Your ex boyfriend might have refused to talk to you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. The truth is getting him to talk to you again isn’t really the hard part. But first you need to figure out why he stopped talking to you.ex_not_talking

Speaking for men, we don’t really cut off communication with a girl unless we have a pretty solid reason for it. Let’s go over few of the common reasons men tell a girl to not contact them.

Reason 1. You have been bombarding him with text messages and calls (The Most Common Reason)

In my experience, the most common reason for a guy to stop talking to his girlfriend is because she has been harassing him. If you are constantly messaging and calling your ex, then he is bound to get tired of you. He understands that you are hurt from the breakup, and he understands that you want to convince him to get back together, and he is tired of it.

Read how to use texts properly to get your ex back.

When you are messaging him constantly or commenting on all of his facebook status updates, you are telling him that you are not still needy and desperate. When you call him and tell him that you miss him, you are telling him that you are miserable without him and you will do anything to get him back.

Maybe your instincts will have you believe that harassing him will make him come back, but it’s not so. (Read how instincts screw with you after a breakup). In fact, everything you do that makes you look needy is going to make your ex boyfriend less attracted to you and more sure about his decision of breaking up. I am sure that’s not what you want, that’s why you should take a step back and go on no contact for a while. We’ll talk about it in a little while.

Reason 2. He is applying the no contact rule and is trying to move on (Less Common)

It could be that your ex has decided to start no contact and is trying to move on. Or maybe he is applying the no contact rule to try to win you back. If this is the situation, then there is nothing you can do unless he decides to end his no contact.

You have to respect the fact that your ex needs some space and time for himself. Like I say constantly through this site, the no contact rule is for you. It’s for you to decide what you want in life and what is good for you. It’s for you to regain your composure and become a happier person. This is exactly what your ex is doing at this time. So why not let him?

Said Every Girl Reading This Article

Said Every Girl Reading This Article

OK, I understand it’s a little hard to comprehend the fact that he might move on during the no contact period. But there is literally nothing you can do about it. If he decided to start no contact, then every message you send him is only going to make you more needy in his idea. During the no contact rule, he is going to think of you and the relationship. You should let him. Let him come to his own conclusion whether or not he should get back with you. And who knows maybe he will decide that he wants to get back with you. And even if he doesn’t, it’s his loss.

So What Should You Do?

For starters, stop contacting him and start the no contact rule as well. Stay away from him for 30 days and then send him a message (Read 5 Essential things you must do after no contact). If he doesn’t respond, then he is still doing no contact. Give him another 15 days and then try contacting him again. If he still doesn’t respond, then you can either try again after 15 days or try to move on (my advice will be to move on, but I have a feeling you won’t take it).

Reason 3: His New Girlfriend Won’t Let Him Talk To Me (Least Common But The Worst Situation)

If he has a new girlfriend and she is not letting him talk to you, then you have a serious situation. There is literally nothing you can do that won’t make you look like a crazy, jealous and stalky ex girlfriend. And once he starts seeing you as an crazy ex, it’ll be hard to change it.

The only thing you can do right now is wait out his new relationship. If you are lucky, it’s just a rebound (Read more about him and his new girlfriend) and it will end soon. If you are unfortunate, he might end up marrying the girl and you will never get to talk to him again. I know it hurts to read this, but it’s the truth. I don’t want to sugarcoat it but if a guy lets a girl decide whom he talks to, then he is pretty serious about her.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Speak To You Again?

It’s simple; you stop talking to him. You start the no contact rule and you pull away. If your situation falls under Reason no. 1 (see above), then he is probably going to reach out to you. If it falls under Reason no. 2 then he will probably reach out to you after he finishes his no contact period.

Basically, when you stop pushing, he will start wondering what happened and will try to contact you. He might not even be able to cope with your silence and start acting a little crazy (angry texts, angry phone calls, mean facebook messages).

Any type of reaction from his a good sign. This means that the only reason he was so calm about the breakup is because you were making him feel like he still has you. This means he still hasn’t dealt with the thought of losing you forever. And that thought might just be enough to get your ex boyfriend back.

However, if he doesn’t contact you during the no contact period, then you will have to take the matter in your own hands and contact him. Of course, before you contact him, you should make sure you have gone through the no-contact period and have done everything you are supposed to do during this time (Read the things you should do during the no contact period).

Now when you contact him, it’s not going to be like before. It’s not going to be a message that reeks of neediness. It’s going to be something that will arouse his curiosity. It’s going to be something that will keep him thinking about you for a while.

How To Contact Him

The best way to contact him will be through a text message. There are a few simple yet powerful messages that you can use to contact him. The key here is to create enough curiosity for him to text you back.

Here are a few messages that DON’T WORK.

“Hey Jim, I called you twice yesterday. Why don’t you pick up my phone? Anyways, just text me back as soon as you get a chance.”

OR

“Hey Jim, I need your help. Please text me back.”

Or

“Hey”

Did you see what’s wrong with these messages? The first one just reeks of neediness. The second one is an obvious ploy to get him to talk to you and the third one is simply boring.

To arouse their curiosity, you need to make the message about them and not about you. People are selfish and no topic is more interesting to them than themselves.

Here are a few examples that arouse their curiosity.

“Hey, I have a confession to make”.

OR

“Hey, I know it’s been a while but I just wanted to thank you for what you did. You have no idea how much it helped me.”

OR

“Hey, I just saw something that reminded me of you. I didn’t think about us for a while. To be honest, it made me smile.”

See how all these messages are about him? In the first message, he is thinking what did you do to HIM that you want to confess. In the second message, he is thinking what he did that you are thanking HIM for. And in the last one, he is thinking what reminds you of HIM.

Get the idea? If course, you don’t have to use exactly the same messages. You can be creative and use something that you came up on your own. Just make sure it’s something that arouses curiosity and it’s about him.

After he messages you back

After he replies to your message, the ball is in your court. You can peak his interest by not replying for a while. You can set an alarm for 30 minutes on your phone and not reply him until the 30 minutes is over. This way, you will be constantly on his mind for at least 30 minutes. And the more you are on his mind, the more he will feel attracted to you.

Of course, it’s not necessary to make him wait 30 minutes. You can go ahead and message him right away if you want as long as you don’t message him something needy. His reply is probably going to be something like

“What is it?”

“What did I do?”

“What did you see?”

For the reply, you can either pick up a message that I wrote in the fourth step of the 5-step plan. Or you can be creative and find something on your own.

After you initiate contact with him, you have to make sure you don’t project an image of neediness. Everything you do or say should send out a message that you are a confident and happy person who is living her life to the fullest. I have written more about it in the 5 step plan to win your ex back. Make sure you read it here.

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290 comments ...add one

  • Ava

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me because he thought I cheated but I didn’t. The water is under the bridge now and we’ve slowly started talking. I want him back as a boyfriend but all he sees is someone to be friends with benefits with. He’ll go away to college in July 2019 too. I need him back before that, I really do love him. It’s been 8 months since we broke up. Please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he treats you as friends with benefits right now, it would appear that he has some level of attraction for you, even if it isn't strong enough on his end to want to pursue a relationship. I suggest you try drawing boundaries and not reinforce the idea of 'friends with benefits' and that you're someone who would only allow your boyfriend to have an intimate relationship with you. You should also be honest with your feelings and not play mind games by letting him know that a relationship is what you're looking for.

      Reply
  • Artsychick

    Hi! Need help!
    My ex broke up with me about a month ago with not much explanation or reason why just saying he needed to be alone. I kind of sent a bit of a mean message after he sent the broke up one, not too mean just a little and mostly sounding a bit upset but then I said goodbye in the message...I went straight jnt NC and did 32 days, did it perfectly and I messaged saying "Guess what!? You wont believe what happened!"trying to make him curious. But he didnt respond and has not reached out to me either. I dont know what to do now. :( What do you suggest? He doesnt have social media or a phone so he wont see my stuff online. Only way I can contact him is by letter or email...he was a very old fashioned kind of guy. And was much older then me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reach out again in another week or two, and if he still doesn't respond, you could send an email but it should be your last attempt to reach out before you decide to walk away, because him ignoring you completely is a sign that he is simply no longer interested and if that's the case you should also be fair to yourself.

      Reply
  • Peace

    My guy saw a WhatsApp message from a male friend I use to tell him about. So now he thinks I'm cheating on him with the guy which I have never because the guy is just a friend. Because of the message he has been ignoring my calls and messages. Just want to know wether he is just angry with me or he wants to break up with. It's been two weeks since we talked to each other.i tried contacting him but he didn't answer neither did he reply my messages.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could show him the messages between you and your friend to prove to him that you weren't hiding anything or cheating on him.

      Reply
  • Laura

    My ex and I were together for 3 and a half years. We were classmates all throughout college and even graduated together. We talked about a future together and everyone thought we'd end up together. The last 6 months or so were filled with arguments and lack of intimacy. He felt unmotivated and "stuck". I tried my best to be patient and give him time. In the midst of our last argument, he admitted he no longer saw a future together and broke things off. After seeing how sad I was, he suggested staying together and "figuring it out as we go". I did not think this would be fair to me as there was no guarantee things would be the same after what he said to me. We broke things off and i immediately regretted it and tried winning him back but it was obvious we both needed time apart. We have been in no contact for 3 months except for the two times I ran into him. Both times he was unable to answer my questions about whether or not he thought we had a chance. He only stated he was "happy where things are at". Since the breakup he has found his dream job and has dove into his hobbies. I think about him all the time and I wish we could still be in each other's lives but I'm fearful that his immediate success after the breakup has made him believe he is much better without me. Is there a chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I don't think that he would eventually feel better without you. It's just that after 3 and a half years of being in a relationship, to suddenly have the time and space to do whatever he wants without needing to take other people into consideration probably made him feel liberated. However, do keep in mind that this is different from him feeling suffocated or held back by you. For some people, when they're in a relationship, they would willingly give up pursuing certain things because they knew it wasn't a priority. Usually, if the relationship doesn't pan out, they would end up exploring all these shelved ideas in order to also serve as a distraction and not get too caught up by the sudden gap in their life. Give him some time to settle down because things are probably picking up for him now which is why he said he was happy the way things were. Once the excitement wears off and his lifestyle is a little more balanced, that might be the time he begins thinking about you again and reminiscing because what's the point in accomplishing all his goals if he has no one to share it with at the end of the day.

      Reply
  • Kara

    My ex ended thinhs with me just over a week ago. We was together just over 2 years. Mostly it was good but when we argued it was really bad. It ended up he cut all ties without saying anything. He came round that night as i was completely nasty to him (i was hurt) and he ended up smashing my house up and punched me. There has been no contact at all since from either side. I do have quite a few of his belongings here, clothes jewellery etc but he hasnt attempted to contact me about any of it. Of course i do miss him but more i miss my friend, he was the 1 person i could talk to about anything and there was no need for it to end so nasty. Do you think its worth another go and do you think he will contact me along the way even if its only for his stuff?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Whether it is worth another go is ultimately your choice to make. What I can add in advisement to you is to consider if going through such chaos whenever an argument occurred is healthy in the long run or not. This is something both parties probably have to deal with together and not let emotions constantly cloud your judgment or actions. Remember that mutual respect for each other is one of the most important aspects of a lasting relationship and without knowing where to draw the line would foster an extremely unhealthy relationship, especially when things go bad. He might contact you since the relationship did last for 2 years and it wouldn't be so easy to simply get over it, but you have to be mentally prepared on how to act and proceed if he were to reach out.

      Reply
    • Kara

      He has contacted me, he has apoligised about what happened, im not saying what he did was right but it was completely out of character. He has said he misses me like mad and asked to meet to talk, i didnt reply.
      Im not quite sure of what to do next, i am concentrating on myself and i feel alot better even after a short time apart. Do i continue to keep NC or do i reply?

      Reply
  • Lou

    I've been doing no contact since august 20, breaking it once with some practical stuff a week later, and him contacting me with practical stuff the 31th. We haven't talked since, I decided to leave it till Oct. to be completely sure enough time has passed, also, I'm in a another city and busy at work until then.

    I constructed a message I feel quite confident in. It acknowledge what happened, and are honest. I usually get a minor depression this time of year, and I was pretty scared going into fall, but I've been working on my mental health, him breaking up, kinda forced me to do that, so I guess that's a positive.

    Hi NAME
    I want to apologize for being so needy after our breakup. I was very confused and tried to hang on to you in any way possible. I have accepted that it is over. I am really looking forward to moving back to Copenhagen, I know it is healthy for me not to be so isolated in Odense as I have been the past 3 years. You know how I get this time of year, and I truly dreaded it this time. But this year I have gotten some good tools, and I’m very optimistic about the future. Hope you’re well.

    Reply
  • kristen

    So my ex and I broke up a frw months ago while i was pregnant with our second child. Of course we're still talking. And he wanted to work things out. But now he wants nothing to do with me. He's went out and of course been with 2 other people. But when hes around me he's loving and caring. Its sending mixed signals and honestly i dont know what to do. I still love him and want him back but its hard knowing what hes done. And it hurts. And he barely sees our kids and thays even more painful. I just don't know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You probably have to ask yourself "what changed" when he suddenly stopped caring and started dating other people. Reason out his behavior, and decide for yourself if it's something that can be resolved or if it would be emotionally healthier in the long run to walk away.

      Reply
  • Andrea Marie

    My ex and I broke up a few months ago and we were still talking throughout our breakup thinking that we were going to consider getting back together because we were honestly toxic for each other. So a couple months past by and all of sudden he’s in a relationship with this girl and currently is still with this girl. Mind you when he first got with her I immediately stopped talking to him because I was of course heartbroken. Then a couple months last by and we reconnected and started to talk daily, eat together and we even hung out once or twice. But we would always talk on the phone or face time. This was just leaving me confused because it’s been made clear that we both still have feelings for each other and we still love each other and we just share a bond that is indescribable. We were best friends before anything. It’s just difficult for me to understand what his motives are at this point because it’s like c’mon you already know how I feel so I don’t know why he’s holding back his feelings. I honestly feel like he doesn’t want to do his current girlfriend how he did me and be the bad guy again. :(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Honestly, the new relationship he's in may be the cause of him holding back because he doesn't know what action to take next and is confused despite having feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Kerren

    My ex and I broke up for almost 3 months, I initiated the broke up and finally he left me, I wanted him back immediately but he refused. after 1 month no contact I am back to the dating app I saw he is there already. Few days later I sent him message says how are you, he left DVD in my house and asked if he wanted it back, he replied said he is ok, and it’s easier and cheaper to buy a new DVD and asked me to throw the DVD out. I knew he was surprised & angry with my message. Then I replied said the DVD is his collection and has value, and I will bring it to him. An then he didn’t reply. About 3 weeks later I sent another message says saw bushwalking sites and reminded me our good time , asked him if he had done any outdoor activities, and then no reply. Then I don’t know what to do and what to say...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he still does not reply, perhaps it would be a better idea to consider moving on since he may no longer be interested in the relationship, or may have not fully let go of the past yet which results in him ignoring you.

      Reply
  • Louise

    I met a guy whilst travelling in Australia, and we dated for four months and travelled together the whole time. He said he loved me many times, that I made him feel things he never felt before and couldn't stand the thought of me being with anyone else. We are both from the same area in the UK and planned to carry things on when getting home. However, as soon as he arrived home, he told me he changed his mind and didn't want to commit to a relationship because of work and because his life is too busy. In the same phone call he also told me that he didn't want me to get with anyone else. I love him so much, I started no contact as soon as he broke up with me and we haven't spoken since (its been 10 days). I accepted his decision and told him that I couldn't be friends right now as it was too hurtful, and that he had no right to expect me to wait around and not get with anyone else. He got very angry at this and called me bitter and childish. I don't understand how his feelings changed so quickly. We still stayed friends on social media. I upload photos of me having a great time with friends, never post anything negative (although deep down i'm really suffering). I'm focusing on me, have taken up a new hobby and started hitting the gym more often. I just love him and miss him so much, every morning I hope today is the day he will message to say he made a mistake and wants me back. Is there any chance he will come back soon? or eventually? I don't know what to do to make this happen. Any advice would be great.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's a chance that what he felt for you may have been holiday romance, which fades away quickly when you return to your own life and routines. Perhaps try initiating normal conversation with him after a while, and see if you can at least start by being friends first before working your way back to something more.

      Reply
  • Ash

    Me and my ex spent three years together. He decided to break up because of lack of mutual communication and passion from my part. We have been apart a month so far, I tried no contact but as we share university and other activities together, we meet regularly and it is difficult, the point is that when I started it he thought I was moving on and felt really depressed saying he wanted to return, he "threw a bone at me" because when I suggested being available for him he said that I was better off without him. After that he flirted with me q lot and asks me about different things I post, if Im seeing someone new or whatever, I keep telling him I have other people who want to date me but I choose him, thats because I know he gets depressed and I fear he may move on from me if he knows I date someone. Lately we had the opportunity to be alone and he wanted to have sex with me, I rejected him and he was upset because sex was an aspect in which we didn't work well. I accepted having sex with him even if at first I said no because he said he wanted to try that area to see if we could get back together, we did it and said it was not natural as it was when we first had the opportunity. He said that I planed the sex encounter and I should learn to take the opportunities. I am kind of frustrated now, he is kind of a puzzle to me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps avoid having sex with him for the time being, even if he wants to and state that it's something reserved for your relationships so that he would regain any lost respect he had for you. If no contact is impossible due to the circumstances, then try minimal contact for the time being.

      Reply
  • Bethany

    I had a 3 month relationship with my ex boyfriend. He ended the relationship over family issues and he said he does not feel a connection and he just didn't want to get into a relationship because of his depression and anxiety. In the beginning of the relationship, we were smitten with each other and we had such passion. I talked to him 2 weeks after the break up and he never responded to my last text. A few days ago, he was back on the same dating app on which we met. After the relationship ended, we agreed to be friends. I have not talked to my ex in over a month and wish to contact him again to try to be friends and then eventually start a relationship again. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could follow this article on what to do after the no contact period. However, be mentally prepared that he may have moved on since the breakup and may not be interested in pursuing a relationship with you any further given the length of the relationship and how he feels.

      Reply
  • Shii

    Hello ,my ex boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago.The reason he gave was ,I liked a comment on his photo in Facebook, I fooled him on April fool's day .To me those were just excuses because if he really was into it,he could have given a better reason. Is there anything I can do to get him back.I really love him

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Normally if a person gives such a reason for ending the relationship, there is usually other underlying factors that probably troubled him as well, but isn't telling you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find out if there are issues you can try to work on by communicating with each other rather than simply breaking up.

      Reply
  • Charlotte

    My Ex and I were together for 3 years. He broke up with me 2 months ago. Through the 3 years we had fought, broke up and gotten back together a lot of times due to fighting. He is going to move to the East Coast for masters this fall, and decided to break up with me. He said he can't handle all those stress and fighting with me. He says that he doesn't see a future with me. Throughout the 2 month, we both went traveling by ourselves. We don't really have contact other than to settle our business asset, but he wouldn't come out to face me himself and has a friend doing it for him. In fact he doesn't really even reply...How can I still get a man like this back and is it even still possible?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be possible but probably only in the long run. He's going to need time to move on and let go of the negative image he has of you before you can expect a reply from him, and if you decide to pursue him again, you're most likely going to have to go after him as if it was the first time, and not place old expectations or habits on him.

      Reply
  • Amy

    I brokeup with ex last may, coz I think he was reluctant to love me. I was from bangkok to Malaysia to see him, before I arrived, he told me that he would use one day to accompany me, but it turn out to be beside me but not around. The day when I left, when I found a gecko in my suitcase, i was suddenly frighten with voices, when I found out i calmed down and told him. I hoped he could drive it away but he just sat there. I was unhappy with emotion and when he saw me he was unhappy. When I left the hotel with uber, he didn't ask me to stay with him, he has a car.
    We have connection after I went back to bkk but not happy. 20 days later we stop contacting.
    But 1 month after this, i contacted him again, but felt he is cold. It seems that I use no contact, but I have no idea what to do that time and i show my needy.
    For the following months until end of March this year, we keep in touch, i flight to Malaysia 4 times to see him. I took him as bf and always ask for recover, i loved him so much and did some hepls important for him, he was grateful. But he kept limited communication with me, what's more he might had new relationship, he had reaction with a girl 5 years younger than him in both their WeChat moments, began from the second day of our brokeup, became frequently from October. I doubt that they might have gossips but he was angry every time I mentioned and I needed apologize and fly to Malaysia for his forgiveness.
    He ignore my message more and more and finally I was angry in beginning of March. By end of March he told me do not waste time on him and never replied my messages again. He hasn't blocklisted me, I keeps texting him every day, no reply. On 20th May, which is some kind of Chinese Valentine's Day, I found out that the girl above flight to him and they spent 2 days together, I have no idea they have sex or not. Yesterday the girl posted their conversation with nicknames in her moments. Heart broken.
    According to my understanding of him, he do not like this kind of publish, also no reply from him for the moments the girl published to reveal their 'Relationship '. The girl's characteristic, according to my understanding and the understanding from another one who knows him well, doesn't fit for him. But they seems sweet and have progress.
    I've reading EBP since last week and realised my mistakes while trying to ask him back. I love him so much, no matter real love or just not recover, I wanna him back desperately but not in a desperate way.
    I am trying every day to make me a better person, begin to learn control emotion which he was not satisfied. He loved me so much once and I really hope that we can re-get the status of happiness.
    After the test, I have 47 scores. I am not changing and hope that when he broke up, he will see a new me and will be attracted by me.
    This is all my story and hopes, and I know their might be possibility that they will get married, but I just change and wait and hope.
    Any more suggestions for me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be good at this point to probably spend time focusing on making positive changes to your life. It can be anything from your appearance, getting into shape, changing your wardrobe, or even working on changing your emotions and the way you handle things. Remember that this change isn't for your ex, but mainly for yourself and to become a better version of yourself so that if you have the opportunity in the future to come in contact again with him, you'll be able to re-spark his interest and change whatever negative impression he once had of you.

      Reply
  • DL

    Hi Kevin, i and my ex was in 4 years long distance relationship and we were together about 3 years. I am cambodian and he is swiss. After i had accidental pregnant and had miscarriage i felt so emotional about losing baby. Finally 1 week latter i decided to discuss with him about commitment and future plan together or having next baby....etc. i text him and he said he needs time to answer. 3 months latter after he was back from egypt that night in bedroom he turned off the light and hug me and started to asked me if we can be friends but he begged me not to block him, his email or telephone no...etc I was in shock and hurt so much as i thought he may came back for finding solution. He told me the reasons of this break up. I really dont believe the reasons he brought up. During relationship of course sometimes miss understanding, we fought but not alot. I supported him in every his projectes.....i have asked him to meet in few days to talk again. The day we met he kept same words. I could not accept it and beg him to reconsider then he told me he can only let me know in one month. Since then until now is 20 days i did no contact except contact about works and business that we still have together. My friend called him and she told me my ex still care about me and dont want to see i am hurt. We will meet again in about 10 days after he is back from egypt. I would like to know what can i do if this time he doesnt change his mind? The break up was not bad, we were calm...i want to get him back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll probably have to figure out why he decided to end things in the first place before you plan ahead on your next course of action. Before you meet up with him, you'll have to first consider if that particular reason is one that can be resolved or not.

      Reply
  • Lily Watson

    Me and my ex boyfriend broke up about 2 months ago. His family pressured him into it and he said that he ‘wasn’t ruling out anything in the future’ since then we have been in contact for the first 5 weeks and met up and it was like nothing changed. He said I need to do no contact but I have broken it numerous times - all of which he has ignored me. I just want him back, I know it would be hard but I’m changing the things his parents didn’t like about me (I don’t drive and I’m at university - soon to be graduated) is it too late for no contact now?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may not be, but it also would depend on whether his parents would begin to like you after that or not. If his parents simply dislike you over the fact that you don't drive and are in university, they may prove to be difficult people to please having judged you for such superficial reasons.

      Reply
  • Natalie

    I had been seeing this man for a year and a half. Things were great. We confided in each other and supported all his endeavors. I’ve always known he wanted to move to a warmer climate. We even fought to why he would start a relationship w/ me if he knew he was leaving. He swore he didn’t think he’d fall for me. I supported him through all his ups and downs. He went from messaging me first thing in the morning to not hearing from him for hours. Through that time he would only message me “I love you” He suffers from PTSD and has TBI. He began to grow distant and when I I finally confronted him he wrote that he was sorry. He loved me but doesn’t want to think about me, us, anything except leaving. I confronted him to let him know his change of heart stung and that I’d always love him. We hugged and shared a quick kiss. I haven’t heard from him since. I started NC. I’m now doing it more for myself then to try and get him back...even though I’d still want to be in his life. I’m concerend no contact has him thinking I’m playing games. I’ve written countless letters. Which I’ve never sent. I can’t bring myself to communicate for fear he’ll blow me off coldly and I’d think ill of him. It doesn’t help I workout where he works. I’ve changed my days so we wouldn’t have to see each other except Friday mornings. I haven’t text, messaged or seen him in about 3 weeks. Now I’m making assumptions and driving myself crazy. He said it’s no one else but I wonder. I want to move on but I’m sick over his drastic change of heart. How can he go from him saying he’s never had anyone feel the way he does in his 40 years to throwing me away. This man has cried on my shoulder and he’s very much not a crier. Should I set him free or give him space. I’m hurt and confused

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give him space and continue with NC for now. Try not to let your thoughts get the better of you with the wild assumptions as his sudden change of heart could be an episode he's dealing with right now and may need some time. As you've said, make these changes and focus on yourself in the meantime and after some time has passed, you could try contacting him again with these improvements to see if he changes his mind or not before deciding whether to move on.

      Reply
  • Lily

    my boyfriend of almost 2 years recently left me for someone else that he had an interest in for years but never had a chance until now. I just want some hope that one day he'll come back to me and love me like he did. before he told me about everything he ignored me for 3 days and I felt awful thinking about everything he could be doing and how he could just not talk to me. he cheated on me before and apologized because he hated that he had to lose me and I hated it too. We took a break and got back together. I wanted to be with him and I still do despite what hes done. I dont think I'm ever going to not love him. Anyway, I messaged him today about how I'll always care and if he still wants to be friends its ok. He told me it was ok if I was comfortable with it but he wont reply as much. If I stop contact for a few weeks and ask how hes doing do you think it would do anything? I think hes serious about this one because he said he was tired of messing up relationships, I dont want him to forget me if I do NC. I would give anything to feel loved by him again and I just want some advice and an opinion. Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Him forgetting you and moving on would depend entirely on how serious he feels towards this other person. Typically, when relationships that have lasted awhile come to an end such as your case, the next relationship that the other person jumps into would often be a rebound relationship. Winning him back or him forgetting you during NC would be a factor that is dependent on that, and how meaningful his relationship with you was.

      Reply
  • Chana

    Hey, my ex and I broke up after loads of fighting and things just escalating quickly, because of my inability to respect his decision (begging, pleading, showing up at his house unannounced). In my defence, he cheated on me with his friend and now is in a relationship with this same girl. We haven't spoken in 19 days. Safe to say this is the longest period of time that we haven't spoken since meeting. We broke up in November and we're in May. I guess in 6 months it will be a year and we'll be history. Some days I love him and want him back because he truly was my best friend. Some days I think, that bastard, I won't even bother looking in his direction again. Ultimately, I'm shifting between emotions but what I want most of all is for him to come running back, no mater my motivations. This is what I want. How does this happen? Whats the likelihood?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, the likelihood of him 'running back' is relatively slim especially if he's dating someone new and it's already been 6 months that he's been with her (I assume). It would be entirely dependent on how meaningful your relationship was with him, as well as the length of the relationship and what you meant to him, that might determine your chances if him and the other person does not work out.

      Reply
  • Miss Winters

    Hello, I met a man in real life, then talked online for several months because of living in different countries (tried to meet, but it was difficult for both since my schedule is currently crazy and I'm facing the most difficult time at work). He was very attracted to me from the start and made it clear. He was in constant communication, feeling good with me, calling, initiating, planning, sharing from his life and even from his traumatic childhood (but not to get my pity). We were growing closer and I loved his presence, rewarding him with my best behavior. Although I have abandonment trauma, I never acted needy or controlling. Sadly, I found out early on that he has a family (children, too) - he was hiding it. I wanted only to discuss it face to face, so he never knew that I knew. Recently, he posted something awful online. The one thing that gets me extremely emotional, angry and hurt. Can't tell what it is, it completely appalls me (one of those posts that normally get blocked on all social media). I confronted him and he tried to explain - but to me there was no explanation. He tried to call, asked me to call him, but I didn't want to hear. My wound was deeply activated. I told him he did what I hate the most and I hate people like him. In addition, I also accused him of lying all the time by hiding his real status. Thus, everything crumbled down on him at once. We tried to discuss a little more via messages, until we were so angry that I unfriended him, he blocked me, unfollowed me.. and so on... eventually he blocked me on all channels. I know the main reason. I was so hurt that I had to hurt him back. So I said the worst thing I could (really hurtful and always a no-no, but I said it... can't put it here, really). Now I wish I had at least listened to his explanations. After all, our cultures are very different. I wish he understood I was hurt and reacting because of the pain. We had so many good things going on and it was all over in just a few hours. I'm sure he's hurt and angry but I'm still hoping he will come back to his senses and think about what he is leaving behind. We never had any manifested issue, all was peaceful, nice and smooth between us and I always respected him, until that point. It hurts me more that he could run away like this, he seemed patient and mature... but then again, I did my best to hurt him. What will become of this?...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As things ended on a very ugly note, and the fact that he still has a family to return to, there's a possibility that he would simply move on from this relationship and back to his old life after. It might be a little tough to spark things back as the relationship was mostly long distance, so you might strongly want to consider moving on from this. However if you do want him back, perhaps go into No Contact for now and try initiating again down the road after some time has passed.

      Reply
    • Miss Winters

      Ryan, thank you for taking the time to read my long message and reply! No sign of him and yes, I'm doing NC, because he blocked me everywhere and I'm not going to use any other accounts to get in touch and pester him. One change occurred, though. During the fight, I told him I know his "other" Fb profile - the one with his family. Now he deleted that one, I checked. So he only appears online as the single, childless guy he pretends to be. I've always had very strong suspicions that things are not ok for him there.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Regardless of how things are going, it would be better to focus on NC instead of how he is doing as this may interfere with your emotions and cause you to do something rash.

      Reply
  • miming

    my bf broke up with me three weeks ago after almost 6 years together he told me he got fed up with the fights and wasn't happy anymore, i did try to initiate no contact, and he won’t talk to me either, however a friend (i know, I shouldn’t have listened) that I message him to let him know i am still around in my almost two weeks of no contact. he did reply telling me i look good with my new haircut and told me to take care of myself. i replied the next day instead telling him i am taking care of myself and wished him well, he said thank you and I didn’t get back to him again, I don’t know what to do next, did i ruin out chance to get back? please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No, I don't think you ruined your chances, but continue with NC for now and at the end you could always drop him a text following our guidelines in our other articles.

      Reply
  • Shorty

    Hello, my ex bf broke up with me in January 2018, we had been together for 1.5 years. He broke up with me and went straight to someone else. He mainly broke up with me because my ex husband didn’t want to see me happy with someone else and he was always bothering him and sending threats. The last time I saw my ex bf he told me it was over because it was to much trouble to be with me and as I was leaving I started crying and he grabbed me and we kissed. It was very passionate, he played with my hair a little like he had always done before and kissed me on the forehead. I left and tried to text him the next day and he only said we are over, he didn’t want to know more of me and that we would never be again. He blocked me on Facebook and move right away in with someone else. Since then he has not contacted me at all. However, in April he changed his Facebook cover picture to a very dark photo of him and his new gf, but he also changed his profile photo to a picture He had taken when we were at the beach together. He made it his temporary photo and then changed it a couple minutes after but didn’t delete it off his wall. The cover photo of him and his new gf was very strange as you would have thought it was the night sky unless you clicked on it. But than a couple of weeks later he completely deactivated his fb account and hasn’t opened it up since. The fact that he would post the pic of a night we were together and he knows meant a lot to me, would that mean he still loves me and just didn’t want either of us to get hurt by my crazy ex husband or what? He knows that my mom can see his Facebook as he didn’t block her. Is there hope or should I just move on since he is with someone else ? I know 100% he loved me and we had something great during our 1.5 years together. Thanks, sorry so long lol.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could have been a moment at that point where he missed you, perhaps because they had an argument and ended up posting that picture. I would suggest that you not take it to heart because it could have very well been a temporary feeling he had. Since it has been some time since the break up, you might want to consider trying to move on, especially since he is still together with someone else.

      Reply
  • Melissa

    I was in a "friends with benefits" type relationship with a guy 3 hours away for over 7 years. We saw each other almost every weekend, and sometimes weekdays during the summer.
    We were friends for over a year first. Eventually, he found a gf and I got married but we remained long distance friends; until we got face to face and the physical attraction was undeniable and we picked up where we left off. We continued. Eventually, his girlfriend found out and started such a mess between her and I. She told lies and he believed them, she gave him ultimatums etc. So the trust was broken and not only did the "friends with benefits" stop but most of all our friendship is shattered due to lost trust. Now, the girlfriend he had has decided she's gay and married. He's been dating etc. I'm still married but I miss our friendship more than the other part... is there a chance do you think? It's been over a year since we've truly texted as friends or otherwise. I've texted aaking about his day etc.. like we used to and he replies but it's short. He's still mad because of the way I went back at the ex-girlfriend for her lies. Is there hope for at least our friendship?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's still angry with you up to this point, perhaps giving it even more time might be a good idea. There's no guarantee that he would eventually forgive you, but it's something that you can only hope for in time. You could drop him a text again down the road and see how he responds to it. If it's positive, you can slowly build a friendship back up again.

      Reply
  • Alethea

    My boyfriend of 2 years left last year in February 2017 for his sailing job and after loads of fights...we broke up in July 2017...I went No Contact in August where he made an attempt to reach out...but I did not pick up his calls....when I tried to contact after No Contact, he ignored all my calls and texts for 8 months...He came back home in March 2018...I went and met him and he was adamant that he did not want a relationship at all...I convinced him to atleast hang out sometimes and we did that...even ended up sleeping with him...Then he started pulling away and is now telling me that I should wait for him to contact me...it’s been 3 weeks and my calls/texts once a week are being ignored again...Do you think I should give up???

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Although your chances are still there, they might be fairly slim. It would honestly be better for yourself to move on since it has been such a long time, and he does not seem very interested in getting back together with you despite your attempts to reach out.

      Reply
  • Tallspicy

    I met someone a year ago online when I was in Paris and we did not meet. We kept in touch and in February things escalated and he arranged to come visit me in end March (Paris/nyc). We met and it was great, but he said “my life is really complicated and this is complicated - I cannot do this”. However, he was also very complimentary and very thankful (said I made it special, outstanding visit, surprised at how well we got along). He left, and I thought he might rethink it. I knew to leave him alone.

    Two days later, I accidently liked a Instagram photo. Eak! Then a few hours later he texted me thanking me again. I responded warmly and it has been two weeks and I have heard nothing.

    He posted another Instagram and I have not liked it and I have not reached out.

    Did he just not like me? Or is overseas just unreasonable. We had spoken every day for two months, so while I know we are not moving forward, it feels like he felt so pressured that he never wants to speak to me again.... not even friends....

    Btw, I go back to Paris in Aug and he knows that..

    A few clarifications: he was very affectionate the whole visit. His life is actually complicated (newly divorced – she cheated, properties in several countries to sell due to deteriorating with the ex, and job stuff). I know he was physically attracted to me, but I feel like his text was a pity text after liking his Instagram (photo from the visit). Do men do pity texts? My response was warm, but not engaging. And he has liked one of my instagrams since the texts several weeks ago. I do not understand how you go from every day contact to nothing….

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well there could be a variety of reasons such as the stress he's going through or fear of the LDR as you've mentioned, or even that he's simply not ready for a serious relationship so soon after the divorce. You could continue to give him some space before trying to talk to him again and keep things light. However, considering that there was no relationship during this period, there's a chance that he may have moved on.

      Reply
  • tonyca

    My ex broke up with me just because i was walking with this boy from my class. he saw me but i didnt see him. So he called me and asked me who is that and i told him that he was my friend. So i got a dare saying that i was supposed to stop talking to my boyfriend for 30 days. I did but it actually went longer we ignored each other for 2 and a half i months i still dont knw why he stopped talking to me because he sees me a lot of times and he looks at me from head to toe like i was doing nth it just sick me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be pride or something he's angry with you about. Perhaps you could ask him to find out.

      Reply
  • Nancy

    We initially started fighting beginning of November because i took a text typo and made it a big deal. Things became good then a bigger fight. And things got ugly! Neither of us gave in so things got worse. We did not celebrate our year and half anniversary due to the anger. I was so upset.

    Finally when i was ready to put this past me. Something he was asking for the entire time but i couldn’t forget what was said. All he replied with was he’s glad. He was preoccupied with his friends. Christmas he only sent me one message. In between Christmas and New Years i sent him so many happy loving messages. Called him to and from work like i used to always. No reply. He replied once saying he’s busy with work.

    Right before New Years he tells me he doesn’t have the spark for me anymore. After the fighting and everything. I was devastated. I begged and pleaded but to no avail. I even wrote a heartfelt card and sent a gift because i wanted to show we could still celebrate the holidays and our anniversary still even though it passed. He said he appreciated the card but wished i didn’t send anything because we aren’t together. He told me maybe in the future but now he’d like to be friends.

    I began my first no contact period beginning on January when he failed to inform me of our dinner plans. I tried to see him since December was a hard month he never got back to me. He blew up my phone via text and call the first week. He saw i was reading and not replying since it was through what’s app. He expanded on how much he loved my card. I ended up breaking it and calling him back the end of the week. Still going on about how he wanted to be friends. I said i can’t be your friend but i still tried. Again, it was me reaching out to him and hardly anything from him.

    Began my second no contact 30 day period. He texted me the end of the first week. I didn’t reply or open it immediately. He saw i opened it and kept checking what’s app until he finally deleted the app. I posted a selfie of me with make up on and then my drinks on Snapchat story. He ended up blocking me and his friend deleted me. I was also posting inspirational and relationship quotes on Snapchat so maybe he was tired of that.

    He didn’t contact me again. I texted him after 30 days no reply. Not sure If I’m blocked. I sent him a bday card mid February. He Facebook messaged me saying he appreciated the card and we very briefly chatted. I even left a birthday voicemail. Not sure if it was received it rang normally and then said the number was unavailable beep.

    Then week later i did a good reminder text. I said “do you remember which restaurant we went to before the laker game ? I am hoping to take a friend there.” He wasn’t happy and said he didn’t need to know i was taking “a friend”.

    Then two weeks later I’m doing another good reminder text all i say is “hi! Guess where i just dropped my brother off at!?” Boom! Blocked! No reply.

    He calls me right away and says Look just leave me alone. Leave me alone. Haven’t i told you before?! All i could mutter was ok and yes to the question.

    I don’t know if my number is blocked but I’m blocked on Snapchat and Facebook for sure. I recently emailed him a neutral apologetic message. Again no response.

    I don’t know where his anger is coming from or why he is ignoring me. I think the friend comment upset him. Do i have a chance? What do i do if i have virtually blocked everywhere?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that he is trying to convince himself that he's over you, but each time he sees you or hears from you, it affects him greatly or gets jealous, and it frustrates him, eventually turning into anger. That could be the reason he blocked you and doesn't want to reply you, but at the same time is unable to fully let go, so whenever he feels you pulling away, he starts to contact you again. I suggest giving it some time for him to cool off, and avoid talking to him for now. You could try again later on, but perhaps this time tone down on topics that could get him feeling jealous or frustrated again.

      Reply
    • Nancy

      How much time? I did one successful 30 day no contact. That resulted in me being blocked on what’s app and Snapchat. He blocked me on what’s app since he saw i read it and never replied. I don’t understand why when he ignores me it was ok, but I’m doing my program and i get blocked. After my friend comment, i reached out with the memory comment we’ll started to then he called saying leave me alone. I left him alone for a month again. I sent him a neutral acceptance apology letter. He opened it and never replied. I don’t know what to do. When i broke my first no contact rule because he blew up my phone, he told me he felt like he just lost a texting buddy. The sad part is we were together for year and a half! December was just a hard month to get together because we both had so much going on. What do i do?

      Reply
  • Natalie Lopez

    So my ex broke up with me 5 days ago. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, we had occasional fights but the last one I guess was enough for him to say he was tired of arguing. He said he didn’t have time to fight and was unhappy. He told me to pick up my stuff the next day. When I went to pick up my stuff , he walked me to my car and began to cry. He told me he loved me and I was the most beautiful girl but that he just couldn’t deal with the stress and drama. He then told me to just give him the day to think and cool off. As I walked to my car I had rush of emotions and had to go back inside to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to pass out. He then told me that I had to form a show and that this was exactly why he wanted to be single.. i was honestly feeling so bad I thought I was going to pass out in my car. I didn’t do it to form any show but he didn’t think so.
    Anyways that same day I proceeded to apologize and to text him to say that he should think about the whole situation before making a decision. He said he wanted to break up no doubt and that the more I texted the less he was going to want to talk to me. Two days later he took off our pictures on social media and I texted him saying I guess he had made a final decision. And he didn’t reply. I have since then started the No contact but I am unsure if that is even going to work.. do you think I have hope?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would seem like he definitely still has feelings for you, but is feeling suffocated right now over all the past arguments which has taken a toll on his stamina. I would think that by giving him some space to cool off and let go of the negativity he feels, he may begin to think of you again. Even if it doesn't, at the very least it would give him space to cool off and contacting him after NC may allow for a more positive response from him.

      Reply
  • Bella

    I miss my ex so bad but I’ve been getting better since no contact because I was hurt he left me for someone else. He claims he did not leave me for anyone but our phone records showed right after Christmas this number showed up and right after New Years he before broke up with me and started messing with this girl spending time with her. We were together 6 years, I took his daughter in as my own and his family knew we were getting married this year like me and him discussed. His change of heart seem so shocking to me even tho I know we have had our issues about communication and other things, never involved someone else so I feel like he thinks she’s better than me and he’s found something better. I just KNEW we were going to get it together and I was going to marry my best friend but now she’s in the arms of another woman. I honestly asked him to have sex with me and he agreed after saying he didn’t want to hurt me he then said it will only be once. This was February 20th and we were suppose to meet that Friday. I started NC that day after realizing I couldn’t have sex with him because I was so hurt that he agreed but said only once like he so serious about this new person. I didn’t want to bring anymore pain on myself I’ve been in NC for 15 days. I’m so afraid he will become serious with this girl I want him back in my life. But being in NC has definitely helped me focus on me and I have been talking to other people but I think of him so much. And he told me I’m the only ex he thinks about but he knows we can’t be together. Is all hope lost because he feels this way? I took care of him for 5 years of our relationship he was a good man who showed his loved for me in front of anyone. And he finally got a stabled job and finally a car in 2017 & I feel like he begin wanting to be a free man since he had these things. We always talked about coming from the bottom up with each other. He was kicked out and he slept in my car and most of the time I slept with him because we didn’t have our apartment anymore. Point it I held him down a lot a supported him. I just feel used but I felt so loved by him. I just don’t know what to say when NC comes to and end. I hope he comes around.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you had plans to get married with him, there's a chance that him going to another woman may be a sign that he started questioning the relationship and got cold feet, wondering if grass was greener on the other side. This could cause him to walk away from the relationship so suddenly and explore something with someone else in an attempt to figure things out. I hope he comes around soon too, as most of the time, these relationships that people jump into often don't work out.

      Reply
  • Leah

    Hi. So my (now ex) boyfriend and I were dating for about a year, and it was an absolutely amazing relationship. We were very happy and loved each other very much and even planning on moving in together soon. A few weeks ago, him, his friends and I planned a trip to an event where we got a hotel. His friends (who have become my friends as well of course) and I were going together the first day while he was to meet with us the next morning because he had work. We all got drunk, I blacked out for a lot of the night unfortunately, and me and my boyfriend got in a fight over the phone and I eventually went to bed in the pull out couch crying and very drunk, trying to sleep it off. We discussed earlier that I had the pull out couch while the three of them would sleep in the bedroom of the hotel room among the two beds. One of his friends decided to crawl into the bed with me as I was in that state and began to touch me and took advantage of me. I don’t remember too much of the details but I know we had sex. I was so disgusted with myself and so upset and scared of losing my boyfriend I begged the friend to not tell him and he agreed. So two weeks after that (a week ago from right now), we were all in town together again, and the friend got very drunk and told another friend, who gave us the ultimatum of telling my boyfriend before he did himself. I ended up telling him, but didn’t get a chance to explain any of the details of the whole story before he got so upset and heartbroken and stormed off. He blocked me on everything. One of our mutual friends passed on my message where I try to explain I was taken advantage of and i was so sorry for putting myself in the situation and all that and he just said he didn’t care to hear from me or him and what’s no part of us. He’s so hurt. It’s been a week now and he still has me blocked on everything but I’ve sent him a few emails he told a mutual friend he saw but still doesn’t want to talk to me. One of my friends also saw him on tinder. What do i do? Would the 30 day no contact rule (which in my case would be to stop emailing him I guess, since he has been reading them) apply to me still? Or should I do all I can to apologize to him and try to talk to him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space to process and cool off. He may begin to see reason after some time has passed and he starts to think more rationally. You could apologize once more, before starting no contact. In the meantime, since his friends already know of the situation, you could ask them to help you out, since it wasn't entirely your fault.

      Reply
    • Leah

      Thank you so much! I talked to his friend that it happened with and he said he will try to contact my bf and tell him the truth of taking advantage of me (he’s blocked from him on everything too), once he does and if he’s still upset and doesn’t want to talk to me do i still do the 30 day NC? thanks again!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he's not talking to you, for the time being just apply no contact first. If he's still upset and doesn't want to talk to you, give him more time but I'm sure he'll eventually come around.

      Reply
  • Laura

    My ex of 1,5 years broke up with me 1 week and a half ago for St.Valentines. That day everything was fine and we were talking about what to cook for dinner, 5 hours later he came to pick me up from work, he was crying, i thought something bad happened but he said that he was very sorry but had to break up with me. I could not understand anything, i was in shock, everything was fine some hours ago, so I cried, he cried...he said he had been thinking for a while and he can't make me happy and give me what i need. After both crying for a while he started to ask me what i thought and how i was feeling but i was just in shock and could not say anything else than "i can't believe it". He also mentioned that we come from different worlds and it wouldn't work (hes family is more wealthy but we have been together for more than a year and that has never been an issue). I tried to understand but nothing made sense, I was sad so I begged him to please reconsider, then I was angry and I just decided to leave with a "thank you for the best valentines ever, f*** you"
    And that was it. We didn't talk anymore until 3 days later when I wrote him to meet up in a few days, he said it is still to soon for him and it would be to emotional, he said he doesn't want to lose contact with me but for now is too soon and we should meet next week (2 weeks after the break up),I told him that I have been thinking and I would like to have some explanations because I am still very confused. So he said that he also wants to talk about it but that is important that i understand that talking its not going to change the situation, because it was a very hard decision for him to make but he won't change it. I said that i will not try to change his decisions that the only thing i want to do is talk and get some explanations. So we will meet next Thursday.
    After all that, I have been thinking and reading a lot, even though I still dont understand all his reasons. His last relationship was with a friend and they were together for 8 months or so, he left her because he was not in love, he said. I have been the his longest and most serious relation, he has said that many times, he introduced me to the family and we traveled together. We never talked about children or marriage, we are still 29, but we had future plans for traveling and events together.
    His parents had rough divorce when he was younger and since the beginning he had told me he has some issues with relationships. And now is where I see my mistakes, I did not pay attention to that and I went on with the relationship at my pace, without thinking i might have been pressuring him. He has lots of friends and is very close to his family, he likes to travel, and I like that about him, but since I don't have that for myself I have become needy and made him my only focus. We always had the same fight, we never fought for anything else than his lack of attention to me, I was always upset and not happy when he was not with me and not paying attention. I know now that this might have been to overwhelming and frustrating and even more for a person who needs more time to develop his feelings. I didn't bring balance into the relationship and now thats why he says he cant make me happy and give me what i need, because what i needed is not something i should need, i need to have other things in my live, not just a boyfriend. I ditched my friends when they wanted me to go out, I didn't have fun if i wasn't with him
    And now that I thought about all that I wanted to talk to him next Thursday and explain to him what i think about what went wrong.
    But last night I couldn't help myself and I wrote it all down in an email. I wasn't sure if it was just for me to have written somewhere so I could memorize it or to send it to him..in the end i was weak, and i sent it. I sent it with no expectations of a reply, because it was just an explanation of my point of view into what went wrong and how i need to improve myself and after I do that, with some time and patience we could together even happier than before.
    Now of course he hasn't replied, and I am not planning on writing him or contacting him until we see each other next week.
    However, I am still in so much pain and confusion, I can not understand how all of a sudden he decided he didn't want me in his life anymore but cried so much when doing it. I think about if he misses me, what is he doing, is he still sad, is he having fun?...I would like to have some advice into what should i do now when i see him next week, what can i expect from him since he already said he wont change his mind...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may feel that his view won't change right now, and you will have to respect that. However, it isn't something set in stone and he may soften up after giving him some time. For the time being until you meet him, work on picking yourself up, so that when you meet him, you're in an emotionally sound state and don't end up doing something to further push him away. If you're willing to make a compromise and not expect so much from him to make things work, perhaps let him know but don't pressure him to make any decision by begging or crying as it usually doesn't work.

      Reply
    • Laura

      Thank you for your reply.
      I'll pick myself up and I'm not gonna contact him before and after Thursday, no matter what we talk about.
      Today he has replied to my email.
      He said that breaking up with me has been one of the hardest things he has even done, that he had enjoyed the time with me so much and doesn't regret anything. But that the simple and hurtful explanation for breaking up is that his feelings for me were not strong enough. He says I'm right that he has problems expressing emotions and committing to another person. That he had really hoped that this time it would be different and that he could fully commit to me, unfortunately he was wrong. He says that he hopes that i realize that this is his problem and has nothing to do with me.
      And when ending he said "You are such a loving, caring and wonderful person and I will always think of the time we spent together. And, after some distance, I would really like to keep you in my life. "
      Is there any chance that I could make him some however change his feelings for me or make them grow stronger? I know I have to focus myself now and do NC. What if he never sees the need to have me in his life again?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Until he is able to work on his own issues, anything you rekindle with him for time being may end up with the same result unless you're willing to carry the relationship and be extremely patient with him, but this also runs the risk that he gets too comfortable and doesn't feel a need to change or work on himself since you're always going to be there. This is something you'll have to figure out if you're willing to do before making a decision, but it's clear that his feelings for you are real, just that it probably wasn't strong enough to sustain the relationship.

      Reply
    • Laura

      Thank you.
      We met last week. It was a very sweet goodbye we talked calmly, he explained how this is breaking his heart and how much he is going to miss me. However he still think that this is the best decision for both and now we need some time to clear our thoughts but after that he still wants me in his life. He said that at some point the relationship got too comfortable and we were like in a bubble not in the real world. I'm not so sure what can mean...
      How can I make his feelings strong enough? Is it too late now?

      Reply
  • Maya

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex(we were never official) met on a dating app and dated for 5 months. We went on a vacation together on the 4th month and I told him thereafter that I've fallen for him. He responded that he is not as sure as me yet and need to see if we are compatible (claimed there's physical compatibility). He advised me not to go in too deep too fast and that heart can always heal. Due to my insecurities and fear of losing him, I tried too hard to show him that we are compatible. During our last date, I didn't quite reciprocate his kiss and his need to touch me while watching a movie. He called it quits and said let's be friends and he can't date a girl who doesn't allow him to touch and said there is more reasons to why he says it can't work (he didn't share the reasons with me). Throughout the 5 months of dating, it was mostly me who initiated msges and he responds to it enthusiastically. Our dates always ends with him bringing me to dark corners for hanky panky. During the vacation, I oso realised that he was still active on the dating app. When I confronted, he said he is on the app but not using it (I saw conversation notification on his phone)

    I asked for another opportunity thrice and he rejected. Since he offered friendship, I continued texting him randomly when I found an interesting article and all. His responses were subtly sarcastic mostly. A few days back I responded sarcastically to his sarcastic response. He gave me another sarcastic reply and immediately blocked me on all domains, whatsapp, fb, insta and I think even my number is blocked. I don't know what I should do now. Advice pls.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider being fair to yourself and walking away from this. It's clear that he does not seem to respect you, because he was willing to end things simply over your rejection to let him touch/kiss you. If he genuinely has strong feelings for you, he would respect your decision, and also to respect you enough not to continue flirting with other people while dating you.

      Reply
  • L

    I met a guy a few months ago that I liked very much. I’m very over protective of myself though and kept him at arms length, constantly looking for red flags and pushing him away. We dated a bit and talked a lot on the phone but that was it as I wouldn’t get close, then I found out that he was seeing someone - he didn’t tell me and I suppose there was no reason that he should, we weren’t a couple at all. It hurt me though that he hadn’t said and had carried on talking to me as usual and I lashed out, he bit and we had a big row. During the row he told me that he had really liked me but that I had never told him how I had felt, that I had pushed him away. He’s right too and I regret it a lot and now it seems too late, he’s seeing someone and won’t talk to me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes you have to simply take a leap of faith and not push people away so easily. In this case, you might have to consider walking away since you weren't technically together, and there was a limit to how many memories he has to hold his feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Ama

    I started it. a friend told me that he irg a player and that he likes me but i should forget about him. he didnt respond to my text on facebook so I took it that he wasnt interested because he sends mix signals and so i ignored him, on the road, when we pass by each other i ignored him for a month and 2 weeks. i now realise that i cant forget him and that i still love and i still want us to be together but he his no longer using his old facebook account and he doesnt hang around where i can see him. although he called me last week. help, i don't know how to face him.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you can just be casual about things, and treat him as if he were a friend for now. Work on rebuilding the bond and comfort levels first.

      Reply
  • M

    Hi,!

    My ex and I.. this has been a 2 year thing where he goes and comes back and he never really commits then he’s gone again to the next girl. I’m pretty sure he’s done with me now because he won’t reply and he’s in a solid relationship now he even put a ring on her finger and worst of all, he’s moving after her. And he won’t reply to me at all he just said he’ll take me for dinner before he leaves :) that was that he blocked me on WhatsApp he only iMessages me and I’m sure he’s implementing no contact to get over it once and for all. He told me he didn’t love me the way I loved him and I don’t know what to do now. I’ve been blowing up his phone he won’t reply me at all he still has a pet name for me but I am still blocked on WhatsApp and I saw him a month ago but .. it led to sex and he has been off with me since then . What do I do? I know I can’t let go yet I’m not ready. He also said he doesn’t know he’s been pushed too far.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider being fair to yourself and walk away from this. It may not be worth it to emotionally invest into someone who doesn't commit and hops around from girl to girl. It seems like for whatever reason, his inability to commit is specifically more so with you (since he could propose to someone else instead) shows that he may either never have been entirely serious with you, or that he just doesn't feel a certain way towards you.

      Reply
  • Mandy

    Hi my boyfriend of 2 years who is 5 years younger than me broke up with me because he said he doesnt feel the same anymore. He just started going out with friends more and made excuses not to see me. He hangs out with friends who cheats on their girlfriends and im not sure if he was doing the same. Is there a chance to get him back????

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to figure out what changed on his part and why he doesn't feel the same with you. If it's because of issues with the relationship, it's something that could still be worked on. However, if it's influence from his friends and he's still too immature to see logic, then it's hard to convince him otherwise and you might want to consider walking away from this.

      Reply
  • yas

    Hello, I met a guy and he was really sweet on the first date but I feel like i gave too much away about myself. But then he disappeared so i messaged him after a week and he replied and said he loved getting to know me but i wasn't what he was looking for. Do you think its a good idea to text him after a month and what would you suggest i text if it was a good idea

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on what you meant by giving too much of yourself away. If you meant physically, it could mean that he was playing around and was never serious about you, in which case you should consider moving on.

      Reply
  • courtney

    me and this guy i was talking to stopped talking. we were fine and i snuck out one saturday night to see him. we smoked and i got high and i wasn't focused on him. he tried to kiss me and i told him not to leave any hickeys. i also said some guy in the movie we were watching was cute. he took it the wrong way later, but at the time said nothing to me about it (he acted totally fine). i was getting in the uber to go home and he kissed me..i kissed back. he acted normal, so i didn't think about it again. the next day, his friend told me he was sick so i texted him. i said "r u ok?" he said" yea thanks" with heart emojis. i still thought everything was fine. we have 7th period together(our only class) and i walked in. he said hey wassup. i said nothing much. how bout you? and he said"nothin much either" and he went back to his convo. my friend then calls me over and said she heard him tell his friend that he was "done with her and that she'll get over it." i asked his friend if it was about me and it was. i ended up sitting next to my friend for the rest of class, crying. it has been about a month since then and we still have to sit by each other. i try to talk to him but he either says nothing, or he says the most minimal answer he can. i haven't texted him but i talked to his friend today because i wanted to text him. his friend said don't because he's over me. I'm heartbroken. i don't know what to do. plz help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should focus on letting him go, since he does not seem emotionally mature about things and capable of respecting you, because he did not even bother to tell you personally that things were over, and the reason he wanted to end things were because you said another guy was cute.

      Reply
  • Need advice

    Hey,

    My ex and I were ” living together” although we were in a long distance. Im in Aussie and he’s in Europe. And we commute to each other when we can. Since his last trip to me few months ago he seems to have burst abt all the things he has kept in, and at that time I thought consoling him helps but it got worst. And I wasnt feeling so well either so we both were in a bad place. One day he said hes sorry and he cant do it anymore, I flew to him in hope shortening thw distance helped, 7 weeks there and it didnt make a difference. He was too angry most of the time I was there, but we also had more good times. He said he still wants to talk to me but he needs time, and he thinks we should meet each other after a year. We also agreed to text on special occasions (ie xmas, new years).

    Main issue in our relationship was, my previous ex before him (insecurity on his part), my health, and our distance.

    Its been a month and a half. I texted him but he replied saying he needs more time. Last week I accidentally texted him, and he had a good response. But over the weekend my gf uploaded a photo of us and I noticed yesterday he seems to have reacted to it - he removed all his photos on facebook (or it could be nth to do with me)

    Ive been keeping busy for the past month, trying to not wallow in sadness and having only limited time to allow myself to grieve. Ive been going out, trying to keep fit, meeting friends i havent met for a while and spending time w families. Other than that ive been writing in hope i can be a better version of myself. Ive been soul searching, hollistically to self help.

    My question now is: I still feel despite of everything, I love him, and I feel that im in a better place now. And i do miss him and wish I can work on getting to talk to each other again. What do I do now he needs more space? And how long should I give or do I just wait till he reach out?

    After my accidental message that turned out good I decided to follow the messaging. I sent a meme but he onle replied after 5 days, it was a good reply as he was opening communication, but after a reply from me and him he now is mia again, and its been 4 days. Is he playing games or he’s just being polite?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could have been a polite gesture to reply your accidental text, but either way you shouldn't read too much into things. Since he has not replied, give it a couple more days to see if he will, and if he doesn't, you could always drop one more text before continuing with NC if there's still no reply from him. Bear it mind that since it's long distanced, there isn't much you can do if he isn't ready to face you or in the worst case scenario has moved on.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Hi! How are you? I really need your help!
    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, he told me he couldn’t be with me right now because he needed to find himself, he needed to star making money and think of himself for a minute. We were 5 years together and he’s Jewish and I’m atheist, but my last name is Arabic so for him is a problem, he looked very calm while breaking up with me he told me he still loves me and that he knows he will never forgive himself for doing this, but that is something that gets out of his hands. His mom called me and told me he looked depressed and that what happens to us. (He love in another country) I told her everything he told me and she said she will be visiting him because he asked her and he needed it, and that she will talk to him about it and help me. What should I do? I really want to get back with him, but he hasn’t write since the breakup and I don’t know what to do. Thank you!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space, and try to figure out if the sudden decision to end things had other reasons he isn't telling you. If there is something you could do about the situation, you should try it out. If that still doesn't work out, go into no contact to give both parties space, so that you may begin to see things in new light and he may eventually see reason, if the 5 years meant something to him, and talk to you again.

      Reply
  • ella

    hello, please if you could give me piece of advice..we broke up 2 months ago after 4 years together, we had cuture plans already and our relationship was very loving, he is the best person ive met and i mean it and i just cant lose him so after the break up i wet to nc with no pleading or begging or texting or calling however after 2 weeks i sent the text and he replied then after week we started chatting and he came up with the meet up so we went and all was great except he was treating me like we are still together (ie kisding, hugging, touching and holding hands) and it felt more loving then ever but still at the end he said we are not together...we stayed in touch and he came up with another meet up this time he went out of his eay to plan suprises while i visit, booked romantic hotel with a view over christmas market we went for dinner and again same story he was so gentle and romantic ensuring im enjoying every second of it....i would not believe we split up if he did not mention we are not together again...but since that day its 2 weeks now he went completaly silent and is not responding to anything i send, i only send few text as i dont know whats is going on and what to do, its the worst feeling in the world...the unknown and WHY...i do know from the friend he is going through really tough time with family and himself, he said its hard for him to be friends....why he doesnt tell me to leave him alone or anything?please tell me, thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that he doesn't want to hurt you so by ignoring you, it may be easier to avoid the topic altogether. Give him some space and see if he comes back again after his issues have been resolved.

      Reply
  • Dray

    Hi me and my boyfriend been together 3 almost 4 years since our senior year in high school he’s cheated in the past and of course i took him back just recently he told me he wanted to break up and i didn’t wanna take no for and answer then he tells me he found out somebody he’s cheated on me With is pregnant and he just wants to be friends no relationship at all but if i Wanted To come live with him i could and if I️ needed anything he’ll always be there what do I do will this work out?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This form of relationship is extremely unhealthy and since he has cheated an even gotten the other person pregnant, I think you should do yourself a favor and walk away from this.

      Reply
  • Dee

    Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me six weeks ago but we continued to hang out and sleep together. We remained amicable. He said he wasn’t ruling out getting back together as the reason for parting ways so he could have time and space to work on his achievements and projects with work. Anyway, he asked to hang out with me over Christmas and told me he had ‘plans’ and various birthday presents he wanted to give to me. However, he didn’t end up coming due to having a bad back. I kept asking when he would come instead and he didn’t commit to a day which annoyed me and I sent a nasty text in frustration. I’d been feeling quite down with feeling in limbo for several weeks. He didn’t reply to me so I turned up at his house unexpectedly (he lives an hour away from me). I just wanted to apologise but he wouldn’t answer the door and ended up leaving via his back gate and driving off in the car, leaving me outside on my own. Since then, he had a massive go at me about turning up and feeling like he can’t relax or be at peace in his own home. He hasn’t been in co tact for two days and I have bombarded him with messages and phone calls. I just want to talk to him. Prior to this, he always carried on saying that he loves me and that our time together was moving in the right direction (as in getting back together). Have I completely blown it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, you should completely stop all contact with him. Give him the space to process his emotions without you stepping in, because by doing so, even if he does love you, you're only going to push him further away and make the decision easier.

      Reply
  • Becky

    Hey,
    Me and my other split up three months ago
    We would have been together nearly 5 years. We’ve always had a very up and down relationship as we’re both complete opposites but some how worked for all those years. I moved in with him for six months and in those six months I wasn’t mentally well and it took a huge huge toll on our relationship so he kicked me out and told me he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t miss me. I’ve since got help and in a better place but I have been that person constantly trying to keep in contact with him til the point nasty things we’re said and we kept going round in circles ! And now he won’t even read my messages as he is tired of me begging or being nasty etc.! I still want him back even though it’s the worst break up I’ve ever had to deal with.! I’ve done the no contact rule and it just made him happier and me worse it didn’t help at all. I only did two weeks however ! I think he hates me now and is completely over it and may be too late! What should I do???

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The whole point of NC is to actually distance yourself from the immediate situation, so that you can focus on recovering (emotionally) and working on whatever shortcomings you may have had during the relationship. It also gives time for everything to reset back to a neutral point where you aren't struggling, and he doesn't hate you. NC is typically applied for 30 days but in certain cases, it might take longer since it people have different rates of recovery and letting go.

      Reply
    • Kimberly

      How are you two now?

      Reply
  • Maraelle

    Hello there! I need some advice. We both the same age, 25. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for almost 21months. He’s in Saudi for work. The reason why we broke up is we fight/argue most of the time. The last time, I argue with a girl and posted it on social media which it pissed him off with me saying that I should not posted it then we argue about it and said he is really tired of me because I didn’t listen to him. He broke me up last Nov.10, 2017. After that I didn’t contact him until I contacted him last Nov.19, saying sorry and begged him to comeback with me I also said whatever happens, I’ll wait and keep my promise. He’s going home on January 3, 2018. I know he loves me a lot and we are in a serious relationship and also he’s planning to propose on me once he come home. No third party involve. It’s just that he’s tired of me. I also continue the NC rule after he pushed me the last time I chat him (Nov.19) What I’m going to do? I really love him and I really want him back. I hope there’s a chance. Please help me. Thank you and Godbless!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi there,

      Complete the NC period first since this gives him some time to cool down. He may have said he's tired of you out of anger and needs time apart for now. Try not to overthink and stay negative for too long and spend this time to focus on yourself by going out and keeping busy. At least this may help you clear your mind.

      Reply
    • Maraelle

      Thank you so much I really appreciate your response. Yes I’m continuing the NC rule. I’ll update you! :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Terrific Maraelle, all the best!

      Reply
    • Maraelle

      Hello Ryan! I have a question. What if I already done the NC rule and still he didn’t contact me? Should I make the first move or should I wait when he come home on January 3 then talk personally? Thank you’

      Reply
  • Ellen Haygreen

    Hi me and my ex were together for just over a year. We were very serious both have children and we were very committed to each other, although we argued a lot. I moaned and he couldn’t handle it. He walked out a few times and always came back but this time he won’t speak to me and has deleted me off all social media. He has collected all of his stuff and I just want to get him back, what should I do? He is the type of guy that just ignores all his feelings and just gets on with it and I’m scared he forgets about us.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Ellen,

      You could try talking to him once more and if he does not reply it would be better to move on as there isn't much you can do at this point and go into no contact for awhile.

      Reply
  • tarhshar

    Hello Kevin

    I dated this guy for 3 months , I know he was serious with me , we were exclusive from the start , I met most of his friends and his brothers during this period , he also always insisted on being introduced to my sisters and friends but I never did act in it ..

    So I usually have mood swings , but only when he does something I don’t like .. on this particular day we went out with his friend and his friends girlfriend to a restaurant ,he didn’t ask me what I wanted to order but asked the other girl , I was jealous and I started to have my mood swings , fast forward to after dinner we were supposed to stay in a hotel but he decided to stay at his friends place without telling me first and it made me more angry , I wanted to hurt him back so I called a guy in the middle of the night it made him really jealous and angry ,next morning I tried to talk to him but he was being cold so I asked him to get me a cab to go home , we fought over text and he asked me to stop messaging him , so I went back to his friends house and he wouldn’t open the gate to talk to me so I went over the fence that obviously turned him off but he said he had forgiven me , but he started to act distant after that .. 1 week after I asked him if something was wrong and he said something had changed about his feelings since that day I jumped over the fence he asked for space so I gave him space .. didn’t contact him for two weeks then I messaged him and asked him if he wanted to break up he said he didn’t know and that he still had feelings for me , so I told him we could meet up when he was back in the country as he was on vacation then .. when he got back he didn’t contact me , so I sent him a message asking to meet up , he didn’t reply so I gave it one week and called him again this time he finally broke it off , he said he still cared about me but not in that way ...I already unfollowed him on social media sites but he still followed me on Snapchat even if I wasn’t following him back .. that day he broke up with me my best friend who is a guy asked me to come over to his house so I wouldn’t be home alone and sad , I went and I posted a video of I and my best friend driving to the mall ( we were actually going to get ice cream so I could eat it while I cry ) immediately he watched it he unfollowed me on Snapchat .. it’s been 11 days now and I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t tried to contact me and I don’t think he will ...
    I really don’t know what to do ..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      I think you have to give him some space and yourself too (so you're not overly affected by this) for the time being. Whatever happened was unfortunate but since it has already happened, right now you should focus on recovery. Apply the no contact rule and work on controlling your mood swings and improving yourself. If in the future you decide you still want to be with him, then you could initiate contact again.

      Reply
    • tarhshar

      Thanks for replying . I feel I need to apologize for my behavior ,Would it be best after the NC?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could apologize first in a simple text message but do not continue with the conversation after, and proceed with NC.

      Reply
  • Need advice

    Me and ex known each other 2.5 years . We were together a year . Fell In love . He’s my first love . He ended it a month ago he wanted a break I became a call and text gnat .so He changed his number I also heard he’s back with his ex but not for sure .. he has no social media. I want to attempt to get him back one last time .. what should I do ? He has a WhatsApp, I was thinking about creating one and contacting him or is that a bad idea ? It’s been two weeks exactly since we last spoke ..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      If he's changed his number, his WhatsApp may also have changed already. I suggest before you actually try to contact him again however, that you give it some time by applying the no contact rule first to get a hold of your own emotions before trying to contact him.

      Reply
    • Need advice

      Ok thanks for the response, so after the 30 days of NC if I feel as if I still want him back should I contact him if I could find a way ?? Also should I start the NC from the last day we spoke or today ?

      Reply
    • Need advice

      Also I made a WhatsApp, and he still is using his old number on there because when I click on his old numbers contact on there I can see his last active time .

      Reply
  • Louise

    Hi Ryan,
    Ive been on and off with my ex for about 2 years, hes a bit of a commitment phobe and said he didnt want a relationship. We had spells of not seeing each other cause he ignored me for a couple of months and then pulled away scared.
    Anyway fast forward to the last 8 months he decided he was in love with with me, rang me all the time, met my kids and we had a great time together.
    Hes now currently not speaking to me again as he started pullinh away again so i kept questioning him about it, i also 'presumed' wrongly he rook a women home with him, and he feels hurt that i messaged her asking her after he said he didnt.
    I 'begged for him back, apologised and everything but hes completely ignoring me. I did bump into him last night and he spoke and said he has no feelings for me and said we definitely wont end up back together this time
    It hurts so much, how can someone who claimed to love me only a month ago be so angry with me. He seems to hate me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Louise,

      Perhaps right now, he's still upset with you hence why he said all that? Also sometimes the more a person begs and gets desperate to want someone back, the more the person pulls away so it's important if you still love him to not act like that if you still want to contact him in the future. Give him some space before you try to contact him again. However it's also important to note that this partner of yours has been coming and going as he pleases in the past and unless he sorts out his commitment issues, even if you guys get back together, you will have to mentally prepare for that to happen again.

      Reply
  • tehnia

    Hi, Kevin and ryan,

    I need your help, as me and my boyfriend broke up after 3 years of being together for everyday.
    The fight was on his birthday the 12th of October, he had moved to another country 2 weeks earlier... and we would only see each other during the weekend.
    I was a bit upset on his birthday as we were at his place and his friends and parents were also there... I felt ignored where I was wrong as it was his birthday...
    Anyway the fight took an ugly note where I took the proposing ring and gave it to him .... but then I immediately took it back to ... but then I went home ... as his friend asked me to leave.
    The next day I only texted him to come over to mine to sit and talk ... and didn't apologize.. to which he responded saying .. he is not in the condition to come see me and that he needs the day to recover from the fight. Later I got to know he was out with his friends.
    The next day he did come to see me and kept telling me that I didn't take any measures to fix my mistake and waited for him to come back ... but I apologized a lot... then he flew and that week we had almost angry conversations where he wouldn't talk to me about anything and just kept saying we shall talk face to face the weekend after.
    The weekend after he came and said he doesn't want this relationship because we have understanding issues .. as he has give 100 % of himself in the relationship and since my reactions are blunt he is scared to take things further.
    I apologized again and almost begged him not to break up.. he was crying as well but said sorry and went.
    The next day I went to see his parents and apologized to them too.. as he had mentioned that during that week I didn't go and apologize to his parents or saw them.
    Now its been 5 days we are not talking any more .. because he said he needs time and space to recover and past this ... but at the same time he has also sent me messages saying lets not talk for a few days .... as it hurts him and me too...
    He has also messaged saying that I should change and not do what I did to him while im with some 1 else.
    I realize that I have blunt reactions,,,, and am working on changing them. but I want him back...
    Please suggest me what to do .... im scared that if I don't talk to him for 30 days he might think I again didn't do anything to fix things... he has also said that ... he cant trust me any more .. and that he doesn't want this ... do u think I have a chance ?

    Please help please

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Tehnia,

      In this case, my suggestion to you would be to drop him a last text to apologize for the blunt actions you've done of late that might have hurt his feelings and tell him that you agree that both parties need space right now and you'll spend this time working on yourself. At least this sets the NC period on the right note where your concern of him not thinking you will change is settled. Then take the time to focus on yourself and work on the issues you may currently be facing.

      Reply
  • Shrek

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve completed my 30days no contact. So the thing is on the day of my breakup my ex said we’d try to meet up in November(ie next month) but i didn’t take him seriously cause maybe he was only trying to be polite since he dumped me. During no contact he contacted me only once to wish me on my birthday and i did not respond. Now my question is when i text him should i mention anything about the meet up he previously mentioned?? Also should i mention about his birthday wish? Please help me, thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi there,

      Yes if your intention at the end of the no contact period is you still want to be with him, perhaps you could casually arrange for that meet up. Also, I think you could just thank him for wishing you and just mention in passing that it was not a good time to reply back then so you never got round to it.

      Reply
    • Shrek

      Hi Ryan, thanks for your reply. Yes, i do want to get back with him. So i texted him saying something like i watched a show which reminded me of him and hoped that he was doing great. To which he replied that he was doing okay and hoped the same for me( with a smiley emoji). So i took that as a positive reply and replied that i was doing good too and thanked him for the birthday wish. But i didnt get around to telling him the reason why i couldnt reply last time cause he hasn’t replied to my text. A day has gone by. What do you think i should do next? If you please have a suggestion? Also, about the meet up we’re in different cities now so it’s awkward to bring that up now when he didn’t reply but the reason for the breakup had nothing to do with the distance, it’s pretty complicated. Sorry for the long haphazard tale. If you can please give your opinion thanks

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps since he did not reply you, it would be best to leave it at that for now and continue with the no contact for a short period more before dropping him another casual text. You don't wanna send too many 'casual' texts over a short period because it comes across as intentional, and not casual anymore.

      Reply
    • Shrek

      Hi Ryan,

      So i texted him again and we had a pretty good chat this time. He hadn’t been this friendly in a long time. But now the problem is that, after several messages he’s like I think i need to tell you something and he tells me he’s moving away from the country soon. A little background- we’re both of different nationalities. He was working in my country so that’s how we met. While we were in a relationship we were together in the same city for a year. Then 2months prior to the breakup i had to move to a different city. What should i do in this scenario? Should i suggest a meet up before he moves away, is it a good idea? Please help, many thanks!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If meeting him is something that will help you with closure then yes, meet him before he moves away (provided he wants to as well). If you feel that it would not, then do not meet him as it may affect you even more.

      Reply
  • Ann

    Hi,

    I really need some clarity and advice about my situation.

    I was dating someone for about 3 months and everything was great. He is the one that pursued me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. He would always call and make plans and tell me how I am so perfect and he is so lucky to have met me. He always said he has never met anyone like me before, someone so caring, genuine, and someone that makes him feel this good. He respected my decision to have sex with him when I am ready because even though he has never waited he knew I was worth it and did not want to lose me. He talked about a future with me and how I have everything he is looking for.
    One Saturday about a month ago we went out had a great time, I met a group of his friends for the first time. The next day we had plans but they changed and I was disappointed. For the rest of Sunday and Monday he barely spoke to me or returned my messages. Finally Monday night he answered and told me that he's not ready for a relationship because he can't handle the work one requires. I asked to see him the next day. We talked and he said ok we can try to take things slow and work on it. But then again he kept acting the same way. So when I saw him again that week he said he needs space to figure things out because he doesn't feel ready to be a relationship, he said to give him 3 weeks. I was sad and couldn't not talk to him. He said why am I being emotional and can't get over it. He said he doesn't want a relationship and is talking to other girls. A week after he ended things with me he went out with a girl he claims to be his friend and posting stuff on snapchat. Since then I haven't spoken to him or reacted to his posts with her. I have been through a lot of crappy situations with men and for the first time I met someone that was so different and treated me right. I don't know what happened or what changed. He left me so confused and hurt.

    Ann

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Ann, I'm sorry to say this but do you think it's possible that he wasn't very serious about you? If that is the case, it would be better that you focus on recovering from the hurt and giving yourself some space to untangle yourself emotionally.

      Reply
  • V*

    Hey kevin thanks for this..was in a long distance relationship with this guy..and everytime i was the one who contacted him always..he was a hard working guy who always encouraged me to use ma skills too to work..sometimes i wasn't even sure whether we were dating or not..evertime he came back to my country, i would have like one sleep over and the next time i wanted one, he could put up something..and most of the time i ended up concluding that maybe he was with someone else..i always concluded in a negative way..so this year he came back but i was ready to stay with him for all the days he was here till he got back..everytime i wanted to meet..he would either say he was busy or not around..since he was never in the country..i missed him n everytime he came back, i wanted to b with him or see him...he ended telling me tht "i was all about meeting"..tht i had to do something productive..this is a guy i hadn't seen in 1 and ahalf years..time cam he stopped chatting..i wondered why and he concluded by telling me tht "i made him distant"..i dont really know what i did to make him distant..any help..he hasn't talked to me in 15 days..he never replies to any of my texts and i really want to talk to him.. what should i do?

    Reply
  • Blaqswan

    My ex that I have children with and have known for 25 years has recently stopped speaking to me, he goes through our children by telling them how angry he is at me and can not speak to me or see me, yet tells them he loves me so much. The baffling part is .. every conversation he has he speaks about me, yet he claims he doesn't wish to deal with me at all. He also told our daughter that he doesn't want to speak to me for fear that whatever he says he won't be able to take back. I have texted him and he hasn't responded but I know he gets abs hears my messages because he will tell our kids.. and sometimes if I tell him to do something he will. Weird ... I feel like he hasn't gotten over me and his attempt to " stay away " is all a front .. thoughts?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Yes, it does seem that way. I am not sure what has caused him to be like this but you should do no contact and try speaking to him calmly. Give him some space and time to figure out what he wants and work on yourself while he is doing so. Work on your communication skills and try to speak to him when you are ready.

      Reply
  • Thomas Robertson

    So I'm speaking to her now after about three weeks. Two days in a row there is still a lot of love between us I cheated with my baby's mother to see if there was anything left for my child due to the fact the mother use my daughter as a pon. I am in love with my girlfriend but thinks I was playing her when that wasn't the case. I want to keep in contacts but not to pushy and give her time and space but want to win her back . I think she knows I love her . I have been around her twice and the feeling of love is strong for both of us like nothing ever left . How do I keep in contact to win her back with out being to push and putting pressure on her?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Thomas,

      Tell her that you understand her need for space and you will be there for her if she needs you. Let her know that you understand how she feels betrayed but you are willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust back. Do limited contact after that (only talk to her if she initiates) and meanwhile, try to do things that show her that you are serious about earning back her trust and never betraying her again. Things such as personal counseling really shows that you are willing to make internal change to make sure it doesn't happen again.

      Reply
  • Rabia

    If you wont moderate comments here then people wont be able to benefirlt from this article.

    Reply
  • Shana

    Where is my comment?

    Reply
  • cindy

    My ex and I were together for 5 years and then out of no where he told me he wanted to be just friends.. he says he felt sorry for me and couldn't end the relationship sooner.. I told him I didnt want to talk to him and he asked if we can talk when he picks up the car (which ge gave me and now wants it back) so its been 1 week and he texts me and I text back (which breaks the no contact rule) but I stopped replying. So I started the no contact rule all over again. And hasnt texted at all.. we are supposed to meet up in a week because he asked for his car back (which he gave me) and talk .. i told him I didnt want to and he said that he wants to.. I really dont know what about... if he got what he always wanted (with breaking up with me)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Tell him that you need some space and time and you will be happy to talk after enough time has passed. Then do no contact. For the car, you can send a friend instead of going yourself.

      Reply
  • Shell

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex and I was together for 5 months. I moved in with him after 3 months of being together only because of financial circumstances. While I was with him I started my new career and then things with us started falling apart, he wanted me to work out and lose weight so I did that I ate healthy and lost 60 pounds in such little time. A couple weeks ago my sister and her friend came over to our apartment and dropped off his gate key because she stayed with us for a week.

    We were doing wonderful and when they came over his attitude started changing and he told me he no longer wanted to be with me because of my sister and her friend telling lies about me which he believed it and he believed it so much it started coming a reality to him. Well one day he left and went to his parents house and told me he is not happy and I have one week to move out and find a place to stay. I didn't take him seriously because he had said it in the past when we argued and we always got past that. Anyway, He threw me and all of my stuff out of the apartment yesterday and he told me that I can never get him back he said "thank your sister and her friend for my decision" but before he said that a day before he said "if you want to win me back make things right with your sister and lose weight. I also hope you continue to lose weight and make me realize if I made a bad decision or not".

    I went into panic mode and started the clingyness, stalking him at work, and blowing up his phone. Well he met someone else a week ago and he said he has a new girlfriend while I was staying at his place. He wouldn't come home for 2 weeks I had to stay at his work til he got off just to see him and he pushed me away calling me crazy and telling me he is not attracted to me and telling me im fat. Then he sped off really fast. I texted him today and told him he still had some of my stuff in his closet and my vacuum. He said "your vacuum is safe and let me know when you want to come get the rest of your stuff." I then brought up the new girl and he said I told her how you are and I am getting a restraining order on you" My question to you is how do I get him back? He started seeing her right after he broke up with me. Do you think she is just a rebound or something more? He has become attached to my kids and asked about my son on Thurday.

    When we were together he took my son to meet his son and they all went to the arcade and movies together and had a great time then the following week is when my sister started drama with us. He still talks to my sister and she is still feeding him lies. What should I do? I no longer talk to my sister since the break up. How can I win him back and get on his good side for him to want me back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Shell,

      To be honest, he sounds like a jerk and I really think you deserve a lot better than him. I know that right now you feel like he is the one and if your sister hadn't done what she did, you two would have lived happily ever after. But trust me, it's not the case. If anyone can make him break up with you and act like a complete jerk, then I think he was just looking for an excuse. And your sister gave him one.

      I know you still want him back, but I think you should move on. Even if you don't want to listen to my advice and try to get him back, you should do at least 2 months of no contact. Make some positive changes in your life and try going on a few dates. Learn to be happy without him. You have started a new career, concentrate on that. Concentrate on being healthy (not just losing weight). Do things that make you happy. After 2 months of no contact, if you still want him back, send him a text. Keep things short and don't be needy. But I truly hope you will realise what a jerk he has been during these 2 months.

      Reply
  • PoopedOut

    I think there's a point where they're really just done. I had a 5 year relationship (marriage) with my ex. We had issues within the first 4 months, and we fought a lot. We were really in love and perfect until the first break up, then each succeeding breakup after that got worse and worse. There were so many small and major breakups and pain we caused each other after that I can't even count them all. But when we finally moved apart (at the 4 year mark), I felt he really just was done with me so I accepted it and tried to move on. I met someone else through a friend of a friend online that was long distance who charmed me off my feet and distracted me from even thinking about my ex. So I unconsciously applied the no contact. Just after a month later I started getting a trickle of texts from him just trying to start a conversation which I replied to tersely. Then he finally texted me he really wanted me back and wanted to start fresh and was committed to it when he saw I didn't need him anymore. Long story short, we did end up getting back together and he was trying really hard to be great to me, but I kept feeling like he owed me, for leaving me after he cheated on me with so many people so blatantly. So after a couple of months of the passion of getting back together we were back to a cold distance and mild hate. And 3 months after that I ended it, because I felt I deserved better than to stay with someone who can't even give me what he said he would commit after I let him back. The horrible thing is a few months after my major decision I wanted him back more than ever. But he finally had moved on. I became shamelessly clingy and needy wanting him back like I had never done before the more he pushed me away. And he would literally tell me he didn't love me, I need to go away. He ignored all my calls, and texts, and just didn't care at all. I stopped bothering him for months, and he didn't initiate contact with me. I found out eventually he was sleeping with other women and even had a 6 months relationship with someone already, we started talking again, and having casual sex after 7 months apart, although he doesn't initiate contact at all or have a need to answer more than he needs to when speaking to me on a daily basis. Strangely I keep not accepting the finality of it even though it is completely obvious he will never come back to me. I think my mind has been tricked into thinking it's over so many times before and he kept wanting me back that it's strangely stuck in believing it will happen again. And because this is the first time I ended the relationship, it seems I feel I have the power to change it. I hope this was insightful for anyone trying to understand their own torn feelings.

    Reply
  • Anonymous

    Hello,well after reading these wonderful posts I am sort of understanding what should I do about my unstable relationship. Well, this person I had been dating for complete a year now almost two years, we were in a yr relationship and he loved me very much at least what I can say and think, I hid part of my identity from him as it started from a online source and I was basically wasn't serious until he started to come in the town to meet with me and intimacy started to occur,in the beginning he was acting fine with me as in being intimate but of course wasn't totally okay. Its been now almost one year since we last met, and during that time he barely answered my phone calls and text messages,whenever we'd talk he'd want intimacy and all that but then he went away and even blocked me from all the social networks and the messages apps plus phone numbers and everything,once I texted him and then one day we talked that's probably the last night time we talked and webcam each other about 6 months now.. He barely contacted me and if he did, he'd say 'hey' or 'i won't talk to u again' yet send me small tiny text messages somewhere when I disappear and when I write in paragraphs he's all ignoring me and saying 'lol' I do not know exactly what's the case with him, yet am confused at what should I exactly do. I talked with these people on his social network(women/girls) who he seem close with, and she showed him all the arguments we had(that girl and my fights), he got really furious and blocked me again after i texted him a picture of me and told him to take care of himself plus said a lot of things about reminding him of old things related to us, i did sent him a lot o desperate text messages and all that in past 10 months,and at that time he told me that 'don't ever try to get close to me',after that I made up couple of things up for him to answer my calls and reunite but as soon as he hears my 'hello' he hangs up, I called him from a skype number though many times. As of now, I had made all mistakes I possibly could had done, and this guy did ask me for a arousing picture of myself recently, anyhow I am putting up the no contact rule up just hope it works for him to reach out, but is there anything else I should consider doing?

    Reply
  • Yvette

    Okay, so I read all the articles you mention in this site. Gonna start the 5-step plan, i am nervous, scare of the outcome, and hope this will end my heartaching pain. :'-(

    Reply
  • ClarisS

    Hello Kevin,
    I would love to get an advice from you. My boyfriend broke up with me, it's been a month now, but i kept on contacting him, because he didn't do anything wrong. He just said that he doesn't love me anymore and he is too young for this kind of relationship (we were together for about 16 months). So i get that. And first he told me that he would love to be with me in a year. Like that i'm perfect for him, but it's just not the time yet (my friends say that it was just some phrase to calm me down, that guys say). Well so i thought it could be ok again in some time. But i kept on texting him and being needy and i was trying to convince him to be with me.. Then he told me that he doesn't want to be with me and since then he stopped saying the stupid thing about being with me in one year. I feel really ashamed because i wrote him for the whole month after all of that. And today after the whole month i decided to start no conntact rule. I deleted him on facebook and even his number (but my friend has it so i can ask her later) and i told him i want to end this for myself. But still I just hope he will come back to me.. I can't imagine him being with some other girl .. I just hope that he contacts me in some time.. but i doubt that it will be in thirty days .. I just need to get my life together and maybe then .. if i still want to .. what do you think? should i do something else? Should i still contact him after 30 days? because it seems like it's really short time for him to miss me..
    Thank you for your answer :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Claris,

      If you think you are ready after 30 days (no longer needy and you've accepted the breakup and will be fine no matter what the outcome is and you think getting together is a good idea), then you should contact him. Right now is not the time to think about contacting him. Right now, you should just be concentrating on yourself. Think about contacting a few days before no contact is over.

      Reply
  • Candice hill

    Great article and I would love to try it but what do you do when you and the person are from the same place,live walking distant apart? Hang out at the same place and have the same friends. I can do the part of the rule that I don't text him or anything but I won't be able to not see him. How does that work?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      When you see him, just act casual and keep the conversations as short as possible. It's going to be extremely difficult if you two hangout with the same friends. I'll recommend going on a holiday if possible or finding new friends to hang out with.

      Reply
  • John

    Well to start off, me and my best friend have known each other for about 4 years now. We have been dating for 14 months. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. This is our second break up. I know that we are a good and strong couple, but the problems that led to our breakup are generally provided by me and are the same problems that led to the first break up. I get jealous when she goes out, I want to see her all the time, and sex has become a big issue because she says I just want to have sex every time we see each other. I have taken these 3 weeks off; contacted her about 2-3 times and I tried to convince her that I'm going to change, and I feel like I can do it this time around. She's just tired of this, and says that she can't do it anymore for the time being, yet she says one day we can be together again, but not now. I told her if she could just 'try me', and to take things slowly. Like dating and giving each other space in the mean time. She just says no. What do I do to convince her? I have 3 days with NO CONTACT. It gets harder each day, please reply, I really need some advice. Thanks in advance.

    Reply
  • Julie

    Me and my ex broke up for the second time a week ago. Something had been off in our relationship and a after a few weeks of us being distant he decided to break up with me. I thought it was just a rough patch because we had been so amazing to weeks prior and he was saying how much he loved me and couldn’t see himself ever being with anyone else. He told me I was an amazing girl, that he still loved me, but wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore. He said he still wanted to stay friends because he didn’t want to lose me in his life so he texted me the next day and we haven’t spoken at all since. It has been a whole week and I thought he wouldv’e tried to contact me by now. I have been good with the no contact rule, but I’m scared if I don’t initiate contact soon that he’s going to forget about me. I still feel like we have a lot of love for each other but I’m scared I’ll never be able to get him back if he doesn’t contact me, but I’m not sure if I should contact him. Can I have some advice? We had been dating for a year and a half.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's OK. He won't forget you. You don't forget someone you dated for one and a half year in a month. Continue no contact.

      Reply
  • H

    Thank you for the reply!

    My qns is, how do I assess whether we are compatible? I mean, throughout the one year that I was with him, I was happy most of the time, until I found out he lied to me. He didn't cheat, but he lied saying he was at home sleeping when he actually went to meet a female friend one on one. His reason was that if he had been honest with me, I wouldn't have allowed him to go meet his friend, even tho they had nothing going on.

    So since I discovered his lie, the relationship went downhill cos I couldn't trust him; I was constantly doubting whether he was lying to me. That sort of led to the tension and break up.

    Another qn, if he claims he does not have anymore feelings for me, is it still possible to get him back, and how?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's a big question and I don't think I can answer it fully in a comment. I've answered it to some extent in this article.

      For your second question, yes, it's possible to bring back the feelings in him when you contact him after no contact period ends.

      Reply
  • H

    Hi Kevin, been trying to leave a msg to no avail. We broke up about a week ago and I have since started the NC. However, is the 5 step manual gonna work if the reasons he cited for breakup were:

    1. He does not love me anymore
    2. Our characters are not compatible, and we have tried hard enough.

    (he has initiated breakup twice before this final break, but I convinced him to try and work it out for the past two times)

    Please reply!!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do you think you two are compatible? If so, then it might work. But if you two truly are not compatible, then even if you two get back together, you will eventually breakup. So before contacting him again, you should be absolutely sure that you and him can have a healthy and long lasting relationship with each other.

      Reply
  • roggy

    Hey Kevin,
    Ok this is 4th time i'm trying to contact you but no reply. Please i need your help badly.
    Me and my ex broke up 3 months earlier. After a month of no contact i realized that i need to get her back at any cost. So i got you. Your mails helped alot and then we started talking again but just as friends. I could have won her heart again but suddenly one of my friends messed up everything by texting her. She got mad and then complained me. I was a little busy in my exams so i could'nt handle that situation properly. After another month of NC i wished her birthday 4 days earlier, she replied thnx and ended coversation. i texted her again but she didn't reply. What should i do now? please need your suggestion it helped me previously and i hope it will help me again if you reply. So please kindly reply me kevin. HELP!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Roggy,

      Try a couple of weeks of no contact again. You can apologise for your mistake and use the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan to get back in touch.

      Reply
  • nomoremrniceguy

    30 days no contact? Ha! How about 2 full years and he still wont talk to you? How can a person be so stubborn? 2 whole years and he is still holding a grudge. Truth is, I did nothing wrong, but tell him how I really felt about him, which he already knew because I expressed it all the time. And he tried to make it seem like I was the problem, but after he came to his revelation about me, how convenient was it that he already had a "girlfriend"? They knew each other quite well, too. I understand that we weren't official. I understand that he didn't feel the same way as I did. But he was supposed to be my "friend forever." He didn't care that I was a gay guy and he loved me. At least that is what he said. How was I supposed to know that you weren't into me like that if you were constantly flirting with me and saying questionable things? I tell you I like you and you go mute after hearing me saying it numerous times?! Then when I see you, you're telling me that I make you feel uncomfortable and that you can't even speak to me...but just a week ago, you were my baby. Just a week ago, you were smiling ear to ear...rushing home from the corner store to talk to ME...but now I make you feel uncomfortable and you can't speak to me? I guess you praised to Allah and he gave you an answer OR deep down inside you felt the same way I did and you thought getting rid of me would help you to repress those feelings OR you met some girl who you were comfortable having those feelings for and you saw that as an opportunity to get rid of me OR all I really was to you was entertainment...nothing more...nothing less.

    I don't want to be his lover. I just wanted to be his friend and see how he was doing, but he completely blew me off when I messaged him on Facebook. He didn't even add me as a friend. Any person who can hold a grudge for two full years over nothing and doesn't even give a person the courtesy of acknowledging their presence after reaching out is a person I want nothing to do with. His heart has to be made of ice. I wished him well during those full 2 years apart, but now I hope that he finds someone he is truly mad about and she or he treats him the same way he has treated me. And I hope he carries the pain from the aftermath of that relationship from THE duration of his life. This is why humans weren't given powers because Lord knows I'd probably use them to get even.

    Reply
  • ailana

    Hi Kevin,
    Sometimes my husband says he wants to do no contact because it hurts him to talk to me because he knows I'm hurt and sad by him leaving me and dating someone new, but we still communicate, sometimes he calls first and sometimes I do. I'd like to believe there is a sign somewhere in that scenario that would indicate a glimmer of hope that my husband and I have a good chance to reconcile, so with fingers crossed, I will be attempting no contact this week.

    Reply
  • Jackie

    hey kevin,

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and things were going great until now. He feels like he cant trust me because i was not completly honest about my past relationship. I have never cheated on him but now he thinks that I have. he is so back and forth about his feeling. One day he says he is trying regain trust then the next he is sending me mean text messages. not to mention I dont get a long with his family. I think and feel like we are done for good although I dont want to be, he is my best friend! He wont respond to any of my messages or calls now for 2 days. is it too late to save this relationship? do i need to give him the space and the NC ? Thanks for listening!:)

    Reply
  • Madison

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex told me 4 months ago he needed a break after being together 9 years he is 42 i am 35. After that I went into desperate needy etc all the things you are not supposed to do...sometimes he would agree to possibly meeting to talk only to change his mind..then said to me he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now and that he just needs time. Well yet again i would go a few days and text him again only for it to turn angry last week. He said all I am doing is making him hate me and to move on and he doesnt love me or isn't in love with me anymore and to move on...they day after that i emailed him and said things were a bit harsh etc.and that i agree time is what is needed...He replied with "why so you can text and all me all day everyday" I presume NC is the best idea here..do you think this is truly done? I have yet to give him the space or time he asked for in the beginning of this.
    Thanks!

    Reply
  • Anh

    Hi Kevin,

    Im glad Ive found your blog! I enjoyed what I read so far! Still dont get me wrong as since im serious about getting my ex back so I did lots of research about relationship books! I hv actually purchased one which I didnt really find it could work my case out!

    I have been with this guy for 6 months and every been great at least I thought so.. He was the most honest person I know apart from my family! We fell in love as quicky as everything happened! We were nearly living with each other.

    I could feel that everything happen so fast and sometime i ignored the thought of slow thing down abit because i couldnt stand the thought of not being with him everyday, as even i could feel he might think the same that everything happened so fast!

    He has drinking problem!!! Its not like he has to drink everyday.. Its only friday thing so i was cool with it at 1st... As we got closer and i spent more time at his... Everytime he got back drunk he got so negative which i couldnt stand and wanted to work thing out by not seeing him on fri night. But it didnt work out really well as 2 weeks after that he was keep being crazy even we not seeing each other. He called me up in the middle of the night and asked to see me, waited outside my house for 2 hours!

    Then i thought maybe i would wait at home so he would get to see me when he back as well as i know he got back safe!

    But thing got worse with his drunkness! Everything beside that was great! He was the one that wait for me at home and cook me dinner! He kept me posted with whatever he up to and i never had a thought about what if he not get back to me cause he always did!

    I decided to try to ignore that one problem about his drinking problem so we could continute the good parts... Eventho i knew it was not healthy that way!

    As thing got worse and there was one time i recored the whole convo we had when he drunk!!! Those normally about negative saying and stuff as we shouldnt be together or things that he concerned but didnt want to concern my thought when he sober!

    I sent that to him in the next morning and left hang out with friends. When i got back he was out and i couldnt reach him! Then he left message as want to break up!

    I was all panic and did all crazy things that i could never imagine myself doing when i am my normal self! I know i was only push him away further! He also think im crazy now!

    And its over a month since the break up happened but i didnt really give up but kept trying what i thought can make thing better and obviously got opposite results! I got more hurt and end up missing him crazy... So i shot him 1 last message before i commit myself to the NC period! He replied but didnt sound very likely we r gonna be back together eventually! I convinced myself to move on alr but a big part of me still believe in what we have had was real and beautiful!

    So here i am... Offically the 7th day of my NC but please note the break up happen over a month ago!!! Do u think if its posible we would get back together? I can go details about my convo with him so u may know better about the situation!

    Also I messaged me last night which I assumed a drunk txt! He txted "mate, im for a shindig"

    I would appreciate very much if u could give me some advices!

    Have a great day!

    Cheers

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Anh,

      He has a drinking problem. And there's no sign of that going away. I know things might be great despite that, but that doesn't change the fact that he has a problem and if you choose to be with him, you will have to stay with his problem as well. Whether or not he will work on that problem is an entirely different issue. From what I've heard (I am no expert in alcoholism, it's just from what I heard and read about it), people with drinking problems only look for help once they've hit rock bottom. Perhaps, the breakup with you is him heading towards his rock bottom. Perhaps he will get back in touch with you once he has solved his issues. But this is all conjecture. What we know right now is that he has a problem. A problem that is going to affect your life in a major way if you choose to stay with him. Are you still willing to stay with him?

      Reply
  • jay

    Hi kevin,
    So me and my ex stopped talking 2 months ago, he told me he needed a break and didn't have time for girls. The next day he blocked me on facebook and also blocked my number, I found out through a freind he was in a relationship the same day. I seen him a week later we argued and it got heated he told me his new relationship 'just happened' when I asked if he loved her he said no they hadn't got round to saying that yet. Anyway I haven't spoken to or seen him since that night, the weekend just gone he approached my friend on a night out (I wasn't there) he asked her how I was doing, asked a few times if I was back with my ex and said he didn't believe my friend when she said no, he also said he hopes iam happy because I'm a lovely girl but I had to many problems and eventhough he is with someone else he wishes me all the luck. Is this new relationship a rebound and is that him basically saying he is over me?

    Kind regards,
    Jay.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      A rebound. Although, there's a good chance he started things with that girl before he ended it with you. You should try the 5 step plan. If it doesn't work, move on.

      Reply
    • jay

      I was thinking he could have started things with her before me, he seemed kind of distant in the week's running up to everything that happened, one more thing kevin all that stuff he said to my friend does that mean theres still feelings there or is he giving me the blow off?

      Thanks,
      Jay.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It means he still has feelings for you. But it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to get back together.

      Reply
    • jay

      Hey kevin,
      So I seen my ex last night for the first time in 6 weeks at first he didn't acknowledge the fact he had seen me but then I smiled and he smiled. I changed bars and went to another one after half an hour my ex walked in and seen me talking to a guy he came over and talked to my freinds and I spoke to him we at down and had a drink he told me he wasn't happy with the new girl (who he got in to a relationship with after me) but he is living with her (after just 6 weeks) he told me they have split up twice already and he also said she tries to control him by telling him to not go out with friends and things like that. Anyway we spoke for a good hour we had a few cuddles but a few things stuck out, he had a charity wrist band on and told me he had that on when we were together and that he won't take it off, he had the aftershave on I bought him for Christmas, he also said he has been checking his phone for the last 6 weeks to see if I have text him, and he said he rides past my house on his motorbike just out of curiousity, he also saidthat our song had been played in one a bar earlier on in the night. He said we can be friends but I still feel as if there is something between us he told me he would see me the weekend after next as the weekend coming up he is away for the weekend (with the new girl) but he said he would see me when he is out the weekend after he said I could text him one time (I text him when I arrived home last night and said thanks for the talk I haven't text him since then) but I haven't had a reply and I also think my number may still be blocked as iam still blocked on facebook. Any advice on this would be great.

      Thanks,
      Jay.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jay,

      Don't message him until he messages you first. I think you should just play it cool and let him make all the moves. Continue working on yourself and start going on dates if you think you are ready for it.

      Reply
  • Siddiqa

    Hey I am still under the NC phase however I did speak to my boyfriend before this and he would usually give one word answers "ok" "no problem" I'm worried what if I send him a text saying along these lines... "something reminded of you" and his answer is an "ok". What should I do theN? Should I try and make a conversation by saying how are you? Or what?

    Thanks !

    Reply
  • Katie

    Kevin,
    I started dating my ex a few weeks after him and his girlfriend of two years broke up. Yes, i technically was the rebound but we actually ended up dating for over a year and he never treated me as one. He stopped contact with his ex after awhile because he knew it would improve our relationship. Recently we broke up for other reasons and at the beginning i was a little desperate to work things out but i started no contact right away. During no contact, i saw him become friends with his ex girlfriend before me and start talking to her again. Is she a rebound now or is he still in love with her? I know he still views my social media sites so he is still curious. But is he totally done with me now that he's communicating with his ex? Or is it possible i can still make him fall for me again and not her?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Katie,

      It's very hard to say if she will be a rebound now. There's a chance he still has feelings for her. However, I don't think he is totally done with you and you definitely have a chance of getting him back. But I'll recommend you try it only once and if things don't work out, you should move on.

      Reply
  • Jack

    Hello Kevin,
    I met this girl in a college class. We were friends for quite a few months before we became a couple. We dated for about a year. She is in the Air Force and I supported her constantly through her 9 months of training by writing to her and always being there for her. About a month ago we both confessed that we had both cheated on each other. We worked through it and although it was hard things felt fine and went back to normal. She was gone in training for about 9 months and in that time I go to see her 3 or 4 times. Then a week ago, the week before she was going to be home for good, she said that she couldn't do this any more and dumped me. I was and still am dumbstruck. Her and I had a connection unlike any other. She fully gave me her heart and we had discussed the possibility of marriage. When we broke up she told me she still loved me. She is the type of woman who doesn't ever talk to her ex's again and told me that she doesn't want to ever talk again even though we both had such a close intimate (spiritually and mentally, not physically) relationship. I haven't contacted her and am following the 30 day no contact rule! Is there anything else I can do to win this dream woman back? Thank you very much.

    Best Regards,
    Jack

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jack,

      It sucks. But have you considered the possibility that she dumped you because she is cheating on you again? Think about it during NC. I'll recommend you do NC for more than 30 days. Preferably 3 months.

      Reply
  • RD

    Hey Kev... so,my ex contacted me and he wants to get back together..we broke up before 2,5 months (i told you the story before),but since then,i met this new guy,who is 22 and 17..he lives in a different city than me,2 hours away,but he comes to mine really often because his family is here.We've been talking on skype for more than 5 hours a day,and he is really great.He is really mature and he knows what a woman wants..He's been great to me,listening me and have been here for me,i really like him and i can see a future with him...Before my ex initiated contact with me,i have been missing him a lot but now i don't know...I really like this new guy but i still love my ex and i know that my ex loves me.This new guy is black and my father is really racist so if i want to date him,i will have to do it one year secretly since i'm going to France to study in one year,and we've been talking with this new guy that he can come to visit me (we aren't together yet)...But then i don't know if i can have a long distance relationship with him without even having it close at first..I love my ex and want to give it a shot but i don't want to go back to the same old stuff,having him hurt me over and over again,make me cry,and just break up with me so easily like he did before...I know that this new guy would never hurt me like that and i'm afraid if i stop talking to him for my ex,and i get hurt,i will regret it deeply letting him go because he is really great..please help me ASAP !! thankss!Any other responses are welcome

    Reply
  • RD

    Heyyy Kevin! So i my ex added me on fb and chatted me last night,after seeing me in an event for 4 days! the 1 one we spoke a bit but i thought that was it.I was speaking to him friendly,and i was the one who closed the chat and went to sleep because i read somewhere that you should be the one to stop the first convo...How should i be talking to him in order to make him know that i'm not here waiting for him or ready to fall for him head over heels again? How should i continue going from here? please guide me!

    Reply
    • RD

      He told me that my new hair color looks amazing on me, and that he was really happy to see me even if we didn't talk that much..what does all this mean?

      Reply
  • Ann

    My ex son's father and I have had an off and on relationship for 4 years now. During our last 3 break ups, he gets back with his daughters' mother within a month later. They last for several months to a year or so. Every time they break up though, he gets back with me within a week to a month later. During the last few times we dated, we last about 5 months now. We have stopped emailing each other 3 months ago because we couldn't stop arguing over past relationships. That makes me think he still loves me, although he is with her. I don't know how to make it out for our son. I could use some advice please!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      In my opinion, you should get out of this on and off relationship and move on. You and your son will have a much more stable and healthy life with him out of the picture.

      Reply
  • Louisa

    Hi Kevin,

    My first serious boyfriend left me exactly a week ago today as he said he didn't love me as much anymore. I did everything I could to get him back but nothing worked. He has been spending some time with a girl he met the day before he broke up with me, is she a rebound? We are talking as friends now but it's not the same. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he ignores me. He has asked how I've been, does he still care? I want to do all I can to have him back as I know I am right for him although he says I'm not the right girl for him. This all happened when we had an argument a week before he left, and I confronted him about a few things he was doing wrong, he hates being confronted about anything and always has to be right. He said since that argument he didn't love me as much and doesn't think the love will ever come back, then five hours after we split he said there are no feelings at all. How can I get him to have feelings for me again?

    Reply
  • Jennifer

    Dear Kevin, i need your help.
    Basically i was only dating this guy for a short 6 weeks. Everything was great he pursued me and showed me he was serious abouts us. However he suddenly ended it exactly a month ago (just after our date ended btw, we went for dinner and movie) saying that there is no spark anymore.
    I was so devastated. I texted him 2 days later saying thanks for everything since he had done so much for me and i really appreciated that. He responded nicely and then i went NC. A week later he texted me said to enjoy my short trip in another country. I replied aloof and nicely, no desperation whatsoever but the chat lasted only 2 days and he didnt initiate anymore.
    The next weekend i gave in and texted him. He again replied veryyyy nicely and it felt like the old times but the chat only lasted a day. The next weekend (just last sunday) stupidly I texted him again and we chatted nicely until last night when we both said good night. I dont think i will hear from him again soon. What should i do? I really want him back but i dont want to be the one who always initiate texts :( is there any chance at all?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't initiate any texts for one month. After that, ask him to hang out. Read the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Jennifer

      Thanks kev.. But how if he texts me during that one month?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he texts you, reply and have a normal conversation with him. You are only allowed to talk to him if he initiates.

      Reply
    • Jennifer

      He finally initiates but we just keep a short conversation since he was going to board a plane soon. Then I just said safe flight and that was it. He didn't initiate anymore. This was 2 days ago. What to do? Driving me crazy knowing i only must wait and wait and cant do anything to get him back

      Reply
  • Abbi

    Hi Kevin,
    I finished 30 day no contact, text an upbeat message (the only method whereby I wasn’t blocked) and got a response. Chatted v. slowly across a day or so – recalling private jokes, teasing – some replies have been within minutes, some hours and not always that enthusiastic on his part. Then the texts got slower and slower - There only been like 10-15 exchanges. I feel worse now than before I contacted him, its been more than a day no response now – I didn't stop the conversation in time to leave it on a high I guess. Feeling like such an idiot and still blocked on everything else.
    What do you suggest?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Back off for a while again. I'd recommend two weeks. Then try again. If he is cold still, you should do NC for one month again. However, this time, you should seriously consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Natalie Kay

    "There’s a chance that it could be a rebound relationship. Like you said, he didn’t leave you for her. It just fueled his decision."

    Kevin,

    I know he'd still be with me if it wasn't for her. I'm doing crappy on the NC rule. I don't contact him much. I talked to him on the phone on Saturday, and today. He said that he thinks he was able to go so fast into a new relationship because he was starting to distance himself emotionally at the end...because I guess the long distance was "wearing his heart down". But the thing is, in THIS case. He really wants to try with this girl. He told me that. I even gave him solutions to the long distance problem. He still wants to talk to me, he has been answering his phone. He also said he doesn't think he should because he said he doesn't feel right about it because when we talk his feelings for me start to come back. I have been forcing myself to stay unemotional, and talk like how I was before he broke up with me. I told him that I signed up for a dating website and was trying to move on. When I talk to other guys, it's a good distraction and I can forget about all the pain. Which is probably the same for him. He has been hanging out with this girl alot. And I know he likes her. He had always told me I was his "soulmate". I asked him if he thinks this girl is his "soulmate", and he said "i don't know yet." I feel like if I disappear for a long amount of time he will be able to forget about me and move on to her completely. This is so shitty kevin. I know I've been bugging you alot with this...but it's really , really eating my mind!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Natalie,

      I don't think he will move on with her. Even though he feels like he wants to work it out with her, it's still a rebound. And chances of a rebound relationship working are always less. So, NC is still your best option as it will give you time to regain your composure and become a happy person, which will make it easier to attract him back.

      Reply
    • Natalie Kay

      Kevin,

      Should I still do NC if he also has been saying that one reason we shouldn't be talking is because he needs space so that he can finally see me as a friend and forget 'feelings'? I guess that's why I'm afraid to do NC...because I think that we will be severing our connection, and while doing that...he is spending all his time with this other girl and building up their connection/forgetting about me. I guess I'm just afraid that in 30-45 days I'll contact him, and he'll feel nothing for me anymore.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you keep contacting him, not only will he lose feelings for you, he will also respect you less because of your neediness. You have a better chance of attracting him back by doing no contact.

      Reply
  • jessica

    Hi Kevin my bf of two year broke up with me he said not to look for him and not to contact him to leave him alone he said he doesn't love me however he still has the same number and I emailed him and he emails me back...he hasn't got rid of my belongings at his house before we broke up we had intercourse and everything was fine I don't know maybe he cheated...what should I do kevin

    Reply
  • Charli

    I was with a guy for 8 months and attend school with him. We were doing great. He explained to me that his ex was very emotionally abusive and got crazy and tried to fight a lot but they were together for 10+years and had split 3-4yrs ago. At the end of month 8 he asked to take a break because there was a lot going on in his personal life and I politely gave him what was asked and then 3weeks later he said he was going to try to work it out with his ex mainly for the kids. Now we still each other daily and he attempts to speak to me and I catch him staring quite a bit. What do I do,I beg someone give me some input?,

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Charlie,

      If he wants to work things out with his ex, your chances are slim. You should try to move on. Ignore him at school and tell him that you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if he leaves you alone.

      Reply
  • Natalie Kay

    Hey Kevin,

    I've wrote to you before about my ex. I was doing NC....made it to day 8 and had a horrible relapse just now. I texted him once, then called him twice, then texted him one more time. He didn't answer. So I messed that up pretty bad. And now there is probably no hope at all. I just think it's cruel for him to do this, he broke up with me and doesn't say ANYTHING!! At this point I'm pretty certain it's over on his end or he would have replied in some manner. Maybe he blocked me so he didn't get my messages/ calls. I don't know. Either way, this is completely shitty and the feeling it has left me with is horrible.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Natalie,

      You should start no contact again. Increase no contact to 45 days. After 45 days, send him the letter mentioned in this article. If still he doesn't reply, send him the text mentioned in the article after a couple of weeks. If still no reply, then you can be sure that it's over.

      Reply
    • Natalie Kay

      Hey Kevin,

      What do you think could be his reasons behind not replying...is he pissed that I'm still messaging him? Is he using NC on me to get over me? Possibly another girl...ugh. I hate when my mind runs wild.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's hard to say. It could be any of the reasons you mentioned.

      Reply
    • Natalie Kay

      Hey Kevin,

      I just found out today that my ex had met another girl at his church a month before he broke up with me, and that fueled his decision to leave. Ouch. She's apparently funny and blahblahblah. Basically, it's easier because she lives where he does, and I'm 3+ hours away. They hang out alot. I just don't see how a guy can leave a girl he truly loves and hops into another relationship like what we had didn't even matter. Pretty shitty. Looks to me like the chances of us getting back together are pretty slim...what do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a chance that it could be a rebound relationship. Like you said, he didn't leave you for her. It just fueled his decision.

      Reply
  • red

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. Of course everyone is saying do not contact him and move on. However, our relationship has been great. He was overseas as a contractor for 4 months and the last month he was there, his company lost his contract and he had to come home and has not been able to find a job ever since. He admitted to be depressed about the job situation. We literally went every day talking and such and then to barely talking when he came home which caused me to send long drawn out emotional text messages and appear needy which I am not. He recently left to go to work in another for a bit and that's when he ended it. He has told me a few times he needs space but has always broken that space by taking me out and such. I'm not sure what to do and it's weird that I don't feel like this is a total loss. A huge part of me and I guess my intuition tells me this is just a break for him to get his life back together. I don't know and I don't want to make excuses.

    Reply
  • Hailee

    Hi Kevin,
    I was wondering during NC. I want to read his messages but it will say that I read the message. Should I read it or not read it because he would know if I read it or not?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can read it. As long as you don't reply. If you have to reply, you can send him a text telling him you need some space and time right now.

      Reply
  • Hailee

    Me and my ex broke up yesterday. We have been together for 6 months. He just wants to be friends in fact he wants to be BFFs. He told me that he was losing feelings for me a while ago but I thought he was joking but then, I relalized it was true after a while. He told me that I made him tired because I used to get mad really easily. He got tired of apologizing and making it up. It's both of our first time dating. Recently there has been a lot going around 2014. So I'm really stressed. I couldn't really focus on one thing. Since I started noticing that he was tired all of the worst things happened to me. My grandma got a coma and my mom and brother flew back to china to see her. I couldn't because I'm still in school. I got a dog my mom didn't like it so I had to give it to my friend. Now my mom says I can have it dog and i wanna get it back but, I gave it to my friend already. I'm losing everything in my life, he made me happy and he was the one there most of the time. I really don't want him as a friend. I would do anything to get him back. He told me he does love me but not as a lover, as like a cousin or friend. I really don't want to stop talking to him because Im scard if I stop talking to him, he might start forgetting about me. Also I'll see him a lot because I have a few days of school left before summer and I have tennis practice over the summer for 3-4 days in a week. Please help me. I really don't want to lose him in my life. I don't want him as a friend. I want him as my boyfriend or husband in the future.

    Reply
  • Carrie

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we first got together I wanted us to be open with each other and to know almost everything about each other. Well I told him about my past with when I was in my big party days with friends. I was only 18 and I'm 27 now. I told him my friend and i was once in a somewhat threesome but it wasn't a full sex threesome. I didn't even have sex with the guy or friend just kissed her and kissed him. Well my friend and i have been friends for almost 10 years but he doesn't like me hanging out with her because he doesn't trust me with her. He thinks I am going to do that again and cheat on him. We both have grown up over the years. Yes sometimes we still like to go out and have some drinks but it's nothing like when we were younger. We have grown up a lot. Well I'm going on vacation with her and we are not going to do anything wrong. Just enjoy the beach. All we do when we get together is laugh and enjoy being friends that's all and my boyfriend seems to think i will do card stuff and cheat. Well he wants to break up with me because I'm going on vacation with her. He said he has no idea what will happen and he is not going to be an idiot so he wants to end our relationship. I would never do that to him and it is sad that he is wanting to break up over something that hasn't even happened and won't happen. We live together and now he is barely speaking to me. I don't know what to do in this situation. We are stuck in a lease for a year. I can't stand that we are barely speaking. He doesn't even tell me he loves me or gives me a kiss or anything. It has been 4 days that its been like this. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Be calm, don't act needy. If he wants to breakup, tell him clearly how ridiculous you think it is, but agree with him. Then start no contact and let him realize on his own the mistake he made. He is being completely irrational about this.

      Reply
  • ml

    My BF broke up with me 2 wks ago. At first I cried and tried talking to him in person, on the phone & by text. He refused to talk to me. Im now trying to not have contact with him & give him space but he's making it hard. He'll text me random things in the middle of the night after he's been drinking (nothing mushy or about our relationship). Its very frustrating & confusing! What should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't reply. If he calls you, pick up the phone and tell him you need some time and space.

      Reply
    • ml

      Thank you Kevin. I've gotten to the point where I put my phone away so I don't hear it. But a couple of nights this week he's called in the middle of the night asking if he could stay at my place because he's too drunk to drive home. I did allow him to because I want him safe and don't want him to hurt anyone. Kevin, I can tell he has feelings for me still but is scared & unsure. We talked briefly today. He asked I could still see a future for us. I said, "yes". He replied with "right now I don't. Maybe I will again but not now." That hurt like heck but I stayed calm & quiet about it. After a few minutes all i said was "I don't like what you said"
      Should i continue/reinstate no contact? What do I do if he aaks to stay again because he's too drunk to drive? His drinking was the trigger to our problems to begin with.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Since it's an issue of safety.I'll have to say that you let him stay. But don't talk to him about anything personal while he is there and ask him to leave in the morning. You should continue no contact for another month.

      Reply
  • Katie

    Please help me, i dont know what to do. I was with my boyfriend two years and everything was perfect for a year, hardly no arguments he took me on holiday he treat me like a princess. All of a sudden he started being weird and shouting at me and loosing his temper if i did or said something wrong, silly things like that, then on his birthday he broke up with me because we argur too much but he was drunk and didnt mean it. But weeks later he broke up with me over the phone and said he doesnt want to be with me and wants to be single, and the break up lasted for a few days untill he contacted me and said he didnt mean it. He has done this to me now about ten times in the past 7 months each time the break up was longer i would say two times i was in the wrong but no reason to walk away :( i love him all the world. we broke up again 4 weeks ago because we had a fight he was treating me bad and i upset him by texting a guy. It was nothing serious just a cry for help :( i begged for 3 full weeks saying how sorry and i got rejected when all of a sudden after not talking tp him he said he wanted to see me, he said he forgave me even though he hasnt he holds grudges, and i was so happy untill he text me and said he doesnt want me to take anything seriously because he doesnt want a relationship with me :( i got upset and i pressured him the next time he seen me and we had an argument and since then he is saying leave him alone when i try to text him. I dont listen and i pester him because i just wanna talk and dont understand why he doesnt want to talk to me! he has now blocked me on EVERYTHING i have no way to get in touch with him :( im heartbroken will he ever even talk to me again? Is it too late? What do i do. Help me, he is my whole world

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's not too late. You have to start no contact and realize that he not your whole world. You have to realize that you can be happy in your life without him. I want you to think things through before getting back with him. Do you really want to spend your entire life walking on eggshells? When anything can make him angry and he would break up with you? Or do you want a stable, strong relationship? If you want the latter, you shouldn't get back with him. I don't think it's possible to have a strong and stable relationship with him unless he makes some drastic changes in himself. And as you might already know, it's impossible to change someone unless they really want to.

      Reply
  • Kay

    This guy and I met on twitter of all places and started to message each other, then text, then finally talk on the phone. This went on for several months as just friends until one day it just turned into more. We were both feeling a much deeper connection. We would text all day long while at work and then stay on the phone at night until the wee hours of the morning. He and I talked about a future together but we currently lived over 1300 miles apart.

    We were both moving within a few months of each other and would then only be 10 miles apart. I was his support system as a friend in the beginning while he went through a breakup from a short relationship with a girl he had been great friends with for years and she ended up screwing him over. Once things started to progress into having romantic feelings for each other, I couldn't wait to talk to him, see him , spend time with him, etc. He was excited about my son and wanted to be there to spend time with us.

    We were absolutely perfect in every way for each other. We has just enough in common but just enough differences to keep it interesting, conversation was great, chemistry was amazing, and we both looked forward to hearing from each other and missed each other when we were busy and couldn't talk. The bad part was, I had lied to him about something and knew I needed to come clean when I developed these feelings.

    I met him in person and came clean with everything. We still hung out and we were even intimate and things seemed to be doing okay but then he began to question my lie and if he could trust me ever again. I knew what I had done was awful and so unlike me and if I didn't admit it myself no one that knows me would believe I lied. He cut off all communication with me and blatantly told me he had no desire to hear from me again. 7 months passed with no contact and then I decided as a last ditch effort to reach out to him and if nothing else get everything off my chest. I emailed him and asked if we could talk.

    I told him if he has no desire to hear from me to simply reply back no and I would respect his wishes and he would never hear from me again. A week passed and then he called me and we talked for over an hour but all we talked about was how I lied and he was still angry about it and even though he had forgiven me, he was having trouble forgetting. I told him I knew that would be our last conversation so I was trying to put everything out in the open and get all my apologies out there so we could move on. He said he didn't think it would be the last time that we talked and that he hadn't dated anyone else but that he needed time before he could hang out with me as my friend. He said it could be a month or 6 months but in the meantime he didn't want contact from me.

    A couple questions, do you think he has any intentions of every contacting me again or he just said that and if he just said that why because I gave him an easy out when I said I knew it would be the last time we talked and he had no trouble telling me back last year that he had no desire to speak to me at the time. Second question is why did he get in touch with me if he was only going to tell me he isn't ready to talk and hang out, why not just respond no to the email and have me out of your life for good or not contact me until you are finally ready if you ever are? Do I have any chance of winning him back? I love him so much! I have never felt this connection with anyone before and I am in my mid thirties and well aware of how relationships work.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      The fact that he is angry means that he still has feelings for you. And that's why he called instead of just replying no to your email. I can't say if he'll call again or not. But I think he meant it and he has hope that some time in the future, you can get back together. He is not sure about it, but he wants to keep the option open. Perhaps, he doesn't want you to move on.

      Reply
    • Kay

      So, it has been a few months since we talked and there was no contact. I found out he has just started talking to another girl through a friend and panicked and reached out to him. I didn't mention the girl or anything, just brought up the fact that we had ran into each other several places and both of us act like we don't know the other one (very childish, I know) and how I wanted him to understand that with us living so close, it was inevitable for that to happen from time to time and I didn't want him to feel like it was anything planned on my part. He replied that he asked me months ago to give him time to consider us being friends again and hanging out but that I was reaching out to him again (this one time) and it proved to him that I couldn't do one small thing he asked and that we should not be anything. He said that was the last time he would text or email me and that if he saw me out and about he may or may not say hi! He also said he knew what kind of guy he was and he was okay with that and didn't need my validation of his character. I have never said anything negative about him and actually usually take up for him when everyone else says he is acting childish and dramatic about the whole ordeal but had posted some things on twitter about other people's character and wonder if he saw that and thought it was about him. Basically, he flat out told me I am done with you but I do know he decided that girl wasn't for him and has been spending a lot of time at home when not working instead of going out and having fun. I miss him so much and know deep in my heart we were perfect for each other and I truly believe he feels it too but he has so much pride. Do you think based on that last text that he is still angry with me and I should just live my life and maybe he will come around and not mean what he said or that it sounded indifferent and he is gone forever? There is truly nothing I can do at this point right? I can't text, call, email, etc without seeming needy and desperate and I also love him so much that I want to respect his wishes. Do I just try to move on or continue to try? It has been a year and it hurts just as much today if not more than it did when it happened. I have been out on dates but no one compares.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kay,

      To be honest, I think you your chances are less. Even though it seems like he still has some feelings from you, I don't think it's worth trying. Even if you want to pursue him more, you should do NC for at least 2-3 months.

      Reply
    • Kay

      I am having the hardest time letting go of my feelings for him or letting them subside. They haven't changed at all in a year. I still love him just like I did the first day it hit me. I am not reaching out to him ever again because he basically said that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I respect him and his wishes enough to listen to what he is saying. The problem is I have no idea how to move on. Like I said I have been on multiple dates and I just can't even let myself open up to these other guys because he has my heart. How do I get it back? I know the only way we will ever talk again is if he initiates it and by the sounds of it, that isn't going to ever happen so I am just left completely empty. I am just a nervous wreck everyday waiting for him to find and start dating someone and knowing I have to see that. We have tickets to the same sporting events and I am afraid that I will have to sit there and try to enjoy a game while he is there with another female and that will be impossible for me to enjoy. If he seems to still have feelings for me and we were so good together, why does he continue to distance himself? I also need to add, I have NEVER in my entire life been like this about a man before. I have always been able to be the one to end it or walk away when it was ended and say, "oh well, your loss." Why am I not able to with this one?

      Reply
  • Natalie

    Hey Kevin,

    I will try to make this short as possible. I think my last post was so long so it didn't show up. But I believe my case is a bit different because it involves God. Like everyone else my heart is broken. I've been with my ex for the last 8ish -9 months, he's 26 and I'm 27. It was a long distance relationship, so we didn't get to see eachother very much but we talked on skype everyday. Anywhere from 3-6 hours per day during the past 6 months. I've never felt this way about a guy, we clicked in every way imaginable from the beginning. I without a doubt believed he was my soul mate...if such a thing exists. An he felt the same way. He even mentioned going on a random road trip to get (put on his health insurance) and talked about how he wants to live life with me, and move in together, etc. It was just a very loving, caring relationship. We never said anything bad about eachother and we could make eachother laugh. His big problem is the long distance, I suppose. His last gf of over a year and him ended up breaking up because of it. Although he did say that they would've ended up breaking up regardless because she wasn't right for him. Over the last 5 months he's broken up with me about 4 times. But each time he got really emotional and cried. And I eventually talked him back because he said he can't see his life and future without me. He said he never cried with the last girl. He said he loved and cared about me more than he ever has anyone, and that we connect more than he ever has with anyone. Long story short. Things were perfect until about 2 weeks ago. He told me he loved me on sunday morning through text...then I didn't hear from him for a day. I bombarded him with messages. And then I got a message saying he just can't do it anymore. That he thinks the distance has just worn his heart down. I told him I could even move up to him, and to not give up on us....but he wouldn't have it. However, I did talk him into wanting a break to think about his decision...bcause it was so out of the blue. Unfortunately, i sucked at giving him space. I called him that night and started crying and told him I couldn't do it. I told him I was going to delete him off of everyhting. I told him I loved him, then hung up. He got scared and started crying and begged me to answer on skype...I finally did. He said he was being an idiot and he thinks he just convinced himself that he doesn't need any other person to be happy (He is a firm believer in God....as am I). Things were good (I thought) until the next day. He was being distant again. I asked if he was having second thoughts....and he ended up saying he DID need the break to think about things afterall. Unfortunately, I did everything I wasn't supposed to do. Beg (alot), cry (alot), text him (alot) over the time I was supposed to be giving him his break. He didn't reply to me all weekend and it just made me freak out and text and call him more. He finally picked up monday morning and had made up his decision that he was breaking up with me...for good. It was different this time in he was extremely cold and emotionless. He said he had been praying about it all weekend and he feels like this is right, and what God wants him to do. He said it's for the best, and we will find love again. There will be someone else out there for us. I asked him how he knows that God just doesn't want us to be together right now....and he does down the line in the future....and he said "Because he's already healing my heart". That's when I accepted I wouldn't be able to change his mind. He started getting mad because I wanted to stay and talk, and he had to go. He says he wants to stay in contact and he still wants to know how I am from time to time....he just needs space to get over me. We hung up. I then emailed him right after saying that "I accepted the break up. But God doesn't tell people to break up with someone out of the blue, I deserve to know the real reason." I haven't heard back from him. Before I thought it was the long distance and that we couldn't see eachother much. But when I offered to move up there, he still wanted to break up. So I have no idea why. My questions are: Is there any chance that because I was messaging him every single day during his break, that he didn't have a chance to miss me and that affected his decision to leave? Do you think if I apply NC (I have been for 2 days now) he will eventually miss me and come back? If he believes God truly is blessing his decision and "healing his heart"....the chances for me look pretty slim. Also, I feel like he won't miss me because he's always busy so I assume his mind will always be preoccupied with other thoughts. It's just sad, because we got along ridiculously well and we loved eachother deeply. We only would have truly been long distance for the next 1.5 years until he got out of school. And now there's nothing. This hurts...bad. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground. Help Kevin!!!

    Reply
  • Natalie Kay

    Hey Kevin,

    I think my story might be a LITTLE different from everyone else in that it involves God. I mostly just need to get this off of my chest and vent. It's driving me crazy, and my heart (like everyone else) is completely shattered. I dated this guy for 8 months. It's long distance, so we didn't get to see eachother very often. However, we spoke every night on Skype, I'd say a minimum of 3 hours a day. He has issues with long distance. His last GF didn't work out mostly because they were long distance, but he always told me that they wouldn't have worked out anyway. He had been with her for 1.5 years. He has also told me before that his feelings for me are crazy, and that he's never loved anyone or connected with anyone as much as he has me. I basically felt like it was a soul mate kind of relationship. In fact, I knew that it was. I'm 28, and out of all the dudes I've dated, there's never been a connection like this. He felt the same way. When we met, we both said that it feels like we've known eachother forever and that we were in some sort of time warp. We even went as far as talking about going on a road trip to get hitched. He called it, "getting put on his health insurance". He is the one who initiated that talk. And we always, always talked like this was it and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together facing the ups and downs of life and traveling together, etc.. He just had to finish up school (he has 1.5 years left) and then we could be together.

    He has broken up with me before, i'd say about 4 times. But each time it only lasted for a few hours- a day at the most. I'd cry, Because heck I was sad and it's hard not to....but he did also. He cried a lot. And he'd always come back and promise me it would be different. Alas, his insecurities of "long distance will never work" would always creep back.

    This past breakup is a lot different. It was really strange how it happened. We were getting along great. I was being amazingly patient. We have never had bad arguments. This relationship is good. Kind, nurturing, we've never said a bad word about eachother. We made eachother laugh, and just connected. It just worked. Last Saturday night we talked. He told me that we do a great service to eachother by being there for eachother to vent the problems of our day. We then fell asleep on skype together like we normally did. Sunday came and when I got home from church I had a message from him that said "Hey, I love you". I replied with an "I love you" and after that....he said nothing. All day he was MIA. Then he didn't show up at night to talk. I started messaging him a lot. Usually when he decides he wants to breakup, he will disappear for a couple days and mope and think about it. Then last Monday after calling him alot, I finally received a message saying he can't do it anymore. That long distance was too much. I told him that I'd be willing to move up next to him if it was that big of a problem. I did every single thing you said not to do. I cried. Begged. Made a fool of myself. I talked him into thinking about it. So he said he was gonna take a break for a week. But instead of giving him space during his week, I bombarded him with phone calls and messages. In the beginning of the week (last tuesday), he was receptive. He answered me one night and I told him that I couldn't do it. That it hurts too bad and that I'm cutting all contact forever. He started to cry and say "Just give me a few days". And I'd say, "I don't want you to need a few days to figure out if you want to be with me." I cried, told him I loved him. Then hung up. He thought I was gone forever. He called me/texted/tried to contact me on skype for the next 10 minutes. I finally gave in and answered. He begged me not to leave. After an hour long talk, I told him I wouldn't. Things were good ( I thought ) and we fell asleep on skype together.

    THEN BAM!!! The very next day I could tell he was having second thoughts. He tried to end it completely when I called him, but said he needed a break to figure things out. But he talked like it was completely over. Saying things like, "I'm not the end all....there will be others". Again, during his break, I did the opposite of what I should've done. I called tons of times. I left messages on his answering machine. I texted. and texted. AND TEXTED. This time, he wouldn't answer. No matter what. This made me crazy....I'm ashamed of how crazy and it just made me want to text him more. So I did. And he never truly had space away from me. Monday came, (yesterday) and I just couldn't take not knowing what was going on. So I called him. He answered on the second call. This time, he seemed so cold. Like detached and despondent. He had made his decision.

    He is a religious guy. He said that he has never been closer to God than he is now, and he said he's been praying and feels like he is making the right decision. He says he knows because he's at peace. He says that there will be someone else in the future who will make us happier than we were with eachother. I asked him how he knew that God didn't just not want us together RIGHT NOW...and maybe he has plans for us to be together in the future. And he said..."Because, he is already starting to heal my heart".

    I just want to say. I'm a religious person too. I believe in God. I've prayed to him and I feel the exact opposite. He just seemed like his mind can't be changed. Maybe it was because he never had a chance in the last 4 days to miss me. He had heard from me every single day during his break, regardless of the fact that he never talked to me. I guess I just went temporarily insane and thought if he didn't hear from me, that he'd forget me and move on. It has been a day since I've talked to him. I sent him a final email saying, "You saying God wants you to break up with me is a cop out...I deserve to know the real reason....". He never replied. But I didn't talk to him since that. I'm applying no contact.

    Is there any chance that despite feeling like God is blessing his decision to leave me, that somehow there is a way that he'll miss me when I don't talk to him, and try to come back? If he has it in his mind to move on, isn't that what he will do when I don't talk to him? He said when we were breaking up that he still wants to know how I'm doing from time to time. He just needs space to "heal" and get over me. Ugh. If it's in his mind that we won't be together, I'm not sure if his mind will change. And that sucks!!! Any comments would be awesome, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground/stomped on. I guess it's just extra crap to know that while I feel miserable, he feels like "God is already healing his heart" and he sees a future without me. He thinks God is blessing this decision, and I'm just like....geez. I wish I could feel numb and like my heart is being healed like he does. Do you have any input? I'd appreciate it Kevin. Reading everyone's stories also helps me take my mind off this heartbreak.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, there's a chance he will still miss you. Of course, there's no guarantee. If you don't show any signs of neediness, he might change his mind about you and perhaps he will see that as a sign from God as well. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Natalie Kay

      Kevin, gahhh. It's only been 3 days since the official break up (and of NC) and I'm having a hard time not contacting him. I had signed out of everything on my computer so I wouldn't think about it, but just a bit ago decided to sign into yahoo (where we used to talk alot) and when I saw I had no messages from him, I can't stop thinking oh crap. He is sticking to his decision, and will never change his mind. Otherwise...he would've contacted me by now. The last time we broke up he had told me that if I let him go, he would've been crawling back within 2 days anyway. This just seems very permanent. And I have a secret worry that by continuing the NC, he will get used to not talking to me and realize he is perfectly fine without me, and that God is "blessing" his decision. Before this we talked EVERYDAY!! Oh and it's also not helpful that I found this: http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/4-reasons-to-contact-your-ex-today/ ....is that theory a bunch of crap? I think I really just need someone to slap some sense into me, and inject my heart with a buttload of morphine.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Natalie,

      It's OK if he gets used to not talking to you (I'm not saying he will though). And it's important that you get used to not having him in your life. Your relationship is over. And you should get used to not talking to each other. If you two do get back together, it'll be a new relationship.

      And I agree with that article. Communication is important. But the fact is, you are probably not in a state of mind where you can communicate with him in a way that will resolve the issues and make him attracted to you enough. The article assumes that once you close lines of communications, it'll never open again. You'll open the lines of communication again. With more confidence and the ability to resolve any conflicts without getting into explosive arguments. And if he contacts you during no contact, you can just tell him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup. This will let him know that you are not stopping communication forever.

      Reply
    • Natalie Kay

      I totally agree with you Kevin. If he messaged me now and I replied, I'd be a clingy mess. A month is definitely necessary. Each day is still so hard, but I've made it to 5 days NC, and I'm kinda proud. It's hard not to think about him, and the thought of him just being completely OK with this breakup while I'm miserable sucks so bad. I have another question for you that has kind of been running through my mind. Does it change things if when he was breaking up with me he told me that I should see other people if it would help me move on (when he had always been kinda a jealous guy before that) AND when I said something about his voice he said "No, you need to forget my voice"... I know for a fact that he pictured us being together for the rest of our lives before all of this crap. Do you THINK him saying that stuff means he really wants me to move on and there is no hope for us? I know it's impossible to say for sure, but it seems like the more I think about it, the less chance I think we have of getting back together. Do you remember of any cases where someone told you that their ex said that they should see other people if it helps them move on? There's also the other thought I have of maybe he met some girl up there while we were going out, and decided it was easier since she was there. And now this breakup is easier for him because he has someone else to take his mind off of me. Ugh, I freaking hate my mind right now!!! Sometimes I think I'm doing good, but then BAM I'll think about it again. But typing here helps a little, even if temporarily...

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      People say a lot of things they don't mean during a breakup. Yes, I've come across such cases where they got back together after saying something like this. And yes, you are right, it'll be easier for him to deal with the breakup if he has another girl. But he will not be able to get over you. Rebound relationships do provide comfort, but they don't really help in getting over your ex. So in a way, you will have the advantage because you would've gone through the grief, the obsessiveness, and all the other phases of the breakup while he would still be confused, hurt, and maybe even miserable because he never had time to grieve the breakup.

      Reply
  • Kiera

    This article is EXACTLY how my breakup went: detail by detail. And yes, I suffered every single day and cried like I never have before. Let's just say, a week ago I finally got a sincere apology from my ex and his confession that he misses me and my smile. Finally. 7 months later.

    Reply
  • kristen

    is it too late for me to try the 30 days NC?

    Reply
  • Kristen

    hi kevin how come i dont see my post?

    Reply
  • kristen

    hi kevin,

    i know mine is a bit weird but i really need some advice.
    ive dated this guy for like 5months.for 3 months was ok but suddenly he decided to stop dating me and he said we didnt have that much in common and he said we can just be friends,i agreed to that but i was so hurt cos i still like him then we went to a trip together and i asked him if we can dAte again and he said yes he'll give it a shot again but the problem is i became so clingy and needy.then after a couple of months of dating again he just suddenly lose his interest again and i found hes dating another girl and he said he really likes her.what will i do??i still want him back.we are still friends though.thanks

    Reply
  • BEY

    Hey Kevin, My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the second time. In the beginning he was head over heels for me but slowly turned cold. Each time he broke up with me I always begged him back. this time i havent done so. I am in love with this guy. First time we ended things because his ex thought she was pregnant so we stopped all communications. Turns out the baby wasn't his. We got back together but he was hesitant of becoming exclusive but eventually we did. He broke up with me two weeks after that but got back together shortly. This time he has broken up with me because he believes that i was flirting with his friend who i have known for the same amount of time i have known my ex. He also said that he was going through a lot of shit and me flirting with his friend was not okay. He called it quits even after I told him that I wasn't and told him everything we talked about. I'm devastated

    Reply
  • Confused

    Good Morning,
    I have a friend that I dated for 6 months and during that time we went through several emotional issues (expressing that he loved me and how important it was for me to stay in his life). At the end of Jan. and at the age of 35 he moved in with his parents 4/5 hours away to get his life together and pay off debt. His plan prior to leaving was to get debt paid off and a cushion so that he could return and attend college. Shortly after he moved I had found him on a dating site that he swore he would never get back on and had it up prior to moving.

    We resolved that issue and remained friends, continued to talk every day through text etc. up until about 2 months ago. He then sent a text 3 weeks ago stating "Haven't forgotten about, just been super busy. Hope you're well" My response in return was: "Never crossed my mind that you had. I am doing well. Hope the same for you!!" At this time I thought things were just fine. He being busy with work and life in general. 10 days later I sent a text being flirty/sexual and his response in return was "who is this?" I kind of lost it and sent 3 too many text and he never responded. A week later he deleted me on FB and I just went into breakdown mode and haven't been able to function.

    Mind you prior to the text/FB delete I was great and happy go lucky. I know to a fault that I read entirely too much into things and am one in trying to fix everything. I did send him a follow up text asking for some sort of closure and still not response. I now have left him be and that has been a week. I am just confused as to what I said for him to delete my number and possibly erase me from his life? Is he trying to play games with me? Could he be seeing someone? I don't understand, I am confused and now feel this need to be in constant contact with him whereas before I didn't. It really is driving me crazy, literally. So possibly some insight would be helpful....

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I don't think you did anything that made him act the way he did. It's probably something that he would have done no matter what you did. I think you should apply no contact for at least 2-3 months before getting back in touch with him.

      Reply
  • Melody Copeland

    Hello Kevin,
    So me and my boyfriend have been dating for around a year, and he said that he just wanted a break and that he is very stressed right now. So I am trying to give him his space. However, I made a mistake and texted him a few days afterwards and he said that it is over and that he is moving on.. And I am crushed. Although, my friend tried to talk to him and he said that he really doesn't want a relationship right now and that he wasn't sure if this was a permanent thing or if it was just temporary. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. You see our relationship was starting to head south at the end of our relationship, and it was apparent that he was very stressed out because of school, exams, and pressure from his parents. I have no clue what I am supposed to do. I just want to fix and revive our relationship, I realize that he still has feelings for me but I am terrified that he is going to just give up and move on completely. I see him around a lot, although we don't really talk. And this is all breaking my heart.. Do I have a chance? Is there any hope? Do you think that he doesn't want a relationship because of the stress? I honestly have no idea. I have already initiated no contact. I am just really scared that he is going to move on for good. I love him with all my heart and soul. Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You do have a chance.

      Reply
    • Melody

      What do I say? He is now talking to me.. He is not sure if this is a permanent or temporary thing. How do I convince him to make this temporary? I am so terrified that he is going to move on.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Let it be his idea to break up with the other girl. All you need to do is be confident and don't show any signs of neediness.

      Reply
    • Melody

      Well, he hasn't actually dated anyone else yet. And he avoids me at all costs. At first he said we can get back together and in the mean time we'll just be friends. And one of his kind of close friends said that he really didn't want to do this that his grades were just slipping. If he doesn't want a relationship right now, does that mean that he doesn't want a relationship all of school?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I can't say for sure, but it seems like he is not over you and he certainly doesn't want to lose you forever. I think if you just be confident and follow the advice in the 5 step plan, you'll have a good chance.

      Reply
    • Melody

      I am just scared. He texted me the other day and he said that he didn't think that we are going to get back together and we haven't talked at all after the break up. All he has done since then is, today, I was sitting down and I had my head down and he walked up to me and he gently touched my hand and he just kind of looked at me. It was rather strange (but it was super sweet). Is this a good sign? Does him saying that we wont get back together mean that I have no chance? It sounds like he wants this to be permanent.. I am so scared.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It doesn't mean you have no chance. A lot of people say this after a breakup and then take it back.

      Reply
    • Melody

      THANK YOU! :) I am just going to focus on myself for right now and give him the time and space he needs. :)

      Reply
  • Ali

    He kicked me out because I wouldn't have an abortion with his baby and now he won't talk to me at all. I was somewhat needy and text him about 6 times no response so should I just not contact anymore?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should accept he is a jerk and not contact him anymore. Apply no contact and realize that you and your baby are better off without him in your life.

      Reply
  • A13

    I had a long distance relationship, and at first my boyfriend broke up with me. I accepted that, altough it was very hard for me.. A month after the first break-up, we saw each other in our hometown and we got back together. He told me that he regretted breaking up with me, that he missed me,loved me, and I missed him too really, but a few days later I had to leave back to college and that meant not seeing him again. After a month I then broke up with him. A few days later, I realized I made a mistake but he said that I'm indecisive, I can't keep playing with it and we didn't get back together. Around those days he started putting some songs on facebook, statuses alluring that he has someone else, like he already fell in love, but I felt like he didn't, that it was just a game.. After a while I deleted him accidentaly off from facebook, I added him and apologized, but he didn't believe that it was by the mistake and told me, like he was angry,''How can you delete someone accidentaly?'' He then accepted my friend request, but we didn't talk anymore. I saw something on his profile then, got me pissed and I deleted him, him and all of his friends then. I didn't see him since that time we got back together until last night, and I don't know if he had seen me, but he didn't say hi. I felt like he was ignoring me. I don't know what to think, I know I made some bad decisions, but I think that he is pissed now and I don't know what to do.

    Reply
  • Bella

    Kevin, I have been with my man 2 1/2 years, we were first friends (sort of, i always was into him so it never felt like just friends) and we ended up falling in love and getting together. lately he's been under a lot of pressure from a lot of outer sources and has said before sometimes he doesn't feel like he can balance our relationship AND everything else in his life without it killing him from stress, so i have tried to give him space and now he broke up with me 6 days ago and is saying he still loves me BUT he doesnt want a relationship right now and if he does date it will be me, and he wants to be "friends" to which i already told him no i cant be friends because i cant be strung along, and he was my first (EVERYTHING! kiss, love, lovER, everything) so that thinking we can just be friends while im still in love is just not possible. idk what to do, is there any hope?

    Reply
  • Mel

    My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 5 days now. I miss him a lot and (oops) told him so. He said don't make it awkward for him and we aren't together and it's not about who misses who!! He works out of state and will be home in 2 weeks and will be moving out. What do I do??? I miss him and I don't want to break up. He hasn't changed his status on FB yet either and there is no one else. His mom says I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and he's a fool if he does leave - but I'm afraid he actually will.
    How do I get him to want to stay?
    We broke up b/c I didn't respect his space- over texted him, was insecure b/c he works out of town - basically everything a girlfriend shouldn't do I did and I'm really embarrassed by my behavior. I've apologized to him and he said that's fine but the breakup stands... :( HELP!

    Reply
  • Lisa

    Hi Kevin. I have dated my ex for 3 years. We never argue. He proposed after 1 year of dating. We were engaged for 5 months and I got cold feet. He has teenagers and I could not marry him with the problems he was having with the kids. We decided we only wanted each other and to stay together until they were in College and then be married. Three weeks ago I got sick. He sent me selfie s at 12:30 while I was sick. When I ask him to wait until waking hours he got pissed. He pouted and did not call to check on me. When I said something about it he sent a text he was fed up and wanted a break and for me to leave him alone. I sent a text that I was as tired of him and.to forget my name. I was just mad and hurt. I have gone to talk to him. He would not stop working long enough to talk to me. I have tried three times to call him. He will not respond. Should I just give up and move on?

    Reply
  • Heather

    Hey Kevin , me and my ex have been broken up for 2 weeks and I'm heartbroken we had been together 2 years. He said he wanted to be friends because he doesn't treat me right. We hung out today and ended up having sex I'm really confused and don't know what to do. Any advice?

    Reply
  • M

    Hey Kevin,

    I hope you are well. I could really do with some advice. I was with my boyfriend for 5.5 years, in this time we were madly in love with eachother, we brought a house together & everything was fine until about 4 months ago i would say! We began not taking, bring distant, we had lots of money worries & i totally suffocated him by telling him he shouldn't go out with his friends he should save money & on too of this he is very unhappy in his company hes been with them 11 years & still waiting for a promotion they turned him down 3 times already at three different interviews within the company! As well as all this i was very unhappy in my job to the point ide cry at breakfast from frustration, i let go of myself & the person he fell in love with, i nagged him a lot & made him feel bad for having fun! I stopped trying to be attractive & we were no longer intimate! Everything blew up in our faces a month ago & literally over night he decided he no longer feels the same about me & he doesnt want this or any relationship at the moment & wants to be alone! He told my mum that there is zero hope for us he doesnt want this no way no how despite the fact that i found out that 2 months ago he asked my mum for my hand in marriage! He became very angry & bitter we both cried a lot it was an awful emotional time! Then i went into stupid phase recently begging him to give us a chance while he says theres no hope & he doesnt love me the same way as before! We own a house together & hes already called someone to come talk to us about our options & either selling or getting one of our names off! Im my heart im praying to God he sees sense because he is truly the man i wanted to have a future & partnership with. While ide love to do the 30 day NC rule i dont know how since we love together & there is no space at my mums plus im still paying the mortgage & bills however if u think from what i have written that there maybe hope for us & u think the 30 day rule plus all the things after that may help if he begins to fall in love with me again then ill find a way to deal with it for a month & stay away!

    I would really appreciate your advice as ive read a lot recently & your piece has been the most hopeful for me so far.

    Thank you so much
    M

    Reply
  • R

    What if he doesn't answer the text after the no contact?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Then you should wait a week or two and text him again. If there is still nothing, then you should seriously consider moving on.

      Reply
  • R

    Do you get an email notice when your comment is answered?

    Reply
  • Kate

    Hi Kevin,
    I've been in a long distance relationship a bit more than a year. Everything were great and my ex treated me well. We see each other at least once a month. One day I missed him a lot and I threw a little tantrum saying things are getting tough whenever I miss you. Next day he decided to break up with me. I made a mistake by constantly texting and calling him. He said he still love me but can't be with me. He said the more we love each other, we would miss each other more and he don't want a girlfriend who lives 100s of miles away. I offer to relocate but he said I wouldn't enjoy the lifestyle there and I don't have much there. It seems like when things get serious; he don't want to commit. But previously he told me he might want to work abroad and said he could live with him. I took a flight to see him without telling him, he opened the door for me then kept saying we can't be together. He was crying but still being stubborn. After a while I got emotional and angry. The next day he wanted me out of the flat and wanted me to get in the car but I refused. He was chasing after me and said he still care about me. I was too angry at the time and I wanted time alone as I know he just don't want me to stay in his flat. Eventually he stopped chasing me then although he said he would speak to me, he didn't and we haven't spoke to each other for two weeks. And I still love him a lot...I try so hard to distract myself but deep down I still want him.

    Reply
  • Beth

    I'm pregnant, 26. I broke up with him after bombarding him with texts being needy and jealous. It was rash. I apologized, tried to say where I was coming from, regret. Emails, desperate phone calls. I acted crazy even before I broke up with him. Jealousy and neediness but I swear it was from the preg. hormones. He told me he needs to figure his life out, baby is bad timing and only has time for work. He's 36, divorced 7 yrs ago with a 9 yr old child.
    I feel guilty. Wanted to show him I'm there for him and sorry but only pushed him away. He kept texting casual convo which made me mad because I thought he felt bad for me and would move on and him not wanting to be with me made me feel like a doormat. I called and accused him of being into another girl, told him not to talk to me until he figured his life out.
    Then, I texted that night and basically told him how to get me back. Next morning, text to say gmorning and he did not respond to either. I have him on fb.
    Should I delete everything?
    Do I have a chance? Should I wait longer than 30 days? Should I make contact again before no contact period so he wonders where I went?
    We were only together 4 months, he told me he loved me. Been broken up for 3 weeks. I want him back because we can work this all out and raise the baby together. Thx!! I love the support.

    Reply
  • Justin

    Hi Kevin,
    I am on the NC right now after I broke up with my girlfriend, but her birthday is coming up, should I send her a birthday wish text message or not at all? What should I say in the text if so?
    Thanks

    Reply
  • tooba

    we were in a relationship since last 4 mnths he proposed me for marriage I said yes n we were so happy but out of no way he started ignoring me he used rep to my each txt after so much time even of he is online too....he never talk to me by himself only I was the one who txt him first and ask all about him, it was his brother wedding 2 week ago he was so busy n use to ignore me n even he didnt come online,he asked hos mother about our maariage last week n she said no he tried convincing her just once n he said me now we cnt get married ever forget me n move on
    last night we had a break up n he said me to move on even i used to txt him more than 100 times a day n begged him not to leave me I cut my nerve n send him the pic but he was like sorry I cant do anything bye
    now tell me wht should I do? I really love him n want him back,but after his mom said no he said of a breakup but even before that he was ignoring me since last mnth

    Reply
  • Mikayla

    My ex fiancê and I were together for 2.5 years. We are expecting a little girl in the next month. He broke up with me two weeks ago. We got in a fight and I decided to leave for a few days. Before leaving I walked over to him and kissed his cheek and he put his arm on my waist. The next day I tried texting him but he ignored me. I told him I would be home that night after having an emotional breakdown but ended up falling asleep on my friend's couch. The next morning I woke up to a text asking where I was but I ignored it. Later on he called me and I ignored that too. He texted me a few minutes later asking for me to at least let him know I was okay. So I did. I told him I was fine and I am just trying to give him space and he broke up with me. Shortly after I went home and waited because he said we would talk about it later. When he got home he talked saying that I could live in the apartment and he would stay elsewhere. He said I just kept bringing him down with me when I was upset and that he couldn't take it anymore. Though hurt I just said okay. He left to go spend time with family and when he came back we got in a fight and I ended up calling my parents saying I couldn't be there anymore. My parents live 10 hours away. He seemed upset but didn't say anything. The next day I told him I would stay if we could work on us and he agreed. Then later he told me he would be too busy to see me or our daughter. I got really confused on what to do. Finally I said I was gonna move and he became quiet. He would try to convince me to stay but say he would have no time for us. On the way home he began to cry, which he never does, and I tried to get him to talk to me. We sat in the car and he told me he didn't want to be distanced from his daughter and cried more. I then told him he cant force himself to have feelings for me that aren't there and he began to cry more. He said he needed to leave so I hugged him and kissed his cheek again then went inside. That night his mom came to get him to try to take his mind off of things and she ended up telling me I was being selfish. I responded by saying I needed to leave to get help for my depression that made him feel like I brought him down with me. We hugged again and he left. The next day my parents came to get me and that night he texted me saying he hopes I made it safely. I didn't respond again until the next evening and he got upset because I didn't reply to him earlier. The first few days I texted him saying I missed him and that I loved him but he would ignore my texts. He called saying there is no chance of us getting back together but we can be friends and see where it goes from there. I also noticed he was talking to his ex who from what he told me didn't make him happy. I agreed and texted him less. A week after he broke up with me I texted him an update of the baby and that I did indeed tell the doctor that I have been depressed for years and I had gotten anti depressents. He said Thats great to the baby update and Thats good to me getting help and somehow it got brought up about us getting back together and he said he would never have feelings for me again. We didn't text for two days then he texted me asking a question about something and I asked him about his family who has been ill and how he was doing. His response was just the word alright and he said he was tired so I said okay and to text me later. The next day I texted him telling him about my ill uncle and he didn't reply. That was a couple days ago. He keeps telling me one thing then tells me another and Im confused and I feel like he is too. I'm refraining from texting him unless he texts me or I have a baby update. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should not respond to him unless it's regarding the baby. He needs some time and space. Follow the 5 step plan. I hope he comes back before the delivery but you should prepare yourself for the worst. There is a chance that he might never come back.

      Reply
  • Zolanski

    hey kevin,i have been dating my boyfriend for 4months and before he broke up with me we were going through somethings[mainly insecurities] the day he broke up with me his childhood friend had comeover to stay for week.i told him i wasnt comfortable with her staying over for that long and said that shes just a friend.we argued when i left his house and hes never talked to me since that day.it has been 4months now and he still hasnt talked to me,but i really love him and i want him back in my life.
    what could have been the problem and how can i get him back,since hes not even talking to me

    Reply
  • Nicola

    So... How does this work when there HAS been contact between you and your ex (sporadic & mainly by text message) & all of a sudden, in reply to one of your texts, you're told that the new gf is uncomfortable with the friendship, due to something she learnt about your ex's past, but would be ok if the two of you were acquainted, which would need to happen before or the next time you caught up, in order for you and your ex to remain in contact... Advice please.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's hard. He wouldn't do something like that unless he was serious about his new girlfriend. If you want, you can become acquainted with her, but I think it'll be better for you to just contact with him and move on.

      Reply
  • Kaylee

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. I am a freshman in college and he is a junior in high school. We had been together for a year before he ended it. He accused me of cheating (which I never would do) and ended it. Two days later he was already with another girl. I am hoping it is just a rebound. His new girl got mad at him because he was talking to me and he got really mad at me then and said that we will never get back together. Before that he said he wants to try again in the future. I am very confused about everything because he kept contradicting himself. I am currently trying the no contact rule. I was just wondering if you had any other advice to make him want me again even though he has his new girl. Thanks Kevin.

    Reply
  • anonumus

    Hey me and my ex were together for almost 8 months and we were texting and during that time i was working and i asked him why'd he like going to the low and 5 hours later didnt text me back so the next day i found out by 2 girls that dont like me that he was with a girl in the park and that girl happend to be his friend and i told him about it and hes was like yeah i was at the park but u shouldnt even care cuz u talk to ur ex and other foos

    Reply
    • anonumus

      Why did he act that way with me ?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's hard to say why he did it. My best guess is he is having second thoughts about the relationship and he just wants to explore his options. I'll recommend you don't act needy in any way and back off a little bit.

      Reply
  • moi

    I acted needy. He said we were fighting too much. He said he thought it best if we became friends before we hated each other. Every other breakup was fierce passionate anger. This time he was cold and distant. I may have said something that really hurt his pride (i mentioned a midlife crisis). I am so scared this time.... he seemed indifferent. He usually has a short grudge process with me ( we are extraordinarily sexually intune) so he always finds his way back. And I to him. We have forgiven each other everything to be with eachother again. Now I am afraid. So afraid he is not ever coming back. I texted a couple times the next day but he never answered and I promised I would never text again. And I wont I am good with it. What do I do now? I usually hear from him after two weeks. I am not there yet it has only been a week....but if three go by and nothing I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. I got a new hairdo... I hit the gym always..I am hanging with friends. I just keep worrying. :( what do I do now?? just wait? and for how long? i do not think 30 days is enough if he does not call me in that time. thanks.

    Reply

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