Your girlfriend cheated on you and you don’t know what to do. You’ve probably asked this question to your friends and family, to which, you got the ubiquitous answer, “Move on, she’s a [email protected]#[email protected]”.
But things are not as simple as that in your head. You have all these thoughts in your head, all these feelings in your chest, all these emotions in your heart.
You want to hate her for betraying you, you want to love her because she is lost, you want to give her a chance because your love was real, you want leave her because you can’t save the relationship, and you want to get her back because you fear losing her forever.
I am sorry you are going through this. The purpose of this article is to help you process all the thoughts in your head. To help you figure out what you want from her and life in general.
I won’t give you the same cookie cutter advice that everyone gives you. I will be a little more detailed than that. But I will ask you that you take action on what I say here. Unless you take action, your mind will keep running in circles trying to figure out what you should do after your girlfriend cheated on you.
Before we get into what you should do, there are two things that you should not do right now.
1. Abuse her and say things to hurt her
Your anger is understandable. But abusing her and calling her names is not going to help anyone. It’s only going to make things ugly. She will respect you more if you keep a check on the name calling and saying things to hurt her.
It’s okay to talk about how hurt you are and how are you feeling. But there is no point in letting that anger turn this into something ugly. It will not make you feel better. It will not make her feel better. It will not fix anything. It will not help save your relationship and it will not help end it.
In most cases, you will only regret the name-calling later on.
Beg or plead or act needy
A lot of guys become too needy or desperate after they find out their girlfriend cheated on them. It’s often followed by a burst of anger. This is again a wrong move and it will get you nowhere. It will make your ex lose respect for you and you will regret it later on.
In my experience, if you are going through this, you probably fall in one of these three situations.
- You don’t know if you should try to save the relationship.
- You want to leave her, but she is asking you to forgive her and give her another chance.
- You want to give her another chance, but she does not want to continue.
We will cover each of these situations in this article.
1. You don’t know if you should try to save the relationship.
In majority of cases where your girlfriend or wife cheats on you, it’s very very hard to rebuild trust. Infidelity is a very serious issue and very few couples are able to get past it. This is why you hear pretty much everyone tell you that you should leave her and move on.
The advice to move on is so common because it is the right advice for majority of the cases.
But you may be one of the rare cases where it makes sense to try to save the relationship. So how do you decide if the relationship is worth trying to save? Here’s what you should do.
Take Some Time Off
The first thing you need to do is take some time off. You have been betrayed by the person you love. Your mind is probably panicking and does not know how to process this betrayal of trust. Whatever you are feeling right now is not only painful but also confusing.
A part of you wants to save the relationship and the other part just cannot see how you can ever trust her again.
Now, I don’t know the details of your situation. I don’t know how much you both loved each other, whether or not she has shown remorse, how bad did she cheat on you and what was the reason she cheated on you.
But I do know that if you really loved your girlfriend, it’ll be hard to figure out what is the right decision for you. And if you keep interacting with her, keep seeing her everyday, it’s just going to get more and more confusing.
So, your first step should be taking some time off from her. Find a safe place for yourself. Tell your girlfriend something like,
“I don’t know if we can still save this relationship. A part of me wants to and a part of me wants to leave you. I need some time to think things through. Please give me some time and don’t contact me until I call you first.”
Process all the emotions
When you stop contact with your girlfriend, you will go through a lot of emotions. You were betrayed by someone you trust and love. Your mind and your thoughts will be all over the place. Take your time to process everything. Speak to your friends and family. Surround yourself with people who love you and care about you.
The important thing is to not take any decision out of fear or anger. Whenever you feel scared of losing her or angry at her betrayal, remind yourself that these are emotions that will pass with time and there is no need to make a decision fast. If your girlfriend can’t wait for you to make a decision, she is not worth it.
Think of all the pros and cons
When you are feeling calmer, you need to start thinking about it from a different perspective. Try to figure out what are the pros of trying to save the relationship and what are the cons.
Were you together for a long time?
Will you able to trust her again?
What will it take for you to trust her again?
Will she able to do everything that is needed to rebuild the trust?
How special is she to you? Are you putting her up on a pedestal?
Dig deeper and face your own fears
In a lot of cases, your girlfriend will cheat on you because she was unsatisfied in the relationship. It could be because you were needy, avoided serious talk or just didn’t connect with her emotionally and sexually.
I am not saying this excuses her behavior. Far from it. She is 100% responsible for the cheating. But this does give you an opportunity to wake up and fix a lot of unhealthy issues you may have.
Were you needy? Were you unable to communicate properly? Were you emotionally unavailable?
Where do these issues arise from? What was the root cause of these issue?
A very common issue that most guys have is neediness and insecurity. They fall for a girl just because she agreed to be with them. They put one girl on a pedestal and shower her with affection. As a result, the girl feels less and less attracted to the guy and eventually cheats on him.
The root cause of this neediness and insecurity is often lack of confidence. This lack of confidence is usually around girls. An incessant voice in your head saying, “You are not good enough for a hot girl.”
If that’s you, there’s a good chance that at this moment, the same voice is sitting on a director chair with a loud speaker going “You will never find someone as hot/beautiful/smart/amazing girl as her. Don’t let her go.”
As I mentioned before, this lack of confidence and fear of never finding someone else is not the right reason to give it another shot. If that’s you, you are better off moving on from her.
2. You want to leave her, but she is asking you to forgive her and give her another chance
When a girl you love hopelessly asks you for a favor, you will probably agree to go to the end of the world for her. When a person who betrayed you asks you for a favor, you will probably want to tell her to get lost and never contact you again.
But what would you do if they are both the same person. And this time, she is asking you something that is even harder than going to the end of the world. It’s forgiveness.
As you probably know, it won’t be easy to forgive her. Even if you both do everything right to try to rebuild the trust, there will always be a bit of resentment inside you for her actions.
Before you do anything, I want to remind you that you should not say things to her that you can’t take back. Your instinct might be to call her a slut, a whore, a bitch or a prostitute. But no good will come from it. You will only regret it later on.
To move forward, you need to notice a few things
Her level of Remorse
Does she regret cheating on you? Does she understand how big this is? Does she show remorse? Does she accept her responsibility? Does she take the blame on herself or is she blaming you for this?
Someone who truly wants to fix this will accept how messed up this is and how she needs to accept 100% responsibility for her actions.
Her level of Betrayal
A good way to figure out if there is a chance to fix this is to see in what way she betrayed you.
If she cheated on you just once and told you immediately, it means she truly values the relationship and there is a chance you can fix this.
On the other hand, there are instances where it’s just too damn hard to rebuild trust again. For example,
- She cheated on you multiple times.
- She has been cheating on you for a long time and was hiding it.
- She has cheated on you with multiple guys.
- She would have continued cheating on you if you didn’t find out.
Her willingness to do things that need to be done to fix this.
Actions speak louder than words. If she keeps saying that you should forgive her and give her another chance, it won’t mean a thing if she doesn’t back them up with her words.
A good way to see if she is serious about this is to ask her to cut all contact with the guy she cheated on you with. Tell her that this does not mean you will forgive her and give her another chance, but it means that she is serious about making this work and if she is serious then you will seriously think about it.
If she works with the guy she cheated on you with, tell her to keep all communication with him strictly related to work.
If she lied to the other guy about being single, tell her to speak to him and tell him that
- She is in a relationship
- She cheated on you with him
- She wants to save the relationship
- She does not want him to contact her again
If she is truly serious about making it work with you, she won’t hesitate to do those things. If she doesn’t do it, it means she has doubts and her asking for another chance was her not wanting to lose you.
What should you do after that?
If she passes the above 3 tests, then you should still take time to think about things. You should do what I said in the first part of this article. Take some time. Analyze everything. Figure out if she is worth it. Dig deeper into your fear. And if you feel you can make it work, speak to her and tell her exactly what needs to be done to make it work.
3. You want to give her another chance, but she does not want to continue
This is going to be a tough one. If your girlfriend cheated on you, and SHE IS THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BREAKUP, then I hate to say it to you, but your chances are very very slim.
I am going to write a more detailed article on this later on. For now, let’s just go over a couple things you can do if you are in this situation.
Convey you MAY want to make it work in a confident manner
In a lot of cases, your girlfriend will think that because she cheated on you, there’s no coming back from this. That it’s over and there is no way your relationship can be saved.
You need to make her understand that the relationship can be saved if you both try to work on it. But it’s very very important that you say this without any neediness or desperation. If she senses even a bit of neediness in your voice or your behavior, she will want to end it.
The reason for this is because your girlfriend is feeling extremely guilty for her actions. If she senses you are needy, hurt or desperate; she will want to end it to avoid hurting you more. She will see that you are not confident in yourself. And if you are not confident, then there’s no way you can fix this relationship.
If she still wants to breakup, accept it gracefully and stop contact.
If she is sure she wants to breakup, accept her decision. Remove yourself from the shared accommodation and from her life. Stop contacting her and focus on healing.
If you still want her back even after months of healing, approach her from a different angle. You will need to take this as a fresh relationship and attract her as you would attract an ex-girlfriend.
Read these articles to understand how to do it.
Read: How To Win Her Back
Keep dating other girls and keep your options open
Like I said earlier, a lot of times, you may just be panicking and thinking you will never find someone like her again. In reality, there are endless opportunities out there for love and happiness. You just need to go out there and meet new girls. As you start putting yourself out there, there is a good chance you won’t feel the need to contact her or try to reconcile a relationship that was so broken that she cheated on you.
But before you put yourself out there, make sure you have the right mindset about dating and relationship. Make sure you know what you want in a relationship and what you have to offer. If you find yourself thinking about your ex girlfriend on every date, you are not ready to date yet. Take some more time to heal.
Remember, your relationship with your girlfriend is over because she cheated on you. Make sure that the next girl you invest your time and energy in is someone you can trust. Don’t let this bad chapter of your life ruin something good with your future girlfriends.