Your ex will tell you a lot of things after the breakup, but you can’t really believe everything they say. Heck, you can’t even trust their action. Overanalyzing your ex’s behavior will drive you crazy. And in reality, analyzing their behavior is not going to help you get your ex back or move on.

For example,

They will like your status on Facebook and then Unfriend you.

They will text you when they are drunk but won’t pick up your calls the next day.

They will be sitting at your favorite coffee shop but won’t come and say hi to you.

They will start dating someone else but will get angry when they find out you started dating someone else.

The truth is your ex is hurt and probably confused about their feelings for you. Luckily, there are a few signs that will tell you whether or not your ex still loves you. But first let me make it clear that these signs do not mean that your ex wants to get back together. In fact, since you and your ex were in a meaningful relationship, I am sure that they still like you (or maybe even love you) and they still have strong feelings for you. But this does not mean that they want to get back together. If they want to get back together, they will show completely different signs (Read: 5 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back).

Even though these signs don’t mean they want to get back together, there are still something you can do when you see these signs that will increase your chances of getting back together. You can find it in the “What you should do?” section under each sign.

Sneaky Sign No. 1: Emotions

Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. If an ex shows any type of negative emotions for you (including anger and hatred), it’s because they are hurt. It’s because they had expectations that you didn’t meet. It’s because they are an emotional mess because of you.

Just because someone says they hate you, doesn't really mean they don't love you.

Just because someone says they hate you, doesn’t really mean they don’t love you.

But the truth is, they are only hurt because they love you. You broke their expectations because they have expectations from you. And the reason they are an emotional mess is because they still have feelings for you.

Think about it, why would someone spend so much time and energy into hating you or being angry at you? They broke up with you. Wouldn’t it be easier to just forget about you and move on? The reason they say they have these negative emotions you is because they still have feelings for you. They just don’t want those feelings to be there, so they are confusing those feelings to be hatred or anger.

What You Should Do?

Give them time and space. Just stop contact with them and let all the negative emotions subside. There is literally nothing you can say to them that will turn their negative emotions into positive ones. But if you say nothing to them, time will eventually kill all the hatred and anger inside them and they will start remembering the good of the relationship. Time is the only thing that can make their hatred and anger go away. And when it does go away, they will realize that they are still in love with you.

Sneaky Sign No. 2: They Are Being Competitive

Is your ex trying to make you jealous? Do they post pictures on facebook specifically to push your buttons? Are they going out of their way so that you know that they are dating someone new? Do they become extra flirtatious with other people when you are around? Then congratulations, your ex is probably still in love with you (aside from being a little immature).competitive_ex

What your ex is trying to do is win the post breakup competition. Not only is it a pretty immature way of dealing with the breakup, it’s also a very ineffective way. The fact that they are doing this means that you are on their mind most of the time. And the fact that you are still on their mind means that they are still in love with you.

Instead of trying to decipher everything your ex does and says. Why don’t you take this simple quiz to find out your chances of getting back together? Click Here to begin.

What You Should Do?

Let them play their game while you actually try to improve your life. Do the three things that you must do during the no contact rule. Do the things you enjoy and start going out on dates. If they are being competitive, they are probably watching everything you do. Seeing you actually improving in your life is going to make them second guess their decision to breakup. (Are you scared that they have moved on? Read Get Your Ex Back If She Has Moved on to another guy)

Sneaky Sign No. 3: Push/Pull Behavior

If your ex is cold one minute and hot the other, then you can be sure they have feelings for you. They will pull away and won’t talk to you for weeks, and then suddenly push to spend time with you. They will ignore your calls and then start calling you everyday. They will stop responding to your texts and then start texting you randomly. (Read more about texting an ex here.)

This behavior simply means that they are confused about their feelings for you. Their heart is still in love with you but they are trying to convince themselves that they should stay broken up. They miss you and want to spend time with you, but they are stopping themselves because they think you are not good for them.

What You Should Do?

Be cool. Stay calm and don’t let their irrational behavior get to you. If you respond to their unstable behavior, you are showing a sign of neediness. Whatever happens, don’t ever ask them “Why you didn’t reply to my text?” or “Why you didn’t pick up my call?”

If they become cold, you become cold. Simple as that. Don’t reward their cold behavior by paying them more attention.

Sneaky Sign No. 4: Drunk Dialing

If your ex calls you when they are intoxicated, then it’s an obvious sign that they still have feelings for you. However, you should be very careful about what you say to them when they call you or text you when they are drunk. It could be that they confess their love to you when they are drunk and they become completely cold the next day.

What You Should Do?

Any drunken calls from your ex should be received with caution. Do not talk about YOUR feelings when they are drunk. It doesn’t matter how much they ask you “If you still love them”, you should not reply. Just a simple “You are drunk and I don’t want to talk about it right now” should do the trick.

Do not confess your love to them when they are drunk. It will only make them realize the next day that you are still not over them and that they still have you (Read third point of this article to understand why they shouldn’t feel like they still have you).

Sneaky Sign No. 5: Contacting You During The No Contact Rule

If you’ve read the 5 step plan, I recommend you start no contact with your ex after the breakup. This is perhaps the most effective way to win your ex back for good. During this no contact period if your ex contacts you, then you can be sure that they are thinking about you and they still have feelings for you.

What You Should Do?

Don’t pick up the phone. Talking to them is going to defeat the purpose of no contact. You need to prove to yourself that you can survive without your ex for at least 30 days. It’s hard but in the end, you will realize it was worth it. Also, when you don’t pick up their phone, they are going to start wondering whether or not you have moved on. They will start realizing that you are not a needy person and that you are not available for them whenever they need you. Trust me, you are going to become more attractive in their mind by not answering them.

You can still contact them after no contact is over. But until then, you need to stay strong.

Wait, do you still have a chance?

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815 comments ...add one

  • Stephen

    Me and my Girlfriend have been broken up for a month and two weeks. I barley text her today after no contact. We had been together for 4 years. And she broke up with me because loss of feelings I’m guessing. She told me if you wanna make this work you have to move out. I wanna see you make big boy moves. I responded and said, “can we be grown about it and talk it out? With me moving out is that really gonna fix things?” She responded, I’m giving you the loop whole if you don’t wanna take it, that’s out of my hands... where do I go from here??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take her advice here, and show her you're capable of being independent and have matured since breaking up. She probably felt that you had started taking her for granted, showed less affection, and became needier, which was why she suggested moving out in order to see your 'big boy moves'.

      Reply
  • Paul

    Hi, my name is Paul. Ive been in a 9 month long relationship with my ex before she broke things off. Im 26 and she is 24. We have been in contact even after breaking up but sometimes there would be times where I would block her and then unblock her once my negative emotions have subsided. When I did it for the 3rd time I messaged her once i did unblock her.. and she responded to me that ive done it too many times already. She said i should have been firm in blocking her. I regret doing it and i apologized to her, that i was sorry for being indecisive and i want to preserve what we at least had but to no avail. Did i screw it up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, yes she probably is firm on the breakup and there isn't much you can do to convince her otherwise. You might want to give her space for now and go into NC, before reaching out to rebuild attraction and trust with her again and see if she's willing to start over then. You can use this article for more guidelines on how to win her back.

      Reply
  • kay

    hie coach ..i am guy of 22 .my girlfriend dumbed me its been a year now siting that i was no longer there for her and she felt like she doesn"t matter anymore to me because i had went away to write exams in another place for about 3 months but honestly i was missing her a lot and my love grew more more towards her so ,one day she just texted me saying she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore and it really really gave me tonnes of confusion and heartbreak because i felt we have a lot to share since i had just came back home the day she dumped me. it took me more than 3 months to start not hurting over losing her though i never stopped loving her and i still do because she is a lot different from the other girls i have or had. before break up she would even write me letters on paper just to express her feelings to me honestly those were the best thing i still miss and that gives me a bad feeling of desperation just to be her again. a day ago i planned to meet her and she came ,we hugged we watched a movie together and other silly stuff. I must agree i made a big mistake because towards the end of the day i showed her how badly i still need her and i kinda begged her to give us a chance but we ran out of time still talking about it. she told me that for now she can only give me friendship because she believes she is in serious relationship now with someone else. i responded by telling her how badly i needed her but it couldnt change anything. i believe she still has feelings for me but cant just allow us that chance and it hurts me most because she at times plead with me to come see her about 3 times but i coudnt go see her because i was broke until the past weekend so at times i feel like she found this guy at the time i coudnt go see her . i tried dating many girls during our no contact but she still run crazy in my mind. i need your advice on what to do next maybe i can get her to be with me in the future or maybe i have permanently ruined my chances ..should accept being a friend ? or i must not agree to that because my true feeling is that i still love her

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Accept the condition of being friends for now if you still intend to win her back someday, otherwise, walk away from her altogether if you think you think staying friends with her would affect your happiness. Although you've made mistakes, it seems that she still has feelings for you to some extent, but you HAVE to consider making some changes if you want to stand a chance and not make more mistakes down the road. Most importantly, you're going to have to learn to accept the breakup and be able to live without her. Otherwise, she's always going to feel that pressure from you, and would lose respect because she sees you as weak.

      Reply
  • Rae

    Hello! My ex broke up with me in June. His baby momma wanted to fight me because he moved on with me. He hasn’t been with her in 3 years. I’m the first serious relationship since her. I was the only woman he introduced to his child and she loved me. His family loved me as well. Ever since we broke up he’s been in contact with me. He won’t let a week go by without talking to me and he shares everything with me. He told me he will always love me yet he has not made an effort to work it out with me. He recently told me people do stupid things for good reasons all the time when I asked him why he ended things with me. He thinks he is protecting me from the drama, but I see it as him not wanting to have the conversation that he’s moved on with her. Should I walk away for good?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Before deciding to walk away or not, perhaps you should have an honest conversation with him about how you feel, where you stand, and what his intention/reasons were for everything. Sometimes, people take action or give up when they perceive it to be the best for everyone, but fail to take into consideration other parties and what they are willing to go through.

      Reply
  • Elaine

    So my ex husband served me when our twins were 6months old, I wanted to work things out but he just told me to give him money so he could leave. We got in a lot of arguments because of money and his mom being so involved in our marriage. He kept me hanging on for about a year after he moved out, then his days off changed at work and he wanted to change our agreement that I have a modification for at work. He has always run away from stress and we had a lot of stress with deaths in the family, cancer in the family, car accident, new house marriage I had surgery then I got pregnant and it was a tough pregnancy. So he came back and forth wanting to work things out. Fast forward a year of this two weeks ago he shows up with my kids and a new girl. He constantly calls me names when he talks to me if I don’t do what he is asking of me. He refuses to give me a solid we r done for good. The verbal abuse continues.

    I am so upset (I was not perfect I have said mean things but always caused from the name calling or some drama with ppl butting in and him never standing up for me or standing by me).

    All I wanted was my now two year olds to have their family Together and he is so angry and says I’m taking his kids away from him (which I am not!!!)

    What does he want from me he literally blames me fo everything and takes no blame for his part and now I feel like I’ve lost him for good.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems that he’s taking you entirely for granted right now. It wouldn’t make sense for you to continue hanging around (at least for the time being), because your presence isn’t going to help with a change of his heart.

      Reply
  • Jasmin

    Hi, my ex boyfriend and I broken up 2 days ago. The reason was because he had a lot of problems going on with his family and he wants cool off from our relationship. He says he still loves me but he doesnt want me to get involve with his problems. I gave him what he wanted. But then yesterday was supposed to be our monthsary, so i tried to send him a message saying it hurts that he broken up with me and that we have not able to celebrate our monthsary. I also told him I wanted to wait for him to come back but I felt like he will not come back anymore, and that it will be more easy for me if he says he doesn't love me or doesn't want to continue our relationship anymore. He read the message but didn't answer, i didn't receive a reply. During our relationship he keeps a lot of things from me, one is he has another facebook account where I discover he just broke up with his girlfriend 5 days after we became a couple. Opposed to what he told me that he was single for 2 years. And that it was the girl who broke up with him because of long distance relationship, but then again when I check the profile of the girl, it says that it was him who left. I confront this with him and he change the story again, he told me that the girl cheated, thats why they broke up. This issue starts to give me doubts whether he's telling me the truth or not. But I love him very much that I'm willing to overlook this issues and forgive him of his shortcomings so he could stay. Right now I can't stop hoping that he will come back to me, but because of the issues I am doubting whether his reasons for the break up is only his way of leaving me. I don't want him to know or see that I'm moving on because I want him to think that I'm waiting for him and he can always come back anytime. But what if he dont come back? Should I just stop hoping and move on? I love him very much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think it would honestly be better to move on. Who knows if he has been lying to you the whole time and it would be hard to develop such a relationship over distrust and insecurities.

      Reply
  • Sara Zamani

    Hi
    I‘ve been dating a guy for 8 months(both of us are 20).we‘ve gone through a breakup before.about a month ago I asked him to hang out.but he ignored me.i became cold towards him.he texted me several times after that and then he stopped.he started uploading stories about love and then loneliness on instagram and then unfollowed me(I did so too) I’m not sure what to do or what he wants.he didn’t talk about break up.if he wanted that why doesn’t he just say so?It‘s been about 40 days since we stopped talking and I‘ll see him at the end of September because we study at the same university.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps have a talk with him to find out what his intentions are, and whether he still wants the relationship. There could be a chance that it started as a misunderstanding or because there was a certain issue, and by not addressing it and additionally playing the hot cold game, things have escalated to this extent.

      Reply
  • Criz Andrea A. Payad

    Im from Philippines, 28 years old. My boyfriend is from Saudi Arabia, 44 years old.
    We had a huge fight last sunday because I caught him attended a Filipino gathering without me knowing it or should I say he really didn't want me to know. We lived together for a year in Saudi when I was still there, I came to Philippines last May 2017, our relationship was on and off coz of trust issue. He visited Philippines this year, March, he met my family and on his 6th day here, I caught him from his mobile that he cheated on me last year (August) he had this affair with another filipina and he admitted it, he said he paid for this woman to have sex with him and he said he honestly didn't like it. But based on the messages he sent her, I dont know if im going to believe him. That issue is already finished, he begged for my forgiveness and promised me he will never do that again. Until last sunday, I saw photos from a facebook friend and I was surprised to saw him on that party. He's always telling me that he's busy but he didn't even bother to tell me he's attending that Filipino gathering coz he already knows what's gonna be my reaction, and he also reason out that to me, that I would have gone crazy again if he tells me. I got mad, and he didn't talk to me the whole day. He calls me after that, saying he need a break. That I will never change. That I dont have the rights to control him whether he wants to go out with his guy friends and also girls. He also told me to wake up, that maybe one day something might happen, that he might get married again (coz he's divorced from last year)
    And all he wants to happen is for me to have a career that's why he bought my own working visa in Bahrain which is only 30minutes drive from his place in Saudi. I begged for him not to leave me but he said he couldn't answer it now. I asked him if he still loves me, he said yes. Now I dont know what to do. Should I cut contacts with him or what. He just called me last night, but just to ask how are my kids and parents doing. It was only 2 minutes call.
    Please help me to get him back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I know you want him back, but you also need to focus on being independent and working on your goals in the meantime (since these things are important to him). You also have to learn that it's not healthy to react this way whenever you find out he attends events since it comes across as weak and paints a picture in his head that 'you're always going to be like this' or that he can't tell you things due to your reaction.

      Reply
  • dddddd

    LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

    My ex was a girl who plays with men's feeling to have revenge on how she was dumped by her ex before . I was suppose to be 1 of her victim but she fall in love with me and she changed . But i somehow broke her heart because i say something so hurtful for her and kinda dump her 1 night .. , i said that she is a useless girlfriend and many bad things which is what her EX do to her before but i dont really mean it , i just feeling so angry that time , we fights and have a breakup . But we still do contact each other almost everyday and spend times together after that and she do say that she still love me a bit but she want to be single for now . And i still trying to get her back and i never leave her.

    So , after about a month after the breakup , i contact 1 of her ex that was her victim , so i ask him about her , so this guy tell me how mess up their relationship was and he know that he was just being used , she never care about them even tho that guy was so nice to her , he never being mad to her .. but just after 1 fight , she just leave him like that , even if he said " i love u" or ask bout her feeling , she never reply . And this guy said that if she not chatting with him , she will chats with other guy (cheating). Which is very different with me , we had a lot of fights even before we are officially dating and she do care about us . And she do reply my feelings .

    So, i remembered back then she do tell me that after she know and talks with me , she changed . And she only talk with me right now . So , i act know a guy whom she used to chat a lot (which was suppose to be her victim also) , so i asked this guy to read their chat , and unexpectedly , this guy was very cool to give me his fb , so , i read their chats and im suprised to see that she really stop chatting with this guy suddenly , and that was the time that she started to like me and she said she dont chat with other guy anymore .

    But i was an asshole , i used this guy fb to try to bait her because i am such a curious person and i have doubts issues , but she act knows that it was me and she got very mad with me , saying i am a coward and else . We fights again and she told me about her past , she admit she was playing with men's feeling before because of revenge . ( she dont know that i already know because i talk with her victim ex).

    Right now , she still spending time with me , but i know she is very dissapointed with me right now , We are still not back in relationship and i dont know if she do still love me right now .

    DID SHE REALLY CHANGE ?
    DID HER LOVE FOR ME GONE ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she's still spending time with you, then use this time to gain her trust back and to help her see that arguments in a relationship are common but just because the relationship isn't perfect, doesn't mean you should walk away anytime something goes wrong.

      Reply
  • Kevin

    Hi,
    I’m after some advice, I called off my relationship with my ex 2 months ago....I instantly regretted it and after a month I decided to go to her house ( as she had blocked me on phone and social media).....when she answered she looked annoyed I was there but didn’t slam the door in my face or anything, instead she listened to what I had to say then told me she had moved on with someone else.....to say I was gutted was an understatement, however I apologised for the way I behaved and see watched me get into my car and drive off.The next day I sent her a text just saying that I was glad she was happy and wished her the best of luck, and told her that I’d always be ready to take her back.
    A couple of days later I received a phone call from the police asking me to refrain from contacting her at her request.....obviously I was dumb struck and I haven’t contacted her since.
    The new guy has a picture on his profile of her and his two children with the caption “1st Family Picture” .....this was less than a month than we split....subsequently I have learnt they’ve been seeing each other from 10 days after we split!
    So my question is.....is this the real deal or is she trying to get me back for hurting her?
    Also if I do no contact, how long for and how do I contact her again after?
    Please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could probably be the impulsiveness to jump into a new relationship (or a rebound) that has given her the illusion that she's moved on from the breakup with you, but if the relationship you shared with her was a long and meaningful one, the past would probably catch up to her eventually since she has not actually dealt with the emotions from the previous breakup. In the meantime I suggest moving on and focusing on yourself since she is clearly not ready to face you and may even feel negatively towards you hence the police call.

      Reply
  • BrokenCompletely

    We dated 6 years, lived together 2 years. Due to stupid stuff in my family the last year I got depressed, overweight, passive, in short, wasn't a man and didn't make her feel as a woman. She broke it off, and the following weeks while she was moving out, I did everything wrong, crying, pleading, begging, she straight out said ahe lost all respect for me, and she was right to do so. After she moved out, I started reading what to actually do, so I started NC, the first month through mutual friends I heard she already started dating someone, it hurt, but I made no big deal of it. After 40 days I bumped into her on the street, she clearly wasn't ready to talk to me, aside from a forced 'hi', luckily I kept my cool. After 3 months, I tried reaching out, as outlined here, no response. Now, honestly, she is one of the most stubborn people I know, so this didn't surprise me, I understood that for this to work with her, I would have to have patience. Now after 6 months of NC, some of her mail was still coming to my place, contacting her though her friends (she has blocked me everywhere) and the postal office didn't worked, so I went over to her place to give her her mail and politely ask to change her adress. At this point I knew that she was already dating the same guy for 5 months and were moving in together (expensive city, so it happens alot, not a big thing, though it still hurts).
    During this 6 months though, I have lost 70 pounds and gotten healthy, stopped smoking, drinking, gaming. Got new clothes, a new car even a new job, I was different, and I was happy, even without her, even though I miss her terribly and want her back. I'm even dating someone, but casually.
    Anyway, she was not happy to see me, or it seemed like she actually was but was putting on a very nasty facade. I kept calm, confident and even got a few laughs out of her during this shirt encounter, but everytime she caught herself laighing she quickly resumed her stern and angry facade, stating we are over, never contact her again, she has moved on. Anyway, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable so left soon. Now, I see it as, she still needs time to cool down, her angry facade will stay for a while. It is truly possible that she moved on and never wants me again and part of me accepts it already.

    What would be the best course of action here? Completely let her go, maybe she will contact me in a few months, maybe a year. And if at that point we are both single, see if anything is left? If not, try and get over it and move on? Or is there something to be done here?

    Because honestly, she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and if she would spend time with me, even as friends she would experience the new me, but this is an impossibility right now.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Personally, I wouldn't recommend waiting on her to have a change of heart since you never know how long that is going to take. Never let your past dictate your future, and this is one of those cases where you should consider simply moving on and letting go. If fate happens to present an opportunity down the road where both of you are single and you still have feelings for her at that time, then consider your options then. For the time being though, simply focus on making yourself happy and becoming the best person you can be.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    So I’ve not spoken to my ex for awhile. She said she wanted to her own things and see other people so I said that’s fine but things did get abit heated too. This isn’t the first time this has happened. But previously when she did this she blocked me and my friends off social media, we’re talking over 6/7 months ago now. Anyway It’s been three weeks since we last spoke but the other night she saw my best friends girlfriend out, who both actually don’t like each other, she is also one of the people she blocked originally. I’ll be honest she wasn’t speaking in very glowing terms about me to my friends gf. And she did claim she was speaking to someone, which is fair enough.

    Anyway on the night out she tried to be friends with my mates GF which is odd, and then later on that night she then went and unblocked my best friend and his girlfriend on social media and started to follow them both, I found that very odd. Anyway I managed to keep my cool and didn’t react at all and made no attempt to contact her. She has since unblocked me which again is strange.

    Just wondering if I could have you thoughts on the situation please, thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Her actions could probably mean that seeing your best friend's girlfriend reminded her of you, which brought about both good and bad memories at the same time, resulting in her speaking ill about you to them, but at the same time unblocking you off social media. She may also have told your best friend's girlfriend about her seeing someone else because she knows the message will get relayed back to you eventually and it might be a way of 'showing off' that she's doing okay after the breakup. If you feel that she may be receptive towards you again, you could always try reaching out sometime soon, but I would personally recommend waiting it out to see what she does first.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      How long would you look to wait? My 30 days ends on the 26th, if I looked to make contact then that would have been over a week since the discussion between the two took place.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      How long would you look to leave it before responding? And what’s the best way to go about approaching it?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Contacting her once NC ends sounds like a relatively good time, given the circumstances. If she responds positively, then continue with the conversations but if she doesn't, go back into no contact again since it was probably too soon still.

      Reply
  • Saad

    My ex sent me this today, what does this mean:

    "I wanted to thank you for all what you did for me. It means a lot. I can't believe in the fact that we act like strangers now.... we had something that was so special and different from all couples. I wish you all the best in everything that you'll undertake throughout your life. And i sincerely miss you a lot, maybe i need you by my side as a friend to feel stronger. But anyway if you're happy the way we are now I'm happy too. I won't be too long... Always be the amazing human that you are and never ever look at your past to be honest if i could change our past I'll definitely do it... that's my most wanted wish. I miss you my friend more than you think."

    What does that mean? I'm around 21 days nc

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well it would indicate that she's definitely thinking of you and misses you in some form, but it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back together. It could simply just be those 'late night thoughts' where she thinks back to the relationship with you.

      Reply
  • Khan

    A girl used to stalk me alot and someone introduced me to her. We came in a relationship and it was my first relationship not her. I am 23 and she is 18 . We discussed about each other in our families and we were having a great time. I used to ger hyper when she used to annoy me. She used to talk about breakups and then nect minute she used to say sorry and I always took her in arms. We had a fight one day and FINALLY she broke up. She is continuously SAYING I hate u and I don't want to live with u I dont feel anything for u. But I know she still .....loves mw. But kindly tell me how to ger her back. She has removed me from fb blocked me on mobile. How can I get her back? She gets angry and hyper when I text or call her. Yes I have promise myself to change my negative attitude with her. But she is not accepting my apology.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give her some time for now to cool off, especially if the incident that led to the breakup only happened recently. You could apply the No Contact Rule for now, and try to initiate an apology and conversation again after the NC period, which should have given her plenty of time to cool off.

      Reply
  • violette

    Hi, I need an advice my ex boyfriend been sending me messages on Facebook we haven't talked for about 5 years. I answered a couple of his messeges and he was telling me about his struggles and about his ex girlfriend that did him wrong. And he will ask me if I still have feeling for And and I will tell him no, because I moved on I have a family. He will tell me to leave my boyfriend for him but to be honest I do have feelings for him but just as friends. He will tell me to hang out but it's weird hanging out with your ex boyfriend or is it okay?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you are currently in a relationship and have a family, it would be best to do right by your family and not take the risk of exploring a situation of what could ruin it on the off chance your feelings are sparked again, especially if your relationship has lasted awhile and you may be feeling 'bored' with it due to the lack of excitement.

      Reply
  • Kayla

    I dated my ex for 1 year. He was very very into me the whole time. I never questioned his interest. Marriage has been mentioned on his end. Stuff was great then aspects of It got very unhealthy. He still showed the same interest though. But eventually we took a break for about a month and when we came back together everything was better and he had changed a lot in many ways. In March we got into a dispute and It was over him thinking guys were texting me (which wasn’t true) but lead to me breaking up with him out of being tired of being treated less than i wanted. Shortly after he was posting snapchats with a new girl. He doesn’t like her and that’s somewhat apparent because he doesn’t treat her how he did when Pursuing me. He also tells me she is not his girl and doesn’t care for her. It’s so confusing. Of corse that situation hurt me so bad i lashed out and i somewhat regret showing my feelings. Now he’s very cold and hot with me. One day he’s super cold and then will pop up days later with warm heart towards me. I’m his cold days he shows extreme anger towards me or disinterest. This is confusing for me and i have poured my heart out time after time telling him this is nothing like us. It’s very out of character for him to be so cold towards me. But he says he’s completely done with me and hates me, etc. i find this hard to believe because whenever i try to move on or he sees me having fun, he gets angry. What’s going on here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could potentially still be feeling upset at the breakup, and might have even let his thoughts run wild from overthinking which causes him to react in a hot and cold manner. The other girl may not be someone he likes or has feelings for but it definitely is aimed at filling his time right now instead of having to deal with the breakup instead.

      Reply
  • Mo

    Broke up with my Girlfriend of 3 years at the end of December, did not really communicate with her much for about two months even though I missed her the whole time. We started briefly taking again in February and since then have been communicating almost everyday, I found out in March that she started talking to another guy which driven me nuts because I still deeply love her and want to get back together. She’s complained to me several times about this guy saying that he was just there for her when I wasn’t and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings but also tells me that she still misses me and loves me. She told me that she told the new guy that she still had feelings for me and didn’t want to date him but he told her either to commit to just him and cut me off or he would be done with her. She decided to commit but that only lasted like a week and then they got into it and she decided to come on a trip with me. When she’s with me she says she misses his company but when she’s with him she misses me. I don’t know what to do, I feel like she is confused and deep down knows that she wants to be with me but is scared of our past. She said she doesn’t love this guy or have feelings for him and knows it won’t go anywhere. She’s tried to tell him to step back but he doesn’t want to go and I feel like he is interfering with her decision. I want to not be available for her to let her realize what she is losing but I love her too much not to be there for her when she reaches out. She says that I really hurt her when I left and she never expected that I would ever leave, I feel so guilty for not being more patient with my decision. I don’t know what to do...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps instead of fretting and giving her any further issues with her decision, use that time whenever it is spent in contact with her to remind her why she loves you through positive and sweet actions. This would improve your chances and position as she holds on less to the past memories, and let the other guy self-destruct on his own accord through his insecurities and problems he gives her.

      Reply
  • Kamila mauricio kevin ruiz

    My ex girlfriend broke up with me and got into a rebound relationship the next day. She claims they have not had sex yet but i doubt it. after a week she called me to hangout and when i showed up she started crying begging me to love her back and get back to her. She convinced me and said yes. We had sex that night. The next day we hungout and it was awesome. Day #3 she started being evil again. I think its because the new boyfriend is flying here next weekend and i said no. but wait im her boyfriend. She called me yesterday saying that she was "just drunk" even tho i asked 3 times if she was sure and she remembers. i have gone through hell with her. She comes from a broken family, and im not trying to save her as much as i want. I want her but she makes me feel horrible all the time. I'm a web developer and her behavior get into my work line. She has stabbed me, insulted me, sent me to jail on fake charges, cheated and much more. I am a nice guy and im smart. I am very hard to be lied to and she hates that because she loves to lie to people. I WISH I NEVER MET HER. what can i do? how can i just forget her? im afraid of blocking her because she might retaliate in an ugly way. When i don't reply she messages me saying that i should not ignore her because it makes her sad but when i text her she say i am annoying. How do i fix this? at this point i want to escape but i can't. She told me to killmyself yesterday and that's hurting. Someone please give me advise how i can just stop her behavior or how i can escape fast. This is making me sick. I look sick, i feel sick and i can't keep dealing with this myself. I am embarrassed to talk about this to anyone because i am a guy and they always tell me... its your fault blah blah. help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would honestly suggest severing all ties completely, especially if you want out of this emotional roller coaster you've going through. Block her off on all forms of contact such as her number, social media, Whatsapp, etc and focus on yourself instead. Ignore anything that comes your way and do not react to whatever she does or you'll just get sucked back in again.

      Reply
  • Pritha

    Hi... there's this one friend of mine who told my ex that I have a crush on him and told me that he had a crush on me...days later we fell for eachother without knowing the truth we started dating and it continued for like a year now...and he just broke up with me last week...and he is telling that I don't like her (me) because she is a playgirl...I know I had a past where I had a crush on some guys and so did he...but still he passes hate comments about me but still he stares at me...not all the time...but when he does it's priceless for me...I still love him...and somepart of my heart is telling that he does too....can u please help me with this...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps try to understand why he suddenly decided to break up with you only now, using that excuse and see if there's a way to work things out.

      Reply
  • Ali

    I am the one who broke the relationship up. After 2 month i apologised and tried to get her back in my life but she refused, i asked her again and again if she had someone in her life, but she denied..
    Then she kept blocking, unblocking me on whatsapp, sent messages but deleted before i read them, kept asking me whether i was calling her from another number eventhough she knows I don't have any extra phone..
    then she messaged me about 3 weeks ago that she misses me, she asked me about my life, she told that her life isn't going good, she posted depressive, solitude and alone statuses on whatsapp.. she apologised for her behaviour she showed during i was apologising her, then she said to me that she can't pretend anymore and asked me to block her, then she continuously asked what happened whenever she was reading my depressive posts.. but when i posted an old picture of me (which was taken only oneday before our relationship started), she deleted my number but didn't block me..
    I don't know what does she want, i am depressed because i want her back..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She could be feeling emotional for whatever circumstances she's facing, but isn't sure of herself yet and whether she wants to get back together or not, since she might still feel negatively towards you for breaking up and hurting her.

      Reply
    • Ali

      So what should i do? How can i get her back??

      Reply
    • Ali

      Can you tell me any solution to get her back??

      Reply
  • Rick

    My ex always posted her feelings on twitter and she posts angry tweets and sometimes depressed tweets. I was trying to move on when I saw her post saying "I'm not okay but I will be." But she still posts songs that are broken. When we broke up she told me to stop contacting her relatives and so I did. But, when one of my relatives died she texted my mom. After that I texted her and said thank you. Then she took to twitter right after my message and said "I have so many things to say but I will stick with silence for now." Then I messaged her and we talked but then it became ugly and she said even if we became friends she won't come back to me. Etc. Etc. I don't know why she does that it's like posting things to pull me in then push me away when I give in. Why is she like that? It's like pulling me in to hurt me always.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be her personal thoughts but she's too stubborn to admit, and the conversation turning ugly would definitely cause her to feel stronger about not getting back together with you. I suggest giving her some space and not being affected by the things she says since twitter is meant for her to pour her thoughts out to as a sort of personal diary.

      Reply
  • Siya

    I broke up with my ex and it was a few months Relationship. Am trying to Hide that I love him but I can't anymore he used to act like he wanna talk to me but now he is not doing that anymore and know I strongly want him back I dnt know what to do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Have you completed No Contact and given both parties space to let go of negative emotions relating to the breakup yet? If no, I would suggest that you start with attempting that first by following this article

      Reply
  • Jenny

    After two years of our relationship, 1 year being together here in (qatar) and 1 year a long distance relationship. Last April he left me here and at that time he struggled to the place he just transferred for work (dubai)cause his visa is not yet approved, at that time i was looking for a new job in here and we communicate alot of what we will do to stay together, he told me that if he can get a permanent visa and get settled he will take me but it just happens i found a nice job in here(qatar). So we decided that we will meet at one place or country to be together. This january we had a fight, because of misunderstanding, i get busy at my work and im still processing my papers to transfer my working visa to another company(wer'e still in long distance relationship state). At that time we argue through messaging and he says he dont care about me anymore but i ask him to come back to me and we will fix this issue and then he nags at me that "how he can call me his girlfriend if he cannot see for 6 months"? (Stupid idea) i told him that, my visa is still processing thats why i cant see him and i tell him like i think my visa will finish by nexth month (to make him hope up), then he said okay, after that our communication became shorter, he doesnt response in some of my messages and i sense that it will come to an end- at that time i was frustrated to get my visa done in order to see him but to badluck my visa got hold on to immigration, this month i communicate to one of my friend which is also his friend, he send me some screenshots about their conversation, shows that hes dating a another girl, i talk to him (now ex boyfriend)about that matter and now hes insisting to break me up, and i was begging for him to make him stay and fix our relationship and wait for me until my visa gets done but he really wants to finish our relationship, i was decided that i cannot force him anymore and we broke up this week 3 april.now i already get my new visa but its no use if cannot see him anymore, i texted him that i already have a visa but he doesnt care anymore 😢 no matter how hard i do to keep myself busy( moving on stage) but i still miss him so much :'(, especially we spent most our time together here in this country, i think now hes happy with his new life there. I want him back but now i couldnt do anything about it 😖

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hang in there Jenny. Things will definitely get better over time as you heal. Long distance relationships are never easy because they require a different level of effort to maintain the relationship, and even then, one person might eventually get bored due to the lack of physical contact and decide to end things.

      Reply
  • Fay

    Been with my ex for 5 years we had a misunderstanding n I got angry told him leave for the million time n he finally did I didn't mean it but he said he had enough. We was talking n he jus cut me off then started back we fell put again had a huge fight and he cut all contact completely. I went to his house we had sex n wen I left he said don't come back idk what to do I miss him like crazy

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could have said those things in a moment of frustration towards you. For the moment, it would be best to give him some space to let go of any negative emotions he might be feeling towards you before talking to him again. You should also re-consider the methods used whenever you're upset and try not to initiate breaking up so casually.

      Reply
  • Alisha

    Hi kevin it's Alisha thanks for getting back to me but i don't know how long i should wait or be patient with my ex for. it's been 3 days since i last texted him it was a normal conversation he asked a question i replied but he hasn't even seen it, but of course he's been on his phone so it seems he's avoiding me and choosing not to reply also i initiated again saying "hey guess what xx" that was yesterday morning still no reply i deleted the conversation out of annoyance and i didn't say anything else. i don't know what to do or say i'm starting to wonder if he has a new gf and that's the reason he's choosing not to speak to me. Thanks again i really appreciate your help it's been hard but everytime i come on to your page i find some hope and i can keep my cool

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's always hope and light at the end of every tunnel, just that sometimes it's easier to simply walk out from where you came from and move on because the journey is too long and uncertain. Hang in there, and all the best.

      Reply
    • Alisha

      I understand thankyou for all the help i really appreciate it... he still hasn't got back but i'm sure everything will be ok even if i don't get him back :)

      Reply
  • John

    Hi I was with my ex for 13 years we have got kids n married I thought everything was going fine then she comes out with I don't love you anymore we are over you do no that it hurt me a lot but I'm trying to sort my life out but she wants me to have kids all the time she phones me to ask me can I do this can I do that she don't realy talk to me only when she needs something or if I can do a favour does she still love me she says loads off bad stuff to me but not sure if it's angry n hurt

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps first draw the line now that the relationship is over regarding the children, before trying to win her back separately. Try not to get the two mixed up or things would get potentially very messy.

      Reply
  • Jamanda Howe

    We’ve broke up for 8 years but somehow we still manage to keep in touch time to time. So, we dated almost a year & broke up in 2011. In 2013, I went to college, we still keep in touch, somehow my ex fling wanted me to prank my ex girlfriend that we had kissed but we didn’t anyway my ex fling think that my ex girlfriend will get upset. Mind you , back in high school ,my ex fling & ex girlfriend hated each other because they were fighting over me. Back to the point, I told my ex girlfriend that I had kissed my ex fling & she got freaked out & never wanted to speak with me again. Like I said, somehow we still manage to keep in touch lol. Another, she is always the first person to watch my Snapchat story. Last year, I told her I was still in love with her & she said I need to move on. Everytime I post of guy or girls, she always asked am I dating one of them. Next, she always asked me am I bisexual, lesbian or straight... I asked her why she always asked me that & she claimed she forgot. She claimed she is happily straight & happy with her boyfriend. So, she attended my college last semester, I finally saw her in person on the first day of college last semester, she was in the office, I walked passed through her office, she came out of the office, I looked back, she quickly ran back to her office, I went back to her way, we saw each other, said nothing, & she rolled her eyes at me. Mind you , I haven’t seen her in person since we broke up but we talked in FaceTime sometimes. Second met, she asked me was I still interested in girls & who I rather to be with the most girl or guy. We were just started to flirted & jokes on each other. Second met, she was touchy-feely me, glare at me(or I’m just tripping) like there are still connections. We just clicked. So, I was helping her homework, a girl waved & smiled at me, of course my ex girlfriend saw her & gave me a weird, confusion, & maybe jealousy expression & asked me if that was my girlfriend.. Some staff said we must be really closed, we’re best friends, or we were the funniest people. I thought it was funny because they didn’t know that we used to go together... only if they knew & they probably would said we were flirting & stuff. we argued couple time about past... I posted a Snapchat game about first love & I wrote her initial name. She got so upset & told me that I need to move on.... & now I’m getting her space & just gon leave her alone for now on... What should I do? Or just move on my life???

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is entirely up to you. She seems to have some sort of feelings towards you but isn't certain herself, perhaps due to the bad memories from being together. If you really want her back, it's up to you on how you convince her to be honest about her feelings, and show her you've changed since the last time without coming across as too pushy. Her asking you to move on would be indication that she probably thinks it's easier that way, so attempting to win her back won't be a simple feat. However it can be done if your bond with her is meaningful enough. In the mean time, do give her some space first since she's upset, and wait a couple of days before contacting her again.

      Reply
  • Ash

    My wife left me almost 6 weeks ago after 12 years together. She walked right into a relationship with a guy she just met, moved in at his place. We're not even divorced yet and she's already referring to him as her fiance... The dude has messed up meth teeth and is ugly, nothing like me... Everything screams rebound. After about a month I've been doing no contact and this passed week she's reached out a bunch but i keep the contact minimal and only if it involves our 9 year old daughter. I get big long texts, likely helped by the new guy, full of bullshit about how i make her feel unsafe and i threaten her (never have),and shit she's going to use against me in court when the divorce happens, but then she acts all nice when we meet to get my daughter or i get some other nice texts. I'm still sticking to no contact/minimal contact and using Facebook as a highlight reel for What changes I'm making. Regardless of the craziness i want her back. She did a similar thing 10 years ago in the early years of our relationship. I wasn't giving her attention and she bailed into the arms of another dude but came back 3 months later. Am i working with a rebound scenario? Do i still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It definitely sounds like it, since there's extreme differences between you two. Most often under these circumstances, partners get bored after a period of the routine lifestyle and when they meet someone who comes across as exciting or mysterious (even if it's completely unsuitable), they might find an attraction towards that person, and even dive head first into things. Continue with your no contact, and don't react to the messages since it might affect your image if things really end up going to court. If you do want her back, you just have to show her that she's making the wrong choice, and that you were a much better option this whole time. Never come across as needy or desperate, continue improving yourself as a person, and don't forget to show off these changes when you get the opportunity to make her question her decision. However, there are deeper issues that need to be worked on if you ever do win her back, because this could very well happen again and you have to figure out what causes her to feel this way.

      Reply
  • Sandra

    About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. His exact worlds where "I'm not happy anymore" and "I don't feel the same about you"
    As you can conclude I was caught off guard and it broke my heart.
    We had been arguing a lot more than usual and I no longer lived close to him due to going away to school. But the distance was only and hour. I see now that I had made him feel trapped due to my insecurities of loosing him and being away. I begged for him back, I cried (a lot), I repeatedly asked for a second try and while he gave it to me he didn't try.
    The hard part for me is that even though I'm heart broken I love this guy. I've let our past relationship go because it wasn't healthy and it wasn't right for us but now I'm reaching the hardest part in trying to let him go.
    After the break up he wanted to continue texting and talking and being friends.. to me that was confusing. He always picked up my calls. When I tried to tell him to remember the feelings he had for me he would get mad and say he had to leave. Knowing him for a long time I know he is choosing to forget me and any feelings he has for me. I don't know why? But now I'm choosing to 30 day NC and hoping this might help both of us put things into prospective. I really don't want to let this man go.. but for me it's not worth loosing myself anymore. After this 30 day period might there be a chance to start a new beautiful relationship ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may not have the same feelings about you, but still has instinctive lifestyle habits built up over the last 4 years as a couple which he can't let go of yet. That's why he's still responding so much, because he's used to it and I believe even he would feel the gap once you apply NC, and may even begin to think more about you. The NC period, and the chances of getting back together with your ex is highly dependent on how meaningful the relationship was, and how your ex takes the realization that he's potentially 'lost' you.

      Reply
  • J

    I have kids from a divorce and am forced to have contact with my spouse. How can the no-contact rule apply to me when I need to have contact with him because of the kids?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC does not mean absolutely no contact. Under these circumstances, it's still fine to remain in contact with your ex, but keep exchange of messages strictly between the topic at hand and do not engage in small talk other than what is necessary.

      Reply
  • Kali

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, almost 9 months ago. At the time our relationship was toxic & reaching a bad place. I initially just wanted a break. Not break up. But he wasn’t for it so I ended things even though I didn’t want too. I didn’t sleep with anyone else or meet other guys. I simply was “doing me” when we first ended. Within a month I knew this man was really the love of my life & wanted him back. At this point we barely spoke & he started seeing someone new. When I confronted him he lied of course! even tho we werent together. So basically he cut me off, started seeing someone new, and I felt like shit for being the one who suggested the break in the first place - this didn’t go as planned. So within the first 6 months I did a lot of chasing. Begging. Crying. An all that other crazy shit ex’s do. I felt stupid asf & decided in November to cut all ties with him. This is when I started the no contact rule the first time. I changed or deleted everything he could contact or even look at my pictures on. Phone number, email address, deleted all social media & even changed my address on my id becuz we had previously lived together. After 1 month of no contact I opened a brand new Facebook page. Within 4 weeks of having it he msg me out the blue asking how I am. We hook up on Xmas eve and have sex. We end up arguing & I get emotional so he tells me to leave an I just do. No begging. No chasing him. 5 mins later he msg “he’s sorry” & he shouldn’t of made me come over knowing how confusing it will make things. Ok. After about 2 weeks of trying to keep open communication with him I realize I can’t & it’s emotionally hurting all other relationships in my life becuz I’m angry & upset all the time. I’m off balance. I start the no contact rule again on Jan 8. I delete my instagram as that’s the only line of communication we have. On Jan 23 he emails my new email (idk how he got it) asking some random question. I don’t respond. 1 month passes an I see him with the girl at a party. I play it cool & don’t look at him all night. I leave before the party ends. Yesterday Feb 23 this man shows up at my house. He’s not the most liked in my household so it was very bold of him to knock on my door. I answer & he’s standing there. He says hi & that he wants to talk ? I tell him I have company & he can’t come in .... he looks hurt and kinda just says his bad and runs off. I feel so confused. I msg him 30 mins later and tell Him he threw me off by coming to my house when we haven’t spoken in Almost 2 months now. I let him come back over - idky! We talk but I’m not doing the typical clingy I miss you why won’t you be with me mess. I talked about my life & what I got going on. I asked about his life. He answered every question I asked even about the new girl. He told me their not serious & it’s just to pass the time. He also had tried to reach me through a mutual friend 5 days previous but she never gave me the msg. We chill for about 2 hours and yes - we end up having sex. At first I told him no becuz I didn’t want him to have control over me. Afterwards I initiate sex with him and I dont make a fuss when hes ready to leave. All I ask for is a kiss before he goes & he gives in. I text him about 30’mins later - drive safe & goodnight. & he msg me back goodnight. Now its the next morning & I feel unsure - uneasy. I can tell he’s being very cautious with me too. I think no contact again is what I’ll end up doing until he reaches out.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on how he feels towards you at the moment. It seems like he has feelings for you still but is perhaps cautious for whatever reasons after the last break up. He is also dating someone else (which he says isn't serious), so there is a high likelihood things don't work out with them. If you feel that by seeing him, negative feelings would come back and you would get affected again, then perhaps NC seems like the appropriate path to follow, but if you think you're capable of handling things without becoming too emotional, and even being his friend again (first), then take it a step at a time to see where it goes.

      Reply
  • John

    So my ex and i dated for about 9 months.. We went on backpacking trips, vacations, both of our families really liked us together. Our relationship was also both of our longest relationship by far. (Her previous was around 3 months mine was 6.) The last month or so of our relationship i could feel us drifting apart and had a few talks about it until we finally broke up, it was pretty mutual, we both needed space at that point. I went no contact for a month and finally reached out to her and got a positive response, from that point we talked casually, about what weve been up to, hikes weve been on, and just joked around. We spoke on the phone the other day and i made her laugh and we told stories and i could tell in her voice she was happy. it sounded like the woman i first met and not the distant one the last month... the next day i see she deleted one of our pictures from her instagram and the day after that when we talk she seemed distant again. im just confused, i was planning on asking her out for coffee or a walk in the park soon but now i dont know if i should.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps try giving her a little more space again. There's a real possibility that she enjoyed the talk with you, and decided to go onto Instagram for memory sake but ended up getting reminded of the past - resulting in her attitude towards you as well as the deleted pictures.

      Reply
    • John

      Thanks... i was thinking about doing that for a week or two. its been a few days already so ill keep this going a little longer. We had texted for hours the day before and had a really positive phone call so i was under the impression things were going well... maybe things were going too fast, its been about 2.5 weeks since we first had contact after the breakup.

      Reply
  • Juan

    My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me on January 31. We saw each other a couple of times and maintained communication. The reason was he was unhappy, had lost interest and that he had changed too many things about himself to be with me. The times we saw each other he seemed really sad, and I apologized for everything I might have done to hurt him, and the understanding I had about everything that went on. The first time he seemed hurt that I had gotten out to the movies, bought myself a musical instrument and was making friends. Last time we saw each other (February 14) he said that he had this fantasy about us because of shared interests, but he was afraid of trusting again. He also asked why I didn't took better care of how vulnerable and trusting he had been. That night I started No Contact, though he has always seen what Ive posted on Snapchat (I changed the privacy settings on every social media platform after that). A friend told me he saw his profile on a dating app, listing that he was available for anything except a relationship. Last night (February 17) he sent me something through Instagram, which I ignored. Based on what he has said, I know he is hurting a lot, though he keeps really busy, but I also believe that we still have a chance, based on what he said about being afraid of trusting. Any takes, comments, advice on this?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on whether his trust issues are directed at you in particular or just in general. Work towards understanding the root of his problem. If he is afraid of trusting again, perhaps once NC is completed, you should figure out how best to help him.

      Reply
  • Juan

    Hi! So my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me on January 31. He picked me up from work and had all my things already in his car, ready to take me home. The reasons he said was that he was being complacent with himself, he had lost interest and was feeling fulfilled and happy. I asked to turn off the car and tried talking to him but he had put many walls. We saw each other a couple of days after to talk about what had happened, nothing had changed, though I could see he was a bit of a mess, he said he had changed many things about himself throughout our relationship (he is more of a free spirit), and I told him that the breakup was unnecessary and that we couldve talked over all those things and made any adjustment needed. He confessed he had though about another guy, whom he was seeing right before going out with me. He was interested in him then, but forgot about him once I came into the picture. He had already seen him, though just to talk. He still said that we were broken up. Last 2 weeks we've kept texting, sending each other songs, and different things via Facebook and Instagram. Last Saturday we went out, and though I wanted to keep everything casual and not talk about the breakup or the relationship, he did. I apologized for everything I might have done wrong. After, we went to the playground we went on our first date, and tried to have a bit of fun. We talked again, and I told him the same as before, he said the only thing he could offer was a friendship. At the end we slept together, and then he took me home. He seemed collected and ok with what had happened. We kept texting and such, and made plane to see each other again, multiples times during the week. We saw each other for lunch, and he talked about how I made him feel like im not interested in all the things that he talks about or wants to say. To all this I apologized, once again. Last day we saw each other was on Valentines. He was really uncomfortable, and asked to cut it short. We talked though, he said he has/had this fantasy/ilussion about us because we have so many shared interests and traits, but that he was afraid of trusting himself again, because he had changed so many things about himself to make me feel safe. He said that it was some sort of chance what we were doing. We kissed, and said that he didnt feel nothing, but he didnt wanted to say what he felt or any other things he was thinking of after that. He said that we have some good pros, and that we werent that good in other things, and that he felt like he could be himself around me. He asked for space and time right before we parted. That night I texted him that I had gotten home so he wouldnt worry and immediately started the no contact rule.

    I believe he still sees something with us, but is really confused and afraid. He knows that Im the kind of partner that gives it his all in a relationship. So Im just waiting for him to heal, and forget all those bad feelings, before starting again. Im incredibly afraid of all this, he hasnt tried to contact (I dont believe he will), and has posted things of how he is a different person now, and how relationships shouldnt be forced.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Under these circumstances, if he feels strongly enough for you, he would eventually come back after having some time to think about things and realize he still feels strongly for you. It's true how relationships shouldn't be forced, but if someone is worth it, we often wouldn't mind changing for the other person because we want to see that person happy.

      Reply
  • Janet

    I had this on and off thing with this girl for a year, she confessed her feelings in the January 2017 and not realising how I also felt, I didn't give her the response she wanted. In fact I thought she was too young for me. Then what happened was she started dating this other girl, after realising she had drifted further away from me, I then realised I indeed had feelings for her, in fact I was in love with her. She thought I was only chasing her because she was in a relationship and gave me a very hard time about it. After 3 months she broke up with the girl. I stood by her throughout the failed relationship. At this point I was hurt and going through things and then wasn't ready to be with her, she then told me that I knew where I stood with her. We met up a few times after, just as friends, casually. Eventually I got through my troubles and I was ready to reconcile, (probably 2 months down the line) and start things up again, I thought we were on good terms, I thought she was waiting, as it turned out she started seeing someone long distance, she told me the girl visiting was just a friend, I later found out it wasn't just a friend and they had been chatting since they were 14 and 12 respectively, she's 25. Anyway, a week after this girl left after visiting her she still wanted to meet up with me. We slept together twice and then she went cold and told me she was going up to visit this girl for this girls sisters wedding on the 17th Jan - 24th Jan 2018. She went for just over 7 days. I adopted the no contact rule for at least 2 weeks after she left and when she returned, I was hurt and I was down.

    I broke the no contact rule last week Thursday and she said she really missed me and thought I would never speak to her, she apologised for all she had done and said she appreciated that I was speaking to her again, she also mentioned one of her friends had seen me out and wanted her to come through because I was there. She was still seeing this girl in the other city. We started texting sexually and spoke of the future and traveling together, we both said the sex was good and she said it was good because there were lots of feelings involved, a few days later she went cold. She told me she had spoken to an ex and realised that she had commitment issues and was really into this girl she was having a long distance relationship with. She then also told me her parents would never accept our relationship as she is white and I am mixed race. Which granted comes with a multitude of challenges but this never bothered her in the beginning. The girl she is seeing is white, but she won't introduce her to her parents either. She tells me she wants us to remain friends and develop a relationship like she has with her best friend. Why would she want to remain friends with me? Do you think she's confused by what she feels for me? Why would she engage in that sort of conversation and then go cold towards me. She sent me a voicenote saying "I've been feeling weird lately and I don't want you to feel weird, I don't know how to explain it, trying to find the right words". Then she send me this long voicenote saying that we wouldn't work and she wanted to be friends and she felt bad about all she said because the girl she was seeing sent her Valentines gifts. I also sent her flowers, which in hindsight was a mistake, knowing where I stood with her, although the conversations we had really confused me.

    Yesterday she said “It wasn’t like they were planning on getting married, she had other plans too for herself and was applying for work in Africa” I didn’t understand why she told me this. In December when I found out about the other girl she told me they weren’t together, they lived in different cities and they were just friends, I don’t know why she lied to me. She told me it was because she didn’t want to lose me and knew how I would react. When I got upset she then said that she thinks she just wants to be single and not date anyone, but she continued to keep things going with this girl. It’s been tough, because I really love her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She might simply be living through her emotions, and acts/speaks directly based on how she feels at that particular moment. She may have certain feelings towards you, but is confused because she likes more than one person at the moment and seems to have stronger feelings of passion towards the other girl. Under these circumstances, it might be easier to walk away, because she might end up lying to you more or hurting you in an ironic attempt not to hurt you by keeping painful truths from you.

      Reply
  • Winfield

    Hello,

    i've been reading this website for over 3 days now and I've got a bit of a situation here.

    Here's how the breakup happened (2 weeks ago):
    We both went together at some kind of restaurant with a friend of hers, I didn't really want to go out but made an effort to do it, and I showed pretty quickly that I felt out of place there.

    So when we went back to the car, she drove me home instead of going back to her place.

    A few minutes later I sent a message saying that I had a rough week, i felt out of place in this world blablabla and then, she sent me a tons of walls of text to point out that I never make some effort, that she's some kinda stopping me from achieving my goals (before I met her, i was about to go and live in Japan for a year, but postponed it), that I really act like someone who hates everyone etc.

    Everything was 99% fine BEFORE this argument, and it all came out of nowhere.

    Well anyway, fast forward to the wednesday after (she had blocked me for 2 days before), I tell her on facebook that I miss her, and would get back to square one with her, start anew.

    She said it was a bad idea because she didn't want to hurt me more, that it'd be more painful.

    So I said "we can't just burn bridges like this after all the good times we had. At least, we could be friends", she replied "I don't know,I'm just trying to listen to my head instead of my heart, it's going to hurt just once. Please take care of you". So I said "I hope you'll find happiness" she replied "you too".

    Now another fast forward to friday, we agreed to meet up at a sushi restaurant, we spoke like nothing ever happened, but she seemed a bit cold and distant during diner.

    After diner, she drove me home, I tell her "I missed being in your company", she replied "that's cute".

    Then the day after, I asked her out for the afternoon, and she kinda freaked, asking me "what do you want from me? It makes me ill at ease" then I reconfirmed that I just wanted to be friends "I'll think about it...".

    The sunday came, and I asked her about her new appartment, she said she has no internet so I told her "if you want, I can come and check it". She agreed, so she came and picked me up, she was a bit distant again, but we talked a lot.

    When on the way back home, I went to the petrol station for cigarettes, she came along and wanted some eggs. She told me what she was going to cook for diner and I jokingly said "uuuuh,I'm hungry now!!" and she replied "Do you want to come over for diner? I don't know if it'll be tasty". So i agreed. We had diner, I enjoyed it, we laughed and she drove me back home, kisses on the cheeks, "take care" etc.

    Now, fast forward to this week: a bit of contact everyday about random stuff, but in her messages she seems a bit distant again, yet she initiated contact once, to show me some sushis (hinting at eating them together).

    Then thursday, she was looking for some wood stuff to decorate her appartment, I told her "I know a place, wanna go there together after work?" Her:"Why not, if you have no plans after work". So we went there, found nothing and then on the way back I asked "Would you fancy sushis or maybe a Kebab?", she was hesitating...then she said "ok but I have to do some stuff at my place first", so we went there, talked a lot about random things again, went to the kebab place, ate at her place, and for the first time since the break up, we had a lot of eye contacts, that's when she was talking about a tv show she loves.

    Anyway,Saturday (yesterday) I went to her work,because she offered me to fix something (she fixes stuff and sells stuff), so I went there, by foot (50mins and it was a hot day). She seemed a bit distant at first when I entered the shop, then she became a bit cooler. But I know that these days she's super stressed for something, she didn't tell me what but I told her "don't worry, everything's gonna be fine" and she smiled and said "ha thank you for your positivism".

    Anyway, she drove me back home, kisses on the cheeks again,my hand wassuper close to her arm though. Before leaving the car I told her "if you don't any plan this afternoon or tonight, let me know if you want to meet"
    She said "yeah, i have a lot of things to do so I don't know." and she drove off.

    No messages since, I'm trying the no contact period for at least 2 days now.

    Long story short: I appeared super needy after the break up, trying to understand her and what she really wants and means by "I don't want to hurt you more than I did". During the break up converstation I said that she kinda hurt me once so I don't know.

    I'm changing some habits, I started cooking for real,trying to keep a positive mindset as well.

    She didn't really refuse to meet with me, so I think that's a good start?

    Thanks a lot guys!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The fact that she's remained so open with you, and treated you with so much positivity despite the break up is an extremely good start. I suggest not overstepping your boundaries and making her feel suffocated, as it may begin to push her away. The statement she made on not wanting to hurt you showed potential guilt and confusion, and her constant distance at the start is probably due to her internal struggles whenever she isn't with you. However, as ironic as it may sound, sometimes we need to go through that internal battle to come up with a firm resolve towards the situation (whether positive or negative). If not, these feelings of guilt and wanting to walk away may always surface whenever she feels threatened or upset.

      Reply
  • Mia

    My ex and I started off pretty well until he would always drive recklessly with no consideration that I was in the car with him, we got pulled over a few times almost went to jail , and caused me to go to jail, and then we ended up staying together due to my blindess. He would bare text me and give me a lot of excuses on why he would barely text, he would say at work ,well he worked two jobs, but that's the side point.mAfter my 20th birthday he wanted to treat me to dinner. He needed a ride home I wasn't able to loan him a ride home, he wanted to do a stupid thing(steal a charger from Walmart) I thought it was a bad idea. I told him I was willing to buy it for his phone. He got us caught up with stealing when I had no part of it. I didn't even encourage himto steal, and I ended up with the charges, he didn't. He said he would pay for the ticket, but he did not. I ended up losing the amount of 300$ worth of the charges after he stole the phone charger. He didn't contact me eversince, and after Christmas he barely wished me a merry Christmas and I did not get shit from him. He asked me if when he could come see me again and loan me the money back but I chose not to see him again, My mkther said shed be willing to get my money back from his house, but he did not tell me she could. He gotangry and cussed me outand said things that hurt my feelings, I been broke and struggling with paying my bills as a college student, I have not heard from him since, do you think it was never meant to be or do you think he still has some type of feelings for me, I haven't heard from him eversince our breakup.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think you should seriously consider what you're saying, and whether this relationship is toxic for you. He may not be worth it if he's getting you into trouble with the law, not even being supportive when you're in need of help, seems to only care about himself and does what he wants to do with no consideration for you.

      Reply
  • Peter

    My ex broke up with me a few days ago. We were together for 3 years and she has 2 daughters that I see as my own. Even though they aren't my biological daughters I see them as my own. I'm hurting so much inside and I can't eat, think straight, or even get up to go to work. I had problems with drinking in the past and she helped me get thru my problems. I cheated on her once within the first year we were together and she came back and forgave me. I have dealt with an anger problem ever since I was a child. I have yelled at her and I cussed at her and I even talked down on her at times. I would apologize and we would be good for a bit then I would mess things up again. She admitted she had her moods at times but I was something else. She said that she does and will always have a spot for me in her heart but can't be with me anymore. She said that even tho we won't be together that she still loves me. She said sometimes it's best to walk away and save herself. Now she has blocked me on IG, fb, and Snap chat. But she keeps blocking and unblocking me from her cell phone. I admit I have been blowing up her phone a lot and I can't help it because I have so much love for her and I regret treating her the way I did in the past and for my actions. What should I do? I'm so scared.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, you need to deal with your anger issues to avoid unintentionally abusing her (verbally or physically) or even anyone you may potentially get together with in the future. You may also want to seek help and see a doctor if you really find yourself unable to think straight, eat or get out of bed. If she says that she'll always have a spot for you, then you still have a chance with her, but you should first work on the emotional issues you face in order to make the second chance you get count.

      Reply
  • Mary Beth

    I broke up with my ex January 7th. I heard back from him the next day saying that he was going to be out near me. I live in the San Fernando Valley. He lives in Long Beach. I did contact him back, but after that I was doing no contact. Just last week, he contacted me asking how I've been, I replied. Then he replied the next day asking if I had been seeing anyone else recently. I had but that guy turned out to be a jerk. He said he had hooked up with someone. That one hurt, so I asked if he wanted something or if he just wanted to make me feel worse. The next day he said he was sorry. That he never meant to hurt me. He asked if I was home. I said yes, but I had a lunch date with someone. He said "Ok babe" and gave me a kissy face. Nothing Saturday or Sunday. Then on Monday he asked what I was doing over a text. Within a few minutes we were talking on the phone. He said he missed me. It's been 3 days. What do I do?????

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you still have feelings for him and want to see where this leads to, you could always continue with the conversations since he seems to be leading.

      Reply
  • Katie

    My ex is a complete yo-yo (that’s the best word for him). We broke up about 1 1/2 months ago and has been in constant contact since Christmas Day. He says they’re just generic and that I reply to them (on Snapchat). He says he wants to be just friends but I can’t shake the feeling that that’s not the truth. I’ve been honest about how I feel but he has always struggled with that side of things. I asked him why he wanted to be friends and he completely ignored the question. I don’t know what to do to be honest because I clearly don’t want to be friends, but I just am really lost about the situation. I thought he was showcasing signs that he does still like me but he’s telling me different.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Regardless, you should start off as friends first, and take things slow. Treat him first as a friend, while slowly trying to work your way up to something more, but try to be casual about things, because pressuring him to make a decision may only lead to pushing him further away since he sounds like someone who doesn't deal with confrontation well.

      Reply
  • Steve Branch

    My ex and I broke up in middle of October 2017...Arguments and not being able to handle arguments with her were main cause. We didnt speak until December 18, 2017. I confessed my mistakes to her, my family, her family, my friends and even apologized on social media that I made a mistake. However she's seeing some now. So quick was my initial response to myself. But since then, she texts me here and there tells me she miss's me, loves me, thinks about making love to me. Of coarse I love her so I tell her I love her. She tells me she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. I don't text her first, she's texts me about every other day on average and I just respond but I never text first. I love her to death and would love her back. We were together for three years before the breakup and been through so many things. I keep busy I work out and play sports but I do think of her everyday. What should I do ? Move on? She's still with the other guy but she remains confused and texts me things. Please reply...I would love to know what I can do...please reply on my email address in case I don't know how to get back on here !!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you truly love her, then just be there for her. Since she misses you and says she still loves you, it shows that her current date is probably a rebound, but she's confused because she has already emotionally invested into the new relationship. You just have to ensure that she sees you in a more positive light than her date, and you should be able to get her back.

      Reply
  • Cyn

    I'm in a relationship with kids..but there came a time when our relationship seems to end.then there was this guy I had relationship with.fell in love with each other.he accepted that I'm still into another relationship.in the 8 month,,,he started to move away from.blocked me.didnt show up for two months.then this December he showed up again...my guts telling me that he still loves...he's been asking if I have bf already...does this mean he realize that he really loves me and can't live without me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Either that or it could mean something else didn't work out and he decided to come back. Take note and just be aware of his intentions before you continue talking to him.

      Reply
  • Danielle

    My ex and I broke up almost two months ago because of my choice. I made a huge mistake and have begged her back to the point she says she never wants to talk to me again. The only way we communicate is through email where she continues to tell me I did her wrong and ended us. Do you think I can ever salvage this relationship in any way?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to give her some space to cool off because she is probably upset with you still. You should try contacting her again at a later date to find out how she's doing. If she's more receptive you to by then, it would be easier to proceed but if not, you might have to seriously consider walking away from this if she doesn't want to give you a chance.

      Reply
  • Kulani

    I break up with my ex on 27th of November, now I am regretting my mistake I want her back. I never call or text her since I break up with her even her she didn't call or text me after our break up, I think is because I talk her that I have a new girlfriend and even sent her my pic with that girl but she wasn't my girlfriend. Now I want her I don't know what to do

    Reply
  • Sanya Varma

    My ex broke up with me on Monday because we got in a fight and I said that if wants to leave he can, and he did. I regret everything I said and I met with him on Wednesday and apologized profusely, and he said he'd think about it. He got back to me a day later and said that he doesn't want anything to do with me and I ended up begging and pleading and the conversation ended with him telling me to leave him alone. What do I do? I love him and want to work on myself but he doesn't believe I can. I haven't spoken to him since but we used to share each other's location and he hasn't removed me from that or any other social media.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, go about No Contact as it will give both parties time to reset any negative emotions towards each other and for you to at least make some changes as you've said you would.

      Reply
  • Ashley

    My BF broke up with me 3 months ago, saying we are too different and he was tired of fighting with me, we needed to stop this relationship so that we could both think about it. One week later, i met him saying i was wrong being selfish and overthinking and i would change, but he said he didn't want to go on with me coz his feelings for me changed and in the past he tried to get back with his ex but it ended in sorrow, he didn't want that to happen again.
    Then we met for 3 times (I asked him for some help as a friend), and he showed that he really cared, we talked, he kissed my forehead, he touched my cheek. I texted him and he replied the way he used to. But after that, he has been keeping silence. I can't find out any other excuses to meet him or text him.
    I am not sure what to do next. All of my friends told me to let go and move on. But that's not I want now. I am really confused now. Please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Ashley,

      Although your heart does not want to move on yet, you have to ask yourself honestly if his actions to you back then was because of his feelings for you, force of habit from the past, or if he wanted closure. This would determine how you should proceed. Personally, if you're still very affected by him and the breakup, it may be a better idea to start the no contact rule first in order to regain your composure and give yourself some space to recover before approaching him again in the future. It might also give you a reason to initiate contact then, since there has been some time since you last spoke.

      Reply
  • Jason

    So my girlfriend and I broke up a week ago we have had small talk here and there. It wasn't a bad break up just a misunderstanding and I accused her of something stupid when I knew better. Anyways she hasn't taken me off social media and has messaged me first here and there even sent me a selfie on thanksgiving when she was out of town. I have not brought up the relationship or anything pertaining to it other than admitting my fault and telling her that I realize my mistake and I manned up and accept her Choice. It does bother to not know where I stand or at all. I started doing things on my own such as gym I also play guitar for a hard rock band and gig often, do art and keep myself busy. I love her to no ends but something tells me she isn't completely ready to let go as she still keeps myself and my family on social media and talks to me randomly. Am I handling this correctly? I want to win her back but I am not weak either.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Jason, I think you're handling it pretty accurately as how I would have suggested in the first place. It's good to keep yourself occupied so you don't overthink and it's also good that you have manned up and accepted her choice instead of begging her to stay. I think she will slowly warm up to you once more, just have to give her time.

      Reply
  • Anne

    I came here because after not hearing from the gentleman that I was seeing for a few months due to no contact, he randomly sent me a message. A drunk 1am message asking if I want to hang out. I didn't respond until 12 hours later due to being busy and said sure. No response back, fine. No contact has really improved my life and I'm extremely happy right now. No response back did set me back a bit emotionally but for only one day! Next weekend, same thing but earlier in the night. I didn't respond and shut my phone off and responded the next morning. No response back, fine. But this time, he was now stuck in my mind for a few days. I didn't reach out until recently a few times establishing friendly banter and he's been responding immediately. I tread lightly because he's seeing someone now and I'm don't want to cause drama but it's nice that we finally got over the BS and re-establishing communication. Baby steps and it's been taking months. Because no contact was so beneficial to my own well-being, if things never pick up between us romantically, no contact made okay with that outcome. I do care about him a lot of course and love just hearing from him and knowing he's doing well.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great Anne, you're a good testament to how NC works but many people are just afraid of doing it as they worry that their ex would forget them or they're scared to take the step. It doesn't also work in the favor that you'll definitely get back together with your ex, but at least you grow as a person and would eventually learn to be happy without your ex partner.

      Reply
  • Laura G .

    My ex broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago . It was a horrible break up . I blew him up at times while he said he was done then when I tried to be done he would do the same to me.. Finally one day he just said he’s had enough but I was so hurt I blew him up and said some really mean and hurtful things. He changed his number; I even heard he’s seeing his ex but I’m not sure about that .

    He still uses his WhatsApp , I sent him a message saying a simple “hey” he gets on everyday but he didn’t open the message until two days later and didn’t reply ..

    Do I have a chance ? Should I contact him again ?if so then what should I say ? Or do I have no choice but to move on ?

    Is him not blocking me on WhatsApp a good sign ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Laura,

      Since it was a horrible break up, I suggest taking time apart to give him space to let go of negative emotions he may harbor against you at the moment. It is a good sign that he didn't block you. However, do not be pushy with your messages to him or he may end up blocking you. I suggest applying the no contact rule before contacting him again in the future if you want to.

      Reply
  • Queen

    I and my bf broke up a month ago, I still love him tho but I kept my cool with the no contact rule. I was shocked to see his calls even though I broke up with him, he likes my status on Facebook and all that...So I didnt pick his call and he sent a text saying he just wanna check up on me but I ignored d text. The next day, I couldn't hold it, I had to reply him by saying thanks for checking up and hop he is good too...I donno if he want us to get back together or he just misses me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      How long are you into the NC period? If it's been around 30 days, then perhaps you could continue the conversation if he replies you from that previous text and slowly figure out what his intentions are.

      Reply
  • christian

    hey me and my ex broke up about 2 weeks ago and we were together for a month but we were on and off but now shes saying that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me and she likes someone else that she can't be with what do I do!?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Christian,

      Perhaps you could have a talk with her and find out why she does not want to be with you and see if it's a salvageable situation. If no, then it would be better for you to be fair to yourself and move on.

      Reply
  • sonari

    hey , me and my ex broke up 4 years ago but we are bestfriends till now and i still have feelings for him , we hangout sometimes he always stares at me non- stop i tried to get him back for years but hes like he doesnt wanna date me anymore we even kiss tho... and he hasnt dated since we broke up... hes confusing me sometimes he says i miss u , he just gives me mixed signs.. does he still love me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Sonari,

      Perhaps you could follow this article and see if it helps give you an idea on what to do. If it doesn't perhaps you should sit down and talk to him and be honest about your feelings towards him and ask him directly why he does not want to date you.

      Reply
  • Kaveen Prabhu

    Hi,
    I have Hid Past from her...Like..I flirted with her friend years before I even Know her...That friend introduced me to her recently and we were so much in love and I even Asked her to Marry me and My parents accepted it and They are supportive
    Month Before That mutual friend and Me had a fight and She revealed all my secrets to my Girlfriend...She got devastated and She told She never Wanted to see Me again...And that friend also told Many lies about me too and Moreover My girl's parents are Not okay with Love because of Thier status and dignity issues.
    She told that she Never want to see me again in life but she checks my snap stories and location
    and She became friends with my Bestfriend to know about me.
    I really want her...I will workhard and Make her parents accept me ...But I wamt her to comeback
    She always tells that I treat her like Queen but I broke her trust and betrayed her so she doesn't want me
    I am so depressed and I am devastated.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Kaveen,

      I'm sorry to hear that. For the time being, do give her some space to calm down. She won't listen to what you have to say at this point because she's still affected by what has happened. However, based on what you've said, I think she still does care and love you just that you probably have to give her some time before trying to explain what happened.

      Reply
  • Angie

    Hi my and my ex have been off and on for two years the longest was a month . But recently this last month has been so much drama it all started about a month ago when he said he needed a break I was hurt so I continued to contact him very day he got sooo annoyed by it and told me we were done for good and to move on and leave him alone & blocked me . So I did . But one day he texted me and we started talking like normal for a couple of days .. but all of a sudden the police showed up at his house and said there was a report on him about domestic violence of course he thought it was me since he broke up with me ... everything went down hill he basically told me again he was done and to leave him alone and he said he hated me (not the first time) .. that was a week ago . If I call or text him he’ll answer or text back but it won’t be nice but he’ll still answer . Which is weird because normally he’ll just block me but he didn’t . This time it honestly feels like he’s done for good but I can’t really say because I’m basing it off emotions.

    My questions are . Why didn’t he block me this time ? and why is he still responding and answering (cold messages) if he hates me and is done with me ?

    Also we are so off and on how would I know if this time he is done for good?

    I’m now on day 4 of NC .

    Reply
  • Louise

    Hi there,
    mine is a tricky situation. I had depression for many years and whilst my partner was so supportive I was too wrapped up in my own issued to realise he too had depression and constantly repressed his feelings allowing them to fester. The past year my ex had to live away for work purposes and suffered lonliness and did not cope very well at all. I myself did not cope, I was stressed, pregnant and was constantly negative and admittedly was a horrible person to be around.
    We had an argument a month before he was due back and he said that he was done, and that was that. I was hysterical and feel that I had pushed him away further. He has since moved into a family member’s house.
    This was all over 3 months ago, our second child is now 3 weeks old and we share a 6 year old together too.
    Today after all this time he finally opened up and I now understand the breakdown. I was not supportive in his work or his depression, and found out that his own depression had intensified to the point where he said he doesnt feel connected to anyone including his family, but only has feelings for his children. I had caused him a lot of stress in his career path and I was often jelous as I was lost in my own career and got angry over this and other pathetic little things.
    It’s great that he felt he could finally put down some of his shield to share his feelings with me. He ended the conversation by saying that he will always care for me more so because I am the mother of his children and he wants to be there for me. But I feel that it is over for ever, as he said he is going to save up for his own place and speaking in ways that highlight that we are over and that is that.
    I don’t know what to do or how to attempt to rectify all of my wrong doings.
    I have spent the past 3 months, though incredibly difficult, picking myself up and changing the negative factors about myself. Loving myself and throwing myself into fully focusing on my child and pregnancy. I don’t know if this relationship can ever be re established. What would you advice? Thank you.
    Louise

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Louise,

      Depression can be very hard to deal with when you are trying to get your ex back. Unless he is at a good place for himself and he realizes that you are at a good place too, it's unlikely you will get back together. I think you should continue working on yourself. Continue loving yourself and becoming a better version of yourself. Encourage him to do so as well. As you both grow, there is a chance it will work out in the future. But you should always be prepared for the worst. Read this article for a more detailed plan on getting your ex boyfriend back.

      Reply
  • Danique

    Hey kevin,
    so i was in a relationship with a girl for about 2 years.
    and all of a sudden she wanted to break up with me since i was "holding her back",
    ive always been supportive and have always been there for her.
    thing is we live in the same house and i do see her now and then,
    and sometimes i concede to my urges and ask her to come drink some coffee with me.
    and she does, yet she keeps on saying she doesnt want a relationship anymore but has to show me how guys are flirting with her.(i know this is mostly on myself for asking her to hang out in the first place but what does it mean.
    we have been through a lot we almost had a kid twice, and she has a really tough background.
    what im trying to say is she says she does not want to be my girlfriend anymore but she does want to spend time with me when i ask her..
    what do i do, does she still love me..

    Reply
  • Holly

    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a month in a half ago, he had wanted to be with me for years but I never said yes until now. The reason why he broke up with me: he said that he loved me but didn't fall in love with me while we were together, then later said he realized he was already in love with someone else. Fast forward to a month in a half after the break-up, and he texts me saying how he's realized how he was the happiest he's ever been when he was with me, how I was his best relationship, how he couldn't stop thinking about me after the break-up but was afraid to say something to me. Basically, he was apologizing and practically begging for me to give him a second chance. One of my responses was how he can't just dump me and when it doesn't work out with the other person to just come running back to me, he responded saying how it wasn't like that at all.
    I don't trust him like I did before and because of that I don't believe he's being honest and truthful about his intentions. However, I wanted a second opinion from an outside point of view so I hope you can share with me your thoughts and opinions on this. Is he being truthful? Or is it just an act?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Holly,

      You did the right thing by refusing him when he came back. If you are not sure whether or not he is being truthful, then you should give him a chance to prove himself. Tell him you need some space and do no contact for a week or two. After that go out on a couple of dates with him and see how he acts. From what he said till now, it does seem like an act and it seems like he is coming from a place of desperation. If he is still like this when you go out, there is a good chance he doesn't mean what he said and you should remove him from your life.

      Reply
  • Lilly

    Hi,
    so I broke up with my ex almost 4 weeks ago, and even though it was like our last goodbye he texts me cute stuff and all of a sudden we start fighting or idk. So my question is, is this a good sign or a bad one, cuz I really wanna text him first now and meet up with him and talk...?

    Reply
  • Charlotte

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend and I were dating for a year and a half and about 3 weeks ago he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and a week ago he broke up with me. I was very surprised when he told he didn't love me anymore and everybody around us was just as shocked. We were so good with each other, the only problems we had was my jealousy sometimes and his drinking when we'd go out. Besides that, we had great communication, lots of fun, and future plans, like moving in the house he's buying right now. We picked the house together, chose furnitures and everything. A month ago he even told me that he sees his future with me and one week later he says he hasn't been in love with me for a few months now. We haven't talked for 4 days now but every time I post something on Snapchat he is one of the first people to watch, if not the first for the most part. We're still friends on fb. I'm not planning on talking to him soon even though I want to. Should I let him see what I do? By no contact does that mean deleting him on all social media? I know we are meant to be together but I want him to realize this on his own. Please help! Thank you!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Charlotte,

      It might be a good idea to remove him from social media or just stay away from posting anything for a while. Focus on yourself and becoming a better version of yourself. Read this article.

      Reply
  • Chloe

    Hi,
    Me and my ex broke up about a year and a half ago after a 4 year relationship. However, we still meet up occasionally and everything seems great when we are together. Then he will stop talking to me and say he doesn't want anything to happen between us anymore. He blocked me on all social media but will often unblock me and add me back on things etc. I am so confused on what to do?

    Reply
  • June

    My ex of 4 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she said she doesn't feel the same. I realized that she was fed up with my partying habits and wanted me to mature. She gave me a change before we broke up, but my feelings and pain came out when I drank again. Then it officially ended two weeks ago. I did the no contact for 7 days, and then she texted me on day 8! She started asking questions about the logistics of a future road trip before a wedding we were supposed to attend; it's 4 months down the road. Questions like how much the flights were, should she get her own room, etc......I politely responded that she doesn't need to pay me back, and that I still plan on doing the roadtrip to the wedding, and she's more then welcome to come still. My mentality is to respond to the questions and continue with no contact and focus on me.

    Question: Did I handle it right?
    Question 2: I'm sticking with no contact, but is she asking this as an excuse to talk to me? The event is four months out.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey June.

      You did handle it right.

      You can tell her your intentions of doing no contact. Just say that you want some space and time before you can speak to her comfortably.

      Reply
  • Rachel

    Me and my ex broke up about a week ago and he says he still cares and gets very jealous around guys and is protective but says he doesn't want to date me again? He still really wants to be friends but how can I win him back? He broke up with me because his feelings weren't the same as before

    Reply
  • bad situation

    Hi Kevin,
    I am in such a bad situation. I have been seeing this man, who turned out to be the loverall of my life aND soulmate, for four years. He has bent over backwards for me in every way, nothing was wrong with our relationship except one thing - I was and am in an arranged marriage. I know this makes me seem like a horrible person and him too. Anyhow, during the first two years he asked on various occasions, hundreds of times, for me to tell him I would be wit him, even one day, and I didn't have to say when. Every time,I would start with "in my heart and soul" and could never finish with a solid answer. I was so petrified of how I would leave. I love this man with all of my being. I don't want to live on this earth another day without him but instead want to live the rest of my life out with him. The problem is instead of breaking up with me which he says he couldn't do because he can't live without me either, is he dated someone for the last year and a half and now they are engaged. I found out indirectly. Sometimes he says he will leave her if I guarantee and make an action plan to be with him, but when I recently called over the weekend and told I was in his neighborhood looking for an apt, he was mean and I felt he thought I was pressuring him. He obviously has feelings for her too though he says he can never love anyone like he loves me.

    What are the chances of us getting back together? I started NC a week ago and he tried to call once which I didn't answer. We work together too, different depts, and I am interviewing as I can't be there if he goes through with the marriage. I plan on moving out soon.

    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      If you are unhappy with your marriage, you should end it despite what happens with this guy. Even if you don't get him back, you will be free to date again and find someone you can truly be happy with. Heck, you will be happier alone than in a marriage that was forced upon you.

      Once you end the marriage, you can contact him again and let him know what has happened.

      Moreover, if you feel you can't live without this guy, you should get professional help immediately.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi me and my ex just broke up a week ago I talked to her after the break up and she told me she was moving in order to be far from me to not have no contact at all with me she tells me I love you but I'm not in love with you after everything I done did to her no trust in her always bringing up her past and this time she did end up breaking up with me and now after she gets off from work I don't see her pass by my house cause she lives right across the street from me and also her friend told me that she doesn't want to try no more cause she might regret it at the end if I didn't change so just simply don't want to try even if I changed and it's 3 months from now that she doesn't want me what should I do

    Reply
  • Joey

    Hey,
    Me and my ex girlfriend broke up 2 weeks ago and I'm heartbroken and depressed and I can't sleep at night and when we broke up, she seemed sad at first then a few hours later, she's face timing a guy and laughing and I tried to fix everything that happened but she didn't want to hear it and she left the house 2 days later to the city and she lives there now and she has a new bf which she already calls him her husband and they only been together for a week and she lives with him and me and her dated for 14 months and we lived together for a year before she left and she seems happy and I'm trying to do the no contact rule and it's really really hard for me but I'm still doing it but what should I do?

    Reply
  • lindsay

    My boyfriend split up from me last night where supposed to be getting married. he split from me because I deleted a message of a male knowing he'd kick off if he saw it was only a male mate. he then thought I'd split from him I went to his kicking off then went back n apoligised now he doesn't want to know me.I want him back I love him so much but he doesn't believe me, what can I do iv tried showing him.I've left him alone I can't loose him

    Reply
  • Pam

    I don't understand why he is so angry and mean to me. He lost his temper over nothing. Then I found out about another girl (many years ago and we where in a different phase) plus drug use. I haven't said anything awful just that I wanted to be left alone. He had already told me he hates me and to burn in hell (seriously? ) but keeps contacting me. He is angry every time he texts. I told him how destroyed I was feeling and nothing. Just anger. So I said it was all too much and I just wanted to be left alone. (Which BTW is one of his signature phrases so I thought it was good to put it that way). And he keeps saying hurtful things. He is so angry. I cannot believe the lack of empathy in him. Like I told him the new info broke my heart. And he ends with "leave me alone too then I didn't really want to see you anyway". (I have been leaving him alone. Although not ignoring him when he messages. ). I'm so confused. Why is he being mean to me ??

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Pam,

      Ignore him when he messages. He will go through phases of anger, neediness, desperation and perhaps will go overboard to try to make you jealous and hurt you more. But he will eventually calm down.

      If you want, you can warn him beforehand that you will be doing this. Tell him that you need space and time and if he messages or contacts you again, you will ignore him. And if you feel the need to do so, you are free to block him as well.

      Reply
  • Shruti

    Dont worry just wait i think he'll come back for you

    Reply
  • moa

    This website is great!! thnx Kevin for everything you are truly helpin me a lot thank you again!!.

    Reply
  • John

    Hey, the girl I was seeing (I say seeing because we were dating and having sex etc but didn't put a stamp on it saying we were official). Dumped me out of the blue a few days ago. Everything seemed fine and we were happy and I was probably missing any signs of her being off put. I did seem to be more into it than she was. Anyway, we haven't spoke in a few days and the only thing I said to her when she dumped me was that I didn't want to put any pressure on her, and that I was sorry about how she felt but couldn't understand why and said okay.. Basically. Now I do wanna get her back but she does seem to just be unsure and said she did like me but not enough to get serious. ( because I was maybe rushing without knowing.) She is pretty popular with the guys so should I continue to bide my time in hope for her to make first contact? Or should I try rekindle the contact smoothly by at least saying sorry and I can understand why she broke up with me then maybe she'll see that I can atleast understand. Or should I just move on? It seems a very small issue to me and hopefully easy to sort out.

    Thanks

    Reply
  • Bernie

    Hi, thanks for all the advice here. Im just battling with a complex case over LDR, with limited information available. Its gonna be long, so 56k modems beware !

    My Ex and I were in a very strong, emotionally charged LDR for about 3 months. Despite the deep respect, compliments and excellent best-friendship we shared, we were both very poor at arguing, making us both feel bad, our emotions took over our personalities, we'd eventually aplogise but for her, I think she held on, and I clamed up a bit. She still said she loved me, made plans to do things etc. Then, BOOM, I talked about having a bit of trouble getting the money together so we could meet, she became so dissapointed and sad, she never recovered, even a day later, I made a plan and showed her I was booking tickets. I feel punished for being openly honest, because Im sure it wouldnt have ended soon after. Within the space of a 2 days, she grew very distant, then pretty much didnt initiate any contact with me for a week. I became very needy and whiny, sending long romantic walls of text, instead of just playing it cool and asking to talk with her properly. She didnt reply most of the time. Then, at the end of that week, she finally breaks up with me, with a "its not you, its me", I keep asking for the truth, to know what I had done wrong, what she needed to be fixed, she says "you were perfect, but I am interested in someone else, someone from the past I have history with, you dont know about him", and listed some of the traits that "he has" i didnt, like being closer by (still different cities), and being approved for by his parents (i had a small mom issue i shared with her), she actually talked openly with me about her exes early on, we got all our baggage out and shared it, and this one doesnt fit any picture or evidence I have seen, if i remember, he was just a childhood friend from long ago she maintained contact with.

    What I am struggling with, is she really trying to let me down softly with a white lie ? She said the very nicest things, that I will move on, to not let the breakup kill me, i will meet another woman to replace her, and that she wishes me the very best. She even said, she may just stay single until the end of her degree (despite the, interested in another guy story). She said "I think I cant be in LDR", blamed age barrier and language barrier, when, those were never the problem, just any excuse to not try again, i dont believe she knows why we broke up. We were extremely commited to each others success and supported one another. Also, I was the one who initiated the relationship, she told me early on, she was never looking for one, because of her study commitments.

    The same day, after the breakup, I took a long hard look at myself, and saw, I had become needy and codependent on her in the space of 5 weeks. This epiphany came a little too late I guess, but, I messaged her the next day, totally upbeat about my day, she gave me a positive response with a ":)" at the end, then, I said, I understood I had changed, and that the old me she knew was back, and I got an indifferent "uhmm ok, good for you". one message the next day, also only a short reply.
    So, i know she replies to my messages now.

    Then, on another IM, where I had left her a message from breakup day, she responds with "uhm ok. I only wish you the best".

    My concerns are, is she really upset, are these mixed messages, was I just a rebound , or are there just no feelings left in her for me because she had a week or more to plan this (apparently, I was supposed to be the one to breakup, so I could feel good about it, thats why the neglect).

    I've mentally moved on, from the old relationship, and I know I could live without her. I deleted all pictures and messages to help myself. But, the connection we had was really good, excellent chemistry and sexuality, with many shared interests and traits, as well as many differences that we had already embraced.

    I've considered NC to let everything cool off, but I fear, she may be pulled in by another Ex from 9 months ago who keeps hanging around her "as just a friend", despite her trash talking him with me , lamenting his poor self esteem, and saying she never goes back to an ex. I know we both just made silly communication mistakes, there was a really good foundation, and i was the one who initiated a fast paced progression, when she had resisted originally, but then enjoyed it all.

    I know, I have learnt my lesson, I wont be needy with her again (printed it out and stuck it to the wall). I just want to tell her, I understand her decision to break up, I forgive her and myself, and that we should try a new start, with lessons learnt, so we can support each other and bring happiness to one another once more. She said during breakup, to stay friends, but wont accept my FB request that I then canceled (probably to not give me hope ?), eventhough she would answer in chat, we still have skype too. I was the one, who removed contact options, after the breakup, not her. She also said during breakup, to not ask her back or have any hope for something more, even repeatedly said "dont do something you will regret" (i think, get in a plane and just show up). Isnt this some kind of double speak, her trying to convince herself by telling me ?

    I dont want to seem needy again, but I dont want to throw away an opportunity to meet this person and build a very good life, that I had not seen possible in other girls before. I'd like to fight for her, not with her. I was thinking of asking one of our mutual friends i got along with, and she confided in about us, but she was much closer to this girlfriend than I, and I fear, I may get reported just for asking. The idea of NC for too long, is scary, especially I have no other way of keeping tabs on her. Is it alright to talk about, "the relationship" without blame, just, honestly talk about how we had just caused each other small hurts in foolishness,got lost in emotions we didnt know how to talk about after a while, even when we promised we would. Is it ok, to reminisce, and give the other person compliments about all the reasons you like them, and why it is worth a shot, to at least, become friends or best-friends as we were ?

    Bless you all, thank you for reading this monster, any replies are welcome :)

    Reply
  • angie

    Thanks guys..
    I stumbled across this article trying to understand why my ex of 6 months keeps texting me the same 1 liner which leads to no conversation.

    Your article put a smile on my face and I laughed out loud at the last section. You are right :)

    Reply
  • Cara

    When I did apologize for making him upset, he responded with "forget about it"

    Reply
  • Cara

    My ex and I have been on and off since April. He's been in and out of my life periodically, but came crawling back in the beginning of the month. He has been asking me to hang out, but when he gets drunk will get mad at me and tell me he doesn't want to speak to me, but will text me the next day. I've also made some amateur mistakes by thinking we were back together,acting too couplely too soon, asking who he was texting, and telling my friends information about our relationship. One day he totally blew up and said that we had a great night, but I ruined everything. I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior and that we need to communicate more. He never tells me what's wrong until he gets drunk, and that's usually just half the story. I want things to work. Please help me!

    Reply
  • confusedbutok

    Kevin I'm confused. Why does an ex girlfriend need to feel like you're over her before she could ever come back? Seems contradictory

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's because at the moment, they don't want to get back together. And they are always on their toes around you because they think you will try to convince them to get back together. As soon as they get the slightest clue, they put up their defences. But if you can show them you have moved on, it'll give you a chance to make them attracted to you again by spending time with them. If you have really changed in a positive way, they will get attracted to you again and the thought of getting back together will start popping in their head.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      I see. My ex gf seems super stubborn and I sense she's forcing herself to move on even though she may still want to be with me. We broke up because she said I didn't appreciate her because towards the end I started nagging about her behavior a little so she just ended things partly because she felt I was going to first. Since then she's been stubborn and has came up with many reasons in her head to justify her decision. How can I turn something like this around? Seems different than a loss of attraction. She won't even let me have conversations with her, she just stops the momentum.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No contact. Do it again. And during that time, actually try to move on. There are no magic words you can say right now that will make her put down her defences. Giving her time and backing off whenever she gets defensive is the best thing to do.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      No contact for 30 days or? I'm so conflicted with advice. One website says you need to be in constant contact for her to get comfortable having you around again. But her responses are for the most part neutral and drops off. Our last text exchange I said "drive safe I just spun out on the highway" she replied "Geez are you ok?" And I said "I'm a little shook up I'll talk to you later" should I just leave her hanging or get back to her? This was two days ago

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you ex is warm to your responses, then yes staying in contact helps. But like you said, she is not warm and is cutting you off in middle of conversation. That's a sign that she is not ready for that yet. If you are not going to do no contact. At least, do limited contact. Only talk to her if she initiates.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      What if you agreed to be friends after a no contact period and they're in a new relationship. Would being aloof and waiting for her to initiate be the best way of handling it so things could turn into something romantic?

      Reply
  • confusedbutok

    My first text exchange with my ex gf she became very hostile and the convo ended with her saying things like "delete my number or I'll block you" because I made a sarcastic comment when she mentioned she's with someone new who makes her very happy. I waited a little over a week and sent an apology email using the "clean slate apology" method.

    She texted saying thanks for the apology and we could be friends as long as I'm not trying to get back with her. That she's used to exes doing that. Why would she say this?

    I said it's fine I genuinely care about you and would like to be on good terms. She said ok we are on good terms, how are you? I replied and dropped a subtle reminder about something that happened in our relationship pertaining to my response and then she stopped texting.

    Has my apology caused her to go into indifference towards me?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      No, the apology was fine. But I think it would have been better if you waited a while before trying to remind her of good times in the relationship. She probably saw through that. I think you still should do no contact for a while. Two weeks at least (preferably a month). Then take it from there.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      So when I reach out again I shouldn't mention any good times from the relationship? How should I treat it.

      It's confusing because some people say to use reminders as a reason why you're texting like "hey (tv show we used to watch) was just on. Have you been following?"

      Or do I keep it super casual "how've you been doing?"

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Those reminders are good, but only after a period of no contact and/or if you are on friendly terms with her. In your case, she has her defences on and is looking for signs that you want her back. There could be other reasons that she didn't reply which we can't guess. Perhaps she was just busy and it had nothing to do with what you messaged her.

      Either ways, I think it's better if you do a little bit of no contact and start fresh. Even if you want to use the reminder text, you should do no contact.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      Thank you. In her case I do believe she might be aware that I want her back.

      Is it bad I agreed to be "friends"? In terms of reconciliation, some people suggest to never do that.

      When we do brief text exchanges she almost always stops responding even if I'm not bringing up past memories or hinting of reconciliation. When that happens should I wait till she initiates or try every week with small talk?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's not bad you agreed to be friends. It's actually a good way to show her the positive changes you've made in your life. If she is cold in texting, you should back off and either let her initiate or wait couple of weeks to start again.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      Ok so now I noticed she puts the brakes on when I try to deepen a conversation with her. I'm not talking about the past or relationship talk just general topics. She'll just stop responding if the conversation seems to start rolling.

      Should I just ask her to meet and catch up or build more rapport via texts first?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Nope, it's better to back off. She is not ready for that yet. Give her time. Do no contact.

      Reply
  • Mary

    Hi Kevin,
    I have been reading your blog and this specific post made me question a few things. I really hope you can help me.
    My ex broke up with me about three months ago and we have not stopped being in contact since then for a number of reasons. A couple of weeks ago he started "casually" seeing a girl that we both know and his behavior towards me changed completely. Since I could not deal with this I told him that I wanted to end whatever relationship we still had left because it was too painful and because I felt like he was using me. He asked me to give him a chance to prove to me how much he cares and how much he wants us to be good friends. I said I just couldn't deal with his new relationship and he asked me to give him 10 days to prove to me that it was worth it; part of what he promised was that he would not see her at all during this time. It has been four days and so far he has been great, we have talked about how we feel and solutions to our constant fighting (still no mention of getting back together), we've made nice plans and he makes sure to call and watch the small details. I am just very worried I'm misreading this and he truly wants to be just friends, or if his efforts mean something else. I don't know how to handle myself and I don't want to be disappointed again.
    I hope you can help

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mary,

      I think it's a good sign. Although you will have to take the plunge eventually and ask him to get back together. If he says no, then you should cut the friendship. I recommend you wait 3-4 weeks for him to make a move. And if he doesn't you should ask him to get back together. If he says no, you should start no contact.

      Reply
    • Mary

      Kevin thank you for your prompt answer. It makes me very hopeful that you see it as a good sign but I am still worried that after the 10 days that he promised to not see the girl anymore and try really hard to prove to me he cares, he will go back to her after he sees that everything is alright with me. This is a legitimate worry because he keeps repeating that he wants friendship friendship friendship and I just don't want to be disappointed. You think I should wait those 3-4 weeks without no contact being necessary? Also what behavior should I have towards him because he's been great and I have nothing bad to say but I feel like it would just play against me to seem like everything is just fine, when in truth I don't want friendship and just want to get him back.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mary,

      If he goes back to that girl after 10 days, tell him you are not ready for friendship yet and start no contact. There's no point in putting yourself in that position where he is friends with you and in a relationship with someone else. When you start no contact, he will either come back to you, or go to his rebound (which will eventually end). After no contact, when you are ready, you can get back in touch and slowly rebuild attraction.

      Reply
  • Ana

    Hi! This is the second time i leave a comment. Last time was on a post related to no contacts. The thing is that i followed your advice and began to talk with my ex and then i asked him if he still have feelings for me, the answer was no. I felt relieved but at the same time sad, because i found out that i still care for him.
    And i am here again because he stills text me when i change my status and also, he found another way to contact me, he always ask me about math even if i say that i dont remember anything. The last time we talked was last week, i told him i was outside and couldnt help him with his math homework, but then he wanted to know if i went outside with my sister and why am i still late outside.
    So, what you think about this?

    Reply
  • Tyler

    Hey Kevin, me and this girl dated for a month and a half. She broke up with me two days ago over making stupid desicions and I called her a name. She said she still cares about me and we are still friends. We both told each other we loved each other when we were dating I'm still madly in love with her. She might get a new boyfriend or girlfriend. What should I do?

    Reply
  • Tanya

    I have never been in a relationship before I met the love of my life so I will say that I’m a bit inexperienced in the relationship field. However, I should not fully blame my inexperience for me cheating on my boyfriend (now ex) of 6 years. I am so remorseful for what I’ve done and I hate myself everyday for causing him SO MUCH PAIN. I’ve prayed to God endlessly for help — to have my ex boyfriend recover from his pain, hurt, anger and other emotions I’ve caused him. I cannot forgive myself unless he is happy and has gotten over all this.
    On the other hand, I pray to God to allow us two to renew our relationship. To move past the pain we’ve been through and make a new and MUCH STRONGER future. I also pray that he can trust me again and know that I won’t be unfaithful again. We definitely lacked in communication and that was the reason I cheated. I take full responsibility in my wrongdoing and know that I will never do such a thing EVER. It’s not worth the hurt.
    I doubt he will give me a second chance. We were also so close to getting married…

    Reply
  • paul

    Kevin,
    Me and my ex have been been broken up for about three weeks now. This is the thing, she has a lot of trust issues, but I've been more than willing to work with them and re-assure her. She broke up with me because she needs to get her life together, and be ready for something as serious. She says she still loves me and says that she misses me sometimes, what do I do? We even had a brief no-contact period, which she broke and called me twice. She even says she knows she wants to be with me, but she just can't right now, she just needs space. I know it seems simple, but sometimes, maybe it's my own paranoia, it seems like she's moving away from me, but it turns out she's dealing with a lot. One day she'll text me, others not so much at all.
    Help!

    Reply
  • drive

    Are rebound relationships likely to last or fail if the ex is in the picture? For example, if my ex jumped into a new relationship immediately after we broke up, will that rebound relationship last for as long as i stay in the picture or in contact with my ex or will it likely fail?

    Reply
  • KJ

    Hi, I felt the need to comment about my own situation. I am currently a hot, hot mess. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today via TEXT. I was so. upset. Essentially, he had gotten angry because i had blown up his phone the night before when he did something that upset me. I tried explaining that he knew what he did upset me so i aggravated him back but that ticked him off more. I tried explaining it was immature of me and I overreacted, but it was too late. He then told me it wasn't always about me and I was selfish in a relationship, this wasn't working, we aren't good together. We are done. Don't attempt to negotiate or make it better and please don't respond to this text.
    Well, I of course responded which was a mistake bc he was angry. I said "you're too much of a man to do this via text, right?" and he said no. that i wouldn't "allow" it in person and he didn't want to put up with drama. I proceeded to try and be the bigger person and give him space til later that day and called him "babe" and that caused him to say "please do not call me outside of my name. thank you"
    ..well a few hours later I texted some things I thought were mature and also about how I don't think he would actually break up via text bc he knew a friend stopped talking to me like that before and he knew how much that broke me, and I didn't think I was a jerk. I also restated I wanted to talk and definitely sent more than I should have, but not a full blow up. He didn't respond and the next day I sent 2 long messages one saying he had been pushing me away since telling me he likes me and I wish he'd see his value...and that it wasn't about me everything for me is about him. Then the other was about I didn't think he would do that to me bc he wasn't a jerk, etc. Also, a little background. He spent 1.5 years trying to get me date him when we were just friends. Then I kissed him in May of this year and admitted my feelings...we were "dating" but I didn't make it official until July bc of my own anxieties, etc (even though I was completely in love with him) and I know that did damage. So in terms of being "done" and breaking up, we have thrown those words around wayyy too many times...and didn't mean it. Our relationship had gotten into this really bad cycle of blowing up/ignoring but we recently had started to work on it bc I had stopped blowing up so much.
    So then I texted him again Tuesday about wishing we'd give it a real shot and how he's always pushed me away then comes back and he replied saying we are broken up whether I accept it/admit it or not. Bye. I was livid. I blew him up with texts about I didn't think he'd do that to me, thought he cared, he cared nothing bout me, I trusted him etc etc. I pushed him to the limit of saying "ok. I don't care I didn't care. Stop texting me. It's stupid. I understand. You are hurt. So stop texting me." then the same type of stuff continued and he said stop texting him, it's annoying, then eventually said he was gonna ignore my texts so anything I send to him won't reach him, adios.

    WELL. I definitely blew him up -_- he said he wasn't gonna read them and had angrily said he didn't care so I blew him up. I only called once and left an upset voicemail. Then I had calmed down and sent a text saying I want to talk. But then the next morn around 430 am I sent a few more long messages and the last one was I wouldn't send anything else unless he reaches out (well, I had said that before and still had) and although those messages Wed. morn were less angry, he responded 4 hours later saying "If you continue to text me I will go to the police and open a case against you for stalking. bye" Of course this upset me but I handled it very maturely, I sent two long texts one saying i understand he's hurt and angry but please don't treat me that way and I'm still trusting him and would like to talk when we're both cooled off. Well..he was still angry and said "Like I said, if I receive any more calls or messages I will go to the police. I'm not joking or playing, I will go to the police." *Note* NONE of what I had sent him threatened to hurt him, me, or anyone. None of it was attacking him or anything manipulative that could be stalking or harrassment. **
    I of course knew he was just saying it from anger but I said "Do not keep texting me out of anger and threatening me. I understand you're hurt and upset. I cannot reason with you. I won't send anything else until you're cooled off."

    And he didn't reply. And I also didn't get any calls from the police so I was in the clear * I knew he wasn't serious, I was just mad he said that, but he didnt follow through with ignoring my messages so I knew he wouldn't follow through with that*
    Then Thursday night I just sent a quick apology for my own actions of blowing up, saying hurful things (when I accused him of not caring) and I was wrong for trying to force him to talk to me. He didn't respond.

    I then have stayed quiet. Now it is Sunday. I'm so hurt and upset. I know most of our relationship problems were due to immaturity *we are 24 but both have baggage we hadn't let go of and my anxiety and empty threats about leaving him at the beginning of the relationships didnt help*
    But he stuck with me that long, and he seemed to break up out of anger only..we had been improving from our bad cycle. I'm so broken. I love him so much. I just want him back. I started NC on 10/16 after sending that text, my first full day was 10/17 so today is only day 3. He hasn't said a thing. His bday is on day 22 of NC and I really wanna say something but I don't know if given our situation, I should wait the whole 30 days. I also saw today he commented #sexylikepepsi on a picture of two girls (one of his friends) dressed in blue and red. I don't think anything is going on and I think he was just playing and I guess he is single but that comment upset me. I'm just terrified NC will cause him to move on to someone else. He's told me before that no one upsets him as much as I do. I don't know why I doubted him and would be anxious bc deep down I know I can trust him...my ex before him cheated on me and it took me a while to drop that. I'm trying to work on me during the NC time bc I know I need to in order to better ANY relationship with ANYONE. I just dont know if I can text him on his bday or if that's too soon. OR if he will never contact me again given his angry threat about the police although I believe that was his way of screaming he needed space. I know I don't need him, but I want him. I liked him for most of our friendship but hid my feelings bc I was scared of getting hurt and then when we did start dating, the dynamic switched and it seemed unhealthy. He also would get upset when I couldn't make his lunch breaks so I know we both have to grow up. Any advice would be helpful. I've already realized a lot with Nc and am gonna pour into myself. I have anxiety issues I need to get more help with, even if that means taking off from my job for a while (its really stressful in nature) I also know I cannot and should not look at his facebook- I looked from a diff account bc mine is blocked. But I know I cannot repeat that offense. I really want to text him happy bday like I said but don't know if day 22 is too soon given what went down ..
    Before this when we were friends, we got along great, like wonderfully. And we did in person as well! All of our fights were via text. I recognize I have to work on my insecurites and drop my baggage as my ex before this one cheated on me and I took that out on this ex...which wasn't fair to him. He had told me he loved me a lot but when things got rocky which kinda came when the blow up/ignore cycle started, he dind't say it for a while and when we starting doing better recently, that was coming back and when I pointed out a month or so ago he hadn't said it for a while he said "you know I love you." etc...
    I just need some advice. Today is now day 4 of no contact and I am TRIPPING. I know he only threatened his stupid contacting the police thing bc he didn't want to talk but I'm concerned he will think I'm not contacting him bc of that (when I'm not contacting him on my own accord.) I also only texted a lot and had only called once...and that lasted 1 day. The day of I texted quite a few too I guess, then the day after I didn't, then I only did the next day bc of an argument -.- But I need advice. I want to know I will still be able to get him back. I'm working on loving myself more and dropping my insecurities from my relationship before him. I didn't fully trust him even though I had no reason to not trust him, I was just afraid. We were good friends for a while before this and I've seen how well we get along. Due to that and the fact our fights were via text where misunderstanding runs rampant, I feel we didn't give it a real shot. We should have communicated better in person as well. That didn't happen when it was rockiest in the middle. Then when we were improving he gets angry and breaks up via text ... I also know I need to wrk on me for this to work out, I just think it can given our past before I let my insecurities run rampant and we would text out of emotion/immature things. Advice would be great :) His bday is before day 30 of no contact... I'm guessing you will recommend I tell him happy belated 10 days later lol I'm worried he will take that personally but I don't know. I do *think* though that his anger was just masking the fact he is hurt, but I want him to love me and care enough to want me back. I just don't know if I have a chance...he was so ANGRY with me and he broke it off! :O

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can text him on his birthday, but keep it short and to the point (that is to wish him happy birthday)

      Reply
    • KJ

      Thanks. Does this situation seem like a lost cause given how explosive it was at the *very beginning* of break up? One of my friends believes he may not ever talk to me again due to how angry he was...And if he were to respond to happy birthday would I not respond furthermore?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he responds, you should not respond further. Most breakups are explosive in the beginning and the anger usually subsides after a while. You do have a chance.

      Reply
    • KJ

      Okay, thank you! If i Say happy bday how long is best before I send anything to him again (Even if he replies) I hope the anger will subside, we just needed to grow up and I'm hoping he still cares

      Reply
    • zuzu1000

      Okay. If I text him Happy Bday I will wait 2 more weeks... is it good to text that? Or does it not matter if I do or dont? Also, today is NC day 8 for me...he hasn't contacted me once. I'm freaking out. I have started working on me though and want him to know that.. :/ I want him to know I realized my anxieties/insecurities from my ex before him cheating on me were still there and I wasn't ready for a relationship at the start..but then now I"m working on me...and this space is good but I do NOT want him to think we aren't good for each other..bc our only arguments were via text! etc. I'm guessing telling him would psychologically backfire somehow though? :/ I just dont want him to think we aren't good together or keep thinking that :( Advice?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can't control what he is thinking and you can't guess it either. You should stop trying to figure it out. Just concentrate on yourself right now.

      Reply
    • KJ

      Okay.. Thanks. I'm trying! Easier said than done! So the following text I drafted (but did not send) is not a good idea to send yet? I'm just getting worried he won't think any of our relationship was good..it was in person but then we'd go a couple days with the stupid blowing up/ignoring cycle for a while and finally were working on that..but this text I shouldn't send him at all or should send after nc?.... "Hi, I understand how unfair i was blowing up ever & threatening you to lose me. I hurt you &acted in a way that wasn't right at all. I feel awful simply bc I took my anxiety/past of being cheated on/fear out on you when it was really my own inability to let fears go at the time & control my own emotions."

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't send it right now. If you want to send it after no contact, you should include it in the letter mentioned in the 5 Step plan. You can include this part as the apology.

      Reply
    • KJ

      Thanks. The problem is I would go to his work so often I know that address and his home address i *think* I know the exact number and I know where it's at of course...but I wouldn't want to mail to the wrong number just bc I would go there and not pay attention to the address :/ maybe it won't be needed or maybe I can try a text first then maybe the letter if that fails? I am staying strong but it has been 11 days now and this is so hard! I could drive by his house and get the number tho -.- smh

      Reply
    • KJ

      Nvm I remember it! I knew 3 of the 4 numbers on the street and I got it now :) so yeah maybe I will write the letter then text 2 weeks later if I haven't heard?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can also send an email instead of hand written letter.

      Reply
    • KJ

      It's better to apologize after doing NC? I'm on day 12 and feeling great right this min (but now always) and when I feel great I wanna text him "I needed this. You knew I needed this..Blowing up was unfair&hurtful.. I had no reason not to trust; it was my inability to face MY insecurity. I control it it doesn't control me:)" but then I'm worried he's still upset.
      But then I'm worried if I don't, he will think I won't ever change! And we don't have each other on social media so how will he know? I keep getting in my own head... We would have been so functional had I not blown his phone up out of anxiety...I want him to know now that I'll change. I'm unsure if me saying nothing is effective? Bc he had threatened me with saying I was stalking bc I blew up his phone one day...granted I responded twice after that but he could still think my silence is due to that? Is there any way he has already moved on and would never consider me as an option due to me being so anxious and clingy (out of fear) when we did date?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think sending a message right now will be very effective. Anyone can say that they have changed and they'll never do the same mistakes again. But it doesn't prove anything. If you think sending a message like that will prevent him from moving on, then you are mistaken. It will probably just come off as an attempt to stop him from moving on. And that action itself seems needy.

      Sending the letter after no contact is effective because I tell you to keep it short and mention that you both need space right now. It doesn't seem like an attempt to stop him from moving on. Especially if you include the "we both need some space right now" part. And when you are apologizing in the letter, keep it as short as possible and don't blame yourself too much in it.

      If you are thinking he will move on in 30 days, he won't. It's very hard for someone to move on so fast. So relax. Give him time to process whatever happened. Don't try to influence his thought process right now. Let it take it's course. Let him come to his own conclusions. You do the same. Contact him after 30 days. It will not be too late.

      Reply
    • KJ

      Wtf I just got a text from him "Hey I'm going to be late to the meeting, just left court"
      Did he actually mess up or was that intentional -.-
      I don't think anyone he works with has my name and he hasn't messed up like this ever before...
      Is it possible he purposely sent me this and wanted me to respond for him to say "wrong person" or do you think it was 100% mistake????

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I can't be sure KJ. Neither can you. There's no point thinking about it.

      Reply
    • KJ

      Yeah, I stayed strong and didn't respond :) If it was a mistake, best for him not to see me as "needy"...responding to anything I can get!
      If it was intentionally sent to provoke me, best for him to see I'm growing up and will no longer react the way I would have reacted 2-3 weeks ago :)

      Reply
    • KJ

      Ughh I need help again. Two days ago he liked two of my instagram pictures...he doesn't follow me so he intentionally looked me up and liked them :/ he hasn't done or said anything since. In the past this was how he showed me after fights he was still there but this was an actual break up this time. Should I reaxh out? That happened on day 18 of no contact and now I am on day 20 :'( why is he contacting me indirectly!? Ugh and he looked me up intentionally too blahhh what to do? Also his bday is in two days x.x

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you want, you can send a short text on his birthday, but nothing more than that. It's a good sign, but don't over think it and don't contact him until no contact is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • KJ

      I sent "Have a wonderful 25th birthday. Hope you get lots of pecan&apple pie& 25 ninja turtle cupcakes."
      He responded 40 minutes later saying "thank you"
      Is that good or bad (BC he didn't say anything else)
      Now I am staying quiet probably at least another week. I'm confused though he tries getting my attention then all he says is "thank you" o.O

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's neither good nor bad. Continue with no contact. Remember that you must satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan before ending no contact.

      Reply
  • Clara

    Hi Kevin

    So my boyfriend and I of over 5 years broke up about two months ago (This is our second breakup). Just two weeks after our breakup he started seeing another girl, he even has her as his whatsapp profile picture! I did no contact for a month, then initiated contact but he did not reply to my text about meeting up for coffee. He followed and unfollowed me on instagram twice now(he only follows me for a few hours). He has since unfriended me on facebook. To make matters worse, apparently his father doesn't want him to be with me & he very much values his opinion. Please help, do I go on no contact again or do I keep trying to get him to meet up with me?

    Reply
  • Shahbaz Bhatti

    Kevin,
    I think you are my last hope………
    Today I have decided that I will break up with my girlfriend and my 7 month relationship came to an end. I love her to the core of my heart. She knew this even she has accepted my marriage proposal. Things were going great we text each other all most all day long. But suddenly things were changed when she told me that she was internally ill and she is tired of being alive. She said “I don’t want to live anymore, if I die after sometime you will miss me instead of it leave me.” She has repeatedly said it for 2 months. In those two months, for sometime I go through no contact rule. Once, she texted me and begging to me after 7 days that she wants me back but after 2 days she has changed suddenly and repeat the same things. Today I have texted her (A big mistake) after 14 days of no contact period because I missed her badly. I thought she will come back to me but I was wrong. She was as cold as she was which hurts me. I have told her I love her and that is never going to happen if we are together but she refused to be with me. Last, I asked her if you love me or not. And she replied “NO” After I got that text I abondoned myself to reply her back.

    She is completely opposite as she was. I don’t know what I have to do. I want her badly right now. I love her. Please tell me what I have to do now. I have lost my senses because she is the one whom I trust completely and blindly in this entire world.

    I am finished completely messed up :(

    Reply
  • Lisa

    I was dating my boyfriend for 4 years and 3 months. We were high school sweethearts, each others first loves, I was his first time...
    2 months after we broke up I found out he cheated on me for 3 years with the same girl...who knew we were dating. Needless to say, they started dating less than a month after we broke up. We have been broken up for 5 months. He constantly tell her, his friends, and family that I am crazy. I don't know what to do. I still love him and miss him like crazy. I have no tried contacting him in 6 weeks. I want him to realize he made a mistake.

    Reply
  • Samantha Myers

    My exboyfriend and I were together for 5 years and 4 months. We were a little distant towards the end. I know I got lazy with the relationship, I never thought he would break up with me. We've been friends for over 10 years. When we started dating, I was 18 and he was 17. When we broke up he texted me saying that he just didn't see us working out in the future, that he still wants to be friends. Blah blah. I called, texted, I hit rock bottom. The next day he flew to North Carolina so we could have space, keep in mind we live 8 houses away from each other. I tried to text him to just let him know that I miss him. No response, which I figured. Then, he came back 3 weeks later, I broke down and my brother told him that I was a wreck and that he needs to talk to me. The next day he called me, said that us together just wasn't right saying he didn't wanna cheat on me because he would never do that. I saw him about 2 weeks ago, we talked, I was happy the entire time. Told him that not seeing us working in the future wasn't a reason, he then said he just wasn't happy. I asked why he didn't do this in person he said "You know I dont like to see you upset." I asked would he of been able to break uo with me in person, he said he probably wouldn't of been able to go through with it. I asked how his time was in NC, and he asked what I've been up too. I told him I missed him as a person, he said he missed me too. He said he just can't be in a relationship right now. I left. On Tuesday, my brother, who is friends with him said that he saw hickeys on his neck, and that just put me right back to rock bottom. Whether or not I know if he left me for someone else, I will never know. But I have an intuition that we are meant to be together. I don't feel like we would of been together this long if it wasn't meant to me. I need to change a lot because I wasn't the best girlfriend. But I know I can change. Any thoughts on us getting back together.

    Reply
  • KS

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I have been broken up for about 5 months now and I still can't get over him. Neither one of us has dated anyone new during this time and we still talked and hung out during the break up, but now he won't talk to me. I've been trying the no-contact period for a while now, but I'm not sure if it's actually worth the wait or if I should just move on with my life. He works with my mom and asks about me constantly, I'm not sure what that means exactly. Anyway, I'm just curious if I should just move on or continue with the no-contact period.

    Reply
  • Cb

    Hi Kevin,
    I'll say this first, I'm still in love with my ex but I don't know if he's still in love with me, he keeps giving me mixed signals. So me and my ex broke up towards the beginning of summer, and it was easy to not talk to him since we were out of school and lived about an hour away. But once school started, I see him all the time now and it's hard to avoid him cause we have the same friends. He and my friends live in the same house, so I would go over for parties or whatever so we started talking again. I thought it would be a good idea to be friends so it wouldn't be awkward for our mutual friends. However, he keeps being so weird when I'm around. One minute he'll be nice to me, text me, blah blah and then when we're around our friends he acts really cold. Well just when I thought we were finally becoming friends, he kisses me! We were both completely sober too. I feel like he's just giving me false hope cause the next day he was all over this other girl, he was drunk though. One of our mutual friends told me he was still in love with me, but my friend was drunk when he said it. I asked my ex about it and he didn't tell me he was but he didn't deny it either. I'm so confused on what to think cause he never gave me a reason as to why we broke up in the first place, so it's really hard to move on. I thought our relationship was great! The only problems I would have to say was that he spent way too much time playing video games and he wasn't very good at communication.

    Reply
  • kj

    hi I have tried posting comments on here and other articles but they never show up so I am just trying to get some feed back if I could please I could really use some.

    after reading this article I don't know if this applies to my ex because I don't think if I had a facebook she would check it or some of the other traits you mentioned.
    I found out recently that her fb page said in big post she is in relationship with a guy who is suppose to be a really close friend, someone she said is like a brother. how could someone just start seeing someone like that in a serious relationship.

    if I could get some advise on this situation it would be very helpful and grateful. its been hard enough to think she wants absolutely nothing to do with me for last couple months but to think she been with this guy for that long is worse.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's probably a rebound kj. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • kj

      thanks for comment

      but my question is since it has been 2 months already since she ended it I don't see how it could be a rebound especially that I have the strongest feeling that she has been seeing her friend, this guy for awhile.

      And if she really is with this guy how could it be a rebound if they are suppose to be really close friends, since she knows him for years wouldn't that just make it easier for them to be with each other.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey kj,

      If you two had a meaningful relationship, then it won't be easy for her to move on from it. The fact that she was good friends with that guy doesn't necessarily mean their relationship will work. If she is not completely over you, then this relationship will end eventually.

      Like I said before, I think it's PROBABLY a rebound. And there's a good chance that it will end. But there's also a small chance that it won't end and you will have to accept that. There's nothing you can do about it. The best you can do is follow the 5 step plan and learn to be happy without your ex.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I have tried the 5 steps when this first happened it's hard to do this when you have other negatives going on also.
      So even after these two months and how things have gone with the seriuos things said and what not and finding out she is possibly been seeing her friend who tattoos her. Is there actually a chance we could get back together

      Reply
  • Ryan

    Haven't spoken to my ex for about 6 days now though I found myself wandering around last.fm to see what she has been listening to. I know bad idea (I don't have any other social media accounts). A lot of them seemed to feature groups will strong female leads. There was one in particular that went "I still think of you and all the shit you put me through. You were wrong." I'm guessing I'm looking way too far into this, but I'm going to consider this a good thing. She's struggling without me and needs to reinforce her stance to not take me back. Am I right?

    Reply
  • Elisa Monroy

    I guess i just want to no if there is a possibility or not

    Reply
  • Manuel

    Hi Kevin,
    Here is the thing me and my ex broke up one week ago, at first I was upset and mad with her so I told her painful things that I didn't want to. Then the Monday after I haven't talk to her for 3 days, We talked and she told me why she had left me, I am not sure she is telling the whole thing but after that I confessed her my love and I told her I won't give up on us. We did Facetime two days in a row and also we texted each other and after that i read your article so the next day i didn't message her and she did at night I replied her and we did Facetime again, but then I realized i wasn't following your advices so i told her she should think the things about us and wheter if she want me back or not but that she have to do this by herself. And we haven't talked since yesterday and well i try to not think of her but when i am alone at night and i dont have nothing to do i start thinking about her and i feel desperate because i am wondering if she is thinking about me and if she wants me back and i want her back right now. What should i do? Please help me man i need your advice

    Reply
  • Jay

    Hello Kevin,
    Me and my Ex broke up a month ago, because I decided to keep our unborn son, we already have a 2 year old little girl. He just walked out and said I am a selfish person for keeping our son. I won't lie I'm going thru a lot I loved this man but I need to learn to let go, now I'm getting very mean texts and voice mails from him that I don't even respond or call him before I would now I completely stopped, on Saturday his daughter cried to see him I took her to his Job and he walked and went the other way, he didn't care that broke my heart, he moved on because he is seeing different women, Kevin I feel he never loved me and I cry so much at night, I don't even think we will ever have a chance again from all the hatred he has towards me, I did everything for him everything. Please give me so advice?

    Reply
    • Yahaira

      Just let him be for now. He will get over the anger of you deciding to keep the baby as he sees your belly getting bigger and especially when the baby is gone. Give time time and don't contact him as much as you want to. Best wishes.

      Reply
  • Brea

    Dear Kevin,
    I don't really know what to think at this point so I really need someone else's opinion on what I should do.
    My ex-boyfriend and I have been talking for the past week and a half and he has told me that he feels awful for the way things turned out the way they did and that he still has feelings for me. I still really like him, but don't know if this is just a game he is trying to pull, but I don't believe that. Because last week (when we started talking a bit more) he came and talked to me and I was suprised, but after about five minutes nothing felt different between us. I still felt like we were together and I like that feeling, but I'm not sure if there is a chance of him asking me back out.
    What do you think, do you think I am just wasting my time thinking about us getting back together? Or do you think that there might actually be a chance between us again?

    Reply
  • ailana

    I believe my husband falls in this category. I always feel like he is fighting to hang on to the negative because he doesn't want to allow himself to feel his love for me. He says he is not in love with me anymore, but I can see it in his eyes sometimes. He also admitted to missing me a bit. These words "But the truth is, they are only hurt because they love you. You broke their expectations because they have expectations from you. And the reason they are an emotional mess is because they still have feelings for you." hit me in the heart. I think this is so true of my husband it makes me feel a little bad because I know he is partly angry that I let him down on some level. I know he didn't want things to end this way anymore than I did but he is trying so desperately to stand by "his decision" to leave.

    He says it was a relief and the best decision he made. He said he only gets upset because he is still dealing with me, still basically in a relationship with me and deals with me more now than when we were together and he doesn't want to anymore. When I told him he didn't have to, that he could ignore my calls and my texts, he said I could. I then asked why don't you then if your so upset with me? he simply said, "I don't know."

    Sounds like hes still in love and in turmoil to me... any thoughts?

    Reply
  • maryanne

    Hi Kevin I kept contact to a minimum as best I could given our kids are involved, my one "nota date" whilst in his city for conference turned into an entire weekend of all the things we did when we first met I felt so "right" but he is sending me " hi sexy" text and xxx but says he's not leaving his new GF... He keeps saying how gorgeous I looked his couldn't stop smiling and kissing me but says she makes him happy ... He said what do you want from me I said well I gave u a new wedding ring that's what I want .. Now for three days he has been asking have I looked into a new job have I applied for loan so I can move to be in Sydney where he is moving back to, it's where we were as a family for 12 years, I want to but living separately? Is she following him? WHAT is this about? I can't answer his text at all now I feel hurt that he says I'm sexy but isn't leading me on its just he's thinking about me from weekend and it hurts that he thinks I should move everything change everything in my life but I don't hear any suggestion the GF is over ...help?

    Reply
  • Skylar

    My ex ended up having to move back home for financial issues, but before she left, we were getting along well. Long distance was hard, and I know I asked too much of her, but I had my reasons. She previously cheated on me, and told me early on she still had feelings for her ex, who she had regular contact with. I didn't know it at the time, but she started dating me only a month after we broke up. She said the feelings for that person faded, but it was still hard to trust that. after she Moved, I started noticing her pulling away. I realized that while we were still together, she seemed interested in someone else. She broke up with me, and admitted that the reason was I was too controlling. I understood where she was coming from, and said I'd fix it, but she told me that she was done and didn't want to do the back and forth stuff. She said I should move on. She's now "only talking" to this person, but they started the courtship only a week after we broke up. She came to pick up some of her things last week, and she kissed me, saying it was partly real feelings, and partly habit. She admitted she still loves me, and part of her will always want to be with me. She doesn't contact me first, but she was never big on texting and we never really had phone calls. She's friendly when we do talk, but doesn't talk about the relationship at all. Considering it's only been a few weeks since we broke up, I'm not sure of it's just too soon to even consider getting back together, or she really has no interest.

    Reply
    • Harry

      Skylar,
      She confuses you because she is also confused. But dude, I'm sorry. But it seems that you are the rebound. Move on.

      Reply
  • Maryanne

    My ex is continuing to confuse me , I have cut contact to a minimal but delivering kids every weekend is a challenge ,when he sees me he hugs me long and tight kisses me on the lips but also acts like he doesn't want to touch me , if I look at him he gets super uncomfortable like he can't look in my eyes, he contantly compliments the way I look but will say in one breath something like , my girlfriend makes me so happy we haven't had one single fight you are my beautiful ex wife .
    I have an arrangement to meet him for dinner this weekend as a conference puts me in his city , I think he actually suggested it , but I asked if he could meet me both nights and was told no I have a date with my gf I am not changing that what would I tell her ? I actually am not sure how much he sees her its been less than 3 months really not surprised if they didn't fight I'm sure she is busting herself to be perfect because he is so out of her league in looks and is a lovely guy . Yesterday he sent me a text asking if he should take a job offer, he asked me to call in my lunch break to discuss, I did he basically wanted me to decide for him its a good career move he's not happy n his company I said go for it and he called his agent while I was still on phone and said yes, this job takes him a bit further away from me but it also takes him away from his gf, I wonder about why he relied on me for this decision, of course I'm wondering if its a positive sign, then he will admit if I text him he reads but doesn't reply. Can I say roller coaster ? This dinner on Saturday will be interesting I'm guessing he will spend whole time squirming with discomfort in my presence and telling me how happy he is, how should I handle it? I can't tell what he's thinking at all ! Mx

    Reply
  • Chris

    My girlfriend of 2 months said she was done with this relationship and the love faded about 2 weeks ago but i give her a week 2 tops before she gets drunk and comes crawling back to me I mean I will never disrespect her I will not call her names I will not share her personal secrets with anybody I will not share photos with friends as a kid from a family which almost isn't considered a family cause so many people died I know what it feels like to loose people but this relationship was real love never dies or gets old she just couldn't handle me loving her so much she has never dated a guy and I've never dated a girl and honestly I love her I don't even love and care about my own mother as much as I love and care about her she will come back to me thank u for the advice
    ~future U.S marine

    Reply
  • Joe

    My girl didn't want to be with me anymore thought I saw her with her new guy but someone at my work told me they saw her with a new kid at my work then asked her if she was with him she said she not seeing anyone.

    So I don't know if she is with some one and not saying anything. Or if she is just starting to just be with this kid or someone else as in just talking to and hanging out or worst fear sleeping with someone already.

    The advise given is take time off to work yourself but you can't take too long cause you will lose her for good.

    So if no contact says a month then how long do I know before I'm screwed and she is gone for good. Not like I can tell if she even thinks of me anymore or would ever want to be with me again.

    Reply
  • Robin

    Hi guys, i need Some advice. About à month ago me and my ex girlfriend broke up, we had a 2 year relationship. 1,5 weeks later she was already dating my best friend, i wanted to hurt the Guy so much, but could resist the urge. I tried to move on and see Some other girls, but it's hard because we work toghether on à monthly basis. Now About one week ago we saw eachother again, had à great time and kissed. The next day she went to see her boyfriend again, to tell. everything wasn't going so Well, but i never heard anything from her after that. The wants to keep à distance for now, but she admitted she still loved me. Ooh and my best friend came out of à 7year long relationship. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Yin

      Robin,
      Just do the NC. Play it cool though you really want to interfere in their relationship. Let them. They are both in the situation that they really don't know what they want.. Give your ex time and space to think what she really wants. For now, do a different hobby that interests you (e.g sports). Good luck.

      Reply
  • Joshua

    Hey I'm calling out for anyone's advice on this so, me and my ex broke up after a year a half relationship things we obviously not perfect, but I obviously do love her and she knows that. So we broke up 5 days ago and I did the whole instinctive process of begging pleading for her back to none of my gain except losing some self respect, and keep In mind I do know there is another guy involved she's actually moving down to Florida to be with her dad but he's conviently there as well. Everytime I try to initiate no contact with her she calls and texts me a lot begging to talk she says she misses me and loves me and swears she wants to get back together in the future but wants to find herself. So with all that into account does anyone know exactly what she means about this? And what should I do to increase my chances of getting her back?

    Reply
    • Mark Adams

      Joshua. YOU NEED TO DO NO CONTACT!!
      It sounds harsh but at the moment she is playing you, that doesn't mean she doesn't still love you but you and her need time and space to sort your heads out. Something serious went wrong for her to find someone else and she may be keeping you on a string "just in case", sounds harsh I know but it's true. Whatever happens no contact for 30 days minimum you will be amazed at how much better you feel after. Word of warning though, You might find it's the hardest thing you've ever done. Good luck from someone who's been there!

      Reply
    • Chris

      I know how u feel man it's messed up but heres what u have to do get her drunk and when she is drunk leave her alone for a few hours inside her head she will keep thinking I love him I love him I love him but if that doesn't work just give it some time man itll work itself out believe me I have experience in loosing people I was close to and loved my own father for example he died when I was 8 and my aunt died just recently but Im not trying to explain myself but I feel ur pain man I've been there just give it some time

      Reply
    • Jess

      Well to be serious it sound like she wants to talk to you again and sort things out so I'd talk back but keep it on a low key and dont rush things

      Reply
    • john

      Hey Joshua! I am in the exact same position as you! the exact words she has told you are the exact words she said to me!! would definitely love a follow up on your situation!!

      Reply
  • David

    Hi All,

    Im aware Kevin is away, Im at a bit of a stuck stage at the moment...My previous posts should be below on this page somewhere if someone wants to follow along, Search "David".

    We have now started talking slightly and I asked her if she wanted to hang out, she said "Do you think its a bit too soon though? Its all just a bit weird"..so i calmly suggested if shes not comfortable, we can give it a miss..but then she replied "Im comfortable I just dont want to complicate things between us"
    we met up and had a good time, the hug at the end was a nice long hug and lasted about 20 secs+ and got a text after saying "It was good to see you again x"

    Ive seen her 2 times since then (1 the next day when i drove her home, because she left her shoes in the car after the meetup, so she asked if i could pick her up to collect her shoes), and then again the next day coz I had day off work and she said I should meet her on her dinner. So I have basically met her 3 days in a row, Hug at the end when saying bye, but the 2nd two hugs were only 2secs long.

    We have also sort of agreed to meet up in 1 weeks time after work, when I said "Dont do anything Friday, im picking you up from work to surprise you". She didnt object

    Sometimes she seems bit short/doesn't reply to my texts and its usually me initiating contact, although she has initiated ..although rarely.

    My thoughts are that she wouldnt want to meet/do anything with me if she didnt want to get back with me...but then I think she might be over me and therefore she can be around me without feeling anything? and has accepted that we work better as friends?

    She already knows my intentions Im 90% sure as I did lots of mistakes during the weeks split up, wrote poem, wrote a letter, explained my wrongs and that I love her etc and want to get back with her etc.

    Just would like to get some other peoples opinions...Im going to take it slowly with her and do a few more meet-ups etc...I just dont want to make the mistake of falling into the friendzone....I know that Ryan said FalseFriendship is the way to go and that the feeling of intimate with friends doesnt go away.

    I sooo hope this is true!..Anyone else reached this stage? A womans view would be amazing!

    P.S I think its important to know that we WERE bestfriends BEFORE we got together as she was with my bestfriend...and so was genuinely close. She has previously mentioned that we should just be friends...so not sure if Ryan's False Friendship works in this scenario.

    Weve been split about 2 months now

    Thanks

    Reply
  • Sharon

    Hi Kevin,
    I need your urgent advice. As I mentioned previously that my ex will come back to Kunming on the 14th of June, yesterday he Wechat me said he will be back on the 16th. He claimed that he will be staying in Chengdu for 2 nights with the girl he met on the plane (Because this girl he is origianally from Manchaster Chinese, but need to fly often to work in Chengdu). So my heart is dead but I am cool with it. I was just thinking if you come back we can have a proper goodbye since last time he broke up with me via a long distance call which to me is really unhealthy. I was not even asking for a talk or what, just to spend 1-2 days being with him at the last time. Life is short, and we were destined to be a couple for more than 1 year, say goodbye decently is something mature to do. So there's a girl who's one of his teammate's wife called me yesterday and said, there's no way he is staying in Chengdu because there's only one flight flying back from the UK somewhere - Chengdu - Kunming. His teammate said his flight is taking off from the UK on the 15th of June and directly be back on the 16th of June. He send me a message on Wechat: It didn't matter about your health wanted to take care of you. Was the leaving me in the night. Just wanna start something new with a girl who is soft hearted and calm. I wish you all the best and hope that after the dust hast settled and the pain has gone we can be friends. I like many things about you, Sharon. I am sorry for what happened , but I can't change now my path.

    Also, I said no worries, life is short, I just want a proper goodbye and I will leave to start my next chapter of life in Beijng. He told me, I don't know, I am not sure whether we can stay at the same apartment. I need privacy to use Skype and phone (maybe video and talk with the new girl).

    My questions are:
    1) Why he has to fake his flight schedule and said he is going to meet this girl in Chengdu and staying at her place for 2 night? Just to hurt me?
    2) Why he has to fake that he is going to stay 2 nights in Chengdu, while I know the fact is there's only one flight flying back on the 15th?
    3) Does he really want to escape from me or something, that he can't even want to stay with me even seperately sleeping on the couch/ bedroom? What happened? Since I have many things need to settle with him for the apartment and my stuff
    4) Why he is texting me that message on Wechat, is he trying to be nice?
    5) Should I just move out before he come back? And not to see him one last time for a proper good bye.
    Your prompt reply is appreciated
    Thank you very much,
    Sharon

    My questions are:

    Reply
  • Rob

    Hey Kevin,
    I've been in no contact for a little over 3 weeks now. She "my ex" has been posting pictures with her new man on Facebook. Our mutual friends have been telling me this. I un-friended and blocked her awhile back. Last night I get an e-mail from her saying: I miss talking to you. I want to respond to her. What should I say? I know it really doesn't mean anything but I need some guidance.
    Thanx ........

    Reply
    • Jess

      You should reply to her but keep it on low key for now you dont want to rush things or ruin them either, have you done no contact thing at all?

      Reply
  • Vee

    Hey Kevin!!
    So after about little over a month my ex FINALLY called me yesterday and said everything is forgiven. Etc, etc... We don't know when we'll talk to each other again but what should I do until then? I don't want to blow his phone up or anything trying to keep in contact.

    Reply
  • sonia

    Its been a month that my ex said he didnt think he was ready for a relationship..
    when I asked him if he wanted to start over see where it goes or if hes just not interested he didnt answer me. Just yesterday, a month after, he texts me and says he wants to see me, I reply why and he didnt answer since yesterday....
    What does that mean??
    I am so confused and I wanna understand.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It could mean a lot of things. The only way to find out is to meet him. However, if you've not done NC till now, I suggest you tell him you need some space and time right now and do NC before meeting him.

      Reply
    • sonia

      I didn't do the non contact thing...
      I just didnt write him back cause he didnt answer and I didnt wanna seem needy but at the same time I wanna know what is happening in his head but its his job to answer me and tell me...

      Reply
    • sonia

      he answered me back tonight saying that he doesnt know... he misses my kisses..
      then i told him thati think he doesnt know what he wants and he said he doesnt know.
      after he asked me if i wanted to hangout and i said i can't...

      Reply
  • Leilani

    Hi Kevin,

    You told me a while back to take 2-3 months of no contact and I have done just that and I'm not sure if it's true or not but now his Facebook says he's in a relationship. Should I just continue not to talk to him? It's been two months now and I still love him and want to be with him but I respect if he's with someone id be out of line to try and come between them because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. His birthday is a few months (sept to be exact, more so towards the end) would it he okay if I told him happy birthday? I feel saying anything right now will make him think that I'm jealous and trying to get his attention

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Leilani,

      I don't see any harm in contacting him even if he's in a relationship. If he's serious about his relationship, he won't respond. If he's not serious and it's a rebound, then it's going to end anyways regardless of you contacting him.

      It's OK to wish him happy birthday.

      Reply
    • Leilani

      How long can a rebound relationship last?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It can last upto six months, sometimes, even a year. If it lasts more than a year, then it's no longer a rebound.

      Reply
    • Leilani

      Saying "thank you" wouldn't be a big deal right? Should I say you're welcome after or leave it at the thank you? If he contacts after that then I should consider that he's interested otherwise move on?
      I haven't said anything to him since the beginning of April and I knew that it was a risk but I didn't think he would start a new relationship.
      Only reason I'm concerned is because I think I'm in love with him and I know parts will cross if meant but because I use to have the gut feeling that he would come back when he thought things were okay and seeing now that he's in a relationship I'm scared of being alone and that the gut feeling was actually just me giving myself false hope.

      Reply
    • Leilani

      It's hard to determine if it's a real relationship or a rebound we got into an argument in February and talked until the beginning of April when things really spiraled downhill and in spite of me telling him that I loved him and was sorry he told me about all the girls that like and want him and that they vibed together better than me and him ever did and after I asked if he ever really loved me he told me no. The relationship itself was posted on FB over the weekend (no name) and he does seem extremely positive with his outlook on life now but idk if it's real or a front. I worry because of the things he said and feeling like I felt it all alone but I question why even tried to be with me in the first place why'd he stick it out for two years and then just disappear, he even told me in February that he would be sticking around and I asked if he really wanted to and he said he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to and then he got mad about what I said and now a relationship. Could it be because he can see her as often as he'd like and I have a child that prevents me from being available 24/7

      Reply
    • Leilani

      Sorry it was so long

      Reply
  • jessica

    Hi Kevin my bf before breaking up with me said that he loved me and we were intimate then after he broke up he said not to look for him and not to ask to go back with him...he blocked me on fb and google he doesn't answer text messages however he did answer to my emails could he be confused or should I move on and stop analyzing he's behaviors

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jessica,

      It's your decision whether or not you should move on. You should however, apply no contact at least for one month.

      Reply
    • Jessica

      Kevin he called me angry at me BC I was on the same dating site he was...i was dumb enough to answer his call should I still apply no contact after he said he won't want anything with me

      Reply
  • iain

    hi kevin
    my ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago after being together 10 years she says she still loves me but her feelings have changed ? I have been a total mess we have been contacting each other on a daily basis and she has been crying a lot drinking a lot and not looking after herself I thought she was cheating on me while we were together but she says no but she was lying a lot which was not her I ask to meet up and she makes excuses but if I do see her she says she,s in a hurry on Tuesday I went to a friends house (male) I had a dr appointment earlier I seen her in the car while I was on a bus I text her and said just seen u hi she replied where are u I said in town she said how did docs go I said was there earlier im away to my friends she sent a text ohhh yeah your out with them like she was jealous I asked if she was and she said yes but she blows hot and cold everyday I cant manage no contact im at deaths door really hurting and feel so ill and alone and scared im just not sure what to do

    Reply
  • Ann

    Hi Kevin, I was on here a while ago after splitting with my partner of 10 years who had been having an affair. I did the NC and during that time he tried several times to contact me. I realised he was still seeing the other woman and told him to get lost. Since then we have exchanged stuff etc. and I am moving on with my life. Last night we were in the same town and had dinner together. Whereas I radiated positivity, confidence and a love for life, he seemed really down. Apparently he hadn't been to the gym since I left 2 months ago because he could not find the motivation - he always used to go to the gym every day. He said he had missed me badly and seemed to be probing as to whether or not I was with someone else. Anyway, we had a lovely evening and did not talk about the past relationship, just friendly banter and a lot of laughter, teasing and some flirting. When he dropped me off, he pulled me in for a long kiss. I do still really love him and would like us to give it another chance, obviously without the other woman in tow (if he is still with her, I did not ask). I just do not know if he wants me back or whether he kissed me as an ego boost. What do you think I should do? Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ann

      PS, I texted him an hour after he dropped me off and said" Thank you for a lovely evening and a lovely kiss. xxx" He did not reply....

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, the kiss definitely gave him an ego boost. But there's a good chance he is thinking about getting back with you. You should keep playing it cool. But don't get physical with him again unless he breaks up with the other girl.

      Reply
    • Ann

      Thank you Kevin! He just sent me a text stating that he has made an excuse to a common friend as to why I am not with him at an event this week - I am working apparently. I should add he has insisted we keep our joint account open and left me as his spouse on his work perks as well as listed as an occupant of the household although he has to pay an extra 25% local tax to do so.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      All good signs. In his mind, he sees you two together in the future.

      Reply
  • felicia

    I and my ex-boyfriend have broke up a few months back and i appear at his house the other day and he run away . Why did my ex-boyfriend run away when he sees me ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I could be a lot of reason. Perhaps he was surprised. Perhaps you did a lot of mistakes after the breakup which made him scared of you. You should follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • magnolia

    Hi,

    my ex broke up for the second time after a two years relationship incl. living together and this time it looks definite. He even admitted how much he still loves me and almost cried when we broke up, but said that this time he is sure about it because he thinks we fight too much and that we are too similar characters who are very stubborn and don't wanna give in when having arguments. He is not pissed, not tired of me and says we had the greatest time ever, but that he thinks because of our fights it won't work in the future. One week of NC already went by and I didn't hear anything from him (after he broke up for the first time he started contacting me again after a week already).

    Do you think he will come back? Or does it seem definite this time? What should I do? The five steps plan I already read. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a chance. However, try to work on your communication issues during NC. I highly recommend the book "Non-violent communications" by Marshall Rosenberg.

      Reply
    • Jess

      He could come back

      Reply
    • Jess

      When we broke up I was in tears too for weeks on end and still am now......how do I try be happy? Or at least hide it near him?

      Reply
    • Bau

      Honey sorond yourself with friends and leave that sicker alone I'm helping a friend and hers is just a dick but yah know that's just guys but be happy don't pretend

      Reply
    • Will Koch

      I know how you feel when me and my girlfriend broke up after dating for a year it was the worst week ever

      Reply
    • Jess

      Hi Kevin,
      Me and my ex have been broken up for almost 2 months now. The reason we ended is because I had a lot of stuff going on and I have a cousin in care, so because sometimes I were upset and wouldn't talk to him or others, he thought that he was the reason why I was upset so he decided to end the relationship even though he didn't want to and he was in tears, as soon as we broke up I came on your website and did the whole no contact thing and have been doing that since the very first day, at school he's been near me alot and helping me and talking to me alot well trying, and last night I was really upset so I messaged him and he replied and wouldn't go to sleep until I was happy even though he was very very tired and it was half 1 in the morning, he was there a good 2 hours cheering me up but funny thing is he messaged me first saying "hey, you ok" does this mean be likes me again? Should I stop the no contact thing and talk to him and explain he wasn't the reason why I was upset and tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth and see what happens or should I continue the no contact thing?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it's a good idea to start communicating with him again since you have done enough no contact and he is showing signs that he still likes you.

      Reply
  • David

    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks so much for your help, A bit has progressed since my last message and this might be a bit of a long message but I am very stuck as to what to do now!, Basically she has messaged me saying shes sorry it all had to end this way and that she wishes the situation was different and she met me in different circumstances.

    Anyways about 1-2 weeks pass with no contact from me, we got a lot of Mutual friends together and a meal was coming up this week, My friends messaged her, to which she said it might be awkward but said she would contact me to see if I minded and that she hasnt heard from me for a while.

    I calmly replied a few hours later saying it was ok if she came and I didnt think it would be awkward but its her decision, she said it would be awkward and so she wouldnt go, less than 30 mins later, she messaged me saying "disregard my messages then" and called a C*n*t and that I shouldnt just ignore her!...it was onyl 20 mins!! anyways few messages exchanged between us and she said "I have to be completely over you to be able to face ya.."

    2 days later she asked how I was and I have been replying, I do feel a lot better in myself and am not hanging on her everyword as much. But where to go from here I am at a loss!

    She has said she has started to "Slowly feel better herself" and we are having a little few messages, I also have Ryan's book and I think I am in "Deaths Door" but I just want to make sure and that I aint in "Drift"?

    My ultimate aim is to get her back as my girlfriend!

    My question really is,
    Am I in "Deaths Door" or "Drift" and If she messages me should I go down the "False Friendship" route and reply and go from there, or should I ignore her? I dont want to be safety net or come across as needy with her knowing that she can have me at any moment.

    But im not sure if her "feeling better" is a good sign as shes started talking to me...or a bad sign as in she isnt missing me and shes starting to move on.

    Thanks so much

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If she's talking to you, it's a good sign. I think you are in drift.

      Reply
    • David

      Reading your comment has just gave me the biggest smile ever whilst at work :) haha

      Thanks for your help and advice,

      Im trying not to respond to her instantly and playing it cool. If she leaves the conversation open ended, I dont always reply to open it up, i wait until she starts it back up and she has been doing this sometimes.

      So I will just continue talking if that is good! I did find out that just before we started talking, she was asking people how I was doing because she hasnt heard from me.

      Fingers Crossed!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Good Luck. :)

      Reply
  • KJ

    So I'm new to this whole playing the break up game and I need major help PLEASE! My now ex GF and I have known each other and been attracted for about 7 years but we never made a move until about 8 months ago. Everything was great for the first month we moved out of state together the works. Now 8 months later we are already broken up and I've moved to my own place. She hasn't forgiven me for lying to her about stupid conversations with my ex that I didnt think we're important. She was trying to make me pay for it for the past 7 months until I recently got fed up with her constant speeches that I should in essence be grovelling to win her back although she now tells me that she never promised I could win her back and that I should have wanted to prove myself whether she took me back or not (total BS in my book).
    Now that we have split, when I go back to the house to take care of my dogs until I can find them somewhere to stay while I'm couch hoping, she has mean remarks to make and snide comments and is just plain mean to me and tells me she has no respect for me and has nothing to say to me. We can't even be in the same room without her making smart comments about any and everything. I want to rekindle the relationship but I don't want to be beat over the head for my mistakes either. But now I just found out she is already entertaining someone else and doing the FB posts about how great life is, etc. Do I have a chance and what am I supposed to do now? Ughhh thoroughly confused.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You do have a chance. However, I cannot guarantee that she will learn to let go of the past and she won't use those mistakes in every argument you'll have in the future.

      Reply
  • Lando

    Hey Kevin,

    Me and my ex broke up a few months ago after our five year relationship since she "didn't feel "in love" anymore". It was about a month and a half after our break up she started seeing a guy at her work who also just gotten out of a long-term relationship. She was trying to keep her seeing him a secret from me since I had asked her multiple times if she was seeing someone and she replied no. The same day she told me, she told me that she thinks about me and our relationship on a daily basis. I decided to do NC (Which I should have done much earlier) and she texted me a week later asking how I was doing. It's been two weeks since ive talked to her last and yesterday she showed up at the PRIVATE park I live on (since she had a pass from when we were together) and decided to hang out with him right where I would see her. There're literally three parks, on the same lake, that are within walking distance of where she's living. Why come to the one out of your way and 30 seconds from your exs house? She says she's over me and moved on, which is fine with me, but shows differently when doing things like that. Do I just keep applying no contact or should I just move on with my life for good?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Keep applying no contact for at least 2-3 months. Whether or not you should move on is upto you and you will be able to make a better decision after 2-3 months of no contact.

      Reply
    • Lando

      This seems to be a recurring problem she has. She also left me a year ago, same situation, excuses, different dude. All the while, still posting pictures on her Facebook about how everything gets better.
      Thanks, Kevin!

      Reply
  • lemontree

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex (he's 30, I'm 26) broke up with me a week ago- For the second time.
    We were together for almost two years and for me our relationship was wonderful. We were over each other all the time, he always hold me hand, kissed me, cuddled with me, called and texted me all the time, wanted to be with me all the time.
    We moved in together and I moved out the first time we broke up- Which was ten months ago. The break up looked very definite because he even left me a letter saying goodbye and wishing my the best. At that time we didn't have contact for a few weeks, then we met and hooked up again and came back together. Ever since I was most at the time at his house but didn't officially live together with him again.

    Since he still hadn't asked me to move back in and since he doesn't talk much about our future as he used to (except of planning trips together or so) I asked him last week about our future and he said he doesn't know because we are fighting too much and that could be bad in the future. IMO we don't fight much at all, we just have the normal kind of arguments sometimes every couple has. But for him that's too much apparently and he doesn't wanna talk about it or solve anything. So a day later he broke up with me again, saying again that we fight too much and that he doesn't think that will be good in the future, that our characters are just too similar when it comes to being stubborn etc. He also said his feelings haven't changed even a bit, that he still loves me as much as before.

    We didn't have contact for a week, today I had to text him because I have stuff at his place I need to pick up tomorrow. From tomorrow I won't initiate any contact anymore. Do you think there is any chance he will come back to me? Or does it look like this time it's definite?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a chance. You should read the 5 step plan, if you haven't already.

      Reply
    • lemontree

      i've read it already. I went to pick up my stuff at his house today and from today I will go to No Contact.

      Thing is, when I went to his house today I could see how sad he is about our break up. He had tears in his eyes and everything. So I think he IS already missing me now that I'm gone, but he still wants the break up because he thinks we fight too much.
      Do you really think there is a good chance for me to get him back, even a second time?

      Reply
  • Holly

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a 2 and a half year relationship. He said we was having petty arguments. after the break up , one day he will say he wants space and then the next day he doesn't want anything to do with me. Yesterday I found out his on tinder dating app. What should I do ?

    Reply
  • Smith

    Hey Kevin, me and my gf have been together for 6 years. We have split up during this 6 years. But we got back together somehow. But it neglected this time. And she left me. Just about a week later she tells me she likes another guy. It's been more than a month. I tried the no contact rule, she texted me to see if I'm fine. Sometimes she treats me cold and hot. She also complains to me about her problems in life. The following day she treats me cold all of a sudden. I asked her once whether she missed me and she say no. I have no idea whether she still loves me or not or whether I have any chance of getting back together. I hope you can help me man.

    Reply
  • Jackson

    Hey Kevin,

    Thanks for this article. I would also like to get your opinion on my situation, any help is greatly appreciated.

    To make things short... my now ex, was the one who originally wanted a relationship. She was 18, I was 22 and we had a great connection and everything. It started last year after she broke up with her boyfriend. I did not want it in the beginning but she really coerced me into it -- I didn't complain as I did have some feelings for her. She was my best friend of 3 years.

    After being together for about 6 months, she started getting very negative towards me. We were arguing all the time about nothing (she was starting them), and it was a clear decline into breaking up. A few weeks ago, she did.

    She gave me all sorts of excuses like having to find herself, we've both changed, etc etc. I do admit that I lost my sense of self being with her. I got lazier, and less dominant and less cool. I admit I wasn't the same awesome person I was before. I got very angry at her and said all sorts of things to try and convince her that this was a bad decision and to try to fix it. This all pushed her away even further and now she just seems indifferent to me. She hardly asks what I'm doing or how I am when we used to contact eachother every day.

    Since the break up, I have managed to get my confidence back, but I still have feelings for her. I am trying to just replace her and get a rebound as soon as possible before I see her again. However, is there any chance of being able to repair this relationship? We were friends before the relationship and I can still talk to her, even though I try to avoid it as much as possible. It is too painful to know how little she cares about me now.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jackson,

      There's a good chance that you were her rebound. So your chances of getting back together are pretty slim. I am sorry to tell you this, but I think you should concentrate on moving on.

      Reply
  • Gary

    Hi Kevin. My ex and I had been seeing each other for about a year and a half. I joined her church, offered her an engagement ring, and we made plans to marry. I was to sell my house, bring my cat, and move in with her. As the date got closer I became more and more nervous about giving up my home. What if she wanted to kick me out in six months? I’d have no legal rights at all since it would not be a legal marriage. I spoke to her about postponing the wedding, and at first I thought she might agree to that. But she went and talked to a psychological counselor without me, and pretty soon she said the relationship was over and that she was moving on. She “unfriended” me and my family, and stopped answering emails.

    Well I have been on some dates, thinking I’d move on myself. I’ve met nice ladies who are interested in me. But the thing is I’m still in love with my ex-fiancé. I think about her all the time. I sent her an E-card for Easter and she responded with one of her own, but so far has only answered one email. I called her once and she said she'd like to start doing things together "as friends to start", but then went no contact on me again.

    I still would get back with her if given the opportunity. Is there a chance?

    Reply
  • KM

    Hi Kevin,
    I need your advice on a situation - mine is a little different from your articles (however they have helped me a lot) my ex and I recently stop talking 2 weeks ago. We have been off and on for about 3 years now and this time we were taking things slow. However another woman (who he has been involved with in the past before, DURING, and after us) was still in the picture and I didn't like it. He would explain they were just friends and all other kinds of rubbish I didn't (and still don't believe) and allowed her to write something on HER social network sites regarding him in a very non-friendly way.

    Finally I decided enough was enough and that was a slap in the face and we got into a huge argument about it. He still insisted it meant nothing, but he also said at this point we should take a break from eachother (there's no time limit on it) and I just said ok and haven't contacted him since that day. The argument was HORRIBLE and a lot of things were said that were below the belt - however that's sadly nothing out of the ordinary.
    I also told him I was "dating" someone else and they treated me way better.
    Now I see that him and her are still in communication. He still hangs out with her. Just still involved in that area. It pisses me off so bad I have no desire to contact him.
    However our history is always although I'm pissed at him I eventually give in and miss him and contact him and end up apologizing (for no reason) however this time there is NO WAY I would do that because what he did was so wrong.

    Being this situation is a little different do you think he still keeps in contact with her to piss me off? (He knows or obviously knew I looked at her social media) and lastly do you think he's really thinking anything of me not contacting him (I feel like he doesn't care because he has a doormat like her to entertain him - who also knew for a fact he was still involved with me BECAUSE I TOLD HER and showed her pictures however she doesn't care she's just so happy to get any attention)

    Nonetheless I just want the upper hand for once! I went respect! Do you think he even cares I haven't contacted him? I know it's only been 2 weeks, but usually I always contact him by now (EVEN if I did nothing wrong).

    I'll never be ok with him having other women in the picture - do men really respect when women allow this? It seems that him and her get along because she remains silent about him entertaining several women.

    I'm just hoping not contacting him and seemingly moving on with my life may finally open my eyes if there will be no change - there will be no me.

    Please respond!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is definitely thinking about you not contacting him. And if you continue to do so, there's a good chance he will contact you. Even if he doesn't and you choose to contact him, do so using the letter. Accept, don't apologize in the letter. Just say that you've accepted the breakup and hopefully you can catch up soon (as mentioned in the article). It'll still help you keep the upper hand.

      Reply
    • s

      Your wasting your time with him!!! They have a past history together and he was WITH HER while he was with you, really it doesn't take a genius to see he cares about HER MORE!!! Sorry darling don't wanna sound like a jerk here but YOU ARE the other woman and only a visitor in his life. Trust me I went through this same situation so do yourself a favor and find a man that puts YOU FIRST!!! Take care and stay the strong beautiful person you are!!

      Reply
    • Loyal

      This sound like my situation....girl please, he won't stop being friends w/her. The best thing for you to do is decide if you want him in your life or not! And play it cool cuz the more angry you get the less attractive you look and gives im reason to wanna be friends w/her. As for your break up Don't contact him...trust he's thinking about you, granted that he has a lil distraction. Don't give in and contact him. He is a manipulator, he's used to you running back! Confuse his ass. Stand up for yourself, he will respect you for it. BUT TRUST N BELIEVE he is thinking about you.

      Reply
  • Aravous

    Me and my ex have been together for 9 months. I never cheated on her, always been faithful, paid for everything almost, had great sex, slept together, went to church together, and had a good trust bond. But after a while she would bring up arguments, and we would argue. Most of the time I knew I was right, but she would see it as she's right. And said we couldn't solve our problems. Well towards the break up I told her I want to move on from the problems and focus on us. Well she looked at it as F*** her feelings. I never meant it that way I just wanted to make it better so she broke up with me. Since then I've been feeling stressed and I've been in pain to where I can barely stay active as I use to. I don't do much with myself because I did most of it with her.. lately ive been trying to convince her that I'm sorry for making it seem that way and bought her gifts because she said ive caused damage to her through not solving problems. Then she said thats something a friend shouldnt do so she told me she doesn't want to be friends, and there is no chance at all for us getting back. She also blocked me on her instagram. We've been broken up for about 2 months. I still have strong feelings for her and cant get over her. Im trying the no contact rule also to see if she really mean that. Well my main question is should I give up or keep trusting God that things will work out and is there still hope although she says there isn't?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You should do no contact for at least two months. You can probably get her back but I think you won't be able to have a healthy long term relationship with her. If what you said is right, she has a lot of communication issues and she makes impulsive decisions.

      Reply
    • Bigor

      Bro she caused all those problems, because she was talking/smashing some other guy. Forget her and meet other women.

      Reply
    • Cantsum

      You're just the type of guy Kevin didn't want to see on his site. Go back to AskMen or that lot. Thanks :)

      Reply
    • Adele

      Aravous, I am in a similar situation but on a flip side. Sometimes we, women, do things we don't mean.. We do it to see our men's reaction and so he would reassure us that we are loved.. I did it to my bf and I deleted him from istagram and tweeter and you name it, but I wanted him back badly.. Don't over analyze, just try to give her space. She will come around.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Kevin,
    Ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. Pretty much boiled down to her not being ready to get married and that kind of commitment. We both talked about getting married, engagment etc. I think the reality set in and scared her off. We talked some off and on, took her a month to move most all of her stuff out. Our converstions now are sometime relatively normal, then she will go to being angry with me. She has a few things left at my house, blames me for not letting her know my schedule to come get them and that she's too busy, last week she told me she forgot or must have deleted the tet when we agreed she would come grab them on her lunch break. She always makes sure to let me know what shes been doing when we talk and why shes been so busy. Looking for some advice to go forward.

    Reply
  • Ray

    My ex and I were together for 8 months. During the last month I got into a real negative funk and felt really down about myself. I felt bitter about something that happened at work. Prior to this our relatonship was great. We almost never argued and if we did I always tried to make it funny by doing something silly. I fell in love with her and most people I talk to say they saw she fell in love with me. Because of my funk I said three weeks ago maybe we should end it. I didn't really mean it but I panicked when she asked if I loved her. I said no but I was afraid because of my parents divorce and how it affected me. We are 30 and 31. After a week of texting and flowers I went over and talked to her. She said things that weren't true and made me seem like the worst thing that ever happened to her. She had previously told me many times I was the best boyfriend she ever had. I don't know if all the things she said that weren't true were just out of anger. What should I do? I love her and I haven't contacted her since that day but I did send her a present a week ago.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Ray

      Does the present count as breaking no contact? I didn't see her at all I just had it mailed to her house.

      I don't know if all those things she said were out of anger. I bought her a dog for Christmas and she loves him. She said it many times but when we spoke she was so quick to say take him if it will make you feel better.

      What do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's preferred if you start no contact again after sending her the present.

      Reply
  • kylelord88

    My gf broke up with me over a month ago, after the break up i made all the mistakes i anyone would do being desperate and needy, i started nc today coz all ive seemed to do is say hurtful things or begged for her to take me back, i was texting her yesterday telling her im sorry for the things i put her through and that im not im not the same guy i was back then, last time we did nc it only lasted a week then we got back together, ive said some really hurtful things out of anger and i think ive really ruined my chances, she said she loves me like she loves her brother but shes not in love with me, any advice?

    Reply
  • Jen T

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex (29 y.o) confused me (29 y.o). Since we broke up, he told me he didn't want to have any contact with me. We said to each other this will be the real "break up", because for three years we've been on and off. But after 1.5months, suddenly he invited me for a tea(!). He never drank tea.

    We've met at his house because I need to pick up some of my stuff there. When I saw he acted like he's not interested in me anymore, I've lost it. Despite of my initial plan of playing it cool, I ended up telling him that I missed him and tried to kiss him. After denying it at the first time, he confessed that he missed me too. However, he refused to kiss me.

    When I told him I will move out my stuff after my exam, he rejected it. He said that I always can keep it at his house (I'm a foreigner in his country). Am I only a back up, hence he wanted the guarantee he can get me back whenever he wants as long as he still has my stuff? Because if he is really over me, he would not want my stuff in his house, right?

    His best friend told me that my ex has been sleeping again with his-ex-before-me not long after we broke up (something that he did once we broke up last year).
    But when I asked my ex, he said he will never ever get back with that-other-ex again.

    My brain almost exploded. I don't understand the game he is playing now. He never not want to kiss me. The whole 3 hours when we met, he didn't behave like a normal him, like forcing an awkward smile and trying so hard to keep distance from me. Plus he got rid all of my stuff that laying around in his room+bathroom and store it in closet. I assumed this is for the sake of the-other-ex. He also uses different cologne now. I am hurt and confused. Please help me. What does he actually wants?

    PS : I did the no contact rule 2x. I am clueless.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You shouldn't have told him that you missed him. He was testing if you are still not over him and you showed him that you aren't. He knows that you will take him back whenever he wants. Read the 5 step plan and start no contact again.

      Reply
  • Brian Hall

    Hey me and my ex_ been broken up for about 3 weeks now I stopped all contact with her so its been 3 days since I talked to her now she talking to another guy now so I was just going to leave her alone then out of the blue she wants to call me every bad name u can think of then sends a picture of her in a wedding dress and her friends in a best made dress saying she's getting married should I congradulate her or say nothing and let it be

    Reply
  • Everlyn

    My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago after the break up we did have have contact for a couple of weeks later we stop talking and months later after the break up he had got together with a "friend" of mine, they didnt last much for what I know. 2 months later he blocks me of fb and probably everything he can. I see him every now and then after the break up mo hi or bye just simply stare at each other . I have had 2 relationships after that one but it seems he will always have a place in me because I constantly think of the nice relationship we had, he talks to my mother like nothing and asks her about me idk what is that about.. What should i do.. Should i talk to him again.. What can it mean.. Does he like me still.. Just confused of what to do..

    Reply
  • KJ

    Just wondering if this applies for the other end of the NC rule as well? My gf brought up that we should have no contact. What would i do in this case? Should i wait for her to txt me first or should i be txting her? And what are the chances that she still wants to get back with me?

    Reply
  • Cyntia

    Hi Kevin,

    I was with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have been quarrelling quite a bit after our honeymoon period ended. We had been trying to work things out together, trying to achieve mutual understanding between our situation. But the quarrels continued. I just returned from an study exchange program in late April, everything was fine through out the time I was away, we exchanged frequent emails and spoke over the phone every other weekend. However, when I was about to return to give him a surprise that I was back, I received a text which he mentioned that his feelings faded and he is no longer the same person 4 years ago. Telling me that things would never work out for us, we are never on the same page and mindsets. He goals and thinking have changed, dragging the relationship wouldnt benefit either of us. He didnt want to meet up to talk things out, he just ended the relationship over text. He then blocked me out on Facebook. He recently started out working full time and is currently studying part time double degree. I understand that he is overwhelmed with the load in his life, but I have no idea how to let him believe that the relationship would work out this time unlike before.
    I have recently got the Relationship Rewind, Im a little lost with the book and I was wondering how do I send my questions to Ryan to clarify some doubts. Ryan mentioned not to use the No Contact, but you recommended using that. Im confused if I should opt for No Contact before sending the first text to get the False Friendship started. I really want him back so bad, but I understand that he needs his space too!
    *Help*

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Cyntia,

      Your relationship falls under the death's door section of relationship rewind. You should do no contact for a few months.

      Reply
    • Cyntia

      How long do you recommend I should opt for No Contact, will the relationship rewind still work by the time I complete No Contact?

      Thanks

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'll recommend two months. I can't guarantee that it'll work. But it's your best bet at this moment.

      Reply
  • Sharon

    Hi my name is Sharon. My ex girlfriend ended our relationship after 2 months shy of 4 years together. There was a lot of chaos with her 19 year old daughter her daughters boyfriend and their 1 1/2 year old baby that lived with us. I couldn't handle her enabling the kids to the point that our house was just totally trashed so I bitched about it constantly and she was an emotional wreck due to her enabling. She said she just was not happy anymore and didn't think I was happy. That's the truth neither of us were happy due to all the chaos going on in our lives. She got in a relationship a week later with her first female lover from 17 years ago. Here's the kicker we still live together because we signed a 5 year lease together and have 3 years to go and my landlord will not take my name off the lease making it very difficult to find a place to live. It's been 4 months now and she finally kicked the kids out. I moved to the top floor apt of our house so there is now some separation. And her new girlfriend of 4 months is here all the time. Pretty tough situation and pretty messed up yet I'm still in love with her. I pretty much keep my distance and don't hardly text her but she will text me on a pretty regular basis. I decided to go to counseling and am making the effort to take a good look at myself and grow from all of this. I can't really tell what her motives are. Am I an option to her? Does she question her choice to leave me? Is she just using this new girl to ease her own pain? I mean it did not work 17 years ago for a reason. I've had long term relationships end and did not go thru emotional pain and confusion like this one has brought. I have always felt like she was the one I'm supposed to be with forever. Maybe this was supposed to happen so we can both grow to be better people. I'm just keeping the focus on me for now. Any thoughts on my situation?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      She does probably question her decision. Her relationship is probably a rebound that she is using to ease her pain.

      Reply
  • Christopher

    Hello Kevin,

    My ex and I have almost been broken up for 6 months and I've been blocked on Facebook since January, although I am sure she still looks. I noticed on her Facebook that she has hinted at me, calling me a huge d-bag and referencing me. My question is, why is she so bitter? We haven't talked in over 2 months and I haven't done/said anything for her to be mad/angry at me. What gives if she doesn't care/moved on? Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Because she hasn't moved on. Like I said in the article, any sign of emotions means she still has feelings for you.

      Reply
    • Christopher

      What do you think stops an ex from reaching out if they still have feelings towards you, Kevin?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Ego, trying to be consistent with their decision, feat of how you'd react, fear that it will make them look weaker. And for the immature ones, thinking that they'll "lose the breakup" if they contact you.

      Reply
  • Diana

    Hey, I am going through a tuff situation with my partner. We were together for 8 months. When we broke up I was very needy and despreate but then I stop contacting him. Now, we are talking again. I tried everything in my power to make this work and I even told him I love him. At the moment he sends me mix messages. He wouldn't text me first but when I do he replies right away; however, I didn't text him yesterday and he haven't text me. I believe he's still hurt and confuse. I want to follow the no contact rule again but this time not reply back. If he contacts me and I ignore it, when should be the best time to call or text him again? Keep in mind it was a very bad break up, I wouldn't want him to feel like I don't care or if I'm doing something. I wouldn't want him to give me the same treatment if I don't reply back and decide to contact him another day . I love him and I dont want to lose him.

    Reply
  • Mike

    Okay so my girlfriend of 2 years broke up about 2 months ago now, and ever since we broke up shes been talking to another guy, and after a month of being broken up they started dating, and now they've been dating for a month now, after we broke up we talked for a few weeks, i tried everything to get her back, I made every single mistake that you've listed on your website, I went into no contact but I ended up breaking and txting her asking to talk, now a week ago she calls me, and we talked, everything went okay, then we stopped talking, but then she ended calling me back an hour later and told me she treats her new boyfriend badly because of me? I just wanted to know what does that mean, does she still care about and just cant get me off her mind? I just really need to know, and if we have any chance of getting back together, I lied about some stupid things in our relationship but she did somethings to so it wasnt all me, everyone tells me to let her go, and I kind of have, I've been talking to a new girl but it just isnt the same, I just want to know what all this means, help.

    Reply
  • Lucinda

    Hey Kevin,
    My boyfriend dumped me a week ago after a 3 and a half year relationship. The relationship ended due to long distance but we've been lucky as we went to the same school previously and we were still able to see each other in our free time (I had to be the one to see him most of the time due to complications). We broke up once before but it was a mutual decision but both realised soon after this was a mistake and I did do no contact for 2 weeks and we got back together because he was still mad about me. But this time the break up is official for a lot of reasons, he's also busy and doesn't have the time for me, I guess he had enough of my moaning and ended it . He used to tell me things such as 'he wants to marry me' etc but anyway he ended it by saying there was too much stress and I had my own issues to sort out and that he doesn't love me anymore and deserve better (cliché). He actually said 'it's not you it's me' (i totally couldn't believe those words came out his mouth). But anyway, I know we had a good relationship but because he didn't put enough effort it and just gave up on us, I'm wondering whether
    A) if he's worth wanting to get back together in the future. I still love him but he didn't make enough effort in the relationship.
    B) we're both about to start college together and go to the same one (but doing different subjects) later this year (we're still very young and only in our early 20s) and I don't know if I should not think to see him or talk to him until then. But it'll be the first time we don't have to deal with distance.
    C) we have a holiday coming up soon with a group of friends in about 3 months time and I don't know if I should still go.
    D) I will do the no contact rule but how long should I wait before talking (not even sure that I do want to because I'm so angry)
    E) I said some hurtful things after he ended it with me but I've not spoken since, does the hurtful words ruin my chances?
    Thanks and sorry for the really long message!
    Luce

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      A) It's for you to decide. No contact will help you make that decision.
      B) I'll recommend you do no contact for two months. IF you still want him back, contact him.
      C) After two months of no contact, if you still want to get back with him, and he is warm when you contact him, then you should go on the holiday.
      D) 2 Months
      E) No

      Reply
  • nmmsrl

    Hi Kevin,
    i write you from Italy... so here i go with a complicated story: i had a beautiful and lovingly 26 y.o. girlfriend on a different city (2 hrs away). I am a 43 y.o. attractive, experienced, young looking man with an 8 y.o. daughter that i grow up by my self (she has been abandoned when 1 y.o.). Our relation was really "top", we where both willing to move and live together, she adored my daughter and my daughter loved her. Yet, after 6 months of relation, where we both met each other families, before moving to her town, my ex went into a deep crisis about becoming my daughters new mom. This crisis went on for over a month with her crying, not sleeping, having stomach aches and blaming on her about her being "incomplete" and unable to handle the situation... it was a really bad time for her, and for me. This obviously disappointed me, but i was close to my ex trying to understand her and telling her its not her fault, it is the situation that is "big", that she is young and with time she could accept that better. At the end she left me (and my daughter). On the following weeks i entered into the "needy" state and contacted her (not often, about 5 times in the last 5 months). I also became paranoic and spied her FB page, and out of my frustration, i also insulted her after her last reject (what a stupid man!). On these contacts she always kept her position and always rejected me. In the meanwhile, i have done LOTS of self improvements (which i actually needed for myself), and i have arranged with my family to take care of my daughter 2 weeks per month as to have the space/time to have a "normal" private life -willingly with my ex- and without involving my daughter. I wanted my ex to now the changes and improvements i've made with myself and my life organization (which, believe me, are big), and as we are in different cities, i wrote her an elegant email, NOT pleading, yet excusing me of my last errors and thanking her for the beautiful relation we had and for the great things i made after because all of the emotions she gave me (positive and negative) "opened" my eyes to make my life better. I also told her that it is a pity that "this" renewed man is not on her arms. Yet, i had no response at all... In the past months she is having a lot of social life and i truly believe that she is dating other men. What i know is that i have never had such emotions before her, and that i really would like to have her back. Returning with her could also give me the opportunity to live a very very cool life in a very cool context in her town. Now, after her choice of leaving me (and the choice is an important one, it goes against her actual expectations in life), and after all her rejections, it is hard to believe i could get her back... what do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I think you have very little chance of getting her back unless she is ready to become a Mom to your daughter. You can try the 5 step plan and it might even work. But the original issue will still not be resolved. I'll recommend you concentrate your efforts in moving on.

      Reply
  • Marissa

    I have to see my ex frequently. We work together and also go to the same gym, our kids play in the same baseball league. He flirts with me all of the time at work, the gym, and in texts. But it is very hot and cold. I purchased Relationship Rewind and started ignoring his texts and such. Then he came on strong at the gym forcing himself into my space. Then he stopped. Yesterday at the gym he told me he was going to go out on a date. I attempted to control my emotions by not saying anything more than cool and then making an exit. Should I have said something else?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You did the right thing. A date doesn't really mean anything. Even if he starts a relationship, it'll probably be a rebound.

      Reply
  • Sharon

    Dear Kevin,
    First of all, I want to let you know that I am a non native English speaker, so I hope you can understand my message with poor English.
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me on the 18th of May (2 days ago), and we were in a close relationship more than 1 year which we were introduced by our mutual friend in Kunming last April. I am from HK and he is from UK. Back to the time we first met I was 37 and he was 42 and we both never been married.

    Things went excellent from the beginning ,and we moved in together right after a week after dated a few days.We just non stop talking until midnight. And then we went to Malaysia for a trip to visit his brother because he brother married a Chinese Malaysian wife in KL, and they got in new borned baby. At the same time his parents were also there for a visit. After a few days spending time with his family and we flied to Penang to visit my Dad because my Dad emigrated there for quite some time. His parents like me and my dad likes him.

    So we got back to Kunming after a vacation, things been great still, but slowly there were arguments over small things and along hurtful words, because I admit that we both tried to protect ourselves and didn’t know how to react when we were fighting for some things. We all have problems, but he has a big one that came from a 6 years depressed relationship with his ex before me, that he said she has some mental issues but they kept the relationship unhappily, she shouted at her, broke in to his apartment etc… Therefore when it came to my relationship with him, he has this shadow and somehow treated me like I am his ex, and he shouted me a lot and he also have some drinking issues, but now he gotten better and drink less.

    Things still work out OK until last September, we went to the UK his home and also visited his parents, we spent a 3 weeks in the UK. Happy but also some small arguments especially when he was drinking during night.
    Things are still not too bad until this February which I called off a break up because he has to fly all the time, and we sort of increasing arguments because I always see him 3 weeks and he has to leave for 3 weeks, because he is an airport sorting system engineer which he is required to fly many places to do his job. Also of course the hurtful words of each other. So after I called off a break up I flied to Xiamen for a trip, and that time was the trip I finally stepped out of Kunming myself, and I realized how much I love him, it was like I can totally accept all his shortcoming and knowing that he will be the one I want to spent my entire with, and I would also like to change improve myself to make his happy too. I called, I apologized and told him that I loved him and I made a huge mistake of saying break up because I did not know how much I careuntil I stepped away myself from this place. He sounded very hurt and said we can have a try. But things will not be the same as before because you hurted me. And I cannot love you like before, and want to marry you like before. I hurted him :(
    Then from this March to April we tried to work things out, it has been good until in April that he brought back news when he returned home one day while I was cooking dinner. He said he has to leave this project in this June, and the whole team will be retreated. (We were all sad and worried) Also his company broad has a big change in this period. He was verbally confirmed by a boss that he worked for more than 16 years will promote him to a Director, but this boss had been stepped down. Of course he wasn’t happy about it and really had some deep thought whether he wants to resigned for this company that he been working for 16 year. Or should he be working for another company in Japan?
    We were first planning to go to the UK together, and he said we can first get married, and see whether can apply me me a working visa, so we can work together save money to maybe start up a family and have kid, because we are not young. But then this thing has been a trigger. In this month he did not kiss me hold me or even make love with me. ( I guess he has just too much in him mind about his future career, he was tense!!)
    In this May. 1st of May he needs to fly back to the UK headquarter and needs to discuss with the broad and see whether they can make a better deal to carry on. But this time is weird, because most of the time he would have call me when he arrived the airport and home safe but this time he didn’t text or call for 7 days. I noticed that he has a lot in mind that’s why I was really being patience to give him space. I did not text him at all during these 7 days. On the 8th day I cannot stand it and text him “How can you not even text me or call me while you’re back, it’s a week” (Of course I know it’s something stupid to say after I visited your website…) And then he said "I can call if you want me to"? I was just sad and protecting myself and said, “If I need you to ask, then it has no meaning” And then he said he wants another week to have some peace of mind, which he planned to ride a bike to Scotland, to think about his next step and in this period and he determined not to drink any alcohol at all. So I supported him and said OK, just call me when you returned from this trip. And on the 18th of May (2 days ago) he called and said want to cut off with me. I asked why all in a sudden (calmly), he said that things were so difficult between us, and I cannot love you like the way before. He said "I have tried from the last month, but I do not have feelings for you anymore". So tried to be calm said, "OK I respected your decision but I deserved to know the truth, are you with someone new"? He said "No". I asked for a few more times because I trusted my intuition. He said "why you think in this way?" I said," because I had a strong feeling that you might probably met someone new". Then he replied, "yes, I met her on the plane while flying back to the UK. She is a Chinese from Manchester, 32."
    I am sad but he at least he is telling me the truth. So I asked "can you tell me that you don’t love me anymore?"
    He lower his tone and said I don’t. And I said OK. I am just curious, you guys already together. He said No, we have no future, we just texted to each other a lot but I like her very much, and so does she.

    So I totally respected his decision since his heart no longer with me. I am so depressed and hope to find out whether he still love me, or a chance to get him back. Because we will MAYBE see one more time if he has to required to come back in June or July to take care the last thing of his project, and also the apartment we are living in.

    So that’s the whole story. Kevin, I hope you can give me some indication, and maybe tell me
    1) If there's any chance my ex still love me and will he come back?
    2) Would that girl be a rebound person that he met on the plane? Or that could be his true love
    3) From your experience I wish to know can we get back together?
    Your prompt reply is appreciated. Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      1. It's hard to say. At this age, he is probably looking to settle down. That's why he tried a relationship with you even when he thought his feelings are not the same. And it didn't work for him. It's hard to say if he will want to try again.

      2. It can be rebound. Again it's hard to say.

      3. There's a chance. But you will have to let it be his idea. If you want to pursue him, you shouldn't approach him directly. Follow the plan. If it doesn't work, move on.

      Reply
    • Sharon

      Sorry Kevin. I will heed to your advice. But if I should follow the plan which one shall I follow. Of course I will try to move on. But hope there's a chance. Thank you very much

      Reply
    • Sharon

      Kevin,
      It's me again. I have been listening to your advise and your emails, also no contact rules. In this period we did texting each other just for the apartment, that's all. And I am accepting the fact he want to have a new life. But the point is he will come back on the 14th of June for 3 weeks, we are living in the same apartment. I don't know how to deal with it. I hope you can give me some advise:
      1) When he got back how should I react?
      2) We have only one bedroom and a couch, but I don't think we should sleep in one bed anymore. How to handle this nicely?
      3) What attitude to make him attracted to me again?
      Thanks for your help

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      1. Be cordial but don't show him that you need him. You should have plans for yourself during the time he is living there. Schedule your week beforehand so you know what to do. Go out often.

      2. Yes, you shouldn't sleep on the same bed. You can tell him this and discuss who should sleep on the couch.

      3. Same as one. Be happy and confident in your life. Give him the impression that you are moving on.

      Reply
    • Sharon

      Sorry Kevin,
      One more question to ask. I want to know from your perspective, is there any chance that my ex and I will get back together. Well he will be back for 3 weeks on the 14th of June. Any rules that I need to follow, since we will be living in the same apartment. I hope to win him back. I have the strong feelings that he is the one. Your prompt reply is appreciated
      Thanks
      Sharon

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sharon,

      I do think you have a chance. Although, I can't really say how much. But I definitely think it's worth trying. I have written about the rules in this article.

      Reply
  • Ryan

    I feel I have quite an interesting situation. I haven't done anything like this before because I feel there's no way I could fully explain everything but I'll admit I'm rather desperate for some outside opinion.

    My ex and I had a relationship for about a year and half, I'm now 23, she's 22. I've never had anyone quite like her before, she was devoted and pure emotion. It may be relevant to note that I was her first. During our relationship I broke up with her multiple times. I treated her inconsiderately, no regards for her feelings, I feel that I used her and was childish. However we would always come back to each other shortly after, because even though I was childish, she could be also. We had and still have a strong bond which brought us back together every time. This time however, it's been more serious. We broke up the final time about 6 months ago and had a couple flings up until around 3 months ago when I thought I was completely over her. She said she was attracted to someone else so I ended it all and started dating someone new (all 3 of us work together, to top it all off) without nearly enough time in between. I made an irrational decision. She sent me some of the most hateful texts I've ever read. We haven't talked for 2 months. She dated that person she said she was attracted to and it didn't last long.

    I'm now still talking to the rebound girl, but unfortunately I have a powerful connection for my ex that seems impossible to break. Even when I thought everything was over and I was into someone else, she has slowly crept back into my mind. It's escalated to where now I dream about her almost all night every night. I don't know if it's really her or if it's my guilt about treating her so inconsiderately. All I know is that I've never had such an unbreakable connection to someone. We haven't talked in months, and now she has started to say hello and talk to me in short friendly conversations again.

    I guess the jist of it all is that I hurt her. ALOT. I always kept her at an arms length, she told me she loved me and I never said it back. I now have realized that she is someone I could seriously commit to, and I genuinely feel remorse for the person I was to her. I need her to know these things, preferably with the apology and expression of my own personal growth that she inspired coming first.

    I know this is not quite the normal situation, I am sitting on the other side of the people your guide is aimed towards. I ended it, and now I want her back, but I feel this situation needs to be handled delicately. No contact has technically already been applied, by her (whether intentional or not). It worked. Do I have any chance? Do you think she still has feelings or have I damaged this relationship too irreparably?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You have a pretty good chance. The relationship you damaged is already over. The one you will start now will be a new one. Make it great.

      Reply
  • Regretful

    Hi Kevin, I'm in a strange situation. Me and my ex girlfriend of a little over a year broke up. I cheated on her online, never anything physical. She was pissed to the almighty realm for what I had done. In a panic, I pleaded and begged for her forgiveness and to get her back. I've even sent her a dozen roses, handwritten apology cards and balloons, to no avail but a "thank you" and "I love them, their beautiful!". I've even contacted her close contacts to try and ask them for advice on what to do, but they'd all say give her space. So after that I've decided completely stop all of the begging. So after that was over, we have been rocking solid, as far as friends go. I've shown her the person I was at the great part of our relationship. One night we had went jogging and once we stopped running she said, "I don't want to lose you. If you ever left my life I'd be hurt.". That gave me a boost in confidence and made me feel good. The thing about us is that, we don't have friends other than the two of us that we can hang out with. Even in our relationship, we considered one another bestfriends as well as lovers. We even still cuddle and exchange "I love yous" occasionally. It feels great, even though we aren't exclusive. We had gotten into an argument over the rent recently (once again, my fault). Few days after that, and even though the rent situation still isn't resolved, we've became friends again. I feel as though NC will not be doable in my situation. The short stint where I've tried to give us a little space, she always wants to joke around with me and stuff. The other day I was going into separate rooms from her to kind of give us space, and I ca only do so much in a one bedroom apartment, but she was like "are you avoiding me?". I insisted I wasn't, though I was. I'm afraid to be in this situation because I'm getting the feeling like I'm in the friendzone. We cuddle, play around (non-sexually), but there's no sex. Oh wait, excuse me, we do actually fool around a little. Kevin, is no contact even an option in this situation? I feel like we're getting along great and I love this feeling but I am afraid that this is cushioning the blow from the breakup, and Is keeping her from being able I miss me, since we see one another everyday, every night. Which path should I go? Should I continue to be her friend, in hopes that she'll see the guy she fell in love with from the start? Or, should I shy away and do limited contact, in hope that she'll miss the exciting me and ask for me back? I'm stuck.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I'll recommend you continue like this for a month or two and if there's no development, tell her you need some time to deal with the breakup and start no contact.

      Reply
  • Max Tower

    Hi Kevin,
    Me and my ex broke up a bit more than a month ago, during this period of time we didn't really talk to each other a lot, but about a week ago I decided to text her to check on her, and we had a massive catch up on the stuff that happened recently, she was even telling me stuff that no one knew and no one was supposed to know (not anything sexual). She even was asking to keep the stuff like that as a secret. But then after the whole evening of chatting, she needed to go to sleep so we just said goodbye to each other and stopped talking. She wasn't texting me ever since. Does this mean that she sees me only as a friend now? Should I wait for her to text first or should I be the one who always starts a conversation at this point?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Give her a week. If she doesn't text, then you text her. It doesn't necessarily mean she sees you just as a friend. It's possible she still has feelings for you.

      Reply
    • Max Tower

      We spoke a week after as you said. we were talking for about 2 days non stop but after that time the conversation got pretty much basic and general so we just stopped talking.Well she's abroad now, and I was told that she has a thing with a new guy there, but I was told that this thing is not really serious since she doesn't live there, still do I need to talk to her or should I just wait until she comes back?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Send her a text. If she's cold, wait.

      Reply
    • Max Tower

      Everything was same as a I said before. We seem to have a nice conversation but then it ends and she never starts one, so after the last conversation I haven't spoken to her for more than a month. Today I saw her in person by accident because we were invited to the same house. She was being really nice and she asked a couple of questions like "how are you?" And "how did you get that scar?" And we had fun in the pool with our friends as well, she was laughing at most of my jokes but apart from that we really weren't speaking a lot. Also I found out that the actual reason that we broke up was that I was too clingy. What should I do at this point?

      Reply
  • Paula

    My ex and I had been dating for 4 months when his sibling died unexpectedly. We were always together until he went away for the funeral...before all this happened he said he loved me...i had a hard time saying it back. while gone, he barely spoke to me and out of anger, I told him he should come get his things...he responded the next day with wow ok and hasnt spoken to me since...I have tried saying sorry so many times but he completely ignores me and blocked me on facebook..no response at all...I stopped texting him about 3 weeks ago...but I am heartbroken..he was what I wanted and I pushed him away...on facebook 2 weeks later, he was already involved with someone else...Is he hurt or does he hate me?

    Reply
  • Jaden

    Hi, i have been with my girlfriend for 4.5 months absolutely perfect had a holiday booked all going so well and perfect. In the recent month or so ive been out with my friends alot over the weekends and we have had a few arguments when i have been drunk whilst out, anyway all was well until she was supposed to be coming round on friday (last friday) but because she was working the next day and up really early i told her that she had may aswell go home and get some rest. She did and i went out with my friends got really drunk and she found out i had told her to not come over and gone out. She ended it there and then so i thought i would give her some time the next day to calm down so didnt contact her at all. I contacted her on sunday and she told me that i am not going on holiday and we are over for good. So i bought her flowers delivered to her work, left her a couple of nice gifts on her car for her to come out of work to. I begged and pleaded that i was sorry and want her back but she wouldnt even speak to me face to face. All she has done is try to make me jealous posting up half naked pictures and going out in very sexy revealing outfits. She told me that she is really angry and upset and she cannot forgive me for this so we are completely over for good. What do you think of the situation? And what should i do? Will she come back ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jaden,

      If an act of simple miscommunication is making her end the relationship, then chances are that she is not ready for a relationship and was looking for a reason to end it. I don't think you should pursue a relationship with someone who can make such a big deal of a simple miscommunication.

      Reply
  • Esther

    Kevin,

    What if your ex refuses to answer phone calls and texts? Most people I know have phones, but rarely pick up. And I just tried to text my ex on an alternative number. He isn't responding because he's not seen the number. Either that or he's in a bad mood. This happened when I went on Unknown too.

    And, I think he has moved pretty frequently. My last option would be email or Skype. I've already tried to talk to him on Skype; he was too angry. A lot of people won't respond to all of those mediums except Skype, so.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do no contact for another month and email him.

      Reply
    • Esther

      Well one of my friends talked to him today. He stopped with the cops thing and seems to have calmed down a bit. Still, he insisted on calling me "a creepy stalkerish ex who thinks I'm gonna take her back".

      Also, "I just want her out of my life."

      I'm thinking maybe extend the NC until even next year. If he's already this PO'd the month is nothing. I already tried it. I'm thinking August at the soonest. What do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I agree with you.

      Reply
  • Lilly

    My ex and I have been together for four years...off and on for two years. This is the fourth time he has broken up with me. The reasons he said were: He doesn't want to be with one person for his whole life (we are in college and both 19). He thinks there is something/someone better out there for him. He thinks I am holding him back from great experiences. These have been the reasons for all the breakups but he has always come back within about and month and a half. I had never used no contact before and he still came back. This time I decided to start no contact right after he broke up with me. Its been a little over three weeks and I haven't heard from him. He was acting weird the last few weeks of the relationship. One day he would be super nice and tell me how much he loved me and then the next day he would completely ignore me. I think he's confused.... I thought he would have contacted me by now because this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him. Do you think he is missing me and will be contacting me soon to get back together like he has the past few times. Or does it sound like this could be the end?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is missing you. But I don't think you should get him back. Even if you do get him back, he'll leave again because he will always think there is something better out there for him. Let him go and if he realizes that there is no one better than you for him, he'll come back. Meanwhile, you should explore your options as well.

      Reply
  • Sloane

    Hi Kevin, I broke up with my boyfriend after over year together because of a lot of issues we couldn't resolve. He recently had a baby with a woman he slept with once about six months before he met me. She told him she was 5 months pregnant once before we started dating. The baby is fine but the baby mama is infatuated with him and caused a lot of stress. He's doing the right thing supporting his baby and seeing her everyday but the baby mama wants him and bc he's trying to be a good dad and keep good relations, he accommodates her every whim and doesn't set boundaries. On top of that, we've had job-related stresses to deal, money issues, etc, so we've had many arguments and a few break ups in between that lasted a few days at the most. We've been through more in a year than most couples but we love each other and though it's volatile we always make up. I broke up with him and took all my stuff last week - another fight about his baby mama. He thought we were really over this time and he was devastated. I called him 2 days later but this time he was angry and said I had messed him up too much this time with the break ups and he didn't want to get back together. He defriended me on Fb. I called him a few more times over the past couple days and he is still furious with me and the last call he hung up on me and said I get him so upset and talking to me is making him mad and makes him remember all our fights. He's still angry. I sent him a final text a couple days ago that I'm not going to contact him again and I realize this break up is real and I'll move on. It's only been a few days with no contact. I know he still loves me but he is so angry this time that I think we're done. What do you think.

    Reply
  • Sherry

    Kevin,
    About a month ago, my ex left me. We had been together for 4 years and he loved my daughters as his own. The past couple of months had been very volatile with fighting. Enough to the point that some nasty things had been said by both of us. I made him feel as though he could never make me happy but that was because of my own issues and I have owned them. The worst part was that I took my engagement ring off and threw it at him. That was the clincher. He swore he would never get engaged again so when he proposed to me, it was a big deal and I threw it in his face. He cried as he was packing and he cried as he was leaving. He told me he didn’t want to lose our friendship. Even though we are not together he tells everyone that I was the “best thing that ever happened to him” and that he “will always love me”. He loves and misses my girls terribly. Hes been telling all of his friend and my family yet he never mentions me in the equation. My girls are having a hard time with all of this.
    I started the no contact immediately after the break up. He kept begging me to talk to him and I finally told him to just leave me alone. He started hanging out with a woman immediately after our break up. She is a mutual friend through the organization that we are both in. He does not spend the evenings with her that I know for sure BUT they do everything together AND are always very close physically. He will NOT deny nor confirm the relationship and tells all of our friends that its his life and he can what he wants with who he wants. He hasn’t talked to me at all in the past 2 weeks with the exception of arranging for items to be picked up OR in regards to the kids. He frequents the same restaurants and hang outs that I do. We were at the same place at the same time last week and he was with the new lady. I didn’t say much at all and he was very cold towards me. I was told that people were continuously catching him watching me. As I was leaving, he never took his eyes off of me. I again ran into the both of them this past weekend and he again did the same thing. He was watching me and paying attention to who I was interacting with. Late last night, he texted me to tell me that it was nice to see my daughter yesterday. He then asked me who the man was that I was hanging out with yesterday. I told him he was a friend and left it at that. He told me that I should have introduced my new “boyfriend” to him. I again clarified he was a friend. His new lady friend posted something on Facebook today stating that she was “so happy. She had finally allowed a man into her life and she was looking forward to building a strong relationship with him”, obviously meaning my ex. He told me yesterday that he was happy and that we both need to move on.

    I’m beyond confused. Rebound? Does he still care? Is there even any chance at this point?

    Any help would be appreciated!

    Reply
  • David

    Hi kevin,

    Just thought id get my story off my chest too.

    Basically we had an argument and I ended it in the heat of the argument, a few days of no contact and then she started talking to me, which I replied etc and was all normal friendly and stuff.

    She asked how I was feeling and we were both feeling like shit which we admitted but I said things wotn work etc (i was acting all cool about my feelings, pretending we hadnt broke up) so that I wouldnt hurt.

    The tables turned, she started talking normal but been half assed about it, not really replying as she normally would. I picked up on this and it sent me mad! I started then asking her what was up etc, calling her texting her etc, she said we wasnt working and her feelings changed etc and that we just dont work as a couple

    Then I did the deadly mistakes of texting her constantly, telling her how much i love her, my feelings etc, why i did what i did, what id done wrong etc. She was telling me she needed time and that it was tough on her too and she does love me etc but shes not 100% with me etc.

    I tried my hardest to give her space, wrote her a poem etc she then spoke to me and said that it defintiely cannot work..anyways I tried the no contat thing and after 5 days no contact, I cotnacted her asking how she was, no reply at first but then I text asking if she didnt want to talk to me...she replied and we are talking on just a friend basis, but any mention of feelings etc she doesnt want anything to do with me...

    I actually get a sense of apathy from her too I think.

    Thanks a lot....im going INSANE! coz I know i did things wrong (i never cheated or anything just didnt give her all the attention I should of)

    Note: She has kissed 3 people in our year andhalf relationship, 1 during a breakup, 2 I only found out about when she told me it wasnt going to work etc and she did cry. but now i think shes defintiely made her mind up and wants nothing to do with me at all..coz we "Dont work"

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey David,

      Thanks for your comment and I hope things work out for you. Her behavior is quite common after a breakup. It doesn't mean you don't have a chance. You should follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • David

      Thanks a lot Kevin, I have read your 5 step plan, multiple times!! haha

      I keep going back to it when I feel like im weakening, anyways I did another deadly mistake!..The other day I asked her how she felt basically saying, during our time apart, have your feelings changed? for better or for worse?.

      She replied, saying that her feelings are still the same, she thinks she cant give me 100% and that shes convinced we wont work, the potential was there but we were wrong from the off.

      Then she said of course she misses me, but thats the chance we took.

      Anyways same day of that email, I did send a text to her mam apologizing for how I treat her in our relationship. Her mam said it was a very nice text and then her daughter sent me a text saying it was "so cute and lovely" the text i sent her mam....

      Basically that was the last communication and im determined not to break No Contact this time! I am starting to feel slightly better in myself, simply because Ive analysed our relationship etc and Ive come to realise theres nothing else I can do, i want a girl that wants me and until she decides whether she wants me or not I just have to wait it out.

      So I promise I wont break NC this time!

      Note: We are both 26 and the girl in question is my best friends Ex, just to make it a bit more complicated for you ;)

      Thanks so much kevin

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's great David (not the best friend's ex part). I am glad you're feeling better.

      Reply
    • David

      What do you make of her email replies and her text she sent me?

      She 90% of the time puts a kiss on the end of the messages etc.

      When i told her i was writing stuff down and analysing our relationship she asked if she could see it.

      Im kind of having a relapse again...coz I been checking her FB and getting angry..hence why Im back here :). Still no contact though so far and feel better after reading all of the stuff again.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It shows she is not over you and still has feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Rebecca

    My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me three weeks ago. It started with me saying "this isn't working" out of frustration after a tough day. I've done it many times before, because the past few months I've been very unhappy because of work, school, and side effects of medications I was on. I think that was the final straw for him, and he was tired of having to cheer me up. After a few days of and awkward in-between stage (or what I thought it was), I regretted the conversation and tried to get him back. He told me that he wanted a break, and I said no, we're either together or we're not. I should have agreed to the break, but I wanted him back then and there and didn't want to have to wait. Since then its been downhill. Every time I tried to break it off before he told me not to give up on something so good just because times get hard. I wrote a letter and left it on his car and made a lot of the mistakes. I tried to show him that I was just as willing to fight for him as he was for me. He gave me many mixed signals, like saying that when we were in the relationship he wanted to have a talk, but he didn't want it to end in a break up. The past few weeks I've been asking him if things will change and he keeps saying "not right now" and when I ask about the future he says "maybe" or "I don't know." He has also been treating me horribly. He ignores me and speaks down to me rudely. Two days ago, I tried to confront him, and he said he was annoyed by me not giving him enough space. He also said that in the future, he wants to be broken up. He says that we don't get along and that he was tired of putting in effort and doing everything I wanted. I tried to tell him that I've learned from my mistakes, but it doesn't seem to change anything. I'm scared because we only have a year of school left, so if its going to happen it needs to happen now. He has a new friend that is a girl that he seems very close to, but she is the complete opposite of me and I think its just a rebound. I know that he's just thinking about all the bad parts, but I'm scared that he will never try to remember the good. I've decided to give him space and cut off contact completely. But I'm also scared that he's not going to change his mind. He's been numbing himself with other girls and alcohol. He has also grown distant from all his friends. Is his new "I don't care" attitude just a phase or is it here to stay? I want to give him time to miss me, but I'm scared that the feelings will go away within that time. How do I tell him that I've learned from my mistakes and it will be different the second time around?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you tell him, it'll look like you are just saying it to get back with him. Instead, let him realize it on his own. Read the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Rebecca

      Thank you so much for the advice. It's really great. Right now I know that my ex is convincing himself not to come back because of all the negative things toward the end of the relationship. I was going to send a letter sometime after NC apologizing for the last few months of the relationship and explaining how I was not myself. Do you think this is a good idea? I think it will help him let go of any anger/confusion that he has so that we can truly have a fresh start. But I'm also scared that if he has already let go of his anger, it will bring back up all the old negative feelings. There is no way for me to gauge how he is feeling because of NC. Thanks!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't go overboard with the apology in the letter. Keep it short.

      Reply
    • Rebecca

      Thanks! You are basically confirming everything I have been thinking. Also, do you have any tips on how to react if the ex is being a jerk? My ex has changed from a loving, kind man who wouldn't hurt a fly to an asshole. He says that he's annoyed so I have given him space. It's difficult to cut him out of my life though because we go to the same school and have the same friends. I am trying to take a break from him and everything related to him (basically my whole life) but I find myself alone obsessing over our relationship. It's been a month since we broke up and a week since the start of NC and I have no clue what he is thinking. I also hear rumors daily about him and another girl. He has called me names behind my back and acts like he hates me, even though he swears that he doesn't. The last time we talked we argued in front of his new girl over things that he has said to me. I would ignore him, but I hate that he's getting away with treating other people like crap. He's changed for the worst and everyone sees it but no one will confront him. Any suggestions for bringing out the sweet, loving man he was to me? Also, what should I do when I see him and his new girl together? I know part of him deep down still cares, so should I let him know that he's hurting me? Doesn't help that his new girl is a bigger asshole than he is. Just need some advice for coping with this weird post-breakup situation.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      His change is behavior is part of the hot and cold behavior mentioned in the article. The best way is to not react to it and be calm and confident no matter how he acts to you. When you see them together, avoid talking to them if at all possible. If you have to talk, keep the conversation short, be upbeat and make an excuse and leave.

      Reply
    • Rebecca

      What is your best advice if he is annoyed at me? I get that he needs space and have started NC. I am scared though that NC will make him forget me. I want to show him that I have changed, but he seems to be annoyed to be around me. Should I let him contact me first? Also, should I extend NC until he contacts me? I have read the plan multiple times but I don't understand how to make it so that getting back together is his idea. I'm scared that I have pushed him away (I made some of the deadly mistakes, but it was because he always told me never to give up on our relationship every time I tried to end it) to the point where has made up his mind for good and is saying "never again." Any tips on how to help/get him to be open to trying again?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan. That will tell you how long you should extend your no contact. I don't think you should extend it till he contacts you. Use that checklist.

      If you make positive changes in your life and work through the issues that lead to the breakup in the first place, he will start thinking about getting back together on his own. This is provided you don't show any signs of neediness and make it obvious that you are making changes just to get him back. When you meet him, spend some time with him, start talking to him on a regular basis, he will realize it on his own.

      As for him opening up. No contact does a good job of repairing the damage and the letter and the texts do a good job of opening communication between you two.

      Reply
  • Tom

    Kevin,
    I know there are alot of similar scenarious but I think mine is different enough to post.
    My ex and I were dating for close to 4 years. We began dating at a very strange time (when I was a senior in high-school, and she was a sohpmore) even though we were very close in age. We were really good friends that turned into dating and we fell in absolute love. I would come home to visit her any chance I could, we never had more fun with anyone else like the fun we had with each other, sex life was out of this world, and we constantly talked about the difficulty of our relationship and how we would make long distance work. When she got to college she began to be very short and distant, but always told me it was school related or sports related (she played sports).

    I understood but my neieve, young mind would get paranoid a bit due to her being very very attractive. I knew she would never do anything, but it was hard not to suspect anything when I knew practically the whole school was going to be hitting on her on a daily basis. Long story short, we had a couple rough patches while we were at our respective schools, but during breaks and on summer / christmas breaks we were inseperable and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Then, my final semester in college, we were visiting each other alot and she asked me to go on spring break with her family - which I did and it was great - and a week after that there was nothing. A txt maybe once every three days with a very short message, lying, avoiding me, etc. My birthday was two weeks after the spring break trip and she practically broke up with me but was so vague about it I was unsure what she meant.

    Then I asked her to come to my graduation and she said she would, but then one day before it she called me and told me she was going to the Kentucky Derby with her friends and couldnt make it. That was the real break up and I knew it was over. I avoided contact with her to the best of my ability (responding to her txt a week late, or not at all, with a short message that was veyr vague). Then a traumatic experience happened to her during July and I was the one who her friends contacted when it happened. I had always cared SO much about this girl, and always wanted to be there for her when something happened. So, when this happened all my feelings came rushing back because I felt compelled to help her. She came home for the rest of the summer (I was home for good now) and we saw each other a couple times and it was like it was normally when we were home.

    Then, it all started again and she became distant and randomly told me we couldnt see each other and started seeing another guy immediately. I didnt take that news too well and called her to ask how she was with someone so quickly (I know this was dumb) and she told me the most hurtful things I had ever heard, such as "I was pretending to love you all last year and you were too dumb to notice," "Im a girl and I dont have to explain myself," "Have a good life, maybe ill see you in three years."

    After that conversation I ended all contact with her and have not contacted her since. My birthday was in April and I was dreading her saying happy birthday because I didnt want to be tempted to respond. Three days after my birthday she sent a "happy late birthday, I hope you had a great time and everything is going well" text. I never responded but I just have been thinking ever since if she still has feelings for me or if this was just a kind gestgure. I think she might even be with another guy at the moment too which also confuses me.

    Sorry for the long post, but any advice or suggestions as to what I probably should be thinking about her right now would be very helpful.
    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Tom,

      It's good that you are not responding to her text. In my opinion, she wants to explore her options and doesn't want to be tied down at such a young age. I'll recommend you do the same. If you are meant to be together, you will end up together after a while.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hi Kevin,

    I just want to share what happened to me.. so my ex broke up with me last week i think because of our arguement(shes been cold for 1 week then later she told me she doesnt want to continue our relationship anymore) ive been texting her non-stop though she dont reply to all of my text. Ive been desperate because of how i love her,i did go to her place saying that you go out in your house and talk to me,you just cant dump me after broking up with me(saying is this how you treat me after our 2years and 7monts relationship?) We did have a conversation though after telling her im thirsty and i wont go home if you wont talk to me.. i can feel her anger,i really dont know why she kept telling me dont ever come here again,just please go home now i dont have any feelings for you anymore. It was painful all i was saying this is not you,you dont treat me like this. Then she told me sorry i cant pleased all people(ive had to admit ive taken her for granted) last thing ive said okay i wont interfere in your life anymore and said sorry. I did also said i will stop texting you from now on.

    What to do? Do i need to do no contact rule? I still love her.. hoping she still loved me though she was loyal to me,almost 5/6 days staying here in house so i think it wont be also easy for her. Sorry for the bad english. I just want to express my feelings..

    Thanks Kevin,

    Reply
  • jada

    Hi my ex broke up with me 5 mo’s ago, we were together for a little over 2 years, and lived together for a year and half. I’m 37 and he’s 29, he says he felt like a was trying to tie him down. I don’t think I was but that’s the way he perceived it. He says he still wants me in his life but just not in a relationship right now. He wants to be bestfriends However when we do talk he constantly brings up the subject on having kids. Neither of us has any, during our relationship I did bring up the topic a few times but I let it go.he said he wasn’t ready. But even tho were are not together anymore he still continues to bring this subject up. He knows i possibly would like to have one but I don’t bring up it anymore he does,because I’m much older than he is. If he doesn’t want the relationship and just wants me in his life as his “friend” why is he concerned about me having children if he’s not ready to have one with me? He’s more worried about it than I am. However I still love him and want to be with him he says he still has feelings for me and still Cares about but just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now so why is he holding on then.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Because he is confused about his feelings and he is still not over you.

      Reply
    • jada

      About 2 weeks ago I sent him a text letting him know that it wasn't my intentions to make him feel like I was trying to tie him down.. And that I can learn to be friends..however I really don't want to be friends I feel as though I can't really be friends with him at this point because I still have feelings so I started no contact the very next day. Since then he has tried to contact me but I don't respond. Do you think we have a chance or should I just completely move on?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You do have a chance.

      Reply
    • jada

      Hi Kevin, OK so I need some new insight on my situation. I've been doing NC with my ex for the last 30 days, I blocked my ex from calling or texting my phone, however my ex has made several attempts to get in contact with me thru some of his "other" numbers via different apps on his cell phone, in which I ignored because I knew it was him. So just recently 5days ago to be exact he started texting me from a number that I didn't recognized disguising himself as a new client I'm a hairstylist I didn't think anything of it so I responded. After few text I felt as though it was someone playing around so I blew it off..by then I started receiving calls from the same # over a course of a few days, at first I just blew it off, then I finally said let just answer and see what this person wants.. So when I answered the last call a woman answered and proceeded to put my ex on the phone..let's just say I was at a lost for words, because I never crossed my mind that it was him the whole time..so I chatted with him just to see what he had to say..basically he wanted know why I blocked him and that he thought we were cool also he started asking how my love life was and and all this crap. Saying it seemed like I was happy and all this stuff. He also tried to get me to come see him I kindly declined.. So he said call me if you change your mind..I haven't talk to him since that was 5days ago. I was doing fine detoxing from him and this stunt he pulled put back in the space where I'm missing him again and he's been on my mind a lot again. I still love him and want to be with him. But I can't be friends with him right now. It Was his decision to break up because he didn't want to be tied down. So why is he doing this. Why would he go thru all of that just to get in contact with me?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is having second thoughts and is afraid of you moving on. He doesn't want you to move on and wants to know that if he wants to get back together, will you be still available? You did good. I'd say you do NC for another 2-3 weeks before getting back in touch with him. However, make sure you've finished the detoxing process before doing so.

      Reply
    • jada

      Hey Kevin, so I completed the extension of the nc..I contacted my ex. Yesterday via text he responded right away, I was trying to play it cool and not seem to eager so I just kept it simple, he initiated the first call but I didn't answer I think I got nervous lol..so then he text saying why did I text him I f wasn't ready to respond.. I was really expecting for him to call..but anyway I couple hours later he text me with a response to a previous text i sent hours earlier I responded and then hecalled again I answered this time so of course he asked why I didn't answer the phone and I just kinda made some thing up. At this point he was trying to act like he just wanted to know the initial reason why I initiated contact with him. So we talked real brief and that was it..my initial thought after we got off the phone was OK he's not interested anymore..5min later he sends me a text asking what was I doing today..I told him i was going to the movies..his exact response was "oh can I come too lol or is it a date?" I kinda just lol back and kinda blew it off.. So he send me another text saying "no response huh" i really just left it in the air and responded saying I'll text you in a few... And I proceeded to enjoy the rest of my day...never called or text back I didnt either.. That was yesterday... So did I ruined it? I can't tell if he is still interested or not but I'm ready to be friends again and possibly rekindle what we had. Do we have a chance, what do I do now?

      Reply
    • jada

      Hey Kevin, so I completed the extension of the nc..I contacted my ex. Yesterday via text he responded right away, I was trying to play it cool and not seem to eager so I just kept it simple, he initiated the first call but I didn’t answer I think I got nervous lol..so then he text saying why did I text him I f wasn’t ready to respond.. I was really expecting for him to call..but anyway I couple hours later he text me with a response to a previous text i sent hours earlier I responded and then hecalled again I answered this time so of course he asked why I didn’t answer the phone and I just kinda made some thing up. At this point he was trying to act like he just wanted to know the initial reason why I initiated contact with him. So we talked real brief and that was it..my initial thought after we got off the phone was OK he’s not interested anymore..5min later he sends me a text asking what was I doing today..I told him i was going to the movies..his exact response was “oh can I come too lol or is it a date?” I kinda just lol back and kinda blew it off.. So he send me another text saying “no response huh” i really just left it in the air and responded saying I’ll text you in a few… And I proceeded to enjoy the rest of my day…never called or text back I didnt either.. That was yesterday… So did I ruined it? I can’t tell if he is still interested or not but I’m ready to be friends again and possibly rekindle what we had. Do we have a chance, what do I do now?

      Reply
  • Sam

    Dear Kevin,

    I understand you get alot of similar questions and scenarios, but I wondered if you would at least answer mine. My girlfriend and I split up 2 months ago after living with each other for 6 months and being together for 2 years. She is 23 and I am 25 and we really were two peas in a pod, we loved hanging out with each other, always made each other laugh, had a fantastic sex life and were each others best friend.

    The reason for her splitting up with me was due to her losing trust in me and me not acting responsibly enough. I used to give her white lies about staying out with my friends and going back to friends houses to carry on partying and she, overtime, grew to distrust me. I was never unfaithful but I guess my "suspicious" actions led her to believe this. The other problem, in regards to responsibility, is that I used to lose my temper in regards to financial problems i.e. rent and things. I have never been an angry person but I never told her the true extent of my financial difficulties because a) I thought I could handle it and b) I thought she would leave if I told her. The irony is in the whole scheme of things my finances really were not that bad. These two things culminated to her being so angry at me that she left me. We have spoken and seen each other since and until yesterday we decided to completely break contact for a month or so which is actually a huge relief because we are both fed up of missing each other. She has told me she is still attracted to me, she misses but hates it, she was hopelessly in love with me but told me she will never forgive me for ruining a relationship that could have lasted forever and she says she hurts so bad.

    Given these circumstances that she does miss me, is still attracted to me, still hurts so badly after all this time despite being the one that ended it - do you think after time we could work it out? I know these things she has said such as "You have made me so unbelievably sad I can never forgive you" is out of anger and to hurt me. But I was a good boyfriend and I loved and cared for her so deeply.

    Sam

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You definitely have a chance if you follow the plan. Everything she said is completely normal after a breakup.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Thank you for replying. What plan though? The one mentioned above? I do hope so, seems so silly to throw it all away but I am focused on myself now.

      Reply
    • Sam

      The plan seems very good. I have read it fully and today will be day one of the 30 day no contact. This weekend we talked about bills and things but we left it on a very sour note which is a shame. She is acting so mean and like she just doesn't care. I was very weak on saturday and cried to her, I regret it completely but I felt so lost. To be frank she is acting like such a bitch, and wants to put the entire relationship behind her and act like we never happened. Why is that? It seems so unfair when she only said last week that she was hopelessly in love with me, why has she turned so bad?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sam,

      It's a way for some people to deal with the breakup pain. Don't take it personally. She probably doesn't mean most of the things she says right now.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Hey Kevin,

      Thanks for the reply. After reading your emails I am not sure whether I can win her back. I haven't spoken to her for a few days but I feel lost and I know now is a time to self improve but I cannot help but think all the fun she is having and that her life truly is better without me. I seem hopeless. I'm not sure whether I have missed the opportunity to win her back. She is convinced she has made the right choice and I know there is nothing I can do to get her back. What would your advice be?

      Sam

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sam,

      My advice is stop thinking about what's going on with her and concentrate more on yourself. Instead of thinking about your chances, think whether or not you want her back. If you do, then do no contact and get back in touch with her. If it works out, great. If not, move on.

      Reply
  • Antonio

    Hey Kevin,

    I have been with my ex since I was 17 and she was 16. Her and I moved from Michigan to go to Colorado to be with her family. I soon started working in the oilfield and started making good money. 1 1/2 yrs later she gave birth to my little girl and we started our family like we planned. 4yrs later we got into a argument over text messages in my phone(nothing sexual or flirty remind you) with another female I never remembered talking to, to make a long story short a buddy of mine used my phone one night at work to talk to his wife and didn't delete the text lol. So for the next couple of days she acted fine and we had sex the morning I was leaving to N.Dakota for 2 weeks for work and she even cried when I left. But a week later she broke up with me while I was still in N.Dakota. I really do love her with all my heart and want to be with her but she's talking to this other guy. While she's say's she doesn't know what she is going as far as date him or not she still wants to have sex with me and go out with me all the time. It seems that she wants the benefit's of both of us but none of the responsibility. I'm very confused on what I should do because we do have a daughter together and we've been eachother's backbone for so long. Tonight she told me she had no fight left in her for this relationship but then says her feelings change day to day. What should I do????

    p.s She started seeing this other guy not even a week after she broke up with me. If she really loved me how she said she did wouldn't it have been some type of grieving period???

    Reply
    • Antonio

      I forgot to add my ex's and my age im 22 and she's 21

      Reply
    • Diego

      What if your ex had a baby with the rebound guy on acciddent. Would you still take her back if you are both still in love with each other?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's a personal choice Diego. If you are unsure, you should apply no contact for a while before deciding.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's a phase she is going through. She never got to experience being an adult and single. I think that's the reason she is going through this confusion. I think you should give her some space and time to determine what she wants.

      Reply
    • Antonio

      So this relationship she's in with this new guy could possibly be a rebound? I mean it hasn't even been a month yet.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it's probably a rebound.

      Reply
  • m.Inger

    but if i don't answer their call how will i know if it's an emergency or not? can't i just pick up and see whats up? if its not an emergency ill ask them to stop calling me. That wont break the no contact rule , right?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you've broken up, you are not responsible for helping her during an emergency. She can call friends, relatives, and even 911. You are not responsible for her well being and happiness anymore. You are only responsible for your well being and happiness.

      Reply
    • m. inger

      I guess but before we cut ties , during the bitter phase we weren't speaking but she messaged me because her grandfather had a heart attack and i was the only person that could comfort her after 4years of dating and her helping me go through the loss of my own family member? isn't it only fair i be there for her if she really needs me? so that she doesnt resent me for it later on if we ever have a shot again after the no contact rule? I don't wanna push her away and let her cry on another man's shoulder cuz she thinks im never coming back for her.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      OK, if it's an emergency and a real emergency like the one you mentioned, then you'll find out, either through common friends, relatives, or she'll text you or email you. For every other emergency, she can call the cops.

      Still, in my opinion, you don't need to give her emotional support. She broke up with you, you don't owe her any support. Was she so considerate of your feelings when she broke up with you? But you still want her back, don't you? You aren't holding any resentment towards her, are you? The fact is, if you put you are putting your own happiness over your exes, she will not resent you for it. She will respect you for it and it might even make her more attracted to you.

      Reply
  • Anna Kulakowsky

    We were together for 2.5 years. He leaves for basic in 3 weeks. We've been broken up for a month. I started no contact but I had to contact him about our pet but when I did he was acting so childish and unlike him. I went back to no contact. I'm just giving it time. He plays these games but I just let it happen and I work on myself. I know time will tell it's just idk what to do since he's leaving for basic

    Reply
  • Elizabeth

    Hi Kevin,
    I've got a unique situation at the moment, and the 5 step plan doesn't apply fully. My ex of almost 4 years and I broke up a little over a month ago - we had been together since we were 17, and had lived together since we left home for university. He broke up with me, saying he wasn't 'in love' with me anymore (cliche!) but to be honest, I hadn't been feeling it for a while, and it was a very amicable conclusion to a great relationship. I guess the main problem was that we moved too fast, and things got really serious really quickly for our age. There's not been very much arguing, and I've done no begging whatsoever. Thing is, I know that if he'd been willing, we could have given the relationship another stab and made things work - we'd just grown tired of each other having no space, living in one another's pockets, and speaking literally every day for years on end.

    I honestly don't even know if I want things to work out - I've not had space to think about it, and I've got a really unsupportive family regarding these things. I'm a little isolated here too, having surrounded myself with mutual friends of ours for years.

    So, basically, we've got a tenancy agreement in our house until the end of summer, and neither of us want to move out. We're getting along really well, but it's been hard to get thinking space living in the same house. We've both been trying to go stay at other peoples' houses, but it never lasts long because we have a cat, and somebody needs to be here to feed him. I'm also getting really mixed signals from him - neither of us want to stop physical contact while living together (cuddling when nobody's here, holding hands, occasionally having sex), but I was usually the one who initiated it during our relationship. Recently, he's been initiating the physical contact, and I've pulled back. I think stopping physical contact is out of the question for now, it would probably ruin the amicability and drive us both insane - we're both still extremely attracted to one another too.
    He has plans to move out at the end of the summer with some guy friends, but for now it's really difficult to coordinate leaving because we both have our final exams.

    So my questions are
    a) does it bode well that we're both still attracted to each other? is there a chance of making things work?
    b) will things be impossible to revive the relationship if I start the no contact rule during the summer instead of now? I'm going home for a month - more than 5000 miles away from him, and it would be easier to not contact him at all/ only about the cat/house.

    Thanks,
    Liz

    Reply
  • Jade

    Hi Kevin,

    So me and my ex broke up a year ago this month, we were together for 11/12 months and i would say he's my first love. Ive never experienced a love like this and neither did he... He was literally crazy about me. The first 6 months were perfect, nothing was wrong he was my best friend, he supported me we spoke every minute of the day. We started arguing and even though its was little arguments they started to build up, at one point i was going to end the relationship myself because i felt like he was hurting me on purpose. After the honeymoon period was over it went downhill from there and he wasnt putting the effort in but he always told me he loved me and that i should always remember that. He put alot into the relationship but because of certain circumstances we just couldnt be together and i understand that.

    What i dont understand is why he continues to hurt me? I will admit i did chase him for about 3 months and i wish i never did that but at the time i felt like i had to speak to him. He's done alot after the breakup but that hasnt hurt me.. whats hurt me is he's with my bestfriends cousin? I understand he found her attractive before we where together but if it was that serious he would have fallen in love with her rather than me. Everytime he see's me he just walks past me like i dont exsist, like im not even there. However, hes always telling his friends how much he misses me and hes always depressed?

    He loves putting up pictures of what him and his new girlfriend have on social networks but whenever i see him, he isnt 100% happy... Personally i dont want to talk to him because Im too hurt by the situation and for the past year i have been single physically but emotionally i havent and my heart is with him. From what i know i dont think there relationship is serious and this confuses the hell out of me because i dont understand why you'd be with someone you dont love? What im really trying to ask is, what shall i do? We've bin in the no contact period or basically 3 months but he did contact me to argue with me and completely over reacted to a situation involving me. Is he trying to hurt me or is he generally trying to move on? Do I move on without really moving on? All I know is there is nothing in this world i wouldnt do for him and ive never cared or loved anyone like the way i love him.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jade,

      If it's been one year, I'll recommend you try to move on. Even though there is a chance you might get him back, in my opinion, it's not worth wasting more time. IF you decide to pursue him more, you should get back in touch with him using the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Esther

    Hey Kevin, I don't think you can remember since you receive so many comments daily. I'm 21, my ex is 26 and we dated for two months. But a lot happened, and eventually he decided leaving me was better than staying in a broken relationship.

    I have experience with relationships. Usually these things blow over. I figured I'd talk to him 6-12 months later and even told him so. Well, upon second thought this was too long. We dated just some weeks. My past relationships were much longer. I wrote to you, and you suggested careful thinking. Try again in 2-3 months. I tried 2 1/2 months later. He is still pissed. First thing he said to me suggested calling the police for harassment. Yet he's still in a bad mood but won't go out with me. I told him I let go of the past and expect him to do the same.

    What do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he's pissed, it means he is still not over you. You should apply more no contact. After no contact, you should send the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Esther

      Sorry for the late response, I couldn't find this particular comment. Notifications are turned off.

      That is what I figured, he still misses me and cares for me. The only emotion he's shown is anger. How much more NC do you think I should apply? I thought another month or two might be good. What do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I agree. At least a month.

      Reply
    • Esther

      Well, when we broke up he said not to contact him or else he'd call the police. I did cave with several similar emails. I explained I let go and forgot everything I knew about him. But he was still hurt two months later. Anger was the only thing he knew. When I admitted I missed him, he stopped being angry. I think he feels the same way. But all the other progress caused him to be angry again.

      He's also tried rebound dates with other women. I was hoping to wait two more months with full NC. Then text or Skype him. However, the police thing really scares me. Plus he "got tired of her crap". Yet he was reluctant to break up. I already sent an email to the police. What do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I also think you should do no contact for at least 2 months. I also think that you should go on a few dates during the no contact period.

      Reply
    • Esther

      Well, I spoke to the police and they basically said, "Even if he does actually call in, we're not gonna be able to do anything. What would he report you FOR? If you've tried to say, let it go and all that and he's threatening to call the police..." But what if it happens again next time? "He's allowed to say that because it's protected under the freedom of speech. However, you wouldn't get in trouble." So I think I can still try again later as we've mentioned.

      Thanks for the help.

      Reply
  • Max K

    Hello Kevin,
    Me and my ex broke up about a month ago. But 3 weeks after a breakup I saw her out, spoke to her saying sorry for my behavior during our relationship (I did drugs during some period of time and she didn't like it, that was the reason for the breakup, but I am clean now, I included that fact in my apology). The same night I was drunk texting her, telling that we should talk, she didn't reply because she wasn't online at the time but when she saw the messages a few days later she was like "what the hell". I even forgot about these messages and said sorry, then we just were joking about it and we had a first normal conversation since the break-up, with each other asking about each others health, joking and laughing around, the usual stuff, she stopped replying the next day however. A few days later, she texted me asking if I'm coming out on the weekend, but I couldn't because I was busy with the work plus I twisted my ankle. My friends who are close to her told me she wants to speak to me about something but she doesn't tell them what the conversation is going to be about. Do you have any idea what this can be about? And what should I do? Should I still keep in touch with her before seeing her?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should keep in touch. Don't expect anything when you go. Just stay calm and confident throughout and take things slowly.

      Reply
  • Jamie

    Me and my ex have been together and broke up before, we got back together early last year and and recently broke up again(almost 2 weeks now), both saying in the heat of the moment that starting again hasn't worked and its over for good.
    We have a 3 year old boy together, so contact is definitely needed at times.

    I admit, i made the wrong choice in sounding needy and attempting to get her back, which resulting in her saying she doesn't have feelings for me other than the father of her child. We eventually cleared the air and i then sent a text basically explaining that i'm on her wavelength and understand what shes saying, and want to build a friendship to be good parents to our child.
    She then found out i was going out one evening and started receiving texts from her saying, 'wont be bothering you when you meet someone tonight' 'i haven't moved on and wont for a while' 'enjoy your date' 'Dont want the time you spend with our son being with daddy and daddys girlfriend'
    That leads onto today, we've been speaking amicably about our child at times, and sometimes about other stuff but not about feelings. Seems like a some kind of effort is being made from both sides to talk on good terms with each other, where do i take it from here?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      IF you haven't had a period of no contact as explained in this article, then I think you should do it. If you did, then continue talking to her and slowly move on to more personal and fun conversation. Start flirting over texts and then eventually ask her out.

      Reply
  • Luke

    I recently separated from my partner of over a year. We had a relationship 16 years previous but was too young to be serious. Over the years we had passed one another and both thought there was still something there in our hearts for one another.
    When eventually chatting we both realised how we felt and started a relationship.
    I had my barriers up as I had been married and one child. She too had been married and with 5 children.
    Unfortunately her ex lives in another country which meant she had full custody of her kids.
    It put a strain on the relationship as it was difficult to spend quality time together.
    Sadly with my barriers up I found it hard to let go of the fear of the future for us and she called it a day.
    on separation I left her alone for a few weeks to give us a break.
    I then found my barriers were coming down and could see the potential the relationship had just by making a few simple changes.
    We started to talk things through. She said her heart says yes but her head says no because she doesn't want to be hurt.
    meanwhile, as we are still discussing getting back together she started to see someone else.
    I didn't know this and carried on trying to work things out.
    she finally made her decision that it was too late and she had moved on.
    she had said that she really loves me and when she said we are over, that its not forever.
    Do I just leave it? Should I let her have fun then see how the new relationship goes.
    If it is just a rebound is it worth talking again about rebuilding the relationship.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should apply no contact and then get back in touch, but you shouldn't talk about rebuilding the relationship. You should let it be her idea.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up 2 months ago...and I did the no contact rule and he called me from a blocked number within 2 weeks but I didn't answer...I know it's him because he is the only one that has been calling me from a blocked number since we broke up...so after the no contact he denied that he called me even though he called again from blocked and I answered and it was him...he tells me he loves me and misses me but went too far away...I just want to know why is he denying that he called...and what should do?

    Reply
  • Tania

    Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up 2 months ago and I tried the no contact rule and he started calling me within 2 weeks and I ignored his calls but after the no contact I called him and he asked me if I was getting married or dating anyone...I am confused because he says he doesn't want to get back but keeps calling...he tells me that he loves me but went too far away...what should I do?

    Reply
  • Me

    Question about the no contact rule

    So my ex and I broke up about two-three weeks ago. A couple weeks after our 1 year anniversary. I had a problem with my ex being hot and cold. One moment they're in love and want only me, can see us together, and doesn't want anyone else, then the next they want to just be friends and see other people. Saying that they aren't ready to commit but don't want to lose me, yada yada, all the cliches. This is the longest we've ever gone without speaking however I can tell they are taking me serious. My ex only reached out 3 times (saying they hope I have a good weekend & the only reason they haven't called me is because they think I want it this way & they never stopped loving me). Well I have not responded. Not even an inkling. My ex, today has sent me an email saying they still would like to take me out for my birthday (which is Monday). Should I reply back. I miss my ex and I'm sure she feels the same.

    What do I do. Do I respond to the email today? If she calls/text me for my birthday should I respond at least with thanks.

    Appreciate the help/advice.

    Reply
  • Mark

    Hi Kevin,

    She is 42, i am 28. To cut a long story short, we were together a month, met on Tinder... we fell in love, she said deeply so, then all of a sudden she turned on me and ended things, the other day i found out it was because she wasnt feeling the same and wasnt feeling us, wanted me to be more confident, more assured in myself, less worshipping of her (i admit i did this when we was together) and to be more mysterious and not give it all away right away. she told me she was on tinder agaiun but didnt want to meet anyone, just chatting as she was bored, she told me to move on. i text her the next day to tell her i'm already working on myself, and that i was back on tinder....she text back saying "s### - i kinda felt jealous that you are on tinder :(" i didnt reply, a few hours later she called to see what i was doing, and will call later, what do i do? can i get her back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes you can. But do you really see a future with her? I think you should apply no contact for a while. I don't want to discourage you, but have you thought about what you want in the future and whether or not she wants the same thing. A huge age gap as yours can cause some serious trouble down the road when things get serious.

      Reply
  • Tina

    I'm 20, he is 21 and we have been childhood friends. We dated back when I was 17 for about two months. Recently we have started talking on snapchat, tumblr, and facebook. He has a girlfriend now and it has been a long time since I've seen him. He seems happy with his relationship and I haven't made any moves. I've changed since my immature teen years and I feel like we have chemistry. Should I give it a try?

    Reply
  • S.

    I have a question regarding the no contact rule...

    My ex broke up with me due to that I for the last year was taking distance from him (as I was hurt from some things he had done). Hence...I was acting cold even though I always loved him. In total we were together for three years Now he had enough and broke up for good (as he said). I have fallen for every mistake and been extremely needy since this happened...and I have tried to explain to him that it was all a misunderstanding...but he seems not to care. He is so good at being cold...and block me out. He has taken away every opportunity for us to repair the relationship or start over...as I left to my home country after he broke up. Now he is isolating me from the life I had there with him...

    What should I do? Does these rules (5 steps) still apply to me?

    Reply
  • Sophie

    I broke up with my non-committal ex after he said that he'd been leading me on and he couldn't see us ever having a future together. I also found out that he'd been involved with a girl at his work (not the first time) but he doesn't know I know this. I told him we should keep it casual then as I still wanted to see him but then I realised I was being ridiculous when he started being really offish and nasty with me. This was a week ago and I haven't contacted him since. He called me a few days ago and asked if I wanted him to help with something that I'd told him I needed done as he knew that I would be in his area that evening as I have evening class near his house. I told him that I wasn't going to my evening class that week as my tutor was off and I couldn't come round as I was going out. He said 'ok, enjoy your date!' And although I wasn't going on a date I just said 'ok then' cheerily rather than explaining that I wasn't as I know he was hoping I would say that I wasn't going on a date. He just laughed like he was a bit stunned and said 'ok then, bye'.
    My questions are: 1. Did he call me to be helpful or did he want to seem me? 2. Did me suggesting I was going on a date make him run a mile as I haven't heard a word from him since...
    Thanks,
    Sophie

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      He probably called to see how you are doing and wondering whether or not you are moving on. I think you did the right thing by not trying to defend yourself. Whether or not you are going on a date is none of his business. You should read the 5 step plan and follow it.

      Reply
  • sunshine gonzaga

    kevin...
    im desperately inlove with my guy but we broke up because of his family...

    its a matter of christian and muslim. i dont know what to do...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You should apply no contact and give yourself some time to think things through. IF there is no future with him (because of religion), you should move on.

      Reply
  • Yessy

    My ex bf told me he didn't love me and that he wanted to be alone. I could tell the relationship was falling apart, but I could feel the love . We went on vacation and everything was great, we fought, but we solved it. Two days later I got upset at him and called him to talk and work it out and he didn't want to deal with it. He said I was getting annoying and irritating. Side note, he suffered from depression and anxiety, and has said that he's confused about how much be loves me. Okay so we were talking and he said he wanted to be alone and that he felt nothing for me anymore. I didn't believe him. I understand falling out of love. But someone who is not in love with you doesn't talk to you everyday, doesn't ask to hang out and sleep over. They don't kiss you goodnight and say I love you, they don't cuddle and hold hands, or make plans to do things. They don't have a great time with you at a vacation. I went to his house and he told me to my face. I was crying and trying to fix it and he said he made up his mind. I asked him if he was sure, he said yes. He said he wasn't going to miss me the way I want him to. I asked for my pictures and he didn't want to give them back to me. He was so cold and emotionless. He asked me what we were gonna do after. That it was up to me if I wanted to stay friends. I said I needed time and for him to text me in a month. He hugged me and said sorry, then I left. It's been 4 days and it's killing me, idk what to think. I him off of everything Should I just move on for good? Or give myself hope?

    Reply
  • Ron

    To add to my comment about my ex and I about which I was asking if she was trying to get a reaction out of me and showing she's fine (together 3 months, she was depressed, new guy, openness on Facebook etc) we're both 21

    Reply
  • Ron

    My ex and I broke up about 2 and a half months ago. She broke up with me; it was a very clean break. To give you some context, she was clinically depressed and i knew about this from the start. I was very devoted and committed, but due to her condition (and most likely some old relationships too) she was very unstable and untrusting. She knew in our relationship that i was very giving to her and she just couldn't give back to me, was snappy/curt with me a lot, and it made her feel guilty inside and made her lose attraction to me. It's unfortunate, but i think we had to break up. In my mind i was unhappy because no matter how much i tried she just wasn't happy, and she could see how much that hurt me, so breaking up was the best thing to do.
    Since she's done stuff like be hot and cold, like see me on a night out, not talk to me there yet text me the day after, but not reply if i responded to her. She'd flirt with people in front of me. Within 2 months of us breaking up she started seeing a new guy and is being very "in-your-face" about it on Facebook. We dated for 3 months, yet have few pictures, she didn't post statuses about me and we weren't even "in a relationship" though we knew and all our friends/family knew we were dating. She said she doesn't like being open about her relationships on Facebook. With this new guy however, she keeps uploading pictures with him, statuses about him, has listed herself as "in a relationship," (they've only been together 2-3 weeks) and just generally being in-my-face and more open about her new guy on Facebook. I've read the article on this website about rebound signs, and I'm pretty sure this is just a rebound due to the time since we've split and the speed with which she's progressing through it and her over-the-top openness on Facebook. Just wondered if anyone else has been through this, and if she's trying to make me jealous? We both know we won't get back together; our personalities and interests don't match, and since she's done other things that i haven't said which make me not want to be with her again, but is this just a subliminal way of trying to show me and her friends that she's "over it?"

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think the answer to all your questions is yes. But if you don't want to get back with her, you should delete her from your facebook and apply no contact indefinitely.

      Reply
    • Ron

      I am applying no contact now, and would have anyway, she was the one to get in touch, and in hindsight i probably shouldn't have responded to them. I don't dislike her (though she's given me plenty of reasons to), and I have made some sort of effort to remain friendly. I know how she can be, stressed, untrusting and insecure, and essentially I'm doing what any ex should do if the break was clean and there is no bad blood, and just hoping she's happy with the new guy. I know i don't want her back, which has made dealing with the fact she's got a new guy very quickly much easier, but i never want her to feel alone or have no friends should the new guy not be as patient or understanding as i was. She said i was way more understanding than she expected or than anyone else has ever been. I don't want to delete her on the grounds that i don't want her to feel she can't approach me if she is genuinely upset, because she knows i'm a caring individual and a breakup won't change that base-level of care that i have for her, but in my own mind i definitely know where the line is. Is this a good idea though?

      Reply
    • Ron

      And very quickly, would you also agree that from the looks of it it's most likely a rebound relationship too?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you don't want her back, then it's not a good idea to stick around to support her. You don't owe anything to her and by supporting her, you are risking your mental peace and stability. I just think it's not worth it. And yes, it does sound like it's a rebound relationship.

      Reply
  • Angela

    Hi Kevin :( I need your advice desperately. I've been with my ex boyfriend for 2 years. He broke up with me because he claimed I treated him bad because I would rebel against his insecurities and neediness. We were both frustrated a lot at the time. But I still love him so much and willing to make it work with him. I knew he loved me even more when we were together. We broke up 6 months ago and decided to be friends. Our friendship has gone up and down just like when we were in a relationship. We also work together and I see him a couple times in the office. Most recently couple days ago, we finished our shifts at the same time and spent the rest of the day with each other on two different occasions. It was so comfortable and fun. We laughed, we shopped, we ate dinner, saw a movie, he even held my hand and rubbed my back a few times out the day. We talk about everything and anything. He even tells me he's working out, and try's to show off his new car to me. We are on real good terms right now. Thing is. I've been at home on my days off work right now and he hasn't contacted me at all. He's disappeared. It's been three days. Why? He's usually the first one to contact me. I'm going crazy thinking he's with another woman and that he does not feel for me anymore, he was just being nice. What should I do Kevin??? Please help me get him back.

    Reply
  • Robert Jr

    Me and this girl went out for 3 years i broke up with her cause i wanted to flirt with other girls my fuck up, now its been 9 month we still talk here and there , she still cares about me and i love her , in. school she talking to this kid , for like 6 month i know she cares for me alot , she has called me drunk saying she loves me and that kid is just a kid to talk to today i texted her being needy and she was being cold , i'm planning to do the no talk rule , i know she can't be without me please Kevin , what should i do i'm truly inlove help please

    Reply
  • Tasha

    My ex and I broke up about a week ago and his friends were telling him that he would dumb to let me go because I'm the best thing that has even happended to him. After that he started texting me and telling me he hates me and is happy we aren't together. Atter that I stopped asking his text and phone calls and have gone 4 days not replying to his messages. This is killing me slowly, how did he go from loving me to hating me?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Love and hate are not the opposites. If he hates you, it means he still has feelings for you.

      Reply
    • Tasha

      What should I do, we live together and he left me a voice mail that he is picking up his things on Saturday, I took a trip to get away from the pain, which you already know isn't working. I won't be back until Monday, should I cut my trip short? I left all of my things, will he take it? I'm so stressed out, not answering his calls or text messages is killing me. I'm panicking

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Answer him. But only keep the conversation about the things. Don't cut your trip short just for him.

      Reply
  • Jessica

    Hello Kevin I was with my ex boyfriend for about 5 years which was not a really health relationship but we managed. Anyway we are both moved on and we both have a partner and we are happy with them but I still don't understand if he is so happy with his girlfriend why does he still insult me every time he sees me... Any Advice ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Either he is a jerk or he still has feelings for you and is insulting you because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. Which still makes him a jerk.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Kevin,

    My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago, but since then we have been off and on until about a month ago. Right after we broke up he started seeing another girl, but ended with her to not lost me. While we were off and on we still hung out, talked, said "I love you" and basically acted like a couple he just wouldn't commit and acted very unsure of what he wanted. While we were broken up we fought a lot, there was a lot of drama, I sometimes felt like he was using me, and he really was back and forth with how he felt. Finally, it got to be too much and I had given into every ex-girlfriend stereotype there is. So about a month ago we decided to just completely end things. Then he started asking to see me again and had been assuring me that he wasn't with anyone else or anything, but then he finally admitted he was seeing someone. So now he has a new girlfriend that he has been talking to for the past month or so while we really didn't completely end things until a little over a month ago. I'm not really sure if this advice still applies to me since we broke up so long ago or if this is even a rebound relationship for him. I haven't talked to him in about three weeks, but I still am unsure of what to do or if there is even still a chance for us to be together again.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think it's still a rebound relationship since he never got over you. He is still trying to keep you in his life. You should follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Marie

      How long do you think I should apply no-contact? While he was dating me, I caught him texting his ex so I know he isn't above that, but I'm not so sure he isn't so exhausted from our relationship and into this new girl that he won't contact me first. I don't want to miss an opportunity for him to miss me.

      Thanks.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should apply no contact for a month. Even if he doesn't contact you first, you should contact him after no contact.

      Reply
    • Marie

      How long should I wait until I can be sure this isn't a rebound relationship? He seems really happy, and all of his friends like her. She just is the COMPLETE opposite of me and anyone else he has ever gone for. I just can't tell if he likes her so much more because of her differences (and she probably does have a lot in common with him), but he always made it seem like he was so happy with me. I just don't really know what happened between us because he was always so in love and obsessed with me, and now has lost every motivation or feeling for me. We were best friends, and I don't want him to make a mistake of thinking this girl will be better to him. I would do anything for him, and I pretty much went through everything to be there for him and to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. But in the end, he has chosen someone else.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Marie,

      No one can say when his new relationship will end and you can never be sure if it's a rebound until it ends. I'll recommend you use the checklist at the starting of step 4 in the 5 step plan before contacting him.

      Reply
    • Marie

      Also another thing I should mention, whenever we were still off and on (about a month and a half ago) he told me that" if he ever decided to be with someone else, it wouldn't be him choosing her over me it would just be because so much had happened between us." So I don't really know what that means, or if that's a sign or what. I think he was starting to have feelings for this other girl by this point so maybe that had something to do with it.

      Reply
  • Ale

    My ex girlfriend just emailed me today saying she's still feels as bad as she did the day we broke up (it's been 2 months) I told her I would like to talk to her about something important if she is willing to see me. She said she wants to but is scared and that she's kit sure when. We talked a little longer about her problems with things going on right now and she said she worries about me all the time, then I said I really have important things to tell her and to please let me know when she can see me.... She then stopped responding for the rest of the day.. What should I do and what do you think is going on in her head?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think she got scared with the way you proposed meeting her. You put too much pressure on her with the important things bit. You should keep things light. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Katie

    Kevin,

    My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years and I broke up one year ago. We were high school sweethearts and cared about each other a lot, however we both agreed that we needed time apart to do our own thing and experience life as single people. The breakup was mutual. We both dated other people but I never felt the same about anyone the way I did about him. Eventually, after not talking for months, we reconnected in February of this year. We spent a lot of time together and spoke about possibly getting back together. After the time apart I realized that I truly loved him and wanted to get back together. He wasn't totally sure about whether or not he wanted to date again. However after hanging out for a couple months, he began to come around and thought that maybe we would but he needed time to think about it. We planned on taking things slow, not jumping right back into being a couple but spending time together and being exclusive (not seeing other people). He is not a very emotional person so sometimes I question how much he cares about me, he says he loves me but he doesn't always walk the walk as far as proving he wants to be with me. I worry that I want it more then him. Should I wait for him to decide if he wants to date me or move on ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You shouldn't be needy at this time and you shouldn't push him at all. Any needy behavior is going to reduce your chances. IF you think he is worth it, you should wait. At least for a while. Give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for him? If till that time, he doesn't commit, cut contact with him and move on.

      Reply
  • Jordan

    Hello Kevin,

    So my ex girlfriend and were dating for 2 years and through the first year and a half everything was great no arguments nothing. But as her 21 birthday started to come up she started to go out more and wanted to be more independent and I was fine with that. But her priorities were starting to change and she started to hangout with one of her single crazy friends all the time. So once she turned 21 and was going out I started asking her if I was one of her priorities because I was starting to feel like and option and not a priority. She told me that she knows that she started doing that and she asked if we should do are own things and I said sure. So it has been a week and now she wont talk to me but the problem is that we work together and I still have strong feeling for her. So I don't really know what to do because her and I talk 3 day after the break up and she told me that she does not want to date anybody and that she needs her space from me right now. But she still cares about me. So we haven't talked after that. I Have no idea what to do because I still love her a whole bunch. I just don't know where to start because no contact is imposable till I change departments.

    Reply
  • Sarah

    Hi

    I had a 4 year relationship with a man I worked with. The company we worked for layed him off and he was forced to find work in another very large city. It happens to be the city where his High School girlfriend was living (we are in our 50's). I was worried but he assured me they were only friends and that I was the one he wanted. We planned to be together. The relationship progressed as normal - or so I thought.
    I felt like something wasn't right and play detective and found out he was living at her residence (it's a very expensive city so he would have needed a roommate).
    Again, he claimed he was renting a room and they were friends, still claiming he loves me. After that, I started putting 2 and 2 together and there had been lies going on about this woman for about 2 years.! He will not talk to me about any of this anymore and ignores my emails and texts when I question him. He will text and email me and tell me how much he loves me - I suspect when he has been drinking. I'm totally confused.
    I feel so betrayed and lied to. But I still love and miss him. Why is he doing this to me? He just doesn't want me to move on?

    Reply
  • Maria

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of 3.5 years just recently broke up with me. We have had our shares of ups and downs but it has been more good than bad. We met and started dating in florida and then after a year we moved in together and then moved out to Texas the following year. Things were going good for a while until recently. He would start pointing out all of the bad things instead of the good. I still love him to pieces but I do not know how he feels, he says he still loves me and cares but other times his behavior doesn't make it seem that way.

    We are still currently living together, but that is changing in a few weeks, as he wants me to move out. I am in shambles and torn apart and really need some advice on what to do. This is the longest and one of the best relationships either of us has been in. What do I do? Do i wait and see what comes, or should I just move on.

    Reply
  • Rachel

    My ex and i broke up over another girl texting him about how much she loved him i still don't know what he had said back. But when he broke up with me he said it was because we were better friends. i later found out it was because he still liked another girl. now were good friends, but then one day he tells me he loves me still and i told him i didn't want to like him and then be hurt again. how do i know he isn't just using me? like i feel he did before?
    im so confused right now all my friends say to forget about him, because i deserve better but they don't know how much he means to me. What should i do?

    Reply
  • Walter

    I"m sorry Kevin I don't know if my comment went through. I am 22 and my ex is 19. We dated for a year. She left about 6 months ago and I met up with her twice since then. She thinks I am a crazy jealous person and doesn't not think we can be back together. I messed up recently I started a argument with a friend cause I thought he left a comment on one of her pictures on instagram. but it wasnt him. My friend told my ex about it. So i texted her. She said I have not changed. that i still start things and she brings back the names i called her and I feel bad. Because I let things get to me back then. and I am really sorry for that. I want to be friends and she is okay with that and we might hang out soon.(all of this is messaging on facebook) But she tells me about the dates she has been going on. and comments that people say about her at work! i how she needs to find a foreign dude. she is trying to make me jealous? and I think she is mad that i have been going out to bars and clubs. she calls me a scumbag but playing around. like after everything its crazy that she wants to be friends. I think she wants to see me but maybe see if I really changed? I don't know what to do. I love her so much and I want to prove I am a better person. I wanna fix things that we were broken in our relationship.

    Reply
  • sosa36

    hi me and my wife been together for 7 yrs married for 5. she wasnt physically attracted to me i was a big guy and all she ask was that i lose weight. long story short over the years i lost and gained but her feelings started fading.. in december she met a guy and basically jumped shit out of our marriage. in 5 months she has basically fell in love with this smooth talker that is physically fit and has nothing to offer. 30 w/ masters lives with parents and lies all the time. i have finally lost the weight but now she doesnt even notice me because everything revolves around this guy. i want to work it out. she text me and tell me she misses me but i know she tells him the same thing. Im getting divorce and i want to save my marriage. we have kids and besides my weight our marriage was perfect. she loves me but she is in love with him. he doesnt even want to be around my kids. He avoids my kids at all cost and only wants to spend time with her but she cant see that.. she just text me that she loves me and she wish her feelings for this guy would go away and she wish i would have cared about her feelings these past years..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I think she will eventually get over the other guy and want to come back. You should just let it be her decision and try to move on yourself during this time. Start going out on dates and learn to live your life without her. I wish you the best.

      Reply
  • Filipe Zhu

    Hi,

    I wanted to share my story and some advice. I am 24 and she is 24 as well. We dated for 18 months. During the period of 18 months we have some falls and some ups, like break up but always have made up after a few hours. We went to university of Edinburgh, thats where we met and been living with her for almost 1 year. We talked alot about the future, and even almost went up for marriage (as to actually going to the marriage department). Then she found a job in Aberdeen, and it was a long distance relationship. Few months after she went to Aberdeen, she coudnt stop thinking about me and would come and visit me in Edinburgh, but recently (last 3 months) we become distant and there was nothing to talk about, she was starting to lose patience to talk about her day. The relationship went boring, we start having communication problems. She would get angry at me for every little thing. So she said we should take a break for one month and accepted that. After one week, I didnt wait for 1 month, I asked her the what have she decided, and she said i dont know, then ask her another question, if she needed time, and she said no. Thats when we broke up, which was just a couple of days.

    Reply
  • Kim

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I have been together for 4 years we've been off for 5 months now, I've tried the NC for 8 days but he texted me again bec my friend told him that I was rushed to the hospital because of our unsuccesful abortion then the NC was postponed and now we're talking again, it's so hard because he's shutting me out , he's flirting with other girls online, he would go ballistic and would be ill-tempered. I should be 4 months pregnant now with him but we aborted the baby bec he told me that he's not yet ready and I feel like he's really confused. He still concern with me, I could tell that but he's so cold now and all. Help!

    Reply
  • Kayla martin

    Does my ex boyfriend still love me? And want to be back with me?
    We were together for just under 2 years, we are young and met at school. We were great together up until about 3 weeks before he broke up with me. He just started acting like a jerk and spoke to me quite abusively. We broke up because he said he didnt want to hurt me anymore, he said this for about a week before we broke. He used it for the whole week and i was on the phone to him every night with solutions that would have fixed everything! Then out of the blue, he told me he had lost feeling for me, and had for a couple of weeks (which isnt true). We broke up on bad terms (me yelling at him and him saying nothing back) and so now we havent spoken, its only been 2 days since it happened and i think there is a good chance of us getting back together, i just want to know why he is doing the following:
    Yes they are immature, but it is what he is doing..
    1. Adding slutty looking girls on facebook when he knows i can see... (We had alot of arguments over this stuff during the relationship).
    2. He didnt reply to my last 2 messages i sent him (during the break up! Not after.) he didnt see them either.
    3. He is ignoring me.
    4. He still loves me, he said that but now he is acting like our relationship didnt happen.
    5. He is on facebook for short periods of time (1-5 minutes), then goes offline for about 2-3 and comes back on for another short time... Im not sure if he is checking up on me? Maybe waiting for me to message him? Or maybe he has already moved on and is talking to someone else..

    I just need a bit of help to clarify what these actions could mean.

    Thankyou x

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      From the things you said, I am pretty sure he has not moved on and still has feelings for you. But none of it suggests he wants to get back with you.

      Reply
  • Patrick

    Hi Kevin,

    I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years, about two months ago. Our decision to go on a break was not through lack of love or infidelity or anything like that, I was approaching deadline on a large scale project and I felt guilty about putting her on the backburner. I am her first boyfriend, and things were shaping up for us to settle down and marry once both of our professional lives had become a little less turbulent. After about three weeks apart, it become apparent just how much we balance each other out as people and how much I truly love her. I contacted her only to have her inform me that she doesn't want to come back right now, and she has developed feelings for someone else. After much persuading I convinced her to spend a weekend at my parents vacation house, to try and sort it out. Obviously there was a sad kind of tension in the air, but for the most part it was mutual affection and positive signs (and we were together intimately, throughout the weekend). On Monday, she said that while she had a great time and loves me dearly, she is still confused and while she has these feelings for this other guy, she can't come back, but she knows eventually she wants to marry me and start a family, down the line. The day after that, she sends a text, saying how much she misses me. In spite of this, part of me worries that she may never come back. This new person can focus all of his time on her, he works in the same industry and socialises in all of the same friendship circles. He is the less complicated option. I don't know what I should do. I love her and don't want to be with anybody else.

    Reply
  • L

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I were together for 3 years, the first off and on (where I broke up with him because I wanted a commitment and he wanted a promotion :-/) and he waited 7 months and wanted me back and said he was ready.. the last 2 years were great.. we loved each other and never argued about anything until the last 6ish months were he wanted me to move in but I wanted to get engaged. (he made a few comments of we'll be engaged by August but didnt follow through).. I stayed a lot at his place but never fully moved in.. This past January, I got angry and moved all my stuff back to my place.. he pleaded for a month about me moving in with him fully and said he'd get a Uhaul tomorrow and bascially I said unless there's a ring it's a no go... he spoke with me until about 3 weeks ago one night calling then the next nothing.. and was MIA for a week, went on vacation with some guy friends, deleted me from facebook then came back and now is dating some girl he knew a long time ago (not sure if they ever dated or not).. I really love him and know that the last months of our relationship I put a lot of pressure on him but I'm 29 & he's 39 so I felt like he should be ready. Basically the last month I've been feeling as though I shouldnt have pressured so much and cant imagine myself with anyone else. :0/ My fear is that this girl has a kid and I dont want him to be with her and because she's not pressuring him for those things b/c she's been married, divorced, and engaged again, and split from him too that he'll feel less pressure and commit.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey L,

      I don't think he will commit just because there is less pressure. And many times, pressure does help in making a decision. But it was not the case with him. I think you should accept the fact that he is not ready to commit right now. And if commitment is important to you, you should try to move on and find someone who is ready to commit.

      Reply
  • Brittany

    I was doing the NC and my ex waited for his birthday to be over before texting me to ask me why I didn't wish him. Does he still have feelings for me? But after that text, he told me he just wanted to be best friends forever. What does he mean?

    Reply
  • Sarah

    I need some advice as I'm very confused right now.

    I was casually seeing this guy for about a year and things were going great then his ex got in touch to tell him that her daughter had killed herself. Understandably he was upset and I tried to help him through everything. As a result of the death one of his old female friends got in touch with him as they both knew the girl that died. Since they started talking again he hasn't been the same with me.

    We continued to see each other and were very close but then he withdrew completely then out of the blue tells me he's in love with his old friend and she's everything he wants. They started dating while he was still sleeping with me. Needless to say I was devastated as he dropped me for someone who doesn't even live in the same country.

    He has said many times that I mean a lot to him and he wants me just not as much as he wants her, they have a future but we don't even though he doesn't seem to want to let me go.

    Now he's told me that she's coming for a visit and he wants me to meet her. I was honest and said I'd do it because he asked but can't make any promises about my behaviour (I have depression and am having a tough time at the moment) to which he replied telling me not to mess things up for him.

    I am confused as to how I'm supposed to be able to mess up their relationship if they're so in love which each other?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If possible, avoid the meeting and start no contact. Tell him you are not ready to meet her and you don't know if you'll ever be ready. Just cut contact with him for 3 months and if you still want him back after that, contact him using the methods described in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Marie Walsh

    Hello, I hope you can help me.

    Basically me and my ex split up 6 months ago and throughout this time he has been very hot and cold. Inviting me round but then not replying on the day it was meant to happen, going for a few drinks and telling me he still loves me and he's sorry and he kissed me and hinted at a future together. But since then he's now telling me he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, he is emotionless when he hears my name. Things like that.

    He's moving abroad for 6 months in May, and said he will meet me for a drink when he's back but this does not mean we will get back together... I always have to text him first too. I also have a feeling he is talking to other girls too. I've also asked him to meet me for closure, but he refuses too saying he doesn't want to see me.

    I am just so confused about whether we will sort this out, he really is the love of my life and we lived together and have a dog together. I'm just not sure where I stand. We were together officially a year, but had been dating 6 months previous to that. What would be the best approach to take?

    Any help will be muchly appreciated, thank you :).

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Best approach is to leave him for a while. If he is moving abroad for 6 months, I'll suggest you keep no contact till the time he comes back. Make a lot of positive changes in your life till then and when he comes back, get back in touch with him.

      Reply
    • Marie Walsh

      Basically, I have done the no contact thing for a week... And I have still not responded. He has tried to ring me 4 times during it. Sent me about 8 texts, the first being little silly things like "what?" And "?" Even though I hadn't said anything. He then accused me of cheating on him whilst we were together. Even though he knows deep down I never would. The last night before he boarded the plane he sent me this.

      "Just want to say before I leave the country, thanks for fucking my life up and ruining a friendship

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I hope you didn't reply back. You should contact him till you finish no contact. If he keeps on messaging you, tell him you need some space and time.

      Reply
  • Kim

    My ex broke up with me 6 months ago due to our relationship becoming long distance and my family not accepting him. He said he couldn't see a future together, but he has kept in contact with me everyday since we broke up. And he has since moved back to the area. I am still in love with him but I don't know if he wants to be with me. What should I do?

    Reply
  • James

    Hey Kevin,
    My girl friend/mother of my child and I, of 7 years separated in February. We were each other's first love. We were having a lot of arguments in the past year, regarding money, moving to a new place, and of me not spending quality time with her, even though I worked 7 days a week. At first she said she needed space, but I constantly pressured her to coming back until she decided to break up with me for good. During the last couple months we had intercourse, arguments and at this point she is still hurt and wants me to move on and to leave her alone. She is only interested in texting or talking about our daughter, but says she is not ready to talk about our feelings. I haven't tried no contact, and is it enough to bring her back? What else should I do? Mother's day is coming up soon, and should I give her anything?

    Reply
  • Marshall

    My name is not Marshall...I'm female, but I won't put my real name because I'm paranoid about someone who knows me, finding my name over here. And english isn't my native language so sorry for all the mistakes I make. This is gonna be a long story and I fear that you tell me to get over him. I'm 20 and he is 20 too. And we had a relationship horribly chaotic. Starting with stories from an ex girlfriend of his, trying to punch me while she is pregnant from another man to...now. We had a on- off relationship, and we never broke up because of stupid fights, the first time was when he tried to hurt me by getting me jealous, and I decided to leave him because I thought a relationship with someone trying to hurt me because he felt hurt by me...that won't work out. But we stayed together for 2 years. After a year he always tried to make me jealous by having female friends. Of course he liked them, but he had way to much fun rubbing the fact that another girl is interested in his attention in my face. This was the first time I went no-contact for 1 week. And of course he went crazy.

    I simply didn't answer his texts until he caught me on the street and took my phone away until I would talk to him. He apologized and told me he would change and everything would be better now. Thing is, I never wanted him to change, I simply wanted him to be a respectful boyfriend, which would stop with these childish games of making me jealouy and stuff. And these female friends. He told stuff to them about how crazy I am and sent them all my texts... I couldn't imagine to stay with him when he has friends constantly telling him how bad I am and that he should dump me... So At first I tried to accept these friendships, but after it got worse and he tried to make me jealous again...I freaked out, left him...wanted him back 3 days later and he pushed me away, so I did no contact for another 2 weeks and he would come back an beg me to be with him again, that he needed me soo much...this scenario went on and on, he even pissed off my parents by the way he acted, and once when he came back to beg me to be his girlfriend again...I was in his car, and he drove somewhere up a hill where I was away from home for like 10 km and he kept me in his car until it was 3 o clock in the morning and I couldn't go back home.

    I couldn't escape until I said yes to being back together. After 2 years we broke up again. And he came back after a week asking me back, so I told him that I needed a break. I would love to not hear from him for 2-3 months. He was ok with it. So after 3 months we would meet up and he would give me a present, and apologize again. And all his friends knew how much he missed me and...I was pretty much over him. I still gave him another chance, and he broke up with me 1 month later and wanted me back after that...and I refused, but then he started talking to a friend of mine, telling her that he of course would change...and then she started begging me for being with him again. So again we came back together, and the relationship was awful. i have a hard time telling this to someone, but somehow I wanted to have no sex for 2 weeks or so. And he always forced me to do it.

    It came to a point on which he was above me doing it, and me telling him to stop, and he would just hold my hands and doing what he did. So after that I asked him why he would do that. His answer was that he doesn't know why...that he just thinks I am so beautiful and he couldn't resist, and he isn't proud of it. One month ago I left. Not saying goodbye or that I wanted to dump him...and he sent me a text the next day and I didn't answer. So I just needed the space. I got nightmares of what he did and I don't know if I am overreacting, but i just felt awful...after a month I asked him if everything was ok and that I am sorry for the way I left and that I couldn't do it any other way... He read it, waited for 10 minutes and then told me that I should leave him alone, that he doesn't expect anything from me anymore. So as dumb as I am I told him that I just wanted to do a clear finish line, that I really can't handle what he did and that I met someone, and that I don't want to be with him anymore. He just said that it is the same with him and that he doesn't expect anything anymore.

    So I said the dumbest thing ever(you can give me an award for that) that I would have been happy if he apologized for what he did...and he sent a question mark...and then I told him that I would like to meet up and talk about it and he answered that he was watching a dvd and he would answer the next day. He didn't. And I didn't text him because i regret what I did and didn't want to annoy him. Sooo. Thats it. Fact is, I still think he loves me and that he wants to fall out of love, that he just wants to forget me. And I keep telling myself that there is a chance that he would come back since he still has this feeling. But I think he just won't come back.

    There is another plan of getting him back by begging and apologizing, and I'm pretty sure he would love that. But in what kind of relationship would that end...so say it. Is there any chance of getting him back? I had to stand up sooo many times and try to find myself again and try to be happy again without him. Simply even people around me would notice how much better I do when I was out of relationship. And I belive only I can make myself happy, having someone being happy with you is just a very nice extra. But I was so unhappy with him. And I tried being happy alone so often, it's just hard trying this again... Is there any chance? Is there somemkind of plan I should follow? Am I just freaking out so bad because I realize how I lost control? Control I never had? Thanks for reading all this...maybe you are the one person that I take seriously... So this is gonna be a punch in the face if you tell me to get over him.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Marshall,

      Did you read the 5 step plan?

      Also, if you do want to try again, you should do no contact for another 2 months. He will probably want to come back to you after that. I assume he is in a rebound right now which is why he is not pursuing you. Once his current relationship ends, he will want to try to get back with you.

      But like you said in the beginning, I do think you should try to move on and look for a healthier and more stable relationship.

      Reply
    • Marshall

      I did read it...and I'm really surprised and thankful for your answer...it must take a lot time to answer all these questions...and He just texted me today that he would like to meet up to clear up all that hatred...I didn't answer...I was kinda surprised that he even texted me because I assumed that he tried to move on...I don't think he's in a rebound... I think someone would tell me that...but he probably is enjoying his single life with friends that keep telling him how much of a bitch I am...

      Anyway...even if that is the case or isn't I give you 100% of my trust and follow this plan. 2more months...I'll do it

      Actually, I read like 75% of your blog, and I really really love the way you are. Especially how you put in these pictures and meme's...I assume you're visiting 9gag or reddit often. Usually I am the one who tells my friends how to deal with a breakup or help them how to get back a ex...but none of them could ever answer me these questions. so you played that part now. Thanks a lot for being the friend that I don't have and being that coach that tells me what to do when I was about to freak out. If you have the time and motivation on telling me why he texted me about the meetup again...please comment on this. I'm kinda scared that he wants to rub something in my face so I won't answer for at least 2 weeks or...not even then. actually...2 months...right? :/
      have a nice evening, a nice morning and day...
      Greetings-marshall

      Reply
    • Marshall

      Ok. It's been a month since I commented on your blog. So, I spent time on working on myself and stuff you suggested. The weird thing is, I always feel like he's still part of my life, even when we stopped talking amd stuff, I don't miss just someone in my life, I miss him. There's no reason to still be in love with him, but I just do. How is it possible that I still have such feelings after 2 month of NC?
      Anyway, I talked to a friend of mine and he said something like, he belives my ex has a female friend that tells him how to deal with me. And I think my friend has a good point. Usually my ex goes insane when I stop running for him. This time he doesn't. He needed about 5 minutes to give his cool "I don't care answer". That's exactly what he always did when he was asking Female friends what he should do...And actually, you said he's in a rebound right now. He's not. And it makes me worry that he actually is about to loose his feelings for me right now. But is it possible that he just enjoys being single and hanging with his friends? He's not the type of guy that gets to woman. He's usually that friendzoned kind of guy. I will meet him in a month from now at a festival with friends of us and he doesn't know that I'm gonna be there so... I'm not gonna text him at all...just don't have another choice. I'm going to keep doing what You suggested. But for now these
      Questions are driving me crazy. How am I supposed to get back together with him when his decisions are depending on a friend of his that wants us to be apart? Does it still work the same? Or are my hopes just finally lost?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, you can't control what his friend says to him or what she does to try to influence him. The best you can do is be confident, attractive and fun when you meet him. You still just follow the same strategy. It increases your chances. That's the best you can do. Once the lines of communication is open between you two, hopefully he will start interacting with you a lot more than his female friend and her influence on him will decrease. Just make sure you don't make it obvious you want to get back together.

      Reply
    • Marshall

      Well, confidence is what makes a person attractive in my opinion, so...I guess I'm working on that for the next few weeks. Thanks a lot for the tips and thanks for calming me down a little.

      Reply
    • Marshall

      Sooooooo...I fucked up. But not the way you would think I have...or maybe yes, the way you think. I was on some sort of truckerfestival and he saw me and he didn't know that I would be there too. So, after we met we started drinking beers, had a really fun time, and we talked about what happened in the time that had passed, I told him about that I started with some sort of healthy lifestyle, and he told me how his work was going and after I got pretty drunk...(he didn't, I'm half asian so I guess getting drunk fast is a thing with me.) I went to the toilet and he joined and then we walked around looking at trucks. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he is a truckmechanic and I'm a carmechanic. (not the fat kind) and we talked about the engines and he was pretty impressed with what I knew since I only work with cars. Anyway, I don't know what happened, but while we were walkind we were holding hands all out off the sudden, and then I remember that we kissed and yeeah, I don't know how this happened. He wasn't drunk, so he must know...so later he told me that he gave up on all his friends, that he needs me back in his life because without me there would only be chaos, he said he wanted to text me on my birthday(which is today) so he could get me back...and then he confessed that he did have sex with another woman during our no contact, that it was horrible, he just wanted to do it since I told him I would be off to something new too, and I got pretty drunk-pissed with him. I shouldn't be, but in my head I thought that he risked getting back together and...I told him that there was no way of getting back together and then I went back to our cars (in which we would sleep) and he came too...so, we sat there together, and he asked me if I wanted to go on vacation with him for summer, I answered in a pretty shocked way that this just won't happen. And he covered his eyes and went away saying he just needed to go for a walk alone. Later In the evening we were out with our friends and he payd for a drink for me, and I just got pretty drunk again...and there were alot of guys that wanted to dance with me and I just had a really good time, and as far as I remember, he wanted to dance with me too, and I told him to fuck off and not even dare to touch me. So he went back to the cars, and I went there an hour later too and we talked and I fell asleep next to him, and I remember him cry pretty bad...I don't know what I said or what I have done, but he cried...and I don't know how but I somehow bit his finger. Don't ask me why I bit him, I just do it with everything that pops up in front of my head...but I'm usually a very nice person. Anyway, we started kissing and hugging again but we did not have sex. And the day after he just said he didn't want to talk about us and what's up with us, and in the evening we were in the bed together and we talked a little and he told me that he just didn't understand why I left him...and now he would, and the next day he acted very strange like he didn't care about us anymore and I told him to only text me if he wants to do something and not ifnhe feels like that would bring us back together. He said he wasn't sure if kissing and all that stuff was bad or good, and that he would text me. So we both went home, and he didn't text me yet, even when he knows that today is my birthday...on the same weekend another friend of mine(who's like 30 years old) confessed his love to me via text, and another friend of ours just told me pretty sad that I should not do anything I would regret. So, my ex also got jealous a lot of times. Sorry for the long text, I don't get what happened or anything...and I'm worried that he at the end realized that I had feelings for him too and is trying to get back the dominant role or something...or he just gave up, I don't know...it's only been a day since I saw him. Can you tell what's up? I guess I just wait until he texts and if he doesn't I will text him in 2 weeks. Starting over no contact and stuff. But maybe you suggest something better. I'm sorry for keeping this comment being so long, but I can't tell what's a good idea and what not. A few minutes ago it felt like a good idea giving him a text because I got a litle sick and I would ask him if he wanted to hang around a little bit. Stupid, isn't it. Good that I didn't do it. Bad thing is my brain thinks that's the right thing to do right now, so maybe you could be my coach and tell me what to do...

      Reply
    • Marshall

      Kevin, he's different now...He texted me for my birthday and he was pretty...distant, so I talked with him about how my birthday was a,d somehow he said we just kissed at the festival and that's it. And I got nervous si I asked him what's up with us...if I didn't matter anymore, I don't get it...and then he said he's confused and didn't give me hope and he cares about me but he doesn't want to talk, later he said he needs time to think and that he doesn't know what's the best and that it is to much for him now. That he just wanted to be friends, and then I got angry with him and he said that he doesn't understand why I make this drama, that he liked to see me at the festival and he'd like to keep seeing me but the drama would've started as soon as he told me that he had something new after me leaving without saying anything and 4months, and that we are not dating why I would act like that. I was just angry and I still am. What's going on, is he actually suffering from his feelings or did he just lost interests as soon as we kissed and stuff? This just sucks...what do I do now?

      Reply
  • Candace

    Kevin

    My ex and I had only been dating for 4 months. We had a great relationship until his hours increased at work. He works all the time. We never really spent time together. After I kept asking for more time without success I broke up with him. Now a week later I ask if we could work on thing and he said that he loves me, miss me and cares but that he doesn't know if we should get back together. Please help. What do I do???

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You just want to get back together because you miss him. I think you should apply no contact for another 2 months and decide whether or not you can have a healthy relationship with him that will satisfy you. If after that you still want to get back together, use the methods in the 5 step plan to get back in touch.

      Reply
  • Confused

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex of about 8 months broke up about 2 months ago. It's a long story and I'm feeling a bit numb right now so I apologise in advance. We've known each other a very long time, since we were kids but we haven't seen each other often since we live in different countries. He said he fell in love with me the first summer he met me, we were kids, about 11/12, and we seemed to connect immediately. I never felt anything more than friendship back then because I was too young to even consider him romantically.

    After that summer we saw each other again 2 years later in summer again. We hadn't really talked much since the first summer other than random calls to say happy birthday. That summer we became quite close and again there was the immediate connection and I found myself falling for him. When I came back home we both missed each other intensely and would literally sit at our computers and msg each other all day. While I visited him I was introduced to a very close friend of his and we talked on msn after I had left too, but we were not very close. I think about a month later my ex admitted he loved me and he couldn’t tell me before because his friend liked me too and he thought maybe I reciprocated those feelings. I told him I loved him too and he said he wanted to marry me one day. Quite soon after he told me it was a mistake and he didn't love me anymore. We stopped talking and we didn't see each other til 2 years later.

    When I saw him again I tried not to get too close to him, but he seemed insistent on trying to spend time with me and despite my efforts to stay away we got close and we still had the same instant connection and chemistry. I had already decided that I would not get into a relationship with him because it would complicate things and so he left before we could admit our feelings. We didn't speak immediately after he left. He would still send me birthday msgs but I never really msged him, I'm not sure why.

    I spoke to him again properly about 3 years later. I was sure all my feelings for him were gone and I only wanted to pursue a friendship. We connected again immediately and slowly we began to talk more and more until we were talking for hours almost everyday. My feelings for him came back almost instantly, maybe they were never really gone. I started to tell him things I'd never told anyone and he told me things as well. He would say odd things here and there which made me think maybe he did have feelings for me but I was too scared to address it so I would always turn the conversation away from it. I think about a year and a few months later, in summer I asked him if he did have feelings for me the last time he visited because we never addressed it. He admitted he did and then I asked him how he felt now and he told me he loved me. I asked him why he didn't tell me before and he said he was too afraid because he never thought he could get me. He said he was planning on making me fall madly in love with him once he visited me again. He said I was his 'dream girl' and that he has always loved me since he first saw me and that he wants to marry me one day etc etc. He's had one girlfriend but explained to me that he still liked me but never thought he could get me and had to move on so he began dating someone else. He was with her for a year and they broke up because she cheated on him.

    So we started dating and we talked even more and got even closer, if that was possible. He would say all sorts of sweet things to me and told me that I should ask him anything and how I had a right a to know whenever he was out who he was with and exactly what he was doing, but I told him there was no need since I trusted him and he said he would never cheat because he knows how it felt etc etc. For a while it was amazing and he would literally shower me with love every morning til I slept. But then we had a couple of serious fights a few months later where I wanted us to take a break but he would always get really upset and say he understood and he'd always wait for me, We'd always make up within a few hours at the most. Prior to us dating we've never fought, only that one time when we were kids and he said he didn't love me anymore, but it wasn't much of a fight even then.

    He visited during christmas and it was the first time we saw each other in years. We kissed and stuff and got more physical with each other for the first time. Nobody knew we were dating and we wanted to keep it private because our families are quite close and if anything happened it would likely break our families up so we didn't get to spend as much time together as we would have liked but we still had some time.

    For about a month after he left we still had a good relationship, we talked less as we both got more busy but he was still in love with me and would talk about our future a lot. Since the first time I met his close friend, who is still very close with him, I have talked on and off with him through the years but only every few months or so. After that first month we had our first major fight where he was the one to get angry at me. He didn't want me talking to his friend anymore, he told me for the first time that after I had left that summer years ago when he first told me he loved me, him and his friend got into a huge fight over me and they stopped talking for months. He said he didn't want to go through that again. I tried to tell my ex that me and his friend barely talk now and he is most probably over it and obviously doesn't like me anymore (his friend didn't know we were dating) but it turned into a huge fight and we made up a couple of days later but it didn't feel the same. After that we didn't talk as much and then a few days later we had another huge fight about his friend again. We made up but again it didn't feel the same, and I didn't know why.

    We started talking less and less, and our talks wernt as interesting and we started to have minor fights. He would still talk to me everyday though and for a while it seemed like things were getting better, our fights happened because of a lack of communication and he thought I was becoming colder so we were working on that. He broke up with me soon after.

    Our break up spanned 2 days and he said a lot of contradictory and confusing things. He kept saying how it wasn't working and we keep fighting and that I've been so cold lately but that he still loved me. He said he doesn't really know me and he thinks he rushed into loving me without knowing me properly because he has always wanted me so he wants to get to know me again. He also said he doesn't wanted to be with me and he doesn't ever want a relationship with me. He also said how he isn't ready to give so much of himself to someone yet and he isn't ready for a relationship and that he found it easier to talk to me and open up to me when we were friends because now he feels to much pressure of disappointing me. I said it's too hard for me to be friends so if we break up I would have to cut him out of my life and he started crying and saying he still loved me and how he would never have dated me if he knew this would happen etc I said I was sorry but friendship wasn't enough for me and he said he'd always be there and he would wait until I wanted to be friends again. We said our goodbyes but it was too hard and a day later I told him we could try to be friends.

    As soon as we broke up it seemed like he was having the time of his life as he kept putting up suggestive status's and pictures of him at clubs with girls and stuff. It was too hard being friends and few days later we got into a huge fight, even bigger than our break up fight. I basically poured my heart out to him and it seemed like he didn't care and we both said some horrible things to each other. He also went on to 'forbid' me from talking to his friend even though we weren't dating. This fight was very upsetting because even though we've fought before we've never been horrible or resorted to swearing and stuff. In the end we decided to have a two week break. During the 2 week break he continued posting things which made it seem like he was having the time of his life and he kept snap chatting me pictures of himself as well. We lapsed twice where he told me that its been really hard for him to not talk to me. At the end of the two we break we talked and I tried to keep my cool but I was getting increasingly upset as he kept telling me how perfect his life is now and told me about other girls and even showed me a picture where he was at a club with a girl and asked me my opinion on it. At the end I lost my cool and told him it was inappropriate for him to tell me these things, he then gave me a long explanation about how all those things meant nothing and the girl was just a friend and the other girls are just friends nothing more etc. We started to talk more where we would get kind of close again but then we'd have a fight again and we kept acting hot and cold with one another. This happened repeatedly. I decided I'd had enough so I ignored all his messages and stopped talking to him for just over a week. When we did talk again he was angry I'd ignored him and yelled at me and then went on to deleting me and blocking me. He unblocked me a day later and we talked and we both apologised about how we had been behaving and he also said he was still a little jealous because I was talking to his friend and that it was childish but he was okay with it now.

    We started talking again but we didn't talk as much and it seemed colder. since then we keep on having this pattern of not talking too much and getting cold to having a fight and then making up and reaching each other emotionally and then going back to not talking as much. At one point he showed me a picture of himself because he's been working out and he wanted me to see and I asked jokingly was there any girl he was trying to look nice for. He told me that there was this girl who he knew liked him but he wasn't sure, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet but maybe in a bit. This cut me, we hadn't broken up for very long and already hes considering another girl. I didn't let him know this upset me and instead told him I was happy for him.

    A few days later I told him I was going to go abroad this summer and he act like he wasn't interested so we stopped talking. We had another fight and he admitted to me that he went cold because he was upset as he thought it meant I wouldn't be visiting him this summer and so he was trying not to care because he 'didn't want to care'. He also said he thought I was dating or interested in someone else. I said I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with anyone and I was only looking for friendship and he said yeah same. I also said that I would be visiting him this summer because my family had already made plans and he seemed really excited and we talked for a few hours.

    But then he stopped talking to me as much and ignoring my msgs for hours or days sometimes because he forgot to respond. Once he ignored my msg entirely because he wasn't sure what to say, he said he didn't mean to talk less he just gets busy and doesn't like going on his phone as much. It seems like he just isn't really interested anymore. Yesterday we had a fight and I had enough telling him I wasn't sure if we could be friends and I had to cut him off. He asked me I could cut him off so easily 'Just like that'. I said no obviously not but I had to because I don't think we can be friends anymore. Even though we've been able to talk after we've fought, we still can't seem to be connecting like we used to. He said maybe it would be different in person, but I said I wasn't sure. He then said he understood and he'd always be there for me whatever I decided. I told him I couldn't be friends and I said goodbye.

    I still love him and I want him back, but I think our current relationship is unhealthy because we keep fighting and making up frequently and its hurting our friendship. He has said that he still cares about me but he doesn't want to be with me. He said he'd always be there but I think he'd do that for anyone because he is generally a very good and loving person. I'm not sure if the NC will work because I don't think he'll miss me and in the past whenever I've stopped talking to him for large amounts of time, it's never seemed to bother him too much. Do you think there is any chance of us getting back together? his behaviour is very confusing to me and I'm not sure if he feels anything beyond friendship :( I'm not really sure why he broke up with me either so I don't know how to make it right:( If so do you think I should apply NC until I see him in summer? (this would be about 2-3 months)

    Again sorry for the long story, but I feel much better getting it off my chest, any insights would be welcome:) thanks:)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you should apply no contact until you see him. The aim of no contact is not just to make him miss you but also to make you realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy. You should do everything that's listed in the no contact section of the guide. I think there is a chance of getting back together. But I also think that since both of you are young, you should explore other options and learn more about yourself before committing yourself to a relationship. Perhaps, the real reason he broke up with you was because he wants to explore his options and doesn't want to be committed at a young age.

      Reply
    • Confused

      You could be right, I think maybe that's it and maybe the long distance maybe too much for him. But he did say he would never want a relationship with me ever again, do you think he meant that? I think you're right about me needing to learn more about myself, which is what I'll be doing in the next few months before I see him. Hopefully I'll be much improved by then. Thank you so much for your reply and this website, I have a little bit of hope now:) but I have taken your warnings to heart and I know there is a chance we won't be together so I'm not putting too much hope into it

      Again thanks:)

      Reply
    • Charles

      Hello Confused,

      With all the distance between you two, its difficult to suggest what might be the outcome of you're relationship. You stated above you argue quite often and the space between you is the issue of that matter. From experience, and not to hurt your emotions, he most likely left a good portion of his feelings for you at his doorstep. Its a hurtful and sad reality which everyone cope's with at some point in their lives. It's terrible to leave another person feeling rejection, hatred, love, desire, remorse, ashamed, loose, confused and unhappy. It's plain torture. You seem overwhelmingly invested in him and it makes me feel sorrowful. He is where he wants to be. If he wanted another try, he would count your messages until he sees you again. He wouldn't ignore your texts or phone calls, or send you bad snapchats would he? Only fools wield no respect for others and play innocent people. It petrifies me to see how much you care about him. Please take my advice. Would you want to give your heart to someone who has already crushed it and broke it into smaller and smaller pieces..again? Ms. If you mean anything to him he wouldn't allow you to feel the way you do. Its tough dear, so very tough. if you feel that you are reserving yourself for him until the time arrives, don't. It can be catastrophic to the relationships you have built with others and in return, making them feel the same way you do about themselves. My suggestion: If you have felt any connection with another person, stop hesitating to accept their love. Stop letting this mistake blur you from a clear picture and you will realize the sweet guy you've turned down a hundred times is the one you want. In the most pure and thought giving way, you are strong human being and you can do it. A wise woman once told me "you should not wait for someone who has already left and if you don't take them as they come you can finish the sentence"

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      A lot of people say that after a breakup without meaning it. At that moment, perhaps he really meant it. But it doesn't mean he won't change his mind in the future.

      Reply
  • Smiler

    Hi Kevin, oh man do I need some advice!!!

    After a rather rocky 2 years together, my (now ex) partner walked out on me for about the 18th time 2 weeks ago. I know I sould pathetic having taken him back over and over but each time he left it was over something ridiculous, he'd lose his temper, ignore me for a couple of weeks (I'd ignore him too) and then I'd always receive a text wanting to clear the air. This became his normal behaviour so I accepted it as part of who he was, always knowing I was the love of his life and that he'd always return. He seemed to have serious issues dealing with anything that happened that caused a bit of stress in our relationship, most times nothing major, the odd blazing row but rather than sit down, talk it through and work towards putting it right he would just run!

    This time I'd been unwell for a few weeks so was quite quiet, a bit stressed with work and rundown, because I wasn't well we weren't being as close as we usually were, maybe he even felt a little pushed away? Maybe I wasn't giving him as much attention as I should? Up until the day he walked out on me he was still sending me the usual 'I love you' texts but then the evening he was due to stay he turned up, sat me down for 10 minutes and told me it wasn't working, he felt I was distancing myself from him and that it was over. I got upset and he left. I texted him asking him to please come back and sort it out (something I never did before) and got ignored. A few days later I was out and walked straight into him with another woman. I felt sick, I then found out he had sent her the exact same flowers he used to send me just the day after walking out! He seems to have thrown himself straight into another relationship but I know his love for me can't have died that quickly! How can you go from loving someone to being with someone else within days?

    Although we had or ups and downs I truly, truly believe I was the love of his life, we had an intense relationship and as I know from his past history, he'd leave in anger and then once he'd calmed down would ALWAYS be back as like he'd always told me he will always love me. I am hurting so much that this time rather than deal with things and calm himself he's gone a step further by immediately dating someone else. He must feel at least some hurt that he's lost which, in the most part, was a great relationship.

    I couldn't even contemplate dating someone else yet, nor for a long time, I need to heal myself first and am so utterly confused, am still in love with him and I really think deep down he must still have feelings for me as apart from me being unwell there were no rows, we still did stuff together and like I said, he was still telling me he loved me everyday. He's not been in touch at all, not even to explain, I just cannot understand his reasons for what he's done. Does he still love me and is trying to block it out by throwing himself at another woman? Or has he simply fallen out of love with me within days? Is that even possible. I miss him so much even after he's hurt me so badly. All I think about is him being all happy and loved up with his new lady and it's killing me inside. Am just looking for answers as to why he would want to hurt me so very much.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's a rebound relationship. I don't think he wants to hurt you. I think he just doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. And yes, I think he still loves you and is definitely not over you yet.

      Reply
    • Smiler

      Thanks Kevin, you have no idea how reassuring it was reading that. Am trying so hard not to keep thinking about them together but it's taking over my head constantly. I haven't contacted him since I sent quite a nasty text in anger the evening after seeing them, see, it wasn't just me that saw them, my little boy was with me and for him to show no remorse, give any explanation or even apologise for how he made us feel makes me believe he really couldn't care less for either of us and that our relationship was a sham! I could never treat anyone so bad so cannot get my head around how he could! We were his life for 2 years and now it's like we're less than nothing :(

      Reply
  • Natalie

    Kevin, could you please elaborate on what indifference really means? My boyfriend of 8 yrs told me a few months ago he felt numb toward me, due to all the frequent fights we've been having, and he's hurt and can't open himself to me. He broke up with me a few weeks ago after we had another big fight, saying we should take some time away from each other, and moved out the next day. I begged him to come back a few days after that but he refuses, saying he does not feel anything toward me anymore and wants a fresh start, and I should get over him. He also said a relationship cannot work without trust (he thinks I am insecure because I can't trust him to love me). We spent 2 weeks not talking to each other (he was traveling), but when he came to move his things out last week, we had a meal out and conversed casually (with many jokes), after which we moved things to his new place (though I had to ask 4 times before he accepted my help). We were comfortable in each other's company during that time, but he didn't want to hug me when I left, even though he walked me down and even asked if I needed help with this small light box I was carrying. When I asked him how he felt the day after that, he said he does not love me anymore, and only sees me as a friend, whom he is very comfortable with and cares about. Our interaction felt neutral to him, just like another friend passing by. He said that he is lonely but does not miss me particularly. Moreover he said that he has moved on, and I should too. He said he still feels hurt from everything and does not want to be hurt anymore. He even said that he had no intention of me moving in with him at all (I joked about it when we moved things to his place), and that joke was awkward. At my suggestion (after I cried on the phone), we agreed to not contact each other until we have both healed, and he quickly hung up. From everything he has said, is he simply being polite and already indifferent to me, and truly moved on? I am going to spend the NC period finding myself and becoming a better woman, but I am concerned that there isn't any hope left... Thanks for your help..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Natalie,

      From what you said, it seems he isn't indifferent, he has just put up a wall. I think there is hope and it's at least worth giving a shot after no contact is over.

      Reply
    • Natalie

      Thanks Kevin for the reply. I forgot to mention that I'm 28 and he's 30 this year. Also, I will be leaving the country to Asia in maybe 6 or 9 months, and he has brought up the point, 3 weeks before our breakup, that we would not survive the long-distance (which can well be over 2 years, even 5), given how he felt about me, and that he didn't want to be lonely for so long. I don't know if time is on my side, but I will endure it and give it another shot with Ryan's plan after the NC. If any of these extra details may change your analysis, please let me know. In any case, I really appreciated your reply.

      Reply
    • Natalie

      Kevin, I have been wondering. Does the fact that my ex and I agreed not to contact each other change the effectiveness of the no-contact period? It has been a week since our agreement.
      Also, how much of my new life (me learning something new, having fun with friends) should I reveal on social media, without making him feel like I am trying too hard to put up a happy front? Or should I try to keep off social media for now? He recently 'liked' one of my album uploads, but maybe I should not think too much into it? Thanks..

      Reply
    • Natalie

      Sorry I keep leaving comments here, I was reading more of your blogposts and realized I did something really grave when he broke up with me. What if I had verbally abused him (blaming him for not putting in effort, using the F-word, which I never use and he absolutely hates), and then told him to move out the next day? I think he was quite affected by the latter as well, as he did mention at a later conversation that he moved out because I 'chased him out'. (even though he was the one who first came up with the idea when he broke up with me)
      Did I kill my chances of getting him back, and is a 30-day period long enough? This is also considering he had started to feel numb toward me since a few months ago... and 2 weeks of traveling had not made him feel any different toward me after we broke up.
      And during the first week of NC, I was sharing quite a few self-lifting Facebook articles about becoming more positive. Would it appear to him as excessive and a sign of not being able to let go? Maybe I should stop and write it in a private blog instead?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't worry about the FB thing. Even if it's excessive, as long as you are sharing a positive message, it won't do any harm. And whatever damage you did during the breakup, will be forgiven and forgotten with time.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think it will lessen the effectiveness of no contact too much. The main objective of no contact is to concentrate on yourself and make a lot of positive changes in your life, and those changes will still make your ex attracted to you after no contact. As for social media, if you've always shared your life on social media, then it wouldn't seem like you are doing it just to show him. On the other hand, if you weren't always active on facebook, then don't suddenly start posting a happy picture every hour.

      Reply
  • Oscar

    Me and my girlfriend broke up though the phone then , 2 weeks later she texted me saying she wants to meet up we do then she says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants we had sex that night , even tho I cried and panicked do I still have a chance with her , I haven't contacted her since Friday and she told me to wait on her till she makes her mind up she says she misses me and thought about me everyday but that day was the only time she cried because I cried ,do I still have a chance and is blocking her phone number a good strategy intill I'm ready for contact ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think you should block her number. If she calls and you are not ready, then don't pick up. If she keeps on calling, pick up and tell her you need space and time. And yes, I do think you have a pretty good chance.

      Reply
  • Maria

    Hi,
    I need some advice. I dated this guy for about 1 month. On our first outing he told me a lot of personal information and also about how he will be happy when he is dead. Only his mother and sister makes him happy. If he gets married and his wife and children does not want to live with his mother he will divorce his wife and stay with his mom. During our relationship he told me that he loves me, admires me and is happy when he is with me. For the first 2 weeks he was very attentive he would call me and tell me he misses me and wants to hear my voice. We would hang together until 2am and spend time together. I am a teacher and he was a student in my course. (29 years old). While I was his teacher he attended class every single day, however, now that I am no longer his teacher he dropped out. Also he stopped all communication with me and avoids me at all cost. He is always busy. He cancelled four weekends in a row saying he was busy with work. He knows where I work and where I live. He has my number and every time I try to reach out to him but he ignores me. I ask his friends what happened and they told me that he is still in love with is ex girlfriend. The two of them broke up and ever since then he has been depressed and has been drinking and sleeping all the time. I am also a little confused because while he was in my class there was this girl that always sits next to him and he told me that she was like his little sister. She knows all his secrets. He confides in her about everything. The same time he dropped the course, she stopped attending as well. Whenever he leaves early, she would leave with him. Also he told me he did not want me to touch him or kiss him in public (this was after I ask him if he was using me for sex - I am currently working abroad and I told him my contract was coming to an end) yet this girl would throw herself at him and he would laugh it off. He told me he would not touch me to prove to me that he was not after sex which he did successfully. Anyways I sent him a text and told me that I would sign on for another year and get my own apartment. His reply, "do whatever you want, get your own apartment and live alone, it is your life, do what makes you happy, your happiness is important and that was the last I heard from him - This was on March 26th. I don't know if we're over, if he is seeing that girl, if he is afraid I would hurt him like his ex, if he is afraid I would leave him, if he is depressed, if I should follow the no contact rule or if I should just move on...I'm lost and confused and don't know what else to do...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Maria,

      That guy has trouble written all over him. I think you should apply no contact indefinitely. Even if you want to get him back, you should apply no contact for at least 3-4 months.

      Reply
  • Cedric

    Hello there brother Kevin,
    I really need help, I had a girlfriend, we've been together 1yr and 2 months and We know to each other that what we had was real.. She is my first of all first love, first big fight, first sex everything and also she I'm her first in all, We have so many memories.. good and bad. but we broke up. It was 1 and a half year ago... I really regret what bad things that I have done and things that I didn't do for her... and now that I lost her Its killing me.. but last Nov I effortly (our anniversary should) went to the place where we always went and I saw her but She rejected me and I went away while crying coz of pain but when I looked backed I saw her crying too, then last jan. everynight I message her whats going on to me in my life etc until feb nonstop..then One time she replied and I was so happy about that but when I open the message She said that She doesnt want me anymore I should move on because she is moved on already that she is too focus on her parents/family and study.. and replied "why wont you just blocked me here on facebook so You wont receive my messages?" she answered "I just dont like to blocked you" (is that has a beautiful meaning bro kevin?) after that I do what She wants I stopped. I didnt send her any message until now.. But kevin I want you to know that All I need is Her, and I really want to get her back.. (she still has no boyfriend), all of my friend tell me that I should just move on but no one supported Me.. and I made a video for her and she does not know about it.. what should I do? I Hope You'll reply Brother Kevin.. thank you

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Cedric,

      To be honest Cedric, I also think you should move on. If you want to try to get her back, you should follow the 5 step plan and do no contact for another1 months. Then get back in touch with her but this time, approach her as a friend and not a lover. Read the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • LAS

    Hello Kevin,
    So my ex broke up with me six months ago in October, after being together for four years and initially when we broke up he said he didn't know why, but he didn't need a relationship and he'd come back when he was ready. So we agreed to be friends. Then it turned into he needed to focus on school, but I always knew he just wanted to talk to other people. But every time I would say that he would immediately shut it down, he had become really distant though so I knew it had to be someone else and the first few months of the break up he was just mean in general.. from ignoring me, to saying rude things but then when he'd see me he would be extremely sweet.. saying he missed me and that he still believed I was "the one" for him and trying to kiss me saying that, "when we kiss I feel IT, all the love and everything someone would want to feel.. It gives me tingles" and give super long and right hugs and everything so I thought we still might have a chance. And this went on for the first few months of the break up. But then he'd go right back to being distant over texts or on the phone.. So one day, in like January, I was just officially tired and I sent this LONG message just thanking him for the past and teaching me about myself.. basically letting him know I would try to let go. Then he sent a long message in response telling me he'd always love me and that he wanted me in his life and all of this .. Then he confessed that he had kissed someone else but he didn't like her anymore and blah blah and it just really hurt me so I didn't respond.. And we went a few weeks without talking. Then he texted me to say hi and I responded. It was a very short conversation because I was still angry but a few days later I texted him, because I needed to know more information about the girl he kissed being that he was still kissing and sleeping with me. So I asked if I knew her, he said no. And I wanted to know when, he told me it was in 2013 and that made me angry because we had been kissing the whole time and he never said a thing. So I stopped responding again. Then I saw him again in the beginning of March and he was walking me home, and I asked the girls name and he said he had already told me. But I knew he didn't so we went back and forth and I just stopped walking.. So then he said he didn't want me to text her.. So I was saying why would I ? You said I didn't know her.. Then he said you do .. So then turns out it was a really good friend of mines.. And I was just livid, and hurt. I walked away that day and then he texted me a few hours later wanting to talk and apologizing but I didn't really have anything to say to him. But I ended up trying to forgive him like the very next day. And so I guess we were over it but I really wasn't because I just thought it was too soon for him to be doing that and then she was my friend so I was extremely angry at her, well the both of them. Then we kind of didn't talk too much for a week or two until I ran into him at this park near my house which he goes to frequently and I found out that he had moved closer so he was saying I would see him way more and blah blah. So we spent the entire day together, then he came back to my house and we slept together. I regretted it immediately because I knew I shouldn't have done it but I just missed him and I wanted to feel like he still wanted me.. But I honestly don't know if he does but anyways.. After that he basically pretended like nothing happened we started seeing each other more because he lives really close and he's always affectionate but when we're not together it's just like friends. But then a few days ago I talked to the girl that he kissed and she just told me EVERYTHING. Like she said he really wanted to be with her and he was trying to sleep with her and this other girl and he tells everyone he doesn't mess with me, saying that he wasn't in love with me he just has love for me and he was talking bad about me and everything. But when I asked him he denied some parts and confirmed others. And I still just haven't gotten over that. But we're still in communication because I found out that I'm pregnant. Now I just don't know what to do, I'm not sure if he's moving on or if he intends on coming back or if he's even worth waiting for. I don't think he is, because he's not what I want. He's just WHO I want. It's just hard because he's the only person I see a future with.. And I'm still in love with him. But I don't want a relationship with him because I don't trust him. I don't know if we can be best friends or if that's just some intangible desire that I have.. I just really need help. Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'm a little confused. How can you see a future with someone you don't trust? Don't you see yourself in a healthy, trusting, and meaningful relationship in the future? I think you should do no contact for at least three months and think things through.

      Reply
  • Renee

    Hi Kevin,
    I was casually involved with someone I've known my whole life for about a year. We became involved right after one of his parent's passed away. After a year of confusing emotions I decided to walk away, because I wanted a commitment. Countless times, this guy has told me that he wants to be "casual" with me forever but if I found someone such as a particular ex then so be it. The last conversation we had was a heated argument where both parties said they were done. We didn't speak for about 4 months after that. However, I've seen him off and on at family functions but we never have words to say to one another. Recently, at my father's birthday party, he came and the particular ex was there as well. He showed no signs of annoyance but became very boisterous asking me to do certain things for him such as fix him a drink and a plate. The particular ex left after feeling uncomfortable, and so I tended to my friends who were there as well. However, my ex lover stayed near the whole evening seemingly watching T.V. He would walk past me and touch my arm and when he left he hugged me tightly and called me a sentimental nickname that I've never heard before. All of this behavior was a bit odd being how we ended the relationship. So after he leaves my cousin tells me that he asked her for her number. Clearly, after the nature of our relationship I at least thought he wouldn't try to hook up with a member of my family out of respect, especially knowing me and her are close. I'm all confused by his behavior, because when I tried to reach out to address the issue, he said he was "fine". Any thoughts to this confusing behavior??

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There is a chance he asked for her number to test the waters or just to make you jealous. Or it could be the obvious possibility that he is a jerk and you should stay away from him.

      Reply
  • Peter

    Hey Kevin,
    Me and my Girlfriend broke up over a week now, and i was missing her and called her, but she told me she was feeling something else for another person, and now she is walking with him all over school, so im starting the NC rule, i dont know what to do, because i really lover her, and she just left me like that, we had 2 years together, what can i do about it?

    Reply
  • maurice

    Hey kevin help me here my sons mother broke up wit me out of nowhere saying that she just want to be friends but I ask her if she talking to somebody else and she tell me not doing nothing wit nobody I ask her if I did something wrong she tell me no I didn't do nothing at all but she's got some personall issues going on wit her life but it went from a million a texts a day until barely speaking at all so I let her have her space I haven't really been talking to her like that but I call or txt to check on my son thatz it so rite now I'm doing the no contact thing rite now so what i should do give her some more time and give her space do u think i have a good chance getting back bcuz i really love her and care about her as well but rite now I'm giving her space but I'm not acting needy and she pushing me away as well but I'm trying b in her corner but she's pushing me away so do u think i have a chance of getting her back plz give some advice kevin what should I do

    Reply
  • David

    Hi Kevin
    Im a 48 yr old male and have in the last 3 weeks broken up with my live in girlfriend of 3 years. she is 44 and has a girl 17 and boy 14

    the reason she has given is
    1. the hatred her daughter has for me
    2.the kids miss their old home
    3.im too clean and tidy and my home is too new and modern
    4.we have different lifestyles ..she is a drinker very very social..im not a drinker and very quiet

    the problem with the daughter is what caused her to move out but we had agreed to continue relationship but after returning to her place for a week she decided to break up becasue she and the kids felt happier and she did not miss me as much as she thought she would..she never said she didnt love me and she only said she did at one time..she did say during that first week she misses me..
    after the breakup was official i applied the no contact rule and its now been 3 weeks and there has been no contact at all through any media.

    your quizz says i have 70% chance but have i really since the daughter is the primary reason for the split and she has hated me from day 1.

    thanks
    David

    Reply
  • Zee

    My boyfriend broke up with me in December, together for three years. We talked on a regular, friendly basis and he would flirt and hint at getting back together. He shortly got a girlfriend after and told me he didn't want to talk to me. I started NC in mid February and in March he texted me asking me how I was doing and I gave a curt "fine". April was his bday (which I ignored) and my bday came a week later, where he wished me happy bday.
    Anyways, yesterday I found some watches that he left behind. I texted asking him if he wanted to get them or if I should sell. He wants the watches, but ignores me when I ask when I can drop them off and get some of my stuff (money) He did however, send me a text that was meant for his girlfriend today.
    Is it best to resume NC? I don't understand if he wants his stuff back why wouldn't he just come and take it.

    Reply
    • Bryan

      My Advise,

      I had a ex leave her stuff at my house for a good 9 months. Said she would come and get it she texted me randomly on and off. Finally after dating someone else I told her I was throwing it to the curb and did it. She was pissed but guess what I felt better.
      My advice Don't BS around. I know your being nice but the next text should be come get it by this time and then commit to getting rid of it. If he didn't show. It's his loss.
      Unfortunately people take advantage of kind people. Stop being nice he isn't being nice to you. Then resume no contact.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, resume no contact. If he wants it, he can contact you.

      Reply
  • Monika

    Hey Kevin,

    I broke up with my bfr 4 months ago, after we were together for 2 years and we really loved each other. Actually, we had a serious fight (over e girl that was hitting on him for months and obviously I felt jealous) and i left him, but we kept in touch and he said he was hurt and upset of me leaving him. So we did not meet for 2 weeks and when we met again to talk he wanted to break up because he did not see point in our relationship and I was making him cry. After this, he called me and texted me several times while drunk, and the next day was distant again. He just needed to share something important with me, because I was his closest person... Now, I know from mutual friends that my ex started sleeping with the same girl couple of days after our break up...and they are together most of the time (because they work together too).
    So, we haven't spoken for 2 months now, I feel happier and try to keep on living, but I am not ready to move on and no guy interests me because I'm still in love with my ex.
    What should I do in this case?
    Thanks :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you are ready to move on, you should not look back. Look for resources on getting over an ex on the internet. You will eventually get over him and meet someone new you are interested in. Continue no contact indefinitely.

      Reply
  • jaime

    Together for 5 years broke up a year ago. We have talk basically everyday since he has had another girlfriend that he had broken up with because he said he still thought of me. He now says he is not right within himself and has to work on him first, will the no contact rule after a year still work

    Reply
  • herb

    KEVIN PLEASE HELP MAN after dating for 4 months my gf dumped me over christmas. when we got back to school we said to remain just friends and that was fine. i did no contact but would reply and just say im busy studying and exercise. after many arguments and cutting contact completely almost a month, she eventually contacted me for sex. then the sex continued but she started to treat me