Your girlfriend cheated on you and you don’t know what to do. You’ve probably asked this question to your friends and family, to which, you got the ubiquitous answer, “Move on, she’s a $@#!@”.
But things are not as simple as that in your head. You have all these thoughts in your head, you feel so much emotions that are painful and you may be feeling lost and confused.
You want to hate her for betraying you, you want to love her because she is lost, you want to give her a chance because your love was real, you want leave her because you can’t save the relationship, and you want to get her back because you fear losing her forever.
I am sorry you are going through this. The purpose of this article is to help you process all the thoughts in your head. To help you figure out what you want from her and life in general.
I won’t give you the same cookie cutter advice that everyone gives you. I will be a little more detailed than that. But I will ask you that you take action on what I say here. Unless you take action, your mind will keep running in circles trying to figure out what you should do after your girlfriend cheated on you.
The Most Important Things To Do If your Girlfriend Cheated on You
When your girlfriend cheats on you, you will go through a lot of emotions, doubts, confusion and maybe even obsessive thoughts. The most important thing to do when your girlfriend cheats on you is to separate yourself from her to process all the emotions you are going through and the thoughts going on in your mind. Don’t even think about giving her another chance if she doesn’t show remorse and is committed to fixing the relationship. And even if she is, you should still take some space and time away from her figure out if what you should next.
The longer you stay in her vicinity and the more you speak to her, the more it’s going to hamper your ability to process what happened and decide what you actually want and what’s healthy for you.
Here are some important points you should understand if your girlfriend cheats on you.
1. It’s going to sting. It’s going to be painful. Depending on how much you trusted this girl, you your pain levels could be from feeling devastated to feeling betrayed.
2. You may feel like suppressing your emotions. You probably want to not feel the way you feel right now. You may feel like numbing your emotions down by getting drunk or resorting to drug abuse. You may feel like distracting yourself by binge watching TV shows, or overeating, or throwing yourself in video games. It may work temporarily, but you will have to process what happened sooner or later. And in my experience, the sooner you process it, the sooner you can move forward with your life.
3. Your girlfriend may try to explain her actions. She may say it was a mistake or an accident. Don’t believe her. The only explanation is that she consciously made a decision to cheat on you and betray your trust. Eminem summed this up perfectly in two lines in his song Guilty Conscience;
Wait, what if there’s an explanation for this s@#&?
What, she tripped, fell, landed on his d@#&?
3. Your girlfriend, her friends, or even your friends and family may try to blame her act of infidelity on you. For example, she may say that if you paid her more attention, she wouldn’t have had to look for attention elsewhere. Don’t take that crap from anyone. Her cheating on you is not your fault. She is 100% responsible for her actions. Not you.
4. But it also doesn’t mean that you were perfect and that you don’t have any room for improvement. You may have made mistakes and you can become a better boyfriend for your future girlfriends. You can use whatever happened during the relationship to learn more about yourself, about how you are in relationships and how you can have healthier, better relationships in the future. For examples, if you were always closed off and didn’t communicate openly and honestly during the relationship, you can start working on how to be more open and how to communicate better in relationships.
5. A part of you will want to forgive her and maybe give it another shot. It’s true that a lot of relationship can work again after infidelity. Couples can learn to communicate better and trust each other again after such a betrayal. But it requires commitment from both of them. If your girlfriend isn’t taking responsibility for her actions, if there is no remorse, or if she is not committed to fixing the relationship, then there is no way to turn this around and rebuild the trust.
6. Some guys just cannot trust their girlfriends again after being cheated on. Not everyone can forgive an act of infidelity and trust their partners again. If that’s you, accept yourself for being that. It’s okay to not want to forgive your girlfriend for cheating on you. It’s okay to not want her in your life in any capacity any more.
7. Not every girl is unfaithful. In times of extreme stress, shock, or trauma; we tend to adopt an all or nothing mindset to help us cope with what happened. A common way to cope with being cheated on is to start believing that all women are unfaithful and you should not trust them. This is simply not true. While it’s true that cheating is prevalent in the society (and probably always has been), it’s also true that the majority of women remain faithful to their partners. You had bad luck with your current girlfriend but it doesn’t mean it will always be like that.
Avoid Doing These Things After Your Girlfriend Cheats On You
In general, a lot of guys do or say things in the heat of the moment that they regret later on. I have realized that it’s best to avoid these three things when you find out your girlfriend cheated on you.
1. DO NOT Abuse her and say things to hurt her
Your anger is understandable. But abusing her and calling her names is not going to help anyone. It’s only going to make things ugly. She will respect you more if you keep a check on the name calling and saying things to hurt her.
It’s okay to talk about how hurt you are and how are you feeling. But there is no point in letting that anger turn this into something ugly. It will not make you feel better. It will not make her feel better. It will not fix anything. It will not help save your relationship and it will not help end it.
In most cases, you will only regret the name-calling later on.
2. DO NOT use what she told you in confidence to bring her down
If you and your girlfriend were close, she may have shared a lot of her personal and intimate details about her life and her past during the course of the relationship. Some guys, when they are hurt after finding out their girlfriend cheated on them, use those details or secrets and turn it into something ugly. They use it to shame their girlfriends and bring her down.
Using your girlfriend’s secrets against her in a fit of anger, in a way, feels like a betrayal to her.
And in most cases, those guys regret doing it. They regret doing it because it is cheap and kind of disgusting.
Just because your girlfriend betrayed you doesn’t mean you should betray her confidence. You need to be better than that. You need to be bigger than that.
3. DO NOT Beg or Plead or Act Needy
A lot of guys become too needy or desperate after they find out their girlfriend cheated on them. It’s often followed by a burst of anger. This is again a wrong move and it will get you nowhere. It will make your ex lose respect for you and you will regret it later on.
Guys who act needy or desperate are mostly doing it because they are afraid of losing their ex to the other guy. The neediness usually comes because deep inside, they feel insecure and unsure about finding love again. In some cases, guys who act needy or insecure after being cheated on do so because they feel they won’t be able to find a girlfriend hot enough like her ever again. They feel they are not worth it.
In some cases, they truly love their girlfriend and they don’t want to lose a special relationship. Whatever the case, if you want to save your relationship and make it last, you should not beg or plead. It’s only going to make your girlfriend lose respect for you. Instead, follow the steps I wrote in my article on winning an ex girlfriend back.
Should You Breakup With Your Girlfriend Who Cheated On You or Try To Fix It?
In my experience, if you are going through this, you probably fall in one of these three situations.
- You don’t know if you should try to save the relationship.
- You want to leave her, but she is asking you to forgive her and give her another chance.
- You want to give her another chance, but she does not want to continue.
We will cover each of these situations in this article.
1. You don’t know if you should try to save the relationship.
In majority of cases where your girlfriend or wife cheats on you, it’s very very hard to rebuild trust. Infidelity is a very serious issue and very few couples are able to get past it. This is why you hear pretty much everyone tell you that you should leave her and move on.
The advice to move on is so common because it is the right advice for majority of the cases.
But you may be one of the rare cases where it makes sense to try to save the relationship. So how do you decide if the relationship is worth trying to save? Here’s what you should do.
Take Some Time Off
The first thing you need to do is take some time off. You have been betrayed by the person you love. Your mind is probably panicking and does not know how to process this betrayal of trust. Whatever you are feeling right now is not only painful but also confusing.
A part of you wants to save the relationship and the other part just cannot see how you can ever trust her again.
Now, I don’t know the details of your situation. I don’t know how much you both loved each other, whether or not she has shown remorse, how bad did she cheat on you and what was the reason she cheated on you.
But I do know that if you really loved your girlfriend, it’ll be hard to figure out what is the right decision for you. And if you keep interacting with her, keep seeing her everyday, it’s just going to get more and more confusing.
So, your first step should be taking some time off from her. Find a safe place for yourself. Tell your girlfriend something like,
“I don’t know if we can still save this relationship. A part of me wants to and a part of me wants to leave you. I need some time to think things through. Please give me some time and don’t contact me until I call you first.”
Process all the emotions
When you stop contact with your girlfriend, you will go through a lot of emotions. You were betrayed by someone you trust and love. Your mind and your thoughts will be all over the place. Take your time to process everything. Speak to your friends and family. Surround yourself with people who love you and care about you.
The important thing is to not take any decision out of fear or anger. Whenever you feel scared of losing her or angry at her betrayal, remind yourself that these are emotions that will pass with time and there is no need to make a decision fast. If your girlfriend can’t wait for you to make a decision, she is not worth it.
Think of all the pros and cons
When you are feeling calmer, you need to start thinking about it from a different perspective. Try to figure out what are the pros of trying to save the relationship and what are the cons.
Were you together for a long time?
Will you able to trust her again?
What will it take for you to trust her again?
Will she able to do everything that is needed to rebuild the trust?
How special is she to you? Are you putting her up on a pedestal?
Recommended Reading: Should I Get Back With My Ex? – 7 Important Questions
Dig Deeper and Face Your Own Fears
In a lot of cases, your girlfriend will cheat on you because she was unsatisfied in the relationship. It could be because you were needy, avoided serious talk or just didn’t connect with her emotionally and sexually.
I am not saying this excuses her behavior. Far from it. She is 100% responsible for the cheating. But this does give you an opportunity to wake up and fix a lot of unhealthy issues you may have.
Were you needy?
Were you unable to communicate properly?
Were you emotionally unavailable?
Where do these issues arise from?
What was the root cause of these issue?
A very common issue that most guys have is neediness and insecurity. They fall for a girl just because she agreed to be with them. They put one girl on a pedestal and shower her with affection. As a result, the girl feels less and less attracted to the guy and eventually cheats on him.
The root cause of this neediness and insecurity is often lack of confidence. This lack of confidence is usually around girls. An incessant voice in your head saying, “You are not good enough for a hot girl.”
If that’s you, there’s a good chance that at this moment, the same voice is sitting on a director chair with a loud speaker going “You will never find someone as hot/beautiful/smart/amazing girl as her. Don’t let her go.”
As I mentioned before, this lack of confidence and fear of never finding someone else is not the right reason to give it another shot. If that’s you, you are better off moving on from her.
Recommended Reading: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me and I will Use This To Become a Better Man
2. You want to leave her, but she is asking you to forgive her and give her another chance
When a girl you love hopelessly asks you for a favor, you will probably agree to go to the end of the world for her. When a person who betrayed you asks you for a favor, you will probably want to tell her to get lost and never contact you again.
But what would you do if they are both the same person. And this time, she is asking you something that is even harder than going to the end of the world. It’s forgiveness.
As you probably know, it won’t be easy to forgive her. Even if you both do everything right to try to rebuild the trust, there will always be a bit of resentment inside you for her actions.
Before you do anything, I want to remind you that you should not say things to her that you can’t take back. Your instinct might be to call her a slut, a whore, a bitch or a prostitute. But no good will come from it. You will only regret it later on.
To move forward, you need to notice a few things
1. Her Level of Remorse
Does she regret cheating on you? Does she understand how big this is? Does she show remorse? Does she accept her responsibility? Does she take the blame on herself or is she blaming you for this?
Someone who truly wants to fix this will accept how messed up this is and how she needs to accept 100% responsibility for her actions.
2. Her Level of Betrayal
A good way to figure out if there is a chance to fix this is to see in what way she betrayed you.
If she cheated on you just once and told you immediately, it means she truly values the relationship and there is a chance you can fix this.
On the other hand, there are instances where it’s just too damn hard to rebuild trust again. For example,
- She cheated on you multiple times.
- She has been cheating on you for a long time and was hiding it.
- She has cheated on you with multiple guys.
- She would have continued cheating on you if you didn’t find out.
3. Her Willingness To Do What It Takes To Gain Your Trust Again
Actions speak louder than words. If she keeps saying that you should forgive her and give her another chance, it won’t mean a thing if she doesn’t back them up with her words.
A good way to see if she is serious about this is to ask her to cut all contact with the guy she cheated on you with. Tell her that this does not mean you will forgive her and give her another chance, but it means that she is serious about making this work and if she is serious then you will seriously think about it.
If she works with the guy she cheated on you with, tell her to keep all communication with him strictly related to work.
If she lied to the other guy about being single, tell her to speak to him and tell him that
- She is in a relationship
- She cheated on you with him
- She wants to save the relationship
- She does not want him to contact her again
If she is truly serious about making it work with you, she won’t hesitate to do those things. If she doesn’t do it, it means she has doubts and her asking for another chance was her not wanting to lose you.
What should you do after that?
If she passes the above 3 tests, then you should still take time to think about things. You should do what I said in the first part of this article. Take some time. Analyze everything. Figure out if she is worth it. Dig deeper into your fear. And if you feel you can make it work, speak to her and tell her exactly what needs to be done to make it work.
3. You want to give her another chance, but she does not want to continue
This is going to be a tough one. If your girlfriend cheated on you, and SHE IS THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BREAKUP, then I hate to say it to you, but your chances are very very slim.
I am going to write a more detailed article on this later on. For now, let’s just go over a couple things you can do if you are in this situation.
1. Convey you MAY want to make it work in a confident manner
In a lot of cases, your girlfriend will think that because she cheated on you, there’s no coming back from this. That it’s over and there is no way your relationship can be saved.
You need to make her understand that the relationship can be saved if you both try to work on it. But it’s very very important that you say this without any neediness or desperation. If she senses even a bit of neediness in your voice or your behavior, she will want to end it.
As I mentioned earlier, neediness and desperation only makes you look less attractive and makes your girlfriend lose respect for you. In addition, if your girlfriend is feeling a lot of guilt for her actions, acting needy or desperate is only going to make her feel more guilty; and she may end it to avoid hurting you more. If she feels you are not confident enough to take charge of the situation, she will feel she is better off ending this relationship.
2. If she still wants to breakup, accept it gracefully and stop contact.
If she is sure she wants to breakup, accept her decision. Remove yourself from the shared accommodation and from her life. Stop contacting her and focus on healing. There is a concept called the no contact rule after a breakup. It’s essentially stopping all contact from your ex so you can focus on your healing and becoming a better version of yourself. Use the no contact rule and stop all contact with your (now ex) girlfriend.
If you still want her back even after months of healing, approach her from a different angle. You will need to take this as a fresh relationship and attract her as you would attract an ex-girlfriend.
Read these articles to understand how to do it.
Read: How To Win Her Back
3. Keep dating other girls and keep your options open
Like I said earlier, a lot of times, you may just be panicking and thinking you will never find someone like her again. In reality, there are endless opportunities out there for love and happiness. You just need to go out there and meet new girls. As you start putting yourself out there, there is a good chance you won’t feel the need to contact her or try to reconcile a relationship that was so broken that she cheated on you.
But before you put yourself out there, make sure you have the right mindset about dating and relationship. Make sure you know what you want in a relationship and what you have to offer. If you find yourself thinking about your ex girlfriend on every date, you are not ready to date yet. Take some more time to heal.
Remember, your relationship with your girlfriend is over because she cheated on you. Make sure that the next girl you invest your time and energy in is someone you can trust. Don’t let this bad chapter of your life ruin something good with your future girlfriends.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a Relationship Work After Your Girlfriend Cheated on You?
Yes, couples can make it work after infidelity. However, it requires commitment from both of them. If your girlfriend cheated on you, both of you must be committed to make it work. It will require both of you to make some sacrifices. In addition, you both should be open to getting couples therapy and individual therapy to help uncover the deep rooted issues that may have lead to the act of infidelity.
Recommended Reading: How To Get an Ex Back After Cheating – The Basics of Rebuilding Trust
Recommended Reading: Can Relationships Work After Infidelity – Choosing Therapy
My Girlfriend Cheated on Me and Left Me For Another Guy. How Do I Get Her Back?
You can get her back after she cheated on you and left you, but it’s a long and frustrating process. It starts with stopping contact with her and not doing anything needy or desperate. The idea is to let her realize what she did was wrong and let her come back to you. Meanwhile, just focus on rebuilding your confidence and lead an interesting life.
Recommended Reading: How To Get Her Back in 5 Stages
My Girlfriend Had Been Flirting/Sexting With Some Other Guy? Is That Cheating?
Yes, it can be considered cheating if you are both in a committed relationship. Basically, ask yourself if you feel betrayed by her action. Did you trust her not to do something like this? Did she know that you trust her not to do something like this? If you answered yes to both questions, then it was cheating and you should treat it as such.
I Suspect My Girlfriend Is Cheating on Me and Will Leave Me Soon. Should I Confront Her?
If you have evidence of your girlfriend cheating on you, then you should absolutely confront her. The thought of her leaving you for another guy may be terrifying, but you need to remind yourself that you are going to be okay even if she leaves you. Yes, the breakup is going to be painful but you are going to heal and recover from this. You need to trust in your ability to survive through painful times and learn from them. And more importantly, you need to respect yourself enough to not continue staying in a relationship where your girlfriend cheats on you.
Recommended Reading: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me and I Will Use This To Become a Better Man
My Girlfriend Cheated on Me Emotionally. Should I Forgive Her?
Emotional infidelity can be as devastating as physical cheating. In some cases, it can feel even worse and it may even be harder to forgive your partner for emotional cheating. If your girlfriend cheated on you emotionally, you should still follow the advice in this article. You should separate yourself from her and process everything that happened. Only forgive her and try to fix the relationship if you are sure it’s worth it and she shows remorse and a commitment to make it work.
Just because there was no physical cheating involved doesn’t mean you should take this any lightly.
My Ex Girlfriend Cheated on Me but I Still Love Her and Miss Her Everyday. What Should I Do?
It’s normal to miss your ex even after a breakup or an act of infidelity. The fact is, humans are designed in a way that doesn’t let us stop loving someone immediately. We need time and space to let go of a loved one. The process of accepting the breakup and stop loving and missing your girlfriend is called grief. And it can last anywhere between a few weeks to six months to years. We have some great resources to help you start the process of letting go of your ex girlfriend, check them out below.
Recommended Reading: I Miss My Ex – The Fear, The Pain and How To Stop
Recommended Reading: I Still Love My Ex – What To Do With the Love You Have For an Ex
Recommended Reading: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me and I Will Use This To Become a Better Man