He has moved on to a new girlfriend. And you feel like you’d do anything to get your ex boyfriend back. After all, you are still madly in love with him. It can be a gut wrenching feeling to think about your ex boyfriend (who you still love with all your heart) in someone else’s arm. The idea that you might have lost him forever can be heart breaking.

"I don't know what he sees in that witch." - Jealous Ex Girlfriends All Over The World

“I don’t know what he sees in that witch.” – Jealous Ex Girlfriends All Over The World

Fortunately, you can still give it another try before completely giving up hope. Just because he has another girlfriend doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t win him over.

A Complete Guide

Before we begin, did you read my step by step guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back? If not, click here to read it now. It’s the most comprehensive guide you will find on the internet and it’s free. So go read that guide first and then come back to this page for advice pertaining to your situation.

(Note: Read this article if you are a guy looking to get his ex girlfriend back when she is dating someone else and this article for a comprehensive guide on winning ex girlfriend back.)

What we will talk about in this article.

Here are the things I’ll cover in this article.

  • What to do if it is a rebound relationship?
  • What to do if it’s not a rebound relationship and he has moved on?
  • Tactics to win him back from his new girlfriend
  • How to make him meet you.
  • What if his new girlfriend doesn’t let him talk to you?
  • How to make him leave his new girlfriend.

Is it a Rebound Relationship?

For all we know, your boyfriend might have jumped into a new relationship before moving on. This new relationship could actually be just a rebound. As you might have heard before, rebound relationships usually end as quickly as they begin. In fact, statistics show that 90% of the rebound relationship end in a breakuprebound.

If this is the case, then you will have to let his rebound relationship run its course. He will soon realize that this relationship is not going to fill the hole that he is feeling in his life and end it. If you try to interfere or try to convince him to breakup, then you are only going to make him want to stay in the relationship. All you have to do is follow the 5 Step Plan to get your ex back and you will most probably have him back in your arms.

Has he Really Moved On?

Perhaps it’s been a long time after the breakup and perhaps he is already over the breakup and has moved on. Perhaps his new girlfriend is not just a rebound but someone serious. Perhaps, he is really interested in his new girlfriend and he really wants his new relationship to work.

not_moved_onIf that’s the case, then I’ve got to ask you something. Why haven’t you moved on till now? What has been stopping you from moving on? Is it the fact that you still love your ex boyfriend? Have you even made any effort to move on?

Listen, there is still a chance to get him back. And that involves following the 5 step plan listed here with a few adjustments that I mention below. But the real question is, do you really want to sabotage his new relationship so you could give it another try? Do you really think that he will be happier with you than he is with his new girlfriend? If so, then read ahead.

How To Get Him Back From His New Girlfriend

Now, if he has a new girlfriend, and it’s not a rebound, then you have some serious trouble. Before we begin, I must warn you that your chances are very less and you should know that you might end up hurting yourself more.

The first thing that you need to do is stop contact with him. That’s right. I know it’s a little counter intuitive but it’s for the best. Yes, there is a chance that he might forget about you, but it’s a chance you have to take. Especially if you have been trying to contact him for a while. (Read Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back).

After you’ve been in no contact for a while, it’s time to contact him again. However, you must know the timing has to be just right. If he stays in the relationship with his new girlfriend (who is not a rebound) for a long time, he will get more invested in that relationship and he will be less likely to come back to you. You will have to hit the sweet spot when it comes to timing. You have to give him just enough time to miss you, but not enough to completely forget about you.

How To Contact Him?

Text messages. I do recommend a letter in the 5 step plan, but if you are trying to get him back from his new girlfriend, text messages are the way to go (Read this article for a more detailed guide on texting your ex). The reason is simple, text messages are private and she is less likely to find out about them. Even if she does, she is breaching his privacy, which means less attraction points for her.

Remember, to build attraction slowly using text messages, as mentioned in this guide. Do not be direct with your intentions.

What if she does not let him talk or message you?

If your ex’s new girlfriend does not let him stay in contact with  you, and your ex boyfriend is agreeing to her, then this means that he has completely moved on and is heavily invested in his new girlfriend. Guys don’t usually let their girlfriends tell them who to contact unless they are serious about the relationship. (Note: If your ex boyfriend is refusing to talk to you read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Won’t Talk To You?)

At this point, there is nothing you can do. The more you try to contact him, the crazier you will look to him. The best thing to do in this case scenario is to move on. I am sorry to say this, but you really have no chance of getting him back unless they both breakup. You can sit and pray that they’d break up, but I wouldn’t count on that. It will be better to just cut your losses and try to move on.

How To Make Him Meet You?

Once you have established good communication with him via text messages and established that you are no longer a needy and clingy person, you should try to set up a meet. Again, don’t call it a date. Just keep it short and simple (as mentioned in the 5 step plan).

How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Breakup With His New Girlfriend

Unfortunately, you can’t make him breakup with his new girlfriend. It has to be his decision. Once you have gone out with him a few times, and he has seen the new and improved you, he will himself start wondering whether he should give it another go with you. This is assuming that you followed the step 3 in the 5 step plan(the no contact rule and working on yourself).

If you are confident enough, you can bring up the topic of getting back together yourself. However, make sure you don’t sleep with him unless he commits. You might have to ask him to choose between you and the new girl. Let him know that you can’t be friends with him and if he chooses her, then you can’t see him again. And you should stick to your words. If he does choose her, you should move on and remove him from your life completely. It might be the hardest thing you ever have to do but it’s the right thing for you. Remember, this whole thing was to just try getting him back one more time. If it didn’t work, you have to accept your loss and move on.

On the other hand, if he does choose you, then you should understand that the reason he chose you is because of the new and improved you. He chose the girl who is confident, happy, and secure. So if you want to keep him, you better keep those attributes as well.

By now, you should have a pretty good idea about what to do and how to get your ex boyfriend back. Again, if you haven’t read the 5 step plan to get your ex back, click here to read it now. It’s the most popular article on this website and I have seen this plan work time and time again. If you’ve already read it, here are a few more articles that I highly recommend you read.

Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back

The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It

Should You Get Your Ex Back?

And if you have any questions or would like to share your story, please post a comment. We are active on this website and I’ll probably reply to you within 24 hours.

 

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495 comments ...add one

  • Emma

    Hi, My ex and I dated for half a year and broke about 6 months ago. We were seeing each other as friends once a month and were regularly texting. I haven’t pleaded or begged, but accepted the break up and went into no contact after the break up and he reached out so we could talk again. Last time I saw him was in August, after that, I’ve done no contact for a month and contacted him last week. However, it’s been a month that he has a new girlfriend and since then he doesn’t initiate conversations anymore, but answers my texts when I text him and seems happy to talk as he asks questions... I feel like I may be friendzones or maybe he’s just being polite when answering my texts, how do I get him back from his new girlfriend?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The best thing you can do right now is to build a positive connection with him once again, keeping things casual and light-hearted. These things would help remind him of the feelings he may still have for you and to perhaps change his decision in wanting you back. However, this decision is ultimately something he has to make himself and you can't force him to decide. It would be good if you could remain patient and not harbor unnecessary expectations which could lead to you acting out when things don't go according to plan. Keep an open mind and remain confident that the bond you shared with him would be stronger than the one he has with his new girlfriend.

      Reply
  • Imogen

    My ex and I broke up after 2 years after we became long distance after living together for a year. He was devastated when we broke up and said that in a year and a half when we could be together again we could be perfect again. 5 weeks later he met a new girl and started seeing each other straight away and she flew back to australia a week after they met. they've now been in a long term relationship for 9 months (we broke up 10 months ago) but i saw him 2 days ago for the first time since we broke up. we hugged at the end and finally ended on good terms after having a huge fight the last time we spoke because i found out about him and this newgirl. seeing him again has made me realise i want him back and im willing to do whatever it takes. ive changed a lot since we broke up, fixing my mental health issues i suffered whilst i was with my ex. im now happ and that person he always wanted and deserves. how do i show him that we deserve another chance. he was so madly in love with me and i know we can be happy again but im unsure how to go about getting back into his life. please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start by building up a connection again and breaking the ice with light hearted topics. Avoid talking about getting back together for now, since he has to be the one to feel that way and want to voluntarily end things with his girlfriend to be with you. Otherwise you’ll only come across as the bad person. Show him these changes you’ve made with your actions and in the conversations to get him to realize that he still may have feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Audrea

    Hi...
    My ex and i have been apart for two years. He recently apologized for the break up and we are now on talking terms. He hasn't really asked that we begin a new relationship but he uses words of endearments whenever we are texting. He says he's still single but has a daughter with another lady. I still love him and want us to give it another try. I'd love to know your advice.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with the conversation and since he seems to be the one reaching out, allow him to take charge and see where its headed. You can decide again when you know more about his intentions.

      Reply
  • jeremy

    Long story short.

    Went through the no contact, it was hell.
    Met up with her at a local bar on the weekend, and everything went smooth, she was really into me still.
    2 days later, we Ended up having good conversation, deep conversation like we used to have when we were dating. I laid it all out on the line, Opened up completely. Put myeslf out there

    Through the "Relationship with me" card out. She considered it, with a few buts... But then I pushed. she considered, I rebutted her excuse. this happened 3-4 times.
    She finally lost it, brought up the reason for the breakup, in a very harsh way, and I called her on it.

    She broke got angry, referred to the reason for breakup again. Was angry and upset Becuase she had put all this stuff behind her and was happy again, but now was pissed off for having dredged it all back up again *sigh*

    She's determined now to not change her mind about getting back together, and is firm in her place!

    Do i have ANY fucking hope left?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Back down from pressuring her to get back together with you. The fact that she considered it was a good thing but the pushing probably threw her consideration out the window. You're going to have to work at her pace if you want to win her back and keep in mind that it's not something that logic can win. Right now, your chances are slim but if you give her some space before easing back into talking to her, with no pressure or pushiness to make any decision, you might still have a chance to win her over.

      Reply
  • Crystal

    My ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 8 months ago. The break was kind of sudden. We argued a lot and one day he just turned cold on me. He blame the whole break up on me but personal it was both parties fault. After the break up we still had occasional sex. He then got a girlfriend and moved in with her and her son a month after us having occasional sex. He said he can never see us being together again. That I ruin the relationship. I still love him and want to be with him. I beg him all the time to be back with him and tell him how much I love him. I even tried no contact. He said he don’t mind being my friend but it can’t be nothing more. How do I get over him when I still love him? Should I be his friend even though we both know I secretly want more? What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Avoid begging anymore in the future as this paints a weak image of you where he might not feel as inclined to choose you over the perceived neediness and desperation you portray by begging. If you have strong feelings for him and think that it isn't controllable, being friends right now isn't a good idea as you risk doing something reckless due to your emotions that pushes him even further away.

      Reply
  • Alba

    This is my situation explained as simple as I can:
    I am 43, my ex husband is 44. We have 3 kids all over the age of 18. We were married for 22 years. I left him in Sept 2017, had an emotional relationship with someone, went out, drank, partied and all this time I was being watched and had pictures taken...I didn't deny anything. My ex reached to me for 5 months for me to come back but I refused, I was in a bad place in my head and wasn't a very good person. He filed for divorce and we have been divorced 4 months now. Since February I have been begging him to give me another chance that I am a much better person, have asked for forgiveness and I truly feel that our relationship could be so much stronger...all he can say and has repeatedly is that I need time to heal. That he is numb and very angry. He has this "girl" friend that he has become very close to. He says she is just a good friend, when they get together they just talk to help each other out. I decided last night that I will not be contacting him for a long time now. Unless of course it pertains to the kids. Although I know what I did broke his heart into pieces and although I know that what I did to our marriage caused the divorce, I know I can make him happy again. I am not sure how to handle our situation and not push him away. I am beside myself. And very much heartbroken.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No contact at this point would probably be appropriate for some time at least to let both parties clear their head. If you want to reach out to him down the road, avoid begging him to take you back, ease into things and show him with your actions the changes you've made and give him a reason to want the relationship back.

      Reply
  • Lynn

    My ex broke up with me a week and half ago. He has started dating some one else. We have a two year old son together and I’m currently pregnant what do I do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space for now, and focus on picking yourself up from the breakup, emotionally and mentally, especially with the pregnancy on the way. If you push too hard for him to come back right now, things may end up backfiring and he distances himself further away from you.

      Reply
  • Jennifer

    Hi
    I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and we have children together. For our last year or so together we fought a lot and I think I must have had some mental issues because I don’t recognise the person I became. I hated him and he knew it. I left him when he started seeking attention from other women. We were both in a bad way for a long time and I held on to so much resentment. We tried getting back together a few times but the resentment from the past caused fights and break ups. I left him over 3 year ago. Over the past year he has been trying to win me back over but I kept pushing him away. It was only the last couple of month that I began to feel like my old self again, realised what I’d been doing and realised that I wanted to start afresh with him. Unfortunately he met someone new this past month and has started dating her. He told me he will always love me as the mother of his children but felt he needed to move on. He said this before he started dating this new woman but he had been chatting to her. I don’t think it’s my ego because I asked him about trying again before I knew about her. Do I have any chance of getting back together with him? I did move on shortly after I broke up with him but it was a rebound and it hurt him a lot. I haven’t felt ready for anyone else since then. I really feel like we could make it work but I don’t know how I can persuade him to try.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space to let things in run it’s course for now, especially if he feels that dating someone new might give him a fresh breath of air (given everything that both of you went through). If the relationship was meaningful enough, which based on what you said, seems to be the case, he might come to the same realization as you after some time and decide to want to try things again. Maintain a good relationship with him at this point, especially since you’ve already clearly stated your intentions.

      Reply
  • Ariane

    Hi, my boyfriend and I broke up last for more than 2 months already. We were in a 10yrs relationship. There were a lot of reasons for the breakup, he said we weren't growing in the relationship and that he couldn't see a future with me anymore. He also said that he wasn't happy with our relationship anymore. I begged and tried to contact him during the first few months to get back to be and give our relationship another try but he's still firm with his decision that what we have is over already. I traveled for 3 weeks last July to get my head off the breakup, before I left he was still affectionate and telling me that he still love and cares for me. He was even checking on me when i was traveling. But when I got home, I discovered that he's already dating this other girl. We'd had a few fights about her before our breakup because they were calling each other at wee hours. This girl just broke up as well from her boyfriend a few weeks before dating my ex boyfriend. Now, my ex's sister told me that my ex already introduced this new girl to their family and the girl did the same to her family. My ex has gone cold and was telling everyone that he's happier now and that there's no chance in us getting back together anymore. Is there really no chance here? I can't quite know if this new relationship is a rebound or serious. I've cut contact with him for 3 weeks now.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he was together with you for 10 years, there's a good chance that the next relationship he jumps into would be a rebound. I would recommend spending this time to pick yourself up, and grow as well as a person in order to stand a better chance if you intend to win him back.

      Reply
  • Enea

    Hi,
    my boyfriend broke up with me after a 5 years relationship. Before the break up he was at the same time really passionate and caring, and other times very distant and angry. We lived together for 4 months. Than one day he said that he wasn't in love with me anymore, he cried a lot and I packed some of my stuff and went to my parents house for the weekend. After a few days he said that he wanted to break up. I moved back with my parents. After 2 weeks we talked again. He was crying a lot, and said he was sorry for the way he treated me, but the day after he broke up with me he started to date a collegue and he said that he wanted to move to another country with her on january. I asked him why he wanted to move to another country since he never expressed the desire to do so, he replied that he wanted to run away from me and his family. He also said that he will forever feel guilty for the way he treated me. He looked very depressed, and I know from mutual friends that he started to drink a lot and stay out at night until morning. He also seems to be very serious with this girl, doing a lot of things he used to do with me. Also at the end of the relationship he said that he lost attraction because we couldn't see eachother often (due to different working hours).
    Do I have any chance at getting back together?
    Is it a rebound relationship or not?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may potentially be a rebound, especially since the expressed motive behind moving countries was to run away from you and his family. As for chances, there does still seem to be a chance to reconcile since his actions are directly related to you at the moment, and he is very affected by the breakup as well.

      Reply
  • Rebecca

    Hi everyone.
    My ex broke up with me one week and a half ago. He told me he still likes me and wanted to stay friends. It's just that he didn't see a future in it. He couldn't pinpoint what the problem is(we had great sex and I'm always supportive of everything he does or wants to do). He even suggested a weekly dinner+fun meeting on Sundays. He assured me there wasn't someone else and also that I didn't have to worry about him dating anytime soon. But after less than a week he's already going on dates!!!! I found this out yesterday after he reluctantly told me when I asked what his plans were for the evening since he
    kept refusing me. I basically made all the deadly mistakes. A lot of crying and ugly sobbing and being needy... He hasn't responded to any of my messages since yesterday evening when I went to his house,
    broken down. And when I went again this afternoon to suggest a walk he said "no, some other time. It was nice that you came to see me though". I now know (after finding this site through Google) that I need to start No Contact (and realised that maybe our relationship partially didn't work because I lost my own identity. I do everything with/for him. And his own (commitment) issues of wanting to get away from home constantly and traveling/emigrating) but I'm so paranoid about this new girl and I can see his house from my window and it's driving me crazy that I know he's out on a date right now. I was his second girlfriend, his ex broke up with him because of his jealousy problems. He was never interested in actively going dating (we started when I was in An open relationship, but even then he just didn't feel motivated to date girls... WHY NOW AFTER ONE WEEK OF BREAKUP)

    I'm looking for support in all this. Please let me know what you think of the situation and my chances.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's a chance that he got bored of the relationship over time and lost the spark, despite the positive aspects of it. Usually, these situations require a bit of time for the other party to realize that what they had was great and it was a mistake throwing it away.

      Reply
  • Aly

    Hi I was seeing this guy from March to August, we were really intense, passionate, he was infatuated with me and we would talk all day everyday, we had everything in common, but he broke up with me in May bc he felt like we argued a bit to much and like he was putting in more effort than me. I did a lot of mistakes like begging for him to stay and being a doormat during the breakup and after the breakup. We stayed in contact even after the break up in May until August, we were still flirty with each other but there was still no commitment and he was a bit hot and cold with me. We would speak to each other at least once a day until two weeks ago. Two weeks ago he told me that he was being distant and a lot less flirty bc he decided he wanted to give this girl that has had a crush on him for a while a chance at being with him (bear in mind he told me about this girl in May but still continued to be flirty, sexual and close to me even after he told me about her.) he told me it’s not serious with her and that he wasn’t going to cut off our friendship just bc she might feel insecure of it but at the same time he’s going to be fair to her bc leaving her for me wouldn’t be his thing. I told him it would be best for us to not speak since he’s With her now and keeping in contact with him would only hurt me, he accepted but the next day he proceeded to talk to me again and keep up our snapchat streak. This week we haven’t been in contact since Tuesday (31st of July) and on Friday (3rd of Aug) he posted a pic of her on snapchat wearing his shirt. I’m
    Trapped between deleting him off my social media or trying to flaunt that I’m moving on and genuinely happy on social media bc he’ll see it. I’m also a bit competitive and kinda feel like he only started getting involved with her in May bc me and him started having problems (so she might be a rebound), plus the way he was when me and him s first started talking doesn’t compare to when him and her started talking. He was so excited to start talking to me in March but he’s kinda downplayed her importance to me which is a bit disrespectful to her and I know he wouldn’t have said such things about me to other people when we first started talking. What is the best thing for me to do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend entirely on what your goal is - to win him back or walk away. I would recommend going back to NC, but don't delete him off social media. You can always continue to post stuff and this may cause him to regret/think of you during that time.

      Reply
  • Kay

    My husband of 11 years and I split up at the beginning of the month. I take full responsibility as I had an affair following my mum passing away and feeling unsupported by him but I made a bad choice. Unfortunately I didn’t initially fight for him when he found out. He asked to reconcile and I was still in a bad place. I have since realised what I massive mistake I made and tried to make amends. The problem is he was in a new relationship within a week of moving out and is now saying it’s too late. We have children so can’t do complete no contact. Do I have any chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to do fully do no contact given the circumstances you're in, but avoid small talk and interaction with your ex with the exception of matters related to the children. Given that the relationship was over such a long period, there is a chance that he still has feelings for you but may simply be going through a rebound right now. Follow the guidelines found in our articles on how to handle rebound relationships as well as no contact.

      Reply
    • kayjoanne

      I did limited contact for a few days (bar conversations about kids) and he’s already text today asking how I am and if I was still hoping he’d reconsider. I asked him why he was asking and he said he still cares about me despite everything. I don’t understand why he’d ask this, feels like he’s playing a game

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, if you feel that way, perhaps give it some space to see if he's sincere or not. If he's not sincere, he would probably stopping trying to contact you after awhile.

      Reply
  • Devanshi

    Hi
    My boyfriend and I broke up , I followed the no contact rule for about a month , he has been dating another girl for 3 months and we met after my no contact and I slept with him because he made promises to me , did I make a huge mistake ? What should I do now to make things in my favour?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on how he is treating you now, after you've slept with him because he made promises to you that would determine whether it was a mistake. If he is beginning to ignore you again or has gotten hot/cold with you, perhaps going back to no contact may be a good idea since his intentions were different from yours (he missed you but hooking up helped him get over that).

      Reply
  • Ikky

    Hi, my boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. I begged him but he refused so I stopped. After 2 months he came back begging but I was harsh towards him. I then called him and apologized and also told him we are fine but he refused saying he has met his new girlfriend and she is giving him the peace he really wants. I want him back now and my friend got to talk to him, she said he is just beginning to love the girl and he told her that I can fight for him if I want. How do I do that?? Is there a real chance? I know he loves me more than her

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If that is the case, then perhaps you would have to convince and remind him why he loves you more than her. This could be through your actions of trying to win him back or trying to rekindle the flame once again with him.

      Reply
  • lizzy

    Hi
    Ok so I’m in a very tight confusing situation me and my ex broke up about 5 months ago during those five months there were times where we had no contact and I would try to move along with my life. But then suddenly I get a text at 3 in the morning him telling me how’s hes sorry about soemthing that he said to me or that he misses me. Yet he keeps saying to me I need to move on and that’s he’s fully moved on from me and that he just doesn’t feel the same but he also saids things to me like he will always be there to talk to me & that he misses me around and that he cares about me and that he’s not going to forget about me and he will always be there to talk if I need soemthing but I recently found out from him that he has a girlfriend which is crazy to me because just a couple of days ago he told me the reason he left me was because he wanted to feel free and that for him it feels good to be freee so why does he have a girlfriend if he told me it feels good to be free and that he doesn’t care for a relationship right now I’m his life .?? they have been talking for 2 months but the thing when I text him he ALWAYS texts me back even when he’s around her..? I am so confused and hurt I recently have been doing everything RIGHT for ME in those 5 months of not being together But it just doesn’t feel right without him I am happy for myself that I have been doing so good for myself in last months but I still can’t let the fact go that I wish I could be sharing all these great accomplishments with him.. I am so nervous him and his girlfriend are going to be something big. I really love this man. I am so confused and just nerves to lose him but he’s always giving such mixed sings that it’s driving me insane. Please help I have decided to stop contact with him and maybe check up on him in like a month or so but if he’s still with her I am going to feel so hopeless.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep in mind that the focus during this period that you've stopped contact with him is the period you should be focusing on what went wrong with the relationship, and whether there were things that you could do to change about yourself in a positive manner, as well as to use this time to pick yourself up from the break up. Follow the guidelines found here if you require further information about the concept of no contact.

      Reply
  • Lola

    Hey,
    My boyfriend and I live together and been together for over 7 years. He broke up with me as was attracted to another girl who is now seeing although is adamant he hasn’t moved on ( we broke up less than 2 months ago). It’s hard to do no contact as we still have a couple of weeks on our flat lease. I’ve been staying with friends as much as my can.
    Do you think if he left for a different attraction, my chances are low? He’s up and down and often gives me hope and apologises for what he’s doing?
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may have left for a different attraction because of the grass in greener syndrome, which he may have started to feel after being together for so long that there are 'better' fish out there. The fact that you were together with him for so long means you connected on an emotional level at the very least but physical attraction may have been lost over time, which is possibly also why he feels bad and the need to apologize. Follow the guidelines found in this and our other articles as well on the steps and measures to winning him back.

      Reply
  • Esther

    Hi. My ex and I have been together for 4 years and just broke up a little more than 1 week ago and we did not end in bad terms, despite being a mutual decision I felt like I was forced to break up with him, because I caught him lying to me and he was drifting away. After the break up I found out that he was emotionally cheating on me with one of his overseas colleague (they do meet frequently since he has to fly to her country quite often, but will not be as frequent moving forward) 1 month prior separating (we were having huge arguments then, about commitments and settling down issues). The week before the break up, we are still acting like a normal couple and was assuring each other that we will work on our relationship, but after his overseas business trip to his female colleague country, where I found out he spent the weekend with her and some of his other colleagues. I found out all these information from his mum (that was when i found out he was lying and was talking to someone else), he called me the next day of his return and we mutually broke up over the phone.
    I have stopped contacting him after the break up, cause I thought it was a good time for me to do some self-reflection on myself and our relationship - me trying to understand what went wrong.
    I was motivated to contact him after having no contact for 2 weeks. However, I have recently spoken to his mum again for some advice (his parents loves me a lot), and she told me that he looked like he moved on (not moaning at home, going out with his friends, texting his female colleague etc) and has every intentions to fly over to his colleagues country just to see her. Of course, this news upsets me because I thought I would still have a chance on reconciliation with him...
    Right now, I am worried that I will not have any opportunity with him anymore. But neither do I understand whether his overseas colleague is a rebound since he started chatting with her before breaking up with him or something he is committed to?
    Please advise on what I should do please?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      A rebound relationship could just as easily have started before the previous relationship ended since he probably built the connection with her to escape whatever negative emotions he felt in the relationship with you. This could have been built upon after the breakup because in order to avoid feeling empty and lost from the breakup, he continues to contact her instead which also occupies his mind and time from having to deal with the breakup. Continue with NC and perhaps observe whether the likelihood of her being a rebound is there before you decide whether to move on or not.

      Reply
    • Esther

      Hi, but if the coworker is located in another country away from him. Would you think it is possible for them to build a meaningful relationship together? Also, should I wait for him to contact me, or should I make the first move first? I am afraid if I took awhile to contact him, he might get use to my lack of presence and the chances of me reconciliation with him would be low...
      Please advise!

      Reply
  • Gina

    Hi. My ex and I broke up a little more than 2 weeks ago. we didn't end in a bad term. He said he didn't feel the same anymore and he can't do it anymore, he didn't wanna hurt me than he already was. I applied no cantact 10 days after we split and yesterday, 20 days after we broke up, i just discovered that is already with another girl. My friend got really upset cos she thought he cheated and went to ask him about it but he answered no and he said he never cheated. He said he's just getting to know her and he just doing what he can to feel better. Do i still have a chance after all this? Ill be going to another country for a year and he promised to take care of my pet while im away so it isn't gonna be hard to see him again if I want to after the no contact period. Should I follow the rule or should I just go ahead and see him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Regardless, you should be considering NC right now at least to sort your emotions out first, because contacting him while you're feeling hurt will only cause you to come across as desperate and needy and this would further ruin any chances you have at winning him back. Pick that up, and then consider your options again.

      Reply
  • Naomi

    Hi Kevin,

    I broke up with my ex, mainly due to stupidly listening to my friends and not being strong enough to tell them they were wrong etc... I hated my decision but was very lost and confused.. he was devastated and was crying down the phone etc for most of the week! I saw him a week later and we spent the weekend together with lots of tears but passion as well. I said I just needed time, mainly because I was in counselling and wanted to talk everything through with her. I phoned him and said I wanted to be with him, he said he didn’t know what to say but we could do something Wednesday. We saw each other Wednesday, he stayed over and made me breakfast, kissed me goodbye as I went to work, phoned me in the car to listen to a piece of music he’d heard and said we’d do something Friday. That night I phoned him just to chat and he said he wasn’t sure about Friday anymore. I drove to his house Friday to sort things out and he got in my car, and cried, told me he loved me, was kissing me but he had to tell me something. He’d met someone in that week of a breakup and he had seen her Tuesday and was meant to be seeing her Friday night. I begged him, I told him not to go etc and after he’d finished work he was on the phone to me the whole time on the way to her house crying, saying he didn’t know what to do and that he loved me. He went there anyway and didn’t contact me the whole weekend until Monday saying we were over. I saw him Monday cause I drove to his work and he hugged me, stroked my hair, kissed the top of my head while I cried and said he’d be there for me and part of him wanted to just get in the car and say let’s do it. He again, went there anyway. The first time he was alone without me or her he was texting me making sure I was okay, and again sending me music that we used to listen to. I wrote him a letter which he still hasn’t read, cause he said it’s too emotional but he’s still seeing her! He told me I’d be okay and sorry. But whenever he’s not with her he messages me? How do I get him back!?!?

    P.S the new girl is 19, and has recently broken up with her ex. My ex is 25 and a personal trainer and after some bad stalking (I know it’s bad) her ex was kinda ugly haha

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, seeing her probably makes him feel better and eases the pain he feel regarding the breakup with you. It's likely that she may be a rebound considering how he started dating her almost immediately after, which is a sign of avoidance and not wanting to deal with the break up itself.

      Reply
    • Naomi

      What should I do? We’ve spoken everyday since the breakup... when it’s just simple conversation it’s all okay but as soon as I bring anything up he goes quiet. He tells me he’s finding it hard and doesn’t want to think about anything. He’s been with her a week now :( I don’t want to lose him.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely want to win him back and he's just starting to date someone else but still is positive contact with you, my suggestion would be to build up attraction and a sense of familiarity first instead and give him a reason to want to come back. Since he does not want to address the issue now, then focus keeping the conversation positive so that his negative memory of the past may eventually be replaced.

      Reply
  • Evans

    Hi there. I just would like to seek your opinion. I was dating this guy for 9 months and we share a great deep connection, and we both know it. However, he was never able to commit in a relationship due to his own personal issues and fears. We agreed to remain as more than friends and continued seeing each other frequently whenever he is back home from his business trips. However, things started to become heavier due to my own insecurities and we had quite a fair number of arguments. We lived together for 6 weeks, and the relationship became very stressful for him as we had several moments of friction too. He told me that was when he started to lose his feelings for me and felt that having two strong personalities do not work out. I know of my issues and thus, whenever I felt him withdrawing, I did not know how to give him space.

    After we flew back home from living together, he suddenly went cold and distant, which I did not know why. I did everything your article told me not to do.. and became so desperate and texted him incessantly. He contacted me a day after we came home and told me that he had slept with someone else, and told me that he wanted to end things. I reduced my texts and tried to move on. However, a week later, he contacted me and told me that he is now dating the girl (who is a complete different girl from his usual type), that he took an interest in a fling more than he should. However, he still wants me to be his friend because he knows that he will not get to have another connection like we shared with anyone else. I began to become very needy and clingy again over the loaded texts.. and before I knew it, he said that I have pushed him up to the wall and he felt so suffocated. A few days later, he told me that he is now attached and thus hopes I'll move on. Told me too that being with me helped him to realize that he needs a woman who is of a very submissive nature, and also because this present relationship feels lighthearted for him, that he does like her but he does not know if it will last. However, he does not really know if he sees a future with her but he has chosen to be committed to her and decided to go with it and try to make it work even though he does see many red flags. To him, it is a different kind of happiness for him. Of course I was crushed, but the conversation we got to have about us really helped put things to a closure where he opened up to me about all the wonderful traits he saw in me but simply felt we were not compatible because he did not want me to change who I am.. but yeah, two strong personalities in his opinion. He agreed too that he knew he would not be able to have such a connection again and would rather still have me as a friend than to completely lose me. Though I did share with him my opinion that I have issues too and one of it is learning to submit because of my insecurity and will be taking the time to sort myself out. We agreed to be friends but to take some time apart because 1) he has to respect his relationship's boundaries and 2) for things to cool off a little between us when emotions are no longer in the picture. We also agreed that we would hang out only on two scenarios, mainly when he either is single again or when I am ready/ moved on. We also have an agreement that by certain age if we both are single, we would get married. He has since stopped responding to my texts and I have also ceased communication.

    I am just wondering if such a scenario is common/ anyone faced with this before? And there is still a possibility for us to come back together to give relationship a real shot with the improved me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be perfectly honest, it seems to me that he may be the type to run away whenever he encounters too much stress or conflict which was why the relationship ended. You won't know now for sure but keep in mind the possibility of him having thrown convenient excuses and reasoning to make you feel better by saying that he feels connected with you but it's different, wants to be friends, both get married in the future if single at a certain age, etc. You'll probably only know if he's sincere about everything he said when you contact him again after some time has passed and you are more stable, depending on his response.

      Reply
    • Evans

      We still contact here and there. He claims that he is very happy with this current girl and that he has been having much difficulties wrapping his head around the emotions he is feeling, also saying that he does feels like he is falling for his girlfriend. He mentioned to me that it was because of me that helped him to let go. I am not sure if this is a rebound relationship, but I know we do have great potential together which he did agree too if I had learnt to give a man his space. In this scenario, I am wondering if the methods that are stated in this article be of any chance at success? Or anyone has actually managed to attain success before

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps if you visit our forum page, you'll be able to find some success stories regarding other people's relationships. There's always a chance at success but the circumstances would vary for everyone. It really depends on how the situation plays out and many of these aspects (beside focusing on yourself) aren't areas you have control over.

      Reply
  • Megan van der Lingen

    Hi Kevin and fellow broken hearts im so grateful for this article. I just have a question. I have initiated no contact period with my ex it seems he has moved on but i really want him back and for the right reasons. Im following Kevins tips about how to be a happier healthier version of yourself. I have even been on 2 dates but no more than a peck on the cheek with the dates because i actually really want my ex back. My question is when is the perfect time to start texting him as i want to hit that sweet spot you speak of. I have quoted this section of your article below.
    "After you’ve been in no contact for a while, it’s time to contact him again. However, you must know the timing has to be just right. If he stays in the relationship with his new girlfriend (who is not a rebound) for a long time, he will get more invested in that relationship and he will be less likely to come back to you. You will have to hit the sweet spot when it comes to timing. You have to give him just enough time to miss you, but not enough to completely forget about you."

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on the stage of no contact you're in, how long you've been broken up for, how the relationship ended and whether his new girlfriend is a rebound or not. If you said that he might have moved on, I assume that some time has passed. You could always try to contact him soon, but more as a friend and see how he responds to you. If it's positive, you could continue the conversation to see where it leads but if it's a negative response, based on what you've said, there might be a chance that he has already moved on and in which case, you might want to consider doing the same. If an opportunity presents itself in the future, you could always consider again if you still have feelings for him.

      Reply
  • Rue

    Hi. I have been dating this guy on and off from 2013 to 2017. He has broken up with me before and would come back. He broke up with me sometime last year citing that we don’t see things the same way. I could see why he was saying that. I have tried to move on, I have gone on dates, but I really do still love him and I have been working on improving myself, and I understand why he has acted the way he has,previously- something I couldn’t understand, which would upset me, while we were together. The problem is he is dating a lady in another country, now..they share the same culture and she was in his life before he dated me, though they were just friends, but she wanted more.We had arguments about her as he would keep contact with her. Now they communicate like a couple, and I live in the same house as my ex, and she is across the ocean. How can I get him back?Do you think I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You still have a chance but it's a small one and provided you're patient enough to wait, because you'll have to wait for their relationship to end before you can try anything. Continue improving yourself in the meantime so that when an opportunity presents itself in the future, you'll be a changed person in his eyes.

      Reply
  • Queen

    My ex and I had a big fight in December 2016. We were together for 4 years. We were messing around until January 2018. In September of 2017, we started dating this girl, and she asked him out in January of 2018, and he said yes. He told me that he was never going to ask her out, and to wait for him For 4 months because he didnt know how it would turn out. We had sex the day that he told me. We didnt speak since then because I was upset. A mutual friend told me that he said he could never love his new girl, and not like he loved me. And also that he still brings me up. And she can tell In His eyes that he still loves me. And that she doesn't think he really wants to be with her. How can I get him back? We are currently not on speaking terms, but if we spoke to each other, we would be okay with responding. We recently just took each other off of our block lists

    Also, he came to my Hometown quite a few times over the summer 2017 just to see me and be with me. And he constantly called me at work to talk to me and left me voicemails telling me that he loves me, and call me to say good morning. This was all over summer 2018, before he began dating her. And even after they were dating. I think he’s fearful of being with me again because he thinks he’s gonna get hurt.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Then you'll have to prove to him that he has no reason to fear getting hurt again because you've changed as a person (which you should be doing at this time), but you would probably only get the chance to do so after he has ended things with her. For now, you'll probably have to continue on with your life and focus on making positive changes to yourself.

      Reply
  • Bianca

    MY boyfriend and I were together 5 years and he broke up with me and told me he needed space. During this space period he would still text me and we would have friendly conversations. I later found out he had been hooking up with a co worker I was cordial with during the last month of our relationship. He was trying to keep it secret and when I confronted he told me she met nothing and was an outlet. He told me he wants to remain friends we have sex about 3 times a week and whenever he is not around his new beau he is texting me. I ask him for boundaries and what he wants from me and he just says "We don't know what the future will hold" I am still deeply in love with him but I don't know if sleeping with him is the best idea. When he isn't around her he acts like we are still together but when he is around her I am chop liver. Is this new relationship he is in serious and should I move on and just leave him alone.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sleeping with him is definitely not the right thing to do if you want him back in your life as more than someone he turns to when bored or wants to hookup. He could've been hooking up with her because he got bored of the relationship with you and lost feelings of passion. It's most likely that she will be a rebound for him, but you should not complicate things right now by getting involved as well. Instead, perhaps considering going into No Contact to provide some distance between the two of you, so that the breakup would actually hit him.

      Reply
  • nicole

    Hi, so my ex broke up with me very recently for another girl. However the circumstances are weird. she lives in a different country. They met up for the first time for a few days, when she went back to her country he broke up with me for her. However he says he still loves me but loves her as well and says maybe in the future we can be something again . What do you advise me to do in order to win him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that he got bored of the relationship with you, and that this new girl provides novel excitement. However, because it is LDR, there's a high likelihood that it would not last since he probably didn't even get a chance to build up meaningful experiences with her before she left. I would suggest going into No Contact for now, and I suspect that he would begin texting you again once he realizes that this 'new' relationship doesn't actually have any meaning to it.

      Reply
  • Ali

    Hi,
    So I have been in a 3 year on and off again relationship. It is both our senior year of college, and out of no where he told me he lost feelings and interest for me. He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, and just wants to enjoy his last few months of college. However, I found out that hes been consecutively hooking up wit the same girl. I am nervous that he will catch feelings for her. What do you think? How do I get him to believe trying a relationship with me is worth it again? How do I get him to catch feelings again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may have ended things with you because he was bored with the relationship and wanted to explore his options out there, given that he is graduating soon. His hookups with this girl is evident of that, and cheating may be something you risk facing if you try to get back with him at this point. However, if you still intend to get him back, you would probably have to figure out why he lost interest in the relationship with you (attraction, communication, etc) and try to work on those issues before you try to convince him to reconcile.

      Reply
  • Rachek

    I dated a guy for six months, we were never in an official relationship but I was so in love. I wasnt sure he wanted to commit and always thought he didnt felt the same way. Until one day he told me he wanted to remain friends cause he was really interested in dating this other girl. My heart broke. I never told him how I felt but Ive really fallen for this guy. He started dating the girl and are now in relationship. However, we never lose contact, we started seeing each other again and things got messy. He cheated on his new girlfriend with me several times. I know it was wrong but I was so in love with him I didnt care. Now she has found out and he asked me to never talk to him again because he wanted to make things right. Im really hurt, I know he never cared. I dont know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should stop all contact with him and focus on picking yourself up from this, and walking away. As you've said, it's clear that the other girls means more to him and you don't know where you stand in all this especially since you were never officially together.

      Reply
  • Archana

    I and my bf are in a relationship of 7 yrs but since 6 months he was talking to my friend and she told him all the negative things about me slowly slowly he fell in love with her and cheated on me but he also talks to me and we were about to marry but Now he says he is confuse about the marriage and he dnt love that girl but also he doesnt show the same efforts and love which he use to before with me what should i do how can i get him love me again and want me again plz answer

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he is so easily swayed by what other people tell him about you, there isn't much you can do to convince him since this is a problem that lies with him. Everyone has their flaws, but he has chosen to accept yours when he got together with you. If he allows what other people tell him to sway his decision, then no matter what you do to improve, he may simply let someone affect his feelings towards you again in the future.

      Reply
  • M

    My ex and I broke up in August and reconnected in October he was very excited to be talking again on the road and admitted he loved me twice by I kept pushing him away out of fear. He blocked me for a month and then when we met so he could give me my things he got very emotional but stayed in his decision said he missed me and would miss me and maybe we can be friends. My friend who works with him just told me she heard around the office that he is going to make a new relationship official on instagram next week and now any hope i had is kind of lost. we were together for three years, he wanted to marry me. Is that really just all gone in two months? Please help. Thanks

    Also, this doesn’t seem like him. His ex before me cheated on him and just wasn’t a good person and yet he didn’t date me until 9 months after that. This just seems left field. Apparently he told my friend he feels like “a new person”. I know i had pushed him away but is it really entirely over?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's a chance that this new relationship is a rebound relationship, but you can never be certain. Since he's in a new relationship already, it might be a wiser choice to focus on moving on even though it may be a rebound because there's no saying how long the relationship might go on for, and it would only hurt you further by waiting for him.

      Reply
  • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

    Perhaps he's getting wary of your intentions and isn't ready yet to get back into a relationship again. However, it's also apparent that he has feelings for you and cares for you still. I would suggest taking things slow since he may be feeling pressured at the moment depending on your actions. Show him that you're capable of spending time with him without coming across as too desperate or needy in wanting him back. This would help him build his comfort level towards you, and you should only take it forward from there.

    Reply
  • Ella

    My boyfriend and I broke up a year ago because of his personal issues (mental health etc.). However we remained on and off friends during the break up time until a month ago when I said we could not speak anymore. But when we see eachother there is still a connection, and I always think he is still the one. He has just started seeing someone else who is the complete opposite to me, nothing like him, and all our friends see it. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on whether that opposite is a good thing or not. You should give him space regardless in the meantime since he's started to date someone new, and you were the one who drew the line. However, it seems likely to be a rebound relationship since he's dating someone completely different from you, which means he's trying to run away from the breakup by dating someone that would not bring back any memories relating to you.

      Reply
  • Fiona

    I really need some help my ex and I were together for nearly 5 years high school sweethearts it came to the third year where things went wrong he did cheat and we did break up where he decided to sleep around during this time I took him back and yet again he left and done the same thing instead this time I slept with someone else too and it really hurt him I thought he would never come back after I slept with someone else but he did we got back together for a year there were major trust issues and no respect from both sides he’s not left again but This time whilst moving on he wants nothing to do with me and made it clear He is never ever coming back again and he regrets getting back together in the first place and doesn’t know why he did I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do I want him to change and be the man I need but I think he really means it this time when he’s told me and his family he is never coming back

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely want him to change and be the man you need, perhaps he actually needs the space to grow emotionally and mentality still, which might have been limited while he was around you. It's may not be your fault, because not every relationship is compatible in the sense that they compliment each other in growth at particular stages of life. In your case the transition from high school to adulthood is a big one, and relationships that overlap into that phase tend to face certain obstacles because people mature at different speeds. However, it's not to say that he will never fall for you again some time in the future, but you might have to give each other some time and space apart first.

      Reply
    • Fiona

      So when he has said that he’s never coming back this time does he really mean it? Or do I just give it time and hope for the best and wait

      Reply
  • Casey Lister

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago. He said he no longer felt the same and he had got a new girlfriend within 3 days of him splitting up with me. I'm unsure if she is a rebound because they were talking while we were still together. We have a 2 year old son together. He was my first love and i thought we would be together forever. We were together for 5 years before the break up. I honestly cant afford the ex back permanently program so any help or advice would be great

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would really depend on how the relationship was like towards the end - whether there were a lot of fights, if he showed concern or didn't seem to care, loss of attraction, etc. If you were together for 5 years and even share a 2-year old son, it's likely that the relationship was a meaningful one, just that at some point during the relationship, things had changed. In most cases, it tends to come from the lack of excitement or passion after being together for so long, and one party gets bored. There's a good possibility that his new girlfriend is a rebound because she comes across as a new experience for him, and a change of pace from the last 5 years of being with the same person. If you want him back, the best thing you can do right now is to pick yourself up, and figure all these issues out with the relationship and work on them (on your own part at least). Give him space to actually feel the emotional gap of being with someone that isn't you, and if it really is a rebound, his relationship with the new girl probably won't last very long.

      Reply
  • 🌺

    Hi there,

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend 4 months ago, and those past for months have been incredibly tough for me. I broke up with him because school and work got in the way and we no longer had enough time for each other. We started out as friends, so you can imagine how it felt for me to lose him. I did the no contact rule and only talked to him when he approached me, which was rare and still is. We go to the same school and we pass each other in the hallway all the time, but we turn our heads the other way. It's very awkward.

    At first, I had hope that things would turn out alright, because we'd talk occasionally and things weren't too bad. But recently, I found out that he's dating another girl. And ever since them, he stopped contacting me. I can't tell him that I still love him because that will hurt me, and it's just wrong. I'm scared to even talk to him because I'm afraid that he'll see it as me trying to get back together with him. For now, I just want to be friends.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Under these circumstances, if he only recently got together with someone new and this new knowledge has been hurting you a great deal, it just means that you haven't picked yourself up from the break up. I suggest that before you even think about being friends with him, that you need to find ways to first recover from the pain and not let yourself be so emotionally affected by things. If you still want to be with him down the road, you'll need to show him you're doing well, and make him think of you again.

      Reply
    • 🌺

      How do I show him that I'm doing well and make him think of me? I don't even know how to approach him...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At the moment, if he's dating someone else, there isn't much you can do about the situation considering that you were the one who initiated the break up. Hopefully this relationship he is in is merely a rebound, and it won't last. Wait for an opportunity if you really want him back. In the mean time, you could always start to make your presence known (social media), and continue to work on improving aspects of your life and being less emotionally invested in him as ironic as that sounds.

      Reply
    • 🌺

      I have a class with him... Would saying hi be appropriate? I fear that the more time passes of no contact, the harder it will become for us to reconnect. What kind of opportunity am I waiting for?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      An opportunity would probably him breaking up with the person he's dating now. It would be hard to reconnect at the moment regardless because he's with someone else, and would probably be guarded against you.

      Reply
  • Mary

    My boyfriend broke up with me around a month ago after a 9-month relationship. I have been overseas for 4 of those months, though. Once I was in no contact with him, he sent me messages asking why I was ignoring him and when he could have our friendship back. We’ve been talking for the last few days and Skyped last night. He told me that he went through his rebound phase and that he’s starting to focus in on a girl now. Has he really moved on, though? The girl resembles me and is part of why we broke up since I felt that he was developing feelings for her. He said that he was attracted, but that there was no emotional connection.
    He mentions reconnecting when I return, but I’m worried that he’s just keeping me on his back burner. He asked me if I had been with anyone. I told him that I haven’t and he expressed that he felt relief, despite hoping that he wouldn’t. We were well-matched and saw a future together, but he missed my physical presence with the long distance relationship. He also felt that the distance was putting too much strain on the relationship since we were arguing all the time. What’s going through his mind? I’m having such a hard time understanding.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like the case where he still cares for you, but the long distance does put a strain on how he views things, and the new girl he has been focusing on seems like his way of coping with the relationship gap in his life since you have been overseas. I don't think he's fully moved on, and if you still want to give it a shot or re-connect with him when you are back, feel free to do so, but take things a step at a time.

      Reply
  • K

    Me and my ex-boyfriend, both around our early 30's, broke up almost 3 years ago. We were together for several months. I left him because of what I thought was inevitable to do so (part of them being visa problem, since we met in overseas, and another part was his intense jealously).

    After the break up, he sent me messages from time to time, like in every 5 or 6 months - of which none of them I felt that they were desperate but instead simply asking me how I was doing and that he hope to keep in touch with me as a friend if I feel the same.

    It took me 2 years to finally stop dwelling on the past and send him a reply. After that, we slowly started to get back in touch, and as we did, I have started to feel that I may have made the wrong decision to have left him back then.

    I have made the choice of calling him. The conversation basically got to a point of me asking him for a second chance, and that was when he told me he won't be a ble to see me as more than a friend because he's seeing someone else for a while now.

    Since it was before I have found your articles, I followed all my instincts and did/said all the things the article has told me not to do as a reaction. At the end of our conversation, I managed to get myself somehow back in track, but I do know it was not my best performance.

    I understand that he has completely moved on, probably a long time ago, and assuming from the way he have explained to me, I feel he is investing to his new relationship.

    Our conversation left us with a question of whether I would like us to keep in touch as a friend. I told him I probably will not be able to do that, though I would like to. He understood and respected my feelings and he told me he will not contact me if that's what I wish.

    I understand his situation, more that it is the consequences of what I have done 3 years ago and I am aware that I do not have a right to get in his way of happiness that he had finally found.

    I guess there's nothing really I can do at this point, so my only hope left now, is to secretly hope that the situation changes and, knowing that I still have feelings for him, maybe he will contact me again then.

    So, as for time being, while I will try to focus on bringing positive changes in my life, which one seems to have more chance to the possibility of getting back with him (even the chances are very low), whether I keep out of contact with him, or back to get in touch with him as a friend.

    The reason why I have declined his offer to be friends was, of course, because I know it will hurt to talk to him knowing he's with someone else, but if it will give him a positive effect at any rate in a long run, I would like to give it a try.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I feel that getting in touch with him as a friend for now would be the better choice, if you are able to do so, because 3 years was a long time ago, and if he's already moved on since, you'll need to create a new bond with him in order to have a shot at him falling for you again in the future.

      Reply
  • mari

    So I dated my ex for one year and we're together for 3 years. It was Rocky because I admit to having trust issues. We broke up and had no contact for about 2 months. Then became friends that eventually started sleeping over again. We were friends no arguing with all the couple things like hanging out running errands and shopping. Things were great. I got injured and was bed rest for 6 weeks, he visited me and surprised me. Next thing two weeks later he has a f2f. It didn't hurt surprisingly I was okay with him moving on. Then not hanging out with him anymore I've realized I'm not okay with it and I do want to be with him. So he's been in this relationship for about one month now. But we still text and I will admit to sending revealing photos because he's asked for them. And I've told him I do wish to be with him and would do anything, he says it's too late but how late is it if I'm not the one that always texts him "good morning" or that he asks for pictures and does mention the next time I see him. I don't want it to be too late and I do want to be with him. What should I do next?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would seem like he definitely still has feelings for you, but after 3 years being together might want to explore his 'options'. However, because you were together for 3 years, he is used to the idea of continuing to talk to you and is comfortable with it. If you want him back, I suggest actually going into No Contact because it seems that in the current situation, you haven't given him the space to actually process the breakup and start to miss you, which is why he is adamant about not wanting to get back together.

      Reply
    • mari

      I'm scared that if I give him space he'll focus on this gf and won't miss me and then it will be too late. I have not spoken to him in a couple days but it is killing me inside.

      Reply
    • mari

      I've tried dating other people but it didn't feel right and didn't feel the same.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continuing to talk to him would definitely still keep him around, but are you sure you want to remain in this cycle where he knows that he is able to do whatever he wants, because you currently need him more than he does.

      Reply
    • mari

      I've started to back off and not try to pursue him anymore. But what do I say or do when he does text me? I feel a bit weird but I like the attention, he only texts me when he's not around his girl friend. Do I think anything of it and maybe just wait for things to fall into place or is it nothing to think about and just let it fade?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At the end of the day, you'll have to figure out what it is you want. Not pursuing him or cutting contact with him may hurt now, while continuing to let yourself develop stronger emotions for him while he is still attached would only hurt you later on. It's normal to enjoy the attention because it makes you feel important that he would be willing to go behind his girlfriend's back to text you. However, just remember that if he is capable of doing that now, there's a risk of it happening in the future if the two of you were to work something out.

      Reply
  • Bailey

    So my ex boyfriend and I dated for 4 years, first love, inseparable and very close with his family. When I went away to college I was confused and feeling unsure because I felt like I needed to be single and experience life without him. I broke up with him and was fine, I tried not to think about it at all and started talking to a new guy. My ex was very heartbroken and we almost got back together a few times but I was stupid and chose the new guy. I regret that decision so much and want my ex back more than anything and wish I could go back and change my mind, and really have been down lately because I miss him so much. We haven’t spoken in months and he blocked me on all social media and I’m terrified to reach out to him, especially because he apparently just started dating someone new. I don’t know if it’s serious but I’m so scared that I lost him forever and I really don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should not contact him at this point since he's dating someone new and he may not take you seriously. Give it some time and move on with your life for now. If at a later date things don't work out with him and his date, you could initiate contact again with him if you're still keen.

      Reply
  • Delilah

    Kevin,
    I want my ex back permanently. Here's the story...We started seeing each other. It got was just beginning to get serious. I met his oldest child. He told his mother about me. I told my mother about him. Then, suddenly he was contacted by his ex. She professed all her feelings she still had for him. He told me about it all and said he was confused. They have been living apart for 2 1/2 years and recently filed for divorce. However, I have been his only relationship since their separation. We had been together for 4 months. I dedcidely told him if he was confused, he should try to work things out as reuniting a marriage, and considering they have a 4 year old son together, would be a priority...if he had any doubts at all that he needed to invest in that relationship. This may sound crazy, but closure is necessary when ending a marriage and I feel he deserves to figure that out without my influence since he has any doubt at all. Therefore I am in no contact at day 6 now. I truly feel I did the honorable, self-respectful choice. I love him. These are my feelings and I have to feel them and heal through this alone. But here is my question. If she is doing this through only jealousy, what would be the natural progression of what's going to happen? I will not communicate throughout this process but I would like to know what are the chances of it ending permanently between them? I'm in no hurry, because I know he has a lot of feelings to discern even if it doesn't work between them. But I still would like to hear your perspective so I'm not completely clueless. I have never been in this situation (or rather never had to remove my own self in honor of the circumstances).

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If his ex is only doing this out of jealousy, it is most likely that whatever caused the divorce to happen in the first place would repeat itself since her actions were not made in a calculated and logical manner but rather, in an emotional desperate attempt which may work because of the closure they need, but would not last long term.

      Reply
  • kristi

    I did 45 days no contact, my ex texted me the whole time during no contact. (I broke up with him and told him not to contact me anymore) After I finally agreed to meet him for coffee (he kept asking) I did and I found out through social media he got a new girlfriend. But I want him back now. I've hung out with him 5 times but made the mistake of sleeping with him. What is the best thing to do now? Do I go back to being friends and how long do I wait to tell him he has to choose between her and I? Shouldn't that be more than like 2 months and not just after a few times of hanging out?
    thx

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now if he's gotten together with a new girl and still wants to sleep with you and pesters you to meet up, there is a likelihood that he may trying to play you out. Take caution of that, and consider that making him choose between her and you might actually leave you devastated if the answer isn't what you want.

      Reply
    • kristi

      Thanks for the reply. What do you mean by play me out?
      I will definitely keep my radar up for that. i want to know either way but don't know how to approach bringing up its her or I. Do I wait more until we're closer friends, do I wait until he says something? do I wait for some sign. I'm not sure when to give up on getting him back and moving on or when to keep trying.i guess thats my confusion too.do i wait months or wait until something happens

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      What I mean by playing you out is that he may be sleeping with you because it's easy and the moment he gets bored, he might just decide to stop or walk away. I would suggest waiting it out until at least you're in a slightly more advantageous position for him to actually make a choice. Currently if you make him choose, there may be a chance he goes with her because she is still novel and brings something new into his life.

      Reply
    • kristi

      Thank you! Very helpful. how long do you suggest I wait it out? we usually hang out 1-2 times a week. I will make sure not to give into sleeping with him while I wait it out. Is a month or two good enough time or longer? Also how would I bring up the conversation of making him choose. is that something he should do on his own or should I bring it up until I'm in a more advantageous position? thx again

      Reply
  • Jess

    Hi Kevin, my ex of 3 years and I have been broken up almost 3 months. He is with another girl as far as I know. I have had no contact for this entire time. I am getting ready to say something but I am absolutely terrified! I have had 20 major surgeries from age 2 - 13 and this terrifies me.. I think I’m more afraid he will reply back to me! Our relationship did not end well and he ended it. But my heart wants what it wants. Please help me come to a decision to either let sleeping dogs lie or live a little and the worst risk is the one not taken.. 🙄

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      My suggestion would actually to not contact him right now because he is currently with someone else and you don't want to come across as the third party. Also he may not take you seriously since he may be in a happy relationship (or not but you don't know for sure) and considering that the relationship did not end well. Wait it out a little longer for an opportunity before texting him.

      Reply
  • N

    Hi, I'm 26, and he is 27 years old. We were together for 9 months and I meet his friends and family.
    7 days ago he broke up with me. Reason for breaking up was that he doesn't have time for me, that he isn't sure what he wants, maybe it's other girls, but he has everything he wants with me, so he needs time to think. But I think that he has someone else now.
    Few days after the break up he sent me a message that he is thinking of me every day, and i replyed to him after an hour that i'm glad that it's like that.
    I know where i was making mistake in our relationship, i was always there and available for him, almost like i didn't have my own life. Now I don't know how to repair mistake and how to get him back?
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, you have to show him that you're capable of living without him and perhaps that was the problem. By forever being available and there for your partner, it's easy for your partner to take advantage of that and take you for granted in the process because it becomes a boring relationship to him. I suggest focusing on your own life for now (remember before you guys got together, you were living life perfectly fine without him), and pick yourself up from where you left off back then.

      Reply
  • Kim

    My ex and i broke up 3 weeks ago. He post feelings for me and he is in love with his ex. I still Miss him and i want to get back with him. Do i still have a chance with him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think it would be better to let him get over his ex before you take another shot or consider anything since he may start projecting his feelings towards his ex on you and it isn't fair to you.

      Reply
  • Jenny

    What is a typical response time after the initial text?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It can be anywhere between immediately to 10 days. If they don't respond within 10 days, it's safe to assume, they won't.

      Reply
  • Tk

    I typed a very long message but it never showed in the comments 😔. Here goes: he breaks up with me, has a rebound (quite fast), love bombs me (guilt, missing me, loving me and regret, wanting to marry me), we plan to work on us due to fear of repeating our bad parts of our relationship, he gets new gf pregnant (unplanned by him not by her (her story is how I know)), he stops love bombing me and rarely expresses feeling of love (only happens now when we don’t talk for a while like longest was 14 dayish), he never told me of the pregnancy I found that one my own (I was highly hurt and upset and he said he knew I would act like that upon finding out) I was upset so I told him something stupid like good luck and he said gee thanks, he at first was with her for fear of hurting her when she didn’t deserve to be broken up with and now I think it’s because she’s prego, he claimed and claims to love us both, but it’s not love for either of us I know (maybe twisted love if their is such a type), since our break up he has helped me fix my car for almost a year and at this point he has rebuild my car (new engine and transmission), first he told her was over me/doesn’t talk to me/ and lied at first about helping me. His lies are starting to show and she’s still acting calm and idk why. He cheated on me when we were together and I mentally lost it always feared losing him and he always threatened to leave me when I got emotional and insecure. Sure he’s an asshole but they seem so perfect. Very jealous of all that I see from the window looking in. Things I see he wasn’t so much with me. I know what’s best and I’m stubborn as hello, I over analyze about situations trying to find out the mystery, of her, him and me. Why everyone behaves the way they do. He distroyed me and I’ve never been the same since. Playing my role as best as I can to win him back for a long time. I know karma is real, I’ve lived it and I know his will come around someday. Maybe it’s her like he was for me. But I don’t understand why she hasn’t snapped from the red flags or naturally (how she got where she is isn’t from being a sane woman). He’s playing a fool to her games and she’s playing stupid to his deceit. I never learned how long a pregnant rebound could last. Or how long a man can use a woman until he gets bored. Yep he’s said she’s got money many times. He’s using her and she manipulating him. That’s what I learned from this. So how long? So far almost a year because of her being prego I think. Will this baby cause a break up? Will she learn she deserves better than him? Regret her obsession over him? Or will a user of people and obsessive person of people last?

    Reply
    • Tk

      I know it hasn’t been approved but I’d like to add that she said she will financial support him when they first meet. She basically asked for him to look at her like a desire to be used. He did at first use her and she cut him off when she found she was prego. Her back story is as follows: catfished (his pics) by bff and thought she was with him for real, bought him jewelry, kept pics and jewelry for over 8 years and took the time to hunt him down and “find out who he was” she randomly shows up at his job shortly after we broke up and gives him her number. They end up together and she tells him the story and gives him the jewelry for the close holiday. He tells me and the first thought is wow that’s not normal! I worried for him and told him how insane that is and how she could harm him if he’s strays or does something worth her snapping for. How did she know he was single? Lied about not being able to have kids? Get a house so fast and make him think she’s making a lot of money? Trust fund baby? Idk but it seems she planned this.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi TK,

      You said he cheated on you, destroyed your self esteem, and he uses people. Why do you want to get him back?

      If your answer is "Because I love him", then I want you to do no contact for at least 3 months before attempting to contact him.

      Reply
  • Iaia

    My ex and I became official 3 months after his first relationship (of 2 months; he was dumped) ended. We were together for 8 months. We met each other’s family and friends and the love was real (but maybe his was just not enough for him to sustain the relationship) although it could be a honeymoon thing as it was only 8 months.

    His reasons of breaking up with me included stress, could not cope with my expectations, no longer felt at ease with me, and ultimately loss of his love/feelings for me. He did admit he missed me around 1 month after break up but then it transformed to “I had no more feelings for you” over the next few weeks.

    I’m thinking maybe it’s ME that is the rebound (although we both dedicated our love in the relationship). I tried no contact around 2 months after break up and the longest was 25 days (he didn’t contact me as well) and then I started bombarding him with messages.

    The breakup was 4 months ago and now he’s in a new relationship again (I was texting him “if we’re given one more chance I would really cherish it”; then he broke the news to me: “Sorry Iaia, I’m already in a relationship again”. Here, I wished him well and stopped the messages.

    I used to think (I still do) he had to learn what commitment should be, and now that he is a new relationship, although I wish him well, I think the same old issues would repeat again (feeling helpless and overwhelmed by his SO’s needs and expectations which happened to his two previous relationships including the one with me). But I also understand I’m not his counsellor; that’s his own lesson to learn now.

    What should my mentality be? I probably have some kind of answer. But what bothers me is that whenever I wake up I still think of my ex, knowing that he has a new girlfriend instead of choosing to experience and learn about love together with me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's normal to feel this way especially if you haven't really dedicated yourself to moving on yet. Like you say, you're not his counselor so it may a better idea instead to focus on yourself. In an indirect sense, he's started to move on already so you shouldn't keep yourself in the past either.

      Reply
  • Marlene

    I was in a FWB relationship for 2 years, we had moments of talking about taking it further, we never completely acted on it, 6 months ago he messaged me he had found someone, he calls his GF, however, he still regularly messages me, we have had sex 2 times and dinner a few times, while he has been with his GF, and we tell each other we love each other, how ever, he still stays with her....I do not know if their is a recovery chance with him or not....I am confused, in love with him, and recognize my situation is not normal, I need a more adaptive program for my situation....if its recoverable.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, you should be cutting off the FWB status with him since you know he has a girlfriend, and that makes you the 'third wheel' even if you do love him and have been with him longer. This creates the wrong mentality for him as he may not think of you as someone he would call his girlfriend since its been 2 years and things never progressed from FWB since but someone he met for a shorter period could become his girlfriend. I suggest creating some distance for your own sake and figure out if you want a relationship with him, or a FWB situation.

      Reply
  • Sandra

    I love my ex so much but he has a girlfriend. He sometimes come to my place and ask to make love which I always say no. Recently I ask him to come back to me and he only told me that we both have moved on and I will only be his friend. I can't stabilise in any relationship because he is always in my heart and mind. I feel that he is only one my heart belongs to and hurts so much seeing him far from me. I need help. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Sandra,

      It would be fair to yourself to at least spend time recovering and moving on since he already has a girlfriend. Even if you want to get back together with him in the future, at least work on your emotional state right now before trying anything.

      Reply
  • Eli Rose

    Okay so I have a situation myself that made me end up here .. Me and my ex always had little bumps in the road and whatnots but everything changed when we found out I was pregnant.. I’m madly in love with this guy.. but he was really undecided about everything so I finally lost it and broke up with him. It’s been just about a month (I’m going to be 3 months pregnant next week) and well throughout that whole month. He was still very iffy about what he wanted to do. I took pretty much any chance to talk to to give about it but I still never really understood anything. Until last night when we actually stood face to face. At first he started with “I’m really thinking about adoption and I don’t think we should get back together” from there he went to “ I love you but I’m still hurt about everything I need more time” from there I had my doubts because he didn’t stick to just one thing 😔 so I told him that I regret breaking up with him and how I know I can’t take things back but I’m 100% sure I can change and that I’m positive if we both try the relationship can be a healthy relationship. I told him that I haven’t even been able to go out with or even talk to friends because he’s honestly the only person I want to be around more than anything. From there I offered him my phone.. I told him that he can go through absolutely everything 😔 he refused to take my phone and from there he started acting funny .. and when I noticed he had been checking his phone more than anything I tried asking for it ... and for the first time ever he fought me for his phone. From there I just couldn’t think right .. the fact that i Legit been trying the most to work things out with him and he does that. So I asked him if he had a girlfriend if he was dating someone. He kept saying no and no. And I asked him not to lie to me. I told him that it hurts more when I’m lied to and it’s best to tell me the truth 😔💔 and he told me he was talking to this girl from work.. I was like okay so he told me and I asked to see the messages and he did ... I clearly saw that all the attention I was looking for he was giving to this girl that he’s been talking to for a month .. he tried telling me that it was multiple girls he was flirting with “because it’s what guys do” but it was clear that it was only her .. from there I asked if she’s his girlfriend if they’ve gone out, if they’ve kissed .. he answered them and he ended it telling me that she was nothing serious and that he’s only gone out to lunch with her. Of course it broke my heart and I semi lost it about I’m here carrying his baby and he’s out there telling people from work it’s not his and the attention I should’ve been given he was giving to someone else. Immediately his face completely changed. I told him if she’s the reason he’s been so distant if he has feelings for her . I’ll step away and leave him alone .. that I loved him enough to see him happy even if it wasn’t with me . And he stayed quite saying that this girl is nothing to him and he’d drop her like that. From there’s I just repeated that If I knew I honestly would’ve left him alone. But if he’s serious and willing to try the relationship again I’d really need him to try. He said yes. And I just stared at him because everything I just didn’t understand 😔 he hugged me and gave me a kiss and left ... our messages of course weren’t the way I wanted them to be.. on the other hand I can’t stop thinking that they’d send pictures to eachother send hearts kissy faces. He’d tell her how beautiful she is.. honestly killed me instead seeing the difference. this morning I asked him to come over and again he was really guarding his phone we cuddled on the couch, he’d kiss me, but it just didn’t feel right 😔 the things I’ve wanted back the most aren’t making me happy the way I thought it would .. so I tried to avoid everything . I tried to avoid that he’s hug me and check his phone behind my back .. until toward the end when he had to leave to work.. I asked if he wanted to come to my ultrasound next week and he said yes but he was just acting really really awkward. So I broke and asked him about the girl from work. He told me that he would talk to her today.. I looked at him and he just told me that she was asleep last night .. but that he’s tell her 😔 idunno it just seems to sketchy .. wouldn’t it be fine if he just left her a text message explaining everything? And then she’s gone ? .. nothing felt right .. i felt like maybe I said to much last night and he feels guilty .. so from his vibe I stopped him and told him he didn’t have to tell her if he didn’t want too.. that he could keep talking to her if he’d like.. and he looked at me and told me I’m cute but that he wanted to do it. I don’t know but he kissed me bye and told me he loved me and walked out .. but something about everything I just don’t have a good feeling about it

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Eli,

      For starters, I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through such a devastating situation. You deserve every bit of attention you need right now. However, it's best not to overthink things and if he says he will talk to her, perhaps let him be for now and see how it goes? You've enough on your plate without having to second guess every action or inaction that takes place.

      Reply
    • Eli Rose

      Thank you for telling me this. It calms me down a bit. But something happened last night. When again he keeps telling me he loves me. He took me into his apartment but then he leaves to a party and doesn’t come back until 2am.. I’m passed out on the restroom floor. And as soon as he came home everything just felt right.. he helped me up got me into his bed, cuddled me, kissed me.. everything felt perfect again 😔 until I looked over and saw him texting her and then sending “goodnight😘”. And it just made me lose all hope. Then when we woke up he wanted me to stay there and wait for him to come home.. but I told him that I had bought a ticket and I’m leaving town .. and that I thought it’d make things easier if I didn’t leave an option.. so that way I’m not constantly waiting for his answer. He stayed quiet and he just kept telling me that he didn’t want me to leave and that he just wants more time to pass 😔 but I told I couldn’t stay here and wait for a heart break

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's awfully strong of you to make the decision. I would have suggested the same thing. It's not healthy for you or the baby to go through this, even though it feels 'right' if you're constantly hurt in the process. Like I said before, you deserve every bit of attention but more importantly than that, you deserve to be happy. Since he has not stopped talking to her, it would be better if you not linger around with potentially false hope and end up hurt, over and over again.

      Reply
  • Neko

    I don't know what to do. I have been with this guy for 5 years and I just recently found out that he was cheating on me.he We had already been arguing and saying mean things but we always made things "better" I guess you could say he tells me that he still loves me and he told her that he still loves me and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He told me that there is still a chance that we can get back together or be good friends. But I really love him. I thought him cheating would make me hate him but I feel really lost.. it's good that he said he could never hate me right? I know it takes time and I know about the no contact rule. But I'm so afraid that he will never be with me again....

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      When he says he still thinks there's a chance you guys can get back together, I hope he means it without the third party? Before you consider anything more, you have to be considerate to yourself and respect yourself. Would you want to continue and be fine with your boyfriend having a third wheel?

      Reply
  • Nina

    Hello. There is this boy that I have been with for a year. We loved each other a lot but then some stuff happened and he broke up with me. A week or 2 later he's with this girl that he says he loves. Though he told me not to tell her that he still loves me. In the end, he wants to stay with her even though he really loves me. I'm always around him and she lives like 2 hours away so he spends more time and texts me more than her. I tried telling him that I think he's confused but he won't listen. What should I do to let him know that I love him and that he should just stop and come back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Nina,

      Perhaps he's going through a rebound with her? In that case, I suggest applying the no contact rule to let him figure that out by himself. You shouldn't interfere with a rebound as he might resent you for it and think you're trying to manipulate him. If he still loves you, he will come back eventually.

      Reply
  • Rosa

    Dear Kevin.
    I have been dating this guy for 3 years. Then about four months ago I started suspecting he was cheating on me with some girl he met in a whatsapp group we share. When I kept confronting him about his flirting with her, he denied it, till he eventually dumped me two weeks ago, saying he doesn't have feelings with me anymore. It's clear he is dating her, am not being paranoid. I have not texted him since the breakup, which was through a chat. Do you think there is a chance it could be serious? Did I lose him a long time ago and should just move on? Please advise.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Rosa,

      Speculation may not give you any closure or information. If you guys have been dating for 3 years, it's highly likely that he truly loved you but something may have happened along the way. Firstly, give yourself some space and adopt the no contact rule. At the end of it, if you still feel that you want him back, I suggest you have an honest conversation with him about it.

      Reply
  • keirra

    Hi kevin im in a terrible situation and im so confused my bf and i of 7yrs and we also share a three year old. he cheated on me twice i have since left him and now his with the woman he cheated on me with. everytime we did drop off he would flirt with me. He tells me he will always love me but he is still with this other woman. After 3 months and he is still with her i made the poor decision of telling him i moved on with someone. he always thought i was cheating on him with someone from college but i never cheated. he did. after i told me he started questoning me about the guy and said he always new because i lied and told him it was someone from my college to make him jealous. How can i still fix us getting back together should i continue on with the lie and make him jealous until he wants me back? i still see him often since we have drop offs with our daughter. he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. please help i know i screwed up because a couple days before i lied to him he took me and his mom out for lunch please help me.
    thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Keirra,

      Tell him that you lied to make him jealous and that you need some time and space to heal from the breakup. Apologize for it. After that, start no contact. Don't reply to his texts or email no matter how much he contacts you.

      Reply
  • Andy

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I were together for a year and 9 months, it was both of our first relationship and it was pretty serious and we were contemplating moving in together. In december I made a male friend who really bothered him and he was intensely jealous of this friendship and started acting out and being very mean towards me (reading my messages, saying rude things ect.). As time went on my friend and I got closer and closer because I was opening up about the emotional issues I was having in my relationship. My ex boyfriend broke up with me in march saying that I emotionally cheated on him (I don't disagree) and we continued talking about potentially being together until April when we went no contact and he moved on with someone else. In May I saw him and things went well, he was affectionate and listened to me; but he was very conflicting and told me things like "I hope you find what you're looking for" and then things like "I truly don't want you to give up on me." Then in june we stopped talking again for two weeks. Him and that girl are together now and I'm also seeing someone but my ex and I are talking again and have been for about a week. I want him back but I have no idea what to do because his texts are so dry and seemingly like he doesn't care and has actually moved on. I do know he stalks my social media everyday though and finally just deleted our pictures off of instagram and facebook. I should also mention we're two hours away from each other currently so seeing him is not the easiest.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Andy,

      The only way to get him back is be patient. I recommend you stop contacting him until he contacts you first. And if you are not in love with the guy you are seeing, breakup with him. You will not get what you want unless you start saying no to the things you don't want.

      Reply
  • Keisha

    Kevin please help me. Me and my ex were together 7 years. We broke up in October last year because I cheated . In february I began dating someone new and he made attempts to get back with me but I was talking to my new lover. The week before my birthday he brung flowers to my job and brought me a Mother's Day gift. We did sleep together after that we didn't really talk much. I just found he is seeing someone he says she's a friend but I'm not so sure. I miss him a lot and want him back but don't want to hurt my new lovers heart and apparently my ex and his new friend started talking. He is off Monday and we Are supposed to meet up concerning our son but I'm nervous. I am literally crying because I'm torn what do I do? Kevin please help

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Keisha,

      Are you sure you want him back? Or are you just scared of losing him forever because he is speaking to someone else. You probably hurt him terribly after a seven years relationship and he has finally healed a little bit and is starting to pick up the pieces of his life. Please do not give him hopes of getting back together only to realize later on that you don't want him back. Take some time out and truly think about what you want. Get therapy if you are confused.

      I understand you are hurt but at one point of time you chose to cheat on him and leave him. There is a good chance you made that decision because you did not want that relationship. Nothing much has changed and if you go back, you might end up in the same relationship and the same boyfriend you cheated on. Do you truly want that? Or are you just feeling hurt because you are just realizing that your ex can move on as well?

      Grief is painful, but if you choose to not pursue him, you will heal and feel better. But if you give him hope and shatter it again, you will hurt him again and it will be cruel.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    My fiance of 8 years broke up with me and immediately started dating his coworker. He ended up moving in with her. We have been broken up now for almost 2 months. I did all the wrong things at first like begging him back. That pushed him further away. I started making as little contact as possible with us having 4 kids together. This past monday he come over and he started making passes at me. Then, he gave me a very deep hug, if that makes sense. If felt like he cared followed by a "friendly" kiss as he called it. He said we have been best friends for 8 years and wants to continue being friends. Tues, I had no contact with him. Wed, he started making sexual passes again. Later that night he called me to tell me his new girlfriend of 1 month and him got engaged. They both felt like it was the respectful thing to do for me to hear it from them. Thurs came, with more sexual passes. Friday, i made a huge mistake and met up with him. We ended up having sex. I know it was wrong and im not gonna do it anymore. Im gonna tell him tomorrow. What does this mean and do you think i still have a chance to get him back.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sarah,

      You do have a chance. But you need to do no contact. His new relationship definitely looks like a rebound and will end soon. But if you keep being available to him, he will never realize how much he loves you and will never go through the grief. If you have to meet him because of the kids, keep your distance and don't speak to him. If he tries to speak or make passes, just tell him to stop and tell him you need some space and time. Be stern and strong. This is the only way to get him back.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Thank you Kevin! Its been a few weeks since I posted this and I just now seen it. I had it in my head that I'd talk to him and I did and we both agreed not to do anything anymore. It wasn't just a few days of me having limited contact that he started doing it again. I'm ashamed to say I give in. We broke up once before and were fwb and got back together. I guess I was hoping for the same outcome. I am ashamed of myself and absolutely not doing it anymore. I'm gonna start the limited contact and keep it that way. I do have a question. Why is it that he asks me quite often if I'm talking or seeing anyone but yet has told me that I need to find somebody who makes me happy?

      Reply
  • Angela

    Hi,
    I was dating my ex for 3 years in which we had lots of ups and downs. Towards the end, I was not attracted to him and also felt he was prioritising work and family, so broke it off. He tried after our break up to get back but I was hurting. After a year, we got back in touch and planned a friend holiday and he started casual dating . I didn't expect it but that is making me question whether I have feelings as we have a great time together. Can u guide how to know if I'm over it or if I should try get back. We discussed it but he felt he was too hurt but still feels I'm his best friend.
    Much thanks,
    A

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Angela,

      Just tell him that you are confused about how you feel and take things slow. If after 2-3 months of dating, you don't feel attracted to him and are still unsure, then talk about getting back together.

      Reply
  • Ben

    I was dumped almost two weeks ago by the first girl I ever fell in love with. I was the first boy she ever fell in love with, too. We moved out of home together and had lived together for three years. One week after she broke up with me I found out that she was already starting a new relationship. We were still living comfortably in the same house until then. I became extremely distraught and desperate. I fled home and in the next few days sent her many desperate texts and messages and cried in her presence twice while trying to be mature. She dumped me because I emotionally cheated on her by flirting online with other girls. I hate myself for it. I want to know if this new relationship is a rebound and if my desperate reactions over the course of three days will make it harder for me to win her back, if that is at all possible. Do you think she still loves me at all despite what I did to her?

    Reply
  • Emma

    Hi Kevin
    I was with my ex for 5 years, we spilt up 3 years ago, we have stayed in constant contact with each other and became the best of friends. I unfortunately moved on after a year of the break up, but still was friends with my ex. My ex hadn't moved on and made it clear he wanted me back. SO I decided I would take the plunge and finish with my current boyfriend to get back with my ex, unfortunately my ex was getting frustrated as it was taking so long, and sent me a shitty email. I planned to meet up with his to discuss, but couldn't be for 3 weeks as i travel with work. when I got back from my work trip I contacted him to arrange a time and he informed me he had met someone else!!! I was in total shock and felt devastated, he could wait 3 years but not 3 weeks.....it doesn't make sense! what shall I do? is there any hope for us? Now I am single, totally in love with me ex, but he now doesn't want me!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Emma,

      It"s possible that his new relationship is not a rebound and he has truly moved on. Maybe he was going out with that girl for a while and when you told him you want to get back together he decided to tell you that he has a new girlfriend. Unfortunately there is nothing much you can do right now except no contact and healing. If after a couple of months you still want him back, contact him.

      Reply
  • Mary

    Hi! I nees your advice please.

    Me and my ex broke up 6 months already. I havent contact him since our break up i follow the NC until now I blocked him on facebook and intsagram. But we have a group of friends. I heard that my ex's courting someone for about 2 months. I thought I moved on but I can feel the pain again. Our friends asked me if i still love him I reply them "Nope, Im done with him". But i realized that I still love him so much. What should i do? Please help me thank you in advance!

    Reply
  • Rachel

    Hi Kevin,

    During no contact, if you're still friends on facebook/have them on snapchat is it ok if they look at your posts?

    Reply
  • Lou

    Hi! I greatly appreciate this post. It's exactly what I'm going through right now. So here's my story:

    I just recently came from a breakup. But I can't really be sure if it's a breakup since there was never actually an us. I mean, we were not officially together. We labeled ourselves as best friends. So this guy was a friend of mine years back when we were in 1st yr in college. He was just a typical friend of mine. We were friends for a year since I transferred school. Ever since I transferred, we never got to see and talk to each other anymore. That was in 2012.

    Came Nov 2015, all of a sudden we started chatting. We haven't talked for 3 years since 2012 so we were really just excited talking to each other again. Our friendship went back again and the longer we conversed, the deeper our connection got. We communicated through texts, calls and fb chat. Since then, we became officially best friends. We also got to hang out for us to see each other, which I think made us closer even more. This all happened from Nov 2015 to Jan 2016. Jan 2016 was the last time I saw him in person. Apparently, due to our closeness, we know we both had feelings for each other but the problem is that no one between us dared to open about it.

    I remember in Jan 2016 he asked me to hang out with him again. So we went to see movies and went to a theme park. I remember days before he told me how he was longing to have a girlfriend. And I believe that there was a hidden message in it. Its like he's trying to tell me that he wants me to be his girlfriend.

    Came Jan 19 when we went out, that's the time his interest in me was really obvious. He took a risk by holding my hand for the first time during the movie. When we went to the theme park, he hugged me on my waist from the back which I think is really really sweet and I miss that so bad. So the day ended and he dropped me off at a mall. Because of what happened throughout the day, I became really shy and speechless. I just hugged him and thanked him for the time he spent with me.

    The next day, we texted as usual. The days after that became a little awkward. Since we were texting but none of us again dared to open up about the recent hangout. I didn't say anything because I was expecting him to talk about it first since he's the one who first showed interest in me. But unfortunately, he didn't talk about it. As more days pass, our communication were not constant anymore. We used to talk day and night through texts and fb chats. But this time, we barely text each other until the day came when we did stop talking. I was so clueless as to why he stopped texting me like he used to. I know it was because things were going awkward between us. Since then, we didn't communicate anymore.

    Then came Feb 14 which is Valentine's Day. I was doing my school project and as soon as I opened my facebook, BAM! He got a new picture with his new girl captioned "Life Companion". Like everyone else, my hear shattered to pieces for the very first time. Since it was him I fell in love with the first time. My head was filled with thoughts and questions, mixed with different emotions. I cried of course. But after crying, I decided to message him instead. I told him that I was happy he met someone else, that he no longer needs to be sad since his longingness for a relationship has been fulfilled. I was also sorry that I didn't give that to him- that relationship he wanted from me. The reason for this is because that day I was just speechless of what happened but I was really happy deep inside. As a first timer, things like these happen. And I waited for him to speak up but we didn't talk about it. He actually replied, which just means we still remain as best friends.

    Since then we didn't communicate again until Mar 26. On Mar 26 he suddenly messaged me, sharing his story regarding the issue he's been facing at the office and he asked how my week went. I replied of course like a typical best friend. We got to chat again for like 5 mins. And then there it stopped again. Since Mar 26 until now, we still haven't communicated.

    I stalked his new girl's facebook twice. The first time I checked it, there were no posts so I assumed her profile must be private (since were not facebook friends). Then the second time I checked, I saw an album full of pictures of both of them with their friends hanging out at the same theme park where we hung out months ago. They seem or look happy though. But I still don't know if he's really over me.

    Our status as of now is that we're friends. I don't know if he still considers me to be his best friend though but whatever we're friends. But we don't anymore communicate like we used to. Is there by any chance this new relationship of his could be an example of a rebound? Is he really over me or has he moved on? Because in my case, I'm in the process of moving on. I'm trying to focus on other things but when I'm alone, I usually think of him and our happy moments-especially that day on Jan 19.

    Oh I forgot, the last time we talked which was days ago, his last message was about telling me I should enjoy life and he sends goodluck to my studies since I'm about to graduate really soon. He also mentioned that we haven't talked for a while. What could this mean? Does he still care about me? Is his new girl a rebound? Please help :(

    Reply
  • Karina

    Hi Kevin,

    I broke up with my ex 3 months ago because he started flirting/texting with this grl he works with. He started to act weird and I saw texts that were inappropriate, he basically emotionally cheated on me. I ended it but still wanted him, tried getting him back, but he didn't want to. We still kept talking for a few weeks after and I confronted him about going to this concert with that grl he was talking to. We got into a fight and I ended it with lose my number.. never want to talk to you. Two weeks later he texts me this long thing about clearing up stuff, telling me he didn't cheat on me, and how he pursued a relationship with the grl he was talking to and blamed me on why we broke up and said he still wanted to be friends.. I never responded.. Its been almost two months and hes still with this grl I think, im not 100% sure, haven't heard anything from him.. but I feel like I want to talk to him again.. I just don't know what to say, or if its even worth it..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If it's been two months of no contact, you should contact him. If it doesn't work out, you'll know it's over and you will be able to move on.

      Reply
  • Jim

    We broke up with my girlfriend about 8 months ago. She wanted to leave the relationship and in the end I had no choice than to agree to the break up (she thought then it was mutual). We were together for 4 years. We are both over 20 years old. She was an exhange student in another country and during this period of few months she said she doesn't love me in the same way as she used to. There was no other guy in the picture then.

    I cried a lot and acted desperate, i just wanted her back. I failed a lot because I became so needy and asked many times does she have any feelings and does she miss me...
    After our break up she said she still has feelings towards me. She said things like "i dont think its impossible that we would be together again in the future". It felt like she would want a break and see how things will go after that.

    I went nc for 2 months after break up. Then we met in the summer at friends party. She wanted to meet me someday. We were talking casually and she was very very emotional. We talked for 3 hours. She told me that she had crushed on a german guy when she was an exchange student in sweden. She said she knew he liked her. and the guy listened to her about the break up etc..... Isn't this a sign of rebound haha?

    I was also hanging up with another girl in the summer. We added pictures to instagram but not about ourselves. My exs friend had noticed this and told to her. My ex asked about this girl when we met after break up. I just said we are just friends. Afterall I couldnt be with this girl because I felt so bad. I had just seen my ex and my head was just messed up.

    We went to our homes after that meeting. Before I were going to sleep, I said I will be always there for her. During night she was rushed to hospital because she had fainted many times at home. The weird thing was that I saw a dream about this. Exact thing happened. I guess she just had an emotional overload? In the morning when I woke up to go to work I almost threw up after I saw that dream, it was so realistic. Then I checked my phone and she had sent messages what had happened. I went to see her after work.

    We saw couple of times after this and everything was fine. I even bought her flowers and chocolate on her birthday. I made plans with her father that after she comes home from work i will go there and wish her happy birthday. She was amazed how I suddenly appeared there and nearly kissed me.

    One day when we were partying together she started to hold my hand and call me honey, my love etc.... it ended up having sex at her place. Then the next day she cries that she doesnt have any feelings towards me. We met like 2 times after that and then I said I cant be her friend. She was totally devastated because of this and asked who will be there for her then?

    And again after 2 months we met at school. Now she seems like a cold person and acts like she is over me. Anyway, she came to see my new apartment and we talked about casual things again. After her visit she hoped that she wouldnt make me more hurt by this...

    Now strange things started to happen. Friend of my ex invited me to her party. We had a fun night there but I noticed my ex was laughing a little bit too much and tried to laugh out loud. It felt like she is trying to show me that she is doing better. Next day I heard my ex had asked from her friend that do I know that my ex is going to germany to meet her exchange student friends and THAT GUY, most likely.

    At that day we talked with her in skype. I even asked if she was trying to make me jealous and put up my evidence in front of her (even friend of her didnt understand her behaviour). She denied everything and got a bit upset. Said if I act like this she will not talk to me.

    We got closure on some things. She was quite emotional and said I was a good guy but the problems became too much in her mind. These were for example doing the dishes etc... stuff like this. Its easily fixable but I cant understand why she didnt want it.. (After the break up she didnt see a reason to continue our relationship). Anyway, we talked for 2 hours and had fun. We both smiled and laughed a lot when we were thinking our memories..

    The next day I felt that my lifepower was so drained. I had to make a hard decision again and I wrote her a text.
    I said " I should have said this earlier but I respect your decision to pursue your dreams and goals that you want to achieve. You know that you are important for me and I appreciate you but I think that we cant be friends in a normal way before I can be a complete person again.

    I did this because I want to continue my life and forget her. But leave hope for the future we will talk someday again, maybe.

    I dont want to see her with another guy and this hurts me. She already went to visit the guy in another country.

    Any chance to get her back even though i have been acting so stupid? We had a great relationship but in the end it was too hard for her to talk about our problems.

    Reply
  • Hannah

    Hi Kevin,
    So me and my ex were together for 5 years, we had a child and were quite happy. But one thing after another happened, i got depression and his family left him, alot of pressure was added to the relationship so it ended, we have been broken up for 14 months now. He has slept with 2 people since then and has his eye on a girl but not in a relationship yet. He only remembers us fighting in our relationship and not all the good times we had, i did the no contact thing and have now said to be just friends to work at getting him to see we did and still can get along without fighting, Iv spent the last year improving on my mental health and myself and have made huge changes which everyone can see. But i still miss him so much. I dont know how he feels about me, i mentioned the being friends and he came over that night and tried to sleep with me again saying he wants to know what it feels like. Im so confused. Does he still like me or is he in two minds of his own weather to move on with this girl or try with me. He keeps saying we wont get back together so iv dropped the idea all together and since trying to build a friendship for our daughters sake he has become a little more interested. I want to know if he is just using me or if there is something still there and i have to just be patient and show him who i am now. I used to be happy and confident and funny when we first met then went to a dark place and thats all he sees anymore is the memory of the darkness. Im trying so hard it kills me when he says about other girls to me but then when he comes and tries to sleep with me i end up so confused. help x

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Hannah,

      Just be yourself and let him slowly see the changes you've made in your life. Don't sleep with him until he commits. He is probably confused about what he wants in life and you should not try to pressure him into something right now. Give him at least a few months to notice the changes in you. Have fun with him and try to enjoy yourself. If after a few months, he doesn't make a move, tell him that you are interested in rekindling the relationship. If he still doesn't want to commit, you should try to move on.

      Reply
    • Hannah

      Thank you, i did end up sleeping with him :( i know i shouldn't have, would i still be able to do everything you said but if he tries again to stand firm and say no? I was just so happy he came round and talked to me my feelings got the better of me but since then we are talking everyday but just as friends as he is interested in another girl but wouldn't get in a relationship with her because of us always fighting :s I don't mind if i have to wait because to me he was the one, we were planning on getting married but then through the stressful times i caught him sending pictures to a girl so kicked him out, he fought for me for a bit but i was to angry but once i calmed down it was to late and he preferred friends. I have fought for him but given up and decided on making a friendship to get him to remember how we are together its just extremely difficult with a daughter and another girl maybe coming in the picture x

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you should still do the same.

      Reply
  • Rooman16

    My ex broke up with me because we didnt talk a lot because i was really busy and when i did i got nervous and its been 6 months i tried to get her back once he was hot for a bit and then went completely cold and say no she is dating someone else now and im pretty sure she knows i still have feelings for her and were in grade 10 and i have two classes with her and i have to sit beside her cuz my classes have a seating plan so i dont know what to do about the NC rule please help

    Reply
  • Melanie

    Hi Kevin
    My ex (22) broke up with me(25) little bit more than 2 month ago. We were together for a bit more than 1.5 years. The breakup came totally out of the blue for me and all he was able to say was that he's not sure anymore and that it has some family reasons (I haven't got the same nationality as him and his parents want him to get a girl like that).
    For the first 4-6 weeks we saw each other every weekend while beeing out and that wasn't really helpful to the situation. So when he left for vacation 4 weeks ago I started NC since we wouldn't be able to bump in to eachother during that time.

    Shortly before he left we went out for a drink and that I could give him his belongings back. That day he told me that he misses and thinks of me a lot but not in the way he thinks he should miss a gf and that he's not over "us" but that he still thinks his decision was the right one otherwise he would have come back to me... But I think even if he thought the decision was wrong he wouldn't just because of the CONSISTENCY.

    So I just ended the 30 days of no contact and did exactly what you wrote in the 5 step plan. I changed a lot about myself and my life... Unfortunately he never contacted me during that time. Do you think that this is a bad sign? what would you do in my situation?

    Thanks in advance Melanie

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should contact him even if he doesn't contact you.

      Reply
    • Melanie

      But since I am not 100% sure that I'm ok with the fact that we might not get back together, should I wait a little more? Do you think there's still hope for us even after what he said and the fact that he didn't contact me?
      Thanks

      Reply
  • ailana

    Hi Kevin,
    My husband and I have a 20 plus year relationship consisting of being best friends (with benefits), having a child, becoming a formal couple then married (9 years total/ 6 married). I know why he left basically and I agree the old relationship needed to change, and it was beginning to,but he felt it was too late and he was tired so he chose to leave. He became interested in someone else before leaving then ended up seeing her ( he says they are only friends who sleep together) and has been seeing her for almost 3 months at least. He says he likes being around her cause she is not smarter than him, she listens to hat he says and doesn't argue back like how things were in our old relationship, I almost feel bad for her. During this time he has never denied me support, be it financial, familial or whatever. I believe its something in between a rebound and a serious relationship partly because I think she may be expecting more than he is likely willing to give, she has a young child and I know my husband does not want to father anyone elses kids, also she is around half his age. I understand he is getting the good feeling being with her that was lacking for a long time in our marriage. I know it could last for ever, I just don't think it will but I'm still not happy about it.

    I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this. I will be attempting no contact after my birthday party he is throwing for me this week before he takes her on a mini trip for the weekend. Am I being delusional thinking his new relationship will most likely not last? Is it unrealistic to think that I can get my husband back under these circumstances?

    Reply
  • Girly

    I did all the mistakes mentioned above, and even worse; I tried comitting suicide and let my ex boyfriend know about it.
    He told me I was obssessed and the suicide thing scared him off and that he doesn't think he'll get back with me in the future. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      First of all, don't ever do something like that again. As you have already seen, it doesn't help you get your ex back. And if at any moment you feel suicidal, call suicide hotline. Here's a page with suicide hotline numbers.

      http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

      As for getting him back, read the 5 step plan and follow it.

      Reply
    • ailana

      I just wanted to comment on your suicide attempt, no one is ever worth anything that serious. If that is the path that you felt driven towards, you really should get help to find out why you have such issues within yourself. I have not been suicidal but I sought out help for my internal battles and I pray if you ever feel that urge again, you do the same. Aloha,
      Ailana

      Reply
  • Ella

    So what if he cheated with his new girlfriend on me ( But I didn't know he had a girlfriend). He still wants to be friends and likes me etc. But after his girlfriend found out he suddenly wants to commit to her and she forbids to have contact with me. He didn't block me from anything. Does this mean he completely moved on?

    Reply
  • Julian

    Hey Kevin,

    I have seen many other girls and I have thought that I still want my ex back. Sorry for my long messages. I like to give still a summary and I like to hear is it any change get her back.

    It's been three months since break-up and NC about 1 month now. First she was angry and emotional and right away she start to dating the other guy but still talked bad about girls who might like about me. I tried to convince that everything will change and I love her. She put on the facebook many posts like ''smile through tears'' and other stuff but now she have removed those after my needy action. I made many mistakes. They spend lot of time together and they seem to be in love and she wished me good luck for future.

    Should I wait some time like 3-4 months and apologize my action? Or is it better leave her alone completely (maybe she wants that)? It's very possible that we see each other on the bus someday. Should I be positive and be nice and make jokes (normally I am that kind of) or should I just say hey and keep it calm?

    Reply
  • vic

    Hi Kevin.
    Before I read your article on dis, I had been on a no contact unknowingly, cos I left for school but when I came back she sent me a message on social media apologizing for all the pain she caused me, and dat she wanted us to be just friends. I rejected it nd began to plead with her for us to continue d relationship nd she refused. I think I blew my chance of getting her bk wat do I do?

    Reply
  • Marie

    Hey Kevin,

    I dated someone off and on for 10 years through high school and college. We have been long distance for about 9 of those years. We have been broken up for almost 2 years. We were not on the same page; I wanted to settle down and he did not. I stuck it out even though things were rocky until I learned of a situation he lied to me about, so I ended it.

    Over the past 2 years, we have been in contact and he would take me to dinner etc. He would tell me he wanted a future with me, but he is incapable of a relationship right now. He has been seeing someone new for 4 months. When I questioned this new girl he told me nothing was going on. Then I saw a picture of the two of them last month and I called him out on it and he told me it's complicated and they are not serious. I let my emotions get the best of me and I contacted the new girl telling her that my ex tried to see me in May (which is true). Ironically, after I contacted her they made it official. Now, they seem to be connected at the hip and he told me to move on, let this go and if we come back to each other then we know it's meant to be. It has only been 2 days since we last spoke, but I am starting the NC now. What is your take on his new relationship? Is it a rebound, that has turned serious? Why would he lie for months about her? I have been putting myself out there and going on dates, but I am scared my feelings are still very strong for him.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Marie,

      It could be a rebound. This is what happens with rebounds. If you try to break them up, they try harder to make it work. He was lying about it because he didn't want to lose you and didn't want you to move on. There's still a good chance it'll end. Continue with NC. It'll definitely help.

      Reply
    • Marie

      Thanks Kevin. I appreciate your advice. I do think at first he lied so he wouldn't lose me. The last few times we spoke (before NC) he told me to move on. I was agreeable. What is your take is on him telling me to move on now? As far as NC goes, what should be my game plan?

      Reply
  • Stacy

    Hey Kevin, thanks for the advice so far.
    My ex and I have been broken up for about four months now. Right after we broke up he went straight into a relationship with another girl which ended a few weeks ago. I found out a few days ago that there was another girl involved. He was seeing these two girls at the same time. However I heard from a friend that he isn't seeing the second one anymore but they are close friends, but another friend told me they might still be together but he's not sure.

    Do you think its a rebound or is it possible that he might actually become serious about this second girl?

    Reply
  • Julian

    Last week I saw my ex and her boyfriend walking and holding hands in a shopping mall near where I live. It has nothing to do with me because my ex goes from work to home subway there. I got emotional and walked past them and I said "is it possible" or something like that. My ex said "what do you mean?" I just walked away. One of the mutual friends told me that they spent a lot of time together.

    In the relationship I was cold and didn't gave enough love. My ex was sad because she didn't got what she wanted from me and she felt outsider in my life. After break-up this two months I have been so emotional and push her away from me and I was not at all rational and now I see what I should have done. I still can't believe what happened. Before I was the one who always make the decisions now everything chanced maybe it's what I deserved after cheating and other things. It feels weird that she loves the other guy so fast and it's feel more weird if she doesn't have any feelings for me. One month ago I saw her eyes that she was sad and cried and she wished nice summer but after that she have been very cold. The new guy is more muscular and more manlier and more charismatic than me but somehow I know that he isn't my ex style. But that doesn't help if she doesn't miss me at all. All the signs and acts are so obvious now that she doesn't want me back and doesn't like me anymore. We are still friends in facebook so maybe one day when I hopefully get beautiful girlfriend she thinks me. But I don't want to hurt any one and there have to be some feelings. People always earlier said that we are most positive persons and our children would be so cute. It have been therapeutic to write here and I have to say thank you very much.

    Reply
  • Neil

    Hi Kevin ,my case is very different,v were in relation from almost 4 yrs in which we were best buddies before that 4 yrs means frm last 8 yrs v knws each other,v met on orkut,i hd gf that time, i used to share evry single thing abt my relation to her,then she started falling for me,she proposed me, i said no,cz i wanted 2 be her best frnd only n i was loyal wid my that another gf,still she wanted me,so every time she used to make me feel n total 13 times she proposed me,der was sum other rsn of family issue thats why also i never wanted to mess my best frndshp,then i had to ignore her bcz of her behavior,then she got bf in college,but unable to b hapy then she msged me to she want to get rid off that guy, i helped her,till time my another gf cheated me i was so depressed,in that time,my this gf started taking care of me n i falled for her,v came in relation,it was good untill she was carefull,

    frm last yr everything started messing coz she unable to give me time & love due to job n i started expecting more cz v used to meet daily,talk daily n now i was crazy for her n day by day everything was stopped,she used to fear me alott coz i slaped her & abused her when i got to know her past relations which i got to know from her fb ids n yahoo chats,I was helpless to be overreated n I apologied for that mistakes,eveytime i used to talk rudely bcz of her no love n no timing policy,last year in one fight I called her home n her dad picked up the call, her dad got to know abt our relation,they checked her mobile n saw my abusive msgs for her family, so she told everything Abt me,n from that time all messed,we used to talk about marriage also but from that day she lost all hopes of marriage n everything, she started giving me very less love,still I managed to get her back,in between of this last 1 yr her parents got 2 know 3-4 times that v r in relation agn,but sumhow she managed that time n sum days i used to make her fall me agn, now from last mnth again sumthing her parents got 2 know n she started ignoring me ,i waited 6 days n asked her rsn on call many times,but every time she refused n ignored me,then on 7th day I went to ask her near her office bus stop, she saw me n started saying go or i will inform my dad,i was shocked with her behavior, she refused to talk, i was clueless i said i will do sucide if u dont talk to me,listen me lets clear but she agn n agn said to go,she even called her mom, n grabbed her cell,n pulled out its battery,ppl started staring at us so i told her lets cross the road n i started moving but till time she taken the help of vehicle & left that place & i started searching where she gone , after some 35 mins i got call from her number & she said talk with my mom,yes she informed her mom that I came to meet her to force her, her mom abused me insulted me, her mom said isnt she told u that she is getting married ...i was like what ??? Hows that possible..I was in shock, her mom started blackmailing me & i never wanted to face this to my family coz my parents are weak by health which my gf was knowing it,i cried alott, used to think agn n agn how this possible,after sum days i again forced myself to ask her coz it was driving me crazy,i tried to catch her many times, infact my one female frnd met her to discuss about how much i love her, my gf cried that time n said even i love him ,my frnd thought she will come back,my frnd after 4 days started calling but she ignored n msged her that i dont wana contact him, i dont wana talk with you n anyome then again i started to go near her office but due to her frnds group never able to meet but one day i able to meet her n i asked politely ki i wanaa talk she refused but i calmly asked then she said ok n then i started telling her how much imp she is for me,i cried very badly in front of her, i fallen in road while walking as i had no energy,but she didnt felt anything for me,i forcefully said her to hug me,she hugged me after lots of begging,she was getting angried only n agn n agn was saying that it is our last meeting & v wil talk but rarely & accept the fact that i am marrying,i asked her abt his husband she refused to talk anything she said i never told u bcz u were in exams n never wanted to give u tensions in exams but mom told you thats why accept the truth & forget me & leave me( i still dont have single proof that its true coz there are loads of things i have seen which indicates she was lieng maybe bcz of parents torture ??? ) then she started using whatsapp(yes i never let her to use whatsapp coz in fb only lots of ppl started proposing her, i always stayed away her from Males bcz i never wanted to loose her anyhow, her past only used to force me to do all things but i never failed in giving love which is most imp), i somehow managed to get her new number of whatsapp & she was shocked by seeing that i got her new number also of whatsapp ..she got to know i am always onlinr then she blocked me by saying her sis got to know v again talking each other, then after sum days she changed her whatsapp status to sad one like killing herself with gun, i was started thinking what shd be happend,n worried so i went to see her agn near her office busstop , i was at long distance but she saw me then i tried to talk with her but she left that place by getting cab n after sum mins agn i got frm her mom n this time her mom very much angried ..n then her dad called me n started blackmailing that v will do police case, thanks to my sis who managed to talked with them ,v thought its over but after 2 days her dad complained to police , police called me once but i ignored the calls,then my phone was off, now v r no more in contact , after some days i started expressing my feelings that how much u cheated me, how much i loved u, u used me like this on whatsapp status n dp on my other numbers then she also changed her status that " u r biggest mistake of my life & i am still paying for it " " you hv no right to judge me " & blocked my other numbers too..then i came here read your all posts, felt better that i have some hopes,i changed my dp to normal one & normal status,but i feels she is moved on,she used to chat on whatsapp for late night with sumone till 2.30am,yes its daily,i have no idea who is he/she but its killing me,she is still online but when v had relation she always used to sleep on 12 am or before only then what is this now, she used to recharge her number every 2 days means she is calling someone also,she blocked my emails ,contacts everything when i tried to send her old memories pics but insted replying she blocked me..n msged me once that i dont want to c u agn, dont interfer in my life or she will complaint to there family again,i have no idea what to do now

    i am ready to do no contact rule but since my case is very different ..do you think will it work ?? What if her mom was right that she is marrying but if its true why she will put such status on whatsapp?when her bf or husband can see it?? I have no idea what is truth n what is lies, but when v had relation she never told abt marriage & but it is also true that she chats 24hrs these days even though she gets tired from office works,if its bf i can get her back with ur help coz i have seen her true love before , you know her love forced me to accept 14th proposal..there r lods of things she did before to express her love..so it is difficult for me to accept that she is same girl who used to force me for marriage,so plz guide me ,what shd I do ? I still have sum hopes n never wanaa giveup unless I get to know she is really happy with her bf/husband, you are the only hope/god/frnd for me now,i will do everything even its painfull to get her back,

    Plz answer this i searched aloot but never able to got answers which are regarding how to behave on whatsapp/social networking sites :

    1)how should I behave on WhatsApp I mean I believe she unblocks me atlst once in a week to check my status n DP ..should I show her I moved on ?
    2)should i keep my own dp wih happy pic ?
    3)what kinda status should i put on whatsapp for same? my current status is : Eat = sleep = rave = repeat
    4)should i show her that i moved on with my career ?
    5)should i show her that i got new gf or sum kinda such girls ?
    6)should i make her jeolous by keeping girls dp with me??
    7) m planning to show her that i am leaving my state should i ?
    8) even she do not unblockes me she can check my status n dp through her frnds number so in that case what to put & what to not ?
    9) how to react on facebook though i belive she have created fb a/c this time again which is not tracable.
    10) i blocked her..should i unblock her? if yes when ?? as i have been accidently unblocked from her whatsapp due to format of her device, so i blocked her before she could.

    Thing is I always used to say u r worst,u did everything bad with me, everything happens bcz of u ,my ex was better than u,I usd to blame her Lott cz seriosly she not even meets me easily, i used to make her feel that dear m ur bf n v r in relation..so she used to say that i will die n you will be happy forever means she wanted me to be happy n if i showed her that i moved on then maybe she will like it coz i always blamed her for every single thing,today I realized how much wrong I did ..but she also knows how much I truly loved her n how much mad I was for her..she knows everything that I will never hate her, yes never..which I proved even after my police case incident ..by texting that how much I love her ..n how much I care for her..plz kevin ..this is almost 25 days gone without her..my frnd saw her near one hospital so I worried n msged her by taking risk that what happend tell me I will help you, I am always der for u, but instead replying me she blocked me on gmail ..n that time it was 12 am n she Was online as usual with Sumone with late night . she is proving day by day she don't want me but I don't wanaa loose her, I want to show her I have changed n I wanaa give her every piece of happiness , please help what should I do ! the guys with whom she is chatting is grabbing her from me, i can see that she is not sleeping also for chatting which never happened with me before,if its true, how she will miss me ?? when her new bf or sumone is not letting her to miss me anymore...Only her late night online whstapp freaks my mind badly ..I goes mad..n I can't msg her also coz she can complaint to her pshycho parents & they can do anything to me, ( i really have no idea whether she said atleast once to her parents that she also wants me or not) , I can't even express my feelings anymore bcz of her blackmailings ..plz help Kevin,I admit that I was over possesive for her,not only whatsapp but she recharged for calling pack,she also used to recharge within every 2 or single day, which indicates that she is really moved on & loving someone..but i dont know whether he is new bf or her upcoming husband,she is not keeping any status but used to change dp with happy faces, i cries every single day, i pray for her ,i am still crying while writing,i have no single frnd in my life cz i was so envolved in her, she was my day n night,she was my everything, its killing me that how she forgotten me easily,its all about 8 yrs she is everywhere for me,

    one incident also happnd that she used my route & by bus to go one station which was very weird,coz route to go stn was different in her ares but still choosen my bus which goes from my home road..my sis saw her n asked her y ur here,she fears alott, she was on call that time with heavily makeup...so i alwys thinks that maybe she might felt that i will see her in same route,maybe she also miss me? i never seen her roaming anywhere,but what she do is only whatsapp & calling.plz help kevin, u r the only hope now,i dont wana move on,i want to grow only with her, my age is 24 n her 23, we lives in india,today she enjoing her life allott by making me forever alone, i will never able to love agn anymore now, i will never marry any other girl, i also blocked her just for doing no contact but i dont think there is use anymore, plz be my god n help me, m ready to do every single step..

    Reply
  • Jim

    So my I hastily asked my ex to try again and he said no and he doesnt think we can be friends either. Hurt me quite a lot and I gave up all hope on him. He told me he was scared because he still has negative association. I told him I would text him on his Birthday. This was yesterday. Now I text hey happy birthday. Sorry its late I was at work all day. Hope you have had a lovely day and have a lovely holiday next week. He replied immediately saying thanks. I said your welcome and then immediately he replied "Lets meet up when I come back from my holiday..." Now this brought on shock, nervousness, horror, happiness and excitement all at once. My mum said from day 1 that he will be back after his holiday. everything my mum predicted has come true so far. I'm hoping he wants to meet so we can move forward as I dont see no point in meeting to be negative. I am just so nervous but again I am so excited. I am having a lot of doubts about whether we will go back to how we were or whats gonna happen or whether my guilty conscience will drag me down again. But I want to start a complete fresh start and have our relationship built on trust and honesty. Also taking it slow as we were so intense before and literally was with each other every day. Ill keep you posted how it goes in 2 weeks time but thank you again for helping me get back to me :)
    For anyone doubting their situation like I did. It is not the end of the world and even if they are with someone else. Patience surely is a virtue. Remember "Anything could happen" stay happy stay strong and dont let your ex rule your life no matter how much you love them.

    Reply
  • glorious

    dear kevin
    you helped me alot for getting back my boy!thanks

    Reply
  • Julian

    I hope that you can give your opinion in the last message. It's very important for me.

    Reply
  • janelle

    Me and my bf dated 6 months. We broke up because another girl had taken me out and I lied about it. I never cheated or anything like that but he was too upset to stay together. For the first 2 months after the breakup we were still seeing each other as we had no choice because we were in the same college in the same class so he put matters aside and we still had sex and did couple things. After the 2 months he asked for space when school got out and I cried chased him and acted so clingy and needed toward him that it pushed him away more. Seeing that I went the NC route for 3-4 weeks. He contacted me after 3-4 weeks had past for my birthday and took me out. We had a great time he even kissed me and told me he missed me and then a few days later I found out he had been talking to someone else over the NC period. They are not in a relationship but they have gotten close and are getting to know each other. I was angry when I found out because he told me before no contact that he just needed time and space that he wouldnt talk to anyone else and he still loved and cared about me. It was obvious he did because he took me out at the end of May for my bday and even kissed me and showed he cared. When i found out about the other girl i asked him about it and said I was confused because he had just saw me and kissed me and things felt so right. After we talked he told me he was done with me and now he doesnt want any contact or cant be my friend. He is still easy to reach. I havent been blocked from any networks although I was unfriended. What should I do? He was head over heels for me and he contacted me a few days ago and told me he was thinking about me and always will but he seems very cold and distant with no emotion in his voice whatsoever but after he told me he was done then he says if I ever need anything hes hear for me always no matter what.... im so confused.... is this really the end for us?

    Reply
    • janelle

      I know he doesnt want to see me because I am his weakness and he cant be around me without wanting to be more with me so hes trying to move on with someone else and not see me or be my friend.... what do you recommend? I am confident that those feelings will always be there with him when it comes to me... he just feels like im a distraction in his life because I take away his focus on important things.... but him telling me hes done he sounded pretty serious and cold and distant but then still offered to be there for me if I ever needed anything. Hes catching feelings for another girl but i know he still has feelings for me and it seems he wants to move on and not see me or really talk to me....what should I do? Is he worth fighting for? I have been following your good friend Jason's rewind advice
      but it seems I am in the death door....help! Please! Trust is what's keeping us apart and now he seems as if he found someone new worth moving on with even though they arent in a relationship. Hes interested in her and hes saying hes done with me but still cant find away to be my friend....sorry its so lengthy!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Janelle,

      Follow the advice in death's door. It's great for your situation. However, you should also consider the possibility of moving on. Go out on dates and perhaps even start a new relationship before contacting him again.

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hi,

    Can you say what is your opinion in my situation? All the signs look like to me she is moving on and is in love this guy and forgot me but it's hard to accept after that how deeply she was in love with me and how much she missed me like 6 weeks ago (before break-up) and after that she doesn't said even once that she missed me but she was angry for me but now she is nothing except cried the last time we saw almost two weeks ago. I know that I can be better boyfriend but all the post break-up stuff I have made badly and all the mistakes I made are not good. In the relationship I didn't bring enough security because she wanted to plan everything like marriage and kids but I didn't wanted to plan that yet I just wanted to live in the moment. But in the letter I wrote after break-up I said that I wanted family with you but she didn't say anything about that. We have could be perfect couple together if I have known all the things I know now that's why it hurts much. If I had this feelings for her everything have gone different but it's too late like my ex said after break-up :/ after break-up I said that I don't want that they see each other and she got angry and said I thought that one day we can be together but not anymore.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Julian,

      I think your ex is in a rebound. And it will end soon. However, I can't say after how long. You still haven't applied no contact. So you should do that. At least for 2-3 months. You can't control what will happen with her and the new guy. So stop worrying about that. Instead, concentrate on yourself more.

      Reply
    • Julian

      Hey,

      I have been nc now almost week now and timeline in my messages wasn't right. Right after break-up she said those things what were in my last messages to you (angry behavior) Last contact was when I wished good for future her and she texted same for me. It's nice to hear that maybe it's rebound but it's hard to believe because in the last contacts she was cold or didn't answer for me or answered lot later.

      Reply
  • Evie

    Hi Kevin
    Me and my boyfriend were together for a year and a half and he just brakes up with me to get with this other girl. The bad thing is every time I see them I what to say some but it might ruin my chances of every getting back with him or us just been friends. Can you give me some advice please

    Reply
  • kelly M

    Hey kevin

    I can't see my comment.

    Reply
  • kelly M

    Hi Kevin...
    Thanks for your articles they really make your reflect on things from a different perspective.

    I just hv one question I had a relationship with a guy over 2yrs ago. I broke up with him over something stupid. However I did the no contact thing even erased his number. But every year just when I think yep im good and he is nowhere on my mind he will text me. I did once admit my breaking up with him was probably a mistake but he was not keen on saying whether we could work something out.

    The most confusing thing is that he text me out of the blue. Asking me how im doing its been.
    Recently he texted yet this person says he has a gf. What does this mean?

    Did the NC thing but he texted about something from awhile back. What does he want? Could u perhaps shed some light?

    Reply
  • Crystal

    Hello,
    I have a very complicated situation and I am hoping that maybe you can help me out. I will try to keep it as short as possible.

    My ex boyfriend and I dated for over 2 years. I ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant because I had suspicion of him cheating on me..Sure enough, my suspicions were right..He ended up getting into a relationship with the girl that I thought he was cheating with within two weeks of us breaking up, although he swears that he never cheated.
    We have been broken up for about 4 months now. He moved this girl into the home that we shared within two weeks of dating her. They are still together, but...
    Our son is now 6 weeks old, and for the last 6 to 8 weeks, he has been telling e how unhappy he is, he still loves me, etc,etc,etc
    I finally told him that if he left her, I would give him another chance and he said thats exactly what he was going to do..We have kissed, sent numerous text, and talked behind her back for weeks now, but for some reason he doesn't have the heart to kick her out. He keeps telling me to be patient and he loves me, but honestly, I am starting to feel used at this point and I feel like he is just trying to prevent me from moving on.\

    If he loved me that much, then why is it taking so long for him to break up with her? I just don't understand!

    In any case, I ended up telling him that I wanted no more contact and I was moving on with my life because I feel like he has had long enough and I am tired of waiting and hurting. Was that the right thing to say? I am afraid that maybe it will push him closer to her because he is upset about me not talking to him anymore
    I do want to be with him, but I am just tired if sharing with with her, and I am ready to find peace again, even if it's without him.

    Any advice...Please help!!
    Thank you! :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It was definitely the right thing to do. If he meant what he said, then he will break up with her and reach out to you. If he doesn't, that means he was just using you, in which case, you are better off without him.

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hey,

    she just texted me ''thanks for your message, I wish nothing but good and good luck for your life''. It takes like 30 hours after my last message I don't what that means, but I go now to NC again and hope that their relationship don't work.

    Reply
  • Julian

    Hey,

    I have to say still this things for you. My family thinks that my ex still have feelings me and my brother said two days ago you can call her and ask what are their situation but she didn't asnwer but she texted me ''you called me have you something to say?'' I know I shouldn't called to her and I thought what I should to text so just think something not so serious. I said that my brothers baby make funny noise and maybe you wanted to hear it and I have nothing else. She didn't answer that.

    Yesterday I was eating in the hospitals restaurant and I saw that guy again. I asked to have lunch with me and I was polite and friendly and said that it was good thing that we broke up because I wasn't best boyfriend but I also said that I was a little disappointed what he did but I wasn't too sad about it. He said sorry what happened and I somehow felt good about it. We talked then about different things like hobbies. I don't know is he my ex type but I must say he is some kind of alpha male but he didn't smile so much than me and maybe isn't so alive person. But I feel that they are serious in relationship. I texted later to my ex that I ate with him and I'm happy for you that you have man who threat you good and hopefully you are doing great now and in the future. She didn't answer that either. Maybe she sees what I'm doing and knows that I have feelings for her and try to make me angry for her and leaver her alone. Now I can't do anything but I will meet other girls on date but it doesn't feel right. I feel like part of my is there where she is. I'm always make it through in mostly things what I wanted but in this kind of situation I made myself needy person. That is weird why she can't just say all the best for you also but just stop contact me. She just ignores me. It's been too long what I tried to do and it makes me feel bad about myself.

    Reply
  • Amanda

    Kevin,

    Your articles have been really helpful. My bf of 9 months left me just 3 days ago. I of course was a sobbing begging mess on the phone when he did it but since then I have had NO contact with him. Should I say that is the start of the 30 days or start it at a later date? I am in the process of working on me. Got my gym membership and have friends who are offering to be my gym buddy so when the texting phase comes around and I use the thanking him for what he did line you mentioned could I slightly brag about my weight loss or just WOW him if I get the chance to see him? What should I do if he asks for a pic before we meet? Again, I love these articles! Thank you!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You no contact started when you last contacted him. I like the idea of you wowing him better than telling him over texts.

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hey,

    I blew everything maybe. Today I was eating lunch in my hospital restaurant and that ex's new guy was eating there also. I couldn't control myself and I said to him that I was disappointed that he didn't ask me permission to see my ex but in the end I said all the best for you. He was calm and didn't seem like he was any kind of sorry for me. I don't know what my ex see this guy I think I'm better looking and smarter than him but I know he seem like more manly than me and he is two years older. After work I make another mistake I called my ex and said what happened and I said I have something that I want to give her (it is romantic book "the notebook" where you replaced some pages in own words. That in some websites recommended to give ex if you want her back) she said not tonight and someday it's okay. She also congratulate me on the phone and said that she didn't know was good idea to say that earlier. She doesn't know what that gift is. But I know that it's over there's nothing I can't do but usually I think that everything is possible and I'm not a person who gives up but I have done so many mistakes in relationship and after that. It hurts so much letting go so beautiful girl but if I don't quit everyone thinks i'm insane. This break-up made me so weak and maybe it's best that I don't give her that book and don't answer to her? In the websites there's said that book it's so powerful and you have to be sure that you want your ex back if you give it. If she loves me she doesn't act like this but I know that she enjoys this situation. Somehow I feel that this is some kind of revenge but there is something more in their relationship.

    Thank you Kevin! You seem like nice person and you do important work.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Julian,

      I don't think you blew everything. You still have a chance. Although, I won't recommend giving her a gift. At least not until you are on the verge of getting back together.

      Reply
  • Amanda

    Hi Kevin,
    I could really use advice right now. I'm currently following the 5 step plan and right now, we're not speaking to each other because we both need our space. I agree and time away from him has really helped me but I'm concerned that if I go 30 days with no contact, he'll foget me.

    Reply
  • Julian

    Hey Kevin,

    It's me again and thank you very much for your answers. I graduate this week from my school and my ex-girlfriend didn't congratulate me so I was thinking is she mad because I didn't answer her last text message or maybe she is moving on. Her mother send me today text message where she said something like ''congratulations and all the best for future'' best regards she and her son (ex's brother). I know that they have talked together with ex-girlfriend that I graduate but it's strange that she didn't say anything.

    I forgot to say earlier that the last time we spoke long on the phone (like two weeks ago) I told her that she is so beautiful and other praises and she didn't say anything good about me and something she said like she have seen that I have changed but she haven't changed and doesn't want me back. I have feeling in my gut that she likes more about that new dude than me and I should move on and forgot her. She is so nice and beautiful person and it's very hard to forgot everything. I have make some mistakes and I know that she deserves better treatment. It hurts so much to think that she is with that guy and it's hard for me that I will see that guy this summer because we are working in the same hospital. I hate to be jealous and feel like this. It hurts so much also that the guy didn't respect me and ask is it okay that they see each other because we were some kind of friends.

    Reply
  • Sam

    I am going to try to keep this short. Also i want to say in advance that english is not my native language.

    I am 19 years old and was togheter with my girlfriend for almost 6 years. We broke up 3 weeks ago because she was not attracted to me anymore. We had some fights and also I got very needy and jealous. I started NC but after 2 weeks I contacted her again because I wanted to be at least friends before we go on a vacation with friends.

    Then I found out that she has already slept with a "friend" of mine. He started to bully me with pictures etc. I cancelled the vacation with them and I told my ex that I was not happy with the way she handled things after the break up.

    Now everything sounds very negative about my ex but she is a nice girl. I am honestly very surprised that she acting this way. I am wondering if there is any change that we can get back togheter or at least be friends.

    Reply
  • Jose

    Hi. My ex and I have been separated for over 4 yrs. we remained friends because of our son. He lives up country but come to visit and stays. Neither of us have had a new relationship in this time. Recently he told me he has met somebody online and is considering meeting. This threw up all kinds of feelings as I explained I been chatting to somebody too. He goes quite now every time I look at phone and says "is that him". He came and got into bed with me and we have been kissing and cuddling in bed. He is not prepared to stop chatting to this girl. He has always rung to speak to our son a couple of times a week and we have always spoken for about 15 to 20 mins as well. We have always text each other. Do you still advise no contact or something else as not sure if he wants me back or he just doesn't want anybody else to have me?!

    Reply
  • Jim

    Major revelation! So the new guy i'm talking to keeps telling me that my ex is messaging him so I went to my ex's work with the intention of giving him the chance to tell me whats going on before I blocked him. We laughed we cried and he told me the real reason he left me. He sacrificed his love for me so I could get better again as I was going through depression and in his eyes he felt he was causing it. We had a right laugh and flirted a little showing our tan lines and it seemed he didnt want me to leave. He told me I was the best thing thats ever happened to him. I was confident happy and he saw that in me. We left each other at the station after he finished work and I got home. My battery had died and when I charged it he had text me an hour before. We chatted all night and he even asked me to say hello to my mum. Yesterday he didnt message and neither did I. I did ask him to go for a coffee but he said I dont know right now it has shook him up seeing me as it brought all his feelings back. We even hugged goodbye and when he pulled away he was looking at my lips asking if it was a sore on my lip. I text him this morning about sun beds and he replied straight away. We laughed a little but he has gone quiet as I know he is getting ready for work. But he doesnt say take care anymore he just said goodnight. I think this has brought us to become friends again and ive blocked the guy that caused trouble by telling me that my ex is a no good idiot who is jealous and gave me up but dont want me to be with anyone else. I have 10x more respect for my ex after what he did. Now I know the reason why he left me I have much more hope for us. Especially how mature we have both been about it all. Thank you Kevin for getting me through such a hard time, my head is all over the place as i'm nervous about what the future holds for me and my ex but it looks promising.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jim,

      I am sure future will only bring you happiness.

      Reply
    • jim

      Thanks Kevin,
      Do you think there is a lot of hope now the true reason for leaving me has come out?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, chances are definitely better than before.

      Reply
    • Jim

      Think I made an error. After him telling me all that stuff we chatted but I kept initiating and he kept minimal contact. He then told me he couldnt meet for a coffee this week as he was swamped. So I text with advice from my mum to tell him I would like to know whether we could start a fresh or just stay friends and he has ignored me. I told him I will respect his decision I just feel like I am in Limbo and would like to know where we stand. Obviously its been like a day since and I do not plan on contacting him. Maybe he is really swamped. So do u advice waiting a week and seeing how he feels. I mean I gave him the option and he could have said lets stay friends but he hasnt said anything at all. Makes me think he is having a hard think and is scared it wont work out well. I'm happy with staying friends or dating again I just need to know so I can move forward. Do you think this was a bad idea telling him my feelings? I kinda left him last week with the thought I just want to stay friends but I said I don't want to get years down the line and regretting never saying it.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jim,

      I think it was too soon to ask him. But if he replies and you get your answer and are OK with it, then I guess it's good. For now, don't pressure him for an answer. Let him take his time.

      Reply
  • Lori

    Kevin,
    I broke up with my ex of 7+ years in January because I didn't feel that he was spending enough time with me( I work evenings and he works days so I only have 2 evenings that we can hang out each week.) after the breakup we continued to talk once in a while and thought we could stay friends. A month ago I heard hat he was dating a lady that he had dated in the past. I went to his house and asked him if she was the reason everything went sour for us and he said no, that they recently had crossed paths. He said "I still love you but this is something I want to do. I did not know what to say. We talked a little more about other things and I decided to go. As I walked to the door he grabbed me hugged me very tightly, rubbing my back. He began to cry . I said you need to tell me you don't love me so that I can move on. He. Said "I can tell you what ever you want me to, but that is not how I feel." Kevin, I don't understand. I have been reading your emails and have been no contact since our last visit. What is going on? Is it possible to still get him back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it is possible. He is just in a rebound. You already know what to do.

      Reply
    • Lori

      Kevin after 30 days nc I sent him a text on a rainy day when I knew she was working and he was alone. It said "I was doing some baking this morning. Made me think of you. Actually brought a smile to my face" He did not respond. Have I lost him?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Not necessarily. You can do NC again and try one more time. If still nothing, then you should move on.

      Reply
    • Lori

      Kevin, I had kind of a family emergency a few weeks ago. I was very upset and called him. I left him a message and told him I needed to talk to him as a friend. He called back . We talked and then talked again several times that night. The next day I called to update him. We talked for a bit and then he said " I still love you, but the phone calls and texts make me uncomfortable ." He said " you never know when she will be around and the s%#t would hit the fan if I called or text when she was around . I told him I respected the fact that. I asked him if he thought we would. Ever get back together and he said probably. I made him tell me to get out of his life. The next day. I called him again ( I know , I felt bad about the way I ended things) We talked for a while . I explained that after 8 years this was like a divorce to me. I thought he was starting to yell at me but instead he started bawling and said" do you know what the worst time of my life was? (He was wailing ) my divorce ! I didn't want it ! I didn't want it ! I didn't know what to say. He had never in 8 years talked about the effects of his divorce .
      He then said that his job was very demanding with orders , he was wanting to retire in dec. but couldn't because he couldn't afford to etc. He then mentioned that he hadn't been able to eat since the morning before ( after I made him tell me to get out of his life . ) I wished him the best, and meant it. He said he loved me and we hung up. I started NC again two weeks ago . What do you think I should expect now?

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hey Kevin,

    I wrote my story to you few days ago (May 21). Yesterday I was at the gym which is quite near where me ex lives. I was feeling good so I decided to call my ex and get my last stuff back (I know it’s not what you recommended). She said that she can bring stuff to my place like we agreed earlier but I think that it was better that I took them now. So we met at her place and she cried again and didn’t look happy. I told her that I have seen other girls (mistake?) and she said nice that you live Iike you wanted. I said that was not I wanted. She didn’t ask much about my life but I was friendly and I shake hands when I was leaving. Her hand was so powerless and then we hug twice and she wished me nice summer. Then I left and I went to elevator and her door was still open. I had feeling that she maybe wanted me to stay but she didn’t say anything. Then I went to look a game on the television. Then she texted me two hours later: I guess I just called you by accident. Have a fun game night :) I had not come any incoming calls. Maybe that was an accident and she just wanted to be polite but I’m not sure? I haven’t answered anything to her. Before she texted me I decided start no contact and follow 5 step plan.

    Reply
    • Julian

      Short addition she is emotional and good hearted person so I don't think she is playing any mind games. I have little feeling that maybe she cries also because that she is with that other guy and she feels sorry for me. But it's hard to say whole truth.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think everything went well. Even the part about telling her that you are seeing other girls. Continue with the plan.

      Reply
  • Jim

    Hey Kevin,
    Me again lol! Basically after nearly 3 months being seperated and lots of no contact applied I sent a letter saying that the relationship was not working etc and it was probably for the best so I could get better (I was quite unwell mentally) I didn't receive any reply. Then last friday I text asking to buy a cable off him and he ignored it, i text back saying i am just being friendly. then i text his friend asking if it was too soon for him still. later that night he text me saying hey i think its still too soon to talk on a friends basis, im sorry i hope you understand. I hope you are taking care of yourself. An hour later I replied ok cool, im doing great. Take care, text me when your ready. Im pretty sure that he still wants to be friends otherwise he would of just ignored me completely. Now here comes the confusing part. When we broke up, i was clinging on to him by trying to be him. dressing like him acting like him etc. Now i am my own person and really happy with myself and have met some great guys since then. Now however, it seems he keeps checking my instagram and twitter. Everytime i post something he posts something. So i post going to Nandos for dinner. He posts a few hours later that he has gone to Nandos. He has copied my hairstyle to the point its exactly the same! The type of clothes I wear. The attitude I have. I even put a picture up of me on sunday at 8am of myself laying down saying I was tired and needed more sleep. 8pm that night he put up a picture of himself in the exact same way, saying he was tired and hungover. It is getting completely weird. Everyone keeps telling me he will be back, he is stalking you now. I always get a feeling he is watching me. My mum says he is being consistent with his decision to break up and after his holiday he will come back. My mum is usually not wrong about things. I know his feelings are still there as I can see he is clinging on to me so much and I notice he puts up weird status' now telling everyone he is super strong etc. I am just so confused. People say you need to move on from him but i really have, ive met someone who i really click with and the only thing i dont get is why he is copying me so much when he told me he doesnt want to talk yet. Gay Pride is coming up soon just before his holiday and I know for a fact he will be there even though he hates going. I always tell myself every morning "anything could happen" and it makes me smile. One day we may kick off our relationship again but for right now i just want to stay friends myself. I just am super confused by his actions and whether he is doing all this because he is missing me too much. Im pretty sure the reason he split up with me was because he was scared to lose me as i kept saying i didnt know if i wanted to be with him. Now after no contact i feel like he is scared he is losing me completely and lost control of the post breakup "competition" whereas I am not competing. My mum has always said that she felt he was jealous of me and that too much jealousy is what created him to act strange and break up. Anyways sorry for the long message I am just so confused with his actions and needed to express them. Any insight would be great.
    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Jim

      Literally an hour after posting this he retweets something I retweeted. He doesn't follow me on twitter anymore and he doesn't follow the competition I retweeted. My notifications pop up saying T...... I..... retweeted your retweet. So he doesn't follow either of us but retweeted the competition by searching me, looking at my tweets and retweeting not realising it comes up as a notification for me. So I know for certain he is still checking up on me. Just before we broke up he said I would never be a doormat for someone its not fair. So I think he is scared to tell me he made a mistake and has to stay consistent. I do want him back but I just want him to stop playing games and tell me what he wants. Everytime I seem to move forward he does something that makes me think he is still caring about me and is struggling to get over me. I'm so confused haha.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You are doing great and you should keep up with your attitude. You are right, he is showing signs that he still has feelings for you. Good luck.

      Reply
    • Jim

      To make things worse he does something again. I have been talking to a guy I really like and planning to meet up at the end of the month. I tweet the guy yesterday as he is going to see a movie I wanna see. Late last night he starts following this guy and replies to a tweet about a movie. The tweet was posted 4 days ago and he just replies. I dont understand his game, he dont want me but dont want me to move on or be with anyone else. Crazy thoughts rush through my mind like is he catfishing me? Is he stalking me? Again I wont rise to it but my mum said that if he carries on this week I should text him and say look I dont know what is going on I can see you keep watching me and I think after your holiday we should meet and talk. Dont know if this is any good advice but i'm going to stay strong and I am not going to use this guy I like as a pawn in me and my ex's relationship. If he wants to keep messaging him I will leave them be and unfollow him. ahh why are relationships so complicated. I'm a man shouldn't I be able to understand other men?! looool

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hey,

    I am 25 and my ex-girlfriend 23 years old. I and my girlfriend were together almost three and half years and I was her first boyfriend. We didn't live together but I was at least every weekend with her. We had some issues and she felt bad, because I didn't show my feelings and I wasn't sure what I felt and sometimes I was unkindly for her but she loved me very much. We had a break last autumn but we got back together. In the beginning of the relationship I cheated her but she forgave that.

    Two months ago we had break three weeks and we supposed think what to do, because everyday life was little bit painful.
    We decided that we can see other people if we want, she told me about one guy who has spoken for her and she asked is it okay for me, I didn't take him as a threat. I wasn't sure what I wanted and then we met and she said that she missed me much but she had decided to break-up. We still had two nights together and we said that we love each other. She asked me have I something to say, but I couldn't say nothing, I am not sure why. There was possibility. Then next day I visited her place and I said that I want be with you, but she said that it is too late and she told me that she is dating that other guy. So I got angry about that and said that if she loves me, then I wished that they are not seeing each other.

    Now it's have been month ago when we break-up. I have been little bit needy and desperate, I wrote two letters and asked like three or four times that give me a chance to prove you that we can be happy together. Her family likes me very much and my also but my father took too much part helping we back together and think it was huge mistake he sent couple of text messages for her and one was angry because of that she is dating that other immediately when we break-up. I have been contact with my ex few times after that and every single time she cries. Last night I asked her go out with me then she called me and we have spoken almost two hours. She said that she doesn't want me back and she is happy to moving on. I asked her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore, because after that I could move on knowing that there is nothing to left but she couldn't say that. She said that feelings just go off and on. I know that she have feelings for that another guy because he was right place when we were at that break and my girlfriend was at the time very sad and he told her she is so beautiful and other stuff. It is sad for me that the other guy was in the same course with me and we became friends (English course :D) and without me they even know each other. She still wants to be some kind of friends with me, we said that we wish nothing but good each other and I wished all the best for her and the other guy. But inside of me I would to anything to get her back. Earlier few months ago she said that I could best father for her children and if she met someone she is afraid that cheat him with me. But when we speak each other I see that something had chance. We supposed to see next week when she will return my last stuff for me. I don't know should I just leave her for good and leave all the hopes. Should I just not answer her when she text when we can see next week? I didn’t know that I take this situation so hard.

    Sorry for my English it’s not my native language and thanks your sites are very helpful.

    Reply
  • Eva

    Okay so my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and I broke up back in December because he found out that I had hooked up with another person when we were taking a break about 8 months prior to him finding out. He and I both wanted to talk through things and figure things out but we did not have much time for us to talk about it before I had to return back to school so we just had to end things. Less than a month later he starts dating a new girl and she makes him block me out of his life from everything (his phone, twitter, Facebook, everything). He has been dating her for about 4 months now and it appears that a lot of the time he just picked up their relationship where ours left off but I don't know. Anyways so recently I have gotten back from school again and we have been secretly hanging out together. The first few times nothing happened but the couple after that we ended up kissing which led to sex. This is while he is still dating the other girl. A few days later he breaks up with his girlfriend and has me come over and spend the night. He also invited me to go spend time with his family the next day but then took it back because he didn't want his family to ask a billion questions about why he's hanging around me again so soon which is understandable. And then the day after that he came to my place and stayed the night, and we made breakfast together the next day. We have had so much fun together since I have been home and now him and his girl friend are broken up. However he has not texted me since before work the day after he spent the night. I'm just wondering what I need to do to get him to see that he still loves me, he has told me he still cares about me but he is just confused about what to do. I know he doesn't want to hurt her but that's just the kind of person he is, I don't know what to do to show him that he still loves me. Give me some advice please!

    Reply
  • Stacy

    Hey Kevin.

    I implemented much of your advice so far and I'm pleased to say that I have made excellent progress with not only regards to my ex but myself.
    So after my ex and I decided that we can be friends we now joke around over texting and laugh and reminisce about old times. However not much in detail. More neutral.
    So after a few days I decided to take the plunge and call him. Straight after the hello how are you pleasantries. I asked him if he will do me a favour and meet up with me. (I had his birthday gift that I needed to give him which I had been saving) he said no, after a little bit of persuasion he said maybe and he will think about it. I accepted it gracefully and cut the call. I didn't make any small talk or was bubbly, just straight and polite. Did I make a mistake about that? (he also asked is I needed to see him today he seemed like he had other plans too)
    Later I messaged him apologizing saying that it was the last thing I needed to do regarding him and he said that asking to meet up with him to gain closure is okay but not to give him any gifts. I told him that the gift was specifically chosen for him and he said that we can talk about it
    I later implemented the "appreciation" texts and he actually apologized for not being around (for everyone who is reading these articles and are still skeptic, believe me it works). Later the jealousy method with a very lukewarm response.

    How do I get him to ensure this meet up. Also I'm always initiating conversation. How do I reverse the roles.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Stacey,

      I am against the idea of giving gifts to an ex unless you are on the verge of getting back together. It conveys a little bit of neediness. But what's done is done. And if you've already told him, you can give it to him. Instead of asking to meet up to give him the gift, you can just ask to catch up for a coffee or use one of the venues relationship rewind suggests. I think that will increase your chances of securing a date. As for reversing the roles, you can just stop texting him for a while. A week or two of no contact can be very helpful.

      Reply
  • Kirsten

    Hi Kevin -

    My Ex-Boyfriend of about a year broke up with me because he said he couldn't handle being in a relationship at that time, (he has a lot of things happening in his life, a lot of sickness within the family, also being in Year 12 and having end of school exams), I know we are young being 18 and in Year 12, but our relationship felt mature, special and real. (Our friendship and relationship combined lasted for a little over 2 years) He fought for me for over a year, we were close friends and initially I didn't feel for him they way he wanted me to, he told me he loved me before we started dating, he told me how much he wanted to be with me and once he even cried literally on my shoulder about it! He also said that he wouldn't give up on me and didn't, he was very persistant I might add (and initially immensely clingy) and I ended up falling for him, (I struggled with depression and he was the one to pull me out of it, I know this sounds cliché but he was my rock) He incessantly promised me that we would be together for a long time, he always talked about wanting to get married and having kids and was really excited about it. Things started to change around the 6 months mark, he started backing off and becoming distant, so the roles changed and I became the clingy one (which was one of the most obvious reasons for the breakup) but he still comforted me with saying that he still loved me, that we wasn't ever going anywhere, and that it would never happen... He convinced me that he was going to be there for me for a long time, so for obvious reasons I was completely and utterly shocked about him wanting to break up. When he told me he wanted to break up, he also told me he still loved me, he kept telling me it wasn't my fault he just needed time to himself, to put himself first and explained that he wasn't able to do that if we were together because he always put me first... I was, to say the least, an emotional wreck, and so couple of days later I went to his house to talk to him and we ended up talking for a couple of hours, I kept saying "So, thats it, I've lost you forever, I'm never going to be with you again..." and his response was "I never said that was going to happen, just for now I can't be with you, I never said I didn't love you." So, you can see where the confusion is coming from right? The mixed signals? Well, that being said, he and this girl (who is/was my closest friend) have been spending so much time together, even while we were dating they were close and I was always jealous of them, but now that we're not together anymore, they're so close they could be sown together and it wouldn't make a difference... She is always over his house and vise versa... (Its been, 3 weeks since we have broken up... Yes, still raw) But what hurts the most is that he told me he still loves me, he even said he still wanted me in his life, he still wanted to see me everyday and to still talk and be friends! But also said that he needed time for himself, yet, he spends all of it with her... I still love him, and want to be with him, but it feels like he is purposely trying to show me that he is moving on, that he doesn't care about me anymore, or that he doesn't miss me, doesn't love me and that he is perfectly ok without me...

    I guess what I am planning to get out of this is your advice/opinion on the matter... Do you think what he told me was just stories to protect my feelings? Do you think we will get back to together (I know it won't happen over night, or even within the next month, but there is still hope right?) I do love him, and I know I can't wait forever, but I am not ready to move on just yet, or give up, not until I know for sure that he never wants to be with me again...

    Reply
  • Melanie

    Hey Kevin,

    It's been pretty hard for me with my ex, I left him back in December and found out I was pregnant with our second child, but even before that I still had feelings for him and I know he did too, well I tried to get our relationship back and everything seemed to be going good but then he started acting weird and not replying to my text messages as much. Weeks later I find out he has a new girlfriend, and trying to cope with all of this is very hard because I'm emotional as it is being pregnant, the 2 have been together now for a month and I'm worried my chances are low, I don't think it's a rebound relationship, but I do know she's not pushing him into anything he doesn't want to do, and she's aware of the second baby on the way, there is no way that I could follow with the no contact period because of the fact that we have a 3 year old daughter. But I have been doing well on not texting him unless it's about our daughter. I'm just wondering if there's any chance of us getting back together even as he has this new girlfriend. I want to give our relationship another chance because yes I do still love him and the reasons I left weren't that bad, but also for our kids. Family is very big for me and I know it is for him too.

    Reply
  • Julianne

    My ex and i finally started talking after 5 months of NC and he is seeing someone else. we talk maybe once a week but i still have feelings for him. We talk as friends, and it is very casual, no flirting or anything.
    We had a complicated break up. He ended up kissing a girl while he was very drunk and told me he didn't even know what was going on. I ended the relationship right away but he also said he couldn't be with me after what happened as he would feel too guilty. We were anyways planning to break up in a month due to distance. (We are in college) He ended up getting with the girl he kissed, but claims to not have had feelings for her when the incident happened. I know deep down he's a really good guy but the circumstances were messed up.
    Now i always see him uploading new pictures of him and her, which is so unlike him. we were together for 3.5 years and didn't feel the need to publicize our relationship. He seems really happy but I wonder if its a rebound. This girl has been his friend since they were around 4 years old, and he had a crush on her when he was younger before he met me. Could it be a rebound? He also told one of my friends recently he had feelings for me. I'm very confused. Could you give me some insight into what you think it is?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Julianne,

      It's hard to say if his new relationship is a rebound since he had crush on the girl for a long time. I think the only way to find out is wait. I'll recommend you give yourself some time limit. How long are you willing to wait for him? If you don't get him back by that time, cut contact from him and move on.

      Reply
  • james

    Hi I went 2 months NC after my gf broken up with me over a rubbish excuse. She has since appears to have a new BF .

    She didnt respond to my text message after NC so I added her on snapchat to which she accepted. She immideatly sent me a snap of herself saying "on way to meet (new bf name here)"

    I snapped back hope your ok to no reply. However over the last few days she has been intereacting with my via the public timeline photos, as soon as I post one she posts one back in relation to what I put, for instance Ill snap my dinner, she then snaps her dinner. What im watching on tv she does the same. She posted up songs saying "I know these lyrics" and its songs about mising someone obv hidden meaning. Then last night she responded more directly I posted up "what shall i watch" and she posted up what I should watch. Feeling good like we were getting some where. The morning after she posts up "off the see (boyfriends name here)" again this time with hearts. Felt like a bit of a dig.

    What would be your advise here? Go no contact and delete her from snapchat.

    Go no contact but keep her added on snapchat ---- view her public timeline snaps yay or nay during this time.

    Or, continue to interact with her on snapchat even though she is clearly playing some weird mind game?

    From what I can make out she only sees then new BF a couple of times a week too which may grow but yeah.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      She is trying to rub it in your face that she has a boyfriend. It's a good thing you are not reacting to it. Keep doing the snapchat thing and text her again after a couple of weeks.

      Reply
    • James

      Hi Kevin a couple of days of writing the message I continued with the snapchat indirect message however she has now blocked me on snapchat.

      Do you think the game is up or shall I wait a few weeks and try make contact again?

      thanks for the reply

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'd recommend you to do no contact again for a month. Your chances are slim unless she breaks up.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    Hello Kevin!
    Quick recap:
    - dating 1 year, BU after huge fight (I felt neglected and said hurtful things), 2 weeks later he started dating a new girl (complete opposite of his type)
    - first 2 weeks he has been rubbing it in my face but I kept calm and did NC for 2 months (no signs of her after the first 2 weeks, nothing on FB, she is never seen with him etc)
    - now been texting him for 2.5 mths, he has been dating her for 4 mths
    - been slowly building attraction, then flirting a lot, reminiscing our good times, went for coffee a few times, he took me to the cinema a few days ago then yesterday we watched a film at my place
    - I know from others that they are having problems, I think they are not very intimate anymore (we were joking about something and he somehow admitted it), she is posting depressing statuses on her fb...
    - he went on holiday recently and since he came back he is giving me even more attention and basically spending his free time with me
    - it's always him to initiate contact and me to cut it or stop replying... I am not always available to him as I used to be. I became happy and confident on my own and I think he sees that... I do feel like he is chasing me a bit now (before it was mostly me chasing him and arranging my life around him - not anymore! and it feels good :) )
    - he is looking for small contact when we are together, like grabbing my arm/leg jokingly, leaning closer to me etc but never really trying to kiss me or anything, but I respect that and I don't think he will try anything as long as he is still with her even though they might be on the verge of breaking up.
    Here is my question though... How do I know if he is still thinking about me and that makes him doubt his RS or if he is just looking for a companion while he is going through this possible break up and only using me till he finds someone else? It's getting harder and harder for me to be so close to him and not be able to kiss him. He always hugs me tight when he comes and goes but all I get is a kiss on the cheek. I understand he might need some time to figure things out but I am scared to be used :/ Any signs I should be looking for?

    Reply
    • Sarah

      I found out they are no longer together and it seems like he wasn't into her anymore for a while. How do I know he is not just using me because he feels lonely or something?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      His relationship was a rebound. Which means he never got over you in the first place. If he does get back with you, it'll not be a rebound. In fact, the reason his current relationship is not working is because he never got over you.

      Reply
  • jeff

    hi kevin
    thank you for what you doing for the world..it is great work..

    So i (29years)have dated my ex girlfriend (31years)for almost 2 years.All seemed ok,fun and serious.one day i fell ill. For almost one month i did not work trying to regaIn my health back.She gave me a lot of support such as being available whenever i was going to the medics and also financially. Later i had to leave dubai and go back home for treatment in Africa. Our communication never changed and also she kept on supporting me financially even whenever.

    I was supposed to go back to her in a month but my doctor advised me to stay another month. I was really sick in that I was even hallucinating. I was having memory losses due to the drugs i was having but just to give her hope that i was getting better,i never told her what i was going through.I always told her i was getting better. As i recovered two weeks before my return, it was her birthday.

    I knew her birthday date but when the day showed up, i had totally forgotten it was due to my recovered weak memory potential. She got angry but kept it cool when she called me and told me she was sorry and she did not feel anything any more in our relationship. She did not want anything from me.She said she loved her ex boyfriend(African American)and he was coming to work in Orman near Dubai so that they can start afresh. she blocked me on Facebook immediately and I confronted her about it(bad mistake).

    I tried to mend things out within a day(bad mistake)but she never changed her mind of going back to her ex however she threatened to block my phone if i kept on texting her. After a while i agreed to her decision and we texted for a while and i wished her a beautiful life with him and So we agreed to stay friends but not close however she told me not to worry that she will not post anything on facebook regarding her new relationship because she is protecting my reputation and respect as well as hers. i really don't know if she was serious about that.

    I was so down and my world came to a stand still.I was grieving until I saw the work you are doing for us.I immediately started the No Contact rule the following day .I know it is a rebound relationship but my fear is,he is an Ex boyfriend. Kevin, do you think I still have a chance to win her back from her Ex boyfriend?

    thank you once again for the advice u give the broken hearts in the world.

    jeff

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jeff,

      Since it's her ex, there's a chance that this relationship is not a rebound. However, it doesn't change your strategy and you should still follow the plan if you want to increase your chances of getting her back.

      Reply
  • julius

    hi kevin
    thx for the great work you do.

    Reply
  • Tom

    Hi:)
    My ex girlfriend of just under 2 years broke up with me in march because she said she couldnt be in a romantic relationship anymore, not just with me, but anyone. She doesn't want a boyfriend. Period. Says she needs to focus on her career and her social life, as one of our biggest problems was not spending enough time with friends.We were living together so it's been difficult to do no contact. She moved out just over a month ago now but I've since sent her a letter basically giving us closure on the situation as we weren't in our right minds the last time we saw each other. We were mad, uncomfortable not communicating properly. Ever since I sent that letter a week ago I've been doing no contact. We had a great relationship and share so much history together.My question is, do you think there is still a chance even if she doesn't want a boyfriend now?

    Reply
  • annie

    Hey,
    Me and my ex were together a lil over 2 years. At the end of our relationship he told me he didn't feel the connection he once had for me. But he still loved and wanted to be with me. And wanted to try and fix it. We took it slow, not really talking or seeing each other. About a week and a half later we broke up bc I found out he was seeing another girl. He told me he was bad for me and I need someone better and to get him out my life. This happend at the end of March. I would text him asking diff questions. He would sometimes reply and sometimes not. Then 3 weeks after we broke up, he gets a new gf. I asked how he could move on so fast. He said he had to do what was best for him and that's he's moved on. He's currently in Marine corps boot camp training. He left April 28th. We met up before he left. He couldn't even look me in my eyes. But he apologized for how things happened. And he said he's only known his new gf for 3 months and its probably not even going work out since he's going to be gone for 3 months. He also mentioned that he got with her so he wouldn't have to think or stress over what happened with us. But he still thinks about it anyways. But then he said he likes her and wouldn't be with her if he didn't. So Idk if she's a rebound or not. It seems like he really does like her so I really don't know. When we said goodbye we both started crying. I asked why he cried if he didn't want to be with me and he said bc he still loves me and that it's sad that it's over but it's time to move on and we're not going to be together. I pretty much have no choice but to do the no contact since over there, there's no contact only thru letters and idk the address. I'm hoping he'll write me but I have a feeling he won't. Idk what to do.
    Sorry this is so long I just wanted to make sure everything was there. Thanks.

    Reply
  • Stacy

    Hey Kevin. Thanks for all the great advice so far.

    After three weeks of further no contact, I contacted my ex and we resolved all the issues and answered all questions regarding our breakup. He was very interested in my health as I am undergoing some treatment and he offered much support and advice. That's the day I posted the letter before I spoke to him because I didn't think he would. He also said that it's possible to be friends again but friendships take a while to build up and wont happen overnight, he also adopted the attitude that if we become friends great if not then oh well. And it shouldn't be forced. I know he has received the letter but hasn't said a word about it. Today when I messaged him regarding some of his clothes he ignored me flat. When I messaged him later that day I asked him again he said that he doesn't want it back and he's busy. It's possible that I came off a tad bit needy. He has used this friendship idea to try and get us back on track after a rough patch but unfortunately we had to break off because of circumstances regarding my health. How do I proceed from here regarding this friendship? Also did the letter do any harm? I followed and joined two formats one of yours and one of Ryan Rivers.

    Again thank for such wonderful advice

    Reply
    • Stacy

      P.S. when we spoke I said that he probably moved on, he laughed and said that he never said such a thing. I do however know that he is seeing someone else

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think the letter did any harm. Since you've already established contact and open communication, you should just take it slow, have fun and follow the blueprint in relationship rewind.

      Reply
  • Bailey

    Hey.. I will try to sum this up..
    My ex and I broke up officially in November (we had been having a rough patch for awhile). We dated for over a year and lived together. I am 23 and he turned 26 last week. We still talked a little bit at that time. He got me a really nice gift for Christmas and we hungout a few days after Christmas, we talked about getting back together.. A couple days later he completely changed and said we shouldn't talk anymore. I became very needy and naggy and pushed him to being really hateful and he told me to never talk to him again. I listened and didn't say much other than him getting the rest of his stuff from my apartment (we had lived together). We haven't really talked since January. I found out last week that he has a new girlfriend. Is that a rebound? What do you think I should do? We have done NC for 3 months.

    Reply
  • Tess

    We broke up a week ago.. He refuses to talk to me at all and he has a new gf. He and this girl were friends while we were together... So idk if it's a rebound or not. Idk what to do besides NC

    Reply
    • Tess

      We were together for about 4 months, friends before that. We really did love each other but honestly our break up reason is very confusing to both of us. A friend asked what happened to us and he just said "I just don't know"

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think it's still a rebound.

      Reply
  • Carina

    Hi, I was in a relationship for two years with my girlfriend (yes, we are both girls). I broke up in a period in life where I was depressed caused by economics, lack of work and waiting for some biopsy-result from the hospital.
    I thought of her best interests, and concluded that she would be better without me. She had a mom who had cancer and I didn't want my girl to go through the same prosess with me if it turned out to be cancer.
    She wanted me back but I was to proud to admit that I was mistaken and builded a wall and convinced myself that I had no feelings left.
    That wall fell to the ground when she told me she will gather her things she has in my apartment, cut every type of contact for ever and she has someone new. It has turned out that it is her new girl who has demanded that she has to cut the contact.
    what do I do?
    She cried with me when she told me that she wanted to cut the contact. But now she has already cut the contact so I can't explain the real reason for the breakup (I didn't give her the hole truth for the breakup in desember).
    I have wrote a letter I plan to give her witch explains the real reason for the breakup and my love for her.
    I'm a fright the ship has sailed..
    I have read your tips and such, but I'm not sure this is a rebound for her or if this is it.
    She said something about that she needed a fresh start.

    Is it to late? Is it a rebound? Should I give her the letter where I explain the whole reason or respect the "no, contact"?

    (Sorry for any spelling or word mistakes. English is not my native language. )

    Reply
  • Maria

    Hi Kevin,
    My and my ex bf broke up in January after 2 and a half years (we kept in touch until mid Feb, which was painful for both of us...me calling him to talk and sort things out and he avoiding, or him calling me in the middle of the night drunk because I was his closest person.)
    Anyway, I found out that my ex bf started sleeping with one girl from work couple of days after our break up. He was hiding it from me and denying, until I told him that I know and said I would not contact him if that's his choice. I was upset to be honest.
    But some of our common friends told me that my ex is with her because he does't want to be alone and he doesn't want to remember me, and also he gets grumpy when hearing my name.
    Now it's 2 months since I have not talked to my ex, and he has not contacted me either - I know he is still meeting the girl, but not treating her as a girlfriend or something like that. And still getting upset if for some reason a friend mentiones me or ask about us.
    I accepted the fact he is with a new girl, but still love him and want to have another chance together, but don't know what to do?

    Thanks :)

    Reply
  • tema

    Hy Kevin great read and I think it's helpful so here's my situation, me and my because broke up nd became friends with benefits we were great he was like a brother friend to me and very mature, he left me for a new girl pretty, light skin, therfore leaving me with insecurity he said his heart wasn't with me anymore, and I want him back wat do I do, move on or stay hoping

    Reply
  • Stacy

    Hey Kevin
    Firstly thanks for all the great advice.
    I had recently posted a question and your response was to apply NC again for three weeks. But after a week and a half two very close friends of his met in a car accident and were in a critical state. So I messaged him asking him if he was okay and I'm around if he needed anything. He thanked me and chatted, he was quite receptive. A few days later when we were with mutual friends he actually spoke to me and joked around with me. The first time he actually acknowledged me since the break up. Should I restart NC or just leave things to plan out? Or not apply NC but contact him in a few weeks?

    Reply
  • Sarah

    Hey Kevin,
    Really great read, I am a bit upset at the moment and very confused as i have just found out my ex (still married) husband has now moved on about 2 months with another woman who is my complete opposite from the sounds of it.
    We have two children together, so I haven't had much of a chance to implement no contact.
    We were together for 13 years and married for 6 now separated roughly 2.5 yrs ago.
    I tried to move on, but couldn't, I was with this other guy and still missing my ex :(
    My kids have just come back from staying at his house, which I have found he had introduced our kids to her and had her stay at his house while my children were there.
    Something I couldn't do because I didn't want to mess my kids up (we have just had a major house move about 4 hrs away from where my ex and I lived) so couldn't bring another new major change to them, obviously he could though.
    I am furious and upset that he has had this other woman around my kids. Funnily enough I had being thinking about him and us getting back together before I found this out. I was actually missing him like crazy. I have just started my own business, and normally I would have shared this with him so that has made me miss him a bit more too.
    I made the mistake of getting upset and voicing to him that he will not be seeing his children again (I suspect this woman is on drugs and he made no defence that she was not) When I saw him today he looked like a shell of a man not like someone who was in a happy place to say the least, he was thin, gaunt and looked like he has been through the ringer and possibly on drugs himself I suspect.
    I was the one who broke it off with him because we were going through such a rough patch in our marriage and I felt like it was the only way of either of us finding happiness at the time.
    I sort of regret it now and not trying to work on the marriage. I can't work out why for the life of me but I still love this man, In my heart he was/is my soulmate and one true love and I want him back :/
    I have tried to move on and have tried to make myself, and have already been implementing the step of making myself happy without him or anyone.
    He usually rings the kids through the week. I don't have to take the call. Not sure how the no contact thing works in this area when kids are involved and for them to have contact? Or especially if there is a drug addiction which I suspect whether I should not let him have any contact at all with myself or the children either?
    Sorry if I am rambling I am pretty upset.
    TIA for any advice you can give me, am feeling pretty heartbroken right now

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      For no contact with kids, read this article.

      I think you made the right decision by breaking up with him. And even though you are second guessing the decision right now, you still know deep inside it was the right thing to do. Even if you do get back together in the future, this breakup was necessary.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Thank you Kevin for your reply.
      I hadn't seen this so when he rang to speak to the kids I didn't answer because I thought I should implement NC.
      He rang and texted 5 times, I didn't read them until today with another 5 messages on top of that. The first few were cordial, but they became heated and manipulative the last one I read. So I did not read any more of them I figured I had tortured myself enough by reading them. He pushes my buttons deliberately to get a raise out of me and gloats about his new relationship, how she does the things I did not like to do with him. Really trying to rub it in because I foolishly told him that I was unable to move on. Something I regret telling him now.
      I Have been writing and have checked out the other things you have suggested in email thank you have made me feel so much better and stronger. At least the tears have stopped a little and I have found a bit of clarity.
      I am not sure whether to keep implementing the NC rule for the rest of the 30 days? or to let him speak to the children? (they are very messed up over this and don't really want to speak to him either) Thank you again for all your help I really appreciate it, and I do agree that the original breakup was necessary.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sarah,

      If the children don't want to speak to him, you have all the right to implement NC. But if he keeps on insisting, you should let him know that the kids don't want to speak to him in a cordial tone and that you will appreciate it if he gives you some space and time right now.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Thanks Kevin,
      I am still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster at the moment so will when I feel I can even bring myself to speak to him, let alone cordially. I am at the swinging between hating him and still loving him so best not to contact until I can get that under control. Thanks again

      Reply
    • Sarah

      I texted him (because speaking to him I would not have been able to control myself) that the kids dont want to speak to him and they will need some space and time. I get an awful message in return.
      "I don't know what you've said to the kids, but they were fine with things til I left them with you. I reckon your the one with the problem not the kids.
      You need to grow up and be mature with the situation. I will call on sunday to call the kids. Hopefully you haven't totally brainwashed them by then. I am a good father and love the kids very much and know they love me."
      What do I do now? The kids honestly do not want anything to do with his new girlfriend. My daughter said she felt put out when he just threw her in their face as well :( He and his daughter had always been close, but she is disgusted in his behaviour. My son never really got along with his father so there to be honest is no love lost there.
      Do I let him speak to the kids or just go no contact? he already hates me by the sound of it, I am afraid I am pushing her and him closer together with this.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      I have just sent him a text that says that I will let the kids call him when they want but am changing my number that I am no longer available. He is trying to bully and manipulate me via text. So I have gone no contact and am moving on. Thanks for all your help Kevin but I think some relationships would be more painful to put back together. I am using this experience as an opportunity for growth and to change myself so I only have healthy relationships from here on. Thanks again

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think that was the best thing to do under the circumstances. All the best.

      Reply
  • jon dough

    So kevin here is the slim down version . ITs been a year separated . During are break up we had a all out war. we lived together for 6 years . I still loved her , she wanted to move on , said i didnt treat her right , i needed to get my act together , and I just didnt care enough to get married . I did care . i just wanted to work on myself . So anyway we break up , she changes her number , but yet we talk thru email alot during are break apart , we start meeting up , we were both seeing other people and I was tryin my hardest to get back with her . But it wasnt working . I was being to pushy . So in november she meets someone , and well they start dating . THey been dating ever since . During are break up after she met this person she wont talk to me , she ignores me and mind you i run into her in the street ??? now what ? I still want to try ? I havent contacted her in about 60 days ? I dont no what to do ... I still love her

    Reply
  • Jim

    Hey Kevin,

    So my no contact period is over. I didn't write the letter and moved straight to the text message contact. However, my nice friendly text was seen but ignored. I feel down but hey ho that's life. Should I send the letter or should I continue no contact for a further date?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Start no contact again for another two weeks and send another text (or a letter, your call). If still no reply, then you should consider moving on.

      Reply
    • Jim

      My heart sank at the thought of moving on, although I feel I already am moving on. Yes my ex is on my mind a lot but I am not pining and watching my phone anymore. I came to the realisation that the time was not right for us and him breaking up with me has gave me the kick up the backside to get life back into gear. It has helped me pursuit things I only ever dreamed about before. Maybe this break up was a good thing. However, I still will always hold a place in my heart for him and who knows in a few months time or years time we may meet again. One of his cryptic messages was "you know our paths will cross again." I don't hold out hope of anything sudden right now and I have been on a date since and planning more dates. So in a way I feel I am moving on from that relationship and if we do get back together in the future that will be a brand spanking new relationship with all the experience of the past one. I am sending his mother a birthday card this week even though people have questioned my motives. In my eyes, I was very close with his mum and in a way I feel like the mature one to wish his mum happy birthday while he can't even talk to my mum. Thanks for all the advice Kevin and sorry I post so much, makes me look like i'm obssessed with my ex. I just am a very spiritualistic and optimistic person and feel that one day we will meet again. I'm 24 I have plenty of life left. I won't waste it waiting but I will always deep down wait for him. Is this a good mentality to have?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you have a good perspective on your situation. Even though you feel like you will wait for him, you are not going to let it stop you from living your life. I think that's great and I wish you the best.

      Reply
  • loo

    Hey so my no contact period ended yesterday. My only problem is yesterday my ex deleted my mother from facebook and deleted most pictures of me and him on there too. It hurt but I feel like he is playing games. The past few days he has been putting up attention seeking status' and writing where he is going to be like he is waiting for me to turn up. Then he deletes my mum but doesn't delete my dad, brother and friends. Every photo he puts up of himself he looks miserable and i feel he is waiting for me to call or text. Now is the time I can text him but after yesterday I don't know whether I should. I don't know if I am just making excuses for him or if he is doing this to move on. But I must be on his mind for him to be makinig these conscious decisions to post and remove my mum. Do I have hope or is he a lost cause. I am scared to text. P.S I have progressed massively since the breakup and developed myself into a confident attractive person. I have so much going for me now and the only thing missing is the love of my life.

    Reply
  • Hallie

    Me and my boyfriend dated for almost two years, we would go through rough patches and good patches, but after we took a break for the first time it changed, we were really happy after the break for about two months, but then after that it was horrible, he didn't like my parents and they didn't like him, soon it was pretty constant fighting and I always got blamed, about six months after our first break he completly stopped talking to me, the last text I got said Hey :)! We didn't say a word to eachothers for four months. And then he emailed me saying since I had always been there for him I deserved to know he had gotten a sports scholarship for college and we started talkin again, it made me realize that I didn't lose my feelings for him, he still made my heart ache, but then we started fighting again after he told me he loved me because I didn't know what to feel, I blocked his number because I am sick of fighting with him, now I just don't know if that was the right idea. I love him and I don't know if blocking him and not knowing if he's trying to talk to me is more painful than if I unblock him and he never talks to me. Help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Hallie,

      If you ever want to make things work with him, you should work on your communication skills before getting back in touch with him. I highly recommend the book "non violent communication" By M. Rosenberg.

      Reply
  • Felicity

    Hi Kevin,me and ex have been together for 2 years and a couple of months.I recently just found out that he has been seeing his ex who he dated for 5 months,they broke up when I came into the picture and from what the girl told me they didn't speak for a full year until she contacted him trying to get him back in his life because she says she felt like I snatched him away from her which isn't true because I didn't even know she existed until a couple of months of me and him dating.From what the girl told me they've seen each other a couple of times and those were the times that me and him were arguing.So from what I know whenever we had a huge fight he would meet with her to makeout and they would stop talking when things got back to normal with me and him.She says he told her that he had a girldfriend but it didn't matter to her because she was just so angry at me for taking him away from her.So recently me and him argued and I ended up breaking up with him and he asked to fix things with her 2 days after that.After about a month of not talking he came back to beg me to give him a 2nd chance and so I did but he never told the other girl that me and him were back together.Until the girl got suspicious and ended up confronting me.The girl is a virgin and I'm not.The last time he took her out was the time they dated before I came into the picture while on the other side he took me out every week.We then decided to confront him together and he admitted cheating on both of us and said he only went to her when we would have huge arguments.But what is really confusing me is that now he says he needs a bit of time just to work on himself and decide which side to fall on cause it seems as though both of us are willing to forgive his cheating ways but only if he chooses 1 of us. I don't understand if that means I should just move on or just try be patient with him.I still love him but I'm really confused,does he love me or her??Please help :(

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Felicity,

      I think you shouldn't be willing to forgive his cheating. You will have very serious trust issues in the future and I don't see him admitting to his mistake and proving to you that he is willing to change. You have no guarantee that he won't cheat on you in the future (and he probably will).

      Reply
  • Noah

    Kevin,

    Me and my wife has just married for a year but before we get married i told here that i have an affair and i accidentally get the girl pregnant, but we still continue our married but the first 3 months my wife become jealous and everytime i come back to home after work she always argue with me that i cheated to her but she know how much i love her now she want to divorce are marriage she said to me that she didn't have fellings to me anymore only sorrow what she feel to me and she have no more love to me he even ignore me in FB and SKYPE she makes excuses to avoid are communication were in a long distance relationship because of our carrie sir KEVIN is still have chance to prevent our divorce and we will be happier the first time we know each other and the first 2 months that weve married.. im waiting for your reply.. tnx and more power sir

    Reply
  • Hazel

    Hi, Kevin.

    My ex-boyfriend and i were dating for 7 years. Our relationship was great and full of happiness along years. We rarely argue. We loved each other and planed to get marry next year.
    However, 2 months before our break up, he joined a band and our relationship was getting worse. He was enthusiastically to join every meeting or practice of the band. After that, he started to comment on me that i acting cold to him with less response and always being late when we have a date. When i heard of these comments, i was fear as he never comment bad on me before. I started to change those bad habits, but the result was not significant yet.
    Later on, as mentioned, he broke up with me. Saying that he felt i was cold to him when we were texting or having a date (i had self-reflection after the break up that i should have did better on this, though it is my personality). Also, he mentioned that he no longer feel as happy as being with me before. So, he decided to break up.
    I could not bear with it and I tried to get him back by all the wrong ways (just realized it after visiting your webpage :'( ) for month and a half: texting a lot, calling few times, sending him a LONG letter... he replied me he wants to be alone with the “It's Not You, It's Me” excuse then ignored all my later messages.
    There was no ways for me to understand his sudden change, so i did something really bad that i checked his email. I found out that he is now in a relationship with a girl from the band, and they started to date just 10 days after our break up.
    I did not know whether it is a rebound relationship (hopefully it is!), they are happily together for almost 2 months already. They had not make their relationship public yet I guess.
    My last message sent to him was on April, 4. Should I break the no contact after 30 days since that day or should wait until he is the one who find me first? What if he has no response to my no contact after 60 days or something, should i keep on no contact? There is also something I have to return him, is it a good reason to initiate our contact again?
    I really want him back, i DO believe we can work on our relationship better and have a great future if we have good communication.

    btw, this webpage did bring me hope and confidence in getting him back ;) THANK YOU!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should contact him again after 60 days of no contact. If he doesn't reply, wait another month and try again. If still no reply, then you should consider moving on. Returning his stuff is not a good reason to get back in touch in my opinion. I think you should use the methods above.

      Reply
  • Prieta

    Hi Kevin, Im going to try to make this as short as possible. I dated a guy for 7 months and we was very happy for 6 months. We took care of each other and made sure we was alright. When we both started we had our hearts broken from a previous relationships and it was the first time each one of us gave each other a chance in love in over 2 years. I knew I was healed from my previous relationship when we started dating and I thought he was on the same page as me. Well I was wrong after 6 months of dating he tells me that he still loves his ex-girlfriend and that I helped him heal the pain he had and that he got in contact with her.

    We had a big argument because I really thought we was on the same page and that's when I realized that I had feelings for him. Then we spoke about it and he said he was just letting me know how he feels but he had no intentions of hurting me and letting me go. He always told me how he liked everything about me, how awesome I was and that he loves me the way I am.

    But he was thinking about working things out with the girl that cheated on him like crazy! (Because Im not stupid and I knew he had a plan) Since that moment I started taking steps back little by little to prepare myself to let go. Well since he told me that he didn't give me that attention that he was giving me before the text was less, but he was calling me more and when we saw each other he was more loving and attentive to my needs in anything that I needed which had me confused. Well right before his birthday his ex-girlfriend decided that she wants him back, but he didn't tell me. And then his birthday weekend was coming which he had plans to party out of town.

    I wasn't part of the plan but I acted like nothing. The day before his birthday weekend we spent the night together and had an amazing time, he tells me that his birthday was going to suck because he wasn't going to see me and I stood quite because I knew something was up. So I decided to play stupid. (Ming you that Valentines day was a week before his birthday, which he found my work address and sent me flowers and we had an amazing Valentines day.) Then his birthday weekend came and he didn't even bother to text me once, not even drunk when he always texts me drunk without missing a beat. So that confirm my suspicions... He came back from his trip and after days I text him if he was ok, he said yes and that he saw somethings that he wanted to buy for me and how he was going to help with the vacation that I needed so much.

    When I last saw him it was the weekend after his birthday, he stood with me and I had intentions of confronting him about his birthday because my gut feeling told me he spent his birthday with his ex-girlfriend. But I totally shut down to the point that I couldn't allowed him to touch me because I felt it so strong. And ever since that last time I saw him I walked away without telling him that I did and today makes almost 2 months of that. I had to walk away I wasn't going to allow him to see my emotions. He works with one of my good friends and he has told her that he has no clue why Im ignoring him that he hopes Im ok because I have health issues and he really concerned, he also said that he's really hurt of me disappearing that way I did and that he really misses me a lot to the point he cant get me out of his head and that he has feelings for me. He also told her that after his birthday he was confuse and didn't know what he was going to do with me. Well I don't know how true is that because a week later that I walk away he got officially back with his ex girlfriend and the idiot doesn't know that I know everything.

    I did the no contact rule for a month and after him calling me and texting me here and there, I replied after he wrote that he doesn't know why I'm ignoring him and that he assume that Im cutting him completely out of my life and that it will the last time I will hear from him, so I waited 2 hours and replied that I been busy with work, therapy and I been taking sometime to myself. After that he told my friend that how come he had to threaten me to get a response.

    I got so mad that I blocked him from my phone and e-mail. All this time since I walked away I been focusing on myself, I feel much better, I been enjoying myself and open to meeting new people, I'm taking a vacation next week and I don't regret walking away because its my time and its about me now. Do I miss him? Yes I do but I was single for a long time before him and I can do it again. Do I want him back? yes I do Why? Because he was really good to me and was there for me with my health issues and always made sure I was ok. Im almost 40 and at my age I'm not looking for the love of my life, I''m looking for someone who can understand me and accept me for who I am and he did. What I don't know is should I unblock him and allow him to contact me and tell him the reason why I walked away when Im ready, because Im not yet. Then again I ask myself how happy can he be if his wondering about me and cant get me out of his mind when supposedly his happy that he's back with the love of his life. Kevin please let me know what to do? Do you think I still have a chance? Do you think I should tell him why I walked away?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I do think you should get back in touch with him and tell him why you walked away. If things don't work out, at least you can close this chapter and move on.

      Reply
  • Stacy

    Hey Kevin

    My NC period of 30 days is over with my ex. We have been broken up for at least a month. After about a week and a half of the break up he starts seeing a girl whom he asked me not to talk to because he feels that I shouldn't associate myself with her. He also seems like he is going out of his way to rub this new relationship in my face (which frankly is really immature or a cry for attention) I know and everyone is assuring me that it is a rebound relationship. We eventually broke up because I asked him for a little space (i asked him twice for space) because I was going through a medical crises and but I never told him about this crises. When I told him that he said he cant do a halfway thing and broke up with me. After the NC period I contacted him and told him what had happened. All he said was he doesn't want to argue and he doesn't understand why I didn't tell him. I politely said I had a different approach to dealing with these things but honestly it seemed like he didn't care (he did say he's glad that I'm better and hopes I'm recovering well). We sometimes chat and its very neutral from both sides because I'm not sure what to do because I know he is still dating this girl. We were dating and seeing each other for roughly 5-6 months. He also has this policy that he never goes back. Which he wavered for me once when I first asked him for space which he called and said that he doesn't want to be away from me. We had a serious relationship where he met my family and I met some of his. He would also tell me things like I was different and he never had a relationship like this before.

    I'm not sure what to do. I do love him very much and I do want to be with him but how do I take it from here? Because he clearly seems indifferent

    It's been about 6 weeks since our break up.

    Reply
  • Hannah

    Hi Kevin, he broke up with me after 6 months because he 'wasn't that into it'. He is searching for a deep love- and was hoping to find it with me but hasn't. He said he loves me- but isn't in love with me, and he wishes that he felt so strongly about me but doesn't. I am madly in love with him. Is there any chance at all of not only getting him back- but getting him to develop these feelings?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you get him back, he will develop those feelings. Your best bet is to follow the 5 step plan. Make some positive changes in your life during no contact.

      Reply
  • Jim

    Hey kevin,

    My no contact period is almost over but i fear i have made an awful mistake. Yesterday I got a little drunk and planned a date with someone. I ended up meeting that person in the afternoon and we had a few drinks and watched a film at his house. After getting to know each other we cuddled on the sofa and began to kiss. One thing led to another and we slept together. After i left i regretted it dearly. I feel like I let myself down. I know I am single and allowed to be with whoever and this was a rebound trying to fill the hole my ex left. Will this affect my chances with my ex? I feel I would have to tell him if we get back together.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You did nothing wrong. If you do get back together and the topic comes up you can tell him. But don't be ashamed of yourself and don't apologize for it.

      Reply
    • Jim

      Thanks, it has been a long time since we spoke and I doubt he will even message me back. I've noticed my confidence has exceeded what it was before I even met my ex. I have lots of confidence to meet new people and comfortable everywhere I go. I feel there is a real change in me and that I have grown up and matured mentally, physically and spiritually. I really want to show my ex the new improved me. Thanks for all the help and the emails each day they really have helped me through this tough time.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Thanks Jim. I'm glad you found the email series helpful.

      Reply
  • Kerry

    So, My ex and I met on an online dating site a few months ago and through our emails, pictures and skype we got extremely close- he was very helpful and comforting when my mother passed away and we made plans to meet when I made my trip to the states, we spent a week together and had an amazing time, and once I returned I brought up my decision to move there permanently (it has been on my mind for a year before I met him) and he went from initially asking me to move in with him to it declining to the point where he said he may not even meet me at the airport- we agreed to be non exclusive to avoid excessive pressure though we still like each other, until a few days before my big move when he messages me out of the blue and asks me to never message or speak to him again
    I don't know if it's a commitment issue or pure nerves, since just an hour before that he was complimenting me on my pictures and exclaiming how amazing and beautiful I am. I am a few days into applying the NC rule now... would it work in this situation? I was completely blindsided and confused- and I feel like we definitely deserve another chance when we're in the same city to give it a fair chance

    Reply
  • Rylee

    Hi Kevin,
    I dated a pretty awesome guy for a little over 4 years. About a month ago I broke up with him. The reasons I had were overall stupid. I guess you could chalk it up to me having a fear of abandonment. We were very close and when you're close with someone they can hurt you. I know very wimpy. Anyways I did it pretty cut throat and about 3 weeks into it I snapped out of my stupidity but it was too late. He had already started liking someone else and is currently dating them. I did at least 2 of the things that you are not supposed to EVER do. I still want him back. I assume the no contact rule comes into play for 30 days. Any other special circumstantial advice? Obviously my lame attempt to beg him to come back blew lol. Thanks! -Rylee

    Reply
  • Kayla Wooten

    I push him to sombdy else arms because i was mean to him and not being a lady now he wants me to b the other women whats up with that is that ok?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No, It's not OK. Don't do it. Apply no contact. Tell him you need space and time. He will eventually break up with that other girl.

      Reply
  • Kassie

    Hi. So I'm in love with my ex still. I got pregnant by him and right now I'm 7 months. We recently broke up like 2 weeks ago. He left me because he was tired of the way I would get mad at him all the time. I did have reasons but now that I think about it I could've been a little more nicer to him. Where he's living is one of his baby mamas house. Well she claimed that her son wasn't his and after a while she said it was and kept changing her mind and so she stuck to that her son was his. At first I didn't think anything would go on between them because of the type of girl she is. In his words he always told me "I can never be with a Hood girl" as in a ghetto girl. She does drugs, parties and drinks. He likes to do the same. Well he just likes to do drugs. The only thing he would like to do is smoke marijuana but that's it and ever since he started living there he tried different kinds of drugs. Well the other day he was on a drug called acid and he called me out of no where and he told me he's sorry for everything he has put me through. And we kept talking and Conversating. Later on at around 9 he was at his families house and he called again and broke the news to me that he is going through what I'm going through right now. He mentioned that she threatens him. She tells him "if you leave or cheat on me I'll cut you" and also "if you leave I kno where to find you and I will hunt you down." He told me he don't even know if he loves her. I had asked him on the phone who he sees his future with and he said that he sees a better and longer future with me. He said he's tried leaving and well she threatens him. He can't even text me because she goes through his phone so we talk on facebook. He told me he wanted to see me and talk face to face. So I planned on when and I just saw him yesterday after a week and a half. We came to my house and we cuddled and he just kept holding me. We had sex too and he would still hold me and rub my belly. I asked him what he wants to do and he said "the only thing I'm worried about right now is making money." He said there is no future yet if he's not making money. He also mentioned that he hasn't seen his other 2 kids. And I told him why hasn't he? He said because he doesn't have a ride. But when he was with me, he would call his mom to let him borrow the truck and do whatever it took to see his kids. Now over there it seems like he doesn't try one bit. When we were together I would always tell him he should see his kids and he would agree. I feel like that girl wants all the attention on her son. But Idk. So then I asked him "what do I do" he told me "just be patient" I had told him before that I will give him his time and that I don't mind waiting for him but I don't him to change his mind and stay with her. But he just kept telling me to be patient. He looked skinny and I asked if he even eats and he said sometimes. I don't think she cooks for him and I always did. And when he was leaving we kept kissing like if we missed eachother so much. Which I did. And he also mentioned that he don't feel the love and affection with her the way he does with me. As in she's not even romantic with him and she don't like kissing. I'm just so hurt and it's hard for me not to think about it. He had told me before with his other baby mama that he couldn't stand her when she was pregnant and that he hated her. He told me he thinks all this is just a phase and that it's probably karma too. His exact words were "I think it's just the pregnancy." But idk I don't know what to believe. And were having a girl. It's gonna be his FIRST girl. The rest if his kids are boys. Do you think he will change? And do you think this is just a phase or karma that he's going through? And what should I do to get him back? Should I just not message him unless he messages me? I mean I do have to message him about the baby appointments but that's it. Help please!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I guess there is nothing you can do unless he decides to stand up for himself and break up with her. Yes, limited contact can help you, but in the end, everything will depend on him breaking up with her.

      Reply
  • Violet

    I need extreme help, I was dating this guy for over 7 years he has my high school sweetheart, my everything ... We were supper close to each other but his mom try to get him away from me ... He cheated on me once on the 3rd year and I forgave him. We got secretly married (no one still knows) and after a few months he lost his job and moved to another state. once being there he lost all communication with me, to the point I wanted to commit suicide, but I was able to over come that and become stronger to the point that I didn't need him any more . He came back and tried to surprise me but I didnt want anything to do with him. he tried, cried, begged me to be with him for over a year and a half and I finally gave in. But I know him sooo well that I thought something was wrong, 3 weeks after we got back together I found out he had a girlfriend for a year. I didn't understand how that was possible, I always had him when I wanted it, he was always there leaving me roses, sending me cute texts... The day before I found out and busted him , he had been at my house asking me about moving in , he went to his house. , went to her house to sleepover , left her house picked me up for breakfast and then picked her up again... I know I said I wouldn't forgive him but I miss him... This weekend I saw him and we had a perfect day, but yesterday he ignored me completely and this morning before him going to work he knocked on my window said he wanted to talk, that he would call me once he got to work , and he did, but then he told me he would call me in 30 mins and still hasn't ........ What can I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That guy is trouble. Apply no contact for 30 days. Then ask him to choose between you and her. Tell him he can't fully commit to you, then you will cut him off from your life and move on.

      Reply
  • Kaylie

    Please help me...
    So long story short: dated almost 7 months and were super serious. He had trust/anger issues. Broke up with me saying he wanted to work on those first before continuing our relationship but said he still loved me. Got in an argument and he suddenly said he no longer wanted me and to stay out of his life. Left him alone for a week and tried to text him. He was receptive and said he'd think about getting back together but wanted space. I've been doing no contact for a little over a week now and I just found out he has a new girlfriend!? It's been less than 3 weeks!! How did he move on so fast!! She was his "best friend" for a long time and She lives an hour away too. Both of them are tweeting negative things about me. This is a rebound and probably won't last right?! Do I have any chance? What do I do?! Please help

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it's most probably a rebound. You do have a chance. Follow the 5 step plan. He is acting extremely immature by tweeting negative things about you. Ignore all of this and concentrate on yourself. Don't contact him unless you realize you can be happy in your life without him.

      Reply
    • Kaylie

      What about if he blocked my number... :( just found that out today. I think it's because of his new girlfriend. But he didn't block me on social media, he still looks at my pages to see what I post and told a mutual friend other guys still bother him

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's alright. You can still contact him after no contact via social media. So it doesn't really change anything.

      Reply
  • Shannon

    I broke up with my ex two months ago after I found him flirting with another girl and trying to hide it. He's always had eyes for other girls and that's caused trust issues for us. Initially, he chased me and begged me to get back with him for a month, then he gave up and decided he didn't want me. He said he hadn't loved me for months and he liked this new girl who lives 2 hours away on the train. He's met up with her 3 times in the space of a month. I went 6 days with no contact but then he messaged me trying to cause an argument.. I'm not sure whether this is a rebound or not and if I have a chance to get him back or not too?

    Reply
  • Sarah

    Me again :) So after 1 month of texting, 2/3 weeks of extensive texting every day/night (mostly him initiating) we finally went for a coffee. He even suggested we meet up half an hour earlier (so we could be together longer before he goes to work), he took me to a nice place by the river, we joked a lot, he called me by a cute name... and when he brought me back he reached out for a hug in the car which really surprised me. He texted me later on in the evening and then again 2 days later. At that point I told him it was nice seeing him. It took him ages to reply but then he said it was nice seeing me too, after all this time. I added that I also liked that he hugged me at the end... after which he just stopped replying. He hasn't replied the whole day, I know he has been very busy (he told me he would be even before we met up and that he wouldn't have a day off for the next 2 weeks), but he always found the time. If not before, I expected a text from him really early in the morning before or after his work out, but nothing. He only replied later on in the morning, nice as usual, like he hasn't been ignoring me for a whole day... and he said the hug came very spontaneously to him. I admit I got annoyed a bit since it's the first time that it seemed like he went a bit cold. Should I worry about this? How should I proceed now? I was thinking maybe waiting until evening to reply and just say that I am on my way out and talk to you soon or something like this. Maybe I scared him off and I should take a step back. What's your take on this? Also, 2 common friends told me (they don't know we are back in contact) that he is not into this girl of his and that they got the impression he is with her just for the sake of it, but he doesn't seem to have feelings for her (which I always thought).

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Back off just a little bit. I don't think you scared him off. Maybe he was really just busy and didn't how to respond to your text. Let him initiate the next text conversation.

      Reply
  • Matthew Keller

    Dear Kevin,

    My name is Matthew Keller, and last December I had a bad breakup with my ex-boyfriend, Spencer. We only dated for two months and it was all online. He says that I became too dependent on him and became a controlling the last few weeks we were together. I still have feelings for this guy, and he just got into a relationship with another guy and it's tearing me apart. I want really badly to get back together with him, now that I live in the same area as him but I don't know if I messed up too much. I read the guide and I broke almost every rule. He still wants to be friends with me on facebook and altogether, but I can't witness him with another guy, it's too painful. But I also want to be around to get back together with him, very badly.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Matthew,

      Follow the advise in the 5 step plan. I know it sucks that he is with someone else, but there is nothing you can do about it and you have to come in terms with that. If it's too hard for you to look at his facebook, you should remove him for a while, at least till the no contact period is over.

      Reply
  • Leilani

    me and this guy have been "talking" for 2 years and have dealt with a lot of communication issues that we've gotten past as well as at some points there was bad timing on my part. recently we had sex and he told me he loved me that night before it happened and again a few days later but because my schedule is so full and i never have anyone to watch my son, i cant spend time with him the with him the way that i would like to (well that was before) i recently put him in daycare however we had a conversation about a month ago and he was telling me how i just need to work on being more open or that we would always have problems and i completely understood and things were fine a few days later i wanted to talk to him and ask him about something (that i cant remember) but he mentioned that i usually asks things i should already know the answer to so i told him i wouldnt bother trying anymore because its hard to have rational conversation with him (which it is on occasion) anyway not thinking and only joking because i do like/love him a lot i said out of anger i guess that i only deal with him and his irrational attitude because his d**k is good and he responded by saying "wow,...u win" and ever since has been real distant, we made plans to hang out like a week later, he blew em off and told me its nothing and wont be nothing, i was upset so i didnt say anything for a like a week and then i hit him up several times and he didnt respond and when he eventually did he said "bitch stop writing me" and all i said was wow okay....fast forward 2 weeks and i text him after really thinking about what couldve been wrong and apologized and he told me that there are a lot of bitches that like wtf did i think and i said im sure there are but is the chemistry the same, he said better. i've been so emotional since he said it and idk if it was out of anger or that maybe hes mad still about what i said its been a few days since that conversation and i'm just curious as to whether or not i just move on or let him cool down and then try to talk to him again because i dont understand why the chemistry is so much better with them why even invest 2 years or any time? hes said things that have hurt me i've forgiven him, more than once so i dont get why he cant let this one time go..
    thanks in advance

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I think he is being extremely disrespectful to you. You already apologized for what you said. I guess the best thing for you to do is to wait it out. If he is still the same after a month, then you should move on.

      Reply
    • Leilani

      I kinda feel like he's talking to someone else anyway but because I know people don't just get over people that quick I ant wrap my head around why he's doing it when I've forgiven for saying stupid things as well.. Is pride that effective or is he just being a douche?
      The last time something happened he came back around like 6 months later and I don't think I'm willing to wait that long..

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he broke up with you, he has all the right in the world to talk to anyone he wants. He is not really dong anything wrong.

      Reply
  • Joan

    Hi kevin,
    I did nc and he called and emailed me on the 21 day, he said he got worried, I responded as saying I am ok after two days through email, we started emailing again but the issue on us was not resolved, now he posted his new girl on his facebook, I dont know if its rebound or what, can I go no contact again? Is there really a chance for us to be back again? Or I just move on and forget about him? Thanks, really confused.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you are getting obsessive thoughts about him, you should go no contact again. It'll also give him some more time to miss you and maybe his rebound relationship will end till then.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    Oh wise Kevin, I need a short advice again :) I have followed all your guides and all the advice you have given me and they were all very helpful and things are progressing very well. Me and my ex have now been in contact for almost a month, texting almost every day, especially in the last couple of weeks we have been chatting for hours throughout the day and especially in the evening. I am finally meeting him tomorrow for a coffee. He is still in a relationship with her on FB but it seems like he is giving all his free time and attention to me so I guess things with her are dying. In my eyes she was always just a rebound and bound to go away in a few months although it has been very hard at times. Now, my question is: do I mention his gf/relationship at all or shall I just enjoy our time together? It's not like I really want to talk about her, not at all... but maybe some clarity wouldn't hurt? What do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Use your judgement. If you think he is attracted to you enough and have been warm to you for a while now (without being cold to you), then you can. Just make sure you don't bring it up in a way that makes you look needy.

      Reply
  • elen

    He left me 2,5 months ago telling me he needed time to think and he wasn't sure about us anymore. We were together for 3,5 years and trying to have a baby. I left home to give him space. I didn't contact for 2 weeks. About a month after I left I asked for an answer and since he said he needed more time we broke up. I didn't contact him since and he text me yesterday on my birthday telling me that he thinks about me all the time and that he is sorry for everything. All this time that I'm gone he is seeing another woman who I think he really likes and she is one of the reasons he wanted time. I went over our place to talk and he told that he is still confused and he though he wants to he can't try at this point to be with me with all his power, that he is not ready yet. I told him that it is now or never but he is reluctant. I mailed him telling him that now it' s the right time to try, otherwise he will lose me forever. I found a house and I'm moving out. What should I do from now on? I really want him back but I think that he has to try to win me back not me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Move out and start no contact. You have to decide if he doesn't want to try to win you back, do you want to pursue him? If not, then give him a time limit (say 6 months), if he doesn't try during that time, then you concentrate on moving on.

      Reply
  • Ginger

    Hi Kevin
    Great site! I am not sure if my problem is for this section of your site...

    I was with my ex for almost 2.5 years. He had an ex that he knew her and her family (best friends with the brothers) for 11 years now. Her and him dated but broke up 2 or 3 times. One point he put a down payment on a wedding ring for her (He was in his mid 20’s at this time). One of the breakups she left him and gave him no reason. Him and his friends told me that it really tore him up. At the very start of our relationship (he was 29 – I am 5 years older) he needed space and went to therapy – one of the issues was he needed closure from his ex. Just happens he saw her at a wedding and did just that.

    We continued our relationship…all great…until…we had our first real fight about a lie he told me, we didn’t talk for 2 days, when we did talk (long story short – and after a lot of pulling teeth) he tells me he saw his ex during our fight and a lot of good and bad feelings came back. He feels that the last 2 months he was forcing his love for me (didn’t seem that way). He wants to end it with me and try with her. He knows it’s a mistake but it’s a chance he wants to take! He gave me some bs that I was the best thing that happened to him but he has feelings for her.

    What I found out was she started texting him out of the blue and they texting for a few months. They would even get into text fights not talk for a few days and she would text back and apologize (which she would never do in the past) He told his friend he wants to move fast and even marry her. His friends and family are not happy about his decision.

    This all happened, then he left for 3 weeks’ vacation with his family. It’s been 3 weeks that he has been back. I only contacted him the 2 days after the breakup before he left.

    Any thoughts on this…

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ginger,

      To be honest, I feel he is a lost cause. He never really got over his ex and never really got closure. Otherwise, he wouldn't have started contact with her even though he knew that he is risking his current relationship by doing so. I guess the best thing for you to do is apply no contact. Think about it before taking any action.

      Reply
  • Whattodo

    Kevin . I don't know where to begin .. So I'll try to keep it sorta short. My ex and I were together for about 2 years. The last 6 months have been long distance , because he moved for grad school. Our plan was that I would move out there after getting some work exp here (we both had just graduated). Things were not going well with the distance , I moved to working night shift which made it even tougher for us to keep in touch , this led to arguing , but I think mostly because we really just miss being together. I had applied for my license in the state he is in and had recently applied for jobs, after he pressed it , a few weeks before "the talk". He said all kinds of things .. That he was worried we would resent each other, that he could see things working out maybe in the future but not now... I was in shock. I definitely made some major mistakes .. I begged for a few days , he didn't respond .. So I finally went quiet . Maybe 4 or 5 days later he texted saying he heard two songs the night before ( our songs) and that he hoped I was finding things to smile about . I burst into tears ... I didn't know why he was saying this if he didn't want to worth through things , I didn't respond all day the text came in the morning .. But I messed up. I said saying things like this doesn't help if you don't want to try to work things out with me, it just hurts me more . I asked why he said it . He didn't respond . Then I asked again and he said could we talk later because he had an early meeting . I felt bad and emailed him the next day, told him I didn't mean to pressure him but that I thought we could work things out . He responded a few days later saying he didn't know what the answers all were and didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep but that we definitely need to be apart right now. Apologized for ruining my spring break, when I had planned to see him, and said to take care of myself. I haven't messaged him since. He texted me a little over a week ago to say he say my fb status and that it is becoming one of his favorites .. It is a quote from a poem that is inspirational . Anyway, I got a few calls back for interviews for a few really awesome jobs . I've continued to apply here with no responses . I decided I will go interview in late April and have scheduled interviews. His mom texted me yesterday and said she felt bad but that he called and told her he went sight seeing in NYC and she asked who he went with and he went on about some girl classmate he likes or something . She knew I was going for interviews and didn't want me to go not knowing or something . I don't know whAt to do. I was going to leave him be for a month then a weeks or so before coming test the waters with a few texts and mention id be in town for interviews if he'd like me to return some of his belongings . I really feel like we are meant to be together , but I'm feeling sort of like I messed things up here and drove him away .... Do you have any advice ? I don't want to scare him by interviewing there but I really do hate t here and liked it there when I visited , plus either of these two awesome jobs would be really amazing for my career ....

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Go for the job interviews. What you plan on doing seems like a good idea. All the best.

      Reply
    • Whattodo

      I think the hard part will be playing it cool if he does say yeah and agrees to see me. I wish it was easier to control my emotions , but it really does hurt that barely 3 weeks after we break up he is seeing someone else, when he told me he wasn't apposed to eventually trying to work things out, but that the way things have been going we needed to break things off right now so we don't resent each other . He's told me so many times that he trusts me more than anyone in the world and loves that he feels like he can be completely open with me without feeling judged when he is used to always having to be "on". Do you think he was maybe seeing her before we split ? I don't want to think that because he is someone I've always considered to be a very honest person ... I'm just really unsure now ... It thought we'd be able to work things out ... But now I don't know. Do you have any advice to help play it cool when you're nervous or upset ?? It would probably help for my interviews too. Ha!

      Reply
    • whattodo

      Im so mad at myself! I was looking at his fb, which I know I shouldnt be, and I accidently liked a post someone posted on his wall, because I was scrolling with my finger on my Iphone. Do I really have to start over? Im so mad at myself. ughhhhh. Can I just add a few days, or maybe like half a week. I just dont want to let him know spur of the moment that Im coming out for interviews and not give him time to digest it.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't worry about it too much. It was an honest mistake. Try staying away from his facebook though.

      Reply
  • jay

    I've been talking to this girl i meet on fb. She is from another state. We have been talking for about 3 months. She and I text alot becuase of the time difference and work. She loved the gift i got for her and me to wear. 5 days ago i get a text from saying not to send things because her mother got into it with her. I questioned her about it, and she was mad. And today she just told me that she was not interested in me. What should I do, I really care about this girl alot to move to state where she's from. Any advice would be great.

    Reply
  • Jim

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 6 months. It was extremely intense and we fell deep in love together. Although at the beginning of the relationship I went to Uni and flirted with guys and kissed a girl. This all came out over christmas and I opened up about my past etc. I left University because I became ill and went through depression. I kept questioning the relationship and didn't want to be with him because I felt so guilty. I pushed through and fell back in love with him. However, a week before my birthday he ended things with me. He still cant explain it properly and is giving me bad excuses as to why. We would stay at each others house all the time and had a few days off a week. He said I was too needy. However, now I have got my independence back but he still doesn't want me back. Now I have noticed he is back on a dating app and has put new pictures up. I feel he has had a confidence boost with his new tattoo and car and wants to do better than me. I don't know if he is looking for a rebound or just trying to get over me. It makes me sad because he told me he doesn't want anyone else and wants to focus on himself this year. He said he doesn't want a relationship. We are having no contact but he keeps checking my snapchat my story all the time. They are indirect pictures but I can see he keeps checking them. He told me he has never felt this way about anyone before and we even spoke of moving in together and marriage before Christmas. He has been hurt in his past by past relationships where they have cheated and technically I did but I didn't sleep with anyone. Do you think he is scared to get hurt? Do we have unfinished business?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He might be scared to get hurt. It's hard to tell his reason for breaking up though. But, I do think you have a chance of reconciliation. It's worth trying at least once.

      Reply
    • Jim

      Thanks Kevin,
      It has been driving me insane. Today he has blocked me on snapchat after I posted a picture saying I'm going out tonight. He seems to get all defensive when I go out and is scared I will meet someone. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me yet he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He wants no contact. Should I have no contact for a while and if so how long until I contact again. I really want to send his mum a birthday card in a months time.

      Reply
    • Jim

      Hey Kevin, so it has been 2 weeks of no contact so far and its been quite good getting myself back together. Got into university, preparing to start learning to drive, feel confident and happy. My ex went for his tattoo monday and i was booked in tuesday. Our tattooist told me he looked miserable and no where near as happy as i looked. I am hoping this is a sign that he is realising what he has lost. Although the past day and especially today I have been feeling really down. I am pushing myself not to text or call and to be honest I deleted his number anyway. He basically told me he doesn't feel the way he used to with me anymore because I changed. He can be very stubborn at times and has a lot of pride. I'm worried we wont talk because of this and he thinks we wont talk again until next year. Even Monday I refused the urge to go to the tattoo shop to see him. I feel like I am getting somewhere but I just can't get over him. I feel like I lost my best friend. Am I on the right track or am I just hoping for a lost cause?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you are on the right track. Contact him when no contact is over. All the best.

      Reply
  • flor

    So me and my ex broke up almost 4 years ago and and he has "moved on" he tells me I also have a bf but he just got in contact with my sister and asked for me and then he asked to talked to me with the excuse of trying to help me move on he said he told his new gf of 1 year and 6 months that he wanted to talk to me and help me.. idk if he wants to get me back or he wants me back im so counfucied we talked like for about 2 hours and he told me that he wouldn't leave his gf that his just calling me to help me and then he told me that he was goi g to keep on calling me every once in a while I need help im afraid of getting more attached to him I need your help idkif he misses me and wants us to have another chance with me im counfucied help

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He wants to help you move on after 4 years? That's kind of strange. I think he might want to try again with you or maybe he is just looking to find a way to sleep with you.

      Reply
  • Breaths

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year and 4 months and we were going through al ot and all of a sudden a boy told me that he was trying to talk to another girl so when I asked him about it he told me he wasn't but then in a text message she was like oh I did give her my number and I do kind of like her a little so I try to deal with that and so many people were trying to talk to him about it and even I.when I asked him was we going to get back together he told me yea but not now!!But he go out with someone else how do I get him back?

    Reply
  • Nikki

    Kevin,
    I have been with my, well now my ex, for 3 years. We have had our ups and downs. We have a child together. We started having a lot of issue's after our son was born, long story short I kicked him out last November. We ended up trying to work things out, but I found out he has a girlfriend the time we were apart, a 21 year old girlfriend at that. We decided we were going to try and work things out. He moved home in January, and than he started being distant... well, I decided to follow him one day and the girl that he was dating, showed up there to pick him up. that was it. I told him to pack up and move on. But, I have a lot of time invested in this, and I just want to know if you think this I the girl for him? is it a rebound?

    Reply
  • Sam Turner

    hey Kevin

    Me and my ex broke up like 3 weeks ago.We have been together for 2 years. We had wedding plans already. Out of no where She started to sleep out alot at her friends house which is a girl who she works with. She has moved some of her stuff out of my apartment. she still stops by every day to see our dog only when im not home and im at work. I found out that she was talking to a guy who she works with and she always called him as her friend. Then one day i notice that she blocked me from facebook and i found out that she is in a relationship with that same guy she called him a friend. She said she cant move the rest of her things out of my apartment cause she cant find a new place to live yet. She texts me everyother day asking about our dog . I try not to contact her and wait for her to contact me. i wanted to know if this guy is just a rebound or she has really moved on to another guy cause i really to love her to death.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's probably a rebound. However, you should apply no contact and really think whether or not you want to be with her. There is a good chance she cheated on you while she was in the relationship with you. She chose not to talk about her problems and decided to bail instead of giving your relationship another chance.

      Reply
    • Sam Turner

      Thanks for replying back
      We were having some money issues when we were togther. Do you think there is a chance of us being together again or i should just try to move on with my life cause she was everything to me and i really want us to be back together again.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think there's a chance. It's definitely worth giving it a shot once. If it doesn't work, you can close this chapter and try to move on.

      Reply
  • sara

    Hi, so my boyfriend and I of a year broke up 4 1/2 weeks ago. He immediately got in what I'm terming a "rebound" relationship. And had been sleeping with us both until I found out about her two weeks ago. Until I found out about her we had been meeting about once a week and discussing our relationship, and he had hinted about me moving to Texas with him after graduation (college) in 3 months. So then I found out about this girl (luckily I didn't freak out) he didn't tell me though, I noticed she left things in his room. So the next week I went and got the remaining things I had at his place she was there but he had her stay in the basement. The next day she tagged him in a couple photos on her facebook. I wouldn't have seen them if it weren't for my friends as him and I are not friends on it right now. However, he still has things at my house and we both still have keys to the other's home. I know we are not done with each other (otherwise I wouldn't be here) and he wouldn't hide her from me (or so I'm assuming). So I think I'll apply the no contact rule, but what do you think about this other relationship?

    Reply
  • John

    Dear kevin

    So this is my situation. I started talking with a girl in septembre for about 2 months. It was really intimate and it was kind of love. And she asked me to go out with her but i refused because i was scared. But she told me that she loved me and that she cared about me. She even told me even after refusing that she wants me. And still i refused. And so to forget about me, she started dating someone. It's a long distance relationship which she didnt tell me about it until i asked her out to go out for a lunch with me for valentines day. And that drived me crazy but i didnt show any of emotions. She asked me why i waited this long and i told her that i was scared. After that i disappeared from her house for 2 weeks then i came back. But we didnt talk or anything like that until one day i started texting her. She told me that i she broke up with her boyfriend because he was ignoring her. I said ok so i started talking to her again for about two weeks. I took her to the parc, to some nice places... and so this time i asked her out. But she responded "let me think about it". And the reason why is that her boyfriend started talking to her again. So she said to me that it wouldnt be fair to the guy since he didnt do anything to me to break up with him. And so we brokeup. And the next day i went to her house and there were a lot of our friends. I saw her face and looked like she was hurt and it was really awkward between us.

    What should i do to get her back because i really want to be with her.
    Please help me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Stay in touch with her. Don't force her and keep meeting her and having fun with her. I'll not recommend no contact since you two were never technically dating and you never really broke up.

      Reply
  • emma

    hi kevin
    I was dating a guy for 5 months everything was going so well he was always showering me with compliments telling me how hot and such a good person I am and how lucky he was to have me. Anyway he sent me a big bunch of flowers and the next week he dumped me over txt message saying it was hard for him to do this ect. I happened to meet him on a night out and he stopped me to tell me how gorgeous I was and that was on my fb (he is not on fb so was on a friends page) he was txt after saying that I didn't know what was going through his head. the thing is he was in a serious relationship that ended a year before he met me because he didn't want to get married or have kids (she was 5 years older) I contacted him after 3 weeks and he was very friendly so I made the mistake of sending a txt a few days later saying asking did he want to meet up and have a chat about things he replied 24 hours later saying he knows it was hard to send the txt but he wants to be on his own for now that hes not ready for anything and he really likes me and he genuinely wants to be friends. I have a feeling he is txt'n some else at the moment. what should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Start no contact for another 3-4 weeks and text him again. This time, when you ask him to meet, just say you want to catch up, instead of saying "talk about things".

      Reply
  • Nina

    Hi, I love your website and now I rlly need some advice.
    My ex and I broke up a long time ago (two years ago). I called it off but I was young and immature. I am still madly in love with him and I probably messed up on all of your steps because I seem like a crazy needy ex now. He has been dating this other girl for a year now (I saw it coming and warned him) and now I don't know what to do. I know my chances of getting him back are very slim but I would do anything. Rlly. So please tell me what to do. I need your help. PS prom is in two weeeks and he will probably take her not me. Is there anything I can do? Help me please

    Reply
  • Christina

    Hi,

    So I've never trusted these things before but your article actually seems pretty reliable so here I am. So backstory is that my ex and i broke up 6 months ago because of long distance. Initially he was texting and calling me post-breakup but I told him I didn't want to talk at all since I didn't know if I was going to move. When he did find out I was moving to where he was, he again started texting me all the time saying that we should hangout when I do move up there. However, once I did move he kinda stopped texting me. Two months later I find out he is dating one of his best friends in college who used to like him when we were together who he had said he wasn't interested in. Unfortunately I may have screwed up on your rules because after finding out he was dating someone else I told him that I couldn't talk to him because I still had feelings and wanted to do the whole "out of sight, out of mind" approach. So now I'm at a loss. Is this a lost cause or can I possibly win him back?

    Reply
  • Mary

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me because he has facing some issues with his job, so he decided that he "needed to focus on his career", and doesn't want a relationship right now. It's been 3 months and I have been in no contact for about a 35 days now. On day 30, I looked at his social media sites, and I noticed that he looked so happy! He added a ton of hot women on Instagram and is openly flirting with them. I am so heartbroken that he moved on so fast, and forgot about me. The relationship was very good until he faced problems in his career, and got depressed for a while. But now, he looks all happy and flirts with many new women. He was going out and having fun the whole time and never made any effort to contact me (except sending me a "happy bday" message).

    I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I am totally in love with this man, but it looks like he doesn't care at all. No contact didn't help so far. What should I do? please advice!!

    Reply
  • Jessica

    HI Kevin I really need your help .... idk what to do so this my issue i been with my boyfriend since we were 17 years old i never ever been with anyone but him for 4.5 years on the other hand he has we broke up 2 years into our relationship when i was 20 i stayed harted broken but eventually got over it had fun stop talking to him because he had someone else march of 2012 we started talking again we feel back in love and gave it another try we been togathet 2 years know so in December he got a new job who payed him nice we were happy planing a trip being happy i would do everything for this man cook him lunch wash his clothes i would wake up a 2 in the morning to help get ready for work around February he started to push me away he told he was hanging around friends so i thought not much about it but he would always want be around them so i got mad and had a few arguments with him but then February 17 he brook up with me he told he need space so i applyed the NC rule but failed when he called me 3 days later he asked if i could cook for him for work so like a dummy i did because i really loved him we talk and we kept the cycle like this tell Saturday when i saw him a restaurant with a girl i fallowed him to her house and confronted him we end up in a huge fight we kept contact after that though the next Saturday he called me to tell he was dating her but that it was nothing serious not to woory that we were on a break wnd there was a high chance we be back together sunday i found out the girl slept with a friend of ours so i told he got mad at me and told me he wanted nothing to do with me he got over that and said he dumped her he tried inviting me to a concert 2 days later but my family and friends told me it was not a good idea so i didnt go we talked the next day and asked him if he wanted me back in his life ever and he told idk so we didnt talk for 2 days after that he was leaving on a business trip but i found it wasnt true he took that girl out of town so i called really mad and he told to leave his new gf alone that he liked her that she nice to him not clingy needy or crazy that she was a way better person then me after that he called back and ask if i was feeling okay i told its his life im let do what he wants spring break came and i had a break down and called him to leave the girl not through away our 4.5 year relationship he told no that he wanted to be with her because it was something new and exciting and he just to do something different i cried and told why being like this do you even care about he told yes so after that we didnt talk tell 5 days later he told he was happy with his new gf alwayz rubbing it in my face to just leave him alone so i did I did the NC rule for 8 days he was texting during those days i didnt text back then he called 3 times i didnt call back then i broke on Saturday i called him and asked why he called me he told because he wanted to place a restraining order on me i was in shock since i did do anything to him found his new gf wants it not him so i could stay away for good he was rude to me when she was around but as sokn as she left he called back to tell that he was sorry and if was okay with everything i saw as a joke like really weres your balls at he would never let tell him what to dobwhen we were dating or who to even talk to he told me that we couldnt stay friends becsuse his new gf doesn't like me and she called that same day to tell things to she was mad that me and my ex still text and talk so my ex told to delete his #and he would do the same and never bother me again this just happen yeasterday its been a month since we broke up and its been a month since he dated her but she has rapoed around her finger so tight there moving so fast to hd always spending all his free time with her he sleeps over her house in the two weeks they been seeeinv eachother he told it feels like when we were frist dating it broke my heart i really love and care for my ex so much we been through alot togather we always had eachothers back he was my bestfriend my partner in crim and i miss him dearly everything about him but he happy he tells me with his new relationship idk what to do anymore i feel like im going crazy like its all a bad dream and i just want wake up from my heartache and into his arms

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Leave him alone for at least two months. His new girlfriend is controlling and jealous and I think his relationship will soon end. It's most probably a rebound.

      Reply
    • Jessica

      HI kevin

      so you know after you told not to do the NC rule yah I broke it yeasterday not on purpose though my ex end up calling me at six in the morningon his mom cell phone crying that he made a mistake and the he left his 80 for his 20 and that he missed me and loved me after that he told he would call me back later i felt on top of the world thinking my ex wanted me back in his life he called me later that day but it went south he told he didnt deserve such a great girl like me that it wasnt fair to me if we got back togather because he already slept with his new gf he told he wanted me to live life and go explorer whats out there but im not like that ill date but not sleep around he told he couldn't leave his new gf because she hasnt done anything worng pluse he likes how she dosent make him his whole world like i did i told that i could change but he said he didnt belive that because ive always been like that with him i got mad and told that i had a one nighter just because i was angery and he told its fine do what i have to do i also told i could live with out him he told me good show me honestly this break up has emotionally drained me to the point that ive hit rock bottom im so confused you tell that im an 80 and your new gf a 20 but he treats her like the 80 and me like the 20 im sick of all the BS I love him and care for him but is this a total lost cause IDK know what to do anymore

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jessica,

      Start no contact again and this time when he contacts you, don't answer till the end of no contact. You have to play it cool. If instead of trying to convince him to get back together and that you could change, you would've just played it cool, you would've increased your chances of getting back together. So the next time he calls to confess his love, don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that you still want him.

      Reply
    • Jessica

      Thank you kevin for taking the time to give me some great advice I been kicking my self for missing up that day he cried on the phone i feel like i blow my last chance for good because he told he would never talk to me again because it hurt him to much what he did to me i belive that were all human in this world that were going to do some things were not proud we all make mistakes were not perfect.

      Reply
  • Lin

    Hi Kevin,
    my bf and I were together for 3 years. We had a great sweet time and we just celebrated our anniversary one month before things happened. And i could still remember how much he put his heart to give me a surprise for the anniversary. He showed me SO MUCH love when we were together, really, SO MUCH love. All of a sudden, he changed. I asked him why and he said he was seeing someone, a girl that is opposite of me. He told me it was love in first sight. Then i asked whether he has started the relationship with her and he answered no. I gave him one day to think about it then he told me that he wanted to choose her over me, bcoz he really liked her and he wanted to try a new relationship (i think he get bored on me). So, i cried and begged and pleaded him and yes, when i cried, he cried too. I know he felt sad when he told me this.

    I just couldnt understand why he would give up our 3 years relationship over 3 weeks relationship when he barely even know this girl. Right after the day he told me his choice, he started the relationship with that girl. I felt like my heart was breaking and I didnt know why, but i seduced him when he get back home (we were living together so i still have less than 3 days before he moves out from my house) and we had sex. Why would he have sex with me if he really loves that girl? He could just simply reject me if he didnt want me. Its not like hes a sex maniac or something, i know him, he would only sleep with the girls that he really likes, i know, bcoz there were a few girls that tried to seduce him before but all failed. So this makes me even wonder what does he really feel about her? Does he really love her? Or he just wanted to try something new? If thats the case, im very confident to give him new experience if we r back together..
    And i belive, deep down in his heart, he still has feelings for me, he just forgot how sweet and how much we were in love when we were together. And i know, we were meant to be together. All i need to do is to wake him up.

    But how to do it? Do i need to apply the NC after he move out? If yes, how long does it need to be, is 30 days enough? Im afraid that the longer i wait, the more serious their relationship will be. And next month is my birthday, should i ask him out as the first text message of the reconnection? Im so afraid to lose him and i really really really want him back.

    Please please please do help me bcoz im desperately helpless here. I would really appreciate ur help, thanks a lot

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, apply no contact for 30 days. It's a rebound relationship. It's a case of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). Don't ask him out on your birthday. If he wishes you, just give him a simple thank you. Use the text messages in this article.

      Reply
  • debby

    hello Kevin,
    i've applyied nc rule for 30 days and got back to hear from him last week with some texts, last night i've asked him if he celebrated ( it was his bday) and he replied me today sending me the pics of a girl with the text "yeah, i've celebrated with her and had sex with her 5 times". what a jerk! why is he acting like this? is this a revenge? a rebound relationship? why did he act so mean? i'm desperate

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is a jerk. He is probably still holding a grudge against you. The reason he acted mean is because he is mean. I wouldn't recommend you wait for him anymore. Stay no contact for another 60 days and if you still want him back after that, contact him.

      Reply
  • cos

    Hi i wondered if you could give me some advice. Ive done all the crazy things you shouldnt do and now i am starting to be sane again. My story is my partner and i were together for 7.5yrs have kids together were in middle of a house purchase and found out i was having another baby all seemed great (im 34 nearly 35 hes 39 nearly 40). Then i found he was cheating on me for about a week (i had a gut feeling) with a girl of 26 from his work. He told me it was over with us and he would never get back with me. He still proceded to buy the house saying he thought he could transfer it into my name which we have now found out he cant do. At present its been 4/5weeks since he ended it and 2weeks we have been in new house. He is staying in house (well sleeping on couch some nights) but still seeing this girl and sometimes staying over at her house took her away for a romantic weekend etc. He has said he is staying until he has money to get a rental flat then hes out. He tells this girl how much he loves her and she is sending him rental flats all the time as she is moving in with him and hes telling her to arrange viewings. The problem is a few times my now ex has ended up kissing me passionately but then next day says its because he was drunk and it will never happen again as he was just wanting sex. The last time was last night he wasnt drunk this time but this time i pulled away and said i cant do it and ran upto my bed, this morning he said hes in a relationship and it only happened because we were together for so long and i should know he is always horny and it meant nothing with no feelings involved, he now thinks its best for him only to come back when im in my bed if he comes back at all. i asked him what HE wants and he said he wants his own place......im so confused i dont want to be just giving him his cake and letting him eat it. He has also said him being in the house with me is confusing him as when he is here he wants to be intimate with me? I love him so much and any advice help would be greatly welcomed as my hormones are everywhere with being 6months pregnant never mind all this to deal with as well.....no contact isnt an option because of kids and pregnancy as well as house

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No contact isn't option but limited contact is. Only talk to him about the kids and your pregnancy. Don't talk about his feelings and your feelings. I know it sucks but you have to accept that he is a jerk for doing this to you. Let him move out, in fact, even encourage him to get his own place. Once he is out of the house, you'll be able to focus much better on yourself. You'll have to prepare yourself for the worst. There is a very good chance he might never come back to you (although, I really hope he realizes what he's missing and comes back).

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      I told him this morning that i wanted him to not come back. He has now said he will be leaving at the end of the month to move in with her. I am so devastated but havent showed him how hurt i am, i have encouraged him to move out :( i dont understand how he can move on so fast they have only been together 6weeks and weve only been broken for 5weeks. Is this a midlife crisis he is having? Is it a rebound relationship he is in? He doesnt even bother about unborn baby? Do men return? I have so much confusion how can he be so in love in such a short space of time?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, men do return if they realize what they are missing. It could be a midlife crisis or it could just be that he is just enjoying the honeymoon phase of his relationship and when things get sour, he will realize what he left. But like I said in my previous comment, you should be prepared for the worst.

      Reply
    • cos

      I have prepared myself for the worst and its happened. He told me the other day that he has a flat just waiting on credit check which he finds out about tomoz. He will be out by this week as im sure he will pass it. He has told me that we will never see each other again ive to drop kids off at his parents where he will see them a couple of times a week then his parents will bring them back to me. Im devastated after so many years together so much time was invested and its all gone. I had been working on me always looking happy when i see him and now this. His whole family are on my side and he is giving not just me and kids up but them as well.....he told his mum about moving out and she said he didnt look overly happy and i had said the same he looked somewhat sad, but i think that may have been wishful thinking on our parts. What makes it worse is if he does have the realisation he has made a mistake he will never admit it and will never come back thats his personality and i think thats what makes me sadder knowing he might regret it but still stay with this young girl as he would never go back :(

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Maybe he won't admit it, and maybe he will. You can't say for sure. I have seen a lot of egoistic people admit their mistake when they are unhappy and/or are in pain.

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      Well i started the no contact but he had to come to the house to collect "his tv" . The kids being kids had lost the remote for it so i told him i had bought a universal one for him and i would give it to his mum when it arrives. That wasnt good enough he wanted the exact one. He started shouting at me and gathered up what was left of his things called me for everything and then left. What makes it worse is when he first arrived i was friendly and nice but his face was like fizz even before i told him. I now realise that nc is the best thing i can do as for some reason he is so angry but is blaming me. If i go nc he will not be able to blame me for anything. I will deal with him about kids through his parents no need to see him. Also he got kids on sunday was meant to spend full day with them instead showed up at his mums house 12.30 then said he had to leave to be somewhere (with the new gf) and left at 4.30. This has annnoyed me as he used to be suuch a good dad and would spend hours with kids now after not seeing them for a week only spends 4hours with them to go with gf!!!!
      Am i doing the right things and why would he leave knowing we wouldnt see each other again under such bad terms considering on friday we got on? Is this all normal behaviour?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it's normal for an ex to act this way. Continue with no contact.

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      So i just wanted your opinion my ex has started to do some strange behaviour. After saying he wants no contact he has been texting me. He is living with this young girl for 4weeks now. The other night about 23.00 i was getting text that said "borreedd what u doin ? Wake up err wake up now lol talk to me im bored sleeping are we???? Mmmmm" i only got them in morning so text saying i was sleeping and he replied right away with "lol" anyway after that he went back to no contact and was even nasty straight to point about me to his dad. His dad told him i have a medical problem with my eye thats serious and he wasnt bothered. But then today a day after his dad told him he is text me asking how my eye is and what happened etc when i told him he text saying ffs and then asked if my boiler was fixed as it went on blink.
      Im so confused as none of that was about kids and this comes from man who acts like he hates me to his parents im so confused could this be him trying to come back, could the grass not be greener with the girl who is 14yrs younger. I dont know what to think

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      It's hot and cold behavior. Don't over analyze it. Just maintain your cool and concentrate on yourself.

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      Yeah it defo seems like hot cold behaviour, its just so annoying and strange........he has text again asking how my eye is today and if heating is fixed. Its like a jekyl and hyde as how he texts me to how angry he seems to his parents hia dad just cant believe its the same person. Im just hoping he is starting to miss us and what we had as baby is due in 8weeks time and the other kids are missing him so much. Could this be a way for him testing water with me and hiding his feelings from everyone until he knows where he stands with me? Im playing it all very cool and always positive and upbeat even though everything is bad but im generally positive anyway ao its not an act im putting on. Do these things go on hot and cold for a long time? Maybe his honeymoon phase is ending with this much younger girl?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      How long it'll go on sort of depends on how fast he is able to sort out his feelings. I know cases where it has gone for over 6 months. A rebound relationship usually makes it last longer.

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      Thanks for getting back to me. Its so hard with the hot cold behaviour. Im being strong and getting on with life with kids and being pregnant but still cant believe this is all happening. He didnt contact me at all friday or saturday. He seen kids at his parents on sunday....as he was leaving in car i was arriving and as he drove passed he smiled and waved so i did same back. But hard bit was my youngest said to him "i miss you daddy will you come home when baby is born?" He is only 4, my 10yr old said dad didnt said anything just hugged 4yr old. But anyways sunday night at 23.30 i get a message from him asking again about my eye, saying kids looked smart and little one was showing him his new band. I replied back in morning saying eye is as good as it will get. Im now wondering if saying this means he wont contact me again :(
      I just dont know if this is a sign him contacting me again last night?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Stop looking so much for signs. It's a good thing that he is contacting you. But him contacting you can mean a of things and over analyzing it is not going to help.

      Reply
    • cos

      Hi kevin
      Sorry just a little more advise if thats ok. So its been hot and cold but 20th june I was told baby was to be induced early as not growing. Ex phoned me on Saturday was quite sharp with me and saying he had moved on etc whem it didnt make sense for him to say it so I said I had moved on and it was all aboit kids for me (his parents were with me and heard everything as he was on speaker) he said he didnt want to be in same room as me etc. So come sunday he arrived at his parents I was there and he was like a different person he stayed full day talking to me (never mentioned saturday phone call) made me tea and laughing then as he was leaving he said just cause we had a good day dont take it wrong way I just said he wasnt to get wrong idea. Anyway he was coming to stay with kids when I weny into have baby, when he arrived I was in labour didnt realise but his mum came and we went in ambulance he stayed with our kids. He didnt come see baby (I was out next day) he finally came on friday baby 3days old for 45mins. But he came on Saturday meant to be so I could sleep. He came upstairs was sitting holding baby and talking to me I asked him his opinion on a baby monitor and he said hed buy it I jokingly said where u getting all the money he said his "personal life nothing to do with u. Im only here for baby" again I said I didnt want him for me. Anyway 20mins later he said "right what we r going to do today is u get ready we go out for lunch and go buy baby camera monitor and baby stuff" I just agreed I was already ready so we went out to lunch to place we used to always go to, had a fun day laughing and joking being a normal family acting the way we always did. At 5.30pm he left. He came back Sunday very tired and seemed hungover (he did say hes been drinking a bit) again I expected to sleep whilst he spent time with kids. But again he said to get organised and wed go visit relatives with new baby, again another normal family day all smiles and happy he did leave an hour earlier as he was so tired
      This behaviour is crazy what is he playing at he was always into doing things with our kids, im just going with the flow but im confused by all this could seeing baby have made him question what he wants and ive basically put a wall up to protect me as ive changed more confident not stressed happy etc. What do u think of this?

      Reply
  • Ariyana

    Hey Kevin, so my ex broke up with me almost two months ago on my birthday. We have a baby together, so we are forced to talk to each other so the no contact rule is pretty much impossible. There were many things that went wrong and especially on my part. I treated him unfairly and walked all over him, but I'm learning from the mistakes I have made and want to make things work because I love him unconditionally and I want us to be a family. I've started going to therapy to better myself and I've asked him to come with me, but unfortunately he has met someone else and is growing more attached to her by the day. He feels like he doesn't have a reason that justifies breaking things off with her because I've had multiple chances and she hasn't had the chance to try, but then he throws me through loos saying that he stills feels there's something there with me and that he's still attracted to me, but is now in a sticky and doesn't know which is the right choice. He says that he wants to stay optimistic when it comes to us, but is still seeing this girl and then he encourages me to see someone to but I don't want anyone else. I want him, I love him. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Apply no contact. Let him know you need space and time and you will only be talking to him regarding the baby and nothing else.

      Reply
  • Tiease

    Hey Kevin, so me and my ex-boyfriend had been dating for about 3 years, and we broke up a week after valentine’s day over something stupid that i did. me and my friends got a ride home from a guy that my ex doesn't like. now when i got the ride from him i didn’t know that my ex still didn’t like him. and my ex was nowhere to be found. so when i got home, he texted me and asked me where i was. i told him that i was home, he asked me how and i told him that my friend Sayquan drove me and my friends home. my ex was pissed. he said i was wrong, and i wanted to avoid an argument so i just replied back with an “ok”. the next day, he doesn’t really talk to me, i’m thinking “ok, he’s still mad it’s cool he will get over it.” but no we got into a text-fight and i was confused as why he was so angry, it was all innocent, and he told me that he didn’t like the guy but wouldn't give me a reason why. i said “but Sayquan likes you, so why don’t you like him?” and he replies with “i don’t care, if i got into a car with a girl that you don’t like it would be like world war 3”. so, me being angry, me and my friends got a ride home again. and my ex broke up with me saying that i didn’t respect him. he was trying explain to me that it was a big deal, while me and a lot of other people don’t think so. so i saw how he felt and how much i hurt him and apologized a lot to him. and a week after we broke up i hear that he has a new girlfriend. i ask him about it, crying because he told me that we were just taking a break and he never told me that he wanted to move on. he told me no, he didn't have a girlfriend and he’s not ready to move on. well he told me to stop crying and to come to his house later so we could talk. when we talked i explained to him why i did it and how it was innocent it was just a ride home, and he told me how i disrespected him, and he told me that we were going to get back together but just not right now, he said he needed time to get his mind right. so i was a little sad but i accepted what he wanted, and after that, we had sex… the day after that i found out that it is true that he has a new girlfriend and i asked him why did he lie to me, and why he didn't tell me he was ready to move on, and he said it wasn't the right time to tell me. so i was just a mess i didn't know how to feel or what to do. and we talked again, last Friday and he told me that he just can’t break up with her because that’s mean, and i know it’s a rebound relationship like who gets a new girlfriend a week after you've been in a relationship with someone else for about 3 years?? and last Friday we had sex, again, yes it’s terrible, and he was texting me all weekend and i spent the whole day with him monday and then tuesday he acts like i don’t even exist like does he feel guilty for keep cheating on her with me? and i told him that i will not be his side chick and he said he knows and we keep having sex, twice monday, so a total of 5 times since they've been dating, they've been dating for 2 weeks now. And today he texted me and i told him to leave me alone, he asked me why and i said “because i’m tired of you playing mind games with me.” he replies “i’m really not i’m not playing games with you.” And so i told him that it feels like he used me for sex and he said it’s not going to happen again. And i told him how it was wrong how he keeps having sex with me and he’s dating her. He told me that it’s not going to happen again and that me and him will just remain as friends. He thought that i hated him and i told him i didn’t i just wanted him to grow up and make up his mind, he flat out told me that he wants to date other people, i asked him if he was choosing her over me, he replied yes and i replied “ok good”. He asked me if everything is really good, and i said, “yeah, i just wanted you to tell me the truth and you did.” so he said ok, and for confirmation i asked him “so you made up your mind, it’s her right?” and he said yes. and then i asked him why would he choose a new girl over a girl that has stuck by his side for the longest, and he said that she respects him, i said i always respected him, and he said no i didn't, and i told him that he didn't always respect me either, and he told me that i was right. and so basically after that i told him that im happy that i can move on now that i know that we probably won’t be getting back together, and i told him that everything is all good because we’re both happy, and he said “right”. but i know i lied and he lied too. we’re both not 100% happy. i’m upset but trying to cover it up as best as i can especially when i see him. I mean i want him back but then i don’t know because this situation really hurts and i don’t know what goes on in a man’s head i’m just still a little confused.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I have a feeling he just used that incident as an excuse to end the relationship. Perhaps he was already dissatisfied and it had been on his mind for some time to breakup. I think you should apply no contact for a couple of months and then contact him again.

      Reply
  • Vicki

    Ok so me and my boyfriend had a misunderstanding at a time when he was grieving. He said that I really hurt him and needed space which I didn't really give as I missed him. Then on Sunday I had some really bad news and rang him to see if he could watch my daughter and he was round like a flash even though he was out with the boys watching the football and we were still not on speaking terms. Anyway one thing led to the other and we ended up in bed together. The next day he said it shouldn't have happened and won't happen again and he's sorry for givin me false hope and called it a day.
    While he was here I asked if he wanted to take his stuff and he said no he will get them another time and now he doesn't want nothing to do with me. I don't understand how he can feel one way and then completely different the day after. Do you think he's just confused and needs space so I should continue with the no contact or should I just move on and forget him

    Reply
  • Jules

    Hi Kevin,
    I broke up with my ex two years ago but we had a long story with ups and downs for about 4 years. Since our breaking up he moved on a new relationship only one month later. He is still we that girl for the last two years and their relationship became serious from the first months. Recently we met each other through a mutual friend. He started accepting all the invitations for having a coffee or drink all together. Things became more complicated. We spent 4 hours together on friday, 5 hours on saturday and he even joined us on sunday too. I started thinking that he is not spending all that time for our mutual friend, since they are not so close friends, and that he did all this for me. We were even flirting, laughing and touching each other.
    On sunday i talked to him. I said that for me we can't be friends, that i'm thinking about him and i have not forgotten what we had back then. He said that it's almost the same for him, that he feels anxious next to me but thought that it could be funny to maintain a cool relationship. I said that things can be cool for an hour but not for 5 hours per day. He said that we wanted me so much then but things went bad. He would live again the beautiful part of us but not the difficult times. He was over-emotional at a moment and asked me to stop the conversation. He said that he starts feeling the same anxiety and many things inside. I asked him about his relationship. He told me that it's a relationship like all others, with ups and downs, an ordinary relationship like all others. When i saw that he couldn't continue i stopped.
    I think that if he had really moved on he would tell me. We would have said that he feels nothing more than friendship for me and that his new relationship is something really good.
    He said that he keeps in mind our good moments but our bad too.
    I'm thinking of waiting for a while for something to happen. And if not, i should move on myself. I love him, but do you think there's something more i could do?
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, you can continue meeting him and flirting with him for a while. Make him feel attracted to you again and then ask him to get back together. If he doesn't, then you move on.

      Reply
  • Bolao

    When I met my ex I was 18 years and he was 22. We met at an event that lasted 14 days so we got to know each other a little. I've never loved someone from just looking at them. He went to play some pool but he learnt that I had a boyfriend through our conversation. From there I introduced him to my best friend. Two days later they were dating. He left town before we did for his 1st job.

    Five months later he told me that he's always I loved but couldn't tell me because I had a boyfriend. We dated behind my friends back but I could stick it out. I told my best friend about it and she didn't like it. I went to university the year after that. We would plan to meet but because I didn't feel good about what I was doing, I changed numbers and we lost contact for a good 5 years.

    In 2013, 5 years after shuttered communication, I received a message from him on Facebook. I know that finding me was a mission because he didn't know my surname. He loves me still but has a girlfriend of 5 years. I stopped contacting him because he'd told me that it's hard to leave his girlfriend. This year, 2014, he still wants to meet up with me. Says he knows that he will be happy with me. Apparently, he's never felt the way he does around me with other ladies.

    We haven't kiss and obviously haven't made love. Are we not just curious about what could have been? I might travel a good 8 hours to go see him soon. I just want closure. Although they never had an intimate relationship with my best friend; I still can't imagine sharing stories with my friend about a relationship with her ex. The sad truth I still want to be with him. We contact each other once a month.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Bolao,

      It seems more of an obsession and finishing a story than love. I say go meet him and get your closure. Maybe it will work out, maybe not. Either ways, both of you will be able to close this chapter in your life

      Reply
  • Lynn

    Hello Kevin,

    Thank you for doing such a great job I have always liked reading through your advices and they have helped me clear up some questions.

    Anyway, me and my ex boyfriend broke up for about 4 1/2 months now and I initiated the break up as he was neglecting me. Right after the break up, I went out with another guy but I realised that I really wanted to be with my ex again and I went back to him. But by that time, he was already hurt and he could not trust me.
    A few months went by and he was being hot and cold all the time. I tried doing the no contact rule and it worked for about 2 weeks, but I caved in and texted him and soon after we met up all the time because he lives really near me and I would find any excuse to meet him.

    About 5 days ago he said that he still loves me and said that the reason why he was so cold towards me was because he tried not to think about the happy times as he wanted me to focus on my studies first and after that he would come back to me.

    But a few days after when we planned to meet, he suddenly cancelled through text and was really cold to me. He said that he just wanted to move on with life and forget about the pain and forget about me. I asked if he was going to wait for my examinations to be over and he replied "I don't know, see how".

    In a way I want him back but another part of me is thinking if it would make the both of us happy.
    I'm going to try the no contact rule again. But in about 1 month's time he is going to a new school which means new friends, new classmates and new girl friends. I trust that he won't find someone else but I'm also afraid that will. I really really love him. Please help.

    Reply
  • Jaylin couzens

    Me & my boyfriend had been together for a year, we were very much in love & happy, & then I ended up getting pregnant. We were very excited about it but also very nervous. But decided to go through with becoming parents. Throughout my pregnancy I started to notice a change in him. He would leave me at home by myself all day, he would ignore my phone calls & wouldn't talk to me for days mind you while I was pregnant. We broke up when I was about 8 months pregnant, but he would still come around like everything was cool, because even though he would be out doing who knows what he was very excited about being a dad at the time. Then my baby was born. We got back together & everything was pretty cool for about a month. Then he started not coming around me & my daughter. He wouldn't help with her or anything. He just would ignore me & just leave by myself with my daughter. I ended up finding out the reason why he was acting like this towards me since my pregnancy was because there was another women in the picture. I felt like he basically said fuck his family, because all it seemed like he wanted to do was be with her I realized. He would still come around us & see us but didn't wanna be there full time. It broke my heart because this man was my first love, I gave him all of me. My virginity & I had his first baby, so I didn't understand why he was doing this to us. I would blow his phone us constantly & he would just ignore me all night & day. After a few months go by things didn't get any better. This past Christmas idk what had got into him but he came back to us. He begged me for my forgiveness & promised to be the man I need & want. & things were great! I was very relieved because I was so depressed & sad everyday. Now about 2 in a half months later I'm back in the same position I was in a few months back because he is still messing with the same girl & doing the same things he had been doing. Idk what to do, I need to move on but I also have a child with this person. I'm very much in love with him & idk how life is gonna be with out him in me & my daughters life. My baby is 7 months & still needs both parents. I want to be with him more than anything. What should I do? Pleaseeee help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jaylin,

      I know it's scary that you don't know what your life will be without him. But you do know what your life will be like with him. It's going to be exactly like it has been for the past 16 months. He is going to ignore you, cheat on you, disrespect you and then come back and ask for forgiveness. Then he will start doing it again. So, life is going to be a roller coaster for you. And you will have no security and stability if you decide to stay with him.

      On the other hand, yes, life without him will be scary at first. But once you get used to living without him, you'll realize you don't need him to raise your daughter. You will realize that you are strong enough to be a single mother. And you will definitely meet someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

      Reply
  • solero

    My ex broke up with me last Oct. We'd gone out for 4 years although we broke up after the 3Rd year (initiated by me) then got back together within 5 months (initiated by me again).

    Throughout the relationship my main issue I couldn't deAl with was due to religion. I thought we had no future hence broke it off. Then I missed him and we got back together. after about 6 more months , he realised that things we're not going to change as I resisted giving it a chance as i hid us from my family so he gave me an ultimatum.

    I decided I couldn't deal with the religion again and we ended things. i never contacted him after that cos I knew I had hurt him and I should leave him alone. He was angry with me. We had no communication immediately but we are still FB friends. He only stopped following me on twitter which we both rarely used.

    In Feb, I decided to text him happy birthday.we had a brief back and forth conversation where neither replied immediately. He told me he was moving to another country to continue studying.

    In march, I was curious to see what he was up to. That's when I saw on Facebook he was in a relationship with a friend Id met before. It immediately made me upset. She is totally opposite,of me and felt like I was slapped in the face. He had moved on so soon. I don't have the heart to actually check when they posted it on fb. Already It feels too soon.

    She's the same religion as me and I never thought he was big on publicly declaring however he had wanted to hid our relationship from office colleagues. she Is big on ranting on fb.

    Well, clearly I missed him to start with which is why I checked his fb. It wasn't really the case that I saw him with someone else and then I missed him. But now, I wonder if
    he has really moved on.

    He is now in a relationship, he has moved overseas and I'm sure the girl has not gone with him. I don't have his new overseas number since we werent very friendly recently. But it seems strange to start a relationship almost immediately long distance. It has always been his,dream to study abroad and I don't think it had much to do by our break up.

    It seems I have a cycle where I miss him after 5 months. I seem to have no problems doing no contact immediately but then after 5-6 months, I can't. So I wonder do I really want him back and if yes, is it a rebound that I have a shot?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think you really want him back. You are just missing him. You have a very good reason to not get him back, and it's religion. Unless you can put him before your religion, you should not get back together.

      Reply
  • Sherin

    My ex and I dated for a few months and became really close. He broke up with me almost four months ago now. The reason was over texting to much and due to me assuming and being insecure or questioning things. He chose the no contact left me with no choice.I read the articles and I can say i probably made every mistake mention. During the no contact which he said he never wanted to hear from me again. He blocked my phone number. So I tried messaging through Facebook. No reply no response. A month goes by he calls me, which means he unblocked my number. We carry on through phone calls for the next week. I text him and next thing he's angry and blocks my number again. Which left me to continue to message through via fb trying to apologize and figure out why he would just block me and get angry over a mistake of a text. Another month goes by where I still do not receive a response. Out of no where i get a text from him saying, I hope you had a great birthday. I waited three days before responding to his text. I Replied saying thanks. Now this makes it the second time he unblocked me and has randomly contacted me as so.we continued to talk for the next couple days. I agreed to hangout with him. Soon as i agreed his behavior changed and he started pushing me away again. Responding with anger n hate saying i mean nothing to him and bringing up the past things he didn't like. I was trying to be cordial and make sense and push old feelings behind. It seem to make things worse. Made him more upset trying to push me away more,at that point i felt like we were off to a good start over again. Then he blocks my number again. Something happens a month goes by. I receive a random text from him. This time he showed no sign of real kindness or heart towards me. Seem like he was just trying to hurt me or see what my reaction would be. Then he mentions about going on a vacation as we planned when we were together or had talked about. He said like he wanted us to but he said if we can get along until then and not argue. So he has me feeling like were able to talk again and be friends great feeling. Next thing i know he's picking fights by bringing up things that he didn't like about me when we dated and assuming my future will be. Then decided to hangout i agree again, knowing each time i agree it never happens. Well no surprise as soon as i say ok and he talks me into it. He changes his mind. Says lets hangout tomorrow night him knowing I can't. Well I text him back saying im hungry im going out to eat and having a drink have fun have a great night. He responds with an attitude and different behavior towards me. As if im saying or doing something wrong by texting. He starts being mean in his text messages. Of course i respond back asking what just happened? Why are you treating me like this?'his response is" Go Away" leaving me wanting to solve the issue or wondering what just happen. Then he text me saying this is exactly why i left you "Go Away" Good bye" being mean saying mean names ect. NEXT THING I know he blocked me again. AND continues to call me crazy or say im crazy and move on. PKEASE give me some insight why or what this is indicating. I have never experienced anything or anyone like this. He says he don't miss me. Says he doesn't want me back. Tells me to move on but does this? I'M lost and confused can't understand it.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Next time he contacts you, don't answer. Start dating someone else. He is just going to continue this behavior and keep you hanging by a thread if you let him.

      Reply
  • Annie

    Me and my ex officially broke up a year ago, but somehow couldn't keep away from each other. Every time we hooked up for coffee or lunch we ended up in bed together. It used to go like that for a year, but lately he met a girl.
    And now he says, he's in love with both of us! Is it actually possible???!!! After I told him we couldn't see each other again, because it's not fair to the new girl - He actually started to cry! He said that he loves me more than anyone, he said that he'll do anything for me but is in love with her too.
    Please!!! tell me what to do.
    What do I do?

    P.S; He actually told me about the new girl, that she fell hardly in love with him, and started to pursue him all the time, until he gave up, and went to a few dates with her, and now he fell in love with her personality.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Annie,

      Apply no contact. It's possible that he might move on with the girl and develop stronger feelings for him. But there is nothing else you can do at this point. NC is a risk, but it will give him time to miss you and think about what he wants in his life. And during NC, I want you to try to move on as well. Because there is a chance that he might not come back at all.

      Reply
  • Aimee

    My boyfriend of 6.5 years just broke up with me before the birth of our son. The reason for the breakup was doubt/suspicion of cheating, poor communication, and arguing. I've offered to show my fb account, email, phone records, texts, even take a polygraph to prove Ive been 100% faithful. Im devastated by his decision and love him so. We are moving into separate homes soon but are living together until our house sells. Hes even offered to pay rent on a new place for me while our place os still on the market just to move things along. He has been talking with a friend he's had since childhood who is going through a divorce and I feel they have become emotionally connected on more than a friends basis. They both have even said they never considered eachother romantically until now that everyone is accusing them of having something more, they get along and understand eachother so well and he's so moved on from me already I'm afraid I've lost him. This wouldn't be a rebound if they decide to take it to a more than friends level and so is there anything I can do to bring him back?-with a newborn the nc rule is hard to follow & Ive already made some of the mistakes listed above :( Why is he able to be so moved on after 6 years and a beautiful baby? Should I just grieve move on and maintain a relationship for our sons sake?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Aimee,

      I am sorry this happened. His reason for breaking up is obviously complete BS. He wants to use this lame excuse to hide the fact that he has already cheated on you emotionally. I think you should try to accept the fact that he is being inconsiderate, unfaithful and he will probably never come back to you. I hate to say it, but this is what I feel. I think you should concentrate on moving on. There is a chance that he will come back if his relationship doesn't work out. But it's slim and you shouldn't count on it.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Me and my ex dated 1 year and I broke up with him saying I don't love him...right after the breakup I realized that I do but First I thought it was the missing that kept me thinking that...it has been 2 months and I decided to win him back, we met and he kissed me and told me that he still loves me but he doesn't want to get hurt again.. The next time we texted he said it was a mistake kissing me and that he thought about it and realized he doesn't love me anymore he has a new girlfriend now and I'm miserable. I wrote him all the desperate things on your list yesterday and he said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... Do you think it's serious with this girl and do I even have a chance to win him back? What should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Marie,

      There's a chance his new relationship is a rebound. I think there's a chance and it's worth giving one more shot.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    After almost 2 months of NC I contacted him using your text suggestions. We have now been in contact (via text) on a daily basis for over 10 days. We joke a lot, talk about our good times, about what we do nowadays... Nothing major, just very friendly. He is indirectly complimenting me sometimes, hinting to do fun things together.. The thing is... I sometimes feel that he gets excited talking to me, even "turned on" when we talk about stuff. Then I think: "I am turning him on and then he probably feels the urge to go see his gf". I feel that maybe I am pushing him to be more with her? They have been dating for almost 2 months. I feel that if he was really into her he wouldn't be talking to me like that but then in the last few days she posted a love song for him on FB + some other sweet things. That's why I get my doubts that maybe I am not doing everything right :D Like he is making her more happy lately... if that makes sense? It does hurt me when I see these things but I try to look at the bigger picture. He still hasn't introduced her to anyone and it's not him to be posting stuff for her/about her etc. Also, seems like they didn't do anything special for V-day, women's day etc like he did with me and we started dating around the same time of the year. By 2 months I was already "the one" and he would show me that in every way. I try to be positive thinking about that :) Any suggestions on how to proceed? All your suggestions until now were very successfull :) Thank you so much for that!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sarah,

      I'll say continue doing what you've been doing. At least for a month or two. Try meeting up with him. But don't sleep with him while he is with his girlfriend. If he doesn't break up with his girlfriend even after that, you might have to eventually give him an ultimatum. But don't do it unless you are absolutely ready to cut him off from your life if he chooses the other girl.

      Reply
  • Rose

    Hi Kevin,
    my ex and I were attracted to each other from the first moments we met. It was 6 years ago, I was then in another relationship and so was he. We created immediately a warm relationship between us, which seemed friendly but we knew deep inside that was pure love-attraction. We were two guys laughing all the time, talking about everything, changing topics, we admired each other for cleverness, humor, ideas, we used to stay up late chating on the computer and always felt like a live conversation. Everything was so nice, warm and pure.
    But back then he was slow enough to make a move on me so inside some situations i didn't left my relationship for him, while he had already broke up (not for my sake necessarily). After some months we were on a date, had a drink but again nothing happened. In a while he was in a new serious relationship.
    When he broke up after a year he talked to me again and soon enough he asked me why we had not managed to be together, cause we had the chance. After discussing about it for a while I admitted to him (on the phone...) that I had never friendly feelings for him and that I want him to be more for me. He said that he felt the same. He told me that he was hurt by the fact that I didn't broke up from my old relationship after giving him the impression that I liked him. Also, for that night out that we had he told me that he wanted and thought of kissing me but he didn't. Even before making the last relationship he was attracted to me. (I've never met a more handsome but so afraid guy till now).
    In a few months he was with another girl again. Maybe it was easier with the others.
    Some months passed and again he appeared at the old familiar places (looking for what? his last ex-girlfriend was there too...) I said hello after all that time with the prettiest smile I've got. I was happy seeing him again. Months passed and we started talking and meeting again. The same thing... He remembered things and moments and he was feeling nostalgic. I don't know...
    Finally, after three years we did it! We were together but again I think he was scared to death. But so was I. At the beginning we were on a dream. Really. We were flying! But he started talking to me about his work and the fact that we always spent so much time together and he felt panic. Also, he had problems with trusting in me. I was afraid too. I don't know... finally we started talking a lot and this wasn't good. Ok, at a last point he said goodbye.
    There wasn't even a good reason for us not to be together. I had reasons not to trust in him too. He was always with other girls out of the blue.
    The same thing happened again. He started a new relationship only after 3 or 4 weeks. During the no-contact period! I waited for him to calmed down and when I texted him he was already in love with the other girl. Maybe that was another rebound relationship but it turns out that t worked perfectly because it's been two years now and he is still with her, knowing her parents, living with her in the same house, and all that serious stuff. In the middle, one year after our breakup and him being with the other girl, he called me to give me back a book I borrowed to him once. We met and discussed a little for what happened, he told me that he missed me the days after our breakup but he couldn't make the decision to call me. Then he thought it was the best for us to be apart. Finally, he told me that I should have been more patient with him then so that we could have been together. I know that we felt again nostalgic and emotional those days, while having the other relationship. Ok, it happens to all of us.
    But life keeps us still in touch. We meet each other at the university often enough. Recently, he even agreed to have a coffee with me and some friends. During the recent period I have asked him to give me the chance to talk about thing I didn't talked before. To give and take some final explanations and close that chapter. He refused twice in a year. However, he is always warm and open and there were times when we even talked for about an hour at a corner of the building's third floor. He can do that but he doesn't want to listen or discuss deeply... And I have so many things inside. And of course he continues for a second year with the other girl.
    Every time I see his face I fall in love again. 6 years afterwards and we still cannot talk and say the truth to each other. Always afraid, always saying as less as possible.
    I made an effort to move on but didn't work. I haven't forget him and I deeply believe that we could have been good together. Time has passed though.
    What can I do? I thought of talking to him at the first opportunity even if he does not want to hear. I want to say "I love you" and he can't forbid it! But then again, what do I gain? He will tell me "ok, thank you" and will go back to his new life.
    But I think that this is the last choice. At least, he will learn the truth. But I can't beat his new relationship. The other girl had the time to connect with him strongly. And I'm nothing.
    What do I do? Speak? Forget? Wait?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Rose,

      I think what you plan to do is the only thing you can do. I think for you, it's more about closing that chapter of your life rather than trying to get him back. Yes, the other girl had more time to connect with him and he is probably avoiding you because he is committed to her. I know you feel like that somehow if he understand how you feel and he listens to what you have to say, he will come back; but in my opinion, he won't. I think he has moved on and he is committed. Perhaps talking to him will help you get closure, but I believe if you accept that he has moved on and concentrate on moving on yourself, you will realize that closure will come from inside you.

      Reply
  • Samantha

    Hi,

    My ex and I were together for 3 years. We got a dog together named blaze. My ex was everything to me he was my best friend. Last June he came home from a mission trip and said he need time to think. Stupid me didn't give him the space he needed. I knew he was talking with this girl he met on the trip and I couldn't handle it. We talked about getting married and our future together all the time and one day it just ended. It took until sep and we finally ended contact for good and went 4 months without seeing or talking to each other. In that time he met another girl and was hanging with her for a couple months and then in December started dating this other girl (his ex from high school) and they have been together for 2 months now or so. I went nc to try and get him back and now he has moved on:( I tried to contact him in January after seeing him for the first time in 4 months and I text saying hope all is well, he responded saying I couldn't be happier right now and I told him I was glad. ( I was lying of course)... I waited a week and sent another and he said I'm not trying to be an a** but I'm dating someone right now and it's going great and I'm great thanks. He won't talk to me or make a real convo. It's been 9 months why can't I get him to talk to me? And when we run into each other he just ignores me and can't even wave or say hi or anything..? I don't understand. I miss him so much and want him back but it seems to be too late. I know that no one likes his new girlfriend and wants us back together but I'm not sure how to get him back... He was my first love and first boyfriend. I was his first real love and longest relationship.. I knew from the moment I saw him he was the one that's why I can't give up, he's way too important to me.. What do I do? I've tried so many things...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he is cold every time you contact him, then it's very hard to change his mind. The only thing you can do is start dating yourself. It might make him jealous and want to contact you. If he still doesn't contact you, you should try to move on.

      Reply
  • Sha

    We coupled up when we were 16 years old. At the beginning , I am sure that he was not serious me and I never thought that I would be as serious with him as well. Until at one point I realise that I am madly in love with this guy. We were all good at the beginning but I realized that he has a high need of physical relationship like hugging , kissing and touching. Me being a religious person made it hard for me to give way to this and I am not sure as to why I even let it go in the end. However, in 2006 ( when we were 16) during the school holidays, It was very difficult to reach him as he was always away due to his chess tournaments but I found out that he initiated flirting with my good friend who is very much prettier than me and he even asked her out for a date. Eventually he broke up with me and in Feb 2007, we reconciled. For that year, we were not greatly in love , I still missed him though we were in the relationship and he felt the same, It went on and he was busy with his tournaments and again when his ex girl came into the picture he left me broken. Practically that one year, I was just there as a thing and he has hurt me so much when his ex came into picture. I could not take the heart break until I even attempt suicide. He changed his contact number and told all my friends not to give his new number to me. I was very very hurt with the way how he behaved. He knew I was being hospitalized. I was also working towards my final examination and the pressure was very overwhelming. One the exam days, I wished him luck because I still love that guy and I was hoping he would reconcile with me. He replied and he admitted of having sex with a girl whom I do not who she was till today and that how fun it was but he also told me that he felt guilty and will never do it with another person. What I didn't understand is his need for having to communicate that with me when he told me that he dont love me anymore. He could have kept it with him and the next day he said he was just testing me if I was suicidal which is a bull shit. He gave me a complete mental torturing. The problem was I love him. So what he put me through I was just facing it. He has chronic atopic dermatitis on his face and skin. After schooling days, he stopped on all his medication as it was damaging his kidney and we were still meeting each other. He made out with me for the first time at his old house and he will hold my back and say that there is no feelings but he still makes out. he still needed me. But he knows that I love him. The problem here is if he did not love he should not even had initiated all this when he found girls who can have sex with him and walk out. This went on for 2 years. Once I declined going to his new house for make out and he got so upset about it and refused to speak with me for 5 months. He was so harsh on me and surprisingly after that 5 months of not talking with me, he reconciled with me for real. The day he makes out after the 5 months of not talking, he again makes out and when I said we should not then he said we will be together. He confronted to me after his pre u , and he told me we should be together. Things were different since then, he was very sincere in working things out and shortly after that he left to UK for his studies. It has been LDR since then. However, I knew he loved me, He texts me , and we do work it out. He came and met my family and I pawned my jewels and was doing 3 part time jobs to save some money and pay him visit in UK. He took me to Paris by surprise and after the trip. I paid every single cents he spent on me since he is not working there and I do not feel right to use his money.
    He took me to is family on his brother wedding day . We being Indians and he coming from a rich family, it meant so much for me and he even mentioned to his friends gf that he made mistakes before and she is the one whom I will be likely marrying with. He was very nice and absolutely caring towards my feelings. He promised about marriages every time we make out. Because I always feel I need to have intimate relationship with the man I am going to marry and not anyone else. He knows this well.
    After he left for his last year, things changed. Without any signals, he decided to let me know that he is confused about us since he wants to just stay in London and not come back and get a ob there and since I am financially weak and will not be able to come there, he thinks its better to just call it of. Despite of everything we went through, he accepted me to accept his decision. That time he still loved me. He did not sit and discuss with me his plans. He said he cannot afford to be self fish by calling me there but he also knew how important he is in my life. Imagine that he could say no mater what he does or tell , I will never leave him. He was very cold with me for a month after that, he hardly spoke but we didnt break up that time. In between i saw some birthday pictures of him with his friend dancing and that friend is whom he went holidays with on his friend's facebook. She is of different religion like his ex gf and she was practically hanging over him. I do noticed that lately, the communication is more there compared to me. I lost my nerves and confronted the girl immediately on this mater and she denied. she said she is sorry and that she is just a close friend and my bf then also denied and he was very upset that I even suspected and asked her instead of waiting for him. From my side of view, I cannot afford to lose him anymore. I had lost him before to a ex gf when i trusted him almost 100%. He again was silent for about 4 months and then he decided to just call it off. He did not even initiate any conversation. He said he is sorry for everything one night. I did not know what to expect and I said I am sorry to, I believe things were so intense and he thinks I made him as a laughing stock then. He posted on his FB that certain decision in life you will make, you shall regret but cheerish the one who was there for you when you were down, I thought he finally did realize something but to my dismay when I initiated talking he just broke up with me and asked me to just move on. He said its a waste of time since its a LDR and he wants to stay there and as I said he makes his own decision and never both to sit with me and discuss and Now I know that he is with the same girl I suspected him with and I even had begged her to let him go but she had blocked me. I feel so cheated and I feel so terrible heart broken. I think of suicidal attempts again and I have lost 10 kgs. I still love him from all my heart until I cried over to his mom for help because he does not want to listen to me at all. I always cared for him and saw him as part of me. While breaking up with me he said, he never loved me before. That was so heart breaking because he mentions he loves me almost every day I was there with him and when we talk and chat and he even promised me of marriages.
    How can that be not true

    The break up was rough till my dad sent him a harsh message and his anger on me increased.

    Is he a very self centered person or a narcissist
    Now that with his new gf, I noticed that he took her to Rome (2013 Winter) whereby in 2012 winter, I was there with him in Paris.He even has placed his picture with her as a profile picture. All the years with me , he had hardly put that on. I am very jealous and I also am in denial state but when I think about everything that I have had been through for him both financially and emotionally, I think I have had just been taken for granted. He is proud for having her or maybe she has accommodated his needs better than what I did but I guess I have had lost the race. There were days in my house where we had to sell off the scrap metal for food but I never felt bad about my life. I worked hard and never felt envied on what others have. But I cannot tolerate all this misbehavior and how I just became a sex slave for him without any intimate love.

    I think I just feel too numb now for anything. But I started to think as well, what sort of future I can have with a man who does not hold responsibility for his actions and words and worst he can find replacement before walking out of me completely. I guess with his health problem, he always demand constant attention and from the time I know him, he was barely single for 6 months. I was always there. Terrible feeling.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Sorry you had to go through this. I will advise that you forget about him and move on. He is young and confused about what he wants in life. He is going to hurt you more. Even if you want to get back together, initiate no contact for at least 60 days.

      I don't think he never loved you before. It was very mean of him to say. Sometimes people say very mean things after a breakup just so their ex leaves them alone. Yes, it was selfish of him. But think of it this way, he did you a favor by ending it right now rather than ending it after 3 more years.

      Reply
  • Jaja

    Hi we were together for 3 years and then his ex started contacting him again saying she still has feeling for him my boyfriend decided to talk to her behind my back to say that it was over between them and she should stop. Obviously he did that for us but things went the other way. My boyfriend felt that he still has feelings for her and that he loves her more than he loves me and that's why he ended things with me.

    Here's their story:
    ]They were high school sweethearts when they went to college they lost their communication and things ended between them but every time they see each other the feeling is still there and every time they try to make a relationship out of it something always goes wrong and nothing happens.

    Do you think there is really somethings between them? or this is just the same cycle. I really love my boyfriend and i want to get him back. I want him to realize that he made the wrong decision.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      The only thing you can do to make him realize he made the wrong decision is by leaving him alone and start living your life to the fullest.

      Reply
  • Patricia

    Hey my name is Patricia and I was with my ex for 10 months. We broke up due to me not really having fun when we went out and did things which I see now as true in some situations. I have definitely changed a lot since our breakup and realized the mistakes I made in our relationship and I have been doing great on working on myself.... Anyway When we tried talking about it he was saying how he needs time to think and that he doesn't know what he wants to do. I was very upset that he was having second thoughts to our relationship so I just ended it. For a couple weeks after that I sent some pretty needy messages but then stopped cuz it wasn't doing any good.. He ended up saying "I hate this babe I care about you and probably always will but I just can't do this anymore" then a few days After that he asked me if I would want to do a friends with benefits which I did not agree to then I went into NC. About 9 days later he initiated asking me if I hated him which I just responded with a simple no and continued the NC. 10 days later he initiated again saying stuff like "I still think about you all the time and I miss the times we used to have and I wish I still had you but I screwed everything up" then we talked some but then I find out that he has a new girlfriend just a week and a half later. I then went into NC for 38 days and sent him a message asking how his new year was so far and he responded with "please stop talking to me would be greatly appreciated I am with my girlfriend right now" I respected that and have been in NC since. So now I'm on day 50 of NC and he has been with this new girl for 3 months now. I was thinking about waiting 95 days of NC and sending him a little message letting him know that I was thinking about him... What are your thoughts on my situation and what I should do from here?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There is a good chance he is in a rebound and he will eventually break up. You can try contacting him again after 95 days. And if his response is the same as before, then I think it'll be best if you move on.

      Reply
  • Mary

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 2 years and 7 months (and friends for 4 years before that) when he broke up with me, 5 weeks ago. When we got together I still had two year a of school and he headed off to medical school. We did long distance for 2 years, which was really rough but we made it. I joined the college he is at last year and the first 3 months (first term) was great, so so so good. At the end of this term he became really close to a housemate who recently lost a relative, her boyfriend of 3 years wasn't treating her right either so he helped her through her break up with him. I barely saw him during the holidays as we were both busy, the w hen we came back to college he ended it, claiming he didn't want to do long distance again (we would be next year and the year after). He said he started feeling this way at the same time he started helping his housemate. The following day we met up and he said he wanted to try again but the day after said he wanted a break, he said he still cared about me, wanted to be friends and meet up and do things (I said no because I was angry, which made him really upset). We had tickets to some events the following weeks which he cancelled without telling me :( He stated yet more reasons - wanting more than one relationship, not wanting to settle down yet, wanting to be able to travel, not seeing us having a future together, not feeling the same way anymore, his heart not being in it anymore. He was being really caring and said he'd help me through etc, until the following day when he just became angry and stopped talking. I messaged him for about 4 days with no responses until the 5th day when I got a VERY formal email to say it was over, written in a formal manner as thought we never knew each other, I carried on messaging for a few days but gave up after about a week. We met up to exchange possessions a week after we broke up, I read him a letter of apology that i'dwritten and reminded him of some good memories, he left me crying alone ona. Bench and told me we could never be together again, we can't be friends and we can't talk anymore. I still have some of his possessions. The hardest part is we were each other's first relationship, we talked about getting married and having children and our future together, his family are my second family and vice versa. I came to this uni so we could be together as well. I contacted him 2 weeks later, he said he didn't know when he'd be ready to talk, but didn't want things to be messy. I left it another 18 days and sent another message of apology and just asking to meet up and start fresh, no response. It's now been 5 weeks since the break up, I haven't hear from him for 3 weeks. I also think he is now with his housemate... He posted some photos on fb of them together and hid them from me. I keeps seeing his friends on campus and they all ignore me and it's hell, I want him back, I feel like we were soulmates :( I don't know what to do :( the thing is, we agreed not to live together until after college (I'm 19 and he is 21) because we didn't want to rush things, yet he's now in a relationship with his housemate... And they'll be long distance next year, and they're already having sex?! What is going on, what do I do? :(

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mary,

      I am going to say something you won't like. It was your first relationship. And he wants to try other relationship and not settle down right now. Perhaps, you should leave him alone and let him find out what he wants in life. If you try to get him back, he will always have it at the back of his mind that he never got the chance to explore his options. If you let him go and he comes back, you will have him 100%.

      But there will always be a chance that he won't come back. And you should be ready for that. Which is why I want you to use this time to explore your option as well. I know it's really hard since it was your first relationship, but it's something that almost everyone has to go through. I will suggest you concentrate your efforts in moving on.

      Reply
  • alexis

    Kevin,
    My situation is the new typical. I had friends with benefits type of deal, and fell in love with the guy. He ended it saying he didnt feel the same way, and ended it. But we could remain friends.
    So i applied the no contact rule. And didnt speak to him for almost a month. Unfortunately we work together so now we are being friendly. Hes in a relationship and i still love him. I just want to know how to get him to commit. We were together for seven months unofficially. What do i do

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, it's a tricky situation. Was he in a relationship while he was friends with benefits with you? Or did he start the relationship after he ended it with you?

      I think you just need to apply no contact and give him some time. If he breaks up with the new girl, good. IF not, you should try to contact him and build attraction.

      Reply
  • Dells

    Hi Kevin,
    I was with my guy for a year then we broke up. After we ended our relationship I started a NC rule and after a month or so we started talking and began seeing each other again. The problem was afterwards he was so insistent he didn't want a relationship. I would get tired of the non-commitment I want my cake and eat it too and would we would end up fighting. I gave up on him and began a new relationship with someone else. It made my ex very unhappy. After cutting him out of my life again for a little over a month we began talking. My new relationship was long distance and I could only fly to see my guy once a month. My ex-boyfriend was on his best behavior. He was taking me on trips, giving me gifts, being my companion and friend and when I was unhappy with my relationship he was always there. He started showing behaviors like he wasn't scared of commitment finally and he was making steps in the right direction on being there for me and my sons. After about 5 months of my new relationship it was on its way out. I cheated on my new boyfriend with my ex. I ended my new relationship and thought that my ex and I were going to work things out. For a few months he was great, but I never demanded he say I am his girlfriend. After awhile he put distance between us and all the old "we are not in a relationship" attitude came back. We began fighting about his distance and odd behaviors for the last two months where I would go through periods of not talking to him and then when the other ex boyfriend died at the end of November 2013 he immediately contacted me to be there for me. He was great for a week, but I could still feel and see the fear of commitment behavior. He kept telling me he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, its not me. We have either been together or acting like we were together without the title and not seeing others except for my relationship for 3 1/2 years. I got tired of him eating his cake and started a huge fight where he said he was finally ready to let go. That was on New Years Eve and I have maintained no contact since. My problem is I love this man, he is my other pea in my pod. When I cut him out of my life something is missing, he pushes me to be a better person, and I hate not having my best friend. When we go too long without talking he shows up to my family parties (he has been friends with my brother and sister for 13 years) and we end up speaking again. He is apparently attending my family event in two weeks. I am still so upset with him because of new circumstances. This time is different, right after our fight he immediately started dating someone else besides me in 3 1/2 years. He said he didn't want a relationship with anyone yet I am almost sure this girl is his girlfriend. I want us to work out at some point. I believe that is how it is meant to be. I just don't know how to act or what to do when I see him. The last thing he told me was we needed some separation and he didn't think we were going to work out. I told him I didn't want to ever be friends, I can't be just friends with someone I am in love with. I need advice on how to deal with him at the event. I know one thing, I am going to make sure I look amazing. Also I have this deep urge to find out if she is actually his official girlfriend and remind him that he told me he didn't want one of those. I am excited to see him, angry, hurt and scared at the same time. Any advice you offer is much appreciated.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't remind him that he didn't want a girlfriend. It's going to look like you are trying to control him. I know you want him in your life, but unless he realizes he wants to commit, you can't do anything.

      Reply
  • lisa

    to keep it short my ex and i were together and living together for 5 yrs. we broke up last april and even tho i was crushed and he said he still loved me but was too stressed out in our relationship always worrying about me (he was cheated on in his past) i did let him down on a few occasions but thru-out the breakup we continued to sleep together, hang out talk etc even tho he said he didnt want the commitment. we had a fight 3 weeks ago after going out on the town dancing and having sex. he had even mentioned trying to get me preg. anyway during the fight he gave me bak my house keys and said erase him from my life. we went 3 days without speaking then i wrote him saying i was letting him go but wud always love him. he said ok and wished me well. then we slowly started talking again thru text and phone. i noticed on fb this girl put in a relationship the same day id wrote him the letter. then she tagged him in pics. even tho his status says single and he still has my pics. i called and asked him if he had a girlfriend. he said no he was dating people but nothing serious. then one of my friends boyfriends called harrassing me and wen i let my ex know he got mad and told the guy to leave me alone and referred to me as his girl. i know he did it because he cares but my ex will admit we have a strong connection, friendship and good sex but i think hes afraid of getting hurt again. im working on self improvement and jus wanna know do u think theres a chance? i see me marrying this man one day. we have a huge age gap. im much older, mayb i jus need to let him live out his youth? y is he denying the girl on fb?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is denying the girl because he doesn't want to lose you. He is afraid if you think he has moved on, you might also try to move on. But you need to stop having sex with him until he commits. If possible apply no contact with him. Let him know you need some space and time and you'll contact him after that.

      Reply
  • Emme

    Kevin,
    I desperately need your help! The love of my life and I broke up over a year ago because I found out he was doing drugs and lied to me about it so I broke up with him immediately and threw him out. This has been the biggest regret of my life. We've had very little contact since. He stopped answering my phone calls, texts, emails, blocked me on facebook and even ran out of a bar upon seeing me. The last 2 times we saw each other were last july and last november. He was much more cordial to me. We spoke civilly and he always made it a point to say how good I looked. Oh advice from my brother, I decided to send him a mix tape on Valentine's Day saying I'm sorry and that I still loved him (I said this thru the music, not on paper). Then yesterday he emails me: "Hey, I got the package that you sent to my office. What we had is in the past, and things are different for me now. I wish you happiness but I've moved on and you should too." That clearly means he's seeing someone else but it's not on facebook. Please please help me! I am desperate to get him back!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Emme,

      It was a bad move to send him the package on Valentine's day. But regardless, you still can give it one more chance. You need to start no contact for at least 60 days before contacting him again. This time, take things slowly and build attraction before confessing your love.

      Reply
    • Emme

      Should I reply to the email saying that he's right and I'm over it or just go straight to NC?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yeah, you can reply to his email. But wait for a week before doing that. Then start NC.

      Reply
  • kk

    hi Kevin,
    I am not sure whether you are still active on this site and reply to comments soon but I shall be waiting for your reply soon as after reading your section I think you can help. I am in immense pain and I really need you to help me.
    My situation is such that few years back I was in a abusive alcholic relation and so one day I decided to put my foot down and enter a no contact period till he could respect me but sadly the worst happened. He kept calling and trying to talk to me and then one morning I woke up with the news that he met with an accident and died. It is the most worst shock or punishment God must have given me for entering the no contact period. I felt guilty of not being there for him and till date could never forgive myself. But it seems God punishment for me did not end. Then I met this guy after few years and he was the perfect man for me. We had a great relation and bonded extremely well. And then as if destiny played its role and one day he just decieded to end the relation because his ex walked in to live with him. I was shocked as I was seriously weaving a nest with him. I did all stupid things like begging, callingand messaging a thousand times, sometimes angry, sometimes pleading ....I know it always goes against as he did his best to avoid and unanswer all my calls..I knew he will never value me till I keep hovering around but due to my past experience I could never enter a no contact period, as I never want to lose this man forever.... Yes, but I did try sometimes 30 days, sometimes 45 days..or so and he always would react nicely to me after a gap but again I would become needy and he would go away as he said that he loved me but now he has moved on.....all this kept happeneing for almost 1 year......few days back I requested him to help me buy something and he agreed reluctantly...I was happy that we were meeting after one year,,and then the worst happened..To my surprise he came there with his new girl firend,,it was so painful for me because right infront of my eyes both of them were sharing and talking things which we both used to say and do when together...I was very hurt but I didnt react infront of them...But when I came back home I tore all his cards, decided to throw away all the clothes he gifted me and I blocked him on my fb and in the night I told him so, I even told him that I was hurt that he got her along...To this he replied that she was a simple friend who accompanies him whereever she goes and in such a case he thinks he shouldnt have helped me in the first place....I was too hurt but still till next two days I messaged him that I shall go away from his life now,,but I dont think he must have read my messages as he again started cutting my phone calls.
    Kevin, truth is that I love this man a lot. We have shared the best moments together. He must have moved on but I still am there waiting for him to come back. I was too serious for him and wanted to marry him...Despite all I still want to marry him and spend my life loving him,,,I have forgiven his faults..its just that I am so hurt and angry to whatever he has done that I react in pain and anger and he is so blind not to see my love behind it.
    Well, now after that I have decided to enter a no contact period for atleast 4 months..I know I have already lost my chance as he has moved on and is very happy with another but please please please tell me is there still a hope. For past one year although he used to enter no contact but off and on he would message me back saying he misses me so I am very confused. Please Kevin I have waited almost a year now in hope but that that day seeing him with another was sooo painful that I almost lost my mind and hope but please please please my love was and is tooooo true and I know I still want to love him forever..what should I do? I think he wont message me now, but what if he does message a casual hi to me in these four months...please guide me as I dont want to loose this man..
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      First of all, what happened to your abusive boyfriend is not your fault. It was just a coincidence and not an act of God to punish you. Stop thinking like that because it's simply not true.

      This guy seems to still have feelings for you but he is turned off by your needy behavior. It's good that you decided no contact for 4 months. If he contacts, just tell him that you can't contact him for 4 months and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you either. Tell him you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he respects your decision. And then contact him again after 4 months. I wish I can tell you that you have a good chance, but I want you to be prepared for the worst. I want you to accept the possibility that he won't ever get back with you and be prepared for it.

      Reply
    • kk

      He did message me after 4 days just casually ....but I didnt reply ...i am too hurt... four months is a long period..I dont know if I will be successful as i know he will message me casually in this period,,....i dont want to tell him that I am entering no contact as I know he wont believe it as I have said that a thousand times before but was never ever able to do so..so this time I just want to remain silent n let my silence speak......bt what if he finds my absence a reason anough to get irritated and decide to leave me forever ...it is all so heart breaking Kevin...I really want to talk to him and tell him that I love him immensely and am waiting for him to come back, want to show him that I am the one who he can count on anytime as I shall always be there to hold him, so when he messages and i stop myself from replying I dont like doing this to him......can I make the no contact little less than 4 months and make it like two months.......Kevin, just advice me if he messages me in this no contact period, should I answer him...I dont want to loose him ever....and I want to prove that I am a woman of substance whom he can rely on anytime but I know that is what makes him take me for granted and give me the pain without bothering that he may lose me forever....I dont know Kevin, i know he has some feelings for me in the back of his mind,,plz just advice what is the right way to make him respect me and value me in his life so that he comes back with full of love for me...thank u

      Reply
    • kk

      to add to my previous reply , i would like to confess that i have unblocked him on fb today,,although i have not sent him a friend request...and i wont send him a friend request on fb till my no contact period is over that is for sure I think........when last year he broke up with me then at that time also I had un-friended him on fb but after a few days when I resent the request he had accepted....this time I dont intend to send him friend request atleast till few months.....i am trying this time to stay silent and show my absence for atleast 2 months....kevin if he asks me something by msging me in the mean while,,should I reply?? I dont want any misunderstandings between us and I want him to know that although I am silent but I love and wait for him till date...how to do that?

      Reply
    • kk

      Hi kevin,
      Feel kind of stupid because today I sent him around 7 long messages telling him that I was hurt that he got her along that day and that I would have never done that to him...I also told him that I know that he has moved on and I am going to try my best to noot rply to any message and my silence shall speak of my pain...n blah blah...i am not sure if he must have read all messages but I still sent..i feel stupid now as i just broke my no contact in 6 days only but hopefully will start now....i know i blamed him for being rude to me and my emotions ,,n once again screwed my chance....I have previously also done no contact for maximum 45 days but this time i feel so bad that only after 6 days i recontacted him..actually he had sent me one message 4 days after that i told u so i was feeling it so much to respond......but kevin now i know he will know that i can never stick to byes as i always come back........please please please tell me what is the right thing to do now ...i ll try my best to stick to it

      Reply
    • lexy

      Honestly kk, you seem a bit obsessed (obsessively texting your BF and writing all these comments here) which is not healthy. Kevin told you what to do, but obviously you are not ready/willing to listen. Take a deep breath, sort yourself out and go NC for a few months as he says. If you don't trust him and you are not willing to listen to his advice and make sacrifice then he can't help you. Stay positive, you can do it!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey lexy,

      Thanks for replying to a comment. God knows I can use some help with so many comments. :) Here's a virtual hug from me for being helpful. :)

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      The right to do now is to start no contact again. Don't beat yourself for not going through with it this time. It's really hard for many people to go through no contact. This time, concentrate more on yourself and do things to make yourself feel better. Start making some positive changes in your life and try to keep yourself busy. At least for the first two weeks of no contact.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    Hi, Kevin.

    I was in a relationship for 5.5 years. High school sweethearts, living together, thought he was the one. It ended very abruptly in October. Less than a week after telling me he was moving out, she posted that they were in a relationship and he lied to me about it (he later blocked me from her facebook so I couldn't find out information he didn't want me to know).

    Between November and now, I was a crazy psycho ex... I broke all of the rules. :( It was my first break up, and I didn't know any better.

    He and his new girlfriend have now been together for three months and already signed a lease together for May.

    I've applied no contact for a week. Do I have any chance of getting him back? What do I do?

    Reply
  • leo

    my situation is complicated,i have been together with him for 6 years,so he decided date someone else without me knowing,as we us women we like to dig information,i started asking him questions....so he decided he will continue dating her.
    I really love this man, but i don't understand sometimes he will ask me to go for movies. He says he loves me but he dates someone else.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      So he cheated on you. Stop talking to him for 2 months and think real hard if you want to be with someone who cheated on you.

      Reply
  • Sam

    Hi, I was hoping you could give me some advice.. I broke up with my boyfriend almost 4 years ago because I was very confused.. He became my everything back then, wherein I didn't know how to be happy if I was not with him.. I became very needy and clingy, so I decided to break up with him, that way I could learn how to be independent and learn how to grow.. I was 15 when we started our relationship and I was not in a very good state (emotionally).. But the problem is, another guy came into the picture and so my ex boyfriend during that time thought that I broke up with him because of the new guy, which was not true.. It's been 4years and I realized that I really haven't stopped loving him.. We still communicate from time to time even after the break up.. He has a girlfriend now.. And I'm from a recent break up, so I'm currently single.. This ex of mine, doesn't want me to avoid him and he doesn't seem to want me to move on from him.. I was already able to confess to him that I still have feelings for him.. He doesn't want me to move on from my feelings for him.. But he's still with his girffriend.. I'm confused if I should still hold on or should I just move on?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Did you ask him if he'll break up with his girlfriend for you? If you decide to move on, it's worth giving him an ultimatum before doing that.

      Reply
  • Ruby

    Hey... I need your advice... So my ex broke up with me 5 months ago we dated for 3 years since I was 16 we had some good & bad times in our relationship. And right after he broke up with me he got another girlfriend. At first he said we couldn't be together because he didn't want to hurt me and he said I was still the love of his life. And he didn't want to admit he had another girlfriend when i already knew he did. Later on he wouldnt deny it anymore and he would tell me not to stop talking to him because he still wanted to keep talking to me. It was hard for me to just be friends. sometimes i would stop talking to him for a week to see if he cared and did he would call and text me also he would get mad if i didnt tell him where i was at and with who . He came to see me a couple of times. N he always said I should date another guy. But on Monday Feb 5th we were texting fine . Untill he didn't reply back. And I had told him about this guy that I was dating for 2 months n that he had already gone with another girl. And he never replied back. But the next day when I got on facebook I check his page n I see he had uploaded a picture of him and his girlfriend on the night he didnt reply back to me. That really killed me and I sent him messages but he never replied. And I finally told him what I felt about that picture and how I don't hate him I just wish him the best and not to worry I wasn't going to send him anymore messages.. I don't know why randomly he just stopped talking to me texting me. I don't know if he doesn't want to know anything about me. I know that I shouldnt talk to him anymore. But I don't know if I should expect him to talk to me again or not.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      My advise is to move on and start dating someone else. He doesn't seem worth it. Even if he does talk to you again, he'll continue playing with your feelings. Apply no contact for 60 days. Start dating. And think really hard if you want to get back with him.

      Reply
  • Kate

    I don't know what to do... My ex fiancé and I were together for nearly 10 years but broke up 9 months ago. For the first 6 months we kept in contact and it was rough, so much so I then went 2 months with NC. In the last month we reconnected and my ex was showing clear signs he wants me back but he is seeing this 19 year old girl 7 years his junior, for 3 months, and
    says he will not leave her now; even though he has admitted that he wants to get back together in a few months and he has cheated on this girl with me... Why won't he just leave her now when it's clear he still has feelings for me?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Because this way he can have her and you as well. You are giving him an opportunity to keep dating a 19 year old girl and still have sex with you. He'll try to keep himself in this situation for as long as he can. Don't sleep with him until he breaks up with her and commits to you. If he doesn't break up in the next 4 weeks (or 2 weeks, you decide), give him an ultimatum. But only give him an ultimatum if you are ready to leave him. There's a chance that he'll choose the other girl over you. And if he does, you should cut all contact with him and move on.

      Reply
    • kate

      Hi Kevin. Thanks for the advice I decided to cut contact with him, but let him know I was done and this is how he replied "I told you I needed time and space for a while But I understand if you dont care to wait. Xx"
      I didn't reply to this, however is this a response that he does still care and he really was just confused?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It is possible that he is just confused (even though I think it's not probable). If you want, you can tell him you need some time and space as well and leave it at that (it's your decision since you've already established no contact and told him you are done. So it will be sort of like going back on your words).

      Reply
  • Sarah

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex had an argument at the end of december, after which he disappeared and I haven't contacted him either. He always does this when he is angry/upset (even with friends) so I knew I would have to wait a couple of weeks for him to be back. He tried to come see me where I go out, but I kept my distance. This was 2 weeks after BU and right at that time he met this new girl. She is the complete opposite of me and his type in general (very young, childish, dependent). After 2 days he wrote on FB how happy he was, 2 more days he posted a love song for her, within 10 days from meeting her (he works double shifts so they only met like a few times I would say) they were already official on FB. He also wrote something on his mum's wall to get to me. The next day he posted a pic of them kissing. All this to rub it in my face but i kept NC. He was always against this showing of affection on FB because he found it immature.
    Anyways, after that he stopped posting on FB about her (this was almost 3 weeks ago). He didn't invite her to a party he went to, he hasn't introduced her to any of his friends like he did with me straight away.
    My question is... shall I contact him? I am not ready to contact him yet, definitely not for another 2 weeks or so if not later. But is it ever ok to contact first? They have been officially dating (well, on FB at least) for 1 month now and we have been NC for 6 weeks. I realised a lot of my mistakes. I became more needy after I finished University because I had too much free time and I wasn't able to handle it. I am now working out every day, I see clearly all my mistakes and I feel happy most of the time. I just need a bit of extra time to let go of the past. But shall I text him once I feel great or is it a bad idea? Thanks :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sarah,

      First all, kudos to not reacting to his immature behavior. And no, it's not a bad idea to contact him first. What matters more is what you say in your text and how you your attitude towards him is. If you're needy and insecure, any type of communication with him is going to make him lose attraction. But if you're confident and happy, even if you start the communication, he'll feel attracted to you again.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Thank you Kevin :) Your website helped me a lot. I am 30 but I have never been in a situation like this before. I am more and more convinced that she is a rebound (no point explaining it all here) and I do believe I have a chance but I am not sure I want him back. I am not sure I would be able to forgive him this and trust him and be all confident he wouldn't do it again. So I am taking my time to decide this first and then I will go from there. I will let you know if something happens though ;)

      Reply
    • Sarah

      I sent him a text after almost 8 weeks of No Contact following your directions of first text message. I expected him to take 2 days to reply (he is the type of guy with strong emotions who prefers to cool down before reacting + he sometimes does it on purpose waiting for my reaction), but it's been almost 3 days and still nothing. I am a bit shocked because I did not expect this. Nothing new with the new girl, still no new signs of her on FB, still not showing up with her at events/meeting his friends etc. The day after I texted him she even came where i work (looked like an excuse to check me out + she came all dressed up). I know you recommend trying again within a few weeks but honestly I doubt I want to go through this again. She is just a little girl and if that's what he wants right now then be it. What's your take on this? I really can't see a reason for him not replying to an innocent text :)

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's quite possible that he is still angry at you or at least is holding some resentment towards you. People in rebound relationships hold on to the negativity of the breakup for a longer time because they never actually get the time to deal with their feelings.

      Yes, you can contact him after another couple of weeks, but if you don't feel like going through it again, then you definitely shouldn't contact him. IMO, he will eventually break up with her and will contact you himself after that. Obviously, no one can say how long it will take. You can either wait for him to break up with him or better yet, concentrate your efforts in moving on.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Well, he finally replied - on day 4. My text did not require a reply really, but he replied and he wrote quite a lot. It took him half a day to reply to my next one but since then he started replying much faster. His texts started kind of neutral, but are now more and more positive. He seemed very excited that I started working out, he kind of seemed "proud", he also used smileys a lot, like really a lot :D :D He indirectly complimented me a few times saying that I am lucky because I have a nice body and therefore woulnd't even need working out much and stuff. We "touched" a little bit the conversation about us being naughty on the beach, I know it's probably not a good idea to talk about sexual stuff but it was more in a joking way. I guess I shouldn't reply now for a few days... I am trying to re-build attraction not to be his text buddy. Very hard. But I am trying to be patient.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Seems like he is warming up. I hope things work out for you.

      Reply
  • Jammy

    My situation is me and my ex boyfriend for more than a year broke up 4 months ago and he had her girlfriend a week after the break up., but then he broke up with his girlfriend more than a month ago. When they broke up I was there with him comforting him and so on and she told me all his ex girlfriends flaws plus they are in a long distance relationship... I've been living with my ex boyfriend in a house for 3 months already together with my schoolmates. And yeah since they've broke up we've been hanging out, going out always... and he is the one who would always ask me out always. There were even times that we sleep together hugging each other. My point now is i want to get him back. I just don't know how to start. I don't even know if he still have feelings for me because he always talks to me about his crushes, how much he adore her crush and how much he feel great whenever he see his crush. And i really still love him. And the truth is before, I've done all the mistakes said in 5 steps to get your ex back. I've been so desperate and pleading him to come back to me and i even fought with her girlfriend before. But then i followed that no contact rule by not talking to him though we we're just living in one roof. So what should i do now?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You are stuck in the friendzone. He'll keep you around as a friend for as long as he can and he gets to be with other girls as well. Basically, right now, he can have his cake and eat it too. And you are letting him. Here's what I recommend, start no contact again for a week or two. Then start talking to him again. Hang out with him and if he talks about other girls, tell him you are not comfortable with such talks. And eventually, you'll have to gather your strength and ask him to choose. Let him know that you can't be friends with him, you want a relationship. And if he can't commit, then you'll have to cut contact with him and move on. If he decides that he doesn't want commit, you should cut contact with him and move on.

      Reply
    • jammy

      I don't know how to cut the contact because as I said we were living in the same roof together with our friends.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Minimize contact. Only talk about things that are related to the household. Don't talk about anything personal.

      Reply
  • Ross

    Hi i was wondering if you could help at all ?
    Basically my story goes ....Me and my Now EX had been with each other for about 1.5 years, i am 32, she is 24 and she has a 3 year old daughter.
    We were living together, looking at a bigger house, talking about having kids and she was always dropping hints about being married one day (what she didn't realise was i had planned to ask her to be my wife as a surprise xmas gift).
    On the Saturday we were at her parents house and again she was talking about having a baby etc....
    The monday we had a petty argument about who she was chatting with on facebook, the tuesday she broke up with me saying she just needed space, and she felt like the worst person in the world.
    It turns out 3 days later she went on a date with a guy who she had had a couple of dates with before we got together. As you can imagine i didn't handle this very well, i did all the mistakes of begging and telling her i couldn't live without her etc.
    For the next month she was saying she didn't know what she wanted, she was spending time with this guy, but was texting me everyday (she was telling him i was still chasing her)..
    Anyway she finally tells me they are now a couple and removes me from her life (no FB, blocked my phone number).
    Iv been in NC now for around 3 weeks, but i miss her and obviously her daughter who for 1.5 years i have raised as my own.
    I found out that after 4 weeks of being with this guy she decided she will move in with him and take her daughter with her.
    I really don't know what my next move should be ? The fact the break up happened so suddenly for me, and the attachment to the daughter make it difficult ?

    I do still want her back, Have you heard of GIGS ? and does this lend any weight to her actions ?

    Please any advice will be appreciated ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ross,

      Yes it could be GIGS, considering she is still young. And if it is, there's really nothing you can do unless she realizes that she made a mistake. However, it could also be that she just lost attraction. I think the best thing you can do is apply no contact and contact her after that.

      Reply
  • Nora

    Hi,
    I wondered if you had any thoughts for me.
    I was with my bf for 2 years. We broke up (my choice) about 6 months after I moved to another part of the country for work. I found long distance very difficult as we had previously been living together. We were friends for a year after that, and on-off no commitment lovers. I found this really upsetting but seemed unable to stop it. I didn’t want to get back together as It wasn’t practically possible to be in the same part of the country, and I didn’t want to be as miserable as I had been. I also didn’t want to cut him out of my life as I guess I still had feelings for him. In the end I went abroad for 6 months in order to clear my head and force myself to move on and not see him. He said he still loved me and he wanted to talk about us getting back together when I returned, that he would wait for me. I never asked him to do this, it came from him.
    So I trumped the 30 day no speaking rule and did 6 months! Over the time I was away I’ve become a much stronger and happier person, but I also realise I want him back, wherever in the country we are. I thought about him constantly through all the amazing experiences I had. I spoke to him for the first time yesterday and he has a new girlfriend, of a few months, who he seems fairly keen on. That hurt like hell. I suggested that we meet and we are seeing each other in a few days for drinks.
    I’m not sure how to play this one. I feel betrayed that he didn’t wait for me after saying he would, which is probably unreasonable. I’m not sure if I should put my heart on my sleeve or try to play it cool.
    Any advice really welcome.

    Reply
  • Kayla

    okay well me and my ex were falling apart we werent tell eacher how we felt or help eacher and then i was trying to help him but he kept pushing me away for this other girl and now there dating and i really miss him and want him back but i dont want the relationship we had i want like the one when we first meet were we told each other everything and trusted each other and were happy and in love and when he didnt push me away for other people so what do i do because i think he hates me now too and he wont talk to me really and if he does its not always a good convo between us......
    what should i do because ive tried every little thing to get over him and i just cant
    help me please?

    Reply
  • Courtney

    Hi
    My ex and I have been broken up since Oct 2013. A couple weeks after he ended it he got into a new relationship. They are still together.
    We were together for seven years and have a six year old and our baby turns 3 months this month.
    I love him still and not sure he will choose me again.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You have to give him some space and let him realize on his own what he's missing. Apply limited contact and make A LOT of positive changes in your life. Hopefully, he'll want to get back together with the new you.

      Reply
    • Deda

      Kevin, thanks so much for all your help. I love the fact that you are a man and yet you are helping women understand the mind of a man and also I was wondering if you have a e book out or something of the like?
      I correspond with you almost a year ago about my ex-boyfriend. we are still broken up sadly.
      But I am starting to see good signs.
      I know it might seem pathetic that I'm still trying after a year apart but that's how much I love this man and the father of my child.
      I am not begging or asking for him to come back I am trying to make the positive changes that you emphasize thank you very much. Oxox

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Deda,

      Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I do have an e-book and an online course. You can check it out here.

      Reply
  • kind

    My bf and me have a nice stable rs for a yr till one fine day i was dumped over a new girl... who reminds him of his long ago xgf tt apparently still in his mind.

    I was not the rebound rs. He got into a rebound rs after the 1st xgf n almost marry that 2nd girl..and it ends after 3 yrs.pretty long I say.. it ended coz xgf contacted him maybe she had some problem etc.. went few dates and messed up his mind and he called off the whole wedding thing.his ex was already married when she messed him up and abruptly stop contact after the dates.but he still misses her.he didnt miss the exfiance.
    And I came in.. he loved me coz Im totally different from the girls he dated before and im really good to him.but alas a mth ago he met a girl who he believed is a clone of his xgf..the birthdate, mannnerism etc. She make advances and he got pressured to break up with me.
    While I felt it was unfair..and I did all those damaging postbreakup mistakes.. I gonna try the NCrule. Its hard really coz I relly love him and suitable for me...i would like to get back with him..even though now he is with tt new gf.
    But how is NC rule gonna work when in between I need to remind him on financial stuff (he owe the bank thru me)
    I really want him to see and realise tt im the only genuine girl for him that cares a great deal. I did nothing bad as gf at all and all I get is get dumped for some bizzare reason.
    Please help thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      When you have to remind him of financial stuff, just remind him and don't talk about anything else. I know what happened to you sucked, but keep it in mind that it happened once, and if you get him back, it can happen again. Do you really think it's worth it?

      Reply
  • sandy

    Hi..i dated this guy for a year and we were happy till we started having issues. We separated and came back together and was happy till another issue which separated us again. He said i cant help him achieve his dreams and then we resolved the issue and we were working on coming back together till he found out there were 2 guys who i was friends with. He confronted me about em but i denied saying they were just 1person,he found out i lied and ever since then he said it was over. We broke up in december and now he's dating this new girl. Im really confused because i really love him and want him back, what do i do to get him back? Will he ever trust me again and get back with me?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I can't say for sure if he'll trust you again and get back together. But you can try it once. Start with no contact and then follow the plan. If he comes back, great, if not, move on.

      Reply
  • Ashley nicole

    Hey Kevin so me and this boy was bestfriends we been talking for about 2 1/2 years we went together for 10 months but we broke up because i believed what other people told me over him and we argued about him trying to talk to other girls. We spent almost every day together. He is my first l ove. We been broke up for awhile but we still spend time together && was talking. I became too clingy over him. And he feels like he can just walk in and out my life anytime because he knows ill always be their my "friends" tell me im dumb and he isnt going to change. But i still have faith in him. Im very close with his family and he told me everything just about it took a while because he dont express his feelings. Anout two weeks ago i asked him if he wanted to be in my life, if not he could get his stuff and go. Soo now today he told me i couldnt do something because he was talking to someone. I ended up crying but i didnt mean too. He scooted me close too him && and asked what was wrong i replied nun cause he already knew he said he liked being friends cause we could spend time together cuddle & watch movies. But thats my first love my bae. I dont know what too do please help me ..

    Reply
  • pari

    i had a 2 year relationship with my ex boyfriend.he is 19 and i am 23.we had a great time together but we ended up in bad break up.i still love him and can do anything to win him back.but the problem is now he is in a new relationship after our break up (after 1 month). she does not look rebound to me and my ex literally told me he really loves her and want to spend his life with her.but i also know that my ex still cares and loves me somewhere in his heart.i really want him back but he said he don't want to get back together.i don't know what to do.i tried to move on but i can't.his mom really likes me and calls me often and ask me to visit her and i do so.i know he still cares for me its just the relationship that didn't go well.i did no contact rule for 1 month but within that one month he found that girl.i want him back but don't know how?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Start sending him text messages and then ask him out. If he agrees to come meet you, and if you've made positive changes in your life until now, then hopefully, he'll start thinking about getting back together. If he doesn't then continue building attraction with him and then ask him if he wants to get back together. If he agrees, great, if not, move on.

      Reply
  • Elsie

    i've been in a relationship with a guy for a year and he find out that i was cheating... I love him, and he gave me a chance but it NEVER felt the same again.. we c0ntinued 4 like 2 m0nths, and then he finally decided to leave me right befor he was leaving for an0ther country for studies, he said he cnt do it anymore.. i begged him for us to still continue and that i would change bt he didnt accept it.
    3 months after the break up, he started contacting me throuqh fb telling me that he was happy with his new gurl (his classmate) and everythng i was sad to hear that honestly but i tried to keep a good face on ths even when it hurts.. He arrives back at christmas last year, and seeing him still gives me butterflies, we frequently txt and talk on da phone.. untill one evenning i text him and told him that i still love him, then i realize that he started avoidng me now.. i feel so so ashamed of myself n0w.. what should i do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You shouldn't tell him that you love him unless you signs from him that he is interested in you. Start no contact for a while and then contact him again.

      Reply
  • Kayla

    Hey.. My situation is me and my boyfriend were dating for 3 years. Prematurely I did some cheating. I didn't tell him about it until a year later. He's now holding this against me, he says he can't trust me. After we've Broken up time after time, we've tried to make it work just as much. It just seems that we can't see eye to eye, though I love him very much. As we were trying to make it work though he began talking to another girl, he liked her, and he continued talking to her for a while! So 2 months ago we had a serious argument and we broke up, we didn't talk for a month(the longest we've ever went.) Now he's made that same girl his girlfriend. Me and him are still talking but he tells me he's happy with her. He definitely Spends more time with me than her though. He says he just can't trust me. How can I win him over? I miss him soooooo much!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You need to stay away from him for a while. If you stay in contact with him, he'll feel like that he has you and his new girlfriend both. Unless you stop contact with him, he won't realize that he can lose you forever.

      Reply
  • Rachel

    I need some advice so me and my ex have been broken up for 3 months and just yesterday he told me he was with someone and before that we would keep in contact all the time but I was surprised when he said he was with someone else because it always seemed as if he would give me a chance he would compliment me and he would act sad saying if you have moved on I really don't want to know the thing is, is that Im in love with this guy and we're I guess friends but Im in love with him and I don't want to give up on him I need help

    Reply
  • Trina

    Hi... My situation is really complicated. I'm hoping you can help. I met my ex March of last year and we broke up in September. During the relationship he never used the word girlfriend and it bothered me. An ex from 3 years ago messages me and I wasn't exactly forthcoming in being in a relationship. My ex said I emotionally cheated on him. He started with me for a month after saying he would try to get over it and when I asked him for a commitment he said he couldn't trust me. I made all the mistakes and we were 'together' two months after the break up. I went no contact for a month during which he messages me once a week. Then when I talked to him again I asked him out for coffee. He said he was dating someone and I want prepared for that. I flipped out and he told me to never talk to him again. A month later he asked me to come over to Talk and get on good terms. I went over we talked and i was very mature about it. As i was leaving he grabbed me and hugged me. A week after that I asked him again if he wanted to grab a drink. He told me the girl he was dating is now his girlfriend and he didn't think it was a good idea for me to contact him ever again. He wasn't going to give me another chance and that isn't going to change. It's been two weeks I haven't spoken to him and it's my birthday this week. He messaged me saying happy birthday and asked if I wanted a present. We have been texting every day for give days. I don't know if him and this girl are still together I'm afraid to ask. I have wanted him back this whole time and I know the reason we broke up was something that could be fixed. I keep getting mixed signals. Since the break up I have begged, pleaded, cried, and just been a mess. I am a very beautiful woman and I have been on eight dates trying to get over him. I'm now at the point where I have my action and emotion under control, but I still love him and want him back. I'm really confused.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Trina,

      I think you are holding it together pretty well. I the think the best course of action is to keep contact with him via text and ask him out again after a few weeks. If he agrees, great. If not, then start no contact and decide whether you want to continue trying to get him back or move on.

      Reply
  • Caitlin

    Hi Kevin-

    So here are a few key facts about my situation right now:

    • My ex and I were best friends before we started going out, but I wasn't honest with myself and didn't love him for the first two months of it. It was toxic.
    • I had so many flaws within the relationship and my mistakes ruined it. I had every mistake you could think of. Not showing love, putting other people's opinions in front of his, lying, being too clingy, TERRIBLE AWFUL breakup that took over two months and therapy.
    • When it officially ended in November, it was about 4 hours of terrible, then us agreeing to be friends. The next day him, me and our best friend went to an open mic like old platonic times.
    •  I was fine and completely moved on until he told me that he went on a date with one of our friends but didn't call it that and weren't talking about it with anyone. I knew who it was then, but didn't want to believe it. Regardless, I went into no contact.
    • I haven't talked to him since, and within that time period, I've ignored small favors he's asked me, two "are you angry at me?"'s then one message about him wondering why I randomly cut him out and if we could talk about why I'm mad at him. Then 24 hours later a sarcastic "good talk".
    • I've seen some subconscious signs but that might just be my stupid brain. He posted a video of one big song a bunch of our friends performed back in early september. (Ironically his new girlfriend is in it too) He posted a video of the song we played together when we first met as played on by trombones. And in the same day he texted if I was mad at him, he sent selfie videos of himself to a group chat with me and our best friend of songs that the three of us would sing together.
    • Tonight, I found out that he started going out with the girl he went on a discrete date with officially. I'm kind of down now about it. She was the confidant of his throughout our entire relationship and the downfall of it. She was his closest female friend.

    But yeah anyways, I've come so far only to be brought down by this major obstacle. My relationship with him was terrible, but the few moments I remember that were great were really great. I know now that I can be the great girlfriend that he always wanted and is hoping to get out of this new girl, and it kills me to see that this is going to happen. Any words of encouragement or helpful advice?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Catilin,

      You should apply NC for a while and see how things go. I think you still have hope, but don't let this hope turn into an obsession (which happens far too often in such cases). Have realistic expectations. Follow the plan. Hopefully, he will come back to you and you will have a great relationship together.

      Reply

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