At one of the most obsessive moments in my life, when I wanted my ex to come back, I would keep a detailed log of when she was online on her socials. The log was just in my mind. But I would remember when she was online and for how long.
If she was online too much, I would try to infer it as a sign that she may be looking at my profile and missing me. But then, a thought would pop up in my mind that maybe she is just talking to another guy.
If she would look at my stories, I would convince myself that she still cares about me and will eventually return. If she wouldn’t do it immediately, my mind would spiral thinking she no longer cares.
This is what looking for signs of an ex coming back feels like. If you are not mindful, anything can feel like a sign they will come back. Heck if the radio would play the song that played on our first date, I would think of it as a sign from the universe that she would come back.
But the truth is, these signs don’t really matter that much. Because even though my ex came back, it was still an unhealthy relationship. There was love between us. But it was also accompanied by insecurity, emotional immaturity, low self-esteem, unhealthy codependency and bad communication.
It ended because we repeated the same patterns again, albeit with a lot more intensity and spent a lot of time in an unhealthy relationship.
If I could, I would genuinely go back in time and tell myself to stop looking for this sign, assume your ex will not come back and focus on healing and building up my self-esteem. Because that’s one of the biggest things that leads to a healthy relationship.
How To Know Your Ex Will Come Back and You Will Get Back Together?
The most obvious sign that your ex will come back is when they actually make an effort to talk to you and show actual interest. Things like –
- Reaching out and having meaningful conversations
- Being there for you when you need them (even though they don’t have to)
- They go out on dates with you
- They show genuine remorse for what happened and apologize
- They talk about a future with you
But these signs don’t always lead to a healthy relationship. These signs just show that they have feelings for you, are attracted to you and maybe even love you. But love doesn’t always lead to a healthy relationship. Love can bring two ex lovers together, but it can’t keep them together.
What actually leads to a healthy relationship are signs like –
- They work on the issues that lead to the breakup. (such as their attachment style or communication patterns)
- They treat you with respect even after the breakup.
- They are consistent in their actions. Not always hot and cold.
- They do what they say and say what they do. Their actions are coherent with their words.
- They take accountability.
- They understand trust takes time to rebuild, show emotional maturity and don’t rush reconciliation.
- They understand that it takes two people to make a relationship work. It’s not 50/50. It needs to be a 100/100.
And if you are wondering, can exes actually change like that? Do such reconciliations even happen?
Then the answer is yes, it does happen. Around 30% of exes come back, according to my study of 3.5k participants. But only about 15% of couples get back together and stay together in healthy relationships. Note that many exes who come back in a healthy relationship did not exhibit any of those signs that people generally look for (such as liking social media posts, jealousy, reaching out first etc.).
And most dumpees whose exes came back to be in a healthy relationship actually focused on healing instead of waiting for their ex and obsessing over the signs. In essence, most people who wanted their ex back and got them back in a healthy relationship followed our 5 step plan to get an ex back.
You can even read stories of 67 people who wanted their ex back at some point in the past 12 years and updates from them years later, in the comment section of the 5 step plan.. Out of those 67 people, 19% got back together and are still together. Most of them married with children.
So again, your best bet is to focus on yourself and understand yourself, instead of obsessing over these signs, overthinking and subconsciously sabotaging yourself.
Find out your chances of your ex coming back and creating a healthy relationship with you by taking my quiz.
Let’s unpack some of these signs –
1. Reaching out and Meaningful Conversations
Your ex reaching out to you is usually a good sign. But not always. In one of my analyses, I found around 60% of dumpers reach out after a breakup. But only about 30% of people get back together. In addition, a lot of times, the dumper reaches out and people end up getting back together.
What’s more important than “who reaches out first” is whether or not both of you can have a meaningful conversation after you reconnect.
Because a meaningful conversation shows maturity. Something that is badly needed in a healthy relationship.
One of my client’s ex reached out with a simple, “How how are you? You looked happy today.” after seeing her in college campus.
She replied, “I am happy” and that was it. Perhaps, he was just fishing for some information from her. Or perhaps he was hoping that she would confess her love to him.
But the fact is, him reaching out was not a good sign that he is ready to come back in a healthy relationship. This particular ex left because he was overwhelmed with work and stress and he wanted to avoid anything serious. So if he were to come back, there is still no guarantee he is now equipped to handle the work stress and put in the effort needed to make a relationship work.
When I followed up with my client after months, she told me that her ex got into another relationship a few weeks after that text. She was glad that she didn’t confess her love for him because she now understood that her ex was immature and will likely repeat the same pattern with his new girlfriend.
2. Being there for you when you need them
Exes who are there for each other during difficult times don’t always lead to reconciliation. But it does show that they both have respect for each other and rely on each other in times of need.
In most cases, it’s always best to minimize contact with an ex, but if you are still in touch with your ex and there are logistics which make you rely on them, then your ex consistently showing up means they respect you. And that respect sometimes leads to reconciliation.
However, this does not always happen. Some exes are just being courteous. So keep your hopes in check and don’t use this as an excuse to get back in touch with them.
3. They work on issues that lead to the breakup
According to Dr. Judith Kuriansky, PhD on BBC, one of the most common reasons exes get back together is “feeling like they’ve grown and matured.”
We agree because we conducted a study and found the same thing. In the study done by Ex Back Permanently on couples getting back together (and staying together), we found that “Self-Improvement” is what helps the most in getting back with an ex and staying together for good.
If you understand the root cause of the breakup and you know how to fix that root cause, then there is a good chance your ex will come back. It’s important that you take action towards fixing that root cause of the breakup.
The same goes for your ex, if they work on the issues that lead to the breakup and work on those issues, there is a good chance that they will come back and it will lead to a healthy relationship.
Note that just because someone is saying that they are working on themselves doesn’t mean they actually are. A lot of people claim to work on themselves only to go on and doom scroll TikTok and Instagram.
Working on yourself means getting therapy, understanding your communication patterns, adopting a growth mindset, understanding your attachment style and actually doing the hard work.
If your ex does this, there is a chance they will come back and you will both get back together in a healthy relationship.
4. They are trying to numb the pain
On the other hand, some exes try to numb the pain by indulging in substance abuse, monkey branching or getting into a rebound relationship too fast.
In all these cases, they are trying to run away from the pain. Which means they are not actually healing from the breakup and accepting it.
A lot of times, such exes come back when the rebound relationship ends, when there is no one else to monkey branch to, or when it feels impossible to numb down the pain.
But, as you may have guessed, this does not always lead to a healthy relationship. Because they have not healed or matured at all. And they are likely to repeat the same patterns again.
5. It feels like they are relieved and happy immediately after the breakup
For a lot of people with an avoidant attachment style, breakup grief does not hit immediately. They tend to act unfazed after the breakup and it seems like they are genuinely happy.
Now, this may feel weird to hear, but this is very normal and a lot of people who exhibit this behavior tend to come back later.
Avoidant people value their freedom a lot but they also crave emotional attachment and intimacy. When they finally regain their freedom after feeling trapped, they feel relieved. But once that novelty wears off, they again crave the emotional attachment, and the breakup grief hits them.
There has been a lot of scientific study about it that you can read in books such as Attached By Amir Levine.
But the fact is, just because they come back doesn’t mean it will lead to a healthy relationship. The only way it can work with them is if they become aware of their avoidant patterns and work on it.
6. Social Media Activity Shows Interest In You
Your ex liking your posts or reels on social media may feel like a sign that they still love you or want to come back. But in reality, it could mean absolutely nothing.
A lot of exes stalk each other on social media. And it may just be because of curiosity. Yes, some exes do it because they miss you and are thinking about coming back.
But the truth is, “thinking about coming back” is not the same as actually doing the work to fix what was broken in the relationship. Thinking about coming back does not mean they can take responsibility for what was broken and grow as a person.
Remember, your aim should be a healthy relationship. So while your ex liking your social media post may give you an ego boost for the time being, your long term goal should still be a healthy relationship if your ex does come back.
7. They Reach Out Regularly and Consistently
As opposed to reaching out just once, if your ex reaches out continuously every few days, it’s a good sign that they want to come back and try to make it work.
Even if they are not really having meaningful conversations, it could be that they are just confused and in a lot of pain to actually talk about the things that matter.
For example, one ex would reach out to my client every 3-4 days with a simple, “how are you?” or “I miss you.” But he would never talk further. My client did not really push further because she thought he needed space. She would just reciprocate with the same energy that he would reach out with.
The conversation was always short, never leading anywhere. However, he was very consistent in reaching out every 3-4 days. And it showed he still cared.
Eventually, when my client felt she was in a good mental space, she asked him to meetup. He agreed and they both talked about the things that broke them apart and decided to try again.
8. They Talk About a Future With You In It
A lot of exes tend to talk about a future with you in it or alluding to a future with you. They say stuff like “maybe one day things will be different.” or ““If the timing had been better, we would’ve worked.”
While that may seem like a great sign that they want you back, it’s more of an attempt to keep you hooked on them while they explore their options.
In my experience, exes who say this don’t always have the best intentions at heart. They give you hope of a future reconciliation while breaking up in the present. And our hearts and minds love to hold on to that hope when we already imagined a future with this person.
In my experience, this is only a good sign if your ex follows up with actions. For example, if your ex says, “Maybe in the future, when I am more financially stable” and then they work their ass off to become financially stable.
Or, “I hope we can get back together in the future when I am more open to being in a relationship” and then they work on their attachment style and issues that are stopping them from being in a relationship.
If not, then it’s most likely just false hope and you should not let it get to you.
9. Your ex is jealous of you moving on or dating someone else
If your ex seems jealous that you are moving on in your life, being happy or are dating someone else; then it’s a sign that they still have feelings for you. It’s very natural to feel jealous when an ex starts dating someone else.
But, it’s not necessarily a good sign that your ex will come back or that they will want to commit to a healthy relationship with you.
Jealousy is a natural reaction that almost everyone has.
A healthy reconciliation requires mindful effort to fix the issues, grow as a person and communicate.
While jealousy can inspire them to get themselves together and make an effort to become a better person; I won’t count on it and I certainly do not recommend anyone to try to use jealousy to get their ex back. Because more often than not, it backfires.
10. Your ex actually talks about the issues that lead to the breakup
If your ex actually talks about the issues that lead to the breakup, it’s one of the best signs that you will both get back together in a healthy relationship.
Such a conversation shows maturity, a willingness to be a better person, and accountability. These are all great signs of someone who is ready to be in a healthy relationship. And in my experience, a lot of exes get back together in a healthy relationship after such conversations.
Of course, there are always issues that can not be resolved and situations that can not be salvaged, even if both people are willing to communicate. But even in such situations, having a conversation like that usually provides a lot of clarity and closure to people.
Notice, I said talk about the relationship. Not blame. After a breakup, exes always talk about what went wrong try to blame each other for relationship failure. You can understand the difference between someone genuinely wanting to figure out what went wrong so they can improve their future relationships and someone who just wants to blame their ex just to make themselves feel better.
If your ex wants to talk about what went wrong in the relationship, be sincere. But make sure you don’t cross the line into blaming. Use your words carefully and do not talk about their personality. It’s very easy to start talking about other people’s fault during such conversations. Refrain from doing so. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, try to end it immediately on a positive note. If you two had communication problems before, it’s a great time to show them that you can talk to each other about relationship problems without getting into an argument.
11. The chemistry is still there when you and your ex reconnect
Some relationships truly feel special. A lot of my clients call their ex a soul mate or a twin flame. They feel their ex really was special to them and vice versa. But, unfortunately, life, childhood trauma, attachment style issues, bad communication and lack of self awareness comes in between them. As a result, a breakup happens leaving both parties in shambles.
But when such people reconnect, they usually find that the chemistry that they shared is still there. For example, one of my clients got broken up with because circumstances, long distance, and family pressure came between them. Her ex had avoidant tendencies so he just shut down instead of communicating his needs and broke up with her.
Like a lot of avoidant people, he went from “seeing a great potential in the relationship” to “not seeing a future with her”. She was devastated. But when he visited her hometown on a trip, they met, and they found that the chemistry, the spark between them was still there. They both could open up and share things with each other without any hesitation. And they decided to get back together.
But, the truth is, chemistry and connection often isn’t enough to sustain and maintain a relationship. You also need to communicate and have the willingness to grow as a person and fix the issues that lead to the breakup.
In my client’s case, they tried their best to make the relationship work, but her ex still had those avoidant tendencies and the circumstances were still against them. As a result, they ended up in another breakup after a year and a half.
So while having a strong chemistry is a great sign that your ex will come back and want to get back together, it’s not enough to sustain a healthy relationship long term.
Other Signs That Your Ex Might Come Back –
Here are a few other signs that usually mean your ex will come back. But note that these signs don’t necessarily mean that it will be a healthy relationship –
- An On/OFF Relationship pattern – If it happened before, there is a good chance it will happen again. But there is also a good chance another breakup will happen down the line.
- Breaking up in the heat of the moment – If your ex broke up in the heat of the moment, they may come back when things calm down. But it’s not a good sign that they can’t communicate and break up out of anger.
- Seeing if the grass is greener – If your ex breaks up to see what else is out there, there is a good chance they will come back realizing the grass isn’t greener. Especially if you were good to them. But you may always have trust issues with them unless they own up to their mistakes and truly commit.
- Rebound Relationships – Exes who get into a rebound relationship too fast after a breakup tend to come back a lot. But this often is accompanied by a lack of maturity and inability to grow as a person, often leading to another breakup. Of course, there are always exceptions.
- Stress Related Breakups – Exes who break up because of work stress or any other type of stress tend to come back when the circumstances change. But they may repeat the same patterns again when a different stress comes in their lives. If you choose to take them back, talk honestly about this pattern, set clear boundaries and express your need for security in a relationship.
- Your Ex Talks About Good Memories – It’s a good sign if they are remembering the good memories. But it doesn’t guarantee a reconciliation.
I highly recommend you read the 5 step plan to get your ex back or this guide on getting your ex girlfriend back with objectives (it’s free) if you haven’t already done so. It will tell you step-by-step what to do get your ex back and keep them permanently.
Are There Signs That Your Ex Wants You Back But Won’t Admit it?
Yes, in certain situations, your ex may want you back but is afraid to admit it. These signs are similar to the signs I listed out above.
If they have been showing these signs for a long time (more than two weeks) and they have not yet spoken to you about getting back together, it could mean they are scared to admit it.
- Contacting you more frequently than before. (for more than two weeks)
- Wanting to meetup more often. (for more than three times)
- Talking about the future with you in it. (almost every time you talk)
- Talking about how they have changed or about how you have changed. (at least once)
If you feel that your ex wants you back but are afraid to admit it, try to think about the reasons why they don’t want to admit it and address those reasons. These reasons could include,
1. Being afraid of repeating the same patterns as before. A lot of people get back together and breakup again because relationships patterns remain the same as before. If your ex is afraid to admit it, then they may be afraid of repeating the same patterns as before. Speaking about the past issues and how you can resolve it can help them get over this fear.
2. Not trusting you to make the changes you promised. Sometimes, your ex wants to believe you that things will be different. If you feel this is the case, then you should focus on being consistent and continue working on yourself.
3. They just need more time. Your ex may process the breakup and everything that happened at a different pace than you. They may want you back right now but they may feel that they need more time to understand if getting back together is a healthy decision for them. If this is the case, speak to them about it honestly and respect their decision to take some more time. If they decide not to get back together, respect that decision too. Respecting other people’s decisions is cool. Always respect your ex’s choices, their time and their decisions.
Is it a good sign if my ex is pretending to be over me?
Your ex pretending to be over you is not necessarily correlate to your ex wanting you back. If your ex is pretending to be over you, they may do things like,
- Act as if the breakup did not affect them at all.
- Find excuses to be in your life but keep reassuring you that they don’t want to get back together.
- Get offended when you confront them about pretending.
- You can feel something is off in the way they act and behave.
While these signs do indicate that your ex has feelings for you, they also show that your ex is not ready to get back together in an honest and healthy relationship based on good communication.
Signs Are Not a Reliable Indicator of What Will Happen In The Future
Like I said at the starting of the article, signs can be confusing. Somethings may seem like a great sign but it may turn out to be nothing. On the other hand, something may seem like a very bad sign but your ex may just come back.
As a breakup coach and expert in the field of reconciliation, I have seen thousands of cases and have interpreted signs at the request of my clients. And in my experience, signs can only give you a hint and they can be wildly inaccurate at times.
For example, one of my clients, Jean (F24), was in a relationship with an older woman, Mary (F 33). When they broke up, Jean was devastated and begged for her ex to take her back. But Mary cut her off completely. She didn’t even contact her once. Jean, on the other hand, was calling her 50 times a day to get a response from her.
Eventually, Jean decided to do no contact and focus on healing from the breakup. And within a week, Mary came back to her. She said she missed her and wanted to get back together. Mary shared that she left because she felt the age gap would be a major obstacle but she couldn’t live without Jean and decided to give it another shot.
So even though Jean thought there are absolutely no signs of Mary wanting her back, Mary came back.
On the other end of the spectrum, my client, Randy (M28) got a lot of positive signs from his ex (Fauzana F26). She would contact him almost every other day. She would even talk about what went wrong in the relationship and how they can get back together in the future. Sometimes, they would end up talking on the phone for hours. She even confessed her love to Randy in an emotional moment.
Randy was very hopeful they would get back. But whenever he asked to meet her, she would always end up with an excuse and postpone the meeting. Eventually, when she they agreed to meet up, she told him that she is dating someone else. And that he should stop contacting her.
Talk about being blindsided.
Turns out, she was just evaluating her options and she was also speaking to the other guy for hours. Technically, she didn’t really cheat on him. But boy did it feel like a punch in the gut.
Had he been a little more cautious in interpreting the signs, he would have been skeptical about the whole thing and it would have been easier for him to move on from Fauzana.
What Next?
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