Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.
My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.
I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.
Who this article is for?
This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you just broke up, and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.
However, if you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.
What This Article Is About?
This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.
It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).
Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.
Content:
- Step 1: Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation
- Step 2: Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
- Step 3: During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
- Step 4: Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message (Hint: Think Elephant)
- Step 5: Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.
Let’s begin. Here’s how to get your ex back.
STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)
I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.
Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.
So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.
That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.
But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.
But in reality, it goes something like this.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.
Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.
Your thought pattern becomes something like
- If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
- If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he’ll take me back.
Again, your instincts are screwing with you.
Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.
And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?
Or do you want them to respect and love you?
Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You
Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.
How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection
Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.
How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you.
In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.
Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating
The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.
I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.
I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs).
And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.
Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.
They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.
They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)
Deadly Mistake Number 6: Name Calling and Anger
Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.
It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious to your instincts.
If you used to abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.
Your instinct wants to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.
The same way it happened when you both fought.
This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.
Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
Case Study 1: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn
Terry and Amanda fought bad. So bad that the neighbors had to knock on their doors at least once a month.
Threatening to leave each other was a very common occurrence in their fights.
But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.
The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.
At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.
She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.
He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.
Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.
It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.
He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.
Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.
The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other,
they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.
Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.
The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.
“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry
Deadly Mistake Number 7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation
The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.
Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It will ask questions like,
- “Is my ex missing me?”
- “Does he still love me?”
- “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
- “Will she start dating someone already?”
- “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
- “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
- “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.
I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.
It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.
These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.
Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following
“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”
Do you see the problem here?
Your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.
No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.
These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.
In fact, most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through.
They are a result of panicked mind that is trying to do an impossible task.
Moreover, when you are trying to interpret your ex’s action and social media activity, you will probably misinterpret them and do something to push them away.
For example,
- If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
- If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
- If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
- If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. This will probably make you freak out, call them and act controlling and borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.
It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.
What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.
It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
Case Study 2: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back
The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.
She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.
She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.
But all she could get from her ex was this line.
“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”
She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.
She did manage to get him back by following this exact plan.
The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.
When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.
“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.
I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.
It’s simple and very effective.
All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
- No Calling
- No Texting
- No Facebook Messaging
- No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
- No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
- No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
- No keeping tabs on them via friends.
Why do no contact?
For three reasons
Reason 1 : Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.
People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.
But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and he will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting him.
Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting him, you immediately become not needy in his mind.
Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.
Reason 2: You also need some space and time.
You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.
It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.
You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.
Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Reason 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.
You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
How long is the no contact period?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.
Your ex during No Contact Period
At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.
Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?
No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.
- What if my ex moves on during no contact?
- What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
- What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?
No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.
You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days.
And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.
What if My ex and I have Children?
If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.
You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.
You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you personal question, you tell them something like,
“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”
What if my ex and I live together?
If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.
If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.
My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?
That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.
If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.
And it didn’t work.
The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.
Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.
And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.
You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.
This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.
What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, no, that’s not a good question.
In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.
Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.
But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.
You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.
But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.
A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.
They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.
There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.
- They might start contacting you every day.
- They might get angry.
- They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
- They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
- They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
- The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.
I’ll soon write an article in detail about everything that your ex might do during no contact and how you should react to it. Check back on this space later to read that article. For now, let’s move on to what your focus should be during no contact. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)
Case Study 3: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.
Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.
Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.
When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.
Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.
He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.
A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.
Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.
The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.
She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.
Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.
She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.
He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.
“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”
This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.
He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.
Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.
“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.
If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.
But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.
You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.
Positive Changes In Your Appearance
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do.
- Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
- Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
- Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
- Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
Positive changes in your mentality
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.
Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.
1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.
2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.
3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.
Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits
In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.
- Controlling Nature
- Extreme Jealousy
- Insecurity
- Lack of Passion
- Low Self-Esteem
- Lack of Personal Hygiene
- Lack of Motivation in Life
- Lack of Communication Skills
- Lack of Social Skills
- Inability to Trust
- Inability to Commit
If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist.
I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.
Analyzing Your Relationship
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
- I love my ex.
- I can’t live without my ex.
- I am miserable without my ex.
- He/She was the only one for me.
- I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.
It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.
However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.
Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.
You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now.
So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.
And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.
Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It
Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.
There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.
But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.
- Attraction
- Connection
- Or Trust
For example,
- You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
- You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
- Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
- You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
- Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
- Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.
Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup
If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.
If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.
And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.
It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Case Study 4: He Came Back, but it Was No Happy Ending
Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.
If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say
“Obsessed with her ex.”
She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.
She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.
Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.
Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.
She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.
That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.
Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.
A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.
They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.
The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.
This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.
Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
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Hello! My ex boyfriend broke up with me over 2 months ago. We are 24 years old. Dated for over 1,5 years. We had a quarrel which I have begun because of something I felt he did wrong. We did not see each other for 2 weeks because he went for a trip with friends, but we kept the issue through messages. He broke up with me after he came back. He said he was tired with this relationship and that he does not want to be in a relationship now (though he said that even if he will be it will not be serious). We didnt fight, I tried to convince him a little, but he did not change the decision so i had to accept. We were even laughing at each other for crying in public. We agreed on staying friends and kept contact for 5 days, then we met up and had a good time talking about general matters. When we were parting i said we should not contact for some time and he said he will wait for me to contact him when i am ready. I did no contact for 50 days, i followed the guides on improving myself. He replied to my message positively but he does not keep conversation or ignore some messages. What should i do next? I wanted to meet up to exchange our things which we still have. But i guess i should wait?
Since it has been 50 days of no contact, naturally things would be a little awkward at first, as he isn't used to talking to you again so frequently. I suggest being patient and taking it slow to let him get more comfortable with talking to you again (without you coming across as desperate or overbearing).
To follow no contact rule should I block him from everywhere like WhatsApp and all so that he can't see me online
You don't have to. Instead, keep him unblocked and perhaps become active on those platforms so that your presence becomes felt more prominently as this might cause him to begin missing you.
Hey guys,
Ex girlfriend broke up with me almost 7 weeks ago. I tried slow contact after 2 and a half weeks but didn't really work/I got too needy. Now, its almost been 3 weeks since I have contacted her. My relationship ended, I believe, because I was insecure, immature, and would lie. Not a lot, but lie nonetheless. A week before the breakup, she said "It scares me how easily you can lie". I want to apologize for that without looking needy, but I don't know if I should now, or after a month of no contact has passed. Im worried she's going to have a negative image of me in her head and move on more easily because of it. Also, should it be a letter or a text? Thanks.
My ex boyfreind broke up with me in about 2 week I send him a message telling him bad things because he leave me we were in a relationship of 6 month we were really good and dream about our future together and suddenly I travelled abroad alone when I come back he broke up with me only the reason of travelling and because I posted something in facebook that I were with someone but this someone is married and he just help me in my travel time my ex told me I know this persone he is bad so we stop here I really want him back and till now is 2 week without contact
Try completing NC for another 2-3 weeks to give him some time to cool off first. This might have been a misunderstanding and he have been jealous and acted irrationally.