When I first started no contact, I was sure what I needed to text my ex after no contact to make her love me again. I was playing the perfect scenario over and over in my mind. I had decided I would text her a simple, “Hey, wanna catch up for a coffee.” and keep it casual. I used to imagine her replying excitedly, and then both of us meeting up for a coffee, having a good time, and then maybe continue the date and go shopping.
I used to imagine that I will hold her hands during the coffee date, that she would smile at me, and then by the end of it all, we would be back together with her head resting on my chest and a peaceful smile on both our faces.
That didn’t happen.
And now that I think about what I imagined and what actually happened, I am reminded of Mike Tyson’s famous quote. “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
That’s what it felt like. Because in reality, things became very messy. My first text to my ex after no contact didn’t even matter because there was so much stuff happening between us. We met, we fought, she became mad at me at one point, I thought she slept with another guy, I stopped talking to her for a few days, she became more open towards getting back together, we went on a short trip and then we got back together.
It wasn’t the perfect scenario I imagined. There was no head resting on the chest. There wasn’t a peaceful smile on both our faces. There was no hand holding the way I imagined.
We got back together, but not the way I wanted. And not in the type of relationship I would want for myself or for any of my clients now.
At the heart of it all, I ignored the most important thing about my ex, about no contact, and what to text her after no contact. I never took a moment to think about if the relationship would be healthy for me. I ignored the red flags that were there all along. I ignored them because I was too focused on my perfect plan, about the perfect relationship I imagined with her, and how it made me feel.
I wanted that perfect relationship with her so badly, I ignored the reality and kept convincing myself that it’s right around the corner. Our relationship, after getting back together, was unhealthy and we eventually broke up again.
Texting Your Ex after No Contact – Best Text + Most Important Advice
When you want to text your ex after no contact, it’s easy to get lost thinking about what words or sentences will make your ex open to talking to you again. The obvious advice is to keep things light so as to not push your ex away.
But after years of experience as a breakup coach, I’ve realized the best text to send an ex after no contact is a text that includes a glimpse of who you are right now and what you want from them, without putting any pressure on them to get back together or meetup.
In other words, don’t be afraid to say what you want to say to your ex. Just don’t be aggressive about it and make sure that you are coming from a place of confidence. Not from a place of neediness or manipulation.
Before sending a text to your ex after no contact, it’s important that you have taken some time to heal from the breakup, become confident again, have the right mindset for this, know what you want in a relationship and know that getting back could lead to a healthy relationship.
In addition, I recommend not texting your ex at all, or being extremely cautious in the following scenarios –
1. If your relationship had elements of abuse, you should not text your ex after no contact at all. (If you suspect there was abuse, check out this resource from )
2. If your relationship was toxic in other ways, then you should strongly consider not texting your ex ever. But if you still want them back after no contact, then you should make sure you have healed and have a strong support system in place before texting your ex. Chances are, without a proper support system, you will go back to the same old toxic patterns as before.
3. If you suspect your ex was a Narcissist, or extremely manipulative; then you should make sure you do no contact for at least two months. In addition, I recommend that you go on at least 2-3 dates before making a decision to reach out to your ex.
In every other situation, I still recommend healing from the breakup and analyzing your relationship before texting an ex. Here are some resources to help with that.
Here’s a text that one of my client sent to her ex boyfriend and her experience of how it worked out for her.
Reader Experience: How a Text Opened Up Communication Again After No Contact
Source: Reader Email from Samantha Jacob
“Listen, I just want to let you know that I am sorry for texting and calling a thousand times after the breakup. I just couldn’t accept the fact that we broke up. But you were right. Breakup was the right decision. We weren’t happy with each other. And now I agree with you.
It has been a while and I have learned so much about me because of this breakup. It was painful, but I can now see how I was pushing you to be someone you are not. I was doing it because of my own issues and I own up to it. And I want to apologize for that as well.
I know you may not want to hear from me again, but I still think about you and it would be nice to have a chat. There are a lot of things happening in my life and I miss sharing them with you. How have you been?”
When I sent him the message, I honestly didn’t expect anything. After all, he didn’t reply to any of my texts the last time I texted him. But he replied to this one within an hour. He said it was nice to hear from me again and he is doing fine. I said, “That’s great to hear.” That was it for the day. He didn’t text again. I thought he is not interested. But he texted again after 2 days. Just a simple Hi and then we started talking. He called me that night and we decided to meetup on the weekend.
Note – You can download my bonus guide that contains 5 Sample Texts To Send After No Contact. These are the best texts I have come across in my 13 years of experience as a breakup coach.
There are some huge advantage to putting yourself forward with honesty, confidence and tact.
- Being honest about your intentions puts you in a position of strength and sets you up for later success. If you and your ex move forward, you don’t have to manipulate or dilly dally around what you want.
- Being honest about who you are and what you want puts your ex in a position to be honest about who they are what they want. If they aren’t ready for a healthy relationship with open and honest communication, they would be turned off by your honesty.
- Being honest and being confident about what you want sets you up for a healthy relationship in case you both get back together. Think of texting your ex as the first brick of the foundation of your new relationship. If the foundation starts with honesty, being considerate, confidence and clarity; then the new relationship will likely be a strong one.
There are certain scenarios where it makes sense to send a light casual text to text the waters. And yes, there are also scenarios where it makes sense to not text your ex at all. We will cover all of them in this article.
But before that, let’s define what your aim should be when you want to text your ex after no contact.
The goal of texting your ex after no contact should be to express your desire to reconnect with them and open up the possibility of catching up, friendship or getting back together. Note, that we are keeping our goal limited to things we can control and being realistic that it only opens up a possibility.
The aim of texting your ex after no contact should NOT be to make them jealous, make them miss you, make them reply, manipulate their feelings for you or to stop them from moving on. These are things that are out of your control, and if you set them as your goal, you are likely to overthink and obsess over this more than needed.
To Text or Not To Text an Ex After No Contact
My advice, to people who still want their ex back after a considerable period of no contact, is to reach out to your ex via text, a phone call or an email. There are, of course, exceptions to this advice. But in most cases, that is the best way to move forward if you still want an ex back after healing, self-improvement and self-reflection.
However, there are other opinions and advice out there that may seem different or complete opposite of what I teach. Below, I will list out the different advice you may find on the internet and my views on it.
Different Perspective From The Web: You Should Never Text an Ex Who Dumped You. If your ex broke up with you, they should be the one who text first.
There are some experts, dating coaches, and reddit users who preach the rule to never text an ex who dumped you. Their reasoning is that if your ex dumped you, it’s their responsibility to reach out to you. And that if you text your ex, you are showing weakness or neediness and you will ruin your chances.
For example, one reddit user says.
“The dumper should be the only one reaching out, if they regret the breakup and it wasn’t toxic. Otherwise, the dumpee should just concentrate on moving forward and self improvement.“
And a relationship coach named Zan says,
“You should not contact your ex because your texts and calls won’t impress your ex and spark your ex’s feelings for you.”
I disagree with this advice. Mainly because it’s the type of advice that paints things as black and white. Real life situations and relationships are never so simple.
Another reason this advice is flawed is because it encourages people who want their ex back to WAIT for their exes to reach out to them. I have read stories of people waiting for their exes for years, not being able to move on from them. They read such misguided advice on the internet and keep their hope alive, stopping them from moving on or getting any sort of closure.
One of my client, David B., spent more than year being in love with his ex. He dated other girls, but he dated them because he thought he needed to. And secretly he still loved his ex. He kept on hoping she will reach out to him and that if he reached out to her, he will ruin his chances of getting back together.
Following my advice, David reached out to his ex. But after reaching out he found out that she has already moved on and that there is no hope. Texting his ex after no contact didn’t ruin his chances. His chances were already ruined. He was hurt when he found out the truth. But at least, he got some closure in knowing that he can’t get back together and it gave him the courage to move on from her emotionally. It gave him the closure he needed to move forward in life and be open to a new healthy relationship.
In a lot of cases, it makes sense to not reach out to your ex at all and just focus on moving on. But if you still want your ex back after a significant period of time, it’s a good idea to reach out to them, rather than wait for them forever.
Different Perspective From The Web: Your Ex Will Always Come Back, You Just Need To Wait
Another advice that is potentially harmful and is making the rounds on the internet is that all exes come back. That you don’t need to do anything. You just need to wait for your ex. Some people say that you need to move on from your ex and they will eventually come back.
Again, I strongly disagree with this advice. Waiting for an ex after the breakup has occurred is just unhealthy. It stops you from focusing on yourself and healing from the breakup.
If you aren’t really waiting for your ex but are actively moving on from them, this advice makes sense. But a lot of people tend to keep hoping that their ex will come back and use the thought of getting back together as a coping mechanism.
Another reason this advice is harmful is because it feeds denial. Denial is stage of breakup grief where you are trying to convince yourself that this breakup is not final and that you will get back together.
A 2020 study examining the psychology of people who want to rekindle their relationship found that after a breakup, such people have self-doubt. They are confused about who they are without their ex or their previous relationship. They want to get back with their ex because it seems like the easiest way to feel like themselves again.
And as a result, they start looking for confirmation for their belief that this breakup is temporary. That they don’t have to rediscover themselves. And when they find advice such as “Your ex will surely come back” online, it appeals to them and makes them feel calm. Even if it is for a short moment.
When you feed your denial of the breakup, you are stopping yourself from accepting the breakup and healing. And while that may feel good in the short term, it’s just not a healthy thing to do over the long term.
And most importantly, it’s simply not true. All exes don’t come back. There is no evidence to prove that. Only anecdotes from people whose exes came back. And even that is questionable.
The most reliable statistics on this is a study done by us at Ex Back Permanently. It is widely recognized by many breakup experts, psychologists and relationship experts. In our study of over 3000 participants, we found that only 30% of exes get back together. And even then, not all of them come back on their own. Sometimes, you will have to reach out to them.
It’s just a better strategy to take action to get what you want. In this case, if you want your ex back, take action to try to get them back. But have realistic expectations. And if it doesn’t work, move on knowing you have done what you could.
Different Perspective From The Web: You should not text your ex after no contact because you both may end up getting back in the same old relationship.
“The danger of getting back in contact after a period of ‘no contact’ is that the memories of all of the bad times may fade during the time of ‘no contact.’ As human beings, we are heavily wired to connect to others. Therefore we may start to look back on the relationship with rose-tinted spectacles. We may become overwhelmed with our minds giving us reasons as to why we should reconnect with the ex.
This can be particularly dangerous, is reconnecting with an abuser or someone who is particularly jealous or controlling.”
This is good advice and I agree with this.
However, this also does not apply to a lot of situations out there. Like I said at the beginning of the article, if there was any element of abuse in your relationship, if you think your relationship was toxic, or you think your ex was Narcissistic or extremely manipulative; then it’s better to not reach out to them at all.
In most of other cases, if enough time has passed, and you are reaching out with the right mindset, good intentions and realistic expectations; then texting your ex can help you move forward in life. It could mean either getting back together or realizing your ex is not worth it and moving on from them.
My Recommendation: If you have the right mindset, have healed and see potential in a relationship with your ex, reach out to them.
My advice is based on common sense, abundance mindset, focusing on what you can control and practical thinking. The fact is, you can’t control what your ex is thinking or doing. You can’t control whether or not they will reach out to you. But you can control what you are thinking and what you are doing.
So if you have taken some time after the breakup away from your ex, and you are sure you want to give it a shot to try to get your ex back, then reach out to them. Text them, call them or email them. Just don’t do it out of neediness or desperation. Do it from a place of confidence and knowing that it may not work out.
In addition, texting your ex again after no contact, when both of you have calmed down, healed and gotten some perspective; can also help you understand the breakup even more and understand your ex’s point of view. It’s not always just about getting back together, sometimes a conversation with your ex can help you realize why the breakup happened and why it was needed for you. A 2017 study found that individuals who had a better understanding of why the breakup happened found it easier to fully accept the breakup and move on.
And if you still have some doubts about the breakup and hope of getting back together, texting your ex after no contact and speaking to them may just be the thing you need to move forward.
Disadvantages of Texting Your Ex After No Contact
There are, of course, some disadvantages of texting your ex after no contact.
Some may argue that reaching out to an ex may look needy or desperate. And again, how your ex interprets your actions isn’t something you can control. You can only be mindful of your intentions and try your best to be honest in your communication. So it’s not something you should think too much about.
Another disadvantage to texting your ex is if you have not emotionally healed from the breakup, then another rejection from your ex can be very painful and set you back. And I agree with this. You should not text your ex if you are feeling vulnerable, weak, needy or desperate. If you feel a rejection from your ex will tear you apart, then don’t text your ex. Instead, extend no contact for another month or two.
Yes, it may hurt a little bit if your ex doesn’t reply to you no matter how much you have healed. But a little bit of hurt is expected whenever you face any type of rejection.
Think of this way, if you apply for a dream job and get rejected, you will feel bad. But you will get over it sooner or later and will be glad that at least you applied.
This is a similar situation, if you think there is a huge potential of an amazing relationship with your ex, reach out. It may be scary, but if it works out, you will be glad you texted them.
In essence, texting your ex after no contact only makes sense if you have healed, have the right mindset and are prepared for the possibility that it may not work out.
Yes, there are certain scenarios where it makes sense to wait and not text your ex. Particularly if your ex has explicitly told you to not text or call them. In such cases, it’s best to continue no contact for a long time and try your best to move on. If you don’t see any progress, consider going to therapy or speaking to a breakup coach to help you heal.
When To Text Your Ex After No Contact
In most cases, it’s best to text your ex only after you have healed and you are no longer needy or desperate to get your ex back. You should text your ex only if you think you can handle a rejection from your ex.
Essentially, I advice my readers to try and adopt an abundance mindset before they text their ex. They should see their ex as only an option. Not their only chance at finding true love. Before texting your ex, you must have internalized the fact that there is enough love and happiness out there for you. And even if things don’t work out with your ex, you are still going to be fine.
For a lot of people, this can take anywhere between 3 weeks and six months. This is why the length of no contact varies so much from person to person. There are, again, some alternate advice about this on the internet and I am going to write about my views on them below.
Different Perspective From The Web: You should always contact your ex after 30 days of no contact.
This simply doesn’t make sense. While 30 days is a good number of days for most people to heal. It just doesn’t apply for every situation. The 30 days number just feels good and it can be a good idea to start no contact with that number in mind. However, your litmus test before ending no contact and texting your ex should always be your state of mind and your progress in healing from the breakup.
Different Perspective From The Web: You should wait for a sign from your ex before texting them.
A lot of coaches advice that you should look out for signs from an ex that they want to reconnect before you send them a text. If you see a sign from them, such as, posting old photos on social media that are related to you, then that means they are thinking about you and you should reach out to them.
The advice makes sense on the surface. But if you think about it, if you are waiting for a sign from your ex, you are still waiting for your ex. And as we established before, waiting for your ex is just not healthy after a breakup.
This advice works for a lot of people if they aren’t really waiting for their ex and just doing their own thing and moving on. But unfortunately, a lot of people misinterpret this advice as something that will surely happen. As in, their ex will surely give them a sign one day that they are ready to start talking again. And that can lead to false hope, denial and an unnecessary road block in healing from the breakup.
Different Perspective From The Web: You shouldn’t wait too long to contact your ex or they will move on.
Of all the advice out there, this one is the hardest to counter. You don’t want your ex to move on, right? Why would you wait more and risk them moving on?
And it makes sense, you don’t want to wait years before texting your ex. What if they move on and get married to someone else by then?
But the problem with this advice is that it shifts the focus from you, your emotional state, to your ex and their emotional state. And again, you can’t control, or even measure your ex’s emotional state. You don’t know when and how they will emotionally move on from you. You don’t know if they even like going on dates. Maybe they are just doing it because everyone tells them to. You don’t know if they are really happy in their new relationship or it’s just a rebound that will end eventually.
You don’t know any of that. Because all that is not in your control. And if you try to keep tabs on your ex and try to decipher their emotional state using questionable tactics, you are again shifting the focus away from yourself and your healing.
So again, give yourself time and focus only on your healing. Give yourself at least 3 weeks to heal. And if you feel you need more time, be kind to yourself and give yourself more time to heal. Text your ex only after you think you are emotionally ready. Sometimes it can take up to six months.
Instead of figuring out whether or not your ex is moving on, try to figure out what you can do to heal faster and reach that stage where you are no longer needy or desperate to win them back.
How To Reach a State of Mind Where You Are Ready To Text Your Ex After No Contact
Like I said before, when you are texting your ex after no contact, you need to come from a place of honesty, confidence and finesse. You can’t be aggressive in the way you text. And you also need to be prepared for the all the outcomes.
Now a lot of people want to reach this emotional and mental stage as soon as possible after the breakup. After all, they don’t want their ex to move on. And the longer they take, the more chances of their ex moving on.
The truth is, you can heal faster if you focus on self-care, self-improvement and try to gain some insight in your previous relationship and the breakup. However, there is no guarantee how fast that will be. Some people take a few weeks to get back on their feet, while others can take months.
In my experience, most people start feeling much better after the 3 weeks mark. Coincidentally, the 3 weeks timeline is also the result of a study that aimed to find out long does it take for people to start feeling better after a breakup.
To heal faster and to get to that stage faster, focus your time and energy on
- Self-Care Activities: Eat healthy. Sleep on time. Sleep enough. Get some exercise. Lift weights. Do yoga. Do meditation. Spend time with loved ones. Reconnect with old friends. Take a warm bath. Go for a massage.
- Self-Improvement Activities: Be more disciplined in going to the gym. Get better at communicating. Read books that can help you in your life and career. Learn to be better at goal setting and achieving your goals. Learn the difference between growth mindset and fixed mindset.
- Gain insights from your previous relationships: Ask yourself why the breakup happened. What could have been done to prevent it? Do you really like your ex or are you just lonely? What qualities of your ex attracted you to them? What qualities of your ex you don’t find attractive right now?
Note: The fastest way to reach a stage where you are ready to contact your ex is by doing the Advanced Healing Worksheets that come with our Advanced Course. Check it out here.
What Medium To Use After No Contact
It’s okay to use whatever medium you feel comfortable with when you are contacting your ex after no contact. In my experience, a text message or an email is better received than a phone call. Writing down what you have to say gives your ex the time to think and process everything before replying.
What To Text Your Ex After No Contact
Let’s explore all the options you have when texting or emailing an ex after no contact. We will start with the best text after no contact (according to my experience) and then move on to other texts that you are likely to find elsewhere on the internet.
The Best Text To Send an Ex – Say Who You Are, What You Want, With Confidence and Tact
Also known as the Elephant in the room text, the best text to send an ex after no contact is something that tells them who you are right now, about your state of mind and what you expect of them. However, you should not be aggressive or needy in any way when you are sending such a text.
Here’s a sample text that works for most situations.
It’s been a while since the breakup and I wanted to apologize for the way I acted after the breakup. I did not respect your space and that wasn’t cool. I acted out of desperation because I was so afraid of losing you.
I want you to know that I have accepted the breakup and I’ve realized that it was the right thing to do. I have learned from what happened and grown as a result of it.
Despite everything, I still miss speaking to you. I miss sharing the details of my day with you. I would love to have you in my life, even if it is as a friend. How have you been?”
The above message owns up to what happened, and shares honestly that you miss speaking to your ex. It doesn’t aggressively ask them to get back together and just asks them how they are doing.
Such a message is likely to get an ex to open up communication if enough time has passed since the breakup, if the relationship was serious and if the breakup was messy.
You can Download 5 more sample Elephant in the Room Texts By Clicking here.
There are, some other messages that can also be used after no contact. These messages include.
The Memory Text
The memory text uses something you and your ex are familiar with as an excuse to reach out to them. Something like,
“Hey, I just walked past the library and it reminded me of the time we first met. I still remember the dress you were wearing. It actually made me smile. How have you been?”
Pros of the memory text: It’s light and casual and if it makes your ex smile, they are very likely to respond.
Cons of the memory text: If your breakup was messy, if the relationship had some serious issues or if your ex is still angry at you about something that happened in the past, it may feel like you are trying to sweep the issues under the rug and trying to ignore them. Your ex may get more angry unless they feel you own up to what happened.
Another con of such a text is in some situation, it may feel completely fake and forced. Especially if your last interaction with your ex was you being needy and desperate.
Test The Waters Text
The test the waters text is simple texting your ex a simple text asking them how they have been. The text may seem boring, but it leaves the ball in their court. Here’s a sample text message.
“Hey Ex, It’s been a while and I was thinking about you. How have you been?”
Pros of Test The Waters Text: The beauty of such a text is it doesn’t say much except that you are ready to start talking to them again. It’s simple, but effective.
Cons of Test The Waters Text: Since the text doesn’t really say much, it leaves a lot of things to interpretation. If your ex has built up defenses, they may interpret this text as you wanting to get back together or you being needy, and as a result, they may reply negatively or not reply at all.
It also leaves you in an awkward position if your ex doesn’t reply to you. You are going to be torn whether or not you should text your ex again, you may start overthinking how they interpreted your message and you may regret not saying everything you wanted to say.
In contrast, the elephant in the room text doesn’t leave much room for doubt or misinterpretation and gives you a peace of mind no matter how your ex responds.
Different Perspective/Advice From The Internet: The I Want To Get Back Together Text or Call
Some people on the internet advice that you should directly tell your ex that you want them back after no contact. Essentially, they advice that you call or text your ex and let them know that you want to get back together.
Another version of this advice is to call your ex and ask them to talk about the relationship. For example, Elizabeth Plumptre, a freelance writer who writes for VeryWellMind, says;
“Call them and ask if they’d be open to speaking honestly about your relationship. If they’re open to it, share your new insights about what caused the breakup and get their feedback to see if they share the same sentiments.”
The advice can make sense in some cases. In fact, I also advice some of my clients to do this if they implement the brief No Contact Rule. That is short period of no contact before reaching out and talking about the breakup. I only recommend this in very rare situations.
But in most cases, it’s more than likely to make your ex defensive. For starters, your ex may interpret you wanting to talk about the breakup as a strong sign that you want to get back together or convince them to want to get back together. If you acted needy or desperate after the breakup, they will most likely see this as a permission to pester them about getting back together.
On the other hand, you should also not directly tell your ex that you want to get back together. Mostly because you should be skeptical about getting back with your ex even after no contact. Remember, your relationship was broken. And while you may think it’s a good idea to get back together, you can only know for sure if you start talking to your ex and realize you both are compatible and are a good match at this point of time.
In my experience, it’s not a good idea to start your communication with your ex using a call or text with a direct invitation to talk about the breakup or getting back together. This only works in very rare cases in which you know your ex is also thinking about getting back together and it it hasn’t been too long since the breakup.
What To Expect After Texting Your Ex After No Contact
Once you text your ex, you can expect to feel nervous, anxious and maybe a little bit scared. But if you have worked on healing during no contact, the feeling should not be overwhelming.
As you wait for your ex to reply, your mind may start overthinking. You may even start imagining scenarios where your ex has moved on and doesn’t want anything to do with you. All of this is normal.
But it’s important to remind yourself of the work you have done so far on healing from the breakup and developing a healthy mindset and realistic expectations about this.
It’s important to remind yourself that even if you don’t get your ex back, you are going to be fine. You are going to move on from them and find the love you deserve somewhere else.
Will Your Ex Reply To Your Text?
Your ex will most likely reply to your text if you have given them enough time and follow the advice in this article. However, there is no guarantee of a reply. The fact is, no matter how much you plan, you can’t guarantee that your ex will reply to your text, or consider getting back together.
This is why the act of texting your ex is mostly about doing what you want, and not what your ex thinks or does.
Here is what you can expect –
Your ex replies positively – Your ex may reply postively to your message. Their reply will show excitement or enthusiasm. If they do, take the conversation further and try to get on a phone call. Be considerate of their feelings and space. And don’t get over excited and act needy or desperate.
Your ex is neutral – Your ex’s reply may be neutral. It will feel like they are happy to hear from you, but they are cautious. If that’s the case, they are probably skeptical about your text and what you said. Perhaps a part of them doesn’t believe what you say. Or perhaps they just need some more time to process everything. If this is the case, end the conversation amicably and give them more time. They may reach out again in a few days. If not, you can try reaching out using a memory text or directly give them a call.
Your ex is angry/hostile towards – If your ex’s reply is angry, cold, or hostile; then it means your ex is still holding grudges against you. Things can get complicated here. Because anger means that they probably still have feelings for you. But if you try to decipher their anger, it may lead you to obsess over them even more. A good way to reply to this situation is to ask them why they are angry and invite them to talk about it. If they refuse to do so, start no contact again.
Your ex is cold in their reply – A cold reply will be short and dismissive of whatever you sent them. Such replies are very rare if you send an elephant in the room text. However, if you receive an extremely cold reply, just end the conversation and give them more space. They may need more time to process what you said.
Your ex doesn’t reply immediately but replies within a week – In a lot of cases, an ex can take some time to process what you say and may take up to a week to reply to you. If your ex doesn’t reply immediately, don’t panic. Just give them some time and try to shift your focus to yourself and continue doing what you have been doing during no contact.
Your ex doesn’t reply to you at all – Your ex may not reply to you at all. If your ex text was considerate and kind, then it’s very rare. But if your ex still doesn’t reply, then it probably has more to do with them instead of what you said in the text. Some people just aren’t really capable of an honest conversation and they try to avoid it at all cost. Or it could be some other psychological reason for them to not reply to you. Whatever the case, you should rest knowing you’ve tried your best and focus on moving on, even if it hurts right now.
How To Move Forward If You and Your Ex Start Talking Again
Once you and your ex have started talking again, you need to move the conversation forward. If you have been texting, try getting on a phone call. If you’ve had positive response on a phone call, call them out on a date.
Be amicable, don’t be needy, and be ready to talk about the breakup or getting back together if the topic comes up. Don’t hide your intentions, but don’t be aggressive either.
Most importantly, be skeptical about getting back together. Remember, you may have changed and fixed a lot of issues that lead to the breakup, but your ex also needs to own up to their part and grow as a person.
If your relationship were to be a better, healthier relationship than before; both of you need to be better, healthier individuals.
To give you some context, in our study, we analyzed couples who got back together and stayed together over the long term. And we found that 68.6% of people said that both them and their ex are better, improved version of themselves now.
That’s almost 70% of couples who make it work, do so because both partied improved and grew during their time apart.
Moreover, in your particular situation, you need to analyze if your ex is deserving of the new and improved you. So don’t just jump at the first opportunity of getting back together.
Remember, you still risk getting back together in an unhealthy relationship that may breakup again. It’s widely accepted (and also a result of a 2022 study) that on/off relationships are a significant source of stress for both parties. So you don’t want to end up in a situation where you and your ex are constantly breaking up and getting back together again.
Talk about what went wrong and how things will be different this time. Have an honest and open conversation with them. Share your journey and how you have grown and try to understand your ex’s journey and how they have grown. If it doesn’t feel right, take your time to think things through and consider just being friends with them for a while.
When I got back in a relationship with my ex who was not right for me, I ignored a lot of red flags. I have seen such red flags over and over again with my clients whose ex was not really ready for a healthy relationship. Here are some red flags to look out for getting back together with an ex after no contact.
- They don’t take any responsibility for what went wrong in the breakup.
- They blame you constantly and tell you that you need to be better.
- They always act like they are on the high ground and you have to prove your worth.
- They manipulate and create drama whenever they feel insecure or angry.
- They lie about dating other people. (While it’s not wrong to date others during no contact, lying about it to you is a sign of dishonesty they will most likely bring in the relationship).
- They drag you along and become cold whenever you talk about getting back together.
How To Move Forward if You Realize It’s Not Going To Work
Once you’ve texted or reached out to your ex after no contact, you will get a good understanding of where your ex stands, how they feel about you and whether or not their is potentially a chance to get back together.
As I mentioned before, the aim of texting your ex after no contact is to figure out if you and your ex could catch up, be friends or get back together.
If things work out between you and your ex, great. If not, it’s better to be prepared and know how to move forward. As time goes by, your interactions with your ex will give you a much better idea about what’s going to happen.
Sometimes, you will realize that you are no longer interested in being with your ex. Other times, you will realize that your ex isn’t interested in being with you. Sometimes, you will feel your ex is dragging you along and doesn’t respect you. And other times, you will realize that your ex is just a nasty human being and you will wonder why you ever loved them.
Here’s what you can do to move forward if things don’t work out with your ex.
- Expect to be hurt: It’s okay to be feel hurt and maybe a little bit sad knowing that you and your ex can’t make it work. Process your sadness the same way you did before. With self-care, social support, self-improvement and being mindful about yourself. This time around, things are going to be much easier because you are already used to doing all that. Plus, you have already come a long way since the breakup. This will only be a small set back that will eventually help you move on.
- Don’t let the rejection/failure define your self-worth or self-esteem: Again, the whole time you spent
- If you still have hope about getting back together, Convey it honestly and clearly: If a part of you still has doubts about letting go and have hope it may work out; talk to your ex about your intentions. Just make sure you are not being needy or desperate about it.
- Move Forward Knowing You’ve Tried Your Best: You thought this was a special relationship. And you tried all you could to save it. It still didn’t work. So move forward having no regrets or doubts. It wasn’t meant to be. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t meant to find love. You have better things waiting for you in life.
- Seek Support from Friends and Family: Your friends and family will feel like a warm, reassuring embrace. Use your support system to continue healing and growing.
- Start Dating Again: Remember the cute girl in the gym you had your eye on? Or the handsome mutual friend who has been flirting with you? Now you can date them without any doubts. If the relationship is good, you can go all in without worrying about your ex.
- Get Help From a Professional: If things seem bleak or it feels like you are not making any progress emotionally, then seek help from a trained therapist or a breakup coach. They can help you analyze what happened, process everything and understand why the breakup happened. A good professional may also discover emotional and psychological issues that may be holding you back from fully moving on and help you uncover and resolve them.
If your intentions are pure, your heart is in the right place, and you are not clouded by fear, anger, or regrets; then it’s okay to text your ex after no contact. Just manage your expectations before you do. And follow the advice in the above article to get the best outcome from texting your ex.