monthly but would text in between after that.
I have only found out recently that she started properly going out with her suspicious guy friend in December and led me to believe that she was single and missed me but she kept this secret the whole time. They are both moving abroad for 6 months together now and I feel this has been the plan all along with them. She lied to me even when I've been there for her in the toughest of times, during and after our relationship.
I couldn't bear it any longer and I went round to see her to collect some stuff of mine she said she still has. I told her I knew all about her and the "usurper" and asked how long they had been together. She lied and I told her I don't think we could be friends any longer as I felt that the lies and hiding things from me and that her now going with him, (after I had suspected him and challenged her about him whilst we were in a relationship) was a stab in the back.
I apologized the next week (although I'm not sure why, I just didn't want to forever look like an a$$) and she accepted and wanted to remain friends. We are a lot more distant now for obvious reasons but I feel I was left with false hope that she has messed with head and my feelings and then discarded me like an old teddy bear.
I have two questions then: Do you think this "new" relationship is a rebound relationship if she was so friendly with the guy before?
What are the chances of me getting her back when she comes back from overseas?
Thanks,
Jake
Yes, it's still a rebound relationship in my opinion. You have a pretty good chance. Rebound relationships don't usually last long.
Hello Kevin,
Me and my guy were dating for about 5 months. Up until last month he promised me the world. He brought up marriage before I even thought about it. We never had any fights, and everything was always great. We are a long distance couple but still saw each other once a month. He began to act differently about a month ago. We broke up 4 days ago. He says that I didn't do anything and that he just needs to get himself together. I text him the other day basically challenging his reason why he wanted to break up. My question is, does everything you said still apply to long distance couples. I am hoping no contact will work because the only memories we have are good ones. Please help. Thank you.
Yes, it does.
Hi Kevin,
I just want to say thank you very much for posting this, I have been feeling very low and even suicidal and this helped a lot. I'm just wondering, how do you know your ex isn't just going to be glad of the break from you? What if they just want you out of their life for good and they've refused to meet you even when you've asked them for help when you're feeling dangerously low? I still think it's possible for us to have a long lasting happy relationship if he'd just give it another go. The problems were fixable. And he says he's just happy on his own and he doesn't want a relationship. Is the no contact rule still the right thing to do in this case? What if he enjoys it so much and is fine without me contacting him? Is there another option? Also his birthday is in the next month, should I ignore that too?
Hey Julie,
Yes, no contact is still the right thing to do. Even if he enjoys his life without you, it doesn't matter. What matters is when you meet him after no contact, he gets attracted to you again because of all the changes you've made.
Thanks for replying. So you think NC even on our birthdays as well?
If you want, you can send a short text on birthdays.
Okay, thanks, any advice on the wording?
Just a simple "Happy Birthday. Have a great day." or something of the sort. Make sure you don't have anything in the text that might start a conversation. Something like "How are you?" or "How have you been?", should be avoided.
Hey Kevin,
So I'm the one who screwed in my relationship and confessed everything to him. He was so upset and hurt and broke things off immediately. Who can blame him?? I've begged and pleaded my butt off to have him stay and he says he needs some time. Then he'll say he wants to see me then change his mind again! Since I'M the person who did the damage should I still wait 30 days?? He said he would let me know when he's ready to see me again. Like who am I to tell him I need space when I don't it. I could lose him by telling him that and make him question even getting back together. Idk what to do...
Hey Vee,
He broke it off with you. If you were still in the relationship, and he agreed to work things out, then yes, you didn't have the right to ask for space. But right now, you do have the right to do so. Start no contact without telling him. If he calls you, just tell him in a cordial tone that you need space and time to deal with the breakup.
Kevin,
So I signed up for relationship rewind from your e-mail. Is the letter the one that Ryan talks about in relationship rewind?
His letter is different from the one in 5 step plan. You'll get the letter in the 10th email.
Hi Kevin.
I just bough ur relationship rewind program and i read it all and nothing in there fits with my situation..
My ex is already living with someone else and i dont know how to get him back, how to pass from the "death's door" to the fake friends zone.. i have been away from him for 2 months and we didnt really end up and good terms.. so in the book it seems pretty easy.. but in reality how can i really look for him with out looking to needy.. how should i start a conversation... i can not send him a letter with out his new girlfriend finding out... the last time.. i texted him when i was drunk i told him that i loved him.. i love him and always will.... and he answered me "muah, i miss u" after that i felt very stupid and never say anything again.. i want him to comeback i want him to take the decision.. but i dont know what to do.. i understand about the friend zone and stuff but how can i implement that in my situation... i can not send the magic letter because doesnt fit with the situation i think... we already say "Goodbye , my love" soo many times that i have no hope... i dont know what to do anymore.. please reply
I think you can implement the techniques in death's door. You can use the message if you come across an opportunity that your ex might be interested in. If not, then you can simply send him a text as mentioned in the 5 step plan.
Kevin I need help
I think I am in a rebound relationship, but I really want to be with her.
The thing is she had a almost two years ex bf and he dumped her three times in total. The last one reasons was that he is going into uni so no time for her. After she got dumped I was three helping her out and suddenly I felt she is the one I have been looking for and I try to ask her out. She then reply she would, and this happen 1 week after her breakup I know this is very dangerous for me but I just felt if I can be with her I this very short time of relationship, it's worth it. After that I felt I should have done that and she always take to me about her ex. Then 2 weeks later she breakup with me . The reason was she still love her ex bf. at the very first moment she said I will be have a chance if I wait for her. But then we argue a bit. She finally said I was completely no chance and I was just a bit of fun after her relationship. But throughout the relationship she said I was completely different to her ex and she said it would be a hard choice for her if I know her 2 years ago. At this point, I have turn myself from needing her to wanting her so I have past the no contact time. With in this time she didn't call me text me but only when we meet she always try to talk to me as friend but I only answer her being blunt. So she got a bit annoyed at me. And i texted her saying she was the most amazing girl that I have ever met when I was drunk. i realised i was so stupid I want to move out from the rebound relationship I want my ex back I want to also how to secure a relationship. And I really need help
Hey Jesse,
Your chances are slim. You should give her space until she gets over her ex. You don't stand a chance until then.
Yeah I know most of my friends said that. I started talking to some girls and she act like interested in them, and I am not sure does she still like me or not. Also how can I tell that she has got over her ex bf ?
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I were together for 1 year and a half but were talking and got to know each other for a whole year before getting together. We were in a long-distance relationship and we are both 25 years old. We broke up 4 months ago and he has been seeing another girl before we even had broken up and is in a relationship with her now.
When we broke up it was more for practical reasons, we both still had feelings for each other and care about each other a lot. I tried to get some distance and avoid contact for some time (2 weeks) after the break up but we continued texting. He still writes to me from time to time (every week or second week) but he changes a lot –sometimes he seems nicer and other times colder. I tried to talk to him to tell him we could work the practicalities out but he doesn’t seem to agree. I’ve been trying to not answer his texts but we are on ‘ok’-terms so I’m thinking to start answering him.
I love him and wish he could give us a second chance because I know we could work things out, but he seems pretty serious with his new girl. I’m not sure what to do and hope you can give me some advice.
Thank you.
You should follow the advise in the article.
It's been a couple of weeks after this break up. I have already done some of the things you said not to do. Is there any way this can still be salvaged? Now he is just completely ignoring me. but if I start today do you think there is still a chance if I start today.
Yes there is.
My ex broke up with me a few days ago and its the hardest thing i've ever had to come to turns with, I honestly just expected him to always be in my life.
I'm about to start my final year exams at uni so trying to balance revision with how i'm feeling right now seems like such an impossible task, i've been spending most of my time trying to work out what went wrong and how I can prove to him things would change if we got back together again.
The reason he split up with me is not because of cheating or anything like that. There are several parts to it.
1) I have serious trust issues from other relationships, because they continually lied and cheated on me.
2) I get very stressed out around exams - i'm not the nicest of people to be around right now
3) we lived together at uni but i've been home for a month revising for my exams. I think we were struggling with being apart.
4) he's just lost two people very close to him, a close friend and his cousin. Both young (23 and 30).
5) he's only just found out that someone in his family may have cancer.
6) I was starting arguments for no reason.
Pretty much a lot has been going on in both our lives, i've had a bit of family problems myself also. I think a combination of all of the above plus more has just led him to give up on me. I think my behaviour towards him hasn't helped him in the slightest and probably made him feel a lot worse.
The problem is I really do love him, and I want him back, we have a lot of plans together - a holiday in 3 weeks. And we were moving to Aus together in Sept for the year. I feel like i've lost my best friend and my future.
When we were happy together it really was the most amazing perfect relationship and i couldn't ask for a kinder more caring boyfriend. He always tried to make me happy and buy me little surprises, or go the extra mile in helping me out with uni work or even just cooking me lovely meals. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him.
Additionally I do trust him - i never have thought he'd cheat on me or anything like that, but at the same time it doesn't stop me worrying.
He's got a lot on at the moment with funeral plans and being with his family. My first exam is on the 14th May and we're going to meet up after it and have a talk about everything face to face. I want to prove to him that we are good together and that I've never meant to be horrible to him or argumentative. The thought of him with someone else would really hurt me and makes me feel sick. I know I want to be with him, and I know that our relationship could go to being good again.
I don't really know what to do now. I've got 3 big exams and i know i cant throw everything away. But at the same time, he's the only thing that currently matters to me. I've had two long term relationships before this and i just accepted the end of them. I knew they'd run their course. But I'm not prepared to let him go. (I'm 22 he's 24). I would love some advice of how I can do no contact, AND still know whats going on in 3weeks time for our holiday!
Do no contact for 2 weeks and then contact him. If you have to meet him in May 14th, try not discussing the relationship and just try to have a good time. If you've already broken up, you shouldn't be discussing the relationship right now. If he brings it up, tell him you both need some space and time right now and it's not a good idea to discuss all the issues. Don't try to pressure him into getting back together. Let it be his idea.
Hey Kevin!
It's me again, but this time i really make it short, i've got only one question for you.
What do you think, what is the BEST reaction, if we call our ex on phone, we ask them for a meeting to catch up, and they say "YOU KNOW I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND" ? Cause i can't say 'hey we are friends', because friend is what i don't want to be! i can't say him 'why?' or any convincing talks.. should i ignore it with an "okay" ?
It's my ex's style, i am only preparing myself for the worst possibilities. When we first broke up in the past, and i called him after 3 days , he just kept saying this, even when we met, but after a 20-minute talk he finally admitted that he can't live without me.. but this time i don't want to convince him, i just want to spend some good time with him :( but maybe this is only a dream in my head..
I'll recommend you ignore the question. Or say something like, "Come on, it's just coffee. It doesn't really mean anything."
My boyfriend broke up with me like 3 weeks ago, and i have being calling and texting him since it happened,there hasn't being a day i wouldn't text him, he has being replying me though but in a rude and angry manner, this makes me cry always, i try not to call or text him but its soo difficult doing that.
You will have to do that if you want to get him back.
Hi Kevin
I need answer her texting with Good Morning, or not answer in no contact period?
Don't answer.
I have been talking and going out with a guy for six months. We never dated other people but also we were never official. When we did hang out it was fun and he was affectionate. I never slept with him because I didn't want to unless we were official. He respected that. In December I got upset because I saw on one of his friends' facebooks he delivered desserts to her work. I deleted him from facebook because I was upset. He explained to me she was just a friend and I need to trust him so I told myself I'd trust him eventhough I have trust issues because my ex bf of 2 years cheated on me.
He never added me back on facebook because he said he was mad I deleted it, and he said he doesn't like facebook much and he said I rely on it too much for reassurance. We talked every day mostly texting and sometimes he called. We saw each other once a week from end of Sept til end of January. He was stressed with a work project in February and became distant. He was out of town on business all of February and part of March. I know for a fact it was on business because my neighbor said he was out of town for the same project and works for the same company. Before his trip I mentioned being in a relationship and he said I was going too fast and he doesn't want to be serious before a trip because it didn't work out with someone else in the past before a trip. I was sad but I accepted it. During his trip he texted me every day and called a few times. When he came back we got in a fight because he didn't make plans with me and he said I didn't understand him that he's dealing with a lot right now and it's nothing against me.
I said I understand you're dealing with a lot but you could have made time for me. He said sorry but he doesn't have time to give me now because he's dealing with alot and he kept saying I don't understand him.. We didn't talk for about nineteen days. Then he started talking to me for almost two weeks without asking me to hang out. We got in a fight one night because he got mad that I said if I find someone who wants a relationship while he's in Oklahoma I'd go with him. I said sorry and I didn't mean it and I texted him a lot that night (I was in a crying spell) because he was ignoring me saying he won't respond to anymore of my messages and he called me crazy. I asked if we can hang out again and he said no that I pushed him too far. but then he apologized and said he forgave me. So we started talking again and I thought he'd ask me to hang out since he forgave me. Two weeks ago he went with his family on a trip and was talking to me during his trip too. He was talking to me every day the past few weeks until April 5 when I got mad that he didn't ask me to hang out when he came back.
I asked if he was seeing someone else and he said no. He never liked my insecurities and I told him I'm working on it and he knows I was cheated on by my ex and my dad has been emotionally abusive so that's why I've been insecure. I told him I was going out and he said cool. While I was out I snapped at him in a text. I said I'm moving on because I hadn't seen him in almost three months (I understand he was out of town for 6 weeks out of those two and a half months) but I deserve someone who makes more time for me. He never responded. I don't know if he just doesn't care or is shocked I said that.
I felt guilty for what I said so the next day I said sorry for being harsh I just am upset you didn't make plans with me. Every day this week I've been trying to get in touch with him and he ignores me so I've given up. I want him to see that I'm worth a relationship and worth spending time with again. The last thing I said to him was this is hell for me. He never responded. I am so depressed. I didn't contact him for 14 days and then this past Wednesday I emailed saying that I hope him and his family had a good Easter. He didn't respond. I can't concentrate at work and I come home and just lay down because I feel so empty. I've stopped trying because I don't want to seem more desperate.What should I do? Just give it time? Do I have a chance of him contacting me again and seeing that I'm worthy of spending time with?
Work on your insecuirity issues,men don't want a woman with one.
Yes, there's a chance. You should continue with no contact for another 1-2 months. I think you need to learn to be happy without him in your life before getting back in touch with him.
Hi Kevin. My ex broke up with me a few days ago. I really want to get back together again with him. The main reason we broke up is because i've been stressed over my third and final year of law school and he's suffered two deaths, both young and close to him. The problem is we have a holiday booked on the 24th of this month so I don't know how to go about the NC. Any advice please?
Do no contact till one week before the holiday. Contact him to gauge his level of interest. If he is cold, cancel the holidays. If he is warm and receptive, then ask him if he wants to go for it.
Hey Kevin,
I wrote you already, but you didn’t reply, I really hope you will help me?
My relationship with this guy was never defined. As soon as we met, he began to write me frequently. But from the beginning he said that he don’t want the relationship because he just break up one relationship, and does not like to rush.
However, he still wrote me often.
He lives in another city, so we rarely could see each other.
Our contact, (friendship) lasted 4mj
We were together our last month, but it was never official...(he was very undecided about us). Then he became cold and he told me that we should just be friends. I made all the mistakes you talked about,I was hurt.
And then he started to ignore me…
So now it’s been 1 month from our no contact ... and he just contacted me first. He congratulated Easter, and behaved normally. I waited a week and write him first, he responded immediately, and was pleasant, the next day he wrote me (first) again. (we have a lot of common hobbies, but we don’t talk about us)
But the problem is that it he is in another city, somehow everything is going slower and more difficult to arrange meeting. So it is harder to return to bliss stage. And I still don’t know whether he answered out of politeness, or he really miss me, whether he wants friendship or he really miss me??
I don’t know exactly what to do now.
I don’t know if I have the chance romantically with him?? Because our relation was short.
I am afraid that I will suffer again, because he meant a lot to me, and we were very close then.
Should I write him first and how often, or should I wait for him to contact me first? When should I try to arrange meeting?
Can you give me advice or opinion?
Thank you very much
Hey Martina,
There is a very good chance that you will get hurt again. It's possible that he is not yet over his relationship and he was just using you as a rebound. If you decide to pursue him, be prepared for another heartbreak. The alternative of course, is to cut him off completely and move on, instead of investing more time in a relationship with an uncertain future.
If you do decide to pursue him, contact him every 2-3 days and try to arrange a meeting after 1-2 months of contact (depending on how he responds and how much he initiates contact).
Thank you for your response, I appreciate it
I never thought of it like that (that he was using me as a rebound). Because that relationship (before me) didn’t last long ,6moths
I asked him whether he suffers for that girl still, he said –NO, he just don’t like to jump from relationship to relationship, and that now he needs space (but he behaved differently).
I think he was disappointed with all previous experiences with girls.
From the beginning I told him that I will give him space if he needs, because of a past relationship, and that i understand that.
But at the end he said that it's best for us to be friends.
I think he got the wrong image that I strongly want realtioship, maybe i done something wrong I don’t know? I really wanted give him space but maybe I fail in that I don’t know :/
And if you're right if he was using me as a rebound , why does he contact me again??
Now I can say that he write often, mostly first, in these few days he initiated contact, and it’s very cool to me
Should I be concerned that he only wants a friendly relationship, maybe he really just see me as friend?
If you are a rebound, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have any feelings for you. It means mostly that he does like you and you provide him comfort, but he is not over his previous relationship to fully commit to you.
Regardless, if he is not willing to commit to a relationship, and you do, then isn't it better for you to find someone who is ready to commit?
Hi,
First of all, sorry for mistakes - English is not my native language ;)
My boyfriend broke up with me last Saturday. We were together for 3 months.
Before we were together, he was trying so hard to be my boyfriend. I was skeptical. But eventually I said YES - it took him about 1,5 month.
In the beginning of our relationship he was very excited about it, I was cool and calm.
Those 3 months was great. We had so much fun together. We had the same plans to the future, similar opinions, we even share our passions. I met his family and friends. He was happy and excited. I thought he was very serious about our relationship... He said he adore me, I am unique, we are lucky that we met etc...
Suddenly, he became... strange. He had a distance. I made him told me, what's going on.
He told me: "I don't know what I feel. I don't know when I will feel something.
I don't know what I want. I don't know I am ready for serious relationship.
I am not happy with myself. I don't know what I want in life. I want to be alone.
Something is wrong with me, I am the one who was always dumped by girls... "
But he also said I am special. It's not easy to find someone like me and we understand each other without words.
He told we he had doubts before, but didn’t want to make me sad.
Seriously, he was REALLY happy. Excited. He smiled all the time. I know he really cared about me – he was so supportive… I saw it in his eyes that he care ;) He was even happier than me… and much more emotional.
Well... when it comes to feelings. for me it was too soon to feel... love? It was too soon to know: this is IT.
We even agreed to take things slow, when it comes to feelings...
I know, we are great together. We had so much in common. we are alike, and we understand each other. We had only one "fight" during our relationship. I know, we had chance for something REAL.
We respect each other and we had so much fun...
Maybe I became too involved? Too predictable? Devoted?
He also had some "crisis" - about job, life, everything...
In the beginning he was VERY excited. Is it possible, he only wants what he can't have...?
I don't know...
We don't talk to each other. No facebook, texting. Nothing.
We are going to see each other twice a week - same school dance...
I saw him twice - I said "hi" and that's it. He seems to me... sad? He hasn't that joy he had before…
Is there a chance for us?
Thank you in advance...
M.
There is a chance for you but I'll recommend that you don't waste any more time on him. You've just invested 3 months in the relationship and you don't know him well enough to realize whether or not he has the potential to be a long term partner. It'll be better if you concentrate your efforts in moving on.
Dear Kevin,
I am not sure if my question came up on this page? I asked about if the 5 step plan will work with my ex (he is 36 and I am 28, we were together for 3 years) as:
1) I acted distant and cold towards him during the last year of our relationship and almost intentionally pushed him away (due to that I was hurt by something he did). In the end he had enough and broke up with me. He told me that he has realized that he never really loved me and that he never wants me in his life anymore. This was two months ago. During this time I have gone from being shocked, to angry, to sad and begging desperately. There was a period where I stayed with no contact, but when we spoke after that he told me that the time without me is making him feel more and more sure about that we should never be together again.
2) We worked and lived together (and have for all the time we were together)
3) When he broke up I decided to come back to my own country for a while as I could not stand to work and live with him as he was dating other women from the next day. Also, at work he made it so hard to work with him. Now I regret to have left so fast as he has totally isolated me and is making it very hard for me to even get my job back. He does not let me come back even to try to solve everything to be friends. He refuses to even let me come back to the apartment to get my things, he tells me there is no need, he will send it to me. He is also very cold and between being angry and indifferent of my attempts to talk to him. I have tried everything. He refuses. I know he is going to therapy (and so am I to be able to become stronger)...and I think that the therapist has made him believe that we should not be together, that it is bad for him (as it was when he started therapy that he took the decision to break up). So...I really wonder if your method will work with him....I wish so. Do you have any tips? And is there anything additional I should think about when I apply your method due to our circumstances?
I am so confused, I love him deeply and wish I could have done things differently. I would be so grateful for your help...
Hey S,
I replied to your comment here.
Hey Kevin,
I just recollected that on those days that our relationship went bad, she used to play and sing the song by Pink, "just give me a reason" and she would point me by her finger when it said, "Right from the start you were a thief, you stole me heat and I your willing victim" and then singing the "just give me a reason, just a little one" part as loud as possible while nodding her head saying no! I truly hope after the severe argument we had and no contact she be still looking for a reason because I have already started making changes in me at least in my appearance.
Thank you!
That's cute. You'll give her plenty of reasons if you follow the plan. Cheers!
Hi Kevin! Did you get my long story and question? Please answer when you get a chance!
Hey Steph,
Sorry I can't find your comment. Is it possible to post it again? Please read the comments guidelines before posting.
Hi Kevin,
Just need a little guidance please. My ex and I were on and off for 18 months. Both been badly hurt in the past. He freaked out and said he wasn't ready for commitment but I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me. I made all the mistakes you've mentioned above. Now I know there are other girls he is dating and talking to. He plays hot and cold one week nice texts one week nasty ones, sometimes nothing. I haven't contacted him for 13 days now and am trying to focus on myself and improving myself. I also haven't heard from him. This is the longest we've gone without talking since we met. With these new girls, have I lost him for good? Or is there a chance I will hear from hmm? I still think about him everyday and don't feel that him not being in my life is right. Please help.
You haven't lost him and just because he is talking to other girls doesn't mean he will be over you. You should continue with the plan.
Hi kevin Sorry for writing a long paragaraph but please read it and help me out. I broke up with my gf a year ago and we were together for a year , everything was going fine for around six months But after things started going wrong because she also had a ex and i also have someone whom i love from my school days but never contacted her , she always talk of her ex and i used to think i should be with that girl whom i love and from there things started going erong and after a time my freind came into contact with my gf and he started playing games and she also used to talk to her , when i used to call her she seems to busy with him every time and i dont like this , he used to give him gifts also she used to take that Even after i say dont take but i had never cheated on her and didnt tried talk to any girl even with the girl whom i love .
So due to my freind things started going worst because he played games from both sides and manipulated both of us because he tells wrong things about us to each of us and we use to fight because of him. and one night i broke up with her. Then she was back with her ex and we both are in regular contact since then as best freinds because she always calls me when ever she is sad , in any difficulty or any other thing even when there is fight with her bf , in any situation if its small or big or even the most personal thing she shares everything with me only and same as i do. And i havnt contacted any girl since i broke up with her because i was happy with her and i want to be with only her i miss her a lot even though we both are freinds but i want her to be my gf . and when i talk to some other girl she minds and dont feel happy for this. Now recently she broke up with her ex and is alone, her ex was pathetic as she told me everything about her , i was unable to beleive how someone can be with this type of guy , he used to torture her and abuse her dosnt love or respect or even dnt trust her and She always used to cry in front of me then i used to make her feel good . is there a chance of getting her back?i always miss her and want her back. Hope u undrstanded my story
Hey Kevin,
I came to an extremely busy time in my life these past few months and I took my ex for granted. I was tired, distant, and unaffectionate. She found someone that was very sweet to her and it gave her the strength to walk away after dating me for 2 years. She was obviously so in love with me up until the end and always talked about getting married and whatnot. Her leaving stunned me. Before our relationship began I was aware that the longest she had gone without a relationship was 2 months. She hangs out with this guy a lot because I think it helps her not miss me so much. He asked her to be his gf and she said no and informed me about it. We've both struggled to stay true to no contact, especially me. Has periodically texting her and pouring my heart out over this last week or 2 been a deal breaker? Can I start now and have it work? She claims to be very confused but knows that she felt like she got to a point where she felt stuck. Do I stand a chance? Also, we are both going back to our same home town this summer and staying very busy with work while her new distraction lives 2 hours away. What is my % chance of her reaching out to me?
Yes, you do have a chance if you start right now.
Hey Kevin,
First and foremost I would like to thank you for this website. It has really helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I'm at a place in my life where I'm somewhat isolated and don't have close friends around to listen and give me sound advice. Reading the advice you've given here has really helped give me some perspective and focus on caring for myself.
My boyfriend (26) broke up with me (23) on the evening of the 14th of last month. We had been together for almost 4 years. Things had been especially stressful in our relationship for quite some time. I have been struggling with depression and panic attacks for years, he had been struggling with his job, his relationship with his family, debt, and caring for me when my anxiety was too much to handle. Basically, he was caring for me and taking on my responsibilities when he shouldn't have, and he snapped under pressure. I'm sure that me depending on him and being clingy was very unattractive. This was our second time ever breaking up (the first one only lasted a week and obviously nothing changed in such a short time). We had amazing sex the night he dumped me, slept in the same bed (though not closely), and I left the next day while he was at work. I was needy almost immediately after I left. I text him a lot and told him I missed him. I pleaded. I said I loved him. Basically, I did everything that you have advised against here on this site. I feel like it is important to share that for the first two weeks of this current breakup he was saying that he didn't know if we had a future or not, but that he was trying to remove the association of fear/anxiety/fighting from our relationship. I was respectful and tried to be kind during this time, but we were still seeing each other a day or two a week and I kept asking him about whether we were going to be together or not. Then one day he told me "I think I'm done" and said he was sorry. He said he was still attracted to me and loved me, but that he "can't take care of me" and needs to focus on fixing his life. We've spoken since then and seen each other so he could bring me some of my belongings, and our conversation was pleasant.
We were best friends in the realest sense when we were together, and if the way we interacted when he dropped by some of my things was any indicator, we still are. I had read some of your site and decided that avoiding speaking about our relationship was for the best. I had a lot of anxiety about driving because of a bad crash I was in, so I only recently got my permit after we broke up. When we hung out and he heard this, he seemed excited and offered to give me some driving lessons in his car (which I rejected kindly until I'm more skilled). Basically, he was friendly and happy when I saw him. Since then I've not contacted him except to ask that he brings our dog's food by when he can. I've been following the NC rule, exercising/eating more healthily to restore my body to its former glory, learning to drive, and trying to be more independent. I'm scared because of how I messed up during the first two weeks of the breakup and hope that "I think I'm done" doesn't mean that we don't have a shot of any romantic future together. I hope that taking better care of myself, therapy, and being more independent can help him think of our relationship of the truly amazing thing that it once was. When him and I met initially, he tried desperately to get with me for four months. I was the hot girl who was waaay out of his league. It drives me nuts being in this position.
Do you think that it's too late for us? Do you think that I have a shot at winning him back, and if so, where do I begin? Please give me some insight! Thanks, Kevin!
I don't think it's too late for you and you do have a shot. You already know what to do, just follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I'm into day 17 of NC, and am looking at the ways to reconnect with my ex, who broke up with me, after NC is over. In step 4, could you please clarify why we should add the part about "We both need some space right now"? If he respects my need for space, wouldn't he decide to not contact me? Similarly, if I text him again a couple of days after, wouldn't it look inconsistent on my part and be devaluing the statement about space? Also, if he does need space, I suppose he won't reply then, and how long should I wait until I try to text him about something uplifting?
Finally, if, after the NC period is over, we did not manage to chat much over text/email before we both attend a mutual friend's party, how should I be treating him, as a friend/acquantaince (like during NC)/the first meet-up (from Ryan's Rewind)?
Thanks~
Hey Natalie,
If it's a party which you both have to attend (i.e didn't plan on going there together or meeting there to catch up), then treat him as you would during NC. However, if you have spoken before the party, and decided to see each other at the party, then you should treat him as described in relationship rewind.
As for the letter, if you contact him one to two weeks after the letter, it doesn't look inconsistent. And most of the time, exes can't resist the urge to call you after receiving the letter. Sometimes, they call to let you know that "they" don't need space anymore and it's OK to talk to them.
Idk if you will reply at all but I have a situation I didn't read like anyone's here. Two and a half years ago I was coming out of a relationship, my friend, who is 22 nowI am 30, wanted to start a relationship. I have two daughters and never really allowed him in the last 2 to have a say in raising them. We both work, we both contributed, it took me awhile to let him in, but I once did things were really good. About 4 months ago he said he needed a break, didn't move out, then about. Months ago, even though we continued to sleep together and nothing really changed, he moved out. He is younger than me but his childhood was not the best. He told me he did everything he wanted to and he was ready to settle down. I have broke all the rules and text and call and text and call for the last two months. We sleep together once a week. Its been 10 days since wehaven't. I can go3 days without talking but since we work together, iI end up asking him over and over about us. He told me that he doesn't miss me, he has no want for me, and that he never thinks about me. Its been 3 Days since we have talked, we work together, he has no problem walking right by and pretending I'm not there. I don't know how to do that. I want to stop and ask him questions. Everyone says he is just too young, I don't believe that because he was younger two years ago. He also tells me all he ever asked for was for me to give him time to figure out what he wants, and to not ask him about us, but all I asked was to date me, text me goodnight, not throw me out of your life completely. Now I feel its too late. What do I do to pretend he isn't there? Won't he leave me behind if I leave him alone?
Hey Stacey,
Chances are, he will leave you behind if you keep on pushing him. Leaving him alone will increase your chances of getting him back. My guess is he is too young to settle down and he is having second thoughts about his decision. You should give him space and accept whatever he decides.
Hey kevin,
My ex and I dated for 3 almost 4 years and are in love. He kissed another girl about 4 months back and feels like scum for it. We talked about it, and I thought we concurred and got over it. I forgave him for that, and everything else. but recently, he said he cant be with me because he hasn't forgiven himself for all the pain hes put me through and all the tears he's made me cry. The past weekend when we hung out he broke down, said hes in love with me he's going to show me its okay to trust him and love him again. that he wants us to work and if he let me go it would be the biggest mistake of his life. but 2 days ago ( 4 days after he said all that) told me that he can't be with me because he cant forgive himself. He said today that he still loves me and it is going to be the biggest regret letting me go but he has to because of the pain hes put me through. Is there hope for us ? Advice..?
Please and thankyou.
p.s he wants to hangout this weekend because I told him I want to talk..
I think the reason he is giving for breakup is BS. But I can be wrong. Regardless, you should follow the plan. If possible, cancel the plan to hangout. If not, then start no contact after the weekend.
Hi Kevin,
I texted him today after 6 weeks of no contact and he replied almost straight away which I was really surprised about. The responses I got were pretty neutral but it has been a long time so I guess thats to be expected. We had a small conversation of about 4-5 texts each. Should I wait for him to initiate our next conversation? And if he doesn't how long should I wait before contacting him again?
If he doesn't, you should contact him after 4-5 days.
Hello Kevin
My story is that I've met this girl at work and we became like best friends after 4 months and after a while we both started to have feelings for each other. She left her bf for me but I didn't really show any reaction to that. So after a month things got really close and I finally decided to be my gf and she accepted (Even If i hadn't , she would ask me in less than a week or 2 and I'm 100 percent sure of that)
So we went out for 2/3 weeks and I noticed that she became a bit sad in our relationship so I had a talk with her and let her chose if she wants to still go out with me or wants to be good friends like we used to be. After hours of crying she mentioned that she still wants to see me everyday and be out together like we were bestfriends before and blah blah.
After a day I realized what I mistake I made and I decided to talk with her ; Turns out she is afraid of being too attached to me and end up hurt OR she loses interest in me after a month or 2 and she doesn't want that and wants to stay between girlfriend and bestfriend (She all said those stuff). I tried talking to her about "Keeping a relationship" by giving her a bit of ideas of how to keep the relationship alive but then she said "by being in a relationship as gf , I might lose you but I can always have you when we are friends and I love you so much". In the end I asked her If the relationship is worth continuing and she said that "let's keep things this way for a while , I'll ask to be back together later If i had to". That made me a bit mad because I was like "Why did I even talk to her and made myself look like I care" but then again it reminded me of a relationship i screwed because I just "let that person go" without trying to keep her.
So It came to my mind that If she wants me everyday at work (basically we got each other only at work and we only spend time together all the time) , I'm gonna take it away from her...
Later at night she texted me "I don't wanna see you sad" and I ignored her then after 30 mins she texted me "A guy's name , Gn" and I was sure that was on purpose just to make me jealous.
I refused to answer her phone call and we were supposed to go to work together (She called me like 60 times and texted 5 times) so in the end she said that "Don't be an ass and give me a call" so i called her and I said I was tired to go to work and I didn't see you miss calls etc.
Then again later at night she texted me some stuff about me turning to an ass and i responded to her somehow saying that "I don't need to contact you like I used to because It's obvious why..."
The next day she started dating someone else and I will eventually see her sooner or later at work (We have same places to go at work) ; The thing is should I go no contact with her (calls / SMS) or should i actually act cool in front of her like nothing happened?
She liked me and I liked her and things were perfect except the fact that we both had the feat of losing each other after a relationship and we decided to be friends to have each other and now It makes me mad and sad.
Should I act like we are still good friends or I should go N/C ; I'm not sure if things would go well in future even If we go out together but I know that we were perfect couple together so that's why I'm unsure If i should keep her as a friend or i should go N/C -> At work we would only hang out with each other back then but now she is now dating and she probably won't spend that much time with me after work like we used to because It kills her too to be "Just friends" with the person she likes but then again she is dating someone else and she is a great match for me .
What's your opinion?
I think you should do NC for a while.
Hey.. I will try to sum this up..
My ex and I broke up officially in November (we had been having a rough patch for awhile). We dated for over a year and lived together. I am 23 and he turned 26 last week. We still talked a little bit at that time. He got me a really nice gift for Christmas and we hungout a few days after Christmas, we talked about getting back together.. A couple days later he completely changed and said we shouldn't talk anymore. I became very needy and naggy and pushed him to being really hateful and he told me to never talk to him again. I listened and didn't say much other than him getting the rest of his stuff from my apartment (we had lived together). We haven't really talked since January. I found out last week that he has a new girlfriend. Is that a rebound? What do you think I should do? We have done NC for 3 months.
I think you should wait another two weeks and get back in touch using the letter mentioned in the plan. His new relationship is probably a rebound.
I have a couple more questions Kevin. Let's say I do no contact for 2 months, which I'm currently doing it's already been 22 days, and what if he does not contact me at all? Will it make trying to get him back harder? Also, at what point after no contact should I give up? This is my second attempt trying to get him back the first attempt was unsuccessful, he basically said wanted me in his life but he does not want a relationship
Hey Mimi,
I don't think it'll make it harder to get him back if he doesn't contact you. What's more important is how he responds when you contact him after no contact. As for when to give up, it's for you to decide. How long are you willing to pursue him? I'll recommend set a time limit for yourself. If things don't work out till that time, you should cut your losses and move on.
Thank you so much for all your responses I really appreciate it!
hey kevin,thank you for your very useful article and emails that you daily send to me.i did all u said and after a month of no contact he sent me a text message and then as u said i followed ryan rivers steps and all the communication lines are open between us,i told him i'm happy that we can be friends and he seems more interested in chatting and talking about good memories and everything.he sometimes speaks all emotionally but i'm really in control to be just friends.he even sent me a message that was indirectly telling me not to leave him when he was drunk (although he was the one who broke up with me).anyways he asked me to go out but its impossible for us to go with a group of friends,cuz my friends are not around and i know that his friends are not interested.am i breaking the rules if it's just the two of us in the first face to face?please tell me what to do,i'd really appreciate it.and thank u again for everything i never thought i would ever see him or talk to him again.you are like a miracle in my life.he has not mentioned that he wants to get back yet but the situation is really better now and i think chances are.
It's OK to go out with him when it's just the two of you. Don't worry about it. Just make sure you are not needy when you meet him.
thanks for responding,you are amazing.
hey kevin,
we went out and he started crying from the first minute.he said he thought he could never see me again.i didn't act
emotional and started talking about funny things that he enjoys,then again he started talking about our breakup and how
hard this is for him and how he's been drinking like every night.he said he can't forgive himself for breaking my heart.
it was so hard for me to control myself i said i forgave him and i also cried.he said he told every one that i was the
only one that he loves.his family and friends don't accept me as his girl friend and that made everything so hard.and he
tries to make me understand that this was the problem.i know i shouldn't have cried but i couldn't handle myself.i didn't
say anything about getting back together,neither did he.i just said i don't want him to keep drinking every night and hurt himself,i said
this things happen,breakups happen,and it was hard to stay in a relationship like that.we are going to go out again next weekend.please tell me what to do?does he really love me
or he was just trying to find out if i still love him? what should i do now that he knows how i feel?is there a chance that he wants me back? please help
i'm 22,he is 27 and we were in a relationship and bliss for 14 months.
You did well. Next time, try to keep it light and have fun. Don't mention getting back together, let it be his idea.
Me and my ex were engaged and were together for three years (2 children). We broke up 7 months ago, bc he "needed space". We still do everything as a couple and he gets upset when I expect him to act a certain way all the time. I did all the things you shouldnt do when you break up with someone, and i dont know if the no contact thing will be right in my situation. he said he loves me, just not in love anymore. He also said in the future he would b willing to make it work if i give it time and stop "pressing the issue". Its hard not to press the issue. And how much time is he looking for? Its almost been a year and nothing has changed! Now he said he wants to get his own apartment instead of moving back home with us. What to do? I am so confused. Sounds more like he is moving on and could care less about working anything out.
You should apply no contact. Read this article to learn how to do no contact when you have kids.
yesterday i sent an e-mail to my ex just to ask about my things i have at his place. Because last weekend i heard from an mutual friend of us that he was asking about me and asking if i was with someone or see someone. He jumped right in to a new relationship about 1,5 months after our breakup, which is about 2 months ago. We were together for 5 years. I tried to get back with him, but he was saying that he needed some time to think, while he was actually in a relationship with this new girl.
So, yesterday i send an e-mail asking about my things and he answered right back and said of course no problem you'll get your things. Than he was just asking me about last weekend when i was at a party with some mutual friends of us and he kept asking if i was with someone or if i went home with someone that night. I was so surprised about this because just 3 weeks before he told me he didn't want any contact with me at all.( his new girl also contacted me and told me to stay away) So I didn't contact him for 3 weeks. Now im just so confused and the feelings all comes back again. I don't know what to think or what to believe. Should I just keep in touch with him, or ignore ? Why is he so interested in who im seeing when he is in a new relationship ? Is he in a rebound relationship? Seems like everything is going really fast between them. I really need your help and guidnes because Im still so in love with him. He also moves to another country in two months and will be away for a year. His new girl will not move away with him.
Yes, he is in a rebound relationship. He is interested in your dating life because he is afraid of losing you forever. You should follow the plan.
Kevin, I've signed up to your e mail and sent you a message.. It was quite long but i haven't heard anything. I'm so sad, please help. I am relying on your plan just to get me through. Please respond, i realize you are busy. x
Hey Daisy,
Can you post a shorter version of the message here?
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago because he said that he cant trust me since I went to a party without him and a girl made up a story that I flirted with an ex of mine. He told me that he still loves me and that he still wants to be with me but he feels that it was the right thing to do. I didn't talk to him after he left my house but then the next night he texted me saying he missed me. I didnt see it until the next morning and it was already too late, he got control of his emotions. I broke some deadly rules and then gained composure and spoke to him about what went wrong and ways we could fix things but he told me that he still couldn't trust me and he didn't want to try again. That day we ended up agreeing on being friends with benefits and thats what we are as of now. He'll still do things that shows that he cares, like rub my face, or tease me, or cuddle. He even called me tonight to ask me if I was ok because of something I tweeted. But he told me that he doesn't want me to be sad about the break up and that he doesn't want me to move on fast but that's just him being selfish. So he's still set on us not being together although he doesn't seem like it's what he really wants. But he still wants me in his life and now that we're friends with benefits it's an even stickier situation. I don't know what to do, please help me
hi Kevin ,
I have started NC for 2 weeks . My ex started to text me 'How are you?' a few days ago , but i ignored him. A few days later ,he texts me 'HI' .Should i reply him telling i m good or just ignore him until i finish the NC period ?What should i do ?
Continue no contact. If he keeps on texting, tell him you need some space and time right now.
Hey Kevin,
I'm doing everything you said. However, I did text her only three times today. Each of them was a reply. Like I said before, I have to see her this weekend because of her child's birthday. All I said in the text messages was a few sentences saying if you need help setting up, let me know. That's basically it. She seemed kind of cold and a little confused as I have not really been talking, texting, or commenting on any of her online stuff. I have been trying to do NC but, as I said before, I broke it today and will most likely will have to break it tomorrow and Saturday. After that, however, I will begin NC again for about a month. So now my question is...what do I do when I see her this weekend? I've been trying to not say anything to her or keep the talks short and sweet. But I would really love your advice on what to do this weekend. Thank you for helping me through this hell, Kevin. You've been a real help.
Hey,
Just be friendly but don't talk about anything related to the relationship or breakup. Be upbeat and have a good time. Don't try to flirt with her or get close to her.
Hi Kevin,
So since I rushed with the whole dog walk thing, things have moved along. I've gotten a job, bought some clothes, gone out with friends. Don't know if in the right direction, but nevertheless. I brought our dog to her grandmother's house where she lives. We had coffee, that was supposed to last for 20 min but ran for almost an hour. We talked about everything but "us". I was the one who had to break off actually, and she walked with me for quite a bit before turning around and go back. It was nice. I had agreed to stay with our dog the day after, but I wasn't able to due to a one time request from my sister. When I told her that, she got a bit cold. Morning after our dog went to the hospital to undergo surgery due to having inhaled something. She didn't tell me right away, and I only found out later. I was disappointed with her but then when we were at the hospital to pick our dog up, I asked her to tell me next time. She admitted to being angry with me because I had failed the responsibility I had set out to. I said sorry, she said sorry for not saying anything. She has also failed on occasion, setting pick ups at X time and only arriving an hour or two later. Last time I told her that once more she had preferred silence to telling me the actual hour of the day she would pick up our dog. That I only asked respect from her, something she wasn't doing. She apologized and said I was right and came to meet me. She sat down and drank coffee (I didn't ask her to), told me about what she has been doing and asked me the same. We were there for about an hour, and it was nice. While telling me a story about a dog rescue, she grabbed my hand to touch a moskito bite in her hand. Later she cuddled my arm for a bit to simulate what she did to the animal.
Other day later I met her at the docks to pick up our dog, and she was there with friends. I stayed for a coffee and beer, it was very nice and I caught her staring at me from time to time. She paid me attention, and at the end she paid for everybody's expense, including mine. I was a bit uncomfortable and one of her friends said I would pay the next time around. That day I met her with new clothes on, and she instantly noticed and mentioned it. She seems to like them. Asked me if I would like to see one of the dogs we helped from the shelter, because his owners where going to bring him for her to see. I said yes. Yesterday I went out, and she also went out. She had told me she was going to, and the places where she usually goes. I told her that if she wanted, she could tell me where she was. She didn't, and I didn't ask. At 5.Am she sent me a message reminding me of seeing the dog we helped from the shelter. I showed up and later talked about what we did the night before. She asked me to keep our dog for the later part of the day, because she was going shopping for clothes. It's curious that she decided to get new clothes 48 hours after seeing me with new clothes. Anyway, she came to pick up our dog at night. I had noticed that it's only the odd time that she kisses me in the cheek. The other times she just touches cheek with cheek. I was playful and asked her why I didn't merit a kiss on the cheek, and she said she usually doesn't kiss anybody on the cheek. Then she kissed me on the cheek, and vice versa. She smiled at me, blushing a bit.
One thing that really hurt me though, was that I noticed that she put a like on her exe's (one before me, from like 6 years ago). It was a selfie on some car, and he says "Waiting is a virtue". This guy is actually an asshole that treated her wrong, and she knows what I feel about him. This guy has been putting like after like on every fucking thing she puts on Facebook. I have kept my cool though and haven't asked her anything about it. From what I know there's nothing going on and they haven't been together. But I'm not the all seeing eye. I think essentially he's smelling blood in the water and is trying to make juice out of it. But it hurts that she would give this piece of shit any attention honestly.
Part of me wants to believe that it's just bait. A couple of girls have suddenly started putting like on every photo I put on facebook. Maybe she got jealous and tried to hit back a bit? Hell I fucking wish.
Help me out Kevin, the complexity of the chain of events has been going up. I'm starting to doubt myself a bit, maybe because I'm too eager or too stung by the facebook stuff. I don't ever show it to her, but honestly Kevin I'm feeling a bit nervous again. I talk a good game, but I think about this leading nowhere and my heart twists a bit more.
What do I do? Thanks Kevin, you've been a real source of motivation.
She put a like on a facebook picture from a rapper. A letter written by unknown to his gf/wife.
"If one day I marry... I would prepare a box! It would have the date of our marriage written on the side of it.
Inside the box we would put a bottle of wine from the year we started dating, and two sealed love letters, where we would write the reasons why we fell in love.
If one day things get too tough, and our love weakens, we would open the bottle. We would drink the win and read the letters we wrote.
This way we would remember how much our love means, and that we should never give up on it."
Now granted we didn't get married, and we didn't put a bottle of wine inside of the box. But we do have a red box, where we put some things we wrote and kept some memories. I put the box in one of the bags that she took with her. I also put a t-shirt of mine that she loved to wear. Anyways, what the hell am I supposed to take from her putting a like on a letter that is all about not giving up on love. I thought about putting a like on it too, but I didn't. Don't know if I should...
Don't obsess over her facebook activities. It defeats the purpose of no contact.
Don't lose your cool. If you become needy, you'll push her further away. Keep doing what you've been doing and take things slowly.
Thank you brother.
so me and my ex we've lived together for 3 years and then i moved to another country, after i moved we stopped talking for about 4 months and she came back so i gave in and we got back together and decided to have a "long distance relationship" its been a year now and i saw her in december (everything was perfect) but now its may and its happening all over again, shes left me once again and keeps saying "its not you its me, im emotionally exhausted" and telling me that i didnt know how to love her, we made plans that this summer shed move to europe and we'd finally be together! her family cant stand me but we never let that get in the way of anything... Shes in a dark place in her life and i just want to be there for her? This entire year since we got back together ive done nothing but try and perfect myself and adjust myself to her needs and be whatever she needs me to be... how could she just up and leave me like that after we were 2months away from finally getting to be together? I'm her first love and real relationship. what if she's realizing I'm no good for her? I've proved that id do it all for her. Why is she doing this to me all over again after she came back. What do i do?
We had plans to marry. My attatchment to her grew because after my father passed away she took care of me, she's been my guardian angel and i cant lose her. Please help me find out what to do Kev.!
Much love from Denmark x
adding to my coment i recently gave her 2weeks space because she had an upcoming wedding but now the wedding is over and the minute we started talking again it was full of frustrations and anger between the two of us.
You should start no contact again.
You should follow the plan Madox. I think you became a little needy and doormat during the relationship which made her attraction fade away.
you think ive got a chance again after the no contact?
Yes.
hey man, i just wanna say thank you. I think your doing a great job giving out advice and your one of the few that actually interact with your readers!
It's good to see people like you out there willing to put time into helping others!
Peace love and prosperity!
Thanks for the comment and the kind words madox. Cheers!
Kevin I made it is no contact even though I was no wait a little longer before contacting her. I was going to wait longer before contacting her but I felt something on TV that made me want to ask her how her family was door. She replied quickly that her family was okay and she said thank you for asking. Then she replied and asked me how my new job is going. So I stayed positive and even told a little joke within the conversation to make her laugh. She replied back and the conversation short and sweet and I felt pretty good about myself. She even asked me a question later on in the day when she could've asked my sister but that conversation with also short. I guess what I'm getting at here is she texting me because she misses me or is she texting me because she's relieved that I'm not mad at her because during the no contact rule we have a phone bill together and when she tried to contact me I wasn't short but I was distant and played it cool. I know it sounds silly but these baby steps are hard to do but I know it needs to be done if I'm going to get her back. Anyway thanks for your help and believe it or not I have gained some confidence back in myself.
Kevin, please help!
My ex and I of a year and a half broke up 6 weeks ago. We're still friends on Facebook and he still has all our pictures and my posts up. I've been posting positive things, he's posted nothing. I had a successful text on Easter which he responded positively to but we have had no contact since. Just yesterday though I saw he created an online dating profile on the site we actually met on originally. He even used pictures from our relationship including ones from our trip to Peru together, a wedding we went to where my arm is in the picture next to him and even one from our anniversary! Why would he do this? Is he trying to hurt me? Do I still have a chance with him? I'm so confused. Please help!
Btw, his reasoning for the breakup was "I really love you and this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make but when people ask if we're getting married, sometimes I see it and sometimes a can't and when I think if you're the 'end all, be all' I have a gut feeling something isn't right". He was teary eyed when he was saying this (though he hasn't cried in over 7 years) and when I was leaving he asked to walk me to my car but I turned him down and walked away. I also went 28 days of no contact before that Easter text.
Hey Brenda,
You shouldn't be obsessing over what he does online. It's possible that he is looking to start dating again. He has all the right in the world to start dating again. So do you. You should not let it bother you. Even if he does date someone, it doesn't mean he will start a relationship with her. Even if he does start a relationship with someone, it'll probably be a rebound. You should stick to the plan.
Hey kevin
Me and my boyfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago. I broke up with him because after a minor fight that we had, he said his feelings for me faded. He said that he felt that he is not dating material or a good boyfriend. He also said that he'd rather be friends, so I left.So now we're "friends", yesterday we met up to study together (which was our "thing" as a couple)...long story short, he kissed me and said he'd rather have a friends-with-benefits relationship because he doesn't want either of us to get hurt....when we talk, I always have to start the conversation n that makes me feel like I'm annoying him.
We were dating for 3 months, I know its a short time but I really fell for him. And now I want him back. Should I do the NC rule? Won't he forget about me?
I replied to your other comment here.
Dating for 2+ years. I've lied to her a few times over little things. Not proud of it. I know a lie is a lie.We were Trying to work things out. Now she's saying her feelings are numb. She's been hurt so many times it doesn't even phase her anymore. I do nice things for her like, write her a nice letter and leave notes and since she's feeling so numb it didn't even give her any emotion. It's all about the trust thing. I've been changing and doing the right thing. She says that she doesn't know if this is how she really feels or it's just how she feels right now. She wants to take things slow and see. I guess it's like she wants to be in a relationship with me but since she doesn't trust me it's too hard for her. She said that all the nice things I've done, was only because she told me she liked those things. She doesn't think they're genuine. I meant everything I did from love notes to random I love you phone calls. What should I do? I know it's on her and I'm always just going to be truthful from now on. I want to continue to do nice things to show her I really mean them. What do you guys think? Please help
You should apply no contact Justin. IF you keep making these gestures right now, she will just think that you are doing it to get her back. You need to let it be her idea to get back together. Follow the plan.
Hi Kevin
I was with her for 12 months and everything was perfect then just after xmas her estranged husband put pressure on her to end it with me and get back with him (he has a financial hold over her) She then went through a series of bad events, job loss, family death, ill health etc. I tried to support her but she kept going through periods on not contacting me for a few days. She then ended the relationship saying she still loved me and in an ideal world wants to spend the rest of her life with me but that it wasnt an ideal world and she didnt want to hurt me anymore. I crumbled and took her flowers a couple of days later and we got back together. She made me promise to be strong and always fight for her if she started to go under again. We had a good couple of weeks then she ended it again saying she needed to find herself. I accepted this and felt ok about it then she texted me and said she didn't want it to be over and could we call it a break. I agreed but then she arranged to meet up and we spent some nights together before she started ignoring me or saying she was too busy to see me. I made the mistake of keep asking her to see me until she turned round and said She was sorry but shes got too much to think about and doesn't have time for me (her estranged apparently issued divorce proceedings) I said I understood. I sent her a couple of texts over the next two weeks which she ignored.
Following a chat on line with a mutual friend I got a text from her a few days ago saying I should "move on" We still have keys for each others house and I have some of her clothes.
Any Thoughts please?
Hey Nigel,
She is going through a lot and you should give her time and space. Apply no contact for 2 months and contact her after that.
hey Kevin, i dated him and we broke up after a week. we got back the next week and we dated for four weeks in total. After 4 weeks he suggested we break up. We did and ever since then i kept no contact until now. its been 5 days since the break up. he only tried calling once and i didnt answer.
Is there hope that if i follow the plan he can come back to me? This guy has been in a 2years relationship with someone else before we met. was i a rebound relationship?
It's possible you were a rebound. I don't think it's worth trying to get him back. But if you do decide to pursue him, make sure you just try it once and if it doesn't work, you should consider moving on.
I posted a comment on April 28th and I haven't gotten a response yet. Please help me.
Thanks
Things are really tuff for me right now and I could really use your help. Please get back to me.
Thanks,
Jake
Sorry for the late reply Jake. Somehow I missed your comment. I've replied to you here.
Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jake
I really need some advice
My boyfriend broke up with me last night saying it doesn't feel the same anymore
I have made some mistakes you have signed to but I don't want to look desperate anymore
I get to see him every day we have to same classes I really need your help
Hi Kevin,
I had a great guy but couldn't get past my ex so I broke up with him. He was hurt and started seeing someone else. I did everything wrong, stalking, fighting, begging, and forced him to get back with me. We were planning on moving together, but I found out he was still spending time with the other woman. I broke up with him and again did so many things wrong, including harassing the other woman. He moved, I didn't. I believe he still cares for me, says I'm the love of his life, but I think he is scared of me and thinks of me as desperate/ needy. How do I handle this if he isn't even in the same city? I want him back.
Hey,
You should still apply no contact and get back in touch with him after one or two months. When you get back in touch with him, make sure you're no longer desperate or needy and he will notice the change in you.
Hello,
I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm 28, and he's almost 36. We dated for about seven months. He told me a couple of months ago that he was too busy trying to pass his classes, and that he wanted to be friends, etc. because of that. I wrote him a lengthy message explaining that I didn't want to take up his time, that I always tried to help, that I didn't expect him to spend all his time on me, etc. By that night, we were talking like a couple again, and I thought everything was okay again.
Last week he pulled the same thing...let's be friends because of school. I didn't write another long message-- just a short one explaining that I'd missed him. After that, he said he missed me too, xoxo, etc. I feel like he WANTS to date me, but that he feels like I'll distract him. I'm wondering if NC would be best, or if it would be better for me to send a letter (or something) explaining things then just saying que sera, sera. It wouldn't be a sappy letter or begging. I just feel like we break up, then we keep on talking like we are a couple. I'm not sure what's happening except that he wants to date me but feels like he can't. I don't know what to do, but I want him back, even if that means we have to see each other less for a while or be creative. (I'm in school too...was in the same program as he is, and I know how it can be.)
Thanks for any advice/insight.
I think a little no contact will make him miss you and it might make him rethink his decision.
Hi Kevin,
Firstly can I say, what a great site! I do have a query though.
My partner broke up with me two months ago (we were together for 3 years), when we broke up, I did most of the deadly mistakes! He said he still wants to be friends, and that if we were to try again, we would be starting from friends. We still messaged each other every day, only as friends, and he would ignore me if I talked in depth. (So, I havnt had a period of no contact.)
He told me he is sleeping with someone else, after I asked, two weeks ago. I retaliated with I am on dating websites. He got angry that I was going to "look for someone", as opposed to with him it "just happened."
We met for lunch, as friends, and I was hoping to reconnect, we did, and the lunch went great. He said he really wants me as a friend, and doesn't want me to leave his life. I said it would be hard, knowing he is sleeping with someone else, but he refused to stop if we were to be friends, as doesn't know what will happen between us.
I came home upset, and deleted him from social networking sites, and have started the no contact phase. I am now worried he will think I am moving on, and I have pushed him away further.
I do not know what to do in this situation. Should I have carried on with our friendly meetings, as it went well? By me now not contacting and deleting him, have I made things worse, as he will carry on sleeping with this person? It just hurt too much to carry on being friendly, even though he said he wants it, and would hate it if I cut him out. I don't know if I am hopeful, but it seems he doesn't want me to move on and he is in rebound.
I am stuck between deciding between choosing to carry on no contact or go back to being friendly with him for reconnection, and how I fix what has happened!
Kind Regards
You should definitely do no contact. You need some time to clear your head and realize whether or not he is worth it.
Thanks Kevin!
I read your page "5 signs your ex wants you back", and realised that on our friendly meeting, we laughed and joked about how things went wrong, which is a sign, as well as smiling at good memories, as well as him not being happy at my suggestion of moving on (although he is), which is why I wasn't sure wether to carry on being friendly to reconnect (although difficult for me.) I however did not reward this behaviour, and went mad deleting him.
Still do no contact you think? Also, should I re-add him on facebook, to give him the message I still want him in my life, and also it was a mistake to delete him (rewarding behaviour)?
Thanks for your time by the way, I know you get loads of comments, and you must tire of people asking the same things again and again! I appreciate your top relationship advice skills and patience!
If you haven't done no contact till now, then you should do it. I think doing something out of anger, is always a bad thing. It makes you look weak and unstable. But what's done is done. You can add him after no contact is over.
Ok, my situation has been similar to a lot of people here. My relationship literally ended last night. Its been a back n forth 10 months. A lot of her reasons for this have been to an extent justifiable as this was the first time she had ever had a relationship with another woman, that aside though, it still caused me pain each time she had a meltdown and finished with me. But this is were her justifiable behaviour ends.
Anything and everything was always more important than making time to spend with me. She would say she was too tired or the kids were playing up and putting her in a bad mood, and yet she would message me constantly all night anyway. On occasions were she would have a child free evening or weekend, she would make arrangements to go out with friends but never me, but insist on asking my opinion on what to wear, then message me throughout the night then want a booty call when she got home. I got to the point were I told her I wasn't interested in what she wore for nights out that didn't involve me. So it went on.
On one of her meltdowns, and finishing me episodes, we talked it through for days until we got back together. On this occasion I told her that if she did this to me again there would be no contact ever, we would not be friends (which she always said she wanted if we were not together). This shocked her, and the next few months were fantastic until she started planning her birthday party and began to have less and less contact with me. She then said that once the party was over she would a month later want a holiday........yep without me. I got upset and tried to talk about my frustrations at being not considered and not valued. Her reaction being to treat me with increasing indifference. Her messages became less and less frequent, she would never want to see me until I straight out and said "do you actually love me anymore?" Her response being, "I dunno", " maybe I don't feel the same", "My head is up my arse".."but can we be friends?" To which I said no, explained my reasons, said goodbye, and deleted her from social networks and instant messaging. I fully intend to implement NO CONTACT!! How do you think she will react?
Many thanks
ally
Hey Ally,
It's good that you started no contact. I think she will start contacting you after a while when she misses you and she might even promise to change just to have you back. But don't give in so easily this time. Take your time with no contact and only get back with her if you are absolutely sure she will change for good.
Hello Kevin,
Thanks for the wonderful advice! It is helping in my time of need of being lost. My ex-boyfriend and I are both 19 and have been together for a year and a half. We broke up due to him having issues with my past. I am the only girl he has ever been with where has I have a bit of a past before him. He would get drunk and degrade me for it. He also is a bit lost in his life having dropped out of school almost a year ago. He said he'd go back this fall, but he works. He really tends to be much into alcohol and his friends. I do want him back because I was the one good thing to get that to slow down and help guide him. He has told me I was the first person he likes to run to. Except now he's saying even if he wanted me back, he just couldn't. He told me only time will tell and he isn't sure. He has no motivation for anything anymore. I asked him if I should move on and he said that's for me to decide. I can if I want. I asked what about him. He said he doesn't want to, but he can if he wants. We are both free to do whatever we want.
Do you think I have a chance. I am trying to keep faith, but it seems like he doesn't care.
You do have a chance. But you shouldn't try to get him back because the same issues will arise if you do get him back. You should apply no contact for at least 2-3 months.
i have a girl whom i have dated for seven months now.we broke last week after knowing she is in another relationship with a man she works with.she has worked there for three months now and i bet they have not dated for long.she tried to text me but i never replied to her.am now confused coz i don know how i can win her heart back an if i stay for long without contacting her she will leave me for good in favour of that man.please advice?
You should contact her after no contact is over. Her relationship is probably a rebound and it won't last long, even if you don't contact her for long time.
Hi Kevin, I appreciate the advice. I think it will help. I definitely want my ex (3 yr relationship)to want to get me back. If she does not I have supportive friends and family. I believe we are in drift but it is tough to tell. We work together. She tells me she still has feelings for me and still loves me. I went through the False friendship and we recently hung out and had a good time. She even made sexual advances. She is currently with someone who she says doesn't have much time for her. She also compares it to our relationship often. What do I do next. Continue to hang out to wait for her to ask for a date while doing the steps or give her the letter? Any help appreciated. Thanks
Continue hanging out and having a good time with her. Don't give her any letter at this stage.
Hi Kevin, I have continued and followed the advice but I work with her so I see her daily. She will tell me she wants to be with me and I don't give in because she states she doesn't know what's going on with the new relationship but it's not much. I just try to support her and nothing more. How do I know to try something different. My situation is different. No contact is not as effective. She did agree to a date but a week later still wants to figure out where she is at with him. I havent brought it up. Just good old times and thats only if i have something to relate it too at work.Any advice appreciated. Thanks
Hey Rob,
Tell her you need space and time and so does she. Start no contact. Read this article how to apply no contact.
Hi Kevin, I have had no contact for a little over a month now. I didn't phrase my question correctly. I was wondering what to do after no contact. Thank you for your time. I appreciate it.
Oh, I got a little confused with that one.
I think you should just continue having good time with her. You'll just have to go through this without showing any signs of neediness. She is confused about what she wants. The best thing you can do is just be happy and confident around her. It'll increase your chances.
Another option is to give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you are not going to wait around forever and she has to decide right now. Choose between you and him. If she chooses him, you will move on with your life. If she chooses the other guy, you should apply no contact and start moving on with your life.
I'll recommend you give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for her. If by the end of that time period, she is still indecisive, give her the ultimatum.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I had a very bad break up about 2 and a half months ago, we dated for nearly two years. Of course like any other heart broken girl I broke all of the deadly rules. I didn't contact him for seven days, but then cracked and texted him on what would of been our anniversary. I recently found out he is seeing someone else, but it is not official. When I asked about her he told me his feelings for her were very strong and "legit". I'm not sure if she's a rebound or if he has really moved on. Do you think I could still get him back? What should I do?
hey Kevin,
me and my ex have been broken up for over a year, I know seems like a long time to just now start trying to get back with her. to be honest though, I haven't stopped thinking about her. Every time I see her its like all the air in my lugs is ripped out. She truly is something special to me, I still love her just as much as I did when we departed.. I still talk to her every now and then but not that often. but the past couple of days we have talked more than we usually do. I cant explain how bad I want her back.. know anything I can try to increase my odds on getting her back?
Make some positive changes in your life before asking her out.
Hi Kevin,
My ex was a very loving boyfriend. We are now on our 9th year but he suddenly decided, we cool off. It started 3 years ago when I got so busy at work that I almost stopped texting, calling and seeing him. I was so comfortable that he will stay forever as he promised, mentioning that he's also living with my family, while I was away and staying at a dormitory in the company. He found photos of me with another guy and told me that it hurts him, but I told him that it's nothing and that I never cheated. Then, he confessed that there's a girl he's starting to like, a friend who has been his confidant while I was away, they're exchanging text messages and calling each other often. He said he still loves me but not the same as before. He told me that he needs a break, some rest from all the stress I caused him. He even blocked me from sending him text messages and from calling him. When asked if we can still fix the relationship, he said he's not sure, he doesn't know, it depends. He told me that he'll leave the house soon and will start to live alone and find himself. He said he just wanted to cool off but I am worried if he's telling the truth or that girl is already his girlfriend. I pleaded him not to leave me, that I regret neglecting him, that I will do my best to become a better partner, but he still chose to leave the house. He continued to ignore my calls and messages. Please help me. I have already learned my lessons. I know it was my fault but I want my boyfriend (we're on the cool off stage) back. I love him so much. Do you think there's still a chance of him to get back with me? Please help me Kevin. Thanks.
Thanks. I will.
Hello Kevin. He is 25 and I am 24. We dated for a year and I broke up with him because of long distance. We continued to talk and eventually he didn't want to anymore. I tried to contact him for a long time before giving up. Now it has been 3 months with NC. How much longer should I wait?
Use the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Kevin,
So here's what happened. And I need serious advice on this. Me and this girl were having a serious relationship, and then all of a sudden, she says that she just wants to be friends. I have no idea what I did wrong. It's a long distance relationship right now, but I move near her in June and I have been with her before, and she said I made all her problems go away. But now she said she's not ready for a relationship, and doesn't have the same feelings for me as she did before, and she said she is having feelings for someone else. Why can't she see that I would do anything for her? I want her back more than anything. So I just text her of I'm glad we are just friends and now I'm starting the no contact period. Please give advice man. I need it. I don't want her with someone else. I love her too much. We talked about being together forever, and growing old, and having kids. Please reply. Thank you
Hey Alek,
You already know what to do. Do no contact and get back in touch with her after a month. Everything is laid out in the article above.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you, I will do this. But...I have a slight problem. I don't know what to do and forgot to add this in the other night as it was so late. I am seeing her this weekend, you could say, because I am going to her child's first birthday party. Also, in mid June I meant to say that I am moving in with her and her friend (not the one she says she's starting to have feelings for). She spoke to me about this when we were together and has made no statement to me saying otherwise. What should I do? Again, I apologize of not adding this in the other night. Any advice would be appreciated and I would do anything in the universe to get her back. I have not messaged or called her or anything since yesterday. Thank you.
She just texted me about eight times just now, and wants me to send her pictures of her and her daughter. Do I respond? I am sorry that I am asking and commenting a lot, but I would really like to take precautions and such so I don't screw anything up. And your site is very great with helping. Thanks
You should send the pictures and tell her that you need some space and time right now to deal with the breakup.
If you've already broken up, it's safe to assume she doesn't want you to move in. And you shouldn't.
Hi,
So, I was broken up with towards the end of January this year and both of us were really hurt. They started talking to someone else right after we broke up. We started talking again, and they stopped talking to the other person bc they claimed to not have feelings for the other person, and we almost got back together in March until I got too clingy. I tried no contact, but ended up contacting her after 3 weeks. That went badly. Then 2 weeks later, yesterday, I ran into her and basically begged for her back, which also went badly. They started dating the person they had originally stopped talking to recently, and claims to already love this person, despite having had said a couple month's ago that they didn't. They say that we won't get back together ever, but maybe we could be friends in a year when I'm over it. Do I still have a chance if I actually go through with no contact for awhile, like a month or 2, this time, or is it too late for her to ever be in that "missing you" stage? Should I take what they said to heart, or are they just still scared of getting hurt and are in a rebound relationship?
Also, we were together about a year and were engaged.
I think there's still a chance. You should do no contact for around two months and follow the plan. And I think she is in a rebound relationship.
Hello kevin
My girlfriend broke up with me for 5 days ago, when she told me I tried to keep it cool and told her that i respekted her choice (even though I didn't). Her reason for breaking up, was because she didn't feel she could be herself. Since then I've had more or less non contact to her, the only moment we had contact, were when she texted me that she would come by and collect some of her stuff. She texted me with smileys, and I analyzed it that she wanted to start communication with me. I totally answered her cool and short without any signs of being desperate and yet not either being rude. Yesterday she posted 2 message pictures on her facebook profile saying: "Be carefull not to do anything permanently stupid, because you are temporarily angry, stressed, scared, tired or hungry" and the second one saying: "People build up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down<3". I feel that she wants med to do an effort to get her back, and that she regrets she broke up with me. What is your advice for me to do now?
Thank you very much
Don't think too much about her facebook status. Follow the plan. You handled the breakup pretty well.
Kevin,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. We were going to get married then his mom died and his dad has been very needy. This last year has been full of stressful situations and we didn't have very many good times to hold on to. We live in different states right now. We were very close and we talked everyday. He just recently told me he needed space to get his things done. It seemed more than that..I wouldn't hear from him for days. I freaked out and did everything that drove him away. Calls,texts pleading,crying ect. I want him back but he now ignores me. He won't tell me it's over or talk to me. He said we will talk and will have to have a long talk and there isn't anyone else. He is staying in my area with family and will be leaving to go back home in a week. But days have gone by and he ignores me. I told him I wanted to talk to him in person to end it, because it seems like he doesn't want to be together anymore and I'm in a lot of pain.He text back fine okay but he was tired not to come over. I told him I really didn't want the relationship to end I wanted to fix it? He said he was tired of the drama and wanted to go to bed. I'm still confused about if we are done or what. This has been going on for a month. I can't get any answers maybe his actions is his answer. I want us back...I've done everything wrong..and don't know how to turn this around..
You need to back off for a while. Apply no contact for one month. Give him the space he needs.
Thank you :)
Kevin,
Towards the last part of our relationship my gf just didn't seem interested in me and never wanted to hangout and barely texted me. I understood that she wanted to live her own life and hangout with her friends, but to an extend I felt like she didn't care about us anymore. So I was fed up and broke up with her, after a couple days I realized I regretted the breakup and only said those things because I was angry at the time and bypassed talking it out. For awhile I tried to get in contact with her immediately after the break up but eventually I just gave up. After about 20 days give or take from when I last contacted her she texted me saying that she was here for me if I ever needed anything. I gave in and responded right away, for the next couple of weeks we were talking everyday. Then after awhile I started to show the neediness side of myself and was hinting towards being back together with her(without her showing any relationship feelings) and then she just stopped texting me altogether. I was wondering if I should just go with the no contact phase again and let it play out or try to see how she really feels about us?
Go no contact again. This time, don't hint about getting back together unless you have gone out with her at least 3-4 times.
Hey Kevin,
My relation can be divided into 3 parts:
1_August-December: I was confident, taken everything for granted and she did her best to impress me
2_January-March: I begged her, did my best to make her happy, she wanted to breakup, she ignored me, etc.
3_ April-Did not contact her much. Very short texts once in a while and saw her for a couple of hours at her apartment in an unexpected visit after 3 weeks of not visiting her. The next week she emailed me that we have gone too far from each other, and she cannot be a good girlfriend to me anymore and that she want to breakup.
In the beginning I reacted very sarcastically and reminded her all her bad behaviors in 5 emails. I told her that I mention these thing so that she take a lesson and be good girlfriend for her next boyfriend and don't make the same mistakes anymore. But I emotionally broke up in the 3rd day and sent her emails on apologies. Then went to her house and asked her to forgive me for the emails that I wrote. Also, mentioned that I will make her happy. She repeated that she cannot date me anymore and I should go out of her life for ever. I told her that, at this stage I don't want to be date her but want to hangout with her. In fact, it was her idea (I guess she knows all about "No Contact" things and things alike).
Fortunately, when she got mad at me for the 5 sarcastic emails she mentioned one of the reasons that had probably made her angry these days about me: Her lesbian friend had told her that I texted her at mid-nights which was a lie and was in fact I replied to her text messages (I explained this in an email to her).
Anyway, for 2-3 days, I kept writing her how I love her and I am sorry for those +5 emails. However, I also saw her at one of the group meetings later and told her that she smells good and told her that I miss her but we will talk later about it. Got a couple of good and bad signs. Now, my problems is that there are big chances that I will see her at next group meeting so there will be no 30s plan. And questions arises, should I say hi to her if I see her? There are also chances to see her at the gym where we go. If I see her there, should I say hi to her?
Oh! Forgot to mention, she used to think that I am using her. Apparently she has less sexual drive. In my last day emails I told her that I just want to hangout with her and since I love her and want our relation to be till infinity, we will have a lot of time to have sex so I am not in hurry at all!
I am optimist that there will be a comeback sooner or later but really don't know how to react when I see her somewhere unexpectedly. Some are really unavoidable since I have promised other guys to be there. Please advise.
Thank you very much!
Dara
Hey,
Whenever you see her at a meeting or the gym, just treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Be cordial and upbeat. If you have to talk to her, keep the conversation short.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your comment. In fact, 30 days is a period is a great time in which you can get rid of your mental inertia and start to think if she is worth so much of hardship. If she is then why did she dump you when you needed her the most? Anyway, saw her on the street while she drove her bike and passed by me. When she came close, she turn her face to other side, so did not even say hi. At that moment, I felt nothing but the after some hours I felt that I missed her! Anyways, will not contact her before 30 days.
Thank you!
Hey!
She has unfriended me on her Facebook some days ago and even blocked me! I will never talk about it to her unless we are back in good days!! Well, I don't conclude anything on it.
I think the problem with a lot of articles is this 30 day no contact, while it is true completely for the first break up, most people never do it right , so they break up again. When you break up again most articles do not mention that you probably need more than 30 days if both of you are highly emotional, you need about 60 to 90 days or more. Honestly some people need 60 months so that's 180 days or maybe even a year. My ex-husband came back to me after 5 years of no contact ! So when people only see 30 days they tend to think that's all you need , and that's not always correct.
I agree with you Tracy. That's why there's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Hey Kevin !
My boyfriend of more than four years and I recently broke up. He told me he needed space, and that he was not happy with himself, and needed to make himself happier before he got back into a relationship. He has started to lie and be sneaky the last few weeks, so Im not sure if he was finding a reason to break up or he is being honest with me. He has still been texting me telling me that he loves me, and wants a future with me, but he is not ready for a relationship right now. I feel confused, but I am starting the 30 day no contact today and I am hoping things can only get better from here. I feel like this relationship is worth working for, I am just hoping he realizes the same thing. Kevin, do you feel like I should fight for this or give myself time to clear my mind?
Thanks for your time,
Marina
You should give yourself time to clear your mind even if you want to fight for this.
Hi Kevin,
I've sent a comment on April 23rd, didn't get a reply yet.
Hey kevin,
Well my story is a little bit different because of the fact that im still with my boyfriend. Its still very similar though because we are on a very rocky road rightnow and im afraid that this relationship is about to end. We have been together for 4 yrs. I lived with him for about 7 months and it was great at first but towards the end it just seemed like he didnt want to be around me much. We argued alot and recently we got into a huge fight and it ended up in a "breakup" but we ended up saying we were going to try and work it out. I dont live with him anymore... But he still wants ALOT of space and so far iv been doing just that. I hardly even txted him until last night. I had only seen him 2 times this week and not alone time.. And i wanted to see h yesterday but he said it would be pushing it. So i got really mad because all iv been doing is trying NOT to push things. So i guess my question to you is: how can i use your advice to my advantage ? Should i do the no contact rule ? I just want things to be back to normal and i feel like nothing is working and nothing helps. Id love some advice !
IF he wants space, you should do no contact.
Hey Kevin,
So my ex-gf moved on with another guy. They made it official. She said that she loves him and she made love to him since January. Told me to get over it. She post pix on IG at the baseball game and hashtag #babe. So there official i guess. I told her i need time and space from you and i hope you can respect that besides picking up my daughter on Sundays. She told me STFU and get over it. She said shes happy with him. I did go no contact after she text me that she met his family, made love to him, and she loves him. Pretty much made me feel like shit. LOL.
Hey John,
Her behavior is pretty hateful. Someone who has moved on wouldn't say things like that to their ex unless they are a really bad person.
That what i said. She said alot of hurtful things to me. And she keep saying i have a girlfriend which i dont. Why do she have to tell me she slept with him and love him already. Just make no sense to me. I am losing hope. And the best thing to me is to leave alone. So I go no contact?
You absolutely must go no contact.
I am going no contact now. I can only check on my daughter through her mom. Her mom told us to leave each other alone and dont call or text. Her mom was disappointed with my ex gf decision. Should i lose hope Kevin? And i notice when we argue she always text LOLOLOL.
Hey John,
You will realize whether or not you should pursue or not during the no contact period. All the best.
Hi Kevin,
I do have another question. I did do contact for 1 week. Yesterday i picked up my daughter at the park. My ex gf keep rushing me to pick up my daughter. She had a BBQ for her birthday. And her BF was there. I told her my ex gf. Didnt i tell you not to bring my daughter around your new. My ex gf was so scared and freaked out because i was super mad. Then i texted her saying dont ever disrespect me by bringing him around my daughter. She Told me to " Calm Down " then say " OK stop you moved on" I told her it doesnt matter. Respect me as a dad. And we left it at that. What do you think about that?
I think you gave her the reaction she had been looking for all along.
Is that bad thing? now she texted me today bringing up dumb things that made no sense at all. Just trying to put me down.
And her birthday is tomorrow. Also mother's day. The best thing to do is no contact for those as well correct?
You are allowed to wish her as long as you keep the text short.
If i wished her a happy bday wouldnt it make it seem like i still care and wanting her. LOL. Sometimes I feel like when she text me she always find something to ask about like money i owe her. Idk where her mind is at Kevin. But i have been doing no contact. This will be my second week...
Hey John,
It's not necessary to wish her birthday. It's optional. I think even if you don't wish her, there is a chance she might think that you are not wishing her out of spite or anger. Which again shows that you are hurt from the breakup. And that doesn't work on your favor either. As long as you keep the text short, wishing her shouldn't be a problem. Although, not wishing her isn't going to do any considerable damage either.
I know Kevin. Wanted to wish her a happy bday from me and my daughter. Sucks that she has a bf now and shes going to have a a fun bday weekend without me and her daughter. Im doing my best to leave her alone. I wonder if she is really over me and happy with that guy.
You are right kevin. I didnt wish her a happy birthday last thursday. She texted Friday Morning with a dumb text. Saying that i dont deserve my daughter and that i am immature and disgusting and that it will be my last week with my daughter. Also over the weekend i went out with my friends. She texted me more crazier stuff. I did drop off my daughter to her and she didnt want to look at me at all. Later that night she texted me about me owing her money. But i didnt know what to say to her. So ignored it. So what do i do from here Kevin? i really miss her but i know she has a bf. You think she misses me too. I just dont know how to win her over.
She is having a hard time dealing with the breakup and getting over you. Her messages prove that she misses you. I think you should send her the letter mentioned in the article after no contact is over.
She always say i moved on, i have a girlfriend which i dont. Why do she keep bringing that up? it makes no sense to me at all.
Because she is afraid of you moving on. Because she still has feelings for you and is afraid of losing you forever.
I thought she was just saying that to make herself feel better and not a bad person that she moved on. Thanks Kevin. She havent contact me since Tuesdays at all about our daughter. And this week is her birthday week. Should i worry or leave her alone and still have no contact.
John, If she had truly moved on, she wouldn't care too much about your feelings. Moving on means becoming indifferent to your ex. My bet is still that she is not over you. As for her birthday, I think it'll be OK if you wish her but keep the conversation short.
You are right kevin. I didnt wish her a happy birthday last thursday. She texted Friday Morning with a dumb text. Saying that i dont deserve my daughter and that i am immature and disgusting and that it will be my last week with my daughter. Also over the weekend i went out with my friends. She texted me more crazier stuff. I did drop off my daughter to her and she didnt want to look at me at all. Later that night she texted me about me owing her money. But i didnt know what to say to her. So ignored it. So what do i do from here Kevin? i really miss her but i know she has a bf. You think she misses me too. I just dont know how to win her over.
Good Morning Kevin,
Thank you so much. This will be my last question. Yesterday we had an argument. She wanted me to pick up my daughter yesterday but it was her week. I said I can't because of work. She went off on me saying " your just mad because you can't have me " I told her I dont want you anymore, you moved on and you made your decision. If your happy I am happy for you. She said "You are not happy" and started laughing. She then said my bf will put a ring on my finger before you and he is so much of a better father to our daughter. She was throwing low blows and calling me names. I just dont know what is her motive here. lol. Confuses me. And she was putting me down.
Hi Kevin,
This morning she also text me saying we need to talk like adults. For me to call her. I didnt know what to do. Should i contact her or leave it alone.
John,
If she wants to talk like adults, tell her that you need space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if she can give it to you. Tell her you don't want any contact with her for a while unless it's related to your child. But from the way she has been acting, I think she wants to use this opportunity to again rub her relationship in your face and get a reaction out of you.
Hi Kevin,
It was random over the weekend. She sent me a pix of me and my daughter when she was a newborn. She called me 3 times and said my 2 year old daughter wanted to talk to me. But my daughter is to young to even ask those kind of questions. LOL. I did not answer the call. So today she did text me asking for her mails, xbox and her package. How do i respond to that? what is her motive there. Also I havent seen my daughter for almost 2 weeks. Is it ok for me to go visit her?
Her motive is to get a reaction out of you. She can't handle your silence. Did you tell her before starting no contact that you need space and time to deal with the breakup? If not, do it now. I'll recommend you wait another week or two before visiting her.
Hi Kevin,
I did tell her 3 weeks ago that i need time and space from you. She reacted and got really mad when i said that. You are right. Shes been asking the same questions everything i go no contact. I only respond if its in regarding to my daughter. But i keep it simple and short. Since that morning text. She havent text me all day. Usually she will text again and say hello? are you dumb? I just asked you a question. I will get my daughter next week. So I guess i will wait until then. My daughter birthday is this weekend.
Btw Kevin. She always tend to text me late at night. On Saturday she texted me at 4:40am. Then yesterday she texted me at 12:39AM. I dont why she text me so late. Maybe she just got off the phone with her bf. But its getting irritating.
Hi,
Me and my girlfriend dated for almost 2 years. She broke up with me 2 months ago. I don't know what to do. Less than a week ago we were talking about getting back together and now she said that it'll never work and won't talk to me. I don't know if she even still cares about me. Is there any hope? If so, what can I do?
Thank you,
Jake
Hey Jake,
There is definitely hope. And the best thing you can do is apply no contact and follow the plan.
me and my ex broke up about 4 moths ago. the whole time we were in no contact. until about 3 weeks ago we seen each other at a party. we hooked up that night and talked for about 4 hours. we just talked about what we've been up too and not about our past. we agreed that night that the past is the past and it should stay there. we kept having casual meet ups and have been texting everyday since. but when we discuss what we are she says she she is confused because she feels so good when she's with me but is scared to repeat the past so she doesn't want a relationship. so we agreed to just let it be natural and whatever happens, happens. my question is how do i get her to be with me. like we finally seem happy together and its been a long time since we were able to just sit and talk for hours. we enjoy each others presence a lot and neither of us want each other out of our lives. but i just don't want to put in all this work and be rejected. how should i go about this?
Continue doing what you've been doing. At least for a couple of months. Hopefully, things will escalate. If not, then ask her for commitment.
what if you have completed the no contact period,and when you make first step by texting him he doesnt reply?
You wait another week and text again. If he still doesn't reply, you should consider moving on.
Hey Kevin,
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months a few nights ago. We were in a long distant relationship and it was great. When we were together physically, it was amazing and unforgettable - We had so much chemistry. However in the last couple of months of our relationship, we began to fight often about little things such as over a game we played together. I knew that he was stressed from his new job so I wanted to give him some space. I was adapting to not being able to talk to him as much, then suddenly he began to socialise with his friends more online (friends that he sees in person of course). I began to feel neglected as spending time with him online or through phone calls and texting was the only way for us to bond. I told him how I felt about this, and he apologised saying that he wanted to make it up to his friends for not contacting them a lot during the time we were together, and that he was trying to balance his time with work, friends, family and myself. However in the end, he decided to call it off with me as he no longer wanted to break my heart and hurt me. I suggested that instead of a break up, we 'take a break' instead as we haven't tried it. But he really shut down my idea saying that his decision was final. At this point, we decided to remain friends even though we declared that we still love each other. I've entered the no-contact zone to allow him time and space for himself and I thought it'd be better off we didn't talk for a while. While we were dating, we talked about marriage, kids, house, holidays and even moving in together in the future. Do you think we still have a chance of getting back together?
Yes, I do think there's a chance and I think you handled the breakup pretty well.
Me and my boyfriend have had a smooth sailing relationship for 2 and 3/4 months and then suddenly he went kind of distant and it was on and off in terms of fighting. It went on for about 3 weeks and then I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I let him go. But after I let him go.. He kept talking to me and we were talking like friends. The next day he started ignoring me.. And I took that as a sign we are over. I asked for at least some closure but he just read my message. So I got angry and said mean and hurtful things like I wish I never loved or met him, I called him a coward and said other mean things I don't really mean. I feel like I burned the bridge of us down. I feel guilty and I want to apologize. How should I approach this and what should I do?
hie kevin.
I broke with my lady about two months ago and I went through the no contact and now we have started talking again.she sent me a message that she wished me well in everything and even though it did not work between us she will always love me.what should I do after this.when I spoke to her she kept on referring to me as babes like old times.I still want her back though
Continue talking and ask her out after a while.
Three months after breaking, she is in love with a friend(with who she dated one week some time ago).
She can't have nothing with him because of the relationship she had with me (he likes her but doesn't want nothing because of this).
And because of this, she even feel some kind of regret for the relationship with me.
I feel hurted and dont want nothing with her now, but i want to finish this with her in a way that in some months or years i will be able to talk and who knows what could happen
(i felt she was the one when i was with her)
No matter in what way you finish with her, you will be able to talk to her in a years time. No one holds grudges or resentment for that long.
Hi Kevin, I just read the steps above and I was hoping that this will really work, we broke up a couple of days ago and he's really telling me that I kept bogging him that he needed some space that he doesn't like and want me anymore. It's very frustrating, I love him so much that I did all those deadly mistakes above. I tried to stop contacting him for a week but after a week his aunt called me that he's with another girl already. I do not know what to do. If I stop contacting him he'll be completely happy with her already, but if I continue bogging him he'll just get pissed and pushes me away even more. I don't know what to do anymore. please help me. I want him more than ever!
You should stop contacting him. It's a rebound relationship and he won't get over you so quickly.
Hey Kevin,
Me and me ex were together for 8 months, and it's been a little over a month since we broke up, and we haven't spoken since. I'm pretty sure she started seeing someone immediately after we broke up. I'm trying to move on, and I've gotten rid of all of her stuff and deleted all of her pics. The only thing I have left is thing little trinket that she gave me on our first date, which was an inside joke between us. I can't bring myself to throw it out, but I want it out of my house. So I was thinking about sending it to her in the mail and then she can do whatever she wants with it. I don't expect her to come back, but at least it will make her think about me. Do you think this is something I should do?
Thanks!
Hey Mike,
I'll advise against it. Why don't you contact her using the letter mentioned in the article?
Hey Kevin I just wanted to say it's day 26 since I last saw my ex. I have made positive changes in my life I even lost 25 pounds. I even went on a date wasn't the best but it was a date. I even started a project that I was working on before we met that I kind of fell out of it when we were together Thinking about my project helps get me through the day. But she's still in my mind we were more than in a relationship we were best friends too so I lost two very important things in my life. And it is so hard not to text her but don't worry Kevin I'm staying strong. I just feel like I let her down and that's why she is pursuing other people. If only she know that I was willing to change and put the romance back in our relationship.
It's OK John. She will see the changes when you meet her after no contact.
hi kevin,
i have been no contact with my ex girlfriend for 2 months and i just contacted her few days ago on facebook, she behaves a lot better than the last time we spoke, the last time we spoke she was acting really mean to me and it hurt me so much so i decided to go no contact and i have also deleted and blocked her on facebook after that conversation. However she got a new bf after we broke up 1.5 month so i assumed that guy is a rebound i also noticed that guy hasn't added any of her friends on facebook nor comment or like her photos or activities even though they have been together for nearly 4 months. My ex gf is a person who likes the person she loves to get involved with anything she does but that guy didn't which make me really curious here. However, after i haven't been spoken to her for 2 months and i started to message her on facebook we talked about the past mainly how i have mistreated her in the past and she also rub her new bf in my face but she also asked me would i take her back if she wants to get back together and i answered do you want to? and then she said would you change your mind if i tell you something bad about me and i said what is it? and she said she's pregnant and then i said yes i will still be with you even if you're pregnant and then she said good news im not pregant. what do you think of this?
I think it was a test to see whether or not you are still desperate and available. But I think your response wasn't that bad if she is still responsive and positive with you.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago, and I still want a relationship with her. She left me to try and start something with another guy that she thought she likes after being together 3-4 years. We have had on and off contact, some very positive and some very negative, for the past 2 months. I want to start no contact for a few months but she has been texting me several times per day. Should I tell her that I want no contact, so that she doesn't think I'm just ignoring her?
Yes, you should tell her that you need space and time.
Hi Kevin,
Sorry I've read the guideline. Hope the post is successful this time.
I broke up with my ex boyfriend a month ago. We both are 27. We were friends for long time, dated for more than 3 years, and lived together for more than a year. We were planning of getting married next year, but ex couldn't make up his mind completely and he left me after I mistakenly said we should break up. Soon after I realized I said too much and apologized, but he didn't change his mind.
We moved to my home country where I've never lived myself. We both were mentally unstable sometimes because of this new environment, which lead us having so many arguments especially for the last half a year. We got through a long distance before living together, I thought we had a strong bond.
He says; 1. he can't imagine a happy future with me because we argue a lot, 2. he's very stressed out because of many other things so he wants to be by himself, 3. he doesn't know what to do in his life so I should be happier if I'm with someone else, 4. he knows I will support him for the future but one of us cannot be completely happy, 5. he sometimes think maybe the separation was a mistake but it was for the best.
I couldn't accept the separation. I tried to talk to him a few times in person but we couldn't talk what we wanted to talk because he was so emotional and stressed. A few days ago, he texted me that he knew I needed a better explanation but he didn't think it was a good time to talk at the moment because it'd make things worse.
Do you think he just doesn't want to talk to me at all any more? Or if I apply no contact for a while, it'll be still okay? As he currently is thinking I should be with someone else to be happy, I feel like if I do no contact even too long, he will eventually think 'she's doing fine without me as I thought' and we'll have less possibility of getting back together...
Could you give me some advise?
Hey Sue,
I replied to your first comment here.
Hi Kevin,
I did not get your reply yet for the comment i updated on 23rd Apr, hope i can have your reply.
Hey Jacelyn,
Sorry for the late reply. I've been busy for the past 4-5 days. I have replied to your comments now.
Hi Kevin,
I've signed up for your e-mails but have yet to receive the confirmation mail.
Can you add me, please? I really need your help.
Thanks,
Daniel
Hey Dan,
Your email is already added. Please check your spam box for the confirmation email.
I posted a while back but I think it got deleted so I'm going to try again.
I'm 25 and she is 23, I was dating her for almost 7 months. She broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. I accepted the breakup and didn't really have any issues with it due to me losing interest due to my promotion at my job and focus on it. She took it much harder and texted and cried to me for about two days and I did respond to her. We went out to eat about a week after the breakup and 3 weeks after. Both times we kissed (first time by her and second time by me.) I regret kissing her because I knew it would cause emotions for both of us and I should of just followed this site sooner and went into NC.
I'd text her every few days or so or she would text me random events going on. She loved my family and unfortunately my mom would cause a scene and she would blow up at me which caused me to blow up at her saying my mom is this and that she hates you. She was sorry for hurting me and didn't want any of this to happen.
She broke up saying she was confused and recently has been saying that she wants to spend more time with her friends and enjoy life. I've been doing the same while working on my promotion which is a 15 week program that I have 7 weeks left of doing. I went NC with her after sending her an emotional letter stating what I did wrong in the relationship and saying I'm sorry. I also said I want her back which probably put her walls up which ended up with her saying she still thinks about me and doesn't think it's the right time to get back together.
I haven't talk or texted her in a week and I was wondering how much longer I should do this and if I have a chance in getting back with her. I am much happier now and have been going out, going the gym, etc. I just want to know what I should do if i want to still pursue her. I'm fairly confident that I wouldn't break out in emotion like I did before.
Thanks Kevin for this site, it has helped me a lot!
Hey,
I think you do have a good chance of getting her back. Just follow the advice in the article about getting back in touch with her.
Thanks for responding, I'll start texting her every few days or so while following your guidelines. I'll ask her out to eat or to get drinks when it seems appropriate. Thanks again Kevin.
Hey Kevin, just a quick update and question.
I've found happiness and discovered how to do that on my own without needing her in my life. I have 5 weeks left till my apprenticeship program ends and I get my raise and I can move forward in my life.
I've talked to her a few times. She still has that mood where she wants to enjoy her life more and spend time with her friends and go out and party. I haven't told her my feelings for her since that letter. I text her every few days or so but I'm wondering if it's better if I wait five weeks and finish my training first and use that as a source of accomplishment before I even decide to push forward with the plan and ask her out again.
She pushed me into this promotion and I think at some point it made her really respect that I had goals because without her I wouldn't of ever considered it. When I finish, it'll be over 3 months since we broke up and while she may move on, I highly doubt she'll forget me.
So my question is, should I just wait five weeks and just have limited to no contact with her unless she messages me? I still do want her back and care about her but I do understand that she also has priorities in her life now and a relationship with anyone is probably not an option for her.
Also, is liking stuff on her facebook something I shouldn't do? Should I leave her facebook alone?
If you are in touch, then you can like her stuff on facebook. If you are doing no contact, then you shouldn't.
Hey Chris,
If you think your chances will be more after five more weeks than they are right now, then you should do it.
Well, I asked her out for drinks and we'll be going out in a few days. I'll see it goes and see if I should wait longer, keep going, or move on. I talk to her occasionally so I think the Facebook likes are fine.
I have been seeing someone for about a year and a half, suddenly he tells me not to message him anymore, because I 'think to much'. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, but we texted everyday, and talked about once a week. He would come to my house on Saturday evenings and spend the night with me. We got along great. We had so much in common, and wanted the same thing out of life. We had texted on a Wednseday and Thursday about seeing each other over the weekend, he wasn't able to make it that Saturday because of his job. I sent him a message the next morning (sunday) saying I felt like I was being avoided, And asked if I had done something wrong.. He replied a short time later with, "you think too much, ive been down that road before, and im not going back to that". I didn't know 'thinking' was such a bad thing. And if I don't speak my mind, should I have just hid from him? Since then he has sent me 2 emails. One was about 3 weeks after he said not to message him, telling me to have a good time on my trip with my kids. While I was on my trip, missing him, I sent him a message saying 'I wish you hadn't made this decision' [to end things]. Then a few days ago he sent me an email saying 'Decisions are made for reasons, reasons come from actions, and actions are whats killing you". I want him back in my life.
That last message he sent you was a bit rude in my opinion. And that's a good sign. You should apply no contact rule and follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
Firstly thank you for this article.
As I m writing to you, its my first day of breakup with my girlfriend. I would like to tell whether I should follow this guide or not. In my case, I had abused and questioned my gf's character while i was in extreme anger. That's the reason she left me. I really regret saying those sentences, which i didnt even mean. It just came out of anger.
Please tell me how to proceed further. I have talked with her on phone and apologised, sent her email, sms, images, etc in order to apologise.
Please please please help me. :)
Thanking you,
NT
You should follow the guide. You still have a chance.
Hi Kevin,
I understand the no contact step, but unfortunately I have to work with my ex and see him on a regular basis. I am concerned that I will not be able to build much anticipation or invoke much curiosity from him if he is forced to see me everyday at work. Is the a loophole somewhere in the no contact time frame for co-workers?
Just treat him like you would treat any other co worker. Avoid conversations and if you have to talk to him, keep it short and sweet.
Hi Kevin, we have spoken previously about my situation. As things are now I am at a bad place emotionally and missing her like mad. We split up around a 100 days ago and three weeks ago she told me by text that she had met someone!! I did not reply as it was devastating news to me. I have written but not sent yet a letter telling her that I wish her well for the future and that she meant the world to me, but have also mentioned a few shared fond memories that I hope she will think about. I just can't believe that she can shut me out of her life that easily, she is the only thing I think about. When we were together she was the needy one and was always texting or phoning. Do you think that she has the odd moment when she thinks of me? I miss her so much. Any help would be appreciated.
Yes, she does think about you and definitely miss you still. It's possible that her new relationship is even a rebound.
Thanks for getting back to me Kevin I appreciate it. I have just sent the letter off, although I know that it won't get her back, I do hope that it will remind her of what we had. Surely our history must count for something ? I have been there for her at some scary times in her life. What will be will be eh.
Hi Kevin I did not get a reply to my letter from my ex and don't know what to do next? We live a few hundred miles apart so not seeing me around would probably make things easy for her. I want to go and see her but fear that it may be a waste of time now she has met someone else, what do I do? In the past I have always got her back as she always said to me that no matter how she tries she can never stop loving me. I cannot function without her and often break down, its so hard being without her.
Hey Terry,
Don't go to see her. It might blow up on your face. Wait two weeks and send her the text.
Thanks for that Kevin, before you replied I had sent her a text today, saying that a funny thing that happened today had reminded me of her. As yet no reply. As I have said before she can be a needy person and I could cope with that this new guy may not be able to? It also explains why all other relationships have ended after a few months and I have been there for five years. She had told one of her friends who told me, that she loved me and wanted me to be the one? How do you work them out eh???_
Hey Kevin,
It's been a month, and I've followed your guide and e-mails... I contacted her after a month of no contact, more or less... I know she has a crash on someone else, and it's some one that is already "taken"... Anyways, when i contacted her she started with little short replies, quite cold... It could be due the fact that I was cold during no contact, when she texted me a few times. But I don't know. She doesn't seems interested in the conversation and it looks like going on one direction only. What shall I do now? (I posted a message a few weeks ago about it, not sure if you can check it back or less...) thanks in advance, mate!
Give her a little more time. Apply no contact for another two weeks.
hey kevin. things have got a whole lot worse. my friend thought she was helping (i had no idea my friend was doing this) she called chloe and chloe answered and my friend asked if there is anything she can do to help us. chloe said in calm voice she appraciates the call but tell lou its finished done do not contact me. my friend said ok no probs. but then my friend rang back and this time her mum answered and said u cant speak to chloe we are all going to portugal tomo for a week and when back we will be reporting louise. my friend tried to help me without me knowing. no even with nc for another 45 days have i blown any chances and why is chloe getting her mum involved?
Even tho shes angry and doesnt wanna be with me will her being on holiday in portugal make think of our holidays together there?
Hey kevin sorry for all 3 comnents her mum txt me agaon to say she isnt going to report me to police unless i make contact with chloe, i didnt know my friend was trying to help really didnt. now have i lost all chance and why is chloe letting her mum take control? As said while she is in portugal where we went all time will that bring any memories. do i have any chance at all now the mum is infulancing chloe it seems?
Hey Lou,
Things got worse. It's OK though. Don't answer her or her mums texts. Just apply no contact. Because of this incident, I'll recommend you extend no contact for at least 2 months. You really need to be committed to no contact this time though. No matter what happens, don't answer any calls or texts from her or her mum.
Thanks kevin.
So u still think I have a chance? Defo not doing any contact.
so why do u feel her mum is involved and do u think her holi remind her about ours and do u think she will want me ?
If you follow the plan, you still have a chance. Moms like to get involved in their children's relationships. It's normal. Don't think too much about it. I can't say if the holiday will remind her of you or if she will want you back. You shouldn't think about what she is thinking. You should concentrate on yourself. Read the third step again.
How do i have a chance still after all that has happened? Just so i understand why have chance?
Because in your ex's opinion, you are still needy and desperate. She thinks you have been doing all these things just to get her back. If you apply no contact, work on yourself and make positive changes in your life during the no contact period, you will become confident and happy. And when she realizes that you are confident and no longer needy, she will probably find her attracted to you again.
Of course, it all depends on whether or not you follow no contact and actually become confident and happy during the no contact period.
The reaso why i am askinf if i still have a chance is because she use to say our relationship i was jealous inaurcure abusive and after we broke up i did all things u shouldnt prob worse, for about 6 weeks and now her mums involved phoning me telling me to stay away. i just wamt to know why u feel still have chance and wont she let her mum infulance her?
Thanks Kevin for getting back to me to me so quickly. Of course I'm not going to make any single contact but how will she see these changes in me if she never gets in touch? And her mum now hates me how will her mum not infulance her and tell chloe to stay away??
I don't think her Mum hates you. She might try to influence her, but I think it won't matter that much. Remember, even if she contacts you or her Mum contacts, you should not answer. For two months. That's the only way to show them you are not needy. And even if she doesn't contact you, you should send her the letter mentioned in the plan after two months no contact.
Do you think there is a chance she will contact me?
The reason I ask this is, I have made all the mistakes already mentioned and worse, like threating to kill myself, harrassing, everything that you should not do! Her mum has warned me to stay away and even her mum is angry at me, Chloe and her mum said to much damage has been done to be friends, is this the case
I can not say if she will contact you or not. But you can still contact her if you can maintain no contact for 2 months. You can also use the strategy in relationship rewind for Death's Door (which also requires significant no contact).
Hey Kevin,
How do I view this as on my RR, I only seem to have access to certain things?
Also how do I have a chance after all the mistakes I have made for weeks, how will she ever forgive and forget?
How will she see changes if she doesn't contact me and blocked me of all forms of communcation, how will she ever know I have changed?
It's in the book. Read the section about Death's door in Step 2 of relationship rewind.
Thank you will do, and as mentioned, how will she see any changes if she has nothing to do with me and doesn't know what I am up too?
If she doesn't contact you in two months, you should send her the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan or an email as mentioned in the death's door section of RR.
hello kevin,
I kept a no contact for a week and he ended up calling a week later when he was drunk. And told me how much he loves me and all and then later for 4 days he spoke to me and again stopped receiving my calls and text. So i stopped texting and calling him and its been a week now..And he been posting pics on facebook and instagram with his friends and talking about girls at times. And i really dunno what i should be doing or expecting from him. because from the post he puts up he looks all happy and doesnt even care! what should i do?
To the person who runs this site, if you don't accept my very thought out response, then please keep a copy of this to read. I could even use my thoughts and experiences to create an article like this to post on a site like Yahoo.
What if a rebound leads to a relationship? Then i and they have lost their man forever, because i experienced watching a man go insane and go to his stupid female friend who doesn't know me and she lied to him and turned him into a douche and he brokeup, i cried and just died inside when i found out recently that he is married and has a baby with his rebound. I didn't think he was husband material, because he never brought it up and he lived in a tiny apartment at the time! He accused me of using him when hes the one who seduced me and fooled me into thinking he was nice and possibly marriage material if he ever got out of that tiny non family friendly cruddy apartment.
I found out he was not going to be ready for a long time for a real relationship and i still loved him even though he obviously had a bad poorman's lifestyle and was never going to get married, yet i stayed with him, because i'm a fool for love. Sex is addictive and i find that i become addicted to a man with a nice body and refsue to let go knowing that its very hard to find a decent man who'd go out with a plain nerd like me. I winded up trying to hex and curse them, because i am have a nasty jealous streak, the tv and movies make jealously seem normal and i confess i am a victim of the media's lies.
What if a guy gets scared and mistakes a carboncopy of an angry email to his ex's parent as a threat and gets an RO against the poor bewitched woman he had given a ring to and used to truely love like a husband (starting to cry)? Then its doomed and if the man is perfect like one i know, then i get very ill and just stop caring about myself, because i have developed a few disabilities that put me at risk for early death. If a man seems too good to be true and he changes into a douche, then i just cannot see a reason to live if it seems as if all the semiperfect people are all secretly jerks who will just mess with women and use them until they grow up at age 45.
I neglected myself and my relatives let me almost kill myself slowly, because the economy is making it harder for people to get proper healthcare and legal help. I am very sensitive and nice and other goods things and yet men for some reason fear me and hate me for it or they just go insane as if they hate nice women and want just the women who kill their hair and wear tons of makeup and very inappropriate short skirts?
Why should i have to look like a tramp to just get a man who will leave me when they get bored with the nice perfect woman?
I always make the same mistakes when men breakup with me, because i just am completely attached and cannot live without the person, because my family cannot provide me with a healthy loving supportive environment like a decent bf can, if they are sane and like the men on tv and in movies.
My family has become poor thanks to the economy and i am unable to work, because i lack the skills and cannot go back to school for a better degree. I have a few mild nongenetic disabilities (and are curable) caused by years of being treated badly by many people my entire life, and the men i had serious dates and relationships with, they all hate and /or fear me and some are married and had babies that should have been mine! While the better men all are happy and secretly punish themselves by not giving me a second chance like Jesus would (if was Mary M).
I just am that sensitive and yet men hate it even though they seen many movies about women like that?
I am a nerd who is misunderstood and ignored for being old fashioned and unable to make myself look like model (thanks to allergies to makeup, hairdyes, and bleach; i cannot understand why men prefer women who kill their hair and go bald prematurely over a natural nerdy beauty like me? I mean i just want to be pretty without having to kill my hair like a few relatives did from using harsh chemicals and without irritating my skin with makeup.
I just prefer to be down to earth and i just want to escape from my poor negative home, i just cannot stand to live with people who are so negative and over taxed near to death. I admit i am desperate to move out to the point that it may be one reason why men leave me, because of their mentality about having a love move in with a man. If women move in with men on tv shows and movies and are ok and good with that, then why are they not like that in real life? I admit i am the victim of brainwashing, but that is because i had noone to talk with my whole life except a friend or 2 and the bfs my whole life.
I just don't understand anyone that is so different from me, but has so much in common that i fall for real and when i do, i just would rather die than lose the man of my dreams.
I deserve a second chance and yet i always mess it up.
Instead of just telling women how to get a man back (who has only a small chance of ever coming back), you should refer women to groups and classes and counseling sessions, so they can learn how to talk and think all over again if their parents didn't raise them, and let the schools and tv raise them, raised them to be freaks, like me who has a tendency to mentally turn into a woman that is as scary or scarier than Nina Hyena. I am a crazy ex, because i just wasn't raised right. I just freak out and try to get the man back the wrong way.
Women who cannot stop messing up with exes like i always do, who read a sight like this, they and yet cannot follow the good advice, have serious social problems that is cause d by how they were raised. If parents don't communicate to daughters and havea tv addiction, then how the heck are girls going to learn the social skills they need in order to keep a man around long enough to marry and make babies with ?
Thats the problem with this site's advice, a lot of women need to be trained and in group sessions (or even 1 on 1 tutoring, which i desperately need, because i want to change so i can have what i want in life, real romance and babymaking that lasts a lifetime, sorry i am so old fashioned, that recently i started to compare myself to female mennonites), these sessions will be needed for a while to be able to help women have a perm relationship for once.
Since there is no training and a serious lack of skills to avoid these issues with exes, just only self help books, the books are useless if the women has a lack of self discipline and are not able to successfully train themselves in anything. These types of women were programed to believe that what they see in the movies and on tv is supposed to be normal and when men dumped me and these women, we tend to not understand why men act like douches towards us? We just don;'t know why these men are possessed and gone insane and even paranoid and delusional?
Not everyone has the empathy needed to understand these "crazy" paranoid men who give out ROs like cookies.
I'll end this here just with this saying:
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin
Hi Kevin, me and my ex just broke up from a reletionship we've been in for a year and a half. She told me that she was having doubts for a pretty long time and that she wasn't sure she loved me anymore.. she says her feelings have changed. I was a wreck and wanted her back so badly. It has been two weeks now and we've talked to eachother during those weeks. The conversations weren't great, most of the time very sad. She said that she thinks if we got back together it'll work for a short time, but after a while we would still break up, she preffered staying friends.
What are my chances here Kevin, I already know the mistakes i made but i can't convince her, her feelings have just changed.. but she thinks if we got back together it'll work for a short time.. I really don't know and i need some advice badly.
You should follow the advise in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote in early this month about my situation, in which you suggested to let my boyfriend initiate contact, or keep 'no contact' for 2 months:
I had to break the ‘no contact’ rule 2 weeks into it with my boyfriend because our mutual friend was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. We communicated through text messages. He took the opportunity to ask me how I was doing and also shared with me how he was coping. Turns out he is currently extremely stressed with work (having to be work for 12-14 hrs a day sometimes to rush for a project) and is on the verge of submitting his resignation.
During communication with him, I’ve tried not to appear emotional or needy but instead, fun, optimistic and being okay with our time apart. He seems warm and friendly enough. He shares with me things that are going on with him currently, however, he does not include me in the activities he mentions (eg: going to a gathering but not extending the invitation to me). He also admitted that he hasn’t had enough time to think things through about our relationship but is open to the idea of meeting up ‘some time’ (but no dates given).
While I try to be understanding with his current situation and honor his need for space, all of my girlfriends seem to have come to the conclusion that he’s simply stalling time until the point I finally give up (so he will not be left with the guilt of having to tell me our relationship is over).
I understand men often withdraw to their ‘mancave’ when seeking space for themselves. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be doing so by not engaging me in activities we normally do together?
I’m thinking of continuing ‘no contact’ for another month or two, or till he initiates, but I’d also like to hear your opinion (a male’s POV) if there’s a good chance for us to get back together given time and space?
Thanks again.
Hey,
I think he is actually being honest about himself and even though a part of him is still not sure about the relationship, I think he is still not ready to lose you. The reason he said he is open to the idea of meeting up is because he wants you to have hope and doesn't want you to move on.
Hi,
I understand the no contact rule. I've been doing a lot of reading into it and I've been following your advice to a T. What happens if my ex is also doing the same no contact rule and we are waiting for the other person to make contact in 2 or so months but it never comes? That's what I'm worried about. When will I know it's been too long?
You contact her after no contact. It's as simple as that.
Dear Kev,
Unfortunately I initiated contact because I saw someone like him in the town. So the next day I asked him whether he was around and when he said no I was gonna finish the convo. But he said he saw a family pic and that I have gone down. We were chatting for few minutes and I was dying to know if he was still in the rebound. I asked hows she and he asked who ? I said Kiara and he said she is good. I almost felt upset but I didnt show. I asked him so did u want to say hello to me on your way to the countryside with her ? He said NO , I went with mom n sister. When I asked him is she keeping you happy ? he said its too personal.
However, I felt uncomfortable and I felt like this is not gonna work so I said lets talk business and I called him because he wanted a plan to pay the money he owes. But the conversation was so fun , he was telling me about creams I should use cz I have got sun burns lately.He asked me why have I lost weight ? I said cz Im doing yoga !
He asked me about my interviews and I asked about his work too. We were talking like before. I thanked him and said I learnt a lot from our relationship and about life cz of him and this incident and Im a happier person now. I told him I do meditation and make me feel great!
When I asked him how he is , he said he is ok ! I said oh you should be more than ok cz ur life is great with a new relationship and work.He said its hard to be happy like I say and he said he regrets about what happened and he wishes he could go back in time and fix things.All of a sudden he started blaming me that I ruined the whole thing by telling my parents and so on. I kept calm and I said lets not talk about past now. U have a gf and u have to be happy about it.I clearly said we hav to clear doubts cz he always blames me . I said u cheated on me and I had to tell my parents . I told him no matter what I was there for you but you jumped in to another relationship and its not my fault. I said I never walked out on you but you did so now we have to live with that and be happy.
He said its difficult and he asked me to find a bf and try it. I said no , im enjoying right now eventhough I have something coming up in May. I asked him whether she is good and loves him . He said yes. ( Sighhhh.. he said she 's pretty isnt she ? I said yeah ) . I sounded totally like I bless their relationship and I told him to be happy. I know he must be having a great time with her.
After the conversation I broke down in tears , i felt so upset . Then I decided I should get closure . I msged him at night saying he can pay the money in installments and sent the details. Then I got to know he got his results . I asked him whether he passed and he said yes. Thats his final exam and I was waiting 5 years to hear that news. :) I said its a shame you never told me . He said we shouldnt chat often. I sent my details and said I need closure . I wished him luck and he wished the same. I dont know why he behaved like that .Pls kev, Do I still stand any chance?
I think you handled it pretty well and yes, in my opinion there is still a chance. But you should also try to accept that there is a chance that he will never come back.
Whether he comes back or not I will never forget you. I have written to you so many times and you have always guided me and provided me with a realistic answer! I'm ever so grateful. Thank you so much Kev! You are definitely a star! :D
Hey Gina,
I am glad I helped. Messages like this give me motivation to keep going.
Dear Kev,
After I got the closure last week I didn't speak with him. But yesterday I saw he has uploaded a cheesy pic on viber with the new girl. I ve known him for almost 5 years and I ve never seen him behaving like this. Since I have blocked him from whatsapp he has uploaded that pic on Viber. Do you think he is doing this intentionally to rub it on my face. He has been on this relationship for only 3 months and looks like things are moving pretty fast!
Please give me some inspiration. Im so hurt !
hugs and love
Gina
He is most probably doing it to rub it in your face. Don't let it bother you. You are doing great.
Hey Kevin, just thought I'd let you know that I'm following your steps fairly religiously, and am on day 22 of no contact. She only texted me once to "get her mail" and I played it off quite well, I still haven't seen her yet, I just left her mail with a friend of hers because I was so busy at the time when she texted me, but I was completely friendly and so was she. Anyways, I haven't received one of your emails in a few days, the last one I got was about CONSISTENCY, I'm sure you're very busy, but I can't wait to read on. I'm doing a lot better now, and am planning on potentially writing her a letter here in about two weeks, but would love to read more emails from you before doing so, it would greatly help my confidence, and reassure me that I'm making the right moves. Thanks so much for the help until this point, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
-Zach
Hey Zach,
Thanks a lot for your comment and I'm glad the emails are helping.
Hey Kevin,
So I've read your page and I'm wondering, when you send your ex the memories that you've had together, after a while you're gonna run out of memories, or she may get sick of them if you tell her the memories of the past all the time. So my question really is, how many kinda flashback/memory comments should you say to your ex. Also, what do you do if you ran out, and how long should you talk to your ex after non contact? A few minutes on Facebook? Or do you gradually build up the time you spend together?
I'll recommend not more than 2-3 of those texts. Those texts are more of a starting texts to get the conversation going. From that, you will need to steer the conversation to something more interesting.
Hey Kevin,
I sent a message couple days ago but can`t find it, so if you can answer this question it will be appreciated.
My ex and I go to the same drama class, therefore I`m wondering as I`ve still got a couple weeks left of no contact, if I should skip drama for like a couple of weeks, because if I go we will most likely talk. Our should I go and keep our conversation brief.What should I do?
Thanks a lot.
Go, but keep the conversation brief.
Kevin. I spoke to you over a month ago , about me and gf that said that she wanted to date other people . She dont me yesterday that she dumped me for her ex bf. My gf and her ex bf dated for three years and lived together. She got used by him big time, free rent. He is a man with three kids and my gf is 32 and no kids. They broke up for financial reasons the first time. We dated for 4 months but I slept at her place every other night. She never got over her ex as we were dating but I never consider myself as a rebound relationship cause she dated him 2 years ago. I know that he want to use her again for papers and she seem desperate to get married and in love with him. She doesnt want me to go to her place anymore and she has threatened to ca the cops. She bagged to stay as friends for a while since we broke up 2 months ago but she want to be left alone. He is a lot worst than me financially. How much of no contact ( I was never able to applied at first place until today and I begged for last two months to get back until I learned the truth last nigh that I got dumped for ex and not for the reasons she told me) what do you suggest me to do in order to get her back? Should I still keep her on facebook? No contact for how long? Please advise.
Julian, I read your post. Kevin will probably give you a much better insight of what you can do but since we are all here for the same reason I would just give my opinion and you decide whether to take it or just pass it by: Please ask your self if you really want to be with a girl that has gone as far as saying that she still loves her ex and wants to be back with him?? Who has threaten to call the cops and told you to avoid visiting her house?? I would really think my next step if I were you man because I do not think you will have mental peace and trust thinking you are with a girlfriend who is in love with somebody else in case she decides to have you back. You will probably have second thoughts in your mind all the time, if she is talking to him or still seeing him. Sometimes you need to move on and continue your life, all things happen for a reason and I am positive there is somebody else far better suited for you than your ex out there. Your situation and mine is different but the outcome is the same, move on in life. Hope it helps!
Kevin. Yesterday I spoke to her brother, he said he doesnt know if she is dating her ex but he advised to give her space and if it is meant to be we will be together. I'm not sure that she is seen ex, in theory their relationship would not work as he cant provide her what she wants, but she loves him. I was to much on her face, needy person that I drove her away, yesterday I went to her place and dropped my valentine teddy bear gift that I bought for her. She took it and kept it inside. I left a hand written note too explaining why she should not go back to him, I know what she wants and he cant provide that and for this woman money is important but still at first time she dated her ex she let him stay at her place for three years rent free. Guy had a job and made same as her and sent all his money to his bank account. Yesterday she text me back saying that I t was not necessary for me to tell her f off after I dropped my teddy bear at her door( valentine gift that I took it back from her after we broke up) I did apology but I told her that I told her to f off after she threatened me that she will call cops. Bottom line, she is not over him and not over me yet She loves him and likes me a lot. I told her to please stop talking to me if she is dating her ex( facts are telling me that she is just saying that but also Is a good chance that she is dating him) if she could get over him for two years, am I just wasting time with her? Told her not to talk to me anymore if she is dating him. Please advise. Give me a good explanation on what should I do.
The end of story comes today. I saw her today outside her house, She was very frustrated and told me to leave or call the cops, since i was outside of the house i said go for it, she was going out on a date to meet her ex bf that she dumped 2. 5 years ago. I just realized that i was a rebound. She never got over her ex and now she is getting so frustrated that i would not give up to the point that she threat me and went to police station to report me. What a bitch. I love her, i paid all the bills when we went out, and now she left me for her ex bf that abused her and not just that , but because i would not leave her alone she threat to put a restraining order against me as well as she went to the police station to do a deposition against me. Well, i met her as she sold me some furniture from Ashley Store and its against corporate policy to date customers so i used that to have stop threatening with restraining orders. I will never ever contact her again. What a user she was, she actually acted like she was looking for a great guy with stable job and career ( which was me to have a family with her ) when in matter of fact she dumped me for someone that use her just for sex and to save rent money. Kevin, i feel like that even if i would follow the no concact, with this person i would always be a rebound. Now , she is like, you call me , you going to jail? I never did anything to hurt her. Totally heart broken. Very sad.
Hey Julian,
Sorry it had to come to that. I think at this point, you should just concentrate your efforts in moving. Apply no contact indefinitely. I think she will get back in touch with you after a while when she realizes what she left behind. At that time, no matter how tempting it may seem, you should not answer her call. You should continue no contact until you are completely over her and have moved on in your life.
Kevin, I was miss leaded by her, she never did anything with the police , she threatened me to have me stop contacting her as in a matter of fact i was becoming to much, i would go to her work place at Ashley Furniture to just see her and not talk to her as i was pretending like i was buying staff, she felt threatened because i met her through Ashley furniture and that would compromise her job. I actually learned from her ex bf that she said that she went back to him that in fact she never got back to him and he never took her back ( i had a friend of mine that know him well to confirm this), so she is either dating someone else or is still single. Chances are that she is dating someone else. So she played me again and made me very frustrated to the point that i lost it. This is my last question. Do i keep her in Facebook as 1 week ago she wanted to remain distant friends or just delete her? I will never answer her phone call and i will move completely. Please advise . I m probably one of the only man that would have married her cause i loved her. She is a very preety woman , educated, super smart but she is looking way up there and financially i just dont make enought to make her my wife at the moment. I know, its crazy but i still love her. Please advise. ( We are still friends in facebook , but she never use facebook ) Last question.
IF you want to move on, then you should delete her.
I think you did the right thing. You should apply no contact now and stay away from her. I know it increases the chances of her going for the other guy, but if she does, it's her loss and your gain. You will eventually realize that you are better off without her.
I think you should apply no contact for at least 2-3 months. In my opinion, she is not worth pursuing as she never really got over her ex. She was never committed to you and you should really consider moving on during these 2-3 months.
Dear Kevin. This is my last question. She never did anything with police even thought she threaten me. She didn't wanted to hurt me. 2 weeks ago she wanted to remain friends, a week ago she wanted to remain friends, when she told me she went back to her ex, i freaked out and went to her house, she threaten to call the police, a friend of mine that is very good looking and rich added her on Facebook, appears that this is what she is looking for. She said she is single . This is what she said. My friend Antonio asked her, What are you looking for, She replied, A stable man that gives me the feeling of mental security and that we have the right connection. A guy that will take responsibility for his wife and family, someone that got my back ( I told her that many times but i didn't make enough money to be consider as someone that has mental security for her. As the conversation goes on with this guy that added her on Facebook she tells my friend ( she doesn't know that he is my friend ) that she broke up with me because she felt that it was not a complete connection, with her ex that she lived for three years and treated here as shit ( guy has an amazing body, he gets a lot of woman, he is like a pimp) Am good looking too but a little overweight. For me she said that i dated an European guy but we were not a complete connection, just didn't feel it.. ( sure, i treated her with respect and dignity ) with the guy that i lived for three yers , it was an instant connection ( well, yes, she was a lot younger than, 5 years ago, with me we took things slow cause both were looking to settle down ) To be honest with you Kevin, even we had a bad break up ( threatening to call the cops, never happen, i was the only guy who was ready to get her a ring, most of the other guys , dumped her and used her. She knows that, She also told me a few times that i like you a lot and it takes her a while to fall in love ) Anyway, What do you think of this? We broke up about 2 months ago but we always have talked to each other , until last week, she knows that i know that she is not dating anyone, and appears that she is single and looking for a man that , gives her mental security and have a complete connection. At 32-33 she is been unrealistic and i doubt it that she will find it. She expect man to pay all the bills and have a complete connection? She will have hard time finding it. I'm so sorry for continuing on this, but this is the true story. She dump me for she told me, wanted to find a better fit for her self and someone more financially stable. Do i have a chance to get her back, with positive changes in my life, Appears that she is never over her ex bf, and me the latest bf , left a positive impact on her but i don't think she want to even be friends any more. She is ignoring me totally. Please advise. Moving on is the best, but in terms of getting her back, is there anything i can do? She still have my teddy bear that i bought on valentine day, she have me on Facebook, her brother removed me from Facebook. So basically , she got sick of me chasing her and made up the story of going back to her ex ( ex hasn't talked to her in months , even years, i know that for a fact ) She is going on dates but not settling as she hasn't found the rich man that gets her back with a awesome body, that is family oriented ( am very much so and she knows that ) Every time i saw her, she called me back and talk to me like hunny, etc but always wanted to have me move on with life. Honestly i don't think she will find anything better than me.Thank You and this is the last question. God bless Kevin.
Hey Julian,
I think the best way to get her back is to give her space and let her try to find someone better. As you said, if she doesn't find someone better, she will come back to you. But think about this, do you want to be with someone who treats you as her backup? I think she even knows that you will be waiting for her if she doesn't find someone else. I strongly recommend that you apply no contact for at least 3-4 months and start going on dates during this time.
Hey Kevin,
first of all i want to thank for that amazing guide . you know i'm a kind of a optimistic person ,,, and I really felt like more karma power was charging my body ^_^.
but I was wondering about some stuff:
actually I'd made some of these mistakes & I started a NO CONTACT period ,, but unfortunately , I met her and talked with her after a couple of days while my NO CONTACT period & this was in a compulsory way , because we are in the same university and have many mutual friends :/
but everything was friendzoned , even i did two of these mistakes in this period ( after meeting her again ).
We have broken up for a more than month til now ,, and i think she is in a rebound relationship now .
so, Ii think i'll start a NEW NO CONTACT period and follow this great guide
and thank you again
Have a great Life,,,
Hi Kevin,
My ex contacted me after a few weeks of NC asking if we could talk. We've met up on a couple of occasions and it's gone okay but we've still not really talked and she avoids the subject when anything remotely heavy comes up. I don't want to push anything and I'm trying to keep the meet-ups as light-hearted as possible. But at the same time I don't want to fall into the trap of being there for support, advice, and company if it's just to make her feel better about the break-up.
She's said that she is still very confused, and she is obviously quite depressed. So I am very wary about playing mind games with somebody who is in that kind of mental state. I am currently trying to give her plenty of space, appear supportive and understanding, whilst also being careful not to put any more pressure on her by being needy or desperate.
We've arranged to meet up again soon, and I was just wondering if I am currently doing the right thing by being there for her, or I should pull back a little in order for her to realise that she can't enjoy the benefits of being in a realationship with somebody if we are not together anymore?
Any advice is greatly appreciated ;)
Hey,
If she was the one who broke up with you, then you don't really owe her anything. You don't need to support her through the breakup and you need to put yourself first. If remaining in contact with her is stopping you from concentrating on your life, then you should definitely pull back.
Hey kevin
only been 1 week with nc how long before u think she start to miss me
Hey kev
I have done the no contact for just over a month and I sent a letter a couple days ago just wondering how long I should wait to talk to her or txt her.
Use the checklist at the beginning of step 4.
Hey, i just want to let you know you (your daily insights) have helped me through a lot but i think i missed your last 3 emails. The last one i got was 'Using Facebook To Get Him Back (Part2)' on April 20.
Just got your latest emails. Thank you.
Hey Kevin. My ex & I have been officially broken up for two weeks as of today. We broke up because I said some things I shouldn't have said. And then on top of that he was still contacting his ex before me (which is the mother of his children) & I can understand that but I think their conversations were more than just about their child. I haven't been contacting him but I have been an emotional wreck. I was wondering would it be a good idea to talk to his aunt(who is like his best friend)? And what are some things I can do to get out of this slump I am feeling. I really do miss him and I think we shared a strong connection in the short amount of time we were together compared to the time him and his ex were together (8 years). He hasn't said anything to me. Should I be worried and contact his aunt? Or should I just keep my distance and wait to see what happens between us?
Don't contact the aunt. Follow the 5 step plan.
Hey
If you remember my past comments you'll know my ex pretty much never broke up with me but just started ignoring me. It's been over 30 days since contact now, is this a good first message: 'hey I had a big performance last night and I wore the lucky necklace you bought me, it worked! Hope you're doing good.'
Please tell me if it's okay and if not, what I can do to make it better.
Thanks.
I'll recommend one of the "something reminded me of you" text for the first message.
I wrote to you earlier explaining my story, I am currently 13 days NC and plan to be on NC for 1-2months. However, I am starting to lose hope. If a man tells you he wants to focus on himself and his goals such as going back to school and doesn't want to be basically distracted by a relationship, is there really any chance??
Yes, there is a chance. If he realizes a relationship will help him achieve that goal and will not be a hindrance. And when you get back in touch with him, he will realize that a relationship with you is worth it provided you don't be needy.
Hi there Kevin,
Things have been going well. Sort of. We met in group for some coffee, and she paid me a lot of attention. She told me it would be great if I could keep our dog another night because she was going to have a lesson. At night she linked a song on facebook, and later I linked another. She commented saying how funny it was that she thought about linking the same song. I told her I listened to the other song first too. She asked me to swear, and I did. Day after I wanted an excuse to get out of the house, and she was coming to get our dog. So I asked her if she mind me going with her to walk the dog (by text). She said she didn't think it made sense. I told her I was sorry, and that I thought she was comfortable with us being "cool". She said she was, but not this way. She then texted me to apologize, and I told her it was fine and to not be bothered by it. Told her I would meet some friends, and that she could pick up our dog at my place. She thanked me, and I told her there was nothing to thank for, and everything was alright. I had a great night with my friends actually.
I feel like I should have not texted her that, and highly regret it. I'm back to 100% limited contact, but I wanted to ask if what happened might be a big blow to my chances? I've been reading relationship rewind and it's actually a great read, not just for people who want their ex back, but for people in relationships. I wish I had found your book earlier.
Thank you Kevin.
And yes, you did warn me! I got careless because I thought it was pretty harmless at the time.
Hey Carlos,
I don't think it was big stepback. In fact, I think you handled it pretty well. She said no and you accepted it gracefully. Next time, don't be so hasty in asking her out.
I tried to comment 3 times. Non of the 3 comments got posted or answered :(
Sorry Jay. I've been away for the past 3-4 days. I answered your comment here.
It's OK that you replied to her. You didn't break no contact.
I don't think it's too late with the facebook updates thing. And it's not an absolutely necessary step anyways. It definitely helps, but it's not necessary. Use the checklist at the beginning of step 4 to see if you are ready to end no contact.
Hi Kevin.
my last comment didn't get posted and i realy want a answer from you so ill write a new comment. I am a 30 year old male and my ex is 25. We met trough Internet. And broke up on 1 February. We had a long distance relationship for about 14 months. I live in holland and she lives on spain. But I did go meet her in real life a few times and we where even planning to live together. On 1 February she just ended it. Told me she wanted to be just friends. And told me I deserved a better girl that lived close to me. A few days after the break up. She told me she didn't love me anymore. Wich is impossible bcuz we where deeply in love and where best friends. We talked everyday from the moment we woke up untill the moment we went to sleep. And also skyped everyday for hours. But after the break up i made all the mistakes u mentioned. Stalking her, begging, constantly texting her. And even turned into being mean and calling her names. One day I got so man I deleted her Facebook. And stopped talking to her for about 5 days. I ignored her text and phone calls then one day she sended a text saying. "I don't understand why u deleted me and stopped talking to me i miss talking to u but i ain't gonna beg for your attention" after that we started talking again. But I kept talkong about the break up and kept trying to get her back. Wich made her mad. Then I came across this website (I wish I found this earlier) and all her behaviour started to make sense. That night I had a arguement with her again. And i told her maybe it's best to not talk for a while and that i needed space and time. She agreed. That was 24 days ago. I Havnt spoken to her since then. But last 2 nights ago I had a bit to much alcohol. I was pretty drunk. And sended her a song and said "I love this song, gdnight". She replied with. "Omg jay. I'm so good to hear from you. And yes never heard this music before but it's very cool. I like it" I asked her gow she was doing and she said she was ok and she had a sunburn then asked me how I was doing. I said " im ok gtg sleep. Tc Bbe <3. I hope u doing good goodnight" then after she didn't reply anymore for a while I sended this stupid msg. "I see you forgot me already Hm well ok i hope your happy" next morning she sended me this "I was sleeping already.. Anyway i hope your good aswell tc". Since then we havnt spoken anymore. And I'm realy dying to talk to her again. I just wanne know what shall I do? I mean I almost had 24 days no contact. And when I contacted her I did it while drunk and in the wrong way. Do I have to start no contact again? Or didnt that drunk chat 2 days ago realy mess things up and can I just continue? I realy hope I get a answer this time. Bcuz i feel like she's slipping away from me. Growing further and further apart. And we where best friends. Plz help.
Ps: I wanne thank u so much for your daily emails. They helped me trough a very tough time. Thank u so much.
Hey,
I think you should apply at least two weeks of NC more and then get back in touch with her. The last text you sent her was a little bit needy. Don't repeat the same mistake.
Hi Kevin,
how can i exercise NC if we are staying in the same house?I cant just stay somewhere else and leave her pay the r house rent all by herself.any suggestion please?
I've written about it here.
It's okay that you missed it,i didn't send him anything.It was my nameday yesterday and he didn't wish me..His mother did,she was asking me how i was doing and i told he i'm great :) and she wanted to open a chat about general things (maybe she was waiting for me to say something about her son),i don't know if he told her to contact me and see how i am,or if she did it on her own.In previous times,she would just wish me and that was it.Now she was opening chats !?! Should i take that as a sign or what? I'm in day 10 of no contact.
Don't take it as a sign. A lot of times, mothers get involved without the knowledge of their children.
Hey Kevin,
Been dating this girl for over 2 years and recently broke up on a pretty good note. Saw her with another guy after 2 weeks, realized what I've lost, contacted her about it, acted a bit needy for a day or two, she pushed me away annoyed, so at the end of the week I just sent an email saying that I didn't mean to upset her, I'm happy for her, I'm all good, and told her to contact me whenever she felt comfortable. We've been an amazing couple in the first year and half so I doubt she could move on that quickly even if she had been planning it for the last month of the relationship, so I'm pretty convinced it's a rebound. I started NC and I'm planning to wait about 2 months to initiate contact again unless she ends up contacting me as long as it's after at least a month (NC has been just a week only thus far). My question is, is it okay to initiate contact after NC is over even if she is still with the new guy? How do I end up winning her back at that point? She seems pretty happy with the new relationship currently (been almost a month now).
Yes, it's OK to contact her even if she has another guy. When you get back in touch, approach her as a friend. Then slowly increase contact with her and build attraction and eventually ask her to meet up. As soon as you get back in the picture, her new relationship will start suffering itself.
Hey Kevin,
I was dating this girl at work for almost 7 months, things were really doing moderately well and we always had fun with each other and always spent time with each other.
About a month before we broke up she was having problems sleeping and I was having problems staying committed to her and started to act cold and started to want to go out less and focus on my own hobbies and not her.
1 week before the breakup, I got a promotion at my job and was sent to another store about 30 mins away from where I did work which requires me to work there for 3 months. She sounded happy for me and was proud. I would see her alot less because of this, I would rather go home then go see her. Instead I would call her on break every time I was there and slowly she started to talk less and started to care less. I would go over to her house occasionally to see her but she never really talked. Other then that, we would communicate via video chat or just texting.
When we broke up she didn't want to tell me (She was crying) but i knew what she wanted. I took most of my things and left the house and went back to my house. I didn't text her and went NC for the day and she sent me a text saying she missed me and was pretty much confused on her emotions. I talked to her briefly and 3 days after the breakup she called me crying saying she loved me and wanted to see me. I didn't say I loved her too but told her we could go out and meet. We meet, had dinner. We kissed and went back to our lives.
For about two weeks we would only text and she seemed to be getting better which made me feel better. I asked her for lunch and we ate and she seemed happy with her life. I made the silly decision to kiss her again when we left and that hurt me because I still cared for her and I wasn't sure if she did.
Since that lunch she has been doing more with her life. Going out with friends more, partying, and going to concerts and baseball games. Stuff I would want to do with her now. I sent her a letter (which i regret) stating all the mistakes I did in the relationship and apologizing for all of it and told her if she ever grew interest I would love a second chance and told her that i love her. She sent me a response saying she still thinks about me often and she isn't sure what she wants and that she wants to focus on her life and friends more but told me she wasn't ready for a relationship again.
Since then I've been no contact and it's been about 2 weeks. I've been working out and trying to go out more and get rid of my bad habits she told me she didn't like. Is she just focusing more on herself and isn't ready for a relationship? Is she trying forget me or move on by partying and drinking more and going out all the time or is she doing this because we never did before the breakup?
Should I just wait another 2 weeks and contact her again w/o the interest of getting back together and ask her to lunch again? Thanks Kevin for this site, it definitely has helped me through the hard times and I'm much happier now and hope everything works out.
Sorry forgot to say the ages but she's 23, I'm 25
Yes, you should wait another 2 weeks and get back in touch. As for why she is partying and drinking, I think the reason is a little bit of both the things you mentioned.
Thanks for responding, as for the contact method, should I just text her and follow step 4 and slowly ask her out to eat or should I do another letter but without the same mistakes?
It's your call. Both options are fine.
I decided to do no contact for a month since this past weekend. If my ex emails me a really nice and heartfelt letter (after some recent email exchanges processing our breakup a bit - he broke up with me a few days ago), but does not make any comments about wanting to get back together, is it okay to reply with something like:
"Thank you for your honest email. I've been doing a lot of self reflection for the past few days and want to tell you about it, but I think what I really need is some space and time right now. I'll contact you when I feel ready to." or is it better to leave out the part about the self reflection? I guess I don't want him to think I am upset with him after he took the few days he told me he needed to digest everything and reply in a way that I deserved (this is what he said).. so I want to be similarly respectful of him, and I don't want my email to sound like I am upset by anything he wrote. Or do you have any other tips? I don't think ignoring his email is a good idea for the same reason.. but I do want to apply no contact right away after that. Thanks for any advice you can give!
Yes, I think it's OK to reply with that email.
Well Kevin you were right about the hot and cold behavior, it did pass. On Friday at work I was in the break room eating my lunch and my ex happened to walk in and we always glance and smirk at each other. When he left and was out of sight, he sent me a text saying that I looked nice. I replied saying he looked handsome and he said, “Stop you’re making me blush.” After work, I thought he was going to go to the back where his truck was but instead walked with me outside to the front where we talked for about 10 minutes before I had to leave. He asked for a hug before we parted ways. My question is, how should I go about this in the future, and should I wait for him to make a move?
Yes, you should just continue the flirting and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn't make a move in the next 2-3 weeks, then you should ask him out.
Hello Kevin,
I know you probably are tired of seeing my name but I need some help. So I am going to start the no contact like you suggested but how to attract my ex back after meeting up with him and crying and talking about the past. I want to reverse all of that but how?? Will just the no contact and working on myself change that? Or is all hope lost he is being really distant now when just a week ago he was saying he misses me with sad faces. I really love him and know our love was true. I really want another chance, what to do? I'm sorry for so many messages and I thank you so much for everything!
Yes, no contact will change the way he thinks of you.
Hello Kevin,
This is Kesha Caser from previous messages below. I’ve basically failed at the no contact issue. I continue to have to start over. I have texted small things such as "How are you, hey whats up" and things of that nature. He responds back but it is very short or one or two words. I did talk to him about my feelings 2 weeks ago and all he could say is "man i messed up and to make it easier for me he wanted to keep in contact" I met up with him and basically just talked to him. He never once asked how I was doing. Everything was about him. I texted him Easter Sunday and we had a brief conversation. I sent him some encouraging words because he is trying to play professional football and will know the results next month. However, at the end of the encouraging text I stated, "In the mist of praying that we get back together, GOD has redirected me to encourage you. He did not respond back after that. I am still torn but is doing a lot better. It has been 2 days of no contact. What do I do from here?
Dear friend I have been in worst condition than ever I had an affair with a widow who happens to be my colleague as well We work at the same place but haven't shared a word or gesture since last 1 month initially it hurts but now I realised I am going to reap the benefits cause I have done my homework perfectly well to make her feel how important I am in her life
Yes, the no contact period hurts and is very hard. It has been 4 days today. The longest that I have ever been. I want to contact him but I know it is not worth it so I have to strive to continue the no contact.
Thanks for your encouragment.
Continue no contact and this time keep it for at least 30 days.
I am 21 and she is 22. Our almost 4 years relationship broke up after I slapped her for her fault and then she broke up with me, so did I. Then she tried me to come back to her but when I tried she would misbehave with me very bad. Then I would move on and she again tried to draw my attention. And then finally she broke up and for many family reasons she had no mobile internet and other stuff with what I could communicate with her. Sometime I could manage to contact her but she would avoid or misbehave with me very bad. Besides that her family situation was getting worse and her mom died after suffering 1 2 month. After hearing the news I couldnt control myself. I confront to her again and apilogize but she was very different. She said such things that I even didnt know she knows. Sometime I would give her space for 2 3 days and would again contact. Then she one day told me that she doesnt think I am a good person. So she is giving me a chance to prove myself. She will judge me in the next 2 month. If I get 90 out of 100 in her marking she will consider that I am a good person and she will stay with me. So I started good. As your article said I showed her my updated look, I showed her my changes and showed my happy life. One day she also told me that she still loves me and thats why she gave me the chance and having conversation with me. But something went wrong in the 2 month. She judged me so improperly which I couldnt agree. So I thought that if I ended up a winner by this and even finally win her passing his exam I will not be happy because I dont want such kind of relationship. So I decided not to get 90 but close to that so that there is a space for me to say that I didnt lose. So I ended up with 75 and broke up with her. Now almost 22 days have passed. I still love her and want her to come back. What do you think will she come back ? How is the possibility ? I have been sharing my happy moments in facebook so that she can see , is that right ? Please tell me what are you thinking including the answers of my questions. It should be mentioned that we had a truly intimate relationship and she was a very good girl. Before breaking up she said "please can I request you ? If you fail in the exam and we break up , dont at least contact me for 1 month. If you want to contact me. Then do it after one month" does that mean she wants me to contact her after 1 month ? Please tell me.. I am a very strong and a happy person but I care her and want her back.
I'll suggest you contact her after one and a half month.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my ex bf a month ago. We both are 27. We were friends for long time, dated for more than 3years, and lived together for more than a year. We were planning of getting married next year, but ex couldn't make up his mind completely and he left me after I mistakenly said we should break up. Soon after I realized I said too much and apologized, but he didn't change his mind.
We both were mentally unstable sometimes, which lead us having so many arguments especially for the last half a year. We got through a long distance before living together, I thought we had a strong bond. He says; 1. he can't imagine a happy future with me because we argue a lot, 2. he's very stressed out because of many other things so he wants to be by himself, 3. he doesn't know what to do in his life so I should be happier if I'm with someone else, 4. he knows I will support him for the future but one of us cannot be completely happy, 5. he sometimes think maybe the separation was a mistake but it was for the best. I couldn't accept the separation. I tried to talk to him a few times in person but we couldn't talk what we wanted to talk because he was so emotional and stressed.
In the last talk we had, I said to him we shouldn't see or contact each other any more. He said he didn't want it so suddenly because I'm still important to him, but finally accepted.
But after 3 days, I sent him a message saying 'we can be friends but I just need more time to sort out my mind' and 'I will be okay without you soon, but so far I feel it was very fun to be with you'. Of course he didn't reply me.
Do you think I still have hope and what do you think I should do?
Yes, you do have hope. I'll recommend you work on your communication issues before getting back in touch with him. I highly recommend the book "Non- Violent Communications" By Marshall Rosenberg.
Thanks, I'll check the book! Also, do you think no contact is still effective for men who give up on relationships because they're not confident in themselves and think their girlfriends deserve better?
Yes, it is.
Hi Kevin -
I'm reposting as I didn't read the guidelines before my first post.
My boyfriend (just turned 27) and I (turning 27 in May) broke up about a week ago. He said that he didn't feel the same way I felt about him. So I accepted it and never contacted him again. He reached out to me via text on Saturday to check in and see if I was doing ok and I responded because I thought it was rude that I didn't. I told him I was doing really well, I've been learning a whole lot about myself, and asked him how he was doing. He replied saying it's been hard for him, he hopes we can be friends and if there's anything he can do to make things easier for me to let him know. Towards the end of the text conversation, I asked him if we could have a closure chat at that moment because I felt like he didn't tell me everything about why we broke up. He said he wasn't in the right state of mind and suggested we do lunch this Saturday. I do love him and want him back but I'm not really sure what to do. Based on the plan I should not have lunch with him since it hasn't been 30 days and I haven't really made that many positive changes in my life. If so, how do I go about reaching out to cancel lunch? What do I say?
Thanks,
Sue
Hey Sue,
If you think you can handle the lunch, then go ahead and meet him and just try to stay positive. Don't show any signs of neediness during lunch. I think you've handled the breakup pretty well till now and you will do just fine with the lunch. You can start no contact after lunch again if you want.
Hi!
it has been 12 days after the breakup, i went on my skype and he erased me, I was not planning to contact him at all and i sent a contcat request by mistake! It was a mistake!!!! im not very techny what can I do??? it was a mistake!!!!
It's OK Adriana. Don't worry about it. Carry on with the plan.
Hey Kevin,
I've written here previously, I waited nearly a couple of weeks to get back in touch with my ex. I sent a text about me just finishing season 3 of Game of Thrones (we watched the first 2 together) something funny like 'Omg! just finised GoT 3, have you seen it? I'm in shock, I was doing 'the dance' to the music.' (we invented a GoT dance together). Then he replied, nope, he has been waiting patiently but now has the DVD, and the thought of watching it was a bit sad too :( and he will be doing the dance to the intro :). Then I asked, sad? It's epic! He said it's sad because it's something he enjoyed doing with me. Then I said just remember the dance and smile, that's what I was doing :). I then sent him some old pics of animals he asked me to take when he didn't have his camera when i was with him and said I was sending it to him because I was formatting my phone and to take care x. He didn't reply. What does all this mean Kevin? Is he trying to move on and get over me? He hasn't tried to get in touch with me since our conversation after he sent me a bday card. I really want us to work, I have a sense we are unfinished and still care a lot for each other, He has a lot of personal issues to sort like his health issues and needs a stable job, instead of my help he blamed me ... should I move on or give him yet more time? Thanks in advance, you rock!
It's a good sign. It doesn't necessarily mean he is trying to move on. He was just expressing what he felt and probably seeing you so upbeat made him a little confused. Give him some time to think and sort out his issues. Contact him again after a week.
Hi Kevin,
I sent a text after a week about something funny remindering me of him, he replied saying the same thing reminded him of me the week before. He then started sending sexy texts and said as I know he doesn't sleep around and I was the last time he had sex. He was reminiscing about us being intimate and how he misses that and I don't know if he meant it but basically hinted just at sex. I then said was going to to sleep? Night x... I haven't heard from him, it's been a couple of days and I always initiate contact. I don't just want sex, I want more than that. Is that all he wants? I thought he was moving on but now it's clear he still misses me, but he isn't initiating meeting up or texting, when I asked to meet last time he wasn't sure. I want him to sort his issues out before anything can happen. Where do I go from here? I don't want to always initiate with him, I want it to come from him... Your advice would be great Kevin, thanks a mill
Opps, typo, I meant to say I just said 'I'm going to get ready for bed now, night x'
Back off for a while. Give him some time to initiate contact.
Thanks, how long do I give him until I just let go and move on? Should it really be this hard to make it work again?
It's a question you should be asking yourself. How long are you willing to wait for him? How long is he worth waiting for?
I have question I bought relationship rewind and the magic letter is something I want to try but I'm doing the 30 day no contact rule and I feel like the magic letter wouldn't work in this situation what phase does the magic letter work because I feel like your approach with the letter is much better. She really hasn't contacted me much in this long 30 days does that mean she's done with me. I feel like she doesn't miss me and the more she doesn't contact me the more I feel like my feelings are true. I Have good days and I have bad days and sense I'm writing you today's been a pretty bad day i'm letting my paranoia of her moving on get the best of me and it's all because I haven't heard from her. Our relationship problems was my fault I took her for granted and I didn't treat her like the queen she was but that's because I was so comfortable around her I just didn't think things would go wrong. She started to change at her place of work because the guy she works with would flirt with her and She felt they were giving her the attention I wasn't. Towards the end I did become very clingy very needy and when she broke up with me I cried as she wiped my tears away telling me she hated to see me like this but I just loved her so much. I know you said time heals everything but she works with these guys every day and I believe she is dating one of them and the more I don't see her and the more she sees them I fear she will forget about me. Anyways what do you think and thanks for all your help you really get me through the day with your emails
Hey John,
The magic letter in relationship rewind works great if you have already established friendship with her. I don't think it has happened in your case and I'll recommend you use the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan. When you do get back in touch with her, then the texts and the conversation ideas in relationship rewind will be of tremendous help. I am glad the emails are helping you. Even if she is dating someone, it will not make her forget about you. In fact, people who go in rebound relationships actually take longer to get over a breakup. A rebound relationship does provide comfort, but it doesn't really help in healing from the breakup.
Hi,
I am emotionally and physically seperated but still living with husband.
I met a single guy last Oct/Nov and dated for about 6-8 weeks. I fell for him.
He said we need to do no contact and then be friends. I think he wanted a 'single' woman or so he said.
I tried contacting him every day. But he did not reply. After 8 weeks he replied and wanted to get back together and wanted unprotected sex. I said no but we made out. After that he lost interest and said we cant go out anymore. Since then he says we are only text friends and nothing more since I am still 'married'. I plan on filing papers soon but he wont believe me.
Last week I went over to his house and he was gone till mid night. I got very mad and yelled at him that he's out on a date and that he used me etc. etc.
he said I am stalking him and wont talk to me anymore. :-(
I want him back so badly but how to? I think he was out with someone else and that's killing me.
i am finding doing the NC very very hard. Advise please.
Hey Nora,
I think you are putting him on a pedestal. You are getting out of a marriage and you are hoping to hold on to him because when you look at him, you see comfort and protection. But in my opinion, he might just be a rebound for you. And you want him around because you think you need someone to deal with everything you will be going through when you file the papers. I might be wrong about all this. But I believe, you should file the papers, separate from your husband completely. Be single for a while and learn to be happy while being single and then contact him.
We were together 12 years, two kids. Two months after I left he moved a woman and her three kids in. Our divorce was final January of this year. We have slept together once (I know, I know).... Following this his girlfriend found out and shut down all communication. We have been six weeks no contact. Today I had to discuss something to do with our son and the conversation went from there. It was really good, we shared memories and such. However, I messed up and got too personal, too close. He was talking about us meeting and I told him I didn't want to be the other woman. I asked him his plans for the new girlfriend, as she told me they were getting married. He shut down. Then I asked if he wanted me to just give up on him.... his reply was... I don't know Cinda, I really just don't know. WTH is going on? I guess I kinda ruined it, huh? BTW: All this was done by texting.
Hey,
I don't think you really ruined it completely. You still have a chance. But next time you talk to him, don't get too personal too soon. He is definitely having second thoughts about all this, but if you keep asking about all this, you will be pushing him in the wrong direction.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks again for all your help and all your great articles... I may not get my ex back at the end of this but I have never been happier in my life so I will always be grateful to you in any case:) Now to my conundrum...
Short recap: 1 yr dating, 2 mths NC, he started officially dating this girl 2 weeks after me, been together for almost 3.5 mths now.
So, we have been texting for over 1.5 mths. When he is free we sometimes text for hours and hours and mostly every day. I asked him out for a coffee 3 weeks ago, he was happy to come, he took me to a nice place, he called me by a cute name, he even hugged me at the end which I really did not expect. We continued talking a lot afterwards, mostly him initiating. Then once we went without texting for 4 days (I can be stubburn :) ) and on the 4th day he randomly invited me out for a coffee. I couldn't come so we postponed to a later hour. He seemed a bit "shy", like, he wouldn't look me in my face while talking to me but not sure if in a good or bad way. At the end I think he wanted to hug me again but I was scared it would be awkward so I left right away. This was about 10 days ago. We continued chatting, he even sent me quite a few pics of him, last time even 3 naked pics from behind (we were talking a lot about our workout/muscles etc). I didn't reply so he texted me again asking for a comment, which I found amusing :) He did this a couple of times which I found funny since he is not the most prompt replier but I always just wait - whenever he replies, he replies. I don't go crazy over it anymore. Then last week I asked him if he would join me to go to cinema. His actions after this were so confusing. At first he said: Are we going to the beach afterwards? :P:D Joke... but everytime you mention cinema I remember those times on the beach :) (-a couple of times after cinema we went to cuddle etc to the beach). I replied that we can go to the one in the mall if the other one brings too many memories :) To which he replied: I didn't say they were bad memories you silly girl :). He also asked me when are we doing something else together again (a hobby we both share). Anyways, I asked him to let me know during the day and he agreed. Thing is... he didn't.. he only replied the next day that he is still at work and he would be working till the evening. I couldn't understand if he was happy to have an excuse or annoyed or what, cause his reply was so cold. I only reply the next day joking that he could have told me he didn't want to come and I wished him happy holidays. This was on friday. For the past 3 fridays before that I went out with a friend of mine and we ended up hanging out with his best friends. He was annoyed that he couldn't join us. Last friday he took a day of and joined them but I went somewhere else so I hope that maybe he was hoping to see me there but his last reply makes me doubt that. He only replied the next day saying: don't be silly:/ and wishing me happy holidays and saying that he will be working. This was 2 days ago and just while I was writing this he texted me asking about my holiday. I thought he would have waited longer;) ANyways, it all looks quite ok except for the fact that he is still with her. Honestly, I doubt he is going to leave her since she is so accommodating. I know he is not into her that much, everyone knows that except her is seems (she is 10 yrs younger so it might be that). He is kind of keeping her secret even after all this time. And she is just so naive and I don't know why would he leave her since he has got all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit at all, without having to put any effort in it, without any drama. I am happy now, I have all the patience in this world, but I am starting to feel a bit bad doing it. Like, he would compliment me a lot, we would go for coffee, we would chat every day for hours.. then I would see a love song from her on his FB wall and it would make me feel awkward. Not even annoyed or sad ...just awkward. We not once spoke about her although he tried to make me jealous about some other girl that I used to be jealous of but without success;) Any suggestions on how to proceed? Even if he doesn't want to be with me or still have doubts etc, shouldn't all this make him realise he is really not that much into her and leave her?
I think the best course of action will be to not force anything on him just yet. From what you described of their relationship, it will probably end soon. He might be enjoying her naivety right now, but eventually when things get serious with her, he will feel smothered and want to end it. What you should think about is how long are you willing to wait for him. I think you should even start going on dates and moving ahead on your life. Even if you are not looking for anything serious, it will help you gain some perspective. And it might have the added benefit of him realizing that he will lose you forever if he doesn't make a move soon.
I kind of agree with you. Trust me, I am not putting my life on hold for him, I go out a lot and meet new people etc. I would even go on a date if there was someone I remotely liked but so far no luck. Yes, his relationship is rubbish (even our common friends say he doesn't really care much about her... and it's not to make me happy since at the beginning they admitted he was very happy with her), but I don't think he will leave her anytime soon. It's just that it seems too comfortable for him to have a reason to leave her. And she seems ok with his breadcrumbs of attention. He said he will take me to the cinema when he comes back from holidays in 10 days and I told him to let's just talk once he comes back and arrange a meeting then. To kind of go NC for 10 days but without officially going NC. I think he will miss me more than I will miss him, I don't really mind going NC. If after he comes back I don't see a noticeable difference I think I might want to cut contact with him again. I used to enjoy talking to him and be flirting again but there's an italian saying that says: A game is good until it gets too long. I am happy now but if I see that he is making me stressed again I would rather let it go. So here's my question... what is the best way to tell him I would rather we stopped talking again? I might need to give him an explanation and I don't want to sound weak by doing it. Any suggestions?
Just give it to him straight.
Kevin,
Finally some insight after much searching. Thanks!
She moved out a week ago, back to an old flame who is "taking care of her". All her stuff is still in our [my] apartment. I asked her about moving it out. She responded "Why do you push and push and push?" Yes it's been a long week. I fell into all the above traps. My no contact venture starts today - Day 1. She texted me yesterday. "Happy Easter" she said and a couple of other oddity's. Apparently what she is saying to me and what she is saying to other people [who are advising her not to come back] are polar opposites.
This is horrible. Tell me it gets better.
M.
It will definitely get better.
Hi Kevin, it's me again. I contacted him about dissolving the asset this Sat as I didn't want him to have any resentment for dragging it too long. I decided to end it as I am already in the feel that we need to clean our slate for us to restart again. It so happened that I am already into using LOA and that's when you emailed about The Secret and about taking action. I felt even more ready to let him know subtly how I still feel about him and I want to apologize and thank him for all the love that he showered on me for 5 years.
Everyday I've been getting signs and sudden visions about him coming back and as each day past, each vision was another step nearer. Everything was very random and would appear at random times of the day but it was all very sequential. E.g. suddenly remembering his smell 2 days ago and then felt how it was like when he held my hand and then about him feeling jealous when I was helping a guy friend out. It all felt very real.
Today, when I truly felt like we were together in another reality, out of the blue, his elder sister messaged me. I was so surprised yet happy at the same time. Suddenly it dawned on me if this is yet another sign that is following the day-by-day sudden visions. His sister asked if how am I and whether I'm still in contact with her brother. I said "he contacted me to sign the hdb letter because it has been dragging for too long. Lol I don't know if you count that as contacting." And she went on to ask am I feeling better?
I told her yeah, don't worry. Although I can't bear to draw the line so clearly after selling the house, but nvm. (Of course I felt like house or not doesn't matter if it can bring us a 2nd chance.) And she told me "you are a very good and nice girl. My brother don't have the fortune. I'm sure you will find a better man."
Sighs. I don't know what she meant by that because I had a sudden thought that he's dating someone new? Yet I would have conflicting thoughts like circumstances don't matter, only state of being matters that kinda thing you know. I asked how is he? And she said he is moving on with his life very well and you should too. And I just replied "Yeah I can tell. He told me he wanna faster put the hdb behind us so we can move on. Otherwise it's a thorn that is bothering him. Don't worry ba. I have moved on from all the hurt and sadness. Perhaps I just need more time for my feelings to fade entirely."
Simply do not know what to reply to a message like this. It sounded really negative and I didn't want her to think I'm delusional if I were to show I'm acting like we're together already. I wonder if this is a past vibration coming back to test me considering that I'm so ready to win him back this coming Sat when we meet. I was already in the feel when this had to come. Honestly, it did knock on my confidence. When I thought about the sentence "My brother just don't have that fortune. I'm sure you'll find a better man", I felt down and almost felt like tearing. But I didn't. Even now when I type this, I felt like this was a past vibration coming back to test me.
What would you advise?
I don't think you should let yourself be bothered by what she said. You should still continue with what you plan on doing.
Kevin,
So here's my story. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. 2 Months ago he told me that he loved me, still cared about me and he was happy with me but something about the relationship was making him unhappy and he didn't know how to fix it. After 2 months of trying to figure out what went wrong, I tried to do everything possible to fix things and eventually I pushed him away. We had a huge argument last week and I told him if he was so unhappy to pack up and leave and that's exactly what he did. Well the 1st 3 days he was gone I did everything you said not to do, I cried, I pleaded, I practically begged on my hands and knees for him to come back home. I texted him constantly begging for an explanation to why he would leave. Finally he gave me a reason and I understand it now. Basically he said our relationship became too much of a routine and boring and he lost interest. Which makes sense because we both work the same shifts at work and from the second we are out of work we do the same things every single day. The excitement and adventure had died down but I feel that that was something easily fixable and he feels he didn't know how to fix it. It's hard to give up on someone I care so deeply about and especially when the only thing that was wrong was the fact that our relationship became routine. He works where I work part time (2nd job) and we have many mutual friends. On Saturday he went to a good friend of ours and asked him of he I told him what happened, our friend told him whatever is going on on our relationship was between us but he was aware that we were broken up. My ex went on to say "whatever she told you is a lie" and was really upset. Apparently my ex thinks I went around telling everyone he left me with nothing. When in all honesty the few people that do know the situation I've told them the complete opposite, he is still helping me with the household bills till I find a roommate. Well I've had NO CONTACT with him for the past 4 days but it really bothered me that he would thing that I would bad mouth him so I sent him a text. All I said was whatever has happened between us is just that "between us" , I let him know that I'm no longer angry and I've accepted the fact that he made the decision to leave and I have no reason to bad mouth him when he's still helping me out. He replied and said "oh ok, no worries". Was I wrong for texting him? Should I start the 30 days NC over?
I think it's OK that you texted him. But since it's only been 4 days, I'll recommend you start no contact again.
hi Kevin,
first of all, thanks for always replying to my questions here..its a relief..all the time.
i have completed 30days..and during the NC period over 21days my ex texted me twice (a day after the other)..i didnt reply coz i was really doin NC very well..i replied eventually after NC period is over thus a 2days after the 30th day.. in his texts he was askin how i was doin and that he saw me somewhere..and like i said i replied acc 2 his question.. and told him i was “distracted” recently so it took me a while to reply. and thing is.. he hasnt replied at all and on whatsapp we all see when a user sees our msgs so.. How do i know what his reactions are? how do i know what his intentions are for not replying me yet? i cant tell if he is upset or what? it just puzzles me that he wont reply when he messaged me twice in the first place. I only texted once but im really worried why he wont reply back.. Hence It took me 4 days to respond due to me being in NC.
please help. Appreciate ur advices.
thank youxx
Hey Daisy.
It's OK he is not replying. It could be he is trying to take revenge or it could be he is applying no contact himself. Regardless of his reasons, wait another week (preferably two) and then contact him again using the texts mentioned in the article.
Hi. I have been seeing this guy for about a month now. Within two weeks his ex who had moved across the U.S. was continuously on every status update. When I asked him one time about it, he simply said it was mutual and they were fine with the breakup. One week after I had asked, she was posting winking faces. So, I calmly asked again. The man went on to declare love for this girl he had literally known for two months. I accepted it and agreed to just be friends. Within a few days he immediately began apologizing for days. I told him I'd be fine with friendship but if he expected more, at that point I'd need for ties to be cut with her before I could feel comfortable. He told me he entirely agreed and told me he removed her from his online accounts. We agreed to hang out casually for a day at an Easter egg hunt. He made plans with me for the next day. By 3 pm the next day he never responded to my text. I didn't send another, I waited until 8 pm when I had still not heard from him and checked online just to see that she was once again putting winking faces all over the photos I had taken from the previous day. When I asked him and explained once again that if he wanted more than friends with me, I could not trust the situation with her deliberately causing problems just because another girl is around. The girl ignores him constantly and calls him names. He is once again asking me to be his friend and is telling me he "isn't talking to her like that" . I really do like him, so I dunno what to do. Should I tell him I'm okay with being friends to end it peacefully then begin the no contact, or begin now? Or is the situation just something to forget about entirely?
I think he is confused and if you can walk away, you should. You have not invested much time in him and I don't think it's worth it to invest more time in him.
Hey, well me and my ex got out a relationship around 2 weeks ago. It was a mutual break up, where he suggested it, and I confirmed it, because he was just a mess, and I couldn't handle anymore pain. We agreed to stay friends, in which we basically talked everyday.. Like out of 14 days, we talk for 12. He somewhat talks about our pass, like how I kiss, and then on Facebook he liked a picture of how to kiss quote thing. I can't do the no contact rule, because the more I talk to him the more I try to get over him. I don't know what to do... It's like I want him back, but I don't because he's somewhat a bad influence on me. But is there anyway I can make him miss me, and want me back, but not stop talking to him? We talk online a lot... But in person, we haven't see each other since... What do I do?
You can't make him miss you if you are always available for him to talk to.
Hey Kevin,
We are just 18.Its been 2 days since my breakup, i tried to clear the misunderstanding that i wasnt insecure about our relationship and i was just worried about you after that fight we had ,,then pleaded a bit(im sorry im only human i made a mistake, please give me another chance ) then said that take ur time to think about it , ill keep waiting,and after that I'm doing no contact thing. our relationship was 3 months but a very good one and we were taking it seriously as well, i was insecure at the beginning as she made her moves on me(giving me the cold shoulders even in stupid arguments but she made up later and told me that she appreciated about the last gift or message i sent before the argument)but i started to show confidence and trust later on and didnt begged for her forgiveness till the fight, when she was breaking up i did tried to fight back so i didnt became a doormat. Well, is there anything I have to say before giving no contact now? and im actually happy and living even though shes not around, but just thinking would be a lot better to get her back.
No, don't say anything. Just start. If she calls, tell her you need space and time.
Hi Kevin,
I was in a 2 years long distance relationship with a gal and distance has never been our issue and we stayed in touch everyday and talking like other couples pretty much about everything and she was supposed to come to me after completing her law but then she was having hard time on getting passport and at the same time she was stressing out about her career and family pressure for not focusing on career. It was too much of stress for her to deal and after taking one week off from me she texted me saying that she couldn't deal with anymore and lost feelings for me and cant come to me and broke up. I didn't even know it's coming because she was all normal beside stress for her career. We decided to continue talking as friends but i still love her and want her back but talking to her making things worst because she is always busy and dont have time to message or call and it's me who initiates to maintain contact. I have done 1 week of NC with her but then ended up calling her because i was missing her badly and she was irritated about me calling her over and over again on that day so first she told me that we should keep it this way only it will help both of us in moving on but then asked me to call her back later and then she was all normal and said we will still talk. Please advise what should i do with my situation because sometimes she gets irritated and say stuff to hurt me.
Please help :-(
Tell her you need space and time and start no contact again. This time finish no contact and follow the advice.
Hi kevin, my wife and I are, according to her "not together anymore". She's given me plenty of second chances and I've screwed up a different way every time. We are still living together and have 3 children. She told me she's talking to other guys as "friends" nothing serious right now and doesn't want to get back together because she's psychologicaly ruined her. She also told me she's planning on moving out, but isn't sure yet. would you or anyone recommend doing these 5 steps even though we are still technically married and live together?
If according to her you are not together anymore. Then yes, you should. But instead of no contact, use limited contact. Only talk to her when she talks to you. Be cordial but don't talk about anything personal. If it's possible, tell her you think you both could use some space and time right now and move out for a month or two.
So, I've been with my ex for 2 years, he broke up with me on monday. You can probably guess how broken I was. He said it wasn't working and we were arguing too much. He had just been living at mine for 3 months due to family issues. So we basically we were together 24/7. We never had space, never had alone time with our friends and there was alot of stress on our relatioship. But everytime i kissed him goodnight, i told him i love you and i meant it.
I've been annoying him with my constant texts, messages and calls. I've pushed him away even more by stalking him on instagram and texting him out of jealously whenever I saw he liked a girls picture or they commented on his pictures. He has been ignoring me for a while, always out with his friends and takes hours to text back. But I saw him on Thursday and we spoke for a bit, he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me. Today at half 12 he texted me saying he has a new girlfriend.
Now I'm really fucked. He told me he's been with her since Thursday. I'm going to give him some space now. I don't know how to. Is there any chance? But i don't know if this is a rebound? I don't know if giving him space means losing him.
Giving him space doesn't mean losing him and it's most probably a rebound. You should follow the plan.
Dear Kev,
Just as you told me I waited another 3 days ( you told me to wait 5 tho :( and the NC was for 27 days). I replied him and he replied immediately saying he wants to talk and he called me . I said hello and he was repeating that hello couple of times in a cheeky way I ignored and said good morning. He asked about the amount he owes me and I said i cant remember now, will check it and let u know, and I said bye and hung up on him. He msged me on whatsapp asking my bank details. After 20 mins I sent him the amounts with a line of what they are for . when I said anything else ? he said yes and he was asking whether he could pay me that every month. He also said he is sorry for what he did ! He said he was in my town last Wednesday ( he texted me saying he wants to call ) and he stopped at our favorite restaurant for lunch and that he remembered me so much.I said I went to a place we used to hang out and I remembered him too ! then he said he wanted to see me so badly cz he missed me . But since I didnt reply he has lost hope.He said I know its not nice but I wanted to see u and he asked me whether im good. I said im doing great . He said he started practicing as a doctor and when I asked how he is he said Im ok , surviving ( I dont know he jumped in to a relationship soon after our break up ) .Then he said we should stop this weird convo and I said its not so weird after all. He asked wt I m doing and I said two interviews coming up and that im busy with an exam. He asked me to give his regards to my dad since he cant face him. And he said he gotta go and he said stay blessed , take good care and all that. I wished him the same. OMG I feel so good to hear from him but Kev i have no clue what happened to his new girl. He wanted me to tell the decision about paying that money in installments and I said sure!
What should be my next steps? should I wait until he chases me for my decision? or shall I ignore him to show that Im not needy !
Bdw Kev ur articles are so helpful. I really didnt sound too nice or rude. Followed your methods about texting too. :D They worked. So happy right now but I dont want to get my hopes up anyways. Tell me what to do. Hugs !
Let him initiate contact with you. If he doesn't contact you in the next two weeks, then you should do it using one of the texts in the article. All the best.
Thank you kevin -the star! :D :D hugs!
Hi Kevin, today completed seven days of no contact and my ex-girlfriend sent a today a short text message saying only "Haapy Easter", but I did not answer.
But I'm desperate to have her back, what's making me doubt is, she's trying to put me in friendzone, or she's missing me and trying re-approach me again? She's just testing me? How can I know? Keep going with no contact?
Thanks
Hey Leanardo,
I think it was just a simple text and there was no hidden meaning behind it. It would have been fine even if you replied to her. But regardless, you should continue with the plan right now.
Hey Kevin,
So kind of a long story but I am excited and I needed to share with someone. I waited about a week and I texted my ex saying I had a dream about him, which sparked a conversation. I told him about it (it was a funny dream) and he called me and we laughed and talked for two hours. He told me he got some girls number and she reminded him of me and that he found the "Toronto version" of me. Apparently she is 24 and a teacher. He is 19. I gave him my opinion (he asked) which was that if I was 24, I would not date that much younger but that is just me. He said she is older so he would have to change and be more mature for her because she wouldn't put up with as much stuff as I did. Basically, I feel like even if something did bloom there, it wouldn't last long because 1. she is not me, he is looking for me in someone else and there really is no other me and 2. he can only pretend not to be himself for so long. I said something like good luck i don't know why you want this girl so much and he said I just miss you a lot. I told him I thought boys were stupid and he laughed and asked why and I said do you love me? do you want to be with me? do you miss me? he answered yes to all three questions and I said well I am right here ! I said it made me sad that he gave up because if he had just waited a bit longer things would have changed. He made it clear that he was tired of traveling to see me every two weeks and that's why we ended, and I said if he had just waited then I would have had the money to visit him, but oh well he made his choice. I feel like I gave him a lot to think about. We didn't talk for a day but I texted him this morning saying Happy Easter today and we texted all day. I could tell it was only because I was keeping the conversation going, but we talked about more old times. After I put "lol" he didn't answer me back. I don't really see the problem here like, I told him he wouldn't have to travel anymore and that was his issue, I wouldn't mind going to visit him he came to me for a year so it could be my turn, and obviously we still want to be together so why isn't he make any moves? I want to ask him why he is going to go for the half assed version of me when he can have the version he really wants like I don't know what he is thinking and I don't really know where to go from here? Thanks Kevin
Also, I feel like the only time we talk is when I initiate the conversation, otherwise there won't be one. How do I make him chase me ? I post stuff on Facebook all the time and I know he see it. I feel like we could go for 2 weeks without talking if I don't say something.
Then go two weeks without talking. That's the best way to make him chase you.
Give him some time to think everything through. I'll say about two weeks. Then get back in touch with him. It's quite possible that he will pursue the relationship with that other girl before getting back with you. He is young and probably wants to explore a little bit as well. If he does get in a relationship with her, let him have his rebound. Don't act needy about it at all.
hey kevin i hav commented you but you havn't answered yet please answer please..
I answered you here Sandy.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago. We were together for a year and seven months. So, I did all of the wrong things in the beginning. After we broke up he was really close to my cousins, so that's who he talked to while I had no one. I did the wrong thing by calling and texting him nonstop. I went to his apartment and forcefully talked to him in person to try and talk to him. Before the in person conversation he blocked me on all social media, but said he would unblock me when I calmed down. I was wondering my next steps exactly since I feel that I'm already 5 steps behind the start of this. Mostly the problem with the relationship was our constant fights with one another over petty things because we started living together 1 month into the relationship. I also told one of my cousins to tell him that I wanted space with zero contact. Any advice would help I love him very dearly.
Hey,
I don't think you are 5 steps behind. A lot of people screw up after breakup and it's not a big deal. You've already started no contact, so continue with the plan.
Could you go over the 30 day no contact, say you did 50 days? Would that be better or worse to your relationship? And what might be the maximum time of no contact?
Thanks
Hey, I'm not Kevin but I believe that he suggests you take as much time as you need to better yourself, so if that takes 50 days, then take 50 days! Whatever you need to improve yourself.
Hey Jason,
It depends on the type of relationship and the type of breakup. You should do no contact till it's necessary. There is a checklist at the beginning of step 4. If you don't meet the requirement of ending no contact, then you should extend it. As for the maximum time, again it depends on the relationship. Some people get back together after years of no contact.
Hey Kevin
I dated my ex for 4 months and the last month she has been living with me because her family moved overseas (I'm in Australia and her family is in New Zealand). We had a lot of arguments as we are young and it was my first proper relationship and when I look back on it now everything was my fault from always wanting to go out, not sacrificing things for what she wanted to do etc. she told me that she's seen a side of me that she never expected from me and I feel like an idiot. She is moving back to nz to study and I want her back after she does and there could possibly be another guy in the picture she has known since she was younger
What should I do
Cheers
Follow the advise in the article.
Dear Kevin,
I left a comment a couple days back. I would like to know how long to apply the no contact rule for if I have been with her for three years?
Hey Mark,
I didn't receive your previous comment for some reason. You should apply no contact for at least one month. Use the checklist in the beginning of step 4 to determine when to end it.
Our 3 years (almost) true honest pure relationship broke up because I slapped her (I am not that type of person but I was having a hard time that time) . I was trying to put the relationship to end but after getting slapped she expected me to get back for almost 20 days which I avoided. Then I started missing her and contacted her and could know that she was having serious family problem. I felt sorry and became guilty. I would email her and she would reply whenever she could but she was serious that she is not going to keep this relationship. After I slap her, almost 3 months have been passed and her mom died suddenly and I felt more guilty. That time she started acting like crazy , she started saying that she hates me etc etc but I was in a sorry stage. Then after almost 15 days of her moms death I called her and we argued a lot and she said "ok I will continue relationship with you but you have to prove yourself. If you get 90 out of 100 in 2 months in my marking , that means you are a good human being and I will get back to you. I agreed and one day of our 2 month period she told me that she still loves me and thats why she had given me the chance.. I gained much numbers and suddenly I realised that even if I get 90 and get back to the relationship , I will not become happy. I will be more happy if I fail but she accepts me. Then I again started acting differently and ended up getting 75 points. Then we broke up. Before breaking up she said she cant trust me , I am a selfish person. Other than that she also said "please dont contact me for at least 1 month " (does that mean she wants me to contact after 1 month?) ... what can I do ? Almost 10 days have passed and I am leading a happy life now. Sometimes I miss her but I am doing everything i can do to make myself happy. I am gymming, earning money, going out with friends , and showing my happines in facebook (should I continue showing it?) . I still want her because I love her and whave feelings for her. What do you think would be best for me ?
Hey George,
You shouldn't contact her for at least one and half month. If she wants to contact you after one month, she has fifteen days. If she doesn't and if you still want to get back together, get back in touch with her.
Hi there,
Great advice here:-) really like it.
I have followed your advice for a few week now. He has responded very positive to my texts for the past 2 months, but he hasn't asked me to meet me yet What do I do?
Continue positive texts for another few weeks and then ask him out yourself.
Hi Kevin,
Now my situation is a little more complicated, so hope you can help. I was the one that ended it with my ex Gemma in August last year, however we have seen each other a few times after this. I am with someone new and she is also with someone new and there has been bit contact the last few weeks. Even tho I was tho one that ended this, I know realised I want her back, but at the same time I am worried that all the rows, etc we had will happen again, but I/we both know and both said to each other in rebound relationships and still tell each other we love each other, now I want my ex back and have unblocked her from all social medias in hope she will get in touch, should I contact her or wait for her? Please advise, Sarah.
If she doesn't contact you in a month, you should contact her.
Kevin,
My ex and I dated a little over two years and she just threw the curve ball out that she was unhappy with her life, us, her job, mostly everything and she hasn't been feeling like herself. Before she "ended" it which was her basically saying she's clocked out, needs time and space, and needs to work on herself. My stance was I'll help you through this because were a team, but she needs to do it herself.
My problem is I wasn't very attentive to her. I had trouble saying I love you in the beginning of our relationship because I had been hurt a lot and the words lost their meaning to me for awhile there. But I knew I liked her. I said I love you a few times during our two years and three months. She said I was her it, I completed her, that she never felt this way and that she'd wait for me to come around to eventually start showing and showering her with love and saying I love you affection.
Add to this that I use to have issues with marriage. But I never thought about it with her, and all of sudden it made since me. I wrote a hand written note during our first week of no contact. She said she appreciated it, and knows I'm sincere and that it's not out of desperation but she basically resents me now for not saying I love you back for so long. SO I don't want to beat her over the head with it now obviously. She keeps saying "Let it be, and if things bring us back together, they will" or "if it's meant to be, it'll be"
I'm totally besides myself. I'm an idiot for not realizing how much she meant to me in the beginning and I'm filled with regret and resent myself now. We even still have a vacation planned in another month, that I may have to cancel now. Do I give her time and space to find herself and figure it all out, I feel like this was a wake up call and slap in my face to realize holy crap. I may have just lost the only girl i could see myself marrying. Thanks man. I appreciate you reading this.
Hey Joe,
I think you do have a chance. Yes, you should give her space and get back in touch a week or so before the planned vacation.
Thanks for the reply Kevin. So nothing else until then? I did call her Sunday but it was because my grandmother was rushed to the hospital and I needed to talk, and she consoled me. But said the next day she still feels confident in decision. I should just stand back, and hope she contacts me? I feel she is worth fighting for. My fear is I was so lax and careless in the relationship me easing off just shows I really don't care.
If you try to be attentive right now, she will just think that you are doing it to get her back and when you get her back, you will go back to your old ways.
Thankyou for the feedback again kevin. That's a good point. I've also just started seeing a therapist. For my own sake, but I also want to get better for her. To get over any issues I had, to realize what I was doing wrong, and to never do them again. And for us. It seems a bit extreme maybe, but I fully feel that she could be the one, and it's totally worth self improvement. She's been quiet on all front lately. With each passing day you think it would get easier, but my heart just grows more fonder of her. I realize now looking back that I wasn't sure if I was in love with her or the idea of her being in love with me. I couldn't tell the two apart. But this break up has really put things into perspective. I just hope it's never too late.
Dear Kevin
What to do if your ex do not reply to you letter or text message?
You wait one week (or two) and then try again. If there is still nothing, you should try moving on.
Hey kevin, it's me again. I replied to your comment but you didn't reply back... anyways something else happened during these days. On wednesday he texted me to have some news about me. I told him how I felt, and he told me that he knows that he made a mistake. He asked me if I wanted to talk in person, so we saw eachother. I asked him what is going on in his head and he said that he doesn't even know. One time he took my hand and called me babe by accident, we were laughing and stuff... he told me that he had sex with his ex, he wanted to be honnest. He told me that he was feeling good with his ex like he thought he would. He was talking to me like he wanted to get back but take some time.... He told me that we would text eachother. So during the night, no text. The other day we didn't text either. I was wondering why he didnt text me, because he told me we would... so I texted him the other day wondering why we're not texting. he didnt respond, but i was that he was on facebook. So during the night I called him, and he said that he didnt take the time to respond. He said that he would text me later. He did, and he told me `` i think you need to forget about me, i just didnt want to hurt you more than you already are...`` So i explained other things and he said Im sorry and I texted him other things about what i'm feeling, I told him that he will do like nothing happened between us , liike we wont be talking to eachother anymore, he responded ``i wont do like nothing happened between us?`` and after I texted him other stuff and he never responded...I just want to know why a month ago everything was perfect and now were not even talking to eachother? I know I should try to get over him, but I wish he would want me back.. Do you think with time he could come back...? :(
he wasn't feeling good like he thought he would with his ex*
Hey Daphne,
If you haven't applied no contact till now, you should do it. Then follow the steps in the plan and send him the letter. If you've followed the plan and he still doesn't want to get back together, then you should try to move on.
I broke up with my ex on February this year believing that it would help him realize my importance, but after a month I felt that something isn't right. I actually investigated on my own and had found out that he is now on a new relationship that shocking part he was cheating on me even we were sill together. We were 4 years and 2 years of that 4 year relationship he's been seeing lots of women and one women he decided to stay is his co-worker. He has been lying with the girl that I was already his ex-girlfriend that time where in fact we are still together.
I did some of the mistakes after the break-up because I was so hurt and didn't realize the effects of it (Consistently texting and calling him, Raging at his house drunk).
One thing I noticed that he changed my pictures with their pictures together on social medias like (viber, facebook). but He also mentioned that when I was not talking to him for a month he keeps on checking my facebook page.
Do you think he is in a rebound-relationship?
Thanks for your attention.
Hey,
I think it's more than a rebound relationship since he was already with her for a while and he cheated on you. But whether or not it's a rebound relationship is not the question you should be asking. You should be asking yourself whether or not you want to be in a relationship where your partner cheated on you for 2 years. I'll highly recommend you start no contact for at least 3 months.
My girlfriend and I got back together about 2 weeks ago. Everything has been great. But last night
My girlfriend and I went out for drinks, just talking....she asked me what my plans were last night but I was at the gym and told her id call her after So I call her and we went off topic and I ended up going out with the guys to my friend Andres friends house I forgot her name And I told her that yeah I had a guys night went to Andres friends house and she got all mad.Because it was some random girls house and I should of told her yesterday..and she said I'm gonna go out to random guys houses and you'll be fine with thatAnd she said this just now Have a good night & a great Easter & do NOT come for dessert tomorrow I gave her that promise ring and she just said when you're ready to be a man you can give it back....we can date and i will go out to random guys house and enjoy time with friends.This girl used to work with my friend andre at the movies and all the girls there really bother Kait(Andres girlfriend) so she was mad that these girls are so in appropriate to andre so risa is like you hung out with all of them. So now she doesn't think I can change. And said our trust is broken and can never be repaired. What do I say? I know I haven't followed the plan, but can you help me out?
Hey Paul,
I think if you give her some time, she will get over it. Give it a couple of days and then contact her again. If she is still not willing to talk it out, start no contact for a couple of weeks.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend had just recently broken up with me after 10 months of our relationship. We were okay for 8 months and certain things happened along the way which slowly diminished the flame in our relationship. One day, I was very emotionally distraught and asked her if she was actually the right girl for me. It was dumb on my part but she restored our relationship at the price of her feelings. Slowly, we grew apart and we had broken up very recently. I realize I had made a mistake and want her back.
I had read your guide thoroughly, and it's awesome. I plan on following through with it. The only problem is that she is my best friend and she still texts me. How do I follow through with this plan?
Hey George,
Just tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you will get back in touch with her after a while.
hi - I am recently divorced. I started dating a man a few years older. Everything went well but we stopped communicating (possibly due to individual stresses). I accidentally contacted him via text after 6 months no contact ( I had deleted him from my phone but it seems his number came up when I was messaging a friend with a similar name). Unexpectedly, he responded to the text. I made a tentative arrangement with him to come over in the future and he said he was looking forward to it. What are your thoughts about this? Im confused?
I think it's a good sign and you should meet him. However, take things slow and make sure don't show any signs of neediness.
Hey kevin..me and my ex were having problems for quite a month and the reason was he thinks I didn't give him space. So yesterday morning he sent me this huge ass msg saying he wants to break up 'cause he thinks I cheated on him which I did not! I don't know any way to prove him. I just want him back! What do I do?? :'(
Apply no contact. I think the reason he gave you was complete BS. Let him get back in touch with you. If he doesn't and you still want him back after at least 2 months of no contact, then get back in touch with him.
Hi Kevin,
I was just got out of a 2 month relationship that was strong and solid for the first month, but unsteady thoroughly the second. My ex told me she love me (when we were in the "peak") and them I got a little clingy and we took a break. After the break, she was happy to be with me and I was watching how much I texted her each day. I minimized as much as I could. Then she kind of shut me out, and I couldn't get much of a conversation out of her. Just the other day she told me she doesn't really like me anymore, so we broke up. She has a lot of guys who already like her, so she doesn't have to worry about finding a guy. I still love her, but want to slowly draw her in. How can I pull her back to me like we once were? (She has my sweatshirt and I know her address + I just got my drivers license). I am a junior and she is a sophomore in hs.
P.s.- she said I was a "safe" guy and thought a safe guy is what she needed. Please help me!
Thanks!
Hey Dave,
You were needy so it pushed her away. Almost all the relationships are strong and solid in the first month. It's called the honeymoon phase. Whether or not you are truly compatible is only realized in the later stages of relationships. My advise is to keep no contact for 3 months before getting back in touch with her. I also think you should date other girls during the no contact period.
Hi Kevin,
I think I will give it a try! Sorry for taking more of your time, but should I talk to her friends so I am "up to date" on her thoughts? One of her friends already told me I should ask for my sweatshirt back, drive to her house and use that excuse to get to talk to her... I am now contemplating just leaving her for the 3 months, since I'm sure I can find someone else for the time before I contact her again. Thanks for all the advice and help! It really has boosted my confidence!
sorry for trying to give my opinion,
dont use that excuse to talk to her,
it looks needy, and she will know it u pick that sweatshirt in order to talk to her.
just leave it.
Here's one more thing you ( anyone reading this) should know. She likes to I to parties, get drunk and get with other guys. She doesn't go the full extent of "hookup" since she is at least smart enough not to, but I'm worried she will make a mistake and or meet that "dream" guy. How can I maneuver this? Will the 3 months make her forget me? The thing about her is once she has her mind made up, it's hard to change it. How can I penetrate this shell that she is creating, and get to her heart again where I can win her over once again.
The only way to penetrate this shell is to approach it from the friends angle. Don't tell her you want to get back together. Just hang out with her and have a good time. Let it be her idea to get back together. It's mentioned in the article.
No you should not stay up to date on her. It defeats the purpose of no contact and if your ex finds out that you've been keeping tabs on her, she is going to put you in the "Stalky creep" category.
Hi Kevin!
Thanks or the tips! I am just dropping the whole thing until August/Septemeber. Should I delete her from all my social networking pages?
It's not necessary. If her social media pages are keeping you obsessed over her, then do it.
I had a 4 years relationship with my girlfriend I 'm 28 years old and she 24.
We were madly in love during a year and super affectionate, friends, pranksters and accomplices during the remaining.
Were seen by all as the wonder couple because our complicity and how we touched and we gave affection to each other, the way we played achieved enjoying with our own relationship.
Two weeks ago I sent a sms after a cold conversation she had with me, we never had a single discussion in 4 years.
I told her for the first time I had felt that he could lose witch other. To which she replied, "that broke my heart to hear that from you, these are phases that all couples go, we 'll get through this, and we will get stronger."
After two days of receiving this sms she broke up with me saying she needed a break, both cried that day and even while we were talking , we were kissing and hugging, to support one another . She told me that she felt suffocated by me, got stressed with college exams and did not like living with his father, was feeling bad.
And told me she no longer felt about me the same as it was in the beginning and the fact that I was unemployed one year and a half , not helped because she saw me as a person aimlessly , and told me that she tried to cheer me up and help me to start working and moving , and only saw me through without motivation. ( I myself was not a good phase) , I was jealous of her university and her friends , I think I have done that because I felt alone and I was depending on her to be happy.
I took a week without sending any message to her phone, do not exchange any contact. This last week we do not speak, I arranged to meet her at her house to clear things up.
She told me that she I was fine alone, and had little time to think, was down to the beach to walk alone and realize that for a long time she did not feel so good, she like the sensation to be free again, seems lighter. Hear what she had to tell me without crying and I had a good posture , I told her that I realized my mistakes and had probably lost the woman of my life for my stupidity. She cried and still had to be me to give her a lap and hugs to console her.
I told her that the break up was good to me also, because I wake up to life and get me moving and treat myself. (Actually was pretending to be strong but was dying inside).
It was strange to her, she was disturbed to see me talking like that, another weird thing is that she heard from me that some of my friends (girls) already knew that we broke up, and seemed to have been jealous somehow.
During our conversation i received 2 text messages on my cell phone and she replied something like this "look your friends trying to call you already". (that somehow got me some hope to have my ex back).
In the end we both decided that because our relationship was so strong and we never had mistreated or betrayed one another could not be like best friends and see each other all the time because that would not work.
When I leave that day after the conversation ends, we hug wich other very tight and she gave me a kiss in the neck.
I thought I was relieved at this end, but in reality spent last eight days after we talked without thinking about her, I think all the time how to get my ex back and this is killing me. I am suffering, all my friends tell me to stop thinking about her, because it was she who ended it, she never called me again, removed the photos witch had with me on facebook and seems to have done everything to forget about me. I think she should be happy and I 've been crying the corners all the time, worst she is posting photos (just 2 new photos to be honest) but in that pictures I see that she is moving on, she is smiling and with good mode. Looking at that just broke my heart.
Just passed 16 days after the break up till now I don’t have any contact.
As I'm not working yet is worse because I have too much free time.
Someone help me please I love this girl more than anything.
(sorry my for English not my native language )
Hey,
Continue no contact for another 14 days and try to find a job as soon as possible. I think you need to get your life on track before getting back in touch with her if you want to increase your chances of reconciliation.
Hey Kevin she just send me a text message saying that she want to wish me a good Easter and my family. something like this.
"Good morning! Just to warn you that now texted to your phone from your father. A kiss for you and the whole family. good Easter"
I want to fight for her its the woman of my life.
I did reply in the same tone. Do you think after i get my life on the right road i have any chance with her? 4 year relationship is hard to forget. I want to fight for her but like you say in your
Yes, you do have a pretty good chance. I wish you the best.
Hi Kevin,
Can you please outline these points for me? My ex called me yesterday and we had a chat, She said the following that didn't really make too much sense?
I asked if she had been thinking about the situation, She said no, She's been too busy to think about it.
She keeps saying that shes going to dinner, movies concerts with friends but never tells me names of our friends etc..Is she just trying to make me think, make me jealous?
Perhaps she has been busy or perhaps she has been keeping herself busy to avoid thinking about you. As for the friends, it could be that she is trying to make you jealous. No one an say for sure. It's best to concentrate on what you should do instead of what your ex has been doing.
Hey, so my girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. She said she was uncertain about the future. At time she said she still loves me, but other times she does not see if having a future. So she said this is something she has to do. She has been stressed about school and what to do with her life when school is over, she does not handle stress too well. She sent a message to me 4 weeks ago when she found out that I wanted to get a hold of her saying that she needed more time and we can talk when school is over. Our relationship was for the most part fine, our only fight was about who goes over to whose house because there is a bit of difference. This is one the persisted throughout the relationship though. Since then I have not contacted her. Apparently she has focused completely on school (whereas she used to procrastinate). She recently sent me a message saying her facebook had been deleted and she did not want me to think that I blocked her. We are still supposed to meet up when school is done next week. I have grown in the past few weeks and am ready to show her that our previous issues will not be present anymore. Any advice?
Don't tell her that you have grown and that you want to show her previous issues will not be present anymore. Don't talk about getting back together. Just take things slowly and let her realize it on her own.
Me & my ex have broke up many times. We first got together when she was going through a divorce. There was a lot of hurt done to me because she kept going back to him to fix it and then back to me over and over. Finally after a few years, she was divorced and mine.
But the breakups didn't stop. We would get in a fight over something stupid and she would always break up with me. Months would go by and then she would eventually come back with I LOVE YOU and determined to make it work.
Unfortunately jealousy came back into our relationship. I slept with a girl from work during one of our many breakups. This really bothered my girlfriend even though she eventually got over it and came back after a few months. This girl from work is much younger than me and would constantly try to stay in contact with me. Unfortunately I didn't do the right thing and I didn't cut off all communication.
On a vacation trip to Las Vegas in Feb, my ex went through my phone and read the conversations. I was flirty ....I did not totally cheat but I was still carrying on a texting relationship with the co worker. My ex lost it completely and dumped me. Our communication has been very minor since. At first I wasn't bothered at all because we always break up and get back together. I thought she would get over it.
I recently found out from a friend that she is dating a recently divorced guy. My heart sank...She tried dating before and it didn't bother me but for some reason this time it hit home. She may finally be over me....our other breakups I could explain but this time she is convinced that I am a liar and a cheater...which I was.....its been over 2 months....is she finally gone for good?
Hey Brad,
I think it's too soon to say if she is gone for good. However, I will highly recommend that instead of pursuing her and getting back into this rollercoaster relationship, you start no contact and try to move on.
Hello. I'm starting my no contact period today and the reason why we broke up was that i found out she was cheating. With the guy for over a year. Then again she's young an I'm 4years older an she said her mom sorta forced her to move on. We been together for almost 4 years and she always texted me saying she loved me. She said she was with the guy to have her mom get off her back about me. Then i found out an a couple of day's ago she was texting my sister an my sister made it sound like I was with her friend but she didn't mean it like that then she told my sister that I'm single. But she didn't tell my sister to tell me... but I'm guessing 5mins after that she texted me an we sent a few texts an she fell asleep. Soo idk how or what to think about this whole situation.
You should apply no contact for at least 3 months Wyatt. I know you might feel like you love her, but it will be very hard to build trust again. Her excuse for cheating on you is total BS in my opinion. And even if it's true, it's still doesn't make anything right. I am guessing you are both young so you should try to move on and find someone faithful instead of trying to get her back.
I am 40, have been seeing a girl (same age) for 4 months. We were very close, shared a lot, no arguments. Then out of the blue she broke it off after becoming distant because she thought I was putting too much pressure. She said she loved me but did not want to hurt me in case the relationship failed. I sent s number of texts -non begging over a 10 day period. Sent her an email saying I was disappointed she would not respond and let me know she was ok. She responded immediately but Have now instigated no contact - is this correct and how long should I leave it for.
Yes, it's correct. You should do no contact for 30 days.
hey Kevin. great page you have there!!
i have followed your tips
have been over with my ex for 2 months soon.
well. the reason for the brake up was that we was looking on a house togheter, and i pulled out becuse i need to think, she have 3 kids so its not easy to move in with soneone have 3 kids, but anyway that destroyed evryting, when i was needed time and space to think, all was destroyed, so she could not trust me,, so she broke up, i used 2 weeks to figure out what i really want, i travel up to her with letter and flowers and told her what i want.
that dont helped so much she was cold against me, it was looklike she was setting up a big wall of defence,, she told me that i have to take the driverlisence (i dont have taken taht yet, im 25) she needed to see that i can do things for my self. and acting like an adult man,(sight) we could not be togheter before i have something to show her that i really doing it.
so she deletet me of facebook, that was ok becuse i was writing to her tooo much and that was stupid of me..
so i followes your step , make my facebook look fresher, so i did that with new profile picture and cover picture, and i added picutre of me with some friends to, The day after she blokcked me out, you know what is going trough her head?
i need help with my last step, i have plans to travel to her when the no contact period is over, it means in june, then it have goes 3 months last time we talked togheter.
ty for help Keven
It's OK she blocked you. It just means looking at your facebook makes her miss you and she is trying to avoid those feelings. Don't worry about that. Continue with the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I had a 2-month relationship with a friend of 3 years. It all happened too fast and too intense and we ended up separating after a fight. It took me 2 weeks to steady my emotions and accept the break-up without resentment. After that we were able to become friends again, exchanging messages and calls daily... hanging out every week almost. We have always enjoyed each other's company as we are into the same stuffs and most of our circles of friends overlap. However, it seems he is starting to fall for me again. When I made peace with myself after the break-up, I have decided to love him unconditionally: to give him freedom to grow and be there for him without worrying about him loving me in return. I am not sure about getting back with him because I don't know how we can avoid re-living the previous relationship. We are not able to discuss it yet. Is this unhealthy? How do I know when is the appropriate time to talk about it or get back with him?
I think it's unhealthy if it's stopping you from pursuing another relationship. I think you should discuss this with him. I guess the right time to talk about it will be whenever you feel you're ready. If you're unsure, you should take a break and ask him for some space and time.
Thank you Kevin. I think I really should take a break.
Hi Kevin
Have to say all this has helped me out so much!!. Thank you. Just have one question. So after 2 weeks no contact me an my ex reconnected. She was complimenting me, and texting me and so on. We met up and had the best time over dinner. We kissed at hers then I left. Texting me she told me she had a great time and enjoyed the kiss that it felt new..I assume that's good. So we seen each other again next day and kissed again. I havnt been doing my old needy ways of asking her back I'm just letting it flow. This was all last week. I'm seeing her tomorrow again. Just wondering what's the best course of action for me. Do I still just let it flow and continue seeing her? And what do you make of the situation. Again thanks for this
Regards
Jay
Let it flow. At least for 2-3 weeks. If she doesn't bring up the topic of getting back together till then, you should bring it up.
Dear Kev,
I m on NC for 25 days now. I told you I received a text saying he wants to call me about the money he owes and I ignored it . He has unblocked me on whatsapp recently and he has set a very cute pic there ( I was actually drooling over :p ) . Yesterday, I changed a new pic of me ( many friends told me that I look nice in it :D ) . I have received chat msges last night and he has told " Gina, You look great ! :) I want to call you about that money , juz one single time , I wont bother you again ! ". I ignored him once more, what should I say to him now? I'm so confused now. About three weeks ago he threatened to block me from everywhere ! OMG kev , your advice does wonders! Please tell me how to take this from here on wards! Shall I carry on to ignore him or shall I simply give him a chance to talk ! When we were going out,he used to make me suffer by not answering my calls. I really don't want to give anything easily to him. I miss him like crazy but I want to show him that I can stand on my feet too. :) You have been great through out and I want you to guide me through this now. Thanks a bunch Kev! You are the best!
hugs,
Gina
Continue no contact for another 5 days and then reply. If he is cold and only talks about the money, then start no contact again for two more weeks. If he is warm, then continue contact with him and let him chase you for a while.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of over 5 years just broke up with me through voice mail about a week ago. He said he wants to be friends and we've been hanging out. When we hang he still treats me the same way he did when we were together, but when I ask him if we're back together he says he just doesn't want the commitment right now. I'm really confused because I still want to be with him and he keeps sending me mixed signals, so I'm a mess. What should I do to ensure that we're going to get back together? Thanks in advance!
Hi Kevin ,
here is my condition, my ex and i are 18 , we dated for 1 month plus (we had separate in between during that period) cause he though it was intentional love but after that he is clear that he love me. Unfortunately, he told me he cant love anyone anymore, added he doesnt deserve to love anyone and doesnt suit to be in relationship, he asked for break up like a week ago , he broke up with his in-game gf too, of course i m the real life gf. Later on ,after that i just kept asking why he cant commit in relationship and asked why we cant get back together, he said it is because during that time his friends,a couple was also getting into an argument, and he is so frustrated toward love plus i m the one who always pressure him to talk in fb .I just dont understand why he could ever let go of it , and when i asked him did he love me, he answered he did loved me , but he cant love anyone anymore, he doesnt deserve that. I just cant accept it , i still love and miss him so much, can you tell me what to do ?
You should follow the advise in the article above.
hi kevin
i and my ex is 21 year old.i had 3 year of relationship.it was going nice but from last 6-7 month we had a little misunderstanding.due to my anger i scolded her many times.but last time i made a hudge mistake,due to a lot of anger i scolded her a lot with many harse words about her parents,i also use some slang out of anger.It really hurts her.Now 4 days ago she said she can't continue relation with me,because she was emotionally hurt and was broken from heart.She also said she lost all fellings love and hopes for my love and our relation.I am trying to convince her for past 4-5 days.Every day she is replying the same thing and requesting me to go away from her life and not to contact even once.Even though i am calling and messaging to convince her, but she is niether taking my calls nor reply my messages.She is very sentimental and loves her parents a lot.But due to my mistake she left every hope of our relationship. I don't understand what to do?please say what should i do now...
Hey Kevin,
I was together with my ex for almost 4 years. The downhill started when my ex went to this exhange student program and went to another country. After over 1,5 months we had an argue and we didn't talk for days after that. It was the longest time we haven't been talking at all... After that when I contacted her and we sorted things out, she said that she doesn't love me in the same way anymore. She has had these feelings longer but she didn't tell me about them at all which is very wrong towards me. She will be there for 5 months and now 4 months has already passed but we broke up yesterday when she came for a visit in my country. I tried to make the day very special when we met. We had fun moments and everything but at the end of the day I asked how is she feeling about me and she answered that she thinks that I am more likely just a friend for her.......... I was just totally devastated. We broke up, but later she said that we can never know what the future will be and later added that she has feelings for me. We haven't been talking for few days after I went to her house and thanked her parents and for everything they did for me. Both of her parents cried and said I was like a family member to them.
I have been a pretty negative and insecure person because of my difficulties in life in the past 2 years. She fell in love with my because I was so positive and happy all the time. I have tried to change myself to better direction and I am slowly succeeding in that. But I guess it came too late...
This whole thing depresses me a lot. My studies have gone not so well either. We are both over 20 and study accounting and finance. I love my ex girlfriend. We shared so great memories together. Now I know what were the mistakes I made, every one of them. It just makes me miserable when I think that I could have changed everything if I would have been thinking our relationship more. Of course I am not the only one to blame. My ex girlfriend should have talked more about her feelings and not piling them inside of her.
I really want my ex girlfriend back. What are the chances? Is it even possible? I have been reading a lot of stuff and every site says different things, just makes me confused... I am sure she still loves me. I had plans for the future with her and I saw her more than just a girlfriend.
I just can't sleep because of this. I really miss her and want her back in my life. I want to fix things with her.
Yes, it's possible and you have a pretty good chance. I'll recommend you follow the plan.
Hi Kevin, today I went to see the status of my ex-girlfriend of whatsapp and she's provoking me, with a letter of a music about betrayal, but I never betray her, and she knows that and I think she never betrayed me.
I am really confused, that's means she still likes me or she betrayed me? We don't talk five days ago and she broke with me 10 days ago. I don't want to talk her, why I am in no contact period, but I'm very curious and confused.
Thanks.
Don't obsess over it. The only reason she put it is to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to her.
I think i have to mention that my bf's parents are separated.He lives with his mother who is alone (Dating guys all the time but not in a relationship) but his dad is in a relationship with another woman.He had noone to talk about his problems,only me. I was always there to listen to his problems, he had a lot of difficult moments, hard paths , a lot of difficulties but i was always there,by his side and we got through everything togetheter. Now he is completely alone.. he doesn't open to his friends, he was only saying his problems to me.
I forgot to mention that his brother is 20.His brother aksed his gf of 4 years to break up because he wanted to have sex with other girls too. I don't know if he put some ideas in my bf's head or anything. BUT they are very different, my bf is much more serious person. I don't know if he told him things like, leave her she is too young, what are you doing with a young girl like this. I don't know, these are just thoughts. But i saw his fb likes in his other brother's fb,who is 23 with his gf. Does he remember me when he watches their happy couple photos? Does he miss me? Will he regret?
Hello Kevin,
First i want to tell you a big thank you for this amazing thing you are doing,freely!I need your help,since i am lost and i don't know what to do.My story is a bit long so i apologize for that.
I have been in a relationship for 1 year and 4 months.Now i am 16 years old and my,well,ex boyfriend is in his early 19.We got together when i was 15 and he was 18.He was a senior in my high school and i was a freshman.Anyways,we took our time to meet and our story was very romantic.During the first year,our relationship was amazing.Then he went in the military and he started changing,a lot.So,our problems began and we were arguing for small things.
He was very jealous of my friends,because he was ditching his,and he expected me to do the same.Most of my friends are guys,and he was very jealous over very small things,but i eliminated all the facebook comments and likes just for him and us to be ok and not fight so much.He was coming to my home but i didn't go to his very often because my father wasn't ok with it (i felt a bit uncomfortable in his house).We didn't have sex,i wasn't ready and he said that he wanted to wait because this is something that he wants to do only with me.He never had sex either.So,he told me sometimes while arguing that he wanted to break up,but he said that because he was angry,not because he meant it.So the next day or after some hours he would apologize,i would play mad for some time and then forgive him and get back together because the things we argued were silly.Anyway,his birthday were in March 31.
He told me the day before that he wanted us to have dinner in a Chinese restaurant and i said okay.That day,i called him and asked if we would meet,and he said yes but didn't know where.I told him to decide and tell me but he told me to pick a place.I told him it's your birthday,you are the one who has to pick up the place,not me.Then he started yelling at me for no reason,so i got mad and closed the phone.Then i called him again, calmly and he told me that his mother is going to cook dinner for his birthday and he asked me to go to his house.I told him that it is too serious for me to come to his house(which was a very stupid thing to say and i regretted it) and i told him to meet after his dinner.He said yes,and i told him lets meet in a cafeteria close to my house,because my dad was tired to drive me further (he doesn't let my boyfriend to come and pick me) and my boyfriend got mad because he said that we will not be doing all the time what i want!(it isn't true,i really don't do what i want all the time).I told him happy birthday and closed the phone.He didn't call me the entire day and we didn't meet at his birthday,which made me very sad..After three days,he would go on a trip for a week to his brother who is studying abroad.
He didn't call me or look for me during those 3 days,i didn't call him either because i was thinking that it was all his fault.(I have to mention that my bf has an economic problem,i never asked for expensive gifts,only for love and attention.Most of the times when we were going out,i was paying but i didn't have a problem with that.He was feeling a bit uncomfortable but i was always telling him that it was okay and that i understand)So,he went on his trip,on Saturday the 5 of April,i saw that he removed from fb that we are in a relationship,so i chatted him and asked him if we are broken up.He said yes,he told me that he didn't want to be a second choice for me and that i always put my friends first and that we didn't meet on his birthday,basically,he told me the reasons for our breaking up.I was trying to justify myself but in the end,we said goodbye through fb.
After two days,he removed our photos from fb and he put that he is in an open relationship.I couldn't believe my eyes,maybe he did that because he was mad and wanted to get me jealous i don't know.All those days i was crying and feeling depressed,couldn't eat,couldn't sleep,i thought it was all a bad dream.Then i saw a photo from a club,it was his brother with a girl from his uni,his cousin with another girl,and my bf was in the middle of his brother and cousin.I decided to click on the profile of that girl and i saw that she had a profile picture with my boyfriend!!I got so mad and jealous because his open relationship status,and then her profile,seemed like they were together! (I have to mention that my boyfriend have never had a relationship before me,he said he couldn't find a girl that suits him,until he found me.He doesn't do relationships easily).
The next day,she deleted the picture,which was very weird.I decided to send him a message,and tell him that i was ok with our break up,and i think that he was right to break up with me,and that i did a lot of mistakes and that i could have done a lot more for us,more sacrifices and that i have no hard feelings,and i hope he feels the same.I never got an answer..All these happened when he was on his trip.There was no contact after that Saturday we spoke.The day that he came back I had a chat with the boyfriend of my best friend,who happens to be a friend of my bf.He promised to go out with him and ask my bf what's going on.He asked him what happened with me and he told him the reasons of our break up.He asked him about that girl who had a profile with him (he told him that he knows all that from my best friend who is his gf).My bf told him that she was a friend of his brother and he asked him to take a photo in the club.He said ok because it was rude to say no.The next day his brother told him that,that girl put a profile pic with him (they weren't even friends on fb).
He got mad and asked her why,and she said that she has a profile with all her friends,he told her i am not your friend so remove it,and she did.He said nothing happened between them(i think that she liked him).He asked him why he didn't answer my text and he said that he had a number for that country only and he couldn't send a message to our country that's why he didn't answer (he could have answered me from fb if he wanted to but he didn't).He told him that he doesn't know what to do,that he is thinking a lot about me but he doesn't want us to meet because he knows if we meet,we will be together again.
So i decided to call him (first time we spoke after that saturday)and ask him to meet.He refused to meet with me.He told me that he had taken his decision,that he likes being alone and not being worried or getting mad about anyone. (Earlier that day he told his friend that he still loves me and misses me).I told him that i want to change a lot of things for us to be happy and i regret not meeting him on his birthday.He told me that he liked when during his trip didn't think about anyone or anything and he wants to be alone,he doesn't want a relationship ever again with anyone. I told him don't you love me? and he said it doesn't matter.I accepted it.He told me that we will talk again,and i told him you know we won't,and he said you never know.He also told me to take care and we hanged the phone.(I forgot to mention that i took some photos from school with my guy friends,some pretty close ones so i would get him to be jealous,and it worked.My friend told me that while they were in a cafe,he was on my fb profile checking my photos and getting jealous and mad.How could he tell me that he likes being calm,but 2 hours before,causing stress to his self by seeing my photos?!?).
Then later that evening,i saw that he deleted me from fb. I was mad and i called him to ask why (huge mistake),he said that he doesn't want to see my pictures,i told him you see the pictures of someone that you love and care about,you made it pretty obvious that you don't love me,or care about me,so why do you do it.I told him,i saw your picture with that slut but i didn't delete you.He asked me why and i told him because i can't delete people from my life so easily.He said i'm tired of arguing,and he hanged up the phone.Since that Sunday,we never talked.The next day,that girl uploaded the profile with him again.I had a friend of mine to add that girl that had a profile on fb with him.I saw in her fb that she put on fb that she was in a relationship on april 8,and on april 8 she had uploaded the profile picture with my boyfriend!That day my bf put the open relationship status on fb too and removed our photos.All these things match with each other really good.But,all these happened and they weren't even friends on fb.
I checked the comments on her profile,everybody asked her if he was her boyfriend but she didn't answer,she only liked the comments.My boyfriend didn't like her profile,or her relationship status or anything.As soon as he went back from his trip,he removed from his profile that he is in an open relationship and then they added each other on fb.I don't know if anything happened between them or if it's all just a coincidence. I love him badly, i want him back in my life. Is there a chance for us to be together again? What can i do? Does he miss me as much as I do? We have soo many great memories together,did he forget all of them? Will he regret his decision? He is going out clubbing now and having fun,looks like he is happy. I am going to follow your 5 step plan.I'm in day 5 of no contact.Is it going to work for me? Please give me any advice,i would mean the world to me if i had your help to get him back.I dream about him every night, i can't sleep,or eat.I feel sick without him and i'm missing him like crazy.I am going out with friends but i always miss him. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!
Hey RD,
You do have a chance of getting him back and I'm pretty sure he is as hurt from the breakup as you are. Of course, he is not showing it and neither should you. I'll recommend you keep no contact for at least 2 months (preferably 3 months), before getting back in touch with him. The reason I say this is because you are young and I think you should learn to be happy without him before getting back in touch with him. You should also explore your options during this no contact period and realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy.
Wouldn't it be too late to contact him after 2-3 months?
Hey RD,
I said 2-3 months because to me it seems that you need that much time to stop obsessing over him and become a happy person. I assume it's your first serious breakup and you are having a hard time dealing with it. If you still want to get back together after that, I don't think it'll be too late. He is young as well and he doesn't really know how to get over a breakup either.
Do you think he is going to regret his decision and contact me? What if he continues to like being alone? He is liking every single thing that girl uploads,should I be worried? She is in another country though and she doesn't like his stuff on fb.He deleted me but I can see in her pictures his likes.Does he do it to piss me off because I told him I saw his photo with her or does he like her?
Don't obsess over his actions on facebook. It might be just to make you jealous. It's very hard to say if he'll regret his decision and contact you or not. But there is a chance he will. And even if he doesn't, you should get back in touch after no contact.
By the way today is Easter and everybody sends wishes like christ is risen etc, but he didn't send me a wish..should i send him? or better no?
Sorry I missed this one. I was busy for a couple of days.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend just broke up with my 2 days ago. I am devastated. We were together for a year and 2 months. I did all the don't i wasn't suppose to do. She absolutely irritated with me. I cheated on her twice and there fore she has had it. We tried to repair everything even after I came out and told her about my infidelity. I don't get it, I was honest, I told her I cheated on her instead of her finding out. I am trying to be a better person. I am going to do the 30 days no contact. She says she doesn't like girls anymore and that she is over our relationship and is over me too. She says that she does still care about me though. She called me yesterday and said the care she has for me is like for instance if I got hit by a car she'd care. Do you think she really means this or is in denial because of everything and the hurt I have caused her? She hurt my as well but never cheated, well that I know of. What should I do? Do you think I stand a chance again?
She is probably putting up a wall and trying to avoid facing her true feelings. She is definitely hurt from the breakup. You should follow the plan and you do have a chance.
Okay I was thinking instead of a month to contact her in three weeks.. What do you think ? And thank you for taking the time to reply to these. I'm so nervous. I'm going to try not to get my hopes up.. I just feel like she doesn't care.. We were together for a year and a couple months .. Idk why she isn't acting as hurt as I am..
Use the checklist at the beginning of step 4. If by three weeks you satisfy all the points (other than the 30 days one), then go ahead.
Hello Kevin it's only been week and I broke the rules I sent my ex girlfriend a text message and she just wants to be friends and says she doesn't like me anymore ? But we spent a year and 2 months together, how can she be over it ? It's hard to believe but she finally unblocked me off her phone as well and I'm not texting her like crazy since we spoke last night. I want to ask her to hangout next Wednesday. I am scared she might say no. What should I do ? I don't plan on texting her til this weekend though. I don't want to be a pest and really make her run away from me. I'm glad her and I are on talking terms. What should I do ? I sent her this text last night. Was it too much or was it fine ? Please let me know your feedback thank you Kevin . Here is the text I sent her as well ! Dear Kimberley ,
Maybe you won't care about any of the things that I'm about to say and maybe they'll go into one ear out the other, but when I leave today I want to know I did every little thing possible. Months from now I don't want to have the though of "what if.." Remember when I asked you if you were looking for a relationship that day and you replied no. Yea it's funny because that day when you told me that I was so convinced to forget about you. The really funny thing is how you texted me a couple days later .. My point is who knew we would have even had a relationship together ? I sure as hell didn't. I never thought I'd ever spend a year and a couple months with such a beautiful, caring, and loving person like yourself. I'm not here to tell you about all the memories we had because you and I know they were amazing. We had our ups and downs but we kept it together while we did. I've come to terms with this break up and I've also accepted that the choices I made in our relationship were not okay. I broke every promise I made to you and to this relationship. I don't even deserve to be talking you you right now but I want you to know that through this all there has not been a day I have ever stopped loving you and whether we repair this or not you will always have a piece of my heart.
Your text was needy. I'll not recommend asking her out next Wednesday. I'll recommend you start no contact again and follow the plan this time.
I have been married over 18 years. My husband decided to pack his things while I was at work one day and leave. A week later, he started talking to another woman and 3 weeks after that or so he moved in with her. He says he loves me and he always will. WTF is going on?!?
Could it be midlife crisis? Your guess is as good as mine Jessi.
Hey Kevin
I really liked and like u sad after reading you're article it makes sense. But i made all those 5 mistakes more than once. I want you're opinion ony situation. So we weren't togheter for that long 6 months it was and plus we are very different, im abit serious have a serious jon and she's outgoing and that was the reason for the breakup. But for the time we were together she sad she loves me and kids and living togheter so no doubt she did love me iguess? And one of the reason for to be with her was that she would change me to be a bit more outgoing. She asked me too go out with her but i blew it always.
After the breakup i allready made all those mistakes and allready made the no rule (before reading your article) and i allready had my rebound and she knows about it and it doesnt bother her at all. Also we both hang around in the same bar but with different bunch of people. Should i avoid going there?
Hope to get your answer because reading your article i allready fell a bit better.
If you enjoy going to that bar, don't avoid going there.
Okey thanks Kevin
Do u maybe have any idea on what i should do? I will follow all ur steps and everything. Should i unfriend her on Facebook. She is always posting how happy. Well that hurts cause she never posted something like this when we were together? Why wasnt she bothered with me having a girl?
Thank Kevin in advance
Hey Kevin
I have been in a Deep relationship for 3 years with a guy CRAZY about me his family loves me all his friends like me its a distance relationship but few months i will be going back permanantly! I have alot of arguments with him because he is always working and has no time for me so I keep breakin up the last break up lasted 4 days and I missed him so I contacted him he said those days made me realise If I still loved you I couldnt believe him cuz iknow him he would Die for me His love for me wasnt normal! He seen me beeing hysterical crying he started crying and said plz stop I love u with All my heart! After 2 weeks eventhough our comvos are exaclty like before so perfect cuz I love him dearly I felt when he said I loveyou somethingwasnt right! So iasked him and he said the truth is there is no feelings I have been trying these 2 weeks so muvh to feel it again but there isnt anything:( I was very cool i said thats okay :) Its nt in your hands He kept sayin sorry plz contact me if you need anything!! I said its okay I wont need anything am a strong woman :) he said you are the strongest woman i met and no girl is like you! But plzzz contact me if u want anything you know where to find me! I didnt reply and it has been 3 weeks today No contact! He has been turning his watsapp last seen on n off very strangley but He left me beyond confused plz Give me suggestions!
Hey,
Send him the letter after at least 3 more weeks of no contact. If his love for you was as much crazy as you said it was, it might not have been love at all. It might just have been an obsession and he might have gotten over that obsession.
Hi Kevin,
Just came across your site and seen everything I have done wrong in the past 4 years. Here is my situation.
My ex-wife broke it off 4 years ago due to our relationship turning abusive once. We have a 5 year old child and I have been trying to get back together since begging and keep contacting her and yeah you could say drunken texts, bombarding, stalking etc etc... Never once gone more than a week of no contact as I did not know your rule.
She did start seeing someone just before we divorced, classic rebound and even told me she wasn't that interested, but I did turn jealous and told her how useless that guy was and to break it off. They have been together since.
As we have a daughter we have to be in touch to arrange times for me to see her etc... What do you recommend for my case, 30 or more days of no contact? Any help would be appreciated.
Wish I found your site 4 years ago.
Thanks
Definitely apply no contact. Also, if she has been seeing that guy for a long time now, then it might not be a rebound. You have been pursuing her for a long time now. I'll recommend you just try getting back with her once and if it doesn't work, you should concentrate on moving on.
Thanks Kevin. How long should I apply no contact?
Considering you've been in contact for 4 years, I'll recommend at least two months.
Kevin,
Do you have any happy or success stories of people getting back together after following this 5-step plan? I'm a firm believer of time and patience always when it comes to these types of situations.
Yes, it's here.
Hello Kevin,
I'm 26, she's 21. We fell in love when we were younger and moved in together fairly quickly. For almost 4 years we lived together. Unfortunately, due to bad habits like procrastination, weed and isolation our relationship flat lined. Unemployed, yet to finish my degree, and with a terrible terrible "don't care" attitude. We were always very trustful of one another, and very supportive. Eventually she got some friends, and my dumb and intoxicated ass didn't make an ounce of effort to be part of it. Even though she wanted. Her family is complicated, and the way I handled that was to not be part of it. Honestly I became part of nothing. Our sexual life faded. 2 weeks ago I noticed something was off and I wanted her to talk to me about it. Well she put it in pretty simple terms, told me we weren't good for each other and that she didn't love me anymore. Nobody saw it coming, except her.
My initial reaction was of desperation. I embarrassed myself. She spent with me the night, and left me in the morning. I called her for one more embarrassing moment. Then I stopped, I re-collected myself. My sister who is a long time friend of her, talked with her. And well I have to say I understand why she would leave me. I wasn't good for myself either. I didn't call her anymore, and put it upon myself to bring change. In the last two weeks I've been applying everyday for jobs. I've cut my hair and shaved my hobo beard. Put on some attractive clothes instead of looking like a slacker. I wake up early, clean, cook and I no longer spend my time stoned like we used to. I've gone out with friends, and I'm going back to college to finish my degree. We adopted a cat and a dog together when we were together. She's an animal's person. I love animals too, with special feeling towards our own. She contacted me to say that she still wanted to play her part in the responsability towards the cat, that lives with me. I told her that I loved our dog and still wanted to be with her (the dog). She was more than open to the situation. She brought her to me, had coffee and talked very very casual stuff. I didn't want her to think I was only changing because of her, so I didn't sell myself. Yesterday I brought her back to her, she was having coffee with girl friends. She didn't want me to meet her at the coffee shop though, and I guess that made me feel a bit insecure about who else was there. I kept my cool though. My gf and her friends always thought me attractive, and so I presented myself cleaned up and confident. She didn't seem to want to avoid eye contact with me, and I must say I felt a warmth from her even though I didn't act on it. Without me asking she told me that I could come get our dog to be with me after tomorrow. She told me that tuesday she would walk the dogs of the shelter, and so to bring her back to her by then. I have a much clearer mind about myself, about our relationship. I do love her with all my heart, and the last thing I want is to lose her forever. I'm keeping my distance, and I don't call her or talk to her about my life right now. I want to be someone who is good for her and for myself, and I want us to get back together without the mistakes of the past. This is where I ask you for help Kevin. I understand I'm not the only one, and don't know when you will be able to see this. But I ask your help, to shine a bit of your light on my situation. Should I propose to go with her and her friends on the dog walk tuesday? To show her that I'm willing to be part of her world? I'm divided and unsure about what's the best thing to do. I don't want my desire to be with her to ruin my chances. I don't want my love for her to prevent me from making the smart choice.
Please help me. Thank you Kevin.
Hey Carlos,
I think it's a little too soon to try to get close to her. You should stay limited contact (like you are right now) for at least three more weeks. After that, start texting her more, and then eventually ask her out. If you think you need a little bit of no contact, then implement no contact instead of limited contact for the next three weeks. I think you are handling the breakup very well and you have a good chance of getting back with her. All the best.
Sorry Kevin,
Forgot to say thanks in advance.
Hi Kevin,
Which one of theses do you think I should use for my opening text. Both are real.
‘Hey, noticed your car hasn’t been outside work all week so you must be on holiday with Luca. Hope you’re enjoying it. You do anything exciting?’ or
‘Hey, When I went for a walk this week a lorry passed and went through a puddle. I got absolutely drenched. Reminded me of the last time I got really soaked when we were on the Valhalla ride at Blackpool. We all had a great time that day.’
They are both pretty good. I am leaning more towards the second one. The first one is kind of insinuating that you are looking for her car every day at work.
Yeah good point. Even though our offices are only 50 yards apart and I do!
Thanks again Kevin.
A girl has given me break-up 2 weeks ago after about 3 months of being together. On the day I proposed her, she told me her story: "I was in love with you while we were in high school, about 6-7 years back. Knowing that you were in love with a different girl, I used to get so much hurt. However, that feeling was completely gone about five years back. I fell in love with a guy after that, but we broke up, about 3 years back. Now I am sorry to say I don't have feelings of love anymore. I could not love you back. I know you are a great guy but perhaps I am not lucky enough to live with you. That's why all these things are happening to me." Our conversation had ended in a positive note, wishing each other best wishes for life, because both of us know that we are good people. We have been friends for almost 8-9 years.
I think she is still hiding many things. I feel that she does not love me because of her previous experience with me: she had felt so much when she knew that I used to love (it was just a crush I would say, not love) a "different girl". But the truth is I had never known her love towards me. Moreover, I stopped thinking about this "different girl" about 5 years back. And somewhere in my heart, I started loving the girl I love currently. But I never gathered courage to speak about this. I never fell in love with any other girl after wards, but kept on loving her secretly hoping that one day I would be able to tell her my story.
Two days back, I again contacted her on Facebook, because we live in different countries. She looked really sad at that fact that she has hurt me. She told me she is not in love with anyone when I asked her current status. Then I told her that I will ask her feelings towards me time and again, and only when enough becomes enough, and when my heart breaks completely I will try to stop thinking about her. I also told her: "I want to learn so much by being hurt or I want to live with you forever. Please give me one of these two things." She told "I can't hurt you that much, nor can I say I can live with you forever. Please give me some more time." I was happy at the last statement she made. She also suggested to switch the topic. This tells that she feels hurt when she thinks about my love story.
Good thing so far is both of us respect each other so much. Neither of us have spoken bad words against each other. She responds to every message I write. But she is almost never the one to write me first. What is the best thing to do at the moment?
It's a perfect moment to start no contact and follow the plan.
Kevin,
Thanks for your response. I have a specific question: What does she mean to imply by telling me that she does not want to hurt me more? Could she have a boy friend and thinking as an option?
It could mean a lot of thing. Perhaps when you talk to her, she can sense you are hurt and needy and it makes her feel guilty. It could also mean what you said. But there is no point obsessing over it. Follow the plan.
Kevin,
And how long do you think would be the right period of no contact? I am thinking of 1.5 months.
Sounds good.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me February 1. After two weeks of no contact, I tried to plead rekindling with my ex. He said, "I need space to process. You're not giving me room to breath here and forcing things won't make it any better." After that I did no contact for 45 days. Then, I decided to write an apology letter. I told him I accepted the break-up and acknowledged how relational anxiety hurt the relationship.
He replied a day later and wrote this:
"Liz,
Thank you very much for the letter. It was nice to read. Not just for the content, which I appreciate you taking the time to share, but the manner in which you write. Your writing personifies some of the things you talk about in your letter, which is refreshing to see/read. I also appreciate the links to help explain what you were sharing, as well as the nice videos.
I appreciate your recognition of the difficult things. I, unfortunately, am not in a place to concretely uphold or dismiss the things you've shared. Not that I don't believe you; I am quite glad to hear you've seen things you didn't like and have been working and are resolved to continue working to rectify them. But, to only look at it from the perspective of your possible shortcomings would be irresponsible in my eyes. I realize I'm not whole enough to truly know what's up and what's down.
I'm happy, too, to hear you look back with compassion on the things you struggled with. You had, and have had, quite a lot of things pushing and pulling on you. Our relationship got some of its own challenges in that regard. But to say there weren't happy, positive, blessed times would be a lie. And to say that we didn't both grow, even in the mire of it all, would be a lie as well. I watched you confront a lot of things. Regardless of if you won or lost in those situations is irrelevant in my eyes; facing them is the only thing that moves one forward.
I apologize as well. I realize my mind isn't quite on track, which leads to ups and downs that can be hard to navigate. I would engage and withdraw, amplify and then drown myself out. I still do, but it's easier to do it alone.
Orthogonally from the content at hand, I'd like to express my sincere condolences for the loss of your cousin. I hope you and your family are coping as well as drawing close together to support and encourage one another.
Thank you again,
Tony"
I'm not sure what to do next? He seems like he's still at an impasse (processing and trying to figure his shit out) but also not showing a lot of feeling for me or toward rekindling. He seems to care for me, but he doesn't suggest anything.
He has some of my things still at his house and didn't suggest I pick them up, either. If he felt like this was totally dead, wouldn't he ask me to get my stuff?
He's also bisexual and a cross dresser, so he's not your average guy. He's mostly into women, but I think has some gender queer stuff going on, which is hard for him to navigate. I really like this about him, because I have similar gender fluidity and bisexual.
What do you recommend?
Reply? Text? No contact again? Move on?
-Liz
I recommend no contact again for a week (or two) then text him. This time, keep things light and fun.
I know you recommended texting him, but I still haven't. It seems like he wants space, so shouldn't I honor that? I am not sure what to do. It seems like texting would be clingy and also dishonor his need to figure out "what's up and what's down." I was thinking of waiting a couple more weeks... What do you think? Any harm in that?
No harm at all.
So, I noticed on his Facebook that he took down one pic from his timeline that was of us together at a party. Very cute pic and was the first pic that really showed us as a couple. I have a feeling he did it so it didn't show up in his top 9 photos sidebar... I am not sure why, though? And, why now? (after that email he sent). I feel sad about it. It seems like a sign that maybe he is really trying to move on and not think about me? But why just the one photo? I wonder if I should just lose hope? I'm not sure what to think or do? Any advice?
Stop obsessing over things he does on facebook. It will not help you get him back.
Hi Kevin,
It's been about 3.5 months since Tony and I broke up and about one month since I sent you that email wondering if I should wait to reply to his reply to my initial apology email. I have been very hesitant to send a lighthearted email to Tony (as you suggested), because I'm afraid of being rejected and being perceived as the pathetic one initiating contact (he hasn't reached out at all except in response to me that time and a few other times before that). I've gotten advice from friends who say-"Give him space and leave him alone. Work on yourself. He's not well enough for you." I agree with them a bit and do feel closer to a place where I don't feel that desperate for him (sort of like "what will be will be"). In a way, I also began to realize I am a stronger, healthier, more attractive and more intelligent person than he is. I don't mean this to be unkind--he just seems immature (even though he also has wonderful qualities too). I just have worked so hard on my insecurity and his reply message gave me the impression that he's still the same. Still, I deeply care about him and do still want to be near/close to him. My struggle is that I am not sure what to do. I realize that if I was the person who was the "primary" damager (through my insecurity/jealousy/anger) of the relationship, than the onus is really on me to salvage things. However, I am not sure how to initiate contact and not sure if I should try. If he wants me, wouldn't he initiate? I also don't want to be perceived as pathetic. But, I also worry that after 3.5 months...he's probably over me and doesn't want to hear from me? What kind of text would you send? Would you advise me to just get over it and move on?
Hey Liz,
There's no responsibility on you to fix the relationship. If you want him back, you should reach out to him. If you think you are better off without him, you should cut contact and move on. The only responsibility you have is to do whatever makes you happy. If you want to text him, why don't you use the "something reminded me of you" text from the article?
So, I've decided to text Tony on his birthday, 5/28. We really haven't connected since he replied to my last email on 4/15. It's been since 2/1 since we ended our relationship. I plan on texting this:
(1)
"I remember fondly an email you wrote to me this time last year about a spiritual experience you said you had--it was something about the happiness you felt playing in the ocean under the stars (while simultaneously feeling like the people you cared about from home were there with you). The other day, I had my own happy moment at the Multnomah County Fair with Mary. We rode in a crazy-like Tilt-a-whirl. She was so cute and scared! Also, made me think of that time you and I were in Seaside on the rides. The memory made me smile and think about how playful and fun life can be...whether on a tilt a whirl...or under the stars. Happy birthday, Tony. :)"
Is that okay?
If not, I could just say:
(2)
"I was just thinking about this time last year. You sent me this nice email about a meaningful experience you had with the ocean. I recently had a meaningful/sweet experience with Mary at Oaks Park. We went on some rides, including the tilt a whirl. She was so cute and scared! Made me think of when you and I were at Seaside. Hope you're having a day with good memories. Happy Birthday, Tony."
What do you think? I like the first one, but I would really appreciate your perspective. Do either work? Or none? Which do you think?
It is possible he won't reply, but I'll be okay with that. I know now, that this is important for me to at least try.
Hey Liz,
I guess I am late for this. Hope it went well.
I forgot to tell you that we are both 30 years old.
Thanks, Kevin. I decided to do the second one--felt a less intense. He replied yesterday evening, which surprised me. He said thank you, told me he was at the same conference as last year, and briefly mentioned a criminal case he was involved in that was settling out of court (good news)--saying it was a "very interesting birthday present!"
I'm not sure when to reply again or how to do this. He is clearly opening the door for communication, especially telling me about the criminal case (which not a lot of his friends know about).
My plan is to reply and maybe ask a question (but in a subtle way so he doesn't feel rushed). Does that sound good? I'm hoping we can start texting back and forth like once every couple days (but trying not to keep my hopes up...).
I realize that the goal is to introduce enough conversation that he *wants* to connect with me, right? Gosh the finesse of this is hard! What do you think?
It sounds good. I think you are on the right track.
Hi Kevin,
Tony replied (see above), so after a day I texted a reply back and said I was so glad that the case is settling and that he was with friends. I ended my reply with, "So this means the offense was dropped or at least lowered, yes? " I sent that text on 5/28, but he never responded. It's been about 6 days since then. I am not sure why he didn't reply?
I have been thinking about sending another text, but I feel so pathetic... I know that I have to be comfortable with uncertainty, but I also keep getting advice from family and friends that says, "If a man wants you, he'll pursue you. Period." Others say, "You're making yourself too available. Men don't like that." Etc. I struggle with being perceived as needy or as "less desirous" to him simply because I reach out.
What would be your advice?
My goal is that eventually, I'd like to get him to *want* to see me and then create a new goal after that. But, he never has initiated contacting me (he only replies).
I have some things of mine at his house and it had been a long time since he suggested I come get them, which also confuses me. I can't tell if he needs space to figure shit out (hence wanting to wait on the exchange) or if he just doesn't care.
Should I text again or not and if so, should I initiate getting my things? Or, what do you think would be a good idea?
Also, do you think I still have a chance even though in 4 months he has only replied and never initiated contact? Sometimes I worry I'm obsessing over an impossible relationship. :(
Hey Liz,
He is cold. It's a bad sign. I'll recommend doing NC for another month before texting him again. If he is still cold, you should consider moving on.
Hi Kevin,
You think so? He replied to my first message within 5 hours or something. I wonder if me whether my secund question asking if his felony was dropped or not just stressed him out?
Yes, he has only replied and not initiated, but I wonder if I sent a text like, "Hey, I was at a conference recently and realized how nice it is to meet friends in person that you normally only get to connect with on the internet. Made me think about you and how nice those experiences must be for you and how important it is for them to be immersive. How was your recent conference? Did you see your long distance friend... Gianni? :)"
Or, I thought about sending a text of a Tshirt he'd like or something lighthearted.
I'm afraid another month of no contact... And I'll lose the opportunity to be close to him...
I don't want to push... And don't want to be desperate. I just want to start chatting again. I could try to go the let's be friends route, maybe?
I thought about gchatting... Which is more comfortable for him anyway...
What do you think?
The fact that he didn't decide to continue the conversation is a bad sign. You can try that message. Or even the t-shirt message. However, if he is still cold, then you trying anymore will make you look desperate.
Hi, kevin
My ex and I dated for a few months, and it was magic. We had an instant connection, and we helped each other to trust again, as we had both been hurt extemely bad in the past. We were also both virgins, and lost our virginity together. Unfortunately, he shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, which have been noticed by multiple lifelong friends. He refuses to adknowledge these however (probably because being diagnosed would prevent him from joining the military. Our first time dating ended after a rough patch, where both of our personal lives got extremely stressful, and the stress of a relationship as well, was too much. He broke up with me, but insisted he wanted to stay friends, and would always care for me. Less than a month later, i missed him, and decided to try and get back together. However, complications arose, as we had multiple people trying to break us up, and we had put up walls with each other as a result of the first break up. Things were gradually getting better between us though, until one extremely rough night, where we had to deal with TWO of the people who wanted us apart. My ex also happened to be going through one of his episodes at the time, and virtually shut down in front of me. He ended it, saying basically the same thing he said the first time we broke up. The next day, we got in a huge texting fight, as there were rumors being spread that i was hitting on his best friend, and that i was saying that my ex was a bad person. we ended our fight on a bad note, with him saying that he was now 100% over me, that i had no idea how easy i made it for him to leave me, and that he did care for me before our fight, but that he didn't at the end of it. I told him that i didn't care for him either and that i was over him. I have now begun the NO-CONTACT. Do you think we will have a chance of getting back together again? we had no big issues in our relationships, the only thing was how we handled stress, and we had people trying to interfere, and we both got discouraged.
Yes Tori, I do think you still have a chance of getting back together.
Hi Kevin, my ex-gf broke with me in last week and i doing this steps now. I don't want delete or block her contact in whatsapp is the only way we can talk , but i don't go talk ou stalk her. My question is in Whatsapp the people can see if you read the message, if her send me a message to me and she see i read the message and not answer her she won't be angry or give up me?
If you want, you can tell her you need space and time whenever she contacts you. After you've told her this, it won't be rude if you don't answer her.
hi kevin
i really need your help there has been a development and i dont know what to do ..
well we met. 2 weeks after the breakeup. when we met she told me she could not sleep the night before from exitment.. we spent the whole afternoon together, drank wine, went to great restaurant.. we talked a lot.. she still want to be alone with her thoughts, told me she felt the relationship held her from moving on in life and finding what she really want to do..
she told me she dosnt want anybody else but me.. and she wants to continue to see me once a week for fun and sex and that she loves me, but cant give anything back right now because she is 100% self focused on herself.
when i told her i dont see what is the point on meeting once a week she told me that if i want other girls then there is no point.. but if i dont want other girls then "why not?" , after the date we went to my place and had AMAZING SEX! , she left this morning sending me a text she had the most amazing time with me and that she loves me.
we where supposed to travel abroad for 5 days in june, and yesterday she told me she still want to go (i have the tickets hotel everything already booked) and if i will tell her that i will not cancel the tickets and hotel we will have the most amazing time together.
when i told her she is not being fair with me, she told me she will accept every decision i will make but that she will not give up on me or forget about me that quickly.
i really love her.. i dont know what to do.. what is the best way to act on this? this is very confusing :-((((
please give your take on this .
thanks.
You have two options
1. Continue doing what she wants to do till the time you can. And if it becomes emotionally exhausting (or she starts dating some other guy) for you, tell her you either she commits or you move on.
2. Tell her that you can't do this and if she wants to be with you, she should commit. And apply no contact after that.
Hi Kevin, i broke up with my girlfriend 5 days ago and its been heartbreaking for me, mostly because i know everything was my fault. I have been overly jealous and possessive and controlling and aggressive and i hate it. I hate myself. Thing is, we've only been going out for a year, although we lusted after each other for months - and i hate it because we've been living together for pretty much the whole time we've been going out. I and nobody else has ruined this relationship and i have to live with the fact i have lost the best thing in my life and my future plans with her seem in tatters. I dont want her back because i cant be that person anyone. He died on Sunday. But, i want her to fall in love wit the new me and in 10 years time we can both look back on this as being the best thing to happen to us. Ive been texting her goodnight and shes apologised many times for hurting me, if only she knew how i felt having hurt her for months.. she finally opened a dialogue from more than 'good night' 'sleep well' to thanking me for being so considerate of her. She even told me i could call if i needed too. We spoke for the first time yesterdaty and she kept calling me baby (habbit i know) she also mentioned she missed me a few times. But she also said the relationship just 'ran its course' or words to that effect. She went to a mutual friends house last night and i met him today for lunch, he mentioned to me that he asked her last night if there was any chance for the two of us, she replied to him 'no'. She still text me today and we have agreed to speak this evening, what do you think my chances are of being with her again? I never thought id ever say it and as cliche as it is, she is the one for me and i am changing for myself, because i need too, but it would be nice to be with her too.
Hey Nick,
You do have a decent chance of being with her again. You need to follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I have signed up to your emails and they are really helping me a lot, but I'm still a bit confused about what to do.
I was in a long distance relationship with someone and we would speak everyday, if not every other day. Everything was going ok, he got a little more distant than usual but I know he was a bit stressed at work and he would still always let me know he missed me/still wanted to see me etc. Suddenly out of the blue he stopped answering my messages. This went on for a week until I decided to phone him using an unknown number. He told me he felt awkward about moving around all the time (with his job) and he doesn't know what he wants right now. He also said he has a lot to think about. I told him to think about whatever that is then tell me his decision then I ended the call. It's been nearly a month since then and I've heard nothing. I know it's pretty clear we're no longer in a relationship but he didn't actually break up with me, just sort of left me hanging. So now I have no reason or explanation to help me try to understand the situation. He hasn't deleted me off of any social networking sites and I know he deleted his last ex after they broke up so he must still feel something right? Within the past week though he untagged himself from all the pictures we had together on Facebook and I find it a bit weird that he's only just decieded to do that now when its been weeks. I don't know if he maybe expected me to carry on chasing him and is trying to get my attention in an indirect way or what but it just seems really strange. The no contact period is coming up to 30 days now so how can I break it when he was the one who started ignoring me and still is, and we didn't 'officially break up'? Sorry the message is so long, I hope you can help.
Thanks.
You should contact him. It doesn't matter who started no contact or who gets back in touch. What matters more is what you say when you get back in touch. Even if things don't work out, you will at least get closure and will be able to move on.
How much longer should I wait to contact him again? And what should I say when I do?
When the 30 days are over. If you think you've already broken up, then you should use the text messages or the letter above. If you're not sure you've broken up, then call him and ask him about it. If he says he wants to breakup, then start no contact again and follow the plan.
Hey kevin.I'm a 23 year old male and my ex is also 23. Me and my ex knew each other since middle school. We started dating early February.we have grown a love for one another quick.I have never hurt her before. She has done a # of things to me and I have forgiving her.I (out of anger) sent her a nasty text message five nights ago.I said things hurtful bring up her past and weaknesses. I DID NOT mean what I said I just snapped. And it hurt her so much she just up and didn't wanna talk to me or anything.two nights later I couldn't deal with her silence so I went to her house un welcomed,and tried talking to her.and Kevin.....this girl DID NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.now I know I should of left but I couldn't accept then and there our break up is official.I didn't want her to be like that out of anger and just putting on a front she doesn't care when deep down she does. Well that same night I was there for about two hours and she was ignoring me and saying hurtful things.and as I was about to leave I kept telling her this is wrong don't do this to me. I made a few mistakes according to your tips as far as needy and talking about everything not at an appropriate time.anyway she ended up Puting her hands on me that night.badly constantly punching me and crying.here is interesting and complicated on my end on what I should do. That same night she went to her friends house crying and sobbing that she hit me and felt guilty.her friend was even saying the day before that night that my ex girl Sasha said" he wants to think I don't care ima show him what not caring looks like. Which for me makes it seem she was trying to show me what its like when she doesn't care puting up a front you know.what should I do. We haven't talked for two days at all.I don't want her to think I'm mad and don't care after she hit me. I still care and love her.and frankly she won't be the mature one and come to me.how should I proceed? Do you think she still cares?
I think you should continue no contact for two months. She will probably contact you during that time. If she does contacts you and apologizes, accept her apology and continue with the plan.
Hi Kevin,
So I was with my fiance for 3 years, we were in so much love. Along the way she did find some messages from other girls in my phone which gave her trust issues with me but she stayed by mysids. We have been having family issues, my family, mainly my mother and sister, my sister always needs to be queen B in all situations, always looked down on my fiance so they were always hot and cold. At the end of the relationship my brother inlaw broke up with my sister, my brother inlaw is my ex fiance'c boss. My sister moved back to our family house in another city but myself and my ex fiance stayed up where we all lived, next door to my ex brother inlay. This was hard due to he said she said going back and forth from my sister and her ex... Having my ex fiance working under my ex brother inlaw this caused a lot of hostility between me, my family, my ex's family.
We went to thailand for a wedding, I found messages from a guy that my ex fiance works with, he also has / had a gf. they started to message each other more and more..I asked her about it and she said they are new in town and dont know anyone..which i thought was a little weird but ok.. We came back from our holiday, everything was good, we were working things out, her mother than put a post on facebook saying that my ex shouldnt move back to our home city, stay where she is, she should let idiots (my family) bring her down..My family seen this on facebook and said to me they want nothing to do with the family..I couldn't control this so she said to me " I need time and space ". Since then I didnt do the no contact, I messaged, texted and called..emailing pics of us saying I love her and I want her back! After the first couple of days of me moving back to my home city, she did message me a few pics our her and our dog saying " your girls for ever " etc and that she couldnt deal with it all and she misses me..It's been 2 weeks now and she hasnt really contacted me unless its about the house that we just moved out of or sending my belongings back home. I have done a little bit of no contact, I havent said anything about our relationship to her, just working out finances.
I'm sitting here thinking that she may be well and truely over me? Has she started to see this new guy? I mean, she hasnt once called or text in 2 weeks to see if I'm ok? Do you think shes under pressure from her family not to see me due to my family? I'm really lost! She did say when we broke up that I'm the only guy in her life and she wants to marry me but she hasnt said anything about that for 2 weeks..
What are your thoughts?
Hey Jay,
I think the other guy is probably a rebound. However, there is a chance due to family pressure that relationship might last longer than most rebounds. I think you should continue the plan and she is definitely not over you right now. I'll recommend you keep no contact for 2 months.
Hi Kevin,
She called me this morning for a little chat and to talk about the removal trucks, but the main part is she actually chatted to me which she hasnt done since we broke up. Usually I'm the one calling her. She said that she was going out to dinner with people from work which sounds a bit shady but I might be over thinking.. I can't start no contact yet, we have to sort out finle bills on the house so that could take a week or 2..Once that is over I'll start the no contact and see where that gets me.
Kevin
My live in girlfriend of 3 years has moved out due to her daughters hatred toward me and because of lifestyle difference. She and her children are untidy where as im not and the stress of my expectations on her to help 50/50 with house work was too great ..before moving out she agreed to continue relationship living apart but within a week broke up after...she said she didn't miss me as much as she thought she would and felt less stress in her home where untidiness is not an isdue..saying she no longer loves me and hadnt for a while prior to moving out.
I applied the no contact rule 3 weeks now and there has been no contact .
I love her dearly and since I happy to do 100% of the house work as I was doing it anyway id like to win her back living apart till daughter leaves home..
Is there hope ?
Daughter is 17 mum 44 & im 49
Hey David,
After reading your comment here, I think there are other issues and incompatibilities between you two aside from the daughter. You should continue no contact for another 3-4 weeks before getting back in touch with her. I think you'll realize that you two are not compatible for a long and healthy relationship by that time.
Hi Kevin,
I need some advice. My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago because she wasn't sure how she was feeling and didn't know if she wanted a serious relationship or not. The next day she texted me how her heart is broke and she doesn't know what to do because she's torn. I texted her back a cpl of times saying I need to move on if that's the decision u make. She texted me the next day asking how my day was going and I didn't respond. Then the next day she texted me asking why I am ignoring her calls and texts and that I should not just disregard her. I didn't respond and later that night she texted me again asking if we are really done cuz she thought we were in limbo still and then called me two times. I still have yet to text or call her back. Can u please give me some advice as to what I should do in this situation
Talk to her. Ask her if she really wants to breakup. If she says yes or "she is not sure", tell her that you need some space and time right now and start no contact.
I broke up with my exgirl friend coz she told me she needed a space and she did not tell me reason ever since we never talked beside see her at work the thing is i want her back coz i feel i love her what should i do
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend broke up with me after a year & a half almost 4 weeks ago now. The week prior we were still saying I love you and had purchased a travel package for 3 years then out of the blue he brings my stuff over saying we should break up. I contacted him once that weekend to talk and we met to discuss what happened. I asked for a second chance and he said with teary eyes that this was the hardest decision he's ever had to make and that he loves me but he has a gut feeling something isn't right and he can't give me another chance. We haven't talked in 22 days. All our pictures are still on his Facebook and he hasn't defriended me. Do you think I have a chance of getting him back?? If so, should I ignore Easter this Sunday and not text him? This will be the first holiday I won't spend with his family. Can I text him "Hope you have a Happy Easter with your family. I really enjoyed being a part of it last year. Please tell your parents Happy Easter for me. Hope you're doing well"?
I don't see any harm with that text since you're already 22 days no contact.
Hey Kevin. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. During this time, we've not argued but twice. One wasn't too serious but the other was more intense. We talked it out both times. We are both good with compromise and doing what we can to make the other happy. I think This is also where I need to insert that he is divorced. It's been just at a year since the divorce was final. We did not meet until a few months after and they had been separated for some months before. (She was the one who wanted the divorce, and she also got married in march and found out last week she is pregnant). Last week he found out his dad has 2 types of cancer, one is in stage 4 and the other is advanced. I slowly started feeling disconnected to him, and we talked about it the other day and he said with what is going on with his family, his school and his work, he feels like he just needs to be alone right now. He said he doesn't know how long he needs, so he felt we needed to break up. That's it. Friday he tells me how much I mean to him, how he's in love with me and loves me wholeheartedly, then Monday tells me he needs space. I know I'm still in the first stage of a breakup. I think I've kept my whits about me though. We texted minimally yesterday, and I texted him once today. Not pouring out my soul, just telling him I hope he finds what he needs. I know he needs his space, dealing with so many things going on right now. Is there a time limit on how much space to give him? How will I know? How likely is the plan to work for us? I think I've given all the necessary details.
I think it all depends on how well he handles all the things going on in his life. I think you should give him at least two months. If he contacts you, don't ignore him. Let him know you need space and time and you think it's better for him as well.
Hi Kevin.
So I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. It's been a really great relationship, we have a fun friendship and are very goofy together. But somewhere along the line, times got tough. We argued a lot over little things. I would try to talk about things on how we can better handle our disagreements, and it never went anywhere. He would anger easily and want me to be quiet. He would either storm off or hang up the phone. I wanted it to be so good so badly. After a while he just didn't want to hear anything. He lost all patience for everything. I think that we just needed to go about our communication in a different way. Things that shouldn't be arguments turned into heated arguments. So a couple weeks ago he just about had it. He was ready to break up. He came over my house, we talked it out, I couldn't sway his mind. I accepted it. He was about to walk out the door, but he stopped himself. He didn't want it to end, he still loved me and cared about me. We gave it another shot. It was going okay, but a few times he would get short with me. It was like walking on eggshells with him. So a couple days ago, he was busy with my grandmothers neighbor doing her yard work. I didn't hear from him all morning till after school that day (2:30). I was a little upset that he couldn't find at least a second to shoot a Hello to me. But I still understood he was busy. So he comes over my house, he's fine. I asked him, "Hey I haven't heard from you all day, what's up?" And he answered, "I was busy". That just pushed my buttons and I lost myself... My emotions got the best of me. I kept going on and on about why he couldn't have just said a small Hi, blah blah.. And I regret it very much. It was stupid of me. I shouldn't have gotten as mad as I did, I shouldn't have said what I said. I tried to explain that to him while he was still there... But it was already too late. He was livid, he stormed out the house.. We were pretty much completely done right then and there. Luckily... My mother bumped into him at his work. She talked to him and was able to calm him down, told him not to make any decisions under all the anger he was feeling. So it's a couple days later now. My mom lets me know he got in contact with her. He said that he doesn't want to work anything out and he's done his thinking.. He came over earlier today to talk about this. I suggested something that could help us. I suggested we take a whole month to ourselves to get rid of any stress, work on anything for ourselves, then we'd get together after. He wasn't willing to do any of that, he didn't agree with my thought. I didn't beg..I accepted it.. I told him I still wanted to be friends, and he wanted that too and that made him happy. So we decided- we'll take a month to ourselves for space and time, and then we'll talk and be friends. We'll still see each other. He did say that he sees a chance in the future for us and I say the same.. But now my question for you Kevin is.. Do you think that our friendship can spark something up again? What are some things that I can do? Please help me. I love this guy so much and he means the world to me, and our relationship is so important to me.
Hey Ophelia,
Yes, it can. You should make a lot of positive changes during this month and work on your issues. For example, learn to handle your emotions in a better way so you don't blow up over small things like you did in the past.
Thank you.. By the way, is there a couple small things I can say at some point? I want to be able to say some things without it screaming "I want you back now!" I want to respect the space we're giving each other, but at the same time I want to be able to indirectly say some things that would get him thinking and realize.. 'Wow I really love her! I want to be with her again'
I read your whole guide and I just want to make sure I say the right things at the right time.
Hey Ophelia,
The messages mentioned in the plan are meant exactly for that purpose. Even though, they will not suddenly make him realize he wants you back, but they will slowly push him in that direction. And when you meet him, and he sees the changes in you, he will hopefully start thinking that.
Hi Kevin,
Alright thank you again. One more thing, not to bug you haha,, but since Easter is coming up I was thinking I'd get a small basket of candy and a simple card that says 'Happy Easter' Leave it on his front doorstep to find. Nothing over the top just a small gift. Is this okay to do? Or will it put me in a position that I look needy or something? I know it's a silly question.
I'll advise against it. It'll make you look needy.
Kevin,
My SO broke up with me after 14 months. Our relationship was going really smooth, we moved in together 6 months ago, there is a really good connection and we truely made each other happy. I meet his parents a month ago and it went amazingly well. He was ecstatic and so was I. The month following he seemed disconnected, he still told me he loved me, we spent a lot of time together. We started planning a recurring date day to keep things fresh. Out of nowhere he broke up with me telling me he is confused, he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what is out there. I found out he felt that we stopped growing when we moved in together and that spark was starting to disappear, and he felt "safe" with me. We never fought but we feel into routine. Before the parents trip he said he thought I was the one. Fast forward a week after I keep finding excuses to text him, just a couple things a day. We meet up to talk 2 days ago, but I realize now I need to apply NC ASAP. We left things open that both want to work at friends. He wanted me to keep the room and all the furniture and he would find another place...and all my stuff is there as I have been at a friends in the meantime. I realize I need , or he needs, to move ASAP. As far as social media goes, should I leave my FB and twitter up to let him see how I'm doing (better as I work on me...) or disconnect for a while? He's told our mutual friends to focus their energy on me and help me through this and has shut a lot of people out through the process. He worried about me as he knows I'm upset. At the same time I discovered from him that he's confused about feelings for another person, who he is now spending a lot of time with. I have confirmed he hasn't cheated and part of the break up is he felt he couldn't truly be mine while having second thoughts. It seems like a rebound as they are exactly the opposite of his type, and myself, and he was having a hard time with it leading up to our break up(which I think was the trigger). Do I have a good handle on the situation. How should I handle the move, obviously wanting NC to start ASAP.
Discuss with him about the move. And keep the conversation just about that. As for social media, it's up to you. IF you think you can stay on facebook without obsessing over his profile, then let him be, if not, disconnect from him.
My boyfriend of 3 months and I broke up because he said he couldn't handle my emotions anymore and also he said he doesn't see me in his life. A week before the break up he was just telling me he sees a future for us. I have been staying with No contact for almost 21 days but the problem is I still have a lot of my things at his place and I don't know what to do. Wait till no contact is over to get my things or do it now and maybe approach him after the 50 days I give myself and him??
IF you don't need the things immediately, then wait till no contact is over. If you need it, then you can get it back from him as long as you don't talk to him about any other topic.
Hey Kevin-
My ex and I are in college. She broke up with me at the end of January claiming she wasn't happy for the last 3 months of our relationship (even though she said during that time frame she was, and that she loved me, and that she wanted our relationships to keep growing). She later claimed I was too controlling, possessive, and I made her unhappy. When in reality she comes from a rough domestic situation and lives a stressful life at school which is in part why I think she's unhappy. It was a really nasty breakup and I pursued her for most of the month of February when I shouldn't have. It got to a point where I said eff it and just let her be. She would text me like once a week saying dumb stuff, "can I bring your clothes back?" (even though she claimed to have gotten rid of them). "Are we not going to talk when we see each-other in person?" The last time we talked in person it had been about 3 weeks since we spoke in person. she texted me during those three weeks, but I didn't give her much to work with. Then, I texted her and said I wanted to chat in person sometime and she texted me back later that night wanting to talk right then and there, in my dorm room of all places, it was 2 AM. So I ended up talking to her at a neutral place and told her how i was feeling and told her how I've been better and what I've been doing. She still maintained that she didn't want to be with me, but she practically interrogated me after I said my part. Asking me things such as "hows your family, hows your dog, hows your sister, how're your parents, did you go out tonight, are you going to go out tonight, what've you done since we've been broken up that I'd be mad at had you done it while we were together?" The conversation ended up just running in circles. A couple of weeks later my birthday passed and she sent me a message late that night saying "happy birthday, please drive back to campus safely, i hope you had a great day" which struck me as odd because it had the same kind of undertone as a message she would send like when we were dating. I replied and said "thanks". Later that night (1 AM) she liked my photo on Instagram, but she doesn't even follow me. Then the next night she followed me on twitter. Kevin, what should I do? I think she wants to be together based off of her actions and how she looks at me in person when we talk, etc. But she just fights her feelings like crazy, and tries to convince herself otherwise. IDK. Right now I'm doing the NC, aside from saying thanks to the b-day text. Do ya think she'll wanna get back together? Is there anything else I should do? I have been going out a lot more, and having fun with friends, and hanging out with other females. I still know how I feel about my ex, but I don't know what more I can do.
Thanks!
Yes, I think she will want to get back together in the future. If you read the article, then you already know what to do. Just make sure when you get back in touch, you don't talk about getting back together and don't be needy in any way.
My name is Troy I'm 45 my ex she's 26. We had a falling out 7 weeks ago and within 3weeks of break up she started seeing someone else who turned out to be a tier 3 sex offender, she knows and still sees him. We talk but I noticed she doesn't call back when she says she will,but will text. We were in a relationship for 10 months. Should I not communicate any longer?
now I notice she doesn't return my calls like before but she wille communicate through text. We.
Yes, you should stop contact. That guy is probably a rebound and the relationship will not last long.
Hi Kevin,
Saw your post it was good to see this kind of post. I had a big problem in my life. Me and My girl friend were very close and used to share all information with me. But later on some third person became as her friend and she introduced him to me. Because of him we had fight several times but this it was huge one which was very harsh at this time he said he is loving her. I was totally shocked with his reaction and i abused my girl friend and slapped her out of my possessiveness. Now she even not responding to my messages and calls because of my harsh activity on that day. She even said to me that she is not loving me anymore and don't want to live like before we used to. She responds to call some times and saying don't call me many times when ever she wants to talk with me then only she is calling me. Can you help me what should i do to get her back in my life as before.. Please respond.
You should follow the plan Cherry. Make sure you send her the apology letter mentioned in the article.
Hi kevin,
Thanks for the reply. I did send an apology mail already but she is not at all convincing. She doesn't neither want to talk to me or to see me. She is hating me to the core level. Do you still want me to follow the same No Contact rule. I am doing the same for the past 1 week. But no luck as of now. Please let me know how to proceed. Shall i go to her?
Follow no contact for another 4 weeks before contacting her again.
Hello,
I had previously been with my ex for FOUR years but it was always on n off we'd be good for couple of months then break up over something stupid like he got mad i walked out on our fight (to avoid a bigger fight) or because i "snap" all the time ...which i dont i have completely changed not for him but for myself to be a better person rarely do i get mad at him n when i do he gets mad at me n blames everything on me n we break up(he bteaks up with me).....and as sick of it as i am i love him because when we're good we are sooo good better than I've ever been with anyone but when we're bad we're soo bad probably doesnt help that we're both scorpios n have a similar character. ..anyways i just want to know if this is going to work and help us STAY together. ..I've already messed up by calling/txting him trying to work things out after we'd already broken up...i did this for about 8 days n he just said no that i wasnt for him etc etc n that he loves me but knows we'll NEVER work...but in the past he's told me how we're made for each other etc etc...is there hope that we'll actually fix this n stay together this time or is it time i move on?
I'm 21 and my ex is 24 by the way.
Hey Carly,
Whether or not it can work this time is for you to decide. That's why you should apply no contact for 30 days.
hello Kevin…
ive done my best to pursue NC and im currently at day29.. my exbf texted me twice..once on day 26 (sayin hello and how was i doin)and on day 27 (which was weird bcoz we ran into each other but he didnt see me SEE him) but he texted me (2nd time) that he saw me and textes to confirm if it was me.
i didnt reply at all.. coz im still in NC..and im scared if i ignore and he will think that ive moved on and he forgets me or if i reply even when NC is over..im givin my cards up too easy and too soon? and i think about the “what now” after ive replied… takin it he is extremely stubborn (it shows)..i didnt expext him to text the 2nd time after me not replyin 2 d 1st one.
im confused..with what if this is the sign NC has worked and im lettin the chance go, what if this is where it all begina again but how do i know he isnt just checkin if i still dig him or seein if i havnt changed
VS whay ppl say "men want what they cant have" or "men h8 bein ignored" all that is eatin me up into textin him..but if i do im scared "thats it so what now?" please tell me what to do...Appreciate any of ur advices.
Thank You so much. xx
Hey Daisy,
It's OK that you ignored his messages. Ignoring him a little bit is helpful in my experience. Get back in touch after a couple of days as mentioned in the article.
Hey Kevin, I'm back with an update. After the kiss last week, I didn't really expect anything big to happen so soon after that and I thought my ex was gonna ignore me this week but he didn't. However he seems to be busy and when I asked him if he had plans after work on Monday, he said he had some running around to do. And lately when I text him, he's not really engaged, even though he does always reply; it's normally just him answering whatever question I had. I don't know how he went from flirting and kissing last Friday to being somewhat distant now. He's not ignoring me completely but I just wanna know if he really is just busy (I know that we can't really talk or act flirty at work because of so many people around in a hectic environment so I'm not complaining about that) or did that kiss last week have anything to do with how things are going now.
He is probably confused. It's a classic hot and cold behavior. It'll pass. Give him some space. I'd say about a week or two then ask him out again.
Hi Kevin,
So the point of no contact is to get your ex to miss you and think about you. What if she doesn't miss you? What if she's already talking to another guy and doesn't really miss me because that guy is getting her attention? What do I do if she doesn't miss me?
Like I saw her out with friends etc. and she hasn't really messaged me when we've been away, I've kinda got the feeling she likes being away from me and has gotten used to not talking to me. What should I do now? Please help me Kevin!
The point of no contact is not just that. Read the article. And even if there is some other guy, she is still going to miss you if you had a meaningful relationship with her. Like I said, rebound relationships don't last.
Hi Kevin
We have been together more than 12yrs and we ‘re both 24.We broke up twice during 12yrs. We are happy couple for 12yrs and he did really good for me. Now we are having a long distance relationship since last oct. After he moves to china, we have a lot of argument about nightlife. First two months we still had phone call every night. (before he move to china, we uses to talk every night) Two months later, he always disappears and start did not pick up his phone and reply msg.
When he came back, we had talked our situation. He said he would try to pick up his phone. In fact, he didn’t even get worst. And I made a mistake, when he disappears, I will try to call him until he answer.
Last holiday, I went to china to visit him, I found that he had brought two movie tickets on valentine day. I think that he might have a new gf. After that I ask him why, he said it could be brought for others, why u always think i got new gf. I asked him how could we still together? He said he could. After I back to my town two days, he disappeared again. I try to call him, after few calls, he turned off his phone. And we haven’t contacted others for four days. After that he msg me, babe, how are u? After one day I reply him “not bad”. In fact, I was a mess, total mess. Now we still have msg every day,reply faster than before but he never find me, he just reply me and he refuse to talk to me on phone.
Next week he will be back for 3 days, so what should I do? Should I meet him? Since we haven’t break up yet, should I start no contact rule? I really want to back to normal. I love him so so much.
I think you should break up with me. He clearly cheated on you and this LDR is clearly making you unhappy. A relationship is supposed to help you grow and make you happy. This relationship is just making you more and more miserable every day. It'll be better if you break up and try to move on. If in the future, you two cross paths again, perhaps you can get back together. But until then, both of you will be happier if you broke up.
Thank you for yr reply. Actually i knew this is the best solution for us. But I just can't let go. Could u advise me the breakup method? Should i talk to him in person or just disappear??
You should talk to him. It can be in person or over the phone. You should be honest about why you are breaking up and after that you should cut him off completely form your life.
Hey Kevin
My girlfriend of three years broke up with two weeks ago.She said I was too controlling and possessive. In addition, she also said that she doesn't see herself going back in a relationship with me and she wants time to be herself. However she called me last week and said she still wants to be friends and I can talk to her even though we are not together. I told her I needed space and time for myself.On Sunday she texted me again telling me to enjoy my day( I didn't reply ). What are my chances of getting her back and how can I do it?
Pretty good chances. Follow the 5 steps.
Dear Kev,
I just received a text from my ex.I ve been on NC for exactly 3 weeks since we last spoke. He owes me some money and he asked my bank details last week and I never replied him. But I told my sister to send him the details. He has texted me today saying he needs to talk to me cz he wants to know the exact amount. But when I rang him when I got to know he is in the town , he didn't answer my call but has asked my sister to tell me not to contact him again ( This was about 3 weeks ago) . He obviously didn't even wait until he got here so we could discuss things and sort something out but found a 19 year old air hostess on facebook. He didn't even respect the relationship we had for almost 5 years. Its been 5 months since he confessed he cheated on me and he has been dating for 3 months. I deactivated my fb , turned off the online status on viber and for my surprise he has unblocked me on whatsapp recently. I turned off my last seen status over there too. I don't know why he is doing all that ! Please tell me what to do! if I talk to him it will feel like we are on a financial conference where I will have to say the amounts I have given him. I feel so cheap to sound like we are talking on business.I read the msg and switched off my phone now. What should I do ? I cant sound harsh to him cz I still love him dearly and miss him all the time. He was a part of our family and I miss him when we go on family trips and dinners. Pls Kev, tell me a good way to sort out this situation. Thank you so much . I owe u big! hugs!!
Gina
Hey Gina,
Can't you just tell your sister to tell him the exact ammount? Or just message him or email him? There is no need to talk on the phone, in my opinion.
May be I should leave it for couple more days and send him a msg then!Will my silence make him think that I have forgotten him completely?
No it won't.
Hi,
My ex and I had been together for 9months we recently broke up 5days ago. He broke up with me because he over heard a conversation between me & my cousin she asked me was I going to wear the promise ring the night we going to go out to a night club and I said I don't know I might take it off. I only said it because my feelings were hurt. The reason why my feelings were hurt is because I went through his phone and seen he had been texting this girl telling her he was going to be in town for Easter & they should hang out. He asked if she lived alone asked her to send a pic to save to his contact and last he asked if she had a boyfriend. Seeing all that really hurt. When a week before we had an agreement that we wouldn't talk or txt other ppl. I seen the msgs between the two of them on Friday & he gave me the promise ring the day after. When he heard what I said he hung up the phone & called me back saying I'm a lost cause he never wants to see or hear from me again & told me to move out of his grandmothers house. I really love him & want him back in my life. I sent two msgs a day after he broke up with me now in doing the no contact rule. He's 20 & I'm 23 do you think we still have a chance?
Did you tell him your reason? If after hearing what you said, he is still like this, then you should really think hard before getting back with him. You do have a pretty good chance of getting him back. But I think your relationship has a lot of communication problems and you should work on that before getting back together.
Kevin,
My ex and I dated for a year and 10 months, we are both 20. Today would be our two years but he broke up me two months ago. I am eight months pregnant now with his child. I did everything you said not to do in the first month we were apart. He has ignored me and shut me out for the most part. He said right after we broke up that he would go to doctor appointments and do everything he could to be there for his daughter, but has since missed 3 appointments. I am trying no contact now for the past 2 weeks. I have realized my mistakes and am a much happier person already. I have dealt with depression for the past 5 years and think I am finally overcoming it because of this. This weekend I have 2 prenatal classes that I had signed up for with my ex. They should help us deal with being parents, but because of our situation now I'm not sure if I should ask him to go with me or let him wonder why I am not contacting him anymore. I don't want to do anything to ruin our chances for getting back together. I feel like he will see it as me trying to back him into a corner. If I do continue no contact for the next 2 weeks though I'm not sure if he will feel left out by me not telling him about the classes even though he hasn't said anything about them now. I fully believe that during my no contact he will not try to contact me and keep trying to move on himself. Even when I was depressed and needy and asked if he thought we would get back together he could only tell me that he didn't know. I don't know if this was him just letting me down easy or if he really is unsure. I know if I had told someone I wasn't in love with them anymore like he did my answer would have been no. Thank you for all your advice and listening to my story.
Hey Salena,
If he knows about the classes already, you don't need to remind him. It's his kid as well, and if he's interested in helping you with the child, he will show up for the classes. Even if he doesn't you shouldn't try to contact him using the child as an excuse. If he's interested, let him contact you and you should reply to him. I hope things work out for you and you two do get back together. However, I'll recommend you be prepared for worst as there is always a chance that he will never come back.
So my ex went to the classes with me 2 weeks ago. I thought it went pretty well but I felt it was a little awkward. Other than that I have contacted him twice, once to tell him I went to the hospital for preterm labor (I'm still pregnant though) and the second to ask if he was going to the dr appointment with me since he acted like he wanted to go when I saw him. He did reply either time. Not counting those tomorrow would be the end of my 30 days no contact. I was wondering if I could go ahead and try texting him or if I should wait until I have my baby to text him since I did technically contact him during that time period. I'm due in 2 weeks but it could happen any time now. I'd like for us to be friends before she comes but I don't want to push him.
You can contact him right now, if he is cold, then back off and wait till after the delivery. All the best. And congratulation. :)
Thank you so very much for your advice, it worked. I gave my ex a letter apologizing for everything and saying that I was happy and moving on. He txted me that night saying he was sorry for avoiding me and ignoring me he was mad because he thought I was going to try and keep him from our kid, but he also wanted me to know that he was talking to somebody. Everything I've read says to do NC when your ex is in a rebound relationship, but I don't know if this counts. A mutual friend of ours doesn't think she'll date him because he's about to have a kid. We texted for a couple hours that night and he seemed to be ok with talking to me. I did everything I was supposed to do during NC but I'm worried that because I'm pregnant with his kid he thinks that he can have me anytime and is free to do what he wants and I'll just be waiting. How do I show him that I'm better and moving on besides starting another relationship? And should I keep texting him trying to rebuild the attraction or wait since he's already got a girl? Within the next two weeks I'm going to have this kid and he says he's going to be around and I have no idea how I should handle that.
Hey Salena,
You can start going on dates once you are ready after the delivery. It's not the same as starting a relationship (and you shouldn't start a relationship until you are over him) but it does send a pretty strong message. Till the time you are ready to date, just be confident and try to enjoy your life.
23 years old, short term relationship but the one of the most amazing we probably had , i screwed up when i was abroad cheating on her, and this makes her lose her feelings for me and she told me that she still wanted to meet but she needed space because she was confused.
I screwed up again because instead of apologizing after this and trying in a good way, i acted like with ego and proud telling her that i was busy all time to speak with her.
After a month and a half when i realized she moved on, i apologized with a letter and she told me that we had to keep good memories, and to stay friends.
But as we were again having good moments for two days i started to act in a way she interpreted like needy and like i wanted to come back so she became so cold to me until i ask her why she was doing it.
By phone she answered angry that as i probably hurted some girls from when i was a "player" and i dated more than one girl ( we were friends before this so she knew about my hook up times), that i have to accept that she may be bipolar but she no longer likes me. We ended well the convertation , staying finally as friends and having fun.
After this I have stayed two weeks of no contact for healing myself, but in a week im going to she her in an event-party. And obviously not needy but i dont know if act like hello and goodbye( like i dont give a shit anymore but in a kind way) and after this a text in a few days, or trying to have a good talk and try to arrange a short meeting for other day.
(my plan would be to reconnect, gain trust again like friends and with meetings,tiiime patience and my game be able to start again)
Yes i know it's a difficult situation, but inside me i know that i still have this sort of connection when im with her, and that if there is a one is probably she.
Don't try to arrange a meeting in the party. But don't ignore her completely either. Treat her like an acquaintance. Be cordial. But keep the conversations short. Less than 5 minutes.
Thanks man! after party what plan do u recommend? try with a text next days or waiting some days, or just letting time go and continue with my life ?
Ur job is amazing!
Wait a week and then text.
hey kevin i just wanted thank you for all the advice on this site...im going through a rough time with the girl i love and this helped me see more clearly.. GREAT advice and i will defintely be using it!
much thanks
You're welcome Tai. I am glad my website helped.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I are 20. We dated for a year and a half and broke up a little over a month ago. She wanted to break up and remain friends. I know she is emotionally devastated. I've completed the 30 days and feel a lot better than when I started. I feel like I could go after other people and move on, but I still miss her and want to fix our relationship. I just sent the letter, only in email form. During the 30 days, she has made no attempt to contact me. What should I do if she doesn't contact me after the email?
Send her a text after a week.
Hey Kevin,
My name is James and i'm currently 21 years old and my now ex girlfriend is 22 years old and her name is Meghan. I met her in high school I was 17 and a junior and she was a senior. It was love at first site. She had bad relationships before me and I treated her with all the respect in the world. She loved me and I loved her. We were together for 3 years staying close for college. It was in april of 2013 when we broke up the first time. She got her own apartment and things started to get too comfortable and more and more fights occurred. She told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that we should be apart. I was heart broken. All summer I tried getting her back I thought she was the love of my life. I then found out she was seeing a guy she use to be friends with back in high school named Brian. That was the hardest part for me. She started dating him 2 months after our break up. I thought she had finally moved on and was happy. I went through your 5 step procedure without even knowing it. Found happiness within myself and dated around and transferred schools.
Fall came around and it was her birthday. I sent her a simple text saying happy birthday and to give her family my love. That night she called me drunk saying she loved me and that Brian was in the other room but that I was the only one she loved. We had some small talk after that night and she said she wanted to be with me again and that she would leave Brian for me and that she never loved him. I was so happy I was finally getting the girl I loved back. Everything was perfect and we had that spark back. We dated for 6 months and then she all of the sudden broke up with me again in March. I was right back to where I was a year ago. She told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and she needed space. I then found out she was seeing Brian again, 3 weeks after our break up. I hit rock bottom. I tried giving her all my love so that I would never lose her again or ever have that gut wrenching feeling like the whole world was going to end but I lost her anyway. She completely cut off contact with me and left me lower then I've ever felt. I can't believe she would do this to me. When she needed me the most and told me Brian was never there for her I was there for her and then she just leaves me like I meant nothing to her. Why would she do that? I feel like I'm suffering to get through everyday and she is just fine cuddling with Brian. I thought he was just her rebound but now she's always with him again. I know that I should probably move on but I really do love her. I don't know what to do Kevin. How do you keep the girl you love in your life. Should I just move on for good this time?
Well, I think you should. At this point, you've given everything you have to offer and it ends in breaking up again. This time, you should accept that you are better off without her. Do you want to put more effort into getting her back only for her to leave you again after 6 months? And leave you even more heartbroken than this (if that's even possible)?
Hey kevin
as you know me and my ex were in a secret relatuonship for 3 1/2 yrs. as shes so scared of anyone finding out. its been 2 months since we broke up now and as u know i outed her begged pleaded all the stuff forfirst 6 weeks. now one of her friends found me ob twitter and fillowed mr on twitter. as i know how scared my ex is of anyone finding out about me i messaged her to tell her this. she replied lou u need to move on i never want u in my life. so i was being nice with what she fearws the most and thats how she treats me. why is she doing this??
Hey lou,
As I've repeatedly told you, you need to apply no contact. You are just looking for an excuse to contact her and it makes you look needy and desperate. She is doing this because you are needy and desperate. Unless you apply no contact for 45 days, you don't have any hope.
Ok this is fair enough, she rang me today to give me info, re prescription of mine, she said answer your phone or you wont get chance to speak to me again, when I called she was cival, but then said I have to go wish u all the best. (I answered this before I read your comment sorry) why did she rather ring then email me, and then suddley go? Is this games?
Lou,
Think about this. If you called her and she didn't answer the phone. And then if you sent her the same message, that is "answer the phone or you won't get a chance to speak to me again", what will she do? She won't do anything. She will even laugh at you and still won't answer your phone. You know why? Because she knows you are needy and desperate for her. She has ALL THE POWER. And you are letting her have it. She is enjoying this power over you. The only way to reverse it is to apply no contact. If she calls you again, don't answer. If she keeps calling for more than 3 days continuously, then send her a short message telling her you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't call you. That is the only way you even have a chance of getting her back. You have broken no contact again. That is why, you need to start again. Starting today. Yes, I know it will be more than 3 months since the breakup if you start no contact now. It's OK. You will still have a chance. But only if you actually follow it this time.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you again for all your hard work and advice, I owe you so so much, really do, you are a good man!
So 3 months wont be to long for her to move on?
What will she think when I make no contact? and at what stage of the 45 days will she start feeling the affects of no contact?
Why was she telling me to move on she wants nothing to do with me?
No, 3 months is not too long.
First she will think you are still needy. Then she will slowly start missing you and probably even contact you. When you don't answer and/or tell her you need space and time, she might get angry and pissed off and might threaten you again that you can never be friends. Then if you still continue no contact, then she will start realizing that you are not needy and desperate anymore. At this point she will probably start respecting you again and will be open to communication and being friends again.
The reason she is telling you to move on is because you are being needy and desperate. Nobody wants an ex who is needy and desperate.
Also, the most important of no contact is not her, but it's you. I want you to read the part about no contact in the article above and make sure you do everything it says in the article. If it's possible, try going out on a few dates during no contact.
Thanks, however she sent me an email today - I did not reply saying anything.
'Lou have some self resect you, you need to stop contacting me as I no longer care for you and will never be friends with you, I feel so sad for you if you live on hope for us as this will never ever happen not even friends.
That is what she said, what do you think to the email message? Is it time to move on? Or still have chance with 45 days
All these things don't matter. If what I told you to do, doesn't work, then you should move on. As of now, you still have a chance.
she now got her mum to txt me to say Chloe has moved on and I should mover on, why she getting her mum involved now
I thought she didn't want you to out her to her parents? How is she getting her mum involved?
Sorry Kevin for all the messages.
After she sent me the above as I mention in my comment, and I haven't said anything more to her she has now got her mum to call me leaving me a very angry voice mail to say, leave chloe alone she never wants to be friends with you. So now her mum is involved and its got all messy, do I still have any chance after the NC
Hi Kevin,
Her mum has always known about our relationship, its her friends and rest of her family that do not know.
Please can I ask why do none of the other things matter?
Her mum left me a long voice mail souding angry telling me to stay away.
So even if her mums been involved and chloe has also said never friends go away, I still have chance with 45 days nc?
Lou,
Because to me it seems everything she has been saying is because she thinks you are needy and desperate and no one wants to be with someone needy. She genuinely believes right now that there is no chance in the future for you too. A lot of people think like this after a breakup but change their mind after a while. Yes, I do think you have a chance but only if you apply no contact and stop being needy and desperate. If you do everything written in the no contact section of the guide, you will have a pretty good chance of getting her back.
Will I still have a chance even tho she has got her mum involved, wont her mum have an infulance on what Chloe does?
Will I still have a chance even tho she has got her mum involved, wont her mum have an infulance on what Chloe does? And Chloe said she had to get her mum involved due to all the previous contacts has made her distressed and crying in front of her parents. I haven't applied contact for a week u still think chance even tho chloe is distressed and crying?why is she crying? Also as said what if her mum has an infulance when Chloe changes mind?
Lou,
You already know the answers to your questions. I think you keep asking the same questions again and again just to reassure yourself that you have a chance. But you need to stop obsessing over her before you can contact her. I want you to try to stop thinking about her so much and concentrate on other things in your life. Take up a new hobby and start doing some physical activities.
Ok Kevin, I am sorry. I am glad I still have a chance tho I thought her mum would have inteferance with her as stop her coming forward!
Hey Kevin back again,
So I went home for the weekend and hung out with friends went to a concert and everything. Then my ex texts me with sad faces and says he really misses me and wants to hang out and catch up. We hang out the first day with his brother (which he didn't know was coming) and we had a great sweet time just as friends and it was just overall good. Then we hangout again the next day and he warns me that I might not want to come this time because of where him and his boys conversations end up since i would be the only girl there. I still went because I thought it would only be small stuff that I could handle. Well I went and my ex talked about girls around me (like rating girls that walked by) and his friends started these conversations. In the end when he was dropping me off i started crying and got upset which made him get really defensive when I told him the stuff he was saying such a miss you and sad faces weren't displaying a just friends vibe. And he got defensive saying thats what he does to his friends and what not. I sent him a snapchat and I sent that one to a lot of other people and he responded. I'm wondering did I mess everything up? What to do now?
OK, I read all your past comments and I don't see you finishing no contact till now. You have been in contact with him on and off but you didn't complete no contact. So, I'll recommend you start no contact and this time, don't get back in touch with him unless you are ready to do so. Se the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the article.
He broke up with me on yesterday, and it didn't hit me until an hour later. I can not stop thinking about him. I have been dreaming about him every night even when we were together. I really want him back, for than you can imagine. he is the only one that makes me feel like I can be my true self. I don't know what to do with myself. everywhere I go I am ending up in a place where we were happy together, and that makes me even sadder. Today at the end of school when people are whating for their bus to go home. I asked one of my good friends to go ask him back out again and I won't be clingy anymore. But he said no still, so that made me sadder and more desperate. So right before I got on the but I asked by best friend to convinse him to go back out with me. And she said she would do it on the bus. And I am assuming that he said no because he hasn't texted me at all since the break up.
What should I do????
Follow the advise in the article.
By the way, im 25 and my ex is 26.
I have a long long story, will try to cut it short. About a year ago I met a guy over a dating website, we clicked right away as friends. He told me his story (in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years, she had a 10 year old son whom he hated, wasn't working out with her all that much either, so he was looking to somehow get out). Me, I was out of my 5 year relationship for about 4-5 months by the time I met him. Was completely over the guy, everything just fell apart and we went our separate ways, so I was enjoying the single life constantly going out, getting in trouble and so on. Was nice having a friend that would always come to the rescue day or night. Then we started getting closer, attraction all that, so finally had sex and the "Relationship" if u can call it that started. He was still with her, unhappy there, happy here with me. I realized what was going on, but was just living in a moment not caring about anything, still partying and all that. He never promised me anything I never promised him anything. As the time went by I became attached to him same with him, while she is still in the picture. They broke it off multiple times while this whole thing was going on, but for some reason he kept going back to her. At some point I realized that I have pretty deep feelings for him and this can't go on, he on the other hand yet again decides that wants to go back to her and have a family. Ok, I break down go away to Russia for a few weeks, we don't talk or anything, NC at all. This was about 4 months after we met. The whole time im in Russia, I cant wait to come back and c him. That's what I do. I go see him. He tells me his heart stopped once he saw me, turned out that he went by my house trying to talk to me while I was away. About 2 weeks later they break up for good. Still didn't get back together. But, with me it's all weird. He is using pull push strategy. He'd tell me that we are just friends and he doesn't want the relationship with me (he knows that I love him). Says that his feeling are not as strong as mine and that he has to be head over heels over the girl to be with her. Says that I smother him with attention and that I want to much from him and can’t appreciate what he already gives me. So he would push me away. Once it was with a very harsh letter. My family was visiting at the time and my aunt spoke with him and told him if u don't have anything for her let her go, I will help her get through it while im here. The next day he shows up at my place and we r back on, even tho it was never official. he introduced me to his entire family. always brings me to c his parents, all the holidays I spent with them. Asks me to sit with his dog, at his place while no one is there. asks me to go spend time with his mother so she is not lonely when he is at work. just to name a few. last time after we broke it off and he came back he told me that once he was looking at me and told himself that he loves me, as soon as he realized it he got rid of that feeling, because he doesn't believe in love and doesn't know what it is. He said that he doesn’t want me because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me more than he already has, but he feels that he needs me and is very afraid of the moment when he loses me. So… Last night I couldn’t sleep so I texted him asking to bring my laptop back the next day, he comes over at 5 am says to me that it’s over, he doesn’t want to string me along anymore and waste my time. And that’s it. That pull push has been going on since the end of November, he’d push me away saying that im not someone he needs or sees as him wife or whatever and that im just a friend and then he’d come back saying that he is an idiot and that he needs me. Any thoughts on this one? As far as im concerned its really over this time. Because I’ve asked him not to pull me back again if we split. I also asked him not to fake anything because he has told me before that he would come by to c me or call me or text me just because he felt bad for me. So I said not to do that anymore cause it’s not good for me or him. I don’t want this to be over. I really did this that he is the one, we’ve been very honest with each other from the very beginning and I like that, I trust him, but I don’t believe him. So basically any input on this is much appreciated.
Hey,
I think he needs a lot of time to deal with his breakup. If you don't give it to him, there will always be this push pull behavior. He needs at least 4-5 months to come in terms with the breakup and start looking for a relationship again. Hopefully, he will contact you at that time. Even if he doesn't you should contact him after 4-5 months.
Do you think he actually has feelings for me or does he really look at me as if im just a friend like he always says? Im just very confused by this behavior.
And what should I do in the meantime? Meaning if IF he comes back again, what do I do then? I mean we've be over this many times, sometimes he could disappear for 3 weeks (the longest), sometimes it's just a few days.
I guess no thoughts on that one... Well... thank you anyway for the advise. Your articles are very helpful as well. So keep them coming. Cheers!
He definitely has feelings for you. And if he comes back again, you shouldn't take him back unless you are absolutely sure he won't leave again. Take things slowly, let him prove his commitment to you. If he comes back, you should be in completely control of the relationship. And the only way you can control the relationship is by being confident and caring more about yourself than him.
Kevin, you are great! Again, thank you very much for this. You hit the spot with your "care more about yourself than him". I can't seem to do that, I completely broke and changed myself for him. Before I used to rule in relationships. He changed everything. Gotta learn how to go back to being the old me, the real me. And not this puppet that I became just because I always wanted to please him. Love is great, but sometimes turns us into miserable creatures. BTW we r both 30, in case you were wondering.
so what do u know... this time it wasn't even three full days. last night he calls me on facetime, I ignore. then sends me an email saying that he dropped off my package at the ups, I ignore again. 3 hours later, another email asking me if I watched the new episode of the show we usually watch together. ummmm, ok. I guess I keep ignoring? today im supposed to go to a bday party, but now i don't know if i want to because i know how much he hates when i go out.
Continue ignoring. If you want to go for the party, don't stay back for him. You should definitely go out. Remember care about yourself more than him. If he continues contacting you or he stops by, tell him you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if he leaves you alone for a while. Stay calm while talking to him and be firm.
And another email from him: Can you respond to me?
I have a feeling that he will stop by today.
so we ended up speaking yesterday. he said that his life sucks, but it's better with me in it. the reason why he is pushing me back is because he is afraid that if we do end up together and his x comes back into the picture he'll go back to her. not that he wants to because the relationship was horrible and unhealthy, not that he plans to, but she planted a seed into his head that they are meant to be together no matter what happens they will end up together. she kept saying it and it's stuck in his head. he said that there is no closure, he is trying to find it and get rid of the thoughts about her but for some reason can't. says that it's like she put a spell on him. any thoughts?
If you think he really means it, then you should really move on. Tell him that it's not your responsibility to make his life better. You need to worry about your life and your happiness and you can't be happy in this situation. Start no contact and tell him when he is absolutely over his ex, he can come back and if you are single at that time, you will consider it. Till then apply no contact.
Hi Kevin!
My ex girlfriend I was together for 1.5 years. She's 22 and I'm soon 24. We both have (a little) social anxiety, but grew very comfortable with each other. We always had so much fun and laughing a lot together, even the last week before we broke up. She was always very in love with me, wanting us to be together f0r a long time and hopefully get married one day. I was more realistic saying we probably won't be together forever, but not saying it'd be impossible either.
The last 2 months before breaking up, we were together more or less all the time (while not at work/school). She wanted to go more out partying with her friends, while I wanted more to just be alone with her. Partying and drinking was very important to her as she's young and is afraid of missing out on that part of life. A month before the breakup we had an argument where she wanted more "free time" to be with her friends and such. I was hurt, and went home to my parents. The next day we were both sorry; I said I would let her have more time for herself. But we gradually ended up spending every day together anyway. Then suddenly one day she broke up with me. Everything was so normal right before the breakup; we even made love a couple of hours earlier. Then suddenly out of nowhere, she want to be friends, and nothing more. I'm shocked, because she was always the one head over heals over me; always complimenting me on my looks and how proud she is of me.
I called almost every day the first week after the breakup, and she's pretty set on her decision. The last time we contacted was one week after the breakup. I tried not to beg or anything, but I really tried to get to the bottom of why she wanted to break up; I still dont really undertand. Last time we spoke, she said a lot of nice things about me, but she says she doesn't want a relationship right now - and that she doesnt see us getting back together (in the near future) either. How can she change so much so quickly?? There is no other guy; I know her. I believe her. I was never overly nice guy to her I think, but I was always good to her. She still loves me, but not in love with me; and says she loves me as friend now. :(
It's been 3.5 weeks since the breakup now; 2.5 weeks of NC. I did tell her I would do NC on her to try to get over her. But now I feel she really might be the one. An incredibly rare match -- we have _everything_ in common- music, interests, thoughts/doubts, humour, tv-series/movies, everything! We even study the same thing. I love her, and can't let go, even though I know it's possible to find somebody else, I don't think I can find anyone with THAT much in common with. We've been on such beautiful holidays together; and I always felt that she really "needed" me, which I loved! I can't let go of all our good times! We hardly ever fought either!
I want her back more than anything in the world. Is there hope? What is she thinking? This must be a huge mistake?? :'( Please help/advice. Thanks.
There is definitely hope. She just lost attraction. Follow the plan, make some positive changes in your life, go on a few dates and get back in touch with her using texts.
It's good to hear that there's hope :) Thank you!
But it does worry me that she can just loose attraction like that - is that really _all_ that connects us?? I want deep unconditional love - I don't want to step on eggshells in the future, constantly worrying about how to "trick" her brain into keeping the attraction up.
Hopefully, it was only the "over-exposure" and that I was too dependent on her that caused it. But if I get her (attraction) back, how can I not worry about her loosing her feelings again? I want to relax and be myself like I used to! It also also puzzles me a little that she "lusted" for me at the same time as not being attracted (enough) to me. Is it possible that she _sincerely_ just needs to be single for a while (since hardly been single during her life), or is it definitely the attraction thing? She insists that I didn't do anything wrong at all :/ What attracted her initially was my looks and kindness/sweetness according to herself. Why do you think she lost attraction? Could it be that I didn't show enough affection for her in return or that I was skeptical about (life-long) commitment?
If she sincerely just needs to be single/"free", should I just let her be for a while (possibly get a temporary (ethical) rebound-gf), knowing that she'll be back eventually, or will I loose my chance forever if I give her too much space?
It could be a lot of thing. Perhaps the little differences in what you both wanted made her lose the attraction. Or perhaps she is just trying to discover herself or explore her options. As for unconditional love, in my opinion, there is no such thing. You always need to work on your relationship to make it stronger. Love requires work. Relationships require work. You can relax and be yourself, but you can't take things for granted. If you put in enough work; your relationship can have a level of commitment, stability, and faithfulness in a relationship. And even after that, there is always a small chance that your partner might leave you. The only way to not worry about losing your partner is to know that even if your partner leaves you, you will be alright.
Hi Kevin,
I really enjoyed this article and thought it had some helpful points. The thing is me and my boyfriend arent ex's yet. He had just told me last night that he was going through a lot of uncertainty in his life and isnt sure if his feelings for me are strong enough. We've been together about 5 months and says that he is content with me, just not as crazy in love as he thinks he should be. After our conversation about this last night (over text), we did not break up but it's driving me crazy knowing he's thinking about it. Do these rules still apply to this situation? He has yet to text me today, and I am trying really hard to keep a level head and give him his space by not texting him. Thanks!
Don't apply no contact if you've not broken up officially. But you should give him space and don't act needy at all.
Thanks! He did finally text me and say he wasnt sure if he wanted to break up and just needed space to think about it. So it would be best to not contact him unless he contacts me first, correct? Also, how likely do you think it is he will end up deciding to stay. I just feel like if he has to think about it then thats not good.
If he doesn't contact you in the next two weeks, you should contact him. It's hard to say whether or not he will stay, but yes, if he has to think about it, it's not good. But it's still better than him breaking up right away.
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago because he wanted to focus on himself and his goals and said I deserve better and deserve someone who is 100 percent committed to me. We dated for 8 months, and the whole 8 months he was wining and dining me, then as soon as we made it official he lost his job and became distant, we were only official for a month and then he broke it off, I was devastated because I was in love with him at that point and still am. 2 weeks after the breakup , I contacted him and we started texting. Then one month afterwards, we finally we went out a couple times and he seemed to almost be getting back to normal, of course we then started having sex (which I regret). As soon as we had sex, he started being distant again almost immediately and 10 days later, we had a talk and he said he still did not want to get back together after I asked him. That was 5 days ago and we both haven't contacted each other since. Please tell me what I should do now. Is this a lost cause?
Okay, do you think I should go for no contact for 1 month or 2 months based on the circumstances? After we broke up 2 months ago, I did no contact for only 2 weeks
One month. If you don't think you are ready (read the checklist in the article to know you are ready or not), then make it 2 months.
Hi Kevin,
I have been going through all the problems that people post here and the advice you give them. So I have mustered up some confidence to ask for your advice for my problem.
I was in a relationship with a guy for one and a half years and initially things were great. But as time passed a lot of problems started cropping up like trust issues ( I did not cheat on him) but in general he lost faith in me. He kept telling me that if there was no honesty then it was a deal breaker. I kept trying to win his trust and confidence but it kept waning and finally a few weeks back he broke up with me. It wasn't the first time that he had done it but he kept coming back and told me that he wants this relationship to work and that I was not helping at all. I know in my heart that I tried my level best.
This has been the longest he has been silent and twice I simply messaged not to beg him to come back but just to tell him that I miss him ( without making it sound emotional or pleading)
I really don't know what is going on in his mind. And I don't know how to bring him back. Can you help me please.
Hey Myra,
It's hard to say what's going on in his mind, but I can tell you he is missing you as well and he definitely still has feelings for you. You should follow the advice in the article and send him the letter after 30 days of no contact.
After a year of trust and love she simply said:" have no feeling for you anymore", it passed almost 2 months with no contact... Why should i contact her back ? i love her so much and i still do and she's on my mind every single moment of the day when im at work or playing ball or playing online or going out with friends or playing with my band or or or . i didn't break any rule i didn't even call her or txt her or talked with her friends.. If i say i dont love her i will b lying but i have my pride... she broke my heart and i will never forgive her for that although she's the love of my life. And if she will contact me i will answer her phone call with a smile acting that im doing good without her and everything is cool but i will be lying. Please correct me and explain more about pride... Thanks
Ps: i feel that i wont be comfortable before she calls me, just to satisfy my ego...
Hey,
Is being without her and still loving her making you happy? I think loving someone and not making a move is foolish. Either make an effort to move on and get over her. Or make an effort to get back together. Even if you don't get back together, it'll be easier for you to move on since you will know that it's over for good.
In your current state, you are clearly not over her. If you don't want to get back in touch, I'll recommend you make an effort to get over her. There are many resources on the internet on the topic of getting over a breakup.
Thank you so much Kevin :)
Hi Kevin, me & my boyfriend broke up a few days ago. The only reason he gave me was that he wanted to be single. Im struggling very hard, im only 16 but we were together for over a year & I feel empty. We still talk but its only been 5 days since, & im already texting him & stuff. I dont want to but for some reason I feel better when I talk to him. I keep hoping that if I give him some real space that he will think stuff through, & miss me. What do you think?
You should give him space and you should learn to be happy without him in your life.
Hello Kevin, could you give me your advise, please? My boy friend and I have been dating for two years. We loved each other and saw each other frequently. We had big problem problems in our relationship, and mostly it's my unable emotions. After he got a job in another states, he got busy. I visited him once, but we ended up having a big flight for some trivial stuff. After I got back to my place, he started contacting me less and less. It has been four months. We did not break up, but we didn't seem to be together too. After he deleted and blocked me on Facebook a week ago, I wrote an email to him and wondered why. He replied it to me next day and told me it's a family issue (His father dislike me, although we never saw each other). He told me it's temporary. Therefore, I thanked his honestly and asked to be alone to deal with my emotions for a few days. He has not contact me after all. Is there any chance for us to be together again? After the flights and arguments? I did change myself quite a lot (for my own good), especially my emotional issue, and he noticed it. Thank you, Kevin. Your help would be greatly appreciated !!!
Yes, there is a chance. Every couple fights and have arguments. All the best.
Thank you so very much, Kevin!
My boy friends said there is no future for us a while ago because he thinks we did not get along because of lots of trivial arguments over the past two years. I started the no contact by chance a week ago. What do you think I should do next? No contact is the right strategy in this situation?
Thank you, again, for your time answering my question. I am very appreciated !!
Yes, it is. Get back in touch after 30 days using the letter mentioned in the article.
Kevin,
Thank you so much for your answer and guidance. I will follow it.
Sincerely,
Anne
Hello Kevin,
My boyfriend has not contacted me over two weeks, and we are in a long distance relationship. I am getting concerned. He has lots going on in his life (mostly will be end by this month I guess), and I am going to graduate in early May. I have read some of your articles and your advices for other people. Since we have not broken up (but it seemed like we did); but there’s been no contact between us since. I keep thinking of what he said to me that "there is no future for us", and he was very determined. However, should I contact him by the end of this month (it will be NC for three weeks)?
Thank you so much again.
I think it'll better to contact him after your graduation. This way, you'll complete no contact and you'll have something new and exciting to talk about.
Thank you again, Kevin. I will follow your advice.
Hello Kevin,
Could you give me some advice on this, please? My bf and I have not contacted each over for almost over three weeks, which is sad. I don't know if he cares about me or not. Anyways, I have got a job offer (which is not in his city). Should I tell him? Or should I wait until I graduate at the same time I will finish NC? Thank you so much!
Anne
Wait.
In a nutshell....My ex finished with me after 2 years as she said I didn't give her enough attention and she'd lost the spark. I've spent the last 3 months trying to get back with her devoting every possible moment to prove how much I loved her. I did all the begging, pleading and initiating contact for the whole time which seemed to work to a point as we met up every other week, had a really great time with nights out, meals together, country walks and even still sleeping together. Each time we parted though she went back to being distant with me. And only ever responded to texts and never initiated. Then a couple of weeks ago I found out she had been “meeting” (as she put it) another guy for the the whole time I was trying to sort things. I flipped out and got really angry, begged, pleaded, cried and text terrorised her as I was so upset. She then said that it was definitely over between us and told me that she’s enjoying the company of this other guy and they’re seeing how things go, and for me not to contact her again. I sent her a text couple of days later saying no hard feelings hope things work out, which she replied and said "you too, take care".
There's been no contact between us since. I've got little choice now but to respect her wishes and leave her alone. and to try and save what little dignity I have left. Do you think your method to get back together could work, since she clearly seems to have made her mind up and she's the one who's asked for no contact?
Thanks
Yes, it can work. Her new relationship is probably a rebound anyways.
Forgot to mention some quite significant points...aside from me not giving her attention (which I'll admit to) she told me in a calm discussion very recently that she thought I was handsome but didn't find me "want to rip your clothes of sexy", Which suggests that she no longer finds me attractive? Might be a bit of a relationship killer? Obviously she does with this new guy.
Also we met each other on Plenty of Fish. So when she told me after our initial breakup that she was going to start dating again I found she'd made a profile on there. I confronted her and she admitted it. I asked her to delete it and she made excuses up that she couldn't delete it from her phone and needed to borrow her dads laptop to do it, which was clearly a lie. For the entirety of the 3 months of me trying to get her back she kept saying she "enjoyed spending time with me but something wasn't right but didn't know what it was?" and therefore couldn't decide what to do. However it makes me believe I was just a plan B, something to fall back on in case she didn't find or until she did find something better.
Not sure if this changes you opinion on the matter?
Hey, after gone through your complete message i can tell you what. Better give her space now she is with other guy, let her be with him. Trust me, defiantly one day she will realise your importance. Be'coz that guy is not permanent. You were into 2yrs relation with her. May be u should know how she will be with out you. Till then "don't text or call her" meet her accidentally (just act) but not repeat it frequently. Act like you are happy. Don't ever mention to her, with out you i'm happy. Take care. THIS WILL WORK
Hey, well unfortunately I can't "accidentally" bump into her as she lives in a different city about 45 mins away and I have no reason to go there. Plus even if I did decide to go there the chances of somehow bumping into her are very very unlikely as it's such a big place! I'll try Kevin's method and see how it goes. If she doesn't respond to the texting then I guess I'll have to give up. I can't force her to be with me. Thanks for your comment though. However I could do with some more detailed info on the texting part if you have any advice please? :)
Yes, she was stringing you along as a backup because you were letting her do so. I still think you have a chance and no contact is the best thing to do. She never learned what it'll be like to lose you forever. You should go on a few dates as well during no contact.
Thanks for your advice
17 year old here. My ex were together for about a month and a half. We have so many things in common, our personalities, sense of humor, taste in music, love for chocolate, and so many more things. People were always telling us that we were perfect for each other because we are so much alike. However, this was our very first actual relationship. She's an extremely busy person, with all honors and AP classes, not to mention a ton of other extracurricular activities, clubs, and honors societies in school. Because of this, we never saw each other very often, even in school, and she would only have the time to meet up once a week, usually during the weekends. I knew her always tight-knit schedule would probably become a problem in the future, but I didn't think much of it. About 2 weeks ago she broke up because it was too big a commitment on top of everything else she had. Obviously I could tell the decision was not easy for her, she was shaking when she told me and she looked seriously sad. She said I was the best boyfriend I could have been for her, but she just wasn't ready for it at the moment.
After that, we avoided each other for about a week, and a few nights ago I settled things with her over text to make sure there weren't any misunderstandings, and we're all good now. We've begun to talk again, but very minimal. All my friends tell me she still looks at me, and I can tell. Also when we're hanging in a group, she's laughing a lot at jokes I make, even if they're not super funny. I don't want to take these as signs yet, because they probably aren't.
I'm just torn because I really do want to ask her back, but I don't know if it'll be a good idea because she broke up for a reason (her busy schedule) and I don't think she'd go back on her word and try again, even if she really wants to, but I could be wrong. I thought about giving it a few months for us to warm up again and become close friends again but then I don't want to be friendzoned. I've also heard of the minimal contact trick, but since we've confirmed with each other that we're friends, I don't think that'd work very well. Should I wait and see after a few months and try asking her if she wants to give it another try? I'm just kind of afraid that she'll be like "why are you still trying after all these months?" and me seeming clingy or something. Some advice would be useful
I think those are definitely signs that she is still attracted to you. I'll suggest you do try asking her after a couple of months. Even if she says that, at least you'll know there is no future there.
Hey Kevin,
My ex had a 8 years relationship and a baby with his ex. We fell in love before they split. Then we felt it wrong so ended it. We started dating again after they finally officially split. But in first 6 months, her ex used the support of their families and common friends to push me out his life, and he let her. So we brokeup.
Of course we both said something hurful after breakingup.
After 3 months, he asked for another chance, I said yes coz I still had strong feeling to him. But we were not ready so it screwed up again (I compromised all and he acted like an asshole).
Then, after another month, he emailed me again saying he has been doing meditation love course for a month, and realised what he did wrong and can finanlly see what I been through and been treated unfair in the first 6 months we officially dated. He said his ex has finally accepted they will never get back together, and he felt relief from that pressure and regreted havent fight for me during the hard time. He asked me for another chance now.
Should I trust him changed and give him another chance? What to do to make it work this time?
If he seems genuine, you should give him another chance. This time, don't let him walk all over you. You should be clear about what you expect from the relationship and what you can't tolerate. And you should communicate it to him in a non-threatening way before starting the relationship.
Hi kevin,
So my ex-boyfriend and i were in a serious relationship for 3 years, off and on, and we officially broke up November of last year. We were still keeping in contact and seeing each other until I met a new guy and caught interest. We made a pact, as friends, to let the other know when something like that happens and I did. He freaked out and pretty much made me feel like I was making a mistake. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks and during that time I got to know the guy and decided not to pursue a relationship with him (personal reasons not because of my ex freaking out). He contacted me one night and I eventually let him know I didn't pursue a relationship. Well, a couple days later he said he was talking to someone else and I was ok with it. But now I'm getting the idea it may be a rebound because he kept asking if I'm ok with it, he blocked me on instagram then added me back now all of a sudden there are pictures of him and the girl. After trying to actually date I realized I didn't want to be anyone else but then he goes and rebound. I haven't made any contact with him it's usually him calling me, maybe once a week, with him "just checking up on me" and asking about my personal life( job, school,family, etc). What should I do? If he really wanted to be with this girl he wouldn't be calling, making comments/compliments on my instagram pics, and asking me "so are you still talking to me?" Or if I don't talk to him he comments "so you're not talking to me?" I'm a little confused. I've already started on getting myself together but we occasionally still keep in contact. Mainly him contacting me. Please help.
Hey,
His relationship is probably a rebound. Next time he calls, tell him you need some time and space and start no contact. Then follow the plan.
Hi kevin. My gf and i broke up after being together for 2 years. We broke up about 3 months ago. I've started to text/call her back after 3 months and i've told her that i wanted to get back. But she rejected me because she doesnt want any commitment with any guy until shes find the right time. Whats the right things to do, i cant afford to lose her.
Do another month of no contact, and get back in touch with her as described in the article. This time, don't mention you want to get back together.
hey kev,
my girlfriend broke up with me in beginning of February. we were together for 3 years. She said I don't make her happy no more and the day she left me was cause we were supposed to go out for dinner one night, but the night before she went out with her friends and didn't call me at all the next day until close to our plans. so I told her were not going out and that's when she broke up with me. she didn't answer my calls or text for a bit, but then started to respond. we been out many times for dinner, she came to my house, and had fun, but then would always be distant on the weekends. I was told by her friend that she is with another guy, who is a patient at her work. when I asked my ex, she lied and said no, but then said she isn't with him, theyre just friends. she said she doesn't love him and loves me and is confused, and to leave her alone to think out through. this is when she blocked my number from calling or texting her for 2 weeks. then , this the sunday on april 6th, she called me at 11pm, saying how she couldn't sleep the night before and she was thinking and was sorry for being mean and rude to me, she said she resented me because I kept asking about the guy and asking he if we would have another shot at our relationship, since she gave me no closure. i told her its ok, things happen, its all good and that i was really tired and that i would contact her next week. she seemed shocked that i didn't want to talk to her. i ended up messaging her a few days later, and things seemed great, texting back and forth and i didn't mention anything about our past. we then went for dinner on the Thursday, and we both had a great time, i didn't mention this other guy at all. we ended up back at her place, but we both fell asleep on each other, as we were both tired,she had her arms around me like we used to sleep lol. the next day Friday, we were texting each other all day, joking around, and i mention to her we should do dinner and she said she was busy. i said ok maybe tomorrow you will change your mind. and she said "I'LL let you know...thanks. i told her ok have a good night and haven't heard from her since.... i know she is still seeing this other guy, as she doesn't give me time on the weekend to see her... i really love this girl.. oh and the guy is complete opposite of me according to her friend. he has no car so my ex picks him up and what not...he also put some damage to her car and didn't fix it , where as i would take care of it right away...i really want her back, and what do you think about the relationship she is having with this other guy, and advice for me would be great kevin. Thanks
I think you should continue doing what you've been doing. Just don't show any neediness. The guy could be a rebound. If that's the case, she will end things with him soon enough.
Hey Kev,
Ok so what should I continue to do? Should I not text her back, or just leave her alone? I wanted her to tell me if she Is in a relationship with this guy.
Also, I don't know if this matters but my ex is liking my friends pictures on instagram and I noticed that my ex doesn't have this new guy on her instagram but my ex's brother and sister have him. Please advise.. thanks
I think you've been asking about the guy too much and it'll start getting annoying to her. You need to be cool about this. The more you ask about him, the more needy you look. Instead, start living a life of your own. Start going out more, meeting new people and go on a few dates as well. If you are on good terms and are texting continuously without any negativity, then you should continue doing so.
Thanks Kevin,
So I messaged her yesterday and told her to call me. She said she was busy at work, whats up? I said ok just call me later then when your not busy. She replied again, whats up? I don't have time for this right now? I replied: are you ok, I didn't say to call me right now, lol..I know your busy at work so just call me today or tomorrow whenever your free.. She replied: Ok..but whats going on? I didn't reply to this message. Any advice?
Like I said before, don't pressure her into anything and concentrate on your life for a while.
ok. so she messaged me the next day and all was positive, laughing, joking around and such. And then I asked her if she was hungry after work, to let me know and we would grab dinner. Her reply was just ok. And that was it. Should I do no contact with her or just wait for her to text or call me now.. its like she comes and goes, and like she is hot and cold. please advise.. thanks kev
Wait for her to call you. If she doesn't call, wait another week then get back in touch. It's a very common behavior after breakup and it'll pass with time if you keep your cool during this.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my ex 5 months ago because I needed time off. But I really want him back. I did follow these steps and I feel confident with myself.
All the best Mia.
Kevin,
My ex and I broke up in Dec after a 16 mo. relationship. She is 47 and I’m 56. I did follow the 1 month no contact rule and she began calling me every day after 3 weeks “just for sex”. I did give in after the month period and then, she needed me for a family emergency around Jan. 15th and as of around the beginning of Feb, it was just as the it was before…me seeing her at least 2/3 times a week. However, in early March, she began distancing herself again saying that she just didn’t have time to be in a serious relationship. She offered that I could be her lover, but this time, I told her no. I did find-out last week that she has seen a man at least once.
Please tell me the game plan from here as I do want her back?
Thank you.
I think she is pretty clear about her intentions. If you want, you can try no contact again, make positive changes, get back in touch (basically follow the plan), but to be honest, I think your chances are less. You'll be better off moving on.
Hi Kevin, I would love to have a moment of your time to pick your brain on my current problem.
My Ex girlfriend broke up with me after 6 months due to a huge change in her which consisted of her moving into a flat away from home for the first time with her child and it's the first time she's been able to be independant with her kid so she broke up with me as she needed to concerntrate on her change's and that of her child. Basically she said she could'nt give me what i wanted or deserved and that it was unfair otherwise. She said she wanted some alone time with her kid right now and really wanted to be independant. She said nothing about being friends or staying in contact but she's quite a shy insecure person.
Up until the break up we were really close and she felt i was her soulmate and the best thing that had happened to her apart from her kid obviously.
I agreed to the breakup (begrudingly) and remained quiet for just over a week and was following the rules you suggest, the thing was she started likeing things on my social network homepage so i contacted her via text and had a couple of nice responses, she seemed happy to talk to me and it was just friendly banter really, absolutly no mention of the break up or anything negative but then she went quiet again so ive not contacted her since.
I presume she still needs time as it's not been long but would like your view on the above situation and any help you could give would be hugly appreciated.
Many thanks
Hey Nick,
Yes, I also think she needs a little more time. I'll suggest you contact her again after a month.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me back in June 2012 while he was out of the country for half a year. He broke things off with me because he said that he didn't want to be involved in a relationship with anyone and that he needed to take the time to find himself and build a life for himself. He told me that he still loved me and still had feelings for me but wanted to be friends for now until he could figure things out in his life. So I made the mistake of being friends with him, spending time with him and hanging out. For the past couple of months I thought things were going great between him and I. We were getting along, we weren't arguing and fighting, and we were spending more and more time together. I thought things were moving in the right direction and things were finally starting to look up for me. I did try the "no contact rule" for a few weeks and it worked, or at least I had thought it did. I ignored every attempt at communication from him until he decided to show up to my house because he missed me and wanted to talk. He ended up pouring out his heart to me, tell me that he still loved me, that he was still "in love" with me, that he missed me, and that he wanted to spend time together. As time went on after that, we started acting more and more like boyfriend and girlfriend. Like previously stated, we had been getting along really great and he started including me in more things in his life. If I ever brought up the relationship talk, he would tell me that he wasn't ready and that he still was trying to figure his life out and that it wouldn't be fair to me to drag me through finding himself. Last night, he pulled me aside and sat me down and decided to tell me that even though we have been acting like we are boyfriend and girlfriend, that he doesn't want that anymore. He told me that his feelings have changed for me and that he is no longer in love with me anymore. He told me that I am still the most beautiful girl in the world to him and that I am truly an amazing and awesome person and his best friend, but he just doesn't have the same feelings for me that he once had. He told me that he doesn't foresee himself being in a relationship with anyone for many, many years to come and that he is still trying to figure his life out and that he realizes that he has been very selfish towards me and that it is no longer fair to me that he can't reciprocate his feelings. He told me that he loves me very much, but he just isn't in love with me anymore.
So, I am lost, I am hurt, and I am confused. I know he has said similar things like this in the past to me, but only because we were arguing and fighting but last night was different, he had a calm demeanor and there was no tension or any negative emotions and feelings. Is the love really gone? Is it possible for us to rekindle again one day? Could his feelings grow for me again and could he fall in love with me again? Should I move on and let him go? Too many questions running through my mind so I am posting on here to try and get clarity and seek some advice. Thanks.
I think you should move on. It's been almost two years since the breakup. How much more of your time do you want to waste trying to pursue him? I'll recommend you start no contact and try to move on.
Hey
I'm student from Turkey and I'm sixteen.So my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago.It was our mutual decision.Our relationship was really different.We loved each other but we weren't meant to be.We were totally different.We had nothing to talk about but we loved each other.In fact, after we broke up I said i love him and he said '' I love you but we have to deal with this''.I was totally sure about his feelings.He loved me too.
Now here is my problem.It has been a month but it still hurts so much.I want to know if he's feeling the way that I'm feeling.His behavior is just confusing.I don't know what to do.Let me give you some examples.We're in the same class.Two weeks ago he called his friend by my name.I ignored that.Last week he was talking to the class but he was always glancing at me.He was trying not to look at me.I could understand that.And about a week ago he was talking to his friend and I was listening to him but he didn't know that.Anyway he said ''I'm going to have a haircut because that's what guys do when they get depressed.'' his friend asked him the reason of his depression and he said ''you know the reason buddy , She's always on my mind at the nights''
I thought he was talking about me but there's an another girl he likes and she's in our class too.Maybe he was talking about her because they were really close .I wasn't sure about the person he was talking about.My friends said it was me but I'm not sure.
This was the situation.But today suddenly everything has changed.I guess he is going to date somebody else.He's talking to an another girl.Did he get over me ? Also there's something else.He loves listening to Eminem.So his whatsapp statu is ''I'm afraid If I close my eyes I might see her''. I searched this sentence.It was a part of a song of Eminem called ''Going through changes''.I checked the lyrics and let me show you a part of the lyrics
''I think about the things I would have never got to say to you,
I'd never get to make it right, so here's what I came to do.
Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
But I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
There are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
Guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
But I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placin' any blame,
I ain't pointin' fingers, heaven knows i've never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
But just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn't end this way.
But I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm..''
So what do you say ? Is he over me ? Does this song mean anything ? or Am I being paranoid ? my friends say '' It's just a song he likes. It's not something about you it has been a month he is already over you'' Are they right ? Please help me I really need your help
You are overthinking everything. I think you should apply no contact for 2-3 months and concentrate on yourself during that time. That means, not looking for signs from him, not checking his statuses, removing him from social media and completely cutting him from your life. You will still see him at school, but that's it. Otherwise, keep him out of your sight and out of your mind. If after 3 months, you still want to get back together, then contact him.
Ten days ago my girlfriend broke up with me after eight months. It was a great shock to me, as the day on which she did so I was still looking for an apartment for us. We never had arguments, got along very well and nothing seemed to be wrong. Only the last week, in which she had quite some stress, she was less affectionate. I thought it was because of the stress, but apparently she had had doubts that week. Her doubts were mainly about living together. I knew it was a big step, but she seemed okay with it. But apparently her commitment fear took over in the end. She said that she did not feel ready for it, but proposed living together because she knew I would love that. She also said that she felt like she did not love me as much as I did because I could easily build my life around her and she felt strangled because of that. Since the day she broke up with me she is extremely cold and rational. She says she does not miss me and that she does not see any future between us anymore. I haven't contacted her for nearly a week now, but I feel like that will not have any effect in this case. It seems like she has completely shut all her feelings off out of fear. I am so puzzled and devastated.
I think it will have effect. Some people deal with breakups by shutting off their feelings. But whenever you try to suppress your feelings, they eventually come back with time. Follow the plan.
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and it is obviously "no contact" right now but it's her birthday in a week? Do I wish her happy birthday or not. Thank you
Send her a text but keep it short.
Hi Kevin, I have read many articles on your website and it has given me great insight! Still, I need your advice. My partner of 10 years asked me for some space in January. He claimed to be going through a mid-life crisis, he is 52, I am 40. It was meant to be a break while he sorted his head out and we were not to see other people. A decision was supposed to be made early April. I accepted, went on holiday etc. and returned to our home at the end of March. There I found an incriminating email to a woman from his work. He denied anything ever happened, but has now admitted that he intended something to happen which "was equally wrong". We had two lovely evenings before I found the email and I confronted him and told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay, promised no further contact etc. and that he wanted to spend the next 10 years with me. I laid out my terms etc and we agreed to move forward and work on our relationship. A few days later I had reason to suspect that he was still in contact with the other woman, I confronted him again, he continued to deny it although I am 100% sure he was. So I told him I could no longer trust him and it was over. I deleted him from my IM and went NC. I have now been NC for 5 days. Yesterday he sent me an email, to which I did not respond. In it he apologised for his bad behaviour, "he hasn't been himself over the last year", "that he will always love me and think of me." "His head is still a mess, but when he finally manages to sort out his feelings he hopes to have a long talk with me." Followed by: :It's me not you." As a result I am very confused as to his intentions. Do you think there is hope? I am going to pick up my belongings from our home this week whilst he is away. I love him dearly and hope that we can sort things out. We had many arguments because I wanted us to relocate to be closer to my family and friends and I guess that got too much for him. Thank you for your help!
Hey Ann,
I answered your comment over here.
Hi kevin! Want to let you know that this post made me realize some things but sometimes, I can't help to think a lot and makes me more confused. I dated someone for 2 years. On our second anniversary, that person told me she wanted a space and she told me to wait for her until she comes back and its like 2 months from now. Before that, to let you know I cheated on her but that was long way ago and I never did that again and she told me she have forgiven me and I know she did because she went to my place twice last year although we were from one part of the world to another and we were perfectly fine. I also felt that she became more important to me and we worked out on our issues but just 2 weeks ago we had a fight and she asked me for space and told mr she's unsure and doesn't love me as much as anymore. What should I think about it? Besides to the fact that there's the plan and rules you posted. I just wanted a closure for now (I want her back someday, she's the Love of my life) because just last night she told me it's over and I shouldn't wait for her anymore because there's no assurance she'll come to me and she doesn't want me to get hurt over and over again. What does she mean? Last night I asked her again if she still loves me and she said yes but not as much as before. I also asked her if she still desires me, she said yes too and told me it won't fade that easily because I became a big part of her life.
She doesn't see a future in the relationship and she has probably lost attraction. Luckily, she is still attached to you and you have a good chance of getting her back if you follow the plan.
Thanks kevin. She just told she doesn't promise anything and she can't promise that she'll come back but she promise to try fix this when she comes back and i have almost 2 months until i see her again personally. I want her back permanently. If this works out in the end, I have you to thank forever.
Also, I want you to know that she is like having a midlife crisis where she lose interest in Me, on her job and everythong. She doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't want any commitment but just friendship and she's ready to go on a friendly date with me once she comes back. Our relationship were really serious and I knew that because she had only eyes for me and we really loved each other. Love was really overwhelming back to our better days.
All the best Rick. I hope things work out for you.
Hi kevin. Sorry for another question. I'm really confused. She said she doesn't want to depend on anyone right now when I asked her if I could take care of her again. She said that she promise to try to fix it by sorting things out when she comes back after 2 months and we'll talk about it once she comes back. She loves me but not like before and cares about me. But I want to know really based from what I said to you. Do i have the chance? Should I use the 2 months(until she's back to the country) for the plan? Is she going to forget me and realize that she's better off without me if I don't contact her for 2 months? Sorry kevin. Thanks for helping. I know that she needs space but I don't want her to completely realize I'm not the one for her.
Yes, you definitely have a chance. Yes, you should do 2 months no contact. No, I don't think she will forget you in those two months. You were together for two years. It takes longer than 2 months to completely get over someone.
Do you think i should still go to the process of dating someone before I meet her? Technically we're still together.
Well, it's complicated between us. She asked for space even though we're thousand of miles apart. And again, she doesn't know what she wants. Basically its like post- break up stage. Do you think i consider it as break up already and go find a rebound before I meet her? Its confusing. Thank you for the advice, Kevin.
If you are technically still together and you are sure she is not seeing anyone right now, then you shouldn't go out on dates. But you should do everything else mentioned in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over 3 yrs now. Before we broke up about a month ago, she was spending a lot of time texting another guy from the internet. I got somewhat jealous of that and asked her why she was talking to him so much more than me. She said it was not "like that" when I asked her if she was planning to go out with him. I was playing a lot video games at that time and asked her why she wanted to be with me because all I did was play games. I told her why not just go out with that guy she hangs out with all the time. At this time, I was more frustrated and than having a fear of losing her.. but it all changed after I lost her. After one to two days, she said she didn't really want to be with me anymore. I felt heartbroken because I couldn't understand what I did wrong. I wanted to see her to talk to her and she said no. But I pushed it further and acted really needy. I've started to miss her more than ever before after that, it was like I couldn't live without her. After a week or so with this sorrow in my heart, I still couldn't believe what I said made her leave. One day, I was at my apartment one day and drank about 4 shots of alcohol and then went over to her place. She was furious because she didn't want me to go over there. I apologized the next day for doing what I did. I just felt sad and didn't understand the true reason why we broke up. I asked her if she would give me a chance in the future, she said she doesn't know and told me that all of this obsessiveness is unattractive. I understood what she meant and realized that I wouldn't want to live a life that way either, I didn't want to be the one always trying to contact her. It's been a good 3 years that we were together and I had many memories of her, and I've sent an email with photos of us together, she asked why I did that and I told her that she has shaped my life.
I know that she still hangs out with that guy and his friends to do homework and study. Everyday I asked her if she wanted to go eat with me but she would tell me she is busy.
It just feels like she won't contact me if I don't message or text her. I'm still jealous that she will go out with someone and forget about me. I just couldn't believe that what I have said made her leave me.
Right now, my feelings for her cooled down a little bit. I'm currently on NC and today is the 2-3 day. I still have memories of her whenever I do something or see other couples together. It is hard to forget her and I don't really want to forget her. I still love her and want her to be in my life in the future.
Recently, I've been starting to go swimming and played less games and have been focusing on school work. I know that NC will benefit me because it allows me to change. Now that I think about it, it's actually a good thing that we broke up because it made me realize my mistakes and that I can become a better person. I'm just still worried that she wont contact me and still jealous of her hanging out with that guy.
Actually, I'm afraid that I will be the one that will forget her. I don't really want to go looking for another girl to be with.. I would just like to know if we have a good chance of getting back together. Could you give me some advice on what I should do, should I continue with NC and for how long? What happens if she does actually message me during NC, do you think it's a good idea to try and hangout with her again? (But I doubt this would happen)
You should continue no contact for at least 30 days. If she contacts you, ignore her. If she continues contacting you, tell her you need some space and time and then continue no contact. Just follow the plan.
Hey Kevin.. so today I saw my ex holding hands with that guy she always texts to... I was so close to texting her, but I just didn't know what to say and didn't want to act needy. I know I can't change her decisions for staying with him or not. I miss her and love her a lot, I don't know what I should do. I want to contact her so badly but that will only act like I need her back in my life. It's only been 4-5 days since no contact and she hasn't replied and is going out with someone. It is hard to believe that their relationship is a rebound relationship even though she only met him. I am so heart broken right now because my memories with her cannot go away and I keep thinking about her everything I do or go, is there a chance for me anymore?Please give me some advice on what I should do... thanks Kevin.
Hey Kevin,
I've just gotten your email about how she is already with someone else during breakup. I know that their relationship isn't as close between me and her because we have been together longer, but what should I do about it? They are ONLY going to get closer and get to know each other more as time goes on. What if she is not looking for ME inside of him, what if she is looking for someone else to be with for her future? I know my mistakes now and I can prove that we can have a great future together by doing things together. After no contact, how am I supposed to approach her to give her the letter I want to write? I still find it hard to believe that if I ignore her while she is together with someone will make them realize how much she miss me... or even give me an opportunity to show her that I have changed. She DOESN'T want me right now, what makes it so sure that she will want me after NC? She might still be in a relationship with that guy after no contact and although it might be a rebound relationship, it might just work. I know I'm supposed to take it slow and start off as friends again before getting together... I also understand that if I intrude their relationship that it would become even worse for me to get back to her.
I just don't know what to do at this point... should I introduce myself to the new guy and actually tell him to take care of her and move on? I still really love her and miss her so much, but I am filled with regret for my actions because I shouldn't have pushed her away before breakup. But then again, without breaking up with her, I would have never gotten this opportunity to grow from my childish acts. I just want some advice Kevin, what to do after NC, how to approach her with the letter (and her favorite food that I want to make for her), and most importantly... how can I get back with her if she is still in a relationship with him. Thank you for helping me and everyone else here.
Hey Edward,
The answer to all the what if questions you asked is simply "yes, there's a chance it might happen. But it's less." It's a risk and as you know trying to stop her is only going to make things worse, so there's really nothing else you can do.
As for getting back in touch after no contact, you can just email or send it to her house. She will most probably contact you back and even if she doesn't, you should contact her again using texts. As of now, you should only be concentrating on the no contact rule.
It is most probably a rebound relationship Edward. You do have a chance.
Hey Kevin,
This is our first relationship for three years, and I know that there is a high chance that she might not contact me during NC because she was a shy person when I first met her online then in person. I know it's her decision to choose between us, my NC is over mid May assuming I keep it up, and in mid-June she will go back home. During this time, she and the new guy will only get closer and I know there is nothing I can do but accept that for now. Maybe things will change and she contacts me, should I continue to ignore her response? Wouldn't my ignorance to her message (if she does send me one) imply that I don't want her and that would increase the chance for her with the other guy? But if she still hasn't contacted me after NC, how should I respond to her if I were to contact her after and she says that she is currently in a relationship? After all, I didn't do something THAT bad to make her leave, it might just be that she wants to be with someone else (maybe GIGS?), to find a better person for her future?
If you think not responding to her is risky, then tell her you need space and time whenever she contacts you. How you should contact her is already covered in the article. Her being in a relationship will have nothing to do with you contacting her because you won't be contacting her to get back together.
Hi Kevin,
I probably shouldn't have done this, but it just didn't feel right for me not to. Today, I have msged my ex through FB and told her that I had a confession to make. After that I told her that I have accepted our breakup and understood that we are no longer together. I also apologized for the needy and obsessive ways that I have acted after breakup. I told her that I hope that we could still be friends, but she didn't respond to me. Soon after I have changed topic to school she would start to talk to me, but the responses were short and didn't seem too interested. It is probably because she is in a new relationship with the new guy.
The reason why I broke NC and messaged her because it did NOT feel right and that I didn't want her to think that I didn't want her in my life anymore. Before I started NC 5 days ago, I was texting her on FB and on the phone but she didn't reply. A day before that (6 days ago), we met and I brought her food because she said it was okay for me and we had a brief connection. So I'm assuming that this relationship with the new guy started within the 5 days.. and I couldn't just let her think I had ignore her. I have shown no neediness or obsessive behaviors during this time that I have contacted her.
I am thinking.. should start NC again or still stay in contact with her by asking her out once in a while?? Please explain the difference..because she wont open up to me!! I feel like I might lose my chance if I continue NC (she is very unlikely to start any type of conversation with me right now) How can I attract her by not talking to her? I don't want to act needy or start obsessing again before NC started and I know that I'm not supposed to do anything with their relationship and be cool with it because it is her decision whether to get back to me or not. She still HAS NOT told me about her new relationship with the new guy because I found that out myself when I spotted her holding hands with him. Please give me some advice of what I should and should not do, as I don't want to mess up the chance I have for getting with her.. if I still have any left.. has my chances of getting back together with her dropped a little because of this? Help..!
In my opinion, you should start no contact again. What you did wasn't very helpful, as you might have guessed seeing how cold she was. But you do still have a chance. You have to be OK with the fact that you might lose her forever. You have to learn to be happy without her in your life. Until then, you should not contact her.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for the emails you have sent me, I find it really helpful to keep myself positive and stay on track. It mentions that says the longer you wait, the harder it will become to get her back and that I have to use psychological triggers and keep pressing on it. Am I going on the right track, by trying to get my genuine traits back while I am on NC? But after NC, if I try to contact her again as a friend, wouldn't she want to stop being bothered because she is in a relationship with someone else?
No, she won't. 1. Because her relationship is probably a rebound and is not that important for her. 2. She will probably miss since she didn't have the time to get over you. Hearing from you will be a pleasant surprise and she will probably want to continue being in touch with you.
Hey Kevin,
I just don't know what to do anymore...I have tried to apologize for the way I have acted, and tried to get in contact with her just to meet up as friends. She just tells me that she is busy and doing homework, when the fact is that she is hiding the relationship from me and when I ask her if she was with someone, she wouldn't reply to me at all. It's like she is trying to forget the memories and history that we had together. It's hard for me to try and reach out to her because her responses seemed like no interest. It is hard for me to accept the fact that the three years of moments that we shared together will be gone this way. I feel like she didn't get into a relationship just for rebound, she probably got into it because she wants to see if he is the right and better person than I am. I know I haven't been doing no contact, do I still have any chance left? What should I do starting now?
You do have a chance and you should start no contact and keep doing it until you stop obsessing over and start feeling happy in your life.
Hi Kevin,
It is just hard to see her holding hands with someone else and think of the things they might do together. It just seems that they are so happy together like a fresh relationship. It's just hard to accept the fact that she might find him better than me and will forget me forever. She is just that type of girl that won't show how much she misses me and will try and forget me, so I don't think I will receive any messages during this time. I will start NC again and try to be best I can. I will contact you back in a month when I have progressed on. I have already read your article about how to get in touch with her again, please send me some more email as to what else to write in my letter when I want to get back in touch with her. Thank you for all the advice and responses you have given me.
Hi Kevin,
After I've had a school counselor meeting today, I've contacted my ex to wonder if she was taking any classes in the fall. I would like to take a class with her so I had a casual conversation with her. After a couple of texts/fb messages here and there, she just responded with "idk". I've also asked her if she would like to hangout and eat today, but she replied with having to study. Later on, after my class, I saw her holding hands with that guy again as they have walked to the bus stop to his place or somewhere. It hurts me every time I see them together because it makes me think of what I have done to deserve this because that could have been me with her.
So later on that night, I asked her why she was so cold to me lately and why she was avoiding me. She just says that she has been doing homework and studying everyday and that she hadn't had the time to do anything else. I find that really hard to believe because I know that she is hiding her relationship with the other guy and that she has been avoiding contact with me. I told her that I know she's been busy and that she still didn't have to be so cold to me. She said that she was sorry and that she still misses me and that it makes her sad when she looks at the stuffed bears I gave her. I told her I missed them, and she would ask if I want them. I asked her why is she trying to forget me and told and avoid me and that I knew she was busy but I was sure that she'd have some time free. She says she's not avoiding me and that she doesn't do anything but stay home or go class. Then I asked if I could meet her to talk to her but she just says to tell her what I have to say over FB. I insisted on asking to meet her to talk about it, but she found me annoying. Soon, I dropped the topic and changed it to having memories of her where I ate with her. I also suggested some restaurants and that we should try someday. Although I got the conversation going a bit, but it started to die down after a while.
Kevin, there are couple of things I'd like to know.. first off why is she hiding her relationship from me? Why would she tell me that she is going to class/studying when she was probably at the other guy's place. Secondly, how come she doesn't know if she would take a class with me? I am trying to show her that I care about our future (probably one of the reasons why we broke up) and try to make plans with getting to her but she keeps shutting me down. Lastly, why is it so hard for me to get in touch with her? I know it was late at night when I asked to see her to talk about our situation, but she will be busy during the day with the other guy so when is it ever a good time? Why does every time I have a conversation with her (once every 5 days or so), it ends so soon? She has been really cold to me lately by showing not much responses to my texts/fb, and keeps telling me that she was busy when obviously she is with someone else. Please help me as I am lost to the answers to these questions and I don't know what is going on in her mind.
Hey Kevin. So it has been about two months since my ex and I broke up. He broke up with me because we were having a couple of problems (not on the level of cheating, though) and he felt he lost himself in the relationship and needed time and space to figure out what he wanted in life and where he wanted to be. But though he wanted space, he still loved me and he wanted us to move together towards the end of the summer. After me being needy and getting on his nerves, he told me that if we were to move, he wants to know if I could handle just being friends. I told him yes. I stopped contacting him as much, kept my distance, and I only responded when he contacted me. A couple of weeks ago, my ex and I hung out for the first time in a while. We ended up going to the club and got pretty drunk. Afterwards, we ended up at my house. We were beginning to have sex until an interruption came and he stopped. He said it wasn't right and that he loved and respected me too much to do that. He said we need to set boundaries and that can't happen again, at least not like that. As much as I wanted him, I understood. Embarrassing enough, I broke down and cried, told him how much I missed him, that I haven't had sex with anyone since him, that all I want was him. We hugged, kissed and parted ways. But since then, our communication has been cut off. He doesn't contact me anymore and I feel he's getting closer to other girls and drifting more apart from me. Where do I go from here? Does this drunk affection means he still loves and misses me? Do I go back to no contact? Do I start contacting him more? What does this mean for us?
Yes, it means he does love you and misses you. I think you should go back to no contact for a while (at least two weeks) and then start talking again. I think you took a step backwards by breaking down in front of him. That probably scared him and made him put his defenses up.
Hello,
I have a burning question to ask. I have been with a man for four years now, and out of no where last week, he dumped me. He said that he just doesn't feel it anymore, that he wants a new girlfriend. We broke up last Summer for about a month, and then he came back.
Except, love doesn't just disappear after four years does it? Will be come back, does he still love me? Why does he want someone new?
It's hard to say why does he want someone new, but yes, there is a good chance he will come back if you follow the plan. And no, love just doesn't disappear, but people change and so do their priorities. Perhaps this relationship wasn't a priority for him anymore.
Where do I see my response to my comment?
Robert, I don't have a comment from you. Did you use any other email when commenting?
No and I submitted it over a month ago. But to recap, I am 30 and my now ex is 24. We dated for a year and a half and we're talking about marriage and even looking at rings back in September. She has a child from before we met who we decided I would raise as my own. The biological father hadn't been involved for the first 2 years of their child's life but started coming around more often right around when my ex and started dating. So besides creating a relationship with just her I was becoming a dad to her child and dealing with the father. When we started dating it became such that anyone who saw us knew we were in looooove. We all moved into together in July and unfortunately at the same time I lost my high paying job. So that being said I took it very hard and kind of lost myself in worrying about finances as well as felt like I could take care of my family. We began arguing more often in December and at the beginning of January she broke up with me. So at that point I made the common mistakes of trying to convince her to change her mind, trying to be the best person I could to show her she was making the wrong choice, and giving in to her demands...even offering to help her when I didn't have to. Then, she moved into her new place and had a scary thing happen so I jumped right in and was there for her. Nothing romantic but as we were there her child was still calling me daddy and we slept in the same bed. We cuddled but nothing more. Then I left and the following night I noticed she had removed all of our pictures from fb so even though I had been drinking and knew it was a mistake I called her asked her why.... obviously I was not dealing with the breakup yet and breakup brain was running things. So directly after that I read your article and implemented the no contact. So after a month and few days after getting in the gym, working on me, getting a great new job, and just overall focusing on my life and becoming more focused than I have been in years I reached out to her. I sent her a text but hadn't sent her the letter. Just light and about an musician I knew she likes... she didn't reapond. Then about a week and half later I heard something that her child would love to go to so I called her in the morning on my to work... she answered but just because she had overslept and I woke her up. We both said we should catch up and she said she'd call me that night.... but that didn't happen. I texted her the next day all upbeat but also because she had a bunch of my stuff and she just told me to talk to her parents because they had it. I haven't talked to her since. This was a few weeks ago. I have been casually dating....rebound really and focusing on work and my life but still believe deep down that I know where we both went wrong in the relationship and how to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I believe she maybe in a new relationship/ rebound as well. Since we aren't talking what are my options and what can be done to begin communication so that the option of getting back together is even possible? I'm really confused as to what to do from here and as much as I completely know I need her in my life I want both she and her child in mine. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!
Robert
Hey Robert,
I think she is trying to avoid communication with you because she is in a relationship and doesn't feel right about it. In such cases, it might be better to try some other means of communication, like email or facebook messages. Sometimes, they are afraid their boyfriend might check their messages and they don't respond to it. But they are more responsive to other more private forms of communications like emails.
If she still doesn't respond, then it'll be a good idea to leave her alone for another month (or two) and try again.
Met a guy and the second date.. we had sex (which I never do). He was already confessing that he wants to be with me forever, wants to have kids with me, wished he could have married me instead of his other wife (he is now divorced), that he wants me to be his queen , wants to sleep with me forever, even had sex without a condom, had dreams at night where he was crying feeling around the bed asking "where did you go?", waking up and looking around for me if I wasn't next to him.. Well, you get the idea. He showered me with I love you and practically convinced me of his eternal love. He says he never does this sort of thing (his sister also says he never does this sort of thing. He's a "bull"). This was out of his character. Called me a few days later and backed way off and acted like he went way too fast and we needed to take at least six months to decide on marriage. It took my head for a spin because his feelings were real and Mine were too! Well, from there i went in and out of being upset with him and his pursuit and withdrawals. Then there was a pregnant scare (which didn't seem to bother him). I told him to basically make up his mind about what he wanted with me (on the fence or not). So he said we should just be friends before even dating (with the idea that marriage could be a possibility). and I said no, that is going to be a problem. Then he broke up with me and I was in shock (unfriended me and changed his relationship status right then and there). It shocked me and I went into denial..texting.. Showing affection.. Then anger.. Then affection.. Trying to figure out what the hell happened. This all happened in two and a half weeks! I texted too much because I was shocked with his silence. Few weeks later he said for me to stop texting and go away (but then looked at my profile on meetme.com that night). Wtf? I don't understand.. I have said a few things since then, not much. Weird thing is, he won't block me and he still reads my messages. He sees all of them but he won't talk : / Now I am starting the silent thing you're mentioning. Do you think there's a chance with this strange circumstance of passion? Haha
I think you do have a chance. Although, the sooner they fall in love, the sooner they fall out of love.
Hey Kevin. So I asked my ex if she wanted to meet up, and she asked me why. I said because it's so awkward between us in school and then she said that it might send the wrong signals, I replied that I only wanted to repair our friendship. We ended up texting for about 2 hours about all sorts of stuff, at the end we came into more deep stuff how she wasn't ready for a relationship because she had big problems with herself. I asked about her problems but she said it was hard to explain and that she was tired so she wanted to sleep. Now, the way she said goodnight was a little interesting in my opinion and it's the reason I'm writing this question, she said: Goodnight, we'll keep in touch. (roughly translated) I'm thinking that I should wait atleast one day before I contact her again, do you think that's a good plan or should I text her right away the next day?
Sincerely Johan
I'll recommend you wait at least three days before texting her again unless of course, she texts you.
I ended my relationship with my girl friend coz she asked me for space i texted her to tell her why i did so but she didnt respond but now i want her back we see each but we dont talk what should i do
I forgot to mention that I am 25 and she is 23. Also forgot to mention that we were together all the time. We even drive to work together as we have an hour commute.
My ex and I were together for a little over two years . The last couple of months I was for some reason insecure with her and accused her of cheating on me quite often . I know for a fact that she wasn't. She finally said she hit her breaking point and could deal with me accusing her of this anymore and we broke up. We talked a tiny bit right after, she said she loved me. I sent her flowers to show I was sorry and she did say thank you. I hadn't heard from her in about two and a half weeks and couldn't take it. I called her today, left a voicemail and didn't hear back. She said she needs space and says she will talk when she's ready. Now that I messed up the 30 plan, where should I go from here? Easter is coming up and this was the first time I met her family. Do I say anything then? I know she doesn't forgive and forget easily as she was hurt bad in her last relationship. I feel that she says she will talk when she's ready, but isn't one to talk about her feelings Would appreciate your advice as your site helped a lot during those couple weeks I fought every minute to not contact her.
Start over again. Don't contact her on Easter. If she contacts you, keep the conversation short and don't talk about anything personal.
Thanks for the advice. One more quick question. When we were together she didn't hang out with many friends. Now all that shows up on my Facebook is she is friends with this guy and that guy that I don't know. I find this weird. Is she meeting new people or is she already looking to move on?
It could be either. No one can say. It shouldn't matter to you though. You should still follow the plan.
Kevin,
If I don't say anything doesn't it show that I don't care? I feel that was an important day for us and she always said I was the one who didn't want to be with her, which obviously is not the case. Her whole family will be there (50 plus) if she tells them all doesn't that kind of make it official and that much harder to come back to me? Last Sunday when I called and didn't get a response she did text my mom back (didn't know she text my ex) on Friday. What do you think of that? My bday is about 2 weeks after Easter is it better to wait to see if she says anything as she's the who who said she will talk when she's ready (3 weeks ago) I have felt a little better, just wanted your thoughts on this. Thanks in advance, much appreciated.
Well, she is going to tell them regardless of you wishing her. And in my opinion, it'll just look like you are looking for an opportunity to talk to her. If you want to wish her, just send her a text and nothing else. If she tries to talk more, tell her you need some space and time right now.
Kevin,
Things are getting much better for me. It has been a little over 3 weeks since we have talked. Im working out a ton and doing my own thing. My best friends fiance asked my ex to get drinks and she said she would like to if her meeting doesnt go late. I feel this is good as they arent the best of friends and is maybe relating her with me? Also, I dediced I would not call or text her on Easter. I sent a card saying "today is an important day. Thinking of you. Talk when you're ready" No response. If she is not ready to meet with my friends fiance or want to talk soon how much longer do you suggest I wait to contact her? One last thing, everytime she sees i'm on Facebook she logs off instantly. What do you think of this? Thanks for the help. Again, much appreciated.
Hey,
I'll recommend that you wait another 3 weeks if she doesn't respond to the card. You shouldn't worry about the facebook thing. It could mean a lot of things and it's not worth analyzing.
Hi Kevin,
I was on a no contact period for 1 month. I focused on myself mostly during this period. I did work out, get a job at last and now I am happy. My ex-girlfriend and I are now friends. We talk nowadays but Im always confident and happy when i talk to her.
We were having our dinner yesterday and she updated on fb that she was having a good time but never tagged me in the post. I got pissed and we had a fight. And then i revealed that i still have feeling for her in the fight. But she still doesnt have and she has moved on. She loves me and trusts me but she is not in love with me. And after the fight she thinks we need space coz i dont seem to have moved on.
What do you suggest Kevin?
Regards,
Aaron Thomas
You showed neediness which turned her off. If you just started dating someone, would you have acted the same way? If someone you just started dating someone and she acted this way, what would your reaction be? It's not very different with your ex. Don't expect her to treat you like her boyfriend or even close friend. She doesn't owe you anything. You should treat her like someone you just start dating. I'll suggest you start the plan all over again.
Hi Kevin,
I need advice from you regarding this problem that I have with my ex-colleague. Lets call him B, he is not my ex, we were never into any relationship, and I have an existing boyfriend whom I was with for 5yrs plus already. I joined my previous company for a year (I left the company already) and got to know of this very nice and helpful colleague. From the day that I joined my previous company, B has been giving me alot of attention and help, that I never experienced before. We were also chatting extensively on Whatsapp two weeks after knowing each other, chatting non-stop(daily for the first 1-2 months from morning progressively until the time before we go to bed eg. 1-2am). He would also ask me often for dinners in the beginning and told me to feel free to ask him out, even inviting me to service with him.
He also told me a lot about God, because my faith wasn’t very strong. Understand that he is looking for a partner who has a strong faith in God. He is single, and never had a girlfriend before.
He was very helpful to me at work, although we are from different division, but he would come to me immediately/as best he could whenever I need any help (through Whatsapp). Eg of his nice gestures includes accompanying me to buy groceries required for work and even offering to carry all the bags, accompany me to buy stationery, coming in to my office just to help me staple my notes, sacrificing his time off hours to help me with some manual work (few times) at another location, waiting with me for my boyfriend to arrive. All these happened in between office hours, or sometimes after work when we stayed back.
At one point, I was very protective over my phone because I mentioned to my friends about him, and he realised that (protective over my phone), and he would playfully snatch my phone, and we even touched each other’s hand. He would play and tease me eg. Switching off lights in the room to scare me and then holding the door to disallow me from going out, swoving my hair to disturb me. He would also term me as a close friend in the beginning when we were messaging. There were some of his Whatsapp which somehow mislead me about feelings for me, and confuses me if he just replied or hinting something.
This goes on until I find myself having feelings for him. I had never had crush on any guy, and the reason I started crushing on him, was because he gave me a very strong feeling that he likes me and due to his niceness, affected me to like him. I would tell him my hardships at work and how much I felt like leaving, he would ask why don’t I, and I just said something was holding me back. Once, we were outside, and I told him even when I got home I would think of the something, and he even pulled on my jacket asking me to tell him who that was.
Eventually one day I cant stand his niceness (I got on train and randomly messaged him telling actually wanted to ask him to wait with me for my boyfriend, and he replied, he would if I asked), that was the point I can’t kept it inside me anymore, and I admitted having feelings for him over Whatsapp. But after I told him, he just told me he actually knew it, and did not have much reaction, and we were as usual, however during conversation he said something rather mean, and I was very angry over it. The next day he waited for me over lunch, kept messaging where I was, I told him to forget it I don’t need any apology, and he insisted that I go to one of the meeting room and he will wait there til I appear, even in the midst, I saw a client looking for him, I told him but he insisted he will still wait for me to appear and apologise to me first. And I had the most sincere apology ever, and I forgave him.
After that we were still close friends, he never kept his distance from me, despite knowing my feelings. In May last year, we were eating, and then he said I need not think about anything else, I can just focus on my boyfriend, and God. I felt angry and after that I sent him a message telling him that no matter how much I like him, I would never leave my boyfriend because he is the one with me through thick and thin, and asked him not to think too much and I will still ask him for help. After that he replied he never think that way, and he replied yes he knows that I will never leave my boyfriend.
In June last year I have a quarrel with my boyfriend’s family and I told my colleagues. He also knew what happened and he kept asking me to move back home and review my relationship. He was very concerned even told me about future what happens if my boyfriend cant accept my depression, buying flat isn’t so easy, then if there is something bad happened my boyfriend is going to blame me) when I just telling him about my problem. Once, he messaged me if im still in office, and I said yes, he said I drop by to visit you and he sat beside me and chatted with me for a quite long time before he headed home.
I told him to treat me nasty so that I can drop my feelings, but he told me he don’t bear to do that. Over the next few months, My feelings for him became deeper and emotionally very dependent on him as he was still treating me nice and helping me out a lot. However due to my sensitivity maybe due to the fact that I confessed I kept feeling things were different in the way he treated me and felt that he was not chatting with me as much, and started blaming him, or question him in Whatsapp (eg. why don’t you ask me for dinner anymore? Why wont you chat with me like last time or why is your reply like “icic”) and when he explained I cant accept and will debate with him over Whatsapp. When we debate initially, he will try to explain his stand (eg. im overall not a talkative person, its normal, so do you expect me to always ask you for dinner? I still come over visit you when im available) these kind of answers. But I find it hard to accept, because he was giving me a lot attention and constantly replying me previously, I kept on having the thought that it must be because I confessed and blamed him, and expecting him to behave the same.
Many times he would ask me to stop talking about this kind of conversation, else it would lead to quarrel, but most of the time I wont stop, or I stop and the next few days I would question him all over again, because I felt it changed, and I want back the same attention, since he insisted it wasn’t because I confessed to him. These went on for several months, he still reply me but he is getting more impatient, and would always ask me to stop whenever I talk about how I feel or the way he is treating me. Slowly he changed our status from close friend to friend. He is still helpful and replied me about matters at work and willing to talk to me. Due to our constant debating on Whatsapp he told me he prefer to talk face-to-face instead, since we always disagree. I decreased the frequency of questioning except messaging about random stuff or asking for help (July last year to October).
Sometime in September last year, when we were out In sports, the rest were much ahead, I squatted down to tie my shoelace he sort of stood in the middle not joining the rest but not too close to me, making it not obvious but he was looking out for me and waiting for me. That period of time we weren’t as close as before already but still on talking terms. He need not do that right since he always don’t want to give me the impression that he likes me.
When I knew that im going to leave the company soon in November last year, and also some of my colleagues who knew that I have feelings for him told me that even if he does likes me, he cant tell me, because he is not supposed to, and also I already have a boyfriend (he is a very devoted Christian). I started thinking over those things he said which mislead me and start asking questions again, because in my mind I just want be sure whether he did have any feelings for me because I never want to miss a chance. Somewhere in august last year onwards, he has been telling me he felt emotionally cringed by me, and felt uncomfortable, emotionally drained. Sometimes over message, he said he felt hurt over what I said of him and then I asked why would he feel hurt if he have no feelings for me, I said im heartpain he said he is too he said he is still a human being with feelings, when asked what type of feelings he said is angry, frustration, heartpain. When I asked him to explain what type of uncomfortable, he said he cant explain. Then I asked is it hate, is it dislike, is it scare, he said no to all, but he replied he don’t know how to explain in my precise level.
Once, im talking to him face to face, and I asked him why just by asking some questions over Whatsapp can he feel so cringed, im not cringing to him physically, and if I did, wont he run? He replied something which surprised me, as if in a way that he replied too quickly, he said if you cringe to me, what if I became soft-hearted, and we develop how? Later on when I get him to explain why would he say something like that if he said he has no interest in me, he kept saying that is just an example, there might be a possibility but its still overall an example. Since October, he has told me he is only willing to go out with me in group, I tried to bargain and being very desperate and persuaded him to change his mind, but he wont. And then in Dec, we went on 1 day trip with co-workers, he is rather cold to me, and abit avoiding, I dare not approach him much but at times when I look at things he will talk to me casually, and then I asked him for a private discussion because he was sitting beside me. So that time I tried asking him to re-consider if he can to make our situation so bad, and if there is a possibility we can still come out alone, he sticked to his principle however at one moment his eyes gave me a look that seemed forced like he almost wanted to give in or really he don’t wish to be like this that kind of look. I stopped asking him about anything after the trip, and did not message him much anymore as I set my heart to stop asking him anything. Except during CNY in Jan this year I sent him a CNY greeting. Somehow I realised he did not appear online totally. Then I found out he actually blocked me. I felt very angry because I already stopped asking him anything over msg, and I asked him and he told me he blocked me is after the trip, but im very angry when why I stopped asking him anything already he had to block me. In Jan this year, I tried to ask him why would he do that, he just told me he had to do that, I tried explaining I already stopped but he did not know because he already blocked me, even pleading him not to do so, because I was devastated, but he would not give in, and insisted he had to do so, and some point he said see how, next he became very firm again. He said he had no confidence that I would not ask him those stuff again, no matter how I promised. And then in March, once he came back office (he relocated elsewhere since Dec last year), I msged him that I need to talk to him, he said a quick one, and asked me what time, then I kept changing my timing a few times, giving reasons (real) as im busy at the moment, the last time I changed was I need to pack something with my colleague and I cant just leave it and go talk to him, it will seem irresponsible. And then he did waited abit, and then before he went off, he actually came into my office, normally he would leaves straight from the other unit, apparently he came in doing nothing much, glanced around abit but not doing so obviously and just said bye to some colleagues who were still around and left (normally he don’t do that). That gave me a feeling he just came in to see if im telling the truth. Another instance was we were seated together for a company meal, he was opposite me across the table. We weren’t really exchanging much eye contact, except one instance I was glancing around with my random stealing quick glares at him. I suddenly noticed that he was looking at me in the eye, and I was certain we had eye contact, when he saw that I saw that he looked at me, still he did not shifted his glance, we locked glance for what was like about 10sec, and I looked away because it was too long, and I was embarrassed. I was quite certain he was looking at me, because behind me also nothing much, no pretty ladies also.
During my last week at my company, he actually appeared twice that week and came on my last day, which I was shocked(normally he seldom comes back after relocation, the most only once every two weeks), it maybe coincidence. I last saw him a company dinner 2-3 weeks ago, and I have since left the company. My ex-colleague who is with him at the relocated office has asked me to visit them and have lunch together, but I have not went down since. I last SMS him asking on 17-March did my colleague who went off with him asked him anything, because we were talking in the meeting room quite loudly, my final asking him if he can don’t made until we cant be friends anymore, the outcome is still the same. Luckily he replied, which I thought he wont, that he just told her he wished me the best, that’s all. My last SMS to him was last Friday, informing him that I would like to treat him and another colleague to a meal, and the following morning he replied”thank you for the treat, sorry but I have to decline your treat”. Then I replied few hours later, asking “why do you hate me so much””I sincerely wanted to treat you and another colleague for your niceness and help, it’s a one time thing, why wont you accept” and he replied that “Because he don’t deserve such treat”, next I took many hours before I replied, sending 2-3 messages asking why, even telling him if not he can pay for it himself, over a span of 1 SMS per day, but no reply anymore. I became very sad and devastated after that, even thinking of killing myself, at the thought of being unable to communicate with him anymore.
I really like him a lot, and he was nice and gave me a lot of emotional support previously, but I did not took that for granted, instead I was being emotional, and kept asking him so many questions, or telling him with how I felt. But I have never once asked him to be together with me once, I also told him that. I just want him to know how hurt I felt, when he downgraded our friendship, or when he stopped chatting with me or when he told me we can only come out in groups. But my intention was never to ask him to be with me, because im still with my boyfriend, I just wanted to know if he had any real feelings for me, or he was hiding, and If I can be sure, I will leave my boyfriend for him because I like him alot. I know im selfish. Im still blocked on his Whatsapp.
I have many questions on mind, is he avoiding me and harsh to me because like what he said (but don’t admit) he is afraid that when I cringed to him, he will fall for me, and he is not supposed to (he suggested many times for me to breakup with my boyfriend/review my relationship when I mentioned about my rs, because I have a boyfriend (but I doubt this is the case but im thinking is there a possibility after his shocking reply on the cringing part), or is he playing mind games? Is he forcing me to leave my boyfriend by ignoring, since I did not leave despite him telling me to leave many times(indirectly by implying on my poor rs)? (Again, it might be me over-thinking) or is it because he really felt cringed and really dislike me and find me irritating and hope that I get out of his life (maybe this more of the case, but I did not question him as much as like I did the initial few months, why did his treatment suddenly turn so harsh in Dec, when I already stopped?). No matter if he likes me or he doesn’t like me (it is not so crucial for me), but I really hope to be in contact with him just as a friend, nothing more. He has made me so devastated due to the state where I think if he were really to totally cut contact with me forever, I would die, with this thought, I wanted to do stupid things to myself, because I still like him a lot. I thought to myself this is already so painful, never would I dare to be with him, because if we were really to go into a rs, if he breakup with me, I would feel so painful and have to go through it again, so I really mean it I don’t intent to be with him, just stay friends forever. I only wish for us to be great friends like before, and will not harbour any feelings on him again, but he never believe me anymore, he told me he don’t have confidence that I will stop asking the last time.
My mind is very lost, I have a few ideas in my mind but I don’t know what to do, pls advise me which alternative should I take? I am holding back, I want to get your opinion before I proceed with any action, because I am really scare I would ruin it again, and he might avoid me totally.
A. I keep fighting the urge to email him a letter and tell him I feel, how depressed I am, and previously a friend of mine was angry with me and ignored me for a year, I told him that too, in our initial chatting, that he is putting me through the same thing. Wanting to tell him with him doing that, I totally unable to move on in life, because of the sadness. But thinking even when I face to face pleaded with him almost to the extent of kneeling down and begging in, he also wont give in and sticked to his stand, and kept insisting that even though he know im suffering, he wont do anything which he is uncomfortable, that is so painful to hear, yet I still cant let go of him, made me think even I write the letter I am not sure if he will compromise abit. I also feel like telling him, I don’t mind him not wanting to meet me yet, not able to unblock me on Whatsapp yet, all I ask is that when sometimes I randomly SMS him casually, he can reply, to make me feel we don’t totally cut contact that’s all. My plan is to let him know that as time goes on, he can really see that im not clinging onto him emotionally just treating him as a friend, and gradually he will accept back our friendship. Im afraid if I emailed him, he don’t reply, my pain will increase a lot, that’s what holding me back.
B. NC with him for several months (how many months should I take?) and try to slowly contact him back. But do you think this will work, will we ever be friends again if I never contact him for few months, or even by doing so, its useless? But even for NC in rs can work, wheareas in my case, its not even a rs, it should work easier right? Or is it harder, since he felt so cringed by me? But its really really very hard to do so, everytime he is on my mind, I hardly can do anything, I am struggling with my life even, im totally obsessed with him. Make myself be a changed person, confident, pretty, and not emotional.
I read every single comment all the NC seems to work, no matter how bad the rs became. Will mine even work, since its not a rs to begin with, and the guy feels so clinged. Sad ;( it seems hopless right?
C. Find a job near where he worked, and occasionally meet my ex-colleagues up for lunch (not sure if he will join), gradually we can be friends, since I don’t think he hate me or afraid of me to that extent, but I wont know since he suddenly (recent few months) became so uncomfortable with me.
Or maybe just meet my ex-colleagues and avoiding him, making sure he wont join, like avoiding him, will that work better?
D. In my most desperate approach, which was what I really felt like doing, whenever I think that we could no longer be in touch again, or forever he wont care about me anymore, I really felt like slashing my wrist, and be warded in the hospital, and inform him, hopefully he will visit me in hospital, and then pleaded with him. I really am very depressed when I think of him ignoring me, and I wish I could tell him, and he would spare a thought for my feelings like he used to.
E. Wait for him off work, and plead with him face to face again, telling him how depressed I feel, crying, how hard I find it to move on, pleaded with him to help me with my emotional state (my colleagues are concerned about me as I have depression and he used to care a lot always, advising me to call depression hotline when previously Im depressed over my boyfriend’s matter). Im afraid it wont work and next time he will totally avoid when he see me near his workplace. He ever told me don’t do the avoid thing when I told him I wanted to avoid him previously when im angry.
I know im lousy, emotional and don’t act decent since I already have a boyfriend, but I did not want to fall for him in the first place, its because my emotional state is very weak. He is the love of my life, I really hope to get him back in contact again, without avoiding me. That’s all I asked.
Pls advise what should I do as I do not wish to take the wrong alternative, and totally spoil any chance of us ever contacting back again, pls help thanks. If you don’t mind, can I send you my Whatsapp conversation with him, so that you can help me analyse? I will cut away those irrelevant portions.
Sorry for such a long post. Look forward to a detailed plan from you to get him back. Thanks Kevin.
Hey,
Boy you weren't kidding when you said your message can be lengthy.
Before I answer, I want to tell you that I just skimmed through the whole thing to just get an idea of your situation. But I did read the part where you mention your options as I think that's really the most important. I hope you understand since I have a lot of comments to answer and if you have more questions you can ask me again.
I'll highly recommend that you choose option B. Apply no contact, at least for two months before getting back in touch with him. I know it wasn't really a relationship but from what I read, you did act needy and desperate. No contact will benefit you just like it does everyone else. The main objective of no contact is to help you accept the breakup and realize that you don't need your ex in your life to be happy. And I think that is the most important thing that you need right now. I will recommend that you keep no contact for as long as necessary to achieve that objective.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your reply and reading the very long post. Sorry i had to type put everything because i need your help to get the full picture, but apparently its kinda hard. The main thing im very concerned is that could there be a possibility that he actually likes me (or has some feelings for me) but is purposely setting a distance between us because he knew that i wont leave my boyfriend, and him being a very devoted christian, will also never reveal feelings or try to snatch other's girlfriend.
Did you read the part i mentioned, asking him if i cling to him how, and he shockingly replied "if you cling to mei became soft-hearted, and we develop how?later on, i kept asking him but he said there is such a possibility, he wont deny that, but what he was stating is just an example. If a guy have no feelings, would he say something impossible? What do you think? I am not a thick skinned girl, somehow i feel he might have feelings because while talking to a colleague seated between us (me left of the colleague him right of the colleague), when the colleague talks, he supposed to be looking at the colleague, but i can feel his eyes attention overshot the colleague and is towards me actually, because i also turning to look at my colleague. (maybe im sensitive) but somehow a girl does have some instinct but there is no sure way to tell.
because i read some comments here that the guy actually loves the girl, but can still end up doing very mean things to her like avoiding her etc. Just dont wish to miss that real love which could have blossomed, but spoil by us unknowingly doing stupid things (me unwilling to leave my boyfriend and kept asking him and find out from any feelings to push him away) and him pushing me away (for fear that we will develop but i have a boyfriend).
Otherwise, if he really have no interest, i just hope that we can remain as good friends (but he sorta cut off personal contact although still reply some sms but not all), and im so depressed, and i dare not find him because i dont wan him to avoid me even further. And also is it possible i can send you our txt conversation for you to help analyse? Thanks for taking the effort to read through once again, you are doing a great job here!
Hey Jacelyn,
Is it possible for you to break up with your boyfriend? If so, do it. Your boyfriend also deserves someone who is 100% devoted to him and you also deserve to be with someone you can be 100% devoted to. After that, he will probably make a move.
Hi Kevin,
So based on what you replied, you think that the guy likes me? But he has told me once when we were angry with each other that he has no interest in me. Please tell me what you think?
Its very hard for me to leave my boyfriend, because we have been together for 5 years plus (longest relationship) and im not young anymore. Although many times i feel like leaving and find a quality love rs. Last year June, i quarreled with his family it got so bad im chased out, and the guy told me many times to move back home and reconsider my relationship with my boyfriend, but i did not, although that time i already liked the guy, i was not prepared to sacrifice my long rs and i cant move back home that time, because i just started moving in with my boyfriend which was my wish for many years, due to my home situation.
My boyfriend is the type who always aloof, and dont communicate much, not loving, that is the way he is from day one, but we were not that bad, we are more of like a companion. Before i joined the company (1 year ago) and getting all busy with the guy, work and my colleagues, we were still alright, he would fetch me, we still get involved sexually, and he still goes alot of places with me, not so bad. Now, practically my boyfriend comes home just playing his iphone and doing his stuff, we are practically individuals doing our stuff, and he do not even approach me at all, its that bad. To the extent he even dislike me touching him, and getting close to him. Not sure if its due to me trying to make him jealous previously by mentioning about the guy.
I dont wish to come to a stage where i lose my boyfriend and lose the guy, without knowing if he have any feelings for me. (thats why i did not breakup with my boyfriend previously even the guy has told me to do so)
Actually now, i only want the guy back as a friend, thats all, because im also not sure if we are suitable to be together, but i do feel a strong friendship previously which could have blossomed into love, if i handled everything well.
Last question, will the relationship rewind be of help to the situation me and my boyfriend are facing? Thanks Kevin.
Hey Jacelyn,
I think relationship rewind can help your current situation with your boyfriend. However, if you want to fix your current relationship with your boyfriend, then I'll suggest you seek couples therapy. It'll be a lot more effective than relationship rewind. As for the other guy, you have to be honest with yourself. Do you want him as a friend? If so, you wouldn't be so desperate to have him in your life. When people lose friends, they don't get as scared as you are right now. I think you want him as a friend just so you can have a possibility of starting a romantic relationship with him sometime in the future.
I guess what I'm saying is, choose someone. Either your boyfriend or the other guy. If you choose your boyfriend, then you should be completely committed to making the relationship work with him. And you should forget about the other guy and cut all contact with him forever.
If you choose the other guy. break up with your current boyfriend. I know it's scary, but that relationship is keeping you from finding happiness in your life. You deserve a quality relationship. You deserve, love respect and admiration. Even if things don't work out with the other guy, you can still find love and happiness.
I don't believe age is a big factor in this day and age. There are so many ways to meet new people in your age group. I can guarantee you that there are a lot of single guys in your age group who are looking for someone like you to love and admire. I know it's scary to be single again after 5 years, but it's definitely going to be better than the situation you are in now.
Hi Kevin,
I know you meant well for me, and really thanks so much for the comprehensive reply. You mentioned that i hope to get the guy back, with the hope of a future relationship, but that wasnt my aim. I read through our previous conversation, he was nice to me throughout, offering me alot of emotional support as a friend, and mentor at work, even after i confessed he was still very nice. But i messed it all up, often being emotional and questioning him and telling him how terrible i feel having to like him, blaming him for being nice which caused me to like him (all these happened many times), yet he still patiently explained to me, slowly setting boundaries. And yes relationships (friendship any kind of close relationship) is very important to me. 2 years back, my long time friend was angry with me not appreciating her effort for introducing job to me, that she totally cut off contact for 1 whole year (she got married and gave birth during that period), i was constantly depressed and guilty. So for the guy, i really felt the same way, and i felt painful because he knew i have depression, in the initial few months, he was the one already giving me emotional support through text, but its ironic now he can totally cut me off and dont care how depressed i feel. The thing is he cut me the time is when i already decided and stopped questioning in Dec, which i really dont understand.
I really find it hard to move on in my life, i just wanted him back as a friend only, i can wait, but i just hope that one day i can chat back with him again like we used to do so, thats all. Im afraid once i moved on, we will distance to such a stage, where if next time i suddenly initiate contact with him it be so odd, as if he will be very cold, then how? If i know for sure that we can still slowly become friends back for sure, if it takes 6months or 1year i dont mind leaving him alone, but what if i contact him back again and he is still cold to me?shouldnt i explain now then to explain 6months later which will be so odd? i feel like asking for him to help me along, because i really have a hard time moving on, especially the rs with my bf now is terrible. What i want is just being able to move on, not have this pain and guilt that a friend befriended me, this type of pain, nothing to do with wanting to be with him.
But im really afraid any wrong move now would spoil my chance of ever getting in contact with him back again. Sometimes, i really feel like cutting myself, and land in hospital due to the emotional pain im going through, no matter how i put if off it comes back to me after sometime, but these few days im not so sad, i wonder why is it being i got over, but the pain is still there i knew it somewhere in my heart, just not that sad anymore.
As for my boyfriend, its terrible too, he is like shutting down on me. Sometimes i really wish like leaving him, but i knew i cant do it, because i the type of emotional cant let go kind, even though last time my ex physically abused me i have a hard time to leave him. my brain tells me to leave him, but my heart cant do so. Other than asking me to living room to eat dinner he is totally ignoring me. I read about the types of love style (something called insecure avoidant?i cant recall exactly), where they fulfil their own emotional needs (due to the way they are brought up) and cant understand others emotional needs. He is exactly this type. No matter how i asked like was he angry with something, why wont he talk to me, why cant we be like last time, he just wont reply me, he just go about using his iphone (his daily tasks) everyday when he knock off from work. last time he would go every where with me, if i wanted, and be more responsive. Im really afraid he is throwing our rs away. I am really tired. I really feel like going back home and totally ignore him for 1 month, do you think this will make him open up to me again?
The previous time i went back (we were not so bad state now) home for 1-2 days, he even wanted to go over to look for, and then i told him no need.At that time, i still have the guy as a close friend (which he always telling me to move back home), and my boyfriend concern. Now i totally feel like i lost both, which makes me feel more painful.
I just want to move on but what the both of them is treating me is making me emotional painful, i cant move on in my life. what should i do?
Hey,
If you really want him as a friend, then you should give him some space (at least 2-3 months) and then get back in touch with him. I am pretty sure he will accept your friendship and would get back in touch with you. As for your boyfriend, I don't think you can do anything unless he is ready to put in some effort. Did you talk to him about getting couples counseling? If he still refuses, tell him what you expect from him and what you need in the relationship and if he can't provide you with that then you will leave him. If he still doesn't make any effort, then apply no contact.
And also to add, i just want a loving boyfriend, and to be platonic friends with the guy again (i dare not think of being together with him, although i like him alot, i dont think i am the type he wants so i never ever harbour much ever).
Kevin, can i also ask if love spells really works, as i read alot of people posting such when i read articles on relationships.
You know when i am browsing facebook, i see everyone leading happy lifes, almost everyone around me, even my ex-colleagues. How i wish i have a happy life like that, if situation allows, i wouldnt want to be depressed.
But it seems like everytime people just get angry with me or dislike me, i hate that too. Do you think the guy is angry with me?
I read also sometimes there is a reason that they block someone, is there feelings involved, thats why need to block? Im being blocked on his Whatsapp. Do you think if i go over to lead a happy life, and leave him alone, many months down the road we can connect back? But he ever told me, no he will only meet out in groups (that doesnt really matter so much now) but i just hope we still can connect back slowly as a friend through text, even not meeting out im fine. Like i say, i just want the friendship back, like my friend. I think he is alright to meet out in group, with my ex-colleagues, i am supposed to meet them up for lunch but have not done so.
Pls tell me what should i do? Do you think it can be done if i go and find him together with my another female colleague (we are quite close and she knows about my liking, but she told me what he did is right ;( ) and tell them my problem ask them to help? if not i really cant move on feeling sad.
But he ever told me this, even though he knows im feeling sad, but he would not do anything to oblige his uncomfortableness. Thinking of this really hurts, which makes me have the thought to hurt myself. I know he is really not worth it, but its like a curse that i cant get out of, due to the great amount of emotional support he given me over the months. i know for my case its transference of feelings, and i read it can be very strong. if i go the extend of begging will that help? I just want us slowly to connect back(of course i dare not emotionally bombard him again), i dont need him to meet me or immediately be my friend.How can i achieve that?
Is it harder for relationship or in my case when i totally (piss?scare? he said no to both, he just said uncomfortable) made him feel so emotionally clinged (this what he said?). Remember he said "if you clinge to me, and if im soft hearted, and we develop?) sometimes i still think why would he said that? does it mean if i go look for him alot he will soft hearted? But he has blocked me since dec and still blocking me. I only normal sms him (in early april) to treat him, but he declined (first sms), state that he did not deserve (second sms), sequently smsed him why he dont deserve no reply to my next few msg, and then i stopped.
im thinking should i really harm myself (i know you would advise against this) but i would do it, if it can stir any bit of feelings or pityness from him. Because he really did felt for me in the start, why did things turn so bad?
He even went to googled to read on depression, and when i told about my sadness, he said he understand i asked why, he said because he put himself in my shoe. a really very close friend, nobody has done that to me.
Hey Jacelyn,
I know you feel like you can't be happy without him, but the only way to have him back in your life is to be happy without him. You need to apply no contact and start making positive changes in your life. Take one small step at a time. Pick up a new hobby, start going to the gym, go out with friends etc. Do something everyday to make you feel better. And eventually, you will realize that you have become a happy person. If you are open to it, I think individual therapy will help you as well. Just going and talking to a therapist about your feelings and seeking advise from them will help you reach happiness in your life.
And no love spells don't work. Don't waste your time and money on them.
Sorry left out this, do you think its better i write him a apology letter now and then leave him alone for few months, or do i do that after 3 months of NC?
For my friend, i also sent her a apology letter one year later (stating that i have depression and i dont meant to treat her that way), which i thought she might have forgave me if i done so earlier. But for the guy its not so easy, because i have tried while i was still in my ex-company (jan-march) a few times face to face asking him not to block me, and not making things turn until like this, even telling him i would kneel down, but he said even if i knelt down its still the same. So hurt! but he said we still can meet up in groups, and i said its not so easy anymore, since i would have left the company, and he said its me that always think that, but its still can be done.He just dont wish to meet on 1-to-1, or personal level. So hurt! i kept explaining that although i like him, but i have never done anything to him, except telling him my feelings, and asking him for talks. And i already stopped before he blocked me on Whatsapp in dec. Is it really gone case?He seems to really dislike me but he said not that when i asked.
I'll recommend you write the apology letter after you've learned to be happy without him in your life.
Hi Kevin,
It’s now just over 2 weeks since I sent Vic my letter letting her know about my divorce.
This was it;
Hi Vic,
Hope you are doing okay.
I know this letter doesn't fix what's broken between us, and maybe it never will.
But I know I made some mistakes during our relationship, and I want to take full responsibility for those. I also want you to know that I’m sorry for acting the way I did after we split up and I apologise that I hurt you.
On a different note, my Divorce Absolute has been granted so things are starting to look up.
I hope Luca is still doing well at school and with his footie. Please give him my love.
Take care of yourself.
Keith
XX
My house has now just sold and that was the main problem she had more than the divorce. She was scared in case I loved the house that much I could never let it go and that’s why she split up to avoid carrying on then possibly getting hurt in the future.
Should I give her more time to let her get to terms with the fact that I’m now divorced or should I let her know about the house now? If I should let her know what is the best way to go about it bearing in mind her barriers are still up?
I had thought about sending her son Luca all my garden bird feeders which I used to have in my garden and a note saying I hope he can use and enjoy them as I don’t have a garden anymore. Vic will obviously read the note and will know that this means the house is sold but don’t know whether this is a good idea.
Can you help Kevin?
Thanks so much.
Hey Keith,
I think you should contact her using texts(the one mentioned in the article). If she responds and you have a text conversation, you can bring up the house during the conversation. Don't talk about getting back together or show any neediness.
If she doesn't respond to your text or is extremely cold, then send her the bird feeders.
Hi Kevin,
My ex girlfriend broke up with me month ago. We are high school sweet heart. She was my bestfriend and I am her too. We lived together for 3 years and half. all those years we are together were the happiest moment of my life. She Broke up with me because she was tired of hoping that i will be open to her. that was the main issue communication. I admit its hard for me to share how i feel to her especially if i have problem, but it doesn't mean that i dont love her. I love her so much. God knows i tried to share how i feel to her. until one day her mother told me that i just used her daughter that i don't really love her daughter and i was shocked. I didn't know where that came from. So i let my girlfriend know ( i texted her because at that time she was in another country for training) she said we will talk about the issue when she came back. but when she came back we never talked about it. I waited for her to initiate the talk. for almost 3 weeks we were cold to each other. we really dont speak that much. then when the day came, she said she dont wanna invest in the relationship anymore. she said she was tired of me. I was really hurt, I apologized for my mistake and asked if we could work it out together. she dont want me to move out but I i thought moving out was the right thing to do because how could i stay if i know we dont have anymore relationship? it would just break me apart and maybe it will just destroyed what we had. was it the right thing to do kevin to moved out? We cried, I cried a lot. I was so afraid being alone coz i dont have any family here, my family is in onother country. She said she still love me and she just need time and space. she said we must give our relationship a time. when i moved out it was really hard even until now. I was so desperate and afraid that she would forget me. I went to her work, texted her if she could give me another chance.. but she didn't. the last time i saw her was two weeks ago. she said she still love me,she also said she still hoping that we will be back together again in time and that she has a faith on us. but its hard to believe that because her actions is really opposite to what she said. Its been 3 weeks now that i didn't hear from her. she unfriend me in facebook (but she didnt unblock me) erased our pictures together. It's been a week that i texted her that i already accepted the break up. even it hurt so much i am trying to move on. I always think of her. there is a part of me saying i need to wait and have faith in us but there is also a part of me saying i need to let go. she send all my things through her cousin to my place. and she wanted me to change my address. I really dont know what to do kevin. I love this girl more than anything in this world. DO I STILL NEED TO WAIT AND HOPE? OR SHALL I MOVE ON AND LET HER GO? DO YOU THINK I STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT? DOES SHE STILL LOVE ME?
thank you. hope to hear from you.
Brandon
Hey Brandon,
Like I said in the comment over here, I do think you have a chance and it's worth giving it a shot. If the plan doesn't work, you can be sure you don't have a future and move on.
Hi kevin. I am already on my 3rd weel of NC. I feel a little bit better now compared before. I came to accept the fact if she wants to come back to me she would but if not then so be it. I am focusing now on myself, but sometimes i still think about
her and miss her. her birthday is on the 30th April. shall i send her a birthday greeting on her email?
Thank you in advance.
Yes, but keep it short.
Hi Kevin,
What if your girlfriend broke up with you, due to her depression? We broke up 2 months ago, would have contact every now and then, mostly by text, but it would always go back to an emotional argument. Then I realized my mistakes in the relationship and told her that and appologized. I was caught up in my own stresses that I didn't realize I wasn't paying enough attention to her and so I think her feeling neglected is what triggered her depression. Then everything else in her life was suddenly wrong, she can't handle being near me, she now has insomnia, basically her mind is completely messing with her., making her question everything. She feels numb and so unsure of everything. We were great for about 14 months of living together and not so great for 3 months. She struggled to end it with me, first saying she needs space, then a break, then a break up. She moved in with a friend 2 months ago. She refuses to see a doctor about her depression, but even I have suffered from it, so I know over time she will come out of this episode naturally. Does the plan apply to a relationship that suffered because of this?? I can't logically imagine spending so many great months making memories with someone to be something they couldn't realize after the depression lifts. She says she needs zero contact and isolation, basically from everyone, so I know I don't have a choice, but do you think it could still work for someone like her?
Yes, I think there is a chance it will work. Although, you really can't do anything unless she comes out of her depression. I also replied to you here.
Hi Keven! So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and 7 months. Things were perfect, we never had big fights, we argued a little sometimes but it's normal. Since this september, school started and he started to work so we didn't see each other during the day, so we decided to sleep together everynight. Since then, it was like we were living together, one night we slept at his house and the other night we were at mine. We still never have big fights, everything was doing great. Until he told me, a week ago, that his feelings have changed. He told me what he didn't like about our relationship, what he wanted us to change. He told me that he started to have memories with his ex, that he dated for 8 months. (apparently they were always arguing and their relationship never worked out). I asked him if he could delete him from facebook so he won't see her pictures and stuff. He did it. He told me that he didnt miss her or want to go back with her, he even told this to his friend. He told me that he didn't see himself without me and that i was the most beautiful thing that happened to him.I gave him some space, we didnt talk for a day. Then, we texted each other and it was perfect like before. He was giving me some affection and attention that a guy wouldn't do if he didn't love me. When we were having sex it was perfect and he told me that he love me and stuff... then on wednesday, he came at my house after school to tell me `` i think i am the problem ``. He didn't know if he loved me or not, so we decided to take a little break. I was texting him long message that night. but the other day i didnt texted him, he texted me during the night but i only responded the morning. He wanted us to talk. I was sooo stressed to know what he was going to say to me... on friday night, i saw that he was snapchatting his ex, so i was soo pissed and it hurted my feelings because i told him to delete her from facebook it's not for nothing! He didnt understand why I was this pissed because he told me that they were just talking about little things nothing serious. He then stopped to talk to her. (she started talkimg to him on wednesday that he told me). Then on sunday we saw eachother, he told me how much he loved me, how much i was beautiful. sex was perfect. I really felt like he missed me... the other day we were together he was cute too and it was like usual. We slept at my house, we watched a movie he wanted to watch so I made him happy. The next day, he had to go at his house and it is where everything changed. He didnt text me, he was being weird. I told him that i was worried and after what happenned i needed him to tell me things like ``i love you you dont need to worry about anything``. He told me that he was tired, so he didnt say anything. The other day, he acted normal he told me he loved me and stufff... then bam, i called him after school and he told me on the phone that we were done. He was so weird, he told me this so fast. So the next day he came to my house and we talked about it. I was pissed because I saw that he was snapchatting his ex. He told me that he loves his ex.... I then told him why he acted like he loved me? and he told me he forced himself and that he didnt wanna hurt my feelings. I told him that i knew when something wasnt going right and that he wouldnt of told me he loved me and didnt cuddle me like usual if he was forcing himself... So we broke up on wednesday. His mom was texting me to know how I was doing. Her mom told me that they all didnt understand why he did this, and they know that it is not the right decision. They know that i would take care of him not like his ex. Her mom told him that she wasnt the welcome at their house. They hope he will realise that it is not the right decision... My bf (ex now) told them to let him do his own mistakes.... I heard at school that apparently they were seeing eachother yesterday night. Right now, I cry sometimes but i am more pissed at him. I dont always have the urge for him to text me or me to text him. I just don't know why he did this to me, what heis thinking in his head.. Everyone doesnt understand because it was like he was very inlove with me.. I dont know what to think, that he still love me and it is beccause of her that he broke up with me. I would want to know if he is sad right now, if he misses me, i would want to know if him and his ex doesnt work out if he would come back... I am not texting him or anything. I know how much he loved me, i dont even realise it is real, i feel like he will come back because i wouldnt understand if he wouldnt miss me... I heard that his ex was very jealous and possesive, even with her last boyfriend. She was in a 10 months relatiomship and it ended 2 weeks ago... I want to forget about him, but i have so many questions, i would want to know that if his ex wouldnt be there if he would of stayed... i just hope it wont work out or he will miss me... idont know what to think :( I dont even know how he could move on from our relationship so fast, because he loved me a lot... and we've been together for a long time so everything will make him think of me.. Do you think there are chances of him coming back? And by the way, sorry for my bad english I am french.
Hey,
I think he does miss you and he is sad about the breakup. You two did have something special and probably deep down inside, he also knows he is making a mistake. If his relationship doesn't work out (and chances are it won't), he will most probably come back. But you should apply no contact and learn to be happy without him. You have to learn to stop obsessing over him and realize even if he doesn't come back, you are going to have a happy and fulfilling life.
Hey, it's me again. I have a lot of questions in my head and I know that because of that, I won't be able to move on. His mom called me yesterday to talk about everything and she wanted to know if I was ok. She told me that everyone in the family are sad, because they know that it is not the right decision and they knew I was a good girl for his son. Her mom told me that everytime she tries to talk to my ex, he gets frustated.. they don't recognize him. He's mad because her mom doesn't accept his decision... Today I went to school and I saw her having his shirt, and I keep going on snapchat and I see that he keeps snapchatting with her... I know that it is normal because right now their relationship must be good and he thinks that it's the right decision... but I keep asking myself if he will come back. I am not contacting him, and I am trying to get over him. Her mom told me that she told him that it's the 3rd time that they will get back together and she told him that it couldn't work if it didn't worked out before. She told me that when he was with her he felt like he was the only one making efforts for them to work, and that he was very heartbreaking when they broke up... It's like if he told himself that because his ex comes back, he is telling himself that maybe it'll work out because she is the one coming back... I am hurt, I never knew he would do this to me, no one understands. It's like if those two years were for nothing (I know that I will learn something from that), but he was so in love with me, I don't understand why he is doing this, he doesn't even seem to care... Her mom told me that she is manipulating him....
You are an eye opener... thank you so much..... will never forget this...
You're welcome Anu. I am glad it helped.
So myself and this girl got together beginning of this year,she is 23 and I will be next month.
We had a few emotional rollercoasters,due to not knowing
How the other feels about the situation.
I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend she said yes.
We had a arguement in the week.I repremanded her on something
She did..long story short,it lead to her telling me
That she is not planning on giving me false hope in this,relationship.
And that she has been the heart broken girl before and she is
Not going down that road again.
She said she does not know what to do from here.I eventually got her apologise,I accepted the apology and said thank you.
she said you welcome.I did not reply after two days.I greetd her and like wise.I said I though about what we spoke about and whether she did too?
She still hasn't reply since.
I've decided to ignore her from here on in?.we not that long together,would ignoring her now,be a smart move?.
Cause I'm confuse about it all.Is she insecure or just plaing me??.
She is afraid of commitment. Apply no contact. If she contacts you, tell her you both need space and time and continue with the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I have been broken up with about six weeks ago, we've been together on and off for almost nine years, we don't have kids together but I do have two kids from a previous relationship that are quite attached to him, especially my youngest who has been asking for him for quite a bit these days. He said that I was in need of time that he couldn't give me because he wanted to focus on stabilizing himself to have a better life.I thought that I could handle not having him around very much but I guess that I didn't.When he left this last time I did send him an email and a couple of text messages but then I went quiet. After about two weeks he responded and told me things like not to apologize for anything and that maybe someone else could give me what I needed. I did respond to that email telling him that that was not what I wanted, I wanted to work things out with him. That was almost three weeks ago, he didn't respond. About a week ago he called and I missed the call, when checking my phone I realized that I had accidentally called him, but I only saw that after I had called him back (he didn't pick up). So I just sent him a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I stayed quiet after that. Today I sent him another text just to tell his mom happy birthday for me, I lost her number, he didn't respond to my request at all. Should I have not said anything? His birthday is at the end of the month should I not say anything then?
A couple of years ago when we broke up for a couple of months I followed this process I stayed quiet, then I wrote an email like the one you suggested. We did end up back together so the process works but will it work this time especially since I've done it before? I just want to know how I should do things from here has accidentally contacting him then doing it again, has that set me back? I'm a letter and email writer by nature, I written him love noes and apology letters a few times over the years, so does that mean that my letter could possibly be less effective???...
Please help!
I think it might work again. It's worth trying. I'll suggest you start no contact again for one or two months and then use it. I don't think letters will be less effective. Just keep the letter short this time and don't talk about getting back together.
Kevin
I met a married man. Just happened. We were together 8 times over 4 months. We broke up several times because we felt that what we were doing wasn't right. We tried to be friend. It didn't work. Last time, we met, he said he would leave his wife if he didn't have kids. So I said it was enough and not to contact me again. He agreed. It's been two weeks. It is hard. What should I do ? I know this is a different scenario than having an ex... for me, it is now the no contact rule... For ever ?
I guess. Unless he decides himself to get a divorce, you can't do anything.
Dear Kevin,
I was dating a guy (23 years old) from March till February (11 months). He was my first guy.
I didn't like him firstly, because basically he was not a good guy - disrespectful, liar, very childish, arrogant, jealous, poor, irresponsible, used some very strong drugs in the past (heroine), weak mentally and having some psychological problems. (Nevertheless he is talented and clever and is graduating from a medical university next year). But with me he changed a lot because he crazily fell in love with me, wanted to marry me and step by step was changing a lot for me. Started paying for me, bringing me flowers and chocolates each time, found a job, refused to go partying with friends for me. Even his friends were shocked by such a change, saying they never ever saw him like that before.
I found out that he cheated on me on 2d and 4th month of our dating. But he was so sorry, saying he felt so sad that we fought, so he went to these girls to feel better. I forgave him but after that I became IMPOSSIBLE. Even though he was doing nothing bad after, I stopped trusting him, was making scandals out of nowhere, crying all the time. Moreover I was comparing myself and his exs al the time. If he brought me a present, firstly I was happy, but was starting shouting, that he did that to her as well. We had fights every day.
So in november he dumped me, but after a week he came back saying his life is empty without me, and he can't live without me. I took him back.
This february, he broke up with me again, because 'his sister, his family and friends tell him that he deserves someone much better than me', that' I am controlling him too much, and he wants to drink and have fun and do whatever he wants, and he is tired of fighting and that I am so disrespectful towards him and that he is always hurt by me.'
I persuaded him not to do it, next day was Valentine's day, he brought me flowers, nice postcard, took me to a nice place. But after we stayed together 3 more days, and he was sooooo disrespectful with me and irritated by me, treating me like a dog, shouting, so that finally I had nothing but to say 'we need a break'. After 4 days I saw him in a club, very sad. So I came to him, hugged him, saying 'come on, lets get together, it was just a small break'. But he behaved very arrogant, saying in front of everyone, that he feels much better without me, that we tried for one year, nothing will work, and other awful things, blowed cigaret smoke into my face. 30 min later he saw me talking with a guy and approached me 2 times trying to pull away from that guy. But I told him"you just 30 min ago told me 'its over' and humiliated me in from of your friends. So what do you want from me now? Go away".
Next day he deleted 100 pictures of us from instagram and I wrote him a message stating 'I don't want to see you and to hear you ever in my life anymore, don't you ever try to contact me in anyway, it is over!" So he deleted the rest of our pics everywhere including Facebook, and BLOCKED me everywhere.
I was dying after, wanted to write him, that 'I understood my mistakes, that I will not make crisis anymore, will be easier, not fighting, not talking about the past, not controlling him, appreciating even the smallest things from him, praising him more, etc'. But all my friends were telling me not to do it, not to write to him, though I felt that only this can help.
A month passed, I haven't contacted him in anyway, when I saw him somewhere, I didn't approach him. But at the last party I saw him with a girl, her appearance was totally opposite to mine (I am tall, very beautiful brunette, she is small, tiny, ordinary blonde). When he saw that i saw them together, he took her very carefully by shoulder as if trying to protect her from me, and took her to another place. 2 hours later I saw them again, passionately kissing in the corner. touching each other. He saw that I saw them, and he went away with her again. Is he really in love with her and trying to hide her from me?
It freaks me out he is not posting pictures on IG or FB, not event trying to make me angry or jealous, and hiding his life...
In 5 days it will be exactly 2 months since we have last spoke to each other. I so want to write to him. But I am afraid. If he didn't contact me during this time. he might have moved on and living a happy life without me. Because previously it was no problem to him to approach me through any means. to write 300 messages if I were mad at him and so on. So now if i contact him he will just hurt me, saying fuck off, or that he is happy with his new girlfriend (if he has one).
I feel so guilty I killed his love to me with my constant fights and distrust to him and didn't do my best to save this relationships.
Help me. Kevin, what should I do?((
You should contact him. Use the letter mentioned in the article. And then contact him using text messages. When you contact him, don't tell him to get back together. Let it be his idea.
Hi Kevin,
my name is Tony and I'm 19 I've recently broken up with my girlfriend Andrea who's 16! We've know each other for like 10 years! and after 5 months of dating, I sent a stupid message to her! I've pushed her love away and I've sent like 100 messages saying I'm sorry and that I love her which is a mistake! I think I'm pushing her away by messaging her a lot! I just want her back! How long before I send a message to her?
Hey Tony,
You should wait 30 days.
Good afternoon!
I sent you emails at the end of march. So you should know or be able to look at the back story.
March 29th we did get back together I was so happy
He invited me over and kissed me well things got a little heated and stopped him. I told him that i respect myself too much and we need to talk and fix things before anything like this would happen. So we talked and everything was fine.
The week went fine. but he seemed distant. So i adressed it and he said he just needs time . I told him I dont expect him to swing his door open but since im working on things he should open up slowly (though if u look at my prior post its not like i even did anything horrible!)
Saturday we went to the beach and had a great day
Sunday i left in the afternoon to do some work we talked that night.
Monday no contact; Tuesday…no contact so Wed I sent him a sweet photo a sexy photo and i loveyou have a great day! within about an hour range.
STILL NOTHING
IDK why. Does he want his “space again” is he going to break up again? I dont get it I think a few texts after three days is ok.
He still has not contacted me….
Please help. I want him to chase me. I am a probably too sweet gf. I cook, clean, go up and beyond and love 100%….
It's hard to say what's going on with him. I think the only thing you can do right now is give him more space and don't message him again for at least another week.
Hey Kevin,
So it's my birthday on Saturday and my ex texted me yesterday to wish me an early happy birthday since he is going out of town for the weekend. I am feeling pretty good and no contact would have been over in a few days so I decided to text him back and ask how he was doing. He called me right away and we talked and it was pretty good, except he kept asking me if I am still in love with him, which was annoying but I explained that I agreed with the break up and I'm sorry for all my neediness. I can tell that he think nothing has changed and that I'm still the same. He said he still loves me a lot and that if I were to love there he would date me again. But anyways, we talked all day and it was good but when night rolled around we basically slept together over Skype. I panicked and I just went with it but I told him afterwards that it wasn't going to happen again and we are not that kind of friends. Do you think I ruined my chances ?
No, I don't think you ruined your chances. I think he will be contacting you again, but take things slowly and let him chase you for a while.
I got your message back a little late, yesterday I sent him old pictures of our conversations from when we started dating with a "haha these are so funny, so long ago" type of message. He was very unresponsive and a bit cold. He put "lol" and when I asked how his trip was he said good and I said thats good and he never answered me back. I dont know what changed. Should I just give him a few days and see if he contacts me?
Yes, you should back off for a while.
Hey Kevin,
It's been about three days since my ex and I last talked, and I feel like something is wrong. He would have contacted me by now if he wanted to talk. I'm very confused. Do you have any ideas why something may have changed? If he doesn't contact me, should I text him? I would wait until it's been a week before I did that obviously, but if I should text him what should I say?
If you haven't used the texts in the article till now, use them.
Hey there,
So my story is, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months. And we just broke up 3 days ago. The reason we broke up, is because last month he started going out to night clubs, and one night picked up a girl. They apparently exchanged numbers and started talking and seeing each other more often over a one month period. Things started to get into a mess, and I've been knowing that he has been contacting her for a while now. But just two weeks ago, she started coming to sleepover at his dormitory every night, I knew because we live in the same building, just different rooms, and saw the girl going to his room every night. Then 3 days ago, we three, the girl, my boyfriend and I met up to talk about how things are going to be handled. I told him to decide between me and her. He eventually chose her, and said that he "just wants to have fun, as she could offer him something i can't (that is a sexual relationship." And said that he doesn't want to hurt me any more.
But before she came into his life, things were going so well. I know hes not gonna be serious with the girl. So what should I do? I've been in no contact with him since the breakup, but next week there's gonna be a festival held in town for 3 days and our family, which are very close, are going to meet up and I will, with no doubt, encounter him. What should I do in this situation?
And do you think I would have a chance to getting him back?
Thanks!
Just be cordial and have fun. Treat him like an acquaintance, don’t talk about the relationship and keep the conversations short (less than 5 minutes).
I do think you have a chance, but you should use this time to explore your options and learn more about yourself. You are young, and so is he. He is not ready for a commitment and even if you do get him back, there is no guarantee he will be ready to commit and/or he won't leave you for some other girl. I'll suggest you keep no contact for 5-6 months, start dating during this time and learn to be happy in your life without him.
Hey, so I was at the festival yesterday, and apparently he accompanied me to the restroom, so we were alone for like 10 minutes. And then he suddenly kissed me out of the blue, and said he still loved me and asked if we could continue as "best friends," and when he's ready he might come back. That's what he said, but as of now, he said he's not ready to commit himself to anyone. And I know with my heart, that I obviously could not keep it as "friends," because of my feelings. What should I do?
And also, I was facebook messaging with my ex-ex boyfriend named Chris, the one before him, and he saw my phone screen, and asked "Oh, you're back talking to your ex?" And I said"yeah" and kept messaging, and then he suddenly pulled my phone away. And also, after that, I was taking pictures of the festival and sending them to Chris, and he saw and again asked"Why are you sending photos to Chris? What's going on between you guys?" What do his actions mean? Was he getting jealous?
And, I can keep the no contact for 5-6 months, but I will be going abroad this July for my studies for 2 years...... So I should still keep the no contact for 5-6 months right?
Thanks!
Yes, he was jealous. You should tell him you need time and space and perhaps you can be friends sometime in the future. If you think you need no contact for 5-6 months, then you should. If you want to move on (which I'll recommend since you are going abroad for studies and LDR with him is going to be extremely hard), then you should continue no contact indefinitely.
Thank you so much , Kevin for your advice~ I really appreciate it, and I think I will do the no contact for 5-6 months, and then may be later decide whether or not I should move on when the time comes. I will surely need your advice again in the near future ! Thanks ! :)
Hey Kevin
Ive been dating this girl for 5 months and we have recently broken up cause I sent a mean message to her saying "Talk to me now or never again"! Let me explain on why I sent that message. It was on a Monday night, I was visiting with her and she gets invited out to dinner with one of her friends, I said she could go, ill watch tv until she returns! She returns and she asks her mother if she can go to her friends house and stay, and her mother said no, your boyfriend is here! she looks at me and says well he can go home so I can go to my friends house! I thought it was rude for her to say that! so the next morning I send her friend a text saying " Tell my girlfriend to check her FB messages ASAP and her friend said my Girlfriend will check it ASAP! that was at 2:25, at 9:30, I was pissed and then I sent that mean message saying talk to me now or never again! She broke up with me after reading that message, it was a huge mistake in sending the message! What should I do now? I miss you her! We could still be together today but I overreacted and now I pushed her love away! and she wont talk to me!
Hello, I am 24, he is 23. We have been with each other for 7 years since high school. My boy friend broke up with me three weeks ago. Things between us getting very well before the end of the new year of 2014. I have been working for 1 year and he would be graduate from college this year. One month ago, he went on some job interviews but all failed. He faced with the job, final thesis pressure. And I popped up the marriage issue, he said he was not ready for marriage and asked me to wait for him for another 5 years but I gave him 3 years top. He seriously asked me to find someone better and did not want to waste my youth. We had fight but settle later because I love him and I was willing to wait for him. His cellphone was broken and he said he would call me after his cellphone is repaired. Three weeks later, he suddenly broke up with me over message. He said he got no feelings for me and already fell in love with another women half year ago. He cancel all my sns, I text him and called him crazily ( which now I realized I was doing them all wrong), I finally asked him out, but all he said was he got no feelings for me, we are never getting back. And I was all tears. After all my begging, he said we could still be friends and he add me again on sns. When we left, I beg him for one last kiss, he kissed me and I was all tears. The first few days after we broke up, I still text him and he would reply. He said he was in low emotion. I felt him still care about me then I started telling him how much I love him and I can not live without him ( which now I also realize I was terribly doing wrong). He said thank you for my love but he has another girl friend now, we can not keep doing this. Then he started to ignore my message or rely me just sometimes. I have tried to contact him every two or three days. We both want to buy the XiaoMi smartphone that we had conversation again. But he still ignore me when I talked something caring about him. He got a job this week, but he had to work day and night and would be very business. I text him about the xiaomi smartphone, then he told me he went on another interview but failed, that he felt frustrated, tired and he lost his confidence. I encouraged him and reminded him how great he was he thank me. I text him again caring about his career he said he was very busy yesterday. And I told him to work hard and sent him no more message.
Please give me some advice now, I felt so happy that he actually told me his feeling on his job. But it seems that he started to ignore me again. Not sure whether it is because he is too busy. What should I do now? Should I still apply the no contact rule? Or just text him and give him some encouragement every several days?
Before ever reading this I had initiated a form of no contact.
I'm 25 and so is my ex. We've known each other for 5 years from college. Lost touch about 2 1/2 years ago and began talking again about 8 months ago. He initiated contact and told me he had always been interested when we knew each other before. I also had been interested even before he was, but never said anything, so I was THRILLED. So we were pretty much immediately viewing each other romantically. Sadly it is long distance. Like 1500mile, Texas to Ohio, long distance. Plus, we are both deeply connected to our communities. I'm willing to move, but implied I didn't want to for a year or two so I would be in a good position to sell my growing business. It would be a big financial sacrifice to move sooner than that. I had a plan on how to work all that out, but never shared that either, I tend to give more in relationships than the people I had dated, and wanted to see what he was willing to do to be with me.
Anyways, one day, out of the blue, he told me he met a local girl last week who he wanted to get to know. HUGE Shock. He had mentioned briefly a few times how he was wrestling with the distance. Anyways... I exploded inside, but fought instinct. I told him simply, "Thank you for telling me, even though it hurt, and that I wanted the best for him and if the best was at his fingertips than go for it. "
I followed up about 4 hrs later with a message expressing how much respect I have for him as an individual and how I cared for him and had hoped we would have more of a future, but that I will put those feelings to rest. I gave him well wishes on the dreams he shared with me, a few tender thoughts and then told him simply goodbye. [no reply]
I grieved and cried a few days and had no contact with him, and went on a date with another nice guy (no fireworks, but pleasant). But I remained facebook friends with my ex. 3 weeks later, he sends me a message concerning my latest post about my business growth, and that he was happy for me and wanted to learn more.
I replied thanks, that I didn't have time to talk (which was true) and kept it very brief.
So I totally want to get back with him, and he is truly an amazing guy and that is saying something for the high standards I have. But have no idea where to go from here. I want him to prove to me he's not going to bail when the distance is getting to him, or when a cute girl flirts with him (he is attractive). How does that happen?
I don't think I can be "just friends" emotionally. And don't even want to try... I want to tell him that, but I'm guessing that's risky. Cause I pretty much want all or nothing... I don't want to be toyed with and left hanging as his back-up plan (as I have been in the past because I didn't know any better)
Any Advice???
Becka, if you do end up getting back together, how long is the long distance going to last? Do you see each other living in the same town anytime in the future? Long distance relationships are hard but the only ones that survive are the ones where you know when the distance is going to end.
As for him, I guess what you are doing right now is the best thing you can do. Kudos to you for handling the breakup so gracefully. I think you should let him contact you and let him realize on his own what he is missing.
Hi Kevin,
I wish I could had found your website earlier because i really think things would had been different by now. We were seeing each other for about 1 year and I was her first boyfriend.
1. We broke up about 5 months ago and we were still in contact for about a month by texts, she texted me everyday something like "how are you?" or"what are you doing now?" Nothing special, lasted about a month and things started to go real bad.
2. There was this one day I got drunk and I texted her the things I wasn't suppose to say. Something like I was nice to you, and I felt like I was being used blah blah blah. And she was like I believed you and now I totally look down on you. I can tell she was mad and totally felt disappointed in me or what we had.
3. We didnt contact until 2 months ago valentine's day. I texted her my greetings and she wished me well. Then I asked if i can get my house keys back without meeting her and deliver by the doorman. (I was going away for business trip). She started to make all kinds of excuses like she's busy or something, but from what I know she's mostly home studying, doesn't go out and she doesnt have friends to hang out with only chats on internet. I couldn't think of a reason why she refuses to return my key especially I made it easy without meeting each other.
4. Then she became so hostile and asked me to stop texting her, but I only texted her one time to ask my keys back politely. We ended up arguing and yeah I said some nasty things. And I told her that i want a closure, which is returning my keys and she shall never hear from my again. I asked her why dont you just block me from your whatsapp so you will never have to hear from me anymore. She never made any comments on that part but stood silence. And yeah that was the last time we contacted.
5. I screwed up I understand and yes I still have feelings towards her and hoping one day I will get her back if things can be changed.
My question is after hearing my situation. Do you still think its possible to get her back? If so..are there any ways to proceed with my situation?
p.s. because as far as I know..the last couple times we contacted went pretty bad.
Yes, you do have a chance. Just follow the plan. Apply no contact and get back in touch with her. What happened last time you contacted isn't as bad as you think it is.
My girlfriend and I dated for 3 years. I am 28, she is 24 and we broke up 1 month ago. She told me her feelings have changed and she feels she can no longer sustain a relationship with me. After the initial break up I had done all the needy and desperate things and talked to her a couple days after. She was not angry but would cry and just say its how she feels she cant help it but she loves me and she just cant change how she feels inside. We didnt talk for about week after that then I contacted her again to try "convince her" things would change. She still said she doesnt want to try anymore and shes just not as attracted to me as she used to be. We didnt talk for another week and we ran into eachother didnt talk just said hi but the next day I contacted her again and tried to convince her again, again she said the same thing and I can feel her getting annoyed with me. Another week went buy and I contacted her again. This time tried to be even more convincing and telling her how I loved her and explaining the dynamics of long term relationship. It got to the point where she said please stop, I care about you I dont want this to get to place where I am annoyed that your contacting me. She was never rude or ever cursed at me or was nasty in way. She just kept saying how much she cares for me but for her the relationship is done because things for her are different and feel different and shes focusing on her happines as should I. I am an attractive guy, I have never had any problems getting woman. I have great confidence and believe in my abilities to move on, but I don't want to. The only reason I was desperate and needy is because the two of us always communicated and were very sensitive to each others emotions until she seemingly just went cold on me and I bugged out. I kept telling her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her I even mentioned I thought of taking the next step with her. She was very emotional thruogh out everything I said to her. I kept trying to convince her and she began to pick and choose what she wanted to respond to. Until eventually I said, if not being with me is what will make you happy then Ill give you your space because I respect you and your feelings. She responded telling me she appreciated that I can say that and respects me and my feelings as well but space is what she needs right now...now we are in no contact as of today. Because I was needy and clingy and desperate for almost a month on and off I feel I have pushed her away too far. She seems exhausted with it all but doesnt want to just ignore me. I feel since ive contacted her so many times trying to speak to her logically instead of her emotional sense its made it even easier for her transition away from me. I usually have a beat on how she is feeling and if she is thinking about me. After contacting her so many times and asking for another chance I really don't think she is feeling that sad about the break up anymore and she. I dont get that sense that shes thinking about me, and if she is its not that missing feeling of wanting to be around someone. Do you think there's a chance she will still miss me after 28 days of on and off "talks"? And if there is chance of getting her to be attracted to me again after no contact?
My ex dumped me last week because she said "I love you but im not inlove with you anymore." We've been together for 16 months. She is from another country and im from America. she comes to visit here for 3 months then goes back to her country. She is still in America now but has been living with her friend til she gets back to uk on may. 4. last time she was here was JUNE TO SEPTEMBER 2013. she caught me texting another girl few days before she left. she almost broke up with me but ended up taking me back. she then went back to uk and stayed there for 5months and went back here to America last Feb.2014. during that separation period she told me her love for me has faded cause of the cheating, lack of effort on communicating with her, lack of initiative, basically I was a lousy bf. but still she decided to come back here and see if things can be fixed. so she got back February and stayed with me for a month. everything seemed ok, then she finally showed signs of being aloof. and that's when I asked is there something wrong. that's when she said she needed space and wanted to think about if she still wants to be with me. so she left the apartment and spend her time alone. she came back after a week and tells me that its over. she said that theres no way that she can love me the way that she has loved me before. and there is no absolute possibility of getting back together. she was very firm and decided. of course I did the classic mistakes you mentioned on here and I made myself look desperate and needy. obviously it didn't work to text and beg and surprise her with flowers. so now im gonna try the no contact rule for 30 days. but then If do the 30days no contact, by that time shes gonna be in uk already. do you think I should still do 30 day no contact and is there still hope to save this? thanks.
Yes, you should. Trying to get her back before she leaves for UK is again going to make you look needy.
Hi Kevin :) My situation is very confusing. My ex broke up with me in a rage 5 days ago. I was living at his house (only dated 2 months) and he had called and seemed upset about something. I ended up calling back 5 minutes later saying honey is something wrong you sound upset? and he responded in swearing and saying its over that I can’t allow him to have mood swings and I don’t “get” his personality. He then texted me leave his house, and leave him alone. I was in shock. I went back that night and we ended up sleeping together and him saying sorry and that he wanted to work things out, and asked if I did too. I said yes. The next day he called at noon, I asked if he still wanted to work things out and if we were seeing each other later and he responded yes and yes that he meant it. A couple hours later I got a text saying he needed to be alone and doesn’t want to get back together. He came over that night just outside my house to give me closure saying he loves me as a person, that in his mind I am perfect but he needs to find himself and he feels he isn’t in love with me anymore. It has been hard for me to stop contact and I didn’t for the first 5 days- I did not text him or call him often but I would at least once per day. I went over the other night he welcomed me in with open arms- asked why I was there. I said I don’t know I just felt like coming, and he hugged me kissed my forehead said he loved me as a person and that he cares for me so much and how pretty I looked. I told him I was glad we broke up. Then he asked me to sleep over which I was reluctant but ended up doing because I really do love him and I hadn’t been sleeping without him. We made love and he kept saying how much he loves how I smell and how beautiful I am and was a little jealous kept asking if I had gone on dates with other men. He couldn’t keep his hands off me or stop kissing or cuddling me after. Then the next morning we joked around a bit and he said it was so confusing and I was messing with his mind however that night I never said I loved him or wanted him in any way. I texted him that morning saying I was sorry for messing with his mind I didn’t mean to hurt him and that he was different than I thought and I was happy for the break up he responded “Whatever”. I ended up going crazy later that day because I have never slept with an ex before- its confusing and devastating- I thought we’d get back together, so I kept calling and he told me to leave him alone and eff off he needed to think and be alone. As of now I have told him again that I am glad we broke up and that it is good we have broken up. I wished him well and he wished me well back. Now I am completely ignoring him and I will just wait until he messages me . Do you think he will? I don’t understand his actions, to my face he is so loving but then texts me to eff off and cuts our phone conversations after a few minutes. He still answers everything though. I will not contact him again but I am struggling. Please respond I am worried the no contact will not work and that he really is done forever.
I forgot to explain our relationship before the day we broke up. He called me at least 5x a day to talk when he was working. He would text first almost always and I’d mostly let him call first. He did all the chasing. He wanted babies and a house together and kept telling me I was the one- but I never brought those things up. He had chased me for so long before we dated – I had turned him down 10 x!! Finally I gave in and he began telling me he loved me . I took my time with that as well. He was so eager to meet my whole family and for me to meet his. We were inseparable. A few days before the breakup things felt different- still loving but not as crazy in love as usual. Very strange but I thought it was just because he was away on work and tired. We never fought and from what I could see our relationship was what dreams are made of. I have never been so cared for by a man and never felt so loved for everything that I am. And I loved him with everything I had he was my honey and it doesn’t seem like we were together long but constant contact and talking (sometimes 10 hours on the phone a day!!) plus seeing each other at night and knowing each other for a while before that seemed like the pace we were moving was right.
There is a good chance he will contact you after a while. Even if he does contact you, tell him you need time and space. Continue no contact for another 30 days, and if you want him back still, get back in touch.
Hi Kevin,
I liked your article and wanted to see if it fit my situation. I broke up with my ex because he is not in the same place as I am with career, marriage and kids so I broke up as we just can't ever get on the same page. We have so much in common and have fun together, but I'm just in a different place in my life as he. He's not ready to commit to all the things that I want and doesn't make much effort. He'd like for us to stay together, but I don't want to wait around for him for these things. Who knows when he'll start thinking about these things. Not sure if not talking to him 30+days will bring him back and want the same things I do.
No contact will not necessarily change where he is at in his life. There is a slight chance that it might give him the push he needs if he is already on the fence about these things. But don't keep your hopes up.
My ex broke up with me last month after a year and 8 months. She had a rebound relationship but came back to me. Then after about a week she left me again. After a couple days she came back again, then left again. We hangout sometimes and it's like we're the perfect couple and it's like an intense magical feeling. But then after a couple days she leaves and leaves me wondering why. She tells me she loves me but then asks for space. I don't know what to do. Can you give me some advice? Thanks.
Next time she comes back, play it cool and don't get back with her immediately. Tell her you need some time and space. Apply no contact immediately.
I’ve been reading your articles as they are helping to know other people are going through similar situations. I would really like and value your take please – I dated my now ex for a year and four months. He was my best friend – we were going to move in together and talked of marriage and children (I am 41 and he is 38). We had some problems in December – he told me he had a “wall” up and wasn’t able to feel or express himself as he should be by now ie. saying he loves me (although he said he loved me – I get the feeling he meant in love)and so we took a short break so he could figure things out. That didn’t last long and within a week we were back together, he said he was going to go to a therapist and sort himself out to make us better.
Mid February I just was feeling like we were at a plateau – no more talks really about moving in together and frankly we weren’t really doing anything that fun together – it was kind of boring. He was never the most affectionate guy and that always bothered me – like snuggling and holding hands – so I eventually just got frustrated. We had a talk about it that I initiated and it came out that he still had unresolved “wall” issues. So we took another break.
About a little over a week later he asked me to dinner on a saturday night – just to tell me again that he still had this wall feeling and loved me and did ask if i would wait for him to resolve it. But I instantly just felt so awful that I said I couldn’t wait and that if he wanted to break up with me he should just say it himself. So he did.
I was devastated – crying hysterical – and did contact him after because I felt like I was hit by a truck. I never imagined we would break up as that time apart he sent me roses for valentines saying I meant the world to him and was texting how much he missed me. In the post breakup texts that I initiated he told me he missed me more than words could say and as time went on he was feeling things he didnt know he could feel for me.
Bottom line – I never let him go for a month – I always pushed for answers and was hoping for a reconciliation and all the while he was leading me to believe he missed me too and gave me hope. He finally asked to get together – so we did twice – a Sunday night (nothing substantive was said) and then he asked for the next weekend – so we got together last Sat night for dinner – we had a lot of fun – and after I initiated a discussion and basically he said he was in the same place. (I asked him if he was dating anyone before we went to dinner and he said no.) But I had an opportunity to snoop his phone (which is very immature I know) and saw that even while at dinner with me he was texting another woman. He was with her the night before (and that morning in his bed) and was seeing her on Sunday. PS – I have come to find out she is 28, works with him and from her background I can tell that it wouldn’t go anywhere serious without strong issues from his family. I confronted him – we had a big argument and he said he just started seeing her and that I too had told him I had been on dates. Bottom line – I told him I loved him and he was leading me on with all this I miss you stuff and think of you all the time stuff – yet he apparently had no intention of getting back together now and also denied he was leading me on by saying those things.
End of a long story – night ended with me crying and him telling me I was his best friend but he was having a hard time feeling more and that he was so conflicted about us. I finally told him to please not
contact me unless he had something substantive to say and that I wouldn’t contact him either.
It’s been 11 days – this is the longest we have ever gone. I have heard nothing – I can’t stop thinking about him and have no idea how I will replace him. Am I completely wasting my time by thinking not contacting him will make him realize what he has lost or is this a waste of time?
Thank you so much for your time
Even if it does make him realize what he has lost, it will not necessarily fix his issues. He will still have them even if he gets back together with you and you will eventually break up again.
Thanks for your reply Kevin - I know his issues will still exist as they were the crux of our demise. I can't help but take it personally - even though he says how i'm "everything" - and frankly, i am a good catch - dr, own practice, thin, in shape, fun and outgoing... I miss him so much and just wonder if you know of similar situations where it has turned and worked out? Thank you
Well, every situation is different in it's own way. And I have seen a lot of guys with commitment issues getting back together after a while. But your case is different with the "emotional wall". I have had a couple of people with similar issues but they never followed up with me so I have no way of knowing if it did work out for them. I also have a testimonials page here if you are interested.
Was in a "pseudo-relationship" for 6 years. He always said he did not want a commitment. I thought I could deal with that, but I fell for him anyway and stuck around waiting for the day he'd change his mind. He finally did after some very rough transitional months; but he chose his other "pseudo-girlfriend" who's been waiting for him twice as long. It's been a month since he told me; and I still love him. I've made my "mistakes" and am now working on the 'no contact' rule. We don't text much, but we have our moments when we will chat via text for hours, then one of us just disappears. (Usually him.) I know I need the time, I'm wondering, given the circumstances of our relationship ~ never really all that it could have been ~ should I even look to reconnect after a couple of months of silence? He's told me he felt she was a better match for him because she was settled and more financially stable than me. He believes she will push him and help him become successful; but when I ask him if he's sure, he doesn't respond. One of my mistakes was to invite him on a 'final-let's-end-on-a-cool-note' trip; he said if it had have been anyone else, he would decline, but because it was me, he would love to go. I asked several time if he was sure; every time he said absolutely. He's not sure about his choice, but he feels he has to stick with his decision since it's been made. Other than going silent, I am not sure what to do to reframe this situation. I love him, and I am trying not to be too prideful, but, other than wondering how to get him to change his mind, a part of me is wondering is it even worth it for someone who doesn't seem to believe your good enough? What do you think?
It's only for you to decide. That's what the no contact period is for. You have to answer that question yourself. If you want to know what I think, my answer is "absolutely not".
Hi! Ok, so this is complicated. I don't think my ex and I are very typical. Basically we moved in together right from the beginning and were a couple for 1 year and 3 months. A couple months before she ended it, things were getting a little rocky, but we seriously never would argue or fight before that. We had complete lack of space during our whole relationship, but didn't realize it until it caught up with us. We were insanely crazy about each other for at least 12 months, but later we got too comfortable and stopped taking care of our relationship. I know now that’s what I did anyways, but never stopped loving her. We just started drifting through it. So a couple months ago, she said she needed a break for space and thought she should move out. I freaked, of course, but eventually told her I supported her, especially when she said break not break up. Then we'd argue and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to work on our relationship. She just wanted space. We would go back and forth, letting our emotions get the best of us. So she moved in with a friend and twice we had two bad text arguments, no holds barred. It wasn't until that last one that it hit me between the eyes. She didn't just give up; I screwed up big time towards the end of our relationship and reacted out of fear. She had to stop by yesterday to give me something after not seeing each other for 6 weeks and I sat her down and told her what I realized and accepted and genuinely apologized for what I did wrong. I explained that anything mean I said over texts was completely fueled by emotion and she agreed. I told her how I've learned from my mistakes and hope one day maybe she'll be ready to try again. The thing is, she told me she really didn't want to come see me that night (anxiety), and she wouldn't even give me a hug after my apology. I would send her a text picture every now and then and tell her it reminded me of her, but it would just get ignored. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. She told me when I did those little things; it would just stab her heart. I know for her and I this will be a slow process. She is currently experiencing a low in life and feels SOOO unstable. She says she’s tired of always getting shit on and is still trying to get over other hurts in her past. I guess what I’m afraid of is that she said she forgives me for what I did, but she’s just covering and will hold on to my mistakes forever. Not that I was the only problem in our relationship.. She said she can’t be around me, can’t talk to me, basically wants complete isolation, and says it’s going to take her a long time. Basically, I have no choice but to start your no contact plan and now I see how that’s the best thing to do, but after a couple months of intense emotional exhaustion between us, do you think time could still pull her back? It seems right now; she can only remember the last 3 months of knowing me and can’t connect with the first wonderful 14 months of knowing each other. Time? Another thing to add is she is moving an hour away for college in 4 months, but we have experience long distance together before. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I hope this all made sense! haha
Hey,
I do think no contact will benefit you, even after 3 months of emotional exhaustion. In fact, I think no contact is the only thing that can increase your chances of getting back together at this point.
hey kevin
I have subscribed but have had nothing about what to write in this letter i am confused should i right how i feel about her with the apology and do i list the things i am sorry for and just say sorry.
You get the sample letter in the 10th email. You should keep the apology as short as possible. Apologizing too much makes you look needy.
We met in September, started as professional colleagues, we then became personal friends and it developed into a love affair.
It was everything we didn’t get from our partners; exciting, loving, there was chemistry, attraction and it was compassionate. We grew close as a result and started to lust for one another, it became rather intense and when we started to develop feelings of love for one another we began to realise that we had to leave our partners. Id like to emphasise that there was no physical affair, only an emotional one, we simply couldn't do that to them. It was a massive step and during this period things got quite serious between us, this in turn camouflaged the realities of what we were doing and we pushed forward blinded by love, lust and passion.
I called off the engagement and sent my girlfriend home breaking her heart, and my lover moved out of their shared home and called off their engagement also, he too was distraught. Over the next few months we grew very close as a couple, really close, the relationship developed and we saw each other as much as possible and got on so well, but this too continued to bury the natural grieving process that would normally occur after a breakup of this scale.
Then, due to the way in which we started our relationship, cracks began to occur. She started feeling increasingly guilty over what she had done to her ex boyfriend and was starting to admit that she wasn't over the break up, and I developed trust issues toward her because of the lies which facilitated the affair and seeing she wasn’t over her ex boyfriend.
Time after time we spoke about taking a break to get to grips with our feelings and create some space to grieve over the people we had hurt, but time after time we failed, we simply couldn't bear to be apart from each other for periods longer than three days. But as time went on, her guilt developed into something she could no longer ignore and this coincided with my trust issues, where on a few occasions I had openly not trusted her and questioned what she was saying. Both characteristics we were displaying were perfectly natural given our journey but one day it came to a head and I pushed the decision to give each other space.
It has been three weeks now, we have spoken occasionally, sometimes I have been needy and other times it has been like before, free and loving, we even spent the night together a week ago and it was amazing for both of us, she called and text me saying she is still in love with me and then it went back to the space, by now she had chosen her route of action and wasn't deviating. But, today we met accidentally at work and we went for dinner, whilst dinner i was asking her to let me in and be there for her to help her. This is 80% true, I do want to be there for her through this, but the other 20% was trying to get back what we had. We kissed and held hands but she wasnt wholly there, she was visibly holding back.
I made this break to give her the space and time we thought we needed to deal with the guilt and grief over our ex's and sell the houses and obvious fallout, now i am scared that i may lose her forever. The love we have shared has been amazing, we were best friends and care deeply for each other and we sacrificed everything to be together.
Please help me, what should I do?
I think you are doing the right thing. The fear of losing her forever seems rational, but it's not. You can lose her forever if you stay with her 24/7. Continue doing what you've been doing. Don't try to convince her to get back together for at least another two months.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention. Not only has she been downplaying dating the guy she's seeing casually, she has repeatedly ignored my questions about her dating, told me she wasn't, or that she wasn't with him when I found out she was. What does this mean?
Also, if we didn't leave our last text on a positive note, what can I say in a last text to her that would give me control and essentially make her fear losing me forever. Is there a good way to write a "last text before no contact?"
Thank you,
Robert
It just means she is still interested in you. Like I said, start no contact without telling her. If she contacts you, then tell her you need space and time right now to deal with the breakup.
We dated just shy of three months. I soon realized that he is emotionally detached. He kind of hinted that on our first date when he said an ex said he acted like he really didn't care for her. I am not sure how this derived in his life. He would say all the right things, that I am an amazing woman and just six weeks dating wanted us to be exclusive, but his actions did not match. For example he would go three to four days without calling, rarely made dates (it was football season - ha!), and he made me feel as if I was a nuisance on those rare times I called or texted him (again--football, or work so he said). He also never wanted me to see his home, saying mine was so much better. I just stopped trusting and feeling comfortable with him. I ended it via text -- I know, shameful. He texted back, "OK" and said for me to have fun on my upcoming trip. I didn't respond and went into immediate NO CONTACT. I do miss him, and neither of us have contacted each other for three months. I feel like I should have shared how I feel more instead of breaking up, but I also feel there are some emotional elements he needs to work on -- that is if he ever does. Your thoughts, please?
Get back in touch with him. You really have nothing to lose at this point. Worst case scenario, you will realize he is not interested anymore. At least, you will get closure.
Hey so me and my girlfriend recently broke up. She said she didn't see me in her future. But she also said that I was mean and in responsible. Truth is and I told her this was I was so stressed about my job because I was working on getting a promotion that opened up for a manager. I got about 2 weeks before we broke up. Now I'm stress less but she's still not willing to get back with me. I've known her for 4 years and we were best friends prior to dating. But after we broke up we were still friends, best friends. So I saw your no contact rule an I thought to myself how can I do this without hurting outlets friendship as well as my chances I get back with her. I'm really hurt over the break up but I also feel like it changed me to be a better man. What should I do! Please help:)
Tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. If she is really your friend, she will understand.
Sorry for this but it wouldn't let me reply, But how would I go upon getting her back? The thing is we still talk and hang out all the time and say I love you and kiss on the cheek. And when we hug I still feel the romance between us. I hung out with her yesterday when she was on break cause she told me to stop by. I told her I was way less stressful and a happier person because I contacted a therapeist. She said she glad and happy to hear that. Then I had to tell her how I still felt cause I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I asked her if maybe we could have a second chance an she said not now but well see. Then I'm currently hanging out with her now and she brought something up and said now were probably not getting back together. I'm getting a lot of mixed feelings from her and don't know what to do. Any ideas ?
So I just hit a breakthrough today. So before we broke up I invited her to a family party I had. Well the whole car ride there she cuddled with me out of nowhere, then we went on a walk and she held my hand. Then durning the party outta nowhere she pulled me aside and started making out with me. Then she brought up something about our break up and started yelling at me. Then said " I was planning on getting back with you but now I'm not" but then we talked and she became happier, we kissed again the the carried back we cuddled again. Then I went back to her house and chilled with her. We decided to play truth or dare an I thought of a plan to get her back a good way. So she asked me and I purposely chose dare, then I asked her if I could dare her to do something when I thought of one, then we continued to play for fun. As I was about to leave we hugged and kissed and she said she loved and missed me and that she was sorry for kissing me because she said that she just misse me a lot and that it was hard. So she was about to walk to the door then I grabbed her arm and said, " I thought of a dare for you, I dare you to give me one final chance to prove to you I'm the man you want to be with and that I'm still the man you fell in love with" she said " no, not right now." Then went inside. So then I got home an I texted her asking her what that ment. And all she said was " you overthink things more then I do. Goodnight Jasun ;)" I am so confused idk what to do. Please reply fast!
Jay, you should take things slowly. She was warming up to you and getting close to you, but you showed neediness and desperation. I think you should wait another week before getting back in touch and this time, don't let her know that you want to get back. Don't try any other romantic gestures. Just have fun and let it be her idea to get back together.
And today she told me she woke and up realized how much she misses being with me. What should I do now
Well we have a rave to go to on Thursday and I may be staying the night at her house. I don't wanna cancel third plans so should I wait till Friday to cut off communication for a week?
In that case, it'll depend on she reacts when you meet. If she is cold, then cut communication for a week. If not, then don't.
We'll last night I cut off communication and applied no contact. I told her how I felt and us kissing an stuff is just putting me in a bad state and I needed time. I even canceled going to the concert with her to show her I'm serious about this and that I'm no longer gonna be walked on.
Even though it's not what I advised, if you think that was for the best, then you did the right thing. You need to put yourself before everything else.
Kevin, I am going through a break up but we still live together and we will for at least another 30 days before our lease is up. I want things to work out ... is there anything I can still do during this time to make things better for us so we don't break up. He says he still loves me but just lost the spark.
Don't act needy and don't try to convince him to get back together. Chances are, you won't get back together during these 30 days, so don't try to push it. When you move out, follow the plan.
Hey,
I need help I'm 17 and I've been in a serious relationship for about 2 years now and two weeks ago me and my girlfriend broke up. We had a huge argument because I was angry because of the death of my grandfather. I said pretty horrible things and then she ended it, I do not recognise the person who wrote that and I feel pretty bad for what I have done. She said that her feelings are confused and she doesn't know what she wants, I understand that exams are soon but I can't cope with losing two people I care about. We have been in contact since the break up and we have met on several occasions and it seems fine but I am getting mixed signals with her pulling me close to her one minute and then pushing me away the next and I'm getting confused. I want to give her space but when I do she always asks to see me and I can never seem to say no. I have read the article and I have done those things in step 1 but I can't help it. I need advice on what I should do, would you be able to help? Much appreciated, josh
Hi Kevin, it's been 3 months since the breakup. Have been in touch only once a month so far but mostly I'm the one who's initiating only to be reciprocated by 1 reply or so. Passed the painting to his sister last month but did not initiate contact with him. Not sure if he knew the painting existed. Anyway I contacted him last thursday via whatsapp congratulating him of his achievement (he posted it on fb) and although he just replied thanks, I tried to ask further details of how he did it so he can talk more. True enough he did but I tried to keep the conversation short but with lots of happiness for him and eventually when he replied with yup, I didn't reply anymore. Because in the past, if he's the one ending the convo, he would often chase again. But I know the situation now, so I didn't expect him to chase and when he didn't, I wasn't disappointed. Tomorrow is his sister's birthday and so last night, I reminded him that it's his sister's birthday in 2 days. He just said yup no worries he know. I said okay! :) and he didn't reply anymore. I admit I felt rather down but after sleeping through a night, I got over it. I know he haven't see the positive change in me, that's why the indifference. It's okay. He will see it in due time when we meet again next month. I believe not seeing for almost 4 months would let him see how different I am.
I know we're meant to be together and so I will let go of the fear of losing him forever. Fear is just an illusion. As long as I'm working on making new changes on myself, have that unwavering faith that we're meant to be, I believe I will release a positive energy that can attract him back. :)
He seems cold Tan. I hope things work out for you. I'll also recommend that you try going out on a few dates before meeting him next month.
For once he contacted me! But it's to dissolve the flat that we bought together because he's worried about the interest accumulating. I guess I have no choice but to go along with it. Tried delaying it previously because I feel we'll still get back together again. But I know on his end, he may not think so. He said this is like a thorn that's bothering him. Sighs. I try not to think too much because at least we're talking. But somehow I don't feel especially down because somehow I really feel that he'll realize I'm still the one who's suitable for him. I don't wish to hurry things so I'll just let go of what's happening now, move on and let things unfold itself. I'm tired of thinking what cards I should play in order to get him back. I feel it's not letting nature take its own course.
Should I initiate contact to meet him to cut off all ties instead of waiting and checking my phone to see when he's gonna text me? I'm tired of the jittery feeling when what he texts is something negative which I don't want to see. I have a feeling things might change when we meet up because that's when we truly get to "start over". The vision that he would have a heavy heart when he sees my reluctance to sign the papers and wants to start over kept replaying in my mind. I don't know what to do now.
If you think it'll help you feel better, do it. If you can somehow make yourself stop waiting for his text, it would be better. But if you can't help yourself, go ahead and do it.
Hi Kevin!
My girlfriend of over 1 year and 6 months wants to break up with me. She told me she wanted to be be independent because she was so dependent to me BUT she told me that she still very much loves me. She also told me that one of the reasons for her to break up with me is she wanted love to find a way. If she breaks up with me then loves connects back together then i am the one for her but if it wont then its not meant to be. Please im so confused i need to help on what to do in this situation.
will she still comeback to me? or is this a hopeless cause?
should i apply the no contact rule? whats going to happen if i do?
Yes, apply no contact. I’ll recommend that you do it for at least 6 months. Let her experience her life and contact her after that. I assume she is young and if you convince her to get back together, she will always have it at the back of her mind and she will never be 100% committed to you.
My ex boyfriend moved his ex girlfriend in 2 weeks after we broke up but swears he loves me and just did it to get over me. I have finished my 30 day no contact period but they still live together. is it disrespectful to end him a letter or text?
No it's not. Contact him.
My ex and I broke up in mid January although we still had contact up til about a month ago through text and then a week ago from another text from me. We dated for about 2 years and the last year was on and off for several reasons. She moved for one and then also I kept breaking up with her here and there for different reasons. As recently as this past xmas and new years we were together. She suspected I cheated on her bc she saw a facebook post that I was skiing with some girl. The girl turns out is married with children and a co worker. I was skiing with her although we were in a big group and I DID NOT cheat. Anyhow my ex wouldnt hear it. She was so mad and said DO NOT ever contact me again im done. She said no cards flowers no nothing. DO NOT CONTACT me...we are never getting back together again. She was really angry. Again, I did not cheat on her and I expressed that and we had some closure through text about a month ago. Is it still possible to get her back? Also, we technically broke up in Jan although we had the closure text about a month ago and then I broke down last week and sent a text saying I hope your doing well type of thing. So I was thinking contact her in about 60+ days when summer begins. We are both teachers. Thoughts?
Yes, contacting her after 60 days is a good idea. Although, I want you to think hard if you want to get back with her during this time. Do you really want someone who would break up with you just because you were skiing with a girl? Don't you want someone whom you can trust and who trusts you enough to at least talk about it before breaking up with you?
Thank u for getting back. It was a lot more than just the ski trip. That was the last straw. I had messed up a ton before and she gave me countless chances. Anyhow she left it very angry. Said we are never getting back together. What should I do? I think she was just angry bc I was dishonest. I know 100% I want her back just don't think she will even take a text from me. She lives 5 hours from me now too. What should I do and do u think there is a chance even though she said never. Thoughts?
There is definitely a chance. In that case, just follow the plan and send her the letter.
Hey kevin!
A week a go i posted about my story and u told me to follow the no contact rule!
I started following it nd just after 3 days my ex msgd me saying that he was missing me!i couldnt stop myself nd so i repplied!
He came back to me but im sure that he is still in a relationship and he is hiding it from! I ask him everyday to tell me the truth i even told him that i will give him some time if he tells me the truth but unfortunately he is not telling me!
I dont know now what to do!
I am helpless
I need your help
Please suggest what should i do?
Tell him you need some space and time right now and start no contact again. This time, keep it for 30 days.
But why should i continue with the no contact if he came back to me?
Plz plan something
I just cant continue the no contact period because i have developed a fear of losing him!
Plzzz suggest me something else like a plan
Well Rida,
He did come back, but he is not 100% committed to you. He is still treating you like a doormat and he is not even ready to speak to you about things that are important to you. In my opinion, you took him back in a heartbeat without thinking twice about whether or not it was the right decision for you. You took him back without explaining him what you expect from him and what will be unacceptable for you.
If you want to get him to commit to you, respect you, and treat you like you deserve to be treated, you should apply no contact. Tell him you need space and time and you can't stay with him unless he is committed to making the relationship work.
The first time you did no contact, he came back in 3 days. So don't be afraid of no contact.
Ok ill try!
Thanks a lot!:)
Im in the no contact stage for about a week now. I usually send my ex's parents cards on all holidays. Should I NOT send one for Easter as part of the no contact?
I don't think sending a card to her parents is breaking no contact.
Thanks. She did say back in January no cards flowers or anything. Don't contact my family or friends. On the fence about the card.
Then skip it. Were you on good terms with her parents before you met her? If not, then it won't be rude if you don't send them a card this time.
Hi Kelvin,
Firstly, thank you for this article. It has given me a better perspective of things.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for nearly 3 years now (He's 34 and I'm 23 but we get along well). Things have been great for us with minimal communication problems. We've always managed to overcome the obstacles together until a couple of months back, he started to become distracted. When prompted, he told me it was a mix between being confused with his career (lack of passion with his current job and wanting to explore something different) and his lost of passion towards me. He became unsure of our relationship.
It came to me as a huge surprise as we've always been loving and understanding towards each other. I could only suggest time away from each other and hopefully we would pull through it like we always do. We both agreed on it. I've never been the needy type of girlfriend but I later that day, I made the mistake of trying to convince him to change his mind by texting him and meeting up with him the following day.
Finally, we came to a decision that we definitely needed space but he suggested to meet up once every 2-3 weeks to do something fun and interesting together (i suppose, since every other aspects of our relationship is fine, except the lack of passion).
It's been 1.5 weeks since we had 'no contact'. After reading this article, I'll like to hear your advice if I should follow the ' 30 days no contact' rule or go with the flow with him but play it cool. I'm confused.
What to you think?
Let him initiate contact. If he doesn't keep no contact for 2 months then get back in touch.
Hi Kelvin,
I had to break the 'no contact' rule 2 weeks into it with my boyfriend because our mutual friend was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. We communicated through text messages. He took the opportunity to ask me how I was doing and also shared with me how he was coping. Turns out he is currently extremely stressed with work (having to be work for 12-14 hrs a day sometimes to rush for a project) and is on the verge of submitting his resignation.
During communication with him, I've tried not to appear emotional or needy but instead, fun, optimistic and being okay with our time apart. He seems warm and friendly enough. He shares with me things that are going on with him currently, however, he does not include me in the activities he mentions (eg: going to a gathering but not extending the invitation to me). He also admitted that he hasn't had enough time to think things through about our relationship but is open to the idea of meeting up 'some time' (but no dates given).
While I try to be understanding with his current situation and honor his need for space, all of my girlfriends seem to have come to the conclusion that he's simply stalling time until the point I finally give up (so he will not be left with the guilt of having to tell me our relationship is over).
I understand men often withdraw to their 'mancave' when seeking space for themselves. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be doing so by not engaging me in activities we normally do together?
I'm thinking of continuing 'no contact' for another month or two, or till he initiates, but I'd also like to hear your opinion (a male's POV) if there's a good chance for us to get back together given time and space?
Thanks again.
Hello,
I never follow this no contact rule in my 5 years relationship, but he wants to move and want to search other options he told "you are the first girl of my life i want few days of my freedom and want to go on date with different girls". I felt bad and want him to realist that what he wants is not correct that is why i stop talking.(in past also so many time i accepted his senseless stories to save our relation but this time i could not allow him to go out with girls and stay alone,without me) .
i stop talking him on 21th Feb after a fight. from 28th Feb he started mailing me that he is missing me and i am his critical part and all but on 4th April he mail me that after 6 to 8 months we will get married but by that time you concentrate on your study.(actually again the same thing he wants in this 6-8 months period of time he want to go with girls) i reply him good bye mail.
To realize him i am also a person and i also get angry. In our relation always he alone can not take all decision. he should ask me what i want.
am i doing right thing to relies him that i am also have my own opinions.
Yes, you are. Tell him you need space and time and there are no guarantees that you will wait for him during that 6-8 months. You also have the right to see and date other guys.
Hi Kevin,
First of all thanks to give your time to understand my problem and your reply.
Hay i know he loves me a lot and never tells a lie to me. I just want to make him realize that he is doing wrong. he is bit slow in every thing that is why may be this no contact rule will take some extra time, its almost 50 days no contact and i have not replied any of his mail, only good bye mail i sent as i told.
actually i am bit concern about this no contact rule. Is there any chance of negative affect. (our promises "ego, miss-understanding, miss communication will never come in our relationship" affect because of this no contact rule).
my and his age is 30 and we are together for last 5 years.
There is of course a risk with no contact, but it's very little. I think you already have miscommunication issues since you are not able to talk to him about how you feel about his decision. He is keeping you as a backup for this 6-8 months while he dates other girls. That's a bigger issue than everything else you mentioned. Like I said you should do no contact and even go on a few dates during this time.
Thanks a lot to motivate me in this condition, really you are doing very good job.
I cross my finger and continue for no-contact.
Do you think your plan is full proof if I want to get an ex back that moved on if it's in the worst case scenario? Some neediness, telling him ily but he doesn't want to talk to me actually said leave me alone.
I've also been wondering because you have the no contact period that can take quite some time depending on what the person works on within themselves but I don't know how to approach him otherwise and I know his birthday is about 6 months away do you think that's too much time to wait because I know the casual happy birthday can be a conversation starter right? Otherwise what should I try? I really don't want him to get in too deep with this new girl and I know his friends/her siblings will continue to push them together no matter what and it's bothering me so much now but I know he does in fact care just so much happened between us that I actually do think time apart where we don't talk could possibly make our bond stronger and allow him to see his great we really are together and how good I am for him, am I wrong? Is it worth it? Should I just give up?
I've had connections with guys before but nothing like this one and I know I did some pretty mean things to him (as he did me) but like he once said I just think we would work so well together and if not at least we can say we tried ya know? He even just said he never really loved me but I feel like after a certain age you actually do feel it and mean it when you say it but because of the things I have said he's being unforgiving and is saying things out of sheer anger but I could be wrong. Do guys do things like take back anything they've ever said when a girl upsets/hurts them?
Your opinion is greatly appreciated thank you.
Hey Kaykay,
Nothing is foolproof. As I mentioned in the beginning of the article, there are no guarantees, but it will increase your chances of getting back together. Yes, guys say mean things when they are hurt. And yes, I do think it's worth trying at least once. However, I'll recommend you keep no contact for 3 months instead of 6 months. You don't need birthdays as a conversation starter. You can use the text messages mentioned in the article.
My boyfriend and I had broken up in January but we were still living together because I moved to another state to be with him.. I was planning on moving back home and in the meantime I went out and had a drink with a guy and stayed out all night. He was worried about me and I lied about where I was and said I was with a friend.. the next day I wanted to fix things with him but I was so irritated with his 21 questions that I didn't. I drank too much and was sending pictures to another guy I'd met that night online and the next morning he went through my phone and told me to move out. I ended up starred in the house for another two weeks and everything was perfect between us, better than ever. I did keep trying to bring things up, and tried everything I could to get him to take me back, but after two weeks he still asked me to leave.. he also told me that he was going to propose to me a few months before, which made everything so much worse, he said he wanted to be alone for a year and he was fine with being by himself...I've cried everyday for weeks, hardly eating and can't sleep, extremely depressed.. we went 3 weeks without speaking and I went back to his town for my birthday to visit friends ( he also had the same birthday as me :/ ) I text him and let him know I was in town and if he wanted to meet up but I understood he wanted his space too. We ended up having dinner and seeing eachother twice while I was in town, I told him all the good things I'd been doing and he told me how good I looked. We hooked up twice and talked about things but he said it was too soon and he needed time and that I should continue to focus on myself. He also said of course he missed me. But that he was the one that was hurt I'm back home and still heartbroken over him.. I don't know what to do or how to let go he called me a few days after I got home just to talk but nothing from him since. I really feel like he's the one and would do anything to be back with him. He is super busy and in the military so he's not very emotional and I know he's putting up a wall.. it was the greatest year and a half of my life and I just want to continue our life together.. help me please, I feel like there is still hope for us
Hy Alexis,
I think there is nothing much you can do except give him more time. I think you should apply no contact for another 2 months and then send him the letter mentioned in the article.
Is it weird to start a no contact period four months after the break-up (she dumped me)? A bit of the background on the relationship (feel free to search "I guess" if you want to do the TL;DR thing):
I asked her out on a date in May of 2013 after we both had graduated college. She took five days to decide, then said "no." Then at the end of July, she said she had a change of heart. She said my heart was the most kind she had ever seen and she wondered why she wasn't dating me. I accepted because I had a crush and strong feelings for her for about two years. We went out for about three months before she took a job about 100 miles away. I supported her since I knew she wanted a job such this for years and even helped her move and spent her first night away from her family with her.
Before that, she was the first one to kiss, initiate intimacy, say "I love you," and "I feel like we're supposed to be together" and "You've treated me better than anyone else outside my family ever has." I know she has trust issues, because her only serious boyfriend before me cheated on her when she was 20 and her father cheated on her mother when she was 3. But she said when I held her, she felt safe and trusted me.
We started a long-distance relationship for about a month, then on one weekend I was supposed to visit, she told me before I headed out that she had to come home to see her dad who had fallen ill that weekend instead. I said I was fine with it, since I would feel like a jerk if I said she couldn't come home to see her dad. She dumped me that same weekend (at least she had the respect to do it in person) in mid-December 2013. She expressed that she felt we weren't on the same page with the relationship -- I was more invested than she was; she felt she couldn't do as much for me since she moved and this made her feel terrible about herself, etc. Basically, the cowardly "it's not you, it's me/you deserve better than me" excuse. I told her I have the same heart/I am the same person she fell in love and always will be, so why did she leave?
We both broke a lot of the rules you mentioned in Part 1, but in the months since I've been a lot better about giving her space. She asked about a month after the break-up how I was doing (which was right around the time I lost both my jobs and had family members end up in the hospital), but I wasn't in a good place mentally and emotionally, so I barked at her that I didn't know how to answer and that I was still working out my feelings.
Last weekend, she tagged me and others in a Facebook status that she needed help with a project for work. I tried to turn the other cheek and offer to help (and I'll admit, I considered asking her out if I saw her). I said I'd meet her around 5:30 p.m. last Sunday, but around 5 she texted saying she wasn't feeling well and was heading home. I told her it was no trouble and that I hoped she feels better. I sent her an elephant made with symbols to help make her feel better (elephants are her favorite animal). The next day, she posted a picture on my wall from one of my favorite TV shows. I liked it and let it be. I've yet to contact her since.
I guess my question is: if I start a month of no contact now, would it be detrimental to possibly getting back with her, or should I give her more space then send the letter and/or text messages? We've been broken up for about as long as we dated (four-ish months). I would like to get back together with her someday, not because I NEED her in my life, but because she has a genuine heart, good work ethic and loves her job and family. I WANT a woman like her in my life. Thanks for any help.
I think no contact will be of some advantage to both of you. You can keep it a little short if you think both of you are in a good place right now. I'll recommend at least 3 weeks.
Hey Kevin. My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago, saying that he doesn't see us together in the future & that we should just be friends. It was very hard at first but not once did I blow up his phone or beg him to come back. Being around him was super awkward at work. We couldn't say anything other than hi. As time passed however, he began to warm up to me again slowly but surely. We went from ignoring each other to texting and talking on the phone. Last week I had to ask him for some help at work and before he showed up he offered to buy me something to drink at the gas station. Then when he came, he complimented my hair, brought up funny memories from our old relationship and wanted to take me to lunch. My question is, is he just trying to a friend to me like he said he wanted or is there something more? I don't want to jump ahead of myself here.
It seems he is interested in getting back together.
It does seem that way but I don't want to get ahead of myself here. He said he wanted to be friends so that's why his behavior is confusing. What should I do? I wanna get back together but I don't want to rush into it.
Just play it cool. Don't act needy. Have fun with him and let him chase you. If he doesn't make a move for a long time, then you ask him to get back together.
Well Kevin, my ex and I spoke at work a lot yesterday and the first time around, he made comments about my hair and the color of my eyes and he was looking deep inside them for some reason but something told me it was just an excuse to be in my face. The 2nd time around, he let me play in his hair and we were flirting and we ended up kissing at the end. Not that I regret the kiss but now I know that we have to talk but I just don't know how to come about it. Any advice Kevin?
Treat him like you would treat someone you just started dating. I'll recommend you keep seeing him, having fun for a while before initiating any serious talk. I think kissing is fine. Just don't sleep with him until he commits.
Hey Kevin, I commented a little while ago but I don't see it anymore. And I subscribed to you but no emails are coming, and it's been over 30 minutes. Why is that? I even checked spam folder and nothing is there. I'd really like your advice on my situation.
It seems you have received the email already. Sometimes, it takes a while.
Hey Kevin,
My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. It's about 10 hour drive from where I live to where he lives. We actually met in an online gaming community, became friends, and about a year later he became my boyfriend. We dated for a little over a year until he decided he wanted to end it. He said I'm always lazy (whenever he asked to do thngs, I didn't want to and I just gave excuses for it.) and that I never prioritize him (I often talked to other friends and ignored him anywhere from one to three hours before replying) which hurt him a lot and made him feel like crap. I realized all this AFTER he broke up with me. To be honest, I was taking him for granted. I didn't know I was doing it to him until the break up.
So I basically made all the mistakes written here. Literally everything. I begged him to come back, I de-valued myself and told him I'm even fine with dating him even if he doesn't love me anymore (because at that moment, I was ready to do anything to have him back. I thought I could get him to love me again somehow.), told him I can't live without him etc etc all the pathetic and needy things you could ever say to a man who just lost feelings for you. After reading your article I must say I am extremely embarrassed and that I see I was just pushing him away. My ex wanted to remain best buddies and I couldn't accept that. We broke up on Sunday so it's barely been a week. During that time I kept texting and messaging him on Skype and stuff, letting him know how desperate and depressed I was (sigh). Then yesterday I proposed a plan to him. I wanted us to take 5 days where we can give time to each other and focus on us. I wanted to play games we used to play when we were still dating, because I remember they were fun. After 5 day period is over, if he still doesn't want me, I'll stop contacting him (because I couldn't accept, as I said earlier, being merely his friend). And we were to not contact each other until a set time that I suggested which was 23rd. He agreed.
Today I changed my mind, texted him again, told him I'm sorry I was just rushing things and that I want his opinion on what I suggested yesterday. I said we could still remain in contact until 23rd. He did not reply. Then hours later I messaged him on Skype and said I decided the set time thing was dumb and only restricted options so we can do it whenever we're ready. (I did not expect a reply for this message, and I did not get one)
Then I read your article. Now I know I did every possible mistake you could do after a breakup, but is there still a chance for me? I plan to not contact him until maybe mid-May or so now that I read your "at least 30 day" thing. If it does help, my ex always talked about us getting married (actually, he said it like it was a given fact) and he was deeply in love with me (I could plainly see it) and always wanted to do things together. My behaviors toward him hurt him countless times I think, and he couldn't take it any more. I intend to never repeat those actions again if we ever get back together and I let him know that in the process of me begging to him.
Also, what should I do when I can't see him physically? My appearances won't really affect anything since he can't see it anyway. He lives so far away. I did plan on going to his place during fall break this year, do you think I can still do that if things go okay and we can be friends again? Will that change anything? I'm not even sure if he wants me to come.
If things are going well with the texting and calling, then instead of asking him out for coffee, you can just ask him to catch up on skype. After a while, you can plan a trip to see each other. Yes, there is still hope for you guys.
Thanks for the reply Kevin.
Today I sort of tried to talk to him again (I know, it's against NC rule) just to see if he was sick of me to the point he's ignoring me, or he just wanted time to think. Turns out, it was more of the latter. He said "I'm in a weird position honestly, I want to support and help you but I don't want you to get a wrong idea from it" I then decided I should just let him go and become friends with him, hopefully in the years to come he and I'll have something very special. He seemed suspicious at my sudden change of behavior (I was surprised at myself as well by how okay I felt at accepting friendship with him) but became a lot more responsive and nice after deciding I meant what I said.
Then I wanted to talk to him on Skype so he called me, and all I wanted at first was to hear how he honestly felt about me on that day we talked last before he went silent for two days and broke up with me. He told me he still loved me then, so I asked "did you mean it or did you just say that to see my reaction? C'mon, be honest." and his reply was unexpected. He said he did mean that, so I asked "I still am not sure how your feelings for me from then flat out disappeared in two days" and he said "I still have residual feelings from it" and one thing led to another of long discussions about us (which wasn't what I planned to talk about but might as well) and now he said he will consider us being together while we stayed friends for a few weeks.
Basically, for now we are in no talking phase because he wants time to think. When that's over, I'll be his friend until he gets his feelings sorted out (and he said if I manage to not talk to him during these few days, he will give me serious consideration. I wanted to gain his trust for me again enough for him to give me another chance. Mind, this time I was not being desperate or needy.)
Now I'm confused. It feels like things could work without the NC. What do I do? I don't want to disappear from him while he gives himself time to think and find out I stopped talking to him for whatever reason. That'd break his trust in me completely. Right now the biggest thing I need from him is trust because I never kept promises for him during the relationship even when he seriously talked to me about them.
Do you think what I'm doing is okay? Maybe after we become friends for some weeks and if he decides he still can't trust me enough to be in a relationship again, would that be okay then for me to disappear for a month? Can I give us a try like that until I decide NC will have to be my only option left? Am I just being dumb?
You have to do NC right now since both of you agreed to not talk till he sorts out his feelings. Consider this as part of no contact. If he contacts you, and you think you still need some time, then tell him so and tell him you will contact him back after a while. Don't just disappear, whenever you decide to do no contact, tell him you need space and time for yourself.
Kevin,
thanks for your respond the other day, and for your everyday advice emails. I've been keeping up with the no contact, but today I had to make contact. We went and filed for divorce, she had been harassing me for the past few days about it. So I went her, but I didn't sign them because she wants to keep the house, car, everything, joint custody with child support. I said no to her and walked away when she started to yell at me in front of the people and our 3 year old. Although, I still love her very much I feel like I have no choice but to fight for it. She keeps telling me that she has moved on, has met a few guys, and none are serious, but she swears on our children that she no longer loves me in any way, nor that we are ever getting back together. She is dating this guy who lives in another state, she goes out of her way to visit him. Plus, it has been almost 10 months since we have split, and no intimacy. My kids is what hurts me the most, I wish things could've worked out months ago, but with every day that passes by, and she spends more time with this new guy, the more I except the fact in which she is indeed OVER ME!!
I am glad you didn't let her walk all over you. I think it's time you start concentrating on moving on as well.
Are there other things to buy for more information? I just started the program after finding you a few days ago. I made all the classic mistakes of contact and begging. I sent a text a week ago so I'm in the no contact phase for at least 60 days. I'm thinking June right now. Last I spoke she was adiment about never getting back. Is there hope?
Yes, there is hope. Use relationship rewind to get back in touch in June. All the best.
Hey kevin. me and my girlfriend just broke up recently. We broke up because, we had gotten to a big fight that had escalated really bad. We broke up because, we would always get into fights and almost break up but I would always pull her back in, and I know this was her last straw and I wasn't able to talk her into staying with me this time around. We also broke up because, I did get needy and annoying during our last moments. Also because she said she doesn't see herself dating me in the future and I mean like having a future with me (Which I dont think is true..) But anyways the last couple of days I did make the mistake of contacting her and whatnot, and telling her that I would never give up on you no matter what and how I would wait for her and that i'll always love her. I was being needy and desperate and I understand my mistake there. For me, I just don't think its over 100% I feel like if she takes this space from us and gets it she'll eventually will forget the bad times and we can possibility get back together. The problem is we arent talking right now, and we both agreed not to, but she will let me know when she can give me the rest of my things. I don't really need them, but whenever she does contact me wouldnt that break the no contact rule? Should I just keep prolonged it if she does contact me, and let her know im busy and cant meet up. I really do want to get back with her and I know I do, and im willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, and that means going through this break up and thats fine. Because, ill get to use the time to improve myself, and she'll come back to a even better man. I just dont want to screw up again when I get the second chance, so any advice is welcome. Thanks Kevin!
If you really need the things, then get it back from her when she contacts you. If you don't need it immediately, tell her you need space and time right now and you'll take it back from her after a while.
Thanks Kevin! I just hope things work out and we do get back together because I really do love her. Even if she says she doesn't see a future in us, isn't all entirely bad right? When we do meet up for my things, how should I go about things with her.. I also bought us promise rings a long tkme ago and planned on giving it to her when she graduates this June. Idk what to do with them, would giving them to her be too much right away or should I wait to give it to her. I just don't want to screw any chances of getting back together with her
Don't give her the ring until you are already back together. I hope things work out for you too. All the best.
Thanks Kevin, we are meeting up for lunch on the 29th and I will be NC till then. She knows how I feel about everything and she knows that I want to be with her still, but she is still sure she doesn't want to be with me. I really don't know what to do when I see her on the 29th, because I really want to win her back
Just have fun and be yourself. Don't show any signs of neediness and make some positive changes in your life till then.
Hi Kevin,
Is there such a thing as waiting too long to try and get someone back? I think he's moving on and right now he won't talk to me so I'm starting your 5 step plan and I was wondering is 6 months a long time to wait to attempt to try again? And how would I be able to go about showing him that things are different?
Yes, there is. That's why I recommend only 30 days. 6 months is a long time, but it can still work depending on your situation. You make some positive changes in your life and when you meet, he will pick up on those changes himself. You don't have to show him anything.
(I reported this here because I don't think you could comment anymore) I told him that I was ok with the breakup and it made me realize what I did wrong such as being needy and controlling and I was like that because of what he did (text some girl for 2 weeks) and I thanked him for doing the breakup because I realized that. He said he was sorry that he f’d everything up and hope someday we could be friends. He started being extremely nice after I said that to him. And now we are friends texting somewhat. It’s been a month so I don’t see a problem with us being friends. And maybe we will even be able to hang out. Do you think he still has any feelings for me? He told me he cares about me and that’s why he wants to my friend and he misses me. But he told me he thinks I can care about him and move on at the same time. So kinda thinking he’s completely over me even though it hasn’t been long at all. What do you think of all this?
Hi Kev
My ex left me two weeks ago after we were together for nearly two years. We were always happy together and never had big fights. We communicated well and everyone said we were perfect together.
Out of the blue he left me saying he wasn't happy anymore and didn't love me or see a future together. I've been going through a lot of unhappy moments and haven't been myself and I know that was a big impact. I begged him to take me back (big mistake #1)
1 week later he started seeing somebody else. Naturally I asked him about it (big mistake #2)
I'm using the break up to get back to normal and to be happy but I know that we are perfect together and that we just had a tough few months.
What I want to know is if you think he will take me back if I follow your plan after he said that he doesn't love me anymore and with the new girl in his life
Please help and thank you for your article.
Yes, there is a chance he will take you back. But don't ask him to take you back. Let it be his idea.
Do you have advice when the girlfriend is long distance. 5 hours away by drive. I am in the no contact zone.
Well, basically follow the plan till the text part. Instead of meeting up, set up a chat on skype. Eventually you will have to plan a trip to meet. You can tell her you are visiting her city and you want to catch up.
Hey Kevin, hope you are doing ok! I decided to post this as a new case sine I am not sure if you keep checking old posts.
I just wanted to keep you updated and get your insight. As I explained in my previous posts I have been in and on and off relationship for the last two months (relationship lasted 8 months, she is 19, very mature…I am 33). 28 days have passed since the last time we broke up. I applied no contact for probably 10 days but it did not go well that time because my ex started to bother me and said a bunch of negative things. Since then we have been talking every couple of days but this has taken us nowhere: We keep arguing most of the times we speak and even though I do not want to push the relationship and get her back I sometimes end up doing it unconsciously so she starts rejecting me again. We argue because of the relationship topic only, the rest of the time we speak we are cool with each other and hanging out well. I saw her last Sunday (April 6th) for the first time in a month, we had an argument over a stupid thing but the rest of the night was perfect, we kissed each other, hugs and laughs…pure love! Next day (Monday) I saw her again cause she had a birthday gift for me and told me to pass by and pick my gift. Once again she gave me a lot of kisses and stuff, we had a great conversation late at night and she said she was going to make up her mind, get her feelings straight and have an answer for me. Yesterday (Tuesday) since everything was getting better I decided to talk to her and proposed her to continue on speaking terms and if that was going well maybe we could have a date. She basically rejected that option and was pretty clear that we had to stop cause this wasn´t bringing anything positive to our situation. That her decision of being alone and think on what she really wants is still what she would like to do, also said we keep arguing and she does not want to go back to the same. She accepts that her attitude hasn´t been the best since we broke up, that it has been negative and has also accepted that she has seen a significant improvement in the areas I had to improve even now that we are no longer a couple. We got to an agreement that we were not going to talk to each other for a month, until May 6. When I asked her about the chances of getting back together as of right now she said there is probably 30%-35% of chances of getting back together. I think she said that because we argued yesterday and I have pushed to continue on speaking terms, she is tired of me bringing the relationship topic and continue arguing with me. She did say yesterday she loves me (not as much as she used to nor she feels deeply in love) but cares about me, thinks a lot about me and misses me still. Also said that even our chances are set at 30% she realizes she probably needs her feelings to get at 70% in order to give us a try and she also knows she is probably capable of falling back in love with me in the future, she needs time to think since she knows I am still available and waiting for her, she said she wants to feel that I am not there anymore and that will help her make up her mind. I said I have been thinking a lot too and identified things that make me wonder if it would work again too and that this 30 day period is the best thing we can do since I am tired of arguing as well. I will wait those 30 days patiently and go on with my life since all I have done didn´t work. What do you think Kevin??I would like you to give me your insight on the situation; do you think I still have a chance?? Do you think she is serious about that 30% chance of going back or she is just saying that because she wants me to give her time and space??
Thanks for your help!
I must add that even though we have been in touch every couple of days and some other days we do not talk I have got to the point where I don´t feel as sad as I used to be, I am hanging out with my friends, surfing, working, doing different stuff. I have also realized that even though I want her back in my life because she is a great girl I can definitely live without her, go on with my life and be happy. I now can see that she isn´t perfect and started to think clear about positive and negative aspects of her and the relationship.
No reply for me Kevin?? I just wanted to get your insight on what she said about the 30% chances, if you think it could be true or she just said that because she feels that way right now since we continued talking about the relationship and arguing. I plan on giving those 30 days and if not move on. Do you think she will change her mind and finally decide to give us a chance??. Sorry for the long text but there is no one else I could talk about this. Thanks in advance for your help!
Your guess is as good as mine about that 30% thing. But I think you both made the right decision. There is definitely a chance of getting back together. I am glad you are doing better and you've realized you don't need her in your life to be happy.
PS: I do check old comments.
Thanks for your response. Great emails Kevin, you are the man!
Kevin,
My gf and I just broke up. We have been dating for two month's or just about and everything was fine and dandy. We both agreed that we were perfect for each other and had minor disagreements occasionally. Her 21st birthday came around and literally the day after she tells me that we are moving to fast and she doesnt know what she wants;even though she said I am perfect for her and that she has never been this happy in her life. We start off with a break then like two days later we end up breaking up. All my friends tell me to give her time which I am doing but she wants to visit this friday and return some of my stuff back to me as well as go on a hike. Should I cancel those plans and go through the no-contact phase or carry on with our plans but just act like a friend at the point and not bring up our relationship at all?
Go on the hike. Don't act needy and have fun. Then start no contact and follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
My ex and i recently broke up about 2 weeks ago and i thought it wasn't a serious problem. He broke up with me because "I always get jealous over his job" He is a photographer so of course i know he will be taking photos of other women but i told him that I really don't have a problem with it if i am the only one he is with. But he is very controlling and jealous. For example i cant talk to certain people or guys in general. It is hard for me to talk to my fellow male coworkers because of him, and sometimes i cant even wear certain clothing items. Yes, it sounds dumb but i really do want to be with him. At first i was crying and begging him not to leave but i feel like that only made it worse. We have been together for almost 2 years and I personally don't believe this is a legitimate reason to break up with me. I'm thinking about using the no contact rule but it is extremely hard. I always want to talk to him and text him but I can't. We go to the same college and take 3 classes together and it is so hard to not speak to him because we are partners in one class for a finals project. I'm so confused on what to do and how to handle the situation. I want to win him back but how? Please help!
Is it possible to change partners? If so, do it. If not, only talk to him regarding the project and nothing else and keep minimum contact. You need some time away from him. It seems he was the one was jealous in the relationship and he was projecting it on you.
Hi,
So I was dating this guy for about 4 months and he is a cop so their jobs are really demanding and he was doing well getting promotions etc Everything started out fine but the stress of the job started rubbing off on me because he wasn't making the same effort to spend time with me. Going home to sleep, ride his motorcycle, etc which I tried to be understanding of bc I know he needed personal free time and he is very independent. After 4 months though he invited me out to the bar with his friends and was really distant and when I asked him if he was mad he said no that he just felt we both needed space to find ourselves and organize our lives (Both early 20's, i'm going for my masters and his job as i've said is time-consuming) and that maybe we would get back together later. He has never done anything to make me feel suspicious of another women and that night he said he didnt want to see anyone else, just needs time... We havent talked, messaged or anything for a few days now and I just want to know if I should keep my hopes up or not :(
In my opinion, there is hope. Follow the plan. Give him time and make some positive changes in your life.
Kevin,
My ex and I were dating for nearly two years. We have been broken up for two weeks now and I have spoken to him twice in that time, once to beg him to take me back and another when i found out about the new girl in his life. I want to start your no-contact rule but I have a problem. I have to attend a function in a few days and he will also be there. How do I manage the situation. I know I will see him but i want to keep the no-contact rule in tact as much as possible.
Please help
Treat him like an acquaintance at the function. Don't have any conversation longer than five minutes. Be cordial. Be happy and confident.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I broke up after 7 months of dating. It all started from me seeing a post on Facebook and sending him a text message about it and saying hurtful things. After all was said and done he told me he was done with me and to move on he wants nothing to do with me. During our 7 months of dating we have been inseparable we have a great time with each other, I've met his family and vice versa. Long story short I've broke all the rules you stated and I want to know how to fix it and is there a chance of us getting back together?
Hi Kevin, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me after 4 months. I really thought that things were going really well with us as we never argued or fought before. The moment I questioned her about texting another guy, she wanted to call the relationship off. We only finalize the break up 2 weeks after our papers. Saying that we ought to be friends and us being together was another story. I tried to do so but she her replies became colder as the week passed. 2 weeks ago, I asked her how she felt about me. She saw me as a friend and told me that she had no intention of getting into a relationship now saying that she needed to get things in ordered in her life. A week later, I told her about my difficulty to move on and told her that I would only contact her when I felt things were right.
Please advice, what should I do in these circumstances? Thanks !
You did the right thing. Apply no contact for one month and then get back in touch using texts.
Hello Kevin,
My ex broke up with me about 30 days ago. Let me give you a bit of a background! I was in a long distance relationship since July 2013 (different countries). But we come from the same town and we went to school together but found each other again.
Our love was amazing! The kind you write stories about! Everyone envied us and loved us together and were so surpised when I said we broke up. I never felt that kind of magic before and when we were together, even though it was only about once a month, it was pure magic. We spoke everyday, for 3 hours. We planned our future, marriage, kids, travels. We texted all the time! But it then got to a point where I did not want to be in a long distance relationship and it was taking the best of me. I wanted to be with him and made the decision to move and in with him. But this decision was made too quickly because I really had not thought it through. It wasnt that I didnt love him I just was not ready to leave everything here as it had been my home for the last 7 years. He never seemed to understand which was fair enough I see now because he had never done anything like it and he had offered to move here but I dismissed it. But this became a big problem and he just could not deal with me being so unsure so he became unsure. In his mind our love was worth it all but things are not that easy and you shouldnt rush things. If we were in the same country I knew we wouldnt had moved in so soon. Also its a big thing to go through regardless!
I saw him and everything was ok we did have some arguments but there was so much love still but then we didnt speak for two days and he then broke up with me over the phone when I was back here. He said our love was pretend, that he didnt want me to move and he knew I didnt love him and that its over, that by being together we would make each other unhappy He kept me on the phone for an hour, dont know why he wouldnt just hang up if he was so sure.
I handled it extremely well and even though I did beg during the initial break up after we hung up I was fine and never contacted him again, which is very unlike me. I deleted him off facebook, I deleted my instagram so he wouldnt see what I was upto. I went about being happy and loving life here! I was actually really happy. I even got myself my dream job, been on 4 dates, enjoyed time with friends and actually was happy alone. So I actually followed your plan without even knowing it! Everyone was so proud of me and surprised how well I handled it. Until now. I woke up and realised I was not that happy without him. It was just easy as we were in different countries. I miss him terribly and I feel like we were just victims of circumstance and we would not have broken up or argued if we wernt in that situation. I want to tell him how it wasnt about him it was about not being ready to leave my beloved city and all my friends just yet. There is so much I want to tell him.
So now I want to see him. I am thinking of calling him and if he doesnt awnser see if it makes him curious and then a few days later call again or text. I have to go home next week for easter and I really really want to see him. I feel like the least id want is a face to face talk about why things went so badly. Help please! Where to go from here?
Yes, call him. Do exactly as you plan to do.
Hi Kevin,
So after you have finished the 'no-contact' period and you've sent the letter and now you're in the texting period. If I text her - "Hey, I just went roller skating, and it reminded me of how much fun we had roller skating together." Would that text be okay? Also, what if I text her that message, and she doesn't reply, what should I do? Should I send her another message along the lines of that? Or should I do something else?
Thanks!
Jason
Yes, it sounds good. Add something that prompts a response like "How have you been?" or "Did you know they added ____ to the roller skating place?" or "Actually, thinking about it put a smile on my face. How have you been?" If she doesn't reply, then you wait another week and send another text.
So, I have been doing NC for 8 days. I didn't tell him, just disappeared. So far I had two messages on day 2, not really worth answering anyway and yesterday night this "Hi [pet name] I hope you have gotten well this week (I had a cold as I disappeared). Perhaps we could meet some day soon and find out what to do with stuff. All the best [his pet name]" I am confused. Does he mean he wants his stuff back? Why do we need to meet and talk about that? If that is what he means though I don't want to be a jerk. Of course he can have it. What do you think?
He didn't actually ask for his stuff back. If he does ask clearly, like "Hey, I need my stuff back." then of course, you should reply. That message was just an excuse to talk to you.
thanks so very much for the quick answer. I thought it was a weird message too. He is probably just testing the waters. I guess that is a good thing isn't it? Let's wait and see
Hi Kevin,
So i've been dating this girl for a year now. Im 21 and shes 19. Every now and then we had a few bad fights along with with bad communication. However this time around, the fight was really bad and 6 days ago (Wednesday) she ended up telling me that she had "no more faith left in this relationship." Now knowing my stupid self, i did every single wrong move possible to try and get her back. That same day, I was crying on the phone with her asking her what went wrong. The two days after (Thursday & Friday) were followed by fights that I was trying so hard to avoid, which resulted in me violating another "do not rule" by just being a doormat. On Saturday I begged her to give me another chance. She did but it lasted for a day. And that day she hung out with another guy. Of course, I did the other "do not" and got jealous about it. So the next day, she broke up with me and told me that she wanted to be just friends. I did not react bad or anything, instead i told her that I know i messed up and shouldn't have reacted the way i did. She said nothing was my fault and that it was all her. She said that she still wants to be best friends so I decided to be friends with her and talk on a friendly basis.
Up until now, I have been talking to her everyday. We don't talk as much, probably exchange a few short text conversations a day. Both Sunday and Monday I talked to her on a friendly basis showing no intention of wanting her back. Today (Tuesday) I have not talked to her at all. I have just read this article and subscribed to your emails about 30 minutes ago, and think that this could possibly work. I have started working out and playing basketball at the gym every day now.
Now here is a question I have. Today I went on a date with a girl and the girl made it pretty public on twitter that she was on a date with me. I am pretty sure my ex saw this, do you think this will push her away or draw her closer, or neither? She doesn't know this girl and has never seen her before either and I really hope this won't push her away. I am still scared that it will.
So knowing that I broke every single "do-not" and already going on dates with other people, do you think that there's any chance that this method could work? Thanks in advanced!
I don't think so it'll push her away. It might make her jealous, and there is a slight chance she might go on a date just to spite you. But like I said in the article, you shouldn't worry about that. And yes, there is a pretty good chance it'll work.
Hi Kevin
I really appreciate what you have it, it is very nice of you for doing this.
I am 26 and my ex is 27, we were together for half year, She broke up with me 2 months ago.
Here is how I see what happened now: she is a very mature, considerate and caring girl. She has made me feel someone genuinely and unconditionally cared for me in every aspect of my life. Sadly, I didn’t even realize what I had and took it for granted. I didn’t see the hint she has been dropping and it hit me hard when she finally said that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I think she felt she was neglected, not been taken seriously, she sees me as still young and not trying to settle down and not mature.
After the breakup, I have realized what I had lost, and have said and done everything that I could have done to show that she will be loved. At one point, she almost seems to be willing to come back again. But she drifted away because I didn’t give her the space nor the time she asked, or maybe she has more rational reasons that I can’t find out now, she is not willing to have meaningful conversation or to see me now. And I am not sure If she is seeing anyone now.
I know I have acted poorly after the breakup, appeared needy and depressed. I feel like writing a letter to her before I start the NO Contact rule would be a good idea, This letter will focus on apologizing on my poor behavior after the breakup, her feelings, acknowledging how good she is, wish her well and let her know that I am putting her needs before my desire. By doing this she will start thinking I am not needy anymore and have changed or at least realized some important things before I stop talking to her. And maybe she will see me differently and have greater chance to miss me during non-contact time, and this will make me feel like it is easier to start the NO contact rule. But I need your advice ?
Michael
I recommend you send the letter after no contact is because it looks more legitimate at that time. If you send it to her immediately after acting needy, it'll look like a ploy to get her to talk to you. But if you send it to her after no contact, it'll look like you actually accepted the breakup during no contact and you are not just saying it to get her to contact you.
Hi Kevin
Thank you for your help. I have two questions really need your input,thanks for your time in advance.
I am on my 13th day of non contact after the break up, but we have broke up two month ago. I have read everything on your website, I know i should focus on self improvement and be happy, but i just can't, I still wake up very early thinking of her.. Whenever I think of her, i tried to distract myself or replaced the unwanted thought. I force myself to go out with people, trying to make new friends. but I ended up wanting be to alone, because i don't have the willpower to talk to them with all myself. or just in general, nothing really cheer me up. I think my friends probably don't want to hear me talking about this anymore, and tired of telling me just forget about her and move on. generally, i feel like i am in a depression, and i am scared of what i realize, i have never been like this. I have been telling myself this is an opportunity to know myself, to love myself and to grow. picking up hobby, making new friends or anything to distract myself, But all these seems like an escape for me, i am not healing ...
1) what should i do kevin ?
I think I was the one who neglected her and not give the love she needed. so she left, that really hurts me whenever i think of this. and knowing what a good girl i have missed. I feel like having the hope of getting her back( she replied me"not now" when i asked her if we are still possible in the future), and fear of that might not happen after this no contact is constantly bothering me. I don't know how painful i would be if she does not come back.. don't get me wrong , i really want her back, and i know the only way to get her back is being an attractive person again. but thinking for myself, i don't feel like my true healing will start or i can become a happy person if i still have hope and not letting her go .... my mind is conflicting itself ...
2) What should I do ?
Michael
Hey Michael,
I know how you feel and it's sort of a catch 22 that you have to let her go and sort of get over her to be happy. And you have to be happy in your life to get her back. I'll suggest you should start by accepting the breakup and realizing that she is already gone. You might get her back, but let's not concentrate on that right now. Right now just concentrate on the fact that she is gone. She is no longer in your life. You are single.
Give yourself some time to feel the way you are feeling. If you feel like being miserable for a while, then so be it. Sit at home and do nothing. Think about her, obsess over her for a few days. Start making a journal and start writing out your thoughts. Write down the reason you guys broke up, the reason you two were incompatible, write down what you want in your future relationships, write down what qualities you want in your future partner. Write down the negative qualities in your ex. Start organizing your thoughts about your ex. Don't try to stop them. Let them come. Accept them. Embrace them. And learn to let them go. Don't try to distract yourself just so you won't think about her. If you do so, you'll never really heal.
Hi Kelvin
Thank you for your time and patience. I guess the only thing i can do is be patient and focus on my self, tho it has been hard.
Today, I contacted her by accident, I was sending an email to dealer to tell my car's problem, but i didn't even know i actually sent the email to her until she sent a text to me asking "what was wrong with ur car"? I replied with "lol !!! I had no idea i sent the email to you" and she just said " ...okey" that was all... i didn't go on to tell her what went wrong with my car.. is this bad ? do i need to restart the NC ? if yes, why ?
You don't need to restart NC.
Hi Kevin,
For some reson the reply button is not shown here, so i will leave you a message here. I have wrote you an email with the letter I have wrote. as i didn't feel comfortable to post the letter here, I hope you understand and give me some advice.
Hey Michael,
I have been busy for the past 4-5 days. I'll get to your letter as soon as I'm done with all the comments.
1) I personally feel the way the sample letter write is simply not enough.
I want to tell her how i feel in some extent. and try to let her know that i have grow and become more mature.
Please let me know what you think, Always Appreciate your time and patience
2) I also feel like i have not accepted the break up.. i mean we all wanted to get back to her, I feel like not being honest.. and would not she think that i have gave up ? and that would be bad if she still have feeling for me right ?
Here is what I wrote
I am writing to let you know that I have made peace with where we are. I want to tell you from bottom of my heart, being with you was the most beautiful, heartwarming and precious thing that has ever happened to me.
It has been a while, I can see things more objectively, I can clearly see what has gone wrong with our relationship, and gained a much deeper understanding of myself and new perspectives. I no longer live in my own bubble, I have grew.
I can truly feel and really think for you in your Dior heels. I recognize and feel how much you have been disappointed and hurt. I appreciate every bit of you, love you are the way you are, despite all the perfections and imperfections. You have been always so brave and capable of loving, never gave up on looking for love. You give the one you love freedom and respect. You are compassionate, enduring and you love with a great passion. You are the most caring and warm hearted person I know.
MOST importantly, I just simply want you to have what you wish for.
Michael
Hey Michael,
Your letter screams that you are still in love with her and it sort of makes you look needy. In your past comment, you said you tried everything you did to get her back. I assume you told her at that time how much you loved her. Saying it again is going to put you back in that position.
The way I see it, talking too much about how you've changed makes it seem like that you are just saying it to get her back. It's a better idea to let her see it herself when you get back in touch with her.
Hi Keivn
Is it better now ? maybe you can help me to edit a bit ?
and do you think i could write the letter with a nice card instead of letter ?
and can i just drop the letter to her car at her work ? i want to make sure she gets it
I am writing to let you know that I understand the decision you have made, I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart, being with you was the most beautiful, heartwarming and precious thing that has ever happened to me.
It has been a while, I can see things more objectively, and I am beginning to see what has gone wrong with our relationship, and gained a deeper understanding of myself and new perspectives. I no longer live in my own bubble, I have grown, and I know it sounds silly, but I feel like I was so much younger when we broke up, even though it wasn’t that long ago.
I would also like to take this opportunity to express to you that I recognize the disappointment and hurt that you may have walked away from our relationship. I appreciate all that you have put into our relationship in the time that we had together.
Oh, and I have some good news! Love to fill you in.. But in the future, would not bore you here :P
Sounds good. I won't recommend a card. It makes it look like a romantic gesture. I don't see a problem dropping it to her car, but I'll recommend sending it by post.
Hi Kevin
I feel like i have messed up again, i sent the letter, she texted me the same day, we chatted a bit about some random stuff over the text... and I called her(stupid me !) ... I asked her to meet up before my coming business trip next week. she said she is busy.. and i push for a quick coffee, I said a quick coffee would not hurt right ? and she said no... i asked why. .. she said ..she doesn't want to.. and she said she will meet me after i come back... i don't know if she means it or just out of courtesy. if she does not mean it ..i really don't want to have false hope for another month.
Is this my fault ? i started to blame myself for being impulsive yesterday, it is really painful feeling. and feeling like my effort for this whole month is just gone ... Am i just having false hope ? i know i can't heal if i keep having false hope..
can you help to understand the situation better ? and tell me what to do ? NC again ? keep texting since i started ? or should i just move on ? Again, doing NC and having false hope and get shot down is really painful.. it reset all my healing effort ...your help is very much appreciated ..
Hey Michael,
It's your decision. There is always a chance that even if you try again, it will not work out. I know false hope can be dangerous. You have to weigh your options and decide what's best for you.
Hi Kevin, did you see my message ?
I think she would reply me when i ask something really doesn't matter much , but with very minimal input ... most case , she just says like yes.. no ..ok.. or just question marks .... what should i do ?
She is cold. You should back off and start no contact again. Or (as you mentioned in the previous comment), you should try to move on.
HI Kevin
Some Updates:
I have been exchange few texts over last week, she has been responding to my texts, but only during day time. she would not respond during nights and weekend. this make me think she is Occupied at night, perhaps dating someone already.... her attitude through texts are very indifferent to me.. only answers my questions .. rarely ask back .. Over the text, i asked if she has bought the boot as i know she needed one from long ago. and she said no.. so i offered like this " I think they probably have more stylish ones in Asia, Let me pick one for you ?" and she pretty much said yes. so now i am shopping shoe for her, which means i will probably have chance to see her as i need to give her the shoes, assuming she does not regret and not want the shoe anymore at the last minute.
So here is my question. 1. does it mean anything by accepting my offer to buy shoe for her ? am I supposed to not buy gift for her ?
2. I really have a feeling that she is seeing someone, but i don't know how to find out ? what is the best way to find out ? I was thinking i could just ask her over a text or maybe in person if i see her. what should be the exact word i should use to ask this question ?
Thank you so much for your help
Michael
1. Yeah, it means free shoes for her. No, I am against buying gifts for an ex unless you are on the verge of getting back together.
2. Don't ask her. It'll make you look needy. If she is seeing someone, you will eventually find out on your own. Don't try to pry it out of her or sneak into her social media looking for a clue.
Kevin
I am having dinner with her tmr, I think I undertood that I need to walk in with clean slate idea. but I really feel i need to know if she is seeing someone, cuz that will provide me info on how i should handle her ..whether i should give up or not ... cuz if she is totally moved on with someone, i don't think i should keep hurting myself by holding on to her..
since we are meeting in person , is there something subtle i can say to get this info without appearing desperate and needy ? other part of are thinking knowing this info might not do good to either of us .. but I still think being blinded is worse .. please provide some of your insight
I can't think of anything that will not give it away. Even if she is seeing someone, it doesn't necessarily mean she has moved on. The fact that she is meeting you probably means that she has not moved on completely.
Kevin
to add more information to my previous question, I think she is ignoring my message now again ...i said sry if she felt pushed ... she didn't reply...
Hi Kevin,
Wanna say that I totally believe in your advice and no contact,
Although I'm in a tricky position right now, you see my ex gf of 2months has eating disorder and is not receiving treatment. I was close I thought to getting her help but she has pushed me away since she went back to her home town. I worry a lot and yea it's been just 2months together but I have strong feelings. I haven't called or emailed for over a week, she ended it by text so we haven't spoken.
I wonder in this case should I maybe not leave it too long to contact her as I'm scared for her health, at the same time, I was a little needy towards the end as 1 I felt the distancing and 2 I was worrying myself crazy.
She's younger than me, and might just not wanna know, but I'm also afraid of her illness and it could be what's causing her to end things.
Any views?
Thanks
I don't think it's possible for you help her if she has broken up with you. Does her parents know about it? Does she have any friends who know about it? If there is no one else to help her, then perhaps you should stay in touch once a week and encourage her to get help. If she does have someone, then let them help her and you follow no contact and concentrate on yourself.
Hi Kevin,
My partner split up with me 7 months ago. Before that we were together for over 9 years and have a 2year old son together, living together for around 5 years and probably 4 years engaged). She always said she wanted to get married but I always told her that I felt that our relationship just had too many arguments and when things got better then we can certainly get married). Prior to the split we were planning to move overseas as I had been offered a job. 3 months after the split I left the country to pursue my new career. Before I left I said a brief goodbye to her and my son. Soon as I had arrived here she starting texting wanting to be with me again. 2 months after that she arrived in the country only to find out that this is not what she expected and decided that it would probably be best if she left the country and went back to home country as that is where her entire family were.
When she was here with me she spent most of her time on her phone texting her friends and family back home, we never ever had time to work on our relationship. To add to it she never had a job here, no friends, family nothing other than myself and my son. She spent everyday moaping around the house and to add to it she had our son who is extremely active the entire day as we had not yet put him into kindergarten. She used the lines that I had not changed and I am still the same person I was. I seem to think it was her that changed, she said that she had made new friends whilst I was away and that she liked going out with them, she also said that she had much more help with our son back home. Since she has been back (1month) we have text once or twice, buts she is very brief!
What do you think I should do in my case. Its difficult to do the 30 day no contact as I like to know how my son is doing and often send her text to ask.
I love her with all my heart and she says that she still loves me but we dont do well together. what to do...? what to do....?
Look forward to response
thanks
Hey James,
I think it's going to be an uphill battle to try to win her back as long as she is in the other country. I guess your best bet keep minimum contact with her for a couple of months and then start talking to her more. Then eventually ask her to give it a try again.
Thanks!
And we were together for 2 and a half years. I am 29 and she is 32.
Hello,
Can this plan work if your ex left you for cheating? I made a mistake. I thought she didn't love me anymore and I ended up making a horrible mistake then she found out and left me. I tried telling her it was a mistake and how sorry I was. Begged, pleaded and all those other things that apparently don't work. I love her but she said she can't get past it. Should I try this plan or just give up?
Yes, it can work. Make sure you use the letter in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my boyfriend 3 days ago, because I felt like I was in an unhealthy relationship. We had dated for 2 years. During those 3 days he kept calling and texting me and asking to get back together and promising that he would change and that everything would be different. Now, I really want to get back together with him (the changed him) and now he is telling me that he is done and that I had "made the right decision" by breaking up with him, even though I regret it a lot now. I want to get back together with him and I don't know what to do. :( Please help! Thanks!
Me and my girlfriend of 7 yrs broke up about 2 weeks ago. I am just devastated, losing my mind and everything. I come to find out that she is already talking to someone, and has already kissed the guy as well, 2 days after breaking up with me. She has told me they are just talking, she is not pushing for anything serious at the moment. I told her "Did we break up because of him?" and she says that he didn't have no type of influence in the decision. even though she has liked the guy for some time now. This past Sunday she came over and we talked and stuff, and one thing led to another and we ended up being intercourse. The night before on Saturday she was with the guy as well. They ate out in a restaurant and already met one of my ex best friends. The intercourse on Sunday I don't what it really meant. I don't know if it was a "good bye sex" or what but even before that i just talked to her about how much I missed her and all the good times, and everything she means to me. Im confused, i need help. I havent talked to her since sunday night April 6, 2014. So what would be my best advise? Its killing me knowing that the guy she likes as well works with her in her accountant firm.
Follow the plan Chuck. The new guy is probably a rebound. You have a good chance of getting her back.
Well, that's the thing. She say's she really like this guy. This guy was also in a 7 yr relationship recently and broke up with his girl as well 2 weeks before me and my girlfriend broke up. Now they are going to have there first "Date" Saturday night. I'm freaking out because how can this happen so fast. She was with me 7 yrs and already 2 weeks broken up and they are going out on a date?
It's a rebound. That's how rebounds happen. It's normal. I know the feeling sucks but there is literally nothing you can do to stop them. All you can do is act cool about it and stop acting needy.
Kevin, so my ex and I were together for about a year and half and everything was going great until we both started to use drugs. I had been using for the last few years, and when our relationship started to get serious we moved in together. When we moved in together she started to use with me and it started to slowly rip our relationship apart. After time we both decided that we needed help, and she ended up going to a rehab a few hours away, and I decided to stay and get help here. Before she left we decided that we needed to do this to save our relationship and our lives. After about 2 weeks or so she called me and told me that she didn't think that our relationship was going to work because or our past drug problems. She completed her stay at rehab and decided to go live in a Oxford house in the outer banks, NC. As far as I know, she is going to be there all summer long. After getting clean and working on the things I was doing wrong in my life, I want nothing more then to have her back and show her the love I never showed her. We talked briefly when she was home for a couple days before she left for the OBX. I have texted her one time since she left, and I could just use some advice on what I should do to try and get her back and show her that I am sorry and I love her.
Hey Kyle,
Just give her some time (one month or two) and then get back in touch with her. Use the texts in the article.
Hi Kevin,
So my Ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. I'm 18 and she's 19. She dated some guy for like a month after, but they broke up. She then contacted me again through my sister in law and we started talking again. We have been talking for 3 months almost every day. I asked her out about 4 times throughout those months and she would ignore when I would ask and then the next day she would talk to me and never answer the question, so I would just let it go. She says she still loves me and says she's not ready to date yet. I have attempted no contact with her about 2 times, but has only lasted about a week when I would get a reaction out of her. It seemed to do something because it boosted her feelings for me more. We would learn more about each other about what we didn't know and she told me a secret she has not told anybody, so I feel like she trusts me. We have talked about our past relationship a couple of times and says she's sorry for everything and regrets it. We talked in person 3 times out of the 3 months only for a minimal amount of time. She would text me mostly throughout the days, never on the phone. She says she wants me in her life and says there is a reason why I am in her life etc. Though, the past 2 weeks she has not talked to me. I was the last one to initiate contact. Could I have done something wrong? I would feel so close to winning her back and be put right back at square 1. Please help..
James, I replied to you here.
Hello Kevin again,
I contacted my ex telling him that I was going to remove him from my social sites because I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I told him I wasn't going to be able to be friends like this because it is not healthy for me because I am still attached. He message back saying why cant I be friends? I miss you. I told him I missed him also but couldn't do. He really believes that we can be friends seems like he really doesn't want to lose me completely and he said he was going to text me but he didn't know if I wanted him to. I really do want him back but don't know what to do now.
It's OK. If he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space and time right now and maybe you can get back in touch after a while.
I told him again I could not be friends because my feelings were attached and I needed to move on. He told me "Do you want to date me again? Because then I understand if you don't want to be friends". I'm really hurt and confused why is he saying he misses me now and then shutting down all options of us dating again. Then I told him I would like to talk to him as friends but I am trying to move on. And he says we can talk about anything completely ignoring the fact that I'm telling him I can't talk because I have feelings for him. What does this mean? Is all hope lost? He's talking to other people so I don't see why he wants to talk to me so badly if he doesn't want to ever get back together. He has other girls to talk to. Thanks again
I asked him why does he want to talk to me? And all he said was because you said you had things to talk to me about as if he didn't just say he missed me and wanted to talk before I said I had things I would have liked to talk about to him. I told him to have a great and beautiful life and he said likewise. I think all hope is gone. Btw we are only 19 I'm thinking he's just not ready for our relationship. Really hurts because we were together for so long that he only wants a friendship and now we don't even have that.
Because he doesn't want to lose you. He thinks if he cuts contact with you, it'll be easier for you to move on and the thought of you moving on scares him.
I told him that I was ok with the breakup and it made me realize what I did wrong such as being needy and controlling and I was like that because of what he did (text some girl for 2 weeks) and I thanked him for doing the breakup because I realized that. He said he was sorry that he f'd everything up and hope someday we could be friends. He started being extremely nice after I said that to him. And now we are friends texting somewhat. It's been a month so I don't see a problem with us being friends. And maybe we will even be able to hang out. Do you think he still has any feelings for me? He told me he cares about me and that's why he wants to my friend and he misses me. But he told me he thinks I can care about him and move on at the same time. So kinda thinking he's completely over me even though it hasn't been long at all. What do you think of all this?
He does have feelings. If you made positive changes in your life, then he will notice when you meet up and get attracted to you again. All the best.
hi kevin,
My ex has been contacting me and calling me but he does not let me calls him. He would offer himself to call me if I wanted to talk. But he always ended it after about 20 minutes as he does not prefer calling much. We had been texting everyday but he does not shows any signs of getting back. But that day, I met with an accident and I told him about it. He immediately gave me a call. And he told me he will come back to our college. And I asked him would he help me with the car? He say, we'll see about that. haha. We broke up due to my attitude of neediness, controlling and I wasn't myself during the relationship. I'm thinking of talking to him about furthering this relationship during June if he keeps on continuing showing postive signs like this. Coz I want him to think about it during the holidays but not sounding needy just by telling him, I'm still waiting. Do you think it would be a good idea?
Yes, it's a good idea. IF you haven't applied no contact till now, do it for at least two weeks.
How do I approach this contact? I can only email her or call her at work? I think I will wait two months.....hope its not to late :-( hopefully she will contact me first, I hope.
Email.
Hi Kevin,
Firstly, thank you for this – I loved reading it and it has given me a lot of perspective. I wanted to share my story and hear your thoughts.
Until recently (2 weeks actually) I had been with my husband for almost four and a half years. We have been married for almost two and a half years. We never argued and were perfect until earlier this year when he showed signs of depression – which we later realised that it was because he was going through bereavement for losing his mum end of 2012. I was waiting for it to hit and it took more than a year. He was really struggling to deal with it – said he was unhappy and didn’t know why. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it and did every single thing that I think I wasn’t supposed to (email, messages, calls, endless talking) and basically made myself unattractive, needy and desperate. It was the panic of losing him that pretty much turned me into a nut job!
Ok, so two Sundays ago, he said he wants to end it – said he loved me and was attracted to me but did not want ‘us’ anymore. He said he wanted us to be friends and hang out – to which I totally agreed because I was still in that panic state. But great advice from friends put some wisdom in me. I seized all communication. I didn’t even tell him. I am close to his sister – so she told me that she had to explain to him that I needed space. And he kept saying ‘but she said it was ok to hangout’. The first week he sent a text saying that he is coming over and I said I had plans. Later on that week he sent another text saying ‘how about we hang out on Friday’ and I said ‘I will let you know when I am ready to hang out’. Didn’t stop him from sending another text on Saturday – that I ignored. He has stopped texting so that’s good. But he keeps asking his sis for updates on me. I met up with her on Saturday and we had a lovely long chat (not all about him, mostly fun stuff and old relationships). She said she cannot make head or tail of what’s going on with him. But he just keeps to himself (he, the sis, her bf and dad live in the same house up the street from our flat).
Anyway, first week was tough, first weekend was kinda worse, second week it got better, the weekend was worse than the first weekend. This is the third week and I am feeling better. Still a bit empty and lonely but I am dealing with it.
Now this is interesting. Before the break up, I ordered him something that he wanted. It is a soft toy that he was trying to get in the arcades because he is obsessed with this cartoon (he works in a school so gets influenced by the kids sometimes). Anyway, I gave it to the sis to take it over to him and he wanted to call me to thank me or send a text and was asking her advice... then he asked her if he sent a text, would I reply and she said ‘probably not’. And he went ‘oh..’ not the happy ‘oh’.
The other thing that I offered is as I am working and it is term break, I have offered for him to spend a couple of week days in the flat (which I have super cleaned! It was getting really messy towards the end of our relationship). His dad’s place is quite small and the dad and sis’ bf works from home – so I thought that would give him a bit of space. As long as I don’t see him or interact with him, that’s fine. I have my own routine when I get back anyway. Anyway, I was hoping that this will help give him some perspective in terms of what he can have.
I am going to keep this up for over the 30 day period. Because firstly, this will go on till after term break and after that, his sis and bf are on holiday for three weeks. This will leave him alone with his dad – who is accustomed to the sis doing everything in the household. So that might give him more perspective when he is expected to pick up the slack. He kinda had the good life with me because I did everything and looked after him really well. Pampered him too much maybe.
But you are absolutely right! The cutting off communications has worked for me – meaning me getting over the panic stage and thinking about things that make me happy, catching up with friends and finding myself.
Bereavement when a son loses his mother can be a life changing event. He was not seeing clearly and I was not helping. I am hoping (along with the rest of the family) that he comes to his senses and see that he is giving up on the best thing that happened to him..
Do you think, with the right distance and space, he will come to his senses?
Thanks Kevin!
Yes, I do think so. I think you are handling everything very well. All the best.
hi kevin
i worte in a reply to what you answerd me but am writing again becouse i dont want you to miss it and waiting for your reply so i will know how to act or what to do :
so just to remind you what is the case:
my girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years. during the 2 years period we lived together for 1.5 years.
i am 33 years old, she is 23 years old.
in spite the age differences we had great love and everything seemed to be working really good.
a couple of months ago she broke up with me , telling me she feels that she wants to explore life more, try new things, maybe travel, maybe traveling , but then after 1 week she came back because she loved me and wanted to try regardless of her wishes , of course i offered her my full support with whatever she want to do and will try to be by her side and will not let the relationship stand in her way.
since then time went by and a week ago i got home from work and she broke up with me ,it was a complete surprise for me as things where going really good.
this time she tole me that she cannot escape her desire to be alone, she is maybe thinking on going to live in a different country, maybe she will start her degree in a far place, she want to try new things, to just be by herself and search inside her soul what she really wants. she does not know how much time it will take, maybe 6 months , maybe 1 year, maybe 2…
after the brake up she moved back to her parents house and we scheduled to meet up and finish the relationship with a good talk.
she asked me not to ask for her to stay because she is determined.
last night 5 days after the brake up, we met at my flat. we drank wine, talked about the past , complimented each other, i told he i believe in her and i thank her for everything. she told me im amazing and if she was a little older there is no way she would have let me go we laughed and when i told her that i am not going to ask her to stay because im 33 and want stability in my life she started to cry after much wine and talking we went to bed and had amazing sex, out of control and full with passion.
then she left , i texted her that i had a great time, and she answered that she had a great time and that she is happy we met and left a sweet memory from this realansioship.
and now there is a recent devolopment:
she called me sunday night, crying, telling me she is coming to pick all her stuff tommorrow (yestrday) , i was cool during the conversation, and she asked me how i am doing, telling me its hard for her, and saking me how was my day and other questions..
after 40 minutes talk i did a mistake and asked her if she want me to come and pick her up for a sleep over. she said its very tempting but she cant and then said she will come tusday night (tonight).
yestrday she picked all of her stuff , i was at work , she called me after telling me she left the key and took everything, i asked if we are meeting today and she said it will not be a good time for her to meet up but she will come on friday night, i ansewrd her that if she does not want to come i will dont want it to be out of preusure or somthing . and she said that she wants to come.
i want to see her and be with her (yes also sex). but i feel that maybe she will make like more easy for her and not for me… mabye it will help her gradully move on instead of doing it in one go or maybe she is afriad of being alone
maybe im wrong, and meeting her having a nice date togther and fun time , great sex will give me back a chance of winning her over?
im confused , please tell me what you think so i can excute it.
i want to get her back..and if it will mean telling her not to see her then i will , but if that is the case how am i doing it while leaving a chance for future? and when will i contact her?
or maybe seeing her is not a bad idea and she miss me too?
im so confused right now, and waiting for your ansewr.
thank you!
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin,
I signed up to receive your emails and at some point you mentioned that I should not block my gf in Facebook. The problem is: I did that when we broke up. I also blocked her in whatsapp.
We don't live in the same city. I think she might try to contact me again in a 2 months, when she will be back here.
How to proceed? Should I unblock her and try contact or just wait.
Today is the 30th day of the no contact rule.
Thanks a lot!
It's OK. Unblock her when your no contact is over.
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and I'm still having a hard time accepting that he is serious. We met 4 months ago and were inseparable. I normally wouldn't be so devastated over something so short, but there is this intense connection between us and I thought he was the one. We both discussed how natural it felt to be together and how scary it was that it happened so fast, but we both agreed that it felt right. He told me that he wanted to live together so we started looking for places and we're prepared to move this month. He also wanted to take me back home to meet his family next week and told me how excited he was. He would always show me affection, compliment me, and could barely go a few hours without sending me a text telling me how much he missed me and loved me. Our entire relationship was loving, sweet, playful, deep, and fit to go the distance. Then out of no where he breaks up with me last week telling me that he can't be with anyone else and can't do a real relationship. He said that I did nothing wrong and it was his fault for feeling like he couldn't devote time and energy into another person.
He is getting his PhD right now and can be considered a little quirky, he sticks to a strict routine in order to stay on top of everything and has anxiety issues when he feels overwhelmed. He had done this once before after getting stressed out about school but immediately took it back once he calmed down and I assured him that I would stick by his side no matter how intense school got for him. I thought once he had some time to breathe he would change his mind but he hasn't.
We went a few days without speaking and then last night he texted me just to chat about random stuff. Once I found out he was doing schoolwork I told him not to let me bother him and he said "this was not a bother."
I feel like there's no way our relationship could possibly be over at this point. We were too great a match, and made too many plans for the future together.
Please help! I love him and really do feel like he's my match.
Hey Leslie,
All you have to do is follow the plan. In your case, I'll recommend you keep no contact for just 2-3 weeks.
I'm so confused. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago through one of her friends.Saying she couldn't do it anymore and that she had felt trapped, controlled, and felt I could never trust her for a while now.Also that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Two days after text me apologizing and saying she wants forgiveness and understanding. I tell her not to dwell and she replies "Ok. Well bye then Ari."I didn't respond back. A few days later, its my birthday and I get a text saying"Hey Ari, I hope you have a very happy birthday." I don't reply til the next day because I was out having a good time."Thank you" she replies Your very welcome....What is she doing? on top of all this she still has some of my things at her place..What's going on? I can't figure it out,I've asked friends their opinion and keep saying that it seems like she upset with me. What do I do?
Hey,
Like I said in my comment over here, you should follow the plan. Her texting you on your birthday doesn't really mean anything. So don't overthink it.
Hi! I did no contact for 2 and a half months and it worked like a charm. We met me when we were thirteen and started dating when we were 17 and were together for four years. I swear we have loved each other since the day we met. I broke up with him bc he didnt seem to care (I def had intentions of getting him back and so did he in the beginning), we agreed we could see other people, I did, he got pissed and didnt even want to see me from november thru february. A friend told me last month he was literally crying (he never cries) in his truck to my friend for an hour about how he misses me and wants to settle down and blah blah blah. I texted him on his birthday last week, he was really friendly, I asked if i could buy him a birthday drink that Wednesday, we did and it was great. Very light and we just had fun. Hugged goodbye, we have been texting like every other day since last wednesday (just upbeat small talk) and his texts are still friendly but im usually the one to text first but he is the one who keeps the convo going. If i dont text back within a half hour, he texts me again.. When/how do I know the appropiate time to ask him to hang out again? I dont think he will ask me as he told my friend he thinks i have moved on. I also dont want to scare him off obiously. Advice? Thanks so much :)
Hey Jess,
If it has been a week or more than that since you last met, ask him out again. It won't scare him. Think of someplace interesting to go to where you'd have something to do other than just talking.
Hi Kevin
How do you think, will NC work if he told me that he doesn't love me anymore? but he said he just wants to be friends and doesn't want to lose me..
Thanks
Yes, it will. Tell him you need some space and time and then start no contact.
Kevin,
I am 37 and my ex is 35. I have never been married and have no kids, and my ex has been married before and has two boys age 7 and 13. My ex and I fell in love at first sight. It was a whirlwind of emotions and an engagement came 7 months later. 6 months later I was falsely accused of a crime and arrested. We had to call off our summer wedding, but my ex and I secretly dated and we were together for another 11 months. I moved closer to her, but my case never had an end in sight. She asked for a break in February due to the stress of my case, the stress from her child custody hearing with her awful ex, and these sudden feelings she had for a guy "friend" at church. I was upset at first and we had a few discussions back and forth via texts, but I have been giving her space for the last 40 days now. She has been doing friendly activities with this guy like hiking a couple times, game night with the kids, and a movie with the kids too. She did text me three weeks ago asking what is going on with my case and asking when it is going to be over. The good news is it looks like in 10 days it will all finally end. I will notify her when it's over, and then follow your guide to win her back. I know the stress of all of this is what caused her to ask for a break, and I am hoping this guy is just a distraction (he just went through divorce #2 as well). Any advice for someone in my situation?
Yes, get back in touch when it’s over. Then slowly start texting her and eventually ask her out.
Hey Kevin. After three weeks of no contact I texted my ex and said that I watched a movie that we watched the first time I was at her place and said that it reminded me of her. I asked her how she was doing and we texted for a good 40 minutes. Everything went fine and she didn't seem bothered by me at all. Now my question is, how should I continue this? We attend the same school and were in the same class so it's a little awkward if I only text her and then in school I ignore her. I have an idea of asking her if she wants to meet up in a week or something but what would you recommend that I do?
Sincerely, Johan
Don't ignore her completely at school. Treat her like an acquaintance and be cordial. Continue texting and then ask her out as you plan to do.
Great article!!!! Well I need help, to sum up we both were our longest relationship (1 year and 2 months). Even before dating i was clear to him that I would be eventually moving out to California, I'm currently living in boston. Anyways he was getting serious about us but he wanted me to stay and I got scared and started pushing him away until he broke up with me. Problem is we work together and though we broke up on friendly terms (stupid thing to do really) it did not end well. That was around november last year. I started a cold war around December because he was acting like a douchebag and it wasn't healthy for me in any way so I chose to ignore him by text and at work. It has been 5 months since we broke up and 3 of ignoring each other completely. Truth is I'm over this stupid but at that moment necessary cold war. Should I text him that from now on I won't avoid him anymore at work because at this point looks stupid? I don't want to get back with him cause I am movin g out in about 4 months but I am tired of avoiding eachh other at work... Need help -.-
Sure go ahead. But if you don't want to get back together, you are inviting confusion and mixed feelings by getting back in touch with him. Are you sure you can handle that. Wouldn't it be easier to just keep ignoring each other for 4 more months and have the peace of mind you have currently?
You're amazing haha really. I mean I do have peace now but it stresses me when I decide to take my lunch at the breakroom and i see he is there I inmediately turn around and go somewhere else. Should I keep doing that? I mean avoiding being in the same room ? Or just stay and don't care if he likes it or not? And about the the text I thought about saying that as coworkers I would treat him like a coworker by stop avoiding him and saying hello even if he didn't reply back but that if he wanted to keep avoiding me is fine by me. Just he can't expect the same from me anymore. But after reading what u said maybe I shouldn't warn him and just stop avoiding him (I would still stick to the cold war lol) . What you think? Thank you so much btw!!!!
I think you shouldn't text him but stop avoiding him like that. Don't make yourself uncomfortable just for the sake of avoiding him.
Hey...
My fiance of four years broke up with me five days ago. I have just told him gently that I cannot be in contact for a while, since he texted me asking if I wanted to go to the movies with him and some of our friends. (He apologized after his mother -who loves me and is heartbroken about our break up- told him it was inappropriate to ask me to just be friends after 5 days).
I know exactly where and why our relationship went wrong, and we ended it not with a "I don't love you" or a "I don't want you in my life", but with him saying he didn't know who he was anymore and he needed to be on his own. I completely understand, but it's still hugely painful. He had always treated me like a queen, and sure, we've had disagreements, etc, but never anything bad.
He'd always gone above and beyond to show me how much he loved me, and frankly, no one saw this coming. Only I knew how co-dependent we were becoming, especially him, and I think some time apart would be good for us. A total break up, on the other hand, was a bit of a shock. But I am dealing with it, and our friends our very supportive and kind. I just don't really know what to do with his trying to just be friends all of the sudden. I have never been through something like this, and I know I most definitely want to be with him again someday.... just not right now. When we have both had time to re-evaluate our lives and find ourselves again, perhaps.
I feel lucky that his mother is so supportive and kind to me, and hopes that I will succeed in getting back together with him someday. That isn't common, and I am grateful that after everything, she still considers me family and loves me. It's really helped me find some peace.
I'm planning on making a bunch of positive changes in my life, and I hope and pray he does the same, and can find happiness without me first, so, hopefully, we can someday be happy together again.
I look forward to reading your emails etc. Thank you for this!
~Kristi
Also, tomorrow would have been our four year anniversary of engagement.... so it gonna be a rough day for me. Must find a suitable distraction!
Hey Kristi,
You didn't ask a question, so I will just tell you that I think you two have a pretty good chance of ending up together in the future and wish you best in your life.
Thank you... I appreciate it! I didn't really have a question. I suppose most of them were answered via the article above. I mainly wanted to say thanks in advance and how much I appreciate any assistance. ^_^
Hey Kevin,
I got dumped about 4 weeks ago. We had been together for a little over 2 months. It was short, but we started fast and were both really happy and excited. Then she started having feelings about commitment she didn't understand, said she just needed to think through them and that everything would be fine. A couple weeks after that, she told me she was thinking about breaking up with me but it made her so sad, she decided not to. Then two weeks later, she did break up with me, saying she just didn't see a future for us. I took it really well, was mature, didn't try to change her mind. I told her that wasn't what I wanted but respected her decision, told her that I had been happy with her and thanked her for everything.
A week after that, she texted me about her cat. I responded, but didn't prolong the conversation.
Then this past weekend, I decided that if everyone else gets to have moments of weakness, than so do I! I had walked past a place where she had done something silly on one of our first dates, and told her I passed it and hoped she was doing great. I didn't think she would respond, but she did. In addition to responding to my note, she also said she misses my smile. Why would she say that?! She's the kind of girl who makes up her mind and doesn't go back, yet she misses my smile.
It seems to me like there is a chance. I did no contact for 4 weeks, except for when she texted me 3 weeks ago. I'd really like to ask her to walk my dog or something in another couple weeks. What do you think?!
Thanks!
Go ahead. Everyone changes their mind when they realize they made a mistake. She is no different.
Kevin,
Hi. About three years ago, I was courting a girl that I really liked and she had feelings for me as well. I took her on a date, wined and dined her, and we shared our first kiss. I shared my feelings with her a couple of days later, and she said she felt the same way. She showed interest in wanting to date me, but changed her mind later (Not knowing her past, she had just ended a relationship before she went on a date with me). At the time, we lived about three hours away from each other and I was in a pretty rigorous school, and she was in nursing school. She later shared with me that she couldn't balance school, a long distance, new relationship, and get over her ex all at the same time. Obviously, I was pretty devastated, and like your article, I exhibited some of the same traits we as humans do when we want to hold on to something precious. As a result, I could feel she was growing annoyed and uninterested, and as a last ditch effort, I asked if I could send her a gift...she said yes. I sent her the gift (which was a hand-made card with a short, friendly note, and non-vulgar jokes on the opposite side, and a small stuffed animal). She hated the gift (I think she was just conceding when she said I could send her something, I think she was dating someone else at the time, and did not know how to tell me), blocked me from Facebook, and emailed me saying that she thinks it's best not to contact her anymore. So, I have not contacted her since. It's been three years and I still think about her. I noticed about three months after she sent that email, she unblocked me from Facebook, but I was not sure if that meant anything or not.
What do you think?
If it's been three years, you should contact her. If her reply is favorable, then ask her out. If not, move on.
Hi Kevin,
So I do what have you suggested for me and now I'm only in two days of NC. Life has been good and I managed to go on but sometimes still thinks about him. But today suddenly he text me asking why I treat him like that (for being angry and yell at him for what he does which was lied to me). So I think he is still angry and need explanation but I didn't text him back yet cause I don't know if I should do that or continue my NC. What do you suggest? Thank you.
Continue no contact. If he contacts you again, tell him you need some space and time you will appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I were together for four years. In November we decided to take a break from each other for a few weeks. I was going through some depression issues and we were both a little unhappy in our own lives. We spent a couple days apart from each other but continued to be together for another two months. We did not spend the same amount of time together as we did before, but when we were together everything was great.
In February, she told me that she did not think it was a good idea for us to hang out anymore. She would say things like, I just need space, or, I can't see us getting back together for another couple months. She has also continued to tell me how much she loves and cares about me. I found out from my friend, who lives with her, that she had started seeing someone else. It was a guy from her work who had always been "just a friend". Like most guys, I made the mistake of over contacting my ex and trying to reason with her. That went on for a couple weeks.
We have had to see each other because we are in the same social circle. Each time we are together, she makes it a point to talk to me and things seem normal between us. She says that it is because we are "just friends".
I have not spoken to her in 3 weeks and she has continued to see this other guy. It my eyes, I think it is a rebound. She jumped from our long term relationship right into another one. He is 12 years her senior, which is a way bigger deal when you are in your 20's.
Wanted to get your opinion. I've read a lot of your material about breakups and rebound relationships. To me, our relationship was very solid and it feels like it was just the wrong time for the both of us. It also seems like her relationship with this guy is the definition of a rebound.
Thanks!
Hey,
I agree that it's probably a rebound. Let her have her rebound and continue no contact for another 2-3 weeks before getting back in touch with her. I'll also recommend you go on a few dates before the end of no contact.
How do you apply the 30 days contact if we have child together? I am so confuse and lost.
It's mentioned in this article.
Hi Kevin, my last comments have been lost to far below, I have tried to look for them but have no luck. As you know my ex has said she defo does not want to be with me. This weekend my best friend come down to see me (we live in different citites) my best friend text my ex to ask where she got a present from for me. She replied to my best friend saying 'Hi got this from blah blah blah hope you have a nice weekend in London'
So I saw that as hope, and said would you like to meet us all as friends, she replied I do not want to be friends at the moment. Then the next day she said 'Dont contact me again, I never ever will be friends with you.
Why did she reply to my best friend, then say to me not friends at the moment then say I defo do not want to be friends...... I know I broke the no contact rule, but as she text my best mate (that she has never met) I thought there was some hope.......
Hey Lou,
When your friend messaged her, she thought he/she genuinely wanted information. So she replied politely. When you messaged her, she thought you used your friend to test the waters and then contacted her. She felt kind of betrayed and thought you were playing tricks on her. So she got angry and told you she can never be friends with you. Like I told you several times, apply no contact for 45 days and then send her the letter. That's the only way you can open up communications between you two.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you again for taking the time to message me I am most grateful.
She was very very angry in her response to me, as she said I have blew anychance of any friendship in the future, esp all the things I have done in past, harrassing, outing etc.. She said she does not want a friencd like that in her life as be falsh, let alone get back together, she told my friend, she wants me to move on and be happy, but it is never going to happen with her. Is this now truth speaking?
And to add, she just emailed me out blue to say Sorry I don't have your white top, I will look for it. I said thank you do you have the vouchers we got bought us for London, she replied sorry you cvan't have the ones my family bought, but you can have the ones I bought.....
What do you make to this?
It doesn't mean anything. You still need to apply no contact. If she contacts you again, don't reply.
And i.had a miss call from her. How can this not mean anything?
It does mean something. It means she is thinking about you. But you should still follow no contact rule and do as I said before.
Ok so no contact for 45 days then the letter?
Do you still feel I have a chance as after 45 days will be almost 3 months since we split? So do you feel still have chance?
.
Yes, you do have a chance. There is always a chance she will move on during this time but I think it's very less and it's very important for you to do this no contact.
Yes, she does feel like it right now. But understand that she is angry. Do you remember any time when you were angry and you felt something was true. But then you calmed down and realize that it wasn't. There is a chance if you follow no contact for 45 days and then send her the letter as described in the article.
Ok thanks as its been 6 weeks already and now 45 days starting nc... what are chances off her moving on. and why would she tell me thats she isnt using the vouchers on anyone else but her mum
She got in touch today saying she called me by accident. she wants me out her life for good shes had think about all the bad ive done and shes no longer sending the voychers. why she had change if heart and i havent replied or done anything shes saying she getting police too why one day cival nextt nast
You have to stop answering her calls and apply no contact. Stop trying to figure out what her actions and her words mean. It will not help you in any way. Do as I told you to do.
Ok so no contact for 45 days then the letter?
Do you still feel I have a chance as after 45 days will be almost 3 months since we split? So do you feel still have chance?
Hi,
I am so terribly stressed out these past few days..Its been 3 months now since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. We had on and off relationship, he left me 2011 because he got married as part of their tradition and culture that has to be married with his cousin. I do missed him sometimes when i thought about him, but then last year he started to contact me again, and I shut him off. But because he was so persistent and that he was begging to me and he told a lot of stories, like he was so miserable with his unhappy married life and infact he told me that he wants me on his life. I was so adamant and hesitant of getting back together again because of his current situation and status...I don't know maybe I pity him or love him and wanted him so badly also, that I agreed to go back with him.He is always initiated to contact me everyday, like he was the one who texted me first and manage to call me everynight and we talked on the phone every night..I believe everything what he said to me, he even told rubbish stories about his wife that made me think that he is really mesirable....I even encourage him to fix his problem with his wife and be more patient with her because maybe she is just seeking more attention or she was bored because she was just alone in the house and theres nothing else she can do... But then he just said that theres no way his wife will change, he even told that he is planning to divorce her because he is already feed up and sick with her... When we were together, I was so happy but often times I felt guilty and hate myself..He said that we will still get in touch..The wife just returned after two months, perhaps from vacation..And then after on, never heard from him again. I sent him an email, told him what i felt.. I even cursed him on the email that he made me fooled again and never receieved a reply from him..I felt so awful and angry to myself that i let him manipulated me and that he totally played me....He keeps coming back on me.. I don't know if he keeps coming back because he wants to punish me for all the bad things i told him and he wants to hurt me again and again .. I just want your honest opinion on this situation of mine..
I think he is playing with you. Unless he leaves his wife, you should not get back with him. You should really consider moving on.
My ex broke up with me and I did EVERYTHING that I should not have. I even went as far as getting drunk and shooting and killing her pet that she had left at my house. Going through the legal part of that now.
After I killed her pet I went even more nuts and sent her some very mean and nasty text messages. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at myself for what I had just done to her pet and I took it out on her.
Ever since then there has not been a single day or night that where I don't think about her... all the great times we had and that very horrible night that I wish never happened. it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about what I did to her pet.
I am truly sorry and regretful for what I did to her and how I must have made her feel. I've tried to think about how badly I must've made her feel but it kills me inside knowing that it was me who made her feel that way.
I'm not worried about any legal cconsequences. I've been to jail a couple times before and it NOTHING compared to the self-made punishment of knowing that I am the one who made her life hell after the breakup.
In fact she even told me that she wasn't going anywhere. She just needed a week or two to herself because college, work, family issues were getting to her. But instead of giving her that I went batshit crazy.
The last thing I said to her was this text message while in cop car headed to psych ward... "I don't care how religious you are you are still going to burn in hell with me"
We have had no contact since that night... restraining order says so.
When we were together there was one day we were in her car and I was telling her about bad things I did in the past. She said "you are the type of person I absolutely hate but for some reason I am deeply in love with you" she then put her hand on my leg and said "I feel like I am here to help you better yourself"
Call me crazy but I have noticed a change in the way I see things now, the way I act, just overall am a happier person. While with her she noticed and is the ONLY person to look into my eyes and saw that I was filled with hate anger. She saw through the smiles and laughter. But since that night I no longer feel filled with hate anger. And the hate and anger I was filled with was not caused by her. It was never supposed to be directed at her or her pet.
I still have the same feelings for her. I love her with my entire being. She ever needs anything.... or someone harms her.... I will be there.
However regardless of my feelings for her still... they do not matter. I am pretty damn certain she does not feel the same way and wwon't ever be with me again. But when restraining order is over I would like to meet up with her somewhere and explain to or try to explain to her what happened, why it happened, etc.... she deserves an explanation.
What she also deserves is to be able to tell me to my face how she feels about me. And I would just sit there and let her say whatever she wants. Bitch me up one side and down the other. Slap me a few times.... whatever she wants to do she's more than welcome to. Even if it means me hearing "I hate you and never want to see you or hear from you again. I dont even want to know you"
If we never meet somewhere... and this is it for everything... I KNOW that great things are going to come into her life. I KNOW she is going to do great things with her life. That's the kind of person she is. The time will come when she shines bright like the beautiful star she is. Unfortunately I won't be by her side when it happens.
Yes I know that was long, but as for your steps.... I did everything I was not supposed to and then even added more. We had little silly arguments about NOTHING and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... lasted maybe 15-20 minutes then they were done and we'd do the making up thing and all was well. Like I said before she only left because she needed time and space to clear everything in her head. I mean she even told me "I am not saying goodbye. I am not going anywhere" come on she left all her things INCLUDING her pet here.
But anyway if there's a snowballs chance in hell of her and I being in eachothers lives again... even if only as friends... a miracle needs to happen in order for her to see me in a positive light again. One step at a time I'm moving forward to better myself. If we get back in eachothers lives... awesome! If we don't well I have nobody to blame but myself.
Hey Kyle,
As you already know, your chances are very less. But you can still try. If you get therapy during the no contact period, it's going to improve your chances. She will see that you are getting help for your anger and she might consider giving you another chance. But again, your chances are less and you should not keep your hopes up. I wish you the best.
Dear Kev,
I hope you're well. Thank you for your responses! I find great comfort in reading your blog and when I break I always come here and read your articles.I rang my ex 's local number just to see whether he is back in the country and his phone rang. Later at night he has texted my sister asking me not to contact him again. When my mom rang he picked the phone and he talked to her. When she passed the phone to me he was screaming at me for sharing his cheating adventure with his aunt ( that aunt called me and asked what happened). Then his mom spoke to me and blamed me saying that I ruined everything by telling the story to her sister. She said we could have fixed things but I ruined every thing. He did everything to hurt me and found another girl and now his family is blaming for sharing what he did ( he cheated on me with a much older woman and now dating a 19 year old air hostess) . I think they are hurt cz their pride is hurt cz he just finished his medical training . Whatever he did to me I feel terrible to think that he hates me. He owes me some money and he wanted to know my bank details . He has texted my sister asking that and she has replied saying she ll pass the bank details of my parents. On Saturday , he sent me a msg asking for the details. I ignored his msg.I don't know Kev, whatever I do , I miss him so much and I cant bear to think he hates me .Do guys hate their exes when they share their cheating stories? We were set to get married next year and my family is gutted after what happened. Please give me some advice.
Thank you,
Gina
Gina,
I guess his pride is hurt. But I believe his anger and hate will go away with time if you apply no contact. I know you miss him but you need to learn to be happy in your life without your ex.
Thank you Kev! You are a star! :)
Hey Kevin!
Im really not sure if these tricks will work because my problem is very very bad... well this guy I have been dating for a year and a half broke up with me like a month ago... yes did contact him right afterwards begging for him to take me back. I woupd even tell him I loved him he wpuld even say he still loved me to he just wasn't intrested in me anymore. I texted him a lot and he told me we were completly done and that he didn't want to date me again.(he also told to shut up once) because I was annoying him with the whole writting him letters to him thing. He really really likes another girl and I can see that she likes him to I think they are going to date soon while I still have very stromg feelings for him and I want him back:( I haven't talked to him for 3 days trying to do the no-contact trick on him but honestly I don't think he cares that I'm not talking to him I think he likes it better...is there any hope for us left? Do u think he still likes me? Will he ever go back out with me? I need help PLEASE Kevin?!
Thank you so much Kevin I'll try it and see how everything turns out in the end! You have finnally gave me some hope.
Gabriele xx.
Where do I find your response to my comment?
It's here.
Hi Kevin
Thanks for your recent advice. Just an update and hopefully you can provide some sort of further advice on best approach from here.
Current thinking is, I am going to just leave it for a week or two, at which point I am heading overseas for 10 days? My goal is to make sure I am happy and oozing confidence by the time I get back and then get in touch again. That will give her time to think about me and wonder what I am doing in my 'adventures'. FYI - Im not on Facebook or anything so she cant check in on me.
Anyways, here is the email I sent Sunday morning after 30 days NC, followed by her response below........
=======
Hi XXXX,
Trust that this finds you well and enjoying life.
Just wanted to say thanks for having the courage to speak up when you did. I agree, in the end we needed to walk away from how it was. Its a shame a simple misunderstanding can cost us everything but it was the right thing to do at the time and I accept that the relationship is over.
In saying that, it was great in many ways and holds fond memories. Some of our holidays and adventures were fantastic - Bundeena, Jindabyne, Tassie, Bali, and Townsville were awesome - but things got a bit silly somehow. At first it hurt, but I’m fine now.
So I want to apologise for the way I acted over the past few months. Sorry I kept trying so hard when I should have backed off. I let my heart rule my head. While proud of my don’t give in attitude, I must have looked desperate to you. I get it now, you just wanted space to deal with your feelings and thoughts.
I stuffed it up bad. I wanted to bring joy and relief. I wanted you to know you were loved beyond doubt even in a tough time, not confuse you. Im sorry for the pain and confusion I caused Monie. I know I did it all wrong. Hope you can forgive me and forget it some time.
So anyway, it’s been crazy times since we last spoke. My parents had a real set back out of nowhere, which was very sad and hard to understand. Apart from that though, so many exciting things are happening.
The land deal is mind boggling in the current market. Ive had many little adventures, with one more big one coming up shortly. Some great opportunities have come out of nowhere. In a weird way it has worked out well for me. Funny how the world works sometimes.
I hope its all going really well for you too. Im happy to catch up some time and hear about all of your new adventures, but Im not sure about right now. We both probably need a bit more time and space.
Anyways, thought I’d try to keep this brief so take care. Speak soon.
Tomass
=======
and her response 24 hours later first thing in the morning...
Hey Tomass,
Thank you for your email and I hope you are well too.
Not sure what you mean about your folks, but I hope that it is sorted now and all are ok.
Dont really want to write much as I’m getting emotional now.
Take care of yourself and good luck in the games.
XXXX
=======
Thanks again Kevin. Im a convert to your wonderful ways and look forward to a recommended plan of attack from here.
It looks pretty good. Your already have a pretty good plan of attack. Get back in touch with her when you return using the texts in the article.
Good day Kevin.
I met my girlfriend, around May 2012, then after a month of getting to know each other, we started dating, it was nice, fun,went out on dates , movies, we called each other, we communicated using bbm SMS, our communication was solid and consistent, she told me how much she loves me, how happy and special I made her feel, I was her everything I was her first boyfriend, our first kiss was her kiss first kiss, she was my soul mate and I was hers, we wanted da same things, we wanted to grow together with a view for marriage when that time comes and we had blissful moments together, for her birthday I bought her a gift and wrote her a beautiful poem that made her shed tears, she was overjoyed and happy. So all this went on for 5months of pure love and romance, no fights no misunderstandings, there's one time though where she confronted me to ask me if its true what she came across, apparently her friends went on my facebook account, and snooped at my profile looking for pictures, then they went to my pictures they saw a picture of me posing with another girl that was my girlfriend at the time it was taken, that was my high-school ex, so when that picture was taken it was way long ago before I met my current ex, plus I reassured her that nothing is going on, I didn't lie I did say yes she's my high-school ex thats all and I know its wrong for that picture to be still on my facebook, reason for that is that, I forgot to delete it immediately after I got into my new relationship with you, but ill delete it right away, she was like no don't delete its ok,there's nothing wrong, I insisted that yes I'm deleting it and yes indeed I deleted it, and I even came to report back that I deleted it to show her iv got nothing to hide, so she said ok, from the 6month things changed without any notice right out of the blue, after we finished writing our exams on that day we we're supposed to meet but she didn't pitch up, I called repeatedly,SMS and tested her no reply, that went on for 14days, up until I tested her a final sms, saying that I'm about to do something drastic because she's leaving me no choice, that's when she replied saying on that last day of the exams she got ill and even called her mom to come fetch and take her to school, so I believed her because she had a history of being in and out of hospital because she had asthma, so it all made sense to me as why she wasn't replying my texts, ok so during December holidays I ask her if she passed she said yes but she was thinking of changing a course from BCom Accounting to BCom Finance, well I was happy that she passed and she was happy for me to as well, then as the weeks went on during the rest of December the silence started she started ignoring my calls, I even started thinking that maybe she has met someone new maybe this is her way of leaving me without telling it straight to my face, I ended up giving up on calling her. Then 2013 came, schools reopen on February, I'm looking forward to seeing her as we we're doing the same course, the first week of Feb passes by, that seemed strange because I was suppose to see her in class, I look for her we're she would waiting for her mom to come fetch her after school, I don't see her period, I see her friends they say they don't know we're she is, but they say that probably something is not right with her, ok, then I remain patient but not losing hoping on her, then I start to text her asking her what's happening with her because I'm worried sick about her, she doesn't reply , I call my calls go unanswered, sometimes it rings and you can hear her dropping my call without answering it, sometimes it goes to voice mail. Then with my "not giving up" attitude and persistence, she ends up replying sending me an sms saying that "I'm sorry KGee,I can't take this pain anymore it really hurts,I know you care and love me a lot but I'm not ok, I wanted to say these are my last words to you, Goodbye KGee" after reading that text repeatedly I felt like I was day dreaming my world came to a stand all that went through my mind was that, my girl is probably committing suicide or leaving me and there's nothing I can do about it,as I don't have the power to stop what she was about to do, cause one would think of suicide for such an sms. Then I seeked help urgently went to my mentor, and told this lady that I've probably lost my girl and there's nothing I can do about it, because she did'nt give me the chance to talk her through it not to leave me like this. So I asked my girl, that can she give me a chance to help her, then I fetched her and took her to my mentor with the hope that she'll confess whatever that's bothering her to this lady, because she couldn't tell me what was up with her. So I gave them privacy and they spoke and she confessed, after that then I took her home, then later my mentor said even though I promised your not to tell you but I'm going to tell you because I can see that you'll probably never know hence I know your desperate to know whatsapp with her, because I know how much you love, then my mentor told me that your girlfriend didn't go well on her results regarding her exam, she failed her course by majority of subjects and she's been degraded to a lower qualification from a degree to a national diploma and she'll be doing that diploma at a different campus but same university, so that did'nt sit well with her and her parents aren't happy with that, they are disappointed , so she feels she has led down her parents and you KGee aswell, she felt you we're going to judge her if she told you, ok I understood and I promised my mentor I was goin to be there for her through thick and thin, I won't neglect her because she wasn't just a girl to me but more than a girl, she was my potential future wife that's how much I loved her. Ok, then things seemed to get slightly back on track because she wasn't ignoring my texts anymore, then April came my birthday, she called me midnight just so she can be the first one to say happy birthday, later during my birthday, she sent me an sms wishing me happy birthday, and we spoke non-stop using bbm social network. Then as the weeks went by the silence and ignoring of my calls and SMS started. I thought things were going to get better but clearly not started back from scratch. Ok, Then came May I asked her friends what's wrong, at first they did'nt want to tell me but ended up telling me, they said she is dating another guy, I' did'nt believe them, because I know my girl better than anyone, that's when they showed me a picture of her posing next to a girl, I did'nt know whether to still refuse to believe or believe it because tell it better than words, but you friends can fabricate lies to suit the situation, because surely they know I was desperate for any information, as long that information is going to explain all this silence and ignoring of my calls SMSs and texts. So I wouldn't know if they told me a lie or the truth. Ok, on the 8th of May 2013, she sent me a hot SMS saying " I'm sick of you KGee and all those that are involved, I don't want anything to do with you anymore" and den I replied but mine was not so harsh because I said " how could you do me like that after all the things I did for you by loving, caring and being supportive for you" and then I attached that picture of her posing with that dude to show her that now I know what she's been up to, and obviously she knows that picture could come from her friends. Then replied again to my sms, she said "you go believing what people say and stuff, boys r really stupid and stuff". Then I did'nt reply to her sms, because I was done period, because instead of her apologizing for what she did, instead she makes me look like a bad guy after all I did for her nd being there for her this is the thanks I get. So I was done because I deleted her from whatsapp,bbm and deleted her digits, no contact what so ever, then came June during exams as I was studying, she texts on my whatsapp saying "HI" I was surprised because I could see that its her as I still even remember her digits, I did'nt know what's to do, but because I was still angry I ignored it, then around August I texted her to tell her that ill be giving back her books she borrowed me to her friends to give to her, she replied by "KGee your so rude you don't even greet, I don't want anything to do with you, you can keep those books" I replied by "well then I guess I put them in the rubbish bin, I thought maybe u still feel remorse but clearly I was wrong because you giving me this attitude as if I hurt you or cheated on you which I did'nt, last time I checked you and I aren't a couple so why should I greet you like I used to". Then that was it then came September her birthday, I felt the urge to say happy birthday to her as by that time I had already made peace with myself and having accepted what had happend even thought I still care for her because she said happy birthday to me at the time, so I texted her but I kept it very short, I said "Happy Birthday Lebo". She kindly replied by saying "Thank you very much, I really appreciate it with a smiley face icon next to her text. Then came November exams last year, I felt the urge to wish her good luck for her exams as I did'nt want what happend to her to happen again. The replied kindly saying "thank you KGee, I really appreciate it, and wishing you best of luck to you to KGee". Then came the new year, I felt the urge to make a reconciliation, so I called her and I forgave her for what she has done whether its true or not, and I also asked her for forgiveness if there's something I did unintentionally, and I said sorry and I also said I'm to accept her sorry aswell, because I want to put the past in the past, and begin this year with a clear heart and mind and I said I love her, then she said she'll get back to me, after the call she replied by texting me on whatsapp saying "that she also forgives me and accepts my apology, and that she hopes ill forgive her, she knows she hurt me real bad, etc.... So we from there we spoke normally, I asked her how is she and how's her life treating her, and she said "life's ok, she's getting better and feels better" and she asked me how was I and I said I'm ok not bad at all but, after all that has happend, I still have a hard time forgetting completely what happend hence I still do miss her" and she said "you will be fine KGee through time, your goin to be ok" and she said "I know its hard which is why I don't want to go to all that drama that happend with her friends and that picture that showed her posing with another dude, and she further said I've learnt to be happy with what I have" ,So I thought with that being said at least we will have just general chats, so as I carried talking to her on some days, I saw that she's like reverting back to the silence and not answering my chats, but I managed to ask her that "is there a chance for us whether be it now, somewhere during this year, or next year or two years after of 5years down the line or whenever? And she said "Yes" but she did'nt elaborate further , so because I felt her yes wasn't convincing, I felt that maybe she said yes because she knows that's what I want to hear ,so I carried on texting to know what this yes means then she was cold, so I further texted as I wasn't getting any reply after that yes,so I told her that I do understand IF there's another guy in the picture because a lot of time has passed since we drifted apart without no communication, as it wouldn't come as a surprise that maybe she's dating, she replied by saying " What guy are you talking about, there's no guy in the picture, I'm not that type of a girl" and I said I did'nt say u dating I said that " IF ever there's a guy I do understand why u don't want that there be no communication" she didn't reply up until the day she texted and said "KGee it doesn't mean because we forgave each other therefore there should be communication between us, so please don't call, SMS or text me again". So Kevin what do you think happend right there with her or the both of us, did I maybe contribute unintentionally for her to drift away from me, or did her friends set her up, or did she lose feelings for me or did she stop loving me, does she even still love me right now, is there hope for us in the near future, because I want to get her back and keep her for good, but only if that's what she wants? What happend right there please shed some light because till today I don't know what happend I can't seem to connect the dots?
You are overthinking everything. She is young and confused. It's possibly that even she doesn't know what made her lose attraction to you. But the fact is, she did drift apart. And you two didn't really have a strong relationship to begin with. You are young as well. The best thing for you to do is apply no contact and start dating other girls. Explore your options for the next 5-6 months. Meet new girls, have fun and enjoy your life. If after six months you still want to be with her, then contact her.
Thank you for your replying to my email, I have more questions after what you said, do you think that I still stand a chance of winning her heart back, do you also think that she still loves me and thinks about me? Because remember in the email, I said I asked her that is there a chance for us to get back together whether be it now or during this year, or next year or whenever, she replied by "Yes" but she didn't give a time duration, and after me trying to further text her, she said it doesn't mean because we forgave each other we should therefore have an ongoing communication, and then she said please don't call, sms or text me again, so from this do you think she means that she'll never be my girlfriend again in the near future or long term or that she's applying no contact rule with the aim of clearing her mind of the negative things associated with the break-up, so that mayb she can miss me and then hopefully re-instate the communication back on.
Honestly, I think your chances are slim. And I really can't say if she loves you or thinks about you since your relationship was a very short relationship.
Anyway thank you Kevin for your advice and opinions. I guess ill leave it in Gods hands, if she does'nt come back then its ok, I guess its life because I would've tried my utmost best.
Hey Kevin
I want to know why does she still have my numbers on her phone therefore she still has my contact on whatsapp, why does she keep them if she ordered me to cease communication with her. Why doesn't she just delete them if its clear that my chances of getting her back are slim.
You are overthinking things. Don't try to analyze everything she is doing and everything she is not doing. Concentrate on yourself.
Hi Kevin, My fiance split up due to family issues, my family were really hard on her due to my sisters breakup with her fiance a few months ago. My x works with my sisters x so he's filling her head with bad things about my family. The main reason my x broke up with me was I think pressure from her mom to maybe break it off with me. We were in so much love and I hope we still are..I did see her message a guy from her work a few times that also has a girlfriend. She said to me that she needed time and space to clear her head from all my family drama, I told her that I would spend time with her and not worry about my family, lets work on our relationship..she said no, wanted me to move out. she still tells me she loves me and that I'm the one for her.
What should I do? I still have my car at our old house, engagement / wedding ring etc.. How do I get her back? I spoke to her the other day and was a little angry and short, she didnt like that at all..I did make the mistake of sending her photo's and telling her I missed her etc..I cant start the 30 days of no contact because I have to organize all my stuff to get moved back to my other house.
Help me :(
Get your stuff, then start no contact. She needs space and time, and you should give it to her.
Hey Kevin,
I've been following your guide and it actually worked. Me & my ex are back in a relationship, and not only that, she actually suggested we get back together and work on our past problems during one of the "fun dates" phase.
This guide is absolutely amazing, because the guide 'knows' what you're going through. The whole 'don't beg, don't give them affection' part goes against anything you feel the moment you get dumped, but it really does make sense. This is what every person should read, over and over again, should he/she get dumped.
There are a few things I'd like to add. First I think this guide should be called "How to get your ex back or move on", because I believe it's the same procedure. I say it because in my opinion the most important part of this guide is the No Contact and the whole "Work on yourself" thing. These two together are the most important steps for both moving on and getting your ex back.
Thank you very much!
Thanks Ascend. I am glad it worked out for you.
hi kevin,
ok my boyfriend broke up with me February 4, it was fast how he contacted saying that we still spending valentines days together. i told him no we not and just stop answering him. then a few days later he contacted me again and i was actually ignoring him...he finally came out of his shell and express how he feels that hes not ready to lose and wont let me walk out his life like that... so i told him to give me time ill hear him in a few...the next day i contacted him trough facetime and we end up seeing each other but i refuse to go to his house...so he got mad and said hes going to stop chasing after me...i told him i just cant give him my all after he done something like that he needs to prove that it wont be the same....we was good for a while , around march we end up not talking again he block me on instgram, so i text him saying why you block me on instagram he told me not to worry about him, that hes not worry about me i could do what i have to do...i stop responding, i went on vacation, then again he text me, i replied, with no feelings involve this time asking what happen?...hes like i just want to talk to you and im like ok talk...seen him end up talking about our relationship problem again...went back to ignoring him..then he text me i was having a regular conversation...then i stop replying and answered him 3 days later, but never got no reply or nothing and my phone is off too....yesterday he text me asking for his room key, and how he called me and thought i was forwarding his phone calls how would he know that my phone was off..and im like my phone is off so how would i notice your calls...anyways when he came by my house this time he asked my cousin to bring the key to him, and i texted him u so immature you will never grow up or when will you grow up? he responded saying how am i immature what i do? i just express how i felt about everything....he never answered...so whats the next step i should take honestly to get him back this time for real, because i know i mess up and couple ways like by ignoring his text and texting him back....PLease let me know what to do based on my situation and by the way he is very immature.
Kevin,
My ex and I split 7 days ago. He wasn't ready to make me a priority or to really settle down. I made the mistake of crying and questioning everything but as soon as I drove away I wouldn't respond to his msgs. I made the mistake of checking his emails yesterday and finding out that he has put himself on some sex search web sites. I ended up contacting him today and telling him to change his passwords so I could no longer do this.
I then msgd him to tell him to get help instead of taking the avenue that he is to make himself feel better.
I ended the conversation by thanking him for the break up and letting him know that I agree with it now and only want the best for him in life.
I am starting the n/c all over again cause I failed with bad habits and I've noticed you repeatedly tell everyone to start the n/c over again when they have a hiccup.
How likely are my chances now that after 30 days this will work if I whole heartedly follow your advice?
You have a good chance. But why would you want to be with someone who isn't ready to make you a priority. This plan is not necessarily going to make him change. If you are ready to settle down, then I'll recommend you move on. But anyways, it's not for me to decide. You will have to make this decision in the 30 days of no contact.
May I drop my story here Kevin, so you can give me your expert advice?
Yes, you may.
My ex says she doesn't want me anymore, I've tried everything but I don't know what else to do, the thought of her and another man kills me, I can't sleep, can't eat I just can't not text her!
Hi Kevin,
I am looking for some advice on how to re-establish contact with my ex. To give you an idea of our situation; we were together for 4 1/2 years and overall I would say that our relationship was good. Many of the core problems of our relationship were my fault, she was always very supportive and went out of her way to do things for me; I didn't really reciprocate and that's what lead to us breaking up. I guess you could say I was a bit selfish and didn't really see it. We broke up last November and we really haven't been in contact that much over the winter, other than a couple text messages asking how each other is doing. Funny thing is I think that these few months apart have been a learning experience and it has helped me to realize what I did wrong and what kind of person I was with. I would like to try to re-establish contact and show her that I have changed. Can you offer any help? Thanks
Nick
Nick, It's great that you've used these months to realize what went wrong and learn from it. I think you should contact her using the letter mentioned in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I know that you endorse Relationship Rewind so here's the question: Is it really useful? I'm really skeptical about this because of the comments of others and some reviews look too good to be true.
Here is also my sit rep. I met this girl sometime in January, we're both in college, and after a few weeks of knowing her I told her I liked her and she also told me back that she also liked me. This happened on February 10 which is also her birthday and the first time we kissed. She told me she can't have any relationships because of her promise to her deceased father but we still meet each other like we were couples. On March 9, I told her that I loved her. I know it looks too soon but I didn't like saying "I really like you" because it sounded plain. She didn't reply though but she was still happy about it. We were still together as usual and she was sometimes sweet by bringing me breakfast. It was the best feeling that I ever had. By this time we were on 2nd base. Then on March 21 we went to a party and I saw her text this guy which she told was her best friend(not gay), "You're the only one that I'm clingy with". So my natural response was being pissed but I didn't tell her so I drank my sorrows away then I got drunk. While I was drunk, she accidentally fell and she got really wounded. I got really pissed at myself for not catching her. So I told her I was really sorry but she replied that it wasn't my fault. So I assumed that everything was okay until March 23. She stopped replying by 7:30pm and I got really worried so I texted her if she was mad at me, I even told her I miss her. Then the next day, she texted me that she was really busy and said sorry but there was no emoticons in her text. So I went to the nearest flower shop and bought her flowers saying get well soon and I'm sorry. I thought everything was okay after I gave her flowers. Then on March 26 we talked about the situation of our relationship and she told me that she was now unsure of her feelings towards me but she also told me that there are no other guy she liked besides me. So I thought we were okay, I have never been so wrong in my life. Came the next day, we still had our routine dinner but this time she didn't want me to escort her going to the bus stop so I got pissed and walked out almost getting hit by a car. After I cooled down I asked her if I did something wrong then she replies with "sorry. goodnight". So I was really worried, so I texted her in the morning that I'm really sorry, If you still want to continue what we have I'm here for you. and so on. She replied later in the evening saying she was still unsure of her feelings and she needs time. Then on April 4, she gave me the talk. She was still unsure of her feelings but this time she told me that she likes me but as a friend. I thought I would really be devastated but I wasn't. It was like a heavy weight on my shoulders was lifted. So we said our goodbyes and hugged her for the last time saying I'll still wait for you but she told me not to though. haha. I thought I was fine, but boy I was wrong. She sent me a long letter in which she expounded on our talk awhile ago. I'll just summarize her letter, She told me that she wasn't really good in confrontation and that what she said was still not enough. Her feelings started to juggle when she heard me say I love you, and also stated that she wanted to tell me too but never delivered. She thought about why she didn't tell me and told me her feeling hasn't developed yet. She also stated that maybe she was afraid of having deeper feelings towards another person but it may be different for me. She said that she felt happy so planned on still staying with me. Then as time progressed her feelings diminished and her exact words were: " the longer we spent time with each other, the more and more I felt indifferent. I know this seems unfair, you never once failed to make me feel loved. But I know deep inside me that if I ever do continue on with our relationship, I will only make things worse and will probably end up hurting you even more. That's why I've decided to end it earlier. I'm really sorry." She told me that she really liked me and she was genuine in our relationship. Then she told me all the things that she loved about me. She said that "God knows I've tried my best to keep the love alive. But it just wasn't there. Once I'm certain of my own feelings, there's nothing I can really do to change it." She even called her self an a*****e for giving me less than what I deserved. And ended it by saying that she hopes that I'll find someone better and she would always be there for me. From this point, I haven't replied. I also forgot to mention that I met with her mother and she gave me the talk on Valentines. I went to her place to give cupcake flowers and something I made out of paper.
I'm really confused now, I thought it was over but she just had to send me a letter. The letter made me realize that in fact, I'm really in love with her. I still want to get back to our relationship, hoping you would be kind enough to help. And if I follow your no contact rule, what do I do if we do unintentionally bump to each other?
Hey,
From what I read, it seems she got turned off because you were trying to too hard to make the relationship work and were acting kind of needy. If you bump into her during no contact, just treat her like an acquaintance. Don't talk to her for more than five minutes and excuse yourself saying you have to get somewhere.
Oh, and relationship rewind is actually quite effective. It's very useful when it comes to contacting your ex after no contact and it's also extremely useful in understanding the real reason why they broke up and fixing it.
Thanks for the advice, hope I could make this workout. :)
So do I just follow your guide? :)
Yes.
Hey Kevin,
I was just wondering, do you have any success stories you could share ? Also how did you come up with this plan ?
Yes, I have a testimonials page over here. I read a lot of books on relationships, psychology, breakups, and even on getting your ex back. I had a website before this one that had an earlier version of this plan. It wasn't as detailed as this one but it got me a lot of feedback over the past two and a half years which helped in development of this plan and the articles on this website. And obviously, my own breakup had a role in all of this.
two months ago,my boyfriend broke up with me after being together for one and a half year because we live in different towns and he told that I should focus on my career and not destroy everything for him. few days after the break up , he sent me a letter explaining the reasons of our break up and saying that he will always love,he will always have a photo of me in his pocket but he is not happy anymore. I texted a lot in order to convince him but i got no replies. I haven't sent him for a month. since we still live in different towns, do I have a chance?
Yes, send him the letter and then text him again.
I was with a guy for a little over a year. During the entire time this guy acted like he absolutely adored me. Whenever we were together he was attached to me and believe me he initiated that - I wasn't clingy at all. We had so much fun together and never even had a single fight. For our 1-year anniversary I made him a photobook filled with all our pics together from the past year and wrote in it "hoping this is the first of many more happy years to come." About 2 weeks later he breaks up with me and tells me he doesn't see us ever getting married even though I never brought up the subject. It came out of nowhere and after he spent the entire weekend with me. That was 4 months ago. During this time I did not contsct him at all other than to wish him happy holidays and a happy birthday. He just emailed me out of the blue to check on me. I responded and he has responded back again. I'm waiting a day or so to respond back again. What steps should I take next? And should I even bother? He's 49, never been married, lives at home, and his longest relationship is 4 years....
Well, I think you should respond and then eventually setup a date. It seems he is interested again. It could be he is second guessing his decision.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for this program. I signed up hoping to improve myself and maybe not go after my ex-GF...
It's now 4 days after breakup.
1. Could a girl do breakup to test you out? Because I told her I sometimes feel numb for her...this numb/doubt might come from within myself (self worth, first time, afraid, high expectations, etc...but I always instantly smiled when we met...).
Actually this went really stupid. She gave me some alone-time to think. When after 3 days I realized I wanted to continue with her, she broke up... I can't remember if I told her I totally wanted to go for us because I froze when she told me.
As reason for breakup she said I need to improve myself because currently I make her unhappy.
I feel like she might want me back when I'm 'patched up' but this feels cheap because one week earlier she said she even 'want to stay with me if I ever become disabled...'
2. One day after breakup she texted me 'she hopes I understand why she did this and she still loves me 'unconditionally.'' I really don't understand this because she clearly states conditions...
3. During no contact...is a Whatsapp status update allowed? I guess not.
Thanks & Regards!
Nightly.
1. Yes. It's not a sign of a healthy relationship, but yes they do.
2. She doesn't want you to move on, it seems.
3. I guess it's allowed as long as you are not trying to send an indirect message to your ex by changing your status.
Hey Kevin,
1. What exact strategy do you suggest?
Because, if she actually is testing and I do no contact...and she is like 'I try no contact to see if he really misses me' then we both miss the boat or not?
3. Concerning Whatsapp status...I already entered one indirect message on breakupday, but changed it the day after to a (non-needy) motivator. :)
Best regards & thanks again!
Nightly.
1.You should contact her after no contact is over. So, you won't miss the boat.
2. That's alright. Just don't do it again.
Ok Kevin thank you!
I'm working on self improvement really hard! Chances are I won't contact her after no contact.
Good luck to everyone who wants their ex back, I feel your pain.
I wish you the best Nightly.
Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I had a break up but I begged to give me last chance. I begged and begged... then she accepted me. Before it happened, she has lots of problems. The morning before our fight, i stalked her on twitter and found out that she's already awake and still not yet texting me. I messaged her for about 4 messages, an interval 5min each message. Then she replied angrily and said she wants to be alone and want her space back. She had said too many and at the end of it was about breaking up.
Now, she's on her OJT, and we're far from each other. We're still in a relationship but everything is cold. I don't know what to do until I read your article. I was on my Day 3, should I continue the No contact rule? she texted me only once and said she watched a heartbreaking movie and made her sad. I didn't reply her, is it okay? I need your help. Thankss
If you're already together, don't apply no contact. You need to stop being needy and still be in touch with her. Just be a pleasant person. If you think you need some space and time, tell her you need some time and keep no contact for a week.
what if during the time of thew no contact rule your ex keeps constantly calling you and texting you and looking for ways to talk to you and he starts telling you he "freaking love"s you and saying he doesn't know why he broke up with you since he still loves you and sends you a long letter and asks you to please give him another chance ?and etc but the 30 days haven't ended and while ignoring him you see him cry for you and since i have to see him everyday since we go to school together and have one class together everyday and he just happens to show up everywhere im at while im ignoring him...then what should i do???
If you want to get back together, then talk to him. But don't give in to it immediately. Play it cool and make sure he really means it and he is not doing it simply because he misses you.
Kevin,
I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm on day 4 on no contact and my ex just texted me this. "I know you probably don't want to hear from me after that phone call, but I just wanted to make sure you're ok. I'm sorry if I'm waking you or if you're out and I'm bothering you.This is really hard & I'm sorry. Don't know what it means. Need advice
She is just feeling guilty. Doesn't really mean anything. Don't reply and follow the plan.
im sean, a 23 year old working boy dating a 21 year old college girl . but now my gf broke up with me due to that i could not tolerate and be supportive to her college activities . she said that she has no more feeling towards me. she was darn busy ever since she join the activities until that 1 day i got mad and i scolded her terribly. after that, i did actually beg her to come back to me and she gave me 1 last chance . 2 days later she said that she decided to let it go, the feeling was not rite anymore. Its been 3 weeks i did not contact her until last fri on the 4th april 2014 i gave her a call and ask to meet up dat nite at my house. she agreed but she ask 1 of my best friend and so called her "brother" from another mother to tag along....so once they arrive, i did ask her couple of question regarding on our relationship. it looks to me that she had decided to move on .. and i could see the way she talks to me very diff from the way that she talk to my best friend.. its like im being ignored.. non existing anymore.. Before the break up or during our relationship , there were not that close but after that things change. later on, i gave her a hand written letter that i wrote and a necklace that i made by myself . she was like darn cold and non responsive at all. thus, im not sure whether she read the letter or not .. need ur advice .. should i just move on?? or should i start over the 5-step plan again? should i start over the no contact rule?? i dont seem to want to lose this girl ><
Well Sean,
At this point I'll recommend you should move on. You shouldn't have given her a necklace with the letter. It defeats the purpose of the letter. I don't think you actually followed the 5 step plan. If you decide to pursue her again, start no contact again, and this time use the texts.
kelvin,
Ok thanks.. and i just want to ask your opinion. On this 20th april 2014 there is a blood donation event coming up.. and im going for that donation which she will be attending too.. how am i suppose to face her when i decide to pursue her again? i already started to apply the no contact rule 2 days back.
Just be pleasant around her and if you speak to her, keep the conversation short. Treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
kelvin,
okie thank you very much ... so kelvin, the hand written letter that i wrote to her was kinda failure.. but this time u ask me to use text after NO contact rule, and what content im suppose to write in the text ?? >< any clue or examples??
Use the texts in the article.
Hi Kevin,
Am feeling quite low and confused and haven't written to anyone before. My ex and I have been on/off for 18months. In November he ended things saying he wasn't ready for the commitment, but it was his best friend and he didn't want to loose me. Since then he blows hot and cold practically every week. Sometimes I get nice messages, sometimes horrible ones....sometimes none at all. He's 23 and I'm 26. Part of me feels right guy wrong time. I get the impression he's a bit freaked out about how he feels (hence th hot and cold). My question is, as I think he now be seeing someone new / talking to a few girls....as this has been going on for so long, if I do start 30 days no contact as of now, do I stand a chance of him coming back? Or have I lost him for good? I really could do with some direction and a plan rather than this feeling of being lost and confused. Please help! Kirsty
Yes, you have a chance if you start no contact. Even if you stay in touch with him, he is going to continue talking to those girls, so don't try to stop him from doing that.
Hi Kevin..
i did all mistakes that u listed above..Plz help me to get back my ex..she started a new relation..but now she had break up..i texted her on regular basis..but she not repliy,,...if i follow all ur steps now..at this stage.. are they working?
Yes, they will work.
Hey,
I'm really missing my ex-girlfriend, we've broke up at 14 of February and I couldn't find out the reason of our break up yet, she refused the valentine gift, I've tried to contact her that day but nope.. she ignored my texts/calls, I got so upset and I had to break up with her, I think this was her choice.
We never had any problem before, I've spent days and nights thinking what I did wrong but I just can't find anything, probably she's just bored of me or dunno..
After we broke up, I contacted her after a week or more, I just wanted to know how is she doing and such.. and after that she didn't even look after me till her birthday came (a month later), I was holding myself to not wish her a happy birthday cause she doesn't even look after me, but I couldn't handle it, I wrote her a text at night and I apologized for being late. She replied on that text but I didn't text her back.
Now I really want to get back with her, I mean I meet her sometimes at high school but we just smile at each others and continue our way, we didn't spoke IRL after we broke up.
So yeah, it's pretty messed up, but could you please help me Kevin? I mean could you give me some suggestions of what to do to get her back?
Thanks.
Just follow the plan Edward. Everything you need is in the article. She is young and confused and so are you. I'll suggest you at least date a few other girls before you try to get back with her.
hi
thank you for this guide, i hope it works for me.
but my situation is unclear so i will love your thoughts about it:
my girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years. during the 2 years period we lived together for 1.5 years.
i am 33 years old, she is 23 years old.
in spite the age differences we had great love and everything seemed to be working really good.
a couple of months ago she broke up with me , telling me she feels that she wants to explore life more, try new things, maybe travel, maybe traveling , but then after 1 week she came back because she loved me and wanted to try regardless of her wishes , of course i offered her my full support with whatever she want to do and will try to be by her side and will not let the relationship stand in her way.
since then time went by and a week ago i got home from work and she broke up with me ,it was a complete surprise for me as things where going really good.
this time she tole me that she cannot escape her desire to be alone, she is maybe thinking on going to live in a different country, maybe she will start her degree in a far place, she want to try new things, to just be by herself and search inside her soul what she really wants. she does not know how much time it will take, maybe 6 months , maybe 1 year, maybe 2...
after the brake up she moved back to her parents house and we scheduled to meet up and finish the relationship with a good talk.
she asked me not to ask for her to stay because she is determined.
last night 5 days after the brake up, we met at my flat. we drank wine, talked about the past , complimented each other, i told he i believe in her and i thank her for everything. she told me im amazing and if she was a little older there is no way she would have let me go we laughed and when i told her that i am not going to ask her to stay because im 33 and want stability in my life she started to cry after much wine and talking we went to bed and had amazing sex, out of control and full with passion.
then she left , i texted her that i had a great time, and she answered that she had a great time and that she is happy we met and left a sweet memory from this realansioship.
after all of this.. do you think there is a chance for a comeback? i love her so much, i think that she loves me as well , she say she does but im not sure if out of habit or real love.
you think that if i wait 1 month and get back in touch with her maybe she realise by then she made a mistake?
what should i do?
thanks.
If you follow the plan, there is definitely a chance she will come back. But I recommend you give her at least 5-6 months to explore herself. If you don't she will always have this at the back of her mind and she will never be 100% committed to you.
thank you for the reply kevin!
there is a recent devolopment:
she called me sunday night, crying, telling me she is coming to pick all her stuff tommorrow (yestrday) , i was cool during the conversation, and she asked me how i am doing, telling me its hard for her, and saking me how was my day and other questions..
after 40 minutes talk i did a mistake and asked her if she want me to come and pick her up for a sleep over. she said its very tempting but she cant and then said she will come tusday night (tonight).
yestrday she picked all of her stuff , i was at work , she called me after telling me she left the key and took everything, i asked if we are meeting today and she said it will not be good for her but she will come on friday night, i ansewrd her that if she does not want to come i will dont want it to be out of preusure or somthing . and she said that she wants to come.
i want to see her and be with her (yes also sex). but i feel that maybe she it will make like more easy for her and not for me... mabye it will help her gradully move on instead of doing it in one go.
or maybe im wrong, and meeting her having a nice date fun time , great sex will give me back a chance of winning her over?
im confused , please tell me what you think.
i want to get her back.. and want to do the maximum i can for it .
thank you!
As long as you don't show any signs of neediness, you will not make it easier for her to move on.
Kevin
I'm 41 and my wife is 33 we have been together for 8 and I have a step son 10 . We have spilt up in mid January and have went thought no contact expend about see the boy. Now we have talk here and there about her coming home, but the the next time we talk she say she not ready to and she goes back and froths about how she feels it depends who's around so what do I do from here? She as a mental disorder and I just not ready to give up on her yet how do I make this work? Thanks james
I am sorry you are going through this James. Is she getting help for her condition? If not there is nothing you can do unless she decides to get help herself.
I think the best thing for you to do is give her a few months. You should speak to a lawyer to see if you can take any legal action regarding the well being of your son.
Kevin thanks I have talk with a lawyer because I'm not his biological father there is nothing I can do. She is only taking meds and not talk to anyone about it. She say it's under control but it not. Thanks I really want to make my marriage to work. I have been working on myself and trying to have little contacted. Thanks again james
Kevin
I just found out that my wife is on a dating site and but she has been saying she wants to stay married but not ready to come home. I have made mistakes but I just don't like being lied to.
No response yet
Hi Kevin,
So my ex and I broke up almost a week ago. I realize that I was very controlling and manipulative during the relationship because of codependency problems and love addiction (I keep jumping from relationship to relationship). I have a fear of intimacy and many insecurities that I know I need to work on. The end of our relationship was incredibly difficult because there was constant fighting and it was very stressful. I apologized to him for my behavior throughout our relationship because I realize that in many ways, I am at fault (and he apologized for it first, so I felt obligated to let him know it's not his fault and he shouldn't feel bad).
He was very nervous about making sure we stay friends, because he really cares about me (I'm his best friend). We've known each other for 4 years, but dated for 7 months or so. Anyways, he messaged me earlier today and we spoke for about two hours. At first, it was a fun, friendly conversation as we used to have when we were friends. However, then I started asking him what he was doing this summer, and if he would be willing to do things with me. He says he wants to remain platonic. I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and he said that he did, but he wants to keep them at bay because of the recent experience with our break up and the constant stress he felt. He says he doesn't want to fall into the trap again and repeat the whole cycle all over again. I asked him if he would get back with me after I got better, and he said no. He doesn't want to be with me in the immediate future. He also doesn't want me to think that he's some reward after I've improved myself. I really want to be with him. He said that he doesn't know right now, but he doesn't want to do anything other than "just be friends" this summer because he's afraid of being in a relationship with me again; he wants to avoid the pain. He seems very calm and collected for someone who's going through his first breakup, and he's been very positive. He tells me about how he also enjoys being single because he can live his life the way he wants to without having to worry. He's very emotionally controlled and strong, and he even refused me when I suggested we could just be friends with benefits and have what we used to like last summer (he said that he knows himself and if we introduce that again, he will have difficulty not falling into the temptation of wanting to be with me again). I realize that I made many mistakes and that I need to start a no contact period with him so I can stop obsessing and work on myself. However, I'm also worried that even after I get better, he won't want to be with me anymore. Like he said, "no guarantees." He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship for a while, and he's not the type to chase after girls or seek out a rebound relationship, so I know he won't. But he wants to be single, and I want to win him back...what else do you suggest? I'm feel really worried right now because even though he said he still has some feelings inside for me, that might change. And he may decide it is best for us not to be in a relationship again in the future, and say "no" to me. He says that he doesn't want me to think that he will wait for me and be there for me as if we were taking a "break" because he doesn't want to hurt me if he chooses that it's best not to. I know it's a bad idea to try to seduce him, so I won't. But I want to change and I want him to want me back. How do I get him back after I've made these mistakes and he's saying he wants to be single? He sounds so happy about it too...he says that though he feels lonely sometimes, he enjoys his own company and likes himself and doesn't want to be with me. I feel like he's not really going through much pain right now, but I want him back eventually. I know him pretty well, and I know he's very controlled and mature when it comes to being rational and not letting emotional decisions take over, but I fear that I lost all of my chances with him.
Hey Jenn,
There is really nothing you can do accept apply no contact and improve yourself. I know you have a fear that you might not get him even after that, but that's a fear that is coming out of your codependency. If you actually work on your issues, you will realize that even if he doesn't come back, you'll still be OK. Whenever you contact him after no contact, just make sure you don't mention getting back together. Let it be his idea.
Hi Kevin ,
Me again I asked you about 5 days ago to help me with my relationship would you email me or comment back please ASAP !!!
Hey Luke,
I can't find your comment. Sorry, it must have been marked as spam. Please comment again and make sure you read the comment guidelines before you post it.
Hi Kevin. Question for you. How do we avoid the friend zone? After the break up my guy was calling every day to beg me to stay in his life as a friend (which of course I can't do). He said he no longer has feelings for me and that we will never be a couple. I thought it was strange that he was chasing me just to tell me this (essentially reject me). I have now stopped all contact abruptly. He texted twice and then stopped. It has been a week. So if after a month I tell him we can be friends would I not be giving him exactly what he begged for? I can't be friends with this guy. I am in love with him. Is this hopeless? Any advice? please?
Don't tell him directly you can be friends. Just get back in touch with him and act friendly. If you are forced to put a title on the relationship, then say you are friends. You are in the friendzone if he starts talking to you about other girls he is interested in and start asking you advice on what to do in his relationships. If it gets to that, just tell him you are not comfortable with these conversations and it's better if he discusses it with his other friends.
thanks for your reply Kevin. It means a lot to me. Sorry for the repost. I couldn't find my comment any more. It is a bit frustrating that even though he doesn't want me as a girlfriend he could absolutely not let me go and he was pursuing me to be my friend. Really weird. Starting no contact was hard but it is for the best. Once again thanks for everything. I find your site extremely helpful
Hi Kevin, I need your help! I was with my ex for five years and during that time we have had our ups and downs - also a few splits that lasted a few days. We are both in our late fourties and live quite a distance apart but were so in love. When we got back together she always said that she had tried not to love me but her love for me was too strong. Our last split is now 53 days and I have done the 30 day rule but she contacted me on day 24 about a matter that she didn't have to?? I ignored it, was that her missing me? I have now sent her a text asking how she is doing? But she hasent replied, do I have a chance of getting her back? People that know us always say that we are meant to be together and what a good couple we make. I miss her so much!
Yes, you do have a chance. Wait another week and then contact her using the letter.
Hi Kevin, I've had devastating news today ! The day started out by a friend of my ex phoning me about a matter not involving my ex, but the conversation did turn towards our split and the friend that obviously isn't that close to my ex ?encouraging me to get in touch with her and telling her how much she means to me, as she had seen her a few weeks ago and the friend had said that my ex was missing me and that she has lost weight due to the split? So I built up the courage to write a text telling her how much I love and miss her!! The return text was devastating as she told me she had moved on and was seeing another man. My world has been shattered! Obviously the weight loss has been to impress her new man. I do believe that she has been seeing this man since our split nine weeks ago but has kept it from her friends, only telling them how I have let her down so she looks to be the victim in all of this. What do I do now?? I want her back but don't think it is ever going to happen now!
Hi Kevin, I'm in a bad place right now. You say in your subscription site that its all about timming- I think I have missed that time! My ex has moved on and does not want to know me anymore. Where did I go wrong ?? I'm lonely and depressed I can't eat or sleep and have lost 20 lbs in weight, what do I do next?
Hey Terry,
Sorry about what happened. Well, first of all accept the possibility that you may never get her back. Do you still want to try and spend more time pursuing her? If so, then start no contact all over again. This time, skip the letter, and send her the text mentioned in the article. Approach her as a friend, and build attraction from there.
Thanks Kevin for getting back to me. I know that I may of lost her forever but I still love her but don't know what to do for the best. I just can't believe that she could have moved on so quickly!? We had so much in common she often said things like " we had been together in a past life and we were meant to be together". I just feel that I should try and get her back somehow.
I do love her, do you think that she still thinks about us? Could this be a rebound?
Yes, there is a possibility that it's a rebound. But you should first accept the fact that you may never get her back and be OK with it.
I'm trying my best to accept it, but it is so hard going from being so in love to loosing her, going from texting and phoning every day to no contact at all. And the worst thing of all is knowing that someone else is doing the things that I used to do with her. My friend thinks that she will realise in a few months what we had was special and contact me ? I really hope so. In the past she has ended relationships after a few months, our relationship has lasted the longest five years.
Hey Kevin, it's been 30 days NC today, I've been better than I thought I would be by going out a lot with friends, concentrating more on me, I can still laugh loads without him... but I know I still love him. A lot of guys are attracted to me (don't want to be big headed), but I want him back. We had such chemistry, a great connection and pure love. All my friends and family say I deserve better as he wasn't willing to fight for me and I was so good to him, but he was good to me too and always treated me well.
I know the last time I saw him to get my things back from his place (as I stayed over most weekends) he still loved me but was in a bad place in life, this was 6 weeks ago. He is 30 and I'm 28 and we were together just over 1 year, he said he never loved a girl like as much as he loved me, however we clashed a lot due to our strong personalities and miscommunication, my insecurities from previous relationships and his fear of loving and committing as he had his trust broken before by his first girlfriend. He said the break up was the only logical option as we tried to make it work before, and after this time apart, I agree. It couldn't have continued how it was going, we needed to face both of our issues on our own.
At the time of the breakup, I begged and pleaded to make us work but he was adamant he made his mind up, however he still wanted me in his life and texted me saying he missed and loved me every few days, however he made his mind up. It wasn't fair on me being pushed and pulled like that and I had to cut contact. I told him to help me move on by not contacting me again and he said he was sad about that but would honor and respect that, but I still wanted him to contact me (girls are confusing). I haven't heard anything from him at all, NOTHING. My question is, it's my birthday next week, if he contacts me just saying happy birthday, what do I do/ say? Also, I have decided that if he doesn't contact me on my birthday I'm going to move on. I know you suggest write a letter, but I want this to come from him and for him to want to contact me, do you agree with this?
Thanks Kevin, I really appreciate all the help and think you are so kind to take the time to help people with this relationship problems!
Hey Jane,
Send him a simple thank you if wishes you. If that's what you've decided, then you should move on in case he doesn't contact you on your birthday. That's what the no contact period is for. It gives you time to figure out what you want and what you won't accept.
Hi Kevin,
So yesterday was my birthday, he didn't send me a text and I was really upset (but I did have a great day with friends). After midnight I sent him a text to say hey, yesterday was my bday, you forgot, goodbye type thing. However, he asked if I had been home and he had sent me a card but had it special delivery so I had to sign for it, I was out so didn't get it. He said he was thinking of me the whole day. Today, I went to collect the card from the sorting office and he wrote 'wishing you a happy birthday! Not a day goes by when you're absent from my thoughts. Wishing you all the best. x' What does this mean? I sent him a text after saying 'thanks for your card.' and then about a program that we used to watch together reminding me of him and making a joke.' he's read my message but hasn't replied, what should I do?
It just means he is missing you. Wait another week and then send him a text again. And belated Happy Birthday. :)
Thanks Kevin! He replied later, saying he was sorry for the late reply but his wounds were still sore and he was still pretty shaken - he broke up with me! He's still not in a good place with his life. We whatsapped today for a while and we both said we were thinking of each other, but he said sorry if the card confused me. I suggested meeting up (perhaps too soon) and he said it could be fun but he didn't want a repeat of the last time we met (he was in tears). He said I was confusing because I said I wanted to cut and doesn't get why I would want to meet up, but he feels dearly for me. your email today 'and it's called' is so damn true! He said exactly that! I'm not sure we are worth fighting for, I think he's given up on us and would much prefer us being friends. I want us to work, he's too confused, even after 33 days NC he doesn't seem to want me back at all. What should I do?
Give him more time. That's the only thing you can do right now. I'll recommend around two weeks.
Hi kevin, I've been in a 2 years and 1 month long relationship with a girl. Of these 2 years and 1 month, more than 1 year and 8 months were a distance relationship with little to no physical contact. We are both asian living in two different european countries and her parents are muslim hence when her mother discovered about our relationship she beated her and told her to leave me. She sticked with me for a while (about two months) and she knew that if it continued i would had converted in order to take it further. However after that episode she started to distance herself and altough i moved to her country we did had little to no physical contact. We had some up and downs and i moved there to sort everything. A few weeks ago she told me she had feelings no longer and wanted to break up. I've been following your email and advice of no contact, i moved back to my country but wish to go back to hers as I enjoy the lifestyle over there and the people i met. I really do love her (otherwise i wouldn't had moved there). She is always under pressure from her parents and school and hence i did not talk about all my problems to her. She said she doesn't know what happened to her with her feelings. We used to meet about 1 to 2 times a week and it was for just over a couple of hours but it was fine for both of us. I'd like to have your advice on this and i would really do anything for her. I know it might be look like selfish to trying to have her at all cost even if it looks risky but I've arranged everything in case something was going to happen. Thanks in advance!
Marco,
It's a tough situation when religion is involved. Family pressure can affect a girl in many ways. I guess you should just keep things light and don't try to pressure her when you get back in touch with her.
Hi Kevin,
So me and my ex boyfriend has broke up 5 days ago. It was because he keeps lying to me during our 2 and half years in relationship. I always forgive him and he always promise will honest to me after we fight, but he always broke it. So last 5 days he lied to me again. I was very angry and keep cursed him and I blocked his facebook, twitter, instagram and his number on my phone. I did not contacted him for two days and I realized I miss him and decide to forgive him. So, I contact him back and do all the deadly mistakes. He did not reply any single text and calls. So, I stalked him on facebook and twitter and tried to be friend with him back but he blocked me. It was devastating. During our relationship when we were not fighting he always treat me good. He always there for me because I also have family problems. He's the only one will hear my problems. And he always give me support. I'm really confused right now. I know when he lied to me he was not worthy. But in the same time we also happy. I'm scared he will move on and forget about me.
He will not move on. He is just angry. Just follow the 5 step plan.
Kevin, My name is Jorge, 37 years old, my wife is 28 years young, and we have two beautiful children. We have been separated for nine months now, but still married. Married for six years; she broke up with me because she was tired of my mistreatments which started due to an affair she had five years ago. The relationship pretty much became sour. Since the brake up she has dated a few guys, but for the past six months she has been seen with the same guy, and my oldest tells me that he spends some weekends over the house, AS A FREIND. My wife has denied it, but has made it clear that she isn't making love to any one, she is simply satisfying her needs of a woman. She spends majority of her times at the clubs, or bars, and has been drinking much. Don't know what to do! My gut feeling tells me she has moved on, but why continue to treat me bad, and hurt my feelings if she no longer loves me? Its what she claims
Jorge,
She definitely has feelings for you still. I am sorry it happened to you. I guess you should apply no contact for a while before deciding you want to get her back or not. I don't think you were ever able to trust her again and even if you do get back together this time, I fell it won't be any different. Only think about getting back together if you are absolutely 100% sure that you will be able to trust her.
Thanks, Kevin
You're correct about the trust issue. I have tried applying the no contact for months now, but our young children make that impossible. I have no choice but to see her since the kids are their. Although, just today I blocked all her friends, family, and including her from my facebook account. It has been by far the hardest 9+ months of my life. I love her still very much, but I just have the feeling that she will continue to cheat, until she runs out of gas. What breaks my heart into a billion peace's is that my kids would rather live with me and not go with their mother. They are so young, both under the age 0f 6. They are with me every weekend, while she leaves the weekends to party or brings HER FRIEND over, while my step daughter has to witness it all. She also would rather live with me. Well thank you very much. Wish me luck, and it's all on GOD's hands now. Can no contact work when children are involved?
Hey Jorge. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. Yes, no contact is possible when children are involved. I talk about it in this article.
hello Kevin. I've had read your article about getting back your ex. and i found it such a hard thing to do it. I wanna tell you something that I am a girl who loved a girl too, in short I am a lesbian. Me and my girl just formally broke up two months ago after a one year unstable relationship because of our distance. She went back to china after she finished her practical teaching here in Thailand. We broke up because there are things we cannot meet up and I knew she really wanted us to be together as soon as possible but the time did not allow it for some reasons. I found out she's no longer happy with our relationship status. At first I asked for break up and give her time to figure out what does she really wanted. I was really bleeding for my decision that time, and I didn't notice that she's trying herself to fall to someone else. When she told me she's with someone else. I felt drown deep inside and broken, I cried silently and suddenly thought of something "Its better like that 'coz at least she chose to be with the man". But deep inside I was bleeding coz I really loved her and my love to her is sincere. Eventhough I felt this way, my heart and my mind always told me I wanted her back. What do you think I can do about this?
Follow up message:
after her last message to me I did not message her back following the rules you said from your article. I also read your messages from my email but today you sent me "the obsession syndrome. you're right ive got a lot of things in my mind this time and one thing here that confuses me is that the one you sent me today is really opposite to what is happening now. She never checked my QQ zone this days.. but i saw her online everyday. that's the thing on my mind now. what really happened? why she can afford to ignore and forget me as fast like this.
what do you think about this?
Well, there could be a lot of reasons. Perhaps she is trying to stop herself from obsessing over you and is refraining from looking at your profile. Some people just have good self control when it comes to these things. I think you should follow no contact for a month and then contact her again.
ME and my lover broke up for about a week now.. we have been together for five years he dumped me after I told him i did something very bad. He told me for now we can be friends and he will think about getting back together when im more independent and live on my own. Before that we were talking about maybe getting married to.. What should I do?
Follow the 5 step plan PandaLover.
HEY KEVIN!
Do you remember me posting here? i think not..i was that guy who went to 'bump into' my ex gf after 6 months of the break up and she didn't even respond..she kind of ran away.and i was so embarrassed and decided to quit this(you also told me to move on).
Now,sorry to bug you agaain! :/
But couldn't help but to ask you about this.so please reply.?
Today ,she called me all of a sudden after roughly 2 weeks or so ( 2 weeks after i bumped into her which turned out to be a disaster). she asked me why i was there. i was asleep when she called..so i couldn't think of any better reply..so i said..i felt bad to say some bad things during the break up so i was there to tell you that i was sorry. She listened and said ..ok..don't come to visit near the house and all...but it wasn't harsh at all ( it sounds harsh when i type here) ..she was very calm and talked just like how she used to talk when we were in love! i couldn't say anything else..i choked a bit cause i got up only then..so i said okay and hung up. i logged on to fb and when checked,realized that she had unblocked me.
so. what do you think?
p.s. i'm not desperate at all,I'm just curious and i liked the way she talked to me.
Well, perhaps she is opening up to communications with you. Perhaps now you can follow the 4th step of the 5 step plan and start building attraction.
Ha!! it was nothing. i called her later that day and she said she wasn't open for communications and blocked me again on facebook..I'm feeling so bwah right now. Not sad,but a little angry towards her. i think there isn't gonna be a future with her,but still i hope of messaging her someday (maybe a year or so later) just cause i want to be friends with her. No real feelings towards her to make me feel so down and all right now..but sometimes when you aren't around with friends and all..i feel like there's this missing piece. * tried not make it dramatic* ..you're the expert..i can do that right..cause not really interested in relationships now but i want her just as a friend(may be 4-5 months later)..i dunno whether i can keep the distance once we start talking but i want her as a friend thats all i want.thats okay right!
Another thing, i gotta tell you man, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB HERE!! i really appreciate it. You replying here to all these people who need help..that's very nice of you. keep up the good work :)
I'll not recommend going for friendship. There are millions of people out there who you can be friends with. Why her? Go out and start doing some new activities, get new hobbies and meet new people. You'll make a lot of new friends. And these will be real friends. It won't be forced friendship, like the one you'll have with her (on the off chance you are able to convince her to be friends). In my opinion, you are just using this friends thing as an excuse to convince yourself that you will not lose her from your life and maybe some time in the far future you will get back with her. Don't try to fool yourself. Be honest with yourself. If you decide to move on, move on. There is no reason in trying to be friends with an ex. Especially if you have to convince her to be your friend.
Man i wish that was easy. Its been 7 months now and i thought i wouldn't be thinking of her anymore and i was right to some extend. The thing is, thoughts about her come into my mind whenever I'm not busy and i feel so depressed. If I'm out with my friends or is busy with my family..i have no trouble..but right now I'm having a vacation frm college and i spend time alone for most of the day. 'GO out and enjoy' doesn't work that easily you knw ..most of my frnds are busy with their studies right now whereas i have got nothing to do for a week or so.
I did all the go out and make friends thing way back and trust me it wasn't that easy but i made some pretty 'okay' friends eventually. What hurts me is that she decided to block me yet again..when she unblocked me it give a slight ray of hope but it did not last long!
Yeah you are right, i might be trying to get her back using this 'friendship' as a cover. But that was the whole point of this discussion right?
i don't want her immediately..all i want is to hear from her is that she has forgiven me..i have this deep sense of guilt inside me and lots of memories with her keeps haunting me..that is why i want to make peace with her.She might have dumped me in the end but she was one hell of a gf. :/
I just meant that you should be honest with yourself. Don't tell yourself that you just want to be friends with her in the future and not get back together because that's just not true.
hmm yeah true..what I'm thinking of right now is I'm not gona try to waltz back into her life cause its just not possible and not right. So, the only time i will be contacting her will be on her birthday which is next December(did not wish her on her first bday after the split.yikes.)
a simple text message and may be (very slight chance) i might send a small present or something without writing the senders address..you might be thinking whats the point of doing something like that. ermm lets just say i want her to feel that i actually think about her even after this long(not in a desperate way) like I've become a good guy or something and he deserves forgiveness ! bwah. that's all.i hope this is okay behavior.
In my opinion, you will just be wasting money on the present. Sending presents to an ex never works in your favor.
hey thanks, you're right. Presents are somewhat more dramatic and i'll be wasting money.
let me see i have like 6-8 months ahead of me to decide..meanwhile i have to pass an exam which is very very important for me which i will try to clear in the first chance itself. ha..then i will decide on whether to send the text wishing happy birthday. i can't just let her slip through my hands you know..yes i lost her and there seems to be no way of getting her back. But somewhere down the line in 2-3 years,i want to get involved with her and I'm more than patient.
may be I'm stubborn but i can't just quit that easily..given the chance i will keep coming back
Hey Christoph,
I wish you the best. But I'll strongly recommend you date a few other girls or at least try another relationship during the time you are not in contact with her.
I just stumbled upon searching this online the web and I find it difficult for me to follow. I have my own issues because I am actually suffering from this post-denial breakup issue and I want to get my ex boyfriend back after everything put and said is done. I am really not making any progress and I need help! Pleas please reply to my letter. I am sorry if its going be long but I will try my best to keep it short and straight forward as possible.
So I met this guy last year we don't know much about each other and we only got to know a little. Weeks past when he asked me out on a date, and my friends knew already this guy likes me. I just thought of the idea and asked him if he liked me on our second date which I think was out of his plan since to tell a person u like them is too fast. I made a bad mistake but I wanted to know. well chances of everything my friends tells me are 100% true. I couldn't comprehend it because I didn't understand it. I dont find myself pretty or attractive so when he said he likes me of reasons I still don't believe him. I was told once before that time is essence, you must get to know each other first to start a relationship. so i had that foolish mindset which caused a havoc because I cannot change my mind up. I started to grow fond of him and like him in little ways possible. That saying "spark" and "butterflies" happened. I was scared to put my foot forward and saw the negativity things in all he does. I was what you call complex mind set but I honestly didn't know what to do in a relationship since he was the first. I started to open up to him, we had always little arguments that turn into big stupid ones that made me say stupid words like "lets break up" . There are times too when I said these I don't mean them. but the sad part was that when I do explain my feelings he doesn't want to listen to them he wants it in a fast track move. Wants to rush, and I am the opposite cause I don't like the rush mood. I never told our close friend, but told this friend the opposite of what he did to me the bad and negative my feelings and ways told other things. and that friend was worried. but eventually that friend knows me so well now that I keep running back. Everyone told me to break up with him because he is treating me with no respect. I listen thinking its best. But I regret them 100% because I should have believed my ex boyfriend. The problem is that I know he has bad reputation past and contacts his ex'es and contacts other women, but when he was with me he was always with me all the time. And when things did go heavy he tried his best in ways where that saying goes "love does crazy things to people" he would trespass in my apartment send me countless of letters and odd gifts. I just need a space and breathe of air. but he countless bugged me with messages of paragraphs, calls, begging for third fourth chances and for me to open up. I couldn't understand. I really couldn't. He scared me! His actions were all wrong and I was so scared he might hurt me physically but he told me he will never do that. I assume a lot of things which makes me feel stupid. But he plays dirty too, he didnt give me time to think. I just was so scared and i told him but he told me to trust him and give him another chance, but when I do he would misunderstand my words and turn it into an argurment its like when we were happpy he just breaks it and his mood changes. He said so himself that he screwed up. I KNOW for myself I did something and hurt him with words but I only did that because I dont want to get hurt more. But all those months before he hurt me with words and that stuck cuz when i try to ignore and forgive him the memory of it hurts so much. I know he does not mean what he says but i want him to understand my side too. He demanded so much chances but I just got scared. He told he hates my attitude that i dont know how to end relationships. but i thought ending it by talking to each other it wont work out and give time. he agreed to it, then he message me he wants me back and im stupid to notice it. The last days were when he asked to meet up but I stood him up because i listen to a friend and they said do u want to be called a bitch by him again? i let the change slip. and when i saw him again then i refused to talk to him. it was all too much for the both of us or just I. When I didn't hear from him for weeks I got news he was actually gone off the country! And received an email that he thinks I am happy and he thinks I thought of him badly in terms of physical appearance and wishes to talk to me again if ever.
It took 3 nights with no sleep and food when I replied to him back. Saying sorry and yes to agree to talk to him. What made me cave in was when I realized that saying "once you push someone away from you and when they're gone you will regret it" and that stuck cause I pushed him away because of how scared and confused of his actions and words he did towards me. I couldnt take anymore pain. but to the point and I reason it out that I really needed him, want him back, my heart is aching and i dont even eat properly. we are now on a long distance communication thing. but that too was also rocky.
He never understand that I rush home like crazy to even talk to him cause our time zones are different. To the point i have no more topics to provide anymore and he calls me im boring to the point it hurt my feelings and i told him that. we were always arguing via messages but once we skype i dont show emotion. i hide them because i feel that answering back with hateful heart is not good. He was over reacting to the smallest things I type or say. We were off and on. even long distance. when I finally felt that he doesn't want me anymore he showed it with his actions even on skype. HE gives me the cold shoulder, but he tells me everyday "i want to talk, lets talk, can i talk to u" and when i say sure, yes, ok when we do. he doesn't talk at all. i always ask the hey how are u, oh u know what something happened, so hows work or etc. i tried my best! but he sleeps on me, ignores me, then when we hung up message me that im boring and he thinks to himself that we're not compatible and that he doesnt like me anymore.
since February to march i felt the pain of karama, i know i pushed him but I am trying my best to make it work. I dont like the idea of long distance because it is not easy. my friends noticed how i dont eat or sleep or even do anything they are so worried i might end up killing myself over it. i am tired as well. he gives me mix signals and words. i even cried when i just cant take anymore. i told him it takes two people to work into this relationship and i ended it. he then calls to fix it so i cave in once more. then it was the same. he tells me i dont show anymore emotions like a dead robbot., its just that i got so hurt many times i dont see the point of showing emotions towards it.
and what I really dont understand is this.
Why would you tell me "I love you" "I need you in my life" "till you or I die, I need you and want you with me" "lets be together lets be engaged". then I fall for those words but the communication speaks otherwise .
its not healthy they say if you feel less and unwanted. My friends talk to me saying "he tells you he loves you, but then he treats you like shit!" when i dont say much he goes "your fucking boring" and when i make an excuse not to talk "is that all you can fucking give? fuck you dont ever contact me again" and "dont be stupid!" when the real truth is that i dont understand his questions on silly matters. "come visit me" but when we argue "I will treat u like shit and leave u" . tot he point I just broke out and said I had ENOUGH cause I tried my damn best to even work it out! I know I dump him last year cause of reasons. and when he tells me lets work it out I AM TRYING MY BEST. but he just backs off. I hate it and it hurts my brain . I didnt contact him for weeks, I blocked him in all social media and when I was doing alright he call and apologize to me.
we are back into talking. he asks me to come visit him. but i really dont know. i want to so bad but i have no money and i cant just give up my dreams in college and whatever. but he is making it sound like i need him more.
help help help!
sorry for the long message. but i am already at the point of depression or just starving myself. its not healthy.
First of all, you need to start no contact again. This time, don't answer his calls or texts. Block his number and stay no contact for at least two months. In my opinion, he is abusive and you should stay away from him at all cost. But, you need to decide on your own if he is good for you or not. That's why you should do at least two months no contact. During this two months, you have to force yourself to do anything you can to make yourself happy. Get new hobbies, join a gym, eat healthy etc. You will not feel like doing it, but you have to force yourself. Otherwise, you will never be able to get out of this dark place.
Hello Kevin!
Thank you so much for replying to my long message (sorry about the paragraph book format) anyways. Recently we did contact but I feel totally drained. We had a row, he got all crazy mad because I misheard him when he kept asking me some question that turned into a murmur. And when I answered differently, his voice changed in an angry hurl. I kept my mouth shut. But the fumes is burning. I was 80% burning in rage. I thought he would change his attitude. Yes it's my mistake for answering the wrong question, but he didn't state it clear. So in the end, I was called a "bitch" "stupid" "friendless" just because I didn't say "sorry, and please". I am so tired from today that I really couldn't care less on this. But he even dared lectured me on my attitude when HE himself cannot see it. He tried the threat "I will leave you I am so damn frustrated" I just remembered what you commented and I answered him "OK" because from then on I don't care if he leaves. I am being treated with all means of disrespect. He even threaten me that if ever he sees me in another country he will fire me or report me off. And when I try to speak or voice out myself, he tells me "shut the f*k up, I'm talking bitch". For the past 20-30 minutes on call all I heard were the F and B words combined. I hung up on him. Blocked him. Removed everything. Deleted all photos we had together, memories of conversations. His gifts down the garbage shoot. He is calling me on my number but I turned it off. I cannot block it cause I dont have that feature app. This is verbal abuse isn't it? He made me so angry that I had enough. I will agree to that 2 month no contact and even longer. If I stay with him, he will physically abuse me. from his tone of voice I cannot stand it. I want out. He keeps yelling that I am being "mean" and "rude" and "immature" he lectured me about "age" when he himelf cannot act like a man and stop pressuring me. From all his words, I'm not I am careful with my words because I fear I'd be lectured or even worst cursed like crazy. So that happened this week. I don't want this anymore. Is it wrong to even ignore him? like when we just talked , but he was already be belittling me and making me feel worst than I am feeling, I just blocked him and ignored him. This is not love anymore its like a toxic fumes I am inhaling. I hate it. So I will do the ignoring. I have been keeping myself occupied, reading books, dance classes, finding parttime jobs, and eating !
Hey,
You did great and I am really proud of you for what you did. You did nothing wrong. He is extremely abusive and in these two months, you are going to realize how much you were letting him disrespect you. From what you are saying, your relationship was definitely abusive and I'll not recommend you get back with him ever. Welcome to a new life. :)
So my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. We dated for 2 and a half years, and we seemed madly in love. We had problems, and argued sometimes, but a lot of the times were happy. We were in long distance for the last few months of our relationship, and I had been drinking, and a girl who i was friends with got close to me while we were talking and I kissed her. I told my ex about it and she was very upset (called me names etc.) We remained together for about a month after, and then she broke up with me. We still continued to talk, and I did not act super needy, and we actually agreed to not talking for about a month and a half until I came home and could see her. When I came home and went out to eat with her, she told me that she was over it and had moved on, and I still wanted to try again, and I made my intentions known. We parted pretty well, and texted a bit over the next couple days, and she said things like we didn't have to hate each other and stuff. And then I saw her again a few days later to give back stuff. She was very emotional and when I asked if she was okay, she said it was upsetting. We hugged for about 15 seconds before I left, and I tried to give her a kiss, but she turned away and said she didn't think it was a good idea. Then I texted her later saying I wanted to talk to her again, and she didn't respond, so I texted her a couple days later asking to talk, and the next day texted her again and finally got a response. We talked a day later on the phone, and she was very angry at me for continuing to try and contact her and told me not to anymore, said she still hadn't forgiven me, and did not believe me when I said that I didn't go into that situation knowing that the kiss would happen, and I never intended for it to. I still honestly want her back, and I for the first time lost it and called her crying on the phone at night. The next day, I texted her and apologized and asked her to talk again, and she told me if I contacted her again it would become a legal issue. I'm not really sure what to do now, we tried no contact, she still hasn't forgiven me, and she believes that she cannot trust me and all of her friends and family think I am wrong for her. We had great chemistry and so many wonderful times and good memories, and I was planning on marrying her. I will be back at the same school next year, and we will be around each other a lot. Is there any shot I can get her back? I took the little quiz, and got a 65% chance, but I feel like I let all my shots slip away by not initiating a no contact period by myself, and complying with all of her terms after the break up in a very passive way. I didn't handle it well, and when we did talk, there was arguing and stuff. She believes that I do not meet up to her standards, and I had misrepresented myself towards her. Do you think I could send her an e-mail in a few weeks saying that I have accepted it and moved on etc, to try and initiate my own no contact period per se, even though we won't be talking because of how angry she was when I tried last time. What do you think?
I think you should do no contact for 2 months and then contact her. Her anger would have subsided by then and she will be open to having a conversation with you.
Hey,
So I dated a girl who was super crazy (cheating pathological liar, manipulative etc etc) and I started talking to one of her younger sisters and we really hit things off. We went out, have slept at my apartment and had great times together. She has told me she feels more comfortable with me than anyone else she had ever been with, but one of my friends let the beans spill to her older sister(ex) who has since then given me death threats and freaked out at me. The younger sister says she can't handle everything she's dealing with (school/work/her sister). I miss her but feel like I may be wasting my breath trying to get her back. I was a little bit too attentive at times...
Give her space and time. Although, you'd be better off staying away from the entire family. You are just inviting trouble for yourself.
Hi Kevin,
I randomly came across your site it's brill although I am finding it difficult. I was in a shirt term long distance relationship last year that was ended by my ex boyfriend a week or two after my birthday . Reason I was given was that he wants to focus on his education and wanted to be on a two year break. Obv I did everything that I shouldn't have done (beg cry etc...) . Then randomly I became so insecure because he got so distant and I stalked Facebook found a pick of him and another girl together. Questioned him he explained she was just a mate I took his word for it. Same night on questioning him about this pic he said he wanted to break up and not be on a break because it's for the "best". I just agreed for him. My insecurities got worse and insane I was constantly watching his Facebook and msgs. He would reply to my msgs but avoid phone convo and this made things in my mind worse. Randomly one night he was a bit rude and I had a good nag and a moan as he was being very rude and calling me weak etc and threatened to block me on whatapp and delete my number. I did moan at him and was so crazy that I called 20 times or so when he was ill and it got on his nerves . Then two days later stalking Facebook saw another pic of him and this girl in matching colour clothes on the girls profile and everyone is commenting saying aww we are happy for u. My ex didn't think I would find out . I begged him to tell me the truth and he told me he slept with her and now then two are not on talking terms as he wants to focus on his work ( rebound relationship) he started being normal with me again and I was stupidly happy thinking he's not with her anymore and to save the relationship I decided I will ignore what he did but it was two hard because I had constant digs and then I would say sorry and beg. It's been on and off since December I have tried but each time I make a effort I either get a rude response, get ignored , I beg it makes no difference. I asked him about this girl in his life he's told me that they both still tlk but he dnt see a future with her but he does with me but he cannot guarantee. I've tried my utmost with him but my insecurities , desperation and moaning has got worse and last week I said something for his benefit and he took me so wrong that he ended up being so nasty. Again I said sorry and Tried to save the relationship or what's left. He's blocked me off Facebook he told me himself and refuses to add me back on because he thinks I'm insecure and it will cause problems. Very recently he removed his time stamp off what app so I can't see his last seen time. I've lost all self respect and I know how needy I look and the more I contact the more ruder or blunter her gets and it's a vicious cycle . I thought of no contact because I really love him and want him back because we were very happy . Everyone around me (family) hates him and wants me to move on but it'd too hard fior me I haven't tried hard enough but I would like to help myself. But by giving it a try. He still has over a year left of studies I want to be the girl he fell in love with not this desperate person . Please help ? ;(
Follow no contact and learn to be happy without him. Don't contact him unless you realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy.
my ex and I have been together for more than 2 years and 10 months. we're both 17 and juniors in high school. so basically on Tuesday, he broke up with me stating he had lost feelings. I told him to stay for a little longer because feelings can come back over time. he ended the relationship, then and there, he also told me I was beautiful and that I deserved somebody better, and we weren't meant to be, and that there was a chance we would probably be together senior year. so Wednesday, I walked up to him during school and asked what he wanted, he told me he didn't know. so I asked if he wanted time and space, he said "yeah, I guess." we haven't spoke since. so my questions are, can time and space make him realize he misses me and get his feelings to come back? and do I have a chance to get him back after he lost feelings for me?
Yes, it can make him miss you. You do have a chance. Follow the advice in the article.
So my boyfriend left me, in a relatively harsh way. But I wasn't acting myself (picking fights etc) but we moved in with each other quickly and the pressure and stress from financial strain was enough to make both of us go crazy. He took control of all financial stuff and one day it just got too much and he got up and left when I was working and then called to say he was gone. It absolutely broke me.
2 days later we met up, before I saw him I was a mess, a horrible mess. Then I saw him and I was instantly smiling we spent the whole two hours laughing and joking and making personal jokes as well! Unbelievably ability to make me happy at my lowest and I could see he was happy too.
Then since then, we've been texting almost all the time, and our texts resembles the ones where we were only just friends before casually seeing each other and then obviously officially dating. We talk about our days and make jokes and talk about random things just to keep texting each other, also making personal jokes all the time. We're also going to gym together in a few days (that's something we did together) I love him, and I obviously want him back. But we're texting like we're best friends and it soothes the pain. I'm thinking he'll fall in love with my bubbly self again, if I keep texting that way. (I wasn't bubbly in the last month of dating, incredibly stressed and negative). Do I keep going? It makes me okay with the break up, and makes me feel there's still something there '. Is there a chance?
You have two options,
a) Continue with the texting and meeting him and then eventually ask him to get back together.
b) Tell him you need space and time, apply no contact for a while, then get back in touch.
I'll recommend option b. But it's your choice.
Hey, me and my ex had been together for a year on nd off,we live together and he broke up w. Me and we still live together.. would this plan still work?
Yes, it probably would.
Kevin,
Yesterday was a year my ex walked out. She as far as I know had been dating a few different people.. Its been very very hard to deal with.. I have not had contact with her in several months. Then last night at 12:15am she txted me and said "1year and it still hurts " I'm not sure what this means.. Or how to respond. The answer is yes I would rejoice if she came back to me.. But I dont know what to say.. Please help..
Contact her after a week. Start building attraction with texts. Then ask her out. She misses you. It's a good time to contact her.
So my GF and I broke up after being together and living together for two yrs. it’s been since Feb 2nd when she moved out and she finally cut all ties with me on Feb 22nd she has blocked my # and I can only email or call her at work .....I have seen her and contacted her several times here and there and did exactly the opposite of the articles in some situations. But she still talked to me when she did and so forth.....I last stop going by and doing things for her and looking for her on March 21st. She has been seeing her X and I am guessing someone else not sure.....
I know the X for sure because she broke up with me telling me that she was still in love with him and so forth while we lived together....she said that she was just using me for two years to help her forget about him. That she was never in love with me and didn’t love me. I have had several situations within the two years that we would fight or argue about something and she would run back to see him while with me, that is the main reason we fought was because of this x that she has been with for 5yrs. and then hooked up with me for 2yrs after they broke up for only 1.5 months.....
I know that she didn’t give herself time, after the break up, but she fell in love with me she said (in previous conversations) and that I made her forget about him and so forth. I didn’t get how I did that then but now I can’t???????
well I have been without her and she has been with him (I think), which bothers me because at one point in our break up she left me for about a week and was with him and then she came back to me because she realized I was the better guy for her. I still don’t understand that when she now moved out and went to start seeing him again, she says he is not wanting her back because of what she has done to him with the back and forth and but obviously that is not the issue.......
also her daughter is in the middle of all this she is turning 9yrs old so she is seeing what is going on and it’s so unhealthy for her to confuse her.....it’s not the baby’s father BTW it’s just a BF that has wasted 5yrs of her life and never married her or anything.
I am missing the baby a lot as well I got close to her and living together for almost 2yrs it’s hard because i felt like a father....even though she knows the X since little but they never really saw each other that much as I did living together. My X is turning 28 this year and I am 41 so it’s a big age difference but I don’t get why she continues to feel love for the X and not with me.....I know I was a little hard on her and he seems to be easy going according to her, but it’s time to be a woman and grow up......obviously the X doesn’t care and is easy going and wanting more from her but what he gets..
mind you they have never lived together, I have taken a father role in every direction for two years with the baby and also being with her every day for two years does not compare with only seeing each other during weekends and after work or spend summer times together.......
I gave a lot in this relationship......I just don’t know how she is not seeing the bigger picture of all this......families are involved, friends are also........so we have shared a lot , also her own family told her I was the better person for her in the long run....I was willing to marry her after two yrs. ....but it has been a crazy two years because I let it happen her seeing him behind my back when we got mad and taking her back......while we lived together........
Please give advice to this crazy madness of my story.....thanks
Dark Knight
Hey,
I think your best bet is to leave her alone and let her realize it on her own what she is leaving behind. If you try to convince her, she is only going to put up her defenses. I know what happened sucks, but in my opinion, she never got the time to get over her ex. This craziness might just be the thing she needs to get over him for good. So give her this time and you keep your cool. Don't ask her to get back together. Let it be her idea. Get back in touch after a month and play it cool.
Hello,
I am keeping my cool and staying away.....but how can she get over him when she continues to see him and he allows it....????? I am reading books that are helping and blogs as well. I am trying to focus on just me, but it’s hard when you dedicated 2yrs of your everyday life and living with someone and there child and all the sudden they moved out because of insecurity and childish behavior and because they are running back to a past X........I just wish she would have grown up and realize a reality check of life. what I failed to mention to you is that she attended some seminar back on Feb. 21- 23 and that’s what made her realize a lot of things and cut me off was one of them.......it was supposed to help her find herself and be true to herself and that is when she told me that she is still in love with her X and was never over him.......and that she used me for two years to try to forget him, I don’t believe that because we did a lot together from traveling the world and also our families involved. I do appreciate the response you gave me thank you, I am just still feeling lost in all this because how can she just cut me off so sudden and go back to a past that never really made a move forward to make you completely his. After 5yrs, you would think to marry that person. Also the baby, what do I do, I miss her and want to see her but, it’s not my child nor his, so I guess I have to stay away until she decides what to do….right? The baby loved me so much……….
You mentioned get back in touch after a month do you mean with you, or with her???? I am little lost on that one.........
I meant get back in touch with her. If you think she needs more time, make it two months. Good luck.
Hello Kevin,
you never really replyed to the above second part of the issue, what do you think about that? we still have not contacted each other and I have not looked for her.......the April 7th 8:47AM blog
Hey,
It seems I missed a couple of your questions there. OK, there is a chance that getting back in touch with her will make her realize that she doesn't love him anymore and that she deserves someone better than him. A lot of people get closure after getting back in touch with their exes and realizing that they don't have feelings for them anymore. This might be the case for her. However, there is also a slight chance that she might get into a relationship with him (as bad as it may be) and continue seeing him. There is of course, no guarantee what she will decide. Since you don't have any other option, you will have to take this risk. As for the kid, if you really want to keep in touch with her you can contact your ex and see if she agrees to arrange something. But it will just look like you are using her daughter to get her back.
My friend has a child with his ex-girlfriend. They see each other every day to take care of their child. He can’t have no contact with this ex because of their child. He wants to get her back but she is with a new guy. They have only been dating for a few weeks but she has told him that he didn’t treat her right and this guy is treating her right. I thought he should try and give her random flowers to show how much he loves her for being the mother of his child. I told him to possibly invite her out to dinner one night, just to hang out but to make the actual reservations. Show her that he has changed for the better. What do you think?
I don't think giving her flowers is going to help his case. If she has already broken up with him, she will think that he is doing all these things just to get her back. A better approach is to leave her alone for a while and then contact her using the methods in the article.
Hi Kevin,
So here's my situation. My ex and I went out for a year and it was a great relationship, we both thought it was the best of all because it was different and slow paced.. but suddenly I graduated and left high school and things changed. I started to feel like I didn't want to be with her all the time like before and I ended up breaking up with her. I did it in person but for some reason I thought I made mistake. I had different priorities on my mind that weren't even important. I asked her if we could try again and we did but we broke up a second time because of the short communication. the last time we went out was when we weren't together and she cried to me a lot and asked why I didn't love her and I didn't know what to answer I was a bit confused.. so she thought we were completely done and she got with another person as to help her move on.. a rebound relationship. but before that happened after 1-2 months I realized that I did want to be with her because I thought long and hard about it and want her back but she's with the other guy.. she says she still loves me a lot but doesn't want to her hurt the other guy after all he's done and says she cant trust my love as she think its a passive feeling.. she told me to give her time and she told she doesn't want me to wait for her which obviously means she does and I said I would but I also begged a bit and told her I loved her and stuff like that but I just stopped.. she told me that later on we can try again but as for right now we cant.. so should I jut start the no contact rule and find myself being better and happier person without her?
Yes, you should start no contact. Her rebound relationship is probably going to end soon.
Ok. How long should I do no contact and what should I do after that?
One month and contact her using texts or the letter as mentioned in the article.
what if she's still in the relationship with the other guy?
Doesn't matter. You should still contact her.
kevin my ex came done to visit me and said that he wanted to see how the weekend would go and possibly continue what we had in the past. he is wanting to get serious and move towards settling down (marriage). i was so excited to see him bc even though we have been friends i have always cared about him. he means so much to me. well i planned an amazzing time for us and thought everything was going well. we did get into small fights but they were over petty things like where to eat etc. while he was here i asked him so where is this going? i just wanted to know bc i felt like i deserved to know. we are spending time together and getting intimate so i had every right to know. he was never direct but he did ask me if i could see myself with him in the future and of course i said yes. we didnt really have a convo about it bc he wanted to just focus on the weekend and worry about the future later. well when he left i got angry and texted him saying how disapointed i was in him not telling me how he feels and i demanded an answer. he sent me an email talking about how much he adores me but then he gave a few reasons why he thinks we cant be together. he thinks i am not confident or direct, i pout and this is a sign of immaturity, i can be impulsive and need to work on being more intuitive etc. i was angry bc he knew how i was before he came done and i feel like a weekend was not enough for him to come these conclusions. first of all i am direct and i am confident...there are times where i may not be but this is normal for everyone. pouting is normal to me ..women do it. how could he sit there and say that i am immature? atleast i show my emotions. he is bad about being open but claims he is direct but if he was direct he would have said this to my face not in an email. he says he is mature and i am immature but mature ppl talk about things and if you want to be in a committed relationship you take the good and the bad of who you want to be with and compromise to make things work. he says he doesnt want to be in a relationship where he has to change anyone or himself. ppl change in relationships as time goes by so what he said makes no sense. anywyas i am upset bc i got so excited to see him and as soon as he left my world has been upside down. i loved this guy..i accepted all his flaws. i looked past them but he cannot accept me. i feel so used. i blew him up with texts and calls and he has ignored me for the past six days. i am on day three of no contact. i just dont understand why he would ignore me if what he emailed me was true that he does not want to be with me. all i wanted to do was have a discussion with him about what happened. i wanted to tell him how i am disappointed in myself and in him for not setting clear boundaries from the start. i feel so blind...i never knew he was upset with me while he was here. i was happy seeing him but inside he was resenting being with me. i really planned a greattrip for him...i went out of my way! it really hurts bc i gave up my time heart and body for him and he cant even pick up the phone to talk to me. i know he mentioned that he would like to talk once everything calms down ..but why wait? if he meant what he said in the email he should be confident in his decision and tell me. i am miserable and he is living his life well! in the email it seemed like he was so indesicive...one minute he says he doesn't see us together and in the end he says as of now he doesn't see us together. i never expected to be his gf in over a weekend i wanted to see if we were both still that interested in trying to make it work in the future. i am in school and so is he so there is no rush. but i know i want him and will do what i need to do to make it work. why cant he do that for me? did he play me and bring up the future thing as a way to get what he wanted when he was in town? i keep going back and forth replaying everything and it upsets me bc i thought he was a decent and honest guy who would be upfront with things. instead everything he pointed out about me is just a reflection about himself. its immature to ignore a person especially one you adore and know that she is hurt. ignoring is a sign of pouting and getting upset. it also shows the lack of confidence you have in addressing issues. if he wanted to get married there will be bigger issues than this ...so if he cant address this how could he address other issues? anyways i am hurt and need to know if there is any hope...i am going to do the no contact thing and work on myself even though it is hard..but will he ever call me? i feel like i ruined everything by being so emotional and showing him i am feeling...i wish i could redo everything! i showed him everything he hates about me. if i never get him back all id like is just a conversation with him. id feel so much better. i know i can move past this ...i just hope that bc he is ignoring me its bc he needs time to think not bc he was a douche bag that came down to use me. and i forgot to mention he thinks that i wont drop everything and ppl around me and depend on only us if we got serious...its like he is questioning my strength. i know it takes hard ass work to be in a serious relationship and when you are in love you will do what you need to do. i stay with my parents bc i can and i am in school but this is a choice i made. so that shouldnt determine my independence. i think he does not know me well enough to make his conclusions. or he propbaly does not like me the way i like him. i am so confused....please lend me your advice
I agree with you. It was immature of him to react the way he reacted. And from what I read, it seems you are the one who is more mature in the relationship. Regardless, there is nothing else you can do right now except follow no contact. So do that. Try to stop obsessing over him so much.
Kevin,
So my girlfriend decided to break it off about a month ago for a whole bunch of reasons. And recently I went to her parents and grandmothers house for advice. Mostly from her parents and her grandmother told her I visited her and that we talked. Understandable. So, I received a phone call from my ex saying you have to stop doing this to yourself. Im trying to be nice about it, but you coming to my family isn't going to help you. So basically I told her how I felt and the reasons why she won't take me back. She kept saying idk to everything I said, but you have to move on. Just move on. I asked her if there was any chance we could get back together in the future, she said i don't know what the future holds, but right now move on. I texted her a week after she completely ended it. Just told her i was thinking of her. She answered back all basic. She drunk texted me once and i answered all basic. So i started no contact a couple of days ago. Just want to know if you think she really has made her mind up? She seemed so mad and sure on the phone when we spoke. Need your help.
I think there is still hope and it's worth trying at least once.
My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after 5 years of dating. I have trust issues and tend to blurt out ridiculous accusations when I am really angry. She didn't tell me herself because she was afraid of my reaction so she had a friend do it. Two days after she accidentally(her words) text messages me and by the end of the conversation of her apologizing. I tell her I have moved on,over it,passed it, and that she shouldn't dwell.Her next response is confusing or maybe I am over analyzing it, but she says "ok. Well bye then Ari"(Ari is a nickname she uses for me sometimes)..After I did not text back and we haven't spoken since.
Is there still a shot?
Yes there is. Follow the advise in the article.
Ok so here's my situation.
I admit i'm a very jealous person. My ex and I fought alot, sometimes 4 times a week, but it because he couldn't stop doing the thing i don't like. Like taking pictures with his ex or even talking to her. I went to his prom day just for him and he didn't even sit with me one hour. At first i was sure that he loves me and really wants me. But then, he barely called me and he changed.. he always told me that he didn't like how we're fightening almost everyday. It's just that he couldn't stop the thing he's doing. We talked the day after the prom and he said that he wants to break up with me, i told him don't you love me? how do you want to leave then you promised you wouldn't. after a long talk he said that he wanted a break. i said okay and we didn't talk for a week now, i didn't call nor text him but, i talk with alot of people about it, matual friends. And they go talk to him about everything. i really love and want him back i'd do anything to spend my life with him. Help me?
Follow the advise in the article Diana.
I'm a male and I have been dishonest with my girlfriend, I've been with her for 6 years and have 3 kids with her (2 are from a previous marriage of hers but I count as mine as I have brought them up) I had real issues throughout the relationship of opening up to her, I would keep things to myself and if she found out from another source she would go mad, but always made up quickly however last summer I broke her heart by hurting her trust in me, I didn't cheat on her but my actions affected her family. We split up but in November she asked me back to try again, it was great she was sending me lovely messages of fresh starts etc but never went as far as saying she loved me except a ditto when I said it to her, then February this year she said she needed space from me and asked me to move out, a week later she ended it saying she can't forgive me as it's too big. Since then she said she doesn't want the kids to know about us and doesn't want to introduce another man in to their lives ever, I took this as a positive, so we pretend I'm still living there and she is great in regards to letting me be there with the kids, a few weeks ago she text me saying she missed me and missed sex with me, she then apologised in the evening for leading me on, I have found out now that she is seeing someone else, if I don't see her or speak to her for more than a day she texts me to ask if I'm ok, is she still hoping for reconciliation or is she using me? I've read the way some people can shut off all feelings but my ex seems to be keeping me around, sometimes I catch her looking at me and it's the old look of love and intensity we once had, our relationship was outstanding in every aspect and I ruined it, I'm holding on to hope that I will be part of this family again, just want some advice thanks
I decided to have the no contact rule on monday and on tuesday night she text asking if i was ok, i replied because i was weak! we chatted and she said she wasnt happy with the path she is following but also doesnt want to be the person that forgives me because it will make her feel horrible.
Were getting on because I do see the kids often, just dont know if its heading in the right direction or i'm believing it in my own head.
When i'm in the house she is open with regards to things like walking around in her underwear or she is in the bath etc and asks me to get her a drink etc, no awkwardness but i guess 6 years of me she is comfortable, my heart says she still loves me and my head is leaning that way too, but I do over analyze things sometimes.
Ive started being the confident guy this week and gently flirting when appropriate, I feel better with myself and I go to the gym a lot now to air my frustrations.
hope you can help
Steffan,
You will have to apply no contact. Tell her you need some space and time and start no contact. At least for two weeks. Then get back in touch with her and slowly take things forward.
Thanks Kevin, I think it's the only way forward, what about the kids though? Do I organise set times to see them so I avoid her?
Cheers
If you can do that, it'll be great. If you have to see her, even then it's OK as long as you don't talk to her about anything personal.
Hi Kevin, I'm with my youngest this weekend and I'm going to tell her calmly on Sunday when I drop him off that I need space from her, I'm still confused as to what to do with the kids but my head is saying a 2 week no contact break is better than 2 weeks but with intermittent contact seeing me when I see the kids, do you think so?
Yes, I do think so. If it's possible, do it.
Hi Kevin, just told her and it went down like a lead balloon, just kept saying that I shouldn't have messed it up in the first place, how could I do what I did, she was happy with our family etc, just kept repeating what I did, I'm going to see the kids but try and somehow do it away from her, she was making me feel guilty about not seeing the kids, I'm under such a spell with get it kills me.
I hope this works
She is trying to make you feel guilty so she doesn't have to own up to her actions. You are willing to make it work and she is not. It's as much as her fault as it is yours. Don't let her guilt trip you into anything. Do what you think is best for you. If you think the kids will be okay about not seeing you for a couple of weeks, do it.
Hi Kevin, I will see the kids because I love them, it's day 1 of no contact, I was around the house last night and as I put the kids to bed she was ushering me out of the house with haste, as I leave a car turns up so I guess she is still seeing this guy, she texts me to apologise for ushering me out with haste and said she didn't want to come across as being rude, I didn't reply, I picked my son up this morning and I didn't step in the house and I didn't look at her, it kills me seeing her, already she is texting but about my boy, which I reply too, she then calls me to ask If I have something of his but I can tell from her voice she is confused from the happy chatty guy last night to me ignoring her, it's going to be a long 2 weeks but it's got to be done now for my own self worth.
All the best Steffan.
Hi Kev, would this plan still work when it was agreed between me and my partner that we'll treat each other like strangers from this point forward? After constant fights and "breaks" which involved me committing a majority of the deadly mistakes you mention in your site, I told my boyfriend ok if this is what you really want then I'd like us to stop all form of contact and remain strangers. He agreed that this would be the best solution for us. If he is aware that I won't be contacting him, is there any chance of me getting him back?
I'll recommend you keep no contact for 60 days. I think it's worth trying to contact him after that. If he doesn't respond, then you can move on.
Hello,
Sorry for my not so good english.. :) I try my best.
So my problem is this "normal".
Ex left and I would want to know if there is any chances to get back together or not.
Our trip started almost 3 years ago. We lived in different countries ( inside Europe still) so we had only letter friendship at the beginning.
He moved to me last July so we lived together only 7,5 months when he got enough.
We had huge fight before that and then he said he wants to find own apartment.
We both are really strong persons so fight comes easily.
After, we always said sorry and all beautiful things and that we love each other more than anything.
So after that one huge fight...
He moved away. I asked was he sure about it and does he understad that relationship is then over. He didnt want that.. he said he wants to still meet and do together nice things and try to get those stronger feelings back because he remerbered how happy we was before. Fights was there too often so he wanted to cool down our situation.
I didn´ want that but after few days thinking I thought maybe it was a great idea. Both have time to think and miss each other and have own space.
He seemed to be happy when I called and told I want to try. We met and talked much about our relationship. We made decision that we try.
So.. We only met few times during that 1,5 week and then one day he send me message that he don´t come to me that evening. He don´t feel good.
I called and asked if he is sick. No.. just tired he said.
I had feeling there that everything is not okay. I asked what´s going on, why I have feeling that I´m now the onlyone who try to keep this relationship alive even when that was his idea.
He said that he don´t have feeling anymore.. not so strong ones.
What?! Just few weeks ago we had talked about marriage and kids and we was planning trip which we bought too. And he was so happy about everything.. even more than me.
And now he said he don´t have feelings. Just when he was moving out he was crying and said it's so difficult because he has this feelings.
It´s too late to fix things he said on the phone. " I should have said this when I was moving out."
And he was crying again and said.. Heart would want but head say different.
I really can´t understand. I was shocked.
Man who just say to me that he loves me so much act then like that?!
Why? And what was the reason?
He was living there.. in the school.. and he has just said to me that he don´t try to find apartment only for this few months because school is soon over. So of course I took it like he want to move then back.
I can´t believe that feelings can just die.
I feel myself like betrayed.
He have done same kind before.. saying that now it´s end. We only havent´t even met yet.
He deleted facebook friendship and so on.. Our longest break up was two weeks.
And then he always call or send letter or something where he is crying and saying he wants me back.
I should open my eyes already and see this impossible relationship.
I still have feelings so much! I though everything gonna change when we finally live together. And all went so good. Yes.. there was fights but not so bad ones like our latest.
His one reason why he wanted to move out was that he haven´t felt my home like our home. Because in some fights I ( stupid stupid me) used it against him.
He was really stressed before this break up.
He has moved here to learn language and it wasn´t sure can he continue that after summer. So he would need to move then back his homeland immediately after school and continue working there because his work place needs him till june 2015.
I don't know was this one reason for his behavior.
I can't move with him because I have my studies here still few years.
If there is some other woman.. I don´t think so because he was always home with me and didn´t have any own things.. Only that school and there can´t be anyone for him.
His behavior is weird.
He haven´t delete me from facebook. Still have there picture where we are together or our legs are there together. And just few days ago he shared there song which text was totally like from our life like words: do me this favor and give it time.. time reveals. And our love is real and true.
Of course I don´t know does this mean anything. Maybe only stupid dreams from little girl.. even when I'm 32years old.. and he btw 33.
I follow your program.. ten days already.
I haven´t answer his message. He has found my shirt in his car and want to return it.
And he needed my help to find an address to one place.
So no.. no answer. But then he send message to my mum where he asked am I alright because he haven´t reached me and he have worries about me.
So I needed to answer where I only say that we don´t have to meet. I gave him address where he will find what he need and shirt he could drop to my postbox.
Okay, was his answer.
So yes... ten days now and I'm proud of myself that I have survived without him.
So.. what do you think? Should I continue my life without hopes that maybe there´s still something and we can work out things?
Or should I really forget him?
I hope my english wasn´t so bad :)
Hey Nora,
Sorry you have to go through this breakup. I am glad you are feeling better after 10 days. In the next 20 days, you'll feel even better. Don't forget to make some positive changes in your life during these 20 days. I think you do have a chance to get back together. Try getting him back once using the plan, and if it doesn't work, then move on.
hi kevin, i had been in 1yr and 2months relationship with my girlfriend. she broke up with me for some other boy. never thought she would do it as she showed her love and care so much when she was with me. and i did beg her to not to leave but she didnt even listen. i called her many times and even texted. but after 3 days of total sadness i decided to move on and i did. and i have never contacted her for almost 3 months. and have never seen her. and i went in to a relationship with someother girl. she then send me a friend request on fb and and also follows me in fb and sends me messages . after total month of her disturbness one night i toked to her and that lead to me getting bak with her and breaking up with the new girlfriend. and now we are together. kevin. tell me wat to do inorder to make her more in to me and make her not leave me. she said she cudnt be with other guys. she went in to a relationship with other boy cuz she kinda felt bored of me. and now that she realised that she cudnt live without me. and she says she wudnt do that again. kevin plx tel me wat shud i do? i think i already being needy?
There are a lot of things you can do to keep the spark alive in the relationship. This comment section is not a place to cover everything. I think you need to first work on your neediness. You need to accept the fact that even if she does leave you again, it will not be the end of the world. She left you once, and you went through the pain and got her back. If she leaves you again, you'll still be fine. Stop saying things like "you can't live without her" to yourself. Read books about on how to improve confidence, how to communicate properly in a relationship and self-improvement. Have a goal in life and pursue it.
day 20
its getting easier.
but still i hate her so much, i feel used, how ungrateful she was.
but yes in overall its easier now.
i need advice,
when i was still in relationship with her, my relation wih her mom was good, her mom cared about me, treat me as her own kid, she like me, and i also nice with her.
then my ex gf went to overseas for a year since february 2014. then her mom tell me to come visit because she want to have a chat with me, i think she want to give advice for my relationship, cause that ldr made my relationship with her worse. and she know that.
but i was quite busy at that time, so i said to her ok i will spare my time, but there was always problem, my sister got sick that she had to rest at hospital for hepatitia a., so i frequently had to visit hospital a lot. and finally 3weeks after im asked to visit her, i planned to visit her mom few days later.
but unforunately she dumped me first in 15 march,
since then i strted nc. and of course i didnt think i should visit her mom.
its been 20 days, and just now, her mom message me on my blackberry tellin me, she really want to meet me, i havent opened the chat, so i dont know the rest of the text.
what shpuld i do now?
should i meet her? and how should i anwer her text, or how to behave.
im afraid i manage to nc for 20 days, i dont want to get struck again if i remember her at her home.
how if she later tell me somethig that make my heart hurt again.
but i also like her mom as my own mom.
and advice will be appreciated.
her mom last text was telling me to answer her chat.
but i dont know what to do, im still in hospital my father has leg injury, cant walk.
Hey,
It's a tricky situation. Talk to her Mom. Tell her that if she wants to talk about your ex or getting her back, you don't want to meet her as you need some space and time right now. Hopefully, she will understand.
i already replied her, i said that its oke i can meet her, she asked to meet today but i cant since i was quiet busy,
so i offer to meet her monday.
is this oke kevin?
can i suddenly for example tomorrow i ask her mom again, what she want to discuss, if its about my ex, i will tell that i cant meet her, since i need some time and space?
or am i already late?
thanks again
Yes, ask her tomorrow.
tomorrow i gonna meet her mom
.already asked her what she want to discuss, because i still dont want to talk about my ex.she said not going to talk about my ex, just want to have ordinary chat with me because havent meet me for so long.
do u have any advice tomorrow?
what should i say if suddenly she discuss about my ex?
thanks kevin.
i still wonder, do i make the right decision by agree to meet her?
is it okay?
If she does, just tell her you are not ready to talk about it and you'll appreciate it if she changes the topic. To be honest, even I am not sure if it's the right decision, but there is nothing you can do at this point. So there's no point worrying about it. As long as you don't talk to her about your ex, you will not look needy so I guess you'll be fine.
thanks kevin,
i have met her mom,
she suspected that i become slimmer, more in shape.
earlier she talked about just ordinary things,
and she began to say that she didnt want to talk about my ex, but since we met, she would like to share her feeling.
she said my ex havent told anythin about the break up, when she asked my ex, my ex just cried and dont want to talk.
she kept bring topic about my ex.
when i cant interupt her talking, i jut said yes.
so all the time, i just said yes, or sorry i dont want to talk about, im not ready yet, etc.
i never initiate to talk about my ex.
her mom also said that my ex needs support as she is in overseas alone, and she thiink i can support my ex. i jut said i still need time.
she said, in relaitionship, its normal that sometimes rltnship can break and fixed again.
she also said that if i still have my ex contact,
its weird, if my ex havent told anyhing, why her mom is insecure like that, back then i ever told my ex, that usually when i breakup, i would delete contat, and i dont think rltnship that ever broke once, cant be fixed again.
also she asked whether im so hurt, or hate my ex,
i just say no, i try to forget it ,thats why i need time.
i dont know why she ask like that, did she know im the one being dumped and hurted.
do u have any adcice what to do next kevin?
does this meeti wih her mom means that i break nc?
thanks
i sometime rgrt meetig her, now few times, i have urge to break nc.
Hey,
I guess it was expected of her. Anyways, it happened. Continue with your nc and follow the rest of the plan. I'll recommend you add another week to your no contact because of this.
her mom also said my ex didnt know that she met me.
her mom said she loved me as her own son,
so she wonder why it started good, but why have to end like this,
she still want me close with her and my ex, maybe as friend. tell me to not hate my ex.
all the time i just said i need time etc.
later in the end, she apologized for bringin the topic about my ex, i said its oke, but dont talk again about this.
i rgret it kevin,
that feeling and thinkig toward her came again.
make me cannot focus on myself again.
OK, in that case, continue no contact for as long as you feel it's necessary. There's a checklist at the beginning of step 4. Use that.
Hello Kevin,
My gf and I recently broke up, we went out for about a year (on and off). Everything started great until one day I found her in front of her with another dude (just talking) since that day I really didn't trust her much but I decided to believe her excuse and gave a chance. She apologized and said that wanted to keep talking to me and he was just a friend. Three months later we started going out and things were going absolutely fantastic but due to bad experiences in past relationships she never opened up to me 100 percent but she said she loved me. After this incident I caught her 3 other times snapchats Instagram or texts with the same kid, things that were driving me crazy and chose to believe her again, maybe because I didn't wanna lose her. After doubts and insecurities on my part we ended it up breaking up. Two weeks later we got back and things were a lot better and finally felt loved and that she only had me in her mind, including I got to meet her family and to spend time with them, until 4 months later I found out she was snapchatting with another kid and ig blabla... I approached her about it and once again I fell for it. She got my point and deleted the kid from everywhere, something that I respected very much, and I finally felt that I was trying to prove she was getting. Communication for me is very important, and she always thought that it wasn't and that I didn't have to know the 401 of everything. Then, the excuses not to hang out, lies and weird mood changes started popping up. I'm not stupid I knew there was something up and it was just keeping me alarmed, which I caught her in many lies (nothing involve with talking with another kid) maybe it was just in my head. These things were making me overreact, over Annalyzed things and feel insecure. She decided to break up with me, I begged her, told her how I never loved anyone else before, and how could we forget about our future plans together. She never accepted her mistakes and said it was all my fault, however she loved me. We went back and forth for a week (casual sex and dates) until the next day she said that she didn't want to be with me anymore and it was over. I texted her for two days in a row with no answers, telling her how much I loved I missed her and hoping that the next one is better than me, what should I do? I wanna talk to her and I miss her I believe she's the love of my life, is there a possibility for us to come back again??
Thanks for your help!
Mike, it seems to me that you were extremely insecure in the relationship. You were invading her privacy constantly and were trying to control who she talks to and who she doesn't. You have a chance to get her back, but you need to work on your insecurities and your neediness before you contact her again.
Hi Kevin,
Well here is my recent circumstances in a nutshell. I met my partner five months ago, we did the long distance thing and perhaps given our age (early40's) things moved quickly. We had both been single for years and felt like we were blessed meeting each other. He had just moved to the city and I was living in a remote area. We decided we wanted to live together so I packed up five years of my life and moved. We moved into a place together...I found it for us and he moved over a month earlier as I had loose ends to tie up.
We lasted a week living together. Lots of arguments, we both have short fuses and the name calling began sadly. The night he was going to say one of us needed to move out and we should work on the relationship that way, was the night I found out I was pregnant. He was livid. Blaming me, name calling, how could I, etc etc. he never wanted this, and so on. By morning he changed his mind, and he continued to change his mind often twice daily over a week till I could take it no more and after another argument re the pregnancy he said he didn't care what I did and didn't want to be with me, so I moved out.
Sadly I lost our baby two days ago. I have been devastated. He tells me I brought the situation on myself, but he wants to help me get back on my feet and I should move back home. He is not saying at any time that he wants to get back with me. Just to help me get back on my feet and then I can move on with my life.
He has an adult son, but lost a baby a few months after birth and althought it was years ago, I don't believe he has ever grieved or dealt with his demons surrounding this. He was Unavailable for me when I was in and out of emergency recently pre-miscarriage.
I reminded him that getting back on my feet was not just a question of me getting a job and an income and then I would be fine to move out. But that I needed emotional support to help me out of this black place and giving he isn't acknowledging how bad it is for me at the moment, I asked if he had the commitment or skills to help me through this. He never responded (all of this communication was via text)
I don't know whether your no contact rule applies. I still have furniture at ours which I don't need currently as am crashing at a friends, but have moved most things out. I am still on the lease also. Obviously at some point we need to talk to finalise these things if it really is over but am scared to broach them now. Having just lost the baby I don't think I could handle more heartbreak. I feel very alone given I moved my whole life as I knew it to be with him.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Thank you in advance for your response.
Kat,
I am sorry for everything that happened to you till now. I think you should not have too much hope about him. You tried a relationship with him and it simply didn't work out. You both are just no compatible with each other. I don't think you should even expect any emotional support from him. I know you are lonely right now, but you have to get out of this dark place by yourself. Seek therapy in your area if possible. There is a chance that you might get him back if you follow the plan, but I'll recommend you follow no contact for at least 60 days before getting back with him. I think you will realize during no contact that he isn't someone you should be investing your time and energy in.
Thanks for your honest response. It was difficult to swallow. I saw him today. He told me he loved me but did not want to be in a relationship with me, he said after all our arguments something died and he was tired of trying. Again he offered for me to stay at ours. He would pay rent and bills until I got back on my feet but I had to be under no illusion that we would reunite. I said I couldn't accept it given I would hope for more given I was still in love with him. He said he was very sad what had happened between us. He hoped we would make it.
He said I can leave my things there as long as I want.
Is this where I start the no contact for sixty days? Is there a chance he will change his mind?
Yes, start no contact for 60 days. There is a chance, but like I said it's a slim one. I think you are trying to hold on to him because you've been single for so long and you don't want to go back to being alone in your life. I know it sucks, but try to understand, you don't want him because you think you two are great together. You want him because you are afraid of being alone again. During no contact, please try and go on as much dates as possible. Hopefully, it will give you some perspective.
Hey Kevin Josy again,
I'm the person who was talking to you about adding my ex back on that app. I'm thinking that I will delete him because all he is doing is going through my pictures to see what I am doing. Also he knows that I would see that he was talking to this girl, thinking he's trying to make me jealous into contacting him. The only good part of the app is that he will be able to see me having fun and being independent which I do think is a good thing. Also I can refrain myself from looking at his stuff and who he is talking to. What do you think?
If you can refrain yourself, then don't delete him.
I am subscribed to the email and I'm almost thinking this is his missing me badly stage. Should I contact or keep waiting it out? I don't want to miss the opportunity. He is doing a lot that I believe is trying to get my attention. What do you think?
If you think you are ready, then go ahead and contact him. Read the checklist in the article.
Hello again Kevin,
I was wondering do you think all those signs i told you means that he is missing me or that he is just trying to maintain a friendship? I find the friendship part strange if he liking old pictures and posted almost 100 pictures of a time we spent together on Facebook as well as even adding me on snapchat to just look at my pictures but not send me anything. I just really wanted this to be answered before I contact him. Also just wanted to let you know I really do appreciate all your help and support you are amazing for helping everyone through such hard times.
Josy, even if he is trying to maintain friendship, it's just an excuse to keep you with him because he misses you. A friendship with an ex is rare and unless you had a very strong friendship before you were a couple, it hardly ever works out.
But I digress, him adding you on snapchat and everything you said is definitely a sign he misses you.
My husband left me 3 weeks ago. We had been fighting and I looked on his phone and saw that he was emailing an ex-lover saying he wanted to see her even though he said he would never talk to her again. So when I confronted him, we had a huge fight and he said he was done. He moved out the day before St. Patty's day. I have two beautiful children and he comes on the weekends to see them, but the last time we fought - again. I don't want to fight. I am hurt by what he did, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Now, not even 3 weeks has gone by and he has already been on at least 3 dates. The person he is staying with said that he never came home last night. I am so heartbroken. What do I do?
Apply no contact. Read this article to learn about no contact when you have children. Contact a lawyer if you think this might be leading to a divorce. Don't take him back unless he is willing to accept his mistake.
hi kevin. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We lived together for 3 and a half. And the reason she broke up with me was she got tired of the relationship. I really love her. i admitted my mistake. My fault was i dont really share about my feelings that much to here. I always keep it on me especially if i have a problem or f i am hurt. last february her mother said bad things to me, she said that i really dont love her daughter that i dont have a time on her. So i was shocked! and i was really hurt. i texted her about what happened and she said sorry and she has nothig to do with that. i was jus disappointed with her because she didnt fight for me. that's why i started to ignore her( which i admitt that was my fault) for almost 2 weeks. everytime i go home i felt down. it hurts so badly. i was just waiting for her to confront me and talk to me but she never did. until one day she decided to break up with me. but she never said that i need to move out but my ego ate me. i decided to move out. but i realized i made a mistake. i missed her so much. i am afraid to lose her. she is the love of my life. i started to txt her and call her but she just ignored me. i went to her work begging to take me back. and she said she needed a space and time for now. she said she wanted me to be ok first with myself. and she told me that she still loves me. but i am confused and insecure. i was thinking maybe she is seeing someone and she only said that she love me just to make me feel better. she didnt answer my text messages anymore. she unfriend me in facebook and she erased all our pictures together. i dont know what to do. im desperate to win her back. i onced said that i must accept the fact thet we will never be together again and move on. and i started since yesterday not to text her or send any messages to her. please help me. is there any hope that we can still rekindled our love? thank you and looking forward to your answer.
Brandon
Hi,
So I broke up with my boyfriend due to feeling like I was going to be left. (I have serious trust issues due to a horrible past relationship.) So I break up with him, go to Africa for two weeks for voluntary work, and we are both fine, however I come home, we have a small argument and we meet up, he kisses me and then texts me later saying he wants to just be friends as nobody gets hurt. After this we meet up again and I basically explain all of my reasons why I don’t want to be friends and apologise for the breakup, however he still doesn’t want anything. I see him everyday at school and have no idea what to do. I am trying the no-contact thing however I feel like this won’t help and will make him get over me. I am completely head over heels with him and have no idea what to do. Anyway after no contact for two weeks, he texts me implying that I am interfering with his life and his new flirty soon to be girlfriend (one of my best friends.) I then reply to him angrily and explain that I had no interference and that one of my friends was speaking to me worrying that they would get together. He then explained that we would never get back together and his feelings for me were dead and that I had ruined their ''friendship..''.. I'm not really sure what to do, I feel like he hates me.
Please help.
Well, there is pretty much nothing you can do right now except do no contact and then follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. We had been together for almost 4 years. I am 20 now, he's 24. In the time we were together we made a great team and really helped each other through some very rough periods. We've been living together for a good 2 years now. A couple months ago, I felt like we were "slowing down", I was having difficulties with a new study, while he was on the verge of getting his 2nd degree. He wouldn't do much effort in the relationship, truth be told, I had always been the drive behind us doing things together, but since I wasn't feeling all that great anymore, I didn't have enough energy. We still had some great moments though. Two months ago, he started his first job and all at once, we almost didn't have any time together anymore, I still went home every weekend. We really felt each other slipping away, we talked about it and searched for ways to spend more time together, but nothing much happened because we weren't used to the new rhythm of life. Last week we had quite a lot of fights, because he didn't really kiss me anymore and didn't try to spend time with me. And then he dropped the bomb and said he didn't know whether he wanted to go on. I gave him 3 days time for himself, though I contacted him, because I needed to be at our shared home after those days. We talked again and he told me he didn't feel it anymore and didn't see a future for us anymore. I tried to convince him we were just going through a rough patch and we shouldn't give up after all this amazing time together. Then he told me he's had doubts for months already and slowly felt his feelings slip away. I'm angry he didn't tell me about it … He says he doesn't know why his feelings faded, but he's sure they won't come back. But he still cares for me and is still attracted to me. I just don't want to give up yet, if we really don't work out in the end, I could be fine with it. But now he's giving up without even trying to resolve our issues. And it went so great for so long ...
Hey Alice,
You don't have to give up yet. In my opinion, you should try getting him back using the advise in the article at least once.
i Kevin!
Me and my boyfriend are in the relationship for more than five years. But recently I started to fighting with him because of his new friend who is a girl. She was his childhood frnd n got her friendship after years via fb. I didn't like her talkibg to him as he did not talk to any girls in the past 5 years. I know I was wrong but I always foight with him. He is loving me sincerely. We were loving together abroad during our studies. I returned to my country after my studies and he is gonna come back to our country after a month. I came here 3 weeks ago and I don't know Why did I do like that. He did not contact me n he didn't even say a single word that he didn't miss me when I left him. I was there with him for 2 yrs. He didn't call me even. So something happened to me n I thought its all because of that girl. I have contacted that girl's lover and told him that I didn't like her talking to my bf. Somehow that girl has told my bf that I have contacted her lover and told like this. Due to this my bf told me he doesn't want to continue our relationship. But before that he told me how badly he missed me when he left me at the airport. Now also he said we cant really continue but he told me he is tgere to help me with everything. So im confused is he broke up with me or what's gonna happen n what do I need to do. ... but I have realised my mistake and started working on to reduce my possessiveness. I was clingy n needy . Begged him to talk to me like before. But he said if im going to talk anything regarding our relationship he will not talk to me anymore.
I cannot go for no contact rule completely as I have to give him some information every other day compulsorily.
Please help me kevin.
Other than the information you have to give him, stay no contact. It's OK you messed up. You are learning from your mistake and working on your issues. If you are able to do that during no contact, you'll have a pretty good chance of getting him back. Just don't try to convince him to get back together straight away. Talk to him and when he comes to your country, have a few fun dates with him. Let him see your changes and let it be his idea to get back together.
But I have a doubt whether he has brokeup with me or still in the relationship but not willing to talk. Thanks for your reply. Happy that you helped me..
If he is not willing to talk about the relationship, you should treat it as a breakup.
Thanks Kevin. I will follow your plan. No contact. Only if its about my daughter. I will leave her alone. Thanks Kevin.
Hey Kevin,
I been with my ex girlfriend for over 3 years and we have a daughter together. After our break up she moved on so fast with another guy. And now shes dating him. They been dating for a month now. I left her alone and she always tend to call me or text me if she needs me for help or go to places with her. If I blow her off she gets crazy and text me negative stuff saying you had your chance. But at the same time she still text this guy right in front of me! I dont know what to do. How do i keep no contact if we share days with my daughter. I dont know where her mind is at right now. What is the best thing to do? I told her last week that i need to move on and that i cant hang on anymore that i wanted her to be happy.
It's most probably a rebound. The fact that she is deliberately texting him in front of you is a huge sign that she is not over you. Follow the plan.
Thanks Kevin. I will keep doing what i been doing leaving her alone and let her come to me. I am just scared that she will be happy with her rebound and leave me and my daughter. She posted pictures of the guy on her instagram and sd shes happy. She always say i just want to see her miserable. At times she will face time me like 5- 6 times. I dont know what her mind is right now. I am just stuck and confuse. Should i say im busy if she wants to have a family day?
Instead, just tell her you need some space and time right now.
Good Morning Kevin,
My ex-gf texted me last night saying she loves this guy that shes only been dating for a month. She said i dont compare to him at all that he is so much better then me. She said I am a cry baby and desperate to have her back. And that I will never get her back ever because i lost her. Crazy much.
haha. Obvious attempt to make you jealous.
haha. I didnt argue with her. I just told her Great. I am happy for you. Then to find out the next day. She posted a picture of them together saying " We always have a good time together ". I left her alone. Should i start the no contact now? any hope for me? Thanks Kevin. Your the best.
Yes, you should start no contact and yes, there is hope.
One last thing Kevin. When i saw her in person to pick up my daughter. She told me I know she went out to the bar with your cousins. I am not dumb. She sd thats why i dont want to get back with you because you always go out. But at the same time shes dating someone and going out with him. It doesnt make sense to me at all.
If it doesn't make sense, then don't overthink it. It probably means that your ex is confused and is looking for a reason to justify her. Trying to talk sense into her is not going to help. Let her realize it on her own.
Ok Kevin. Been leaving her alone. She got mad because I didnt give her what she wants. So she bombard me with crazy text. Like I love him so much. I slept with him and it was so much better then you. He loves my body. He loves my daughter. You dont compare to him and I dont know what i see in you. Your so disgusting. I told her whatever you say dont phase me. Im over you. Dont text me anymore unless its about my daughter. And i notice she always laugh when she text. lol. What is her motive here?
Trying to make you jealous. Confused about her feelings. Trying to get a reaction out of you. It's actually a good sign and it shows she still has strong feelings for you.
Should I still leave her alone and let her come to me? and keep it simple about my daughter only? the only last question i have here...is how do i win her back and make her realize what she is really missing.....
Yes, still leave her alone. Don't give her any reaction.
Or should i post up a picture of girl having dinner. lol. or should i just keep doing what im doing kevin. I am confuse bro. I know she cares. But when will she realize that I am moving on and start to wonder if shes losing me for good. Thank you so much for the replies.
Don't post any pictures just to make her jealous. Just start no contact and follow the plan. She is already realizing it, hence the anger and obvious attempts at making you jealous.
Good Morning Kevin,
Today I am so sad because this morning on her instagram profile she has his name on there with a heart and a icon of a boy and girl kissing. Just so hurt because i really think she is really moving on. This weekend i cuss her out because i knew she was at his house sleeping over for the fight. she text me saying you know where i am at so dont play dumb. i really think i lost her....
John,
I don't think you've really lost her unless you follow the plan at least once. You need to stop contact with her and stop looking at her social media profiles.
Hi Kevin,
So I have been doing the no contact. But my ex gf texts me every day about my daughter upcoming bday. I usually wait 2 hours or more to respond. I told her i wanted a separate bday. She sd why do i want to have 2 different parties. She wants to invite my family to the party also. I asked if her new man is going to come. She sd yes why not. She said my family and friends told her i have a new gf. and i can bring her along which is a lie. Im not dating anyone. I think she was lying to get information. She said i know your lying. You have a girlfriend. She said she doesnt care. lol. I told her im not comfortable for a guy you just date to be at my daughter's bday. She said hes my bf and someone i love. In my head I said i dont need to hear that. Trying to get me jealous I guess. I just dont know what to do from here with my daughter's bday.
Hey John,
She is just using it as an excuse to talk to you constantly. If the birthday is recently, I'll recommend you start no contact again after the birthday party. I think you'll just have to be there for your daughter's birthday. I know it will be hard but I don't see any other option. Just stay calm during that time and don't show any signs of jealousy or neediness.
I just told her I dont feel comfortable for a new guy to be a my daughters bday. My friends were telling me that her and her new is having issues with playing games with each other. My friend told me she deleted the kissing icon and just have his initial on her IG. By that i already knew it was for my attention and reaction. It will be to awkard for me to be there Kevin. Its embarrassing enough that my family will be there also. I will start no contact again after my daughters bday. I just feel like she still got me on a leash. Just want to break away. Thanks for getting me through this. Much appreciated.
Hi Kevin,
So yesterday, I got fed up and i was driving myself crazy. So i text her that i am not going to make it. It was too awkward for me. She text me Why?!. I sd because your new man is going to be there. She said " Who the hell said he was going?!" So pretty much she got caught in her own lies.
Kevin,
So my ex girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. She broke up with me because she saw that I was looking at girls profiles on facebook, including my ex from time to time. I have never cheated or would never cheat. When she asked me
About it I denied it and denied it and finally admitted to it. We've have trouble in the past from me lying about other little things. When she asks me, she really comes at me hard so I panic in those situations. So she said she needed time and space and we hung out a few times and then she finally said it's over for right now. We need time to focus on ourselves. I accepted it and a week went by and I decided to text her to let her know I was thinking about her and asked how she was doing. And I just received basic responses like "I'm good, you?". Then she texted me when she was drunk just saying what are you doing. So she called me and told me to just move on and to stop talking with my parents about us. She also was saying people can't change and the lieing and everything finally got to her. She was also mad I didn't delete my facebook when she did and I continued to look. Also that a few times we took breaks but a couple days later we got back together and this time she said it's not
Like every other time. You have to move on. She said idk what the future holds but right now move on. So I'm finally starting no contact today. Just want to here yor advice. Thank you. ADVICE PLEASE!
Continue with no contact. I think you need to work on your communication skills during no contact. I personally don't think your lying was a big thing if you were doing it simply because you panicked. But the reason you lied is because you were needy and you were scared of losing her, which is sort of unattractive. Work on yourself and then contact her after a month.
My friend Sam, who is also friends with her, told me that she said she is kind of talking to this guy from school. But says its nothing serious. What do you think?
You think theres still hope for her to come around?
hay Kevin,
iv been following your course and iv not spoken to my ex since the 22nd of march.but here's the but bit she has now unfriended me on Facebook and untagged herself from all the pictures on facebook.I have faith in the course but we broke up on the 12th
of February so that like 7 weeks ago and im scared now because she said she wanted to be friends but as soon as I said I wanted space she want nuts and after a week she took me off Facebook, we were engaged for 3 years then she called it all off.
can you help please?
best wishes,
C
She did it because of anger. It's quite normal. Continue with the plan. Don't worry about it.
Hi Kevin,
I sent a comment yesterday and somehow it doesn't appear on the page..?
Hey,
I replied to your comment here.
Good morning, i just wanted to ask How can i know if you replied to my comment? Is too many comments to keep scrolling to see if you answered to mine. Thanks for your time.
Hey Jennifer,
I replied to your comment here.
Hi Kevin,
Im needing some advice. Heres my story.
My ex fiancé an I had been together for almost 7 years and we have a 20 month old child together, we started living together after 3 months. We have had issues for a few years regarding me working but I have put it off since I wanted to be a stay at home mum. One day he is fine about it, the next he is so annoyed about it. We had decided to have 6 months apart and live separately but still remain together so I could work on getting myself together as I was starting to study. All of a sudden when I was coming home with things I needed for my new place for my daughter and I, he started getting angry and saying that I was taking to long to move out and he needed space asap. Anyways he went to a friends house for the night as he needed a breather and a msg came through my mac laptop as an imsg obviously to his phone. When he came home the next day I asked him about it and after asking and asking who it was he told me it was one of his business clients. I got ridiculously angry and told him to leave. Once I calmed down I asked him about it and he says he has never cheated on me and he just talks to her about our relationship and trys to get advice. I don't know what kinda advice it is since she doesn't know me at all. But he eventually understood why I was so angry but now doesn't want to be together and says he can't think about it right now and needs time. The next day he came over so I could show him ho all the business paperwork gets gone and he started kissing me. But that night still says he needs time. Its pretty devastating as our daughter cries for him every night and at first it was hard not to msg him being angry about it all. but the last 2 days I have not msged him unless he msged me or i needed to talk about our daughter. And as soon as I stop texting him he starts texting me (its always about our daughter or something). I told him tonight after him calling me about the business that I would help him this time but then I need some time without all the contact. He just seems so fine about it all and it breaks my heart that he doesn't want to try and work it out right now. Is their any chance for us.
There is a very good chance for you Amy. Just give him and yourself some space and time and things will start getting better.
Hi Kevin, my ex broke up with me because he is in a transition and finally knows what he wants to do with his life. He's living at home and really wants to get his career going so he can move out and get his life together. He said he needed to focus on himself and grow and that's why he wanted to break up. But he's very much in love with me.
I did the 30 day no contact. Every week he'd still reach out to me and I would basically just ask for space. He'd say things like he misses me, maybe he made a mistake, maybe we can revisit "us" in the future, he wants to fall asleep in my arms, etc. etc.
I did talk to him a little but kept it very short always and never talked about my feelings. After the no contact period I opened up communication a little but still not talking about my feelings and then after he kept saying he misses us and wants to cuddle and this and that I said we either can go down two paths, we become strictly platonic friends or we work on our love for each (potentially getting back together at some point). He changed his tune real quick from missing me to that he still wants to focus on himself but he keeps implying that maybe the sexual stuff could happen. I said hell no.
Basically he goes through moments where he really misses me and that's when he'll say all that stuff but deep down he still wants to stay broken up. He also wants me as a friend but wants to enjoy the intimacy parts even though he SWEARS he doesn't want us to be friends with benefits.
He's still confused and not sure what he wants after a month of missing me. So, I'm at a loss. I feel like if he still doesn't know then it's not gonna happen. He's not ready and needs to do his thing.
I do think I can do the friends thing now so I'm thinking about doing that and being very strict with our boundaries and see if we bond and get closer but I still have a feeling he's gonna wanna just try to get more out of me without the commitment.
What should I do?
Our love for each other runs so deep.
Continue being friends for a while. Let him focus on himself and improve his life. Give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for him. If till that time, he doesn't make a move, you give him an ultimatum. If he says no, move on.
Ok, I'll continue being friends for awhile but I'm not sure how to do it without us losing our connection. I want so badly to be sweet to him and be intimate like he wants to at times but I feel like that would be a mistake because it will confuse him and make me look like I'm chasing. Is that true? When I said we could be friends I said it's strictly platonic. No I love you, no pet names, no physical stuff. Was that the right move? How do we keep our love from dieing? I asked him to do to lunch when he's free and he suggested a place we could go to but isn't making an effort to tell me his schedule or finalize plans. I think it's really important we see each other. It's been a month since we've hung out, but I don't want to be the one who keeps asking about lunch. I feel like he should ask me and I'm sad that he isn't. But he still messages me and tells me he misses me. It's so confusing. How should I act as a friend towards him and how can I get him to meet me for lunch?
You've already asked him. If he doesn't finalize then wait another week or two and then ask him again. If you want, you can start no contact again if he doesn't finalize the plans.Yes, it's true if you be intimate with him, you will hurt your chances of him committing.
Thank you for the great advice. After doing NC and him breaking it constantly I offered to be friends as a way to get rid of the negativity of our breakup and try to reconnect with him but I'm terribly afraid if we go down this friends path he'll place me in the friend zone or become comfortable with us just being friends and I'll be stuck there forever. How do I do a friendship with him and then move to more than friends or progress it so he wants more? How do I avoid just being friends for good? I'm also afraid of getting hurt having false hopes. I feel like friendship could open communication and win his love back but I also am afraid it could just make it easier for him to move on and hurt our chances of getting back together.
There will always be some sort of attraction between you two, so I doubt you will be put in friendzone. You are not really in the friendzone unless he starts discussing his other relationships with you. So watch out for that. Other than that, just continue spending time with him and having fun.
How can I thank you for this amazing and valuable lessons? Thank you so much for giving me a safe and sane path to moving through this awkward minefield of my relationship! I thought I had found the girl of my dreams- THEN, out of the blue she began drinking and acting 180 degrees away from the person I fell in love with. She is about to leave treatment and we are still not at all aligned as we once were. I lost so much of my self respect and control when this happened that I feel crazy. Everything I have done is all here- and how to "fix" it. To be honest- I don't even care if our relationship gets fixed- I have to find that person I really liked and adored before this all happened- That person is ME! The REAL me. Thanks to you- I now have a road map to how. Thank you so much! I will follow all this advice- what is the worst that could happen? All my best plans went no where fast during this ordeal.
Thank You!
Brian
Thanks for your comment Brian. All the best.
Kevin,
I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice so much, thank you for answering all my questions. Now I have a million more questions for you. I am two weeks into No Contact and I am feeling really good. Although I still think about him all the time, there really isn't any more tears or obsessive memories. I've had an interview so hopefully I am getting a summer job, and I am joining a gym. I realize that I will be fine without him. But I still want him, what we had was really good. What if in two weeks I am too scared to text him? What if we don't get back together? Although I don't think it would be as big of a blow if he doesn't make any moves and it is clear that he wants strictly friends, I still feel like it would be an extreme disappointment. I am not reintroducing myself back into his life for a friendship, I am looking for a relationship, and if that doesn't work then I don't want anything to do with him. Also, last time we talked he was mad at me when I told him I need space and wasn't ready to be friends, what if he is still mad and doesn't want to talk? Then what do I do? And I know you said he wouldn't move on that fast, but like I am feeling decently okay and I wasn't the one who broke it off so what if he is absolutely loving life without me? I'm sorry I know you are a busy person, it's just very confusing being in this situation. I am sure I will have a 100 more questions for you later on that I will ask you to answer so I apologize for that in advance. Thanks again for your advice, I wish I could send you a gift card or something.
If he is still mad and doesn't want to talk, give him another week and then text him again. Although, chances of that happening are less. Maybe he is loving life without you, it doesn't mean he won't love spending time with the new you.
There is always a chance that you won't get back together and I think you have already sort of accepted that. I think you'll be fine whatever happens.
I was talking to this guy that I really liked. Things were going great and I pulled away because I was scared of the feelings I was having for him. We went on a date like we normally did several times a week and everything went great. And then I never called him again. He asked what was going on and why I wasn't contacting him much and I simply stated I was just really busy with stuff.
We would see each other every now and then and he'd literally go out of his way to dodge me. That was 6 months ago when we stopped going out. I've literally missed him everyday since that day 6 months ago. Recently, out of the blue I apologized. He called and seemed ok with it. But he hasn't really contacted me much now. He's cordial if I say something via text. I'm not sure if he's with someone else. Should I leave him alone? I know I messed up. And I'm really sorry, but I don't want to look weak or look as though I'm chasing him if I call. Any suggestions?
You should stay in contact with him and even ask him out. If you are not needy in your conversations and when you meet him, it'll not look like you are chasing him.
Hi Kevin...I hope you can help me, it's hard for me to write this on a public forum because my ex is married. When we first hooked up, it was a friends with benefits situation, but it quickly progressed into a lot more. Our relationship lasted just over 2 years and in that time we fell deeply in love things went well past a sexual relationship - where we could spend hours together just watching tv, talking or just hanging out. His wife caught him the first time about a month after it started and he agreed to end things and go to therapy with her, which he did, however our relationship started back up a few weeks later. About 6 months after that, she saw some texts between us, however our relationship continued as did their couples therapy. Prior to us being together, their relationship was bad - we have mutual friends who knew how bad things were there, but for some reason they stayed together. Note that they are both in their mid 50s. As I mentioned, things became really serious between us over the past 6-7 months and we both talked of making things permanent (I am married as well). Very recently he was caught again and tossed out of his house. We talked just after this happened and he said that he loves me and that his feelings haven't changed but right now needs to get his head together and figure out where his life is going. I told him that I understood and that I would leave him alone and left it that I was there for him if he needs to talk but added that I didn't want anything further in the way of a relationship with him until he works through his issues and knows where his life is taking him. As a result I haven't heard from him in about 2 weeks and have made no further contact myself. One further thing to add, we do work for the same company and our paths cross every now and again via work related emails which I have kept completely professional and business related. I know that I am a terrible person for doing this and I hope not to be judged too harshly, but I really hope you can let me know if there is any chance of a future for us getting back together. I also understand that married men will say anything to keep their girlfriends in tow including promising to move out, leaving their wife, etc however in this case our relationship surpassed everything that both of us had ever expected a the relationship. Neither of us had made any specific plans to leave our respective spouses, however it would have happened in the next year if not sooner. Our mutual friend has said that it is a lot different for him being kicked out so abruptly as opposed to him leaving on his own and that his world is up in the air right now. I understand this and don't want to seem selfish, but do you thing there is any chance for us in the future?
Patricia,
You do have a chance. You just need to give him some time to sort it out. However, there is also a chance that he will try to work it out with his wife again. You can never know. I guess the only thing you can do is accept whatever he decides to do. Contact him after a month or two casually and ask him how he is doing.
Thanks so much for your help Kevin!!! We were on the phone talking about a completely work related issue today and he said "If I were to ask you out for coffee, if would be a bad idea". I didn't know what he meant, so I just ignored it, then he repeated it a few minutes later, and I just responded "Okay". Not sure where things are heading, but this little bit of communication gave me a bit of hope, though I am going to hold my own and not pursue him - the ball is in his court. I just wanted to thank you for your help - we'll see what happens from here........
Oops - I meant to say "If I were to ask you out for coffee, IT would be a bad idea"
Good luck.
My girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. Everything was going well, we were in love and all. She broke up with me out of the blue a couple of days ago. I didn't understood anything cause everything was going well. She told me that she sees me as her best friend and her family, but that she is now deeply unhappy with herself and that she was lost, and that she wasn't able to love me like a lover. And that she doesn't think we are meant to be. But we were talking about our future pretty often. So i am really confused. I now understand that she is really depressed and needs help from professionals. But she doesn't want me around. I feel horrible knowing that my best friend and the one i love is suffering and that i can't help. She asked me not to message/call her for a moment. That if we were meant to be we would get back together, but for the moment she wants to be alone. I really think this girl is the love of my life. We're been through difficult times before, like a long distance relationship for a couple of months. We are both 23. I'm still in school and she just started a new job. So we are both at a pretty stressfull and incertain time in our lives. I'm ready to do the NC, but I am also very worried about her and want to show her support...
Chloe,
I don't think there is anything you can do unless she deals with her depression. If she is suffering from depression, no contact rule isn't going to work either. You can tell her that you will be there for her and support her whenever she needs you. But that's all you can do. I am sorry it had to be this way.
I am in a similar situation. The guy I was seeing for 4 months, has been in a dark place for the last couple months. He turned to me different times to vent what was going on, and he cancelled plans one time saying he just needs to be alone because his head is not in the right place. But a couple weeks ago he just stopped all forms of communication, and never told me why. My gut is telling me that his personal life just got to be too much, and he is taking some time to figure it all and work through it. But I want him to know that I am here for him, if that is truly what is going on. We also talked about the future, and he treated me so good. The month before was the closest we had ever been, and everything was going great. I am not sure if the NC will work but I think giving her some time is what she needs. She might be a retreater meaning she pulls away from the people that she is closest to and needs her time in order to work through what is going on in life. But also make sure you let her know that you are there for her, and if you truly love her make sure you let her know that, and check in on her time to time to make sure she is ok. Depression is a hard thing to understand and to work through
I was with this guy for 4 months. We seen each other at least once a week, we work opposite scheduled, live about 45 minutes away from each other, and he has a son every other week, so it is hard for us to see each other a lot. I never met his son, we tried different times, but him being 2.5 years old his moods change fast and it never worked out, but we talked about it quite a bit. He told me he has never introduced someone to his son, because he doesn't want to bring people in and out of his life, so by him wanting me to meet, him really shows what he thought of me and us. We had a great time and always had fun on our dates, and we were even starting to plan a trip together. I met his parents and closest friends, and he has met mine. We started talked about moving in together this summer, and talked about the future. (he brought all this up) He told me many times that he has never been with anyone like me, and I am the only good thing he has in life other than his son. He also said that he has never had anyone by his side, and supported him. His last relationships have ended badly, and they have not treated him very well. He was married for a short time, but it ended badly due to his ex not wanting to spend time with him and their son. He has been divorced for about a 1.5 years.
But almost a month ago he just stopped calling or texting. I texted him a couple times, and got no response. I called him and no call back (this was over a two week time) I gave him a couple of weeks of no contact, and texted him asking if he wanted his stuff back, and no response. So I mailed him his stuff, with a nice letter saying I hope he was ok, and that I truly cared about him and wanted to be that one person that he never had. I was very nice, and said nothing bad. I told him that I have been praying for him, and will be here if he needs me. I mailed it last week, and never heard from him.
Before this he called me everyday just to say hi, or to say how much he missed me. The last time I seen him, he met a couple of my friends, and told my friends they will be seeing a lot of him, because he is going to be around me a lot. He gave me a big hug in front of everyone at his work. (he works at the mall, and my friends and I were shopping that's why I was at his work) He called me the next day, but I missed his call, called him back but didn't answer, but then sent me a text saying he would call me right back, he never called back. That was the last I heard from him. I texted him the next day to say the ticket prices dropped for our trip and I was going to book it. But wanted to make sure he was in, otherwise I would lose the money. No response.
I know that he is going through a lot of personal stuff, and has turned to me many times since we met. His ex is not so nice to him, and she is always putting him down as a person, and as a dad. His parents have been doing the same thing to him. He told me different times that he was sorry he has been distant (usually when no contact to 2-3 days). I am more than understanding and was there for him when he needed me. And I don't expect to hear from him everyday, I don't need to talk with him all the time, I have a life as well. But to not hear from him in 2 weeks, then ignore my calls/text, is not ok with me. I still really care for him, and I just don't understand how he can say so much and talk about the future one day, then the next day nothing. How do ones feelings change that fast, especially when he brought up moving in together, trips, future plans, ect.?
My gut is telling me that he is just taking time to figure out his personal stuff, and he doesn't want to hurt me during this time. I am not sure if I should give him time and see if he reaches out to me. Or if I should just move on and start seeing other people.
I think the best course of action is decide how long are you willing to wait for him. Give yourself a time limit and if he doesn't reach out to you in that time, start moving on.
The no contact rule won't apply to my situation. Or do I give him 30 days and try to contact him like you say above with a positive text or letter? And in the mean time don't answer his text or calls if he does end up reaching out to me. I just don't know if he still cares and is going through a lot or if he just isn't interested anymore.
If he reaches out to you, answer him. You should give him 30 days and then contact him using a letter.
Hie
My boyfriend and i have been going out for seven months we met in China were we are studying and when we started going out he told me he had a girl and i had one too from our home country..we agreed to let them go but we both didnt but finally i did last month..juc 2 days ago i noticed his chat with the girlfriend and told me they were still going together and its been three years now...now my boyfriend is saying he loves me and was going to let her go which he did and saw their chat but now i nolonger trust him thesame way but i love him so much and am willing to continue with him...the problem is that he is sometimes saying he just wanna let us both go and we dont deserve to be hurt and we should move on and sometimes he says he chooses me but i dont want to i think we just both need some time because he is also scared i am going to hurt him like he did which i am not going to do and that things might never be the same again...what should i do...i really love him and even carrying out the no contact thing will be hell for me...
You do need some time away. I know it will be hard but I think it'll be worth it.
My ex and I had been seeing each other for almost a year, about 10 months. Things seemed to be going really well and then February hit and I could feel him pulling away from after about three weeks of that he broke up with me pretty much out of the blue. During the break up conversation he said he wanted to take a break but I told him that we either stay together and work on things or we break up forever. His first question was "why does it have to be forever?" but ultimately said "I don't know what I want, I don't want to be in a relationship right now." and finally,"We just need to break it off." It has been 5 weeks since we broke up. He almost had immediately started hanging out with much younger girls, that look NOTHING like me, and act NOTHING like me. Also, these girls would post something on social media network but as soon as I saw it, I believe, he would ask them to delete it or take it down. I contacted his sister about who these girls were, hoping she wouldn't mention it to him but of course she did, in which he told her that these girls were "just friends" and nothing more. I know for a fact that he was hanging out with them in a way that wasn't just innocent friendly way. I did contact him during the 30 days time of no contact period, mostly I had legitimate reasons, i.e. debit card, spare car key, gym membership, our dog that went missing..ect., but there were two times that I contacted him being angry and needy. I am trying to move on but I still get the gut feeling that there is still more going to happen between us. Should I restart no contact time with him, are those just rebound relationships, the reason he's not posting these pictures so that I don't see them and think he has moved on, is there a chance that we could get back together. We had an awesome relationship, and I felt really brought the positive out in each other. I want my focus to be on myself and being a better person for me but I can't help to wish we could work things out together. The break up was out of the blue, and it is still unclear of the real reason we broke up.
Yes, start no contact again and follow the plan. The fact he doesn't want you to see it means he still cares about you two getting back together in the future.
Hi Kevin,
First of all, thank God I googled for some advice lol and I found this site, and I was in "WOW", so many things makes so much sense. I have a three (almost four) year old son with my ex boyfriend, we used to live together, and because of trust issues we didn't work out. He was acting very immature, always wanted to be with his friends and never help me out with our son. Due to him being abusive, we separated and almost three years will be in September this year of not living together. We have had our sleep over moments, and still jealousy nonsense at times, where he will get bothered if I went out to a club or just out with friends; I am independent and live with my child, of course he has visitation rights but only have our son once or twice during the week, never a weekend. Recently, he has his new "girlfriend" around my son everytime my son is over... it bothers me, but I don't waste time arguing, so when I am calmed he comes at me with texts and calls unexpected with he still wants to hook up or he still loves me and will always love me, I am the best mother and woman he ever met and thanks God for me, etc. At other times, he acts different and cruel and will make me feel bad about my image and call me fat sometimes... Before my son was born, we were already in a relationship for almost 4 years; just thought you should know. Yesterday after he dropped off my son at daycare, we spent like almost 2 hours on the phone, talking about the whole situation, about almost everything that was bothering me about his girlfriend trying to make my son call her mommy and imature things like that, I never met her and don't plan to, since my ex himself said she is not his real girlfriend..I feel like my ex will never grow up at times..or he doesn't know what he wants, he is 29 this year, I just turned 27. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused me, and if he ever finds out that I've been with another man, he will not be able to get over that and not be able to be back with me.. *I am confused with those words, I don't know what to think about what he said.* Even though he is dating someone, do I still have a chance to get him back to me if I were able to forgive him? I don't know what to do? Should I do the 30 to 2 months no contact plan, and since we have a child, only pass the phone to our child and let him speak to his dad... PLEASE ADVICE ME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.
He is saying that just so he can have you as a backup. The thought of you moving on scares him and he is using this as a bait to keep you from moving on. Yes, do 2 months no contact. Then get back in touch with him. Have a few fun dates with him, and then give him an ultimatum. Either he commits to you or you move on. Be prepared and don't think of it as a bluff. He might try to call your bluff and say that he can't commit. If he does say that, move on and start dating other guys. When he realizes what he is losing, he will probably come crawling back to you.
Kevin, thanks for replying, I started the no contact yesterday, and since we have a child together, he calls everyday, but im just passing the phone to our three year old and let them speak and then hang up. Ive not texted or called him at all. Im going to do two months no crossing words with him, which the fact that our son's birthday is coming up in May im a little upset and dont want to sound bitter but know that his new girlfriend will be present at.my son's birthday party that his dad throws. (Every year i celebrate my son birthday on a saturday and my ex celebrates it the sunday, next day after.)
Sounds like a good plan. All the best.
Hi Kevin
I need your advice..My ex texted me last nite..i didnt really read the message..and i have not replied..I have been trying the NC about 2 weeks now..On the Iphone u can see part of the msg on the locked screen without actually having to go into the message..and as far i saw it was an "empty message" jus asking how i am and telling me something about his work..as i said i didnt really go into the message.. Should i reply to the message? and what does his texting me an "empty text" mean exactly? Looking forward to your response
Hey,
I think you should not reply right now. You have great self control to not see the message. If he keeps on messaging you, then let him know you need space and time.
Dear Kevin,
My ex and I broke up last month and the reasons he gave me are quite confusing. First he said he needed to break up with me because his family won't accept me as I am not a Pakistani, and when we called last weekend he said he wanted to break up because he doesn't have any feelings anymore for me. I do not know how to find out the real reason behind it, but the only thing I want is getting him back in my life because I am madly in love with him. I met him around one year ago and I broke up with my first ex because of him. He and me were living on a big distance and it would not work out anyway. Meanwhile my second ex had been chasing me for 4 months to convince me that being in a relationship with him was the best thing to happen. I liked him already very much that time and fell helplessly in love with him. The reasons he gave me why he wanted to break up came very unexpected and I don't know about which reason he is lying. We spent some really awesome times together and I would love to get those times back. Besides he wants to continue as friends with me, so somehow I still have the feeling that he cares.
Could you please give me some advice?
Thank you in advance.
Yours sincerely,
Charlie
Charlie,
If his family won't accept you and he is not willing to go against his family, do you think you have a potential for a healthy long term relationship with him? If not, then wouldn't it be better to cut him off from your life and move on? I think you should apply no contact for at least two months and think about it before getting back with him.
Hi Kevin,
Malarie and I had been dating shy of three years. Recently she went to Florida to visit one of her single friends. When she came back she broke it off with me and told me that since she was 17 she has been in a relationship and needs time and space and to be single. LOGICALLY, our relationship was great. We rarely fought, we showed eachother affection everyday. We had a cat and loved him to death. We both promote our dreams to eachother, I help her with homework and have promoted her degree (which her parents never did). Throughout the two weeks we have broken up we both have professed our love for eachother (against your rules). She has talked to most of my family members to insist that she just needs to be on her own and that its not me and that she doesnt want them to be upset with her. She insists that she holds hope to be together "one day". When I told her that I didnt believe in "hope" i belived in making things happen she was pretty torn up about it. Right now we have an apartment and she is staying there alone. I have been living at a relatives place. We agreed on breaking the lease but it takes 60 days. So we are FORCED to have contact when figuring out the bills..the cat... ect.. She wants to get her own apartment and live on her own (one of the reasons she broke up with me).
I'm fairly certain that if we saw eachother on the weekend she would intimate with me. I guess I just dont know what to do in this situation. All of your points are correct..I'm scared for a rebound relationship (that was what ours was 3 years ago). We are both "relationship" people, we dont sleep around. I go to the gym, I play music. I'm trying to be positive. I'm setting up a date this Friday (even though i could care less). I just want your thoughts on the situation. I know it sounds like there is more to this...but i really dont think that there is.
David,
It's quite possible that she feels like she needs some single time to figure out herself. A lot of people do need to be single for a while in their life and I think she is being very honest with you about the reason for breakup. I guess the only thing you can do is give her the single time. Even if she goes for a rebound, there is nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, it won't last long this time.
Thanks. So do I do the 30 day thing? Or do I just wait for her to contact me after 30 days? being that she needs alone time, Is it more about when she wants to contact me? I am very proud of the way she wants to find herself, I truly just want her to be happy. Even if it means we are never together again.
It's entirely up to you. If you are willing to wait for more than 30 days for her to contact you, then do so. I think you should just follow no contact right now and decide after 30 days if you want to contact her or not.
Just wanted to let you know your steps worked. I have been back with my girl friend for a year and couldnt be better.
Thank You!
Dave
Thanks for the update David. I am glad my website helped. :)
Umm....what if she is in a rebound relationship with me. the last relationship she had was unfaithful and now im suffering form a heartbreak. what do i do......i mean i've already made all those damn mistakes.
i really want her back, and im willing to take a break for a month or two.
Even if you were the rebound, your best bet is to follow the plan. I'll be honest, your chances are slim to begin with, but if you think she is worth it, then definitely try it once.
Hey Kevin,
First of all i would like to thank you for creating this wonderful website.
Here is my situation, I am 31 and she is 27. We had a relationship for a little over 9 months. At the beginning it was all love, we spent lots of time together. Later on she wanted me to change and be more aggressive, basically take the lead. I admit that I took the lead but relinquished it to her several times. She always complained that I did not communicate with her; I admit I have communication problems, as I am introverted, but I did tell her things I have not told anyone. As the months went by we fought and made up several times, I always apologized. At around December, she broke up with me stating that I needed to know where I was going and that she was bored out of her mind, I begged when she said this but decided not to contact her. Three days later she said she needed to speak with me, she said she was sorry, but that she wanted to see me succeed in life and she was not seeing that, we got back together… and all seem fine. Couple of weeks later she starts instigating fights for stupid reasons, she invited me to go out to the beach but I said I have a previous commitment, and then she starts to question me and says that I am lying to her. Fast forward to a week later and she again invites me to the beach, I decline because I have to meet a friend for business purposes, she goes irate saying that I am lying to her and to stop the lying. The day off I meet her at a restaurant and she does not even acknowledge me for the first 15 minutes, I tell her I love her and she does not reciprocate. I decided to not call her for a few days since I am pissed and feel disrespected by her. When I call she says we have nothing to talk about and to have a happy 2014. I then panic and send her a letter and gifts apologizing for my mistakes, basically saying I love her. She replies through text and says: you know how important respect is to me; we have nothing to talk about. I respond back though text (given that she does not answer the phone) stating that I want to save our relationship. She replies about 3 to 5 hours later stating: there is no relationship to save. About 4 days later she sends me a letter stating that: I never showed her any love, respect and attention. That she showed me all those things but I never did. She said we can’t be together, that she wants to be with someone who wants to live life and not observe it. That she opened her world to me and i responded with fear and decided to run from problems. She said that a relationship takes more than loving someone and that I will understand someday. At the very end of the letter she says that she loves me very much. It has been two months without any contact. I really do not know how to assess the situation, does she really hates me or do I still have a chance?
Hey Chris,
To be honest, she seems pretty immature about the way she handled the relationship. And from what it looks like, she was the one who was running away from the problems and you were the one who were willing to work through it. I guess you should contact her if it has already been two months of no contact. Send her the letter mentioned in the article and then contact her using texts.
Thanks Kevin,
I will think about it, i yet do not know if i just miss her or want her. during the relationship i got the feeling i was paying for the sina of her past relationship and her father. You see, she comes from a home where her mother is the man of the house and daddy is more of the mother. She even admitted to reprimended her father at several times, which is something i never dare do. Plus she admitted that she respected but did not admire her father, and he seems to be a very loving parent.
Yesterday she contacted my mother via text to let her know that she was taking a class taught by one of my aunts. My mother and her got along very much, but she did not know her prior to our relationship. What is your opinion on this matter?
Hi, I've been with my wife for close to 5 years now. She's 27 and in 25. We recently separated in November and in that time frame I no longer had my job and finances played a huge role. Like most couples we fought and disagreed but we loves each other. We stayed in contact during the separation as I continued to build myself but ever since that day I have been looking for ways to become a better man to take care of her. We've even recently attended marriage counseling which I paid for and on our last session she started to open up more to the idea of giving me a chance. To the point that we actually held hands and kissed that night for the first time in months. There have been a few times where I can see she still loves me but has told me she doesn't want to make it work but on out last session she told her family and friends that night that she would give me a chance to work on our problems. We go to dinner with friends that week and the next day I pick her up and we eat good at a public area. She lays it on me that she doesn't have that spark and says that I'm a nice guy and I'm devastated at this point. I don't argue but I did cry...a lot and she said she only agreed to everything because of how persistent I was. The next night I initiated NC on 03-30-14 and this is my last hope I guess you can say. I've made many mistakes in our relationship but there is no doubt she is an amazing woman and I can only hope to better myself and maybe she can see that and I can give her her space to miss me. Can this article help married couples too? Also I believe our divorce is finalized during the NC period. Does that change anything? Thank you!
Hey Pablo,
It has worked on married couples before. And I think you can reignite the spark if you stop chasing her so much. I know you are trying too hard to make it work with her and perhaps that is the reason she feels she has lost the spark. I guess there is nothing you can do to stop the divorce at this point, so no I don't think it changes anything. I hope things work out for you, but you should be prepared for the worst. There is a chance that this might never work and you will never get back with her. You'll just have to endure everything and hopefully come out the other side stronger than ever.
Thank you Kevin for the advice. Honestly, I find it amazing that people like you are willing to help with our problems. I'm sure everyone here agrees that you provide a great service. I'm learning a lot everyday and your advice really hits home. I'm going to continue NC and keep forging ahead. Thank you!
Split with my ex 6 weeks ago. she is telling my friends that I need to put my energy in getting over her. as she will never get back with me? Is this truth speaking?
Joe
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up about a week ago. I haven't contacted her what so ever and I'm panning to stick to it for about a month or so at least. Hers the full story.
My ex and I starting dating pretty much right after her previous relationship of 8years. She told me that she did resent the relationship and started to resent him and hence why she left him. We met at work and she invited for coffee and cake and that's when we went out on our first date. And we dated for about a year before she ended things with me for the 1st time. Reason was that she wasn't feeling it and that I was suppose to be the rebound. But obviously I turned out to be more than that and I meant more to her than that. And she wasn't ready for a relationship. (We've broken up twice now) she still wanted to talk then about 3 days after we broke up the first time I told her that I thought about it and that I didn't want to talk anymore and that I had to move on. The next day I woke up to a text from her waning to talk. So I called her and she told me that she didn't want to lose me and if she wanted to try a relationship with anyone, that is was me and that she wanted to make more effort and that she wanted to be official (out a title on our relationship) when we got back together she was happy, loving, close and showed all signs of being happy in a relationship with me. Then she caught me texting a girl, who happens to be a female friend from my community. I lied about it and tried to cover it up. Real stupid move by me and I shouldn't have lied about it. I've learnt my lesson the hard way. Ever since that day her trust in me was broken. She tried to give me a chance to make it up to her and earn her trust back. Only a month went by since that day when we broke up again. I felt the relationship wasn't getting better and that things were getting worse and that she didn't trust me at all. She found it hard to believ in anything I said to her. So during the day (before the night we broke up) I wrote a letter so I wouldn't forget what I wanted to say. I went around her house and asked her if she wanted to be with me and she said she didn't know. So I told her what I wrote myself. I apologised for all the wrong I did. Including my jeleousy of her being friends with her ex. Then I explained to her what I was going to talk to the girl, that she saw me texting, about. I told her the truth. I told her that I was going to ask her for relationship advise, and how a relationship should eventuate and be before things get really serious. By that I mean by giving my girlfriend (ex) a promise ring and then eventually getting engaged. I told my ex this and she said it was a big thing for her and that she's not ready for it etc and didn't want it with her ex. I told her that not for right now but that's what I wanted for us to eventuate to and still do want it with her. I told her she was the best thing that has happened to me and that I'll always love her. And I basically gave her a way out. I even told her that I'm giving her the way out and if she decided to end things then I'd understand. She told me that breaking up with me was the hardest thing she had to do because she was losing a close and dear friend as well as a boyfriend. Anyways we had (breakup sex) the night we broke up. I ended up staying over cause she wanted to snuggle. I left in the morning for a doctors appointment and then went back the same morning because I remembered that I had to install the headlight globes that I baught for her car, other wise she wouldn't know how to do it and it wouldn't get done. After that we ended up hugging and kissing again. I told her that she hasn't lost me and that I'll always love her and always be there for her. I told her that I was open to the possibilty of getting back together in the future when she's ready. I asked her if she was and she said that she wasn't going to say yes or no, just maybe. When I asked her a second time she said yes. Maybe she said yes to just shut me up. Then when I had to go we hugged and kissed at the door and then she had tears running down her face. (She started crying). I asked her why she was crying then she said that she was worried about me. I promised her that everything is going to be ok. Then I gave her one last kiss and left. We haven't spoken since. No texts, no Facebook, no calls. No contact. She took her relationship status down a week after we broke up. Even though she said she wasn't ready the main reason was the trust issue that she had with me. Trust was broken and she couldn't get over it.
I need your help. I'm hoping that there's a chance for me to get her back. I love her very much and want to spend my life with her. I want to have a happy and amazing relationship with her.
Is there any chance for me of getting her back? And if so what do I do? I've already started the no contact period.
It hurts not talking to her but I guess it needs to be done for her to start forgetting the negative things about me and to miss me. I hope she does miss me.
Sorry for the short book that I wrote haha
You do have a decent chance of getting back together. Follow the advice in the article. Make a few positive changes in your life during no contact. I think it'll work wonders in your case.
Hey Kevin,
Great article!! So my situation goes like this... I dated my boyfriend for 2 years, we met in separate cities, we did long distance for a bit month but he ended up moving to where I live because we wanted to be together so he moved into my apartment. In December he ended up moving back to his home town and then in January he broke it off with me, stating he doesn't want the same things as I do yada yada but told me he loves me very much and will always love me, he just didnt want to string me along. I replied with I understand and that I wished him well, there was no negativity in my letter. I haven't contacted him since (even though I want to tell him so bad i miss him and want to be with him). I recently received a text from him asking me how I am doing, hows my family, what's new etc. I replied to his questions and that was about the extent of our communication. So my question is now that we live in separate cities I cant just cordially ask him for coffee or a drink, so how do I have that interaction so he can see that I have changed to a more positive person? Or now that he moved back is there still hope? I mean we did long distance before, and its definitely do-able I just don't know how we can have that initial meet ? Since he was the first to contact me does that mean I can tell him my feelings? Im so confused any help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time!!!
You should start communication with him gradually. Don't tell him your feelings immediately. Talk about other stuff and have some fun conversations with him. If you think he is warm and receptive to your calls and texts, then tell him about your feelings.
Kevin,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you do. I really appreciate that you respond to each and every person. Break-ups are tough and its comforting to know there are people like you that are willing to help. Thanks again!!
Christine
You're welcome Christine. :)
Hey Kevin!
So I took your advice and wrote him a text just telling him a restaurant we used to love closed down. He responded, then also texted me "i have been thinking about you a lot". then asked me if i was still living in the same apartment because he wanted to send me a letter. I am a little scared as he wrote me a handwritten letter to break up with me back in January. Thoughts? Thank you again by the way you are wonderful!
Christine
Don't be scared. Whatever has to happen, will happen. Besides you are already broken up. You should still follow the plan. All the best.
Hey Kevin,
quick question... so my ex asked me if i still lived in the same place because he wanted to send me a letter. Its been over a week and no letter, would it be needy if i were to reach out to him and ask casually "where's my letter?" Thanks for the advice, its much appreciated!
Christine
Yes, it would be needy. Wait another two weeks and then contact him casually. Don't mention the letter though.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of about 14 months broke up with me about 2 months ago and we have been on and off since then. But this past week it seems to me that it is clearly over. Our history dates back to when we were in middle school. Yes, we were babies still. We dated for a year but he broke up with me and never spoke to me again. We never contacted one another and he pretty much avoided me like the plague. Years have passed and we met in college. We said 'hi' and went on our ways a couple times. However, one time he turned around and invited me to the movies. Things took off from there and I met his family and they were pretty smitten with me. At first I was unsure of the relationship because after being together for a few months, he still didn't consider me as his girlfriend. But then a month later he was talking to his friend and said, "Yah, I'm with my girlfriend." I'm including this because my ex is...very random in his decisions. At this point, we were usually always together when we were free. Usually it was I who was busy with either work or class but afterwards, we would always be together. After about 9 months together, my dad became very ill and was in the hospital and he became my support. Things went back to normal once my dad was discharged. 2 months later, his mother was admitted to the hospital as her cancer had taken a turn for the worse. She was in there for about a month. She was discharged and things were normal again. However, her condition failed again and this time she didn't make it. This was about a month later. My ex took it really hard and I was by his side until he had to leave for his country to bury his mom there. During his 1 month trip, we skyped as often as we could and when he returned, we were both extemely happy. It wasn't till about 2 weeks later I began to realize be was changing and acting differently. He changed his phone PIN and was very secretive. I eventually found out that he had been facebooking and skype calling this girl from Switzerland every single day. To the point where he ignored me, my calls, and my texts. When I confronted him about it, he said he liked her but loved me. He said he would choose me and then deleted her from skype. However, right after, he created a new skype behind my back just to talk to her. When I confronted him about that he got upset. There is so much more but this comment is becoming so long and I do not want to take up all of your time. He is turning 22 soon while I will be 21 soon. He does not have a job or a clear goal in life where as I do. His mother passed away where as my father recovered. I think all of this is taking a toll on him so he is running away to this other girl. This girl he talks to knows nothing about him because he lies to her about everything. From his academics to his personality. But he has been at this for a over 2 months now and has made it clear that he will put her before me. He talks to her every chance be gets. So I think he is in love with her even though she has a boyfriend and lives in another country. And I recently found out that they are planning to visit each other. So after rambling about all of this, I just want to know if you think there is still a chance of me being with him or if this is really over? If you are wondering why I still want to be with him, it's because I don't want to give up on him just because he is making a mistake. If this whole thing is a mistake, I want to be able to work through this and we can both come out stronger and laugh at our follies later in life. Because I believe we truly love each other on a different level and I'm willing to fight for it if it will work out. But if not, I will move on. I just need some unbiased advice to point me to the right direction.
I agree that you shouldn't give up on someone just because they made a mistake. But only if they realize they made a mistake and they want to learn from their mistake and are willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. It seems he is yet to reach the point where he realized he made a mistake. There is nothing you can do unless he reaches that point. I guess, if you already broke up, he is not doing anything wrong technically (apart from the fact that he is lying to that girl). I think you should apply the no contact rule. It's the only way to make him realize your value in his life.
What you say is true. He does need to realize the mistake on his own and if he never does then I guess it was not meant to be. I won't stand for being second in a relationship so I have been very lost. Thank you for your advice and help. I look forward to your daily e-mails. They will become my support I'm sure.
Kevin,
I' m 33 years old and my ex is 32 years old. My ex is very independent, not that much confident and I believe that sometimes she feels depressed. I have also struggled with depression in the past. I have had many relationships that didn't lasted much, one was a 7 year relationship and this one is only 4 months. We got involved quickly; I slept over her place a few times a week. For the last 3 weeks we have said many times that our relationship is over and that we should move on but we keep going back and forward with each other by texting and simply by either finding ways to see each other, either me by going to her house and harassing her by not been welcomed and either by her texting me when I want to move on. It’s like we are playing with each other catch me if you can. She has told me many times to move on and I also have told her to move, she has told me many times during this 2 months that she want to find another man and doesn't want to be with me, but when I try to break up she tells me she wants to remain friends. I told her that I don't want to be friends with her because we both have feelings for each other and I can’t see her with another man at this point. She told at one point that she is dating someone that she declined changing it to that she is just talking to someone. One day she tell me to leave her alone, and when I do that , she comes back saying that she likes me a lot. Now, I try to avoid her and she texts me, I text her and she try to avoid me. She is 32 but really playing like she is 15 now. I m not sure if she is dating someone but if she was why is she still in touch with me and want to be friends but friend in theory as she doesn’t want to hang out at all just to text sometimes when she is lonely. I feel like this is never going to end as both me and her are used to text each other on daily bases. I tried to do NC but I haven’t been successful. Knowing her, she is the one that if I don’t go her way she would try to manipulate me to get to talk to her. Please advise.
She will continue playing this game as long as you let her play it. Let her know that you need some time and space and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a month. Then start no contact.
Do you think this relationship is over or not? She told me that am to pushy with her and I scared her away and that is why she wanted me to move on. She want me to move on but she still likes me. She want to date other people. Is this over and even even worth trying? She is a good girl actually not a slut. What percentage of chance I have to make this relationship works if I do all she ask for?
You have a chance and it's definitely worth trying. I really can't give you figure. All I can say is there is no guarantee and you should prepare yourself for the worst.
Kevin. Last question, She told me to give her the Teddy Bear Back ( I purchased for her during valentine day ) and took it from her last week. Again the same story, she wants to stay friends and date other people. I offered her to come and get the Teddy Bear at my house and than she goes no, its ok, give it to your sister. What should I do ? Last question for you, Thanks a million
Follow the plan. Apply no contact. It doesn't mean anything. She is just confused.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me about two weeks ago. His reasoning being that we need to get our lives sorted out, with school and other factors being too overwhelming and our relationship slowly decaying from outside stress and lack of variety. He initially said it was a break, then added he didn't know if we would get together again down the road. Some days later he told me he wasn't going to say he loves me anymore, that he did all he could for me but it wasn't enough and he can't keep feeling love for me, thanked me for the good times we've shared, then told me he would always love me and said he'd talk to me again in brighter times because he needed to improve for his "bestfriend" (me) . We didn't talk for a week, but then he emailed me asking how I've been. The breakup came somewhat unexpectedly as we spent the day before together, although he was asking if I felt we were more of best friends or partners.
He also broke up with me for a few days about a month before because he thought our relationship wasn't progressing with my trust issues and phobia of deep commitment and the way I kept dumping my emotions on him because of my depression and negativity due to my family problems. This was also a surprise because he never seemed too annoyed with this in the past. But he came back a week later and we picked things up, but they weren't the same. On the surface everything was fine but I could feel the rift growing deeper despite my efforts to ask him about if I was holding him back or dragging him down but he always responded with things like "no, you lift me up". All of my attempts to bring us closer and talk about the issues that had continued had been dismissed with cheesy unclear answers that proved to be lies because he eventually bailed.
Despite our unstable moments, I love him and don't want him to be the one who gets away. I was depressed and apathetic and negative through a lot of our relationship which ended up pushing him away, but I got out of the rut. While we both need time to continue sorting our lives out, i'm afraid that he will only see me as his "bestfriend" or less from now on and convince himself to move on based on my past behaviour.
I don't think it'll be easy for him to stop thinking of you as a potential lover. Just apply no contact and go on a few dates during no contact.
I met my "ex" online, and we only dated for three months. I'm going to be 21, and he's almost 26. It became clear from the start we had a yo-yo relationship. This only complicated things. We already broke up twice. One of them was prompted by a friend of mine, though. About two weeks ago he finally dumped me in some texts (although he'd shown odd, aggressive behavior on our last date.) The reason being that he felt I was "stressful" to put up with, and just generally had wanted to leave for awhile. I had begun walking out on several dates. Even with good reason (medical, phone call, grossed out), he seemed to be tired of it all. He explained he didn't enjoy most of the relationship. I'm confused because when we first started dating, I was "fun, pretty, and a good kisser."
Naturally he was pissed off in one of our last discussions together. Everything that came out of his mouth was insulting. He just went back and forth listing all my shortcomings. He even apologized and wished me the best of luck. Though I didn't feel any of that was sincere.
I've spoken to other people about this problem. Everyone has got the impression that he's a bit of a creep anyway. One friend tried to get us back together. But my ex mentioned something like: "You made some good points, but you took things out of context. I appreciate the concern. ... Goodbye." And so he's just been spurting lines like that nonstop. We deleted each others numbers, he blocked me from viewing his blog (where I left some rude comments.) Pretty much everyone advised me to move on. For some strange reason, I can't stop thinking about him. It seems the relationship was just left unfinished. Also, since our time together was so brief, we never actually had romantic attraction to each other. I feel like that could have worked out.
And finally, he swears he's "done" and "finished" with me. I don't believe it, considering our past history. He just keeps coming right back. Even when I threw this on him, he mentioned: "No, it's ~YOU~ who always comes back to ME." So I don't know anymore. I'm currently applying the NC. I've constantly wished he would secretly show up at my door. Or maybe shower me on my birthday. As much as I wish it I don't think it's gonna happen since we haven't maintained regular contact for awhile now.
What do you think?
It is possible that he will come back again this time. But you really need to take some time off (around 2-3 months) and think whether or not you want to do this for the rest of your life. Don't get back with him unless you are absolutely sure that you two can stay in a committed healthy and stable relationship. If you have any doubts, it's better that you let him go.
Hi Kevin, my ex and a broke up 4 months ago after an 8 year relationship (on & off 3 times) we have 2 children together.
Our story is.. 2 years after being with him we had a child he then cheated and we broke up for 8 months until he came crying/begging back. I was still absolutely in love with him so of course I room him back, then after 2 more years we had another child. Whilst I was pregnant he created a massive drug problem (so bad that he ended up in rehab) I don't no how or where it started as I wouldn't even no what it feels like to be on them but it ruined us, after arguments and fights and police and cheating AGAIN I broke up with him AGAIN and told him until he was ready to get off the drugs I no longer want to be any part of it. Probably 10 months later he decided to go to rehab and I supported him through it, 4 months later he got out and we were straight back into the relationship only it was different we still loved each other very much but it was different. 2 months later we broke up, it has now been 4 months (no contact other that the children) i think we both realised it was over. Now he has moved on I am not coping real well, he is now back with his ex of 10 years ago before me. They were together for 2 years and he cheated on her as to why they broke up. I did a little stalk on social media and also sent a few messages (not confessing my love) just asking questions probably about 5. Is there any hope at all (I no he is still sexually attracted to me as he always tries to have sex) up until 2 weeks ago since I found out about him and his be gf. For some reason he is completely mad at me and ignoring me not talking to me at all because I no about him and his new gf. Should I be the one upset? Why is he angry because I no. Anyway is there hope? I can apply no contact although he is very good at that and I think he has applied it. Thanks in advance
I think the reason he is upset is because he doesn't want you to know about his new gf. He is afraid if you find out, you are also going to try to move on and thinking about that scares him. I think you do have hope. But you'll have to get back in touch and talk to him. Follow the plan and do no contact for 2-3 months.
Hey Kevin, me and my girlfriend went out for about 6 months we broke up a month ago mainly because we were arguing over her ex boyfriend after we broke up I called her and texted a lot and she ignored but after time we started talking again but then we argued and I said some messed up things I shouldn't have said and didn't mean so we broke up again I called her and texted a lot again and she finally answered. She said "I was annoying and told me to leave her alone and it's over , I'm sorry have a nice life"So I messed up pretty bad already we removed each other off of all social networks and we blocked each other's phone numbers so we can't call or text each other. So my question is, do i still have chance with her? and if I do after the no contact period how should I contact her?
Yes you do have a chance. You can contact her using the hand written letter.
Hello, I have been looking everywhere for some advice, I was hoping maybe you could help. I have been with my ex boyfriend for 2 and half years. We broke up like 2 weeks ago. I see everywhere about the 30 days no contact. I do not know how to do this we live together and I can not move out until August. I went 3 days of avoiding him but he will just randomly start hanging out with me or start talking to me about his life. He tries to cuddle, make out or have sex sometimes as well this is very embarrassing but I have giving in and done those things. I am confused. I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart. Do I have a chance at getting him back? Have I messed it up so badly by giving in and having sex? Does him wanting to be around me and have sex with me mean he wants to work things out as well?
Kayla,
I don't think you messed up. Everyone has moments of weakness. However, try not to give in the next time. Read this article for details on how to apply no contact if you are living together.
What if you made all the the needy mistakes on break up day. Met her the next day pretty much gave her closure after breakup by saying you also felt things changed and you were ok. Realized you were wrong after no contact for about week and contacted her and met again. She was very sad and cried, but kept firm to her trusting her feelings and how her feelings had changed. We said our goodbyes again. Another week of no contact later you run into her and contact her again she responded with no anger and never ignored text messages stayed adamant about her feeling towards you are different and she cant ignore them. Told you she feels a sadness and sometimes finds herself missing you or things. Constantly told you shes focusing on things that make her happy and staying positive and you need to do the same and stay positive. I had told her I dont think I could ever be just friends with her because I care for her more than that. She said she will always be more than willing to be my friend, if i was willing ,when we can be around eachother and friends without having any emotional connection. But in order for her to heal from this 3 year relationship she cannot be texting or contacting me in anyway. The both of us agreed its the best way to heal. We were always very sensitive about each others feelings through out our relationship. Its obvious she cares for me because she never wanted me to feel like she was turning her back on me by not responding to any of my reaching out attempts but at the same time shes leaving me. I feel like the no contact rule here does not apply and there is no hope? But I know i cannot contact her again because at this point she has repeated herself numerous times and we will reach the annoying stage and probably ignoring. Thoughts?
It seems she is pretty adamant about moving on. I think there is still a chance if you can approach her from a different angle and try to seduce her. You still will have to apply no contact for a month. If you contact her after a month or two, it won't be annoying for her and she will probably even appreciate it.
Hey Kevin,
My bf broke up with me a few days ago. He told me he needed time to find himself again and that he needed more experience ( since he was a virgin and hadn't been with anyone else before me). He however told me that he didn't want me out of his life and said that he was there for me as a friend. He confessed that he still had feelings for me but that he couldn't go back and forth on what he wanted. I haven't talked to him since then and I accepted his decision because I love him and want him happy. Do you think there's hope for us in the future should I agree to be friends after the no contact period?
Yes, and yes.
I've been with my ex 10 months he broke up with me 4 days ago after a stupid Txt I sent him to get back at him which leaded him to break up with me, he hasn't called or Texted me, I've been blowing up his phone , I'm verry needy, desperate, can't eat can't sleep, cry all day wonder what he's doing he blocked me on Fb and instagtam , so last night late at night when I walked to his house he texts me out of no where saying sorry for the late response I'm sick goodnight . when I Txt him back saying I'm almost outside his house he text back why? How? We talked about how we been these days without each other and he finally told me the truth why can he get back with me ever, that he doesn't want to and doesn't think we are going to get back together. I ask him why if we still love eachother , he's said I was too demanding, impulsive, always nagged always made him feel like everything he did was wrong , he had to serve me food, buy diapers for my daughter he was always there for me , and I never gave him the same back his friends, clients, and family all told him to dump me I was no good for him he said he felt like my lil bitch doing everything for me and he didn't like that today he Texted me 2wice and hasn't replied, I feel horrible after opening my eyes and seeing I was the problem I told him if we could meet up as friends today Cuz I need him as a friend to talk to he said what do you want to talk about and never replied to my texts last night we were holding hands he hugged me tight kissed a couple of times I told him I love him he looked at me for a quick second and said I love you too with a sad face , I begged him many times after I left in a Txt messages I told him we could still work it out just 1 more chance to prove him I won't make the same mistakes again, I feel like if he gives me the chance I would be forgivin for the past I still love him to death he confessed he felt trapped, and couldn't keep going on like that, now he feels like he can breath , like a weight over his back is gone what should I do his birthday is coming up may 13, he gave me no hope that we had a chance to return , I told him I'll give you the time you need n we can start new and fresh a new relationship he said whatever happens happens but I assure u I don't think were getting back together. What should I do I don't want to loose him I feel like if I don't act now we won't be able to get back together
You don't have to act exactly right now. Give him a month to cool off and follow the advise in the article. Trust me, he won't move on in a month.
Hey i really need ur help! Its been 3 months since my boyfriend and i brokeup! We had a fight! For a week i pretended like a brokeup with him but we used to talk normally everyday nd he begged me to come back i had no intentions to hurt him i just wanted him to realise his mistake because he alwayz kept on repeating it!
Then after a week i told him i love you nd he told me how happy he was that i came back!
But then i dunno then d next day he was lyk he wants to breakup because r parents wont allow us to get married nd he even told me that he still loves me! Nd d day after i checked his fb wall nd came to know that he was in a relationship! I even asked him y he did this! He told me that he is taking revenge from as she is her ex with whome he brokeup 3 years ago nd i know how much he hated her! But den i dunno y he went in a relationship with her! He told that he is having a time pass with him!
D frst month i was broken + angry nd i used to scold him etc nd he never told me anything he just used to tell i broke ur heart nd u have all rights to tell me anything!
But after 1 month i told him i want him in my life as i love him a lot nd cant live without him
He too told me that he loves me nd he will come back just that he wamts sometime! I agreed
But den just 2 weeks back i just changed so much he told me that plz dont wait fr me i cant come back!
But i cant live without him i really love him a lot nd i want him back in my life!
I am going to my home country after 3 months nd we live in d same building so i guess its a plus point fr meI just cant wait to meet him!
I really need your help plz tell me what to do
Will wait for ur reply!
Thanks a lot!
But if he doesnt replies after a month also?:(
How many chances are there that he will come back to me!
I want him back at any cost!
Nd forgot to tell u one thing he is a relative of mine so ill be living in the house with him for more than a month! Nd next year i am permanently shifting there!
Rida,
If he doesn't reply, then you wait another month and contact him again. There is always a chance that he won't come back to you. So, instead of asking how much chance there is for him to come back, you should be preparing yourself for the worst case scenario. If he doesn't come back to you, you can still have a fulfilling life without him. You just need to learn to be happy without him.
Thanks a lot kevin!
What should i do when i go to india?:/ should i talk to him?(as i meantioned hez a close relative nd we live in d same building there) ill b there fr a month!
If it's been one month no contact, then yes talk to him.
Kevin,
So my girlfriend and I broke up Saturday after 2 years. Shes' 17 and I'm 19. She hadn't drunk in 2 years, and we took a break so she could "be selfish" and do her for a weekend. It didn't really work I'd say. Friday night she got really drunk and blacked out and a guy kissed her. She started crying after it happened and went upstairs and talked to her friends for 2 hours. She met with me the next morning and said she couldn't expect me to forgive her because she couldn't if I did that to her. Anyway, she said that we needed to break up so she could find out who she was again. She said she had lost herself in the relationship and all the fighting and needs to worry about herself. She said she will always love me as much as ever and won't want anyone else. She wants to talk but says she needs a few days and such. Is this a good idea, or should I stop talking to her completely? Every time I started crying, she would kiss me to stop me and say "why are you crying? You know I love you. I'm not crying because I think we could eventually find each other." I'd ask if we were going to get back together, and she said she had no idea. She kept kissing me during this time and said she loved me over and over. I'd tell her I loved her more and she kept saying "stop, no you don't." It just seemed so normal for a break up. We changed our relationship statuses together and she mentioned how happy she was it ended on good terms. She still hasn't texted me (it's only been three days and I plan to just have a very NORMAL conversation). I haven't done any of the mistakes listed above, as I've kept my distance and haven't mentioned her at all. I love her to death and just want to get her back in the long run, although I realize she needs time to find herself. What should I do? Can I get her back?
Kevin,
I also forgot to mention that she said that we had been fighting lately and she thought I had been controlling lately. I didn't realize it but do now. That was definitely part of it.
Yes, you can get her back. Although a better option will be to let her go and explore your options. You are both young and if it's meant to be, you will eventually get back together. I'll recommend you keep no contact for at least 30 days and date at least a few other girls before getting back with her.
Hi Kevin
My ex broke up with me back in January. It was a heat of the moment type of break-up although I later found out he hadn't been happy for a few weeks. We were together for 6 months and moved really quickly, he wanted to see me every day and I slept at his place 4-5 nights a week. It was too much time together, too soon. We both stated we were a bit jaded about relationships but eventually we just became a couple. Our communication levels SUCKED.
After he ended it I stopped contacting him. Two weeks passed and I text messaged him because I wanted to pick up my stuff so I could actually "move on". To which he replied that he missed me and wanted to talk. That talk led to him telling me that he doesn't know what he wants and he still really cares about me and still wanted to hang out with me but he didn't wan't to jump back into a relationship. I was unsure about this move because I didn't want to get hurt again. I avoided hanging out with him for a couple weeks, but for the past month we have been seeing a lot of each other. He always initiates the hang outs, and meets me for lunch at work very often. It took about three weeks of hanging out for me to sleep with him again. It's kind of become a thing now, but only after we have had a few drinks. It is like we are too awkward about our situation to initiate sex sober lol. He brings up the past, compliments me in front of his friends and is always touchy feely. He looks at me with a "eye of the beholder" grin and makes me feel cared for. I definitely want to work towards building a relationship again but I don't know how to bring it up without freaking him out. I'm ok with the way things are now, it feels almost like the beginning, but I am also a bit insecure and fear that I am reading too much into his actions.
What is a good way to bring up the whole "what are we doing right now" thing? I don't need him to commit to me right now, I just want to know if there is any hope or intention in the future because if not I need to prepare myself for that. I DO NOT want to look needy or weak and I do not want him to feel pressured. Any advice?
Thank you :)
Just bring it up. Use the exact words you used in your message. I don't think it'll look needy, especially at this point since both of you are sleeping together for a while now. It's your right to bring it up.
Hi kevin,
I just finished reading you're article and I thought its so true but in my case its kind of different I really hope you could help me out, first off I did try staying away from my ex for a bit then I had to go and visit her.. she's a relative .. so ive got to visit her family at least.. and she seemed real guilty and feeling really bad that she left me but doesnt want to be in a relationship though .. not at all.. she just wants to focus on her studies and thats it and she got a lot of familt issues and she's really stressed out.. But the problem here is that right now we're living together like I Mentioned earlier shes a relative and my dad thought he'd help her family out theyre really close to us.. and their financial situation isn't so great.. so I see her everyday.. she have changed a little . Like shes been kind of relaxed not so stressed and I was helping them move in with us. . And I made sure that she notice that im doing this not for her but for the sake of her family and just helping out. So ive seen her kind of offering me a hand when im doing something . I.e laundry , dishes.. etc. Deep down its killing seeing her in front of me everyday and knowing that shes not mine.
Ps. When we broke up she was confused of what kind of execuses she should say to execuse herself..
First off she said its because of her studies.. then she said its because of my dad .(my dad wanted an engagement , some traditions thing. .I said we're too young for this so did she.. were 21 but I did mention if thats what it takes to be with her we could make a semi official engagement nothing special. Just rings and thats it not a big party etc.. )
And so we disagreed to that after we broke up I told her that we could still be together without our parents knowing anything but she refused she said she loyal for the our parents and since they want the engagement we'll just focus on our future now as school wise and see what happens in the future. . And then she said that this whole time when she was with me she was trying to love me.. she didnt really love me.. and now im just lost and confused.. and we're okay together right now as friends .. yet I have feelings for her but I dont show it .. im not sure what to do.. we live together we cant really move out.. and im stuck..
If you could please help out id really appreciate it.
Thank you
Hey Mostafa,
I guess the best thing to do in your situation is to continue doing what you've been doing. I am pretty sure she has feelings for you as well. Give her some time, like a month or two and then ask her to get back together.
Hey Kevin,
My wife and I have been separated for a few months now. I've done everything you asked but she says we will never be together the love is gone. She can't control who she loves. Yet when I hang out with her once in awhile I can still feel the love when she touches me. What should I do to win her back? I don't want to give up
Adam, start all over again from no contact.
Hi Kevin,
I wish I could have stumbled across you website sooner!! My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We were't together very long, but had one amazing relationship. I was falling in love with him, and was falling in love with me as well. We live in different states, but we manged to see each other every other week. Fate definitely brought us together!!! We have so much in common and the same goals in life. We planned our whole future together. So its extremely painful for me to not have him in my life.
So about a month ago, we went on vacation together. During this time I met a lot of his very close friends and some of his family. We all went out one night, and my better judgement got the best of me, and I had way to much to drink. I blacked out, which has never happened to me. Needless to say I made a complete fool out of myself, in front of my new boyfreind and some of his family. My ex is now on the fence concerning me and whether or not he wants to continue to see me, he sees me in a new light, because this was the first time we were on vacation, and the first time his people were meeting me. So it looks sooo bad, first impressions are everything. I feel awful, I know my limits when it comes to alcohol, but for some reason, that night, I didn't feel the effects. I feel sabotaged, I am a classy woman, and I think it looks so ugly when women are drunk, and not in control of their actions. I frown upon that, never thought I would be one of them. My ex asked for his space, and I gave it to him. He said he needed time to figure out what he wants to do. He has a very successful business, and have some pretty high profile people he is connected with, and isnt quite sure it I fit into his life anymore.
We've spoken here and there but the conversation, is so dry on his end. I feel like I dont know him anymore. He said that we need to take baby steps, and things are not going to be 100 mph, like they were before. However, he is still trying to sort out his feelings towards me, and isn't sure if he wants me. He says he still deciding if he wants to be my friend or not.
After reading your advice on this site I have decided to start the no contact rule, day 2 of 30 plus maybe more. Havent decided how long I will do this. I've been working on myself, going to the gym, eating healthy, I stopped drinking, because that episode, scared me to death. I trying to make solid lasting changes in my life. I'm still in so much pain, because I do love him, but I need t0 be able to love me more.
The most difficult part about all of this, is that I have quite a few personal belongings of his in my home, and he has a key to my place. Ive asked him several times, if he wants his things, and all he says is, "If I wanted them, I would asked for you to send them to me by now, are they in your way? If not leave them, if so put them somewhere where their not" whats the reasoning behind this. Control?
I believe everyone deserves a second chance, not quite sure if he agrees with that.
Do you think we still have a chance? Can I redeem myself?
Yes, you do have a chance. If his things reminds you of him, put them in a box and keep them somewhere safe. Other than that, follow the plan. I think he simply doesn't want his things at this point. There is no specific reasoning behind it.
Hi Kevin,
My now ex travels for his business. Currently we have been dating for 2 1/2 months. So he is in an area for a few months then heads off to a different area. He is alot older than I am but when we met we hit it off. Spent alot of time together for about a month and a half and then he had to pick up and leave. We started out texting and calling, then he got busy building his biz so it seemed like I was putting in more effort contacting him. He would ho a few days without calling or texting and on a day I would we would call or text, I would ask how he was but then start complaining That he wasn't putting in any effort.We would talk about it and then the next week, the same thing. I complained. He assured me he was really busy, I would apologize. And then the next week, Same thing. I thought I could handle a long distance relationship but when he doesnt contact me for a few days, I get anxious. So this past week was the last straw. The issue came up again about no effort on his part and I somewhat ended it. I gave it about 4 days and not contacting him. Then I sent a text was he still mad and he said no. I asked if he still loved me and he said he did. So I sent a text saying that I have been thinking about him alot lately..no response. Then I went "crazy" and would send random we text, no response and I called him for 3 days straight and no response. I was in a state of panic so I would send text asking where he was. I missed him. And then yesterday, I had a friend call to see if he would answer her out of state number, and he did! It really broke my heart bc I saw that he was really avoiding me. So I sent nor text and finally he responded and said that I kept going back and for with not wanting to be with him, then apologizing. That He told me how it would be and I said I could handle it but really couldn't. And how im pointing the blame. And he told me to tell myself whatever I needed to get my mind right, that he is good. I went on to try and plead my case..but he stopped responding. I read the previous comments amd just wondering, do u think he will contact me and if you think going through the no contact if there will still be a chance for us and could he ever forgive me. Te last text I sent him was about not giving up on me, but he didnt respond. Advice please...im "dying" over here:/
Tally,
I'll be honest, your chances are very slim. Your relationship was short and you showed a lot of neediness and insecurity during this time. If you want, you can try applying no contact for one month and then contact him again. But like I said, your chances are slim. You'll be better off concentrating on moving on.
Hi everyone. It is my first post and I need some serious advice. This is gonna be long so pardon me for it.
Story:
I'm 26 and she is 28(HB9). We met in a club and decided to become exclusive after about 1 month of dating. Ever since then, I haven't been going out with other girls after we got together. She has been in my country since 18 for studies and started working few years back. We met in 2011 and have been together for 2 and half years. Things has been pretty stable along the way and we are pretty much in love with each other except for some quarrels that all couples have. We normally spend the weekends together going out and over at my place. I am pretty happy in this relationship and I do sense that she feels the same. She tells me she loves me at times and I do say it back to her.
Her past relationship does not post any problems as the previous break ups are pretty much due to the ex-bfs being too possessive. But she do have lots of guy friends and sometimes goes for a drink/dinner with them which I am totally fine with. But I do tell her to text me every time once she is home.
She is quite a mature lady that has her own thinking.. She is also someone who has great respect for her family(mum, dad, sis, niece). To her, her family is everything because they were the ones that put her through her overseas studies since she was young.
I find that she is someone that I could spend my life with and I do think of marrying her. But here comes the problem. Her family is back in her own country and there is no way they would migrate over to my country. I have tried to ask her what's going to happen for us in future but she has been reluctant to discuss it. Every time I talk to her about it(like getting a house or residency in my country), I always get a very simple reply and not much information about it. It turns out that she always has the thought of going back to her country and never coming back again. I've sensed that but I didn't make any planning about it with her.
So recently something happened that triggered this break up. Her dad called and told her that her sister got into an accident but could not elaborate much on it as he has to settle the hospital issues. Her mum does not know what happened as the family is afraid that her mum can't take the shock. So she got really worried and started crying that night.
Previously, similar incidents happened and her sis was really distraught about what had happened. She always blamed herself for not being around when things happens to her family. All she can do is just wait for phone calls from her family and she is really upset about it. So this time round, it was really the last straw for her. I met up with her that night and asked her what happened. She told me that her sis is involved in an accident and she wants to fly back the next day. After what had happened, she said that she can't stay in my country anymore because her family is her everything and she wants to with them(to take care of them and if any shit happens) She tells me that she really loves me and I was really the one for her but she can't continue this relationship anymore because of her family. I was really upset but told her that she should leave because her family is really important to her but I don't want this relationship to end just like this. She went back home after some talks.
I was really shocked about it because it just happened so suddenly. I went back home and thought about the possibilities on how the make this relationship work. And the only way is to follow her back to her country. I spoke to my mum about it(my mum really likes my gf and always wanted me to marry her) and she told me to go to her country and try to carry on the relationship even if it means staying there permanently. I am pretty much confident that I can make it in her country even though there are some factors that I have to consider and figure it out.
So I phoned her and she told me that her sis is out of critical condition but suffered a broken ankle. So I arranged a meeting the following night. That night I met up with her and told her to give us some time to think about it and not giving it up so easily. I told her about the plan of me going over to her country but she was quite resistant to the idea because she has been through it before and it is really tough to be without my family. She also feels that she can't be so selfish for her to make me go back to her country just to be together. It's so hard for me to convince her to let me go back with her. I think the whole situation exhausted her pretty much. So before I left, I told her to give it a serious thought on the possibility of me going back with her and I would figure things out on whether I can make it. She wants some time off from our relationship and I said okay and to call me once she has thought about it.
She is a wonderful person which I'm willing to make sacrifice for and I want to make it work. But I don't know what I can do to change things around. I could really use some advices here.
PS: I don't suspect any cheating or whatsoever going on. I know she loves me and enjoyed being with me but the family is such a huge obstacle.
Thank you.
You did everything you could. The ball is in her court now. Give her time to think and decide if she wants it. Don't try to pressure her.
So how long do you reckon is the right amount of time for her to think about it? I mean this breakup is slightly different from the usual "we can't get along" kind of breakup. Today is Day 4 since I've spoke to her.
It's hard to say. Maybe two months. My guess is as good as yours.
Hey kevin.
My post is to far down page to reply to from my mobile so i have u can reply here. thanks for getting back to me on 30th. she actually txt my best friend to say she wants me to put my energy in getting vver her and moving on. she want me to be happy but wont be with her. is that it now?
Lou,
Do you want it to be over? Can you move on? If you think you can move on, move on. But if you think you want to try getting her back one more time, then you follow the plan.
I want her back.i.just want to know by her saying this is it defo.over?
What if it's definitely over? What will you do if it's definitely over?
Hey Kevin,
First of all I'd like to thank you for writing this article! Everything souds really logical!
I also subscribed to your e-mails. In some of the e-mails you refer to Relationship Rewind and I have a question about this.
The author of Relationship Rewind states he doesn't think a no-contact period does the 'realtionship' any good.
I can understand both his and your point of view, but I'd like to ask you which would be the best 'tactic'.
1. 30 days no contact > trying to contact ex via RR method
2. Contact ex via RR method now/couple of days (It's been 15 days since the break up and we had a realtionship for 1,5 years.)
Thanks again for writing this article, It really helped me so far!
Hope to hear from you,
Mike
Hey Mike,
I'd go with 1.
My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance two years. I made plans to move where he is in May but he broke up with me the weekend of Valentine's. I was devastated. We live in different countries. He is a very caring person. He bought me flowers on Valentine's and the next day, we did not speak until later that evening. I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a lot on his mind. He gets like this sometimes. So I let him have his space. But for some reason, I felt a little bad. I told him I felt he was shutting me out again (he did this a year into our relationship). The next day, I wasn't saying much when he called me. He doesn't make decisions logically so as a result he just stop talking to me. I feel he was looking for a reason so break up with me. I tried contacting him a few times but nothing. When we finally spoke, which was three weeks later, he said he didn't know how to tell me that he was feeling fake and the didn't love me the way I loved him. He said he was drinking for three weeks straight because he couldn't face me. Well I told him I will let him go because it was no sense I being with someone who didn't love me. He said he didn't think it would be so easy. I guess he thought I would beg him. I wanted too but I had done that before and we got back together. I realize I had to have some dignity. This has been the hardest break up for me. I can't seem to get a grip. I have lost weight because I am exercising every day. Even though he is a giving person, he would make little comments directed at my weight. I feel good about myself but not one hundred percent. I have so many guys trying to talk to me as a result but I am not interested. I want my boyfriend back. I really love him. I started the no contact but I messed up. Last week he contacted me because he hadn't heard from me and I felt good about that. Unfortunately I contacted him by phone and email. He wants us to remain friends because we were best friends before we became intimate. He said he would still do anything for me. I told him I don't call because a person can't just turn love off and on, so it is hard for me. I know I blew it because he feels comfortable and seems to be getting on with his life. What should I do?
It's OK. I don't think you blew it. Start no contact again.
Hi Kevin , does my ex hate me that much now?
We dated for 1.5 yrs. I'm 24 and he's turning 28 soon. For the middle of the year, we were separated yet we continued talking and lead to starting over. We broke up again cause I jokingly indicated that he was lying as previously indicated in my last comment. I tried following your NC rule and I was okay. Until I thought I was over him to okay with being friends. When I messaged him, he said maybe we will talk later and needs space - maybe a few months. I left him be but my curiosity is killing me I asked again how long and no reply. I continued and he said he's not attracted to me anymore. Okay, then he said he's remaining silent since my replies outweigh his answers. I apologized numerous times for calling him a liar and bothering him, but I never got a reply back. He blocked me from twitter and google chat. I care about him so much. Why can't he be straightforward to telling me again stop. Or something. But he's not saying anything and I look crazy.
Start no contact again and this time make it at least 2 months.
I'm terrible at this. I keep having to restart NC. It's finally been one week and I haven't messaged him anything - will strive for NC for 2 months like you told me to. I'm really scared he will never speak to me again, he never blocked me off everything.. two months passed, 1 month of him stopped speaking to me and 1 week for me of stoppage from contacting him. I realize my messaging was getting too much. My final note was if he wants me to hate him and not care about him anymore then I will. I never said anything back. He did "seen" my message a few days afterwards. I really wish he will talk to me again, but I'm just so scared he won't.
Hey Kevin,
You're a legend. Obviously most of this stuff is emotional and requires being strong and not giving in. I've read most of these comments and can't seem to find much in relation to my specific situation. Me and my gf/ex-gf have been together 3 years and she has recently been going through a lot of change (her starting university, meeting new friends and cutting her full time work to part time) so if I think logically I'm sure her breaking up with me is in part to do with her lifestyle change. However, we are living together and neither of us can really financially take the step of moving out (there are pets involved also). What is your advice on the NC aspect while living together (we only have one bed etc)? Do you suggest just trying to do my own thing and maybe spending more time out of the house/not acknowledging the fact that she's at home and leaving her to do her own thing?
Thanks for your time bro and I look forward to your response.
Hey Jason.
Thanks for your comment and your kind words. I have written about living together in this article.
Hi. My girlfriend dumped me almost 3 months ago. I met her last summer and on the second week we hooked up. she lives in europe and i in the usa. we skyped for four months everyday and were getting real serious talking marriage etc. I went to europe during christmas to visit her. i met her family and the first week they loved me. Then I met the uncle and her parents changed towards me. she is 30 years old. I remember her grandma told me twice she doesnt think there gonna let her come to america for good. Her uncle came up with a lot of excuses about our relationship. he told her skype isnt a relationship and your parents and family plus friends are here. america is too far and he told her u hardly speak good english and what are you gonna do there? here you have a good job etc. I told her uncle that i can move there and he brought up excuses about that saying theres no future here for you etc. she was supposed to come to the usa for two weeks with me but she didnt come. then in january when i came back to usa she dumped me via email. she was like at first she has feelings for me but she was expecting more and its above her but we should break up. then she tells me the truth is her parents dont want me and she cant cross them cause she gave them problems in the past and her ex husband wouldnt allow her to talk to her parents. I was talking to her a lot after the break up and then i started to cut back. now i havent spoken to her in three weeks and she hasnt called me either. what should i do? i love her and we never fought or not have things in common. so i dont know why she left me except for what i witnessed with her family.
Hey John,
I'll be honest, your chances are slim. Unless she is willing to go against her parents, there is nothing you can do. I guess the best course of action is to give her some time (around 30 days), contact her and if she hasn't change her mind till then, let it go.
Hey, my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. We got into a fight about something really small, he freaked out and said we would talk in the morning. The next day the moment I see him he starts crying saying that I am an amazing person, that I care so much about him, that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he just doesn't have those same feelings anymore. He said that he had been feeling that way for a month but just kept trying to see if things would change, even though he seemed perfectly loving. During our relationship he mentioned many things like how i nagged and complained all the time, how i was too insecure etc. but I never really did anything to change that. I had texted him the next day saying how much he meant to me and how crazy this whole breakup seemed. He agreed and said that he didn't want me to text him anymore because it just "made his heart sink into his stomach." He said he needed space so that we could be friends later. I feel now like there is really no hope for us. I just wanted to see what you thought.
There is hope. Follow the advise in the article.
HI,
My boyfriend and I for 6 months just recently broke up. He said that I changed and he is unhappy. He said my attitude, negativity and assuming everything irritates him. He said he still loves me, cares, needs and wants me in his life, but he doesn't have time for my needs anymore because he wants to focus on his career. Also, that there is no someone else. And just want to be friends.
When we met, his ex fiance cheated on him and got married with another guy. He got homeless and none of his friends was there to help, but me. I was there for him, invited him to my apartment to stay through out til he got a job. Since, he got a job things have changed. He moved out. I know that i was at fault too demanding time, always texting him. When we get into a fight, I always end up crying begging him to stay.
Our last fight is when I texted him that he needs to stop treating me as an option because I do not deserve to be treated that way. He just text or call me when he needs me to get something done for him or take care of his daughter. I take care of his daughter every Sunday-Monday and they come to my place to play with my son as well.
That day, he said he is done, but he texted me and said that he needed a ride to my house because he needs to pick up his motorcycle. And i did.
I spoke with him and asked him if he is serious about he told me that he is done with us. He said he have tried his best to save the relationship ( i feel that he did not), but he just do not want any relationship right now because he needs to focus on his career. I asked him why is he doing this to me after everything I have done for him. He said it is clear that our wants are different from each other. Then we argued. After we argued, he asked to have a little dinner before we part. It was so hurtful seeing him so calm and looks happy like nothing happened. He said that on his bday he wanted me to be there for him for his party because I am important to him. I replied what for? Then he just went silent and just went on texting. That same night I told him that I might be pregnant. Then he said, you telling me you are pregnant will not make me commit. I told him I am not telling him to commit, I am just telling him there is a possibility. Then he became something I did not see. He started saying that if ever I am, he does not want it and that will ruin his life and his daughters life. That he will need to go out of the country. I was shattered by his words. Thinking, did I date a monster? Was i in love with a monster? But then I txt him back letting him know that inspite of him treating me like I am nothing, I still love him. He replied back: I love you too.
After that I told him once more that I made plans for us, so that our relationship would work, but its too late now since he already broke up with me and there is no chance for us to be together again. He said, how do i know that we will not be together again? He said that I need to find myself first, get a better career, then maybe we can be in each other arms again. For me, if he is not there to love me at my worst(like i loved him), then he does not deserve me at my best.
I deleted his number on my phone, but we are still friends on facebook and through a game that we played together before. He has still stuff at my house he needs to pick up, but he has not contacted me yet since the last time we spoke, which is 3-4 days ago. Should i text him and say he needs to pick up his stuff? Or should I wait for him to contact me til his ready to pick it up? Also, do i need to delete him as a friend on my facebook? His birthday is coming up. which is April 12. He wanted me to go. Should I go or not? Please advise.
If you find yourself constantly checking his profile on facebook, then delete him. Don't text him, let him contact you. If by April 12th, you feel happy and confident enough to see him, then go ahead. However, I don't think you will be ready at that time, so it'll be a better idea to just text him happy birthday and leave it at that.
Hey Kevin
My boyfriend and I of 3 years recently broke up. Our relationship was really good until the last 6 months. I moved to another state because I got a job and then things turned for the worst because I ended up hating my job not making new friends a loved one close to me passed found out a parent was unfaithful and ended up dealing with a stalker all in the past 6 months back to back. This being said I was going through a mini depression and I was always unhappy and he began distancing him self from until finally there was no communication at all. I was upset that he wasn't there for me the way I was there for him so I told him we should take a break. He didn't even debate about it with me he just agreed. I felt like I was always frustrating and irritating and I wanted to give him time to miss me. For 3 weeks I went without contacting him until a friend screenshot a pic of him with a new girlfriend. I became very furious and I lashed out on instagram calling him a cheater and all my friends backed me up. Of course he denied it even thoug there was proof. The next day I reflected on the decision to call him out on social media and I felt terrible about it so I deleted it. Although he has moved on I still care bc i was invested in this relationship for 3 years. do you think it would still be possible for us to make it work in the future or did I cross the line of no return?
Hi Kevin,
Your site is definitely helping me try to get through this, so thanks! I wanted to get your take on my situation, and see if you think I have a chance. Me and my ex were together for 8 months. We broke up about a month ago for the first time. She didn't think I was ready to deal with her kids, and honestly, neither did I. It scared the hell out of me. Plus I made a bad mistake the day I was supposed to meet one of her kids. So she ended it. Let's just say I have a tendency to do stupid things and realize what I've done right after. Something I'm trying to work on.
Anyway, after giving it a lot of deep thought for days on end, I realized how much I loved her, and that I was ready to accept her kids into my life. So I chased after her, wrote letters, did everything I could, and explained to her that I loved her and was ready to accept her kids in my life, I finally got her to come back about a week later. The following few weeks seemed to be going really well. We were getting along good, and so was I and her kids. I was even starting to really get attached. So as far as the kid situation was concerned, I'm pretty sure I fixed it.
Then last week we were hanging out and I did another stupid thing. I wasn't paying attention to some stuff she was trying to show me that was important to her. I had some work I needed to do because I'm concerned about my job security. So all I could think about was my work, and I ended up coming across like an asshole that didn't want to see her important items, which I acknowledge. I immediately started apologizing right after I knew she was upset. I told her I wanted to see her stuff, but she was trying to show me at a very bad time. But I knew the damage was done.
Everything seemed to be ok the rest of the night, I slept at her house and when I left for work in the morning she was hugging me, kissing me, and telling me she loved me right before I left. Even telling me she loved me as we were laying in bed in the morning.
So fast forward a few hours. She ends up breaking up with me for a few things, including what happened the night before, and my bad communication. She told me she loves me but she has been on the fence, and I didn't do enough to keep her. She also told me not to chase her or plead with her, and that she will not change her mind this time. That I have a lot of great qualities, but her mind was made up before, and she tried to stay.
The next day there wasn't really much more I could say than what I said when we talked, and in previous letters when we first broke up, considering it was only about a month earlier. So I ended up sending her a goodbye email and telling her to come back if she loves me and can accept my faults (which everyone has, and I've been trying to work on), among a lot of other stuff.
It's been about 5 days, and I haven't heard anything from her. I have a feeling she is already dating someone. When we first broke up, she went on an online dating site almost immediately, and she told me she gave her number to some guy during that period. When we got back together she told me she stopped contact but who knows. I asked her not to go on the site so fast this time when we broke up because it hurt a lot. And she's not on there, so I don't know what her reason is. Could be she's with someone, could be she's respecting my wishes. Although I have seen her on there on this fake weird profile she has, not sure what she's looking at, my thoughts can only assume it's another guy.
I love this girl a lot, and I want her in my life. Do you think I still have a chance? Does the fact that she told me that she won't change her mind this time really mean she's done? Thanks for any advice.
Yes, you do have a chance. A lot of people change their mind after a while. This is what this plan is about. To help them change their mind. All the best.
My ex broke up with me a few days ago..im so love sick i cant do nothing besides lay in bed and cry...the last conversation we had was him telling me to leave him alone and that all his feelins for me were gone and that he lost all respect for me...im so in love with him... I have to get him back..i honestly cant see myself without him...what should i do?
Follow the advise in the article. You will start feeling better with time. All the best.
Hi kevin. iv been searching for advice on different sites. talked to friends and family & i always find that the advice i take to heart are the ones from people that have gone through similar things, thats why your page and the comments have been therapeutic.
Ive been with my ex for 3 years. we started dating when i was just coming out of a 10 year relationship, I actually met her a couple of days before. she was the one that somehow help me end my other relationship. although that one had been dead for a long time. it wasn't long before my first ex girlfriend moved on to. we were just hooked on the fact that we had been together since our teens. The ex that just dumped me actually told me then that she didn't mind sharing me with the other one because all the wanted was to be with me.
i was a little bit in denial. i didn't really want a new girlfriend. it was the first time in my life that i was single. i wanted to date meet other girls and do stuff i always thought about doing but couldn't. But i also liked this girl so we were dating but never exclusive. she put up with a lot of stuff during this time, read several Facebook messages between me and other girls etc. when we finally moved in together i told her she was the only one witch she was. she had been very supportive and submissive and actually put up with everything i did. but i knew i loved her. the thing was that i dugg a whole so deep it was hard for me to get out off. i tried i prayed but i couldn't. and this perhaps had a lot to do that she put up with everything. according to her the last fight we had i flirted with a girl when i was drunk witch i actually dont remember doing but i do believe it to be true because she would never lie about it. she broke up with me after a bight fight after that. i moved out but not before begging. she told me she loved me but she couldn't be with me and that i shouldn't fight for her.
so i left her alone for two days. then she called me and wanted to link up. then i left her alone for a couple of days and she called me upp again. i always beg her to take me back and i told her that i know had truly changed. i stopped drinking not because of her but because i want to be a mans that can stand for what i have done. i not have excuses like "i dont remember". she called me when she was drunk but the next day she acted really cold. i waited yet another day and panicked. went over to her place. we talked she was very happy and told me that its strange because when i told her i was outside she was very happy and when we spend time together it feels like we are back together but as soon as i leave she is reminded that she should not be with me. she then told me not to fight for her again. somehow we started hanging out again and we have sleeping in the same bed for almost two weeks. i haven't mentioned anything and neither has she. i have been showing her i want her and i want uss to work. sometimes she says stuff like "it dont matter what anybody els says, if i want to be with you nobody has anything to say about it" and other stuff like that that make me thing we have a future, but then she kills me with another comment that literally kills all my hope. i told her I'm stalling moving back to my apartment from my mothers house ( i rented out my apartment), because then it will officially be over between uss. she replied " what? but you said we could be together but we didn't have to live together". like i said we are spending time together, but she is colder, she is avoiding sex, she is not the caring person she used to be. she sometimes reminds me that when she was the one begging and acting needy she didn't care about it because she loved me. as if she wants me to act like that. my friends says that i should be happy she wants to spend time with me and that begging and being there worked for her because look at me know. that i should just ride it out because its only been a little more then a month and she did this for two years. my sister says that it should take her this long to know what she wants. i dont know what to do because there is some progress in the beginning she didn't want nothing with me and know we are spending time. but i can't help but feel maybe its pity, maybe she is using me to get over me, maybe, she is punishing me. it feels like all we haves are a bunch of maybes and some quality time, but i find myself analyzing everything and she sometimes makes jokes about me analyzing everything. i don't know what i should do when I'm with her I'm strong , but as soon as I'm alone I'm week and i hate this feeling. I'm finally out of the whole that i was and know should be the time that she should give me that honest chance. i was in that hole because of insecurities as a kid and also of that 10 year relationship i was in. please answer me with some advice .
Peter, I guess you can continue being with her for a while but don't keep doing it for too long. You might end up just being friendzoned. If after a few months, she is still indecisive, tell her you need space and time and start no contact.
He dumped me a week ago and I cried and begged him to come back but he remained silent. I went silent on him today and he messaged me apologizing for his behaviour in general towards me and wishing me a good life. Do you think he's done with me and should I reply back?
Hey Kevin
Great website, lots of useful information, thanks :) Quick question, curently in 30 days no contact, but it is her birthday in 5 days. Do you think I should send a card or not? Nothing mushy or needy.... just wishing her a happy birthday.
A simple text is a better idea in my opinion. However, I don't see any harm in sending a card as long as it doesn't convey any neediness.
Hi Kevin,
My ex girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that the "spark" was gone and didn't feel very comfortable/happy with me anymore. It doesn't make much sense to me since she told me that no man has ever treated her as well as I have and that we are just completely different people that don't match well enough together. She did tell me about a week before the breakup that she was starting to feel unhappy and doubting the relationship. I had a long talk with her about it and convinced her that there was still hope and everything would be fine in the long run. She told me she loved me and thought everything would be okay. After that talk, everything seemed great until a week later when she dropped the breakup on me unexpectedly.
It's been a week since the breakup and I am currently in the no contact stage. I will admit that the night of the breakup, I was texting her, begging not to do this and that it would everything would work out. I apologized the next morning but she never replied to any of the messages. I stopped trying to contact her after the apology but I may have already messed up my chances of getting back with her after pleading and begging that night of the breakup. However, I was wondering, what would I have to do if she eventually does try to contact me? And what would I do if she starts to get upset at me for not replying to her calls/texts? Any advice would help. Thank you.
I'll recommend you don't answer her initially. If she continues contacting you, you can answer her and let her know that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll be happy to call her back when you are ready.
I was with my girlfriend for 3 years. She had recently been married to a guy because he needed a green card. We are a same sex couple. She said she was more attracted to girls but had never found the right one until me. We dated for a year. We did long distance for the next year and made it. I then moved to her after we had survived the distance. Ever since I moved her she has been distant and saying I'm controlling. Things have gotten bad the last couple of months. We would always say this is the last fight....she says I don't communicate with her and my frustration/anger is through the roof because I just want us fixed. We broke up and four days later I was sleeping in the guest room because we live together and I walked into our room and she was in bed with someone else. I found out she had cheated a month before with the same person. But claims she doesn't like her it just happened. Things are bad we are trying to figure out the lease. I am staying at a friends and I have broke all the above rules. She has told me it will never work she needs someone who will treat her right and make her better. Yet she has never loved anyone as much as me. She had left me before for two months while she figured out her situation. We love each other but I think I looked to change too late. I would do anything for her back. I'm going through all the symptoms you explained. Do you think there's a chance?
I have already told her the changes I was making and she would not give it a chance to see even with time apart before me moving out. She said she is done. I feel helpless! Three years down the drain! Please advise
Telling her you are making changes doesn't really do anything. In fact, it just makes you look needy because it seems you are making changes just to be with her. Like I said, follow the plan. You have a chance. If it doesn't work, then you can be sad about three years going down the drain. Till then, I believe you still have hope.
Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to do the 30 day thing but our lease is the issue. End of April I said I would be out of the house. But my name is tied to lease and she hasn't had luck with a roommate. I have made those stupid mistakes of contacting and going back to our home. Any suggestions to get out of the routine? She thinks I'm selfish right now. I know the plan but is two-three weeks ok because of our situation? I'm sorry I have so many questions. I really appreciate an outsiders point of view and loved the article
Hi
Been reading all this advice and to be honest just a little confused, can you offer some advice please??/
Ok me and my wife have been together for 16 yrs and married 8 yrs we got together from the ages of 17. So childhood sweethearts :)
Recently we split up, its been a month and that was because she said she is no longer in love with me, we got stuck in our relationship and it wasnt going anywhere, we became stale and she doesnt want that anymore. So i've moved in with my parents and have done for a month. The first 2 weeks we didn't really see each other and only talked about the kids. I then went over the house one day to get my things and we ended up chatting, laughing and fighting with chocolate spread. That night we went out for a quick bite too eat and we talked about us and she told me how she felt. I found out that she had been going out for food with a guy from work who is a friend and hes been over the house too.
We saw each other quite alot over the last 2 weeks,I took her shopping the day before her birthday as I was actually working on her birthday so I couldnt take her out then. I stupidly looked in her phone and saw messages from this guy from work, he said he has fallen for her and wants to be with her, and my wife has messaged back that she only wants to be friends and she needs time too see how she feels about me. I confronted my wife about this and I said i dont think its fair that you are spending time with me too see how you feel about me but also spending time with this guy as well. So we left it at that.
Got home put the kids too bed and we ended up talking and ended up having sex, then i left. Anyway next day, her birthday i saw her in the morning, before i went to work, and gave her cards and presents etc. We went out for breakfast together and she told me thats she is supposed to be going out with that guy from work tonight, but i dont know if i want too i dont think its fair to be spending time with you both. Ok so i went to work asked if i could have the night off to take my wife out, so great i have the night off. I text her ' if i said to you now that ill take you out for your birthday what would you say???
I had a text back saying yes. So we went out had a great time, it was really nice just talking and laughing. She tld me that she ended up having an argument with this guy from work and he was saying that she lead him on and fucked him over, and she said that i couldnt talk to him because of the way he was, just be friends and thats it.
So that night I took her home i came in for a coffee and i stayed the night.
The next morning she said to me even though you stayed over we are not together I need time. OK i said.
So that was last week, i have seen her on monday nad wednesday as i have the kids untill she finishes work. Didint see her on thursday and friday, just a few msgs back anf forth. Took her and the kids out on saturday, for mothers day as i was working. She was really giigly with me and we laughed and joked and i caught her looking at me a certain way, a good way. When we were having food i asked do you want to do something on Wednesday, she said no i dont think we should be spending so much time together, we need space. So went back to the house had a coffee and I told her im confused, that you say you love me and are obviously attracted too me then what stopping us getting back? She said I do love you and yes I am very attracted too you but I just dont know how i actually feel about you. I ended up being a blubbering mess telling her I love her, want her back, it can work. She was crying too and she hugged me and said please dont cry. I told her that i feel as if you want to be with this guy from work as he texts and calls you all the time and she told me she likes him, does not fancy him. She said that he was there to listen to her when the relationship went bad and they have become friends nothing more. So i left even more confused.
I was working all day Sunday so didn't see her, I will see her tonight as i have the kids. Spoke to my son this morning and he told me that they went too see that Sam guy where he lives, and they went out for food. I dont know what to think about that. I understand that he is a friend or does she want more... so confused!!! Its only been a month surely these past 16 years must mean something?, must they? I was going to talk to her and and mention that I think she's right that we do need to have some space, and speak to each other about the kids nothing more. And I will try and not see her.
It's my sons 6th birthday in 3 weeks, so when i see her, what do I do? Obviously be amicable and friendly and be me. Do i ask her then to have a catch up? Or do i wait till the 30 days and send her that letter? Which will be a week later.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Oh by the way I know I don't need her in my life I want her in my life, I have thought about all this and I have been working out too, I've lost a stone :)
Thanks Will
Hey Will,
Since she is very warm and very receptive of you, I'll recommend you keep no contact short. Around one or two weeks. Then continue seeing her just don't push her into seeing you too much. And don't act needy at all. Just keep on dating her, going out with her and having a fun time. I think you have a pretty good chance. All the best.
Great thanks, so do you think it'll be wise to give a letter after 2 weeks and go from there?? Or shall I call or msg her see if she wants to meet up??
It's your decision. If you go with the letter, make sure the letter doesn't make it sound like you are moving on. Keep the main message of the letter that you think the breakup was for the best as it gave you time to reflect upon yourself and make changes that you really needed.
Hi,
I was just wondering which text you think would be better for first contacting an ex: the one where you let them know something reminded you of them, like the book example you had, or where you sneak in a memory of the two of you by asking a question, like the example of a Hawaii vacation you had? I'm just worried that if I send one saying something reminded me of them, my ex might take it as I still love and want them and haven't moved on. Do they tend to work equally well?
Yes, they do. I recommend the "something reminded me of you" text. It conveys that you haven't thought about them for a while.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me, we were in a long distance relationship for 2,5 years. We were in it from the start as we met on a Holiday in Greece (we both live in different countries). I have did everything wrong as 2 weeks ago i annoyed her too much with being to controlling and being too insecure. She said she wanted a break and i came into the 'panic mode' and i started to beg, plead and giving her an ultimatum. Now last Wednesday i asked her what is the deal now, i can't be friends and just act like everything is okay. She said, maybe it's really better if we break up. And she said, sorry but i don't want to be together anymore. She became too tired of us, and lost her feelings for me. We could be friends because we have a lot of things in common, but our love was over. She said that she wanted to find herself. After that i said the i can't be friends because it hurts too much. I said what is thought about her (good things) and I said my goodbyes. What can i do now? We had no contact since then. But i am afraid she will forget easily about me since we live so far apart.
Hope to get some advice from you.
Greetings,
Marc
Keep no contact for 30 days then send her the letter mentioned in the article.
Hi I reeeeeally need your advice. My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago. We were in a 4 year long distance relationship hence the main reason that he broke up was the distance also some mistakes I made which I accept that it was my fault. Anyways when we broke up I begged him to take me back and I did almost everything I could to get back together but nothing really worked at that time. He just ignored me and constantly told me to move on with my life and there's definitely no hope for the relationship to workout. So I finally accepted the fact that we've broken up and I stopped contacting him and kept my distance. I had zero contact with him for two weeks though he sent me texts few times I just didn't reply to any of them. Well it was abit easy because he lives in Australia and I live in Maldives. After the break up I went to Mysore to clear my head abit and after I came back he started calling me. Everything he said when he broke up sunddenly changed and started telling me how he really feels. He said that he doesn't wanna move on but at the same time he doesn't want a serious committed long distance relationship, also he said that he's never gonna feel the same connection we have with anyone else and he miss me alot and alot of other stuff but I told him that I wanna move on because I have deep strong feelings for him and the only way I could move on is without having any contact with him.! But he kept on calling trying to convince me to be friends with him but also he said friends a really vague word and we are not friends we have a special connection which I totally agree with him. Most importantly he said he still wants me and wanna get back with me but he doesn't want a serious long distance relationship more than he wanna get back with me. Though he said if we talk maybe in the future we could get back together. So since then I've been talking but it's so hard for me coz I love him like crazy. I'm just trying to hide my feelings and trying to maintain a friendly relationship with him hoping to get back to together in the future. It's not a guaranteed one though and that's killing me inside. I really have no clue about what I should do coz he's been giving me mixed signals. It's so confusing. We've been talking more than friends talk to eachother. And two days ago I told him honestly that I started this friendship thing coz I wanna make our relationship work and I asked him to stop calling me and texting me if he doesn't feel the same way but in his reply he said I'm the closest to him and he can share everything with me and we have a unique connection and he thinks about getting back together since we broke up up until today. An he's still talking to me. I'm so confused. Please advice
Tale,
He is going to drag you along for as long as he can if you let him. He gets his emotional support from you and he still has the freedom to mes around with other girls since he is not in a relationship. He wants this. He wants to keep you as a backup. Here's what you should do.
Give yourself a time limit for how long you want to continue doing this. Let's say two months or maybe four. You decide how long can you keep doing this. If he doesn't talk about getting back together till the end of that time limit, you tell him to make a decision. Either he gets back together with you, or you cut him off completely and move on. If he still doesn't agree, then you should cut him off and move on.
Hey I read your article and I am simply confused . My boyfriend didn't break up with me. I ended up breaking up with him because he stopped considering me as a priority . We would go to the gym together and it seemed like that's the only time he'd wanna see me . An he would save the weekends to hang out with the "boys". I don't think he was doing anything behind my back , but I just wanted him to put some effort rather than fit me in his gym schedule . When I told him he wasn't having it he said either be positive or leave . I assumed he had a long day so I stopped responding till he blew up on me and brought up irrelevant situations to bring me down . So I just ended up saying it was low of him and I ended it. We were together for 8 months and this isn't how I pictured us ending . We were good till he stopped putting and effort . Even though I know he loves me , or I am just making excuses for him. I don't know what to do or how I feel but it's been couple days and he hasn't even tried apologizing . This is our second break, I need some outside view . I am so lost on what went wrong but I haven't tried contacting him neither.
The 5 step plan still applies to your situation. Give him to miss you and realize his mistakes.
Hey so I've been with my ex for only about 6 months. we broke up I'm December, almost about 4 months ago. we fought a lot about the most stupidest things like Instagram and FB, he seem very insecure when I would post something and other guys would like it and I never was that why towards him. But with this continuing I started to fight back with him.
When he liked photos. But he would first say I was an awful gf when I was mostly liking photos of people who I graduated HS with, but I would see him constantly liking photos. So of corse I did it back. I'm the type of person who doesn't take any bullshit. But anyways we mostly fought about dumb things like that. after 2 months we kinda stared talking again like just going out for a drink and he told me he hooked up with someone else . I wasn't mad at all because we weren't together so I had no reason to be. So he asked me of I've done anything or hooked up with anyone and I was honest and I said no because I didn't . He didn't believe me so I just felt like nothing is possible with this guy. And honestly I love him so much. I've never felt so in love with someone that's why I know he's someone special. That's why I wanted to get back with him. He told me straight out he wouldn't be able to get back with me because of our past and things we said to each other. And I just told him I completely understand you need to just do what's best for yourself and that was it .. Then from there I knew I didn't have another chance and he wasn't willing to make things work so I told myself as much as I don't wanna move on I have to. so i stated to just realize maybe it's for the best. But what is weird is that we will text me and call me when I post pictures with my friends enjoying myself. That's the only time I would really hear from him, he called me one night 78 times I didn't answer until I started getting annoyed so I answered and he was asking me where I was and what am I doing and I'm coming over there . At this point trying to clam him down and telling him listen I'm out with friends I'm not with you idk why you are calling me. It seems like he still try's to control me when I haven't even been with him for 4 months.. But he doesn't wanna get back together so idk why he keeps playing these games but it stated messing with my head. Then he would apologize and I would just be like well it's alright but I don't understand why your doing this to the both of us . Let it be ect. But he always still does it. Now he makes me feel like a terrible person saying I'm a lair when I don't even know that the hell I did. Telling me that's why I can't make you my girlfriend again but I don't understand what I'm doing and he makes me feel like I am a terrible person and I know I'm not and when he thinks of me that way that kills me and I don't know why he's being so complicated. like almost trying to bring me down and feel guilty about myself when he's doing his own thing too with his friends. And I've been so depressed because he's making up all these stories in his head about me and I've done nothing. So I just don't get it and as much as I try to ignore him. He calls and texts way to much when he feels like it and how do you ignore that? It's so hard .. like what is it that he is trying to do ? I was willing to get back and start fresh when the time was right but clearly I don't think he will change so I just try to keep my distance and hope one day he comes around . I really don't know what to say but he makes me feel like such a piece of shit when he should feel like the asshole. Excuse me for my language but I just don't understand why he's doing that. Why is he doing this? If you can please respond back I would really appreciate it. Thanks
He doesn't want to lose you. He is confused. He is afraid that you will find someone else and he will lose you forever. And he is not able to convince himself to get back together. A good way to get past this is to let him know you need space and time and it doesn't mean you are moving on. You just need a months time to think things through and you will contact him after that. Then follow the rest of the plan.
Yeah, accaulty he's rediculous. forget everything .. He makes me what to hang myself. Too complicated. I've been nothing but nice to that boy, he isn't a man, and I get treated like garbage. I think I'm done for good I deserve better And people don't change unless they what to and if he really wanted to be with me he would have made a change by now. it is what it is but I can't make myself feel hopeless anymore and have him bring me down because he's bitter. Honestly I know he will want to be with me again. Maybe not right now but like you said he will realize one day but it will be to late .. Just glad I didn't waste too much time. still very hurt but now I need to worry about myself. Thanks so much Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I have some questions after reading the plan and I want your advices.
While I and her are classmates and we are in the same project team, how exactly can I do to do the no contact period?
And also, the reason she broke up with me were because my emotional problem and she had so much work and she gave up a lot for this relationship that she has so many ambitions . My emotional problem was the major reason and I am improving for that lately. I have begged her for sometimes and until she told me its too stressful, then I started to give her own space totally like your plan said. But how can I also work on projects with her while no talking to her?
Other than that, she really is a busy girl. She needs to do tutoring for kids and working as a couch. She told me that she will not have time for any relationship and because I hurt her so much by starting fights between us, she does not want any relationship in a short time.
May you kindly give me some advices? Thank you Kevin!
Treat her like an acquaintance. Unless you can find a way to change your project team, you will have to apply limited contact while working with her. Just don't be overtly friendly with her and keep conversations with her short.
All right. Then what about she said she wants more time for her own works and interests? Like travel alone and stuff (I asked before that if we be friends may we travel together and she said no).
Give her the time she needs. Apply no contact other than just project work.
I just dont know how to tell her that me and her interest can both exist.
Hi Kevin -
I am a sophomore in highschool, and my boyfriend is currently a senior. So, I had been with my boyfriend for about 15 months prior to when I broke it off with him last November. last spring, he cheated on me emotionally by starting things with another girl and since then we had some trust issues (naturally) and my reality had pretty much been shattered, as I had no idea that it had been going on. Last summer, I moved away and then came back because I wanted to be with him and return to school.
We go to school together, so this was supposed to work out, as we had continued our relationship without much difficulty for the month that I was gone. However, when I came back, we celebrated our one year anniversary, but things begin to fall apart, as I was dealing with some emotional issues and family problems and he was enduring a lot of pressure and stress making decisions about college, etc. We have always been incredibly close, and have put each other first in most situations. Our families and friends all comment on how supportive we are to each other.
He proposed, with a very nice ring, and we were pretty sure we were going to stay together. I understand how this seems way to serious for our age, but we had very vibrant lives outside of each other as well, we just happened to be very very in love at the same time. However, because of the falling apart occuring, I became distraught, as did he, and we pretty much began to tear the relationship apart. He stopped spending time with me, which was incredibly unlike him, as all he ever wanted to do before was be with me. I broke it off, saying we could take a break, but the break became a breakup. He began to see other people, including the girl he cheated on me with, but always kept it casual.
Up to now, he still hasn't had another relationship. I attempted to date someone, but it didn't work out as the other person was a commitment-phobe, but we are now best friends. On the other hand, my ex has had casual relations with a lot of people yet is still coming back to me. We both have expressed that we still have feelings for each other, and we have kissed a few times recently. We haven't gone a day since breaking up without arguing or talking or discussing something about our past relationship. So, in saying that, I don't believe he is over me. I'm not over him either, I still love him and he says he still loves and wants me. Recently, we discussed getting back together after he showed up at a party to see me.
After considering it, I decided I wanted to, but I waited to say anything about it for a week or so. When the time came, I called him to tell him I wanted to get back together. He went back and forth for a few days, and we were arguing a bit about things that would come up, and eventually he concluded that he wanted to be friends and see where it went. I said I don't want to do that because I felt like it's not fair to me. When he heard I had a date with someone the next day, he went crazy and wouldn't speak to me, but when I asked if it was because he wanted me he said that he couldn't be with me because he was going away to college soon and that our relationship was troubled anyways.
Basically, where we are now is that he wants to be with me and I want to be with him, but because of how we still interact now (fighting and arguing and spiting each other out of hurt from the break up) it's not able to move forward. I am confident that if I had the courage to up my game and really try to get him back by making him miss me, that we could be together. It seems the main problem is our current relationship, which is upsetting and border-line toxic, simply because we fight over the past which keeps us from moving forward. As soon as I lighten up he wants to be around me and is sweet to me.
What do you think? Is there hope for me to fix this and start over with him? If so, where do I start?
Yes, you do have hope. Start with no contact. Let him know you both need space and time as your current relationship is not going to do you any good. Five it at least two weeks. Work on your issues. Try to figure out why you keep fighting constantly. Work on your communication skills during that time. Learn to be happy without him. And learn to leave the past behind. Then get back in touch with him and don't fight with him about anything. Just be friends and have a fun time. And when you've been like this for a while, ask him again to get back together.
I think the most important thing about this article is LEARNING TO BE HAPPY WITOUT YOUR EX. Say you follow all of these steps, have built confidence, your ego is shining gold, and you feel more attractive than ever, even if your ex DOESNT want you back, you are going to be a happy person. A happy confident beautiful person and you will have learned by that time that you can be happy WITHOUT them. As for my question, I have an hour long class with my ex. Its just the two of us, how do I go about dealing with that?
That's tricky. The best thing you can do is just treat your ex like an acquaintance during that time. Try your best not to get overtly friendly with him/her. And if possible at all, change the schedule.
Hi Kevin
I think you are amazing for doing this. One word = Legend!
I am unsure if my post went through. Not sure if I get response via email or other.
Anyways, Im sure you are busy so I look forward to hearing back from you.
Tomass C
Thanks for your comment Tomass. I try. :)
I answered your comment here.
Hi Kevin,
I've been in a long distance relationship for a little bit over 2,5 years. We had our problems during our relationship and many times i acted insecure and pushed myself. She said that she was not sure about us anymore 2 weeks ago and i did all the wrong things (begging, pleading, sending alot ofmsgs a day). Now last Wednesday she broke up with me after i kept being annoying. She said she lost her feelings for and got tired of us being a couple, that we can be friends but our love is over.
What should i do?
Hi,
I am in need of some help on my breakup. My fiancé broke off our engagement 3wks ago-we have been talking/arguing off and on ever since. 6yrs we have been together engaged for 3. About 2yrs ago we were expecting a baby and everything was great. Then we had a miscarriage and it was very hard on us both. I sank into a deep depression and I was angry and insecure.Our relationship argument were mostly about my job at a bar and once I got a real job I was very stressed with the new hours,people, and on the job learning. My ex finally got tired of everything and one day just told me he was done and that he cannot fix us. Then he left the next day and went out of town, we lived together for the next 3 wks and I finally moved out 2 days ago. I have cried and done just about everything to communicate to repair and not destroy us. I keep trying to save our relationship and all he says in return that we have no future and he is done and there is nothing I can do. He finally told me to give him the ring back. While I can see in his eyes he is not trying to cry, he randomly gives me long hugs, or holds me intensely then avoids looking at me. I had to leave my home,dog,and move most of my belongings into a stooge unit. I still have more things in the house that I will eventually have to go get. I don't understand because the days before the breakup we were intimate. Everything was normal, breakfast,dinner,kisses,hugs,snuggle time, watching movies. No signs of him getting distant or was upset at anything. Also, all my friends and family that i have told are shocked they all get and say WHAT???. He has even called my best friend to calm me down from crying and is cold acting like this is nothing to him or as this is a relationship that was a few months long instead of a 6yr. No cheating on either of our part just that he said he was not happy. Yet nobody knew he was or showed anyone he was all he told his guy friends is that we have had arguments off and on. I am really sad and have lost everything in my life. I almost quit my job and left town. I don't know what to do. I starred to do the 30 days and I'm only on my 2nd. I think I will mail the ring and make plans to move out of state. For some reason I think he will want me back in his life and It is hard to live day to day.
I also think he will want you back eventually. It's worth giving a shot at least. All the best.
Hello Kevin,
It's coming close to a month from when me and my ex broke up. I was still contacting him trying to get him to call me and talk to me for almost 2 weeks after the breakup. He was saying things as though he moved on but I believe this is only a front because we were together for a year and he loved me deeply, always told me how emotionally attached he was to me. He broke up with me because he felt I showed that I needed him to much. He said "You would have been more perfect for me if you didn't need me so much". He also told my friend that he fell in love with me at first because I wanted him but never needed him. We had a conversation about being friends and wanted to eventually talk about the good times we had together. I was not needy during this phone call and told him that's what I wanted also was to keep our friendship. After that call I initiated No Contact and in less than a week he started liking my old pictures (1 1/2 week old pictures) on my instagram after I posted a lot of pictures of me going out with my friends and he also posted 80 pictures of a moment we shared together on facebook (we werent friends on facebook at the time so he wouldn't know I could see the pictures.) I still didn't contact him after this but contacted him 9 days into No contact because on of his friends tried to start talking to me. I contacted him telling him about his friend messaging me on facebook and all he said was "oh ok". I didn't respond and the next day he texted me again asking what exactly did the somewhat-friend (they don't hang out very much) because he was going to confront him. I told him the friend didnt get very far because I told him I didn't want to talk to him because he was my exes friend. He texted back saying that he really appreciate I did that. I keep it short and just said no problem. I now have initiated no contact again and he friend requested me on facebook and again liked my profile picture. And the other day his brother wrote on my wall just asking me how it was going. And I made sure I was happy and upbeat. This is all so confusing. What to do?
You are already doing what you should do. When he realizes you are not needy, he will want you back. All the best.
You think that he will contact me when he realizes this? I believe the signs I am getting so far are positive and shows that he starting to realize somewhat. Its only been 4 days since we last had that brief conversation about the friend.
There is a good chance he will contact you. Even if he doesn't, you should contact him after no contact is over.
Well lastnight he added me on this app called snapchat. This app is an app where you picture message people you request with a small worded message. I deleted him from this app right after we broke up we used it almost everyday when we were together. I added him back on and then saw that some girl is one of the people he messages the most (it shows the top 3 people you message the most) and of course this made me upset but I didn't act on it. Is he trying to be friendly, get my attention, or trying to find out who I am talking to and what I am doing, or is this his way of getting closer to me?? Also on this app you can post what you are doing throughout the day and random people look at it. Also another one of friends like a picture I posted a while ago right after he requested me. I feel like everyday there is something.
I don't think you should've accepted his request. You are just fueling your obsession by looking at his snapchat.
After one month and a half after de breakup she told me that the reason was that i cheated her when i was travelling abroad.
I couldn't be more regret right now, i still talk to her and after giving her a letter saying sorry and moments together she said she has forgotten me and to be friends (because i think with this time since the breakup and with the lost of trust on me she has lost almost all her feelings)
Any solution to try without being needy?
Similar situation sky:( only diff is we got back together (because i insisted) but she is treating more than a doormat. Took my rights of feeling something that is normal in a relationship (jealousy,etc). She is taking me forgranted :(
Start the plan again. Don't tell her this time you want to get back together. Approach her as a friend.
Hey Kevin,
So me and my gf have been dating for almost three years. We have had our ups and downs like any couple but we have been planning on getting married and having kids and what not. We are both in nursing school and she gets really stressed out and as a result has a short fuse with me sometimes. It was getting really bad and I thought that I didn't want that the rest of my life. I went to Florida on vacation and while there she got mad at me because I wasn't talking to her that much (this was the day after i got there) even though I told her that I wouldn't because I was with my older brother. So I got fed up and said that I was done. She cried and I cried but stood my ground.
She emailed me the next day with a long letter promising to change and telling me that she knew I am the man she is going to marry and she will do anything to keep me. I told her I would give her a chance but that we should still not talk for the week just to calm down. I got offered a job in Florida and was contemplating taking it. She got mad at me like two days after the letter and told didn't talk to me for a whole day because she didn't like the way I answered a question. I told her the next day that i didn't think she would really change and that I was taking the Florida job and moving. She of course balled her eyes out and asked me if she could pick me up from the airport and talk face to face. I said yes and we did have a serious conversation about everything. I told her that I would stay for her.
The next morning she got mad at me for saying something about sharing an apartment with one of my friends (I live alone now) and i just ignored it. When she got home she called me and said she was sorry about getting mad but I was sick of it. I told her that I was gonna go ahead and move. She cried and begged me to stay saying she loved me so much and I was the only man she could love. She asked me if I even wanted her and I was thinking yes of course I do because I love her but I was irritated so I said no. She hung up and we didn't talk. changing our status on FB and telling friends and family and stuff.
Immediately I knew that I made a huge mistake. I was making an emotional irrational decision to move away from her. This is the girl I want to spend my life with and I had just got fed up and lost patience. I never really gave her the chance she asked for. The day after we broke up I begged her to take me back. I told her that I wasn't thinking right and that I love her and need and want her so badly. She wouldn't text me or call me back and wouldn't see me. She later told me she couldn't take me back because she couldn't trust me to not just break it off again because I had told her I would give her a chance. She said that it wouldn't work and I need to move on. I am devastated. This is day six since the break up and I still need her and want her. I know she is the one and I messed up. She won't talk to me and blocked me on FB. What should I do? Can I get her back?
Hey Kevin,
I've been in a relationship with my ex for almost 3 months, he always had issues in giving time to his girl, i avoided being clingy but after a month i complained just once as he used to disappear for 2 or 3 days and then he used to text me as i never used to text him myself during his disappearance . It's been 4-5 days since we broke up, he failed in his exam that day and the reason he gave me for break up was that he needed a break fom everyone and that he was having fights at home and studies weren't going well either, he said that he won't be able to give me any time in future at all because of what's happening in his life and that he didn't wanted to hurt me. i just wished him luck and told him that everything's going to be okay. That's the last time we talked and now i miss him and wish if he could come back again.
You can. Follow the advice in the article.
Hi my age is 21 and my ex's age is 23 and we have been in a relationship for 2 years. At the start he was very much addicated to me, missed me like hell and always wanted to be around me. He started being very possessive about me and i used to not like it. Later he started feeling insecure and started creating negative images about me. He thinks that i am not loyal, faithfull and trustworthy just because i lied to him sometime because i was very scared to loosing him. He thinks that i always lie to him. I tried everything to convince him. He thinks that i am very easy going girl and get manipulated very easily. He takes my frank and friendly nature as easy going. He thinks that whatever he thinks is the only right thing and others are wrong. He never agrees his mistake neither does he try to understand any reason or why things are like that. He judges me and calls me a lier. Everybody does mistakes in life nobody is perfect. Now i have tired everything but he doesn't want to get back in the relationship with me again. I love him lot and i just can't stay without him. It is becoming very difficult for me to pretend as if i dont care. I do text him normally and i have to wair for hours to get his reply. How much ever i try being good he still has problem with my behaviour. He never speaks up and share anything with me but expects me to do everything and he always keep thinking about my mistakes and taunts and hurt me. If something jappens he just keeps on thinking about it and it is always stuck in his mind. I am not understandimng what to do now. As we common friends they tell me that dont get serious with him untill he gets serious with you. He has changed his behaviour all of a sudden from sweet loving, care guy to a very rude and heartless person. Please help me out with this to get him back in my life and make him fall in love with me madly and makes him need me badly
Shweta,
Half of your message is about how much insensitive, rude, self-righteous, arrogant (and maybe even borderline abusive) he is. And yet, you say you still love him.
Alright, if you do really love him, I'll recommend you stay no contact with him for 2 months. If after that, you still think he is worth it, then follow the rest of the plan and contact him.
Hi Kevin
A few days before Christmas and just before 2 year anniversary, I told her I was a bit unhappy about some things to get a conversation going (she smokes a certain substance I dont like and her friends are absolute nightmares). We talked and then I went to stay at my parents.
Short story was she rarely spoke to me in our relationship. We could go to a party where she would talk all night and then get in a car, nada. One word answers to open ended questions and all that. After a while I thought she wasnt talking to me because she was hiding stuff from me (smoking certain substances and other stuff).
Anyways, we got together again 4 weeks later for one night.
My furniture is basically 80% of what she has but she owns the place. I asked her if it was really over to let me come back and get it out and then I dont want to see her any more. She didnt take the offer - for whatever reason?
I have been acting needy once or twice a week unfortunately, but 3 weeks ago now I told her I accepted her decision because I didnt want to cause any more pain for her. I then said we need some time apart so we can heal. She said - "OK, Im sorry".
About 4 weeks ago ignored her calls / texts / emails for a few days until she said "please just text me and tell me youre ok. Im worried that something has happened to you." I regret but I did reply because I didnt want to be mean to her. *such a silly thing to do, I know......
I have not contacted her for 3 weeks now although I think about her all day every day. Finding it hard, but doing my best to get through NC period! Thinking I might push it a little longer to get myself back on track.
Now I realise that she is just a quiet person and not hiding anything from me and I dont care about her mates - Im only dating her, right.
FYI - She has not contacted me at all during this time.
Advice for best way forward now?
I have drafted a letter for after NC period... would you send this one?
==========
Hi XXXXX
Thanks for having the courage to pull the pin when you did. I struggled to accept it for a while but wanted you to be happy. I probably would have kept trying to remind you how good we had it and convince you forever :)
It sucks but you did the right thing and I accept that. Our relationship was great at the beginning but somehow lost track near the end.
So, Im sorry for the way I have acted over the past few months. I did everything the wrong way because I was stuck between a place of grieving and hope.
It has caused me challenge myself and to find my old self again. So many changes have been happening. I lost me somewhere a while ago but have re-learned that my happiness comes from within.
Its been a long time since I felt like this, so in a weird way it has been worth it. Im really happy within myself now. So I guess I should thank you.
Some big stuff has been happening at home and I have some cool things coming up in the next month or so. Happy to share it some time, but maybe not right now. I think we still need a little time and space.
Anyways, wanted to keep this brief.
Tomass
The letter sounds good. Go ahead with it. How can you be sure that she was not using any substance or wasn't hiding anything from you? Is it possible that just because you miss her, you convinced yourself that you were wrong, or do you have any hard evidence that you were? Think things through before getting back together. It seems to me that you were very clear about what you wanted in the relationship and she didn't want to put in any effort. But you know your relationship better than anyone. All I am saying, don't let the fact that you miss her, affect your judgement.
Thanks Kevin
I will take your advice and some time to think about it.
I guess my problem is I saw just beneath the surface someone who wanted to trust me and walk with me, however some fear was holding her back. Fear of losing her friends? Fear of having to be honest with herself and her family?
I know that everything I ever wanted in a woman was there, just below the surface. I just wanted her to make the choice to bring it up..
I genuinely believe that if she just chose to grow up a little bit, her life would improve tenfold, but some fear is holding her back.
I understand it is her choice, and I need to let her make it, on her own. I guess I am convincing myself to stick around for that day, maybe to my own detriment...
Thanks again
Tomass
Hey. We were together for 15 months and the final break up was our third time. Now, she’s 23 and I’m 33. Problem one. She wants to travel and get more experience in her career, I get that she needs too. During the relationship I got jealous of an ex she was still friends with basically because she told me when they broke up, she cried for two years over him. Now in truth I’m not 100% happy with myself and carried a lot of insecurities into the relationship. Which kills me. We’ve been broken up 7 weeks now and since then I didn’t contact her for the first two weeks until I saw her out in a nightclub. She pretty much ignored me and I broke down into her friends shoulder. Now since then once every week or two weeks I do things to get her attention, tagging old pics on Facebook, text her after I see her etc. saw her tonight and we did talk but she didn’t ask anything about me. Before she left to go home,I grabbed her tight into me and she rested her head on my chest and I kissed her forehead. We both a little merry and almost kissed. While holding her I stayed I missed her and said we still can be one day but she said we just weren’t meant to be. I saw her again while getting some chips and she kissed me on the check before going home. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Now I know the issues in the relationship were me not allowing her her freedom on occasion and I'm setting up my own business and don't have a lot of spare cash for dinners and treats bum it always managed birthdays, Christmas etc. She comes from a wealthy family and her parents would take us out for dinner a lot and I'm not in the position to pay for expensive dinners. She said she thought I was after her for her money. Which really really was the case. Yes I want her to be happy more than anything else and I want to be happy too. Please someone help me!
Hey Kevin,
So my boyfriend (ex now). Just broke up with me because I lied over some stupid things about my car and money. Now he was in a bad marriage where he's wife lied and cheated on him. And I know trust was a big thing for him. And he said, he can't get over that I lied. I feel stupid but the lies I told was either because I was ashamed or embarrassed. I was good to him, I never cheated or anything like that to him. What do I do? If there is anything I can do. I feel stupid because after reading your blog, I've been txting and calling now I can see him probably laughing on the otherside. Thank you hope to hear from you soon Kevin
Hi, I'm Hannah! I was dating this guy Eddie for about a month and everything was like a fairy tale until about a week ago. (we're both 19)
I'm now in Hawaii as of Sunday for an 8 week internship and a couple days before I left, he seemed to have some flip switch where he just lost interest!):
We talked all day every day, and were best friends up until like 5 days ago. A couple days prior to leaving, he talked to me probably half the time he used to and "forgot" to respond. He never used to forget, ever. Then I just let it roll for a few days, until I finally asked why I got weird vibes and he said I rushed things too fast and it pushed him away. He followed that comment with saying that he hopes I have fun in Hawaii and that "I have no restrictions" (which bummed me out that he doesn't care) but after that, added, "I'm too awesome to just give up," so when I come home he "wants to start to hang out again and see how things go. Don't worry we'll figure it out! I still expect to hear about how Hawaii is going:)!"
But since then, he hasn't been texting me, or even letting me know he remembers I exist and it has almost been a week which is so different from our every day conversations. I'm SO confused. He said he wanted to keep in contact, then he ignores texts and such?
So my question is, should I take this as a time to spent time alone and cut it off for awhile? I'm extremely hurt and I can tell he really isn't, but I really want him back because he was my best friend.
Should I start the no contact? Or do we not have a chance anymore? Help ):
I can't make out if you've officially broken up or not. If you haven't, apply limited contact. Only answer him if he calls. There is a chance for you guys. But I think both of you are young and what you experienced as fairy tale was just the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Things might not be as easy from this point forward.
so i was dating this guy and the first time we broke up he lked somebody else that is why we broke up again .the girl he likes has a boyfriend so they can't date. i don't know what to do i still like him and i am not happy with out him if u could give me any advice that would be great thank you.
Follow the advise in the article Nicole.
Hi bro I really appreciate that's you are healing us thanks from the bottom of my heart.. Last year November my girlfriend broke up with me because of my bad behavior with her I apologise to her tried to convince her but she even don't want to talk to me so I simply give her space and since few months we are in no contact and I am following your steps to get her back I text her yesterday. But she didn't reply for that now how to ask her for coffee or else what should I do to get her back or is these any chance to get her back? Please help me bro
Everything you asked is answered in the article Sam. Thanks for your comment. I am glad the website is helping you.
Hi there.
Ive been in an off an on relationship with a man for years. Recently it was a year in a half of dating, where I told him he needed to a least "put a ring on it" by xmas. He didnt. So as of 1/1/2014 I cut off all communication. I blacklist him from my phone.3/14/2014 he contacted me in a racey txt. I was n a
weaker moment and took the bate. We exchanged emotional feel ings and thoughts followed by sex. A later recovered moths of txts and phone calls from my blacklist app. He had been reaching out to me the whole time telling me he wad ready to commit, begging to see me. I was excited, I just knew wr were back. Only to hear him say" he was confused about us" he was dating someone who he called a place holder and had no chemisty with. But she didn't do anything wrong and wanted to give her a chance. But didnt think they would work, he needed to see.
You have no other choice but to let him play out his new relationship. It's most probably a rebound and it will end.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of 3 months and I broke up a day ago because he felt as though we were becoming platonic and his feelings for me had begun to change. We haven't seen each other in a setting in which we can act like a couple in almost five weeks (due to illnesses and schoolwork), and I think that may have contributed to the problem. We've had most of our first sexual experiences with each other and we both believed we had something special that most people don't ever find. He said he still wants to be close friends because he loves to see me and spend time with me, but what I want to know is, is there any way we can make our relationship become what it used to be?
Hi...i trust in your system however..i know you cannot guarantee that things will work out.. i wrote a comment on my issue before but got no reply..I am trying the NC phase however my ex contacted me to return some stuff....I would like to know if i should reply him..i dont want ne of my stuff back from him.. and secondly he hasnt spoken to me since the break up or even tried to contact me ...he has jus stopped talking to me..the only contact was to ask where to drop off my stuff..I would like to know what does him wanting to return my possessions mean? Does it mean that he doesnt want ne thing to do with me?..Am i chasing something hopeless?..please be completely honest about what his actions mean..your opinion would be greatly appreciated..thanks
Hey D,
I replied to your comments earlier over here and here.
OK, him returning your stuff can mean a lot of things. Perhaps, he is just trying to cut all ties with you and trying to move on. Or maybe your stuff is reminding him of you and he doesn't want to be reminded of you.
To be completely honest, if you really think the relationship with him is worth saving, then it will be worth it to try the plan once. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then at least you'll know that it's over with him and you can move on.
Thank you soo much for your response and your advice..I already invested a lot into the 3 and half year relationship and it backfired on me... and i just dont wanna invest into trying to get him back and he just doesnt care.. I mean if i am going to try i have to invest financially in the system and the NC period is a very hard phase to get thru.. and i dont wanna go thru all of that and have that backfire on me too..If you understand where I am coming from..Your advice has helped and made me see things a little differently
Hey,
I know how it is. On one hand, it's hard to let go of the three and a half year relationship and on the other hand, it's scary to invest more time and energy into trying to save it. Unfortunately, there's always a chance it will not work. Like I said there's no guarantee. If you can leave everything behind and move on, then you should do it. If it's meant to be, he will contact you and try to get back together. Otherwise, you are better off without him.
Thanks again... I will try at least once to work it out with him and follow your steps and trust in your system....If i dont try even if a little bit into saving it..i know i will regret it...But i also know that i cannot force some1 to be with you..if i try and it fails then i will know i did all that i can..on another note..i must say thank you for ALL your responses.. they have help give me some clarity and this site kinda acted as a sort of support group..by chance do you have a private email where we can email u for the purpose of privacy?
Thanks D. You can contact me using the contact form on this website but my email box is flooded and I am extremely busy to reply to all the emails. So it might take me a while to get back to you.
Hi Kevin,
Sent the letter so praying it means something to her. Felt really down since though and crying a lot because I really miss her so much. Even after all this time I'm still devastated without her. It doesn't help that we work about 100 yards from each other so I pass her office every day, see her car every day and sometimes see her walking about in her office every day. Really came close in the last two days to phoning her and telling her how much I love her and Luca and miss them so much and just want us all back together. Even though she'll know this and it would probably undo everything and keep her barriers up the urge has been so strong. Wondering what they are doing this weekend and yearning to be with them. Really having to try and somehow keep calm but it's so, so hard. I know I have to let her take time and reflect on the fact that I'm now divorced and hope the house sells in 2 weeks but worried now if it takes longer and have to wait longer before I can tell her and hope her barriers can then start to gradually come down. This has been the worst time of my life as I feel helpless in this situation. Guess I'm just needing some reassurance and support as I'm really struggling at the minute. She's my life.
Hey Keith,
Hang in there. I know how hard it can be. I really hope that things work out between you two. But I also want you to be prepared for the worst. I want you to accept the possibility that it might never work out with her. You have to learn to be happy in your life without her. I know it's a little hard since you are going through a lot in life. But I guarantee you that even things don't work out with her, you are still going to find the happiness and the love you deserve.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for the support. I know the worst case scenario might happen and it does cross my mind a lot. Just got to somehow carry on. By the way, your email 'is my ex crazy' is so spot on. Sums up exactly what I'm thinking.
Hi Kevin my ex still says hi to me when he sees me at work but other than that, he doesn't say anything beyond that. If we don't have eye contact he walks right past me. Does that mean he's over me already? He broke up with me a little over a month ago.
Doesn't necessarily mean he is over you. It could be he is just trying to avoid any awkward situation that might arise due to both of you talking.
Hey, i just got through an extremely bad break up and messed up and did all the thing yoy said not to do. She blocked me from all forms of communition (facebook, twitter, etc.) What do I do?
Me and my ex broke up 6 days ago. We have been together on and off for 5 years due to arguing he cheated before and when things get hot for our household rather than stepping up like a man he runs from the responsibility he begged for me to do for him. . We are both 23 years oldAt one point we were planning on getting married and we have a little 1 year old boy together. It is day 4 of strict NC. Im doinh NC and not LC because whenever we arent together he goes sometimes 3 weeks without asking about him so I know for a fact at this point its about both me and mu kid or nothing at all and then when I say im done with him then he is all of a sudden my son this my son that. So ive attempted nc before and never finished and made progress but took him back too early he changed a little but then went back to being lazy as far as our relationship. So now I am determined to do 30 day NC. I know him well enough to know he is going to pop up at our house if I ignore him. He is currently staying at his mother’s house. What do I do about that? And after the 30 days is up im going to tell him his cousin asked me to come over to try to have sex because we broke up and I cursed him out. This cousin is the same one who tries to put him on with other women and mess up our relationship and he hangs with them not really realizing they dont give a crap about him. Even at one point a underaged high school girl was messing around with him. Just horrible. I have been trying to get him to cut them off and grow up and be committed and focus on our family. He is 100% great till he gets around his cousins and then when he does cut them off by his own choice they show up unannounced to our house to try to get him to party with them. They all cheat on their girls and are whores. They are his poison I feel. So my question is: what to do when he pops up unannounced during the 30 day NC, what to do for him to permanently change and value our family if he doesnt want to lose us and be committed, and what to do after the 30 days of NC detailed so I dont mess this up. Im tired of on and off and just want this to be permanent. We all know he is going to try to come back. Whole family says it infront of me and him. What exactly do I do for those situations so I dont mess up?
Hi Candace,
If he hasn't changed till now, there is little chance he will change in the future. If he shows up at your house, let him know calmly that you need some space and time and you need this time to be alone. Let him know that you will contact him after a while and you will appreciate it if he leaves you alone till that time. Tell him it does not mean you are moving on, it just means that you need time for yourself. If he plays the kid card, you;ll have to tell him that you are willing to make an arrangement so that he can see his kid every once in a week. If he takes you up on that offer, you will have to make an arrangement where he can see the kid once a week without you meeting him. If you have to meet him, use the rules in this article.
As for him changing, there is always a chance he will go back to his old ways when you get back together. You just have to make it clear that it's his last chance. You have to set the ground rules. You have to make it clear to him what your expectations are and what the consequences will be if he doesn't meet your expectations. The clearer you are about what you expect, the more likely you are going to get it.
Me and my ex broke up two weeks ago and he told me to move on. After six years being together. Cant do the no contract becuz I have his four year old son.
Read this article to learn how to do no contact if you have children.
Hey Kevin,
I signed up for your daily e-mail blasts and it's really been a big help. I guess I'm commenting now because I want to hear your opinion on my story.
My partner and I have been together for five years. It was a good relationship. He had some jealousy issues the first few years, and it was the primary cause of our fights. However, somewhere along the third-fourth year of us being together, we began to work it out and he claimed he stopped being bothered about it. The issues happen because I had a lot of guy friends from work, friends I met even before we got together, so I explained that it was hard to give up the close relationship I had with them. But, I always assured him that I was always only strictly platonic with them. I feel bad, cause I know he had a hard time accepting my relationship with these work friends of mine, but he did.
Anyway, this past year, the fifth year of our relationship, I gave up work to become a full-time student again for my master's degree. He showed me that he was very happy for me, he even bought me some necessities I needed at school, paid for some really expensive gadgets with his own humble salary just so I could get the best equipment.
I feel like we have a very honest and deep relationship; we don't keep things from each other and we try to support each other to the best of our abilities. However, when I entered school, the stress levels were very high, and I think I may have abused our relationship as a stress-reliever. I asked him to come see me a lot, and he would visit me after work, even if he had some take-home work to do. At first I didn't see any problems coming; last Christmas, he even planned a surprise for me, which made me really happy.
However, I noticed that around January, he started becoming really close to one of our common friends--I mean, we were all friends before, but ever since she was recommended to his office (so she works there now too)--they became closer. I didn't think anything of it, since I knew the girl, but then he started texting like her (using the same text language, it's very distinct), started liking the things she liked, etc. So I confronted him about it directly and asked if he was beginning to like her. He said he wasn't, he swore he wasn't, he even laughed and told me not to worry, because he was treating her the same way he treated all his female friends. I accepted his reason, since, I thought, he accepted mine way back before when I had a lot of male friends.
However, around late January, he started becoming quite distant. He didn't attend this one event in school I invited him to, opting instead to watch a movie with that female officemate. He apologized and told me it was because he already accepted her invitation before I told him about the event. I told him I was bothered by it, but ultimately if that was the case then alright.
When February came, we had an argument the day after Valentines, because he suddenly said he was "tired of our relationship" and needed "a break". He said I was becoming a stressful girlfriend, that my life at school was stressful and I was passing it onto him, and he wasn't having any fun anymore. There was a lot of crying and screaming involved in the fight, but eventually we broke up. I went home crying, but before I was able to reach my house, he caught up with me and apologized and said he wants to take it back. I told him we could try and fix things, and he agreed.
However, come March, I noticed he was getting more and more distant. Eventually, I asked him if he still wanted to stay together, and he said "I don't know". I asked him about his feelings about that female officemate, and he said "I might have feelings for her after all". After this, though reluctantly, I let him go. I initiated the break up. I told myself this was what was good for him. We broke up nicely, agreed to stay friends, and hope for the future. I felt I was very strong back then.
But apparently not. Two weeks into our break up and I've already committed most mistakes here... the thing is, whenever I text, he replies quickly, and there was even one time when I didn't reply and he called me up because he said he was worried. I regret bringing up the break up now, because I honestly do love him so much, but he says he wants to stay broken up because he needs the space. Plus, he says he'd be ridden with guilt if he gets back together with me without really having any closure on his feelings for the other person. But he also tells me he's very confused, and he loves me very much... and he does want to try to work it out in the future, just not now. Honestly, I am at a loss. I know I want to get back together, and I am experiencing for the first time how it feels like to be writhing with jealousy; I can't stop thinking of him and of that other girl, how they're together in the office, how they go out on dates, while I am another city away, in school.
I tried to break off contact permanently, but when I told him I would he panicked, asking why. I can't stop thinking of him, but I haven't been sending a zillion texts a day. I initiate contact probably 2x a week, some friendly conversation about unsubstantial things, like the weather, etc... but this is really taking a lot of self-control, and often I feel like I am going mad. We were good for five years, why did this suddenly happen? Though I am now aware of the reasons, it still feels like it came from nowhere.
Advice would be good right now. Thanks for your time, Kevin.
Hey Red,
I think cutting contact off for a while will be a good idea. You told him to cut contact permanently, that will obviously freak him out because he doesn't want to lose you. Instead, tell him you need some space and time and so does he and that it's better if you don't contact each other for a while. Tell him you will contact him after some time. You have a pretty good chance of getting back together. He doesn't want to lose you and you don't want to lose him either. Just give him time to sort out his feelings.
Where to start?
My ex just broke up with me 5 weeks ago. The first few weeks didn't really feel like a break up, we continued to hang out and talk non stop. The last few weeks have been a lot harder. We managed a goodbye and no contact for a week, then he began to text again. We've slept together about once a week since the break up. (No, hes not using me... this is just really hard on BOTH of us, as we still love each other very much.) We argued a lot, and had communication issues. I also am dealing with depression and severe anxiety issues, which I hadn't been honest with him about until it was too late. He would want tl plan things and outings with friends... I would get angry and start arguments instead of being honest about it giving me anxiety. Its been bad the last 6 months, like a "social phobia"- I panic about doing new things/meeting new people, feel like I am always being watched. But I hid that from him. I stopped being happy and goofy and outgoing... I dont laugh or smile or be goofy any more. He is the exact opposite. Ive now started seeing a therapist and am getting on meds to help with the anxiety. He has been very understanding and supportive about it since I told him, though he was still very determined to stick with his decision and be done as a couple. As much as that kills me, I have tried to be understanding and accepting. Then all of a sudden two days ago i wake up to a few missed calls from 7:30am, and he ends up telling me how confused he is and how much he misses me and loves me. We talked all day and then i went over to his house and we had a giant long talk (and sex :/) and at times it seemed to go well. I can see he is very confused and hurting too, and I know he hates how much its hurting me. But in the end he still thought it was best to say our goodbyes, and end contact as neither of us are moving on this way. So now its back to feeling like a fresh breakup, and I don't know what to do. I want to give him what he wants... but I also feel like it would be a huge mistake to just walk away and give up. We were engaged at one point, and very happy. But we had so many outside stressors (money, jobs, living situations) and took our stress out on eachother. We let our bouts of depression pull us apart, and I let my anxiety tear us the rest of the way apart. But I know we are both still in love with eachother, and hurting very much. It doesn't feel right to just give up.
Hey Bee,
If he has asked you to cut contact, you should respect his wishes and do it. At least for the time being. I know the breakup is hard on both of you, but you both really need a little bit of no contact to get perspective. You should contact him after a month and do the things mentioned in the article.
hi, I submitted a comment last night 3.27.14 and have not heard back? please respond , thank you kindly
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up when I started treating him badly when I thought I was going to lose him when he got accepted to school and I didn't. We had a lot of fights that month, and he finally decided to break things off with me. I found out after I have BPD and that's why I was doing a lot of mean things and I didn't know why. He doesn't know this yet, but I've tried to talk to him and he doesn't want anything to do with me. He just keeps saying it's over. I'm going to try your method out, but my question is, do I have much hope? I said some awful things and do you think it's possible for someone to get over that? :/
Yes, you do have hope. Work on your issues. He needs to see that you are making an effort to change yourself so that you will not behave like that again. Yes, he will be able to get over that if he can be assured that you've changed. Although, don't try to convince him, you can only show him. Like I say in the plan.
hey
me and my boyfriend started dating one year ago
i'am new in this town he liked me and i liked him too then he just started getting away from me and he broke up with me i was so despret and i asked him why i wanted him back so badly i just walked away from him when i see him he say hi and call me (only when we meet) 1 month ago i saw him and we went out and had so much fun ( he and my mom are friends she love him and always ask me to call him ) after that he didnt call or text me or say anything about getting back together i was so despret so i v datted another guy but he was his friend i didnt knew that he was his friend he called me and we had a fight i said sorry i didnt know that he is ur friend and he asked to see me i said no at first but then i accepted we went out like nothing happened he asked me to broke up with my boyfriend and get back together i said ok because i love him and he know that we kissed and hugged
3days later i broke up with my boyfrind and called him but he didnt call me back or text me i saw him with my mom at the mall he was so happy and he jke with mom and we just hd fun i asked him where were u why u didnt call me back he said we ll talk later and call u but he didnt i wted him for 5 days till he saw me walking at the beach and he called me and ask me how i was doing he feel jealous when he see me with another guy but he don't take us seriously today i saw him and talked when we are together i feel that he love me but when i go he don t call or text or say that he want me back
please tell me how to do to get him back and make him want me and call me to get back together
My girlfriend broke up with me. My friend who's a guy lives with her now and she's sleeping with his friend. I did everything you mentioned not to do.she got a restraining order against me. I think the restraining order ends today. The first 3 weeks I couldn't sleep or eat and now I'm slowly forgetting and trying to move on. I have been hanging out with friends but I still feel empty. I have a girl that wants to date me and do stuff with me ( she's pretty and all )but I can't get over my ex so I can't really do anything with her. I stopped seeing her FB messages 2 days ago and she was telling the guy that she's sleeping with that she thinks about me. He got really mad at her for that and told her to move on. It doesn't really hurt me that's she's dating other guys because I guess they are all rebounds right ? I don't really have her number so i don't knows how ill contact her after I complete the no contact theory which I think should last me about 2 months... Do you still think that it will work out between me and her if she sleeped with another guy after a week that we broke up. I know I should try to be with her because she has very good heart and I know she cares but every one is telling me to let her go . I been getting better I'm not depressed like I was the first 3 weeks but I still want her company . My question is how much longer can I do the no contact if the restriction order is over and I don't have her phone number to contact her but I know where she lives and works please help me thank you very much
I'll recommend you continue no contact for another 4 weeks. And how did you see her facebook messages? Do you have her password? If so, don't do it every again. It's a breach of her privacy and it's only going to make you feel worse. If you are looking at her messages or are obsessing over her profile, you are not really following no contact.
My ex bf is almost 17 and im almost 18 we have the problm of distance and the age the reason we broke up was that we didnt talk to each other for 2 weeks befor that he taught i was tcheting than bom when we talkd he said he askd another girl out and she said yes and shes his new gf that was in december 2014 we almoust got together he was said.. But the two problms mentiond upove were the thing that stopd us i love him and cant be with another men
Follow the advise in the article.
Hello. I have been in a relationship for 1 year and 3 months (both age 24). We loved each other very much and for both is our first serious relationship. We have both mistaken but I have slapped him and played some kind of a role saying that I am going to commit suicide in order to attract his attention. At first he hardly moved on and everything was allright until because of his lack of manner behaviour I slapped him again and again did the suicide thing. Right now he says that he needs at least some time till he will speak again with me. I don't know if he will ever want to be together again. He is not communicating. I did all the mistakes possibl3 contacting him but not succesful because I did the same mistake twice (with the fight). He said he doesn't know if we will be back together and for now he needs a break until deciding to talk yo me again. I mention that he still has pictures witg me in his house, still acces my FB account in order to play games, still keeps me in his phone with the name "Baby". I know I have mistaken, I know I was immature, didn't think of the consequences. I will be patient and for the first time in my life follow the 5 steps. Do I have any chance? He says that I promised to change and I didn't and that I make him not love me anymore.
Yes, you have a good chance.
I called him and we finally met. He said he isn't ready to call me again. He said we are still apart. He used to love and say it but after what happened he says he can't answer me the question if he loves me anymore. We had sex and after i asked him if we are ok and he says we are still in a break up. He gets nervous if i visit him and tells me to leave but when the nerves are gone we get along very well. He tells me that we are not as close as we have been. He can't answer me if he loves me anymore or not. He can't answer if he wants to be together again or not. He says right now he doesn't feel like being back together with me after what I did to him. He also says that he gets nervous about my questions. He answers me the phone but he doesn't call me. I really think that's all crap. What should I do? Should I break with him or be patient and wait for him? Is he playing with me? Why is he acting like that is he trying to make me feel horrible for what i did? I start thinking that if he can't be nice again he didn't even love me from the beginnig. He says that i don't know how to love somebody and says that i am troubled because i was acting bad with my ex too and also kissed other guys (even though with my ex had no sexual relation and the present guy was my first guy). Is he messing me? Trying to make me pay? Is there any chance to get back together even though i am waiting, what for (he's answer for everything is "i dont know")? I thought we are in a break, than i found out we are separated, than we had sex and thought we are back together but found out he is not with me. What should i do? It's hard to leave him alone.
And one more thing: i asked him to be honest and to let me know if he doesn't want to be with me anymore because i will understand a "no" instead of all this game and 3ven though i will be hurt i will start dealing with the situation and leave him alone and he says he doesn't have an answer.
If you are broken up right now, follow the plan. You have to leave him alone for this to work. If you keep on contacting him, you will keep pushing him further away.
Dear Kevin,
I love this article , I willing to try the 30 day rule but i am afraid as if I've already messed things up already. The ex I took interested in claims he has feelings for me too.him and I didn't had a bad break up. But , I was one of those people who felled for a re bound relationship right after because Like you stated these are people who have a hard time moving on.He too, Did the same with my friend . which is why it was really hard and hurting at the time.
We didn't talk for 3-4 months, I started talking to him again during the rebound relationship just like every other rebound relationship the fire die out. we cling on to each other , like our old self and rekindle our small fire.
But the issued it self happen when weeks passed by when he said "I love you" "i miss you" " i don't want to see you dating any others".
So I thought - okay maybe this guy want to date me?
the moment I asked him "What are we?"
he couldn't even give me a straight flat answer in fact he told me we're friends but weren't cause he does see me in his future and he can't friend-zone me . like he has done to my friend.
it became really ugly , because both of us got upset. I told him , That he didn't wanted to date me and how i feel like i wasn't worth it because he decided to point me out as the issue stated " I wasn't ready". but he keep playing mind game with me constantly , it starting to hurt a whole lot even worst.
So what can I do in this situation ?
He's my best-friend , I really don't want to lose him.
It's hard to say, apply no contact for a week then ask him if he wants to continue the relationship or break up. If he still doesn't reply properly, apply no contact for a month.
I think the issue is more than what seems on the surface. It could be that he was just using you. If he was, you should be glad that it's over.
Also, I just saw your other comment. Do you still want me to delete your comments?
Hey Kevin,
Here's what happened so far, since he threatened to call the cops and told me to leave his life permanently I immediately dropped contact with him, after a full 24 hours without me he contacted me back with the longest paragraph apologizing for his actions, stating that I'm an amazing, beautiful person that will have a lucky man, and that he just wants to be friends. I called him to talk to him and he said he would allow feelings to come if they do come between us but right now he has feelings for a taken girl across the country I can do nothing about, he said, "Well don't you think distance doesn't matter, and that you can like other people while you're in a relationship?" So she's definitely leading him on and her boyfriend doesn't have a clue. I know all I can do is let that play out. Now that we are back to being "Friends" (I tried telling him I didn't want to put a label on us), do we stand a chance? How do I get him to regain feelings for me, are there any tips you can offer for me now to get out of the 'friendzone'. He's passionately, deeply loved me, and he only 'likes' her, I'd say I stand a chance except he claims he feels nothing romantic for me anymore at all.
Thanks Kevin!
Well, I don't think you are really friendzoned. I don't think he sees you as a friend yet. He is just using this friendship excuse to keep you around as a backup. Don't talk to him about his new girlfriend. And since you never finished no contact, tell him you need some time and space and start no contact.
She's not his girlfriend, but a girl he has feelings for. Today I spent the entire day with him and we had fun and he did kiss me and was romantic but kept stating he didn't 'love' me, but he did feel emotionally amazing. At the end of the day we fell asleep together and as I was about to leave he said he felt sleepy and that he felt guilty for not talking to the girl all day, which bothered me but I tried to ignore it. He said he strongly missed being with me too. He kissed me before I left, but I'm definitely feeling like getting time and space after today is a priority, he misses me, he kisses me, but hes talking about this stranger he just started talking to a lot and likes, and hes not committing at all.
Yes, time and space is priority. You need to let him know that you won't be his backup. And the best way to do that is to apply no contact.
Hey Kevin , I forgot to tell you that I'm 34 and he is 43 this relationship has been for 6 years on and off most of the time on.
Hi Kevin, Me and my boyfriend broke up a day ago and it was bad it all started from me wanting to talk about what happened the night before So let me explain He came over and said to me that he couldn't stay because he had to get his children for the night I didn't believe him so I said that I wanted to have face time on the phone so he could prove it to me and he said ok so I waited awhile to call him and he did answer so I asked was he home yet and he replied no I'm almost home I'm with my children now I say ok I'll call you back in 30 minutes so you guys can get settled he says ok I call back and the phone was turned off so the next day when I talked to him he says I turned the phone off because I don't have time for this childish stuff so I asked would I see him he said yes I say ok because we need to talk he comes over and gets upset soon as I try to communicate so we get into a big argument and he says let me leave and I refused to because I didn't understand why he didn't want to talk so I tried to beg and pled with him to stay and nothing worked and I felt so disrespected that I slapped him and still held him from leaving but before he left he said to me that I was the only reason why he didn't move out of state and he says that he is done with me and I will never see him again so I called and called him he would not answer so I texted with no response then the next day I called him because I needed a way to work and ask if he could provide it for me and he did do you think I still have a chance with him?
Yeah, you do have a chance. But you both seem to have communication and trust issues. Even if you do get back together, I'll suggest you work on those issues.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me about 12 days ago, we really loved each other alot but then my ex decided to study abroad for the next couple of years, a few months ago and we decided to stick together and try long distance and see what happens, and most of the relationship was great in many ways, however the last 2 months of the relationship were bad and I admittedly was very bitter and used to argue and bicker alot which eventually drove him away, and now he said "I'm not the one for him" and he sees no future with me.
I really want to fix myself because I was being very emotional and I'm worried it's too late and he already made his decision
Do you think it can still work? He's leaving the country in a few months, I'm scared
Hi there!
My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago and I have no idea why and neither does any of my (or his) friends or family. One of his mates said to me that he doesn't think that my ex knows why he did it and another said that he doesn't think my ex gave it much thought. There wasn't anything wrong in our relationship at all, and I really do mean that. The only thing was that he was nearly 6 years older than me but when we first started seeing each other this was a problem but we moved past his because his feelings overrode it and he realised that I'm much more mature than most people my age. And then our relationship was beautiful, and we were the couple that everyone was jealous of. We both believed we had a future together and spoke quite frequently about this future (and most of the time it was him bringing it up!). We never really argued, had never fallen out and we made each other so happy and we had so much in common as well as having our own interests. Everyone I have spoken to says they don't understand and they're sure he will realise what he's lost, regret it and see sense. The only thing I can think of is that he's been having a very hard time in his job recently because he's at a place in his life where he needs to start a proper career and I know that this has been heavily bothering him for a while now, so perhaps he felt he needed space to sort everything out? I'm just devastated because it was such a shock and came from nowhere and I honestly thought we were a forever couple. When he broke up with me he said everything he adores about me and all the things I've got going for me, he said that his feelings towards me haven't changed at all and that it's just him and something has gone wrong in his head. He's said to his friends that he doesn't understand what went wrong and it was nothing to do with me - it was something in his head that wasn't quite right and he also said that despite breaking up with me, if any guy even tried to try it on with me it would crush him. I just don't understand. But I've been very dignified about it all, I haven't contacted him and I won't. The only thing is that last night it was his sisters birthday (who happens to be one of my close friends prior to mine and my ex's relationship) party and she wanted me to go and he thought I should go (he said so when we broke up). So I went, I arrived with my best mate (who's a male) and another good friend who my ex always though fancied the pants off me. My ex gave me a hug when I arrived and had a bit of banter with me and I went along with it but very cooly. All his friends wanted to talk to me and dance with me and it was a really great night. I didn't ignore him at all but I didn't go out of my way to speak to him, it was always him speaking to me. I thought I caught him looking at me a few times but this could be my imagination. At the end when I was leaving he waited inside so he could say goodbye and he gave me a really long hug and looked back at me as I was walking out. To me this all makes no sense because it seems like he still wants me yet he broke up with me. Did I do the right thing here? Do you think he was just confused and broke up with me without thinking and now he's regretting that? Do you think he will come back to me after some time and space? What's the best thing for me to do right now?
Please help me!
B
IT could be he is regretting his decision or it could be he is just missing being with you. The best thing for you to do is follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I'm amazed how you've been patiently reading and responding to every stories. I'd be happy to get your thoughts on mine.
I was in a long-distance relationship for more than 2 years. It was an ideal relationship, or so i thought. Things were so smooth. He was a bit possessive but I only find it cute and sweet; and moody but I was able to get him. Despite the distance and busy schedules, communication headed our priority lists. We actually grow up in the same place. We just stayed apart temporarily because of work but planned to put up a small business in our place as we get married, which was supposed to happen as our dream house we financed together is finished. (It is now finished.)
But everything drastically changed. I was shocked as I didn't see it coming.
During one his rare night outs with friends, he cheated on me and impregnated a girl who is 12 years younger than him (he is 34, i am 31). I only learned about this sad news November last year when the girl is already 5 months pregnant. I pleaded for my boss to have me assigned to our branch nearer to my bf's office, which miraculously granted eventually. But my reassignment hadn't help a bit. To my dismay, my bf still find it hard to choose between me and the girl with the baby, even when I told him I could still accept him, and my family would understand. I was deeply hurt and until now is suffering from depression. How can the sweetest and loving man I've known and loved so deeply reject me just like that? How can he possibly dump a very beautiful relationship for a girl he just accidentally meet 9 months ago, who is also 9 months pregnant as of late? (I know, it could possibly be his child but who knows?)
The relationship between our families are also affected as both were expecting for us to settle this year but were so disappointed.
It's been 4 months but the pain hasn't lessen a bit. He keeps on ignoring me as I have desperately done all the deadly mistakes you mentioned in this article, to get him back on track, which my friends say is ridiculous and ironic since he's the who cheated, so he should be the one doing what i did. He has changed number but later called me with his new one. He deactivated his Facebook but activated it again when i mellowed on contacting him but changed his password.
He emailed me just this week but only to ask what's my plan of our co-owned "dream house". I told him i still can let it go and don't have specific plans. He said if he will just have it and will just pay for my share. I couldn't allow it to happen. I designed the house. Better it be sold to others than have it lived by him with the girl.
How can he become so selfish! I can't believe how heartless has he become. The man I adore so much, who was so loving and sweet, who used to spend 3 to 4 hours talking with me over the phone every night (literally) has completely become a stranger for just a little span of time.
What pains me so much is I honestly still love him. I still believe in us despite the hurt. I'm so confused. It may be a shame for a 31 year-old to ask an advice from you but I really need help. Thank you Kevin.
Hey,
I know it sucks but you have to let him go, at least for the time being. If he is choosing the other girl, then there is really nothing you can do. If you really want to give it another try, here's what you should do. Apply no contact for at least two months. Contact him again as I explain in the article. Have a few conversation with him, then ask him to choose between you two. If he chooses the other girl, tell him you will cut him from your life and will move on. If he still chooses her, then you know it's a lost cause and you are better off moving on.
Thanks for your honest reply..i will do as you say i should.. God bless you.
hie kevin
well I dated my ex since 2009 all was well she was pushing for marriage but wasn't ready yet so she broke up with me that was in 2011 it was so heartbreaking on my part but still loved her.after about a year we got background together again and she promised she elder not pressure me into marriage.late. mid 2013 we started living in together and she started putting pressure about marriage again I love her but was not ready.at first I told her would do an engagement in december bit it ddnt happen and was even caught cheating in january she forgave me and we set Valentine say as another engagement date but ddnt do it so mow she Saidi I was good at only dissapointing her and she broke up with me.I tried to txt and call and she said she would block my calls
so now I have decided to follow your advice but honestly do yu think I can win her heart over again
the sisters Freind s are all against me
Yes, there's a chance. But only get her back if you are absolutely sure you are ready to commit. Otherwise, you should stop wasting her time.
I am serious and dont want to waste her time kevin but dont know wat happened to me.yesterday went to her house to pick up some money and we talked and didn push for getting back together.to be honest myth be wrong but she is the only 1 I can love
Hi Kevin,
Me and my ex broke up over small issues, and we had a good talk about it. I wanted to get back, but he don't. And I knew that I must not beg or act clingy to him in order to get him back. Now he's confusing me, he texted me an hour after we broke up, then follow by everyday a text asking how am I? And what I've been up to. Sometimes he will send me picture of beach and food that friend sent to him.
Understand that I have to apply No contact rule in order to make him misses me, but situation like this, what should I do? Should I approach him and ask him if he's confused with what he wants? If he's texting because we agreed to be friend? What should I do? I still want to get him back, and understand what is our problems and willing to work it out. Please advise.
ThankYou
Keep the no contact short. Around a week or two. Tell him you need a few days to clear your mind. Then talk to him and discuss the issues. If he still doesn't want to get back together, then start no contact again and follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
I took your advice and told my ex to stop contacting me. I previously told you that he was contacting me everyday and I was a sucker for it and kept answering. I explained that it would be too difficult right now to be friends with him because it is not fair to me to have him come swooping in and out of my life. Also, it would be unfair if he started dating someone else. I told him I need more time and space right now. That conversation didn't go very well. He cried and he was angry and he said he didn't want to lose his best friend. I don't really understand that. Like hello, what did he think was gonna happen when he dumped me? Anyways, he got all mad and hung up so I texted him saying that I would contact him when I thought the time was right but I needed my space now and he responded all pissy so I just left it. That was a week ago. He has not contacted me at all since then. Before, right after the break up, he would "accidentally" call me, or Facebook message me. Now, its absolute silence. Is this a good thing? Do you think he will contact me at all within the next couple weeks during N.C. ? if he doesn't, then what does that mean? I think I am going to start going crazy.
You did well. He is respecting your wishes and it's a good thing. You are in control. Continue with the plan.
Update: I changed my profile picture last night and I saw I had a missed call from him this morning. I texted him asking If he called and he said it was a "pocket dial sorry bye" so I put ok bye. I doubt it was an actual pocket dial because we haven't talked in a week so I'm not in his most recently called and what are the chances that it would happen right after a Facebook update ?I really don't understand why he is the one that is all mad but maybe he was just wanting me to ask so I we could start a conversation or something. At least I know he's thinking about me. I will keep up with the plan
It doesn't matter if it was a pocket dial or not... you should have kept NC. Keep NC for a month as suggested by the guide.... it doesn't matter if he contacts you or not during that time.... or at least you shouldn;t be thinking about that. You should be using NC for YOU, to make yourself your priority and to improve yourself. Not to be testing him and/or stressing over if he will contact you or not. Be strong. But that's just my opinion :)
hello KEVIN :)
honestly me and my ex we broke up about two month actually she broke it up
after that i was reallly sad but i tried to stand on my leg and also always i was thinking of her but i was trying to be more stable . we were living in one flat but later after broke up she changed her flat . she was too much annoyed from my bad behaviors sometimes which like being selfish in my life sometimes and not taking life serious and bla bla but all our argue started from the time which i came back from my country and i told her why we need to think of marriage ?? we re still young and after i finish my study we will see i dont promise anything !!
but the problem was before that i put the marriage in her mind and then by my family presssure i told her no !!
after that she was disappointed of me untill we argued a lot on everything she couldnt be with me and she by time become less interested and broke up .
but after break up which was in my exams time i told her one day that i want to come there in your new flat and study there if you dont mind cuase if i fail they willl kick me out of uni and i have to go back to my country ! SO FINALLY she told me come but plz be silent when you come cuase i am talking to my girlfriend by phone dont want her to know this . by more time gone i was meeting her agaain and also sleeping in same bed together but no touch actually
i was changed also
but before i travel to my country i made her angry twice by pressing her about some typical stuff and she told me that i hate it when my life have to be worry of what you think always if i do or dont what happens
so she when i went back to my country and wanted to come back i told her so what we have to do ?
she said if you want to know i will tell you
honestly i want to fix myself first and after that i want to find MAN for myherself so i donno what will happen in future
but you also have to be man and find your woman
i told her so u want me to cut fully ?
she said yes better becuase what we were doing was not good i dont want to do it again and when again we become together you become again same as before after a while
so better to cut 99% and sometimes we contact
after i came back from my country to her country i asked to meet her and finally she meet me at my house and she was verryyy kind to me and she call me always baby
in her talking
and after that we were just messeging normally about daily stuff
untill 3 weeks later i asked her to what to meet her !
i told her about this two month that how much i changed and what was my mistakes and she reallly could see that this guy reallly understood his misstakes and she was also a little bit cried and i told her that this person after he changed himself he ssaw something is missing that was taking a right decisions himself not by help of others or family i told her that for this matter i put my goals and i saw again some of the goals my family are problem !!
i said to her that i did everything and tried to fix myself and also our future
the thing is after that she was so happy but when she went home she become again cold on messeging me
untill for somedays i didnt messege her maybe 4 days and i bought a cat which i knew she like cat
so she called me that why you didnt tell me that you bought a cat , you know i love cat so can i come to see her ?
i told her yeah come and then funny is she came and she slept here also and after that we watched movie and great night but no kiss or something still officiall
but this good manner just was about the week and we went out restuarnt and everything but after this week agaaaaain she become cold on her messeging to me and it was bothering me i couldnt understand why !!! untill i called her and told her
that why you do this to me !! two days ago perfect but suddenly like this ?
she told me see dear i saw nothing changed in me and you and everything is same so why we should start it
i was like no you re wrong i changed our life is different but she was like no
i told her you have two choice not more ! 1. to live together 2 to forget each other so plz be frank what you want !
she said no i can not i dont want anything now i want to be alone and bla bla
we hang out and finally she sent me messege see dear i donno what future will bring for us but now i just know that we dont have
any future so i am here as a friend and bla bla
i couldnt undetrstant what kind of change she means so i went and sent her a messege about 3 days after that
told her what kind of chnage you mean is it about me or its about our future nothing change ?
and i was stupid for my answer i went to her house !! ( looser manner i know ) and told her that tell me now face to face
she didnt want to talk and she told me go plz why you came here and bla bla
untill 20 minute she didnt want to tallk and give me any answer
i told her give me answer and will go forever and finally she said that the problem is me and her life is better witout me
here i said bye to her
but after that i couldnt forget her still have feeling and love her :/
i want her back i acted tooo needy actually 4 things which you said i didnt have to do i did
do you think following your rules will help me ?
cuase i always acted needy to her but i decided for first time to dont send her a messege for a month and now its about 7 days i didnt
and i want to fix myself also what you advise me kevin plz?!
Yes, following the steps will help you. Just work on your confidence. There's plenty of advise in the article on what to do during the no contact rule. Other than that, you can find many guides and articles on the internet on how to be more confident in your life. Read books on the subject and if you want, go to therapy as well.
Towards the end of my relationship my guy and I started talking less (we used to text and call each other daily). Then a few days after a deep conversation where he was texting me how much he loves me, he breaks up with me. Since the breakup (only a week ago) I contacted him once to tell him I was sorry for the part I hadin our relationship going wrong. It was a simple conversation and I refrained from begging for another chance. I have now been doing the 'no contact' for several days and now noticed he deleted me off of Facebook. Is this a sign that he hates me? Do I have no chance of getting him back? If I wasn't liking his posts or pics or contacting him in any way, then why delete me?
Perhaps he can't stop himself from looking at your profile and it was making him miss you. Or perhaps he wants to get a reaction out of you. You still have a chance and I think it's worth trying.
Hi Kevin,
I am currently separated from my spouse. I told her I needed to leave the relationship about 3 months ago but almost immediately realized I made the wrong decision. After that she stuck to her guns and moved out. After spending the holidays apart we began dating and spending time together. I was definitely sure I wanted her back but could sense she had a world of doubt and was clearly considering other opportunities. She kept telling me that she needed it "to be fun and easy" for a while and that "I don't have her." I definitely was panicked when she said these things and often reacted in a needy and emotional way- clearly not in acceptance of the fact that we were separated. She ended up getting into a rebound fling about a month ago, which appears to still be in contact somewhat, while she was on vacation and was clearly trying to put me into the friend zone. I then initiated no contact which has been in effect for three weeks. My question is, since I was the one who ended the relationship and definitely
hurt her deeply with an emotional affair I had which prompted the separation, should I be treating no contact differently? I truly realize that she is exceptional, that I contributed significantly to/caused our demise, and I would be priveliged to have her back from our separation for good. What should I be thinking about doing in the next one to two weeks? Thank you for your advice.
Contact her and follow the plan. I take it you have already apologized for your mistakes, so there is nothing else you can do about it. This time, don't show any neediness and don't pressure her into getting back together. All the best.
Hey Kevin.
I had been dating my ex for nearly 6 years, we recently broke up about 2 months ago.
I wasnt able to do no contact due to us sharing a son.
I see him once a week now since then, and once a week we spend what we call "family time" for my son.
My ex girlfriend, i think has been interested in her old boss, a place she use to work, she currently works somewhere else. She isnt dating anyone and says she is not ready to date anyone, but it seems that she is interested in someone because if i ask she says "i dont have to tell you that" she is over me, i know this and i stay positive when im around her i dont bring things up, she is the one who usually probes me until i have to answer.
I know the reasons why she left me, it was due to lack of attraction because i didn't have a job in 4 years, played too many video games, became very skinny under weight, my hygiene was lacking and i was negative and was mostly in a negative mood.
so obviously her boss was a better catch at the time and he was married and emailing her saying he wants to be with my girlfriend instead, and might be getting a divorce soon, i feel like shes waiting on him to get the divorce.
As for myself I have started taking care of myself, havent played a video game in 3/4 months, i am TRYING to gain weight, I am getting my CDL license next week and going to get a job in waste management or within the town driving trucks. I am working on building muscle, clothes, hygiene, ect and a positive attitude.
My question is, in my situation, what should i do. Should i initiate no contact, give her, that much needed space away from what she grew to resent and possibly risk losing my son? (He isnt biologically mine i have no rights to back me up with him, he just knows me as daddy, and she seems to think im using him to keep my foot in the door.)
I dont know what to do. I love my son just like my own blood, I know she is the right woman for me, i know it was me that screwed up not being assertive in life and not treating her like i should. (loss of attraction/resentment/financial support)
Id like to know if its possible to get my ex back, and how to go about doing so in this situation, i see a lot of people here who do not have kids, what would you suggest people do, when they do have children?
Thanks for any help. ~Andrew
Hey Andrew,
I've written about no contact with kids in this article. I think you have a chance to get her back if you follow the plan.
Hi Kevin
I would really appreciate it if you could gve me some advice on how to get my ex back.
We were together for almost 3 years, we had alot of fights but in the end we would apologize and everything would be okay, i really love him, he was my first boyfriend, and i dont love him cause of that, but because he makes me happy and i always smile when im with him, well we used to live together and everything, and he and his dad were planning a trip to visit relatives, and i said why not at first i was mad because he didnt tell me right away, but then i thought about it and it was wrong of me and i apologized to him, he went on the trip and could only call me 2 times cause where hes fam lives is in the middle of nowhere, were there is no phones, so i got a little sad and mad, but when he came he was different, he didnt want to speak to me, or tell me what was going on, so i sent him a text saying of there was something wrong he could tell me, i wasnt just hes girlfriend i was also his friend, but all he said was that he didnt feel like this relationship was the same as before, that he needed space time to think, and i did all of the mistakes on top :/ i cried to him alot and he also cried with me, so yesturday we were talking and i made the mistakes again, i told him i loved him and all that, he said he loves me but is not inlove with me? What? So that really hurt me, i been in bed for 5 days i dont eat nor sleep, but hes dad says hes not doing good either, so i really dont know, well today we were talking and i had the courage to ask him if he thought that maybe later on he could give us a chance, and he said yes but not right now, that he wasnt thinking about that now, i dont know what to do, hes coming on saturday to pick up all his stuff, please Kevin do i still have a chance with him? Please answer back, and thank you
yes, you have a pretty good chance if you follow the advise in the article.
Hey Kevin.
Hes been really distant, he called me and was trying to make me jealouse by saying he was going back to his country and he was going to be with a bunch of girls, i think he said it in a kinda joke way, but that hurts me cause i dont really know what he would do, after we talked for like 1 hour the next day he started acting distant, i dont know what hes thinking Kevin im so confused, hes coming tomorrow to pick up all his stuff, i think this is really the end of us! Im so scared please what should i do! Help!
hey kevin my girlfriend broke up with me and says she still loves me and cares for me we broke up 2 months ago but were still talking and now started no contact rule how long should i wait to text her again also can she be lying and talking to someone else we've been going out for just about 2 years
Any one can be lying about anything. You never know. But it shouldn't bother you. She broke up with you. She has all the right in the world to talk to anyone she wants. You don't own her. And she doesn't owe you anything. Neither do you to her. Accept that. Approach her with this attitude.
Hi Kevin,
I'm very lost at the moment, so a response would be much appreciated.
I came across your site and am starting to follow the 5 steps and have recently began the 30 day NC period. The thing is, my boyfriend and I haven't officially broken up in the sense of verbally confirming it, however after numerous arguments over the telephone and him continuously hanging to the telephone on me, I decided to block contact with him and not allow text/ phone call communication.
I'm currently at university and so live away from home where my boyfriend is. This however, isn't very far, just about 2 hours on the train. Anyway - were together for a year when things started to get difficult between us, so I had to break the relationship off with him to give us both space to get ourselves back on track. He was suffering and so was I. During this period (3 months) we stayed in contact, but it was no longer intimate/ relationship like - he would just tell me how much he loved me whilst I would encourage him to move on with his life. During this time I admit that I was completely in-denial about the fact that I was still in love with him. It was as if the undeniability was a coping mechanism for me at the time to heal after the hurt that had been caused.
Anyway, after the 3 months, are conversations became more involved and I started to open up to him and reconnect again and things were getting better. However this was only over the telephone. Just before Christmas, something really bad happened to me involving another male taking advantage and of course I went to my boyfriend for support. Of course he was very angry at the person who did wrong to me and got quite protective. He was very supportive for a few days until the following happened. Well he became relatively distant and conversations became few and far between. He told me that he had started speaking to another girl from stupid facebook... So of course, I made sure to back off and leave him to it. It hurt so so so much and I really couldn't believe he could do that to me full stop, let alone during a time that I was extremely vulnerable. I have since started counselling and am now on medication for depression.
After a day or so of not speaking, he contacts me to let me know that he had cut off all contact with this girl and that nothing has happened.
He also came to visit me and we slept together. I thought everything was okay from here and that he had a moment of uncertainly due to the way I made him feel during our 3 month break. I went back home for Christmas and we spent a night together. The following day he began to act distant yet again, saying things we moving too fast. Guess what? I find out again that he went back to this girl and they were spending time again. This behaviour continued another two times, both of which I forgave. Finally, the last time he came back to tell me he had made a huge mistake involved me asking him to call the girl in my presence, whereby we spoke and I found out they slept together. What?! The night that I knocked round his house and he wouldn't let me in because he had her upstairs. Why was he letting a young girl sleeping at his house if he loved me and didn't want anything to happen? I can't make sense of it.
So a week or so go by, whereby I continue to ignore him. He tried to visit me at home, bring flowers, letters etc. all of which I ignore. Just before I leave to return to uni,
I agreed to meet him, however this just ended up involving us going for a walk outside and me shouting at him saying "how could you do this?", "why did you go with someone so young?", "but she's so different to me" etc etc. Since then I returned to uni and he continuously called/ text me letting me know how sorry he was and that he'd do anything to show me no matter how long it takes. After a lot of effort, I gave in believing that he was truly sorry. He was very good and supportive for a month, after which his efforts started lacking and would refuse to answer my questions. He started wanting more and more from me. I helped him finically and got him out a loan. I'm a student! He continuously let's me down with payments, which is due to his financial issues associated with drug use. I've always been good to him (well...most of the time). I want more than the world for him to just respect me and treat me like he loved me, as he says he does.
So now after letting me down with payments, shouting at me and hanging up continuously, I didn't know what else to do other than to block contact with him. Kevin, I know from reading this what you will think, but he is a good person deep down; affectionate, caring, funny and loving, however this dark side is extremely overwhelming.
I want to follow the NC rule, which you say will make him want me back and wonder what I'm up to and care etc. However, more importantly, I want to be happy with him and maintain that happiness. How can I gain the respect and treatment that I deserve. I love him very dearly - I'm not sure if he truly knows this. It's as if he never truly listens or care about how I feel.
Thanks.
Hope, I've replied to your comment here.
My bf dumped me for another woman he met online.he has bring her from another country to his place.We been togheter almost one year.He have with her almost 2 month.He contacted me, telling me he made a mistake etc.But he is still with her.I told him not to contact me anymore, he said ok i respect ur decision but contacted me after 2 weeks again and i did answer short.he wanna meet me for a coffe.What i should do?i still want him alot but i dont want this situation:(How i make him to choice?or maybe he like her more:(
Meet him. Be confident and don't show any signs of neediness. Don't ask him to choose just yet. Have a few more dates with him. Then give him an ultimatum.
Hi,
I like your advice - your tone conveys a very reasonable, level approach that I think most dating websites lack. It normally feels frantic and hysteric reading advice elsewhere. I particularly like what you say about giving yourself time and space (through no contact) to feed your happiness and work on who you are. Brilliant.
Thanks!
Thanks for your comment Ashley. I am glad you like my articles.
Hi me and my ex broke up after 11 years was a bad break up and now he claims he's moving on, I've begged him but he's not interested he's off somewhere finding Somewhere else to live when I found this I was even more hurt because I was like how can he do this to me after 11 years?
Already have like I said I am really sorry it ended like this I got angry and you did and a lot of things accumulated up and down all the time too much can be said about both of us but am really sorry on my part and hope one day u find it in ur heart to forgive me thanks for the years we spent together.
When I read this I burst into tears because he has truly gone and made that decision to leave for good
It could be he has decided to leave for good. I'll recommend you to start no contact for 2 months and do the things it says in the article to do during no contact.
Hey Kevin,
We decided to try no contact for two weeks but his sister told me he had feelings for someone today and I freaked out, he told me he didn't, but I called and asked him and he said he liked her a lot now, he talks to her for hours every day, but shes in another state and dating someone right now. He told me my presence brings him stress and he doesn't want us because he doesn't love me, doesn't feel anything for me, and isn't interested in me because he's "been there, done that." He says he has hardly a shred of hope for us being even friends. I kept asking him questions and I asked him first if I could telling him I didn't want to anger him, at the end he said "You know what screw this, f you, get out of my life permanently, I don't want you in my life, I don't want you, I don't care about you, I feel nothing for you, we aren't happening ever again, don't ever speak to me again." He blocked me on everything. I panicked and went to his house and he came outside, he had his defenses up and screamed at me to leave him alone, and I asked if this is permanent and he said yes, and I asked are you sure and he's like there's a tiny shred that we might be friends but for now this is permanent. He threatened to call the police and counted down from ten, I left. I cried outside and eventually his older sister came out and told me he was saying it out of anger and that she thinks he still loves me even though he says he doesn't and that I need to give him time and space. His entire family loves me and told me the same, but in the end its up to him and I don't know how to make him interested in me, he says he doesn't feel anything for me, even though yesterday he was flirty and held my hand, how do I make him want us? Kevin how do I get my boyfriend back when he wants absolutely nothing, has no hope, and doesn't want us?
My girlfriend was all good and serious for me for an year or so after an year of fighting, i had lost that charm in the relationship, i was so hurt and she was unable to do anything about it, but i gave lots of tries, it started working out, all was going so well, then i was again stuck by something and did not meet her for 3-4 months in the meantime she went to other guy in a rebound relationship and i chased her to an extent that i think she got frustrated, but i was stuck by something, she said she wants to be with me and make out with me but is not sure about our commitment as she has already hurt me by being with someone else she does not wants to do this again.
She is utterly confused i know that, i tried to make her understand, i fear no contact will take her away and telling about no contact will cause less effects. She says she has no trust on herself now and can not see me being more hurt, but also wanna stay with me. She breaks up with me every other day then start talking.
Read this article.
hey well we just broke up and she had just gotten off a relationship before me. Based on what you said, I'm feeling like the rebound and i don't know if these tips are going to help. i treated her very good and its hard specially because we work in the same warehouse but different departments. its weird seeing her and i completely ignore her. i just spoke to her on monday and told her that i just wanted us to be friends. i am going to apply the no contact for the amount of time mentioned then write her the letter. what do you suggest?
It's worth trying.
Hi
Kevin i am doing the no contact rule right now and im just wondering if i will go out with some girls am i going to post it in facebook is it ok to let my ex girlfriend see it??? And what if she will ask me if some of those are my new girlfriend and then i will explain to her that its just my friends am i breaking the no contact rule if i explain to her???
It's OK as long as you don't make too obvious that you are doing it just to make her jealous. Yes, it will be breaking the no contact.
hello kevin my ex gf broke with me at the start of janu and untill now we spoke few times(i always made the contact the 1st time i was moving too fast with her and we had a little fight and stoped the contact) and after 1month we had a small on facebook wishing her the best and im ok with the situation after 22days(today) w/o me contacting her, SHE! contacted me and asked how i was doing and if im ok we had a small talk but i only answered to what she was asking, and i asked her if she wants to talk on the phone once i get into the home and she said no, she just wanted to see how i was doing. in what situation i am and what do i must do? do i have any hope to get back with her?
Contact her after a week using the methods described in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I would really like some advice. I'm at a complete loss. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened:
My boyfriend and I dated for almost 7 months. We were very, very serious and began planning a future together. We had a bond with each other neither of us had in previous relationships. He, however, has had an awful past, which has led to anger and trust issues. I convinced him that he needed help to get past this and finally truly be happy with himself. Well, he is taking my advice but a week ago broke up with me saying “I do love you and want to be with you. I just can’t right now but maybe our paths will cross again.” We unfollowed each other on social media to make it easier. I let him be for a day but he got angry about something I tweeted (meaning he cares and was checking up on me since he had to search?) and in turn, tweeted something that made me angry. I called him and we got in an argument; him saying he never wanted to see me again, to stay out of his life, and he was going to move on to others. I immediately started no contact. He’s talked to my best friend and at first it sounded like he was truly upset but now he’s starting to say he wants to just move on with his life. He’s the type of guy that loves to be reassured, shown he’s loved, and wants to be fought for. Since he is that way, do you think I’m pushing him away with no contact or should I keep with it? (it’s been 1 week of no contact and I haven’t heard from him) I just don't know what to do. I'm so afraid the no contact is out of sight out of mind. Any advice you have is much appreciated! :)
I don't think you are pushing him away with no contact. Even if you are, it's just for one month and he will appreciate you talking to him more after he has had the opportunity to miss you.
Will this work if I cheated on my husband? He moved out, and cut off all communication with me--which I deserve I know. I haven't contacted him or his friends or family. It will be 30 days next week. I mailed him a letter with an updated health insurance card, and in the letter I wrote that basically I won't fight him for anything when he decides to divorce. I said I had some news and I hope to talk to him one day but not right now. Do you think it will work? I don't want to lose him.
It's worth trying.
Hey Kevin!
So I've been on and off with my ex for almost 3 years. Every time I think we're doing really good he finds a reason to break up with me again. This time he seemed pretty serious and I feel like we're never getting back together. He says that we're just not right for each other. but if that's true why did he stay with me for so long and why does he keep coming back to me?!
He also likes this other girl now. He told me that she's going to be important in his life now but idk if he was just saying that to hurt me. He said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because he doesn't want to see me move on. I'm really sad. I just want him back but I feel like my chances are ruined. What do you think?
Your chances are not ruined. Follow the advise in the article.
Hey Kevin, i'm 18 and my ex's 17.
I'm just going to tell you a bit of what's happening With me maybe you could help.
I've Had a 2 year relationship with this girl and then something happened and we broke up but we Didn't stop talking and She started seeing someone but we remained such as Close Friends and it's been a Year now since we broke up but Everything's still the Same.. But the Weird thing is that From times to times she Tells Me that she misses me and Misses how we were and She wants me .. And then suddently she becomes cold as ice on text messages.
I've always been there for her whenever she feels down and Same thing for her whenever i'm down and It still feels that the bond between us is still there but i don't know how she thinks !!!
What can you advice me to do? Should i start the No contact thing?
Thank you in advance
Yes, start no contact.
hi kevin,
your website has been so helpful, thank you so much. i wanted to let you know a bit about my story and get your thoughts :(
i have been in a tumultuous relationship for the past few months. it's been up and down, with a lot of arguments usually revolving around my need for validation in the relationhip- validation that my boyfriend was committed, that he cared about me, that he wanted to be in the relationship. he always refrained from calling me his girlfriend, but he showed me how committed he was in other ways. i know he wasn't seeing anyone else, or was interested in anyone else, but he just had an issue with the word girlfriend. all in all, we dated for 6 months. the first few months were strange because he did not commit, so i began to see other people, and in fact, made out with his friend. i told him, and although he initially forgave me, tried to break up with me (this was in our third month of dating). then i begged and begged him for another chance and told him that things were confusing which led to what i did. at that point, we started things up again, although the same petty arguments (caused by my insecurity and his strong reactionary nature) persisted. last month, we went on a great trip together and things seemed to be going well. then finally, last week, i began another fight, because i wanted validation once again that he saw me in his future, and that he was committed to me. i kept nagging and pushing him although he was extremely uncomfortable. after this happened, i had a terrible feeling this was the straw that broke the camel's back. he tried to break up with me last night and it was one of the most painful things i've ever experienced. i begged and pleaded, through frantic tears that this wasn't fair, that it was a mistake, that what we had was love, and that i couldn't give up like this. i said i would never behave so irrationally again. but he kept telling me it was over, that he no longer cared, that it was the same thing over and over again, that he wanted to be single, and alone, not because of other women but because he didn't want to be with me. he refused to stay over but i kept standing in his way as he tried to leave and at one point almost slapped him, though he blocked himself (i also didn't try with my full strength to hit him, i held back). it was such a mess. eventually he stayed and we made love, and in the morning i told him how much i loved him and that i was such a stupid little insecure girl and that i was going to work on my personal issues outside of the relationship and make sure it would never affect our relationship again. i told him that i have been going through a lot, including the divorce of my parents (which i only revealed to him last night). i told him that if we ever had similar issues again, that he could break up with me. i asked him if he was on board, and he didn't have an answer for me. all of this happened last night/this morning, and i don't know when i will hear from him. is all lost? is it over? i love him so much but i feel i have made such a fool of myself by begging and pleading and feel that he has no hope given his thought that the same mistakes will occur over and over again.
Well, I am not sure where you guys stand right now. I guess he needs some time to think. Give him a couple of days before contacting him. Then call him and make it clear where you stand. If he decides to break up, don't make all those mistakes again. Just accept it with grace and self-respect. And then follow the plan. You have a better chance of getting him back after breakup than you have convincing him to stay if he still wants to breakup.
hi kevin, thank you for your response. in an attempt to preserve some semblance of self-respect, i texted him this afternoon and said "i respect and accept your decision, what it may be. i just want you to be happy." i still haven't heard from him, and i don't know if i expect to today, but do you think that sort of text was helpful, especially when i basically told him that another chance is all i needed to prove how much i want to change in terms of insecurity, stupid issues, etc?
Yes, it was definitely helpful. Start no contact for 30 days.
Hey Kevin, I responded to my post which is half way down the page.
' Even tho I outed her to one of her friends (although for some reason her friend did not get the message thankfully) the last thing she said to me was she was very very hurt and angry I did that.
Maybe one day we can be friends but she said not anywhere near in the future, does that mean she may need like 6 months space? Or she defo means we can never be lovers?
Also she has threat to block my number and go to the police, but she keeps giving me chances not too, if this cos there is maybe still hope?
Hey Kevin, no I left her to it, I mean the last time I hear from her was yesterday, she said I am giving you one more chance to not block your number, If she meant what she said as in hates me why is she not blocking my number? Do you still think there is chance or is it time to move on?
Hey Kevin, no I left her to it, I mean the last time I hear from her was yesterday, she said I am giving you one more chance to not block your number, If she meant what she said as in hates me why is she not blocking my number? Do you still think there is chance or is it time to move on?
.
Im im in a bad way pls responde kevin
Hi Kevin, I didn't manage to pass him the painting because most of our mutual friends couldn't make it to the gathering and he decided he wants to work overtime on that day and couldn't make it as well. Not sure if he did that do avoid me but I shall not think too much about it. And so I passed the painting to his sister instead.
Was thinking as time passes (2.5 months since we broke up), it seems to be healing all the pain that I had from the breakup and that's why I'm confident that I can be happy around him. But I don't know how I can show him the change in me. It's like no one will be convinced if one keeps saying how much he/she have changed because this is something that has to be seen. I posted one very positive post on fb on Sunday and have received many likes but not from him. Not sure if he had seen it but I tried not to have any expectation in case I get disappointed. And because he didn't come this time, our next gathering is in 2 months. I wonder what is the next step I should take during these 2 months if I didn't want to ask him out on a one-on-one basis in case he finds it awkward. I believe the next time we meet would be 4.5 months since we've broken up, but that's okay because I know rekindling the spark in a relationship is often about having patience.
Oops, sorry. wrong article. You responded. :)
I have a bit of a strange situation going on, and I could really use some advice.
My ex and I were together for 4 months, it was a short relationship, but it was so intense, and I fell in love with him. He broke up with me because I had to move to a different country after losing my job. We broke up 3 months ago and we’ve been in low contact. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I decided that I needed to move on after and went full No Contact. 25 days has passed and I got a message from him on Facebook saying that he hopes I’m having a great time in my home country. I replied that everything’s going great and I’m having fun (not true, I’m miserable, desperate, and miss him a lot). After that message, he just disappeared again; it’s been 2 weeks.
I have 3 questions:
1. Do I even stand a chance with this guy?
2. Do I start No contact again from day 1 (I only broke it to respond to his message)? I am afraid that if I stop talking, it would be too long. Our relationship was very short and we spent almost as much time apart as the time we spent together. And should I break no contact if he contacts me again (Which I highly doubt!!).
3. When time comes to break no contact, and sent the text messages, I won’t be able to eventually meet him and ask him out on a date. It will probably take months until we are able to see each other again. I am now in a different continent now and I’m not sure how to handle the logistics.
Thank you very much. I am really confused now and would appreciate any feedback.
Stay in touch with him. I'll say contact him after a couple of weeks. However, make sure you are doing something to make yourself feel better. I know you are feeling miserable right now, but you need to learn to be happy without him if you want to get him back.
I have been dating this guy for a year, we had a great relationship. We talked or had some form of communication everyday. He didn't like going a day with out any contact. We went out of town several times and we saw each other at least 3 times a month. I'm a single mom and I work and his job has him working 12 hour shifts a week. Anyway, he started becoming distant and I questioned him on it. He said nothing had changed but then it would be a month and no visits, or two days at a time no contact, then recently I asked him before his birthday if he was seeing someone else and he got upset with me. I asked to just be honest and communicate with me please. No hard feelings if he wanted to end our relationship. He refused to answer me. I told him how this was hurting me and he blew it off with out so much as an, "it want my intention" speech. He didn't make time for me on his birthday and its been 3 days and there has been no contact from him. I want to contact him but cant bring myself to do it. I know he's use to me contacting him if its been at least 2 days of no contact but because of his rude and uncaring behavior I cant bring myself to contact him. Should I reach out? Or will he eventually reach out? Its hard to believe that someone who says they love you can walk away from you with no contact, not even a I didn't mean to hurt you, nothing. Please advise.
You should contact him. Make it clear if he wants to break up. If he isn't still clear about his intentions, tell him you want to take a break from the relationship for a month and that you should talk again after a month to see where both of you stand.
hey kelvin,
im sean, a 23 year old working boy dating a 21 year old college girl . but now my gf broke up with me due to that i could not tolerate and be supportive to her college activities . she said that she has no more feeling towards me. she was darn busy ever since she join the activities until that 1 day i got mad and i scolded her terribly. after that, i did actually beg her to come back to me and she gave me 1 last chance . 2 days later she said that she decided to let it go, the feeling was not rite anymore. Its been the 2nd week of our break up that i did not contact her. Any solutions for this matter??? i need guidance thanks alot.
Kelvin,
Ever since she said that she has no feeling towards this 2 year of relationship anymore, im completely out of confidence that i could get back to together with her. Further more, she did mention once to me that she is close with a guy in her college life.. i guess probably thats the barrel that made her no more feeling towards me.
A lot of people say that after a breakup and they don't really mean it. A lot of them even get back together after saying that. I say try the plan once and if it doesn't work, concentrate on moving on.
kelvin,
Alrite! im still maintaining the No Contact Rule , however i felt that she completely enjoying her life now. No offence but i do have a feeling that her friends are trying to pursuit her walk out on me ><. i have already prepared a letter written by myself but i do not know whether the content that i wrote will make her touch ??? could you check for me ??
Sure. Also, there is a sample letter in the email series (5th step).
Hey Kevin this is me again.
I was upset with my girlfriend over few things which she had promised me she won't do but did it so i did not meet her but said confess things over phone and i will be okay with it, we fought for like 4 months then she broke up and was in a rebound relationship i guess. I felt really broken and realized that i was wrong too (or only me) all the time. So i did many things to get her back to me. I became a really clingy person. I used to send like 50 texts a day. After simply denied any possibilities of us getting together and after a month her behavior changes, she would say one day i miss u and the next day treat me as if i am an unknown guy (even worse), i sat down with her at times and told her i just wanna talk to you we will be in a relationship only if this works out, she would do anything she likes, talk to me when she would feel like for hours but when i did the same she would switch off her phone for whole day. So one day she told me she is missing me we agreed to meet at a time but when i went there she said what is the use of meeting now, i met her forcefully sat down with her and said its okay you're going with these mood swings i am not here to force you for anything but this was rude. We had a talk she went home and i tried calling her she switched off her phone next day she said what do i want from her now and then next day she said do not contact me i thought a lot and its not going to work out now. I did not reply.
After few hours she said she is missing me i said this is just a mood swing (as previously she said i said i miss u cause its was just a mood swing don't make it a mess). Then she called me to meet by texting twice i did not reply to her texts because she would behave so sweetly one day and treat me badly the other day.
I have a few questions to ask Kevin.
As we are already so apart from like 6 months is it okay to implement the no contact rule ? I feel bad for not going to meet her.
Also i want this sorted within a month as we will not have much time to spend together.
Should i text her again ? Its been like 2 days i have not.
She did not text me again after i did not respond to her asking to meet me was that very rude and is that gonna cause any negative effect in view to my scenario.
The previous comment by Anon was by me too please reply here Kevin i seriously need your advise also i have stopped getting your mails.
Hey,
I think you really need to apply no contact rule. In fact, let her know that you need some space and time to think things through and so does she. Then stop contact for one month. You are always available for her. And that shows her that you are needy and desperate. You need to become scarce.
Thanks Kevin.
I was feeling like telling her could make it less effective as she said she thought about it and its not gonna work out.
It feels like the more i try to make her understand things the more she does the same, i don't want the same old relationship again i want it to get better this time.
I am not getting your emails now the last one i got was "And it's called...CONSISTENCY" which i received on 23rd.
Thanks :)
Also Kevin she is kind of sure i am not gonna leave her, so won't telling her that i am not gonna contact make her feel yeah he is coming back to me after some time and she would spend that time without thinking about anything she did and the way she treated me later.
What are your views on this ?
Yeah, in that case, it might be better to start no contact without informing her. Ultimately, you'll have to make the decision if you want to inform her or not. You know both the pros and cons of informing her and not informing her. Also, two more emails have already been sent to you. It might be in your spam box.
Hey Kevin
So My Girl broke up with me on new years after 2 years of going out. We had a really great relationship going on and it looked like I found the one , last year wasent a good year for her, she lost 2 loved ones and she was also stress with school . I love her with all my heart and I wanna win her back, another thing is that it was a long distance relationship, she had a hard time and her family moved up north. after the breakup we talked about the things we would do when I got up there and stuff, then she lost her grandfather. I told her I was here if she needed anything. I guess a mistake I did was I messaged her a day after asking how she was doing, but no responce. I have not talked to her for a month now and It's killing me. I dont know what to do or what to follow. All I want is to get her back soon. What do you recommend?
Contact her again using one of the methods in the article.
It's mentioned in the article. Read Step 4.
When do I know its the right time to contact her again?
See the checklist at the starting of Step 4.
Hey.i had a relationship for about 1.5 years.We were very loved although we were fighting often we always ended up together. The problem is that one time I really got pissed off and slapped her,and it wasn't the first time. After that she started crying and swearing on me. Instinctively I went to hug her and say sorry she just told me to leave and never talk to her again. So I just left. After a couple of days I found out she liked another guy and went to talk to her. She just told me to disappear and never talk to her again. And then I made my biggest mistake. I was begging her for three days,telling her I would change and that I don't care that she wants other and I will do whatever she wants(I even wrote her a letter telling her I am sad and I love her and so). I also talked to that guy who is a friend of mine telling him not to talk to her again and so because I was afraid I would lose her.now we weren't talking for about 5-6 days when she sent me a message that we are over and that I should never bother the guy she likes again and leave her alone. First time I see her that way and I am really sad and want her back,but I think I did a horrible mistake begging her and talking to the guy. What do you recommend me to do? Do I have any chance or shall I really let her move on? I am confused as I don't think she stopped loving me in just a week. What shall I do? Did I made mess or can I do something to get her back. Please help it is very important. Thank you
Hey.i had a relationship for about 1.5 years.We were very loved although we were fighting often we always ended up together. The problem is that one time I really got pissed off and slapped her,and it wasn’t the first time. After that she started crying and swearing on me. Instinctively I went to hug her and say sorry she just told me to leave and never talk to her again. So I just left. After a couple of days I found out she liked another guy and went to talk to her. She just told me to disappear and never talk to her again. And then I made my biggest mistake. I was begging her for three days,telling her I would change and that I don’t care that she wants other and I will do whatever she wants(I even wrote her a letter telling her I am sad and I love her and so). I also talked to that guy who is a friend of mine telling him not to talk to her again and so because I was afraid I would lose her.now we weren’t talking for about 5-6 days when she sent me a message that we are over and that I should never bother the guy she likes again and leave her alone. First time I see her that way and I am really sad and want her back,but I think I did a horrible mistake begging her and talking to the guy. After like 5 days i learnt she is in a relationship with another guy. She seems really happy and from the first day she is starting to upload photos about him on Facebook. I am scared I will lose her because she has negative memories about me and wants to forget me with the help of this guy. Is it a rebound relationship or she really wants to move on? I am suffering please help. What do you recommend me to do? Do I have any chance or shall I really let her move on? I am confused as I don’t think she stopped loving me in just two weeks. What shall I do? Did I made mess or can I do something to get her back. Please help it is very important. Thank you
Hey it's me again. They are one week together and they seem so well together. So I just sent her telling her how couls she forget me so easily and be at least friends. She was talking very rude and dint want to send her again she also said she only has bad memories about us and she feels more about the other guy in one weej than me.i was treating her bad. Help me is she saying those from reaction or do I not have any chance? I don't think it's a rebound and as time flows it's not good for me. Please help it is even more crucial. Thanks
You do have a chance. What she said is simply because she is hurt. Leave her alone for a while.
Hey. Today I saw them from far kissing and they had passion and they both seemed happy. But they saw me watching them and she phoned me but I didn't answer. So you think I should leave her time? Fine but I think she will forget about me and bond more with him she seems happy and she also told me yesterday that she only has bad memories and she only remembers me hitting her. What shall I do? I don't think Ihave a dchance. If I shall leave her time how mutch should it be? Thanks
Hey George,
Since you both are young, I'll recommend you should try to move on. Since she is young, your chances of getting back together are less. Girls her age are extremely confused about their feelings and you'll likely be wasting your time and energy waiting for her.
Oh really? We seemed so well together. Never mind I will try. Thank you
Hey Kevin, hope you are doing fine!
I read all the plan and steps you advice and it is excellent! Thanks!
I was in a relationship with my ex for 8 months. She is 19 and I am 33; although she is young she has always been very mature even more than me in some aspects of life and we have both learned from each other and made better human beings out of each other too. We have a lot of things in common, pretty much we are soul mates and we both recognize it, we enjoy everything we do together including sex which has been terrific and we both agree on that too; we loved each other very much. We have been on and off for about a month and a half and the problem before that was that even though most of the times we were cool, having good times, I treated her right there were times in which I was mad and was impulsive and said things to her that did not mean (not calling her names or anything like that but did say things that hurt her) and I also lack of confidence a little bit with her due to a bad experience I had in a past relationship. I did like her to spend time with her friends, go out, dress whatever she wants and never had a problem with any of that but did had my mental issues with stupid things like the use of social networks like Google talk, G+ and Instagram (We don´t do FB because a decision made by both of us). She also lacked a little confidence in me on the same matter but it was less that mine. She broke up with me for the first time a month and a half ago due to these two situations even though she lacked on confidence a couple of times too and was also rude to me a couple of times as well. I would say 65% - 70% of why we broke up was my fault and the rest is hers. As off today she has broke up with me three times during the last month and a half and even though she recognized that I have improved greatly in my confidence on her and the way we argue (I learned the lesson the first and second time she broke up with me and realized she is a great girl and I can fully trust in her and she can do the same and also to never be rude with her again when arguing) she stated she does not feel the same strength to continue with me even though she says she loves me and she sees me as an excellent partner. I have pretty much committed every mistake you mentioned: I was intense, texted her, begged her, told her how much I love her, went nuts with it and did work the first couple of times and we were back together and ok but the stupidest lesser difference we had made her argue with me and while I was attempting to calm things down she was angry and saying things she did not mean. Off course she asked me to forgive her but she was back to the same position that she did not feel the same to continue the relationship. She started to lack confidence in me after the last break up because I was attempting to have cero contact with her, she thought I was seeing somebody already and even got to block me from what´s app since did not like the pics I was posting as profile pic or acknowledge I was online and talking extensively to somebody else. I had to talk to her and explained that none of that was happening and that she can continue trusting me as if we were still a couple and that she was the one that ended our relationship. After that we started to talk as friends and try to be nice with each other but we just can´t be pretending to be friends if it is not what we both want so we decided last Sunday (March 23rd) to have cero contact. We also decided to delete each other from what´s up and instagram (Which I opened my account 5 days ago because she wanted me to) in order to avoid contact but neither of us did it and I am cool with it since I wanted to demonstrate her that I trust her on that matter and that I have changed. We have both been successful with the null contact during the last two days with each other but yesterday (Monday 24th) she” liked” a picture of us I had on instagram which is the only one I have with her and has been there for the 5 days( which is the same time my Instagram account has existed) and she decided to “like it” yesterday after we had agreed on cero contact. Why did she do that?? I did not respond, did not texted her or anything up until today. She also uploaded a picture after one minute after she liked my pic with a message that said something like “Things will get better”. Dunno what it means, if she refers to “better” as a couple together or away from each other. What do you think? Do we have a future? IS she over it as she is saying she is? It is hard for me to accept that since a couple of weeks ago she was telling me she loved me and talking to her friends and even in front of her mom (I also was there) that we had plans on getting married or at least live together and then a couple of days after she doesn´t want anything with me. I am planning on give her space this time cause I know she is tired of me texting her, talking and asking questions about the relationship still and I am sure that is the main reason why she wants to be away from me. Hopefully I will endure the 30 days you recommend, this is my third day. I am just thinking and convincing myself we won´t be together anymore and continue my life and thinking positively way since I don´t want to be disappointed if after the 30 days her decision remains. Since our relationship was not that long but very intense I dunno if I should wait 30 days or if it could be less (I thought 22 days or so, my birthday is in 8 days and she will probably say something to me but I was planning on just say thanks to her and continue with cero contact)
Thanks in advance from your advice and I apologize on any grammar errors, English isn´t my first language.
I think you should do 30 days (ultimately it's your decision and 22 days will also serve the purpose). You should not obsess too much about the "things will get better" remark. In my opinion, even she didn't know what she meant. So thinking about that is going to do you no good.
Yea, I was thinking 22 days in an attempt to speed up things and also having second thoughts that she would forget about me or start seeing somebody else but as you said in your plan she won´t forget what we had or me and if she starts seeing somebody in this period (which I really don´t think she will) it would be a casual date or a rebound relationship. I have continued to work on the areas I failed and she probably knows this since she even admitted before we lost contact that I made an effort to do things better and also had improved significantly and she was the one whose attitude wasn´t correct by that moment. Based on your experience how do you see my chances if I go 30 days?? Thank you very much for your help and advice.
Yea, I know what you mean. The no contact purpose isn´t meant only to make your ex feel liberated, and start missing you and the good things the relationship had but to use that same time for you as a human being, feel confident and ok been alone. I was intense with her but did realize that was taking me anywhere before I got to your site. Since I am 33 I know how it works, life isn´t gonna end if she decides not to come back and I one good thing is I do have luck finding woman to go out. I don´t feel comfortable doing it right now that´s all but I know when the time is right will sure do it. I am feeling better every day the no contact goes on and will probably be ready to talk to her before the 30 days but I do think she needs the time to heal, desintoxicate and be ready to talk to me and see where that takes us to. Thanks for your response and help...
Hey Kevin,
Condit here. I just wanted to thank you for all the free support you give to so many people around the world by spreading your relationship knowledge. This has been a really helpful tool and thanks to you, after 7 days following the no contact rule I feel much more confident, relaxed and focused on improving as a single human being and not by been dependant of my ex girlfriend.
Let me tell you that on the fourth day of the NC I had to go visit my ex girlfriend´s mother in order to deliver her a birthday gift. I had already bought it for her and since I knew my girlfriend was at work by the moment I was going to pass by and deliver the gift, that was a great chance to do it . My “ex” mother agreed to receive the gift I bought for her and invited me to a cup of coffee, we spoke about stuff for a while, nothing related to anything between the relationship of her daughter and myself. The first thing I asked my “ex” mother was that I did not want to pass by whenever my ex was home. She agreed with my request and my ex wasn´t there but my ex did know I was going to pass by (her mother probably told her). My ex called her mother while I was at their place and they had a really stupid awkward conversation in which I am pretty sure my ex told her to keep me busy at their place because she was on her way home. Her mother attempted to do that but at one point in the conversation she let me know that my ex was coming home...by that moment I stopped our conversation and said I had to leave. My mother in law (if I can call her that way) was surprised because she never expected me to say I wanted to leave after all the chasing I did to her daughter a few days ago.
I just gave her a hug and said that I had to leave. I did not see my ex nor had any type of contact with her. That same night my ex sent me several what’s app messages, was really pissed probably because I did not wanted to see her even though she was about to arrive at her place and I was there, she also let me know how fed up and jealous she was of me finding or going out with other girls, how she doesn´t like my what´s app pictures in which I am doing nothing else but living my live and enjoying it without her. She also said that she missed me and has been thinking a lot about me (She did not say she loved me and I kinda was expecting her to say it but I guess is ok!), that the time we have been without contact has helped her a lot and it was necessary (And it is true since I was all over her chasing). I won´t lie saying I didn´t respond her messages but it was pretty short, just responded her stupid questions and insecurities and then told her that we both needed time to think. That was yesterday morning and we continued our NC successfully since then.
One thing I did notice today is that she stopped with her negative status messages over what´s app that were directed towards me and today she added a status message that said something like "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning". I do not want to assume it is directed to me but since she sent me all those messages a couple of days ago letting me know how aware of what I do she is I just think a message like that is positive for my intentions.
What do you think about it? Did my possibilities to get her back increased even though she never mentioned she loves me??? She did say she has been missing me and thinking a lot about me. She isn´t ready yet and to be honest I am not ready to talk to her and ask her out either; I think is too soon and we could fall all the way back to the problems we had. We both need more time to heal, let her miss me more, realize she really wants to be with me, get our things straight in our minds and then we can talk. I am planning on going 15-20 more days on NC.
Thanks in advance for your help and response, really really appreciate it man.
Condit!
That's great Condit. Yes, your chances have definitely increased and the signs she is showing means that she still has feelings for you and probably loves you as well. I agree with your plan of doing 15-20 days of NC.
Hey kevin,
I just wanted to keep you updated. On the 10th day of NC temptation defeated me and I spoke to my ex. We had a brief chat in which she stated that she has been missing me a lot, that she has had the feeling of wanting to be with me (spend time together) and she said she has cried a lot during this time. She said she has to clarify her thoughts because she is not positive yet on what she wants and thinks right at this moment. From my point of view there has been an improvement since 10 days ago she stated that we were through and there was no point of return for us but she still isn’t sure if she wants me back in her life. I have continued with NC and I am still hoping for the best…I guess I need to give her more time.
Hi Kevin
So I met this guy who I thought was amazing. Our parents grew up with each other and he and his family were home for his grandmothers funeral. "Thor" and I hit it off after I met him and showed him a good time while he was visiting. We went ice skating. We fell so hard for each other even though there was distance between us over the next 4 months. Because of this, I went out on a limb and flew out to see him New Years Eve. The trip will never be forgotten. I got treated like a queen, but this fairy tale didn't have a good ending. The same month I came home things went down hill. Since we talked 24/7 like a married couple checking in, convo's got boring at times. One night "Thor" called me out on it and it hurt my feelings, so I wanted to ignore him for a day. Doing this annoyed him because he wished me a good day and I didn't respond. I apologized over and over for my mistake, but he wasn't having it and said I acted a complete ass.
Things were rocky for the next month and because we were so into each other and considered the other our soul mate we tried to stay in touch, but it wasn't working. So I suggested saying goodbye and coming back later (maybe a yr or two). He was not happy with that, and cracked the same week saying he missed me and hates not hearing from me, so I kept in contact with him. I thought we could go back to talking on a consistent basis but I was wrong. When he wouldn't reply I flipped out and pulled the "you're not that busy card" The next day or two I didn't hear from him I wished him a good day, but obviously he was still fuming. "Thor" stepped all over me through text with his anger and I admitted to him it felt like shots to my heart. I agreed to let him go but was lost because just before he would not let me do closure. This "no contact" rule is extremely hard because "Thor" is a diamond in the ruff. I have went out on different dates and attempted to have a good time, but I just want my number 1 supporter back in my life. I can't even understand why he let something so little as me ignoring him for a day ruined what we built; there has got to be more to it than I know. Its been 13 days, how do I continue to hold on?
Give him time. No contact is hard but it is effective. If you want, you can contact him beforehand and let him know that you will be doing no contact for a month. It will give both of you some much needed space and time.
Hi Kevin-
I'm so confused and would love your advice! My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago, but yet we haven't gone more than 2 or 3 days without talking. When we broke up, he had come over, crying and written me a letter saying how he just isn't sure about the future and if he can emotionally ever get to forever with someone. Says that he's messed up emotionally and isn't sure what's wrong, but he does know that I've made him a better person, never felt so in love with someone before and maybe that's scaring him. I should've stopped talking to him then, but you know it's hard because I do love him. (We are 31 years old and live basically across the street from each other). We did go through a 2 month period where we continued to hang out daily, but when it came back to what was going on between us, he still couldn't give me an answer. I guess that's because I never did give him the time to figure stuff out. Just this last Saturday, he was facetiming me telling me that he loves me and couldn't wait to see me on Sunday. (Mind you, he took another date to a wedding that Saturday night). Fast forward to yesterday morning after I left his house and spending all previous day with him, he texted me: "I hope you feel okay, I know I haven't made things easy, if that's even possible...I love you" I didn't respond, next text "I'm feeling really sad today, I had to come home , so I can't imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry" Again I didn't respond "I'm so sad and confused...I don't know what to do." " I wish I could take all your sadness and put it on me and give you all the anwers you need" "I love you dearly and I'm so scared that I"m ruining things that may be meant to be" "Everything I told you is true, I just need to figure things out myself." What do I do? Mind you, I know he's been dating someone for a couple months now since we've broken up. He tells me "I've only known her for a little while now, and things haven't profressed as fast as they did between us" And he sent me flowers on V-Day. He tells me all the time he loves me, but I can't help but think he is just keeping me in his back pocket. Do you think he means all this stuff? If he didn't, why string me along for the last 6 months, when he is clearly dating someone else? Is there any hope you think? I should go without talking to him, but I'm afraid he'll fall for this new girl and forget about me.
You are his backup. Stop being his backup. Apply the no contact rule. Give him a taste of what will happen when he loses you forever.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me and i did all the mistakes you mentioned up there but its been a month i applied the no contact rule. Last week he texted me asking how i am .. i replied and after tht we dint talk .. Yesterday was his birthday so i wished him today & his reply seemed that he was expecting my message. and also i brought alot changes in my life as well. Do you hink I should expect him to talk to me again? or meet me up.
Hello, I am sorry to bother you but I really need your advice..
I was with my boyfriend for one and a half year and I cheated him.. We were on a long distance relationship the past 4 months but I saw him every weekend. of course the moment I cheated him I regretted it and wanted to forget all about it but he found out and came and told me. He was really upset and was very harsh with me. I begged him, I told him how sorry I was and did everything to make him forgive me. I went to his house in our hometown the same day, a week after I went to the town he lives, a month later I went again to his house and gave him a dairy with photographs of ours. He did not change his mind and during all this time he sent me twice and blamed me for several things that had nothing to do with us and that were not even close to be my fault. I guess he was really mad about the fact that I cheated on him.
At first I thought that whatever he would tell me, he would be right and that I had to endure everything. however when I went to his house a month after he had found out I asked him if he thought I made everything I could to get back together and he told me that I did. I knew that I couldn't make anything else and that I had to take care of myself (I am having my final exams for entering the university in two months). So I stopped talking to him, texting him, talking to his friends and everything I did previously. Then one day he sent me and asked me how I was. We talked for a couple of hours and I was really cool during our conversation. We did not talk about our relationship, and even when he told me he is in our hometown I did not comment on that.
Then he had his nameday and I sent him and as we talked he told me that he has a blouse of mine and I told him that I also had a blouse of his and that we should meet to exchange. I will see him in 10 days in a festival we will both be.
How should I react? I mean I know I screw up and that it was my fault but I really did everything I could (I did even more things than I am telling you right now, but I cannot write everything). He has told me how much he loves me but he told me that he cannot forgive me and that I've heart him so much..
When I see him should I tell him again that I want to get back together but be less pushy? Or should I play it cool and that I have gotten over him? I really want to be with him and I don't know what to do or say. In two months I will be done with my exams and he will be done with his university so its not that our relationship will be continue to be long distance..
Please help me, thank you very much for your time and I hope that I didn't bore you that much.. :P
Don't tell him you want to get back together. Don't try to convince him you've moved on. Just be happy, confident and fun. Have a good time. Stay in touch with him for the two months (have the same attitude, have fun) and then try to meet him again when you are in the same town.
Kevin,
My boyfriend And I were together for 9 months and he recently just broke up with me after saying that I was a mental distraction to him! He is preparing for the NFL draft! He broke up with me and cut me off! We were together for 9 months! I'm n shock because he told me that we would be together no matter what! I feel used and now since he is preparing for the draft, he doesn't need me anymore! I've been texting him and he responds with 1 word or is very dry! When he gets bored he may text with a little conversation! I am very hurt right now! He told me that he needed to get himself together but I see him all on the social media going out and having fun! What shall I do? The day before he broke up with me he told me that he loved me! I'm not understanding!
Follow the advise in the article. Unfriend him from social media. It's going to defeat the purpose of no contact if he keeps on popping up on your social media accounts.
Kevin,
I am not friends with him on any social media. Every now and then I would look at his facebook but his instagram is private. I am just having a hard time with him cutting me off and replying back 1 word. I texted him good luck yesterday on his pro day and that was it. he did reply back with "Thanks, those words mean alot to me. I will do my best" and that is all he said. I did reply back with, "you mean the world to me and your happiness playing football exceeds everything." He did not reply back. So today I plan to follow the 30 day NC Rule. I still think about him but not as much like last week. Each week gets better. What shall I do now?
Kevin,
May I add to the fact that he is 22 and I am 29. He told me that he needed to get himself together first and he also told me not to contact him to check his status/progress every 2 weeks. That comment really hurt my feelings.
Continue with no contact. What you are going through is extremely common. But if you follow the plan, you will start feeling better.
Kevin,
I have been following the plan. My whole thing is that next month is the NFL Draft. I know once he makes it he will forget about me. What do I do here? He has been trying to contact me like 3x but I am following the NC Rule. I think he contacted me because he was in the area. Im still at awe and is still thinking about him all day every day.
Kesha,
If you think he will forget you when he makes it, do you really want to be with him? Do you think he will stay with you if you somehow got back together before he is selected? Anyways, contact him a week or two before draft and try to meet up.
Hi Kevin,
So my girlfriend had broken up with me after chasing me a lot and i had realized the part where i was wrong and i said sorry for it and chased her too. I apologized in every single way and did everything. The problem was that she treated me very badly during this time, one day she would say that she missed me and would like to meet next day she would say why do you even wanna meet me don't ever talk to me so and so this happened for like a month and i got really frustrated with this behavior, so one day she said bye its over i did not respond at all the next day she said she wanna meet me i did not respond too because she already did this many times she would ask me to meet i would go but when i asked the same she would deny it. Its been just a day since then. I want things to be sorted because we are going to be in college and don't have more than 2 months left. If i text her now asking to meet she will surely deny, i know i had made a mistake but i she behaved way too weirdly.
Hi There - I could really use some specific advice. Seven years ago, I met and experienced "love at first sight" with "J". He felt the same. I did not live in the same city, and while we had one AMAZING date, by the time I moved to the city, he had started dating someone else. He dated her for five years, and we remained friends. About two years ago, he showed up at my doorstep, saying he was in love with me, had been discussing with his therapist why his current relationship wasn't working, and he'd realized it had been me all long. I told him to sort out his current situation before coming back, and sent him away. He did, moved out and broke up with her, and we started dating withing two months.
Needless to say, he had a hard time actually letting go of her once they broke up. They were still in relatively close contact. I did not disallow it, but I did make it clear that if they were going to remain friend, she had to meet and integrate with me. Of course, she never would. He allowed this because "we had to respect her feelings". They went through periods of no contact, and she did know he was dating me, but they shared cats and always got back in touch. This caused a lot of fights between he and I, because I felt he was putting her feelings before mine. Over time, I became very triggered whenever I felt he was putting anyone's feelings before mine (almost always involved her, but sometimes not as I was on high alert after chronically feeling like he wasn't always on "my team"). He did shift over about a year, but at that point, the damage was pretty done and we fought about every 1-3 weeks over something, nothing...great, amazing times in between, but always a fight.
Recently, he broke up with me, saying he just couldnt see a way to end the fighting. He is still in contact with his ex and I am worried they will get back together.
He said over the course of our relationship that he had a connection with me he never had with her, more intimacy, better sex, more potential. However, he also said that things were easy with her and they were never easy with me -- that distance made him appreciate her more and that she was simply "sweet" and "insecure, needed him" while I was "strong" and "independent". Basically, he loves us both.
I'm wondering if this is a lost cause and I should just accept that he will end up back with her and I lost him due to my nitpicking -- and she won due to her refusal to accept me and passive aggressive competition over the last year and half. Since they still share cats and a whole group of friends, and he never integrated with my friends, it would be easy for him to go back -- first "as friends" of course, but over time, we all know what she wants out of this. She never gave up waiting and hoping, accepted anything, and remained " sweet". I, on the other had, was demanding. However, his connection with me was/is stronger on an intellectual, spiritual, and sexual level.
Is there a chance for us again, or do I need to let him go? I have read your plan, and she basically followed it during their break up and afterward. I know I have to get my life together before seeing/hearing from him again (when he broke up with me, I told him I needed space to get over him and could't have him in my life right now -- that I wasn't "her" (whoops).) He said, as he broke up with me, that he still wanted to be with me, still loved me, but that he simply couldn't take the fighting, and it had to be this way. I know he also tells her he still loves her, but can't be with her because they are not a good match/he needs someone he has a more dynamic connection with (which was me).
Seven years ago, the moment I met him I was sure he was The One. We were really happy even just two weeks ago -- I do know he still loves me and is sad over the break up.
I could really use some advice on this complex situation. I do want to be with him. I do love him deeply.
Yes, there is a chance for you to get him back. Since she followed the plan, you should do the same. Your chances are pretty good in my opinion.
Kevin,
I followed your plan throughout 30 days and I recently sent her a letter accepting the breakup and apologizing, along with so experiences I've had. (Like the guide) I later got a reply via text-message saying "I forgive you. Just let it go." I responded saying on how I wanted to let go, but wanted to be on good terms, and friends. She replied "Okay thanks (:" I didn't reply because i had nothing to say. This morning I was in a good mood and texted her "Have a great day (:" only to get a lackluster response of "Likewise." I don't know what's going on. I feel she is still mad and moving on is the best idea, however if there is a chance, I'd like to be with her again.
You can try again with one of the texts mentioned in the article in a few weeks.
Hi there, my ex broke up with me at the beginning of this year, I havent been coping to well with it and we've had very minimal contact over 3 months, I being the one doing most of the contacting. I have sent emails, txt messages, tried calling and he barely replies but when we do talk, he still says to me "you know I love you but I don't know if we should be together" During our time together, I had 2 abortions and and miscarriage 5 months ago and we've been dealing with ALOT of emotional grief but yet still had kept trying to stay together. I;ve tried to do no contact but I ALWAYS give in and end up contacting him. Do you think we still have a chance of getting back together if I be strong and stick to no contacting for 30 days? We were together for 4 years, this wouldve been our 5th year in 2014. I appreciate the advice from this website very much, thank you :)
Hi Kevin,
My partner of 4 years broke up with me 4 months back and I have been struggling to recover from the shock. I have to admit that I committed all of the deadly mistakes! I stumbled up on your site and am now following the No Contact rule. Its just been 3 days now, but I do feel that I am in control. But I find myself thinking about him and get a little sad about the whole situation. I am making all positive changes in my life, taking up yoga, running, salsa and focusing on my career. Do you have any advice on what to do during the No Contact period if I find myself thinking too much about my ex? Any help will be appreciated :) thank you again!
Hey Ambica,
It's completely normal for you to think about your ex. How about this, give yourself a time during the day to obsess about him. Say one or two hours. Think about him as much as you can. When the time is over, get back to being happy and concentrating on yourself. You are doing great. All the best.
Hi. I need advice. I was dating a guy for three months and it got very hot and heavy real fast. We talked about marriage, moving in together and growing old together even. I have a tendency to be mean to people that are trying to get close to me as a defense mechanism and I tried pushing him away multiple times. Recently tho, we got in an argument, I went out with friends and got drunk and then since I was being ignored called and left inappropriate mean messages that I couldn't recall. I was then ignored for almost two days and got a message saying I would like to come by and talk. He came over and told me he loved me to death but pieces of him can't stand me. That he knows we are perfect for each other but he can't and will not be in turmoil about how he feels. He even let out a tear for the first time. Two days later I got a message from him at around 1030 pm saying that his life feels empty without me and he knows time heels all and said that even though he misses me,he knows he is in charge of his happiness. After that he said he had to go to bed b/c he was exhausted and I remember writing him during those messages telling him how sorry i was. The next night, I was having a few girls sleep over and I ended up getting a message saying "hey...i'm a jerk.. i wanted to see you..just see you b/c i missed you so much..but it sounds like you are having a party over..sorry"..i wrote back "no come" and he said "i'm already here..i feel like an ass..embarrassed." Anyways I ran out and got him. hugged him, he held my face and told me how beautiful i was and how much he missed me. he told me he had a dream with his brother and me in it and thats the reason he is here. His brother passed away about 6 years ago and in three days it would've been his 29th birthday. Anyways the girls and him hung out and we semi flirted and he entertained my friends which he's met before. Around 2 am, I told them I'm was going to steal him and we went to my room. He wouldn't kiss me earlier but we did end up kissing and one thing let to another and you get the picture. During the night he told me his family (meaning his two best friends) are going to be hard on us. He said they don't understand us and honestly if it's going to ruin our friendship then they obviously weren't that great of friends to begin with and that he had gotten in a tiff with one of his friends earlier that night b/c he was annoyed that he never supports his decisions and he always is supportive to his friend. He told me that he told him it was his life and he's the one that has to live with his decisions not his friend. Anyways he got up early for work and left but before leaving he came over and held my face, told me time heals all and that he loves me. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and he told me he would be waiting. When I woke up I messaged him and told him thank you for coming over last night, you made my day, and that i truly truly love you. he told me he loved me and that he had a great night and hope i have a great day and then i told him i hope you do too. Later that night a few of us were going to see a movie he wanted to see. I invited him and he told me he was at dinner and that he wanted to have a low key night b/c he was beyond exhausted. I told him that I wouldn't mind having a low key night too b/c I had to work the next two days (sat and sunday) and i know we hadn't really gotten to talk last night. he told me he was just going to go home but he really did appreciate the invite but he doesn't want to rush back into anything and he hopes i understand. two hours later he called me and of course i was in the movie. he told me he was about to head to bed and that i should message him when i get out of work tomrrow and we can talk then. I messaged him after work the next day and then called him too. I haven't heard anything from him and its been over 48 hours. Today is his brothers birthday and I haven't messaged him either. I don't understand it. He knows I love him, I told him when we were breaking up that I felt like our souls were meant to be together and he said felt the same way. We had talked about that before, we had discussed many future plans together. I'm not sure if he just doesn't understand what he wants so thats why hes ignoring me, or he just doesn't care or maybe he met someone. I believe he is a standup guy who doesn't play games. I felt, for once in my life, that I could truly trust him. Could his friends convinced him I wasn't worth it? what is your take on all this.
It's too soon to tell. My guess is as good as yours. Give him a couple of weeks and if he doesn't contact you by then, you give him a call.
My situation is really bad, and admittedly it will be almost impossible to get back, but I would like your input, hope :)
I'd been seeing him for 8 months nothing serious and nothing committal. he decided to end it because he wants to see other women and be a single man, we had a huge fight, I did all of the mistakes you mentioned...a lot! the end was that he blocked me off his fb and phone and I cannot contact me, he wants nothing to do with me. We both said some nasty things, I acted crazy, but I don't think I'm a crazy person: these things are action-reaction, you don't just wake up one day and be a crazy woman/man.
In any case, at this point I only want to start talking with him again, and start being friends or friendly, and not hating each other. I do have some weight to lose, and that might help. We are on a different page but I do love him and the thought that he hates me and thinks that I'm the worst woman in the world is too painful.
What do you think? Right now i'm giving him a lot of space, no run-ins (we work together) at all.
Thank you!
He is just angry and I don't think it's completely hopeless. You are doing the right thing. His anger will subside slowly and he will forget about the negativity of the breakup and start remembering the good times you had together.
At this point he is asking for distance and unsure if he even wants to be friends or if we can be friends. He told me he only has a grain of sand of hope left for us in an ocean. That was really painful to hear. He also said he thought he liked me last week but now doesn't think he does. I gave him some distance and he came to the conclusion that he doesn't think he wants to get back together, I'm afraid anymore distance and he will 100% not want us, he already told me that we are not going to get back together.
When you said there was hope did you mean it was miniscule too?
He's starting to seem more sure of his choice and that hes already in one month moving on from a serious two year relationship. Is there only a grain of hope, how can I help him have hope and regain those feelings of attraction. I've tried dressing up and looking happy and told him I have made changes, but nothing since a week ago.
Well, you need to approach him from a different angle. If you tell him you want to get back together, he is going to put his defenses up and is going to tell you that there is very less chance of reconciliation. Tell him you agree with the breakup and it was probably for the best. And then start hanging out with him as friends and go out with him as often as you can.
I'm on day 9 of the 30 day NC and I'm still missing my ex. My question is if after 30 days of no contact (and I've done other things like dating etc) and I still miss my ex, should I contact her, or should I wait longer until I no longer miss her?
You should contact her. However, if you are still obsessing over her and you still feel like you need her in your life to be happy, you should wait longer.
Hey! So, my ex and I were together for 5 years and 8 months. We broke up 7 months ago. He's been on dates and has even slept with someone else and I've basically spent the last 7 months pining for him. (btw, we continued a sexual relationship until December and he slept with the girl after I ended that). I had previously tried no contact but it lasted 3 weeks before he began calling&texting me for 3 days straight. I got my hopes up only to have them crushed again. Anyway, we met up last week and that's when I had the bright idea to ask if he'd slept with anyone else and at first he didn't want to tell me but eventually he did, and I felt like we had broken up all over again. Later that night he emailed me that he still cares deeply about me and that he never knew how to say it but he's sorry he left and that he feels like he betrayed me and us. I told him that he doesn't have to be sorry because I wasn't lying when I told him that all I want for him is for him to be happy and if leaving me was necessary for his happiness then that's something I have to deal with and that he should never let anyone get in the way of his happiness. And then, a couple days later I went to a friend's house not expecting him to show up (he hated being cooped up when it's nice weather outside) but he ended up coming anyway and when he tried to hug me I just shook my head no and tried to ignore him the rest of the time and I could tell he noticed but twice he spoke directly to me.
I am going to give no contact a go again without giving myself a time limit (basically, whenever I feel that I am over him I'll contact him) but I wanted to know if you think it could bring him back to me. I just really need the opinion of someone who doesn't know either of us. Thank you.
Kevin....my ex broke up with me a few days before our 10 month anniversary. This surprised the hell out of me and came out of left field. We were perfect together, we never had one fight, an argument or two yea, but nothing that caused us to stay mad at each other..everything was going perfect. She told me I was an amazing bf and I was the most thoughtful and patient person she'd ever meet. Her reasoning for breaking up with me was that she's always wanted to be a mom since she was little, but now she's 25 and it's no longer a dream and it could actually happen now and she got freaked out when she thought about it. She said she barley knows who she is and there's a lot she needs to do before she commits herself to another person. She said her feelings were truly genuine, but she realized she was rushing it for the wrong reasons and doesn't think her feelings would have progressed the way they would've if she wasn't so concern with marriage.
I told her I understand what she's saying but once she experiences things on her own she's going to see how perfect we were together and how no one can treat her as well as I did. She said that might very well be the case but it's one of those things she won't know until she sees it herself. That she has to be selfish right now before she commits to someone. Said we both need to go out and not be afraid to date other people. She said she has no plans to start dating anytime soon, but when she does, it might lead her back to me. Left saying she really believes that if it's meant to be, it'll be.
What's your advice? We gave each other back all of stuff today and it was the first time I spoke with her since last Tuesday. I'm already going to give her the time and space she needs, but I want to make sure I'm still on her mind. I was thinking of sending her something like every other week.
What are your thoughts Kevin? I'm willing to do anything I need to do. Thanks!
It'll be better to give her a couple of months of no contact (possibly even more) and then contact her. If you try to stay in touch once every week, it's going to make you look needy and it's going to make her less attracted to you.
I have tried the no contact thing for a full week and i have done it strictly...however he hasnt tried to contact me at all...somehow i feel that his no contact towards me is a sign that he is moving on and doesnt care about me me nemore...i see that he changes his profile picture often to show whats he is doin and stuff... is it that because he isnt hearng from me that he has moved on and forgetten about me?I am feeling hopeless...
It doesn't really mean he has forgotten about you. It could be he is not calling you out of ego or perhaps, he read about the no contact rule and he is applying it himself.
My ex broke up with me just over a month ago, and it felt like it came out of the blue. We'd been really good and had been on a romantic week away only a few weeks earlier. He's had some difficult things going on in his family and he said that he felt he couldn't allow himself to be emotionally available whilst dealing with it. The confusing thing is that he totally pursued me and his the issues he used when breaking up with me were there when we met. I'd held off in taking things to seriously to start off with as I've been messed around a lot in the past, but he told me he'd be patient (which he was), and that I was the best thing that had happened to him. I'm also the longest he's been with someone and even his sister said she'd never known him spend so long with someone.
A few days before we split he'd been a bit quieter than usual, but nothing major. Naturally I asked him to think it over, and that I could be there for him with all that he's going through. He said he felt he needed to be on his own, but that he didn't want to lose me. I explained that I'd find it difficult to be friends as I obviously still had feelings, and he said he'd find it difficult if I were to meet anyone else, but that he'd just have to be a man about it. Having talked in length we sent a couple of texts the following week but then I stopped and gave him space. I went out with friends on some nights out and then he text me.... I spoke to him over the phone and he asked me to meeting him where he worked (in a bar), that Friday. I explained I was on a night out with friends, but he said we should all go down. Gradually everyone left and we were left talking, as we walked to go home he took my hand and led me into a club where we we ended up dancing and having a great night til the early hours and the next day he text to say how much fun he'd had.
I sent a message a few days later and heard nothing back. This was over two weeks ago and we haven't spoken since (I've also been busy in a show which has been a good distraction), but then his birthday pops up! I text to say happy birthday and received a nice message back, and all I want to do is call him!
I don't know what to do. I feel as though I've been quite restrained and have been able to hold off texting, but now what? Is it too early for anything else? Is there any hope? Everyone was so shocked that we'd broken up, and he's the first person I've felt I'm myself around.
Thoughts?
Thanks
Hey Kevin,
My situation is a little more complicated (btw sorry if my English sounds strange, I'm from Hungary) but I will try to keep it short - I would really like to hear Your opinion and advice.
So, we've been very good friends with a girl since 2008, not seeing each other too much, maybe 5-6 times a year, but always flirting. I am 31, she is 30. We had many chances to get together, but we didn't, for 5 years. Somehow we were afraid of rejection, therefore we didn't even touch each other, although we've been sleeping in the same rooms after parties... In the meantime she got married (in 2011) and I did also, in 2012.
Somehow (maybe due to the "secure feeling" of being married, and having some weaknesses in our marriages), in June 2013 we made it happen. The idea was to have fun once.
This "fun" repeated in August, but we went too far: we started to have strong emotions that we didn't expect. Sex was so perfect and chemicals started to work so strong that we both fell in love, so deeply that we totally ignored everything else (marriages, work, families, friends, etc.) for months. Of course we played it in secret, but after a while we simply recognized that we can't live like this, and decided to get divorced.
Since October we've been waiting for the right moment, all the way in secret. We decided to survive Christmas with our husband/wife, and proceed in January/February with moving away. We both treated our partners poorly, having no sex, etc. to give them a clear warning about what will happen. Yes, it was disgusting, but we had no better idea. As a last resort, we would have told them the truth, just to let us go.
After many months of suffering, the girl's husband discovered our secret. Not even a small amount, but basically everything, which is simply too much for anyone to accept. I felt even sorry for him, I never wanted to hurt anyone - the same way we didn't want to hurt my wife either. They just didn't deserve it - but they didn't deserve us playing our roles anymore either.
So, after few days they decided to divorce. In the meantime (due to our empty marriage) I agreed with my wife as well about getting divorced. She never discovered what really went down, but she agreed anyway, as she didn't enjoy the "new me".
But something bad happened: the husband started to play with the emotions of the girl, making big dramas, when he was sick (he had a heart condition!) he refused to go to the doctor, etc. so he was doing pretty childish stuff just to keep the girl with himself. As a very last solution, he offered her that he will forgive everything if she stays with him.
Guess what. The girl accepted his offer.
She was really in love with me, we had the best time of our lives together. I moved away, rented a flat for both of us, but she moved here for a day only, then moved back to her husband, saying that she simply can not leave him. She is still attached somehow to him, and she can't let him go. (her decision is not influenced by financials, etc. only feelings for sure).
Although my friends try to cheer me up, they all agree that she is doing a mistake. The guy is famous of being a good manipulator, and he actually emotionally tortured his previous girlfriend before leaving her (she cheated on him too). Now my love is simply put OFFLINE: her facebook account is deactivated (she loved to use FB), she blocked my phone numbers so I can't call or text her, she is not reading her personal emails. She is not answering to the calls of our common friends either, although we know that they are important for her, she loved our team.
Her brother is calling me sometimes, saying that he really wanted me to save her from our marriage. He is the only one that could talk to her, but actually she said that she doesn't even want to talk to me, she decided to leave me, go back to her husband and she has nothing else to say. In the meantime she doesn't seem to be honestly happy.
When she broke up with me I saw that her eyes and her lips are not telling the same. She was cold and tough while we moved out her stuff from the flat, but still, I got some oral sex in the last minute...
She seems to be definitely confused. I am afraid she is even terrorized at home. Still, her brother recommended me the same as You Kevin: no contact. Let her clean her thoughts up.
What do you think? Can their 3 year old relationship survive such a hit? Especially knowing that the guy knows EVERYTHING (he hacked her phone and read all the nasty messages, all the love confessions, our future plans, etc.)? Or is it possible that he is only playing with her to make her suffer?
To be honest, I just want her to be safe and happy, that's my primary goal. Secondary is to get her back (I can't fix my marriage anyway).
What do you think I should do? Really remain silent and wait? She seemed to be pissed off, even frustrated when I called her after our break-up. She said she is 100% concentrating on fixing her marriage. This sounds very strange as 2 days earlier she said she was the happiest on Earth to finally move in a flat together with me... Although she plays tough, she seems to me totally confused.
We are 2 weeks after the break-up, and my last email I sent to her 2 days ago. Then I read this article and decided to stop looking for her... but am I doing this right?
Your help is highly appreciated.
I think she is just feeling guilty for hurting her husband and is trying to make up for it. His drama is just adding to her guilt. I don't think it will work out in the end. Perhaps, when his health gets better, she will realize she can leave him again. You are right, you need to give her time. In my opinion, she can not find happiness in this guilt-ridden relationship no matter how hard she tries. And if she doesn't find happiness, she will eventually get tired and start looking for it elsewhere.
Thank You Kevin!
Actually You have just confirmed what I thought so far - although it doesn't mean that she'll find her way back to me. She is exactly the type who is influenced by feeling guilty. But where has the LOVE gone? Does she still have the feeling? Or can the guilt be so strong that it kills her feelings towards me?
I can almost guarantee that she still has feelings for you. That's why she is avoiding talking to you. And I don't think her feelings will go away easily, even if she tries.
I have a suitor that I like before (that was 2012), but we have not been in a relationship, that was just dating. He will be getting married for the next 3 months. But I don't like the girl that she will be marrying. And I want him to be attracted to me again. Help?
I really don't think I can help in your situation, Sorry. You don't have to like that girl, only he has to like her. If you are in touch with him, let him know that you are attracted to him and if he wants to give it another go with you.
Thank You!
You are helping me incredibly lot.
Writing, talking about this crisis seems to help me to digest it, so I actually collected all out nicest moments in a letter. I'm planning to send it to her, as a kind of goodbye letter. I rewrote it several times and removed all negative thoughts, actually I think it will make her smile and of course, desire me a little more. She is pretty sentimental and has a rich emotional life.
Do you think this is a good idea Kevin? Just to keep her interested?
At the end I am actually saying goodbye and really feel myself ad a closure - but I secretly hope for the opposite :-)
Roland,
I don't think an emotional letter is going to help you get her back. In most cases, it even pushes the ex further away. However, if you are ready to end this chapter of your life and you really mean to send this letter as a goodbye, then go ahead. In your case, it might even help since you are left with no other choice but to wait it out.
My boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me about a week and a half ago. He was basically just fed up with me and my constant anxiety and stress, and said he couldn't handle it anymore. From what i've heard from his friends, he told them that he loves me, but he just can't be in a relationship with me right now. We've broken up before about 7-ish months ago, but we ended up getting back together. It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me because the same day he broke up with me he was acting totally normal, and a few days before he was planning out future together, until i started acting panicky that day. I tried texting him the day after (huge mistake) and he wasn't very receptive/obviously not ready to talk about it. We talked yesterday and we made plans to hangout as friends tomorrow, and he reminded me that we are "just friends". It seems unreal to me that he doesn't love me anymore or have any feelings for me at all, and it has me really upset. What do you think?
Hey Kevin
How do you apply this program if you have a child together? I want to enforce the no contact rule, but unfortunately I have to contact her in order to pick up/drop off my son. We are married but separated at the moment, and I feel I fit your description if being needy to a T and can see that it's pushing her away. I've already heard the "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" come out of her mouth and she's even expressed not having any desire to spend time with me at the moment. I need a program to follow.
Hey, only speak to her about the child. I explain it in this article.
Hello,
My Girlfriend of three years advised me 6 weeks ago that we should take a break. This came as a huge shock to me as we had planned to get married and have kids in the near future .
She said that are relationship had become more like a best friendship and we starting to act like an old couple stuck in a routine .
Four weeks later she decides to call it off altogether and said she still loves me but the spark is gone . We are still living together , however she is rarely home .
One week ago I was on this very site working out how to get her back and I decided to delete the history off out Laptop . I found that she had been chatting to a guy from Facebook loads in the past 3 months. I questioned her about this and she admitted he had feelings for her and she feels something for him but that they not an item and have not done anything together . I have a feeling that she has been with him after work all the time she has not been home
I openly admitted that I played a part in our relationship becoming a bit boring and monotonous and I have done all the right things for myself such as joining a gym, seeing friends and getting a new hair cut/clothes.
I feel this guy has heavily influenced her decisions and really feel she still loves me.
We are still going on holiday with each other for 3 days later this week and on another holiday for a week in 14 days . What should I do ?? I love her so much despite all the heartache but I feel like i'm losing her .
Hey,
My boyfriend broke up with me out of no where almost a month ago now. We live together and I'm currently looking for a new place while he is at his parents. We were together for 2 years. He said he needed to be alone and figure out what he wants in life. The one problem is we also work together. He's a bartender and I'm a server at the same bar. We have managed to stay civil with each other even though it's heart breaking to work with him. I keep having co workers tell me how he seems to be loving the single life and hitting on every girl. I made the mistake and freaked out on him after this same girl keeps coming into our work by herself to see him. He says nothing is going on, but I know they left together one night. I was so heart broken that he could move on so quick after not even a month. We only work one night a week together, so what do you recommend I do? Just keep no contact for every other day, but how do I act at work?
So, my ex broke up with me three days ago and he still wants to hang around with me, today will be the third day in a row. I tried to talk about the relationship and feelings and he refused to talk about it. I also asked if I should wait or give up on the relationship and he said I should stop waiting, although he said this, the manner in which he said it made me think he said it out of hurt and not what he actually wants. He still gets along with me the same as we were when we were in a relationship and he still seems really caring and nice towards me although sometimes it suddenly changed and feels like he's angry at me for no reason. Tomorrow is our would-be 10 month anniversary.. Basically I'm confused as to whether or not it's likely we could get back together.. When I asked if he loved me he told me he didn't want to answer the question and when I asked if his mind could change in the future he said he didn't know and refused to talk any further because he didn't want me to get my hopes up..
Help?
My ex broke up with me and since then I've tried everything to get back with her, recently I got fed up and asked if I can go to her apartment to pick up my stuff. When I was there I told her that "I couldn't be doing this to myself, I cant be sending you flowers or sending you good morning texts anymore cause I feel like no matter what I do nothing is getting better for our relationship" after that night I decided to do the no contact rule. I was doing fine for around 8 days till I got too anxious and I texted her :(. At the end I asked her if she wanted to go to Olive Garden with me. She agreed to go but just as friends this Sunday, should I not text her till she texts me Sunday or no? Also what do I do after that?
How do my chances look to getting back with her?
She have told me that she doesn't want to get back with me at all and she made that very clear a couple times, do I still have a chance?
I have asked her if she still loves me and misses me and she says she dose so I think that's good
Also she says she doesn't want to have anything with anyone, one of her new guy friends asked her out and she declined
How does everything look?
It looks like you still have a chance. If you can meet her and not act needy or desperate in any way, then you should meet her. Don't text her till Sunday. When you meet her, don't talk about getting back together and have fun with her only as a friend.
Hey Kevin, just wanted to give you a little update on what has been going on with me and my ex.... Yes she's still my ex lol :(. Well instead of going to Olive Garden we went to IHOP and I helped her out with one of study guides for her computer class. I notice that she would just stare at me when I would be doing the study guide. I would look up and she would just look away... But now I think things have gotten worse. We were talking as friends and we went out as friends three times. Once was at IHOP then Olive Garden and the most recent one we went to get coffee then we hung out at this place called the convention center. It's a really nice place with green grass and tall trees with a huge water fountain in the middle... That night we had some sort of connection. We were in my car and I was updating her about my mom (my mom has breast cancer) her and I stared to cry and she quickly comfort me... She knows exactly how it feels because her mom also had breast cancer.... I felt a small connectio, do you think that's a good sign?.... Anyway, I have brought up the relationship a couple of times and we do get in a small argument but nothing major. Yesterday I talked to once of her friends and I asked her how was my ex doing. She said that she's fine and she's happy. Then I asked her if there is another guy. She responded with "well there is this guy at school she likes a bit".... That crushed my heart. I got into my car and went to her apertment. It was 11:10 and I called her asking her that I needed to talk to her. She was asleep so she said that she couldn't. So at the end I just had to go home I wanted to talk to her and tell her that I didn't want to be friends anymore because I can't deal with just being friends with the girl I love. . The next day she texted me what was wrong and what I did was psycho, witch it is I admit it. It was a stupid move on my part. So what I did to avoid me looking like a creep is that I told her that I wanted to talk about my mom. That I panicked and I just needed to talk to someone. She understood and everything is fine with that now. But today I was in class we were texting and a conversation came up about if we were over each and if we had already found someone else. She said that she is trying to get over me and she has no one new in her live and she dose not like anyone
When she asked me the same question I said that
Yes I've moved on and no I don't have anyone new in my love life.... Of course I'm still in love with her and I still miss her... Was it a bad move saying that I had moved on?... My general plan now is to do no contact for about 30 to 40 days. It's something that I haven't done and maybe it's the key to get her back... I have tried it for about 8 days but then I got anxious and I texted her lol (this was a while back during my first message).... Kevin how do my chances look now? She is still in love with me but she dosent want to get back with me right now. Do you think no contact will help? Is there anything else I can do? I love this girl and I want to be her man again...... Oh and she broke up with me on February 17th if that makes a difference. Please help me get the girl I love back.
Using the words move on is not a good idea in my opinion. Yes, it may make her miss you and make her panic and want to get back together. But, there's also a risk that she might give up and concentrate more on moving on. That's why I recommend you say "Accepted the breakup" instead of saying "moved on". Regardless, do no contact, but keep it short. Around 2-3 weeks. I think it'll help. Then get back in touch with her. You do have a chance.
So just wanted to give you another little update. Right now I'm a little confused and I know you give the best advice so I need your help man
I did the no contact for a little while then we started texting again. And I know that I really really really need to do this whole no contact but it's hard lol. But yeah we started texting again and she was really cold. And there was a point were we got into a small argument and she said that she wants to be friends and she can't go back to the person that hurt her. And she was also saying that she loves me and what not.... Not too sure what her problem is because she would say positive things then negative things... I wish I could email you pictures of the conversation so you can see what she was telling me. She started being a little bit more open and not really cold then today we sexted for around 20 mins then had phone sex for another 40 mins. I'm not too sure if it was a bad move on my part. But I did enjoy it and so did she. Now I'm stuck. I don't know if I should continue texting her cause we haven't had phone sex in a long long long time and I don't know if that was a setback or a step fowarad. Or should I just drop it and continue doing no contact. I really do miss this girl and I really want to get back with her. Please guide me in the right direction to get her back
Thanks Kevin
If she gets cold again, start no contact. If not, then continue texting.
So here's another update. Thursday She went from sending me goodnight messages and sending me harts here and there to really cold and different on Friday. On Friday she ignored my good morning snapchat and my how is your day going text. Later on that day we did text and I could tell she was in a bad mood. I asked her what was wrong and she said the it was her period. We ended up talking about the relationship and I ended up saying something that made it look like I was over her and she replied with "...and you got over me already?" Then I replied with "Nope not even close. I still have a lot of feelings towards you. But that's understandable cause you broke up with me. You know what I mean?"
And then she just put "oh" she really didn't tell me if she was over me or not but idk. A little later during the conversation she texted me all random "I got to go. Talk to you later". Then she ignored my text message again later that day... So all of that was on Friday. On Saturday she didn't text me all day and I didn't text her. So on Sunday morning she texted me "hi". I ignored it because I feel like she thinks that she can ignore me whenever she wants but when she texts me I better reply to her... So now I'm ignoring her. I don't know how long I should ignore her at this point. Also I'm pretty sad I ignored her cause I was planning on asking her out to do something that night... What should I do? Am I still in the game or have I lost already? Also today on twitter she tweeted "Watch it baby, I got my wall built up pretty fucking high." And "Give me scratchies as I study so I know it's real." Whatever the fuck that means. Should I be worried about another guy? Or do you think she is just putting that for me to see it and text her about it?
Thanks Kevin. You've been awesome help so far
Her hot and cold behavior is quite common. Don't let it bother you. Contact her again after a week.
Well we went to get coffee. And first she didn't want to then she finally gave in. She talked about the relationship and she mention that she was scared to go back and that she loves being single but also at the same time hates it and that she misses me. But she promised herself to not come back to me or give me another chance. The whole night she would look at me like if she wanted to kiss me. So when I dropped her off she was like waiting for me to do something. So I thought for sure she wanted to kiss. I went in for it then got rejected.. What a bummer right?... I went home and was and still is feeling pretty shitty. She texted me asking if I was mad, I would reply with no but I was actually really sad and frustrated that this has been taking so long... We texted for a while and this is the conversation
Me" Sorry for everything baby. Goodnight and sorry for kissing you"
Her "It's alright, i understand where you are coming from. I'm here for you. I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering I put you through. Goodnight Adam"
Me" you don't want me back"
Her " I can't have you back"
Me" yes you can"
Her " not if I don't feel the same way "
Me "Cause your not letting yourself. Have you thought about giving me a chance? "
Her " I have, ever since you were doing those things to me little by little my feelings towards you were changing. Feelings change. People change. And maybe i did change but because you forced me to. Like, my birthday.. Valentines day, when you'd get mad, the way you'd make me cry, the way you wouldn't listen to me. :( it was just a bunch of stuff adan.. :( i'm sorry i'm really tired Adam"
Me "Things can be different but you just won't let them. You know I can fix all of this if you just let me, don't give up. Cause I'm not. I love you baby goodnight "
Her "What, so am i suppose to just drop it all and run back to you? You want me to just go back to you and let it all happen again? "
Me" Yes! Lol jk.... I don't want you to come back so fast that's wrong, I just want you to let me work at it. And as far as it "happening again" it won't. And I know that for a fact it won't happen again "
Her "I'm tired Adam, thanks for today. Goodnight."
Me" ok goodnight"
Hey Adam,
I think you are making your intentions clear and it's making her put her defenses up. You need to take things slowly and let it be her idea to want to get back together.
So something major happen. Today after my morning class I came to her apt with flowers and apologized for everything. She told me that we needed to talk. She came outside and she was telling me that she can't do this anymore and that she tells me to stop trying to get her back and I won't listen. Things got a little heated but we remain calm. She was also saying that she can't deal with this and finals is stressing her out. After her telling me all of that she thought that I would keep that flowers and not give them to her(I have no idea why) but I gave her the flowers then left. When I got home my mom told me to go to my room and wait for her, I was really scared and when she came she asked what happen. I told her everything and she said " well her mom called me" I felt so embarrassed. My mom said that her mom told her that I need to leave her alone because the things that I'm doing is making her cry (I thought flowers were suppose to make her happy) her mom also said that she is very confused and doesn't know what she wants. (Just to add, her mom really likes me) and her mom has also said that she's been telling her to give me another chance but she says that she can't because she knows that this will all happen again.... This got me really said and embarrassed that her mom had to talk to my mom. Also she said that my ex has been telling me that she wants nothing to do with me and that I force her to go out to dinner or to Starbucks. witch is not true at all. She has always been telling me that she wants me as a friend and doesn't want to lose me completely. Also if she really didn't want to go to Starbucks she wouldn't have. Also I told her that we would be there for only 30 mins and we ended up being there for more than a hour.... I know I really need to do the no contact rule but I'm so scared to because I don't want her to forget about me or slowly lose feeling towards me but it's probably the only option I got. Her mom also said that she is really stressed with her exams and studying and what not.... What do I do kevin? Did I mess everything up? Or is there still a chance? Have you seen worse?
Please reply soon,
Thanks man
Adam,
What I said in my last comment still stands. You need to take things slowly and let it be her idea to get back together. Because of this incident, I'll recommend you start no contact for at least 30 days.
What do you think will happen during no contact? Right now I'm on day 3. Is there any signs that I should be looking for? Do you think she will come back to me because of the no contact rule? She tweeted yesterday "it was nice while it lasted" should I be worried?
You should not be looking for signs. You should do the things that are mentioned in step 3 of the article.
Today marks the 12th day of no contact. I haven't heard from her she has not texted me but she has been putting things on twitter. Most of them are just normal tweets but there is some that I can tell that are directed towards me, but in a negative way. For example
"Life goes on"
"You have to be optimistic if you want to survive this."
"Everything is worth the fight. Never give up unless you know you've gave it your all and it never changed a thing."
These are some of the tweets that she has posted. Most of them just make me feel sad and feeling of zero hope. It seems like she's really sticking to her word and wants to continue the break up. I've been wanting to text her these past couple of days but I know I shouldn't... Also been having dreams about her almost every night and those are not helping at all. Should I continue doing no contact to try to get her back?
Stop looking at her social media if it's making you obsess over her and is stopping your progress.
I broke up with my ex around a month and a half ago but we have seen eachother since then on and off in passing or to discuss the realtionship. My male friend spoke to my ex last night about our relationship but my ex said although he still cared greatly for me and apparently was very complimentary about me he just didn’t think we should get back together or felt he wanted to give things another go. Should I just give up or is this what should be expected? I feel so confused. I don’t want to give up but I also don’t want to keep chasing something that’s lost. I don’t want to be hurt again
Hi kevin,
So my ex had broken up with me two days ago, its real hard on me how it went down because we knew we had problems and or communication to try and fix it wasnt working because wed always just end up upset over it and she broke up with me just before we were starting to do thinhs to fix it. We both had the fear of being cheated on because our exs had both done it and that became a problem when she went drinking with her friends and they said she cheated on me and o beieved my ex that she didnt sje swore on alot of thinhs and promised she didnt, even stopped talking to those people as well. Naturally there were a few truat issues and arguments over it but I ended up believing her and trusting her again even though she didnt quite believe I did. That was a while ago in our relationship so I believe we got passed it, we didnt go out drinking or anything much together or with friends anymore so maybe subconsciously it was still a problem for us. I would still take her out for tea and movies and dates together buying her flowers etc, we just never drank with friends. But a few weeks before we broke up she was gojng out with one of her friends (a girl) for tea on the weekends and I was all fine with it no problems. But when she would come home shed be in a different mood like not wanting to be here, I believe she wasnt seeing someone else since she would text me whilst there and sent pictures of what she was eating for conversation. She must of been having conversations with her friend about me because she removed my ex and me from facebook but made a status that she had to remove my ex because of me which hit me in the gut pretty hard, I only found this out after she had broken up with me.
When we did break up it was a very long conversation full of crying and hurting, I didnt want it too happen and was trying to make it not happen. We hadnt been having sex for a few weeks because she said she lost her sex drive and I believe it was because of the pill because she wasnt doing the correct cycle just having the pill tablets not the others (to avoid her period) I was worried she was cheating on me or something but I eventually thought other wise and I told her it would never be a problem because I love her and the relationship wasnt about sex. The thing that unnerved me the most with it the same thing happened to her and her ex 6 months before they broke up due to him cheating but she didnt want to have sex because of what he was like, she also said she would never ever cheat but had a crush on a guy when she was with her ex and even though thats her past and she told me that its still a thing that sat in my mind while all this was happening. She said that she couldnt believe that I wouldnt cheat on her because her ex did. She said that we had argued too much even when trying to fix things. She said that we needed our friends which is true and I agreed completely. She said she thinks we had grown distant which is somewhat true only because we had both finished college together and spent every day and night together for pretty much a year since we were only working part time jobs we didnt really spend time apart and we both know it was unhealthy but its what we wanted as well. The thing that made us more distant was that we both started full time jobs at the same time so it was hard going from seeing each other everyday and night to seeing each other at night and a few times on tge weekend due to her seeing her friend and me working shift work at my new job.
Whilst she was getting packing all her things we told each other that we love each other and we care about each other I told her that I was sorry for everything and that I wanted to make it better amd I wished it didnt have to be like this, I told her how beautiful she was how she was strong and smart and we kissed a few times we were hugging and kissed then I had to go to work. When I got back most thins were gone, she took our anniversary cards with her and one of my jumpers that she would wear all the time she left her picture of the two of us and a tv show we watched together.
Regrettably that night when I was at work I showered her with messages on how I love her etc she said she loved me too and shes sorry and that maybe theres a chance but we need space and time.
She blocked me from facebook and changed her relationship status and her about which was about me she also blocked a few of my family members as well. Before she blocked me she uploaded a picture of her and her friend having drinks at a pub which hurt alot as well.
After all this has happened I dont know if she still wants me or not or how the no contact will go or how she feels about me etc.
Im following the five step plan and havent contacted her since that one night I do miss her so much and I do love her ive thought about alot of things and im confident that getting back together is a good thing and thinhs can be resolved and we can go back to how we were in love.
So im asking you kevin whats your professional opinion on this is there a chance for us or is she cutting ties by blocking me etc and how do you think she is feeling with all of this ?
This page has been every helpful and elightening keep up the work !
I think you have a good chance. Follow the plan. Her blocking you on fb is just a natural reaction after breakup and is extremely common. She is definitely missing you and will start missing you more if you follow the plan. However, you both do need to work on your trust issues. It'll be a good idea to work on it while you are doing no contact.
Thanks for the reply, ive been doing things for myself, i got a new haircut and done some excising and walking to clear my mind and it has help alot.
she sent me a message this morning asking to come over and give a few of my things back and i didnt reply and then she said she could take them to my friends house if i didnt want to speak. so i said that just to bring them to my house and she still has things here as well.
hopefully the decision isnt bad or anything i also needed the things she has ( documents, bills etc )
tell me what you think, ill keep you posted.
Yeah, it's not a problem. Just keep the conversation short when you meet her.
Hey kevin,
I ended a 13months relationship with my ex about a month and a half ago. She was my first true love although I was not her first. Everything was great up until end of december. we are still college students (juniors). Ever since the winter break started she has been distancing herself more and more from me. She even called a break 5days after the break. I really don't know where it went wrong because things were great until we separated. we did get back together after the break but things were never the same, she didnt even want to hold my hands the first date after the break. we used to go on a lot of trips together. after breaking it off, we talked after 5days. she initiated the talk so I thought she wanted to get back together but that was not the case. After a week and a half, I wrote her a letter saying sorry and to rebuild the relationship with more effort on both of our parts and she got back to me after 5days saying it is best for us to break up. It has been a month and a half since then. I still miss her like crazy. Is there anything I can do to possibly win her back again?...
Thank you so much kevin in advance
If you've been no contact during this one and a half month, then contact her using one of the methods mentioned in the article.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me about 1 month ago, because I've been struggling with depression a little bit and he was sick of me taking out all of my emotions on him, but he never told me it bothered him so i never realized I needed to change what I was doing. At first nothing really changed and he still came down to my room (we live in the same dorm at college) and would still text me a lot and it felt like nothing had really changed so I wasn't too terribly upset because I didn't really realize what happened. Spring break came around and I didn't see him for a week but we still texted a decent amount but he started to tell me he was losing some of his feelings for me and he may eventually start to like someone else, and I started to get a lot more upset about the break up, so naturally, I made almost every mistake multiple times. We are still friends and he still wants to be friends and everything, he just says he is emotionally drained and doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone and just focus on himself for a little while. This still makes me super upset though because I'm afraid he will eventually start liking someone else or move on and forget about me. I used to never think in a million years he would break up with me because he always told me how much he loved me and he was just so attached to me.
We have the exact same friend group and all eat dinner together the same time every night. My roommate is also dating his roommate too so it gets tough for me to see them together sometimes. I really do love him a lot and really enjoy being with him and am so afraid to lose him! I know I need to focus on myself so I can get myself healthy because he even told me I'll never be able to be in a relationship with someone if I don't love myself first and I know that's true, but I really do love him and want to be with him so badly! I'm just afraid that all this work I put in won't be enough to get him back. I know he still cares for me because he will find little reasons to go out of his way to see me, so it sends me mixed signals so I bring up talking to him about the relationship and he just gets frustrated when I bring it up because he says he's too emotionally drained to be in a relationship. I want to respect him by giving him a lot of space but it doesn't help when he finds weird ways to come see me. The whole no contact thing is completely out of the question because I go to such a small school and we have the exact same friend group I can't completely ignore him, but I guess I could try backing off and like ignoring him a little.
Also, he has this one friend that's a girl that I never really used to be very thrilled about when he talked to her and ever since we broke up he's been talking to her a little more often and started going to classes with her more. He swears that nothing is up and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at all, and I believe him because he is such a sweet guy and isn't the type that would lie about something like that, but I still get really jealous when he's with her and that doesn't help because I don't want her to swoop in and steal him from me. I think maybe by him talking to her more it's his way of trying to feel free and like he's actually single because he's aloud to talk to anyone he wants without worrying about me getting upset with him (at least that's what I keep telling myself to make myself feel better).
Yeah, apply limited contact. Back off and only talk to him if you really have to. If possible, let him know you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if he gives it to you. As for the other girl, even if he does start dating someone else, there is nothing you can do about it. You have to accept it as a possibility and you must be prepared for it. I hope it doesn't come to that, but you have to understand that it's a very real possibility.
A few days ago he told me he doesn't like her anymore, at the same time though he has been saying he likes me, is unsure, and now that he doesn't like me.
I told him I am not insecure anymore and acted happy and positive, well because I was, he said he had done something and hardly remembers all our good memories, doesn’t think we are worth it and it is unlikely we will get back together, I have done earlier what you did and I would text him smart texts reminding him of the good times. He texted my friend saying that he doesn’t mean to be harsh, but it’s unlikely we will happen again, he doesn’t want us, and that he doesn’t want to give me hope only to hurt me, he cares about me and thinks I’m a good person, but is unsure about us, doesn’t like me (apparently now even though he did or thought he did a week ago) and that if I know whats good for me I’ll move on because he is just trouble. I think he still plans to consider us in April but I am seriously in pain and do not know what to do, he told me to leave him alone again, its hardly been a month after our two year relationship. It was wonderful until our troubles happened, we were close, best friends and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Friends have told me to stop talking about “us” every time I see him because its driving him away (even though I only say positives like I’ve changed and a second chance would be good. SOS Kevin.
Well, you should stop talking about getting back together. Just have fun with him as a friend. See, whenever you talk about getting back together, he will put his defences up and he'll think everything you are saying or doing is to get him back. On the other hand, if you just spend fun time with him, have fun conversation with him, he will see the changes himself and the thoughts of getting back together will start popping up in his head. You have to be subtle.
I have been in a relationship for 6 years and my boyfriend broke up with me. We didn't have big issues, the thing that got in the way was that I started having panic attacks a year ago and I can't do a lot of things on my own. I started having problems going out on my own and that changed my lifestyle a lot. Well, getting to the point...a month ago he asked me for some time, he said he needed space and he felt "tired", mostly because of my situation. Unfortunately I was not able to respect that and I kept on asking him what would happen with us. I know I shouldnt have done it but I felt really bad and I pushed him a lot .He finally said he couldn't handle the situation and that he didn't know what would happen in the future. He cried for a long time and said he loved me but he just needed to be alone. We kind of separated but I still feel he left the door open. I was living with him three or four days a week at his house so I still have his keys and half of the things I own at his place. He is not worried for me to pick up the stuff even though I offered the keys. I tried not to contact him (and I successfully did for 12 days) , at the same time started going to a psychiatrist so I could get rid of my panic attacks and also started training at the gym every day so as to be distracted. I still have a hard time not thinking that I want him back. I called him today, not to cry and complain, and beg anything. I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour (I have never been like this with him and I dont want to start now). I really know what we had is a strong bond and I believe that he loves me. He told me so today on the phone. I asked him many times if this is a permanent separation and he told me he didnt know. It is hard...I dont want to cut him out of my life because I think I still have something to fight for. I want to get better because I want to come back to my old self and also, to be honest, because I know this is the reason that made us break up. What do you think?
Maggie,
I think you have a pretty good chance of getting back together. I also think you are a strong woman and I am sure you will be able to overcome your panic attacks. You don't have to cut him off from your life. Just let him know that you won't be contacting him for some time since you need some time and space to work on yourself.
Kevin my ex and I have a child together, but we broke up as you can see. I actually broke up with her thinking she wasn't going anywhere, and she has tried to get back with me one time, but thinking what I thought, I didn't take her back. What a big mistake that was! It's been a year and a couple of months, and in all this time I still want her back, but in that time she has gotten in a relationship. I've tried everything to get her back, I even proposed last year on v-day. She said yes with tears and excitement, but the next day she came and said she need to think about it. We still say we love each other, but I'll say it first then she'll follow up behind me, and we have kissed a couple times, but we still not together and also, she's still with dude and she still hasn't taken me back.In all this time we have been broken up, I still want her back and want to be with her until my dying breath. Do you think there's still a chance for her and I and would these steps above still work??!!
Yes, there is a pretty good chance. And yes, these steps still might work.
Hey.
I went through the above text and presentation.
I wanted to mention , we date in high school for 13 months and then during the end of high school things went bad. She got close to this guy I hated because he got close to her. and then during a last few months , she lied once and went with him to starbucks after school. And then I heard from people that during our farewell party , she hooked up with him. She never agreed to it. Then she travelled to usa for a month visit and we spoke on watsapp but i used to get mad at her alot and kept yelling.
When she got back we broke up.
We went to our universities , apparently i live 3 hours away from her univeristy, shes in germany and im in holland.
We kept talking and then I went to see her on her 18th bday. then after a month just to see her casually. She also mention that guy from high school was coming to see her in december and fought about why didnt she tell me about that. And then it got ugly , i said things out of anger. In december i went to see her as a surprise and she tells me shes dating that guy. We stopped talking , in feb which is last month , I messaged her on fb and she gave a negative reply. And she got to know that I spread a lie , that we hooked up. She rubbed that on my face and asked me to not text.
She didnt wish me on my bday , in march.
Advise. will relationship rewind work here or do I wait for sometime and then use it ?
I have fight lessons in germany 1 hour away from her. I was planning to surprise her but its far away in time. August last week can I do this.
It will work, but I recommend you wait some time. She is angry at you so it'll be wise to let her anger subside before contacting her. I'll suggest you start contacting her one month before you go to her country.
Hi Kevin,
With regards to my letter letting my ex know I’m now divorced. I really want to get this right so would be so grateful if you could help me and answer these questions.
Best to hand deliver or post it?
I assume I keep the letter short but how short?
What do I put in the letter?
Do I tell her what I’ve been up to since we split? Ask her what she’s been doing?
Do I say ‘thought you might like to know I’m divorced or Good News I’m divorced or just I’m divorced now?
Say something like I’ve done what I always said I would so I am genuine so you can trust me, or something like that?
I assume it’s ok to ask after her son Luca as he was and is so special to me?
Also, a bone of contention with her was always the family home as she knew I loved it and she felt that I might not let it go. It is now subject to offer and likely to be sold within the next 2-3weeks. Do I mention this in the letter or keep it for another time?
Do I say I’d like to catch up with you maybe over a coffee sometime/Give me a call sometime/It would be nice to catch up as friends/Do you want to catch up?
How do I end the letter?
Thanks again Kevin. Your help is much appreciated as always.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 7 years and lived together for 6.5 years. About 8 months before she started to re-evaluate our relationship (I did not know this back then, up until she told me about this recently) and to think if I am the right guy for her or not (because of my habits such as spending lots of cash on clothes, not planning our future/kids, ignoring her requests from time to time and last but no the least - not having proposed to her, although it was kind of pre-agreed that I wold propose within certain time-frames). She said that her perception of me has changed and she her feelings towards me were no longer the same (including her desire to have sex with me). About a month ago she started communicating with another guy and now they are dating (the relationship has not yet become physical, as far as I know, but she really liked him for sure). When I found out about this guy we had nasty arguments but now we are communicating normally. Even hug and kiss (like good friends). We still live together but I asked her to move out when she gets a chance. The thing is, I still lover her and want to get her back. Would appreciate your feedback a lot. Thank you.
R
Hey, you gotta follow the plan. Since you live together, I'll recommend you try not to be rude to her when you are applying no contact. Be cordial but be distant. I think you can still get her back and her new relationship is probably a rebound.
Thanks for the advice, Kevin. I'm just not sure how to apply no contact when we live together. I mean we stumble upon each other all the time, we sit in the living room together in the evening. Would 'no contact' in the given circumstances imply less communication rather than no communication at all? Anyway, I will be gone on holidays for 2 weeks with friends so during that time I'll be able to apply the actual no contact.
Regarding her new relationship - they spend a lot of time together, she really seems to be into him.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend applied no contact rule on me and when i had realized my part of the mistake i got back to her. But she keeps on treating me way too badly. She is not able to see her part of the mistake due to which we fought. When i talk to her rudely and do not give her much attention she talks but then i become too clingy no matter how much i try to. Now again i sent like 15 messages in a row and she has not responded yet. When i begin the no contact rule from this point she does not responds me. When i get angry and stop contacting her she does. Should i meet her and get my anger out and then apply the no contact rule or should i let it be this way ?
Thanks
Just apply the no contact rule. Just tell her you need some space and time and so does she so you'll not be contacting her for a while and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you either.
Hi Kevin,
Well, where to begin? My relationship with my girlfriend of 3 years ended a couple of days ago. We had a great relationship through out our 3 years except the last year. You see, she got raped last year during a time that I was out of the country. This really messed her up, and really took a toll on our relationship. After the rape, I would often find her cheating on me with guys she met online every 2 months or so. We eventually got her to see a therapist, which has really helped her, but also is part of the reason why she dumped me. She met a guy online who she's been talking to now for about 3 weeks, she says they're perfect for each other and that she basically has fallen out of love with me, this relationship was basically approved by the councilor. This really came as a shock to me because i had been helping her every step of the way through her problems, even forgiving her every time she cheated on me. I've kept contact with her the past couple of days because i care about her and i want to make sure she's doing okay. What should i do? I've given her everything. Do you think the relationship with the guy online will last? She's very needy and if I do the no contact period do you think she'll be able to handle herself if im not there for her? I will do anything for this girl.
Hey Isaac,
Sorry it happened to you. When you were there for her, she cheated on you and eventually decided to leave you. I think it's time you try not being there for her. Try no contact and instead of trying to make her happy and caring for her, try to make yourself happy and start caring for yourself.
Hi Kevin, I wanna say thanks for your advice it has helped alot. I have a question for you im on my third week of no contact but I am doing relationship rewind and I text my ex yesterday, she seemed very receptive and even sent me some pics, but today not a peep and she posted a pic of herself on Facebook. We have been broken up for a month and the last time before yesterday I had spoke with her she said she had gotten back with an ex she can't get over. Im really confused on what the hell she wants i have been doing me and feel great but I still have a lot of feelings for my ex, do you think she is just stringing me along or is she just confused? ????
It's too soon to tell. She is probably just confused. Keep following the program.
Hey Kevin, it's me again. I was approached by this random guy today at the store. He called me sexy and asked for my number and other small questions but honestly I was turned off because of the so called "compliment". He didn't even ask for my name, and he only got it when he gave me his first and my name showed up. Should I even bother with this guy with the things he said and knowing that I have feelings for my ex? I know the guide said that you should go out on dates but I'm not even sure if I'll even be into it if it goes that far. Thanks Kevin!
Hey,
Well, it's completely your decision. Even if you are not interested in the guy, a simple date will not do you any harm. If nothing else, you might just get a good story to tell your friends. Just be clear about yourself and don't give him the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship unless you are over your ex.
My ex broke up with me around a month and a half ago because he felt that his feelings had gone for me. He said 'loved me as a friend' but that was it. I wasn't the best girlfriend while we were together - I tried to break up with him then changed my mind and he told me this is why his feelings began to change. After a two week break we met up but he still just wanted to be friends and said he wasn't ready for anything again and didn't want a relationship but he would think about maybe starting from scratch. I stopped speaking to him after that then a week later bumped into him when I was on a night out with a group of friends. The next day he texted me to see how I was and said that it was a nice surprise to see me, (he said he had also had been helping my sister with a problem, so I replied a couple of days later as I felt obliged to say thanks) and then he did the same. After that I didn't respond but then he was surprisingly at a gig he knew I would be at last week and I also bumped into him travelling back home (where he often holidays) two days later. We were amiable to each other in our brief talks. I'm trying to implement NC but I don't know how it can work properly if we keep bumping into one another and have a similar friends group. What do you think about all this? Is there any hope for me?!
There is hope in my opinion. Bumping into him is not an issue as long as you are not the one doing it. Whenever you bump into him, be amiable as you have been and keep the conversation short.
Thanks for your help. My male friend spoke to my ex last night about our relationship but my ex said although he still cared greatly for me and apparently was very complimentary about me he just didn't think we should get back together or felt he wanted to give things another go. Should I just give up or is this what should be expected? I feel so confused. I don't want to give up but I also don't want to keep chasing something that's lost. I don't want to be hurt again.
Hi Kevin,
Can I write the email after 3 weeks no contact? She moved out more than a month ago I just sent to her some needy desperate text messages (not too many) and tried to call her twice during the first week, that's why I started the program a week later. She needed space, that's what she said.
My other question is, can I write in that e-mail like "I wish I could turn back the time when we first met but I know It's too late..or something like this? Or it's too emotional?
Thanks for you answer Kevin
Too emotional and needy. Stick to the format mentioned in the article. And yes, you can write the email after 3 weeks if you think you are ready to handle communication with your ex (because there is a good chance she will contact you when she receives it).
Many thanks Kevin, then I'll probably just gonna write that kind of stuff in a following text message just later if she writes me back.
Another question, I've read Mike Fiore's book and he says that never apologies for anything, but in your article you say that I should apologies for the crazy things I did after she moved out. Or Mike means that never apoligies for the things I did before the break up? All I did is I sent a few (3-4) needy text messages during the first week and I tried to call her only twice. I was gonna say in that mail "sorry" for that but now I'm not sure if I should apologies that or not?
Other thing is I decided to move to another flat from the old flat we lived together to "move on", can I mention it in the email or just leave it as my secret for now and she will just find out from someone else or I can tell her later?
I really appreciate what you do and thanks again for your answer!
Hey John,
If I remember correctly, he was talking about not feeling sorry for yourself. I think he meant more about not apologizing in a way that makes you look needy and desperate. You know something like "I am really sorry for what I did. I hope you forgive me for what I did. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I want you to know I love you etc. etc."
I recommend a simple short apology. It doesn't come off as needy and desperate. It's just an apology where you are not even asking for their forgiveness. You are just apologizing. That's why it doesn't come off as needy and it actually makes them think of you as not needy.
I think it'll be better if you don't mention the flat bit. It'll look like you are trying to convince her that you've moved on.
Hi Kevin, sorry to bother you again, but you know how it is, I'm worried if I made mistake.
So thia was the letter I sent:
First I agreed that she moved out was the best for both of us. Then I apologiesed for the few stupid text messages.
In the third bit I might revealed too much saying that i do many sports and started to cook for myself. And I also told her that I go out with friends as they are nice and always ask me to go with them here and there. Alsomentioned that I'm going to mountain climbing soon.
(Ithink it was too much, did I screw everything?? I think it didn't sound good after I sent, just you mentioned in your previous artcle that we should write down the positive changes "3. If you are doing something new or something exciting in your life, tell her about it.")
The last bit was the same as something exciting happened to me and I would like to talk about it but we both need some time more.
Did I make a big mistake by this or the e-mail not that bad?
Many thanks mate and sorry for the too many question.
I think you revealed a bit too much. It might sound like you are rubbing it on her face how well you are doing. But don't worry about it. Whatever happened, happened. Continue with the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I broke up around a month ago and it was because of a silly mistake. I got too jealous of this girl he doesnt even like and I ended up breaking up with him. He said he got fed up of me being jealous all the time and I always fix it by breaking up and he needed some time and space. I begged him and chased after him for a few days until I decided to tell him I'll stop acting pathetic and just be friends with him because he was a great friend to me first before becoming my boyfriend. We got back together after a day and I really did stop getting jealous over silly things and gave him more space when he was with his friends.
However, he got his head too big and demanded more things. whenever we had misunderstandings he expected me to say sorry first and he always acted cool and waited for me to beg him and say sorry. I then thought this was unfair and got fed up of it. I broke up with him after 2 weeks of getting back together and told him I could do better than him and someone else deserves me.
I realised after a short while, I still love him but I just want him to go back to how he was before. I never begged him to come back but whenever I felt hurt I would text him 'i miss you' 'i love you still'.. but that was all of it.. he then started to reply telling me to stop bothering him and to move on. He said he will just ignore my texts.
first, does that mean he really wants me to move on and forget him?
I told him fine I will move on and stop bothering you but i still love you. if ever you need a friend i am still here for you and if ever you start feeling you still love me then let me know because i might feel the same too by that time.
since then i stopped texting him, stalking him etc..
made new friends.. went out on dates
texted new guys who are more attractive and more intelligent than him
(from the start my friends told us he's too ugly and dumb for me thats why he always got jealous when i talk to guys and i even stopped talking to my friends because of that)
I'm now talking to this guy who's more attractive and he's a gentleman (unlike the person my ex has become). He makes me happy every now and then but I still think about my ex all the time and at the back of my mind I still believe we would get back together and this is just one of the hardships we have to face.
Is it wrong for me to think like that? should i just move on now?
I still love my ex. He's my first love (and first everything).. I really believed he was the one and we've already planned out our future. It's so hard to believe that this is really the end.
I havent talked to him for 2 weeks now. every now and then i always wonder if he acually misses me and just holding back or if he really doesnt care anymore. (we were together for 15 months and i was his first love as well). I want him back so badly and I wonder if he's decided to move on and enjoy his youth (from both first yr uni students). Would NC work for him? (I do actually think he will move on during that time).
also throughout our relationship, it has always been me who chased after him after every arguments.
Hey Sarah,
I think you should apply no contact for at least 4-6 more weeks. Yes, there is a risk he might move on, but I think it's important for you to think things through before trying to get back with him. It seems you were unhappy in the relationship, which is why you kept on breaking up with him instead of trying to fix the problem. Even if you do get back together, you need to work on your communication and you need to think whether or not you can have a healthy relationship with him. Unless he is willing to work on his communication issues as well, you can never have a future together.
Every now and then i think of him and feel really regretful. although it was both our mistake, i wish that i should have just compromised.
He used to tell me he doesn't ever want to lose me. In fact on the day we broke up, we met up and he told me how happy he was we were back together and he started telling me about his plans for us in the future.
Only i brought up the thing that made me upset (which was him demanding more and getting his head too big). He got angry after being sweet and loving and we broke up minutes later.
I can't accept the fact that he doesnt wanna fix problems in our relationship but then act really loving and sweet. It's been two weeks since that happened. He hasnt contacted me at all (neither have I).
Im his first love and the first girl he introduced to his very mum (whom he's scared of). He told me before even if we break up for real, he doesnt think he'll ever find another girl to love as much as he loved me. He used to be a hopeless romantic guy and thats why i fell in love with him in the first place. Only he changed a little after moving to uni and wanted freedom which i understand now.
Do you think he's fixed on moving on? or is he just confused about getting back together with me? ( a friend told me he might still love me but probably thinks theres no point of getting back together since the same mistakes may happen again and he might just not be bothered to argue like that again) Is this true?
I still strongly hope there is a chance between us. But i need an honest opinion to help myself get on with life.
Yes, there is a chance between you. But as I said in my last comment, you need to think things through before getting back with him. Your friend might be right. And you have to absolutely sure that you can fix your issues before getting back together.
Hey,
So here is my situation.
My ex and I broke up a week ago. We have had a bumpy relationship with a 9 month break. To preface this, I love this girl. More than anything. And I am willing to do anything for her, and she knows that. She begged me to move back from somewhere where I was established, and I did because I love her.
She is a commitment phobe. Always has been, and I feel like I can deal with that. In the days leading up to the breakup, she told me she loved me for the first time in 2 years. We spoke, with her bringing up, about moving in together, marriage, kids, and made plans for our future. In many ways the breakup makes no sense. It goes against everything she has said and done. Which makes me feel as though it has not ended.
We broke up once before, with a trust issue(which I will touch on again soon), thinking I had cheated on her. Her previous relationship was 6 years, and her ex had cheated on her for more than 5 years. He proposed, and she had said yes. She found out about until cheating a few days later, and met me a few months after. After a year and a bit, we booked a trip to the Dominican. She was told I had cheated on her by a friend, which was untrue as she would soon discover, leaving me with the debt of the trip. I was able to get flight credit, to be used at a later date. Though half was in her name.
We were planning another trip with the credit, after getting back together, and she broke up with me again, a couple weeks before the credit expires.
What I am currently thinking, is to book the trip we had planned, and send her the ticket. Tell her to take her time and if she feels like it, to come to the airport and go on the trip with me. If she doesn't show, I can give up. Either way, there is a trip for me! I wanted to know what you thought about this.
Please advise me,
It's a risky move. And considering her fragile state, I wouldn't count on her showing up. I guess if you understand how hard it will be for you if she doesn't show up and you are really willing to give up if she doesn't show up, then go for it. I'll suggest you at least give her three to four weeks to decide.
Hey Kevin just wanted to thank you for a great article. The best one I've read in all my "getting ex back" searches. I def have questions for you but I'll save it for another day. Just wanted to let you know that you're appreciated man!!!
Thanks for your comment Anthony. I am glad the article helped.
Hi Kevin
It's been just over 2 weeks no contact and today I learnt from a work colleague (he met her 3 times with me on my work drinks) that my ex sent her a facebook message a few days ago to ask where she went in her pictures, it seemed a really innocent message. He was never the malicious type and always very loyal to me. However, how come he messaged her and not me? I did tell him I wanted to cut all contact but is he doing this to annoy me or has he just moved on already? I deleted him a few days after he sent her the message but I did not know he had messaged my friend.
Also, I tried to subscribe to your emails but they haven't reached my inbox yet.
Thanks for your article!
Hey,
If it was really just an innocent message, there is no point in over analyzing it. Unless he tries to take it further with that girl, it doesn't really mean anything. And it seems you were unsubscribed from the email list. You'll have to enter your name and email again to get subscribe.
I have been with my ex for almost a year. I am 19 and i'll be 20 in may. We are exactly a year apart. His bday was a few weeks ago. He turned 21. I've been jealous that hes out with his friend kyle and his gf mary. My bf and i got into a really bad argument a couple nights ago. I tried telling him how i feel and how our relationship was changing. I was upset as much as he was and i told him that he can go and be with mary and i said that he can be with a 21 y old bitch that will party with him all the time. And we tried talking about the whole fight last night after i got out of work and it didn't end very well. He said that he was done. And i kept telling him we're not done. And he said we are. He tried to move me away and i refused to move so i climbed into his truck and refused to get out. He said that hes going to call the police if i didn't get out of his truck. So i got out but before i got out i slapped him and got in my car drove away bawling my eyes out. I don't know what to do! Im so lost without him. It was an argument and every couple fights. I dont understand. My friend mary and her bf fought all the time through out their relationship for the first year and now they barely fight. I dont know what to do. Ive never loved anyone so much. Ive never seen him cry and last night was the first time he did. Please help!
Hey Eliza,
Follow the advise in the article. You have a very good chance of getting back together. I know you feel horrible right now, but trust me, you will start feeling better with time.
I have been broken up with my ex since summer (I initiated). After one month went by I contacted her and told her basically that I'm in love with her and want to resume. It took about a week and then she finally came around. For the next couple of months we were progressing in some ways but still her defenses were up all the time and we hit barriers but we basically were in a relationship again by then. Then she called up one day and said she cannot continue because it hurts too much because of certain communication barriers.
Now it has been five months and I haven't been in contact with her other than to give simple, one line responses to her sporadic emails - which seemed to me like excuses to say hello. I have been working on myself and realized my shortfalls with the relationship. I have even been dating a few girls but unfortunately that makes me want my ex even more!
I'm still in love with this girl and happened to run into her at an event last week. We hung out and had a fun time, didn't talk about the relationship, just casual catching-up and stuff.
I couple days later I emailed her with some thoughtful words and ended it with asking to meet up. She responded and said she isn't comfortable meeting up right now but would like to be friends eventually. My hunch is that she is still in love with me and doesn't want to get hurt but I don't want to over-project. I responded with that's fine and that it was just a simple way to reconnect. How can I go on from here?
Wait a couple weeks and then text her again. Be a fun text buddy and then eventually move on to meeting up.
I'm really hoping you message me back because at this point I have no clue what to do anymore. I've been dating this guy for a year and we were madly in love with each other. We ended up getting into fights and he said he wanted a break..that broke my heart (this was in August). I did everything you said not to do; I was begging for him, crying, telling him how much he broke my heart, telling him how much I loved him, etc. I ALWAYS contacted him and I completely regret it now. After months of this, in the beginning of January he decided to call things off forever. He said he didn't want this to be a break anymore and wanted nothing to do with me and I cried and cried and cried trying to get him back but nothing worked (I didn't know what I was doing wrong at the time). Anyways, shortly after that he ended up getting a new girlfriend. I was torn, it's hard seeing the love of your life with someone else. Three weeks into their relationship he seemed happier but for some odd reason he ended up cheating on her with ME. Pretty sure that was a good sign right? Haha he ended up telling her that he cheated and she eventually just broke up with him. I was happy to be honest, he ended up having more in contact with me but I think I messed it up again because I kept telling him how much I missed him and stuff. It was completely dumb of me to do that I guess. He's starting to talk to his ex again blah blah blah. It's annoying. In class we flirt A LOT (we're upperclassmen in high school) we even kiss but when I see her name pop up on his phone I get a little worried. I asked him one day "are you and your ex still talking?" And he kept denying it. I knew he was lying because the next day his ex posts a pic of the both of them on twitter saying how happy she makes him. I confronted him about it and he said that nothing went on between them and they are just friends. He says he's single and he can do whatever he wants since we aren't dating anymore. It just annoying me because all we do is flirt in class and he does THAT? I don't know what this is supposed to mean at all. Ugh i really want him back but it's hard when that girl is in the way. I want to have no contact with him to see what he really wants but how am I supposed to do that when we sit RIGHT next to each other in class? I can't move seats..I have to see him every day. What should I do?!? We've never actually had a break from each other at all. It's hard to do so when we have the same class and sit next to each other. I really hope you can help me because I'm clueless. It's weird because he still gets mad at the things that I do..like if he thinks I'm flirting with a guy, he'll confront me and get pissed. Obviously he still cares but I don't understand why he's still talking to his ex :( maybe it's because she's avoiding him and like you said..it's human nature to want the things that are hard to get. But I don't know what to do anymore, please help? Thanks :)
Apply no contact. Even if he sits next to you in the class, let him know you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he stops the flirting and doesn't talk to you unless it's absolutely necessary.
He left me a year ago and has dated 2 other women he told me he love the new girlfriend and wants to work it out but he love me more and he don't want any trouble he never get on fb but he use too with his ex
He will keep stringing you along if you stay in touch with him. It'll be better to let him go. If he ever breaks up with his gf, he will contact you.
Hi Kevin,
With regards to my letter letting my ex know I’m now divorced. I really want to get this right so would be so grateful if you could help me and answer these questions.
Best to hand deliver or post it?
I assume I keep the letter short but how short?
What do I put in the letter?
Do I tell her what I’ve been up to since we split? Ask her what she’s been doing?
Do I say ‘thought you might like to know I’m divorced or Good News I’m divorced or just I’m divorced now?
Say something like I’ve done what I always said I would so I am genuine so you can trust me, or something like that?
I assume it’s ok to ask after her son Luca as he was and is so special to me?
Also, a bone of contention with her was always the family home as she knew I loved it and she felt that I might not let it go. It is now subject to offer and likely to be sold within the next 2-3weeks. Do I mention this in the letter or keep it for another time?
Do I say I’d like to catch up with you maybe over a coffee sometime/Give me a call sometime/It would be nice to catch up as friends/Do you want to catch up?
How do I end the letter?
You said in your 5 point plan that you had a letter template. Would that help me and, if so, where can I get access to it?
Thanks again Kevin. Your help is much appreciated as always.
Post it.
I have a sample letter in the email series. I see you've already received the email regarding the sample letter.
I think you should just tell her about the divorce and leave it at that. Don't give her too much information and don't ask her to meet just yet. Other than that, use the template in the sample letter.
Thanks Kevin.
Letter drafted and posted.
She should get it when she gets home from work tomorrow night.
Fingers crossed it means something to her.
Thanks again for the advice.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed as well. :)
keep posting, let us know how she react after that.
thanks
Wow, Kevin, you are a popular guy, but you seem to actually respond. I'll keep this as short as I can, but it's going to be long.
I have been through some shit and gotten over a lot of crappy relationships, but my situation now is different. Background: My girl (28) and I (35) met abroad and enjoyed a passionate 2-month tryst. I returned to the US while she stayed to finish her commitment. She moved to live with me after a LDR of 3 months with daily contact. We lived together happily for the ensuing 2 years. Everyone said (including us to one another) that we were so lucky to have one another. It was like a fairy tale. There were hard moments, but we worked through them or just gave them space. We were always very respectful of one another. We had also begun to do some 'work' on the relationship, reading together from Melody Beattie and John Gray. But in general, there were lots of "big talks" about important stuff that we hadn't seriously had yet. Last fall, we threw the marriage subject around a bit, but neither of us seemed ready to dig in to the subject. If I'm totally honest, I sidetracked it first, feeling like I should resist so that we didn't rush in to anything.
This winter, we spent 6 weeks abroad on pure vacation. The trip was great: fun and bliss and passion and a still some 'work' too. After the trip, I went back to my job while she went to stay with her mom (recovering from surgery) 3000 miles away. She has a close relationship with her mom and friends she's had since childhood. I did a bad job staying in touch. My job was nights and stressful and I was 3 time-zones away. We talked every day, but only a few minutes. She never pushed me for more, just said that she missed me an couldn't wait to be together again. We shared reassurances and love as much as we could. I didn't worry because I knew we'd be back together in a month. After that and before our planned reunion, I spent 6 days on a solo camping trip. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying and came to the conclusion that I was ready to spend my life with her. I knew she had been lukewarm on marriage recently (after I balked), so I thought I would really turn on the romance for awhile, then bring up the subject and see how she felt. I was confident we could move easily in that direction.
When I called her after camping, she dropped me to my knees, literally. She told me she needed to stay with mom and friends and rebuild her life at home. Okay, I said, I'll pack my bags. No, she said, I need to do this alone. She said she needed to face her own doubts and make her own way without me. Well, I immediately flew to her with a big diamond and proposed. Oops! She sobbed but told me the same thing and that she just couldn't do it "right now". She told me she hoped that our paths would cross again someday and that we would be together when this was "all over", but she talked about it like it would take years. I didn't beg. I was sad and angry but I left on a good note, hugs and actually a nice, teary kiss from her, too.
We then spent 3 weeks in limited contact via phone and text where she just seemed to use the same tag line over and over. When we talked she would regularly start a conversation casually, then break down emotionally by the end of 5 minutes. None of our communication has been longer than that or shed much light on her motives. She has tried to minimize contact but still wants it. She still says she loves and/or misses me.
Last week I sent her a 12-page hand-written letter telling her everything I had been thinking about and working out. The thrust of the letter was that I believe we are meant for each other and that she can take the time she needs to figure it out for herself. I told her this is my vision but it is her choice. She called me when we had planned to talk and coolly thanked me for the beautiful letter, then told me she couldn't talk later because she had plans. Then, suddenly, she broke down and said it was too hard to talk to me. Her voice was cracking and it sounded like she was crying. I told her it was okay, I was here for her, and I love her. She told me she wanted me to know she loves me and cares about me, all tears. We said I love yous and hung up. I didn't hear from her for several days so I sent her an "I miss you" text, which she responded to by texting that she didn't want to receive texts like this from me, that it was too hard on her emotions, and by the way could I send some of her stuff to her?
I've been in serious pain since day one with this thing, and now over a month has passed with no move toward resolution. I am tired of the push-pull and I am frankly indignant that she can't find it in her heart to respond openly to my letter. The only friend of hers that I have contact with says "give her more time." If there was decay in our relationship before our month apart, it was subtle and certainly recoverable. She seems to have made this decision quite suddenly and in response to the prospect of spending another year away from other people she cares about, but my offer to move to her (my job is mostly portable) hasn't affected anything.
I need to know what to do next. I believe she is a good match for me, and we clearly still have love for each other. I suspect that she is not consciously trying to do this, but I obsess over whether she is creating emotional distance so that she can permanently rout me from her life. I need to be able to be sane while she figures this out, but it is driving me crazy because I KNOW she is not even thinking about us or even her own future in relationship right now, she is only trying to "get herself on track" by getting a new job and reconnecting with friends. She is blocking whatever emotion she feels about me so that she can do that. In the meantime, I am an emotional wreck. I have all the typical broken heart symptoms.
Well, that's about it. Have at it!
Hey,
Well, if her issue was commitment, she would've accepted your proposal. But unfortunately she didn't. It seems that she is actually trying to figure out what she wants in life. And apparently the only thing you can do is give her more time. I will suggest that you start preparing for the worst. There is a chance that she might never come back. Give her at least two months and then contact her after that. If she still feels the same, then consider moving on.
Me and my husband have been married 15 yrs and have 2 children. I was there in his life through some very hard times. Within the past 2 yrs I have found out he has cheated several times. The last time I found out 10 months ago I put him out. I don't know where he lives because he's so secretive but I do know he is still cheating. I love him and have expressed I want a divorce because he has not tried to save our marriage but has enjoyed his freedom and still cheating. He says he doesn't want a divorce but I need to quit nagging and going off on him. Since he has left I have been the one pleading and crying trying to get him back even though I did nothing wrong. He calls me a mental case and says I have issues. I can admit I call getting upset and text everyday because I'm hurt. He hangs up on me and stopped coming around like he use to but he says that's because I act crazy. But he still doesn't want a divorce. I feel he wants me to go along with the cheating then he would be happy but I didn't get married to share my husband. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but has made no effort to save our marriage. Should I NC? How can I do this with kids involved? What should I do because I miss him and want to save my marriage but I won't agree to other women.
Apply NC for 30 days. Let him know you need some space and time and you'll only be communicating with him if it's regarding the kids. After no contact, let him know your concerns. Propose couples counseling. IF he refuses, file for divorce. You can't carry on your life like this.
Kevin I read the five steps but is this applicable also if I was the one who broke up but I realized i really love him and want him back?its the first day today not contacting him, I left him messages asking him if he do really love me and told him I love him so much but I got hurt because of slightly jealousy abd maybe because he didnt answer me wgen I asked him that question.
Yes, it's applicable.
I emailed and commented here but even my comment doesn't show up here but others do.... I wonder why and the email you didn't reply me back too :( and seems like I've not received any new subscription from you too. (for 4 days)
Hey,
I answered to your comment here. I need to approve comments before they appear which is why your comments didn't show up until now. My email box is currently flooded with emails, which is why I couldn't respond. As for the subscription, the emails have been sent to you, perhaps they are going to your spam folder. Please check it and add my email address to your contacts so they are not marked as spam.
Is letter also ok for short relationship?
If instead of letter i use a voice note??? using whatsapp
Thanks!
She just told me that the reason why she was dissapointed with me and she lose the attraction was because when i was with her in our best times , even we said we could kiss others , she didn't and i did.
Letter apologizing and remember good times could be good?
Yea, It's a good idea.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me a week ago, he barely gave me the reasons that he did, partly because he knew I wouldn't let it go. He's very stubborn and is the type of person who believes he's right until someone proves him wrong and gives him hard proof that he is wrong. He never came to talk to me about the problems and before he always told me that if I don't let him know something's bothering me, then he can't fix it and same goes vice versa, I have a habit of not being able speak up when annoyed. Anyways, his reasons that he gave me at the time were that I got mad at him one time because he left me for his family when he came for valentines, in which I forgot to mention we have about a 3-3.5 hour distance because we go to different colleges. Anyways, I wasn't just mad because he left or who he left for, it was little things with school, friends and him that piled up and then kind of just let it out on him after he left but I already apologized and admitted my mistake for it. Another reason was he believes that my friends instigated my getting mad at him, which is not true they were simply calling to make sure I was ok in general. The third was, I'm Indian and it's not really easy so to speak to tell and Indian girl's family that she's dating someone let alone going to visit him and staying with him especially because they're strict, my parents especially are strict. He didn't like that my parents don't know that I was in the city that he's in when I do visit, but I do it for him otherwise I wouldn't be able to visit or see him at all. All in all, it's really complicated, but I know that he sees it as me being to lie to him one day, but I've never lied to him and if there's something I've kept from him I tell him, and he admitted it, like 10 minutes later.
The fourth reason he gave me when we talked about everything a few days later and that was the distance. He said he saw two of his friends together and that he realized how well they know each other and that he and I can't have that because we're in different locations, however he went into the relationship knowing it's long distance, we see each other at least once or twice a month plus the calls and constant texting. Not to mention, the internships he's going for are in my city for the summer. In mine along with my friends opinions these are all fixable reasons and nothing enough for a break up. They believe there's something more to it, but he doesn't want to tell me because it may hurt me or the like. Right now we are friends, but I haven't texted him since I agreed to be friends and have had no contact with him since. Also, we were together for 6 months. My biggest question is, why won't or didn't he let me try to fix things, is there something he's keeping from me, and do you think he will come back?
I think he just doesn't see the relationship worth putting that much effort into. In his mind, it will be easier for him to look for another relationship than try to fix this one. Yes, there's a chance he will come back. But it will have to be his decision that he wants to try to fix things and you can't force that on him. The only thing you can do is make him realize that you are worth it. And the best way to do that is to make positive changes in your life. When he comes for internship, meet him and blow his mind away.
Hi Kevin
this is my story, My ex and I were together for 2 1/5 years, she is 27 and i'm 29 im the first guy she introduce to her family, she is a very reserved person, she broke up with me 5 weeks ago and she start going out with a guy from her school almost a week after we broke up, we meet 3 weeks ago and she told me the she was happy and she was taking things slow with this guy. You advice me before to keep seeing her and keep in touch with her to see if was a rebound relationship or not.
last friday I got drunk and I text her I MISS YOU!!! she replay 2 days after saying : the she didn't know what to say just the she is sorry.
So I decided last monday go for NC for a month because i'm weak, i can't even get out of bed somedays and I think all day on her. i'm very miserable right now. but she called me yesterday to see how i'm doing "just checking up on you" and we talked for like 15 minutes. but today I woke up at 5 am feeling sad and missing her badly, I have to see her one more time because she has some stuff the i need , we are just waiting for me to move to my new place. but i dont know what to do, im tired of been sad, i dont know whats going on on her head, if she already move on, forgot about me, idk but im very depressed as you can see. please give me and advise..
THANK YOU
If you're sad, then you should do everything you can to make yourself feel better. NC is the way to do that. So go ahead and start. If possible, send a friend to get the stuff from her. And don't answer her calls for one month. Stop trying to figure out what's going on with her. You will find that out eventually. The most important thing right now is for you to learn to be happy without her.
Hey Kevin, I read your emails every day and I really trust you. I am on the 22th day of NCP, and I've followed your advices to do not contact him and make positive changes in my life. So far, so good. However, as I mentioned before, I can't avoid seeing him in schooldays. At first, he tried to wave a hand in distance to say hello, but I found it hard for me to pretend nothing happened so I have never waved back. Now he treats me like a complete stranger or like a transparent person. My friends say that he's afraid of approaching us because we make him realize he has made mistakes, and as pride as he he is, he's not willing to admit it or even feel it. Could you give my some instructions? I feel bad when I see him. Maybe the time that I end NCP is when we come across yet I'm no more sad because of him?
Yes, that's when you should end no contact. If he is treating you like a stranger, it's just going to help you apply no contact. If he does talk to you, treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
Hello Kevin,
I wrote a long email to tell you my long story. I don't know if you received it. I'll make it short here. He broke up with me about 2 and half months ago but at first he said he confused. Later on when I tried to convince him about 2 weeks later that he said to break up because he kept blaming on me that because I was cheating(but I didn't. I told my friend and she said it's just the different perspective) and used other reasons about me that it didn't make sense. So later on I still tried to convince him but we argued more and more (I think I did a bad decision when I tried to convince him). And one day when I asked if he didn't love me anymore because he kept saying he was still confused when it was almost 1 and 3 weeks or something. And we argued more. Then I noticed he blocked me on whatsapp after sending me the last message in there and then later he blocked my number too. So he was the one who went to NC first. But the day after the day he blocked me on whatsapp he said we could of being a good couple but I screw up. And I used my friend's number to send him a bunch of messages because I was too shocked when he suddenly blocked me in the middle of the conversation in whatsapp and then my number. I know I'm not the type of romance so I didn't show much to him that I loved him while we were dating even though I loved him so much. And he doesn't like it. I tried to be more romantic but it was hard but I really tried tho. So 2 days after he started blocking me, I used another number to text him and said that I was sorry for those emotional texts and sorry for what I did made he thought that I didn't love him and I would try to change and become a better person so I can deserve him. I noticed he kept blocking me on whatsapp until 2 weeks later he unblocked me. I don't know why. But I, deleted my whatsapp account when I saw him unblocked me. I was worried of myself being needy and would start texting him again when it's just 15 days of no contract. Now it's 20 days of no contract, I joined in whatsapp again but didn't want to make a move right now (I wonder if it's the right time to do so I'm not ready yet even tho I'm following those checklist so far.) I hope he would make an initiate contact. (p/s: his profile picture is the picture where we first met each other.) I'm confused. Does he want to get back together too? Or just me thinking too much. Thanks Kevin!!!
There is a good chance he wants to get back together. You are thinking too much, but it's normal. You need to relax and accept that whatever happens, you will still be happy and you will still find the loving and caring relationship you deserve. Follow the plan. You will do just fine.
Hey, I was with this girl for three years. We were married for one year and have a baby. The past few months of our relationship went horrible, but it was mostly my fault. We got into our first home, but it was a rental and it was expensive. We had a hard time keeping up with bills and we stayed stressed. We started fighting a lot and we got very verbally abusive. I lost my job and we moved in with her parents. We didn't really spend much time together since we moved from our house. We were eachother's first and she was a very insecure girl. She used to sing in church and everything. She started to get tattoos, drink, and smoke pot. Then she cheated on me with one of the guy's that gave her a tattoo. It devastated me, but I got past it and tried to work on our relationship. We started the fighiting again and we started to not spend much time together. She bought a new phone and after a couple of days, she was staying up really late in the living room on the phone. I asked her if she was okay and told her i loved her. I would try to get her to come to the bedroom with me and spend time and she said that she didn't want to set up in the room all night. When she went to bed, I kissed her and we said goodnight and we loved eachother. I got on her phone the next morning and found messages between her and another guy that she has never met. There was a lot of sex talking and I confronted her about it. She said she was unhappy with me and she didn't love me anymore. She kicked me out and now I stay with a friend. This happened less than a week ago. I try to reconnect with her, but she said that we should just be friends. And the only time we see eachother is when we take turns with the baby. She talks about this dude like he is amazing, but he is a douchebag. He is the complete opposite of the type of guy she likes. He drinks and parties and pretty much wants sex all the time. But she says she is happy with him. I just don't understand how she can throw our family away soo easily. I want her back so bad. I miss her and I love her. I look at our pics and notes and messages and all I do is cry. I am an emotional guy, but I didn't show her that I cared enough. I tried to move in for a kiss when she came to get the baby. She turned away and told me no and got in the car and left. Will I ever get her back or did I ruin my chances? Is she going through a phase? She wasn't able to do drink and stuff as a teenager. She won't give me answers. She just tells me that she is happy and that I can't keep trying to beg for her back everytime I see her.
Hey Michael,
I think you are blaming yourself simply because you are hurt and are not seeing things clearly. Personally, I don't think it was your fault. No matter how stressed or unhappy you were, she didn't have the right to cheat on you. You need to accept the fact that she cheated on you and she might not be the best partner for you. I think she is probably going through a phase. You need to apply no contact for at least two months and think real hard if you want to be with her.
Hello Michael,
I can't give you professional suggestions but I'm sorry for the difficult time that you are having. Just happy to know that loving and emotional men do exist. Wish you luck and happiness sincerely, cuz I know that you worth it. It will be fine, no matter you end up with her or another woman, I promise.
I'm scared of letting my ex go. I have gone through just about every single reaction that you mentioned and the moment I try to forget about her, something will pop up to remind me of her, only making it worse. Our relationship as friends now is fine but I'm scared that she will move on in the time that we have no contact. I felt our relationship was serious, but I don't know how serious it was to her so I'm afraid she will move on to someone she believes to be better. I just need some advice on handling this kinda of sheer mind throttling pain.
Hey,
Yes, it's a risk. But I think it's a necessary one. If you want, you can make the no contact a little bit shorter (around 3 weeks).
Hi kelvin...i have just started the step one...bug i still hv a few question wanna ask so should i ask u here or can i email u personally?
You can ask me here. My email box is currently flooded.
Dear Kevin,
I was in a long distance relationship for 4 and half years and last November, he confessed that he cheated on me. Since our parents knew about us , I had to tell them what happened and they advised me to end the relationship. Even after the break up we were contacting each other on and off. He was still checking on me in January but I discovered he was flirting with a girl he had found on Facebook and that girl told me she had known him for three weeks and that they are in love. She told me I'm his past and she is his future. She also knew about me and the other girl who he cheated on me with.
I didn't contact him for one good month and he send me a really emotional song and I ended up sending him a poem in reply to that song ( What I wrote was that I wasnt going to wait for him :p ) . He sent me a reply saying that poem made him cry and that he 's sorry but I didn't reply to it whatsoever.
A couple of weeks passed and my sister has contacted him and he has asked about me and has told her not to tell me that he asked , my sister has told him that I am jealous with his new gf ( I was but not anymore) and she has told him that Im doing meditation and that I was at a retreat that day ( I m trying all the things to keep my mind at peace).He has told my sister that he misses me so much at times. He has told that it was my fault that I told my parents. He has asked my sister to help me recover.
I was furious to learn that my sister did that and I called him to say I wasnt jealous ( which is silly) but he didn't pick the phone . He didn't even return my call or reply to my simple text ( it's been two days now and my text was " are u there" ) .This is the first time he ignored me since the break up and I feel terrible about it. And his facebook gf has deactivated her profile since two days. I feel like I messed up everything by acting in the heat of the situation and killing the curiosity. Why do you think he ignored me ? pls help me. Thank you
He probably guessed that your sister told you and you are calling regarding that. OR perhaps he came to my website, read about the NC rule and started it :P. Whatever the reason, there is no point obsessing about it.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for your response. You are right! he might have visited your website and trying the NC rule :p :D
Omg I can't come to terms with the fact that he 'll be moving to the town and will be in someone else's arms this time! We used to have a great time together :( .Is there any possibility that he'll remember the good times and call me ?
A big hug in advance! ;)
Thank you
Of course there is a possibility. But there's also a possibility that he won't. And you need to accept that. You need to learn to be happy in your life without him.
My bf broke up with me a week and a half ago..he texted me three time last week to find out some stuff..no long conversations though...i broke down on Sat nite and emailed him about my feelings and how much he hurt me and stuff and how he just tossed me aside after three years like i meant nuttin to him...however i didnt beg or ask to get back together...I did tell him that i dont think we can be friends ....He has not texted me since saturday nite...I decided that since sunday i would start the NC rule..Which i have religiously done thus far...However I am losing hope that he wants me back...Does his no contact or silence show signs that he does not want me back or mean that he doesnt have feelings for me ne more?Is there is chance for me getting him back?
His no contact can mean a lot of things. But I think you have a decent chance of getting him back.
Hi Kevin,
I have been with my ex fiance for 7 years. We have been through everything together, we lived together for 5 of those years. He has had some traumatic screwed up things happen to him over the years where he would take out his emotions on our relationship. He would tell me he is not happy with me, with no explanation as to why. At one point I moved out of our apartment, after a couple of weeks of no contact he came begging for me back. Throughout this time we both moved back to our parents house, his mom has a finished basement, so when we got back together we lived there... anyways... I know this is dragging. His sister has just been diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, and again, made my ex fiance take out his emotions on our relationship. He told me he wanted me to move out so I did, and I am back at my parents. I did no contact, including not contacting him on our 7 year anniversary... it killed me but I did it. After the 30 days I sent him a text bringing up a good part of our relationship... he was so happy I reached out to him, he couldnt stop texting me. I was barely answering back. He told me he misses me and still loves me and wants to see me. We where supposed to meet up but that same day he sent me a text saying he is now, from that night, in a relationship... with a 35 year old tattooed woman (we are 24 by the way) who has a kid and the DSS has the kid since she doesnt take care of him and parties, she has no job and no car... this is NOT the girl my ex fiance would EVER go for. Now he is posting it all over FB of pictures of them, saying they are in love... when they just met eachother 3 days ago... Please explain to me what is going on...
It's most probably a rebound. Perhaps, being with a careless person make shim forget about his responsibilities and worries in life. Not an ideal way to cope with life difficulties but many people choose it. I think you should start no contact again and stay away from facebook for a while.
I found out this woman does some heavy drugs. So this relationship cant be love, it has to be drug related. Who tells people they love eachother only after 3 days of knowing eachother? Clearly he is not thinking of his future with this woman because she is just a big mess. We have had a beautiful 7 years together... I thought I was going to marry this person. Thank god i didnt... but i still love him. How can this woman replace all we have had in 7 years in just a matter of 3 days? I barely contact him... I am not your typical psycho ex girlfriend. I am just letting him drive the car thats bound to crash eventually.
Hi, Kevin my name is Michael me and my ex broke up the week before our 3 year anniversary I asked her why and she brought up things from the past and saying I was too jealous and that I didn't care about her or love her. Our relationship is a long distance one now since she moved away to go to school but because of work i haven't been able to go see her for three months. But before that i was seeing her once or twice a month and it had worked for 6 months and now this is happening. She is acting really different going out and partying and drinking and she never used to do that and she is ignoring me completely what do I do.
Hey,
I don't think there is anything you can do to stop her from partying and drinking. Your best bet is apply no contact, make some positive changes and then contact her again.
Hi Kevin been away from my girl friend for about a month now... all the while i want her back even more...there is no means of communications though ...as its a long distance...not sure what i could do
Send her the letter mentioned in the article. Or send her one of the texts.
emailing would do? Because she changed her number and also the written letter am worried if that's going to reach someone in her house. On the 1st of March without my intention something got triggered and i got a message from her cousin that she feels am harassing her n she might even book a case against me .....not really sure whats happening
Hello Kevin,
Great work, however may I ask, they say time is a healer, so giving space, will create them to move on and get over us too?
Yes, time does heal. But it also makes your ex miss you. If you stay no contact for a long time (like 6 months) then it's quite possible that they will move on. I suggest a no contact of 30 days to 90 days. During this time, it does heal the pain of the breakup and it gives them time to forget about the negativity of the breakup, but it doesn't give them enough time to completely move on.
Hi kevin, thanks for the great article!
ive a couple questions!
basically this girl was crazy about me up until a month ago, we werent in a relationship because i had issues with my ex to sort out, but we kept in contact nearly every day for a year!, we would meet up and she told me how much she loved me etc.
so finally i no the time is right for me mentally to make something serious with her, but now she wants me gone and nothing to do with me, saying she doesnt want anything to do with me.
so the last few times we have talked, ive been desperate and needy and begging. she has told me she has met someone (since last week) and has been happier then ever (even though she used to say i was the best thing in her life)
so im basically on day 3 of no contact (struggling badly) but i wont be contacting her.
my question is this, should i keep everything like facebook statuses and snapchat stories private so she cant see them and keep some mystery to me or should i keep them public so she can see how great i am doing without her?
2. also my top friend on snapchat is a girl, the last 2 times we talked she made a point of asking me about her straight away (this girl is very hot, but ive no interest in anything serious with her) and seemed jealous, but at the same time said she cant trust me ( i pointed out im single and her top friends are guys too). can jealousy help during the no contact phase i.e having other girls in my top friends list or could it push her further away?
its hard to have one minute crazy about me and the next wanting nothing to do with me
thanks for any help!
Keep fb public. Yes, jealousy can help. Just don't make it obvious you are trying to make her jealous.
When you write is it posted immediately? Thanks!
Hey Susan,
If you are talking about comments, No. I have to approve the comment first before it is posted here.
hey kevin,
its been 5 days since ldr breakup with my gf,
i did the mistake by begging to her to give me another chance. but she refused. since then i accepted it and immediately started NC, so now is day 5 of NC.
does NC also work for long distance break up?
we had this ldr for this past 1,5 months after 13 months together, because she goes to college overseas for 1 year, where we can meet again in february next year.
and do i need to block his fb, line, bbm or etc?
she ever asked me to not delete her, because it looks like immature.
please i need ur advice
thanks in advance
You don't have to block her unless looking at her profile is keeping you from concentrating on yourself. And yes NC does work for LDR.
hey kevin,
why i keep thinking that i should text her once in a few days, because she currently in overseas, and i just think i shouldve been someone that care and encourage her.
am i wrong?
im 22 and she is 20 btw.
and i just want to give a suggestion,
i think its much better if you create a forum in this website.
Well, messaging her every few days just to show her you care is a little needy in my opinion. Whenever your no contact is over, contact her using the texts in the article.
As of now, my plan is to keep this website as a blog. Perhaps some time in the future, I'll add a forum. Thanks for the suggestion.
Hi Kevin, how are you doing? Well, I read your guide and I really liked the stuff you wrote since it's very clear and simple. But, you know that every situation is different. My ex and I broke up two months ago after a relationship that lasted seventeen years. I called him after a month and he did not change his mind. Now I know why. I had not been doing anything to improve myself and I was feeling terribly as I did at the very beginning of the break up. But, I have two questions:
1. when you work on yourself and, after a while you contact them ,what happens exactly? I mean, you may be feeling differently, but what about them? What changes in them?
2. I'm from a northern country in Europe and my ex lives in Spian...so how am I going to see him? Do you have any answers for this kind of situation. I was thinking about Skype, but he's not into that kind of stuff...
Thanks in advance
Well, since your ex knows you, they will pick up on your changes when you talk to them. And it effects them. They start thinking about you more. They start wondering what would happen if they got back together.
As for the long distance thing, if he is not interested in skype, you gotta keep contact via phone. Don't talk about getting back together straight away. Have fun conversation and start dropping subtle hints about the changes you've made. If you think things are favorable, you can consider going to his country for a trip.
We have been broken up for 3 months; but we talk almost every day. I thought we were headed to getting back together and when I brought it up last week; he said I backed him into a corner and he told me that he doesn't think we have a future together. He said his feelings changed and that I am very special to him and very important to him, but he can't be my boyfriend. I am not sure what to do; we have both went out on dates; and we have both have talked about missing each other; but he does not want to be with me. I am wondering if this is just hopeless. I have thought about the no contact; but what do I do when he texts me? I have never ignored him; if we are friends and talking; should I stop contact? And would that even really help or is too late?
Yes, you should stop contact. I think it'll help and even if it doesn't what do you have to lose? Just tell him that you need some space and time and you don't want to stay in contact with him for a while.
I made so many of the mistakes you have outlined, but at the same time I have already done many of the things you suggested to make myself so much better, and happy. At first when we broke up I had zero contact with her for months 1 and 2. She started messaging me saying " I love you so much, I don't even know what to do without you." It took me a while to answer but eventually I did. It seems your approach was working and I didnt even read it yet. More recently I had flipped the table and done the same to her. Like wrote her a letter etc. She has agreed to meet with me, but I had been sad so I texted her like 10 times in the last two days. She finally said "sorry but i want you to stop messaging me, I know its hard for you but its hard for me also."
Is there still something there or should I just move on like I had before?
It's your decision whether or not you should move on. There is probably still a chance of reconciliation but you have to decide how long do you want to pursue her.
I have been thinking alot about her recently and i keep coming up with the same answer that i think she is amazing and want to be with her. I am trying very hard to respect her wish and not contact her until the date we meet. Should I be respecting her wish and not message her or should I be actively messaging her>
Respect her wishes.
Hey , any ways to help my ex know to be not that confused of who he wants ? As in like clear up his confusion and not be confused if he has feelings for me anot
Give him some time and space.
My story, short relationship, very intense, after that i was one month abroad but the relationship even got more perfect talking everyday by phone.
When i came back after the first day she said more or less like she didnt like me like before and that she wanted to meet but occasionally.
After that i was through three weeks of no contact.
Finally in a casual meeting we arranged another one, things went perfect, we both have a good time and felt good, but next days by text messages she was again very cold, and like she doesnt want to talk with me.
What could be the problem? after the meeting i felt very optimistic.
Thanks for all! One more thing, i really appreciate ur advices by email, is there any way to also read all the advices that u already sent before my suscription?
Hey sky,
It's possible that the meting confused her and made her attracted to you again. She put her defenses back up which is why she is cold again. I'll recommend you back off a little bit if she is acting cold. Try again after a week or two.
And the emails are automated. That means that any one who signs up, gets all the emails no matter when they sign up.
Hey Kevin,
Fantastic article and right on time for me. I've been seeing this girl for a little over 3 months, things have been going very well but she has recently become bothered by a few things in her life, unhappy in the city she's in, recently started a job shes not extremely happy with and not much moral support from her family who are considering leaving the city. Unfortunately she is not capable of supporting herself comfortably so I believe she might consider moving cities with her family. Two days ago we had a talk out of nowhere in which she mentioned being sad/bothered about a few things, not us directly but affecting us. We've had some difficult talks in these three months, which ended in us having different opinions, but much of these different of opinion have to do with the relationship being new. Things can change in time. However she believes these opinion will not change, and I feel she is looking for reasons to walk away and make sense of her leaving. So we left things by me telling her we should take some time apart for her to think about what she wants. She has a trip coming up which will be perfect for her to think things over, the day she leaves is also her mother's birthday, and being a bigger man than this problem, I decided to send both of them flowers, happy birthday for the mom and bon voyage for her (I never got her flowers in the 3 months we've been together, I know, I should have). My questions to you is, do you believe 3 months is not enough for a plan like yours to work? Meaning its easier for her not to value what we have and walk away.
Hey,
It depends on how much her expectations were from the relationship. It might work if she considers you a potential long term partner. Regardless, giving her space is the right thing to do.
Hello Kevin,
I screwed up really badly. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in mid-January. I was going through a really hard time and I was letting a lot of it out on him. We fought more in that month than we did through out the course of our relationship. When he ended we both on the floor in tears it was right after I had said some horrendous things to him that I think lead to him actually ending it. I told him that he wasn't the person I fell inlove with and that our relationship was going anywhere. I just said it to hurt him. He started crying and said he had been getting the feelings occasionally that our relationship was unhealthy. He said this wasn't what he wanted either (breaking up) and that he loved me. I only found this website recently and I have been screwing myself over more and more. At first we both agreed on no contact until the 5th of Feb (we broke up on the 22nd on Jan). But he texted me a few days later asking how I was. We talked a little and tried hanging out as friends which resulted him getting angry at himself for trying to hug me and be initimate. A day or two later I convinced him to sleep with me a day or two after we broke up which resulted in me getting really upset and saying some more pretty vile things. I left in tears and wished him the best. He couldn't even look at me. The next day I sent him an angry message saying he had left me when I really needed him and that it seemed unfair. He responded saying he knew it came at a bad time and he was sorry but "it was shitty, and I was done" he then called me out on how terrible I had made him feel the day previous not only sleeping together but how painful the stuff I said to him was. I realized the next day that sending that message was very stupid and I sent him apology and said I could hope we could be friends. He said of course and that anyone going through what I was would react similarly. He then continued you to message me and text me and we talked all the time. He drunkenly tried to make me play a game that we had played throughout our relationship that meant a lot to both of us. I realized that with all this contact I was going insane and I needed some space. He said that was okay.
Of course being the idiot I was I texted him a day or two later saying lets hangout and he said he wasn't sure and in the end said he had a job interview. I wished him luck. And didn't speak to him. On the 13th of Febuary he sent me a message saying he hoped I enjoyed my trip which ultimately was just a trip that people go on to drink. I didn't hook up with anyone partially due the fact his bestfriend was staying with us for part of it.
After a few weeks I decided to try talking to him. It was awful I realized it made me feel really awful and I got scarily obsessive when I found out he was talking to a girl (who ended up being in a happy relationship in another city, whoops!). At first he was a bit cold and unresponsive, but by our second converstation we were fine. He hinted towards the fact that he wasn't busy throughout the week and had a lot of free time. I spent my time reading over and trying to find hidden messages in everything. But I also got easily offended at tiny issues when we were teasing eachother. We ended up not speaking after I made a slight quip about his hair which I had always given him grief about through out the course of our relationship. He read it and never responded. I apologized and he read it and never responded. This may also be due to the fact he had tried to talk to me the night previous and I just never responded. Before the argument I sent him my letter apologizing. My bestfriend who knows how much I care about him read it and thought it was excellent. I said nothing in the letter about getting back together I just made it clear I had accepted the break up, apologized for my unpredicatable behavior and comments and told him I was looking forward to the future. Yesterday, around four days after our fight, he sent me a text saying: I got your letter, I am glad you are doing better :) I am writing one back even though I am not much of a writer.
I am terrified this letter will tell me I have no chance and that our reason for breaking up was other than what I had though and had existed for a long time. I am terrified that the letter will pretty much assure me of the fact I have no hope.
I was thinking even after I read the letter we should stay out of contact for a month. And maybe start this whole process over again, excluding the letter due to the fact I have already written and he has responded. I am honestly heart broken. I know that we needed to break up because I wasn't seeking help and was becoming extremely unhealthy. But I know we also work well together, I know we want the same things in life and are more comfortable around eachother than anyone else. We inspired each other and motivated each other. Ultimately we were bestfriends and more. I really, really hope we can work stuff out and builder a stronger more patiend relationship, because I feel like if he does still love me and want to be with me, we can work towards that. Please help me Kevin.
Yours truly,
Rose
Hey Kevin,
I wrote to you last week. I have a question that I can't answer myself. Many people say the same thing to me, but I can't come to do it. Should I defriend my ex on Facebook? She kept us as friends and all our pictures up. I just hate going online and looking at it. I don't want her to think I'm giving up, but seeing this stuff is like a dagger.
How should I handle it?
Definitely unfriend her. Put your mental peace above everything else. If you want, you can explain to her later on (when you are back in contact) about why you did it.
I guess the reason why I've kept it is bc it scares me she's going to look at it as I'm giving up. What about the pictures?
K, well I talked to him, he let me talk and talked to me on the phone, but he still won't change his answer. He told me no matter what I say he won't change his answer, it feels like its hopeless. I told him to think about it, he tells me either he does consider it or not he won't tell me......is there any hope, it seems like it hopeless.....I'm getting sick of all this, but I too stubborn to just give up right now. He tells me to just let it go....but i really don't want to. I can't just lose him like this. I plan to make positive changes, but without him there no motivation to. I tried going out countless times with friends, which i normally don't but it just don't feel the same, it actually feels worse.
Hey T,
Like I said before, you need to stop chasing him and tell him you agree with the breakup. Unless you stop chasing him, he will not chase you. I know you are scared that he might think you have moved on and will move on himself. But you have already tried everything else, haven't you? You can keep doing what you are doing or you can take my suggestion and stop chasing him.
I afraid to stop, if I stop what if he don't come back at all. After i did the 30 day thing he still didn't come back, how do I know this is going to be the same again, I stop doing what I'm doing, and he just stops entirely.....feeling frusturated right now.
Hey, T did you ever experience rebellious age when you're teenage? What your mom told you not to do you do it. The more they hate, the more you want to do it.
Without telling him what he shouldn't do, and support him by giving what he want. This will make him stop and rethink, he might not know you well. This is somekind like push and pull theory.
Some quote: What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
Set him free, let him know the consequence without you in his life. If he will come back, he will.
How do you avoid him if you work with him during step one of the 30 days of no contact?
You don't avoid him. You just treat him like an acquaintance. Don't start any conversations with him. If he does, keep the conversations short and don't talk about anything personal.
Hey Kevin,
We broke up about 2 months ago. I had NC for a month, then messaged her and talked about 1-2 times a week. I asked her out a few days ago, it went pretty well and we kissed a few times and even held hands for a bit. We talked the day after and she said she had a blast, but I was rather cold and casual about it because I didn't want to jump back, I kinda hid my emotions as well because I didn't want to get my hopes up and get hurt. We have also texted every day since that day, with both of us starting conversations, and some of them went for hours. We didn't discuss getting back together. At some point though the conversation has taken a darker side, with her saying she's suspicious about me, thinking I'm just taking advantage of her, etc. This is obviously not the case, and if anything she is probably taking advantage of me, as she broke up with me and then kisses me, but I didn't want to bring it up and took the indifferent road again. We texted a bit the day after and things seemed casual.
It's probably worth adding that she didn't break up with me because I wasn't commited enough, or cheated on her, or didn't give her enough attention or didn't show her love and anything like that. She broke up with me because she stopped loving me. Hence my "keep your feelings inside" approach, at least until I know how she feels.
What do you think I should be doing next?
Thanks
Try meeting her again. Then wait another week and meet her again. After you've had a couple more fun dates, ask her if she wants to get back together.
Well, my girlfriend broke up with me a about 2-3 months ago, we talked like everyday since. She says she misses me but she's scared to get back with me because of my past mistakes. I realize what I've done and everything and I tried to let her know but she keeps saying that she's scared so she can't, she said she isn't comfortable anymore with me. I started to not talk to her yesterday, but she constantly texted me saying she's worried, so she kept calling and calling I was half asleep and I answered and she was panicking asking why am I ignoring her, I told her I'm just going to let us go and get my stuff together. Did I mess up by letting her know. What do I do, today starts day 2 of the 30 day no contact stage.
Tell her that you need some space and time to think things through and so does she.
Now, what if after seeing me looking confident, he becomes reassured that the breakup was for the best?
He might become reassured that the breakup was for the best. The breakup was in the past and it was in all practicality, for the best. But that doesn't necessary mean he wouldn't want to get back together. That wouldn't stop him from feeling attracted to you again.
So I let it go about 2 weeks no texting after stupidly being to needy. As we work together only a hi in the morning. The ex though has initiated a few conversations by stopping at my desk asking for help on stuff. So tonight stupid me out drinking having fun I end up texting Happy St Patrick's Day, Hope you are having a blast. Ex did not text back. So I suppose I'm suppose to wait another 30 days and try another text? I've been trying so hard to act like everything is normal when I see the ex. Just an act of course lol. Not sure how I should act while at work and when the ex stops by and will ask me to do this or that but yet wont even respond to a text u 2 to Happy St. Patrick's Day. Kinda confused.
Well, don't overthink it. It's your decision if you want to start no contact again. It was an innocent mistake. Don't beat yourself over it.
Kevin,
My gf split with me after 3 years.
It has been a month now, the last month has been very rocky, lots of contact & many many rows.
She has said to me that her feelings have changed for me, the love has gone. She said she has moved on and I should do the same?
Any advice mate would be great!
Follow the advise in the article Steve. It's worth giving a shot. If her feelings have changed, it's quite possible to make her attracted to you again using the methods described in the article.
I have a question and i hope you can answer it. Me and my girl was in a long distance relationship for 10 months. I broke up with her a couple days before valentines day and tried to get her back the day after i broke up with her. I sent her gifts and things like that for valentines day. She's an older woman, 38 and I'm 30. I broke up with her because she's always so busy that she doesn't want to talk. She just wants to text all the time even when she isn't at work. I told her before going into the relationship that I'm a person that needs communication to make a relationship work but i never thought that she would rely on texting so much. Things get taken out of context when it comes to texting and we have had many of arguments because of that. Anyways its been 6 weeks now and i only went 2 weeks no contact. She replied to an email yesterday in a positive way but should i go 3-6 months no contact? Does that actually work? She's not your average woman. She has a heart full of pride and i don't think she will ever admit to missing me or initiating contact. Hell, i told her i loved her on out last convo about a month ago and she didn't even say it back. She was just crying and then hung up the phone. She didn't want me to hear she was crying but i could tell. My question is do i still have a chance with it being 6 weeks and does no contact actually work? Thanks.
Hey,
I think no contact is your best shot. Even if you think she is stubborn and full of pride, it will give her a chance to miss you and think things through. Don't push her into getting back together after no contact. Get back in touch and start things slowly.
Hey. I was already following these steps myself. I did it subconciously. He actually came over and hung out with me today. He seemed like he was having a good time and hugged me before he left.
Great work. I hope things work out for you.
Hi Kevin,
if I don't at least show some tears, wouldn't my ex feel that I can live without him and that will make him feel relieved that he can leave me be, or my feelings don't get to him that I really am hurting :/
Is he showing you some tears? Does it make you feel that way? Or his indifference is making you want him more and making you more afraid of losing him every second?
Hi Kevin,
I sent a text, got a pretty good response, but am afraid to reach out again. Its been over three days since Ive reached out. How long is too long between contact if you did receive a postive ish response? I was hoping he would initiate now. We exhanged two texts each that day. Im just really nervous.
Thanks!!
Christine
Wait two more days then text him again. All the best.
Thank you !!!
Hi,
So I broke up with my boyfriend due to feeling like I was going to be left. (I have serious trust issues due to a horrible past relationship.) So I break up with him, go to Africa for two weeks for voluntary work, and we are both fine, however I come home, we have a small argument and we meet up, he kisses me and then texts me later saying he wants to just be friends as nobody gets hurt. After this we meet up again and I basically explain all of my reasons why I don't want to be friends and apologise for the breakup, however he still doesn't want anything. I see him everyday at school and have no idea what to do. I am trying the no-contact thing however I feel like this won't help and will make him get over me. I am completely head over heels with him and have no idea what to do. PLEASE HELP. Thanks :)
Apply no contact for only two weeks. Then meet him again. I think he will want to get back together. You should agree to be friends after no contact.
Hi Kevin,
I know I told you my ex split up and she put up her emotional barriers as she thought I might go back to my wife and not go through with a divorce. We'd been together 2 years. Whilst I've kept in touch every now and again to let her know I'm still there and I recently had a reply to say she's fine I knew I couldn't move on with her until my divorce came through as there was still no security from her point of view that I would proceed with it. Well my divorce comes through this week. But I'm now in a quandary. I know as her barriers are still up I can't tell her this in so many words. Just want her to know this then let her just think on it for a couple of weeks with no pressure. I would tell a friend of hers but don't know whether they would agree to say we'd bumped into each other and I told them. If they tell her I've phoned them I know that would be too direct at the minute. Did think about sending a note saying Marry Me, with or without a ring, which would be a subtle way of telling her I was divorced. Don't know whether that would really stress her though and keep the barriers up or maybe it would be the jolt she needed to see how much she means to me.Or maybe I could send her a letter like you have suggested and just say I have some good news I want to tell
her. Really unsure what the best thing to do is as I don't want to make a mess of it. Just want her to know that I have done what I said I would all along and that I am genuine and let it filter through for a couple of weeks. Which idea do you think is best Kevin? I would really appreciate your thoughts.
I'd go with the letter. Mention in the letter that you went through with the divorce (instead of creating curiosity as I say in the article).
Don't go with the friend route. Contacting ex's friend to get to them always backfires.
Thanks for the advice Kevin. I've got my fingers and everything else crossed!
Hey Kevin
me and my ex girlfriend recently broke up last month(early mid February)we have been together for a year and 8 months its a long distance relationship for now and we made it this far during the long distance relationship we spent alot of time together when I was with her and the day I left she gave me a present of all the things special to her and all the love letters she wrote to me and during the long distance relationship we texted everyday and video chatted sometimes she broke up with me a couple times because of the distance for a day then she wanted to go back out with me again so we did . But last month I accidentally sent her a text saying I want to break up but i guess it was already to late I told her it was a mistake but she said she just wants to be friends and she still cares about me alot and i'm still important to her and that we can still talk everyday so we did but then the next day we got into a argument then the day after it was my birthday and we got over the argument but she kept talking about this other guy(a year younger then her) and kept trying to make me jealous but I kept playing it cool then she told me she couldn't stop thinking about him on my birthday and I was extremely hurt and we got in another argument I made the mistake of begging and saying just give me another chance etc but she just kept saying I don't want to go out with you but i don't want you out of my life so I told her I was ok with that. Then on the same day I made another mistake by calling her randomly she didn't know it was me so we talked casually a little for 5 mins then texted a little I also sent her a thank you letter and stuff for a sending me a early birthday letter and card(before we broke up) she texted me saying she read it and it was horrible timing but it was nice and I told her I didn't send it to get back together with her and she said good and that she has a boyfriend now but she doesn't really show it like she did to me so I told her I needed space from her and that was last time I talked to her(March 3) its been 3 weeks now so should I contact her next week or wait it out?
Yes, contact her next week.
hey kevin,
my ex broke up with me over text in the middle of December. we dated for 3 years. She now is seeing somebody else, who happens to be the complete opposite of me. When she dumped me I told her "I hope you find someone who makes you happy." and she responded with "I want that person to be you. I've always been yours." yet she is with somebody else now. I've had no contact since December. Guy she is with now is bad news. Really bad news. i'm losing my mind, I miss her so much. I want nothing more than to try and get her back, but can't call or text because I want her to be happy, and it seems as if she is. They've been together for a few months now.. this means we are over right? anything you can tell me would be appreciated.
Hey Mike,
Don't be afraid to call her. I think it's worth contacting her once and try to get her back. If it doesn't work, then you can close this chapter in your life and move on.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks so much for your guide...it is helping to give me hope during this hard time. One question for you, but first some back story. My ex and I were together for 8 months, although it felt like much longer with how much time we spent together. That was always an issue, I just never realized how significant. He'd tell me he wanted more independence, more "me" time and I thought the changes I made were enough for him.
We only had 2 fights the entire course of our relationship. I breached the conversation of at our year mark living together (we are both in our upper 20's and were spending most nights together, and had been moving at a fast pace and it didn't seem that unreasonable at the time). He's lived with an ex before and it didn't work out, so he freaked saying he wasn't ready and led to an argument. Ultimately I had said I was fine with him not being ready, that I didn't need to know when he would be, and I thought we moved on. He came to me with changes he wanted to make in our relationship making it so we were not living together without officially living together anymore. I reacted emotionally (not with anger just tears-I'm emotional) because I thought he was taking a step a back...he said he wasn't and ultimately we decided to try it out.
The lasted for about a week when we had an argument over the phone and he let out that we had become a stress for him and he felt my happiness was dependent on him. A few days later we discussed and he said over and over that he loved me but we had become a stress for him and he didn't want to date a reflection of himself which is what I had become. We talked it about I admitted he was right and started taking all these steps to get back to being who I was, but he only gave it a week before ending it. I had NO idea before that conversation that he felt any of this. I had been convinced, and still am that our connection and the core of our relationship was strong enough to make it through anything.
The worst part is, he's right I did lose myself, and I am still following through with all the steps to get myself back, but my issue, is in losing myself and falling head over heels in love for the first time I stopped living in the moment and started only looking for the next step next step next step because I was so excited about where we are going. That led him to think we were on completely different pages and that he couldn't give me what I needed (someone to be with everyday and a fast path to engaged married etc). I realize now that I have some clarity that I don't want that type of a relationship either, I want a relationship where we both have our own lives because I don't want to lose mine. I also realized I am not ready for those next steps right now I am just happy being in love.
I want him to know (before we meet in a month or so- which we discussed doing while breaking up since we are both still so in love) that I've come to this realization that I am not ready for what he thinks I want/need. That person who gave him those indications was the one who lost herself, not really me, and that we are on the same timeline page. How do I tell him/get that message across. He is not one to respond well to letters/calls- he's a big texter, but you say keeps texts light and breezy so I am not sure the best way to approach it.
Hey Patty,
I think you should follow the plan. Keep no contact for about 2-3 weeks. Then get back in touch with him. When you contact him, don't talk about both of you being on the same timeline straight away. It will seem like you are saying whatever it takes just to get him back. Have some other fun conversations with him. Meet him a couple of times. Then bring up this topic of where you are at.
Thanks for answering Kevin!
Last question..he said as we were ending it that he didn't me out of his life, he would love to keep in touch and see where we are both at in a month, but he didn't want to make me any promises that he couldn't keep- i.e. promising we would get back together, but he said we'd see where we were at and maybe we'd both say this was fun and do it again. He told me to get out there in the mean time.
Should I be concerned he wants me to move on? Do you think we have a chance?
Yes, you do have a chance. You shouldn't be concerned about anything related to him. You should just concentrate on working on yourself and learning to be happy without him.
Hi Kevin
Thanks so much for the website. It's so amazing. I hope you can help me with my situation. My boyfriend (24) broke up with me (22) this January, just few days after our first anniversary. He's my real first love (I've only been in relationship once before and it only lasted for 1,5 months) and I'm his real first love (he's only been in relationship once before and it only lasted for 3 weeks). The break up needs to be done because it has been too much pressure lately between us which led to the break up. There was no domestic violence or infidelity in the relationship. Basically just us not being able to handle problems maturely and properly especially me.
I know he still loves me very much and he knows I still love him very much. We are open to the possibility of getting back together in the future even though we don't know what the chances are. We also lost virginity to each other so it makes us clingy to each other. Since we broke up in January, we have done all of the mistakes by staying in contact every single day, still showing affection to each other, having dates to each other as if we were still together but all of those don't make things better, they prolong the pain from the break up and also cause more arguments and fights because I feel he doesn't want to let me go but he told me he needs to get his life on track first before getting back together and he wants my life to get back on track too.
So today we had a big argument and he couldn't handle it anymore and we decided we'll be in no contact relationship for a while until we both recover. Knowing him well he's not flirtatious type of guy and I know he won't be in a rebound relationship because he's the kind of guy who would rather be single than to be in relationship just for the sake of it and he told me million of times that he's never interested in doing rebound. He also told me he's unsure if I can change (it's mostly my fault of not being able to handle issues maturely which led to the break up) and he told me for the time being he can no longer see the future with me. I hope that he just said it because he was very upset that we just fought again and I hope later on he realizes that there is still future between us.
I'm so confused right now. My ex told me he has given his heart to me forever and he has no interest whatsoever to be with anyone else. When he saw me few days ago he gave me a really big hug and didn't want to let me go. He also looked at me in the eyes for few seconds and he almost cried. But it seems that right now he's angry towards me and told me to leave him alone for a while to recover. I'm scared that the dreams we had built together will never come true. I have given my heart to him forever too but I don't want to keep begging because he told me that the more I do it the more I push him away. Do you think there's any chance whatsoever for us to get back together? or do you think he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore? Because he told me when he was very upset that he just wants to be single indefinitely. Please help me and sorry if it's long one. Thank you so much
Hey V,
I think you have a pretty good chance of getting back together. You did the right thing by initiating no contact. Give him some time and use this time to make some positive changes in your life.
I tried all these steps before and I should say that they actually work. My (now) ex-bf broke up last October. Our relationship started us good friends though when we met, it was very clear that we were very attracted to each other. We are very good friends (up to this point I think). We talked about not being in a relationship because he moved and we would be doing a long distance relationship if we decided to move forward. After months of talking, we decided to be bf-gf. And then things changed for him. He started to freak out and he told me he was not ready for a serious relationship, that I deserve someone better, that he loves me but he is unsure (you know, like the common blabber). I agreed on the break up and I followed everything on this plan. I did that no contact thing for 3 months, I enjoyed my life and I went out on multiple dates.
I must admit it was difficult and I missed him so after 3 months, I sent him a text message. I told him I need to talk to him about something. I wanted a clear closure for both of us. My plan of talking to him was to really tell him he was right about the fact that yes, I deserve someone better. But things didn't work out as planned.
He said he missed me. He was wondering how I was doing. He said he didn't call or text me because he was scared that I'll nag at him or I'll just ignore him. And then after 1 month of talking again, we decided to try again. We are very open about our feelings. We trust each other. We talk almost anything. We say we love each other. We were talking about the future.
And then when everything seems right, he decided to say the same blabber. He said he was not ready. He was wondering why do we get along so easily (he even wondered if it was platonic) and he was not 100% about us (he is on 95% ). He said our relationship is something new to him and he is scared to dip into it. He doesn't like change that much and being with me is totally life changing.
Now....I am very confused! What should I do about him? Is it time to leave him alone for good? Should I wait for him and hope that he'll realize what's he's missing? He kept saying he never understands why I understand him so well. Is he just scared? Please help!!
Hey Laura,
It seems he is just scared. It's for you to decide whether you should move on or try to get him back once again. But whatever you decide, I'll recommend you do no contact again for at least 3 months.
He's scared and or playing a game. I've been there before and even had it happen to me. You may want to think long and hard before getting back in a relationship with him.
Hi Kevin,
I am nearing the end of the no-contact period between myself and my ex-girlfriend. I am going to plan out the hand-written letter like you mention and drop that off once I feel happy enough that the letter is thorough.
My concern is that she won't reply. My ex has gone completely cold and almost disappeared off the face of the planet it seems - she has even managed to "move on" and begin seeing someone. All the while, I have been working on myself and feel a million times better now that some time has passed since the break up.
Do I begin to admit to myself that I may never get her back if she keeps distancing herself from me completely if she doesn't reply to the letter? or simply let the universe do its' thing and if I see her, on the odd occasion, hope my new found self-confidence will be enough to initiate some sort of communication?
Cheers,
Will.
Hey Will,
If she doesn't reply to the letter, you should wait another two weeks and try contacting her using a text message. If you still don't get a reply, then you should concentrate on moving on.
Hey Kevin
I sent a question last week but got an answer back! is this blog even legit?
Hey vani,
I never got a comment from you. I get a lot of spam comments on this blog so maybe your comment was marked as spam by mistake.
Hey Kevin,
I read your article and I really liked what you wrote! I'd like to talk to you a little bit about my background story. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and 8 months (it happened last night). We were both so much in love and our personalities matched very well ( we liked to lay around and play video games/watch chopped all of the time). Here is where it goes downhill...I am currently battling alcoholism. I am 7 days sober and in treatment and this is the reason for us breaking up. He told me he could not deal with the emotional heartache it gave him. Because of the whole alcoholism issue a lot of trust has been lost. I need advice here. Can your advice work for me?
Kristin
Yes, it will work for you. I am proud of you for taking control of your life and becoming sober. :)
hey
so ive been dating this guy for almost 2 years
weve had 3 brake ups now.The first time he did it he said he wasnt committed wanted to enjoy life and so forth. Next day i rang asking for my things but never happened he said chuck everything out, so i gave up.Later that week i had recived prank calls just ringing and hanging up to my house phone because i wasnt working at the time. 3 weeks later he texts me asking to have his stuff back n i left it the heaps of calls n txt to my mobile asking to sort things out so i did. We went back out a month later and did it the same thing broke it off and yeh wanted to be a party life cus he said he was to young . I called the next day begging for my stuff he said no to leave him alone and get on with it. At this point i got a job he knew were i worked and pranked called sum days and even my house phone still and 20 days later he called my mobile startd txting me then i ignored all calls msgs and he showes up to my house that night asking to get closure on the relationship when he did it himself .i went back out i did 6 months later, i want to explore things im to young at this time i told him face to face its either you want me on not im sick of this i never did anything wrong towards you in anyway and asked for everything back he refused again i feel he keeps it so he can contact me. This is the third time and his still pranking both work in 2 areas and home the next day after the brake up tho i didnt call or msg him about anything.and its like after 3 weeks of no contact he comes running back what do i do it been a week already he never exchanges our items every time he does this. when i left his house i told him never to prank call my work phones and house but he still did and im just confused please help me :(
Hey Ange,
I don't think there's anything you can do. You can't have any guarantee from him that if you do get back together, he won't leave you again. I think you should cut him off from your life and try to move on. But if you do want to get back together, I'll still recommend you stay no contact for at least 2-3 months. Let him know that you need 2 months of no contact and that you will contact him after that. Tell him not to contact you during these 2 months.
Kevin,
I really like your article. I think my situation is a complicated one. my girl was in a long relationship with her ex and her first year in college they broke up. In my eyes this has really hurt her and she was scared to love or open up her heart again, but she did with me. I have seen a side of her I think no one has seen. we were going for a while but we really didn't put a label on it. We had or fights and break ups and got back together. When we got back together everything was great but when we started to get to close she got a little scared. later on in our relationship, we had a talk and she decided that it was best for us to stop. I tried to move on but I can't. One weekend I ignored her when i saw her out and i was just talking to her sister. A few days after that I ended up asking her to talk. we talk a little about that night and she said that by me acting like that showed her that she made the right decision. during our talk I told her how much I missed her and really opened up to her (which probably wasn't a good idea). It seems like it didn't phase her at all. the reason why we broke up was according to her, we were arguing, my friends were not being nice to her, and I am graduating so she doesn't want to do long distance. I would do anything for her. we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. during that break she texted me needing help and i answered and the day after i asked her how her day went and we started talk but when she replied you can see she didn't want me to bother her (texting her back probably wasn't another great idea) I have read your article and i know the steps I need to take in order to try and get her back. I just feel like i am the one who always try to get us back I wanted to ask you do you think i should try and let her get us back together this time?
To me she is the one and I would do anything to get her back
Well, Even if you do get back together, you will have a tough time ahead when you have to do long distance. I'll recommend you let her go. If it's meant to be, you will get back together later in your life.
Thank you. I understand that long distance will be hard, but the thing is when I graduate i don't know where I will be. I could be close or far from her. this might sound stubborn, but i think she really does what to be with me but she is scared that something that happened in the past will happen again. But I will never let something like that happen to her. It might seem that i am being stupid with what I am saying but i am just committed. do you still believe the best thing to do it let her go?
In that case, I think you should try to get her back once. If it doesn't work, move on.
What do I do about snap chat. She can see if I open it. Its not really texting. Plus I just started no contact and she's gonna be in Florida partying with 15 friends including this new guy she likes. We were together for two years. She says this guy is great and she's falling for him. To me it screamed rebound but I'm not sure. Could she forget me if she has an amazing time down there with him?
Hey Nathan,
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about her going party. The best thing for you will be to enjoy your life as well and try going out as much as you can. I don't think so she will forget you even if she has an amazing time over there. I have not used snapchat so I'm not sure how it could affect no contact. But I think it doesn't really matter if you see her messages as long as you don't contact her.
Hi :) I really liked the article and i wanted to try it but there is a problem. I cant do the no contact rule because we are at the same class and e hve common friends. How can i get him back??!
Hey,
Just treat him like an acquaintance. Don't have any personal conversation with him and try to avoid him as much as you can.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks so much for your website, it's really helping me with what I'm going through. I was hoping you would be able to help with my situation. My ex boyfriend and I were so in love, it was true pure love, pure happiness, however, we are both highly opinionated and stubborn so we always clashed and argued a lot, even from the start (been together 1 year). However, the good times together, laughter were magical, we really fancied each other. We always said we were worth fighting for because of our connection and good times.
However, my ex boyfriend didn't have a regular job, just a few graphic design jobs here and there, he still lived at home with his parents and he is 30. He never had any money for us to do anything together, but I didn't mind, I wanted to be with him and kept thinking all his job applications would pay off soon. Before Christmas he had an operation and he was extremely down, he took it out on me a lot. He was down with life. We always talked about travelling together, however since he has no money he always supported me going on my own, so when I found out from work I could take a couple of months off work to travel, I thought he would be happy for me. Instead he said i deserve better, I'm an amazing person, he can't give me what I want. I told him I wanted him.
We broke up 2 days before valentine's day. I did the wrong thing, begged, pleaded, lost my dignity. He did this all on Whatsapp, said we aren't working and he has too much pressure from the relationship and needs to sort his life out. He said he's in a bad place and pushed me away. He didn't even want to pick up his phone all night. Then a few days later he texted to say he saw us getting back together but this break was good for us to grow and for him to get a job and sort his life out. A few days later he said he made him mind up and to move on. Then a few days later he texted me saying he was thinking of me and missed me. I met him the next day to get my things back, the moment we hugged he broke down. He texted later to say seeing me made him realise how much he loved me, he felt crazy for pushing me away but he had to do this and hugging me felt so right. He had to see how much we loved each other by breaking up. I admit, I'm not an easy girlfriend, I'm quite demanding and can be needy, this is what he wanted me to work on as he felt pressure from our relationship, even pressure when I called. He said he's never loved a girl as much as me, is he scared of commitment? A few days later, guess what, he said he made up his mind and he wants to see if it's easier somewhere else and I should too, and if we are meant to be we will be. I said I couldn't stay in touch with him and had to cut him out, he didn't like it, was crying a lot, but I can't handle being pushed and pulled like this. It's been 10 days NC, and I've not heard anything from him. Even though I said I had to cut him out I still want him to get in touch. What should I do? I really believe in us, he's the most amazing man I've ever met, Why didn't he want to fight for us? Are we worth saving?
My ex and I work together. How do I initiate no contact when I have to see and communicate with him very closely every work day?
Treat him like you would treat any other colleague. Don't have any conversation for more than 5 minutes. Be cordial, but distant.
Kevin
Thomas Hernandez
Hi Kevin I found your website after me and my wife separated after 7 years. I want her
back but, I can't help to think 30 days is okay or not because we have six kids and one of them is mine the other kids are hers but I love them all like they where my own. I had to make contact with about my little girl. Well she contact me saying " hay are you going to get your little girl today" and I had to answer the text. I said yes then she said " yes what" it kept going on like that so I stopped texting. In the beginning of the text she said "I have not talked to you in some time." But like I said I stopped talking to her and have not text her back. My story is very similar to, that one story about the guy that said how him and girlfriend where not connecting any more that I was not making myself more available to her, I would be on the computer to long. That kind of stuff, she spent sometimes all day on the computer. My mental state was not good and I was wreck. It had been a week and she was going to go shoot her bow with some friends when I got to the house to pick my girl.I asked the kids where is mom hopping not to run in to her. My kids told me that she went fish with a friend instead of shooting her bow with her
friends. I still hope I have chance with her if not I know what to do.
Hey Thomas,
Sorry you are in this situation. I think it will be a good idea to tell your wife that you need some time and space and you will not be contacting her for anything other then the children. It's OK to talk to her as long as it's about the kids. Other than that, follow the plan as is.
my ex keeps telling me he likes someone else now, i don't know if its a lie to get me to move on or not but its making me hurt and anxious that he may have someone else already.....
Ok, I don't if he's a rebound relationship or not, but he's been going out with friends in the middle of the night right after work, like past 1am, on top of it he's shown me a picture of a girl that he knew from highschool saying he like's her and things working out with her. After seeing her i kinda feel confident things won't work out, and by appearence i don't have to worry, but i'm still afraid he'll end up sleeping with her...he tends make dumb mistakes since i knew him from childhood, what should i do?
Hey T,
You have to accept the fact that he has broken up with you and technically he won't be doing anything wrong by sleeping with her. Like I said, you need to take a step back and show him that you are not needy. If you want him to start chasing you, you need to stop chasing him and start enjoying your life without him.
Hi Kevin, I read your articles and was wondering if you could give me some advice. I was with my ex for a little over a year and we have a baby together. He has 2 others from his ex as well that he never sees. When I was 7 months pregnant he told me to visit family for a few days while he works on his bike sence he's going to be gone and busy and I'll be at the house pretty much by myself. He didn't contact me or seem to want to talk to me while I was visiting family and one night at 1 am he broke up with me. I had this gut feeling to stop by his place so I did and another girl was there and didn't want to let me in. He made me leave and I had our son 3 days later premature and he's had a few serious surgerys such as open heart and some others done from being so little and he has made every excuse to why he can't be there for him while he's in the Hospital or to ask about him. He says this other girl Is just his friend but her dirty underwear and cloths were in his laundry basket along with her charger on my side of his bed. He said he was just doing laundry for her. He convinced his mom to let me stay with her sence Im new to the state and have no where else to go. He said that was so he don't lose me forever and I leave state. We got into an argument over the phone a few weeks ago because he wants me to pay his bills and I didn't and he called me a shity person and never call or text him again. He said if he wants to know anything about his son he will ask his mom but he hasn't shown any interest to ask at all. He has my car and stuff at his house and i had his mom ask if I could come get it and he said he had to pack it up but that was weeks ago and I still haven't heard anything about getting it all back. I have not contacted him like he told me not to but I still think about him everyday and have strong feelings for him and think about some how trying to work on things and be a family together even tho he's said before he doesn't want to and ones before made a comment that he wants to make sure i don't change my mind in a week or a month and be gone. I'm so confused. Have any Advise?
Hey Lindsey,
I really think you should leave him alone for at least the next 90 days and think if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person like him. I know you still have feelings for him and it's scary to raise a child on your own, but if you give it time, you will realize nothing is as scary as it seems. If you still want to get back together with him after 90 days, contact him and see if he wants to give it another shot.
Thanks Kevin, but why won't he give back or schedule a time for me to get my belongings? Why would he want it at his place taking up space?
He doesn't want you to move on. It's scary of him to think about you moving on. Even if he thinks doesn't want to be with you, it's still scary for him.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for your reply. The thing is, of all the points you have made about if I am ready or not, I'm aware of everything. I know that if I put all the work in getting my ex back, I may not succeed. And I know that I don't need him to be happy, nor do I think the world will end if we don't get back together. It will hurt but life will go on. I guess I am just hesitant because I don't want to rush things and make him suspicious. So far, he's been nice to me but how can I tell if he misses me or not? Anyone can act nice. He always reciprocates when I talk or text him (replying back right away) but I kinda need more than that. I just don’t know if I should continue talking to him like I should (nice and slow) or just back off for a while.
Well, I think he misses you. But if you are unsure right now, then back off for a while. I don't see any harm in waiting a little bit more.
Hey Kevin, please respond to me, I really need your help, really man. I never though I would have to do this, but here it goes. So, me and my girlfriend are together for almost 2.5 years. We always were like best friends, best of lovers, we had great intimacy, we got the same group of friends, our friends say we are great together and we really really loved each other, we even know each others parents. It was like a fairytale. We went to prom together, she wrote beautiful things for me. Of course, from time to time we had our arguments but not a big deal. We couldn't go to college this year like our friends, so we are still in highschool. But since mid November (when we had a huge argument and she got really hurt) things started to change I think.. She started to stop being so caring and just doesn't show me that love like before. In the Christmas time Holidays things got a lot better, like before. But after that things went downhill again. She stopped wanting to be with be and wanting to me to take her home. She is getting "cold" with me. We don't have intimacy anymore. Then, at Valentine's Day she was going to be with me and her grandpa past away unfortunately. From then on it was even worse. She didn't talk to me so often and looked very distant from me. Then like a week or two later she comes to talk to me after class and says she wants "time" for her. She said she didn't knew if she loved me anymore neither she knows what she wants. I couldn't take it. I started to cry in front of her. She said we could still be friends, hugged me, and went away. After that I didn't contact her, and the next day, after class, she said she missed me and wanted me to talk to her. I continued to not talk to her. The day after that, she was going home and I hugged her. She was almost crying, and then we kissed a lot. When I got home I recived a text from her saying "I love you stupid (heart)", I responded with I love you too. As we have many friends in common in the next week we went to 2 parties together, where in one I got very drunk and started crying and saying how I loved her so much etc.. In the other one I was pissed of because she wasn't giving me any attention. The thing is that, in almost everyday day of that "time" she wanted, we kissed. Then, one day we were together many times, we started joking around, then she went to my home and we kissed. She got home, and we started to talk. She said she wanted to continue the relationship, but I should stop being so "needy", because she wanted the time, because I was always kissing her, saying I Love You, hugging and stuff, so she felt pressured. I agreed. But the following next days were a bit strange. Some days we were very happy then in the others she was being annoyed and always bored. She continued not wanting to be with me apart from one day, and we don't text each other much now. I feel she is letting go of me all over again. I don't know why, I stopped being needy, I don't know if it's because she isn't all the time with ther friends anymore, because she really really likes them. She doensn't show me love, she has fun with other people, but seems not to enjoy being with me, she just doesn't seem to me the girl that I love or that I met 2,5 years ago. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about this because I have the feeling she will break up with me if I do. But I miss the old days that I was so much happy with her and she with me, we had fantastic sex, we texted every second. Now I feel always sad, with ansiety, I can't eat or sleep we'll, and sometimes I just feel like crying. I have always tough that she is the kind I want to marry with someday and have kids, I would do anything for her and I want to go to the past again. What should I do Kevin? Do I talk to her? What do I do if she breaks up with me? Should I stop contacting her, even though we're in a relationship? Help me, please Kevin..
Hey,
What's the point of a relationship if you can't talk about the things that are bothering you. You said you want to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't share your problems with them fearing they'll break up with you. Let her know what your problem is. Make sure you are not being needy when you are communicating. If she breaks up with you, you can't really do anything. You are young, I'll recommend you try to move on and find someone you can share your problems with. I know it sucks that she changed, but she did change. And you can't change her back. Only she can. If she is unwilling to change, you should find someone who is more compatible to you.
I really suck at this no contact thing. It's very hard to ignore his texts and calls, and when I do answer it's very hard to treat him like an acquaintance. We still laugh and talk like we are dating and he tells me I look pretty and that its hard not to tell me he loves me "out of habit". I told him I missed him without really thinking and he said he missed me too and he still loves me and then he had to go and said he would talk to me later. How is he supposed to miss me if I'm still around ? Help I need motivation to keep this up so he knows I'm really gone and he cant choose when he can and can't have me in his life.
I'll recommend you tell him that you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you.
My bf broke up with me a week ago... There was no contact on both sides until wednesday morning when he msg to say good luck in a job interview... further that evening he messaged to ask about the details of the interview... To all those messages i didnt reply...On friday he messaged me to tell me about things that going on in his job/workplace..I still didnt reply... Today he messages again to tell me about work opportunities in the newspaper...I Have not replied... I am confused...why is he being nice and all concerned... if he is one who wanted to end the relationship and no longer be with me? What should i do?
I’ll recommend you tell him that you need some space and time and you’ll appreciate it if he doesn’t contact you for a while.
Hi, so my girlfriend of 13 months broke up with me and said she didn't love me and wanted to like other guys. She says I was a good boyfriend and everything but she didn't feel the same. I asked her for another chance and to try and work it out but she said no, I talked to her the next 2 days, nothing too aggressive though. I haven't talked to her in a couple days as we are on spring break, but the problem is I know she will initiate contact when we get back to school (we go to the same college and have 2 classes together). I need to know how to respond to her and if there is any change I can make quickly and how to deal with no contact rule with her. She initiated contact 2 days after by sitting next to me and says she wants to be friends and she still cares for me as a person. How do I work these steps, and should I wait over summer (we live 6 hours apart) to ask her out formally. And if they don't come up with the idea of dating again how do you ask them? Thanks
Hey Dan,
You tell her you need some space and time for now. Then you follow the steps.
Arrrrrh! So here goes!!!!!! Me and my ex...where do I start??? We met when we were 13..broke up when we were 18...got back together at 20..then broke up at 25! He wen't off and had 2 children with another woman and I moved 100 miles away to start a new life and we didn't have any contact for 8 years!!! We finally made contact again last year in September and we fell back in love the very same day..we missed eachother so much over those 8 years and had many regrets. Unfortunately we were in a long distance relationship that only lasted 6 months :( He found it difficult and was having personal problems with the children and ended up having an affair with a woman from work (yeah I know... A Hole!) - So we broke up in February..I left him..didn't contact him for 2 weeks (Oh that was after I publicly hung him on Facebook, messaged the woman he was having an affair with, and sent him some VILE messages) - He pleaded with me to meet! I kept declining... then one day like a fool I had this gut feeling to drive up to his place of work..walk in and show my face then leave..then made my way to his house! But that night he ended up in a big car crash and hit a tree at 60mph per hour..escaped death! Anyway we ended up talking that night and I told him I would give it another shot..and as soon as I did this I gave him the power back! Then he turned it down, he says he needs to sort his life out, his personal and financial problems..that he will always love me, and how we should be friends whilst he is sorting his life out! But I feel like he just wants me to hang around..When we broke up before we were never able to be finds as we just find it too difficult! So after a few chats on the phone I accepted that it was over. This morning I had a weird message from him thinking I had 'blocked' him on Whatsapp (which I never) which shows how he wants me around but can't commit to anything right now. (He really is in a bad way right now, his life is falling apart and the only way he can deal with it is on his own and I get that) - So I have decided to begin the no contact rule AGAIN from today? He just knows that I will always be there..it's been 20 years! I am a fool...I want him back so badly! But it's so difficult being so far apart. Just wish I could leave him for good but I cant :(
Hey,
Give him time. Let him know you need some space and so does he to sort out his life. I think things will work out for you. All the best.
Hi Kevin, my ex and I broke up about 2 months ago and while I've been making positive changes in my life post breakup, there's not a day that passes by without thinking about him. Today is his nephew's birthday and it kinda torn me that I will never get to attend family events with him since we've broken up. I felt we really did share a real connection having many things planned out for the future. It all felt so real that sometimes make it hard to believe we're not together anymore. His family days like today makes it all the more unbelievable. And somehow the message that he sent previously "it just doesn't feel the same anymore...." keeps replaying in my mind every now and then even though I try not to think about it.
I can see that he is very fb active (as last time) and I try to be as well since you shared about how to use fb to get him back. But my posts are not photos of me and my friends, but more like sharing links that we would both have thought would be interesting. Still, I'm not sure if that would made him miss me because he might think I'm just trying to get his attention. I haven't text him for 2 weeks because I didn't want him thinking I'm still into him. I tried the messaging techniques after 30 days of NC and that's when he wanted to know if I've moved on, and I said yeah because I didn't wanna be an emo chick, just that I felt we did share a real connection which we might not even find with the next person in our lives (considering we had been together for 5 years and had so many plans during the rs.) But he said "it doesn't feel the same anymore.." and that's when I reframed the breakup and established the "false friendship".
After that I just texted him once a week for 2 times and I decided to stop because I know we might be meeting with mutual friends soon so I didn't want to look like I'm still into him and all. Besides, I want him to think I've moved on. But sometimes, it made me wonder despite making positive changes like getting a new hobby and injecting positive energy into me (considering I'm a very negative person), I still find myself thinking about him. I'm not sure is it because I have very few friends that's why I can't get over him while he have many friends that's why he got over it quickly and that's why he lost attraction for me when I previously felt like I had to compete for his time and eventually became needy. But I don't see how it's a friends issue because I think I've become rather independent and I can immerse myself in painting (my new hobby) that I think it doesn't matter if my friends have no time to go out because I can be happy by myself too. And even when I'm happy and contented, I still miss him.
What is your take on this?
Hey Kevin, I hope you can reply to my concerns above. I'm about to meet him next week with some mutual friends and I'm really nervous because these thoughts start coming to my mind. Most of the time I felt I'm ready and am confident to meet him, but when I saw pictures of him on fb, I got really nervous. I begin to wonder am I really able to not be nervous around him when he's rather indifferent (I mean the last we met, he was rather indifferent). And then came the "it really doesn't feel the same anymore.." text 2 weeks later. And even though I established the false friendship, I haven't kept up with it in case he thinks I'm still into him (considering I'm "liking" more of his fb posts and texted him weekly before that). Now I'm so nervous because it's as though I like someone who doesn't likes me.
Hey Tan,
I think you will do just fine. I want you to accept the fact that even if things don't work out with him, you will still be happy and you will still find love in your life. This is not the end of the world. There are many guys out there who will be lucky to have you. You are an amazing person and I am proud of you for coming this far.
And just for the record, I think he still likes you, despite that text. You need to stop obsessing about what happened in the past. It doesn't mean that he is still feeling the same way. Live in the moment. Stop worrying about the future and stop obsessing over the past.
Hey Tan,
How did it go with giving him the painting? I think if you give yourself more time, you will eventually stop missing him as well. I will also recommend that you start dating other guys if you think you are ready for it.
Hi Kevin, I have yet to give him the painting. Am only gonna meet him next week. Sort of calmed myself down for abit and decided to not think of him as my ex but to act as though he's someone whom I rejected that's why he's indifferent. Although now he did say it doesn't feel the same anymore, I felt the reason for the breakup was due to our routine dates, so routine it got boring and I became needy as he got busier with work and am always wanting to meet him. That's why he lost the feeling of wanting to chase me because he knows I'm always there. I realized the person I didn't want to be so I'm improving myself to become a better person. And that's why most of the time I feel confident to meet him again because I know it's no longer the past me. All I need is that chance to meet him next week. I can't tell what's going to happen in the future but I don't wanna lose hope. I'm just wondering as a man grows older, would he consider more of the aspects he looks for in a wife or rather go along with the flow of any feelings he might have for anyone then see whether it's worth a compromise for her to become his wife? What's your advice?
It depends if he is looking forward to starting a family or he is still unsure if he wants to settle down. Yes, as men grow older they start searching for a wife. But as they grow older, they find themselves more attracted to a girl who will be more suitable for a long term relationship as opposed to girls who are not.
Again, I think you have come a long way and you'll do just fine when you meet him. Don't over think it. Whatever happens, it'll be for the best.
Hi Kevin, should I give him the painting privately on our way home (considering that we stay quite close and have to take the same route back) or should I give it during small chats with our mutual friends? Like you know, maybe if he and I weren't engaged in the talk with our friends.
And I'm not sure how I should react when we part ways. Should I say something like "it's really nice meeting you. Bye." or just say bye. Because he can always read my eyes. If I were to say the former, he'll think I'm still into him. If I were to say the latter, he'll think I'm still emotional about the breakup. I don't know how I can part ways and subtly make him curious if I still have a thing for him. Something that would initiate the chase.
You are overthinking it. It's going to make you look needy. Just be yourself. Whatever you feel like doing at the moment, do that. Just remember, you don't need him to be happy in your life.
As for when to give the painting, it might be a good idea to do it privately (on the way back). But the other option seems fine as well. All the best.
hey kevin, thanks for the great article.
hope it works for me.
just wondering after the breakup,
should i immediately no contact, or should i tell her that i accept the breakup first,
getting confused with the steps,
thanks
Start no contact.
Hi Kevin.
This will probably be pretty long and be alot to take in, but i need more advice on what to do..
So, me and my boyfriend only broke up almost a month ago, we were together for almost six months but had been seeing each other for a fair while before.
He's not exactly one to open up and talk about feelings or anything really but he has started opening up alot more now that we've broken up, go figure.. he said that i've made him be a more open person and a more confident person too. But he's just not in love with me is the thing. he told me that he did love me and then turned around and said that he just said it because he didn't know what else to say when i told him that i love him.
We've talked pretty much everyday since, and i live where he works which is making things difficult, but all that we've done is argue and fight and i've come to the conclusion that i've pushed him a little too far by always asking him to talk to me and i usually get pretty pissed when he doesnt reply and i send him another million texts until he replies, silly i know.. BUT, it's so hard to not talk to him when we lived together for a while so its hard to go from being around him everyday to pretty much nothing..
He has stated that he wants to sort his life out and that he needs to be alone for a while, which i am starting to respect but its still really hard. we sat down and talked about everything and he said he would talk to me and that we could be friends but he isn't doing anything to prove that whilst im trying my hardest to make friends work. He then told me after a few days that he only wants this to be his place of work and the he'll say hello from time to time but wont talk all the time so im a little confused as to why he all of a sudden changed his mind. My first thought was that he was talking to someone else already which made my blood boil. i then asked him if he was to which he denied... So my head is all over the place, i don't really know what to think or do. I'm trying to not text him all the time but it's just so hard. And considering he works where i live now as i know the people and had also previously lived here before i moved in with him so we always see each other which in my case doesn't help at all.
I've tried to tell myself to not be in the area where he comes and goes from work but like, it's my home and i just feel like i'm giving him the ability to in a way kick me out while he's here which is only 5 mins four times a day and it makes me feel uneasy about what to do. I mean, i could stay in my room but thats giving him the power to control me in my own house in a way i guess.
So, really im not sure if this NC rule is going to apply to my situation.
Though, i have thought about just staying in my room and not contacting him and not making myself known to him when he comes and goes, and ive thought that maybe in a way that would make him wonder why im not around when he comes and goes and he'll start to think like 'why?' But either way he knows im still here and i know hes still here.
so its a difficult situation really.. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Stay in your room, and even if you go out, just give him a simple hi and don't talk to him. Like I said in the article, you'll have to apply limited contact. Don't text him or call him, just treat him like an acquaintance whenever you see him.
Hey Kevin,
I tried to subscribe to your newsletter but i'm not getting the confirmation email...
I checked the spam box and everywhere else.
Please help.
Hey Abe,
The confirmation email has already been sent. Please check again.
Hi Kevin -- ADIVSE PLEASE ~ I sent my first ATB this morning…hands shaking.
ME: – Hey. There’s a replica of your old jeep parked outside of my apt. It reminded me of when you tried to teach to drive stick, and that made me smile. I hope things are good!
HIM : …..Hi. I have to admit that my heart stopped for a second when I saw your tex….Funny how that works huh? I wish I could have finished that tast w/the jeep, among many that I didnt. Im sorry youre not a Formula driver at this point. Everthing is good w/me I guess. How are you?
ME: haha. The way I was grinding those gears something tells me it would have taken many, many……many lesson. Im good, thanks! Work has been crazy. Speaking of which, running to a meeting :)
HIM: Nahhhh …you were great Im glad everthing is good and you’re doing well :)
So….whats the next step….is this good???? Hoiw long should I wait to respond?
Thanks for any input!!!
Seems good. Keep texting him every 2-3 days.
Hi Kevin,
I wish I found your website sooner. I'm heartbroken and devastated. He is my first relationship, so all I really thought was that I can be open and honest in a relationship and it will work out. He broke up with me three weeks ago after being together for 1.5 years. I accused him of lying to me since he informed me that he was tired which is why he did not want to see me. Yet, I found out from one of his boys that he was with them for the night. I believed he could have told me and it would have been fine. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Mind you, this happened right before he left for his trip to another country with his boys. I continued to badger him throughout his vacation on facebook messaging finding out what went wrong. He kept saying we're not a match since I broke up with him previously and within 5 months during that break up, we started dating again. I left it be for 2 weeks and again, I asked for his forgiveness for always trying to resolve situations and that I can change by not over-analyzing everything which I know it bugs him. Possibly, we can be friends again since I still care about him. He replied indicating this decision is permanent and that I cancelled his friendship on facebook for whatever reason. He does not want it to work it out nor will he want to tell me why our relationship did not work out. He has moved on and he suggested I do so as well.
Does this situation sound as though I have 0% chance of getting him back even if I apply the no-contact rule? And that there is no way of rectifying my past mistakes?
Thank you so much.
Hey Connor,
I think you have a chance to get him back. You just need to apply no contact, agree to the breakup and then build attraction again.
Kevin
So here is my story.. My ex and I recently broke up about a week ago (dated 1 day short of 6 months) We got into a huge fight a 5 days or so before we broke up because she said she wanted space, i didn't talk to her for that time and i asked her if i could come over so we could talk in person. while i was over we yelled at 1 another.. She said that she no longer loved me, when I asked why she said that she "just dosen't feel about me in that way anymore".. i tried to say everything but nothing would get her to stay. When i got my cloths back the next day She gave me everything back (besides the things i bought her). She has all the pictures of us and the gifts on her instagram until yesterday when she deleted them all. I have been in no contact with her since we broke up hoping that it will work. What should I do??
Hey Austin,
Like I said in my reply over here, you need to follow the advise in the article.
Hi Kevin,
I have a question about my break up situation. I think I might've ruined my chances of getting her back for good, let me know if you think I can still get her back after this horrible desperate shit I did. Me and my ex fiancé were together 3.5 years when she broke up with me. She broke up with me cause she said I was too negative all the time, I stopped paying attention to her, she got scared of my temper when I tore up our apt after we got in a fight one time (I never laid a hand on her though and would never) she said I was depressed and lazy, so she broke up with me. After our break up I started working out again, started trying to improve myself, we were still friends, I was going over to her new apt and hanging out and watching movies with her and even spending the night sometimes, I even had a key to her new place. One day about two months after our break up I just showed up at her apt and she was there with another guy, one of her co workers, I flipped out, I did everything I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it, I was a wreck. I grabbed the guy and threw him out her front door, she was screaming at me to leave and she doesn't love me anymore and we're not together she can do what she wants, I was crushed. I hated her for a good two days, I wanted to get her back for breaking my heart so I did some pretty horrible things that I regret now. I contacted her work and told them I found her with one of her hooking up with one of her co workers (they work at a bank so this is against company policy) I text her grandma and told her grandma that I caught them (I was not mean or rude to her grandma) and I messaged one of her friends on FB telling her how I caught them (her friend doesnt like this guy). Anyways that's the crazy shit I did, pretty bad huh? I know, I'm so ashamed but I was a mess at the time. She still has her job, when they contacted me back, I told them I made it all up. Do you think I can get her back after all the crazy shit I did or I have I done too much damage? Is what I did worse than cheating? Cause I know guys get their girls back after cheating all the time. I'm on day 23 of no contact right now and it's killing me, I miss her and love her so much still. What do you think?
Hey Ryan,
Damn, that was some rampage you went on. But it's understandable. I think what you did was just out of anger, and there is a chance that she might understand and forgive you. Don't forget to send her the apology letter mentioned in the article. I definitely think it's worth trying one more time.
Hi Kevin,
Firstly, I have the same problem as Samantha with regards to the NC rule... But let me explain. My ex boyfriend and I dated for 2 years and a measly 6 days. We were the best of friends since high school (6 years ago). We had a long distance relationship as we studied in separate places (130km apart) however, we saw each other just about every weekend. We both changed a lot over the last few months of our relationship, things seemed to be irreparable to me so I broke it off with him on Sunday the 2nd of March (so nearly two weeks ago). We had broken up in January but only for one day. Even though I ended it, he seems to have backed off completely. We decided not to speak and after not messaging him for a day, he sent me a message saying he didn't want it to be like this. After this happened, I have (embarrassingly enough) been "that" ex who realized I may have made a mistake and tried calling, begging and pleading for another chance. This did not have the effect I had wanted. After I read your website I decided to back off a bit, but he seems to just be going partying every single night and almost forgetting about me. He said he doesn't know right now whether we are done forever but he never wants to think about me being with someone else and that he didn't want any kind of a break up but then he backs off completely. Is he trying to have the power over the situation right now? Is he maybe hurting badly and that's why he's withdrawing? Is there a chance I could salvage a chance with him?
Regards,
Jocelyn
It's hard to say what he is going through. But if I had to guess, I'll say he got put off by your begging and pleading. He realized that you will be waiting for him, he might as well enjoy the single life for a while. I think you have a good chance. Try no contact for a while and then contact him again. I think he will try to keep you around as his backup. Don't fall into the trap.
hello kevin,
my ex and i have been separated since christmas 2013, i have recently accepted that its a breakup because he stopped taking my calls, and even deleted me from his BBM and when he eventually contacted me in early january, he said he had some psychological issues and that he would get in touch with me when he is sorted. i decided to stay away for a while and he called a day to valentine and we chatted as casual friends and he sent me an sms on valentine day that he has me in his thoughts but i deserved more. and that was the last sms i got from him. i have tried calling him after that but he wont take my calls so last week i decided to go off his radar and stop all avenues to communicate with him. what do you think? I have come to the realisation that he loves me as much as i love him, but he feels that he doesnt deserve me or he cannot afford to have me. i just wan him back
If he is not open for communication, you should try using the letter mentioned in the article.
Hello,
Thanks for the reply earlier!
I have been reading all over the internet, and I found an article that talks about how NC is a bad idea and that it will not make your EX miss you or initiate contact. They will simply think that you are moving on and that they should too. Now I am confused as to what to do. My (recent) ex told me yesterday that He does not want to be in a relationship with me or anyone right now because he hates it. And that there is a chance we will be together in the future. When I text him he does reply depending on what I texted him, and when he replies its sometimes distant. Sent him a simply neutral "Goodnight and see you in class tomorrow" because we go to the same university and have 3 classes together. He did not respond to that as I expected him not to.
So my question is,
NC or not? Some articles say yes do it do it! some say DO NOT and to keep open communication and positively so that he keeps thinking of you. ugh so confused!
Please help provide guidance if you can.
Samantha
Hey Samantha,
Different people have different opinions about no contact. The reason I recommend no contact is because it gives you time to regain your composure and decide whether or not getting back together is a good idea. It also gives your ex some time to miss you and stop thinking of you as a needy desperate person who is always available for them. If you are worried that you might push him further away with no contact, I recommend you inform him that you need some time and space and that you won't be contacting him for a while.
Hey,
so my girlfriend broke up with me via text... that's right. text. we dated for almost 3 years. I told her "I hope you find somebody who will treat you like a queen and will be better for you than me." she responded with 'i want that person to be you, I've always been yours always will be." wellll found out she started dating somebody else about a month after. kid is the complete opposite of me. I haven't called or texted or anything. she has an instagram but no other social media. my sister tells me she posts pictures of them together but her profile picture isn't of them (she is one of those girls who will always have a couples profile picture.) we broke up mid December. I haven't contacted her, she hasn't contacted me except for one text she sent at the end of December that said "I saw a picture your sister posted of you, and I just wanted to let you know it made me feel sick, I just didn't want you to think I was having an easy time with this." i'm losing my frigin mind man. any advice?
Hey,
If you haven't contacted her since December, it's time to contact her now. I hope you've made some changes in your life by now, if not then start doing so. Use one of the texts in the article.
My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. Went 17 days of no contact, but caved and sent him a text. Luckily it was positive response back from him but didn't want to push my luck, so I didn't reply. We also work together so ignoring is impossible. The other day we crossed paths and spoke briefly and he complimented my new hairstyle and said he liked it. The 2nd time we ran into each other he seemed way more comfortable around me and spoke first. The remainder of the day when we crossed paths, we would smile at each other. He even held the door open for me once. Should I continue no contact? (By the way, I did start NC over after I sent him that text, but since we work together, it's hard to ignore him without coming off as rude)
Don't start no contact all over again. If you did, make it 20 days this time. And be receptive to him if he tries to contact you. After 20 days, start contacting him.
Why 20 days?
Well, since you got a positive response from him, it might be a good idea to contact him a little sooner than waiting another 30 days.
I don't even know if I'm ready. Every interaction with us has been good and we've spoken twice now and it's been nice and cordial. He smiles at me every time we cross, but again, I'm not sure if I'm ready. I don't want to rush into anything nor do I want to give off the impression that I want to get back together (even though I do). I've been working on my confidence and self esteem since he broke up with me last month but I'm not where I wanna be yet. The reason I know that is because I feel nervous and shaky internally when I talk to him. Sometimes a short conversation is all I can do. I don't know how to fully engage yet. I mean, how do you know when you're ready?
Hey Marissa,
In that case, you should wait for as long as you think you need to be ready. You know you are ready when you are absolutely sure that even if things don't work out with your ex, you will not be devastated and you will still continue leading a happy and fulfilling life. You are ready when you have accepted the breakup and the possibility that you two might never get back together. You are ready when you feel like there are endless opportunities out there to find happiness and love, and even if things don't work out with your ex, you will find love again.
Kevin,
So I dated this girl for about a year. We really were great. We had all the ingredients for a good relationship listed in another one of your articles. We broke up suddenly, and for reasons I think could have been resolve without a breakup. I did everything you say not to do after a break up, but still somehow managed to get her back. While we were broken up, a lot of bad things happened. We hurt each other in a lot of different ways. As a result, when we did get back together, we fought about things we never fought about before. We both acted like different people. In reality, both of us were still angry and hurt over all that had happened after our breakup. She blamed the breakup totally on me and told me that she was just so angry at me for ruining what a good thing we had. After going through this for a month or so, she broke up with me again saying it was a bad time. She said she needed to be single. She said she needed time to figure her life out because she didn't know what she wanted. She told me she couldn't give me the kind of relationship I wanted because she couldn't open herself up to me like she did before after being hurt so bad. She still claims to love me and said she hoped we would be together again some day. Of course, I didn't take this very well because literally like 3 days before she said she thought things were finally getting better and that we were just as in love as we had ever been. I proceeded to make a total fool of myself and once again did everything you say not to do after a break up. After embarrassing myself multiple times I apologized for hurting her and ruining everything and said I would let her go because she deserved better than me. We haven't talked in about 3 weeks, although I did email her earlier today asking what she wanted me to do with a ring I have that belongs to her. I just found this website tonight. After 3 weeks of no contact, I still can't sleep for thinking of her, but I am getting better. I am deeply in love with her and would really like to have back what I lost, but at this point I'm thinking there may be no chance of that. I did pretty much everything that I shouldn't have done in order to have a shot at getting her back....twice. Any advice?
-Jordan
Hey Jordan,
I think you might still have a shot. And I definitely think it's worth trying at least one more time. I'd say continue no contact for one more week. Send the letter. Wait two more weeks. Then contact her using one of the texts.
Hi,
My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I are broke up about 3 months ago. We were still living together and now she has moved to another place more convenient for work. She had a couple online emotional affairs during the last couple months of our relationship. We are best friends still and I know she still loves me...just not sure if she is in love with me. She has always said that we need the space so that she can figure stuff out for herself and have me grow up as a man. We still text each other everyday and see each other a couple times a week...what should I do???
Do no contact for a while.
I was foolish, I decided to initiate no contact today.
I found out (in a sneaky way, without her telling me directly) that she "fell in love" with someone (she falls in love easy) and slept with them but the other guy doesn't want a relationship with her. I am the only one financially and emotionally supporting her during this tough time as she is sorting stuff out in her life.
We are best friends, text everyday and hang out on the weekends. Today, I told her that I had to stop talking to her for a bit to take care of some unfinished business. She's been texting me like crazy wondering "what is it? what do you ahve to do, tell me!"
Does she still love me? Should I even bother trying to get back with her. I'm, really messed up too...
She probably still has feelings for you. Whether or not you should get back with her, is for you to decide. You're messed up, so apply no contact and get yourself together. If she continues texting you, tell her you just need space and time.
Hi Kevin
Have saved your email address to my address book so hopefully will start to receive your emails.
Have been split up now for 5 months and have given her space, eventually! She Put her emotional barriers up when thought I might go back to my wife which I wouldn't but has been hard to convince. We were together 2 years. Therefore have kept in slight touch but nothing heavy whilst divorce pending. Matter is not helped by the fact she has an 8 yr old son who she obviously doesn't want to get hurt and we were really starting to hit it off brilliant just before the split. My divorce will be granted next week but know I can't throw it at her as her barriers are still up, rather she somehow found out but all my friends are her friends and I know they would tell her I!d made a point of telling them rather then bumping into them. Any suggestions? Still devastated by the split and want to try and make no mistakes trying to get her barriers down. Love her so much. Thanks mate.
Hey Keith,
Give her time. Her barriers will come down eventually. You have the right attitude towards this, so I think you will do just fine.
Kevin. Thanks for the positive response. It will keep me going. Must admit this little to no contact is totally not me so it's been the hardest thing to do ever in my life. I'm usually the opposite. Will do anything though to get her back so thanks for your support.
All the best.
hi kevin,
Me and my girlfriend broke up last July . I haven't contacted her since September..that makes it 6 months of NC now. The reason was very simple: i was dumb and did a lotta stupid things out of anger and i plan on apologizing . I have been planning to meet her ever since but after reading your article i'm confused over i should meet her personally (Make it look like a coincidence like bumping into her near her college or something cause then again i don't have to be afraid of rejection and it would make it look natural too) or
whether to text/send her a letter where there is a huge possibility of NOT replying which would be very disappointing!!
Text or meet her personally? i prefer meeting her cause there is a huge chance for her to not reply for texts..but then again I'm no expert at this.
I will be 19 in the coming weeks and she is 18,.so we are pretty young and were seriously in love too cause of the 'first love' effect i guess.
Another BIG issue is that IF I'm meeting her personally then I'm thinking of doing it by July cause i have to do some make over on myself..yeah that sounds stupid but i really need that to gime some confidence. So, that would make it 11 months of NO contact for a 1.4 year long relationship. IS that too LONG? :/
Your reply will be deeply appreciated
thankyou :)
Yeah, 11 months is too long. Contact her right now. Accidentally bumping into her might work, but it's not worth waiting that much long.
hey, thanks a ton.
btw she blocked me on Facebook and whatsapp very recently, to be exact, 2 weeks ago. it felt bizarre cause i hadn't even seen her in 6 months so i could not think of any reason for this sudden blocking on social medias. chances of her having a new bf is very rare considering 'most' of her friends knew about us and i don't think she is that type of girl who is ready to jump into relationships at the first chance..she is pretty mature..i'm the immature one but still one can't be sure..
Any idea why she did that? does that mean she still has some feelings for me? even if its negative that would improve my chances right..i read that in another article of yours..
Yeah, she is thinking about you. Perhaps she checked your profile, saw that you are doing well in life, got jealous and decided to block you. It's definitely a good sign.
Happy to hear a positive response from you!
Sorry to bug you again. I'm in another dilemma.
Her university exams are to start next week,mar 25 th to be exact..so..is this a good time? I'm not trying to find an excuse to postpone this,really I'm not! but i really want to get something positive from this..i don't want to create any mistakes ANYMORE...and I've been waiting for this in the past 6 months or so...if she is busy with her exams...would that be right from my part to see her now ? i mean if she is struggling with her studies..will she get even more mad if i show up?..these are the things stopping me from 'bumping into her'..
And in the latest info i got from a friend is that she got quiet mad when he asked about me ..i dunno when he asked her..and I'm not sure whether that's a good sign :/
Hey,
During exams, life is kind of boring. A text from you or meeting you might be a little more exciting for her. On the other hand, it might even make her upset that you are trying to contact her when she is extremely busy. If you want to do it during exams, I'll recommend a text instead of showing up at her place.
Hey Kevin, thanks for the reply.
I need to ask you something else now..I've to be prepared for this.
IF she isn't pleased to see me,there's no need for me to push for the apology again right? i mean..it's been 6 months..time heals everything or so they say.
i will start by apologizing ..if I'm not getting a positive response from her..idunno what to do/say ! ..that would be very disappointing :/..
but no choice.. i could message her afterwards if the 'talking face to face' goes badly but like i said she blocked me on fb,watsapp etc a few weeks ago out of the blue
Sorry if i sound needy and to bug you with all this ..but your replies and articles makes some sense and gives hope!
thank you.
Hey Christoph,
Well since meeting face to face out of the blue is your only option, you should expect the worse. I guess it's a good idea to start by apologizing if you sincerely believe that it was your mistake. But don't push for an apology. Just apologize once, then talk about being friends. Basically, use the guideline I have for the hand written letter in the article.
expected for the worst and the worse happened! i was waiting for her near the road side..she saw me..and her first reaction was to run..and she did exactly that..i said something like 'helo..' but she was running away already.. i didn't stop her..just stood there like a total loser...one of the embarrassing moments of my life! i thought of the 'bumping into her' rather than waiting but it wasn't that easy..she'd see me from a long way..anyway i don't think it'd have made much of a difference. i'd a handwritten letter in case if the worse happened..but..i couldn't even force her ..she dint even stop.
she was scared of me like i was some animal or something..bwaah..i think ure guna say move on..well..i think of the same too..but this was so disappointing..i lost all the good image(if i had any) in front of that girl..yuckk.
now my thought is whether i should tell a friend of hers..she solved some fights btw us one or two times when we were together...she is her friend not mine..so its better i expect the worst here too.
i don't wana have a loser image of mine in her!! i wana let her knw why i was there and that i am sorry!..help.
Wow, was the breakup really that bad? Or is she just over reacting. Either she is scared of you or she is immature and she still has feelings for you. Regardless, yes I am going to tell you to move on.
I'm moving on Kevin..thanks for your help..it helped after all. :)
listen, my final qn..should i try to tell her friend why i was there? i don't want her to think that I'm desperate enough(and i wasn't , i went only cause i believed everything happened cause of my fault) to go see her and all that shit..and I'm no longer thinking about her..she must be feeling pretty great now cause i did this and she ll be like 'oh he still likes me,I'm so special' :P i don't want her to think like that..this sounds a little childish from my part but i'd like to point out to her this.
thanks man.
Hi Kevin,
I have read your article. The pain or what you call the sinking feeling is still there when i think about her and the times we were together but i am engaging myself in lots of activities and meeting new people to take my mind off her and move on. The reason she told during the breakup was that "she was not interested in a relationship" as she is in her Medicine final year. But she is an angel and i want her back. My fault from my side was that i took her for granted. I stopped putting in the effort like as if i knew she was there all the time and i didnt have to bother. Im on the "No Contact" period now. How long should it be? How do i know when to make the first contact and how?
Make contact after 30 days. Use one of the texts above.
Hi i broke up with my girlfriend 3 months ago. She broke up with me mainly because communication problem and lost of feelings. We been in a serious relationship for 2 years and been stayed together for 1 and half year. After broke up she still stayed with me and keep comforting me. But she suddenly likes one of my best friends. It happened too fast and my best friend is totally different with me. We still remain contact and meet up for at least 2 months after break up. Sometimes she will accidentally touched my hand while walking. But things changed after 2 months, she started to ignore me and said im irritating while i dont even text her everyday. But sometimes she will text me first. is this count as irritating?Im just dont know what to do.
Any advice of getting her back?
Follow the advise in the article Jacky.
Hey Kevin,
My ex left me in mid of november 2013, there was no apparent reason first. We were dating for over a year. He said he wanted a break to deal with things going on with his family and stuff. The day we broke up I found out about his new job from someone else. So I was angry at him. And because of my being mad at him he said he wanted a break. Then that break led to our break up. He didn't contact me for more than a month. When he I was very angry and we fought again, I said very mean things to him then. After that I tried every way to talk to him about what was going on with us. I cried I pleaded and then all of a sudden he wanted me to get lost. Sudden change in every thing, It happened till January this year. I am on a "no contact rule" from January 31. He hasn't contact me yet. Do you think I should move on or keep waiting?
Please help.
Try getting him back once. If it doesn't work, move on.
Hi Kevin
Me and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up 4 weeks ago, the first week the we broke up I was a mess and I went to her house begging for a new chance and she was with a guy from her school. So after that, I did the NC rule for 3 weeks until yesterday the we met for coffee, she told me the she was happy and taking things slowly with the guy. I believe the in the meeting I did really good, but I need an advice because I dont know what to do.
Continue meeting her and chatting with her. Her new relationship can be a rebound. If it is, it will end eventually. Just don't push her into getting back together with you.
My gf broke up with me last week on the basis that we have some major underlying issues including communication. We had been together for 2 and a half years, and i lost my mother just before we got together so don't want to lose someone that means so much to me and has helped me through the toughest period of my life.
I begged and pleaded with her at first to take me back, but have since undergone the no contact method. We agreed to meet up this week before the no contact started over coffee. But now I'm raising questions to if that is a good idea or not? Is it too soon to see her, I don't want to blow her out but I don't want to force her to come see me?
In the short time we haven't spoke I've seen through my naivety and realised that we weren't quite as perfect as I thought, and I have outlined all my flaws and how i intend to solve them. Not just to make her happy but to help improve myself as a person and if all else fails, better myself for future relationships.
I know I don't need her in my life, but i want her in my life and will do everything i can to show her that we can work. Any advice would be much appreciated...
Hey,
If you have made some positive changes in your life then, it's a good idea to meet up. Even if you haven't, you have a better perspective towards life and towards the relationship, so I think you'll be OK.
Me and me GF split up after 4 years, she ended the relationship 2 weeks ago, since she ended it, I have been doing all the things that you should not be doing. Harrassing, txts, calls, even threat to kill myself.
Now she has said to me we can see if we can be friends, but nothing more would ever come from the friendship as she no longer loves me, feelings have changed and she never get over threats I made to kill myself, and how we have been rowing for months on end, and that she can no longer handle me being jealous, needy with her.
Will the above still work or is it time to move on?
Cheers
Lee
Yes, if you make a lot of positive changes in your life and get rid of your jealousy and neediness.
Hi Kevin
I broke up with my partner of 25 years. I had the 30 day break. I initiated the break up due to outside influences affecting our relationship. Recent contact resulted in my ex refusing to talk about the issues. So I initiated action to settle joint assets. He has been totally non compliant to finalise assets. I do still love him and do feel he is lost forever. Is there a chance to repair this and rekindle and rise above the issues.
Hey Denise,
Sorry it had to be this way. 25 years is a long time and I hope things work out for you. I think you need a little more than 30 day break and so does he. I can't really say if there is a chance or not since I don't know much about what happened. However, I think it's still worth giving a try. Try no contact for another 60 days and then contact him again.
Well, this is my case. My girlfriend broke up with me in the end of January, about more than a month ago. The mistake and fault was entirely mine. Even though we broke up, now and then i used to call her asking if we can be friends, and stuff like that. Somewhere in the end of February, she called me and said we can be friends. It felt good. Two days later, while we were talking again, I let out my love for her again. And she got pissed off. She said no use being friends either. She said she doesn't want to talk anymore. I said I won't disturb her again, and it has been two since we talked to each other.
Now, I have three questions.
- I talked to one relationship psychologist in my Facebook Friend list. He said that I shouldn't give more than a week gap before trying to talk to her. He said if I did so, my ex would start living without me and it would be tough to get back at a later point of time. But on the other hand, you stress upon the 30 day no contact rule. What should I do now?
- When we skyped the last time, around two weeks ago, she said she wants me to move on and that I would get a better girl than her. Now, what do these statements tell about her present state of mind? Does she not love me anymore? Has she really moved on? Or is she just testing me?
- She also feels our relationship didn't have much of logic. But on the other hand, she did give some mixed signals once. Like pinging me on her b'day, wearing my shirt which i had once given to her, telling that she misses me and all. She feels the relationship we had doesn't have logic, only emotions. So if she feels this way, is it possible to get her back? If yes, how?
Eagerly waiting for your reply.
Thanks :)
Hey Ravi,
1. It depends on the person and the relationship. In most cases that I've come across, 30 days is an appropriate amount of time for them to start missing you and for about the negativity of the breakup. It's an appropriate amount of time for them to lower their defenses so you can make a move.
2. Doesn't say much. Everyone asks their ex to move on. She is just trying to be nice. I can't say if she still loves you, but she definitely has feelings for you. And no, I don't think she has moved on.
3. Well, it depends on what she means by logic? Does she not see a future with you? Does she not see you getting married one day? If so, then you might have to address those issues. But don't do it directly as it will make her put her defenses up. Get in contact with her after no contact. Start building attraction. When you think the time is right, then ask her to get back together.
Thanks a lot :) And BTW, we were in a long distance relationship. We used to meet whenever she used to come down to my city (her relations stay here). Does the 30 day no contact rule work with long distance relationships too?
Yes, it does work with long distance relationships. Although, like I said in the beginning of the article, there are no guarantees.
And if she herself doesn't at all contact me in this 30 day no contact period, does that mean she wasn't at all curious of my silence? What all would it mean if she hasn't initiated contact during the 30 day no contact period?
There could be a lot of reason for her not contacting you during the 30 days. It could mean that she is stubborn. It could mean that she is expecting you to contact her. It could even mean she needed some space. However, no contact should be more about you and not her. You should concentrate more on what you have to do than what your ex is thinking.
Hey Kevin, you have been much helpful and thanks a lot for that!
I have one serious doubt. You stress so much upon No Contact in your website. I have subscribed to you and I keep getting your mails daily. You did mention about the book 'Relationship Rewind' by Ryan Rivers. I grabbed a copy and had a look at it. It says that NO CONTACT only puts off the sparks and makes it much tougher to get my ex back. But on the other hand you insist on No Contact.
This is a bit confusing. What should I do now? I have already been in No Contact for over a couple of weeks now.
Hey Ravi,
The reason I recommend no contact is because it gives you time to re-evaluate your relationship and gives your ex some time to cool off after the breakup. Relationship Rewind is against no contact but it still agrees that no contact will make your ex miss you. Other than that, relationship rewind has some extremely useful strategies to re-establish contact, and re-attract them back in your life. I'll still recommend no contact and when you are finished, contact your ex again using the strategies in Relationship Rewind.
Hello Kevin,
It's been 26 days of NO CONTACT, and I will be contacting my ex in a week. I am planning to send her a text message which says 'Hey, sorry if I have hurt you the last time we spoke. Just wanted to let you know that my second book is getting published. Take care!'
I am an author and the publishers have okayed my book. So how would the above message work with her? How would it make her feel?
And also, I stared my NO CONTACT period not immediately after the breakup. We broke in the last week of January. During February, I used to send rare texts, but by the end of February she said she didn't want to talk anymore (just like she used to say before), because I had begun to show my loving side to her again.
So I had started my NO CONTACT a month after the breakup. Does such a NO CONTACT work? Does it work the same way as the one started immediately after a breakup?
Yes it works. I'll say only about 2-3% of the people who come here start no contact immediately after a breakup. And the rest have had successful results with no contact. The text seems fine. I'll suggest you don't apologize unless you said some really nasty things. Also, if possible, try to give her a reason to reply to you. Include some curiosity in your message (you can use texts in RR).
Thanks Kevin :)
What is RR? And btw, any tips as to how I can induce curiosity with my text message?
And also, the last time we spoke, she said the reason she pinged in February was because she felt guilty; and that she didn't feel guilty anymore.
Since she said she doesn't feel guilty anymore, would the NO CONTACT thing work now?
And she hasn't contacted me till now. If it turns out like she hasn't contacted me in the NO CONTACT period, what are the chances of getting her back? Has a similar situation (ex not contacting during the NO CONTACT period) happened to anyone else and yet their ex came back to them?
RR is relationship rewind.
I remember coming across a few cases where it happened. Even if she didn't contact you during no contact, it doesn't mean she didn't miss you. Don't think about it too much. Just continue with the plan.
Hey Kevin,
When I contact her tomorrow after 30 days of NO CONTACT, and if she asks me if I have moved on, what should I say? I haven't moved on, I still love her. Only that now I am not needy and clingy. So what should I tell her? If I say I haven't moved on, she might put up her defenses again? What should I do?
Tell her you've accepted the breakup and you think it was probably for the best. Don't use the words moved on.
I sent her this message today on phone (after the 30 day NO CONTACT) : 'Hey, just wanted to tell you that my second book is getting published. Take Care!'
She didn't reply. I sent her the same message on facebook too. She 'saw' the message but didn't reply. What do you think would be going on her mind right now? Why is she doing this? What should I do now?
Like I said before, your message didn't really have anything to merit a response. It's OK that she didn't reply. Wait another week and send her one of the texts in the article.
She sent me a message on Facebook saying that I had been there for her. She was then sorry for everything that had happened and said that she doesn't have a choice other than staying away.
The actual message : 'You've been there for me; Sorry for everything. I have no choice but to be this. Take care Ravi.'
What does this message mean? What could be going on in her mind at present?
She needs more time, in my opinion. She feels guilty for breaking up. She thinks that you are hurt from the breakup. Did you try sending her the letter mentioned in the article?
No, I haven't yet sent the letter. I feel I should contact her not very often, but only now and then. If I contact her more often, she might put up back her defenses? And the letter, is this the right time to send? Wouldn't she put up back her defenses or get irritated again? (Because when she is not comfortable with me talking to her daily, how would she be okay if I send her a letter?)
And also, I am in Hyderabad (where she is doing her college) right now. She knew I am in Hyderabad. I didn't initiate any idea of meeting up. Just today she has left for Chennai (where I do my college). I will be leaving for Chennai in two days. Do you think I should initiate the talk of meeting up in Chennai? Or should I just stay cool?
Once I am back in Chennai, if I ask her if we could meet, would that make her put back her defenses? What should I do?
I think it's the right time to send the letter. Then when you reach her city, contact her to meet up for coffee.
I don't think she has started initiating friendship yet. RR recommends sending the letter only after she initiates friendship, right?
Hey Ravi,
The letter in RR is after she initiates friendship. I am talking about the letter mentioned in the article. I think it'll work for your situation. If you want, make it an email instead of hand written.
Kevin, you have been of great help. Thanks a ton for that :D
Btw, the article says that if I want a sample letter written for me, I can find it in step 5. Where can I find the sample letter in step 5?
And when should I send her the letter? With her latest FB message, you had said she needs more time. So should I send the letter right away, or give her some more time before I send the letter? And if I should give her some more time, how long should that be?
Hey Ravi,
I still think she needs time. But since you mentioned you will be visiting her city in a few days, I thought it might be a good idea since the letter is probably going to open up communication between you two and she might contact you to meet up. If you've subscribed to the 5th step, you will get the sample letter in the 10th email. It seems you have already received. Look for an email with the subject line "How to write that magic letter".
I sent her the magic letter (as a message on Facebook). I thought she would just see the message and leave (and not reply), but she called me. She sounded very positive and friendly. Seemed she was curious about the great things happening in my life. I told her what all great was happening; she said she was happy for me.
She asked me what was the 'we need some space' thing I had mentioned in the letter; and she said there is nothing like that from her side as she has completely got off from the relationship mindset. She doesn't have that relationship mindset anymore. Through the call, it felt as if she is happy that I have accepted the break up. She asked me if I don't have any feelings for her anymore; I somehow diverted that topic and spoke something else.
It felt she now thinks I have moved on, and that she is happy with it. Is that a good sign? If she thinks I have moved on (I am not sure if she really thinks I have moved on or not), and is happy with it, what are the chances of getting her back?
I sent her the letter one week ago; I too sounded really positive during the call and the call ended on a positive note. After that call, there was no correspondence between us in any form. She had left my place just the day I reached there, and hence we could not meet. What should I do now? What should my next step be? What would be going on in her mind right now?
And yes, it has been one week since her last call (after reading the magic letter). Is that too long a time before I could initiate any further talks?
You should get back in touch, using texts on this page or the ones in relationship rewind.
After a week since I sent her the magic letter, I sent her a 'Goodnight' text one fine night. She didn't reply. The next day afternoon I sent her a text asking if we could be friends. Sometime later she replied, and we had a small convo. She was extremely rigid and spoke very formally. It hurt. She said 'long distance friendships' need efforts which she is not okay putting in right now, and that she would let me know when she is okay being friends.
Today its been more than a week already since we last spoke. And I haven't contacted her yet. What should I do now? What should be my next step?
P.S : She sounded very positive and friendly after reading the magic letter that she herself called me and talked.
Hey Ravi,
She is being a little cold. I'll recommend you back off for a while and don't push the friendship. I'll recommend wait another two weeks. Instead of asking her to be friends, just act like you are already friends. Use the texts in relationship rewind to start a conversation with her.
Wait for another two weeks? (I have already waited for two weeks) Okay, so which means there would be another one month gap between us. Would that be okay? Would she get used to my absence and feel even more cold and indifferent when I talk to her after two more weeks?
Hey Ravi,
I think it'll be OK and it is necessary. She is cold, and if you keep on contacting her, you will look needy. I think she is already used to your absence. But that's not a bad thing. It doesn't necessary make her indifferent. The important point is that whenever she is in contact with you, it's a positive interaction and she has a fun time.
Hello Kevin, you have been of great help to me, and I am much grateful for that. I again need your help. I have a few questions.
On the 5th of May, I pinged her on Whatsapp. She was very cold and said that she din't want to talk anymore. She said she won't reply to me if at all I initiate another conversation. I said take care and left. I remained completely invisible to her. No activity on Facebook (She is in my friend's list) or Whatsapp.
2nd June was my birthday. She din't wish me. I still stayed invisible. Didn't even reply to the wishes of other people who had posted on my Facebook wall. On the 6th of June, she sent me a message, which is :
'I have to ask you a question. Let me know if you can answer.
And. belated bday wishes.
This question is something related to me, and nothing more. Can even call it selfish. So, if you dont want to reply, it is absolutely fine.'
I took a week to reply to her. I thanked her for the wishes and asked her to carry on with her question. I too remained normal and plain in my replies. No smileys or exclamatory marks.
The very next day after my reply, she sends a message back, saying :
'You used to tell me not to trust anyone and be cautious.
Why? Was it like I trusted people too much?'
Its been two days since she sent that message, and I haven't yet replied to her. I am planning to reply to her tonight.
Now for the questions :
1. She was so cold and ignorant just a month ago. Why then did she ping me now? She was hell bent on staying away from me, or rather, wanting me to stay away from her. She didn't want to be friends. She didn't want any kind of contact. Why did she then send me this message?
2. What could be going on in her mind right now? Is she missing me? Just a month ago she said she has completely moved on. Then would it be possible that she is missing me now?
3. Should I point out what she had said a month ago, that she herself had wanted to cut off everything, and now she herself again has contacted me? Should I ask her either to stay with me, or away from me, and not to keep coming and going like this? Should I ask her to have the discipline to refrain from contacting me, just like she had expected me to do? Should I be as cold as she had been?
Or should I reply normally without taking up the past? Should I be just friendly and normal without mentioning what she had said in the past?
4. Once I reply to her question tonight, what should be my next move? Should I just stay away from her, as I had been for the past one month? Or should I try to initiate conversation with her once every few days, and try to get back those old sparks?
5. Do you think she is now in a relationship with someone else? Or do you think she is planning to be in one with someone else? Or is she just single and is missing me?
6. Her question, 'You used to tell me not to trust anyone and be cautious.
Why? Was it like I trusted people too much?', what do you think that really means? Does it have anything to do with her present state of mind?
Looking forward to hear from you
Thanks Kevin
Hi kevin.
After 3 yrs my ex has ended the relationship. he said he is fed up of all the rowing, me being needy, jealous and insecure all of the time. he said he doesn't love me anymore but is happy to be friends nothing more. when we were together our relationship our connection, love etc was.very strong, we shared so much.
Continue no contact and work on yourself. If you want, you can tell him before starting no contact that you need some space and time and you won't be contacting him for a while. Work on your insecurity and other issues and then meet him after that. Since he has already agreed to be friends, it'll be easy to meet him.
Hey kevin, im really going to try out your plan because it seems like it will work, but i have a question about the no contact rule. I know my ex will text me within the next 30 days, but if i don't respond to it, won't that make me come off as an asshole and her not want to text me again?
Thanks
If you feel like this, you can just tell her before starting no contact that you have decided that you need some space and time and you won't be contacting her for a while and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you either.
Hey Kevin
So my ex girlfriend who broke up with me deleted me off Facebook just after a week of me not contacting her and ignoring her texts, calls and Facebook messages yet she still has pictures of us together during our trips and best moments. Im wondering what I should do I think she's trying to get my attention should I continue no contact and ignore it?
You can either continue no contact or you can tell her that you need some space and time and you will contact her after that. Your decision. But I prefer the first one.
Hey Kevin
So me and my girlfriend have bin together for about a year and she recently broke up with me because she doesn't feel the same way anymore, I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do so I just stopped talking to her and about 4 days after she made statuses on Facebook saying how "I've ruined everything" and so I caved and called her she told me she missed me and she still loved me and I was happy. But she also said she needs time about 2 months to think because she doesn't know what she wants and it's confusing the shit out of me I really love her and miss her and just want her back in my life but she's giving these huge mixed signals should I just try your 30 days thing and go cold turkey and see what happens then?
You can just tell her that you need some space and time as well.
Hi Kevin
I was with my ex for nearly six years. We are a same sex couple and we got engaged a year ago. I thought we had a great relationship...we wanted the same things, got on amazingly, never argued, had amazing holidays and fun times together. A month ago out of the blue she told me she needed some space as she didn't know if she was in love with me anymore. A few days later she came back and said she didn't and it was over and that she felt that we were best friends only and didn't want that kind of relationship. I have moved out of our flat, I don't feel that I have had a proper explanation or been involved in any decision making. The contact has been very limited and none for he past week at all. I am miserable, devastated and I want her back desperately. I think she has made a huge mistake. I don't know what to do...can she feel in love with me again and can I win her back?
Yes, there's a chance that you can win her back. Follow the advise in the article. It's worth giving a try.
Hey Kevin,
So my situation is that I dated my ex girlfriend for about 2 yrs or so. We honestly had a good relationship until the last 6 months. The main problem was that I started becoming an asshole to her and lost respect. She was very but very clingy and I was very focused in school and work. Sometimes I just needed time to myself and she wouldn't respect that because she would always call me even when I told her not too. We broke up in September and she found a new older guy who is 25 and im 21 so is she. They went from 0-60 real quick and started going out a month later. She says this guy is very nice and respects her and the guy promised he would never do anything to hurt her. Now the guy is doing everything I didn't do, which is compliment her all the time and make her feel wanted. The bad things about this guy is that he is 25 and doesn't offer her a future, but she is blind to that because all she wants to feel right now is being loved and wanted. I should've been smarter and more mature about the whole relationship from the start. I didn't notice how much of a good girl I lost until I really lost her for good. I begged back to her many times but nothing worked. Recently she saw a picture of me with another girl who is much more beautiful and she got jealous. Before when I was begging for her return right in November she would say she's happy and she has moved on. Now recently we had a phone conversation and I called her out on that I know she isn't happy so why are we doing this..being with other people when we love each other. She responded that she can't act like shes happy all the time and that she is just so stressed out and lost right now that she doesn't know what to do. I would honestly give this the world if she came back because she was doing it when we were in the relationship before. Should I keep on keeping slight contact with her? Like text her or call her once in a while just to see how she is doing? She thinks im with someone else but im really not, I just cant because its not fair to the new person I may be dating. Last text she wrote me and I haven't responded too now for a week is " Sorry I didn't reply. I had a long day..but I wish I could tell you the things I don't even know myself( If that makes any sense) But a part of me still really cares for you and loves you but like I have said idk right now...Hope you have a good night."
What should I do...I really love her and notice how good of a girl she was. But I'm really at the point that I feel like quitting and moving on because she says "IDK" all the time but she is still with that guy.
OK, start no contact for two weeks. Make a few positive changes in your life. Get back in touch with her. Try to avoid any serious conversations with her. Have fun conversations with her. Try to meet up. Have fun when you meet up. Continue chatting and meeting up for a while. Then ask her if she wants to get back together. If she still says IDK, give her an ultimatum. Either break up with the guy and get back together, or you cut her off from your life and move on. Before giving the ultimatum, make sure you are ready to actually go through it because there is a chance that she will choose the other guy.
Kevin,
See now thats the hard part, her texts are real short and she deosnt want to see me because shes afraid of catching feelings again. Thats the whole reason she doesn't want to see me becuase she is afraid of being hurt by me. How can I break this wall?
Start no contact again. Give her time to forget all the negativity. Make it around 20-30 days.
Kevin,
Now youre saying if she deosnt want to meet up then give her another 20-30 days? IDK in my opinion I think a girl that loves you and is unhappy and still thinks about you while she is with her rebound is wrong. Should I do a NC period of two weeks from her last text she sent me about not knowing what to do at that moment and then finally try to meet up and give her the ultimatum? I've been trying since November and honestly I'm beat....I cant't be happy with someone else unless shes out the picture or we reunite. So I'm to a point where I know she may be confused but why is she still with him? I feel like im her security blanket and honestly im tired of waiting for her to not be confused. Should I follow my plan? Is this a good plan?
Yes, it's a good plan. However, be prepared to follow through with your ultimatum if she chooses the other guy. If she does, it's going to hurt a lot. Be prepared for that.
Kevin,
Yeah I know its going to hurt a lot but I can deal with the fact that she has been dragging the IDK excuse for some months now. So I think I would've been over her if she wasn't keeping in contact or giving me hopes. I'm actually going to try to meet with her next week and give her the question and make her make a decision. The guy is a complete loser with no future so she will learn in the end.
Thanks!
Hi
Tried to access Part 5 but every time I submit details it states 'already subscribed.'
Any assistance you can give me?
Thanks
It seems you have already subscribed. For some reason you didn't receive the emails. I deleted you right now and you should be able to subscribe again. This time, when you get the verification email, make sure you add my email address to your address book so you don't miss any of the emails.
Kevin
My girlfriend of 3 year recently let me because I cheated on her with one of my co workers for two months she found out by the coworker her self she told her everything I had just moved in with her at the time and she kicked me out not caring where I would be sleeping for the night she told me she hated me and never ever wanted to see my face ever again all those things hurt me and now I been heart broken and on the floor trying to get back up. I have been following the first couple of steps and they have been helping here and their but I recently just found out that she is talking to her high school crush and went over his house my heart has just sunk to the ground idk what to think of that and idk what to do I haven't had any contact with her but I did have some contact with her family I wanna get her back so bad but as of right now she wishes I was in hell. What do you suggest I do???
Give her time to deal with her anger. I know it sucks that she is talking to the guy, but there is nothing you can do about it. I wish there was, but if you try to do anything, you will only push her further away. You will need to show some serious changes to make her trust you again. I hope things work out for you.
Hi, me and my girlfriend just broke up a week ago. We were together for more than a year. Initially she asked for a break up right before our 1st anniversary ( she comes back every time after saying she wants to break up. ) I then went to talk to a girl from our workplace for the intention of diverting my attention. Shortly after, me and my girlfriend got back together and things were rosy. She then checked on my Facebook messages and discovered that I texted this girl and intended to ask her out on Valentine's day which happened to be our 1st anni. We had a fight. She slapped me and I was so heartbroken as I never expect she will do that. I slapped her back and she followed it up with 2 more slaps.
She then packed all her stuffs from my place and left.
I'm actually having this grand plan to win her back this saturday when her sister told me she was hanging out with this other guy. I'm totally lost and confused now. I have sort my feelings and decided that I might have neglected her in terms of how she feel. I really love this guy. I've been on bare minimum contact with her now, just waiting for this saturday to come.
Can you advise me?
Hey Brayn,
I don't think you should meet her this Saturday. And my personal opinion is, you should not even get back together with her. She slapped you for something that was not really your fault. She broke up with you, you had all the right to ask that girl out. I think if you get back together, she might over react and hit you again over some issue and it will continue. Unless you are absolutely sure she won't do it again, you should move on.
Heres some advice; NEVER HIT A WOMAN! You can do jail time for less things than that my friend. She is in the wrong for hitting you too and i think you just may need to let her go. You had no obligation to her when y'all broke up and had every right to ask that female out and she hits you for that?? Yea, forgive her and move on my friend. Better yourself and you will attract a better woman!
Hi Kevin,
Your website is very useful and your advice is greatly appreciated. My long distance girlfriend of one year told me she needed a break about 2 months ago (over text message). She said that it had nothing to do with me and that she might've jumped into a relationship too quickly. The long distance has been stressful but we never once fought or argued about anything. I even stayed with her and her family over the holiday break (2 weeks) and nothing was out of the ordinary. We talked about having kids and getting married and living together. She blindsided me with her request of a break for some time and space. I told her that I would support her and that her happiness is important to me. I want her to be happy with herself and her life. About two weeks after her request for a break, I got weak and texted her that I missed her. Then I called a few times but she never answered. The next morning she texted me and her tone in the text message was so different. She said that she still needed time and space. Then over valentines weekend I texted her and tried to call her but she never answered. I even sent her a card and letter expressing how much I love her and miss her. She did text me and asked me not to contact her anymore and to stop reaching out to her. She said her feelings are not the same as mine and that we are not in a relationship. And that she is enjoying being single, independent and on her own. I was disappointed, upset and hurt that she can only communicate via text message and how mean she was being towards me. I'm confused that she wanted a break for time and space because a long distance relationship gives us lots of time and space. I haven't heard from her since valentines weekend and I decided that I will not contact her until April. My bday is coming up in a few days and I hope she contacts me then and if she doesn't I will be very hurt. Also in her text messages she keeps saying that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘if it’s meant to be then it will work out’ and ‘stop forcing it.’ I’m confused with these statements because if we don’t communicate (esp. in a long distance relationship) how will it ever work out? I’m willing to give her time and I’m willing to wait for her. I feel like everything that’s going on is under her terms and I just wish she could talk to me. When I do contact her? what should I say to her? Or should I not contact her unless she contacts me first? I’m trying to move on but she’s always on my mind. Thanks for your help.
Hey MT,
I think you should concentrate on moving on. Don't contact her unless she contacts you. Unless she is willing to communicate, you really can't do anything. And if you try to reach out to her, it's only going to make you look weak. If you want, you can keep no contact for a couple of month and then try contacting her after that, but TBH, I don't see much hope.
look kevin i been dating this girl for 5 months she broke up with me and want to be friends and take slow again but she never text me or snap chats me anymore like i dont exist but still wears the necklace i bought her and kept all the stuff i ever got her like flowers people tell me to leave her alone and she'll eventually chase after me im even taking her to prom and to a concert and she said she probably wont be in a relationship till she graduates what do i do???
Follow the advise in the article.
Question:How to apply no contact rule if he blocked me on fb?is not my choice anymore,its his,he blocked me,so me not contacting him or contacting him is in his power.Unlight me please:-)
No contact rule isn't just about power. It's also about soul searching, self-improvement and positive changes in your life. Do all the other stuff and don't worry about FB and everything else. No contact rule is more about you than it is about your ex.
so..no chance for him to contact me?i am not desperate anymore,just i need it more for my pride.:-)
Hey Kevin, I must say what a fab website, great work and such a nice guy to want to help others going through hell & heartache.
The problem with me is I am in a same sex relationship, and was with my partner for 3 years and 6 months. As the relationship was a secret it used to make me jealous and insurcure, so this caused a few rows in the relationship. However as a whole the relationship was good, we were lovers as well as best friends, and we had such a strong conncection, bond, everything you could want with a partner. Now my partner has ended the relationship, and as you do I did all the stuff mentioned above that you should never do, I even threatnered killing myself and also outing her, which is the lowest of the low. Now my ex says they can never take back what I said and that she would never forgive me or trust me for what I said (which is understandable)
After a few days my ex said they would like to try and be friends as they would still like me in their life.
Do you think we could get the relationship back? What would you advice to this please?
Thank you so much in advance.
Hey Kevin, thank you so much for getting back to me. The thing is she has now said she does not want to be friends as it wont work as friends, she said she no longer loves me, her feelings have now changed towards me and she will never want the relationship to work, as she has spent so much time and energy trying to make me change my issues. The way I left it was telling her I hate her and that she has hurt me so much and I will hurt her, do you think I have reuined it now from what I said above, cos I feel I have made things 10 x worse. x
Hey Lou,
Well, you did make it worse, but it's still salvageable. You need to learn to control your emotions and be calm around her. Unless you can do that, you have very little chance. Apply no contact for a month. I think it will help you regain your calmness.
Hey,
Thanks kindly again for getting back to me again, you are to kind!
I will apply NC now, do you think this will make a difference on her part to, to how she feels towards me? Also with the whole situation her not wanting to come out, her knowing that that problem makes me jealous and insurcure (which I am working on ) do you think after all this she still may come back to me? x
Yes, no contact will help her calm down as well and think things more clearly. All the negativity from the breakup will fade away and she will start to miss all the positive things about your relationship. As for the issue, it's hard to say. If after no contact, you can show her (notice I said show her, not tell her) that you aren't jealous and insecure anymore, she will probably want to get back together. But like I said in the article, don't talk about getting back together instantly. Have some fun conversations with her. Build attraction etc.
Thanks kevin. what if the no contact makes her think of all the bad more as in her weighing up the good and bad and she can only still think of the bad
She is going to start weighing the good and bad. But if your relationship had more good than bad, then she will start thinking about getting back together. If you give her space and time, she will be able to think rationally and she will not be thinking just about the bad.
On the other hand, if you try to contact her and try to make her think of the god things, it's only going to backfire because it will look needy and desperate and she will put her walls up again. A good way to remind her of the good things is using the text messages mentioned in the article. It's subtle and it doesn't make them put their defenses up. But make sure you finish no contact before using the texts.
Hey Kevin, she called me last night to tell me she will not be contacting me for a while, and we need time away from each other and maybe in a few weeks we can be friends. I told her I don't want to be friends and that I would like to try our relationship again. She said people can't change so quickly takes months even years, I then harrassed her with txts today and heard nothing, have I blown any chance now?
Hey Lou,
It's not a bad idea to be friends with her. You establish friendship and this way you get to communicate with her and attract her again. Like I mentioned before, you need to learn to not let your emotions take over you, if you want to win her back. You still have a chance, but you need to stop making these mistakes again and again.
Hey Kevin,
I am so sorry to annoy you. May I ask why 45 days no contact now and not 30 days? Also do you think I have ruined the chance if I do no contact? Should I move on?
45 days because you have kept on making the mistakes again and again till now. Like I mentioned in the article, the more you screw up, the longer no contact should be. I think you have a chance if you do no contact.
I think you should follow the plan once. If it doesn't work, then move on.
Hey Kevin,
i sent her some flowers to say I'm sorry for everything. she sent me a text saying 'i was a bad idea sending me the flowers i told u I don't want to get back with u. After all the threats of outing me, wanting to kill yourself etc. she said even tho its hard i know i have made the right choice i do mot want to be with u. do u think she meant it now?
Hey Lou,
I know it's scary and all you can think about is whether or not you will get back together. But you have to trust me and take a step back. I think at the moment, she does think that breaking up was the right choice. And if you don't follow the plan, she will continue thinking like this. You have to trust me and follow the advise in the article. Read it again.
Ok thanks so u still think a chance if i back right off? Also she said she is keeping herself busy, moving on and i should do same.
Yes, I do think you have a chance. Don't concentrate too much on what she said. Concentrate on following the plan.
After all this she text and said i told my parents all the threats u been making and they said to ignore you cos your doing it for attention, she said she will never be friends with me again as she knows she has been in a abusive relationship and all she is getting is abuse from me now and she is glad shes out of it. i threat again of killing myself and went as far as showing her picture and text of pills and a rope to kill myself with. she never replied. i cant believe i went to that extreme now i gave blown it haven't i?
Hey Lou,
If you read your comment history and my replies to your comments, it seems like that you are trying to blow your chances of getting back with her. I always tell you that you haven't blown your chances and if you apply no contact, you still have a chance. You always do something worse and come back and ask me if you have blown it for good now. Just follow the plan. If you follow each step of the plan (make no contact at least 45 days) and still she doesn't want to come back to you, then yes you have blown your chances. Until then, I'd say you still have a small chance.
Thank you again, I will defo make no contact now for 45 days starting today!
Do you think now tho it's to late as you said only try the plan once and if it does not work move on x
I say that to everyone. Not because I think it's too late, but because I think you shouldn't waste your entire life trying to pursue an ex. You should try it just once and if it doesn't work, you should move on.
So do you think she could still change her mind. its only been 4 days of no contact. what if shes feeling happy and glad i have finally got the message? And she doesnt care and is miving on
There's a chance she will change her mind. She is probably feeling a little relieved that you are not bothering her anymore. And it's a good thing. Slowly, she will start missing you. I want you to try and stop obsessing about what she is thinking and concentrate on yourself. Read the section about no contact again in the article. And don't worry, I don't think she will move on.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks again for getting back to me even tho I have sent you many messages.
I have tried to stop second gusessing what she is thinking, just feels like the more I leave it the more she can move on and forget me, I feel to much damage has been done for her to take me back, and she will be thinking about not taking me back with the space?
Or, she might be thinking that what you did was out of desperation and because you were hurt and she might be forgiving you. When you contact her after no contact, and you show her the "new you", she will be surprised and will be instantly attracted to you, even if she has moved on by that time (the chances of which happening are very less in my experience).
Thank
she has said tho as I been abusive, threatsme messaging one of her friends outing her, she said she can.never forgive me or get back.with me ever. do u think she means that? Is the letter thin still best way?
Yes, the letter thing is still the best way. I don't think she means that.
Even tho I outed her to one of her friends (although for some reason her friend did not get the message thankfully) the last thing she said to me was she was very very hurt and angry I did that.
Maybe one day we can be friends but she said not anywhere near in the future, does that mean she may need like 6 months space? Or she defo means we can never be lovers?
Give her space for 45 days. Contact her. If it still seems like she is upset, then give her another 45 days. Almost every one who breaks up with their partners tells them they can never get back together. But a lot of them still get back together. So, you do still have a chance. Stop worrying so much about it.
Even tho I outed her to one of her friends (although for some reason her friend did not get the message thankfully) the last thing she said to me was she was very very hurt and angry I did that.
Maybe one day we can be friends but she said not anywhere near in the future, does that mean she may need like 6 months space? Or she defo means we can never be lovers?
.
Thanks, you still think there is chance even tho I outed her to one of her friends (friend has not mentioned anything by the way) and the threats of her getting police on me?
Yes, I do think there's a chance.
Really, may I ask why you still think there is a chance? After I outed her (which was her worst worst fear) and she said she was going to get police on me, why do you feel there is a chance?
Everything you did, you did because you were hurt. A lot of couples say and do things to hurt each other. It's not exactly healthy behavior but it's very common. Heck, a lot of time a person will cheat on their spouse and they will still get back together and work things out. What you did was bad, no doubt, but as time passes, she will most probably start missing you and she will forgive you for what you did. Of course, there is also a chance that you will not get back together. Like I mention in the article, there is no guarantee. But you do have a chance if you follow the advice in the article. Give her time and space, then send her the apology letter. And then leave her alone again.
If you actually follow the plan, and stop being needy and desperate, your ex will be taken by surprise and will find herself getting attracted to you again. The reason you did all those things is because you were needy. And when your ex sees you as a confident and secure person, she will realize that you are no longer the person who did those things and will forgive you.
Hi Kevin,
I want to tell my story and maybe some advice or your look at things.
I'm 41 years old and she's 40 if it matters.
I was with my girlfriend for 14 years, in my opinion all was going well, we hardly fought and I thought we were really happy togheter and we'd never split up. Untill last december when she told me out of the blue she was going to leave and actually did on the first day of christmass ( december 25th). She took her clothes and left to a place 250 km from here on an island. She left everything else behind, including her son, my stephson, who is now living with me. He's already 21 though, but I don't know if that matters.
Anyway, not even 2 weeks before she left we had plans to buy a house togheter, made plans for summers vacation, she planned a new study for her work and then suddenly she turned 180 degrees and said: "you don;'t give me enough attention, you don't love me anymore, I'm going to leave, it's not you, it's me"... I was like.. "uh.. oke", totally took me offguard.
Well.. as I said on first christmas day she got in her car and left. The months after I ofcourse did all the things I shouldn't have done.. begged, pleaded, trying to convince.. and ofcourse non worked. However there were alot texts and phonecalls from her side telling me she didn't know why she left, she was unhappy, she didn't know what she was doing there and that she would come back. But she never came back.
Anyway, it went back and forth like for a while and 5 weeks ago we agreed to meet and I went to her new place. When I got out of the car she kissed me, but that's the only time she even looked at me or touched me. It was strange, like we were strangers. I wanted to leave right there and then, and I guess I should have, but I was staying for the weekend, so I thought/hoped the next day would be better and we just had to adjust to the situation. Well, saturdays we went to walk on the beach, but she walked a mile away from me and in the evening we went to see a movie, but also there she leaned to the other side from where I was sitting. When we were in bed at night ( nothing happened ) she said all of a sudden that she really loves me alot, that I'm a handsome nice guy, that she liked me alot, that I had to hold her and lay against her.. but she was not in love in me. When she fell asleep I got my stuff and left. The next morning she called and texted me why I left and why I didn't wake her, she wasn't happy I left. Anyway, the next week she kept texting me and stuff, but about 3 weeks ago it stopped. I sent 1 or 2 mails to her and some texts, only to ask how she was doing, but she never responded anymore.
Now last saturday I was in my livingroom when her son came downstairs looking sad. I asked him what was up and he told he called his mom to ask how she was and he told me she said she was superhappy, she met a guy 3 weeks ago and is now living togheter with him. He asked her questions about why so fast and all, but she didn't respond to any of those. I find it very strange when not even 6 weeks ago she said she wanted to come back and was unhappy, now 3 weeks later she meets some random guy and 1,5 week later they live togheter and she's superhappy. That doesn't make sence to me. I had to wait 8 years before she even asked me if we should live togheter and even after that it took 1 year before she actually moved in with me...
As I said she never contacted me again or anything and also never responded to any of my mails anymore, I guess I know why now, but anyway, yesterday I sent her a final email to wish them well, and that I hope she will find what she is looking for and that it's oke the way it is now. And that this was the very last thing she'd ever hear from me and I'd move away from her to let her be happy.
Not even 15 minutes later I got a reply from her, while she never responded to my former mails, to tell she wanted to contact me, but was busy organizing her new job and all and that she'll contact me soon again. Don't know why she responded, but maybe because I said I was moving out of her life and we'd never see eachother again? Don't know.. don't know what to think of this.
I mean.. we were togheter for 14 years, we were like best friends for a year before that, it took me 9 years to get her to live togheter and now she meets a random guy 3 weeks ago and already living togheter in a superhappy life with him 1,5 week after she meets him..
What should I do? Leave her? I love her so much and I really want her back.
Thnx for reading!
Hey Steve,
I am sorry you are in this situation. As for her new guy, it's probably a rebound and she might come back after her rebound relationship is over. I think you should apply no contact and make some positive changes in your life. Perhaps, you should even go out on a date or two. It might help her realize that you will not wait forever and she might want to come back.
Thanks for your reply! Yeah, I blocked her from Facebook, cause I'm catching myself looking at her wall alot, it's all private, so I don't see anything anyways except her profile picture. Also blocked all her friends and family, cause I'd watch those too. Took her off Whatsapp and deleted her phonenumber. Removed all pictures and most of her belonings from my house. I'm working on myself, took a new study I always wanted to do and I read alot of books about relationships and how to maintain those and such. If it's not for her, it's for when I meet someone else. You're right, I can't wait forever and I won't wait forever. The fact that she's already living with someone else so soon tells alot I guess. She was married to the father of her son, they divorced, so she wanted to take things slow with me, as I told, slow as in a year of just being friends, then 9 years to live togheter and this guy only had to wait 9 days.. Don't know if I have to laugh or cry about it, also don't know if I feel more sorry for him or should I feel sorry for her, but that's not my business anymore I guess. All my family and friends, including her own son advice me to just move on and she's not worth my time, but that's hard. Maybe I should take their advice, but on the other hand I wished she'd come back to me. Anyway, thanks again for your time and reply!
Hey Kevin
I have a chronical disease and the meds I am on can and do cause aggression and irritation. I was very criticizing at times, and the disease itself has been a lot to handle, but my husband stayed by my side (he did talk about leaving like, every day for the past 2 years. I did everything to ensure he didn´t. Begged, pleaded, reminded him of our son - well, us having a small son, and me not being able to take care of him was one of the reasons to stay as well, and he did, but during every fight he would tell me he stayed just because I was sick, he couldnt wait to get out of our marriage. I just tried harder, affection, crying, and he did stay but talked about leaving all the time, no affection towards me etc. As I got better, he got worse-and tried to get back at me,for every word, every hurt, every push I had given him. I can´t forgive you, ever, I can´t forget, was his mantra. he stayed because he had to. . It changed during the last 2 months and he got kinder, more affectionate, hugged me when I needed. It all got better, but my psychological health was so bad at the time that I just sried and had nervous breakdowns. I was just in so much fear, hurt, tired of being sick and hated. He was just happy I wasnt taking it out on him. I love my husband deeply, and know his heart. I know he does love me, and he is a good man that did everything to keep his family together, he just wasnt strong enough, and I couldnt be strong for us both. I pushed his buttons and he hit me 2 weeks ago. He also bend my arms. I scratched him very much because I got so angry. He blamed me for it, and the day after he went to pick up his sisters kids and just didn´t come back. I texted his sister the day after, thinking something happened, and got a text from his mum that I was an abuser, my time of terror is over, nobody would hurt her baby - I called her and asked wtf she meant, and he had told her the most horrific stories, all twisted, all private details (me being unable to shower for weeks during my sickest period, him having to carry me to the toilet, me forcing him to pee outside (taken out of context) and so on.. I felt humiliated, degraded and just did not call more. 2 days after, I called her to ask if her son ever planned on contacting me because I wanted to know what next, and our son was going trough some really rough time, nightmares, screaming daddy, and so on. She told me she didnt know, and the day after he called social services on me to tell them I was crazy and unfit mother. he tried toget my mother to take me to a mental hospital. The deal is that my mental health got way better without him present. Now 2 weeks have passed and I feel ok, not suicidal (which I was the first 3days), not great, but clearly his behaviour towards me , and mine towards him was a big stress in my life- and his. What I do regrett is taht he never went to counceling with me, because I know we love each other, and I want to keep my family. I love my husband, he is the most genuine, good hearted person on earth, funny and a great dad. I love him dearly, and he is my soulmate. We had a great relation before I got sick. After the social services incident I didnt call nor contact him. I have no direct number to him, and I did not msg his mother where he apparently stays. So no contact now for almost 2 weeks. This night, I got an sms from his mums phone, it was him telling me that he would like to see his son, and telling me a place to meet tomorrow asking if that was ok. I thought it was a bit to soon, but see that he should see his dad. He has a cold right now,and I don´t think that tomorrow is the right day, I have some errands and meeting up with some friends, and leaving him alone with my son is not an option since he did try to take him from me, (the point behind going to social services). Tomorrow is obviously not happening, but I do want my son to see his dad, and I was honestly furious that he did not ask about him for 2 weeks, just to see how his son is doing.I do love him and want his back eventually, but right now I am so mad, sad, hurt, have somany qustions, how could yous, and why did yous, that I am super scared of meeting him, I am affraid that I might cry, get mad, yell, make faces (he picks up on these things..) I dont want him to think that everything os ok. It isnot.He freaking hurt me, destroyed my son in a way (he is very aggresive, clingy, a bit distant now, compared to the worlds happiest child before..) He is still happy and we have fun , but he has a mummy that cries all the time. I am very mad, hurt, very dissapointed in how he handled it,his lies, attempts to make me a crazy person.. I have not forgiven, and he shpuld not think that (I always forgave everythung during our marriage, that got us here..) but still want a shot at a new beginning. How do I behave when we meet, or should I not meet at all despite our son? I am going insane, still happy he did get in touch though.. What do you think?
Hey Ella,
Thanks for sharing your story. I think you should not meet him unless you are absolutely sure that you can handle it in a calm and rational manner. Without any blaming and without any arguing. In fact, whenever you meet him, do not talk to him at all unless it's about your son. I know you want a shot at a new beginning but I want you to take at least a couple of months break. Your mental health is getting better and I think it will get even better if you stay no contact with your husband. If he tries to contact you, you can let him know that you need a break and you can arrange something for him to see his son once a week.
Thank you dearly for your response Kevin. What I wrote was long, and you are a kind sul to read it and answer! I also think that you are right, and that it might be impossible to be rational in only a months time. I told him friday suited better for meeting our son, but have gotten no response. When we do meet (and we will have to if he wants to see his kid) - I will have to be in the vicinity since he has threatened to take my son away, plus, my son is very very clingy to me and will probably freak out if I left him alone with his dad. Do you have any suggestions as to how to act when we do meet. I planed on not talking at all, just stand beside and let them play, but I do however feel that it might worsen my chances to get back together as he will see this grumpy person he is so happy not to have in his life - or should I just pretend to be happy and chat on about our son. I am still mad at him and that would be pretending, but I dont know what else to do. I know I should not be that close, and ideally I should just leave them alone, but I can´t risk that he takes our son - this guy tried to get me into a nuthouse 2 weeks ago- so I ll have to be around, just dont know how to act! I would really appreciate your response! Thank you so much!
Just treat him like someone you are in good terms with but you are not close with. Don't try to chat with him too much. If he talks to you, respond with a short answer. A good idea will be to have something with you, like a book so you have something to do while they play and you can keep an eye on them as well. Also, talk to a lawyer if you haven't already.
Thank you! A book is a great idea! Lawyer would be great, but is unfortunately not an option since I don´t work, and my mum is supporting us, but I did talk to social services, to report that I am worried about him taking my son away. As long as we are married, he actually has the right to take the kid whenever and go wherever, so that is why I am afraid to leave my child with him.. He has not answered regarding meeting up w his son on Friday, has not replied to my sms and I am freaking out a bit since I am scared that his mum did not show him (I have no direct number to him, he is communicating with me via his mother) . I am sure that he misses his son and will respond some day, and I feel more calm about that. All your suggestions are so helpful, and I feel much more confident about meeting him now :-) I actually have a bunch of ideas for my own business, a bit of drive, and an excited feeling in my stomach, and I think it is thanks to your support, and concrete, hands on advise.. Thank you! You really are the best!
Hey Ella,
You have to consider the possibility that he might be talking to a lawyer and might take some legal action to take your son away from you. Like you said, he can legally take your son with him anywhere he wants. So, you better be prepared for anything. I think most lawyers almost everywhere offer low cost or free consultation, so I think you should contact a lawyer asap.
Hi. My boyfriend and I were dating for almost six years. We started dating in high school and now we are in college. We moved in together this year and everything was going pretty well until he got a job and was gone a lot. He broke up with me 2 months ago and had even started a fling with a girl he works with. That ended a few weeks ago. Last week we had hung out in person for the first time since the split and he admitted that the reason he ended things with the other girl was because his feelings for her were nothing compared to what he still felt for me. But, he says he is enjoying being single and doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to lead me on. After hanging out, I told myself I would start no contact. It's been a week, but I guess I am just concerned that he is enjoying me not contacting him. I know it's a common concern, but I am worried that he won't miss me and space apart will make him realize that he is having more fun being single and not having to worry about having another person to care and be there for. What do I do?
Continue no contact. Even if he is enjoying himself, let him do so. If people enjoyed being single so much, no one would ever start a relationship. Eventually he will miss you.
Hi Kevin, it's been 2 months since my ex of 5 years and I broke up. Needless to say, I still think of him every day. Although we may have established the false friendship, we weren't talking. I simply do not know how to ask him out without making him feel I have yet to get over him. That's why the only way to see him is to go through mutual friends. And I am so ready to let him see how much happier I've become ever since the breakup (since I know being happy would take pressure off him to feel at ease with my presence). However, we are only due to meet next week and this coming Saturday is his nephew's birthday and I really wanted to give the kid one of my paintings as a present. After all, I won't know if I have a chance to do so in future and I wrote a rather long message for the 3yo telling him the significance of my painting. I know he may not understand at his age but I wanted to make the thought count especially when I may not be there to watch him grow up. Not sure if his family or my ex would think my message have a hidden meaning of still having feelings for him. That's why the contemplation. And another thing is I'm not sure if I should go through my ex or should I meet his family without his knowledge? Worried he might think I'm using his family to give him pressure. What should I do?
If you were close with his family before the breakup, I don't see a reason for not contacting his family. But still, I think going through your ex might be a good idea. As for the hidden meaning thing, maybe they'll think like that. But you should not overthink it. If anyone asks, you can tell them what was your intention with the message.
Hi Kevin, thanks for the advice. I had been thinking about it the whole day yesterday and I think it would be a better idea to go through my ex too as it gives me the opportunity to talk to him yet I can display a bit of indifference to show that it's really just a present with no hidden meaning. But just thinking about talking to him again after so long makes me nervous yet excited. My heart feels like jumping out. I think I'm ready to meet him, yet not sure if I could really 'act' as though we're friends.
I am confident you will do great.
Hi Kevin. I have to admit that I have made most of the mistakes in your article but in my defense I was with him for almost 6 yrs (me 16-21 him 18-23). We lived together for the last 8 months. We took a break 2 mos before moving in together b/c I had communication issues that I needed to deal with. This break was not a break at all. We talked everyday we still hung out and we still had sex. I had a tendency of giving him the cold shoulder when I was mad or annoyed and if he asked what was wrong I wouldn't say. A wk ago he broke up with me for the same reason.. Communication. He said he was tired of having to read my my mind or guess what was wrong with me and that he hoped that the space would be something I needed in order to realize that comm between the 2 of us is important. He said he encouraged me to date others to gain the experience of having a BF and, again, to realize that comm is important between a relationship. He says he not ruling out having a future with me but that he wasn't going to wait for me and that I shouldn't either. From day 1 until the end we always planned ou future together and it's hard to decide if it was real planning or just fake. I don't know if he's using me as an excuse to move on and seek other women or if he really is hoping I can communicate better and move fwd with our relationship.
I think it's a bit of both. I assume it was the first serious relationship for both of you. So he is obviously thinking of going out testing the waters. Communication issues might have given him a little push in that direction. Regardless, you should work on your communication issues. A good place to start is the book "non-violent communication".
Thank you for the advice Kevin. I will definitely go looking for that book. I'm at that point where I'll do anything to get him back and I wish I would have looked for strategies before we broke up and also noticed that we were headed in the wrong direction so that I could have changed for the better and had a chance to make our relationship stronger.
Kevin:
Anon again...
How long is a awhile? What kind of casual text? What do I say?
Hi my ex broke up with me yesterday after three years of being together.. we had a fight on tuesday last and he said how the things i said to him were hurtful and how we cannot continue ne more...he did however say he still has feelings for me...i did ask him if he was with some one else which he denied it but i dont believe him..if he is with someone new and was with someone during our relationship as in cheating.. is there still a chance for us to get back together???
Yes, there is a chance. But I'll recommend you start no contact and think real hard if you want to be with someone who cheated on you.
Hey my boyfriend broke up with me last nite.. we had a huge fight last week Tuesday and i said some mean things.. so last nite when he broke up with me he said the things that i said to him were hurtful and that we should no longer continue... he also said he still has feelings for me..As such i asked if he had some one else and he replied no but i believe he does have a new love interest. If he is with someone and has been since our relationship as in he was cheating... do you think its still possible for us to get back together?please note that we were together for three years..
Your help and advice would be greatly appreciated
It's possible. But if he was cheating you should do no contact and ask yourself if you really want to get back together with someone who cheated on you.
Well i am not sure if he was cheating...but any way he texted me today to wish me Good Luck in an interview...should i respond?
My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and I want him back. I am currently applying no contact right now. I did it for a week and then I slipped up and texted him. We had a civil conversation and I acted like I had moved on and we laughed and joked just like when we were dating and he thought I really was okay. He asked me out for dinner for that weekend and I accepted but then next day he reneged and said that he thinks it's too soon and doesn't want to mess with my head. I was disappointed but didn't show it and he hasn't texted me since and I haven't texted him. I'm trying to apply no contact but I am so angry with him for so many things and all I want to do is text him and scream at him that I am mad. But as angry as I am, I miss him so much and want him back. How do I do your steps when I just wanna rip his head off ? It's very hard.
Your anger will eventually subside. The second step is precisely meant for this.
Kevin,
My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. I've been devastated ever since. I can't eat, sleep or go to work. I have been going to the gym, which doesn't help too much.
We were together almost a year. The first few months were going great. So great, that we decided it would be great if she moved in. She lived in MD and I lived in PA. She moved in and things were going well. We would have little baby fights here and there, but nothing serious. We got very comfortable with each other very quickly.
She got a new job and I was unhappy with mine. So I applied to the same place she started working at and got the job (which I regret terribly). We were not together all day everyday bc we are outside sales reps. After this, it seemed like everything went sour. We were both very frustrated with our jobs and had new living arrangements on top of that. We weren't connecting as we once did. I would verbally abuse her from time to time bc she would frustrate me. Absolutely no excuse for it, I know. These times of verbally abusing her she said is why she was leaving.
She was making all these plans for about a month without me even knowing. Until the day I came home, we started to fight and she told me she was leaving me. I let her stay in the apartment bc she had no where else to go. I would stop by after work and all she would do is cry and tell me she wasn't happy and she needs sometime to reset to being happy again.
I still love her very much and see us together. I text her here and there and she does the same. Obviously, I do more of the contacting. When we talk about the past, she never once said this is over forever. She just says, "I can't predict the future". However, she talks about possibly getting back together by saying "if we do get back together, I am not moving up there." This weekend, I decided I was going to give her the space she asked for. I sent her a long text with all sorts of changes I am going to make and at the end I said I was going to give her space. She sent a pretty long one back as well and said thanks for understanding. We said we would get back in touch next weekend.
What is your opinion on this matter? Just follow the steps?
Thanks.
Yeah, follow the steps. I think you have a pretty good chance. Don't make no contact too long. Do get in touch with her next weekend.
So I broke no contact a little sooner because I couldn't handle it. She continued to text me through the week and I said if you need your space, take your space. I text her over the weekend and got no response. What does this mean? I have no idea what to do with myself. I have tried to say busy, but even when I'm busy, I'm still thinking about her and wondering what she is doing. Has she moved on already or is she just taking her space?
Hey Tony,
OK, if she didn't reply, you just start no contact again. This time, continue no contact till the time you are not obsessing over her. Do no contact till the time you realize you don't need her to be happy. Once you feel you are happy in your life without her and she is no longer on your mind all the time, then you should try contacting her.
My ex and I broke up in june 2013 he said he wanted to be friends it was mutal.... I still miss him and want him back... we've talked several times he said hes happy with his current girlfriend but sexually fustarded he said thinks about us all the time... then a week ago he put up a group pic on his cover pic and I was in it on Facebook then his girlfriend got sad... he removed it.
I sent him a Shakespeare quote he He replied , only that his nurshiment.. Is a big empty hole , black hearts,of empty men .. Some satire . Can and,do burn forever.. For the rest a bottle I replied very nice he said We,trap flies as they are but a,nuisance I know banjo which was he's name for me I'm confused n hurt I still love n
Hey,
If you haven't applied no contact since June 2013, you should do it right now. IF you have, then you should continue texting him and then eventually ask him to hang out as friends.
hi, was jus on this, was with my ex for 3 years..
we were on terms of marrying, really close, but things turned sour,
he went on drugs, he went clingy, accusing me of things ive never done,
he would not trust me at all, for no reason, then we broke up after a big fight were things went over the top. I loved this guy a lot, did a lot for him, in return I got nothing but pain.
2 months later he got in contact, like on a friends level, changed, off drugs,
I text him to meet me, but I got no reply, maybe I am just missing the idea of him,
what do I do now?
Wait two weeks and then text him using one of the messages above.
Hi Kevin.
My girlfriend of 9 months recently dumped me a couple of days ago. She said that she didn't love me anymore and didn't care about me in that way at all. But she still has all the pictures of us on her Instagram and Facebook, as well as all the comments. I am madly in love with this girl.. I'm tying the no contact rule to start, is their any way to win her back????
Yes, there is still a chance. Follow the advise in the article.
Here it goes. I met a guy on POF. We had three dates. The third date was where I blew it. We went to restaurant and I wanted to dance. There was another party dancing on the floor and he did not want to interrupt them. The couple next to us even told him to dance with me:( But, we finally got up. He is Lebanese. We started dancing and he became critical of my dancing. I started shutting down. I got a little tipsy and started dancing on the dance floor. I was just trying to have fun, but now I feel terrible. I did push him away when he started dancing with me. I did not literally push him, I just waved him away. I was having fun by myself:( Having a little more fun on my own than with him to be honest. Anyway, we were ready to go home to his place and hang out. There was extra food so we took it home. He expected me to carry the food and I was thrown off. He pointed at the bag to make me carry it. I don't think I did. So I went home with him. We had a sleep over. He wanted me to take a shower and watch movies with him. He was very nice, even though I was a jerk. I was scared and nervous about the whole situation. After thinking about it, it was too soon to spend the night. Anyway, I did sleep there, but left around 4am. The next day, I texted him that I had a great time. That's when I started panicking and overtexting and calling. I have a bad habit of doing this with many dating situation. It got out of hand this time because he was ignoring me. He threatened to call the cops this time. I texted him today, 3-8-2014 and he told me he may call the cops tomorrow. I am scared. I told him I met someone else and I am done. He wont hear from me anymore. I still like him very much because he was serious about. I WANT HIM BACK AND I HAVE APOLOGIZED NUMEROUS TIMES. He told me to move on and I was being stubborn and did not. I called so much and texted so much. That's when he threatened me with a restraining order. I even called one of the restaurants to find out where he worked and he found out. I WANT HIM BACK! IS THERE HOPE?? (HE DID LIKE ME A LOT) WE HAD CHEMISTRY! WHAT DO I DO?
Hey Anon,
To be honest, since it's been only three dates, he has probably categorized you as a crazy girl. It's hard to change his perspective because he doesn't know you well enough to think differently. You can still give it a try but I think there is very less chances of him changing his mind about you. I think you should try no contact for a while, and then text him casually. If you haven't already apologized, send an apology text (don't send the letter because in your case, he'll think of it as creepy) and start no contact.
Kevin:
How long is a awhile? What kind of casual text? What do I say?
I think around 2-3 weeks. As for what to say, it's kind of tricky since you two were not that close in the first place. If you can use the "something reminded me of you" text, mentioned in the article, it'll be great. If not, then use something general like "hey, I was thinking of you, how are you?"
But like I said, an apology text is important before you send him a casual text.
Thank you.
Hi,
I read this article and it sounds very promising and helpful. It opened my eyes to the opportunities ahead of me. Not only that, but instead of looking it as my boyfriend wanting a breakup/break, I see this opportunity as a break for myself, to find myself in all of this and re-evaluate the relationship myself. While I still want to get back together with him, I just recently got broken up with and am looking for advice on the no contact rule. Last weekend we had a fight that lasted the whole weekend and at the end I realized I was being too harsh and apologized for everything. He decided that this weekend "changed him" and he needed to "not be in this relationship anymore because he hated it" he didnt like all the fighting. This article made me realize that he can look at me in a positive light again. and there is hope that we can get back together! We were together for 3 1/2 years and I still feel in my gut that we have more to give each other.
So, I guess what I am asking is, should I follow your article exactly, step-by-step? I always have bought some "calming" books and "how to move on books" in the meantime. Additionally, I was wondering if I should use the Relationship Rewind? or should I instantly do the No contact rule? Since he "hates" our relationship?
Any advice is so appreciated!
Since he hates the relationship, I think no contact will be of benefit. Relationship rewind is a solid plan and it will give you some great strategies to use along with the plan.
I really want my ex back. Its been way to long and Im afraid we may never get another chance. I know this is my soul mate and we belong together but now he has a gf. He has been with for 3 years now. A couple of months ago he broke up with her because we just went away to college together and he told her he wanted the freshman experience with out hurting her. So they broke up. But in the summer time he had already cheated on her with me and its clear he still loves me. When we got to college we hooked up again. I have a bf but I don't want him like I want my ex back. I just don't know what to do. He tells me he doesn't care about how I feel and that I want him back he doesn't want me back and we will never get back together. He tells me that he knows he wants the other girl. But if that's true why did he always try to hook up with me. WHy does he tell me there business. My ex was my first kiss but his current gf is the girl he loss his virginity to after me. Does this mean they have a better connection then me and him. He was mad I loss my v card to another guy as well.. Its all so confusing. I cant help but think that me and him were made for each other. Ive known him since the 5th grade. and we started dating in the 9th till the middle of 10th . We only broke up because of distance and he couldn't deal wth not seeing me like he wanted to. We both agreed we would get back together when I could date . But then he met the other girl . What should I do.. ? please help . we are in college together now. We could work.
Don't sleep with him again. And follow the advise in the article.
Okay Thank you/.
I haven't had sex with him more than once. Before we had sex he would always try to kiss me and Id push him away but he would try until I gave in. For the past 3 months or so he hasn't tried anything and he doesn't tlk to me as much. WHat should I do to get him to want me as much as I want him.. He would see me and not speak ..
Follow the advise in the article. Apply no contact for a while.
Kevin, my story is somewhat different, and is in a more complex stage than many others. 3 months ago, I asked my ex for a break, and told her it was to deal with personal issues, and that I was sick of letting them affect our relationship. It was bullshit, I just wanted to try the single life, but in a few weeks realized it was not worth it. During that 3 weeks, she was devastated and continued to ask me through texts about other girls and if I dumped her to be with someone else. Eventually after the 3-4 weeks of me trying single, I asked her if we could talk. she said no, and that she didnt want to see me because she was still hurt, however would be willing to talk in the future. days passed and I broke all your rules. I begged her to come back, which only seemed to push her farther away (duh). She regressed to telling me that she didnt want a relationship with me at the moment, but wouldnt rule it out for the future. It was a tough pill to swallow, but a couple weeks passed and I was able to move into the no contact period. 2 weeks passed, and she unexpectedly showed up at my apartment and asked to talk. I agreed, and she showed me a letter she had written for our anniversary. In it, she said how I was her soulmate, the love of her life, and who she wanted to marry. She cried for being bitter towards me, and asked to make it work again. I immediately agreed. We hung out and everything seemed great for a few days, we laughed, went on dates, spent the night, kissed, hugged, had sex, etc. Then out of nowhere, less than 3 days after this newfound spark, she ends it. Said it just feels like friends, and that its not me its her. A week passes, and I realize that a guy that had been hung up on her for a while was finally getting her attention. She admitted she liked him, and it was clear to me why us getting back together did not work for her; because of him. I was devastated, broke all your rules again. She had never got much attention from guys so I have been telling myself its something new and exciting for her. It has been a couple months since all of this. She is having a lot of fun with her friends. I have yet to do no contact. She told me she still loves me, and ALWAYS reaches out to me to talk through text, to catch up per say. I love her deeply. We were together for 3 years and were extremely committed to eachother. Never any real problems in our relationship. What do I do? I'm thinking no contact, But I dont want her to think its because Im erasing her from my life, which will just push her away more. Thank you for your help, and I apoligize for the massive length to this message!
Just tell her that you need some space and time and you won't be contacting her for a while.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. We had meet two years previous and quickly become best friends but he always wanted more. When I finally agreed to date him things moved very fast. About 6 months into the relationship he was living with me. We lived together for the next two years and marriage was always discussed plus we had joint bank accounts, bought a car together. Issues arose though as we were both studying yet I was paying for EVERYTHING and he just couldn’t seem to support himself or me and didn’t treat me correctly, and eventually I became extremely unwell. He kept asking me to get help, and I finally did once things got to extremely bad, but by then I think I had hurt him too much as I wasn’t getting better not even for him, which made him feel I didn’t love him the same. Over the summer break he was working 3 hours away from me and I broke up with him just before the holiday period as he wasn’t treating me right. He claimed he had wanted to break up for a while because he couldn’t live with who I had become, but he was very very upset about breaking up, especially as he realised I was well again and the women he fell in love with. He flew back home (he is from Aussie) the next day for xmas and we kept contact. He told me how hard he was finding it and that he still loved me. On return two weeks later, he came and saw me straight away and we talked, but my sister and friends kicked him out as they thought he was emotionally abusive. We continued to see each other weekly (sleeping together and going on dates etc) for a month. He would call me his gf but that he didn’t want a “relationship” yet didn’t want to see anyone else. He went back home again for a month and we kept contact and on return the other day he bought me a present and spent the whole day with me. He acts like my boyfriend, but without the title. I feel like he is scared that my friends and family don’t approve as well that I will get unwell again. How do I get him to commit again?
Stop sleeping with him until he commits. Tell him you understand that he needs time but you can't continue sleeping with him anymore unless he commits.
We have also been in constant contact. Should I apply the non contact rule? He still has all his stuff mine so comes over unannounced. How do I handle this situation?
Let him know you need some space and time.
Dear Kevin,
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We've been together only 6 months but I'm his longest relationship and his first serious girlfriend. He feels like since I went out to eat with a guy friend that he doesn't know and I hid it from him makes him feel like he cannot trust me. It made him mad and extremely hurt that I lied to him about it so he thought that things were going on with me and the other guy when they weren't. The other guy goes to the same college as us too and everytime my ex sees him, he starts problems with him and wants to fight him. Since the break up we attempted to not talk for a little while but I felt too miserable without him and kept constantly texting him and crying begging him to get back with me. I even threatened to harm myself because I honestly felt like I couldn't go on with life without him. We had been still seeing each other and being intimate after the breakup for the first 2 weeks. Just recently I blocked him on all my social networks and stopped seeing him but it is hard not to talk to him in class when we sit right next to each other. He feels like right now he doesn't want a relationship. He wants to talk and text other girls but still be with me in time. He also wants to keep being intimate with me behind closed doors and going places outside of school in secret, but at school he just wants us to just act like friends. How should I respond to that? He's also going through a tough time right now because just yesterday he lost his grandpa. I feel like I need to be there for him but at the same time I think we do need our space. I know he can't live without me because he's said it plenty of time so I know eventually we will get back together if it's meant. We both love each other and don't want to see each other with anyone else so we both agreed not to get with anyone else until we feel like it's the right time to get back with each other. It's really confusing because I don't know what to really do. I'm so used to talking to only him everyday and now that we haven't been talking much I feel empty and I don't have friends which is hard too. What's stopping us from being together he says is the fact that he can't trust me right now. What should I do? Should I still check on him here and there to see how he's handling the death or should I just completely cut him off and even switch seats in class so that it doesn't give us a reason to talk? HELP!!!
He also said he wants us to be friends right now and when were at school when he sees me he says hi and always asks how my day is going but should I just tell him not to talk to me period for a while? It's hard to apply the no contact when I constantly see him and am in class with him. How is he going to have time to miss me when we always see each other around school and in class? Even if we aren't talking or texting, we still have to see each other when we come to school.
Just treat him like you would treat any other classmate. No special treatment. And don't be intimate with him unless he commits.
Should I apply the no contact rule? I want to be there for him because I know his grandpa past and me just not talking to him even though we both need space will make it seem like I don't care so how should I act towards him? Is it still fine to be his friend because we can't be together because of trust so how should I handle the situation. I don't want to seem too needy and appear obsessed because I find myself always wanting to talk to him when things are different now because were both single
Hey,
If you think enough time has passed since his grandpa passed away, then you should apply no contact for a few weeks.
Kevin,
Thank you for the great advice, the no contact seemed to have let her figure out the emotions she having. As we started getting closer we were spending more time together, and we both seemed ready to jump back in. Unfortunately things didn't go so smoothly. We were hanging out, everything was nice and there was a lot of physical attention. (hugging, holding, ect.) But as I caressed her face to kiss her she bit me hard (she's always liked biting for some reason, to her it's playful) and I reacted terribly. She let go of my hand and I thrashed around in pain. She must have thought I wanted to hurt her, or was mad at her because she flinched. From there she was empty, no emotion, no feeling towards me, it's like the life was drained out of her and she just sat there, a husk of her old self. Eventually she was going home, she didn't want to hug me goodbye, didn't say much. Later I texted apologizing for scaring her as I truly meant no harm. She said she didn't feel safe around me anymore, that we could only be friends and just message each other from time to time so I wouldn't hurt her anymore. I told her I needed some time and I haven't answered since. (This was Thursday) The reason she was scared was because, we broke up due to an instance of physical abuse. That is something I completely regret, and would never do again. I don't know what's next, what steps I should take. Should I move on or am I lucky enough to have a sliver of a chance with her?
Thanks for the help.
Hey Kris,
I think you have a chance if you give her some more time. However, if it still doesn't work, move on. Perhaps she might never forget about that instance. A good way to show her you are willing to make changes is to go for counseling.
Kevin
Hi. My ex and I have just broken up. We were living in her parents finished basement. Before that she lived with me in my apartment. Well exactly a week ago she started fighting with me and asked me what's my plans. I acted needy and desperate And she would say things to hurt me. So I got all my stuff And left with only what she had. She is now seeing some other guy. But after putting her into NC, she sent me a Facebook message "r u okay". Hey family wants us back together. We had issues about a month before. And I left for a day And she asked me go comeback. I did thinking we could work things out. Her mother also told me that she had admitted dgr messed up and loved me more then i loved her but she was afraid she would hurt me sgain and didnt want to hurt me ever again. But she started acting out again. My question is do I respond her Facebook message she sent last night or wait.
Thank you.
No. Don't reply to the message. Continue with no contact.
Well I got antsy and replied. I said u was hood and asked how she was doing? She replied I'm good!! I know I've put you through a lot and is it OK to talk to you or should I leave you alone? I responded by saying what are you asking? You want to be friends? She said nvm. I told her that you broke up with me, started seeing someone else, and want to be friends? That's BS and unacceptable. I have to much self respect for myself to be treated like that. I need my space and will contact you when I'm ready. Her reply was okay and i do understand!...and I wasn't mad when I said nvm!!...I said nvm because I realized it might have been to soon I just wanted to make sure you were okay!! So I went back to NC. I just wonder if she's thinking about me and missing me yet. Just trying to be strong. Do you think she'll be in contact again soon? I do love her with all my heart.
Kevin
Advice. Did I screw it up getting her back.
I don't think you screwed up. I think she might contact you again. Even if she doesn't, you should contact her after no contact.
Dear Kevin,
My ex and i broke up a week ago. He was very mad at me because i hung out with his friend without telling him, although i asked him to go out with me when he refused i called his friend cz i was mad at him. So after this break up we didnt talk with each other for a week. And then he texted me apologizing for what he said and he said those things totally because of drinking. I thought he is writing me to get back together and said him how our relAtionship was dead and how he could have cared about me as a gf and stuff to let him know that i want these things happen if we get back together , but it made things worse and he said i was hoping to get back together but after what youve said it will be a disastrous and i dont want to hurt you , i think i love you too much to be in a relationship with you. So i told him why cant you just act like a bf and he said im a simpleton thats me and im not gonna change etc. and he wanted to be friends with me. At first i couldnt accept it but after few minutes i agreed with him and told him i love him too and accepted the friends thing. We study in one school and in one class . So right after that night we had school . He hugged me and touched my hand like he used to . After a week i told him i cant be friends with him except just classmates. In which he said why? Why cant we be friends? Its not good without holding your hands. Hugging and kissing. I said no . But after that text msg at school i tried to talk with him like classmates but he ignored me . What should i do?i know i did mAny stupid thins in front of him like getting totally drunk in front of him and his friends, hanging out with his guy friend( i really have no affection to his guy friend) . I remember he used to give me flowers on valentines day and just hanging out but lately he stopped like totally , because of this conflicts started .
Hey Daria,
Apply no contact for a while. He will start pursuing you.
Ya, so after 4 weeks of NC....nothing.....I tried calling him just got worse....He won't talk to me still, even changed his number. great....now what
Hey T,
Did you try sending the letter first? And did you try messaging him first? If you didn't, I'll suggest you wait another week and send him the letter. Then, wait another two weeks and then use the texts.
I have tried messaging him first, i did last night and i got reply on google hangouts...its the only way i could contact him now, since he blocked off everything else. I 'm trying to think if i should stay being friends with him for awhile, and he start to see how fun it used to be spending and talking together or should i wait a few more months till actually wants to talk and stop being a total jerk. He's being indifferent......that letter didn't work. I feel like it just made it worse, or i never gave it much time after i sent the letter ( i said a lot of goodbyes), i couldn't take it and started calling him after a day of sending the letter, but he never mentioned anything about it. That letter useless now, right now he talk to me but it still hurts, since he tells me he dating someone else and slept with someone else, but i feel that he's just doing that to hurt me and get me to move on. And like i said, i couldn't use the texts either way, he blocked me from text, calls, facebook, any other messenging apps, skype, msn, oovoo.....google hangouts is supposedly the only way. Worse of all, i been dreaming about him all week, and it seems he still want me in a sexual way, but i tell him NO....he's being a total jerk, it making me hurt and frusturated, making me regret not taking the break in the first place, none of this would've happen. I was always his priority now he won't tell me anything.
Ahhhh....I can't take this, he's being a complete jerk, its frustrating me. I don't understand why guys do this after a break up. He used to be so loving, gentle, and so caring with me now he's a complete jerk who intentionally tries to hurt me.....
Hey T,
I think the reason he is hurting you is because you are letting him hurt you. You defeated the purpose of the letter by calling him right after that. The purpose of the letter is to make them realize you are not needy anymore. By calling him instantly, you made him think that the letter was just a sly attempt to get him to talk to you.
I think a little bit of no contact might help you again. If you can establish that you just want to be friends, then you should do that. However, I don't think it's possible at this moment, since he knows you are desperate to be with him.
He was being a total jerk before I even sent the letter.....
plus i doubt he even read it
How was he being a jerk before you sent the letter? Were you in contact with him? Did you apply no contact?
Its a long story.....remember when I said I went to go see him the last time....well I seen a completely different side of him, he betrayed and hurted me. Its a long story, maybe I'll tell you over email....right now I don't really want to reminiscence about what happen again, since its already been a month there alot of backstory I haven't mentioned.
Hey T,
It seems he is still angry and still thinks of you as a needy person who is trying to get him back. IF you want to get him back, you will have to position yourself as a confident person who doesn't want him back and only wants to be friends. I think you should apply no contact again, this time a little longer than 30 days. And during that time, I want you to try to actually move on. I want you to make yourself realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy. I want you to start making an effort to become a happy and confident person without him.
Oh, and yes I did apply the no contact after what happen....
self-confidence.....what i lacked the most.....i remember those words when he told me that ..... anyways he'll give me chance as friends....the thing is i don't want to be friends, i want to be together right now, as were both 22 and i don't want to end up getting married late in life, at the same time i'm scared that he will look at other girls, and his feelings will wander if i'm not his gf, there will nothing to hold him back. That what i'm afraid of the most......if i hadn't lost him in the first place......he was so commited to me back then , i didn't have to worry about a thing....now i'm the one getting friend - zoned????
At the time, when he was commited to me and i didn't like him back then... he told me he was dating other girls and such.....i was so confident about him, i didn't worry about it as i knew his thought process of trying to get me jealous or to pay attention to him, to use other girls to get over me......so i left him be....i made him wait 7 years so i can study how much he did love me, now i have to worry about every part of this stuff.....i want that commited man back to me.....i loved it back then, when i was the dominant one.....is this supposed karma.....:(
It's not Karma. It's just basic psychology. As long as you are the needy one, he will have the power. You need to start having the same attitude as you had before to make him committed to you as he was before. And agreeing to be his friend is not a bad idea. It's a good opportunity to make him attracted to you again and show him your confidence and the positive changes you have made during the no contact.
but while being friends, what if he starts to be with another girl, he doesn't put his time for me anymore, and right now were both too busy for eachother. He has work all afternoon till later after midnight, and I'm at school all day...it not like before anymore.
Same with the weekends, except sunday.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago after 14 yrs, we own a house together, and have seen each other a few time within the month. He came over for dinner last week and it went well, but he still seems very distant. I love him dearly and we both could have handled things differently during our relationship. He gave me the reason of it was because of an argument that made the decision on leaving and then I love you just not in love with you line and he thinks that the issues we had couldn't make his love grow. Then he said that he want to break up before things got bad and we would have this sense of "hatred" for each other and he didn't want those negative feelings to happen after being together for so long to the point we would never talk again. See we got back together 5 yrs ago after a break up we had that lasted a few months, he said when we got back together we took on too much and let stuff get in the way of what we should have been accomplishing, bought a house then got a dog then got another dog and never really healed from the breakup previously and we just went downhill from there. At dinner the other day he stated that he could have handled things differently while we were together, I agreed that we definitely need time to heal. He once said to me when we talked about selling the house that we don;t know where we will be and we can cross that bridge when the time comes. He is staying with a friend for now but told me that he can't stay there long and sort of left it at that. He will contact me about things with the house or to ask me about stuff but he doesn't really respond when I reply back through text messaging. I ordered the relationship rewind, but am not sure what stage we are in is he in the turbulent stage or indifferent stage. What is your advice?
Hey Jamie,
I am sorry you had to go through it. 14 years is a long time and I sincerely hope things work out for you. I think you are in drift. Follow the advice in Relationship Rewind. If you want, you can start with a little bit of no contact before following relationship rewind (I know RR advises against it, but in your case, giving him a little time might actually help).
Hi Kevin,
Thanks so much. Why does RR advise against it? I am very confused by that program...when to send letter, etc...so if we are in drift than sending the letter is not going to work right now? Owning a house makes it difficult for communication, however lately he isn't responding to anything ( I am only contacting him in regards to the house) and then out of the blue I will get a text -"hey download the bank app and deposit a check into our account" No response to anything else that was sent previously. It can be very frustrating, but I know these are normal stages. We have been down this road once before and your program is right if not healed you"ll only fall into the same situation and well here we are and it's sad and a shame. So if he is not contacting or responding then are we still in drift or hitting DD? I feel like he is being indifferent but then again I felt things before and was completely wrong, it's like my mind likes to play cruel tricks on me and is being my worst enemy.
- I truly love him and I know we have had our share of problems but what relationship hasn't we just could have handled those situations better, maybe then we wouldn't be where we are. He was never good at talking, he would shut down and let things build and then blow up and leave.
I think you are still in drift. I think sending the letter can still work while you are in drift.
Thank you, today he had to come to get my signature for one of our accounts. Our conversation didn't go so well, so we shall see.
Hi Kevin,
I have found this website very informative to work my way in life after a breakup. You are a blessing to the lives of many heart broken people. May God bless you.
Regards,
Aaron
Thanks Aaron. May God bless you too.
Great website Kevin. I took your advice on the thirty day no contact and have just started speaking to my ex again. I have realized I want her back. I have made improvements in my life like going to the gym and being a happier person. I went on a few dates but I didn't feel anything. What do I do know I have started talking to my ex again?
Keep talking to her. Build attraction. And then ask her out as friends.
Hi there, so the reason my ex broke up with me was because he said he didn't see us together long term and that our personalities clash. We were together for about a year.... Do I still have a chance with him? I've tried to move on but he's the only one I want to be with! This break up happened over a year ago.. PLEASE HELP!
Hey Elizabeth,
Do you agree with him? If so, then you should move on. If you are having a hard time moving on, try searching online for some guides on moving on. If you are sure your personalities are compatible and you two can have a great relationship together, then re-establish contact with him and see if it's possible.
Kevin
After following your advice I was able to get back to a "dating" period and after a week of seeing each other I was ready to make a move. However, today I made a terrible mistake of getting mad over nothing, it drove her away. She left saying she will never let me hurt her again, that it wasn't possible to get that close. Never to ask her on a date again. I agreed calmly. What's next, I feel lost and I'm trying to accept the fact that she's gone. Is there no chance at this point?
Hey,
Shit happens. Her reactions shows that she still has strong feelings for you. Give her some time to sort out her feelings and then contact her again.
Hello Kevin,
I have finished the 30 day no contact and have started talking to her again. It's going good and we are talking like we used to. Is there any advice on certain ways to talk online or through texts that will help me get her back?
Hey,
I have a few in the email series at the end of the 5 step plan. I will be adding a few more in the upcoming month.
Hi,
My ex boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a month ago. We didn't talk for two weeks and then I initiated the conversation and now we decided to be civil and he said he still wants to be friends with me. So we are trying this friend thing. I asked him to watch a movie with me and he came and before leaving he asked me to give him a hug and kissed me on my cheek. However, I feel that I always initiate the texts or phone calls or hang outs. But when I do he reciprocates. He decided not to tell anyone that we are talking and that we should keep it between us and figure out what's going on. He did tell his sister that he is trying to be civil with me and trying the friend route but is not sure if that's going to work out either. I'm very confused on what's going on. I don't know if he just wants to be friends and he has no feelings for me or if he's trying to be my friend and then is slowly going to say this is not working. What should I do? I was thinking of just not texting him for a while... Please help me!
Yeah, start no contact for a while.
Hi Kevin,
So I did ignore him over the weekend and it's weird because he texted me asking how was my weekend. Should I not respond?
If you respond, you are encouraging him to contact you, which is a good thing. By not responding, you will probably make him miss you more and start wondering what you are upto. So it's your choice. However, if you think you need some time of no contact, then just respond and tell him that you need some space and time and you'll contact him after that.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for the advice. It's very confusing because he called and we talked and he said technically we are single but he wants to build our friendship over again because we have been pretty mean and cold towards each other in the past and he wants to remember how we initially were and wants to forget about the past and not talk about it. He said he can't make any promises if we will get back together but he still wants to be friends with me. He said he is not interested in dating anyone right now and he just wants to focus on himself. Do you think this is a good thing...or bad?
I think it's a good thing. He doesn't want to lose you and he doesn't want to rule out the possibility of getting back together.
Hey need some advice. My ex still thinks there is a chance for us to be together but wants to have her own life. She still wants to talk and be friends even come and see me. She says we doesn't know if she wants to be together or not. Another girl kissed me before we were meant to move in together. Been together over 2 years, I said she could come to meet me this month. should I start no contact now? we have been broken up a month already and spent 1 day together which she said made her really happy. Confusing.
Yes, start no contact now.
me and my ex have been together for about 4 years and a half and live apart for about 3 and our relationship was not always good because of the distance but we loved eachother so much but always breaking up for little things out of angry our break ups never lasted more then 2 days until now we started to talk less every day because I was always busy and she thought I was always doing something else like with some one
(cheating) and I wasn't and told her that .so I broke it off she was just stressing me out .so she begged me to get back and we would still talk but I said no wait until Im back home with you witch was a month .I would tell her mean things like she was annoying to please stop your pushing me away then she stopped . 2 weeks passed and I wanted her back she said no I don't want the relationship no more im tired of it she said.i wrote her 3 letter telling how I felt about her and that I will make everything work.she said she believe me and I loved me and that she was confused then I wanted to work things out when she didn't and begged her for 2weeks i think pushed her away and I moved back to my hometown and she was just a horrible mean person to me .she also started hanging out with new friends party girls she promised me she wouldn't get back with me .I don't know what to do I havnt talk to her in 3 weeks she don't care to talk to me and her last words were let this go already !! what should I do I still want her and love her we have been loyal to each other I know she is the one for me I don't know if she feels the same . should I let go
hi Kevin,
to add on to my previous message I also want to say that i dont think its his rebound relation...infact i feel perhaps i was a rebound relation for me because before me he was living with another and then he left me for another.......i am shocked how wasily men hop from one relation to another least realising there must be someone who really had started loving and caring for him......i can still forgive him but before that I want that atleast God makes him realize what pain he has given to me and how much I loved him despite all his harshness to my emotions....Tell me as a guy...Do guys ever value true love? why are men blind? how can he forget me and move on when we sharedso beautiful moments and intense dreams? is there a hope for me...
Hey KK,
I think you want him to realize his mistakes more than you want move on and feel better in your life. I understand you are hurt, but you need to realize that only you can heal your pain. Not him. You have to take control of your emotions and learn to move on. I know it might sound impossible right now, but eventually you will have to forgive him for the pain he has caused you. Concentrate on moving on. I will not recommend you try to win him back because it will only prolong your pain. There are many resources online that will help you move on. Search for a book called "getting past your breakup". I think it'll help you.
hi Kevin,
following your advice on no contact..he had left me around a year back for another...n then we entered many times off and on no contact periods...last time we met on early feb where he had got his gf along too...later i had told him that he shouldnt have hurt me as i truly loved him a lot....after tht its been almost 2 months and i hv entered a no contact period.., i intend to stay out of touch for 4 months atleast......just confused with his behaviour..he has no remorse what so ever...he said in the last msg tht he does lv and respect me bt now its over as his life belongs else where.....it seems so hard to know him...i got devastated with break up and he moved on with double force,,he has started looking good and young..saw him few times, he looked very happy with other girl of his life,,calls her angel,,spends his whole day and time with her, organising events, performing events, going for parties, picnics, walks, coffee shop together and then posting those pics on fb and posting "thanks to my beautiful angel for loving me, having great fun" n stuff like that.........all one year I kept telling him i love him and waiting for him to come back,,,bt he continued with no contact... at times after a month or so he would just send a simple message in early mornin like ,"Oh" to me..or some usual thought to me ....sometimes i feel those messages are accidentally redirected to my number, and at times i know he sends it to me....last msg i got was around 2 weeks back.....now i hv decided to not reply him till another 4 mnths,,bt it hurts me as all through the process i remained stable in this relation and kept waiting for his return..... can you please tell me this guy who till date refuses to talk to me, who is happy with other and doesnt want to give any time to me,,,,will he ever even realize that he hurt me immensely, that i loved him a lot,,,will he ever regret doing what he did to me by his attitude,,,will he ever value the moments spent with me and want me back desperately..... how can he move on so easily? I am no robot and till now i keep thinking of the moments spent together,,,we bonded so good....why are guys so fake and shallow? i really wanted this relation forever and worked so hard to make it happen but he seems so unconcerned about me...will god ever make him realize that he kicked and hurt a person who loved him so completely?
kindly tell me what do think about this guy? is there a chance for him to be back as the man who wanted to spend his whole life with me?
Kevin, i was in a relationship from 2 years.
I decided to breakup with my ex when she started doing things she promised me she won't. She tried to meet me but i never met her in 4 months. She was enjoying her life tough, i wanted her to enjoy, but one day bam! she was with someone else. And i broke down. She did not contact me for a week. I decided to meet one day, she met instantly, she told me that relationship was over, she made me realize how i was wrong too, but i acted too desperate. I told her i never thought of being in a long distance relationship with you. Now i want to give this relationship one more chance.
The problem here is we would be going college next year, my problem is i have ocd, anxiety and depression and exams in a month. I am not able to study without her presence. I always told her if you ever need me for studies i will always be there (from the start of our relationship) , i asked her to talk to me for 5 minutes a day and she denied, should i talk to her so that i can study too or should i not but then i am unable to study.
Hey,
You have to learn to live without her. Because there is always a chance that you might never get her back. You can't rely on someone to be able to go through your day.
Hey kevin,
We talked yesterday for like 15 mins
Then I told her I was busy
And left she said ok bye
Now should I wait for her to initiate contact or shud I contact her ??
Quick reply will be thankful
Wait a while, about a week see if she contacts you. If not, call her back for about 10 mins or so, and than end it first and say you gotta go but you'll call back tonight. That will get her to expect a call from you (which you don't call, you take your time to call her) and she will wonder and contact you :)
~ I'm not Kevin, but I hope my advice helps. I just someone can help me :(
Wait for a week. If she doesn't contact, then you should contact her.
Hi, Kevin : )
I just wanted to thank you for your past advice, and that I'm so glad I somehow found your site when there was no one I could turn to when I needed help!! I wanted to give you an update, and that I must confess, I sent my "letter" 1 week and 1/2 early, but he wrote me back with a positive sentence and winky face. Since then, he began texting almost every day and wanting to hang out, and I always stayed positive with my texts and mentioned exciting things that were happening in my life. But I think he's feeling mixed ways about us because he seems all over the place. He said he was depressed during the month we were apart, and we ended up getting drunk together, and he said he "missed me" and I "was gorgeous" and his "best friend" and his "babe" and lots of other things, but I knew that the alcohol was the one to make his guard come down to say all those things. Several hangouts later, he suggested to have sex or make-out, but I've refused it all. He even drove me to meet one of his friends, spontaneously, one day. But the last time we talked was Sat. the 1st when I texted him saying that "if we ever kiss on the lips, again, that that kiss should be the one to transform us into a new, exciting & special, romantic relationship". I think he confused what I said and thought I was asking to be together again or something, and then he texted back that he was glad I rejected his advances and that I "can try harder, we're still friends". So, it's been 4 days since then. And he hasn't, nor have I, contacted each other at all. What's crazy is that when we hangout face-to-face, I'm completely comfortable, play it cool and am my total self, without worries of messing up or anything. But when it comes to texting him, I noticed he becomes some other person, and I don't like that person very much, so I've decided to text him less or with shorter answers to prevent conflict. What I wonder is, if he asks to hangout, again, should I refuse to this time? Because we've been hanging out every time he asks. Do you think that would help my chances of getting back together or hurt it?
Hey Kristin,
If you've already hung out many times, then it certainly wouldn't hurt refusing him once. Although, don't refuse him right after that incident. It might seem like you are doing it intentionally.
Hey Kevin,
So, since I last wrote, my ex has seemingly become out-of-control, lately. He's been getting drunk so much! Whenever there's a weekend, extra day off from school, or spring break like it is here, now, he spends it getting wasted. He's 18, and when I was 18, my friends & I drank from time-to-time. & I think every generation experiments with it in their teens, so I didn't see any harm, initially. But before it started getting really bad, we hung out one Fri., got drunk, and talked about us that night. He asked if we could have sex, and I told him no, once more, bcz I let him know that I was only going to do that if we got back together. I felt like I was just wasting my time, so I sighed and looked away from him. He said to repeat what I said, and I did, he then said we should get back together. I told him to ask me the right way, and actually, made him repeat it several times in different ways, just to make sure he was sure. We kissed on it & then had sex and he said he was probably going to marry me and other things and that he had to just get through with school, which he graduates from in 2 mos. He wasn't slurring words or anything, he was totally aware of everything going on and even called his mom & texted her in between. He left saying to have a marvelous night and we kissed goodbye, I felt wonderful!! Four days later, he sends me a text saying a couple brief things and then a "& we need to talk". He says that he & his family are moving to Texas. I said we should meet to talk in person and he said "I'll try" & then I asked him if he was gonna break-up with me or what we were going to do, and then I get "Kristin we didn't back together. I was drunk, I was trying to tell you for 4 days". I was shocked! I believe it was just some lousy, low excuse to get out of the relationship. Because we'd been texting in between those days and he even said himself that his friends "didn't know about me being his girlfriend, yet" bcz he didn't want it getting back to his mom. Because we have had elaborate conversations, before, when we were drunk and he remembered everything, but for this particular time, suddenly it was bcz he was drunk. I texted back "WHAT?!" I got extremely drunk and about 6 hrs. later texted "Ok, whatever you say" and he immediately texted back "I'm sorry". I scoffed and told him "Whatever, say what you want, you don't fool me. I wasn't born yesterday, we both know the real truth. You should learn to b honest with ppl. You say nobody understands you the way I do. Well, guess you'll have to venture this chapter, alone, & find out/realize the hard way. Grow-up, "S". You've regressed from the guy I first met after arriving from Iraq, the one I admired, inspired me, have history with. & I want him back. Peace!" I know there was another sentence or two, but I wrote all this from memory because I erased the texts. I just wanted to say that your advice really helped, Kevin. But in my case, it can't help immaturity. So, I'm starting NC today to better me for myself. Day 1. I'm sad this relationship tanked because I really love him for a great many things, but his lingering childishness and indecisiveness is poison.
Hey Kristin,
I sort of got angry reading your comment about how he acted. But I guess what happened was necessary for you to realize that it's not worth it. I am sure you will start feeling better soon enough.
Hey, It's been about thirty days of no contact. For the past week I'd see her in school while she was alone and occasionally ask how she was doing and stuff. After the breakup I was a little needy and impulsive. This might have heart my chances but time has helped. I'm "better" now. But my question is this: how risky is it for me to contact her with a letter or a text asking to meet up and chat? I'm afraid that if I attempt it and get denied that might be the only shot I get. There's a chance she might be stubborn but I'm not 100% sure. Please help. I love her.
Don't ask her straight away. Build up attraction first, then ask her after a few weeks.
Hey! my case is a bit different, short relationship:
one month pure intense like a film, and one month i was travelling abroad and calling all days(the calls were really amazing, the fire didnt stop)
When i come back from this month, i just come so depressed and needy , and the second day she told me that i had to win her again, after that not more meets.
In this case , can be the no contact rule less time??
casual meeting with a new image of me confident would be the key?
Thanks
Keep no contact short, 2 weeks. Yes, confidence is the key.
In casual contact, is better if it goes good to at the final say something to meet other day or is better to wait some days?
Wait some days.
Kevin, my boyfriend of 3 years left me out of no where, of course I asked for answers and asked if we could work on things. He said no, he wanted to be single. But I'm so confused because the next day he said we probably end up back together. (It has been 3 days since the breakup) , he texts and calls me on his own..he says he needs me as a friend...i guess i am dumb for giving into him and giving him attention and pouring my heart out...he is giving me mixed feelings..i feel like he is toying with me...I dont want to be his friend though..i want to be his girlfriend. After reading your website I want to try the no contact....im worried if i cut all contact with him that his friends will make him believe i abandoned him tho...and he will forever hate me. .and never get back with me. I would like your advise if possible.
Let him know you need some space and time and you will contact him after some time.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years well two years this month. We were so happy. It was like i found my partner. His eyes twinkled every time he looked at me. Our relationship was perfect nothing could of made it better. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Saying he has lost feelings for me. And that he wants to be single no relationship.
But these last phew months have been hell. We argued, over girls flirting and touching him. His slacking off our relationship. Him not paying full attention to our relationship. I did everything to make him happy, i even payed for our dates. We had so much fun together we never ever wanted to go home. But there is this girl he is always with. After our breakup he has become so close to him. I asked him why is she so close to you he responded 'she stood up for me, were only friends' but i always see them together.
Once i went up to him wanting to know why he fell out of love. His answered were always different and confusing. Be said ' we changed' 'arguing wasn't the issue' then he said i don't like you move on. I asked him ' don't you remember anything we did how we felt' he said 'no i don't like to remember that' then after him pushing me away i gave up talking to him. I asked him if he likes the girl he's always with a lot of times his response was no. And after he went up to my best mate and he said I'm annoying and i should stop talking about that girl. Then he's like to her he's never going to forget me because i was such an important person in his life at one point.
The day after that i saw him in town near the bus station. He looked at me and looked down at his phone. I walked by shocked because i never saw him during our relationship anywhere. He texted me 'hey was that you in town' i didn't answer because it was my first day doing the no contact rule.
Then the girl and i were walking together she asked me hows life and I'm like bad my boyfriend thing. She said oh yeah. And I'm like yeah shes like he told me a couple of days that he likes you. And I'm like i thought you two were together. Shes like no were not and even if we were ill slap sense into him. Then she said i don't think you two should get back together. I said if we do get back together we should forget our last relationship and start fresh.
Then in school i always see him looking into my eyes? What is that? And i always see that girl and him together her friends have become his friends. I saw them fighting over a phone and sitting together at dinner time. It upset me so i went somewhere private and i saw an adult who I knew and i talked to her crying. And the girl walked pass with her friend. And the next second he came with all his friends near me and he said are you okay and i didn't want to be rude so i gave him a short answer yes family problems. So i don't break the nc because so far i have been happy. And then he walked away and came back and i walked away from him.
What does this all mean? He told me 5 times to move on he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He told me he falls out of love everyday? What about the girl He's been with? Is she showing fake signs? He is really confusing but i am doing the nc rule and i don't think it will work i think he will get over me in a months time.
I don't think he will get over you. It looks like the girl is actually just her friend. Continue no contact.
My fiancé and I were together 2 years before the split. I was blind sided. That was about 35 days ago. Prior to the break we had just started our marriage classes, I was opening a new business, she was looking for a place to live (she was living at home for the time) and we were a year our from our wedding date. When she broken the news she was sad crying telling me how much she wants to be with me but God put on her heart that she needed to make sure. So I called our pastor we all met that night. He advised we take a week of no contact and have dinner. So we did, at dinner she said she missed me and loves me so much but our marriage counselor advised we take a 6 month break with no communication. So we set a dinner date. We have exchange our items and cried, we're intimate and said our good byes. She says I'm confident in my decision bc the Lord put it on my heart. She also said I need you to trust me and know I'm doing this by the book. I haven't reached out to her i am living life going to the gym and good things are happening. I just miss her and want to communicate with her. I'm passed the no contact phase and need some advise and perspective? Thoughts
Hey Travis,
If your marriage counselor advised 6 months break, then you should wait 6 months IMO. She will feel like you are pressuring her if you try to contact her before that.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of two years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, as he couldn't deal with the "pressures" of a relationship. We agreed to see each other in secret and continued to meet up in secret to spend time with each other, have sex etc. A few days ago a large group outing was had and we were both there, but didn't speak to each other much throughout the night. Someone told him and he "thought" he saw me kissing someone else, so got blind drunk and took someone back to his bed (I shared with him for two years) and had sex. She stayed over and they kissed and cuddled the next morning until she left.
Next day we met up for lunch and I explained I hadn't made out with anyone. He told me he had slept with this other girl and I am completely devastated. We have agreed to take the next six weeks with no contact and meet up again on a pre-arranged date to talk.
I'm heart broken and struggling, and an on day 3 of our 35 day no contact rule. Should I hope for a new start or walk away before I get hurt more?
If you think the relationship is worth it, then stay. However, I personally think that if he is not ready to deal with the "pressures" of a relationship, then is definitely not worth it. Unless he agrees to commit, you are only going to get more hurt.
Hi Kevin! My ex bf & I have just recently started texting each other again (last Wednesday I think) & our convos have been really positive BUT yesterday morning I woke up to two texts from his baby mother basically calling me names & to stay off his phone. The texts were sent from his phone around 4am. I don't know if he's with her or what's going on. If he is, it's most likely because she won't let him see his son unless he's with her. I'm working on slowly getting him back to me but now I don't know what to do! What do you think my next step should be? Should I act like she didn't text me? Should I continue texting him? Do I have a chance getting back with him?
Hey Marie,
Ask him if they are back together and if they are, leave him alone.
Hey Kevin. I did the no contact for several months with my ex. She started talking to me out of the blue and we ended up doing lunch and going to the mall while she shopped. We hung out for hours catching up, laughing, and teasing. Things went well and we texted for a few days after. I did tell her that I had an amazing day and I did tell her she was beautiful and amazing. Well four days after she messages me that she just wants to be friends and that she is talking to someone else. I thought long and hard and texted her a huge wall of text explaining that I love her and I dont understand lets just be friends. A friend to me is someone you see consistently. She would never see me consistently if she is seeing another man. And its not fair to me to see this girl like pnce a month or something when I have very strong feelings for her. So I told her that and now she hasnt responded to even a simple text... did I do the right thing? I knew she was interested I could see it in her eyes but she isnt ready.. do I let go or is there a chance still?
I don't think you did the right thing. She as telling you she wanted to see someone else and you tried to stop her by professing your love to her. There is still a chance, but you will have to let her have this new relationship. You will have to wait till the relationship ends and then make your move. IMO, it'll be easier for you to concentrate your efforts in moving on.
Hi Kevin,
Just like the others I am also in pain right now. My online boyfriend just stop communicating me, I have sent him many emails and text asking the reason why. Of the so many messages that I have sent him, a one stanza is all I got from him, telling me that, "he just got a new job and had spent most of his time in it, and he said nothing has changed, only he can't be on line more often."
What is very painful is that, during our last talks via skype video cam, he stood up from his seat and left me without any notice at all. I know he was just watching me from behind, waiting for me to quit, which I eventually did, because he remain unseen. I'm sure he saw me crying, and was still able to left him a message before I turn off the cam and so my computer too with a lot of tears in my eyes.
I really feel humiliated and I don't know what to feel. It was the most embarrassing and wounding moment of my life, I feel slight, it was like a slapped across my face, this man not just stepping on my toes but on legs.
Above all I found out that, he was been on line everyday and been spending more time in skype and other dating sites. I could see him always on line. I love the guy so much and I feel so much pain knowing this all.
We have no formal break up, he just stop answering my mails and text too. What will I do? to ease the pain I felt inside and get over him, when for me it would gonna be a very painful process of letting him go. We have some online fights too and he usually beg myself to stay, but now it turns out in a different way. Does this mean he don't love me no more and has found someone new? Up to now, I've been patiently sending emails with no replies. What would be the best thing I would do. I can't afford to lose him, I just love him every seconds everyday of my life. Please help me understand.
Hey Emily,
I think you should stop sending him emails and apply no contact for at least 60 days. I know you feel like you love him but I highly doubt what you are feeling is love. I think what you are feeling is rejection and obsession. You need to use these 60 days to do new things in life and make a lot of positive changes. If possible, go on a few dates as well. If after 60 days, you still feel like you love him, contact him and see how he responds.
Hey Kev, I've been working out, going out a lot, had a haircut, and I feel so much better actually, my exboyfriend and I, we broke up a month and a half ago after a year and a half relationship that went pretty well, he broke up because he was feeling so much pressure about school and everything regarding the future and this was affecting the relationship. We stayed in touch the first weeks because we wanted to be friends, but then I realized I wanted him back; so I told him I needed space (to start with NC), he said "but I really want us to be friends" and I told him "i respect your decision but I need some time and space" He said "ok, I agree". Im in the NC for the second week, but the problem here is that he goes to collage where I go so I sometimes see him around (we don't speak and I try to disappear for him as much as possible), I'm always cool, smiley and happy when I know he's watching or is around. Will NC work even in this circumstances?
Yes Andrea, It will work. It will work even better if you make some positive changes in your life during NC.
Hi Kevin,
Great advice, clear and well written.
My girlfriend and I have had an up and down relationship for some time, we have a very strong physical attraction, but our cultures are different and she just expects me to know things without her telling me. We were deeply emotionally attached and wanted to marry but both had baggage to deal with (other partners). She is also a deeply emotional woman and as she says, experiences her emotions fully, so at times she can be sharp.
In her culture she is expected to keep everything together and provide and nuture her family, her parents and grand parents (she is 45) with complete stoic determination to meet all their requests. A few months ago three of her grand parents were diagnosed as terminal, but will take time to pass, combined with very difficult and needy parents, and she decided it was too much to deal with our relationship as I was too different and would never change.
We rekindled things briefly after she took her kids away for a holiday and as she says became unfrozen. Now she is back in the thick of the problems, is back being depressed and has pushed me away again and said she has decided I am too different, will never change and will never understand her. It was a very amiable break up and we promised to be each others biggest admirers (after some sharp words from her) and in her own indirect way she has since asked me for help on a couple of her family matters and I happily helped her. The last yesterday three weeks after we split on V Day.
I know her plan is to get through the family mess and as she says start afresh on a new page.
My friends have seen the emotional rollercoaster I have been on now and previously before the break up and say she is crazy and you are better off without her, but its up to you.
My thought is to send her a picture of a place we might like to go (say Hawaii or similar) or a funny picture joke say once a month or so and see what happens, or say Happy Birthday I hope the sad times are over in July for her birthday and then a picture email on the day we met in October and then again in late January another significant anniversary when she will be on sunny holiday again.
What do you think?
Ian
Hey,
I think the plan that you have is more geared towards being romantic rather than showing her that you are capable of change and understanding her. Although, I completely agree that it's hard to understand someone's culture if they are not willing to explain it. But since you want to get her back, regardless of her not accepting this fact, you will have to somehow show her that you understand her culture and her. And maybe you won't even have to do it if her family problems are resolved and she starts feeling better in her life.
That being said, I think your plan can also increase your chances of getting back together. So, I'd say go ahead with that.
Hey Kevin,
My ex and I broke up a month ago, but I only really established no contact for a week and a half. But then, yesterday I messaged him to ask whether or not he still had feelings for his ex before me, because he said something on his Twitter about missing someone. I had a feeling he meant me, but at the same time I felt unsettled that maybe he left me because he still had feelings for his ex. I know that what I did was wrong, but I was able to confirm that he did miss me from time to time, and our conversation turned into one that lasted for hours. We talked about the past, and he told me to "not be a stranger" because I've been ignoring him. We even went as far as flirting a little, but I'm not sure whether or not he wants to get back together.
What should I do? Do I immediately go back to the NC for a month? Thank you so much.
If you had a good conversation, then I think you should continue with the momentum. Don't do no contact for another month. A week should be enough.
Great advice you have here! I am really going to take this to heart. I have a few things that maybe you can give me your input on..
I have been dating my boyfriend (now ex ..wahh) for seven years. We started dating when we were 14/15 years old and now we are 21/22. We have been there for each other through everything. We have taken 2 breaks during our relationship where I was the person that initiated both of them. But that was when we were kids and didn't know any better. He is now employed by the Canadian military and we got to live with each other last year. We moved out in December 2013 as he had to move onto base for his course in January. We have been totally fine. He gave me a promise ring at the beginning, I swear we were going to get married. Two weeks ago I got a phone call, he was telling me he felt numb and has been feeling it for a while. He told me he didn't want to look back at his life in 5 years and regret anything. Before I could get any more answers I accidentally hung up and he never answered again... I tried sending him a few texts and phone calls the day after and I got nothing. Now today (two weeks later) I got a text saying to send him my part of a bill we owed. I then told him I would and asked if we are going to speak anytime soon? He replied with "not likely soon but eventually" ... I didn't reply ..
What should I do ?! He is my bestfriend and a great person and I would love to continue our relationship but I have no answers as to why it ended.. Feeling number and not feeling the same are two very vague statements. Is he still in love with me?
Help!!
Hey Stacey,
It's very hard to say why he broke up. And I can't say if he is still in love with you or not. However, he definitely has feelings for you as you were special to him. I think the only thing you can do is wait for him to call you. If you try to call him and pursue him, it's only going to push him away.
Hi kevin. It will be 2 months next week that my ex of 3 years broke up with me. she said that the spark had gone that we was stuck in a routine n that she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. Weve been in real minimal contact to no contact since then.
First about 3 weeks in a sent her a letter excepting the break up and just saying i realise all of the things that went wrong etc n she sent me a text when she got it saying she hopes im okay and are having fun n that the letter did make her cry a little. i didnt reply to it... Afew days later she sent me a youtube link to this song with alot of sad lyrics in and i text her back asking why she sent it me and she said she sent it to the wrong person wich i thought was a lie by looking at the lyrics.. Then last wednesday she sent me a huge text saying that she had to text me because shes so excited because shes been offerd a place at a university and then went on to say ive been snooping on your instagram too (wich she removed me off after we brokeup not deleted just removed off friends) saying about me going to a certain nightclub. So i rang her up afew hours after i got it and we just talked n generally had a laugh on the phone just talking about things then i asked her if she fancied meeting up for a drink next week n she said maybe and laughed a little so i laughed n said maybe?? n she then said do you think itd be a good idea so i took your advice and gave her a little push and just said come on its just a drink i wont bite and she agreed to going for a drink not next week but the week after... is this good?? i was riding high until she said do you think its a good idea n that kinda put a downer on things. Then yesterday i put a picture on my instagram me at a snowboarding lesson (something ive never done before but always wanted too) and she liked the picture even tho shes not friends with me so she will have been on my snooping on me again??
I think you're doing good. Just be confident and have a fun time when you meet her.
No contact rule doesn't work in my case. So what can I do next ? We are separated for the last 11 months. My wife is hardened her heart towards me & our 3 children. Reconciliation seems impossible b/c of her stubborn nature.
Any advice please !!!
Hey,
Sorry you are in this situation. In your case, my advise will be to concentrate your efforts in moving on. I know it sucks, but I am sure you and your children can still have a happy and fulfilling life without your wife.
hi kevin ive done no contact for over a month i sent my ex a txt message a few days ago not had a reply yet. do u think i should just move on
If you feel like you can move on, then you should definitely move on.
Try and win her back by showing how much you love her. With effort and LOTS of patience, she may see how much you do love her, and that may bring her back. But don't show any neediness/desperation. I hope that helps :)
Hi Kevin, my ex and I broke up nearly 2 months ago. Previously I told you I've tried establishing the false friendship by reframing the breakup as though it was my idea. But I've tried texting him on light hearted matters like reminding him his nephew's birthday is coming up etc. All he replied was thanks which I replied no prob! because I wasn't sure how to continue the conversation when the reply was so.. neutral. With that said, I have been posting positive stuff on fb like what you've advised, and though he did comment on one particular one (which I felt really happy about), I realized he's beginning to remove fb tags of our couple photos on fb. Even after 2 months, he's still removing them instead of missing me. I was rather disappointed and ended up deleting them off fb as well. Do you think there's still hope in my situation? I believe I am doing enough positive changes to my life and am confident that I can be happy around him if we were to meet with mutual friends. But I'm afraid instead of second guessing whether he made a right decision to break up with me, he would find it happy to know I'm moving on so he can move on to find someone else too. What should I do?
I have evaluated the relationship time and again, and I just can't see a reason not to hold on to such a great guy and a great relationship that we once had. I know we can achieve a better relationship the second time around as long as we put down the past and just bring forward our happy moments, but what if he doesn't want to look back again because he thinks it's gonna be the same? Acting friends would cause him to walk away himself, showing that I still have feelings would push him away. Gosh! What do you advise? What should I do?
Hey,
Like I said in the article, there's always a chance that it might not work. And all these what if questions that you have are all legitimate. And the answer to all of them is "If it happens, then you move on as well". But I also believe that it's worth giving another shot and hopefully, things will work out when you will meet. Don't overthink the fact that he is removing his tags on facebook. It doesn't mean much. Perhaps he was just doing it to see your reaction. It doesn't necessarily mean he is moving on.
I think you should message him again after a few days. This time try to make it a more fun conversation. And if it goes well, ask him out a few days after that.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend of 7 years told me what she wanted to talk to me. She began the conversation telling me that she had prayed a lot about this before she had conjured up the courage to actually sit me down and tell me what she had to say. She started out by telling me that she loved me, and that she thought it would be a good idea if I moved out and found my own place. We have always lived in the house with her mother, and she said that even though she was afraid to leave her mother, that us living separately would really help the relationship. She told me that she felt our intimacy issues would get better (since we never could make love that wasn't rushed) and also the fact that life situations forced us to move in together early into the relationship, we never really had the chance to date, and really long for each other. She said she missed having the butterflies in her stomach when I would be coming around. She said she wanted to take some time apart, and clear her mind out and start this over with a new outlook. She was convinced that this would all be better for out relationship, and told me repeatedly she firmly believed it would draw us closer together in the long run. So, I moved out of her mothers house the following day.
A week passed, and I deleted my Facebook, only for the reason of reactivating it and playing it "cute" and re-adding her. Telling her I was new to this whole scene, and that I wanted to take her out on a date. (Pretending like I was a new guy) I wrote her the message 4 days before Valentines Day, and asked if I could take her out ON Valentines Day. She didn't reply. So I sent her a text 2 days after I sent the message on Facebook asking if she had read the message. Then, ... the bomb dropped. She told me that she got it, but didn't reply because she "Didn't Know". I asked her if we were still together ... she said she didn't know. She proceeded to tell me that all day everyday she has been thinking about the past seven years. About the things in the relationship that made her sad. (I am a recovering alcoholic, and I am assuming she is talking about the attitude I have had with her in the past) She said she didn't have anything in her head figured out. She said that it didn't make her feel ok knowing that "maybe" this isn't going to work out. She said that I was a great boyfriend, and that we shared a lot of memories and making a decision to keep that or not was not easy, and she knows its her fault but it didn't make it any easier, but my leaving was like a breath of fresh air and she didn't EVER think it would end up like this. (I have been her only REAL boyfriend. We were together since she was 16, and I was essentially her first EVERYTHING) She told me she wanted to figure everything out, and she wouldn't keep me waiting forever. So, I told her I would give her time to try and figure everything out. I sat dumbfounded because all that could play back in my mind was her talking about getting married a month prior, and telling me that "if she got pregnant it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world".
I had one single rose delivered the day of Valentines, with a card attached that said "I know your time is important, but I couldn't help but to think of you on Valentines day". She never said anything about it. I tried to talk to her as a friend one more time about a week later. She responded, but not to anything that had to do with us. Just things that were going on around the house, and her replies were very short. At this point, I let everything go for another week, when I asked if I could come over to the house to get my mail. That was something that HAD to be done, and she agreed.
When I showed up, I told her that I wanted to talk to her. I took complete responsibility for all the mistakes that I had made in the past, and told her that I was truly sorry. I made her the promise that everything would change if she would give me the opportunity to do so. I told her that I really wanted her to be a part of my life. I told her that I was in a A.A. program, I was looking at houses, I had joined the church, and I was adamant about changing the person I was so I wouldn't hurt her if she chose to come back. She was crying through 90% of the entire conversation. I asked her again (keep in mind that it has been 3 weeks out of the house at this time) if we were together. She still told me she didn't know. I asked her if she still loved me. She told me she has a lot of love for me, but was trying to figure out what kind of love it was. I comforted her by rubbing her back and telling her I wouldn't contact her. I was going to wait for her to get it together and contact me. I kissed her on the top of the head and I left.
It has now been a little over a week of COMPLETE no contact. I deleted my Facebook, and have not made one attempt to contact her at all whatsoever. Problem is, is I feel that I am being strung along. And, I am not understanding why she is playing the game this way. I can decide if her life caught up with her, and it scared her ... or what. Because, I have been talking about moving out for quite some time. And she is finally graduating from College and looking to extern into her new career. Or if she really feel out of love in a matter of a week. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to push her away. I am so confused, and lost, and hurt, and broken. I really need to get some answer. These "I don't know's" that she keeps throwing at me is torture. False hope, and leaves me on a emotional roller coaster. Please help.
Hey Don,
Sorry you are going through this. These "I don't knows" are in fact as much torture for her as they are for you. She doesn't want to lose you and she is not sure if she can be with you. She doesn't have the strength to let go of a seven year old relationship. The only thing you can do is give her more time. Give her a month or two. Hopefully, till that time she would have made up her mind about what she wants. You've already shown her that you are capable of change. So there's nothing else you can do right now.
Well, yesterday she told me it was over. She told me that she will always have love for me but she gave me to many chances to change and grow with her, and she never saw the change happen until it was to the extreme it had gotten to. I asked her to think of it like a new relationship and start over, and she said she would just be angry that it had to get to this point to see how bad I wanted the things she wanted all along. She said she was proud of what I was doing when I was on my own. She told me that she wasn't able to see the future, and she didn't know if our paths would cross again one day or not, but for now it's over. And that when I get my own permanent place all my stuff would be there for me to get. The only thing that puzzled me was she told her friend that she "won't go back to me". And I don't know if she meant now or forever. What do I do now? It already seems like there may be a male interest in her life. But after seven years, it's hard to imagine her completely ready to start a new relationship. I don't know where to go at this point. Should I peruse it? Or try to move on? Thanks for your help.
Hey Don,
I am sorry she came to this conclusion. I was hoping it wouldn't be so. Anyways, it's entirely your decision if you want to pursue her or not. I can't decide for you. However, if you do decide to pursue her, I'll suggest you just try it once and if it doesn't work, concentrate on moving on.
Hey Kevin,
I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half. He lived in my hometown for school for about 6 months of our relationship until he moved back home when his schooling was finished. We never used to fight at all when he lived here, but unfortunately after he moved home we started to fight. Not very often, but it would happen. I admit I was pretty needy when it came to talking to him and always complained he didn't talk to me enough. Last Tuesday he broke it off saying the distance was getting to be too hard on him and we both cried and he said he still loved me and that he would miss me. He said I was the first girl I ever loved and he wanted to be friends. I told him it would be too hard on me to be his friend and he said he understood and that he wouldn't contact me. Since then I have slipped up once or twice and texted him and he acted like a stranger when he answered me back. I almost sent him a lengthy text yesterday about how I loved him, needed him, and I was happier with him blah blah blah when I found your website. I deleted the text right away. Do you think I have a good chance at getting him back?
Hey Jaici,
Log distance relationships are a little difficult when it comes to reconciliation. But you still have a chance of getting back together. I think you should start by working on your neediness and making some positive changes in your life. You should follow the plan as is, the only difference is that instead of actually meeting, you'll have to skype.
He comes down to visit his friend that lives here sometimes so when the time is right And I have followed your steps I could ask if he wanted to go for coffee the next time he visits, is that okay ? Also if he doesn't text me during my no contact period, do you think that means he has moved on? And if he does text me do I not answer even if he can see that I read the text ?
Hey Kevin this made so much sense man I'll start using these asap your the man!
Thanks for your Senecca. I am glad the article helped.
Kevin,
I have been going through a long term separation from my wife and also some issues with my kids (Son moving off to college, etc..). About 2 years ago I met a woman (who I work with) and we fell in love. I was honest at the beginning and told her that I was working on separating and she was very understanding, I kept running into issues with my kids, a few health problems for my ex so the separation kept getting pushed back. In December this woman told me she was running out of patience. At the time I was stressed and told her that maybe we should not see each other until I could finish the separation and that it was a risk that she would not be there when I was finished. She told me that she was going to date somebody else and she would make no promises or "give me hope".
Since then I have been working on the separation, I am moving into my own apartment etc. This woman I love has gone onto internet dating and is now seeing somebody. She has told me that I wasn't there for her when we were together and that she has now moved on and that her feelings for me have changed.
I am struggling because I still want a future with this woman because she was there for me during one of the most difficult years of my wife. It is also tough because I have to see her every day at the office. She does not want to tell me about her boyfriend because she "does not want to hurt me".
The NCR is tough since we have to talk about business and we still do accasionally talk about personal matters- my separation, she offers advice from her own divorce from 5 years ago, etc..
All I know is that she was the one for me and I want to make her and her children happy for the rest of their lives. How do I proceed?
Hey Clarke,
Tough situation. I guess the only thing you can do is wait it out. If her new relationship doesn't work out, you'll have a chance. If you can't apply no contact, you can still try making some positive changes in your life. Once you feel you are confident enough, start chatting more with her and building attraction. I think you can still reignite the spark in her.
Hi Kevin,
I met this guy on a dating site and we only met once in person after we exchanged few text messages and calls but we talked through text from time to time. We clicked so well and he seemed serious about our relationship, very interested and genuinely wanted me. We clicked so well and connected. We planned to meet a few more times but it never happened and here is apparently why. The problem is that I went back online one time to check an info on his profile - to which he happened to be online too - and he assumed I was online to talk or meet other guys and said I was not honest to which I understand seeing it from his perspective though it is not true. I tried to explain and all but he wouldn't listen, he blocked me (though he was online too) and refuses to talk to me or anything at all. He just wants it over. I want to let you know that after we met I never went online. In addition, when I checked his profile I was surprised to find him online and he would check my profile back - knowingly, which to me was something that made me think first why is he online but also then he knew that that was me. Apparently he was there watching me and thought I was just going online. I mean how stupid can I be to put myself in trouble if I knew this was him and my intention wasn't serious. So anyway, after sending him all these messages and emails trying to explain and him not responding, I stopped contacting him for 3 weeks almost a month (perhaps he'd cool down) and then after 3 weeks had passed I sent a message followed by other messages but no reply still. Now I have just stopped contacting him all together it's been a week now and I wonder if he will still come back, is still interested, or still wants me.
Hey Hana,
He has trust issues and is probably lying about being online for checking you. I think he was online for himself. I think the guy is controlling and is going to be like this for the entire relationship. Instead of asking "will he come back", you should be asking "Do I want someone like this?" You've not invested too much time on him. Keep it that way.
Hi Kevin my fiance and i broke up last night but since i have nowhere to go he's letting me stay till i get on my feet. How can i make him want me back if I'm still here?
Apply limited contact. Only talk to him if it's absolutely necessary and don't talk about anything personal.
First of all sorry about my bad english...i have a girlfriend for Almost 2 years,but the attraction has gone and she left me hopeless.a lot of quarrels and stuff like this.i get drunk before and after but i had read you article AND CHANGED MY LIFE.i had followed your rules.First of all i had quit drinking after a week and i met her today after 2 weeks and a half!i dressed like a real man i used the perfume she liked when i meet her for the first time and i had acting like nothing was wrong!i created that attraction and she falled in love with me again.what should i do next????to treat her again like a stranger or say to her how much i missed her.i must say i went to hospital but she doesn.t know.it,s a good ideea to tell her that?i don.t wanna be a needy person.i hope GOD will give you a long and happy life, you helped me so much Kevin.i love her too much and if she will leave me again i.m hopeless.please Kevin give me an advice of what to do next.(i had quit drinking) but she want to be the boss and lead me!to be rude or nice i don.t know how to act,i.m afraid if i will be nice she will play me.please give me an advice,and i hope LORD will give you a wonderful life.i,m waiting your answer.regards anonymous...
Hey Dany,
Great work on turning your life around. I am glad my article helped. If she is already attracted to you, then you just need to continue doing what you've been doing. Don't talk about going to the hospital right now. Just keep the conversation positive and be confident. You have to learn to lead her. Go out with her again. Have fun again. Keep going out on dates with her and keep having fun. When you think the time is right, ask her to be your girlfriend again. All the best.
My ex was married for 20 years (unhappily the last 3 or 4). We met about a month after he separated and began dating two or three times a week for a year. As we got close to the year anniversary, I told him I loved him...not in a serious way but while we were having a conversation ("You know I love you"). He explained that he cared a lot about me and he wanted to make me happy, but he wasn't sure if his feelings were as strong as mine. The terrible part is he said he wasn't sure if he would ever get there. It wasn't long before he started pulling away and the dates became more infrequent. We both have kids in high school and careers but didn't spend a lot of time with each others kids, which was great for both of us. We truly got along great, rarely fought and had so much in common. We had great chemistry, too! He was always really attentive to me and thoughtful. It wasn't until we got near the year mark that he began to squirm. He sort of ended it but now that I look back it was kind of me who broke it off because he said he wanted to be less serious and have freedom to talk to (or date) other women without feeling guilty. I didn't want to go in reverse so I knew it wouldn't work for me to have him date other women. I am starting to date again, it's been a few weeks since we split, but there's a little voice inside that keeps telling me to try to get back with him.
Am I wasting my time? Should I just forget about him or is it possible that he may date other women and come back? If he isn't sure that he loves me after a year, will he ever love me? Your advice is appreciated.
Hey,
Yes, there's a chance that he may date other women and come back. But there's nothing you can do that will make him want to come back. It's a hope but it's the type of hope that will only stop you from moving on. I think you should try to move on. If he realizes he made a mistake, he will come back. If he doesn't then it means he will never love you.
My girlfriend and I were together for a year. We planned on getting married whithin a year, her idea. we are best friends and neither of us has ever felt no where near as strongly for anyone as we do each other. The relationship was pure bliss for the most part. The only problem is my jealousy and paranoia at times. I break up with her because of it. I was pretty ugly while She begged me to reconsider for a week. I finally blocked her.
I took 3 months to re evaluate, and realized I should have trusted her. So I started talking to her again and wanted to take my time (but failed to really bring it up) and we ended up kinda rushing into everything. I wanted to take things slow while I continue to work on myself. Not long after talking again I ended up getting angry over a misunderstanding and hurt her feelings. She immediately cleared it up and I haven't said one mean thing since. She still said she couldn't keep doin this and wanted to be friends. I was pretty whimpy for a few days. Then I stopped all contact. She blew my phone up again until I told her I needed space and would contact her when I'm ready.
I still want to win her back. Where should I go from here?
Well, this time when you contact her, make it clear that you want to take things slow. If possible, go for couples counseling, it will probably help you have a better understanding of your feelings and your relationship.
Hey kevin ,
Today we talked and I made her remember the day we first met and how we met and talked about all the stuff
She acted like she didn't seem to care about it and when I thanked her for everything she said let's change the topic
I did change the topic and talked about a puppy how to feed him and stuff and we talked about it
I asked wt she was doing and she said she wants to hit someone with a rock
I said ok and she asked wt about u
I said I'm in bed and exhausted she said ok goodnight
I said not going to sleep but if u don't wanna talk its ok
She said she doesn't care and I said ok goodnight
she said I will only after I teach that a guy a lesson
I asked wt he did and she told me about it and I just told her to ignore him and she said that's wt I'm doing and Said I'm going to sleep ill ttyl
So did the conversation went ok ??
Wt wud be going on in her mind help me
Quick reply will be thankful
Hi Kevin, great site. Thank you!
Im panicked by something I just did a few hours ago to make my ex jealous to win em back. Ex broke up with me a month ago. Its my birthday today and i fb posted picture of red roses a family member gave me but labeled it "birthday flowers" I knew it would make my ex think a guy gave them to me and i was moving on. Before I could remove the post...within minutes.. my ex deactivated their fb account.
1Q:Did i push too far and lose my chance to win em back? Or could this be to my benefit? I almost immediatly changed the heading to "flowers from family"
PART 2: Break up had to do in part with me being needy. Aside from above moment of weakness I've been healing and growing with therapy and counseling and doing better than ever . I texted Ex a few times with nothing personal since break up(Before reading this 30 day rule unfortunately). Saw them in their truck in parking lot recently and they drove off when they saw me.
Q2: Do you think my chances are good or bad with getting back together?
Q3: Its been a week since any texting but 30 days since break up. Do you recommend I wait longer to communicate since I have already texted? or head into the communicating part?
Thank you for any comments! I am very lost with all this as this is my first love and do need help with good communication.
1. Don't think too much about it. It could be both good or bad. But it doesn't really matter now since it's already done. I think he will eventually see the new heading.
2. I think you a decent chance of getting back if you work on your neediness (which you are doing). The changes you make during the no contact help a great deal when it's finished.
3. I recommend start no contact from the day you last contacted him.
Hi Kevin some great tips. I just came across your site but I think I had been inadvertently doing some of them anyway (although I may have kept No contact for too long)
We were only together 7 months. Things were difficult as I was coming to the end of my master's degree and struggling to find a job. She was just going into her final year and all the stresses that brings along with pressure from her parents. Her dad was also re-diagnosed with cancer which added to her stresses. Eventually we had a chat and I thought it fair to explain my situation and that I was having to expand my job hunt to further afield (more opportunities elsewhere). She cried that I might have to leave (first time I saw her cry). I said not to worry as I'd try to stay and even if I did go I'd try to make it work with her. Next day she calls me and asks if she can come over and talk. She comes over and says she's been thinking overnight and finishes with me saying that she can't do an LDR right now. I told her that I'm still trying to stay local if I can, but she says it doesn't matter as she can't deal with the uncertainty as it would make her lose focus. She kissed me and left in tears.
This was September 2013.
For the first week we had light (but slightly strained) conversation. Then I focused on the job hunt for a week and didn't contact. Then I got a job that meant I could stay locally and I messaged her to say I had news. She didn't reply. I messaged her again a couple of days later and still no reply so I took the hint. I kept no contact after that firstly because I wanted to respect her wishes and secondly so I could move on with my life.
At first it worked. I really got stuck into my new job and got a promotion, joined sports clubs and made some new friends and dated new girls. Then after a (actually not too bad) date with someone else in early December she popped back into my head and I realised that I really missed her but still decided not to do anything as I still wanted to respect her wishes.
I finally gave in at Christmas and messaged her just to wish her a merry Christmas. Surprisingly she messaged me back to say thanks and that she hoped all was well with me too.
I then had a very busy January and it was February before I messaged again. I just asked how she was getting on and surprisingly she replied again so I called her a few days later. We were chatting like the 4 month gap hadn't happened. She apologised for not being in touch and said she was all over the place at the moment so much so that she had even forgotten to go meet her sister at the weekend. I suggested we grab a coffee after I finished work. She said that'd be nice.
On the day though she text me to say she had forgotten that she already made plans to study with some friends that evening and she couldn't make it. I text her saying not to worry and we could re-schedule.(Thursday)
Then at work I came across a paper that I thought would be useful for her studies so I emailed it to her on Sunday.
I've not heard anything from her since then, so about a week.
My question is how do I keep this moving forward. I am trying to balance being persistent with being annoying. I'm not sure where the line is but I don't want to give up just yet. Any advice?
It's quite possible that she is really busy with her life and doesn't have time to reply to you. Try contacting her next week.
Hi Kevin,
So another major breakthrough. After I followed your plan, it failed and she told me that she was intent on never getting back together with me. You advised me to wait another two months and try contacting her again, after which you said that if she still has the same attitude, that I should move on. I then sent her an email a week later apologising for contacting her and again affirming that the breakup was for the best.
However, in her response, she said this:
"Hi. No worries, we've been through this so many times- I just don't want anymore drama. Listen, when you're in Sydney next we can catch up and talk face to face if you think that would help you move on."
In a follow up email 3 minutes later:
"Although I'm not sure it's a good idea".
If I continue NC, I may lose the opportunity to meet her because she's so intent on moving on. So do I see her? And should I just play it cool during the meeting, without talking about the relationship and try to build attraction again? I have a feeling the attraction is still there - she ended things because the relationship was stressful (distance) and she thought we were not compatible (ludicrous).
So how must one play their cards right in this situation?
Hey George,
I think it'll be better to not meet her. She is thinking of the meeting as some sort of closure for you. Which is not what you want. If it's possible, meet her after 2 months. If you've made a lot of changes during that two months, you'll have a better chance of re-igniting the attraction.
I only have one question for the no contact... I know its pretty cut and dry but the thing is that I am pregnant and will soon be having a baby. After my ex and I broke up in October because he doesnt think the baby is his and drama from outsiders wanting to put in their two cents, he and I still remain in contact as friends even though I still have feelings for him. Right now he is becoming increasingly more distant closer the due date for the baby to be born. Since I followed my instinct and didn't do no contact to begin with, I want to try it now. However, he wants to see the baby once he is born and in order to do that I will need to contact him. Should I stop contacting him until the baby is born and just let him know. I really want us to get back together because I feel that this was a silly break up to begin with.
Yes, just contact him when the baby is born and when you see him try to keep the conversation short and only about the baby. All the best.
Long story short she broke up with me after being together for 15 months because I was drinking with my friend after promising to talk to her that night, she gave me all night to try to talk to her and I blew my chances sky high. We were still friendly and talking after the breakup but then I broke half the rules in your guide and now she doesn't even want to talk to me, we've always had problems with my family and whenever I told her i'd ignore them I always went running back, now i'm stuck single and unsure what to do.
Apply no contact for a while and then send the letter mentioned in the article.
I must also add that we were in a relation for 19 months in which the last month was not that good as we had fights and stuff wasnt working out
I was possessive and I know i made a lot of mistakes and we broke up
that guy Robbie was her friend for 2-3 months and I Hv a feeling that he manipulated her and stole her from me
I was in no contact for 2 weeks and then contacted her we talked ok first day all this above comment stuff happened when I talked to her the next day
help me kevin I'm trying to figure out wts going on
Help me she updated her fb status that she hates everyone except her best friend ( girl ) and will marry video games and food
I texted her to ask how she is
And she replied broken and crushed.
I asked why she doesn’t wanna tell
I said ok.and told her to Hv fun and try to ignore wt happened but he said she wanna suicide and she diesnt tell me why ( I feel she broke up with Robbie ) so I told het to ask that friend of hers who she rusts a lot and who knows her
She said it. better to die and I said think about ur parents before doing that
she texted me that she'll isolate herself as usual and if she doesn't reply she's sorry and she has never felt so broken
I replied u know u can trust me and tell me ir u want
I wonder what’s going on as I dont get anything at all wt she means
Help me understand wts going on
Quick reply will be thankful
You did what you could. Now give her some time to sort out her feelings. I'd say contact her after about two weeks.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for the great articles. I agree that the reason you want your ex back shouldn't be "neediness", you really should WANT them back not need them back, but my question is if "still loving them " is not a good reason then what the reason should be? Isn't it because you love them and you enjoy being around them you give yourself and the relationship another shot?
Thank you.
Hey Lili,
Thanks for the comment. I believe I wrote an article about this. You can read it here.
My girlfriend and I are separated for almost 2 months now. At first she says its just a cool off kinda thing and that she only needs time but then I found out that shes already dating another guy. The odd thing is that during those 2 months we still constantly text and see each other which often results to me bursting out to her whenever the conversation gets heated. But then last night she decided that its time for us to go our separate ways. It really broke my heart and I was begging for her to not leave me. But then I realized that it will be better for me to move on. However, she still owes me some amount of money and we are paying some payments monthly that is still due to end for 2 more years. I think it will really be difficult for me to move on since we will still be seeing each other when she gives me the payment and even if she could just use money transfers, I even don’t want to see her name. What should I do? But I still want to get her back thou. And after im done with the no contact thing, what if shes already in a relationship? Can I still ask her to go out with me?
Hey,
I don't think it'll be a problem for you seeing her once in a while (or seeing her name) if you actually concentrate on moving on. Moving on isn't really about forgetting a person. Moving on is about accepting that the relationship didn't work out.
Oh, and if you want to win her back, you should contact her after no contact regardless of her relationship status. Start texting for a while and then ask her to meet you as a friend.
Hey Kevin,
Your article is spot-on with everything I've been going through with my ex EXCEPT I broke up with him a month before Valentine's Day. We was together 3 months and in a long distance relationship. The beginning of the relationship was good until we started fighting and the fights became more and more constant. I do admit that when we was together I verbaly abused him and I feel really bad for it and I apologized and asked him to forgive me for it. The reason I broke up with him was because he wouldn't show he cared or loved me (but said it often) and he wouldn't follow through with his promises. Now I assure you this is not the type of person I would normally want to be with (A man who's not of his word) but he did say that he wanted to change for me and I believe he was starting to right before I broke up with him. After we boke up I regrettably told him that I didn't love him anymore and that we was never getting back together. Within a week of us breaking up he runs into his ex from 5 years ago (who just so happens to be friends with his sisters) he gives her his number and when I asked him if he was talking to someone else at first he lied about it (claims he knew I was gonna be mad about it) but then he eventually admitted it a few days later. The first few days he said they was talking as friends and a few days later he said they was talking more than friends. Basically within a week or two of me breaking up with him he was in a new relationship with his ex. At first he would tell me he still loved me but that the feelings for me would pass over time. This is when I started to bombard him with texts and fb measages, because I felt i was loosing him and would never, ever get him back. He tells me that I pushed him away when we was together and I know I continued to do so after the break up. Him and his ex were together for 3 months, 5 years ago in high school. They both mutually just stopped talking to eachother and moved on to talk to other people. Why? I don't know but he said once him and her started talking again his feelings for her started to come back. Now they been together a little over a month and he says he loves her and has already told her and she's said it back! He also told me with a month that he loved me as well! The reason he said he's with her is because "she never did anything bad when they was together". She messaged me on fb that I needed to stop talking to him and now i feel he's really pissed at me because of the harassment. He told me to leave him alone, stop texting him and has said we are never, ever getting back together and i'm not getting the second chance that I've begged him for! I also feel as if he's only doing this because she's looks through his phone and fb messages. I can already tell his girlfriend is insecure, controlling and manipulative, this can't be a good thing and they haven't been together 2 months yet! I told him if he really wanted to be done to block my number or change his number and he won't! (sign of hope?) I know I seem like a crazy person now but the scariest thing that could happen is to loose this person forever! I already told him I wanted to go to therapy, and we talked about going to therapy as a couple. I feel this is the man I see myself with long-term if I could get another chance to prove myself. He is the only ex that has opened my eyes to change things in me that I want to change to be a better person. Please help me! I've known I needed to stop contacting him but I literally just COULDN'T NOT TEXT HIM! I think i might of turned him off forever and I'm scared. I started my No-Contact Rule 2 days ago and am really tryin to commit to it! I'm supposed to see him and meet him for the first time in April and by the way we did meet online but I feel like he's the one and that he has an important purpose in my life and vice versa!
Hey, you should apply no contact till April. I consider 3 months to be a short term relationship. So, IMO you and his ex both are on level playing field. The only way you can have the upper hand if you show him you are not needy and confident (since she is insecure and controlling). I think the plan will work well for you if you can stick to no contact and make a few positive changes in your life during that time.
Well, I really don't have a choice right now as to what I should do because clearly, forcing him or covincing him back won't do any good..
Maybe in the span of 16 months, I should somehow keep in touch so that even if there are times that he falls or dates another girl, He would still be reminded of me even for just a tad bit and would slim his chances in being in a serious relationship.
What do you think about that? I would still hang around as a friend and would sometimes ignite his feelings so that he'll never see me as a platonic friend...
Please tell me your take on that.
Not a bad idea. But doing it for 16 months will be really hard for you. Not to mention the fact that he will eventually start being with other girls and knowing that will hurt you terribly. If I were you, I'd cut contact for 16 months and concentrate on living my life. But ultimately it's your decision.
He might replace me if I cut contact for 16 months. :'( well.... Maybe I really should focus on myself from now on.. I should let him feel what it's like without me.. and if he's okay with living without me.. then clearly, he's not the man for me. Thankyou for your articles. It gave me confidence
Hey Kevin.
I have done every step on here and my ex and I are talking and having out and going to dinners. I even dated a girl for a while and then when my ex found out she always wanted to see me. I aM not going to lie, I thought about her a lot even when I was seeing that other girl. I have a problem though. Before I was totally happy and we never argued but recently I feel like I am regressing into the old me and I really don't like it. I argue with my ex a little more than before now. What do I do? I aM stuck.
Hey Mike,
There's very little information here for me to say anything about it. I guess you can ask her for some time to figure out what's going on within yourself. Perhaps, therapy will help you figure out the problem.
Hi Kevin,
I was with my high school girlfriend for for only 3 months ( we were friends way before) before we got married and although it was great the first year the second year got a lot harder because I had a lot of stress at work and became insensitive and a real jerk. However she never said anything about how it made her feel until she left and she only left because I told her to do so because I was always expecting more of her and she could never meet my expectations. I realized I had made a mistake and said I was sorry and willing to work on thing and it seemed like we were going to fix it and then two weeks later she said never mind she didn't want to come back and filed for a divorce a month later. She said she wanted independence and said she couldn't trust me anymore. I admit I mad all the mistakes for the first month of calling, texting, msg a million times but around week 6 I finally sucked it up and have only been sending her msgs once a week. She does reply but they are very uninterested conversations. is it still too late to follow these tips. I am improving myself physically, careers wise, etc. Should I do the no contact? Is there any hope almost 3 months later?
Yes, there's hope. Do no contact for a month. However, be prepared for the worst. If things don't work out, you'll have to move on.
Hi!
I read your article and its very helpful. so here's my situation:
together for 1,5 years (mid 20ies both) and the last couple of weeks before he broke up with me we had some fights (more like me nagging and he getting pissed of) which never seemed to be solved in the end cause both always ended up apologizing and i was probablly to much "on his back" and always little more nagging etc and then after another fight and he broke up cause he said he couldnt handle it anymore, doesnt know if he still loves me etc.
It's been exactly 2 months since the breakup and i realised that we both were kinda at fault, i stopped focusing on myself, hence more time to nag at the other person and he probably couldnt express himself enough how much it really bothered him (maybe he tried and i stupid as i was ignored it ).
I did the no contact thing, but it happened 2,3 times in those 30 days that i ran to him in a cafe (but just said hi and both kinda got back to what eachother was doing). But we kinda ignored eachother. Then, a couple of weeks ago of course it had to happended that we were at the same group in a bar and he started a conversation with me and in a few minutes the "weird ice" was broken and actually talked for awhile , what each of us is doing right now etc. Because i have made changes since the break up , of course I brought them up and all the things i am doing now , all in all presented a happy self (which wasnt pretetended cause I really am excited with all the stuff i do right now). The day after that, i wrote him a textmessage saying that it was nice to see him and that I am glad that it wasnt weird like the other couple of times and that it is good to know that we can interact with eachother when we are sitting in the same table and that i am gald to know that both are doing good. He answered that he was glad too and that that was what he wanted too. Something similiar happened the week after, cause a friend of ours had his birthday (without the textmessage after). But all in all that was it with the contact. So I decided to send him a letter yesterday saying that i understand it know, and that it was the right decision cause i realized how i had lost myself in him and didnt stuff for me cause i ignored it and that i learned new things about myself and gained a lot of experiences from the relationship and the break up ( 3 handwirtten pages. basically like the letter you decribe above in your article). Soo now to my actually dilemma: he got the letter and wrote me today a text saying: "hey! thanks for the nice letter. i see it the same way. I am glad that you came through the worst stuff and that you're doing fine again. I also learned a lot from it. I look forward for a beer together. "
All in all good, but what is killing me are the words "am glad that you came through the worst and that you're doing fine again". He mentioned something similiar for a second the day our friend had his birthday were i somehow quick made a comment that things are good. It feels to me like he pities me somehow with those words and like he was fine the very next day after the break up (since he never mentioned that it wa hard for him too.. ) But it really pisses me off, cause when he broke up with me he was also a wreck , at same point when i wasnt crying anymore he cried (never had seen him such a mess), both couldnt sleep (we were at his old hometown house), he threw up at some point.. so i dont get it how it seems so easy for him (for me it was my first real relationship, he had some before but always for a couple months,never serious, so it was for him also the first real and so intense one)..
any avdvise? should i answer the text? i have no fucking idea.. i know that the breakup was right at the time, i do a lot more stuff, hobbies, focusing on career goals and try to be as happy as possible. its just that now that i realized those things, i think we could really make it work, we were so good together.. but i am worried, cause he isnt really the type that has a hard time making decisions or his confused. and he can be also kinda a career type, so i am worried that he prefers now the single life too much and focusing just on himself, that he doesnt want to change that and that i dont have a chance.
Hey Lulu,
You are worrying too much. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out because you are going to be happy no matter what. It could be that he is pitying you, but IMO that's really not an issue as long as getting back together is concerned. Let him think you were miserable as long as he knows that you are doing great in life right now. Contact him after another week and ask him out. Have a fun time, and then do it again after a week. Just keep having fun with him until he makes a move. Just make sure you don't sleep with him until he commits.
Ok, so I didnt answer the text and plan to send him next week a casual text to go for a drink like you recommended. Only thing is, I know I'll probably see him tonight, cause a friend of mine has her first exhibition opening which she organized and he will most likely also be there .. but i think the "plan" should be the same right? of course ignoring him after that letter seems a little stupid but I'll try not to "provoke" the situation by being near him all the same but try to do the opposite.. what do you think?
".. by being near him all the time " is what i meant :P
Sorry it took me a while to reply. I hope it went well.
Hey Kevin,
its me again cause i wanted to hear your opinion. so remember the exhibition i told you about? as i suspected he was there. a lot of my close friends happened to be there so i was hanging around with them. my ex was hanging around with me most of the time and we had just little small talk etc as the last times (keeping in mind he had already gotten the letter i had sent him). now, he was hanging around with me most if the time ( the reason why he came at the first place of course was cause he was doing a favor for one of my (best) friends by bringing some stuff for the exhibition, which they had planed together already before we had broken up), even though there were 1,2 friends of mine which whom he had also became friends while we were still together (but those 1,2 werent standing with me at the exhibiton but somewhere else). anyway, that was almost 2 weeks ago. i didnt send the text in the end to just hang out a few days later cause i didnt feel ready and because i thought maybe because we already kind of hang out unexpectedly at the exhibiton it would seem a little needy. i had a little set back the other days, but think i can handle it now again. but what should i text him? on his answer for the letter he ended the text with " looking forward for a beer together" . so how can i write a casual , funny text? "bonjoouur monsieur. whats up? care for having that beer some time the next days? " sound a little dry to me.. any ideas? and something totally different, what should i say, in case we should go out, he mentiones giving me my stuff back which is still at his place?
I mean, he hasnt initiated any contact at all this whole time. yes we happened to hang out unexpectedly cause it happened by chance. but it was me after the first "normal small talk" that i had send him a text the next day "glad to know we can talk to each other normally etc" , me who wrote the letter.. and both times of course he answered right away with kind words but he is in general a nice and kind guy, so that could just be it.. wont he know right away what i am doing by texting him to hang out?
Hey,
I think you should have a few more fun conversations with him before asking him to hang out. You wanting to grab the first opportunity of meeting him (that is him looking forward for a beer) might seem a little needy.
ok, so i couldnt wait for your answer... it was sunny outside and i was feeling very well about everything so i said to myself what the hell. i texted him saying hey whats up? wanna get a beer tonight? ( dunno, his message about looking forward for a beer was 2 weeks ago ) he said yes etc and we met for a beer tonight. small talk , nothing special the hole 1-2 hours.. no one mentioned anything about the break up. then everybody got home with a kiss on the cheek and he said to me "have a nice night " in a very casual way.. any thoughts? ah, he also mentioned at some point while we were having beer, very casually, that he still has some stuff of mine at his place , but we didnt plan a special date for the exchange or anything.. is that a bad thing he mentioned my stuff? all in all he seemed very casual, couldnt read anything from his body language also.. any thoughts on what i should do now?
would really appreciate an answer from you. after the last "beer meeting", i dunno, it didnt seem to lead somewhere so i probably wont send him a text next week for going out again . or what do you think?
Hey Lulu,
I think you are right. Don't ask him again for a couple of weeks. But continue texting and stay in touch.
Hi Kevin,
he just broke up with me last night and the feeling which he gave me is he likes me a lot but somehow we had some problem cant compromise and he said he cant see it can be fix and he doesn't want to see me unhappy becos of him so he chose to leave this relationship, but I still have stuffs at his place should I go contact him to pick it all up?
I do likes him a lot and I still think the problem we had can be fix
If the stuff is not important, leave it for now and get it after no contact. If you can't wait, then send a friend to pick it up.
Hi,
I have just broke up with my bf on valentine's day night. He said that im no longer the right one for him because i took care of him too good and that pressured him becoz he had no time and be supportive for me. He said im depressed person due to the problem im having at my work place. I always tell him about my concern and problem and i always ask if he has any.
Now he said like he will never come back for me and i will never be his gf again. I did what you said I should not do. I contacted him and he seemed very annoyed ... I dunno .. I still want to know that 'never' always mean never? If i can change attitude towards many things in life.. Will he come back to me after a long time breaking up.. Now im trying to be more confident and attractive.. Will not contact him for a while but I would like to know that.. He will definitely follow his rule of never return to his ex?
I think you still have a chance if you make positive changes in your life. A lot of people say they'll never come back but some of them do come back. So there's still hope.
PLEASE HELP:
My boyfriend of 3 years who I used to oush to girls since we were so young when we first started dating.. I knew of the very big tendency that at some point he would want to explore.. this boyfriend of mine is very very serious towards me. You see, I’m a Filipino and our culture here can be very weird since most people who enter into a relationship is assumed to get married someday. There are no playing. So..that was our relationship..my parents and other relatives like him very much since he’s a very nice guy with a nice vibe and easy to get along with..
Anyway, back to the pushing to other girls part..i was quite more open about it. i used to tell him that he can explore as log as he tells me.. but he never tried and never even showed interest to the idea. He would usually tell me that he doesn't want anyone else but me..
I am the controller in our relationship and I can say that I haven’t been a great girlfriend to him.. well, before our break up..i was so clingy and needy that he found it weird since I was usually a strong woman. That was the start of his weird responses. He told me that since he thought a lot about my ideas and that he’s now quite open that there is a possibility for break up. You see, I used to break up with him but he never agreed.
And now, since he was so imprisoned in my world, he got very curious to the outside world and said he would want to explore it. He wants to do anything he wants without restrictions. He’s a very adventurous and friendly guy and he appreciates all the appreciation and attention that other people are giving him.
I said that we can compromise and work it out and that I’ll give him the freedom he wants since it’s a huge part of the relationship that couples go trough the most heartbreaking moments and fights and even 3rd parties.. he said he didn’t want me to get hurt in his process of growing and exploring since he might not be able to do and prioritize his boyfriend duties. He said he loves me so much and I can feel that it is true.. it’s just that we are both too young to be chained to the person we already want to get married to. He was so sure and so was I.
Even up to now, we text and he tells me that he misses me. I told him that he can come back anytime he misses me because I will always be willing to work things out.
I plan to start the full NC on Sunday this week and the 30th day ends on my birthday. Sigh.
I know I think no contact rule can still be applicable here.. but my issue is that our break up didn't sourced from his losing of interest to me. It was actually a mutual agreement. We both told each other that we know we’d end up together but we still have to explore our own worlds apart.
What can you say about this? We both love each other dearly but he wants to explore the world as a single guy. I understand him since we are both young. But I love the guy.. my family loves him and we are a perfect match. How can I convince him to come back to me and work things out and explore the world together.
You might tell me that I should explore my world too just like what he’s doing but I can be very sure that he’s the one. I want to grow up with him. I want to explore the world with him.
As a guy, what do you think I should do to get him back. Or to convince him that we can do it together. And another question. Do you think the no contact rule would still apply since the problem does not revolve around me but around his principles? Even after the no contact, what of he sees me as a better version of myself and misses me and loves me but still wants his single time. Right now he loves me and misses but still stands his ground. What should I do since our problem is a bit deeper than our superficial looks and is rooted with his thinking? Me being a better version of myself might not help since that is not the issue why we broke up it is actually rooted with his desire to explore. Help!!!!!
In cases like this, it's best to let him explore and decide what he wants in life. If you try to force him to come back, it'll always be at the back of his mind that he never got the chance to explore his options. But if you do let him have his time and he realizes that he would rather be with you than anyone else in this world, you will have 100% for a long time. Yes no contact rule will still work in your situation. It will help him realize what he wants in life and will make him miss you more.
Hi Kevin!
My Bf and I talked about things and he told me that he is 100 percent sure that he's going tocome back to me after 16 months. He said he's going to enjoy single life. Enjoy. Meet friends. Flirt. Maybe even kiss someone else but his heart truly belongs to only me.. He looked very serious about what he's saying..he even said that he's going to marry me and he's sure about it.. he just wants to explore not only in terms of girls but also explore places on his own without our label.. to act freely without any obligations or boyfriend duties.. to flirt when he sees a hot girl and not be guilty about it or to go on a spontaneous trip without ruining our planned dates.. he wants a single life in short.. only 16 months of that then he'llcome back to me..
Whatcan you say about that?
I'm scared that what if he changes his mind after 16 months. Not that I don't trust him.. but I'm just too afraid to get hurt again.
Hey,
Well, to be honest, there is always a chance that he will change his mind in 16 months. There is always a chance that he will fall for some other girl during that time. But like I said before, if you don't let him do it, it'll always be on the back of his mind and he will regret not doing it forever. It's a risk, but do you really think you have an option?
Hi Kevin,
I hope you answer as I been needing some advice. I been dating my best friend for 7 months, who I knew for 10 years. He liked me for the longest time, (about 7 years) and was pretty persistent. Back then I didn't have feelings for him, like I do now. Things started to become hectic, and he broke up with me back in November, but problems were starting to show during September. During the time, I showed how much I needed him, and he became immune to my crying. I kept calling and texting him after he broke up with me, and he blocked me from everything. It a long distance relationship, but during the time we were together he'd come visit. We live 11 hours apart from eachother by train. We would always skype, and ever since he broke up with me, I went over there and begged and pleaded him to come back. I did everything I shouldn't have done, and he told me he didn't love me anymore....he also said he couldn't see a future with me anymore when back then he always wanted to move in with me, this broke my heart completely. I wanted to know, if I start the no-contact now, will it really help. Its already been two weeks since I started this no-contact, and there no signs of him coming back. Is it too late for me? Can I really get him back. I'm going out of my mind right now, and doubting if this will ever work. Questions are filling my mind, if I don't do anything now will I lose him forever. He completely changed when I went to see him again, he's not the person I always knew. I can't read what he's thinking anymore. I understand that this is a barrier men put up after a break up, but will he really return to me again after the no-contact rule. I trying to keep myself together, and its so hard to imagine that he really will come pleading back to me, is it too late for me. Kevin I need your advice.
Hey,
Sorry it took me time to reply. I have been away for 3 days and couldn't reply to the comments here.
Yes, no contact rule will still work for you. I know it seems hopeless and that he will move on if you don't do anything, but there is really nothing else you can do that won't pus him away. No contact will give him the space and time he needs to start missing you. I'll also recommend that you send him the letter mentioned in the article. I think it'll be very effective in your case. Follow the plan and make some positive changes in your life as well. All the best.
Let me add to this. There is a huge difference from being 5-10 minutes away, an hour away or 11 hours away. I dont know how you two met and how long you were dating but being aboe to see your bf/gf once a month at best and spending hundreds just to see them is a huge inconveinence. I was in a similiar situation and finally pulled the plug. we both had such an amazing connection but it was extremely complicated. If you were from the same town and one of you is moving back soon then that is a different story but if you were never from the same place then you should let this one go. Go find a date or two and yes, do something to better yourself but i wouldn't hold on to him. Distance kills relationships unless it is for a specified period of time and you had a physical bond before. Strong bond, not just meeting a guy in a dating site and you all saw each other a handfull of times and then wanted to work it out. Im sorry to say but you need to move on and you will get over it real quick. However he will contact you in the near future but just know that there is no future.
Kevin B
exuse me......i forgot mention we knew eachother from grade school, that how we met until he moved away, back in Grade 8, but was looking for me online since then, while I ignored him for a few years.
o ya i forgot to say,i am in a long distance relationship.And she is the one who always calls the break up,but this time i called up(pattern breaking as suggested by you).because i want her to change and start respecting me as i do..i never abused her.Not ignored her.but this time i stopped contact and put her on reject list of my cell phone(so that she should understand how it feels)she never takes me seriously,she think my ego is just for show,and all i need is her attention(though i wont say i dnt need).Now its a high time for me,and i dont have time to make her understand with saninty(i tried 100 times to let her know that am also a human being,i can also get hurt,i also have self-RESPECT)truly speaking.
Dear Sam,your girlfriend sound like somebody with BPD or a narcisist. She should get help, you sound like an incredible guy, and dont need this in your life. Ask her to seek help, get counseling. If I am right,she wont be able to get over this, so just tell her to search for help ir you are out. It is bit normal to brak up all the time just to test the other perso,it feel horrible, I have been there.. Just tell her to get help now! Wish I had been that firm with my husband. Good luck
Hello Kevin,
Thank you in advance for any input you give, I appreciate it!
Me and my ex were together for 2 years and it was very much off and on. Every time we would break up she would come back within a few weeks realizing it was a mistake she left in the first place. I realize we have a lot of work to do if we want to be sussesful in this partnership. We don't communicate very well sometimes, but overall we adore each other very much, we have a very strong bond and ultimately we are best friends. We fight every week it seems and it has put a huge stress on her. So every "breakup" always feels like it's the last straw. Well on vday we had a very big fight (she overreacted and blew a small issue up) and honestly it was a bit ridiculous it lead to her ending the relationship for good. After every breakup I have always respected her wishes and have never contacted her and that has lead to her always coming back after a few weeks, so this time is no different. 3 days after we ended on vday she contacted me to "apologize for the way she treated me" and to "also wish me well in the future." I never responded to her text because I didn't feel I needed to so about 8 hours later she texted me again asking if I got her text. So we went back and fourth with a few texts and it felt like it may lead up to an argument so
I never responded back. That is the last I heard from her. I guess I just wanted to see what you thought the chances of her coming back were. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her but if she does not want me then I will respect that; therefore I have no plans in contacting her.
Thank you so much!!
-heartbroken.
Hi Kevin,
So things went downhill again. I followed the 5 step plan. Did NC, Wrote the letter, sent a few messages - but she's really really smart and determined to cut me out by the sounds of it.
After the second light hearted message, she asked me to "stop whatever I was doing". I got confused as to what to do at this point, and sent her a heartfelt message asking her to let me explain myself. This was her response:
"Listen George, I don't hate you. You meant much more to me than previous relationships. I don't think of you the same way I did others, because you weren't like the others. I respect you, but this constant messaging still presents selfishness on your part. I've made my self clear many times, yet you still continue to message me after I have asked you to stop. We agreed we would not communicate in this way until we are both completely over each other, we went out for nearly a year and it's only been a bit over a month.
I'm acting the way I'm acting because we've broken up. That's what people do when they've broken up, they don't talk to each other. It is supposed to work this way, if we just started talking and being buddy buddy It would simply be messy and further elongate a painful process for both parties involved.
I have to make this clear and put my foot down, I don't want be with you in a relationship. We broke up for a reason, a multiplicity of reasons. And no matter what you say- or if you have changed for the better, I don't want that."
"George. You know why we broke up. As two individuals we simply didn't work in a relationship.
Maybe you've changed, but I haven't.
And I can't imagine myself with you again, because I don't like the person I was with you. We brought out the worst in each other.
I have no ill feelings towards you. That's all."
What do I do now?
Wait another month or two and then try contacting her again. However, it seems that she is really set on moving on and she is clear about what she wants in life. I'd suggest you try it again after two months and if at that time she has the same attitude, it'll be better for you also to move on.
Hey Kevin,
My wife of 5 years, partner of 11, moved out recently. We've had issues surrounding intimacy on and off for years. But mostly our lives have been pretty dam sweet. Good times together, two amazing kids, a secure and fun lifestyle that allows a lot of adventures.
Anyway, we've been struggling for the last 8 months to keep things together. We would always find ourselves on a loop. She would be a bit distant, I would get sad, she would get more distant, I'd get confused and frustrated. Then things would blow up, we'd make up and then we'd start all over again.
We've been in therapy for a while and can both see where things have gone wrong on both our parts. I really thought we were on the road to recovery when she dropped the bom shell and said she needed time and space to find herself. Heal herself of the hurt she's felt. And focus on being her own person for a while, find out what she really wants in life.
So she moved out. We are in a small town, and have to meet regularly to discuss the kids and life in general as so much was built around the two of us being together.
This makes no contact really hard.
It's also really hard because I really feel like I've made some big improvements in how I see things with us and things I've done, that had I not, might have not lead us to this place. And can't see the sense at all in breaking up our family.
Also she really wants to keep things as normal as possible. She still wants to meet up and do fun things together. Have movie night wioth the kids, no matter who has them that week. A whole lot of stuff that makes it impossible to move on. Not that I want to anyhow.
She also tells me constantly that she doesn't reall want to do this. That she really only wants me in her life. But just that now she can't see a way to be happy together, or even if she ever will.
Anyway, how do I keep no contact? Or even limited contact? How do I get on with my life when I see her all the time? When she constantly says the things I want to hear, then followed with a 'but' she just can't do it now?
Yep finding it very hard to keep positive and happy, when everytime I see her I feel the same grief I felt when she first moved out.
What the heck do I do, feel like I'm losing my mind... :/
Sorry you are in this situation Benny. I hope there was an easier way to deal with this situation but I think the only thing you can do is try to keep positive and let her have the time she says she needs.
Another option that you have is talk to her about no contact. Tell her that maybe it will do both of you some good if you stop contact with each other for a month or two. Tell her you can continue doing family stuff together after no contact.
Hey Kevin,
Basically, we had a beautiful two year relationship, before the relationship we became close friends and talked about everything. During the two years we had been very happy and talked about kids and marriage and were as close as can be. But soon I became very insecure and started suffocating him in the relationship. He got no space and asked for distance but it was hard for me to give him it. If any girls came into his life I'd tell him not to speak to them, one in particular that he was just friends with who lives hundreds of miles away, he still said he loved me very much but started getting sick of it. He had threatened to break up but I always tried to avoid it. He finally broke up with me last week and says he doesn't know how he feels about me, that the love had started fading because he felt pressured and he thinks this breakup should be forever and for the best. He started talking to that same girl hundreds of miles away and now says he doesn't know how he feels about her but she makes him feel better. We had a beautiful, serious relationship but now he says that he hopes we will be good friends and that he wants distance. I already broke the distance rule. He said he loves me, but not the me I am right now, desperate and clingy. Im afraid if I give him space he will move on to her. He tells me not to count on us getting back together and he says he doesn't know if he wants to. Kevin, is there hope? What can I do? We go to school together so I see him every other day and sit next to him. Can love be rekindled? How can I make him want to be back with me? I'm afraid of him saying that theres nothing left and he doesn't feel anything anymore. How can he feel again? I'm trying my best not to text him but this is all very scary. I didn't text him for a few days and then he admitted that he hadn't missed me or thought of me in those days. Kevin, he says theres no hope, but I believe there is, that you can't throw away two years of such great love away, can love die? Do we have hope? Will he get with this girl?
Thank you so much Kevin!
Yes, you do have hope. You have to apply no contact and work on your insecurity during that time. That's the only way to get him back and keep him forever.
Hey Kevin,
Heres an update on things, he said he doesn't like the girl hundreds of miles away anymore but he is friends with her and calls her every night. During the past month, two weeks ago since we go to the same college he had become flirty with me, one day he would say he like me, the other day he would say he is unsure about his feelings, we got intimate when he had feelings for me and said he missed me, then a period of time passed and he became distant again and then last Sunday he invited me to go jogging and we went to his house instead and cuddled, fell asleep together, kissed and it ended well, he promised more kisses and cuddles the next day but was very sick and almost angry the next day, this entire week he hadn't shown affection except Wednesday when we were intimate but he said he had no feelings, we also went to a restaurant earlier that day and had a good time and were close again. Thursday he got angry saying he wanted space again and I went home early and I bumped into him walking to the store, he was walking with another girl and when he left I questioned his friend on whether she liked him, bad move on my part out of insecurity, she said she did and I suddenly got scared and told him. Well, he blew up at me angrily for questioning his friends and told me not to speak for him for a few days. We haven't been talking since Thursday and applying no contact and we left on a bitter note. I broke the other day sending him a text saying I was by a place we used to go to with a friend and wanted to remind him of good times but he ignored it. Basically hes in control of the no contact now and I have been working on myself but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid he's going to get closer to those other friends of his and distance himself from me, and even worse I'm afraid that during this time he is considering us and I am bound to get a text saying he never wants to return and that we have no hope, and I am afraid of how I would even react to something like that. He's told me that I definitely do have a chance and we started off as friends, he needs a friend, and the friendzone pit doesn't seal forever and he has a little hope, but then hes also told me that he's unsure about us, he doesn't like me, he wants to see other people, and that I'm clinging desperately onto something that most likely will not be. While we were on friendly terms I had been trying to compromise with him that if hes my friend he should try to be considerate about my feelings and shift back to talking and rebonding with me instead of that girl hundreds of miles away he just started getting close with, he started warming up to the idea and then got angry again. What do I do when we get in contact again? Do you know whats going on in his mind and why he is confused and if theres anything I can do? I'm really afraid of him saying theres no hope and he wants to call it quits permanently.
Also I don't know if I should keep giving him space or if I should contact him and ask him to go jogging or for coffee. I've had the urge to appear at his window and ask to talk and even call, I haven't and I am afraid he will just get angry but I really want to talk to him, Im afraid he's either not missing me or is "considering us" already (we made a plan he would on April 9th) and will send me a long text saying its over and I should move on and he had thought us over. What do I do when we get in contact again? Do you know whats going on in his mind and why he is confused and if theres anything I can do?
I went for a walk and ran into him as if by fate, we hung out and I asked about us and he said he is sure how he feels now and that is that he doesn't like me and that he thought he did but doesn't. He then got depressed but not because us, when I pressed he yelled at me to leave him alone. I texted him saying sorry I pressed and he screamed at me that if I messaged him one more time he would block my number. Help
Hey Kevin,
Me and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up 2 weeks ago. I was the one at fault for talking to another girl while i was in the relationship still. We still talk a little and text every now and then. I really do want her back but she insists we move on. The first 2 years of our relationship was a roller coaster but as the last couple of months we were together, things started to fall apart with arguments. She says she doesn't want to come back to me because she wont be able to trust me. I dont know what to do and im heart broken. All I want is her back and ive been working on myself to never let those temptations take over again. What should i do?
You need to give her time and then meet her after that. Don't ask her to get back together straight away. Take things slowly and let her see the changes you've made herself.
Hey Kevin,
I have a unique situation with my ex. On the Monday, two weeks before Valentine's Day, my boyfriend broke up with me because he said he lost himself in the process of giving his all in our relationship. Some things happened (not as far as cheating, though) that he can't seem to get over. He said he needed space and time to rediscover himself and find out where he wants to be. That Friday, he told me that we're just on a break, that his heart still beats for me, and that I still have him for Valentine's Day. He also extended an invitation to me to move with him from our hometown, Detroit, to Florida (after saying he wanted to do it alone) because he knows that's a common goal of ours and he doesn't want to go alone. Of course I accepted! We had a wonderful Valentine's Day and he said it was the best he's ever had! We started casually texting again but every time, I am always left feeling miserable and terribly missing him. He says he needs space, but he is ALWAYS the first to text out of the two of us, mostly just checking on me. I can't help but express how I feel to him and he keeps saying that he is not focused on a relationship and our hearts are in two different places. I went a little too far with my emotions this morning and he almost took back his invitation to Florida, saying he doesn't think I can handle it. I don't know. Maybe I can't. But I don't want to lose him. I am DESPERATE! I told him that I know I can handle it and that I'd show him! He said ok then, we'll see. Do you still think I should do the 30 Day Rule? What if he finds someone else to go to Florida with him in those thirty days? I'm just so lonely, have no one to talk to, and scared of losing him! PLEASE HELP!
Yes, apply the 30 day rule. If you're afraid that he might find someone else to go to Florida in that time, let him know beforehand that you need some space and time and you'll contact him before he leaves for Florida and let him know if you want to come with him. He wants you to come with him, so I am pretty sure he'll wait for you.
Hi Kevin
One of the things I will take with me today is, I'm not alone in the heartache im suffering right now! Mine is a very long minefield of a story. I was with a long term partner for 12 years 2 children and plenty of disappointment later split! He cheated with a close friend while I was pregnant with my second child. I have fallen in love with my rebound relationship! We have a deep emotional connection unlike any other. The problem,he let the relationship slip and I ended it to give him a shock, instead I was the one in shock when he moved on with someone else, I was devastated and had a moment of weakness with my previous partner! Wtf! I came clean because I felt I had let myself down in the worst way. Now all I can think about is my rebound relationship! He is the one who's slapped the no contact on me. I am no longer in the driving seat but at the back of the bus ( feeling like being under it would be less painful!) what now? Do I leave it up to him to break the no contact? Iv excepted I can't text and call all the time but it hurts like iv lost a limb. X
Thanks Rachael ( in actual physical pain)
Hey,
You can contact him after No contact to see if he responds. However, I'll recommend you wait at least 60 days before contacting him.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago and I miss him terribly. We have been together 3 years, live together, and have only broken up this one time. The reason we broke up is because his mother was too involved and made it her mission to get me out of her son's life, even though I have never done something to her or my boyfriend. We got in a huge fight over it after she came to my home and was throwing my things outside and he told her off and he put the blame on me for that, I admit I was very lippy and angry with him too, we also got into a physical altercation because of that as well. My mother called the police on him and now he is charged with assault and he can not have any contact with me until we finish with court. I know I sound stupid for saying this but I want to give it one more try, I know that's not how he is(physically violent), he has always been the most harmless guy I have ever met and I know we can work on it. Like I said, we have only broken up this one time over the course of our 3 year relationship, our fights are over the silliest things that only last about 15 minutes and it's usually whenever his mother is involved. Before 2 weeks ago, we were so happy, in love, and had everything we ever wanted. We were even talking about marriage and having children within the next couple years. I feel incomplete without him in my life and I would do anything to get him back. Any advice on how to do that?
Give him time and let everything related to court settle down. Contact him after that and have a chat with him about what you want and what he wants.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote you a couple of weeks ago regarding my relationship with my ex, who also happens to be the father of my child. To recap, he used to call me at 2am for no apparent reason and he continually flirted with me by tossing baby toys in my direction. I completely put a stop to him calling me in the wee hours of the morning as I established it was highly inappropriate. He apologized and has not done it since. However, he continues to flirt with me, but now, the flirtation has increased to physicality. He picks me up and tosses me on the bed and proceeds to try to wrestle with me. In a way I like it because it's the most affection I've gotten from him in a long time but I'm torn because I feel as if it gives me mixed signals and false hope.
Since I last wrote to you I have continued to look flawless when I see him and even spray some body mist to ensure I smell really good. Also I have taken up going to the gym and I realize my body is becoming very toned which makes me happy.
As far as my child's father I don't know what I should do if anything. Please advise!
Hey Jessica,
If he is still seeing someone else, let him know that it's inappropriate of him to flirt with you like this and he should stop. If you have done no contact (or limited contact) for a while, then start messaging him and chatting with him more. Ask him out for coffee and try to have fun with him. Continue being flawless and confident in front of him and he will eventually want to get back together.
Hi Kevin,
I just had a quick question. Do you think it would be wise to pretend I was dating someone else to make my ex jealous? The reason I ask is it seems that when he THINKS I am involved with someone that's when he starts to gives me the most attention.
Nope, it's not wise at all to pretend. If he finds out you were pretending (which IMO he will), you are going to look needy and desperate. It will, however, be wise to go out on a few dates though and let him find out on his own.
Hey, my ex has found somebody else and is dating him 3 months after we split up, but i really want her back.
the last time i spoke to her we split fighting and arguing, especially because i found out she was dating somebody.
Now i want to try and be her friends, but i want to do the no-contact rule. but should i send her a personal letter first saying i want to be her friend eventually but need some time? or let her stay mad at me and do the no-contact rule first anyway
thanks
Send her a letter apologizing for fighting and arguing. But it's better if you do it after a 3-4 weeks.
hi kevin!...your article really made me convinced,n i have decided to follow your 5 step plan.So here is my situation,i love my girlfriend,and i support her at every point of life,it may be studies or day to day life.Now we are about to complete 2years,but 2 days ago,we had a quarrel on her problem that she is facing(i told her that she may face problem if she does that)still she did that,now i provided her a solution,but after getting solution she behaves as if i did nothing,and got furious on me.I was diagnosed with tachycardia,anxiety because of tension ,doctors told me not to get excited,still i get exited and emotional to help her like as if am her guardian.I am searching a job these days and am tensed with that,my mom is also retired,financial problems and all.So just to win an argument she commented "then tell me why are you not getting a job if talent is all that you need" and I got hurt(am also very sentimental). But then and there i decided i need to focus on my work,and find a job,cause can't take such from her. She was the one who once said that she believes in me. And now she's making such remark?? i made no contact for the next day,but she called one of my hostel junior,but i told her am busy,but she said that i made her feel low just because i was not receiving her calls and she had to call a junior,but i didn't pay any heed(as i was still hurt)she said the emotions that i showed to her(because of that hurt)was a drama, and now I am not picking up her call is also a drama and started abusing me. And cut the call. At night when i called her i found that she kept me in the reject list of phone(she does that more often)so i thought it might be casual.i called more than 20 times (I know I am being desperate as am addicted to her I know) and last i left a message"please call up if you really didn't mean those words you told me regarding unemployment of mine,Will wait for your call entire night"i remained awake that night,and in the morning 6 i left her a message"I waited as i said,but u dint turn on,You know that i love my career and i know I am jobless but hearing that from you hurt me,you always say that i belittle you,u know what i believed in you, believed you, don't worry no more,am going goodbye take care. and slept(and went for no contact)when i woke up i got just 2miss calls from her side,but i remained in no contact rule.and i changed my fb password and blocked her(but i used to stalk on hers')and knowing that i changed my password and stalking on hers, she changed her fb gmail passwords too. Now what should i do?? Because if I show or try to make her realize that I am hurt,she will never understand and it may happen that she may hurt my self-worth again.So what should i do now?? She is a nice girl i know(not because she is my soulmate,love bla bla)because she's loyal(till now don't know about future),love me,cares for me(but is emotional),but she is very egoistic. But i can't trust her because she had many boyfriends(in past)whom she kissed,went on dates(but she says"that was her childish activity,she was too young for relationship)but i saw her conversation with her X's she used to tell her x(guy:-cant live without you i love you,give me one chance?she:-you cant take my hand in front of the world,go against your family,marry me,)and she was with another relationship during that time(she told me about that bf only,and said she love her only)i believed her.So now here is the entire scenario"i need a job to take care of my aged mom,my dreams are also there,and she is some one with whom i passed 2years of my life. But what if she calls me after 4days(she does that often). But don't feel sorry for what she said and will say "break up again". and i have never been in no contact for more than 7days.what if she thinks i am with someone else,and even if i contact her after a month,she abuses me or doesn't trust me,and says that she moved on.please help kevin!!
Hey Sam,
I had been busy for the past three days which is why it took so long for me to reply to your comment. I hope you are still applying no contact.
I think she is still young and a little bit immature. And from what it looks like, I think you are quite young as well. If she calls you again, you can answer her and tell her that you need some space and time and you'll contact her after a couple of weeks. Did you guys actually break up? Did she actually tell you that she wants to break up? If not, then only apply no contact for a week or two and then contact her. The only thing you both need is to work on your communication. Talk to her after no contact and tell her that you want to work things out.
thank kevin for your reply,well another thing i want to tell you that,its not the first time she abused,called me name or disrespected me,infact i read many articles and came to know that may be she has BPD(borderline personality disorder).moreover,i always use to tell her that,i love my career,i need to support my familly.Infact she appretiates when i remain awake late night n help her to prepare for exam,she is fatty but i always use to say "i am lucky to have you ".Even once i broke up for good,but she cried but that was also a manipulative technique(like silent treatment,confrontation,poor me etc).but now she changed abit,but am still scared of her old abusive behaiviour(like defending her x saying he was better because he dumped her and told that on face,and i dnt have that guts to tell her)but actualy i get hurt when she hurts my ego and abuses me by saying stuffs like(i need a sec to kick guys like you, there are 1000 of other guys after me,and last time she called me(2days ago)i was hurt and was not in a mood to talk to,she started complaining and saying that i should stop my drama,and used abusive words,i politely told her("mind your language"),and her reply was somewhat like("jerk,asshole etc)..am hurt and i think if i call her 1st then she will think that she won some kinda battle over me,she will think am needy,i can't have anyone,and all my self-worth,selfesteem,respect vll be lost for ever.but she knows even if she calls me after many days she can convince me,by manipulation techniques.i love her and i get convinced.But i know she will continue that again.and don't wanna loose my confidence and self respect...and most importantly i also don't wanna loose her(may be am addicted as your article says)so just tell me what to say if she calls me 1st?because i can't get back to her with a proper apology and realisation from her side.
hope i am clear.thanx in advance kevin.
Don't pick up her phone for at least a month. If she continues calling you, tell her that you need some space and time and you'll contact her after a month. Eventually, she will realize her mistakes and will hopefully apologize for her behavior. If she doesn't you should make it clear when you contact her (after NC) that you deserve an apology and assurance from her that her abusive behavior will stop. If she can't stop it, then you will have to leave her and move on.
hey kevin!!..its day 6 now,usually she calls me after 4 days(in worst case)..but this time she is not calling,actually i have never been so determined of NC,so what do u think from your experience the reason behind this.I am asking because i can't understand the psycology of girls like you.Reply me abit elaborately please..
hey kevin i know m getting abit impatient!!but actually whenever i go for no contact i miss her more,but i also kno that,i can't be happy if she doesn't change her behaiviour towards me.so please try to rply to me asap,cause i am waiting for ur reply daily for the entire day.
It's completely normal. You have to be strong enough to not contact her. It gets easier after a while though.
Yes thanks kevin!,now i have got some confidence that,i am worthy of self-esteem and respect.Now atleast i wont regret 4 anything.,and i want to confess something,yesterday i went through her fb from someothers profile,and i saw her post "If someone truly wants to be a part of you life then that person should atleast make a try" and "dont ignore someone who really loves you,misses you cares for you because one day when you wake up,u may loose the MOON while counting stars"....what does that mean?i mean thats my situation,n she is using my situation as her FB update..don't you think its a manipulative technique?"poor me" and i am the one to blame.Still she is not realizing her fault.But now i think she may be love but definitely not my LIFE!!...Brother i will continuously seek your opinion hope you wont get annoyed :)
Hey Sam,
It was definitely meant for you and it was manipulative. Try not checking her facebook anymore. Also, read the book "Non- Violent Communications" by Marshall Rosenberg. I think it will help you express your concerns in a more effective manner when you do talk to her.
hey kevin!! she called me today,i ignored some of her calls.den pckd up.atfirst she was talking casually,asking whether i moved on ot not,i asked time and space for myself in response,and she started blaming me again,then used confronting statements.i put down the phone,den she called me again,i picked up,she was crying but no realisation,she said "what do you think of me?u need time and space now,whenever u want.den y dint u tell me before going for relation,now 2years are over so u wanna check other girls.i thought this one week will change you or make you realise ur fault."den i said "listen,am hurt,now hurt my self-respect and ego,so i deserve an apology and assurance,den after a long pause she replied crying"okay you want sorry den i am sorry for everything,still i will stick to my words that i din't mean anything at that time.and cut the phone on my face and switchd off. now what should i do next???please reply asap!!!
Hey Sam,
There seems to be more of an ego fight between you two rather than a relationship. I think you should give each other a little more time and next time she calls you need to have a conversation about what each of you expect in a relationship. You need to be clear about what you expect and what kind of behavior from her is unacceptable. And when you lay the foundations, you'll have to follow them. If she is not willing to make any effort in making the relationship work, you'll have to break up with her.
My ex broke up with me 30 days ago. We haven't spoken in 16 days and I'm not going to be the first to break down and contact him. I tried talking to him after the break up and it is "too soon" for him. He broke up with me because he is stressed out with his career/job. He's only 23 and he makes it seem like he needs to decide what he wants for the rest of his life right this second. He was perfectly fine a week ago. He graduated College spring 2013 and started working in the summer of 2013 and he is not adjusting well and it disrupts other kinds of things in his life, including our relationship. I just would like to know what I should/what you think is going to happen? The night he broke up with me he was sincere and sad (he cried in front of me, and I've never seen him do that after dating for 2 years) and he also said I was such an important person to him in his life and still wants to talk and hopefully once he stops being freaked out about growing up we can try things again. But, then when we were texting is was so different. He was distant and defensive. He was saying things like "I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you yet so I broke it off now" and he seems all over the place with his emotions. So, I was reaching out for some help and advice because I feel like I'm losing hope and faith in getting this relationship back and I really don't want to. I know how important our relationship is to me and I don't want to give that up.
Hy Rose, you need to apply the no contact rule. It'll help him realize whether or not he wants you in life and it'll also give you time to think about whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend his life with you.
Hey Kevin,
Yes I know. I am doing my hardest not talking to him. All he is doing is hanging out with his job-less friends in his basement and I know that'll get old for him soon enough. I do what him in my life so I am respecting his wishes/needs of wanting "time and space" even though I think it's selfish. But, I am hoping the the no contact rule will really work and help me out with this situation.
Me and my girlfriend of two years just split up and I made the the mistake of messaging her one time. It was her decision to break up with me. One day she told me how much she loved me and the next day she broke up with me. She has some emotional issues and has been diagnosed so, and acts on them quite frequently. Well, when i messed up and messaged her she told me that we need to break the habit of talkin to one another and move on. After reading this i know what i need to do, i guess my question is, in your expert opinion does this sound like sincerity or just another way to be in control of the relationship. Also if they say they prefere no contact does that mean I have no chance of getting her back?
No it doesn't mean that you don't have a chance. You can contact her after 30 days to see how she responds to you. If she is still cold, then you should consider moving on.
Hi Kevin,
I came across your website and I think your articles are great. I'd like to get your thoughts on my relationship. I am almost in my mid 30 and he is in his late 30.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and he has just dropped the news on me just last Tue. that he wasn't feeling the same.
I was devastated even now I still am. He and I are still living together, we moved into an apartment last summer and things were still going fine, but the major problem that we have is "sex".
The first year we met, the sex part was great because I wasn't going back to school that time and he was happy. Then I started school and also worked full time, things were getting a bit difficult
with the whole sex thing. After the first year of our relationship, we still had sex sometimes but not often as it did before. I became stress because I was a full time student and worked full time, I had to make sure that I could cover all my expenses each month.
My boyfriend is still in school, but didn't work during the time we were dating. I had no problem dating him knowing he didn't have a job that time because we weren't living together and he didn't ask for money or anything ( he got a school loan and pell grant),
but then he started bugging me about sex that we didn't get to do it as much as we did in the first year. He told me I always used work and school as excuses that I couldn't be tired the entire year. I know it's a shame on my part because sex plays a big role in a relationship,
I have tried to make it work, but work and school were so overwhelming , then I started to lose the sex drive. I was always tired and didn't want to do much when I got to see him. Towards the end of 2012, we did try and it did happen, he felt a bit more better about the situation.
He asked me before the reason why I didn't want to do it much if it was because someone else, I never had anyone else and it has always been him. I love him so much and I always have, but he still had some doubts in me.
In the beginning of 2013, we decided to move in together but not until the end of May. We finally moved in together and his family was happy for us. He told me he was hoping our sex life would improve, but I guess i was too comfortable with the fact we got a place together and he was still with me, so he
wouldn't go anywhere. We had also fought about other stuff too like he said I am very defensive about things or I am very stressful person. I told him he was mean to me sometimes , he would say things to make me upset and he can be picky about some certain things. Somehow we managed to survive, everytime we fought
, we were able to talk and get through. He also said that he still loved me but won't garantee it will be the same if it keeps happening about the whole no sex and some other issues we have.I told him I would try to make things better, but the sex part still didn't happen even after we moved in. That time I felt like
I was carrying too much responsibilities because he still didn't have a job even we moved in together. In june, I was done with my school , so I didn't have to pay for it but was still working 6 days a week and I bought a brand new car. I was stressed because he wouldn't like if i talked to him to get a job. It turned out for 3 months, I had to cover all
expenses for both of us. I mean we were still kissing, cuddling, and touching each other, but just the sex it was like lost in the sea. In September, he got a part time job at the gym and soon got promoted to be a supervisor. My friends said once he gets a job and makes his own money , he might wanna do his own things or leave.
I didn't think of that but just thought I'll deal with it when the time comes.He also started to stop asking me about sex and we became like an old married couple. He told me before that I am a caring person, have a huge heart, and out of his exes , he is attracted to me the most. I have never been with anyone this long and even living together. I told him he could be the one
I want to spend my life with( I forgot to mention he was married before but no kids). Yet, we still haven't done anything till last month I decided to take the baby step and fool around with him to get the romance back and he agreed to do it. I thought things were going in a better direction til last Tue.
he got home from work and was hesitating to tell me. I asked him to talk to me, then he said he wasn't feeling the same and it was getting worse. He said we were just like roommates hanging out and mostly was about the sex thing. He said we didn't have a lot of things in common and he was mean to me.
My heart just dropped, i didn't know what to do but just freaked out. I was crying and begging him for a second chance which i would change my attitude and let loose more. He said we talked about this before and it's still happening, so he needed some space and we would just live with no affection.
I was crushed, it was really hard for me to accept that but it was what he wanted, so I gave hime some space. It was difficult to get through my day the next day but i had to. I came home from work and that night we continued to talk a bit about what happened from Tue. night, i was upset , so i asked if you 're not feeling the same, then we can't live like this.
Our lease is up in May, but the apt is under my name, so i talked to him about when he is moving out and he said he didn't want to talk about this at the moment. He also said if he changed his mind to get back together, he would have to say it , not me. He told me while we have our own spaces, i should reevaluate and this the best way for us. I insisted that I have a strong will and i believe that
this can be resolved if he is willing to give it a try again. He goes just think about it, if we're ready to talk and i still want to rekindle, he may consider it.
After Wed., I haven't talked to him about us, i was trying to act normal and talk to him about general stuff. I'm still sad but i am keeping myself busy with work and talk and hang out with friends.
I miss him and i want give him a kiss and hug when i see him, but i know i can't at this moment, so i'll just wait and see what's going to happen.
I apologize if my story gives you headache...lol.. but i hope you can tell me what your thoughts on this and what are my chances of us getting back together? I'm just afraid he will completely have no love and forget about me
by the time we are ready to talk again.
Thank you, Kevin
Hey Val,
Yes you do have a chance to get back together. And a good one at that. You just need to apply the NC rule and work on yourself. Since sex was a huge issue with you guys, I'd advise you to look into that. Get a therapist to talk about the issue or search online how other couples cope with different sex drives. I don't think he'll forget about you. In fact, I think he'll start missing you soon enough and want to talk to you eventually. Just make sure when you talk to him, you take things slowly and don't rush him into getting back together.
Kevin,
Thank you so much for responding back. I am working on myself and trying to let loose and not getting offended or being defensive easily, so I can be a better person. I am living my life and following the NC rules, but the only thing is we are still living together and I'm not sure when he is moving out or if he can afford to move right now. I only talk to him about general stuff and something related to the household but not about our relationship. Since we are still living in the same roof, it's difficult to completely avoid each other. So far we have only been texting about what we need for the house like grocery and etc. or something important like phone bills, rent, and utilities that we have to split. I am thinking of seeing a therapist as well. I will look into it and research more about people with different sex drives. I don't know if there will be a chance for us to get back together while we're still living in the same roof, What do you think?
Kevin, thank you for your opinion and suggestion. I really appreciate your response.
There is a chance, but it's always better if you can create space between you two. Regardless, this is your only option so you've to work with it. All the best.
Hey, forgive this long post. I just split up with my fiance of 4 1/2 years. I was completely blindsided by this and she didn't tell me to my face that she felt this way; that she was too scared to. We've had a great time together over the years and I've sacrificed a lot to be with her, but in hindsight I can see all the times I wasn't who I should have been for her. It took this split, my aunt dying the same week, and seeing my grandfather (my aunt's father) in the hospital after his 3rd recent stroke for me to realize I needed to change for myself and for my ex fiance.
We have a strong history together but I lost my job last year (mostly my fault) and she's been working two jobs to keep us afloat along with my unemployment checks. I cannot help but think that that has had a large impact on this situation. She is now seeing my best friend (who I am assuming is a rebound) who lives in the same complex as me. I know what she wants in life; its all simple. And now I know I want what she wants.
I've truly changed over this time and I have used NC over this past week or so, after she came up with my to my aunt's funeral. Before I came up to my parent's we had a conversation and that we both don't want to be out of each other's lives and that I never intended for any of this to happen. She said she was done, but I don't believe her. I believe this other guy is clouding her mind so she cannot look at the relationship we had and realize we can have so much better with everything I know now. And his availability made is so she didn't give me a second chance.
I have to go back to our apt sooner than 30 days because I have to go to a job fair, then another interview. So I can't really do strict NC, and I hope just that short amount of contact we do make doesn't ruin any progress I've made using NC right now.
And what I really want to know is if she is thinking during all this time. About us, about the potential we could have, or if that's being clouded by her, imo, rebound relationship.
Just looking for advice, support, and hope. More details can be provided.
Yes, she will be thinking about you during this time. And it doesn't ruin no contact if you see her once or twice. Just make sure you don't talk about anything personal during that time. If she is still in the rebound relationship after no contact, then you should approach her as a friend and try to build attraction before asking her to try again.
Hi Kelvin. This is my story. My ex girlfriend and I were the best friends at foundation time. During the degree, she changed the uni and started the interest on me. And the time passed, we were finally be the couple. She is my first love. But due to my sensitive sense, we always ended up with arguing all the time. At one time, I suggested to break with her, but I hold back after the second of it. But it made her changed the attitude on me till 2 months later. We had a big argument due to a argument case that related me and my best friend who is the best friend of hers too. She chose the friend's side and said that friend is even more important than bf. It really made me so angry about it and I suggested to come out face to face talk. I never scold her and it was a argument. After that day, she suggested to break, saying that she's feeling tired. I had also done all the things that you mentioned at above some sort like begging. And till now, we have almost passed one month. When I tried to message her, she will take a long time to reply. Her friends told me that she wants to see my changes on my attitude, I am willing to do so. But due to our long distance, I can't even get a chance to meet her. But the long distance is not a problem for us anymore. After the 4 days of begging, I had ignored her at any social network and waited a week and made a short video that containing the memories and apologizes to her as the valentines gift. She didn't reply. I ignored her again another week, till this thursday, she mentioned that I just can't change my attitudes and she shouldn't even wait me at one of the social network. I sent a text for her, telling her that I'm making changes now and time and action will prove everything. She replied that she was not mentioning about me. And I just told her that it was misunderstanding and close it till another day. I text her an empty message about asking her how is she recently, she didn't reply and I just sent again about yesterday's case, telling her it was a misunderstanding and I've already moved on. She replied me the first message, said very good now and I just told her very good and hope to chat next time and ended. Till now, I already started NC since yesterday and she is being chased by a lot of guys. We had passed one year of long distance relationship, and I really hope that there is still got chance for us to get back again. I have planned to not open any social network till 2 months later and follow your plan. Do I have the hope of it? Does this decision is correct? And even so do I need to send her the letter after the NC? Your help is much appreciated and sorry for my broken english.
Hi Kevin, great blog. I just wanna share my situation. My relationship with my boyfriend ended yesterday. It lasted for 10 months. He's married with 2 adorable young children (5 & 2). We work in the same company so im afraid no contact isn't completely applicable on my case. His marriage was becoming stagnant even before we've met. He wasn't happy and he fell out of love with his wife. They dont live together anymore under one roof. Our relationship was a bliss, it made me a better person, i have become a mature woman than i was on my previous relationships. He made me a better person. All the stress and troubles started when his wife found out about us about 4 months ago. But we fought for what we had. He fought for me when his parents strongly disapproved of our relationship because they dont want him to leave his children. We fought really hard. But all the stress caused by his wife has became a strain in our relationship. She was harassing us on email & facebook. She even contacted some of my relatives and telling them very much bad things about me. Until yesterday, he said he wanted to call off our relationship. He said he wanna protect me and spare me from all the troubles that his wife is up to. So he decided to just clean up his mess and patch things up with her. Considering my situation, i hope not to be judged by anyone here. I want him back Kevin because I know he still loves me so much. I've already made the mistake of sending him emails on the night of our breakup telling him i miss him so much and begged for him to come back and still calls him of our endearment term. His replies were "everything's gonna be ok, just be strong" "sorry for everything i know words are not enough. but i cant do anything now to heal those wounds. my love for you will never fade. you'll always have a place into my heart". Kevin, i need your help. I want to start a new relationship with him again.
Hey Veronica,
I am so sorry you are in this situation. However, there is really nothing you can do if he wants to try things out with his wife. I will only recommend you concentrate your efforts in moving on. I know it feels like he was the only one for you, but it's simply not true. You'll find many men out there who will make you feel same and maybe even better than he did.
If there was something you could've done to get him back, I would've told you so. But there is nothing that will not make you look like a needy person who is trying to ruin someone's marriage. This is why I am recommending you concentrate your efforts in moving on. If his marriage doesn't work out, he'll come back to you. But you should not count on it and accept that he might never come back to you.
Thank you for taking time to reply Kevin, it really means a lot. I wrote the 1st comment 1st day after our painful break-up, during that time i was so obssessed on getting him back. Today is the 5th day and as time passes by i am getting into my senses and getting a hold of the situation. Even before i've read your reply, i've been thinking about the exact same thing - i cannot stop him from trying things out with his wife. After being absent at work since we broke up, i decided to come to the office and submit my resignation letter. He asked me to have a coffee after, it was the 1st time we'll talk after the break-up. I can say he's holding his tears, he told me how much he misses me. What surprised me was when he asked "if i ask for another chance, will you still accept me?" i ask what was the question for, he said "nothing just for argument's sake." so i told him "only if you've decided to leave your wife. it cant be both of us. if its her, then its her. if its me, i want it to be only me". he just nodded. I can also recall him saying that sometimes he thinks about his decision and thinking if he's done the right thing. The conversation went smooth, like were both trying to create a light atmosphere for both of us, when suddenly i mentioned (without any intention to make him jealous) that i've been exchanging text messages with this one guy whose been texting me while back. After hearing it, his mood kinda changed and asked me why did i have to tell him that, i said "nothing i just mentioned it", then he suddenly asked me if he can just leave 1st because he needs to take care of something. What do you think are the reasons behind his actions Kevin? Why was he asking about the 2nd chance and why did he react that way about me texting someone else? I dont wanna expect. I just wanna know, based on your opinion, if there is a chance that he'd still go back to me? I am not gonna make any move to get him back and ruin his marriage. Im going to stay out of the picture give him space and time to decide on what he really want. If day comes he realizes he wanna come back to me i'd be VERY VERY happy. But just like what you say, i'll also prepare myself that it will never happen.
He is obviously confused about his feelings. He loved you and he probably still loves you. But he has decided to give his family a chance and there's nothing you can do about that. He might be second guessing his decision since he still has feelings for you, perhaps that's why he is talking about a second chance. But like I said, don't get your hopes and be prepared for the worst.
And he obviously got jealous when you mentioned about texting someone else. It's a natural reaction when someone you love (or loved) is thinking about being with someone else.
Kevin, thank you so much for the article :) Reading it is giving me hope already.
I'm just wondering, was it a good thing to keep my Twitter account private to keep him out for the 30 NC days? Or does it make me seem bitter? It's so hard not seeing him or communicating with him because we see each other almost everyday at work.
Yes, it's a god idea. It doesn't make you seem bitter. Even if it does, you can explain him after no contact that you needed some space and time.
Kevin,
Great site you have, it's helping me understand.
My relationship of 6yrs ended Sept 2013 . I'm 41 and she 26.I cheated on her and she moved out, she wouldn't take my calls or respond to any contact. She formed a rebound relationship 3 weeks after the split and posted her delight about the new guy on Facebook. It lasted 3 weeks and she ended it with him. She then took my calls and we were on speaking terms again. She would be ok with me one week then ignore me completely at random. I made to usual mistakes of needy ness, clingy , jealousy whilst trying to reconsile. After 2 months we started to have sex now and then. But it made me want to reconsile more so, and I continued to persist and look needy. After another month or so she said we will try to work it out, but after a short time she advised me it wasn't working and she couldn't forgive me, also her parents strongly urged her to forget me. I kept persisting and we were still having sex but she would still show anger at me during conversations about us or a future. This behaviour has been ongoing as has the sex making it harder for me to understand what to do. I found your site around 3 weeks ago and decided to use no contact, lasted a week before I broke it by calling her. I decided to start no contact again as soon as the call was finished. I sent her a SMS last week saying I accept it's over and it's best for us both, decided to let go , apologised for my needy ness and pushing to reconcile. I have mixed up the process in timeframe and I'm unsure of what I should do? Thank you Kevin.
Hey,
Wait another two to three weeks before contacting her. Try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. This will show her you are capable of change and will give her hope. Also, if possible, go for counseling. This will show her that you are willing to understand your mistakes and learn from them so you don't repeat it again. Hopefully, when you meet her after no contact, these changes will make her feel like she can give it another try. But make sure you don't ask her to get back together. Don't push her into it. Take things slowly.
This is my letter...
How does it come across? Is the 3rd paragraph ok? I don't want to say too much about what I'm doing now, as far as changes, but just enough like suggested above...And how do I close it out? Talk soon? Hope to talk soon? or just my name? Thank you for your help.
Ι wanted to send you a short note as I have been thinking about you. I miss you more than I can ever write or say and that you are a special person to me, who I respect and admire. At the same time, I also want to say that I agree with you on ending our relationship. Without the breakup, I would never have realized what I was doing wrong and all the mistakes I made. Please know though that our relationship ending was the last thing I wanted to happen. However, it has given me the chance to become a better person.
I also wanted to let you know I take full responsibility for my words and actions while we were together. I have regretted ALL my mistakes I made from the moment I realized that I was at fault for causing you to feel hurt and unappreciated. My behaviors and words came from inexperience with relationships, not understanding what you needed from me, and my own fears about letting someone, you, close to me and truly not realizing that I was making A LOT of mistakes. They had nothing to do with you and I am sorry for saying and doing things that pushed you away. There is no excuse for my behaviors and I can only hope you will be able to forgive me.
After a lot of thinking and being upset with myself over how I was with you during our relationship, I knew I had to start making needed changes within myself. I have been working hard on making a new and better version of me. I have started a couple of new hobbies/activities that are fun and exciting, and would love to share them with you. Now is not the time though, as the purpose of my letter is to share my thoughts with you regarding the ending of our relationship and that I respect your decision.
Hey,
I think you are going overboard with the apology and kind of putting yourself down. I am sure that everything in the relationship was not JUST your mistake and the letter makes it sound like that you were the only one at fault. Keep the apology short and don't go into too much details.
And don't mention that you've been working on yourself. It kind of goes against the element of surprise. Instead, just keep it short and vague like "I have had some interesting things happen in my life since the breakup. But now is not the time to discuss it since we both need some space and time." It will arouse his curiosity and that means he will be thinking about you more often.
Hey Kevin so my question is you say no contact "however if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don't want them to contact you for a short period of time...." What about if it's not a "No “accidentally” bumping into them" meaning what if they come knocking at your door uninvited, do you answer and "let them know that you don't want them to contact....? Or just don't answer it?
Well, if they are not being stalky and/or dangerous, then you can treat them as a guest and then politely tell them that you need some space and time and you'd appreciate it if they leave. If however, you feel they are a danger to you and are just being creepy, then it's best to not answer or maybe even call the cops.
Hi Kevin,
I very much enjoyed / appreciated your article. I also purchased Ryan's Relationship Rewind which helped me a lot. I'm on no contact period for about 16 days. My boyfriend and I met online, we dated about a year. I do believe we were in love, but things just didn't work with him being so stressed/depressed all the time. He was the one who wanted to end the relationship...
I already wrote a letter I was going to send him at the end of relationship, it was just what you suggested. I was going to tell him how much I'm looking forward to the future after graduation and a new chapter of life. I also told him I understand what he had to go through, and stress of a serious relationship. I truly appreciated the time to look back and have some self-reflection. Then, I told him that I loved him as a person and as my best friend, and nothing will change.
I felt a lot better after I wrote that letter. But then today, I found out that He is back on that dating website that we met.. He is looking for someone already!!! I'm disappointed and very upset that he didn't even wait at least a month.
I went on a date with this guy, but didn't feel right. I didn't want any rebound relationship... But he already moved on?
That letter I was going to send him was very genuine, not desperate or crazy. I have some stuff that I need to get from his house as well... But I don't know if I should shorten or extend my no-contact period.
He is definitely lonely and I believe he needs someone to be with. .. surely not me :( What's your suggestion? Should I send him that letter and then choose to move on or try to work it out NOW? or should I still wait another 2 weeks?
Thanks!
Him being back on the dating site doesn't really mean anything. For all we know, it might have been an attempt to get a reaction out of you. OR perhaps, he found out you went on a date and he is back on the dating site out of spite. I think you should send the letter and then wait another 2 weeks before contacting him again. However, be careful because there is a good chance that he will contact you after receiving the letter. IF you can't handle communication with him right now without getting emotional, then you should wait another 2 weeks.
Ok, so I've done the 30 days NC. I sent a "first contact" message, replied back & I ended the convo first. I waited two days and texted him a "remember" text. He replied & I replied back ready to end the convo first again after he replied again. It's been a hour & he hasn't replied back. What do I do? I feel like he's always going to reply back only once. How do I control the convo if he doesn't follow the game plan! Lol Also when can I ask him out bowling?
hello, ive posted on this site too, just below you but no reply as yet , hows it going with your ex ? i was thinking of writing a letter too , just so confused , hope you feel better than i do ?
That's OK. Wait another couple of days and text him again. Ask him out after a week or two of texting.
Hi ,
My boyfriend broke up with me , and I feel just as you explained. We were always fighting but we would eventually talked things out and get back together, however this last time he said he didn't feel the same way and said to me crying "I don't think we're meant to be" my heart sank and I stayed in shock for awhile and I began to cry and I did one of the mistakes which was to beg him not leave me . Your right, that wouldn't change his mind, so he eventually left and I began to have suicidal thoughts, and told my mother to pick me up from college because I wasn't feeling well. I was glad she did because I had someone to talk to and let my emotions show. Now I'm only thinking if he's missing me too? Is he actually better without me ? If I apply the no contact rule will he forget about me? It's been 2 days now that we haven't talked to each other and we don't have each other in any social network , we erased every picture of us together. Is there still hope that we will eventually end up together again ?
Yes, there is hope Stephany and I can't almost guarantee you that he is thinking about you right now. You need to apply no contact and make some positive changes in your life during that time.
Hey Kevin, my ex was under a lot of stress the last months and broke up with me. She told me it was because she had no more feelings for me but i wanted to know if it could have been because of the stress that she lost her feelings completely and became so cold to me.
Other thing is that she told me not to contact her so she will think that i'm not contacting her because she told me. Will it be effective anyway the NC rule? Thanks, great article!
Yeah, it will still be effective. And it's entirely possible that she felt like she lost her feeling because of the stress.
Hello, i split from my ex g in august 2013 , i ended it with her , anyway she came round to see me the next day but i wasnt emotionally there and said some nasty words. Went to see her a few days later and she was a mess and so was i but she told me that she wasnt in love anymore something had snapped inside her. I did all the begging stuff for a month or so and eventually gave up. A month later she called and asked if i had moved on ? i went to see her and we spent some time together again, time around her place and meeting up for a coffee now and then but only talking as friends. I eventually said i couldnt do friends as i will always be in love with her , we havnt had any contact with each other now since dec 13 2013 , just over 2 months , i had to back off as it wasnt good for me as a person , wanted to get my life and mind straight , i lived with her and her 2 children and spent 2 years in which we were so in love , spent a week on holiday together too just before we split up which was fantastic, im 46 and she is 36 , my question is , i dont want to break no contact because im not mentally there yet but i miss her and her children so much , not a second goes by without them in my thoughts, should i say hello or just see if time will bring us back together ? we live 20 miles apart so there is no chance of ever bumping into her , thankyou for your time
Hey dan,
If you want to make things work out between you two, then it's not a bad idea to break no contact. Especially if it's already been 2 months. However, if you feel you are not mentally there yet you can wait for another month or two.
Hey Kevin - stumbled across this and like most people would like some advice!
I've made the classic mistakes after my boyfriend of many years finished with me nearly 2 weeks ago. Main reasons followed from the mother of all arguments and hew has security issues and no doubt my foul mouth knocked his confidence!
Since then I did the whole bunny boiler thing bombarding him with messages and texts until I would just tire. He replied to about 3 messages out of the hundreds and just reiterated he didn't want to be with me. He refuses to see me or face me in any way and refuses to say he doesn't love me.
Funnily my bff advised me I should lock off and today is day 2 of no contact. On reading your advice I hope I am strong enough to continue. I believe he refuses to face me cos he does still love me... unless I'm kidding myself.
The last few weeks have been torture but I am embarrassed at how I handled it. 30 days and then if I haven't heard form him...?
Contact him if after 30 days. Send him the letter mentioned in the article.
Hi Kevin, I finally spoke to him again after the NC period and at first it was fine until he started asking me about the house we bought before we broke up and later I mentioned to just set it aside first. He asked me if I have completely moved on and I didn't wanna sound needy or anything so I tried to keep it light-hearted by saying "Haha can't be an emo chick all day right.. XD" and I think he got angry because he thinks I'm sarcastic. He didn't reply and when I realized 2 hours later that I think he misunderstood my tone and I sent another message saying "in case you think I'm sarcastic, by no means do I intended that k? In case you misunderstood. :)" And he didn't reply even though he read the message. :(
Did I just broke my chance again? What should I do?
You shouldn't have messaged him again when he didn't reply back. But it's OK. I think you should wait another week or two and then message him again.
He replied me 1 hour later saying that he didn't misunderstand and told me not to worry. He then said good luck carrying on with our lives, I'll always be his friend.
My heart sank.
I told him the breakup was definitely for the better because it made me refocus on myself and my goals in life. I know that there were problems in the rs but I felt these are things that can be resolved and accept. It's really rare to find someone who shares and complements the same life goals and I find that we have a real connection which is not something guaranteed even with the next person in our lives. (I don't mean to chase him or anything here, just trying to make him think it's a loss)
And somehow I knew he would say "But it really doesn't feel the same way anymore." And he added hope you understand and move on. You are a very nice girl and I'm sure someone nicer would come along.
I tried to reframe it as though it was my idea to break up so I said like I can agree feelings aren't the same and that I can agree on being friends. But I feel many people said that way but are not able to do so. But I have a feeling we are different because personally I'm glad we are able to see at this point that we are not working out but it doesn't change the fact that I have an awesome time when we are hanging out... and I would hate for that to end. So is he sure if he's okay with just being friends.
And he replied he's super okay with being friends because hanging out with our mutual friends is really fun. He's just afraid that I can't move on, if I can, it's awesome.
My heart sank again.
But on second thoughts, I was glad that I'm able to establish the "false friendship" without him feeling awkward about our future hangouts (hopefully). Now I'm just thinking how can I keep in touch with him regularly without him thinking I still have feelings for him. I really would want to become one of the couples who kept in touch even after they broke up and eventually still got back together because they realized each other are meant to be. I don't wish to make any wrong step in trying to build the bridge yet if I try too hard to be careful, I may end up screwing things because it's not natural.
Good work establishing the "false friendship". I hope things work out for you. Try making some changes in your life that will hopefully make him attracted to you again.
Hey Kevin! fast briefing, my relation has been so different, only an intense two months after another two of only friends. But it was really really like a fucking film.
Well my question is what do you do when you start the contact zero , and after a few days she starts messaging you??
PD: Your work is amazing!
If you can ignore the message, you ignore it. If she keeps messaging you, you tell her that you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if she gives it to you.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend I have broken up for only two weeks now. My situation is different as i still live with him. We have lived together our entire 1 year relationship, I can't afford to move out until a few months away however I really want to work things out and win him back before I leave. If not maintain some type of relationship with him. He was my best friend before we got together and I don't want to lose him all together. He broke it off because he said things have changed and his feeling unhappy doesn't know why but feels his better off alone. He wants to club and party and be social and flirt with other girls. He feels trapped and wants to be carefree. Everyone who knows him thinks he is trying to relive his youth and refuses to grow up as he is 27 years old. We are civil and friendly when we are home together and occasionally laugh and joke. We never bring up the relationship or talk about it. He still has me as friend on facebook and still has all our pictures. I have been told by friends that he wants to space to heal so I have stayed at a friends place for a week. I have not contacted him and I haven't begged him or plead to get back together even after we broke up. I haven't contacted him since I have been at my friends house. I do love him and want to win him back but I also think he has feelings for another girl as she is young and bubbly and always partying and going out. He is always in contact with her and tells everyone she is just a friend they have been for years now. She says the same thing, his my best friend... even if this is true, all my friends think he likes her more because she makes him feel young. What do I do? How do I save my relationship? How do I win him back? when we live together...
Apply limited contact. Only talk about things related to the house. And move out as soon as possible. I know you want to win him back before you move out, but impatience is only going to make you look needy.
Hi Keven,
Thank you for your advice. I only have the option of moving out in 5-6 months. Until then I am not sure what to do... I have read all these articles and I have been doing exactly that. I have stopped texting or face booking him unless its serious or really important. At home Im friendly and civil and always have a smile on my face. I do my own thing and hang out with friends and keep myself busy. I have learnt that I can be happy without him. My self esteem has improved by going to the gym and eating right as well as got a new look. I just found out recently that his been asking about what I have been doing and what my plans are by asking mutual friends. He watches me move around the house and always asks when i'm coming back and who I'm going out with. I always reply with friends and i'm not sure maybe tonight or tomorrow. His hot and cold but always starts the first conversation. What does this mean? am I doing the right thing? Is there more that I can do?
You are doing great. Continue doing what you've been doing. If he doesn't make a move in the next two months, then you can ask him to go for a coffee.
Kevin,
I came across your website searching for some solace. I'm in some, well thats a lie, I'm in a huge pit of depression. I read your article and what you have there makes sense, I just feel like I'm going to have a hard time applying it. I really hope your respond to this so here it goes...
My Ex and I were in a relationship for 2 years. I am 29 and he is 25 years old. We would fight here and there about normal things couples fight about, but it started getting more intense around my birthday in November. He would leave and go to his moms for a few days to cool off and he would always come back. Our biggest problems were usually centered around me. I would come home from work and sit down and usually play a video game to unwind. Sometimes, well most of the time I would spend too much time with that and with my friends then I did with him. I made plans with people but never with him. Another reason is that he just started school and has 2 jobs. He is afraid that we wont have any time together. He moved out of my house shortly after but we decided to stay together and live separately. I seemed like everything was ok for the week. We both told each other we had high hopes and everything was going to be ok. I had plans on the weekend with some friends and then a birthday party we were both supposed to go to. He texted me Friday night and I was pretty hammered and I didn't notice it and didn't respond til later. He said it doesn't matter anymore and that I obviously don't care about him. So he broke up with me over text messages. I did ok for a few days because I was angry he didn't have the respect for me to do it in person. But then the fear set in. Ive been so depressed I haven't eaten much or slept much in 2 weeks. He texted back and forth during this time and most of it was negative. He said, stop trying, its never going to work, we aren't getting back together. We broke up once before for about 2 weeks last time but we got back together stronger than ever. But I screwed up again and fell into my usual routine. The main issue was he didn't think I cared for him, and now I really see that it didn't seem like it.
Here comes the confusing part I need help with. On Valentines day, well the day before, I decided to get him stuff because he deserved to be spoiled by someone and if no one did I would feel horrible. So I dropped off a dozen roses, and single 5ft tall rose, chocolates and a bottle of wine that we really liked when we went downtown, I never got it because I never really thought of it until now. When he got them on Friday he was surprised, but not quite happy. He was kind uncomfortable that I involved his work in that. So he called me and asked "Why did you do that?" We had a small covorsation and I asked if it was ok if I showed up at his work to say hi. He said "Do what you want to." So...lol...I did. We exchanged words on a cigarette break and they were more of the same. I broke up with you for this reason, we aren't getting back together, thank you for the flowers and everything, I really do love them and appreciate them. He said he was going out with friends that night, I was doing the same and we happened to come across each other at the same bar....naturally he thought I was stalking him and go really mad. As time went by I bought him a shot and we ended up going to another place all together. He got really drunk there and asked if he could stay on my couch so he didn't have to drive home. We left and I called him to see where he was at and he ended up driving home. We got into a huge fight and his phone died. We ended the conversation via text and he said how much he loves me and how much its hurts to stand his ground but he doesn't want to go through this again. I ended it with I will stand by your decision and that I loved him and goodbye, be good.
Que the confusing part....The next morning he texted me at 8 am saying wake up. I texted whats up and he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast because he called in sick to work. So we did, had a good time, didn't talk about the situation we were in very much and just enjoyed each others presence. We spent the day window shopping and whatnot. We returned a rental car he had to get because his car was in the shop and my dumb ass left my car keys and coat in the car and didn't realize it until the place was closed for the weekend. So he was gracious enough to drive me home and leave my car at his house. He wasn't mad at all, in fact I was aggravated at myself for my slip up but he didn't seem to mind. He dropped me off and said goodbye and then texted me about an hour later asking if I wanted to go with him tomorrow to the doctor. I said sure and he picked me up and we went. After that we went to the, well we tried to go to the car show and we never made it. We ended up going to a really swanky bar and playing pool and talking with the locals. We had a ton of fun, I cant remember having so much fun with him, and then we went out to eat. He bought dinner at a really expensive place and we spent the night drinking wine and talking about us. We went over how much we love with each other and how much it pains us not to be able to talk and text and hang out like we normally do. We went home after that on the train and went back to his house. I spent the night...you know what happens after that and woke up and went to go to lunch and get my car keys. When I left his house he went to go inside and he turned and gave me a kiss and said "We will talk about whats going on with us later tonight." When we did talk he said "I don't think its a good idea to do this again. I really don't think we will ever get back together, you know how much I love you and care about you but i just cant do that to myself again. But Ill keep an open mind and we will just take this day by day." I asked if he was scared and he said "Yeah, I dont want to go through that again." When I asked if it was possible to get back together he said "I guess its possible but not probable." We talked very little since yesterday, texts here and there seeing what we are up to for this week. I'm going out of my mind, the only thing that brings me relief is his voice and, well just his presence. Please help me try to sort this out, because anyone that I've talked to was like...."that makes no sense after the weekend you had."
Thank you!
Joe
Hey Joe,
Well, he's scared. And his fear is genuine. You spend time with him only after the breakup. He is afraid if you two got back together, things will go back to the same way. But with time, his fear will subside. I'll not recommend no contact for you. But at least for a week or two, let him initiate contact. Stay in touch with him, and have fun with him. But don't push him to get back together. Let it be his decision. He might need some reassuring that things will be different this time, but I have a feeling he'll eventually want to get back together.
Thank you so much. You seem to be a relationship genius so I will go by your advice. Once again, thank you, I think I can work with that =)
All the best Joe. Also, try making some positive changes in your life. It's a great way to show that you are actually capable of changing instead of just telling him that you will change. Actions speak much louder than words.
Kevin
I am glad I stumbled upon your website. I would appreciate your advice!
My boyfriend and I (both in our mid-twenties) have been together for 4 years, engaged for 2 months and we have a 2 year old.
We had a fight and broke up 6 months ago.
We had broken up a few times before (it would last a few days…a few weeks at the most)
Commitment seemed to be an issue and I believe after he proposed he got scared.
2 months ago I started no contact. He was hurt and angry that I was ignoring him. (I would only respond to every 3 or 4 texts or calls and only if it pertained to our son). Within 1.5 weeks he invited me to dinner and for the first time since our split, professed his love for me. He wanted to know if I loved and missed him and if I had been seeing anyone. I reassured him. A few days later he panicked at the prospect of reconciling and didn’t think it was a good idea. Naturally, I was disappointed but rather than hear him out, I asked him to leave. I began the no contact again.
2 weeks later he came over to say that he wants to get back together. Tells me he loves me is not attracted to anyone else (tells me I am the prettiest girl and that our sex life was unbelievable) and that he has not been able to move on. I tell him that I don’t want to reconcile! He leaves upset. I love him and miss him terribly. I was just scared that he would change his mind once again and hurt me. It’s been 2 weeks. We are civil to one another but he hasn’t initiated any heart to heart conversations since. On Valentine’s day he texted “Happy Valentine’s Day”.
Is it possible that he misses me during no contact, but once he has me, he doesn’t want me? If so, how do I get him to commit?
Do I start no contact again? If you were me, what would you do differently this time?
Kat
Let him know before getting back that you want a commitment and he should only get back together if he is absolutely 100% sure he wants to commit. Let him know that if he is not 100% sure, you should move on and cut him from your life completely.
Hi Kevin,
My issues feels quite daft but I need some advice anyway. Great article, enjoyed the read. I'm in a predicament, just broke up with a girl I was with 4 month.. For three month pure bliss, both of us happy, then all of a sudden problems, she isn't sure how she feels or isn't sure she's over ex (guy she split with a year ago), and it's all up in the air for a month. We try to slow it down.. It just got out of hand. I finally kicked out in frustration and confusion last week we had a big row. Now it's over, it was pretty stale at that point despite us both saying how disappointed we were at how it worked out. Since have apologised and she knows me she knows I do no contact to heal from a break up. I have before, it didn't get my previous ex back but it helped me heal loads. Anyway... I'm on that now, she's tried to talk told me she's worried about me. I gave a basic reply wishing her well and I intend to say happy birthday next week then leave it for a longer period. I can do it I believe in myself but I am sad about the situation as it seemed we had so much promise and feelings were just starting to develop. She feels she smothered me and she says she's not like that as a person and she wants to be alone. I have to give her space, she's reached out once to me and as I've said basic reply end of conversation. I want this girl in my life, I was beginning to fall and then boom it fell apart. I'm not sure how long to give this no contact this time.. I'm not really sure what to do, or if I have a chance. I know she cares and I know she likes me but it ended how it did because she led me on for a month when she feels she needs to be alone. I respect that I just wish she had been honest... In self analysis and what not I am at the wanting her back stage but I do feel that I would genuinely like her in my life with me as the start of this was wonderful and simple.
Any advice appreciated, friends say just give yourself and her time now. Im not going to get an apology for anything but I can let go of that I just want to reconcile and progress with her.
Thanks hope you're well
Nico
Thanks for your comment Nico. I know it sucks when you have so much expectations from a relationship and it ends abruptly. But if she ended it, then the expectations you had were just in your mind and not hers. Anyways, continue with no contact and I hope everything will start to make more sense in time.
Thanks for the reply!
Sadly the expectations came from her, "our year", we will be great.etc. All her words. She was (seemed convincingly) genuinely excited until something changed it. My thoughts were scared her - got too close - that might be crap though. Something about her ex wanting to commit suicide, I wasn't fully informed but understandably that hit her, she told me she was depressed.etc also said I'd be the perfect boyfriend but after a month of indifference and weird behaviour I've adopted no contact to give her what she wants - time alone. It ultimately allows me to focus on me again and let go of the confusion. But I really do want her back, there was something good, she acknowledged that. It's been disappointing for us both. I hope no contact works. Not optimistic but what else can I do? She knows how I feel and she likes me... It's just the timing I don't know. Last words from me said we can't date again, said in haste/anger/no idea just going to leave it until I feel ready to go for it. In the mean time I'm working on me again, this is my second no contact party and it really helps the healing.
I just hope it works here, I am sad right now. Thanks again.
Oh and it wasn't her ending it, it was her bringing about this mess, I ended it we tried again and she just wasn't/isn't ready. Right now it ended after an argument we both said harsh things which is why no contact can also allow the dust to settle and negativity to disappear. It's a strange one, we got on like a house on fire until miscommunication really did us.
All the best.
Hi Kevin!
I agreed to his decision last Saturday about breaking up.. he had a little hesitation but we both know that we both need time apart to grow individually. We broke up nicely and light. We even both said that we know we’d end up together but now’s not the time to be together since we have a lot to learn ourselves. We said that we’d still be friends and would eventually meet up again sometime..but ofcourse, we can’t talk and text and see eah other more often.
My issue here is that I still want to get him back as soon as possible. I have accidentally told him that I will always be here waiting for him to get ready. I know that’s a bad move!!
We are very okay but I’m still scared of the possibility of losing him. I texted him yesterday and we even exchanged I love you’s. He said he loved me but he really needs some time for himself and to experience the world on his own.
Right now, I have decided to not text him again and let him be the first to text me. Can you please tell me if the No contact rule would still apply in our case since we broke up nicely and maturely(for us). We didn’t broke up wih sad hearts.. but we misa each other.. please tell me what to do.. do i have to stay by his side or still apply he no contact rule? What should I do other than that?
Thankyou!
Yes, No contact still applies in your case. After no contact, contact him using one of the methods in the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I've been into no contact rule untill my ex contact me.I think it enough time to heal the pain.
He said he miss me so much and he loves me..
During the first time I meet him I make myself look beautiful and happy. He keep staring at me and hold my hands..
On the 2nd time he can't help but keep staring at me again.even when I eat..I just smile..
But on that day I found out he has a rebound relationship.I accidently saw his phone when the girl call her.
They are just one month from their relationship. I told him that I know that he had a new gf and he denied it.
But later he admit and told me I never cheat u when we were together.I answer him.I know that.
So I told him.don't worry about that.I am happy for you..
And he keep changing the topic..
My problem is what should I do?should I wait untill they break up.or I 'll let him choose?
Or should I go back to no contact?
On the first time I meet him after the no contact..we meet in front of his working place.to the fact his new gf might see us ..he showed me affection.
Please tell me what to do.I am sure I want him back.
because the two of us are foreigners working in another country.
He said he is going back to his country for good.
And I told him how about your gf it's Okey with her?he said all of my co workers they know that I am leaving..and maybe not coming back.
Hey Kevin, My girlfriend and I have been together sense October 2012... 2 days a go she ended it.. I love her to death and I want to get her back.. but today she seemed so happy without me, Do I try and get back with her? Or do I just back off knowing she's happy?
Dear Kevin,
first of all many thanks for these great articles!
I would also love to ask for an advice.
My boyfriend and I were together for a year, but for a long time I was unsure if I wanted to be with him because I didn't want to be in any relationship at all but he kept fighting for me. So it had been on and off and I still cannot believe how much he fought for me. We had arguments though and we broke up twice before the last time but he always came back, saying he couldn't leave me. I think I criticized him too much. But he messaged me often, saying how much I meant for him, his messages and his behaviour generally were just like from a fairytale. He never did anything wrong to me. And when I thought our bond was getting stronger, he suddenly broke up with me. When I asked him why, he said that ''he didn't know, that he felt like we argued too much, we didn't have that connection anymore and that we didn't have much in common. That his feelings had changed''. I was in shock! I agreed we argued but we have so much in common and we do have a connection like no couple I know. At least I think I would have noticed if something had changed. Just 3 weeks before our last, serious breaking up he had sent me a message saying that I was his everything. I know he was always honest. He is studying in a different town and I think it's mainly because of the pressure he felt; too much work, travelling to see me, and me criticizing... that didn't help... It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and I first was desperate, very hurt, making mistakes, saying how he could do that to me. I didn't contact him, he did, after 2 weeks asking how I was. I still talked about our breaking up, being hurt. But then I left it, saying that at the time I didn't wanna think about it as we talked about our breaking up.. I didn't wanna be whining.. I had to ask him about money matters so I had to message him today and was careful not to tell him I missed him or anything but I was very tempted. I thought I needed to give him time to miss me and then I read your articles and saw that it was the right thing to do. I was also talking about my work and was quite happy, only thing that I did was that I mentioned that everything falls apart for me now. But then changed the subject and was positive. Again, I didn't wanna be whining and be annoying with my broken heart. He said that just because we aren't together doesn't mean he doesn't care about me anymore.
I do want him back, just as much as he wanted to be with me first.
I plan not to be in contact with him but I cannot ignore his messages when he massages me... But I am not gonna message him myself.
Any advice for me when I am trying to get him back and he is away, studying in a different town and I cannot see him easily? (I mean after no contact period, I plan to follow your steps)
Thank you loads!
Just contact him using text messages and stay in touch (after no contact of course). Later on, when he visits your town or you visit his, you can arrange a meetup. The most important thing for you to do is make a lot of positive changes in your life during this time. It's going to increase your chances tremendously.
Hi Kevin. I have a question for you. She and I have been friends for a while. She ended the relationship by saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship till she's older and she just wants to get back to being only friends. We talked all day for a year even though our relationship was only 2 months long. I really like the idea of the No Contact thing, but what if she starts to think I hate her and I don't even want to be friends with her anymore. What can I do in this situation? Thanks :)
Tell her that you need some space and time. It doesn't mean that you hate her and that you'll contact her after some time.
Hello Kevin,
I really appreciate what you do in order to help all of us, that's great and shows that u re a hell of a man. When i finally discovered your site after days of searching and searching about heartbreaking i feel like I AM SAVED!!! Now i haven't read all of your advises yet but i am willing to read them all again and again so i can apply them perfectly cause SHE really worths it. I hope you read all of my story cause i m going to talk to you open. The reason? I got nobody else to talk to. I ll sit down and write to YOU because I believe that you can help me. I would appreciate if you told me your opinion about my situation and if there is indeed any hope to get her back after what has happened. So get ready, here i start.
I am 22 and she is 17. She is still going to high school at the final class and it's the year where she s studying more than ever for her panhellenic exams which will determine if she ll pass to some kind of college (u know). We knew right from the beginning it would be difficult to see each other a lot but i was so determined this thing will last that i told her, no, I promised her that i will not give up on her neither anything else! Btw i have to menshion something also important. During this exam period her parents didn't want to have any kind of relationships, u know no boys sweetheart as they said. And we were only seeing each other weekends and only for 3-4 hours the most! Oh and don't forgot to mention that every time we were together she was always receiving calls especially from her dad to check her and see where she is. In other words that F phone of hers was ringing all the time and her parents never let her in peace. But we could handle it and tolerate it and it was ok. We were really happy and in love with each other for real! And every day that was passing this "feeling" was growing and growing even more!
And now after 3 months THIS happened. I also have to tell u that except all this pressure she already had from her routine and lessons she faced another pressure inside the house. Her parents and her little sister (she is 15) tend to argue a lot of times and that always ended up with her locked in her room, turning really upset and ungry and almost every time crying. I was always there for her to listen to what she had to say and calm her down, but during this state of panic she was, she was throwing really mean and ugly words and saying nasty things i know she didn't mean. That has happened a number of times and the only thing i wished the most, was to finally end the school pass her exams successfully, so that first of all finally relax from this pressure and then stop hiding from her parents and generally have a "hidden" relationship.
Now, one day she suffered another argument this time from her sister. She was completely out of her mind really really really upset and we talked about what happened from facebook chat. But man, that day she was so pissed of and was saying again so harmful things, but this time for me too. I knew she didn't mean them of course. She was saying "why i was born, why do i have to suffer, damn u all, i wanna die" and stuff like that (things she was saying every time her parents and her sister were driving her mad). She cursed people and generally was completely out of line. I couldn't see her suffer like that man, i felt really awful and useless that i couldn't do anything from where i was. Meanwhile i told her exactly this but in the form of question: "Honey what do u want me to do, tell you to go and kill yourself or smoke some weed to end it?" And guess what happened: inside her panic she understood that i told her to go do all that the positive way!!! I told her immediatelly "honey noooo!! i didn't tell it that way!!! How is it possible to want something like that for you?!?!!" She responded "I don't know". And from that day on she s really hurt from that and she can't forget it or understand i didn't tell it the positive way. But we didn't end there. No.
4 days after that we were talking from facebook again and we were cool. I don't know what happened to me at that moment but suddenly out of nowhere i got desperate and i told her this. "My love you are my life. I don't know what i would do without you. Please don't ever leave me. I don't want you to get bored with me". And stuff like that. She said "Baby chill, u know i m not gonna leave you. What's the matter with you now?? Stop wining like a bitch and just relax!" I said "ok i m sorry you re right. I don't know why i behaved like this and i won't do it again. Disappointing you and hurting you is not even the last thing i wanna do to you." She: "Stop saying sorry. Prove it with actions!" I told her of course baby, that's exactly what i m gonna do from now on.
And finally the kicker which led to the breakup. 2 days after that, in fact 2 saturdays ago my girl had to go to some sort of party at a house. But she would go along with her parents and obviously i couldn't come. Also she would go with her best friend and his parents too. And here i have to tell u that the brother of her best friend was her ex. He would be there too. She told me i knew it and i had no problem with that. I said this: "Honey, i m not going to disturb you at all tonight. Only when you text me. Just go and have fun!" She said "ok i will."
I kept my word and didn't send anything. At 2 in the evening she text me and said "Honey we are at a club". With her best friend and her ex. I didn't know they would go at a club later on. I texted "ok honey just watch out and don't drink too much cause he might do anything to you" (the ex). She replied "come on now, nothing is gonna happen stop". I said "ok honey, u know i trust you. I m just saying. Are u having fun there?" After sometime has passed she replied "everything is perfect and i like it here". I asked her "Wouldn't you like me to be there with you?" And after that i swear i would go to sleep. She said this: "EVERYTHING IS SO PERFECT HERE. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT YOU TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. I AM HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME." I said "Baby what do u mean you don't know?" After a while she replies "EVERYTHING IS SO BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!!" Suddenly a felt my stomach burning and twisting. I couldn't sleep after that, i was worried. A LOT. I said "Honey what's wrong are you ok??!" And after that the only things she continued texting was how beautiful was there, that she was dancing with everyone including her ex and she never wanted to leave that place. And at some point she started to talked to me like i was her worst enemy! She said stuff like "You don't love me! You don't like that i am having fun without you! You hate me so I hate you too!! And you re a bastard!!" Words that hurt me and stabbed me in the heart. Man i was a hell of a mess. I couldn't sleep anymore.
Next day... i just waited for her to wake up in order to talk about that night. When i texted her to see if she s ok, she was answering after a long time has passed and she was texting me "druged" answers. Obviously she had still the effects from last night. Around 12 midnight she texted me finally, and told me to log in to facebook. And we talked from there.
Baby what happened?? Are you ok? I asked again and again. She wasn't ok at all and i could sense that. We start talking but it was like i was talking to another person, not the person i knew.. She was "cold" towards me like she was the day before, and suddenly words like HONEY and LOVE stopped to exist. My stomach upset was getting even worse by the moment. She started remembering things and told me everything that happened! I couldn't believe what i was hearing man. She remembered taking some sort of "pill" I don't know if it was ecstasy. She told me she was dancing with everybody and also did some twerking at the dj. But here comes the worst of them all. Her ex gave her some coke AND SHE TOOK IT!!!!!! We started arguing really hard about that and exchanged really nasty words, mostly her. That conversation unfortunately ended like this: She said and i quote "I did it because i chose to do it. It's not "HIS" fault. I realised that i don't need you in my life in order to be happy!! You don't like it when im having fun without you!! And I am tired of you wining all the time!! You forced my love for you to disappear!! It s over John!!!"
At that moment of course I broke in half and told her "Come on baby, u can't mean that. You are not thinking clean!" She said "NOW i am thinking more clean than ever!" I said "please baby think it again. After you finish and pass the exams everything will become a lot easier. Just a little more patience and i will be here for you till the end."
She flad out said "Stop. And there won't be moving forward anymore for us. Deal with it!!"
Man i feel like trash, like nobody. I ve never experienced such a pain before. I still love her and i don't want anything bad to happen to her. I always wanted her to be happy and not only when she was with me. All i think of is her and what she is doing. I want her back. Now i have already start the no contact and i plan not to talk to her until she finishes with all that exams she has. These will finish about 3 months from now. 3 months no contact, what do you think? Is there any hope in the world to get her back after all that things that have happened?? Every help you can give me is much appreciated...
Thank you!
Hey John,
Yes 3 months of no contact is a good idea. And yes, there is hope she'll come back to you. From what I read, she lost her attraction because of your needy behaviour and she decided to end it. Not to mentioned the fact that she is young and quite disturbed. I have a feeling the reason you feel like you love her so much because she gives the impression of a damsel in distress and you want to be her knight in shining armour who will save her from all the troubles in the world. Relationships like that are usually based on shaky grounds and crumble at the first sign of trouble.
I know you feel like you really love her, but I want you to give this some thought in the upcoming three months.
1. You are young and so is she. You both have a lot to experience in life. Don't you think it's better if you experience a couple of other relationships before getting back with her? If she's really the one for you, you will eventually get back together.
2. She quite possibly cheated on you that night with her ex. I know you might try to justify her actions by the fact that she was drugged. But the truth is, she did choose to be drugged. She did choose to go to a club with her ex. Right now, she is trying to justify her actions by saying you don't love her and she wants to break up. But if she really felt like this, she should've broken up with you before doing something like this. Don't you think?
3. She is going through a tough time in her life. But still she has called you names that was completely uncalled for. She has communication issues. And she has quite possibly cheated on you with her ex. So to sum it up, she is sort of abusive, bad at communication and possibly a liar and a cheater. Do you want spend your entire life with a person like this?
You think? Cause she told me that her ex had the chance to do something with her the entire night but he didn't do anything except kissing her on the cheek. And she didn't even gave me the chance to meet face to face and talk about it. She end it from facebook. She once had told me that nobody else treated her so good as i have. And it can't be real that i am so perfect for her. Now 2 days ago she posted a photo of hers on fb and comment above this photo "what would you do if u knew the truth". I don't know of course if this goes for me but i can't stop being at her page all day all night!! Don't forget that i also told her that question with "killing", doesn't matter if it wasn't my fault and that i didn't mean it, but it does matter that this thing made her feel like compeletely trash and really hurt her. And i will regret that for the rest of my life!!
Now she made some mistakes i made some mistakes damn, we all do mistakes! If we didn't we wouldn't be human. There is no perfect relatioship. They all have mistakes. And i believe that the ones they LOVE they forgive each other, they fight the pain or any other obstacle and keep moving on!!! I m just saying, that you never give up on the people you love... even if they do........
Hey John,
I agree, people make mistakes and learn from them. And yes, you should fight for love. And I hope that she comes back to you and realizes her mistakes and learn from them. But unless she does realize her mistake and accepts it was a mistake, she can't learn from it. Even if you do forgive her, she must realize her mistake and learn from it. If she doesn't, she'll repeat her behavior and you'll be the only one in this relationship who will be in pain.
Regardless, you need to apply no contact and give her some time to realize what happened.
Hey Kev!!
I got some news.. Not good. You were right. She texted me from facebook yesterday and told me that she did cheat on me that night. And she said she did it beacause it was my fault and was disappointed by me. She also told me that i m a whining bitch cause i spoke with a friend of hers which she also break up with her ex too, and i asked her that day (few hours before i break up with mine) if my ex was ok, if she had any news about her and if she got home safe that night. That s all i asked her. And she told my ex lies that i was whining at her about my break up. And finally she told me (my ex) that i should be ashamed of myself and stop behaving like this cause your only embarrassing yourself and nothing will change. And that I am a looser! I broke the no contact (couldn't do else) and replied her: First off all what forced you to talk to me? (she didn't answer). Then i told "even if you did cheat on me i don't care anymore and stop telling me bullshit that makes u thing you feel better about yourself." And finally i told that her friend was lying. "I was never whining at her and if you don't believe me go and check her facebook messages the day we talked and see it for yourself, if she hasn't already deleted them!" "And now leave me alone."
She didn't say anything about the things i told her, she was only saying that i am a looser, stop playing the tough guy, that her ex who cheated at me that night is far better man than me and stuff like that... I stopped and i didn't text anything else and i m planning not to, cause she still seems upset even if she doesn't admit it... What s your opinion on that man..what do u thing should i do?
Thanks again!
Hey John,
Sorry it happened. At this point, I'll recommend you start no contact for at least 60 days. And think about whether or not you want her in life. Like I said before, she can't learn from her mistakes unless she accepts it. And not only she is not accepting her mistake, she is blaming it on you and being disrespectful to you. Do you want to be with someone who treats you this way for the rest of your life. Would you cheat on her if you were disappointed in her? If you did ever cheat on her, will you abuse her after that and tell her it was her fault?
She has issues, and yes, she can work through her issues and possibly understand herself and become an understanding and responsible person. But you can not make her become that person. You might feel like you can be with her and support her with her emotional issues but you are only going to disrespect yourself by staying with her.
I don't think you should get back with her. But you are not going to listen to me, which is why I recommend you start no contact for at least 60 days. You should start dating after 30 days. If during that 60 days, she realizes that it was her mistake and wants you to give her another chance, then and only then you should consider getting back together. If after that time, her attitude is still the same, then I think you'd agree you should move on.
I agree with Kevin, are you sure you want to be with this girl? Looks like she'll be hurting you much more if you continue being with her, if she can't even control herself when she's feeling down, and hurts the one person that loves her and tries to make her happy, she going to end up hurting you much more. No offence, this girl has mental issues. I know I don't really have a say in this, but I couldn't help but say something. I recommend, not returning in the relationship with her, there will be better girls out there who will appreciate your comfort you give them, and not hurt you with words when their feeling upset. It also seems like it will turn out to be unhealthy relationship, since she doesn't have a good mental state and you for sure will end up being hurt from the looks of it. And about her being with her ex, she shouldn't have been with him in the first place, you should've went to find her the moment you heard she went to a club with him and if her parent/father is overprotective which it seems, why didn't they worry about her going to a club like that at 2 in the morning, that also questions me about her there, and wouldn't they notice how weird she acting when getting home.
Hi guys!!
Kev thanks! I know u re right. Maybe i shouldn't get back with her especially at this point. Only if she understands her mistakes too, and i see that she ll start talking to me normally and not offending me with her words i might consider ask her go out and talk about this and getting back together. Until this thing happens i m not going to do anything else. I m tired of being the only one trying, the only one who cares and tries to see things clear.
Hey T! I don't know if u re a dude or a girl (u seem more like a dude :p). I m ok with any advise. In fact i like hear other opinions too that's why i upload my comment here in the first place. I am really glad i saw your statement too! You are both right and i will stop abusing my own head and feelings by trying to make things right, and being the only one who tries. One more thing about her ex. Yes she didn't tell me that he would be there too and she didn't tell me they would go later on at a club, maybe she didn't know it or even she didn't expect it. Anyway, what i want to say is that i asked her that night at which club they went and she said that she can't remember cause she was kind of deezy. So i couldn't go and find them. Then I found a few days later at which club they were by myself but it was already too late. Just saying.
Thanks a lot!!
Hey John, your case was just like mine, remember it was happen on May, last year.
My girlfriend is 18 years old, and I'm 27. We've been together for almost 3 months. At first it is wonderful, until a night, she told me she go to a pub with friend, and I was like you, I let her go, and wish her to have a good night.
But then she call me in the 3 midnight, telling me she is so wonderful, and even lie to me that she arrived home.
The other days, on afternoon 12, her brother call me and ask what the hell I gave to my girlfriend, after a long conversation only I learned that my girlfriend take drugs, and just got back home on 11am. The whole conversation back on 3am was a lie!!! But I am too blind to see the truth, I trust her, she told me she was innocent, being trap. People put things into her drink. I keep convience myself there's nothing happen on that night, she was just innocent. She promise me she will stay away from drugs.
But things get worst, she going to philippines for travel(alone), I found that she keeps photos hugging with a strange person. We've argue this for couple times, but she got tons of excuses. She always go out with new friends on internet, all of them are male, and dating with these new friend. But she spend like almost 5 hours with those so called friend. She back home on 3am. We ofcourse argue for that. And she suddenly seems short of cash, find herself a partime job. Since then she request me for more privacy, she lock up her phone, change her fb password, has a cough that never cure, and even change her sleep time. We always argue for I feeling insecure, whenever I call her, she say she is in home, but she lie to me.
Her attention is drifting away from me. As we meet once every week, she's busying texting with another guy. And she even told me she was busy on the valentine day, but she actually reserve it for another guy. I decide to tailgating her on valentine's night, and catch her on the spot, she is with another man, kissing, hug with him. I was so mad and slap in her face. We're officially broke up.
But the day after, her friend told me my ex was actually taking drugs for few months. This explain why she need a partime job all of sudden, she lie to me she's at home, and why she sleep all days. according to her friend, she even sleep with another man that take drugs with her. And guess what, she said it's my fault, to giving her too much pressure and she have to take drugs. My relationship has too much abusive. :(
I read through this site today, and I totally agree that we need times to reconsider on our ex. In my case, I ofcourse share the responsibility, I'm the one who always reserve excuses for her. Letting my ex hurt me again and again and again. This site has very strong idea how to get ex back, but I'll reserve this for my next ex, not the current one :)
I had a crush on my ex-girlfriend for 3 years n we were sort of like a friend (class mates). I was shy but she talked me into a relation n after a lot of courage I proposed, later we started dating n I had a relation for 4 1/2 year,a steady relationship. We used to talk on phone often but we used to meet once every month, even though I wanted to see her everyday. all the plans n time were done n given by her because her parents were strict n we used to go out secretly. On our relationship we used to have our argument but after 3 year it started deteriorating, but finally after 4 1/2 year we were talking normally on the phone n she wanted to break up n at that time I was emotionally wrecked so I felt like saying yes was the best even though I didn't wanted to nor did I know what the reason for breakup was. the next day I felt like I did something stupid but didn't had the courage to call her or keep in touch. so I just keep quiet blaming myself n thinking if she is happy then why am I interfering. It has been 2 years n within this time I tried to contact her but sometimes I used to get ignored n sometimes she would be so close, n within this 2 years I still haven't forgotten her I still feel the same way I used to do. she kept saying she had moved on wanted me to move on too but I haven't been able to. I used to ask her to get back but she kept declining n said that she didn't want a relation but recently she started dating this guys a month ago, when I found it I felt so shocked, so I gathered all my courage and I asked her, but then poured all my feeling about how I was feeling instead. I am feeling deeply mortified, do I have any chance of getting my ex back?
Hey,
Well, you have to start no contact again for at least one month. Since it's been 2 years, I can't say for sure if it's a rebound relationship. But your best bet is to follow the plan once and if it doesn't work, move on.
I have been in a long distance realtionship wid my girl friend for about 2 and half years now…we did meet many times in between but basically she got busy with work etc.I started feeling that we arent able to spend time as usual and started missing her we had fights about this.But one day she mentioned she feels like she is in a cage etc and wants to breakup.I tried convincing her and etc but nothing helped…i waited for a week but in the mean time .I tried contacting her frnds to persuade her but she dint like it.She was furious that I spoke to her friends about personal things. She blocked me every where and says she hates me to the core.I dont really know what to do .Her cousin just spoke to her and she said even if the worst happens I am not gonna be wid him and I dont want him.We loved each other so much and planned a family togther as well. I am not sure what do i do now. Just stop all contact for a month or so.Or is it not going to be any good?.I sent her a Valentines day wish by text and she reacted in a very violent way and wanted me to get lost.She blocked all the mutual friends.I surely feel that I would get her back and even my friends etc say the same.Please advise
Yeah, stop contact for a month. She's angry so she needs time to start feeling better.
She has been posting happy pics on her facebook and whatsap etc ...she isnt missing me after a 2 and half years of a realtionship? or is she trying to make me jealous?
Definitely trying to make you jealous.
She is no longer active on social media...got to know from her frnd that she is deeply hurt and angry that i involved more people in the relationship .Her frnd also told me she is so angry that if i present myself before her now she might even kill me ..She is also crying a lot over it. Am not sure what could i do? she is also not using her phone as well...as feeling sad that she is weeping coz of me ...please advise
Give her time. Let her go through her emotions and anger. Stop contacting her friends about her. Stop trying to figure out what's going on in her life. You are defeating the purpose of no contact. You need to stay away from her for one month and try to keep her out of your mind as much as possible.
Hello Kevin. I'm so fratello for your work! It's working out... when I thought that everything was lost. I'm ask ingresso for a tip though. It's the third week of the no contact rule and he sent me a message without any purpose... Just to provoke my reaction. How am i supposed to behave? Can I ignore his messages or should I answer politely? How do I make him call him instead of sending messages like if he's 13?
Hey,
Don't answer him yet. If he keeps on contacting you, tell him that you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while.
Hi kevin, I and my boyfriend broke up 2.5 months ago. We have been together for past 3 years and we have broken up couple of times before but we always made through it and came back as a couple. He was way too possessive. I've already apologised for my mistakes, pleaded, cried, begged, done almost everything to get him back but nothing actually works. We study in the same school, we are classmates, we belong to same group and we share same tutions. When I'm with him alone, he just can't resist himself, his eyes light up, his heart skips a beat and I feel the same old warmth. He says, he loves me but his concious is not allowing him to be with me. He intentionally does things to make me hate him. I've already told him that now I've given up on him, he texted but I did not reply. I'm on my no contact period, so I avoid making a eye contact with him but I often catch him looking at me. No idea what to do, please help.
Kevin...........your website is amazing. I have been in a relationship for twelve years, and cheated about 7 years ago, my partner has never forgiven me, and instead says we can never get back the trust and he stayed and tried. In the last 6 years he has constantly picked on this incident in every fight, and its been like punishment. he stopped taking me out, the affection and responsibility but expected everything to work because he says I don't understand my cheating has changed him as a person, and that's why he reacted the way he did in the last 6 years. we have been trying to end things for a while, recently he did, well its been two days, and in his text messages he says if he could try again he would but right now we need time to heal individually from the last couple years, and that I don't understand him. I felt like he did not respect me to become so nasty towards me almost like punishment, can you advise, what I can do in this situation.
Hey,
Your best bet is to give him some space and time. Apply no contact and build attraction. If he is hesitant to start the relationship because of the past, propose going to couples therapy or individual therapy.
dear kevin...................
thanks for the reply, I feel really horrible that I hurt him, why can he not get over this, it was not physically cheating just emotional. is he justified in hurting me and punishing me for the last 6 years. is it that I really don't understand?
No, he is absolutely not justified. He could've ended the relationship at that time. That would have been justified. But if he decided to make the relationship work despite your cheating, he had no right to hurt you and punish you for a mistake over and over again.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of two years and I went on a trip last valentine's day, but during the trip, he broke up with me and confessed that he met someone and would want to court her and told me that he wouldn't take no for an answer. I gave him his freedom because I don't want to trap him and blame me for the rest of his life. Half of my heart wants to move on, and the other half wants to fight and get him back. What should i do? Thank you.
Maggueritte
Apply no contact. Think hard during no contact if you want to be with someone who would bail on you so easily.
Hi Kevin ok... So I can't believe I'm doing this but u seem like you know what your talking about so here it goes... I dated my ex for 5 years we've been in love since I was 13 ... Recently almost 2 mths ago we got in a stupid stupid fight and the next day he wouldn't return my phone calls or texts and next thing I knew he was moving to live with his dad ...(he lived with his mom) ... There had been a lot of stress in his life and he wasn't happy where he was at in his life.. So anyways he drank and partied every night before he left and then he left ... Didn't come see me nothing... And I made all the common mistakes... Begging, pleading , crying , and millions of calls and text messages .... Anyways come that month and a half mark he contacted me (I've never done no contact) but he said "I really hate not having you" and I responded and turns out we still had feelings for eachother ... We facetimed one night and realized we were both still in love with eachother ... And things got heated :/ "sexually" and we agreed we were going to take a couple and then most likely get back together ... Well the next day I had saw he had commented on this girls photo but didn't see it was from a week prior and automatically jumped to conclusions... Because I felt he was playing me etc... Which it turned out nothing was going on and she had a bf... So I blew it ... Since then he drinks every night when he never did before and I guess got really drunk and if it's the truth slept with some girl he didn't really know ... Which really hurt :( ...And now I wish I could go back but ya ... So I always cave and text him because I'm afraid he won't ... And he'll forget about me .... And I asked him today is it really over and he's so short with me yes .. But he won't tell me he doesn't love me anymore etc... Am I in denial or is there a chance I can win him back ... I'm so in love with him and I'm going crazy without him and he seems like he's great and fine and doesn't care about me anymore :/... What do u suggest I do? Thank u in advance soo much!
Yes, you do have a chance to win him back. Start applying no contact.
Omg u replied! Your awesome thank you! He's still drinking and smoking and getting high and talking to all these girls ..... But I'm refusing to contact him before the 30 days and maybe even after... I asked him here a few days ago is it really over really time to move on? And he said yes it is ... And that he was over me ... So I said ok... When we were dating there was this guy I always blew off but would always fb message me "never have him my number" and my ex got mad and yelled at him and said leave my girl alone... Well the other day I guess he messaged him on fb and said "hey you and bre aren't dating that mean she free game? And he wrote back "learn how to spell" "I was just wondering if y'all's were still talking! "What there's no one else u could go after really!" ... But I found out about this conversation because he text me and said "tell your friends to leave me alone!!!" I said" leave me alone ... U don't reply to any of my messages and you say udc about me I didn't ask him to do it so deal with it.... " and he replied fuck you then! .... You are seriously a life saver I would love to hear your input on this? Is he just in denial and running from his feelings or what's going on? :/ he's so confusing...
Yeah, from that incident, it definitely seems like he still has feelings for you. Don't think too much about what is going on in his head. The simple answer is he's confused. Follow no contact for 30 days. It'll give both of you time to clear your head and realize what you really want.
Your awesome Kevin! :))) I was driving myself nuts and thought I screwed it up but I'll follow through then ! Thank u thank u!
All the best. :)
Hi Kevin,
So my ex and I have been broken up for a little over a month and that first week, I had texted him as a normal person would wanting to talk. So then I let it got for another week and said I felt bad for what happened and if we could maybe talk about things to get some insight on what went wrong because to be honest we never really fought or did anything malicious to each other. Maybe 2 weeks after that I texted him "miss you, hope you're okay" to no avail of course...so then I really initiated NC and it's been about 3 and a half weeks. Not responding to my texts at all is what has me scratching my head. At the time of the breakup, he was going thru a lot of busyness and stress (he wells at an airport) and so we had been seeing each other less than normal...but it wasn't THAT bad because I knew I'd eventually see him. But the fact that I expressed concern and said that his schedule not changing "might be a problem" bothered him I think. Do you think I still have a chance of getting back if he hasn't responded to any texts in the past month?
Yes I do think you have a chance. I'll also recommend you extend no contact to 45 days.
Hey kevin,
He broke up with me this january after a relation of one year,because our families would not accept our relation but along with that i think there are other reasons in his mind too which he wont disclose.
I pestered him to take me back..i did all the things you told not to do..it was like i was selling myself by telling him what all i "wish" /"can" do for him...
Then i came across your website..i really wanna thankyou..you're the best!!
I started with no contact on 9th feb and since 5 days he is messaging me on facebook telling me that he miss me,asking when will i come online..saying he misses me a lot..
Even liking my paintings on facebook.
Now i read his messages,mark them unread so that we cannot know that i read his messages,should i continue to mark his messages unread or i should ket the "seen" come below his messages?
Also after my no contact period how will i concant him..because he doesnt have a cell now..
PS:he doesnt check emails,sending a letter through post is not possible.
You can just send him a message on facebook. If he keeps on messaging you, just tell him that you need some space and time you'll appreciate it if he gives it to you.
Hi Kevin, there's been some progress.
So I found out she went and slept with (a fling) a random within 10 days of the breakup.
When I called her after that she got very emotional and cried, abused me, but also said she loved me.
I applied no-contact for a while and then sent the following message:
"It would have been nice to hear from you on my birthday, but I guess thats the way you felt and we both need space.
It's been a little while now. I'm sorry about the things I did before and after the split - I wasn't thinking straight and it was disrespectful to you.
And honestly, I now fully respect your decision to break up. I think it was the best thing to do at the time.
By the way, I managed to help dad close some pretty exciting development deals and could be buying my own house soon, I'd love to tell you all about it one day.
Anyway, hope you're doing well man."
She responded with:
"Hey, sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Like you said, I need space and thought you might as well so decided against it. But Happy Birthday for before, I hope you had a good one.
I’m glad you understand what happened, its good to hear you’ve gained a perspective on things.
I’m really happy for you, hope you’re feeling better and all is well."
Now the question is, we are still not communicating at all. She previously expressed her desire not to be contacted for a while. But it seems that since she replied, she might have had a change of heart.
Now, how long should I wait until I send the next message asking her to meet me in person? I have one prepared that I think will work.
Hey George,
Instead of asking her out immediately, I'd recommend you have a few light hearted text conversations with her. But if you think asking her out will work, then go for it. I think you should wait another couple of weeks before asking her out.
I messaged her a few days later bringing up an event that reminded me of a pleasant time we had with a cat. Chill, short and light hearted.
She replied with a playful thumbs up, and after another message said "well I'm glad it's safe and okay" (regarding the cat).
And, this is in contrast to her saying that she didn't want to hear from me for 6 months and never have anything to do with me again, only 3 weeks ago.
Do I stand a chance here? Good signs?
Yeah, it's a good sign. Contact her again after two weeks.
Hi Kevin, me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. We stayed in contact for about 2 months after that, but we had a fight and haven't been talking for about two months now. I messaged him a lot, and begged a lot, he finally replied and we had a conversation, and he seemed happy enough, but when i tried to text him casually (twice) he didn't reply. I've grown up a lot since then, and think i would be able to not contact him for a while, but is it too late? I love him a lot and want him back in my life. He said he loved me a lot too, but I dont know anymore if it was even legit. So can you please help me? Thank you. :)
I don't think it's too late. Start no contact. All the best.
Hey,
So my boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up right before Christmas (2 months ago). We live together and I am moving out as soon as I save the money (hopefully a couple weeks from now). Although not at first, I have tried to have as minimal contact with him as I can. Of course, we live together so we have to converse a little. We are staying on opposite ends of the house, so we really only have to share the common areas. After an argument a couple weeks ago, where he said there just is no future for us and I told him "if that's what you really want", we talked the next day and resolved to be friendly at home. In fact, I told him I love him as a person, as a friend, and nothing will change that. I know he cannot be committed right now- he suffered the unexpected loss of his twin about a year ago and has been struggling, going up and down, ever since- and I told him I understand that, but it doesn't change how I feel.
Since that "talk" he has been talkative and friendly with me, sharing his work and family stories. He keeps checking up on me to see how my workday was, where I'm going (if I'm getting ready to go out or something). He will even sometimes walk in to my bedroom to say hi, or good morning on the weekend, or good night.
I have been working on myself (dealing with his depression was weighing on me). I've been journaling, exercising, reaching out to friends, even got in to therapy to help deal with the loss of him and the issues he's going through. I initiated the break up, and my rationale tells me that we both still need time and space and to take it very slow, but I also know how much I love this guy. I can honestly see myself marrying him, despite our issues. Living together as "friends" shows me more so how I do care for him and I want him to be free to grieve his twin sister without the pressure of a serious relationship. I can also see how we enjoy each other's presence, even if we are just talking about work or whatever.
When we broke up, I told him I deserve better. I'm afraid that is all he thinks now- that he can't be enough for me. Is there anyway I can help show him how he really is a good man, even now that we aren't dating?
And after I move out, should I still initiate no contact? I have tried to do a modified no contact here and let him reach out to me if he feels he wants to- which I think he has started to. But once we do not live together anymore, should I really cut him off more? I plan to continue working on myself no matter the outcome.
Hey,
You have a really mature attitude towards your breakup. I commend you for that. As for showing him he is a good man, I think you already told him that when you said you'd love him as a friend and as a person. Trying too hard to make him feel better about himself will only make you look needy. So, don't go overboard. As for no contact after moving out, I'd recommend you keep complete no contact for at least a couple of weeks and then go back to the modified no contact you've been practicing. If he continues to contact you during no contact, you can just let him know that you need some space and you'll contact him after some time. All the best.
my name is nelson .i had a friend that lives in UK .We met as friends and along the line she asked me to meet her parents if am serious to have something to do with her .she invited me over to UK where she lived ,and i visited her .i have known her from my school days.we planned getting married. but suddenly she broke up with me and i didnt find it easy to cope without her ,i have already cried and beg her over the phone ,yet nothing changed.recently i spoke with her after a long while .i tried calling her again and she didnt pick my calls and she didnt reply my text like she used to do before .i have failed most of the steps you talked about .how can i correct it and make her want me back.since she is very far from me ,how can i make her invite me to visit her the second time .
Apply No contact.
I used to travel a lot for work doing painting running my own company all last year. We'll I went to do a Applebee's about halfway across the country and meet a girl almost a year ago and we talked and hit it off so well that she came to Texas, where my next job was, in about a month or so. This girl was head over heals over me the entire time I was with her but I was so worked up from the new business stress and being winter time not having much work and a set of bad luck strings at work made me depressed and treat her bad sometimes. Sure we had our good moments during then but now with the no contact I've realized that I took a lot out on here that she didn't deserve. We got into a fight last week when I got jealous over one of her friends. She left that day and never came back. She took my laptop which was practically hers and moved in with this guy. I realize now she just wanted me to get out of my depression at the time and be who I was when she meet me, very ambitious and constantly striving to better myself. The guy she moved in with is not her type but he works with her. I think she stayed in town cause she hopes I change in the back of her mind and we'll I won't tell her this for another 23 days but I am starting to realize stuff. I tried to bring her ring I bought before the fight and a little money to her work for 1 last shot on Valentines day, 4 days after the break up. She ran from me when she saw me. That's what made me start NC. As strong as her feelings were I can't see her happy with this new guy. Do I have a decent chance if I keep at the NC and keep working on myself? I don't even know if she has the same number so Idk what to do when the NC ends.
Hey,
Yes, you have a good chance if you continue with NC. As for contacting her, you can try contacting her on facebook or on her email.
Hi Kevin, I just contacted my ex using one of the text messages above to remind him of how I often enjoy listen to him sing while we were dating. And like most advice, he gave a neutral response and I ended the conversation saying I was busy so talk next time. A lot of advice given was that I should be the one ending the conversation so that he would want to chase. I understand it may not be today and could be a few days or so, but the thing is, what if he doesn't? It doesn't sound right to keep sending him messages "occasionally" saying positive stuff because I'm sure he'll be wondering what am I trying to achieve here. And I have a feeling that if this continues, he would think I'm contacting him with a hidden agenda. What should I do? How long should I wait? And what should I send next?
Hey Tan,
Wait for a week or two before sending another text. As for what you should text, you need to be creative here. Of course, you shouldn't use the same template every time. Mix things up a bit.
Sorry, meant to say 5 weeks, not 3. If that makes any difference
Hi Kevin. Your site and advice is awesome btw. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
So here's my situation. My ex bf and I were together for a year. We were kind of on and off and we broke up a week into a semester of school because of miscommunication problem/misunderstandings that elevated to fights.. we're so different I guess. Thing is, we didn't want to break up and we love each other, but we figured it was the right thing to do. Initially, I couldn't handle the break up and explained that I still wanted to work it out, but he said he was firm with the decision. However, to make a long story short, in a span of 3 weeks... we ignored each other, then talked, had sex, but he said he still wanted to just be "friends." So I thought it was over for sure, but then we 'hung out' had dinner, but then made out when we were saying goodbye, had sex again at his house the next day, but we didn't contact each other on Valentine's day. Note: we have classes together everyday at school.
So am I in the friends with benefits zone, or is there any hope of moving this forward?
Other notes: he "drunk" texted me saying he want to hang out soon and see a movie, has been calling me to chat while stuck in traffic..
Don't have sex with him again. Not until he commits. I'd recommend start no contact again, and ignore his calls for a month.
Alright, thanks. Also, his birthday is coming up and it's on a day where I see him in class at school. Should I wish him well, or ignore him?
Btw, I gave him a handmade card last year and he really loved it and said it made his birthday. I wanted to make another, but simple card this time around, but I see you advised others to just send a text. Should I do that too?
Yeah, don't go for the card. It's too needy at this point. Just a text should suffice.
Hello,
So, you can probably guess why I am typing here. My girlfriend and I of one month broke up about two months ago. We were happy, and then came this week that we both seemed out of it. Some problems happened and I broke up with her. It was one of those spur of the moment decisions that I regret immensely. I had no contact with her for a while (long enough time) after the break up. And once we started talking again (at school) it got confusing. Some days we are very friendly and maybe even flirtatious. And others we are kinda mean to each other. I know that I still like her, but I'm unsure if she likes me... I'm afraid that if I wait too long to do anything, then shell move on... We have talked some about the way we treat each other, and she doesn't think/know that/if I care about here anymore. We are planning on talking in school soon, face to face. And I'm debating wether I should straight up kiss her then. (to add to the problem, there's semi-formal a week away and I'm going with a different girl, but as a friend only) I want her back, and I think it's for the right reasons. So, what should I do? Any and as much advice would be great. An the sooner the better since I wanna resolve this soon.
Hopefully Ill talk to you soon...
Thanks
Don't kiss her right away. Just talk to her and if you think she is attracted to you, ask her if she wants to get back together.
Hi there,
Any thoughts on no contact initiated by the one who did the breaking up? My ex bf said we shouldn't talk for "a while" and even blocked me on the messaging service we use (I don't have fb or twitter etc). So I've been following no contact easily as I was trying to respect his wishes. Do you think the letter in 30 days still applies? Is that "a while" enough?
Thanks for your help
Yes, no contact will still work. Provided you make some positive changes in your life during the 30 days.
Hi Kevin,
Sorry I have written once, but can't seem to find the post so have to write it out again :)
Ok so, me and my boyfriend were together for just over 2 years, the relationship started rocky with big personal problems (family etc) which we managed to get through together and it didn't seem to effect us too much, if anything it made us stronger. We had a very good relationship (obviously a few arguments over silly things, but all relationships have them!!). Then in October we went on holiday to celebrate our two years together, but a couple weeks later when we met up he told me he didn't think he could do it anymore, but when I asked why, he couldn't give me a proper answer. We were both in tears, we both found it very hard..
We then didn't talk for a couple of weeks, even though I did try to contact him as he had his things at my house and vice versa, then randomly one day he messaged me to say he was having doubts about us breaking up and if he made the wrong decision, he still loved me etc.. Which left loads of hope in my head!!
Then a couple more weeks went by where he didn't talk to em (by this point I was slightly frustrated as he knows full well how much I love him and how much I wanted to work it out). ...one point to add, he's a very adamant person and if he says going to do something etc he always does it.. Which leads me to the next part...
I then got another random message from him just after Christmas saying that he was going to bring my things back to me by the end of the week, because I obviously need closure (me not him!).. I was left confused, but by that point I thought it was 100% finished. But, nearly 2 months later and his things still remain at mine and vice versa, and he's told a few people that he still loves the bones of me etc.. So what do I do?! If he wanted it to really be over, surely he'd have come and got his things by now so he could move on or atleast not have to deal with this anymore? Even if he sent someone else to get it.... I personally want to work things out with him, I believed he really did love me and I know he was hurt when we split up..
Thanks in advance :)
So are you saying you've basically been in no contact for 2 months? Or are you continuously in contact? If you have been in contact, apply no contact for a month and then contact him again. If you have been in no contact, send him the letter mentioned in the article and see how he responds.
I've tried contacting him, but in the 2-3 months I've only had two messages from him. Both being totally different!!
Thanks I shall do that.
Hi, please I need an advice, I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years, we had good and rough times together. I found some messages in his phone from another girl, who bothered us for long time and I overreacted.Something happened between them, I m sure.I was very upset because he lied to me and he started to act unusual and kind of aggressive.The jealousy was our first problem. We broke up and our fight was very rough, it s been almost six weeks since it happened. I didn't contact him but I found out that he's seeing another girl. I found out accidentally, because I saw them walking together and I know he saw me too, he faked a smile and he faked the fact that he was very interested in her stories. Their relationship began just the next day we broke up.
I don't know what to do...we broke up many times in six years but we were coming back to each other because the feelings were too strong. When we were separated, each of us tried to start a new relationship but none of us succeed and when we came back, our love was stronger.
Now I am still upset but I don't want to contact him because I want this to be his idea and I want him to be conscious of his mistakes.I don't know if he's still thinking of me and of us being back together.
Thanks,
Shania
Hey Shania,
I am pretty sure he is still thinking of you and secretly he wants to get back with you. It's good you've decided to not contact him. Hopefully, he'll break up with his girlfriend soon (it's probably a rebound) and contact you.
Thanks for the reply, but i messed up. I ended up givving her a valentines card(just a card) and i wrote a letter telling her about how i was changing my life . later the next day She admitted she started talking to someone, someone that i hate quite a bit. I dint say anything about it at first until i was informed that he used to mess around with hookers. So i ended up calling her(intoxicated again) but i wasn't asking for her back or anything i just told her to make sure that he gets checked an to show her proof he doesn't have anything. It started a fight obviously but we ended up calming things down. So basically i start no contact over again as its only been just short of two weeks since the breakup? And do you have any other types of tips for me???
That's OK. You are starting no contact again, so that's good. Just make sure you go through with it this time.
Ok so she called me today to ask if i can keep our child for another night. I kno why shes being "nice" about this because she wants to go see the other guy so i decided not to be a doormat and i said no because i was busy (im not) and she flipped out. Do you think i did the right thing and what does it mean when she gets mad like that
Well, I am not so sure if you did the right thing. You are only being a doormat if you agree to her conditions without considering your own comfort. In this case, you just didn't agree to her conditions out of spite. In my opinion, the more you try to stop them from seeing someone, the more they want to see them.
But regardless, continue with no contact.
I had a couple more things to ask. When she drops our child off i tend to try and make myself look as good as possible, not overboad like wearin a suit o anythin lol but well groomed and nice clothes. But dirin this no contact period i am goin to bettermyself like i said before with the no smoking and working out and when i get paid i will be gettin a haircut and new clothes, but she will obviously see these changes slowly. Do you think i should jus kind of be my old self and not put so mich effort in my appearance right now and then out of nowhere show he the new me or should i let her watch the change happen slowly?
Let her watch the change happen slowly. Otherwise, it'll look like a cleverly devised plan to get her back.
My partner of 1 year has left me after two irrelevant arguments. We were trying for a baby and I am now seven weeks pregnant. He has known for two weeks. He left sunday after our second argument and when i returned from work on tuesday he had taken his belongings from my house. The key was posted through the door with a note saying he would give me the money which he owed me a few days later. He did give me the money owed. I am obviously quite hormonal and upset at the situation. We have mutual friends and no one can quite believe his actions. I did not ever envisage being a single parent. I went to see him on Friday as I felt that we needed to talk. He was very detached, also stoned. He aid he did not think we would have lasted anyway. I am quite confused as this is contradictory to 'I want you to have my baby', 'I want to get married', 'I love you'. Any advice would be appreciated.
Don't make any of the mistakes mentioned in the article and start no contact. I know you never saw yourself being a single parent but now it's on the verge of becoming a reality. I sincerely hope that this plan works for you and he comes back, but you have to be realistic and make sure that you are ready to give your child a healthy and loving environment even if you are a single parent.
Hey Kevin,
Like many who have spoken to you, I too am experiencing that nasty thing called breaking up! We'd been together for just over three years and for the last six months or so it just got ugly - stressed out, fighting all the time, and regretfully have raised my hand in act of frustration to get her to get out of my face. I've done pretty much all of those common mistakes - I pretty much hysterically laughed at myself reading it because of how stupid I must seem from her point of view.
I thought I wanted this relationship to end as well but after some time thinking about it, I don't. Unfortunately, we live together so moving is imperative and is just causing this thing between us to worsen. It's been just over a month now and she has started dating some guy she met at friend's going-away party, gut wrenching as it seems - there is nothing I can do.
I want this girl back. I love her relentlessly and while I have wronged her in the past, I want nothing more than to be a better man for her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated! In my situation, I have a lot of growing up, accepting what I've done and forgiving myself to do before I even think of trying to get her back but reading your post has given me hope at such a dark time.
Please give me advice Kevin, you've more than likely seen this post or heard of this situation many-a-time and I'd be all "ears" about what you have to say! What should I do? How should I go about this?
Hey,
Even if you are still living with her, start No Contact. Only talk about stuff that you absolutely have to and nothing personal. Move out as soon as possible. Also, do not get back together just because you feel bad about what happened and you miss being with her. Think about this, if you two get back together, things are going to get ugly again. Will you be able to handle the stress this time? Are you absolutely 100% sure that you won't lose control and raise your hand again? If you are not sure, it's better to just let her go. If you are sure, then be ready for a lot of work because a relationship with her is going to take a lot of work from both of you. All the best.
Thank you the speedy reply!
I'm definitely not wanting to get back together with her because of guilt - I plan on working on myself so that I can at least cope with stress better, raising my hand was definitely out of character for me. I've had some clarity in my thought over the month "apart" and have seen things that make me want to work at it and have a life together.
However, after the no contact period, upon sending that letter and then following up with texts in an effort to create a meeting... what happens if she say's no? How do you combat something like that? I want to work at it and make it right between us but from how she's reacting at the current moment it seems like in a month or two's time she'll be off not even thinking about wanting anything to do with me.
Thanks for the help Kevin, genuinely appreciate it! The world needs more good sorts like yourself.
Hey Will,
I know it feels like that in a month or two she'll completely move on and not want to have you in your life. But in reality, it's not like that. It takes a lot longer for someone to move on and the fact that you didn't contact them for one month, makes them more curious to want to meet up and stay in contact. But on the off chance that they refuse to meet or talk to you, the best thing you can do is start no contact again. It's probably because your ex is still angry and giving them more time will help subdue that anger. Think about it, why else would they refuse to meet you unless they are angry?
You make a reasonable point there, what happens if this guy she's just started seeing progresses into something more?
Just found out that this guy she's been seeing has turned into a sexual thing now - heartbreaking news on my half.
Two weeks before we broke up she texted me saying that she wanted to work on our relationship and keep finding ways to keep each other happy and now she does this?
Sad part is.. I still want her in my life. What the hell am I supposed to do now Kevin?
Hey Will,
How are you finding this stuff out? If you're still stalking her on FB or asking her friends about her, then you are not really following NC. Anyways, like I mentioned in the article, rebound relationships actually move faster than a normal relationship. Good news is, they actually end faster as well. So the best thing you can do is continue with the plan.
Hey Kevin,
Me and my ex broke up and i was kinda desperate begging her for a chance and all and after that i didn't contact her for a month and then i met her at a party and she told her friend that i didn't have the courtesy to even come and talk to her and her friend told me that the next day so i told her friend to tell her that i need to talk to her and sent a hand written sorry letter she saw it and cried and she told her friend that i shouldn't have listened to her for trusting another girl which was the cause of our breakup and she said she doesn't want any relationships now and tole her to tell me not to contact her or text her on. The next day was valentines day so i just sent a text saying i know it won't resolve everything but i sorry and ill wait no matter how long it takes. Do u think i have a chance here or is it over
You have a chance. Start no contact.
My birthday is coming up in 2 months and im planning to go right to her face and talk to her eyes is it worth it cuz im already confident on my side cuz im out of my depressions and still think i should go for it ..ours is a 2 year relationship so do u think i should do it or give it some more time
Hi Kevin, my bf and I broke up about 36 days ago and the NC only started 26 days ago. Although I no longer grieve and am no longer thinking about the insecurity that I will get if he got back with me, I am feeling rather excited that the NC is about to be over! The NC period made me realized that while it's true that I don't need my bf to be happy, I find that he's someone I want to share my happiness with. I tried keeping myself busy working, exercising etc, but now that the NC period is about to be over, I find myself thinking about him a lot lately, thinking about the happy times we used to spend with each other etc. I wish he is the same too but am unsure since we haven spoke 1 to 1 for so long. And because I am excited about lifting the NC, I don't know if I am truly ready to speak to him as a friend and start over or is it because I have yet to let go of the old relationship? Is it normal for me to feel this way?
Different people have different feelings at the end of NC. Some feel so relieved that they hesitate starting contact again and keep on delaying it for one more week. Others are miserable throughout NC and even at the end of it. These type of people are still needy and insecure at the end of NC and they end up screwing it up. The way you are feeling is also quite common. This means you are genuinely excited to have him in your life again and at the same time you know that you don't need him to be happy. IMO, you are ready to speak to him.
Hey Kevin,
I told him I won't ask you to see me if you don't want to see me. And I stop contacting him from yesterday. Is there any hope? As I told you he do whatever his family want and his family doesn't want him to marry me :(
You have a chance. But if he is never going to marry you, why bother? Wouldn't it be better for you to move on?
Hi Kevin,
Need your help man I only just found this page. I love my ex so much we broke up two weeks ago, I thought she was cheating blew up we had an argument. And she said that we've grown apart and have been for months and that she doesn't love me the way I love her. Is that even a valid reason? Anyway I did everything you shouldn't then took advice of a friend who said to ignore her. Which I did all of two days. The valentines came and I wished her a happy valentines and got a response. Then I asked her to lunch if she wasn't with any1 else and she got angry and said it hurt that I would think she was with any1 else yet. Can I still applie the no contact rule and how do I go about it when I work with her every weekend and her birthday is a month today
Thanks
Jacob
Yes you should apply no contact.Whenever you see her at work, treat her like a colleague you are in good terms with. Don't talk about anything personal.
Hi Kevin
What a great website. I met a man on the internet, first time in my life I can say I have fallen in love hook line and sinker. I moved my entire life and daughter to a new town, new job, new school and moved in with him 6 hours away from my family and friends. We are both from different upbringings, mine being more fortunate. None of that mattered we were in love. However issues arose when it came to family and outside interference, an ex girlfriend who he had a daughter with and another teenage daughter from a young relationship. Having moved my entire life to be with him, whenever we had family issues, or outside interference as I call it, he always chose to back the other side totally undermining me in front of them. I couldn’t ever seem to get him to understand that “We” come first as we were the providers for the family.
After several months the chaos and constant interference and commune approach to life drove me away. I absolutely love him to bits but the only way for my sanity was to leave and set up a home with my child in a new town. I keep thinking if only he could see where the issues were, though I am pretty sure he knows deep down.
I do get random texts saying I miss you, I dreamt about you, I have he has the most amazing happy memories of us, to it was the most miserable time of his life etc but todate he has refused to even meet up with me and prefers just messaging.
Firstly I keep thinking I should have followed the girls bible “he’s just not that into you” as I made the big move and followed him. However I am just wondering what your take is on this. I know I love him, I know he loves me but he prefers to live in the past with his ex and daughters. Is it worth me even applying the 30 day. We didn't split because we fell out of love we split because the home dynamics were not working. I am a strong level headed woman but he really was/is the one but I’m not sure he wants to be happy as to date the communication has been all over the place. This biggest problem for me is love him but I do know I cannot live with his eldest daughter as she is a piece of work, with language and morals I have never witnessed in my life, the ultimate reason for me leaving was I realised as a mother could not expose my child to that kind of behaviour.
I know this comes across as an abusive relationship and in all reality its probably true, All I know is that time on our own was unbelievable when the interference was no where to be seen. Am I just a stupid woman thinking that love is possible in this situation and should I invest the time?
Suggestions and thoughts much appreciated.
Hey Nicky,
How can he be the one if you two can't live in the same house without creating chaos. Isn't the one supposed to be enough compatible with you that you can live together forever? I think 30 days is going to do you good. At least, during the no contact period, you can figure out whether or not having him back in your life is the right thing to do.
Hi Kevin
Yep, logic tells me that's correct, I guess the chaos always came from his side of the fence, like his daughter posting on FB to 1400 of her friends nasty comments about me and the ex being in our house when I get home from work asking me how my day was?! He couldn't seem to understand why I was not happy with that arrangement and said I was overreacting as he loved me!
Still getting the miss you love you texts and sad pictures of his younger daughter with stitches in her leg from an accident at the weekend. Have ignored them all. Tough though!
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up a year and a half ago after a 2year relationship. We had a great and fun chemistry but I wound up pregnant and he was simply not ready for a baby. After deciding to keep our child, he became distant almost overnight. However, we remained cordial and sometimes sexual over the course of the year and a half breakup. About 4 months ago I decided to no longer be sexual with him as I assumed he was also sleeping with other women.
Although, he is now seeing someone else, he seems to continue to flirt with me. He calls me at 2am just to "check up on our daughter" and when he comes over he flirtatiously throws baby toys at me. Also, when he calls he sometimes starts random conversation that does not involve our child. Furthermore, when he felt that I was seeing someone else, he kept asking how my dating life was going and if I had a valentine. Meanwhile he is still seeing someone else. I just feel like he is giving me a lot of mixed signals. He seems to still have feelings for me but he is bitter and resentful towards me for keeping my baby. I still love him an would love for us to be a family but no matter what I do it does not seem to work. I do not call or text him, I make sure to have a positive attitude when we are around each other, I make sure I smell and look nice, but we are still apart. What would you recommend?
Hey Jessica,
I'll recommend keep doing what you are doing. If possible, start dating. If he wants to be in your life, he'll want to get back together. If not, he'll let you go. I would recommend no contact for a while before you start dating. I know you don't call him, but you also need to stop answering his calls. I assume he doesn't want to be a part of the baby's life. If he does, only contact him when it's related to the baby. Don't talk to him about anything personal and don't flirt with him.
Thanks for all the sound advice. My bf of 6 years recently broke up with me and felt so blindsided by it. He said he had been unhappy for the last few months of our relationship and felt tied down to me. He said he wanted to be single and experience new people. He said he would always love me but he couldn't make our relationship work because it was too much work and felt like we couldn't fix anything. He also confessed that he took up some bad habits and kept a little bit of a secret life from me. I begged him like an idiot to reconsider and that I would accept him as is or we could start a new relationship with our new selves. I also texted him the night of our breakup about 7 hours after he did it to telling him we could start over, etc. He has yet to respond. I know he needs space to think everything through. But I fear I will retain some hope will work everything out and it doesn't happen. I don't know how to let go of someone who I have been with for that period of time.
You need to give him space. Start no contact. That's your best option right now.
Hey Kevin,
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up one year ago after dating for three years, but continued to see each other and be friends with benefits for the next year after that…I made the mistake of being dependent on him and showing that I still really liked him, wanted him, etc. He essentially was able to date other girls but also have me on the side whenever he wanted which was a big mistake on my part. I hooked up with other guys too, but it was clear to both of us that I mainly wanted him. A week ago he decided to dump me for good but he was sad about doing it and said he didn’t want to see me go, that I was a good person and deserved better than him because recently he's treated me badly, won't return my calls, ignore my pleas to get back together, he doesn't want a relationship because we're in college and he wants to branch out but I do want a relationship, etc. He said he still wants to see me but we shouldn't hook up anymore and shouldn't date...
I know he's right that we need to branch out and see what else is out there (we were each other's first everything) but I want to get back together with him eventually...
I’ve been in No Contact with him for 9 days now. What do you suggest for getting an ex back who I was friends with benefits with for a whole year after the first break up? Since sleeping with an ex/letting him have you on the side is such a bad thing to do?
Please help!
Hey Casey,
Yes, it was a mistake to let him sleep with you for an entire year. But the plan for you remains the same. Except, I'll recommend you actually branch out and start dating. Keep no contact for a while, and if you think you are ready for it, start a relationship with someone else. If after dating other guys and being in a relationship with someone else, you still want to get back with him, then you can contact him and see if he's interested.
I'm just nervous that while I date someone else he'll get angry, date someone else as well, and then he'll move on...I couldn't stand that. How can I prevent that from happening?
If he starts a relationship with someone just because of anger, that relationship will end soon.
Hey! My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me about 3 weeks ago b/c he said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and that I start too many fights with him. After a couple weeks of NC, I called him one night and he answered, we talked for over an hour and he told me that he still cares about me, thinks about me, and "stalks my fb" and that when he sees anything about me moving on it hurts him. The next day he sent me a couple snapchats and then came and visited me at work. He gave me a huge hug and we talked casually, then he just grabbed my face and kissed me! We hugged and kissed a few more times (and both agreed it felt good) and made plans to hang out in the next week. When the day came to hang out he cancelled and said it was a bad idea b/c he "has too many feelings" for me and "wants to get over me." I completely screwed up by then sending him like 10 text messages pleading my case, I pretty much embarrassed myself. Then he said the next day that we need to stop talking and move on from each other. I am starting the NC today, but tomorrow is Valentine's Day which KILLS me, I can't stop thinking about him and how much fun he is having with friends, without me :'-( Is there hope for us???
hey,
my ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 and 1/2 months ago.. we dated for almost 2 and 1/2 years and are practically the same person. he ended it because he said he was not happy anymore and that he could not love me the way that i loved him.. we both had rough semesters leading up to the break up and also started talking about the future. i think he freaked out. this was both of ours first serious long term relationship. and we were crazy about each other. i have not talked to him for nearly 2 months because he said he needed space to find himself again. he had been feeling like he was falling out of love for about 2-3 months pre-breakup, but never mentioned it to me.. in fact, he started to become an unreal boyfriend in this time (not saying he was terrible before.. he was terrific) so i would not suspect he was losing feelings. he tried really hard on his own to stay in it. he said breaking up with me was the hardest thing he has ever done... and that he was hurting. we go to school together so i have to see him nearly every day so it is hard on me. i love him very much, he was my best friend. we had communication issues, but besides that, we fit like a glove. i always tried to work on our communication but he couldnt over come vulnerability and opening up. what do you think, do we have a chance, or should i let him go?
Well, you do have a chance, but still I'd recommend you let him go. At least for the time being. If it's meant to be, you'll get back together in the future. Since you are young and this was your first relationship, I think it's better if you branch out and see what else is out there.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my boy been together for almost a year. we didn't any problem but his family doesn't like me. and he is to close to his family. it's been 2 months he is always stress and stop seeing me. Hes saying just move one with your life but I know he love me too.
I was following every step for 3 weeks and it was working but unfortunately, last Saturday it was our anniversary so i send him chocolates box and his brother got that box and he got angry again. I asked him to see me so we can talk but he said he will never see me. what should i do?
Start all over again. This time, send him the letter.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We were dating for around 3 months (I know its not that long). And I know how much I love her and she always told me how much she loves me. She always said she was planning on spending the rest of her life with me and that if we ever broke up she would never want another guy. I know we moved kind of fast, but at the time it seemed so natural because we were insanely attracted to eachother. We fought alot, Id said once a week, but I we always made up and we were happy again. She said she hated fighting with me, which is the reason she broke up--she said she was to burnt out.
Right after she broke up with me she calls me, and says that she is afraid she is going to lose me forever, and asks that if she wants to hangout can we still? Being stubborn, I rely I dont know if we can, we will see. But about two hours later, it sunk in and i called her back crying and begging. She didnt have any of it, and she said im sorry I cant do this right now. Anyways two days after I show up to her dance competition with flowers and basically apologized for everything. I apologized for all the fights yet she still said she cant do this.
She texted me the very next day saying she got into a car crash but shes not fine and not to worry. I said im so sorry do you want me to come get you and she said no. I also asked her if she still loves me and she said she does but dont get your hopes up because she doesnt want to hurt me. She said if she ever wants this relationship again she will come to me. Im so worried that she will find somebody else in the next month because she has done that in the past with her relationship lasting more than a year. I was not the rebound relationship but Im just afraid she will be with another guy, because she is a very desirable woman. She also is having troubles with her family, as her father is divorcing her mother. Is there still hope?
Yes there's hope. Give no contact a try. And when you contact her, don't show any signs of neediness.
Hey Kevin,
So me and my ex were together for almost 2 years. She's in 3rd year university and I recently started my first job after graduation in Sept last year. Things between us were great till I began my work. I used to have more time for us and we would hang out often. But since I started work, which is located 1.5 hrs long bus ride away from home, my time with her decreased dramatically. 5 days of the week I would be at work from 9-6. We only had time once or twice a week after her late classes and we would meet in the evening for coffee for 30-45 mins. As a result of this we stopped communicating as much with each other. We would talk and vent about our problems but never connect and have intimate conversations. This went on for 2 months and we both knew things aren't the same as before. We both wanted to deal with this but literally didn't have time. She was always stressed about school and I used to be exhausted after work. We then decided to talk things out after her exams but then I left for vacation to my homeland and we were separated for 6 weeks. We would text everyday but about general stuff. Then suddenly she texted me one days saying she is tired of everything. She says we aren't growing together anymore and that she is not in love with me. She says that she feels things can never go back to the way they were and that its the end. She says she needs to find her own happiness and doesn't know who she is as a person outside the relationship.
Thing is we grew distant slowly and the time away made things worse. Initially when I was bombarded with this I did all the things in Step #1. I was needy and desperate and wanted her to think things through. All this happened 2 weeks ago. She then later called me couple of days later saying she genuinely wants to be alone and find out who she is. She said she wants me to know that just because we broke up she isn't going to spend all her time with friends and party. She said if we are meant to be together we will find each other in the future. We met up again 4 days ago as she wanted to return some of my stuff. I told her that life circumstances and lack of communication lead us down this road . For a change it actually looked like she was absorbing what I was saying to her.
In the end I told her that I can't be friends. She said she will call me once a week and if I pick up it means I am ok to be friends and that if I don't means I am not. I told her that I will always answer her calls because they could be for an emergency or anything. But if she calls me as friends for a general chat I will ignore her. Also if she feels that she wants to talk about a potential us and maybe work on some of the issues..she can call.
After that we haven't spoken. She messaged once saying she likes the cream I got her. I just replied saying - I'm glad you like it. It's been a few days and there has been no contact.
I genuinely care for this girl and feel we left things unfinished. I feel we need to atleast try to work on the issues and see what it leads to. At this point I don't know what to do. Obviously I feel miserable and am trying to distract myself from her. I don't know if she will ever contact me again.
But for now I want to know what I should be doing and what I should/shouldn't expect from her.
Thanks :)
You should be concentrating on yourself. You should try to be happy in your life without her. It's only been a few days of no contact, so wait for 30 days and if after that you still feel like you want her back, contact her. She will probably try to contact you, but it doesn't mean anything. She seems to be set on being friends. It's good you made it clear that you don't want to be friends. Give her time to figure out what she wants in life. This way, if you do get back together, she'll be in it for the long haul.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me recently out of the blue. We had a great relationship (at least in my eyes) and he was always honest with me about everything. He showed a great deal of respect and care for me. But after not contacting me for 2 days, he sends me a text saying that we need to talk. We meet up at my house and he drops the bomb. He says that the way that his life is headed, he does not see us being together. He didn't really give a reason. He also said that he did not care as much as I did and that he made his decision and I can't get him back. But again, he didn't really give a reason. This just literally came out of nowhere. Whenever we were together he always showed a great deal of affection and care. His family knows me. We've hung out together with them at gatherings. The worst part of all is that we work in the same building and his brother is my supervisor. He wasn't cruel or cold about the breakup at all. He was sweet and genuine but it still broke my heart. He says we can be friends but obviously, I'm writing you on this website because I want him back. I have not contacted him since the breakup (it was only 2 days ago) and after reading this article I will continue not to contact him. But I miss him dearly. In retrospect, I did have a lot of issues that I needed to work on (self esteem, confidence wasn't all that great) and maybe he just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not so sure. He was wonderful and nurturing and although our relationship wasn't perfect, it was something that I could say is worth fighting for. He said he didn't want to lead me on into thinking that he wanted to continue in this relationship. He was saying all these things without telling me where they came from. It seemed to have been built up for a while and he couldn't hold back anymore. But he never acted that way when we were together. He was funny, attentive and smart and wouldn't ignore me. He would apologize whenever necessary and had no problem admitting he was wrong. Some of the things I've done with him and told him I've never done with any other man. This is why the breakup is confusing. There were no red flags or warning signs. Please tell me there is hope.
There's definitely hope. I don't know what was his real reason for breakup was, but I do know that if you follow the plan, he'll feel insanely attracted to you again.
Hi Kevin,
My ex boyfriend broke up with me after dating for 1 year and 8 months saying that he feels that i do not understand him and support him the way he feels i should. He said that he loves and cares for me deeply however right now he does not want me. Does this mean that we do not have a chance to be together again? I told him that i think we should start again and forget about the past but that still did not work. .I believe that it is definitely something that can be worked on, however i do not want to get my hopes up just in case he does not want to get back with me. what do i do? I have not spoken to him since the breakup although it has been hard and unfortunately we work together so i will see him once every week. Please give me advice :( thanks.
Hey Angela,
When you see him, act to him politely but don't talk about anything personal. Other than that, follow the plan. Make positive changes in your life, it's going to help a lot.
Hi Kevin I have bought the product but my situation is in middle..My girl broke wanted to broke up with me 10 days ago and i accepted gentle and said lest talk face to face last time and if we did not feel same we go our ways. She accepted because she was relaxed that i will not argue about this and make her sad also she shocked..and i wanted to give her some space we did not contac 1 week and we met last monday. it was very good she was shocked how i m responding false friendship issue. She came there to finish everything but when she saw me happy confident and fuuny she was confused and said give me time until tomorrow and i smiled and just i care your emotions and opinions she was shocked again.. i suggested a saturday meeting at there and when we are leaving she tol me i will call you for satuday..now what should i do..i could not decide which stage i m in book..drift , shift or switch..she understand i can be very happy with being friends and told you are so powerful please if we stay friedn dont leave my life..what is my next move which stage i m in i m really confused :D because we are not contacting from monday last meeting but she did not told me that ok we are friends or we are continiung or smthg like that..
Hey,
Just act the same way you did in the last meeting. You'll do great.
Hi kelvin,
I'm heartbroken. My and my bf used to be good friend in high school back in Asia, we both came to USA for college. We didn't contacted for few years until his 3rd year in college, I decided to visited him him Chicago. During that visit, we started dating and quickly he was in love with me, although I wasn't much in love back then. This August will marked our 6 years anniversary. We were engaged the second year and We started living together 4 years ago, he gave up a good job offer and take up a less desire job offer just to stay with me in New York City. I was a student back then, he brought a car because he can drive me to school everyday and oh go work. It was my bad, I took him for granted I thought he would never leave me, he always said I was his soulmates and first love, he can't imagine life without me and wanted to settle down with me, but i wasn't ready and always make jokes like how I think of marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, and said i don't want to settle down just yet... I didn't finish my college and I still didn't obtain a driving lisence. He got really upset with me and thinks that he spend so much time driving me to school yet I couldn't finished my studies , we got in a lot of credit card debts because we always travel during the first two years of our long distant relationship, and after we moved in together, our debts gets up even higher with the rent, car loans and such. .. During the last 2 years of our relationship, his elderly parents in Asia keep wanting him to return home but he refuse to because he know once he's gone, we will be over and during that time, his relationship with his family are not that great..he also started mentioning how unhappy he is living in nyc and want us to moved back to Chicago, I refuse. He wanted to buy a house in jersey and settle down, I also refuse because I don't like jersey.. We always fought, but we end up staying together anywhere.. Later when his student visa expire, I told him I can married him so he can get a green card and continue to live here, but I said its going to be a fake marriage since we will get a divorce 2 years later and by the time we are ready, he should proposed again. Just like that we get married but still acted like bf and gf to others.. Untill last year, he finally return home to visit his parents after 4 years.. He changed completely. He will start texting me and said many harsh stuff to me, like how bad I was as a gf, how he couldn't see me as his future wife anyway and wanted to break up. His dad is old and barely walk and he feel guilty by staying with me or tell me he love me. Later he returned to New York after 3 weeks in Asia, we fought like crazy, I finally returned him the engagement ring and told him he can give it back to me when he's ready in the future and he accept it. I pretty much made all the mistake under NC rule
And made him stay. I know he flirted with a girl on Facebook, later he claims that he tried, but it didn't work out. I start doing laundry for him and start preparing meals for him during this few months. We've been on and off until January this year We both went back to asia to visit our parents, we spent 3 weeks there and we both live apart with our own family. We have limited contact, he only text me during that time and he only called me twice on the phone, my family wasn't happy about it and don't see us as a happy couple. He threaten to break up again over text message, i refuse to and say we should work it out again. Last week we both flew back to New York, he started to distant himself to me again, and this time he begged me to let him go and claims that although he have feelings towards me but it wasn't the love he used to have, and everytime when he look at me, he can only see stress and all the credit card debts he accumulate. He say the reason he still stay in New York because he can't get a job in Asia anymore and he is stuck here with me because he got no money to moved out and he need to make money to pay off all his debts. He even said he would divorce with me and give up his greencard return back to asia If I'm willing to let go. He also say he love USA and dislike asia, but partial reason he wanted to leave because he wants a clean break with me. I stumble across his ipad and saw he took she pics with that Facebook girl, he even kept a single pic of her. I questioned him weather they started the relationship, he said no, he can't start a new one without ending the old one, I asked him if he fallen for someone else and he said no, he's not capable of falling for others at the moment. He said if I let him go a year ago, there's a good chance we will get back together, but now he thinks is none. I asked him if we broke up, is there a chance for us to get back together, he said it's possible, no one would know what's the future will be, as long as he's not married yet and anything is possible but at this moment, he can't stand with my personality, he can't see me being his wife with the person I am right now .. I begged him to give us a last chance, he claims he already give me many chances last year and he don't think it will work, he just wanted to ended it. I agreed to end it as long as we spent out last valentines together. We are considered already break up, but still living together, he's ok with me sleeping on the same bed but because I snore so loud, I ended up taking the couch. We both can't afford to move out from the APT now, and he's been taking about to get a sofa bed in the living room and start living separately. We still talk to each other, but we are no longer intimate in the same APT. I can't move on, I want him back, what should I do? We are like housemate now, it is so hard to look at him at night and I can't hug him... The day after tomorrow is valentines day, I asked if we can have a last nice night as a couple together.. I really want to have a romantic evening that end up with a breakup sex,, I know I might sounds crazy but I need it.. I want us to be together again.. But we broke up and live together ... A the same time I'm also thinking if I should get a divorce and cut his greencard, this way he will have to return back to asia in 6 months. Because everyone tells me I shouldn't give him the greencard since he treated me badly last year and he at one point he mentioned that he rather not having it. Kelvin, help me!!! I want us back together! He's the love of my life, i made stupid mistake in the past and leads to what happened today.. I've changed, but he doesn't think I changed at all. I am more considerate than I used to be back then,, I want him to love me again,,, is that possible? How NC rules work on my case if we live together and he claims that he no longer love me? We've been together since August 2008, engaged on September 2009, moved in together June 2010, legally marry Sep 2012, engagement broken and everything start going downhill and on and off since may 2013 and finally broke up feb 2014.
Hey Jennifer,
I don't think cutting off his Greencard is going to help you get him back. It's just going to make him resent you more. Don't try to hurt him, it's going to backfire. Since you've already made plans for valentine's, I can only wish you luck.
As for your situation, you need to apply limited contact and start making some positive changes in your life. That's your best bet. Start going to Gym, start some new hobbies, do yoga, meditation. Do so for at least 60 days. Hopefully, he'll get attracted to you again and want to give it another try.
Hallo Kevin
My ex break up with two months now, I still feel shit I cannot stop thinking of him. I have been trying so hard to call him, text him even to go to his house begging to take me back but his answer always NO that our relationship doesn't work and we fight so much. But we were together two year any happy doing so many things together and I was very good and nice to his kids , I was making him happy and he was always said I was the first girlfriend to show him how real love is. Now everything's looks different he break up with me he doesn't call or text and I think he doesn't miss me. His busy with his life and I want him back I do real need your help because I see my life has turn up side down.
Cristina, he does miss you. And he'll miss you more if you give him a chance to miss you. Apply NC.
Me and my partner have recently split up and I have been doing all the no nos after speaking to her I've told her id like to have an amicable relationship for the kids , I'm not going to call her for a month however we have had an on and off again relationship for the past four years I've made mistakes lied and she has taken me back 4 times but I kept messing up I'm a really great person who has had issues with things in life that I now have overcome, I truly know what I've lost and know I can give her what she wants is it too late for me seeing I have been given many chances before ? or can I still win her back. we have two beautiful sons one who is autistic they are my world and so is she...
Yes, you can win her back. Just give her some time to miss you and make some positive changes in your life. All the best!
Hi, my ex recently visited and everything was good with the exception of a few signs he doesn't respect me anymore. After he left, he said that the bad just outweighs the positive. Do you have any advice on what I should do because at this point, I am just thinking that I should accept him as an Associate?
If you haven't already, give him time. A month of no contact can change his perspective.
Hey Kevin,
So my girlfriend of 2 years just broke up with me a week ago. I know why she did it, i basically let myself go and stopped caring thinking she wasn't going anywhere(selfish and dumb on my part) we were madly in love at first and eventually she just faded. I love her and she was insanely in love with me until i started letting myself go. When we broke up she admitted it was hard on her to. But she said she needed time to think on things. 2 days later i pulled a mistake and called her at 3 AM drunk asking for her back and even cried. But she was crying to and continued to tell me we couldn't be together. After that i started to no contact phase but the thing is there are time we have to come in contact because we have a baby together and she drops the child off most days so she can work. Although she tries to avoid it and tries to get someone else to drop her off there is the odd time we end up seeing each other. But i don't say much to her just basically say hi and that's it. Now the last 3 days I've been doing things to better myself. I have started a quit smoking program, starting to go to a gym to get fit as i am rather slim. I've started eating better and got a haircut. Next two days i go to get new glasses and even contact lenses.
So basically my questions are 1. What do i do on the times we do have to meet up for the child and 2. what other tips pointers do you have about what i have done so far in the past few days of no contact?
Whenever you meet up for the child, just be polite and treat her with respect. Don't talk about your personal life and don't ask about hers. Basically, do what you've been doing till now. I think you are doing OK with no contact. Give it a month and then contact her. Also, congrats on starting the quit smoking program. If you need help, search for a book called "Easy way to stop smoking". It's one of the best way to stop smoking permanently. I highly recommend it because I quit smoking using that and haven't touched a cigarette in a year.
Hi Kevin.
My boyfriend broke up with me 12 days ago.We were 1 year together. We kept fighting ALL the time over stupid,silly, everyday things. So many misunderstandings. It was like we couldn't bear each other anymore, i felt like i was trying so hard lately on our fights but he seemed indifferent, and I'm sure he has his own point of view and blame me for all our fights. He was also very stressed with his studies lately. Till one day after a fight he decided to break up with me. I called him only few times the next day. He ignored me.I wrote a letter thanking him, telling him that i love him,showing him my point of view for our fights that we were not compatible i was energetic but he wasn't, and stuff. And that's all. All he said to a friend was that this letter meant nothing, and that he is fine and he has a plan for his life(very cruel). I haven't contacted him since then, neither has he. He's a very selfish person and very determined about his decision of breaking up with me. Do I have any chance of making him talk to me again? (thats all I want to have him in my life as a friend). What should I do? Thanks
If you want him in your life just as a friend, you are fooling yourself. Your mind is tricking you into thinking you want him as a friend, because accepting that you are going to lose him is much harder. Think about it, how many friendships are forced? If you are this much desperate to be someone's friend, it's not really friendship. Friendship is always natural and mutual. Unlike romantic relationships.
So don't even try to make him talk to you again. If he wants to be friends, he'll contact you. If he doesn't, then you can never be real friends and it's better that way.
Hey Kevin,
This is an excellent website! Well done :)
I wanted to ask you for some advice. My ex and I have been together for two years. We were good friends for a long time before. Over our relationship we broke up once before but that was because she was jealous of another girl I am friends with. It has been about a month since the break up. First of all she wanted to be best friends, telling me noone can replace me as her bestie. Then it got awkward. Our conversations got less and less interesting. No matter how much I tried to spice them up. I made a few of the mistakes listed above. Unfortunately we got into a fight because I got really jealous and called her a liar. So she wouldn't speak to me for a month until my birthday where her sister told her to be nice to me. Now we have started speaking again and it was great to start with. But now it is starting to degrade to what it was before the fight. We never broke up because of arguements and had literally only one while together. I'm not over her yet, and she says she understands that. But we text alot and facebook alot. What I want to know is; do you think there is a good chance of us getting back together if I start the steps again?
P.S. I tried making her jealous but she said it had the opposite effect I wanted it to.
Yeah, you have a good chance. Like I said in the article, there's no guarantee, but you'll definitely increase your chances.
Thank you very much. Is there any signs the ex usually makes to show they area into you once you start speaking again?
I've written two articles on that. This one and this one.
They really help thank you. When I told her I wanted no contact for a while she told me that's what I said last time and maybe I will be better when she goes out with someone else. Thoughts?
She probably said it to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to her. And she might actually start going out with someone else. If she does, there's nothing you can do to stop her. So be prepared for that. Hopefully, it'll be a rebound and it'll end soon.
Sorry to keep replying but is there anyway to stop myself from becoming paranoid and checking her up on Facebook? When I talk to my friends online I always look across the chat bar to see if she's online.
You can try to stay away from facebook altogether. If it's too hard to stop yourself, you can block her or unfriend her. It's not rude. Whenever you contact her later on, you can tell her why you removed her from facebook and if she's a sane person, she'll understand.
Hey Kevin, my ex just broke up with me today, i have been dating her for around 14 months and it was a really great time, we even surpassed a 3 months distance relationship, after which i moved to korea for her. which i not regret doing even if i might not get back with her, so luckily i have not done any of the mistakes you mentioned, besides maybe while talking that she wants to break up, if she is sure that i can not do anything to change her feelings. she said of course no, and i left at that no begging etc. so the reason she gave me to break up is that she just lost her feelings for me, which i cant believe so much is true because two days ago she still told me how much she loves me and stuff. so i have no plans to contact her, before reading your website i already decided that, because i did that mistake once before, with a different girl. the girl i did the mistake was an hastly i just want my ex back case, so i decided to take some time to see if i really want her back, but i kinda thought rationally about it already know which mistakes i made and which cons she has. so after the no contact period i am planning to contact her again. hearing these fact how high do you think my chances are?
ps. she is really busy she is in her last semester of university and is having a couple of job interviews these days too, my guess would be that she just has a lot of stress and might has done an overly hastly reaction. i would like your thoughts on this tho
hope to hear from you soon. Nik
You have a good chance. All the best!
Hi Kevin. Just want to say that I have not been so fortunate in getting my ex boyfriend back. I tried the no contact thing and ended up not calling him on his birthday last November. I've made contact with him about 2 weeks ago and I basically told him that I want to give us another try. He said that he also missed me. Then, he told me that he was very hurt for me not calling him on his birthday and then got into his car and drove over 7ookm to marry a woman who he was (or always have been) in a relationship with. I am still devastated about his marriage.
Hey Rozelle,
This guy got married to someone else just because you didn't wish him on his birthday. He broke up with you and you had every right to not contact, since you wanted your space. I think he is really immature and you are better off without him.
Kevin,
I've made what seems like every mistake in the book. Drunk calls, hopeless messages you name it. My girlfriend left me about a month ago after almost a year together and has maintained constant contact with me. She is adamant about staying as friends. She has shown no intention of getting back but when I posted a picture of me with another girl she freaked out with jealousy and told me she was thinking about getting back, but now there is no way. I still want her back, but it seems like she has changed a lot and I don't see her feeling the way she did...which abruptly seemed to stop.
And to make things more difficult valentines day is this week and idk if I should do something special because she knows that I still care...but I want to send a message by not doing anything. (She ignored our anniversary because we were broken up)
Please help!
Pete
Don't do anything on Valentine's day unless you are absolutely sure she wants to get back together.
That's what I was thinking (after reading your valentines day article). I'm picturing a lonely valentines day for her, and in a sadistic fashion that's all I want to give her. As much as I want to keep confessing my love to her she seems to grow colder and colder as I do that.
Your advice that still doesn't exactly help me. Let me give a little more context. So she broke it off over our winter break from college she broke it off with me a couple of days before New Years. And all she did was point out all of the negative things about me and amplify them. She told me that she always wants me in her life because I'm special to her and I will always have "a special place in her heart." But other than that she has grown very cold towards me.
Now let me back track. She is one year younger than me and we have had a special bond since the moment we laid eyes on each other, four years ago. We had a thing throughout highschool and I was always there for her even when I left to go to college.
She made me a "box" of meaningful items and postcards that she gave to me right before I went to school. And it was crazy to me at that point, this crazy girl in crazy love with me and it meant little to me in the moment. I went away to school and hooked up with other girls but as cool as it was, I eventually realized that it was only her I wanted.
So we started dating midway through my freshman year of college, over my winter break last year.
Now a lot has happened and I know you cannot understand or see all of what has happened but she still contacts me with enthusiasm and excitement. But I have already spilled my heart out only to get nothing back.
She even went to the same college as me! But now she just flaunts how much she enjoys being single even though I know she doesn't want any other guy and is not seeking another relationship at the moment.
I have seen her multiple time since we've been back at school and we click like we always used to.
But she seems sad and withdrawn when I don't talk to her and even posts stuff about wishing she went to another school, which I ignore.
I don't even know Kevin, I mean I'm not going to contact her on valentines day but what then?
Does she have other problems or sadness in her life that she associates with me?
Can I even get her back at this point?
Should I even try to be patient anymore , maybe with no contact or should I just move on?
Pete
Hey Pete,
It could be The GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). She might be thinking of jumping in the dating game again, while keeping you as a backup. Perhaps, that's why she freaked out when she saw your picture with another girl. Or it could be that she just wanted a break from the relationship and wanted to be single for a while. She is young and she is not sure what she wants in life. There could be a million reasons for her irrational behavior.
Like I mentioned in the beginning of the article, there's no guarantee that you'll get her back. You can just increase your chances. And pouring your heart out to her will only decrease your chances. If you stay in touch with her and let her feel like that she still has you in her life, she will never really face the reality that she might lose you forever.
I'll still recommend you to just follow the plan. In fact, give no contact 60 days. Hopefully, by the end of no contact, she'll be more clear about what she wants in life and you'll be in a better position to decide whether or not you should move on.
Hi Kevin,
I was seeing this guy for about 5 months and everything seemed fine, or so I thought. When one day out of the blue he ended things between us saying he met someone else, I was completely shattered. He told me it wasn't about this girl or me but there were some issues he had, mainly our age difference(im 23, he's 35). In a nutshell he wants to settle down and start a family and assumed that I am not interested in that type of relationship yet. The girl he apparently "just met" is 30 and moved in within a couple weeks, maybe even sooner, after he ended things with me. I havent contacted him or anything since the day he ended it, except one day about a month or two after I actually accidentally ran into them together at an obscure store. I only saw the back of him and didnt think he saw me so I tried to avoid being seen while I waited for my purchase. He must have seen me before I saw him because he found a way to intentionally walk into my view without her and catch my eye. We talked briefly and he seemed awkward around me and ended up giving me a 'bro tap' on the shoulder before I left. Since he ended things I focused a lot on myself, started working out more, tried getting out more and open to meeting new people and I really felt I was in a good place regarding him and moving on but out of the blue he texted me on Christmas morning which completely caught me off guard as I never expected to hear from him, or that our short conversation would have him saying he "thinks about me often" and he even brought into the conversation a small suggestive inside joke we used to text about a lot. I know he is still with this girl though and they still live together which is probably why it took me by surprise. But it made me look back and think a lot and I know he didnt give us the chance we deserve and I know we can be so great together. Aside from Christmas day I didnt talk to him until New Years I wished him a happy New Year because I was still frazzled from his text on Christmas but that was it. Havent talked to or seen him since. It has now been about 6 months since things between us ended and I know him and I together deserve a chance but I don't know what to do now. His birthday is coming up in a month and I was thinking of texting him then, maybe open up a channel of communication, but I know there is absolutely no way I could be just his friend.
Hey Darla,
Yes, open up communications with him. Start texting more often and try having more fun with texts. Inside jokes are great for this. If it's going well, ask him to meet you. But don't become the other women and make sure you don't sleep with him until he commits.
Addendum:
When he called and said he missed cuddling with me, I said that what he said was very sweet and missed that too. Then nothing. Crickets.
I've been moving forward with my life, but as I pour more energy into myself and my career, the trajectory takes me further away from him geographically and that worries me. He has been on ever online dating website available since the week of the break-up, so I do not in any way owe him this consideration. But love can make us kind fools even when we know we shouldn't be.
Worst case scenario, I get a conversation and closure, like two adults. Best case scenario, we work through this as the team we imagined ourselves to be. I just want to know what is going on, what all this back and forth nonsense means, and where this is going. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much!
~ M
Hi Kevin,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend and have been missing her a lot. I made a huge mistake in meeting up with her two days ago and going shopping which lead to me sleeping with her at my place later on. While she was here, she hurt me a lot by saying all these nice things about her new boyfriend. I made all of the mistakes above (calling, texting, begging, offered to change my entire self for her and give up everything she wants me to, etc). Every other day or so she texts and calls, I respond, then the next day she does not contact. Is it possible that she is getting revenge on how bad I hurt her when I broke up with her? I can admit some mistakes I made in the relationship and I did treat her badly at times. She texted and called me tonight but I did not pick up. I can do the no contact but I am just so afraid she will eventually give up and make an ultimate decision for the new guy. Her and I have 8+ months of history together and I want her back. I just wanted to say that I feel threatened about the new guy since she said all these great things about him.
Thank you,
Michael
Hey,
No contact is still your best chance. You have a history of 8 months, one month of no contact will not make her forget you.
Hey,
I followed all the steps and betterd myself, got my act together. So I finished all this and she is still on the rebound relationship. Its been like a month and a few days of no contact, and she still hasn't noticed me, what should I do?, keep on no contact?
Contact her using the letter. You can also send her an email.
Not sure if sending the letter is a good idea, we study in the same small university, so its like I see her everyday, I just want her to notice me (by the way, her new boyfirend studies here too) without being too obvious, I want to show her, instead of telling her that im the better guy, or that she can be happier with me. Im really not sure about contacting her, while being with the other guy.
Well, if you ask me, then she is probably keeping tabs on you and she knows you are bettering yourself. There's nothing much you can do accept post pictures on facebook and other social media. She might be hesitating to contact you because she has a boyfriend. How about sending her an email, accepting the breakup? It's very effective IMO. It'll open up communication between you two.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had a huge fight and then he just stopped answering my texts and calls. We had been together for about 7 months at that point and living together for close to half that time.
The fight was about careers. Not to go into too much detail, but my ex is very much a realist, focused on "living a certain lifestyle" and "having a certain life" for his future and future family. I get that. Everyone wants to have a certain amount of savings for their children's future college fund, retirement, travel, a nice house, no debt, et cetera - I get it, and I admire the "provider instinct", I really do. But some people are not so lucky. And if you have been in school as long as I have (multiple graduate degrees including a doctorate), there's no way to escape the debt. My career track has been "circuitous" (that's the kindest way to put it), due to my dreams of traveling the world as a member of organizations like the Peace Corp, USAID, and things like that, and I've run into considerable obstacles (and distractions...NGOs respond to crisis and conflict and I've had the privilege of being a part of many such responses, at the expense of, well, a few landmark licenses and certifications that could very possibly be my means of "bringing in the bacon") so, to my realist ex with his banker job on Wall Street and six-figure salary with an apartment near Park Ave., I look a bit like a hippie child with rose-colored glasses and no sense of pragmatism. We fought all the time. He tried to get me to change careers. I agreed and started the application process. It still wasn't enough. More fighting. He wanted me to apply for more jobs with bigger salaries, stay where he was, agree never to move - done, done, and done - still more fighting, still not good enough. He did not trust me because I had tried to do these things before in the relationship and fallen short (mainly because in my heart, I did not want to do them and was doing it only to appease him and allay his fears). He had no faith in me. More fights. More defending myself. More banging my head against a wall trying to make him see what I was doing - essentially changing my entire life and giving up my hard-earned dreams for him to feel a sense of peace - and finally we had one more argument and it was done.
I would like to say that amidst all this, he continuously said that I was everything he ever wanted or looked for in a girl - except for this one career flaw (words like "soul-mate" and "the one" were dropped). I helped him relax. I took away all the bad memories. I made him smile all the time and brought that special something that just forced him to slow down. The only thing was - I didn't make enough money and he was not sure I could feasibly ever get to a point career-wise where I would be able to contribute enough to the life he wanted for his future. We were great together. Lots of laughs, lots of love - and the good times were amazing.
The sad thing is, things were moving in the direction he wanted. If he had just stopped to breathe and waited another 4-6 months, he would have had it all - the life, the career, the joint income, the status, and most importantly...the girl. And if he had just relaxed and trusted me, we would have been able to attain all that without either of us having to sacrifice any of our dreams or desires.
So, a week after he stopped answering my texts or calls (yes, I broke the first two rules right off the bat), I moved out of state. It had nothing to do with the break up, I had a career opportunity in another state, and there were other reasons for leaving aside from him, so I just went with it. We hadn't talked for a week and a half at that point and so I texted him from the airport, said goodbye, and essentially all the things you said to write in the letter your recommend sending after 30 days NC (no mention of getting back together, acknowledgement of mistakes and hurt on both sides, wish them well, etc.) - the response was equally sweet, with the question of whether we'd ever cross paths again. The discussion ended with us acknowledging that we still loved each other and me saying that despite that, there was a lot of healing and change needed on both sides. And when he missed me too much, he should contact me. Until then, I wished him only the best. I got no reply.
A week later - Facebook message stating that he hoped I was doing okay. I didn't reply. I was promptly blocked (and I believe deleted). A week later, he wished me luck on an interview I had told him about before the break-up. We talked briefly the day after, random nonsense about some shows and movies we both liked. I then made the mistake of asking him why he kept contacting me. He said it was a "moment of weakness" that he was "secure" in his decision to end things and that he was still angry. So I stopped replying. There was no point. 24 hours later, more texts, more references to memories. I never replied. Another 24 hours - another text referencing a shared memory and inside joke. I finally reply. Nothing. A week later, again, a random text saying he hopes I'm doing okay. I said I hoped the same for him. Two days later, a text with a sad face and a phone call to just ask about my interview, see how things were going, and say he "missed cuddling with me". Then, once more, silence.
So, my question is, does he want me back? He's already dating, so I'm rather confused. This "on-again-off-again" stuff is really annoying. I deserve a lot more than to be placed on some shelf waiting, twiddling my thumbs as some idiot makes up his mind about me. How do I just get him to man up and have the necessary conversation so that this madness stops for both of us? If you love someone, you love them through the journey all the way through to the destination, not just the parts that appeal to you. He's not a bad person. We were really great together and I still see the potential for him to be a good man and we'd be a winning team. How the heck do I get him there? Has the process even started? Is it even possible?
Thanks for this great site and for the advice. I really appreciate it (as I'm sure many people do).
~ M
Hey M,
It think it's quite obvious that he is confused about his decision and his moments of weakness are a sign that he is struggling with his feelings. He is trying to convince himself that breaking up was the right thing to do, but in his heart, he misses you and sometimes feel that you should get back together. The thing that's keeping him from discussing his feelings openly is mainly ego. He wants to be consistent with his decision of breaking.
I think you shouldn't reply to him even when he contacts you. Stay like that for a couple of months and let him deal with his feelings. Hopefully, after a couple of months, he'll be a lot more clear about what he wants and you can have a rational discussion with him.
Hi kevin
me and my ex got first meeting lots of things were she told you are very gentle and strong i m very little of you she saw that i m more powerful than her understand this very good way that made her shocked she told a few times you make me shocked when she offered sometihng about friednship, i smile and say ok glad to be but she is confused much..but what to do in valentines day is there any special move a message or smothing else..
Read this article.
Hi kevin
Me and my ex dated for almost 3years, 3 months ago we talked about marriage an our future but he said im no ready for commitment but i think about it from now. and we were together for knowing each other more for decision of our marriage and we talked about that during this time but after 3 months he said again im not ready and you pressure on me for my decision and again we argue about that because it was very important for me after 3 years and suddenly he said i dont want a girlfriend or a wife and he didnt answer call from me after that i call him 2times but he didnt answer and i didnt call him any more and now its 25 days that im in no contact but he hadnt call me yet befor that in our speaking about marriage he said that im not happy with this decission but because i love you very much i do it for you but im not satisfied with marriaage. do you think that he wants to think about his dicission about future during this time or not? do you think that he come back? he divorced from his wife 3.5 years ago too.
Hey,
You need to give him time and let it be his decision. Continue contact for at least 60 days and then contact him. It could be that he has some bad association with marriage because of his divorce and he's scared. Hopefully, with time, he'll get over it.
Hello Kevin,
I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago and immediately went out with another guy the next day, thinking that this new guy could treat me better. Then I realised that I really loved my ex and that I wanted to be with him.
But by the time I went back to him, he was heartbrokened and he lost his trust in me. During the 2 months that we weren't together, I was being that clingy and needy ex gf and I guess he found it really annoying. He also did show me some mixed signals. Saying that he still likes me and misses me. Then goes on to say why he doesn't want to get back together with me or that he isn't ready yet, sometimes he would even criticise me. I can tell that he is very angry and confused. I have started the no contact rule and it has been about a week or so. He hasn't contacted me (or at least not yet). He said that he wants me to concentrate on my studies, and that he doesn't know if he wants to get back tgt with me or not. I'm afraid that he'll move on or that he'll realise that not being with me can be very enjoyable etc. What should I do?
Hey Lynn,
If he realizes that not being with you can be enjoyable, you can make him realize later that being with you is more enjoyable. In fact, it should be like that. If it's not, then you shouldn't get back together. Finish the no contact rule and make some positive changes in your life during this time.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I have no idea why. We talked about it and he said I'm the kind of girl he can marry but he's scared that when I go to med school I will leave him. We got back together and everything was fine and then three days later he messaged saying he can't do this anymore and he doesn't want to talk about it. I have 2 of his shirts and one really means a lot to him,it was given to him by his deceased cousin. How do you think I should contact him after the no contact period?
You can use the letter or a text message. It's your choice. Don't mention the shirt unless he asks for it.
Kevin,
I also apologized. And anytime I asked if we are broken up, he avoids the questions. Yet, he ignores me. So i dont know what to expect. Why is he avoiding the question?
Mel
Hey,
He might be confused what he wants. Give him some time, and this time be firm when you ask him. Let him know that if he wants to break up, you have the right to know. And if he just wants some time and space, you are ready to give it to him. Alternatively, tell him that you think you should not talk to each other for a month and then get in touch to see what both of you want.
Hi Kevin,
Wondering if you could help me. I never technically date this guy but we had been seeing each for the past 6 months until he told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend. We ended it but then two weeks later we started up again-- dinners,concerts, sex. Then he ended it again. I don't know if this 30 day rule could work for this.
It might work. He'll still get time to miss you, you get time to make some changes in your life. I don't really see any better alternative. Although, If you want a relationship, I'd suggest you make it clear this time and don't sleep with him unless he commits.
Hey my boyfriend and I had our 1 month yesterday and he broke up with me today. My mom texted him this morning when he took me to work. She basically said she didn't want us seeing each other because I have been going downhill since I've been with him. We had a party at his house last night and I got drunk but he didnt, although he did drink. He drove us home and he got my car stuck in a snowdrift. When my parents woke up this morning and saw the car they were furious. I told them what happened and then my mom texted my boyfriend. After he got that text he got out of my car at work and said its over I'm done. I Tried talking to him but he said just get away from me it's over. So I started crying and said please just give me a hug. Nope, he wouldn't. Then his friend came and picked him up at my work. When his friend picked him up i said to his friend please just talk to him. Then my boyfriend started laughing and said its over we're done. Now it's been 8 hours and I've texted him once saying my mom is sorry for what she said in the heat of the moment. Also I told him he could come over and talk if he wanted to. No answer, no nothing. I don't know what to do! I have wanted him for 3 years and i finally had it and now it's all over); can you please give me some advice and tell me if you think I can get him back. Also why do you think he was laughing when he said its over? Thank you so much!
I can't think of any reason why he would laugh, unless he's a really mean person. In which case, you really shouldn't be with him. But I have a feeling you are not going to listen to that advice, so apply No contact for a while. That's your best shot.
Ok so me and my ex been broken up for almost two years but prior that we were dating for two years .. after we broke up I hooked up with someone else,, first of all the reason y we broke up was cause he said I was to needy n I didn't let him breathe. So I tried to get over him by getting under some one and it happened a few times with people he n I affiliated with but he was more like assoicates. Now in between this two year we had got in contact a few times and he joined the army but I never saw him until a full year of not dating we went out ice skating n went for pizza and the very next day we saw each other and got intamate. At the time I lived in ny so he was out there and made plans to visit me . He spent a week in ny and a week in fl and in fl he started dating this girl n him and her were intamate . Now since he left to the army he contacts her cause of course it's his gf n me as well as if we date ....now he knows how I feel about him& I told him basically me or her n he chose her.... He says he seems that he can't forget how bad I hurt him after our break up since I moved on so fast. He says I don't love him because people don't do that to people they love and his gf now has not done any wrong to him.. But he talks to me all the time n ask for pictures n FAce times me . He says it's all in gods hand but I can't help but feel like he's never ever going to choose me idk what to do help me :(
Hey,
If he chose her, you should've cut contact with him completely. Whenever you give someone an ultimatum, you should mean it. If they chose the other person, you should disappear from their life completely. If you're not ready to do that, then don't give an ultimatum. Right now, I'll recommend you apply no contact until he returns. When he returns, meet him and let him see all the positive changes you've made in your life. Hopefully, that'll make him rethink his decision.
Hi Kevin,
My bf and I have dated for 3 years and he just broke up with me recently. He says he doesnt see me in the future and is not sure if our personalities work. He says he still loves me but he thinks I love him more than he loves me. However, during our break up, he could never break up with me in person and he would also say he was confused and conflicted and not 100% sure and he wanted to take baby steps. But over the phone or when he doesnt see me he wants to break up. His friends are also influencing his decision and in my opinion are not a good role model. They are encouraging him to be single because they all are and are basically telling him to go out and talk to other girls. During the last few weeks I have tried everything, from crying and writing him a letter to trying to strategically plan everything out and saying how things will get better. Any advice on what I should do? I have decided to try the no contact rule. It's just hard because I have lost my best friend.
Go ahead with no contact. It's hard but definitely worth it.
Hi, so me and my boyfriend of almost a year broke up about three weeks ago. Originally I had broken up with him out of anger at my mom then I tried talking to him and he decided he was done with me. I did almost all of the things I wasn't supposed to, I texted, I called, I was incredibly needy and desperate, all around it doesn't look good. For a few weeks he responded to me and just kept telling me he was done and we weren't good together but he still wanted to have sex with me. I drew the line at the sex because I knew I couldn't handle that emotionally. I did the whole thing where I poured my heart out and begged repeatedly for a second chance then I gave him like four days and after he still didn't respond I got desperate and went back to the needy texting. Is it too late for me to try this system and get him back? Our reasons for breaking up were all on me because I would pick fights and didn't trust him since I have severe issues with trusting people, but I am going to a counselor now for my own personal issues and working on myself, I just want to know if now that he is ignoring me is it too late for us?
I don't think it's too late. Stay no contact for 30-45 days and work on yourself. It's great you are going to a counselor, it's going to help tremendously.
So I started the no contact thing and like two days in he messaged me on Facebook and out of burning curiosity on why he could possibly be talking to me again I responded. We had a very brief conversation about some things that have been going on in my life. It seemed after he was done asking his questions he stopped responding to me. I made sure not to bring up the subject of our relationship or resort back to the begging, but I don't understand why he would do this? Like seem concerned then just go back to ignoring me? Did I just take two steps backwards and ruin everything by talking to him?
He contacted you because he wanted to see if you're still available for him whenever he wanted. And you showed him that you are. So, he lost interest quickly. Next time he contacts, don't reply.
Hey Kevin,
My ex broke up with me about two months ago saying that "she needs space," "she's trying to find herself," and "she isn't sure if she even wants to be in a committed relationship." We were together for a year and a few months. She's told me that she feels like I'm the one and she's never had feelings as strongly for anyone as she has for me. Also, when she broke up with me, she said that she was still in love with me, but she desires to experience the single life again, going out, talking to other girls, etc. She's also said that when "she's ready" we'll be together again. She wanted us to be friends because she still wanted me in her life. I was a good girlfriend, never cheated or lied... nothing. We've had our ups and downs, but nothing serious. Well, at first initial break up, I begged, cried, did all the "normal, crazy" reactions until the point where she would ignore me, but we always seemed to start communicating and hanging out again, until an argument breaks out about our relationship and me trying to get her back. So I didn't want to become her safety net and for her to think I was going to wait on her, so I started the no contact rule 9 days ago and on the 8th day, she texted me... to see if, "I'm doing alright." I did not respond. What do you think of this situation? Did I do the right thing? Do you think I have a chance to get her back? I am still in love with her too. Any additionally advice you could give me?
Yes, you did the right thing. Yes, you have a chance to get her back. However, make sure you don't force her to come back even after no contact. It's very important that getting back together is her idea. If it isn't she'll always have the same doubts in her mind as she had before and your relationship will suffer in the future.
Hey Kevin,
My ex broke up with me about 2 and a half weeks ago, the first week she'd text me and get angry at all the rumors other guys who liked her made up to make her try to hate me. When we bump into each other she still tries to flirt with me, other times she avoids me. Yesterday she took down our last picture together from social media, the others we both deleted the first day. I've lost 9 pounds, have gotten new clothes, talk to other girls around her, and seem very happy around her. Before we broke up I wanted to see a certain movie with her that we discussed, should I ask her to go with me as a friend to see it on Valentine's day or is that too early?
Are you already on talking terms with her and are close to getting back together? If not, asking her out is a risky move. I think it's a little too early.
Yes and no on talking terms really, one day she'll pop by to see me and flirt with me, other days ill look her way and she buries her head into her phone. She's tweeted, retweet, and favorited a lot of stuff about missing the relationship and stuff, so I don't know if that's a sign or not.
Then, I'd recommend you don't contact her on V Day. If she contacts you, answer politely but don't try to take it further.
Hi, I broke down with my boyfriend about 2 years ago, removed him from my contacts on the mobile, and on the Facebook. I was following your plan since a while but as you see after a long long no contact period. Now I think I'm in step 4 , but with some mistakes and very slowly, I called him and he called me back and we are talking as friends on mobile only.I asked him to send me a friend request on Facebook in a funny way but he replied that I will ignore or reject him. I know I shouldn't ask him directly but that's what happened any way. Asking him Out is not accepted where I live. We are not working in the same place any more. I don't know what to do next. Should I call him again? what should be the period between the calls?
It sort of depends on how he receives your call. If he is warm and happy whenever you call him, then increase the frequency of the calls. If he is cold, then decrease it.
Hi Kevin,
My ex leaves the country next weekend for 6 months to start a job on a boat. He said he didn't want a girlfriend whilst he was away. We've been separated 6 months and were getting on really well before he got this job... But I made silly mistakes along of the way of getting annoyed because we were getting on but not back together. How would you suggest I handle the 6 months? When should I make contact? Were currently on ok terms with each other, just want some guidance on what to do.
If you've already done no contact, then stay in contact with him. If you haven't then give it 2 months of no contact and then keep in touch with him for 4 months, and try to meet him when he comes back.
Hi Kevin
Me and my ex dated for almost 2years, we had real chemistry we were goodfriend befor getting into the relationship it was quite serious as he was the one to tell me he loves me first and started speaking about marriage things was going well for a long time and we were truely in love and I still love him so much but about 3months ago things has become so different he had stresses with work, finance, family etc and so did I amd we both became so frustrated that we started arguing about everything and anything, we always patched up and moved on but then after regular arguments he started changing he started becoming distant, unaffectionate and irriatted by me as I started becoming possesive, nagging and extremely emotional all the time. 2weeks ago we bikkered again and then we sat down and spoke and decided to start fresh thing was going great up until a week ago we were both tired and stressed and we just got home late from a family function we then slept together but whil we were being intamite he got a call on his ph from a female I didn't know when I saw he grabbed the ph and switch the call off I immediately stopped and asked who it was he said it was a work collegue and then I just went quite he got angry and said I don't trust him and that he was attracted to me and fell inlove with me coz I was confident, witty, fun and just amazing but now I have become possesive and jealous and irritating and I don't trust him and that his past relationships his exs was the same and now I'm becoming like that we had a hectic argument both said hurtful things and then he said he is unhappy I then responded that if that's how he felt we should just break up he then agreed and just left I cried and was completely heart broken coz the only reason I said that coz I was hoping he would not leave... We met the next day to talk and he said thing has become so bad that he don't think it can be the way it was I cried, begged and pleaded for another chance and he replied so cold saying I had a second chance and messed it up and now this is th result he said that I won't ever change and that this is for the best he feels that I am a nice person but its for the best and he has instantly lost everything he felt for me I asked him to think about it and he said he will we didn't contact each other for a week then last night he text me to say that he thinks that its best if we rather end things and that I should take this time to fix myself and that his willing to be my friend but doesn't see us being in a relationship again... I begged again and even offered to be a friend with benefits and he rejected and told me to rather accept it as I'm making it more difficult for myself as he has had enough of my nagging and emotional rollercoaster that I'm driving him away...and that he feels I'm too insecure, needy and a emotional mess and that I'm not the confident independant women he fell inlove with.. I started the NC from today I am broken as he is my best friend and my lover and I miss him so much I feel confused and broken and don't know what I must do I'm scared that there is somebody else but I don't wana do NC and then he mite think I'm not interested anymore and move on I love him and his my soulmate do u think there is hope for us I really want him back he made me happy treated me like a queen and we had so much in common just like a fairytale match our families get along and even our kids...I don't know what to do I just want him back but he says no matter what I do he isn't changing his mind he is so angry as he feels I am just like the rest and I don't trust him but I know he loves and cares about me a lot oi love and care about him too pls tell me what I should do please..I desperately need help.. Thanks L
Hey,
You absolutely must apply no contact. I know it's scary but it's the only way he'll stop thinking of you as an insecure person. And during no contact, you need to work on your insecurity and your self-esteem. Follow the plan, hopefully he'll see the changes in you after no contact and want to get back together.
hi kevin
i need your advise . I started going out with someone just after xmas , after id split with my husband ( no way back there, don't fancy him or in love ) . the guy I met has split with his wife 9 months ago and has 3 children ( no way back there either ) . the new guy suffers from depression due to his previous relationship. she wasn't very nice to him , putting him down etc, and arguing in front of the children , so they split . so he met me , ive met his kids, his family , everything in the last 5 weeks. and we get on perfectly when we are in each others company . there is a spark for us both in every way and there are no problems with regards us . however with him having to travel long distances to work, not being near his kids, and trying to hold down a new job and sort a new home near his children has taken its toll on him and hes hit a brick wall again and feels like a failure, thus hes now finished it with me , because he feels he cannot give me the attention a partner should, and feels hes spreading hi self too thinly. but he wants to remain friends and wants contact . hes scared deep down that he has made a massive mistake in finishing it , but he said he needs to sort his life out first before entering into another relationship . he was crying in front of me, holding my hand and everything . I feel hes making a huge mistake , but I cannot do anything about it . I feel that we shouldn't let go of this great thing and in my heart I cannot let go either . what should I do ? ive been messaging with him , but not seeing him . its only been 4 days since we split . am beside myself as its taken me a long time to find mr perfect and don't want to let it go without a fight
please advise
mandy
Hey Mandy,
Just give him space and some time. He'll eventually sort out his life and want to get back together. Even though no contact is not necessary in your case, I'll recommend it. It'll give him time to miss you and will help him make his decision. Although, don't cut him off abruptly. Let him know that you think it's better that both of you don't contact each other for a while.
Please answer my comment until sunday please :D my girlfriend break up with me on monday then i respected her and talked with her last time and said lets give eachother some time and talk face to face on next monday and if we dont feel same feelings like in the past we go our own ways..i was like a gentle no begging no crying and this attitude shocked her and she said me i was expecting angry attitude from you..but i paid a little more attentin before break up this was my mistake..reason is so open i m a very good guy on her eyes and talked with her in last one month about my money and life problems i was not the guy who decides about his life confidently and showed her a unconfident unpowerful man and lost shine in her eyes..we were together in over 5 years and we were very happy i was also in erasmus we could not contact very good and we could not meet for 5 months..we will meet first time after 5 montsh and i will be very confident powerful good enjoyable i will look like a man who can be happy without her..at this situoatin please show me a road..i will accept if she still wants to break up with on this meeting but she will be shocked when she saw me like that confident and powerful..
Hey,
Go ahead and meet her and hopefully she'll see the confidence and want to give it another try. Just stay calm when you meet her and don't try to push her.
Thanks Kevin
I read your message and motivated i will be at my best..i will not talk about problems i will talk about this week witouth her talk about passions, play some funny games observe her reaction..what is the best signal that she start to change me in her mind at this meeting..i think i m at better position then the other situations, right ?
Hi Kevin,
Me and my girl friend broke up a week ago and we was very close and went down hill very quick, she said she has lost feelings for me and it is completely over because I was clingy and soppy and younger than her, she sent me a massive text saying everything I did wrong and I text back accepting her decision and what I did wrong and we haven't spoke since, she is going away to New York for a week and I'm not planning on contacting her till she comes back because then I have a reason to talk but asking her how it went and how a lot in my life has changed, would all the steps still help with this? Thanks
Yes, the steps will help. All the best!
Me and my girlfriend started a 'break' early jan after being happy together for 4 months. I'd never taken a break before and was stupidly still contacting her, to which i was getting responses that i could tell i was annoying her. She apologised for being blunt with her responses after a brief argument. I've slowly since then thinned out the contact and only 4 days or so in to no contact now. I noticed she's started removing any evidence of our relationship from facebook now too. Advice please...
Ask her if it's a break or a breakup. Make it clear what she is expecting of you. If it's just a break, ask her how long is it and both of you should start contact. IF it's a breakup, follow the plan.
Hi Kevin
my situation is definitely not as serious but different. I had only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Everything was going great and he wanted to see me all the time... problem was he works 6 days a week. ... so on more than one occasion he ended up calling me to cancel because he was too tired or had to work late. . But he'd call regularly to tell me how much he wanted to continue seeing me and really liked the time we had been spending together. After a few weeks he called me out of the blue to say he didn't have time for a relationship and didn't think we should continue. I think we can have something great and would like to give it another chance because I feel like it was over beforeit really began... when we had the break up conversation he was still telling me he liked me... but didn't have the time to put me first...I feel we could make it work
Hey Mira,
Apply no contact for a while. Then contact him using one of the methods above. You can get back together but only if he's willing to put in the effort. And the only reason he'll put in the effort if he thinks you are worth the effort. And if you give him to miss you and make positive changes in your life (according to the plan), he'll definitely think you are worth the effort.
Im pretty sure now that the main reason he ended it was because his ex contacted him and brought up old feelings. Im not sure if they're still in contact or back together or what.... will following the plan still be beneficial and do I still have a chance to get him back?
Hey Mira,
Yes, the plan will still be beneficial and you have a chance to get him back. However, a person who can be influenced by an ex so much can never really be a loyal long term boyfriend. If his ex can control him so much, you can never have a good relationship with him. Think about it hard before getting back with him.
Hey,
My ex and I have been friends for 4 years, she's chased after me for the entire time. My ex and I have been split up for nearly a week. We were together for 5 months. In that time I came to love her very much and she felt the same way. We planned to get married but a 5 days ago I messed up and hurt her feelings very bad. She said that she could never forgive me for saying what i said, but what I said I meant differently than she took it. I said I was very sorry and chose my words poorly, she said leave her alone and I couldnt do that, I can never leave her alone after I hurt her, bcuz I never hurt her intentionally, always by accident, by saying the wrong things. I felt like I had to make her understand that I didnt mean it like she took it. But the next day she said we were over and she's moving on. I did exactly what you said not to do, I txt her and called her alot trying to get her to take me back. She went back to one of her ex 2 days ago. I asked her for the truth about why she ended it and she said that I was too clingy (true i cant help it) and too obsessive. That she didnt have the feelings that she once had for me. She said she felt like I was pushing her into marriage. I did ask her to marry me yes, but she said yes and started to plan it, she also started to ask people to be in it, which led me to believe that she wanted it too. I love her very much and would do anything humanly possible to make her happy. Recently I could feel her slowly slipping away, but sometimes I could feel her come back. She said she was tired of trying to make herself love me again. That she felt it sometimes but mostly no. This is the one person on the planet that I would take a bullet for, a thousand bullets, with no regrets, only to see her safe. I love her with all of my heart, I cant even imagine my life without her, no without her I dont have a life. Can you help me get her back, even tho she's with an ex and "moving on"? She does still answer my txts.
Hey Ricky,
You need to apply the no contact rule. And you really have to make some positive changes in yourself before contacting her again. And you can help the fact that you are clingy and obsessive. It's unattractive and if your attitude towards her is the same after no contact, she'll again pull away. Work on your issues, go to a therapist, start meditation, start working out, date a couple of girls, get laid. You need to change your perspective on life and your ex before contacting her again.
Hi Kevin, My bf and I broke up about a month ago after being together for 5 years. Reasons were because we kept quarreling over him hanging out with his friends and forgetting about our dates and that he said we just can't seem to communicate on the same level anymore. He said his feelings faded awhile ago but he thought he could work things out alone and never once tried talking to me about it to work things out. We have gotten a flat and have intentions of getting married and now this happens. Friends and family told me the fact that we are at the stage of spending our lives together and he can still insist on a breakup means his decision was not impulsive and it was something that he must have thought for long and hard. And I don't even know is there another girl because he have been confiding our stuff to her instead of me.
I know I was too controlling in the past and I have taken measures on how I can change to be a better person after the break up. But when we met up with common friends last week (day 14 of NC), his eyes were so cold towards me and he gave me the "fake" smile each time I talked to him (although I tried acting as friends). While I can continue to apply NC, a part of me feels the only reason he would contact me is to dissolve the asset between us. What should I do?
His time after office hours before we broke up was to hang out with me, with friends and for computer games. Now it's just with friends and computer games and he told me he's rather enjoying singlehood because he don't need to report to anyone on what he's doing and where he's going etc. Sighs. Will he even reached the Missing Me Badly phase of the healing period? He even kept all our momentos within a week after the breakup, he knows what went wrong where but he just said let's just learn not to do that in our next relationship and that we need to move on. What should I do here again? :(
Hey Tan,
What your friends and family told you makes sense. I'll suggest you increase the no contact to 45 days or 60 days, and then follow the plan. Try to get him back just once and if it doesn't work, move on. I know 5 years is a long time to just leave behind, but it's better than spending the next 2 years obsessing on getting him back.
It pains me to leave behind 5 years of memories. I really thought he was the guy for me when we shared similar goals on how we want to shape our future and lives together. That's why it came to me as a shock when he told me his feelings were no longer the same for me. I know I have to accept the demise of my old relationship before I can start a new one with him but there is just the house that we bought but not yet ready for collection. It will only be ready in 2 years time which was our intention to get married then as well. But now that the relationship is over, I'm afraid he would contact me during the NC period to dissolve the asset and this is what I don't want at all because the NC period was part of the plan to get him back and now before I even tried, there's no chance already. Besides, even if we have to dissolve the asset, I want to be the initiator since that would also tell him that I accept the breakup and hopefully let him miss me. But a part of him is afraid he would agree so he can now truly move on to a new relationship with a clean slate. What should I do?
Just tell him that you need space and time and you'd appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for one month. Better yet, tell him that you'd call him after a month or two.
Oh yeah i cheated while pissed off drunk and a bit cocaine.
Addition.
The morning i left for work i didnt her from her until sunday afternoon around 17pm. She said shed been out all night coming home 8 in the morning. Her phone was dead etc. But she was active on facebook because a friend of her was worried (me too) that something had happend and made and update saying "where are u, call me" she answered about 3pm that she is alive... also her friend nr2 wrote REALLY!!!?? to the update.. But she didnt answer when i called. Her friend2 is a friend of the guy texting her. Apparently she met up with them at the same place she met the guy who was texting that night. I dont know if he was with them at that night but it sure sounds plausible.. And this coincides with the start of the cold behaviour.
Hi Kevin!
Im here asking because i really want my ex back. It all ended when i admitted cheating and she threw me out.. about 1½ months ago. After that I was devastated, crying, texting like a maniac that i love her etc. Eventually after like 2 weeks i went back to her place to pick my shit up and we ended up talking about what happend for like 4-5 hours (her decision not mine) she texted me after that saying that she felt better but also worse.. She got angery with me on my bday because i didnt ask her to spend it just with her, but she called my (quite drunk) the same night and told me to come to her place. Time moved on and I went back to her place and stayed there for a couple of nights... we had sex and everything felt just as normal it could be regarding to the situation. I left her again and returned 2 days after to sleep over again.. But this time she was texting and chatting like crazy trying to hide shit from me. I know it was atleast 1 guy.
I went to work the day after and this is when she started acting really cold for days.. I went kinda into a depression and went out almost everyday with my friends drinking, and she saw this on facebook due to pictures, especially one day when i posted a pic the day after she posted a pic with her looking really cold and angry with a cap saying ai nt no wife y and hashtags with yolo, new time new struggle etc. I confronted her about the other guy and she said its nothing. 2 days after the confrontation she posted another pic on facebook in some guys apartment looking all sexy infront of a mirror (fully dressed though, outdoorsy clothes). I panicked and called her asking her wtf? She said dont asume things and we kinda talked about how i ruined everything i need to let her be by herself and let her talk to whomever she wants. I accepted that and told her i wont call about stuff like that again.
Same afternoon i went to her place again to pick up shit i got there. I acted calm and normal but formal. she was all jumpy and talkative, explaining what shes been up to all week and all about this guy. Then we ended up cuddling for 2 hours.. This wall on her initiation. Well the day after this i talked to a friend about cutting her off from facebook and he kinda agreed but i didnt wanna do it, i showed him the remove friend icon and he stole my phone and removed her. a few seconds after that i got a text saying wtf is ur problem, u removed me? I was drunk and started saying alot of shit like yeah its hard o see u being everywhere and fucking stalked her all night in desperation.
Well the next morning we had a talk and i explained the situation and she said ok i understand and told me to not call her anymore because she is getting irritated with me. i sent 2 texts the following days and applied NC after that... I failed day 3 of NC and called her asking 1st i need the last of my stuff. After talking to her i became overwhelmed with the emotion of wanting to know the states of affairs so i called a 2nd time asking if she knows what she wants to do, try to work it out or not? She got mad as hell, blaiming me for the break up, I need to man up and get a grip of myself.
Im 30 years old and been single all of my life i.e im a loser in her eyes and all I want is to get back to her because i got anxiety issues over failing things. I said its not true I love her and want to be with her, the response was that i should have thought about that the night I cheated. She also thinks im a complaining loser because i write facebook updates pushing myself to get better, e strong but also a bit sad ones. Well we ended the call with me saying I wont contact her again, ever and i said if she doesnt contact me its good bye and thanks for the time more or less. She laughed and said like heard that before. The problem now is with the clothes... Wtf am i gonna do? Stay on NC and let them be there?
Also she is saying that she wants me and she likes me but she cant respect me hence not being able to be with me again. She just doesnt trust my intention of getting back is real.
Now she is partying alot with guys and exes and stuff.
We are not facebook friends anymore but we have common friends so we can see each other and our profiles arent locked... Fucking facebook.
We are now 1½ month into this and last call was yesterday.
What do I do?
OK, first order of business is to make her respect you. And no contact is the best way to do that. She thinks you can't live without calling her. And if you don't call her for 45 days, she'll start wondering what's up with you. I assume you've already apologized for your cheating and it was genuinely a drunk mistake, so don't apologize again. And don't feel bad for yourself. Follow the plan, it'll work great for you. But in your case, I'll recommend No Contact to be around 45 days.
the thing is that we were only together for 8 months.. but i see serious potential in this and i know she does too.. is there even a slim chance for us?
Yes there is. Do what I said and you'll increase your chances by tenfold.
I think she is in a rebound now or something.. She is acting all ignorant, avoiding Facebook and removing updates saying she wants to go out and party.
The Guy i suspect looks like me and everything.
Its like total ignorance from her part.
Do I stick with the plan or? Feels like im really losing her now.
Hey,
I know it's really hard to not think about it, but try to understand that if you contact her right now, you are only going to look needy and kind of creepy. It's a risk, but yes stick to the plan.
Hey kev, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Actually she's the one who started. According to her, I dont do fun thing with he. She's currently seeing this guy who leaves miles away from town. We are still friends. We talk, but I want her back. The time i saw her, she cried. She said she still love me but not inlove. How can I get her back plz
Apply no contact for a while.
Hey kev, what if she move on during the nocontact periode. I'm scared to lose her
Hey Paul,
That's a risk, but a very small one. In most cases, no contact makes your ex miss you more. On the other end, if you keep on contacting her, she is going to think of you as a needy person and will keep on pulling away. So, no contact is a much better option.
Ok, thank you so much man.
I'll be back in 4 weeks to get some tips on how to reconnect and retart fresh. Hopefully you'll still be here to help.
Thanks again.
I'll be here. All the best.
Me and my ex were together for 9 months and friends for 6 months prior. We were deeply in love and still love eachother, she broke up 3 weeks ago. She sent some nasty texts after i contacted her a week ago. She finally revealed that she thought I treated her badly for the whole relationship.
She said she didn't want me to contact her for 6 months, and I said that as much as I wanted to contact her, I would restrain myself and wait. She has not initiated contact with me since the breakup.
How does this affect the no-contact rule? I imagine I'd have to wait longer than 6 months to make it seem like I'm not needy and don't want to contact her, rather than it seem like I had waited out the 6 months to contact her.
When should I contact her again?
Around 7-8 months. But you should really start dating and learn to be happy without her. It's just been 3 weeks now. Your perspective will change a lot in these 7-8 months.
I've already started moving on - but 7-8 months seems to me like that would completley allow her to forget me and find another partner. Heck, I probably will too by then.
She said she still loved me on the phone when I contacted her (she seemed emotional and confused). Could I just wait the 30 days, give it a go and then just forget it if she refused to meet up?
I like the idea of contacting her after 30 days. She will probably be in a much better place emotionally in 30 days. So yeah, it might work.
Hey Kevin,well i broked up on 4th february,now its day one of No contact period.I wont talk to her in any way for 30 days,I really love her i am her first boyfriend and i wanted to explain u what happend an whats the problem,i seek your knoweldge.Well i was with her for 6 months we got really in love after 2 months after she told me on one party that she really loves me now,i knew she meant it bc her best friend told me that when they were alone at her place she told her that she would never broke up with me.This girl has serious problem with bonds bc she has problems with her parents an she thinks bc of that that bonding with people isnt very good idea an that i cant change that in her head(she said that when she broke up with me).She first told me that she doesnt love me anymore an that she wants to finish school an be alone,well i think she lies an just gave the stupid reason to leave me.So kevin what should i do an how should i act ?
Hey, you already know what should you do. Follow no contact and give her some space and time to realize what she wants.
Ok,but after the no contact should i meet her ,after i see if shes feeling better an if shes ready to talk me because i talekd with her best friend and she told me that she will see how is she gonna feel throught this month an when should i act,so what do you think should i ask her for a walk(but not date,just simple face to face walk),i thought about giving her a present (a necklace with a little letter note in a box) which will remind her about our good time an the most important thing an thats the bond which we made together,because i think i should focus on that an open her eyes.I mean i wont ask her to be wtih me il put in the letter that i dont want to force her to be with but that i will accept whatever she decides.The purpouse of the present is realizing whats bond an how much did we admire it .I taught that i would win her heart again with that.
P.S
I just wanted to ask you if this is a good plan ,an what should i change.I just dont want to mess up things.
Thank kevin ,im grateful :)
Hey Marko,
I don't recommend giving an ex a present. The reason being it seems needy. Besides, it will seem like you are pushing her (by reminding her) to learn to have close bond with someone. And if you push her for the very thing she is afraid of, she might get scared of it and put her defenses up. I think you should just take things slowly because if she realizes you want her to come back and be close to you again, she will back off.
Ok Kevin ,i would just like to know how should I treat her after no contact period bc she will be normal after this period I know her ,i just want to know what's the best thing to do after that ,an what should I do to make her feel safe with me an how should I be attractive to her again .I want to make the plan so I won't screw up .Because I know what does she like an what has connected us .I can come up with another thing which will made her happy.I want to remind her of something which made her happy because i will make her attractive to me again, you said I should do that in step 4.So I'm just reconsidering what's the best plan to come up with .
Hey, if you make a lot of positive changes in your life during no contact, she'll automatically be attracted to you after no contact. You should just try to have fun with her, and take things slow.
Hey kevin i just wanted to ask you when is the time to strike .Because her best freind an i are talking an thinking about all of this which happened an i want you to tell me if its alright to strike if she tells me shes ready to go out with me to talk about everything?
If she is contacting you, then yes, it's a right time to go out with her. Did you complete no contact? And don't talk to her about getting back together straight away. Take things slowly.
Hello ,well let's get to the point .
Reason why she broke up with me is because I said some awful things to her an that changed her mind about everything including me an our relationship and that got her to lose attraction for me.She said to me on break up that she doesn't feel anything towards ,that it isn't about me but about her ,she also said that her opinion is that people shouldn't bond with each other and I can't change her mind ,an the last thing she said is that she wants to be alone an finish her school .My ex and I have mutual friend,that's why I know the real reason why she broke up with me.We will name our friend Bojana.
Well the thing is it has been 1 month an 7 days from break up and I didn't saw her from January 24 .I massaged her 2 times through February(on 10,28) i didn't got any response .First massage was about how I suggested to continue our relationship as friends and continue to hang out .She didn't reply.Second massage was about me telling her that something happened to me recently which reminded me of her (something funny which we 2 know),again no response.
Bojana and my ex gone out(2 weeks ago) and saw my best friend and when they saw him my ex was like :"Bojana are you serious ?" Bojana told her she has nothing to do with him an she didn't call him or something like that. Bojana said that he was passing just passing by and after that they just said hi when he passed by ,so I'm just confused why is she so upset that she doesn't even want to say hi to my best friend (Because if she doesn't want to say hi to him then I don't think she will like to speak with me right now ).
Bojana said to me that when they 2 speak my Ex says something about me an when Bojana wants to continue the story about me she says she doesn't want to speak about that and she changes subject to something else.She said that she didn't like how I changed during the relationship and how I was pathetic in the last months .
I've gone through your 5 step plan ,Relationship Rewind ,Ex solution program and Text your ex back .I learned what I have to learn ,I'm emotionally ready an my inner game is ready for contacting her an getting things done on right way.
The thing is my ex is 16 years old(I'm 17 btw) and I can't send her letter because of her current family issues(I was thinking about sending letter by Bojana but I don't know if that's good idea) ,and if I send her e-mail she won't get it because she doesn't go to her email box.I can send her massage by Tumblr(Social media where she spends time like people on Facebook )which is like e mail(But again I want to hear your opinion on all of this) .So I was thinking what's best way to contact her because of current situation and when should I contact her ? .Thanks :)
I wanted to ask you when should i contact her and whats the best way to get her to make the decision to contact me (because it seems to me that she is really stubborn and i just want to know what should i do(or together with my friend Bojana)to get her to think like that ?
Hey Marko,
I think you can send her a message through tumblr. Don't send her through Bojana. Also, I want you to consider the fact that she is young and girls her age are usually extremely confused about their emotions. It could be that she is still angry at you and doesn't give you any response. If she is not open for communication, then the only thing you can do is give her more time. I'll also recommend that you start dating other girls in case she doesn't reply.
Thanks Kevin I also reconsidered that but i also taught of idea maybe Bojana or my other friend Tamara who is also close to Her should tell her like:''You know Him as much as We do and i just want to tell you i think he is worth of a second chance becuase only person who I know and who wants to change and make things work is him''(BTW Tamara said that to me that she would like to say that and that got me to think so i wanted to ask you if this is good idea) I mean i have those 2 an i can really get them to help me so i can get throught to her.
Thanks ,Marko :) .
My girlfriend of five years kicked me out of our house after I was caught flirting with a friend and made plans to see her despite my ex not knowing and not approving. I put her through hell for five months, reassuring her, lying to her face. I spent two weeks begging, pleading trying to explain. She is now moving out of that house too. I no longer contact her unless she contacts me regarding the stuff I have to pick up from the house. She has said she needs time to figure out if this can be fixed at all which gives me hope, she also said to my counselor that she would need to see changes. It's been about five weeks since I had to leave, I'm still incredibly sad and miss her badly
Hey Chris,
I hope she does give you another chance and things work out great. Meanwhile, continue working yourself and make some positive changes in your life.
Hi kevin.
My boyfriend broke up with me 8 days ago. We were together for about a year. Our problem was that we were fighting over and over and over again almost every day at the end. The thing is that although i was a difficult person i had become very loving and caring at the end and i was trying so hard for us and even though i knew he loved me i could see the last two months that he was getting tired he was not the same i dont know i had issues. Also he was kinda lazy the last month which was making me go crazy since he had responsibilities as his university. I know he treated me very good especially at the beggining but at the end we got tired and i could see he was losing himself. After the break up,the next day i contact him few times with no response. At all! After 6 days i left a letter under his doormat and text him that i left something. He didnt answer. I never contact him again since then. I know he got hurt from my behaviour through our relationship but so was i as i was watching him being indifferent and selfish. What should i do do i have any aaaany chance of getting back together ?He seems very determined and also he is very selfish.
Hey Nina, it's just been 2 days since you didn't message him. Stay away from him for 30 days before talking to him again. And yes, you do have a chance. But think long and hard before getting back together. You both might not be as compatible as you think.
Hey Kevin,
My ex and I broke up exactly a year ago. I broke up with him for religious reason but I'm still in love with him till today. We were currently talking and catching up with everything until I said if we could meet up, he told me it would be inappropriate because his with someone now. 6 months ago, he heard that I was seeing someone and asked around if I was actually with or seeing that person. His obviously with his new gf now and I'm still sitting here in love with him.. till today I can't forget all the memories we've had because his left a big impact on my life and I don't want to give up. What should I do?
Stop contact with him. As long as you stay in contact with him, you won't realize whether or not he's good for your life.
My ex of 5 years broke up with me two months ago saying even though I am the ideal girl for him, he can't see himself marrying me because he felt that our communication styles are different and he loves me but not in love with me anymore. However the few weeks leading up to the breakup he was still being affectionate, did special things, told me he loved me etc. When we broke up i said to him i realised where we went wrong and hope that at some point in the future we can still pick up where we left things off and he said "you never know, these things work in mysterious ways". He had broken up with me once before due to similar reasons (he started going out with me 6 months after he broke up with his ex of two years whom he resented and was very hurt from it) and he said he wasn't in love with me at that point and wasn't ready for a committed relationship but then 3 weeks later during NC he contacted me saying that he wanted to try again and he did love me but was just scared.
I knew for the last 6 months of the relationship i started acting immaturely and instead of communicating to him what i want i acted like a child and gave him the silent treatment instead of communicating like an adult. I have not spoken to him in a month and have cut all contact with him and i deactivated my facebook, and i also heard from my friend that he's also deleted all my friends off facebook. We also didn't agree on a NC timeframe.
Is there still hope? I feel like neither of us have tried our hardest to make the relationship work, even after the first time we got back together....
We didn't agree on a NC period of time
I think you still have hope. When you think you are ready, contact him using one of the methods mentioned in the 5 step plan.
Hi Kevin!
First thanks sooo much for this guide! It has given me so much hope for getting back with my ex.
My ex and I broke up technically about a month ago, but I didn't believe that he was serious until this past weekend. We had been together for 4 years and had a pretty great relationship. We were extremely close and did a lot together. We were truly in love with each other. In the recent months leading up to our breakup, I'll admit that I was feeling bored and impatient with the pace of things. I either wanted him to express that he was interested in marriage or I felt like I was gonna need to start moving on. I was stupid to pressure him and then push him away when he wasn't reciprocating.
I told him that I wanted to take a break thinking that I'd be able to date and maybe see if the grass was greener not realizing that my nonchalant request for a break hurt him deeply. That night he tried to reason with me but I was acting like I wasn't hearing it. By the time I came back the next day to smooth things over he said he wanted to break up. For that month I felt like we needed space so I stayed away and went out feeling like we'd get back together. But the more I tried to go back to the way things were, the less interested he was. It started to dawn on me that the breakup was serious.
This past weekend after not seeing him since Christmas Day, he came over to watch the Super Bowl with me. Somewhat foolishly, I looked into his phone and realized that he has been talking to someone new. That's when things became totally real and I freaked out. I knew that I loved him and wanted him back but now I was like OMG he's moving on and he's serious. He had been telling me that we were done and seeing the texts with the new girl made it real.
I broke all the rules and begged and cried and freaked out and begged some more. I cried for 24 hours straight thinking I'd lost him forever. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to be with me and he sees nothing in me that would make him want me again.
For the past couple of days, he's voluntarily sent me texts asking if I'm okay. First day no but today, I started off a wreck but gradually got better. We spent most of the day texting like we always used to. As long as we don't discuss our relationship or breakup he wants to talk as normal.
I'm optimistic on one hand but on the other I'm terrified that he's going to get serious with this girl who he says he's known for years before me and always liked. That's my biggest fear. I'm having a hard time thinking about not contacting him. I know how he is and I know how he'll latch on to this new chick and he's a great catch so I know she'll latch on to him. He's so definitive in saying that we're done and that he wants to see what's out there. But I know he loves me and he said if it weren't for me asking for a break, we would still be together. Us texting is the only link we still have right now. Is cutting off contact really wise in our situation?
Hey Tamera,
Do you really think staying in contact with him will stop him from dating this girl? If so, then continue contact with him. But in my experience, by being in contact with him you are giving him the feeling that he still has you even if he starts dating the other girl. You'll end up becoming his backup.
Hello,
My ex broke up with me in October. There was a period of me begging and being a doormat, but that ended in about two weeks before I stopped texting him, then stopped talking to him all together (we're in a few classes together, so I saw/see him everyday). I did no contact twice after messing up the first time. We have now been texting and talking on friendly terms for about a month.
The problem is, I can't tell if he still has feelings for me. Right after we broke up, he pursued another girl who soon rejected him. But they were friends before and wanted to stay that way, so he had the opportunity to be all over her. He has definitely gotten better about that, and now treats her like a normal friend. But sometimes I think I catch him glancing at her, and I'm not sure if he's completely over her.
When my ex and I talk, he often brings up sexual memories of us, in a joking way I think. I don't know if he misses me, or how to tell if he does. I'm afraid he's still preoccupied by the other girl.
Do you have any advice on how to tell? Or how to remind him of his feelings for me?
Keep the texts going and stop worrying about him checking some other girl out. It's completely normal for guys to check out their girl friends sometimes. Ask him out for coffee or some other fun date.
Hello,
I was in almost a 4 1/2 year relationship and now he has decide to be done with me this past Friday. We have been in this grey area and a split for 2 months with him always pleading to give him a chance. About a week ago we had an intimate moment in bed. And later that day he said he didn't fell the same. So I asked are you done with me and I got the go around with you pushed me away and I pushed you away. So then I lost it. I went over and demand for the few big ticket things I had there and was not allowed in the house. He apologized the next more and left me with hope I may have a chance. And then I did a few things you specifically said not to do. I called, messaged him and pleaded to give me a chance. And all I received was text messages over and over I'm done, enough is enough, I'm not going back and the phrase but you don't know about the future. Which left me even more confused. So I gave him space and the following day he messaged me asking for information about my laptop, I responded civilly. And received a mean messaged this Monday stating that he doesn't feel comfortable in the area he lives in because he feels like he has to watch for me. Trust me I am not a stalking kind of person and we live in a small town. 6 hours after that messaged he sent another text asking to buy my laptop. I didn't respond for awhile and we had another civil conversation and I stopped responding. All of this is puzzling to me because if he is done why is he messaging me for information? And at that, I learned later he has been seeing someone for a few weeks. And I recall seeing her pop up on his phone while we trying to fix things. Is his new relationship a rebound? And what makes it difficult is we share a dog, that I am unable to see. I do not want to be with him because of our dog. I want a chance to work things out because I was an independent and happy person in the first place, and he was just an added bonus to being happy. I know I have to work on myself. Is there even a chance he still cares or has he really moved on?
Hey,
Firstly I just want to say I think your website it great and has some truly useful advice on here.
Its been about 2 weeks since I came out of a year long relationship with someone I was friends with for a long time before our relationship began. Pretty much everyday since we broke up we've both been texting each other and having short conversations when we bump into each other, but he acts as if he's happy and fine most of the time. I made a lot of the obvious mistakes to start with (reasoning, pleading) but decided to go ahead with the no contact starting today.. However, we had an argument yesterday regarding mutual friends and the reason we broke up was because of arguments, although we had a very good relationship and worked well together when we weren't arguing. I'm just unsure as to whether an issue like this can be resolved with the no contact rule? Could not seeing me or talking to me for a month really make him miss me, or would he just realise he is better off?
I also don't know what to do in regards to other boys. I was asked out by someone and told my ex this (as we were talking and I'm always horribly open) and he immediately said I should turn down his offer. Perhaps for him to see me out with others would make him regret his decision, or would it just push him away?
Thank you!
Hey Charlotte,
I think in your case it might be better to not date someone until the no contact period is over. And yes, no contact can make him miss you. The way you handle conflict can make or break a relationship. Luckily, it's a skill you can learn. I highly recommend the book "Non-violent Communications" by Roosenberg. Give it a read during no contact.
Thank you. I will definitely wait a few months before seeing someone else, but I have another issue. Throughout the duration of our relationship we always agreed we'd be friends no matter what, as we share friends and see each other around a lot.. Since coming across this site I've stopped my clingy behavior, and stopped being needy and become more indepdant, however I think he has sensed this and is continuously texting me. I'm unsure whether to ignore him, or to tell him straight that I just need space, although if I did that after the no contact he may feel betrayed by me and not even want friendship from me, which ultimately would make the whole thing worse. Will check out the book!
How will he feel betrayed if you tell him that you need some space and time? You need space and time for yourself? ?If that's the case, didn't he betray you by breaking your heart and leaving you? And yet, you still want to be with him.
Just let him know in a calm and rational manner that you need some time on your own. I think he'll understand.
Hey Kevin,
I need some strong advice here. To an unusually tricky situation.
I live in Sweden and my ex lives in Germany. She came here to be with me for a time and we had started to plan going to the next step. I was 19 when she came and I'm now 20. During her time here I didn't really get a hold of my life, I also didn't quite appreciate her as much as I should have. I was still living at home with her here and she had issues getting citizenship. In the end she left me. I begged her to stay and I cried my heart out, realising what I had lost just then.
That day was chaos by your list. I did everything wrong. The day after that I contacted her again. We had a bit of a fight and she ended up hanging up on me. I sent her a rose afterwards. And we didn't talk for a week. She came back and said she wanted to talk to me and that she had missed me. We had a long talk and she said she felt relieved after it and was a little dicey about what she wanted. She told me to contact her once the citizenship arrived. The next day she sent me a text, she wanted to show me a video. We had a short text talk she said during that session that she wanted to be just friends from this point on. The next day (today) the citizenship arrived. I told her about it in the most platonic matter possible, as she had requested. We kept on texting a bit afterwards, I made sure that she was fueling the conversation.
Since she left I've gone to a therapist for my phsycological issues (social phobia), I've started getting my drivers license, I've gotten a job and I've started looking for my own place. As I move forward I try and think that she will come back if I change. She says that she can't trust me anymore. And are afraid of disappointment. I was going to keep off her and come back slowly, but with the citizenship expiring in 12 days I had to tell her about it. What do I do from this point on? Since the citizenship will expire it'll take several months again if she'd want to come back later. It should have been a huge encouragement that it arrived. Thanks for any advice you can give.
Hey Jonathan,
I guess it's a good idea to stay in contact till she has the citizenship. Although, do not push her to meet you or look needy in any way. If she initiates flirting, flirt back. If she asks to meet, meet. But don't be the first one to make a move. Even if she goes back, you can still initiate contact and make things work, so don't ruin it by being hasty.
The situation just got more troublesome. I found out she started talking to someone else and she's been talking to him alot.
I recieved the citizenship and contacted her about it. But she didn't want it anymore and said she wanted to be just friends from this point on. The day before she met the other guy, I found out. So she was considering comming back, up until that point.
She continued trying to talk to me casually by saying just hello and asking how I'm doing. After that I didn't answer she feared that I had tried to commit suicide so I had to answer her. We talked on skype and it ended up in a long half-tragic talk and then we cut contact, she said she wanted to cut it for atleast a month.
So at this point I'm just sitting here, taking it day by day watching as she is online 27/7 on whatsapp. Late nights, early mornings. Always online talking to someone.
I feel like I've lost this one
Hey Jonathan,
TBH, I feel like that you're better off without her. You probably still have a chance with her (I think you never went through complete no contact), so you can try no contact and see how it goes. You can even try being friends with her and build attraction slowly. But in my opinion, it'll be easier to just cut your losses and move on.
No, the no contact is still going. I've kinda recovered pretty good and right now looking forward I want to stay with her and see what she wants in the end. I know you'll say I'm suffering from post breakup syndrome, but I actually feel quite comfortable with her as a person. And since the main issue lies within myself I would really like to give this a shot.
Thanks for the advice tho man. It really helps, I admire your dedication to helping people out. I'll just stay off her until she comes back to me, and try and apply your rules.
hey Kevin!
Your advice was really great and it helped me relax a bit and get my mind off things. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago but during those weeks i have contacted her... and i have begged and her stuff you said not to do. Before we broke up we decided to go to Paris together and we already bought the tickets before we broke up. She promised that she would go but then suddenly said that she doesnt want to. I convinced her somehow and she said "Ok i will go with you one last time. but afterwards I will never do anything like this again"
It will be in 10 days. I was wondering if I do the no contact period now... if things will work out? I know you said it takes a month but I just wanted to know... Also, I was hoping to propose to her... because in my mind I had a thought that I wouldnt make any moves... I would wait for her to hold my hand or hug me tight or even kiss me... And I thought that would be the best time to grab her one last time. What do you think? Once again. Thanks for your awesome advice!!
OK, it's a tricky situation. It could be that she is thinking a trip to Paris is too good to pass. Or she might be thinking that there is a chance of reconciliation on that trip. IMO, a trip can be risky since you'll be together all the time and you won't get the advantage of leaving on a high note (which works great in case of a coffee date).
But, it can also be advantageous if you can maintain your calm and confidence during the entire trip and do not show any signs of neediness. Proposing her is again risky. It depends on the reason she broke up with you. If she broke up with you because you were not ready to commit, proposing her is a great idea. But if she broke up with you because she lost attraction and doesn't feel she is in love with you, proposing her might backfire. I wouldn't recommend you propose her unless you are absolutely sure she'll say yes.
Well... The reason she broke up was because she said... she doesnt know where this relationship is going. she has nothing to forward to. and shes bored of the same things... she said that she wants to feel fresh when meeting her friends instead of having me at the back of her mind, she told me she wouldnt date for a long time... Few days ago i found out she went to a night club and it broke my heart hearing that she danced with a guy all night... and when the guy asked for her number, she told me she didnt give it because she wasnt ready for a relationship. but then she suddenly posts on fb that shes trying to find that guy. I asked her why and she said..." because, i gave him my fb account but he didnt add me. I dont want to date him or anything. it was only a one night flirt thing. But him not adding me makes him you know... mysterious"...
I dont know if im being clear or talking in a jumbled way... sorry. But I just dont know what she wants...
On the day we broke up I asked her if she still loves me and cares about me. she said "i do... and when im with u im so happy. but when we arent together i feel bored. i want to be free from this relationship which isnt going anywhere"
but... i thought it would be a great idea to propose to her for her to have something to look forward to in life i guess... but if shes slowly forgetting me till the day we go to paris... then i think she will say no to my proposal. What do you think Kevin...?
Hey Jin,
I don't think she'll forget you by the time you go to Paris, so don't worry about that. However, I don't think it's a good idea to propose since it's a very risky move. I think you should wait until you get back together before proposing. Besides, I don't believe you should get married with someone just to give them something to look forward to in life. Even if she says yes, I think it'll be for the wrong reason and you might end up getting hurt even worse in the future.
Hi Kevin,
I read your entire steps on getting your ex back. That I must say is the work of a pro. Thank you for that. However, as much as I will love to still have some form of relationship with my ex-girl, I am very skeptical if it will ever be possible.
We got intense into each other, I loved her so much before I knew I did. I will say she picked me up, I became her first and she was my first serious love though I am a lot older than her. I fell deep later into our relationship because I just got to love a lot of things about her.
For no reason, one evening, I wanted to talk to her and she told me, she doesn't like having talks with you. That was shocking and painful, it was through who I was she fell in love with me and through that same me, she hated something. But it was definitely something that was going on that she didn't want to let me know. It was something deep down her heart.
There we started to disagree, argue and according to her fight, I thought that was an exaggeration. Before I knew it for the very first time ever, she walked away from me. She never did that but she did. Little did I know she was on her way out literally. When she got to her place, she started to text me on why we haven't been getting along lately. Good question I said, but is that me? usually I comply with her and accommodate her wishes. Man, if I had known from what you wrote earlier, I would have prevented this whole thing from happening. But on and on it unfolded and got ugly. She said we needed time off later that night, I still didn't get this. Time off? I asked. At this point I thought she had me in the dark and I was pushing to know what she was up to in her mind.
She didn't want to see me but I managed my way into her, she became upset and again disagreement dropped. Finally she said, she think we should be friends at this point. I was so hurt but not surprise knowing that this is what she wanted all this time but just couldn't put it somewhere that could make sense. The reasons that follows didn't convince me but she said she didn't care.
The next day she started to break the news, pull down everything on Facebook. I felt like I was going to die, seriously. I did and said things that weren't right and it was all to my ruin. She actually made efforts to mend things and I blew it out of proportion. Now, I have no means of contact with her, she blocked my phone, fb, everything. She also asked that I should never send her a mail again all because she needed her space she said. Her friends, some wouldn't even talk to me, she even blocked some of my friends as well. I feel like a loser but this is my first time that all of this happened. When I see her, I feel like I will throw up. Not that I hate her but too overwhelming pressure within.
What is your take, I don't think she is dating anyone around. She is the kind who can live without a man I understood. I will definitely hurt to see her going out with somebody. Even the pain of her not talking to me alone is heavy on me. At this point I think she meant it when she said she's done talking to me. I thought I could get her to think otherwise but truth me told, she is very adamant and I feel like throwing in the towel.
I on the other hand is broken into pieces and this all happened almost two months now. No signs of anything ever getting better and healing doesn't seem possible.I need help. I try to do a lot of things just to forget her but nothing seems to be working. What is my take from this with your vast pool of ideas and advice?
So, I take it you haven't contacted her for two months? If so, that's a great start. If not wait a month before making the next move. I'd begin by sending her the letter. It could be email or hand written. Your choice. And then again stop contact for another month. Then contact her again using text messages. If even at this point she is adamant and doesn't want to talk to you, you should throw in the towel. But IMO, she is just angry because of the way you reacted and she will cool down if you give her time.
Hey Kevin, so my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 4,5 years together. I never saw it coming, we were in the talks of moving in together and all. Thing is, things haven't been so great the past months and I knew/know that and I can see why things went the way they did. But the truth is, he lost hope in our relationship and really stopped fighting even though he didn't quite realize it until the point where there was no return. But yes, I still didn't think it would come to this and in this way.
To make matters worse I've naturally done everything wrong, calling him basically every day, being sad, asking all sorts of questions about everything, trying to understand cause that's what I do - I need all the pieces of the puzzle.
To make matters EVEN worse I found out that he actually spent the night at a girl friend's house, sleeping with her - as in sleeping Zz, not sex - and making out, hugging and doing all the things that were special for us and it freaked me out, I called, we met, we talked, I cried and yelled "How the hell could you do this to me!?". Although I believed he deserved it, especially since he told me nothing (I found out by accident) even though I literally asked him about this girl, wondering if he had feelings for her, and that I was scared he did and would "move on with her".. Now he assures me it wouldn't have happened unless he was wasted and that it won't happen again but.. It's hard not to think about the two of them together.. And it's hard not to worry since they spend every single day together cause they study the same programme.
Now I read through the Relationship Rewind thing and it sounds very good, a good game plan. Thing is, I don't KNOW if I want him back right now, I do think we both need this but I want there to at least be hope for the future, a hope which he is determined not to share with me, and that hurts, that he can be "so sure". So I'm at least going to try the RR way and see where it leads me, right now I just need to get out of this emotional hell I'm in. And my main question right now is that yesterday we decided to have some distance but that we would see each other some day this week, I have some stuff I want back and when we decided this I still felt like I needed to talk and we made this plan before I even found this page and RR. So I'm wondering, what am I to do when I see him according to the Relationship Rewind plan? What is the best strategy? After this I will do step 2 and 3, but what do I tell him now? Other then that I'm okay with the break up and want to be friends and all that which Ryan said. Please help, I don't want to make matters worse and I want to ignite the hope for a future together, cause right now, I desperately need that hope. Thanks for great advice, I hope there's more :)
If you are just meeting to get some of your stuff back, you don't really need to say much. Just be cool and don't talk about anything personal. Keep the conversation short and sweet. All the best.
Thanks for answering. What we're doing is basically meeting for coffee. One more question though, how do I bring about the whole no contact-thing? Cause we agreed that we should keep some distance, but I shouldn't tell him "we shouldn't talk for a while" right? That would ruin the whole thing. I should be confident, not talk about his deal with the other girl, not about anything that's happened or about the future? Should I tell him I'm okay with the break-up and it might actually be a good thing? That I don't want to know anything about anything, cause Saturday I told him I did (if what happened with the girl happened again), that he should tell me.
Thing is, up until Sunday I was a complete and utter mess and I would think it'd seem suspicious if I just pulled a total 180, I mean, he knows me..
There's no need to mention no contact. Just talk about things unrelated to the relationship and each other's personal life. If it comes up, then yes you should tell him you are OK with the breakup. And there's no need to talk about the girl. You are just starting no contact, so yeah, he'll be a little suspicious. That's why you should keep it as short as possible.
Hey Kevin, me again. So the situation is this, I wrote him a letter last week, saw him and we talked and ended it kind of on good terms, agreeing not to talk for a while. However both this Saturday and next we're basically being forced to see each other, all of our friends are pretty much mutual.. It kinda ruins the whole no-contact-and-then-make-transformation-and-he'll-be-wowed-when-we-finally-meet-thing. What do I do? Thing is, I made up my mind that I did NOT want to see him or want him to come, but at the same time I do want to see him.. Should I not go? That also doesn't seem right, letting this keep me from seeing my friends. Any good advice?
Go to meet your friends. Have fun with them and treat your ex like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. As long as these meetings are not too frequent, it shouldn't be a problem. If you are actually making transformation, it'll still be very effective after the no contact period.
I have been with my fiancé for 6 years and we broke up a week ago. She said I don't make her happy anymore and doesn't think she's in love with me. She had a friend move in before all this happened. The friend is single, parties all the time, and is always being chassed by guys. Two days afterwards she started saying all these things to me. To make things worse I also found out that a few days before the breakup she was talking to other guy behind my back. We still lived together for a few days before I moved out. That was three days ago. I didn't say anything to her the day I was packing my stuff and the three current days. I'm starting to think did I do the right thing. I love her more then words can describe and I gave her my heart. I still want to marry her and have a family like we talked before all this happened. What should I do?
James, think about it for some time. It's just been 3 days. I know you love her, but stay in NC for at least 30 days and think real hard if you want a relationship with her. If you still want her back after 30 days, contact her.
Hey,
My ex and I did long distance for 3.5 years, but still intimate and intense. Honestly, more than a relationships we were companions, best friends.
He broke up with me 5 months ago (legitimate reasons that were heightened by the distance) did no contact then by chance of a business meeting I ended up in his, we hooked up but were on different pages. He was hurting and wanted me in his life but not in a relationship. We stayed in touch after but I finally told him I couldn't pretend I was okay with this. Around this time I also felt he was seeing someone because of his tone. After I told him I couldn't be his friend, he stopped contacting me. I then found out he's dating.
I might be moving to his town in two months for work which freaks me out haha - any suggestions? I'm doing NC right now.
Two months is enough for no contact. So you do have a pretty good chance of getting back together at that point. All the best.
Hey kevin,
I found this website very helpful and insightful.I went thru a break up, but I did the break up.For my situation it was something I had to do.I really did not feel like I was my best shape for him I didn't want to make him miserable.I had a lot of signs that came clear to me.Like him not calling me or texting me back when I was trying to reach him now this was happening while I was in the relationship with him!!.when we have sex it will take a hard time for him to get an erection..that let me know he wasn't as into me as I was to him..Now that I have basically saved myself from a huge decision that I was about to make, because I really don't think my needs would have been met.His would have, but not mines.Had I would have went on with my decision I know I would been miserable.that was why I made my decision to break up.But why do I feel like I lost?..Can you please answer that for me?
Hey Sherice,
You feel lost because you lost something. You lost something precious. And it's human nature to feel like this when they loose something. Even if losing that something was the right thing to do, you still feel this way. I guess you just need to give it some time. There are a lot of resources on the internet that can help you with moving on from a breakup. Search for them and I hope you start feeling better soon.
Hey Kev,
Long story short - my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago, saying she had never been on her own (true, she's had boyfriends constantly since she was 13 and met me when she was 16, she's now 22) and needs to find out if she can live without having anyone to lean on, at least for now, but she made it clear that we would definitely see each other again even though she couldn't say when. Before that she was always talking about marriage and kids, she even had decided what their names would be etc. I had been neglecting her for a while because of work but the break-up still felt out of the blue. I've followed your advice since then by doing no contact, working on myself and seeing a couple of other girls (who are fun but honestly just do not compare). However, a couple of days ago I had to text my ex to ask for some stuff back that I need for work, she called me and we got talking and now we're meeting next Friday night. During the call she was saying things like "you sound so much more mature" and "you seem like you're doing really well", which I suppose I have been (thanks to your advice!). Is it too soon to start thinking about trying to get her back and she's maybe just testing the waters, or is this just one of those break-ups that works itself out quicker than most? I don't want to move too fast in case she hasn't had time to do whatever it is that she thought she needed.
You have really helped me get through the grief and recovery process (admittedly for the first week I didn't handle it well, but that was before I found this site) and I'm certain that I want her back, just not sure about the timing... I would really appreciate anything that you can offer.
Thanks,
Sean
Hey Sean,
You already got a date, so go ahead and meet her. Just remember to be confident and happy. Even if it's too soon for her, she'll get the image of the "new you" in her head after the date. And that image will stay in her mind and work to your advantage. So, yeah, you don't have anything to lose, unless you declare your undying love for her as soon as you see her. Just be confident and don't give her the slightest idea that you are hoping to get back together. At least not on the first date.
Hi,
I was dating this guy for about 4-5 months and he broke up with me, saying that he just wanted to be friends. I told him it was fine with me but after a week I decided that I could not be friends with him since I liked him too much. I did NC for over two months and then I added him to FB with the hope that we can take it slow. But I saw on FB that he was in a relationship with another girl, and that broke my heart. I found out that he was dating both of us at the same time!!!
Anyway, about two months after the first contact, he invited me to his birthday party and I couldn't understand why he would since his girlfriend will be there? So, I decided not to go. I told him I had other plans and wished him a happy birthday.
Next week I'm going with some friends to this bar (was planed over a week ago) but I just find out from his FB that he is going to be there too.
I'm not sure what to do and how to act when I see him.
I would really appreciate your advice.
Thanks
Hey,
Just enjoy your drinks with your friends. Let him see you looking confident and sexy and think "why the heck did I leave her". You'll have to interact with him. Just be cool and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
Hi Kevin,
I've had a crazy encounter with a guy i met on the internet, I went to visit him and we had a crazy week of sex. But when I came back home he stopped contacting me, only answering if I was the first making a move. So I deciced to block his contact on every online apps, to see if he would have contacted me via telephone. But he didn't, so after 4 days I unblocked and started doing all the wrong things you described... I wanted to call him and begged a lot. He said he was angry because I blocked him and that it was my fault, but I told him that he changed since I was back. It's since we first argued about the "block" that we don't call and it's passed a month.. he's been ignoring all my calls, even when I used to ask him via text if I could have called him in the evening and he replied "ok", but then at night he didn't pick up. Is there hope I'll ever hear him again? I've started the NC rule for 4 days now and he hasn't called/texted yet. I wish i knew what's behind this! And are there hopes he wants to be back?
There's too much uncertainty to understand what's behind this. He's just someone you spent a week with. You don't know him at all. For all you know, he could be a spy working for the MI6. But yeah, follow the plan and see what happens. If it doesn't work, move on. Don't invest more of your time and energy on someone you don't know.
Hey, he contacted me after a long time and we started having a normal conversation. then he came down to meeting n all i want him back but i want to play smartly now please help
Well, take it slow. Don't be needy. Let him chase you. And above all, put yourself before him.
Hi Kevin, great article and very sound advice. I have a brief question. During the no contact period, would that exclude to going to marriage counselling together to discuss issues? There has been infidelity on her part and feel like I am dragging her along to therapy, so I think this may now be a poor choice at at cross purposes with the objective of 'no contact'. We are just about to seperate as she wants space, in her texts she says she loves me but space is the only thing she can think to do right now to deal with her guilt and regret for her affair. Would welcome your thoughts
Hey Dave,
I think MC can actually help if she is willing to put in the effort. But if she wants space, don't force her into counselling. Yes, it will defeat the purpose of no contact, but you can still benefit from no contact if you are not in touch with her outside of MC.
Hello,
My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke it off, but didnt actually say its over. For the first two years we were perfectly happen and in love, than after that this one year we things has changed towards him. He started acting cold towards me, i sometimes even felt like he didnt even love me or cared, but he wasnt telling me anything which he shouldve. Than things got more intense when he had a lot of problems himself, stress, and family problems that he was so angry and moody that he barely even talked to me or concerned about me like he use to. I havent seen him almost a month and it hurts me to much. I feel depressed and sometimes i wanna do revenge on him or even kill myself but i try to stay strong. I have done everything for this guy that no girl would ever do. So, i tried finding out the reason for him acting this way towards me, he first told me im having problems at home and stressed and he couldn't keep a gf or have time, but that isnt a good reason to break it off , and than i asked him to meet up with me he kept saying i will and never did to discuss whats going on with us he kept avoiding it maybe he cant see me face to face. But, he was okay to meet up with my sister and tell her everything which he shouldnt have because i was the one in the relarionship not my sis and he told her he didnt have feelings for me like that for a year now and he doesnt feel that spark like he did 2 years ago. Hes saying all these confusing stuff and i dont get what is the real truth. He first says he cant have a gf because off all thats going in and now im finding out he doesnt feel the same with me anymore and im thinking if u didnt feel the same why didnt u cut it off a year ago instead of still being with me? I dont know what else to do anymore. Im lost, hurt, torn, stressed. Please give me advise. Thank you
Hey Azniv,
It's very common for guys to lose interest in a relationship after a while. But the good news is, you can reignite the spark that he thinks is lost. Just apply no contact and follow the plan.
Hi,
I messed up. I had feelings for my ex (L) while I was in a relationship. I told my girlfriend (N) that I had feelings for L and it wouldn't be fair to be in this relationship if my heart was in two places. As a result we broke up. After about 5 months of soul searching I realized that N was much more important to me and mean a lot to me. N and myself started dating again and she agreed cause she still have feelings for me. After 4 months she break it to me that the feeling is dying. And don't wanna fight for us anymore. The break up was slow and painful and I could still see that she still have feelings for me. She said she just couldn't bring herself to trust me fully anymore. We were happy during those 4 months. And I didn't do anything wrong and have even stopped contacting L. I followed my instict before I read this and sent her a string of texts showing my neediness and that I will fight for this love even if she told me not to.
After minutes of sending her the text. I saw this page. What do I do? Told her I shouldn't have said it? Please email =[
Hey,
It's OK. The important thing is that you don't text her anymore and start applying the no contact rule from now on.
Hey my ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago after about 4 years of dating. He made kindof a small mistake when he was drunk and kissed another girl. I know I overreacted because I have made my fair share of mistakes and he (without question) forgave me right away. I know I screwed up bad by breaking up with him. We really were great together even though we fought it was stupid things that when we looked back realized that there was no real reason to fight about it and always moved on. We always figured out a way to grow from our experiences and our mistakes together. I want him back now because I realized that he really has had such a huge impact on my life and I want that to continue. We both still tell eachother we love eachother and miss eachother but he says we cant be together right now. But then will text and ask to hangout and will send me playfull texts and the. Promptly turn around and say he doesnt want to be with me. What do I do?!?! Help!
Apply no contact. Tell him since he doesn't want to get back together, you need some space and time to figure out your feelings. And then cut contact for a month. He and you both will be much more clear on what you want after the month is over.
Hi.
I broke up with my boyfriend after dating for just over a year.He cheated on me and is still with his new girlfriend we were in a long distance relationship. I followed your steps above and had no contact for at least 30 days after initially having broken all the rules and begged him to choose me. I initiated contact after over a month of absolute silence, didn't say much to him only that I was traveling which I was and that I saw a place which reminded me of one of our dates. I then went on to tell him I knew about his cheating prior to the brake up I just never said anything. His response was a simple ok. I'm terrified of texting back because I don't want to come off as needy. I don't know if this new relationship of his is a rebound or not considering we were pretty intense before we grew apart started arguing and he confessed about cheating. I have done everything to busy myself in the time, new everything and work is going great too. I still have very strong feelings for him despite me asking myself do I really want him back after all the dishonesty. And have decided I do, if I still had a chance. He responded very quickly to my texts unless this is just me reading too much into it. Do I still have a chance....even after nc he was not been the one to initiate any contact with me?
Hey Mary,
I'll respect your decision of wanting to be with him despite his dishonesty, even though I don't agree with it. Although, I'll still recommend that you wait another month and go on a few dates before contacting him. I'll recommend when you send him texts, give him something to respond to. Try to give a friendly vibe in your text. The fact that you mentioned the relationship in your last text kind of made it a serious text instead of a fun one.
Hi,
I just stopped speaking to my ex yesterday and it hurts. I feel like I'm going crazy.
We met over two years ago. We fell madly in love but both had suffered recent bad break ups and things just went downhill after a few months. We stayed together for a year, loved each other but fought cobstantky I feel related to fear and misunderstanding.
We spent another year back and forth playing stupid games and hurting each other. Countless times we both walked away and one of us always reached out. Stupidly, I always broke down saying how much I loved and missed him. On the rare occasion he admitted this as well he ran the next day and stated he did not want a relationship.
Honestly, I know he loved me and likely still misses me. But every time we start talking again I just get angry and confused as he pulls away as soon as things get serious.
Any hope there? I'm going no contact today after a huge display of anger and hurtful things said. I felt better telling him how he hurt me as I pretended for a long time things were fine. I was a doormat but he didn't treat me that way in the beginning. I just miss the good guy he once was and just what that back. After over a year of his indecision would it be wise to even reach out in the future?
I want him to love and respect me. Now he hates me as I've said some very mean things. I feel he will go on hating me forever, even after I have apologized and just stated I couldn't take being hurt anymore. I'm a great woman. I feel we are both losing out on something amazing.
Thanks,
Jocelyn
Great decision starting no contact. I know it hurts and you feel like contacting him but that's just the withdrawal symptom. You were so used to your ex that it's hard for you to imagine your life without him. But give yourself a couple of weeks and you'll feel a lot better. You'll be able to make a much better decision about whether or not you should get back together or move on.
Kevin,
My ex and I broke up three weeks ago. We had a wonderful relationship (laughed a lot, were loving and we had similar interests). However the last month we were together I was unhappy with current life happenings and he got stressed because he was about things going on in his life and we began to argue and both said things we shouldn't have. He couldn't take it anymore and said he's just had enough. I was expecting it but I said "is there anything I can do to change your mind?" He stayed strong to his decision and eventually left. I've been doing well but he's been contacting me in the last week and I thought it was okay to reply to him and we got really carried away, giving more compliments than ever, saying he's proud of my new lifestyle and sounds like he made the right decision because I seem so happy. We're in the same friendship group so I was pleasant when I saw him but we decided to meet up and it was great but then things got serious he said I don't want you meeting up with me in hope to get back together. I denied it, of course. He said he's still really attracted to me, thinks I'm an amazing girl and still cares about me as a person but insists that we 'clash' and can't see us getting back together. Do you think if I cut contact from now on for another month it will change his mind?
It's worth a shot.
Kevin,
I enjoyed reading your advice. 2 days ago, my boyfriend got mad at me and said he doesn't think we're working out and that we need a break. This has happened with him once before in the past. Typically when he gets upset with me, he refuses to talk to me for days or weeks and will not tell me what I did wrong. He has been stressed about his personal life (money, job, etc.), which I think exacerbates our problems. My problem is that I think I'm too nice haha. I am going to do the no contact and see how it goes. The problem is I am good friends with all of his friends and they are already inviting me out to their Super Bowl party. Would it be a bad idea to go? And if I did go, I'm not sure how to act around my ex. We also have a vacation planned in about 25 days with some other couples so this is really bad timing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
If you decide to go for the super bowl, treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Although, it'll be really hard to avoid the awkwardness since it's his friends. As for the couple vacation, if you can cancel it at the last minute, then wait. If your ex asks you to go with him, you can decide whether or not you want to go. If he doesn't ask, cancel it.
Hi
Im doing the none contact thing and coping with that. My problem is that my ex lives in a different country that I have now left. I cannot just meet up for coffee, it would have to be a flight to her city. That can never look like 'lets just meet up'. Any ideas?
You've to carry on the conversation with texts and then proceed to skype. Meetup in case of Long distance is equivalent to skype.
Hello,
My girlfriend and I dated for about 4 months until she wanted a break a little over a week ago. She said she needed some time for herself to think about being in a relationship because her guard is back up. She wanted a break partially because I was always worried about wing cheated on and worried about her talking to other guys because I was cheated on in the relationship before this one. Unfortunately, it took its toll over time and it caused us to argue a lot, but we were a happy couple overall. She says she loves me dearly and doesn't want anyone else. She said I will always be the one she wants to be with. But what I find weird is that she wanted to talk like normal and hangout during the break last week. Like she wanted me to be all sweet kind of thing because it will make her want me more? It will make her miss those sweet comments. I don't understand. Well last Friday I jumped to conclusions because I thought she lied about hanging out with friends. I asked her to hangout and she said she had plans with her girlfriends.
But come to find out, one of her friends didn't know about it. So i jumped the gun without knowing the whole story and texted her a bunch. She didn't reply. So I went NC for the weekend and texted her good morning today. She replied with "hey." But I didn't respond. I need help on what to do! She loves me a lot and doesn't want anyone else.
Continue NC for a month. Then contact her. It'll give her time to miss you and she would've decided by then if she wants a relationship with you.
Hi
I broke up with my boyfriend last week for a silly mistake, and he didn't forgive me for that , I still love him so much, we have been in a relationship for a year. When he said that our relationship don't seem to work I try to convince me that we can try and solved it. But he said he won't change his mind, and I asked he we can take a break from each other and then decide. Then I send him a txt telling him that I accept the break up and wished him all the best, but I didn't get any reply from him till now. And I still love him and want him back in my life. Do u think there is a hope?
Yes, there's hope. Contact him again after a month using one of the text messages above.
Hello Kevin!
My break up with A was almost 2 months ago, but the problem is that I was the one who broke up with him, because I couldn´t stand our situation anymore. Our relationship always had some ups and downs, because I started dating him just when I got out from a 4 years relationship (I didn´t have any feelings for the Ex boyfriend anymore, so the previous break up was not a big deal for me) and then I was projecting on A all the issues I had with my previous boyfriend, and I started having expectations that I shouldn´t have had. These problems made us break up and get back again a few times. We stayed together for 5 months.
So 2 months ago I broke up with A, because I needed time to get over all the expectations and reflections from the previous relationship and realize that I should have a life of my own. In other words, I needed time to stop acting like a crazy person.
Now that I´m feeling like I have realized all the things I needed, I would like to get back with A, because I know I can make it work now, and because I enjoy being with him.
I respected the No Contact rules, but we are in the same group of friends, so we saw each other a few times, but with zero contact.
I knew by a mutual friend that he likes me, and likes being with me, but he´s feeling free now that he´s not having any problems and discussions, any stress, so I´m not sure if he would like to get back with me, and I´m lost not knowing what to do!
I don´t know how to start a contact with him, since I was the one who broke up with him and since he´s a bit pride. (i´m a bit pride myself, but I´m open to try again)
What is your opinion about it? Can I still save this up? Should I give us more time so he can see that I´m not that crazy girl anymore? Or if he´s feeling so good now, should I move on
I think you have a chance. Just contact him and then ask him out. If he talks to you, he'll see the changes you've made and will probably want to get back together.
My situation is lil bit more worst. there is no word ,i dnt know exactly how should i describe it...we break up 1st time when our relationship was only 8 month old. then he came back and prove me his love and again we r together, then again we broke up when our relation was nearly 1 year old. it was happen because of his doubt, he doubt on me that i am flirting with other guys, but it snot true. if I say hi to anyone it is also a flirt according to him.so he broke up with me. then again after 2 months nearly he came with many conditions.i agree his conditions as i love him a lot and we were together. then after few months he broke up again with same prob.this time according to him we broke up before 6 months when he was in touch with me even 2 weeks back too. he used to talk to me but i felt something missing. he never used to call me regularly and after calling also he used to talk to me for 5 /10 mins hardly. then one day i asked whats going on. he said clearly u know we r not in that relation. i like you. i like to talk to u but nothing much. after that i did not talk to him. he called twice but i did not pick up the call. now i am missing him badly. i want him back. kindly help me what should i do?
Hey Seema,
You agreed to his conditions (became a doormat) which is one of the biggest mistakes you can do after a breakup. Like I mentioned in the article, he lost respect for you and left you again. Follow the plan, apply the no contact rule and don't answer his calls.
Hi, Kevin, I was really good friends with my ex for 2 1/2 mos. before we became a couple. And we were together for 1 mo. 1/2, before I broke-up with him. He went from texting me almost daily & calling me sweet things to becoming distant & not saying anything sweet anymore. It got me curious why, so that's when I began texting him every few days, but began not getting much out of him, except for a couple one-worded answers or just being ignored by him. He's 18, younger than I, and still in High School. So, we decided the best thing to do was to keep a secret relationship until he could tell his parents about me because I'm older and have 2 children. His parents are practicing Muslims, but he doesn't practice the religion because he doesn't believe in or like it. He felt that my age would be the prime reason they would flip, and wanted to wait until after he graduated to tell them. Keeping the r/ship secret was fun and exciting, at first, but then quickly made me feel neglected because we barely got to see each other. We NEVER spoke on the phone because he didn't want his parents to suspect anything. We talked for 2 mins., once via phone, but as soon as his mother walked in the front door, I'd been hung up on. So, our convos consisted of texting & facebooking msgs., solely. I broke-up with him because he was ignoring me & felt he wasn't putting any effort into the r/ship anymore, initially. I know & am utterly confident that he's not interested in another and that there was no cheating involved or anything. I never cheated on him or anything, either. We talked about moving-in together, marriage, children, he told me that I completed him & that no one understood him like I did, and he could never get bored with me, he was even the one who confessed that he loved me, first. When we were together, we NEVER argued or disagreed about ANYTHING!! We laughed and had such great times all.the.time. We both want the same things in life and I've never had a connection with someone this perfect, before. I believe he's it, the one person I've been searching for, but feel I messed things up. I realized that no matter what happened, subsequently, that the secret r/ship was the thing doing us under. So, I did & am guilty of the messaging non-stop & begging, etc., attempting to explain what happened. But I stopped contact 5 days ago when he said, "You're always gonna be my friend". I asked if he'd friend-zoned me, and he politely said, "I'm not trying to be mean" & "Remember, we're still friends". I told him I couldn't be just friends & unfriended him on facebook. He said, "Ok I understand. ..... good bye" Do you think it was the right thing for me to unfriend him & telling him I couldn't just be friends? I really want him back, and it's not that I'm unhappy with myself or my life because I love my life, self, and happy with where career is going, etc. I just don't want to lose someone, permanently, that is everything I've ever wanted in a man. Do you think it should be him to him to make contact with me? You seem to really understand the whole process, so any of your input would greatly help! Thank you
Hey Kristin,
First of all, I have a feeling that all the great quality you are mentioning about him and your r/ship with him were a direct result of being in the honeymoon period of the relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, but I'll like you to consider this thought. You have been together for just one and half month and you have no idea what type of a person he'll be in a long term relationship. You have no idea what he'll be like when you live together with him, and you have no idea how he'll handle relationship arguments, fights, and other million issues that come with a relationship. So, don't be too quick to judge that he is the perfect person for you.
As for you telling him you can't be friends, I don't think that did any damage. It might even work to your advantage that you've already set your boundaries that you don't want to be friends with him. Apply no contact for another 25 days. And think real hard about what I said before. If you still want to get back with him, then follow the rest of the plan.
You make a good point about being from the "honeymoon" phase, I didn't look at it like that. That's why I like getting other's perspectives, sometimes! I feel that that could be a small factor, but in combination with the real deal. He's a scorpio, and I don't know if you're familiar with zodiacs, but what I read is that they like to be the one doing the chasing. So, if the woman begins putting all of the effort into attempts of contact, they become less interested and don't contact as much, anymore. Because it makes the woman look too needy, which is a trait they don't like in a partner. (I've been doing lots of online searches) So, I feel like I know why he began with the distance. But aside from the zodiac thing, when we were physically around each other, we were inseparable. No arguments or fights, handled everything with grace, humor, or love. It was fantastic!!! I never felt so at ease/comfortable with a guy, ever, knowing that I could be my ultimate self and still be able to kiss, hug, and hold hands, etc. without worrying if I said or did something wrong. So, I feel like when we were face-to-face, we solved anything. But when it came to messaging on fb or texting, things got lost in translation, less than a handful of times. But some of those things would escalate. On top of that, that's during the time when I was coming off as needy. And I've already written him a letter (prior to applying nc) explaining that I felt that keeping our r/ship secret was to blame, which I still feel is the main cause of everything, no matter what happened subsequently.
So, I worry that, if I am the one who's supposed to make contact after everything I've tried to do, won't it make me seem even more needy and push him further away? Or am I supposed to wait for him to initiate?
I just feel that he's deeply wounded for me breaking it off with him and is scared that I would hurt him, further. So, he figured cutting me off would be the best thing, rather than risk getting hurt, again. And I didn't want to hurt him, in the first place. So, I want to be really strategic in how I do everything, to make sure I don't "f" up my chances.
Hey Kristin,
There's a way where you can contact him and still make him feel like he's chasing you. If you control the conversation and you are always the one to leave him waiting for the reply, he'll feel like he is chasing you.
Ok, so in 1 week 1/2, it'll have been 30 days of nc. If those texts you're speaking of are the ones you mentioned above, I can try them. If there are other examples, I'd like it very much if you could tell me how to view more. But anyway, I wrote a "rough draft" letter and hoped you could put your input on it: "Just thought of when you made me crack-up about the "trip to Turkey" in McDonalds. Your humor was always hysterical. : ) I have so many great memories of when we were together. And I pinpointed exactly what it was that caused me to incorrectly make my decision. It was my fault, and I'm sorry for miscalculating the real reason for the situation. I never said I was perfect and I never wanted to hurt you, one can only learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. I'm happy you were a part of my life. Hope you're doing great : )". Even if I fix any errors and send a revised letter, do I wait again for another month until I send any texts? Or? I feel confused because I feel like I've never quite learned the process of getting a person back. I've always done things the hard way and just pushed through the pain, thinking it was over for good and kept pressing on. But I've learned that in some point in my life, my exes ALWAYS contacted me, again. (No more than a year later, from each) And then tell me that they couldn't find someone like me, wished they didn't mess that up, blah blah blah. I just can't do that, again, because I really don't want to lose this guy. And I realized that I DO want to be his friend, eventually. So, if you can help me to be that again, I would be most grateful! Thanks : )
Hey Kirstin,
Wait a couple of weeks after sending the letter then contact him via text. If he contacts you after the letter (and chances are, he will), then you can reply to him and start sending texts earlier. Just remember to stay confident and don't show any signs of neediness.
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend were dating for 11 months until we broke up 3 days ago. On our third month we broke up and i tried no contact which worked out. But 3 days ago we had a fight and i said he lost me. He said he was glad that he lost me. I died inside and tell him i won't be by his side and i hated him. Later on my mom jokingly texting him and he said that he was physically tired because of work. Later on he said it was ''unfair'' that my mom said he broke up with me.My mom told him that we are acting immature and he said he doesn't have a patience of a prophet and asked if i was fine and i made her text him. And she told him to ''rest''. And now he is not speaking to me. I know that my mom speaking to him showed me weak and needy. Is he really over me? What can i do?
Hey Selin,
He is not over you. Apply no contact. Don't worry, I am pretty sure he'll forget about the Mom incident and come back.
Hi,
I was having almost 2 years relationship with my ex. the major factor is age differences. shes 22 and i am 28. She is still studying while im busy working. She keeps telling me she needs attention and i didnt listen to her. I thought she would understand. At one point, she has reached her limit and decided to take a time out. main reason she has started to be friends with her girlfriends who party almost every weekend and she said she kinda like it. One night she texted me, " i dont know what happen to me. at first it was us, not its me. i feel so lost and i hope this is just a phase".
During that time out, i have started to feel paranoid that she is seeing someone new. she keeps denying it and the last time we had a big fight as her friend told me that she has brought a guy to her room. she admitted it but she said he is just a friend.
a week later, i called her up and asked hows her exam? she replied very lightly but i asked do you wanna have a coffee when both of us are ready? she said we will see.
please tell me if there is still hope. i never heard or see she is seeing someone. she wants to get married with me this year but now she seems lost and confused. maybe she is thinking that i might be neglecting her again. i should have give her more attention. now she is not answering my call or texts. her friend has been telling her to leave me as i have been doing all the DONTs you have you mentioned above and she finds it uncomfortable with that. she keeps telling me i keep pushing her and might pushing her away.
what should i do?
Hi Kevin,
thanks. But how am i going to see how she responds? i believe that she is being ego. i didnt contact her at all for the last 2 weeks.
It's OK. Carry on no contact for another 2 weeks and then contact her using one of the methods in the guide.
Thanks. Anyway i just found out she activated her FB. and It appears on my friends list which i think she has been stalking me since i did not contact her at all.
How bout simple message in FB before valentine's?
Hey,
Messaging her on Valentine will make it quite obvious to her that you are interested in her romantically. So, it's risky move. But it might work to your advantage if she is actually interested and wants to meet you. So, it's your decision and I'm not going to make it for you.
Hey Kevin,
I have called her after 2 weeks and asked how is she doing.
She told me that she has been avoiding me because i am pyscho.
it seems like she has a new guy but when i asked are you seeing someone, she said no. but from her pictures, it seems like there is new guy and she has been staying with him at his apartment.
what should i do? thanks.
Start no contact again and don't call her for 30 days. Then send her the letter mentioned in the article. The wait another 2 weeks and then send her a text.
my girlfriend of 4 years broke it off a week ago. she stopped talking to me because i had lied to her about something and she was pissed. it was anything huge but she is making it out be big. she told me i had lied to many times to her and she cannot trust my word. so i let her cool off for about 4 days then i contacted her and tried to reason with her that she can trust me but she said that she has to go with her gut and its telling her she can't trust my words its just happened to many times. after we talked about our relationship then the conversation got more light hearted and we laughed a little and then i asked if she could "ever " be with me again and she said she couldn't answer that but for right now she can't be with me. which was difficult to take but i did and kept my cool so we talk for about another 30 minutes about us calmly and relaxed. then she had to go and she told me that she still loves me a lot and cares about me but she needs to find herself and let these lies go. she told me if i ever needed anyone to talk to i could call her and talk but she told me not to get my hopes up unless she said it was more then friends. my question is how to go about this and if theres hope for our relationship? keep in mind she is away at school but its only 40 minutes away and i always visited and she's not the kind of girl to talk to any guys or do anything so I'm not worried about that.
K, apply no contact and give her the space and time she needs. Then contact her again and see how how she responds.
Okay. I will follow the plan. Then only thing I'm worried about is if she starts to associate our relatioship with only the bad things I've done while I'm applying no contact. I've always been the one chasing so it's hard for me too imagine her swallowing her pride and taking me back. I feel like she's just going to keep telling herself all the bad things and none of the good things about us. Does this happen or am I just being irrational?
Usually, when you miss someone, you start thinking about the good things about them. So don't worry about that.
I haven't contacted her in a week and I'm not feeling better, I still feel as though she's just going to move on.. The longest we ever went with out talking was 10 days in the 4 years we were together. So not contacted her this long feels like it's over... I just don't know what to do because I feel as though she's going to move in so then when I contact her again I'm just going to get rejected. I'm just worried.
Well, I don't think she will move on in 10 days. Think about it. If you can't move on so easily, how can she? Maybe she needs a little more time to miss you, but she'll get there. One more thing you need to think about is why do you need her to feel better? Don't you think you should learn to be happy and satisfied on your own rather than depend on your ex for happiness?
yeah, you're right. i do need to learn how to be satisfied and happy on my own. i feel like I'm progressing and I'm not feeling as dependent on her anymore! i feel as though she would add to my happiness instead if be all of it. but, just a question, are there ever relationships where one partner tells the other "its over" and that they are "moving on", but actually come to realize they still want to be with them later down the road? do the ever go back on what they say?
Yes, I've come across many cases like that in the past 2 years. So yes, there's still hope.
Thank you for reading and responding in this time of need to me and all the other people fortunate enough to have found this site. you have great advice, i have learned a lot from you and deeply appreciate it. i will stick to the plan of no contact until i see a change in myself then i will contact her and see how it goes. thanks again for all the help.
Thank you for your kind words. :)
Hello Kevin, i finished with my ex girlfriend of two years roughly 5 months ago,my mistake to which i have apolagised to her , did all the pleading and begging to get her back in the 1st month , left her alone and eventually started talking again and going to see her and her 2 children . she said she wasnt in love with me anymore and wanted to be just friends , tried it but told her i couldnt do it as im still in love with her . started no contact in dec and have not heard from her since, about 40 days or so. ive made changes to my life , i go swimming nearly everyday and im trying really hard to improve myself as a person. we lived together for a year and half and was fantastic , justed messed up but we are all human and things happen , just miss her so much and i know in my heart that she is the one . i know i could never love anyone else , im 46 and she is 36 . i love her and her children and i really got on well with them . Do i leave them alone to let them get on with their lives ? just so confused as what to do ? should i just wait and hope that she says hello sometime in the future ? thanks for your time , Dan
Dan, give yourself one chance to see if the relationship works. Apply NC for 20 more days. Then contact her, follow the plan. And see if she wants to get back together. Promise yourself that you will give it one try and one try only and if it doesn't work, you'll concentrate on moving on.
My gf and I broke up last year due to differences, most her idea than mine. Out of nowhere she texted me last august to catch up maybe, we started talking again it seemed she wanted to get back 2 gether but she didnt, we last spoke on october i said I cant be friend with her, she said she missed me but she cant get back with me even thought she still have some feelings for me, said "i think i dont love you anymore" blah blah blah, we both went nc til my birthday she texted me, then nc again, until 2 weeks ago she texted with some trivial shit. I guess she's just fooling around. I still have feelings and I see there's no chance to get back together. Wish I could just completly move on but she keeps coming back and talking to me, the moment I'm starting to let go the moment she pops up again. Is there a chance?
Don
Hey Don,
I guess the best thing to do is to not reply to her when she texts you. I know it's hard when you still have hope to get back together, but in your case, this hope is keeping you from moving on when deep inside you know that's the right thing to do.
Hi Kevin, my bf and I broke up about 2 weeks ago after being together for 5 years. We had an argument when I mentioned breaking up in a fit of anger and to my surprise, he agreed. I was desperate and of course, appeared clingy but he insisted he has lost feelings for me. After not contacting him for 3 days, he wanted the relationship back because he thought we could try again. But after a week, he decided that he really can't commit himself because he's more assured that he has no more love for me. I was really upset and literally broke down. I tried not contacting him for 4 days but could not control (because I didn't know of this NC period). We met up and he told me he wanted to be friends for now because he has really no more love for me. I agreed to be friends. Since then we have not been contacting for 5 days. I'm really afraid that because he has turned back once, he will not turn back again. And due to some events, we might even need to meet up with common friends during this NC period. What should I do? Am afraid he might feel uncomfortable if I turn up for these events. I don't know if there is a chance that he still wants the relationship back because the one week when we got back together just assured him that I'm not the one, that's why the official break up.
Hey Tan,
He just lost attraction for you. You can make him attracted to you again. You were together for 5 years, so you need to make some major changes in your life to make him feel attracted again. Like I mentioned in the article, make as much positive changes in your life as you can during the NC period. It's going to work like magic on him when he sees you again. And be confident about yourself.
As for the event, if you can go, you can go. Just treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Don't worry whether or not he'll be uncomfortable. Think about yourself. Will you be uncomfortable seeing him? Will seeing him defeat the purpose of NC? (That is to work on your happiness and learn to live without him). If so, then avoid the events. If you think you can handle it, go and have fun.
Hi Kevin, do I really have to go on dates with other guys during this NC period? Because the reason for the failure of this relationship was due to me being too controlling and perhaps jealous of his close female friend which he ended up telling this friend about his feelings instead of communicating to me where the problem of our relationship lies. But the decision to break up seems like it has undergone some careful consideration as he felt his feelings have faded during the past few months, during which he has also often hung out with this particular girl. So I'm not really sure if he has develop some kind of feelings towards her during this period or what. It's like fading feelings for me + develop feelings for others + work pressure = break up with me. Am afraid that going out with other guys would mean that he sees me as I've already moved on and he can now openly court that girl or something. I really don't know what I should do now.
Hey Tan,
In my opinion, it's going to help you get some perspective and realize what's best for you. I don't think he'll see you as you've already moved on. And even if he does, he is going to realize whether or not he wants to lose you forever. Moreover, when you contact him after the NC period, he'll realize that he still has a chance of being with you. And he might want to grab that opportunity. As for him being with the other girl, yes there's a chance that he might do that. But, there's a chance he might do that anyways. If he already told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you and that means nothing is stopping him from seeing other people and nothing is stopping you too. IMO, dating has a little bit of risk but the advantage is gives you is worth it.
Hi Kevin, while I'm not confident that I can win him back, I'll try. But what I'm more afraid of is that he left me once (or twice considering we patched back once) be it because of other girls, lost attraction or work pressure, so what is to stop him from leaving me again? It's day 17 since we broke up and although I try to live myself as usual, I still feel a sense of loss. I may smile or laugh at certain things but I can't feel truly happy inside even though I'm not grieving (or crying) over the lost relationship. Yes, I may not need him since I've survived 17 days but I want to be together with him again. Yet I'm afraid of getting myself hurt if at some point he lost attraction for me again or due to work pressure. In a dilemma.
That's the thing you need to think about Tan. Do you really want someone who bailed on you so many times without any fault of yours. That's what no contact period is for. Whenever you two decide to get back together, you need to make it clear that you want commitment and you don't want him bailing on you every time he has a problem with the relationship or his personal life. You have to be confident enough to know that you deserve the best and if he is not willing to make a commitment like that, you'll find someone who will.
The no contact period is mostly about building up that type of confidence. That's why it's more important.
Hi, I dated a guy for over a month intensively, we had a great time together as we have the same type of humor, he'll cook for me, met my friends, he was the one who always texted me first every day just to say goodnight, We spend weekends together, he always suggested to meet and suddenly a week ago he told me "I need space, I want spend more time with my friends and family and I don't want to get in to a relationship right now!" I am 30 and I want to make sure I want this since I don't want to rush into a relationship and break up 1 year after". We went for a walk right after he said that, I was in shock since I couldn't believe what was coming from his mouth as he was the one who was intense and really in to from the start! He said it feels like we have been dating for 4 months when it only has been one. I told him do you want me to see other people then!? He said you don't have to ask me for permission do whatever you want, I asked again but he never confirmed.... We kept walking side to side in silence and then he grabbed me and said " Listen I am not telling you I never wanna see you again, I like you, let's keep seeing each other and see where this goes?". I panick so I told him listen you are my dream guy and the plan was to keep dating to see where this goes but now you make me feel like I am taking you away from quality time with your friends etc when it has been you who always suggested to meet. I said I know what I want and you don't want it so take care and enjoy your time with the people that matter to you and I ran away. I thought he will write to me and tell me I over reacted and will give me confirmation he wants to keep seeing me but now I am on day 7 of no contact! Is this over? Maybe he thinks I dumped him and that's why he hasn't written? Could he just be simply taking his space and contact me soon or is this all really over? I like him a lot, I cried my heart out and I miss him. I want him back!!!! Is there any hope for us?
Hey Maria,
If I had to guess, he is a little put off by your panicking and the way you reacted. I think, it was right of you to let him know what you wanted. But I am guessing you didn't say it in a calm and rational manner.
I can't say if it's really over or he'll contact you. But I guess the best course of action is give him another 21 days to contact you. If he doesn't, you contact him after that and see how he responds. If his response is cold and he doesn't seem interested, it's time to move on.
Hi Kevin
My girl friend broke up with me on my birthday claiming that she did not have feeling for me anymore since we grew apart almost four years. she was in Africa and i was here for four years. when she arrived she took only four days then she started changing because when she arrived, i wanted to know whether she still loved me and i pretended that the relationship was over. then she cried and asked why i brought her here in USA. from there on she ask me six months break which i did not take because we kept on fighting then when i went back to talk to her, she ask me to give her more time then finally she told me that it was over. I did not take it lightly and i became mad and i started suspecting my friend whom she was sharing some personal information and I started threatening them and she did not like that. i even went a head and told the mother about this guy and his personal life which was not good. then one day she called me and told me that "Philip you have destroyed everything now" then i asked her what she meant and she told me that now how would she take me back to her family after telling her mom everything . But whenever i told this lady to call me she would call me. after having a bad argument i decided have No Contact rule do you think I can still get her back i really love her.
Well, you messed up. But the good news is, no matter how bad you mess up, time heals everything. People usually forgive and forget other people's mistakes after a while. So yeah, you can probably still get her back. Just give her some time.
got it. Thx
I haven't gotten any replies. Not sure why
Hey,
I replied to your comment here.
Hey, so my ex and I were together for 2 years, the last 6 months have been on and off and we finally became official again about a month ago. We are long distance and it was good to feel like it was finally working out even though I went back home and we were far away again. We got in an argument a week ago and he ended up breaking up with me the next day, saying this time it can't be a break and for us both to move on and if it works in the distant future then it does, but in the meantime no talking. The problem is he is moving here in a week, but will be living with his friend. How do I handle this? Just follow the no contact rule? I already feel like his friends (who have been extremely involved in our relationship and cruel to me) have influenced him greatly in this and it's super frustrating, his brother even told me he would be disappointed with him if he contacted me again, which is so hurtful. I have emailed him a few times, the the first was nice but ended with no response on his part, the next two not so much because of frustration of being ignored and the last one I calmed down and realized it would get me no where being mean. He absolutely won't answer and is great at ignoring which is how he also handles conflict. I'm afraid I'll never get the closure I want or that there won't be a chance for us again. What can I do? I just can't see him being down here only knowing his friend and friend's fiancee and me and just not contacting me or responding. Thanks!
Hey Catherine,
Follow the no contact rule. And then contact him using one of the methods mentioned in the plan. Yes, his friends and brother are influencing him, but in the end, he'll have to decide whether he wants to contact you or not and the letter mentioned in the article is extremely effective in getting an ex to contact you again.
Thanks for the response, it's just super hard not having answers. Like I want to shake him and say this is your friends influencing you which is why we broke up the first time and were on and off. Because he realized that wasn't what he wanted but felt pressured. Even the last couple of months he admitted it was a big regret to let them affect us like that. How am I supposed to feel ok with no answers and then when the 30 days is up am I still not supposed to ask for any?
Oh and does the 30 days count since we broke up and haven't talked or since the last message I sent? And I am just supposed to ignore that he is now down the street from me instead of 9 hours away in a week?
30 days count since the last message you sent. Yes, you have to ignore that he is close to you and you have to concentrate on yourself. You have to learn to be happy without him and learn to not obsess over him so much. I know it's hard not knowing the answers, but you need to learn to live with that.
When you contact him again, I will recommend you take things slowly and don't start pressuring him into giving you answers. Build attraction for a while before you start talking about your relationship and what went wrong.
Help
My gf started ignoring me because she found out i was hanging out with another girl as friends and she blew stuff out of proportion. So what she did was just straight out ignored me for a week. I said something that shouldn't have said.
" Im tired. Do you want to end this relationship? when you are angry you are always like this! I got nothing but stress everyday i think about you i get stress!"
She then blocks me. I don't know what to do anymore. Is this salvagable?
Probably. I don't think your relationship is technically over. Give her some time and let her anger subside. Talk to her after that and see how she responds.
hey im sorry i forgot to tell you the reason that we broke up. when we started dating he never wanted to leave my side and i had no problem with that, he was on drugs when we met but i had asked him to stop because i love him and its only going to ruin his life. he did stop. about 1 month or 2 months before we broke up he started joining these group of boys who he never spoke about before but all of a sudden they are best friends, these boys are heavy on drugs and alcohol. i had asked him to stop joining them as it was putting strain on our relationship but he didnt want to. when we were together he used to lie constantly to me and do things behind my back. he eventually left me cause of a pic that i took of me and posted on fb, it was not a bad pic but i think he was just looking for an excuse to break up, he now cant stay away from those boys and sometimes tells me how lonely he is and what we would have been doing. what should i think? is there hope?
You really need to apply no contact and think real hard whether you want him back or not. He lies constantly and has drug problems that will probably keep coming back for the rest of his life. Do you really want a life partner like that?
hey, my bf and i broke up about 2 months now. in that time we started talking in like after a month or so, he says he still loves me and he wants to get back with me but he needs some time to sort out somethings that he is currently going through, i said i will give him that time but we still chat, we have slept together during this time that we have been apart but he is text flirting with other girls. he says they are just friends but to me it doesnt seem like it, he says now that he doesnt talk to them anymore, i did make some of the mistakes you mentioned. im so confused at the moment. does he really want to get back with me and is he lying about this whole thing bout him going through something. please help me!
Don't sleep with him unless he commits. Apply NC for a while and tell him you also need some time and space. Tell him you'll contact him after some time and if he's sorted out his life you'll get back with him otherwise, you'll move on.
How do you prove to your ex-boyfriend that you won't assume or accuse him of anything anymore?
If you try to prove him, it'll be quite obvious that you are just trying to prove him. The best way to is to actually work on your insecurities and your communication skills (there's always a way to talk about your concern without accusing or assuming) and it'll show whenever you talk to him.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years, most of it was long distance. He broke up with me 9 months ago and I want him back more than anything. He claims that the reason for the breakup was that his feelings changed, but I feel like the real reason was because of a lot of pressure from his parents. We come from different countries and cultures and they didn't want their son with someone of a different background and didn't want to accept our relationship even though they had never met me. I've been trying to do minimal contact the past few months (about once every couple of months) and I thought that was going fine. The problem is that last week my friend sent him a message on Facebook (without my permission) and told him that I still love him. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy. What do I do in a case like this? I didn't contact him apologizing for her behavior, because I didn't want to make the situation even worse. i feel like there could still be feelings there, but he is so stubborn and pushes his feelings away if he feels like it is what he has to do and I know he feels a responsibility to his parents. I just feel so lost.
Hey,
I don't think you can do anything unless he makes a move and decides that he won't let his parents decide what's best for him. He probably does have feelings for you and maybe you can resurface those feelings by re-initiating contact, but in the end, he'll not commit unless he is ready to face his parents. I highly recommend you concentrate your efforts on moving on.
I'm not ready to do that. I truly believe in what we had and I believe he is my future. I'm a determined person and i'm determined to get my life back on track with him in it. sorry
Hey, you don't have to be sorry. It was just my recommendation and I know how hard it is to give up on someone whom you are in love with. So, I guess you should just follow the plan and try to get him back. I hope things work out for you. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer you with the best of my capabilities.
Thank you. I know some people think I'm crazy and need to move on and so i get a little defensive at times. I hope it didn't come off that way. I will hopefully be visiting my friend in march (She lives in the same country and city as him) and then plan on moving there in June for a job, so hopefully being closer to him will help things out.
All the best!!
Hey Kevin,
My gf broke up with me in December.I decided to started No contact 2 weeks ago.We go to the same college,so we will start to see each other almost everyday after February 24,but I will complete 30 days of No contact in February 8,my question is,should I wait until she sees the new me to start contact?Or should I contact her after 30 days of No Contact?
Ps: She broke up with me because my insecurity killed her attraction for me.
Wait 30 days. Let her see you and wonder for a little while.
So after 34 days of No contact I texted her about something that reminded me of her but she just ignored my message,what should I do now?
Wait another 10 days and send her the letter mentioned in this article. Then wait another 20 days and send her another text. If you still don't get a reply from her, it'll be a wise idea to move on.
So my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up now for nearly 7 months. He was actually out of the country when he did it so the "no contact" rule automatically applied even though I did try sending a few emails to only get nothing in return. After he returned back to the states, he wanted to see me and hang out. We ended up trying to friends route and well, because I still had feelings for him, it didn't go so well in my favor. I finally backed off and stopped calling, texting him, seeing him, and spending time together. Over a course of 2 weeks he sent me text messages everyday and blew up my phone. He knew that I was ignoring him. After multiple attempts on his part, he showed up at my house. I did invite him in and we did talk. Lately he has been very loving, affectionate, telling me he is still in love with me, has feelings for me, kisses me, touches me, holds my hand, misses being with me, wants to be with me, but then he throws in, "but I don't want to be in a relationship right now!" So of course I feel like a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling so lost and confused. He wants to still hang out and be friends but I am worried that I might possibly get permanently friend zoned. So, questions is, what do I do now? What is it going to take for him to want to be in a relationship again? Is this a hopeless case? Should I let him go and move on or should I try the friendship route? Thank you for your time!
Hey A,
Don't try the friendship route. I'd recommend to let him know that you can never be friends with him and if he wants to be with you, he should commit. Don't give him an option to have his cake and eat it too. Hopefully, he will choose to commit, if not, be prepared to move on and cut all contact with him for good.
Hei Kevin,
I was in a relationship for three years with a guy. We had an on and off relationship with him but every time we broke up he would immediately move on so fast and i would always be the one to call him first and try to work things out. We had talked a lot about marriage and he had asked a friend of mine to buy a ring (we were open about it). I had met his mother and he has also met my parents. We however broke up 3 months ago and after 3 weeks, i asked for us to meet. He came but this time told me that he had moved on and was not going to come back.
I later heard he is seeing someone who he is getting serious with. I heard that they are even having wedding preparations. I haven't contacted him for 2 months and haven't told him that i heard the news.
Its possible that the girl liked him even while we were seeing each other but i am sure he was not seeing anyone while we were together. He was really serious about getting married.
Just wondering how he would get into a serious relationship so fast. And also if the NC rule will work since they r getting married.
Yes, the no contact rule will work. He is probably in a rebound and won't go through with the marriage. However, there's nothing you can do if he does go through with the marriage. So be prepared for the worst.
I and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 2years,he came back last December and asked for my hand in marriage when we start the marriage process we discovered we were both AS and if we proceed they are chances of giving brith to SS who will suffer tribble illness as we both are from Africa,both I suggested we use certain modern produres like CVS to check the baby before delivery he accepted later he called me and ended the relationship and said it was too risky and the chances of them dictating are slim,that is better we seperate that he will keep calling me from time to time to know how am doing,and if I need any help I should contact him,will NC work in this situation?
Hey Tee,
He has to realize whether he loves you enough to take the risk. And yes, giving him space and time is the best way to make him realize that. If he still chooses to stay separate after the NC, then you should let him go.
Hello Kevin,
Last week after 2 and a half months of no contact. I contacted him. I had just thrown my graduation party and didn't send him an invite. So after a few days i sent him a message appreciating his support throughout my time in school. He replied really quickly with a short message then i asked him if he wanted to have cake from one i was going to take for my workmates. I honestly didn't think he would say yes because he always said he didn't like cake but to my surprise he set a date to come n pick it.
On that day i waited for his call n he called me later in the evening n cancelled saying he was busy n wanted to pick it the day after...(from what i know about him i think it was intentional). Anyway i told him later that nothing had been left from work (it had). He didn't reply and we haven't talked since. I'm stupid to think that he intended to keep me waiting then cancel on me later? Also do you think i overreacted?
No, I don't think you overreacted. You can apply no contact again and try contacting him again, but I'll recommend that you concentrate your effort on moving on.
Atleast your honest. Thx.
My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after 8 and a half years together. I cried and begged. Friends took sides. He went drinking and posted photos everyday on social media post breakup. To protect myself I unfollowed him and block him on Facebook. I tried patching up with him a few weeks after our breakup but he says he doesn't love me anymore. My heart broke and I decided to cease all contact with him except for once in November when my mum asked him to check up on me as I went on an overseas trip alone. We did not stay in contact until recently in January this year, he would text me once a week for the past 3 weeks to return me my stuff, and to get stuff back from me. I really love him and I don't know if we still stand a chance together but I don't know how to go about to start texting him. I'm scared because I don't know if he still has feelings..
Tina, use one of the messages in the article to get back in contact with him. Remember, guys like the chase. Don't show any signs of neediness.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I agreed to break up in June last year as he was younger than me and we had different plans for the future. It was more my idea than his. However, we still loved each other and hung out like a couple up until end of September before we gradually saw less of each other. He would always tell me that he has never loved anyone as much as he had loved me. Or that if we met years later, our relationship would have been perfect. However, towards the end of October (about 1 month) after we stopped seeing each other, he started asking this girl out and now they are dating casually. They even went on a trip together in early December. He kept it from me but I only found out as a common friend told me. The girl he is dating is a friend of mine. We're not very close, but we would hang out sometimes. When I asked him about it, he told me that he doesn't know where the relationship with her is going but he just feels very happy when he's with her. He also told her he wouldn't get into a serious relationship with her until at least 6 months later. He was afraid I would be upset. He still told me that I was the girl he loved the most and he regretted letting me go but we have to move on because he can't give me what I want and now there's her.
I'm so hurt. I told him never to contact me again but he texted on new year's day to wish me. i only texted back 12 hours later. He's stopped texting me since. Is she a rebound? Do you think I can still get him back? Everything felt so sudden that he just liked someone else so quickly. He used to say that I could never be replaced but is he replacing me with her now? Please help me. What should I do?
I might just add that we were together for 2 years and I was his longest relationship and the one he always said was the best and most serious.
Hey Megan,
Yes, you can probably get him back and yes, she is probably a rebound. Apply the No contact rule and think really hard whether or not you want him back. Like he said, nothing has changed and you two still have different plans for the future.
Was with my gf for about 5 months. She was my first serious relationship and my first partner. I thought everything was good, we went from best friends and at a family gathering one day, to her breaking up with me saying she has been fighting her feelings for weeks and doesn't love me anymore. It was her first serious relationship also. I was blindsided and heartbroken...that day I tried asking for reasons why we cant try making it work but she decline. Haven't had any contact in 8 days. Please help, I want her back. Our situation is unique, with family issues on both ends that we both were good with and helped each other out with. Is this relationship salvageable?
You can probably get her back but no one can say for sure. Your best bet is to follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfirend and I split up 2 weeks ago, like a fool i have been texting etc and getting the minimal responses. However each night we text "miss you and love you" which too be honest is doing me no good whatsoever. She came round for dinner last Wednesday and we talked etc, but to be honest i think she is just playing mind games. What do you think the best approach is?
Thanks in advance
Brian
The best approach is always No contact.
My ex stopped talking to me. We were only seeing each other for 2 months but everything seemed to be going great. We were both so happy together. He bought me a toothbrush and shampoo & conditioner for his house, even have me a drawer. Out of no where he started saying things to me like "I'm no good. If you were smart you'd start running. I don't know what you see in me..." and the day after that completely stopped talking to me. That same day I text him as normal, but he never replied, the next day I text him a few times and called but never heard from him. So for the next five days I had no contact with him. After the five days, I showed up at his house and collected my things without trying to talk to him about anything, just "I'm here to get my things", he also didn't try to talk to me about anything. It's been 3 days since then.
Does this mean we are done for good?? Since the relationship was so young, is it salvageable? What should I do?
Natalie,
It's probably salvageable, but I'll highly recommend you wait a couple of months and date other people before trying to get back with him. You literally don't know anything about him and what he'll be like as a long term partner. Why would you want to waste a lot of time and effort in trying to revive a relationship with him. It'll make more sense in putting that time and effort in moving and start a relationship with someone new.
Okay so my situation isnt as bad and my relationship isnt as strong or as serious as all of the other commenters, but i still have faced a breakup and it is effecting me and i do need advice..
Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for around 6 months and things were going great till the last few weeks where he started to slightly act differently, and it led up to him breaking up with me abit over a week ago because he couldnt handle the distance and he wont be able to handle it for so long (we're still in the last year of highschool and wont be going to the same uni so the long distance would continue till after we graduate from university, but i WILL be visiting my hometown -where he lives- and so will he if he studies abroud)
After the breakup, We decided to still talk and be friends incase the chance pops up in the future.. And we have been talking- not the same way- but we are friends and we are keep intouch everyday.. Despite that, not being with him is killing me and i miss being with him so much.. He sometimes is off and doesnt show the love or gives me much attetion anymore and i am afraid that he will fully loose his feelings, i know it is expected but i really dont want him to..
I am considering the no contact rule since i have done a mistake or two that you have mentioned (acted like i needed him desperately, and showed him that i was not over him in long love messages) but i dont know if trying to get him back is worh risking the frienship too.. I know it would do me good to not contact him too.. but what if in that time he moves on? Should i just move on since its long distance? Or should i try and get him back by the no contact rule.. Im afraid of giving it a shot..
Also if i do it for just two weeks would that be okay in my sistuation? Because im afraid when we go back to talking afterwards, it might be awkward, or he might be mad at me for ignoring him.. Should i be obvious that i am ignoring him? Or should i act as if it is unintentional?
Not to mention, what do i tell him if he tells me that he misses me and wants to talk more often? Do i reject him? What if it back fires?
I really need advice about this, and please keep in mind that a "hangout" after the no contact rule would have to be skype for me, and that this whole thing is at a distance since we are in different contries.. I really do love him.
Please help!
Thankyou
Hey,
If he tries to contact you, you can simply tell him that you need some time and space right now and that you'll contact him after some time. You can say it politely without rejecting him. As for the long distance, I'll be honest, it's harder to get back with someone over long distance. Skyping helps, but still it's not as effective as meeting with someone. In your case, you should know that you'll be both in college with a completely new environment and your perspective on life and love will change quite a bit during that time.
But I will still recommend no contact, not just to get him to miss you but for you to realize that you don't need him to be happy. Apply NC for yourself and I am sure soon you'll realize that he is not as important as you are making him to be in your mind.
Hey Kevin
I broke up with my boyfriend due to long distance which came from starting a new job. I was in such an exciting time of my life that I felt I didnt need him but after things settled down I realised I had made the wrong decision. Over Christmas I made all of the mistakes you talked about and even got drunk and confessed my love and how I wanted him back. He looked after me the whole night while I cried and took me back to his house - we both realised this was a mistake. Since then he has told me that there is no chance that we will get back together because he does not feel that he will feel 100% happy if we do. He thinks that nothing has changed and the long distance issue will still be a problem. After, I told him I could deal with the break up but not with losing a friend and after a week of not replying he text me asking how the new job was going. We have been texting for a couple of days now.
I am very confused as to whether I have a chance or whether he just wants to be friends?! Please help!
Hey Molly,
I can't say for sure what he wants, but it seems he is confused about his feelings. You have two options.
1. Apply NC rule, and then start texting him again. This will give you some time to deal with your emotions and him some time to miss you and realize you are not needy.
2. Continue texting, build attraction and when you think the time is right, ask him to get back together. Tell him it's hard for you to stay friends with him and if he doesn't want to get back together, you should end all contact with him forever. And stick to your words.
What if you work with her and see her once a week. She is also a single mother. Her ex of 8 years was a horrible person. We were seeing each other and she said I was the man she prayed for and wishes I would have come into her life sooner. Her family loves me, so do her friends and people we work with. Then after Christmas she got really distant and told me she wasn't ready for anything and pushed me away HARD. I always treated her right and said sweet things and did things for her. I think she thought I was doing that to push her into something. There was no hidden meaning, just wanted to treat her right.
Carlos, no one can say why she pushed you away. There's no point obsessing over it. In time, you will find out. Just follow the plan.
We broke up because he said he wasn't in love anymore. It's been 2 months of no contact and I just sent him a letter. Told him how I felt and I knew he didn't feel the same way. I apologized for how I was and then asked for a second chance. I hope that was alright. I recently found out he had a date with someone. Is there still a chance? I continue praying. I just want him back.
Hey JessB,
It wasn't a good idea to send the letter asking for a second chance. But yes, you still have a chance. Just follow the plan. Apply NC and then contact him. He going on a date doesn't really mean anything. In fact, you should also go out for a couple of dates during the NC.
hey kevin
she ended our 3 year relationship a month ago for no reason.
we were really happy but her friends brainwashed her ..
i have done most of the mistakes mentioned above
but we are still in contact as friends
but i want her back
shall i start the no contact rule from present day?
or be her friend and try to get her back this way only ?
Apply NC.
she stays she still loves me but the situation is not right to be back..
one day she says she loves me next day she says she doesnt love me and doesnt wanna meet me ever
how to deal with this situation?
Like I said Aknish, apply NC. Give her time to deal with her emotions. Follow the plan.
My ex text me yesterday 5 days after break up askin if i am ok. She has been thinking about me a lot and hopes i am ok...
Is there any hope for us kevin? I love her so much.
Hey, I am in a very tricky situation atm. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 days ago because our arguments were getting out of hand and he said he loves me very much and knows I am the person he wants to marry and have kids with in the future. He said he broke up with me so he could clear his head and see other people so that we can rekindle our relationship in the future and he can be a better partner to me. At first I was in shock and hurt that he wants to see other people. But now I can see his logic and am beginning to think I needed this break too to reassess my life. The biggest problem is me and my ex are currently living together and due to financial circumstances and a lease neither of us can leave. What scares me was my ex's reluctance to move into the spare bedroom. Even though he has broken up with me and repeats that he wants to see other people for awhile. He still tries to act like a boyfriend to me, he wants me to spend all my time when I am home with him, talk to me,hug me,kiss me and tell me he loves me. He got annoyed with me when I said although I do love him and would like a future with him at some point, I want space right now and warned him to stop being affectionate towards me as it is confusing me. He seems to be extremely afraid of losing me for good now. Although I am not the one who wants to see other people right now. He starts arguments by asking me where I have been and telling me he doesn't like that he is not allowed to Text me or ask me questions, I have explained to him that I need space and I set ground rules about him seeing someone else as I told him I didn't want them around the house when I am home. I guess my main question what way can I handle this situation so that we could possibly get back together a few months or a year down the line. I cannot not speak to him at times as we need to discuss bills,shopping etc.we are both unemployed students that go to the same college and live together. I just don't want the arguments to continue and I need to distance myself from him so that I hurt less when he begins seeing other people.what's the best advice u can give me?
Sarah,
It's good that you've set ground rules. Just keep the conversation with him minimum and carry on your life. Don't be rude and learn how to handle the arguments calmly and with reason. No matter how unreasonable he becomes, make sure you are always in control of yourself and calm. Avoid any topic that might lead to an argument. As for not getting her when he begins seeing other people, there's nothing you can do there. Although, I'll recommend you also go out on a few dates if possible (although this way, he might panic and want to get back together right away).
hello basicly me and my ex broke up for 2 months because i drunkenly kissed a girl i ended up begging and pleading for her to get back with me the hole time eventually we got back together but the relationship started to fade and we started arguing i started getting jelous ect but we was back together for 6 months and to be honest she was a bitch the majority of the time we ended up splitting up 6 weeks ago i rang her 2 weeks after the break up and she was in bed with some one that she had previously stated was only a friend i rang her a week later drunk she didnt pick up but then called me back telling me she never loved me since i did what i did but i think it was because she got bored and liked that apparent friend of hers any way i havent contacted her for 17 days but today i contacted her to ask for my tickets to a comedy show and we started talking friendly she was even being a bit flirty i stated that i havents slept with any one as im busy ect not because of her and she txt back saying that she nos it has nothing to do with her and that im over her and shes over me i didnt txt back then she txt me saying am i rite i txt her back saying rite about what obviousley asking if i was over her but i didnt tell her i just sort of showed no real intrest in the relationship and she is obviousley still seeing other people i flirtily txt her saying im the boss she said we will see wont we with a wink and i havent replyed im going to go in no contact now but do u think its likely she will start to regret her decision now when we broke up she said she will never come back as it would never work and that we tryed do u think she will contact me with regret asd i wont contact her again and i have showed her that im happy without her or do u think this will now give her closure and by thinking im over her will it make it easyer for her to move on with her life i no she reallly did love me its only been 5 weeks after a year and a half im just wondering ur opinion
Hey,
I can't say for sure but I think she still has feelings for you. Follow NC for a while and then contact her again.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend and i broke up 5 days ago. She said she doesn't know how to love, i deserve better than she can ever give me. Her head is confused. She hasn't been happy for years (we went out for almost one year and broke up for two days in between as she said she was in a dark place and didn't deserve me- i stupidly did the text and calling thing and assuring her I love her and told her how amazing she is and she does deserve love and i would love her. She apologised and said she was just so confused about her emotions and feelings and was sorry for even thinking she didn't want me).
Since the break up we've had minimal contact. She's text me sayin she cares and asked if i am ok. She wants to know i am ok and said she is hurting and i am wonderful and don't deserve this and she will never forgive herself for hurting me.
Friends have asked me if i think there's someone else but i don't. We were always honest and logged into each others Facebook on phones, knew each others passwords and phone locks etc.
She even said to me two weeks before the split " i can't wait to spend our future together just the three of us (me germ and my daughter).
I said this to her the day of the split and she said this" i meant it but the more my head went into over drive the more i got confused"
We were supposed to go away this weekend for her birthday too. I have cancelled all that now (that was hard). She said she couldn't let me waste my money on her claiming "i don't deserve it. I deserve nothing i deserve to be on my own and will probably be on my own forever"
Help.
Hey,
She either has some serious self-esteem issues or she is suffering from some form of depression. Either ways, there's really nothing you can do unless she decides herself that she is good enough for a happy and wonderful life. If you want, you can encourage her to go for counseling or something. But the desire to work on her issues should come from inside her for it to really work. I would suggest you wait for a while and contact her. If she is still in the same state of mind, then it's best for you to move on. You really can't help someone else with their issues unless they want to work on it.
Kevin,
My girlfriend and I broke things off about 2 months ago, after 5 years. This is the second time this has happened as we tried to make our relationship work this past year but we ended up with the same issues we had before the first break up. We have very little contact even though we have children together. She doesn't respond to my text messages nor calls. And has asked me to text her if I need to communicate with her but she doesn't respond to any. A week ago she did answer my call but was upset and just responding with, "what do you want" "why you calling" remarks which then I responded with, whatever...and hung up. Several days before that call we did have conversation but didn't end well. When talking to my kids she takes the phone from them and asks about my job and I say well and proceed to ask her how hers is going and she responds, ok it's going ok. I tell her about our start-up and how will it's going and ask her if we can do something when I go see the kids. By that time she flips out and says no, you should invite your girlfriend and hangs up. She assumes I'm seeing my rebound after our first break up. How should I take these actions she's expressing. Will she try to get emotions out of me? Is it safe to say she might still have feelings for me?
Thanks
Yeah Ed. She definitely has feelings for you. Although, she is still confused and angry. You need to give her some time and space.
Me and my broke things off 3 months ago bc i cheated on him and now i feel bad but I kept on texting him saying sorry and he kept on telling me to leave him alone and called me lots of names I kept on going on his fb and msging his friends and lied to him then he finally had enough and went to the police station and put a no contact report against me but im scard hes never going to contact me ever again
Tina,
You need to apply the NC rule for a few months. If you are not allowed to contact him legally, then there's really nothing you can do. My advice would be to concentrate on moving on. If he contacts you, you can try making it work with him again. If not, then learn from your mistakes and move on.
Hi,
Sorry for my english in advance, and ty for the article really great. My problem is: My girlfirend after 3 years dumped my because i got lazy did not help enough and so, so she wanna meet new guys. We were the greatest happiest couple I ve ever seen - really but we could not argue and solve our little problems only after break up she told me , we could argued every problem - and now I see I changed not for her for myself. After I found new place to live I took a week break in conversation, then I call her for a little talk - that was all right, then to a cinema on the next week that was good too. Nothing special happaned, but we felt good. Then she wrote a mail - just how are u and after a little talk I asked is she wanna meet, she said she dont wanna- she is busy that week, the I did not understand what was that whole thing, so I called her to ask what are her feelings does she miss me or what I need to know, but she could not answer I said its ok I give time I dont dstrub you, on the next night she called me . We sould no meet again. I said ok if u that ' s what u want , I really love here and that was the real thing I know I just did not know how to react to problems - now I know - but know it seems too late. I will do the non contact 30 days and other steps But what do you think what is in her mind. I hope she call me - I dont know I really want her back I know I want her back.
Thank you in advance
She is confused about her feelings. It's best not to obsess over what's going on in her mind. Apply no contact and see how things go.
So Kevin,
After the 30 day waiting period. Do I initiate conversation? Or are you saying, he will eventually do it sometime before that? Because I'm afraid that when he DOES contact me, it would just be to apologize and that he would want nothing more.
Jane
Hey Jane,
If he contacts you, you don't answer him until the no contact is over (unless it's absolutely necessary). And after NC is over, you initiate conversation using one of the methods mentioned in the article. (If he is the one who should be apologizing, I'd recommend you skip the letter and move directly to the text messages).
Hello, my name is Cassandra and I just read your artical and I have to ask a few questions cause I need your help. My ex boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me November 8th 2013, and I am almost 9 months pregnant now so this is hard cause my daughter is going up for adoption. Anyways I miss him and want him back and for 2 months I thought it was possible but I was wrong cause on January 2nd I found out on November 10th 2013 he moved on with another female... He has left me for her before back in the day but that lasted two days. So now he's been in his new relationship for almost three months now. I want him back and I need advice please, I've written to so many people and no one is telling me how to get him back, we wrote each other yesterday I will write down everything but I want to know if I'm too late or if I should do no contact (the baby is due a month from now so I will have to call him and afraid that will ruin my chances) or if there are certain things I should do and say?? So here is the update so far. Me: "guess this is it. I will miss you and will never love someone the same way. Thanks for my daughter. And I want to wish you the best and glad she makes you happy." (I wrote that a day before we started the conversation), (next night) ex: "how did your school thing go?" Me: "didn't happen will tomorrow. A lot has happened today I'm still shookin up I don't want to talk." Ex: "the baby okay?" Me: "I would have let you known if she wasn't....she's always fine...let's just leave things to what I wrote you yesterday. Want to leave on a good note. Just be happy and stay happy. You want me out of your life so I'm respecting it and just gonna do me now since there is nothing to wait for anymore. Can't stand the thought of someone that was once mine and is now replaced so I need to get over you and heal. You will see your daughter .... I'm not heartless. See you in the future sometime huh? Lol one day ;)" ex: "cassy I never said I want you out of my life, but I get why now, it's a good idea. But I still care ok? I asked you how school went because I do care." Me: "...I can't talk to you knowing you're in love and sleeping with someone else. Would you like it? I'm pregnant and this is a big strain and a struggle for me everyday, I went to the e.r. today because of it." Ex: "what!?!?!?!!!!!" Me: "what? Had nothing to do with the baby ok? Once again she...is...fine. It's me so don't flip." Ex: "I don't want anything bad to happen to you or her." Me: "you have no idea what this breakup has done to me....so please." Ex: "ok I'm sorry................." Me: and no I cared cause I'm the only one missing and hurt by it. You made your choice and I have to live with it and think about my big pappas doin the business (cuddling) with someone else bein held in your arms rolled in a ball and eating the famous sour sgetti." Ex: "you're making me want to cry, I can't do this right now....." Me: "I have to think about that image everyday... And sleep at night pretending you're with me, but knowing another women is enjoying what was once mine. I miss you. Sorry." Ex: "I'm sorry too." Me: "doesn't matter anymore. I feel like the movie the notebook without the happy ending." Ex: "............ I'm sorry I fucked up I'm a bad person, I know." Me: "why didn't you fight for me?" Ex: "my phone is about to die." Me: "okay... Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I know it don't matter anymore. I'll talk to you when I have her and she's cleaned up. Bye." And then he never responded and the adoptive mothers lawyer called me today and asked for my exs number and the an hour ago I just texted him "did blanks lawyer call you?" And still no response. Anyways please help me I don't know what to do.
Hey Cassandra,
At this point, stop contact with him until the baby comes. As I mentioned in the article, you can contact him only if it's about the baby. And even then, keep the conversation about her. Not about your feelings and your personal life. If he wants to see the baby, you can meet him at the time of delivery and then again stop contact with him. The way I see it, it's going to take some time. At least 2-3 months. You have to forget about him for a while and concentrate on yourself. Contact him after 2-3 months using one of the texts mentioned in this article.
But I'm scared, he will forget about me. He told me he didn't love her a week ago when we talked and I asked him "then why are you with her?" He said "I don't know, just bored." But then I wrote her what he told me and she didn't believe me and told her he will deny everything and he did and then got mad at me. I told him tell her the truth, someone had to. But I guess it looked like I was trying to sabotage them. I wasn't. I want him to want me the right way. I don't like to step into relationships like that but I thought she deserved the truth. Anyways I don't know why he told me that and then denied it. I wish I knew if he loves me still or if he does miss me, or if he's just stringing me along incase they don't work out... 2 or 3 months is along time, will he contact me do you think? And try to get back with me? Or just to check up on me while still living her?.... That girl is not meant for him, I am and he's meant for me, I just know, just the way we could talk to each other. We had a lot of trust issues too. He has cheated on me and I know he cheated on me with her before he left me, I mean common he started dating her 2 days after leaving me and she doesn't live close, when we were together he never told me he bought a laptop, I found out myself cause his sister told me after he left me so I'm guessing he's been planning on leaving me for her for awhile. I don't know, I'm confused. I just want a garuntee you know? Because I know 2 or 3 months down the line I won't be able to forget him and find someone else, I live him too death.
Hey Cassandra,
Think about what you are saying. You say that he cheated on you on more than one occasion, you two had trust issues and possibly many other relationship problems that lead to the breakup. And yet you say, you two are meant for each other. I am not trying to convince you that you shouldn't want him back. But I will highly recommend that you wait for some time and really think about (keeping all the emotions aside) whether or not he is good for your life.
As for the guarantee, like I mentioned in the article, there's no guarantee. However, I can assure you that everything you've done till now to try to get him back (messaging him, messaging his girlfriend, telling him you'll always love him etc.) reeks of neediness and desperation. And as I mentioned, neediness and desperation are extremely attractive and it's going to push him further away. IMO, 2-3 months will not be nearly enough for him to forget you. In fact, he is just going to miss you more if you stop contact. You'll have to take a leap of faith here. The way I see it, you have two options.
1. Keep doing what you've been doing. That is messaging him, acting needy and desperate. Which IMO is going to keep pushing him further away.
OR
2. Apply NC and follow the plan. Which IMO is going to increase your chances of getting back together a lot.
Thank you very much you are a good person. I will take that leap starting today thanks :) no more contact at all unless its about the baby. And only the baby if I must.
Also one more very important question. He wants to see the baby before she's adopted out. And if I don't let him, that will push him away? Should I let him or no?
Cassandra,
That's your decision to make. It's your baby and his too. I don't know how he will react to not seeing the baby before you give it away. However, if you do decide to let him see it, make sure you keep that meeting completely related to the baby and not about you. Don't talk about yourself or your feelings about him.
My ex boyfriend inititiates contact with Me.I suppose not answer him but to the fact that his mom died and he just want to talk to me.so I talk to him but it's only about his mom and not in our relationship.
2days after he told me I love you and he misses me so much...
And he ask Me is what is my answer to what he said.he said again I love you!!
And on the other day.I texted him like cheering him up because he loss his mom..
And he called me again..at first it's awkward but later on.it's like a normal conversation for us ..
After that 1day I texted him if it's Okey to call him and he said ok.. so did call him and he answered my call.And he ask me if I have eaten my dinner.I said yes and it was pork.he told me you promise me before that you will cook for me.
And I said ok I will cook for you.so to make the story short.we meet outside his working place I've noticed he keep staring at me and can't look me directly to the eyes..
And he said to me again.I miss you and it's been 1month and a half.
After that he started to hold me in the hands.like it feels great like the old days..
And I end the conversation And went home.few minutes later he call me again and said thank you and the food was delicious.I like it.
But this made me confuse.I know I have to make things slow.But what should I do for him to commit with me again?
Should I wait for him to initiate contact always with me?
I'm confuse of what to do next..
One day I send text to him(I hope your having a great day.I have something to give you for valentines day.just get it whenever you have free time.And few minutes ago he calls me.to make the story short.he ask me if I can come in front of his working place.so I said I am not sure but I will try..
After 20 minutes I text him.I said I'm sorry I can't make it tommorow at 3pm because I have important things to do at the embassy..just whenever you have free time .no need to hurry.hehe.that was my last text..
I am waiting tommorow if what is his response but my plan is not to initiate contact with him again.
Can I ask him to meet me on his day off?4days from now.
Is Okey if I'll be the one to ask him?but not a date only meet him for coffee and to give my gift.thats all.
What do you think about my situation right now?
Well, apparently he has strong feelings for you and he is chasing you. Perhaps, he wants to get back together and is waiting to see enough interest from you. The way you've been acting till now is great and IMO, you should continue doing it for a while. You are not needy and you are giving him an opportunity to chase you. Continue it for a month and if he still doesn't ask to get back together, you do it. Be clear about your intentions and what you expect from him.
She also told me that it hurts her not to be with me n she wanted to be single as in no relationship with anyone what steps can I take to name her remember the love we had also we have a 2 year old daughter so doing no contact would be hard
Hey Jared,
I'd still recommend no contact. Like I mentioned in the article, keep your conversations minimum and only related to your daughter. Don't talk about your feelings or your personal life.
Hi I just broke up with my ex..we've been together for 1 year and during that period it has been a roller coaster for us..but we are happy together we don't see each other that often as he was a loner and wants to be alone most of the time and playing his games..then just suddenly he broke up..but then he called me and said he wants to work it out and we agree..then in the evening of that same day we argue again about me loving him so much even though hes not that good enough..then suddenly he said he thinks he only likes me but he don't really love me..i feel so devastated that i told him not to contact me anymore..but then i went to his place that same night to see him and ask if he really means it that he don't love me..and i cried and blaming him why he dint tell me..why he keep it for a long time..but then we sleep together that night but no sex just sleeping..he still hugs me the same way as before..i don't know if its me that saying his actions doesn't match his words..but in the morning when i went home i call him again and say same things as i said during the night and he gets really mad but really trying to explain..then i said call me if you realize something..he said i will, i will,i will.. my question is, is there any chance of us getting back together?do you think he really don't love me or he is just confused???im doing the no contact rule now totally..I'm also started to go fitness and meet new people..but i really want him back..
Hey Asha,
Yes you still have a chance. Stick to the plan. Good you are going to the gym and meeting new people. It will only increase your chances.
Hey my girlfriend and i have been dating for 5 year we have a 2 year old together (i cheated back when we were 18 im 23 now so it was a long time ago) and last week she told me she wanted a break so i said ok maybe time apart would work so then 4 days later she says that she doesn't want to be with me right now but is hopeful for the future i don't know if she saying that to stop me from hurting or really means it and im hurt like hell because she says she still loves me and is in love with me but doesn't want a relationship just wants to be single. So then yesterday she tells me shes been on a date with a guy a week after we split and is talking to some one but not on a relationship level and is acting like i should be ok with it just as friends so now im confused as to how she could be talking to someone already and im stuck here hurt and all emotional how do i get her back and show her ive changed she said i didn't appreciate her and show her love which i did but not all the time so how do i get her back and make us one again. She also told me that it hurts her not to be with me but i dont get that if it hurts not to be with me then why arent you .. I need answers Thanks Jared
Hey Jared,
She is going through the G.I.G.S (Grass is greener syndrome). She feels there is someone better out there for her. The reason she broke was because she wanted to start dating other people. That's why she started dating so soon after the breakup. The only thing you can do is let her have her experience. If she realizes she can't be happy without you, she will come back. Apply no contact. It's best for you and it'll probably make her miss you more.
I was just dumped by my bf about a week ago after five and half years. He said he's very stressed because he's turning thirty, he hates his job and he lives with his alcoholic dad whom he fights with. He said he wants space to get himself on his own feet so he doesn't rely on me as much and see his friends more.to figure out what he wants. He told me wants space so he dumped me. I didn't want this breakup but I'm trying to give him space. However he texts me everyday with vague things and to ask what I'm doing. I have not initiated any of the conversations. Over the weekend he showed up to a place I was at with friends and came straight to me and talking to me following me around. And both our sets of friends were as confused as me to why he was/ is behaving like this if he's the one who left me and wants space. I'm very confused so any advice is greatly appreciated
You need to apply no contact. Don't answer his texts and if he keeps texting you, let him know that you want to stop communication with him for a while. He is afraid of losing you forever. He is afraid that you will move on so he keeps in touch just so he can make sure you are not moving on. No contact is going to be very effective in your case.
Hi
We broke up a week ago after a 2 yr relationship, in one year I was pregnant twice and lost both babies late term and a month later I'm pregnant again, he says he wants time on his own and space which I understand but then tells me he can't see his life without me and that he can never say we will be in a relationship again! He just keeps saying he wants time on his own but can not physically block my number as he says it's too hard! He says that he always wants to be a part of the babies when they arrive (twins) ,.. I don't know if he is just messing with my mind or what he wants!! If I call or txt he always replies!!!
He is extremely confused about his feelings for you. You need to give him space and time and not contact him unless it's absolutely necessary. You can't rely on him to take care of the babies. You have to prepare yourself mentally to face the challenges of being a single parent. I hope he comes back and you two have a great life together, but you have to be practical when it comes to your babies.
Hey! So ive been dating my current ex boyfriend for 6 months and he broke it off with me because of my strong willed personality. He thought that I was never satisfied with him. He also felt like he was loosing himself in the relationship by not being able to keep up with his obsession with fitness and the gym. We met at the gym an fell for each other instantly. I begged him to take me back over the phone and through text messages. He responded by saying "it's over" "done." I am headed back to school in a few days and after begging him a few days ago I decide to call him today to see if I can see him one last time before I leave. I really want him back. Is there hope after all the begging?
Of course there's hope Benz. You just need to follow the plan. Don't insist on meeting him before leaving. IMO, it's better to meet him once you come back. Here's what I suggest you do. Apply no contact. Go to your school. Start building attraction using text messages. When you come back, ask to meet him. And hopefully, he will want to get back together.
Thanks a lot Kevin. He has already agreed to meet with me at Barnes and noble to play some chess. What do u suggest I do in this situation ? I'm more concerned with redeeming myself after the begging incident.
Go with him. Use this as an opportunity to show him you are not needy and desperate anymore. Just go and have fun. Be yourself and enjoy. Don't talk about getting back together.
My ex gf broke up with me almost two weeks ago. She said to me she wanted “time and space” and that she wanted no contact. Also not to wait around for her because she can’t guarantee anything as she is battling demons. However she did say she missed me. What’s your best advice here Kevin? I’m in a week of no contact since I last made contact also. Thanks
She needs time and space, so you give it to her. Let her face her demons alone. There's nothing you can do to help her unless she wants your help. Follow the plan and contact her after around 30-60 days.
My ex and I broke up almost a month ago. I did wrong things but he blamed me for everything turns out he is "in love" with a younger girl and wanted to be with her. We still live together bc I can not afford to move out and we have a dog together. I haven't been contacting him bc he has been staying with her. She came over to our apartment the other day and sprayed her perfume all over the bed, pillows, and my clothes... I think they wanted a reaction and I didn't give them one or even contact him.. but he saw I washed the sheets. I miss him and want to be with him... what should I do?
Hey Allyssa,
Sorry you are in this situation. What she did was pretty immature and very disrespectful. I am glad you didn't give them a reaction that they wanted. It's a very hard situation because you are living together. If it's at all possible, move out of the house. Don't stay in hopes that he will come back to you because you are staying in the house. Your chances of getting back together will increase if you find your own place.
It's possible that he is in a rebound. But I will suggest that you stay away from him for a few months on concentrate on yourself. I know it's hard to do when you are living together, but it's still possible. Start living your life and start working on your happiness. Treat him like he is a roommate that you are stuck with. Be polite and don't expect anything from him that you wouldn't from a roommate. If there is a spare bedroom use it. If not, make a place for yourself to sleep. Do not sleep with him.
It's a tough situation but you can still manage to apply no contact (or limited contact in your case) and work on your happiness.
Hey Kevin.
Thank you for that. It is very hard. It all started because I planned a trip home for the holidays bc I wanted to see my family. I moved to Florida with him and I have no one here. I feel betrayed, tossed to the curb, and replaced by a girl who knows he broke up with me to be with her. He asked me why I didn't say the stuff she says to him.. Shes 20..im 26 and I have started my career. He is still a server and works really hard but I could care less. During my trip home, she was over at our apartment the whole time. I broke into his phone and found a naked picture of her in our bed. I didn't contact him, freak out, or even mention it until the day he picked me up at the airport and was telling me he missed me and blah blah. He's been staying with her all week and ive been going out and doing my own thing. I had to text him today a quick text just saying " Hey I wont be home tonight please take care of the dog" and that's it. My friends say I better never get back with him after everything he has put me threw. Am I doing the right thing by not reacting to her immaturity? Am I doing the right thing by not throwing a fit? I did cry, and beg, and all of that the first few weeks. I became pale, and sick, and really skinny. He made it a point to tell me I wasn't looking good. I don't know if its a rebound because he was seeing her before we broke up and now they are saying 'I love you" after a month and his family knows about her. I am doing my best to find a place to live and to move on but I am afraid I am being weak because I haven't yelled or put my foot down about being disrespected by her coming over to our apartment.
In my opinion, it's not a weakness to stay calm and in control of yourself. Yelling and throwing a fit on the other hand is a sign of weakness. So, yes you are doing the right thing by not reacting to her immaturity. I think you are handling it very well.
Thank you for everything Kevin! One last question, do you think he will come back or I can get him to come back?
Like I mentioned in the article, I can't say for sure. But yes, I think there is a chance he will realize what he has lost and come back. You have hope, but you need to remember that no matter what happens, you should put your happiness before him. If trying to get him back is keeping you unhappy and obsessed about him, then you should give up and try to move on.
Hi kev,
I have been split up with my ex for about 5 months now, after being together for 6 months. When we broke up I tried the no contact for a few weeks but she contacted me asking to give some that I left over at hers.This is when I started doing most of the mistakes mentioned. Basically trying to hard, with a txts, gifts ect.
We have been in contact over Christmas and new year, just wishing each the best for each occasion. But she has just started to see someone else now, and it's like we a distant memory now. Is there any hope left, or should I give up?
P.s it's also my birthday in the next few weeks, if I start the no contact for 30 days do I ignore her if she txts me happy birthday?
Yes there is hope. It's quite possible she is in a rebound. I say follow the plan once and see if it works. If not, move on.
As for the text. If you reply, just make sure you limit yourself to a simple thank you.
Thank you for the great advice. I have plans to go out of town this month and next month with my ex prior to our break up. We broke up this past Sunday because my body is having major trouble handling alcohol and we have been looking into it as we think it may be a more serious underlying issue since I rarely drink...but when I do it can be bad, I had tests done yesterday. We went out for the night Sat because he planned it and even though I paced myself slowly I blacked out when we got back to his place and apparently had a really rough night yelling at him and his friend not to touch me, told him that I hated him, threw up in his bed and he stayed up watching me to make sure I was breathing (I only drank a few beers to show you how bad my tolerance is and this is the worst its ever been). Nothing I had any intentions or any knowledge of doing. He also knows I didn't want to go out. I believe 100 percent in the no contact rule and although I did talk to him Sunday, not Monday but we talked about my Drs Visit on Tuesday he was very cold and all he could do is bring up the negative. I kind of go a step further as I will never contact an ex after the first couple days unless they contact me and when I did contact him I did not sound needy and I did not mention the trips we have planned. Im a little upset myself that he wouldn't support me through this, I am far from an alcoholic I have just had some past medical issues that could be tied into this problem. If I drink it is only because he is pouring me a glass or buying me a beer. So I removed his numbers, email and pics from my phone as I don't want to get weak. I told him Im never drinking again and this is true and he said after what he saw it scared him so bad he is never drinking again and as much as he likes me he cannot handle the falling down belligerence, etc. So I replied that I do not think that us drinking twice a month should label me as anything and if it was in reverse I would support him and help him maintain a healthy lifestyle. You are correct with all he is thinking about is the negativity associated with the breakup.
So the clincher is the trip at the end of the month is my Christimas present, the trip next month we booked 2 days before the breakup. If he contacts me about going I'm going to have to make contact with him. Would this be ok? If not I am fully prepared to never make contact. I think if it is meant to be he will come back. He is wealthy and good looking and can have anyone he wants but that isn't what he wants and he is used to everyone crying over him and texting him forever but its really not my style. If I was really as different as he said I was he will want to help me through this and be by my side. I may be wrong and feel free to let me know
Thanks so much!
You are absolutely right and I love your attitude towards your breakup. If he asks you to go on the trip with him, then it's pretty clear that he is thinking about getting back together. I'd say go with him. If you want, you can ask him about his intentions before agreeing to go with him.
Thank You for the advice!
Great information and advice here. I'm currently doing the no contact rule for the next 30 days, which will end around her Birthday, would it be ok to send her Bday flowers, platonically?
Sam, Birthday flowers are a little too much. If you absolutely must contact her, Just a text message wishing her happy birthday should be enough.
I didn't break up with my bf but i really want to .I love this man and he broke my heart .i cry i try talking to him about us but he is selfish .and that really turning me away.
Hey Valerie,
I know how heartbreaking it is to be in your situation. If he is not making any effort to make the relationship work, then you should break up with him.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me 5 days ago. We had been together for three and a half years. I will try your 5 step plan. Since both of our birthdays are during the next month (during the No Contact period), I was wondering what should I do if she texts me or calls me during mine, and what should I do when it is hers? My birthday is next week and hers is almost at the end of the NC period. Thank you for your time.
If she calls you, answer her call. But keep the conversation short and end it within 2-3 minutes. Just tell her you are busy and you have to go. Don't make any plans for calling in the future like "I'll call you back" or "Call me back after an hour". If she texts you, you can reply to her message with a simple thank you, nothing more.
As for her birthday, it's your call. If you choose to contact her, I'll suggest just a text. No phone calls.
Hey, Me and my boyfriend have been broken up for about 2 weeks. He broke up with me. He still kinda calls because he still wants to be friends but he wants to have sex as well. The strange thing is he act s like he cares. For example, he will ask if I had any guys over and give me rules. Also he said we should have sex until we get boyfriends/girlfriends but I want him and I would feel used doing this. Please help thanks.
Hey Jessica,
So he broke up with you but he still has you. He doesn't want you to have any guys and gives you rule because he is treating you as his property, not as someone he loves and wants to spend his life with. Cut contact with him. Concentrate on yourself. Start dating other guys. And DO NOT sleep with him unless he commits.
Hey,
My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost two months ago. We dated for two years and he ended it because I was his first girlfriend and he "wonders what else is out there." He says that if he feels like he's supposed to be with me in the future, he'll come back. But he NEEDS to be with another girl first. I can't stand the thought of that. For the first few weeks we texted non stop. I panicked, a begged, I came up with everything I could to try and get him back. But eventually he just started ignoring me. Now that it's been a couple months, we only talk here and there. Like he texted me Merry Christmas and little stuff like that. I ran into him at a party and we just hung out like acquaintances but we stared at each other a lot. When he left, we talked and laughed a little about the awkward situation and then he hugged me goodbye. That made me tear up a little and he noticed.. He asked if I was okay, and then left. He then texted me and apologized for hugging me and said that it was too much.. We talked a little about that night and I stopped replying. It's been almost two weeks since the party and now there is a New Years party with the same mutual friends tonight. I don't know what to do. Is there hope for us? How do I go about this?
Hey Jen,
Sorry I couldn't get back to you in time. I hope things went well. Anyways, he has what is usually known as GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome). To be honest, I think you should just let him have his adventure and realize on his own whether or not he wants to come back. You should follow the plan, but make sure you never force him to get back together. And make sure it's his idea to get back together.
If you want to have a long and healthy relationship with him, then he needs to be absolutely sure that he wants you and only you. If he constantly keeps wondering what other girls are like, you will never have him 100%. This might be a blessing in disguise. If he comes back, you know you have him 100%. If he doesn't, then it's for the best and you should concentrate on moving on.
Hey,
Me and my ex broke up in November and I did everything wrong, she asked me to stop texting her and calling. That I had issues and she also did and we just needed to fix them. Then maybe in the future we can get back together. She has done this many times and I thought it was just like the others. I moved out and everything was cool. We would text back and fourth nothing serious just talking. Well one day she called and asked me to come back and I said no(idk why). I told her I was trying to fix my issues so when I come back. I would be the man she met and fell in love with. Well after that she grew this hate for me. She told me that all communications need to stop and to go find myself. Well at first I was confused but when we didn't respond I did a lot of dumb stuff. The following week she got a bf and I think moved him in. I asked her about it and she said it's none of my business and I need to move on. Well I got real Desperate and I just couldn't stop, her sister husband invited me to a cook out and I went only on the condition that she wouldn't be there. She showed up with him and her sister told her that it's too soon and that I can stay and she needs to leave. Let's just say the hate grew. She called me as soon as she left and I had to hang up the phone. Then the I hate you text and stay away I don't ever wanna run into you again. I tried bro but I couldn't stop texting her and when I would go days she would text me just some hateful stuff. She would send me pics of her hugged up on guys that wasn't her bf. nothing nasty. I still wasn't hateful or anything. I was still texting her but no response. Then I did something that I wish I never did.
She hates meth with a passion. Well I had a problem with it and that's what I was fixing, I've been clean ever since I moved out. That's why we split cuz of the severe depression and mood swings it causes. I was doing it behind her back. Well I told her if she ever wanted to know why we had problems to ask and I will tell her. Well no response at first until 3 am she asked me. And I told her, I'm not sure what I thought was gonna happen but she freaked out. Said that I don't deserve any chances and that I was a junkie. When I died she would rejoice cuz the world would be better without a piece of shit like me in it. You see even though I had a problem, I was still a good man. Took care of her kids and mine and everything else. Her family loves me and just couldn't believe it. The drug only effected me and her relationship, I was near perfect with everything else. Well anyways back to the subject, on Christmas I kinda freaked out and email her on fb. A lot actually, so she started posting pics of them two and that's the last time we talked. She blocked me. Is there any hope for this relationship. We both think that we are meant for each other. Her love is the best I ever felt and she said that she has never loved someone like the way she loves me. Did I totally f this up or can I save it
Hey Frank,
Sorry you are in this situation, but I think there is hope. Of course, I can't guarantee you anything. But the best thing you can do right now is apply NC for a while (30 or 60 days) and then contact her again using one of the text messages in the article. The fact that she hates you is not a bad sign. In fact, it just means that she still has feelings for you and probably still loves you. With time, her anger will subside. And the you should contact her. Also, kudos on being clean. All the best!
Kevin,
I had been going with my first love for 14 months. In the 14 months , 8 months were spent in a long distance relationship. It was very difficult specifically because the relationship was kept a secret from her parents. The screcy for the first half hear was fine but after time it caused so much problems. Although she's 22 and im 21 she always convinced me that the relationship had to be kept a secret until we graduated in 2 years.
Three weeks ago I became fed up with the secret and flew 1000 miles to Paris to notify her parents on who I really was, that I love her and I wanted them to accept me. And for them to understand that she's an adult now. I told my ex what I was going to do and she broke up with me before I even went to the airport to fly away. She didn't even try to convince me that I couldn't tell her parents but how legitimate it was that she was breaking up with me. It was an ultimatum that I chose because I didn't want to be kept a secret and I wanted to build the relationship.
Nearly three weeks have passed, but she did contact me when I came back from Paris. I tried to keep the 'no contact' going for longer but I replied to her texts which just ended up in more arguments... Even though I did what I did and there is no going back. Do you see any wrong in doing what I did because apparently " she can't forgive me for it". I believe what I did showed commitment and courage even though I'm still young (21). Do you think there is any progression from here or I should just leave it by for my own good?
Do you know her reasons for wanting to keep it a secret? Did she explain it to you after that? I think there might be more into it than you might think. If she's still unwilling to explain her reasons, it's best to move on.
hey kevin
about a month ago, my ex and i broke up after a year. he has entered a new relationship. i was always the needy and clingy girl doing all the things youve said not to do. crying, begging, continuous text messages, trying to "bump into him" while hes trying to avoid seeing me. He tells everyone he never loved me. He texts me from time to time picking for something to argue and downtalk me about. Whenever he gets in contact with me he tells me how perfect his new girlfriend is and it makes me feel horrible. i was very happy with him and for some reason still havent lost hope. He makes sure that we are not in contact nor do we run into eachother. What should i do? is there hope? by the way, he lives across the sidewalk from me but i never see him at home because rumor is he lives with his new girlfriend!!
Hey Jessica,
Yes there is hope. I think he still has feelings for you which makes him confused and angry, hence the arguing and trying to make you jealous. If I had to guess, I'll say he is young and pretty immature. The best thing you can do about this situation is be mature and calm about everything. Just follow the plan and don't answer his texts or calls for a month and then take it from there.
Hey,
I broke up with my ex about two months ago and she was heartbroken- she begged a bit, tried to meet up with me, and I felt terrible and held my grounds. My reasons were stupid and simply for space. We dated a little over two years, lived together, and had a serious bond. After about a month without her and not hearing with her, I started to really miss her. One day I found out she is dating someone with similar interests, who is definitely not her type and I freaked out. Called her a few times, emailed, and she called me back with a serious deal of confidence in her voice- basically very angry and hurt. she cried and told me that she could never trust me again. I sent her flowers the following week that simply said "thinking about you" she drunk dialed me that might and let her guard down for two seconds until I spilled my heart out- she then shut down, became defensive, and wanted nothing to do with me. I've been doing the no contact thing for over 2 weeks, and plan to mail her a letter in a few more weeks. I feel like she is trying to put me through the same pain, and thinks I am doing this for the wrong reasons, which I'm not. Any advice?
Thanks,
Joe
Hey Joe,
To be honest, even I think you are doing this for the wrong reason. You decided to breakup with her and when you realized that she is moving on, you want her back. It's a classic case of "not wanting to lose an ex" rather than "I think me and my ex will have a great relationship together". But I might be wrong. So my advice is to follow the no contact rule and think real hard if you are doing it for the wrong reason and whether or not you can really commit to her. If not, let her go.
Kevin,
I appreciate the advice- this is basically what I've been doing. I've changed my daily routines and have analyzed our differences and reasons for splitting. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 weeks, and wonder if she's over me. She told
Me last time we spoke that she could never trust me again, I guess I can't blame her completely for having that view. But people do make mistakes. I truly think we can make things work for the better with compromise and starting fresh- taking baby steps. I plan to mail her a letter which will say what you had advised, let her know that I understand her moving on, as I will be doing the same. I also want to remind her of the good times- because whether it works out or not, I want her to look back on our relationship with a smile (not sure about texting). Any advice would be helpful, and I really appreciate it!
Joe
Sounds good. Texting is helpful in my experience to build attraction and remind her of the good times. You can do it subtly with texting. But in the end, you know her better than anyone so it's your call.
Hey Kevin,
I'm about a week away from the no contact period ending.. I will probably wait a little longer than 30 days. My ex is pretty angry with me and is dating someone else, like I said. I do plan to reach out soon, but something came up. She just lost a very close family member and I feel like I have to send my condolences- I thought of sending a simple card, or shooting an email- any advice? I just feel like ignoring it for my own reasons would be very selfish. Please let me know! Thank you.
Joe
Hi kevin,
Me and my ex broke up 9 days ago after 6 years together. I made some horrible mistakes and she finally had enough. But we are both fighting to stay sober and go to the same aa meetings. What do I do if I run into her at one of these meetings?
Hey Nick,
Just be pleasant and don't talk about anything personal. Just treat her like an old acquaintance you are in good terms with. If she avoids you, don't try to go over to her and talk to her. If she avoids talking to you, you avoid talking to her. IF she talks to you, you be cordial and friendly but don't talk to her for more than 5 minutes at a time.
hey kevin. i was following the things you said about the 'no contact' rule but in the mean time my ex girlfriend started to call and text me randomly once a while about irrelevant issues. And, i didn't know how to respond. What i did yesterday was that i told her someone called and told me that she has started something new like moving on. When i said this,she just said it is not true but in the evening she texted me that i and her are over for good and she has moved on and i should not try to control her or to spy on her. She also said that she has been trying to be nice for me but i am still the same man.
Finally,she said 'please don't call and good bye' then i replied her that it is not only her who doesn't want this r/ship. I am also done long ago and i just wanted to be certain. i also wrote her that have decided that she can not be my wife and i don't want any call or text from her. it has been a month since we broke up and we have been together for about three and half years. i believe she still has feelings for me but i don't know how to do things right. please i need to know what i should do next kevin. thank you
Hey T,
She definitely still has emotions for you and she is somehow hoping for you to change and be someone she can start a relationship with, just so she doesn't have to move on. It's a hard thing to get over a breakup. She is confused and is angry that she can't move on from you. I guess you just need to stay away from her for a while and when you contact her again, don't treat her like you have a past with her or that she owes you anything at all. Treat her like she is a girl you want to start a NEW RELATIONSHIP with. Treat her like she has already moved on and so have you.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up a year and a half ago after a two year relationship. He became distance after I had gotten pregnant and he said he was simply not ready for a baby. We remained intimate off and on over the course of a year. However, about 4 months ago I decided I no longer wanted to be intimate since my feelings for him continued to grow and I felt like I was only hurting myself. Since then I feel like he has been dating someone else but when he comes over to visit our 5mth old baby he seems to still flirt with me. Also, he has slipped multiple times and called me at 2am after drinking with his friends claiming to "check up on our baby". Although he has put me through the ringer this past year I cannot help but still love him. I think he still has feelings for me but I also think he is bitter and resentful towards me for keeping our child. He is only 23 and I am currently 27 so I am hoping this is his immaturity phase, but I don't know. I am unable to perform the no contact rule since he calls me everyday in regards to our child, but our conversations do remain pretty short. What do you recommend?
Hey, I replied to your comment here.