Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.
My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.
I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.
Who this article is for?
This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you just broke up, and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.
However, if you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.
What This Article Is About?
This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.
It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).
Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.
Content:
- Step 1: Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation
- Step 2: Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
- Step 3: During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
- Step 4: Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message (Hint: Think Elephant)
- Step 5: Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.
Let’s begin. Here’s how to get your ex back.
STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)
I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.
Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.
So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.
That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.
But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.
But in reality, it goes something like this.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.
Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.
Your thought pattern becomes something like
- If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
- If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he’ll take me back.
Again, your instincts are screwing with you.
Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.
And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?
Or do you want them to respect and love you?
Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You
Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.
How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection
Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.
How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you.
In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.
Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating
The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.
I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.
I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs).
And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.
Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.
They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.
They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)
Deadly Mistake Number 6: Name Calling and Anger
Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.
It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious to your instincts.
If you used to abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.
Your instinct wants to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.
The same way it happened when you both fought.
This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.
Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
Case Study 1: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn
Terry and Amanda fought bad. So bad that the neighbors had to knock on their doors at least once a month.
Threatening to leave each other was a very common occurrence in their fights.
But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.
The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.
At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.
She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.
He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.
Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.
It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.
He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.
Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.
The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other,
they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.
Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.
The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.
“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry
Deadly Mistake Number 7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation
The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.
Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It will ask questions like,
- “Is my ex missing me?”
- “Does he still love me?”
- “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
- “Will she start dating someone already?”
- “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
- “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
- “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.
I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.
It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.
These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.
Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following
“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”
Do you see the problem here?
Your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.
No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.
These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.
In fact, most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through.
They are a result of panicked mind that is trying to do an impossible task.
Moreover, when you are trying to interpret your ex’s action and social media activity, you will probably misinterpret them and do something to push them away.
For example,
- If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
- If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
- If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
- If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. This will probably make you freak out, call them and act controlling and borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.
It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.
What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.
It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
Case Study 2: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back
The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.
She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.
She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.
But all she could get from her ex was this line.
“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”
She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.
She did manage to get him back by following this exact plan.
The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.
When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.
“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.
I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.
It’s simple and very effective.
All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
- No Calling
- No Texting
- No Facebook Messaging
- No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
- No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
- No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
- No keeping tabs on them via friends.
Why do no contact?
For three reasons
Reason 1 : Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.
People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.
But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and he will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting him.
Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting him, you immediately become not needy in his mind.
Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.
Reason 2: You also need some space and time.
You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.
It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.
You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.
Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Reason 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.
You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
How long is the no contact period?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.
Your ex during No Contact Period
At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.
Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?
No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.
- What if my ex moves on during no contact?
- What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
- What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?
No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.
You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days.
And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.
What if My ex and I have Children?
If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.
You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.
You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you personal question, you tell them something like,
“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”
What if my ex and I live together?
If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.
If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.
My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?
That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.
If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.
And it didn’t work.
The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.
Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.
And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.
You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.
This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.
What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, no, that’s not a good question.
In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.
Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.
But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.
You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.
But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.
A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.
They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.
There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.
- They might start contacting you every day.
- They might get angry.
- They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
- They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
- They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
- The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.
I’ll soon write an article in detail about everything that your ex might do during no contact and how you should react to it. Check back on this space later to read that article. For now, let’s move on to what your focus should be during no contact. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)
Case Study 3: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.
Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.
Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.
When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.
Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.
He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.
A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.
Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.
The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.
She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.
Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.
She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.
He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.
“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”
This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.
He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.
Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.
“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.
If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.
But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.
You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.
Positive Changes In Your Appearance
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do.
- Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
- Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
- Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
- Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
Positive changes in your mentality
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.
Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.
1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.
2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.
3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.
Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits
In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.
- Controlling Nature
- Extreme Jealousy
- Insecurity
- Lack of Passion
- Low Self-Esteem
- Lack of Personal Hygiene
- Lack of Motivation in Life
- Lack of Communication Skills
- Lack of Social Skills
- Inability to Trust
- Inability to Commit
If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist.
I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.
Analyzing Your Relationship
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
- I love my ex.
- I can’t live without my ex.
- I am miserable without my ex.
- He/She was the only one for me.
- I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.
It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.
However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.
Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.
You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now.
So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.
And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.
Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It
Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.
There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.
But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.
- Attraction
- Connection
- Or Trust
For example,
- You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
- You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
- Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
- You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
- Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
- Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.
Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup
If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.
If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.
And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.
It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Case Study 4: He Came Back, but it Was No Happy Ending
Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.
If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say
“Obsessed with her ex.”
She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.
She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.
Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.
Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.
She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.
That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.
Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.
A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.
They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.
The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.
This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.
Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
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Hello! My ex boyfriend broke up with me over 2 months ago. We are 24 years old. Dated for over 1,5 years. We had a quarrel which I have begun because of something I felt he did wrong. We did not see each other for 2 weeks because he went for a trip with friends, but we kept the issue through messages. He broke up with me after he came back. He said he was tired with this relationship and that he does not want to be in a relationship now (though he said that even if he will be it will not be serious). We didnt fight, I tried to convince him a little, but he did not change the decision so i had to accept. We were even laughing at each other for crying in public. We agreed on staying friends and kept contact for 5 days, then we met up and had a good time talking about general matters. When we were parting i said we should not contact for some time and he said he will wait for me to contact him when i am ready. I did no contact for 50 days, i followed the guides on improving myself. He replied to my message positively but he does not keep conversation or ignore some messages. What should i do next? I wanted to meet up to exchange our things which we still have. But i guess i should wait?
Since it has been 50 days of no contact, naturally things would be a little awkward at first, as he isn't used to talking to you again so frequently. I suggest being patient and taking it slow to let him get more comfortable with talking to you again (without you coming across as desperate or overbearing).
To follow no contact rule should I block him from everywhere like WhatsApp and all so that he can't see me online
You don't have to. Instead, keep him unblocked and perhaps become active on those platforms so that your presence becomes felt more prominently as this might cause him to begin missing you.
Hey guys,
Ex girlfriend broke up with me almost 7 weeks ago. I tried slow contact after 2 and a half weeks but didn't really work/I got too needy. Now, its almost been 3 weeks since I have contacted her. My relationship ended, I believe, because I was insecure, immature, and would lie. Not a lot, but lie nonetheless. A week before the breakup, she said "It scares me how easily you can lie". I want to apologize for that without looking needy, but I don't know if I should now, or after a month of no contact has passed. Im worried she's going to have a negative image of me in her head and move on more easily because of it. Also, should it be a letter or a text? Thanks.
My ex boyfreind broke up with me in about 2 week I send him a message telling him bad things because he leave me we were in a relationship of 6 month we were really good and dream about our future together and suddenly I travelled abroad alone when I come back he broke up with me only the reason of travelling and because I posted something in facebook that I were with someone but this someone is married and he just help me in my travel time my ex told me I know this persone he is bad so we stop here I really want him back and till now is 2 week without contact
Try completing NC for another 2-3 weeks to give him some time to cool off first. This might have been a misunderstanding and he have been jealous and acted irrationally.
Hi. My ex broke up with me about a month ago after 7 months of dating. She said she didn't love me anymore but I feel like that's not why because she never acted different towards me. When we were dating, she said she never felt this way with anyone, she trusted me more than anybody (but I broke that trust by telling our mutual friends a secret she had), and we talked about the future together. The last couple weeks before she broke up with me I started to act really distant towards her - ignored her whenever I was near her and barely responded on Snapchat and iMessage (when I did, I came off as like I didn't want to talk to her). She felt "alone and that I was done with her" but in reality I wasn't and was angry at something with my family but never told her. I told her that was why I was acting the way I did but she said she's still worried that I'm going to do that if we do get back together. Is it possible the reason she broke up with me was because she didn't love me anymore or because I was too distant and I broke her trust? About 3 weeks after we broke up, I started doing no contact and I told her that I was giving her the time she needed (which is what she asked for but I didn't listen) and also apologized for my behavior (I begged and pleader her to take me back). It's been 10 days since I last texted her and I see her with this new guy but she told a mutual friend that they were just friends (her friends, my friends, and our mutual friends all say he is a complete downgrade to me) but they act all secretive. Could this be to get me jealous (she knows I get jealous because I got mad at her for wearing another guy's shirt)? Also, she told our mutual friend that there was a chance we would get back together before I begged and pleaded but after I begged and pleaded with her there wasn't. Is that a bad sign or was she just saying that because I bothered her?
Her negative emotions towards you at this point could still be relatively fresh, which was why she said there was no chance with you to her friend. I suggest not overthinking the situation with her and the other guy in your head because it would cause you to feel negative at the end of the day. Since you are in no contact officially, work on yourself first and foremost before contacting her again in the future as an improved person so that she sees you in a different light. Even if she says there's no chance, you could always create that chance if your improvements are prominent enough.
Thanks. I forgot to mention this but when we broke up she said she wanted to be friends and that she liked me as a friend. Is that a bad sign?
Most exes would typically say that during the breakup to make the other party feel better and its very common. It doesn't usually mean anything - in both positive or negative light. You should continue with your plans for positive change and try not to be phased by whatever she said back then.
Hi, I dated a guy for 3 months, we started really well, and strong. He’s a hopeless romantic type of man. He made lots of effort to see me on his free time, sends me sweet messages when he wakes up, he was very open about his family to me, especially bout his kids. (He’s divorced and he sees his kids every week). There were also times that I stay in his place for few days because he wanted me to stay. My fault was I asked too soon about our relationship, like I was asking for a “label”. He told me that why don’t I just let things happen naturally. (I felt I have pressured him). Things started to change when I said to him that I am leaving for few months then will be back later this year. After few days, he replied to me and said that he doesn’t want to commit to me and we can just be friends. I replied and apologized if maybe I pressured him or what. I also asked him if there’s another woman, he said no. I told him that I’m fine in taking things slowly. He agreed to that and he said he’ll continue seeing me then. After a month, I felt that there’s more gap. Less communication from him, he’s not as sweet as before. There was even a time that when I visited his place, he said that I have to leave at a specific time because he said he has something to do after that. I really felt something wrong. After few days , i asked him the truth and there, He said he started seeing another woman. He said that he lost hope in us because I am leaving. He didn’t want to be alone, and that I deserve someone else because He’s an emotional wreck and a mess. I told him that he should not say that and I accept him and all his flaws. I asked him if he loves the woman, he just told me that I care for her , but I love you. He said that Our connection is really different compared to her, he connects to me deeply. He said that He can’t stop seeing me but he has to stop so that i won’t get hurt anymore. I am confused because, He said he loves me but he’s rushing to meet someone else and commit to her. I don’t even know if I should believe him that really loves me or just saying it for the sake of being nice to me. Is still there a chance for me to see him again when I am back , or will he easily forget me when i do no contact. and What if I am back and he’s still dating, is there no hope anymore? I love him and I am giving him space and doing the no contacf for few days now. It’s really hard , and I want to do the correct steps.
If he says that there's a connection with you different from the other person, when you're back, you'll only be able to know for certain then. I would honestly suggest moving on with your life since you'll be gone regardless for a couple of months and he's already expressed not wanting a LDR in that duration, so getting back together now would only lead to a possible second breakup when you're away.
Hello. Well, smth like 12 days after I started no contact after 3 discursions by phone but just by business, my boy - friend texted me asking some personal questions about how my business was going. I answered that very well, but couldn't talk to him as a friend right now, because needed some more time and space. He tried to joke and then said that talking or not he was remembering about me and my son. Then he changed his watsup foto for a more smily one and from our common journey to skiing. He also put a like on my fotos from last journey in fcbk.
I really haven't ever asked him to come back or looked needy. But smth like a week after separation and no contact by my own will (before starting with this couching) we met. He cried and was saying that his feelings were not gone. So I like in a way of calming him down said: so would you like me to go with to your home town?? Because this was the issue during the relation ship and there he went when left me. He answered: I should think about it, 4 months ago I wouldn't doubt, but now I should think. During that meeting I also said I thought he was right to go and I had committed many mistakes in the relation ship. He said it was a pity to hear that now and no before. So my question is basically : should I continue no contact now??
Yes, continue with NC in the meantime and he does not seem to really know what he wants right now. He may have lost attraction for you back then, but still has feelings for you. If you allow him to get back with you right now just because he misses the times, there's a likelihood of him repeating the same thing down the road again.
So my ex and I recently split up. Well. She said she wanted a break. same thing though right? Before reading all of this stuff and how texts can be useful, I told her I'd delete her number so I wouldn't feel tempted to contact her, she asked me not to, but I did anyway. But our text thread still exists and I cannot bring myself to delete it. I did slide it into the archive section though so I don't have to see it. Should I go through with the deletion? If I don't, and I eventually text her even after the NC time is up, I feel like I'll come off as weak and needy since I told her I was going to delete everything but didnt..?
We also both have the WhatsApp, and her number is in there and we haven't used it in several months. So I could use that and just act like I happened to come across it, which technically I did just that. Thoughts?
She also owes me a few hundred dollars, has a key to my house, and my kayak is at her house... I could probably just go get the kayak without breaking the NC rule, but that might be risky and sort of creepy and I don't want to cross that line. Should I ask for these things back? Again, that would be breaking the NC rule.. or should I just forget about it all until the NC time has passed and I'm into further stage?
Normally we would encourage you to get your stuff back first before starting NC. However, if that is unavoidable, a brief meeting to exchange items does not count as breaking NC unless you start acting needy or desperate when meeting her. It really depends on the motive behind the contact and whether it's necessary or not. You don't have to delete her texts if you don't want to since only you would know.
Hi there,
My girlfriend broke up with me three days ago. I am still in substantial pain, but I fully understand why she broke up with me even if she does not. I was needy and jealous during the relationship and every time she wanted to hang out with a guy friend I would get upset or passive aggressive. Some other things added up and she decided to end things the other day. She said she needed time to think and she always talked about needing more time to herself. I was selfish and not understanding but I fully realize now what she wanted. I immediately initiated no contact after she broke up with me not wanting to make similar mistakes and wanting to show her that I can give her space and that I am truly not a needy man. My question is am I wasting my time in trying to get her back? I want her back because I still see a future with her and I now see this breakup as an opportunity for us to fix both of our problems and work on each other. She was crying in the break up for a whole hour saying she wanted to love me again but just did not feel the same way. I feel deep down she still has feelings but my controlling nature hid them from her. I am working on that immediately and will fix it by the time I contact her. Just want to know if I am on the right track or if I should contact her sooner because of how the breakup went. Thank you.
You're on the right track. Contacting her earlier may result in reverting back to your old self because not enough time has been given for you to make the positive changes permanent. Also, she may not be ready to face you yet either, so you'll want enough time to pass before trying to win her back.
Thank you for your response. So she contacted me last week and we actually got dinner and went to Target and had a great time. But she saw it only as us being friends. She was really flirty and touchy all night. She talked to me all last week before the meetup, but now after the fact she does not talk to me barely at all. I think she sees that I really do want her back and not just be friends with yet. But the catcher is that I think she is with a guy who I had worries about in our relationship. She is definitely always hanging out with him late at night. Although he might be a friend I have my doubts about it. Should I initiate no contact and keep it or should I try and be friends with her again and win her back that way. I know I should not want her back at this point but like I said, I know deep down this girl is my future. I messed up and I am determined to fix it.
If there are changes you know you should be making in your life, perhaps it might be better to focus on them first instead of half trying to chase her back, and half trying to make changes. She may see you as a friend mentally, but there are still habits ingrained into her behavior after being together with you. However, if you want to win her back, you're only going to succeed by winning her emotionally, which may require the space and for her to be able to see you in a different light, hence the no contact period.
Hello! After NC I went out with my ex-gf a couple of times. She was friendly and we had a great time. Our meetings gave her second thoughts but she was determined to stick to her decision (there weren't serious reasons for our breakup and things ended really well). She saw through my plan so she told me we can't keep going out "as friends". She's not a huge fan of texting and I'm a bit afraid to propose another meet-up. Any advice? Thanks!
Perhaps give it some time before trying to call her up since she doesn't like texts. You don't necessarily have to ask her out at that point. Even having a positive conversation over the phone may do you some good in how she responds to and views you.
My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for 6 years. We made it a habit to at least visit every other month. Whenever we would argue I would threaten to leave him. Growing up, when things got rough, I have always been told you could leave the situation. We never broke up; we always talked it out. This past March I went to visit him for a week. He proposed. At first, I was hesitant, I was never one to think of myself as being married. Some days past and the idea really grew on me; especially with him. On April first we got into another argument and I made the same mistake again; this time he did not take me back. He would not talk to me (texts, phone, etc) I gave him space for a week before reaching out to apologize. However, since I was so quick to ask for forgiveness he thinks I use breakups as a weapon (looking back, I totally did). I asked if it was something that we could work on and he said he did not know; that he just did not want to talk to me right now. After another week and a half of silence, I caved. I told him I loved him but I couldn't live with the ghost of him. That I want the opportunity to show how I could fix my mistakes but how it seemed like I would not get that chance. He responded shortly after saying his heart wants to take me back but his head believes I would just make the same mistake. I told him I want to prove it to him but in the end I just want him to be happy. That it breaks my heart but I just want him to be happy. He said it broke his heart too and I replied I wouldn't know. He thought I was trying to be hurtful so he responded, "Fine, say what you have to to hurt me. Goodbye." After that, I made all of the wrong moves. I cried, begged, made promises (I am embarrassed to admit I did this during our post break up conversations). I tried to explain that I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks; that I had no idea what was going through his mind. This happened April 15th. It's May 5th. I have not reached out to him. Every time I get the urge to I write my message on a notepad. I have had time to reflect on myself and the situation and I have come up with action steps to take when the feeling of fight or flight arises. I have accepted the break-up and I understand why it happened. However, I do not know where to go from here. I want us to be together. We have been together for 6 years and he just proposed. I do not know how to reach out to him and I do not know what to say? Do I send a casual text or is it more of an elephant in the room scenario? Thank you for taking the time to read; I hope to hear from....anyone soon.
This would require more of an elephant in the room scenario, especially since the relationship ended on a bad note with several issues that have not been addressed. Show him that you are sincere and apologetic about how you acted in the past.
Hey everyone,
No Contact was a success for a month. Sent the elephant text/apology for my actions after and it was well received. I was planning on waiting five days, but she texted me one day after apologizing for hurting me. It's been a day since I read it, and I'm not sure if I should break that 5 day rule or not by responding to her. Ideas? If I stay quiet, how do i explain myself at the end of the 5 days? Thanks
If things are going positively, I recommend going along with the flow but using our timeline as more of a guideline rather than a rule.
Hello,
My ex boyfriend and I dated for 4 months and we were great! We were so in love and had a good time together. About a week before we broke up, he was concerned about me moving away and forgetting about me, though I will only be an extra 30 minutes away. We talked it through and we both said we wanted to get through it thick and thin. The night before we broke up, I went up to the church he performs at and it seemed like we didn’t have any problems. We hugged and kissed and I didn’t think that would be the last time I would. The next day we broke up because he said God was calling him to singleness for a while. It hurt so bad because we are both Christians and the fact God did this hurt so bad. A week later, I asked if I could call him to ask him some questions to try to figure out what this all means for us. He said he didn’t really know why but God called him to he single. He said he was happier being single but I really don’t believe it. He says he still wants me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I told him to give it a month to make sure it was the right decision. My question is what do I do after this month has ended? Do I contact him? Do I wait for him to contact me? Will he lose interest in me after one month? Did I even do the right thing in telling him to wait and see? I’m kinda worried because I do love him so much and I don’t think our relationship needs to be forgotten so soon. I’ve prayed about it, and now I just need some really helpful advice. Thanks!
-Anna
Hey Anna, you can use this article to serve as a guideline on what to do after NC has ended. Keep in mind that while as disrespectful as this may sound to the religion, ensure that his reasoning of God calling him for singlehood is not actually just a convenient excuse to use instead of saying that he lost feelings for you.
I think his feelings are honest because we talked about it and he said he felt that we were “unequally yoked” and “not on the same path spiritually”. I might be just oblivious to it and he might be lying to me, so what if he has lost interest in me? What do I do then?
If he has lost interest in you, follow the guidelines in our website on how you could go about rebuilding attraction, but if he genuinely ended the relationship due to differences in both party's spiritual paths, then it might be harder to convince him otherwise.
Hi,
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she said she needed more independence and wanted to live her life and grow on her own. We go to different colleges about 3 hours apart so the entire breakup happened over the phone. It took me about a week to stop texting her after the breakup but have been on no contact for about a week now. We had agreed that we were going to meet up in person when we both got home after exams in a little over a week. I had told her she owed it to me to break up with me to my face and she agreed. After reading this article it sounds like that might be too soon to meet up. My plan right now is to wait for her to initiate contact about the details of the in-person meeting. When/if she reaches out, should I tell her I don't have time to meet? I'm leaving on a trip the day after so I could get away with saying I need to pack.
Thanks in advance.
It depends on the situation, but generally yes, it is still too soon to meet her. I don't think you should enforce that face-to-face breakup as it would only serve to strengthen the reality of it and may even lower your chances.
Hello,
Girlfriend and I dated for about 6 months, and to cut things short, things ended because she felt like we just didn't "connect" anymore. After 2 and a half weeks of no contact (by 2 weeks she sent a drunk FaceTime call, which I didn't respond to), I sent her a elephant in the room letter, apologizing for how I acted so needy and desperate during the breakup. After I started rebuilding attraction via text messages, slowly. I started to notice this new guy on her snapchat story. She always posted pictures of them together in friend groups, rather than just the two of them. I never thought anything of it. When I would message her, she would always reply but she wouldn't do so very enthusiastically. Her behavior changed a lot after I sent that letter. I started to notice that guy was on her story just about every weekend. Something to note, we are in college together. Anyways, just now I saw she went to Boston on a boat with some random people and this guy too. It was on her snapchat story again. My friend tells me she was walking with him, just the two of them, to his car so he could drive them there. It's been 5 and a half weeks, and she started hanging out with this kid only 3 weeks after the breakup. Finals end next week, and they are from two different states, hours apart. The kid looks nothing like me, and my friend tells me his ex used to date him and that he is a total douchebag and not a nice person. She has been with douchebags in the past and used to always tell me when we were together that I was so nice to her and she hated that all the people she was ever with were dicks to her. I haven't spoken to her in 9 days, when I sent her a memory text and talked about my past insecurities and how I've worked on them. Anyways, does this seem like a rebound? And does it work in my favor that this kid is a total dick, something that she has dealt with in the past and has no problem ending things with? Also, what should my move be now? Just no contact again during the summer? When will I know when to reach out? Thanks,
-Phil
Hi,my girlfriend and I got back together in November.But recently,she spends more time watching tv and movies,than she does talking to me.I go all day and half the night without hearing from her. She claims that her house has bad cellphone reception,except in her living room,where she watches movies at.I feel she can make the effort,if her phone reception is good there.We used to talk all the time and I'm starting to wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong?
It could be that she's getting bored of the relationship, or losing interest in you. You're going to have to find a way to re-create the spark and new memories with her if you don't want her to pull away further.
Hi.. I had been in relationships with one girl since last 3 years, although she and me both had rough time in between. Last August we decided to get marry, but because of some serious family problems I had to stay away from her for two months.. In which she started having new new problems, eventually she broke up with me in November 2017. However we used to talk on phone on n off rarely, met few times in last 5-6 months. Then suddenly before few days she again started talking to me and u realised that she was seeing some guy since we broke up. Right away. And now they had very very ugly situation so she broke up with him. She is kinda miserable n so she came back to me to talk.. I wasn't seeing anyone in these months. I really loved her and was concentrating to move on.. Now we both still are single. What I should do, how I should behave and what shoul be my behavior with her and my own emotions??
Keep things casual and don't act desperate or needy but be there for her and slowly re-build attraction from there.
Hi. My bf and I dated for 13 months though the last month he was really distant and we only hung out once and barely texted. I knew he was really stressed since he was switching jobs and had some important presentations coming up so I tried to just give him some space. I texted about once a week that I was upset at the distance and missed him during this time. Finally, he said we needed to meet to talk. That’s when he ended it by saying he just wanted friends in his life, nothing more. I didn’t say much and after a few minutes of just sitting there I left in tears. I texted him once that night saying that I was angry and disappointed and I wished he had just talked to me. Then I wished him good luck on the new job. That was a few days ago. I’ve told myself to keep all my appointments and plans and so far it has been really helpful but I have one problem. An event in a little over a week, a work happy hour, that I always go to has been turned into a goodbye happy hour for him (we used to be at the same company). My original plan was to go for a hour and then keep an appointment at the gym. But now I don’t know what to do. If I don’t go it will seem like I’m avoiding him and not ok (I’m sad and miss him terribly but I am ok), because I always go, but if I do then I’m breaking NC and maybe it looks like I’m trying to see him. What do I do? We have some mutual work friends and his new office is in my neighborhood so I know eventually we’ll run into each other but is this too soon?
You could use this article as a guideline on how to handle events where meeting your ex becomes unavoidable.
I had a question about after no contact. If they ask you about any women you've seen since the break up would it be best to be very vague and not really tell them much, or to tell them everything to make yourself look more available.
It would really depend on the type of person your ex is, but generally I would advice on not to play too many mind games because it may easily backfire where she gets jealous or on the opposite end think you are trying to show off and win the break up.
What is a realistic time frame to keep in mind or to let me know when to call it quits and move on?
I am on reconnecting right now. After a month of no contact back in January.
During no contact, she messaged me that she missed me but I successfully proceeded with no contact and I even talked to someone else and went out on a date with them until no conact was over and then reached out with the elephant in the room text and received a positive reaction. We have been texting and talking on the phone and hanging out maybe once a week, sometimes twice, ever since but JUST AS FRIENDS.
Reconnect started the beginning of February so it has been almost 3 months since we’ve started hanging out and talking again and getting along fairly well. We talk pretty much every day. Sometimes she’ll initiate and sometimes I do.
Sometimes I feel as if she wants to take it further than friends again, and sometimes I feel as if she doesn’t. Sometimes I feel there is someone else she is talking to, sometimes I feel she is not. I take it this is normal.
I want to keep rebuilding the attraction but some days it just feels as if I should move on.
My question then is, is there some sort of time frame say for example 6 months and if she hasn’t said anything, move on? Or 8 months? Or is there no deadline, if you will. How should I proceed?
- Thanks.
To be honest, there isn't a real guideline on this matter because different people would adhere to different speeds and success levels. Usually, it's up to your own personal stamina on this, and if it's taking a toll on your emotional well-being. Perhaps have a conversation with her soon regarding this matter and where she stands.
Hey. So I was quite far into no contact with my ex until I got quite ill this weekend and contacted him about it. He came to see me in hospital and has been texting me a little bit. Do I need to start no contact again with him? Thank you
Hi
Im in a very delicate situation, we have been together for 2 years and half.
But so 2 weeks ago i asked him a time break, and that was when things got really messy, the morning after i said i didnt want the break time, but i thought he needed, and he accepted! During that week since i was feeling depressed, i was totally broken down to the core, i was having panic attacks and calling him when i knew all he wanted was space and time to deal with the stuff, i was sending him messages saying that he didnt care and if he was having thoughts of breaking up he just should do it. Summarizing i was the fuel for him to break up with me.
I didnt want us to break up, from that day i asked him to pick his stuff at my place and up until now things are still in my place. I have broken the no contact rule and spoken to him 2 times already one 4 days after the break up, and another after 3 days.
We talked like friends and the 1st time i only asked why he lefted me because on the day we broken up i wasnt myself, and i apologized to him for that. He also said things could have been different if he talked more to me at certain times, but things were done and we could only move on. Which i agreed because i want to turn the page and start anew but with him present, that time we spoke in fb but we kinda laughed at some things too. The other time was 2 days ago, i said if he agreed to stay as friends he should fb me more and he shouldnt ghost out of my life, and he said he would send more msgs, and we also talked for 1h and we spoke a bit and was kinda forced but we had a good talk, there wasnt bad memories from it. I said in the end that i liked to talk to him and i didnt know if he felt the same and he said that he liked to talk to me too and to not worry about it.
After our break up my friends that see him in classes say that he looks like he havent slept he looks sad, and he started smoking again (he quitted this year by himself i never asked that of him).
I know im an atomic bomb and i have a lot of trust issues and we broke up because of miscommunication and because of the bad mood i was causing due to my depression, we are still friends but and i know my hapiness is not defined by him, but what i loved the most was i could share my hapiness with him and see what made him happy. Can you help me what ca i do?
As you've mentioned, he probably just needs some space and time to deal with all this, so it might be a good idea to let him breathe a little while you spend some time picking yourself up and building upon positive changes in your life. Find a way to deal with the emotions and insecurities because if you don't, getting back together may result in a similar outcome down the road if your emotions get the better of you.
Hi Kevin,
I had been with my ex for 6 years and he broke up with me suddenly claiming that he does not love me anymore. His only explanation was that we had many fights in our relationship and it was very tiring for him to compromise. He was not willing to give me another chance to fix things because he doesnt want to give me any false hope that he will fall in love with me again. He felt that we will still be fighting over the same thing in the end if we get back together. We agreed to remain as friends but he claimed that it is still quite awkward and weird for him to become close friends again. He said that he needed time to sort things out but is not interested in pursuing a relationship currently.
As I have always initiated contact with him after the breakup, he always replies but never tried to initiate a conversation with me. I have just started my no contact period but should I be posting my everyday life on social media or should i block him so that he doesnt know what is happening in my life? Please advice!
Keep him on social media and post on the positive changes you're making to your life. Ultimately, you want him to see that you're making changes and reconsider the relationship.
First of all, thank you very much for this comprehensive and detailed plan. I was not expecting to find Information of this quality.
I would like to pick your brain about my Situation - My gf of a year and a half and I went on a break 2 days ago - she initiated this move which was very surprising and out of the blue. We are in a LDR, are seeing each other quite regularly and for Extended periods of time. The relationship has been far from perfect - she is severly depressed and has a hard time to get her life back on track. I have not been reacting quite insecure and codependent throughout the relationship because she is not the most loving Person at all times due to her Depression. Now that I know more about this illness I can see how my behavior drove her away and was not the most supporting behavior - even though I have been very supportive of her in general.
She said that she couldn't handle the pressure of a romantic relationship at the Moment because she can't even handle herself and my insecure behavior has also been a lot as I already mentioned. She said that she loves me very much but my behavior has driven her away a Little bit. I was very understanding and calm throughout the whole talk and supported her in her decision, knowing that I also needed to work on my codependency. We agreed on no contact until we both felt better - however she texted me yesterday morning saying that she was thinking of me and the she hopes that I have a good day. And hoping that she wasn't intruding. I answered short but nice and I called her in the evening and we had a nice and short phone call where we shared quite some laughters.
My codepedent mind is freaking out at the thought of not contacting her and basically treating this like a break up so that there would be a clean slate. But I know it's the only way.
Do you see any chance in this going somewhere again?
As long as you had a meaningful relationship with her, it's unlikely that she would move on so quickly. However, avoid letting the codependent mind as you put it get the better of you because she clearly felt stressed out by the emotional aspects of the relationship, and by acting on your emotions may end up pushing her further away. You want to remain strong and someone she can seem to depend on when she needs to, instead of having to pick up because of insecurities.
I ended things with my boyfriend, thinking I wanted to and that it was the right thing. It has been 4 weeks and I still want him back. The problem is that he already has a new girl. The week after I ended things he posted pictures of her on snap chat captioning it date night with hearts and other things like bae. I didn't know he could already be with someone after a week. We were long distance and it makes me feel like he may have been cheating on me, or that this is just a rebound. 2 weeks after breaking up even after posting those pictures of her, he drunk texted me and I should have left it at that, but I replied in the morning with this long text saying something along the lines of "while you're with a new girl, I am still heart broken and that your actions have been immature and that maybe it was right for me to end things." I never heard a response and the week after he posted a picture with the same girl at a concert on instagram that I was supposed to go to with him. Did I ruin my chances by that text? I want to get him back, but don't know how serious he is with her, and don't know if me calling him immature made him not want to be with me even more. I want to work harder on the long distance relationship this time around and need to know what to do to go about it from here. I feel like he may be doing this to get back at me, but he also is the guy that jumps into a relationship. Please help me what to do. Thanks
I don't think you ruined your chances by replying, but if he is someone who jumps so easily to new relationships, it might be something to be wary of because he may have been talking to her even before the breakup as you've mentioned. At this point, while he's still together with someone else, there's not a lot you can do either way, so it might be a better idea to focus on yourself for the time being.
The TL;DR: I'd love your advice on what to text my ex who abruptly ended things because he's moving for a job. Background is that we were dating exclusively for several months with so much in common, both were taking it seriously but slowly, no games, so I really saw it going somewhere.
Although I knew he was interviewing, I didn't know his goal was to move to a different market within Europe. The second he got this job, which doesn't start for another 3 months and is an hour away by plane, 3 by train, he ended things, telling me that i was the “total package,” but that “for now, long distance seemed too difficult…”
I responded saying that I had considered him to be the total package, that I have no expectations, but that I would like to continue seeing him, at least while he’s still in town. He never responded, which shocked me because what we had was really great, so no reason to just throw me away.
The no contact period is over so my question is what can I text him to get him back, to get him to at least open the lines of communication and try to be open to having me in his life? I know a new job is a new life, (& I also understand his decision!) but I’m heart-broken and can’t believe that I’ll never talk to or see him again, especially since he’s still here and what we had was really great.. During the relationship, I wasn’t clingy at all, gave him a lot of space, time, etc, but I did cry when he ended things.
There was probably a reason why he didn't hesitate to end things with you the moment he found out that he was going to move cities for a new job. It could be entirely no fault of yours, and he just wasn't serious enough about you, or felt that he still wasn't ready to settle down, etc. I suggest you try to figure out what that reason is before you consider trying anything again because if he wasn't serious about you from the start, then it may be better not to waste your time any further.
The reason was that he'd been having quite a few conversations with this company, so already was in the mind space of leaving the current city & life behind. In addition, from the time he got the offer and we talked on the phone, to the time we met in person & there was still hope, and then to the time he ended it a few days later, it was clear that he'd talked to a lot of people who told him LTRs fail, and had really given it thought. When we talked Thursday, he said we'd talk about it together Sunday, made what sounded like normal plans on Sunday. On Sunday, it was clear he'd talked to people who were against LTRs, and had thought about it, BUT was still open because he said he'd never expected to meet me, and also said he didn't know what to do. And on Wednesday he texted to end it.
I understand him being career-driven and doing what's best for his career, and I support that, which I told him, and also made it clear I had zero expectations. I don't understand completely cutting off all communication.
I've been thinking of sending a few different texts. He's extremely goal-oriented, able to separate from emotions/can be "cold", so I don't know what to tap into to get a connection:
1. that I was at place X we'd been to in the winter, that it made me think of him, and ask how he is/write "hope you're well
2. same as above, but say how difference place X was in the spring, and either a. say "hope you get a chance to go before you leave" OR actually ask him if he would want to go
3. Tell him i got back into sport X, ask about that place where he played, with a "hope you're well"
4. be honest and say that I know he's got a lot going on as he's prepping for the move, just wanted to know he's on my mind, let him know that I'm always here for him (though I know this won't elicit anything), and that I'd like to be part of his life (though said in a more chill way)
5. other option?
To your point, I think he was starting to separate emotions for me/distance himself emotionally, from his career goals, so I'm stuck.
If that is the case, to be honest there isn't much you can do to change his mind because a guy who puts his career first may very well be someone who isn't afraid to cut things off from his life to achieve his goals. If he genuinely is like that, perhaps you might want to consider being fair to yourself and moving on instead.
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I tried this.
And yes it worked. Me and my ex are back together. I did not call text and when I saw him I treated him with respect and smiled. I held no unnecessary conversations. I concentrated on me and made some very positive moves. He had to realize for himself what he had. Even though we are back I am still following these guidelines to keep him on his toes. I am still making moves too! I'm unstoppable! Thank you!
Hello, I have been dating a guy for 1 year, we were even planning to get married. Without a notice, he asked for a break beore valentine without giving me any reason. I tried to bare it for 2 weeks before i decided to contact him for us to talk, which he didn't do. After 4 months of been on a break with , i told him i couldn't continue like this . He then asks us to break up. i wish to get back with him but it has been 10 months since that we have broken up. Can it be possible for us to get back given this long time frame and also during this 10 months , every 4 months i was tryong to text him to get back together
It sounds like he may have lost feelings for you and even possibly someone else, if he decided to break up so suddenly with no explanations and still refuses to entertain you even up till now. You could try contacting him again but if the outcome remains unchanged, perhaps you might want to considering walking away.
I'm 25 and she's 21, we have been together for about 1 and a half years. We broke up 3 months ago. During 2 of those months, I've done most of the things you're not supposed to do, such as beg, plead, sent roses, gifts and a hand written letter. She said she wanted to hang out but wasn't ready for a relationship, silly me said no I couldn't do that. So fast forward 1 month later with no contact, she has since then unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. Updated her profile picture, and rejected my offer to go hang out to go to one of her favourite places. Myself I have started to get fit and active again, posting food pictures and things. So after rejecting my offer, I said ok no worries, hope one day we can hang out as friends. She said "dont think so" and "take care".
Where do I go from here? I mean we were a good couple together, everyone said so and we both believed that too. At the start I had lied to her about my situation because I believed she wouldn't like me as I was then (I know I was wrong), but she confronted me 4 months into the relationship and I apologised and she said she would try to trust me again but it would be hard and slow.
Do I still have a shot of getting back with her? I think she has moved on...
There may be a chance that she's moved on, but also a slight chance that she still cares about you, but feels negative towards you over the actions you made after the breakup and hasn't fully gotten over it yet. If you're willing to wait, perhaps give her some more time before initiating contact again and for now just focus on your own life and try to be happy.
Hi Ryan, my simple question is....How should I handle my situation if i made every mistake in the book and now i pushed it so far that I am blocked. I do not get the choice to initiate "No Contact Rule" on my terms. Does it still work/apply? Is my situation even salvageable?
If it has come to that extent, then no contact becomes the next necessary action because of your lack of other available options. It may still work, but may take longer than the stated time frame and there's still no guarantee that you'll get your ex back. It would really depend on how ugly the situation turned out and how mad/angry your ex is towards you.
Me and my ex have been together for a solid 5 years but before this we were on and off for 5 years as we were teenagers, I am 25 and he is 26. First of all a month ago he asks for space/a break as he was unhappy and needed time to miss me. I said ok but I said I would wait on him because I love him! We stayed in his mum and dads house confined to one room so which obviously isn’t healthy for any relationship so I think we started taking each other for granted etc and he was desperate to move out but I had quit my job a few months before and started working part time which I think he kind of resents me for and I think that’s where the unhappiness comes from.
I gave him space for 2 weeks till I found out he had been messaging another girl. I went mad at him for this and he told me that nothing has happened he was only talking to her and he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with anyone else. He eventually said he thinks we should call it a day if I can’t give him the space that he needed. So we broke up. He said he couldn’t help how he felt and that the spark was gone. I gave him 2 weeks of no contact till he messaged me asking to meet up and talk about the break up for closure because he hated that it ended on bad terms, I said yes at first but then said I wasn’t ready.. I kind of let him know that I get why we broke up and I’m focusing on myself etc etc, so that I didn’t come across needy!
he said he wishes it could be the way it was in the beginning because he still loves me and it’s killing him everyday to know that I’m hurting and he knows how much of an amazing person I am, he wants me to be happy and he’s rooting for me in life! This was 2 days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since, he has sent the last message because I thought that would be best if I ignored a txt message to start no contact with.
I know we are meant to be together we are soulmates and he is a really great guy! We had a great relationship up until a few months ago. I’m just wondering if it’s salvageable and if I can make him change his mind about me because I know that I can do things differently next time around. Thank you!
There's still a chance that he has feelings for you and cares about you, but just needed breathing room and probably for some changes to be made in order to see the relationship and you in a different light. He says he lost the spark for you, so perhaps it might be a good idea to figure out how best to gain it back with him during this time.
Hi Kevin, me and my boyfriend were together for about 3 weeks and he told me he loved me, and that I was the first girl he ever properly loved, it made me feel really special, however we split last Thursday because of my jealousy towards his friend, they have no history of any kind but I felt insecure, to which point he said he needed time to which I gave him, however by Sunday he had already messaged me saying he missed me and he needs me in his life, so we started talking again but it was very awkward and Tuesday this week he got angry and said that there was no way back for us and that we were over for good, but I love him so much, so I'm going along with the no contact rule to give him space and time to calm down, do you have any other advice for me?
Keep in mind that your relationship with him was only for 3 weeks and there has not been enough time for a meaningful relationship to build up yet. I would suggest that instead of going with 30 days of no contact to give him a couple of days before trying to work out the issues between the two of you.
So how do you do no contact if you still need to communicate regarding the kids and business stuff that we have to communicate on?
Keep the conversation strictly on a 'need to' basis, and only about the kids. Avoid small talk and personal topics.
Hi , I met a guy three months ago at a bar and we immediately clicked . He came home with me that night and all we did was talk for hours and hours ... ever since that night we had been inseparable . My friend was with me and met his friend and now they are dating as well . Everything was perfect and I quickly began spending almost every night and weekend at his place ... we had so much fun together and both shared so many things about our lives with each other that we have not shared with anyone else in a long time . We both got out of horrible relationships and clearly have trust issues . Due to anxiety and trust issues I decided to end it but quickly tried to take it back and he called my bluff . I’ve definitley committed the deadly mistakes and I don’t know if there is coming back from my craziness . I just know that he truly was falling in love with me and I don’t want to lose him . P.s my best friend is still dating his best friend so I see him all the time .what should I do ?
Give him some space for now. IF you say that both of you have trust issues, he may be feeling upset or betrayed by your actions so you might have to give it some time before you try talking to him again.
My boyfriend ended it on Sunday, we have been together 9 months, he’s still married and living with his wife and kids but they are serparated. She doesn’t know about me, he wanted an amicable divorce with no names mentioned. We had a life planned together and were so very in love. He decides Sunday he can’t handle the double life anymore and ends it. Blocks me, I get angry and send the wife a message of our relationship. I immediately regret it as I know I have hurt other people now just becuase I’m hurting. I sent him a message after saying how sorry I was, all I got back was “never ever contact me again”
Is it even worth me trying to get him back? we were so in love and I know it was all getting to him. I’m completely devestated and sorry.
Given the context of this situation, it may be a long while before he forgives you if not at all, especially if your text to his wife causes his life to fall apart. It might honestly be better to focus on moving on instead.
Hey Ryan. I have dated my ex for two months and things we're great til he has to back to France. We had 3 months of long distance relationship and things became less good and we broke up ( we broke up few times in the middle but he always texts me and tell me he doesn't want to so we never really broke up). But this time we did broke up. He still texts me since Christmas or randomly snow pics. After I didn't reply him he asked " do you care about me?" Then I got mad because he was the one who got distance first. But then he still texts me each festival. It has been four months since we broke up and I did the 30 days no contact rule and improved myself. I started talk with him this week and he responds positively or neutrally. I wish he will like me again. What should I do ???
People have very different behaviors when in a close distance relationship and LDR because of the lack of physical contact, but it may not mean that he lost interest in you or stopped caring back then. Perhaps start by trying to build up a level of familiarity again in texting him, but just keep in mind that trying to get back together without actually meeting may be a little tough because of the lack of actual reconciliation.
Hi Kevin, I once posted here about my boyfriend and was advised to do NC which I did and when I later messaged him he was like "shey you've forgotten about me ". We spoke casually but not as normal.. And since then we haven't talked again... It seems he has deleted my contact. Just figured one way or the other. And it makes me feel like he wants to delete me totally from his life.. What do you advice I do.. Thanks
There would probably be bits of awkwardness again at the start of contact, but you should continue to try building a comfortable level of communication with him so that any hint of awkwardness or animosity goes away.
Hi, how do I do that because, I'm the one who has to do the contacting first.. So how do I get to build communication when it feels like I'm the only one interested... Thanks.
It certainly has to be a both ways thing in the long run, but perhaps for the start if the other party isn't as interested, build on mutual or familiar topics that can keep the conversation going.
Hi. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and we spoke last two weeks ago. But we live in the same building, so I bump into him quite a lot and I feel so bad after seeing him. And we have a lot of mutual friends. So this weekend, I have a party at a friend and I´ll know he is going to be there. Is it best to avoid it? I want him back so bad and I’m trying the no contact rule, so I don’t know what I should do in this situation.
You could go to the party if you feel confident enough, but avoid contact with your ex and hang out with other friends instead. However, if you think that the situation may get too awkward, it would be better to avoid such events until you're more okay seeing your ex but without the emotional downturns.
Hi Ryan just a up date ... she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?! Also Rryan please I need answer soon. Also please read my question from April 9th below Kris S.. you didn’t respond. We are together now but she feels distant or like I annoy her.
My BF and I broke up 3 days ago. We began dating about 5 months ago and became extremely serious very quickly. We lived 2 hours apart from each other, and only got to see each other a limited number of times each week. For the first few months of the relationship, we could not be broken apart by anything. We would constantly talk throughout the day and we always video chatted at night for hours. We had an occasional argument every now and then, but nothing that we did not work through. He always told me plans of his future and how amazing it would be, and I was always included in these plans. After approximately 4 months, things started to become different. When we would go out, things just did not seem as special, and we did not have that original "connection" that we once had. We would get along, but then one of us would say something that would trigger a negative response in the other, which would escalate into an argument. I began to feel as though he was putting other things in place of me and that I was moving down his priority list, day by day. Finally, one day after a pretty hefty argument that ended in making up, he told me that he had planned work events for the next several months during our regular times of meeting. I responded with fear and voiced my concerns to him; however, he found my response to be condescending and took it in a way that made it sound like I was being selfish for worrying about when I would get to see him and how the distance would affect us as a couple. After a few days of arguing and going back and forth, we decided to end things before they became any worse. He now claims to be happy and is moving forward with his life. We still talk on a daily basis just as "friends", but the occasional affectionate comment is made, which confuses me. I am very confused as to what to do at this point. I love him, and I can truly see us having an amazing life together in the long run, and I feel like this is a mutual feeling. I just feel as though he needs to get his priorities straight. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
This is common for most relationships. After the initial honeymoon stage, and the novelty of the relationship wears off, couples start to get more impatient with each other, less tolerant, and generally feel a loss of spark or passion. Talking with him on a daily basis may have helped him avoid dealing with the breakup thus far, and isn't going to help you win him back. The best advice I can give is to read our articles and follow the guidelines on winning him. This includes applying no contact to give him an opportunity to miss you and let the breakup sink in for him so that he may end up regretting his decision.
Hey there I had a question, how long or how many months before one should cut our losses and walk away? I’ve been rebuilding attraction for about 2-3 months and I’ve tried escalating and so far she has responded positively, i suppose. It seems she has gotten used to the idea of talking to me every day again and often times she’ll seem upset that i dont reply or if she calls and say im at the gym, she’ll say “call me when u leave” and sometimes i dont just to test the waters and she’ll tell me “why didnt you call” or “i didnt hear from you anymore”. From time to time she’ll bring up things from our relationship that she didnt like (things i wasnt even aware of) and then she’ll say lets drop it and she’ll seem upset. Kind of a mood killer. It wont be out of the blue though, for example this last time she brought it up because we brought up a particular event we went to and then she said something about that event that i did that she didn’t like (which she never told me at all).. She doesn’t respond negatively to physical touch either. I know this is all good news i guess but there are often times when it seems she doesn’t want to get back together or it seems she doesnt have feelings for me. It’s odd but sometimes it feels this way. So idk if i should bring something up or just keep it going???
It would seem that she isn't responding negatively to you which is a positive sign. However, it does feel that she has communication issues, and you would have to learn how to get around it and find an effective way to get her to tell you about what she feels. Her feelings towards you right now may not have increased from the last time perhaps because something is stopping her from doing so, and she isn't telling you about it. You could try to talk to her about it to understand how she feels towards you, and decide again from there.
My ex of 5 years and I broke up 6 months ago. We had just lost the spark in our relationship and felt more like best friends. I initiated the conversation more than him but it was a mutual decision. We shared a home and had to move out and it’s all been very painful. We continued to speak everyday up until recently when I noticed him become slightly more distant. I knew he had been speaking to another woman a couple of months ago but he kept promising me that this had stopped and that he was unsure of his feelings and whether there was a future for us. In the last couple of months I have started to regret the break up a lot. I wish we had put more time and effort into things instead of giving up. A couple of weeks ago after a conversation, it came to light that he had been on a couple of dates with someone else and told me he had slept with her and there was were the start of some feelings towards her. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he still loves me and cared about my feelings and hurting me. Luckily the girl has now moved to another country so it was a short lived thing but really hurtful as he was still speaking to me everyday. Although I am still worried they will keep up contact and maybe they may have a future! He has said now that he is sorry but he thinks there is no going back for me and him. To me it only feels like the break up has started now and not 6 months ago due to the fact we were still speaking all the time. I started no contact 3 days ago and today I had a message from him basically summarising our conversation from the other day saying how he feels and he still loves me and hopes I can be happy. I didn’t respond which has been really difficult as he sent another message asking if I had received the previous and that it had been hard for him to send and he hopes I’m ok. Do you think with continued no contact this could be salvageable?
Perhaps, down the road but you'll have to figure out what went wrong with the relationship exactly and if the spark can be re-created again with him. It works both ways, and if you think that by going through NC properly you'll be able to make clear positive changes in your life, the chances of you attracting him back would still exist. However, it might not be immediate and even then, there's no guarantee that he would become attracted to you again so you will have to mentally prepare for that as well.
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Apr 9th, 2018 at 04:20 am
To be frank, you're going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don't want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you're only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you're trying to win her back because you want her to stay.**************************************************To: -Ryan sorry dude I had to put you last message on here because it would not let me reply down below.. I’m not sure how often you get on here but I truly wish I had gotten this advance sooner be I already did this by begging her to stay and it pushed her away even more.. she s kept saying it’s a good move for her.. yesterday we went on a date to see if we can make it back to that point of relationship and I gave her a promise ring saying I wanted to marry her and I promise to do what it takes to makes things right between us.. she was so happy and said she would marry if I had proposed with a ring however she would still move to another city for her job.. I said that would put a strain on our relationship and wouldn’t work.. I said how cane we be engaged or married living in different cities? She said if we both make the necessary adjustements and work at it , it could work.. also she use to flirt and went on a date with a ex Co worker and is also moving to that same city.. she doesn’t have any family out there and doesn’t know anyone except the person who has been actively trying to her her attention and to have sex with her.. that pissed me off.. that’s one of the main reasons I didn’t want her to go.. I won be there and this other person will be around her 24/7.. the last night we had a argument because even though we are not together now she has been talking late night with her ex (child father) she spent the night at my house last night and he called after hours.. she admitted to talking with her and flirting and staying up in phone with him.. I got angry because I asked her how can we have a marriage if you’re still doing same things that broke with up so many times.. her excuse was we are just friends and I get from him what I don’t get from you.. however she doesn’t want me talking or being friends with any of my ex’s or even opposite sex. DOUBLE STANDARD! So since I just read your message now to supporting her she’s already mad at me and said she no longer attracted to me ..that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore... that we will never have same intense love relationship we once had.. keep in my just yesterday she was onboard with marriage before our argument to today I don’t like you at all and she wants me completely out her life and wants zero contact. Doesn’t make sense.. I sill love her and want her back and know we can work... her attitude changed when I brought up get communication with ex recently and me feeling she will cheat if she moves.. Help Ryan! Below is my last text to her .....Ok.. I still love you and will never fully understand you or the way you do things.. truth is I was real with you at the end of the day.. never wanted anything more than a healthy relationship from beginning.. I've given you a part of my heart no one has had in a long time.. always wanted better for you ..it's crazy we can't even maintain a friendship... I still care about you.. good luck with your new endeavors. ..Also one last thing.. I support you making a better move for yourself.. not saying so that would change anything at this point.. I'm honestly saying that.. put that on my nieces who I love to death.. I always wanted and like to see you doing better and making moves.. same reason why I supported you going back to school.. which I still support. I was being selfish yeah before because I wanted to marry you. So for that I apologize, however it still stands that I truly support growth. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. Hope you get the job you want or need no matter where it's located. Fr....Lol ok I'll stoping texting you now. ... by the way she ignored all messages.
Hi Ryan just a up date ... she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!
Thank you so much for your quick response. So since then he has been replying, some positive messages but when I said - let me know if you want to meet for a coffee or something be replied saying he misses me and us but is worrying if it’s the right thing to do. I left it and then a few days later wished him a happy Easter.
He’s been replying but with mostly neutrally to my positive good memory texts and I just don’t know what to do now. Please advise how on how to get him to want to meet with me/ attract him back?? I read somewhere you are supposed to text for a week those kinds of messages to open the lines of communication up and build rapport but I just feel like he’s not interested.
It’s been 2months since the break up.
It would be best to simply build upon casual topics right now to to build a level of comfort and habit between the two of you talking again. Get him used to that idea, until his trust in you and familiarity comes back, and he may then respond more positively towards your sweet messages.
Thank you so much for your rapid response again. He’s been replying more positively. Your advice is working and he has now asked to meet with me this weekend. Very thankful. Will let you know how it goes!!! :)
Hi. My girlfriend and i were a good couple. At least i thought so. We would quarrel but usually quick to resolve the issue and make up. We were together for around 3 months. During the 3 months, she loved me crazily, and i did the same. 1 month ago, i had to move overseas to study. At the start she was okay with it, she still loved me the same. But the past 2-3 weeks, she started making excuses for being too tired to text, or other reasons for not being able to video call. I could sense that the emotional connection between us slowly becoming distant. Last week, we called for short break in the relationship, we reconciled 2 days after. She said she wants to continue being together. Yesterday, she said she still has feelings for me, but it is lesser now, and she felt like her feelings were forced, which i didn't quite agree with because i believe that there is more to a relationship that just feelings; such as communication, trust, faith, effort etc. Nevertheless, i reluctantly agreed to break up. According to her, her love language is Quality time and Physical touch. Do you think it may be the lack of quality time together and lack of physical touch that could have caused her feelings to fade?
Anything you can recommend to help? As of now i haven't had any communication with her except through following each other on instagram
Long distance is definitely not easy for any relationship. It brings up the aspects we otherwise take for granted, and one being physical contact and time in your ex's case. Those factors can definitely cause someone to feel more distant from their partners. Depending on how strongly your ex needs contact and time in order to maintain her feelings for you, it may not be possible to find a permanent solution because the situation will still remain present as long as you're overseas. If you're only going to be away for a short period, perhaps it might still be possible to convince her to pull through until you return.
My gf broke up with me about 7 months ago. The first 4 months were just trying to patch things up but it didn't work. So I started NC last 3 months I messed up the first NC so i decided to do the second one. Next week would be the end of the second one. However my gf had a convo with my mum and she agreed to give me a 2nd chance. She told my mum I should call her. But I'm kindna like a phone call would be too confrontational. I forgot to say the main reason why we broke up was she accused me of not calling or showing enough care she just hate me texting all the time. Since she requested a phone call from me, do u think it is a good idea to text her and if I have to text or call her what would I say?
Since she hates texting and has requested for you to call, texting her may end up getting her angry again and reminding her why things ended the first time. I would recommend that you follow her suggestion, and give her a call. You could apologize for not showing her enough care or calling enough, and if she really has given you a second chance, work to change those aspects if you haven't already done so.
I think I have messed up again. I did text her and I had no reply and it has been 2 days since I sent her the message.this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven't talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you're loving your new job. 😊😊
Now I dnt know what to do. I'm wondering she won't pick up my calls but why would she tell my mum she would give me a second chance, does she really mean it? I would call her and try to apologize that I should have call when my mum told me to call. What do you think. Thanks for your reply earlier on.
I think I messed up again. I messaged her instead of calling her this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven't talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you're loving your new job. 😊😊
I had no reply. I dnt know how to approach her now. It has been 2 days since I sent the letter. Should i tell my mum to call her or i should call and apologize, would that look like I am desperate? What should I do?? Cos i have a feeling she might not pick up my call.
Hi,
Me and my girlfriend have a 6 months relationship, our family are conservatives and due to that I ended the relationship last month.
But after 3 days we are back together.
But now today she decided to end it.
I said that you are on the same phase as I was last month, so I will wait for you for come back.
I don't know what to do next.
After my breakup last month I am more committed in the relationship than ever before.
So what do I do to get her back. She is my classmate and I have to see her after 2 days
You could refer to this article on tips to deal with your ex if you have to face her on a daily basis. I would suggest going into No Contact for now, and giving her some space to decide what she wants to do.
so after 2.5yrs together, my fiance of 6mnths has ended it. he was my 1st relationship in all sense of the phrase, i had only ever had 1st dates before him. although we are the same religion, our backgrounds were different, my family being far stricter, and this was always a problem in the relationship as we didn't have the freedom he felt we needed in order to confirm we belonged together. despite that, he did propose on what was the best day of my life, however 1 week later, a fight about the usual, freedom in our relationship, really burst the happiness bubble. we struggled through the next 4mnths, always about lack of freedom, how i needed to be honest to family about what i wanted etc. wedding planning was not good. i bought a dress on a weekend we fought, the venue deposit was paid through bad feelings, no dj/cake/decorator/honeymoon got confirmed. just always me researching and suggesting ideas and him telling me this isn't the engagement that he wanted. he did order save the dates off his own back, so there was something in him that showed he wanted to get married, but no best man was confirmed, no stag, no grooms outfit, nothing. all we had was me crying that married life would be better than dating/ engagement as we would have the freedom he craved so much. eventually i gave in and found ways to lie to family; id stay over but even those nights often got ruined as his whole attitude was harsh and sad. he was never abusive physically or verbally. but he was unkind for sure. its confusing for me now as i want to live happily ever after with him and get the wedding back on a track. but even typing this i realise how awful a relationship it was, because of him. if he really loved me, freedom would not have been the end of the world, but it was. so he just didn't love me enough. i hate to admit it. i think i coerced him to propose and stay together as long as we did. i hate that i played myself for so long. worse, i hate that the limits to a full relationship in his eyes made a really fun exciting man into a sad and hurtful one. he was a great guy, i was so excited to be the woman in his life as he always wanted to do fun things and he was clever and smart. i just wish it had worked out. i'm not angry that he was so unkind to me, i wish he just had more patience and understanding of the limits i had. id love a happy ending to this but my hope is finally starting to fade
Hang in there Pam. These things happen, and we do hope that you'll have a happily ever after, but it was clear that he didn't seem ready to get married because of whatever reservations he had. The relationship had also probably tired him out and caused him to change over time, which in turn made you very unhappy. Give it some time and space, and see how things go again, but if it was genuinely not a healthy relationship, you are better off considering the alternative of walking away to find happiness elsewhere.
Hi there, My ex is dating with someone. though we still talk because were classmates. we still do the things we do. but im having a hard time with the new guy. and i cant make the no contact because we meet everyday
You could follow this article on tips of how to handle no contact in such a situation.
Hi,
So my ex broke up with me less than a week ago and I have tried to initiate NC, however he has text me and we are seeing each other to sort through out stuff. I have told him I need space to process this however, he still checks up on me to check if im okay even though he doesnt say much back to me. I am thinking of giving him about four weeks to have space as I know I need that too. What would you recommend the best way to contact my ex? He knows I like to write letters but has never written one to me and I don't want to scare him off and would like to get a response from him. This may sound weird but planning out my next moves for myself and even contacting him is helping me accept the break up. Thanks!
You could follow the guidelines found in our article on what you should do. Alternatively, this article might help specifically for your game plan after no contact ends.
I reconnected with my ex after 3 weeks no contact. Went good she suggested meeting for dinner, she bought I Did all the right things night went great.
After she said she didn't want to jump back into relationship. Knowing her I took this as her stringing me along. I panicked and wanted to rush the makeup talk, because she ending things really badly with me, she faked cheating to push me away. For sure she didn't after having a honest talk.
Anyways after I asked her to come to a club after a week. She comes we have a great dinner and night. She did say she felt she needed to date others to know if I'm the one casually during dinner.
We had great time she got too drunk. I took care of her brought her home after vomiting everywhere, cleaned her etc.
In the morning she's all over me affectionate and we were kissing etc. I haven't experienced this in months
We were going to meet up for dinner at my place and she was going to take me out to dinner It was going great.
Anyways few days later I get paranoid that she's maybe seeing that guy because I don't fully trust her after the breakup and still have doubts to whether she was cheating for real or not from before the relationship ended. Anyways I Caught her in a lie about where she was one night because I didn't want to continue if she was lying to me.
Anyways she pulled away said we weren't right for one another said she remembers why she broke up when I annoyed her trying to explain my rational for confronting her lie. And I pleaded to try and keep her dating me.
I said fine I'm cutting you out for good. Dot want you as a friend or a crutch while you date others. Or I'm a plan b. Your being mean etc. I said I'll. Give you a week to change your mind, she liked that idea and said she might contact me. I said I won't initiate ever again.
Should I go nc again? 30 days? Let her cool off for a few or give up?
She did says she was about to start seeing a guy off Tinder.
She seems to have feelings but knows we aren't right for one another.
Thanks.
Let her cool off for now, and perhaps go about NC anywhere between 2-4 weeks depending on the severity of the incident. Keep in mind that you should learn to control your emotions better and not jump to irrational thoughts or get overly possessive because you are not yet officially back together with her. I think that if you want a chance at winning her back, you would have to make some changes to your mindset and emotions, as the possessiveness and insecurities were probably what pushed her away this time.
Hi Ryan I need you help again. I got my girl back in January after completely the 30 day no contact.. it absolutely worked! Here’s the problem now. She recently broke up with me again a few days ago and this is the 3 rd time we have broken up. First time I broke up with her and last two times she broke up with me. After the 30 day no contact I was able to improve myself and heal somewhat. We got back together even tho she was hesitant at first. She broke up with me recently because she said I kept bringing up the past situations we fought about (she hooked up with her ex more than I once). We would argue about how she hooked up with him multiple times when we broke up and I said it was shady because if she loved me she would not have done that. Also same day we broke up , she hooked up with her ex , which is why I said shady.. didn’t make sense to just happen out of nowhere.. also she said I don’t care about her anymore or the relationship because of my nonchalant attitude.. this is not the case I care and love her but she sometimes takes me for granted so I purposely would be act nonchalant.. of course this just made things worse. She said we don’t work and never will because of this also she was upset we don’t have sex a lot.. she wants more sex but I was somewhat turned off by her hooking up with other people in the past.. I want her back and for us to work properly. Yesterday I asked her out to dinner and she made arrangements to meet me however we ended up arguing.. she says she feels she can never open herself back up to me again. She has a history of saying she wants me to chase after her then turn around and tell me not to chase her heart. What should I do to get her back and keep her? We don’t want to be stagnant relationship. I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to stop chasing her and she said yes , but then when I asked if she would allow me to show her I care and we can work with my actions, would she allow me to show her exp take her out or hang out.. she said yes she was willing to allow that.. I’m so confused dude about what this girl really wants . If she’s really done with me or if she just want me to try harder. Please please help Ryan
It's not only about what she wants at this point, but also the communication breakdown that you both seem to have. You'll have to learn to let go of the negative past events if you ever want anything to work out. You'll also both have to communicate your needs, and try to reach a compromise, and to avoid bringing up the past whenever you get into an argument. For the time being, going back into NC again might be the best solution as you give her some time to cool off before trying to reach out once again.
Thanks Ryan.. I have another dilemma now. She just told me today she has a job interview Monday for a position in another city. I love her and don’t want her to go. She says it’sore money and she would have stayed if we were together or engaged.. I asked her to be my gf again and she said no it’s too soon and I’m just saying that to get her back or to stay.. this isn’t true.. I was trying to do the N.C. rule again and give her space otherwise I would have asked her son time ago.. what do I do dude?! I can’t loose my girl.
To be frank, you're going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don't want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you're only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you're trying to win her back because you want her to stay.
My ex and I were together for almost 4 years, had a dog, lived together for the last one. It was a bad idea to move in together, we were at 2 completely different places in our lives. We started fighting more often than not in our last year, intense, hurtful fights. He broke up with me a month before Christmas when we were going away with his family- I was devastated. Although we didn't bombard each other with texts or calls we still didn't do NC and continuing arguing about everything in our usual fashion for about 3 months. We then did NC for a month, he reached out to me after we matched on a dating app asking to see me and the dog. We got together, it went ok, we didn't fight but we still had a bit of a heated discussion (on his end, I was calm in explaining how I understood we needed time to heal and get over our negative feelings). His issue is that he doesn't want to talk about things anymore, understandably so, because it's exhausting however we haven't actually resolved any issues.
We didn't speak for a week- he called me at 4am which I didn't answer. He then started texting me quite frequently, said he thought about me and our relationship a lot and although he wasn't completely fine he recognized some issues and was open for a discussion. We hung out, it was great, ended up sleeping together, but knowing he is on a dating app obviously I felt vulnerable and wanted to talk to him about it. Bad idea, for 3 days we had yet another one of our blow out fights with him yelling and swearing at me, calling me names, being downright disrespectful, because my bringing up my feelings were a reminder of why we broke up in the first place, it took him right back to square 1 because he remembered all the bad things he was feeling from before, saw that nothing had changed and needed to take a step back again (and the guy has a temper so this was not said in a nice way whatsoever).
So we are now back to NC which I intend not to break, it's been a little over 4 months since we broke up and I guess I'm wondering if we think he is going to reach out again, and if he does if it's simply because he misses me or because he's hoping to reconcile? Or if you even think we have a chance at reconciling at this point? His birthday is coming up and I'm wondering if I should text him (because he texted me on mine)- it will be in the 3rd week of no contact?
I guess I'm just struggling with the whole idea of other girls in the picture because despite being a confident person, I think someone should be committed to working things out with you, not keeping other options open...
It seems to me that unless you ex decides to change his way of dealing with conflict and negative emotions, even if you do reconcile with him, the same issues would occur as communication constantly becomes a major issue for both parties. His activities on the dating app may be a result of breaking up, in which you shouldn't overthink since everyone has their ways of coping which could stop once things settle down with him. You could drop him a text on his birthday but if NC has not ended yet, perhaps try to limit the amount of small talk for awhile longer, but use the birthday text to get a sense of how he responds towards you.
So my boyfriend broke up with me today. We broke up once before over a silly little thing which he admitted was a stupid reason. But this time I messed up. I lied about something pretty big and lied about it for a while. He found out from a friend that it wasn’t true. He asked me about it and I admitted to it. I lost his trust and he broke up with me. Idk if there’s still a chance or not.
You'll probably have to give him some space for now to cool off, and apply no contact first before attempting to re-gain his trust again and getting him to open up to you once more. It definitely depends on how badly he took it and whether he's a person who can forgive easily or not.
Hello.
My gf broke up with me with a message WhatsApp, she texted that she was not comfortable with me anymore. that really hurt me a lot, i never expected that, yeah, we had some troubles before, she was so irritated all the time that i was with her. Everytime i tried to be nice and calm down the situation, but she always found a reason to be upset with me. We have been together for almost 4 years. I give her space, and then 2 weeks without see each other she texted me that she was done, and i asked her if at least can the break up could be face to face, i want to see her a last time to say goodbye and thank her for everything, and she agreed. that happened sunday, im gonna see her this saturday, but we dont set up it "formal" i only asked if saturday can we see us to talk ,but we didnt set time, and no place where can we meet up.. what can i do? i havent texted since that day, should i text her that day? Please help. i want her back
Yes you could, or the night before to schedule a timing to meet. You might have to understand in greater detail why she could so easily lose feelings for you from 2 weeks of not contacting her, and if it's genuinely on her part that she requires patience and lots of physical contact in order to sustain an emotional connection, you might have a tough time following our guidelines on no contact.
Hi ,i were in a long distance mix culture relationship with my british ex bf.we have been together for one and half year,we visited each other or went to another country together. one month ago he broke up.with me.then he flew to Portugal to try to sleep with another chinese girl.and he made it.after that i started no contact.3 days ago i contacted him .he gave quite positive response .today he wanted to call me. i agreed.then he told me he was in the airport .going to fly to china to meet her new chinese gf which he slept with in Portugal.we talked only 8mins,then i hang up,he wanted to talk longer because he is bored waiting in the airport.now i am so frustrated,dont know what i should do during his visit this time.please help me.thank you.
If he is already dating someone new, perhaps it might a better idea to walk away from him and move on. It seems like because of his new partner, that he no longer displays romantic affection towards you and trying to re-ignite it while he is dating someone else is inadvisable.
Hello!
I did all the necessary steps and it was working for a bit. After NC I rebuilt communication with her through texting. We went out on 2 "friendly dates" and we both had the time of our lives. She was giving me some vague signs that things were going well but that could be because we had a great 2-year relationship and things never got ugly during our breakup. However, when I asked her for another meeting she said "we can't keep going out like friends". I finally convinced her to meet once more so I explained that I don't see her as a friend, that I learnt from my mistakes, our past relationship ended for a reason and I wanted to start something new with her. She got a bit emotional and did some blaming on both of us. She told me she doesn't want to try again because she wants to move forward and put herself first. We then spent the rest of the night hugging and laughing to our stupid inside jokes before saying goodbye, seemingly forever.
I now fully know the reasons to our breakup and it's definitely not something irreconcilable, more like bad timing and everyday life that led to losing the flame. We both know we can have a good time together, she still loves me and doesn't want anybody else at this time. She's affected by this but tries not to give me anything to hope for and wants to stay true to her decision because "not looking back" and "the best is yet to come". Seems like all hope for getting back together is lost. Is there anything I can still do?
Thanks!
The best thing left to do at this point is to give some time between the both of you. She feels this way now because ultimately, she may not have let go of all the negative emotions she felt back then. If you feel that bad timing and loss of spark was the key issues, if you really do want her back, perhaps address those issues by giving enough time to pass and both of you start to align more again in frequency. However, this time frame is not definite and it would probably require a lot of patience from you as you continue being her friend for now. If you think that you're unable to do so, moving on might be the easier thing to do instead.
Thank you for your response! It makes sense to think she hasn't let go of all the negativity. I'm all for being her friend for now but she isn't gonna let me be around because like I said it still affects her and makes her feel conflicted. So yeah, I'm not sure what to do next.
Continue giving her space for now since it's clear that she hasn't reached a stage where she's okay talking to you normally again. Continue with no contact and let more time pass before attempting again.
Hi Ryan, my 8months boyfriend broke up one month ago now. He confess me afterwards that he was going through a depression since 2 months (as he might loose his business) and that our relationship was stressing him out as I was often complaining. That he still loved me but he wanted to be single and focus on himself to sort out his life. I should have respect his wishes but instead I did everything I should not have done. Asking him to reconsider his decision many times, hookup maybe 3 times since then to keep contact, and sending him a lot of messages asking insecurity questions. I came at his without no warning to talk face to face 2 days ago around 11PM and he literally lost his temper saying I was weird, I was sending too many massages which distracted him, that I had too many red flags to be together again.. He asking me to leave and that he didn’t want to hear about me again. The next day I deleted everything phone number, messages, and unfollowed him to start to move on as I didn’t think I would hear from him again. But he eventually send me a text to apologize and explained me that he had a stressful day and was literally fed up with everything. So I am wondering do you think I have a chance to get him back with the NC period ? What shall I do ? Thanks a lot
Since he is feeling stressed out and is facing many issues, perhaps NC might do both of you some good since it gives him space to deal with his issues and let go of the pent up frustrations he might be feeling towards you. At the same time, it would be good for you to take some time to change any negative aspects of yourself so that when you initiate contact again, he would see you in a different light.
Hello,
My boyfriend (33) and I (29), a same-sex couple, were together for one year and four months. We would see each other every weekend and we would stay at either of our places since we live about 1.5 hours away from each other. During our relationship we texted daily, we travelled, I met and became friends with his friends, I would cook for us, everything was going great. About 6 months into the relationship there was a decrease in sex/fooling around, but I attributed it to him taking Adderall after we became a couple. I calmly brought it up twice throughout the relationship. We talked about it and he said he thought it was the medicine. We never really argued or fought at all. I felt that we communicated fairly well.
About a month ago, we met up in the city for dinner with a friend and we had a great time. The next evening, he drove up to my apartment and was shaking when he walked in. He said, "Babe, I think we need to break up." I felt shocked and said, "Ok, but can you tell me why?" he gave me answers that he wants to move to a new city and start a new life. That he wouldn't feel right asking me to move and what if he failed or decided to move back. He did say I could text him if I had any questions and he said he would answer them. I texted him a few times and he later said, he wasn't sure there was anything to bring the spark back. About a week post break up, he defriended me from Facebook, where I had only posted twice, but would "like" comments and other posts. I will admit that I went to his Facebook page and saw that some guy tagged him on a post. I had never heard of this guy before, and now I'm coming up with all sorts of thoughts and scenarios in my head. I'm trying my best to believe they're just friends.
I did no contact and finally sent him an email a couple days ago. It was formatted like Kevin suggests and puts no pressure on him to reply, and I'm not expecting a response. I know him well enough to know that he's a determined guy and will want to stick to his decision. I was blindsided by the breakup, but now that I've had the chance to look back on our relationship, I can see where we each could have done better. I wish I could have realized this earlier. I'll be waiting a week or two to send him a text message. My question is, would it be wrong to send a photo too? He always had the perfect meme or image for any situation and I'm wondering if sending one might help lighten the mood.
If it's a picture relating to the relationship that might lighten the mood as you say or bring back familiar memories, by all means include it within the next message you send him.
Hey,
My ex gf broke up with me on 4th of Feb 2018, we were together for 8 months things were going so good we loved each so much other until our last month, things changed and she got busy and we stopped communicating like we used to but i used to ask her whats going on and why she changed, she kept saying that shes busy moving to her new house but suddenly one day she told me that she cant continue this relationship because she got tired and shes afraid that nothing will happen between us in the future i tried to ask why whats wrong then she told me about this guy she met on the last month of our relationship and that she wants to be with him, at first i was shocked and really upset and i stopped communicating (NC) for 17 days then i initiated contact with her on day 18 but never showed a sign of weakness and i kept the conversation brief i made her laugh and everything was good but at the end of that week i couldn't hold myself about her and the new guy and i told her how i missed her and that we can sort things out and i tried to meet her but she refused and said she cant and refused to get back, she said its hard for her to be back together with me i felt so bad and That's when i stopped contacting her and used NC again but this time I'm doing it the right way and its my 27th day on NC but she didn't contact me and she didn't show any signs of missing me but 2 days ago she started posting pic of her new bf on Whats-app (we are friends on Whats app) and saying how much she loves him and she's happy with him she kept that post for about half a day then she changed it, I started to panic and I don't want to lose her,I love her so much and I'm sure that we can sort things out, so should i initiate contact with her? so that she doesn't move on with her new bf and forget about me or should i stay in NC ??
PS: she started to show her new relationship on snap chat and Instagram with this guy, she didn't use to do this stuff with me but i unfollowed her on snap chat and Instagram since the day we got broke...... so Why showing!!!!! ( we are apart for more than 1 month)
There might be a possibility that she may have moved on since the break up, but there's also a chance that he is simply a rebound, since people who get into rebound relationships tend to amplify their feelings of affection towards their new partner in order to escape the negative emotions of the breakup with you. Unfortunately, while she is still together with the new guy, there isn't much you can do (or should) because your actions would be met with hostility or negativity, and things may only end up getting worse. Right now, you can either decide to continue with NC further and observe what happens down the road, or consider moving on from her if you're unable to wait it out.
So I was only able to stop texting my ex fiancé for 2 weeks. When i messaged him he was being really cool. I asked him if he wanted to work things out and he said he didn’t know that we had to talk in person first. Well he was taking hours to reply to me but I saw on the app he was texting and talking to someone on the phone constantly. I called private and it was a girl. Well long story short I made a huge deal I texted her and told her whatever she could keep him. He wasn’t mad that I went through his privacy. I ended up apologizing to both because I obviously did wrong but things in a way for better for my ex and I. He said he still loves me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He told me to do myself and go out on dates. I’m really confused because he said he’s not going to be dating or sleeping with other girls but he is going to go out and socialize. He said we can be friends with benefits if there isn’t any strings attached. But we both love eachother so this is so confusing
Not to be negative, but it honestly sounds as if he has emotionally given up on the relationship with you for whatever reasons. The fact that he was nonchalant to your actions, wanting to continue going out to socialize and even suggesting to become friends with benefits does make it seem like he doesn't care. However, I may not know the full situation, and if you feel otherwise and want to win him back, perhaps give both parties some space and apply no contact. Definitely do not agree to becoming friends with benefits in the meantime.
Please help me...I was with my boyfriend for 6months, he is 45 and I’m 31...it was a very good relationship but last month was bad due to arguments because his ex gf harassing him all the time causing insecurities. We broke up 6weeks ago now -he said he needed space. I did 1week no contact then messaged to see how he is and then we communicated briefly and then he ignored me.
I sent him a hand written letter agreeing with his decision to split even though that’s not how I felt. I heard from him next day but then replied and he ignored me. I finished 2weeks of no contact a few days ago and initiated a good memory text and he replied with a polite formal message. I asked if he wants to meet for a coffee but he hasn’t responded. What do I do? I really need to see him and desperately want a chance to rebuild our relationship.
If he still continues to ignore you, it would best to properly finish No contact and give him more space since he has expressed it. You should be spending time within this period to make positive changes to yourself as well, so that when you do make contact after NC, he would see you in new light as a changed person.
My boyfriend broke up with me very suddenly about 4 days ago. He said he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and wanted to explore more things. We are supposed to talk again in several weeks. I am trying to go through the no contact period, however I go to school with my ex and I am unable to avoid him. I recently texted him that I wanted him to keep his distance so I could have time to think and heal from the breakup. He agreed to this, but hasn’t really been sticking to those conditions. How do I get him to miss me if I have to see him everyday? I am trying to act nonchalant around him but I’d rather us not have any contact at all. He is also not acting like himself around others and is trying to get attention and be outspoken as if to look like he is fine without me. He’s never acted like this before, what does it mean? I’d love to get back together in the future but I don’t know how to go about the no contact period if I have to see him every day.
You could refer to this article on ways to deal with an ex that you have to meet frequently. Additionally, his outspoken and unusual behavior may be the result of him still having feelings for you but unsure of how to process them, therefore actively trying to convince himself that he's fine.
Hey,
my long-distance ex broke up with me very recently, just a week ago. It was pretty weird because the first evening she didn't even say "It's over" or anything along those lines, and also she gave me a variety of reasons, a lot of which did not make sense. E.g. saying that we wouldn't fit together, although we have mutual hobbies and the same sense of humor and more (which is also why I think the relationship is worth fighting for).
She also said she just didn't love me anymore, but if so she was hiding it pretty well for the last few weeks and also made some odd decisions, like booking holidays with me not even a week before breaking up, or having me buy her a birthday present not even 2 days before the breakup (I know she doesn't give too much damns about birthdays so she could have easily said she didn't want anything).
In the last few weeks we did have some arguments, but I could not have imagined her breaking up just because of that, at least not before trying to talk calmly about it first.
So right now I am confused as to why exactly she broke up, and if she actually just does not love me anymore (since she really was not acting accordingly, and also because she broke up after an argument). And if she still has romantic feelings towards me, is going no contact still the right choice?
First figure out the reason why she broke up with you. She may have been confusing during the breakup and giving her reasons because she may not be good with confrontation. If the genuine reason was because she lost feelings and was continuing with her actions out of habit, it would be better to give NC a go first. If there is something that can be resolved, try to convince her to give you another shot to work things out.
Hey, thanks for the quick response.
How should you go about finding out those reasons? After reading and watching a lot about NC and that you shouldn't break it, and that you should not be talking to your ex about the break up anymore. So I don't know if asking her outright might annoy her, and if she can even give me genuine answers herself yet. Of course I have already thought about it myself, the problem is that there is just not one explanation that makes full sense.
On the one hand she did start "distancing" herself from me, but her actions always had other reasonable explanations, and as far as I know up until then everything was fine (as I said she didn't really behave differently towards me and we did plan and even booked holidays together), we had seen each other over New Year and she seemed very much in love with me then, and in the meantime I didn't start doing anything differently that would explain her losing attraction.
On the other hand, recently, we did have arguments which could have gotten too much for her to handle, and in my opinion that could be resolved (for once I could work on myself and the problems just occurred because it was long-distance but that would have changed pretty soon), but I am out of ideas how to convince her of that as well, all I could think of was to tell her I understand why she felt the way she did and sincerely apologize for my behavior. Then she might realize herself that the relationship can work and she can be happy in it.
Sorry for the long texts, it's just a really dire and confusing situation right now.
I understand how you might be feeling right now. Most often times, we end up losing ourselves in an attempt to get closure over the breakup, but in reality, not everyone gets that chance. If you have somewhat figured out the reason why things ended, it may be best to accept it at that, and focus on making those changes you've mentioned earlier. You don't have to convince her just yet since you're about to go into NC, nor should you be obsessing right now on how to win her back. Spend this time focusing on making positive improvements, so that when the opportunity presents itself down the road, your ex would see you in a different light.
So my ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago. I only begged for about 24 hours then I went into complete NC. She messaged me after a week, asking me a few questions (as we had recently moved out of our home). Then she was sad I wasn’t responding, asking to help her because she was feeling lonely and didn’t know what to do. I responded with short but kind message and she responded with a very long message about how she has to let go of us and that she missed, I responded again (she begged me for a response) very kindly to that message and said I respected her decision to break up and I wish her well. I have worked on myself, I’ve lost 5kgs, I joined a running club, being on dates, rediscovered my confidence, got a new job, posting happy positive stuff on social media. So after 32 days of me not initiating contact, I sent an elephant in the room text (we had a rough few months with me losing my job and having to leave our house) because we had a big fight that lead to the break up, I got no response. So I left a week and sent a emotional text about an inside joke we had going and it’s being two days and no response, I did not say anything about the relationship or missing her or anything . Should I just leave it? Go no contact again? Try an advice text in a couple of weeks?
Go no contact again and wait a week or two before trying again. It could be that she's avoiding you for the time being, or trying to deal with her own issues right now.
Thanks Ryan, she pop up on my tinder too.
Hello,
I've sent some messages here a while back and it sort of helped me and thaks for that :). I was patiently waiting to contact my ex and after I finally did we started talking. Sometime we would talk for a few days then stop then talk again etc. I finally asked her for a coffee so that she could help me with some things for work. I kept it casual but we ended up talking for a lot of other things and it felt great we both had a great time. Now I am not sure that I should say how happy I was that we saw each other or not and I am not sure what to do next. I usually want to have a plan before doing something but more often than not that's too late.
Thanks, Phillip
Keep things casual, perhaps let her know it was nice meeting her and she looked really great. Continue with the casual conversations and work your way from there.
Hey Ryan, I think I destroyed everything, I had to take your suggestion of talking things over with my ex after a week or some time and I being needy and hurt beyond limits, called him and it started with just asking him the reasons and went on to be the worst phone call of my life because I begged, I cried, I blamed him, Then I blamed myself.
He said this is why I need this breakup, you could not be on your own for five days! Had you given me at least ten days time, I would have thought about starting it again but this call is making me feel I was right about the breakup. He said that I didn't mean I cannot take care of you financially, I meant I cannot take care of your emotional needs. I cannot deal with your complaints of not talking to you well, not giving you time when I don't get enough time for myself. Someone in his friend circle was talking about girls, objectifying them as baggage and he said he felt he could relate and this is when he realized he cannot do this anymore.
I broke every rule, begged him to meet me once, Begged him to take me back and felt ashamed later to have stooped that low. In my opinion, I never felt I was doing anything wrong because I have never ended his call even when I have been busy and this opinion destroyed everything because I felt I was entitled to get his time back because he made a commitment to me to be there for me. Now I realize how caged he must have felt. I am shattered right now. I feel a void inside but I still want his happiness and I want him to realize at some point that there were more happy times than sad and frustrating times in our relationship. I am sure of this that it was happy four years since he was still discussing taking a flat together soon until around March 15th...but he gave up on me when I said that I cannot make it until April when I had promised him that I will take care of all health issues by 20th February.
I feel like I have driven him away forever, a guy who when was breaking up said it will always be you and only you and if I ever get into a serious committed relationship like marriage it will only be with you. How could I be so foolish to do this to the guy I love so much.
I even said this to him that I ruined it all by today's call and closed all doors? please don't hate me for that and he said I cannot ever hate you, no matter what you do.
this is the note on which all his conversational abilities ended from his side and he said I cannot take more of this, it makes me feel like a monster, it's no better for me than it's for you but I need it now.
I want to be better Ryan, I want to be happy on my own. Just the way I was when he met me, a strong woman who fought back with him when he said something hurtful instead of pleading for an apology. I haven't changed, I just was reacting to my surroundings and my insecurities and it is ultimately that which drove him away.
I really want to know how to make myself better after this. I had attached everything I own with him and everything reminds me of him and I don't want to live a teary-eyed life all the time.
I really really want him back for the simple reason that we were both happy with each other until I went back home due to medical issues, stopped working altogether, started complaining a lot, blaming him and others around too, I had become a whiny little kid. This was the best part of the relationship that we felt happy like kids when we were with each other but due to my insecurities i became the girl they warn men about before getting into a relationship.
I want him back, not now, I want to take time, give both time to grow but I don't want to lose him, I know for sure he is the one for me and I know I have been the one for him till now. I don't want to lose him forever.
Please guide me, I need it desperately...
Since the damage has already been done at this point, the best thing you can do is to mend at least a part of the situation, by first picking yourself up. Understand that you don't need a person in your life to become a strong and determined woman (although having a person helps on occasion). Right now, you know the issues that went wrong and hopefully you are beginning to understand the aspects that he could not take in the relationship that led to the breakup. Insecurities and emotional instability are issues that often break a relationship, but they aren't issues that can be worked on while you're together with someone.
I suggest actually taking the opportunity now, to give him some space from the recent events and to spend the time working on these issues and learning to love yourself. If you aren't able to do so, it doesn't matter which relationship you get into, because the same issues would arise eventually. Understand what causes these insecurities (lack of self-confidence, trust, etc) and figure out how to go about in increasing these areas. Focus on positive changes in your life, and then when the time comes you could consider initiating contact with your ex once again if you still have feelings for him.
Thank you for showing some confidence in me. I just want to be a better person for now and want a relationship only when i am sure that i will never love my partner more than how much i love myself. That is what leads to insecurities and although our partners often try to change us but we shouldn't change who we are because they like it for a time being but ultimately they feel they have lost the person they fell in love with. This forum, this team and Ryan you, Thank you. I want to focus on myself not because i want him back, I want to focus on myself now to be happy, with or without him or anybody.
Thank You
All the best Daliah.
So me and my ex broke up like a week and a half ago after being together for roughly one year and 4 months. 2 days after I started no contact. But she kept messaging me and telling me she misses me and wants to meet me. But today I fucked up (4th no contact day) and told her my feelings after I replied to her msg. Is my chance to get her back over? What should I do?
It depends on how she responded to your feelings. If she genuinely misses you and wants to meet you, I don't think you would have ruined your chances of getting her back.
Hi. So...my ex broke up with me after I texted him a million times. Short version of story - he cheated for some time, got caught. Then he wanted to work on us and save us. My emotions were everywhere. I love him and i believed him when he said he wanted to make it work. I thought that we were headed in the right direction. However, a family member got ill and I didn't listen when he said he needed to focus on family right now. I bombarded him with texts and calls because I was scared he was pulling away and didn't want me anymore. I don't know - maybe I'm still being naive. But I believe what we had was true love and we are still meant to be together. I begged and pleaded for him not to leave me and then he broke up with me and said he isn't coming back to me. Is this beyond repair, or can NC help in this case? I don't know if he did it because he is really done, or because it was an emotional decision and it was the only way to get me to stop texting, etc. Nothing feels right.
NC might help to pick yourself up, and to give him some space for the time being since he needs to focus on his family. It's not wrong of you to feel insecure especially since he cheated before, but you have to ask yourself if you really want him back if you're willing to set that aside and trust him again.
Hey Kevin, My boyfriend broke up with me four days ago after a happy relationship of four years, He said he doesn't want to do this but there is no other way since he is not sure about his future and his job growth and that he wouldn't be able to provide for me even when i argued that He need not provide for me, I can do it very well on my own, he said he has decided and there is no way we can get back together. Saying that he said, I love you very much but this is for you, You deserve better.
When i had met him, I felt i have found love at last. It was all good till we were in college, as soon as he started working. He became angry and irritated all the time, went on days without sending a text till i texted him or called him. we used to fight but we started talking within the hour. I had to move back home due to illness and within that time of around eight months he asked me to come back, but i stated my reasons. It was as if he understood it all but then didn't want to understand.
But things were never so bad that he would break up, He had brought up the issue of me coming back in the afternoon saying that i didn't need to. At night he called and said that he wants to end it for good stating an entirely different reason.
Now i want him back but i feel so betrayed because he brought it on me out of blue, stating my happiness as the reason but didn't even ask me whether i was happy or not. I am angry but it has always so been that no matter how angry i am, i look at him, talk to him or hug him, I have a huge smile on my face. So, I want to know how to fix this... since he broke up saying that he loves me a lot but it is impossible for him to keep living on with the commitment of a future when he is not earning so well.
I am so confused.
I suggest giving yourself some time to process everything and consider what actually happened, and what caused him to suddenly end things. You could try talking to him about it to get an honest answer, but perhaps wait a couple of days to even a week first. If he does not respond positively or you feel that he is dishonest, perhaps go into NC for awhile to let things cool off before attempting to talk to him once again down the road if you still want to be with him.
I should have listened to you, I messed it all up. Please read the entire comment I wrote today
Hello, my boyfriend of 3.5 years has just broken up with me. It came literally out of nowhere as we were very much in love, and had the most amazing, healthy, loving and fun relationship. We had the friendship, we had the companionship, lots of the same hobbies. We’ve created our own language for christ sake! We’ve lived together for almost 2 years, well still live together but he is currently in his country visiting his family. I am 42 and he is 35. When we first met he had some doubts because of the age difference but then he just forgot about them and just enjoyed our relationship. Recently his younger brother’s gf got pregnant. Another friend of his is trying for a baby, his best friend just got a serious girlfriend so everybody around him is settling down. That made him finally think about his life as he’s been a happy go lucky person without thinking about his future. He finally did and the doubts about me related to my age returned. He thinks is better to break up now because he is confident that we would break up sooner or later anyway. Because i am not necessarily the person he thought he would end up with. Neither does he want to waste my time as he is not ready to have kids now and when he might finally be ready, i may be too old. So basically, he loves me very much and cannot imagine his life without me but chooses to leave me because it’s for the better for both of us. He has a lot of preconceptions about his life that he hasn’t revisited for a long time. 2 weeks ago he asked for some time in order to think things through and revaluate his life but then he decided it’s better to break up. I dont understand how he can just give up on us like this. Surely if he really loved me we could work something out in order to postpone having kids, we live in the 21 century! There are options!
Do you think there is a chance he comes to his senses and realises that he’s made a mistake by giving up on something so special? How to make him do that? Am I wasting my time on this guy? We’ve just said goodbye to each other at the airport and he cried like a baby. I know he loves me and I am not in a denial.
He may be feeling the reality hit him as you've mentioned and decided to pull away as a result. I would recommend you trying to talk some sense into him, but perhaps give him a couple of days to deal with his own emotions first and calm down before telling him how you feel. If he still does not want to listen, then it might be wiser to consider walking away unless you're also not in a rush to settle down and wouldn't mind waiting for him to see if he ends up eventually coming to his senses or not.
Hello Ryan, thank you for your advice. I started the no contact period and had the most difficult 3 days in my life. Today he got in touch and got my hopes up. I thought that maybe he missed me so much that he changed his mind. He didnt. He just wanted some news from me. And then he quickly retreated when I got angry. We only had a brief exchange but my peace is ruined, I am in pain again plus i am angry at myself for talking to him. Right now, it doesnt feel like is ever going to change his mind...by the way, we were discussing the whole situation for the last 2 weeks, since he told me he wanted to break up for the first time, so he knows exactly what i think, but he still chose to break up after 2 weeks of honest discussions and considering various options. Therefore, i dont see much chance that he will change his mind eventually.
It's still worth a shot if you really want him back. However, NC isn't just meant to make him miss you. Ultimately, what NC advocates and attempts to do is to give you some space to distance yourself from all the emotional negativity you feel as well, while encouraging you to make positive changes in your life so that when recontact happens, your ex begins to see you in new light as a changed person. If there is no change to the situation or yourself, then there wouldn't be any motivation for him to change his mind either.
My ex and I broke up in December after 4 years dating and living together. Last March he had to move about 40 mins north of where we lived for a promotion at work. My career was 40 mins south so we agreed we would have 2 roofs for just one year. We started bickering because entertaining was now a part of his position. I felt he started using the excuse of work entertaining to go out every night he was up there. Up until that point I loved everything about our relationship.
In November we put in an offer on a condo up there (terms couldn't be agreed to so it fell through) we were talking about having a baby in the next year and then in December we argued over something minor and his reaction (or what I felt was an overreaction) was we needed to take a break to reset. I felt he made all new friends in the new city, all in his industry and they went out all the time so I asked a lot of questions. He didn't like being questioned. After a week I went up to see him and found out he'd been texting a female co-worker and deleting it. He swore they were just friends, no attraction (she was not attractive) but he knew I wouldn't like it so he lied. We cried, we said how much we loved one another, he said it hurt his stomach to think of us apart but our relationship would never be the same - I'd never trust him again. We kissed, we cried and held each other as he walked me to my car. I asked why wasn't I worth fighting for - he said I was but it was "too soon," we said I love you again, he yelled it again one last time as I got into my car and that was The last time I saw him.
The 1st week his texts were I love you, I'm so sorry I hurt you, the 2nd week was we probably shouldn't talk for a little, the 3rd week was an email letting me know he started to date - his tone is now cold and harsh.
I started no contact, he had a 4-week rebound relationship in that time (a former high school classmate of his - they reconnected on fb "shortly after we broke up", not the text buddy. The rebound has already ended - I found out through mutual friends) More no contact and then I emailed the letter. I said how special i thought our love was, I was sorry for things in the last few months and ended it saying I knew we would always love one another, I understood how difficult the decision to end us was but I agreed it was for the best. He responded with just "I love you too and agree with everything you said."
After 2 weeks, I emailed again. We started emailing on a fairly regular basis, every couple of days over 100 in about 2 weeks. He said to tell our dog he "loved and missed him so much," I invited him to join us at a dog park for an hour, he said it makes him cry to think of "our dog" and it would be to tough to see his face and leave him again. Another week goes by, more emails, more playful always initiated by me but he keeps them going. He sends our dog a new bed without telling me, I just came home to the box on the porch. I email to say thank you and I ask again if he'd like to see us and again he says its "too soon."
We have been apart for 3-1/2 months. What do I do now? Do I continue to email every couple of days? Do I wait for him to initiate now? I feel we've made so much progress but I'm not sure if this is a case of grass is greener syndrome and he's not done figuring that out yet? Any advice on how to get him to see me? I feel like once he sees my face there'd be little to no resolve left.
Perhaps it really is too soon on his part to see you again, in which case continue to build the relationship up without too much pressure from you to meet up. You could always just put it out there for the time being as an open invitation whenever he's ready and see how he responds to that.
Too soon for what though...because it hurts? Because he's afraid seeing me will make him want to get back together? Or because he's waiting until he no longer feels that way in which case should I just move on? I don't want to hurt him further, nor do I want to continue to hurt without him. I don't know what would be the right thing to do.
There could be various reasons, but until you know for certain it's all just speculation. It seems that there is still a level of connection between the two of you, and he may have feelings for you but isn't ready to deal with them by meeting up with you.
5 months post break up. First month and a half I did all the wrong things begging crying pleading logical reasoning. I got her to see me before I go over seas she came. The convo went okay. She called that night in didn't answer. Called me again after a week we talked but I messed it up asking her out again then being mad I told her not to speak to me again. No contact from me for 2 and half months. I sent a upbeat fb message she responded soon and called me. I didn't respond. Also in the message she apologised for the way we broke up. She was being cold. I didn't pick up. Then she tried a week later i didn't pick up. I called her a few days later. Chatted for about 10 mins then she said she had to go. Then calls back a hour later. I told her I didn't have much time but we ended up talking for 30 minutes. I told her I'd call her back. She asked when I said when I get time and then went on to say you don't have to call me. I call her back 10 days later. She gets cold and ask me why I called. I said to finish the convo. She said she didn't have anything to say but if I did she call me back in a few and we'd talk. Calls back we talked for the first 10 mins serioiusly and last 15 minutes just joking around. Ended on a good note. How should I move forward? Been a week haven't spoke.
I suggest doing less push and pull at this point and working on building up the connection once more, perhaps by speaking more frequently.
So I ended up calling. She always ask why I call first. She won't call me first. I apologized for my behaviour after break up. Then asked if we could be friends. She said in a year lol. She enjoys the convo. I get her to laugh a lot. Don't know what to do from this point forward. She answers everytime. I asked her for favor to help in person she declined. I insisted and told her to think about it she said she'll see. I know what that means. Any help?
If you've completed NC already, perhaps continue with the conversations on a casual basis and try working on rebuilding a friendship with her before anything more can be considered.
Hi. Me and my girlfriend broke up 3 days ago. She ended it because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and focus on herself for a while but wants to see in 5 months if she wants to start dating again or stay broken up. We’ve been doing long distance for almost 3 years now and have never went more than 3 weeks without seeing each other in that time. Do I stay with the no contact and let her have her space that she asked for for the whole 5 months? I really do love her and It physically hurts me to be apart from her. Do I have a chance at being with her again?
You don't have to go NC for 5 months, but rather complete NC and initiate contact with her again to slowly build up your connection and bond with her once again leading up the end of 5 months. Perhaps she might end up reconsidering sooner if things go well.
Hello, my ex broke up with me yesterday but told me he still loves me. He’s a war veteran and suffers from undiagnosed PTSD. We lived together. He told me he wanted to marry me, have my child someday, and that I was his soulmate. The hardest part is he still tells me those things. But he also says he has to go get help for himself because something is wrong and he needs to get healthy for himself and his son (previois relationship). I want to be there for him so desperately, that’s the commitment I made to him, myself, and our relationship but he says he doesn’t want to drag me down with him. I love this man with all my heart and every fiber of my being. I truly believe he is my soulmate. He also told me I could stay at his house until I found someplace new however I could not do that. I packed up what I could and left I am getting the rest tomorrow. He’s deleted our photos off social media as well as blocked me and blocked my number. I am just so confused. Are all these contradictory actions his way of handling this? Or should I believe that he does love me and he does need to get help?
It could be his way of coping as it would be easier to focus on his personal recovery without the emotional influence of a relationship. It's like the saying goes, 'if you can't even take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of others'. He might be feeling this way at the moment, hence his sudden decision to end things. I suggest giving him some space for now since you're already moving out, and contact him again perhaps in a week or 2 just to check in. Or you could apply the full NC period of 30 days and let him work on himself for the time being before you attempt to contact him again.
I got the rest of my things. And we had a long talk. He again says he still loves me but that he’s going through a lot more than I even know and that he knows I would just go through all of it with him over and over. He doesn’t want to drag me down through that. He said he still wants me in his life? I’m confused as to wether or not I should do the NC? I truly love this man and this entire ordeal does not sit well in my heart.
Applying NC is entirely up to you under these circumstances, and there's a chance that by showing him that you're not going to be 'dragged down' just by sticking with him, he would be calm enough to get back together. However, there's also a slight chance that he may feel even more stress from you being around because he's constantly worried about how you feel or think.
My ex boyfriend and I dated, long distance, for 2 years while I was in college. We then spent another 2 year together in the same city. I broke it off and moved to another city. For the next 2 years we spent time on and off together but I could never completely commit and was always looking for something better. I dated someone new for a year, but as soon as he broke up, my first ex was right back in the picture. Still, after his huge efforts and persistent plea to get back together, I was wanting something more. Months went by and we didn't speak, my mother passed away, and I found myself yearning for him. I would drunk dial him and confess my love for him, but deny the feelings to him the next morning, telling him I didn't and that I was just going through something. I did some soul searching and found myself thinking I might actually love him and wanted to reconnect, but found out he had been dating someone. Regardless, he pursued the opportunity to together and we spent an evening talking about our future and getting back together. Fast forward a week later, he called with news she was pregnant and he was going to stay with her. My heart shattered. Fast forward 2 years, I am still madly in love with him, haven't been able to move on even though I have dated a few different men, and he is with his on/off again girlfriend and 1 year old. What do I do.....
As long as he's still thinking of working things out with his girlfriend, it isn't a relationship you should get involved in as you would only come across as the bad person. I would honestly suggest for you to try and move on from him, since things are always going to be complicated as long as there is no clean break between him and his girlfriend.
good morning, I cheated on my boyfriend with someone I didn't know was his relation and now he wouldn't talk to be ave done a lot of begging n so on but he say he doesn't want me again, the other day he asked me to call him in a video I did n he was with a lady I was so heart broken I really love my boyfriend n don't think I could stay 30day without talking to him even tho he doesn't seem to be responding my calls, and messages please what do I do?
He is definitely still angry at you, and has not forgiven you, which explains his expression of spite by the call. I suggest at this point you give both parties some space by applying no contact, before initiating anything further down the road when he has perhaps cooled off.
Hi Kevin
I would like to ask that,my ex was so rude with me we work together in a same place we meet everyday.im not calling him or texting him. I gave back recently all the things he gave to me.he had blocked me from all social media contacts.w at I should do to follow no contact period even v have face each other everyday.im not doing any eye contact nor speaking to him.if he talks to me on d matters f work also I'm.not answering him.suggest me some thing please
You could read this article regarding what to do when facing your ex at a workplace setting.
Hey,
Hope your feedback on my situation help me to get my ex back.
I am 23 and she is 21.
We both are different nationalities.I asked her to be with me or leave me after spending 3 weeks.Then she cried for one hour when we reach campus and I asked her to just give me 10 minutes every day from her schedule and if she can't do that she can delete me from everywhere because I just don't want to befriend and I gave her a daytime to think about us.Next night we met and she said "I need to focus on my career for next 2 years, so would you please wait for me.I can't be in a relationship now".She deleted my Wechat id and I deleted her as well.After few minutes, She sent me the request to be friends and I accepted it.Then I did all the mistakes that you mentioned in your article.I asked her for a meeting and she ignored me every time.She told me that she is in a relationship and I should not trouble her anymore and I wish her good future and then she deleted me.I didn't contact her since that time.Is there any way your team can help me to get her back.I am ready to follow each and every step your team is going to recommend me.I had 2 relationships, after her in order to forget her but I can't forget her.I don't even know why she left me.So please help me.I do go out with my friends and enjoy but still I have a wish to get that girl back into my life.
Apply the steps found in the article. Start off with no contact to give her the space she needs to erase any negative memories she may harbor towards you.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me in about 6 months ago I haven’t heard from him yet. He block me and changed his cell number :( how long is no contact rule :(
It's typically 30 days, if not more depending on how bad the breakup was. If he has yet to unblock you and you have no means of contacting him, it might be better to consider letting go of him and moving on.
Hi,
This was such a great read. You have such great advice and I can't wait to actually start using it at some point. Okay, so here's a bit of background about me and my ex:
I was in a same sex relationship with a girl for more than 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. She was my first girlfriend and I was hers. A lot has happened in the 4 years that we were together. Stuff happened and I kept getting angrier and angrier. I couldn't control my anger. She broke it off a couple of weeks ago and at the moment everything is still fresh. She asked me to move out of our apartment, quit my job (because we were working together) and leave the country (because my visa was actually dependent on our relationship). She wanted a clean break from me. She did agree to throw away the no contact rule in a year. She said that if I contact her, she will respond. I've known people that have gotten back with their exes. One relationship actually took 3 years to mend. I believe that my ex is the one. I'm an idiot for letting her get away. I will respect her wishes and won't contact her for a year. Be honest, is there still a chance for me to get her back? I'm willing to follow all of your steps. I love her and I know that she's worth it. Unfortunately, it's a lot harder for me, since I live in a whole different country. Any advice from you would be greatly appreciated.
As you've mentioned, it's going to a be a lot tougher in your case (not impossible), especially since you basically have to leave the country and start life over before even considering taking another shot down the road. I believe at this point, it's more essential that you manage to pick yourself back up in your home country first, then start to work on your issues you had during the relationship. Only after everything has settled down should you try to initiate contact with her again. However, as all these would take time and effort, you should not get your hopes up as many things can change during the time you're apart.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for getting back to me. I know that a lot can change in a year and to be honest, I’m gonna try to use the year as an opportunity to improve myself. Is a year of no contact too long? Am I gonna lose her because too much time has passed? When we both started dating, we used to spend months away from each other. We’d talk everyday of course, but because of the long distance, we spent loads of time apart. She’s my first girlfriend ever and I was hers. I don’t think I can move on and I don’t see myself dating other women. We were also engaged. She asked me to marry her. I still think she’s the one. How do I get her back in 11 months?
As I mentioned, time can play a part in causing many things to change both for you and her. The immediate focus is still going to be on yourself and making positive changes, or there won't be motivation for her to return into your life if she sees you unchanged. The chance is definitely there, but you can't obsess over it and instead move forward with the one goal of changing yourself for the better.
my ex broke up with me because i was flirting with a girl, we have a trip in a week I really don't know what to do since i know i should follow the steps. FYI i really want to go to the trip since we both invested money.
Perhaps apologize for flirting and try to make it up to her, if she's the sort that can be appeased. You might have to consider letting go of your trip though since 1 week isn't much time to appease her with regards to the reason she broke up with you.
Hi! My gf and meet on work. We work together even now. She decidet to leave me a month ago, the relationship lastet almost 2 years. We had a lots of fights for every small detail. When she leave me she said to me that she cares about me and wants to be friend. After a week i found out she had another guy. She even post photos with him on instagram. I ask her and she said nothing serious. I was afraid she cheated me before with him. She said didnt have sex or even kiss him. I was so mad. I even create an instagram account to spy on him. I pretend to be a female and ask him about her. She find out what i did. I am really sad now. Dont know what to do. I feel like i still love her but dont know if i really have any chance to get her back to me.
I suggest to start no contact and follow the guidelines from this article to help you.
Hello,
I'm 28, my ex is 26. We were in a relationship for 3½ years and she broke up with me six days ago. Before that we were effectively on a break for a week or so, because she needed some time to think about our relationship. She says she still loves me, but feels we lost the spark (our sex life was almost nonexistent for some time) and lack intimacy. I agree with the points she made, the only difference is I wanted to start from the beginning and re-ignite the elusive "spark" while she felt this is an impossible task. Our breakup was civilized (or boring as she put it) because that's the kind of people we are, and we agreed we will continue to be friends after things settle down a bit. The thing is I want her to be my girlfriend, not just a friend: we have so much in common and never really had big fights. At one point she even said there are more reasons for us to be together than not, but she perceived the problems we had as unsolvable.
Some background: she studied hard this year, and just before our breakup passed her last exam. She said she feels a bit lost in this transition phase between university and looking for a job. Also, she always feels more depressed during the winter months which may have contributed to her state of mind.
Some of the things that were a turn off for her: I was often indecisive, not dominant enough, inexperienced (this was a first relationship for both of us and I could not guide her with my experience, which would make it easier for her), it exhausted her to point out some obvious things I should do and it made her feel like she was my mother sometimes (like cleaning my apartment or buying new shoes because my old shoes were full of holes, etc). It's not that I don't know what I want in life, but I am a laid back and mild mannered guy, dominant behaviour doesn't come naturally to me and I don't care much for fashion. I do think I can change and be more assertive.
Anyway, I started with NC five days ago and yesterday she contacted me to ask if I was ok (when I logged to Facebook for literally three minutes). I briefly answered that I am and that I decided to take some time for myself. Today she contacted me again, via text message (I didn't log in to Facebook at all) with the same question. I repeated I need some time for myself and that I hope she understands. I plan to continue with the NC but I have two questions:
1.) Does her behaviour indicate she is regretting her decision to break up with me on some level, or is she just concerned as a friend (we did agree to remain on speaking terms)
2.) Am I going to push her away by continuing with NC? We did agree we'll keep in touch. I don't want her to think I'm not active on Fb because I'm in despair or behaving childishly.
Thanks and best regards,
John
To answer your questions, firstly her behavior is too vague in nature to be determined as regret, but it does show her level of concern towards you, which means not all hope in winning her back is lost. Secondly, if she claims the relationship was a 'boring' one in nature, pushing her away might actually add to the mystery or interest she finds in you since this behavior becomes non-predictable. It's not being childish since you've mentioned to her that you needed some time to yourself already.
Hi,
Well she said the breakup was boring i.e. peaceful, not the whole relationship. But I agree, NC may be beneficial. I'm going to try following this guide and see where it gets me.
Thanks,
John
Hello,
I told my ex after the break-up (when I was drunk..) that I wont have contact with him for a month. Is it ruined now? I also told him that I wanted that because I needed time and want to give him space to miss me.
Not necessarily, but it really depends on his characteristic (if he's stubborn about things), as that might lead him to actively deny his feelings of missing you (if he does) because of what you said.
I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 years, we had been engaged for 6 months. I know he did really love me but I had a problem I’ll admit. I was really mean, I told him I hated his proposal and the ring when I was mad. I would break up with him daily because I wanted more attention. We only saw each other once a week and the way I got him to text me more was if we were arguing. I broke up with him on Valentine’s Day (not really meaning it, just like I always did, thinking we’d be back together later that day) and then he said no that he really didn’t want to be with me anymore. I know I hurt him cause he really genuinely loved me. I kept calling, texting him for 3 weeks. But like a 1.5 weeks ago I stopped messaging him. I haven’t talked to him since and I started going to the gym and I’ve been hanging out with my friends. But this isn’t getting any easier. Every night I cry because he told me he’s not in love with me anymore. I feel a big empty hole in my chest. What we had was great. I haven’t seen him in over a month. I really am sorry for everything I caused. I know if he gave me one last chance I would never do any of that again because I know that I never would want to loose him again. He deleted all of our pictures from social media and off his phone. I don’t know what to do, it’s driving me insane. I don’t know if I can go another 20 days without messaging him.
Right now, as his feelings of negativity may be overwhelming since he has distanced himself from the relationship, it might be best to give him some space to allow him to deal with it. Seeing or hearing from you might cause him to feel more negativity which is not what you want. Continue working on change and your method of communication for the time being and remember that you don't necessarily have to argue in order to receive attention from your partner.
Hi Kevin, I'm Turkish and my English is bad for that I'm sorry.We've been talking to my ex for six months and we're dating.Our relationship lasted 3 months and left me.after I left, I stopped communication and I didn't text for 30 days.We talked at the end of 30 days, but he said he didn't want to talk the other day.My ex-boyfriend is far away, and we're gonna meet him in the same city in three months.Would it be better if I completely cut off contact with him in three months?
As the time frame for the relationship was 3 months, it might not be a good idea to completely cut contact since he might actually move on. Since it has been 30 days of no contact, perhaps you could initiate conversation with him once again to see how he's doing and start to slowly build a bond back up so that it's easier to initiate something when you visit his city in 3 months time.
thanks for the reply,but our departure has been bad and I'm not ready to communicate.What am i supposed to do when we meet him in the same city?
In that case, give it more time and continue with NC for now. It's best to build up some form of friendship first prior to your trip regardless, as it makes things easier if you want to meet him for coffee or lunch to catch up.
Is it possible to get an ex back even when she sent her brother to beat me up
Perhaps you might want to give her more space to let go of her anger, or simply choose to walk away since it has come to that extent.
Hi Kevin,
[The reason why we broke up is "I cheated", and she got the news from one of the ladies]
Me and my ex girlfriend have been in a relationship for 5 years and a month. For the first 3 years, we lived in together. For the next 2 years and a half, we had a long distance relationship (I went back to my home country for good. And then, she decided to study in Australia a year after because Australia is a very nice country in terms of economy and tourist and also to have better future for our family someday. She's currently there on a student visa, and just have one year left to finish her degree)
My ex girlfriend and I broke up last February 17, 2018. Our last conversation was on February 25, 2018. It's been almost 3 weeks since we last exchange messages because she blocked me on all of her social media accounts (FB, IG, etc.)
I really admit that it's my mistake why we broke up. Lust is the main reason why. She got the news from one of the ladies, someone made an anonymous account and sent proofs to her hat I am cheating on her. I did those things because got tempted and did a huge mistake in my life. And now I am facing the consequences because of my foolishness.
she's so angry at me, since she knew about me cheating on her. Up to now, we are not talking to each other. With that, I came up to the ideas of talking to her parents and apologized to what happened between us and to what I did. And also I sent a delivery package containing an apology letter with a simple gift to Australia, I used her workplace as delivery address because I don't know the exact address to where she lives there exactly.
I already stopped my foolishness after what happened between us. My first objective is for me to have a chance to speak to her, and to slowly show to her my sincerity in saying sorry for everything that I have done wrong.
Because I really love her. And I already promised to myself to not to do the same mistake ever again. And I will make sure to make up to her to what happened between us. And to slowly get back her trust on me.
By the way, she will be on her vacation leave
in our home country this coming May 2018. Would I wait until she comes back home to talk to her in person or just let her have space and wait for her to contact me?
I would suggest you give her space for now, and when she arrives back in your home country you could try initiating contact to see if she responds negatively or not. If she still appears angry or does not respond, you would have to give her even more time to let go of the negative emotions she feels towards you before trying to talk to her again.
Hi,
I have a not too long, just a 3 months old relationship. I didn't realize something was going wrong. I was happy, but... At a random moment, at night when I was in her house and we wanted to sleep together because we had an anniversary, she asked me with a crying face "Do you love me?". I was very surprised. I said: "Yes, of course, I truly love you". Then she told me "I don't love you as much as you love me". I didn't understand that because I thought everything is fine. Maybe I was not so attractive as she knows me, and she wanted to be still so attractive after a couple months. I really don't know, she doesn't told me the reason. She said I have 0 unbearable habit, but she doesn't feel as she wants to feel. My heart is totally broken now. I want to take a no contact period, but I think I need to know the reason. I think the 30 days is too much in this case. What do think about it?
Thanks for your advice
You could reduce the 30 days to around 2 weeks since the duration of your relationship wasn't that long. It's common for couples to lose physical attraction for one another after being together for awhile, it's similar to when someone raises the issue of their partner not doing the thoughtful things they once did while chasing/dating them.
Hello , I really need some advice. My bf broke up with me yesterday and it was totally unexpected. I mean we were great or at least that’s what I thought . I’ve been here before and it took me almost 3 years to get better . When I meet him I was already ok and we’ve been in a relation for one year . He called me today just to check on me. The problem is that I don’t know if I should answer to he’s call or just tell him that I need some time by myself ( I did that already and I still got a call from him ). He is important , he truly is but I’m not even sure what went wrong . I didn’t begged him to stay as I’ve been here before and I know is not working . Should I try or just respect he’s decision ? I find it very strange than in the morning you tell me I love you and by night you want to break up. There is only one thing that I used to joke about and sometimes get a little jealous, the kissing part in he’s plays. And acting is really important to him. He told me that he was thinking about this for 2 weeks already . He didn’t cheated I never did it too , Even when we were upset with each other we will still call to say good night and I love you . He always respected me. I don’t want to let him go but I don’t want to see him unhappy .
You might want to have a chat with him to find out the reason he decided to end things and if there were underlying factors affecting the relationship you were unaware of. If there are aspects you can change for the better, you could try to do so since it would benefit both of your happiness in the long run. I would recommend that if the reason isn't something that can be resolved overnight, to spend some time working on those issues, and initiate no contact to give him (and yourself) the space to work on those aspects.
I am Josh I have a serious problem with my relationship. my girl left me after six yrs of dating, due to my financial problem I really don't know what to do is really affecting me badly, I really don't know how it's so easy for her to 4get about six yrs just like that. for the past 2months I still can't get over it.
If she only sees you and values you based on your financial worth, and you aren't able to meet those expectations, it might be better to consider letting her go since it's not a solution that could be resolved easily. However, if there are more complicated circumstances regarding your situation, perhaps it might be possible to win her back, but you would probably require improving your situation at least by a little bit before trying something again.
Hi, please help me, I need advice from an expert,
My boyfriend and I broke up recently, it was a mutual agreement but I feel like he thinks that he was the one broke things off. We actually were on a break for a month prior to that, because he needed space. I did not respect that space and I am guessing that's why things ended. I was desperate during the break but started getting better with myself, maybe even moving on, I'm not sure. I was actually expecting the break-up since I have screwed no contact during the break up and as the one month-long break proceeded, I started feeling better as I said, but he didn't, he was angry with me, quite abusive actually but we ended things in a nice way, stating that we just couldn't work as a couple and both of us were very relieved. He did say that he thinks our romantic relationship has no future.
Today I started thinking about him and I decided to give him a second chance, though I don't think he wants me anymore. Keeping no contact will be hard, especially since we are in the same group of friends, we will be attending a same party this weekend and in a little more than two weeks, we are going to travel abroad with this same group of friends. How can I get him back if no contact is not an option? I am also afraid that with us being around the same social group he will start to see me as a friend, thus pushing away from the idea of a relationship.
What can I do?
Thanks in advance!
Since you feel that you have changed and picked yourself up since the break, no contact may not be as necessary for your case. In your following interactions with him in the group gatherings, perhaps try and make those changes visible and show him how well/happy you're doing, since that may spark a level of interest from him. Try to limit the amount of one-to-one interaction with him too, for this may make you easier to read since you want to keep your level of mystery there.
I was in a relationship for 5 yrs. We love each other very much, she was my best friend and vice versa. At first when i met her she has low self esteem but i managed to boost her confidence. She is one hell of a happy lady i ever met. Just last year i got a job and i had to relocate eventho she was hurting she supported me through it and she was so happy for me that i got a job of my dream. At the early stage of my relocation things were going on well. Until last August we had our very first argument and i literally texted her let quit. And for the very first time in our 5 yrs we didnt call or text each other and that lasted for 6 days. When i finally did all she said was why did i take so long to call. I realised that i didnt treat her well so i quickly got a transfer back to her. But things werent the same since that day. She completely shut down, she isolated her self, tge sight of me irritates her, she doesnt eat but gained weight. She told me she lost feelings for me. Nothing excited her any more. She said she is unhappy and something inside her is broken. We do text everyday but she refuse to hang with me or see me. I asked her if she wanted to see a counsellor, she refused think about it and let me knoe if she is ready. I dnt want to loose her. The only person she hangs out with now is my sister.i started a NC rule for a month and I had a mini holiday she is not a social media freak but all of a sudden she starts to post photos and videos continously of herself and with friends at the pub. Last 2 days I messaged her that I wanted to talk to her and her mum and she replied me as saying there is no point I know me and her is not going to work. But I took things personally that I was like we had the best relationship ever why would she just throw it out of the window just because she lost feelings for me. I know through all this hurt n pains I would thrive and be a winner. Apparently she didn't take the word winner likely and she was complaining about it to my sister.but all this whilst she kept on saying we haven't spoken in ages why are all these coming from. And she also told me she got a job and she is feeling good without me asking. Currently I have pulled back a bit. I wanted to start the no NC rule again and perform the reconnection very well
You should probably restart NC as you've mentioned and try to give her more space to let go of the negative emotions she feels. Perhaps ask your sister to find out why your ex is so against talking to you or meeting you, and what you did wrong specifically. At least that might give you a better idea on how to handle the situation.
This was the last message she sent me b4 the first NC Bongo please I'm fine. You can't be doing things like that for me when I don't have feelings for you. Just give it a rest. I appreciate the thought but just relax. You're my friend... allow me to come to you when I'm ready. Do you think I have chance??
I think the NC has make things worst. My gf has complained bitterly to my sister about my lack of contact. But she told me it's not gonna work out. I'm confused cos she says different things to my friends and do the opposite when I try. I dnt really know what she wants.
If she has complained about your lack of contact, it means that no contact is actually working since it has gotten to her. She is used to you pestering her, but at the same time also used to reacting negatively and angrily towards you whenever you try to talk to her. Give it some more time with no contact and observe how she behaves during this period. If it really is getting to her based on what your sister says, then you might want to consider asking your sister to ask her why she feels bitter about it.
I have used 30 days no contact once with my ex. Is 30 days no contact a one time use only or will it work the second and third times as well?
The NC is not a ticket to get back together with your ex, but rather a rule of thumb to adopt whenever a breakup happens, to give both parties enough breathing room to let go of negative emotions and to pick themselves up. Even if you've done NC once, you can always use it again if need be as long as the mindset is correct.
Hi, my story is for all the hopeless cases out there. My ex of a couple years broke up with me, then moved to the other side of the country about a month and a half later. I did NC for about three months and followed every rule of the full-length guide and work sheets down to certain exact quotations. Today, we’re together again and our connection is so much stronger even though we’re on different coasts. I think this guide is the best kept secret in love and relationships and I thank everyone involved in its creation. Even if your ex splits for the coast, stay positive (=
Thanks for the positive sharing J! We hope that others would be reminded of the positivity they stand to gain at the end of things by being strong, staying positive, and persevering in the guided steps.
Hey! I typed a comment before but I'm not sure if it submitted or not, but I really need advice.
My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after dating for over 4 years. We started having problems last year with our sex life. We weren't having sex as much as he liked, it was partly due to a medication I was on that lowered my libido and made me very dry. Anyways, that was our biggest problem. We tried to fix it by just agreeing to do it more but it was easier said than done since we still each live at home and its hard to find somewhere private.
Back in January, we were still having sex issues and I was so confused and started to wonder whether or not I was still attracted to him. I started to also wonder what it would be like to be single and do things with other people, and i think thats normal to wonder for some people who have been dating for so long. Anyways in January i suggested a break as we had been having other issues like finding fun things to do and places to go out to. When I suggested a break on the phone I think it came as a total surprise to him and he was really confused and probably angry/upset. After a week I missed him and I didn't want to lose him, we met back up and he said I had to do the talking. I didn't have much time to come up with solutions since I had been so busy with school but basically I said that I'm still attracted to him, and that I will find more places for us to go to instead of putting all the pressure on him. He said this was my last chance, and we got on with it. Things were going really well and we were making progress in our sex life and communication and everything. We decided to go out one night to a bar which we never do but it was something new and fun. I had been up since 5am that day and was really moody and stubborn so we got into an argument. I guess that topped it off for him, and I apologized when we got home and told him I have fun with him when we go out, and it was okay, but he needed a day to cool off. He came over the next day and was all nice saying I looked pretty and everything. We went downstairs to talk and he kept saying how he thinks I don't have fun with him when we go out, etc, and we both started crying. He said he wasn't sure what else there is to do and that maybe its just not our time. He broke up with me but it didn't feel like he was 100% sure.
The next day I went to his house and dropped of pictures of us, a 3 pages letter and a bear telling him how much I love him. About a week later her changed his relationship status on Facebook to single, and I felt to broken I drove to his house and had to talk to him. I told him my feelings and that I am sure we can fix this with more effort on my part. I made a huge list of activities we could do at home and going out both sexual and non sexual. I said I'm still attracted to him and still love sex we just don't take up the opportunities we have to do it enough. I said everything I needed to and he said he needs to focus on himself now and we aren't getting back together. :( a few days later his friend called me on the phone and said something that hurt my feelings so I texted him kinda angry saying I felt like he didn't communicate to me well enough, etc. He got angry and told me not to talk to him and i didn't. Its been about a week and a half now since that argument and he sent me a text saying that if I want I can meet up with him this week and he can explain why he did what he did and answer any questions I have.
I'm not sure what to do cause it doesn't seem like a good thing to meet up but I really honestly think that I can fix this with more effort on my part. I just wasn't on the same page he was at the time. I love him so much and its not that I feel like I can't do anything by myself because I can but I miss him terribly, and talking to him, and seeing him everyday, and being in his company. Please help me :( I love him so so much. I don't want to lose him.
Since you're trying once more to work things out, I suggest giving it your best effort to make things work this time around but remember that it's a relationship ultimately and there needs to be reciprocity or compromise when it comes to efforts in maintaining the relationship and working on issues. If it doesn't work out again, there's a likelihood that something is wrong with both your frequencies or communication methods, and it might be better to give both parties some space to work on those issues separately before trying anything out again in the future.
So My ex and I met up at the park on Thursday night. And I got out the car and came across all like good and happy like “heyyy! How are you?” And you could tell he was down and was like “good 😞” and so we went in my car and talked. I basically started out asking “how did u get over a 4 year relationship so quick?” And he said like “ i think Ur thinking I’m over it because I have thick skin and I bottle up my emotions, but I’m not, I’m still upset and I still love u and care for u and think about u everyday and like right now it hurts me to see you” and stuff like that, and I asked like why he blocked me on stuff and he said that it’s hard to see me on social media. And I asked him like if he ever thinks about me and misses our constant texting and calling, and he said that he thinks about me everyday and it’s hard he tries to stay busy so he doesn’t and he misses me a lot cause I’m his best friend and he misses me driving in his car and being with me and everything so it’s like we r still so in love, and he got really emotional again and like started crying and I was holding myself together but seeing him cry and asking some questions made me cry. And he would hold me and cuddle me and he kept holding my hand, and it’s hard because I want to be with him still and seeing him made all my feelings come back. But idk how he’s feelings but he said he still loves me but I think he needs this time to focus on himself still. I told him I’m working on my insecurities and stuff and he’s happy about that. I told him that like I miss hanging with him and I am still attracted to him and I’m sorry about like not expressing that enough. I also asked how is it so easy for him to talk about me dating other guys in the future and he said it would kill him to see me and another guy but he would rather me be happy with someone than sleeping around because I deserve the best. But idk, I miss him so much. And like I felt he does too. It’s still hard for him to be around me with all his feelings so I said I hope one day we can be friends and I’ll wait for him to reach out. And in the car I tried to show him like how I’m still easy to talk to and made jokes and stuff at the end to just kinda cheer him up.I felt like out chat went well and I miss him so much, I’m just not sure what his take on this is. what do you think?
I'm sure he feels similar, but may not actively express it towards you. As he mentioned, just because he doesn't express certain emotions, it doesn't mean he's over you yet. If you really want him back, perhaps you should try to maintain a level of friendship with him in order to slowly build up a level of trust and bond again for each other, while still working on both your issues of communication and frequencies.
Hey Kevin,
To be brief, my ex and I broke up on feburary 20th. Since that day, we haven’t been in any sort of contact. I’ve been through many difficult and questionning phases and I really wanted to get back with him but since two days, I’ve been feeling a lot better and I am not sure that getting back with my ex is really what I want now. But yet, I’m not quite sure and I’m just really confuse. This morning, after 21 days no contact, he texted me: « When can I come to your place to get my things? I had totally forgot. »
But, the thing is that he doesn’t really have anything left at my place except the gifts he gave me.
My question is: What should I answer, how should I act with him and espicially what do you think all of this means?
You could ask him which things he wants to come by and collect, and gauge from there. If you're not entirely sure whether you want him back, perhaps it's better to figure that part out first before you take any action.
He said he wanted to collect his hoodie, his bag and his socks but, the thing is that he gave them all to me when we were together. I don't want to be rude to him or do anything that could cause some other tensions between us , but should I accept , and give him the things he gave me back or should I just tell him that those were given and I am going to keep them, what exactly should I do?
I'm not a part of the Team, just someone who read your comment, but I would text something like "I thought they were a gift, but if you really want them back, sure. Would xx work for you, my schedule is pretty full until then?" And choose a date a week or two away, just to show him that you are not eagerly awaiting. This will also give you more time to reflect on your feelings.
You should accept it if he really wants them back because by being rude, like you say, you may cause tension and he might think of you differently. Just take it as a restart to things instead of the end of hope.
I met my ex six months ago, since day one we liked each other, we were in a relationship for four months, things were pretty good, we fight from time to time but we always figure it out, we had a tough week by Monday he told me he was feeling a little weird but he didn’t wanted to loose me, that he loved me and couldn’t see himself without me, by Friday we were barely speaking, we met and he told me he just didn’t felt the same anymore, I was shocked because even though I knew we were struggling I didn’t think he would end things that fast, we kept talking because I heard rumors that I wanted to clear up with him, then we stoped talking for two days, then he texted me and we talked for five days and then I decided to stop texting, a week has gone through and he only replied to a pic I posted, but now I am suspecting that he is dating someone else and I just don’t know how to react, is there a way to get him back? I really miss him, I think our relationship had potencial and ended too soon. I love him and he made me very happy. I just don’t know what went wrong and how to make it right
If he's capable of dating someone so soon, it could either mean the new relationship is a rebound or that he didn't see his relationship with you as significant enough. Either way, continue with NC for now and work on improving yourself and working on the areas you felt caused the breakup (on your part, at least). If it's true and he's dating someone else, you might even want to consider moving on from things, but if not - initiate contact again with him some time later and show him the changes you've made to your life.
Hi there!
I don't know if you'll respond to my comment, but I have nothing to lose at this point.
If you would be so kind to give me your sincere advice I'd really appreciate it.
So, 4 weeks ago, I had a last fight my ex-girlfriend. Then, she asked me for space to think 'cause she doesn't knew what she wants anymore. Out of fear, I tried to reach out to her for a period of 3 weeks by calling and texting, even pleading and begging her that this time will be different... but, of course, my words lost credibility in front of her, she saying "To be with you, for what, just to be happy for a period of time, a month, two or a year and then getting hurt again?" I reassured her several times, that I wouldn't dare to hurt her again, but she didn't believe in me. As I contacted her in those 3 weeks, asking for a last chance, I know that what I did was not okay, she gave me that chance many times, but she took it away from me after a day or two, before I could prove it to her that everything will be okay this time. This has happened repeatedly in those 3 weeks... one day she gave me that last chance, another day she took it away from me... just to give me again that chance to took it away again, saying that she doesn't want to see me again or stuff like that... She did that out of fear of not being hurt again... overthinking everything.
A week ago, we had to go somewhere together with her car. She was really cold towards me all the way... when we arrived at the destination, I said to her that I have something to say, she was reluctant at first... When she stopped the car, I touched her hand, askin' to look me in the eye and I said that I do not want the break-up, but if that she really wants, I'll agree about leting her go... Then, when I get out of the car, she came to me, hugged me really tight and when I kissed her for the last time, the expression of her face changed, turning into her old happy self again. I felt her regret for leaving me, I felt her immense love towards me... And when I felt that, I knew that she still loves me despite stating that she doesn't want a relationship with me right now... after I felt that feeling that night, I just can't stop thinkin' about her and to just give up. After that day, she contacted me about her university grades, I replied politely, and that was it... I haven't had contact with her for a week now. It just hurts and I do not know what I should do, to be patient and wait or... ? I do love her sincerely, not because I feel lonely without her, but because she's really special to me...
For the past week, I uploaded some love quotes to "My Day/ My Story" on Facebook, and I can see who saw them and she always check them out, but when I post something on my profile I do not receive likes from her, which don't really bothers me, but she checks every story I post (that's available 24 hours)... I do not know what this means, probably nothing...
We were together 3 years and almost 5 months. University students. She's 21 years old...
Best regards,
someone!
She definitely still loves you, but just isn't sure she can trust you yet. It's something you'll have to prove to her as you go along with your actions and not just your words. Bear in mind that you'll probably face resistance from time to time as she overthinks or even wonders when you'll hurt her again, but it's something you're just going to have to to overcome and be patient each time with her if you want her back in your life for good.
Thank you for your quick reply! I really appreciat it!
As I said in my previous comment, I haven't seen or spoken with her for a week now. I feel that if I do no contact her, she'll never initiate a conversation.
She's someone really proud and the most difficult part is how to change her perspective about me...
I'm thinking about what should I do? To give her more time and space? I do not know when is the right time to approach her. And if I approach her, what should I say? If I start a conversation apoligizing and dropping hints she would back off, I think...
We live 1.5 hrs away, part of why we broke up. I have stuff to return, but should be in no contact after. Thing is, she called me drunk to say she wanted me to come over but didn't ask because I'm too far. I'm seeing her this week, and already told her I'd call her back tmrw.
This whole nc thing is tricky because of our distance, and its easier for her to forget than to wonder, right? Should i just send in a spontaneous step 4 text every couple of days and kind of do a push back-pull in kind of approach after i see her?
One last thing, i am an upcoming musician and made a song inspired by her, and want her to hear it. Thoughts? (Btw its all positive)
Thanks
Perhaps you could let her hear the song after you've completed NC. For the time being, return the stuff, and avoid any messy situations until you've given both parties some time to let go of the negative emotions relating to the break up before initiating contact with her again.
Hey, it’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex that I was together with for 3 years. For the past year we would meet up randomly, all by my own doing, sleep together, only to be told this can’t happen again. I feel rejected at every turn and it keeps weighing on me. He’s moved on but hasn’t been in any relationships. I would love to do the no contact rule but unfortunately we work together at the schools district office and he’s my boss so we have to communicate. Luckily I rarely have to to see him but I do have to email and talk to him very frequently about work. I just can’t get over this. He’s made it clear we will never get back together and I’m starting to lose hope. I thought he was the love of my life and he did at once say he wanted to marry me. There was no cheating yet we just bickered a lot due to us being too much a like. He said he fell out of love with me. I miss him so much and I just feel like he’s slipping further and further away. Is all hope
gone?
For now, keep all conversation at work with him professional and avoid small talk - this is how you practice NC with an ex that you work with. If he's fallen out of love with you, it simply means he lost attraction after all that fighting. Perhaps it's time to make some positive changes to your life that he may notice, and even ignite his interest again if you're really keen on wanting him back. The good thing is at least things didn't end ugly and on non-talking terms, so you definitely still have a chance.
Hello,
My boyfriend broke up with me 5 months ago, we were 2 years together and before that 3 years best friends. He had a new relationship with a girl from his university after 2 months (he told me 1 month later). Now she broke up with him (she cheated) and he comes back to me. He wants the friendship back, he said he wanted to recontact me long before but his (ex) girlfriend has forbidden him to contact me. He asked our mutual friends how I was. Now I don't know if I am the rebound? If he comes back because of regret? Or does he really just want our friendship back? I don't know what to do because I still love him a lot!
It could be any of the 3 reasons, since you wouldn't know his intentions for wanting to come back to you. However, if he is bound by what his ex allows (and doesn't allow) - it means that he still probably has feelings for her and there's a strong chance that he's coming back to you out of comfort (regret) rather than genuinely wanting to be friends.
He still loves his ex, but wants a friendship with me and she will have to accept it no matter what. She is trying to gain his trust back, but he doesn't know if he wants her back, because the relationship will never be that deep like our relationship. He said he doesn't have feelings for me, but I'm still the one he wants kids with... How can he say that without having feelings? Do I have to make him fall in love with me again or do I have to just sit back and wait because "if its meant to be, it will be??" ??
It may be because he's confused about his feelings towards you at the moment. Usually under these circumstances, he probably have a stronger connection with you but a strong passion for his ex resulting in his confusion. You would probably have to try and re-create a spark if you want him back, in order to give yourself an advantage in terms of both connection and passion.
And how can I try to re-create this spark? He is going to give his exgirlfriend a second chance and I am going on a longterm vacation next year so maybe I should wait for it? He said over text he doesn’t feel anything for me at all..
If that's the case, then maybe even more time apart may do you good in order to create enough positive changes to your life so that it's obvious enough to peak his interest down the road if you ever cross paths again. However, under these circumstances, I would think that moving on might be the easier thing to do instead.
Hi there,
I really need advice. My ex and I were on and off again for a year and a half. He left me 4 times. This last tome he packed his stuff the day we broke up and i begged him for weeks to come back. He moved out of town for a job which is initially why he left me because I have a son and we couldn’t move with him and he didn’t even do distance. The last time I saw him like 3 weeks ago when I showed up at his job he had been telling me pretty much to have a good life. He had already removed me off all social media and he blocked my number before I saw him. We said our goodbyes since he was moving. We have been in no contact almost a month and he had told me to move on with my life. He isn’t dating anyone but I feel like he already moved on. He had always come back after begging but this time I haven’t heard from him at all. I want him back so badly. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Please help me. I feel like by him telling me not to just stay in my house all the time and focus on my son he was telling me he didn’t want to be with me. He has abandonment issues and couldn’t commit to being a family which is what we argued about when he left. He always told me he wanted marriage and kids but then just left me for this job and didn’t even try distance.
Even if you want him back, begging isn't the way to go about it since it will only get you blocked. You should focus on picking yourself up for the time being and also remaining strong for the sake of your son. Your son comes first, and since he's moved out of town for work and didn't want to do long distance, it might be best to move on from this, as there's not many opportunities for you to rekindle the relationship. If the chance presents itself in the future, and he moves back to town, you could always try again.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We had been arguing quite a bit the past couple months but go through them and I he also felt I had lost attraction to him. We have been dating over 4 years and the past couple months I wondered maybe what it would be like to try other things and meet new people. In January I suggested a break which took him by surprise. A week went by and we agreed to meet up but he wanted me to do the talking and tell him why we should try again. He said he would give me one more chance, and we were making progress, and things were gradually improving. But a few weeks later we got into an argument and I think that topped it for him. We have been broke up officially for about 3 weeks now. During the first week I tried to get him back by writing him letters and going to his house but it was too soon. He told me we aren't getting back together. Its been 3 weeks now and we have only not been talking for about a week and a half. He texted me yesterday saying that we can meet up if I still have questions for him to answer. I'm wondering if I should go or not. I still have questions but I want him to contact me to possibly try again, and I want him to miss me and miss what we had. I know what we had was special, I was just always insecure, and we struggled on new activities to do, and our sex life. I have had some time to think of how to repair this but I think its still too soon for him to listen. Do you suggest I meet up with him or maybe hold off a little longer?
Thank you! :)
I suggest holding it off awhile longer as it may still be too soon, and meeting him may cause you to do something that you may regret later on - such as begging for him back, especially if he doesn't respond positively.
Whats your take on this situation? Do you think that he will come around maybe even in a few months? or would you say there is no hope?
I would say that there's always going to be a chance, depending on how you play your cards and make your moves. However, there's no guarantee on the time frame it would take, and it's more of questioning yourself whether you're able to hold on. If not, it might be easier to give up and walk away because things may not get easier for the immediate future.
I feel like I can't NOT hold on though because I genuinely feel that he is the one for me, and I love him more than anything. No-one has ever mattered like him. This breakup has taught me so much and a lot of the lessons I have learnt late but I have learnt a lot and in the process of still learning. It's kind of hard to explain but I want him to know that. I received an email this week cause I signed up for the Kevin Thompson emails and it was subjected "And it's called...". It was the email about how once a guy has made a decision he has to stick to it. He needs to be consistent with his decision. And thats exactly how my ex is. I met up with my ex last week and he didn't want to tell himself or me this but he does see himself being with me again, and getting back together. But how do I show him that and make that real when he is dead set on his current decision like the email said? I just feel like when boys make a decision they are have to stick with it but how to you show them that by not sticking with that, it doesn't mean its wrong or all for nothing
Also, since last week he has texted me saying things like "Hey! I hope you have a good day!" and if I don't reply but read it he will ask something else. I replied the first time but a few days later he sent another and I didn't reply. He is being friendly and showing her cares, but its hard only have a 5 text conversation vs. an all day conversation like we used to. Do you think I should just ignore them for now. I want him to miss me but I don't want it to work out the opposite effect.
It would be best if you could ignore the texts while going through NC, but if you're really worried that it results in the opposite effect, perhaps reply to him letting him know that you are working on yourself right now and trying to deal with everything that has happened, and request for some space with a date to catch up again.
As for whatever you're going through, stay strong and understand that when boys make a decision, as stubborn as they try to stick with it, they potentially waver just as quickly. You ultimately have to show him what he's missing out on, and by continuing with making changes in your life and improving yourself, that's what you'll be showing him at the end of the day.
Hello,
I lost my guy to circumstance. He has things to work on. He said he needs space, so should I contact him after the 30 days, or wait for him to contact me?
You could always check in on him to see how he's doing after 30 days, but keep it casual.
Hey, there's this girl i was dating who ended things between us 5 days ago. She ended our relationship through text and when I went to approach her on that night, she chose to ignore me. I did text her following that night but she ignored all my texts. The last time i texted her was 4 days ago.
We first met through Tinder and had a great 1.5 months together but all this came as a shock to me. It was very sudden without any real signs that suggested it was going to happen. After she ended things with me, she unfollowed me on Instagram the next day and made me unfollow her too (i guess it's through block and unblock). She unmatched me on Tinder either yesterday or today, although she didn't block me on the phone so i can still text her but i dont know what new developments are going to happen. I'm just curious whether the no contact rule will apply here, and if it does, how long should i do it for? If it's applicable, then how do I approach her while it ends - memory texts or the elephant? And does the fact that she didn't block me on the phone and Instagram mean that i still have a chance?
Since it was only a short period of dating, perhaps you might want to give it around 2 weeks for the NC period. However, you should also keep in mind that winning her back is dependent on how she viewed the relationship with you, and you have to be mentally prepared that she might not have been as serious as you were.
We’ve been engaged since September and out of the blue I was sat down and got told that my fiancé is leaving me. Concerned it was pre-marriage jitters, I told her that we can cancel the wedding and just work on us. She told me that I need to realise that this decision isn’t temporary and that she has considered it over a few months. I’m very confused at the moment as all I have as an answer is that she needs to be alone and work on herself. I want to start doing the no contact thing, but obviously logistics of staying together, wedding plans etc. needs to be worked out ASAP. Not sure what to do as I really want to do anything in my power to make things work again and want to follow the above to do so. How can I go about making sure all the arrangements have been finalised as well as starting with the no contact?
You could still go ahead with no contact, even under these circumstances. Simply limit the small talk with her and keep any engagement purely on a necessary basis, relating to the logistics of your wedding and other arrangements. Try to get them sorted out as soon as possible, and from there fully focus on no contact after.
Hi im having problems with my ex gf, we broke up around a month ago, she told me that she wasnt ready for a reletionship, i been writing and calling her all the time, and asking why?dont you love me and stuff, and 4 days ago she called me and said she is prenant, and we been fight so much there pass 3 weeks, she started to lose feeling for me, and now i do not know how to get get back, and she is carrying my child, she still tells me that she doesnt want a reletionship, if you could contact me would be great, i still do love her, i want to be with her, we been fighting/writing so much together, that like i said she is losing feeling for me, i dont know what i have done to make her end the reletionship with me, everything was good, then she started to be distances/didnt wrote much, and one day she just said it, i dont wa t to be in a relationship right now, she saids she loved me but she wasnt ready, can you contact me and please help me win her back
Perhaps you need to show her that you're capable of change if you want to win her back. You'll need to make some changes in your life, and show her that you love her not just by your words but also by your actions.
Hi there,
My gf of 8yrs broke up with me cause I've continously shown a lack of communication skills (i shut her out during fights) throughout our relationship. Issues were never resolved and were always repeating. At the end i gave her less attention and that was the last drop for her. She said she loves me and knows i love her too, but wants to move on as our relationship is too toxic for her and she's afraid to get hurt again.
I'm already seeing a therapist to pick up on these issues, mostly were from my troubled childhood.
But i'm a bit late to fix me.. We've tried to stay in contact, but i only pushed her away more. After 2 months of trying to get her attention (we did cuddle alot and still kiss a bit once in a while), i started NC, cause that's what she wants too. She wants to forget about me..
She is now making arrangements to basically cut me out of her life.
Is it too late for me? Is there anything else i can do?
Thanks, Jack
Since there's so many negative emotions associated with you at the moment, it may be best to let her cut you out for the time being to at least let go of these negative emotions, while you make some changes to yourself. You'll be able to re-contact her again later on, and these changes you've made should have a bigger impact since she may not have a jaded view against you by then.
After 1 month of NC, we had some contact (she contacted me) as we're separating our mortgage on our house since I've been living in another house a month after the break up. So she contacts me once in a while, she's already noticed some of the changes made.
Should i ever contact her or always let her contact me? When she does contact me i try and be nice and sweet to her. I'm just unsure if i should try and keep the convo going or just give her a little and let her have the option to 'pull' if she really wants to keep the convo going, just so i don't put any pressure on her and maybe actually letting her wanting more.
She's also going away on vacation soon.. unsure if i should wish her well or be completely silent. My gut is telling me to wish her well, my mind is telling me to steer clear
You could be the one to initiate from time to time, and see how she responds to it. At least you get a gauge of how she responds to you when you're the one who contacts her instead.
It seems it's always me initiating the contact. Every 3/4 days. She's still being distant and i can tell she has her walls up and keeps talking about us in different lives and that we'll get used to it... Almost as if she's heartless. It's so confusing how much a person can change in so little time.
Btw, my last email from you guys was "The Soap Opera Called Life". Was that the end? Aren't there any more e-mails?
Thanks, Jack
Need more advice please. And why aren't there any subscription emails from you guys with more advice??
I met my ex on holiday and at first I wasn't really interested it seem to be all him we kept in contact for 7 months and then he came on a work course up near me ( he lives 4 hours away). he spent every weekend at mine and we got on really well - still do - we have so much in common. He came and spent weekends with me and I went down to see him. but after 4 months or so he thought about it and decided a relationship isn't for him right now because of work as he is unsure what he is doing. he said he has feelings for me but obviously aren't as intense as mine but wants to keep in contact and meet up every now and then because he likes spending time with me and thinks im a great person. He hasn't really had a relationship before so has never had to commit and he also isn't one to get attached to people.
im currently (successfully) on day 13 of no contact and he has pretty much made contact everyday by sending a instagram or facebook post but yesterday he messaged saying "even though you dont want any contact with me you need to see this picture" which was of a cat, so I didnt really need to see it. Im just really confused what to do or what is going on. By him saying that does that mean the NC is getting to him and that was his way of getting my attention and trying to get me to reply or am I in the friend zone?. Never mind his head being all over the place mine is!! I would love to try make us happen as we are so compatible but what do I do? will he commit? is he starting to miss me? he also did say it will take him a few months to sort out his work but doesn't want me to hang on to something that is 100% certain because of how strong I feel.
Any advise would be great!
thank you
As you've mentioned, it's clear that he has feelings for you but isn't sure of them and being someone who hasn't had a serious relationship before, finds it easier to push you away than to accept and deal with those feelings. Your options now are to either convince him that it can work out and lead by experience, or let him continue chasing you in the hopes that he figures his feelings out someday and commits to you. Either way, it seems that NC is somewhat getting to him judging by the fact that he continues to maintain contact with you despite.
I am 20 years old while my ex boyfriend is 19 years old. He broke up with me saying that he's not ready for a commitment but we've been together for 2 years. 1 year of friendship and 1 year of being in a relationship. I just don't get it. I want him back but I think he fall out of love and is confused of his life. We are now friends but I don't talk to him anymore because he is just ignoring my message. What shall I do? Some of his guitar stuff are still in my place, when I asked him when will he pick up those stuff he just replied "standby".
You could apply NC for the time being to pick yourself back up, and distance yourself from the situation so as to not get affected by his actions. You'll also want to prove that your life doesn't revolve around him. Due to his age, he might genuinely not be ready to commit because of his maturity and still wants to explore his 'choices'.
Okay, this has worked but it's been about 18 months and I contacted her about 4 months ago. Trust me, she's worth it. We're meeting this Friday night and I'm nervous. She's nervous too, I can tell. It didn't last long in our past relationship, it was quick and love really didn't have a chance to blossom, but recently I feel that either 1.) she's realized that she's falling in love with me and is afraid of how things in our current situations could change as we're both married and unhappy, or 2.) she has walls up because she's forgotten how to love and wants to keep me in the friend zone until she figures out what to do including giving me her heart. She has been opening up to me a lot over the last 30 days, like some kind of switch was instantly flipped and it's much different than our first relationship. We laugh a lot about everything and I feel like I'm now trusted which is extremely important but I don't want to blow it and have my heart broken again even though I'm already in love with her. She's an independent woman and I intend on not smothering her with love and affection even though she has told me that she is missing this. I want her to fall for me when she's ready, not try and force it, even though I can't wait to pull her close, stare into her eyes, touch her face and kiss her again. Any advice is surely appreciated. She really means the world to me and all I've ever wanted is to have her back. So here I am, only three days away from my second chance and my anxiety and excitement are very very high.
Normally, just being yourself is enough, especially if she's already started to fall for you but isn't sure of her feelings just yet. You could increase her confidence by assuring her of these feelings and letting things progress at her pace of comfort.
me and my ex broke up from 3 days ago and the reason was because his mom didn't approve for the relationship and he couldn't disobey her and so he dumped me so shall i start the no contact rule hoping we might get back together becuz i really love him ?
Your chances would depend why his mom disapproved of the relationship, and whether there are things that could be done to change that. Figure that out, and if the answer is no - his mom won't ever change her outlook, you might be better off moving on from the relationship since he is unlikely to change his mind about the breakup.
Just someone who read your message here... if you think he feels bad for the breakup too and is genuinely hesitant only because of his mom, I would send him a text saying something like "Even though I feel it's a shame you let your mom's feelings override yours, I understand why you feel you must do this. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the relationship, I've learned a lot and know that this experience will help me in my next relationship. Best of luck to you!"
Then go no contact.
This might a) make him think of you in another relationship, which might make him fight harder for you and b) leave a fond memory; who knows, maybe you'll have another chance one day, when he is no longer quite so dependent on his mother.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago. We were together for a 4 years and she broke up with because of constant arguing. She had told me before and given me chances before but i never changed and she decided it was the final straw. The breakup was messy and angry and its only in the last week that we stopped talking. I had a realisation that my communication method had still not improved and therefore i have now sought professional help to improve which i feel is working. She called me by mistake so i rang her back and i apologised for being angry and tried to approach the conversation in a confident and calm manor, she started crying because she said it was hard to hear my voice. We had a nice chat then i left it on a positive note. She has however been pretty adamant we need to not speak to get over eachother and we certainly are never getting back together. It feels like i can never show her that things can change this time. What should i do?
Perhaps give her some space for now and apply No Contact in the meantime to continue working on your communication issues and yourself in general. Contact her again after and see how things go.
Hey I wrote a message a while back - I'm 21, he's 24 and moved onto an 18 year old girl from his school less than a week after a big fight. We were talking for several months/in a relationship for around 3 months. At this point, he's been dating her for longer than we have but they only “clicked” after that fight (from what he's told me, idk) which was on December 1. We were trying to work things out after we broke up in mid November and he even said he loved me and that we have a lot to work on a couple days before that fight where we stopped talking for 2 weeks. That was the longest we didn't talk before it was like 1/2 days, we talked everyday almost all day. We started getting into fights more often before the breakup and I was surprised when he wanted to break up because I thought we were serious about each other because the fights were so silly. I focused on myself for those 2 weeks because we both had finals so I thought he was focused on that too. I found out he was with that girl 2 and a half weeks later and he said he had already been with her for 2 weeks. We got into a huge, ugly fight and I called him a cheater because his stories weren't adding up. I acted really needy, texting him a lot but then I stopped, did no contact, and worked on myself.
He added me on snapchat randomly like 2 weeks after when he had blocked my number/all social media so I figured out he unblocked me. I didn't add back or anything and he unfollowed 5 days later after I posted pics looking like I was happy/with friends. So then a month later I sent an 'accidental heart' in instagram message and said sorry it was a mistake and he adds me on snapchat again. I ask him why and he said he "thought we could be friends but slowly" and I'm like okay. At this point, I thought maybe things weren't working out with the new girl because she hadn't posted pics of them in a month when they were posting many pics before. So then a couple days later is Valentine's day and she posts a pic with him carrying her on his back and I message him angrily that ‘I don't want to be friends, what did you think you'd get out of this’ and more long, angry texts that he didn’t respond to and he blocked me again on everything. Then I tried messaging I'm sorry but no response. I felt so stupid after. A couple days later, she posts 3 consecutive instagram posts with him like her arms around him, him around hers, seeming really happy. Under one of them I noticed he commented “so the worst pictures of me 🙄” and didn’t like the post and I saw the comment was deleted afterwords. I know I’m getting into the details but I just don’t know what to think. I messed up again and I’m hopeless at this point that I even have a chance. I’ve stopped contact again but I don’t know if it’ll work, I’ve messed up too much. Do you have any advice on what could be going on and what I could do from this point?
Hello
My girlfriend left me one month ago.she prank on me and I had take it seriously and I call her again and again to talk to her but she ignored me all time.After that one day she clearly said to me on phone that she don't want me because of my behaviour.she was thinking I was getting psycho,possessive and doubt about her.Because this misunderstanding she avoid to talk with me.sometimes I only message her.I can give her time but she is very stubborn about her decision so what to do now?
If this past month hasn't been enough time for her to calm down and she's still upset with you, perhaps give her some more space to let go of the negative emotions she may still feel towards you. Depending on how you reacted to her prank, there are clear issues that both parties need to work on, in terms of respecting each other, boundaries, and the communicative skills to know when one party is joking. If you really want her back, you could let her know that you're sorry for reacting that way and it was a misunderstanding. Tell her you'd still like to be friends but would give her the space she needs before she's ready to talk to you again.
Hello
She said all time you have same behaviour and I want to focus on carrier so stay away.
I am ready for give her space but after my reaction she don't want me to accept again.
What to do now
Hi, this may be a really long and complicated story but I will keep it short.
Two things I have to mention. First, we, in fact, were not a couple, because we did not date, but we acted like one. Second, I was serious with him and committed to this relationship. I did have feelings for him first since we rented the same place and he was always there when I needed him. I could say that I was emotionally attached to him. We were in the same house together for 4 months (around 7 months ago). All good things happened. We shared things, talked, went on trips, did things together. I did think he was the one for me, and I could feel he had feelings for me too. Then I had to go away. We kept in touch for 2 months at least (about 2 months ago?), and he told me wanted to be serious since he liked me a lot too. He asked me when I got back to the house if I wanted to date him and be in a serious relationship and something further. I had to say this was what I expected yet did not give him the answer at that time. But after that thing changed. He told me that I was so indecisive and could not sure what I wanted in life. He did not want to be with someone like that. That was 5 weeks ago. The reason was he was quite mature and he wanted to get married less than 3 years times. Then 3 weeks ago he told me that he was seeing someone else but he knew that relationship did not go anywhere, he did not have an attachment to her. Of course, I was in a total mess since he gave me hope and as I told you I was quite serious with him, and I did think we could be committed to each other. Things shifted too fast in just 5 weeks, how could I deal with it normally?. When I came back to the state a week ago (I moved all my stuff out when he said he was seeing someone so I am not with him now), I texted him a lot, called him a lot, and like most people here, got blocked too (just a few days ago). He told me he had moved on, so just take my time and do my thing, let it be for a while and should not disturb each other for a few months.
Today I accidentally found your blog, I read some and realized a lot. I know 7-month knowing each other is not long, but we are both mature, and we were quite serious for a couple of months so I did think this worked out. I am still a mess now since things have happened quite recently, but I am picking up every piece and start to think straight. If I follow your 5-step, do you think if there is any chance we can get back together in a few months time? Or at least, just be friends without letting out past disturb our friendship (supposed we could both actually move on)
Hope I can get the answer from you since this will mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for your time
The important thing for you in this scenario is to work towards building up a friendship with him again. Perhaps the distance had caused him to disassociate himself with you despite how he felt, and now it's easier to push you away than to work on continuing where things left off. There's definitely still a chance, but it's dependent on how strongly he felt towards you back then as well. Since he already knows it won't work out with his current date, he has not dismissed the idea of dating you, but he probably knows it won't happen anytime soon. I suggest that you give both parties some space for the time being and apply no contact. You could start talking to him again once things have settled down, and you are in a better place emotionally.
Last year i met a woman, she was very into me, you see Im the kind of guy who doesnt fall in love fast, after a while spending together she liked me very much and even told me first that she loved me, at that point i did not love her but i liked her very much, after a little longer a month we started a relationship and i started to really love her. In fact in the beginnings things were so great that we couldnt get enough of eachother, she even said that she loved me forever, at a few points i did some stupid things and made her very angry with me, after that i showed her how much she meant to me and started to do everything for her, everytime we had problems i tried very hard to make things better for her, we both live in different countries but she comes to my country to visit family, she has 2 children ( girls) her exhusband was no longer in the picture before i met her, 2 months ago the day when she left my country i spend the day with her and everything was great, before she go away she said i love you and i will text you next week, so one week later she texted me and sended me pictures of her and told me she missed me, i started to text her several times and she and i just got simpel messages back but still with a line like: (you are my heart).
I was doing my own thing but missed her alot so i started to send her a few texts, just telling her how much i loved and miss her, i started to get stressed, after the last text she told me that she loved me too but doesnt like to text me all the time, she said not to stress about anything and that she comes next month, so i told her that i promise that i not stress, i waited one week and it was valentinesday so i texted her, she texted me back and said to me happy valentinesday my love i miss you, after that we havent talked since then, i dont know what her point of view is on us? Maybe she wants to be alone to miss me and stronger our relationship or Maybe she is seeing another guy, i have no idea? I had a special gift made for her and her children to show her how much i care and how much my heart feels for her, i want to give this gift to her when she comes again and i see her.
Do you have any advice on what i should do when i see her? I know exactly how i feel and this is the woman i want to spend my life with.
For the time being, try not to over think so much, and perhaps text her occasionally leading up to her visit. Wait until she comes to visit again, then give her the gift you've prepared. From there it would be easier to observe as well, whether she seems different emotionally towards you, or if you were thinking too much. If it is the former, you should definitely address the issue with her and let her know how you feel.
Thank you for the advice, i already decided to not overthink so much, so have been keeping myself bussy and its working great, the fact that she has 2 children means that she also is very bussy with taking care of them and i have to respect her space, i only texted her a few days ago to tell her how i have been and told her that i hoped that she and her children are well, she pretty much texted me right back and told me that she was happy that i am good and that she is also very good with her children she said she missed me and i texted her back and told her i missed her too, after that the conversation was ended because space is very important i decided to not overthink and did not text her, she wil come soon so Im just living my life and taking it one step at a time, when i see her i will give her the gift and see how things are just like you said, even whatever happens, her happiness is more important to me.
Hi,
My girlfriend left me in January after being together for 4 years.
She was jealous of my ex who is my business partner and my best friend. She found some messages on my phone which meant nothing I tried to explain everything, but she doesn't accept friendship between me and my ex. She is jealous of even "Hi Hun" message.#
Well after finding the last message on my phone she decided to break up but she kept living with me another 20 days, we had a laugh, we had sex etc. But she kept saying we have to break up and after a big argument she left the house on 17th of January and took her stuff on 28th of January. I didn't contact her until the 13th of February but when we met up she invited me for a drink where we kissed and she said she loves me but we cant be together and we have to move on.And she was upset that i didnt contact her past 3 weeks and didnt care about her. on 14th she got drunk with her friends and texted "I love you too. Happy valentines". on 15th we met again we kissed, cried and she said she will block me on every social media and that we have to move on. This is driving me crazy. I applied no contact again but contacted her yesterday and again humiliated myself saying I love her and that we should get back together. She got pissed off and said that i didnt love her and that I chose to stay friends with my ex. she suggested me to date my ex again. She said even if we get together everything will remind her of my friendship with my ex and she will get angry and snap.So she suggested me to see the specialist and move on
So about my ex: we work together. She has a girlfriend and getting married. She is the person I rely on, I trust.
I never cheated on my girlfriend. I just don' know what else to do? I want her back. But I have this feeling she will not come back and no contact will push her further away from. Please advise
Thanks
You have to understand that it's normal for your partner to feel insecure and jealous over an ex being your best friend because they are worried that a relapse of feelings could happen at anytime and they feel threatened by it. It's clear that your partner still loves you, but as long as your relationship continues with your ex as best friends, it will be hard for her to accept it, and it's always going to be an issue. Ultimately, while I'm all for exes remaining friends, I've come to realize that boundaries still have to be drawn, especially when you enter a new relationship, because most people aren't going to be able to accept it. Perhaps you have to understand why your partner feels threatened by your ex, and what goes through her mind, so that you may be able to come to some compromise on the matter, without severing ties with your ex and still getting your current partner back.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for the reply. Do you recommend I do the no contact?
I am training someone at work already to leave that job where I work with my ex (friend)
And my ex wrote my current gf an email saying that she doesn't want to be part of our break up and that we have to sort out ourselves. That she has her family and fiance and doesn't want to be blamed for the problems she hasn't created.
I am going on holiday soon. I will be back in 45 days so all this period of time I want to do no contact.
whats your advise.
Many Thanks
If that's the case, I do suggest you follow through with NC since the opportunity is there and your ex has expressed herself already in not wanting to get involved in the process, so you should respect her decision and not 'involve' her until everything has cleared up.
Hi, I met my ex 3 years ago, I was and still are a college student. Im 35 now she is 29. At that time I was married and lived far from her. Eventually I divorced and everything started to go perfect with my girlfriend. Now, she was and is ridiculous jealous, I mean crazy ridiculous, even from her own family, it's like I'm a walking Brad Pitt. Not even 3 months into the relationship she told me she wanted kids, I talked to her and said it wasn't the best moment and she took it bad and even accused me of being sterile. Tired of that crap I said to myself, ok how bad can it be? At 5 months she got pregnant of twins. Since that moment it was even crazier. At some point I had really given up since she didn't trust me and was suffocating me, so we talked and kind of broke up. From that moment I felt happy and just kept a father relationship with her. Like 4 months later I found that she was talking to a guy. She actually looked for him and I got really upset. I tried to explain myself why, and just could understand she felt I wasn't giving her attention as a woman, so couple weeks later we sit down and talked and decided to give it a chance. We started again and everything was good. Now the problems in our relationship have always been her jealously and money. Even when I was a college student, I paid her bill until she got a job a year after the birth. When it came time for the taxes I let her get all the refunds, even though I have rights to claim one, and even more when she took me to court to pay child support. Eventually after 3 years she broke up with me again for money reasons. Her reason are that she thinks I won't ever change and have proved nothing to her, that I have no commitment. And I'm like, how can you say that? I always paid your bills, didn't claim my kids even when you made me pay child support, proposed you marriage and everything. My friends tell me I should move on, she is not worth it. I'm not perfect by any means, by im average handsome, good guy, no bad habits, never cheated on her, and even better parent than what she is. But for some reason I can't stop thinking about going back to her as bad as it looks. I wonder why someone like her that met bad men before me would be able to find someone good after me, even after all the crap she has put me through, how life can be so unfair. I see my kids everyday but wonder whether if I take them to my house for some days of the week will affect her and maybe make her realize a relationship is compromise and sacrifices, or if she would be happy she would have more time for dating a new guy. I miss my relationship as bad as it was and wonder why? Initially I screwed up and didn't do the no contact period, I begged her and humiliated myself, and now feel ashamed. Since the last argument we had there has been 10 days of no contact, only couple call regarding the kids, I'm holding on, but is extremely though. I have been working on myself but I find it hard to focus. I can't stop thinking or wishing that her next relationship is bad enough so she can value me. I even talked to a therapist and she told me she won't be able to put aside her own issues by simply dating a guy, but it hurts to even think she will. I can't stop thinking about the probabilities that some guy will be willing to date a single mother of 2 and be able to handle her craziness. I try to tell myself that the probabilities are low, but can't stop fearing for that one chance, as she is physically beautiful. I don't know, I can't stop asking questions, like did she really love me? why did she wanted to have kids with me when I was a broke student? Does she still love me somehow? After breakup in one of our discussions she mentioned I was doing everything to go back but I was doing it wrong, and was like why you tell me that when you said you didn't want to go back? Then things got worse as I didn't do the no contact. But for some reason she always tells me that she has lost hope of me changing, and everytime we comeback, but I'm afraid not this time.
It can be hard to accept the breakup, especially when your ex seems to be doing much better than you are, but you have to ask yourself honestly if this is the kind of life you want to lead. She seems unlikely to change anytime soon, and the only way things may work out now is by your compromise, which is emotionally exhausting. You'll have to figure out what it is you want, and why it is you want her back because ideally if you're going to attempt to win her, it should be a permanent thing and not some temporary moment of happiness with no change to the situation.
Hey.. I've been dating him for 11months,i love him so much... But this year is too important for both of us (the last yr of high school).. We hardly communicated... Then he told me that he don't want to talk to me.. And gave no reasons ..just he had some problems and refused to explain,,,,. I told him that i love him he don't have to do that to me.. He just said that he loves me too..and asked me to remember him any way...
now we don't talk any more.. I don't know or understand anything..am i single ?? What to do with him.. Also i know he is talking to other girls rn .. Not dating....and that makes me jealous and really angry... i miss him so much though
You should have a talk with him about this, and figure out what it is he wants. There's a good chance that he wanted to break up but didn't know how to go about it, eventually deciding to keep things vague hoping you'll forget about the relationship.
If so y did he told me that be loves me and misses me and promised that whatever happens he will love me... How could he be such a liar!! It's complicated... When he said he didn't want to talk to me he said that after finishing our study we could be together.. And refused to explain more..
What if i talk to him !!!! And he pulls me away again..it will hurt me.. Isn't there any other solution? <3
Like I mentioned earlier, instead of overthinking and speculating of all the possible scenarios that may or may not be true, you might want to consider simply talking to him and asking him for an honest answer. If he doesn't want to give it to you, then you might be better off distancing yourself from him for the time being, until there's a better opportunity.
thank u for helping me ❤❤but i didn't talk to him.. yesterdays he texted me that he missed me so much and wants to be with me again.. i asked him for explanation he said he was sorry and told that he was depressed about his study, he said he wasn't doing well so decided to be away from me as he didn't deserve me.. he wanted to be successful in order to make a serious relationship... i believed him and i was so happy about his thoughts...but when i told that to my bestie.. she told me that he is lying.. in ordor not to lose me.. and it seems like he is playing.. knowing that i didn't talk to him since yesterday.. i don't know what to do.. ! is he really lying? should i support him? or leave him!!?
This is something you would know best and I cannot give you a definite answer since I do not know your ex and how he's like as person. You should consider carefully, and follow what you think is the best solution based on whether you think he's lying or not.
Hey
Me and my ex broke up 24days ago
The reason behind the breakup was his family concern.It is necssary to mention that we belongs from different religion and his family would never accept me.But from the very begining of our relationship he said that we will not live with our family as he don't have any problem regarding my religion. To be really honest our relationship was the bestest one I have ever seen. He was so supporting, understating, loving, caring. I can't think my life without him. But as I was quite stubborn so he had to always pacify me that what made our realtionship a bit complicated. From last 2 months he was behaving quite weirdly as we weren't able to contact frequently due to some problems. Last day before we broke up we had a fight and stopped talking to each other. But at the end of the day I couldn't resist myself and called him. But he didn't talk to me properly. Later on he said that he wouldn't be able to continue this relationship. When I asked for reasons he said anyhow his mother got to know about our realtionship and he can't take the pain from his home.And also added he can't progress in his life because of me as he is fully obsessed with me. He said he can't concentrate in a single thing as he always think about me, ourself and our future. As a result he wont able to make a good result and wont able to make a future for us.So he said he can't continue the realtionship. My world was just ended right there. I was completely blank then.I begged him and cried out.But he didn't hear. He was sticked to his logic. Lastly I couldn't resist myself and said a lots of bad stuff about his family and him.Which made him more angry. He blocked me in all kind of social networking sites. He blocked my number too. I begged to him but he didn't pay a hid to it. I also tried to reach him through his friends but it didn't worked out. Intact last night also I called him more than 25times but he didn't picked.Am just driving crazy day by day.I've become completely depressed and my health got also affected by this. The next month I have a big exam to appear which will literally decide my future but for this I really can't concentrate.I've tried to suicide by taking pills and by hearing that he became more angry and thought am trying to distracting him. I know what I've done to him wasn't right. I shouldn't say those stuffs to him. And am really sorry from the core of my heart. He is the right one for me and no one could be better than him.I have no clue what I'll do the next day. I just can't live without him. I want him back the love of my life any how. I am getting destructed day by day
Plz help me reagarding this
I really love him and ready to apologise for all wrong things that I've done to him. But he is not even ready to listen.Plz help!!
Then you'll have to give him space first to let go of all the negative emotions he has towards you at the moment from the recent events. If you really feel unable to cope with your emotions and have suicide tendencies or thoughts, perhaps it may be better to consult a specialist for therapy before you try to contact your ex again. By being like this, you will only push him further away because you come across as desperate or needy, which would make him raise his guard against you.
Hey Kevin,
about 2 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend because at the time it felt like the right thing to do. It was our first real relationship any of us had and we dated for about 5 months. about 2 hours after breaking up with her I realized how much of a mistake I made. we are both young and were each other's first love. We talked the day after and I told her how much of a mistake it was and everything, but she feels that we have grown apart and this is for the best. a few days went by and I gave her a valentines day letter, just talking about our good times and how ill always love her, she texted me that night saying how much that meant to her and everything but that was it. about a week went by and I heard from my friends that she honestly wants to keep things this way so I sent her a text explaining the only reason I did what I did was because I thought she was losing interest in me and was afraid she was going to end things with me.
She said that she appreciated me telling her that but honestly thinks its best if we both move on, she said that people change and that's okay, difficult for sure but okay, she also said that maybe in a few years if everything works out that we could try things again but right now she cant. I told her I respect that and only asked for a second chance but was told: "I cant, I'm sorry".
I've tried to get my head off her but I honestly believe I lost something truly special. I don't want to be needy but I also want her back. she says that she misses what we had and will always care about me and that the past week or so hasn't been easy but she keeps saying that this is best for us.
am I in a hopeless situation?
You're not in a hopeless situation, but it's best if you give her some time to loosen her stand on not getting back together. She's currently adamant about it based on the current you, and if you want a shot with her, you might have to make some changes to your life to re-attract her back. You could follow this article for further guidance.
my girlfriend broke up with me recently after 4years of the relationship,she says she doesnt trust me and love me anymore,i want to start the no contact rule,i dont know if it will work and she has started seeing another guy 3montgs before we broke up,what are my chances??
Why would she not trust you if she's the one who started seeing another guy even before you broke up? You might want to consider the possibility of walking away and being fair to yourself. However, if you genuinely want to be with her again, it's most likely that this new guy is a rebound for you, and she probably ended the relationship because 4 years is a long enough time for couples to lose the passion or spark in the relationship. I suggest making changes to that aspect, and applying no contact before considering any action down the road.
Hi Kevin...
I want to tell u that I was dating one guy ... We both were serious about each other n loyal too.. We dated for 5 months he always used to talk with me n he made commitment in front of everyone that he going to marry me... He said whatever happen I ll stay with her.. N Now I don't know what happen he brokeup n reason given that I irritate him n tortured him... I said sorry even I said I ll never do it again still he was like noo I don't want u... 20 days ago he brokeup with me n we having mutual friends they too tired for patchup but he is not ready at all Plzz tell me what to do??
You could consider applying No contact and spend some time figuring out what you could improve on with regards to your personal life, and if you still want to be with him after NC, try initiating contact then. This gives him some space to let go of negative emotions he may hold towards you.
My ex girlfriend broke up with my almost two months ago. She gave me multitude of reasons but after reflecting I know she lost attraction for me and we were not successfuly communicating. She kissed a guy the day after we split (and maybe more). I begged her to stay and give me one more chance a week after the breakup when we met to talk and gain closure. She told me she has been in relationship after relationship and doesn’t know how to be happy in her own. She just couldn’t have me as her boyfriend anymore she said.
It’s been super hard to do anything and I’ve read countless articles on how I should handle myself and what I should do. I still want her back for the right reasons. In the first month apart she sent me a gift, posted a pic on the one social media site that I didn’t block her on in a jacket of mine that she has, and txted me on my birthday that she missed me.
I reached out about a month after going no contact to see the reason for these actions if there was any. She told me she wasn’t trying to confuse me but rather express her want to be on good terms. I never replied and I’m wondering what I should do.
Thank you
Since no contact is over, you can consider remaining on friendly terms with her first, and slowly work your way towards something more again. Even if she has lost attraction towards you, the fact that she once fell in love with you meant that there is a certain factor you possess that attracts her. You're just going to have to recall what it was, and implement it as part of your plan to attract her back once more.
I'm so dumb! It's really balffling how someone can love you deeply for over 3 years and suddenly, they have turned off all feelings. It's been 3 weeks since we have been officially broken up, and I have messaged him around once a week, to which he would politely reply. He's been out every night, and I am just freaking out inside because he's so good looking, I'm sure women are all over him. I talked to him yesterday, I had to call him at work. We talked about our finances and took care of some of those things, I told him I was doing well, and he said the same. Then I stupidly said "I miss you". The heartbreaking reply was, "yeah" Now I feel like I blew it. It's been 3 weeks, I feel like he is so done. Is it too late for no contact now?
You could apply no contact now, but perhaps do it for 2 weeks before trying to initiate contact with him, especially if you're worried of him getting together with someone else. However, if you're able to do so, then complete NC for 4 weeks and spend this time focusing on yourself.
i broke up with my bf about 11 days ago and currently doing no contact. however, i was unwell recently and he was helping me to get home from uni. we also have some classes together and he did texted me a couple of time during nc. the last contact i did was when he asked me how was i feeling after he sent me back. i only replied 'im okay and thanks for helping me,' and then i never replied any of his messages after that. after that we saw each other the next day and he started talking to me. i did my best to keep minimum contact while trying to not appear cold. i dont know what to do. this is harder than i thought. i miss him terribly but i also realised that we need space, well at least i do. i kind of disliked the fact that he is treating me as if i am a friend. i realised i cant be just friends with him, hence why i hope by doing nc and following these advises would help me get him back.
we were in an on and off relationship for 2 years+. we are now 20 years old and we have been together since we were 18. all the times we broke up, it was his decision and all the time he was the one asking us to get back together. we broke up because he believe we have no future together due to different religious beliefs, and he also said that a small factor that pushed him to wanting the break up was to experience how his life would be without me. he felt like he would lose his 'youth and college life' if he stayed in the relationship without exploring the experience of being single.
he did said that he doesnt know whats going to happen in the future and we may cross path again, although he thinks that we should not get back together again. i personally want him although i know i dont need him. i want him cause although he thinks we have no future, i realised that we both grew to be a better version of each other when we were together. we learned a lot together and we were compatible except for the fact that his parents would never approve his relationship with me due to the difference in religion.
what should i do? am i doing the right thing? please help me
It seems that he is experiencing a common effect many couples go through in slightly longer relationships, where he starts to think that the grass is greener on the other side and wants to see it for himself. Under these circumstances, there really isn't a right or wrong thing you can do, but more of where your heart lies. If you really want him back, you'll have to show him that the grass is better with you than elsewhere. If the relationship was a meaningful one as you said, when you begin no contact and work on improving yourself as intended during NC, he may start to realize that.
thank you for your response Ryan. i really appreciate it. yesterday he texted me again asking about how am i feeling and i didnt reply at all. a few hours later, he texted me asking 'what happened to not avoiding?'. i guess he started wondering why didnt i reply back to him when he reached out to me. when i saw that message i was feeling a little guilty cause i never want to ignore him but i am currently doing nc, so i would naturally/unconsciously ignore him somewhat. i then asked my friend to helped me, which she was more than happy to do so, to indirectly talk to him on my behalf that i need time and space from everything that has been going on since i have other things that has been burdening me emotionally on top of the break up.
he then replied to my friend saying that he is worried about me since he is aware that im going through a hard time and the fact that i am not replying to him made him even more worried. he told my friend to let him know if i am unwell/ or not feeling okay physically or emotionally, or if i ever need his help. he was telling my friend that it meant a lot to him that my friend was willing to tell him about me.
i personally feel like he is treating me like a friend. and i understand that he felt weird that i am not replying to him since before we broke up, he told me each to give space but try to not ignore one another, cause he believe that we are still good friends of one another and we shall not let the break up ruin our friendship. i personally do not really like the fact that he is treating me as a friend cause i cant be just friends with him.
was it wise for me to ask for my friend's help to talk to him indirectly? will it ruin the concept of no contact? will this make him wonder whether the break up was a good or a bad idea? what should i do next?
thanks in advance :)
No it wouldn't ruin anything. When you're on NC, you can still reply him if necessary but keep the conversation short, and let him know that you're working on yourself. The fact that he's concerned shows that he still cares for you, which is a good sign as opposed to being cold towards you. It's just that he may not share feelings of passion towards you right now, like a lover would. You should continue with NC for the time being and focus on yourself. If he contacts again, you could always choose to reply if you want to, but as mentioned earlier, keep the exchange short.
thank you for your reply Ryan. it means a lot to me. i have a question regarding whats happening recently between my ex and i. this is going to be quite a long post, i apologise in advance if i am troubling you with my problem.
My ex and i are in the same classes for uni. On Monday, i went to see his friend who stayed in the same accommodation to return his shirt for me since he wasnt in the morning class. Few hours after, i was heading to my afternoon class and i was waiting for the lecture hall to be open. I recently had my blood taken for a general check up and sprained my wrist as i fell due to the slippery stormy weather. I guessed he saw my bandaged wrist and came up to me to asked what happened. As i cant runaway, i hesitated at first but i eventually told him what happened. i told him about it although i was a little panicky at that time since i wasnt expecting him to approach me after the 'no reply messages' incident. I just said 'i fell,'. And the he asked how i did fall. I just said it was slippery and i fell. Then he saw my bruised injection scar and asked me was it because they took my blood and i said yes. He started chuckling cause he knew im scared of needles and said how did it go? I just answered with 'i fainted'. then he was like because of the needles or anemia? And i answered 'both'.
When i was in the middle of telling him, my class was opened and people rushed into it and i cant help that i have to get into the class with him. After im done answering, he was next to me still then started asking where am i gonna sit. I said idk because the class was starting to be filled by students and there were not many empty seats. He then said lets just sit here and we ended up sitting together.
I was trying to create a space between us, i asked him dont you have anyone thats gonna sit next to you, like a friend you just met or something. Then he said, do i looked like i have a friend from this course? So i just answered him and said, 'i dont know, maybe you do'. Then after that we sat and he tried to make jokes and all. I responded only when he initiated any conversation, but never really asked him anything. I only asked him a question that's uni related. Then he asked if i can move my wrist around and all but i just said, 'i cant, it hurts when i try to move it'.
He then started to google on his laptop about how to reduce the pain and swelling of sprained wrist. He typed 'sprained wrist :(' on the search bar.
After googling, he gave me painkillers (idk why he has them). Throughout class, he was looking at me, stealing a few glances while i kept my head straight ahead. I realised before my lecture ends that i didnt know where my next class was and he saw that i was trying to locate the building. He then started showing me where to go and all. After class was done, we walked out and i was about to leave to my next class. He then said 'why are you going to your class so early? Besides you dont know where it is.' I just looked at him and kept quiet.
Then he asked me if i have eaten or not. I took about 5 seconds before answering an unconvincing 'yes'. Then he was like, 'im gonna grab some food since i havent eaten at all, do you want to come with me? That is if you dont mind,'. I hesitate again before saying, 'what am i gonna do there? Im not gonna eat either way. And i have class,'. He then said i can just sit with him and i dont have to eat.
I knew i was supposed to say no to that. And i knew that i shouldve just left. But stupid me was too happy that he asked me that and i eventually went with him to accompany him to eat. i know that i had to asked him some more questions about school work as well although i shouldve just say no to him and left but i couldnt.
After he got his food, he asked about the morning class that he missed. He asked if the lecturer said anything important. I just told him there's nothing much as it was all in the lecture slides. He told me he was late and he didnt know who else to ask since i never reply to him. Impulsively, i apologised and i told him that i need space away from all of the things that has been happening. And i told him that 'i did that too to everyone,' and idk why did i say that and i felt so goddamn stupid for that.
Then after a while asked me, 'hows life?'. And i didnt know what to answer. Then i answered with, 'its just like that', and to avoid him asking more, i asked him how about you, hows life, and he return my words; he also replied with, 'its just like that,'
To avoid him asking me about how i am doing since he asked me that 2 times already, i just asked him about his new place. he decided to move into a student accommodation before our break up as he thinks that he could experience the most of student life by being in one. i think that it could be one of his way to achieve that 'college life' that he always wonder about. He said his new place is good and all. He also said i can come and see it before he realised that i have seen it already before, whne we inspected the place before we broke up. But he said i can still come if i want to. Then after he finished eating, i started to leave for my class and surprisingly, he wanted to send me to my class. I told him that he doesnt have to but he said he didnt mind and he wants to.
Then i just looked down. Cause idk what im feeling. I was happy but i was sad as well. I miss him and was happy to see him talking to me but i also want some space so he can miss me more and wonder about me more. He looked at me and i could see him from my side that he was doing it. I told him to just look straight and not look at me. He then said if i cant then i wont look at you.
Then after a couple of moment, i was sighing and he heard it. He asked me whats wrong and i said to him without me realising that i was saying outloud that i just simply dont know how to face him. He then asked, 'why would you feel like that? Its not like you did something that makes you guilty towards me or anything that makes you dont know how to face me. I mean idk, you may slept with someone after we broke up but if you dont then you shouldnt feel that way,'. Then i boldly asked him, 'what if i did then?' He paused for a while before asking me to repeat myself. And i did. I asked him 'what if i did?' He then just replied with, 'well if that really happened then i guess i would just spend another night drinking another glass of vodka and sleep it off,'.
I shrugged it off, and say, 'sure,' sarcastically before he answered, 'i really did that, dont you know im a drunkard now?' We both fell silent before i joked it off and said, 'nah, those vodka may be there to serenade girls,' then he replied almost instantly saying that the only thing that he would serenade is his right hand.
Then we reached my class and i said to myself i didnt want to go to class anymore since it looked like another strom was coming and he heard it. He told me to just tell my tutor that im feeling unwell and skipped class. But i said no and i told him i should go. Then he asked me what time will i be going to our class tomorrow. I just said earlt cause i have things to do then he was 'like how early? Morning or noon?' I just said 'dont know maybe noon idk yet,'. He then just said 'oh okay, i was just wondering since our class is at 3 and it'll be too long of a break if you come too early to uni and all,'.
I just smiled and then he said that he will see me tomorrow and that he has been a good boy as he hasnt skipped class yet. I once again said 'sure' sarcastically since he just missed him class this morning before he smiled and said stop judging him and all. Then i bid him goodbye and he left to go home.
One thing i realised is that he still called me by the name that he use to call when we were still together.
Today, i met him on the bus on the way to uni and he once again asked me about my wrist. And i replied with 'its just like that,'. Then he asked which shirt was the one that i return and i answered that it was one of his long sleeved shirt. After that, i continued walking before he asked me some questions about my appointment with my lecturer and I replied with, 'no she cancelled it,' and then i kept quiet. Mainly, i kept quiet because i felt a little awkward since he is treating me nicely. but i cant tell if its because he thinks of me like a friend or because he genuinely still care for me like how he was when we were together back then. and i dont really like it because it makes me confused. I want him back and i dont want to be treated like a friend, he is being really nice and almost as caring as before but its confusing me a little.
As i reached class and before i enter the room, he was next to me and asked if it was the right classroom. I just said 'im not sure,' and opened the door before choosing a seat. He looked at me, looked around the room before going to an empty seat far from me and said 'bye,'. I just smiled and then thats all.
What should i do now? Does this mean that he is treating/only seeing me as a friend? Do i have any chance to ever get back with him again or should I just give up? Will continuing NC would give me better chance in getting him back?
please please please help me.
if you are wondering about the date, days or time i am referring in my post, I am in Australia so the time would be a little different from where you are.
It seems that he's showing you care and concern still, that is seemingly beyond what a friend would do. However, this is something you would know better than me since he's your ex and you know what he's like as a person. Continuing with NC may be good as it keeps a level of mystery which may keep him intrigued, but it may also end up backfiring in your case if he thinks you're being cold and decides to respect your decision and limit contact with you. Like I've mentioned, you would know best how he's like as a person, use that knowledge and make your decision on whether you think he's simply being friendly or may be showing something more.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for all the helpful advice on here. My ex broke up with me after a 3 year relationship about a month ago. I have followed all of your advice and didn't bother her after the breakup and told her I support her and want the best for her. 2 weeks after the breakup she came over and spent the night at my place and seemed surprised and confused by how nicely I had set it up. She pretty much told me she left because I had been weak and was leaning on her too hard. I reminded her that this breakup process was changing me into a much stronger person. Afterwards we continued no contact. I'm currently in the no contact/self improvement phase. My question to you is regarding how much time to spend here before I begin reaching out to her via text. I think more time, maybe another month is good because like you say it gives her time to have less negative feelings about me. I think the longer I wait the more likely the communication will seem sincere rather than just an effort to get back together. So overall I'm thinking 2 months after she initially broke up with me might be around the correct time to engage her again. Let me know what you think
That's great to hear. Yes you're right, you definitely want to give her time to let go of the negative emotions she may hold on to regarding the breakup/relationship, as well as allow her to see the changes you've made to yourself more clearly during re-contact. Depending on how ugly the breakup was and context of it, the time frame for NC would differ accordingly. Supposing it wasn't too messy considering that she spent the night 2 weeks after the break up, I think slightly over a month from when you started would be a better time frame.
hi , my gf and i spoke last of last Friday after 3 weeks and half not seeing each other and she wanted to talk and she was telling she loves me but she want us to break up bkoz she tried to fix things so many times and i never listen to her and she is tired and she thinks that we lost each other and i did tell her that i do not want to lose her and promised that i was going to change.
she said she was going to think again about her decision ... on valentine i had a gift for her that i bought since December and i paid for uber delivery to her work place and after she texted me saying that i did have to but thanks for the gift and when she got home she sent another text saying its beautiful and she loves it. and i tried to speak often and she said that we are not supposed to chat all the time because it doesn't help her or me so i stopped texting her since the 14 th of feb and she texted on sunday that she will let me know during this week when we will meet to talk but the tricky part is that my birthday is tomorrow and i am watching ...if she doesn't show up or meet me does it means its over or there is still hope?
i love her and ready to change not for her but to fix myself first and have a happily relationship with her.
You could use the point on whether she wishes you as a gauge on how she feels towards you, but I suggest not letting it get you down even if she doesn't. Simply focus on changing yourself in the meantime, since it's for you (first and foremost), and continue with no contact to give her the space she needs.
Hi.. I met up with my Ex after no contact, it went really well! I left it a couple of days before speaking to her again.. I can tell she was a little bit cold as her response time was a lot longer than usual and the reply was pretty weak. I responded but ended the convo, saying i was busy with work. Just wondering what you recommend I say next? I know in your email service you talk about giving her some space, should I follow that approach? any other tips would be much appreciated, thanks.
Yes, if she responds coldly, it could either mean that something reminded her of the past, and negative feelings towards you formed again, or that she's distracted with something else at that point. Either way, by pushing for replies, you would come across as needy or pushy, which may cause her to further raise her guard against you.
I don’t want to push for replies I just messaged her on Sunday night, mainly to ask if she had a good weekend but she didn’t respond till this morning. So I ended the convo straight away. I’ve seen these traits before. I know it’ll be an emotional past memory. Would you recommend that I message her calmly saying I’m going to give her space or just leave her alone for a bit? I feel if I don’t address the issue it’ll lead towards the friend zone path, and I don’t want that to happen.
Yes you could send her that. At least if it isn't the case, she would reply you saying that she doesn't need the 'space or be left alone'.
My girlfriend and I were together for 3 months, and the relationship was great. We had a very deep connection with each other. We had to break up because of some personal issues she was having. The personal issues caused her to become completely void of all emotions.
We tried to be friends right after the breakup, but it was too much for both of us. Mostly due to us not giving each other a little bit of space after the breakup. We decided to go our separate ways, so she can work on getting herself better.
I would like for us to get back together eventually, but first I want us to start talking again. I’m struggling with how long to do the no contact thing. I don’t want her to think I’m being needy, or that I have any ulterior motives.
The best would be to apply no contact for at least 30 days. You can refer to this article for more details regarding No Contact.
Hi Kevin.my exbf and i had a long distance cross culture relationship.we met in India when we both traveled there.then we went back to our countries,becoming gf and bf.we met in the third country or my country every two months averagely.most time he crossed 9000kms to see me.but we quarreled a lot .after being together For one and half year,he broke up with me.he started seeing another girl only 3days after.i know he still loved me,he just doesnt know what to do as i hurt him a lot when we were together.would you please tell me how to implement this plan especially step 3 and 4,as we Are so far away from each other now? Thank you very much.Best regards. Jin
You can implement step 3 through the use of social media, by posting pictures of the changes you've made to yourself. Step 4 can be implemented by simply dropping him a message or email after NC is done.
hi kevin.After he broke up with me.he started to talk to a lot girls,one of the girl invited him to meet her in Portual.so he went to meet her.he told me he just want to sleep with someone,as i am the only person he has slept with,and i didnt fulfill his sexual fantasy when we were together.but we do have a lot othrr problems that i hurt him a lot.Today is the fifth day he has been there.when he was there i called him .we had few conversation,sometimes very good,sometimes end badly,but he said he loved me,he missed me,as the girl he is meeting is quite conservative and i showed some changes about sex problems to him.he was quite satisfied ,complaining about i should do this one year ago.i also said i gonna say yes to everything if he comes back,he said it was tempting.but he just got hurt too badly and doesnt believe me that i gonna change permanently.i read ur article on the third day,then i stopped contacting him since then.in the last two days,he didnt contact me,so i know nothing about what was going on.i know i need to stay calm.He is going back to his country tomorrow, in this case,should i shorten NC?He gonna have a holiday at the end of march,i am afraid if they goes well,he might go to her country to meet her,he might book the tickets already.is there anything else i could do about him in this case? thank you very much! Jin
As you've said, keep calm. I understand your fears but right now because you've broken up, there's nothing you can do about his actions and intentions, and you should focus on not letting it get to you, because it may ruin your chances if you do. You could shorten NC by a bit, to ask him where he's headed to, but you should not try to pressure him against going (especially if it's to where the girl lives), or he might get frustrated and ignore you instead.
Hi, what does it mean if your ex visits your page on badoo (date app) and unblocks you on facebook? we broke up 2 weeks ago, he visited my page on badoo 2 days after break up, and for maybe 3 days ago he unblocked me on facebook, but is still blocking me on instagram and snapchat!
Wer'e both 22 years old, we broke up because we had to, and i think this is just good for us because we (more from his side) broke up with eachother quite often these last months, but we got back to eachother every time since 'i like you more than anyone else, that's why i keep coming back' we had some issues with understanding eachother while fighting, but now when we broke up i can see both my part and his part of it all, and i'm working on myself right now. Our love was something i've never experienced before, and he said the same week we broke up, that he really believes that i'm 'the one' for him, in the relationship and even after, he told me he never felt this way before for anyone else, and he believes we got a chance later on if we let it all go and blablabla. We've been back and forth for almost 2 years and last year we broke up with each other from february- july.
What do you guys think? i'm so insecure right now, all i want is being with him but i know for boths best we can't right now.
He may have unblocked you because there was something he wanted to see you on your Facebook profile, hence. As to the relationship itself, since the breakup was relatively recent, I suggest giving it more time before you initiate contact with him again. In the meantime, focus on solving those issues you mentioned seeing after the breakup to better yourself.
Hi Ryan, he blocked me on facebook again.. what do you think that means? yes i will wait atleast 1 month until taking any contact with him, i'm fully working on being the best version of myself right now, both with gym and taking good pics haha.. yes i'm working on my issues, it's hard, but hey! i want to fix them. Do you think we have a chance later on?
The fact that he blocked you again could simply mean that he still isn't ready to let go of the negative emotions and probably requires more time. There's definitely a chance as long as you make changes, but it also depends on when he may be ready again to face you. Keep distracted for now by focusing on yourself, and give it more time.
Hi Ryan, it’s soon a month ago we broke up, and the last couple of month he broke up with me many times, due to the fights we had, and things i gave a promise about to change in fights (which i told him to i would change after every time he broke up with me but never did) so this time he broke up with me, he was very tired of repeated situations, should i really write to him next week? don’t you think maybe he needs more time? Or should i wait until he takes any signs of contact to me? :/
As mentioned, you should try to give him more time since he has not unblocked you anywhere else yet. Since he was upset that you promised to change each time during the fights but never got around to it, perhaps it's something you should look at in the meantime.
Hi again, he actually wrote to me on Facebook 2hrs after my comment here, and added me on Snapchat, he snapchatted me without a response from me! He sent me a picture on Facebook and Said it still hurts looking at that, and just asked me how i feel and so on, i played it cool and answered him like a friend! I know i shouldn’t write back to him, but he’s really sensitive so i thought why not.. but what should i do now? i was the one who put an end to the conversation!
It's fine, since by not replying you may cause him to react in a negative manner. Continue with NC in the meantime, and if he does not contact you further, wait until the end of NC to initiate contact once again.
We were always in a distance relationship but not to far and in the same time zone so we could see each other often. Last December I decided to go abroad so I broke up with him. He didn’t want to break up and in the end we didn’t have a conclusion. He was sad when I left and we still kept in touch after I left. Then I complained a bit why he didn’t message me for a few days and we kinda had a fight. But he said he will be happy to message me often if that makes me happy and said I will be always in his heart. For some reason I came back after only 2 weeks and I wanted to meet him. He also said he hoped that he can see me even though he has been busy. I felt that he has been distant and I was so insecure. So I said I felt it’s gone between us. He said we kinda have to let it die because distance relationship like that is hard to sustain. We stopped talking for a week and then I contacted him again. He suddenly wanted to break up with me. I didn’t want to break up and asked him to meet me. He thought of meeting me again but didn’t reply my message..... So I sent him long text about not writing us off and we will be happy seeing each other.... He said he had kinda already set his mind on my leaving and asked me not to think about us and try to be happy. And then He stopped replying 2 weeks ago... We were always happy when we were together. I don’t know why he suddenly has changed a lot. Can I still get him back? Has he already moved on? I just think that we were always so happy together and we didn’t have any major problems. But he said he always wants to run away when relationship gets complicated.. Is there any chance that we can get back?
Sometimes the distance doesn't actually make the heart grow fonder like everyone thinks, but rather the opposite and causes a person to feel more distant or even lose feelings. Some people need physical contact to maintain their feelings towards one another, and your ex may have been the case, which resulted in him making his mind about leaving. You would best know if he still has any feelings for you or not, based on how the relationship was in the past before things went bad. It could also be the possibility that because of the distance, he's running away from the relationship now because it feels too complicated. I would suggest sending one more message to ask what made him decide to walk away, and from there you can decide if you still want to try and win him back, or to be fair to yourself and walk away.
Hey Kevin.
So my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago and his reason was that he’s a workaholic. And due to work he can’t give me time. (Even though I’m understanding) but he was like what if down the line if it irritates you that I’m not able to give time and stuff. He’s basically over thinking a lot. I tried to explain him but nothing worked. So anyway I decided to do the no contact thing but the thing is that he works at the same gym that I go to. So he did try to talk to me but then I told him that I don’t want to talk to him at all. When I broke up I did blast on him saying that how you give up and blah blah. But anyway I need your help now. He really wants to be a friend and act all normal but I’m ignoring him. Tell me what to do? And I know for a fact that he still is madly in love with me
Perhaps you have to understand his reason for wanting to end things, and what triggered him to overthink to such an extent. If you don't feel ready to be friends yet, I would suggest applying No Contact first in the mean time to give yourself some space to work on yourself, before trying again down the road.
I broke up with my gf 4 month ago on some misunderstanding .i text her again and again to tell her that was not me that's was my first mistake.I saw her daily in uni with her friends daily and can't control my emotion and feelings because now we don't even look each other she ignore me all time.Her friends dislike me i don't know why but they did all to saying her aly is not good blah blah blah........i try to close them but that's does't work.3 days ago ask her to talk but she said i don't want to talk u and went.i want to get her back.4 months already wasted by me what should i do know?i do noting on valentine's day.Her birthday is on 21 feb should i wished her r not?
I read your's article.I don't know where to start?
It depends on how long the relationship was, and whether it was a meaningful one. If it's been 4 months and she still is treating you negatively, you'll either need to give her more space to let go of her negative feelings towards you or consider walking away because it may not be worth it to hold on since you don't know when she will forgive you.
Thanks
she has a boy (friend) or love her don't know but seem to be happy with her.i still in love with her.Time which spend with me now she spend with him.I saw both of them daily in university and can't control my feelings memories i want t move on but can't....what should i do???
Hi, so me and my boyfriend broke up 2 days back after dating for 1 year and 3 months. The reason for break up was he was stressed about his life (work and everything) and he moved to Australia where he is all by himself. Sometimes i was very needy and needed his attention while he was busy with so much stuff. I hope you understand what am trying to say. So, then he wanted to break up because i was causing so much stress and we would argue over those stuff. And he said 'that we don't suit each other so we should move on with our lives and even if we try to change we cant' but, we didn't care about those before he moved to AUS because we learnt to adjust to the way each other is and we were fine regardless of the little fights we had. I was needy and begged him to come back to me like you mentioned on your post and he refused. We honestly had a strong deep emotional connection and he loved me so much thats why i'm willing to get back with him if he gives me a second chance. I want to start fresh. Any advice on what i should do? Please
You should give him some space for now to avoid creating further negative emotions from forming. He thinks you're incapable of change now, and probably would not believe you even if you promised to change if he were to give things a second chance. Your best bet is to actually make those changes need first, then contact him again as an improved person in his eyes.
My girlfriend break up with me before two weeks, i spent first 5 days crying and bigging then found your website and now i am applying no contact rule and every single tips you said .. after 5 days of NO CONTACT RULE and till this moment about 10 days she keeps calling me and i do not replay
What should i do ?
I am asking you because this situation is different, he old boyfriend was always trying to contact her trying her to come back and i was always make problems with her cuz she replaies and write to him now my fears is that she could back to him permanently if i did not answer her calls ? What do you think please
Help .. let me you know that i am 25 and we have been together for about 1 year and she is my first girlfriend ever .. so losing her was so much painful
Thank you
If you're genuinely worried about her getting back together with her ex, then you could reply to her message or call but keep things short and to the point. You can even let her know that you're working on improving yourself now and try not to let things go back to square one or your efforts would be wasted.
Hi,my situation is kind of very complicated, my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years, at the beginning of last year, he started acting very difrently i didn't understand why, i tried to ask him and he said he was just tired of relationships, i told him that we should break up then but he refused and said he dint want me going far away from him, to cut the long story short, he wasn't talking to me then i started seeing him with this certain lady oftenly,when i cpnfronted him, he told me she's her friend. He started posting pictures of he and her everywhere and he still insisted that she is his friend , we still met up like usual but we were not talking much, recently,i find out that the supposedly "friend" of his is actually his girlfriend, they live together and even worse, she is expecting his child, so i confronted him about it and it is all true though he dint want to admit it, so we like broke up though he still dint want it and is still insisting i be his friend. i just don't know what to do i feel so hurt because i still love him but i just dont know if he'l ever be with me again. pliz help.. Thanks
If that person is his girlfriend and is expecting his child, I'm sorry to say but there isn't much you can do at this point but walk away before things get too ugly. In this scenario, even though he lied to you, you'll still be seen as the bad person if you try to do anything to win him back.
I recently got back with my ex and I've done a few of your steps but not in the right order. I just read your article and I feel I might have made a huge mistake. My ex and I broke up and he did try and move on and I was just starting to accept the break up and move on myself. Here is where the tricky part comes in. My ex and his rebound had sex and he still wanted to remain her friend even tho they dated for a week. He left her because he saw me in his ex. All good things. I had talked to him for about a week and went to spend the weekend with him to see how it went and we decided to get back together. Now I messaged his rebound because he was always hanging out with her but only as friends... And I tried to make things civil with her and tell her how I felt which I don't hate her I just was jealous that she lived near him and I lived two hours away. Now me and her worked everything out and are ok but he is mad and has threatened that I haven't change. She is a good friend and my intentions were only to keep her in his life without it effecting me or making me jealous. Did I make a terrible mistake? Have I lost him forever? He hasn't broken up with me but he asked me to leave him alone and I have given him his space. He had many qualities about him I adore and goals that I feel make him a great person to be with. If we do break up I know I'll be hurt but I won't be devastated as bad as before. I feel like that feeling is wrong and I'm not sure how to cope with that. Does that mean I'm not attracted to him? I know my life will go on without him but he is still bringing up the past and I'm ready to move on. He said I was different when we were together and I could tell he still loves me more now than back then and I've accepted my faults of the past relationship... No matter what I do he still believes I'm the same. Is there a way to show I'm different or will he have to realize that on his own?
Although you had the best intentions, your approach of contacting that ex of his probably came across as a breach of his personal space and offended him. I don't think you've lost him forever (as long as that ex does not have ill intentions and makes matters worse), and you'll have to apologize and acknowledge that you overstepped your boundaries but explain to him that you meant no harm and just wanted what was best for him.
With the ex staying in his life.... Should I allow that if they were friends before and she was only his rebound? He has hung out with her every night since we got back together and his family and friends all know I'm his girlfriend but I don't think they should be hanging out every day all night and him not text me much while they are together. I don't know how to tell him how I feel without making it seem like I'm controlling him. Them being friends is ok in my life but you broke up with your rebound because you wanted me... We fix things and get back together but he talks to her more than he does me and I'm the girlfriend... I trust him around other women but I feel like it's too soon after the breakup to be spending every night hanging out with your rebound... What can I say to help him see how I feel without seeming controlling or am I just being overly complicated about the friendship?
Hey gurlie but the rebound gurl is not just his friend but it’s an ex. Once you cross that line then i be careful about the whole thing to be honest. If you say to much your come off controling and pushy about it. If you talk to the gurl you come off like a sycho lol. I would just have my own life out side of the relationship and look like the better option. If he going to hang out with her all the time, I would get some guy friends and start hanging out with them. Go out with your gurlies dancing on the weekends. Keep goals like school or your job proiorty and act like you have sometime for him but he’s not going to be what makes you happy. He would just add happiness to your already incredible life. Also work out and look good gurlie 😊. This should show him that your a strong 💪 independ person who has a lot to offer. Shine gurlie live the best life for yourself.
You should be honest with how you feel in this case. If he did break up with the rebound to work things out with you, it's a little unreasonable to be meeting her every night still, and to not assure you or reply whenever he is with her. That kind of defeats the purpose of reconciliation with you, and seems highly suspicious.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I technically broke up last August (I broke up with him because I was starting grad school and couldn't handle our constant fighting and not feeling valued, little did I know a lot of his behavior stemmed from his depression and not lack of love) He and I started talking again last October and he was really into it, even dropped a hint that he still loved me. We both had expectations of a relationship but I was really afraid of repeating past mistakes and anytime we got close to being anything serious again, I pushed him away. Anytime that happened, I would freak out because he would put up a wall. I just continued to confuse him through my actions but my feelings (and his) were genuine. I realized that I needed to be honest with him only too late. I had pushed him away too much and he couldn't handle the back and forth. He stopped talking to me, blocked my number even, for a month. I begged him to reach out, told him I loved him and wanted to either fix it or let it go but he couldn't just ghost me the way he had. At the end of it all, he gave me back my things last week but even admitted to me that we both messed up and that it was never lack of love, but lack of communication. He cried and said he would miss me (and had for the month we hadn't spoken) but was resolute in his decision. He said there was a difference between loving someone and caring for them but wanting to remove himself from the cycle. He said he would unblock me and that we could maybe hang out sometime and maybe be friends one day.
Today is his birthday. Should I still wish him a happy birthday? I still want him back so badly. We planned a future together. He thought that I wanted to mess around while he wanted to settle down and that's why it wasn't working but I only gave off that impression because I was afraid. I genuinely love him and believe we have a beautiful connection. I also just went through the box of things he gave me back and realized he still has some of my items. What should I do?
thanks!
If he is currently going through a mixture of emotions and has many negative thoughts, you might want to consider no contact as it might be better to give him some space to let go of them before you think of trying anything again. Since it is his birthday, you could always drop him a casual message to wish him, but try not to continue on with it too much after because it still seems too soon.
Thank you for your response Ryan, I really appreciate it! What are your thoughts on his still having some of my items? It could be a mistake, he probably doesn't realize it but part of me wonders why hold on to my things for the month he wasn't speaking to me? Why not just end it? (When I asked him he said he didn't know) He must have put all of my belongings in the same place and if that's the case why not give it all to me? I know he's very busy right now with work and projects he's working on which could go to his not giving me those items as a mistake. Do you still think there's a chance for us here? Do you think there's still love there? He said he still cares (even though he made the comment I said in my earlier post about the difference between love and caring but wanting to remove himself from the cycle). He and I were involved for what would be three years in March (that's including two breaks: one for 2 months because he was in therapy but we were still in constant contact and acting like a couple and the other from when we broke up in August of last year).
Thank you again for your input! Your advice is most appreciated!
Also: I'm not sure if this helps, but during the conversation when he gave me back my things, we had two moments where it was like we were ourselves again. He was smiling, even let a laugh escape his lips at something I did. I saw the person I fell in love with even if only for a moment and then he went right back to his decision of it not working "right now". Is that any indication of something? Or just wishful thinking? Thanks again!
Hi! My boyfriend for 4.5 years (whom I lived for 3 of them) suddenly broke up with me 5 weeks ago. In december we bid on a house together, and we spent christmas together with his family, and everything seemed fine. He was depressed this autumn, and he seemed to be getting worse again. This time around he blamed it on our relationship, and that it didn't feel the same anymore. He hadn't given me any reason to believe this, as he was as affectionat as always just days before. Now he wants to sell our apartment. We have only had contact a few times regarding that for 4 weeks, but tomorrow we are meeting up there to discuss the sale. I did not want this to happen, and I did NOT see it coming. He seems sad about the breakup, but I'm not shure if he would come back to me right now. I hope with all my heart that he will. I love him, and want it to be us forever. We have planned our life together openly for years, and I really, truly believe that we would have been good together.
You might want to try and figure him out, and whether there was an underlying reason for the break up and if it's something that can be fixed. Purely based on what you're saying, one possible reason for the break up was because things were progressing so seriously (the house), it started to scare/stress him so much so that he got cold feet and broke up with you. There may be other possible reasons, in which you may be best suited to figure out.
Thanks for the answer. He is not scared of the serious stuff. We have already owned an apartment for almost 3 years. I think I may have been a bit negative lately, and pushed him a bit because of his depression. We have worked so well for so long, so this is so unexpected. He didn't seem as if he himself understood what was happening, only that it didn't feel the same anymore...
In that case, it might be better to spend some time to work on your negativity, and find out how to deal with it. If his depression is very serious, you might also want to advice him to seek professional help to assist him with coping.
I have given him the number of some professionals. I don't know if he'll go... I am trying to be as positive as possible when in contact. Meeting him tonight. I have thought a lot about what I can do to be a better person around him too. I hope he will be wanting me back in time... I know we will work if we get the chanche to work on it together.
There's definitely a chance still, but provided he decides to help himself and let you back into his life. Continue to be strong for yourself, and to be as positive as you can. However, keep in mind that this is NOT your responsibility at the end of the day, and if things become too draining, there is no obligation to drag on and continue trying to exhaust yourself further.
I am all about getting back together but in this case I would really think about moving on... if it were me because what if you guys did get back together and he does this again to you. I just think 🤔 going through something like this has to be horrible and I wouldn’t dewl I just get someone more stable gurlie. Sorry 😐 that your going through this at the moment.
Hi Ryan,
My boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We have only dated for 6 months but hung out for a year or so before we start to date. It was not a smooth sail to begin with. We are very compatible when we were just friends. However, ever since we started dating, we always get into these small frustrations with each other. We never had any heated arguments but we would always talk about problems, logically. Towards the end, he was really stressed from work and his family and he wanted to go on a break after I threw a tantrum. After a week, he asked to meet up and broke up with me. I didn't contact him for awhile but lately we started to talking again but I can feel that he distanced himself. I want to give it a second try because I feel that either of us was trying hard enough. However, my friends are telling me to just move on, he is not the right guy for me. I am not sure what to do, any advice?
Whether he is the right one for you is something only you can decide for yourself. But you have to be aware that relationships are very different from friendships especially when it comes to expectations and patience. If you want to win your ex back, you'll have to work on that aspect about yourself first, and give him some time to deal with the negative emotions from the break up before considering anything.
I'm 50. I feel I need a serious support from you. We're having a wonderful relationship my girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex whenever possible. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got her family with kids. But due to some doubts on me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back to normal life. She is working in my company. I brought her to my company only after we started of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully. We are able to spend a lot of time together.
First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to make her sad, for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That became so serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. But so suspicious on every relationship even with my relatives. It happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get her back but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. She is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.
I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. In last December 17 one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, I managed to get her back as my employee in my company, on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. She is not happy if i care her more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.
But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.
She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting everyday at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.
I did a lot of mistakes before coming to your site like begging, pleading, apologizing, promising on future and bad things possible as you pointed out. Now i started the no contact as you suggested. But that can be limited as we are are meeting everyday in office and a lot of official communications. Please reply. Is your EBP advanced will work on this scenario? please reply on how to proceed.
Should I be posting on social media during no contact
Yes you should. No contact with your ex doesn't mean no contact with the outside world.
So my girlfriend broke up with me on Christmas night. Things had been building for awhile. We were together 5
And a half yrs. It wasn't a pretty breakup. She recently asked me to stop contacting her because just a couple days before I had asked her if she was seeing someone new and she said "yes..im seeing someone but not while we were together. I was always 100 percent faithful to you. Hope this helps you move on." Prior to this I had over emailed her, texted and called twice
. It's been about a month and two weeks since the breakup and guessing it's a rebound. Two days later I sent her a long email telling her how I feel about her and she sent me an email saying"please stop contacting me. You promised you wouldn't text or email me me if I said I was seeing someone else. You haven't kept your promise at all. Please keep your word (and dignity) and let me go." I sent her a text the next day..."You are right. I give you my word to not contact you again, I promise. I've been wrong and am sorry."
She had told me prior to all this the last day I saw her when I was getting my stuff from the house that she feels like she is "losing me " and said "I don't like the thought of you being with someone else either." Reciprocated from what I told her but that "we just can't allow ourselves to dwell on it". So I'm in that last text I sent her I have officially promised not to contact her again so I will have to do the no contact permanently I'm guessing? I think it will only make her angry if I do. The breakup involved some shouting and I know it was caused from drinking which I've given up since. Her dad was an alcoholic. None of that would have happened had I not made a sarcastic comment after my friend went home and had I not lost control the way I did, i probably could've made up with her after she told me she was breaking up with me had I'd kissed her and apologized instead of throwing things in the kitchen and grabbing a kitchen knife and locking myself in the bathroom, in which case she called the cops and the rest is complicated. She took my door key and her dad came over when I got out of the hospital and told me she was upset and didn't want to see me right now. I went my dad's and later I had to meet up with her to have my name removed from the lease. She insisted we move on. I know she loved me and we had a valuable relationship but we had a lot of arguments that were caused from the drinking something she even mentioned later was one of the main reasons we had so many problems. So now I'm left with my promise to her of not contacting her again. Short of not contacting her, she doesn't use Facebook ever so there's nothing more I can do exceptif she makescontact with me at some point. Your thoughts?
Follow through with no contact, pick yourself up from the break up, and work on your anger and alcohol issues to create a better version of yourself. Since she is dating someone else, there isn't much you can do but to give her space and ensure that you are in a better place if the opportunity should ever present itself in the future.
Hi EBP team! I really appreciate your effort.
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she got tired of our (not so frequent) ups and downs. She was hurting bad afterwards and even admitted to missing me a lot but remained adamant to her decision, kept herself distracted and now she's getting better by the day. I sticked to no contact for a month (which helped me a great deal) and yesterday I sent her a memory text. She replied positively and we chatted about random stuff for a bit before I ended the conversation. I know her enough to know that she hasn't changed her mind and it's normal for her to be friendly since we had a civilized breakup. How slow should I take this? Should I wait a couple days and message her again or should I ask her out for a coffee and just be friendly and cool? Right now I feel there's a chance and I don't want to ruin it by acting too fast or waiting too long.
Observe how the exchange in texts go, and don't jump the gun on asking her out for coffee because it may raise her defenses if it comes across as forced.
I broke up with my long distance Boyfriend yesterday.i am feeling so hurt and i can die without him.Our relationship had so many ups and downs but we rejoin and relove so many times within 1 yr of RS.Now he blocked me my number and on every social medias that i can't chat him. When i talk to him with my friend's acc, he said he will block my fri also. I beg him and cry so many times towards him. What should i do?? i really love him and cant live without him. And i also know he really loved me and still loves me though he said he dont love me now.In this article, duration of no contact is abt 4 weeks but he will come back in 2 wks to our country because of his school off. he will stay for 3 days and after that he will come back next 2 mths. What should i do. Can i do no contact for just 2 wks? Because i want to apologize for my serious mistakes when he is in town.
It depends on why he broke up with you in the first place. If he is arriving in 2 weeks, then you could always reduce no contact for now, as long as you think it's enough time for him to let go of any negative emotions or feelings he holds towards you.
Hello,
I'm sure you get hundreds of these so I'll try to be brief. I'm considering the EBP program. We've been apart for roughly two years [She tried to stay with me, but I could not let go of our previous past (she broke up with me in the first go and later slept with one of my good friends)]. It was supposed to be our fresh start but I muddied it up because of my inability to get over it. I lied to her when telling her I was. Another note, I did become intimate with another when we were in a huge fight, seemingly at the end of our rope. We decided I would move out and we would take it from there, but I selfishly took it as a "break-up" (Such a cop out, I know). Since then, I went through:
- depression (antidepressants and anxiety meds)
- suicide attempt (Unrelated to the relationship but important to disclose post relationship mindest)
- A somewhat serious relationship in which the person loves me and I treat them more as a friend than a partner/best friend.(we are LDR and I am waiting to break up with them in person).
- much growing and learning, haven't we all.
It has been 9 months since my suicide attempt and feel I have become healthy both of mind and body. I feel the past were my emotional growing pains, and was my transition into adulthood.
My question is, how do I attempt to contact her, if at all, after all this time? Last I heard, she wants NOTHING to do with me and out of respect for her wishes, I haven't contacted her since. I've heard she's moved on but that was a year ago and I have remained blocked on her social media so I'm not sure what her status is. I have no wish to disrupt her life/balance, but if she is single, I very much would like to make a go at maximizing the happiness of both our long-term futures. She was not my first love, but by far my most cherished.
So much for being brief.
S
Hey there,
Firstly, good job on dealing with all those issues you mentioned and still making it out positively. Since it has been a long time, you could consider checking up on how she's doing from a mutual friend if possible. If not, you could consider dropping her a casual text message, or even a letter - if you know where she lives. Acknowledge your faults in the relationship and apologize for them, in the hopes that one day you guys can still be friends. Never start off with your intention and patience level geared towards wanting her back, but simply as a long-time friend showing concern/checking in on her and how she's doing. The most important thing you have to find out is where she stands regarding her views towards you, and if she still harbors any ill feelings.
I've just checked this page and signed up to get the daily email. Love the content so far...
I guess you get a lot of emails from people who think "their situation" is a little bit different than anybody else's. I'm one of them who believes even though your teachings offer insightful value, things may not apply to my relationship with Sarah.
Or maybe they do.
I really don't know if I want to buy your course or maybe hire you as my coach, I'm just desperate to get my baby back.
I broke up with Sarah two years ago already. Yes, it's been a while. During this time we've tried to come back many times but I screwed up many of those times stepping back time after time again.
In December 2016 I decided to take a permanent break. I couldnt deal with it anymore. So we barely spoke for 4 months. There were a few text messages back and forth during that time, but thats it.
In April 2017 I called her. I had missed her so much the previous 4 months I couldn't live without here. We saw each other for 3 hours and told her I wanted to get her back. Unfortunately, she "wasn't ready" and didn't want to get hurt again. During last summer, we talked and saw each other a few times, but she's still full of resentment. She's not forgiven and everytime we see each other, she always tells me that " I dumped her"...
In November last year I sent her a heart-felt letter. She liked it and we started to talking again. We even saw each other a few times, actually 5-6 times since December and even kissed. Everything was more or less going in the right direction until two weeks ago...
We had a fight over the phone cause she wanted to see some of her friends instead of me and I told her I was second best, as always. She really got angry and me and things really escalated from there. She was hurt again and told me that I was selfish and that I wanted to do things my way not respecting her wishes....
She says that I always FORCE things instead of letting things happen organically...
I guess she's right. I just wanted to know if we are doing this makes sense as I don't want to wait another 8 months until she knows what she wants...
I just wish I had read this guide before...I made all the mistakes...
Anyway, last week I kept calling, I was desperate, needy..I told her if she wanted to break it up for good, she should tell me. But she still says "i don't know what I want". S
Anyway, we had a bad fight last week, she said she needed some "space and time" to think. It's been almost a week.
I'm really desperate as she's not called ever since - I haven't contacted either.
What really gets me is, if she's so angry, resented and upset with me, why doesnt she break it off completely once and for all? I asked her that question and she said "because it's so damn hard.."
Anyway, things were going well until two weeks ago and then I blew it. I think I lost my last shot with her. I'm just afraid next time she calls me it will be to tell me we are done.
She knows "im waiting". I told her I was going to wait...so Im waiting...
Do you think my situation is completely different? is there any hope?
Thank you and looking forward your reply.
For starters, she feels confused because she does still have feelings for you, but is afraid of the past incidents repeating itself, which has caused her to raise her guard with you. That recent incident where you got upset with her was one of those fears she had that probably came true. If you really want to get back together with her, ironically as it sounds, you're shift your mindset and remind yourself that you're not with her yet. As of now, you're simply a friend working your way up to something more and getting her to like you again. Never project your past expectations (when still in a relationship) onto her, and since you should have improved several aspects of your life since the break up, use this opportunity to 'show' it to her, instead of pressuring her to re-start the relationship. The bottom line of things is that you should treat her as though you were chasing someone for the very first time, with no expectations and to be patient.
Hey me and my ex(18) I’m 20 just broke up 2 weeks ago. The relationship was well I actually thought we had something she would tell me a lot of secrets that she’s never told anyone not even her best friends of closets relatives and I would do that same. Then one day she tells me things don’t feel the same and that we should break up so we do we weren’t together for 2 days then we ran into each other at a party she later came over and we kind of talked things out she’s had a hard time being it her first yr college and has made a lot of mistakes.Fast forward a couple weeks and the same situation pops up this time we take a “break” but she was always popping up at my room and asking am I was. I knew things weren’t feeling right later one week I hear some bad news in my life and she comes over to check on me and see how I’m feeling I really loved that Ik she really cared. Until it came to the weekend she again popped up at my dorm and we hung out for a 1 hour or so and she started getting really comfortable I told her “ you know you shouldn’t be doing this” she said “ I know but I miss spending time with you”. At this moment my heart was racing because throughout this entire “break I’ve been trying to get us back together and nothing was trying so I tried to plan something later that day I text her and ask if she can come over she replies “ no we’re not talking no more I shouldn’t have come over it was a mistake” I asked why she came over she said “ I don’t know”. I was broken at this point so I went to confront her(which wasn’t a good idea) later that day and she’s still keeps telling me we’re not talking so I disappointly left and she eventually came over later and told me everything. Turns out we’re very much in common and are going through similar situations in our lives she again tells me a lot of very very personal stuff that is also going on and making her stressed and worried. I asked if she actually liked me she said I don’t know right now I think I liked the attention more and I was devastated and confused. She also told me some other personal things and reasons to why she’s having a hard time staying committed to us. It has been 3 days and I want to get her back we haven’t spoken since that day and she also blocked me on her Snapchat and hasn’t blocked me since but hasn’t blocked my number. Please help me
Don't pressure her into anything right now. Give both parties some space and time to deal with your own issues and for her to let go of the negative emotions tied to your confrontation with her. You could consider applying no contact for the time being to focus on yourself.
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago. We dated for 4 months and we’re both 22. I haven't reached out to her yet but, want nothing more to because there are so many questions that I have about what happened. We had a strong connection, I never blew up her phone, i would wait for her to text back before i sent another message. She would say I'm the best thing that's happened to her in a very long time, and that she is so lucky to have me in her life, and that she wants me in her life for a long time. I never mentioned making plans far in advance for later down the road, but she brought up me spending Christmas with her and her family next year, and spending new year’s together next year, and I told her that would be awesome and would love to. We only officially dated for a month before she went back home for 5 weeks.
The Monday before the Saturday she broke up with me she started school and I noticed that she didn't say her usual goodnight. she usually says night babe with some hearts but that Monday I just got a night. I saw her for the first time since she left for a little bit that Wednesday and things seemed great. She was happy to see me, and we talked about getting a cabin for valentine’s day, and she seemed like she really wanted to get one. I saw her that Saturday morning before her job interview and she seemed fine. while I was hanging out with a friend and she was at her job interview I got a text out of nowhere saying that she needed space and time to think things over. That she has so many things going on right now and that she isn’t thinking straight because of her hormones, stress, and lack of sleep. I went over and talked to her that night and she said that I was a great boyfriend, an amazing guy and hadn't done anything wrong. She said that she needs to focus on graduating and had so much on her plate that she couldn't give me the time that she thinks I deserve. That she isn't sure she feels the same way about me that I feel about her, and that I stress her out. She said she isn't just going to disappear and never hear from her again and that she still wants me in her life. That she’s there if I want to talk.
When we started dating she planned on staying in town for a little while after graduation and when she came back from home she said that she was moving back home at the end of this summer. I told her when she said that, that I care so much for her and if that was the case that I would move near her to be close to her. This girl was everything I have looked for in a girl. She seemed that she loved me by the things she said, and I'm just so confused what to do because it really came out of nowhere, and I love this girl.
It could be that she's going through a really stressful period, and just needs time to figure out what she wants, as well as clear her priorities. I suggest giving her time to deal with what she needs to, and allow yourself some space to distance yourself emotionally from this. You could arrange to meet her again at a later date, when things are a little more settled.
Hey. It's been two years since my breakup. My ex is a great person and ever since I've been unable to connect with any other person the way I connected with him. I unintentionally start looking for him in every other person I meet. I dated this guy from university, one year after breakup, and it didn't work out. We kinda broke up after two months. I dont feel a thing about this university guy anyway. So, coming back to the ex, a few days ago I added my ex on Snapchat and have been uploading pretty pictures ever since. He views my stories but doesn't make a comment or something. I sound as happy and cheerful in my snaps as I can. I dont know for sure but chances are that he might have gotten engaged under familial pressure. In the two years period, my ex tried to contact me twice which I didn't respond to. And now that I have added him on Snapchat, I cant get him off my mind. I keep on tracking his location on SnapMap. And now I'm thinking about sending him a direct message. Please tell me if it's a good idea to drop a message for him ?
You should find out if he's officially engaged already or not. If he isn't then you could drop him a direct message to break ice since it's been a long time. However, if he's already engaged then it's best that you try to let go of him and move on since contacting him might bring about misunderstandings.
And any leads on how can I find out his relationship status?
I totally think sending him a message is a great idea but don’t get your hopes up because if he is engagged it could make things complicated.
Hi Kevin,
I love getting your emails daily by the way! Good information!
I'm so confused as to what is happening and I would love to hear what you think!
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago due to him not knowing what he wants in life and relationship. He is almost 30 and I guess he is having a kind of "mid life crisis". He just got out of a very stressful work period that lasted for months. During this time, I noticed he was getting less and less affectionate towards me. He is naturally a VERY romantic man and he used to shower me with little love gestures and words. So I first brought it up to him back in September and he had the same concern. We did not break up. He did not want to lose me so we said we would try and give each other space...which we didn't really. We lived together and we were too dependent on each other...at least I was.
I talked to him again in 3 weeks ago about this because I have been feeling something was off for months! At first we went on a "break" but that only lasted for two weeks. I broke up with him after that because I couldn't deal with pain of waiting around. Don't know where it came from but we spent that night together and had very passionate sex....but now here we are. I moved to a new place now but we would take turns to go to friends' to stay for the first two weeks. After the first week, we saw each other. He woke up from a dream one night and he held me and said he had a bad dream that he lost me. We went on two "dates" and we had a good time...he was romantic towards me and we had the most passionate sex both times. He was being his romantic self like how he always was. So I'm confused.... Yesterday I broke it off with him because I might hurt myself even more if we keep going with the ambiguity. He kept saying he's afraid of losing me and he doesn't know what he is doing. So confusing for both of us. So now I'm currently trying the NC. I have a gut feeling that he will come back....but how can one know? I really think he is the right person for me...should I fight for this or should I let him go?
Sorry for the long text! I really hope I can get your opinions on this.
Regards,
Tess
If you think that he is the one for you, then you should work towards something if possible. However, you need to convey it across to him that he needs to make a decision on what he wants because you can't wait around forever. If he wants things to work, he would probably make an effort to change. If not, you would do better to walk away from the relationship or risk going through this again in the future.
Why are there no articles on what to do AFTER you meet your ex? I met with my ex yesterday and have no idea what to do now.
Hey Heather, that's because everyone's contact experience will be different, and from here on out, it's more about your own efforts to build up the connection with him once again by being you. As long as you stick to the general rules and principles back in no contact (don't be needy or desperate), you should be fine.
hi. first, sorry for my english. I was in a relationship of a month (and 2 months of flirts before this)( we dont even have sex :( ) My boyfriend broke with me because his friends hate me (many people) and I descovered him talking bad things about me. due to my impulses I broke the relationship but when I told him my regret -the next day- he told me that he wants to be quiet for a days and maybe if we still think each other something could happen. Well, im doing no contact but I have some doubts, I bloked him on facebook and I lost his number but I still having him on Instagram. I used to upload pictures, it could affect the no contact? my other question is that is really hard to me to write the hand letter (is really crazy) and I dont have his number or email, do you think it could be work if when I completed the month I start giving him likes and comments of his “stories”? its really hard to me find him because he take the desition. do you think that I can be sucess? thanks .
You could continue to upload pictures on IG, so that your presence remains visible to him despite no contact. As for the letter, when no contact is over, you could decide again what you want to do, but instead of liking his pictures or stories, you could always start with a simple message to his Instagram asking him how he's been.
Hi EBP team,
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after he said he needed space. He said it was not my fault, he said it's because he's tired of being in a relationship and wants to be alone for now. I felt really down, because this is our second time breaking up. On the first break up I really did fix myself for him, but I was not happy and I had anxiety built up along the way. I knew he doesn't like it when I make small problems into big ones, he doesn't like it when I word vomit during arguing (yes this triggered him to ask me for a break), and how I cling onto him too much. Now I truly have learned from my mistakes, and this break up was much easier because I'm actually making my self happy, and hanging out with my friends that I have neglected because I spent so much time with my ex instead. I love him so dearly, I feel like our relationship is fixable but I just know his tolerance towards me is really low now. Because back then, he would go through all my problems and comfort me. I used to be horrible, heck I even slapped him once for no clear reason. He was such a loving and caring boyfriend, he used to be so committed. I really miss what we had, when we were equally invested, there were barely any fights, and we always had a great time together in conversations, activities, and sex. I have been doing the no contact rule really well in my opinion, but does this all matter when I have pushed him away this much until he is just so tired? How long do men usually need to rest? I heard from another article that they start regretting after more than a month.. And can I heal him so he can love being in a relationship again, and become equally invested again? Thank you.
You won't be able to heal him, because its something that he needs to resolve on his own. In this case, it may not be so much about regretting, but rather you'll have to make him miss the idea of a relationship with you. The only way for that to happen is to first give him space to let go of all the bad incidents that happened, and start remembering the good (especially when he sees how much you've changed). Continue with no contact, and when it ends, you could always decide to approach him again casually, starting off with the idea of being friends and letting him allow you back into your life slowly.
Hi, so me and my ex broke up a week ago. We weren’t dating for a very long time (3 months) but it was very intense and we fell for eachother the first time we saw eachother. we were dating and everything was amazing when we were together he told me how he already felt in love so fast but it all felt right. We did however had some arguments trough texts, he hates texting but texting was important for our communication because we live in different cities also he has an enormous busy profession so making plans was always hard, our communication caused a lot of problems also his work made him get a burn out and he was getting back into a depression (he was severly depressed years ago). We sometimes talked about quitting because we had to deal with a lot. Last week we talked and both decided to go on, he also told me i was the most important person in his life even during the depression (which was taking a toll on our relationship) two days later he told me that it would be best if we broke up because it wasnt working and he doesnt know what he wants and he needed to focus on himself. I got it but i am hurt because we fell in love so fast and he was always telling me how much i ment for him and how amazing he thought i was. I am just wondering if its over for good of if there still is a chance for us, i feel like we didn’t have the opportunity to fully try.
There's a strong possibility that he still has feelings for you, but is simply overwhelmed with everything that has been going on. Unfortunately, a perfect world does not exist and we often have to make do with the situation that we're given - for yours, its a relationship based in different cities and a partner who has a stressful job and difficulties with coping. If his depression is severe, it's likely that frequent changes in his opinions may occur based on how he's feeling at a given point because he is unable to control his emotions. You could always learn how to help him cope better with his stress and depression, and be patient with him because of his depression. However, you should keep in mind that depression isn't something that should control his life although it will affect it. It shouldn't control yours either, and if things get overwhelming for you, it might be a better idea to walk away.
In need of some help. My ex and I started talking over two years ago. She's 20 and I'm 28. We talked all day every day. Four months ago we decided it was best if we started to date. We have never argued once in over two years we've known each other. Three weeks ago she said she didn't think we should date because I deserve better. That I have real priorities and she has immature ones. She said she was young dumb and selfish. Which I didn't agree with. She said it had nothing to do with me she just realized things about herself. The next day I didn't really talk to her but she got mad because of that. Then 3 days after we broke up we met face to face and got back together after talking.
During the 3 weeks we were together it couldn't have gone better. We bought tickets to concerts in the coming months, we were planning a trip with her sister and her husband for a week. She invited me everywhere. She said she missed me when we didn't see each other. She was very affectionate. Then five days ago she calls me and said she's been thinking. She feels she needs to work on herself and grow up. She feels that in order to be mature she needs to be single. I'm proud of her for being that mature to want all of that but I don't understand why she can't do that while together. She told me we were on a break. Since we started our break there's been no contact. I'm worried I'm going to lose her forever. I want her back but I want her back for good. I'm confused what to do since we never fought and we've talked every day for over 2 years straight. Not one argument and we wanted all the same things. Point me in the right direction to get her back! I don't want to mess this up!
As cliche as this may sound, a relationship requires its fights and arguments from time to time for individuals to grow emotionally (based on how they resolve those issues). The reason why she feels stuck and perhaps that she needs to grow from 'single' point of view is because she currently feel that the relationship has not made her any more mature than she was 2 years ago, since she has become dependent on you for most things. Perhaps you could give her some space to let her sort those emotions out and continue with the NC period. If the relationship was as meaningful to her as it was to you, she would definitely begin to feel an emotional gap because of the daily texting for past 2 years and think of you.
My ex contacted me two days after breaking up with me. He invited me over to get my stuff and to talk. I️ responded and said I️ can’t I️m leaving for a trip, we can next week. I️ totally messed up. He responded ok. Now I️ don’t know what to do. The ball is still in his court. Where do I️ go from here. Should I️ text him in a week telling him I️ need some more time? How do I️ gain some control
Wait for him to text you again, and depending on what your end goal is (to move on or get back together), you could either pick your stuff up or try to avoid it if possible - regardless, you should apply no contact after to give both parties necessary space to let go of either the relationship or negative feelings from the breakup.
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago. I haven't reached out to her yet, but want nothing more that to, because there are so many questions that I have about what happened. We started dating this past November and things were great! We had a strong connection, I never blew up her phone, i would wait for her to text back before i sent another message. She would say I'm the best thing that's happened to her in a very long time, and that she is so lucky to have me in her life, and that she wants me in her life for a long time. I never mentioned making plans far in advance for later on down the road, but she brought up me spending Christmas with her and her family next year, and spending new years together next year, and I told her that would be awesome and would love to. We only officially dated for a month before she went back home for 5 weeks. The Monday before the Saturday she broke up with me she started school and I noticed that she didn't say her usual goodnight. she usually says night babe with some hearts but that Monday I just got a night. I saw her for the first time since she left for a little bit that Wednesday and things seemed great. She was happy to see me, and we talked about getting a cabin for valentines day, and she seemed like she really wanted to get one. I saw her that Saturday morning before her job interview and she seemed fine. while I was hanging out with a friend and she was at her job interview I got a text out of nowhere saying that she needed space and time to think things over. That she has so many things going on right now and that she isn't thinking straight because of her hormones, stress, and lack of sleep. I went over and talked to her that night and she said that I was a great boyfriend, an amazing guy and hadn't done anything wrong. She said that she needs to focus on graduating and had so much on her plate that she couldn't give me the time that she thinks i deserve. That she isn't sure she feels the same way about me that i feel about her, and that i stress her out. She said she isn't just going to disappear and never hear from her again and that she still wants me in her life. That shes there if i want to talk. when we started dating she planned on staying in town for a little while after graduation and when she came back from home she said that she was moving back home at the end of this summer. I told her when she said that, that I care so much for her and if that was the case that I would move near her to be close to her. This girl was everything I have looked for in a girl. She seemed that she loved me by the things she said and I'm just so confused what to do because it really came out of nowhere.
Based on what you're saying, it could either be that she is really feeling very stressed out about her future and is unsure where you fit into it, which is why she needed time to think. The other outcome was that she may have found someone else she is interested in, and isn't sure of how she feels towards you anymore but may have held it in for awhile. Regardless, if she feels the same way about how you felt towards her, it may probably be the former reason, and if that's the case, you shouldn't pressure her any further, and try to be patient while she thinks things through. If the outcome is that she really wants things to end, and to focus on graduating first without you as her partner, there isn't much you can do but apply no contact to pick yourself up and give yourself some space before re-considering anything.
Hi
My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago, due to trust issue. The first week, I begged and pleaded her so much, but i found the NC rule, which i did reply for a bit. We had an on and off conncetion after our breakup. Everytime i went nc she would texting me like crazy, and everytime she did that i broke my nc rule. But our interactions were positive, i did improve myself, she even mentioned that. But in the day after christmas i did something stupid, which i tried to make her jealous, by telling her that my fried did set me up to some girls that wanted to meet me in the club. My ex got very upset and won't talk to me. The reason of why i tried to make her jealous was becasue, she would be moving away to another town (2hours away). So i tried to rush the process of getting her back, but it backfired very hard.
After she moved away i did go on NC again, which i failed like the first time. It is my weakness that, everytime she contacts me i would reply to every single of her texts and calls, eventhough our interactions were positive. So in the past few weeks she asked me that when i could come to visit her. I said that i could visit her in febuary, but she said that she couldn't wait that long. I was very happy to knew that she still thinking about me. Since then we had been contacting each other a little bit more than usual. She even asked me to stay a little bit longer when i called her just to say goodnight. And last weekend she sent me a dirty snap of her and teased me like crazy, which it made me to want her back even more. So i began to show my intention and affection toward her. Since then she went cold, very cold, so i called her, which i shouldn't at all. But i called her because on 1st febuary i will be in her town, so i just wanted to ask her that we could have a meeting. But she hung up on me, and texted me instead. She texted me that she was crying and sad. I asked her why and she wanted to talk about it, but she just ignored my text. So i called her again the day after, because i wanted to know that she stii wants to meet up. We talked a little bit about yesterday, why she was crying. She didn't tell me about it. Then i asked her about she wants to hang out when i am in her town. She said she would check her schedule and she would let me know. Since then she didn't contact me at all not even a pointless text or snap. I felt like her crying and sad that day hadd something to do with me. So i reached to her tpday(yeah, i am acting needy again) asked her that she wants to see me at all on 1st febuary. She replied "no kissing". So now i know why she went cold. Because i show her my intention for her. And i will be meeting her very soon.
What can i do, since she knows my intention now? Is it too late to get her back? I felt like the process that i had made is gone. Because before i show my needieness and intention i knew that she still cares about me, but right now i don't know any more, confusing more likely. I will be meeting her soon, what should i do?
Thank you
I don't think it's too late to get her back, but you should take things down a notch and not make your intentions so forward or let your emotions get the better of you. Just because you're going over soon, doesn't mean things all need to fall in place at one shot. She might even be impressed that you kept things calm and composed when meeting, instead of making advances, which she is expecting. Apologize for being so forward, and let her know that your emotions got the better of you. Also tell her that you would still very much like to meet up when you're there, but would understand if she isn't comfortable. Basically, be a gentleman from here on out, and you still stand a strong chance with her. Let her lead instead based on what she's comfortable with.
Thank you for a fast reply. Sorry, i didn't explain the situation clearly, but im not 100% sure that she wants to meet with me tomorrow. What if i didn't meet her tomorrow? Can i still text her that im sorry for letting my emotion get better of me and etc?
Thank you!
Hi, i want to do a little update from my meeting with my ex. It went well, we had fun. When we first met we were just talking casually. Then we went to her place to pick her stuff. In her apartment there were a lot of stuff that weren't hers, and i saw on hers table there were some birth control pills, and she was not a fan of taking them when we were together, because it would give her side effect. So i knew that she has slept with other guys since our breakup. I know that it was not something that i could control, since we are not together anymore. But i didn't show any emotion to her, though i was so mad inside. Because i figured that one of the reason why she went cold and distant was she was seeing someone else. So i was just talking about something else instead and it went good. Then we went for a shopping, which it went better with our interactions. I began to holding hands and small kind of physically interaction. We went for a dinner after and i made her laugh a lot of the times. So when we went back just to chill a little bit before i haad to go home. We cuddle for a bit, even though i felt a small resistance from her side. I mean she wrote "no kissing" after all. So when we said goodbye, we kissed, we laugh for a bit, because i made a comment about "no kissing" Then we kissed again, but nothing more, and i did tried to get more than kisses, but not directly. I think our first interaction went well. But what does that kiss mean? What should i do after this point? How can i make her to think about me and not the guy she has been seeing? Especially when she was so hot towards me a few weeks before.
Thank you
The fact that she has opened up to you and even returned the kisses despite expressing no initially shows that she still has feelings for you, which were probably easier to mask while she was still texting you. If you continue this approach with her, to make her laugh and enjoy herself everytime she talks to you or sees you, it wouldn't be long before she rekindles her feelings for you. It should be mentioned as well though, that you may expect a little resistance on occasion from her if she's seeing another guy, but he may simply be a rebound. Remember that being patient (not lose your cool or be pushy) will only increase your chances of winning her back from him since she would see you as the better option.
hi ebp team,
my ex of more than a year broke it off yesterday. 3 weeks before that he asked for space which i did (somehow). i was overly possesive towards him. i got jealous everytime. before we officially became a couple, we were dating over a year too. so you can say we've been together for more than a year. he is 33 whyl im 26. he was really having a bad time at work plus responsibilities with his family. he said we'll just focus on our work first. btw we are in the same company. should i do nc? i knw hes just so fed up with everything. should i jst give him time and space but try to bring him food again.? or just plain nc? thank you.
You should start off with NC on it's own without sweet gestures. You want to give your ex some time and space to cool off as well as the time apart to start missing you again. If you work together with him, meeting him would be unavoidable, but keep your conversations strictly to work related matters for the time being, and focus on NC instead. You could use this article to further assist you.
Hi team!
My first post was in December, when I was rebuilding connection with my ex and needed some advice. We talked, even videochated as we were in a long distance relationship and since then we were fine, having small talks, snapping and starting to have longer conversations. There were moments when he acted cold or when I needed to sustain the conversation, which made me really frustrated.
However, in January he left to an academy. On his first week there, we had small talks, like we exchanged 2-3 sentences about the academy. I assumed that he is replying so slow and short because he has some stuff to do or something, so I waited a couple of days, till weekend, believing, maybe he will have more time for me. He didn't... He is barely answering me even if I am writing to him each 2nd or 3rd day.
The interesting thing is, that on Snapchat everything was fine, so I started to rebuild connection and attraction there. I tried several times the methodes described in the article. Recently he sent me a snap of a dish made by him, so as an answer I wrote him: "It looks really nice. I almost have forgotten how much you love to cook." After a few minutes he told me: "You are doing that again." I knew that perhaps he is reffering to my remark, as I told him before things like "oh, I remember how tasty that dish was on our first date, once again, what was the secret ingredient?" and such things. However, I asked him to clarify what he is reffering to. After an hour he snapped me the following: "I don't remember what I wrote."
I know that getting him back is a long and sometimes painful process. I made some serious changes in my life and a part of those changes were acknowledged by him, he even confirmed me, that I look more refreshed and happier. In one of our conversation he even apologized because of the breakup. But now I feel like, he being at the academy, he started a new life which he won't share with me at all.
I will go to the academy in April, however, I haven't told him about it. My plan would be to start a new NC period till April and in the meantime to work again on myself, maybe to post some nice, happy pics when travelling (just as I did before), just being an even better verison of the better me. I know that he is not expecting to see me ever again as he lives in Denmark and I on the other side of Europe, so when arriving at the academy it will be a huge shocking surprise for him. I think this would not just surprise him but also trigger some old memories and perhaps, he will notice each little change on me.
I would like to ask you some clear questions, that are bugging me:
1. What makes men to apologize for breaking up?
2. Is it a good idea to do another NC till April or it would be better to somehow continue working on building raport, even if he acts like an ice-prince?
3. Should I let him know, that I am going to the academy or can I keep it a secret?
4. Is there a chance to get him back if I would stop messaging and sending snaps?
5. We were in long-distance relationship. When breaking up I don't think he thought that he will see me again.... Meeting him face-to-face would make it possible that his feelings would change?
I am looking forward to your reply and thank you very much in advance!
Eve :)
To answer your questions, firstly men apologize for the break up when we've had time to think about it, or feel guilty towards our ex for hurting them. Secondly, if he's being wary of your intentions right now and has started his new life at the academy, it may be a good idea to start NC again since pushing your way through isn't going to work. You have an advantage that most long distance relationship breakups don't, which is that you'll be going to the academy in April. I guess what contributes to him wanting to move on, is the thought of never seeing you again, which makes things easier to process and to distance himself from you. By going to the academy, you definitely would trigger some memories and he may even begin to miss you. It might be a good idea to let him know that you'll be going, or at least bring it up casually on the potential chance that you may be going, and see how he reacts to it.
Hi Ryan!
As I started now the NC and I am in the second week, when and how should I let him know? What would be the best method? Writing him something like: You will never guess what happened! And after that just tell him that I will go there?
Thanks,
Eve :)
Hi Ryan!
Should I break my new NC just for this message? Can I send hima text just regarding this issue while being nice and cool about it?
Thank you and have a nice day,
Eve
Yes, you could drop him a text and continue with NC after, or alternatively, finish up NC first before texting him that you'll be going over in April.
Hi Ryan!
We talked as he contacted me and when it came of the academy, I told him that there is a huge chance that I will visit his academy... He didn't reacted at all, he has sent me a pic and changed the subject and continued as nothing have happened... He really doesn't care or this is a normal reaction? Should I continue talking with him or I should do a NC till I go there and give him some time process the info? I have the feeling that he didn't really believed me or didn't really took into consideration this potential chance. He likes the concrete things that are for sure. Should I let him know that I know the exact date, would that change things?
Thank you in advance!
I suggest leaving things be for now, and continue with no contact. You can let him know at a later date on the confirmed details and based on his response then, you can determine if he's genuine about you still, or simply does not care anymore.
Hi Ryan:
My ex and I broke up a week ago. Thats how things happend. “We broke up” at the beggining of January but not because of anything bad just because we wasn’t getting along and we were having a lots of fights. That first break up was not a breakup at all because we kept seeing each other and we were acting as a couple. Then last week I decided to talk to him and actually come back with him because we were dealing with our problems and we were getting along and understanding each other. That day I wanted to talk to him to come back he went to my house while I wasn’t there and check over my texts without permission. He discovered some texts of me “flirting” with a guy while we still together but it didn’t go too far, there was nothing sexual nor I didn’t cheat. He told me that for him only talking with other guy and hide it from him was cheating and decided to break up for good. He talked to me after that and told me that he is a person that doesn’t forgive and don’t know how to do it. I have tried to explain him that nothing occured between me and that guy and I apologize for making the mistake of texting with someone else but he doesn’t want to understand. In the past he had a relationship that the girl cheated on him and he told me that since the beggining of our relationship he told me that he wasn’t gonna accept anything like that. So after only a week he shows like super decided and I’m wondering if all of this is because of his anger because after only bringing back the topic again he gets furious. But is it possible that a person made his mind after a few days and be that decided? We had a 7 years relationship and I want to know if somehow is possible to make things right and get him back. One day ago he told me that if we ever come back it’s gonna be a new relationship from zero but that he can’t assure me if someday thats gonna happen. And if it really happens he can’t tell when its gonna be. He told me that I should not make a hope on this because it’s not sure if that will ever happen. I know I made a mistake but I think that he has overreacted and he has made things bigger than they really are. I’m gonna follow this advices and see how everything goes. What’s your opinion on this?
Different people have different views on cheating and the boundaries of it. You'll have to respect that if you want to make things work with him once more. However, it's also dependent on how strong he views this matter, and his ability to accept things. If it's as you've said, and that he is really against cheating, and doesn't know how to forgive, it might be a really long while before he lets go of this matter. I feel that you shouldn't get your hopes up as he's said, and instead focus on making changes to your life as it helps with the chance of starting something 'new' with him, since making drastic improvements to yourself could cause him to view in a different light from the person you once were.
Hey kevin,i last saw my girlfriend last year in November but i know that made some horrible stuff to hurt her though never intented to do it...we have made 2months now but no contact period.She often calls me,sometimes i pick up her calls but i don't beg her & don't know how am gona get her back cause whenever i talk to her about it,she says"IF GOD WISHES,WE SHALL MEET" i need your advise,man
If you guys live in the same city, or there's a common place you know she hangs out at, you could always drop by on occasion to try your luck. However it sounds like she's trying to play hard to get with you, since she clearly shows signs of interest but pushes your advances away. She may not have let go fully of the past incidents, and may still need more time.
So my girlfriend broke up with me because her ex of 1 year (who recently broke up too) decided to tell her that he would like to get back with her. Apparently, he didn't know that she's in a relationship with me for about 1 and half months (we already knew each other for about two years at work. She feels she knew me enough in that two years to explore our possibilities). This triggered her and so my girlfriend decided to break up with me to explore the possibilities of going back with her ex, and at the same time, she doesn't want to reach a point where she would cheat on me just to do her exploring. She had high hopes on that previous relationship, but it was the guy who called it off due to circumstances he could not handle.
Post-breakup, I keep contacting her, and her replies seemed normal. She even organised a cafe date, so I thought there is still hope. I kept myself on her radar all the time, and recently I decided to visit her when she was sick, even though she told me not too. That didn't turn out well. She said I was disrespectful towards her needs to be alone to sort out this mess and decide on what she wants. At that moment I knew I fucked up. We had a long talk, and as of yesterday, I started the No Contact rule and am slowly reading your articles. I would like to get back with my ex to continue our relationship that got ended abruptly.
She's beautiful, strong character but also sensitive towards others, knows what she wants (at the point of time when we just dated) caring, loving, not manipulative, open to discussions.
If she's how you described her to be, then her decision to explore things with her ex would probably be final for the time being and interfering would only push her further away especially when you accidentally cross boundaries or make her feel uncomfortable. Let her do what she needs to, and you should work to complete NC, and make the positive changes in your life as mentioned in our article. If the opportunity presents itself in the future, you could always consider things again then.
Hey, can I have your personal email address? I don't want it in public. that's why. hope you would respond.
Apologies but we do not provide personal email correspondence, unless it's subscribed 1-1 coaching with Kelvin.
My college girlfriend (lets say Sarah) and I were almost 3 years together in a relationship. Had to break up with her due me having to finish school and plans to go for a masters degree abroad and her wanting to marry young, but myself without anything to support her and the upcoming family. Shortly after breaking up, I met another girl (Let's say Rachel) which we started dating relatively quick. Sarah saw us getting out from the cinema and blocked me in every social media possible. Four years have passed on (Superb No Contact time?) and I sent her a birthday message which Sarah coldly responded. Looked forward to keeping on messaging and she blocked me telling me she doesn't me to talk again with her and that we already have walked different roads. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend nor had a boyfriend in all these years. Should I wait for another No Contact time? What should be the appropriate way to approach her. She seems still hurt by the way she responded me when she blocked me last time.
If she's still hurt and responded coldly to you even after 4 years, there may be no point in waiting through another no contact period since she has expressed that she doesn't want to talk to you again. You might even have to wait for her to go through another relationship before she finally lets go of the past incident.
Why did you send her a happy birthday after all this time too? hmmm. Are you still with 'rachel'?, i gather not?.It appears you are using Sarah as a fallback if you aren't with anyone which shows your lack of self esteem and need for an ego massage now and again when you need it. 4 years! leave her alone. You cannot have your cake and eat it.
Hi. Mel here.
I know this is kind of sudden, but I want to know your thoughts on this.
Allright. So my ex and I have been dating for around 6 months. We initially fell in love with each other at first sight. It was so strange and magical to feel all the emotions, the heart-beating-fast-knees-weak-head-goes-dizzy sensations flowing inside of us when we didn't even know each other. Weeks after that, he got my number from his cousin, who happened to know me since I was a child. But he still didn't text me yet. He said he was worried I might not interested in him the way he was interested in me (he told me this months after that). So I approached him first.
We escalated fast, he proposed to me, and we were making plans to get engaged supposedly this June. But things started to changed in last November. He said he was having so so so much problems with his family, and he will tell me when things settled down a bit. But of course, I know all of them and I did gave him support and encouragement to face all that.
Then, one thing leads to another, and eventually, his problems grew bigger and bigger, and started to get out of hand. Me, on the other side, continued to give him support, and frequently asked him if he was okay, if he ate that day, or if he needs me to talk to. Little did I know, all of my concern made him feel burdened.
He said he needed time. But I pushed him, and it was as if I really wanted to know his problems, which i was not, actually. Because i already knew (his cousin told me everything, and we kept it a secret).
So he broke up with me. He said to not look for him anymore, and do not contact him anymore. I was really devastated and yes, I did have some suicidal thoughts. But I know that was irrational. So I tried to calm down, and tried to understand why he did that. I basically put myself in his shoes. Oh yes, I do understand why he did that, that's why I abide to his no contact rule since the breakup day. He needed time, I thought.
32 days of no contact rule, I went to his workplace, since I was called for an interview that day. I bumped into him, but I walked away. I went home, and cry my eyes out, feeling sad and unbearable. The day after that, his cousin told me that he too, was moody and really sad after he bumped into me, and he went back early that day, because he can't continue with work anymore. He was so sad.
That night, he didn't sleep a bit, and came to work the next day looking miserable. So he took half day off, and went home because he started to have a fever.
When I heard that, my heart broke. I really just wanted to run to him, hug him tight and say, "Let's not do this anymore. Let's just be happy. Forever." but I don't think it was a good idea.
Two days after that, which is yesterday, I texted him first. He didn't reply back until now.
What should I do? I know he still wants me, and he is hurting badly too. But I really seriously do not know what to do. What should I do to get him back, happy and confident just like before?
With love,
Mel.
It's best to figure out what he's thinking about at this point, and how he's handling all of his emotional issues before you decide on an action to take. The last thing you want is to end up making him feel more burdened. If you really want to be together with him, it might be a better idea to be the positive pillar of support that he seemingly needs right now, and help him pick himself back up first.
My ex and I broke up about a week ago. We’ve been dating for about 3months (short, I know), but he said he wanted a serious relationship with me since the beginning. He’s 27 and my firts serious boyfriend (I’m 26), so a lot of things were new for me. I tend to be very cold and distant and he’s the exact opposite, which bothered him at times, but with time, I managed to change that and I became very affectionate and loving with him.
A few weeks into the relationship, he introduced me to his close friends and family, who were all very kind and genuinely interested in me. Whenever I went to his house and his parents were around, he’d say that I’d act uncomfortable around them, which was not the case, however him being my first serious boyfriend and them being his parents, I was not sure how to act or behave around them because I really wanted them to like me. I tried helping his mom around the kitchen and I even told her I could cook, which I can’t, just for her to like me. She obviously found out I was lying about that, but she didn’t really care.
A few weeks ago, we went out of town for his best friends wedding and we had a phenomenal time. He told me he wanted to marry me some day and we’d even plan trips and stuff like that when we’d finish our residency programs.
When we broke up, we went to his house to get a rope for a friend’s piñata. I stayed in his car and his father was outside, talking with his sister and I didn’t get out of the car to greet them. It was raining a little and I honestly don’t know why I didn’t get out, I guess I was lazy or something. Anyway, my ex came out (his father was gone by then), asked me if I had greeted his dad and I lied and said I had. We went to a party, had a great time and somehow, he found out I was lying. We had a huge fight (our first ever) and he broke up with me the next day. I texted him the next day saying how sorry I was and he told me we could work things out, but then we talked on the phone (I’d never seen him so angry) and he told me it was over. He didn’t give me a reason, but he told a friend that his family was kind and loving with me and I didn’t even make an effort to greet them. I begged for him to not break things off with me. I told him I could change, but he wouldn’t hear me out. His mom asked me what had happened since she’d never seen her son so excited or happy in a relationship and she didn’t understand either.
I haven’t spoken to him since, however we work together, so we're bound to see each other at work, where we just casually greet each other.
I know he’s hurt by my behavior, but I really miss him. At the beginning, he told me he’d neved dream that someone like me noticed him and he had deep feelings about me. I don’t know if we could get back together, but I really care about him. I don’t know how to prove to him that I can change. Please, help me.
It's understandable that being your first serious boyfriend and meeting his family, you'd act a little out of place. He may be overly affected by things because he had placed high expectations on you, which he felt you did not fulfill. Give him some time to cool off, and if he's really serious about you, consider contacting him again to let him know you are sincere about the relationship and explain to him that you're still unfamiliar with dealing with your partner's parents but will be trying harder.
English isn’t my first language, so I apologize if I have some grammatical errors.
When he broke up with me, I told him that I didn’t really know how to behave around his parents, but he was so angry that he didn’t even care. I told him that I could change, but he just kept saying over and over again that he can’t make me change. He argues that we’re both different people and I’ll understand his reasoning in the future, but we had so much love for each other, so I’m completely lost.
When he broke up with me, he was angry and he told me his feeling had changed and he didn’t care about me as he used to. I don’t know it that’s true or if its the anger talking, but it really hurt my feelings. Also, he deleted my pictures from instagram...
Do you think I should keep the nc period as that’s what I’m doing right now?? I don’t know how to prove to him that I can change because I can’t just reach out to his family and randomly be kind to them.
Thanks for your input!
Hello I am a 26 year old male and my ex is a 37 year old female .
We were together 6 years but have been split up about 4 months, but we lived together all that time and we loved each other very much .
Until maybe the last year everything seemed to changed the way she acted towards me the affection everything she eventually said I should move back to my mums after all this time because it was her house. We havent got back together since I begged her for ages but she wouldn't have none of it . Then she went on holiday with her mum where we used to go and she messaged me saying she missed me and wanted to sort things out . I waited until she got back but now she has changed her mind again very frustrating she has a busy life with the kids and I no I was quite full on . I have left her alone now for the first time ever its been 4 days and I havent sent a text or a call I'm finding it hard but its my last option . Ive been going out running and trying to focus on me but always thinking about her. we agreed just to be friends but ive always text her in the past hopfully this time I dont and she texts me first.
Continue with no contact and work on picking yourself up and improving the aspects of your life. At least from there, you'll be able to find more meaning at happiness and eventually even learn to be happy without her. If she comes back into your life, it'll be a bonus and at least you've mentally prepared yourself and would be capable of walking away in the event that she doesn't.
My girlfriend and I were together for a year and 2 months and she kept repeating, daily, that this is the best thing in her life, and we're meant together. We are very close. I've personally never known a person I want to be with more than her, and she expressed the same in visits, writing letters, and texts. Around Christmas, while she was staying with her family (she lives in the adjacent country but we travel constantly to see each other), and after a small discussion about where she might get a job and where we would live together, she turned completely and said (on new year's eve) she can't do a relationship anymore, she wants to be alone, that she's a toxic person to me (she isn't), and never wants a relationship again, ever, with anyone. She did not explain the details why making such a heavy decision, she said she feels inadequate, and that I shouldn't contact her any more if I want her to stay. I am very confused. Now it's been twenty days since we last had any contact and it's killing me, I miss her and I wish we could talk. I have no idea what to do.
If there was no instigating argument or issues that could have potentially made her feel that way, perhaps there could have been other more personal reasons for wanting to end things. You might have to mentally prepare that there was someone else, and if you're entirely sure it wasn't, you could always ask her what made her feel inadequate and toxic as a person.
Thank you Ryan. There was a discussion, when I was expressing worries about how negative she sounded and her repeating how bad she is which I strongly disagreed with, and a discussion about where to live together that she started, which was all strange. I asked her what made her feel inadequate and she repeated that it's just how a relationship makes her feel, and that she can't have this discussion, and basically broke contact. Very sudden, very extreme, and very bizarre and I'm left with questions and I feel very confused. I asked her if this is about someone else, she strongly denied it, and I hope she speaks the truth, because I trusted her completely, and this would be a major disappointment in her and in people in general...I wish she could tell me what this is really about.
Hello, after a relationship of 2 years with my bestfriend (since 5 years) I heard from one of his mate he was already with this girl from his class. I taught she was a rebound because 3 weeks after the breakup they already were dating. My ex told me that he would tell me if he has a new girlfriend but he never told about her. But now I think she is more than a rebound.. It's been 2 months and they follow the familymembers on instagram. I don't understand him, why doesn't he just tell me he has a new girlfriend? I'm the kind of person who wants always the best for the other person. I told him I want him to be happy, even if it's not me who makes him happy. We had a fight last month because I still had contact with one of his best friends. He told me he could not party with me on NYE because he couldn't be drunk in the same room as me (we have a lot of common friends). I wrote him a letter to say I'm okay with the breakup and I think it's for the best to give each other space. He didn't respond on the letter, but after that he puts more snapchats in our friends group to make me look at it. I don't understand him?
I want to understand! Do you think he is now in a rebound relationship?
Thanks for the help!
It would depend on the context of how the relationship had ended and the experiences you went through together. Bear in mind that a relationship with your best friend is very different from actually being friends with that person, and if the relationship was meaningful enough, there's a likelihood that his new girlfriend may be a rebound. He just may not realize it yet, or has been subconsciously suppressing his doubts so far. If he still feels that he can't face you in specific occasions, there is a possibility he isn't over you, and that makes the new relationship seem even more like a rebound. However, just take note that many factors would come into play, and you could refer to them in this article.
Hey, Ryan. I was with my ex for almost three years. She broke it off five months ago. I was in a bad place at the time and was causing a lot of unnecessary discussions. I took care of my problems and I've been working on myself a lot since. I insisted on getting back together for the first two months, which didn't work. We have kept in touch this time, but not in a flirty way. Plus she hasn't agreed to go out with me. We saw each other twice on October, but she has declined to see me since. I tried no contact back in November and after 12 days she texted saying she missed her best friend (me). I started conversations and she said she was working on stuff of her own, but then started kind of ignoring me. For a while, I wished she would just shut the door on us so I could move on, and the fact that she refuses to do that makes me believe she still sees us together, though I don't want to be seen like an option and that I'll just run right back whenever she wants. I sent her flowers for Christmas, for which she thanked me and sent me a picture of them a week later out of the blue, but I didn't make conversation. Early this year I asked if I could see her and she said no (actually says "not now". Like I said, she always sort of evades being straightforward, and I don't know what to make of that). I decided to get more serious with no contact. It's been like 15 days and I'm getting the no contact "symptom" of thinking she doesn't care/is trying to forget about me, etc. Is it too late to be doing no contact? What are your insights on her attitude of not giving clear answers? Thanks!
Remember that no contact is ultimately meant for you to pick yourself up and to create a version of yourself that would make your ex fall for you again. Whether she starts to move on or not shouldn't matter, because she's moving on from the image and impression she had of you before the change. As long as the relationship with her was meaningful, there's always a strong possibility of her falling for you again if you seemed to have made significant positive changes to yourself, which captures her attention.
I have picked myself up already. I'm months past the grieving stage, I just want her to feel confident about giving us another chance. She has told me she notices I'm more calm and that she likes that, yet I think she has been skeptical about trying again. When I think of her I don't feel bad. I know we had something meaningful. But I don't really know what no contact is supposed to be doing for me right now if I've picked myself up. I've made peace with whatever happens, but I want her to pick up on the newer version of me.
If that's the case, start off as friends first and slowly let her see the changed side of you. This would give her more confidence in the idea of starting something once again.
Then contact her and tell her whats changed in you! don't wait for her to contact you because she will think you have moved on already, and i'm sorry my friend, so will she, maybe before you do.You can leave it too late to contact after no contact. If you have genuinely changed and you think you made mistakes and want to be with her still,tell her and admit mistakes you made and how you will work on those. Don't let pride or ego get in the way of your future of happiness with her. BE GENUINE with her. She can for the last time say yes or no, and you can take that and move on with her or without her. If you want to be with her, show her, tell her!.
Hello Ryan,
I am trying to subscribe to your e-series but it is not submitting my information.
Hey,
You can also subscribe by taking the quiz here.
Hi, my boyfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me just a week ago. It was very hard for both of us, as I love him with all my heart and he seemed genuinely upset about it too. we didn't have a fight or anything, he just said he thinks i love him more than he loves me and isn't sure if this is what he wants. when we left the place where we broke up, we were both very sad. yesterday i bumped into him, and he was very nice to me, we even chatted for a while about our school work. he just seemed very casual, relaxed and happy to see me. i plan on not contacting him for a while, but is this relationship already a lost cause if he seems all casual and treating me as a friend only a week after he left me? does this show that he actually never really cared enough about me?
There's a likelihood that he may be affected by the break up as much as you, but won't show it because he doesn't want you to see him as being weak. If you said that the break up was just as difficult for him as it was for you, then he probably hasn't moved on completely nor has he lost feelings for you. Also, the reason he gave you seems to come from a lack of self-esteem, and can't accept the fact that he's less into you than the other way around. Perhaps you could start off as being friends and letting him develop the feelings or take charge this time.
Hello guys this is testimony that this NC stuff absolutely works! Ryan you guys are geniuses dude. I got my girl back! I didn't think it was working at first and I panicked a lot during the whole NC process. She even started messing with her ex and one other person. So my advice if you really know and want your ex back then keep pushing everyone! it works with time. also focus on yourself. This website is very helpful. Now to Ryan.. thanks dude again. I do have one last thing I need your help with. I realized that she clearly didn't respect me or our relationship before because she was able to so easily start messing around with someone we both know and someone I didn't like. Yes we are together now and things have been great! My question is, how do I get her to respect me more? she has not done anything to disrespect me since we got back together , however I want to know how to build strong respect from her, so that she is loyal to me no matter what? if she had respect, she would have been loyal and not cross the line with other folks while we were broken up.
That's great to hear! Well to answer your question, respect is very subjective and the reason people start messing around with others isn't so much out of the lack of respect in my opinion, but when a need or requirement in the relationship isn't met, thus causing the person to seek it with someone else. It could either be physical needs, emotional needs, or others. If you want to avoid this happening in the future, you might need to ask yourself and think from her point of view and wonder why she cheated the first time around, and prevent it.
Hi,
I decided to chime in here quickly, according to Kris S the girl did not really "cheat" on him but rather "messed" with fellow guy he didn't like, AFTER the break-up. That act he considered unloyal and therefore he's feeling not respected. In this case, I would consider this as a rebound relationship in order to get over the relationship with you, Kris S, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Eventually she's free to do what she wants apfter the break-up and it has nothing to do with you but with her.
You are right, the respect thing in the relationship is a big issue and you should have a serious but calm discussion about it with her, in fact you both should let one another know what is important in order to make this new relationship a happy success for both of you. You don't wanna run into the same mess as before.
Prior to that though, ask yourself why she didn't show respect, it probably has got to do with the way you acted around her. If you were too needy in the previous relationship with her, you invited her to walk all over you. If that was the case, you will have to work on your masculine qualities and remove the needy behavior and instead present her with a more confident version of yourself. You should have done this work on you during the NC period.
Good luck!
My apologies, I must have missed that point. Yes, Dan is right. You shouldn't let what she did in the time you guys were broken up affect you, because she was free to do whatever she wanted back then. The important thing is that now she's with you, it doesn't continue to happen. If it's an issue that's bothering you, sit down and have a talk with her to tell her how you feel, and find a way to compromise so that respect for one another can be earned. As Dan had also mentioned, her lack of respect for you was probably attributed to the past relationship and how you acted. Ideally, if you followed no contact rule, you should have worked on those issues by now, and made some significant changes in your life which would change the way she views you.
You were broken up, she could choose who she wanted, as much as you could. Thats not something to hold over her head. You ask how you get her to respect you more? respect her too!. Also the no contact does not work out for everyone, so people please do not think she will come running back after no contact and that it is a done deal (as thats manipulative), she may think if you cared you would have contacted her before now. You know your ex better than anyone, judge by that not by someone else's relationship
Im a 35 female and was dating a 36 Year guy for three months. We met through a dating app. We had previously dated 2 years ago for a few months but things fizzled out. He lives an hour and a half away from me, We were in contact daily via texts and saw each other approx once every 7-10 days.
During a date I asked him if he felt ready to come off the dating app, be exclusive and see where things would go he said yes.
The next day he texted saying he was just out of a long term relationship with a girl he planned to marry.
He broke it off with her as she was not treating him right and he wasn't ready for a full on relationship right away.
Many texts went back and forth he stated he was in a bad place he is drinking too much and angry at his ex. he said his heart wasn't in it with me. He asked me to give him time, he said he wanted me to meet the real him and not the angry guy he is now. He wants to bring me on romantic weekends away and surprise dates when he gets his head straight. He stated he was only dating me and had no interest in dating sites. He asked me to give him time stating he really liked me. I asked him to delete any naughty texts etc we sent each other he said he was sad deleting them and would miss spending time with me. I did did not reply two hours later he texted again asking me to give him time and said please don't hate me. I told him to sort his head out and id look forward to meeting the real him but told him not to take too long. He said he wouldn't as he really liked me. All his messages were signed off with an x.
The next day i was quite confused and needed answers I texted and asked could we meet and talk face to face or via phone. He stated he was not ready to talk and needed time. I texted and said thanks I now know where I stand and wished him the best of luck in the future. He said thanks and he would be back to his normal self soon.
I am so confused and do not know where to go from here.
Am i just the rebound girl?
Does he really want me?
Is there anyway of getting him back?
I am going out in his home town in a few weeks (3 weeks after the last contact).
Should i contact him letting him know i am there??
Given the circumstances, he may either be currently unsure on how he feels about you and is trying to figure things out, or he may be pushing you away because something happened, in which case you'll have to figure which of the 2 it is. It's also surprising that he said yes to being exclusive but retracts it the very next day, stating that he has issues he wants to sort out first and not telling you about these things before hand.
He broke up with me over a month ago and i am still upset. I know he is not seeing anyone else and he knows i’m not either. When we broke up he told me he wants to be happy (he’s very depressed). He told me that he loves me way more than i love him and it’s just difficult to deal with that because i think that 2 people who love each other should be with together. we have been texting and it’s either very short or very long and we also have our location on for each other. we were together for almost 15 months and i see a future with him and he is fully aware that i would do anything to have him back. i want to see him so badly but i don’t think he wants to see me. He’s going through a lot of stuff like depression and he gets lost in his thoughts and this caused him to think i was cheating or lying to him or that i didn’t love him. I think cheating is disgusting and i’d never lie to him. He also can’t get over certain things.... such as him not being my first sexual partner which bothers me because i am a year older than him and it just bothers me that he doesn’t understand. all i want is for him to be happy but i also want him to be happy with me and i am so stuck. i asked him if he would ever come back and he said he doesn’t know. everyone keeps telling me to focus on myself and i can’t because i’m only focused on him and i really have hopes that we will get back together.
Given the circumstances, even if he moves on and dates someone else, he would not be happy and the same issues would occur. If he is genuinely depressed that it's affecting his happiness and daily life, you should strongly recommend he seeks help and go through therapy to recover as 'being there' alone would not be enough.
Your articles have been a big help. I (29 years old with past relationship experiences) met an almost divorced guy on dating app who lives in a city 700 miles away. I considered the dangers but it has been a while for him, he will be finally divorced in a month. We hit it off vert well, we discussed we were going fast, and we decided to continue but very slow. We mutually decided to meet also. The travel plan was for me to fly. And we booked the tickets 10 days in advance. On the day of flight, he messages me not to come. And then adds "Don't bother replying or calling. Have good luck." I suffer from severe anxiety and abandonment issues. So I was shocked but I still kept my cool, and tried to talk to him, figuring out what it means. He didn't say anything until after I cancelled my flight in the evening when he succinctly says he is sorry but it is overwhelming. Now I know it's more about him not being ready. But I also can't stop wondering that I could have gone more slow, and done more things to make sure he doesn't feel overwhelmed. But nevertheless he never replied anymore and it seems we are over. I am treating it as a break up. And plan to follow your suggestion of not contacting him for at least 30 days and then texting him. I have dated and been with some good men too with whom it just didn't work. So I know the different connections and with this man I see a future. Not in a desperate way where I will act out of fear but in a way I know it's a rare good connection. So I want it to work. When he is ready I want him to contact me. I want him to miss me, but like I said he is divorced and exactly after a month (my 30 day) is his divorce day. Now throughout our dating, he has always talked about his hardships about the whole divorce, once he was on call with me for 7 hours, on a divorce court date. He shared when he got the final divorce date too. So my question to you is that after my 30 day of no contact, it's that final divorce court date when he will be finally free as he puts it. Should I do my first text on that date? Or wait for a few more days? I must agree I am worried to lose him. Because I am a little odd person. It's rare for me to find a connection. I find it with him. But I remember your article about two kinds of people. I have worked hard at being the second kind, but my fears are very strong. So I am confused as to how I should approach the whole thing! Yesterday I was good in not texting him back a lot, until it was night when I sent two long messages spaced a few hours apart. Immediately after that he went invisible on whatsapp. I know it was for me. But I haven't messaged him at all after that and I will not. That's where your post helped me a lot. I really struggle in these kinds of situations. I do well if communication was very straight but it is not so often. I hope you can help me.
You could text him on that day, wishing him all the best and a comforting text, which may help break the ice and ease on the emotions he may be feeling. See how it works out from there, and continue accordingly.
Thank you. So you are saying it won't be a bad move considering his ex wife is going to be on his mind that day and it will be the end of an era? Will it not make him think that I am pouncing on him the moment he is available? Or it will come across as me being there for him on a hard day, irrepsective of what has happened between us? Is there a chance he will think I am inconsiderate to message him that day to bring myself into the day as well?
Also, this is slightly different than I thought I should do it. Based on what I should text him after the 30 day + few more for divorce date to go by mark, (based on your article) I have actually composed a message. The flow of the message is as follows:
How do you think of this message? And my assumption is that I can not pair this with being there for him message on divorce court date? Can I include some part of it? So should I ever send this?
I am sorry if my reply was not very coherent. I do realize that I should not be so worried about what to send, that a single message can make it or break it, but at the same time that is what your website is about, the reality is that it does make all the difference.
Thanks.
Thank you. So you are saying it won't be a bad move considering his ex wife is going to be on his mind that day and it will be the end of an era? Will it not make him think that I am pouncing on him the moment he is available? Or it will come across as me being there for him on a hard day, irrepsective of what has happened between us? Is there a chance he will think I am inconsiderate to message him that day to bring myself into the day as well?
Also, this is slightly different than I thought I should do it. Based on what I should text him after the 30 day + few more for divorce date to go by mark, (based on your article) I have actually composed a message. The flow of the message is as follows:
some incident that has happened over the last month, and it made me think of him, ....It is going to be a story about a cricket match, something between us. Then. Hey, how have you been?
I hope 13th was an okay day for you. You were in my thoughts. Congratulations on being a free man.
paragraph addressing half of the elephant in the room, that when he said he is overwhelmed, that respond overwhelmed me, and I didnt say those words but reacted in that way. I understand I am very scared of abandonment. I had a gut feeling of you backing out, hence I was walking on egg shells and did not even bring up the topic. Probably if I had, we would have had a different situation. That I have anxiety and I acted out of a place of fear when you said not to come without any explanation and to not call you too. Something to show my vulnerable side and how this time apart, I have thought about it. And it applies to us and that day's conversation. Without putting nay blame on him. (I do think that knowing I have anxiety he should have handled it better, what he did is the nmber one trigger for me, but I do not want to go there, and I am going to chalk it off to us still exploring each other.)
last paragraph about having the time to get perspective on how we are together and what do we mean to each other. And that it has shown me I like the simplest of things between us and I want us to have a second chance. I like how everyday was little better sharing it with him. Few things like I like to hear him giggle, or tell him about my dreams/jokes and him making fun of it, or discussing cricket or a movie or some random thing in the world or hear him talk passionaltely about his nephew or a theory he has or some political party's agenda. That I missed him. That I want him.
How do you think of this message? And my assumption is that I can not pair this with being there for him message on divorce court date? Can I include some part of it? So should I ever send this?
I am sorry if my reply was not very coherent. I do realize that I should not be so worried about what to send, that a single message can make it or break it, but at the same time that is what your website is about, the reality is that it does make all the difference.
Thanks.
The message seems fine. And I think texting him on that particular day is fine, because ultimately you bear no ill intentions. If the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would know where you're coming from, and that you simply wish to let him know that you'll be there for him.
hello kevin,
i am an 18 year old male, i broke up with my ex girlfriend almost 3 months ago, we was together almost 5 years, we had a strong bond but we went through an unfortunate abortion, during this situation she got attached to the baby im her stomach but wasnt finacially stable to take care of a child, her anxiety got really bad and she pushed me away and wouldnt let me near her, after almost a month of this she broke up with me stating that she had lost feelings and doesnt want to be with me anymore, we have broken up and got back together alot in the past, but this time is different, i acted irrational and constantly begged and stated how upset and lonely i was without her, i irratated her to the point of she blocked me on afew social medias, but she left 1 line of communication open via instagram, i often message her but she doesnt reply but she reads the messages, if she doesnt look at the message fast enough i panic and irratate her with more, she then replies with "Go away, leave me alone, move on i want you to" i ask her why we broke up and all she says is 'everything' thats all she says, i truley believe there is a chance but she is being too stubon to admit it, im really confused and in a bad place, there was never any cheating, im so worried that the no contact rule will not work, although if it doesnt im still in the same place im in now so what can get worse... i read alot of these getting ex back websites but im never really satisfied with the information as every situation is very different, i really do want her back, and the relationship will be great if i get the chance to reconcile it, im really in need of some help im looking forward to your help and also the no contact daily email help as i need as much help as i can get.
thank you so much
nathan whittaker
You will need to begin by sorting your thoughts out. Even if there's a chance, some distance is first required before re-initiating contact with your ex. Distance does not mean time frame of the breakup but rather, the amount of contact made during the particular time frame, and the changes you've made to impress her. Right now, she needs to deal with the emotional trauma of losing a child. She is pushing you away probably because you are unable to provide the emotional support she requires, and by constantly pestering her, you lower your own chances because she will eventually lose respect and feelings for you. I would still recommend no contact first, and to figure out where you need to grow as a person, before thinking about winning her back.
hey my boyfriend and I had just broken up 2 weeks ago after being together for 2 years, we have both 17. I'm from china but I study in the uk and thats how I met him. since I have got back after the break up, its been really difficult because I have to go to lessons and sit next to him. I feel so tempted to get back together or try to convince him back into a relationship. we both still care and love each other, but we couldnt be together because we argued way too much. I wanted to give it 2-3 months before we get back together so we both have got over all the negative stuff. do you think its a good idea? and how should I act around him when I know there is something more than just friends between us.
You could start with No contact and avoid making small talk with him for the time being. This article helps you deal with having to see your ex on a daily basis. Do that until you feel that you're not as affected by things, and start with initiating a casual friendship to see if there's still a spark, and whether the situation may be different this time compared to the previous relationship.
Sorry to send a direct email. I feel I need a serious support from you. I'm 50. We're having a wonderful relationship with the girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex to the fullest. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got the same. But due to some doubts about me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back and we started back normal. She is heading a division my company and I'm her boss. I brought her to my company to that position only after one year of the starting of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully and additional responsibility for secretarial assistance to me. We are able to spend a lot of time together in the office and our families also in the good relationship.
First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to worry her for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That was a very serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. she back again and normal. but so suspicious in every relation even with my relatives. it happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. she is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.
I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. in last December one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, i managed to get her back as my employee in my company. on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. now she is with me for my family as she needed there to run the company. she is not happy if care here more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.
But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all my motivation is surrounding her and I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. I'm ready to answer any of your questions. I need her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.
She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting every day at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.
You'll have to start by being more honest with her, and making an attempt at showing your sincerity at changing to convince her. She may not think of you as much towards you but it doesn't mean she has lost all feelings for you. If you really want her back, make those changes first, and let your actions show her that you're capable of doing so.
Ok, so me and my ex were together for three months. He is 16 and I am 19. We are both guys. So basically we had an huge fight during New Year's eve and broke up for two days. We decided to then to get back and try again, and then he decided that we would be better as just "friends" later on that weekend... He broke up with me because he didn't want to cut talking with a boy he met (and kissed) during New Year's eve... During the first the days after the break up he was acting like nothing happened or whatsover till I decided to use the whole "no contact" thing to him and then he asked to me go pick up my stuff on his house next week... So what should I do, is the any chance at all anymore or not.
As he is only 16, it could be very likely that he is still exploring his options which was why he did not want to stop talking to the new guy. There is a chance he still has feelings for you but isn't sure, but you should be mentally prepared to walk away because he might not be emotionally mature enough to be seriously invested in the people he chooses to date.
We broke up just a few days ago. The guy is younger and has no experience on relationships nor has he kissed someone before him... Before we broke up he said he wanted the same "magic" we had on the beggining... Should I cool for a month before trying something with him again, like even just a friendship
That depends on how long you have been dating him. If he is new to relationships, he might move on quickly if the relationship was a short one, as he is still in the exploratory stage, in which case if you want him back, give a shorter period of cooling before talking to him.
Kevin
Ihave been in love with this one Man for 25 years we were not together for 9 yrs got back together married was together for 8 years now we are divorced be a yr in March he is with someone else we have secretly been together 3 times since the break up and I actually work part time for the same person that he works full time for ee dont actually run into each other every day maybe once a week I love and very much inlove with him we have conquered so much and overcame so much in our time together I love him very much in love with him Just need advice if you can help. Thank you
Since you guys were once married, there's definitely a chance that he still loves you. But you have to clarify with him his intentions, and what he ultimately wants.
Hi,
Me and my ex are both 20 years old and were in a relationship for a year. about 3 weeks ago he brought up the thought of wanting to break up, which surprised me. during the next two weeks we were kinda on a break because he claimed as being confused about everything and didn't know what to do. then we met up again and he said he still isn't sure whether we should break up or be together. he said that he probably doesn't love me as much as i love him and that staying together might be a bad idea. i said that it's probably best if we break up if he isnt completely sure that he wants me. so it was a kind of a mutual decision but it felt like neither of us wanted to actually do it. it is also worth noting that we are both currently very stressed as we are busy with college. we haven't been in any contact for a week now so i don't know what he feels right now, but i still wish that he would realise what he did and that he would want me back. i plan on not contacting him for a few weeks but I am afraid that he will work on getting over me during this time. when we were dating we used to take the same train about once a week. should i normally go on that train and just act friendly if i see him or should i avoid seeing him for a while?
At the start, it might be better to avoid him so that you don't have to deal with the negative emotions. Continue with no contact and even if you do see him, you could acknowledge him, but do not engage in small talk for the time being.
Hi,
After being together for just shy of 7 years my boyfriend decided to end our relationship. I knew things hadn't been right for a couple of weeks leading up to this, he had become pretty distant, wasn't showing me any affection but we weren't arguing and everything else in the relationship was good. I eventually confronted him, and we had a conversation that lead to him admitting that whilst he still loved me his feelings towards me had changed and he needed his own space to work on himself. I moved out utterly heartbroken as I couldn't believe that after 7 years it would be that easy to end everything!
After a week of no real communication we got together for a chat where he said that he didn't want to cut me completely out of his life but didn't want a full-on relationship at the moment but proposed that we began dating again to see if we could “reignite the spark” with no real idea of where it might lead. It could lead to us getting back together it might not... but we would be exclusive to each other .
This conversation took place a week ago and I have seen him twice since then just to hang out really at our house and have been in contact by text every day. He today told me that he is going to be moving closer to his work and moving in with a colleague which means an hour’s drive away from me.
If I had it my way we wouldn't have broken up in the first place and would have instead tried to work through the issues but up until now every decision has been made for me which has been incredibly hard.
I now find myself wondering what the best way forward is, although he has given me some hope by saying that he still wants to date and try and rekindle the spark he has also crushed any hope I have by moving further away from me and saying that ok ye we’ll date but it might not actually lead to our relationship being given another go. I now find myself in this weird limbo where I don’t really know what to do and crying on a daily basis! I have read your article and have found it very helpful. Could you advice what you think would be best to do? Thanks.
Dating again to re-kindle the spark immediately after the breakup doesn't usually work well, because not enough time has passed since then for real changes to have been made for fresh feelings to develop. Additionally, old habits would still remain, and it could easily turn into a situation where you face all the problems of a relationship, but not the full benefits of it since you guys are only 'dating'. I suggest taking some time off to actually focus on yourself since he is doing the same, and gauge the situation again later on.
What should I need to do ? I am on day 8 of no contact it's really hard specially I am seeing him online all the time. We've been together for 7 years. But recently for the past 2 years we do not see each other in person due to long distance tho we've been seeing each other in webcam. We had some argument he keeps telling we are going to see each other in person but he never make plan. I find out Jan 1st this year he traveled to Dubai to spend vacation with Indonesian girl.(before that incident I caught him sexting with that girl, that Indonesian lady asking him to send her a porn he said they haven't see each other yet and the girl was virgin he said it was nothing ugh I'm so stupid to believe)
I'm so hurt because I've been longing to see him for 2 years but he never came back to see me in person. When I confronted him that I knew about that girl he said like this ;
"Stop texting me for 2 weeks I cannot take this"?
It would do you better to walk away from this since he has already prioritized another female over you and has even expressed his disinterest, which might have been caused by the loss of spark or interest after so many years.
Hy Ryan
There's this guy that had a crush on me,and i also loved him.We where in the same class.He's a shy type,he couldn't tell me his mind.people started calling me his name.we quarrelled cos he's friend also had feelings towards me.he once askd me if he (his frnd) luvs me and i said he doesn't.we both quarrelled cos he beared a girl's name.He blocked me on all social networks.It took us 10 months to reconcile.He came back first.bt right now he hasn't said anything to me abt dating.I want to know if he still luvs me
You could start by being friends with him first then finding out more from there.
Hello.
After 20 years and with shared custody, 2 boys.
I find it hard with no contakt. We going both to our soons sportsevent. She always choose to sit next to me. I keep it as formally as possible and just talk about our soons sport and school.
Anymore I should do?
You could follow this article for more guidance on having to see your ex on a constant basis.
Hi Ryan,
I was with my ex for 5 years. I broke up with him 6 months ago when I came to realize that I needed to work on my self confidence and he to work on his ability to show emotions. I applied NC without realizing it. He eventually reached out once per month in a friendly way, but nothing more than that.
I gave it 6 months time because I was scared that I was just afraid of being alone. Turns out, I really want him back and to spend the rest of my life with him. I've had a lot of self reflection.
He agreed to meet me and, at first, seemed really excited. We had a great first two hangouts. Then, on the third, I confessed that I wanted to get back together. I acted desperately, when I should have played it cool. He said he's enjoying focusing on himself right now and that it's not where he's at anymore. He didn't outright say it, but I'm afraid he's moved on.
Is it too late? What do I do now? This was one week ago and I'm devastated. I'm afraid too much time will pass and he will never want to get back together.
Thanks for your help.
Since it has been 6 months, he may have gotten used to the idea of life without you. That doesn't mean however that he's moved on. It isn't hopeless but if you really do want him back, you would have to re-create the spark with him so that he would fall for you once more.
Hi, Can you please delete the comment with Sascha up above. I can't delete my own comment, but I would not like it public. Thank you for your response.
Hello,
My name is Timea and I am 21 years old and had a long-distance relationship for 7 months. I am really glad that I have found your site, the NC wasn't so lonely and hard as I was expecting thanks to your advice. You helped me a lot and gave amazing tips, that gave me unexpected results, so thank you very much!
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago because of the distance and the fact that he has lost feelings for me (about this he wasn't really certain though...). I have accomplished NC succesfully and got in touch again with him in the begining of December. We started to have small talks, videochating occasionally and we have even achieved an active snap activity. However, recently, to be more exact, when going back to school he started to be distant and cold. I know that he has a lot of work as now he is in exam period, but he always replies short and almost after 24 or 16 hours, which is not typic of him.
I am concerned that he might got scared or started to keep distance because in the last 2 conversation I started to try to build up attraction. As he knows all my lady charm tricks, I think he figured out what I am trying to do... I feel the need of a break, so I have decided to give myself 2 weeks of free time, as I don't want to end up again desperate and needy, and I feel like these 2 weeks would be enough time for him to finish the exams and to get used again to the school life.
I would like to ask you if you could help me out with a piece of advise about how could I rebuild attraction without him realizing what I am doing? He knows my tricks and methods, so I would need new ones but don't have a clue what should I do to charm him but still be myself. I would like to build up at least a little bit of attraction till March, as I will be in his town for a week, and I know that that week will be decisive in what will happen next. Could you please give me some examples or a direction how should I approach him in a romantic way without scaring him?
Sometimes we're just so aware of how we're acting and the intentions we bring across that whatever we do becomes unnatural. It's important to be yourself at the end of the day and build up a bond without such 'motives' in mind. Remember how he fell for you the very first time. It wasn't because of motives but simply two people who connected and liked each other. That's how you should be going about things.
Hi Ryan,
He finished the exams but not writing anymore... I tried to text him, but he acted cold and careless, he also stopped to send or reply on snaps. I don't want to push him but also don't know what should I do? In April I am visiting in his town, but haven't told him about it as he acts like an ice-prince. Any advice what should I do now? I don't want to seem desperate and needy in front of him...
Is like went back to 0 or 0,5 as we know each other. This whole situation becomes weird, like he is trying to make me to boost out in words... It is frustrating. Could you please help?
Thank you very much
Hey Ryan, so I’m not worried that she’s seeing other people, atleast not yet. She didn’t date much before me and from everything I can tell, she isn’t dating much or at all right now. She initiated the breakup and asked to still be friends, but she’s got an icy demeanor towards me just about anytime we interact. She’s said that she’s mad at me but refuses to tell me what about. Something is bothering her but she’s not telling me and I promise I’m not calling her everyday, begging her or anything like that. It’s been a couple months like this and it’s after no contact ended, how can I get her to start communicating with me?
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said " no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
He does not seem emotionally capable of dealing with serious issues and would rather avoid it altogether, hence why he leaves you in a state of limbo because he himself doesn't want to deal with it. Sometimes in this case, it would be better for you to make the choice and stick with it because he may never do it on your behalf.
You mean I should move on because he can't tell me directly that he moved on and money issues its just exuses? Honestly I didn't get what you mean . What should I do in this case?
At this point, he may feel confused, maybe even having lost interest in you. But he does not want to deal with the thoughts and emotions of it. That's why he chooses to avoid this topic altogether whenever it is brought up, which may be reinforced by the fact that you do not pursue the matter whenever he says he isn't sure. If you do not wish to walk away from this relationship, you should not allow him to give you further 'I don't know's for an answer and ask him to tell you honestly how he feels.
Few months ago I asked him tell me truth and I'll walk away from you life , but he said I don't have an answer and if I'll deal my life's troubles I'll come to you to marry , but now live your life ...etc, then he was keeping in touch sometimes , and now just silence from him. I gave up and don't bothering him anymore too, I'm trying NC , also I disappeared from all my social nets, but I think it will useless in my case, he can't solve his difficulties
Hi Ryan, dude where are you? I really need your help. I’m really trying to not a mistake here man. It’s been maybe half a month since the NC.. it’s been working like a charm.. couples days ago my ex sees me at work and days I looked good and like I’ve changed..also that I was happy. She text me that same day saying how much she missed my presence in her life, how she missed her best friend. I didn’t respond and then she text me a photo saying remember the good times.. also said she was going thru her phone deleting pics of us and didn’t know which to keep. I then replied I miss you too. We started chatting back in forth and remembering all the good things. She texted me all night. Then the next day says she loves me and misses.. I tell her too. We talked a lot about how much we loved one another. Don’t know if that was a right move ..yesterday she sends me a message at work that was a song. “Baby while were young , let’s do what we want, I want you, you’re mine and I don’t care who’s know it, I’m down for you” just a few things she sent me! I’m confused because after work I waited to talk with her but she ran out quickly and I’m sure when went to meet up with someone else. She didn’t go home last night. She also didn’t text me anymore.. so confusing what’s going on.. not sure what to do or expect! Please help dude! I really want her back and I can’t tell if I messed up the NC rule. She definitely has been seeing someone else lately. Please write me back soon.. she wants to me up tonight to go eat. Don’t know if I should go
I don't think you messed up NC, but rather she's confused right now over what she wants. It might be a good idea to find out more, since NC is complete and if she isn't that serious with whoever she's going out with, I think still winning her back would be the right move.
My ex texted me Merry Christmas on 23Dec, I replied Thank you. Later, he updated his status and unblocked his page to me. His status told me He's sick, should take medicines - those I bought for him. I read all of the status and decided to let him go, that's why I texted him Farewell, wished him all the best. He replied "thank you and he's not with anyone now". On receiving the messages, I started the NC since then. On 30Dec he texted me Happy New Year, I waited 1 day to check it and didnt respond. Since Christmas, I updated my page with fun and neutral info, showing how I enjoyed the holidays. On Jan2, he liked one of my status. I'm confused. I've been struggling before the no contact to live the life before him, now I still suffer. What should I do next? I once imagined my life without him, felt very bad and hurtful, but got to the point that I should accept it.
You'll have to decide if you still want him back. Since you've been on no contact, complete it first. It would seem like he does miss you to some extent so you could always contact him again when you feel ready.
Hey, Ryan.
My boyfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago. Our relationship lasted for 2 years. At first, he said he wanted some time and space. And then suddenly, he broke up with me and told me that he wants to spend his with his family and friends. I also think that all the bad memories of us were the only ones that stayed on his mind. He blocked me on all social media sites and also my number. We just talked yesterday and talk about the things that didn't work out. He also told me that he'd unblock me and work out on being friends. I'm planning on starting NC but we have the same circle of friends where we see each other often and we work together, what do you suggest that I would do? How can I make him miss me and realize all the good things that has happened to us.
Since you work together, it would be good to show him how well you're doing and how happy you are whenever he sees you. This is similar to displaying it on social media during the no contact period of the changes you've made to yourself except in real life.
Hello!
Me and my boyfriend broke up about a week ago. He's in high school still and I'm a freshman in college. We were together for 10 months and I still have such strong feelings for him.
He broke up with me because we had been arguing for about 3 weeks on and off and he is not willing to forgive me for that, and he didn't like the fact that I was being harsh with him. I recognize that I was, but there have been periods of time when he's been cold towards me too and I forgave him and moved on.
He doesn't want to talk much about the breakup or the reasons, he's never been one to open up and share his feelings, but he says there's no going back from what happened. Yet, when I ask him if he sees a possibility of us working out in the long term, he says yes. I can't tell if he means that or is just saying it, but what should I do to get him back in the long term? I have already broken the rule of trying to convince him and have tried remaining in contact with him, but I am going to stop contacting him completely now.
That's good Emily, initiate No Contact first and give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions or thoughts. He may very well be serious about the possibility of working out, but that's definitely not something that can be achieved right now.
My ex and I have been talking ever so slightly lately but nothing substantial. About a month ago I asked her in person if she was mad at me and she said yes bc of stuff I said to another person. She didn’t tell me what I said or who I said it to. Honestly I have no clue. She added how she thought it was funny how I said that we would get back together one day(she dumped me) but that I closed the door on us even being friends. She’s only 23 and I’m the only person she dated. I’m having a hard time getting her to talk to me about it. A bit afraid to ask her in person bc she’s always surrounded with her friends at work and don’t feel it’s appropriate to show up at her home. She won’t reply to a text that involves talking about why she’s upset. What do I do? What are my options here?
Well if she's not willing to talk about it at the moment, it's better to give her the space she needs for now. Give her some time before you consider talking to her once more.
Hello, Happy New Years! I’m a little nervous. Just held out for a party and was checking my snaps and noticed my ex who I am actively trying to get back is out at a party. Noticed a mutual female friend had similar snaps and realized my ex is at our mutual friends house. The mutual friend has a brother who I know is attracted to my ex and my ex is attracted to him too. My ex is 23 and the guy is only 16 or 17 but I’ve seen them flirt since we broke up and I have a feeling if he was older she’d be open to the idea of going out with him, but nervous there’s going to be flirting that might end in a kiss at midnight or further feelings developing. I know there’s nothing I can do to prevent that, but please advise how I can process the possibility and if something was to happen, which I would probably not find out about. How do I keep my cool moving forward? We have been broken up for a few months now with minimal contact. Please advise.
Depending on how it went, my suggestion would be to continue without contact and potentially move on. If you feel this way, it means you aren't over her yet, but she's starting to date other people so it's better for you not to linger behind or you'll be feeling affected every time you see her with another guy.
hi kelvin,based on your reply am editing my comment and so please i need your help now please.what is the red sign kelvin last time i saw on my comment thank you
I've been through 3 years with my ex girlfriend. We were having a good time before and discuss about our future and last 3 months she just texted that she's sure that she wanted to marry me. And yet suddenly something happen 1 week after her birthday party. At that time i found shes hiding our photo in instagram then i ask her why you do that ? Why you hide me in your social media. Then she found her reason that a week after she say that she needs a break. Than the reason is she feels bored and wanted to be alone. And im being needy at that time.i just keep asking her to go with this relationship despite we are too deep inside. With her and her family.
Then she say she dont want to and 1 week after my sister bday i ask her sister where she could be ? Because my sister invited her to my sister birthday party and she dont even reply it. Then suddenly at night she texted me that why you texted my family. Now everybody know and she tell me that she cant be with me anymore because we keep arguing and stuff. And she say for now she cant be in a relationship kind of thing.
Its been 6 weeks after we broke up and i do the no contact kind of thing.
Ive wanted to reached her out first. What do you suggest me to do? Please i need help !!
My suggestion is to either write her a letter or drop her a text. You can find ways to reach out to her using text with this article
OK I will start with my flaws.
am a very inquisitive person, and jealous as well.
we have been dating for 2 years 8 months..
we have been fine all along, we tell ourselves every thing,
we graduated from the same high school.
we have been pretty OK till she started a programme.
she's on a year programe in another city, we see once in a month. which isn't enough closure for me. she's been on this program for about 5months now. I feel due to this she lost attraction towards me, as we only see once a month, and our calls or texts ended up in arguments.
so how we broke up.
she came over a weekend to the city am in, and lied she wasnt coming that weekend.
I found out, and started calling her all sort of names, insults and all.
she then told me she didn't want to tell me about her coming cause I would have pressured her to see me, which wasn't part of her plans.
and due to the Insults. she broke up with me.
we still talk, we chart, but I initiate the conversations. she replies normally and end it with,hope you know we not coming back together.
when she came back for the Xmas/new year, we saw, she asked me to bring over food and drinks on Xmas day, I did, I kissed her but lightly, and said our good nights, cause I didn't want to push it far.
the next day was her birthday.
I decided to take her out.
we ate and talked about us, she was still defensive with her wanting to break up, on our way home, I asked for a kiss in a transportation vehicle and she looked at me in the eyes and pecked my lips.
which is rare cause she's shy in public places.
I walked her home while we did chart, and she told me we can't be doing clingy things as she's looking forward to moving on. and can't do all this when she finds a new man.
I told her I loved her and am not giving up on us, and I would change My ways of been to inquisitive and jealous and I left.
the next day she uploads a picture we took of her and said thanx bae for picking out my dress. I asked her who she was calling bae, and she said a friend of hers , he calls her bae but they are just friends.
I asked her sister if she knew about the guy and she said, my girlfriend told her she was only using that to push me away.
3days later she's still talking about breaking up with me.
she's OK with me going over her place to see her when I ask to see her. but we just tend to hang around her street and talk. which isn't so comfortable for me if you know what I mean.
and when ever I asked her to come over my place she disagrees.
what do I do
I love her so much
I mean we don't get to see commited girls this days or a good dedicated one
I really care and want her back
she's going back soon to start her program after the new year
what do I do
Take things slow, and don't pressure her to get back together if she isn't ready. Work on your issues and prove to her that you can be the man she wants you to be and things would probably work itself out from there.
hi kelvin, I broke with my boyfriend before six months after long relationship means five years he is 27 and am 28. we live in distant to work and only met to holiday and to break.we had no any sex history during those years I said to him sex must be after marriage and he said ok .before a year I said to him i don't want him anymore but not from my bottom but the reason was we were in distant specially I was working in harsh environment plus and community and i was always want him in my side means I was always waiting my boyfriend to visit me but he was always busy this was the reason. and his friend call me and ask why i became like this and i understood my fault and I was calling to him but he was ignoring me and one day he was picking my calls and we were talk and regret each other and i back to my family to searching job and within two months we dated only two days but I need more date with him but he was busy and I was going to his work place and asking him why ignoring my calls and he said that he need clear cut I said why and we're plan to date and to talk about it but we didn't met. As he said now he was waiting my calls first but I was trying but he ignoring me after that I always messaged to him but no respond and again I was going to his work place with gifts he was surprised and dated to the next day and we did and I was asking why he was ignoring my calls he said he don't want me any more he need freedom without stress and expose him self new hobbies like smoking cigarette ,drunk alcohol and chewing stimulate plants and i did no contact to 30 days and i did text to him no respond and what can I do next
I had a girlfriend of 4 years that started right before we both attended college. The sex was great, relationship was awesome, we both were givers. We even made it work while she attended school 7 1/2 hours away for an entire year. I recently moved 4 hours away for a job and as soon as I did, the relationship took a turn. It was a pain to get her to come visit me, and whenever I went and visited her I always had to hang with her and her friends. No alone time. We kept getting in fights and eventually she ended it by saying she wasn't in love with me anymore. I went nuts for a few weeks until I found your work and initiated NC. She got back in touch with me after a few weeks and I arranged a date.
The date went very well (she did most of the talking) and we went to a few places afterwards. Eventually, she dropped a hint that she wanted to go to her apartment. While there we had plenty of alone time and she put herself in multiple situations where things could happen but was not exhibiting any obvious signs. She did this the rest of the night and it confused the hell out of me.
A few days later she got in contact with me and I arranged another date. Breakfast was all I could do due to me leaving for home. It went well. So well, that she wanted to see me once more before I left. On this date she mentioned that she would be in my city in April, and that we should get drinks when she's there. Once again, no signs that she wanted to be kissed during this date either. She even said "I know you want to kiss me, but it's not going to happen" and I was kind of bummed. I followed her to the interstate and before I got on it I decided to try my luck and I told her to pull over. She said "No, I know you want to kiss me and it's not happening" so I kept my cool. On the way home, she called me and I mentioned to her that she could come out to my place to visit me next weekend. As soon as I said this, she got very angry and told me that the dates were just to "keep our friendship" and that we aren't dating anymore. She went on to tell me she had already slept with another guy. I kept my composure as best as I could but needless to say this really confused me. Where did I go wrong?
She could be confused still, unable to let go of the past, or perhaps she wants to start off as friends first and is trying to see how she still feels about you. There could also be the last option that she really just wants to maintain a friendship with you and is over you already. I suggest you take things at face value for now since it would be easier compared to second guessing at every turn. Just continue to build up a friendship and bond, before seeing how things go from there. Don't be too impatient or you would push her away completely.
Its been 2 weeks ive started the no contact rule. I broke it once on Christmas day wishing her a merry Christmas. She didn't reply ive left it alone. Just wondering how long untill i make contact with her again and ive make successful changes and avhieved my goals I've made.. just want to know how to approach and what to say to her.. Regards Theo Thanks.
Hello,
It’s been a little over three months since my ex and I broke up. I’ve completed no contact and given my ex space, a task someone difficult because we work together. I never begged or been pushy did the right moves based on advice given on here and other places. She’s still will barely talk to me and will barely reply to text messages. Typically she’ll reply to the initial message, but getting a second reply doesn’t happen much. Back in September I purchased a Christmas gift for her and even though we broke up I still sent it to her on Friday. She replied thank you for the gift. You didn’t need to. Merry Christmas! Attached to the gift was a clean slate letter. She made no mention of it. I told her she was welcome for the gift. I asked her if she was going to be up for talking soon to clear the air. She never replied back. She isn’t seeing anyone, nor did we have a bad breakup. Since the breakup I have found out that she is mad at me about something I said but I don’t know what I said or who I said it to and she won’t tell me. We’ve had some positive interactions as of late at work, but she’s got a wall so high up now. Where do I go from here? Three months, no contact completed, clean slate letter given, space given, showed activity on social media sites as well and not much recoconcilation has occurred. What can I do? Or is it time to accept the fact that I’m not going to get her back?
Hi ive been dating my partner for 6 months now. Everything was going perfect for us both.she fell pregnant and i proposed and we got engaged what we both wanted we were both so happy.she decided to have an abortion due to we both wernt financially stable and didnt plan the pregnancy.its was an emotional time for both of us individually. I unfortunately didnt show her support or comfort her during this life changing experience and i made a regretful unmeanful decision and broke up with her.we have been separated for 2 months now and we meet up a month ago caught up for 2 days she mentioned her feelings we still there altho she doesnt want any comments on a relationship at this stage. Until i become more stable and fix some issues i have in my life.I have acknowledged my behavior as i was expressing my hurt emotions and feelings towards her and i begged alittle and didny get me anywhere.. she isnt respondingto my messages or call I've respect our situation and havnt its been bit over 2 weeks ive made no contact,until Christmas day i wished her a merry Christmas i didnt get a reply. Im making positive changes in my life and improving my issues. I need some professional guidance and advice aswell as steps to reconnect with my ex.. I sincerely appreciate your understanding and support. Regards Theo
Hey,
So my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago after a 3 months relationship & several months of talking & getting to know each other really well (starting in the summer but wasn’t a fling). He is 24, I am 21, we felt serious, he would mention marriage. We had many common goals & other things & he loved that. Commitment/marriage seemed serious to him, he was all about values & didn’t like relationships where he wasn’t sure about marriage (I was a little hesitant about it). I was getting out of a breakup as well & vented to him a lot in the first 1-2 months/I mentioned the ex sometimes which he didn't like & looking back I shouldn't have done.
We're both in school so things started to get stressful a month in. We fought once a week then multiple times a week, all on text. I feel we started to focus on positive things less, he said he didn't feel connected as much but everytime we saw each other, it's like we hadn't fought. We both acknowledged we couldn't see each other to work things out as much. After another fight, he broke it off, saying we fought too much, didn't feel trust, school/finals stress, & that we should take a break. We kept talking for like 2 weeks after saying we could work things out & even saw each other a week after the breakup. It felt like we still really wanted to make it work. That last time I saw him, he mentioned this classmate who he was talking about past relationships with (including ours) & I didn't like it but didn't think anything of it. She is 18 & he said he’d never be interested in her since she’s young, stuck-up, & have nothing in common. I mentioned a guy my friend was trying to set me up with to help me move on (I told my ex I wasn't interested) but he didn't like it. A week later, we got into the worst fight after my other ex messaged me after months (but I told him I denied him) then we didn’t talk for 2.5 weeks.
So then I see a picture on insta of him & that girl & messaged him finding out they started dating less than a week after our last fight because “they just clicked” & right after finals he went to her house out of state & met her parents (she is rich & apparently has her own house). He said they really like each other but don’t love each other yet & isn’t even thinking about marriage. I told him it didn't make sense why he's with her & he said he had a change of heart/things happened fast. We had an ugly fight after that because I was so angry, it was the worst one & he said that’s why he left me. I made a lot of mistakes, really seeming needy but he’s blocked me on everything telling me he really likes her & I need to respect that. I said I did & just wanted to talk/be friends (which he said too) but he’s blocked me. I think it’s a rebound but he broke up with a girl like a month before meeting me & he says he completely shuts out exes. It doesn’t seem like they match but that he really likes her. I don’t know what to do but just really want him back since I’m committed to him but I feel like the more they’re together, they’ll fall in love & I’ve already made myself look like a fool. Help!
Thank you!
Start by not contacting him any further. Apply No contact to give yourself some distance from the situation and to give him space. Spend this time to work on yourself and improve your life. Right now he is dating someone else, and you should not interfere, because it will lead to him thinking you're desperate and start getting annoyed or resentful towards you. If you really want to be with him, you'll have to wait until he contacts you first, or if they break up. Doing anything now related to him will only push him further away from you.
Hi,sorry if my english is bad, but it isn't my first language.
I'm 26, and he is 27 years old. We were together for 9 months and I meet his friends and family.
7 days ago he broke up with me. Reason for breaking up was that he doesn't have time for me, that he isn't sure what he wants, maybe it's other girls, but he has everything he wants with me, so he needs time to think. But I think that he has someone else now.
Few days after the break up he sent me a message that he is thinking of me every day, and i replyed to him after an hour that i'm glad that it's like that.
I know where i was making mistake in our relationship, i was always there and available for him, almost like i didn't have my own life. Now I don't know how to repair mistake and how to get him back?
Thank you
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue. We've been slowly declining for a while, and I would bring up the fact that I felt like things weren't going good all the time, but he always ignored my pleas for better communication. It finally came to a head and I broke up with him, and then quickly took it back the next day and we decided to get back together. Things seemed to be going really well and then he broke up with me, also saying he needs time and space. During these 2 weeks I've come to realize that a lot of the problems were me. I was so emotionally dependent on him, and I would turn negative if I couldn't be with him. He was my source of happiness and I didn't realize that until that was gone. I've been working on recognizing my problems and fixing them, because in the end I want him back. I really believe that now that I know what the problems were that he never told me during the relationship, if we were to try again, it would be really successful. I broke no contact a few times and was regrettably desperate in asking for him to come back and work on things, to which he kept saying he needs time and space and he's taking that for himself. I don't know if I should wait for him to reach out since I've reached out so many times (but will not anymore!!) But I'm afraid he won't and will just move on without me. The fact that he said he needs time and space makes me believe like he wants to revisit the idea of us getting back together, but that may just be me overthinking it. I just want him to see all the progressive I have been making so he can realize even though I may have lost my way and gotten too attached, my intentions were always pure and my love was always real. How do I get him back?
I would suggest completing No Contact first and if he doesn't contact you during this period, to initiate contact once again after the period has ended.
Hello,
So here's my situation. I've had a relationship for the past 3.5 years. For a long time prior to those years she had a huge crush on me, but i never really did anything with it. Even still we got together. During the relationship i never really felt i was truly in love with her, at least i thought so. But i also need to mention that i was smoking weed on a daily basis. (She hated that) Which resulted in me not to be able to express my feelings in the right way, or even to be having' feelings. During this time i was unemployed and living in her house pretty much rent-free, and even still she was the sweetest girl in the world for me. (make's me sick to my stomach even thinking about that now) I was a really selfish guy over the years, never surprised her or anything like that and have been taking' her for granted During the entire relationship. Never really considered her feelings. (Again, sick to my stomach) So due to text messages she started building a emotionally relationship with some guy she met a bar way back before our relationship. Can't really blame her for that giving the fact i was emotionally unavailable due to smoking weed. It always stayed with text messaging she claims and i believe her. This lasted from May to August. I forgave her. Last September we've been on holiday together, for here it was a sort of last attempt to save our relationship. Which i didn't knew at the time. So i continued in my own selfish ways, and continued smoking weed. She was slipping right from under my nose and i didn't even noticed. After the holiday we've stayed together until November 10th which is when she dumped me. Again, cant blame her, thinking back i am surprised she even last this long with me. Since then i have stopped smoking weed, cant even stand the smell of it, got a job, and starting to express my emotions again. Needless to say that i want her back, in fact i feel like im in love with her. She says its to late, that she really would want it but that her feelings for me has changed. However, she does keep contacting me, even send some nudes and stuff like that but still don't want te be in a relationship anymore. Also does she really badly wants to stay friends and gets really upset if i suggest to brake contact, just because i cant handle this form of contact we are having right now, simply because i want her back so badly. Do think NC will do the trick? I've been trying it 2 times already but never got past 2/3 days as she keeps calling/texting me and i feel bad for her and cave. And its hard for me as well of course. Sorry for my English, im from Europe.
Kind regards,
Woodzs
NC would help because right now although she's still in contact with you, the fact remains the same that she won't give you another shot. You have to give her some time to change that train of thought and by showing her you've changed. This is hard to see when she's still in constant contact with you. Complete NC and work on your issues before coming back and asking her for a second chance.
My ex ended things 2 weeks ago. Initially he said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship anymore and needed to think about things but didn't want to end things completely. At first he was lovely, reassuring me he still cared about me it was just a case of timing and wanted to stay in contact whilst he figured things out. But I pressured him into making a decision the more I text the more annoyed he got and ended things completely. Initially I made the mistake of trying to change his mind, he reluctantly replied at first but the stopped responding completely. I started NC 2 weeks ago and then today he deleted me off all social media. I panicked and messaged him asking how his Christmas was, he read and didn't respond. I don't know what him deleting me means and what I should do about it? Should I re start no contact or is this his way of saying he's moved on? We are both in our 20's and were together for 2 months.
You guys weren't together for a long time so him moving on would be dependent on how meaningful the 2 months were. Typically someone blocking you would be his way of wanting to avoid you, and this could because you were acting needy by trying to change his mind. Continue with NC but spend this time to work on your issues, and at the end of it, if he has unblocked you, you could try initiating contact to see where he stands. Bear in mind that there is a small likelihood he has moved on already due to the length of the relationship, and may have blocked you as a way of 'indicating' those feelings.
Thank you for your reply, he has not blocked me just deleted me, I got the impression that it was out of anger but I’m not sure. He has not blocked my phone number so should I message when NC is over?
Yes, you should.
Hey.
My ex and I have been together for 6 months and he broke up with me last Saturday over the phone. We were each other's first loves. We've had the 'Honeymoon' phase but from around 2 months into the relationship up until our recent breakup, we've been having arguments based on jealousy, mistrust and miscommunications. We would make up the day after the argument and be good then have another argument a few days later. Most of the arguments were started by me due to my overthinking, insecurities and accusations. We broke up once in September over some trust issues and an argument, but got back together after a week. He said he needed time off to forget the pain and it was him who apologised asked me back. Anyway, this time we've had constant arguments for a week straight before the breakup, he said the mistrust and me always starting shit was too much for him and that he's lost the attraction for me. I haven't been needy after the breakup and haven't done any of the 5 things to avoid. I have took time to reflect on my behaviours and realised my mistakes. I really wish we could start again. I've only texted him 2 days after the breakup, saying "hey" and asking him how he is. He responded rather quick and said he's "decent". I haven't texted him back ever since and neither did he. Should I start the NC period now? And for how long should it last? Is there anything else I can do to contribute towards getting back together?
Regards.
Since you guys shared a meaningful relationship, there would be a chance for you guys getting back together but you have to work on those issues first or the same problems would occur again. I suggest applying NC and spending time and focus on those issues like trust, insecurities and overthinking. Understand why you feel this way and try to change it. The best thing you can contribute in getting back together is to change yourself as that's always the most effective.
Hi Kevin. Ive been dating this girl for 6months everything was moving perfect for us both. She fell pregnant and i proposed to her and we were engaged. She decided to have an abortion due to finacially we both wernt stable and ready. I was abit emotionally about the abortion as she was assell experiencing a life changing procedure. Things became abit difficult both of us dealing with our emotions and feelings at the time.I made the wrong regretful decision by ending it and i unfortunately didnt show her support an comfort. Its been extremely hard an difficult dealing with this whole situation. Its nearly been 2 months we nearly been separated for now.she says i need to fix my issues and become stable and she doesnt want no relationship at this stage.. which im coming to terms of and making positive changes in my life..its been just over 2 weeks i havnt contacted her until yesterday wishing her merry Christmas but no reply.. so ive just left it.. Deep down i sincerely love this girl with my entire heart and i would appreciate advice and guidience aswell as steps to reconnect with her.kind regards.
If you guys have been broken up for about 2 months since, and she still has not replied you,you might have to consider the fact that she has moved on. If you're prepared to wait it out and chase her again, then I suggest giving her a little more time before you try reconnecting once again.
I don't believe she has moved on.. after our break up we were still incontact an evan meet up for dinner ect. Its been just over 2 weeks she has asked me to concentrate on myself and make successful positive changes and she not making commitments for a relationship at this stage. How long should u wait until i make contact via email and how to write a letter and what to say? Regards Theo
Its been 2 weeks ive started the no contact rule. I broke it once on Christmas day wishing her a merry Christmas. She didn't reply ive left it alone. Just wondering how long untill i make contact with her again and ive make successful changes and avhieved my goals I've made.. just want to know how to approach and what to say to her.. Regards Theo Thanks.
You should wait until you've completed NC at least before writing her a letter or an email. You can refer to this article on what you should do after no contact has ended.
Hi! I broked up with my boyfriend one month and a week ago, I broked up with him because he became distant with no reason, he was being very dry with me and I always asked him if I was being a good girlfriend and he always said that I was perfect. We didn't have any problems during our relationship of 3 months. So, I broked up with him through a text "I don't want to be with you anymore" and he replied that it was a good relationship but we were having many issues and that life made it complicated, so it was better to break up. I don't know if I want him back because he became distant out of the blue, he didn't call me or text me as much as before and he said "he was busy with his job" but I knew he had free time. I just want to know why he didn't want to be with me if things were going well between us, I don't know what my mistake was. I haven't talked to him since we broked up, I deleted him from social media that day because I didn't want him to talk to me. What did I do wrong in the relationship? Should I text him or should I let it go? Thank you, merry Christmas!!
It could be that there were things he didn't feel okay about but never shared with you, or it could have been completely for no reason and he started taking the relationship for granted (hence the lack of effort), which is common for many relationships that have gotten too comfortable. If you really want to know, I suggest speaking to him and asking him to be honest.
Hey,my long distance boyfriend just broke up with me after an ugly fight. He is working and I am a final year student. He thinks that I am not serious about my career and so instead of being with him, I should focus on that. But I am not able to get over him. I am working pretty well in my career but he doesn't understand. Also, he always comes up with an excuse of not having time as he is busy with his office stuff. But as I said, I love him a lot. I am going to his city next week for an interview. Please suggest me if I should meet him and fix things or not.
You first have to understand if him saying that you're unable to focus on your career is a legitimate worry he has or if it's an excuse to end things. That would determine if you should contact him, because if it's a real concern he has, and you are able to convince him that you can stay focused and still be with him, then you should try to fix things.
Hi,
Going through a current period of separation from a 5 year relation ship and found this website very helpful indeed. I moved out after 8 months of abuse largely control , emotional and eventual physical against me. It was a slow painful devaluaion and discard.
I have sustained a period of 30 days and now looking at trying again. I have identified several areas where i have needed to change and continued to develop. Some of these no doubt contributed to the split.
She initiated split via text and was particularly mean. I ignored a subsequent 2 calls. Was then told that it was me that have given up. Very confusing.
She hasn't moved on as far as I am aware but made signs that she was starting to get used to being "single" Therefore I consider this point in time the final attempt to salvage. I have dug deep and think she is worth it but want to avoid a repeat. She Will not firmly say it is over and avoids all discussion and attempts to get third party assistance or support. She still states she did nothing wrong. I think there could be undiagnosed mental health issues as the theme throughout the relationship has been there, just not quite right.
If she is not prepared to address some of her issues should i walk away. Or should after 5 years make a commitment to show I am serious and demonstrate my willingness to adapt.
Thanks
Everyone deserves to be happy and you shouldn't settle for less just because you've 'invested 5 years into the relationship and it would be a shame to give it up'. If you genuinely want to give it another shot, go ahead, but if the abuse continues and she does not change, I would suggest you be fair to yourself and walk away.
It’s been a little over three months since my ex and I broke up. I’ve completed no contact, given her space , never begged or been pushy did the right moves based on advice given on here and other places. She’s still will barely talk to me (we work together) and will barely reply to text messages. Back in September I purchased a Christmas gift for her and even though we broke up I still sent it to her on Friday. She replied thank you for the gift. You didn’t need to. Merry Christmas! Attached to the gift was a clean slate letter. She made no mention of it. I told her she was welcome for the gift. I asked her if she was going to be up for talking soon to clear the air. She never replied back. She isn’t seeing anyone, nor did we have a bad breakup. Since the breakup I have found out that she is mad at me about something I said but I don’t know what I said or who I said it to and she won’t tell me. We’ve had some positive interactions as of late at work, but she’s got a wall so high up now. Where do I go from here? Three months, no contact completed, clean slate letter given, space given, showed activity on social media sites as well and not much recoconcilation has occurred. What can I do? Or is it time to accept the fact that I’m not going to get her back?
Please am waiting your reply i didn't found it
Hi,
If your comment wasn't approved, it was probably because it didn't meet our comment guidelines.
Hi there I need your help. My girlfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. We pretty much argued a lot lately and she and I both had enough. I broke up with her in aug and we got back together. We pretty much argue about the same things. One major problem being her ex (child father) he would send her explicit things and we argued about that and the fact every chance he got he was hitting on her. To me she always made excuses for him saying take couldn’t block him or stop him because they had to communicate for child. To me seemed that she like him chasing her. She said I didn’t trust her but I’ve caught her in so many lies. Another large problem was she would sometimes lie about things..I couldn’t trust her which is one reason I didn’t want her communicating with oneone else. She said I was jealous and have a bad attitude. I felt she made me have one by not respecting our relationship and by entertaining other people. Anyways.. she broke up with me recently and says we will never work.. she said I didn’t care about her health or financial issues .. but lately she has me been pushing me away.. we work together so it’s hard to avoid her. I love her and want her back. We hit a bad patch and I’m willing to change. She has been flirting openly with another Co worker which I told her was disrespectful. Also same day we broke up I found out she slept with her ex. She denied it at first until I provided proof. I’m not innocent, I did flirt with someone else in her face while we were together to show her how it feels.. she hated but that was my point. I didn’t want her to break up with me..When we first broke up I didn’t everything this website said not to do. I even I friended her in Facebook which really pissed her off and she blocked my phone#. It’s only been 2 1/2 days since I’ve done the no contact things.. it’s driving me crazy and I can’t tell where her head is. I feel like I should be chasing her. Is this too far gone? Can I get her back?? So I leave it alone? It’s driving me crazy not being with her and not knowing what she is doing with other people
If you can't trust her right now, and there are major issues with the relationship, even chasing her and getting her back now would yield the same result as the previous time (in August). If you get back together with her, ideally you want the relationship to be better than before, not the same or what's the point? THIS is why you should leave it alone for now and disregard whatever your instincts are telling you because it isn't the way to win her back or sustain a lasting relationship. Work on your issues first and complete NC, then win her back with the changed you.
Hi thanks for the great advice! Also it’s hard with the NC rule due to we work together. Just today I talked with her for the first time in 4 days only because I have to at work. Although I said hello and merry Christmas, it was still strictly only work related . She was very dry with me even though it was only work related.
I understand it can be hard if you have to see your ex at work on a daily basis, however just proceed normally with your life as you normally would and avoid her unless necessary. It's unavoidable to have to come into contact and continue to talk to her about work related topics, but since she is acting dry, do not engage in any small talk beyond that.
Hi the NC seems to be working. At work she told me she misses me and missed my kisses. She also hinted of wanting to get back together. What should I do? Should I continue the NC rule? or just go with the flow ?
Hi Ryan, just a little update. Yesterday towards the end of work shift my ex talked. Wasn't my choice and was kind hard to avoid. She asked me to return a couple shirts of her ( shirts she only asked about when we broke up) I returned a couple shirts to her, only ones I could find. yesterday she insisted I had one more shirt and ask when could she have it or if I was keeping for memories. It was like she wanted to make small talk. I simply said I has not seen any more shirt and she became upset. tried to even argue with me about it. I was calm and cool the whole time. She said " smh, some things never change" I didn't understand why she was making a big deal out of nothing. anyways she ended being upset with me again for nothing. I feel like ive changed a lot. I kept cool and tried not to argue. I could tell she missed me and may have even been upset because I have not been contacting her at all. Not sure why it went left so quick. Help!
She could have probably gotten upset because she was expecting you to respond sweetly, since she hinted that you were keeping onto her shirt for memories and she probably wanted you to say yes.
Since she has felt this way, you could slowly warm back up to her. However, I would suggest continuing with NC because it may be too soon for changes to have occurred in both your lives, so if you guys get back together, the same issue might eventually surface again.
Hi Ryan, I've been feeling anxiety lately due to my ex has been dating her ex before me lately. It hurts so bad and its killing me because I love and miss her so much. Feels like she moved so fast and doesn't care about what we had, which is crazy to me. We had such a strong connection, yet she seems un phased with moving on. I feel like she is slipping away from me more and more each day. Like I should be pursuing her now. I remember she told me once she likes persistence chase after her. To see if you're willing to work to get her. I asked her before the nc thing started if she wanted me to stop chasing her. She said she wasn't sure if she did or didn't. my heart hurts because she spent Christmas and will spend new years with this other person. We were suppose to spend these times together before the break up. She text me yesterday and sent a photo and asked if I remember where it was from. it was a pic from a place we use to eat at all the time.. I replied yes..i couldn't tell if she was missing me or just letting me know she was at our place to eat with someone else.. I really want my girl back soon! :(
Hang in there. Sometimes people go back to their ex because they are unable or don't want to find someone new to rebound, so they try things out again with their ex. But most likely, your ex is probably rebounding with her ex. Focus on your anxiety and calming yourself down, and just pick yourself back up, before you consider anything again in the future.
Hi,
My ex broke up with me almost five months ago (over the phone, after being together for 1.5 years), and it devastated me. For about the first 2.5 months, I made a lot of mistakes, but have been good for the past two months. Over the last two months, I've made a lot of progress, but still miss her a lot. I truly think we could work things out, though her reasoning for leaving were that we fought a lot, I'm too invested in my career, she doesn't want to move and scared of being a single mother in the future because my career involves traveling. She also mentioned that I was controlling.
Over the past two months, I've made a lot of personal strides and feel better about myself and not nearly as sad as I once was. I still have moments where I break down because I truly loved the girl, and the breakup came out of nowhere. Jan. 30 is fast approaching, and that marks two years since we first met (I'm currently a senior in college, she's a junior). February marks a lot of what would be two-year anniversaries and I know it's going to be a tough month. I've received a lot of advice, had multiple deep conversations with my support group, but I truly want my ex back (different from needing her). How should I go about reaching out to her, as I was planning on it around the end of January. (I wrote her a handwritten letter at the end of September and the day after my birthday she sent me an email telling me she wanted to quit contact. I've had one outburst since then Halloween weekend.)
Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
Well, since January would have been some time since your last contact with her, you could always drop her a casual text to ask her how her New Year has been and see how she responds from there. If she doesn't respond positively, it might really do you justice and a big favor to walk away from this, and focus on moving on.
Hi,
I had to end relationship up with my girlfriend (5 years living together) due the fact she found another man to entertain her and she was not willing to make the decision: me or other guy. I tried this no contact rule and she keeps calling and texting me once a day (or so). If I did not answer her contacts, she is getting very upset and sends me irritating messages (like blaming me that I can't be trusted in serious situations). If I answer her because I assume that there was a really serious reason that she would call me, but there isn't. If we talk about weather and general stuff, it is fine. If or conversation goes to us or our past, she gets upset and tries to end the call. Last conversation she hinted me that if I would not call her more occasionally, I would waste my opportunity. She even encouriged to call her any time.
In this case, should i inform her that I would not contact her for a while, or still answer her calls but keep the conversation to general topics and avoid getting to serious topics? Or should I just ignore her (and might push her more away)?
R
The whole point of No Contact is to avoid conversations with her, general or relationship wise until you feel more sorted out emotionally to deal with things rationally. The only conversations that is encouraged is if it's a serious issue (financial matters, divorce paperwork, children, etc). You should tell her that you would like some space since the relationship has ended to work on yourself.
Hi there
My ex and I split up about a week ago and I also moved out of the country we were living in together. It was a mutual split up, we had huge highs and a loving relationship but we just kept arguing a lot and couldn't seem to fix this dynamic even thought we loved each otehr a lot. I now think we made a big mistake. Should I follow the NC zone rule or just get in touch now? ALso it is xmas coming up...
Thank you
You could get in touch to see his take on things, and if he isn't agreeable to get back together for whatever reasons, then proceed with NC.
hi my ex broke up with me about a week ago, but she still lives with me, we help each other out financially until i get another job after christmas, shes going out meeting new guys now, how should i conduct the no contact rule in my situation? and what should i do whilst shes here?
Create boundaries at home and limit the time spent there while she is around. Perhaps go out more, and even if you are at home, sleep in different rooms and engage in as little small talk as possible. You could use this article to provide you with more tips on what you can do while she's still around.
We were about to get married, I was getting the stone shaped for the ring, then she broke up with me. I'm not sure what exactly the reason is, because there are many. I'm a jealous person, and I will not apologize for being one, her attitude has always pushed me to say unnecessary things, like another guy hugs/kisses her and so on, I'm pretty sure that most men are like me, I am not OK with my women sharing her body with another even if she thinks it's innocent. Few days before we breakup, she went on a trip with her sister and friends and there was a guy with his gf Who used to live with her sister and her sister's husband, that guy has crossed the line many times, I always warned her about him and she felt upset when I talked like that about him and always defended him and justified his actions. Eventually, he started going in the hot tub while she was their with his gf and he sat next to her!!!!. He joined them and started touching her while knows that she's shy. I got mad at my fiancee and said unnecessary things. It made her so mad and she went in her room in the hotel and cried, then he followed her and saw her crying and hugged her. Then, she vented with him and he told her to breakup with me and she did!!!!!!!! This stranger we barely know did this to me!!! I've done so many stupid things to change her mind, even I was so close to hurt myself, you know. Anyways, we stopped talking for couple days then she contacted me while she was in the hot tub with her sister, him, his gf. But, all the sudden she freaked out because he touched her Va****... And yet, she justified for him and said it was an accident. I tried to act cool about it but I was burning inside. Now she doesn't wanna get back at all and admits that she has some feelings, yet, still saying it's impossible to get back together and it is over... I really don't know what to do, we broke up more than 2 weeks ago and we both are miserable. I followed your EBP tips and started no contact but she kept contacting and I fail and talk to her. I'm writing this long comment after I did what I think is a huge mistake, I sent her "I love you" and a kiss emoji on whatsapp. I guess she saw it and pretending like she didn't. I see nothing in this god damn planet but being together again and continue our beautiful dream. I can't move on, can't stop thinking, I failed to fulfill the EBP requirements, should I start over?? WHAT SHOULD I DO??!!!
The EBP requirements serve as a guideline but are not set in stone since every relationship situation is different. Currently, if you want a relationship where how you feel is accepted, and a partner who isn't naive, you'll have better luck in walking away and finding someone who fits that. If you still want to continue a relationship with her, then you're going to have to accept that being jealous and telling her off on being naive (even if you're right) are things that would only push her away. Instead of becoming angry (again, even if you have the right to be), I suggest talking to her in a more understanding way as that might make her more receptive to what you're saying as opposed to telling her off and she becomes defensive and justifies the other person's actions.
Right now, I suggest giving yourself some space to adapt to this mindset change before coming back into her life.
my boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. although it was a break up, he also said he just wants time and space to think about things and he would consider getting back together if major things changed, but he's not sure if that's possible. we had a really great relationship full of respect and trust, we just started to argue more and more and i think we need some time apart for him to realize the problems can be fixed and are not worth throwing out an amazing relationship over. we're both in college and on winter break, so i'm planning on reaching out when we both get back. i'm in the middle of no contact, but should i text him on christmas or new years? does this sound like a relationship that can be fixed?
Hey Olivia,
Yes, I think for a relationship like yours, it can be easily mended if both parties work at their differences together. It's normal for relationships to reach a point where arguments happen more often due to both parties inevitably taking each other for granted (by becoming too comfortable, impatient, etc). The issue here isn't that you guys have differences and need space to think if the relationship is worth it, but rather to both sit down together and sort your differences out.
thank you! i agree, but he keeps saying he needs time and space and as of right now, he thinks too much has happened between us that can't be erased. i was going through a hard time and that negativity may have brought him down, but he never told me how he felt until he ended things so i never had the chance to fix that. i'm hoping giving him this time and space he wants will make him realize it, but do you think it may just be too far gone in his mind? i really want a second chance since now i know what his problems with me were, i see how easily fixable they are. i just don't know how to show him that!
Well, perhaps it may have gone too far in his mind, but it doesn't matter because people get impulsive and exaggerated thoughts when they are emotionally affected by situations. These things can be changed, but may require a bit of time for him to let go of it. Just give him some time and space for now, but you could continue to talk to him casually as a friend and at least let him see that you're there for him.
I go back to school in 2 weeks and I wanted to reach out to him when we go back to see if he'd be open to talking. Is that enough time?
It should be, when school starts again, you could approach him casually like you would a friend and slowly build things up from there again.
Hey so me and my ex finished our relationship 2 years ago i started one but idk i keep having things remind me of him i always think of little stuff we used to do and me and my new partner are always fighting i went to this party were i saw my ex and his new girlfriend ( which is my ex best friend) their currently engaged but they were arguing and fighting i didnt say hi to them or i didnt show that i was affected by it but i still have that connection with him and idk maybe i just want to talk to him and let things right since he was my bestfriemd for almost 7 years sometimes i do miss him his biethday is coming up and idk if i schould DM him since idk if his girlfriend has his password and i domt want to seem like im desperate what do i do ??? I dont knoe what to do
I would honestly recommending just talking to him casually since it's something you can't seem to walk away from. At least by talking to him, even if things don't turn out well, you may get some form of closure that you lack. Also, your fights with your current partner may be causing amplified feelings of you missing your ex so it's something you should take note of. Perhaps ask yourself first, if your current relationship is a healthy one, and secondly decide if your feelings towards your ex is based on the bad experiences you're going through or something more.
Hello Kevin,
Me and my other half split up 5 weeks ago last sunday, he split with me 2 days after my 21st birthday. Yes he was my first love but I am completely smitten by him. When he broke it off with me he didnt give me much of a reason but gave me a kiss as he got out of my car. I got a text message saying "he doesnt want anything with me anymore, its a clean break and not just a break" but ive had no explination and im incredibly worried that he thinks the grass is greener. I made the mistake of texting him because i felt like i needed closure and he didnt give me that. After 2.5 years i deserve that right? He keeps telling people that hes "ignoring me to move on properly" and i just dont understand. 2 hours before breaking it off with me, he was telling me he loves me and misses me. And wrote in my birthday card "to my one and only" was this all a lie? Hes a very "led astray" person and his family like to drink and ever since this happened hes been drinking more, hes seen me once and not even made eye contact with me. He could never talk to me and convided in a mutual female friend who i now fear hes trying it on with. Hes getting on with his life whilst mines in the gutted. I really dont know if he loves me or has done for a while. Im so confused.
Hey Bethanie,
Although we all deserve proper closure, sometimes we just don't receive it. It doesn't mean you should stay in one place, without moving on in life because that's what many people do and they never fully pick themselves up. It seems really sudden that he broke up with you when everything seemed fine (based on what you said) and there should be a reason. Maybe if you can figure out what that is (from mutual friends), then you would get the closure you deserve. However, I suggest in the mean time not to contact him any further and just focus on yourself. Apply No Contact and pick yourself up as he's doing with himself. Only later on should you actually contact him again if you still love him and want him back.
I am 32. My ex is now 29. We dated for 2 years, half being long distance because of my career that she supported very well.
Unfortunately one day she stopped supporting my dreams, our relationship started to struggle and we ultimately ended 65 days ago now. We tried as friends for the last month of it but it wasn't working and one night when I told her I loved her, she didn't feel the same, and we ended everything. No talking, no reconciliation, we just stopped. She reached out a day after to say sorry but it didn't go anywhere.
In the past 65 days we exchanging belongings but she wasn't present for either. I dropped her things off one day and went to get mine once, but she was "busy."
Only once, about 40 days in did we text for more than 5 minutes. She told me our relationship never had the "depth" she was looking for and she had found someone else that supports her in ways I didn't. She said she was sorry for dragging me along when she really knew she didn't want me anymore for a little bit of time.
I have come to find out the man she replaced me with is her boss (46-2 kids, previously married)...which I am crushed by. In a way Im glad its not the hot guy at the bar I would compare myself to and wonder what he does better than me. I know her boss has money, has known for her for a year and probably knows where my support lacked and where she needed more. He's not attractive in my or my friends eyes but this really breaks my heart.
I have successfully started cross-fit, a new job and become open in possibly moving for my career and taking the next step in growth. I have also sought therapy, opened myself back to God, and dove into various self-help books.
I struggle with getting over her and letting go completely and finally. Most of the time I still wish there was a chance this was a rebound and maybe she'll check in from time to time. But I don't know how to not think that. She is still what I want, is that even right of me to think after everything she has done with her 60 days?
No contact worked for myself but maybe it pushed her away?
I have worked to get better, feel good but sad/lonely just as much.
Should I want this chance again with her? Should I block her everywhere and be done with any other possibilities? She can't post anything because its her boss anyway.
also he has already given her diamonds for her recent birthday, seems to be moving fast. And I can’t help but thinking of him proposing to her soon since they already knew each other so well. No, I don’t believe she ever cheated or started this with him while we were together.
It would depend on your knowledge regarding what she seeks for in life. If the financial security it something more important to her, then you might want to consider walking away as it will be hard to compete with her boss on this aspect. If you know that she may be going through a tough time, and merely needs momentary financial support desperately that you cannot provide, then you could consider a second shot if given the chance. However, do bear in mind that she walked away from you once already, and if you get back with her, she may do the same again if ever she needs something you cannot provide.
Unfortunately, even if he does propose at this time, there isn't much you can do about it since they are together now and it's his given right. You'll just have to have faith that your relationship did mean something to her and she would have the logical sense to say no.
Its a 2.5 year distance relationship in which i said some bad things to her in my anger, we meet twice in a month or more, then suddenly she losses interest which result in arguing and fighting and she eventually break up with me I begged for 3 to 4 days then started no contact, I applied 30 days no contact and after that, we talked and clarified all things and suddenly next day she goes cold again and as a result, i feel breakup pain again and eventually asking for another chance she said no and then I start the no contact again another month is almost complete what should i do now?
You should first figure out why she lost interest in you. No contact is meant for you to focus on picking yourself up and not simply giving her space. If you're able to contact her and face rejection without falling apart, that's how you'll know that no contact worked. Since your NC period is ending soon, you could always drop her a casual text and maybe even ask to catch up sometime. Everything isn't going to fall in place after one day of talking again after a breakup and you'll have to slowly nurture her back into wanting you, which is why it's so important to be able to face her without the fear of falling apart every time she pulls away or is cold towards you.
Hey there,
My ex and I broke up. I successfully did no contact for one month immediately after the break up and sent a follow-up text. In the initial first text I asked him in the message if he’d like to catch up for coffee, he said he it was too soon as he was struggling to find normality. I said I understood and we had a really good catch up chat via text. We have been texting almost everyday, good chats about friends, work, movies etc. I then asked him about a week or two later if he’d like to catch up for a drink he said he’s not ready to just hang out and it might be a while and he was sorry, but wants to stay in touch. He isn’t much of a texter even in our two year relationship. So I was a bit confused when he said no but I acted cool about it and said I understood and I’m happy to keep chatting (texting). We continued texting for about two weeks about random things and I got a fine in the mail I approached him about it cause I didn’t believe it was me driving (the fine was from a few months ago) and he said in a long message he remembered that day because I come over cooked for him and we had coffee in the park, he also joked in the message about a lunch we had made that’s still in his fridge and looks a bit dangerous lol. We sent a few more texts about our pet fishes and what not, seemed to be good. He said the suburb I was livin in now suited me :) and then I said you should check it out sometime and he said yeah that would be nice :). So then a few days after that I said what is he up to this weekend and would he like to come check out my place/pool (he seemed to respond better to that then the coffee idea hence why I asked). But then he took two days to reply and said sorry he had a busy week and probably not this weekend and that he needs a pool at this place. Honestly at this point I felt confused so I replied saying ok when were you thinking to catch up as I will be away most of January? And he said he’s not in a huge rush, it’d be nice to see me but he feels he needs to find his own feet first and maybe closer to Xmas/New Years but he doesn’t know and not too rush it. I said it does suck but I understand and hope I catch you before I go :). That was our last text about 3-4 days ago and I’m not sure what to do now since I’ve asked to catch up a few times. I’m confused, I feel he’s definitely shown some positive signs, especially sending me some money for the fine even though he didn’t think it was him. My friends said I should just let him text me and not text him so I haven’t and it’s been a few days now. He was never much of a texter anyway but I’m not too sure what to do from here. Thanks :)
Well, it seems that he himself seems reluctant to meet you right now for whatever reasons. It could very well be that it's too soon still, and you should give him more time and let him initiate on a meeting up instead. You've tried a couple of times and have been met with rejection so I don't advice trying any further or you might push him away. Just take it casually, continue to focus on yourself first, and don't let these little rejections get you down.
Thanks. We did text yesterday he said he had a crazy week because his dog was stolen. I’m not sure how often we should text at this point in time? Obviously I want to rebuild connection, it’s a little hard because he isn’t much of a texter. What should I talk about to rebuild connection?
At this point, just be yourself and create topics that would received continued responses from him - such as stuff you guys did in the past, plans for holidays, etc
Ok thanks Ryan! Also we had a phone call recently just chit chat, it was a pleasant phone call I meantioned that I’m going away at the end of the week and if he wanted to see me, he said he feels pressured? And he doesn’t know, maybe another time then? I don’t know what he’s trying to communicate to me, as we’ve been texting for around a month and a phone call last night. At the end of the phone call we said it was nice to hear your voice and he said it was nice to hear your voice too. He sounded really depressed. I’m not sure if he needs more time? I’ve always been a go getter and he’s more relaxed and goes with the flow. could you explain what he means by pressured? Do I just give more time? My gut instinct and the way he sounded on the phone told me he missed me? Thanks
In those circumstances, yes I would suggest giving him more time and space if he feels pressured. Ultimately meeting you should be a natural occurrence and not something that feels forced.
Hey Ryan! So we have continued texting after the last time I told you about (the phone call where he said he felt pressured and another time to catch up since I was going away) I text him saying I was going away and he said have a lovely trip and take some piccies(photos). He said he had a nice Xmas but is a little sunburnt. I text him a photo a few days later while I was away and he replied in 1 minute saying omg that looks amazing where are u? I didn’t reply and he then sent me a message on 1st of January saying happy new year I replied later that day saying hey! Just watched a house of cards, reminded me of you, made me smile! He replied within 2 minutes saying :) too hungover to physically smile but that’s a nice thought! I had a bad experience where someone tried to break in my house so I called him early that morning then I realised I shouldn’t have done that so I sent a text saying just an update I’m safe now, at my friends place. He then replied saying glad you’re safe, you are better off calling the police if you feel unsafe. Then later that day I text him saying I’m still feeling a bit shaken by it would you be up for a phone call, he replied saying sorry I don’t feel like talking in the phone at the moment but don’t let this dampen your new year, there are plenty of jerk guys in the world, just be you and love it! I replied saying I understand and did u have a good day he replied yeah, did a lot of furniture moving and sent me a photo of what he had changed in his room. After that it was his birthday so I sent a message saying happy birthday! He replied within the hour saying :) thanks lady! I didn’t reply and have started no contact as I feel when i am a bit distant he replies instantly kind of thing. I was thinking to continue no contact until around the 16th of January which would mean I haven’t texted him since the 4th of January. In my text on the 16th of January I was planning to say if he’s free to catch up for a quick cuppa sometime this week? I don’t want to do the wrong thing since I have asked before, but he is a big introvert and he rarely ever asks anyone to catch-up even friends/family. They usually ask him. My only fear is that he has said yes he’d like to catch up but wants to find his own feet first, he said this in December though. What would u recommend?
You could ask him towards the end of January instead since it might have given him more time to find his own feet, and at least some time has passed into 2018, giving you the excuse to ask him out to find out how things have been going so far this new year.
Ok thanks. Should I continue no contact until then or is it better to text casually with him?
Hi EBP Team,
I have foung your website very useful. I am approaching the end of NC that is at the same time as Xmas and my ex’a b-day and also the start of a 2-3 week holiday he is spending with his family he barely sees the whole year.
My question is: what’s the best timing to send the e-mail? Isn’t it overwhelming around holiday time? Shall I just extend NC until he’s back in town? Maybe I could combine it with wishing him happy holidays and happy birthday?
Thanks for your insight
To be honest, I think it's actually a good time to send him the email, as it creates a bigger impact (birthday, Christmas and the start of his holiday). If you want him back, you could send the email then and definitely include the birthday and Christmas wishes as well.
Hi, we were engaged,she called off our engagement, she is very egoist lying and stubborn and i was abusive (verbally), controlling, jelous, insecure, over possessive. I loved her from the best i have but her ego and stubbornness made me behave wrong to her, i pleaded begged and cried but she didn't changed her decision, it was me who always use to go to her after every fight where she used to stop talking to me for several days, after broke up i re approached her but she wanted to be friends firstly i said yes but she was so casual and seemed moved on so i started no contact, its been three months i didn't heard anything from her, she is completely moved on now she seems happy and outgoing and enjoying her life, and here i am so obsessed and crying and dying for her even though i have decided i wont ever contact her or give any signal to contact me, if she wants to workout again then she has to contact me, otherwise its over for me, i am down, i am low but ill get up and ill make it large.
Hang in there. Continue to work on yourself and don't linger in the past, if she moves on, so should you. And if your decision is to only come back if she contacts you, then it's a good idea to move on in the mean time because you don't know if it will ever happen or not.
Hi there
While trying to sort things out in my life currently and can’t help thinking of her and i came upon this page. And sadly i had committed all 5 deadly mistakes, I don’t know how i can help myself so maybe ill just share my story
I’m 29. She’s 30. Been in a relationship with her for nearly 3 years. Broke up like slightly more than a week already(consider this as 3rd and possibly a fatal one)
1st broke up(she found out me complaining too much about the stress she gave me in becoming a better man)
2nd broke up(infidelity, committed a couple of times of infidelity, regretted and stopped. Didn’t confess to her until i got found out sometime after that)
3rd broke up(while improving on myself(not doing enough), we were chatting about things i did in the past, cant exactly remember if i confess everything in a proper manner to her, being not wanting to hide anything from her, i gave her a recap and told her everything, the very next day, she left)
For the first 2 years plus in our relationship, empty/unfulfilled promises from me, misbehaving, overspending, lack of proper planning, spending too much time/money on games and infidelity caused our first 2 breakups.
I loved her, it was after her coming back for the 2nd time which triggered me to do all the critical thinking, and rebuild what im supposed to be doing. 6 months on, that little conversation, in addition to me still playing games(cut down alot, also been saving up,no infidelity) made her left me for the 3rd time.
Perhaps the lack of time in spending with her, and also a new colleague of her appearing, took a liking in her, did things better than me to her(lots of things i did for her during the earlier parts of our relationship) and has a stronger financial backing than me.
The new colleague of her, somehow managed to get closer to her emotionally, and perhaps, could be still talking together, could be as friends or maybe even dating.
It feels exceptionally terrible to be losing the love of your life, especially when you are about to propose to her, mentally and financially ready for her, and also on a festive season. Im lost, i really want her back and wished that i can still work things out, but i know, the ball is no longer in my court. I can only keep improving, keep working and praying.
Hang in there, and focus on recovering right now. If you want her back in your life, you're going to have to make changes to yourself especially on areas she didn't like. You should take some time off from her and distance yourself right now to work on your own issues, before trying anything again.
Hi Ryan
I’m working on it, like for real. Ive gotten rid of almost all my playing stuffs. Looking to add in a secondary income, becoming a better person etc.
I want to talk to her again, but I don’t know when it will be a appropriate timing to start
My suggestion is to complete 30 days of No Contact and spend this time to focus on all these things you've mentioned. Once you've picked yourself up from this and think you've at least improved from the last time she saw you, then you could contact her again if you really want her back.
Hello,
So this is my story, I met a girl in college who is a couple years younger than me and throughout that year and the next we just had an unbelievable relationship. We would talk everyday and occasionally see each other on weekends. I knew she liked me through her friends and she knew I liked her, but we never were official boyfriend and girlfriend, but there were times when we both hinted at that outcome. I told her that I want her in my life and she wanted me to be in her life, but not in the same way. I texted her saying I couldn't be just friends with her and that I'll always have love for her because she was the first person I fell in love with in my life. 8 months ago I made a huge mistake and went over to her house back home unannounced and did it so no one would know I was there to drop off a handwritten letter after texting her; I went over to her house 3 times because the first two times I was afraid of what she would think if I did that when I hadn't been over there before. This mistake backfired on me and she found out I had been stopping by her house a couple times before, and it creeped her out now she has blocked me on every social media accounts and I haven't talked to her in 8 months. I've been thinking a lot about her like everyday morning, during, and at night before I go to sleep, and even dream about her. I know she isn't my ex but in other peoples eyes she was definitely more than just a friend to me, and I want nothing more to have her back in my life, but I'm pretty sure she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. What should I do? I moved across country for work, but found out some family stuff is going on that I might have to move back home to where she and I both live, and I know that once I do I'll be reminded of the fact that I lost the only girl I cared about and it is killing me inside. Asking for advise on what to do, and if there is anything I can do to make her trust me again and hopefully someday have her back in my life
Personally, it's been quite a long while. It may be worth a shot to try contacting her once more and you could be honest and explain the situation back then and apologize for it, then see if she's willing to still stay friends.
Hi,
I had 3 month long relationship with a guy from a dating site. I have trust problems because of 20 year long marriage in which I was kinda abused. So that is why decided I did not want a serious relationship, only a friend with benefit type of thing. The guy was very polite. We had only kissing on first date and it took a while for him to even ask for it. Later I told him I did not want a serious relationship but it seemed he was hoping in it. We had very strong chemistry. After we had sex he was taken to hospital. It was crazy. I started to feel something however the plan was not that. I have decided to split up with him but someway I was not able. So we were keeping in touch for 1 month then he was released. I did not trust him. First I though even hospital was lie and then I discovered he was texting with others. I tried to get closer to him but he had walls. We had fights since I felt him cold, too rational therefore I got angry towards him and we had awful fights.We split up 3x but it started again. I emphasized that it was only about sex for me but he wanted sg more serious. Once I have seen him to chat with someone else for a long time. I asked him to tell me if he had someone else and let me go since it is too painful this way to me. He told me that there was no anyone else just he did not know where he stood with me since I was working against the relationship. Basically I think I did not know what I wanted and we had walls. Ok. I asked him to start it again. He asked for time and I promised time. So he messaged me but when I wanted to reply I saw he was chatting with someone again and got angry and attacked him. I said really really mean things. He switched off phone. I was thinking I might have hurt him deliberately because I was not brave enough to start sg serious and wanted to get rid of him instinctively. Next day I said sorry. I was feeling really awful about myself. I am not an evil person. But he did not read it (or yes but it was not displayed).
Afterwards I texted him again: it was an analysis about our problems objectively. It was not read for 2 days. I expected it wont be read never ever. But then yes: it was displayed as read. Maybe it is crazy but I want him back. I want to take it seriously and wanna work on it and on myself but only if he wants to work on it too with me.
Although you say you don't want a serious relationship and only want a friends with benefit type of thing, it seems to me that your emotions say otherwise, or else you wouldn't really mind or care if he was talking to others or had walls since it should not matter. I think that you need to be more aware as well if you're trying to push someone away, as sometimes we do that in the form of picking fights or faults with our partner. I suggest just focusing on yourself first to work on whatever issues you may have and build yourself back up before considering any relationship.
Yes, now I know that I had feelings in it. I was picking up fights because I was afraid of them. That is why I want to start it again with feelings and without fears. I wanna give it a chance. Yesterday I wrote him: I written down what I have learnt about myself during the relationship but I did not mentioned that I wanted him back or anything similar. He read it in a minute but no answer. I was not surprised. (Basically I was surprised because he read it immediately.)As for no contact rule, I feel our relationship was different: I was not clingy. Not that was the problem, quite the opposite. I feel I have to give him a way to communicate. Or am I wrong?
Even if you weren't clingy, no contact is still something you should apply as you the relationship ended on a sour note, and he may harbor negative emotions towards you right now. NC will help give both parties some space to let go of those emotions before attempting anything again.
Hi,
Sorry because I am a bit tiring. I have doubts about "no contact rule" in my case. In my understanding your theory is based on the fact that there were happy moments in the relationship and after a while people tend to remember the good memories, the overall picture and forget about the problems (eg. clinginess, small debates), the small negative details. My relationship with this man though was about great sex and awful debates right afterwards (since I was fighting against my own feelings), therefore the overall picture is not good. There were no happy moments in this relationship with the exception of sex. Basically, I can say only the sexual attraction kept it alive at all for 3 months. And I am aware that sexual attraction can fade away fast so what remains is the overall negative picture. Am I not right?
Hi Silvi,
You are wrong in thinking that the purpose of no contact is to remind your ex of the good times. In fact, no contact rule has very little to do with your ex. It has everything to do with you. Its for you to give yourself some time and space so you can work on becoming a better version of yourself.
You are right that you may not be able to use the good memories from your past relationship in rebuilding attraction with him. But that is only a small part of the plan. The biggest thing that attracts an ex back is the changes you make in yourself. If you can show him that you have truly changed and are a new person after you have finished no contact, you can definitely attract him back. Read this article for more info on what to do after no contact.
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your reply. I understood that one of the purpose of NC to introduce changes to my own life and approach. But I am not addicted to this guy, only attracted to him and wanna try if it works with him. I can live without him. I have my life, my goal in life without him. I am aware that both of us should work on it and use a different approach. Definetely I should starte. What I am saying: it is not a more year old relationship but only 3 month long and basically was about sex. Ergo, if I wait say 1 month my chance to get him back is decreasing in my view.
Oh, if your relationship was less than 3 months old, then you should reduce no contact to about two weeks. Perhaps, learn a bit of communication skills during this time so you can make the relationship about something more than sex when you get back in touch. Also, before you contact him again, make sure he is worth it and you have the right attitude about this. After all, you don't want to invest too much time and energy into someone with whom you had a shallow relationship based on only sex.
Ok. When I started with this whole dating thing, I have decided: I wanted only sex. I missed sex since I have not had any for 2 years after breakup with my husband. Right? But I did not want to lose my independence just because my body needed sex. That was the starting point. I had more dates but I selected this guy because kissing was the best with him. We had chemistry. We have not had sex only on the 3rd date. Basically we were speaking about philosophical questions and everything. I found him interesting as a person. He was a kinda weirdo like myself. I told him I wanted only kinda special frienship but he wanted something more. He left some of his stuff at my house, cooked for me, stayed over the weekend and started to repair my boiler. Even mentioned that I should have reareanged my room. These things terrified me so I started fight. We had great sex and then loads of fights. In the meantime I realized I might needed something more than sex. We had fight about Fraud and these things. In this respect the relationship was not swallow.
I am afraid he completely lost his faith in it which is not a wonder if I think about it. Even I am happier without that relationship because that was a constant fight between my heart and mind. What I would like to do: start a completely new thing with him because I think we might match naturally, only I protected myself against love all along. But I am aware that human beings are not guniea pigs so it might be late. I just wanna get the highest chance to start it again if possible at all. I hurt him so many times and we had 3 breakups during 3 months. So it is almost hopeless to base a new start on good memories.
Hey Silvia,
OK. I think you should just contact him (whenever you are ready) and be honest about how you feel. Your first contact message should show a lot of honesty and self reflection for this to work.
Hi,
After saying sorry and explaing what type of relationship I really want i have done about 2 week long NC as suggested. On Christmas day to my surprise I got a Christmas greeting and my ex initianated a short conversation and this morningI got good morning greeting as it was a habit before breakup and it seems my ex wants to come over. I am very happy but my consern is that: I dont wanna be a doormat in long term. So I plan to initiate a converstation about the situation: I want to give it a try to a serious relationship with him but I dont want to be with him at any cost. Do you think it is appropriate. I mean I am happy that he comes or sg but I dont want to be just used and abused. Taking into account our past story it can be an issue.
Hi Silvi,
Yes, you should definitely have this conversation with him. I recommend that you write down the type of relationship you want in your life. Write down the 5 most important thing for you in a relationship. And after that, write down your boundaries. Write down what is non-negotiable for you. This could be things like "Cheating, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse etc."
Then have a conversation with him. Tell him that you don't want to repeat the past relationship again and you want to start taking things slow. That means you should not have sex for at least two weeks after you start dating. Since your past relationship was only based on sex, it's best to avoid having sex for a while so you don't go back to the same old patterns. Only meet him outside and go on dates with him. Take your time to figure out if a relationship with him can work. And if he is not willing to take it slow, you should be willing to walk away (he will eventually come around when he realizes you are strong and he can't make you go back to the same old relationship pattern.)
And after the break up my ex husband indicated he wanted me back (we have two kids) but I refused because I want someone better. Also, interestingly right after the break-up my former neighbour asked me out for a drink through facebook. But I did not want to play with others since I am into my ex boyfriend. So I refused especially because I know that my neighbour would be serious about the relationship. He was trying with me previously, confessed his feelings but he is too simple for me: I mean he is not interested in deeper things and I am. So I refused him previously as well. And I am chatting with a guy who is quite interested in me. So as you can see I dont have to feel that I would not have any other chance. I am on dating sites. I am friendly and quite ok for my age. Also, i have 4 degrees. So I am not absolutely stupid. Men are attracted to me. And I am 38. I am after a 20 year long marriage so obviously I know my feelings for this guy wont last forever. I am not that naive. The main point is that: I would like one more chance with this guy because maybe we would get on very well if I try seriously. And since I realized that I need not only sex but someone who loves me and who I can love, at the end of the day I have to change my approach/behaviour anyway. So why not now and why not with this guy. It is not that easy to find someone who is interested in deep-speaking and still sober enough and who behaves in a loving way towards me. Also we were perfectly in synch in sex. So what else would I want? Of course maybe it wont work. I am realistic. I know this guy only for 3 months and we had fights. I am nornmally not an agressive type but I was the one who started the fight, he remained polite while I was swearing. This shows that I tried to protect myself from emotions. He realized that it is my fear but i did not want to realize. And you know I want this only if it works well. Basically I dont want this guy at any cost but I wanna see where it goes if I really try without fears. Maybe he is the right person for me.
He stayed at my house after sex saying he cant get home that late so we were sleeping together. Then stayed for the weekend, cooked for me and left his stuff at me saying he dont want to bring it again. Then started to repair my boiler, ordered stuff and collected from the shop. I was terrified what he wants. After my marriage I lived alone with 2 kids and I was happy: I could decide about my things alone and it was like a fresh air after 20 year long marriage even if it was hard sometimes to arrange everything alone eg. moving, kids illness, arranging school for kids, repairing things, normal household duties, paying bills and also I had a fulltime job. But I felt happy and independent. But I was almost like a male and I have not sex with anyone. But after 2 years I started feeling unwell physically and menthally. I thought it was because of lack of sex. But since I did not want to lose my independence, I decided on this friends with benefits type of thing. This is the story behind it.
Hey 2 months ago I said my ex broke up with me because of long distance and I was moving back to her hometown because I wanted to move there for a job offer and you told me keep doing no contact until you arrive there. I just moved here 2 days ago and she keeps liking my posts on social media even the one where I took a pic of the back yard of my house and said a paragraph about that j moved here and I'm blessed. She saw that post but hasn't messeged me or anything shes not dating anyone. What should I do I texted her 2 months ago but she seemed uninterested but she still sees my stuff??
Well, you could always initiate contact with her and drop her a message or call instead, since you know that she's been following up with your posts.
I was in a 3 year long relationship. We took a break 4 months ago because of his drinking."surely not a breakup". But then i hav done the worst thing : i had a guy friend to whom i felt an affection and happened to mistake it as love. But he was loving me, so when he proposed me during the break i accepted it thinking that my affection is love. Bt soon within a month i realised that it was nothing more than a crush and also i loved my ex/bf (since we were just on a break) so much who is infact my first love. My ex/bf came to know about all these things and now he barely replies to my messages. Please help me with this problem. Now i know i really loved him. He is my first love & guess it will be the last one too.
I guess you need to give your ex some space now so that he can let go of any anger or hurt that he felt before going back to him again.
Hello,
My girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years due to me being controlling and clingy. Told me the night of the breakup that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. We talked every so often afterwards until I figured out I was actually making things worse and proceeded with NC for 25 days. We're long distance so it's a bit easier than others. We had plans to meet up when I came home to visit family for thanksgiving and talk, and we did meet up but we hardly talked. She said it was too soon and didn't want our emotions to get the better of us. I was a bit mad, because I waited almost an hour. We spoke on the phone afterwards and got into an argument about what happened and both said some mean things.
A few days afterwards, we spoke on the phone for two hours and had a great conversation. We talked for two hours, one about the relationship and what happened, and the other just general talking, laughing, and having fun. A day or two after that, I told her I had a date, to which she got kind of upset but tried to brush it off by acting "happy" even though I heard her cry on the phone. The date ended up being cancelled, but I feel like that might've been a step backwards.
Afterwards we texted for almost three consecutive days, but we both agreed that it felt weird and decided to text each other every other day for the whole day. We both have every intention of finally meeting up on Christmas. She's said she's really wanting to focus on school right now, which I completely respect, but I do want to get her back. I want to prove to her that I can not be a clingy, jealous, insecure guy! Are the steps we are taking the appropriate ones?
Hey Luke, it sounds like you're on the right path. Just don't put too much pressure on her to get back together with you or she may walk away. You can always tell her how you feel, but add that you respect her wish to focus on school and you'll wait for her as a friend first or something.
Hey Ryan,
Thanks for the advice. I forgot to mention last night after a stressful week I had some anxiety and said some insecure things to her while we were talking. Stuff along the line of "you were my best friend" and "second chance" were mentioned. I realized my mistake changed the subject almost immediately and continued to have a good conversation, but it was a moment of weakness nonetheless. Do I just continue on as normal?
Don't worry too much, sometimes human instincts take over us for a brief moment, but as long as you realized it and didn't go overboard, it's fine.
Hi ryan..thanks for your reply..i will try to give her that space and time like you said..but i really need your advice on how to win her trust back and confidence and keep our love..what so i really do during this break?
Firstly, you should just be yourself - the new and improved you after giving yourself space to change as well. You could always refer to this article on more tips in getting your ex-girlfriend back.
Hi, my ex and I (both 18) broke up in October and were together from June to September. He broke up with me because I wasn’t reciprocating the love he was giving me and he now feels like since he put his all in the relationship and I didn’t, he can no longer give me a relationship. After the breakup, I was very needy and constantly begged him to get back together. Since then, I have recognized my mistakes and am fully in the mindset to changing them but I’m not sure how to prove that I’ve changed. He’s recently got back with his previous ex about a week ago and I’m scared that he might not want me back. I personally think it’s a rebound relationship since he did try to have sex with me while they were together but he swears he loves her and is serious with her. He still acts as if he has feelings for me but denies them. We never went through a no contact stage either. So, would it be best to do the no contact stage even if it’s been 3 months since we’ve broken up? Is there a good chance that I can gain his love and trust back if I do this? Is it not too late?
Hey Kyla,
Yes if you haven't done NC before, and have still been in contact with him through the 3 months, it might be better to actually proceed with the No Contact rule to separate yourself from the situation.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me in Febuary this year while I was at overseas. We were together for 8 months. I was planned to work at overseas for 6 months from January. we didn't talk much during that period of time because I know he work really hard and long hours( at least 8 hours a day sometimes 12 hours),I texted him every 2 days or 3 days and he barely replied. He broke up with me said because of a lack of common interest and culture crash. we were in a really long distance relationship.
And then he jumped into another relationship 6 days later after we broke up. But I didn't know until I changed my mind gave up the work oppotunity and back from oversea. I was pretty upset and stop talking to him. Nearly two months later, he messaged me asked me how have I been and we had a short personal conversation. And then he contacted me pretty much every month while he still in the new relationship. I stalked his instagram and noticed he broke up with his new girlfriend at the beginning of September but I didn't react to it.Two weeks later, his band annouced they have a gig soon. I wanted to go but I couldn't decide go or not. A few days later he messaged me again , we had a short conversation and I asked him can I go to the gig or not. he said yes. Two days before the gig he messaged me said he could send me home after the gig although it was late but I rejected. I end up stayed at his house. I have feelings for him again so I messaged him for hungout again two weeks later and we spend the whole weekend together.
After that , I messaged him again when I got home said want to get back with him but he said he just want to be friends. What should I do? Should I start the no contact rule or do something else?
You have to figure out whether his intentions are out of concern as a friend, or he actually likes you still, or just wants the benefits (hookup). Regardless, it would best for you to give him some space, considering you don't know what his intentions are, and he may not know either. Apply the No Contact Rule and focus on yourself in the meantime. If he likes you, he will come back.
Hi,
I would love to talk to you about my situation. Get your advice on it.
So I was with my ex for five years, 3 of those years we were in a long-distance relationship, and we would see each other about every three months for few weeks.
About a month ago she said wanted to break up, and I kinda did a lot of stupid things maybe or not I guess you can tell me.
Frist, i asked to think about it and give me another chance really, and then for a few weeks kinda beg her to, then even fly to China to see her and change her mind.
I know that she chooses to give up on Us, as feels found someone new and is now in a relationship with him in China.
I know that she feels we fight too much, I never share with her, we don't really communicate, and says lost love for me, and feel I am giving too much negativity at times.
I have also written her love notes, wedding vows, sorry notes and more leet to show our future as she says cant see one with me.
I have thought about contacting the new guy and asking him stuff, but do think it would do my harm than good.
I have been emotional and made stupid comments and threats at times.
I talked on the phone to her last night, and she said this me we cant be together, you don't handle situations well, and at times I am like a child. And that she has chosen the new guy, as he was excused to break up with me, then move into it as or just after we break up. She also said to me that why keep trying and pulling back to you, can you give up.
I would like to know if I have done to much harm or do I have the chance to get her if you need any other information and what can I do?
Thank you for your time and thoughts on this matter.
To be entirely honest, there's always a chance, but in long distance relationships, that chance can be a lot slimmer. If she's dating someone new and he is in the same country as her, it's very hard for you to compete because anything you do without being in close proximity can easily be misinterpreted. I would honestly suggest that you be fair to yourself and not contact her for the time being. Practice the No Contact rule for a period before considering anything again.
Hi,
Me and my ex broke up 2 years ago. We didn’t have any contact with each other until one of our close friends set us up to talk in person two months ago. He apologized, for in a way “hurting my feelings” when he dumped me but I didn’t respond. After it took him a month to actually talk to me since we’re both in our last year of high school. After that he’s always found a reason to talk to me and even asked our friend for my social media but I try to stay away because I still have feelings for him, but he has a girlfriend. I don’t want to break them up because he seems so happy and in love, and it’s all I ever wanted for him, as well as it being a stupid reason to try to break them up, it’s messed up. I missed him being back in my life, but I don’t know if I want to push him away again because of my feelings, aswell as I don’t want him to feel as if I hate him or something. I want him back I really do, but I don’t wanna ruin our friendship because we did agree to stay friends. What should I do?
If you have the patience and emotionally capacity, I would suggest waiting it out and staying with friends with him first and see if their relationship lasts. If not, it would be a better idea cutting him out completely since it's only fair to yourself.
Hello,
It's been a while since I wrote here. I ended the no contact rule now and at times it feels like everything is very good we're talking about stuff, she sometimes asks stuff about me etc. The only problem is that I am the one initiating contact all the time although I don't do it too much and I never was needy guy I actually think that I was too aloof about the relationship. Now I don't know how to approach and how to come to the point to actually ask her for a coffee or something I want it to be spontaneous and I am not sure how she feels at the moment. I sometime panic and analyze every message she sends to figure out what's going on. :/ Do you think I should continue initiating contact but not do it too often or should I make a long break and see if she contacts me first I am not sure really :/
Hey Philip,
As my advice to many people, keep it casual. I know how much this means to you and that you don't want to mess things up, but don't stress yourself out too much. Be yourself, and when the chance arises, just ask her out for a coffee. You could always try the 'I heard there's this new coffee place in town, and has pretty good reviews. You wanna check it out some day?' line.
I am doing my best to keep is casual always. We talked recently but this time the conversation didn't end so well, we are not arguing or something but it didn't escalate to the point where things get interesting even though sometimes that is in fact the case. Now I don't know if I should try and continue the conversation or wait a day or two to talk again. Do you think I should say something like "I am glad that we talk again, I missed that" something along those lines or I should just ask her to come and help me with something work related because I actually might need her help.
Thank a lot.
appreciate it.
If you actually may need her help, then perhaps you could just go with that, and in order to thank her, maybe buy her a cup of coffee?
Hi,
I recently talked with her via text and all seemed good but probably because she's on business trip she didn't respond that much to my messages (short answers but positive in most cases). I got nervous because of it and wrote her another message in the evening saying this: "Hey your fav band is here in this new place you need to check it out sometime when you're not working", and since that she didn't respond even though I saw via facebook that she saw the message. Now I am getting nervous since I always think that I screw things up and I think that maybe I shouldn't have wrote those last 1-2 messages. Do you think there's something wrong with my message or not, what should I do next should I just wait if she responds in the near future or should I try to contact her again soon?
Thank a lot!
Sorry if I am a bit boring :)
You should wait a bit before trying again in the future. It could be that she's busy and forgot to reply despite seeing it. Also as you guys may have only recently started talking, and not built up feelings again, she may not be as invested into the conversation so you would probably have to try again in the future if she doesn't reply.
I and my girlfriend have been dating for a year and four months.we have even been talking to well like nothing could come between us even though we are distant because of her school...Until Last week thursday,i was having a conversation with my girlfriend(gf).and then she told me she will be going to a party somewhere after school closes,and that she wont be coming to visit me when school closes causes we have planned on her coming over.i ask her not to go that i didnt want her to go,but she insisted that it was her life,that i had no say it her decision.i got upset and ended the call.The next day i called her and we argued over the party issue again,of which i ended up calling her names which i didnt mean,i said them just to see if she will have a change of heart.that night i had to apologise by sending her a text.i called her the next day apologisng,she said there was no problem,but i noticed her mood had changed and she ended the call saying she wanted to sleep,even when i insisted we should talk.The next day i called her back,and tried talking things through about the argument we had and apologised but it ended with her saying she needed a break from the relationship.i asked her why but she wont say anything.only telling me she wanted finding herself and needed space,which i dont get.i have told her she could go to the party.so she could call off the break but she still insists on the break and that she will be go with or without my consent.i have tried begging her,convincing talk: telling her she knows what she means to me and wht we have been through together.i even asked if there is another guy she says no.i have tried,so she could call the break off,but she still insists that its when she comes back from school that when we shall sit and talk about us,that we could still be talking on phone,with the break.she now talks to me in a rude manner not caring how i feel,picking unnecessary faults.i dont know what to do,cause i know what most breaks in a relationships leads to..i dont want to lose what we share.cause i know we still love each other..what do you think i should do in this situation??i really do need your advice and what i should do..
I suggest giving her some time and space. Maybe she felt too suffocated or that you were too possessive, which may have led her to become uncertain of the relationship. In this case, it's better to back away and show her that you're able to let her live her life without demanding for things to happen. You guys are still young so there may be things that she feels like she wants to do, without being controlled.
Thank you..I will do as you said about giving her space and time..i really dont want our relationship or love to go/die because of the break,dont want a break up..how can i win her trust back?.during this period.i really miss my friend(her).'i need your tips to win her trust back',thank you
Hi. My ex boyfriend and I are not talking anymore for about a month. We were 2 years together. We’re both 25. We are broken up for about 2 months now. And I missed him. I tagged him on a video post on FB a few days ago. I got no reaction. I stalked him on IG and found out he already deleted our pictures together. The main reason we broke up was that he wanted to improve, be strong and be more mature. He wanted to fix his career problems and I wasn't his priority at the moment. He also said that he wasn’t sure of me because he scared we might break up in the future. I know some of it was my fault. Maybe some factors include the consecutive fights gaining to the few weeks of the relationship. He said it wasn’t healthy anymore. He was stressed and I demanded time from him. He was pressured. He also wants to gain more self-confidence. He said he doesn’t deserve me. I asked him if he will come back after he has fixed himself. He said he wasn't sure and that he needed time. I told him that I'm always here for him and if he ever gets the chance, to please contact me after he improved. He said that is what he plans to do. After he improves and he knows that what he is thinking is making sense, he will reach out to me. He mentioned he will reach out to me when he's okay and I'm also okay. I guess he was also pertaining to my career problems and me being dependent on him. He promised me. I thought about him coming back to me after a minimum of a year since his reason for break up was because he wants to mature and I think that a lot of time is needed for that to happen. I am not rushing to get back with him. However, with him deleting pictures of us together and not reacting to me, makes me think he is forgetting about me and already moving on. Does his actions tell that he is moving on already? Or he just isn’t ready? Won't he come back to me anymore? Is moving on part of his plan to fix himself?
Hey Christine,
It could be one of two reasons: 1) It was a convenient excuse to give you to break up and he has lost feelings for you. 2) He really needs space to grow right now and he's caught up in whatever his goals are. Either way, I suggest that you do the same. Spend your time improving yourself and aiming to become a better person as well, so that if he does come back in the future, you'll still be on the same frequency as him (and he falls for you based on the new you). If he doesn't, at least you can make him regret leaving you in the first place when he sees the changes you've made to yourself.
Hello Team,
It is a great program, it helped me a lot! I finished the NC time and got in touch again with my boyfriend. I wrote him two days ago and I am really happy that I did it, however I feel kinda of weird about it. After writing him, I was happy but I started missing him more, than before. He was the one who broke up, therefore I don't really want to mess up things again. The situation is, that he was asking me things, like oh, how was your weekend and expected me to tell a whole story like I used to. Instead of that, I stood mysterious and told him, that it was great, I did a lot of funny things with my friends at the Christmas market. My problem is that how could I stay mysterious and in the same time, how much should I share with him, in order to not seem too distant or close-minded? I am really having trouble with getting again in contact... Could you please advise?
There's always a fine line between mysterious and cold. Perhaps you could always try a 2-detail approach where the story you tell doens't go beyond 2 main points so that you don't come across as cold, but leave a certain air of mystery around yourself.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. It was on and off for a while but now its final. I met here two days after, And it was great and sad at the same time. I hadn't seen here for 2 months because its a bit of a long distance relationship. its a 1 hour drive. But it felt great, she was all over me and she told me she missed me and that she had forgotten how attractive I looked so we basically fucked. But at the ending of the night she didnt want to kiss me anymore because she really wants to go through with this breakup. Because she needs space to find herself and become a better version of herself. And she dont have time for it because of here study. This shit all began when she cheated on me by pecking another dude in the mouth. So I forgave her. But now she wants to leave, I think its the long distance and maybe lack of time. Because we never had any problems. Do I still have a chance of getting here back? because I really do enjoy spending time with this girl. Also she asked me to send some photo's of us together from the early phase of our relationship So I did and later I applied the no contact on her. I am really confused I dont know what to do, because she clearly is very attracted to me. and I just cant seem to have control over here. She is just calm and it bothers me. Please help I tried to fuck another girl the day of the breakup but Im still miserable.
Hey,
You should continue no contact. When you get back in touch, don't immediately sleep with her. Build an emotional connection with her first. Read this article on winning her back.
Hi, it's been 2 weeks since i broke up with my boyfriend. During this time we were talking on the phone and i texted him a couple of times but he didn't respond to all my messages. He said that he needs space and wants to be alone because we've been fighting for unnecessary things every single day. Last week i asked to see him and he came but he said the same things that he was saying it on the phone. He kissed me, hugged me tight, said that he still loves me but he doesn't love the relationship we were into in the last month and that we need some space. He said that it's so hard for him too and it will be more hard for both of us after we see each other and because of that i should stop texting and calling him and to let the things work themselves out. I can't understand him because all i was asking from him the last time was attention and love cuz he was so cold to me. He also said that if we need to be together we will be, that its a matter of time. So he said that he still loves me, thinks about me, that its a hard situation for him too but now he wants to be alone. What should i do??😞😞
Hey there, it seems pretty clear what he needs right now and what you should do as well. Since he keeps insisting that he needs space, give it to him because the more you try and force your way back into his life, the more it's going to push him away. He seems to still have feelings for you, but it's just that he needs some time to let go of the past negative emotions.
Hello,
It's been a while since I last messaged here and I couldn't find the place where you've replied so I will just post a new message. So I've been doing great I did the no contact rule and now I started talking again with my ex. It really seems like we're in a relationship when we talk it's nice and she asks things about me too, making jokes etc. Now I don't want to get overly excited about this because even though this is the case I know it may not work out or it may backfire if I don't do things well. The problem now is that I usually start conversations (text first) even though she's always open to communication so one good and on bad thing. I am trying to slowly text more and more often but I'm scared that I might act out as needy even though we never talk about any past problems/relationship things, just good memories, future plans etc. Can you give me advice on how what to do next and how do I approach this thing I want to eventually ask her out for a coffee or a snack but I can't know for sure when's the right time, should I try calling her on the phone or do some other thing? Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks a lot,
Phillip.
Hey Phillip,
I guess you could always start finding common topics to talk about (that recent movie, something that happened to you today, etc) that will naturally build connection with her, and topics that can link to others. This ensures your conversation with her doesn't run dry and when you let her interact with you instead of the usual boring texts like 'have you eaten', she wouldn't think that you're being needy since she is also participating in the conversation. Perhaps one good way to ask her out is to mention a new coffee place that recently open and ask if she's been there. You could always talk about how you've heard such good reviews about it and you've been meaning to go but never had the chance to and was wondering if she'd like to go check it out with you some time.
Hello kelvin,i cheated on my girlfriend and i truely regret my actions..we have been dating for 6years and she has being really nice and caring to me and stood by me all the way..The painful part of it was the way she found about the other girl. ..the side chick came to house and met my girl and told her alot of stuff about us to my girl and even lied too .i told the side chick from onset that i am in a serious relationship,so she knew her position in the relationship.I love my girl alot and i want her to be happy,the mess really affected her and she is a shadow of herself. .I have apologized and begged her for forgiveness but she still insisting she doesn't want the relationship anymore...All i want now is for her to be happy and bounce back to life before asking her to come back...How do i go about it?
You can't do anything right now. You being around her will only ensure that she won't move past this situation or recover from it. You should be fair to her since your actions caused the consequences to take place. I don't think all hope is lost however, if she really does love you, but you have to give her space and time to heal on her own before you consider trying to talk to her again. You can always refer to this article for more help on cheating situations.
Hi, so we had a minor argument just over a week ago now, I haven't spoken to her since the phone call conversation we had. the scenario is we had a good week leading up to the last and spent quite a bit of time together and generally she was being pretty needy over texts and calling me a lot, then the following week we both just gave ourselves a bit of space as you do, we would only really text each other a couple of times at most each day, most days I'd let her start and end the conservation, I had one phone call conversation with her during the week, and she was paying no attention to anything I was saying, as during the phone call as she was constantly messaging people on her phone, I thought nothing of it and just let it go, although from past experiences i could tell something was up. anyway I didn't speak to her again over the phone till on Saturday, i was going out that night so thought id call her, during the phone call 'supposedly' her mum call hers, she then says she has to take the call, she put the phone down mid conversation and said she'd text me. But she never did. Not to be a doormat as you say within the 5 step rule I thought I best say something because I'm not having her think I'm going to let her walk all over me. she then apologised for it, and we had a bit of a humorous conversation afterwards, anyway the next morning shes messaged me, replying to a picture I sent her, she was laughing at it, I decided to call her as I was driving at the time, pretty much straight away she starts kicking off on me. Saying I don't see you that way anymore, I see you as a friend. why its came about I don't know. again I wasn't pleading/ begging for her to take me back, I was being firm with her. anyway since then I haven't spoken to her, or looked at her stories on Snapchat etc. However she has been looking at mine, I even saw her work friend out this weekend just gone and she had no clue we had an argument even though they were both at a staff party the night before (I didn't say much to her just acted happy and kept smiling and laughing). what do you recommend doing because I'm a bit unsure how long I need to leave it for before speaking to her again? I'm not overall annoyed or depressed, I'm still going to the gym regularly and going out etc, so I don't feel i need to heal myself as you would say. thanks for reading this, much appreciated.
Even if you don't need to heal, the time taken apart may have help you see what was wrong with the relationship back then and if you still want to go back into it. If she had suddenly lost feelings for you, clearly something was up. Applying NC would give her some space as well and may help her get some clarity over how she feels.
If i could show you messages and how she was with me the week before then possibly you'd gain a better understanding, I posted elsewhere that her EX had messaged her, I didn't react to this, I never do. I'm not the jealous type because I'm very confident in myself. Perhaps it had messed with her head a bit, I'm not sure if she was trying to find an excuse to push me away and I gave it to her, or maybe she just needed sometime on her own just to get her head straight. That probably explains why her friend didn't have a clue about the argument. listen what will be will be.. I'm not going to give up on her without a fight, because at the end of the day she's my best mate and I know the way she feels about me.. Shes just hard work and struggles with her insecurities i think
She’s started posting quotes on social media sites now, I guess you’d say that was an attention seeking thing? She did do this last time it happened months ago. I’m not going to react
If that's the case, and you know what causes her insecurities, don't you think as a boyfriend, you should help her out with them and assure her that there's nothing to be insecure about? It's good to be someone with confidence, but if the confidence becomes the factor that deters the relationship, is it really a good thing?
Hi it's an year and half since me and my ex broke up.i just can't forget about him.he claims that he loves me but he cannot trust me.Funny bit of story he is still keeping our photos when we we're dating. We are planning to meet but am not sure if am doing the right thing
If you really want him back even after all this while, then why not start as friends first to catch up and see how things go? If he can't trust you for whatever reasons, are there ways or things you can do to re-gain that trust?
Hello, I’m having a hard time here. My ex broke up with me in September. We had a amicable breakup and I went into no contact shortly after. Completed no contact and texted my ex who I also happen to work with. I applied text strategies that were fun and engaging. It’s been hit or miss on if she responds. She broke up with me but yet she’s mad at me. I finally confronted her and asked her and she said that yes she’s mad at me and it’s in regards to something I said about the relationship to someone. I don’t know who or what was said and she didn’t tell me. The night she broke up with me I told her that we would get back together one day. I told her I wouldn’t wait around but I had confidence that one day we’d be back together. She got really choked up, smiled and left before she changed her mind. The other day she told me that when she asked me the night we broke up to still be friends that my face indicated that I didn’t want that and that I closed the door on our friendship. She said she found that interesting that I closed the door considering I said we’d get back together one day. Now, there haven’t been many positives between us since we broke up, but I feel the fact that she referenced that was a positive. However, I sent her a text the next day and said I didn’t know what she was mad about and that when she’s ready I’d love to talk to clear the air. That was on Wednesday and she never replied. I’m at a lost for what to do. She’s extremely stubborn and she’s going to push because that’s what’s she does. I’m the only boyfriend she’s ever had and pushing people away is what she does. Please help...
If she's always pushing people away, there's no point in you pushing harder because then it becomes a match to see who gives up first. Why not give her a little space since the feeling of being mad at you was recently 'sparked', and come back to talking to her again, after some time has passed (a week or two). You may find this article helpful as well.
So even though I’ve come out of no contact you would still advise giving her some more space? I bought her a gift months ago for Christmas. I was planning on giving her space from now until Christmas and then giving her the gift along with the clean slate letter. Do you think that’s okay?
For the no contact, does that mean i should block him on snapchat so he doesn't see my stories?
You don't have to as long as you're not the one contacting him personally. You can use this article to help you further
Hii..I and my bf was in relation for 18months...A month ago suddenly he broke up with me. I didnot know what was my mistake? I had asked him But he didnot respone.. he ignored me.he had block my number and blocked in social websites. I had message him alot but no reply. I cried and beg but he didnot care.. i want him back in my life.plz help me
If he has blocked you everywhere, then it might be better to let the relationship go and focus on moving on. Some things are beyond your control and this may be one of those times. You can ask him why the decision to break up but it is unlikely that he will reply since he has blocked you.
How do you do this if he hates you?
People only hate people who they care about. If he doesn't care about you, why would he spend so much energy hating you? Read Signs your ex still has feelings for you.
Thanks for this article! I’m definitely going to try out NC, however I just found out on my ex’s Instagram that he has hurt his fingers. Do I drop him a concerned text or just leave it? Based on the fact that I still want to make things work between us.
Hey there, you could drop him a simple text since you haven't started on NC yet, but do not further the conversation into too much depth and get caught up in it emotionally.
My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago during an argument. We talked about things afterward and he says that he felt like I didn't care about his feelings. He was upset because I would always question his love and say he was going to leave me...I have some abandonment issues...but he was always really good to me and we have a lot in common and had lots of fun together and very similar values and beliefs. He said he tried to make things work and still cared about me but he felt like I couldn't see how HE felt...truthfully I care about him a lot but have been abandoned a lot and don't have very high self esteem. He has always been very understanding but I guess he got fed up? Anyways he said that we could stay friends and that I could talk to him and even said something about maybe some day we could try again after we both worked on some things....but now he's not responding to me at all. I decided to not contact him for at least a month or two but I'm confused about why he was still talking to me as a friend and wont now..and is there a chance? Should I just move on and try to forget? I feel so lost.
Have you already completed the NC? I suggest doing so first as perhaps right now, he needs some space as well to recover which is why he isn't texting you. Likewise, you too should take this time to work on your self-esteem issues to give yourself more confidence in the people around you. At least with a clearer state of mind, you're able to decide again then whether to stay or walk away once you can see the picture clearly for what it is.
Hey , my ex broke up with me and we were living together and he moved away etc. We have to keep contact for the flat. I begged and cried at the begining , then I did the no contact rule for a month. During that no contact I realized I was a bad girlfriend because I was making reproaches and sometimes was moody. He really loved me ( first girl he presented to his fam ever, told me it was different , longest relationship , had a flat..) but I'm really scared that he will never want me back because I was a bit lunatic. and annoying I changed now and I'm better. He acts cold, he never texts me and during the break up he said he knew that I would never change but I see he watches all of my stories on snapchat so he still seems to care as he stalks me somehow. What should I do..
Hi Mel, since it has been some time you guys have broken up, perhaps you could always start by initiating casual contact with him to check in on how he's doing and if you want to, apologize for your behavior in the past. It's all about baby steps, and slowly working towards your goal. Start off as friends and regain his trust and give him time to see that you have changed.
Hey Ryan thanks for the reply. Wednesday I met him for the flat and he got mad at me because he took something I said wrong ( I said " are you upset that I took the broken computer to repair it ?"). He told me that I was always reversing the situation and making reproaches. I said that I was sorry that he took it wrong , and that I didn't want to make any reproach, I wanted to show him that I was different , by saying sorry with a calm sweet voice , but I don't think he even noticed , as he just believed I was making a reproach anyway , like when we were together... He hasn't been watching my snapchat stories since then , I'm really worried , I'm scared that he believes that I can't change,3 weeks ago he chatted with my twin and said that I'd never change and that I "wasn't the right one" but appeared to be jealous ( thought I had another BF.). I'm scared that he remembers only bad memories ( when I'd be lunatic for ex and make a crysis over nothing) and that it avoids him from wanting me back.. I just feel like the more time goes the more he realises life is better without me as he doesn't feel opressed anymore ( he told me he was often felt anxious that I'd get mad or smthing..) or that he doesn't let me be close to him because he doesn't want to live all of this again.. Whenever we meet , he is extra cold and acts like if I was a stranger to him..
Maybe its still too soon if that's the case. Perhaps even more time is needed in order for him to actually let go of the past. We all do eventually, but it's just a matter of how long.
So what does that mean and what should I do ? Also a little update : I guess he was busy this week end so couldn't check on social medias but he watched my snapchat stories tonight , I'll see him tomorrow as we "give back the flat", it's going to be really painful for me..
See how things go tomorrow, and like I say, perhaps its still too soon and he needs more space. In which case, I suggest continuing with NC for a longer period of time before trying to be friends with him again.
Hello thanks again for the response ! I survived! It was really hard. I saw my ex. He was neutral ( kinda) , and asked how my leg is going (it's broken) , last time we met , he didn't...! I was talking to the lady about the flat and signing some papers and I noticed he was looking at me from time to time , looking at my face..( I hope I didn't look too ugly bcs I had a long day) . He had weird eyes , like idk if it was sadness or pity or idk ( or maybe he was like " How did I do to fall inlove with her she isn't really beautiful..!!). I also found out that he kept a furniture he told me he couldn't " bring me back " and that he would " throw" to sell it online.. Kinda selfish move , it was belonging to us both but he didn't want to keep it at the begining , he was " too lazy" to make anything of it so " decided" to "throw it away". When we left the flat , I was deeply hoping that he would ask me if I needed help going back home ( it's really hard , 3 bus and 1 train to go from there to my house and with my broken leg...!!!). He said " Well , bye " and turned his back and got into his car. I wonder if he still loves me because he doesn't seem to care about me anymore.. I'll do the nc again because now we have no more reasons to see/chat each other ( Apart from the computer he wants back and repaired!!!) but I'm scared that he meets someone and falls inlove with her , and forget me..? He hangs out a lot and his friends are like really party guys and they will make him go to parties and stuffs so yeah..
Update : I saw that his mom deleted me from everywhere ( she is kinda the one who pushed the break up as she got kicked out of her flat by her ex and she went to live with us but a week after took a flat with my ex which led to the break up but she wasn't the reason but he " took the opportunity" to get away from me and my bad behaviors...). It destroyed me , like really bad. I also saw on snapchat that he is at the restaurant ( thanks to the localisation thing , I accidently opened it and saw he was somewhere new and looked where..). As we are finally done since today ( no reasons to see each other anymore, flat stuffs done..) I'm scared that it's like a celebration ( he never goes to restaurant..). I'm really destroyed , I changed a lot, I'm a nicer and more relax person and stuffs and I evolved a lot , but I still am extremely sad from all of this and I'm really scared that he moves on forever..
Well, to be entirely honest, what he does now is beyond your control Melanie. It's going to be hard and although your worries may be justified (whether he dates someone else), you should still focus only on yourself regardless. Spend your NC time doing things that help you move on emotionally and physically; recover from that broken leg too. When all that is done, you can decide again how you feel about him, based on the situation.
I have dated a guy last year ago that I've find he's the man that matched with me but at the same time he wasn't my type. So during dating our relationship is about up and down since he wants a girl that I am not, and I want him to be the guy that he is not. But nevertheless he is gentleman and kind it was a really great date and I do truly enjoy my time with him, despite maybe he doesn't feel the same. So I decided to give a closure year ago, and blocked all the contacts. We never had a contact since a year. Maybe I was childish and demanding the ideal prince back then, but I've matured and realized how wrong I was back then and start accepting and analyzing things differently. That I'm ready to accept him for what he was. Anyway, I didn't know he was doing, if he has a new relationship nor his number anymore, but I do really miss him a lot and was thinking about saying hi to him again, asking how is life going anyway since I managed to find his facebook. I started to think that it was childish of me back then to block all contacts, but now I wanted to start by being a friend. But if he tells me that he already in relationship or enganged then I'll accept that and just back off. Does that sound creepy? Need opinion
No I don't think it sounds creepy. Since it's been a year, I think it would be okay to start off as friends again, and just ask him how he's doing.
Hi K,
So my bf broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for about 6 years. We meet right after high school and did not have much of an idea of what type of relationship we wanted. We both had SO at that time but we were very attracted to each other. We lived together for about 4 years, and still unsure what we wanted.. we really loved the friendship we had... I began talking to a guy for about a year or so at my job and he became very controlling because he did not like that i lived with my best friend and wanted me to himself. I dropped him and he stalked me for a few months and somehow found out where my bff worked and left him a nasty letter about me. This is when we both realized we wanted to be more than friends. We both felt like crap and wanted to make things work. Fast forward to a year and a half later, he cheats on my with his ex. I became distant because I was hurt. He moved out and pushed himself back into my life. Did not let me do any grieving or processing. I did not want to lose him. The last two years of our relationship were complicated. It was hard for both of us to express how we felt. He turned to emotional relationships with other females but I still stayed and wanted to provide that for him. I trusted him but when stuff like this occurred I couldn't see anything good out of him, but I still wanted him. He expressed he made stupid mistakes and did not understand why. I always tried to justify his actions by my behavior and childhood issues. He was a loving and caring individual but I was blindsided by all of the hurt. A couple of months ago he asked me no to leave him because he loved me and wanted to be with me. He needed me. I told him I was not going anywhere and we were going to work on this. At the end of October he dumped me because he could not commit to our relationship any longer. I learned he is talking to a new girl. She is everything he has wanted in a girl. She is perfect. And this makes me feel like crap. He has denied it.I saw him in my future, I wanted him to be in my future, but I do not think he saw me in his. He pulled off the "its not me its you" card on me. It has been a hard transition when you talk and see someone for so long and you stop cold turkey. I have my moments but I am working through them and allowing myself to cry and feel all of my emotions. I know I do not have a chance with him anymore... but I am still hopeful. He is out and about doing his thing. From the last text message he asked if thought it was easy for him and he was hurting too and he was sorry i was hurting.. all of our pictures from social media have been deleted on his account. He is really interested in this new girl. It has been about a week with NC and reading this articles is making me wonder if the NC period would even matter to him. I am always told follow your heart.. but I have in the past and this is where it brought me. I am still confused but doing the step necessary for self growth and love.
Hey There,
Following your heart usually means following what you want emotionally and instinctively, and that is usually the wrong decision to make. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that you want him back but sometimes you have to follow you brain instead and do the logical thing to be fair to yourself. Not every relationship is worth getting back for especially if it's going to continue hurting you in the process. NC is not meant for him at the end of the day but for you, Milly. It's meant for you to get past the hurt, grief and crying, and back the point of a functional person. It's only at this stage that you decide again if you want him back, or realize that your feelings for him been blinding you from seeing any truth. It's like you say, we make excuses for our partners at times because our judgement is clouded and NC is meant for you to uncloud that judgement.
You are right. The NC is for me not for him. He’s been pretty clear through his behavior and actions that he never cared about me or took me seriously. It’s very unfortunate because we both held on for so long, but it is a learning experience for me. Despite still loving him and hurting still, I know he will never be the right one for me.
Is it normal to feel indifferent?
Different people will face different emotions, but signs of indifference can mean that you've already accepted the outcome mentally, which is a good thing.
Hi, so my ex has been texting me a lot more frequently the last couple of days. We’ve been talking about school and has expressed he misses my younger siblings and would like to see them. At this point I still feel I’m reading more into these messages than I should be because he’s still in communication with the girl he’s interested in. It makes me wonder what he wants. I know I need to set boundaries, but how? I enjoy texting him because my mood changes, positively. What do I do!
when i think the conversation is over he’ll start a new topic. hes also said he’d been fighting the urge to text me and his misses his best friend.
Hello, so my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after we’ve been together for a year. It was a long distance most of the time but we were planning to get married soon. We had planned out our future and everything together already. But I got super drunk about a month ago and ended up in bed with some guy I barely knew. I didn’t remember what happened to me that night and neither did the guy that was with me. I was traumatized and freaked out in the morning because I was in pain and naked in bed alone. I found the used condom next to my bed a few minutes later when I got out of bed. I called my friend and she told me she couldn’t help me right at the moment and she told me I shouldn’t call the police because they wouldn’t do anything since both that guy and I didn’t give consent into having sex with each other plus we both were really drunk and we’re under aged for drinking. So the next thing I did was calling my boyfriend and told him what happened since my friend couldn’t help me. At that time I was still shocked and traumatized my story was all over the place and it probably didn’t make a lot of sense. Anyway, my boyfriend broke up with me that day. We were on the phone twice that day and we haven’t talked since then. I was acting super needy and clingy for about 3 days, then I stopped. Then about 2 weeks later I texted him on Snapchat for advice and ended up asking him what he was up to. The one that hurt the most was him telling me he was talking to a girl. I didn’t say anything about it and ended the conversation with other things that he told me about. I cried all day and night for the next 4-5 days. Since then, we haven’t texted each other but then he called me but I didn’t answer. I texted him back to tell him I was busy and that I’ll call back later. He texted me back and said that our friend needs help so I called him back a few minutes later and sure enough it our friend and the side of the phone call. And I texted him to asked if I could call him but he said no so I didn’t because I know he still needs some time. It’s been about 2 weeks since those it happened and I haven’t talked to him or texted him at all since then. He hasn’t blocked me at all in anything and he told our friends we still have a friendship but there’s a 95% chance that he will not get back to getting with me because nonetheless, I cheated on him even if it was out of drunkenness. I just bought the EBP advanced system and I’ve already finished reading it. Do you there’s anything chance Time we heal both of us and with time and effort will I be able to regain his trust back and get back together and have a strong relationship?
Hey Kim,
If it's as you said, you're both still relatively young, and that leads to more impulsive decisions. If he still wants to remain friends with you, then it might be a good thing since he hsan't cut you off. Perhaps if you want, you could start off casually by building his trust and friendship again before working your way to something more from there. Trust can usually be earned but it takes time and effort.
My ex boyfriend contacted me on my 30th day of NC. He reached and we ended up hanging out two days in a row. The second night was with friends and it was like old times. It wasn’t weird. It was a little awkward because we are still trying to figure out how this works. But we haven’t discussed the idea of getting back together or what we are. I think that conversation is a little too soon and too much pressure. But after the second day, he said he would call me and he still hasn’t. I have not spoken to him since Sunday. Would it be rushing it if I were to message him or should I always wait for him to make the initial contact? I’ve worked on myself and honestly life has picked up for me. But I’m not sure where we stand. When we hung out, it’s like we picked up where we left off. We just fit but I don’t want to fall back in old routines.
What should I do?
Hey Kathie,
My suggestion would be to probably wait until Friday then you could drop a casual text if you want to to ask him what he's up to over the weekend?
I did exactly what you said and we agreed to hang out this upcoming weekend. How do I treat the situation? I want to try to make us work in time but I want to do it slowly without rushing it. I’m not sure where his feelings lye. How do I convey this and how do I act?
Like I said, treat it casually. You don't want to fall back into old routines so you shouldn't pour your heart and emotions to him this early. Depending on what you guys are doing, my suggestion would be to limit your approaches on physical contact, and basically treat it like it was a first date (if you are meeting him in the evening). At least let him take the initiative and you'll be able to get a better picture on where his feelings lie.
Hello Kevin and team. Your advice has been invaluable to me so far.
I have a question: if my ex and I didn't break up on good terms (some nagging and me being clingy until he stopped replying to my messages), at the end of No Contact is it better to write an "elephant in the room" text, a hand written letter, or send one of the other kinds of texts as if nothing happened?
Hi Karen,
Well technically, things didn't end on ugly terms, he probably just ended up annoyed and hence why he stopped replying. If you were initiate contact again, I suggest it should be as casual as possible, possibly a text to start things off, instead of a letter. You shouldn't completely pretend that nothing happened but acknowledge that you were clingy back then and just apologize for it, before moving on to a different topic.
My fiance and I were having a lot of issues because I felt like he was putting his friends over me ALL THE TIME. We had been together almost 5 years when we got in a huge fight and I asked him to leave and not come back till he figured out how I fit in his life. He agreed and it has now been 22 days since he has lived with me. In that 22 days I've seen him like 4 times and at first we were talking briefly every day but after he had been gone 12 days I ended it and asked him to get all his stuff. I have not reached out to him in 7 days. I do reply to him when he reaches out only because we have a lot of financial stuff I am trying to get settled but it is strictly business. Even when he tries to small talk I just redirect the conversation. Anyways...he hasn't reached out since Thanksgiving. We have a side job we signed up for together and have an obligation for that this week which assuming he shows up will be the first time I'll see him in 16 days. Looking back I realize that instead of making home somewhere he would rather be than with his friends I was always constantly nagging him which made the choice of friends or me even easier. I want him back! Any suggestions for me? As I said I am doing the no contact thing already. I have been spending time with friends and doing other things that make me feel good about myself. I am nervous to see him this week as I don't know if I'll be able to keep my emotions in tact. He still hasn't picked up his stuff and while it hurts to see it still there, it also gives me hope that he might realize he misses me and come home.
Hi there,
As you guys have been together for a long time and are even engaged, I don't think he will lose feelings for you that easily. However, it's also as you said, maybe he didn't feel that home was a place he wanted to be and this could have been a factor pushing him away. The fact that he hasn't picked up his stuff yet either means that he expects to see you one day again still. Perhaps see what happens during this week at the work thing you guys have and play it out from there. If you really want him back, you definitely to control your emotions but at the same time, make sure that you do not keep pushing opportunities away to get close to him once more.
Hey, glad that I found here, My ex and I matched on Tinder, but we are long distance, I am in Taiwan and he is in the states, we dated for almost two month, were having so much spark, I even went to states visited him just making sure he is the guy that I want, it turned out, I truly love him, and I think he is the one for me, I think I am the one who screwed this relationship up, I can tell him loved me or still love me by sharing his days with me, but he said he wanna be friend with me first, and he can't commit to a person who is far away, we already have plan to move together after two years, and he is also going to me see in Feb, 2018 for a week, what should I do? I haven't texted him since today, he texted me early this morning, I didn't reply, I really don't know what to do?
Hi Tracy,
Perhaps since you know he isn't able to commit to a relationship when you're so far away, it might be better to protect your own heart and brace for anything that may happen in the future. A long distance relationship is never easy, but your actions will really be determined by what you want. If you want to be with him no matter how difficult it may be, then you should continue talking to him to see where it heads until Feb, but try to do so casually so that you won't get hurt.
Dear Kevin,
I had a long distance relationship, which ended because my boyfriend wanted to be alone. He had many bad relationships with really short breaks between them. We have been together for almost a year, everything was great, he always told me that I make him happy, till the moment we broke up. When saying goodbye he asked me to write him, because he doesn't want to loose me because he has feelings for me, even if he doesn't feel right to tell me, that he loves me... I am prepared to get in touch with him, as I changed my life and become a happy person and I have good news, like I have applied to the master university we planned to go and not for him, but myself. I don't know how and when to tell him, he will ask about it directly, I know. Can you advise me? In January he will go to an Academy and I am concerned that this news will make him push me away or to see a pattern, that his grandparents and parents had. Both of them had a break and lived in long-distance. I think he actually broke up thinking that this method would work for us to. Could you please advise how should I tell him the good news to not appear needy and to make it in my advantage?
Kindest regards,
Eve
Hi Eve, as this is part of initiating contact with your ex once again, I suggest finding a good time to write to him casually or however you guys normally communicate. You can always start by asking him how things are going and making small talk at the start before updating him on the changes in your life.
Hi Ryan,
I wrote him last night and the conversation went pretty well, he sometimes acted cold and then he was like in old times, all open and crazy. I wanted to keep things short, so when I was just about to write the goodbye text, he sent me one. So, I kinda of freeze but told him, that oh, I was just thinking the same thing and that I should go to bed too, because I promised a friend to hit the gym in the morning. I closed the message saying that it was nice talking and that maybe we could catch up another time and good night. The answer came right away he wrote that we should catch up. I don't know, if he managed to send the goodbye text earlier than me,I mean we wanted to say good night in the same time, is it a big problem...? I am thinking of writing him in 2 days... What do you think? Was the ending part too shady? Should I write him in 3 days instead of 2, if he won't contact me? Kindest regards, Eve
Hey Eve,
Don't overthink things. I think the fact that he agreed to catching up soon was a good first step forward. Waiting 2 or 3 days is not the important part. What's important is how you feel about things and whether he starts contacting you again. If he doesn't, then you could always ask him out for a coffee sometime when possible (I'm not sure of the convenience since you said you were in a LDR).
Hi Ryan,
Yes, we were in long distance relationship and for us meeting for a cup of coffee, would mean a voice call. We had a second conversation, which was longer than the first one and he asked me about the changes I made. I told him a couple of examples (didn't mentioned the university application) and he seemed to be happy about them, however this time he acted colder. I know, that each start is hard and I wouldn't like to give up now. I would like to achieve somehow a voice call, because we are both better at it than typing. One of the triggers I have, is my voice, he really liked it a lot and that's something that would make him miss me more. Do you think it would be a good idea or to early to ask him, if he would like to call and catch up? Or should I continue with texting and maybe a few snaps? It might sound silly, but I don't want to mess up things right now. From our conversation I felt like he is not happy, his words somehow suggested that he might regret breaking up. Could you please advise or just give me a man opinion? Kindest regards, Eve
Hi Ryan,
A little bit of update. He asked me about university application and we somehow ended up agreeing that our next conversation will be a voice call. I am pretty happy about that, hope it will go well. Some advice on that? It will be just a simple call, so no video-chat.
That's good to hear Eve. Yes, a simple call would suffice and try to limit the amount of small talk for the start but perhaps end the call on some sort of 'cliff hanger' so that there will be a reason to interact again.
Hi Ryan,
We had the voice call. Honestly, I am not sure how did it went, however when I told him about a few changes he asked about, he was like telling me this continuously: It's really good to hear that/ I am glad that... I tried to keep my answers short and let him to talk more. As a boomerang, the university subject came up and he seemed to be really interested in what I am going to do. I told him, that among another uni I have also applied to the same uni he is going. He seemed okay. He acted once cold but he opened up a bit, however I sensed that he was affected hearing my voice. I knew that my voice and face is one of his weaknesses and I took advantage of it. Because of bad internet connection, our conversation was interrupted and after a few tries we stopped calling. Seeing that he wrote: "It was nice catching up with you", I kind of had the feeling that he tries to go away... I mentioned that we didn't really finished the conversation, to which he replied that we will do that another day. Not knowing what to do, I wrote him the following: "Yes, I just thought that we will have more time to talk, but it's fine. Perhaps you could write sometimes to catch up properly or just to simply talk." His answer was: "I will, and it's more nice to talk than write, so talk to you later." I feel like an idiot now. This was two days ago and he didn't wrote since then... I don't know what to do, if it would be worth to try again after a couple of days if he won't contact me. I was thinking about sending him an elephant message, just to make clear that I have accepted the break up and so on. But don't know if it's a good idea. Is it possible that he got more affected by the voice call than I thought he was? I know, that here is a lot of information, but could you please help me Ryan?
Thank you in advance, Eve
Hi Ryan,
Now it has been a week already. No talking, haven't written to him. Should I contact him? I promised him a receipe... I was thinking to send it, and perhaps it would be a good push for a conversation. What do you think?
Kind regards,
Eve
Hi Eve,
Yes, you could contact him to send him the recipe as intended and see how things go from there. If he isn't contacting you at the start, it might be better to slowly build back a habit of doing so by occasional calls or texts to get him used to the idea of talking to you again.
Hi Ryan,
I have sent him the recipe after which he started a conversation, which went pretty well, we laughed and talked about some interesting subjects too. We talked for like 3 hours and a bit. The conversation ended in a "cliff hanger". I was really happy about it till I got a text from him saying that he is really happy that we talked and he would like to do that again as he had fun and he saw that I have changed and he doesn't want to loose me as a friend. Ouch, I think I have might entered the friend zone... How I got out of that? We were in long distance relationship and soon he will leave to an academy which will last for 6 months. Lucky me, due to my project, I will be sent to that academy for a week in 2 months to write an article about it. How could I get out of being a friend till I got to the academy? Is there any chance for that? We have even flirted a bit today in a very obvious way... I start to be confused now but I want to make this work since I have begun it. Any advice?
Thank you very much!
Hi Ryan,
I just found out that I will be there for Valentine's day with a co-worker. I don't know what should I do till then and when I am there...
Take things easy. It's highly common for an ex to see you as a friend first. You just have to build an emotional connection with him over time, and continue with your conversations as per normal so that habits are formed and he gets used to texting you. Also, 2 months is a long time from now. You can probably make things work by then, don't think too far ahead for now. Just focus a day at a time and continue building your bond with him.
Hi Ryan,
What if I am the one who is always texting? When can I expect that to change?
It's hard to say, but typically if you keep him interested enough and build on habits, he would get used to the idea and becomes the one that would initiate from time to time.
Hi Ryan,
I know that you might be annoyed by me already but you were right. He initiated contact and we videochated. This was the first time when he actually saw me after the break up. He was smiling all the time and he apologiezed for hurting me which really surprised me just like the fact that he told me, he doesn't want a relationship for a couple of months, he wants to focus on himself. I was happy that he told me all these things from his own will. However, he made me a little bit confused. This week he hanged out with his first love, Nadia, who is in a relationship. Being drunk Nadia confessed him that she doesn't love her boyfriend and she would like to try it with my ex. He told me that when beeing in previous relationships, he would have broken up if Nadia would have ask him to do that. He told me that he is really confused because when meeting me and being with me Nadia was just a friend, an old memory for him and now, he wants to be single... What does this mean? He told me that he would like another videochat with me when returning from the New Years weekendhouse and he also offered me to help me with my univeristy things if I would like to. He knows that I will go to the academy and he told me he can't wait to see me, however I am concerned regarding Nadia... Is she just a bad habbit for him or what is she? When being with me he didn't want her and now... I am confused... What should I do? Building attraction no matter what and not ask about Nadia? Could you please help me?
Thank you very much and a Happy New Year!
I would suggest that you focus only on building attraction. By asking about Nadia, you may come across as someone jealous or petty and your ex may catch on to that. You don't want your actions to ultimately push him away from you and to her.
Hi, my GF broke up with me on the 4th of this month. Happened so suddenly. Turns out she was feeling up and down for the last 6 months. She would be happy and she wouldn't be. We were together for a year and a half. Her reasons were that she no longer found me attractive and she didn't feel the same about me. She wasn't in love with me as I was in love with her. The most she could do is hug, kiss and hold my hand. That's it. She deleted our photos together on Facebook and Instagram. We are still friends on Facebook and instagram, however. I broke no contact after 5 days. I texted her if she would still like to talk. she didnt mind talking when we both had time she said. We used to text all the time everyday. During my lunch break she would text me and during the night before bed. Needless to say this stopped. She wouldn't text me back and forth like she did back then. No texts during my lunch break either. There would be large time gaps in between texts. So, one night I asked her if we would ever see each other again. She said she didn't plan on it because it would be weird. I told her that we didn't end things on a bad note. Then she said maybe. " A long time from now when she feels less weird about it." So I asked her if she still likes talking to me. She said yes, or else she would have said so if she didn't. After a week of texting, I started No contact again 9 days ago. I don't know if telling her I was going ghost was a good idea or not. I told her I was going to work on myself physically and mentally and that we need time, About a month or so. Her response was, that she thought it was a good idea and to take as much time as I need, and then we would see where we are at. I obsess over that response. Does it seem she would try things again? It sounds like a chance to me. Im her longest relationship to date. We got along so well and we rarely fought. Keep in mind I did all this prior to finding out this website. Im also keeping a journal to write my thoughts in each day of no contact. I find it beneficial and having a piece of mind letting my thoughts flow out. I have been going to the gym and working out since the break up I lost 11 lbs currently and I am looking and feeling better. I do have trouble at work as I constantly think about her. Slowly, I'm regaining my personality back instead of being sorry for myself every hour of the day. I have also decided to use social media as a tool. Since her and I are still friends on Facebook, I have uploaded pics of my progress so I am certain she has seen my photos of my ongoing progress. She found me attractive before when I was working out in the beginning, I think she will again. I have read the articles on this website countless times. I have started talking to other women on dating apps and that helps out quite a bit. I still have a while to go and to heal. I am hopeful her and I would get back together. Any input would be appreciated.
Hey Eddie,
I think you're doing good so far. You mentioned that you did all those prior to finding our website which is impressive and means you probably have good self-awareness and discipline. Personally I don't think a relationship should be all about physical attractiveness but everyone varies. If you really love her and are willing to go through the change (at least this is a healthy change you're going through that will benefit you regardless of whether you get back together with her or not), then I don't see why she wouldn't develop some form of interest towards you again, since the reason she first gave the breakup was owing to your physical appearance. Take your time on the healing process and only when you feel ready, initiate contact with her again.
Thank you, another reason she said she broke up with me is because she didn't miss me when I would leave. Just only superficially, in her own words. Although she did mention I did nothing wrong at all. I treated her right and stayed loyal. She didn't feel any romance towards me anymore. but she also said that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me and also cared deeply about me as well. I think another factor was because I smothered her with too much affection. I was moving too fast with her and I guess that drove her away. We are pretty new to the dating thing. She is my third girlfriend and I am her third boyfriend. She doesn't know if she wants kids or wants to get married. I am 25 and she is 26. I never begged her. Not even during the week we texted after the break up. I'm going to try to re-attract her and approach her in a different way, slowly. This is going to take a few months, I think. This is something I've never done before. I'm going for broke here, but I'm hoping for the best and planning for the worst.
All the best Eddie. I'm glad you're capable of thinking in this manner, most people aren't and that's why many individuals don't seem to be able to get their exes back even if they wanted to. Yes you're right as well, there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. You've got to re-ignite your spark with her and not in a way that could die out so easily.
Why would my ex be cold to me and show animosity when she’s the one that broke up with me? It’s been two months and I have completed no contact. I’ve contacted her on four different ocassions using the different texting tactics recommended. Therefore non of the texts were boring. Out of those four ocassions she’s responded only twice. The no contact I felt wasn’t as effective as it could’ve been bc we work together and have on three different ocassions been at the same place outside of work due to coworkers functions. We barely speak and when we do it’s usually just hi. Anytime I try to have a light conversation it’s usually met with resistance and animosity. Which I find odd since she dumped me. I haven’t begged her to take me back, I haven’t been rude to her, I haven’t done the sort of things that would make her annoyed with me, so why is it that I’m being met with hostility? Quick backstory, I’m 32 she’s 24 and I’m her first and only boyfriend and she’s filled with anxiety and She just recently acknowledged a traumatic experience from her past. What do you think?
I'm not sure on the context of the breakup but bear in mind that our methods aren't full proof since you're dealing with human emotions and feelings. It could have been the case where she's moved on or might have had a negative experience with you hence why she's been ignoring you or treating you nonchalantly. Alternatively, it might be because of her anxiety that she's pushing you away. Either way, if you can figure out why, maybe it would help you in deciding on what you should do next.
I sent my initial post on the 20th but didn’t see it posted. Basically, we broke up in September. I knew it was coming as we had been fighting a lot. We dated for almost a year. I am 32 and she is 23. I was her first boyfriend and only boyfriend. I was her first meaningful kiss, first person to make out with, etc etc. She said from the beginning that things would have to move slow, extremely slow. I was okay with that because she’s amazing. However, things became difficult quickly as in the beginning she would spend more time with her friends, showed little affection and just shut down most of my romantic advances. Things got better as she begin to trust me more, open up more, showed a bit more affection, etc, but it was still moving at an incredibly small pace and things were building up. Recently, she bought a friend of hers(female friend) a $500 camera after the friend said she was interested in photography. Now, mind you the friend is extremely depressed, but still. That bothered me because of the thought that she put into her friend wasn’t the same with me. At one point I even questioned if she was a lesbian and didn’t realize it. I could go into much more detail with why the friendship with others bothered me and the things of that nature, but I don’t want to make the post too long. Basically it concludes with me feeling as if I didn’t matter to her as much as her friends did. I realize know her circumstances are completely different then “normal” relationships. If being in her twenties and never having a meaningful relationship was tough enough for her, she was molested by a family member and she repressed it for a long time, so that made it very difficult for her to be affectionate with me. Which I understood, but at the same time that made it difficult for me as I am someone that likes to show affection. When we go out she often had the “resting bitch face” sorry for the term, but most accurate in describing the look. Which bothered me to no end and made me feel like crap and put me in a bad mood, which made her do the same. It bothered me so much because she didn’t have that face with her friends. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all the time, but it happened enough for me to get upset about it. So in the course of our year together, I had three friends pass away. The first two funerals I didn’t invite her to, I wasn’t ready for her to see me that vulnerable. (Yes, I know that wasn’t the best idea, I have growing to do too.) But it was the last one that really messed things up. About a month ago my ex committed suicide and left me in her note. I was devastated when I found out about it. I was on my way to a birthday party when I got the message. I told my girlfriend at the time that I couldn’t make it. Something bad happened and I needed to process it. Now, that friend I mentioned earlier, her mom is dying of cancer. So on the weekend the three of us would sometimes drive five hours away to visit. This time I wasn’t going with, but my girlfriend was. So I didn’t know how to process the emotions so I didn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t want her to have to choose from going with her friend as they were driving late at night or staying to help me. I also didn’t know how to tell my girlfriend that I was having a lot of emotions about my ex committing suicide. In the weeks that followed, I shut down. (Which was the final nail in the coffin) She tried to be super affectionate with me and accommodating, but I told her to stop. I said you’re hardly affectionate when things are good and that the only time you are extremely affectionate is when something bad happens. This really hurt her feelings and she said that what I said was true, but that’s how she is. She never had that when she was growing up, so it was important for her to give it to people she cared about and that’s how we’d grow as a couple. That night we were on the verge of splitting, but decided to keep going. Unfortunately, as I started to really get her and understand where she was coming from, she put her guard up, built a wall, and wouldn’t let me climb back over to the other side. So last night she said it just wasn’t working, which it wasn’t, but I started to make my change a little too late as she had had enough. I hope this made sense as I know it was a lot and I definitely wasn’t as thorough as I could’ve been. The thing is, I agree we weren’t happy, but I truly believe she’s the right person for me and with my better understanding of her, I feel that I could do better and that we could be better. I’ve completed no contact which wasn’t in my opinion fully effective bc we work together, but she’s showing signs of animosity. If I text her using the texting techniques half the time she’ll reply half the time she won’t. I don’t know what to do next. What are your thoughts?
hey! about 3 days ago one night, my ex and i got into a huge argument. i ended it but immeadietly regretted it and tried to fix it the next morning. we met up and he proceeds to tell me that he is deeply in love with me and always will be but wants to focus on himself right now. he told me that he wants to discover his hobbies, goals, etc. i lost it. i cried my eyes out and begged him not to do it. i was completely desperate and pathetic and he got so angry that he completely pushed me away. it made me feel good that he kept saying he promised he would marry me and that he would always be in love with me but it still tore me apart. we’ve been dating for 5 years (not including breakups) and he’s done this multiple times. why does he keep doing it? every single time he comes right back to admit that he was wrong and i am the only one for him and he needs me in his life because i make him happier. i don’t understand young men at all. we’re in college by the way, if that helps any :(
Hey there,
Sometimes as human beings, our emotions get pent up and without a proper channel of release to let go of the negative emotions, eventually it would overflow into the form of 'needing space'. That may answer your question as to why he keeps doing it but comes back. Perhaps you should find out if he feels overwhelmed by the relationship emotionally which is why he feels that he needs to walk away from it temporarily to get some breathing room for himself? At least that way, you guys may be able to work something out or he may feel that you are able to empathize with him.
Hi, Ive been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. We've been good and had our ups and downs like a regular relationship. Last week Wednesday, I broke up with him. He thinks that I need space but I really don't because I'm fine, but I feel as though he is the one who really needs space. I wanted to have a conversation with him about it, so i continued to text and call him so we can talk about what we need to do. After i did all that, he said that I'm starting to get on his nerves, I'm the one who needs space, he just wants to live his life, I'm bothering him and all this other crap. So thats when I broke up with him, and blocked him on everything and social media. The other night after this argument i tried to text him, but he already blocked me from everything. I texted him from my brother's phone apologizing to him (i don't know why) asking for us to talk about our relationship, and how I didn't really mean to break up with him I was just mad. We've actually "fake broken up with each other" and got back together because we realized its petty to break up over something stupid. But this time when I actually break up with him, he really cut me off. And its been a week since we haven't talked. I just really want him back and i know this is something we can fix, all we have to do is communicate and talk about what we need to work on. Im just praying he talks to me eventually, but at the same time I'm feeling like he really isn't. I don't know what to do.
Hey There,
I'm sorry to hear that but if you felt that he needed space and made the decision to break up, perhaps you might need to accept the fact he's going to take that space and place barriers on the two of you since it was convenient. If he does love you, give him the space he needs and he will come back. Otherwise, it may be better to consider moving on as this may have been what he actually wanted but lacked the courage to do/say anything.
Hello, Kevin! It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and she haven't spoken to me yet ever since. The reason of our break up is that I was about to go to their house for an overnight and I've spoken about it with my mom. At first she agreed because she called my girlfriend's mom and then the next morning, my girlfriend's mom texted me that I can no longer come because it was raining hard. after a while i tried to convince my mom to go like for 30 mins only to find out later that day that my mom badmouthed my girlfriend's mom. I was shocked by what happened and I kept on saying sorry to my girlfriend and her mom at the same time and on the same evening, my girlfriend broke up with me because of what my mother did. What should I do? We haven't spoken in 3 weeks and I've tried NC for a week then I messaged her last November 19 and continued the NC. Please help me. I really want her back but i don't know how and when to start :(
Hey Patricia,
Since the main issue right now is that your ex and her mom are upset with your mom which in turn is directed at you, perhaps it would be best to continue with NC to give them some space to cool off and let it go before approaching her again to apologize and maybe start off as friends to earn your ex's mom's respect once more.
hello again! so today, i went to their house after a month, bought a pizza and told her mom and my girlfriend sorry. her mom gladly accepted it and we chat around for an hour but my girlfriend still doesn't want to talk to me. she keeps on saying she doesn't want anything based on hate and then i told her that im sorry about everything again and then i'll be there for her and once i got home, i messaged my girlfriend and told her i'll just wait even if there's nothing to wait and then i texted her mom, thanking her for giving me a chance.
do i still stand a chance with my girlfriend? what shall i do? her mother told me that in time, things will be okay.... :( please help me i still want her back...
She also cried when she saw me and while she was talking. I really wanted to comfort her but she keeps resisting. Is there any chance? We only broke up because of a bad situation but we never really had any issues before that. I want her back, really!! :(
Hey there, all you can do at this point is to be patient and have a little faith. I think your ex will come around eventually but you just have to give her time to let go of her negative emotions. It may be longer than expected but as I've said, be patient. Her mom has forgiven you already and I think it will be okay eventually.
Well, yeah you're right. 5 days ago she approached me. She said we're friends. I never agreed but I just laughed but these past few days I'm trying to make her feel comfortable but what happened is the other way around. We're talking but it's like i don't know. Still mad at me? What should I do? She never told me she forgave me but she is talking to me and then she's not. I think it's a hot and cold situation. I don't know. Please help :(
Helpppp :------(
Hey there,
if she's still acting hot and cold towards you, that means she has not entirely let go of the past incident. You may want to consider continuing to give her more space and time to let go of any negative emotions she has towards you before trying again.
Hi There! Im just looking for some helpful tips on my relationship. Story short im 24 I have 2 sons 1 and 3 with their father who is 31. We were together for 4 years just about happily until the past year. we moved from ohio to california lived there for 2 yrs(hes from there) things got rocky there was never any cheating but overtime accusations led to insecurities on both ends, lack of trust,and downhill from there. I recently moved back home with our sons and im having trouble processing everything with a clear mind without the emotions. its only harder to me because we now have children involved. I reached out to him in the very beginning ofus leaving and made a few fatal mistakes between calling/texting i miss yous etc,and even a social media breakdown although i deleted it shortly after, he has another gf out of nowhere (rebound lol) although i know, its hard to see after spending everyday with a person for 4 years. so I went into no contact mode for a few weeks, got the bad mom i cant see my kids speech, then an "I needed someone closer text" go on social media and hes crying out for attention basically posting vids of him and this new lady. NOW, I stopped all negative communication in the past 3 weeks everytime he'd call to speak to the kids and argue etc I'd hang up, he'd video call them i'd always make sure he didnt see my hurt and that I looked beautiful on the outside (a reminder lol) We have been able to communicate respectfully for about a week (after he realized calling me angry/disrespectfully out of hurt wasnt getting him anywhere but a hangup and time frame of space) he's started pulling it together. well see how long that last lol. although ive gone on a few dates, maintained my appearance, and backed off a bit, i still cant help the thoughts of wanting our family together. im slowly realizing Im not interested in anyone else, how can I accomplish this, without pushing him away? He wants us to move back, yet he has this rebound girl it doesnt help my thought process. I havnt told him I want him back yet i miss him or any of that out of fear, ive been trying to be more of a friend 1st. I dk what to do with this situation anymore I just wake up everyday and be the best mother I can be, whatever the day throws at me I catch and keep going. BUT soon im going to need to figure this out.
Hang in there Leah.
I think that even if you've figured out what you want to do, if the choice is to be together with him, it may be too soon to take any action since his temper is only slowly starting to improve as well as the fact that he is still together with the other lady. Also since you're only starting to regain your composure (emotionally), I suggest taking more time to focus on yourself and your kids.
Hello! Really need your help. We were in a distance relationship, everything was fine in the beginning (like always) He wanted marry me, while I was study language courses in the same city with him, dating every day, calls and texts. He even introduced me to his mom. We were planning make a wedding in the end of 2017, but when i came back to my city to finish all my stuff and to prepare for life with him he started text me less and I asked him whats going on, then he said he cant marry me because he is not a rich man and cant give me a good life, I was very upset and said your cant keep your promises??? And he said give me time for thinking and will tell his decision in the end of 2017 year (now November 2017) , I said I dont need his money or anything else, just him and he said believe me if one day i will rich i will marry you but dont wait for me, live your life. He started text less less less, now he stopped at all , me too, I stopped text to him and remind about my self and stopped post anything in my accounts, just to let him worry where I am. And after all our arguing about he cant marry or etc. he was silent but taking screenshots of my pics in snapchat. And before our silence I was asking him do you want to break up with me- If yes, tell me and i will never bother you again. He replied "I dont have an answer". Now exactly one month when we talked in message last time, he was asking hey what you are doing how are you, I said Im good thank you. Then silence 34 days till now. I wonder how he can be so calm and patient and dont texting am I ok or not. I dont know what to think or what to do ...Should I continue keep silence and not posting anything like Im dead, or start post in snapchat my beautiful pics and make him sad what he lost, really I dont know, Im so sad
Hey Ashlie,
Perhaps he might have lost feelings for you which is why he tried to make the relationship fade away. I think you should start posting to show that you're doing okay and since it's been awhile. If he has feelings for you, he will check in on you, if not it's better to move on.
Thanks a lot for reply. If he will check on me you mean just watch my pics or screenshots or comments ? And if he lost feelings is it possible that he will see me and will start to feel something again?
Hey Ashlie, as cliche as this sounds, anything is possible when it comes to emotions and relationships. Even if a person has lost feelings, as long as those feelings didn't turn into hatred or anger, there's always still a chance he/she may fall for their ex again. I guess right now, even if he only stalks your social media profile without talking to you, you shouldn't be bothered by it and simply focus on making yourself happy.
He texted me yesterday, I think because I checked his story in snapcahat (I wasnt checking one month) . But I didnt open his message yet and have no idea what exactly he texted. Dont know now what to do, Im so depressed.
Then you should open the message if the uncertainty of his intentions bother you. If you're feeling depressed, I would suggest perhaps spending more time with your friends or going out and continue doing things in general. At least this may take your mind off the overthinking a little.
Thank you . He didn't call me few months already but now he texted , is it a good way to wait a little bit and reply on his message later ? I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Is it a good idea act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth? Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... Now I have a plan : 1. Reply on his message later but with positive 2. Never text him first
3. Post my nice pics . Will it help me to get him back ? I want that he realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life .
Thank you . He didn't call me few months already but now he texted , is it a good way to wait a little bit and reply on his message later ? I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Is it a good idea act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth? Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... Now I have a plan : 1. Reply on his message later but with positive 2. Never text him first 3. Post my nice pics . Will it help me to get him back ? I want that he realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life .
He didn't call me few months already but now he texted and said that he still have money issues and can't marry me . I argued a bit but then turned in a good mood and said I'm sure you'll rich all your goals in life ... He replied thank you . That's all , now he keep silent again but I think he won't text me . I want to treat him like I'm in a good mood and I'm not angry, want make him confuse, because usually I was arguing like "why you are silent " or "why you are not calling me " or "do you still love me" and etc . (I was so silly , but after read your articles I hope I became smarter). Now I want acting with him like I'm happy person and life goes on (without playing of course , in natural way) . Act like nothing happened and reply on his message in positive way and do not remind about hurting me or smth. Unfortunately we live in different countries with him , it's a problem ... But I want him realized and remembered our good times together and how much he wanted me in his life . Now I have an idea , want to tell him that I'm agree with him that better not to marry and accepting it and if it's his desicion I respect it and etc., Is it a good idea? How it will affect him ?
Hi Ashlie,
This may affect people differently. It's sort of a pattern break from what he's used to you saying and make catch him off guard. It may work in helping your case, as it may make him think if what he did was the right thing. This is of course provided he has emotional depth and is capable of thinking in those lines. I agree with you as well that you should come across as being happy and carefree instead of acting weak. I suggest actually going about with your own life and working on your happiness as well in this process since you have the right mindset.
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
Hi,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and suddenly 3 weeks back he is saying he don't have feeling for me.
We were dancing partners and we known each other for 7 years. He promised me he will marry me and told each and every person this is my GF. But all of a sudden he changed.
I texted him, cried , called.. he dnt care anymore. He is saying try out another guy. Im not da perfect one for you. I cnt fulfill your dreams. i said i dnt need anything only him.
All i want to know is whether he will come back or not. i really love him
Perhaps you should try to understand if there is an underlying reason over why he broke up with you. It sounds like he feels inadequate, or he may not be being entirely honest about his own feelings towards you. Either way, if you really want him back, first you need to understand what the reason for breaking up was, before you can decide on what you should do next. If he really does not love you already, then it's best for now to move on and just focus on recovering from this break up. Who knows what may happen again in the future but the whole point of recovery is that you shouldn't be expecting it.
Hi! Thank you for reply. Few days ago we had short conversation,he said again that he cant effort marriage and etc. I asked him directly without any rudeness,did you found someone else? He said no, I dont have GF and i dont want. Then I asked him I am not yours anymore? And he said " I dont know its complicated and dont want discuss this topic again" He always do it, keep silence and when Im asking broke up or what?? He always cant tell exactly, sometimes I even think better if he will tell me YES we broke up, I will suffer but anyway I will let go to everything and will try to focus on my life, but I will never break up with him first, and its not about I can or cant, its because I will regret then all my life, dont want remorse later. I dont understand his logic, I know he has money issues now and job not good, but also his silence and ignoring annoying me! And when Im asking does he want to break up and I will not bother him , he just replying dont know ...
Hi Kevin, I've been 2 years together with my bestfriend. I've done the NC- period, now we hear eachother sometimes, but only for practical things. When we met 2 weeks ago to talk and give back our things, he cried because he misses me, but he doesn't want me back. He said he's an idiot to let a girl like me go, but he can't be in a relationship because his feelings are not strong enough anymore. To his best friend he said he is over me and doesn't want me back, never. He wants space but he is the one texting me, and he said I can still use his account for spotify. His friends don't understand him, they think he is making a big mistake. He still wants to be bestfriends. I see him back in 2 weeks with our mutual friends, and we are going to party together for NYE. What do I have to do? Is there still a chance I can make him fall back in love with me? And how can I make him fall back in love with me?
I guess you could if you're able to provide the spark he needs re-ignite his feelings for you. Sometimes if the relationship goes on for too long, it becomes stagnant and people may end up losing passion for each other. He may still love you but just that it he may possibly in a state where he's lost attraction for you (aka the spark) to keep the relationship going. I can't say for certain if you're definitely going to get back together with him (as it would depend on the context of what happened) but I can say, if you're willing to try, there's definitely a chance.
Thank you for your respons! He ended our relationship because I was too negative (I have had a stressfull period) but now I worked on myself. How can I make this spark come back?
Heyy. So I’m looking for some advice. Some guidance, some wisdom! Ok, so it’s been about 9 days 12 hours and 40 minutes since I have seen my fiancé. We have been dating for 3 years and we live together. 9 days ago I brought him to work and I haven’t seen him since! He contacted me days later saying he needed time and space. This absolutely broke me because In my head I thought things were going good! I thought we were getting better at communicating and I felt like we were going to be okay. I’m not going to lie to you we have done each other a significant amount of dirt- I’ve hurt him and he has hurt me. Our relationship started to go downhill when we reached a good 9 months living together. Maybe we rushed things, maybe we are too immature (we are 20 years old by the way) or i don’t know. We had a pretty good relationship I think. I was living in an abusive home and he pushed me to get out of there and it cost me my family but I’m no longer being abused. I cried myself to sleep every night for those six months and he became my everything. With everything that I have been thru I have some issues and that can happen to anyone. He has been thru a lot too and it also left an imprint in him. There is just so much more to the story but long story short- he has been contacting me on and off for the past week and hasn’t given me a specific answer as to wether or not we are broken up. His stuff is still at our house and I still have his PS4! It’s the fact that he left his PS4 behind that is really convincing me that he thinks we are not over. But are we? He says he’s hurting- but I’m the one who is now alone stuck in an apartment miles away from any family and stuck with all the bills. Should start this process ? Even tho we haven’t officially broken up ?? I’ve already done a few fatal mistakes- texting him and calling him crying. Even In a fit of rage I packed some of his belongings and drunkinly thru his stuff in front of his brothers house. So I need some help here on what to do.
Hi Ash,
What was he hurt about that required time and space? It seemed like you guys were doing fine unless his issue was a pent up one? Right now, what I can advice you is to be strong and yes, avoid doing things that may scare him (aka your last few sentences). Also, it's better if you get an answer out of him because he left you in limbo so you know how to proceed but don't pressure him too much into it, especially if you want the relationship to work as that will push him further away. If you feel that it's not an appropriate time to talk to him, then you could always start with the no contact rule first.
Hey, I've been with this boy for past 1,5 years. We had a long distance relationship and four weeks ago he broke up with me but said that he still has feelings for me. It was a very serious relationship and we wanted to move in together but it failed. We wrote each other the last weeks and now I decided no contact.
Now I have no idea how I can ask for a appointment (step 4) because he is so far away that it's impossible to meet only for a coffee. I have to travel about six hours by train...
So how I can do this step? Asking for a coffee and traveling 12 hours at one day only for a short talk?
Thank you for reading this
Hey Steffie,
If distance is the problem, perhaps it would be better to re-initiate contact through text first and get back on good terms before arranging for a meet up - which may no longer be a short coffee at that point.
I recently reached back out to my ex bf after giving him an ultimatum. I basically told him to commit or get lost. I guess I was just so frustrated after being with him for so long and the fact he didn't want to make a formal commitment, but we were having problems so I could see his stance. This was about two months ago. I've been missing him like crazy and feeling regret for my decision, so I decided to reach out to him. I emailed him and text him two weeks ago and there was no response. So, it being two weeks later I called. He answered the phone but said he didn't really believe I was sorry. He also text'd and said I hurt him immensely and he can't do this again. I honestly had no idea I hurt him as I was so caught up in my own feelings and thoughts. I want to do right by him and I want him back. I've told him this with no response yet, but that was only this morning. When can I reach out again? I don't want to pressure him and scare him away. I'm thinking Thanksgiving? Just to say Happy Thanksgiving. He doesn't have any family here, so I was going to see if he wanted some food, at least as a gesture since my family cooks. Not sure when to message him or reach out again, but I really don't want to hurt him anymore. Is texting for the holiday's okay?
Hi there,
I think texting him during Thanksgiving would be alright. Keep it casual though and if he says no or does not reply, then just apply the no contact rule for awhile in order to give yourself and him some breathing space to recover from whatever happened before reaching out any further.
Hi Kevin, My girlfriend just broke up with me about 5 days ago she said she doesn't feel the same anymore but her family tells me it is her confusion now that so many changes are happening since she will graduate college and leave home for the first time to do her 6 months internship, she also mentioned to her sister that she felt she was too young for commitment and scared that she didn't find flaws in us so she might be sealing her fate at an early age, which is something she said she wanted at the beginning of our relationship. It was long distance, I had a plan to travel there in 2 days which she knows about and I've already been there 4 times this year.
I don't want to miss the chance of being with her specially since this time I got so many days off from work usually I travel for 10 days at a time this time 20 days and it could've been a great time together. Should I try anything while I'm there or should I just enjoy my trip with other women and working on myself to let her have that time to reflect and miss me? after 30 days I would be back home and to be in the same country might take 3 more months.
Thank you.
Hey Luis,
I think you should drop her a text when you arrive to see if she would like to meet you (casually of course). If she does not want to, then perhaps it's better to give her space to figure out what she wants and to enjoy your time there. I know it may seem like a shame to not meet her but you shouldn't pressure her too much or she might just figure she does not want to be with you anymore and it would be permanent this time. For long distance relationships, usually a longer period of time would have to be spent on getting your ex back due to the frequency you actually see her.
Hi Team,
Quite happy I found your website! So here goes my story: I have been in a long distance relationship since february 2017 and things were great, no real issues except the fact that he was always busy with work. Which i completely believe but still was an issue for me. He was travelling a lot, working a lot, but whenever he was present he was fully present. So I always ended up thinking that I had to be understanding since it was his career and that he was making the effort when he had the time and was just so good to me .
during the summer I got more impatient, he was coming to visit in july but for the first time since we had been together he did not contact me for about 2 weeks.... he vanished. I kept calm but decided I could deal with that anymore. And also kept silent and distanced myself. Come july, he tags me on an instagram post of his to advise me that he arrived to my city. But he obviously did not notice that I was no longer following him. Hence the fact that I never replied to his post. Couple days later he sends a message saying he is in town...So i tell him that he hadn't talked to me for a month so obviously I wasn't ready to see him and that I didn't even know since I was no longer following him on instagram. He got mad... so I told him that my reaction was normal since he disappeared and he actually had other means of contacting me by whasapp or text or just call me.
So I brushed him off...felt good about it....and met someone else was with him for about 2 months....but was still thinking of my ex.... broke off with the guy I was with for 2 months.....contacted my ex very casually. He answered saying he was happy that we are back in good terms... and 2 days later even told me that "he always knew we would live a great love story". We addressed the issue and went from there as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately he is always busy ... and he always apologises for it... and our last conversation was him wondering if I was still into him, that he hoped I wasn't too mad at him for not being there that he was coming in december etc.... but when I answered his message he didn't listen to it until 2 days later.... and never answered since then. I tried to contact him to know what was going on.... but to no avail.
So I decided to apply the no contact rule.... its been a month... he who is always busy was in contrast very active on social media! more than anytime I have known him! So I kept calm and still diligently continued the no contact rule. It's been 30 days now... and I have greatly improved myself... physically, emotionally and also have come to understand that he means a lot to me and that I have just been very impatient and can not afford to lose him. But I have a hard time understanding how he has not tried to reach out to me....and worry that I would look weak or needy if I contact him now. I would greatly appreciate your input. Thanks a lot!
If you require closure, perhaps it would be okay to drop him a casual text to check in on him as he may have forgotten to reply (due to his busy schedule) but you should be prepared to end up going through the same cycle all over again if he replies you and you guys continue talking. If its something you feel you are able to handle (the occasional disappearances), then go for it. However if not, you might be better off walking away from all this.
Hi Ryan! thanks for replying! So I have dropped him a message... a positive one reminding him of a good period we had....he replied positively.... was scared i was mad when it took me long to answer him and asked me if I was mad... that he intended to answer me but whenever he sees my message he is either driving or at a meeting , people are around him all the time... so he said he never does it on purpose. Asked to not get mad at him. And that he will definitely make up for it because he doesn't want to loose me, and said he missed me. He even said that he saw (on instagram) that I was quite busy, and imagined that I had already forgotten about him!
So now I am taking it easy...keeping a little distant and letting him do the work...since he said he will make up for it. What do you think? How should I proceed from now on? thanks again for your input!
Hey Fabiola,
Since he has said that, perhaps you're on the right track and yes, maybe keep it casual for now so that you aren't too affected by what he does (or does not) do. Take it a step at a time and see if things progress from there. If he is sincere, he will come back to you and make it up to you like he said.
Hi Ryan....so little update....as it might be useful for others...or maybe so I can voice a slight concern that I have : So after him telling me that he'll make it up I literally told him "We'll see how this goes..." And since 4 days later no contact from him and he's active on social media and uses his WhatsApp.....So basically no change... and I thought to myself that this is not normal. And it also proves that he talks but no actions in reality. I had only told him jockingly that he should watch out because I can get tired fast and retract ... but looks like he doesn't care.
So to protect myself from getting hurt or even just out of respect for myself I decided to remove him from my instagram and WhatsApp. And just clear my mind of all this and regain my peace of mind. Because I have tried, and I have given him a prior notice that he needs to make an effort, but he hasn't shown any will to get on with our relationship.
Thanks again for all your help... and hope you think that I did well ;)
Hey Fabiola,
I think you did really well! I'm sorry to hear that he didn't pull through on his words in the end. Stay strong and continue to focus on yourself and being happy.
Thanks Ryan! I will do just that! somedays its harder than others....but the show must go on ;)
Have faith in yourself Fabiola. We always tend to underestimate our own abilities until we've crossed hurdles at heights we never knew possible.
Hello Kevin,
I met this guy 11 months back through a group. He fell in love with me instantly whereas it took me some time to understand that I love him too. We had big fights after 6 months or so but we continued to be in a relationship. He told his parents about me and we were thinking of getting married. We fought after that and since then he is behaving differently. Over a month now things are not normal between us. He met me in this time, he cried, he said I care for him like a mother. He said he loves me. Few days back he left for a 60 days holiday. When we meet in person everything is fine. He also met me before leaving. He would share everything about his day and diving experiences. He asked me to leave him several times in this one month. Then recently he started shouting saying that he wants to be alone, he was a loner, I wasted my emotions on a wrong person also that he needs peace and my presence is not letting him achieve that. I continued to be in touch thinking if i will not remain in touch, he'll forget me. I asked him to block me if i was bothering him so much. He did't do it. Past few days I did not get in touch with him by any means. My friends says that he is enjoying his life while you sulk here. Would he come back after the no contact period of 30 days considering he is on a vacation for another 30 days more. What should I do?
Hey there,
Why not apply no contact for this remaining 30 days and when he gets back, you can decide if you still want to try giving it another shot?
Heyy Ryan,
I have been with this girl for past two years.Two weeks ago we had a breakup.I called her and she was like dont call me ever again,its your problem that you cant get over me.I watched ur video and decided to go on no contact.After a week we saw each other at a party of a common friend and that night we ended up being together and intimate.A hope raised in my mind that she still loves me.I started calling her,texting her but then she refused to talk again.I even said i would change and can do anyhthing to get her back.She refused my idea of being together.She says she doesnt wants to be in any relationship because being in relationship has taken away her freedom.During my relationship I acted jealous and controlled her by always telling her to do this,not do that.Now that she is away i have realised her importance and I really love her.Please suggest me what should I do next to get her back.I also fixed up few meetings but she refused the idea saying that it defeats the purpose of breakup.Do u think she will meet me after when no contact is over.
I need some serious help! I have been in a very serious relationship for the past 8 months and i truly thought that she was the one for me. She broke up with me for reasons that I have accepted but still says that maybe down the road things could work out for us. It sounds hopeful but it is a really hard answer to get right after the breakup. It makes me wonder why she even broke up with me in the first place and decided not to try and work things out. I would like to start the no contact period but there are still some things that i really need to know that will determine if I really want to get back together with her. The weekend before the breakup was a disaster and not knowing what really happened is leaving me not knowing what to do. I have zero tolerance for cheating but not knowing if she cheated is killing me inside. I have always trusted her to never cheat on me because she has been cheated on in the past by ex boyfriends but things just don't add up that weekend. I feel like in order for me to accept the break up and figure out if i do want to get back together with her then i need to know what happened that weekend. I feel like i have to know and if i were to just go ahead and start the NC period then i will still want to know what happened at the end. That would be bad though cause it will bring up bad memories and show that i have trust issues with her. Should i just go ahead and try to figure out what happened or start the NC period?
Hey Jason,
Personally I would tell you to just start NC and let it go but I also understand that it isn't easy to just do that. If you feel that it would really eat you up inside not knowing, then my suggestion is to find out and no matter the outcome, start NC after that.
Me and my ex, Myla, dated for over a year. I had told her that we should try to fix things but that only led to us splitting up. I once questioned whether I really loved her or not, but since I've thought about her everyday since we broke up, I think it's safe to say I love her. We go to the same school but we don't have any classes because they were switched.
Every time I see her in the hallway i quickly look a way because it hurts because I'm not with her. Sometimes we make eye contact but it is only for, i swear, about a millisecond. She turns around and I look at my phone. When I look at my phone I don't look at anything because I can't get her out of my head. I've been trying to get her out of my head, but everything in my life brings me back to thinking about her.
Hey there,
Perhaps you could refer to this article on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her every day.
Heyy Ryan,
I have been with this girl for past two years.Two weeks ago we had a breakup.I called her and she was like dont call me ever again,its your problem that you cant get over me.I watched ur video and decided to go on contact.After a week we saw each other at a party of a common friend and that night we ended up being together and intimate.A hope raised in my mind that she still loves me.I started calling her,texting her but then she refused to talk again.I even said i would change and can do anyhthing to get her back.She refused my idea of being together.She says she doesnt wants to be in any relationship because being in relationship has taken away her freedom.During my relationship I acted jealous and controlled her by always telling her to do this,not do that.Now that she is away i have realised her importance and I really love her.Please suggest me what should I do next to get her back.I also tried fixing some meeting but she refused every time saying that u all get obsessed over me again so it's better we don't meet.Do u think she will meet me after I try contacting her after no contact period?
Hey there,
This time around, it isn't so much up to you on how long no contact should be and whether you should approach her again but rather, how long before she is ready for another relationship. If you feel that you were controlling and jealous back then, even if you get back together with her tomorrow, the outcome will be the same because she will still feel that she has no freedom. I suggest first working on those emotions for yourself and when you feel like you have a better control over them, then talk to her again. If she isn't ready still, suggest just being friends and slowly build her trust.
The thing is she has become cold she didn't reply to my text,answered to my phone calls which i eventually stopped doing after that.she even said we cant be friends too because no two people after being in relationship can be friends.lately i have realized her importance in my life and i regret over my mistake.please suggest me ways even to remain friend with her.
Hey Ryan.. 2 months ago i seperated from my wife because i found some texts on her phone from some other guy. She swears it was nothing serious. But for last 12 months she has beeng going out and drinking with her friends,coming home late in the night, so that was also one of the reasons i moved out. Last two months have been really turbulent. She texts me every day, still, but stupid things like, what are you doing? Or, How was the concert? Just like friendly texts. Also like month ago i asked her that we should reconcile (didn't beg), but she told me that she is to confused with her feelings, wants to be alone now, to find herself, she is taking some therapy to chose if she wants to get back to marriage or start a new life. As later i found out she was unsatisfied in our marriage for last 12 months. I tried NC but she would text me every day, and i would always reply. I told her that she has time to decide till 20th november and than we will decide to reconcile or divorce. Anyway that is only a week from today and she still sends stupid text messages that don't mean anything. And i am sure she won't want to reconcile. We were together 7 years, i love her, but for last month she has been keeping me next to her without making any decision. P.S. She is 30,i am 32. Any advice?
Hey John,
Right now, she may be feeling a loss of routine since you guys have been married awhile. That's why she still texts you every day because she isn't used to not being apart from you. However, it's also important to note that not used to being apart from you and wanting to be together with you are 2 different things. You should figure out if she still wants to be with you or not. I suggest waiting till the 20th of November before making a decision on what you should do, depending on the outcome.
Hi
I applied NC for two days. My ex- bf always look at my facebook.He send me message asking such "what are you doing?" But I did not reply. Should I block him from seeing my page and block him from sending me message? Or I should leave him seeing my life in facebook.
Thank you
Hey there,
I don't think you should block him off and just leave it be (especially if your intention is to get back together with him eventually). However, I don't think you should reply him this early into NC. Complete it first before contacting him again.
Hi, my gf of 10 months broke up with me, it was on good terms and we spent the next day together (its was long distance and my coach wasn't leaving till the next day), and although a bit awkward at times, we parted on good terms. I have began no contact, and today would have been day 4, but today my ex contacted about one of her belongings i possessed still, and i felt rude not to reply. Do i have to begin no contact again, or is this an exception? it involved a 3 message convo, focused only on the belongings, and nothing else.
many thanks!
Hey Bob,
You don't have to re-start NC all over as long as your conversation was more of an obligated exchange of texts regarding important matters and as long as texting her did not affect you emotionally.
Ryan.... this might be my last message I just wanted to double check with you if this is a good idea.
I have followed no contact for about 18 days
We have recently met up for financial reasons and but it off.
Now we text quite a bit keeping it light and friendly.
We’ve decided to meet up again on Tuesday and we are gonna spend most of the day chilling at hers. We are going to have dinner and watch movies.
We were discussing what to have and this text discussion happened:
Her: I’m just worried your going to think that we're going to get back together that's all. Xx
Me:Why would you think that? X
Her:I dunno cuz we're getting on and stuff I suppose x
Me:In all honesty. I’ve accepted the break up. Don’t really want the relationship back as it was. If there was or is any chance of it working it won’t be for a while.
But we get on well we always have. And if things develop from that I’ll be honest and tell you. X
Does everything there seem ok?
What should I do next?
Thanks Ryan ! Your support through this has helped heaps!
Hey Jack,
That sounds fine. Hope everything works out well.
Thanks Ryan. I appreciate all the help.
Hi Kevin,
I'm in a difficult situation I guess. My ex cut the relationship a month ago (it lasted almost 3 months before). A week after breakup I sent her an email with the request that I wanted to talk with her about the untold things in our relationship. She then replied she had a little bit of time the week after, because she had a lot of fun things to do, I agreed. Then I read this website, so I realized it was a bad move from me to want contact with her, especially for this reason. What I then did was sending her an email saying I wanted to cancel the meeting. She then replied with asking whether something came up and I was willing to meet on another date, or whether I did not want to meet again. That was a tough one, but I replied something came up, without suggesting another date. 3 days later (i.e.last sunday). She suggested another date. I didn't know what to do then, so I agreed on a new date (this new date is tomorrow). Now I'm not sure, whether this is a good idea to meet her. She arranged this meeting now that's true, but I'm not sure whether she really wants it out of herself, or whether she wants to hear what I've to say as I suggested in the first email. Any thoughts on what to do? Should I ask her motivation why she wants to meet? Should I tell her via email first I'm not feeling the same way anymore as I suggested in my first email to her (almost begging for a meeting to talk about untold things). I'm afraid you will answer when the meeting is over (tomorrow 12h noon Paris time), I don't have a clue what to do now.
Thanks!
Hi Jan,
Ultimately if you want to get back together with her, you might need to apply the no contact rule in order to regain your composure and improve yourself so that eventually when you attempt to chase her back, she will see you in a different light. However, before you go into this, if meeting her would help with your closure before you start NC, then it would be okay to meet her since she was the one who initiated it. If you feel it may not help, then perhaps cancel with her and just honestly tell her that you feel it may not be appropriate right now and you need some time.
Hi Kevin, me and my gf had been a 6 years relationship and broke up recently, she had cheated me once few years ago but she showed to me she was truly regret what she has done so I decided to continuing the relationship at that time. Recently, she had broken up with me and said she love me but being together is so exhausting. She wants to look for another opportunities in the world to find love and happiness. She said if I understand her, I should let her go. Afterward, I had made deadly mistakes #2 & #4 very badly, I begged her to come out to talk about it face to face but she wont. I ask her if we can still be friends she said yes but when I text her she is ignoring me.... At the momenet, I know she is love to spending time with a guy at this moment I dont know if it is her true love or just rebound relationships. For now, I accpected the break up, I can control myself to stop texting her, but I just don't know what to do next, it sounds like she just want to be single but I thought she is just lying to me. I can't totally trust what she said but I don't want to interpret her message. Should I just move on? Thanks
Hi Dave,
As much as you may not want to hear this, I feel it's only fair to say that right now even you can't trust what she says, it doesn't matter because you guys have broken up. Moving on isn't something I can tell you to do explicitly but rather it's really up to you on how you feel about her. If you really want her back, give her some space and time and let her do what she wants to while you focus on yourself as well. Maybe some time in the future when everything blows over, then you could contact her once again?
Hi Ryan so I been doing all type of research on this subject so I want you to understand my situation a little more....me and my ex were together for 4 almost 5 years...she caught me talking to random females on a dating website...but she has caught me talking to random females a lot of times...so now I feel like she was at her breaking point...she kicked me out and will not talk to me...I was begging and pleading her to talk to me...which she would reply once every 50 messages basically telling me everything I didn’t wanna hear...so the break up was Friday...I didn’t text her Monday at all...she texted me once Monday basically repeating everything she been saying because I wrote her a message Sunday...so this no contact rule is scaring me but I feel like I have no other option...any tips for me?? Thank you in advance
Hey Andre,
If you've read our articles, you'll realize that your instincts right now are your worst enemy and should never be trusted. They would cause you to do reckless things and come across as a needy and desperate person which would push your ex further away. Don't spam her phone with texts as it would only make her decision to walk away more permanent. Give her some space right now to cool off (this is why we suggest the NC rule) and focus on yourself (calm yourself down and start trying to think more logically). After this period has passed and you feel more collected and she may have calmed down, then initiate re-contact with her and start things off from there.
Hi kevin.
My ex broke up with me four months back after one year of long distance relationship. Since that time, i committed all the mistakes you mentioned. But now she has blocked me on every social networking site. I tried being friends with her, but the past things kept repeating and i kept accusing her even when she silently listened. Now i am panicked. What shall i do?
Hey there,
Try not to panic and let your emotions get the better of you in the future. For now, if she has blocked you everywhere, the only thing you could do is wait it out and apply the no contact rule until she decides to unblock you. You have to be patient and you can't do anything reckless that might make you come across and needy or desperate if you ever want her back.
Ryan,
Me again. I ended up having to meet my ex because of financial reasons. Ended up spending 7 hours with her having a laugh and getting on really well.
At the end we both said we had a good time and would want to do it again. My question is how I should act now ? Do I go back to no contact ? Or do I just give it a few days and spark up conversation again?
All advice appreciated!
Hey Jack,
That's a good first step! Well, if you both enjoyed your time and would want to meet again, I think there's no point in going back to NC right? You could spark up conversation again but remember to play it cool.
Ryan,
I have been doing all the above whilst trying not to seem to pushy with the texts. ( texting to often) but over the phone she doesn’t seem to interested but have arranged to meet on tuesday.
I feel lost and confused about the situation
There could be a variety of reasons. Don't overthink and jump to conclusions for now until you meet her.
Good evening!
Don’t know if I’m searching for an advise or just frustrated after break up but I do really like your page. It gives answers to some questions that I couldn’t understand.
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 8 months that were more distant relationship. First 6 months (3 months out of it we were together) were really good, of course may be were small misunderstandings but nothing like argues or fights, never. We were apart before but all started when my boyfriend moved from his city to another country for studies. First couple weeks were fine but when I started to mention that he is changing, new place, new friends and parties, all his friends are much younger than him because he is doing his postgraduate and guys are mainly from undergraduate.
I started to feel anxiety and tried to talk to him, may be had an intuition that something is wrong, we discussed and sorted all out but suddenly in two days he is calling and saying that he wants a break, he doesn’t know what will be with us on a distance etc. I asked if he met someone, he said of course lots of new people around and girls, but it has nothing with that. It’s more about that he wants some time for himself to think about our relationship, not a brake up, just space. I told him that on a distance it will be hard to sort it out like that. We should somehow spend sometime together to understand what is going on but it’s up to him of course, what I can do. Next day he called by himself and said that once to give us that chance if I’m still fine with him after yesterday. I agreed. In two weeks I went to visit him for 9 days, first days were great but after we went for a short trip to another country for some business meetings. Last two days he was so tensed, I couldn’t understand but tried not to pay much attention and let him to be in his cave because it was quite exhausting trip for both of us, too much on a road. Last evening we were in restaurant, i asked him if everything is fine, he said yes, but just in thoughts. We confirmed that I’ll go with him to the airport next morning.
Next morning I woke up anxious because didn’t sleep well and had nightmares, I told him about it. He was also not in a best mood. We went to the airport, he was like that all the way. I thought it’s all we both were not really happy of leaving. He came back, first 3 days were fine, we were texting and calling to each other as usual. And suddenly he is calling and telling me that he decided to stay alone. I asked why he didn’t tell it when we were together but most probably just didn’t find courage. I said i respect decision but can’t agree on that.
I made huge mistake of trying to stop him saying that it’s unfair and I can’t brake up like that, we didn’t even tried to work out, we spent too short time together. As well i said it’s just before my birthday that we planned to spend together, actually his idea was just several days before all that for me to come to him to celebrate it together. It was stupid to use that argument that sounded like blackmailing. He was already angry that I tried to stop him. He said: now u will spend it with ur friends instead and I don’t want to be with you. Wished all the best and hanged out. I feel very bad and blame myself for trying to stop him. Now I’m very low in his eyes. Don’t know what to do but most probably here is hard to do anything, he wants to live that new life of his. May be new girls are involved, I don’t know. When I was there I didn’t mention anything. I met his friends, all seemed fine. Very hard to cope with it when I didn’t even had a chance.
Hey Mary,
Don't see yourself so lowly. Anyone could have done that in the moment of frustration and upset. However, since it has already happened, I would suggest that give him the space he wants and you too should focus on yourself and just keep yourself distracted (go out with friends, hit the gym, etc) and spend the time recovering from this. Sometimes in a relationship, unfair decisions are thrown onto us and we don't have a say in the matter; but this doesn't mean we don't deserve to be happy at the end of the day. I think you should apply the no contact rule and work on whatever I just mentioned and while you may not forget him entirely, at least this would keep your mind off things and allow you to be functional and happy still.
Hi, so i have been in this relationship for 3 months and my boyfriend told me 4 days ago that he feels he was happier before, that i restricted and took from his freedom, which i admit that i did, and he said maybe it's better to break up. I know he cares about me but when i had an issue in the beginning i talked to him and stayed because he promised we can work things out and we did. Now I find it unfair that he doesn't give me the opportunity to change. He actually told me he doesn't know if he wants to give up on me forever or just needs time. I texted him like crazy the first day, than i saw a therapist which i saw every day since then and i only reply to his texts but with longer texts and i do point out why he should not give up. In 2 days we decided to meet for a dinner. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. I know my mistakes now and i know i would not repeat them. What do you think I should do when we meet? How to react? What if he tells me he wants to break up? I need to calm myself down somehow to not start crying in a restaurant :(
Hey Cristina,
When you meet him for dinner, I suggest you play it cool, regardless of the outcome. If you really want to be with him, it's important that you do not show a weak side that comes across as desperate or needy, even if he feels that he needs a break from the relationship. Try to look at a bigger picture that if he really does decide to end things (in the worst case scenario), you're mentally prepared that you will fight for the relationship and be willing to take time in order to do so. But first, you have to ensure he doesn't end up blocking you everywhere, which may happen if you come across as overly devastated and do reckless things like beg him to stay.
Convincing someone you're willing to work things out and change sometimes will take time and the more you push it onto a person at the start, the less the person would probably believe you.
Hi, my ex just broke up with me a few days ago, after a year and a half together (she is 44 and I'm 39) We had a great connection & romance and loved being together, I am truly heartbroken & crushed.
At one point I had a drawer there with some clothes and stuff at her house and we did spend a lot of time together. We had mutual things we enjoyed doing together and connected on a sexual level as well.
During the last few months, she became distant and we didn't see each other often. Her mother also passed away during that time, which also affected her in many different ways.
Finally, she said we need to talk. She felt that the relationship is not moving forward and we are just dating each other basically. We talked a few times about moving in together and having a baby, but she said I have never actually worked hard enough to make that happen & solve all the little details involved with it. She also felt disconnect bc I would always move to a different bedroom on account of her snoring :) so we would never actually wake up together, and I didn't work to solve that in any way. anyway, I was thinking to do the no contact for 20 days instead of 30 since her birthday would be in 20 days so a text with " Hey, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday..." would be appropriate then. What do you think?
I intend to follow this 5 step plan completely as its a great advise to take little time and work on myself, date a little & then try to win her back slowly...
Hey Jonathan,
That's sounds okay as long as you have a plan of action for the period. The NC period is meant as a guideline and does not need to be strictly adhered to as long as you're aware of the reason for NC. It sounds fine if you want to text her on her birthday, however if she does not respond positively, continue with NC after the exchange.
Thanks for the reply Ryan.
I forgot to mention something sorta weird... during the talk about breaking up we were at her house.
I was upset since I didn't want the breakup, and she hugged me and one thing led to another and we had sex. Then we had some food and I was getting ready to leave. She said "take care of yourself", "I'll miss you", and we hugged and kissed and even exchanged a few jokes. so it was a very positive sort of breakup, where both of us clearly meant something to the other person, and so it was not a clear-cut breakup over the phone...
Hi Jonathan,
In that case, then I don't see why not regarding texting her on her birthday as long as you're able to handle it.
Thanks Ryan, I did get a text from my ex after applying a week of NC. She texted me: "hi i hope you are doing ok, i have some of your stuff that i can either drop off to you, or you can get it in a week" Does that means she is basically closing the door and want me out of her life, since she wants my stuff out of her place now? Do I text her back?
It really depends on your situation and context Jonathan. I wouldn't know what her intentions are exactly since I don't know her, but you would know her best. Could it be that the last hookup was more of closure for her? Regardless, since she wants to return your stuff, you should take it first before going into NC again, perhaps even longer than 30 days for your case before initiating contact with her once more.
Hello team...may I please have advice.I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now,we broke up just a week ago.I started the no contact rule a week ago as well,my girlfriend says she will never get back with me.We have had fights,argued and she says she is tired of that.She is young to be emotionally abused,she is 23 and am 24.We had a nice relationship,she tells me her deepest secrets and I do the same.She wants me to change,she has been wanting me to change but I never listened.I love her too much and am a fool to let her go for my mistakes...so I don’t know what to do to get her back,is there even a chance that she might want me back?
Hey Mark,
At the moment, you try to approach her, you may end up pushing her further away. I suggest applying the no contact rule to spend some time focusing and improving yourself (change for the better). If you really want her back, she will need to see the change in you before she may open up again.
I should apply the no contact rule for how long,because right now she probably thinks I don’t care about her anymore.Everytime we argue or fight I go the next day to her we fix things now that I am doing the no contact rule she thinks I don’t love or care about our relationship anymore,any advice will b helpful at this moment?
Hey Mark,
In situations like these, it might be your insecurities projected onto her instead of how she actually feels. Perhaps you could try once more to see if she will give you another chance and if she does (make sure you do change) but if she doesn't, then apply the NC rule for at least 30 days because if you keep pestering her, it would irritate her and make you come across as a needy person.
Hi,
I was wondering whether you can advise me on my current situation. I'm female and was in a relationship for approximately 18 months with another female. Ive been in previous long term relationships however our connection was something different we were so suited but the timing was against us. There were many issues due to her not being ready for a relationship but we gave it ago anyway however generally we were so good together but about 6 months ago she broke up with me after a few weeks of arguing due to how she treated me. I love her a lot and I know how much she loves me however she was not ready for a serious relationship so she couldn't ever put the effort that I wanted in. It made me needy etc however after approximately 4 months of NC we bumped into each other and then started texting. We have been speaking ever since and have met up a few times and about a month ago we said we would get to know each other again. However I couldn't stand not knowing whether she was speaking to anyone else... And I know we were both single but I had to ask and I suppose it turned into a argument and since then she has stated it's just not going to work right now (there's no one else involved) and she doesn't know if she will ever get over us both being with other people during the break up. We met up a couple more times as friends but the connection between us is so strong I'm finding it difficult to see past friends.
About 2 weeks ago I told her I couldn't speak anymore because no matter what I was always going to naturally look and hope for more... She agreed but didn't want to not speak but I said I couldn't. Anyway this conversation carried on, changed subject and were still speaking 2 weeks later and even met up and have been closer than we have ever been in the last 2 months!
I just don't know what to do because I do want her back as I know despite the bad timing last time we were very good together, we have the same goals, and generally well suited in our morals on our daily life but I don't want to lose her again out of my life but I don't want to break my heart in the process! I just don't get what she wants what I should do or whether to walk away but I don't get how we would be ever able to come back from it if I walk away again as if anything further happened during another period of NC then ... I just don't know !
Advice please , thank you
Hi Lauren,
It seems that she herself isn't sure of what she wants. She cares about you still but does not want to go through the negative aspects of the relationship which is why she tells you she doesn't want a relationship but still want to keep you as a friend. Perhaps it would be good to take things slow and see if there are ways in which you can convince her slowly that being together isn't such a bad idea.
So would you not recommend going back to NC ?
Well Lauren, based on the scenario you mentioned earlier, it would seem like you've already gone awhile on NC before talking to her again. Despite the argument about whether she was seeing anyone else, you guys did move on from it pretty fast and even continued the conversation for another 2 weeks. You also said that you've been closer to her than you ever felt for the past 2 months.
In my opinion, this is already sort of considered initiating re-contact. Firstly, do you think that the 'timing' is still bad at this point? If it isn't, and given the time frame for the previous NC, then there's no real point in going back to NC unless your plan is to move on from her completely.
Dear Team,
My boyfriend of a year and almost 6 months broke up with me. He has been very depressed and angry and I’ve been making the situation worse because me being a Type A personality want to fix everything. Before we were dating he was like this but somehow there was a feeling that we would still be great together so during this time I’d give him space but also fight for him and show him that someone cared. Even once he told me that we couldn’t keep “talking” to each other and we had no contact for a week before he was at my door. The no contact has begun and I’ve thought about why this relationship is something that could be great and the pros outweigh the cons. While breaking up with me he cried and told me he loved me but he can’t because he was so stressed and overwhelmed. Also, we started dating in college but now have a long distance relationship. This is both of our longest and most serious relationship. In my opinion, the depression and distance and my negative change in my nature (due to anxiety which am now going to counseling for) wore him down. I’m looking to make myself stronger and work on myself to have a better grip on my anxiety. My question is that if there is a way to show him that there is more to this relationship than what he pulled out? Also everything is telling me that history will repeat itself because we’ve even had conversations about if we broke up and he would always say that he thinks he’d take me back because of how much he loves and loved me. My friends didn’t believe that he broke up with me and all are saying he is “burned out and needs to cuddle” type thing and that this is odd even given that we’ve had some pretty bad fights in the past.
Hey there,
Is your ex currently seeking help with regards to his depression and anger? If no, it would be something you either have to encourage him to do or spend the future being extremely patient with him since outbursts and relapses in negative emotion could happen anytime (similar with your anxiety). If you want to show him that the relationship is worth it, you'll probably have to give him some space for the time being regain his composure (since you felt that you wore him down). Also, spend this time working on your outlook and fixing those issues you may have. Since the depression and distance are 2 issues you cannot control, at least the third one that you brought up is something within your control to try and change.
So this girl and I have been seeing each other for a little over a year now. During this year I have had a really hard time gettting over an ex of 6 years. I have made the mistake of contacting this ex multiple times and each time this new girl giving me another chance. I have in this time let my ex go, can finally say that I have no interest in her being in any part of my life. But, it was this last contact we had that has shown me this. Unfortunately, this last contact is also known by the girl I was currently seeing and I lied when confronted. She has since told me that she cannot be with me right now, to move on. Which to me are conflicting because right now tells me that she is leaving the door open for me to change and show her. We have spoken once or twice and she tells me she loves me still but needs to be happy with herself again. I know I need to do the same. So I’ve began setting up volunteer work, hitting the gym again, and just doing things that will make me happy. She has blocked my phone number but left social media open at which we have had very little contact. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me by it but cannot speak to me right now. She’s told me she wants to be happy with me but since I have broken her trust she only thinks that history will repeat itself. It’s been just over a week since everything has happened and I’ve tried to contact her every day since at which some times were successful. I know I need to start the no contact. I guess I just need some insight and advice. She’s an amazing woman, probably the best things that’s ever come into my life and I knew this before things went south. I don’t want to lose her for good because of my screw ups.
Hi Ryan,
Start on NC rule and not contact her for this period as constantly trying to message her will push her further away because it comes across as desperate or needy. Also NC will give both parties some space to distance themselves from the recent events that happened and the negative emotions attached to it. She's definitely given you a chance to prove yourself and to gain her trust again but give her some time to process and time for you to change before approaching her.
Hey,
I have been with my boyfriend for 1year 8 months and he broke up with me. First we went on a break because he felt miserable; before we started even liking each other 2 years ago I had kissed a boy on a night out. This boy was my ex's brother's friend and both of us were single at the time. My ex knew about this and said it was ok because he knew it was before me and him started liking each other. However, the past year my ex got closer with that boy and would tell me he felt shit often because of my past. i tried to comfort him but he kept going on and we were both arguing, we were fed up with the ups and downs so We went on a break for a week and a half, where we completely stopped talking. Then he decided he felt better without me on the break, less stressed etc and broke up with me after 1.5 weeks of a break, but said he'd been thinking about it for a while. I really want him to want me back, so I'm going to do the no contact thing for a month. But what else can I do to make him want me back, as I feel like he's chosen this friend over me. We had a serious relationship talking about the future and I tried to remind him of the bigger picture of our future, but he still wanted to break up. How can I show to him that he shouldn't just throw our relationship away? Or is it truly over?
Hey there,
If you're really serious about him, perhaps you could try to figure out what the root of the break up was caused by, whether it was an internal struggle he was already facing for awhile or was it primarily because of the friend you had mentioned. If it was the former, spend this NC period working on any issues you may have brought to the relationship and focus on self-improvement so that if you do decide to contact him again after some space, he may feel differently about you, seeing that you've changed for the better.
Dear Team,
she's so insistent on me marrying someone else because she is my brother's sister in law.
everyone in my family and her family knows about our relationship. So if I decide not to marry someone else now then all blame will be on her. My family will tell her that you have spoiled my son's life. She doesn't want to listen these type of words from my family. I have told her that I am not going to marry anyone now and do not worry about what people will say to you. I have tried my best to show her how much I love her But she is telling that if you really loved me then marry someone. I will help in searching girl for you. Right now I have told her that ok I will marry someone else, that's why she is talking to me daily but as a friend.
I want her back in my life but how I can change her mind I am not able to understand.
Is there any way to change her mind?
Regards,
Amit.
Amit,
I guess right now the only thing you can do is to take it slow. If she still is talking to you as a friend, for now you'll have to accept it and slowly try to win her back on a day to day basis again. Charm her like how you did the first time you guys got together and remind her (with actions not words) why she fell in love with you in the first place. If she really does not want to get back together with you despite all that, then it might be a better idea for you to start moving on. You don't have to marry someone else out of pressure but at least let the idea of getting her back go as well.
I have been married for 19 years (including my 1 year engagement period). My wife was having a relation with someone else while she was with me. Honestly she disclosed it to me after a 1.5 years and she was involved physically. I found the pics of her with her boyfriend on bed and some other picnic photographs. It was really shocking for me. I was annoyed and was in anger i made myself cool down and told her that ok no worries lets forget whatever has happened in that last 1.5 years and told her that i am accepting you and lets start a new life. In my life i had many ups and downs financially. She has been claiming that i never paid attention to her, i never gave that touch what she wanted and always replied in short words like yes and no. But very honestly I have been loving her whole heartedly and never expressed her. I gave the liberty to move freely, trusted her blindly, never stalked her on what is she doing or where is she going as i had complete blind trust on her.
She took separation from me on 1st july 2017, and this for me was like living in another hell, during this phase every millisecond was of my life was making cry and missing her a lot and i did the same thing which was not suppose to do. i was in frustration and sent the pics to the boyfriends wife on 21st October 2017. as i was thinking my family has been ruined i will ruin his family life. This made her more irritated and now finally she has decided to divorce me, I am still on separation phase and she has told me for meeting tomorrow. I want her to be back in my life, as i still love her and we have two kids as well daughter is 17 years old and son is 11 years.
Need your advice what to talk and what to avoid. As she has messaged me that she needs to discuss few things but dont keep any hope. Your help, support or suggestion is required. Thanks
Hey there,
I guess you could go and meet her tomorrow but like she says, keep an open mind and don't get your hopes up. Figure out where you stand in all this and if it's a position that can be salvaged. Definitely avoid coming across as desperate or needy and never beg her to stay. You could also tell her how you feel genuinely but don't try to use that as ammunition or pour it out but rather, just tell her as a means to let her know (whatever she wants to make of it is her business, not yours)
Thanks, but we could not meet as she cancelled the meeting. Hoping to meet soon.....will be waiting for her text msg for the meeting.
Dear Recovery team,
I was in a no contact rule with my ex and as per your suggestion I was not talking to her.
on day 21 of no contact rule she called me 5 6 times and so i have picked up phone and we had a discussion on our relationship. In that conversation she was trying to convince me to merry other girl. She was telling that our fields are different so its better to merry another girl. For the shake of me at least you have to merry another girl she was telling. Finally I told her that OK I will merry any other girl. Then she told me that she is very happy now and will talk to me daily. She is going to come to meet me also on my birth day on 8/11/2017.
So what should I do now? she is talking to me daily as a friend. How can I develop interest in her for me?
How can I change her mind to continue relationship with me?
I now cannot continue no contact rule anymore I think. What should I do now I cant understand.
Please help me.
Regards,
Amit.
Hi Amit,
Your situation is a little different from the norm because not many exes would spend that much effort and time trying convince their ex-partner to marry another girl. Perhaps she really is starting to see you as a friend? Regardless, you should continue to assess the situation and figure out what is going on in her mind before you decide you want to continue the relationship with her. For now, take it casual and treat her as a friend so as to get her to trust you and maybe she may open up to you on why she's so insistent on you marrying someone else.
Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend and I dated since we were 20, so its been just over 4 years! We had talked for years about spending our lives together and kids and all that. We had also dated years before, back in high school and broke up and found our way back to each other. But, last week she broke up with me, because she felt as if that she needed to try and see if she can live life on her own. We had been having troubles for about 4 months now, and we were trying to fix the problems in the relationship! But, neither of us really put much effort into fixing the problems beneath the surface, just the problems like not doing anything or just sitting around all day. Note: she wanted to leave back in August, but she also wanted to try and make things work!
Originally she had told me that she didn’t feel the same way she use to and that she didn’t know why, but she did know that she didn’t love me anymore! So we talked and agreed to work on things. There was a couple times in the 4 months where she wanted to leave and I convinced her to stay. But, there was also times when I wanted to leave and she convinced me to stay! But, this time enough was enough and she had it, so she packed up and left. I also haven’t had my license this whole relationship (currently working on getting it), She told me that she wanted me to get my shit together and that was one of the reasons she wanted to break up (I just never thought she would actually leave). But, now that she has left I know have to get my shit together. Not for her, but for me!
We are classifying this as a “break” with the chance of not getting back together and a chance of getting back together!
So we met last Sunday, to talk more about the break up and to get all of our feelings out on the table! When she picked me up, we talked as if nothing had changed and that we were still in a relationship. We ended up talking for over 2 hours and she didn’t really seem like she wanted to leave! She was extremely hungover and was the only reason she left. She even went to drop me off midway through and we sat in my driveway and we decided to go get food.
I told that we needed some time and space after the talk and that night she had tried snapchatting me and I told her that I wasn’t ready to talk. She understood and didn’t really seem ok with not talking, but she understood.
We had lived together for 4 years, and we lived in my parents basement. As I am a college student and can’t really afford to move out at this time! So, we had lived together for 4 years, and we got to the point where we stopped doing things and just sitting in my basement doing nothing! We also became dependent of each other for almost everything!
I feel like we have a good chance of getting back together, I know what I need to work on to make my life better and to make us have a better relationship. I have been getting a lot of mixed info from friends and family. Some say that she wants to get back together and some say I should move on (these people didn’t like her)
Just want to know what some strangers think?
Hi Tyler,
Personally, I think growth is important in every relationship regardless and when things get stagnant, sometimes that's when parties start finding reasons to be unhappy because they feel that the relationship isn't taking them anywhere. It's a conscious effort to be made and a continuous one at that, where if you want her back in your life (and to stay), that on your own part at least, you have to make changes to improve yourself be it emotionally or actual activities (i.e getting your license like you mentioned)
Thank you Ryan for the response
Hey, so I met my ex in high School senior year, she graduated and I dropped out. Her and I dated for 3 years sharing incredible memories. Our friends and family who have been in and out of serious relationships always said how special we were and constantly joked about how we were a "married couple". Like all relationships we would fight and we would have some big fights, but typically both of us failed to fix them. She got to a point where she couldn't be honest with me because it would lead to an argument. She went off to college and Those were the reasons why we broke up the first time, but then we got back together for one more year and we were very happy until about 2 months ago when I moved in. I got very depressed and unhappy, not with us, but with me. I let that distance ourselves and I should have been more honest with her because she could have helped me. We grew apart in 2 months and didn't feel like much of a team. I even ended up kissing someone else, which she claims isn't much of a big deal because she has kissed other people without it really bothering me or us in the past. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago and we haven't talked in a week. She says she broke up with us to save our friendship and that she wants us to still be best friends.
I want to respect that and make her happy but I feel like her and I can do that in a relationship. We always envisioned ourselves getting married up until the last 2 months when my own depression started getting in the way of us. I've overcome my depression from myself and I'm working on making my life better for me and finishing school and finding another passion, but I feel like her and I are truly made to be in a relationship. I want nothing more than to make her happy and I believe she wants the same for me but she feels like we wouldn't make it later in life right now even though she didn't have those thoughts before we started going downhill. I intend on the NC period but Is there any specific advice for my situation that I should include?
Oh and also, she claims the ENTIRE relationship was unhealthy. But I disagree, we traveled the world together, literally, shared memories that no matter who she sees, it will be hard to compare the passion that her and I bonded with over those memories. She’s up in college and I understand that she’ll probably find a rebound and the only thing helping me be okay with that is remembering that this guy hasn’t had the experiences that her and I did and that it will take a lot for her to find that with someone else. When we broke up she was torn apart and I could tell. And what happens if she wants to meet up at some point before the NC period is over? I’m not sure if this gives anymore insight on my situation
Hey Payton,
Firstly, it's good that you aren't afraid of the rebound guy coming along as we all know that it will never last. Usually people would lose their composure and end up doing something that comes across as desperate which pushes their ex further away. If you both still love each other, and her issue with you right now is honesty and that she feels that it won't work, it's up to you to convince her that it can. However, this is something that you should ease into after the NC period when she has enough time to be emotionally separated from the negative emotions she might have felt leading to the break up.
Right Kevin here is a fun one for you,
My partner of almost 5 years, came to me and said she thought that we were more like friends.
our relationship was quite afflicted with more serious matters from the get go.
we lived 600 miles apart and i met her while working away.
we decided after 7 months that we wanted to be together so she moved up to my local area ( her decision ). for the 2.5 years after that we were great. we had a few money problems but we worked it out together. as a whole the relationship felt great. and i asked her to marry me.
i then got made redundant twice in the space of the last two years which put a lot of strain on her to work harder. we moved accommodation 3 months ago and then just last Wednesday she text me saying she wanted to speak.
so basically....
She believes that we are more friends than a couple. she said there isn't anyone else ( which i 100% believe ) but said she can imagine being with other people.
now i am sensitive so we both got upset had a little cry but immediately felt we would both be OK if it had to be like this. i proceeded to go to sleep that night on the couch.
30 mins later after going over things in my head she messages me from the other room asking if she thinks i can change for the better ( i was quite lazy around the house and we didn't spend a huge amount of time together ) i went through and said i would try my best. we hugged and talked for a half hour and she went to sleep as she had to be up for work early.
now.. over the next day she seemed completely normal. we have dinner together one night and it was really nice we both had fun and great conversation, we had planned a movie night but she had been asked to go out with a friend. she asked if that was alright and i said "if you want to then of course darling".
then between Thursday and Saturday we dont get to see each other much. On two occasions she said she would be home at 8-9pm and didn't come home until 10-11pm and went straight to bed.
which brings us to Saturday night. she comes home at 10 and started work at 7 in the morning. we chat on the couch she gives me a kiss and says she is going to bed. i say i am coming to. we lay in bed and i begin to ask her how she is feeling. we talk about everything again and she decides that we feel more like friends.
que my questions,
i want to do NC but we have quite a lot of things tied together. for example joint bank accounts and my name is on the lease of the tenancy we also have a few joint debts that we were working to pay off before the split but agreed to half of it each when we ended.
i said i wanted to get this sorted if we are officially over and she said that she didn't see the rush and does not see the need to split the accounts and that until we are fully over.
i have insisted we spend a day to go around and sort things out.
i was quite needy and have texted her a lot but i am on day 3 of NC now.
here is my question. should i cancel meeting up with her on Monday ( 5 days away ) and leave it as it is for the 30 days no contact. and then use that to meet up with her after the 30 days?
let me know your ideas
a couple of things you might want to know about me:
I have just gone self employed as a electrician and just over the last few days my business is jumped up.
i am a confident person however since my last two redundancies i have been feeling quite down and a be recessed. ( i.e staying in watching tv/playing video games over going out )
i like to think i am funny. everyone around me thinks i am funny. she loved my humour and i used to make her laugh all the time.
Hi Jack,
Since you're already on the no contact rule, perhaps you could let her know that now is not a good time to meet and say that you need some space to yourself first if things are going to be officially over. This also gives both parties some room to see if the 'friends' outlook was caused by her being too comfortable around you - since passion inevitably slows down after some time into the relationship. At the end of the NC period, then sit down and talk to her and both of you can come to a final decision from there.
Ryan ( sorry i thought there was only a kevin :L ),
my issue is that she is determined she still loves me but isn't in love with me.
i know my feelings about her and i know when we were back in the first 3-4 years we were great.
i want to bring that spark back when i finally do arrange to see her, i know i need to evaluate my inner self to find those reasons as to why the passions gone.
i left her the rented flat and moved back to my parents house. she was gutted that i was leaving but my confusion as to why we were doing this made me constantly text her asking what is going on.
i suppose as with everyone i am worried about the unknown
what do i do if she messages me in the 30 days saying she thinks shes made a mistake?
what if she messages me about something to do with the flat, money or bank accounts?
i know my parts to blame in this whole mess and as i am sure you have heard before i wish i could take it back.
Ryan, i suppose i am curious as to what shes thinking. why break up the first time and instantly retract it ?
why after we just moved house? Why would she be acting %100 normal the day before Wednesday.
its all so complicated :'(
Well, no one enjoys ambiguity and that contributes to why you feel so lost and confused. The way I see it, there are two roots to your issue right now: The ambiguity of the situation and how she feels; and the lack of spark she feels from you. For the former, sometimes it can't be helped and there isn't much you can do to make the situation clearer until the other party decides to be upfront about it. For that, you'll just have to be patient and not lose your composure to 'wanting to know'. For the second reason, like you mentioned, do figure out how you get that spark back (it's never impossible) - and basically win her over again.
If she texts you within the NC period, you're free to reply her at your discretion - but do keep it casual and to the point especially if she's asking about administrative stuff regarding the flat, money or bank accounts.
Thanks for the advice I think I’m going to delay the meeting until I’m in a better frame of mind. I feel like feelings/neediness wants her back and my brain hasn’t had any time to kick in.
I suppose i should take a step back and accept the worst before trying for the best.
Thank you
Bit of an updat Ryan. I told her that I didn’t think meeting on Monday was a smart idea as it was quite soon. She seemed disappointed and said how about Wednesday?
I don’t know what to do.
Do you feel ready to meet on on wednesday? What I can suggest is to be honest with yourself and how you feel. If you feel ready, then meet her. If not, you're probably better off arranging for a later date.
I don’t think I have accepted That it’s over. I find myself thinking that maybe it will work out all the time. Part of me doesn’t want to meet her in case she says she still doesn’t want us
In that case Jack, give yourself the space you need. If you really want her back, use this space to work on the issues you may have had like mentioned in earlier comments.
Hi Kevin,
Great website! I'm 39, she is 42. Long story short and I'll get to the major points: In a brutally honest, long term loving relationship for 13 years with a single mother living in another country. I visit her once or twice a year and talk daily through social media. Financially took care of her and her daughter up to college as well as her aging mother. Her family and friends adores me, my family disapprove due to cultural differences but I'm culturally open. We've had minor fights that we overcome over the years but they seem to get more intense as the years pass by. She ended it yesterday in what I can describe as amicable from both of us. She thinks ending it will make her happy, and I want her to be happy if that will make her happy! She wants to end it because she doesn't "feel young anymore", and I don't care about her age! Also she wants to get married and live like normal couples, but that is extremely difficult on my part as my country makes it extremely difficult to marry from her country. I would marry her if I could. She thinks I'm fun loving and don't future plan, while she is future planning and worries about the future. Its been one day now, and I think its a good time for both of us to self reflect, but I'm not sure if this one will too pass off as the previous minor fights or if this is permanent. No question in particular, but a neutral observation/comment/opinion/suggestion from you would give me clarity!
Hey there,
Well, in long distance relationships, misunderstandings can happen a lot more than the typical relationship since both parties don't see each other as often and there's more room to overthink. Also when fights happen, it becomes harder to simply meet them and apologize or make up and resolve things. Perhaps, give each other a little space, and have a proper talk to her and share whatever you've written down here when both parties are in a good frame of mind. Communication is really important here as both parties don't seem to not love each other but rather, the constant misunderstandings and lack of communication cause the fights to happen.
Hi Kevin, so I have a Long Distance Relationship with my girlfriend, but for a variety of reasons we agreed on taking a break from each other, she needs space and time so we agreed on No Contact except urgent stuff and no "other people", becuase is just a break. It doesn't have a certain time limit, but as it is associated with stress and her Uni, my wild guess is that by the end of her semester (mid-December) things may cool down. She's having a tough time right now in her life in general (struggling with Uni, problems in her family, can't stand being home) and eventually our relationship kinda "freezed" her feelings... basically she lost the attraction, but not the way she feels and cares about me.
The thing is, I can't know for sure how long this break is going to take, because even if NC is over, she may still be struggling with all of this, I guess I need to "feel her out" after NC to try and see how things are going. But what is your advice?
One other thing, probably she's going to contact me for my birthday, do I answer her? She also said she's going to give me the tracking number of a package she's going to send me for my birthday (she already prepared it 2 months before this).
Hi Paul,
Since your break up was essentially a 'break' more than a break up, I would suggest that you could still reply to her regarding your birthday. Additionally, if you want to contact her after the NC period, you should be mentally be prepared to be extra supportive of what she's going through and avoid adding more stress to her (fights, disagreements, etc) since that may result in another break or even a break up this time. Thread carefully and ease it in to show her that you can be supportive of her struggles since that's what couples do.
I am leaving this comment because I find Kevin's daily emails really useful, and I thought he is the only one who could give me the best advice. My scenario is pretty unique(i think), and I could not find a suitable solution or suggestion anywhere, so I am here to ask for help! So here it is:
My bf(25yrs old) broke up with me(20yrs old) a month ago. We had been dating for 1yr3months, and it's the longest relationship for both of us. We broke up not because we don't like each other, but it's because he told me he had to focus on himself. He said he always wanted to save up to buy a truck and a house. We were a long distance relationship(LA and SD), so he said he wanted to be selfish about his time and money from now on. He said he is almost halfway through 25 now, and he wants to have some change in his life. He said the breakup was a hard decision, and he considered it for quite some time. He said he gets distracted easily, and he doesn't think a relationship is good for him for now. He keeps telling me that he still likes me and that he is not talking to no other girls. I am pretty sure this is true because he gave me his logins for everything, and he really was not talking to anyone else. Anyway, after the broke up, I tried to not talk to him, but I broke the no contact rule twice. He texted and called me once after the broke up. He told me that I could call him whenever I want(what is this for? what is he thinking?) He also told me that we can hang out sometimes and do "boyfriend girlfriend thing" like hiking, going to the beach, and etc. What does he want?! I am really confused.
After breaking up for a month, we actually spent time together at a festival this past weekend. He said he still likes me a lot, that's why he only wanted to hang out with me at the festival. He was really happy when he sees me, and he even told me that if he wants to talk to girls again, I am the next one on the list. We spent two days together, and my friend told me we were just like a couple. Honestly, this weekend we were as if we went back to the time when we first started dating. Everything was sweet and cute... He even said that he was gonna come see me next week. But....
Today, he started replying me on snapchat, which he hasn't done since the breakup. But then later I asked him whether he could give us one more chance since we had a great time(I know I screwed up). He was silent... He said he was perfectly fine when he was focusing on himself. He was saving up, going to the gym, eating healthy, and sleeping early. He said he wants to crush his goals. He said relationship is too much pressure for him... And now he said he's not coming up this week anymore..........
What should I do? I am between giving up on us and trying for one last time. I'm mentally tired. :'(
Thank you really much for reading my comment. I really need some help!
Hi Charisse,
To better help you understand the context of a male, you have to know that there are strong internal obligations and a sense of responsibility most males will feel and go through at a certain age where he starts thinking about his future. That's not to say that he doesn't love you but right now, his priorities and focus can't be on you because he feels that the obligation to fulfill his duties come first. It may be possible to convince him that you can support him on his decision and that you'll be able to wait for him while he works on improving himself, but it definitely won't be easy. Moreover, I feel that since he's working hard to improve himself, you should do the same, so that you too are able to grow as a person.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me 5-weeks ago. We were in a relationship for 4-years. A healthy, strong,loyal, loving. respectful relationship. We lived together and were planning and implementing steps for our future. To say I was blindsided is an understatement. He loved me more than anything - I just didn't/don't understand.
During the 5-Weeks, I have had to contact him - moving out, separating bank accounts etc. Basic admin. But I have always been the one to reach out. I have also made the fatal mistakes of contacting with "long messages". I found out that he is "talking" to another girl he works with. They were talking a week after we split. She is the exact, polar opposite of me in every single way and also about 6-years younger. A young, care-free, easy girl. My ex is not the type for casual hookups and they fact they talk a lot makes me think its more.
The reason he said he broke up with me was to "find himself" and just be on his own. He has been in relationships(long term) since he was 16(he is now 30). Three - One after the other.So it baffles me as to how he could be with someone so quick. I have confronted him about it(fatal mistake, I know) and he says he is still single, he just enjoys talking to her and her company and he assured me it was not the reason for the breakup. He was always loyal - I do believe this(even if I sound silly). I am not sure now what the nature of their relationship is.
Last week, I have deleted all means of communication with him. I deleted his phone numbers and all means of social media. It has been a week of official no contact.
The thing is, I think he is so focused on his new girl that he is completely over me. I am not entirely sure where to go to from here. I don't know the person he is being. I feel like I don't know him at all anymore. I am in the process of working on myself and I feel good about that. I would not want to get back together until I was 100% me again(I lost myself in our relationship). But I feel like if I reach out after no-contact it will be me, once again, reaching out.
Do I just focus on myself, having a good time with friends and be the best me and wait for him to contact me again?
I do want him back but I would want him back on different terms. He would have to be a better person than he was(and is being). Same applies to me. However, I am not sure if this is just wishful thinking?
Thank you!
Hi Abigail,
Firstly, the relationship he may have jumped into and the reason he's so focused on it right now could be that she's a rebound for him. Regardless, as you say, even if you want to get back together with him that it should be on different terms so spend this period of time focusing on yourself and creating a better version of you. That's the least you could do for yourself and when the time comes, if you decide that you still want to talk to him again, at least you're no longer the same person you once were. As to whether he would change or not, is a entirely different story, but one that you cannot control.
Thanks I got this site, I met a guy in April online and we had such a great connection we come from same state and have a lot in common , we live in different countries and he was planning of visiting by December, he always put me in his future plans and talked about marriage with me, I'd thought we were meant to be, I even prayed about him severally, most times I'd notice he'd say when he comes back we would have sex, if I object he gets angry, but we talk the following day and laugh over it, sometime in August he asked me to send nude pics and I politely refused, that wasn't the first time, he didn't talk with me till the following day, I called him and he disrespected me so much, called me names such as being selfish and said it wasn't compulsory we communicated everyday, and even see when he returns, I cried as he spoke to me, that did not move him,i told him to act like a Christian he claims to be and ended the call, I unfollowed him on face book, and he called on what's app, I didn't respond, he sent several messages that day, I ignored, the following day he told me he wouldn't bother me again, a week later he says hi, I responded and he gives me this cold response, after about 3weeks ,I apologized for blocking him on facebook and tell him I miss us, and he says he misses us too, following day, I try to chat him and he continued responding coldly, I told him I was only checking on him, and he says I should stop checking on him it's no longer appreciated. I told him off the following day and broke up with him, it's been almost 40days we haven't said a word to each other. Truth is I wish this didn't happen, how do I get him to contact me, I'm afraid of getting another cold response so I haven't said a word to him, his birthday is in 7days ,do I wish him happy birthday? How do I get us back together?
Hey Nikky,
Firstly, although you wished it didn't happen, I felt you did the right thing. You deserved to be respected as a person and if you object to doing something, your partner should respect that wish. He may be treating you coldly because he wanted something more sexual which you objected to (no wrong in that) and having said that, you may be better off finding someone who would treat you with respect and dignity. Having said that, if you still do want to be with him, I guess you could wish him happy birthday but leave it at that and see how he responds to it.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broken up with me due to my inability to change and she was afraid of being together with me and go through all the things I had done to her. So me being an emotional wreck, I kept begging for her to come back and said that I would change this time. Which didn’t work. I started using NC for a week and I went to drunk text her and I got blocked. We had a relationship for 10 months now and I’m still having a hard time accepting it and falling to depression. Is there really no more chance for me? I gonna change for real this time.. because she’s worth it...
Hi Anthony,
Try to complete the no contact period before trying anything again and if you really intend to change, show it to her with actions and not words because that will have a stronger impact.
Thanks for the reply! Appreciated it. But is there anyway for her to unblock me? If she doesn’t, I don’t know of any ways to communicate with her after the NC.
Perhaps you could try other forms of social media (but don't make it too apparent) - if not, unfortunately, you'll have to extend that no contact period until she decides to unblock you. Trying anything else may come across as too desperate and that might scare her further away.
Does writing a letter changing my number seems to desperate that will drive her off?
I don't follow Anthony, do you mean writing a letter to let her know you've changed your number?
Hi, I was with a girlfriend for about 2.5 months. In September 2016 I started a 4-year drawing class in the evenings. and I got to know her from there. I never suspected it, but she started to make the first moves to let me know she liked me during last spring and summer. She was back then for instance complaining she didn't know with whom to go on holiday with, but that she probably would go alone. I then suggested we could go together, and we both liked the idea very much. We went on this holiday and the rest is history. History indeed, because she broke up 3 weeks ago. I think she said she felt a lack of love in the relationship lately, I guess I didn't always listen carefully to what her unfulfilled needs were etc, or understand her hints to talk about this. In the middle of the night we had some discussion, and I didn't feel talking there that moment as I was tired, and I just went to sleep. I think she felt hurt. The next day we both went to work, and I saw her again only a few days later during which she broke up with me. We though had a great times in the relationship too, especially during the first two months, and she said many times she experienced it the same.
I just came across your website, which sounds like good advice, but I did made some mistakes according to your plan. I'm not texting her often, quite the contrary, but I did let her know via email 3 days ago (3 weeks after the breakup), I am thinking about her a lot, and that I would like to have a walk with her to talk about untold things. She agreed, and in her reply she didn't say anything that she's thinking about me too, but only talks about with great new things she is doing lately, and that she only has time to walk and talk with me during a few hours, next Sunday. All the other times she is busy (which she usually is not so much, because we mostly met every day before, sleeping together in either her or my apartment). Now I feel I may come across needy indeed, because I ask for a walk and talk with her because I wanted to talk about the relationship, and that I think a lot about her, she replies she wants to walk, but she only writes in the email about the fun times she has with other people and things, and that she has a tiny hole in her agenda next Sunday where we could meet. How do you think I should reply? How would you respond to this email in this situation? By the time you answered I might already responded to her that meeting next Sunday will be ok (I would not know what else to do). Any advice when I'm in that situation too?
Sometimes I saw her in the drawing class too (this week is a holiday though), so the no contact rule was not applied. I could perhaps go much less to drawing class for a while?
Many thanks!
Hi Jan,
Since you have arranged to meet her already, go through with it but during that time, do not come across as needy or keep bringing up that you miss her. She's showing you that she's able to carry on with life and do things despite the break up and you should too. Also, don't skip your classes since you've already made the commitment there but perhaps read our post on handling work and situations where you have to see your ex.
Hi Ryan,
thanks for the good advice man.
I still have one follow-up question though to your response: Will it be for sure the best thing to do to go through with the meeting I set? I arranged the meeting before I came across this website, and the main purpose was to say what I think what went wrong in the relationship, and how I miss her. This doesn't sound like a good idea anymore, so I wouldn't know what to talk about really on this meeting? The fact I asked for the meeting, while she's not making contact to me on her initiative for weeks already makes me needy in my opinion now. Any advice an what to talk about on this meeting, or for a reason to postpone or even decline the meeting?
best!
PS why not put a donate button somewhere on the site?
Hey Jan,
Now that I understand the context a little better, perhaps its best that you reschedule that meeting to a later date. Spend this time focusing purely on yourself for now and when you feel more ready and have made some changes to your life, then you could contact her at a later date to discuss those feelings if you still want to. The most important thing is that when you're discussing those feelings, it should be a discussion that doesn't affect you and set you back into a cycle of hurt and sadness. You could postpone the meeting by saying something cropped up or else just be vaguely honest saying that you feel both parties need time before meeting to discuss and you aren't ready to at this stage.
ps: that's something we will consider but at the moment we do have a product that goes more in depth than the blog in helping individuals cope with their break ups
Hi kevin
I broke up with my boy friend yesterday. And this is the 3rd time in on year. The reason behind is his laziness to take decisions in his own life. Since day one it was clear that we speak with each other in order to decide to commit officially. Since we started talking and he keeps postponing this major point. I came to ask him once if he likes me and find me good enough to commit. He answered yes but he is not ready yet to commit. I waited for him for so long till his calls disappered and his text msg became rare. Then i took my last desicion to leave him till he makes up his mind. He shocked me with his answer of me being pushy and pressured him and that he is not sure if its gonna work though he wants it. But still he is not ready and i may go ahead and break up and find other guy coz i deserve better chances.
What shall i do?? pls advise me!
Hi Sam,
If you feel that you want a committed relationship but he isn't able to give you that, then it's only fair to yourself to move on and find someone who will give you what you need. Sometimes people at different stages of life have different frequencies and he may be ready to commit one day down the road but it won't be fair to both parties that you're constantly waiting indefinitely and he is pressured by you to commit.
Hi, I hope you would be able to give some advice in my situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months over 2 months ago. The main reason for the break up for wanting to focus on his career and he didn't have time for me. The break up was a mutual decision. I did the no contact for 30 days then messaged him. He replied very nicely and also said that he misses me. I said I miss him too but left it there. We kept texting for a while and spoke on the phone once. It was very emotional for me and I think for him too. He said he was really hurt because of the break up. I told him that I still miss him and hope there would be a chance for us to get back together. He said it would be nice to catch up and also we kind of agreed a date for the meet up. When I couple of days after asked him to confirm the date he never responded. We did text a bit afterwards, he also replied to me. But then he stopped completely responding to me. Is there anything I can do to make this work?
Hi Hannah,
Perhaps you could talk to him to figure out what happened and why he suddenly stopped replying you?
Hi Kevin, Great advice here. Thank you. More about my situation, I'm married and have 2 small kids. My husband had an affair for over 1 year and has not let go of his "friendship" in my eyes. He just moved out. How long do you think my no contact should be? how do I handle this with small kids? my no contact will be hard considering the kids, do I tell him that i want to minimize contact or do i just start avoiding him? with the holidays approaching i'm getting cold feet on the separation. guidance is greatly appreciated. :)
Hi Monica, firstly, be strong. If he has not let go of his 'friendship' at this point, you should not give in to him and let him back. It's not fair to you or your kids. The no contact period should be done as long as required and you don't have to avoid him completely but just tell him that you feel its better for both parties if he wants to continue being involved with another person.
Thank you.
Hi, I want your advice. We were 2 years together but before that we were 4 years best friends. He ended our relationship with tears in his eyes because he was not in love anymore. He still likes me, but not enough for a relationship. He said he hoped he didn't make the mistake of his life. I was too jealous and too negative because of the situation with my parents. I was very jealous because my other ex cheated on me. I want to be more positive and since the breakup I'm working on it. I didn't text him since the breakup but he went to my sister to talk. We have a lot of common friends and we still put some snaps in our group. He said to my sister he hopes we can be back best friends like before because he still thinks I'm a wonderful woman. It's now been 2 weeks since the breakup and I didn't hear from him personnaly (instastory and snapchat in group happened). He still has my gopro and a lot of things I need...
What do you think about it? Is there a chance for me to get back to him?
Hey there,
I suggest since you have gone 2 weeks without talking to him, perhaps complete another 2 weeks to give both parties some space and to work on your trust issues before asking for your stuff back. In situations like these, its normal that the spark is lost and he ends up seeing you as a friend again because of the history you have as best friends so it's important if you want him back that the spark/passion needs to be created to allow him to see you as more than friends.
And how can I make him fall in love again with me? We met two weeks ago, he was hurt he said he still have feelings for me, but not enough for a relationship. Before being again bestfriends he want to give me the time to lose my feelings for him. We meet again in 2 weeks because we have mutual friends. After we met the first time, I wanted to continue the NC, but he texted me to ask me where I was when he saw I was at a party, he texted me for the spotify, he still has contact with my sister. But he said to his bestfriend (I still have contact with his friends) that he is over me, totally done and he wants space. Do you think there is still a chance?
There's definitely a chance if you're patient. Right now, if you push things, he may end up walking away. I can't tell you exactly how to make him fall in love with you again, but perhaps you could think back to when you guys first got together, and how it happened and felt. If you're able to re-create those feelings, he may fall for you once more. Like I said, it's normal for long term relationships to fall out of spark because they become stagnant, hence why it's important for long term couples to continuously do things to keep the spark and not let the relationship become too boring.
I broke up with my ex in a fit of anger. I had an unhealthy tendency of doing that, but he told me that last time was the final straw. After a couple days of thinking and lots of therapy sessions. I realized that this relationship was something I truly cherished. I went back to him and asked for him to give me another chance. He said that I could move back in and prove that I could be a decent human being. But because he also gave me a limited time frame, I got desperate to prove to him that I could be better. I bombarded him with affection and constant questioning about our relationship. Finally after a week of suffering, he told me that he was done, and that it really was completely over. He said it was fine if I continue to live there as long as I don't have expectations that we get back together. He told me not to act like we are still together in front of friends. We were still sleeping together during all of this too.... He told me that he needs space and that although he loves me a lot, the stress of the relationship now outweighs his love for me. I am madly in love with him and he told me I need to live with him as a friend. How do I get him back at this point? Is it too late?
Hey Annie,
I don't think it's too late. However, there are issues you may need to spend time working on. At the moment, it's best you give each other some space and move out if you're able to and apply the no contact rule. By continuing to live with him at right now, you'll only constantly remind him of the bad memories since both parties have not had time to recover. Also, since you already know it's not healthy to use break ups so casually as each time you do, it'll make walking away easier on both parties, so it's something you need to work on too.
Dear Kevin,
I Just got out of a relationship that we both took very seriously. We were crazy about each other and madly in love. We planned our futures together and thinking that all of that is out the window now is just gut-wrenching. We are currently at different colleges but I am planning on transferring quite soon. I am feeling depressed and broken now so I know when I move I will feel a bit better because I have friends at the new school. It is so hard, but after reading your steps I am aiming for the no contact rule right now. Even though after the initial breakup I did try and talk to him by the end of that week I started the no contact rule. The hardest thing for me to deal with besides not having him right now is that I feel dumb for making plans and just celebrating our anniversary.
I am trying to stay busy with friends so I have made advanced plans with them and when I am out and about I don't feel as sad. When we were breaking up he said that it wasn't really anything I did but that he needed to build a stronger relationship with God. He doesn't think that we are part of God's plan and he needed time. That was so hard for me to hear but I am trying to respect it and give him time. Just because we aren't the same denomination, we are both Christians that have same core beliefs so I am trying to build a relationship for myself also.
We are both in our early 20s and we were together for almost 2 years. At one point he wanted a break that lasted a week and he initially thought that breaking up would be good for him but he said he instantly knew that was not the right choice.
Hi there,
It's great that you've read our blog and have a plan to establish no contact already. Since you already have a good plan, focus on that and everything will be fine. If he needs to form a closer relationship with God, it's good that you are able to give him the space he needs and respect that. This will show him you are able to respect his strong faith in his religion, which I'm guessing he's a lot more staunch than you are?
I guess we are both very into our faiths but the reason for the breakup was that he wanted to be stronger in his and really find out God's plan for him. He said he "wants" God's plan to be us but he isn't sure. He said that he is not saying we won't get back together but he is not promising we will. He has since been posting on social media seeming like he is all calm and cool. it hurts and I feel like I can go a few days being okay and then everything hits me again when I see his feed. I am having such a hard time and constantly wondering if he is too or if he thinks about me as much. I see him watching my snapchat stories and him following his previous ex that broke his heart. What could this mean? I am trying to relax and not believe my first instincts like I read in the posts after I calm down I think so much more rational. My NC for 30 days should end about Thanksgiving break when we will both be in our hometown. That's when, if I want to still, I will reach out. How does that sound?
Hey Ara,
That sounds good. It's great to see you follow our advice and you seem to know how to handle this well. Like you say, try not to follow your first instinct and lose your calm in the process but rather, be rational about the situation and not overthink it. During this period, try your best not to obsess over him and how he feels or thinks but just spend this time working purely on yourself.
Is there anything else I could be doing better. Do you think we might have a chance in the future. I'm trying to give him all of the time and I feel like he might start to miss me.
In my experience, there's always a chance but it all boils down to what people do with that chance. Right now, 'God' could be a convenient excuse to use in place of the reason he may not be telling you. This is why it's important to focus on yourself and improve yourself so that if you do want him back down the road, you could make him want you back because of the changes you've made in yourself that attracts him back to you.
Hi Kevin, I was in a relationship for 6 months and my girl saw a message on my phone of me flirting with another girl but I never cheated and she knows this. Before we started the relationship, she told me once she cant trust, she cant date so she broke off immediately after the incident. All through the relationship, I was the person more in love and I know she liked me a lot but not as much as I loved her. This is the reason why I think she is really gone. I begged, cried, and got used as a doormat (even sexually) but she didn't take me back. I have decided to establish the NC rule (4 days and counting). The problem is we live together and I am lucky to be away for work but I move back home in 3 weeks. How do I continue the NC rule? Do I need to move out? What happens if she doesn't respond positively after the NC? Do i give up & move on? Confused. At what point do I give up?
hey John,
It seems in your case, perhaps use this 3 weeks to apply no contact. When you return, you can initiate re-contact to see how it goes. If she does not respond positively, then it may be a better idea to move out so that you'll be able to move on too. The no contact rule and moving on may give you a fresher perspective to see how things could possibly mend situations (should you still wish for it further down the road)
Hi Kevin, can you provide some help of building the relationship after NC in order to keep it permanently? After NC, we talked about what's wrong with the previous relationship (Yes, we talked logically, not just blaming each other). We don’t share much common interest, hobbies even time table so it was a hard time when we are in relationship. We both tried to make some changes to cater to each other but it is not working.. We know in the deep of our heart we are loving each other so much so we talked about the break up reason, both we think we are not the perfect one and we deserve a better partner…. So we are doing some push/pull behavior recently and I start to think about should I just let her go and never look back. I know it sounds crazy but we have been 8 years and loving each other so much. I don’t know what’s wrong in this relationship and I think we are willing to do some changes to improve it if needed… Thank you.
Hi Leon,
Every relationship has different circumstances to it and most often, the changes/compromises that need to be made, you guys will be better aware of it than anyone else. If it's a problem with schedules, perhaps see how you guys can have a common understanding on when to meet during your free time, etc. If it's communication issues, sit down and talk things out to come to a consensus on how you address misunderstandings and fights.
My ex left me about 3 weeks ago, after I had left to Argentina for two weeks for a study abroad program. When I came back, we celebrated with family and the next day spent the day together happily. We even talked about getting a dog together and we slept together. Suddenly, the next day, he came back LATE from work in the morning (he worked graveyard) and said that he wanted to break up..We were together for nearly four years and had recently moved in together into our first apartment alone. I tried to talk to him and convince him to try and work on our relationship but he wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why he wanted to break up and was not really interested in working it out. He kept saying that he was happy being single while I was gone, then He said that he was tired of arguing but we hadn't argued in a very long time, then he said that the relationship was hard work and he was tired of trying. This was a day long event and for a second there he said he would work it out even though he knew he wasn't going to change his mind. The worst part was when I tried to kiss him and he would close his eyes and close his mouth tightly as if he was grossed out by me..After a day of trying to work things out, I had asked him if it was because he wanted to see other people and he finally admitted and said yes. After that, I packed all my stuff up and left immediately.
A week later, I was dying to hear from him and talk to him to once again try and work it out. When we spoke, he seemed happy. And he then proceeded to tell me that he had been talking to someone from work. I'm not stupid, and I know that these things don't "suddenly" just happen.. I'm sure he had been talking to her for a while. I found out that he had already had sex with her and it just broke my heart..The worst part of it was that he would always joke around and tell me that I would one day be a nurse and leave him for another nurse or doctor. And sure enough he was the one to leave me for another nurse...
I love him so much, aside from this incident, he has always been a great person and boyfriend to me and I don't want to lose him. I guess I just want to know if he is really done with me. He told me that he will always love me but because we spent 4 years of our lives together, not because he is IN love with me anymore.. I know that ever since I started nursing school it has been difficult. I have had to rely on him a lot and it has been emotionally draining. But we had always worked it out.
I just need to know what to do...I want him back. I just need to know if I have a chance in being able to..
Hi Joy,
If the break up seemingly happened so sudden, it might have been on his mind for awhile now? In this case, there's nothing you should do at this point to try and chase him back because it'll only backfire on you. I can't say that there's a 100% chance to get him back, but what I can suggest is that you take this time to apply the no contact rule with him in order to work on yourself. Improve yourself as a person and recover from the devastation first. When that is over, assess the situation (and yourself) again before deciding if it's something you want to go for.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Please go through below situation with my ex. And suggest me what should I do now. I will follow all what you will suggest.
my girlfriend who is my brother’s sister in law. we are in a deep love from 3 years. my age is 33 and her age is 22. she is in acting field. and myself is a service person earning good. problem is that we both have talked about our relationship to family members. after that all fortunately agreed. and then they decided to complete the ring ceremony. but my X refused to got engaged as she is in acting field. she told to wait for more 2 years. after that I told her that dont worry you continue your study. but one day suddenly what happened to her I dont know, she decided not to marry with me any more. I tried to convince her what is the problem and she told me that I want to focus on my carrier now. I dont want to repeat this type of mistakes again.
I tried to convince that you focus on your carrier no problem but why are you ending our relationship? but she is refusing all these. She has now carrier only in her mind. she is talking with me daily but with no feelings. and if I tell her to meet she refusing to meet me. but she is talking with me daily in normal way. She calls me, message me daily and also telling me that I have seen many dreams with you but all are now be a dreams only ..she has decided in her mind that she has a long carrier and I can't marry right now.
How to change her mind .
What should I do to get her back.
I have started no contact rule and on 5th day of no contact time she contacted me but I have not talked to her. After that she daily sending messages to me but I have not replied. But on 13th day of no contact rule she messaged me that I have some work and unfortunately I have broke the no contact rule and talked to her. In that conversation she told me that merry another girl. If you love me truly than please merry other girl. And I was telling her that I am not able to live without her. I dont want any other girl. But she is telling that you are not able to understand me. I have then stopped talking to her again.
So now what to do I dont understand. what should I follow now.
Should I continue no contact or should I talk to her?
Please help me.
I am ready to do all the things you suggest to me but please help me in this matter .
If I could talk to you on phone then please provide me the number , I will call you .
Regards
Amit Bhatt.
Hi Amit,
Perhaps right now, you should give her space and time. If her career is something she wants to focus on at the expense of her relationships, it is her choice to make and if you pressure her otherwise, she might feel resentful towards you one day. She might have told you to marry someone else because she didn't want you to wait indefinitely but unless you find out if that's the reason for sure, it's only my speculation. You should continue with the no contact for now until you feel like you're emotionally stable before contacting her again, but more so as friends first before anything else.
Thanks for your quick response and suggestions Team,
Right now she is not talking to me. No messages, no calls, and I also have stopped talking.
So should I tell her in text message that you I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. and then continue to no contact rule?
Or I should not do anything and continue No contact Rule.
Kindly suggest what to do?
Regards,
Amit.
Hi Amit,
Complete the no contact period first before telling her that as the effect of it right now may not be very strong due to the recency of events.
Hi, so I have been with my current ex for about 2yrs now. We have had major and petty issues and all seemed like we got bored and have brought out the worst in ourselves.
Ever since, I have been trying to bring us back together. Tried talking, tried texting and have been begging endlessly but all to no avail. We have been very supportive Every inch of the way with financial support and material support as well.
She lives with me and this has been difficult to find closure with the relationship.
Please what do I do, about the way I feel because i Cannot focus on anything and this is affecting my physical and mental health.
She made me realize that I am the major cause and I have been apologizing and hoping we work things out but it's not happening.
Should I leave the house to other state without telling her where I'm going to and establish the no contact rule? Because living together as ex's and having no communication may further cause issues.
I don't intend to give her up anytime soon, I want her back.
Please your advice is highly required.
Seeing her everyday is not helping me find closure and further makes me look weak and needy because I can't but break down and cry and try helping her to do things and end up begging her.
Meanwhile, her fear is that we might end up doing the same very things that has been causing our repeated fights and breakup. But I'm promising not to be that annoying anymore and would like to make her see me for me because I realized I came into this relationship with a lot of hurt.
My current fear is ....? maybe she has moved on, maybe she is interested in someone else or she never loved me from the beginning. Tell me how best to either move on or win her back.
Hi Joan,
You don't have to move to another state but yes, perhaps moving out would be the best solution, not only for her, but for you too. Right now, you're both too caught up in the ongoing emotions and you can't recover if you're constantly reminded of her. Also, she won't be able to see you in a different light because you're crying and begging in front of her and it'll make you look weak. If you want to convince her that you've changed, you actually have to show it and not just say it, which takes time and space to change her mind set.
Thanks for the response but please explain to me how best to go about this.
Do I move out temporarily or permanently?. When I move, do I still establish the No contact rule? Do I need to explain to her when and why I'm moving? And if I'm moving temporarily, how long is enough time before I return? And if you advice I show her I have changed do I stay back here to prove that?
I am afraid of loosing her and I do not want my absence or my presence to Futher worsen the problem.
I look forward to your response, thank you.
Hey Joan,
As you guys have broken up, I think you should move out with a mindset that's more permanent than temporary. Whatever that happens after should be a bonus, not an expectation. Establish the no contact rule from then on, and work on improving yourself. You could tell her that your moving out is because you want to take the time and space to work on your issues and on creating a better version of yourself. From past records, people don't worsen the problem by creating some distance. She won't forget your either so soon.
We are broken up, but I love her and funny enough she loves me too, but she's now sharing social media affections to another guy but still shows me love and care. But doesn't want to get back together an also, I have tried to stay away but she still comes back in my life once in awhile and its so difficult to let go because I truly love her even though we're not together, but what she's doing with the guy still keeps hurting. I don't want to lose her cause I mean to spend the rest of my life with her but she's being over affectionate with another guy more than she has ever been with, and making me feel all we shared was fake and based on lies like she's confused. She all of a sudden asked me "WHAT MAKES ME SO SURE THAT WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S THE RIGHT GIRL FOR ME" Please what do I do to win her back, to prove to her she's the one. And am the guy for her. Please??
Hi Samuel,
Perhaps the guy she is being affectionate with is a rebound for her. It may hurt but right now you can't do anything about them. What you can do however, is to give yourself some space and work on self improvements so that if a second opportunity presents itself, you are able to make a move on it, without any previous baggage from the last break up.
Hey Kevin
I was wondering if you could help me
My GF (18) dumped me (18) 2 months ago because she sudddenly just stopped “feeling it” and just feels like She “needs to be alone at the moment” and that she sees me more as a friend than a boyfriend, that she can't see a future with me at the moment but that she wishes she could have those feelings towards me. She also said she doesn't want to lead me on at all. We had been dating for 6 months and all was well. At this time of year we are both in our last year of high school and she is aiming for a perfect score so is incredibly busy and stressed, and after school finishes in one months time she will be travelling with her family abroad for another 2 months. I was NC for 21 days and a week ago I sent my first text message, I started and ended the conversation quickly and two days later I started it up again however I only received two replies off of her before she stopped replying. I was just wondering about how I could best deal with this situation? As I'm all out of ideas.
Hey Sam,
As much as you may not want to hear this, but some feelings can't be forced. I suggest continue with the no contact rule so as to give her more space because if she stopped 'feeling it' all of a sudden, your presence back in her life this soon won't change it. Ultimately 18's a young age and because you're both still growing emotionally and figuring out what you guys want, it's best to perhaps let her figure it out.
Hey Ryan
So your saying there's absolutely nothing at all that I can do? And that I should just give up? Like I know it sounds bad, but I'm not ready to just throw in the towel and give up that easily. Besides completely ignoring her again and hoping that in a few months time she changes her mind, is there anything at all I can do?
Cheers Sam
Hey Sam,
Ultimately for a relationship to work out, it still takes two hands to clap. Human emotions are a tricky thing as even though you may perform all the black and white guidelines perfectly, if she completely shuts you down or doesn't reply to you, there really isn't much you can do, short of getting desperate and pressuring her (which many people end up doing) and we all know how that will turn out. This is why I suggested giving it more room, and letting her grow a little before you come back into her life. Some game plans take a month to fulfill but unfortunately, some awhile longer. Having said that, I'm not telling you to just give up, but rather use this time to focus on yourself instead. She may just end up seeing you in a different light.
Hey Ryan I just feel like if I dont start building up rapport again soon and leave it, it'll be a couple of months before I next get the opportunity and that by then she will have completly moved on and that it will be to late. And I know I'm going against your advice here, but if I was to message her again soon is there a way I can do it without coming off as desperate?
Ps: I have been using the last 2 months to improve on myself and have made a lot of significant life changes in order to better myself, but I feel like there's no way of me conveying that to her.
Hey Sam,
You'd be surprised by what time can do for a person. That's why there are many cases where people get back together even after years apart. Sometimes, both parties need to change in order to see each other in new light and change takes time. I'm not saying that it's impossible but I would rather you mentally prepare to move on than to linger around with potentially false hope.
Sam I was in a relationship with a woman I was madly in love with for 14 years our relationship was awesome at first and after we had our son she got really stressed out and we tried for 12 years to work it out and it just doesn’t sometimes. I hate to say it and I still love her but I had to give up on a 14 year relationship after we separated for 7 months. I was torturing myself trying to earn her back needless to say sometimes it for the best.
So My boyfriend broke up with me because he needs to focus on himself. He got very depressed and developed low self-esteem. We’re at different colleges right now and his first time being at a real college, and it’s hard to adjusting and things haven’t been the way he’s wanted it to there. Which sucks because I went through different schools and went through the same depression/lost thing and still stuck by his side and I’m always there for him in general. He has been going through a lot of changes in his life, and he’s been distant and angry lately. We have faced many problems because of it and I was always willing to work on our problems as a team. He says he needs time and space to work on himself. He said he can't be happy with me if he's not happy with himself. And that every time he tries to fix things, he keeps on hurting me and he can’t do that anymore. He also told me it has nothing to do with me and it’s his fault. But i don’t get why he’s pushing me away and he kept telling me he doesn’t want this to be like this and will talk to me eventually and how much he loves me but I am hurting and it’s affecting me I’m devastated and don’t know what to do. I know that he cares about me, but right now he’s really numb to everything. I gave him the right to make the decision of whether to be with me or walk away, and I told him I'm fine with either one (even though I'm really not ), and he decided to walk away. And he promised he wouldn’t do this but he deleted some of our pics from Instagram I just don’t get what I did to deserve that if he even said it was him not me.
I have read a lot about people getting their ex boyfriends back using no-contact and was wondering if it works because that’s all I can do right now. I started the "No contact" rule and I try to keep myself busy and do new activities and surround myself with friends, but I miss him like mad, and I just want him back in my life. What if he just forgets about me if I don’t contact him anymore?!! And I’m terrified he’s just gonna go be with other girls, he’s not really that type and said he wouldn’t but how would I know. I’m very confused and so deeply hurt and need advice. I just don’t want this to be permanent and really want him to come back.
Hi Kylie,
The fear you have about him forgetting you is quite justified as many people have the same fear. However, just like how people jump into relationships without taking time to figure out if it'll work or not, this too requires a similar mentality: having faith. I agree with your boyfriend's logic that if he isn't even happy with himself, how can he expect to make you happy? Applying the no contact rule right now would be appropriate as it would give him that space to work on himself. Give it some time before talking to him again.
Hi kylie, I have the same situation as you. And we broke up this October 2017. The first few weeks were hard. We still talked at first but he was going distant and so I didn't contact him anymore. We had a talk about how he will reach out to me when he's okay and i'm also okay but I'm not sure if I can really trust him on that. I'm also scared he might forget me and move on in the process of fixing himself. He already deleted our pictures together in IG but not on FB. I don't know why because those were good memories. And I'm really hurt by that. I'm really crushed. How long do you think before your ex boyfriend fixes himself? For me, I think it will take a minimum of 1 year before he's okay. Do you have any updates on your situation?
Honestly can you tell me that someone got back with their ex and then ended up to be with him/her forever? Are they happy. I want to know if this whole thing is even happening or it's just something to cheer us up in our times of grieve.
Hi Antonio,
I can say with confidence that we have had many cases of people getting back together following these rules but you also have to be realistic that sometimes, it doesn't work out. Ultimately when dealing with two human emotions, there are a lot of variables at play besides what you see in black and white. Having said that, our page is meant to guide people out of heartbreak and grief and to focus on personal recovery - and using that new found confidence and outlook to either try to chase their ex back, or move on, depending on where their perspective stands at.
Dear Kevin!
So my girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, because she told me that she 'doesn't like me anymore'. We are classmates and now it's really painful to see her everyday because i still love her.
I tried to let her go but i couldn't, I tried to get her back in my own way in September but it didn't work out. So i checked your page for some hope and now i'm following the plan I'm in the no contact period right now.
I feel like she stil misses me but both of us show a fake(at least i think it's fake) happy side. In September it was always me trying to engage chatting and talking so it was really one sided.
Now she doesn't even look at me nor says hi. And she doesn't let anyone close to her.
Nov 6th is her birthday and then will I make my move and start building trust/attraction again. I'm trying to accept the fact that we won't necessarily be again together, but deep in my heart i know that she is my true partner, and I'm not just missing her or feeling depressed.
I know that it look pretty hopeless I mean she would probably look for me if she would love me but I'm simply too stubborn to let my love go away.
Also she told me 2 minor reasons other than the 'love is over' reason but I could've changed. And she didn't tell me her problems, just the conclusion it's over.
Syn/Adrian
Thank you Kevin, please reply! :)
PS: We also had a short breakup in June(2 days long), but then i talked to her and we got back together again. So we had 2 breakups and I know it looks stupid to try again but yeah I'm a stubborn guy in love so you know. :)
And also sorry for my english, I'm still learning the language. :)
Hi Adrian,
You seem to have this quite figured out. Now all you need is the confidence to carry it through and remember to never be pushy even if you want to be together with her again or if you want answers. Take it step by step following what you have already planned out and when you have gained her trust again, perhaps that is when you could find out why the relationship ended and see if there are things that could be done to get back together.
Thank you for replying!
I am just kind of scared that she won't give me another chance.
And she moved over.
I started dating a childhood friend whom I have kept up with over the years. He was EVERYTHING I every wanted. We had a whirlwind two weeks of dating with him being affectionate, calling, texting, multiple times every day. We went out too. He talked about marriage. No sex. I went away to visit friends for a week and when I got home, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was floored. I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I knew him. It’s been a week and I am devastated. I sent a text saying I miss him and that was it. He won’t respond. It’s like I did something to him while I was gone... I don’t understand. He ended it before we even started. I want another shot at seeing what can happen. Is that realistic?
Hey,
Sometimes when there's intense amount of affection and passion for each other on a daily basis, people get so caught up in it that the moment it stops (even if nothing actually happened), those feelings go away. I'm sorry to be the one to say that but if you're still serious about him, try to have a talk with him and if he doesn't respond, you should focus on moving on too.
Hi Kevin, I realize this may sound plain hopeless, but here goes: I met someone online and we had a short lived affair that lasted for about one month. We’d talk on the phone every day for hours and we’d virtually exchange thoughts, jokes and bodily fluids. It was exciting, it was humorous, an emerging source of happiness and butterflies. It grew into something larger than pillow talk entertainment. The absence of physicality didn’t make me feel any less loved, or any less vulnerable. I fell in love abruptly and he admitted to the same wavelength. We admitted to a very intimate romantic connection and made a lot of plans to be together. At the time we started talking we were in different cities, but as he will be back here in one month , we decided together to meet and make it a real life story. Then we had a shitty fight after which he "removed" his desire to relationship from the equation and eventually me from his contacts list (blocked me). I don’t know how this happened. Things just took a strange turn of the screw and we discarded each other in ways that painfully contradict the whole anatomy of our infatuation.
My mind desperately spins re-reading our conversations like a broken turntable. I try to go back to the very first “Hello” but I burst into tears half way through, somewhere between a ceremonial “I promise to take care of you and respect everything that’s important to you” and an easy going “I love your morning elegance”. I know I must have hurt him, and he’s hurt me back so terribly that I backfired with much less diligence than I had in mind. People will say what they want to say. They may call me naive, reckless, missing an inch of a self esteem or spiralling slowly into a case of madness. They may suggest dangerous outcomes for my falling in obsession or magical thinking. I can be a fool. It doesn’t bother me as much as being a hermit had bothered me in the past. I am so glad to be alive. I am so grateful to feel and experience both the beauty and the misery of this story. We are both artists and perhaps too stubborn and crazy. I know very well what I felt and still feel, but it hurts for someone to take back their love like that. So, move on forever or try to actually meet this person in real life when they finally arrive back in my town? Thanks for the answer, whatever it may be :)
Hi Karen,
If you are serious about him, perhaps you could try to meet him still when he comes down to have a talk but provided you have a means to contact him. If not, then it might be best to focus on moving on since the long distance will continue to play an excruciating part of the relationship.
Thank you for the advice, Ryan. I would feel terribly sorry not to ever meet him at least. I have his phone, but don't plan to call for at least until two days before he comes here. Long distance would not be a necessary outcome, because he expressed availability to remain in my town for an undetermined time in case the relationship would have taken off (he is not location fixed). How do you think it's best to approach this? What should I say on the call in order to make this date happen?
If you're really keen to meet him, perhaps you could tell him that since he's came all the way here and despite how things turned out, you guys did talk about meeting up. So why not just fulfill that by maybe grabbing a cup of coffee nearby?
My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I was trying to follow the no contact rule but failed. My ex boyfriend and I broke up on great terms and understanding what he and I need to work on. He has responded to all of my texts calmly, sweetly and reassuringly but very straight to the point in what he wants. He wants me to gain some self confidence and learn to trust. We hung out once since we broke up and it was not awkward. We hung out for 4 hours for my birthday without hooking up. He said that maybe in time we can make things work. I am a very insecure women and I am going to start counseling to help with all of my internal battles from a past relationship. My ex and I have been together for more than two years and this is the second time we’ve broken up.
I am 31 and he is 28 but he is an old soul.
I want to know that all the reassuring that he is doing is for real and I’m not getting my hopes up. We both still tell eachother we love one another, when we text and we still think about one another. Is this false hope? Or is this the space we need to really be together again for good and be in a strong relationship?
What should I do?
Hey Miranda,
As cliche as this may sound, sometimes coming apart will allow things to come together better than before. In this case, you know your ex better than anyone else and that includes his possible intentions. If you feel deep down that he does love you and still wants to be together with you, I suggest that you take this time to actually work on your insecurities so that when you guys come back together, the relationship will be stronger than before.
Should I apply the no contact rule? Or just go with the flow in this case?
And since he was so honest in what he wants, do I date inbetween us trying to work on ourselves? Or give it some time before I even think about going out and meeting new guys?
Thank you for your advice!
Hi Miranda,
There's no set rule that you cannot date again. I first suggest you have one last honest talk with him to see where you guys stand right now. From there, if the decision is to take a break, apply the no contact rule to work on yourself. The whole point of the no contact rule is to give both parties space and to be able to see from a fresh perspective. Sometimes, if that means you're open to dating other people, then that's good. However, I won't recommend jumping into dates just for the sake of filling an empty void as that will lead to rebound relationships. It ultimately depends on what your goal is.
I spoke to him about what he wants one last time. He said he wants to be alone for awhile. He loves me and we have so much love that we can have another shot at it, as long as there is change. But he needs space and we both need to grow up. I applied the no contact rule like you stated. But he said he doesn’t want to hold me back from dating but selfishly he wants me to. He’s not interested in anyone or interested in dating around. But I’m at the point of, do I don’t date and take these 30 days for myself and work on me or do I get myself back out there. I don’t want to hurt my chances because I do love him and I can honestly see us getting back together in the future.
Hi, so me and my ex dated for about 10 months but the relationship was very intense. We were madly in love for the first period but then due to my insecurities he began to feel insecure in the relationship. I questioned him, and the relationship many times and even broke up with him unintentionally and hurt him, although the last thing I wanted was to break up. This led to him questioning me and needing space. He broke up with me about two months ago and said he needed to move on and could not handle a relationship in this period of his life (we are both juniors in college) I have waited and he has contacted me but I don’t think he plans on getting back together. I can’t seem to get over him and I want another chance but I recently told him I needed him away from my life completely and that he should not contact me anymore. We are going to talk in person tonight and I am not sure if I should tell him to stay away from me for good so I can get over him or if I should ask him for another chance. I am sure he is the love of my life and I can’t imagine my future without him, but I am also in a lot of pain since the breakup.
Hi Susana,
I hope that talk went well. What did you decide to say? Regardless, I feel that perhaps some space right now would be good as you focus on college and working on your insecurities. Even if you ask for another chance now and get back together, you would still end up at the same outcome if the insecurities have not been worked on.
Hi Kevin. Long story short is I was in a 14 year relationship with my ex husband. He split 3 years ago and I started to dating my recent ex two years ago. I dated a few inbetween my ex husband and my recent ex boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend however has never had a long term relationship. I was his longest relationship and so it was hard to go through our fights because he didn’t know what to expect or what to do at times. We had more happy times then sad. We were thinking about settling down together. He met my kids and I met his whole family.
However the catch is, I’m very insecure. I can’t trust. I am not an unattractive women and I have a lot going for me but my biggest fear is having the relationship I had with my ex husband repeated in a new relationship.
Since my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I have started therapy to learn to trust, I’ve started to go to the gym to help the confidence in myself and I’ve started pushing myself at work to get a raise. But at the end, my goal is to be with him.
We have spoken a few times since we broke up and he has mentioned that he hasn’t considered getting back together with me just yet, he loves me, thinks about me still always. He said he wants to get to a point where we can hang out without trying to hook up with one another. But he always says that’s he wants to get back together but changes need to happen in his life and in mine for us to work completely.
I just don’t want to hang on to something that might not be there or read too much into what he says to me. He is a very honest guy and majority of the time, what he says he means.
What should I do?
We’ve been broken up for 3 weeks now.
Hi Marie,
Since he wants some time to work on himself, I guess its good that you do too. It's a good sign that you know he loves you and that he wants things to change on both your parts before attempting a relationship again. Also, since you say he is an honest guy, that would probably mean he isn't saying all these just to pacify you. Perhaps apply the no contact rule to give both parties some space to figure out what they want and for some time to change to happen before trying again.
Do I date inbetween this space apart? Or do
I solely just try to work on myself and bring me back to happy state?
Hey Marie,
Definitely work on yourself and bring yourself back to a happy state. If you're ready to date during this period, I don't see why not, but don't jump into one that comes along as that'll mean you're going through a rebound relationship and not because you're genuinely interested in the person.
Hi, I've recently broke up from a 4.5 month relationship which was at times very intense. She is a single mother with a 12 year old daughter, living in a studio type place with her daughter and no privacy. She has openly admitted to a difficult childhood herself, a marriage where she moved from Russia to Estonia because of becoming pregnant and then married due to pressure from her ex's mother. That relationship ended after period of abuse and start of counselling which she has continued for a number of years since.
I myself had almost 4 years without anything serious after a 6 year relationship. Meeting her was out of the blue and at a time when I had started to think that I would not have or want my own family. I am in a good place career wise and unwittingly most likely created an imbalance in the relationship and some co-dependance by providing for her and her daughter, whether it be with new bike, clothes, a holiday, old study fees which prevented her from carrying on her studies this year and having hope of a career/future afterwards. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing to create a safe and stable environment which they seemed missing.
After a few emotional arguments, she shows many signs of someone with Border Line Personality disorder, she constantly put me down in public and on our own said I needed to be more open in my emotions. I began working on these, journaling and talking with her. But after 4.5 months of devotion from me she said she didn't feel love from me, and after that public showing at a restaurant with her daughter also present I left and have not spoken or contacted each other for the past 8 days.
Also whilst on holiday, I inadvertently checked her phone messages and she caught me, this was done because of some of the things she said during arguments and the fact I knew she was still in contact with a guy who was trying to get with her whilst we were out at a club together. I just wanted to know at the time it was nothing of threat and know I should have spoken to her but because of her wild mood swings I instead unplanned checked her phone when it was left open in front of me.
She's walked into my life and made me want to have my own family and be part of someone elses life again, I sincerely love her, not I need to know if it is worth retrying in a month or so.
Hey David, given what she has been through, having certain issues develop over the years is not uncommon. That said, it is important to note too that if you decide to get back together with her, that you have to be prepared to face whatever issues that may happen again. Perhaps right now, some space is needed for both parties and I understand that it may be difficult to show 'love' when someone is putting you down in public or showing extreme mood swings. You have to figure out if she is the right one for you.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago saying that she likes me but felt like it didn't go anywhere and that she expected commitment. I kinda understand that because I was trying so hard not to be pushy or needy and it seems that I have overdone it, but in fact I also wanted things to get more serious and I wanted commitment. For me it seemed too early to get to a conclusion of that sort since we dated for only 2 months. I was just starting to make plans on how to make things better in the future but I was maybe too late.
What do you think I should do? We haven't spoken this past week and I kinda want to tell her that things were in fact going in the right direction but still I don't want to be needy or look like I am desperate.
Thanks a lot.
Phillip.
Hey Phillip,
since it was kind of a misunderstanding on both your feelings, maybe it would be good to have an honest talk with her about it and see how she takes it. If that doesn't work because she rejects all advances at this point, perhaps give her some space first and apply the no contact rule before attempting again to talk to her.
Do you think I should tell her this now or wait a a little bit more ? Also any advice on how do I approach the contact what should I say how do I start? Even though I played it cool I am still scared to come out as a depressed needy person (stuff from the past I am not proud of). I just want an honest talk.
Given the circumstances, I'd recommend just casually bringing it up and see if she is willing to hear you out. Maybe drop her a text or a call and ask if she's free for coffee. If she says no, then it would be better to hold your thoughts and do the no contact rule first in order to give her some space for the meantime.
Hello again,
It's been a while since I've messaged here. Following this article I can say that I am feeling much better and a bit more confident about contacting my ex. I don't wanna rush it we still haven't talked but I have a sense from one of my ex's friends that she is asking about me but I am not sure. Is that a good thing or not I dont know. I show myself as a very positive guy in front of everyone and even though I miss my ex I truly am feeling better. The thing is as before I dont know how to start texting again and not look like a needy desperate guy I just wanna play it cool and even though I have an idea in mind I am scared that I would mess it up. I want her to be excited to hear from me in a while and hopefully start asking some questions herself and after a while I would bring up the break up situation but I will say that I am sorry that it haven't worked out since I wanted something serious but I am sure we will find happiness in life somewhere else. Do you think I should say that and make a move like that? Any suggestions? Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Hey Phillip,
It's great to hear that you're feeling much better! I can sense that you have a good idea about what you want and all I can say is to have some confidence in yourself when trying to follow through with your plans. If she has been asking around about you, perhaps she would be excited to hear from you too. Lastly, the 'moving on' part really depends on what your goal is - to be with her or not. If you still want her back, then it's best not bring this topic up but treat her how you would when chasing a new girl.
Sounds good! And ill definitely work on myself, but one more thing, so last time we talked she got really mad, and was like "do i need to turn into a hoe for you to realize theres no chance for us right now" so that was my wakeup call to stop, and a couple days before she unfriended me on Facebook and snapchat, but not on instagram, so she sees what i post, but she turned really cold and shes told me that she started dating other guys, but she doesnt want a relationship, just free food haha, but besides all that, a mutual friend of ours that helped us get together in the first place told me that she said shes sleeping with someone else, and that made me feel real bad and doubt all this, but i dont know what to believe, she might just have said that to push me to give us space? Its really hard to understand everything..., thank you for your advice!
Hey, well even if she is sleeping with someone else right now, you would have to accept the fact that you guys have broken up and what she does is ultimately not your business (I'm sorry to put it so bluntly) but it could also be that she is currently in the rebound phase which you could read up more on one of our articles. Regardless, right now your priority should be in recovering and improving yourself during the no contact period as a person so that when you do initiate recontact, she would be able to see you in a different light.
Hi Kevin, I am doing no contact with my ex. However, my mutual friend in the same college just tag me and my ex on facebook to have dinner together. What should I do? I didn't tell my friend I broke up with my ex and doing no contact with her so he didn't mean to "line up" us. It was just an accident move. Thanks for your reply.
Hi Samson,
If you're in the middle of no contact, perhaps you might want to give that dinner a miss for now to continue giving both parties the needed space.
Hey Kevin, so me and my girlfriend broke up about 1.5 months ago after a 2 year relationship. I'm 23 and she's 20 now, but she is so mature and confident in what she wants and hard working.I was her first true love and she cared so much about me and made future plans of getting married eventually and having kids together and all that, but the twist to this whole story is that since we started dating, I always had something pulling me back from fully commiting and showing my true love to her that i knew i had for her, for instance we were of two different religions, my parents would push me to finding a girl of our nationality and religion, her parents werent okay with me for the same reasons, and just stuff like this unconsciously didnt let me let her in my heart as much as i was supposed to. Besides all that after around 6 months of dating I got into a bad depression and that messed up with my head, but she was always there for me and tried her best and most to make me feel good. But cuting to the chase, I was slowly pushing her away and didnt realise it, until she finally broke up with me for the reason that she cant fight for the both of us and that we both need space, me to find myself and her to focus on her and she said that if eventually when i can change and mature we can start over slowly. So after the breakup I would keep texting her that im sorry and all that, and cried, overall i was just obsessed until i noticed what harm i was doing to the situation and that she just got tired of hearing and saying the same things that she would get really mad and talk in an angry tone and tell me that right now theres 0 chance of us getting back together, so I just decided to do NC in which im in 13 days, and ive decided to work hard on myself, which i am, but i just wanna know where ny chances of getting her back are right now, sorry for the long post and thanks!
Hey,
Good job getting through 13 days of NC so far. I think there's definitely still a chance for you to win her back since she seemed really supportive of you despite all the problems you had faced. Spend this time to improve yourself and gain a better understanding and composure over your emotions. If you do win her back, make sure you do not push her away this time.
Hello Kevin. I would like to know what to do if I have an memorable event which usually only happen once in a lifetime (e.g. Graduation/Funeral) that I really want to invite him to participate during no contact period. We have dated for 10 years already but we broke up twice before. We broke up again recently but I strongly believe he still love me. I want to go through the no contact period in order to keep him permanently, I don't want to repeat the "broke up cycle" in the rest of my life. What should I do? Thank you for your answer.
Hey Susan,
Good question. If you think it'll be important for him even if he was not in love with you and doesn't have any feelings for you (funeral of someone he was close to); then you should invite him. If not, for example (your graduation), then you shouldn't invite him.
Understood :) Thanks for quick answer
Hi Kevin,
I made a horrible mistake today, and I haven't been sleeping because of it. I logged onto my ex's email account. He probably received notification and changed his password. It's the beginning of week 2 of our breakup, and I feel like I messed things up because he hates people violating his privacy. Do you think I still have a shot? I really appreciate any words of wisdom you can provide me. I let emotions overpower me, and made a mistake, but I'm willing to salvage anything left.
We're 26 and have been together for almost two years.
Hi Wendi,
Since you guys have been together for 2 years, I think you definitely still have a shot. I suggest you read the article on the 5 step plan and try to follow it first using the no contact rule in order to regain a composure on your emotions before any attempt at salvaging things. Regarding the privacy issue, if he found out, I think you should just be honest about it and apologize.
Hi Kevin, my ex broke up with me about a week ago. We were together for more than a year. I’m 20 and he’s 24. He said he lost connection with me and he had wanted to try and fix it for a month but he felt like it was not enough to find that connection. The thing is I had no idea about what he thought after we actually broke up. So it was all of a sudden. He respects me a lot and he keeps an available channel to help me that if I have any questions, feel free to ask him, any questions about our relationships. He said he felt extremely guilty over the hurt that he has caused. I only texted him once after we broke up to tell my feelings and we met after that because he needed to collect his things from my place. And I have not talked to him since. So it’s been around 4 days since we last talked. We agreed to take time apart to reflect ourselves and will set 2 months as the maximum time for each other to give out the final decision. We will meet again to talk about that, not via texts or calls. So in your opinion, do you think we can get back together? The time that we were together was great. However we moved in together quickly after we dated (about 3 months). We did go out but I felt like the fact that seeing each other so much everday and did not create loads of memories has been a factor which led to our break up.
Hi Hue,
Yes I do think that there's definitely a chance of you guys getting back together but before you decide to do anything, I would suggest taking that time you've both set for yourself to also give yourself some space and improve on yourself. This might give you a clearer picture as well on whether you still have feelings for him. Do follow the 5 step plan found above for further guidance.
Hi Ryan, thank you very much for your advice. I really want to write him a hand letter as the guide mentioned. However, I'm not sure when to send it as we are going to meet up again (should I send it before we meet up or on the day we meet up?). I will give him and myself more time but I am thinking of sending the letter after a month of no contact. On the day we meet up, I just want to keep it as happy and casual as possible but not being too friendly and anything about my thoughts and feelings would be written in the letter. However, the idea we meet up is also to discuss about our past relationship so I am quite confused if I should write a letter or not. What would your advice be for this case?
This decision to meet up and discuss your relationship was decided upon before you chose to apply no contact I presume? I think you should stick through with the no contact unless absolutely necessary. The letter should be given to him at the end of the 30 days and that would be a better time to meet up with him since it has only been a week or so. I think it would be better to avoid meeting so soon.
Hi Kevin,
Just a quick question here, what about if ex contacts me to talk in the future (or other signs means ex wants me back) when I am in no contact period, should I reciprocate it?
In worse case, if ex send me "I love you please come backup" message during no contact period. Should I reciprocate it? Thanks
Hi John,
During the no contact period, it's best if you do not reciprocate her texts and even if she wants to get back together, I suggest that you take things slow to give yourself a new perspective as she may also be saying that just to avoid dealing with the pain. Ultimately if you guys get back together, you want the relationship to last and not for the cycle to repeat itself.
Hi Ryan, thanks for your reply. If I text ex after no contact period, let say I text the actual example in the other article : "Hey, I’ll be in [area near ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?". However she is not responding me, should I leave her alone and give up for further action? Thanks.
Hey John,
If she does not reply you, she may be busy or have other reasons (it's too soon). If you intend to try again another time, practice the no contact rule once more for another 2-3 weeks before trying but if she does not reply still, you should be prepared to walk away.
Thanks Ryan, what if she contact me again after I decided to walk away? I know at that time I may not in love with her anymore, but I think I can't just treat her as a stranger as we actually in relationship in the past. Thanks.
Hi John,
In cases like that, there would honestly be no correct answer for it. It would really depend on what you want to achieve out of it. You won't be able to treat her as a stranger, but you may not be able to treat her merely as a friend either. End of the day, I think it's about being fair to both yourself and her.
hi I dated someone briefly and intensely for 1.5 months and we had a big misunderstanding 9/23. I waited 24 days to reach out since our relationship was not
that long and wrote sent out a text light in nature. he replied within 5 minutes to tell me that he already met someone new and has moved on. this is a man who told me he has not been intimate with anyone for one year and I was the first to come along that tugged his heart strings and that he was truly interested in. how could he have moved on so fast? even if it is a rebound, our history was not long enough in comparison to the many other situations on here. help! I feel like I am in a rock and a hard spot. I truly feel so deeply for him and am heartbroken after reading his message yesterday.
Hi Evie,
I feel that you should give yourself some space to breathe right now due to the intensity you may be feeling. If he has truly found someone new, I suggest that you try your best to recover and move on from there. However, if you do see any chance of getting back together with him, it's best you follow the 5 step plan and make a decision again after.
Hey, so my girlfriend broke up with me officially 6 days ago... everyone in the world says this but i know in my heart and soul she is the one for me...my grieving process has taken a huge toll on me as well. We were together for almost 2 years and the first year was wonderful. Once she decided to initiate the break-up, she told me it was due to my lack of attention and constant inability to change to the talks we were having. I was truly blind thinking she would never leave me and some depression i have has seriously hindered my ability to communicate with her properly enough to the point that she decided to break up with me. Once the heartbreak was in my face, was my absolute moment of realization of how ignorant i actually was to the situation and i know I'm not the person i became that second year. This entire situation has caused a snap within myself to understand the changes i made and needed to make, almost a "miracle" of sorts, however she has no belief that i do indeed still love her. She made mention of wanting to stay friends because she does still care about me as a person and the NC rule just cant apply right now because she has nowhere else to live and i of course will not make her homeless. I absolutely love this woman and always have even though my actions have showed her otherwise and i want nothing more than to have her in my life for a multitude of reasons. She is even still wearing the promise ring i got her after our first year. When i made gentle questioning about reconciliation, she told me she was just so angry at me because of what i did and so confused about what to do. That was 6 days ago. I want nothing more than for her to know i really do love her and want her in my life and despite not being able to initiate no contact, i wanted to ask if you think there is any chance at all she will want me back? She has recently started talking with other men which of course bothers me, but i know there's nothing i can do about it and i bite my tongue and say nothing despite my jealousy...can i ever get her back???
Hey Joe,
Based on the situation, it would seem that the best thing you can do right now is to show her with your actions that you are willing to change and not just words. I think you would be able to get her back if you prove to her that you are able to change and help her re-gain her trust in you.
Hi Kevin:
Your blog is really helpful perhaps u can help me too :)
Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago, the reason was very upsetting actually.... we were in a relationship for more than 1.5 years, he has always been secretive about himself, i thought he loved me but i think he was passing his time with me, to cut it short he lied to me almost about everything, he promised to marry me but when the time came to meet my elders he pretended to be ill n said he was diagnosed with leukemia, as he was a doctor he showed me his fake medical report which i verified later, he flew to uk telling me he was going for a treatment, he never disclosed his residential address, still i was stupid enough to trust him blindly, that was my mistake i admit it. when i came to know abt his lies i Confronted him through sms, all he had to say was " forgive me what i did" and he blocked me from all social contacting sites... i was sooooo miserable n even now i am, because it was my very first relationship, im 32 years old but this was the first time i loved someone.... last month he wished me a birthday through some fake fb account pretending to be someone else, i knew it was him n i confronted him again,he kept silent n didn't bother to reply....i wondered why he text me on fb when he abandoned me for no reason, i knew he was a flirt but still i gave him my 100%... i used to caught his lies, his contacts with other women, although he never let me touch his fone, he has been suspicious, which damaged our relationship.... i have a question if he never loved me or never wanted to marry me then why did he spend one and a half year with me? and now after breaking up why he wished me a birthday in disguise?? although he has blocked my messages from every possible source.... need ur expert advise Kevin.... Thx
Hi Selena,
If he was willing to go through such extreme measures to lie to you, perhaps you should be honest to yourself and consider if you really want him back. It may not be a nice thing to hear, but even if he does have feelings for you, is someone who keeps everything a secret a person you want to have a future with?
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me flirting with other girls on several occasions as play keyboard in the weekends. That drove her mad and killed the love we had for 3 years. So I tried to ease her pain and tried to regain her trust but it was to late. As days and weeks past by she developed like a hate for me and I felt that was because she was talking with a 3rd person. But i was still in the picture but i was n't begging i tried to develop a friendship with her because i wasn't begging anymore and we had no problem talking and caring for each other she have a lot going on also her college so i tried to give her space and support. But occasionally she would begin a fight about my flirting and hurting her and that her trust couldn't be restored and I was always ending up comforting her with sorries and One day she told me she was talking with some one that she liked. So i decided then to tell her i would not contact her anymore. After 3 weeks of no contacting(no social/no whatssap whatsoever) she msg a angry(jealous) message telling me that she hated me and that she is seeing another guy and that she doesn't miss me anymore. But I knew on that moment that her goals was to hurt me so I tried to stay calmed and tell her how sorry i was and she would try to let go of these evil thoughts about me. She was spying on my i.g. and couldn't bare seeing other girls liking my photos. But the truth is I love her till death and would like to gain her trust again and be with her. What should I do? she is still hurt and she is always repeating that she would never take me back!
Hi John,
For starters, if you really want her back, follow through with the no contact rule and limit the flirting with other people. If you really do love her and this is what she is insecure about, it is something you will have to change. She may be currently feeling angry and that's why you have to give her some breathing room, however you shouldn't always be apologizing especially if you haven't done anything wrong since the incident.
Hi Kevin,
I would like to ask if I had a chance to come back with my ex. He broke up with me last week out of the blue and his reason was lost of connection. We’d been together for over a year and I know that I still have feelings for him. Our time together had been great. However, we moved in together quickly after we dated. He treated me very well but then one day he decided to break up with me because he said he thought about losing connection and tried to fix it by himself for about a month but it didnt work. He said it had nothing to do with physical attraction or the way I treated him. I have read your advices and today is my 3rd day of NC. We met last week after we broke up because he needed to collect his things from my place. He talked a little bit and he said feel free to ask him if I have any questions I have in mind. I havent talked to him since the last day we met. Looking forward to seeing your response! Thank you.
Hi Ann,
In this situation, follow through with the no contact rule and at the end of the period, attempt at re-contacting with your ex if you still want to be together with him. This gives both of you some space and be able to see things and reach out from a fresher perspective. If you do re-contact with him and get succeed in getting back together, make sure you have an honest talk with him about not trying to fix everything himself. A relationship is ultimately a partnership and no one party should attempt anything by themselves.
Hi kevin, my ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago, we had been in a 5 years relationship. We did fight almost 1-2 times for month lately and most of the times started by me because i felt that i was giving too much and he didnt make the effort so that frustrated me and made me been irritable many times. So we got in a fight and he told me that he loved me but wasnt happy and the felt that the relationship was patologic; i cried and ask him to give us the chance to try make things Work but he refused. So since that day, 3 weeks ago i havnt call or text him; neither has he.
Will we have a chance of getting back? I not sure what i should do
Hey Jenni,
You were together for a long time. You definitely have a chance. But before contacting him, you must make some changes in yourself.
So I'm 2 weeks into no contact, she has sent me a few messages but I'm going strong and not replying. Recently I had to change phone providers and my phone number changed as well. Do I tell her my number changed or do I continue until it's over and I'm ready to reach out? At this point she has no way to contact me and I can't receive and possibilities of her reaching out.
Hey Jeff,
You can tell her when you end no contact.
Thanks man, quick follow up. How do you think that will change the re contact message?
Just add the fact that you recently changed your number. Nothing more. If she tried contacting you, she will understand why you didn't receive the texts.
hi kevin, my partner and i have been together 3.5 years engaged for 2.5 years, he has a child now 15 (boy) who decides 8 months into our relationship he hates my guts..... its been a struggle these last few years and we have ended due to this child......
thing is we both love each other alot and have a great relationship.... im in the no contact stage as i need to figure out what i want so really pleased i stumbled upon your sight...... do you think i can get my man back !
Hey Emily,
You can get him back, but unless you figure out a way for the child to like you, it will still be an uphill battle. But if you think he is worth it; it's definitely worth trying. There is a chance it will work if you give him (and his child) a little bit of space and slowly get back to speaking with each other again.
thanks kevin, this could be difficult as i have no idea why his child dislikes me so much, i guess that is why our relationship ended due to not understanding how our relationship could move forward without knowing how to fix things..... i know my ex loves me but just doesnt know how to deal with it all.....
Sometimes children and teenagers reject change and especially when in their teenage years, can possible rebel against someone they see as a threat (due to change). It's not something easy to deal with as a single parent, because in most cases, their child still would come as the first priority while the relationship second.
Hey Kevin, I am currently in 4 days of NC. Actually, we haven't broken up yet. He is in another relationship for 7 months while in relationship with me for 7 years. Yes, he betrayed me due to my faults. In his last contact, he told me to focus on my exam as my final year exam is too close and he promised he won't let me wait for a long time.I'm now studying and doing NC, too. But I'm afraid something. By doing NC, can we be far more and more ? Can his new relationship be more stronger and closer as they are working together at the same company ? His friend told me to send message sometimes to be keep in touch with him. I really don't know what to do next. Please kindly advice me. Thank you !
Hi Khai,
I recommend you break up with him instead of letting him disrespect you and keep you as a backup. If you want him to be with you out of respect; it's crucial you do this. Once you have broken up with him, I want you to do no contact for at least two months before contacting him.
Hey Kevin,
We really used to love each other and we had fights before also.
But this time it was nasty.
All I can say that she wasn't performing well at work.
I went to her office
Her boss said she isn't do well because of my torture.
You should leave her alone.
The only line she said to me was I should focus on my career only.
Off course she said It's over.
In desperation I called her mom
But didn't said anything about us.
She call back and abused me
And said they will take me back home and I will loose my career.
I will follow ever step that u have mentioned.
Still need to know
If I can earn her back.
Guidance please.
Regards
Anil p
Hey Anil,
There is a chance. Just follow the plan above and work on yourself.
What if your ex has already moved on with another lady
Here's an article telling you what to do if he has moved on to a new lady.
Hi Kevin. My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago out of the blue. We've been friends for three years, and got back together around two months ago. We were long distance, with the plan for me to move to where he lives and us to get an apartment together. Everything was perfect and wonderful, both while we were friends, and during the brief period that we dated, but then he started to pull away, and suddenly he picked a silly fight with me and told me to move on. I've tried contacting him, and I made a couple of mistakes you listed (like acting a little crazy and needy...) and he hasn't returned any of my texts. I'm not sure if I should move on, or wait it out and follow your plan. I don't understand why he did this to me, and honestly it broke my heart. I suspect it might be another woman, or maybe he got scared of the commitment, and overwhelmed by his new job. Thank you!
Hey Rakaia,
Start with no contact. Only you can decide if he is worth trying to get back with. If by the end of no contact, you feel like he is not worth it, then move on.
I want thank about all your advice and i wish to be good doing this steps ,, but i want to give you some details about my ex first we have been in relationship for seven years then he found another girl and love her soo much then we brokeup i stood alone 1 year then i go in a rebound relationship but i never forget my only love and don’t feel great in my relationship because i was always want to talk my ex ,, then i broukup after 10 month,, in those months i talke to my first love about 5 times and he breakup but he say her ex was a real love ,,,,,, after this all i call him after my breakup and i show him how much i love him but he says he afraid of being with me again and i meet him and saw the love in her eyes ,,,, finally did you see your steps will be effective now ! Or it’s too late ??!!! Please answer me :D and forgive my bad english iam from sudia
Hey Raghda,
I can't say for sure. But if you love him and think he is worth it, you should try getting him back. If it doesn't work, you will know you tried your best and you can move on.
Hi Kevin
She broke up with me last Sunday over skype after 2.7 years, only started going bad this past few months. We had been doing long distance for over 1.5 years seeing each other every month at least. I have not messaged her since she skyped to break up with me saying she was not happy anymore and we ended amicable. I know she's the one though should I message her asking if she regrets it since I've not spoken to her at all yet since or continue no contact for 30 days?
Continue no contact.
Hey Kevin, I messed up and was texting a girl from few weeks ago late night while she was out of town. I never followed through nor have ever been a cheater, stupidly I regret it. Obviously she went through my texts and saw that one as the catastrophe happened. This led to over analyzing every other text with platonic relationships I have with co workers and female friends.
I know I was wrong and to her I’ve been deceitful during the entire time as she has less if any trust for me. Trust is something she emphasized when dating and after that’s her big thing, as with many.
We had a little text battle of going back and forth The first two days, “how could...” “I’m sorry... I was being stupid...I didn’t act on it ...etc”. Then the 3rd day we talked on the phone more less the same as texting, as everything was calm- yes tears br nothing was ever hateful nor yelling.
We live separate as she has a chunk of my belongings at her place. She has family coming to town this weekend and on the phone advised she wouldn’t be able to have us meet/ me grab my stuff.
Just curious how should I go back and make this thing work itself out, if possible.
Hey Nick,
Here's an article on what to do if you cheated.
Hello Kevin, before I begin. I must admit I really messed up and acted childishly, she was giving attitude anytime I call her and she hardly calls or return my calls so I felt she's seeing someone so I asked her on several occasions which she told me there's no one but she broke up with her ex just to be with me so I sometimes feel she will do same to me. As she kept on with the attitude, I got bored and threaten to leak her naked pictures which I was just joking because there's no way I can do that. So she had to go through emotional pain and she opted for a break but trust me, there was no way I could have done that because I love her so much Kevin. She promised never and ever to get back to me again. I need advice please. Thank you
Hey Amoako,
Just follow the plan above. Do no contact. And then contact her using one of the texts in this article. I recommend you start with an apology.
Hey,
We were together for just a little less than two years. We had so much chemistry and we worked great as a team - everyone around us saw that. He's been under a lot of stress lately and we had a small fight that lead to a break up. We've had bigger fights in the past but we both grew from it and learned from it. Is this all just because of the stress he's going through? I asked for a 'cool down' or a break but he said he didn't want 'us' anymore. I asked if he would give us another chance in the future but he said 'no'. Just the day before, he was telling me how much he loved me.
I think the no contact is interesting but he's in all my classes and we're working very closely on a project. I've read the 'no contact rule at work and events' but seeing him being okay really sucks. How can I get more space?
Hi Kat,
If there is no way to get space from him because of the project, you will just have to endure. Although, if you two had any kind of meaningful relationship, I can guarantee you that he is not just "okay". He is putting up an act because he is angry and he wants you to feel bad. The best way to respond to his act is by keeping your head held high and if you both ever talk about the breakup or relationship, be honest about how you feel (that it's hard and you are healing) instead of playing into his game and try to show him that you are okay as well.
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago because of long distance we still talk time to time and the during the no contact phase she showed signs that she was missing me posting songs about missing an ex ect.. When she contacted me firstshe did it for a couple of days and pulled away showing hot and cold mixed messages. Is There a chance that I can still get her back since I'm moving back to where she loves since I got a job offer there?
Hey Brandon,
That's great. You should contact her when you reach there. Until then, it's better to do no contact.
Hi,he broke up with me last Monday because he was tired of everything, he told me that he loved me but he cant take it anymore, he feels like he is the only one interested in this relationship,and he told me that i didn't care about him, he feels like he annoyed me,and when he show his feeling and then he kissed me, i pushed him away because i was shy when we do that in front of other people.And when we were still in high school, my mom didn't allow me to date him, she told me that we could date after i go to university, i am now a freshmen, and he once told me to talk to my mom about our relationship but i was shy so i didnt talk to my mom. He was pissed because he is tired of sneaky when we hung out all the time, he told me that he feels like he isnt good enough for me, he want me to move on, he told me that he loved me , he missed me but he want to be alone. I agreed but i missed him so i contacted him the next day, we talked like nothing happen and then he refused to talk to me. Then yesterday, i inboxed him, i begged him to come back, i swear that i would change , he refused and told me "dont inbox me , wont reply" and then i cried , i inboxed him and told him my feelings, and i told that "i wont annoyed you anymore, goodbye , i hope that we would never see each other again" so i stop contacting him. But he followed me on instagram , so he saw everything that i post. Should i block him, so that he would feel like i have disapeared from his life? I miss him, i started to go to the gym and i feel great, but i want him back. What should i do when he willing to not come back with me? Thank you so much
Hi,
There is no need to block him. You should do that only if he is contacting you relentlessly. For now, just do no contact and focus on healing yourself. Don't focus on what he is feeling and definitely don't focus on how you can manipulate them.
Hey Kevin,
Love your program and advice. Just started no contact after my partner broke it off with me a week ago. I was a real emotional mess on the phone and haven’t spoken since. No text or emails or anything. It’s hard but I’m keeping strong. She is a corporate manager and has huge workload at present and very responsible demand. She says she needs to focus on work and has nothing more to give everyone right now and needs to unplug. Her mum is battling cancer also which weighs heavily. I don’t use Facebook and today I get a text to return one of her items (daughters car service book) as I did a huge amount of work on it for them both, and if she can post me my stuff from her place. Problem it’s more than postage as a few larger effects (pillow books and equipment) other than just shaver toothbrushes etc. she has minimal stuff here at my place only cosmetics and stuff. I have stuff to give her that she bought me from an overseas visit as souvenir and other stuff like after shave etc. I really love her and she is the best relationship I’ve had (8 months) this is my third real serious relationship. We’re both in late 40,s. do I ignore all contact or even after one text tell her to give me time right now and I’ll contact her? Any help is appreciated as I’m stuck on this one. I’m going to buy the program online now. Hopefully I get an answer soon from you. Cheers.
Hey Brendan,
If it's something important and cannot wait, you can return it to her. Although, it might be a better idea to return it via a mutual friend or an acquaintance. If there is no workaround, you can meet her and return the item. But when you meet her, keep it casual and as short as possible. If the breakup comes up, be honest that you are still healing.
Hi so I was friends with my boyfriends for 3 years then dated for 8 months and he broke up with me last month because he didn't want a girlfriend and that he was to busy for one and it wouldn't be fair to me but that we should still talk and just not have a label. So it was like we were dating still but didn't see each other as much. Then last week when we hung out he said that I was his and that he was only talking to me and didn't want to talk to any other girls and then the next day someone told me that he was talking to someone else I asked him if it was true and he said no it was only me. Then a couple days later I called him and asked him what he did that night and he told me he spent the night sleeping. Then a couple hours later he told me that he moved on from me and when I kept asking him if there was another girl he said yes and told me he didn't spend the night sleeping he was with her then stopped answering me completely. We haven't talked in a couple days and this girl is in college far away from us and she's known for being a slut. But he told me he really likes her. Should I try the no contact thing and see what happens? I'm really confused because I want to be with him
Yes, you should do no contact. I'll recommend at least two months of no contact. I also want you to read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the above article. Don't end no contact until you have done each item in the checklist.
Hello Kevin,what If My Ex Shows Up Suddenly At My Door Step Smiling And Al That During The No Contact Period,what Should Be My Reaction To Him?
Tell him that you need some space and time and you don't want to see or speak to him for a while. If he insists on speaking, listen to what he has to say and then again repeat that you need space and time.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up about 5 days ago with my bf, whom I was dating for 4 months. And I know that during that relationship I didn't give my all because I wasn't sure of my feelings ( I tried to end it after 3 weeks, but he wouldn't give up). Because of my past relationships, I was very guarded. So I wasn't opening up to him, I sometimes was mean, didn't appreciate him just because I didn't want him to fall in love with me. So he fell out of love with me and broke up. Now that I see my mistakes, I would like to give it another chance and see how it would go and give each other a fair shot of really trying to work this out.
We had a conversation sunday, and it ended really well. I was more open during that whole conversation than I ever was during the relationship. We left on a positive vibe, both accepting the break up and we're still going for dinner in a exclusive restaurant that is really hard to make reservations for (we're going the 30th october).
So I have two problems: 1) i would like to text him and say that: Though I didn't really always showed it, that he means a lot to me. And that I know it's to late now, but I just wanted him to know that. And that I look forward to going to the restaurant. Then I would go no contact. And thus my second problem 2) No contact should at least be 30 days, but since we have made that reservation in about 20 days do you think it is harmful for the reconciliation?
Hi Flower,
1) There is no harm in telling him that as long as you are not saying it out of neediness or desperation. It's actually a pretty good way of letting him know that you understand the mistakes.
2) 30 days is not written in stone. In your case, I think it will be okay to end it after 20 days.
Hello, Kevin. thanks for your all articles. It really helpful and relieving me.
I had broke up 2 month ago, because my ex girlfriend felt lassitude of our relationship.
And also she need her own time.I was quite a shocked.and didn't said anything but ok. I asked her for reconsider after 10days of break up. but she said there are no reverse of her decision. I had no contact after that. but still waiting her.
there were no argument in our relationship. We were in good mood. I can't believe this situation happened. still...
do you think I should contact and meet her in a month? I'm worry about she forget me.
thank you for read this. (from south korea)
we met for 3 years.
Hi Jay,
Yes, you should do no contact and follow the plan. When you end no contact, don't ask her to get back together immediately. Rebuild attraction and connection slowly. I wrote an article on how to do so via text messages here.
I was dating a man for 4 months and I was really into him. Unfortunately 4 months earlier he had just gotten out of a long (7 yr) toxic relationship. In the back of my mind I knew he wasn't ready to jump into another relationship, but I really liked him and was hoping he would have a change of heart. We saw each other once a week and we got along really well. But everytime we would get close he would pull back a little. 2 weeks ago after some cold behavior he ended things stating that he was having some personal problems and he wasn't ready for a commitment. As much as I care about him and as hard as it is for me I have gone no contact. It has been almost a week and it's not easy. Do you think I have a chance at another shot when he sorts out his feelings and attachment to his ex? Will no contact work in a situation like this? I know it will help me heal but I eventually want another chance with him.
Hi Joanne,
It's very hard to know if/when he will sort out his feelings for his ex. In my opinion, you should keep your hopes in check. If you think he is worth it, you should try again after at least a couple of months.
Hi my ex broke up with me in December last year. We were together 18 months. He is in constant touch through texts and Ive tried the no contact and only managed 21 days. He came back. Lately he texts all the time and we have seen each other briefly a month or so ago. Does he still love me, I want him back but not sure he is just keeping me hanging on to stop me moving on. I cant imagine my life without him.
Hi Georgia,
If you can't imagine your life without him, then you should resume no contact. If he contacts you again, tell him you need some space and time to heal from the breakup and you will appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while.
You should contact him again, when you can imagine your life without him. This way, he won't have so much power over you and you will be able to make better decisions.
Hi, I followed your plan and it worked!
I just took him out 2 days ago on a first date after we stopped seeing each other for 1.5months, we ended up at his place at one point and he wanted to have sex. But I stopped him and said that we're friends now and this is not what friends do. He agreed and we didn't have sex, I went home that night :) However I still tried to show him my desire for him through subtle actions. It's been 2 days already, and I haven't received any message from him after we said goodbye.
So, my question are:
- How long should I wait to text him?
- How long should I wait to ask him out again?
- I'm still attractive to him, should we have sex next time? I'm afraid that this is gonna turn into the "Friend with benefits" relationship instead of the romantic one. And that is the last thing I want to happen
Thanks :)
Hi Billie,
Text him again today or tomorrow. If his response is positive, ask him out again in a week or two. I won't recommend having sex with him until you feel a strong emotional connection with him. Ideally, you want to talk about getting back together before you sleep with him.
This is a wonder website with a wealth of information.
I knew this guy back in 1979, reconnected on Facebook. He expressed his love for me over that time period.
My intentions once I found him was not for a relationship, he is somewhat handicapped. With me I was reading to much in his messages, I would get up set about the smallest things, he was acting different one day and I did not know what was going on , I blew up and said some pretty nasty things that I really hated so said, he forgave me. I was working on my attitude and I guess he was just tired, he blocked me on Facebook and I did not know what was going on things were headed in the right direction and I think he was tired. He used to block me on his Facebook page, he does not do that now, he won’t take my pictures down and I am the only one there who is not family.
I writes him all day and everyday. Your 30 day will help me, not sure about the relationship, because he had something going on as well. But I am not 100 percent sure. Will your plan help me with him? I know it will be great for me.
Thanks,
Jewell
We don’t live in the same state.
Hi Jewell,
Yes, it will help giving each other some space. Good luck. Read this article about contacting him when you are ready.
Hi Kevin, so our breakup was sort off mutual... We dated for 10years and both went wondering, if you know what I mean. I decided to tell him about is as the other guy was blackmailing me and I couldn't keep it to myself no more. It broke me as I knew what was going to happen and he would be sohonest hurt. About two weeks after this we broke up, I moved out etc. We did not contact one another for 6 months...We are chatting now, made the mistake to be intimate with him. He has a much younger friend (lady) that he is not really open about. He constantly says we are rekindling our relationship but doesn't want to label it as he says he needs time. I am starting to loose hope and I am irritated with my insecurities regarding this other girl. He constantly says they are just friends. It seems that when we are together he pulls me closer and over texts pushes me away. He also recently stated that he doesn't want to sleep with me every time we are together. Last night he came over for dinner, we ate then accidentally fell asleep. I am so confused and just want to know what to do. In the time apart I have realised what I did wrong and I feel excited to improve these mistakes. I battle to get a hold on my emotions sometimes. Something else as well, he doesn't tell anyone we are chatting? Doesn't really want to go out...although it was his birthday not so long ago...he went away but I called tothe say, happy birthday at midnight..before that he constantly messaged me saying "he misses me". Also another thing, not sure what to make of this phrase.."I've got love for you enough to make you my wife and the mother of my child" is this just empty words? If I don't contact him during the day he'll ask me what's up as I am very quiet. He also stated that I've changed and he likes it as I am more confident etc. However I feel like I'm losing it, why would he say that but state he wants to go into 2018 single. Please can you shed some light?
Hey Annie,
If it's taking a toll on your emotional and mental health, you should lay your cards out on the table. Tell him that this is too much for you emotionally and if he wants to give it a try, there are some boundaries he should follow. For example, don't sleep with him until you are both back together.
You don't want to stay in limbo forever. You need to know that you are moving forward. If he wants to give it a try, he should make an effort to address whatever is stopping him from moving forward. If he doesn't make an effort to progress; you should be willing to let him go and move on. Unless you are willing to walk away, he will have no incentive to commit.
Kevin I went through the no contact period. I got about day 10 of the texting plan. and it was going pretty well. I was out and she met up with me, she was winding me up about dating someone, to cut a long story short, she dumbed me for being younger than her, but then i find out she's dating a 22 year old (a few years younger than us both) and I just lost it, probably didn't help that I was drunk.
Do you recommend starting the no contact period again? if so thats fine I didn't find it difficult the first time round.
Yeah, you should start no contact again.
After reading your rebound article it does seem to have the same sort of similarities as you suggest in it, however because of my reaction I'm guessing this is going to push her towards him more? if they do keep speaking they will have been seeing each other for quite awhile by the point I've finished no contact, I take it the chances of me actually pulling this off now will most likely be pretty slim, would you agree? also the elephant in the room text, do you send that on the final day of no contact?
Hey Sam,
Actually, the more they speak to each other, the more they will realize that their connection is shallow because your ex is not ready for a serious relationship yet. There is no way to know for sure how much chance you have. But if I have to guess, I'll say you still have a decent chance of this working if you follow the plan.
Thanks Kevin much appreciated
Kevin think I'd go as far to say you're a genius. I could do with some more advice though please. Last night I'm on a night out, I see my Ex and her friends, I played it cool and just enjoyed myself, however my Ex was hating on me, her friends were constantly trying to speak to me because they like me, and i could tell that was annoying her. So it turns out that her and this 'rebound guy' hadn't worked, apparently he was acting like a d**k (you were completely right on that one). anyway I'm a week off starting no contact, last night my ex messages me after the night out saying 'never speak to me again i hate you' i chose to ignore the message because I could tell she was just raging at me. she then ended up calling me and I just played it cool and took the elephant in the room approach, it seemed to work really well. my question to you is though is, where do I go from here? do I start the messaging stage now?
Hey Sam,
Great job playing it cool. I'd say give her a week of limited contact (only talk if she initiates) and then slowly start rebuilding attraction and connection through texts, phone calls and an eventual date.
Hi Kevin! Great article! I plan to follow it to a T!
However, i have one question, where you say that you should NOT message them or reply to their messages in the no contact period..
if the event does occour where they message you during this period,and if i follow your advice to not reply untill i feel right doing so
, what do i reply with when they inevitably ask me why i didnt reply that whole time? i feel silly saying "i was doing my 30 days no contact"beause then it makes it seem like i was obsessing over getting over them...
hope this makes sence
You can reply to them when they text you first. Just tell them you need some space and time to deal with the breakup before you can speak to them comfortably.
Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago and when ever I call her she is getting irritated with me?... I spoke very bad with her so please guide me what I should do now?
The article above is actually a guide on what you should do now.
He broke up with me a week ago, but before that he tried to ask for some space for a while. Now, he said that he is attracted with someone else. Someone who has these traits that I dont have. I called him from his work and he said, right now, he doesn't want us to be together anymore and he likes this other girl. I also called the girl, she said that they've cut the ties between them but it is her who's my ex want now and not me. What should I do?
Follow the plan.
I'll tell you now. Every single word of this site is 100 % correct.
No girl ever goes back to a cry baby but everyone forgets their ex's weakness with time ad remembers the real them.
I cried and begged to get her back for 6 months, but as soon as I gave up and moved on and became once again, the boy she fell in love with in the first place, she chased me.
We've now been married ten years.
Believe me, I made every mistake described above.
I was first guy she slept with and was sure I'd never see her again.
Every day of that 6 month was hell.
If you're the one being left. Tell them you'll miss them forever and then never call them again.
I was told that by a clever pal, every day for 6 months but ignored and got to the stage when my (now wife and at the time girlfiend of 5 years) started to hate me.
2 months later she found out I was happy with someone else and she took me down and told me she loved me.
This is not shallow, its part of growing up. Realising you are with the right one.
Be strong. Never call them.
They left you. Pity will never win them back.
Hey John,
Thank you for your comment. It's great to hear from someone who has reconciled and has been with his ex for 10 years.
i'm hoping my ex takes me back even after the rough time we had before we broke up...
i am going to do whatever it takes to get her back, thanks for all the information...
This is my 4th message to you. I send last two weeks ago but no reply from you. I hope to get message this time because I really need advise right now on how to get my ex back.
It has been 7 weeks since my ex and I broke up. We are only connected in social media.....we became friends and then decided to move forward to a serious relationship. Our first meet up suppose to be was on May this year but our plan didn't happen. I broke up with him. I am totally fed up about whats happening to him and all the issues about him. I told him not to send message to me because during that time I want peace of mind. Then He said OK. We are still connected in social media but we don't send messages for each other. But what kills me is seeing him active in messenger and other app very late at night....What keeps a man stay long in social media? Maybe he already find someone. It freaks me out because I want him back. Should I send first to him (ITS IN THE 4TH AND 5TH STEP) even I told him not to contact me? But last week I received a call from him in IMO but he said he accidentally press the call button and said sorry. Then I told him its ok and wish him Happy Birthday because the following day was his birthday. Then he said Thank you. I didn't reply after that. Should I start the conversation even all problem between us were all about his issues? I really need your expertise on this. Please send me reply.
Hey Catherine,
You should do no contact. If you are finished with no contact, contact him.
Hi Kevin I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago I will follow what you said and when the 30 days are over do I message him first or wait for him to message me and also these 30 days are so hard to not text him. Please do email me
Hey,
Read the 4th step. If you are ready to end no contact, then you can contact him.
Kevin,
Me and my ex has been broken up for a month now. He is now seeing another guy. I know this is not a rebound relationship because he really likes this guy. My ex is 27 and his new person he is dating is 20 but they both work together and my Ex is his boss. Again, my ex has blocked me from everything and has told me over and over again to move forward and that this is done. We were together for 5 months. What do I do to win him back? Is it too late?
Hey..i have this guy i really liked..still do but its a distant relationship..we kept quiet fr a while because at some point he said i had made him distant..yet all i did was care..called him all the time before that..i texted him and yet he never did all tht..he z kind of a workaholic so he always pushed me to do something..many times i failed coz i didn't know where to strt frm..he always was abt work..and at some point he complained how i always wanted to meet..did tht coz he was never around..time came n he said i made him distant..asked him how i did tht..he never replied..so decided to go with the no contact rule...the 30 days got done..when i contacted him, he replied..but itd always me asking questions and talking..he never asks but replies all ma qns..he always waitd fr me to ask then he replies like before..he z not in the country so that's kinda hard..what should i do? Does he still care?
Kevin,
It has been 3 weeks since me and my ex broke up. He is all what I think about and I called him several times through *67 since he blocked me on everything still. Do I have to start the 30 day no contact rule again? I'm so lost. Please advice. This post is from the same Matt a couple post above by the way. Thanks!
Hey Kevin,
Loved your article!
I broke up with my ex nearly 2 years ago and now I'm questioning if it was the right decision. He's just about started talking to someone he might end up dating ....
Do you think the 5 step plan might be worth a shot given all the time that has passed ?
Thanks !
Yes, it might be.
Hey Kevin, I would like to ask you a simple question. When in the process is best to ask for my belongings? It has been for weeks since we broke up and I´ve contacted him only once since. He sent me a message this week but nothing special. Only that I got an letter from health insurance at his pace and what it sayes. Can I just start conversation and ask him what shall we do with my things?
Hey Bára,
If the things are important for you and you need them urgently, then you should speak to him about it. If not, then you can leave them for now while you are doing no contact.
Hi kevin.
Me and my girlfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago and i made all those mistake i became needy desperate and miserable and begged her i kinda regret it after reading ur post.... what should i do now?
P.s we are already on no contact thing from both sides nor im texting or
Calling her neither and i have blocked her everywhere except whatsapp and i have uploaded many sad statuses during no contact is it a bad thing?
Follow the plan Abdul.
Hey Kevin,
I'm reading your website and I'm really tempted to send something to my ex girl right now (after 2 months). If my English sounds off, don't be harsh it's a Belgian dude here. I think your website is very usefull, but I'm doubting it will be usefull for my case... The thing is, my ex-girl is halve Egyptian and halve Dutch and born in France (mixture of everything almost ?). She is also Muslim and I'm a full fletchet Atheïst, I still didn't give a damn. Love should be above religion, ethnicity,... everything you see. But (now comes it) she was/is daddy's little girl... In our year and 3 month relation she didn't tell her dad out of fear for his reaction. A few weeks before the break-up, her aunt in Egypt liked a photo of us 2 in Facebook. But she didn't tell her dad yet aswell... That aunt is her dads sister, in case you didn't see the plot. Anyways, I think she might have closed because of that Like on Facebook... I really have no idea on how to handle this right now, and make her tell her dad about the relationship.
Hey Yannick,
It's always more complicated when religion is involved. I think you should be realistic that it won't work. If you have not done no contact till now, do it and give her some space to think about everything and miss you. After that, contact her and lay your cards on the table.
I think a good approach will be to tell her that you refuse to stay with her if she is hiding you from her dad. Tell her that she should tell him in a calm way and if he does not agree with this relationship (despite seeing that it makes his daughter happy) and she doesn't want to go against her father, then you should both break it off for good.
Hey !! I just loved your blog!! But i was thinking that if i tell him that i have accepted the breakup and moved on..will it really work because that's what he wanted when i used to plead him all the time to come back?
No one can guarantee it will work. But you have a better chance of getting him back if you are coming from a place of confidence instead of neediness.
Hi Kevin,
Registered on you website a d went through test twice ... Did not receive any email. Please help
Hi Kunal,
Did you check your spam/junk folder?
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I broke up exactly three weeks ago. We had dated very seriously for almost 8 months. We had even discussed marriage and our lives together in the future. I'm feeling confident in myself and happy but I still miss her and want her back. I'm worried that if I wait too long, she will move on to someone else. I've been doing a lot of things to change my life including working out, working on selling my car, changing my career, not playing video games, etc. Would it be okay if I ran into her this upcoming Sunday instead of waiting the full month? She broke up with me and removed me from ALL social media platforms, so I know she is trying to move on. I guess my biggest question is, how do I not know she won't move on? How do I know that I'm not waiting TOO LONG for the No Contact Period.
Hey Darby,
There is no way to know for sure. But in my experience with helping thousands of readers personally I have realized that most people don't move on so quickly. And even if it feels like she is moving on, there will always be a part of her that will love you so you will still have a chance if you make the right moves.
Hi Kevin,
I read your advice everyday and im very thankful for it. Me and my ex boyfriend broke up last Tuesday. We dated for about 4 months and we even said that we loved each other during the very beginning. But two Thursdays ago, I had a mental breakdown that he went out to the gay bars without telling me. He said he needed some space because he felt I was suffocating him. He moved out of my place 3 days later. I feel of course miserable and I want him back desperately. I already did a few mistakes that you listed above such as calling him maybe about 30 times and texting him. As a result he blocked my number and blocked me on facebook. He has said multiple times to give him space which I have been now doing for the past few days. Do you really think I can get back with him? I love him very much and a few people are saying it might be too late. Please help!!
It's not too late. The only way to know for sure if it will work is to follow the plan.
Kevin,
How am I able to communicate with him after the 30 day plan if he blocked me from everything? I'm afraid that he will forget about me and move on from me. I'm basically his first real relationship. He is 27 and I'm 28. Also, my Birthday is coming up on the 4th of July this Tuesday and what do I do if he does message me happy birthday? I'm trying to keep myself occupied with my friends but my ex is always on my mind. I have been eating less and less everyday and a loss of appetite because of my ex. Also, I broke down last Friday after one of my friends told me he saw my ex on Grindr.... a gay hook up app for gay guys. He told me before we broke up that he loves me but he is not in love with me that he needs space and time to see if he will miss me and he said that he wants to find his way back to me and that he needs to figure things out. I don't know what that means. Also he still has my key to my house and everyday I hope for him to just walk in. Literally I'm a complete mess without him, he is basically the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Hey Matt,
You need to get yourself together if you want to have any chance of getting him back. He will not be attracted to you in the state of mind you are in. This is why you should do no contact. Read this article for the rest of your questions.
Hi Kevin,
After the no contact period, how am I able to contact him if he blocked me from everything? There is no way to get in contact with him through text message, snapchat, facebook, or instagram. I don't even know where he lives. The last message he sent me was "I will reach out to you when I'm ready, please leave me be and I need you to respect that".
Hey Matt,
There is a good chance he will unblock you during no contact. Even if he doesn't, you can always use an email.
Hi Kevin just to add to my previous comment-
We broke up because she caught me talking to this ex of mine two other times. Both times she got upset and and gave me chances. Now that we've broken up again she said she doesn't know if she could go through all of this again, we both love each other we txt everyday but she just doesn't trust me anymore. She says she needs time but yet she's already talking to other guys and most possibly meeting up with them too. What does that mean? I'm confused, does she want time so she can go and have fun to hurt me or has she moved on and just said she needs time to think about things and to trust me again to keep me on a leash? She knows I want her and I've apologised to her multiple times, idk what to do... I just want her back. How do I get her back?
Hey,
You need to be patient and give her time. Read this article.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my ex almost two months ago now. She said it was mutual, but it was mostly my doing. I didn't feel a connection. However we kept seeing eachother and attraction was still there. I spoke with her about it and she said she wanted more time to figure out what she wanted. Almost two weeks later I gave her flowers, made a card, and a bottle of wine and hid it so we could find it together. We found it and agreed to take it slow. However she later told me she only took it because she was afraid of rejecting me. We spoke and I said some potentially hurtful things. We agreed to be friends again, but I still miss her. I feel like I ruined the only chance I had...I should have given her the time she asked for. Is there any way to get a third chance with her? I saw her at the gym yesterday after two weeks NC and it seemed fine. I don't know...
Hey Mac,
There maybe a chance. You won't know if you don't try. Just follow the plan again and don't give her gifts until you are sure she wants to be with you.
Hello,
I'm Henry from the UK.
So my girlfriend broke up with me I was devastated and crying for a good while begging in disbelief. A couple days later we went to the cinemas and at the end I apologized for crying so much when she broke up with me. A couple days after that we went out as a group her me and two others, we had quite a good time but a few times throughout we had our difficulties, which I think annoyed her quite a bit. After the day out I messaged her at night that I'd like to talk to her in person whenever she next had a chance.
A few days later we met up (this would be a week and 1/2 since she broke up with me) and I told her something like 'I still love you and as much as I want to keep you in my life we can't hang out anymore because it hurts me too much and it'll prevent me from moving on. For now I need to focus on myself and heal and move on. I hope you understand' and then later I said you can call me if you ever feeling down and really need help/support.
Now it's been 6 days and I haven't talked to her. We still have eachother on facebook and snapchat, I haven't sent her any direct snapchats but she can still see my story, she views what I post, I assume she just is up to date with all her friends stories on snapchat not just mine, my story snapchats have been of my life of me going out and doing things, If i was in her shoes and making a judgement of how I was coping with the breakup it'd probably seem like im doing fine/well because everything on my snapchat has a positive vibe. Should I stop posting on snapchat or should I not continue as normal. Has the 30 days already started from when I said we can't hang out or did snapchat ruin it?
Thank in advance <3
You should stop posting on snapchat and focus on yourself for a while. You are using snapchat to stay connected with her and communicate indirectly. And the point of no contact is to remove all connection for a short while.
Hi Kevin,
My Gf and I have recently broke up. Infact its becoming a routine.
Every month, everytime we get into an argument she always chooses to end it. When shes happy she send me long text msgs how happy she is -ill copy and paste one of her msgs "
Baby i'm laying here thinking how grateful and blessed i am to have you in my life, i know sometimes i don't show it at all and when i'm upset or sad i hurt you without any intentions too, i'm here to let you know what i'm feeling not just because you have been so good to me these weeks but i want you to know that we both have came a long way.. to get to where we are now in our relationship. I am still learning about you each day i learn how to deal with you and yet till today i'm still learning how to communicate with you better, thank you for supporting me through everything and being so patient with me. I hope we can continue to be positive and happy and go on more adventures together! i want to create unforgettable memories ones that give each other the feels when we think about it, just memories like you coming to pick me up or me sitting on the train with you going to work, simple things like that make me happy, i love you so much, i know you say your always here for me and that no one can replace me, what you have told me i've never been told that in my life and it gives me this feeling i cannot describe, yet it's a feeling of ease.. a warm, comforting feeling in my heart that makes me want to burst into tears of happiness, yet when i hear those words from you in person or over the phone it makes me have that rush warm feeling all over again and it makes me what to hug and smother you with kisses :$
i hope this makes you smile after a long day of work! or should i say short day haha! "
That msg was sent a week ago.
Anyway two days ago she choosed to end it because of ne going out with a friend when she broke up with me, saying that I am cheating. So now she had blocked me completely on everything. But she still chooses to reply to me via email. But consistenly telling me to leave her alone. I would leave her but prior to this we had a discussion of her saying its over , she has said she hated me for that moment. I dont know what to do
Hey Arvin,
Do no contact and follow the plan. There is a good chance she will want to get back together after you start no contact. If she does, take things slowly and tell her clearly that you do not want a relationship where she breaks up every time there is a fight. You both need to work on your communication. You should lead by example. Start reading books on communication while you are doing no contact.
My ex told me he reconnected with his ex before me and he might get back together with her. But he wanted to check on me sometimes. He needed a week to think who he will choose. I blocked his phone #. He emailed me after 4 hours I blocked him asked me if I will reconsider him and he loves me. It took me 2 days to respond. I said something sweet and said we need to meet up in person next week. If you can't do it, I will block your email. And you can never reach out to me. I think he had been with his ex for a month now. He might just put me on side. Now how should I implement this NC rule?
Hey Jen,
If he has not replied to your email for a month, then you should let him go. Ultimatums are dangerous because if you don't go through with them, your ex will lose respect for you. And if you do go through with them, well, you can't pursue your ex anymore.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks so much for your response. Yes I gave his Ultimatums. Last Saturday I sent this email and said if you couldn't meet me next week, I would block your email and everything and you could never reach out to me.....he hasn't responded yet. After I blocked his phone # for 4 hours last Thursday, he emailed me and asked me if I will reconsider him and he loves me. I sent this Ultimatums email on Saturday. If he loves me as he said, why hasn't he responded yet? What should I do now ? I really want to get him back. I love him but I never told him before in our relationship for 6 months. I didn't treat him well during a certain period. But I realized how much I like him at the end. What should I do ? Should I just let him go if he won't reply for a week like I said in the email?
Hey Kevin,
I would like to ask you for and advise. I spoke to my boyfriend over phone and he said that he feels that if he doesn´t see the long term perspective in the relationship then it is not fair to continue. We spoke about it couple of times and he always said that i´m the right one for him right now and just doesn´t think about the future like that. But now he came with this. Thinking that he´s stopping me form meeting someone who i could plan the future with. He was very kind and i know it wasn´t easy for him. I know he would like to see me because he asked me to visite him for a weekend. I was very heart broken because we always find a way. So i told that it´s not a good idea spending all weekend together in his flat. Today i wrote hime that i know he didn´t mean to hurt me and asked him if he is really sure he wants to breakeup because of the future we don´t know. (I asked because he didn´t say the final word, always saying he thinks, he feels) He has not replied yet. It makes me wonder if he is sure about that. Anyway, i would like to hear your opinion and advise on what to do. I would like to be with him and i know that it does not always work out but I still would like to do my best for getting our relationship on a right path.
Thank you Kevin
Bára
Hey,
If your ex is sure about not wanting a future, and you are sure you want a future with him, then you should suggest to take a short break of a week or two. Tell him that you can both think more clearly if you are not speaking to each other and he can figure out if he truly wants you. You should not do total no contact unless he has completely broken up with you.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me less than a week ago and he's already seeing someone new I'm pretty sure this is just a rebound but Will this still work?
It might. If you think he is worth it, you should try.
Hey Kevin, 12 days ago my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years dumped me.
We used to have an amazing, loving, intimate, relationship. We were in love. Then about 8 months ago we started a downward spiral. I was so ignorant. We got in little arguments that would turn into bigger problems we couldn't understand each other because both of us had never been in a long term relationship like this before and we had no idea how to communicate to get through this rough patch in our relationship. We covered up problems, lied to ourselves that it would get better by doing nothing and in the process lost trust. We became emotionally disconnected. She was the one holding it together and I was too stupid to see it. She got tired of it.
In the last 8 months our sex life was a roller coaster. Sometimes we had amazing intimate sex that would last a while. Other times it was once every other week chore for her and we both didn't even really want to do it. We almost completely stopped doing fun things together and she got bored. I could feel her pulling away and I got jealous and super needy. She got even more disconnected and was falling out of love and I was fearful. We got in stupid arguments over stupid stuff and she dealt with it by not wanting to talk about her feelings at all. I saw it coming.
After one of our classes at college together she dumped me. I told her I understand. After the break up we hugged, I held her while she cried, she kissed me and we told eachother we love eachother. Two days after the breakup I gave her a handwritten letter telling her how I know why it fell apart and that I accept the breakup and that I was sorry for hurting her. The same day I messaged her at 3 am on FB trying to reconcile with her. It didn't work obviously. She wanted to be left alone, she didn't want to be my "love", she was very hurt and emotional. She told me she was lost right now. She told me she can't go back and that I need to move on and that she is too.
I was very hurt and upset for the next 10 days, it was hell. I had never faced this kind of pain in my life. The person I love slipped away and I would give my arms and legs if it meant I could be with her and share a life full of love and passion with her.
Since then I have been working on myself, self reflecting, eating right, doing meditation, being with friends and trying everyday. The problem is that I want her back in my life. Not because something is missing. I want to share my wealth with her. I want to use this to learn. She is a mirror for me to grow.
I want to go no contact with her but we have (4) classes together and 2 more weeks of school in college before the semester ends. I've interacted with her in some way about 10 out of the 12 days since the break up. Some initiated by me, some by her, some positive, some negative. She is friendly with me still and tries to talk to me in some of our classes. So would I still be able to have the effect of no contact after the semester or am I screwed? Any input is appreciated. I need some help Kevin..
Thank you.
-Marcus.
Hey,
Yes, you can start full no contact after the semester and you will still have a chance of getting her back.
My GF of one year moved out saying she's unhappy and gave me hints. Starting today I am starting the no contact. She hasn't answered much or not at all. But she still has some things at the house she hasn't picked up. And she has asked me if she could get it but never came. Is she possibly leaving it here to give her self a reason to come back down the road? Or should I contact her to come get the rest if her stuff.
Don't read into why she left the things. there could be a million reasons for that. Just follow the plan. Don't contact her to come get the stuff.
Hello,
So he broke up with me 3 days ago and the only reason was because he said he can't handle my depression and told me to get help. Now the problem is i did the exact thing I shouldn't do, and created a huge drama and was so needy and desperate.. but after that I haven't contacted him. His parting words were "I'm here if you need me" so i feel like he said that to make himself sound so in control also he made it sound like I'm a bit crazy. And also, complained that i lashed out and became moody the weekend before making it sound like i have anger issues even though i DO NOT at all and we have NEVER had a fight before. I'm 19 he is 20. He even said we're perfect for each other but just doesn't like the fact i never talked to him about how i was or felt etc. I want him back so bad especially because i feel the reason wasn't good enough because I'm planning to get help for my depression. He is going to a different country in 24 days to see family for the entire summer until October. What should i do? Should i not contact him until he's back in October or should I contact him tight before he leaves? Any advice would be a great help. I've been reading through your website and i find it so interesting thank you.
Hey Sarah,
Contact him when he returns.
Hello Kevin,
I am 22 and so is my ex. we were together for two years and everything was amazing, we seemed to get on great and he seemed to really love me and he used to talk about getting married and having kids and everything. He used to tell me how I was the one for him and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, however about five months ago he moved away for work and we only managed to see each other once since for two weeks. He is having a really good time and as time passed he seemed to be less and less interested in me and I became increasingly clingy because I was so scared he was slipping away, so I decided to move out there to be with him. At first, he was really excited about it but it has taken about three months to work everything out and he became uninterested again and broke up with me about five days ago but I am supposed to be flying out in two weeks. I am moving my entire life to be with him and now he is totally uninterested in me. He says he still wants to be friends and that he will help me find somewhere to live, and we are still talking but I just don't know what to do. I know he must still care about me because he took so long to actually decide to break up with me and he kept changing his mind about us. He has really hurt me when he was being so indecisive he would shower me with affection one minute and ignore me the next. should I completely ignore him when I get there and try and work things out with finding somewhere to live on my own? I have social anxiety and its quite a big deal moving all that way and he is literally the only person I will know there. I am just really worried about what will happen if things don't work out and how I will cope if I don't make any new friends.
Hey Lily,
You can tell him that you need some space from him and you won't be speaking to him when you move there. You can ask him for advice but in my opinion, you can find resources online for any information you need. You can also use websites like meetup to make new friends in the town.
Hey Kevin,
I did post mine but I think it got deleted?but I will type it all again,
Basically me and my ex were engaged and we were together for a year, few weeks back he was meant to come to mine but he couldn't come cause of my mum and me wasn't well cause we always pick him up as he has a learning disability and when my mum said we couldn't come he was fine but when he message me I asked what's wrong? He got all moody at me and we had a fight then he said no more calls, no more Skype, no conversation, he block me and my mum and I brought him flowers to say sorry to him his family wouldn't open the door so we gave them to his next door. I was so upset I wanted help so I message one of family member and he unblock me saying "please don't contact my family or friends otherwise I call the police" then he said "I do not want to see you again" I break down so hard and hard so much! I really miss him and I really want me and him to sort this out as this is him being childish all becausehe couldn't come and see me …. What do you think I should do? I mean we were so happy now this happens :(
Hey Libby,
If the breakup seems like it's coming from nowhere, then there is a good chance your ex is hiding something. Nevertheless, you should do no contact and if you still want him back after a couple of months, then try contacting him again.
Hello,
I Did All Mistakes That described above :)
is there still possible to get my ex back ? (LDR)
Thank you
Yes, follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me a week ago today, however when he ended it with me he didn't give me any reasons for it besides saying that he was unhappy. I treated him really well, we were so happy and in love. However he hasn't tried to contact me at all, so I haven't been contacting him either. Should I try the no contact rule even if he's ignoring me and may not ever speak to me again?
Yes, you should.
I have recently started no contact and she has messaged me every day since (this is only day 3). She seems quite angry now that I am totally ignoring her. How long do I leave it before I let her know I want space and time to clear my head?
I feel quite bad now for ignoring her. I'm trying to work everything out and better myself but everytime she gets in touch I feel like I'm going back to square one and she is right back in my thoughts. Thanks.
Hey,
Don't totally ignore her. Tell her that you can't speak to her because you need some space and time to heal.
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me after a 4 months relationship. We got along really well, shared similar interests but he said he was not looking for anything long term since he just got out of a 6 years relationship. We still send each other a text or two a day and it's so confusing because I can't tell if he is still into me. We bumped into each other at the gym and he was very nice go me and helped me with my weights just like when we were dating. What does this mean??
It doesn't mean anything. If you want him back, do no contact for a while and try again.
Hi.
I tried doing the no contact. But i think it didn't end well. Hebkept texting me, but when the time comes that I texted him, it's as if hebis not interested anymore. He broke up.with me because he said I was insecure and i am always complaining. But that is not true. On the day of our breakup we had a really huge fight and there he ended things with me. It has been 3 months. We had casual talk befire, I told him to never had another girl so fast and he said he won't do any serious relationship now for he has to focus on his career, one of the reasons why we grow apart is his career. It has been 3 months. Last time I was drunk I texted him that he will mever hear from me again since he is pushing me away so many times. He said that I should hate him as long as I want to if that will help me move on and that he is sorry things did't work for us. I heard he is already dating another girl. Is there a chance for us. Is nc still applicable cause i feel i messed up the last time. :(
Yes, there is a chance for you. Follow the plan. Don't break no contact just because he starts texting you.
Hey
Will the no contact rule work if my ex has blocked me from his phone? we were together a year and a half but he says the relationship isn't going anywhere! I know I want it to work but we've broke up so many times over the same thing I think he's just had enough. I've been so need for the 2 days after the break up then he blocked me?
Any advice would be appreciated as I feel im going out of my mind x
Yes, there is a good chance it will work. You should do it.
Hello,
I used to live with my bf for 2 years. 6 months ago he told me he has doubts about our relationship and that he feels not ready for commitment. I managed to convince him to try and that things could get better, but this thing wounded me and I started to be overemotional and needy. 1.5 months ago we have separated to try long distance (we went back to our parents, in different countries) and about 2 weeks ago, after I had asked when we could meet, he told me he doesn't feel like seeing me yet, which upset me and I started a discussion with him which led to him being brutally honest with me and telling me that whatever he had lost is not coming back and that he's sorry and he cares for me but does not want to keep hurting me and if I tried I would understand. I had no contact since then (18 days now) and he didn't attempt to contact me either. I love him and I want him back. Please advise what I should do.
Hey Yannine,
I am sorry you are going through this. It'll be best to continue no contact and follow the plan in the article above.
Thanks Kevin, I'll continue doing that. But, in case he does not contact me in the next 2 weeks, should I contact him anyway? Or still let more time pass? I guess he feels sort of relieved that I'm not bugging him anymore since he admitted the last couple of months have been stressful. I hope that he will start missing me eventually.. There is not really a chance to bump into each other, so contact is all we have..
Hey,
You can contact him if you are ready to contact him. See the checklist above.
Hay Kevin,
I broke up with my ex for a week now. I was so needy and we ended up in a fight where i swore at her. She got mad at me and told me to backoff and leave her alone. i didnt contact her for 2 days and then i tried again. She was still mad at me and then blocked me from all means of communication. i tried called her on Saturday and she clearly told me to move on as shes moving on. She was drunk this time. I started no contact rite away. Three days after no contact she messaged me on Viber asking me aboout some stuff, i replied briefly and then she messaged me again on the next day. This time i could tell that all her anger has gone. What should i do? She still block me from all comms except Viber. Should i remain NC?
Hey River,
Yes, you should continue no contact. If she texts again, just tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup.
Hello.
My Boyfriend broke up with me after he realized that I cheat on him 3 times. The first one was emotional cheating by texting some other guy. The second one was physically leaving him to go with the other guy. This episode lasted 5 months and I kept going back and forth with him and the other guy. He was very hurt and was drinking and partying every single night. But he forgave me and accepted me anyway. The third time I made out with a Friend in a club and he found out about it. Now he completely lost his trust in me and is afraid to be hurt by me again. When he found out, he randomly threw hurting insults at me. One fine day, he blocked my number on his phone so I'm unable to contact him up till now. However, I bumped into him last night and he still doesn't want to talk about the issue. He kept brushing me off Ms acted like he didn't listen when I was talking. Please advise me on what to do to get him back.
Hey Marilyn,
If you keep on cheating on him, then there is some serious issue with you. Unless you accept that issue and try to find a solution for it, he will not have any reason to trust you again. I suggest getting therapy.
Hey Kevin, holy do I have a story for you let try and keep it short tho. My girlfriend of 2 years left me. We have a 1 year old daughter. My house isn't suitable for her and it can't be made sutible because I don't own it. so I go there every other night and watch her after work. My ex usually goes out or stays in her room, and I watch alyia downstairs. I broke all the rules lol and had many chances to be around more. I should have moved in, but i didn't and it annoyed her to have the baby all the time.. as for now, how do I do the no contact when she calls and texts about our daughter .. I can't ignor her, so do I seem distant? Friendly? I need your help :(
Answer her when she calls or texts about your daughter. Read this article for more.
Hello Kelvin,
me and my ex girlfriend are close to each other, we chat on social networks everyday, sometimes we call to check up on each other, and she visits me also . I such case, how do I go about no contact?.
Tell her that you need some space and time.
Hi Kevin. Me and my ex see each other on a weekly basis due to having a child together and being involved in her life. My question is during the no contact period is it ok to bring a female friend to an event ( like a child's sporting event)? She has and I was wondering what would be the best option?
Hey Chris,
If you think your ex will think of it as you being disrespectful, then you shouldn't do it. If the female is friend is important to you and is just a friend, you should speak to your ex about this before bringing her to an event.
Hey
My ex girlfriend broke up with me about 4 days ago because i ran away from my house for about 4 days. Her dad is also dying from cancer, he only has about 3 months to live and i really wanna be there for her and help her when he passes away. i cant really do the no contact thing because we have a class together and we're partners for this project that we are doing for the rest of the year. what should i do? and also what would happen if she also read this article and we both do the no contact thing?
Thank you in advance- Philip
Hey Phillip,
Do the project together but keep your distance and only speak to her when necessary. Be a little distant for a couple of weeks and try apologizing to her and tell her you want to be there for her as a friend.
Hi Kevin,
So this is a tough one, I'm a 30 year old female and my ex is 32 years old.
We dated for close to 3 months, during this time I've been going through a divorce and he was there for me. Our relationship quickly evolved and we exchanged I love you's and he talked about marriage, children, a future. We were extremely happy and in love.
Unfortunately during this time, his sister was contacted by an anonymous number and told her brother was dating a "married" woman, mind you he comes from a very Christian family. In addition the messages implied I was a whore who was using him for sex and also encouraged his sister to "talk to her brother, save his life & future". Obviously after receiving that message he was extremely concerned, yet we decided to ignore it and continue with our relationship.
About 2 weeks later he then received a message from an anonymous number implying I was a cheater, was still sleeping with my husband and accused me of physically abusing my husband, the message warned he leave the relationship. Again, we tried to work past this.
A month or so went by, text free, but from time to time we would end up having a silly argument in which he'd bring up these texts and tell me he was under a lot of stress from them, it was hard to forget them and he felt threatened by them. About a week ago, he broke down crying on the phone and said he was overwhelmed, stressed, scared, unable to eat, etc. He asked for space and I of course failed to give it to him, I'd text and he'd be short, I also ended up driving to his house uninvited, where he reiterated to me that he needed space but I continued to call/text and essentially kept bugging him asking if the relationship was over, to where his replies were always somewhere along the lines of "I need time to be by myself".
Last week I received a message from him saying these anonymous texts started again and he and his family were being threatened, he wouldn't tell me what they said, but he asked me if I was pregnant and then made a comment implying how convinient the timing was for them to come through. Today I get another text asking me to tell him everything I know about these messages and if I had anything to do with them as he's going to the police, I let him know I didn't have anything to do with them.
I asked him if he still loved me and he said he did, but the messages had gone too far, then again I asked if the relationship was over and was met with this response:
I've taken matters into my own hands. Please let me try to be in peace. Like I said these messages have gone way too far. It is because of them I must move on or try to. You should have done something to stop them months ago. All I wanted was time and it's come to this.
After receiving this message, I text him back about 4 times and essentially begged for a second chance and reassured him I had no involvement and would do anything to help and protect him, he never replied after that.
Is it too late?
Hi Ro,
Do you know someone who could be sending these text messages? You should contact the police regarding this. I recommend you apologize to him and tell him that you were wrong for not giving him space. Ask him to contact the police regarding the text messages and if you should contact them. Do no contact after that and follow the plan.
Hey kavin..
I just broke up with my girlfriend 3 days ago its so painful .. We were together for almost 3 years .. We were best friends and lovers ( btw im a girl also) she loved me to death.. She left all her friends just to be with me although i didnt ask her to do so but she was like ur my friend my love my everything etc.. But now she started getting back her old life and friends .. She told me she still loves me and want me in her life but as friends because she wants freedom and she cant live without me.. I actually cant be friends with her after want we been through.. I want her back as gf!!! I can right? Btw we work together but different departments ... Helpp meeeeee
Hey May,
Follow the article. Do no contact before trying again. If it doesn't work, let her know honestly that you can't be friends and you need to move on.
Hi Kevin
So I broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago. I broke up because he didn't treat me right. My friends told my many times before we broke up that he wasn't good for me. But I really loved him and I still do. I have always seen the positive things about him. And yeah he hurt me a few times but not like this one time. I still want to be with him but I was too hurt to call him my boyfriend so I ended it. I'm still heartbroken and don't know what to do with my life. A part of me feels bad and awful for breaking up with him because I know I hurt him a lot. I feel evil and mean for not giving him time to apologise. I feel like its all my fault and I should make it up to him again. The only thing I want right now is to get him back. We had like this special connection and we were both very honest with each other.
We are teenagers and very young and I know that I should just live my life but I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what to do without him. He was such a big part of my life.
So that was my story. Here is my question: is the "no contact" thing still the right thing to do? We are still friends but I feel like if I don't keep in touch with him he will forget about me.
What should I do?
Hey Amanda,
If you don't keep in touch, he will not forget about you. In fact, the best thing you can do for him right now is to not keep in touch. By giving each other space, you will both realize if your love is truly special and whether or not you should get back together.
Thank you, Kevin. I will do that and hopefully get a nice result.
Hi.. I've been seeing this guy for almost a year and a half. We weren't exclusive, but we spent a ton of time together/vacationed together/etc.
Anyway, he came to my house this passed Sunday while I was sleeping and went through my phone. I texted a guy the day before because I was bored.. (the guy I was seeing was ghosting me for 2 days - VERY unlike him). So I ended up hanging out with the guy for a couple hours.
Shouldn't be a big deal right? Wrong.
He left. Didn't wake me up or anything. He texted me going off & said he's not messing with me anymore. Says we had a "mutual agreement."
After Sunday, I began no contact. He hasn't contacted me & I haven't reached out to him. He watches my snapchat story though. Like he will watch half of them & not watch the others. He's done that 2 days in a row.
(I want him to know that I have a life outside of him & that I'm not miserable. I use snapchat to do so).
Anyway, what should I do? Is this relationship even salvageable? I don't want to waste much more time on this guy if it's not worth it. I'm completely heartbroken & I have been holding it in for 5 days now..
Thanks in advance. Your advice has been great thus far. ?
Hey Teresa,
If you were not exclusive, then it shouldn't have been a big deal for him. However, his actions kind of show that he was developing feelings for you and he may have wanted something exclusive. I think you should speak to him honestly about your feelings and let him know that he is important to you and you want a relationship with him. If he refuses, then follow this plan.
After 5 months of dating, where I supported him through his divorce and court case, I asked him if he loved me and he said no he didn't. I said I need time to think about whether I wanted to continue sleeping with a man who doesn't love me and he dumped me!! Said he does not love anyone and is no where near ready for a commitment.
Hi Rachel,
He was honest about what he wants and expects. Being emotionally ready for a commitment after a divorce is a big step and it might take him a lot more than 30 days to reach there. In my opinion, the relationship was much more important to you than him and there is a chance that he will ignore you when you try to contact him after no contact. If that happens, you can't do anything other than do indefinite no contact. I think you should do no contact for at least a couple of months before trying to contact him.
Thank you Kevin
What if your ex sent you a "closure email" and then blocked you from email? What if they completely ignore your email or text after 30 days NC ? How can you proceed then?
I would love to get emails every day
Hey Kevin,
So I (23 Y/o) have just come out of a relationship with my boyfriend (21 turning 22) of 6 months we had known each other for 3 years before that and were friendly. He actually initiated our relationship after he liked me for 3 years on and off. I know it was a short relationship but we were extremely close, he practically lived with me while we were finishing uni, we turned into best friends and we wanted to experience new things together. So last week after months of telling me to move in with him after uni, to attend his cousins wedding, to meet the family (which I did on numerous occasions) for him to meet mine, to be put on his car insurance he told me he wanted to break up because he didn’t want to commit and knew I wanted a long term relationship. It also turns out that he thinks he might like some girl from work because she makes him happy and is fun to be around and is a good cook and we had been arguing recently as I had been away for a week. He says he loves me and likes me more but says he thinks she doesn’t want a commitment either and he just wants to give it a try and see what happens, she is leaving to go back to Poland at the end of May but will return late August early September. He also says he sees a future with me but doesn’t want a future right now and therefore would like to try with her. This girl found out we broke up last week when he told her and over the weekend she broke up with her bf of 4 years. They are going to a horse racing event alone something that really hits home since that was our first date and he told me he wouldn’t just go with anyone, he also spent 3 -4 hours driving to pick this girl up from the airport regularly since she is from Poland and goes home every other weekend. They work together and have begun spending a lot of time together. It really hurts because I was skeptical of getting with him and he showed me throughout how I shouldn’t be but now I feel like I never really knew him. Help, I know I am young and everyone says I have my whole life ahead of me but I don’t see why that matters. What should I do?
Hey Tanisha,
I am sorry you are going through this breakup. Your boyfriend is stringing you along as he is going around and exploring his option. Everything he said implies that he wants you to wait for him while he goes around with that other girl. He is young and is not ready to commit. He does have strong feelings for you but that didn't stop him from breaking your heart. I recommend you do two months no contact and follow the plan. If after two months of no contact, you still want him back, reach out to him. If he is still not done with his exploration, you should move on.
Hi kevin,
I know this girl from last three year and we were best friends and from last 4 months we were into a relationship.
She broked up with me 10 days ago saying that her family is looking for a guy to get married.i talked to her about what i feel for her but she said she cant take her chance and cant convince her family so after that i didn't called her again but she now calls me sometime and says that she is confused for this new guy.we are still friends so i helped her with this problem but deep inside i still want her.
I am helpless please suggest what should i do?
Please help me with this situation.
Thanks
Hey Henry,
Situations like this rarely work in your favor. I recommend that you stop being her friend and cut her off from your life.
hello kevin,
you have given so many ideas which is very helpful for everyone.....this article shows your kindness about those people who loss their mind during this break up and helpless period.
but my condition is lil bit different.please give some suggestion.........i was in relationship for 7 years. during this period he broke up for 3 times just because of his parents...because they are very strict and narrow minded.now he thought he spoiled my life and want to go away from me for my happiness and wants that i should marry somewhere else.he is forward in caste and i am backward
tell me kevin what should i do?
i am not in contact with him for 20 days.
Hi Nidhi,
Continue no contact for another 10 days and reach out to him. If he still thinks like that, then there is a good chance he will not marry you because of caste differences. In that case, you should just do indefinite no contact and move on. I am sorry you are going through this and a 7 years relationship ended this way, but there is nothing much you can do here.
Unfortunately i have made all those mistakes in 1 month we separate at the point he told me he doesn't love me no more .just wondering if he mean it or have just read your advice before me.he is doing exactly what you asking to do.Does it mean he wants me back?he totally got me round his finger if his intention was to see me crawling.My worries are if i start feeling better with myself there is a way back cuz i wont forgive him for such a scar left me and i heal all by myself with his 7 month son.its impossible not being in contact in this situation or even ignore texts.Everytime i talk about myself and how i been doing all i get is jealousy and hate and we are not together .Im really confused not knowing if he loves madly me or totally hate me to see me well without him.Help
Hey Trish,
There is a good chance that he still loves you. You are right, after healing by yourself, you might not want him back and might even realize that you are better off without him. But you don't really have any other option. You've tried everything else. Now it's time to put yourself before him and your relationship and start loving yourself.
Hi Kevin,
It's been 20 days of no contact with my ex. She text me 3 times within that period. The first time she text me it was to let me know that her and our 13 year old daughter were going to go visit family. The last 2 times she asked me how am I and said something about the bills. It had been 16 days of no contact at this time. I only responded to the third text and kept it strictly about the bills.
Besides that one response about the bills it's been 20 days of no contact. In 12 days it will be 32 days of no contact, and it would be our 16 year anniversary. I'm wondering if I should contact her then if she doesn't first. The whole point was for us to have some space, work on ourselves, fix bad habits, and start new. Then all of a sudden she sends me a text about breaking it off for good.
I think she's still not ready to trust the positive changes I've made and continue to make. I've taken accountability for my flaws and I'm making efforts to improve. However, it seems she just wants to hold on to negative things. I know this comes from hurt. Hopefully time will heal some wounds. I just want my family back together again. Your insight would be much appreciated.
Hey Nj,
I am sorry you are going through this painful breakup. I think you should contact her when you are ready. You will have to be very patient and you can never push her to get back together. It has to be her idea. The only thing you can do is be consistent and show her that you are really capable of change.
Hii Kevin!! I'm soo in need of how to get my man back and its very painfull !! :(
Our relationship has been for 7 months and its after his ex broke up with him. I was there to help him , to take care of him and friendship ended up in a relationship when I confessed my love for him. Since he got the love and care he wanted , from me which his ex could not give. And now that his ex has come back and reminds him that he betrayed her when she was the one to breakup and he just eventually decided to move on with life with me . He blames himself for hurting her and told me he needs space . He is having his space now but I am afraid to lose him. I cannot just lose him at all. Though he did not tell me he broke up with me, he just asked for space . And I'm deadly obsessing about him since I love him so much and I just couldn't even think about letting him go. What do I do and How do I get him back? Pleasee help
Thankyou
Hi Sanjida,
There is nothing else you can do except give him space.
Ted, its already 1.5 month, and only now I understood that I was still needy..... isnt it too late to put no contact rule and expect for the best? Or did I fucked up everything? We had couple nice meetings during this period, but on the last one we had a bad conversation again...and I kept being needy for couple days again. Now I think I fucked u everything, or ?
Hey Ted,
If you want her back, you should give it a try. No one can say for sure if it's too late. The only way to find out is to actually try.
Hi Kevin,
Two years ago i broke up with my boyfriend. We didnt have contact for about a year. Suddenly he added me on facebook and we were started talking. He was asking about my 'then current boyfriend' and so so.
However, there was a event going on april first. We were both going. When i first told him that i was going he asked me if i was going alone, i said yes. Then i asked him, he said no, i will go with my best friend, he continued that i might not want to see him because his best friend tried to hit on me. That day i told him my feelings and that i still cared about him. He told me that he has not the same feelings, i accepted him and didnt contact him for two weeks.
After two weeks he sent me a message saying; hi are u still going to the event? If you do, do you want to come with us? Me, my best friend and two other friend. I replied; no i will go with a friend. He continued to say lets go together. The morning of the event he texted me asking if i was already gone.
At the event i didnt greet him, so he came to me and said why are u ignoring me? U look at me but u dont greet. So he hugged me. And stood next to me.
The next day i contactws him saying that he really confuses me. That i dont understand what he is trying to do and so. Since then i havent talked to him. Its been about 2 weeks. Should i still follow the rules? What do you think?
Hey,
If he has not replied to your latest message about what he is trying to do, you should follow the rules and do no contact.
Hey! We broke up because I lied about changing my selfish acts and it when really long than I actually want to do it. Can you help me because she keeps on ignoring me. I sent her a message after doing a no contact. I'm kinda nervous if she's ever gonna talk to me again. Please help me. I want her back. :( Pls help. Thank you
She's really mad also at me and idk what to do. will she ever talk to me? I'm kinda anxious because i really pissed her off and ended up breaking up with me :(
Hey Pat,
Instead of telling her that you've changed, you need to show her that you are serious about this. Getting therapy or joining a group therapy session will help you show her that you really mean it this time and will increase your chances of getting back together.
My girlfriend and I recently broke up about 2 weeks ago. We had dated for over two years. She moved down to me and didn't know anyone. She was dependent on me and there's only so much you can do when she's not 21 either. She felt trapped and moved out and started living with people she met. I was totally fine with that. Did it suck, yeah, but she seemed happier so I was all for it. So after the break up, I didn't contact her until she called me asking to meet up for lunch. I said sure and we had a great talk and had a really emotional, long hug (She was crying, not me). She said she really missed me and just needs to see I've changed. She said she sees I have changed a little, and just wants to see it last and stay changed forever. We had lunch the next day as well and we laughed about things and talked about the relationship. She said she wants us to work out, but still needs space. She said she wants us to work out, but isn't putting any effort into making it work out. I don't know what to do because we are going to my friends wedding together next week. Please help me figure out if she is still interested in our relationship.
Hey Nick,
I can bet you aren't the only one who needs to change if the relationship is to work. You should be clear about what needs to change in both you and her and lay your cards on the table. Tell her that if she wants it to work, then you both need to make some changes.
this answered my questions from start to finish, got more than I needed. God bless
My ex broke up with me on thanksgiving yet she acts like we're still together just in February she tells me to find someone else,and that I will never find anyone like her yet she calls me everyday all day I used to answer her just recently I stopped I asked her what were we she replied we aren't together and I told her we weren't friends either after that she has called my phone several times in a day even exceeding 15 unanswered calls then today she texted I miss you! I want to go to the beach what is that about
Hey Linda. Your ex is confused and doesn't know what she wants. Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she refuses, then tell her that you need time and space to deal with the breakup and start no contact.
I'm on day 6 of no contact today has been the first day she has not contacted me.,, how do I know how long to keep the no contact should I wait for her to send me a text stating she wants to get back together or just let it go a full 30
I know right now she is feeling overwhelmed I used to be at her availability always and now I haven't been
Hi Kevin i REALLY REALLY need help . I am currently feeling so hopeless and i want him back so badly… Heres the thing.. Me and him had been together for 6 months but as time passed he showed lesser sign of love and didnt take me as his priorities anymore… Thats when i suggested to break up. A week before the breakup he kept messeging me acting as if nothing happened , but i did not reply any of his texts . For the next 2 months we did not contact each others until that day he messeged me if im going to his college’s event . In the end i did go and he seemed to be doing so fine without me … He did not show any signs of missing me and seems to move on already… Even when i see tagged pictures of him on social media , he seemed to be happier without me… I cant tell if he was acting or he really prefers to be single… If so why would he invite me to his college’s event? (I dont think he was trying to revenge to make me feel bad because he is really not that type of person) After seeing him during the event , i instantly fell in love with him again and slowly recalled tons of good memories with him…Therefore i went ahead and whatsapp him after the event was over . He told me that he was better than ever and i admitted that i sounded desperate during that conversation . Throughout that entire week after that event i couldnt resist my urge and started a convo with him 3 times.(He never started the convo ) The 3rd time when i whatsapp him i asked if we could get back together , and he said no… (Reason was he wanted to be single and he was dealing with Alevels exam in 1 month time) I told him that i could wait and he asked me not to… After that we did not talk until now.(Its been 2 weeks) Sometimes he showed signs that he still likes me but sometimes it seems like he has completely moved on. I miss him badly… ? I hope you could give me some advices on this , even just a bit .. I need some guides on what to do next pleaseeeee i hope you read and reply to my comment ?
Hey,
It's good you started no contact. He is young and he wants to explore his options. He does has feelings for you but he doesn't want to get tied down yet. I don't recommend waiting for him. You should focus on moving on. I know you have strong feelings for him and don't want to let go. If you want to give it another try, do no contact for another 2 months before contacting him. You should really make some positive changes in yourself before contacting him again. And I highly recommend you date other people to regain your self worth and confidence.
Hi Kevin,
My fiance broke up with me back in January. We still live together her and you can imagine how that is going. I have thought about all the questions you asked in. Your article and she is the one I want to be with and being with her makes me a better person. She was the one who ended things and I am at a loss with what to do. It's hard to give space since we live together still. Sometimes it seems like she wants to get back together but then at other times hides it with anger. I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship and have changed greatly even though we still live together. Do you have any suggestions or tips to help me put or what I should do next? We also have a 3 year old daughter together.
Hey Alex,
Is it possible for you to move out? If so, then you should move out temporarily. It will give both of you the much needed space and time. Only speak to her about your daughter and nothing personal. Work on yourself while you are away and try to figure out what caused the breakup. Moving out might be a scary move but it will help both of you understand how important you are to each other.
Hello Kevin
Around 4-5 days ago me and my girlfriend broke up as she was stressing out about school and her head is all over the place. She is said that it is not likely that that we'd be back together but she is unsure whether she loves me or not and she admits she regrets the argument. The argument happened because she did not communicate her feelings and failed to address problems which she told other people but not me. Now unfortunately I fallen into a trap of pleading and begging her to give me a chance to change however on the day I met her in person to sort things out (a week before she broke up with me) me and her did a few things (sexual) and on that day she always responded to I love you and insisted that she needs space and that she was not ready for a relationship. I am in my 4th day of not contacting her and I need to find out what my next steps are, one of them is going to the gym but that's about it. I would be happy if you could help me out.
kind regards
Jorge
Hello,
I love someone truly from 3 years and he loves me more than me.But starting of this year was very bad.He thinks I have another man in my life that's not true.I always use to spend wholw day talking with him.But he stop talking with me.His health is now not good because of these nonsense problema which is not true.Then I asked his friend to help me.But he was not good person.When my bf tell me about his friend's nature I stoped taking his help .And my bf start talking with me because he doesnt want me to get wrong again.But I dont know what happen my bf after 2,3 days started saying that you still with my friend.I thought may be his friend is lieing to him and I put his frend's pic on fb by saying that he has used many girls bla bla but that's true..And situation become more worst.Now what I have to do.I'm standing with truth but he is not believing.He is very disturbed now.He is not happy.
Hello my name is Motty and i broke up with my gf yesterday she blocked me in insta,fb,whatsapp,calls and message.After seeing this this i called her and asked why she did this and she said she is not intrested,i asked her the reason and she said she doesn't know kept on repeating the same thing and she said she doesn't like my character and our characters doesn't match .the main problem was a incident done ny me on a bus as i was gonna kiss her,she felt very insecure and left it from that time she used to get a lot of strain, afraid of me and thinks that i like her body instead of her.Yesterday i called her and the above thing happened,he has a Brother and he called me and said you touched her and said i need to see you in a angry mode.i didnt see her in that way but dont know
What happened to her she used to love me so much and we hav plans of future..i need her would you suggest an idea.
Hey Kevin !
Thank you very much for you daily emails, i have a problem with my ex, he broke up with me when i was 2 months, i tried with the no contact rules as from 03 March 2017 but it seems as it will not work as we are having a child, and i am very far to get the EBP Advance book
I am currently on day 36 of no contact from a long relationship. I have not heard from my ex girlfriend at all during this time. How much longer should I do no contact, and what should I say to her?
Hi Kevin,
I would love some advice please. Apologies for the length in advance.
We met a year ago whilst I was on vacation in Germany. I live in London. I'm 31 and he's 6 years younger than me. We managed to see each other once a month (3-5 days at a time). He struggled with the distance more than I did but we had pretty intense feelings for one another and tried to make it work - talked every morning and every night between visits. These were new feelings for both of us.
He cheated on me about 5 months ago and called to tell me the very next morning because he didn't want to lie to me. The guilt was killing him and it meant nothing etc and the entire experience had only reaffirmed for him how much I meant to him and he now felt stable about us and comfortable for our futures to be intertwined in a permanent way (whereas before he was uncertain about us working). We went on an amazing vacation straight after this, after some time I forgave him and our relationship grew stronger. Or so I thought.
Last month he flew halfway across the world to my family home in Southern Africa where he met my mother (only guy that ever has) and we had a wonderful 2 weeks together where I felt we grew so much closer and there were random comments about marriage and kids he made throughout that made me feel certain that this was the person for me. Then, just over a month ago, out of the blue (though there had been a few days prior where he was behaving strangely and not calling/texting me the way he normally would, but I chalked it up to his brother having just moved across the world from Syria to live with him so I wanted to give them space) he called to say he couldn't do a LDR anymore. That so much of our relationship has been consigned to the phone and that being apart from me was proving to be too difficult for him, that he wanted to wake up next to me like a "normal" couple. We had had issues with the distance aspect of our relationship before, but our love seemed to get us through those moments. We spoke another 2 times that week where I came to a slightly better understanding of what the real issue is:
He's still a student (originally from Syria) and his financial situation is proving to be very difficult for him so he's considering moving back home (which is nuts and I've adamantly warned him is not a good idea). Even if he does opt to stay in Germany, he hasn't progressed academically and he doesn't want me to wait for him to get his life together (we had, once or twice, briefly discussed settling down together, marriage etc once he graduates). His older brother moving to live with him in Germany is what stemmed this entire thing because the day he arrived they had a massive bust up with his brother shouting at him about what he's doing with his life etc. His brother was supposed to come with my ex's university transcripts but because of the war, the records appear to have been lost which means he'll have to start his degree from scratch rather than just completing his final year. This adds more time on us being in a long distance relationship and also prolongs the time we would have to wait before getting married etc. I said I'd consider moving to Germany because I'm in between jobs at the moment and no longer want to live in London, but he said no - didn't want for me to move to a country where I don't speak the language and would struggle to find a job and to do that just for him and that I would come to resent him.
He said that he needs to make these big life decisions without thinking of me, that this is a time when he needs to be selfish. I'm willing to wait until he gets his life together and graduates (whenever that may be) but he got angry with me and kept saying "how can you not even think about yourself?" (I believe that may age has a lot to do with this and he's conscious of potentially wasting my time) and that I should meet other people. He didn't sound like he was going to change his mind, I did a lot of crying and a little begging and he said goodbye. There was a finality about it though he said to call him if ever I need anything and we can be friends. I told him I didn't want to be friends.
That was just over 30 days ago and I read your article and have not been in touch with him at all since (except his best friend and roommate msgd and called me about 2 wks ago to check up on me and see if I was ok - I said I had a flight to catch the next morning and that I was fine. I was very brief and vague). I have not heard a word from him at all. Complete radio silence which has worried me a little. I have been working on myself to make improvements (been working out and feeling good about myself) and am currently still travelling around Africa visiting family while I figure out where I want to live etc (it would have, rather ironically, been the best time for me to spend some months in Germany to test the waters for a full time life there with him). Do you think I have a chance of getting him back? I don't even know if he's yet made a decision about moving back to Syria but we don't really have mutual friends so I have no way of finding out (he's not on Facebook so I only have whatsapp and viber as a means of communicating with him).
I guess what I'm struggling with is the first contact text message (can't send letter as I don't feel that would be appropriate) as to me my intentions would seem obvious if I were to reminisce about good times etc. Maybe this internal conflict suggests I'm not quite ready. I've gone through your checklist of things to have done before contacting your ex and I'm all there except that I'm not quite convinced about those endless opportunities to find love should this not work out. That it took me 30 years to find love for the first time, a genuinely meaningful and serious relationship makes me feel somewhat less than optimistic about what the world has to offer. I really feel like timing is all that is keeping us apart and though life will go on should this not work out, I'm not at all confident that I will experience another love like this. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.
Hey Kevin, Was seeing a guy but he only saw me as a booty call, he started losing interest. so I've back of completely. I reacted and acted needy and he was probably annoyed. I just don't want him to see me as a booty call anymore and more as girlfriend material. I'm worried he won't come back, because he won't speak to me at the moment. Maybe you could give some handful advice.
Hi Shaz,
If he never developed feelings for you and only saw you as a booty call, it's unlikely his feelings for you will change. I think the best you can do is stop contacting him and focus on yourself. If you want to avoid a situation like this in the future, you should always take things slow when starting out with a new love interest.
Hi Kevin,
I have a specific question related to the "no contact" period.
My ex broke up with me two weeks ago, after dating for a little over a year. She claimed that, while she does love me, she does not see me in her future. Heartbroken, I managed a couple of days with no contact, but then slipped into the routine of social media stalking and constantly pestering her with needy and pitiful text messages. I came across your plan, and I am very motivated to stop the messaging, officially start "no contact", and continue with the other steps.
I have one big issue. We are both in college, and both heavily involved in a very active on-campus organization (she is President, I am Past President--and therefore technically her "advisor"). In this organization, we have officer meetings (10 people total) every other week, plus additional events that we have to host. I really have no clue how to handle "no contact" when I literally must be in professional contact with her for my remaining 3 months in the organization.
I'd really appreciate your insight, Kevin. Thank you for helping me get my girl back.
-Luke
Hey Luke,
Read this article.
Thanks Kevin! That article is great. I read it twice over to make sure I didn't miss anything.
One additional question: I recently performed a very substantial wardrobe change (a much more modern look), because I saw that you recommended it, and it has indeed made me feel much better.
I'm just worried that when my ex sees me again (I have a professional meeting to attend with her just one week after I started No Contact) I will appear as though I am seeking attention, and therefore needy. My new clothing is quite different that my old style, so it will definitely be noticeable.
Thanks,
Luke
Hey Luke,
Don't worry about it. Even if she thinks like that, it will not affect your chances of getting her back as long as you don't act like you need attention or her approval. Just treat her like you would treat any person you are in good terms with without getting too friendly.
Hi Kevin. Two days ago i broke up with my girlfriend, she wanted so and we broke up. She loves me but she doesn't want me to know that, she thinks that i'm better without her because she always hurted me in the past with her attitude, with her ignorance. Iread all your article but i have a problem with the no-contact thing...I'm in highschool and i'm in the same class with her everyday! Can you please tell me what should i do in ma case? thank u
Hi,
Just follow the 5 step plan.
I am currently going thru a some what you called "breakup". I was basically chasing and after i got him, we were dating but a few days ago things wasn't as great and he said he doesn't want it anymore. He said that he wasn't ready for any commitments and doesn't wants to fall in love again and he just don't want to date anyone or see anyone anymore. I still love him so bad, and i am currently so confused. Please advice me on what to do. I do still text/call him sometime when i miss him and we see each other at work if we are working on the same shifts.
Hi Aubry,
Follow the 5 step plan.
Hi Kevin
This article is amazing and helped me a lot. Thank you so much for giving us those wise words.
I am now at that point with the handwrizten letter, she just got it last week. I followed your steps and wrote content just like you proposed. At the end of the letter I asked her, if she would go out with me.
The same day she texted me back and thanked for the kind letter and beautiful flowers I sent her and added, that she needs some more time to decide.
I replied, that I understand and she shall take as much time as she needed.
Its been a week now and I still have no reply from her and I am going crazy because I have no idea in which way she will decide.
Also I texted her yesterday wome empty messages (yup, my fault) and she just dont text back.
One more thing: I noticed, that she is less often online in whatsapp then she was before the handwritten letter.
How should interpret this?
Thank you so much in advance for your advice, how I should behave now and what could be going on on her mind.
Kind regards
Luca
Hi Kevin,
I need your help.
I was in a relation with a guy who is married now
He was playing a mind game with me till the time I didn't fall in love with me
He lied frauded cheated through out...he had physical relationship with many girls..he might be expecting the same in the absence of wife...luckily I was saved.
I now want to teach him a lesson...want him to be attracted towards me badly...as I am somewhere sure he will not be loyal to his wife too.
He played a very dirty game to drag my attention
I did do no contact and on & off when I call he 95%pick up my call
He has a very well experience of handling girl making the emotional fool
Please guide me as I really want him to be hunted the same way I am going thru
Thanking you in anticipation.
Hi Icha,
I am sorry you went through a terrible heartbreak and betrayal. But revenge is not going to make things better. If he lies, cheats and manipulates; he will eventually lose everyone close to him including his wife. You don't have to do anything for that to happen. Just don't contact him anymore and focus your time on healing and becoming happy.
Thanks Kevin,
I somewhere feel....he is loyal to his family so he will keep them happy and will be loyal to his wife too
But he needed to be taught a lesson by making him emotionally fool
I know this might not be a positive attitude from my end....but I badly feel to trap him in his tricks
Pls guide
Regards
Hi there! Great article, I absolutely loved it. Can I ask a question re the 30 days no contact. I'm about the days in and already I'm getting messages etc, presumably she's wondering why I'm not chasing still. However, we are still in the process of moving out of a shared house and so there is some need for discussion. What do I do? She texted to say as a courtesy she was letting me know she'll be home tonight to grab some stuff and what time in case I didn't want to see her. Sounds like fishing? Also that she has done my washing and folded it for me. Please help.
Daniel
Hi Dan,
Just tell her that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup. There is no harm in meeting her as long as you keep any conversation strictly to the point. Don't talk about anything personal and if she does, just tell her you are not ready to speak to her as a friend yet.
Hello. My boyfriend broke up with my June of 2016. We kind of rekindle things but never really got space like we should've and we ended it recently after the holidays. I still want to be with him and feel like when we first broke up I should've just let it happened. I feel like it ruined any chance of us working out. I still want to be with him. He is currently moving out. What should I do
You see, I myself am struggling with a breakup (not even an official relationship) but I'd suggest you to evaluate some things. Do you think he still isn't over you? And if you don't, do you want to take the risk and try to get him back? I believe you should first take it easy. Don't go after him but talk a little, casually and less than you usually would talk, then, start the No Contact rule. From the No Contact part on, you should follow the rest of the plan and it may work, I mean, you know your chances better than anyone else. Remember, by the end of the steps, despite the fact that there's always a chance that you might not get your ex back, you're supposed to be a better version of you who appreciates life even without their ex:)
Hi Kevin,
My girl friend and I have been in a 4 years relationship. In the last 7 months, things between us has been stagnant. Now she has her priorities changed and she wants to focus on her higher studies for her post graduation and not on this relationship. She broke up with me and she is happy and does not even miss me. She only talks to me as a friend now. Im just hurt and I miss her. I want her back and I would do anything to make our relationship work. Please help me
Hey Aaron,
Stop talking to her as a friend and follow the 5 Step Plan.
Hey Kevin email me I need to ask a question for you!
Hey Kavin. I have just broked up with my ex yesterday. But noy I am badly missing him. I made a mistake . I should not let him go. i just want him back in my life. i can't stay a minute without him. i am now feeling like dying.and I want to make him to miss me. Will you please help me?
Hey Nabila,
Follow the 5 step plan.
Hello could you,
Please email me I need some questions answered!
Hey Kevin,
I read your should you get back with your ex article. You said that if you don't have trust, honesty, and communication you should not get back together. I did not have those things in my relationship. However, I want to try and fix it, it was my fault we didn't have those components and I feel like besides that, we were good together. There was some cheating and lying on my part, and my ex is just done. I want to change. I want to give him the same thing he gave me. I want to have a better relationship with him and I feel it is fixable if I just get one more chance. What should I do ? I feel like this is someone I want to spend my life with. We were planning on moving in together and now it is nothing. I really wish I could take back the things I did. How do I fix it ?
Hey Jaici,
You should make some major changes in yourself and try to contact him again. But before you contact him, you should have already started working on whatever issues caused you to make the mistakes you made. Things like going to therapy, group therapy or a 12 step program is extremely helpful because it shows that you are serious about change. Once you have started on the path to change, contact him after a month of no contact with one of the methods mentioned in the article.
Hello Kevin,
It's been months since I last wrote on here. Well after my last post saying to give it one last chance I did give a chance but it didn't last. We broke up again and I left his house. This was right before Valentines day. So much has happened over these past months. But to be honest lately like these past weeks he's been on my mind like crazy and my feelings are going crazy too.
After the split we weren't really speaking he said he hated me for taking our daughter away I told him you did this by still doing your sh*t. Fast forward to like 2 months after I left I ended up getting a new job and again it so happened he stopped working when I started so anyways I kept trying to call and text him to confirm if he can watch our daughter while I worked but he wouldn't answer any of my calls and it was rare if he replied to my texts. Rewind actually to a week before I started working I had called his phone it was morning and a girl answered me I was thrown off and asked who's this? Guess who it was? None other than his ex which became his girlfriend again.
I told her to let me speak to him but she said he wasn't home and then I clicked on her I didn't even let her finish. Like 2 hours later he calls me back but I didn't answer I was mad. OK so the day I started working I called him when I got off but this time I called the house phone and he answerd and was shocked when he heard my voice so we spoke but then I forgot to tell him something so I called back but then she answered again so I clicked and called his cell and he didn't answer I called again and he ignored my call so then I texted him and I saw he read it so I called him again and then I didn't hear any ringing so I said hello and from a distance I heard her like she answered but meant to ignore my call or I don't know but I hear her say something and end it with b*tch.
So I got really mad and called back and they ignored my call so I text his phone but texting her basically I'm going off and then I messaged her on Facebook and we got into it but then I stopped replying. Like a week later after that he texts me saying "I swear she's out my life" I didn't believe him but that was months ago and he kept his word.
Things were ok between us as co-parents. So now in June we went to club event to see a DJ with some friends. We were inside and he disappeared for the rest of the night I left early with my friend because she had to go pick up her brother from the airport. I decided to leave because I started to feel sad so I had to get away. I left with her but the rest of our friends said we'd meet up at her house after the event was over. So me and her were talking and she asked if I thought my ex would go to the house I told her no and that I knew exactly what was gonna happen. I said he's gonna ask for me when they meet up to leave and they're gonna say I left and everyone is meeting up at your house and then he's gonna ask to get dropped off home.
She didn't think so but exactly what I said happened lol. So whatever we continued drinking and we end up sleeping over. His cousin which is my friend, she ended sleeping in our friends room and they had a spare room but one of the guys that had gone out with us took it and my ex's friends slept over too, one took the couch and the other took the other so me and my friend's brother were like ok so I guess pick a corner lol. My friend (his sister) then says she has an inflatable mattress and that we can use it so we ended up sleeping next to each other. Next to my ex's friends. We were talking and he asked if they would tell my ex I said I'm sure they are.
Now I knew there was a possibility of them telling him but I knew if they did my ex wasn't gonna say anything to me he was just gonna act mean to me and then get over it and have me guessing why he was being distant towards me or something. Well I was mistaken all that happened on friday/ Saturday morning so on Sunday I called him because our daughter wanted to speak to him. He ignored my call right away and texts me "?" And I reply saying you can't answer me? And sent him another one saying every time you start talking to some girl you start acting shady towards me. So then he replies saying if it's not about our daughter don't talk to me, talk to that one guy you had sex with in front of my friends. Then he sent another text saying I don't even care though I'm glad for you. I started laughing because I didn't expect him to snap at me I told him he was stupid that nothing happened I only slept next to him because I had no where else to sleep and that it didn't look like he didn't care but then I said but whatever I'm not gonna try to convince you you're gonna believe what you want.
I know what happened and that's all that matter. Nothing happened and his friends know that and he knows that. His friends then told my friend that they never said I had sex with him just that I slept next to him that that part he was adding on his own. Which I figured because he can be extra at times.
Month goes by without speaking because he's mad at me. He ended up getting over it and well a month ago I lost my job we were talking and well we've been cool he would talk to our daughter on the phone then he'd tell her to take care of me. We went to the zoo not so long ago and last week we were talking on the phone and he said that I don't have to be here at my house that I can go to his house to like live i didn't say anything I just changed the subject. But again he started ignoring me again. Well my texts messages because my calls he takes or if he misses one he calls me back. I feel like some girl is involved and that's what started having me go crazy.
To top it off I think it's this other girl I know and I'm cool with her. I feel like he's after her. I want to ask him but I'm scared of his answer. Kevin help. Why do you think I'm going crazy again?
Hi there,
I'm a first time writer.
I went through a break-up with my ex.
Followed your rules...
They appear to be working.
My ex suggested dinner. I gave it some time and responded by saying, "Maybe the four of us could go out?" As we use to double date a lot with her best friend and her boyfriend. I said that way it would be keeping it light and we wouldn't be the focus of the night.
Anyway, she's basically said she just wants it to be the two of us. I'm not so sure about this? I'd rather it was the four of us. What do you suggest?
I hope to hear from you.
Hey Scott,
If you have completed the no contact rule and you feel confident about it, then you should go. If you are not confident about it, tell her that you need some time and postpone it a week or two.
It's a good sign she wants to meet alone. As long as you don't do anything needy or desperate when you meet her, it'll probably work in your favor.
It worked. My ex dumped me with another. I was begging but wasn't worth. I disappeared for 2 months, during this period I was dating another and the day I was in the movies with my current baby she called saying she's been worried about me. And now she's been begging to be forgiven. Follow these rules on this website, give it at least 45 days. Good Luck.
Hey Kevin i post a comment nd i havent see any response nd also i already suscribed to your daily emails for NC help you think something is wrong?
Hey,
The comments here are heavily moderated and only very few of them are ever approved. I recommend you post on the message boards.
Hi Kevin. Really enjoyed reading your article.
I'm really confused about my girlfriend. Her mum doesn't approve of me, and that must have contributed to our breakup. Our relationship was strong for two and a half years, and I am quite sure she still loves me, even though she did kiss someone else before we broke up, I guess to help her out of the relationship. They are "friends" now, and still keep regular contact.
We've had sex after the breakup a couple of times and after about 5 weeks of torture I've finally decided to do the no contact. It's been about 6 days. She hasn't contacted me since, but always liked or commented my "happy" posts and other people's posts about me. She also comment (not directly to me) on posts where I've commented. I'm confused about her behaviour. Is she trying to tell me she doesn't care, or is she attention seeking? What is she thinking? And what should I do?
Hey Blake,
You are not really doing no contact if you are trying to decipher her actions on facebook. If you find yourself obsessing over her social media actions, then you should probably stay away from them for a while.
There could be many reasons for what she is doing. The most obvious will be that she is trying to get into your head. And I will say that she is doing this successfully.
Thanks Kevin!
So are you suggesting me to block her? I'm just so afraid that if I block her, she will just move on without trying to contact me again.
I really want her back.
Hey Kevin.
I agree with your article. And I'm in the stage of the contact part. However before reading this I have been texting with her. The last thing she said was this. ''All I ask is that you never come into the store if/when you find a new woman. Because I wont be able to control my reaction and emotions. And never come by my home and store"
I want more than anything to be with her but I also know even though is hard for me to accept that I need to give her at least 30 days. My question know is should I respond to her text? Should I say something like "I understand I'm sorry for causing you pain" I know it's not right but I also feel like saying absolutely nothing before I start this no contact rule. And well the place she works at is really close to my home, and I use to go there pretty frequently..
Hey David,
I don't think you need to send her any text for now. If she tries to contact you again, then tell her you need some space and time since the breakup has been hard on you.
hey there kevin i need some advice about getting my ex back. Well to sum it up we were talking a lot and it was long distance relationship (one hour with the train) but because of the distance we had to break up. The next day she called me crying saying that she didn't want to break up, so i took her back. We talked and then out of no were she started giving me short responses because of that i ignored her for three days in the hope she would act like she would. The last thing she said(crying) to me was "maybe this is a test from god and if we are meant to be then we will find each other again." and (we both said and meant this i hope) "you are the first i truly loved." When we broke up i was devastated but i didn't show it. I always kept thinking about and what could have been and sometimes I wonder how she is doing.
This was about one year ago and now i saw her instagram account and put in a follow request and she accepted it then I commented an emoji under her picture that hinted that she is beautiful but she didn't respond on anything. I mean she didn't comment back or message me or something. Then last night i had a dream about her and we were happy and I haven't been that happy in a longtime. When I woke I grabbed my phone and went on instagram that was the moment I saw she posted a new picture and that was when my heart started pounding very fast. I have been living a little bit dirty, I mean like dirty room, not shaving, not caring about my appearances but that day I cleaned my act up. I was thinking of messaging her tomorrow if I dreamt about her or if I got a clear sign. My mother came into room she comes by often talking or asking for help and then out of no were she asked me about that girl and said how is she doing? and are you two still talking but my mother didn't know her that wel she knew her name and they talked over the phone once because she thought I was a player and as proof that I was loyal I let her talk to my mother. So I don't know if I should message her or not because I keep thinking that she maybe moved on and isn't interested in me anymore. I don't want to cause her pain or trouble from an old wound but i truly love her and want her back in my live, she was the only who understands me even my family doesn't understand me that wel as her......
Hey,
If you think she is worth it, then you should follow the plan and contact her after no contact.
I would like do start off by saying that your article was really great and very inspiring. I really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, I don't believe that getting my ex back will work for me. We were friends for a few years and decided to start a relationship. We had a lot of arguing and fighting in it mostly about him and other women not necessarily dating now but just not respecting the relationship. Within those two years I've had 3 miscarriages after my third miscarriage he leaves Me 2 Days Later. I'll admit I broke every step you've stated. Anyhow,within a few days I see him with another woman after he said we could try do work things out but he felt confused.He wanted do work it out but a bigger part of him was telling him do let go.We argued that day on the 4th of this month about the woman and the miscarriage that I just had. He said some pretty foul and mean things And before i knew it we got into a really bad fight, he even made sure the girl was somewhere safe thinking that I might do something to her. it was then I realized how much he really must like her. He told me to forget everything that he said and that I would be able to move on to and that I could be sleeping with someone else just like him if I wasn't so focused on him.I can't even begin to explain the way that I felt without filling up this page. I've prayed and cried so much and the thought of it and how it ended makes me feel worse. But when i read that part of your article about knowing your ex about facebook,instagram, etc. I came to reality. I remember when i was with him he stayed in that stuff now since he's been seeing her he's never on it. And I couldn't even do the contact rule if I wanted to be changed his number and spends most of his time at her house. As I said it was a great article and I'm pretty sure it will help those whose relationship ended better than mines. Good luck and blessings to you all.
Hi !
My gf dumped me about 2 weeks ago. We had been together almost a year. Now she called me that that she has been thinking everything and want's to talk with me face to face. What should I do ?
My feelings are messed up and I don't know what to do or think.
Hey Jack,
Tell her that you need some space and time to think things through and regain your composure as the breakup has been hard for you. Tell her that you will contact her when you feel you can talk to her comfortably. And then start no contact.
Ok thank you!
How should I contact her after the no contact ? Should I follow your rules or should I write something and then read it to her face to face ?
Hey Jack,
I'd suggest you just text her after no contact using one of the methods mentioned in the article. If she still wants to meet up, she will bring it up.
Hello again and thank you for your advices! I just want to tell a bit more about my ex and our relationshin and what it meant to me so you can maby see the whole picture. She is a very religious person and music is her whole life while sports are my life and I'm not so religious. We were different yes, but for me it worked as a motivation. We learned so much from eachother all the time. When I had tough workout or workday and she was playing piano and singing it just comforted me and took all my stress away. We had strong connection because we came from so different backgrounds.
I have already realised what I did wrong in our relationship but it's so small compared what she did. We were out one night and she started to talk to other guy and ignored me entirely. Then she ofcourse got interested to that guy... And then she broke up with me. She is not with that other guy atm.
The thing is that I think she regrets what she did(I will see when I talk to her after the no contact), because there was alcohol included. All her friends told her not to break up but what hurts most is how good connection I had with her big family. Her mother texted me yesterday thanking me from everything and the time I spent with her daughter... It hurt.
My ex also got letter that she didn't got into school week before our breakup. She had hard time. Maby she just didnt know what was the difference between breakup and taking own time and space since this was her first real relationship....
Hey Kevin,
Your article is great. I broke up with my fiance a month back. I chased him, begged him to come back, tried everything to convince him that I am the one but nothing worked. So I am gonna follow all these steps now.
Just wanted to ask that 2 weeks after the breakup, while I was trying to convince my ex of getting back together, He confessed that he has found someone else. My intuition as well as the frequency with which he checks his whatsapp suggest that he misses me. We are in no contact since 2 weeks. I am afraid if i'll stay in this no contact period for long, he will get more closer to that girl. What do you think I should do?
When we were together, he was deeply in love with me. Will he come back? Will he miss me?
I think 2 weeks is very soon for it to be a real relationship. I am pretty sure it's a rebound and it will end eventually.
Hi Kevin!
I'm subscribed to your daily email system, and thanks a lot for those emails. They are my source of encouragement to keep moving on.
I implemented the NC for 2 weeks then broke it by calling him because I decided that I wanted to end this hopeless try. However when I heard his voice, although it was cold and distant, I knew that I want this man in my life, that we can have a great future together if we try again. The only problem is that I'm a perfectionist, so sometimes I pay too much attention to details, and he's having a lot of problems going on in his life right now, so he has decided that he wants to be alone. I know we're still in love, but I don't know if it's feasible at all that I have a chance to get him back into my life, although I know that's the thing I most want now. Note we're living in different countries. LDR is the real challenge. Can you give me some advice?
Hey Jenna,
I think you should do no contact again and try again. Give him time to sort out his life and use that time to work on yourself and whatever issues that may be affecting your relationships. LDR is going to be a challenge, but if you worked through it before, you can make it work again if you are both willing to compromise.
Also, the reason you felt that way after hearing his voice might be because you ended no contact too soon. Perhaps this time you won't feel the same way.
Hello Kevin,
I've commented before on the whole breakup situation. We are still living together and he is moving out soon. When we are around each other it's like we are still together and he tells me that the space will still be good but he does want to be with me. I feel like seeing him and being the way we have been is very confusing. Am I doing more damage than good by hanging out with him even though he is still scared to commit back to the relationship?
Thank you
I don't think these steps help in a situation when you have children.I have two boys 5and 7 years old.
Recently broke up after 12 year relationship.
He is unable to get a job and does not and never contributed towards our children.
Recently because he's a very good looking man he got a new girlfriend(with two boys) and basically threw our friendship away.I may nor talk or phone unless it's serious about the children.even though I have financially supported him for years. Came back today from a long trip with the kids a dangerous road not even a ' did you arrive alright?' No concern whatever....??? So I am ignoring him ....even if this weekend was his...no concern??
Hey Laura,
It's best to do limited contact. Only talk to him if it's about children. You can read more about no contact and how to do it in your situation on this page.
Hi. I'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. Well he did the breaking up but we still live together. He found an apt and will be moving out soon. During the time of living together I stay at my mothers but every now and then go back to get clothes and run into him. Every time I see him I pressure him in to reassuring me that we have a chance in the future. He told me he also thinks I'm the one. He just needs space. I recently called him a bunch of times and he ignored me and told me I'm being too much. Do you think I pushed him away for good?
Thank you
You can still get him back if you follow the plan. You didn't push him away for good.
Thank you Kevin. I definitely didn't push him away. Every time we run into each other he tells me how much he misses me. And he thinks we will be back together. He told me yesterday he is getting cold feet about moving out but I told him he should go, and that it will make us better. He tells me he believes everything will work out between us. The only thing that drives me crazy is how he doesn't text me or communicate with me that often. Sometimes I feel like he is sending mixed signals. We were together for 2.5 years. Thank you
Hi Jennifer,
The fact that he doesn't text you can be used to your advantage. It will help you do no contact, focus on yourself and get some perspective.
Thank you Kevin. I will try my best to just focus on myself. It's extremely hard but it's getting better. I just feel like he will start to like living on his own and not being with me but I know it's just my mind going all over the place.
Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago after being on a month long break. Would the 30 day no contact rule still apply to me? He broke up with me because he was unhappy that we fought too much, since then I have realized I never want to fight with him again. He told me he still loves me and is in love with me.. But is sure he doesn't want to be together "for now".. What does this mean? Also, we work together, how would the 30 day no contact rule work? He also texts me from time to time and I don't know how to initiate the no contact rule. I do love him and I still want to be with him, and I'm freaking out on how to go about doing so. Thank you for your help.
Hi R,
You can initiate no contact by telling him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while. As for the work thing, read this article.
Hello Kevin,
It's really hard to not have contact at work because he's always touching my hair, throwing me hand written notes, talking to me, etc. I don't know what to do because I do want to be with him but I know it's too soon to get back together.
Hey,
Just tell him that you need some space and time and you will appreciate it if he limits contact in office to only professional matters.
Hi ,
I and my gf broke up now it's 20 days I miss her . It's being hard for me . Her last words were that are I don't feel the same as earlier. I know it was my mistake to fight with her. She is really a very loving and caring person.
I need your help.
Follow the plan Dhiraj.
Hi Kevin.
My ex fiancé of 9 months broke up with my four Days ago. He's 24 and I am 25.
This could be classed as the third time.. He broke up with me for a month twice and got back with me.. This time it was for four days then left me again.
As you can tell, I'm a mess. He's been telling other girls he likes them and asking girls out.
He states he is 100% sure he doesn't want me anymore and all I've done over the last few days is call, text and beg!
He says he still loves me but simply can't be with me anymore.
I'd do anything to win him back as he didn't give the second chance any time!
Please help!!!! What can I do.
Hey Naomi,
Follow the plan and make sure you do no contact for at least a month. If you have broken up three times, then the relationship is probably broken.
Hi Alicia,
Your post must have been approved by now. The first time someone posts on the boards, it needs to be manually approved by me to avoid spam.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my (now) ex have known each other for over a year. We first began dating when he was going through a divorce. We mutually decided we needed time away from one another until he figured out his life. Even after this was established, he would continue to often message me and flirt. I decided I needed some space to think about things and that I only wanted to be his friend.
3 months ago we began dating after he reached out to me. He was so excited about the prospect of a relationship. Unfortunately our timing was strange as my schedule and health issues created stressful times where I wouldn't be in the mood for anything. I wasn't happy with me. He must have picked up on this as he broke up with me last week, saying I wasn't what he wanted because we were so off beat. He said he understands we will never date again because of his decision. He wants to be friends.
I only called him once to understand what went wrong and since have initiated the no contact rule. He texted me saying hi and asking me how I am doing. I have not responded.
My plan is to move onto a happier me! But I do want to know if you think there is perchance a way to rekindle the romance and the relationship once I'm in a better place. I'm not expecting, just curious to know.
Thank you!
--Sophie
Hi Sohpie,
I can't really say if there's a chance, but if you think he is worth it, then it's definitely worth giving a shot. Just because he said both of you will never date again doesn't necessarily mean he will stick to those words forever. Do no contact and get back in touch with him. Maybe it'll work out this time.
Kevin you rock man!
Hey Kevin,
I left a detailed message last night how long does it take for them to be accepted on this forum?
Thanks so very much Kevin Your informations, suggestions...helped me a lot...
Thanks once again
So... I was in the No Contact Period and I kinda fucked it up. Last Sunday I got drunk and send her a lot of texts saying how much I loved her and she got upset, what should I do?
Start no contact again and this time focus on your well being and improving yourself. And try to avoid getting drunk this time.
My wife and I are going through a divorce. She moved out with my 2 daughters this past Friday. We've been married 13 years, together 15. We recently moved to TN so she could be close to her family. My parents told me moving here she'd probably try to divorce me because she has her family here. Before moving here we were in a state without any family at all.
Well, 6 months after moving her she filed. I think it was planned like my parents said. She says that I only care about myself and I took her granted and stopped trying. We also had trust issues and some communication issues. She had an affair 9 years ago and while I forgave her, sometimes I still bring it up.
Since she's moved out this past Friday, I've been over her place to see the kids every night although we did get into an argument last night and I only stayed for about 10 minutes. I came upon this website today and I've broken a couple big rules, I've texted her everyday since she's left and I've begged/bargained with her to tell me what to do to get her back and fix things. She told me today "she doesn't think it can be fixed". I have no friends or family here. I'm not used to being alone. I know I have somethings to work on. I think she has a lot resentment built up against me. I don't know how to fix this or where to begin? Any advice or help?
My biggest fear is she'll try to get back with me simply because she can't afford to live on here own. I want her to want to come back because she loves me, not because of money.
Hi John,
I am sorry you are going through this hard time. I think you should start with giving her space and taking some space for yourself. Meanwhile, contact a lawyer and be prepared for the worst. Secondly, start doing things that make you feel better and will make you get back in touch with yourself. If it's a new place, you can go on websites like Meetup to find activities that interest you. You can also work on whatever issues you had during the relationship that lead to the breakup. You can learn and improve on whatever issues you may have had.
I wish you best, and if you want to check out a program that focuses on all the things I mentioned above (except the lawyer bit and being prepared for divorce stuff), please visit our products page.
Hi,
I have been broke up for 4 weeks now.. he finished with me, it was kind of a shock as we are best friends and so in love, just had a few ordinary arguments about daily life.(this is were we struggled to make up as we are both stubborn) . we moved in a bit too quick and I think it all got on top of him, and that he maybe had a commitment issue, he says he loves me he just doesn't want the fighting, obviously there's more too it, cause you fight through the hard times?? I have been that needy texter and asking for closure.. do you think there is any hope if I start the no contact now??
Yes, there is definitely hope. Just follow the plan. And meanwhile, work on your communication skills and learn how to fight (argue) effectively in a relationship. I highly recommend the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
So my ex told a mutual friend he's almost lost all feelings now and it's been 2 weeks into the no contact time. He said he doesn't want to be back with me because he doesn't feel like we are meant for each other even though we both have been changing for the better. And out mutual fiends just tell both of us to move on..do you think I still have a chance?
Hey Mary,
People go through a lot of phases during no contact. Even though he may feel like that he doesn't want to be with the "old you" anymore, his views might change when he sees the new you. I suggest following the plan and give it one last try before calling it quits.
I don't know how to show him I changed though we don't have much mutual friend just a few and it's trough business only. I just wanna talk to him and tell him to give me a chance to show him I changed but I'm waiting for the no contact period to be over and I hope it all goes over naturally not like well let's talk now haha and thank you!!
It'll be best to not obsess over how you will contact him just now. For now, concentrate on yourself. When the time comes, you will figure it out. Good luck!!
My boyfriend gave me the silent treatment for almost a week, he just texted me this morning with sexual excitement moment we have in our lives . I DID TEXT him back and said Yeah it was amazing but not everything i loved is good for me. He hasn't respond yet. how can i approach him what should i said when he text me again .
Hey,
Follow the 5 Step Plan.
Hey wassup ?so me and this girl I loved so freaking much broke up and after reading your advice and tips. I've gotten a little bit sad. Mostly when I was reading the "what not to do" list.... bc I realized I did everything I could possibly do wrong after we broke up ? and some how she is still texting me... I think your 30 day thing is crazy bc it seems long asf but imma try it bc ur the only advice I got left. So thx and I hope this works....?
Hi Kevin, I was very active in the boards when Dave first broke up with me. It was a year and half ago. I moved on, he moved on, and we both dated other people and tried to be happy.
I messaged him out of the blue one day because I missed him (not necessarily to get back with him, but to see if he missed me). We had been texting since March, catching up, flirting a lot. He asked me to visit a couple of times, so one day, I spontaneously visited him (he lives in LA and I live in SFO, and I am a flight attendant, so easy for me to travel). When we met, it was like nothing had changed. We were laughing, having fun. Anyway, I think I fucked up because we ended up sleeping together (I didn't mean to, but I also wanted to know if our spark was there and it was).
But anyway, even before I met him, he told me that even though he dated other people (had a one year relationship, where he realized he wasn't as into her), that he wasn't ready for marriage or moving-in with anyone. He is still dealing with his divorce where he felt he was emotionally abused and he was with her for ten years. So his scars are deep.
But my question is, do I still have a chance or is he just tagging me along just because he can? He tells me he loves me, but he's still not ready to make space in his heart for just me. He says he still needs time to heal. We have talked about being friends, but I feel like I keep falling for him.
Please tell me whether or not I have a chance? The last time wev texted, I told him that I needed to draw a line of friendship because he would talk about sex and other intimate things about us from this time we met and from before.
Thanks!
Thanks to your advice and relationship rewind, I got my ex-back FOR GOOD! The no contact period is as crucial as Kevin says. You'll know when it's the right time to contact him, don't hurry...
Invest in yourself, become a better person, don't hate (well maybe a bit is ok at first) just grow. And remember, if something doesn't come back to you, it was never really yours in the first place.
Oh boy, do I need help.
Quick back story: I was with my ex for just over a year (let's call him Darrin). He worshipped the ground I walked on. He treated me so well he was perfect to me. And I fudged up.
About a month into our relationship an ex asked me to see him and I spent the weekend with him (let's call him Michael) and hid it from Darrin. Bad move. I never told him I did so and I kept it from him our entire relationship, I felt horrible but he would always say if I ever cheated he would leave so I was scared to say something.
About six months into our relationship he told me he cheated on me with his neighbors ex (let's call her Lauren) and I was so upset I asked him to never talk to her again and he abided. I thought about telling him then that I had cheated but decided against it as I thought it would make things worse.
Everything was good from there on out.
I spent the night at Darrin's Friday and it was just like any other night, we joked and has a good time it was our typical weekend ritual.
Saturday morning he dropped the bomb on me that during my exam week (2 weeks ago) he hung out with an ex and they were on substances and they ended up doing stuff ( not sleeping together but related things). I was so pissed off I ended up spilling the beans about Michael and what happened over a year ago. Darrin lost it, he was freaking out and once he calmed down he said we both messed up, want to just not tell anyone and move forward from here ? I agreed.
Well apparently he decided to tell all his friends and they must have put a ton of input into our relationship because that night he broke up with me saying it was probably best if we just ended it.
I have been a mess ever since.
I went last night to go pick up my stuff and he already had it packed and was being very very cold to me, not the sweet loving boy that I knew him to be.
Of course, I acted needy and tried to beg for him to work it out with me
But his only focus was how angry he was that I lied and I "held Lauren over his head" which I don't think is true, I didn't talk about it much after it happened.
I was in a crazy state, I asked him if I could stay on his couch until i calmed down because i didnt feel safe to drive ( he lives about 40 mins away) and I was having anxiety attacks and he said no I can sleep in my car. He just wasn't being himself. Very distant. He said he wants to be my friend and he will always be here for me if I need him and he still loves me and this was painful for him but our relationship isn't healthy and we can't keep hurting each other. I agree with this statement, but I feel like we can start a clean slate and try again.
Is there a chance if I follow your steps or is it hopeless ?
Sneaky Sign No. 3: Push/Pull Behavior
He is exactly in this stage
I was the one who left him but i want him back i love him and i see that he is the only person i left him 2 years ago and i went in an another relation ,he as well and after i have finished and he as well by months we started talking and texting and going out together but he is always saying that i am a sister then few days he says that he loves me then a sister :( but never stop going out caring seeing my mum and when i stop talking he calls and asks why i didnt
We r both 24
Hi Kevin,
I first read your article 3 years ago(2013). That was when the break up happened. And your article helped me a lot back then! Thanks for that :)
I WILL TRY TO MAKE THIS AS SHORT AS I CAN.
I know it's tiring for you to read these lengthy sad comments.. But it's a good thing that you're doing here..people benefit from this.
2013-14 events :
So,back to me.I followed the no contact rule..SIX months.I think I did everything as you said, but instead of texting her, I just 'bumped' into her to surprise her. That didn't turn out well. (Dec 2013)
Later on a series of events happened which weren't really positive but also weren't that negative either.
She called me the next day after I bumped into her and asked me politely not to call her at her landline again or not to come see her near her house because people who knew her would see. ( our community is a bit conservative when it comes to this) but I think the real reason is, it's not easy to face each other in public after all that happened between us. The positive from this was she was pretty nice to me while on phone whereas a few months before that she barely gave a crap about me (acted like she didnt care at all).
Nothing happened for a few months after this..we dint contact each other..the main reason being she blocked me from social media right after we broke up. I was the one who blocked her first because I hated her then for breaking my heart..later on she copied my idea.When I unblocked her,.. She blocked me.. Been 3 years and I'm still blocked lol.
NOV 2014: Nearly almost 1.5 years (no contact during that time) after I 'bumped' into her, she texts me asking me to call her. I ignored her text. She texts me the next day also. finally, she calls me. She asks me whether I have any of the pictures of us with me, If so I should delete them. But I think she just said that as a reason for her to talk to me. I said okay,I will delete. Then she tells me she's with someone now and I said okay. She asks me about my status and I said Im still single. She hangs up the phone. Calls me again after 5 mins. Tells me that she lied, she is still single. And this repeated for another 3-4 times. Then I thought maybe she wants to get back together.. Even I wanted to, so I told her..we can be friends if you want to and she said no! We should stay "blocked" I was like WtF! That is the moment when I lost all my will. I was moving on from her..she calls me again and comes into my life again.not really.
I tried to forget about all this and moved on with my life.
DEC 2014: HER BIRTHDAY MONTH.
I decided to wish her.. What could possible go wrong right? And I wished her.
Her dad calls me in return. I think I wished her in old mobile number which her dad was using then. I didn't knew that! She didn't tell me about that either.
He calls me and scolds me about how good a student she is,do not disturb her etc. I was like wtf. All I did was wish her happy birthday.
A few minutes later she calls me (crying) and tells me that how she was a minor when we had sex for the first time and how she could sue me or something like that. I was dumbfounded. Even I was a minor when we had sex. We were two horny teenagers who were in love. Although what She said about going to the cops and all was ridiculous,I don't blame her.. Emotions got the better of her..I know her..her parents probably verbally abused her that day..poor thing. It was her birthday and I ruined it for her even though all I did was wish her happy birthday. Life is weird.
It's her dad. He made her hate me more. I know it! I probably lost the love of my life cause of him.
2015: Nothing. No contact. No haunting memories. I really believed that I moved on.
2016 Jan: I got drunk and you know what happens when you're drunk and you talk about love. I drunk texted her. Didn't turn out well. She askes me to mind my life and let her be. I said I was drunk and I hate myself for being still miserable and thinking about her.
Seriously. I would have never done this.. But a stupid friend of mine kinda dared me..and when you're intoxicated,shit happens. Anyways deep inside, I think I knew that there was nothing more to be done..she is not coming back..I may as well drunk text her. What's the harm right!
Mar 2016: and here I am..almost 3 years after the break up with the only love of my life..still confused..still miserable..I'm not necessarily unhappy. What worries me is that during these 3 long years, I have dated 3 other women. I'm currently in a relationship too..yeah I know.. Im not doing her or myself any favour.
The thing is, none of these relationships has ever come even close to making me as happy as my one true love did! And I seriously think that I won't be able to fall in love again..I ve changed too much..Im not that lovey dovey, believer of God and love and all those good things that I used to be. I changed. A lot. But what's not changed is the way my heart beats when I see her.. Yeah she lives nearby..I see her sometimes when I go for a ride in my bike. (she won't see me).. She looks unhappy.. Maybe she is tired. Whatever it is,idk what to do..I honestly think that she is the only one who can make me commit again.
In these 3 years, I got in shape.. I got out of shape. Got fit. Got out of shape again. Currently I'm out of shape. Nice, right?
Nothing much has changed in my academics.. I lost the interest and determination I had..whereas she is doing pretty good with her studies.
But I will soon change that. Cause I have to. I'm not sulking here OK? And I don't blame it on the break up. I got poor at my studies because I got lazy..I made one very poor attempt to get her back and when it failed I kinda lost hope in other things too.
I'll overturn things. That's for sure. I ve never been a loser. Even though the past few months are against me.
So how can you help me? Tell me how I can get her back? Not instantaneously.. Possibly in a few months/years time so that we both are at the right age for a marriage. Yeah.. See..if im making this much of an effort to get her back after 3 years,it's to keep her forever! I don't want to stay unhappy and hurt these other girls cause I can't commit to them..I tried..but I couldn't.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I KNOW ITS PRETTY DIFFICULT SINCE 3 YEARS HAS PASSED..BUT I HONESTLY THINK SHE CANT FORGET/DELETE THOSE MEMORIES EASILY..WHICH IS TO MY ADVANTAGE..I WAS HER FIRST LOVE...WE HAD SEX WHEN WE WERE 16..A LOT. CONTINUED DOING THAT TILL WE BROKE UP(SOME MAY FIND IT INSIGNIFICANT,BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IS IS A LOT SIGNIFACT CAUSE THOSE MEMORIES NEVER GO AWAY)..I JUST WANT US TO BE BACK I THINK..SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE ME FEEL COMPLETE. and,i have only 1 year left to act! she will be in her final year of college soon,she will leave town after that term probably..then it might be too late :( i know im not perfect but im willing to do whatever it takes..the sad thing is i dont know what she thinks about me now..so.,
I'm 21 and she is 20 currently. March 2016.
Dude, you need to get over her! She sounds like a crazy ***** anyway... In this scenario, I think it is best to get your mind around that you are not meant for each other. You are in your best age, there are so many girls out there. Go be the best side of yourself, you will find a new girl soon. True love is what you make it to be.
haha Thank you..almost a month after that comment,i'm reading my comment and your reply and i feel so f**kin embarrassed lol,
i don't know man..27 out of 30 days a month,she doesn't even cross my mind..but there are certain days when i get deep with the past,get all depressed and whine lol but the rest of the stuff i said about my struggles with committing myself with others is a real issue. It can't be good :(
Thank-you btw..you're a dime! Assurance from someone who knows what they're talking about is one of the greatest feelings. What goes wrong when i talk about this stuff with my friends is that they are just as clue less as i am and also i'm ashamed to tell them that i still think about her lol.
i'm actually not loling btw. but i think you already know that. thanks bro. And you sure that i should forget about her? maybe i should give it a final shot after a few years once i'm old enough? desperation,i know. Thats cause i'm scarred for life.
True love is what you make it to be.i like that..will come in handy one day xD No wonder you're doing such a brilliant job here
I know how you feel, hell i am currently in about the same postion you are in. I understand why you did these things and maybe in the future I will make the same mistakes. I already made one dating other woman to try and fill the void she left behind...
to look for someone who is like her and who will make you happy. you feel lonely and trie to hide behind the alcohol and drugs(for me that was the problem)
but i think that if you give her time and space that she will come around but that don't talk to her for real.
Despite what some people might be saying that she is bad for you and you should get over her, I am here to tell you if your heart truly desires her that you can get back together with her and that you should have hope
if it means something to you me ex's birthday (who i am trying to get back) is also in december
He broke with me (not the first time) and he said this time was for good. He doesnt have Facebook but his father has, and i deleted his father. After 3 days his father requested my friendship on Facebook. Except trying to see what's new on my Facebook, do you think he is trying to prepare his comeback? ( he broke up with me 1 week ago).
Hey Kevin ..
I want to share my story with you ...
3 monthes ago .. I met this amazing guy .. And he asked me out .. And I agreed .. We started dating .. And everything was perfect .. He introduced me to his sister .. His friends .. And thongs were going amazing ..
But ..
Here's what happened ..
On our first date .. I asked him to take things slow .. "He was very happy that we started dating .. He had a crush on me one month before he had the courage to ask me out .. So he wanted to make our relationship official .. Which is a good thing in my country "
So .. I told him that I need time to know him better ...
So .. This guy Is the CEO of a company here .. And he's really busy all the time ..
So at the beginning .. He used to turn off his cell phone when we're together .. So later I told him that it's ok for me of he answered it when we are together .. And that we should find a way to work things out between me and his work .. He agreed ..
Later .. He was behind the schedule for his work .. He was alomst fired .. He had to go out of town for a week .. And I wasn't ok with that .. I started to feel like there's a distance between us ..
So .. As soon as he get back .. We went on a date .. And I told him what i felt .. He told me that I'm crazy .. And he's in love with me .. We had a little argument "our first one " and i told him that it's ok .. And that we are only getting to know each other.. Then he had to go to a meeting .. So we agreed to talk about what happened later .. But he asked me if I want to take a break .. I told him no .. He told me that he's happy for this .. And he was afraid that i was going to say yes ..
Next morning .. He told me that he needed a break because he's really stressed at work .. And he had a big meeting with our first lady later that week .. I was ok with that .. And wished him good luck ..
So .. Every day I used to talk to him on the phone for 2 minutes max .. To check on him ..
He was out of town for 10 days .. And we barel talked .. When he was back .. He called me and asked me out for a movie ..I said ok .. During the movie .. He wasn't happy and he checked he's phone every 5 minutes "he told me he was waitng for a call " ..
At last .. I couldn't take it any more .. And told him that there's something wrong between us and that he had changed ..
He told me that there is a problem and he was running from it because he is still stressed at work .. And that he changed because I told him on our fight that we're only getting to know each other .. Which he took it as if I don't considere him as my boyfriend "i never told him that i love him .. But we spent Valentin day together " .. And he was waiting for me to do something after our first fight "I was really childish .. It was mostly my fault "
So .. He told me as a joke that he's thinking of taking a break from us ..so I told him to do whatever he wants .. He got really mad .. And shoked from my arespond And he told me to go home ..
Next day .. He called me .. And told me that we should take a break .. To get to know each other better ..and that he wants us to stay friends for now .. And .. I agreed ..
But .. It's been a week now .. And he never called :(
So that's my story .. What do you think?
And what should I do?
And plz .. Can you tell me if I am on drift or shift stage?
All I want to say "thanx" Kevin :)
Hey Kevin!!!
My ex and I had one year relationship and then she suddenly left without saying anything ended every mean of communication and after 6 months she contacted me and we both continue our relation. After this, for 3 months we have a mixed type of relation in which we had love moments and we had serious argues on difference of ideas on certain things. After these three months she left again by text me that “we can’t work this out. I really love you but if we get together we always hurt each other. To avoid this I don’t want this relationship and don’t want to talk about it.” It has been three months and we haven’t talked with each other, she sent me a new year’s eve message on 31 December recently. I haven’t replied her.
I am really confused right now that if she is right for me or not I really missed her sometimes and want to text her but I know her response would be dry that will hurt me. So, should I ger her back? Is this right for me?? (because by stalking her facebook profile I have realized that she has not got any change after the breakup) or if I should get her back? So What will I do then because we haven’t talked to each other for three months
Please help me out I really want your help…….. Reply me plz
I want to take your advice further through e-mail. Can I?
Am glad your so helpful,made me feel relief
Hi kevin!
Thanks a lot for the tips. I actually read them after the 30 day no contact, and then realized that i did what you said to do before i even read them.
Im feeling happy, im smiling more, and being more sociable with people around me.
Me and my ex broke up mid feb because of 'age difference'. Well it was kind of a secret relationship, he didnt want to tell anyone due to the fact that he's a bit old for me. Anyway, i met him 1 month after he broke up with his ex. So i guess that our relationship was a rebound relationship. But 2 days after we 'broke' up, he told me he was seeing another girl.
1 day later, i saw him, and he told me how much he loves me and how bothered he is from the feelings he still has for me.
After our breakup, he unfriended me from facebook and unfollowed me from instagram; the reason? No one knows, apparently he was mad at me for something i did which i dont know what it was...
Approximately a month later, he starts talking to me again, and started showing interest while he's talking to that other girl. He asked to see me and go have dinner or watch a movie together.
This guy seems confused and im confused. I do miss him, a lot, cant deny that, but im not sure if i still love him. I think i recovered from the break up, and i am feeling awesome (as i already stated in the beginning of my comment)
Thanks again kevin!
Sarah
THIS SYSTEM WORKS. This is an excellent step-by-step guide to regaining your ex and your confidence. I found this site a year ago after a pitiful "How do I get my ex back?" Google search.
For everyone out there in the NC Zone, I want to add one thing: DO NOT, FOR ANY REASON, LOOK AT THE EX'S FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER, TUMBLER, VINE, ETC. If they haven't deleted you, delete & block them. Checking out the ex's FaceBook page is certain to end with you feeling depressed, hurt, and hopeless. To some, the idea of deleting and blocking the ex from your social media may sound harsh. Remember, this is the person that broke your heart and walked away from everything you shared. Right now, they don't care. Besides, this is FOR YOUR benefit, not theirs.
While in the NC Zone, give your FaceBook/Instagram a makeover. You're eating healthy, working out, you changed your hairstyle and got highlights, you've reconnected with old friends, maybe made a few new ones, and you've gone on a few casual dates. You look amazing! You've risen above the self-pity and taken control of your life! Be proud of that! Take tons of selfies, take pics with your friends, take a pic with a hot guy/girl you met. Post those babies proudly! Post inspirational quotes. Spend a weekend in Vegas with your best friend, take a zillion pics, & create a new album.
Once you've successfully graduated from the NC Zone, unblock the ex from all your social media. Set everything you want them to see to "public." DO NOT send the ex add requests or friend requests; believe me, you'll get ones from them. The ex will be blown away when you suddenly reappear on FaceBook, looking gorgeous, fit, and healthy, and, if your ex is anything like mine was, stunned that you didn't curl up and die.
This system worked for me. My ex-boyfriend, who had quite cruelly dumped me because he "needed to go in a different direction." I had no idea the break-up was coming; it was devastating. We'd been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. Yes, he came back to me. But I didn't want need him anymore. You see, during the NC Zone, which was 60 days for me, I worked out like a fiend (it was the only thing that took the pain away,) started seeing a therapist, and reached out to the friends I had previously neglected- my relationship with my ex was very codependent- and several close friends had been nearly lost as a result. I visited my best friend in Hawaii, and spent a week lying on the beach and hiking the amazing waterfalls of Hawi. I went to Vegas with 3 of my girlfriends, and we'd so much fun. That was the thing- I had previously made my boyfriend the center of my life. I had forgotten about me. And I had a huge surge in confidence after losing 15 lbs and realizing I had a better body at 27 then I did at 17.
Hey Kellie,
Thanks a lot for your comment and sharing your story. I appreciate it.
Please can I get in touch with you. This has inspired me and I really need someone like this to help me out. Can I ask how long did you feel bad for in that 60 days and when did he message you? My situation is complicated but after three months on and off since the break up I've now finally gone 30 days no contact but definitely need more because I'm still obsessive over him. How did you stop being and didn't you feel bad during that time? No matter how hard I try I still feel awful
I have posted several comments but cant seem to find them lol? i am really in need of some help!?
Hey Jennifer. The comment section on this page is no longer active. Please post on the message boards.
Is the ex factor guide really needed to do this plan or it just a complement ??
It definitely helps. But it's not necessary.
May God bless ur wrk,hope 2 read more of dis again tanx
Hi Kevin, its Kasey.. I used your methods and got my ex back.. Mostly the no contact rules... Thanks much
hi I'm Miguel I have a question can this article also apply if you have a baby together?
Yes, read this article to find out how to apply no contact in this case.
I belive in u and i think it will work for me
Hi kevin,
Am Maria 21 from England,my boyfriend of a year just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant.I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don't seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again.Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day's classes ,my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time.Generally he is a very nice guy ,he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along.He is right we've been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change exactly what you said in your article not to ring him non stop.I think am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with.I'm still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe.He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy,he is supportive with it but it's not fair on me him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy.I have stumbled across your article and immediately felt 1000 times better.I want to do this steps coz I want him back.Is it possible for a pregnant lady to follow these steps as well as I worry he will start texting me asking how the bump is doing and my emotions will come back.Please help I really really need your advice many thanks.
Maria
This is great. thanks :)
Hello Kevin,
So I'm coming down to the conclusion of just leaving him. There isn't enough changes or should I say any changes for me to stay in a relationship that I already know how it's gonna end. Which is me hurt and crying.
I've tried to make it work but being in this relationship is making me lose myself again. I'm taking steps back and I just feel I'm being held back. Although I'll take full responsibility for that since it is my life and no one should be able to have that control over me.
I want to feel how I did when I was single which was free. I felt more independent than I do now. And I don't mean free and independent as in I can go be with an guy but as in I had full control of my life. Yes there were times I was miserable from the heartbreak but I had my sanity and most importantly I had myself.
Now I feel like I'm back to square one where all my attention is for him and I'm always paranoid he's doing something. I'm acting like the clingy girlfriend that just needs him. I'm showing the unattractive side of me and to be honest I hate it. It makes me seem insecure but it's not fully insecurity because I know I'm not unattractive, my confidence had gone up a lot but I guess in a way it is going down.
I feel like he's still stuck on his ex and is just with me to not be alone or I don't know his reasons to be honest because his ex has messaged him so they can be together if they want but why keep me around? I just don't want to be in anyone's shadows or be made a fool again.
Like I mentioned seems like the best thing to do is leave this relationship. It's not a new one it's the same one we had right before we split. The changes lasted 3 days after that it's starting to go back to how things were. We said we'd take it slow but now I can't even figure out what that even means? It's so easy to fall back when you have so much history but we agreed to try and to take things slow but again, I don't know what that means. Help Kevin please.
Hey e.p.,
It might be a good idea to end the relationship. We all crave a sense of security in a relationship. A healthy relationship should make you feel secure. A relationship should help you grow and become a more confident individual. It seems a relationship with him is having the exact opposite effect. It's not you that are insecure, it's the relationship and his behavior that is making you insecure. It seems that he has not made any effort to help you feel secure and nurture the relationship. Especially since he has betrayed you so many times in the past, it will require a lot of effort from him and you both to turn this into a healthy, trusting and loving relationship. And to be honest, I don't think he ever will be mature enough to put in that effort. I agree with you, that it might be the best thing to leave the relationship. But if you truly want to give it one last chance, try couples counseling. A good counselor will give you the tools you need to rebuild the trust and the sense of security in the relationship. But from what you have told me about him till now, I wouldn't put too much hope in it.
Thank you Kevin. I never considered couples counseling since I'm sure he most likely wouldn't do it. But I might just throw out on the table see how far is he willing to go for our relationship. If he can't do that then there's really nothing else I can do but leave. If he doesn't put the work then nothing will change.
Hi Kevin,
It's almost 2 years since I broke up with my ex. And after reading your post I just realized I made every single mistake that you've mentioned including going in a rebound relation (I was a fool). I used to wonder where I was going wrong, but now I know.
So now from today onwards I'll be following your NO CONTACT rule. Wish me luck.
Love your post btw.. :)
Happy new year 2016... Hope this year turns out good..
Hi Kevin is this website still active?
Carrie
The forum section of the website is quite active.
Thank you very much for this wonderful page.
It's food for my thoughts and it made me realize how foolish I had been acting!
Hey Kevin! Just wanted to give you an update and ask you a question.
So I followed your emails and they have help very much, as usual.
And miraculously, she called and told me she missed me! I told her that was nice and we talked for just a little bit.
And okay...I may have told her about the fight I had in school. But that was it. The rest of the conversation was all about her and what she did for Black Friday. She also told me that she's going to get me a Christmas gift. I told her I would do the same.
I then told her I had to go and that maybe we could talk again if she wanted to. Now I know I probably shouldn't promise her that and it will stop if she ever calls me again.
So now that she's called and I haven't called her back...should I write her the letter? Is she at the stage that Relationship Rewind calls the "different" stage? If she is, what exactly does that mean? Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing?
Dear Kevin,
I hope this works. I'll give all my efforts to be with him once again. And it's not simply because I love him or I can't live without him. It's because our relationship is way beyond romantic conversations and makeouts. It adds a different dimension to my life. And he's not just a boyfriend. He's been a lot more. I don't want to let go of him.
Please help.
Thank you.
hello kelvin
glad to see a nice and detailed post
it helped me alot thank you
keep the divine work going
Hello Kevin,
Just thought I'd give an update. So remember I mentioned that we had tickets to some event but we were going in a group? Okay well that was on the 30th of October, he kept following me around the event and I ended up getting drunk so he was taking care of me. We didn't kiss or anything we just hung out kind of lol anyways I was dressed as a bride since it was a Halloween event and some people actually thought I had got married so there was a point where some guy congratulated me and asked him did you guys get married? I nodded my head no but he nodded yes. The guy then congratulated him too.
He then would hug me at random times but I'd pull away cause I knew too much closeness would mean trouble. So the event ended and no one was okay to drive but we had a friend that lived close and said for everyone to sleepover his house. We all did. Everyone had fell asleep and only me and him were awake. We were watching TV and he was on some couch chair and I was at the corner of the bed since everyone had made there own spot on the bed.
He then said I would sleep where he was that it was really comfortable and that he'd sleep on the other couch on the other side of the room. I ended up laying down and fell asleep. When I woke up I had a text message from him saying come sleep with me. That was at like 6 something a.m. I saw it like a hour later. I went back to sleep since everyone was still asleep. Maybe like 2 hours later I woke up again & then so did some other people we then woke him up to open the gate for us and we left. He stayed. On my way he texted me saying "you should've stayed we could've been eating right now" I then said " you should've said something " he then replied "I love you " "thank you for not giving up on me. I know there's no one else that loves more than you" he then started telling me he wanted his family back etc.
I've been hanging out with him but I'm starting to see it's not gonna go far. He's still not ready. He hasn't changed not one bit or at least he hasn't showed me that he has. He's making me realize that letting him go is probably for the best. Our daughter is happy that she sees us together but I can't fake a relationship again. I still love him but I feel like I'm just going to waste my time and hurt myself. Maybe he still needs more time or maybe he's just not for me. Where I love him so much but I can only love him from afar.
Plizzzzzz dont do that .Stay with him you had time (during thé NC)to judge if hé was good or not. You should rather change your way of accepting his weaknesses he Will change as hé sees you love him more. I think love isnt about what he offers you but rather what you offer him as support. Stay cool and if a Christian then pray .Do that for your family. Du courage like they say in french
Well we never truly got to do no contact since we have a kid together but I showed him all my support, my love and everything but he doesn't care it seems like he just doesn't want to be alone. He seems to still be in love with his ex. I'm just hurting myself by staying in this relationship.
I've told him many times I'm his partner not his enemy I've showed him that I'll always have his back and he knows it considering the fact he texted me saying thank you for not giving up on me I know there's no one that loves me like you. So if he knows this why still jeopardize losing me. He's acting like he did right before we split.
Hey e.p.,
That's a very interesting update. Now that you know that he wants you back, you are able to think clearly and rationally if he would make a good life partner. While he was away and didn't show any interest in you, you were clouded by your emotions and perhaps had the mindset of a hopeless romantic.
Whether or not you should be with him is a decision only you can make and I am sure you will make the right one. I suggest you talk to him clearly about what you expect from him and what changes you want to see in him if he wants to make the relationship with you work. Give him some time to make those changes and if he doesn't, you should move on. If you think he already had enough time to make those changes and you don't see any hope, then you should move on.
@Jay N.
Thank you. My life is a roller coaster. You're right as long as you follow your heart you could never be unhappy.
It's really working fine, it's seems terribly wrong to act so ar first, but it does work. I made huge mistake, I talked to my ex's friend to get little more information and then also mentioned my plan(this one here), it was going exactly as should have been, but then her friend told her about that and now this plan is fucked and my chances gone forever probably, don't make the same mistake! Could I possibly have any chances? Probably not?
Hi Kevin
Me and my girlfriend are going throught a really hard time. We are together for 3 and a half year. So at the moment she "dont konw" if she wants something from me, we had no sex for half year! On the other hand shes calling me everyday, cause she cant live without me. I feel used but I dont wana loose that girl. What kind of realationship is this? Do you have some advise what i can do?
Nice greets from Austria
Hey,
It's very hard to know, maybe you should try outsomething new? I am actually not sure. Don't be doormat, but treat her good. Try to make her be sure that you are the one she needs!
I hope everything will work out!
Yes trying out new stuff sounds nice... At the moment I am trying to ignore her, not answering her calls and textes, so she gets the feeling how it would be without me... Its rude but maybe it helps... I just dont know anymore... what else can I do to give her the feeling that I am the one?
Thank you. This article works like a charm. Man you're a love guru. <3
Me and my ex were together for two years. He received a higher paying job offer in PA (we're in CA) so he moved over there. We continued talking but he started dating a new girl. After only three or four months he told me he got engaged. I have said everything I need to say to him. Our relationship had started worsening as we began arguing a lot etc. He told me that he has moved on and I should just not talk to him any more. We always agreed once one of us got married we would stop talking.
I was thinking of doing NC for a few months. I am not sure how effective it would be since he is getting married though. What do you think?
BTW the whole thing seemed suspicious to me so I said I hoped she weren't a rebound. He is known for having rebound relationships in the past. But he insisted, no, she's the real deal.
I think its still necessary. Kévin tells us that NC is not only to make him miss you but also for you to regain self confidence. To go back to your shelf and get more sure of your décisions.
Your Plan work wonderful. me and my ex are now back together.
Hey Kevin,
I feel in such a dark place again. I think now that we're close again like we talk & see each other some what a lot it's made me go crazy. It gets to me that I can't hug him or nothing. That I can't have him. I think I'm at this stage where I want what I can't have.
I ended up deactivating my Facebook and Instagram account because I really didn't want to keep seeing things he was posting on that girls statuses or pictures. I have her as a friend so I didn't want to keep seeing that and then get curious and look him up. I'm going crazy.
I know I'm still in love with him and it's not just a feeling of rejection. But I also noticed that no matter how much I love him or even if he wanted to get with me right now it wouldn't work out. He hasn't changed. He's still the same, he's still being that immature 21 year old.
I think that's what hurts the most that he's not ready not does he care to be ready for me. Could be because hes sure I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to continue waiting for him. Which is my mistake for allowing him to think and believe that and well in some way confirming that to him with my actions.
He has no fear of losing me because he knows he won't. Do you think if he starts seeing or knowing that I'm talking to another guys or going out on dates he'll start trying or at least start feeling fear of losing me?
It's been 11 months since we broke up almost a year. I know it's about that time I let it go and move on. We still have a Halloween event we're going to together, well in a group, should I try to test his jealousy? Maybe if he sees me talking to a guy or at least guy hit on me see how he reacts? I know I'm playing a childish game but I would like to know if he's even bothered by it.
I feel like that I'll know his feelings towards me if there's even any left. At times I feel it but then there's times I don't that's why I'm confused. Anyways HELP please!
Hey so today his mom told me that my ex was telling her that he was planning to change his car in and get a new one and put the new one under my name. I don't know why. He can just put it under his mom's or sister's but why choose me? Maybe because I have no bad driving record since I don't drive? He can't put it under his name since he got his license taken away. Why give me that power over him in a way. I don't know if he's doing it so I can be driving him around. Everyday I'm more confused.
I also started to talk to a new guy and then I find this out. I still love my ex but I feel like I should continue to allow myself to see how it goes with this new guy. Like I said everyday I'm more confused. I wish it was my ex who I text with and that it's my ex who tells me sweet things but it's not. Ugh! Help please
He still trusts you and thinks of you as family. It's a good sign, but I guess it will just make things more confusing. He is still immature and not ready to give you what you want. And there is absolutely no sign of him changing anytime soon. I think you shouldn't expect anything from him. I know it can be hard since you to have to interact with each other and be in each other's life. I guess you will just have to learn to live with it and not expect anything from him.
Yeah I am more confused. His mom was even confused as to why put it under my name. She even said I think he wants you to be driving him around or I don't know why put it under your name.
Yeah its clear to me too that he's not ready to give me the relationship I want right now. He's still into getting girls. He wants to continue having fun. I do have to learn how to live with that. It's been a hard process but I need to learn to not take anything he does right now serious.
Nothing matters right now since we're both single.
Hey E.P., your comments are very few interesting to read. I've stayed up at the 3 am in the morning to read your comments. Remember, stories have happy endings if you just follow your heart and do what's right :)
Hello Kevin,haven't heard from my ex for 5 months.The reason i am writing is because she has a birthday in 10 days and i'm not sure if i should even greet her or not.Also i noticed that we are still friends in fb and she uploads some photos ,but she hides them from me.What be could the reason for that.Why would she want to keep me as friend and hide pics .
Thank you,Stoyan
What do you do when you have a child together along with a new business. This requires daily contact all of the time.
Read this article.
Hi Kevin,
This is not personally related to my relationship and breakup problems. I just find your advice inconsistent with the "Relationship Rewind" advice given by Ryan. On your site, you suggest to go through a 30 day NC period. However, Ryan says that he doesn't believe in NC, and that it's a very "obsolete" method to use in getting a relationship back together. He suggests reaching out to them when you can, so you can show that you still care about them in some sense. I'm not sure if I'm just misunderstanding, but it's confusing as to which method to use properly. Could you please clarify? Thank you so much for your time.
Hey kevin,
I wanted to let you know that I sent the letter finally. After telling you about it, I sent it a few weeks later, all the way to alaska. He's had it about a week now, and traveling to europe. I don't have any expectations but I am unsure if I should attempt to text him at all. What do you think?
Hey Kevin, that was a really good one thanks a lot u made me feel much lighter n it helped me control myself I hope ur guidance help me as well thank u once agin
I read your guidelines on How to get your ex back and I am interested in receiving your daily emails. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Thanks so much!
Lisa Thompson Roussel
Hey again kevin.
I wished her a good birthday and asked about her life and uni but she was so cold and short answers ... What should i do when she is short texting me and it seems like she dont want a conversation !!! :( should i stop texting or should i try and call her or what do u think .. I need your answer .. Thanx.
Do no contact again for at least two weeks (preferably a month). This time, send her the letter or email as mentioned in Step 4. Wait another one week and text her again.
Hey kevin. Today i just discovered that she blocked me from every where !!! Just suddenly. But i swear i know she loved me i dont know now whats happening !! Am so disappointed but am hating on her now acctually .. Cuz i was so nice and i cared acctually i cared about every thing she loved ( her sis, bro, friends, even her cusins ). I loved every thing she loved. I did what no one would do to her then she just blocks me !!! What ? Is she sick or fake or why would any one do that to someone who loves them. Actually i dont know what to do but i think i should move on ? Or just wait or make a no contact rule but longer like 6 months !! I dont know i need a good advice from you and am sorry for annoying you
If you were doing no contact, she might have blocked you out of anger. It doesn't really change anything. I will still recommend sending the email or the letter as I suggested in my previous comment.
Hi Kevin.
I need to ask do I need to go through the no contact rule before I subscribe for part 5. Because I don't think I read it properly?
No, you don't. In fact, Step 5 will help you go through no contact.
Hello Kevin
So last time I posted I was telling you on how he had asked me to hangout and how he was watching our daughter while I worked and he was sometimes giving me rides to work and picking me up. Well since that last comment he's been doing it a lot.
I've been seeing him a lot and every time he picks me up from work he takes me to his house. Except the last time I saw him cause I told him to drop me off home. Anyways, so he picks me up and takes me to his house but he drops me off cause majority of time he goes to pick up his friend to hangout.
The last time I was there I told him if he can give me the car seat cause he always takes long to come back and I didn't want to be staying so late cause Im tired and well cause I have work. He was like I'm not gonna take long it'll be quick I'm just gonna go to my friend's house. I was like you always say that and he was like you don't have anything to do at home but he said giggling. I then told him yes I do I have work, I need rest and I also said it giggling.
He then said I'll be back fast for real. Of course that didn't happen. He came back but later. I called him to tell him if he can take us home already cause I was tired and had work the next day. He then came for me and my daughter and then when I put her in the car she was crying. She wanted to sleepover.
He then told me why don't I just leave her and I told him who's gonna watch her when everyone here is going to work tomorrow he said I'll watch her or why don't you stay here? But then quickly added You can stay with my mom and I was like, like sleepover? And he said yeah, you can stay with my mom (in her room) I just nodded my head no and said I can't stay I have to go.
He then gave me a look like why not? But then his look became something else. I don't know hard to explain. We seem to get along perfectly but the love is still there for him.
It's clear he's not giving me any clear sign even him asking me to sleepover doesn't mean he want me but why ask me to? Kevin I need some help.
I'm assuming do no contact?
He's showing signs of when a guy is hurt and starts hitting on girls to heal the pain. I have this girl on facebook who I'm friends with and so is he. He's been kind of hitting on her and she's been ignoring him(she knew him before me but know that's my ex). Anyways he's kind of pushing it like he's hoping she continues it so he can't hit on her more and maybe get lucky with her.
Well I don't know if she's replying to him through messages cause I'm sure he messaged her already; flirting and stuff but through comments she ignores him. Well now I feel his attitude has changed towards me like now he's being distant again and kind of cutting me off.
It hurts because I feel like he used me as someone to have around meanwhile he found girls to hit on. I don't know. He's starting to act like when we first broke up and I don't mean towards me I mean like hitting on girls trying to get laid (sorry to say it like that).
He just talks to them for fun and then leaves them and then after some time he's ready for a relationship again. Well that just happened once but I mean he's showing the same behavior in a way. Yes it worries me a bit cause what if he ends up finding another girl but at the same time I'm trying so hard to ignore it all cause its not my problem.
I guess I just thought he enjoyed my company and was maybe growing his feelings back towards me by the way he'd look at me but I was mistaken. I was hoping he had realized his mistake. But like you said he knows he hasn't lost me so he doesn't care cause he's sure I'm not going anywhere.
Also we have tickets to go to a music festival together the day before Halloween. I don't know what to think or do. I was thinking no contact maybe. Maybe until like 2 weeks before the music festival, start talking to him a bit since we do have tickets to go together. Kevin please help me!
Yes, I will recommend no contact. Your emotions are still dependent on him. And you are still obsessing over his actions. It has been a long time since the breakup but it seems you never learned to stop obsessing over him and his actions. I suggest you do that and cut him off from everywhere so you are not able to see what he is doing. I think it's important that you get a break from him and just be with yourself for a while.
I don't have him on any social media. I have the girl and that's where I saw it. I do need a break. I need to learn to not over think any of his actions. It just bothers me that I don't know what he is truly thinking so it makes me curious. I just need to learn to ignore him again and continue with my life. Thank you
I did comment like 8 times ... And every and each time i stay half an hour writing then when i submit it it never appears !!!!!
Hi,
I am sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I rarely approve a new comment anymore. Please post your question on the message boards.
Hey brother,
Oki i did posted it there and I wanted to ask and i wish u answer me.
.
1- me and my ex brooked up 5 months ago .. We talked normal and texted each other but then we had a fight and i hurt her and she hurt me ...then she said i dont want to talk to we have to stop and i dont have any feeling to u and there is no hope to be together again... But i know i love her and she does .. But i still have hope so i tried the no contact rule like for 1.5 months i didnt talk to her .. But her birth day is after 2 days should i do any action or a letter or i dont need to appear plus she traveled to study outside in another country and she is coming after 3 months.
.
2- in the no contact days should i delete and block her from facebook and instagram and snapchat? Or just ignore her and dont talk to her on these apps but i will be visible for her. .and she blocked me from snap but not from instagram i dont what the hell was that !!
Thanx sooo much
1. You can send her a small text if you want. But it's not necessary. If you decide to text her, keep it short and to the point.
2. Don't block her, but don't stalk her social media profiles either. Don't let it become an obsession.
But i already finished 45 days with no contact !!! Isnt it a good time to start trying to get her back ?
If you've finished no contact, then yes, you should contact her and try to get her back. Follow Step 4. You can wish her on her birthday and try to chat.
Dear Kevin,
I am now doing the doing the no contact rule. And what should i do during this time? And what should i text her? you know, i don't want to be a stupid guy texting the wrong message. So can you help me please?...
Best regards,
James
Follow the plan James.
Hello Kevin I hope that you can help me out cause I really need some advice. I know it's pretty long but please bare with me. So my ex girlfriend and I broke up about a little over a year ago. We were together for 6 and a half years. It was a "break" turned break up. I made all those mistakes post break up. After a couple months I did no contact and came back from no contact completely wrong and failed miserably. A little later we tried to be friends but she said it was getting hard because she was "talking" to someone and she was "torn" I guess between the two.
I went back to no contact a couple of months. I came back from no contact like 4-5 months ago by inviting her to a concert, something that both of us are really in to. Going to concerts became our thing. We became friends at least that's what she tells me, we are only friends and I have just gone along with it. She said that I am her best friend. I hoped for it to evolve into more than friends but I'm starting to think it won't and starting to feel frustrated. She would always say that she is never friends with her exs but some how wanted to be friends with me. We have recently started to hang out alot pretty much every weekend for about 2 months now, dinners and movies. Pretty much almost like dating. I know that she has been dating. When I came back from no contact she was seeing someone.
Although she would always refer to guys she was seeing as "friend" whatever that means. To me it was like possibly hiding that person. She recently stopped talking to someone. This was the first time she refered to someone as a guy she was dating. This is where it gets confusing/complicated. She started to follow me on Instagram. She keeps on making plans for us together like we should go here or do that. Once she told me we are going to be best friends forever and screw these insecure guys who say we can't be friends. She has even posted things like that on social media then deleting it. One of the times we went to a concert together she randomly gave me a hug and rested her head on my shoulder. One time while we were having dinner she said to me that I'm like her soul mate because we like similar things.
Interestingly she said that for Halloween we should do a couple's costume from a movie she likes. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that. But she continues to say that were just friends. This past holiday weekend (labor day) we were together pretty much all weekend. She even invited me to spend time with her family, something I haven't done since the break up. Her mom made it awkward by asking me if I was trying to convince her to get back together. Her mom never wanted us to break up. We went to the beach together just the 2 and she posted a picture of us together on Instagram. So recently I feel like I've been getting mixed signals.
I have been considering telling her how I feel but I'm not sure how she would react or how it would effect our friendship. I've been thinking of saying some where around the lines of "I'm not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I'm pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I'm open to that. If not I'm ok with being friends. I'm not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I'm just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship." Or saying something like "I'm beginning to fall all over again for you" to make it seem like it's something new. I have actually started developing more feeling towards her. I fear that she is talking to someone new though because she was telling of a "friend" she is getting to know. The question is telling her how I feel a good idea?? Or wait it out? If yes, any suggestions on what to say?? Please help me out!! I'm really torn on what to do and want to get out of the "friend zone".
"I’m not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I’m pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I’m open to that. If not I’m ok with being friends. I’m not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I’m just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship"
^ This, I will not recommend at all. It looks weak and looks like you are trying very hard not to look clingy and at the same time you are not being true to yourself. It will also make it look like you are afraid to go after what you want. If you are trying hard not to look clingy, it will make you look weak and unconfident, which is equally as unattractive.
I will recommend that you let things progress for a while. Spend more time together and wait it out. As you two get more close to each other, start getting physical. Like holding hands, or touching her when it seems appropriate. If she responds well, try kissing her. If it progresses, then you can have the talk. But make sure you know what you want. Do you want her as your girlfriend? Are you REALLY ok with being just friends if she says no? Or are you just too much afraid of losing her forever? Be honest with yourself. If you are just afraid of losing her, even if it's killing you just being friends with her, then it's better for you to let her go if she says no. And then be honest with her. Tell her that you want her as your girlfriend. And you don't want to be friends anymore. And say it with confidence. It's not so much about the words you use, but your intentions and your confidence.
Thank you Kevin for the response. Yes, I do want her as a girlfriend. I'm going to have to say that yes, I am afraid of loosing her forever which is why I have been agreeing to be friends. I have to be honest, it has started to get hard being friends. I understand I should start getting a little physical, which makes me a little nervous honestly because I'm not sure how she'll react. I get that I should wait it out a bit but what if she's starting to date again? I honestly don't know if she has. I guess I would want to tell her soon but I don't want to ruin plans we already have.
Hey Robert,
If you are afraid she will start dating soon, then you should make a move. Eventually, you will have to man up and do what's necessary. Remember, everything you did till now (no contact and the 5 step plan) was an attempt to give yourself one last chance. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then you learned a lot from it and you move on.
From what you have told me, it seems she is into you. But if you don't make a move, you will be friendzoned. And we both know it's going to be a torture for you emotionally being friends with her while she is dating someone else.
How long you should wait before making the move is up to you. But I will not recommend waiting too long. Starting to get physical is a good way to test the waters. Don't let your fear of losing her hold you back.
Hi Kevin, thanks again for the advice. Indeed my fear of loosing her is holding me back and is putting stress on me. I definitely do fear she might be or probably already is "talking" to some one. Once again I really want to tell her but don't know exactly how or when to tell her. I kind of narrowed it down to saying something like "recently I have started to fall for you all over again. I wish not to see you as a friend but more than a friend, a girlfriend. A while ago you told me that I was like your soul mate and I didn't think much of it but now I'm also feeling that way. You are my best friend and you'll always be but I would like to be more than just best friends". If she says no or responds negatively I'm not sure where to go from there. Maybe saying that I need space now and could possibly be just friends in the future. One thing I've been thinking is where do you suggest I tell her? Like as I'm droping her off or like over dinner? It's probably a silly question but I don't make her feel uncomfortable.
Hey Robert,
If she says no, you should definitely back off for a while and think things through. Do you want to pursue her more? Are you OK with being friends? Should you try to move on? I will recommend moving on. But it will be ultimately your decision. There is no point thinking about it now. Only think about it if she says no. Just tell her you need some space and think things through.
When to bring it up is again up to you. When you feel the vibe. When you feel like you both are having a good time. Don't think so much about not making her uncomfortable. It seems you are caring too much about her feelings. To the point of being insecure. If every guy starts caring so much about making the girl uncomfortable, they will never make a move.
Hi Kevin, understood. Very good points. So I am very unsure if she's seeing or talking to someone or not. This past weekend we spent a lot of time together. At some point she mentioned a friend that she was talking to late at night. She had mentioned this guy in the past and I guess they've known each other for a while. She has referred to guys she's dated as "friend" so I'm not sure if they are actually just friends or something else. On Saturday night I invited her to dinner and a movie. When I was dropping her off she said "thank you for the date". I'm not sure if she meant to say that or she accidentally said it. We follow each other on Instagram and that night she went on a bit of a rant for some reason. She said that she's at a point in her life where she doesn't care about dating or relationships. She's finally ok with being alone and she's just looking to being 100% happy. On Sunday we were together all day and she had a family emergency and I stuck with her through it. That night she texted me saying thank you for the very fun weekend and being there for her and her family. She ended the text by saying I'm truly the bestest friend she could ever have been given. I was thinking of telling her this past weekend but backed out once she started to make plans for this weekend. I was thinking about telling her this weekend. Given all this and her possibly not dating do you suggest I wait it out a little or go forth and tell her?
Hey Kevin,
I haven't posted here in 4 or 5 months. Please scroll up if you've forgotten me! Hope things have been well with you! Last I told you was I told him to stop saying he loved me unless he wanted to seriously work things out. I had also been moving on, going on dates, getting on with my life. He contacted me two weeks ago to ask me if I wanted to start dating again. He said he thought about it and realized what we had was special. I asked him why he just doesn't start dating locally and he said he did go out and meet a lot of people but found no one interesting. He said he realizes other things in his life are more fulfilling than work. I told him I would think about it but I'm really not sure. I have this huge exam that decides my career coming up next June and I don't want to compromise that. I asked him if he would wait for me after that and he said he would. I'm thinking of telling him that he needs to show me things have changed and he's serious and we can consider making it official after next June. Do you think I should also ask him to visit me explicitly too or let him figure that out on his own? What do you think of all this. I'm worried that he is coming back because he's just desperate and thinks he can't find someone better.
He also said he saw dating as a step towards moving to be in the same place when I pointed out we have known each other forever and this either needs to move forward or back. He said that obviously its been a while since we have spent real time together and been in the same place so that is an issue but he really thought about this before brining it up with me. He did bring up friends engagements and stuff but idk how seriously to take him. He was pretty immature when he used to always prioritize work before and I'm pretty skeptical he's really changed. Idk if I can take this or him seriously. I wasn't really expecting him to come back any time soon. I had really been getting on with my life. I'm just really concerned that this is because he thinks he cant' find someone else. I really just don't know. I don't want to mess up my huge exam because of him. But at the same time I don't want to say or to say yes. I need to take some sort of middle ground. What do you think of the idea I came up with of asking him to demonstrate his seriousness?
I think it's a good idea. If you are not sure about him, you shouldn't start dating or make any commitments yet. Let him prove that he is serious and work for what he wants. If he really wants to be with you, he will work for it.
Hey Kevin,
What if your ex has access to your personal accounts? Like passwords to Facebook and Instagram? Should I change my information? I just don't want him thinking I'm hiding something.
Yes, you should change it. You shouldn't worry so much about what he thinks about you. It's more about having privacy and setting boundaries.
Hello Kevin
Okay so I finally started working last week (yay me lol) and my ex has been taking care of our daughter. So on my first day which was last Friday he texted me asking me what was I doing that day and that he was gonna go to our friend's house and I said about to get off of work and well get our daughter and nothing, why? And then he asked me if I wanted to go with him I agreed but then we didn't even end up going we ended up at his house instead and we didn't really hang out that much cause 2 other friends were there but he even bought me food. Ok so that was Friday.
I didn't see him again until Wednesday when he picked up our daughter but Tuesday night I had texted him to make sure if he would still watch our daughter he said yeah but through text I felt like he was in some way cutting me off, he might have been tired since he worked but I just stopped replying. Wednesday he came and picked her up and he was cool with me then later on that night I came out super late from work and he offered to pick me up I told him to just pick me up from the bus stop close to his house that I'd call.
I assumed he would pick me up with our daughter in the car so he can just drop us off but nope, he just picked me up and again took me to his house he hung out for a bit but again some neighbors came and he left. I then left before he came back and I just texted him to remind him about what time to pick up our daughter he then replied saying you left? I said yes and he stopped replying.
Today (as in Thursday) he came to pick up our daughter and offered to give me a ride to work but I already had one so I said no thank you he said ok have a good day at work and then we said bye. Again he picked me up from work and once again I thought he'd bring our daughter but once again he didn't. He just picked me up and took me to his house this time he said I have to go somewhere and then he said I'll be back. I left again before he came back. Tomorrow (Friday) he offered to give me a ride to work.
Last Friday I left his house like at 11 something these 2 times I've been leaving by like 9:30 since I end up getting there late. Like Wednesday I got there at 8:20 & today like at 7 anyways I think he thought I was gonna be staying late again but I'm not.
Anyways to sun up my question are these good signs? Or....help?
Hey,
Maybe he is trying to be supportive or maybe these are good signs. I can't really tell. I think it's best to just focus on your new job and your life and not expect anything for a while. If he is really interested, he will make a clear move. Something you won't have to interpret. If he doesn't, you should just assume he is being friendly or supportive. If you keep trying to interpret his actions, you will never be able to move on with your life.
I know I am just focusing on my new job. I was just wondering since he was the one to ask me to hang out. I'm trying to not make this into something it's not cause it could just be a friendly thing. He's not making anything clear. I'm not gonna get excited over this. I'm just gonna do me and well lets see if he decides to make a clear move, whether that's trying to talk to me again or he starts talking to someone else. Thank you Kevin.
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It has been three months no contact, I have my letter ready, but don't know if I should send it or how to word it. I also don't know sometimes if I should even try to get him back. I want to be with him 100% but on our last phone call conversation, he told me he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore....can I even fix that? even with 90 days of no contact!?
If you are sure you want him and you two have the potential to have a long lasting healthy relationship, then you should try to get him back. The only way to know if you can fix that is by contacting him again. If it doesn't work out, you don't have anything to lose. You are already broken up. At least, you will know that you tried.
Should I ask him to call me in the letter or does that sound too needy? Is there anything else I need to add or take out...its hard trying to filter our all the heartfelt emotions that are bubbling at the surface. It is very short...I said I accepted the break up and understand why it happened; I apologized for not giving him space right afterwards and calling and emailing him; I said that positive things were happening in my life and I wanted to be able to share about them with him....I wished him well and said Love, Erin...that was it.
No don't ask him to call you. And after the wanting to be able to share with him part, add the word "someday".
Kevin,
This is my 4th attempt in reaching out to you. I got stuck after the first hang out and haven't been able to get him to hang out again. We text occasionally and he says he wants us to be friends, but I don't know what to do from here. Your plan ends after the first meet up. I've attempted to see him twice since the first lunch meet up we had a few weeks ago, and he keeps saying he's "busy", no real excuse, just that he's busy. Although I haven't said a word about the break up or wanting him back or used the word "date". I've been strictly platonic and done everything you said. I'm thinking I may have to redo the 30 days no contact, because I feel like he's suspicious to what I'm trying to do. Please help!
Katie
Yes, it's probably a good idea to back off for a while since he is acting cold. No contact for 30 days sounds good. Try going on a few dates during this time. If after that, he is still cold, then you should definitely consider moving on.
Dear Kevin,
Me and my ex have been broken up for about a month. I was currently following these steps until me and him started talking again. I had blocked him from all my social media except for Kik. I decided to give myself time. During that time he had 2 girlfriends. One that didn't even last a week and the recent one that had been with him that lasted almost 3 weeks. I've been by far the gf he has been the most with. That is until We had to go long distance. during long distance he had cheated on me with multiple girls, multiple times. I know my worth. I know he doesn't deserve me. But for some reason I feel SO attracted to him! He contacted me a week ago saying he had broken up with his girlfriend. Then he tried to make me laugh with old jokes and ended up asking if I was ever going to give him another chance. I said No, bc i didn't want to seem desperate. after that we kept on talking like friends and we both started talking about our past relationship and he said i was the best girlfriend he's had and that he loves me and that i've always had his heart... but than he got with a different girl. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!! DO I START AGAIN FROM STEP 1?
Hey Kora,
I would suggest a longer no contact period. And yes, start again. Like you said, if you think he doesn't deserve you, then you shouldn't take him. Even if you feel attracted to him. But I know it's easier said than done. Especially when you feel you still love your ex. That's why I am recommending a no contact period. If after that, you still want to be with him, contact him.
Hey Kevin,
It's been a month, and I've done everything on the checklist. I have re-established contact, to find that my ex is still with her rebound (They've been together for 3 weeks now) I believe she's starting to lose interest in him now. I also believe my ex still has feelings for me. Should I disappear until they break up, or keep talking to my ex. I don't want to be friend zoned. Advice?
Amazing website, too. Helped a tonne! Highly recommend it! :)
Hey Alex,
Keep in touch. But don't look needy or desperate. Don't always be the one to initiate contact. If she seems cold, back off for a while. If she is interested in talking to you, keep the momentum going.
What happens if she doesn't initiate contact at all? I mean, I'm pretty sure she's trying to resist. But when we do talk, she keeps the conversation going, and keeps the momentum going, too.
Thanks by the way, helps a tonne :)
It's OK if she doesn't. Just give her a chance to initiate contact. Like a week or two between you initiating contact. If she doesn't initiate contact, don't overthink it and just continue doing what you have been doing. It's a patience game for you right now.
Thanks so much. I love your guide too. You've helped a lot of people!
Should I initiate contact if she doesn't, but wait two weeks? I mean, by then her rebound would of probably ended, and she'll be feeling down.
Yes, wait a week or two between you initiating contacts. If every time you chat, she seems upbeat and really invested in the conversation, then you can reduce that time to 3-4 days. It's a judgement call and only you can be sure about it depending on how the conversations with your ex are going. Basically, as long as you are not coming off as needy and desperate when talking to her, you don't have to worry about who initiates first.
Yeah, my ex does seem happy and interested in talking to me. She actually initiated contact for the first time yesterday, and we talked a little. It was good, and she referred to an old memory we had by saying she was watching a film for the second time (the first time it was with me). Good signs, I presume?
Yes. :)
Hey Kevin,
It's been a while since we last spoke, and some things have changed. My ex agreed to meet me, and see me again, but she's not given me a date. She's simply said that she'll get back to me on it. It's been about 5 days, and still nothing. She did message me yesterday and showed me a picture of myself when I was younger (It was a yearbook type thing, and she was the editor). I mentioned how my picture was bigger (and more embarrassing) than the others around it, she simply said "It's just cause I love you".
Recently though, she's been feeling a bit off. Like she'll ignore some of my messages, and won't seem interested in talking to me anymore, other than the other day when she messaged me and said that.
Is this push/pull behavior, and what should I do?
Thanks
She is confused about her feelings towards you. She definitely still has feelings for you. But she also remembers that you two had a relationship before that ended in a breakup. It's more of a hot and cold behavior than push/pull (if it seems that she is pulling away without you pushing, that means she has an internal conflict). The most important thing here is to not give her a reason to pull away. In short don't push. Don't be needy. Don't be desperate. Let her process her emotions and confusion at her own pace. It might take time. If you can show how much you have changed and improved as a person, without making it obvious, then do so.
Yes that makes so much sense and even I've said that myself. He knows he hasn't lost me but once he sees he's losing me then he's gonna feel worried. I'm over the breakup it's just my feelings towards him. I'm open to dating. I feel ready to date. I just haven't found someone. Yes I'm still in love with him but I'm also open to try to give myself some happiness whether it's with or without him. Not that I need a man to give me happiness but I mean relationship wise I'm open to giving myself a chance.
He's still not ready so I can't wait for him. Yes I have my off days where I miss him like crazy and all I want is him but then when I pick myself up I'm happy again. I finally feel happy with myself, like sincerely happy with myself.
Hi. this is very great site and advice! i calmed for a moment and think about our relationship and our breakup. My boyfriend and i are 1 year and 4 mos together, until on Aug. 18(Tuesday) he broke up with me and I'm really surprise! we live together in the same apartment and i moved out already. I've been miserable because of our breakup and I really want to win him back. actually I'm planning to plead (a surprise sorry note with "can we be together again" letter) and search it to google and wasn't expecting this. I've given it a thought and do this plan! i really want him but wanting him is hurting me, and thank you so much because i realize something. I guess I'm doing the right thing right? :) im very happy bcoz of this site. IT IS WORTH READING!
sorry for my English xoxo
Hey Kevin,
Hope all is well. Haven't posted on her for maybe a month. So I haven't seen my ex for almost 2 months. I've been avoiding him. Last time we texted was like 1 week and a half ago and it was only about him picking up our daughter. Then we said bye and that was it.
So remember the girl that had messaged me and that her bf was in prison, well he just got out this past weekend and my ex's gf found out and started following him on instagram. The girl that messaged me told me how my ex's gf was messaging her bf through her sister's instagram and she told him she was still in love with etc.
My ex and his gf took each other off their bios on instagram but they take it off & put it back on a lot. But this time it's been a couple days.
So today my friend said she saw his facebook page and that he seemed sad I'm assuming he's posting sad statuses.
Now you'd think I'd get a little happy to hear he's sad. To know he's getting a taste of his own medicine but in reality I'm not happy. It actually hurts to know he's sad and not for the reason that I don't want him to hurt well I don't but for the reason that he's depressed over her. Hurt to know I didn't even bring that out in him. Maybe because I'm not petty like that and I dont wish him any bad.
Supposedly the first time we broke up he couldn't stop thinking about me & he missed me like crazy & he was sad yet never showed it nor posted anything about that. At least I never saw or heard anything.
Seems like she did him dirty before he even had the chance. Could it be he's sad cause its now being done to him? Another friend of mine saw that his gf started following her ex and said he's finally getting his karma. Which he sort of is but why am I not happy about?
I remember at first all I can think of and say was hope he gets a taste of his own medicine and she does him dirty so he knows what it feels like and he can realize he messed up by leaving me for some homewrecker. But instead I'm hurt cause he's hurting over her.
Or could it be he's hurting cause he realized the mistake he made? Well I'm assuming we can't be for sure since I don't know what the statuses say or what he posts (kind of scared to find out). Help Kevin please.
Hello Kevin,
So I ended up seeing him today. We hung out with our daughter. We went to the park and then went to meet up with his friend and then eat and then went to pick up another one of his friends. We were gonna go to his house well his plan I didn't even know most of the time where I was going he just kept driving around going from friend to friend. Only thing that surprised me was that he was actually bringing me along instead of after the park dropping me off.
He was even like I don't think she(our daughter) wants to go home yet. I'm not saying he was using her as an excuse but I got the feeling he enjoyed my presence. Like he wanted to be around me as well.
I didn't go to his house though I just asked him to drop me off home. We were cool all day joking and laughing. Having a good time. Except there was a time where he got a call and he kind of distanced himself from me so like I wouldn't hear. It hit me that he was most likely talking to her cause then I heard him asking what time do you want me to pick you up? But then why would he try taking us to his house right? Maybe it was that friend we picked up.
Either way I'm trying to not get my hopes up and Ima just try to be friends. For the sake of my heart. I'm still in love with him but I have to be ok with the idea of just being friends in some way. Cause he's still not giving me a clear sign of him wanting me therefore I can't try to make this into something it might not be. Help
Hey,
I think the reason he wasn't sad after you guys broke up is that he knows that you are still not over him and will take him back anytime he wants to come back. He doesn't think he has lost you. But he does think that he has lost that girl. The same way you thought you lost him after the breakup. Dealing with a loss is hard. Even if it was a rebound. If he ever really feels like that he lost you, he is going to be a lot more sad than he is now. But as long as you love him, he will know it at the back of his mind and he won't really have to deal with the pain of that loss.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for the article, it's very helpful. I just broke up with my ex for one week but we are still living together because of some financial issue. He said he loved and cared about me so much but he was not in love with me, so he couldn't see me in his future. I don't know what to do because the way he looks at me is still the same with before, but he just not in love with me anymore. Do you think the minimal contact idea will work on this? when if it works, I don't know how can I do that since we are still living together.
Hey Kim,
Read this article. It explains how to do no contact if you are living together.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend has recently just decided to end our relationship because she has some mental issues and feels as though she has to focus on herself and not be in a relationship. She said she had to figure things out and truly be happy on her own.
She told me that I was amazing in the relationship and that she still cared deeply about me and loved me, she just needs time to herself at the moment.
I asked her if it was the end for us forever and she said yes because she didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore.
I really care about this girl and am 100% devoted to her, I absolutely love her and think she is the one, what should I do?
Thank you so much!
Give her the space she needs and use the time to make yourself a better person. Follow the plan.
Thank you Kevin! I feel really bad for posting the other comments. I'll use the plan and go on from there. There's no need to respond to my other comments. Thanks again!
Ben
Hey Kevin!
So I started the no contact phase and I'm doing a bit better (minus the fight I got into with a bully from school. He was making fun of me, he got to close to me then I punched him. Which I feel bad about. Then he punched me and threw me on the ground. I walked away after that.) But before I got into the no contact phase, me and my ex were really good friends after the break up. The point I started it was when we had a REALLY good, deep talk (deep meaning we did what she liked the most. Using our imaginations.)
I got her interested in a new game and we just had a blast talking about it, as she knows more about it than I do.
When the conversation ended, I told her, like the Relationship Rewind told me to, that "I was glad we were good friends". She was a bit weirded out by this, but then cheerfully said "Goodbye" as we hung up.
Was what I did right? Or did I just bury myself a bigger grave?
Dear Kevin,
good day to you was amazing course i feel so much better now just thank you ,
i flow the steps one by one i read all the emails everything went perfect ,
she start to call me texting me phons calls not like before ,she send one messge told me im the most man i ever loved her and she want my friendship for ever ;) some times i fell she want me so much and sometimes if start talk about any future she love to remaind me that we are friends, so far im so gald we back together , but what is the next stop since she is coming for job interview this month she said; let us meet please for a drink as best friends for ever ,
as usual please an advice
all the best Kevin
Adam
Hey Kevin,
You were right. I did go through a meltdown. It hit me hard! I didn't get the job which bummed me out really bad. I felt terrible like a loser, a failure, and then I started to remember about him. I felt like I ended up at square one again. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.
I felt so depressed. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I started feeling pain, anger, hate, and just all the negative again.
On the fourth day I seen a post on Facebook about a place that was hiring. I turned in my resume and I got a call for an interview. Interview went great. The recruiter and supervisor liked me and the recruiter said he'd try his best to put me in. That made me see the positive again.
I'm feeling strong about this job. This might be the one. After the interview I felt so much better. I guess it's true when one door closes another door opens. I guess the other job wasn't meant to be at least not yet.
For a while I felt how I did in the beginning of my breakup like I was being punished. Things just weren't looking good for me. I was even asking myself why is he happy, in a relationship and have it good and everything he wants and I'm being punished. But I feel strong again. I feel like I got this. I'm determined to live my life and not waste my youth.
Hey e.p.,
That's great. I am glad you are feeling strong again. Just remember whenever you are feeling down that it's just a phase and it shall pass. And every time you will come out the other end stronger than before. Good luck.
Yes I will remember that. Thank you :)
So, I took all of the steps and didn't break the no contact rule for 30 days. At the end of the 30 days my ex texted me and then called me three times. I did not answer him. A few days later we went out and asked if I was going out too, I said 'yes' and he began to tell me about his new gf. Turns out it was all a lie to make me jealous. At the bar I acted like nothing bothered me and I was having the time of my life. When I left, he texted me asked where I was. We got into a fight and then decided to meet up to talk about our relationship. He told me how much he missed me and how he wants to try things again. He included how he wants to limit his time from the bar and we need to put things in the past and start fresh. We talked about his family and how much they miss me and discussed our breakup. After this we slept together. The next morning we decided that I would go over the following day and he would make me dinner. We took a nap together, watched tv, and he fixed my car. Everything seemed great! The next day I didn't hear from him. I texted him and no answer. Its been three weeks and nothing?
Hey Cara,
It seems that you agreed to getting back together too quickly. You should have taken things slow. I think you should do no contact again. For a month. This time, don't agree to getting back together or sleeping with him so quickly. Let him prove that he really wants you and that things will be different now. If he is not willing to do so, then you should move on.
Mr. Kevin
I am agree with your article.
Before reading your article, i was hopeless but now i am ready to face those 30days (no contact).
Thanks Alot mr. Kevin for giving a greatfull hope
I am Lesbian, does this work the same for us?
Which do I follow, wanting to get my girl or man back?
We both have feme qualities and neither of us are the 'man'.
Hey,
I suggest following the guide to get your ex boyfriend back. A few of the emails (in the later stages) might not apply to you. But all the emails and advice related to breakup and your ex remains the same.
I have read all your information I am going to give this a try. I have been going about things the wrong way I have been doing all the things you say not to do. mine and my boyfriends break up was very unexpected.
Hey again Kevin! Soo.. i can't link my story, but it's early may i know.. a month passed by, and went to fill up my arm with a dreamcatcher tattoo last sunday, i wrote to my ex because it seemed like we had something to talk about, like i wrote in the other comments, he has tattoos too! When i was about to end the conversation, i wrote to him that he can write to me whenever he want, (facebook messenger) . On monday, he wrote, and he has wrote to me since monday now, and it's thursday morning right now! he wrote to me last night, and he asked me if i could help him with song text.. he put a video on facebook just so i could see it, he sang about a lovestory, i was positive and told him it sounded good, and now i'm kind of confused.. isn't it kind of weird to send it to me, 3 days after we started talking? Do you think it's a sign of something? i just need advice right now.. i'm going to keep talking to him as a friend, please help!
Lovisa
Hi Kevin,
Not sure why my messages never go beyond moderation. Am I missing any step here?
Hey Mishi,
I rarely approve comments here anymore. Please post on the message boards.
Thank you so much Kevin :)
Hello Kevin,
I just posted from my computer and it says awaiting moderation but it won't show that on my phone. Just wondering if it went through.
Hello Kevin,
I've been doing a little better now since I last posted. I still miss him but I'm okay. Right now im working on getting into this job that I really want and I'm almost in so thats been keeping me distracted. I know once I start working I'll be happier and my focus will be on that instead of him. I had too much free time that made me think of him but now I'm excited to start working. I'm excited to start being independent for my daughter and myself. I no longer want to depend on anyone for anything, not even my happieness. I feel happier now.
Again I'm still in love with him but there's nothing I can do anymore. I've given my all and he knows that. He knows what I offer and what I expect from him. Now its all up to him but I'm only focused on that job and moving forward with my daughter. I want nothing but the best for her.
As for if we were ever in a healthy relatonship longer than 6 months, we were. The serious issues of him doing all those things didn't start till last year(March 2014). That's when he started doing everything and I started to feel unattractive and all those bad things. But all that is the past. It happened and that will never change. I'm just trying to move on from the past. I no longer hold any hate, anger, grudges, anything. I realized only way to truly be happy is to let it all go from my heart and let nothing but happiness and positive vibes in my heart. Like you've said in the past none of this will matter in the future(his actions now, our past).
I have bigger problems to worry about than him right now and whether or not he's still with her or not. Oh and supposedly she's in "rehab", so he says. Anyways thank you. Lets hope i don't relapse.
That's great e.p. I am glad you are feeling better. I am sure you will only feel stronger and happier and from now. If you have off days and feel down sometimes, just accept them for what they are and let them pass (they WILL pass). Good luck with the new job. :)
Hey Kevin,
I am back.
We continued 2 weeks after. So your techniques work. Thanks so much.
We had and have much problems, yet I felt good about being together mostly...
Now, it's over again...
I guess the reasons must be something like:
1. I had really stupid behavior from time to time. For example: ignoring her for hours if she didn't sent a kiss back to my kiss msg. That made her cry and really frightened. I messed up big.
2. I restrict her too much she said. I don't fully agree but in some way ok. Also not enough trust.
3. Not enough appreciating and thanking for what she does for me.
So this unbelievable story happened:
Monday I was upset that she was going off until late for 7th time in 3 weeks later this week. I said stupid threat words: if you are really going, we will break up. Next morning she read and kind of said ok we can breakup. She left phone at home, really unusual. Late midday I called work phone. Instead of showing my feelings of fear/missing her/saying sorry I just said stupid things again that must have sounded like I was judging her. At first she sounded friendly, later much more venomous. She said she would read my msg's later. I asked if we are breaking up. She said most likely.
Late evening Whatsapp msg’s got delivered but not read. Little time later she removed and blocked Fb.
I called her (no answer) and eventually house phone. Her mother said she heared from her we are over. I said we are not. Her mother said goodbye forever. The mother always really really really hated me, and gf always defended me. Idk what happened exactly but looks like this was her chance to totally firewall daughter and turn gf against me.
Since Whatsapp was still not read, I send some texts saying this is a big misunderstanding and we should talk. No reply.
Next day of course she didn’t show up at our date. Still no replies.
I sent cry videos (cause I was extremely upset) that I didn’t mean it this way. A bit later she read everything.
She removed and blocked me from Whatsapp too.
From my other phone I know that she very likely hasn’t been online on Whatsapp since then. Which makes me assume she changed cell number in just 2 days.
I talked with best gf of her who confirmed we are over (above reasons came to talk).
Today I went to her work, but she wasn’t there.
And that’s it. No break up talk even. She disappeared from the earth. How I know her, this is completely against her own core rules. That makes it even more strange.
Kevin what’s your opinion?
Dear Kevin,
I thought about it a bit more…
I think my ex will have a 3-phase system.
1. Early time after the breakup: high defenses.
2. Mid time: A liquid, persuadable phase. Hard to tell when. (If there at all.)
3. Late time: Solid phase where the breakup becomes unchangeable. “It’s just the best for us this way.”
Reason: We have differences that can’t be solved without attachment/feelings for each other.
So as soon as she enters the solid phase there is no chance of getting back together.
I think that’s why she fully blocks me. She knows she can’t let me go, unless she does a hard aggressive cold remove of everything in her life that reminds her of me. Fighting all her emotions until the rational mind has fully taken over. That must be why she allowed her mother to take control.
Also, she doesn’t know enough I love her because I told too less. She deserved more affection. (In contrast with a part of STEP 1.)
I know I am too much outcome depended at this moment. But she feels to special to me besides the normal girlfriend stuff.
I am at day 5 of NC.
1. What is best to do?
2. Do you think her way of breaking up is indifference or is it something else?
Always thank you Kevin.
Hi
So i have come back together with my ex-girlfriend. But now iam in a kinda wired situation... I changed a lot but she didnt changed at all (even the reasons why i broke up with her) I want to trust her but i cant. Sometimes she even makes me nervous when iam around her. Dont know what to do now...
nice greets
Hey again Kevin! So i've been ignoring him now for a while, for 5 days ago he wrote to me, when he was busy at a concert! i answered, but kept it short. I was at the gym when he wrote, and yesterday he saw my new tattoo, i'm working on a sleeve! he wrote to me ' next time you work on the sleeve you have to do it nearby me ' i asked him ' what? ' and he said ' so i can see it ' i answered him short but i kept a good tone, it was a nice conversation! i was about to go to sleep so i ended the conversation with goodnight! what do you think about this? what do you think i should do next?
Lovisa
So I noticed he took the thing off his bio but I know it doesn't mean anything. I'm going to believe he still has feelings for me cause you said you're sure and well outside point of views are sometimes better and can see the bigger picture. But I do think moving on can help. Going on dates maybe. I know my feelings for him won't go away but I can still try dating.
To be honest I still have hope not as much as before but it's still there. In my heart that's why what I want.
You know I'm now starting to fully see the picture and starting to actually understand more what you've been telling me this whole time. I mean I've understood it all along but I'm it's now making sense.
I need to move on and not as in move on to another guy and leave my feelings behind and just act like I never loved him but move on as in from all the pain and hurt its caused me. In order for us to even have a future and for that future to be healthy I need to let go of everything. Meaning fears, pain, regrets, anger, everything.
I need to be a changed woman in order for him to see me as a better version of myself. It kept me thinking a lot on what he said when we spoke and I quote "you took everything, you accepted everything I did". It had me thinking on how he sees and knows that I'll always take him back and that he can continue playing games and I'll be waiting. He saw me as a weak woman. That made me realize that I need to change and show him that's not the case.
I was reading a book named "why men marry b*tches" and its says that men are into women that aren't afraid to make their own decisions, who aren't afraid to speak out with their own opinions. That makes the woman different from any other one. That was my mistake. I lost all those things and I did what he liked. I taught him to think that of me, to think I'll always be here regardless. I allowed it and did nothing in time to change it cause I was afraid to lose him. Now that I've lost him I really don't have anything to lose but to gain.
The only way to change his mind and view on me is to become a strong woman. A woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself. A woman who will no longer take bs from anyone. Only then will he see that and maybe want to give us a try but when that day comes it will take more than just my love for him to take him back.
He's going to have to prove himself to me. Show me that we can have a future and that he's done playing games. That he's ready to settle and be a family man. Only then will we work out. If I was to take him back right now I wouldn't take bs from him but I'd probably forgive some of it. I have work to do and I need to do this change alone.
After I made the decision to stay away I've been dreaming with him even more. I miss him like crazy. I think about him all day. All I want is to be around him and go back to when we use to have a good time but I know I can't. Not now.
I know I need to do this, for both of us. I swear in my heart and even when we use to speak and just how we would get along. He's the one. He said the same and so did all his family. I guess this is something we need to go through but I'm really trying to be strong.
I know this is what I need to do but it's just so hard. My live for him hasn't even faded not one bit every time I see him I realize I'm still so deep in love with him.
Kevin?
Hey e.p.,
I know it's hard but you will first have to start believing that he might not be the one for you. He cheated on you several times and made you feel bad about yourself. There is a very slight chance he might one day become someone worthy enough of having your love, but you should not count on it. What you are going through is one of the many stages of grief after breakup. In your case, because you have to stay in touch with your ex due to your child, it's taking a lot longer for you to accept the breakup and move on. And you have relapsed quite a few time. Remember I told you it's going to be a roller coaster ride. The love you are feeling for him is actually the result of the pain that comes with grief. Your mind is just assuming that if you are in pain without him, then you must love him. And it's making you forget all the bad things about the relationship and only concentrate on the good times you had with him.
But how much of your relationship was actually good? And how much of it was him cheating on you, making you feel needy, desperate, and unattractive? Were either one of you truly in a healthy relationship for more than 6 months?
There are a lot of things you can do to put things in perspective. I am a fan of writing things down. Now when it comes to dealing with grief, writing whatever comes to your head is not a good tactic. Instead, writing on worksheets designed to question your beliefs about the relationship and your ex is very helpful. Since this website is more focused on getting an ex back and not getting over a breakup, I haven't written about that much. But I will recommend you look into some of the authors who have worked in this area. Susan J. Elliott has written a lot about it in her book "getting past your breakup". You should look into it. She also has a website with a support group focused on this.
Now again, you have to shift your focus from getting him back to getting over him. And if getting over him requires you to give up all hope of getting back together, then so be it. It will be painful, but you will come out the other end stronger and happier than you have ever been.
Ok, you are on the right track here but you are on it for the wrong reasons. You should not become that woman for him. You should become that woman for yourself. If you are doing it for him, then you are still a weak woman who would go to any lengths to be with a man who cheated on her multiple times, disrespected her, left her and is living with a drug addict.
Good morning. I've had some trouble lately. I've tried the no contact, but my Ex seems to want to still talk and hangout every now and then. About a month ago, we broke up. She was being distant and was unsure if she wanted to be with me because of her trust issues she has from our past. After we broke up, I tried being distant and it was working for the most part. She started to say I love you more, and how much she missed us, which she wasn't doing when we were together. So, things went back to wasn't doing when we were together. So, things went back to normal and yesterday we talked and we decided to call things off again. She loves me, but can't get herself to move on from our past and trust me. That's what is holding her back from being in love with me again. She still wants to hangout and each other. To her, she doesn't have to trust me if we're not together, but she can still have our relationship without really being in one of that makes sense. "She said she wishes it was me but we can't always get what we want" and also said " maybe in the future we can be together, but not now". What should I do?
Its been 5 days since we last spoke. My birthday is coming up next week, so i assume she will text me, but just wanted to add that.
Hey Kevin. Was just wondering if you could reply to my situation. Above. To add more, she came over without me knowing the other day bc my mom had a graduation gift for her. We grabbed a slice of pizza. The next time she asked me to come over bc she got in a huge fight with her parents and just needed me to be there for her. And my birthday is Monday and she said something is being delivered to my house but she probably won't be able to hangout. Which I'm fine with. But please respond to my three posts. Not sure what to do.
Hey Justin,
I see you first commented here last year. Has this been going on for more than a year now? So you never really applied no contact, you are not really in a relationship with her, and you are not letting yourself become emotionally available for someone else? I think since it has been a long time, it will be a good idea to do no contact. Tell her that you need time for yourself and you cannot let yourself continue in a situation like this. Tell her that if she is ready to start a relationship and trust you, she can be with you, but if she is not, then you need to move on. It's time for an ultimatum. One year is a lot of time to spend waiting for a maybe.
I am in same situation and did applied for NC where she got in touch with me after approx. 40 days.And we have been touch thru email or once in while a call from her.I am also been waiting for more than one year now and I am applying for 2nd NC and if she replies back I will give her ultimatum.I cant be in this situation all my life,i already gave her one year and made so many changes in myself.
I know I try not to think about him. Only thing is if he was showing good signs why does he act this way? Could he still have feelings for me and is hiding them and keeping them to himself just cause he's not ready to settle down?
Hey,
This is exactly the kind of over analysing I was talking about. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter in the long run. Even if he does have feelings for you, it's better you don't get back together right now. And if he doesn't have feelings for you, it's better if you don't get back together right now. Their is only one thing that's good for both of you, to accept the breakup and carry on with your lives.
Hey Kevin!
I must say, everything you mentioned above is totally accurate. And i realize what I've done these past few days to get him back was wrong. (Texting and calling and crying over the phone on how much i want it to work)
It's hard Kevin. It really is. We have been together for almost 4 years now and we're about to hit our 5th in 2 months. I'd really really like if we end up together again because it is indeed hard to unlove someone who stole all the first things from me. (Eg. Kiss, and um i don't wanna mention the rest.)
But yeah I hope this works :(
So he's still posting pictures of her apparently and he put on his bio on instagram "I know what I want in life?" I know the diamond stands for her cause that's what he calls her. Like if she's such a diamond. Anyways he says she's his diamond. That only means that by that he means he knows he wants her in his life.
I'm starting to believe he really is completely over me and that he has no feelings left for me. Even if he said "in the future I can be that guy for you" he was just saying it to say it.
Also he has our daughter this weekend. His mom took her I still haven't seen him and I'm kind of avoiding him. I don't want to see him cause I'm hurt. I don't know if he's going to drop her off on Sunday but I'm hoping his mom does.
I hoped he'd realize he wanted to work on himself and want to work it out for our family after the talk but I was wrong. He seems to be serious about her and I'm starting to think this isn't a rebound relationship.
Help Kevin.
So I just saw him. Its midnigh. He came to drop her off. I was so cold and distant. He felt it. It wasn't on purpose it just happened. He gave me a look like he felt it. But the look also looked tender like a look he us to give me. Now I'm just in tears
Hey e.p.
Like I said before, you need to stop focusing so much on him. You will gain nothing from this except pain. He is young and for him to become mature enough for a relationship with you might take YEARS. So it's better to just forget about getting back with him and concentrate on moving on. If it's meant to be, it will be. You did everything you could. There is nothing you can do more. Over analysing every little thing and every interaction with him will just drive your crazy.
Hey Kevin,
This page has been so helpful and is getting me through my break up. However I have 2 questions. 1st) My ex is having a party and its coming close to the end of my no contact period. He will most probably invite me, should I go? 2nd) After no contact period, how often should I space out my texts? Example: once a week, once a month?
1) If he invites you and you think you are ready (feeling confident, won't act needy) then yes you can go.
2) It depends on how warm he is to your texts. If you guys are having good conversations. Then you can text him every 3-4 days. The key is to give him a little bit of time to initiate after initiating yourself.
Hello Kevin,thank you for your help.So to catch you up to speed ,one day after i posted here,she wrote me by a mistake and the next day she removed all of our photos.As i mentioned the last time i had her on the phone she was angrily claiming that she didn't reach out to me ,which provoked my reaction ,because i asked her out 2 times in a row before that and she agreed initially ,but then declined.Do you think she has feelings for me?Do you think i need to give up on her?.Or is it better to wait?I honestly don't know what to do.The last time i spoke with her was 11 days ago.Your help will be much appreciated.She still has not uploaded any photos with the new guy and most likely removed ours ,because she has seen my profile and has noticed that i've removed every picture of us together,so she did the same.
Thank you,
Stoyan
Hey Stoyan,
I feel like you two are sort of in the post breakup competition. Trying to see which one is doing better, while in reality you are both doing pretty bad. I think you should continue no contact and send an apology letter (or email) like I said in my last comment.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your help.You are right ,i am doing pretty bad.I don't know if she removed the pictures ,cause she took a look at my profile or she just decided she doesn't want to hear about me anymore.I would very much would like to apologize,but the last time i did she started acting cold.I don't think she would appreciate it.I don't understand her behavior at all.But i do think she is doing much better than me.The last time she wrote was 11 days ago.So if i decide to apologize,how should i approach that?I mean should i apologize
and wait 2 weeks(isn't that too much), or should i apologize and let it go,maybe wait to hear from her?Also what do you think about her feelings.Could you explain her behavior?Is she confused or just trying to show me she is better without me?
Thank you,
Stoyan
Yes, she is confused. And is probably trying to look like she is doing better than you. The reason for an apology is to let her know that you acknowledge the fact that you have been acting inappropriately and it's because you are hurt from the breakup. And letting her know that you need time to heal from this so you don't act the same way when you are in contact again. Hopefully after reading the letter, she will also think about the way she is acting and will probably start letting go of the negativity and the petty competitiveness between you two and actually start focusing on healing. She might even contact you and if she does, you can either start talking to her normally (if you think you can) or just tell her that you need some more time and hopefully in the future you both can be good friends. Whatever you do, don't repeat the same mistake you did before. Acting out after she refused to meet you. Act mature, not needy. If you think you are not ready for that, simply ask her for some time. Be honest about your emotional state. And if she doesn't contact you, then continue no contact until the time you are feeling good about yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 and make sure you have done each one of them. And when you think you are ready, contact her.
Hi again Kevin! i don't talk to my ex and i'm constantly trying to work on myself and not trying to think about my ex.. but he still keeps liking instagrampictures on me! is that a good or a bad thing? maybe because we had a ' good ' breakup he already moved on, what do you think? i would really need some advice/ help right now.. thank you!
Oh and i'm kind of confused about one thing.. should i keep the no contact in 30 days, or should i write to him sooner? i'm confused about that because we had a 'good' breakup, do you Kevin think he move on faster than a month because of that? i know i'm going to wait until i've moved on, but i don't know really.. i would really need some advice :/
Thanks!
It depends on you. If you think you are ready before 30 days. Then go ahead and contact him. 30 is just a number. It's more about YOUR state of mind and how you use the no contact period to improve yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. Try to do each one of those things before ending no contact.
Hey again, yes i think it's better to contact him after i feel fine again, but i'm a bit worried that he already moved on before 30 days.. what do you think? i'm confused :/
Thanks, Lovisa
Hey Kevin,
You're right I should just be myself and act like how I've been acting now. Not going to be anything more. Yes I did accept the break up well because I have no other choice. It is what it is. That's the situation right now so thats what I have to accept and just roll with the punches.
Yes I still wanted to be with him even after he cheated but I then decided it couldn't be that way anymore and I couldn't handle that. Too painful. I want him to see that my priority is my daughter and not him cause I'm sure he thinks he'll always be one of them. My priority is my daughter she's the only reason I had this talk for.
Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?
Oh and ever since I talked to him he has posted a picture of his girlfriend each night On instagram, so far there's 2. Might be another one tonight but I won't know cause I asked my friend to stop sending me screenshots of them, they hurt. But still hasn't even bothered to ask for his daughter.
This one said patiently waiting. He told me when we talked and he brought her up that she's in rehab. Either way I don't know if he's trying to convince everyone since he hadn't posted a picture of her in a long time.
Also the picture he posted of her was very revealing like I can see everything. Its a picture a photographer took but not like glam shot it's more of a lingerie shot. It's clear he wants to show off what he has.
He's the type of boyfriend that likes to show off his girlfriend but not like that. He doesn't like guys seeing his girl like that. Almost naked. He's the jealous/over protective type. It shocked me he would post that picture of her.
What do you think about all this? His behavior.
I answered you here.
Sorry I just seen it. Thank you Kevin! You're right. I shouldn't stress it. Just let everything play out how it should. I guess he finally realized he can't be with me anymore and play games. He has to be serious to be with me. Thank you once again Kevin :)
Dear kevin.
I have sent 2 messages to you, and I still have not gotten any response or seen them even posted. Is anyone going to help me with what's going on with my problems or talk to me about it so I can't stop flying blind. I would really appricate it please and thank you. When I do it just says waiting for approval and then when I refresh the page it's gone.
My use name is jrw2188 and my name is Justin wood
Hey,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards and it will be approved shortly.
Thank you its good to know I did great. I hope he takes all this to heart and starts changing at least for our daughter. A friend sent me a screenshot of what he posted on his instagram and it was a picture of her saying no one makes me happier than you. That hurt but I know he's with her so it wasn't a shocker.
He hasn't texted me or called me since the party. I didn't say bye to him when I was leaving from the party cause I wasn't gonna go up to him when he was with some guys just to say bye. I would've looked stupid and needy.
I feel he still has feelings for me but like you said he knows that coming back to me means he needs to settle down. I know he's not ready to settle down yet. He said maybe in a few years he can be that guy for me but right now he's not that guy. Meaning in the future.
Yeah I had to make it cLear that I don't want to get back until he's ready and sure that he's done playing games. I'm not going to tell him I'm not going to wait for him. I am going to try to move on. Also so he could feel that there is a possibility of losing me. Like you said it might help him grow up faster if he feels he's actually losing me and that I won't be there forever.
It's time for me to let my actions do the talking. I know with him this situation it all comes down to patience. What do you think I should do or act whenever he decides to come for our daughter? Should I act more distant? Or act like how I've been acting? Just calm & cool? I don't want to be a b*tch after this since I'm trying for him to be around our daughter more.
Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by "he will start seeing me in a new light"?
Hey e.p,
I think you should just be yourself. You don't need to act distant as long as you don't act needy. Just act like how you have been acting till now. I think you made it clear that you have accepted the breakup and you are strong. If I recall correctly, you always wanted to be with him even after he cheated on you repeatedly. Right now, you have laid it out clearly that your priority is your daughter and yourself. Not him.
^^ This is what I meant by new light.
From your conversation with him, I got the impression that you both realised that you are too good for him and that he needs to grow up to be with you. So if he sees a future with you (which he said maybe in the future he can be that guy), then he still has feelings for you and is still hoping to get back in the future.
I wouldn't overthink him sharing pictures of his gf. He is acting strange. A lot of people act strange (do what they normally wouldn't do in a serious relationship) in a rebound relationship. There is no point in analysing it.
What can you do about the no contact when there is a child involved?
Hey,
I wrote about it in this article.
Hey Kevin,
So I spoke with him on Saturday at a party. We were alone and I decided I would bring up the issue of him not being around our daughter.
It started out cause he told me that, that one girl that had messaged me had messaged him saying she knew where he lived etc. I told him I would take care of it cause I wouldn't want him to make it into something bigger and if my daughter was to be there god forbid something happen to her. I spoke to her and she said they wouldn't go to his house.
Anyways so then I told him I have to be straight up with you, you need to be there more for you daughter. You disappearing for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing is not ok. You don't know the pressure & stress I have and how painful it is for her to ask for you. I started crying cause I felt really hurt by that he hugged me and said he knew he was f*ckng up.
At that moment when I was in his arms I felt weak so I stepped back. I told him you know what it feels like to have a dad be there one day & the next day gone. I don't know if one day you don't come back. I said if you're gonna be doing that then just make it easier for her now & leave us alone. He nodded his head no and said that's not what I want.
I told him I don't want that either believe I want you there for her. He then started to like bring us up and I told him yes we have our issues but thats not what I'm talking about. We could put all that aside for our daughter's sake. He said he I love you and care about you but I'm not in love with you. I told him I respect that you know I don't hide my feelings and you know I'm still in love with you but that shouldn't interfere with you being a dad.
He then started saying I was too good for him that I deserved better and that maybe in the future he can be that guy for me but right he's not. I told him I do deserve better but the problem is, is that I wanted you to be that better for me. You know I always talked about a future with you. He just nodded his head yes and said you took so much. You accepted everything I did even when I hurt you. It hurt me to hurt you that's why I let you go.
I told him this break up was a good thing cause I'm finding myself cause before I was your shadow. What ever was your step was my step. I told him I didn't accept it but I tried to work on it because that's what you do when you love someone you accept their flaws and try to move forward. I said I'm not gonna lie that their was a time that I thought having you some way was better than not having you at all, but I got tired of that.
He said he did a f*cked up thing to me and that he felt bad and that it was shady. His friend was there too and he then told him she's right. You did a f*cked up thing and you're f*cking up on your dad responsibilities. What she has for you is unconditional love and yeah right now you're not ready for her love. He then told him want to know why I don't come around as much anymore? Cause I don't like your girlfriend. She's bad influence on you. She's not right for you.
I told him he's right. I then started telling him she doesn't motivate you to do better. You're a 21 year old man grow up already. I was trying to be your motivation but you're deciding the easy life. I told him you're not a bad person but you're deciding to make bad choices.
I then told him I'm not trying to convince you to take me back that's not what I'm doing here and I want you to know that and he said I know. I said even if we wanted to right now we wouldn't work out cause you're not ready. He then said something about her and I said I don't know if you're with her out of pitty or cause you like or love her and then he told me maybe I am with her out of pitty maybe it is just cause I feel bad for her but that's what it is right now.
I said well I don't know but that's your business. He then said again you're too good for me. He said I knoe you'll always have my back and be there for me. I will too. I just told him look all I want is for you to be there for our daughter. Me and you are a different situation I have to respect your choice and feelings and I expect you to respect mine. I said just everything you do think of how it may affect our daughter.
Part of me feels like he still feels something for me cause he's told me the first time we broke up for 5 months that didn't love me anymore but yet still did. He admitted he just wants to have fun. I told him I know you're only interested in partying, drinking and seeing how many girls you can get. but you're better than this, this isn't you and hurts to see you do bad. His friend was telling me how he knew since he met me I was good for my ex and this girl isn't.
He said I'm sure he'll come back to you but right now you need to be strong and be strong for your daughter cause he's not where you want him to be and he's not going to be anytime soon until he sees he's really losing you.
There was a lot more said but this is long enough. What do you think Kevin?
I think you did great. You were strong, honest and didn't show any signs of neediness. I am sure he still has feelings for you and after this incident he will start seeing you in a new light. But that doesn't necessarily mean he will want to come back anytime soon. For him, coming back to you means settling down. If he is only 21, he is probably not ready to settle down yet. And it could take years for him to reach that point. I think it's great that you made it clear that you won't take him back until he is ready. But you should also make it clear that you won't be waiting for him forever. I don't think you need to say it. But you should start considering the option of truly moving on. It might help him grow up faster, or it might make him realise that he doesn't want a family life right now. Either ways, it will be good for both of you.
Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?
Please help Kevin
Hey again Kevin!
So i've calmed down a bit right now.. i told him 4 days after he wrote to me, that i think it's better to stop the contact for awhile, and i will write to him when i feel ready. He said 'okey fine ' to that, but he keeps sending me snapchats about random things.. i just ignore them.. do you have any answers of why he's still keeping contact? is it because he's already okey and just want to be friends, or if it's something else? i'm scared of it's that he sees me just as a friend and he thinks everything's fine between us!
I go to the gym almost everyday right now and trying to be with friends and work as much as i can, and sometimes it feels okey, sometimes not.. i think, just because we broke up because of unnecessary fights, and we said we wanted to be with eachother but we can't, i just find it hard to not see us together after we've moved on.. i don't know, guess i have to see it if we meet up in summer!
And that about working on myself.. before we broke up, we met eachother and talked about everything in our relationship, i did admit to him that things i did we're stupid and i had done that in other relationships but he made me realize what i did, so i told him i did want to work on that ! like, when we had a argument, he could never win because i was so stubborn, but he is really stubborn too so the fights never ended.. and i said to him that i realize what i did wrong before we broke up, after we broke up, i think he saw it as he had the upper hand.. because i told him i wanted another chance, and he said he didn't know.. but after that, he told me he wanted to be with me, but we can't right now! after i ignored him for awhile, he started to write! before i write to him, i have to have a clear mind and feel good again :/
Hi Kevin,
My break-up situation is a little different. But, I'm hoping that you can help me. So, here goes...
I stumbled across your site this morning as my ex was on my mind (asperusual) and I want to contact him via a letter.
I broke the rules (I wish i knew of the NC rules at the time) and my ex ended up cutting me off. He changed his number and deleted his email account. This was over a year ago now, but I really miss him. I realize that I messed up by bombarding him with texts and sending him the occasional email. My mistake was apologizing for getting angry at him in some of my texts, then going right back to doing the very thing I promised him I wouldn't do again.
I thought that if I continued to text him it would show him how serious I am about wanting to be with him. And show him how much I needed and wanted him. Which was a huge mistake.
The last contact we had was a text he sent me wanting to see me early last year, but I couldn't see him because I was away. I feel that me not being able to see him fuelled his anger towards me. Because in his eyes if I love him as much as I profess in my texts why am I constantly rejecting his requests to see me? A huge part of the reason why he cut me off was because I was never available to see him when he wanted to see me. So to him my texts were just words.
Anyhoo, what I'd like to ask you is would the NC rule apply to me? He still has the SIM card/number, he just isn't using the SIM in a phone. But every now and again he does use the SIM. I sent him a text saying I missed him about 2mths ago but he didn't reply.
I miss him to the point of crying for him. Losing him really hurts, I'm in so much pain that I sometimes don't feel like I can go on living without him. He made me so happy. I've been really, really unhappy without him.
Something in me as much as I want to move on keeps telling me not to give up and to hold on. I've been advised by family members and friends to go and see him. But, I'm a little wary of doing that, because I don't know what response/reaction I'll get. I'd much more prefer to mail him a hand written letter, than go and see him. I'm really confused and don't know what to do.
Please help!
Thank you in advance
PS, I'm 32 and my ex just turned 36...
Louise
Hey Louise,
First of all, I'd advice you to stay away from your ex as long as you feel like you can't live without him. If you are still so hurt over losing him and are always unhappy, then you need to rebuild your life without him. You need to learn to be happy without him in your life. Unless you can do that, I will not recommend you contact him or go to see him. If you can't seem to handle the breakup grief yourself, then get help. Go to a therapist. Join a support group.
When you reach a point where you are OK with the breakup and not having him in your life, then you should go ahead and contact him. You can use any method outlined in the article above. And if his response is positive, then you can ask to meet him. But before anything else, you should be OK with the breakup and be happy despite not having him in your life.
Thank you so much for replying Kevin. After being in a relationship with him for eleven years on and off, the thought of never seeing him again has been extremely difficult. He was like a best friend to me as well as my partner. I'm so used to being able to pick up the phone and call him and vice versa. I really miss him being a part of my life. I will take your advice on board and rebuild my life before making contact with my ex again.
Thanks Kevin, You helped me! :)
Well some friends and one of his cousins are the ones that told me that they think he is. They're not sure themselves but I can see why saying all of that to then would be irrelevant since I have no proof whatsoever and that can start some drama up I don't want. Thank you for that. I was thinking it over a lot cause I felt that was harsh for me to say.
About him leaving for 2-3 weeks, that I am going to talk to him about. You're right I should just tell him about the facts not the things I hear of what other people think and aren't even sure of. Thank you so much.
I do feel stupid for even considering to tell him something like that. I had wrote that a couple days ago but everyday the feeling of me wanting to him that kept fading everyday. I had already even considered not telling him anymore. Thank you for reassuring me that telling him that would be a terrible thing.
Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I've been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?
Hello Kevin. I need some advice. So I'm not sure if he is but I just want him to know just in case he decides. I plan to say all this in person since I feel in text he won't take me seriously. Do you think this is ok? What I'm saying to him? Do you think this could make him start thinking about changing his ways? As a guy would this make you think?
"I need to talk to you about something very serious. You might hate me after & not want to talk to me but it needs to be said. I would hate to find out that you're getting involved into harder drugs with this girl. Honestly I use to admire your hustle, your grind. You were a hardworking man & I maybe never showed that but I did appreciate what you did for our daughter & I.
Now you've changed so much. Anything that happens to you hurts me & not only cause of the love I have for you but because you're my daughter's dad. You have to think if anything bad was to happen to me she would be given to you & if you're in bad steps how can I feel safe knowing she will be with you. Anything bad happens to you it also affects her not only yourself & honestly I don't want you disappearing from her life but you have the tendency of doing that. She sees you one week you disappear for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing. You don't bother to ask how she's doing or anything.
If you're hitting some hard drugs I'd hate to see you go down for some girl that isn't bettering your life or even doing anything to motivate you. If you're gonna be disappearing on our daughter & hit hard drugs & you're gonna be killing yourself slowly then I don't want you around our daughter. Just act like you don't have a kid. Now I'm not sure if you are but I'm just letting you know in case you are. I don't want our daughter growing up having to deal with a dad being there one day & disappearing the next.
I never had a dad to begin with but you know the feeling of having your dad & then he's no longer there. I want you to always be with our daughter. I never want her to not have you. I know you adore her, but you have to start thinking like the grown man you are. You're going backwards.
That's not who you are. Maybe you once we're back when you were 13-16 but you had changed & you were changing for the better & now you're becoming someone who I don't even know. See that everyone around you that you're pushing away are the people trying to help you, not your enemy. Believe me we all want nothing but the best for you.
Your family adores you & it hurts them to see you do bad. It hurts me too. We're not together anymore but you'll forever be her dad & therefore I will always care about you. Know that it's time to grow up & make some changes in your life. I know you'd love to give the world to our daughter. Give her nothing but the best but to give her that you have to make some changes.
I felt the need to tell you something because I know no one else will tell you. I'm trying to motivate you into becoming a better dad, a better person. I told you once before & ima tell you again, I'm always gonna have your back & be there for you but as long as you're there for our daughter. If you can't be there for our daughter then don't expect me to be there for you. If you don't care enough to show that to her then you're basically dissing me too. What's done to her is done to me.
I let a lot of things slide for the love I have for you but no more. I can't continue making up excuses for you. Don't worry I will never throw dirt on your name to her. That'll be up to her to judge you from how you act with her. I know you're better than this.
I know you have all these goals in life. I'm always gonna try to motivate you. Always gonna be behind you 100% but you need to make some changes. I get that we all need our fun years but there's a difference especially when you have a kid. You're young & want to have fun but you need to realized what you're sacrificing for your temporary fun.
I really hope you take all this in consideration & that when you decide to act on it, it's not too late. Our daughter & I will always love you no matter what but you have some things to work on & changes to make. Just like I do. We're still growing."
well not the part of forget you have a kid cause that's too harsh.
Hey e.p.,
Unless you have proof that he is doing hard drugs or have heard something like this from friends or family, I'll not advise it. You will just come off as an overprotective mother and he will probably respond as a rebellious child by either shutting you out or attacking you back.
If him disappearing for 2-3 weeks is an issue, then let him know clearly about that. That you expect him to be around his daughter consistently and more often. That her daughter needs to be able to rely on his father being there for her. Other than that, all the hard drugs part just seems redundant.
Hi Kevin
How long does it take to approve a post on the board?
Thanks A
Usually within 24 hrs. Sometimes 48 hrs.
Hi Kevin, I already commented this page before, but you didn't approve it, I also tried to post my question in the Boards but I got no answer. Can you give me any help with my situation?
My girlfriend and I broke up about 1 month and 1 week ago. She just told me that she had been demotivated for some time and even though she always said it would be something temporary, it wasn't and she saw me more as a friend recently. We dated for about 8 months.
We broke up without any type of fight, or argument, it was extremely peaceful, I just told her that if that’s what she thought, I couldn't do much about it, but that I didn't want to give up on her. She told me that she didn't want to lose me as a friend and wanted to keep speaking with me because she likes to do it.
After 1 week of speaking “normally”, I decided to start NC with her and that’s what I've been doing for the past 31 days. She skyped me 6 or 7 times during this period and we ended up talking. I never started any conversation with her (except last friday where I just went to told her that I was going to be in a foreign country for a week), it was always her who started them. The conversations have been positive, she usually asks me how I am, how are things going, if there’s anything new and we end up joking around a bit. I always try to tell her that I’m good and always try to seem happy, even if it’s not completely true.
We work in the same place and I was away from the office for 3 weeks, so I didn't see her, but last week I was back and every time I passed by her desk she always tried to make funny comments. She even called me to see something related to work on her computer in one of the days.
I spoke recently to her best friend and she told me that she thinks that I should speak normally to my ex because she appears to be a little bit sad, even though she never admits that she is.
She’s a very stubborn and proud person, so I don’t think it will be easy for her to change her mind. She's usually the type of person that takes a decision and doesn't go back.
I’m a little bit lost and at this point I’m not sure about what will be the best approach. I'm not sure if I should still continue with NC with her for a little bit more or if I should try to implement some of the things from Relationship Rewind. Any hints?
Thanks.
Hey Paul,
First of all, I will recommend doing complete no contact for a while (not talking even if she initiates). At least two weeks. Let her know that you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After that, you can ignore her whenever she contacts you. Try going on dates during this no contact and making some changes in your life. When no contact is over, get back in touch with her. You can use the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point.
Hi Kevin,
I've been keeping limited contact with her, only answering when she reaches, but on Friday we had a sort of a fight over Skype. She started to get kind of mad that I spoke to a girl that she doesn't like and that she thought that was hitting on me when we were dating, just because I told her that I still didn't speak a lot to that girl. Does this mean she still cares?
During the weekend I spoke to her best friend (we still keep in contact) and she told me that she was speaking more to her ex (the ex before me). She told me that nothing happened but she was speaking more to him and they were closer. Is this normal? Should I be worried? I was kind of bummed by this because she always told me that she didn't like him and that she broke up with him because she lost her confidence in him and that's something you can never recover.
Yesterday I decided to speak with her on Skype and we had a good time, we laughed at each other and had some fun. At some point I asked her what's she's been doing and she told me that on Sunday she went to a fair with some friends (that I also know) and she described exactly everyone that was there (including her ex-boyfriend). I was kind of glad with this, because I think that if she had something to hide, she wouldn't mention him.
She says she wants to be my friend. Do you think that I should try to implement the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point to create a "false friendship" and go from there?
Thanks.
Kevin the legend really really helpful article mate I already feel much much better just one question would it make any difference if your ex was following same steps or something similar?
It's even better if they are taking time off and decide to work on themselves and their issues during no contact.
It is hard woth everyone saying that and him sending mixed signals. I hadn't really put thought into how long I was willing to wait for him. It was just like in how long I can get over him or feel like it's ok now to move on. 6 months is a long time.
I want to say I'll give him up to a year but I don't want to be wasting my time either. 6 more months for the year. I think I'm just expecting too much from someone who isn't ready to handle my love and loyalty. Someone who is more into his selfish needs than his family needs.
I'm just gonna have to move on and see other people while still being in love with him. I just didn't want to do that cause I don't find it fair for the person or myself.
I told him I wouldn't be waiting for him and I am open to going on dates but no guy has caught my attention like that.
Hey e.p.,
As long as you don't make any big commitments while dating other people, I think you are fine. Just keep your intentions clear and let them know that you are not looking for anything serious. I know it'll be hard to be interested in someone while you are still in love with him, but putting yourself out there will help you move forward. Even if it's little, it's still progress.
Thank you Kevin. I will try :)
I also feel like the major issue here is that frankly I don't want to move on and that I believe it was a really good relationship when we were together and letting it go is a mistake. I want it to work out and still love him. I'm having a hard time believing it was bad and wrong and that we're bad together. It's not like he cheated on me. Distance is not his fault or my fault. So that makes it easier to wait for him because technically nothing went wrong. Idk if there's a way to could terms that logic and make myself believe that it's time to move on.
Hey Anjali,
A lot of relationships that end in breakup are perfect, except for one tiny little flaw.
He is perfect for me, if only he could solve his drinking problem.
She is perfect, if only he could only learn how to control her anger.
We were perfect for each other, if only we had better jobs and were financially secure.
We would have been great together, if only we could find more time with each other.
In your case, this tiny little flaw is that you couldn't make it work with long distance. If he had a drinking problem or he was abusive (which are both fixable problems), what would you have done? You would have asked him to fix the problem and you would have supported him in fixing the issue. And still if he wasn't able to do so, you would have broken up and moved on. If you told him to fix his drinking problem, and eight months later, he still comes home drunk and starts abusing you, would you still wait for him? Telling yourself that it's not like he cheated on you.
I know there's a big difference between a drinking problem and not moving on from a long distance breakup. But both issues are bad for YOU. You are still not happy with your life and your relationship with him. In fact, it's making you confused, draining your emotional and mental energy, and keeping you from moving on and growing in your life.
So if he is not willing to fix the problem that's causing you distress, shouldn't you move on?
I actually have been seeing a therapist every two weeks. According to her what I'm going through is normal. I have shown some improvement and not as miserable as I used to be, getting on with my life etc, but I still miss him/ want to be with him. I'm not sure anyone but me can change that but I'm going to continue seeing the therapist and hope it helps.
Hey kevin, thanks for the advice im sure it will help!! i just came out a relationship yesterday after 5 years of being together... i was doing it all wrong so im glad i found this! thanks.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for replying. I don’t think he’s ready either. He needs some time to himself and even if he was to leave her and come back to me he’d have to prove himself to me. I wouldn’t just take him back like nothing ever happened cause it did and there’s no denying that.
I feel the same way like he’s not letting her go. I mean if he truly wanted her out he’d be straight up with her, supposedly he doesn’t cause she has nowhere to go and doesn’t want to leave her out in the streets but I don’t know.
One of my friend’s told me” You know what sucks is that I know he loves you but he knows you love him and your willing to stick around and that’s why I feel he isn’t scared to lose you” and its true I’m sure he thinks that, that’s why he’s not scared but he doesn’t want to see guys talking to me either.
No he hasn’t really been showing any kind of guilt. Well at least to me it doesn’t look nor feel like it. My friend was telling me the one that we use to hang out with as a couple she said he’s gone over her house to hang out with her bf and that when he see her daughter that’s our daughter’s age that he stares at her like he misses our daughter. She says she’s sure he misses us, our family but again actions speak louder than words.
After all this we are back to no contact. It's going to be 2 weeks again of no contact. Mixed signals all over again. It's now 6 months since we split and I'm still no over him. It's earier to cope with now but still hoping for that day he comes back to me telling me he's ready to be fully committed to me and our family.
I guess I just dream too big because I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
Hey e.p.,
This dream is the reason you are not over him yet and won't be any time soon. Unless you let go of that, you won't be able to truly grieve and move on. But I know it's hard since all the signs and everyone around you is saying that it will happen. 6 months is a long time. Have you asked yourself how long are you willing to wait for him?
well, I asked him if he wanted to catch up on friday. he texted me back saturday and said " yea it would be nice." He didn't tell me when he'd be free/didn't ask if I was. I texted him back late sat night asking when he was free. He still hasn't responded. I am worried that this means he's just moved on and doesn't care as anymore and feels like life is just fine/ better without me :(
It just makes me so sad to think that he stopped caring so quickly and here I am still wanting him in my life. I feel pretty pathetic. I realize its been over 8 months since we're broken up and I'm still not over him or moved on sigh. I just feel so resigned at this point. I'm smart, educated, accomplished, in medical school and about to be a doctor and I'm stuck on some guy.
It feels so degrading. I feel my life and I so much more than this and him but I can't stop loving him and it's making everything else horrible. It's not like I'm incapable of supporting myself emotionally and financially and need to rely on a guy and can't do anything better with my life. I've tried dating, engaging in hobbies more, socializing, not focusing on him etc. everything. But nothing makes it better and I still keep wanting to be with him. On the other hand, he seems to have replaced his time with 10 other social/work related things and finds it just as fulfilling and doesn't need me anymore. Its so unfair. I feel like I'm destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life and I'll never move on.
Hey Anjali,
At this point, I think getting professional help can help tremendously. Since it's been 8 months, and you have pretty much tried everything to move on, I think there are deeper issues at play here than just this guy and your relationship with him. Talk therapy can help you uncover them and discover the true reasons for your unhappiness and inability to move on.
Also, I don't believe that he has moved on. But, I will recommend you don't focus on that and use it as an excuse to continue having hope etc. Instead, get help in determining the 'cause of your inability to move on.
Hello Kevin,
22 days of no contact and
my ex called but i was not able to pick up the phone.Two hours later i return the call and she won't pick up.Maybe she dialed a wrong number or something?
Thank you ,
Stoyan
Maybe. Maybe not. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
Hello Kevin,
Another call from my ex.The phone was ringing for a good minute and a half.I didn't pick up on purpose.2 hours later i return the call.She called me that time and she is why do you call me.I called you because i had a missed call from you.No i didn't call you,i don't have the call in my outbound calls.I said its the second time in two days,would you like to meet me and she is like i don't think it is appropriate.I said let's meet up on Saturday and she says:I don't want to,maybe later.I said ok delete my number and don't call me then and she told me : Ok, I won't bother you anymore.What was that?
Thanks,
Stoyan
Your response showed that you are still hurt and needy. When she refused your invitation, you got hurt and attacked back. Bad move. I'll suggest you continue no contact and send an apology text next week for being rude. Keep it short and let her know that you need time to deal with the breakup and maybe you can catch up with her sometime later. 2 weeks after that, send her a text and see how she respond. Keep it light initially and if she is responding well, ask her out after a couple of days of texting.
Hey Kevin,
Next day after we spoke she send an emoticon in facebook and said that was a mistake,my response was ok ,happens.The next day she removed our pictures.
Do you think she still has feelings.Why did she even call in first place.Why did she remove the pictures now?
Thanks Stoyan
Thanks ,
Stoyan
Hi again! how do i act now when we broke up? We both know that we want to be with eachother but we can't.. it's because we had already in thoughts that we we're better off single, that actually made it more Ok to break up! for 2 days ago, he said that he wanted to give us a chance.. but when we met yesterday, i said to him ' maybe that chance you wanted, isn't for now.. but maybe after we've moved on and stuff ' we said yesterday, that we have to let go of past things that happened.. and he said he wants to meet me soon in summer! he also said that maybe we find eachother again after we've moved on and he did want to be with me now even if we can't.. I said to him, you can write to me whenever you want, but i think we have to move on first a bit and then we can maybe talk again, and maybe find eachother again..
The story between us is in another comment, but if it makes things more clear, he has told me that ' i've never been so happy, ' ' you have all the things i've searched for in a girl ' and he had futureplans with me actually!
I just need some advice.. do you Kevin, or anyone else think that we have a chance after we've moved on or so? i will take things as it comes and i just hope we're finding eachother again after we've let go of the bad things!
Yes, I think you have a chance even after you've moved on. Like I said before, work on your communication skills and try to figure out what caused all the issues in the relationship. Do no contact for a month or two and then get back in touch with him.
Hi kevin! i'm gonna do what you told me!
But what if, i uploaded a pic to insta yesterday and wrote that i'm going to get a new tattoo soon, which is true! right after he saw that,
He wrote to me on facebook! asking how i was feeling and he did ask what tattoo i was gonna get.. we're both into tattoos so i think he saw a opportunity to write to me .. it was a ' good ' break up, so should i answer just to be nice? i haven't answered him yet.. Thank you!
You can answer. But let him know that it's better if you both don't talk to each other for a while. Let him know that you think it's best for you to not communicate with him as it will help the healing process and give you two the much needed space.
Kevin.. he told me everything was fine, ' boring and lonely but fine ' i just said that i was going out for a run and goodbye, what now ? :/
Don't do anything. Continue no contact and keep working on yourself.
Hey Kevin! i haven't done anything since that thing, but he got a tattoo yesterday and sent a snapchat to me, my sister and mum.. you can put it on ' mystory ' so everyone you have on snapchat can see it, but he didn't do that! do you have any ideas why he's doing like this? is it because he takes for granted that i'm answering? please help :/
And now he wrote to me on Facebook ' does the tattoo hurt? ' should i ignore or answer? my friends tell me to ignore :/
Hey Lovisa,
If you are unsure, you can just tell him clearly that you don't want to speak to him for a while and you need space and time. After that, you can ignore him. Remember, ignoring him and doing no contact will be of no use if you don't use the time to work on the issues that caused the breakup. If I remember correctly, it was communication issues. So work on that. Take classes, read books or go to a therapist. If you want, let him know as well what you are doing to work on the issues. It's not about playing games or holding the upper hand. If you want that relationship to work, you have to work on yourself.
Kevin should i tell him to don't talk to me for awhile or should i ignore and keep doing NC? it's kind of confusing right now because we had a 'good' breakup.. it was mutual! does my chance of getting him back decrease if i don't reply him or is it better if i don't answer him? he wrote to me this saturday and it's monday today! Please help :)
Lovisa
Hi everyone! I know this is not about my ex.. well.. kind off? i would really need some advice .. basically, I'm 19, and he's 19 too, we have a distancerelationship and we're too similar in attitude and different things.. I tell him when i get hurt from something he did.. and he does it in the same way! but the problem is that he thinks I'm trying to hurt him when i tell him.. And ofcourse i think the same way when he tells me something i did! we actually ' broke up ' for 2 days ago, but in the same time we wanted to be with eachother! But we knew it would'nt work out because of fights and insecurities.. we talked, and i took the train to him yesterday so we could talk more! he Said nothing.. i Said everything i needed to say! like i came to realize things i did wrong! and believe me.. i took him for granted! i do that alot because of my exes got me everything.. well when we saw eachother, we had in mind that we we're going to be single, it felt so awkward being around him! before i went home i told him that my heart Said that i wanted to solve things with him and be with him! 1h after, he Said that he wanted that too! but now .. it's like we don't know If things are going to work out but we still want to try..
I think he had so strong feelings for me in the relationship so there is still a chance.. but we're been fighting alot the last months.. Is there anyone in here who can relate? Or give me some advice? ;/ thank you!
Hey Lovisa,
Take some time off from each other and think things through. Tell him it's a good idea to take a break from each other instead of breakup. During this time, learn some communication skills. Tell him to do the same. If your problem is just communication, then it can be easily solved. You just need to learn how to communicate. I highly recommend the book "Non-violent communications" By Marshall Rosenberg. Look into it.
Hi Kevin! He actually came to my house today.. we broke up :/ i actually felt reliefe, i think i need to let the infected parts of our relationship go.. we both want to be with eachother, he actually Said that he needs time to let things go and after that maybe go back.. do you think i have a chance? it feels alright now but i know it's gonna hurt sooner or later.. thank you so much!
I can totally relate i say go for it if he's really the one then don't let anything get in your way
What do you mean by totally relate
Hello Kevin,
So last week on Wednesday we decided to have a family day, just to spend it with our daughter and take her out. We were mature about it. Anyways that whole day he spent it with us and everything was going great. He was playing with our daughter and joking around with me. We were playing games and everything was going perfect.
There was a moment when a guy came up to me and then left and then my ex came up to me and said be careful with that guy he's weird. The guy later came back up to me and was talking to me and then my ex saw that from a far and walked up to us and stood right next to me and gave the guy a look I then said something to my ex about leaving to not make this situation big or anything.
We left and ended up hanging out with our friends. I was walking to the store alone with my daughter and he was going to go somewhere wit my friend's bf which is also his friend but then saw me walking alone and decided to walk with me to the store. He was also saying "we need to get our daughter a puppy" and talking about getting her a pet. I found it weird but maybe just over thinking that.
I did notice he was on his phone a lot like texting with someone but all I got to see was the area code he didn't have the number saved. The area code belonged to where his gf lived before. I found it odd that he didn't have the number saved. Anyways he still stayed there all day and the day was fun.
He had also mentioned to me earlier that day when he first picked us up that he wanted to take our daughter to Disneyland and I said he should that she would love it and then he said he had already asked his neighbor to get us tickets to go. Then he said our other friends should go too. We use to hang out a lot together with this couple they have a daughter our daughter's age. Anyways he said he asked his neighbor for 4 tickets (me,him and the couple) he said we should all go together and that sometimes this month.
I know he's not lying about it because my friend (the girl) told me my ex told her bf about it. I was surprised he had involved me into this. This came from him.
Like 2 days later my friend told me that my ex told him that same day we had the family day like just out of no where that his gf was stalking me on facebook. That he went through her phone & saw she stayed on my page & that he confronted her about it saying why are you on her page? Stop stalking my baby momma. He said it's creepy and that she didn't say anything. She must see me as a threat.
He also told me that he's trying to let her go slowly and he's starting to push her away and is planning to come back to me. Now I don't know if that's true or not sure how exactly he said it lol but actions speaker louder than words so that I'm not gonna believe.
I think he is showing good signs. However, this doesn't mean he is ready for a long term healthy relationship. From what you said, he is still not mature enough. He can not let go of his girlfriend and is trying to do it slowly. He is getting jealous of guys. Not to mention, he didn't have any time after the breakup just for himself, to learn more about himself and figure out what he really wants. And I don't suppose he has shown any guilt or remorse about cheating during the relationship.
well for starters, I think you are absolutely right to not believe him because who knows maybe he's just saying that to be rude/mean? I am trying to get back with my ex and after reading this article I realized that I've been taking the wrong approach. I need to take this advice and take it slow and not immediately tell him that I miss him and ask him out again. But I just wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broke up
Hey Kevin,
It's been about 3 weeks since I told him to stop telling me he loves me unless he wants to work things out. We agreed to talk as friends and see where things go. At first things went really well during the first week. We talked on the phone several nights a week and he was saying good morning/ good night and initiated calls too. Then he got really busy and we stopped talking on the phone but he still texted me once or twice a day.
After that, he suddenly dropped off the face of the planet while he was busy and didn't respond to my texts. Then, he sporadically texted me the 4-5 days later the second week to ask how I was doing to see if I was ok because he'd heard something on the news about my area having mudslides. I guess it was nice he checked to see I was ok, despite being busy. We texted some more that day and then this previous weekend he went mostly MIA only to ask me how my day/ weekend was going. No major extensive conversation like the first week. I'm not really sure how to interpret this.
Also, this weekend he was really free and told me about a bunch of fun stuff with his friends, but he never asked me if I free to chat or catch up or anything either. I'm not sure if I should initiate phone calls again or leave it on him. Last time he said he needed time for us as friends to see if he'd want to try long distance again. I sort of feel the pressure of having good conversations with him or he's not going to want to try a relationship again. At the same time, I feel like he should really be initaiting since he's the one who got busy and thats why we stopped talking on the phone much to begin with. At this point I feel like I've done everything I can and I should leave it up to him to initiate. But I also don't want to be passive aggressive/ play games and not talk to him on purpose.
We also stopped saying we love each other which was my idea, but I feel insecure about it now. What if he just gets over me? He had a ton of free time with his friends this weekend and seems really occupied with that and doesn't seem worried about losing me like he was before. I can't tell now, since I told him to stop telling me he loved me. I'm really confused and it help to know what you think about the situation from a third perspective. I'm getting very confusing feelings from all this.
Thanks,
Anjali
***I sort of want to ask him if he wants to catch up, because I want to talk, but at the same time I just wish it came from him and maybe I should just keep distant. But I don't like the passive aggressive tension it might create, when in truth I'm naturally just inclined to talk to him. I am going through these phases where I feel really resentful and upset at him because he doesn't want to put in a ton of effort to work things out but at the same time I really love him and I believe he loves me too, but just doesn't want to deal with the complicated ness of it all.
Hey Anjali,
I think it was the right decision to stop saying that you love each other. It helps define boundaries and shows that you know what you want and you won't settle for less. I don't think he is going to move on simply because of this. If I recall correctly, you two have had quite a bit of no contact and he always came back. This is no different. I think if you want to talk to him, you should initiate. Just don't be the one to be always initiating. Once you initiate, give him some time to to initiate next. Like a week or two. This way, you don't look needy.
Well, since its been like 2.5 weeks since we talked on the phone should I wait some more and see if he initiates a phone call or do it myself? I just feel like eventually its always me who gives in and initiates something and rarely him. Im still really confused why we were talking everyday for the first week and he was saying good morning and stuff and just randomly stopped. It doesn't make sense to me. Does it make sense to you? It just seems so sporadic. The first week it was almost daily phone calls and good mornings and goodnights and then he suddenly stopped.
Maybe he is just taking some time for himself. It's hard to guess the reasons for his actions. And I think it's best not to over analyse them since it only leads to confusion.. I think you should wait another week before initiating.
This was the single most helpful article I have found on the internet in this subject area, I swear it is. Thank you!
Hi,
My girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. Due to some incidents of her exs and insecurities of herself in her past, she wants to be "just friends" with me all of a sudden and wants to get back after she is alright. She says there is no other guy she is after and she finds me the best guy she's ever been with. But she wants to be friends and i dont know why or what to do. Could you please advice?
Hey Aaron,
Since you have already completed no contact, I don't see any harm in staying friends with her for now. Just agree with her. But make it clear that you will not be waiting for her forever. Tell her you want to be with her but you will not stick around if she wants to keep you as a backup. And set a time limit for yourself. Whatever her issues are, give yourself a realistic time period based on that. And if she doesn't want to get back together after that time period, give her an ultimatum. If she says no, move on.
Hey Aaron,
Mine is the same case. I don't understand why she wants to be just friends when she was in such a great relationship in past. Now she's with a guy who was in relationship with her in past. When we talked after the no contact period, she said she love me very much but as a friend. She is still in relation with this guy, although it is an on-off relationship. Just can't understand what to do. Hope Kevin will give us a good solution.
Thanks alot.
I'll try this out and I just HOPE this works, but I already broke the first few rules about going behind, Hope is still works.
Thanks Kevin.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you for replying. Yes I think I do need to really try to let go to be open to dating again in the future. I just love him so much but that really shouldn't matter. You're right he did do me wrong for so long and I should try to find someone who treats me right. I need to work on myself and just worry about me but I still end up thinking about him and if he maybe thinks of me too.
Since he gave me mixed signals last time I took it as something more but I should've just took it as nothing. I'm sure he feels I won't be getting over him anytime soon and especially cause the text message I had sent him a month ago that's why he doesn't even feel scared of losing me but I should show him it's possible.
I'm about to start a new job real soon hopefully that just keeps me distracted a lot. I'm sure it will though. Thank you so much Kevin.
Kevin please help me. I'm going a bit crazy. I have done no contact for 2 weeks well he called me just now but to pick up our daughter tomorrow. He sent a bit of mixed signals the last time we were together but now is like nothing. The whole story is above this comment.
Hey Kevin!
Your advice is amazing! I really have been having a roughy 3 days trying to figure out how to work things out with my ex and I have been so confused. I'm definitely going to give this step by step a shot!! You are a great guy! Appreciate it so much!!
I guess I've given all hope on my ex. Not cause I'm over him but because this relationship he's in seems to be too much of a roller-coaster for him. I was out with his sister the other day and we started off talking about her guy problems but then ended up talking about mine.
She told me how she didn't like his new girlfriend, that she wasn't bringing anything good to her brother. That she was just a girl with issues. She then told me that he's always like "man I'm over this hoe" "I'm just going to drop this hoe off and get her out my life" yet he doesn't. She said se told him to not tell her anything until he means it.
She also told him how he worries more about her than our daughter. She told me she doesn't know her to not like her but she doesn't care to know her. That she doesn't bring anything good to her family. She said her brother is still unemployed and his girlfriend doesn't even motivate him to go get a job.
I told her I was helping. That I'd send him some I saw that he'd qualify for. She also said she knows he's going to come looking for me but for me to not wait on him. She said to just keep trying to live and get my life together.
She said her and her guy best friend(mutual friend) were talking about us and he said that he knows my ex is going to come back to me that he's a guy and just being stupid but that when he decides to come it's going to be up to me whether I take him back or not and if I don't then he's f*cked.
It's funny how everyone is sure he's going to come back. The 5 months are up. I guess I'm finally losing hope since the first time we were separated it was for 5 months. I want to lose full hope so I can get over him.
Hey E.P :( I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm right there with you:( I think we started posting here around the same time. Its been 7/8 months since I broke up with my ex. We did 2 months of no contact and he contacted me and I thought we'd get back together. We were in this in between space for a while where he told me he loved me but couldnt handle long distance.... I only recently told him to stop saying it and he has but it scares me. What if he moves on? I'm definitely not over him and I can really relate to what you're saying. I wish I could stop loving him or give up all hope. He gives me signs he likes me so I'm stilling hanging on....I just want him to tell me he's done with it. Thought I'd let you know you're not alone and other people feel the same.
Hello Anjali :)
well at least your ex would tell you he loves you. Mine told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore either. Of course this was said when he first broke up with me 5 months ago. About a month ago I sent him a long message telling how I felt. How I was still in love with him and how I knew he still did too. We just have that natural chemistry. He didn't reply but I didn't expect him to. Anyways after that like the following week he gave me a mixed signal twice but then after that completely ignored me. I haven't seen or spoke to him in 2 weeks well he just called me trying to pick up our daughter but anyways this sucks. I just want my family back together.
Wish you the best. Hope you can get your ex back if that's who you truly want to be with. I just pray I can get my ex back.
Hey e.p.,
I think you are mostly concentrating on him coming back to you and not you moving on. I can see how having hope of him coming back can stop you from getting over him. I think it might be a good idea to give up hope. Just for the sake of moving on. It might be painful. But I think at this point, it's necessary. You are forgetting the fact that he cheated on you many times. Was lying constantly and didn't respect you much. You can do a lot better than that. Whether or not he will come back, should be irrelevant. You need to let him go to become emotionally available for someone who you deserve.
Hi kevin,just a quick update.So i spoke to my ex one month ago and she initially agreed to visit me at home,but she had some conditions.I wont be able to stay for more than an hour and so on and i cancelled and told her that i'm not interested in being her friend and if she would like to date me,just to call.So another 20 days passed and i called her by a mistake,but decided to take the opportunity and ask her out.So initially she will agree.We will set up a date and 2 days later she called me to ask why do i want to see her.I told her that i just want to meet her dink some beers and have fun.She told me that she doesn't think it is appropriate because she is in a relationship and to meet another time in the future and she would want to let me know that she is interested in friendship,nothing more than that.I told her to call me if she wants to date me.So could you explain.Is she over me?Was this relationship real or she was seeking some reaction.If so what is the chance for that relationship to be rebound?Why is she hot and cold non stop.I forgot to mention a good friend of mine called her to beg to give me a chance.I didn't know about that.I guess i have no chance,but still a little insid will be appreciated.
Thank you,
Stoyan
We split almost 1 and a half month ago and she left me a month before that.
Hey Stoyan,
Her relationship is probably a rebound. I will suggest you take the false friendship approach instead of asking her to date you directly. It will give her an excuse to spend time with you and will give you an opportunity to rebuild attraction.
Hi Kevin,thank you for your help.I don't know how to ask her to stay friends anymore .should i call her now,should i wait another month.What should be my approach,because she is getting hot and called and i think because of my friend bothering her she sees me as weak and wouldn't like to the friendship at that moment.The last time i told her to not bother me, unless she wants to date me.Wouldn't it be weak to call her now and tell her that i have reconsidered and would like to be friends?Your help is much appreciated
Thanks Kevin
Do no contact for a month. And then contact her. Don't mention anything about being friends or dating unless she asks. Just ask her to catch up.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you very much for helping me.Just out of curiosity why do you think she will be interested in going out with me after another month ,when she turned me down the last time? The first time i called her ,she was really positive and agreed to meet me at my place.The second time i called she's been cold ,but agreed to meet me and 2 days later cancelled.What i'm asking basically if the things with the other guy are getting more serious,wouldn't she be more cold towards me.I really don't know what to do in that situation,i'm afraid that it will come as too needy.On the positive side,she didn't delete any of her facebook pictures and she didn't upload any new pictures(Why would she want to keep those pictures ,if she is in a relationship already?)
Thank you ,
Stoyan
Like I said before, her relationship is probably a rebound. And after a month, chances are it will only get weaker. I think you have a better chance after a month of no contact and a few text conversations. On the other hand, if you keep texting her right now and asking her to meet you, it will look needy especially after your friend's incident and the fact that she already cancelled on you once. A month will give you a clean slate to start again.
Hi again Kevin,
My ex and I have been chatting a lot recently. We broke up last August. She has told me that she misses me. She is with someone else. When she was unable to reach me for a few days she got really worried and upset because she thought she had done something to upset me.
I have been wondering if I should tell her that I am crushing on her again. For a long time I didn't care if I got her back, but now I do. Now it sucks that she is dating someone else. She has admitted to me that she is unsure about her current relationship etc, all the information here says to wait on her, but I will like I need to tell her. Let her know how I am feeling. If she doesn't feel the same, then that's it. If she does feel the same, then that's amazing.
I will recommend you wait for her relationship to fall apart before making a move. But if you want to go for it, then go for it. I think enough time has passed and from what you said, I think you will probably get a positive response.
Thanks for the advice. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I am currently on another continent. I will however be back in the same city soon, but then have to leave again for a month.
Should I wait until I get back?
When you get back, see if she wants to meet up. I think it'll be better if you go out with her at least once (preferably twice) before telling her how you feel.
Thanks for the advice Kevin. She was pretty insistent on meeting me my first day back, but couldn't because of work, we ended up hanging out the next morning, taking the dogs to a park. Then I had to leave for another city for about three weeks. I'll see how much she stays in contact, or how much she wants to meet up after I come back.
Depending on that, I'll end up telling her how I feel, because I cannot wait for her current relationship to end, as I feel it won't in a time frame I'd be happy with.
Good luck. :)
I have a question.
Does still being angry with one another mean there's still strong feelings?
I'm just asking cause I don't feel there's not any much anger left between me and my ex so could that mean the feelings aren't there anymore? I mean I know my feelings are but like his?
We get along perfectly when we're around each other.
Being angry with each other means there are still strong feelings. But the opposite is not necessarily true. As is apparent from your feelings. Besides, every person is different.
Thank you, Kevin.
Of all the websites I read while coping with my first breakup, this was the most helpful for me. I read it several times over the past few months. Again, thank you. --Micah
My boyfriend told me that he needed a break and time. I am going to follow your steps and hope for the best. Great article btw
Hey Kevin,
Hope all's well. Haven't posted here in a while and thought I'd fill you in. I followed your advice and waited to see how I felt before I acted. He said he loved me again to which I didn't respond and initiated a conversation to see where this was going. I asked him if he has intentions of getting back together and he said he didn't know. I said what I want to do is work towards getting back together in which case it's be ok to say I love you and stuff but it's been confusing me otherwise. He said he understood and he'd stop saying it. He said he needed some time to think about my proposal because he is really hesitant about long distance and feels like it won't work. In the meantime we've been talking as friends and texting/talking more frequently than we ever have since the break up. It's nice that he's not saying he loves me anymore because it reduces confusion
But I'm kind of worried that if he stops saying it and we keep talking as friends like this he'll just move on and switch to seeing me as a friend. Was it a bad move to say that we shouldn't say it unless we're really trying to get back together?
I've been trying not to bring up relationship talk because that seems to ruin things every time they get better. Conversations have definitely been more fun and enjoyable I think he's more likely to want to try long distance again if he's more convinced it won't fail.
I've been enjoying talking to him but I feel a little nervous that I told him to stop saying he loves me unless he wants to get back together. I'm not sure if it was a good move or not.
Anjali
I think it was a good move. You are setting boundaries which shows that you respect yourself. And I don't think it's going to have any effect on him moving on. If anything, it'll make you more attractive since you are taking control of the situation and doing what you think is right for yourself.
Hey, I have a question regarding the letter. If a girl i hurt lives somewhere abroad and i cant give her the letter personally. Can i make a video apology on skype or something telling her everything like in the letter.
Regards,
I think making a video will probably make it look like you are putting too much effort into it. Sending an email will be a better option.
Thank you
I feel I could trust him in the future but he'd have to prove himself to me. I think we could have a healthy lasting relationship but when he matures. Now that I think of it more maybe right now is not our time. Right now we probably wouldn't have a full healthy relationship. We'd probably fall back into a pattern. He needs to mature and know when to commit and stay faithful.
He's clearly still playing games. He knows how I feel towards him so he most likely wants to keep me there but he also wants to keep her. Apparently they're still together even when we were hanging out and he called me babe.
I know he still loves me I feel it. I mean come on I know him but he's trying to hold back and I don't know why. Even his aunt told me. But you're right, right now probably wouldn't be the best time for us to get back.
Like you said he needs to have fun and do everything he feels he needs to do before we can get back. He needs his freedom like I do too. I don't consider myself to be a terrible person even if I was needy. I'd like to think of myself as a loyal girlfriend who was always there for him so I know he's going to miss that and realize one day he messed up.
He needs to make his mistakes on his own so he won't make them if were to get back together.
Hello Kevin
well I forgot to update you. He did come over the next day like he said he would and we were ok, talking a bit not much cause my neighbor came over with her son and her boyfriend was talking to my ex. Anyways he then got a call from his uncle. By the way before I get into that. He use to never leave his phone around me well like towards the last couple weeks before we broke up and if he did he had it locked.
Ok back to the call. So he missed it cause he was outside with my friend's bf. I then went to take him his phone and he asked who had called him and told him his uncle and I also noticed he didn't have a lock on his phone (not much to it, I know) but he's left his phone around a couple times the day before and that day too and he wasn't even worried about it.
I didn't go through it even though I had chances cause to be honest I wasn't interested nor did I want to see anything that could put me down. Maybe he's trusting me to leave his phone around. Anyways he ended up saying he was gonna take our daughter to his house so I said ok and then he left.
Later on that night I went to the movies with my friends and he watched our daughter. He kept texting me to see if the movies was over and what time was I gonna get home cause it was late already I told him if he wanted I could've picked her up or he could keep her over night but he said no that he could drop her off.
Anyways it was like 11 and the movie was soon gonna end. He texted me again asking if it was over and I said no but that I thought it was gonna end soon. I felt like maybe he didn't believe me and thought I was making up excuses so he could keep our daughter longer so I sent him a picture of the screen and said "so you can see I'm not lying or like lagging it" he replied saying I believe you before the picture even send since the message was sent first.
Anyways for him to believe anything I say and trust me to not go into his phone he must be healing over the bad break up and bad image of me acringe needy. I know I can't over think what he's thinking since they're not clear. I just feel like the longer we're apart the more I want him.
His aunt also told me the other day that she knew he was gonna come back to me and that he was just using the excuse of seeing our daughter to really be around me which I did find odd since he stopped doing that like 3 months ago he normally would just come pick her up for a weekend and then drop her off but to actually hang out with both of us.
I felt that vibe when he was around me that he wanted to like tell me something but didn't know how and he would like stare at me and then look away. I felt that love, he can't deny it, even though he wants to and I don't know why. The chemistry is there and anyone can see it and feel it.
But I won't make another move. I made my move by texting him that one time. He could've replied or something but chose not to so now it's all in his hands cause I'm not going to beg him. I am still trying to move on though just in case. Have to expect the worst so I won't be disappointed.
Anyways what's your opinion on this? :)
*acting not acringe
Yes, you should not make any move for now. However, the questions you should be asking are, do you trust him? Do you think you will be able to trust him if you get back together? Do you think it'll be a healthy relationship or it will fall back to the same pattern after a year or two? It seems you are just concentrating on whether or not you will get back together; while you should be concentrating on whether or not you two can have a healthy long lasting relationship.
Ive been doing no contact for almost 3 days it feels good. My ex has been texting and calling me. I have no responded. At first it was "are you ok" then it was "when are you going to the gym? I need to know so you dont have to see me" then it was "I want to drop some stuff off at your house it that ok?" And she was the one who told me that she didnt want to give me my stuff back. Is she just trying to get me to respond? What shouls I do? Should I continue to not reply? Is she trying to get some kind of recognition on my part? If she keeps texting and calling should I wait a day or two and if it continues should I tell her I need space and time. (This was assumed during our laat face to face conversation so idk what shes doing.)
Hey Dayton,
Yes, if she continues texting you for 2-3 days, tell her you need space and time. BTW, it only feels good because she is texting you constantly. Don't expect to feel like this through out no contact. It's going to be a roller coaster. Especially when she stops texting you. So be prepared for that mentally.
Hi Kevin,
I wish I discovered this sooner as Ive been making the deadly mistakes for a month now. I saw my ex yesterday and it was nice till I said something (but not on purpose) that really pissed him off and now he hates me more than ever. He said he doesn't want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again. Do you think he was just angry and it will pass or is it completely doomed. I'm so upset that it could have gotten even worse than it was! I know if I'd done no contact a while back we might be together but now he really hates me and he finds it hard to let anything go and he thinks our relationship wasn't great anyway even though some was his fault but he can't see that. But I know he still cares for me a bit...
Thanks
If he hates you and is getting angry, it means that he still has strong feelings for you. It's a good sign. And it means that you still have a good chance. Follow the plan and do no contact.
I have posted this in the boards but my post has this "awaiting for moderation".
How do I know of my ex is playing mind games with me? Do you have an article pertaining to that?
Hey,
Your post was deleted because you posted on someone else's topic. You need to create a new topic. I don't have any article on this topic. But perhaps reading this article and this article will give you some ideas. But in most cases, no contact should be enough for them to stop playing mind games. A lot of times, they just keep messaging you just to keep you as a backup. If you do no contact, you will take away that power from him and he will stop playing the mind games. Even if you are not sure that he is playing mind games, no contact will still be beneficial.
What happens if your ex refuses to answer during/after NC? I have done NC with other people but never had this happen before. I have heard that means you need more time off (ex. instead of 30 go to 60) but they do eventually come around. Everyone misses each other.
It's the worst because there's nothing you can do except wait it out. Is this true? Any other suggestions?
Yes, pretty much the only thing you can do which won't make you look needy and desperate is wait it out. In most cases, your ex will start answering you after some time. But if they don't answer you even after a longer no contact, then you should definitely try to move on. There is no point in waiting for someone who is not interested in you for the rest of your life.
hi Kevin
So her grandfather died 3 days ago and she was really close to him. We broke up 2 month ago but we had a lot of contact (almost every day, she was even thinking to came back to me). What should i do now? Whats going on in her mind now?
Thanks
Hello Kevin,
So we hung out today cause he came to visit our daughter. Anyways he came and we then went to go get something to eat cause our daughter wanted something anyways I then heard him call me babe by accident. It just slipped out BUT he just played it off say baby to our daughter. Like if he was talking to her. I didn't say anything and I acted like I didn't hear anything.
He then also said he's coming over again tomorrow. Could it be it's finally hitting him and he's getting over the bad image of our relationship? Could it be cause of the text message I sent? This is the first time we see each other after the text. Or is it just me making up a fantasy in my head?
Hey e.p.,
You are forgetting that he is the one who cheated on you and even if he wants you back, you shouldn't take him back unless you are sure you will not fall into the same pattern again. What does all that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe he is thinking about you and getting back together. I can't be sure. Neither can you. All you can do is make sure you don't act needy and don't go back to the same old relationship which left you miserable.
Hi Kevin,
I posted some days ago and dont know if my comment got approved. I am really stressed and going through a bad time for 8 months now. Please help :-/
Hey Jamie,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.
Hey Kevin,
So I never ended up giving him the ultimatum because I didn't feel strong enough to do it. Lately, he hasn't even texted me much. No I love you's, no anything really. No asking me to talk on the phone or anything like he was last month. Once he texted me found of my hair clips and this week he texted me and asked " how's your week going?" I just don't know anymore. I feel like maybe he's just moving on and I feel stuck. I'm not sure why he texted me and asked me about my week. I gave a normal friend like response back and politely asked about his.
Maybe he just misses me as a friend. I went on a date last night with someone because I've been trying dating recently and I just ended up missing my ex. I almost wanted to text him that I love him/miss him but resisted the urge because I remembered out last conversation and just his unwillingness for long distance/ to visit/ move around here.
I mean we're almost basically doing no contact now. I haven't really been initiating and he hasn't really either besides that one text. I almost want to go back to talking more. Things has been feeling good just talking more frequently even if we weren't together. It felt like they'd been moving in a positive direction and we could get back together in the future. Would it be a bad idea to start initiating a lot of conversation/expressing feelings?
Anjali
Hey Anjali,
The problem with keeping constant contact is that it doesn't guarantee you anything. And if it doesn't work, you will anyways have to go through the pain of getting over him and moving on. If he has shown unwillingness to move forward even after significant no contact and staying in touch for a while after that, I will not recommend you wait for him anymore. Getting over him will be hard and painful, but he has left you no option in my opinion.
An ultimatum kind of helps you make the final decision. If he rejects you still, you can be at peace that you have tried everything in your power and there is no point wasting more time. On the other hand, a part of you will always want to hold on to the hope, which is why it's hard to give an ultimatum.
Even if you decide to go against my advice, and start contacting him again, you should at least give yourself a time limit. A month or two. After which, you give him an ultimatum.
Hello Kevin,
Yeah I didn't beg him just told him how I felt. I know I need stop focusing on that. I haven't contacted him since then. I'm okay though. Knowing he knows makes me feel at peace.
Hello Kevin,
So I'm going a bit crazy. I made a mistake out of impulse but at the same time I feel at peace because I'm not hiding my feelings. I didn't text him anymore. After that one message I just left it as that and no he didn't reply, which either way I didn't expect him to. I rather him not reply than to tell me he doesn't feel anything for me. I know just cause he didn't reply it doesn't mean he's like in love with me. I feel like I probably put myself back in his thoughts. Maybe. I don't know. Hope you saw what I texted him. Help.
Hey e.p.,
It's OK that you texted him. In my opinion, it would have been better if you didn't. But I guess in the long run it won't matter that much since you just mentioned your feelings and didn't beg or plead for him to get back together. Like I said before, you need a long period of no contact if you want to have healthy relationship (with him or someone else). So, I'll recommend you stay no contact from now and stop focusing on him and his feelings.
Hey Kevin,
I posted on here twice this past week and I don't see either comment. Was there a reason it wasn't approved?
Christina, the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post on the message boards
I texted him. I was listening to music having a drink and I ended up texting him. Ugh! I messed up!
I sent this...
You know what. F*** it. I miss you & I'm still in love with you. I'm not going to be playing games here. You know my feelings towards you. I might not ever get over you. Now this doesn't mean I expect anything from you. This doesn't mean I'm waiting for you. This doesn't mean I need you, just want, cause need, I pretty much gave up on needing anyone, only our daughter. I know what it is I just wanted to remind you. But I know deep down you still feel it too. We just have that natural chemistry. Don't worry don't feel obligated to reply or anything. Like I said I don't expect anything from you.
Hey Kevin,
Well the first time we were together for 10 months and he didn't cheat on me or I never caught him but he was always with me so I doubt he did.
I was with him today again and everything felt so comfortable like and we were getting along perfect. He was telling me everything about what's been going on with him and some future plans and we were joking around. Everything was just so familiar. I miss that feeling. I don't want to repeat the same story but I do feel one day we can work out.
All that keeps replaying in my head is him telling me "me and you will never get back together" and "I dont love you anymore" then 5 months later we got back(that was the first break up).
This time he said similar things "I don't love you anymore" "I don't think I'll ever love you again" (cause I had asked him if he could ever love me again and he said I don't think so). We're 4 months into this break up and now more than ever I'm going crazy. Maybe cause I still have hope since the first time it was 5 months of being broken up. I guess I just feel I'm running out of time since in like 3 weeks it'll be 5 months.
Still doing no contact. Only contact we have is about our daughter.
Hey e.p.,
Well last time you got back together, but then you broke up again. And he cheated on you again. Do you want the same story to repeat itself? Your decisions shape your life. You will probably be given a choice in the future where you have to decide if you want to repeat the same pattern with him or change it. Choose wisely.
Thanks Kevin words of gold. Needed advice this is perfect.
You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.
Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
Thank you Kevin.
Also I saw him last night. We were cool but now I'm starting to feel like he's avoiding to be with me alone. Last night we took our daughter to the hospital and he dropped us off and said he was going to be back but then he just ended up trading places with his mom.
I don't know I just feel he doesn't want to be anywhere it involves it being just me and him. Like in a car he's ok but when it comes to being somewhere and waiting with me he tries to avoid it. Always comes us with an excuse.
Before they broke up he wouldn't really mind like he'd be around me but just walk around or sit with me, like he could actually stand next to me but now that they broke up he doesn't try to be around me for long. I wonder why?
Whatever his reasons are, it shouldn't matter. You should stop trying to figure out everything that goes on in his mind.
You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he'll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can't rush this.
Yeah that's what I'm going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I'll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he's young and immature so he's going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
Thank you Kevin.
I decided I’m not going to text him at all. Even after 2-3 months of no contact. By then he’ll probably be really over me and I’ll just get rejected and feel dumb. I need to move on even if I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want to do, I don’t want to feel like I gave up on my heart but this love towards him is overwhelming.
Especially lately all I’ve been thinking about is him. I hate that they told me they broke up because when he was with her and I knew I wouldn’t check his page or think about him as much but now that’s all I do.
I know she doesn’t live him anymore because his cousins posted videos with him for St. Patrick’s and they were out at a bar and he wouldn’t leave her there by herself nor would he take her since his family doesn’t like her. But I know he was with her this past Saturday cause he was with her dad so only figures. But then next day is when his mom told me about him asking her what was she doing there and to not go over there making a scene and they were arguing. So I’m assuming last time they saw each other was Sunday but I don’t know.
I keep thinking I have a chance and he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back asking for a chance but that doesn’t seem to be happening or nowhere near close.
Hey e.p.,
It's a good decision. There's a good chance he will want to come back. But it can take some time. And there's no point in waiting for it to happen or obsessing over him. Just because his relationship ended doesn't mean he will want to come back. It will probably take him quite a bit of time to realise what he is missing. It can even take up to a year. He is young and he is enjoying his freedom. Let him. In fact, if he comes back right now, there's a very good chance he will cheat on you again and leave you. But if he comes back after a long time, when he has had his share of "young fun" and has matured enough, you two will have a better chance of maintaining a healthy functioning relationship for a long time.
Hi Kevin,
I've been doing what you suggested mostly and letting him initiate.We talked on the phone this weekend and it was really late at night and were both exhausted. I hadn't been planning on brining anything about relationship/long distance but I couldn't help it.
I asked him if he was still looking for jobs about here/ what he thought about long distance. He said that he loved me and wanted to be in the same place with me and long distance was just too hard. He also said it was difficult to find a job around where I am. I asked him what he thought was the difference between long distance and what we're doing now and he said a bunch of idk's eventually telling me this wasn't as satisfying.
He also contradicted himself during the conversation and said he loved me and missed and really wished he could see me. I told him he should visited and he said he couldn't take off from work ( but he is taking off for his sisters graduation) . This upset me because it felt like basically i don't cross the line of being important enough. I really want this/ us to work out but I'm not sure where all of this is going .We were both falling asleep while we talked and I'm not sure if I need to have this conversation again and just tell him that this in between talking thing is not going to lead anywhere unless he wants to somehow make long distance work. I just don't know anymore. I thought he really cared and was being genuine.
Part of me just wants to say that there's no point in talking anymore. Another part wants to ask him why he doesn't want to do long distance/ if there's any way he's be willing to do it. But i worry it makes me sound desperate. Is it because he's scared it'll turn into how it was before? I think that may be the reason but i think we've also both matured and would probably deal with things better too. But idk if that's just my opinion.
I'm just confused now about what to do/ even how I feel. I'm tired of games. The truth is I still really want to be with him and I can't just keep pretending what in between talking is totally cool/ and i'm not invested even though I am . I also just don't know if he's confused too or he's basically decided he doesn't want this enough to figure things out.
Hey Anjali,
I think you can talk to him about why he doesn't want to try without sounding desperate. Just ask for reasons calmly and don't try to convince him too much. Let him know the reason you are asking is because you are tired and you want to move on and you want to be sure about this before moving on. If he still says no then you can be sure this is not leading anywhere and you can move on.
*Kevin sorry phone autocorrected. Hey Kevin I don’t know if you saw my earlier message but my ex and his young rebound broke up two weeks ago and four days later we aborted the baby, what steps should I take to try to get him back now that they broke up? (She dumped him)
Wait a couple of weeks. And then just get back in touch. If he contacts you during those two weeks, you are free to reply. But don't initiate contact right now. It'll look desperate and obvious.
Hi Kevin I'm havin trouble gettin my ex back but I love him and I know he loves me because he has told me but I keep messaging him an he won't answer what shall I do to get my ex back
Follow the plan Shania.
Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking that's why I'm not going to text him. I'm going to lwt him make the move if he wants. We don't talk at all unless it's about our daughter. I've basically been doing no contact for a while. I do think we need more time apart though. He needs to heal from everything.
Hello Kevin ,
Thank you for the help.I really appreciate it.A few things that i forgot to mention just came up.Right before we break up she was telling me that she is not feeling appreciated.She was doing everything in her power to fix the problems in the relationship.But i was not helping her much.After a fight we had, I told her that it will be a good idea to split for 20 days.She told me that we have never been apart for so long and she is really feeling bad.During these 20 days i send a message to her once and had her on the phone twice.She was first to contact me after 6 days of being split.She was really missing me,but she wouldn't call because she didn't want to look needy and i know that for fact ,because she payed me a visit 6 days before the deadline ends.She needed to pick some clothes and she told me that i have called her once and she has called me twice...When i went to her house to learn her decision at the end of the period, she was very confused,despite the fact that she wanted to break up.As you already know, she asked me three times what is the right choice and told me that she is not sure about her decision,that she might decide against it later ,but she doesn't want me to wait for her.I asked her if she still loves me and she told me that she is not sure .She thinks she does,but she is feeling better without me.Next time we spoke ,she told me that she couldn't imagine living without me,but she is fine without me and really likes her life now.When she came to pack her stuff she melted down and started hugging me and kissing me.On the very next day i went to her house with a bunch of flowers and as a reward i received a few hugs and a passionate kiss.Two days later i called her to try to convince her not to pick her stuff and to ask her out.She told me that she needs her luggage and that she have plans for Friday,but she is not sure if she can cancel them.Anyway she called on Thursday(that was not expected at all) to tell me that she can not cancel her plans and to check how am i doing. She mentioned that we might go out next week.I started making some positive changes in my life already.Started going out with friends,went to the gym 4 or 5 times..The thought that concerns me most at the moment is that she broke up with me ,just to not get dumped.And i think that she expects me to fight for her,because she did reward me when i bought the flowers and she showed some interest by calling me back to check on me,despite the fact that she didn't cancel her plans.When i call her she is friendly most of the time.I would really like to call her and ask her out again,but i am not sure if it is a good idea .Should i continue with the nc ,or should i try to text her or ask her out,or maybe wait until she re-initiates the conversation.
Thank you ,
Stoyan
I still think you should do no contact. She is rewarding your behaviour because it reassures her that you will not move on even if she doesn't want to be with you. Which means she can have her cake and eat it too. You will be waiting for her while she has the freedom to find someone better. If you want to try it your way (not doing no contact), then at least make a move and ask her to get back together (after a week or so). Tell her that you don't like her dragging you along and not letting you move on, and she should either get back together or you will stop contacting her and try to move on. If she doesn't get back together still, do strict no contact and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin
Iam in a very complicated situation. Me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, but we had contact almost every second day. We still love each other, but she says she dont want to have a realitionship with me at the moment. She is afraid that i will never change. And there is another guy who wants her. So now she has to decide if she wants me back or go to the new guy. We even talked about NC and iam fine wit it, but she cant stand it without me and is still calling me. (Also because she has panik attacks) Is it really okay to do the NC or should i fight like hell to get her back? I just really dont want to loose her to this guy.
Ps: sry, if my english isnt that well, iam from austria :)
Hey Fry,
You should do no contact. And make positive changes in your life during no contact. Even if she starts a relationship with that other guy, it'll be a rebound. And it'll end. She is not over you yet and will not be over you anytime soon. Tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup and you can't stay in touch with her.
Hi Kevin,
Iam starting to think that she isnt good anymore for me. The situation with her is very complicated and iam not even sure if its really over or not. I have the feeling that Iam just waiting for her and and that she can have me back whenever she wants. Isnt it better to really make a point and live with the pain that shes gone rather then waiting for her until she knows what she wants and live with the pain of uncertainty.
At the moment shes in a Rebound Relationship and there have been reasons why I broke up with her. Iam very afraid that shes not changing so fast. Moreover i really dont need this complicated situation in my life at the moment. Its my heart what wants her back so badly.
Should I talk to her and make the cruel point and continue NC (maybe even she will realise some stuff about me, when iam gone) or should i just continue NC, trying to get happy without her and focus on my life? I dont know which pain is better :(
Ps: Sry for my bad English
You should just continue no contact. At least for a month. If after that, you feel the need for talking to her, go ahead. But until then, it's better if you do strict no contact.
I think i scew up... I broke the NC called her, made drama and was crying. We realised that her calls everyday are destroying me and we said one month NC. I hurt her again. Is there still hope for me?
Maybe i need this to really focus on myselfe...
So don't text him? Again I don't really want to play games but if I text him then that will take away the purpose of him realizing it right? Should I let him look for me so then I can show him I'm not willing to accept anything less than I deserve? Cause if I text him I miss him and let's say he says it back then how do I tell him he has to work on things? or if he says it back do I just not reply back to him?
I'm so confused. Maybe I should let more time pass since his relationship with her kind of just ended. Maybe wait a week or 2? I always had in mind that if he came back I was going to make him work for me. Prove everything he would say and show him and tell him I wouldn't put up with anything. Do you think texting him "I miss you" is a bad idea?
Maybe texting him takes away from me saying I won't put up with all the bs. It's been 4 months since we've been broken up. I should wait longer right? Wait and see what he does?
No, texting him is a bad idea. Not only because he might reject you, but also because it'll make him realise that no matter what he does, you will always be waiting for him. Let him make the moves. If he decides he wants to. If he doesn't, you should move on. Even if you want to text him, you should do at after at least 2-3 months of no contact. Even if he texts you right now (or a week from now), you should not engage in any conversation with him that is not about your child. If you don't want to be rude to him, tell him you need time and space right now. Doing no contact is more important than anything else right now. Like I said before, it'll be a roller coaster ride, having some set rules and guidelines for yourself will help you get through it.
Kevin I tried posting a few days ago. I need your help so bad. Are you there? Its about my ex . My heart is broken. I need help so badly
Kevin I know you said to post on the message boards. I tried to but my phone messed up. I just have a quick question if you could please take the time to reply id value it greatly and I wont trouble you again, I need help from the best. Ao me and my ex have been together for almost 3 years we broke up in jan. She said it was because I didnt treat her like a gf. She agreed to still date me but she wanted to see other guy, because she is 19 she doesnt want to feel trapped. She said she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore. During the months weve gone out. Slept together, been intimate. She says I love you. But when I confront her she says she isnt ready and this guy she was dating made her "lose her feelings for me." She went to this party and called me today telling me she had fun and ect. I got emotional and asked her if she wanted to get back together. She got a little upset and said its too soon so I told her I needed space and time, starting nc today. Ive said the same thing before but took it back because I couldnt do it. So she replied thag I need to make up my mind and it doesnt matter if I talk to her or not and thag I need to stick with it because I end up crawling back to her. That was her words. Tell me kevin is nc a good idea in my situation? She told me a week ago thag she didnt want to talk to me anymore but she told me a day later thag she doesnt want to let me go and she started to miss me. Can I save my relationship? I have begged and cried in front of her through all of this and I looked pathetic, she knows im not like this im just filled with grief thag ive lost a part of me.. please help me im begging you I need some advice.
Hey Dayton,
Yes, no contact is a good idea. But to be honest, she is young and wants to stay single. So you shouldn't expect a commitment from her anytime soon. I'll recommend you continue no contact for at least a couple of months and try to move on. I assume you are young as well, and you should explore your options as well since she is clearly not on the same page as you.
If you still want her after 2 months of no contact, contact her and see where she stands. Take things slowly but you will soon understand if her attitude is the same about commitment. If it is, then you should move on.
Kevin does using the same tactics as her help? The guide doesnt mention it. Would it be wise to show her you dont care ,let her see your with another girl. So it stirs up a reaction? Or would that push her away even more? Can you elaborate? Some sites say to do it but im unsure.
It can work. But even if it does, then what? You get her jealous, and she then she tries to get you jealous. Before you know it, you are both playing the jealousy game wasting time and mental energy on something so immature.
And even if you manage to get her back using jealousy or playing games, what then? You think you both will be able to live happily ever after? A couple of months after being back together, she will again have the same issues as before. She is still young and still doesn't want to feel trapped. And she will leave again.
Kevin something a lot of other sires say is to either 1. Drop all contact and fall off the face of the earth with no contact or 2. Inform your ex that you no longer wish to talk until youre ready so you can deal with the break up. Which is the best option for getting an ex back? 1. Seems childish and seems it would make your ex angry and push them away. Dont they deserve an adult answer? Or would it be best to do 1? 2 makes sense but wouldnt 2 make them move on quicker? Basically should you tell your ex your doing nc? Or is it best not to tell them? Like after getting back together my ex and I hroke up. She said the same thing. "I love you as a friend and was afraid of losing you." We fought I said goodbye then she texts me tonight (the same night of the break up) "are you ok?" Two times an hour aparr. How should someone handle this situation? Nc or nc while telling her you want nc? Thanks
Both work in different scenarios. Sometimes, it depends on individual preference and sometimes it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your ex. If your ex is contacting you constantly, and they contact you even after you start no contact, it's a good idea to tell them politely. If you are the one who is always initiating contact with your ex, then you can just start no contact without telling them. If they contact you, then it's your choice if you want to let them know that you need time and space.
But this part doesn't really matter that much. What matters most is how you use no contact. The primary objective of no contact is for you to become a better, more confident and happier person. The dynamics with your ex is secondary.
Lately all that's been on my mind is him. I've been having dreams with him and they're all about us getting back. I feel overwhelmed of all these feelings. One moment I'm fine and just like don't ever take him back cause you don't want to look stupid for taking him back but then moments later all I want is for us to get back and I just miss him so much.
Part me is sure he'll come back to me and well everyone else is saying it so then they must see it too but then it's like why is it not happening. I know he needs times as so do I but then the other part is just like move on! It's weird because I'm ok with knowing he'll probably never be with me again but then I have my moments where I just refuse to let him go.
My love for him is deep and knowing he's ok makes me happy. I can't bring myself to hate him or not care about him. Even after everything he did to me I want nothing but the best for him. I just wish he would see what he lost when he let me go. If his friends and family see he messed up then why can't he?
I'm not saying I'm the best thing for him but my love was sincere, everything I ever offered, everything about me to him was sincere. He knows I love him, he knows I'd always be there for him even if everyone turned their backs on him. He told me himself that he knew I'd always be the only person there for him. That he never wanted to lose me. That I'm everything to him.
How do you tell someone that a couple weeks before leaving them for someone else? For someone who's no good for you. His mom today told me that his ex gf went over yesterday morning and that they were arguing, well she was and he was asking her what was she doing there? That what did she want? That she needed to leave and not be going to his house to make scenes. Then he told his mom he was sorry and that he was going to change and make things right. He was going to start trying to become a better person.
That made me glad cause then he knows she's not really a great person for him. Also 2 more girls came forward about her messing with their kids fathers. Apparently she only goes after guys with kids. Anyways Kevin. I know I'm all over the place. I know I probably bother with all this.
I'm at the point of just wanting to text him saying I miss you. I'm so close to doing that. I don't want to play games where I act like I don't want you or care just so that he can but I'm scared of being rejected that I just keep it all to myself. Help me please. I need to clear my head.
Hey e.p.,
Despite all the love you have for him, he still cheated on you...multiple times. And if you get back together, there's a good chance he will do it again. The only way you and him can be in a healthy trusting relationship where he is loyal to you is to make him work for you and make him realise that you won't put up with anything less than what you deserve. I know you wish things were simple and you could just tell him how you feel and he would reciprocate and you two would get back together. And to be honest, if you contact him, there's a chance it might work that way. But even if it does, I am quite sure he will go back to his old ways and you two will breakup again. So remember, this isn't about getting him back, it's about getting a relationship you deserve. A relationship that will make you happy and help you grow in life. A trusting relationship. There's only one way to have that relationship with your ex. If it doesn't work that way, you should move on so you can have that relationship with someone else.
Hi Kevin, I've asked to subscribe yet when i click confirm on my emails it says I already have (which i did a few weeks ago then unsubscribed). How come I cant re-subscribe on the same email address?
Hey Charlie,
To resubscribe you will again have to click on the unsubscribe link in one of the emails and select the subscribe option. The emails will start from where you left them.
Maybe it was just a rebound but since he was doing things with her like if it was a serious relationship I took it as if it wasn't. That same day they broke up later on that night he was out with his sister. She posted a snapchat with him and he was all smiling. Thank you Kevin, I'll just have to see what happens :)
Also I forgot to add that I happened to text him the same day they broke up cause I wanted to talk about something important about our daughter and I had asked if we can meet up somewhere so I can explain everything he then replied saying tell me now I said nevermind just forget it and he replied again saying tell me but then I said it's a lot to text and explain. I'll explain when you come pick up our daughter. He didn't reply after that.
Now I feel like he probably thinks I was trying to get back or something but I really was just trying to explain something to him and I still didn't know they were broken up so he probably thought I knew and saw a chance but it wasn't even like that.
You are overthinking a small conversation. Stop trying to figure out what's going on in his mind. It doesn't matter.
Hello Kevin,
Please help me,I really would like to get my ex back.I am 28 ,she is 27.We were living together for 2 years.We broke a week ago.The hings were not going great lately,so we decided to take a break(20 days) and decide what we are going to do afterwards.And so we did.During the break we exchanged messages twice and we spoke on the phone once.After the period ended my girlfriend called me and told me that we need to talk.I went to her place to hear that she doesn't want to be with me anymore,that she is feeling great back at her home,she is not tired anymore,she can spend a lot of time with her friends and so on.My reaction was calm.I told her that if she has decided that she will feel better alone,i will respect her decision.She asked me 3 times what do i think is the right decision and admitted that she is afraid that she might not take the right decision.I told her that i want her back, but if she has decided to break up with me ,so be it.So i went back home .After 2 days i decided that it will be a good idea to call her and talk .I invited her to a cup of coffee.I tried to convince her to get back with me,but had no success.We agreed that she will pick her stuff in the next 2 days and get back to her parent's house.During that break i tried to convince her one more time to reconsider and get back with me.Again , i had no success.So a week ago she came to pack her stuff.We didn't speak much.Right before leaving she told me it was a great experience to live with me for 2 years .I told her that it was a great experience for me as well.She melted down and started to hug me and kiss me.Before she left ,she gave me a passionate kiss.Next day it was a holiday ,so i decided to surprise her .I went to the store and bought few roses.Called her to set up the meeting and went to her house shortly after.The result was the same.She melted down ,she was very surprised and started hugging me and kissing me.Right after i left she messaged me:I'm really happy,You still bring the joy in me.Another 2 days passed and i called her to set up a new meeting,but this time i offered a drink. She told me she has plans and maybe she won't be able to meet me.The problem is that i don't know what i'm supposed to do.Do i have a chance ?That kiss means a lot to me,but does it really mean anything to her?Should i start the nc phase?Please help me.Really appreciate your help.
Thank you,
Stoyan
You do have a chance. Yes, start no contact. And follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
Thank you or the quick response.We broke because she lost her attraction for me.Could you please be more specific and tell me :How long should the nc phase continue ?Do you think i have a slight chance of getting her back or is it more than that?
Hey,
Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. You should not end no contact until you have done everything in the checklist. You have a decent chance of getting her back. But you should also be prepared for the worst. There's also a chance you may never get her back. Which is why you should do no contact and not end it until you are prepared mentally for either outcome.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your help.Just a quick update.She called me yesterday to tell me that she won't be available this Friday,but she wants to arrange a meeting next week.I'm confused with her behavior.Is this some kind of a backup plan?
Is it ever a good idea to skip the nc phase?
Thank you,
Stoyan
Rarely. I always recommend no contact, if nothing else, to give you a better perspective about your relationship with your ex and your life without your ex.
She has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back together. So, I'll recommend you start no contact and tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup. Her behavior is pretty common. She doesn't want to lose you completely and doesn't want to be with you as well. Hence, the confusing behavior.
Well he would say he loves her so I'm sure it hurts him and he was saying and acting like she was the one. I just think he wasn't hurt with me cause he was so quick to replace me and just move her in with him after I had just left for a month. Plus he didn't try to make things better when I left. He didn't fight for me & the relationship. I don't know maybe he was hiding them but I can't focus on this. I have a goal and it involves my full mind on that. I'm just going to let time pass and let him heal and well the whole situation.
Hey e.p.,
All those were signs of a rebound relationship and in my experience, they don't hurt so much when they end. But it's a good idea to not focus on this. Good luck. :)
Hello Kevin, it has been a while,
After 2 months of strict NC (6 month post BU, 4 year old relationship) my ex sent me a very emotional email, explaining to me that he needed to delete me from his facebook because he needs to move on and can't do that when he sees my face every were (I haven't posted any picture in 3 months) and feels that I can see what he posts.
He also said that he feels ashamed and doesn't feel like he deserve to have a life. I know he was posting some things and hiding them from me.
He sent me this from a new email account and at the end he said that I shouldn't feel forced to reply but that if I did I should do on that email address. (which makes me believe that he is trying to hide that from a potential new gf)
He also said that it wasn't a goodbye forever and did other odd things like linking a cute picture that 'he though I would like' and music advice. (In a closure email? Seriously?)
What do you think of this? Of his attitude? Should I reply? (I never send a magic letter to agree with the BU etc.)
TBH, I don't know if I would want him back. I am moved on almost completely, but just out of curiosity if I wanted him back in the long run what should I do/say?
Thank you a lot
Don't reply to the email. Wait a week or two and establish contact again. Skip the magic letter and just send a text or short email. But only do it if you are absolutely sure you want him back. Since you have completely moved on, trying to get him back might take you a step back.
I though I should reply and give him clsure and let him know that I'm ok with the break up and "release him" from his guilt so that we can establish a 'fake' friendship
Why do you think I shouldn't? And how do you read his attitude? I'm very confused
Thanks again!
Hey Helen,
That might also work. But the reason I told you not to reply is because you said you have almost moved on and you are not sure if you want him back. And in my opinion, you should only contact him if you are absolutely sure you want him back.
He has been missing you and trying to work through his grief. A reply from you will probably make him feel better. If you want to get back together, now is probably the right time to make a move. But like I said before, only do it if you are sure you have bright future with him. If you aren't sure, contacting him will make moving on harder for both of you.
Thank you very much for your help Kevin, I just have a few last things to ask you,
I'm not sure I want him back because I'm not sure what kind of person he is now and the BU changed me as well. But I would need to see him and talk to him to know.
He lives in another town (1h away by plane), I was thinking about replying to him my closure email so that he doesn't feel so much guilty about me and not frighten to see me again.
What would be a good move? Send my email then see if he respond? I finish my email by saying that when the timing is right we can try to get in touch and that I would like to hear from him sometimes,
I don't know if thats good, what do you think?
Some people told me he sent me that to catch my attention, probably feeling that I was moving on do you think that could be the case?
Again thank you!
Yes, that could be the case. He could also be sincere about what he said in the mail. If the reason for your doubt is what you said, then you should contact him. Send him the email and see how it goes from there. Good luck. :)
Hey Kevin
So today I was told that they broke up. I believe she broke up with him for her ex boyfriend who's still in jail and has a girlfriend which is also the mother of his daughter(who's the random girl I told you about). She messaged me asking how I was and if his new girlfriend(ex now) has messaged me or something, I said no and she said she had messaged her telling her she wasn't with my ex anymore and that she was gonna get back with the girl's boyfriend(the random girl)
What is now hurting me is thinking that he's most likely heartbroken by her but he wasn't heartbroken when we ended. Was I not important? Was the love really no longer there? I'm not expecting him to come back to me but just knowing he's probably hurt by her hurts me. It's not that I wanted him in pain for me but knowing he felt some pain was a reassurance that he still felt something for me. Even though he's not going to show he's heartbroken since he's good at hiding feelings he still must be hurt right?
How can you be so sure? Even if he is hurting, it's probably because he feels rejected. Not because he lost someone special. And why do you think he wasn't heartbroken when you guys ended? If he is good at hiding his feelings, he was probably hiding his feelings.
Why i am not able to post a single comment?
Hi Kevin, Anjali again. I wanted to check in. I took your advice to let him keep initiating more and he was for a while via text. This past weekend I suggested a phone conversation ( because has suggested the last one about 2 weeks ago). He said sure for sunday and I told him maybe we could talk, depending on if I could get work done. I texted him late at night and asked if he was free. No response. Next day he apologized and said he'd been napping and didn't wake up. I said it was ok and that I was free later at night during week, except for some days. Since then, he hasn't responded. It's just been really bipolar behavior I guess. The day before I suggested the phone conversation ( which I did ver casually, not as an obligation) he'd texted me " I love you". In fact, he texted me that most of last week and now he's dropped off the face of the planet. I'm guessing he is busy with work/career stuff again? I'm not sure.
Overall, I'm not particularly distraught or upset. It has bothered me a bit, but I've been able to go on with my life just fine. I'm wondering if I should just let this keep playing out and see where it goes or change something? What do you think?
Thanks
Anjali
Let him initiate contact next and see how it goes. You don't need to change anything. Like I said before, don't keep waiting for him forever. Give yourself a time limit. And if he doesn't make a move till then, give him an ultimatum and move on.
Best article ive read on the internet really needed this !!!
Does this NC rule work even if the other party has moved out of state? I read on blogs and forums on Google this usually means they want to move on and it's over. However, there are some people I still talk to after moving and our relationship isn't that great.
Hey Esther,
It can still work. I have had cases where long distance relationships were reconciled. You just need to follow the plan until the texting part. And if he is interested, you will both start texting often and start talking on phone. You can eventually ask him to come on skype or suggest that you go over there for a short trip. But before all that, you need to do no contact and follow the first 3 steps.
Thanks so much for all your help. The problem is, I am dealing with a rather wishy-washy guy. Like you said, so far I started NC in hopes he would miss me and clean up. The break up was rather bad and even when I hinted he would miss me in the future and come back his response was: "There is nothing for me to come back to. I've moved on." Indeed, he started dating women only 1-2 months after we broke up. He is having rebounds.
This is the problem: I can't figure out if he really means what he has said, or it is just out of anger. I had sent him quite a few email messages the past two weeks so of course he would be a bit irritated.
I have been in similar situations and usually after 2-3 months the other party has a change of heart and misses you. When I tried to reach out to them again after that sliver of time, they instantly regretted arguing/whatever went on between us thst caused the split. Time apart had patched up the holes in the relationships. Some I did have to let go, but at least was able to move on thanks to NC. This time I am not so sure because he now lives out of state (when he moved he said he did it for the money since we were in Southern California with a high COL, but then I heard this is usually a way of saying he doesn't want to try any longer so I'm not sure). Either way, he continued talking to me after the move.
We had a very toxic relationship and I am thinking even if we can't get back together, try to clear our heads. Forget about the past. NC is great for helping clean people like that up, or at least moving on. What is your advice? I'm thinking at least 65 days of NC.
I agree, you should do no contact for 65 days especially if it was a toxic relationship. If you still want him back, you can contact him after that and see where he stands.
The problem is, now I've fallen into a vicious cycle where I continuously have the urge to contact him. I don't remember it being this hard with my other relationships. I told myself I would stop writing emails or texts to him, and then I always have more to say. So I would let it all out even after telling him I started NC.
Needless to say, we've reached that point where he no longer believes I can do NC. This is problematic as he's taken for granted I can't move on from him. Even when I say, "This is the last message you'll receive because I want to clean up" or something to that effect, he's always like: "Yeah, but this is what you said weeks ago and it hasn't stopped." I've finally concluded the only thing to do is just write down all these extra thoughts in a notebook. I did succeed in keeping quiet for two days, but still had to send one more message to him. The first few days are always the hardest.
Hey Esther,
It helps when you have things to do and look forward to do. Try giving yourself some goals. Start a new hobby and keep yourself busy for a couple of weeks. It'll get easier after that.
It's also important to note that most exes will indeed try to worm their way back into your life. You may not be able to have a relationship with them again but I recall many instances where I wrote one up after many months or years just to apologize for dumping them, explain myself and wish them well. Or the opposite happens, they write to me.
Esther, i'm also in a NC at the moment. I've written many emails that i kept in my drafts but didn't send, and i continued in a notebook, which converted into a diary.
This will be usefull when NC is over, either if we get back together or not. It's nice to have your thoughts in one place so that you can read them again later. If we get the 100% of trust & respect (which we never had), maybe i will even give to her to read.
Yeah I'm not going to put myself in that situation where I'm sure he'll come back and then he doesn't cuz I don't want to be waiting. I've come to terms with the idea of him not ever coming back to me and I'm ok if he doesn't. I'm just moving on with my life, trying to just become a better person.
If he was to come back I'd have to think about it real good. I wouldn't take him back right away either cause he'd have to prove he's committed and if he can't then I'm not going to get involved with him. Thank you Kevin.
Hello Kevin,
It's been a couple of days since I last posted. Well just wanted to update you. All day today I've been thinking of reasons why I'd want my ex back & well only ones I can't think of is he's my daughter's dad and well still have love for him BUT I don't feel the desperate need of wanting him back. Even though I had a dream with him last night that we got back.
I actually went out the other night and met some guy. We talked and I had fun with him, we didn't exchange numbers but while I was talking to him I realized I can have happiness wherever I go. My ex isn't my happiness. Talking to this guy was an ego boost as well since he kept complimenting me all night. He was attractive as well.
I guess my ex disappointed me so much with this new relationship that I just don't feel bad anymore I just feel sorry. His aunt called me the other day saying how the girl is bad influence on him, he doesn't seem to want to do anything but to be with her. That they don't even know what he saw in her, no one there likes her. She also said she's sure we're going to get back but right now he seems to be in this phase. I told her even if he comes back I can't guarantee I'd give him a chance even if I'm still in love with him.
He'd have to change drastically and actually want to be committed to me. I also told her I've grown to see things differently that I won't put up with any b.s. from him or anyone. I'm sure he can see the change in me and that I wouldn't be scared to walk away. The other day he surprised me since he kept texting me asking about our daughter and was like I miss her. Since I moved out he's never texted me saying he misses her. I just replied saying "she misses you too". I'm sure he sees that I'm happy with myself and like I'm just genuinely happy with everything since a lot of people have told me that I look happy now.
Also the girl I had told you about sent me another screenshot of what his girlfriend said to her and she said that once he comes out of jail he's going to be with her. She told me to send it to my ex but I told her no that I would let him learn when she f**ked him over. He'll learn the hard way. Cause if I said something I'd look like I'd desperately want to separate them. Apparently everyone is sure we'll get back cause everyone's sure he's going to come back to me.
Hey e.p.,
Everyone is probably right about him wanting to come back to you. But be prepared for the other possibility. There's a very slight chance he might not want to come back (even after his relationship fails). And if that happens, you don't want to be the one succumbing to rejection and acting needy. I am not saying it'll happen. I am just saying you should be prepared for anything. Even if he doesn't want to come back, keep your head high and move on with your life. And if he does, then make sure you don't accept him without giving it a serious thought. Good luck!
kevin
plzzzz help me I am hell upset I cannot sleep whole night.i am very disappointed.my bf suddenly leave without telling any reason he is not takibg my calls and not relying my text even he blocked me whats app I am hell upset I want him back.i did begging and lot of plead but he is not replying what I should do now.help me...
You should follow the plan Jenny.
Apologies for the long comment/post!
I've been going through the no-contact phase for 3 weeks now (tried it previously but did actually make contact a few times, and even had a few really good 'general chats' for between 45-60 minutes each with ex on the phone - she even provisionally agreed to meet up for coffee/drink but in my view has been blowing hot and cold ever since given the subsequent messages I have received!) but wanted to try and do this properly.
The issue is that having had absolutely NO contact whatsoever at all for a while I'm beginning to think that my ex is forgetting about me completely and moving on, thinking I have probably given up trying to contact her! It's all very confusing as I want her to still have some thoughts about me, even if they are not in a 'romantic' way right now as I realise she needs time (but therein lies another problem...how much time does someone need until they realise they might have done the 'wrong' thing by splitting up).
All this time I've been working on 'improving myself', de-cluttering at home (which is actually very therapeutic), going out for exercise, getting involved with charity work in an advisory role etc., but unfortunately I have been unlucky on the work front as a I am semi-freelance worker (something I did while we were together which she accepted/understood). Given the need to project elements of 'security' and 'stability' to a partner should I wait until I have my work position more stable before looking to get back in serious contact with her or drop her the occasional message to let her know I'm still interested in her life?
Should I write her a handwritten (NOT typed!) letter to let her know exactly how I feel, given that I may not get the opportunity to say the things I want to in person?
Hey Andy,
She will either realise that she made a mistake, or she will realise that breaking up was a good option and will start thinking about moving on. Either way, you will have the opportunity to re-attract her after no contact is over. If you have made changes, she will notice it and will realise the new relationship will not be the same as the old one and hopefully will want to get back together (even if she thinking about moving on during no contact). If she doesn't then you gave it your best shot and you should try to move on as well.
Do not write a letter telling her how you feel. Only follow the template mentioned in the article. Keep it short so as to leave things to her imagination. You don't have to wait until you have your work position stable. As long as you are working towards a stable work position and are passionate about it, you are as good and attractive as someone who has security and stability.
Hi Kevin!
I broke up with my ex about almost 2 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision, as he said he lost feelings and didn't want to love anymore and wanted to be single.
So I agreed and then we broke up, we've made no contact since. But I started missing him alot and so I came to your site. I was glad I was doing the no contact thing right from the start. However, my friend got into a conversation with him just yesterday and he told her he's gladly moving on from me and has no feelings for me anymore. What do I do? Please do reply fast as it's been giving me sleepless nights now a days.
Thanks in advance!
-Aakriti
Just because your friend says so doesn't mean it's true. A lot of people are very good at hiding their true state from the world (and sometimes even themselves). Give him time. And don't obsess over his progress during no contact. Concentrate on your progress.
Hey dont worry if he is going to move on then you should its obvious he isn't right for you and yes I know you feelings will say different but you deserve better if he thinks that
you never know;he could have visited this website just like you are! I think he might be saying that he's moving on, but he's really thinking about you
hey Kevin, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I responded back to your post but I did it directly under our conversation.... I was not sure if your able to see that or not. In that response I did have a few more questions if you don't mind. Thanks again for your time.
did my post not get approved because it isn't a heterosexual relationship? We need advice to...
Hey Andrew,
The posts here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post in the message boards and it'll be approved within 24 hours. It has nothing to do with your relationship being heterosexual or homosexual.
If the post don't get approved are we notified via mail or do we just have to wait and se if it pops up?
Hey Richard,
You don't get an email. This is why I started the message boards. Your post will get approved within 24 hours and after that you are free to post whenever you want. Moreover, you get an email every time someone replies and you have the ability to subscribe to topics.
Yes it does. If he did it to me he'd do it to her. The girl messaged me again saying that my ex's new girlfriend wrote a letter to her boyfriend in jail and he received it yesterday.
Unfortunately I was trying to keep this away from my family. I didn't want them to find out cause we all the new gf but my aunt found out and told me something. She also said how my ex's new girlfriend has a boyfriend in jail that she supposedly loves. This confirmed that, that boyfriend in jail is the random girl's baby daddy. Funny how this whole drama only revolves around 5 people, we're all connected.
Yeah I'm trying to hold on to not wanting him back cause I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and I just want to feel that anymore.
His life has been constant drama for a long time. When you were with him, your life was as well. The breakup is your opportunity to get out of the drama and live a healthy life where you can grow and concentrate on achieving your goals.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i feel like on one end my gut says that talking like this could be the beginning of a new relationship. on the other end it says this is his way of just staying commitment free while having me in his life too, which isn't fair to me. i'm not sure which feeling is stronger.
Both of them are right. How about this? Give yourself a time limit. A month, two weeks. Whatever suits you. If things don't progress in that much time, then tell him what's on your mind.
Hi Kevin,
So last night he texted me he loves me, and misses me so much, and he's been looking at my pictures all the time. i'm really confused now. i'm not sure if i should just keep playing it cool or be like" nothing is stopped you from being with me. you could still find jobs around here if you wanted like you said."
I'm not sure if that is being pushy or would be appropriate given what he's generally been saying and since he's been texting me a lot. i just don't know how to handle this situation. am i supposed to put my foot down and tell him to get his ***t together or keep just being responsive for this to go anywhere constructive.
Hey Anjali,
I know it's hard, but I'll recommend you wait a little longer. Let him make the moves for a while. If he doesn't or you just can't take it anymore, then you can go ahead with putting your foot down and/or telling him to get job where you are. However, and this is the important part, if he rejects you, then you should tell him to cut contact and that you can't let him continue stringing you along and stopping you from moving on.
So they live together now & have been for probably 2 weeks. Anyways some random girl messaged me on Facebook saying that she knew his new girlfriend too and where they're from she's known for being an easy girl. She also told me that she ruined her relationship with her kids dad.
She was telling me that she's a homewrecker and she always does this. She also told me that my ex's new girlfriend messages her still talking crap to her about her now again boyfriend(baby dad). She was telling me that his new girlfriend was only living with my ex cause she needed somewhere to live and that she was sure that as soon as her baby dad got out of jail she was gonna leave my ex to go mess with her man again.
She said she's been putting up with this girl for 4 years or so. That she doesn't leave her boyfriend alone. This girl also said she messaged my ex telling him everything about her cause apparently my ex was liking all this girls pictures on instagram and so she called him out and sent it to his new girlfriend saying "Your man is being thirsty" etc. so in other words he might be doing her dirty too.
After I was messaging with this girl for a while I came down to not caring about their relationship anymore. It's fake and I'm more of a woman than her. He said she was when I first found out and that hurt but now I know I'm worth more. They don't phase me anymore. Still don't want her around my daughter.
She was telling me a lot of things and just said worry about yourself and daughter believe me he's going to see he messed up. I realized I'm so much better than this to be losing my focus on them. This girl helped to see that this girl is nowhere near my level. She'll never have what we had. They both will see that soon. Now I don't really want him back. But we'll see in the future but as of now I'm over him and her. I want someone who will appreciate me and love me.
This just confirmed everything we talked about their relationship. Hold on to that thought about not wanting him back.
Well, it's been over a month since we broke up, and now I feel it's the time to break the no-contact period. But, looks like she got a new boyfriend (guess it's that rebound relationship). Should I wait until they break up, or should I contact her now? Thanks
If you satisfy all the points mentioned in the checklist (Step 4), then you should contact her, regardless of her having a new boyfriend.
Kevin,
So I have done everything wrong in the book after my ex gf cheated with an old friend she kept secret from everyone and and broke up with me. we did spend time after the whole cheating thing and we slept together and she told me she loved me and came to cuddle with me. Later that week She said that she did not know if she wanted to be with me. Then as I pressured her she said she did not want to be with me right now and had this whole plan of talking, then being friends, then working on things. Then I told her I could not do that and we had to part ways because I could not be friends with her. Then I broke down and did everything wrong in the book
like not giving her space to begging, over the next few days. through all this it's like she became colder and was also communitcating with the guy and she lied to me and said she would not go out on valintines day but I put 2 and 2 together and realized she went and spent the weekend with the guy. Through out this she also was almost flaunting how happy she was living single life and telling me this guy just keeps in contact with her. I felt like she strung me along to see if things would work out with the other guy. But the whole weekend she asked me to not contact her but once again bugged her. After her weekend with him she then texted me that she made her decision if she wanted to work on things and said she no longer wants to see me or for me to contact Her. I have not contacted her since. she also blocked me on fb the next day after my old ex commented on a picture she was tagged in And then the next day she deleted her fb when another girl liked my photo... It could be coincidence but the timing was to good. Then 6 days after her telling me to contact Her she hacked a co workers fb that she knows I am friends with and posted that this female co-workers favorite person is my ex and that that female would be incomplete without her. I ignored the comment as I felt it was directed to get a ride out of me. Could be coincidence again but to good to not be. It's been about 10 days since no contact And I can pony imagine she is still talking to this guy and hanging out with him. I just find it hard to believe she is over me that fast. What should I do? What do you think my chances are?
You should do no contact for at least three months. She cheated on you and she is incredibly manipulative and dramatic. Unless you want a lot of drama and get cheated on again, you should stay away from her. But it has to be your choice, not mine. Do no contact for 3 months, and I mean complete no contact. Remove her from social media, don't talk about her with mutual friends, nothing. And if after that you still want her back, then contact her. Trust me, you will still have a pretty good chance. But still, don't consider taking her back unless she shows remorse and is willing to work on building the trust back again (because it is going to be really hard to do that).
Kevin,
Thanks for the advice. I do have a few more questions Though. She did noT show remorse from the beginning when she was caught. Now she says she did not sleep with this guy just talked with him... But I have my doubts. If she did not show remorse from the beginning is that necessarily a bad thing? She did get angry every time I called her out on hanging out with him after. She also turned her family on me to think it was all my fault. I just don't know what to think. What am I suppose to do if she contacts me before or even after those 3 months? I mean this girl crushed my heart And even gave herself to another man and then told me that she was sorry I was hurting. she wasn't sorry for doing the act she was just sorry I was hurting... And she is like on a high right now at the fact that she crushed me and had the power to tell me not to contact Her.
Yes, it's a bad thing that she didn't show any remorse. And it's even worse that you gave her enough power to crush you more. But that doesn't matter. Once you start no contact, you will realise this breakup was a blessing in disguise. You will realise that you dodged a bullet there. And if she tries contacting you, don't answer her. If she continues, tell her you need time and space and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
Do you think someone like that can ever change and develop a conscious ? The thing is I always new something was off about her. She was always distant. She was sexually abused as a child and I think it had a lot to do with who she is today. I tried to tell her she needs help but she said she got help as a kid and she does not need to see anyone. But she is in denial. She needs mental help. I felt so compelled to save her and to protect her. That's why I was so crushed that she did this to me after all I did for her. She threw every excuse at me on why she does not want to be with me. Anywhere from well it's the way you talk to me... And she said I need to work on my self and she needs to work on herself. She even tried telling me she was not sexually satisfied which sounds like bs because she was the one who got more pleasure than I did. It's just hard to understand everything that happened and how fast it happened and spirlrd down hill. It's like she wanted me to be jealous of this other guy and compete with him. And in the long run I looked desprite and the other guy didn't so he got the best of her. Now I just want the satisfaction of getting her back so then I could get even and get my self esteem back then leave her and move on with my life. I guess you can say I want to get even.... Is that the wrong thing to do?
Yes, that's a very wrong thing to do. Not only morally but because it's going to take a lot out of you if you start playing into her games. A better idea will be to move on. You know how they say the best revenge is living well? That's the best way to go in your situation. And yes, someone like her can change, but it usually takes years of therapy and it's very rare. And I won't recommend you sit around waiting for that to happen.
I mean what if it was the way I talked to her... Sometimes we got into heated arguements. And I would ignore her for sometime till things killed over... I said some mean things to her too. But, I don't kmow... If you love someone you work on issues together wouldn't you say? It still makes no sense on why she would lie to me then make plans to cheat on me behind my back. She did cry and say she knows she hurt me a few days after cheating.
. But then she also kept trying to justicy what she did was right. But when I told her no it was wrong and that she knew it was wrong she said yea she knew it was wrong when she was doing it but did not seem remorse full. I mean was this her nature to cheat or do you think she just broke mentally... She said to me that she always felt something was missing from the relationship... But why stay with me for almost 3 years.... She asked me if counseling would help us an. I shut the idea down because I was upset at her and I felt I put more into the relationship than she did. She never tried spicing our love life up. but know that she has interest in another guy shes working out more and eating way better and got her old job back and is shopping buying new clothes and even got back on birth control to have better sex... All for this guy... And I even told her that the not being on birth control was really a barrier in me getting pleasure... So it's like I don't know what to think... Did I mess up so much she turned cold.... Was it my fault.... If it was should I try winning her back .... I am so lost.... Like I can move on and all ... But I have a strong love for her. Stronger than I ever felt before. I mean she is young age 22 and I am 28 ... Could I be mad at her for wanting to explore at a young age... I did meat her when she was 19 and had already 8 partners... So it's like she has had a fair share.... I just do not know what to think. Now I think she is seeing that guy she kept secret from everyone who is 34. But I don't know for sure.... Should I even bother with this girl anymore.... could it have been all my fault ? She has always been in a constant state of " she does not know." Like was always worried about something or uneased ... Like she would always pick at her finger tip skin and I would tell her that's not normal.
It wasn't your fault. Your relationship would have ended the same way no matter what you did. The only thing you could have done is broke up with her sooner when you saw the signs of her being manipulative or a cheater (and there were probably signs).
And if she comes back around and we get back together... How many times will she seek outside the relationship.. is this always going to be a concern for me that she will seek outside the relationship ? epecially as easy as she did ...Its all puzzle to me. Is like this guy sweet talked her and all she could see was wanting to be intamite with this guy. And even told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want to contact her anymore. It's like she is blindsided and does not care...
If she comes back, you should not get back together unless you are absolutely sure she will not do it again. And for you to be absolutely sure, she needs to show that she is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and make the relationship work. Unless she does, you should not accept her back.
Hey Kevin,
So I tried to obey what you avdvised me to do which was complete no contact. I got three weeks into it and had a relapse and texted her twice about 3 days apart. She did not block my number but and she got my text but she never answered. One text was about a key to my front gate that I needed and another was about being friends with benefits.... I know very stupid of me. Anyways I went into no contact once again and it's been about 45 days since I lasted reached out and it's been about 2.5 months since she told me not to contact her anymore. I am pretty sure that she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with and about a month ago. I could be wrong but my guesses have been right thus far. I have not heard from here since she last texted me not to contact her. I have mixed feelings still and I get the urge to conract her and think about her miss her so on and so forth. I have went out with a few girls already but just no sparks yet. I feel if I contact her she will think I am weak and she will gain power again. Should I just keep hanging in there on no contact? Or reach out to her? What did you mean when you said the relationship would have ended the same way no matter what? Is she a sociopath you think ? I keep getting dragged into these thoughts that its my fault. I think it has a lot to do with her mother texting me that it was my fault her daughter cheated when all of this drama went down. But I don't know I think I was responsible and doing everything a man should have been doing which was taking care of the house hold. I mean I was working 85 hours a week, managing all he bills, etc while she just had to go to school which she didn't. She also had to cook and clean which she did about 80 % of the time. While I was working she was busy making devastating plans behind my back and starting rows with me. Anyways, I do appreciate your advice. Should I really just give up hope on wanting to be with her? Everyone tells me I am crazy to want to be with her still after all she has done.
Hey Matt,
I wouldn't go so far as calling her a sociopath. But she has issues and I don't think it'll be possible for you to have a long healthy relationship with her. Her mother calling you and blaming you for the cheating is just the icing on the cake. You can see where her remorselessness comes from. I will recommend you start no contact again. Do it at least for 3 months. Date other girls during this time. If possible get therapy. Her cheating on you was not your fault. I am pretty sure she will cheat on the next guy as well. You can't control her behaviour. You can however, build yourself back up again, and find someone who will make you happy. So, start no contact again and do not break it this time. No matter what.
Yea I agree; I do not think I could have a healthy relationship with her. i think she is screwed up in the head. There is a lot of things I left out to describe what she has done. But the sickest part is that the guy she cheated on me with and is still with... He is 10 years older than her and has been "hanging out" with her since she was 15 years old. She knows the relationship with this guy was in appropriate she she kept him secret and she admitted that she did not want anyone to pass judgement on her and that now she is older no one can tell her what to do. She also said she is sick of everyone telling her what to do and that she wanted to "lose" herself. She also mentioned that this guy has only been dating around and has not found "the one" which it seems to me like she was trying extra hard to be "the one" for him. I believe that her relationship with this guy is way inappropriate but there's nothing I can do about it as she has silenced me by stretigically getting everyone on her side. So this is one of the main reasons I do not think her relationship with this guy will not end anytime soon. When she had did all this she made sure to put me down in every way and to do things that showed she had ZERO respect for me. I mean do people like her ever regret what they do?
In some instances, they do. If somehow they realise there is something wrong with them and decide to get professional help. But that shouldn't be any of your business. Because even if she were to regret her actions, it won't be anytime soon. You should be concentrating on moving on and removing her completely from your life.
Kevin,
Say theoretically I wanted to tech out to her and get back with her... What would be the best way to approach her? The bottom line is that she cheated, was really disrepectful after, minipulative, lied a whole lot, turned her family against me, said the most hateful thinks to me like I am going to be a bad husband and a bad father and that she is not satisfied with me and even went to great lengths of trying to make me feel jealous by saying how all these guys are hitting on her and that the guy she cheated on me with is just friends and stays in touch. she even poked fun and seemed to enjoy toying with me about telling me how good I looked but then in the same sentence she did that she did not know if she wanted to rip my clothes off and have sex with me and when I tried to have sex with her she said its not going to happen because she does not want to cloud her judgement.... Makes no sense to me especially after she told me she is not satisfied with me and that she wants to loose herself in sex but then says she does not want Rush into a relationship right now... But then moves in with this other guy a month after all this.... Makes no sense. But say I wanted to get her back.... What would be the best way to approach her / reach out to her and try to win her back?
I also forgot to mention that she has not tried reaching out to me at all since she told me not to contact her and that she no longer wants to see me. But I recently found out that she either got fired or quit her job she just got back a month after she told me to not contact her anymore and around the same time I suspected she moved in with this guy... In addition, her. Brother told me that his sister has cheated before and has trouble understanding why it's wrong... He also told her that she could not sleep around with married guys at my new job sight when I was with her which I questioned but she said she did not know why he would say something like that but at the same time she was smerking. One of the last times I spoke to this girl she was laughing and asking me if I was mad and asking me if I was going to kill her.... This statement blew my mind because I have never threatened or payed a hand on her in that way. Does that sound like a girl is normal?
Hey Matt,
No, the girl doesn't sound normal. I recently read somewhere that in a relationship there is never only one crazy person. There are always two. It makes sense to me from personal experience and from helping so many people with breakups and relationships. So, if you want to be with her, then guess what, you are not normal either. Instead of trying to figure out how to get back with her, I'll recommend you try to figure out why you want to be with her. Work on learning more about yourself and what lead you into a relationship with a person like her and what is compelling you to still want to be with her and keeping you obsessed with her.
Also, it has been about 2 1/2 months since I last contacted her. If I wait too long, won't this limit the chances I have to getting her back? Especially if she moved in with the new guy one month afrer last speaking with me...
Well I got in conract with her. She told me she got married two months ago to the guy she ran off with. She told me how happy she was and they they are going to try for kids soon. She told me that she fell in love with this guy 6 years ago when she first layed eyes on him. She told me that marrying him was the best decision of her life and she is so happy. She still had zero simpathy for cheating on me with him. She said she knew that's who she wanted to be with and that she is sorry I was caught in the middle. She said she did not use me that she was only laying to herself about marrying me. She told me that she went to Italy for her hubby moon and it was great. She then told me that she is needs to not talk to me anymore as it's rude she's talking to me on the phone and her husband does not know. I called her out and said she was talking with thingy and spent a weekend with him behind my back. She said it's different she is married not and there are boundaries. Then we got off the phone. She then texred me 20 minutes later and said to please keep the conversation private as she does not want her marriage tovbe ruined if he were to find out. She set a marriage with cheating and lying. Anyways I just wanted to get your final take on that. There was more to the convo but too much to type. She also told me that she is not going to block my number but if I keep calling her and texting her she will. I had not texted her the other day. Then she told me to only communicate through email the that she is only to use email to communicate with me and not suppose to talk on the phone with me because it is rude to her husband.
I hope you got enough closure to not talk to her ever again. I will not be surprised if she contacts you after a while. If she does, completely ignore her. This girl is probably going to cheat on her husband as well. I just hope you don't allow yourself to be the one she cheats on him with. You deserve better than her. Do complete no contact and move on with your life.
Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate you helping me through this rough time. You give good advise. I guess it's one of those things where you ignore your own internal instincts. I seen her for what she was in the beginning of the relationship but by then it was too late she had me brain washed with the image of her being a great girl. I just ignored my instincts and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But now I realize she is a person with a lot of issues that have really bad outcomes. Her previous relationships before me were train recks. I was the only one who stuck it out so long. I had one more email convo with her and based on her reponse I concluded she is using me to make her new husband jealous and trying to hurt me at the same time. She is a manipulating liar and I realized I cannot believe anything she says because it's BS. I stuck it out so long because her family embraced me into their lives, which I though was because they cared for me. However, in the end they all turned on me because their daughter minipulated them into thinking I was bad to her even though she lied to them and they know that she lied about cheating. But, I should have seen this coming because her mother only talks about have a "provider." Like mother like daughter. Either way I blocked her completely and I am looking in the present and future. Once again I appreciate you for what you do Kevin.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me.
Kevin,
I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me. and that she did not want to be with me right now.
Hello Kevin,
I wanted to reach out to you as it seems you give good advise. My ex gf of 3 years cheated on me and is still seeing the guy. She says they are just friends but she lied to me and spent a weekend with this guy and then told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want me to contact her. Now from the time she cheated till the time she saw this guy again was about 3 weeks or so (it could have been sooner but she would have hid it from me). Now she says he just keeps in contact with her. During these 3 weeks my ex was living with me in another state and told me that she was leaving me because she feels in her heart that we are not meant t be together and that she does not love me how she should to marry me and that she hates the way i talk to her which she said turns her off to me. So i broke down like any normal guy would but then i respected the fact she was leaving in 2 days. now i gave her all the space she needed to pack up all her things the next day and i went about taking her off my insurance to show i accepted the break up. Now i got home late that day and she had not packed a single thing. I asked her what was going on and she said she does not have a single reason today on why she wants to leave. so i continued giving her space to pack. finally mid night i said to her you need to make a decision. So she stayed. now this time living on this other state was a hard time and she became really depressed there. So i mentioned to her to go visit her family back home. she contemplated but then decided to go. A few days before she was going to leave she talked about going on a vacation by herself a few hours away from home to clear her head. i told her it was strange but she was depressed so i said if she needed to do it then do it. I also told her that if she was going to meet someone there to tell me. she said she wont be meeting anyone there. Turns out she did meet someone there. She said they did not sleep together and that he was a really old friend who helps her get over relationships. (i find it hard to believe she did not have sex with this guy). However, she kept to her story about not sleeping with the guy. she called me after her vacation and said she did does not want to be with me anymore and that she was not in love with me and that i will find someone who will fit all my needs. I pleaded with her. We talked about some of the problems we had in the relationship. over the next few days we talked on the phone. she talked about us having resentment for each other and how she needed some space and that we could start being friends and then work on dating. I ended up moving back home a week later and she flew up to help me move since most of her things were in that house. On the ride she was avoiding talking about us and everything. she kept saying she does not know if she wants to be with me right now. we stopped at a few hotels. i came onto her and we were intimate a few times. She also came and cuddled with me numerous times and told me she loved me. She held my hand in the car on the trip here and there and said she loved me back. she said she would think about getting back with me that i just need to give her till next week. so toward the end of the trip we got into an argument and she cried and i told her i wanted nothing ever to do with her when we got back. i asked her what was even going to be her decision and she said she wanted to work on things but not like this. So we talked and decided too work on things. for the next couple of days she was just acting disconnected and treating me like a friend. I brought her flowers to her job one day but she seemed not too taken by it. later that day i asked her to stop by and we talked. she said she had her guard up with me and that's why she acted that way toward the flowers. she asked why i brought them. i said to be sweet and that i was thinking of her. She then went on to tell me that she did not know if she wanted to be with me still and that she wanted to be friends right now and work on things later. i told her i could not be friends with her and it was not going to work that way. she left pictures of us at my house so i packed all them up and gave them to her. she said why and i said because i do not want to be reminded of someone who does not want to be with me. for the next two weeks i still texted her and called her and she would still tell me things going on in her life and she kept growing more angry because i kept asking her to hang out. she said i was not over it. She also talked about if she started seeing someone else would i get mad. She started lying about her days off which was to hang out with this guy on Valentines day and spent the weekend there. i found out because i put two and two together. She told me before Valentines weekend that she would consider dating me again. but then went and hung out with this other guy. i bugged her through texts and told her how i felt it was wrong to leave me in the shadows and hang out with that guy. she told me to just stop and that she is sorry i am hurting. then she texted me then next week and said she no longer wants to see me and that she does not want to contact me. Throughout this whole ordeal, she was very cold and emotionless. she did seem like she liked me chasing her though like it was feeling good to her that she made me like this. so i have not contacted her since. but 2 days later she blocked me on fb when an old ex gf liked a photo she was tagged in. then she deleted her fb right after another girl like my photo and my old ex posted something on my wall. could have been coincidence but the timing of the events is what i was looking at. then 6 days later my current ex hacked someones (a female friend) fb that she works with and that i am friends with on fb and wrote a shot out saying that this persons favorite person is my ex and that my ex makes this persons life complete. to me it sounds too coincidental to me. especially the wording. and that is not normal behavior of my ex. so i still ignored it and have not said much. My other ran into her and said she seemed good and was smiling and laughing with her female friend. But i am so confused still on why she would put a post like that after the no contact in place. and through her telling me she did not want to be with me she was flaunting how happy she was to be single and she is enjoying being single and doing what she wants and she was tired of doing what everyone wants her to do. She also told me to go hang out with other girls and stay busy. So i just remain with the no contact. my question is since i messed up and looked super desperate and did not give her space and it came to her telling me she did not want to see me anymore.... what do you think the chances are that she will come back around? she said she was over it when she did not want to be with me. but i find it so hard to believe. she has always been a bottled person. Should i just let her contact me or should i reach out to her in a month or so? before i bugged her to much before she made her decision, she did make plans with me to hang out the next week and see how things go. but i believe she knew she was going to hang out with this dude the weekend before. could you help me out Kevin?
Also when I saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.
He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.
I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.
I don't think you messed up. To put it simply, you can't mess up no matter what you do around him. The only way for you to mess up is to keep obsessing over him and not move on with your life. What you do in front of him is kind of irrelevant because both of you shouldn't get back together. If he wants you back in the future, you can decide at that point if you want to get back together or not (after taking into consideration how much he is sincere and willing to change). But until then, there's no point in figuring out the "right" or "wrong" actions. Your mind will always try to obsess over little things simply because it doesn't want to let go, but it won't matter in the end.
Also quick question.
I seen a job opportunity that he can qualify for and I know he's not working do you think if I send him the information it'll look like I'm just trying to talk to him? Or just don't tell him anything about the job. It's an agency but it'll be something.
Sorry it's 3 different post but everything happened at different times.
Yes, you should tell him. Just send him a short email (if he checks his mail) or a text. Don't turn it into a conversation.
So I just saw him. We didn't bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what's been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it's been good things happening I just kept answering.
He was saying good for you, that's good, that job would be great! Etc... also since he's not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I'm glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.
I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I'm ok with being around him.
Hey Kevin,
I tried writing you earlier and my post said waiting approval. I was not sure if it was received or not.
Hey Matt,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.
Yeah I was thinking about it and it's pretty petty of me to do that. Also if he was to find out I was lying it'd make me look pretty pathetic.
I'm not fully ok with it but I'd rather him not do it behind my back cause I know he's still going to bring her around our daughter if that's what he wants to do, but, so then don't bring it up myself?
Thank, I will do that then and continue to talk to him occsasionally. he texted me that he loves me last night. Should I reciprocate when he expresses emotion like that?
It's tricky. I will recommend you don't. But there isn't any harm in doing it either. Save it for when he wants to get back in a relationship.
I'm prepared for the possibility that it isn't. I am trying to move on and not depend on him coming back. I don't want to be disappointed if he doesn't so I'm just trying to let him go slowly. Deep inside I can almost be 100% sure that he'll come back to me once he gets over this BUT I don't want to think about that.
I'm going to see him tomorrow, we're going to take our daughter to the doctors. Anyways what if I tell him "I know he's going to continue bringing that girl around our daughter so I might as well get use to it" & somehow add that I'm seeing someone too (which I'm not) but just to put that in his head and maybe he'd get jealous or at least he'll have that in his head.
Do you think I should do that? Or is that playing too many games?
Don't do that. There's no need to lie. He is already quite jealous of how you are handling yourself after the breakup. Which is the reason he feels the need to prove how happy he is in his new relationship. Playing into his game will only make him feel better about himself. As for the girl, if the topic comes up, let him know that you are OK with it (only do it if you ARE actually OK with it).
Hey Kevin,
The past few days have been tough to say the least.
Its been feeling virtually impossible to do no contact since we have classes together, live near each other, share all the same friends and his work is less than a fifteen minute walk from mine.
When he needs something like for me to call the health clinic he will stop at nothing to get a hold of me. He's said he cares about me and my safety but thats it. That he will never date me again because of how bad he perceives our old relationship. He's protective and worries about me but says he feels nothing romantically. Him and his extremely young girlfriend are still together (3 months now) and I'm worried its not a rebound though he's told his friends he realistically doesnt see them lasting. He held my hand and told me he has faith in me when it comes to my decisions about the pregnancy but thats about it. It feels like he's in control of everything and has the door closed on me. He said he knows how much his new girlfriend bothers me even though I denied it for over an hour. I don't know how to revive love or what to do. I thought I had a good chance and their relationship was weakening but it feels like she has him on lock. And I don't know what to say or do when it comes to him. I'm afraid if I do no contact itll just separate us more and if I get an abortion and do no contact he will just permenantly exit my life.
Like I said before, no contact is your best bet. It's the only way to take the power from him.
Hi Kevin,
It's Anjali. Hope you remember me. I've posted here before . I'm the one with the ex who wanted to break up because he was too invested in work/career and didn't prioritize me enough and we dated for about 2.5 yrs and have been texting on and off lately.
My ex contacted me on Valentines day to say happy valentine's day and that he wanted to talk. We talked the next night for 3 hours. For two hours we just talked and it was really fun. We still have a lot of chemistry. I thought we were just catching up and conversation wasn't going to go anywhere serious .Then, he suddenly got kind of emotional and started saying he loves me, he misses me, and he misses a lot of things about our relationship. He asked me if I wanted to visit him ( he's across the country) and if i would be in the same city in him over the summer. He also mentioned briefly he'd looked at jobs in / around my city but hadn't found anything. I told him I wasn't willing to do that because it was a hassel lying to my parents but he was welcome to come see me. I also said i had another internship i was prioritizing in another city so if i got that i would do that....but I also did reciprocate his emotion and told him I still love him too/ would be willing to try things again. He said he wants things to work out between us but is worried that he is still not "mature enough" and too work focused and things would go back to the way before. I suggested taking it slow/ talking on the without any sort of obligation because it was really fun and see where it goes and he agreed with that. He also asked me why i loved him because he knew he'd been a really shitty boyfriend.
Overall, it seemed like he was being quite genuine and vulnerable because he is usually not a very emotionally expressive. Thinking back I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Talking was really fun and it has been the past couple times we've caught up without the burden of the broken long distance relationship we had. I think he's realized that he lost something important to him and it has been hard to get over me for him too.
I'm not sure if I should be harder though and instead should tell him that if he thinks he's not "mature" theres things he can change and fix to be with me and he should find me once he gets his ***t together. I'm not sure if what is saying is just nonsense and he doesn't actually love me enough to be with me. I'm not sure if this technique would be more effective in terms of getting him back or keep talking in a friendly way/ be responsive but not initiate much and make him chase me because he misses me. I still want to be with him but I don't want to screw this up now that I know he does want to be with me. On one hand, I think that talking on the phone once in a while with the chemistry we had might help rebuild things into a better relationship. On the other hand, I'm worried that it will make me seem to easy and it won't go anywhere. Right now, I do think I have the upper hand to some extent and I could either really use it and cut him off or keep things in status quo. What do you think will work best?
Hey Anjali,
I think talking to him occasionally until he gets his life together and become mature enough for a relationship is a good idea. Don't cut him off completely, but don't be too available either. Don't be needy and let him make all the moves. Let him initiate contact most of the time and don't move to some other city just for him (don't make big life changes for him).
I do need to stop obsessing over his relationship with her. I miss that feeling of being in the honeymoon stage as well but I'm not out looking for it.
By what I've told you so far would you say it's a rebound? & if he'll eventually come back to me?
Yes, and yes. But I can't say how long it'll take for his relationship to end. Also, I may be wrong and you should be prepared for the possibility. You should focus on moving on and not depend on him wanting you back in the future.
Hello Kevin,
I'm starting to believe the relationship he's in, isn't necessarily a rebound. Reasons I believe this is, is because on a post of her he said "only known you for half a year" we have 3 months broken up. He also said "you stole my heart from the first day I met you" So that means he's been into her for some time now.
Yes I know he's known her for the same amount of time he's been working there since she would work there at times with her dad. But only thing I don't believe is she stole his heart since the start because he was still giving me attention and telling me he didn't want to lose me. He still told me that a couple weeks before we broke up, telling me how much he loved me.
He seems to be really into this relationship with her so it must be real right? Or what do you think Kevin? Think he'll want me back?
In my experience, a lot of rebounds seem like very intense and passionate relationships. Also, seeing his history, I think he was missing the high you get in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and now that he has it, he is consumed by it. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, they'll both realise if it's a real relationship or not. Until then, there is no point in analysing everything. More importantly, you need to stay away from her posts and try to stop obsessing over his relationships.
So I followed the steps saw my ex and just had a friendly conversation for about an hour seemed like everything was working perfect she told me she missed me I thought awesome I'll give it a couple days then see if she'd want to do something so I went to ask her now she's being super distant, I know she'd be skeptical about a relationship again what should I try?
Give her more space. A week or two.
Kevin, this is fucking fantastic. Thanks man. Did someone break your heart?
Thanks. I went through a bad breakup a few years ago. I have been doing this since then. :)
Yes I have been on a roller coaster ride with my feelings. One day I'm all sad and thinking about him but other days I'm fine and just feel happy. I will cherish those days because I feel great. :D
Halo Kevin I wrote something and can not find it....
Hey Maria,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them, please post your question on the message boards here.
Hello Kevin,
So today I found myself being extremely happy. I guess you can say I had a talk with myself and realized I lost nothing here. He did. If anything I gained. I still want him back and I'll always care about him but as of now I'm finally feeling like I'm finding myself. I have amazing friends who are there for me right now in these tough times. I have my family. Most importantly I have my daughter.
We're breathing, we're healthy, what more can I ask for? I also came down to I'm not ready for any sort of relationship right now. I need to focus on my own goal and purpose which is get a good job and get my own place with my daughter.
I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt that he's not with me BUT I also realized that him breaking up with me was the best thing he did. At least for now. Cause if he never would've left me I probably would've never walked out or maybe in years from now. God knows how my life would've turned out.
I guess it was a blessing in disguise. Again I would want for us to get back and give our family/relationship a try but not now. I need to focus and be selfish with my time right now. He needs to find himself as well and work on his own personal issues.
Just like your article said on the rebound, I'm going to let it run its course. The more I try to keep them apart the closer I'll bring them so I'm just going to let them do their thing and I'm going to do mine. Everyone says it's a fling,rebound, that he's blinded but that's no longer my problem only if it involves my daughter.
But yes what he does is not my business. It hurts to see it and hear about it so I asked everyone to not keep me updated. I'm happy with life. I use to be upset and feeling like I was being punished for his mistakes since I was left sad and heartbroken and he was all happy in a relationship but he's lonely.
He's empty. He might feel her there now but he'll eventually think back to me. I know what I brought/bring to the table and I know what I offered and gave to him will be hard to find again. I have faith he'll come back to his us, his family but I'm not going to let it consume me. I'm not going to be waiting not living life. I'm going to live and live day by day and if I just so happen to meet someone then he's really going to know what losing someone feels like.
I just hope I can stay on this track and not fall back. I'm feeling better now, I hate feeling lost and heartbroken. But out of sight out of mind.
That's great e.p. Expect a roller coaster ride when it comes to your feelings during breakup grief. But cherish the days when you feel great. :)
Hey Kevin, its me again. I started overthinking my situation again and started wondering if I should try getting her back again.. I know its stupid and pointless and I should give up, but I just can't. Should I prolong my suffering? Or take as much time as needed like a few months (not caring whether she has a strong relationship or not) and contact and introduce her to the new me, but this time really a new me.. I really don't know I am really confused. I though saying goodbye will leave me in peace, but I can't find peace...
And do you think that choosing the other guy after all, means they are not going to have a rebound relationship? After only 2 months of dating (before she had told him she needs time and space) he had offered her to move in together. Of course I can't tell if she will agree or not, now that she is with him. Damn I overthink too much...
I find it extremely hard to accept the fact I will never be with her ever again. I can't stop hoping for the opposite and that is killing me.
Hey Toby, you can try again. It's your choice. But even if you want to, you need to grieve and accept the breakup if you want to have a better chance. There is even a chance there relationship won't work out (it might be a rebound). All the best.
Yes! I was reading the article of signs that its a rebound and there's a couple he does but can you be in love with a person even if it's a rebound? Cause he told her I love you in a picture he had uploaded of her. Or he thinks he's in love?
Yes, absolutely.
He's like moving too fast with her. Even trying to move in together. Everyone says that they just hope and better not get her pregnant.
Those are signs of rebound.
Hey Kevin,
I wrote a post but cant find it; Have you received it?
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for your answer, I will post on the message board but I was really looking forward to your opinion because you have experience.. Could you make an exeption for my story? Im so desperate at this point to just have a feedback from you, please Kevin would really appreciate!
Yeah I told them to stop sending me things about him. I need my mind distracted not updated. I know he'll most likely do it to her as well. I feel like she's trying to get to me. My friend said she's been trying to meet my daughter for a while now. She knows I wouldn't be ok with it but she still wants to. He also said that she's a shady person. She does cocaine. They also say he's blinded by her & that she kinda looks like me, which I don't think so, like at all.
Well when I see the posts he seems genuinely happy. Maybe to everyone else it's looks like he's trying too hard but maybe cause I'm just seeing him with her so it takes me back to when that was us. I am still young and I do need some sort of hobby to get distracted. It hurts and I know with time it'll hurt less. I'm just still too in love with him.
Then his cousin was telling me he'll realize he made a mistake with you and come back but it doesn't seem like it. That they always come back. I've heard all that from his family and friends. Yeah I need to tell me those things every time I'm feeling low.
Hello Kevin,
After some thinking and calming down I realized I can't stop him from bringing my daughter around her. He's going to continue doing it behind my back. I have no other choice but to get use to it. I can however warn him that if I hear anything bad is being done around my daughter(his new gf did/does meth) he will force me to take legal actions.
You're right maybe it's still a rebound since they did get serious very fast but that's no longer my business. He made his decision. I just have to accept it and let it go. He once admitted to my guy friends he was with her cause she cooked for him and did his laundry.
Also last night I was sent a screenshot by a friend that he posted on snapchat with her. They were both laying down on the bed and he was giving her a kiss on the cheek. Also they were on our bed and in our room. Where I once lived. But it's his bed and his room now so I guess. It looked like she was doing laundry cause there was clothes folded around.
Again not something I should focus on anymore. They probably deserve each other. Her for being a home wrecker and him for being a cheat. I'm just jealous that someone else has him but I have to stop.
Kevin you've helped me a lot even if I have my moments that I fall back, reading your responses give me hope for myself. That its okay to alone. It gives me confidence that everything will work out for me just fine. I just still have some learning to do.
Also again like always I was sent another screenshot of what he posted on instagram. He posted a picture of her saying that she had stole his heart from the first day they met. He's only known her for 6 months & that he knows they're gonna be together forever. Then he said I love you and Happy Valentines Day.
He use to say the same thing to me. That he knew we weren't for each other. That we were gonna be together forever. That he's never felt for any other girl what's he felt for me. That it was different with me. That I was just the person for him. Now I'm nothing to him.
But if she supposedly stole his heart then why a couple months we broke up he kept saying he loved me that he never wanted to lose me. That I was everything to him. That he realized I was the only person that would always be there for him. Who is he kidding?
Did he not mean it? or he did but now he's saying that because he doesn't want people to think he's moving to fast? Everyone keeps saying that it looks like he's trying to hard, like trying to convince everyone that he's truly into her and that he's happy. Like to prove he has someone. He post something about her but then deletes it that same day.
Valentines day hit me a little. First time in 5 years that I spend it alone without him. We've always spent valentine's day together. I feel down about this whole situation especially cause I saw him say I love you on his post about her. He never said that to any other girl even when we were broken up for 5 months.
I need to seriously learn how to let everything go. I did tell everyone to stop sending me things or telling me what he does. That I didn't want to be kept updated on his life cause it only hurts me.
The pain of a heartbreak is terrible. How do you get over someone when you felt they were the one for you since you met them. When you love them so much you'd do anything for them. I seriously feel we're meant to be. The way we somehow always were in each others lives since I was 14 is crazy. I felt he was the one. I'm so hurt right now.
The worst part is as long as he's happy I'm happy. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me but it's just not happening. I want to be happy as well but I don't know when that's gonna happen. One thing for sure is I'm ready to go out and people people. I need the distraction.
Yeah, it's a good idea to make everyone stop sending you these updates. He is probably trying to hard to convince himself and everyone else around him that he is happy and in a great relationship. He said the same thing to you and cheated on you many times. Guess what's coming for that girl? I know it sucks, but it gets better. Trust me. I have seen thousands of people get over breakup pain. You should go out and meet people. Get new hobbies and do something new. You are still young and you have a whole life ahead of you. You can't spend your entire life being cheated on by an immature guy who doesn't respect you. The breakup was the best thing that happened to you. Try to remember that when you are feeling low next time.
I broke the N.c. rule tonight. smh.... Love hurts.
I reactivated my account with facebook and have sent him a few messages
still, he reads ALL of them and still ignores me...
Start again. You have to be strong. Every time you contact him, you are putting yourself through emotional hell. Don't do it to yourself.
Thank you for your reply.
This morning, I couldn't stay asleep So I wrote to him...again and have been writing in my book( not a diary). I am re attempting to start he no-contact rule again. I really believes It's over though since he hasn't spoken to me since January 17. I have given up contacting him a few times a few weeks ago, but my feelings are strong which keeps me relapsing again.
She chose the other &^&)(*(&%^)&(_* 'I love you but things change with time'. I want to die. i bought her tickets to take her to dance should I do it anyway? This may be the last post from me. Thank you for the hope during these hard months for me! I hope better days will come someday......
Hey Toby,
I don't think you should take her now. It'll look desperate. Cut contact with her and try to move on. Yes, better days are right around the corner. Good luck.
Well he replied saying she was in the car he didn't even deny it. He even started to tell me she's a great girl and that he likes her a lot and she's helped him out. I tried not to bring up anything about our relationship but he kept trying to go there like make me bring up negative things.
I kept telling him I wasn't gonna go into to details with him. That he knows why I don't want her around my daughter and that all I'm asking is to respect. He kept trying to convince me like it was ok. I told him I'm not gonna get convinced. There's things you and I will never agree on, but that didn't matter anymore.
I told him to just respect my decision and to keep his word, but he kept trying to make her seem good like so I could be ok with it. I told him that his time with his daughter should just be between them two, to take advantage of the time. I told him your time with her do what you want but your time with your daughter at least give her your full attention.
I made the mistake of saying that I missed him he completely ignored it and I was fine with that. I felt this conversation went bad on some level. What hurt was him telling me that she's a great girl and that he likes her a lot. Meaning he's falling in love with her.
He must truly be into her and she must not be a rebound if she's around my daughter and I'm not sure if the girl was over his mom's house but if she was then he's really into her. He doesn't let his mom meet girls he's not serious about. Not sure if she did but I don't know. He basically confirmed it wasn't a rebound relationship right? Any chance we once had is done. He's done for good with him.
I feel dumb. I feel hurt by what he told me. Those are some things I just didn't want to know about him. That's why I kept saying I wasn't gonna go into details because I didn't want to hear them. I didn't want him to tell me he likes her a lot. I didn't need to know that.
I meant he's done for good with me. I did say I helped you a lot as well. I was always there for you ready for anyhring. I was always there for you even when I didn't have to be but that doesn't matter now. He had also said she didn't do anything wrong he's the one that hit her up. I told him it's the whole picture. You wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have gave you some sort of in. It takes 2. She knew the history and didn't give a damn.
Hey,
First of all, everything you said does not mean it's not a rebound. A lot of rebound relationships get really serious really fast and end after a while. However, you are again losing focus. Even if he is in a happy relationship, good for him. You two have broken up. And it's probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. You no longer have to try to please or keep a man who is not capable of being faithful and committed.
Hey Kevin,
Tonight went awful. He thinks I changed only for him. We ran into his girlfriend.
He pulled me aside to tell me to give up hope and move on because he's done with me and not backtracking because he's just "done" and doesn't love me anymore and has moved on. That I shouldn't hold out hope. that he knows I still love him but it just wont happen and I'll meet someone else.
I cried. I tried convincing.. I told him I changed for me not him. He said he's just happy with her now.
He held my hand then got his jackets for me to wear in front of his girlfriend then went over to kiss her.
He said there's no chance. Nothing.
Then said maybe we can be best friends.
What do I do? I thought their relationship was weakening and things were getting way better between us.
Hey Aly,
I guess he was seeing through your act and your crying convinced him. I think you should do no contact. You actually have to be OK with not being with him otherwise you will always be giving out vibes that you want him back. And he will see through that. You are still putting too much importance on getting him back and not on yourself. Doing no contact will help your feelings actually change and you will start putting yourself before getting him back. I guess it'll be hard with all the pregnancy thing, so I'll recommend you only speak to him about the pregnancy and nothing else. If possible, try to find another way to go to the clinic so you don't have to spend so much time with him.
I'm afraid to do NC Especially if I choose abortion because it'll just create a divide between us and feel finalizing. Do I still have a chance?
Aly,
In my opinion, no contact is your only chance. You have to stop being so afraid of losing him. That's the only way you can learn to be happy without him and start putting your happiness before anything else. As long as you are afraid of losing him, you will be needy and he will sense it.
I don't understand why things took a sharp turn south
It went from him caring and getting closer to what it is now. I saw him today when he gave me my sweater back. He brought up the baby and said his had more important things to do like Valentines day than communicate with me about the baby . When I tried to talk about it he got into his car saying he had plans which were more important and slammed his door. I was standing behind his car still ( we were talking behind his tailgate) and he seemed like he was about to threaten to hit me. Then he got back out after talking to our mutual friend who was trying to aleviate the situation and he invited himself to go hiking with my friend and I. It was pleasant until we were driving and we were all talking, at one point he said "If I never broke up with you you would've never dumped me. You're too obsessed with me. " I tried to defend myself and he kept saying I was crazy in love with him and obsessed with him. Our friend said that his ego was too big to his face and he said "No she was just so obsessed about me and still is" to which I had enough of and told him to go F himself and that I could care less for him.
While it wasnt true he keeps thinking Im obsessed with him. At one point he was parked near me and openned his car door expecting me to come in and was baffled when I refused.
Regardless, he dropped me off home and said goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow. To which I just ignored him and went inside.
I know on Valentine's Day he knew I went out with our friend on a date and he asked our friend if I made it safely home and asked a lot of questions about whether if I was safe and taken care of.
I don't understand if I handled anything well or whats going on with him.
Tomorrow we have an appointment together about the baby but we have to drive for an hour I don't know if I should ignore him during the car trips or try to bond or what.
Don't try to bond and don't ignore him either. If he talks, reply politely. But don't try to talk to him more than is necessary. As I said before, doing no contact/minimal contact is your best bet. He still thinks you are obsessed with him and it's true. Perhaps he is picking up a vibe from you or he has a big ego. Either ways, you have to prove him wrong. And the only way to do that is to actually stop obsessing over him and become OK with the breakup and the possibility of not having him back in your life. And the best way to do that is no contact.
I agree that no contact or minimal sounds like my best bet.
I tried to keep it to a minimum today but we ended up talking when we got to the waiting room. He was playing around and joking around like a kid and kept nudging me to get my attention and eventually apologized for how he had been rude and said I was obsessed saying he based it off a believable statement a friend of ours made.
He said he wished I communicated with him better. On the way home after we found out the baby's gender we both sort of blew up. He said he didn't want to know and was afraid of getting attached. At one point he yelled that it feels like he has no support and only I do, everyone's on my side, that he's "sick of everyone supporting me because they love me so much", that he never gets what he wants, that he wants to be done and move forward with his life, and when I told him im here to support him too thats when the big blow up happened where he yelled that I am not enough. I tried to get out of the car because I was crying and thats when he grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. It was the last thing I expected but he didn't let me go and kept hugging me and apologized.
I told him he needed to start seeing us as a team and to start respecting me and he told me to communicate better.
He dropped me off and said he was going home and was kind and hugging me, (my rpomate actually thought we got back together) but then he said he was going home and I found out he lied and went to his girlfriends. I don't know what to think about any of this.
Hey Aly,
I don't think having him in your life at this point is good for you. He keeps on giving you these mixed signals and then rejects you. I think he is very confused about his feelings for you, which is the reason he keeps on repeating that he wants to move on. I still think you should do no contact and stay away from him for a long period of time. That's the only way he will be able to sort out his feelings and realise what he really wants. It'll also give you the time to stop being needy and depending so much on him for happiness and peace of mind.
I'm so dumb. I messed up so bad. I texted my ex after he dropped off my daughter saying this...
"That b**** better not be around Abrielle. I'm not stupid, you were hiding someone in your car that's why you parked far & got everything quick. Do what you want just don't have her around my daughter."
I regret it so bad but I had got mad because every time he drops her off he parks in the driveway but this time he parked in the corner (I live 2 houses down from the corner). Anyways this time he parked in the corner and easy quick to take everything out of hi car so I wouldn't get close to his car.
I asked him was there more in the car and he said no that's all. He even left the back door open of his car and his headlights were on. He always turns off his car. It got me mad the fact that he swore he wouldn't bring a girl around our daughter unless it was a serious relationship and had been together for a long time.
Either way he knows how I feel about her and I don't want her around my daughter. I'm not 100% sure if she was in the car or any other girl but still. This morning when he picked up our daughter he parked right in front of my house and let me put our daughter in her car seat but this time it was.
I regret it but I don't what to do. I don't feel like I need to text him apologizing for texting him that, or should I?
No you don't. If YOU want to apologise, it's OK. But it's not necessary. Let him feel whatever he feels. You overreacted, but that's OK. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Hey Kevin,
I posted a comment yesterday. Have you gone through it yet??
Regards,
R.A
Hey R.A,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.
How long does it take for comments to post? I put two up yesterday
Hey CG,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.
You're right. I am losing focus. My purpose is myself and daughter. I will stop trying to make everything he does have a meaning behind it. Him doing all these things won't matter in the long run. You're right he should be the one trying to win me back. He made mistakes as well. But as of now I will stop focusing on him and focus on my happiness.
I need to stop giving him so much power over me. I have full power over myself and enough is enough. My path right now is just my daughter and myself. Becoming a better, happy person. Thank you Kevin.
Good Luck. :)
Thank you :)
Sorry again it wasn't letting me reply.
Well we ended pretty bad and for months we were mostly negative. I read that I have to give time
for both of us to change the view we have on each other, well him on me since I was needy, I begged him and I basically turned into the most unattractive girl with just being that way. It's gonna be 3 months since we broke up.
I don't expect him to be kind to me, I actually didn't even think he would be nice to me. It caught me by surprise that he was being nice. So in other words he truly is over me & the relationship we once had? Because the first time we broke up we were broken up for 5 months & we didn't even end on bad terms like that. Maybe I'm still stuck on that 5 months time limit.
No, it definitely doesn't mean he is over you and the relationship. But if you expect things from him, he will use it to manipulate you. Like I said before, there's a good chance he will want you back in the future. I can't say after how long, but from whatever you have told me, I think he will. And yes, even though you were needy, he was the one who was more responsible for the breakup. If anything, he should be the one proving to you that he can be faithful and committed. You are losing focus here e.p. Just because you are concentrating on getting him back. You should be concentrating on your happiness and whether or not he will be able to provide you with a committed and happy relationship. Not his happiness and how to get him back.
Right now, do not try to decipher his actions and what they mean. Him being kind, being rude, ignoring you, posting pics on instagram. All these things will not matter in the long run. The only thing that will matter is how you use this time to reclaim yourself and learn to be happy without him.
I have recently had a breakup with my ex.
To be honest I don't where to begin to start this comment. I can say this, after reading the entire article, you have written everything that has happened in my recent relationship. The deepest negative emotions I have experienced has led in results of showing how desperate I was to talk about this. Truly embarrassing as it sounds, I have done it all emails, text messages, calling from different phone numbers ( blocked) even the facebook messages( recently deleted my entire account).Sleeping during the night didn't make it better. Since the breakup, I have had 5 dreams about him for nearly 2 weeks and that has never happened to me.
My expression: W0_0W! I have really let down my myself on all levels. It almost felt like Depression has taken over me somewhat. I was in that state for 3 weeks. During those days, I can say I was able to still manage getting up accomplishing things that needed to be taken care of. At the same time, still I was experiencing a negative mood mentality, I began to blame myself for all the times I touch something, It turns sour. Also I began to think of the wrong and bad things choices and decisions I made in my life. How many opportunities and chances I missed out on. I wasn't the bad child. I was a young lady trying to be the responsible, I know what to do, don't need help from no one kind of person. With that thinking, It has led me to nowhere but becoming dumb and not listening to my own mother. to sum up this comment. My listening skills has yet to become better but I have calm down since my those days and now that the relationship I have had with my now ex I feel as If I have no chances left at all.
Yesterday, I made a decision to not contact him for awhile( for more than 3o days), even thinking of maybe playing the role of proposing to him but not until I really am sure If I won't to step up a level. . I am open to any criticisms o and pen minded speaking opinionated Opinions. thanks for reading *whew*!
Hey,
What you went through is common and you are not alone. You made the right decision. But you need to stop criticising yourself so much.
You have made the right decision to not contact him. Use this time to make some changes in your life and get out of this negative state of mind. Go out and do something. Make some positive changes in your life. Also, join the message boards and participate in the community. It can be therapeutic.
thank you for your feedback. I might have a 1 or 2 short questions to ask. Before I begin. I wanted to add on to my comment from 2 days ago. our breakup lasted 30 -40 days. This man told me " I'm finished" by via text. My heart sunked deeply. Is it childish of him to use that method rather than telling me by TEL? He has completely ignored me on Facebook (denied my request) have seen the messages I written and didn't reply. it has been 3 days since I've stopped the contacting.
I don't think it's childish. Breaking up is hard and everyone deals with it differently. It's not an ideal way to tell someone that. But then again, everyone is different. And rejecting someone takes a lot of courage. Some people just don't have enough courage to do it in person. But in the end, it doesn't matter how he said it. It doesn't even matter what he said or what words he used. Emotions are high after a breakup for you and him both. Until you both have had some time to calm down, and think things through (no contact), you shouldn't take it to heart. Follow the plan. If after that, he feels the same way, then you can be sure he means it. Until then, use this time to improve yourself.
Hello Kevin,
I feel my ex is playing games or maybe it's just me. Last week on Monday I took my daughter to the hospital, he came to pick us up and still stayed to be with her for a bit longer. Anyways he called me the next day asking how she was doing and that he was gonna go. He didn't because his mom ended up coming so we agreed the day after.
Remember how I told you about the whole girl thing and I got upset so I just said it was late already that maybe some other day? Well after that he never replied nor did he ever text me back the following days, until Sunday.
He texted me twice at noon, one saying he was going to pick up our daughter and she was gonna stay with him for a couple of days and the second one saying he was going to pick her that day and bring her back at night. I asked what time? But he didn't reply. So I got my daughter dressed and her diaper bag ready. We were waiting and waiting and he never texted or called me.
To my surprise he never showed up. Didn't even call to cancel or anything. Fortunately for me and my daughter's sake she's only 2 so she didn't understand being stood up by her dad. I didn't text or call him until the next day. I told him was he suppose to pick her up yesterday because she was ready and waiting for him. Again no reply.
I'm actually shocked with this because he's never done this to her. Every time he says he's coming for her or that he's gonna visit her, he does unless he really can't but he let's me know. He had been really nice to me, we were getting along just fine but after that night I texted him it was too late to come he got distant again.
Could it be the new girl influencing him? Like to not be around me? Should I have a serious talk with him about this? Sometimes I feel he's messing with my head because him being kind to me and getting along and being a great dad is everything to me but then to do this!
He's never been a guy to really fully open up about his feelings but he can't be that cruel can he? Also do you believe in age phases or maturity phases. Everyone is blaming his age saying he's too young, it's just a phase he'll be back. He's gonna regret leaving you. He just turned 21 in November. I don't know maybe I just over analyze things.
Hey e.p,
You can be right on all accounts. His girlfriend influencing him, his age thing, or him just playing games. But whatever it is, it shouldn't affect your life. If he is going to be the type of father who stands up his daughter, you should have a serious talk with him. But now is not the time for that. Wait till your daughter is old enough and enough time has passed for both of you to get over the breakup. You should not expect him to be kind to you. If you depend on him on any way, you are giving him power over you. And he can use that power to manipulate you and screw up your progress.
Hi Kevin,
I had posted my problem for you to give me an insight,however, i have'nt received a reply from you yet....It said your post is being moderated...Could you please help me?
Hey Rudra,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your question on the message boards.
I've been telling him that I don't want him back each time he brings it up and he was thinking that I changed all for him and I told him that wasn't the case and it was for myself.
Now he's been more supportive, though he got hot headed, each time he did it resulted in us talking it out and hugging it out. He's been more touchy. (Rubbing my leg, holding my hand, hugging me, rubbing my back.) And when he dropped me off home he made sure I got to the door safe and stayed for a little bit (It was late at night and I live in not the greatest area) so I have been seeing that he's been caring a lot. When I'm around him he sees more playful now and is bumping into me.
I know it's frustrating his girlfriend, but at the end of the day hes still with her at some point even if just for an hour or two. She said if I wasn't pregnant she would block all contact between him and I and I know he doesn't tell her everything, if anything.
I drove to go hiking with a few friends and he saw me driving and followed my car and asked if he could go hike with us. At the end of the day his girlfriend messaged me asking me how our appointment with the doctor went, which really confused me.
She told me that he also won't open up to her and tells her he is just sleepy and I hear most of their relationship is in her living room in front of the TV.
While he spent an hour recently opening up to me about how he doesn't know what he's doing, is stressed, scared about the pregnancy, and so on.
I don't know what next moves to take.
I think you should just continue what you've been doing. You don't need to make any moves. Their relationship is slowly weakening and I think they will break up eventually. When they do, don't jump at the opportunity and try to get him back. Let him make the moves. You are doing great. Good luck.
He has been nothing but kind recently, even considering keeping the child even if he still doesn't want to. Assuring me he will be around to be there for me and won't leave me if I do get an abortion and he will stick around. I said he said that before and left and he said I have to understand that he was overwhelmed and I was depressed and it was bringing him down. He said in the future he thinks we wont make a crazy effort to see each other but we will still be around each other due to mutual friends.
Which upset me because I still want to get him back but I looked at the brightside that he sees me in his future in some form at least.
I tell him I understand exactly why we broke up and I dont blame him,
I Stopped defending myself and saying oh whyd you leave me you should've stayed through thick and thin and started saying, yes I can see I handled things badly I agree with you.
I tell him I want him to be happy and that I want him to succeed also.
So I'm doing my best and hoping for the best. Even in classes we share I have been seeing him looking at me. And I know he sees me more than his own girlfriend of two months.
Which I know if we were dating and he used time he could've been spending with me or even his friends to constantly see his ex Id at the very least be uncomfortable.
Hey Aly,
You are doing great. Don't let anything he says upset you. People change their mind a lot of times. It's a good sign he sees you in the future. Just keep your calm and continue doing what you have been doing.
Had a long talk to him tonight where we talked on the subject of our old relationship. He made several statements.
He thinks how I was in the old relationship was unfair to him, he felt I was trying to convince him to get back with me all the time by saying it was unfair how he held things against me, he said he's glad I'm handling things better now and turned everything around but he will never get back with me because he can't just forget everything he went through and the reason he went back to his ex now is because they didn't end on bad terms, I said we didn't end on bad terms and that he was simply overwhelmed and he said yeah those are bad terms.
He said he felt I made everything about one of my exes during our relationship and just sees it all as negative and that I used to handle things poorly. No matter how many times I agree with him or apologize it seems to have no effect, I asked him to not hold it all against me and understand and he said he does understand and not to worry because he is just complaining because he has a right to because I used to complain so much while we dated.
He sees our entire old relationship so negatively and it feels like with time hes not getting more nostalgic but summing it up into one big negative experience forgetting all the good.
How do I begin to get him back when he is saying he will never go back?
Let him think the way he wants. Don't try to change it or influence it. It's his way of processing everything. Just tell him, that whatever happened was in the past and you are not expecting him to get back together with you. Have patience. It might take some time. But if you keep your cool and don't show any signs of neediness and act like your old self, you have a pretty good chance.
Thank you,
Is there any way I can remind him of good memories or attract him back?
We have been spending a lot of time together driving to the pregnancy clinic and we laugh, talk, and listen to music (we try as best as possible to avoid the stress of the situation and it's quite the road trip) but nothing besides that. I'm afraid once I get the abortion (which is what he really wants and what I'm starting to think is the best for me) that he will drop out of my life.
But what I do know is that he cares, at the very least, thats something, he asks me if I'm okay, puts his hand on my back if he sees I feel sick, asks me about my family, rubs my leg to comfort me, and wants to be there for me. He gets me coffee, I had no where to go one night this week because of issues in my household and he drove in the middle of the rainy night straight out of bed to take me to one of my girls apartment and walked me to the door. I keep wanting to say love doesn't just go away in two months and it can't just disappear completely simply because he was just overwhelmed by how poorly I handled things. It seems like he's keeping me close to watch over me and care about me but it also seems like he's keeping his distance because of his girlfriend and because he wants to be done with me and all the negativity that came with me.
I've kept my calm and I try my best to not pressure him, and I'm trying to make him laugh and create positive memories even though we are stressed out of our minds driving hour long car trips to the clinic for appointments.
But I saw a notification light up today while he was using his phone for navigation, he doesn't talk to his girlfriend much it appears if about anything (Whenever Im around him hes not talking to her and vice versa), but she also expresses concern to him and they seem good? Solid? And it makes me wonder if their relationship is actually weakening and if he will ever go back to me, especially since he says he never will go back.
Hey Aly,
Yes, his relationship is probably weakening. But, I don't think you should be trying to make any moves right now. If you can remind him of positive memories in the past without making it obvious, do so. But make sure it doesn't lead to any negativity. You are getting plenty of time to spend with him and you are using it wisely. Keep doing so. Even if you go through with the abortion, do not do anything that reeks of neediness. Let him initiate contact with you and if he doesn't give him space and time. Like I said before, it'll take time and a lot of patience on your part. Don't start obsessing over little things and don't do anything needy or desperate. That's your best bet right now.
Hey Kevin,
We ended up spending all day together again and went to fill out forms and get dinner, a lot of time went into talking and making each other laugh. I teared up from stress and he asked me whats wrong and put his arm over me and multiple times pulled me in today to hold me and rub my shoulder telling me we got this. When he took me home we talked in his car and he held my hand for a long time and I rested my head on his shoulder, he says he knows we will be dealing with this for a long time and will go through it together.
He brings up his girlfriend but very, very rarely and to say simple things like, "She and I went out to eat and I ordered this and it was a really good burger!" So I don't think too much of that. I'm trying to be positive as possible and we definitely are touching affectionately a lot more now.
Although things have been improving between he and I, his girlfriend and her sister constantly send me pictures of him and his girlfriend saying how cute and happy they are and how jealous I must be. He also said he was going home after dropping me off at work but went to his girlfriend's and lied to me. I don't know what to think about any of this and it seems really discouraging..
Hi Kevin. Your articles are very helpful. Thank you so much.
Btw, where can I find the sample letter? It says I can find in step 5, but I don't see any. ;(
Please help me.
Hey Sunkist,
It's the 10th email in the email series. You can read the FAQ section for more clarification.
Hello Kevin
It's probably been a week or so since I last posted and I must say lately I've been dreaming with my ex too much even that he proposed. Anyways lately he was acting nice to me & seemed changed not completely but his attitude had changed towards me like he was no longer angry if I texted him(only about our daughter) or even when he would see me.
Even my best friend who is also my neighbor which is his friend's girlfriend said she noticed he changed in a good way. Anyways on Monday (Feb.2) I took my daughter to the hospital and I told him I was taking her, he picked us up and then took me to get her medicine. He was nice and even called the next day to say he was going to come visit her. He didn't cause his mom ended up coming but said he would come today (Feb.4).
He was would normally get here around 8 but then he wasn't showing so at 8:30 I asked him if he was still planning to come he replied right away sayin yes that he just had an emergency at his job in Tustin. Then out of the blue my friend that lives up state texted me asking who was the girl he was posting on his instagram. She then sent me a screenshot. He posted 2 pictures of that girl that I know.
I got mad because I had made food for him, my friend, and her boyfriend for allowing us to meet up in their house and when I seen that I got so mad and hurt that I was like I refuse to cook for someone who's posting another girl. So I texted him around 9:10 saying it was too late already that maybe some other time.
Was I too obvious? He doesn't know I seen that but he maybe thinks I got mad cause he was taking long? I'm so hurt I thought we had a chance. What do I do? I really don't want to see him right now.
Also to add to this. He's apparently with her at his job(Her dad had got him the job which her dad was also my aunts boyfriend). Someone told me she posted a picture of herself on his snapchat(another type of social media). I'm so angry right now. I thought I was fine but his nice changed attitude had me thinking twice and got my own hopes up. You're so right he's never going to change. Or at least not any time soon. To be honest I'm scared to move on.
I want to be with him because I love him But also because he's my daughter's dad. I want my family back but how does he see what he's throwing away. I'm always positive around him. I don't act needy. I don't text him everyday. I let him be but he seems to not care what so ever.
Hey e.p.,
As I said in the article above, freaking out if he is dating someone else is a very common reaction. You have taken a step back from where you were. You were ready to move on, were feeling confident and were OK with him not being in your life. What you are experiencing right now is just a reaction. It's your instincts. But try to remind yourself why you left him in the first place and why you decided that you should learn to live without him and be happy without him.
He has all the right in the world to see some other girl. And you should not let it bother you. It's probably a rebound and if you want to get back, you still have a chance. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you were miserable with him for a long time and he has been unfaithful to you more than once. You are STILL better off without him.
You’re right it was just a reaction to seeing it. I mean I know he’s been seeing her for maybe 2 months already but I just got mad when I seen the picture. I did step back and think about why I left his side and I feel better.
I still feel confident just an instinct reaction. I know he’ll come back to me but little by little by everything he’s doing I’m seeing a less chance for him. I’m ready to date, which I should do because just as much as he has the right I do to.
I have a feeling it’s a rebound too since my friend told me he compares what this girl does with me. If he’s truly over me then why compare or even bring me up? I’m no longer letting there relationship get in my head. I’m happy with my life right now. Things are looking up for me.
As for them, out of sight out of mind. I’ma let them ride out their relationship. They’re both poison. Thank you for the reinsurance Kevin! :)
Hey Kevin,
My ex has told the new guy she needs time and space to choose whether she will be with him, me or will stay single and try to move on. She told me she likes him and at the same time loves me and thinks it won't be fair for one of us if she chooses the other, so she is considering staying alone. What should I do?
One more thing. She thinks it's selfish of her to just choose one of us. She is very confused and is analyzing the pros and cons of me and the other guy.
Don't push her and if she decides to stay alone, tell her it's OK. You can change her decision later on, but you if you act needy, desperate or push her, you will look unattractive which will probably push her to the other guy.
What is better, being close to her while she's deciding, or keeping a little distance? Should I make her think I'm slipping away from her, because that way she will be more interested in me? Maybe if she is 100% sure she can have me anytime, I won't be so interesting to her? What should I do? Help me please! I feel like it's a now or never situation, because if she chooses the other guy, I'm planning to give up on her and try to really move on. Thanks!
I think a little bit of both. Have a life of your own. Keep yourself busy. If she asks to meet or talk, then agree and meet up. But don't always be too available for her. Most importantly, don't put too much pressure on yourself to make the right moves. Her decision is mainly going to depend on whatever happened till now and not what you do right now. She already said she loves you and only likes the other guy. As long as you don't do anything to push her away (acting needy, insecure), you are going to be fine.
Should I make romantic things, you know Valentine's day is coming... I've planned buying tickets to a show I know she would enjoy? And I didn't usually do that when we were together so I think she will be impressed.
Valentine's day is a little tricky in your situation. I guess since she has already told you that she loves you, I think it'll be OK to go ahead with that. But don't make it a surprise. Ask her in advance if she wants to do something on V day. Make your moves depending on her reaction.
Hey Kevin, how often do you think I should contact her (calling, texting, facebook chat)? The more days that pass without talking to her the more nervous I get. The negative thoughts overtake me and I lose hope, until the next time we talk. I'm afraid I didn't get the best of the no contact period, but a new one is not an option. What do you think? Thank you for your help until now!
Hey Toby,
It depends on how well she responds to you contacting her. If she is receptive and warm, then once in every 3-4 days. If not, then you should wait a week or two. Also, it's a good idea to let her initiate contact sometime. If you have been the one to initiate contact for a month or two, then you should wait till she initiates contact.
Yes she is receptive and warm and we both initiate contact. She is enjoying the ability to talk to me whenever she wants, now that the no contact period is over. I hope I'm not getting friendzoned thou.. Remember I am still waiting for her to choose one of us (or stay single). I've decided not to start the topic, because that would be rushing things. I will wait for her to start it, because that's what is expected from her, as long as she knows I am waiting for her decision.
Hi Kevin
You have given me quite a lot to think about regarding my relationship with my husband and your advice seems sound.My husband and I have been seperated for more than a month( and yes I did reply to his messages).What I want to know is.I have left my husband previously for one month since September 2014 and than he asked me to come back and I did.
I left him again since 25 December2014. I want him back. But this time he spoke about divorce and Iam panicking. Will he take me back? I'll admit I am a difficult person to live with,because I feel he takes me for granted.His family and child always comes first.My sister told me that maybe I am too impulsive,immature and jealous.But I believe he made a vow to stick with me,becoming one and all that entails.Please help.
Hey,
I can't really say if he will go ahead with the divorce or not. But panicking is not going to help. Even if he is thinking about it, you have a chance to change his mind. And the best way to do that will be to follow the plan. Use no contact to work on your issues. Get professional help. Read books which deal with the issues you have. Learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. How to convey your desires and requests in a non threatening way. It's a skill that can be learned. And all the issues you mentioned can be easily controlled/resolved with therapy and self awareness. Good luck.
Trying to sign up for the emails but Im not receiving the confirmation code. Ive tried two different email addresses. Any ideas?
Hey Mike,
The confirmation mail is already sent. Please check your junk/spam folder.
hi Kevin,
i had left a message here
please revert , need help
Thanks for this website, it's amazing
Kevin
That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.
Sorry I had to copy & paste because it wasn't letting me reply.
Yes I will be more careful and think it through very carefully when it comes to making that decision. I need to see changes before I can even think about it and I will not just take him back like nothing. My self-esteem has gone up so much that I know I deserve to be happy and I will not settle for less. If he shows changes but then goes back then I will not put up with it because I don't need that in my life, or just plain any other guy and their b.s. in my life. Thank you once again! :)
You are welcome e.p. :)
I sent you a comment a few days ago. Did you receive it?
Esther,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. I'd recommend you post your questions on the message boards.
Yes, I also submit a comment here and never made it.
Sorry about that Andy. Please post on the message boards.
How do you do NC when you have children? We have four together and neither of us is willing to miss out on basketball games, etc. Also, he left me (married for 18 yrs and he cheated and is living with other woman now) and left me with the bills to figure out. He was in charge. Do I just do it by myself? I could be making big mistakes if I don't consult him but maybe it's worth it? Please advise.
I wrote about no contact with kids on this page. For the basketball games etc., I guess you will have to meet up with him. But try to keep the interactions with him minimum. Take a friend with you if possible so you have someone to talk to. If you need help with the bills, you can call him if it's absolutely necessary, but it'll be a better idea to ask someone else who also has experience with bills (a friend or family).
He wants to be the one to make the decisions on the bills and how they are paid. I'd rather he stay out of it and let me do it now but he wants to be in control of how his money is spent (even if it's to the detriment of paying down our debt). So do I just let him keep being in charge? If I got my separate account he would go ballistic and think I was trying to control him which would send him into a warring mindset.
Interesting. If I were you, I'll still get a separate account. Tell him that it was his decision to be separate and you have to learn to take care of yourself and not depend on him. Let him know that it's not your intention to hurt him with this action or prove something to him. It is a part of you moving on from the breakup and if he wants to breakup, then he should be accepting of this. If you say it in a calm manner, he will probably understands. If he goes ballistic, cut contact with him for a while and give him time to process his thoughts. He will eventually calm down and accept it.
Hello Kevin
I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much. Another little update we seen each other again 2 days later after he came to visit to see our daughter but only to pick up our daughter he started talking to me about his job & he's been going through there. He's nice to me and we actually get along. I don't feel awkward being around him or to see him anymore. It feels nice to know we can get along after he swore we couldn't and thats why he broke up with me. I have made some physical changes in my life I went from being 160 lbs to 129 lbs so that boosted up my self-esteem and I feel great. I actually feel I'm maturing a bit from this situation little by little. Again not going to lie to myself or anyone by saying I don't want him back because I still do and I still love him but yeah I just wanted to update you a little on what's been going on and to thank you!
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for getting back to me.
In a way, i think marriage is a life long commitment to me, i haven't thought about and planned to look for someone else.
i am not living in u.s.. honestly, in where i m living, there are not many good men. if there are, nearly all of them are already married and unavailable. furtheremore, the people in my country are pretty stereotype. It is not easy for a divorced woman with children to find another partner. most men prefer 20+ women.
on another note, my counselor had analysed for me that my personality is a bit difficult to get along. there are only a few men would suit me and meet my criteria. my husband is one of them. unless i am able to change my personality, or else my h is who at this stage suits me the best.
I chatted with my h today. he said he didnt think about proceeding with divorce if i hadn't reminded him. often times, i played a role in pushing him to a corner where he felt he must get rid of the relationship.
would you say that the first step if not getting divorce is the first milestone?
what you said is true in theory. but in reality, i dont find it easy to find someone better than him. if he is willing to keep status quo, i would keep this relationship at this stage for my n my child's benefit, until i meet someone better which is not easy.
Oh, furthermore, i do not agree with divorce n it is against my wish. i shouldn't kill the relationship by asking him to go ahead with divorce, should I?
i m living well now, am enjoying my life on my own and my time with him, it is in a way moving on. i thought having a person whom i can practise how to get along with is a blessing. after divorce, i don't see any future lies ahead for me... other than continue to be single.
Hey Calista,
I think everything you are saying, about your culture and your personality being difficult to get along with, are just excuses you are giving yourself because it is scary to put yourself out there. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you become scared of the single life. It's one of the biggest reason people find it difficult to move on. But how can you know this for sure unless you have tried?
But anyways, if you are satisfied with your current arrangement with your ex, then I don't see any harm with continuing with it. However, I still don't agree with your reasoning behind it.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for confirming my decision to keep the relationship. i have been checking for your replies every other hour.
your replies have prompted a lot of thoughts in my mind and rethink what i want and where i stand.
honestly, my husband has never given me any sweet talk to lead me on. it is me who find him worthwhile fighting for. i have a happy time with him now. he treats me well and makes me happy.
I am already moving on (i.e. not live with him n have my own life). there is no more room for me to move on other than to divorce him. I am moving on but i want to keep the relationship. so far, i havent met any men who is more caring and thoughtful to me than he does. the only thing he has done to hurt me is probably the desire to leave. but he is still around.
i am also wondering that i may not have done the right steps to save the relationship. instead of using minimal contact, i become a text n call gnats and constantly push him to a corner, yet he still bear with me. i believe other men would have run away already.
I m not even sure if i can implement minimal contact starting now coz i really love talking. But i take your comments on board. i am moving on, while i keep this relationship as i m happy with him n enjoy being treated nicely.
Good Luck Calista. I'll recommend you at least try minimal contact once. Let your ex know that you need space and time for yourself and I am sure he will understand. It'll also make it easier to go ahead with implementing it once you have told him about it.
Thanks for your recommendation.
You are right that my ex is very understanding. When I told him I want some space and time from him, he was in fact very supportive and happy with it that I am attempting to make some changes. However, shortly after I said it, I broke it. You know, it is like if I am telling myself not to call him, I am reinforcing my wish to call him. haha. This is an excuse for myself. My ex would say I break what I said. So, I thought I may never be able to implement the correct procedure in winning my ex back. What I have been doing in the past two years are looping what I did wrong and sort of reinforce his decision to leave me is correct. Yet, he is still around. So I reckon that's a good sign for my chance, as a way to cheer up myself.
Everyone has a certain degree of selfishness. I am also selfish too. I am keeping him around for the sake of myself, instead of releasing him to the better world. My ex decides not to proceed to divorce is not because he is selfish and keeping on the string. It is because I said if he does so, I will be very hurt. He respects my wish. He has never lead me on...as I said.
After hearing from your suggestion, it seems that minimal contact is the only way the go as the first step. If I don't do it, I will never know start the "save the relationship" mission properly. On another note, throughout the past two years, I have been making some positive changes in myself (in terms of appearance which is easier to handle than changing personality, and stay strong). My ex admits that I am attractive. So, the only thing that is missing is the minimal contact.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks a lot for your concern.
I am thinking would it be because i keep on pestering him to move back in with me, thas why he is defensive in making a move to get back with me.
I am not sure if i have told u the reason why we broke up. We married for six years but i didnt respect him n treat him properly as my husband. for the past six years, i didn't live with him. He has endured n loved me a lot. But since i didnt work on the relationship, his love to me dried up.
Given we r on seperation mode, what he is doing to me is more decent than most men who had broken up with his gf or wife.
After hearing the above, would your view to his love / treatment to me change?
Hey Calista,
Given you have been separated for the past 2 years and he still doesn't want to get back together, I still think you should consider moving on. He might be treating you better than most people, but he is not giving you the commitment that you want. If you look at things from a different perspective, him treating you nicely after the breakup is giving you hope and in a way stopping you from moving on. If he had treated you like "most men", perhaps you would have moved on from him till now and found someone who makes you happy.
Whatever his reasons are for not going ahead with divorce and giving you hope (not wanting you to move on, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to breakup his family) are in a way selfish. Like I said before, it's your decision and if you want him back, you should go ahead and with minimal contact for a few months. But till when are you willing to live like this? Give it one last attempt. Or give yourself a time limit. Six months or a year. If he doesn't want you back till then, you should give up hope and try to move on.
Thank you so much for this great advice. I really needed this... :)
Thanks so much for putting this out there and for free and for genuinely helping people out. Bless you for doing that. I found all your information here very helpful and useful, and I promise you I would have never found anything so to the point as this anywhere else. This is exactly what I needed to read and it's right on the money. The way you put everything so simply and laid everything out, it's perfect. You really helped me out and puts things into perspective. You are amazing and thanks for doing that!! :)
Thank you for your comment Annie. Good luck. :)
Hey Kevin,
So an unknown person anonymously let him family and girlfriend know about the pregnancy and he played as if he had just found out too, acting shocked.
He told me he didn't want to be friends, that it was probably one of my "messed in the head friends" who told his girlfriend, that he wants me to just get an abortion, get this "all over with and leave me and my crazy issues in the past."
According to him his girlfriend wasnt shocked or upset and is acting like I am not pregnant and getting more possessive. He told me he can't keep taking me to Planned Parenthood or keep talking to me about it.
Even while he was telling me he didn't want to be friends and only put up with me due to mutuals it still sounded far from the truth (he wouldn't reach out on his own/try to see me/keep pictures/show up to see me and take me home/etc. ) and we talked for two hours, half of which was about the pregnancy, the other about random conversation bits such as cars, and our lives, animals and so on.
I let him know I understand how he felt and that I wanted him to be happy.
He told me he liked his girlfriend and planned on hooking up with her before I came in his life and he fell in love with me.
Today tensions were high since we have started fighting about how important going to planned parenthood was, and I ended up walking out to avoid one of us blowing up. He was getting very agitated and he pushed and swore at his closest friend who started defending me. Hes a very calm, laid back person and I've never seen him like this before. But tensions and blaming is very high right now and he wants to run and leave me behind.
What do I do? How do I even begin getting him back Kevin?
Had a talk with him tonight and he admitted to overreacting when he threatened to oermenantly leave and admitted to losing his cool lately due to being really stressed and we agreed not to fight and work together as a team in regards to the pregnancy. He embraced and hugged me and was pretty reassuring and apologetic.
He still holds to not loving me or wanting to go back because of the past and because he has his current girlfriend.
How do I get him back at this point?
Or act towards him?
Hey Aly,
I think at this point, you should concentrate more on what's best for you and the baby than getting him back. There's a good chance you will not get him back. And you should accept that. You should not push him into getting back together. Like I said in my last comment, you should act like you don't want him back instead of making it obvious that you want him back.
Thank you Kevin, I found out he deleted all our pictures but he has also been lying to his girlfriend about us who had no knowledge of anything. She wants to help him and I with the pregnancy and she still feels worried and threatened. He's on board to help out and go to aoointments but doesn't want to be involved if I decide to keep the child.
While the the pregnancy is my number one priority.
I do still love him and want him back but I don't know if I should get space or get closer.
some of his friends have a feeling we will get back together. As of now he started dating the extremely young girlfriend two months ago, a week after we broke up, she told me she thought about breaking up with him but also likes him and has considered going through his entire phone out of worry before because I would text him and he wouldn't tell her why.
He and I have casual conversations besides the baby and he got coffee with my friend and I on Monday and kept that a secret.
I don't know what to do or what steps to take
I think you should get space and not try to get close with him. His relationship looks like a rebound and speaking from experience, I think it'll end soon. Like I said before, keep doing your thing and don't act like you want him back.
Hey Kevin!
I've been trying to do my best to get some space, his girlfriend tried to come back into my life again since he had been keeping her in the dark and lying,
I to my regret filled her in and she tightened her grip and still feels worried,
but,
initially he and I were tense and ended up conversating at a point where we let out a lot of negativity, positivity, made jokes and he referenced our sex life and joked around about that. He explained how he doesn't know how to handle any of this, and though he did bring up his girlfriend once, we ended up finishing our conversation laughing and on a good note. He brought up how he cares about me regardless of whether we are dating and I shouldn't make assumptions that he doesn't care.
He also said he wanted to be "done with me" still and that his family wants to communicate to mine about the pregnancy.
What would be some next steps?
Like I said before, your main concern right now should just be your pregnancy. If it's meant to be, he will come around. I am not sure if you are still giving him the vibe that you want to be with him or he is just saying that to feel like he has power over you. If it's the former, then try not to. Regardless, let him know clearly that you do not intend to get back with him and you are only concerned about your well being and doing what's best for you. And waiting for him is not good for you. In fact, next time he brings up the topic of him not wanting to be with you, tell him you completely agree with him and that you don't want it either.
Dear Kevin,
I really appreciate your response as i am looking for some guidance during my critical moments.
After much struggles, my husband wants to discuss selling our joint property as he finds it hard to afford it while he is currently renting a place and is looking for a job. we shared the down payment while he had paid for the mortgage for the past four years till now. i am a bit sad that he raised this but he agrees not to go ahead with divorce at this stage.
I don't want to combat his wish n reluctantly agree to sell the flat. he will give me half of the sales proceeds. he said he try to be as reasonable with me as possible.
i asked him why he is still considering a divorce. he said becox i keep pestering him on and off to move back in and having another child with me. i admit i dont do well on this.
but now, he is willing to hold off the divorce decision.
yes, i still want to fight for him as he is not a bad person. aftering hearing the above, do u think i have a chance?
the fact that he suddenly brought up that topic disrupt my minimal contact plan. from what u said, i just need to continue with it. i m worried that i m running out of time as our seperation date is due. so i thought of hurring off to the next stage - that is to rebuild connect.
what do u suggest now? thanks.
Hy Calista,
"Not a bad person". Is that what you want to settle for? There are a lot of great guys out there who are caring, thoughtful, loving, loyal and more compatible with you than your ex. Guys who will treat you the way you deserve and will commit fully into making the relationship work.
If that is your reason for wanting to be with your ex, then I must say that I don't agree with your decision.
Nevertheless, it's your decision and not mine. And if you want him back, I'll recommend you continue with minimal contact for a couple of months. Only talk to him about the sale and your child. And do as I said in my last comment.
Hi Kevin,
Actually, i would like to ask what should i do after he proceeds with divorce?
currently, we have family time together with our child. i treasure our family time and i enjoyed it. i have no regret for the past two years as that was what i wanted to do and thas my time when i realise i have a family, so i treasure it a lot.
if he proceeds with divorce, would it be better off for both of us not getting together for family time. that is i just drop off my child with him. so that i can get use of my life without him?
Kevin,
I told my husband i am very upset by simply hearing he wants to have a good discussion with me without having even heard about the divorce word. i also told him that if he proceeds with divorce, i won't continue the family time with him anymore.
He told me he will put off discussing anything with me. does this sound more hopeful?
now, what could i do next? i still haven't finished my minimal contact period. should i just continue with it n then the remaining plan?
Hey Calista,
If he wants a divorce even if your relationship is better than before, then it means he doesn't want to be with you. And I think if he doesn't want to be with you even after 2 years of separation, then you are better off without him. I agree that you shouldn't continue family time with him if he goes through with divorce so you can learn to live without him.
If you still want to fight for him, you should do no contact (or minimal contact with your communications being only about your child). Do it for a couple of months and try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. Any type of positive changes will help in not only getting him back but also getting over him in case you are not able to reconcile.
Hi Kevin,
It has been nearly two months since I last posted. I have tried to implement minimal contact with my husband for three weeks. Our relationship has improved. Today is our wedding anniversary. Initially we are planning to meet up for lunch, but he was sick and unable to make it. On 25th Jan, it will be our formal seperation for two years and he could proceed with divorce if he wants to do it soley. He messaged me "let's have lunch another time. I want to have a good discussion with you." I sweated after I read this message, because my gut feeling told me he wanted to discuss about the divorce arrangement. I would have hoped that he skips this topic and treats as if nothing happenes.
I started to panic and asked him what he wants to discuss. But he doesn't want to talk about it. What should I do? Do you think the message he sent has any implicint meaning behind it?
I can't say. There's a chance that you are right about him wanting to discuss the divorce. If he does, then I'll recommend you go ahead with it. It's been two years since you are separated. If he still wants a divorce, then your chances of getting him back are very slim. You will be better off concentrating on moving on.
thanks for your reply.
i was thinking if he wants to discuss about divorce, i won't discuss it with him. we won't align and that is against my wish. he can proceed with it by himself without the need to discuss it with me.
despite we had seperated for two years, our relationship has been better than before n we come out regularly as if we hace not seperated. to me, marriage is a life long commitment.
do u think our chance of getting back together is slim?
I made a tread meeting guidelines and is not posted.
I would like to know why.
Hey,
Sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can always post your message on the message boards and get response from the community.
This is great, man
I got dumped today, I found this and read it, and I don't even want her back anymore xD
Kevin,
With regards to your response, I understand that continuing to keep in touch won't necessarily help me get him back, but if i stop keeping in touch do you think that will help/ make a difference? Is it more likely to work in my favor if i stop speaking to him again?
Right now keeping in touch is obviously slowing me down from moving but not entirely, I've started looking at dating other people and texting this guy I met recently. However it's not interfering with daily functioning. I don't wait for his texts.
All the same, I'd rather do whatever has a higher chance of him wanting me back. Do you think if i cut contact he will miss me again?
Anjali
I think you have a higher chance of getting him back if you cut contact with him.
Is there any other way I can contact you? I really need advice.
Hey e.p,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your question on the message boards.
How can I post? It doesn't let me register. It say incorrect email. Should I continue trying to post it here hoping it gets approved?
Ok so I need help. I'm really confused.
So my ex boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years and a couple months and we have a 2 year old daughter. We started dating when he was 16 and I was 17 (we're a year & a week apart.) At first when we started dating he was always calling and texting me and I was more of the distant one. After like 3 months of being in our relationship we had an argument over my birthday plans and he broke up with me I realized I actually loved him after I couldn't even enjoy my birthday let alone it was my 18th birthday. I reached out to him and told him I missed him he said he did too and that he wanted to get back.
We got back together and everything was fine. We started getting more serious and we spent everyday and every single minute possible together. We were inseparable until one day little by little things started changing. A month before our 1 year anniversary he broke up with me and said it was better if we broke up. It was out of the blue I had just seen him and even spent the night at his house the whole weekend.
I told him we can talk about it but he said no but then that we can talk when he came back from his trip to Vegas. So he came back and 3 days later we talked in person and we said he didn't love me anymore, I cried and practically begged him to get back and that we can make it work. He didn't take me back and said sorry it didn't work out. I was depressed and started going out a lot it helped me to forget him BUT we have the same friends so we'd run into each other but I'd just ignore him and we'll say hi out of courtesy but didn't try to conversate.
I would text him at night when I was drinking or felt like I needed to tell him how I felt. He would reply sometimes but he would just say no. After being broken up for 2 months I texted him one night and asked if we had any chance on getting back. He said no that we would never get back. I said ok and that I would leave him alone. I did but I was hurt. I still continued seeing him at parties and 2 times he took 2 different girls with him to the parties.
By this time he was 18 and I was 19 years old. We has been broken up for 5 months already almost 6 months and one night at a party we started talking we were drinking and next thing you know we're kissing and bam we're back together. He kept saying he never stopped loving me and that he missed me so much that he's never missed a girl so much like he's missed me. That he never wanted to let me go again etc.
We were good for a month but then he started accusing me of hooking up with his friends when we were broken up. I would hang out with his friends but because we had mutual friends I told him I didn't and it was a huge thing. We would break up for like an hour and then get back. We were like this for like 5 months then we found I was pregnant.
This changed everything and we decided to leave the past behind. I never told him anything about the girls he would bring around when we weren't together so we felt it was best to move forward. Then one day I happen to go through his facebook (we were ok with us going in each others phones but I know not healthy) I wasn't expecting to find anything I trusted him but i don't know why I still looked. I found him messaging girls saying they were the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. He denied having a gf (I was 6 months pregnant when I saw all this) we lived together so for him to deny me was tough. I would go work and god knows what he was doing.
I confronted him about it he owned up to it and apologized said he was stupid and that didn't mean it etc. I forgave him and we worked it out and moved past that. By this time I was 20 and he was 19 now. I had our daughter in Jan.2013 and everything was going great. We were happy and no more sneaky things but then I starteD feeling insecure about how I looked. I had stretchmarks and had gained weight. I would accuse him of wanting other girls and then we started arguing. I started to become a bit bitter and I wasn't happy with myself.
Months pasted and we kept trying to make it work I then turned 21 and him 20. 2014 has been our worst year ever. After our daughter turned one like 4 months after he started going out to parties with his friends and wouldn't even invite me anymore. I started to feel left out and I wanted to come along but if I'd mention to tag along he'd get mad and sometimes he'd prefer to stay in than to take me. One day again I saw his facebook and text messages. He was doing his sneaky things again and started talking to girls and flirting.
I confronted him again and we broke up for like 3 days. we got back and decided to keep trying. It was until like July that things started getting weird. I felt him distant and I can just feel him staying away. I had asked him about going out with him that night but he got mad and then left to work. I texted him saying it wasn't a big deal I'm his gf. He then replied saying he wasn't attracted to me anymore. That he didn't want me. I moved out and he then went looking for me and we talked up front and said everything we didn't like about each other.
He told me he didn't want to be with me because of my weight and that I had let myself go (which I had) I told him I'd work on that but he had to stop talking to girls. He said he'd stop. He didn't actually start to drastically change until he started his new job in august. He started to become more irresponsible. He started drinking everyday, going out and sometimes wouldn't even come home. My aunt's bf had got him the job so he was always with him. I told him he was changing but he wouldn't listen. We got even worst in October he started hanging out with girls and would lie about when he went to work.
I caught him so many times but he kept saying he was sorry that he loved me and he didn't know why he did that. Like 2 weeks before the official break up(Nov.12) he told me he loved me, that he never wanted lose to me, that he realized I was the only person who would ever be there for him. That we just needed to work on our relationship. We tried but he kept lying and hanging out with girls. I broke up with him but again like always we got back together. Then the day before my 22 birthday he broke up with me. I didn't take it that bad because we always break up and get back.
Then 4 days later I get a call from my friend that my ex was in jail for a dui(3 days before turning 21) that he had told them to call me. I came up with the money to bail him out and was on my way to visit him but then he called me and somehow he had bailed himself out. Also forgot to mention I had moved back in. Anyways I thought maybe after this we'd be ok again but I was wrong. He stayed with a friend for a couple days and he then texted me that we couldn't be together because we just couldn't get along.
I told him we couldn't get along because of what he did. I begged him to try it out but he kept saying no that he didn't love me anymore and that he wasn't attracted to me that he was attracted to someone else. What was confusing was that he kept texting me when he felt down or just to talk like advice but then he would stop replying and wouldn't answer me. I then decided to talk to him and see if we can work on it he said no. I decided to stay maybe like that he would take me back.
on Dec.12 I found out he's in a relationship with some girl I know. But they must have started to date like a week after we broke up. I confronted him and he said when he was locked up he wasn't talking to her yet. So I don't understand when they did. He then said she was helping him alot and that he'd helped her a lot as well(she did/does meth). I got angry because all I've ever done was help him and support him in everything.
He said she was giving him gas money and that she took him food that she was a grown woman. I'm 22 and he's 21 now. I told him I was looking for a job but that he was the one that would tell me not to work and focus on our daughter so for him to throw that in my face. Anyways I left for a week & stayed at my mom's but didn't take everything from his house. He begged me to go back saying that our daughter needed us to be together (not as a couple just living together ) I told him no. That I wasn't happy and that he was in a relationship and I wouldn't be a part of that.
He said he would stop working there but i don't know if that's suppose to make me feel better but it didnt. The thing is he is still with her. He met her through the job so if he leaves the job he leaves her behind but he would go visit her I'm sure. I want him back I do and I started regaining confidence. I've lost a lot of weight almost back to my old self before my daughter but I'm doing this for me. I'm looking for a job and trying to move forward for myself and daughter but the thing is I still love him.
I went back for Christmas & ended up staying a week but during that week I decided to write him a letter saying that I agreed with the break up that we both needed to work on ourselves & that maybe one day we can get back. On new years eve I ended up packing everything & moved out. I didn't want to start the year in all that.
Everyone in his family and even a couple of his close friends say that he's gonna regret it when he sees I'm doing well and that I have my life together. They also say they're sure the relationship won't last but I don't what to think that. I love him and as crazy I may seem I really do think he's the one. We had been great before this new job well good but we were always down to work on it but after this new job he changed a lot and his family thinks the same.
I don't know if maybe it's because now that he turned 21 he feels free because a lot of guys I know say that they felt free at 21 and all they wanted to do was be single and mess around. Although he's with this girl one of his friends told me that he was talking to another girl too so he's not even being faithful to this one girl. I know I may seem stupid for wanting him but I honestly feel he can change.
His family notice that our relationship was different than any other relationships he had been in. I honestly know he was in love with me I would feel it and he would show it and I still feel like he does but he's just confused and doesn't want to commit now. I did tell him though that I was done begging him and if that's what he was expecting then to not hold his breath because I was done begging. I told him I want you but I don't need you. I can live without you. I love you but I'm done begging.
Also his cousin told me on Christmas that he told her he was done with that girl but I found out just recently that he's still hanging out with her. Is it really a rebound or is it more serious? We've been broken up for 2 months now. I am focusing on myself I just need help and to see if I even have a chance or is he really done with me. I love him so much and I want my family back together. I know we took each other for granted. Sorry for this being so long.
Hey e.p
I really feel for you, it's gut wrenching when you love someone dearly but they just don't seem to care. All I want is my family back but it just feels like it's never going to happen. I love and miss my ex and baby girl terribly but I can't even speak to her via text without her spitting venom at me. It's a helpless feeling. I hope it works out for you.
All the best , Don.
Yes it is. I hate that feeling. We only text based on our daughter. I don't tell him anything about us anymore. But you do feel helpless cause all you want is them. I'm sorry I hope your ex can stop doing that and just let you enjoy your daughter at least for her sake. I will never talk bad about her father even after all the bad he's done to me. She will be the one to choose the image of her father based on his actions towards her. Thank you I really hope it works out for you too. Best wishes.
Hey,
You did good by telling him that you don't need him. And it's great that you are getting your life together. However, I think you are lying to yourself if you think your relationship was good before the job. He has been unfaithful for a very long time and you have given him enough chances. There's a pretty good chance he will want you back. But I will not recommend you to take him back. I can almost guarantee that he will go back to his old ways once you are back together. Do no contact and cut him off from your life for a year. You will realize that you are much better off without him and you will agree with me in not taking him back. Stop trying to change him. He won't.
Yes it's true. We were bad even before the job only reason I say that was because he was always willing to work on it but yeah you're right. I don't have him on any social media. I don't call him at all only text but only based on our daughter. He always replies to me and right away but 2 days ago I texted him asking him something about our daughter's birthday which is next week and he never replied which I found odd. I don't want to believe the girl is influencing him to not talk to me. She knows who I am and that he has a kid. Since I moved out I've only seen him once and that was when he was dropping off our daughter. We said hi and bye, we were civil. We didn't argue or anything. I guess I need to ignore my heart and just not take him back even if we have a chance. Thank you
Hello Kevin
I don't know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she's only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend's house, since I moved back in with my mom. She's my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I've been wanting him to act like for months. He's not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren't all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he'd ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I'm better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I'm ok now if it doesn't happen. I don't know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I'm open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he's doing. I know he's most likely still talking to that one girl but I'm ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn't happen I'm ok with moving on. Thank you so much.
That's great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there's a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.
Hi Kevin,
This is my third time posting. To give you context I was dating a investment banker from Uni for about 2.5 years till he started working/ got very busy and put in nothing into the relationship till about a year ( of long distance). At uni, things were great for the most part with some ups and down.
I broke up with him in September and he didn't stop me. I emailed him the day after about " keeping the door open" and he never responded. I never contacted him again. 2 months passed and he asked to talk to tell me"he wasn't ready for a relationship now" but did love me and was having a tough time moving on. We texted a bit till conversation ended. No conversation for about 3 weeks. I initiated right around christmas/ new years and have ben exchanging texts ever 2-3 days. He responded to everything but I feel like I always end up being the one who ends up " continuing" conversation and changing the topic.I've been waiting for it to end on a note that forces him to initiate but it hasn't happened.
Not sure what to do. Conversation has been pretty light-hearted/ not relationship related/ nothing deep either. What do you think? I still want him/ love him and I'm not sure if I should let this continue or he needs to feel my absence entirely again? maybe he's comforted that we've been texting (it certainly comforts me). But I'm worried he'll forget about me if we stop texting entirely because right now we both know that we still have feelings for each other and it probably keeps it on our minds ( even if there's no way we're getting back together any time now). He seems pretty set on career focus right now and even told me when he contacted me he def wasn't ready and he didn't mean anything by what he said but just wanted to tell me how he felt ( but i do think he also did it because he loved me and doesn't entirely want me to move on either even if he didn't say so).
Should i keep it how it is/ keep in touch or go silent again?
You are right about him not wanting you to move on. I don't think staying in touch with him is going to increase your chances of getting him back (whenever he is ready for a relationship). In my opinion, he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship. You are both providing each other little comfort by talking to each other, but it's not going to help you get him back neither is it going to help you move on. If you go silent, you can concentrate on moving on. If he wants you back, he will contact you again.
I've tried moving on, it's been a year since my ex and I had started to fall apart and it's always been tough. But I guess it's been more like 6 or 7 months that we've /really/ been apart. Even when we go through periods of no contact, I sometimes actually feel worse not talking to him. Granted, our no contact periods have only ever been a month at a time, give or take a couple weeks.
I talked to the guy I'm seeing about all of this last night- how I feel about him and I and how I feel about my ex, and we had a great talk. I decided I want to move on but I don't know how. I've tried things suggested on this page: NC, seeing my friends, keeping busy at school and work, seeing other people, and I don't think I've made much progress at all. Today I feel great and I feel closer than ever to the guy I'm seeing, but it pains me to the point of tears to think about how hopeless I feel about how to actually move on. I'd like to focus on how to move on for the sake of this new guy because I actually really do like him and want to be with him despite the things I said in my last post. But also for my own peace of mind.
When you say cut my ex off "for good" do you mean forever or indefinitely? I actually believe exes can be friends and someday when I can handle it, I want to be his friend again. He's the closest friend I've ever had. I actually had an ex from over 2 years ago come back to me recently. I think he was trying to get me back at first but now we are just friends and even hang out in groups and we text most days. As far as the one I'm not over, I would really like to try again with him someday if this new guy and I didn't work out. In your experience, do you often see guys come back after such long periods of time like 2 years?
It happens a lot. And yes, I mean indefinitely. Don't reply to his messages or calls until you are absolutely sure you are over him. You obviously can't be friends with him right now. If in the future, you feel you are ready for friendship, then go ahead and get back in touch with him. But until then, you are better off not contacting him.
Hey Kevin,
It's been a long time since I've commented on this site. My first post was back in May 29th 2014 and the end of the thread is on June 3rd (in case you need reference).
I had been doing well, a couple weeks after our conversation I went to a 5 day concert event with a good male friend of mine from high school who I had started to grow close to a couple months prior. We had a moment and spontaneously kissed, and the next day we talked and decided to try seeing eachother, although we were both not past our old relationships yet.
All this time later I am still seeing him, but I don't feel much of anything beyond friendship for this guy. He is as sweet as they come but I don't think he's responsible. He doesn't keep his word, seems to always screw things up, and he doesn't have much going on in his life other than dating me. He's blown off his friends to see me and he doesn't seem like he has an opinion of his own- he's always just agreeing with whatever I say and telling me what I want to hear. He is a good friend but I am dissatisfied in the relationship.
Rewinding to after I got back from the concert trip, I had started taking a long time to reply to my ex's texts or flat out not replying and he reacted to it by sending other texts like "are you there?" and "can you just tell me if you're alright?" but I never told him why I wasn't replying because he didn't ask. And I know he hates conflict so I didn't want to be the one initiating it by telling him things without his asking. He kept reaching out for a while there, after either a couple days or a couple weeks he would always text me "hey how are you?" I would always stop replying every time he said did something I didn't like, such as trash talk his friends. Eventually we ended up going a month at a time (give or take) without speaking, and he'd still always reach out. He even broke a month of no contact to text me happy birthday in October, and even got the day right! He never remembers anyone else's birthdays. We stayed in touch for a few weeks or so until he stopped replying to me, and the times he did reply in this period, he always took many hours or even a day or 2 sometimes.
Any time he and I spoke after the trip, we never talked about the idea of "us" or even hung out. It was all catching up but not really all small talk, for instance he mentioned going to the college I just started at. We hung out once with another mutual friend on the 4th of July when I convinced him to come along after he turned down the invitation from our friend. Since then I have not seen him.
This time I reached out to him 5 days ago because I've felt a crippling depression coming on and wanted him to be in my life again. He is replying to me and is once again taking a long time to do so. I don't know if he is just busy as he always has been, is playing games, or is just hesitant to talk to me. I find myself reading posts on sites like these, reading old texts from him dating back years ago, and missing him every day and it hurts me.
What do you gather from this? Do you think there's a chance he'd ever come back, and what do you think would increase my odds?
Haley,
Since it's been more than six months, I'll recommend you consider cutting him off completely and try to move on. There might still be a chance but I don't recommend spending so much time emotionally invested in someone else. If you still want to give it one last shot then you might want to become a little aggressive in your approach. Ask him to hang out with you. If things don't move forward in the next month, you should definitely cut him off for good.
Hi, im curious about the no contact rule when you have a kid involved? How do you go about that?
I talk about it here.
This is a bunch of BS,I would never try to get my ex back and change my life completely for anybody to see me in a different light. You can't make nobody want you,nor should anybody fell the need to do so. Move on with your life and meet someone who is crazy about you. Besides I rather be alone then with an ex who stayed with you out of pitty...
I understand where you are coming from. A lot of people feel this way about their ex. And I agree with your last sentence. However, notice I am not recommending them to change just for the sake of getting their ex. But to become a better person for themselves. I state many times on this website that no contact period is for you and not your ex.
Hey Kevin,
Hardcharger here with an update. Last time you recommended a month of no contact and I followed through with that and we had a run-in downtown with friends getting drinks. We talked warmly for about 45 minutes hugging and having a conversation. It was amazing! The following 4 or 5 days we exchanged texts here and there, but I don't feel very much warmth in the texts. Didn't text her for almost a week and then today we were texting for a little while. I haven't suggested anything like hanging out or doing anything. I feel as though we are at a stalemate. I find she is very difficult to read and I don't feel warmth in her texts. I do not know what the next move is.
Thanks Kevin!
I think you should ask her to hangout. If she says no, you can back off for a couple of weeks. You gotta try to move forward.
That is what I have been thinking about, and I have a plan. How about valentines day I send anonymous flowers and when confronted about them I will deny my knowledge of them, but she will know that it was me. Then ask to hang out the next day, not a date as you said not to do, but to hang out. If I am denied to hang out, what is next? Even if I am not denied but she has plans or something, what are my options?
I won't recommend Valentines Day flowers. It'll make it quite obvious that you want her back. You don't want that just yet. You don't want to give her a reason to put up her defenses. If you are denied, wait for a couple of weeks and start texting again.
What should I do if our anniversary is around the 30 day mark and I haven't contacted them yet? Should I send the text on our anniversary?
I'll recommend you extend no contact to 45 days in this case.
Hi Kevin,
I'm back with an update! I'm the 'deaths door' girl. I finished nc and my initiated contact with my ex which included asking if we could catch up. He seemed reluclant at first but he ended up on choosing the time and place. We went fishing at the river in our town. We just chatted as is if we were picking up from where we left off when we were in our good times. We talked about what we had been up to, how our holidays were and how our families are. He even then came and looked over my car where someone had hit it over the holidays. I mentioned it to him but wasn't overly concerned.
We stayed talking for just under an hour and it started raining so we both left.
Two days later I was packing up my house and found something of his. I txt and asked if he wanted me to drop it off. He said 'no, it's ok, wait until next time we catch up.' I don't know if that is a good sign or a bad sign. I did txt him late afternoon the day after we caught up and said I enjoyed myself and it was good to hear how his family is and that he looked refreshed. He replied telling me what he had been doing for the day and I left it at that. When we were talking I got the impression he was kind of checking me out, I've been doing boot camp since we broke up and am in good shape and noticed he was looking at my waist a lot.
What is your opinion on how this all went? The best thing for me is that I still love him but it doesn't hurt anymore if you know what I mean?
KellieAlexis
Hey,
I think it went great. And it's definitely a good sign that he is expecting to meet again. Keep it up and don't do anything needy or desperate.
Hi Kevin
Well we caught up again last night. This time he came to my house. It was much like last time, chatting and enjoying each other's company.
It came about as we had been texting during the day. Initially I initiated it, but later in the evening, he did. He asked me if I had been on any dates and at first I didn't answer, I just asked him 'why, had he?' He said no and I told him that I had (because I have). He told me that he isnt very social anymore and that he reckons the women here are all fake. I asked him if that included me and he said no, that he thinks I'm normal. He then started opening up a bit saying that I should find someone without baggage, and crap who will end up disappointing me. I told him that we all have baggage, and baggage is ok, and that I've been working on mine. I told him that for the record he had never dissapointed me if that was what he was getting at. He said he wasn't but I don't know why else he would say that.
Anyway we joked around a bit and then I told him if he felt like being a bit social I could come and hang out and help him work on his car for a while if he wanted. He said the work that he was doing I couldn't help with so suggesting stopping by my place afterwards. I wasn't holding my breath for him to, but he did and we stayed up talking for nearly 3 hours. It actually reminded me of when we first met and were getting to know each other. I messaged him this morning and said it great catching up, of course I talked way too much but nothin has changed and to enjoy what he had planned for the day. He replied 8hrs later and said just said thanks.
My gut feeling is that he still cares a lot about me, and having a good time has freaked him out.
What do you think?
You are probably right. Don't push him. Give him some time and space to deal with his feelings.
Hi Kevin
It's been just over 2 weeks and he's pretty much completely ignored me since our catch up. I'm starting to think it's just that he's not into me. What do you make of this behaviour?
You may be right. You can try contacting him again if you haven't done so till now. If you have been contacting him and he still has been cold, then you should definitely consider moving on at this point.
Hi again Kevin thank you for the replies,
He didn't answer to my message and he saw it, people are telling me that I have to "wait" (more like to completely move one and who knows) till he makes a move if he ever makes one, because he was the one to break things off.
I'm confused because he sent me a message for my birthday, we had a quick chat still last time (that went pretty smooth) and now, no answer, nothing please, what could be the reasons?
I really want to reestablish contact, show him the new me... Do you think I have to wait till he contacts me? Or send him something in a few weeks? I know that planning a journey to see him is risky but how long is this gonna take, its already been 4 month, I'm feeling in between all the time..
Thanks !
Hey Helen,
I can't say how long it'll take. It could be a few weeks or maybe a few months. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. I usually advice people to set a time limit for themselves. How long are you willing to wait for him? 6 months or a year. If your ex is still cold after that time limit, then you should consider moving on.
Hey Kevin, I was with him again in the same room with two of our friends and things got pretty heated and turned into us talking about our relationship.
Basically he said I had too many problems for him to deal with,
And all his friends think I'm crazy because I cried a lot while we were dating due to me having depression during the time.
He brought up how I complained about his mom too much.
I told him that that has all long passed and I have actually changed and don't have any of those problems.
To which he responded that it didn't matter because its still me, and he just doesn't want to do that again and just "no" to the whole thing and the idea of it.
I know his girlfriend and her family who hates me have had influence on him viewing me so negatively.
Regardless it was a very tense situation in which whatever I said or whatever solutions I provided he instantly shut them down, I don't understand why, and refused to even look at it.
I left the room and one of my friends ended up getting in my exes face about how cold and hostile he was being. My ex started tearing up and getting frustrated and left to his car in the same state but did pull me outside alone to hug me before getting into his car visibly trying not to tear up again and then driving away.
His recent actions and reactions have been more confusing and negative and I don't understand why or what to do.
It sounds like he is still remembering too much of the bad. Do not push onto him how these things aren't issues anymore, he should see that rather than hear it. His current gf sounds pretty insecure if she has to put you down to make herself more appealing, think about that for a second. That sort of negativity eventually kills a relationship.
Hey Aly,
You shouldn't have tried to convince him. It would have been a better idea to tell him you don't want to get back together with him. You just told him you are still in love with him and are still waiting for him even if he is with someone else. This incident just gave his ego a boost. And it made him lose a little bit of respect for you.
It's a good idea to talk about solutions to the problems in the relationship, but only when both of you are thinking about getting back together. In your situation, he clearly didn't want to get back together. And by providing solutions, you were pushing him. And that's why he started to pull away. Instead, if you agreed with him, he would've started wondering that you really have changed.
Thank you,
He slowly becoming more hostile saying he wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea of how to respond to this.
That's OK. Agree with him and do your own thing. Next time you are in a situation where you two end up talking to each other, do not let him know that you want to get back together.
Hey Kevin, in the past week there have been a lot of developments. First off, I found out I was a few weeks pregnant, I made sure it was certain at first and then told him within three days. Initially he took it negatively, pushing for an abortion and being heartless about it, but as the reality of things set in, he has agreed to be supportive. We have already visited Planned Parenthood twice and plan to visit again, he is still wanting an abortion which is understandable. He refuses to tell his girlfriend about any of this. (They are about 6 weeks in right now.) And refuses to tell his family, so whatever the outcome we would have to pay for it together and discreetly as he puts it.
I believe the right thing to do would be to tell his girlfriend, however I know its not my place since I am not the one dating her. He's been keeping each time he speaks with me, sees me, goes to Planned Parenthood, etc. a secret from her and I found out he sees her pretty rarely sometimes.
It seems like he is gradually viewing our relationship in more and more of a negative light, talking about how crazy I was, how "done" he was with me, how he will never go back because of how our relationship was, recalling nothing good. I don't know why because I have done nothing but improve, getting a new job, reestablishing myself in my studies, and so on. One of our mutual friends told him that I felt uncomfortable about his girlfriend and him. I also found myself at a party with them alone in which he left her twice to discuss the pregnancy with me and spent very little time around her and that which he did was mainly spent just sitting next to her. She's far younger than both of us and the age of his youngest sister so it was very odd seeing her at this party with all our friends.
I am lost on what to do, how to act, why he's viewing us so negatively, and so on. He seems frozen on "I just won't go back to us".
He is trying to justify his decisions by calling you crazy. Let him. Don't react to it. And even at this point, don't push him to get back together. Let it be his decision. Tell him you are not expecting to get back with him. Better yet, tell him you are not interested in getting him back. And keep doing your thing. He will eventually come around.
hi Kevin ..
I'm kind of freaking out here ..
he's going to ask her to be het GF today :( ..
and I blocked him .. and said to him that I still have feelings for him and it's hard for me to see him with someone else .. so he said it's ur problem not mine .. and he was kind of angery when he talked to me .. evrn that he started the conversation ..
the thing is .. it's not making sense .. a week ago he told me he loves me .. he has no one in his life .. and we'll spend valentines day together. . and now he's asking a girl he met a month ago out after our fight???
can you plz help me to figure what's going on?
the problem is .. his friends likes her! .. ALOT!!!!
and hate me too :(
so .. now I blocked him .. cut contact with him .. already have a date next week .. what do you think I should do?
Hey Mema,
If he really loved you, he wouldn't be asking the other girl out. He wanted to keep you around because he was alone or as a backup. Which is the reason I was telling you to do NC.
There's a chance that he will realize he loves you and misses you and want to come back. DO NOT accept him back in your life immediately. Let him prove that he is ready to commit. Then and only then be in talking terms with him.
There's also a chance he will make that girl his girlfriend and start a relationship. In that case, the relationship might end like a rebound (likely) or last for a long time (unlikely). In either case, you should continue no contact and concentrate on moving on. You have wasted enough time on him and you should really learn to be happy in your life without him. If he really loves you, he will come back. But IMO, you shouldn't wait for him or let him string you along anymore.
thanx Kevin ..
but can you give me an exact percentage of my chances in getting him back now?
after acting like a couple .. saying I love you .. and now he's dating someone new out of !
and one more thing .. he blocked me after I blocked him .. him even blocked me on Facebook "I unfriended him .. and then he blocked me" ..
and should I contact him now and tell him that I acted stupid and I ended things the wrong way and that I don't want us to end up blocking each other again.. and that I'll take time to myself and when If I feel I can be friends with him again I'll contact him??
or what??
one more thing .. I did the most stupid and humiliating thing in the world .. I sent that girl a message on FB .. telling her that I was his gf .. and even though we break up .. we could not move on .. and told her how he acted when he was in my city .. but .. at last .. I told her to have a happy life with him .. and I wish them all the best .. and I wish that I was died before I hit the send button :(
and p.s : he blocked me at 4 p.m .. she saw that message at 3:45 pm
and he didn't change his whatsapp status .. it's still our song with the "honey imoji" which refers to me !
What do you think?
Don't contact him. I can't give a percentage but your chances are less. I'll recommend you keep him blocked and start to move on with your life. There's a good chance he will contact you again. But it doesn't mean he wants to get back together. It just means he is craving the security that you provide him (a backup) and he doesn't want to lose that. If he contacts you, tell him you need space and time and you can't talk to him unless he wants to commit.
Thanx Kevin .. bit should I wait for him?
is there really any chance left for us?
and I'm really hurt now .. I feel like he was playing with my emotions .. and he wasn't honest with me :(
and is this girl a rebound or he's serious about her??
he said that I hurt him alot .. and he used to cry because of me .. I was the only person who made him cry :( ..
he's hurt too ..
but idk what to believe .. what he said when he was with me .. or that this girl is someone real in his life .. and he actually loves her!
what do you think?
You do have a chance still. But like I said before it's very slim. Whether or not you should wait for him is for you to decide.
The girl is probably a rebound. There's a slight chance it might turn into something serious but most probably it won't.
Me & my ex have been broken up for about 4 months already, a week after we broke up he was trying to get back together with me but he was already staring something up with another girl who had tried breaking us up before. Anyways long story short a couple weeks later they start dating & they've been in a relationship ever since. But the weird thing is my ex is constantly messaging me about getting some stuff I still have of his, but he never comes, I don't understand why he bothers me so much about it ? I've tried countless times to get over him already but it still hasn't worked so I'm just going with the flow. I followed your steps to get over him but not to get him back because I don't feel I'm ready yet, I'm just waiting to see what happens & if it's meant to be then we'll be. I've worked on myself & just focused on myself. I still miss him very much & it still hurts that he moved on so quickly but I just don't understand why he constantly bothers me & tries rubbing his new relationship in my face so much. Why do you think he does this ? At first I thought that it was just a rebound relationship but it's been 3 months so I figured that's not it, especially because they seem to be going pretty strong still
3 months is pretty short still. Rebounds will sometimes last a year, that's the tipping point. It will either get really serious after that, or they will drift apart.
If he is rubbing the new relationship into your face, he may be overcompensating to make you jealous and confirm his doubts about the new relationship.
Hey,
Some rebounds last much longer than others. It's possible that it's a rebound. He is still showing the signs of a rebound.
My ex messaged me the other day like I said & he's supposed to come over tomorrow to get his hat, which I don't understand why he acts like he needs it so badly if it doesn't even fit him anymore. Anyways, yesterday I saw that he finally changed his status to in a relationship with the girl he's been with & today I found out she might be pregnant ... I still love him so much & this just crushed me. I still don't understand why he bothers me so much & rubs it in my face if he seems to be so committed to her already ... I miss him & idk what to do ... there's no way I could ever get him back :((
I think the best thing to do right now is ignore all his messages. I'll also recommend you block him after tomorrow. If he doesn't come, give his stuff to a friend or send it to him via mail. Tell him about it and then block him. Yes, chances of getting him back are very slim. From now on, your priority should be to get over him completely and the best way to do that is to completely cut him off. I know you miss him and want him back, but at this point, I don't think it'll be worth the effort, the pain and the unnecessary drama you will have to go through for a very small of chance of getting him back. It'll be a lot easier to just cut him off move on.
I saw him today when he finally went to get his hat, I tried making it as quick as possible but it seemed like he wanted to talk because he sort of hesitated to leave after & said "thanks" & just kept staring at me. I guess his girlfriend being pregnant is just a rumor & if it is & I still want him back & she is still a rebound, how exactly would be the best way to get him back ? Do I just continue to act like I don't care & focus on myself & wait for him to come to me or do I approach him ?
He also tried really hard to look especially handsome today, I think he did this to try to impress me or make me miss him in some sort of way. I just kind of need some advice on the whole situation, I think the best thing to do is just wait it out & hope he comes back but I'm not sure if he misses me or wants me back. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding everything & taking it the wrong way & maybe he doesn't miss me. But in a way he makes it so obvious also that he's trying to make me jealous still & that he still misses me because it's a big coincidence that he decided to message me on the 4 month anniversary of our break up & every month since on that day he messages me. I feel like he's now trying to make him relationship private on Facebook because that's the only social network I have him on still & maybe that's why he changed his status to "in a relationship" now. Please give me the best advice, I don't wanna ruin any chances I may have
I meant to say that I think he's making his relationship public on Facebook because that's the last social network I have him on, not private, sorry lol
I agree with Australia. You should do NC for a while. He will try to contact you. In which case, do as I said in the last comment. It's not going to ruin your chances.
Clarissa, it sounds like he may still be interested, but that may also be your skewed view. Maybe he is just trying to show off how awesome he is doing (whether or not that is true). I would focus on yourself for now.If you work on yourself and sees how awesome you are, if he still has feelings for you, then he will gladly accept becoming friends and hanging out. This however won't be possible until you go NC for a while. You need to let him chase!
Thank you Kevin for your email...
I've taken a holiday and I am meeting my ex, actually he's picking me up from the airport and i'll be seeing him for the first time as friends! But I'm not waiting on anyone anymore... Confused/ emotionally unstable/ child-mind like men out of my life! I'm high value and willing to wait to meet my match :)
Thank you for being inspirational and supportive. See you on the boards if you're ever there... All my love xx
Have a great holiday Rihanna. Thank you for being a part of my journey in developing this website. :)
I hope one day I can get to where you are.
I need some advice, because I am at a loss for what to do now. I will say this may get unorganized, there are many things going through my mind and I need to type them all out
My ex and I own a house together. I am releasing it to her. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. We bought it together and I thought we would start building our family in it together. On Wednesday we go to the notary to sign the declaration, and then we'll have all the forms ready to submit for the 20th. I need to know what I should do on Wednesday. I need someone to tel me how to act, because all I want to do right now is confront her.
We broke up in August. There was a lot of pleading from my side. I lost my mind, found this site, found new energy, but she started seeing someone during NC. Technically kind of before it even started. I didn't find this out until after NC and the letter. The reason this is so hard for me is because she told me she didn't want to be with anyone and that was a major reason she was breaking up with me, she didn't love herself, needed to work on herself, and until that was done, how could she love anyone else. For a year we had been talking about our future together, our schooling, career paths, kids. She started dating less than three months after and of course it made me feel sick to my stomach. We have a lot of common friends, so through some conversation, I have found out some things that made me feel even worse.
Is it a rebound? It's hard to say. We are on friendly terms, but not quite as friendly as I would like to be. She knew him while we were dating and that just makes it worse to me. She doesn't want to talk about their relationship, but all I want to do is press her for answers. Why did she break up with me for those reasons if she just turns around and starts dating someone else? I know many of her friends told her that dumping me wasn't her best idea. I know he says "I love you" to her, I assume she reciprocates. She is the most stubborn person I know. I am going through a hard time right now because we would have been on a trip right now and I was planing to propose on the 7th. This coincides with the meeting at the notary.
How should I act? I really want to tell her about the trip and the proposal, but I feel that it is a terrible idea. I'm pretty certain that I am going to break down and cry, because I am tearing up just writing this. I don't want to move on, this girl has everything I want. Maybe I am just jealous of her new found happiness, but I am definitely mad because I know what he is getting from her on Valentine's Day. Boudoir photos, I know this through mutual friends, just like I know that he gives her money to support her. Last year at that time we were pretty broke having just bought a house. Maybe the house and finances put undo stress on our relationship. I just want to know why she chose to lie to me on the breakup, give up and throw away everything we had together. I need to know and I don't think I will ever be able to reconcile without knowing. The person that he is for her, I would have been and much more.
Please tell me how I should approach this. Do I try to talk to her and get my resolution or do I leave it be in hopes that we will eventually find each other again?
Of course I am mad at her relationship, but I know that I cannot actively attack it without cementing it more in her mind and that makes me even more sick.
To add to this, I am at a point where I don't want to sign over the property to her, because I feel like I will be giving up the last part of our relationship. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. I don't know, but it makes me sad beyond my own comprehension.
I'm starting to think that maybe I should ask her what I could have done better in the relationship, instead of directly referencing the break up, she would be able to tell me the real reasons. I am worried however that she will say nothing and then I will be forced to finger point at her current actions.
HI Australia! I'm from down under too... Hi 5! hehe... so sorry for your hurt, it really sucks being here but on the plus side I'm sooooo glad I met this site and made friends... I may even be meeting up with someone I met here ;) ... All the best on your journey, hope you get what you deserve though it may not be what you want... Go Aussie!
Hey Australia,
I think you are expecting some kind of closure with this confrontation. But I highly doubt any answer from her is going to satisfy you. If anything, it's going to confuse you even more. If you want to keep the property for financial reasons, you shouldn't sign it off to her. But if you just want to keep it some kind of link to her, then you'll be better of letting it go. Along with her. I doubt you will get any satisfactory answer by confronting her, neither do I think it'll help you get her back. But if you break down and end up confronting her, it's OK. Don't be hard on yourself if you end up doing it. You are under a lot of emotional stress. And it's OK to break down sometimes. Go in with the mindset of keeping your cool and acting casual. But if things don't go as planned, don't fret. I will recommend that if you do decide to confront her, you do it in a calm and levelheaded manner, without acting needy or desperate.
Hi Kevin, thank you for the response, it does make me feel a lot better hearing back from another person's perspective.
I know she is coming to pick me up and then we will hang out a bit before going to the notary in which time I will try and not say anything and just show her YNAB. I have no interest in the property, I just felt like signing it over would create a sort of finality in our relationship and maybe that is for the best. A clean break so I can go back to another NC period.
So we were at the lawyer today and if all goes well, that means we will only have to meet once more. I did break down a little bit and talk to her a bit. I didn't leave it on a good note. So I compensated a bit with a message, asking if in a few months we could maybe sit down and talk, if I still wanted to.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to get her back. I was too much of a shit after our breakup and it fills me with regret, but I am also starting to think that she cheated on me emotionally towards the end of our relationship.
I don't know what to think anymore. I'm going to go see a therapist during this new no contact period that I am making as long as I need until I wake up one day without expecting her to be next to me.
Good luck Australia. It's great that you are coming in terms with the breakup. Someday, you will look back and be glad that you went through this pain because you will be stronger and happier than ever.
I hope so, because right now I am not capable of trusting anyone like that again.
Hey Kevin,
my ex text me saying she miss talking to me and can't stop thinking how I'm doing, am I studying, am I going out with friends etc. I think she's worried. What should I do, is this the desired effect of NC or it's a more complex situation? What if she keeps worrying about me, and never forget the negative things and how needy I was, during the whole NC period?? Thanks!
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.
It's normal. Don't answer the texts. If she keeps texting (continuously for 2-3 days), tell her you need some space and time right now and you can't talk to her.
Hi kevin, I've been posting my comment. However it says pending approval? Any way I can get help with my question? Not sure why it's not being posted. It clearly meets the requirement.
Thanks.
Hey Katy,
The comments here are heavily moderated. I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions in the message boards.
Hello Kevin, are the boards heavily monitored as well? Because I've posted there too and I keep getting the same error message, "Awaiting Moderation"
Any help here?
No, they are not. Just the first time someone posts on the boards, it needs to be manually approved. After that, you are free to post any time you want. This is to keep out spammers. Your post is approved now and you are free to post as much as you want.
Can this system work if you are still living with your ex?
It's harder. I write about it in this article.
Hi Kevin, all the best for 2015!
Its been 3,5 weeks since the bday message and since he didn't reply to my reply, I have a urge to contact him since yesterda but I'm terrified about messing it up, or doing it too early. (back in November he said he would need 2 to 3 month to be able to approach me and to move over the breakup)
Regarding the checklist, I'm all good, I have kind of a new interested in a new guy and I am generally moving on from my ex (no more obsessing, peaceful mind set most of the time, accepted the fact that I might never get him back and that its ok because of all the possibilities in life) , but since yesterday I really want to contact him..
But it literally freaks me out to do so when I think about doing it, does this mean I'm not ready? How long do I have to wait I mean maybe I'll always be freaked out about contacting him..
Thanks Kevin!! x
Ok so I talked to him and it went well, he replied immediately had a quick chat for 15 mins I stopped the conversation saying I had to go out. whats next? he just seemed happy that I was going well, asked if everything was going ok and just wished me to have fun
I made it
We live in different town, do I have to message him again in a few weeks, im so confused about what to do know!
You can text him again after 3-4 days.
Thank you for your reply, I'll follow your advice!
But how can I make him initiate contact eventually? I mean he will probably respond to my other message but then what ;( it would be bad if I always initiate them!
What is the next level?
Thank you so much xx
That's why you should wait 3-4 days after texting him. You are giving him an opportunity to initiate contact. If he doesn't, next time give him more time. A week or two.
Hi Kevin,
I did what you said and send him a short message related to a news fact, yesterday. It's over facebook and still it doesn't show as "seen at"" but I can see that he has been active on facebook.
If he doesn't answer I'm gonna wait at least 3 weeks before messaging him again, but last chat we had he replied fast and we had a nice quick conversation so why would he ignore me now??
This is bringing me down, but I know I can't send another message now it would show as needy...
Why is he doing this? Sould I message one of his friend to ask how he is doing? :(, I'm loosing hope is there still any??
Thanks x
Maybe I should go in his town in week or 2 and just call him and ask him if he wants to meet up? Like just do it rather than go around with messaes because its too tricky and not as effective as just meeting up and seeing each other and talking freely? And showing how I have changed etc?
Hey Helen,
There's a risk that he will reject your proposal to meet up, in which case, you will have made the trip for nothing and will feel quite rejected. There's also a chance that rejection will make you act needy or desperate. I will recommend you wait until you and him are on good talking terms.
Hi Kevin, I need your help on this one... new guy new heartache haha!
Well, I met a guy a couple of months ago and at first he seemed keen as I'm sure you've heard stories like this before. He introduced me to his parents, invited me to a family occasion, came to my house met my family few times and then that was IT! Since then, he's been distant and I think he wanted to kiss me or something on the third date but I'm shy as he knows and perhaps that's why he became distant. I deleted his number until he texted me merry xmas and we've been texting every now and then since. He went on a holiday and didn't tell me before he went cos we're not together but when I texted me NYE he told me he was away and that I can text him or call him anytime! He always replies to my texts almost immediately . I think tonight I did a huge mistake. I texted him around 9 pm a text that's bit too deep for him maybe and he didn't like it. my text was: 'What do you wanna gain from life (his full name). what would you tell the guy you knew 20 years ago and forgotten about? how will you make it up to him this year?' ... Of course I'm talking about the child in him and what wishes he had but forgot etc... his reply was immediate: ' I don't understand your message sorry' I said ' it's too much to text' hoping he'd call... he said 'gonna have to talk about that one' but didn't call me' me: ' I hope I didn't upset you' him: 'not upset just don't understand your messages!' I gave him two options: 'you either want to understand or you don't care to think about it' him: 'don't know ring me tomorrow' me: 'it's nothing weird but too much to text. i hope I didn't disturb your night I didn't mean to' ... That's it he didn't reply back. I'm not sure what to do here. Why is he being difficult and if he's seeing someone why not tell me we were never together though his actions in the beginning gave me that feeling we were. What do I do please help me Kevin. Do I ring him tomorrow? Do I delete him? Do I ignore him? Will he call me if I don't? ... Why am I feeling this way about someone I've only seen a few times? I hope I'm not acting desperate though I don't text every day but most of the time it's me initiating. Help me Kevin please, i'm so embarrassed by all this :( thank you
Please Kevin? ... I'm not gonna sleep tonight I'm so upset :( ... Never had a guy that's "not into me" and I'm not taking this well... what to do?
Hey Rihanna,
It's great to see you have moved on from your ex and how far you've come. You are just overthinking things. He just didn't get the message and didn't want to get into it. The guy is probably into you. But if you try too hard, it'll seem unattractive. So just relax. Let things take their own course. Even if he is not into you, it isn't the end of the world. You got over your ex, this guy will be a piece of cake. Don't take it personally. Life's too short to pine over things that aren't meant to happen.
Oh yes Thank God I am over my ex and now we're good friends, Legitimately! We both know we can never be together due to family, religion, politics and money meaning everything in life haha! plus, I really don't have any feelings for him anymore... He always tells me he's there for me but whatever is said and done we just CAN NEVER be together and I'm ok with that...
Now about this guy. What should I do? I sent him a text this morning explaining that text and I haven't heard back. I'm going away next week and would like to talk to him before I leave. Why is he ok with texting and calling but everytime he says "i'll call you and see you soon" it never happens! What am I meant to do to re-ignite his interest? I don't want to sound interested or worse, desperate but do you think I can call him and have a chat? What is this guy's deal why act super keen and get family involved then vanish? And it's been like this well over a month! any idea?
hey Kevin .. it's been a while since I've posted here .. so first I want to wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New year ..
I followed your advice .. I told my ex that I need time to myself .. and I cut him off completely ..
so in the next couple of days he started contacting me .. for like 2 or 3 minutes a day at first .. then our conversation got longer ..
and we were back to where we were ..late night talks .. saying I love you .. texting .. etc
he apologised about what he said last time and he said that I'm the most beautiful thing that happened in his life .. and I'm going to be like that again .. lol ..
so .. last time he was at my city .. he promised me that he'll come before the new year start ..
a few days ago .. we were talking and he was joking about coming to my city .. so .. the next morning he called me .. and he was really in my city .. so we met .. we huged me .. told me how much he missed me .. and at the end of the date .. he hold my hands .. looked into my eyes .. and said that he loves me .. he yelled it out loud .. it was so romantic .. so .. we ended the date happily .. the next day .. we agreed on going out with our friends .. but at last minute .. he cancelled on me .. so I got mad .. we got into a fight .. at last we agreed on meeting for 5 minutes "I insisted " .. so he came .. he was unhappy .. we set things straight .. we made out .. before we knew it .. 2 hours were gone .. and his friends were calling him to come back .. so we went home .. agreed on meeting the next morning .. the next morning he was distance .. I asked him why he said because his friend was with us .. so .. him and his friend were talking about going to the new year's festival in his town .. he said they'll go with his best friend .. so the next morning there was a photo of them on fb with 3 girls .. one of them he told me before she was his friend's gf ... he lied saying she's in a relationship .. and when I asked him about that .. he said he said so because he didn't want me to suspect that he likes her .. we got into a fight .. he apologised at last .. and went offline without even waiting for me to say goodnight ..
today he acted distance again .. idk why! .. he knows I'm sick .. and he called me once all day :(
so idk what to think or what to do again .. what do you think Kevin?
Hey Mema,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too. To me it seems like you are still insecure and needy, which is the reason he is not committing again. He is afraid of losing you completely and he doesn't want to commit (keep himself available). In my opinion, you shouldn't have answered him once you told him you need some time and space. I'll recommend you ask him for commitment. Tell him that you can't let him keep stringing you along. If he wants you, he should commit. If he doesn't, you wil cut contact with him and move on. If he wants time, tell him you need time too and start no contact. And if you start no contact, do not answer his calls, at least for a month.
thanx Kevin ..
but how I was acting needy or insecure? .. can you tell me plz?
and well I did ask him for commitment .. we were talking .. he said that he believes that he's ready to start dating again .. and he misses being in a relationship again "broke up 3 monthes ago" .. and there is someone in his life .. he likes her .. but he doesn't know if he'll ask her out yet .. but he's talking to her daily .. so one thing led to another. . I said that we can get back together .. he refused .. he got angry right away .. saying that if I bring this topic up again .. we will lose each other .. I said that we can try for a while .. we both grow up .. we were so happy together last month .. and we are already acting like a couple .. so he refused .. and got even angrier at me :( .. and he said that he doesn't want to make out with me anymore .. because he doesn't want to lose me as a friend :(
now we agreed on getting time away from each other .. so we can calm down .. "2 or 3 days"
so .. I think NC can't be applied in my situation right now .
what should I do! !
I really want him back ..
he was amazing with me last month .. no fights .. sweet talks .. long hours night calls .. we were acting like we've never broken up :( ..
but he looks very hurt from our break up .. and he doesn't have a will to forgive me about it .. or forget about it .. even though he said he loves me ..
so .. should I lose hope now?
1. You got mad when he cancelled on you. Instead, if you would have told him calmly that you don't appreciate him cancelling on you at the last moment and next time he shouldn't make plans with you that he can't keep; he would've seen you as mature instead of insecure.
2. You saw his picture on facebook and immediately (I am assuming immediately) asked about the girl, her relationship status etc. Signs of jealousy and insecurity.
3. You told him you want time and space and cut him off. But as soon as he started messaging you, you forgot about what YOU NEED (time and space) and started fulfilling HIS NEED (talking to you). You put him before yourself. Which shows that either you don't respect your decision, or you need him more than your well-being.
If he has already said no to commitment, I'll highly recommend you cut him off. If you want him back, let him know that it's hard for you to be friends with him right now and you need time and space. Tell him if you decide you can be friends with him, you will contact him later. Then start no contact.
thanx Kevin .. I did what you said ..and then I blocked him on social media and everywhere else ..
Happy New Year Kevin! Thank you so much for all your support in my darkest hour and for proving to me that there's always light at the end of a dark tunnel ... Here's to a better 2015 with new beginnings ... May this year be a great one to you also. All my love xx
Rihanna,
It's great to hear from you. Hope you are good. Happy New Year to you too and may this year bring you success in life and love. xo
I think i made way too many mistakes before i came across this website and the steps so i still think its impossible to get her attracted to me again, should i move on?
last week she apologized for how she treated me after the break up and said i was perfect and a good boyfriend, that got my hopes up and i stupidly asked if she wondered about getting back together, she didnt reply, but a few days later she sent a random message like nothing had happened. The main reason why we split up was that i had moved away to uni and she thought it wouldnt work, but i can move home now. Do you think my plan should be to casually tell her im home for good and meet up a few times to try and build attraction?
Yes, but don't tell her you want to get back together. Let it be her idea.
Kevin! You said about No Contact. Ok fine, there will be no contact but can we upload status on whatsapp/facebook reminding him of some special dates or time we spent together? Statuses would not be of the begging/pleading type. Also! We were never committed but there is something different in this story. I know you may not have time to listen to all the stuff but I seriously love him whole heartedly and I really wish to know where does the problem lies.
No, I will not recommend such statuses. They will still look needy and desperate.
Why can't I see my posts here??
Toby,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.
How can I ask them out as suggested in step 4 if they are still in their rebound relationship?
Fist establish contact and if they are warm and you have been in contact for a few weeks; ask them to meet for coffee. Tell them you just want to catch up. Don't call it a date.
Hey Kevin,
Happy New Year! I wrote here a few days ago, but I don't see my post here, so I am writing you again.
So my situation is: Dated a girl for 10 months, broke up almost 3 months ago, a month after the break up she started dating another guy. During this time I did all the deadly mistakes you have mentioned and started no contact about a week and a half ago. Broke it last night by replying her text for New Year.
When we broke up she told she will always love me and if she sees some positive changes in me, we can be together.
My question is how long should I go with the no contact period? And what if I mistakenly get the feeling I am ready to contact her, but I am not and screw things up again? Another no contact period? I am afraid of getting into a vicious circle.
And one more thing. She usually meets her future boyfriend at the end of her current relationship. Like she can't be alone and keeps someone lined up. That's what happened to me. I can't do nothing but hope it's a rebound relationship.
I would be very grateful if you can give me some advice what to do and see your opinion on my case. Thank you in advance!
Hey Toby,
You should do at least one month. Use the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. If you screw up, start no contact again. Give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for her? 1 year? 6 months? Make a promise to yourself that if you are not back together by the end of that time period, you will focus on moving.
Honestly I am willing to wait for her for years, but I am afraid I don't have much time, considering the fact she is having a new boyfriend. And also the changes I plan to do require a lot of time.. Another thing is that I am worried, I am wasting my no contact time, by still thinking a lot about her, and not doing anything. On the other hand I don't consider rushing things a good idea.
Hello kevin, I just wanna start by saying this article really helped to open up my eyes and realize how needy I was being, me and my boyfriend broke up like a week ago and it still pains me, we've been in contact kinda here and their through out everyday. He said he wanted to build a foundation with me, so how can I start doing the no contact rule?
From here on now I'm going to look at the positives of myself and build my self back up, I'll show him I'll be happy without him, I was happy before right, and I'll be halt again! :)
Tell him you need time and space to deal with the breakup and start no contact.
For the past week since his girlfriend forbade him from talking to me it seems like he has been listening to her, and only Skype called me once when I was with mutual friends. He hasn't reached out to me, talked to me, or been interested or curious. At one point he did comment on Facebook on one of my pictures of my friends and I asking why nobody ever calls him to go out with us. On Christmas my friend delivered a ring I bought him during Black Friday and said he wouldn't let go of it, talked fondly of me, agreed I wasn't crazy and said he would continue talking to me while we still had things in common because teasing me was fun. She said he didn't talk to fondly of his girlfriends family and seemed rather annoyed but his family approves of his relationship with her. He continues to keep tabs on me, and likewise goes for his girlfriend, after telling me to leave her alone and to stay away from him, she continues to stalk my social media. At one point she lashed out at me publicly saying to fight her and that I am jealous of her and that I copy her to be her. I had the opportunity to respond but didn't say anything and ignored it.
Do I cut her out and block her or continue as I am and what do I do with this situation with him?
Yes, it'll be a good idea to block her. And I'll also recommend you start going out on dates while keeping no contact with your ex.
So in the past week my closest friend and our mutual friend, my exes closest friend have started dating and we are being brought even closer around each other, more run ins, and I found out for college we have enrolled in mutual classes, so I'm afraid in the coming weeks its going to be inevitable that I see him.
I thought it would be a good thing but hes been with his rebound for at least three weeks now.
A few nights ago I went to get food with my friend and she invited her boyfriend who was with my ex so now it seems like the four of us will be around each other often.
My ex kept glancing at me or avoiding eye contact entirely, we pooled in her car and he decided to drive and sit next to me but was pushing me around, making excuses to grab my hand and being really rough, which I have never ever seen him like this before. He's been starting to act more distant or more rough and simply not like himself. I've been trying to only say positive things, casual things, or few things in general. I know no contact at this point will be very difficult.
I did block his girlfriend and go on three dates with three different people since we broke up.
Whenever you see him, just keep your cool and don't show any signs of neediness. I think you have done well so far. Keep doing the same until he makes a move or his relationship ends.
Hey Kevin,
I followed your 5 step program, with little hope of it working, and well it worked perfectly, so thank you, we are happily back together and stronger.
For everyone out there, NC is definitely hard but it works, so keep strong.
Many thanks.
That's amazing Cindy. Thanks for sharing your success.
Cindy, how did you get through the no contact? I'm a third of the way through, but I'm really struggling and I'm scared this won't bring him back.
Hi Kevin,
I followed your previous advice and did no-contact with my exact. He contacted me exactly around 2 months however it did not go as intended and now we're out of contact again and i'm not sure how to fix it or if I should do no contact again.
So he contacted me about a month ago now, asked me to talk. He told me he loves me but is not ready or mature enough for a relationship. I expressed confusion at why he contacted me and we discussed being friends and texted occasionally after that for a week. During thanksgiving, he texted me a lot and i felt emotionally confused about it and then i told him we had to talk about it and asked him what was going on. He said he didn't know and that he knew i couldn't wait for him but couldn't be in anything now. He also said he loves me a lot and is having a lot of trouble getting over me but knows i cant wait.
After that he didn't contact me again. I texted him about a week later to ask how he was doing; he responded but did not extend conversation. Then I haven't contacted him since and he hasn't contacted me. He kind of cut me out without warning or telling me anything.
I've been thinking if i should contact him or leave him alone. What do you think ?
Anjali
Hey Anjali,
I think you should give him time. And I think he is pretty clear about himself, which is a good thing. He is not ready for a serious relationship. If you want to wait for him, you can. But I wouldn't recommend waiting more than 5-6 months. If you decide to wait for him, contact him after a month or two and see where he stands. Meanwhile, I'll recommend you start dating other guys and start exploring your options. There's a good chance he won't be ready for a relationship anytime soon. And perhaps you dating other guys might just be the kick he needs to become mature enough for a serious relationship.
If I start dating other guys, should I continue to not remain contact with him in the meantime ( another few months) ) while I shop around? Otherwise, he'll never know I'm dating someone else right/ unless I tell him?
I'm already trying to talk to other guys and such and definitely a tiny bit moved on but it's not huge but could maybe also be helpful in me realizing hes not the only fish in the sea and someone better is out there for me.
Thanks for all your advice
Anjali
Personally I would stay in contact and not tell them you are dating anyone. You don't want to make it seem like you are doing it just to make him jealous, do it for yourself, you gain nothing by telling him. If he finds out or asks you directly, don't lie. It may be the push he needs to become serious enough to chase you.
Won't it seem desperate if i contact him now given he hasn't contacted me? If you read the post before the one you just responded to, I explain the situation in some more detail ( in case you haven't read it). Idk I guess I want to be careful to not seem like im chasing him.
You could message him and just ask to catch up, see how he's doing, etc.
Australia, so I tired what you suggested and he responded but doesn't seem interested in prolonging and extending conversation like he was last time ( he didn't change the subject or ask me any questions or anything) . Should I inquire about it and clarify if he'd rather not just talk at all? Or should I just not say anything and back off.
anjali
Take some time for yourself and give him some. It's hard because it may take him weeks to realise he wants to talk to you and might even be hard for him to reach out, but I would recommend you move on, focus on yourself, date, maybe reach out a month or two down the road, if you still want.
Hello Kevin
I completed the "no contact" step sucessfully, did many new and exciting things but after that, I ended up sounding very desperate before him and he strictly don't wanna get into relationship(bcoz of many breakup n patchups btw us) although he accepted dat he loves me.Finally, I re-collected myself and agreed with his decision of not getting back together and behaved completely normal. Now I have asked him for a short meeting this weekend. Any tip or advice for me..??
Don't talk about getting back together. Just have a good time and be confident.
He is very rigid about not getting back into relationship.. I even tried to recall the good moments by texting him and he reminded me of the reasons for our breakup. :-(
Shall i postponed the meeting for more few days..??
Any tip regarding this..?? I seriously need your help..!! :-(
It sounds like you need a longer no contact period. The whole point of it is to move on from the past and start fresh. Don't stir up old memories, let him remember the good things by himself.
What about the meeting then..?? Shall I Postponed it with any reason..??
Can you get yourself to not mention the relationship and just have a good time? If he brings it up, will you be able to dismiss it and focus on having a good time instead? It sounds like you aren't ready to do these things.
To get your ex back, you need to be over the break up. It can still hurt of course, but you need to be able to look past it and see the future. When my ex dumped me, I didn't. I had a longer NC period and before you knew it, my ex and I were on speaking terms again. She's in a rebound, so it is not ideal and it hurts, but it isn't impacting my life.
Yes I can manage that, ll not discuss about the relationship. But he himself has changed the plan and not even informed me, and when I asked for the final plan he said he ll let me know whether he's free or not in the coming days.. :-(
He's making himself unavailable to you because he doesn't believe you are over him. The only thing that is in his mind are the bad times, not the good. Give him some time and take some yourself. If he comes back with a response, just say that you made other plans because he wasn't available and that maybe you can meet soon. If you move everything around his schedule, then you will just be far too easily available, something he can have without trying, don't make him feel like there's a better half.
Ok..!!
Now the situation is he didn't even inform me about his plan. And when I myself asked him, he said he is coming my city tomorrow. But neither of us poped up any topic regarding the meeting and i ended the conversation (I pretended to be very normal with evrything)
No idea what to do next..!! :-O
I don't think you should ask him to meet you yet. In fact, even if he asks to meet you, tell him you need some space and time and you don't want to meet him right now. I agree with Australia, some more no contact will definitely help your situation.
I don't know what to think any more. My ex started seeing someone at the beginning of November. This was during NC (which I purposefully made very long). I reached out at the beginning of December to create a friendship.
She didn't tell me about her relationship, I deduced it. Her behaviour gave her away immediately. She didn't really want to talk about it. She just said that they were hanging out and it became more serious recently. I did know that they were hanging after our break up and I guess they kind of got together. He's really not her type, different to me in quite a few ways, but not all. I do know that he says he loves her, but I am not sure about her mindset. There's not much facebook interaction, just a little, a lot of shock expressed by mutual friends on the relationship announcement. A heart on a post, very minimal, no express I love you from her to him.
Based on the 'ex want you back' and 'rebound relationship posts', only half ever hits it.
The situation is complicated by the fact that we own property together which I have decided to just sign over so I can get that debt out of my life. I am not sure if it is the wisest decision as I put my savings into it, but the other option is her leaving the property and I feel like that will forever make her a bully in my eyes as she couldn't afford to pay me back for at least four to five years. I have done a lot to improve my life, but I couldn't achieve all my goals (damn waitlisting at school!). I went on dates, but they just didn't click.
I was terrible after the break up, always probing for the real reason, when I finally stopped and thought, I found many flaws with how I acted, how she acted, and what finally lead to the demise. Essentially I was too available and it was making me unattractive to her.
I had some gut wrenching days when I first confirmed the relationship, after all, this girl broke my heart telling me she needed time to herself, to work on herself. She would have no time, between work and school, etc. Hurts when you find out she is dating someone. The only good thing she said to me was that if he had a problem with her always being busy, she would cut that cord.
This is the woman who I want to marry and have children with. The one that tamed me if you will. Before her, all I did was date different women on a monthly basis. I don't want to go back to that and at the same time I cannot find anyone half as interesting and driven as her.
I'm just confused as to what my best course of action is in this situation. I have instigated a friendship, we've only met once since and otherwise discussed mostly the house stuff. I am afraid that she is trying not to meet with me as I have tried to make plans after Christmas (both too busy before), but she keeps saying that her schedule isn't made, but at the same time saying she could take any day. Very much a mixed message that is throwing me off. I am going to wait for it to be closer to Christmas before that drives me insane.
I may have done a bad impulsive thing though. I bought her a small Christmas gift and a card and mailed it to her. I just saw it and thought she would love it. I was originally planning on making something but put it off the table as I thought that would be too creepy and invasive.
Kevin, if you have advice, I would appreciate it a lot. The message boards often leave me hoping for a response that never comes. Thank you for the site, it had a very calming effect. It has helped me accept things I was ignoring, it has even convinced me to see a councillor to further help me improve my life. Focus me with a side goal of ex.
Hey,
I think it'll be a good idea to stay in contact with her and keep focusing on yourself. I don't think you should expect her or ask her to spend Christmas with you. Spending Christmas together is too much pressure for the first date after no contact. It'll be better if you ask her out after New Years.
Hi,
we won't be spending Christmas together, I was hoping to meet up with her during that limbo period right after Christmas, but before the New Year. Mostly because I want to talk to her about what are plans are with the house if she cannot take on the full mortgage.
Maybe it would be better to wait for the New Year. I will play it by ear, see if she makes herself available or not.
Hi Kevin,
I've had a read of all your response and questions posed to you, unfortunately I haven't found anything similar to my situation. I'll try and be as concise as possible without dragging this message out to long.
I was in a relationship for 2 years with my now 'ex' she honestly is the best girl I have ever met, however, towards then end I let my anger get the better of me. She would make silly mistakes and I would just be so very hurtful and awful to her, I'd say some shit that you should never say to someone you love, I've actually done the same thing to my parents and best mate before as well, having a venomous tongue has really hindered me for a while, but I never thought it would get this far.
The last time it happened, it was the last straw and my girlfriend ending things, it has now been 5 days since she ended it. Sorry, I should fill you in prior to that, after my final mistake, she agreed to give me one month to prove myself. The day after things were good we even passionately kissed at her house, the next day we went to lunch, unfortunately she burst into tears just looking at me, it really made me feel like a monster! that night she asked to walk the dogs the next day and we did, things were okay not as they used to be but definitely not appalling. That night she ended things.. saying she just couldn't ever get over the hurt i've caused, i found out that her best friend was over that night who doesn't like me and influences her heavily! so it really pissed me off. Also at night when we were in person ending it, i was at the door and i said if you want us done ill leave, and she just couldnt say it, we went back upstairs and spoke for another 2 hours but she just can't bring herself to get over it and forgive me. It really sucks! the days after i was texting her frantically, essentially doing everything you're not supposed to do. I now haven't spoken to her for 2 days which is good, it's really hard for me not to contact her but I feel it's the only chance I've got of getting her back is getting her to miss me. I told her if she has any doubt to contact me. Which still hasn't happened. In the mean time I have worked a lot on myself, I will never be venomous with my tongue like that again as this has been a major life lesson, so I'm definitely going to improve myself, I've promised her it would never happen again if we got back together.
My question to you is, is there else I can do to improve my chances?
A response would mean a lot mate.
G'day from Australia
Hey Jon,
You can join some sort of support group or start therapy which will show her you are really making an effort to make changes.
Kevin makes a good suggestion. On top of that, start NC immediately.
This is a really good article, I like it. But I wish I had read it a lot sooner because now I feel like I messed up on the "no contact" method.. Although I think this is what I'm going to start doing. I hope it works.
Hey Kevin. I have posted 2 times and you still haven't responded to them.
I really need your advice and I don't know why my comments are not approved yet.
Can you help me?
Hey,
The comments over here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can ask your relationship questions on the message boards.
Kevin,
Given that the 'proof of the pudding is in the eating', did the 5 step plan work for you?
Yeah, actually it did. And it also did for a lot of other people. You can read the testimonials page here.
Hey Kevin, more news, our mutual friend spoke with him today and my ex actually started panicking that we were going to date and started contacting me asking if I liked his friend, and when I reject the friend that I should not hurt him. My ex told his friend he had emotions, that he also hasn't worked through some feelings too. Then when our friend said he liked me my ex said he didn't love me and had no emotions what so ever. Which seems contrary to the panicking and earlier statement about emotions in my opinion, as well as contacting me and keeping all our photos. He inquired about my life and conversation between our friend and I, and explicitly said he was curious. I responded briefly and positively. Needless to say it feels like he's sending out mixed messages, but our friends definitely have peaked his interest and curiosity, if not also jealousy. I summed up our brief exchange with a "By the way, thank you" and left without a real explanation as to why, to keep the curiosity going.
Additionally I found out the rebound is slightly similar to me and hes keeping it a secret especially from his family that disapproves.
Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do? Do you think he still loves me or has feelings? Currently I'm just trying to have as much limited contact as possible while using curiosity and jealousy to my advantage.
Yes, it seems he still has feelings. If your no contact isn't finished till now, I'll recommend you don't contact him anymore. You shouldn't have replied to his messages in the first place if you are in the no contact period. Continue no contact and let him be curious. If he contacts again, tell him you need space and time and you are not ready to discuss your private life with him yet.
The No Contact seems to be getting increasingly different since I see him in our shared course about 2 to 3 times a week and since we have mutual friends. Today he decided to sit next to me after having his mind wrecked by jealousy/worrying due to our mutual friend getting him curious, and so he tried to ask me questions, make small talk, even briefly brushing against me and touching me. Later during the day I went to a mutual friends when they got off work and a few hours later my ex showed up to hang out. Our friend left to pick up groceries and my ex and I were left alone and he tried once again to talk to me. I had to get home so my ex volunteered to drive me home and it was storming so we ended up parking since the roads were getting flooded, in any case for an hour he let out some of his feelings about our past, that he felt I handled things poorly, was dependent, and was overwhelming, which I already knew. I tried my best to be brief, keep him curious, and let him do the talking. Not at any single point did he mention his rebound girlfriend. He mentioned we should go to a Christmas party, and that he was upset that I haven't been inviting him to go out with our friends and that I should. He kept touching my legs or brushing his hand against mine and when he finally dropped me off he gave me a few long hugs. I have the worry still that he just wants to be friends, how can I avoid being friendzoned? And in any case, how do I handle having a class with him and encounters with mutual friends? It seems like hes stopped ignoring me and taken an interest back in my life thanks to good news from friends, do I just cut him off cold right now and move away in class and avoid seeing my friends? Also he told me that of recent he's been spending a majority of his time at home, in class, or asleep, his girlfriend didn't contact him at all in the time I was with him, which makes me wonder where is she in all this? He started dating her a week after we broke up after we dated for over half a year and yet she seems really absent.
Hey Aly,
I will still recommend you do no contact because you haven't done any till now. Just tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. If you don't want to do no contact, you can continue letting him chase you for a while and see where it goes. If you decide to continue being in touch with him, make sure you don't show any signs of neediness and appear confident and happy at all times.
Things were going extremely well. We even Skyped for four hours. But an ex friend of mine told his girlfriend I wanted him back, his girlfriend attacked me over Facebook, went to him, told him to never speak to me again. He said okay, then told her he would never go back to me and was just putting up with me.
I told her if that was true, he wouldn't offer me rides home, choose to Skype me, choose to hang out with me, ask me to invite him to events.
She blocked me after running to him about how she doesn't trust him.
So I guess my friendship with her is over.
What is going on with him?
Hey Aly,
I can't say what's going on with him. He is in a complicated situation. He still has feelings for you and is probably trying to be a good boyfriend to his rebound. I'll be a good idea to stay away from him for a while and let their relationship blow over.
Hey Kevin, i'm trying to get my ex girlfriend back. She is one of the independent ones. I liked her for a year and a half and this August we started to date but broke up October 4th. It's been like 2 months and we had some contact. Saw each other like 3 times and we friends right now but i still like her. i Made a mistake to date another girl like a month after. I was so lost i know i shouldn't have done it but i can't take it back. I'm trying to get her back and i'm going to be meeting her Thursday December 18th, 2014 because i got her a Christmas gift. It's a 5lb chocolate bar and i picture of her and her grandpa who died last year on Christmas eve. I'm looking for any advice that you can give me. OIh and when i was dating this girl i met her for the first time November 2nd and i told her that i can't go along like this. Dating a girl when i still have feeling for you. So any advice thanks!
Hey Nick,
I will not recommend giving her any gifts. Especially something that shows you still want her back. Follow the plan. Do no contact for a few months and then contact her casually.
Hey So i've been getting your emails and they have helped a lot. I had to do the gifts because i already bought them and it went great. Turns out she's getting me a gift so i'm glad i did it. I wasn't in her best guy friend list. Idk if that means im not a guy friend or there is a special place for me. Anyway i don't know what to do now. I gave her the gift we hugged 3 times, we also talked for 35 min in person and thought we were going to kiss at the last hug which was the goodbye one but i just don't know what to do now.
I am glad it went well. I'll suggest you do NC for a couple of weeks or a month and contact her again.
Alright thanks again for all your help so far. Talk to ya in a month.
Hi Kevin,
I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don't know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (
hi Kevin. my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days after our 9th month. last december 9,2014. I was terribly hurt because he slapped it on my face that his LOVE fades out. it very hard to accept his reasons. I cant really accept it. He was my first BOYFRIEND, i am deeply in love with him, its so hard to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. is it really possible ? is it really possible that his love will never be mine again? please help me with this. before i got to read your article, i have done the biggest mistake. I called him (he rejected it) and still i texted him and he was like replying like i'm just a friend. i really want him back, and if having him back means having NO CONTACT with him for 30 days, IM GONNA DO IT. no matter how hard it is. I hope your suggestions will help me. please can you please tell me if is it possible that he will no longer want me back in his life? our break up is so heart breaking, we were in good terms that week. i dont understand why he end up saying he wanted us to end. i was really crying in front of him, were on the street that moment. i cant even talk that moment cause every tim i try to utter words i sob. he explained to me that i was too childish, and because of that he wanted us to end. he hugged me when he's saying those words, he even kissed me that time. he wipe my tears. and that's making it more painful, he's still caring though he slapped those words. for now I want to think that he just wanted some space for him to analyze everything. BUT I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! soo much. yesterday I figured out his faceoook password (for the first time) it was the very first time for me to open his account. i checked his messages to check if his having an affair to someone. but i found nothing. but there is a conversation with his friend that he was kinda tired of my childish actions. he says sometimes i am too sweet. what should i do to make him realize that our relationship is worth fighting for. can you please give me some advice on how to be mature, and what boys really wants. please Kevin i badly need some advice here :( :(
Hey,
First of all, stop checking his Facebook messages. No good can come from that. And yes, you have to do no contact for 30 days. Since it was your first relationship, I'll even recommend more than 30 days. Perhaps 45-60 days. You have a chance but read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.
Hi Kevin. You got me teary eyed with your reply.
Im only 18 years old, yes he was my FIRST that is why i am terribly hurt right now. but i know how reality works, there will be a time where love fades out, but NOW, i can't handle it. the reason why he broke up with me is that, according to him I am childish and some of my expressions are exaggerated. Can you please give me some advice to fix myself and to be a LADY and no longer a girl. yes you were right, i dont simple want him back, I WANT TO KEEP HIM FOREVER. thank you so much, you dont know how much relieved i am hearing THE PERFECT WORDS (from you) to heal my melancholic heart.
Hi Kevin
I purchased relationship rewind thought my ex was indifferent after attempting to create the false friendship so wrote him the magic letter. Weirdly about 15 minutes after I posted the letter, he text me to say we can't catch up because he was worried I would get emotional and to wait until after Christmas.
Of course I replied and said I was fine but if he was comfortable with that, then ok. I believe one of the reasons we broke up was because he has children in another city and I had told him I was going to have Christmas with him and meet them. The relationship with his children's mother is quite stressful on him and he suffers depression. We were together for 18 months, very happy but I noticed a severe decline in his depression after the Christmas decision. His reason for us breaking up was that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore.
Anyways, we stayed quite friendly since the break up 2.5 months ago and have never said a bad word to each other. In fact we never really had any arguments throughout our relationship and never said bad things to each other.
He got my letter about 5 days ago and responded by text. His text said he had recieved it and read it and that was the reason he doesn't want to catch up, because I am still in love with him and want to get back together and it isn't going to happen, but we will catch up after Christmas or once I no longer have feelings for him, if that is ok with me.
I followed the letter to the T.
My question now is if there is still a chance? He seems to still care a lot about me but has other things going on that he needs to sort out. I have since began NC again, and it has been 5 days. Would love to hear your views.
Thanks! K
Hey,
You do have a chance but it seems slim. But I think it's worth trying again. NC will definitely help. Use this time to make positive changes and follow the 5 step plan and use death's door in relationship rewind.
Thanks Kevin. Slim chance is not what I wanted to hear but it is comforting to have an opinion. Thank you. I actually felt quite relaxed, calm and at ease after the text he sent about the letter, and still do so I guess that is a good thing.
I will use deaths door. Thank you
I also should add that I'm 31, just purchased a brand new home on my own which he encouraged me to do while we were still together as I really wanted to. I am also almost finished a degree to become a lawyer while working full time which he was really supported me through when I had assessments and exams due by coming around and making me dinner and keeping his distance when he knew I had to study as I am great at procrastinating. So all in all I think he does care about me, and respects me but that maybe he feels he will be holding me back from my big dreams.
That's great Kellie. I think being successful and having a great life without him will definitely increase your chances.
thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
So .. my questions are ..
for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
If he calls me what should I say?
should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?
I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
thanx again Kevin
so my ex and I we were talking tonight .. so it was an honest conversation .. he told me that he feels I’m pressuring him .. and sometimes he wishes that he had never unblocked me .. and I’m one of the most important people in his life .. but I’ll never be NO.1 again.. so one thing led to another .. I asked him of he will never think of us getting back again .. and he prefers dieing over getting back to our relationship ..
I was really surprised .. so I asked for further details .. he got mad .. and told me he’s going to sleep and that we’ll never be anything more than friends and if I ever brought this topic up he’ll block me again ..
I’m afraid that he’ll block me again now ..
I think my case is hopeless now .. and it’s time to move on .. :(
Hey Mema,
At this point, I will recommend you to move on. Cut all contact from him. Even if he tries to contact you, do not respond. Unfollow him from all social media and don't keep any tabs on him through friends.
Even if you have a chance with him, this is the only course of action that will actually work. Otherwise, he will keep stringing you along and playing with your emotions.
Thanks Kevin .. today he talked to me .. we had good time .. he said he doesn't want to get back together .. because he hated our relationship last year.. and he thinks we'll never work .. but he has feelings for me ..
could it be that he had his defence up yesterday? or I'm really indefrent to him?
any way .. I told him I need time to myself .. and it may take a day or two .. but I'm planning to cut him off till Christmas .. and if he calls me I won't reply .. what do you think?
Kevin do you think that I have a chance ? ..
I really want him back :(
Good plan. He does have feelings for you and is not indifferent. But you are giving him too much power and he will keep stringing you along for a long time if you let him.
I'm afraid that I lost him .. I really want him back ASAP .. I can't take it .. being in a situation like .. I feel like he's keeping me on his hook ..
I want to be able to talk to him and win him back too .. :(
it looks like false friendship is not working .. or I was doing it wrong ..
yesterday he admitted that no friends calls each other when they wake up or give each other a good night kiss -_- ..
but he's not willing to get back at me ..
it seems like he hasn't recovered from my break up with him .. he said that will never forget what happened the last year ..
should I do NC .. I will miss him alot .. and it'll hurt .. but I can keep myself busy ..also I'm really afraid :( .. or should I continue the False Friendship but reduce my contact with him to minimum? .. like once every couple of days?
I want him to forget what happened the last year and focus on our first 2 years .. I'm hopeless and feeling really Down :(
Hey Mema,
You might still have a chance. But you will have to follow what I said in my last comment.
Hi Kevin,
My ex sent me a very generic private message wishing me a happy birthday and asking how everything was going, we've been NC for 3 weeks should I reply? In what way?
Thank you for the help!
I responded saying everything was good and asked about him
Is that ok? I don't think he will reply and I'm ok with that I just hope its not too much of a deal that I added the what about you part. The message was very short and positive.
I'm planing to do one more month of NC and see if I want to try to contact him like you said in a way that is not needy.
What do you think, is it bad sign if he doesn't answer? Is it good that he reached out to me?
He is going to travel to another country for business for a few days.
Thank you for the support again I wouldn't have make it without your advises !!
Helen x
It's not necessarily a bad sign if he doesn't respond. There could be many reasons for that. Don't worry about it. Yes, follow no contact before contacting him again. Good luck!
Thank you Kevin, I will do my best and we'll see what happens in a month, but in the meantime I'll make sure I keep following your plan 200%. I feel like I'm halfway, sometimes I feel kind of over him, confident like I should and everything feels great again! Some days are harder. I guess its just a matter of time and how the process goes.
But do you think that its still good that he reached out? I know we were together for a long time, but it doesn't mean he was obliged to send me that message, especially if he didn't care anymore. And could it be that he is scared that we'll start talking again and that will mean not being consistent with his decision?
Many thanks Kevin x !
Do you think there is still a chance ? I don't know what to think about the all situation I know I shouldn't care, but what do you think about it given my previous posts ?
:(
Thanks Kevin for helping us all !!!
Ex wishing you happy birthday is not necessarily a good sign. It might just be a courtesy text. You still have a chance though. But you should also understand there is a chance it might not work and be mentally prepared for it.
Hello Kevin and Merry Christmas!
It's been 2 weeks since the bday wishes from my ex, and as I thought he didn't respond (my reply was ending with a "what about you" because he asked me how I was doing). I'm really tempted to send him something but I guess I should wait few more weeks?
I have no idea what is happening in his life and I don't know what to think. I saw him last via webcam about a month ago and IRL about 3 months ago, BU was 4 months ago... It is such a long time! :/
I 'm sad that he didn't reply, and I feel that he has just forgotten all about me already. I mean why didn't he even reply a generic "I'm okay"?!
I have no idea what to do, the more time goes the less I see how I would still matter to him when I contact him..
Thank you for your reply x !
Hi, I posted a question here and I don't know where it went. Where's the best place to put it?
Hey,
The best place to post it will be the message boards. Comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them.
Hi Kevin,
I'm a 38 year old man and my ex girlfriend of two and a half years decided she wanted out of the relationship. She is thirty one years old. Over the last year we had a number of clashes over trivial things and recently it was her birthday and a few days before that we had a clash and didn't speak resulting in me missing her birthday because I didn't think she wanted to hear from me. Of course that didn't come down well. We made up after and I thought things were cool however a few days later she broke up with me. I was seriously upset.
We have since met up on a few occasions and had a good time resulting in her asking me out to attend a function with her, then she went cold when she didn't know if she'd be able to bring me? Even though originally she said that if she couldn't we could do something else.
Since we haven't spoken for over a week now.
I'm at a lost as to what to do. If you can help that would be great.
Cheers, Marcus
Follow the plan Marcus.
Kevin, thank you for acknowledging my message. I have read about your NC rule and have started on the road to recovery. Officially this is day 4 without sending anything to her.
I didn't mention earlier that on two different occasions my ex said to me that she is confused but would not elaborate further then she said that she was scared, again without explaining. So I told her that we could talk about it if and when your ready.
Also the day after we last spoke when she said that she might not be able to take me with her to the function, she had an assessment at her work which was going to be signed off if she had been successful which I know she will have been. I didn't make any contact to see how she had gotten on because I guess after the previous days conversation I was extremely disappointed in what she said to me as it felt like I was an option for her and not a priority.
I had also sent her a message on Saturday just gone to say that I thought she would have just called or messages me to tell me if she was going or not. Her reply was "I'm not going anyway". If felt like she was annoyed in how she responded.
The following morning I sent her a text message telling her that I just saw something which reminded me of her which is something I had done about 2 weeks ago and went down well. This time around I didn't get a reply!
Any additional advice would be massive Kevin and I'm sorry to bother you with my problems.
Cheers,
Marcus
Hey Marcus,
Just continue no contact and use this time to become a happier and confident person.
Yes Kevin,
Thank you for the continued advice. I will definitely do that!!!
Do you think I still have a chance of getting her back?
When she initially broke the news to me that she wanted out she said that she never changes her mind, yet then her actions and comments at times suggest that she's not fully convinced she's done the right thing.
Hey Marcus,
Yes, you do have a chance. A lot of people say that but change their minds later.
Hi Kevin,
I mentioned this previously but I don't think you saw it.
I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (
Hope all is good with you though man!
Hey Marcus,
Don't take it hard. There could be many reasons for her to do so. Since you were not texting her constantly, the reason she did it was probably for her peace of mind or to get a reaction out of you. Don't overthink it and continue with the plan.
Kevin thank you so much for always helping!
I decided to write her a hand written letter and posted it this morning.
I was reading Relationship Rewind and decided to chance it having thought long and hard about it. I actual used most of the example that is in the book as it was fairly accurate to what I've been going through.
I definitely feel as though she is indifferent towards me and I am at deaths door.
I don't feel like I have made a mistake. She has over the last 2-3 weeks
You stopped all communication with me. Stopped responding to my messages and I don't know why? She has told me that she misses me, loves me, that she is confused, scared without explaining either, to I'm her best friend. Invited me out with her to spend time together then for it not to happen, shown me affection and all of a sudden she's gone cold with me resulting in what I know now is that she blocked me.
Then two days ago she called me at night but I missed her call so I called her back 15 minutes later but she didn't get back to me. So I hung back yesterday thinking she would call but she never did so I thought I should send the letter.
I hope now after what you said to me Kevin I haven't messed up?
Thanks,
Marcus
Hey Marcus,
That letter in relationship rewind is more suitable if you are in the Drift stage and not Death's door. If she doesn't respond to that, I'll recommend you continue no contact for another month.
Hey Kevin,
Damn seems like I may have messed up there then. We are not at the drift stage as she ended it a few weeks back now. She is so stubborn and probably won’t get in contact once she has read the letter. She's been acting so erratic but now hasn't replied to anything after appearing happy with me/us. So it’s looking like another month of no contact then?
Should I wish her a Merry Christmas or not?
Thank you for your continued support
Marcus
It wouldn’t hurt. But I think it’s better if you don’t.
I was hoping the letter would generate some kind of positive response from her as I have had nothing and I really don't know why she is being so horrible to me Kevin?
Hi Kevin,
Okay I won't send a Christmas greeting.
She received the letter that I sent and phoned to tell me on Thursday. She asked me if I was busy which at the time I was, so she said that she just called to tell me she had received the letter (initially sounding cheerful). I said I would call her back in a bit, which she said was fine. Half an hour later I called but she didn't pick up. The four hours later I called again and she didn't pick up again, however she called back half an hour later. I said that I called you back unsuccessfully is decided to call again and her response was very flippant "well we're speaking now". Her tone during the short conversation seemed different to earlier. I'm assuming that maybe now she had read the letter. I didn't feel comfortable with how she was sounding and didn't let her know anything personal about was I had a busy day. I just wished her a goodnight and said goodbye.
She didn't mention anything in the letter, not even the fact that I know she has blocked me on the messaging service or any of the other content.
So since, I haven't spoken to her as I feel she is just playing mind games with me which I don't wish to play. She even in a previous call the day before tried to engage me with a sarcastic comment which I ignored. It's very disappointing but I do feel peace within my heart that I am not the problem and that her ending our relationship won't fix what she is going through. It just means that I'm not there to constantly be thee for her not down to my own doing though.
Kevin, what do you think my next move should be?
Thanks for your continued help!!!
Still do no contact for a month or two and try contacting her again.
Hi Kevin,
I will continue with NC as you suggest. I guess I haven't got anything else to lose. The last couple of times that we did spoke she doesn't show me any respect in how she converses with me, which is disappointing. Even when speaking and I said I will send her a message to see if she receives it as she said she hasn't blocked me, she doesn't reply once it has been delivered.
She is just playing games with me I feel.
I just read your email and your right about logic. When emotions are involved logic has very little impact. I'm just being myself even when she is being rude...I don't recognise the person she has become with me.
If I don't hear back from you, have a great Christmas Kevin and thank you for your help. It's nice to know someone is out there who can sympathise with you.
Marcus
You have a great Christmas too Marcus. Good luck!!
Hi Kevin,
Happy New Year to you and yours.
To up date, I had started the NC as suggested yet my ex contacted me and we had a pleasant chat on the phone for quite a while, even arranging to meet up to hang out. Which was going fine until we ended up talking about her misleading signals and then she started being very horrible and left only to then call me later on to apologise for what she said. We then spoke again for a while and I said that I will become a ghost to you and you will never hear from me again and she said did I say I wanted you to do that.
I then suggested that she keeps on having a go no matter what I say.
But it's like everything made sense to me in that she has some serious problems. I realised that she holds on to trivial things and likes to try to control me by bringing them up but I pointed out to her that I never pushed you away, and it doesn't matter how much you try to put me down, it will never work as I'm too strong for that and I said I'm a damn good catch and I deserve better.
I would love to type up everything that was said but it's so pathetic!
I also went on to say that I'm not going to knock on her door any more. Why knock on someone's door who does not open. I'll knock on someones door who will open it instead.
We last spoke over a week ago and I'm fine with that.
I am not attracted to her alter ego any more and I am embracing the fact that there are plenty more beautiful women out there who will appreciate a good man.
Marcus
That's great Marcus. It's refreshing to see this change in you. I am glad to hear that you are no longer obsessed over getting her back and are able to see her what she really is. Good luck.
Hi Kevin,
So I took your advise and asked her out over the text messaging few days ago. She texted back and said "possibly :)". I took it as a positive sign and asked her this weekend schedule. And I suggested this saturday night. Then she told me that she didn't realize she was agreeing to weekend nighttime event. So we ended up talking on the phone, and she started questions the reason of the "gathering"....etc. Also she said if there is no time limitation (weekend night), we might make a "mistake" (we have a history of doing this several months ago). She told me that she doesn't intend to get back together (mixed signals), and I told her the reason for the meeting is just to catch up. However, she suggested to come to my house last night and wanted to walk my dog together.... I'm not sure how to handle the situation right now. Should I take her "I dont intend to get back together" comment seriously, and cut all the ties before I get burned too much?
Go on the walk with her. Have a good time. Even if she doesn't want to get back together, she is giving you an opportunity to change her mind. Just don't try to convince her to get back together. Keep hanging out with her and having fun with her for a while. She will probably change her mind eventually. If she doesn't show any signs in the 3-4 dates (or more depending on how long you want to wait for her), then you should bring up getting back together. If she still says no, then you should cut contact with her and move on.
Hi There Kevin
I have purchased the Ryan Rivers relationship rewind book and I am close to finnishing it.
I have also been reading your emails and they have been very helpfull and interesting. Even they have both been great reads and quite interesting and helpfull in parts, I have knid of lost my optimisim I had before I read it.
I know the stage I am at is Deaths door and the thing is, I feel I wont be able to get her back now because of a couple of tips and reasons you have given me and what I have read in the book advising me to steer clear of, which I have ALREADY done before I discovered relationshiprewind.
I chased and chased her going down the "Do anything to get her back route" for about a month after I found some txts on her phone from a guy she met at a hotel on business, who she works with and now really likes, but I dont think he likes her as much.
She left our flat to stay at her mums and I bombarded her with phone calls, txts, emails etc to ask what had happened and plead with her that things will be better between us and I know it just made me push her away further.
My head was a mess and I lost all control of my emotions, even when I saw her, when she had to come back to the flat. I just kept on losing it.
To be honest its my first long term relationship at 3 and half years and I put a lot of it down to in-experience. Reading back over the guides, I should have moved out myself calmly when I read the txts and we would have been at one of the earlier stages and it would have been easier to turn things around.
Anyway, I now havent spoken to her for 4 days. The last time I spoke to her she pretty much said she hated me and to leave her alone.......I know I love her and untill probably the last 6 months, she really did love me. And I know she IS the one.......I dont know what to do and I am really struggling.
Any help, tips and advice for this situation would be very much appreciated.
Many Thanks
Tom
Tommy, follow the plan. You still have a chance.
Hi Kevin,
I have been posting numerous times and it says "awaiting moderation".
Hey,
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin
My ex and I dated for six years and were engaged. Things started happening we were getting too comfortable and small little things started us on a downward spiral for the last six months and she pulled the trigger . I was devastated at first for a few weeks and then slowly started coming out of the grief . We had very little contact for the first month only some housekeeping texts about shared bills and other things . It's been two months and I knly made one mistake in the deadly mistakes and was blocked for it . Almost two weeks later I had the urge to send out a text and to my surprise it was read ! I was no longer blocked! I didn't do anything hasty I left it at that but my plan is just to send a subtle good morning text every morning and nothing more . What do you think? I have seen other women and notice that so many things I got angry about with my ex were things that almost every one of these new women had as well . It all seems so insignificant now because I know I took things for granted . I would love to hear your thoughts on my story Kevin . And thanks
I won't recommend the good morning texts. Follow the plan. You have a good chance.
I'm just unsure of my next move. I have an entire life now that is seperate hanging out with friends and hobbies. I don't know what my next move is?
Do one month of no contact. Then send her a text.
How about a merry christmas text . Christmas will have been a month since deadly mistake and a little over two weeks for the texts. Also what do I do when I inevitably see her downtown when I go out?
Appreciate the replies Kevin!
I wouldn't recommend Christmas text. Only send it if you think it'll be extremely rude of you not to wish her Merry Christmas. If you see her, keep the conversation short and treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
Hi Kevin,
I purchased your book regarding how to get your ex back in July after my ex and I took a break. He officially broke up with me in September, and the breakup ended really badly. I was in tears and said a lot of things I didn't mean like I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. He said the main reason was because he wanted to focus on his career, even though he really does love me and always will. The truth is I really do want him back. Since that time I haven't reached out to him at all, and unfollowed a lot of his social media. I know he has been out dating, which hurts like hell.. but I don't know what to do. Can you help? I am afraid if I continue to not contact him, he never will contact me and I might lose him forever. I just don't know what to say if I do. I've been so angry seeing all of the girls he's been messing around with and out partying with. It hurts so much. Any advice?
Hey Alex,
I'll recommend you continue no contact until you have healed and you are feeling more confident and secure. After that, you can contact him and follow the plan.
Thank you Kevin. I just worry if I don't reach out he will move on to date someone else and I will lose him forever. Unfortunately with his career he has women chasing him like none other. I guess I may be insecure but I just really do love him and miss my best friend.
Even if he dates someone, it doesn't necessarily mean he will move on. Even if he starts a relationship with someone, it'll probably a rebound. You need to calm down and stop worrying about it. The alternative is to keep pestering him which will make you look desperate and unattractive.
met up with my ex, it was nice and i bought up loads of "bliss" moments, at the end we had a mature chat and we both still have feelings for eachother, but she said she still has a few negative feelings about what happened after the break up and needs time because its the first time shes been single for a long time. She got out of her rebound nearly a month ago, im afraid to wait longer because she has so many guy friends who try to get with her. I think shes trying to put me in the friendzone as well. Whats my next step? Soon should i ask her to hang out again?
Give her time. The fear of losing her might work against you. You still have the upper hand. No other guy has a history with her like you do and she already agreed she has feelings for you. I'll recommend you take the time and start exploring your options as well.
Kevin,
I have been trying NC for a couple of days and feel disappointed that my husband didn't call me. The urge to call him is there. Should I not focus on whether he calls me or not.
During this period, i will try my best to remove myself from his life and get rid of the neediness.
After the NC, what's then? My counselor said if he calls me, i should sound sad and tell him i am trying my best to move on as he is preparing to leave me. He said i need to tell him what i think but not asking him to do anything. is this approach right?
Hey Calista,
You shouldn't concentrate on him calling you. It's better that he doesn't call you. It'll give you the time and space to concentrate on yourself. You don't have to sound sad when he calls, but yes you shouldn't ask him to do anything. And you can tell him of all the positive changes you have been making. Remember, if he calls during NC, it's better you don't answer or just tell him you need some time and space right now and you can't talk to him.
Thanks for your clear reply. It soothes me a lot to hear that it is better for him not to call me. I thought that the more he calls me, the more he is interested in me.
Hello , I was just wondering how I could go through the no contact stage while having kids in the middle .
Yes, I write about it in this article.
Hello Kevin...
I would like to ask while going through the no contact period. If our patner contacts us. Here in my case my gf. Then like you said we should avoid replying.
But if she tends to text me and start blaming me for her terribly state right then or starts giviI g me warnings that she will never talk to me again if i don't reply or talk to here then.. or any such relater thing. May it be asking for help or anything.
Then how should i deal with this situation.
What would you advise or rather suggest.
Counting on your feedback.
Regards
Sarvesh
If it's a threat, blame or anything negative; ignore it. If she is texting you (something neutral or positive), then you can tell her that you need some space and time right now and you will appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
His rebound has been telling people their relationship is complicated due to me and then his family and she has started ignoring me too.
He had his best friend tell me yesterday I'm no longer allowed to be around him or go to their house to hang out with our mutual friends. What does this all mean?
How can NC help him miss me while his in another relationship?
He ended up messaging me saying Didn't I say we were broken up, to be clear? And continued to tell me to just accept it and leave it be and that we are never getting back together and he was just trying to spare my feelings earlier. He wasn't talking like himself and would refuse to answer any questions, when I told him I have made great changes and things were good he said "Good for you but that won't change anything." I'm also sure his girlfriend is controlling what he says or does. He keeps checking my profiles still. I kept telling him I accepted the break up and agree with the break up but it seemed to do no good. What can I do?
He probably can sense that you have not accepted the breakup and are still trying to find a way to get him back. I'll recommend that you do no contact for at least 2 months. Stop worrying about his new relationship. There's nothing you can do about it. It's a rebound and it'll probably end. The only thing you can do right now is concentrate on making yourself happy without him.
Thank you Kevin,
His new girlfriend is trying to be close friends with me because I took advice to be friendly to both of them. Should I be close friends with her and is there any way I could work that to my advantage?
No, I don't see any advantage in that.
Update, he keeps telling his friends his girlfriend is a "quick recovery" and that she wasn't dating and just "agreed" to date, since she's very illegal and his friends know shes a rebound most of them are definitely discouraging it. Some of my friends keep texting him to get back with me. Is all this discouragement of her/encouragement for me going to push him away?
It might. He feel like everyone is pressuring him to do something. It should be his idea to get back together. If you can do anything about your friends texting him, then you should tell them to stop it.
It feels like many immediately around him currently are pressuring him against going back to me (mainly his new girlfriends friends). I found out he only waited a week until dating her and he keeps telling people for our entire relationship he was drunk. Today I ran into him and he hugged me and exchanged positive-neutral exchanges, basically how are you's and the conversation lasted less than five minutes. Was this breaking NC?
No, it wasn't.
I'm sure he's taking an interest in my life due to friends saying I've changed for the better so hes been trying to contact me saying hes heard stories about my family and recent events in my life. Do I respond to this with positive reinforcement (Yeah everything is going great I'm doing well) or ignore him?
I heard from his friends that recently he has been smoking a lot and it could be tied with him also rebounding, trying to find distractions and crutches.
He however did lie to his new girlfriends sister saying he was drunk the entire time he was with me, a lie, but I don't know how to deal with this.
More news, our mutual saw him this weekend and said very good things, and my ex ended up messaging me about my personal life and seemed interested and intrigued, he brought me up out of curiosity to his friends and when he heard I had been going on casual dates he got jealous. He reached out to me and I kept space, my greatest fear is that its only to be friends since he said he wants to be friends to his buddies. Tonight I went on his file sharing account to find a background for my desktop that I saved to his computer before and I found out he saved all our pictures to it. He's never kept photos of his exes before but hes keeping ours so I don't know if this means something or not but it was interesting nonetheless.
hey Kevin ..
things are getting more and more complicated .. he said to me that he loves me .. many times .. I was joking at first by acting like an angry child and I said "I don't want to talk to you any more .. I hate you" .. so he said "but I love you" .. I was surprised .. and I didn't respond to this .. so .. he did it many times.. one time it was out of blue .. he told me that he loves me .. I don't think he meant it as "he's in love with me" yet .. because many times when we argue about something he reminds me that we are only friends and I have no right to argue with him about that ..
so .. people in the forum think that I'm being needy again :( .. so idk what to do or how to get rid of this .. I really could use some advice ..and that I've centered my life around him "they may have a point " but I can't help myself when I miss him :( ..
I'm doing now a short NC .. his friend from different city is staying at his place now .. and we both don't want him to find out about us .. so I told him that I'll wait for his calls .. so for the past 2 days .. he did call me and text me .. but yesterday I was sick and I got really bored from staying at bed .. so I called him and told him that .. the connections at his town suck .. so he could not hear me .. and we hang up ..
anyway .. I'm not planning to talk to him till Sunday .. but I'm really worried about being needy or fall in the same mistakes I did before "he told me that I have not changed at all twice when we were arguing and this is scaring me"
what do you think?
I really don't know what to do or how I'm being needy! can you help me?
Mema,
As long as you are thinking of him as the only person you want to spend your life with, you will be needy. The best way to get rid of that neediness will be to do no contact and perhaps start going on dates. Read the Step 4 of the article again.
thanx alot Kevin .. I'll start NC again on Saturday "today he already called me and texted me" .. I'll tell him that I need time for me .. or I'm busy with work.. but I know that he'll contact me ..actually he's being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn't want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn't want to .. he also said I'm important in his life as much as his best friends "he can't live without us" .. so I said I don't like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you're silly .. there's no one like me in my life ..
So .. my questions are ..
for how long should I do NC in this case? "one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here "
If he calls me what should I say?
should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?
I don't want to be rude after what has been going on ..
he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
I'm really worried that he'll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it's been 2 months since the break up now ..
I know I'm asking too much .. but I don't want to do anything wrong at this point ..
thanx again Kevin
Hi Kevin
I wrote to you yesterday and an alert said that it was awaiting moderation.
I’m posting again as I am desperate for your advice. Please help!
My boyfriend (whom I still love) broke up with me last Sat, then asked me to have dinner with him the next day. I went and it was painful as he was adamant about splitting. Before he left we hugged for a long time and he said I still matter to him. He has been texting me everyday to ask how I am but last night he came over to get his things, and to return my things from him house (very final). We talked for about two hours (everything he said between the lines indicated this is IT for him), I kept it light and remained cool and positive even though I was breaking inside. Again, a long hug at the end. I’m now going to start NC after reading your advice, but I have 2 questions please:
1. I’m due to have a surgical procedure done on Dec 15 which he’d agreed to take me to before the split (I’ll be heavily sedated). Will that be breaking NC?
2. His birthday (Dec 24) and Christmas are coming up and I have already bought presents for him. Should I still give them to him – will it make me appear needy and desperate?
I would really appreciate your advice. Thanks so much.
Hey,
1. It's better if you find someone else to help you through the surgery and let him know that you no longer need him. If you can't find someone else, then it's OK to call him.
2. I will recommend against giving him presents
Hi kevin.
After 27 days of no contact i called my wife and told her that i wanted to talk to her. We talked and i act very desperate because i wanted to have the same relation that we had for 5 years. She told me that she needs time. We went out for two days and had sex. She was acting very insignificant with me. The third day she told me that she was going out with another person. My mind start to panic and i got mad and left her at her house. What can i do now...please help
Start over again and this time don't be desperate. There's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4 that you should see before ending no contact.
I would just like to know if there is anybody out there that can say that this method has worked or not? I've read it and it sounds like it's good advice but I don't know if it will work?
Hey Alex,
You can read the testimonials page here. You can also find a few success stories if you go through the comments.
I've tried posting for your advice a couple times and neither of them are on here. In desperate need of help.
Hey Lindsay,
Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don't approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.
I've tried that too and my messages still don't get approved
If you could help me because I didn't get any response from the community that would be greatly appreciated.
About 2 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because we were in fact having problems and fighting over the most stupid things. When he broke up with me he said he wants something to happen again eventually but wants us to grow individually first and find our happiness without each other because we were together for 9 months and in the end we weren’t very happy and fighting a lot. So he suggested we be friends and I tried numerous times but I would mess up and push the relationship on him again. I messed up recently last week and I told him if he doesn’t want anything to happen tell me and he said he did but he’s not ready right now because he doesn’t want our relationship to go right back to fighting if we get back together. He said he’s waiting for me to find my happiness and that he isn’t looking for anyone else. But he said if I cant handle it then I should let him go but I told him I didn’t want to do that and then he said then just be my friend and move on. I said I’m not ready to move on and he said then just be his friend and I told him I’d talk to him when I get myself together. Is it to late to follow how to get your ex back? Is it to late for him to miss me? What should I do? Please help
It's not too late Lindsay. Follow the plan. It should work for you if you learn to be happy without him.
how do i go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex ? contradiction
It means go on dates with people other than your ex.
What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
this happens to me after no contact rules my gf get married in three months time to her is no choice but to move on with other guy.even if she said she always going to love me forever..stupid girl i love her but wtf kind of thinking she had.
Hey,
Your case was certainly an exception. To be honest, I think you are better off without her.
Hi kevin...
I post something this morning and i didn't see it. Please give me your advice. Thank you
It's here.
Hi kevin. I'm almost at the end of the no contact (day 27). She have been calling me restricted everyday and i didn't answer any of her call because i know that is her. Two days ago she called me restricted at 5 am and i answer and said hello three times. Did i brake the no contact rule? Since that day she haven't call me anymore with restricted or anything. Should i send her the text message of the positive moment already or is that some trick she has? What should i do? Thank u for ur help kevin!
I don't think you broke NC. You should contact her when NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Hi Kevin,
2 weeks nc here, and haven't seen my ex in person for 2 months (last time we spoke was through Skype).
I try not to think about him and I do keep busy and make positive changes, but it's weird not having any of his news, he isn't much active anymore on Facebook (which is probably for the best). I know he as a new interest which might be a rebound and I feel like distance is pushing us appart for good and that he has forgotten about me :/. We were together for 4 years
And I just noticed that he deleted some of our pictures on Facebook even if they weren't that many... Does it mean there is no hope and that he has definitely moved on?
:( thanks
Sorry, he changed his settings so that I can't see the pictures he is tagged in.. I'm so desperate why is he doing that suddenly
You shouldn't obsess over these small things. It doesn't mean he is moving on. It doesn't really mean anything. Obsessing over it is not going to help you in any way.
I know.. Thank you Kevin. I have stopped focusing on how long it has been since our last contact and I'm truly learning to be happy without him :) I didn't think I could make it, but positive changes even it they are hard in the beginning to make, are saving me!!
Sometimes I'm unsure as if I want him back and sometimes I still obsess over it but its less and less intense. I think when my mind will be completely clear I will know.
Thanks you so much for your help, I'm planing on waiting till I'm fully recovered (at least one more month of NC) and see if I want to contact him even if I feel that it should come from him after all? I don't want to be the one engaging contact, wouldn't it feel like being needy?
Thanks again :)
It won't be needy if the way you communicate with him isn't needy.
You were such an inspiration to me. Reading through this made me go alot deeper into the way I feel about things. Im definitely going to try this out and see how it works. Keep doing what you do your AMAZING at it!!! Thanks a ton Kevin!!
XOXO
Andy
First, I’m sorry for this long post. But ex gf of 3years broke up with me about 7months ago. We tried to get back together after 2months of the break-up, but she couldn't do it. And honestly, I don’t think I was ready for that myself either. And we tried to move on and didn't talk for several months except few occasions. But few weeks ago, I stopped by her house to drop off some stuff. At the time, she was shocked to see me and told me she's seeing someone. I somehow ended up telling her I've been thinking about her all this time which I wasn't planning at all, and we ended up with making out little bit. Then she pushed me away and told me this is not right. So I went home.
Few days later, she texted me to ask if I’m okay and if I still wanted to meet up and talk. Also she told me that she's not seeing that guy any more. We haven't met up since that night, but we've been casual chatting over text for few weeks. And coupld of nights ago, she started to drunk texting saying she's an a-hole and really selfish by texting me and by telling me that she's druink so it's okay to text me and she'll blame her next morning. And asking me to send selfies and what I was doing that day and stuff. I just basically told her to take care of herself and please go home safely which she did.
Yesterday morning she appologized for what happened a night before and we just casually chatted throughout the day. And today I found myself thinking about her a lot. I care about her so much and if there is any chance, I would try to get back with her. But what I'm afraid of is that I'll reapeat the same thing and I'll be a hot mess again. I just wasn’t sure what that drunk text means. And If I should even consider to try to get back together at this point.
Thanks for your help!
Hey,
I'll suggest you ask her out but don't talk about getting back together straight away. Do it after at least 3-4 dates. Things should work out.
hey Kevin .. it's been a while since I've posted here ..
so you recommend that I should do a second round of NC ..
and I started doing it ..
but my ex is now showing me that he's interested in me ..
he started going to the gym " I was telling him to do this a long time ago" and sending me pictures of him while working .. he's calling me before going to sleep .. and gives me a good night kiss .. he sings songs for me and send them on whatsapp "some of our favourite songs when we were together" .... he even changed his profile picture on whatsapp and he put a picture I love .. and he updatee he's status .. at first he wrote : " this is the impossible love" .. a song in arabic about being in a relationship that you know it'll end soon and you can't do anything to stop it .. and that you should lose hope because your love is impossible .. so I said I didn't loke it .. so he changed it to " you're my moon .. and I'm only human .. even though the moon is far away .. but I'm in love with it " .. and he never asked me to have sex talks anymore. . so .. I replied to him .. I thought it would be rude if I don't .. right?
even sometimes I started the conversation .. we had an argument 3 days ago .. he listened to me .. and calmed down " it was afer 6 hours of arguing and for sometimes he didn't reply to me at all!!" .. but at last he did listen .. he never used to do this ..
so now I'm confused .. after admitting to me that he still has feelings for me .. and after being nice to me .. should I continue the NC .. I know it wasn't a strict NC but Idk .. I feel safe to talk to him.. he hasn't called me today .. or even yesterday at night " no mobile connections at his city " .. but he did apologises to me about that by sending an IM this morning .. when I woke up I sent him to call me .. he got the message but he didn't call! ..
so what do you think Kevin?
should I do a strict NC ?
and should it really be for a whole month?
I'm confused!
Hey Mema,
I still think you can benefit from a strict no contact. However, it's not an absolute necessity right now. If he tries to treat you as a doormat again, then you should definitely do it. Until then, keep yourself scarce. Let him initiate contact most of the time. And try keeping yourself busy and keep making positive changes in your life.
Your message board won't let me in Kevin. It won't accept my username or password. Now what?
Hey,
Are you already registered? If so, please use the forgot my password link below the login button. If you can't registered, use a different email, username and password.
Will the "healing bad memories" and more importantly, "missing you badly" phases still happen if she is in a reabound? We broke up just over a month ago, and I've been following the guidelines recently. 2 days before she made it official with this new guy she contacted me, sending photos of us, and later bringing up the past. She also told me she was fighting coming back due to the hurt. I played it cool when she made the relationship official and didn't give my opinion or talk down on him or her.
Not sure what to do at this point and wondering if those phases will still happen?
Yes, it still happens. Although it happens slower because she doesn't have time to process her emotions.
I found this site a month ago and I was desperate I had done everything wrong I BEGGED I cried etc.. But I honestly did what your site said word for word and it works .. I focused on me went to the gym got new cloths changed me hair and I feel great my ex was texting me like crazy he tried everything to get my attention .. I took him back and he's the one now WORKING to be with me. . I just wanted to share and thank you !
Your comment has given me hope.xx
I feel like I'm at a dead end. My ex split up with her rebound 2 weeks ago and it's been 2 months since we split up, we've had a few nice conversations but every time I ask to meet up as friends she doesn't reply. I don't know how I can get her back without meeting up and I don't know how to start a new conversation with out looking desperate. Part of me thinks I should just straight up ask her if I have a chance at getting her back. What do you think Kevin?
Or to just ask her if we can have a calm and mature talk about "us"?
hey i think girls and ex's in general hate the talking about us - i know where you're at man, i don't know if there is a solution here maybe just cut off communication and get her to chase you by being focussed on your path
surprisingly it kind of worked, she said she will be willing to have a mature talk about things, but we need to do it as friends, its a start!
Hi Kevin,
A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up. It mutual. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything which included telling him I wanted to give things a go again. He said we were better off just being friends but I don't want to give up just yet. I would love to know if I can still get him back because i plan on starting the nc rule today.
Thanks
Yes, you can get him back. Follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
I just read your email about the breakup line "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore", and it left me very perplex.
I believed the breakup happened between my ex and I because of this:
-They are at a point in life where a lot of emotions
and other factors and making them confused about what
they want. Leading them to believe that the relationship
is not for them and they are not in love. Because they think
that if they were in love, they would have been sure about
continuing the relationship.
I'm wondering if the plan can still work in that case and how? Even if its not a exact science I'm wondering what you think about this,
Thank you for your help again!!
Helen x
Yes, it can still work. No contact helps them realize what they want in your life. And it helps you become a better version of yourself to give them more incentive to come back.
Dear Kevin,
its been almost 2 months NCP after the big break up and blocking from all the social media (facebook ,whatsapp, ext..)
could you please advise me what is the next step
- should I go and meet her ?
- a written message?
-keep in NCP?
THANK YOU OUR ANGEL IN ADVANCE :)
Adam
Hey,
If it has been 2 months since you last tried to contact her, send her an email or text. Use the format for hand written letter mentioned in the article.
Hey,
I text her normal text such like hey i was in the same hotel bla bla lol,
she blocked me after she read it , I do understand the she is hurts but she still wont talk to me she never been so Stubborn , any advice I want her i want make things better but no sigen from her not even a single one and she si not in a relation with no one ,
please advice
thank you .
If she is hurt, then you should just give her more time. You should also consider how long you are willing to wait for her. If she doesn't become receptive in another 2 months, then I'll recommend you move on.
Hey does this apply to same sex relationships. I want to get my ex gf back but only have the option of gf getting ex bf back
Hey,
It does work for same sex relationship. Unfortunately, I don't have an email series specifically for same sex relationship. I'll recommend you subscribe to the "Get your Girlfriend Back" email series. It will refer to your ex as she but it'll refer to you as a guy.
Before I write my question, I have to thank you, Kevin, for helping people with such devotion. After I read this article, my heart and soul were freed from a lot of pain and confusion.
I'm convinced that I want to get my ex girlfiend back; I lover her and I really don't have doubts about it. Nevertheless, she's already in a relationship with this guy she met around last september. She told me (yeah, I confronted her at the time) that her new relationship wasn't something serious, at least not for her. But judging by the way they get along (I'm aware of this thanks to certain social network), I'm afraid she lied to me, and I'm sure this new relationship of her is not as casual as she said. I guess she's with him for a number of reasons, but the most important one is that she can meet him at college (her parents are very restrictive with her and don't allow her to go out with frequency, and stuff like that). How does the 5 Step Plan change in my case?
It doesn't change Diego. It's probably a rebound and you should let it run its course.
Kevin,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently ended it when he was in the company of an ex and lied the whole night about it. I tried to contact him but he would cancel the call which lead me to send a ranting abusive messages. It took me 12 hours to get in contact with him by then I had made too many stories up in my head to even see sense. I told him to leave the house which he did then I started doing the calling texting etc and the more I get ignored the more I do it. When his phone goes to voice mail I think im blocked and try everything else (I think im a nut job). So now he said he wants space and I think I have embarrassed myself enough. We have so much planned and I don't want to not be with him hes just a bit of a fool in drink. I have trust issues which he doesn't really make better with how he acts like lying about trivial things. I always contact his as I panic he will meet someone else which I don't think I could handle right now.
Not sure what to do?
Follow the plan Louise.
Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up about a week ago with him initially saying it was a break.
He told me he still loved me but felt unhappy and overwhelmed.
Later telling our mutual friends he broke up with me because my comparing him to my ex and complaining about his mother became annoying. I only compared him to my ex because I was afraid of being hurt in the same way, and I never dealt with such a controlling mother as his but know I overstepped my boundaries.
He told me we might completely break up, he doesn't know the outcome, we might need to work on being friends first, and that he needs to focus on himself.
But he told me to Facebook message him and I did, he told me again he loved me but the next day told me not to say it anymore and not to call him pet names so we can work on being friends for now to "see where it goes" and then he got advice from an elderly mutual friend of ours to ignore me which he didn't want to do but is doing now because he believes she is wise.
So he has initiated no contact, which I'm assuming he plans to hold for this entire week of Thanksgiving while he is away with family. I ran into him Thursday and tried to convince and almost beg him to return but since then have stopped talking. I don't want to be his friend and made this clear, and at the same time he said he has faith in us and loves me but it might be healthy to date other people and that some people are just meant to not work out.
A lot of our mutual friends are saying he probably needs a breather.
What can I do and do you think we stand a chance? What do you think is going through his mind?
Follow the Plan Aly. He does need some space.
Kevin,
What do I do if he's spearheading the no-contact rule and it's all in his hands?
And I'm sure he is thinking that I am still crying everyday, complaining, and comparing, how can I convey to him that I am not while we are in no-contact without rushing to try to convince him/beg/plead/push him?
It doesn't matter who started no contact. The primary aim of no contact is for you both to have some space and work towards becoming a happier confident person. You don't have to convey anything to him right now. If you make changes in your life, it'll show after no contact is over.
After 2 weeks of no contact I saw him today when passing by and he hugged me, later I focus out he was back with his ex (far younger and they were only together for a month in the past, his mother made them break up due to age difference). My friend asked him why he didn't tell me especially since two weeks ago he said he had faith/loved me but just needed space. And he said we were broken up and he didn't feel like he had to tell me. I unintentionally ran into him again later, played dumb like I didn't know they were together, asked him to talk to which he said "later" (and it didn't happen) and he went to talk to her, later I saw him (we were with many mutual friends and we were civil but he was distant and seemed like he didn't like me or want to be around me all of a sudden and he ended up leaving.
I texted him later saying it would be fair to talk and he ignored it and is continuing to ignore me.
What can I do and do you believe he's rebounding or if I have anything to worry about?
I don't know how to go about getting him back especially when he's always with her now and I see him frequently now due to mutual friends and living so close. And should I restart a month of NC and would it work in this situation?
If you have not finished no contact, then you should restart it after this. It's probably a rebound. You should try to avoid him as much as possible and if you see him, just treat him as an acquaintance and keep the conversations as short as possible.
Hi Kevin I left a comment and don't know if you have answered it I can't find it ;(
Hey Jillian,
The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your comment on the message boards. We have a very supportive community here.
My ex is very smart, she contacts me the moment I resort to moving on approx 3o days after I stopped contact. We broke up because of distance as she moved away for work. I had previously offered to visit her but she did not seem too excited and thought it would be too daunting to spend a weekend together. Now it appears the tables have turned slightly as she is communicating with me and I have made it clear that we need to talk but she has not really responded yet to that suggestion. I really do not like staying in touch if there is no chance for a future as I have very strong feelings for her and I believe she does for me as well. The problem is this neediness game and it just appears like sea saw going from me to her here and there. Can't there be an actual consensus and openness that translates into YES let's get back together...I have done most of the things stated, such as working out hard, going on dates here and there, but none of it seems to bring me to where I am level headed.
After a while, you will have to have the talk and give her an ultimatum. Either get back together or cut contact forever.
yes, had the talk she said she wasn't ready now and considered us finished but didn't see any harm in saying hello - i said we had to cut contact after trying to somehow make it work - it was very tough to do but she agreed to it, I don't feel good about it but i guess that's life
Hi I would just like to know does this work for ex bfs that were in the military and have ptsd? He won't see anyone and has turned into a completely different person and broke up with me a few months back but still contacts me all the time what should I do I don't want to be his friend I still love him and cry over him all the time. Should I do the no contact.... Thank u
Hey,
He needs professional help and there's a good chance it'll work once he sorts out his PTSD. I think you should recommend him to get professional help and do no contact. Let him know it's hard for you to stay in contact with him and you need time and space to deal with the breakup.
hi thank u for replying I have asked him too he says he would be weak if he does I was with him two years and he was wonderful he is such a different person he barely ever calls but texts me all the time and asks if I'm ok, he never wants to see me or do anything then another minute he's fine I've tried doing the no contact I got through like three days lol and he will keep texting me asking if I'm alrite so I always reply because I don't want to add more stress on him..... I'm just very confused and like I said before I don't want to be his friend and I've told him that but at the same time I can't stop replying to him....what advice do u have to make It through the no contact if he's always texting .... Thanks again
Just tell him before starting no contact. Tell him you need some time and space and won't be replying to him anymore. And then stop replying to his messages. He will stop eventually.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 1/2 years. We broke up August 31. For two months after the break-up I didn't abide by the rule of no contact. We FaceTimed a few times and I texted him almost daily. As of the 15th of this month I've started no contact, so I can recover and gather myself in time to see him in person again around the same time next month.
Do I still have a chance at a new relationship with him even though I was late to go along with no contact?
P.S. Your emails are great. :)
Yes, you do have a chance. All the best.
This is the worst time of my life. My ex broke up with me about 8 months ago. I have never been so hurt like this before. I can't stop thinking about him.iam madly in love with him. The reason he broke up with me he said I was cold towards him. Wouldn't let him help me when I had problems. I pushed him away and now I've lost him. I haven't slept I refuse to eat. I told him how I feel. He said we are finished and it's over for good get it in my head. He is not in a relationship with anyone. He told me he care for me and he has feelings but is trying to block them out and he said all he wants from me is to be friends that's it nothing else. I told him I can never be friends with someone who I am Madley in love with. He didn't reply. He int hardly getting back to my text. He comes around every weekend to pick our son up. We get on really well. And he said if I wasn't such a twat he still be with us now. I have tried the no contact. But only last for 3 days. I can't let go of him. He's our life. I absolutely love this man and it's killing me being away from him. Please me and my kids need him .It's Christmas soon and I want him back my children are devested that he is no longer here. Please help
Hey Kelly,
Unfortunately, the only thing that will help is no contact. The only way to get him back is to stop being needy and learn to be happy without him. If you are finding it difficult to cope with no contact, I'd recommend you seek therapy.
I have a new number and I think my ex has got one as well. Do you think now we can't contact each other by text. I will only see him when he gets our son. Do you think we can get back together ??
Yes, I think there's still a chance if you can follow the plan.
Thanks so much Kevin. Your help is appreciated. Thanks for giving me advice :)
after reading your guide . it helped me so much and although the road was tough.
i am now back with my ex and feelings are so much stronger this time round .
thank you so much
Was it worth the wait bro?
The wait is the hardest part . but you have to keep to NC . just over a month with NC .we spoke and my ex missed me . Have faith and keep to this guide dude
What did you do when you got back on talking terms to convince your ex? I've just got back to having 1 or 2 friendly chats with my ex, she's coming up with excuses not to meet up, but I think that's cus maybe she still likes me.
My ex was exactly the same . Didnt want to mee me. So i left her with NC. i didnt suggest NC . I just looked after number 1.
Hey Kevin,
I've been trying not to contact my ex. But what he did is start messaging me the next day and tell me that " I can see that you moved on :') " but I didnt. what should I do? Or reply him :(
If you want, you can send a message telling him you need some time and space.
Hello,
I wrote yesterday but I don't see it on here. My ex and I broke up in July. He said he did not love me as much as he use to. He deleted me from Facebook which he had never done before and that devastated me. He said the reason he was doing that was because he loves me but needed space. so I went from July to September with no contact. I saw him at a BBQ in September and treated him like everyone else, but he could not even look at me. In October I reached out and said hope you are doing well. He said I am doing good and that was it. Then 2 days later he Facebook friend requested me. I sent him a few funny pictures here and there got no response. Then I sent him a trailer 2 weeks ago for a movie I thought he would like. He responded with a thumbs up. I sent one back . Then we sent each other funny stickers (we were using Facebook chat) the last sticker he sent me was a cat holding a sign saying sorry. After that I tried to reach out each week and got nothing. Yesterday I sent something got nothing. I realized he still has my key so I wrote him saying "I was trying to find my keys in my purse and I realized he still has them lol I shall need those back " Got no response. I don't know what to do. Everyone saids I don't have a chance. I need help what should I do? and can this work? he is the only man I want
Hey Kristin,
He is cold even after 3 months of no contact. In my opinion, you will be better off if you decide to move on. You can try to pursue him more but it'll be an uphill battle. If you do decide to do so, I'd recommend you do no contact all over again for 2-3 months and text him.
I won't give up I want him back so I will try the more nc we were together for 4 years . Why won't he respond about my key? Do you think he still cares I know right after we broke up he admitted to not being himself for a long time.that he has been depressed. What do you think of the sorry the last thing he put? He is worth it to mw
Do you think if I do yours and Ryan's plan it will work?
There's a chance it might work. But like I say in the article, there are no guarantees.
Thanx for your advice Kevin ..
well things started to get really difficult and different since he got back to his city .. at the first 2 days he was amazing .. and pretty nice to me .. but now .. he hasn't spoken to me since 2 days .. he's avoiding me .. I called him the last night ( actually I wasn't calling .. I was just checking if he's phone is off .. because I sent him a message but didn't get the delivery report .. so I called and he picked up immediately).. he said that he will talk to me on whatsapp because he can't talk .. I said ok .. later .. he was online .. so I talked to him .. he told me that he doesn't have to talk to me every time he's online!! .. and he didn't want to talk to me .. I said but you're the one who told me you wanted to talk .. he said that he'll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok ..
he did not talk to me yesterday .. today I woke up .. he was online and he sent a message saying he's sorry but yesterday he was tiered and he went to sleep directly .. so I responded : " thank you for not telling me that yesterday .. Is there anything wrong? .. I feel like you are avoiding me :( " .. he said : "that's enough! " .. and he went offline! !!!!!
I'm really frustrated .. upset and confused .. idk what's happening or what sould I do anymore :( ..
what do you think Kevin?
Hey Mema,
It's hard to say what is going on with him. If I had to guess, you pushing him and being needy is driving him away. Like I said before, you need to do a little bit of no contact again and stop being so needy if you want him back.
Thanks Kevin .. I'll start NC again .. but how should I ask him for this .. without hurting him or pushing him further away?
Don't ask him anything. If he contacts you, tell him you need some space and time for now and stop answering him after that.
ok .. I'll .. but yesterday we talked .. he told me he still has feelings for me but he's not excited about getting back together ..so I said that I feel the same .. and the problems we had didn't kill our feelings towards each other but we reached a point where the pain was larger than the love .. and he agreed with me ..
and said that he did not forget about us .. and that if he did he won't be talking to me now .. and that he can never forget me this easy .. but this doesn't mean that we should get back together ! ..
and I'm the perfect girl .. and he'll never ever find anyone like me :( ..
how should I change this?
and how can I make him excited again about getting back together and I want this to be his idea not mine :(
should I follow the RR .. and if I should .. what stage do you think I'm in?
or should I do NC .. and if I should for how long should I do it?
Hey Mema,
Like I said before, I'll recommend NC. At least for one month, preferably 2-3 months.
ok .. I'll do my best .. thanx alot Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I read your article and advice and it was very helpful so .I signed up for Relationship Rewind site but I am not getting the same I am unable to find something I need to know right now. As I did all the mistakes and She told me to not contact her again and she got married 17 of last month.I did not contacted her ever since and I was hopeless until I read your article and all signs were as she is going into rebound relationship like she got engaged very quickly and their relationship building was extra fast. its been month now, today she messaged me saying Hi. I have not replied to her text yet.I wants to know what shall I do now? Please help me to get her back with advice.
Many thanks
J Abbas
Hey,
To be honest, if she is married, then you are better off moving on and not replying to her anymore. Even if it is a rebound, you will be entering a lot of unnecessary drama and complications by trying to pursue a married girl. It'll much easier to find someone else.
Thanks for getting back , What if she asked me after early stages of her marriage that if her relation will not work with her husband than she will contact me and asked If I will accept her.
Tell her she contact you once she gets a divorce and if you are single at that time, you will consider. But you will not be a part of her life as long as she is married.
Thanks
Please a little bit light would be great :(
Is it a rebound if after a 4 year relationship, ex bf friend starts to be interested/and dating a girl he met out of the blue whilst he was drinking and partying to cope with the break up?
Break up happened 2,5 months ago and he met her 2,5 months ago... Told me that he feels good with her at the moment and doesn't know where it will lead, he decided to tell me that out of the blue, to "help me move on..."
NC is all I have left to help myself
Also, I though about deleting him from Facebook but we have about 50 common friends and I want him to see how good am doing latter on when I'm healed.
Should I just remove myself from Facebook for a month to not obsess over him?
Thanks !
Yes, it's probably a rebound. If you find yourself obsessing over his facebook status and pictures, then you should remove him. If not, then there's no need.
Thank you Kevin,
I also don't understand why he would tell me this and then add things like:
"I won't tell you her name (so that I don't check her on facebook) but she is normal looking not prettier than you" and also "maybe its a rebound I don't know where it will lead"
Its killing me that he is saying those things without me asking and also pissing me off, what would you thing about those statements?
Thanks for your help, I don't know where I stand but all your work is helping me getting better :)
He is giving you hope because he doesn't want you to move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
This make sense.. He could have told me that ages ago, but he kept saying things like he will wait for some time and see how he feels towards me in the future. (whilst telling me to not hold to this and to move on...)
Obviously he didn't as he met this girl, but he then said that he didn't tell me earlier because he though I would find someone else anyway in the meantime and that then he would have told me.. That makes NO sense. He keeps begging me to hate him, to block him from social media, to forget about him, yet if that's what he wanted, he could have said that thing about that girl ages ago in order for me to hate him and HE could have blocked me and stop answering me. Apparently he didn't sleep all night before deciding to call me and tell me that.
I also wanted to add that after saying that to me, he cried a lot, told me he couldn't move on nor live normally, that everything reminded him of me (can't watch some series nor listen to some music anymore) and that he couldn't spend a day without wondering how I was doing, that it needed to stop and that he needed to start living like a normal person.
I am just amazed, how is that a situation in which you would want to start seeing someone new?? It's killing me and I'm also mad that he though that after 4 years I would want to find someone else that fast (he said that so many people fancy me he though I would.. WTH, on what planet is he living?) T_T
What do you think? You always manage to put sense in my head and help me carry on with a 2 sentence reply so thank you so much..
Helen x
His reaction to the breakup is very common. And so is yours. I think the best way to maximize the chances of reconciliation is to follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago. I was blind sided and did the begging and pleading and got her to be friends with me which was her idea for 2 months.
My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
The friendship was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
After 2 months she slowly started deleting things from our relationship on Facebook.
Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I’m sorry.
Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?
I'm on day 20 and do realize I truly love her and want her back, will following your plan work after I messed things up?
There's still a chance Oscar and it's worth trying. But always be prepared for the possibility that it might not work.
Thanks Kevin, My 30 day no contact period ends in a week. I plan on texting her a few days after. How long should I text her before making the call to ask her for coffee? What if I text her and she ignores me?
It depends on her reaction to your texts. If she is warm, you can ask her out after a week or so. If she isn't you will have to wait a couple of week to a month. If she ignores you, wait a couple of weeks and try again.
I've been blocked on whats app, viber , skype and even my phone number . I called her and even went to Berlin to see her . She used to beg me to see her . The only thing I can do is email her and possibly text her . I don't see get or destiny of meeting her by accident happening as I live in London and she in Berlin . I went to her work even wrote her letter . I have no choice but to not contact her as have exhausted . I want closure and she won't give it as I want to confront face to face . I called her like a mad man as was afraid she met another man. I'm doomed and so what if I stop contacting her because the phone is not going to work . How can see her and sit and talk to her and be attractive even on following your rule ? I have to stop contacting her but I'm in a destructive cycle . This is clearly and extream case messed up on the phone and distance does not help as well as being silent from her side it's quite a pain and stake in the heart of theses facts against me . So?
Hey Salman,
You need a couple of months of no contact. There are a lot of ways to meet and contact her once no contact is over. Don't worry about that just yet. Just start doing no contact and do what the article says in step 2 and 3.
Hey Kevin,
My apology letter worked well, she said it was lovely and it reminded her of some "cute times" we had together. She said it'd be nice to see me some time, I casually replied and said itd be nice if we met up. She seems a little too ok with the breakup so I don't know what's going on
Hey Luke,
Can you please tell me what did you follow in writing the letter? I want to write a letter to my gf but do not know how and I do not want to make it worse.
Hey, here are the things i covered:
i started by apologizing for my behavior after the breakup, then i said "i understand why you just want to be friends and i accept that". Then i apologized for one thing i did in the relationship before telling her how i've realized i need to be happier and more confident. I finished it off with some small talk which included happy memories. Basically do a quick sincere apology without bringing up all the things you did in detail, don't seem desperate and bring up good memories. Whatever you do don't seem like you want to get back together, just think of it as a message to an old friend. If you do it as well as i did you'll have a chance to meet up like i now do :) good luck!
Different people deal with breakups differently. Don't overthink it. Just follow the plan. All the best.
Hi Kevin,
I wrote to you about a week ago. I was following the no contact rule, but I explained when I wrote that my ex and i work together.
Yesterday was my first day back at work with him and the break room was packed except for where he was, which is where I sat when we were together. I sat by him and said we didn't have to talk there was just nowhere else to go.
We wound up talking and he said he misses me. I told him i miss him too.
Toward the end of the day i realized he had something of mine in his locker.
I waited at the end of the day to ask him for it. He gave it to me and we walked to our cars together. We talked a little about work. He brought up how his son has been asking about me, and a we talked about his son for a little. Then he said "you haven't been texting me..." And looked kind of upset. I just said, he said he needed his space, so I was giving him that, and to be fair i told him he wasn't texting me either. We hugged when we said goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did. We talked well and even exchanged "good night" texts.
This morning we walked into work together and everything went fine. He even told me i could leave my things in his locker again.
I left early for a doctor appointment and left him a note (which I did any time i left early when we were dating, and he still had ALL of them in there) telling him to have a great day and signed it with my name and a heart.
I texted him at lunch time to ask how his day was going and got no response. I sent one more right before his lunch break was over to say I was sorry if I said too much and that if he had time and wanted to text me later, he could. If not, we'd catch up.
I'm wondering if maybe I overstepped even though he seemed excited to want to talk with me again.
If he doesn't say anything the rest of today and tomorrow when we both have off, I'm going to begin the no contact period again. I'm hoping i didn't blow it.
You shouldn't have ended no contact so soon. Start again. Even if he says something today or tomorrow, tell him you need space and start no contact.
Hello Kevin, I have been using your plan for a few weeks. I am in no contact but every once and a while I see her because we have a lot of mutual friends. When we see each other I usually say hi and that's about it but she acts very hostile in that it seems as though she is very uncomfortable around me. Is this a bad thing and should I do something about it?
Not a bad thing. You don't need to do anything. Just continue the plan.
thank you kevin very beautiful article . thanks for the efforts
Hay Kevin
I did all the mistakes and now my ex gf blocked me on almost everything she only left watsapp about a couple days ago saying she don't love me no more. But we had a serious relationship and I'm not sure if I can get her back you got any ideas??
Follow the plan Raymus.
Thanks Kevin,
By the way should I make the first move or wait for her to txt me first also I feel that I should txt her now I'm more emotionally stable.
If NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4, then you should contact her.
Hi Kevin, really hope you can help me! I have looked down all the comments and I can't find a post that is the same as my situation really..
So my boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago.. We have 1 child together and I have a child from a previous relationship who he has brought up as his own, when we broke up he said he wanted to remain friends and we were often talking and laughing, he helped me get my car fixed and we was on good terms, since then we have had a few bitter arguments and he basically told me he didn't love me or feel anything about me or the relationship... He is always blowing hot and cold, sometimes not contacting me for days and then he will suddenly text me asking too come see the children and then try to initiate conversation, he even asks jokeling if I can make his tea when I am making ours, then he wil just suddenly not reply to my texts, he is now seeing somebody knew and told me he didn't mention it because its not my business what he does as we are no longer together but made sure his cousin slipped it in to convo so that I knew.... He always slipped up that he was looking on my Facebook through a friend the other day... I'm at a total loss as to where we are in terms of Ryan's book (deaths door or drift) and sometimes I feel like he could be at the indifference stage as he often says he feels nothing anymore apart from I'm the mother of his child and he respects me for that,
I have now started no contact I just wondered where you think we are (deaths door, drift or indifference) and if you think we could salvage the relationship? I also can't have full no contact due to him picking up the children twice a week but if o keep convo short and about the children could this still work?
Really hope to hear from you soon! Thanks :)
You are at death's door. You should do no contact. And yes, no contact will work with children if you keep convo short and only about children.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I dated for 4 months and we are both in our mid 20s. He just broke up with me recently saying that he is unhappy and that we are not a good match because we have nothing in common and we fight often. These reasons don't make much sense to me because they are not completely true. We have some things in common, we argue sometimes about very minor issues that can be easily resolved, and he has told me before that he is happy with me and takes me seriously. We always have a good time together, and he was very intimate with me even the night before he broke up with me. He has told me before that he doesn't know what happiness feels like, and that he is always content with things. This was more of a general comment than a specific one towards our relationship. During our breakup he was being very cold and didn't want to answer my calls, kept insisting that it was not working out and we had to go our separate ways, and that it was done. Him and I don't share any mutual friends and I have no way of knowing what he is going through during the "No Contact" period. I have always had certain trust issues and I did bring those over into our relationship, but I am working on that and don't wan to lose him over my own insecurities. Even though we were together for a short while, I still felt a great connection with him and felt so blessed to have him in my life as a significant other. I don't want to lose him over things that I believe can be worked out. Do you think this program is going to work for me? If so, is there anything you would change for my specific situation. I am very broken hearted and would greatly appreciate your input.
Anna
Hey Anna,
Yes, the program might work for you. But I'll recommend you don't invest too much in him. Just try the no contact period once. Contact him. If he's cold, then move on. 4 months is a short amount of time and it'll be easy for you to walk away right now and invest in someone who is more willing to invest in you.
So... what if we have a teenager together who desperately requires co-parenting? How exactly does this no contact situation apply then?
I've written about it here.
hi Kevin ..
well.. my ex is coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or wear something completely new?
and one more thing .. he's gonna be here for 3 days .. well .. we were talking yesterday .. we were very happy .. and had alot of amazing time .. but at last .. I adked him if he's gonna see me when he comes .. he said yes .. then .. I told him that we should met every day because he has to pay me back for not seeing me the last time he was here .. so he said ok .. we will meet .. but not every day .. he's going to see all his friends at the first day .. I said that he can see them .. but it's not necessary to meet them all at his first day here .. he said he likes doing this .. and he'll meet them all at the first day and he'll meet me the next day .. and he was really angry .. he said I'm too demanding :( .. and we ended up fighting .. and I told him I'm not happy .. and that he really bothered me .. because whenever he wants something I do my best to do it for him .. but when I want something he doesn't care !! ..so he said that I'll never learn from my previous mistakes and I'm not gonna change ..
we didn't solve this argument .. and I'm not planning on talking to him this time !!
what should I do in this case?
should i call him to check if he's arrived?
or completely ignore him till he calls me? ..
Mema,
My suggestion is the same a.z on the boards, you need time and need to make yourself scarce.
so you think I shouldn't contact him and do another month of NC? ..
but I'm really feeling down and sad :( ..
this might be his last visit to my city :(
I want to meet him so bad :( ..
I feel like he's afraid of meeting me because he still have feelings for me :( .. that's why he started this argument out of no where :( ..
or that he's just being mean :(
idk .. I feel lost .. I finally got a chance to be his friend and hes ruining it by doing this !!
I told him that if he respects me and he think of me as his friend he should contact me at least .. but he didn't .. :(
I feel like I'm his last interest in life and that he's just having fun and I'm on his hook :( .. and he doesn't care about me .. or respect me anymore :(
hi Kevin ..
ok .. so .. he called me after sending him that message .. saying that he has to go somewhere at 5pm and he’ll meet me after that ( I found out that he was at one of our mutual friend’s house ) .. so at 7pm .. we met .. at first he was uncomfortable and cold ..he didn’t agree on going to the place we usually go to .. so we walked .. then we were talking .. I was teasing him and making jokes about his behaviour .. so he asked me to stop .. I didn’t .. and he was laughing .. then he hugged me saying that he missed me and we were too close so he kissed me :$
we ended up making out :$ ..
I know that was stupid of me .. but I really miss him ..
so .. I told him that I hope this won’t effect our friendship .. and actually I was shocked of his answer .. he said that he always thought that we’ll work as friends with benefits !!!!!!!
I was totally shocked .. I mean .. I thought this meant to him as much as it meant to me :(
he always says that he do this with his special girl ..
and idk why he did it with me!!!
he said it feels right .. and it won’t effect our friendship :(
so ..after that we went to have dinner. .. at last he said that he feels nostalgic whenever he comes to my city .. and everything remind him of me .. and he missed me alot and that he’s really happy that we met .. and the next time he’ll come .. we will spend all the time together .. and he kissed me and gave me a big hug ♡
what do you think?
are we really going to be friends with benefits? .. I don’t want this .. I want him back as my bf .. I hate this kind of relationship !!! :(
It's a terrible idea to be friends with benefits. If I recall correctly, you didn't want to have sex before marriage. Why is he assuming you will have sex with him without being in a relationship with you? Nevertheless, don't agree to his demands. He can sense you are needy and desperate and is trying to use your desperation to his advantage. The only work around to this is to stop being desperate and learn to be happy without him. That's why I recommended more no contact.
That's right .. but he means that he can kiss me and make out with me .. nothing more .. we did thos when we were together.. and I think it was kind of my odea when I called him at the first time .. to use this as an ice breaker .. but I don't want to ruin my chances .. and I want to let him down easy .. and keep our false friendship ..
and what do you think about the date in general?
does he have any feeling for me?
or he was just being nice?
He has feelings for you. If this is the extent of physical intimacy you can provide while being in a relationship, I wouldn't recommend you even make out with him. If you do, he'd have no reason to commit. He already knows you are obsessed over him and will not start a relationship with someone else, he can have physical intimacy with you and he can date other girls and doesn't have any responsibility that comes with a relationship. He has feelings for you, but he also knows he has power over you and he can use it whenever he wants.
Hi Kevin,
I'm just wondering, why do you recommend 30 days of NC and not 21 days NC? One of your emails said that 3 weeks is the peak of when your ex is missing you badly, so wouldn't you want to send a text/email at that point?
Also, you say the 'missing you badly' stage usually peaks around 3 weeks... is this post break up, or after I start NC?
My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, but I only started NC one week ago... Unfortunately I texted him too much, I did all of the wrong things after we broke up and just found your website one week ago.
Does this mean he's already past the 'missing me badly' stage, or will it take place a few weeks from now?
Thanks in advance Kevin!
It's usually after you start no contact. The 30 days is just a guideline. The checklist at the beginning of Step 4 above provides a more comprehensive guideline on when to end no contact.
Hi Kevin
My ex sent me a gift certificate for my bday. She also texted me to wish me happy bday. Her bday is coming up. Should I give her a gift as well? She said that she felt lonely sometimes, but she always said this when we were together.
A text is okay. I don't usually recommend sending a gift to an ex. But since she gave you a gift, I think it'll be okay as long as it's not too much expensive.
If you are not able to reply to my comment, can you kindly send me back what I wrote you and I will add to the message boards? Thanks!
I replied to you here.
Hey Kevin,
I read this article (And most of the others on the site) about a month and a half ago. I just ended the NCP on Wednesday and followed all the guidelines you established for restarting contact. I got absolutely no response, not even the hostile sort. How would you recommend I proceed from here?
If you want the details of the relationship I'd be more than happy to give them as well
Chris.
Hey Sherlock,
I would recommend wait 2 weeks and send a message.
Hi,
I followed all the steps and was sooooo surprised when my ex, who lives abroad, asked if he can come to visit :) He seemed to be super excited about that idea and wanted to take a plane just the upcoming week. But... the next day he suddenly said, he cannot come, cause he is really busy. Didn't mention any new dates, I do not wanna push.. I am totally confused :/
Do not push him. Do no contact for another month and contact him again.
I come back on the website to check to see if you replied to my post, but I see you responding to everyone else's post...
Hey Christine,
I am sorry but the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of comments. Since answering comments take a lot of time, I started the message boards where anyone can ask a question and get help from the community.
Hey guys. Just wanted to drop a comment and say after 2 and a half months I got my ex back. She broke up with me and started dating someone else. This article is the best advice and it really is the truth. Just follow the plan, have confidence in yourself, and don't give up! If I can do it so can anyone else! Goodluck to all and thank you Kevin.
Thanks for the comment dude. All the best. :)
I have been thinking bout my ex a lot lately we haven't talked in 2 months no contact and I messaged her today I told her I was sorry for the past and that something I seen reminded me of her all of a sudden she had a family emergency and said she would talk to me later should I message her later or wait to see if she does which I doubt will happen ??
Wait a week. If she doesn't message you, text her again.
Hey kevin, i would really like to thank you as you emails are a big help to me. I also wanted to ask you...that i just shifted houses and all her stuff is in one box which i kept aside. Should i have it delivered to her house or not? Please help.
If she asks for it, then do it. If she doesn't, let it be there.
Can I send my ex flowers before the 30 day no contact period is over let's say it's been 2-3 weeks. And would this be a good first time form of communication with her
No flowers or gifts of any kind until you both are on the verge of getting back together or are already back together.
Hi Kevin, i want to thank you because all of the emails really helped me through my situation. In the past day i've realized i deserve better than my ex, her new boyfriend can have her! Plenty more fish in the sea, and i know i wouldn't be feeling this way right now if it wasn't for the self improvement advice!
That's great Luke. All the best. :)
Hi Kevin,
I recently lost the best thing in my life. My gf was amazing and yet im scared I have relised it too late. Everything has been great and we were so happy together. We went out for her friends bday and a guy she has history with was there. I had a few to drink and he had told my gf that I was going around telling everyone that my GF is understanding when im out with girls and flirting with girls. I have no idea where that came from and so in my drunken state I confronted him. He got defensive and we ended up scrapping. I got the better of him but ended up worse by the doorman involved. Since then my GF has ended things and wont even really allow me a chance to prove my worth.
I am scared right now as I know I can be the one for her and dont want her to throw this away. Obviously I dont want to come across needy and pushy so im just scared what to do. We had been together for 2 years and she has completely erased me from her life.
Thanks
Hey Kevin,
what if my ex broke up with me, because I apparently I didn't show much or enough interest in visiting him (it was long distance relationship) and he felt like he was boring me and I generally wasn't committed enough? On the one hand he told me I'm the most understanding and lovely person he has ever known and that I shouldn't blame myself for anything, on the other hand he is convinced of all the above. Although I really miss him, I can deal with not contacting him but wonder whether that would just prove his point...
Also he is saying, he needs to sort himself out and while I respect that, I am also quite worried about him and would like him to know, that I'm here there for him but don't want to push him either.
I'm looking forward to your answer
Tell him that you won't be contacting him as you both need some time. After that stay no contact and follow the plan.
Hi Kevin,
I sent you a message a few days ago but, to date, I have not seen my comment published or received an answer from you.
You may have reasons for not responding (???) but I would like to hear your expert advice on my current problem. Many thanks.
Hey Mark,
The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of them. You should post on the message boards. You will get an answer much faster and the community here is very helpful.
Hey Kevin,
I did as you said. Wrote out my post once again and posted on the message board under 'Reconciliation'. One week later....no replies! Nothing, zilch, zero.
What a waste of time!!
Sorry about that Mark. I have replied to your forum post.
My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me over a month ago and I did the no contact rule for 30 days and it seems to be working. He wanted nothing to do with me and now we're having friendly text convos and he says he wants to hang out with me over Christmas break. I really want him back so how can I make him want me again if I hang out with him
Just be confident when you hang out. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don't show any signs of neediness.
i really love this and I'm glad i read it especially the no contact rule. I think i should try it and see.
As I was reading others comment about their situation, they were very detailed. I felt that I was not, so here is a little background info to help you answer futher my last comment. My ex and I were together on and off for about a year and a half. I broke up with him, and he started dating another girl to try to get over me. When I found out and he tries to come back to me, I told him to go be w/the other girl. So he went back to her, I went back running.. you get the picture. There were times when he would take her out places and not me! Eventually I told him to leave me alone and don't text me! Four months later,(Mind you, Changed my hair color/style, new job, gymlife, drew myself closer to God, went on dates here and there. I was good) I texted him a funny pic and the convo went on from there. While we were texting, every time I sent a text he would text back 1 minute later. He asked me out for lunch and eventually we went. What talked about what we been up to and he mention about his rebound relationship saying "That door didn't stay open for long." It was nice, just two friends catching up. After the date, we text here and there. During the NO Contact rule I barely thought about him. Now that I do, I realize I'm not over him! What do I do?
Love Love this!!!! As I was reading the steps, I was wondering if I could still use this for my current situation. My ex and I have been broken up for a year now, but we continued to mess around, even when he was in a rebound relationship. A little while after I started the No Contact rule for 4 Months. I then texted him and during the conversation he asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and after that we have been texting here and there. What do I do now?
Continue texting and hanging out. He will probably make a move after some time.
Sometimes it is hard to hang out with him because he is always busy. I dont like to always ask him to hang out when he says, "Oh I can't because blah.." but if I wait on him to ask me out again I might be waiting for forever. And also while we were at lunch he mentioned how he cant trust girls anymore because of his past relationships and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at this moment, I kinda said to myself that he was giving me a heads up and to tell myself that we should just be friends and maybe go back to being best friends like we were before I don't want to but it looks like I have no choice.
Hi, so...
I've bought Relationship Rewind and I'm at the point where I give both of us some space to breathe and become rational. I am already emotionally stable and though it is still early into the process, I have this underlying fweling he won't contact me when "he is ready." So what do I do then? I know you are not the one who made Relationship Rewind, but I don't know how to enter into the "False Friendship" if he does not contact ME first, as the ebook instructs. Any ideas as to what to do if this does end up happening...?
If he doesn't contact you first, you contact him after no contact period is over. Use the texts or letter mentioned in the above article to get back in touch.
I just want to say this article is so true - it's helping cope with my break up as we speak- its indeed the hardest thing to do with the NO CONTACT - like just the other nite I saw my ex with this girl - my friends and I were out drinking... And he and this girl was at the bar too.. I payed no attention to them cause I try to follow the rule of the no contact - it was recking ball when I saw them together but I put on my happy face - and then it's not like she was worth it ./. I was more than happy I went out with my friends - I had a great time after all- thnks Kevin -
So my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday saying I was the perfect girlfriend but he just wasn't ready for a commitment (he moved onto me to fast he said). When I asked if there will ever be a chance in getting back together he said "I don't want to give you that hope'
I started getting into the picture after he broke up with a VERY serious girlfriend and she moved out, they were a toxic relationship where she cheated on him constantly. COULD I OF BEEN THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIP?
We went through a lot to be together though, he was my older brothers close friend and my brother said no but we had such a connection that we did it anyway. He was the first guy I've ever trusted after I got raped and after my dad beat me, he knows that too. I was saving myself for marriage but I gave myself to him after a week because it felt so right.
He said he can't imagine his life without me and neither can I, we love each other but we were never in love. We didn't have the time but we spoke very seriously about the future and even a family.
We still are best friends so I'm nervous about the 30 no contact rule.
He wants me as a best friend but I still desperately want him as a boyfriend.
I want him back very badly, we had a perfect relationship we were only ever happy with each other and fights would last a max of 3hrs
What should I do???
You should follow the plan Katherine. You need to do the no contact period and you need to learn to live a life and be happy without him. That's the best way to get him back.
Hey Kevin, I have subscribe to the emails and have been doing no contact for atleast 2 weeks, she have tried to contact me during the 1st week of no contact, I have not responded. The second time she contacted me was on its 2nd week, I have responded as what you suggest but no personal and emotional respond. She told me that she is miserable right now, but I am confused, not sure if its because of our breakup or because she have no chance with the new guy that she said she's ""falling inlove with"" I do not want to contact her anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Do you think its because she is still not over me? Why do she need to contact me just to talk about that guy! Please advice my friend
She seeks approval and emotional support. Don't give it to her.
Thanks Kevin!
I messed up doing no contact when I responded to her, I still showed depression and signs of neediness. She wanted us to be friends even though she knew I was hurting. I don't understand.
Don't be friends with her if you are hurting. Take time off and tell her you need some time for yourself to deal with the brekaup and maybe you can be friends again with her after that. Then do no contact.
I have not contacted my ex since our break 1 week ago. However he has contacted me. Daily. And I have made the mistake of responding. My bad. I will stop. But can I just ask for my house keys back ? Or is that a no no to ? I legitimately need them to give to a friend to help me with my pets while I work. Should I just get new ones made ?
Yes you can.
Hey Kevin,
This really seems silly and would be the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels "that's closest he has felt towards love" and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.
He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he's closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn't go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)
I told him I don't want to be "friends" with you. Because obviously I can't change my love with whom I've been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that's ridiculous.
I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh... 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won't work the way you want to.
Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)
Follow the plan Sana.
so this guy doesn't look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.
Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don't contact him until you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of step 4.
Hi Kev,
My ex has been calling me every 2 days during my NC basically to check up on me as I have been physically ill & signed off work for the past 3 weeks. She split up with me over a month ago with her reasoning being 'she need to get happy, but alone'. I have been following your plan strictly as it has helped. But every time I receive a text or missed call, it sets me back again.
I took your direction on contacting her by text "Thank you for your concern but I don't want you to contact me for the time being- I'll get in touch with you. I need space and time right now. I have arranged with Joe (brother) to have your belongings collected. x".
She replied with "ok that's fine, I just wanted to know how you are and what your doing, how feather (our cat) is and what's happening with her? Have you left Liverpool?".
My question is, do I reply? Or do I leave it as I asked for her to leave me for now?
I don't think you should reply.
Hey Kevin ..
I've posted here before .. you've recommended that I should stop being needy ( I don't know how to do this :( ) .. and that I need to go on many dates ..
Well .. I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace ..
And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life :) ..
And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me? ..
and there was this thing .. a girl commented on his profile picture on Facebook .. she said " you look nice ♡ " . .
many people commented on his photo .. but he replied to her .. and one more male friend of him :( ..
I viewed her profile .. he commented on her profile picture too saying : "omg .. you look super nice"
I'm afraid :(
I don't want to lose him :( ..
Does this mean anything?
And what about our conversation? .. does ot till anything about his feelings towards me?
And one last thing ..
I changed my profile picture on whatsapp 3 days ago .. yesterday he sent me an IM .. saying that he liked it . . Today I said thanx .. and that was it :(
What do you think Kevin?
I'm confused and afraid :(
He still has feelings for you. I think you should do more no contact since you are still needy. The best way to get rid of neediness right now is to make a lot of positive changes in your life. As mentioned in the Step 2 and 3.
Well I did all of them .. I even got a job .. a new look .. went on a date .. I passed the exam for master degree .. I volunteered.. I go to gym "even before the break up" .. I'm already the best version of myself .. and actually .. to be honest .. I'm way out of his league !! .. Everyone is telling me that!! ..
But still .. I want him ..
I miss him alot
Even when I'm out with my friends .. I think about him ..
I'm not contacting him .. as I promised .. but I'm afraid that he knows we were bad together the last year .. and he knows he has feelings for me .. and he won't talk to me because of this .. untill he's completely over me and he's with someone else ! :(
and his friends have bad influence on him .. because they don't think we should be together " we are from different religions... it wasn't a problem for us ..but i believe that his friends are effecting on him so we don't get back because of this :( "
What should I do in this case?
In that case, give yourself some time away from him. At least till you accept that you have broken up and there's a chance you will never get back with him. You should do no contact until you are OK with this. It will take time. Till then, continue living your life. Go on a few more dates. Go out with friends. Just try to enjoy your life as much as you can.
Hey Kevin " the miracle maker" ..
Well .. Finally .. I'm talking to my ex again .. after blocking me and saying that he want me oug of his life .. etc ..
We started talking on whatssapp 2 days ago .. we shared intimate moments ... and romantic talks .. even some sexy talks :$
so .. it was good .. but yesterday we had a small argument .. so he got super mad over nothing "I couldn't talk to him on skype" .. He said that I'll never change .. and that I always do what's best for me and I never considered him .. and he went offline .. so .. I sent him a sms .. I was the mature one .. I didn't sound needy or anything .. and I respected his wish to storm off .. so after 10 minutes he came back apologising ..
today .. we talked again on whatsapp .. we laughed .. and we had fun ..then I was telling him about this guy who is going to propose to me in a traditional way .. and then he asked me to talk to him on skype .. I refused .. I was busy .. then .. he was mean with me .. he was acting differently .. then I asked him if we are gonna go with our friends when he comes to my city next week .. so .. he got super mad .. and angry .. he told me that he will not answer now .. because he doesn't wanna say anything that he'll regret about later!!!!
He asked me to go to sleep a little because I was tired .. and I did ..
what do you think is happening?
I know .. you said in your emails it's normal .. but am I doing anything wrong here? .. I yold him how great my life is now .. and he's doing nothing at all.. just having fun with his friends .. did this bothered him? .. how exactly should I be with him?
I don't wanna lose my chances to get him back :(
And one more thing .. we were talking yesterday .. about a thing ..so he said that we will never get married .. like he was making sure that I don't think about him as more than a friend :(
What do you think?
Hey Mema,
Just make sure you don't lose your temper and are always calm and mature. He is confused. Let him be confused. He will try to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to him. Know what you want in life and don't compromise just because he is angry or throwing a tantrum. Always put yourself before him.
About the marriage thing, he was probably trying to get a reaction out of you by saying that. If he feels the same after a couple of months being in contact with you, then you should give up hope and find someone else.
Thank you Kevin .. but I think I'm in an evaluation period .. and I'm afraud to anything wrong .. so now whenever he got upset at me .. he storm off and go offline .. then I send him a message telling him that it's not a mature way to solve anything and that he should go back online to hear my opinion :) .. so he does .. and we talk .. he's like a child .. if he didn't get what he want .. he gets mad .. yell at me .. and go offline till I send him a message .. so today I was upset .. he promised me to call me on phone .. and he didn't .. do I told him that I'm disappointed and sad ..and as a joke I said that I won't talk to him anymore with " :-p" emoji . . he did nothing at all .. he saw the IM .. and he didn't reply ..
What do you think?
And today he's going to a party .. I think he has a set up date .. I'm not sure .. but he's acting strange .. he didn't talk to me .. he didn't respond when I said I'm sad .. he did nothing!
What do you think?
Hey Mema,
You should not reward his child like behavior by giving him what he wants. If you do so now, you will be doing so for the rest of the relationship (if you get back together). Like I said before stay calm and don't let his hot and cold behavior affect you. Do not compromise just because he is throwing a tantrum. You are not in an evaluation period. If you think so, you are being needy. In my opinion, you need more no contact.
Kevin ...
I don't know what happened yesterday! !
so after telling him that I'm sad and upset .. he didn't talk to me .. so .. he was online .. so I asked him what's going on .. he said he's busy .. ( we have a thing .. when he's busy ... I send him alot of messages .. because I know he can't reply .. so I tease him :-p .. we always do this .. idk how to explain it .. but it's funny)
so this time he got upset .. he said that he's busy and he's talking to someone .. I said who? your girlfriend? .. he said :" I hope she will be soon" .. so I was shocked .. and I started to ask him about her .. how old .. when did they meet and where .. etc .. he sent me a picture of her and he didn't reply to any of my questions .. he told me he'll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok .. so .. he did .. he told me it was a joke .. and the girl is his friend .. but she means nothing to him .. so I told him : " that's good .. she's not beautiful .. and make sure when you're gonna date someone that at least she is more beautiful than me" .. he said that there is no one who is nearly as beautiful as me .. and I'm the best girlfriend he could ever dream of .. I said thanx
then he apologised .. and asked to talk on Skype .. I said it's too late .. and I'm going to sleep .. he got super angry .. he said : "you know I hate talking on whatsapp and you know how much this means to me .. yet you always do this! .. " I said that I'm not in the mood and I don't wanna talk on Skype ( I was upset because he didn't care that I'm sad all the day .. and I did not want to reward this action ) .. so he got angry .. and he said that he'll never ask me to talk to him on Skype again .. and I'm selfish .. I said that I respected his wishes when he was busy and he should respect mine .. so he said he will go to sleep to calm down and he'll talk to me tomorrow .. I said ok .. but you started a fight for nothing and that he should ask himself if this reason is really important to ruin our evening? .. he ssid it is .. and he want me to leave him alone .. I did ..
what do you think Kevin? ..
did I did what you told me about not rewarding his child like behaviour and learning to say no to him and not always giving him what he wants?
and I didn't compromise because he's angry ..
os this good?
and he's coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or weae something completely new?
Hey Kevin I commented yesterday and need help by this weekend! but i'm not sure my comment went through?
Hey Dan,
Please post on the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I don't usually approve them.
Ok thanks Kevin i will next time. Should I create Jealousy through social media to trigger my ex's interest. This would be done by posting photos of me and my other ex hanging out this weekend, she was always envious of her. Thoughts
If you decide to go that route, make sure you don't make it completely obvious that you are trying to make it jealous. A better way would be to just post pictures of you having a good time and not with girls you know she is jealous of.
Hi kevin
My boyfriend brokeup with me about 1 month ago.
Unfortunately i didnt act well, i kept no contact just for 10 days and after that i called him while we both were not ready,i asked him to see him on that day but he told me that he will call me back , after that he didnt call me , so i called but his phone was off
After two days i text him and told him that i wanted to have new relationship with u but it seems that u dont want to, so have a good life .
And after a day he answered me that i think it doesnt work its better to be good friends for each other... Good luck
After a week we saw each other we were face to face after 30 seconds he told me hi i answered then i continued my way
Now i want to know your opinion about if is there any chance to get him back or not
Do you think its over?? :(
I will be really appreciate you if you answer me...
There's a chance. Follow the plan.
My ex said the reason we broke up is the i didnt show that i liked him. He said he felt that our relationship was fake. And to be friends again.and he said nothing can change his mind. What should i do?
Follow the plan.
Me and my ex was dating for two and half years and have been split up for 3 Weeks. We split up through his choice but have had a rocky time recently. I have done the begging/ texting part. Really trying to stop that by find it so hard. Met up with his last week was amazing he couldn't stop kissing me telling me him loves me. Now he feels that he can't see a future with me and that becomes before everything else still States he loves me and can't bear changing his profile picture of us. Planning to meet this weekend to discuss but of course no promises and doesn't think we have a future. I have suggested dating again but feels would end the same. How can I show him that I realise things need to change and we can be happy?
Follow the plan. Start making changes and let him realize it by himself.
MY ex broke up with me citing reason that her parents would never ever accept me and she wants no more troubles and is looking for new love. I made mistake to talk to her asking her to come back. But can i start the no contact period from now onwards? about a week after our break up?
Yes you can.
Hi, I posted a comment here a few days ago, but only after I read to post on board. Can you please answer it here and the next will go there? Thank you. I'm the one with the 5 month old and she has a bf. Wanted to add she normally doesn't go out and date like that and she has ben acting very different over this timenwd normally after a great day with me and our son she flips the next day and acts very neg towards me.
I answered you here.
Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago, things were going ok, we had some issues but had worked them out, then about a week later she told me she still definitely loved me and didn't know if she wanted to get back together but she wanted some space. She is going through a really stressful time in her life, and I mean real stressful. I was wondering what approach I should take in order to get her back. Thanks!
Give her the space she needs and use that time to make some positive changes in your life.
I am 26 and my fiancé is 30. She broke up with me on Friday. We are together for 7 years and 1month. But we engaged for a year and a month now. She don't want anything to do with me and wants nothing from me. The reason she broke up with me was, she said I am obsessed and immature. There were things I was doing which she did not like.
She told me it’s over for good this time but I want to make things right by making the changes in my life. There is a new friend that she is chatting with he is now only 20 years old. They saw each other for the last two days. She also told me she feels something for him.
Kevin I need your help please anything will do.
I answered you here.
My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, the first 3 or 4 weeks i acted so needy and desperate at least a couple times a week. She said she just wants to be friends, and that she still cares about me. She started liking someone new a few weeks later. I've gone no contact for a week, in a few weeks i will send a letter to her. My problem is she is so stubborn and she says that she doesn't want to get back together because it might not work out. I've tried to convince her but no luck, will i have a chance at getting her back?
Yes, follow the plan.
Hey Kevin,
me (male, 28) and my ex (female, 22) had been longtime very, very close friends (seven years) before we got together. She ended her lesbian relationship (duration: 7 months) and finally we got together. But after two months (one month ago) she decided to break up with me and get back together with her former girlfriend (31). Because we had been so close before our relationship, she didn't left me all alone after the break-up. We met several times and both of us enjoyed the time together (at least she said so and there is no sign she was lying). Now, of course I did all the mistakes you describe in your article but nonetheless we're still in close contact. I think it's finally time for the no-contact-rule. But she will definitely contact me because we have been in close contact since the break-up. Should I answer her text with a short note like "I need some time off. See you."? It would seem strange and rude not to answer.
Any help would be appreciated!
Felix
Yes, it's OK to tell her you need some time and space.
Hi, Great advice but i have a question. Me and my partner have a child together after a 3 and a half year relationship. We've been apart 8 weeks now and of coarse with our child involved am finding it ever so hard to stick by your guidelines. i know its right what your saying... but i still have to make some sort of contact with my girlfriend to see our child. What would you suggest is the best way forward? Danny
Read this article.
Hi Kevin, not so long on but a little update and some advice required please: The no contact rule has been pretty straight forward to follow, however i have tried to communicate with her to see our Daughter and have discovered that she has blocked my calls and texts anyway. Obviously disappointed with regards seeing our child. I feel as tho she is perhaps using our child as bait now. However a week on from this I've been out the last few days with a friend from work for a few beers and a few meals which is a lot easier than eating at home on your own. Each time I've checked into the location via Facebook and i believe my ex has been monitoring this. Yesterday she called me and we spent an hour on the phone talking about things in general and conversation got complicated towards the end as her son cam home from school. Suppose the conversation was awkward ??? But what came later on were telephone calls about how anxious she was feeling and how she had dropped her phone in water and was asking me for advice on what to do. i politely recommended what to do and said 'il speak to you soon'. What then followed were messages via Facebook messenger thanking me and going on to ask what am i doing? She claims that she's not feeling very good tonight and her nerves are really bad. Am i on a date? i stated that i had felt that way for some time and she said its the first time she felt like this and is obviously hurt and gutted that we didn't work out but it wasn't good for us or the children to carry on our relationship. i asked her y all of a sudden does she feel like this? to which she replied 'i don't know' was you with someone last night????? i said that i was shocked of her asking me this all of a sudden after 2 months! she said she doesn't know and persisted to ask me if i was with someone and that her body felt terrible???
I then thought about the no contact rule and ignored. Woke up this morning to be greeted with more messages saying that i havnt answered her and to tell her the truth and she felt that something was strange, followed by the ever more - hello , hello hello , are you still there???? and approx 7-8 phone calls this morning on my way to work which i ignored also. Finally she stopped and has since blocked me on Facebook and i have no way of contacting her again. This afternoon at lunch i couldn't help but call to leave a voicemail to only say that i had missed your calls this morning and if you would like to chat then call me. Wrong of me perhaps, but i couldn't help it after thinking that perhaps she has strong feelings still ???? i don't know, I'm so confused. Please Help.
Hey Danny,
She is going throw the breakup pain which many people feel only when they realize that their ex is not waiting for them and finally moving on. If you are still in no contact, continue it. Do not discuss your personal life with her yet. If she calls again, answer her, be polite and tell her you need some space and time right now and you will be in touch with her later.
Hey Kevin ..
I know I made a mistake .. but I need your advice ..
(Me and my ex were together for 3 years .. last one we went on and off .. and we had so many fights)
so .. after a month of the break up .. (I contacted him once in yhat month) .. I decided to give myself another shot .. so I called him.. he said he want me out of his life for ever. . That I've lost my chances with him .. and he can't forgive me anymore .. and he doesn't want me to be his friend :(
We talked for half an hour .. then he got mad .. and hang up on me:(
So .. i sent him a message .. telling him that I want to talk to him tomorrow .. he refused .. we ended up texting back a couple of messages .. then he agreed to talk on Skype .. I asked him a couple of questions .. and asked him to be honest .. he agreed .. so this how it went :
-do you miss me sometime?
-him: yes ..
-do you think about me?
-him: sometimes
-do wish that the last year didn't went like this?
-him : yes .. but it happened .. it's too late .. it didn't matter anymore
-have you ever imagined how things would be if the ladt year didn't happened?
-him: of course "and he talked about how he thought it would be " :(
- did you believe that before the last fight we could make things different?
-him: yes .. I wish we could handle it back then ..
-I know now .. I pushed you away ..
-him : yes you did .. but it doesn't matter anymore ..
-did you like my new look?
-him : yes .. you are beautiful
-am I still the most beautiful woman you've ever seen ?
- him : yes you are ..
we talked for hours ..
I told him I didn't like his profile picture on whatsapp (it was a picture of him with one of his female friends) so the next morning he changed it .. he put a picture I took for him on our graduation day ..
and he talked if I ever thought of having sex with him .. I told him yes on our wedding day .. and I talked about how romantic it would be when we finally get married .. we laughed alot .. and it was nice to talk to him again ..
but after that .. we agreed to talk on the next morning ..
on the next morning he had to go and do something .. so when he got back .. he told me that he wasn't comfortable with talking to me ( it's a lie .. he was happy .. I know him enough to say that )
And he want me out of his life forever .. and he'll take his time to think if we can be friends again .. but just friends .. we will never be anything more :( ..
So I asked him not to block me .. and I told him that this will be my way to show him how serious i am to win him back .. he agreed ..
and now .. I can see him online all the time .. I assume that he's talking to a new girl .. because he hates talking on IM .. and yesterday he was up till 5 am .. he rarely stay up like this when we were together (even if I stayed up .. he used to go to sleep early .. but early in the relationship .. he stayed up late for me ) .. but now he can stay up late ? :(
I'm afraid that he's talking to a new girl .. and they aren't in a relationship yet .. that's why he want me out of his life .. so I don't effect his relationship with her .. and that's why he's staying up late ..
I know I shouldn't check up he's last seen .. but I just can't help it ..
what do you think Kevin?
And yes .. I asked to be his friend .. and I used this text from the RR
(So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said, and you’re right, things haven’t been the same between us. We both feel it and i’m actually grateful you were honest enough to bring it up. I think I had known that we were growing apart for a while, but part of me didn’t want to admit it because I was trying to hold onto the idea of all the good times we did have together. And that’s when I realized that we really do have an awesome time just hanging out. But we overcomplicated something great by adding a relationship . That’s why I think it’s a much better idea for us to Must be friends, don’t you agree?)
I sent it .. and I told him to take his time to decide if he want us to be friends .. :(
And that I won't contact him anymore .. unless he talks to me ..
and I told him to till me when he reads it (he didn't) .. and now his online all the time and stuff .. and I'm scared :(
What do you think Kevin?
Mema,
Your conversation with him made it quite obvious that you are still needy and seeking his approval. It's good that you told him that you want to be friends and told him that you will not contact him. I'll suggest you keep your distance for now and stop obsessing over him. Unless you can get rid of your neediness, he won't be attracted to you again. I'd also suggest you go on a few dates.
I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I'm cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I'm trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it's because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace :-D
And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he's someone important in my life :) ..
And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can't remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
He's sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn't comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me?
And how can I get rid of my neediness? :(
Ok, so i am in quite a tricky situation.
Me and my girlfriend split a little over a month ago, more on her part. Before this we met in Australia and when she left i felt i needed to see her again, so the option arose for me to fly back to her country ( Sweden) and live with her. We had been together for a year and a half before we split but i think there were cracks showing in the relationship maybe a year into it. To make things worse i lost my job in the same week we split and right now i can't even move out into my own place because of this. She wont kick me out because she's a kind loving person like that, she still loves me but not like she used to so i know i have something to work on. My problem is that i feel like we cant even have this 30 days cool off period because i can't get away from her! Of course when we first split naturally i felt like i never wanted to move out, i wanted to do all i could to win her back but it mainly resulted in me being upset in front of her. Before reading this article i can honestly say i'm guilty of a lot of the things i shouldn't have done that are listed above, never mind!
So like i say, it's a tricky situation!
Any help would be appreciated
Read this article.
I don't want him back , I just wanna show him that I m really happy without him and if he comes back to me I will take my revenge, I will accept him and then break up with him the very next day..... :)
Hey Kevin
what should I do if i see my ex on the street passing me?
should i talk to her?
Depends. If you have eye contact, you can nod and say hi. If it comes to the point where you have to have a conversation, then keep it short and don't talk about anything personal.
I don't think my comments are going through...
Sorry Xender. For questions, I usually recommend posting in the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I only accept a few of them.
Your advice has been very influential on me as a man. I thank you for this.
It NEVER occurred to me that the reason my ex girlfriend was calling me days after SHE initiated the break up saying things like "Just calling to check up on you" or "I'm just making sure you're holding up" is simply her admitting that she's thinking about me without actually saying it.
Hi Kevin,
I posted before but got no answer please please I really really need your advice :( I'm desperate.
We're both 24 and he broke up 2 month ago. It was painful and messy I was needy and basically made all the mistakes. Went into no contact for 3 weeks tried to follow the plan then broke it last night.
After 4 years he says he doesn't love me anymore and hate that he doesn't because it hurts me and him.
He says (after I broke nc after 3 weeks) that we can't be friend yet because he knows I didn't let go (I hate myself so much for breaking nc) that maybe when he sees that I'm happy maybe even we someone else we can think .
We dont live in the same town, I'm so mad at him and myself and sad how long do I wait, or do I wait till he contact me ? Is there still hope?
Thank you
Do no contact again and follow the plan. Do not contact him unless you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
Thank you for this advice I'll do my best. I feel so stupid because I was finally getting myself out of this post breakup depression and now it feels like back to stage 1.
Why does he wants me to find someone else, is there still hope? I'm worried he is gonna move on after that next NC :(
He won't. People say that all the time after breakup. But don't really mean it.
Thank you for your replies,
One last follow up question, he says he doesn't want to see me yet because it hurts, what does he mean by that, what exactly hurts.
Does it means some feelings are still involved on his side?
The breakup hurts Helen. Yes, it means he still has feelings.
i think i can handle all the steps that you have kindly provided. my question is what if you have babies involved, one of them being 4 and is very aware of that person now being gone? and what crazy messages youve sent back and forth (being desperate and needy) have been hate messages?
You can apologize about the hate messages after no contact is over. And read this article for your question regarding babies.
Kevin,
Its been almost six weeks with no contact. Sent the Magic letter a week ago. No response. So I sent a nice text saying I sent a letter, and I hope you are able to read it. It is not sent in anger, just my feelings. Then I wished her a Happy Halloween with her daughter. Our kids have bonded too it is hard missing them so much. Not sure what else to do. The end of the letter said goodbye and good luck as suggested. I think she is really upset by that but I don't know since there has been no response. Any guidance?
Thank you,
Tom
Wait 2-3 weeks, send the text mentioned above. If still no reply, then you should seriously consider moving on.
What if you still live together. How to go from there.
I've written about it in this article.
This does not cover what to do when your boyfriend leaves me while our relationship has been great for a year and he loves you, for his first love who comes back 10 years later and wants another chance. that first love is powerful and he broke up with me and now they are going to see if it will work. how do you deal with that one? how can their 'old young love' work out anyway if it has been over 10 yrs and she has been married and divorced and they are different people? he is telling me he has to find out if he made a mistake all those yrs ago and that he has loved her his whole life?
Hey t.s,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think there's nothing you can do except wait it out and see. Just do no contact for a couple of months. IF after that you still want him, despite the fact that he left you for a "what could've been", then you should contact him. You will probably get an idea if his new thing is working out and if you have a chance. At that moment, you can realize if there's a chance or you should move on.
Where is the right section to tell our history, can you please tell me? I'd like to share my feelings, because i need to move on or change this situation. Something.
You can post on the message boards.
Hi Kevin,
I sent the Magic Letter five days ago. I've had no contact for five weeks. She has not called or contacted me yet. Not sure how to proceed or if she will contact me. Need some guidance.
Tom
Send a text after a couple of days.
What would you say about veiwing your ex's profile even if your doing the "no contact"
You should try not to obsess over it. IF you can't help yourself, it's best to unfriend them, or remove yourself from facebook altogether for a while.
We broke up a week ago..
My girlfriend said she doesn't love me anymore and she is completely over me..
I did all which was possible(begging and asking for a second chance)
I was way too possessive I agree which led to this.
Is is possible to get her back when she has said that she is completely over me?
Our relationship lasted for 4 months.
There's still a chance still. Follow the plan.
i find your advice perfect but there are some points were i didn't know what to do because they did not match my situation like the no contact time
we already lost contact and i've already used two deadly mistakes the last one was that i text ed him apologizing for my mistakes since it was my fault and he replied in a very mean way
and after couple of days i texted him "to check on him" and he didnt reply
p.s his freinds with my sister and they call and text couple of times a week
and he is the kind of men who realy are stubborn
any advice on how to do the no contact time and the hand written letter i cant do that because he is in the army and he is always on the job
he takes off couple of hours a day to hangout and thats it
HELP :(:(:(
Just start no contact again for at least 30 days and instead of a hand written letter send an email.
Hey Kevin
I really need help, I been trying to post this but nothing has ever gone through and im desperate and in need of help I have a daughter involved in all this please. I been with my ex for 5 years and we just recently broke up (technically we didn't break up we got into a fight and he just completely ignored me and I found out 2 days later after our fight through Facebook he started dating someone else) I really don't know that to do I love him so much and he still hasn't even contacted me, not even our 2 1/2 year daughter. I really want out family back I been depressed I cant eat or sleep and lost 15 pounds in just 3 days. What should I do? Pleas e Kevin help me.
And also I filed for child support on him since he wont even get ahold of me to help out with her. Does that ruin my chances of getting him back.
and by the way he's 24 and I'm 25
Hey Hailey,
I am sorry you are going through this. It's OK that you filed for child support. You still have a chance. Follow the plan.
Hey Kevin, I've already submit a message but apparently it didn't go through.
I find this site very helpful and it makes sense. But I would like to have proof it actually works? I mean, there must be reviews about the matter?
Hey CNN,
You can read the testimonials page here. There are also a few success stories in the comments section but they might be a little hard to find.
what if your ex texted you first saying they miss & want you back in those 30 days, do you reply?
It's up to you. If you think you need some space, then you should tell them you need space right now. And hopefully after some time you both can figure things out. If you are absolutely sure getting back with your ex is a good idea, then you should take them back.
Hey Kevin,
After only 3 days of no contact. My ex initiated a conversation. She called. I didn't answer. After the call I got a text. Just wanted to see how you're doing. Have a good night. She said she found someone else. And she doesn't want a relationship. Blah blah. What should I do?
Don't reply. If she keeps on calling and texting, tell her you need some space right now.
great job
hey kevin what if you start sending text messages then she replies to the first once and later doesn't reply anymore
Back off for a couple of weeks and try again.
Hello Kevin,
I have asked a question on this comment board before, but my question was never answered so I hope you have a chance to help me this time.
I was in a 2 year relationship. I don't know if it is important to mention, but I was in a gay relationship, so my ex is a woman (in case it matters in terms of your feedback). Our relationship was very rocky and we were one of those couples who was on and off every two months. This on and off behavior started on the 2nd year of the relationship. And it created a lot of issues that we never worked through. Insecurity and lack of trust being the primary ones. Any argument we had would create a huge issue, we couldn't find a way to work through our problems, which in turn the solution always was - breaking up.
We have broken up again, for the 4th time. This time it feels like it is for good, but I have felt like other times were for good as well and we ended up getting back together. This time she was more determined and it just felt like there was no turning back. It has been two weeks since the break up now. The first week went by and I did relatively well not contacting her, but then saw that she may be going out with someone else and I reached out to her within a week of the break up. I realized that it was a big mistake to have contacted her, to have told her I still lover her, beg her not to leave, etc... So I stopped contact and haven't spoken with her since.
My question is - how does this plan work for a relationship that was so on and off? Do you believe I should give it more time than 30 days of no contact? Do you think I should move on? Any advice would be appreciated.
Hey Sarah,
Yes, I do recommend your no contact should be more than 30 days. Preferably 2-3 months. On and off relationships are unstable for a reason. And unless you are sure of the reason and are sure that you will be able to fix it this time, you shouldn't get back together. She will still have feelings for you after 2-3 months. Especially if she is in a rebound right now. So, I don't think you should really worry about her moving on. If arguments were your biggest issue, you can solve it with a little bit of work. Try reading "Non - Violent Communications" By Marshall Rosenberg. Or try getting individual therapy to solve any underlying issues you might have.
My wife and I have had a rocky marriage, but we just kept going. Finally, in frustration, I walked out almost a year ago. Since then in an effort to reconcile, I've broke all of your rules. I'm really hoping to ge back home, I miss my wife and children desperately.
I like what u said and I just saw my ex I guess what u call it dancing with another kid I know and it was hard to see but I liked what u said. Ps thankyou!
Kevin,
My boyfriend just broke up with me. I couldn't handle it well. I kept crying and crying.
I keep telling myself not to message him. I have no one to turn to now. I stop contacting my friends ever since i was with him.
But it was all my fault. I lied to him about some things. I came clean with him and he said we can go through this together, but no. he said it's too late.
I really want him back and really want to prove to him that i have changed.
What can i do now ? I have no one to confide in.
Follow the plan Xynthia.
Hello,
So I was broken up with a little over a month ago, and was devastated. I googled "how to get him back" and found this website. Thank goodness for this website!!!! I followed all the steps, and on day 32 of "no contact" my ex called me, told me he loves me, and proposed to me!!! This is absolutely true, and I want to thank you for this website. It helped me so much!
Thanks again!
Thank you for your comment Seana. I am glad the website helped. :)
Thanx alot Kevin ..
but I'm very afraid ..
he's acting all fine .. spending time with his friends .. and he looks like he's having fun :( ..
I'm a close friend with his best friend .. (we are talking almost daily .. he's helping me throw these hard times .. and he's making sure for me to follow the plan) .. he told me my ex never mentioned me to him .. he's doing great .. having alot of fun .. and I should move on like he did.. I know this sounds typical from his bff .. but when my ex went out with our mutual friends .. he acted exactly like his bff said :( ..
So I'm really afraid .. that he's very tired from our relationship (all the fights ,the jealousy , the break ups and hurting him ) and he's trying to move on .. :(
And I know that he thinks our relationship ended from the first break up " he was telling a new friend of him that .. and when I asked him why he said so .. he said it was hard to explain what happened the last year to her" .. and I'm afraid that the last year was his way on moving on :(
What do you think Kiven ?
P.s: my ex's bff .. was with our break up at first .. and supported my ex to break up with me .. he thought we were awful together .. and we should break up .. but now .. after knowing me well .. he thinks that I love my ex too much .. and my ex is lucky to have someone like me .. and he even said that he'll never find anyone how will love him like I did ..
I'm keeping him updated on my progress following this 5 steps plan .. I even told him I have a date this week .. is this wrong?
Hey Mema,
I strongly recommend that you stop contact with your ex's best friend. Tell him that as part of your healing, you need to stop all communication from your ex, directly or indirectly. And through him, you are keeping tabs on your ex which is sort of defeating the purpose of no contact. If you are constantly thinking about your ex and his actions, you are not really concentrating on yourself.
You shouldn't really worry about what's going on with your ex at this moment. Simply because there is nothing you can do about it. Even if he is tired of the relationship and trying to move on, you can't stop him. If you try to, you will even make it worse. The best thing you can do is follow the plan, and you are doing that already.
And even if he having fun with his life, doesn't necessarily mean he is over you. It might just mean he is enjoying being single and away from the fighting and the negativity of the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. When you see him again after no contact, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you've changed. And for that, you will have to use this NC period to make some actual changes in your life.
Thanx Kevin .. I'm making huge changes in my life " new look .. new job "passed the interview and they said I can start working from the beginning of the new year" .. soon I'll start my master's degree study "I passed the exam:-D" .. and I'm going to gym" I'm doing great.. and actually I'm having fun .. and I don't talk to my ex's bff about my ex .. we have normal talks usually.. but sometimes when I'm feeling down .. i talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling .. and he cheers me up and encourages me to continue what I'm doing "as my friend not as my ex's bff" .. and that's when he told me that I should move on .. Otherwise we never talk about my ex and what's he doing on his life .. just .. normal conversations ..
So should I really cut him off my life?
I mean he's a friend of mine too .. isn't he?
In that case, you shouldn't cut him off. Just avoid talking to him about the ex.
Hey Kevin ..
I want to ask you this .. my ex wants us to talk dirty on Skype .. he said that I mean nothing to him.. not even a friend .. but he wants us to talk dirty ! "Long distances relationship"
we were texting back and forth today .. "i ended NC after 1 month of break up"
I don't understand .. I'm old fashioned .. and we didn't even have sex before .. and he knows that I don't want to do anything sexual before marriage ..
should I talk to him and during that talk about us? .. or create a new bliss moment with him and never.motion us?
Or I should ignore him?
Plz help asap .. I have 3 hours to tell him my response :(
I'd recommend you ignore him.
And btw .. he will probably block me again after the talk thing :( ..
Hi Kevin,
Great guide. How do you do the face to face meeting if your ex lives abroad? Obviously, it complicates matters. If it simplifies things with background, we had been dating for over 2 1/2 years before she moved abroad for the time being. When breaking up, distance was never a reason, but it more seemed to be collateral damage from acclimating to a new environment. Any advice here would be great.
Thanks!
You start with skype. If things progress and it seems she is interested, then you can plan a trip abroad or for her to visit you.
Hi Kevin,
I think your no contact rule makes a lot of sense, especially about your ex forgetting all of the negative things about you and to work on self improvements. My husband left me about 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure how to apply the no contact rule as he is in contact with me everyday because of the kids. We both only talk about the kids and leave any emotions out of it. Today he came over to see the kids and instigated intimacy. I don't know if I should deny him as part of me thinks that if he is getting it from me, then he won't go elsewhere, but the other part thinks it he could be just using me for sex until he finds someone else. As we are still married, I don't want him to commit adultery whilst we are still married, but on the other hand he could have no respect for me whatsoever.
Hi Kevin,
Could you please clarify how I can proceed with NC when my husband contacts me a few times a day regarding the kids and visits every day to see the kids. What about the sex, is it just to satisfy his needs, or does he feel something for me, he closes his mouth so as not to kiss me. He has told me at least 3 times that he doesn't love me and once he told me that he wouldn't mind if I find someone else. We have been married for almost 8 years. How long should I do the NC and what should I tell him if he wants to initiate sex in the future. Since he left he has come to cut the grass, today I saw him cleaning the cobwebs, he came back after a few minutes of leaving to return a DVD which I had rented for our son and then came back about an hour later to give me some money. He has taken our bin out twice since leaving, but in the month prior to leaving he hadn't touched the bin. Is he doing these things to make me happy so that we can be on good terms for the kids? or could it be something more??
Hey Kevin, i read the site and read people's comments, but i also have a few questions of my own. If my partner told me to never text him/her again because during this "breakup" i guess i called/texted him/her several times(to show that i cared) but it backfired. Of course i read the steps and realized this. So now, he/she told me not to text again and this is their final text towards me. Will this process still work? Is that partner not willing anymore? This relationship have been a long long time now. 7 years about to be 8. Give me some ideas.
Yes, it'll still be effective.
Hi kevin
My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .
Hi kevin
My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.
Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing?
For example "had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face" would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him
Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn't have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I've not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses
As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn't count as breaking no contact.
I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He's been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He's now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I've been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?
Yes, there's still a chance.
My ex broke up with me a week ago. She's 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I'm 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup" we won't be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you.
,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won't ever Break. I'll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won't be forever".
Follow the plan Alex.
We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don't want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can't tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn't get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything.
what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again?
i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.
Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me.
I'm thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now.
I haven't decided if is the best go back to her.
Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
Breakup Pain Healing?
Bad Memories Healing?
Missing Me Badly?
Or Moving On?
And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..
Hey, I'm Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn't make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying.... I try to be happy but it's so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him...
Follow the plan Isabel.
Hello!
So, I'm trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I've only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won't answer if it's ok to mail her earrings, CD's, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won't respond? Also, why she can't answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not?
I'm having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I'm just wasting my time bc I don't have the slightest clue on where she is at.
I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time.
I guess since I broke the "no contact" rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts?
I finally feel that I'm getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I'm making progress, I just don't want to lose this one. I really care about her.
Any and all feedback is much appreciated!
Thanks!
-CCA
You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won't answer to those questions.
1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that's connecting her to you.
2. She doesn't want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.
Brief overview.
-Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying "if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision....we need time to heal....maybe someday we can be friends" Didnt understand the "cut me out of your life..." mixed with "need time to heal" attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I'm now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to "hunt her down" so to speak. She's used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.
Hey Kevin,
Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can't tell you if it's worth pursuing or not, it's for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it's worth pursuing. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know that you tried and it'll be easier for you to move on.
Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site.
I'm struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) .
Summary of what happened:
We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance.
He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he'd try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back.
In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn't been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn't end things with me though. We didn't break up but things didn't really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he's never visited which really upset me.
Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said " no, my career's more important right now." We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn't respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn't respond. it's been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven't contacted him again...no begging.
I'm not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn't respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he's already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn't willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with.
Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I'm just really not sure how to do this anymore.
Hey,
You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn't reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.
What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it't been two months and I've had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I'm not going to convince him if he doesn't feel the same? That I'm doing this for myself so that I don't have regrets?
Or do I contact him casually, ask how he's doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.
Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn't change anything.
Anjali move on. Look around for person who loves u since ur boy friend do not care u. Even I had break up with my girl friend I begged her to forgive me but she treated me as like a road side dog now I'm alone and trying to forget her. So bottom line stop thinking ur bf and search people who love u. Thanks
hai thank you so much first it was very useful article...u r genious
Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn't what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn't realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it's over, because she loves me, but is not 'in love' with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won't try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.
Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.
Chris that is exactly the situation that i am in but my relationship is still in honeymoon stage. Problem is, she is un-affectionate which drives me crazy and raises my insecurities.
I am not a insecure guy in any form but now i am second guessing myself all the time. Its driving me crazy. She hates the way i am acting now and tells me ive gone all weird.
But i feel i have a very valid point here, she is cold... like ice cold... It feels like she has lost the spark or that is what i am making up in my head.....
See where i am at, i need to somehow revert back to me default setting but she said that she has been in relationships like this and it never improves and people dont change.
I played house with her to make sure that our amazing relationship flourishes and we can get use to each other....
The kicker is that the normal me, stock standard is what she wants but.... she is still cold, never use to be like this.... I am going mad..... I am all up in my own head arguing and debating......
The advice youve given makes complete sense and i will follow it verbatim.
Question: The last communication was not what i will call a high note, Can you leave on a sour goodbye? Wont that last communication resonate and come up as a memory at the next meeting?
I have been in so many relationships and never gave the full monty, Treat them mean keep them keen and its worked for i dont know how long... With my current GF, i see a future and i gave in to my reservations and played open cards to ensure that there is no secrets between us. She respected that but it feel like i traded my 4x4 in for a Scooter.... I feel unarmed and fueled with her un affectionate nature, i start craving hugs and kisses and opening the doors to my insecurities...
Wow, how complicated is this, i am so perplexed and confused and it feels that every move i make pushes her further away.
Please can someone give me some perspective, I need advice or someone to tell me what to do, i feel like a novice... Bazaar!!!
That is it for the -unhappy hour... :)
Thank you
Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.
Hey Aice,
Read this article.
In my opinion you should dress good and try to ignore him. It will be hard for few days but when he will start noticing you that you have stopped thinking and looking at him he will start noticing u...
Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I'm not sure why hasn't been posted. I'm not sure if it just did't go through and I should post again.
Thanks
Hi Kevin,
I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved.
She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn’t want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn’t officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me.
Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I’m not sure if it applies here because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about here. Again, she hasn’t broken up with me at this point. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
No.....see this happened to me my boyfriend didn't talk to me after he hurt me. For a girl its irritating when you tell someone something and you think they don't listen the best thing to do is talk about it tell her how you feel if you become vulnerable to her and share your thoughts it will make her more understanding
Thank you Brook.
Giver her space, but don't cut her off completely. If she calls or texts, reply to her. Don't pressure her into anything. If she decides to break up, follow the plan.
Hey again Keven ..
i told you before about my ex .. We've been together for 3 years ..
We broke up 2 weeks ago .. and i started NC immediately .. anyway ..
i ran into him today ..
he was with a friend of us .. I said hi .. he said hi back .. I talked to our friend for a minute .. he stod aside .. acting like he met a stranger .. and didn't say a word ..
what does this mean?
Doesn't really mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
I couldn't help myself .. I sent him a message .. I tried to make it casual .. told him that we are not strangers and if he had a free time we should meet .. and it'll be fun .. but he didn't answer me .. So .. I acted needy and desperate again .. sending him tons of messages .. at first they were all funny and friendly .. still no answer .. finally .. I told him as a joke .. I'm gonna kill myself .. when he didn't reply .. I sent him a photo .. me holding pills .. and said I'll take them all .. but even that didn't change anything .. and he did not call or even text me!
I feel like he doesn't care anymore about me :(
Well Mema, as you might have guessed, what you did was a huge mistake. He probably knows you were just acting out of desperation and desperation is unattractive, which is the reason why he didn't want to reply.
You should start no contact again. This time, don't make any mistakes. And make sure you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.
Ok I'll .. I hope that I still have a chance with him .. we were amazing together .. and I wish that never ended ..
I know he was tired from all the problems .. and from being hurt each time he came back to me .. but I really want to change in order to give this amazing relationship a last chance ..
starting NC again .. and I'm sure i can check the list soon .. :-D
I'm hoping I'm not to late .. but I'll do my best ..
Thanks alot Kevin ..
wish me luck .. I really want things to work between us :(
Kevin .. I've posted before all the details about my relationship "long version of my story" .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
in which stage of healing process you think he's in? ..
Breakup Pain Healing?
Bad Memories Healing?
Missing Me Badly?
Or Moving On?
He is in the initial stage. Don't worry about it, he is not going to move on during no contact.
What if your ex's birthday is around the corner, should I say happy birthday?
You can text, but keep it short.
hello Kevin.
My story is long, just like i'm Shaw many of your devoted followers relationship stories are so ill keep this short and if you want to hear the full story ide love to tell it and love to get everyone's input..
I will start with a sincere thankyou to you Kevin Thompson, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. When my ex of 7 years broke up with me I was on the boarders of suicide, I don't want to go into it in detail but killing myself was only days away.
As I said ill keep it short for now,
I signed up for you email counselling and just this one thing is what saved my life. Kevin your emails gave me one thing to look forward to every day, at a time when everything in life seems pointless and you feel like there's nothing worth living for just knowing your going to receive a motivational email every few days is lifesaving.
So thank you: Kevin "lifesaver" Thompson.
PS: Things between my ex and I haven't worked out the way I would have wanted it to, on the 24th of October it will be 3 months since my ex left me, im still trying to get her back but she is an extremely head strong individual with a few emotional walls to break down. I have the up most faith that with kelvins coaching along with the other information he provides normal female would have been begging to have me back in her life but my ex is special (that's why I love her so)..
thank you
tim
Thank you so much for your comment Tim. I am glad this website and the email were helpful.
I stayed no contact, and then wrote the suggested letter. It's been a week but still no reply. What should I do, just move on now?
Send a text as mentioned in the article.
Kevin,
I thought your article and advice were unusually level-headed and insightful. My ex and I split up in mid June (more than 4 months ago), after a very unpleasant spat in a restaurant. No shouting, no throwing of drinks into faces, just very tense and unpleasant, and it was my fault. I had never seen her so upset as after that encounter. Our relationship had been deteriorating in the previous months and things had been getting more and more testy. We still see each other occasionally socially (we have a lot of mutual friends), and in those circumstances are on civil and even friendly terms. But we are not in contact -- she cut off contact the day after the restaurant thing.
I love her and want to win her back. I'm confident that I'll handle her and things much differently and more effectively -- if I get the chance. I observed the No Contact rule for more than two months, and since then have sent a couple of friendly notes -- one a thank-you after she picked up something I had dropped, and one saying that I had enjoyed a brief but friendly chat we had had the day before. Two weeks ago I sent a long note acknowledging some of my faults, and last week I wished her happy birthday.
She hasn't responded to any of these messages. So I wait, and wonder what else to do. I guess I will eventually decide what other options I have, and whether it's better to just move on.
Trying to stay positive and to keep a stiff upper lip.
Hi Kevin
It has been 7 months since my split and I have just finished my 30 day no contact and I'm feeling good. Trying to reattract him via texts and every response I get is negative. Can I have a little advice on how to approach this situation?
Hey Marie,
In that case, you should do no contact again for a month.
My ex and I broke up yesterday after a 1-month relationship. I'm a female (25) and she is a female (37 years old). The reason was that we were fighting and she is very sensitive and every fight is very bad for her emotional health. So she broke things off. She knows I deal with break ups via no contact so she told me she wasn't going to contact me until I decided to contact her, if I decide at all. Does that make no contact pointless for getting her back?
Nope, it doesn't.
I told my ex I need to keep a good distance from him for a while, but you mentioned not to tell them in this article, so what should I do?
That's alright. Don't worry about it.
Hello,
I have found this article really settling. I am chosing to take the advise and have the perspective of space to really improve myself and be happy. One thing different is that my boyfriend and I are just on a 'break'. He made the call as I was struggling to trust after he had done something a while ago that broke the trust, and I also found myself because of trust issues feeling anxious with separation.
He made it clear that it was not a 'break up' and that we were still girl friend and boyfriend and are not to hook up with others, but we are not to act like couples and to have space. I now see the benefits for me with the break (which was not given a time frame) so I can break that attachment and become confident in myself again, but I don't feel like it will help my trust with him.
I have used this time to really work out what upsets me and triggers my unability to trust, but what would you suggest to make this work ? How should I go about getting him to change as well.
He also has an event at his work on in a week that I have helped him get numbers for (which he really needed). If I and my friends don't go there won't be as many people. Do I still go and just not communicate with him? Just so I show respect for him by still helping with numbers or do I just ditch.
You should go to the event. You can even communicate with him but don't talk about anything personal and keep conversations short.
When you are ready to get back in touch, you can lay out clearly what you require from him in the relationship and what are your expectations. If he is unwilling to put in any effort, then tell him both of you should continue the break for a little while more.
Hey again Kevin ..
well .. i didn’t give you much details about my relationship at the first post .. so .. here is the whole story ..
i met my boyfriend 4 years ago at university .. and he had a crush on my .. so .. he told me that .. and after 6 month .. we told each other that we love each other ..
so .. that’s how the best 3 years in my life started ..
alot of people were against our relationship .. but we didn’t care .. we loved each other ALOT .. and we were having the best time ever ..
A year ago .. we were under alot of pressure in the college because it was our graduation year.. and we fought alot .. so i asked him to break up .. and agreed to be friends .. but after a month i told him it was a mistake and i want him back .. but he said that he don’t love me anymore and he’s happy without me .. i asked for another chance .. he didn’t accept and .. we were friends .. but we acted like we are more than that .. so after a month .. he told me that he loves me .. we dated for 6 months .. but he told me that he’s not ready for commitment but when he’ll be ready .. I’m the only one he wants to be with .. so we never talked about getting married “we did alot the first 2 years” .. then we had a big fight .. and didn’t talk for a week .. a mutual friend told him that im seeing another guy “i wasn’t! And IDK why she did this to us” so he told her he’s doing thae same .. and she told me .. so i contacted him and do all the deadly mistakes .. he gave me a rough week .. but at the end .. he told me that he loves me .. and there’s no other girl that he want to be with .. but it was to make me jealous .. so .. we were dating again .. but he was spending much more time with his friends .. and i wasn’t ok with that .. so .. one time i got made alot .. called and yelled at him .. and say bad things about him and his friends .. and hang up on him. .. then i released that i was over reacting and called him again .. but no answer .. he didn’t answer me for a week and i was calling non stop .. at last i talked to a friend of him .. and we met twice .. had a great last date .. and he told me that he loves me at the end but i think it slipped out from him and he did not want me to find out that he still do .. so .. i started NC for 2 weeks .. then he called .. telling me to go out with him on a date .. i said .. ok .. and it was amazing .. at the end .. we got back together .. and talked about getting married and stuff again .. this went for 2 and a half months .. then we had a big fight and he broke up with me .. i did all the deadly mistakes again .. and after 2 weeks .. he unblocked me .. and i did the same .. so .. he talked to me .. as friends .. but after a while he told me that he loves me .. but i played hard to get .. so .. we went away with my friends for 2 days .. and he was romantic and sweet .. and planned a romantic surprise for me .. so i told him i love him back and i want us to get back together .. and he was like :”oh wait .. what? .. i love you but i don’t want to be with you again! ” .. so we talked for hours .. and we agreed on giving ourselves time to work on our relationship ..and .. it was great .. for a week.. then he was busy for 2 days .. and on th 3rd day .. he had time .. so he decided to spend it with his friends not with me .. when he got back .. i was mad .. told him that im breaking up with him this time not him .. and some other stuff i regret now :( .. he blocked me on all social media and IM .. :( ..
and at last he was really mad .. and told me .. “do you really think that i would talk to you ever again after all the things you said?” ..i apologised next day .. he said that he forgive me but he want me out of his life and after our last call .. i started the NC .. now I’m at day 10 .. he didn’t try to contact me yet :( .. I’m working on my self .. but still I’m afraid that i screw up and that i have no more chance with him ..
what do you think Kevin? :(
Is there any hope?
I know he loved me alot before but now .. i don’t feel that anymore :(
Hey,
I think you do have a chance. But you guys have a lot of issues you need to work on. I'll recommend you do no contact for at least 3 months before contacting him. This will give you the time and space to figure out what was wrong with the relationship and whether getting back with him is a good idea.
Hi,
my ex and I were together for 2 years and never had any major issues, but I broke his trust. In April, when my current ex and I were still together, my other ex contacted me, and I replied. My boyfriend found out and we went on a break, he then decided to give me another chance, but last week, I saw my old ex out, and I spoke to him, just to say hello, and not be rude, and my boyfriend broke up with me over it. I was angry and walked out as I hadn't done anything wrong, but them I made the mistake of contacting my ex and we were flirting. I only did it because I was angry. My boyfriend found out and now said he won't give me another chance as he gave me one before and I still broke his trust. I know this all seems very confusing, but if I follow your steps, do you still think I have a chance of working things out with him, even though at the moment, he says he definitely doesn't want to get back together?
Thank you!
Hi,
So my girlfriend and I recently broke up after seven years of dating. At first it was mutual, be both felt "off" and honestly I felt like I could use some time alone. So I planned to move out (we both moved from the same city to the one our university is in, my schooling is done now). But then my plans to move out were cancelled and I started having second thoughts and I brought up giving it another shot, but she had already (within days) found someone new.
This hit me harder than I expected and I did what every relationship guru says not to do and I turned into a... well, you get the point. She now had all the power. The reason she wanted to keep trying things with this new guy and not give me another chance was my fault. I took her for granted. Let the relationship go stale. Let myself go. I was stupid, basically, and you know how it goes... don't know what you have until it’s gone.
We're still living together (so NC is impossible for now) but I am moving out within the next few days. I plan on doing the things I've read here, it's just that there will now be six hours between the two of us making some aspects difficult, long distance and all. Also, I wasn't close with her best friend, so texting her wouldn't work... although I may find a way to stumble into one of her other friends at work.
I'm worried about the guy. He is the total opposite of me. He's extremely extroverted whereas I am introverted, which is where a lot of the trouble came from -- I couldn't handle doing some things out in public (she mentioned my weirdness about PDA). I'm working on it though. I'm coming out of my shell. But this guys is taking her to do all the things I foolishly never did. She says she really really likes him.
Just a moment ago she sat down by me to talk, heard me clacking away at the keyboard and asked what I was up to. Said I was chatting with someone and she assumed it was a girl. Asked multiple times who she is. I didn't say, because I am not a liar, I will however omit some things. I told her she should do something this coming weekend so I could have the apartment to myself. She asked if it was to have someone over, I didn't lie, just shrugged. In reality its when I plan on moving out and I don't want her there for that. So she said, "I guess we never really would have worked out since you moved on so quick." I asked her how often she thought of me and she said, "Not really much. How much do you think of me?" And I felt like this was a trap. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth. That she is the first thing I think about when I wake and last thing when I go to sleep. But I didn't, kept my cool, and shrugged with an "eh." This was... impossible to do. I wanted so badly to tell my feelings.
A little while later she came out and was completely different towards me. Cold, silent, obviously angry. Having her get a little jealous seems like a good thing, but having her angry doesn't seem like it is very productive. Wouldn't that just push her into the other guys arms more? She talked normally to me after hanging out with him as well, so that sucked. All I can think of is that affection I once received going elsewhere. I'm so used to hugging her and everything... I'm lost.
I apologies for how long this is, I guess I've been looking for someone to say all this to and now it's all coming out. I'm hoping for assurances, but what I really want is the hard truth, your opinion on my luck in the future. Anything.
And during NC I plan to work on myself, physically and emotionally. Right now I feel like she's a drug, and I don't want to see her again until I can be confident in myself enough not feel that way.
I could really use some help Kevin
Hey,
You do have a chance and her relationship is probably a rebound. But like I say in the article, you should be prepared for the worst and accept the fact that even if she doesn't come back, you are going to be OK.
I am so miserable right now. I've been in a rebound relationship for 4 months.. And the worst part is that he broke up with me, when I actually started feeling something special for him.
Hi Kevin,
I don't know if you still have my previous comments from before but if I explain the whole story it would take hours. So long story short, I saw my ex again and he apologised for everything saying he panicked when he felt things getting serious. As it's long distance I was only able to spend two weeks with him and from the beginning of those two weeks we got the romance thing back on track. We obviously weren't as close as before but we were still pretty close and he said he was really happy to have me back here. Throughout the two weeks we had a few ups and downs but we got through them. But by the last day something happened and everything took a turn for the worst. He didn't even come to say goodbye. It's been nearly seven weeks and I haven't even tried contacting him and he hasn't contacted me either. I'm scared of making things worse if that's even possible. I got him back then lost him again in the space of two weeks. I'm completely stuck and have no idea where to go from here.
Contact him Sarah. If things don't work out, at least you'll know it's over for sure and you can concentrate on moving on.
Hi Kevin,
I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved. She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn't want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn't officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me. She couldn't go one hour without texting me before. Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I'm not sure if it applies here because I don't want her to think that I don't care about here. Again, she hasn't broken up with me at this point. Thanksl
This is a question for contacting him. If he doesn't have a cell phone how do I contact him once the no contacting period is done?
Email, facebook or a hand written letter.
Hi Kevin,
My wife broke up with me and left me heartbroken last August after 12 years, we have a Kid, and he is 9 years old.
Your stapes looks all wreaths going for it, and I do indeed thank you for that. However, do you have something for me with a kid still living with his mam, and he is reaching out to get two hared headed people together.
I looked at the relationship as a dream with some nightmares, and she now looks at it as a nightmare with some dreams. I still love her, she stopped.
I lived for the past 3 years in the UK, for my medical training, and she lives in the Netherlands. we had before a lot of problems starting from the financial problems and we couldn't do every things we wanted, and I did not come up with what I promised her to do, that is one of the reasons I moved to London.
She is now with someone we meet at a holyday, he left his family too, and that was just 2 months ago. I extremely over reacted, to the point that my heart stopped and letter had a mini stroke.
And then, when I found out she slept with this man, I made it worst then you could visualize with letters, phone calls and text messages and it is now a mass , she does not want to talk to me .
Nevertheless, when I am on the phone with my son, she is always there and now the phone is always on speaker. She is now anger of me, fearful of me and disappointed, and me too of her and me.
Till me what to do ? I am lost
Hey David,
Follow the plan. Don't talk to her unless it's about your kid. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After a month of no contact, send the letter mentioned above apologizing for your actions.
Hey. After my girlfriend forgave me for past mistakes she finally took me back. We were even talking about getting a place together until she found pictures of another ex on my phone. Now she blocked my number and won't talk to me. I've done all the mistakes you outline...now what?
Do no contact for a while. Give her time to calm down. If she doesn't unblock you in one month, send her an email.
Hi Kevin,
I want to start the NC period, but my ex and I work at the same place. What do do? -Thanks
Read this article.
Hey Kevin,
I feel as though I'm in a very complicated situation.
My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, saying that she couldn't see herself with the person I was at the time. But I also found out that she had developed feelings for one of my friends in the past 2 weeks. They had known each other and talked for about 2 years now.
During these past 2 weeks, I've realized and accepted that I wasn't a very good boyfriend to her, and I am able to see how she lost interest. During these same 2 weeks, I've also made grand attempts at showing her that I understand her and that I want to change, not just for her, but for myself. We hung out one weekend post breakup, I took care of her while she was sick, we also engaged in sex once.
Hey Denny,
Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she says no, tell her you need some space and time to accept the breakup and start no contact.
Hi I think your website is really helpful just what I need right now.my problem is I have been in this relationship for 3 months, I came into this relationship straight from a previous relationship with trust issues.I kept texting this partner thinking he was lying to me even tho he wasint it got that bad that he said it can't go on like this and I need time on my own to have fun go out with friends etc and to get my life back.he said this is just as hard for him as it is for me as he really likes me and I really like him aswell.he said this texting was the only problem so I asked him if I got myself sorted out would he be intrested in starting again he said he wouldint say no.I know he is right I do need space to sort myself out.I've not spoke to him since just wondered how long you think I should wait before I get in contact with him its been 2 weeks now but I am doing really well I've been following the steps on your website just starting to look after myself.I do miss not spending time with him but I know when i feel ready it will be all worthwhile.
Hi think your information is what I need right now.I met a really nice guy was with him for 3 months but had gone straight from a previous relationship into this one with trust issues from previous relationship now I look back I can see how stupid I've been I was keep sending this bf messages all the time thinking he was lying to me but really he wasint.he told me there wasint a future the way that I am that I need space on my own for a bit which I know is true, he said that's the only reason he wanted to break up he really does like me as I really like him,he says this is just as hard for him as it is me but i did say to him if I sorted myself out, sorted my head out would he be intrested in trying again he said he wouldint say no.I know its me I have to get hold of my life start having fun, be happy and try and forget what happened in pass.we have been doing the no contact, how long do you think i should wait till I get back in contact with him.I am doing really well I've been following your information.
Hey all!
When my ex and I broke up I came onto this site because I was desperate, I didn't know what to do.
Its been 1.5 months since we broke up and last night we got back together. I can honestly say that everything that Kevin talks about is true, between the no-contact period and working on yourself and becoming a happier person, I can honestly tell you 100% that this website changed my life. Kevin's idea of working on yourself and becoming happier not only helped me to get my ex back, but it also helped me to turn my life around and really let me be happy with who I am.
I wish all of you the best of luck with your endeavours! Just remember, even when things are tough and seem hopeless, you've just got to stay strong and perceiver. They always get better!
Thanks so much Kevin! You've completely changed my life!
Thank you A.S for sharing your story. Good luck with your relationship. :)
Kevin...
I am facing an out of the world relationship problem
We had a relation for 7 months..... I really really loved her from the core of my heart and she knows it even she accepted my marriage proposal but suddenly things have changed. From her point of view, she said that she is internally ill and if she died i would miss her so she act completely opposite. she has limited her texts, giving lame excuses when asked her to call her.... she said she have to be away from me.... She said she is tired of to be alive. she said she is no longer that lively girl she can not smile and she can not love someone.... Please leave me....
I had to go to no contact period. I convinced her sometimes but after 1 or 2 days she act the same..........
I don't know what I have to do to realize her that this life is not being tired of. She said she is still love me but we can no longer to stay with each other
I have to get her back. I want her.
I don't know Kevin what to do.......... Plz help
Hey,
I replied to your comment here.
Hi Kevin,
My ex and I have been together for two and half years. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. I was happy and he was too. When we started dating after a year i introduce him to my family, he also introduce me to his aunt, cousins and friends. All this people immediately like me and the person i am. All that was good. We get along great and care about each other so much. The last time we were together was mid August when we went out with friends. We were happy and i spent the night with him. There was no complaint of any kind. The only thing that he has complain about would be that i don't listen to him or i am immature. I admit that i have a stubborn bone in me, but i was changing because i understand what he was saying. With every thing said two weeks after we went out in mid August, in September he decided to tell me he needed space. I asked him do you want to break up completely or is there another interest, he said no. I knew he had met someone else because it wasn't like him to want space. I agree with him with the space thing. yesterday i went to do my hair at his place, because his room mate is my stylist, After doing my hair i persist to go to his room, there i found out the truth. The truth is he has someone else and she living with him. I was her clothes and shoes in the closet and her picture too hanging. I was heartbroken and mad, so i decided to wait for him and confront him. We talked and he told me what ever in saw in his room is true. That he has been seeing her for two months, but didn't know how to tell me or break my heart because he didn't want to hurt me that's why he just say to me he needed a break. We were happy together and everybody that see us knew that we both were in love and care for each other. I was shocked, hurt, and so many question coming in my head. He said he met her in January at a friends party and they have been talking, but started dating now. They have been dating for two months and already she is living with him. I asked him why she is living with him, he said it just temporally she is looking for her own place. I am definitely hurt and don't know what to think. I need help.
Help me kevin. I need him back and i would do anything to get him. He is a good man and the only person that i have love like this. He has so many characteristics that i loved about him. Help me.
Hey JM,
I think you should think things through before getting trying to get him back. Do no contact for at least 2 months. You do have a chance to get him back, but you need to stop being needy and desperate and follow the plan. He cheated on you. He is the type of person who has been emotionally cheating on you since January. That is not a characteristic of a good man.
hallo.my name is ilias.i am a doctor in bulgaria.i had a relationship for one year and 8 months.she has a son from his ex-husband but i was for that kid like dad.i love them so much and i make a big mistake.the mistake was that-we started a reconstruction at her grandfather apartament with the help of her parents.but when she wants to buy something i can not refuse.the mistake was that i stole from the summary that her parents gives 500 euro to bought the thinks that she wants for the apartment.i apologise and sorry at her parents and to her but she does not want me back form yesterday.before yesterday she said that she will give me a change but i have to earn it and to proof myself.but from yesterday she says that she does not love me.but untill two days she said to me and to our friend that she loves me and cry.what can i do to earn her back?thank you
i want to thank you kevin if you help me.thank u.ilias
Hey Ilias,
Do no contact for a while. If she calls you, tell her you need some time to deal with the breakup and you will contact her after some time. Follow the plan. You have a pretty good chance of getting her back. All the best.
She wrote me and she said that i am a lier and thief and everything between us is over for ever.what can i do?
Don't reply. Do no contact and follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
Thanks so much for your website and replying to every email. I am a blogger myself and I know it's really tough work. You've completely amazed me.
Anyway, since you get so many comments I am not going to make this longer. On to the point:
I have done EVERYTHING wrong (as you could have guessed) since he broke up with me last Tuesday (been 9 days now). I've discussed the relationship and told him I wanted him back, are in contact with him all the time, etc.
We lived together. He moved out within two days. Rent was expiring and we both needed to move, so I am moving out of here as well.
However I didnt have a car. He owns two and I just used one of them. Now I am stuck in the house (cant walk from here anywhere) unless he lends me his car, who is using for the move (the other one he cant use for moving stuff). So I need to text him and ask him about his plans to know when I can use it.
Also, he still comes sometimes to the house to pack more stuff and I am here (I work from home) and see him. My birthday was yesterday and we went out for dinner together (ended up doing what we shouldnt). And on top of that we have a birthday party on Saturday where we both need to go. Not only it'll be super rude not to do it but also I prefer to hang out with friends than be on my own in the house.
Reading this I can see the best is No contact. Plus it makes total sense since the reason he broke up with me probably had to do with that (we worked at home both, saw each other 24 h/day and basically I have no life out of him or my work, which again, is at home).
The problem is that I am going to see him on Saturday, I will need the car this week for moving stuff, I will need his help to move a couple of pieces of furniture that I can't move myself, etc.
Shall I just wait to start No contact when I am completely moved? Once in my new apartment I wont need the car (therefore I wont need to contact him to ask him if I could use his) or him and then I can do no-contact for a month.
Thanks so much
Hey Blanca,
I think you should keep limited contact till then and start no contact once you are on your own. Limited contact means only talking to him about things that are necessary and keeping it short and to the point. Don't be rude, but don't open up to him and show him how much you still love him. All the best.
Thanks SO much!
xo, B.
first of all you are an angel Kevin ,
your emails id changed me in a very good way i start to understand things i never thoughts i will be able to understand it,
I really wish to meet you :) .
yes i will not try to contact her but she keep block and unblock ,last time she unlooked me i sent her farewell email in good way she didn’t replay at all i think i should not sent it ,as she keep my brother in her FB AND SHE NEVER block him , let see wht will happen in her birthday next week ,
BEST REGARDS,
ADAM
Thank you Adam. Good Luck. :)
hi Kevin,
today is her birthday should i sent her message or a call ,
since im sure she is expecting me to do or contact her family ?
please advice ..
Just send a text. Keep it short.
OUR ANGEL ,
good day to you!!
I sent a short message but from other number no sign from her at all ,
but in her birthday in the morning she an block my FB and my wahtsapp for few mints ,Kevin i dont know what to do she never be so hard and never change her mind and i have a felling she is still in her city she did not move as she tried to tell me ,its so hard felling i really need an advice i can accept she pass me but not this way ..
please
Hey Adam,
You have to stop obsessing over her so much. You should not be checking your facebook and whatsapp so much that you know when she is unblocking you. You should be going out and having fun with your life. Try to remove her from your contact list so you are not constantly checking on her. Do no contact for a month or two and try checking again after that.
Hi Kevin,
I posted a comment on one of your blogs but I guess it didn't go through so I'm gonna tell you about my situation. My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a week ago after being with him for 16 months. Im 23 and he’s 26. He said he has thought it through and wants to be friends. I am so heartbroken that it has been so difficult for me to do school work and everything else. He’s someone I truly love and I thought we had something special. He was someone who I thought I was going to marry someday. He told me he loved me and would never leave me, well I guess I got fooled on that one. We did talk about our future about getting married and what not and so I need help in showing him what he’s missing and see how lucky of a wonderful woman he had in his life. So I need help in getting him back permanently. To also add that he told me that he can’t imagine his life without me and it would be weird if I wasn’t in his life anymore so I don’t know if that means something or not. Thanks Kevin.
Follow the advice in the article Krista.
Hey Kevin ..
I've already posted a comment before.. but didn't find it .. so .. here it's again :-D
I've been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years .. We've been on and off for a year now .. couple of days ago I told him I couldn't take it any more .. because he's always busy with he's friends.. and we ended up yelling at each other .. and ending our relationship for the 10th time maybe in a year .. he blocked me on all the social media , im and phone ..
But .. i still love him .. and he told me a weeks ago that he loves me too .. but he can't take the idea of us getting back together any more .. cuz I'm putting too much pressure on him and we had oue chances.. I've already started the NC role .. after apologising for him for all the yelling.. but I don't know if it's the best way for my situation .. i want him to re-appreciate me .. and the NC roll worked for us before .. but I'm sick of using it each time we have a fight .. plus, we keep breaking up for the same reasons everytime because he refuse to change !!
What do you think?
I think you should think things through this time and make sure that if you get back together, it's because you are sure you will have a great relationship together. Work on your communication skills meanwhile and before getting back together, be very specific about what you expect from the relationship and if he is not willing to provide it be ready to walk away.
When we got back last time .. it was 2 months oh honeymoon .. then at first fight .. everything went wrong again .. I'm trying to get over my jeolsy issue .. and actually .. I'm starting to see it a stupid thing .. but it's too late now .. i don't want to lose him .. it's been amazing 3 years .. and I'm afraid that i already have :(..
He moved back to his town 4 months ago .. and I'm doing the NC for almost 2 weeks .. but a mutual friend told that he'll be in town next week .. should i contact him ? :(
Don't contact him. If he contacts you, reply. But don't meet him yet. Tell him you need some space and time and like I said before, do no contact for a while.
Ok .. I'll continue the NC .. but do you think i gave a chance with him?
I've posted the details in a comment but i didn't find it .. do i really have hope after all the issues we had?
Hi Kevin,
I'm so confused?? My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after talking for a year and dating for a year. He said that he loved me but wasn't "in love "with me. I don't believe him because I know that he has been hurt before and is afraid to let his guard down. He tells me all the time that I'm the one and all his friends love me. Now all of the sudden he wants to take a break and see if this is what he really wants? and all I want to is talk about the problems and wrong through them? What should I do? Do I not talk to him for 30 days. Was I living a lie? I do believe in my heart of hearts that he does really love me. Is there Hope???
There is hope. Follow the 5 step plan. If he still loves you, this plan will work.
Kevin,
What is the difference between loving someone and being "in love"? And even though my boyfriend told me that we need a break, do you think he would say that is we really didn't stand a chance? Was that is way of letting me down easy?
I'm having a really hard time with the NC rule, even though we haven't talked i'm still so depressed and all I want to do is cry. I go out with friends all the time and i'm okay until I get home. I can't even bring myself to look at another man. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? I have been like this for 3 weeks and the pain just keeps getting worse.. PLEASE HELP
Hey Ray,
It means different thing to different people. In most cases, when someone is unsure of their feelings, they say this. I think that was the case with your ex. I can't be sure (since I can't read his mind) so don't just take my word for it.
I understand how you are feeling and I can assure it gets better with time. I'll recommend that you start keeping yourself busy at home as well. There are tons of things you can do. Read books on self-improvement. Practice a skill or a hobby that you like. Meditate. Slowly you should start imagining a future without him in your life. Once you reach that point, you will be feeling much better. I will also recommend you don't end no contact even after 30 days if you still feel miserable and you don't satisfy the checklist in Step 4 above.
Hello Kevin,
My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago and has been ignoring me constantly. We saw each other on a friend's party on friday and she smiled but we didn't speak. She did send me 2 texts on whatsapp but I decided it was best to not respond. This Friday would have been our 1 year anniversary. So I break NC to send a tiny message of any sort or not?
No. You shouldn't contact her on your anniversary.
Hi kevin heres my situation I need help instantly, my ex broke up with me 3 days ago because I made to many mistakes drunken texts to other women and mistakes during the relationship I know I want and need her back ive already made quite a few mistakes before reading this she says she moved on but I begged for her back saying I could change just wondering what I could do from now onwards? Ill do whatever it takes and I know you cant promise me anything but its worth a risk afterall atm she just says no more chances ive moved on and so should you I think shes moved on to try and protect herself so it doesnt hurt as much and she tells me to f**k off everytime I try and show her ive changed I need help immediately thanks kevin.
Follow the plan kall.
hey! can anybody please tell me, why aren't my post are shown here, when I'm trying to post something about my problem?? I really need help.. please :(
Hello Kevin and everyone else :),
(Sorry if there are any mistakes, English isn't my native language)
First of all to Kevin: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your blog but also your emails were the only thing that prevented me from loosing (completely) my mind.
My boyfriend of 4 years decided to end up things about a month ago, it was very difficult and painful for the both of us. I went trough all the stages possible and I'm afraid I made a fool of myself although he is used to and very patient with my nevrosis :p. We are best friends and our relationship used to be very very strong (its our first relationship as a matter of a fact), so it was the most devastating time when he told me he needed space to sort out his feelings and himself, etc. He is going trough some kind of life crisis having started his first job and having to deal with growing up and responsabilities (we're both 24). He is cutting himself from his familly and long time friends as well. I went to see him to talk about the break up and say goodbye, it was very touching, but I noticed that the more dettached I acted the more concerned he seemed, trying to reasure me and everything. He admitted that he is afraid of loosing me forever but that he also wants me to be happy and can't be selfish enough to call this a break and have me waiting without knowing.
I went into no contact for 2 weeks after that meeting but then something silly happened and I did the mistake of seeing him again for a few hours (making a fool of myself imo as I cried at some point of the conversation). It was like he was trying to protect himself and I, by being colder this time but he cried again at some point (he is really not the type of personn that cries easily) after we had some fun time talking to each other about life like we always do.
He told me that more than anything he needed me to be ok and to respect his need for time to himself for now, that his feelings were too confused, that he has love but that what he felt before had decay.
I read all your emails and article and I know what went wrong, I still believe like you that attraction can be rebuilt, when he is ready for it, eventhough I also know I have to sort of move on in the meantime.
Anyway I'm starting over again the NC, my question is can it still work? I'm very worried that because I messed it up once its too late? 2 month enough? 3 month too much?
Thank you so very much for your help and support :)
Hello Kevin,
I agreed everything yo have said on your website. However, my situation is much different just regular broke up. I have dealt with major depression for 3 years, and I have attempted 3 suicides last month, and that was one of the great reason I have broke up with him after dating 2 years and a half.
I know I already hurt him so much by tried to harm myself, but I didn't wanted to hurt him anymore than that. I let him know why I broke up with him, and thankfully he understood the reason why.
A little after 30 days not contacting and seeing him, we finally got to see each other today. My depression is pretty much gone now, and I am a much better person, even a whole new different person! When we got to talk, he said he doesn't see us ever going back together in the future. But I know he still really cares about me, and I care about him too.
I let him know I am not going to force to date him back, cuz I respect him, and it was nice to see his face. That was the end of our conversation.
What would you do or what advise could you give me in this situation?
My advice is that you do no contact for another 2-3 weeks. And then start texting him and ask him out again. This time, hang out as friends and have a nice time and don't talk about getting back together. Just enjoy yourself and let it be his idea to get back together. And congrats on overcoming your depression. :)
Hey, my ex and I want to get back together, but I don't think my parents will let us. When he broke up with me, I made him seem like more of a jerk than he really is. He apologized and it made total sense to me but I doubt it will to my parents. What should I do?
Hey Kevin
So I've been following your emails religiously since my ex broke up with me 3 months ago.
My situation is slightly awkward although I'm sure you will have come across it before, I just need some advice on how to proceed.
My ex and I are family friends from way back. In fact the families along with everyone else was shocked when he ended it. We've done no contact for about 3 month but we still see each other almost weekly because of our families. Unfortunately not a way to avoid it, although we have both tried hard. I know it's hard for him when he sees me, and I'm nowhere near over him. But he's also very adamant that he's made the right decision because of the arguments we've been having.
But here's the thing - I've learn a lot through your emails and relationship rewind. Learnt where I went wrong - him too, but I focussed on my errors. I want him to know, but I'm worried he's not in a place to acknowledge accept or understand. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I know he loved me...maybe he still does, but the arguments rightly so got on top of him. Thanks
Meg
I read through your article. Its really inspiring and motivating. I have faith in your tips. My question is that, my boyfriend is very capricious. I do not understand what he really feels or thinks about me. There are times when he is planing to make me his wife and have babies and wishes that they look just like me BUT the VERY NEXT MOMENT, he ditches me like trash. I love him to bits.
I forgave him for all his flaws and accepted all his imperfections because no one is perfect, However, I am torn apart with his behaviour. Is he just taking me as a spare tyre? A second option? I just want to know his true feelings for me. I am okay if he is not in love with me as I know that it is his right to fall in love with whoever he wants. I just need an answer. How do I approach a man to open up with his deepest emotions Kevin? I waited 6 years for this man. Help me please. Thank you so much.
learning to let a peson go is part of growing up, accepting that other people might not plan their future by your side is a maturity trait,
why dont you help people get over their pain and grow as a person instead of helping them on this?
Hey,
Actually, that is one of the main things I talk about on this website. To accept the breakup and learn to be happy without your ex. You can see it in Step 3.
My wife left on August 13th. And a few weeks later she came back amd left the next day again. Then she came back on September 21st and we connected and we got together again. But 3 days in she told me was with another man and slept with him. Then she told me she wasn't happy and that he made her happy. Then she left to be with him. Is there anything I can do at this point?
Hey Raul,
I think you should move on. If she comes back again, don't accept her and agree to be with her. Let her prove that she is serious this time.
Hi Kevin,
I have been broken up with my boyfriend for a month, he has narcissist ways, but sometimes he is okay. I have a daughter, he though I was cheating on him with a couple of my friends that always called or texted me. I felt he did not want me there because he was sick of my daughter and me. He has two wild kids that came over part time that I did everything for. I got another job he thought I wasn't going to have enough to help out as much. Our rent was close to 3400, and I went to his house and he has a 25 year old roomate. She is not cute, she is a bar tender, someone that he would be embarrassed about. I am 36 and he is 47. He told my family horrible lies about me called every phone number on my phone log. I went to see him, he was with me, but he said this is just hurting both of us. He said what am I going to do with a 25 year old..but it was weird how much he smiled. I wrote him a love letter, he wrote his version and emailed it to me. He clocked my number. I told him last night God let this happen. I still want him in my life, I told him that I love him. I tried to do no contact for a month. He lost so much weight he looks like a skeleton, he said look what you did to me..I am confused. He said that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I don't want a wrinkled up guy like him..someone help..I was kinda desperate, but not really, he said your not saying anything that is making me change my mind. I have left him alone, I'm trying not to email or go see him at his house. I told him before it got bad that I would make it up to him everyday of my life. He told me now, I wouldn't of done what I did if I loved him, all I ever talked about with my friend is how I feel he doesn't like me as much. He would be with me when his kids were gone, but I felt he was pushing me away.. so what to do? If I could salvage everything would it be a miracle?Please someone out there.. I have never wrote on the internet before..
I have a question, my ex and I broke up about 3 months and we haven't contact each other at all, so all your steps; I followed, since you said that he's missing me during the no contact...If we have NO contact and NO communication, how are we gonna find each other again? Destiny? Faith? What...? He broke up with me so I think he have to come to me but how is that gonna happen
You are going to contact him after one month of no contact.
My girlfriend broke up with me just a couple of days ago. She said that she felt insecure for our future and somehow she decided to break up with me. In facts, we been lovely together for about 172 days. I admit that sometimes been really selfish to her, neglecting her feelings and eventually she felt really despair to me. Honestly telling, I love her very very much! I'd learned how to cherish my love ones. This couple of days I'd been really regret and I promise myself in hearts that i will not letting her felt that way again. I hope u guys can really help me out and give me some ideas whether to get back my love ones.
Hi, I will follow your progam to the dot... But I would like your opinion...
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a daughter of 1,5 years. We have had quite some fights, and he actually can get physical and I get pretty mean in words. Every time we have the mildest argument, he takes the bus to his mum who lives 2 hours away, and stays there. He don't answer his phone, he text me things like "whore" etc, he is very mean when we at last talk, but he always comes back in the end, normally he is back within 1-2 days.
I have been wondering for some time if he has some sort of empathy distortion, so I am not certain this method will work on him? He always has come back, but he always says that I have manipulated him to come back.
Well, Yesterday we had a fight again. He got into his usual routine and left the building; went to his mum. This time is rather different from the rest though. He didnt text any mean stuff to me while travelling, only "I changed the pick up time at childcare to 15.00", and then silence. He has blocked my phonenumber. He has cut us off completely. Normally his mum would call and say he needs some time to cool off, but there has been nothing but silence.
And I am left with hope, questions, thoughts and our daughter who wonders where dad is. I'm the one that have to figure this whole thing out and make things work.
Anyway, I will really follow your instructions and hope that things will be fine. But this time Everything feel so different from the rest of the times that he has "quit". How do I have no contact, with someone who blocks me? :( He won't notice that I wont try to reach him. I am not sure how to proceed to be honest...
You will not be doing no contact for him to notice. You will be doing it for yourself. Him blocking will even make it easier for you to concentrate on yourself.
But doesn't blocking means that he does NOT WANT TO HEAR from you anymore? The man I love did that too. :(
Hey Simran,
In my opinion, he is going to keep you as a second option if you let him keep you that way. My advice is to follow the plan and learn to be happy without him. Start moving on with your life and when he realizes he is going to lose you forever, he will probably want you back. And most people block someone simply because they were angry or you were harassing them constantly. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to hear from you anymore. And in my experience, most exes unblock their ex after a while. Even if he doesn't, you can email him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan after 2-3 months of no contact.
My ex an I have been together for 9 months and we been off and on for the last two months. He ended breaking up with me 2 weeks ago, 3 days after his birthday. The breakup was over an argument he was petty and I was petty right back by throwing some personal things around his room and destroying his gifts from me on his birthday. He said he needs a long break from me and space. He just turned 32 and I'm 21. A lot of people say that's our age difference but I don't think so. I truly love him and still want to work it out. We have never had trust issues until these last couple of weeks. We haven't talk for a week and I don't know what to do.
Follow the plan Tia.
Me and my ex broke up only 5 days ago. It was so out of the blue we were fine last Wednesday morning then from Wednesday night onwards he just started ignoring me. On Friday he text me and said he promised he would see me Sunday but then he ignored me again so I texted is mum to collect my things from his house. His mum told me he had cheated on me again on both nights he ignored me. He had previously cheated on me with my best friend and I took him back but now I have just found out they are actually together now. He says he loves her. We have been together 4 years. Is there any hope for me?
Hey Becca,
You do have a chance but you should do NC for at least 2 months and think things through before trying to get him back.
Hi Kevin
I had been doing NC for a couple of days. He text me saying "I hope your doing ok" what does this mean? Does it mean he misses me? I just want him back this is so painful :'(
It doesn't mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
Hi Kevin,
Could I get feed back on my situation? I have posted it here twice and on the board? Sorry just feeling desperate ATM!
thanks
Meg
Thanks Kevin, I just hope it's not already to far gone. How do you feel about my issues posted on the no contact forum? I told him if give him space, do you think going to the BBQ will not be respecting that?
Hey Megan,
Your decision of going to the party should not be based on what he will think of you. It should be based on whether or not it'll make you feel good. Don't decide to go there (or not) just to prove him something. Ask yourself if it'll make you feel good about yourself. Will seeing your ex make you uncomfortable? Will you be able to enjoy yourself if you see your ex there? Will you be able to handle your emotions? If you think you are ready, go for it. It doesn't matter how he will react to you going because you are going to the party for yourself and not for him.
Hi kevin
I left comment yesterday but its not there I think u deleted it
Hey Shivaji,
I don’t normally approve comments asking questions. If you have questions regarding berakup, please post it in the message boards.
I've got nothing but respect for you man .
Keep it up , it's gonna be hard but you need to follow the program .
Also , don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter !
Good luck
Previous message was intended for Biswajit .
KEVIN,
It has been 5 months since I asked for your help. From that day on, I cannot imagine myself up to this day. I felt lost, inferior and unworthy. Just because of one person who had dumped me in the most stoneheartedly possible way she knows.
Though it affected me so much that I wasn't able to function as a human being (yes, I felt like a robot) for about 4 months and had taken for granted most of the things I must be doing, I am thankful that I finally did it!
I'm so glad she didn't take me back no matter how much I have begged her. Because if she did take me back, then I might be just a doormat all my life I will be with her. If she had taken me back, maybe I am still not happy until now. So I am somehow thankful to her. Because of how she broke up with me, I was able to see the real her. I was able to see how she treated someone who had always been with her that she just dumped because finally she was already on her dream life that she no longer needs me.
And with your help, I stopped feeling guilty for her attitude towards me, because it defines her and not me.
I am a lot stronger and wiser now! I prayed to the Lord that may this heartbreak soften and humble me instead of making my heart hard rock, so that I might never take anyone for granted. I have no plans yet of being a relationship not because I lost faith in love but because I have never experienced before how happy it is to be single! I wouldn't want to bind myself to someone who just uses me. And there will be no getting back together.
I've never been this happy! I wasn't able to get her back like the initial plan we had but I was able to gain something greater: FRIENDS - Rihanna, A.Z., Dara, Daniel, Edward, Steve, Sunshinegirl, David, Joe (I hope I'm not forgetting anyone)
Thank you so much OLDIES and KEVIN! I wouldn't have made it without you! *fist bomb to all* :D
I might be the underdog in the beginning but now I emerged as a victor :D
Hey RAED,
It's so nice to hear from you. I am glad this website helped you in your journey and I am proud of how far you've come. The oldies have been little quiet lately. I guess most of them are busy with their lives. Hopefully, they'll check in soon. All the best.
My ex since april just liked a picture i uploaded on instagram
We're both 18, we had a distance relationship and we broke up because of my insecurities and i were very immature when we didn't have the time to see eachother, i forgot we had distance in the last months with him.. i was very clingy and a real bitch. 2 weeks after we broke up, i told him i realized what i did, i apoligized and asked for another chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. I did wrong, but it's all forgotten now i hope. In the relationship he was very loyal, reminded me everyday about i was his true love, he had never felt this way before and he wanted to build a future with me, like move in after school.
We were together in 6 months,
I've followed the 5 steps plan and i have been seeing a few other guys since we broke up, but sadly i can't stop thinking about my ex.. The latest talk we had was over facebook in the beginning of september.
What should i do now? maybe start a conversation later? he broke his leg in summer, maybe i should ask him how's it going?
Please help if you feel you have any advice!
Thanks :)
Hey everyone !
I uploaded a pic to instagram yesterday and my ex liked it..! what should i do now? Snapchat or write to him or something? please help if you feel to :(
Here's the story between me and him, i posted this in summer and in early september:
Hey guys! i’ve just started a conversation with my ex, we haven’t talked for like 3 months. I still feel kind of insecure of writing to him, but he is in my town so i couldn’t resist starting a conversation.. What should i do now after the conversation? should i let him be for a few days or snapchat him later? I asked him if it’s good between us, he said yes. Down below is my recent updates from everything between me and my ex!
i would love some help..
I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance
What do you guys think?
One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want
Help wanted!
Lovisa :)
Hi Kevin,
I did something really stupid, my boyfriend broke up and i tried to give him space but only gave him two days... so i tried to be "romantic" went over his house to talk to him and he yelled at me and called me crazy. so i just left super heart broken and text him im sorry and haven't contact him after that. i wonder if we still have a chance because he called me crazy...HELP
Yes, you do.
Kevin,
Bro u saved me u really saved me. I turned 31 on Sep 2. I am from India and I was in a serious relationship with an American girl. We met in a gaming site in 2012 and were completely in love with each other for last 2 and half years. She started the relationship with a big lie, about her age, she kissed a guy in USA while we were together but I overlooked everything cuz I was in deep mad love with her. We were to meet for the first time this December I was so so happy for it.
5 months back she started acting weird. She would give me very less time on cam, won't reply my messages properly and would basically tell me she is busy. But since I loved her like crazy I kept being in love with her. But on Sep 2 when she cam with me after 2 months to wish me on my birthday I could see she has changed. She didn't have the joy, the happiness on her beautiful face which she used to have in the past while talking with me.
After few days she wrote me this- jeet you have been a perfect bf to me but idk why but I don't feel your need in my life. So, I don't know what to do with us.
I could;t believe my eyes when I read that message. Days later she told me she loves me a lot and she is looking forward to meet me in December. Few days later she went back to her crazy self, ignoring my calls, messages. Then I started acting desperate messaging her calling her but she started to be even more aloof of me. The last Sunday on 21-09-2014 I called her phone she was shopping with family and friends I was almost crying telling her I am hurt cuz of her behavior of ignoring me. Rather than comforting me she told me in the most rude voice- I am shopping with friends I am busy and I can't talk much now. She hung up the phone.
I cried my whole Sunday. Messaged her I feel I am done with her and I won't message her again. She didn't reply me for next three days. But since I can't live without her I started again messaging her calling her literally begging her to take me back I even messaged her best friends to talk to her to take me back. But she wrote me this yesterday-u have to stop harassing my friends.
Last 10 days I could sleep only 3 hours a night, stopped working out, eating was rare and I lost 10 pounds while I saw my ex has opened a new facebook account and posting happy pics of hers. How can she be this cruel? I remained loyal, passionate and loving to her? I forgave her major mistakes and literally was living for her for last 2 and half years.
Fortunately after spending 3 days with family I am feeling little better and now after reading your article I feel this. If she can't love me even after getting my obsessive love maybe she doesn't deserve me. My heart still wants her and I would start the no contact thing religiously from now onwards. I would start work out again, would go out and do things like I am happy without her.
If she comes back good or else I dont need her to be happy.
KEVIN a big thank you for making me feel better.
Take Care,
Biswajit
My story is exactly like yours Biswajit. The only difference is that I have waited for this one man for 6 years. He is/was my FIRST love, my first romance, my first passion and my first desire. I wish you will find joy in within yourself. Remember, it is never worth being a doormat for anyone, even for the one you love the most. We are all there for you :) Regards, Simran (Malaysia)
Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It’s just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?
Bestever , Thank you Kevin .
Kevin,
so me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up 7 days ago and I have been in no contact ever since my question is when we broke up she said she still wanted to date me to try and rekindle our relationship then that day she blocked me off all social media? why would she say this we lived together for a majority of the two years and I moved out her family loves me and she has a son who is now 5 who I've grown very close too since I've been in his life I have to come to realize that I might truly never get her back but I am in love with her and I feel she is worth fighting for what drove us apart was my neediness and insecurity towards the last 6 months of our relationship when we were first together I was in much better shape and I much more confident guy since then I have been working out everyday and hanging out with friends etc do you think I have a chance kevin?
Yes, you do have chance. Follow the plan. If she is worth fighting for, you should fight for her.
Hi everyone ! my bf just broke up with me since 5days ago. That was heart broke for me and i beg him to stay. I put down my pride and ask for another chance for both of us but he insist NO. It's been two years and its coming to our anniversary. He said that he still want to remain friend because he don't want to lose me and be stranger again. Its hard for me at first because how can i still love he but we can only be friend? after few days i text-ed him last night and tell him i miss us but i know that we can't go back like how we used to be anymore. And i said that that will be the last time Im telling him this. I think i should start the NO CONTACT move from now :) thanks for the article its help !
6 years relationship. Past year, boyfriend started a relationship with girl in another country, so he visits when he can (every 4-5 months) and they video every day and text.
During that year, he was still with me, same country, we were not living together.
Few months ago, we ended it mutually, saying he had to work on some issues (communication, guilt and savior pattern) and I was having health issues. But the days after the breakup, he kept texting me nice messages, and every week we would see each other and sometimes be intimate. We do see each other at our religious group.
He has been always keeping the door open (dont want to be in relationship ''for now'', still have love for you but dont want relationship, you are an amazing person, ...)
His text messages are : sending you lots of love, kisses, big hugs, good morning cuddles under the covers...
In 3 weeks, we will attend an event wher both of us will be present. So I have started the NC (although this complicates things since he is also my teacher).
We had both said that at that event, we would evaluate what we want to do, remain friends or more or what. We also agreed that that date was a bit early for our mutual changes but it was a easily date to set because of the event.
I am so confused from his messages, and him being in another relationship (long distance). He is amazing when in person with me, and has always been there, even came to hospital with me and waited for 12 hours, talked many times on the phone about us, about school too.
I dont want to feel victim here, I want to choose and feel in control of something.
I don't have many friends, he is my closest friend so the NC is very hard (specially because there is also a major situation with school - I can't contact him about it - NC)
Your clarity would be appreciated.
Hey Elocin,
The only way to be in control is to do NC. It'll be hard. But you'll have to put yourself out there and start making new friends, and doing new things. Y
Thank you very much. Congrats for the site.
Hi Kevin,
perplexed of your answer. Are you saying nothing will become of this relationship and I should move on, or that the NC may get us romantically?
I feel he is sending mixed messages, loves me, but something is keeping him from committing.
Thank you again so very much, to help us silly emotional over-thinking ladies!
Hey Elocin,
When you start no contact, you are already starting to move on. The beauty of no contact is that it helps you in both moving and getting back together. During no contact, you should decide whether or not YOU want to get back with him (as described in the article). This is the only way to take control of your life and not depend on someone else for your emotional and mental well being. You should reach a point where you should be OK with the possibility of not getting him back. If at the end of no contact, you do want him back, then you should contact him and see how things go. If it doesn't work, you should move on.
Hi Kevin, seems like I noticed a pattern with my email subscription. Last Thursday I didn't receive an email and today (Thursday) I also didn't receive one. Just wanted to bring it to your attention.
Hey Robert,
There is an occasional gap in the email series. You didn't miss anything.
I wrote back in April asking about my ex. His dad had cancer and he said with that, his school and his work, he just needed to be alone. Kevin told me to give him at least two months before trying to contact him. At the end of June, his dad got really sick and passed away. I tried to text him to see if he was okay, but he had blocked me on his phone within the first week of the breakup. I went to the funeral, but didn't really talk to him. I mingled with the family and sat as far away from them during the funeral. Since then I texted him twice, the last time being the end of August, where I asked him if we could be texting friends. I woke up the other morning to a text from him asking "why should we be texting?" I texted later and told him I wasn't going to give him a reason because you shouldn't need a reason to text someone. Then later texted and told him I want to be his friend but can't make him want to be mine. He told me he was in class. Yesterday I texted and told him I didn't know the right time to text anymore so just to write me back whenever and asked how his dogs were. I've gotten nothing. I've not texted him today but I'm so confused. 1) can the 5 step plan work for us? 2) why would he break his 5 1/2 month silence? 3) why would it seem like he started it right back up again? 4) how much time should I give before I tried to text him again?
He's switched jobs and schools, so if what he told me was the truth, could be be reaching out?
Hey Tiffany,
I think you should wait 1-2 weeks before texting him again. You should not contact him directly asking him to be friends. You should take things slowly. Use a text that is more subtle as mentioned above. If he is cold and doesn't text you, you should wait at least one month before texting him again. But this time, keep things light and don't approach him directly.
I subscribed there but not getting confirmation email
Please check your spam folder.
kevin I was wondering if you saw my post?
Hey James,
I can't find your post. You can ask questions and get feedback faster on the message boards.
Hi Kevin,
I had no NC with my ex for few months then we started emailing each other with idea to be friends and talk only once in a while (she ended it). After 2 years of this, i went to see her and spend week together. All old feeling came back and felt so happy and we had physical relations as well. I sense she is still wanting to not get back together since she likes her life as it is, but after coming home, I miss her all over again and feels like we broke up again. She seems fine though. I'm going to follow the 5 steps in this article and hope one day she wants to try again. I wont go back to pleading and obsessing like i did before...thats what also ruined it for us initially i think. Any thoughts are great...thanks!
kevin i feel the same thing about my ex. he hurt my heart. we dated for one day and then bam he hurt my heart.
Ok.. so i dont think my first comment passed the test. Here goes... 35 years old.. first relationship i had in 15 years was a month long and ended last week. She text to break it off citing slight jealousy and overall too intense. She felt i was trying too hard to be in a relationship with her when she just wanted to date. I did nice things for her and we never had a bad time, no fights or disagreements. I havent contacted her... hoping to last til Oct 10 aka canadian thanksgiving weekend giving me an IN to contact her. She went out with a "friend" the day before she dumped me to celebrate him settling with his ex wife. Now i see facebook posts of him bringing her coffee and a football shirt at work. Should i be worried... do i even have a chance with only having dated for a month eventhough we saw eachother almost every other day? Tips, Tactics? my instinct is killing me right now... :(
Hey Grant,
You have a chance but it's pretty slim. Although, there's a good chance that you were really trying to hard since it was your first relationship after a long time. Contact her after no contact is over and try to take things slow and just enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work, or if she is still not interested, just forget about her and try to find someone else.
One further question. Before she ended things i had an artist friend begin drawing a portrait of her kids and the dog from a picture i found. Heres the dilema... its finished... its paid for and now i have it. What should i do with it? Some people have told me to trash it but its so nice i can't bring myself to do it. I'm thinking of hanging onto it for a bit just incase there is some sort of second chance after the no contact period where i might be able to give it to her. If at some point i realize theres zero hope for anything i would consider just mailing it to her with a simple letter... What do you think i should do?
I agree with you.
after 10 days of no contact i've just been deleted from her facebook.... Im in complete panic now... help!!!! :'( Is all hope lost????
No Grant. It doesn't mean much. Continue with no contact and follow the plan.
Hey. I'm on no contact stage now. It seems work. My ex started to reach me back by call me and message me. But like you said, DON'T REPLY ANY OF THEM, so yeah i ignored all the phone calls and messages. But i'm afraid he'll think that i hate him and he start to move on. I noticed that he deleted all my pictures on his instagram, and my friend who also his friend told me that, he close to another girl and it seems like he has relationship with that girl, which actually makes me a little bit frustrated. Is that mean he has remove me from his life?
Next time he contacts you, just tell him you need some space and time right now and you don't want to stay in touch with him for some time.
Kevin, I need some advice please. Me and my girlfriend of over 6 years have been separated for about 3 months. Originally it was suppose to be a break but I messed up by chasing her, being needy and pushed her away and now we are broken up. During the 3 months we would talk and still hang out. Last time we talked 3 weeks ago she said she didn't know if we were going to get back together. She said that we needed time with no contact but said to let her know when we would start so she wouldn't be texting or calling me with no response. I went ahead and started a no contact period without telling her. She texted me once 2 weeks ago asking to be taken off my cell phone plan. We had to meet up at the cell phone store. That day she acted like she was upset with me and I hardly talk to her. Yesterday she called me and I didn't answer then she texted me explaining more on the cell phone plan. Then she said that she hoped I would have answered so she wouldn't have to text me a long message and if she could have just 10 more minutes of my life if I had time. I decided to call her and she was saying that she knows that I'm going to move on and she was going to move on but it felt weird not to talk to me cause I was her best friend and her boyfriend. I told her it felt weird for me too but that this is what she wanted time with no contact and I didn't want any of this (meaning the break up). She said I should have told her cause right now we have to have contact in order to get all our stuff settled (separating everything we have under our names) then we can stop talking. She also said she was shocked that I mailed her paperwork and I didn't call her to just drop it off. I kept it cool throughout the conversation and before we hung up I apogized to her for acting needy and clingy these past months. Throughout the conversation she had a sad tone. I'm wondering if she is in the missing me stage you talk about in your emails but I'm not sure if she is missing me enough to get back together. What next steps should I take? Do I continue a no contact or beginning to talk to her again? I can honestly say that I can check off most of the things on the list when begging contact again. Or should I start a "false friendship" talked about in Relationship Rewind? My therapist says I should talk to her and tell her that I want to work things out but not sure if I should do that. Please help me out!
Hey Robert,
If you satisfy the checklist, then you can end no contact and begin the "false friendship" stage. I'll not recommend being clear about your intentions just now. You should build up a little bit of attraction before telling her that you want to work things out.
Thanks Kevin. I feel like I have a plan now where as before I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I think I'm going to wait a week or two to begin that stage to regain myself a little bit. After I posted the comment she posted on Facebook that she got a gym membership. I know you say in your emails not to let what she posts get to me and I'm trying not to but this one kind of is. I can't help to think she might be moving on and you might disagree. Anyway do you believe that is a good plan?
Hi, one more question, on Relationship Rewind it says to wait for her to reach out to me and suggest a friendship and that offering a friendship without her suggestion will push her away. So what should I do? Wait for her? Or initiate on my own? I'm kind of confused now.
Don't suggest friendship when you reach out to her. Just start talking casually. If the topic of your relationship with her comes up, then tell her that you just want to be friends.
Thank you for the advice.
Hi Kevin I'm needing advice once again. I feel like I messed up. Instead of going the route I mentioned above. I decided to write her a letter going off the sample letter on your email. Today she received it. She texted me saying “just wanted to let you know that I got your letter” and I wasn’t sure what to say and I just said “ok then”. In the letter I finished up by saying that we needed space right now as in the sample letter. Now she unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. She unfriended every one in my family and even her sister unfriended me. To be honest it kind of bums me out. The weird thing is I had spoken with her the day before for some paperwork to do with our car. When I called her she answered by saying "Oh you're alive!" I asked her what she meant and she was saying that I haven’t called her and that it has been a month that we have hung out. We hung up and she called me back afterwards and said she couldn't do this that I wouldn't answer her texts and phone calls but she answers my calls. I once again told her she is the one who wanted space. Then she texted me saying "you messed me up I was feeling fine but now I feel like crap". I apologized for calling her. Now I feel bad for sending the letter. Did I send the letter too soon? What does her unfriending me mean? Kevin can you help me out on what to do next?
Hey Robert,
She probably again had emotions stirred up inside of her which made her unfriend you. Continue no contact for a couple of weeks. Send her a text after that.
Hi Kevin I could not have messed up even more. Acting on advice given to me by my coworker I decided to meet up with her and tell her how I was feeling. I thought she was on the “missing you badly” stage and thought her feelings had changed but I was sadly mistaken. Our talk got me no where or probably even worse than where I was. I talked to her about how I was feeling frustrated and confused about the space she wanted and that I thought we would be back together by now and other stuff. She told me that she does miss me but as her best friend but not her boyfriend. She also said that she would be lying if she told me that there was a chance of us getting back together. Ouch!! She also said that she feels lonely and she would want to get back together cause of that but it would be unfair to me. She also told me that the letter really messed her up and showed her that I was moving on and ugh I could not have messed up even more by telling her that I copied it from somewhere! I know you'll be disappointed with me on that. People tell me that she probably wanted to get back together and the letter made her feel like I was moving on. The whole thing was a disaster. I feel like I messed up and I should have followed no contact longer. So if you’re still reading this messed up situation I need advice. Is there really no chance of getting back together? Can I even recover from such a disaster? Where do I go from here? I almost feel like I’m back to square one, a mess and like at first.