Kevin, it has been more than six months of the breakup and my ex still has not reached out to me. I saw so many YouTube videos and TikToks with people claiming exes always come back. The comment section of these videos was filled with people whose ex reached out to them after the breakup. And it gave me hope.
But my ex, who was the dumper, still has not reached out. I started no contact immediately after the breakup (after some begging and pleading), but he still has not reached out. And it’s making me lose hope. I really love my ex and while our relationship had problems, I think he loved me a lot too. The fact that he has not reached out makes me feel that our love wasn’t real. And it makes me feel like something is wrong with me as everyone’s exes seem to be reaching out and mine isn’t. Or perhaps it’s because I begged him after the breakup? Is there any hope for me? – Anonymous Reader
Despite what you see in Youtube videos, TikToks, Reddit or Quora and comment sections; not all exes come back. Not all dumpers reach out. Sometimes, they reach out after years. Sometimes, they don’t reach out at all.
One of my analyses found that around 60% of exes reach out at one point after the breakup. But that is based on a small sample of only 67 people. The reality is it depends on a lot of factors and it’s hard to say what will happen in your case.
In addition, even if an ex reaches out, it’s not a guarantee they want to get back together. Sometimes, they reach out just to satisfy their ego, out of loneliness, jealousy or in the worst of cases, to emotionally hook you in just to make sure they still have you as a backup.
The largest study we conducted (with 3512 participants) found that only 30% of couples get back together after a breakup and half of them breakup again shortly after getting back together.
But that’s not the real issue here. The thing to focus on here is your mindset, and the way you chose to deal with the breakup.
When you want an ex after a breakup, it can help to keep the hope that your ex may return in the future. And reading stories of people whose ex has returned can calm you down in the moment.
But ultimately, that’s not the best way to heal from the breakup or move forward in your life.
If you think about it, if the only thing that’s keeping you sane after the breakup is the hope of your ex returning; you are giving too much power to your ex over you. You are putting all your eggs in the “my ex will return basket”.
As any seasoned investor will tell you, it’s never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Especially if that outcome depends on the whims and fancy of another human being. Even more so if that human being has specifically told you at one point in their life that they don’t want to be with you.
Not only have you put your ex at the center of your healing, you have also, unknowingly, staked your self-esteem on the event that your ex will return.
You told yourself, “I am a good person and a good partner. I am beautiful, sexy, smart and intelligent; hence my ex will come back.”
And by extension, you are indirectly telling yourself; “if my ex doesn’t come back, I am not a good person and not a good partner.”
But the truth is, your ex coming back has nothing to do with the way you are. You could be the best person on earth, and your ex may still not return.
On the other hand, you may have been the worst, most toxic partner in the world and your ex may still return.
That’s because the reason a lot of exes reach out (or don’t reach out) has nothing to do with you. In most cases, it has everything to do with them.
Such as –
1. They are trying to respect the breakup.
Sometimes an ex stays away because they believe contacting you would reopen wounds, create false hope, or interfere with healing.
2. They are protecting themselves emotionally.
Reaching out can bring back grief, rejection, longing, anger, or confusion. Avoidance may be their way of coping.
3. They think you do not want to hear from them.
If the breakup was painful, abrupt, or involved clear boundaries, they may interpret silence as the safest and most respectful option.
4. Pride or fear of rejection stops them.
They may want to contact you but fear being ignored, rejected, embarrassed, or appearing vulnerable.
5. They are trying to move on.
Some people deliberately choose no contact because continued communication makes emotional separation harder.
6. They believe the relationship is truly over.
Silence can simply mean acceptance. They may have decided that staying connected would blur the ending.
7. They feel guilty or ashamed.
If they hurt you, betrayed your trust, or handled the breakup badly, they may avoid contact because facing you also means facing what happened.
8. They do not know what to say.
People often imagine that reaching out requires a meaningful reason. “I miss you” may feel too vulnerable, while casual conversation may feel inappropriate.
9. They are waiting for you to reach out first.
Sometimes both people remain silent because each believes the other should make the first move. This can become a stalemate rather than a sign of indifference.
10. They have started a new chapter.
A new relationship, changed lifestyle, new routines, or different priorities may make them less inclined to reconnect.
11. They experienced the breakup differently from you.
One person may begin emotionally detaching before the relationship officially ends. By the time the breakup happens, they may already be further along in processing it.
12. They are avoiding mixed signals.
An ex may still care deeply while knowing that friendship, checking in, or occasional affectionate messages would create confusion.
13. They associate contact with conflict.
If conversations near the end became tense, repetitive, or emotionally exhausting, they may believe silence is healthier than restarting the same cycle.
14. They want control over the situation.
In some cases, silence can involve ego, power, punishment, or an attempt to make the other person wonder. This is possible, but your article should avoid treating it as the default explanation.
15. They simply do not feel a need to reconnect.
This is the hardest possibility, but an important one. Sometimes silence does mean emotional distance. That does not necessarily invalidate what the relationship once meant.
How To Cope If My Ex Never Reached Out To Me?
Try to understand that your ex not reaching out to you is not a measure of your self-worth and self-esteem. It’s also not a measure of how much they loved you, if they have feelings for you, or how good a partner they were.
As mentioned above, an ex may not reach out for a variety of reasons after the breakup and most of them have nothing to do with you.
Instead of continuing to hope that your ex will reach out in the future, try to accept that it may never happen and keep moving forward assuming your ex is also moving on.
Assuming that only 60% of exes ever reach out (based on my analysis), it simply means you fall into the 40% of people whose exes never reach out. And that’s completely okay.
If you have been watching YouTube or TikTok videos about exes returning or visiting forums where everyone talks about ex’s returning, refrain from watching such videos or reading such forums. Giving yourself more false hope will hinder your progress. A lot of these online forums present a false perception of reality.
Instead, focus on your hobbies, health, career, family and friends. Focus on your identity outside of romantic relationships. As you rediscover who you are and start loving and respecting yourself again, you are going to find the breakup much easier to cope.
If you begged after the breakup, will it prevent your ex from reaching out?
It’s very common for people to beg and plead after a breakup. But if your relationship was meaningful, then your ex will most likely understand why you acted desperate and needy after the breakup. In most cases, begging and pleading after a breakup does not significantly affect your chances if you implemented no contact and gave them a lot of space and time.
Of course, the intensity of your needy and desperate actions matter. If you begged and pleaded only for a few days and then left them alone; they probably would get over it and forget it. But if you stalked them for months and kept pestering them every few days, they would probably started thinking of you as extremely needy, desperate and low self-esteem person. In some cases, even dangerous or unsafe. So if you pestered your ex for several months and did things such as showing up at their house or contacting their office colleagues; then don’t expect them to reach out to you.
What can I do to increase chances of my ex reaching out?
The best thing you can do after a breakup is no contact and focus completely on healing. Ironically, the thing that increases your chances most is actually moving on from your ex, building a life that you can be proud of and becoming a better version of yourself.
In other words, you reach a point in your life where you don’t care about your ex reaching out to you.
A lot of exes, somehow find out that you are moving on with your life and living a good life. And when they do find out, they reach out just to check in.
A lot of people think that they can artificially create a perception they are moving on by posting happy photos on social media or acting in front of their friends. But that usually backfires because an ex, who knows you intimately for years, will probably see through it. And even if it succeeds in making them reach out to you, they will quickly sense your desperation once they actually speak to you or meet you.
So again, the key is to genuinely heal from the breakup and actually become happy … rather than pretending.
But, if your ex still doesn’t reach out to you, it doesn’t matter because you have moved on with your life and are no longer concerned with whether or not your ex will come back.
The only caveat is that some people, even after healing from the breakup, have a lingering feeling that the relationship with their ex is worth another shot. And they want to see where that would lead.
And if that’s you, after genuine healing and growth, then it’s absolutely okay to reach out to your ex instead of waiting for them to reach out.
Is it okay if I reach out to my ex even if they dumped me?
It’s not okay if you are reaching out from a place of desperation and neediness. It’s not okay if you are reaching out think getting back together is the only way you can move forward in life.
It’s very very important to be mindful about your mindset and intentions of reaching out. It’s only okay to reach out if you are “outcome independent”. That is to say, if your ex doesn’t reply or rejects your proposal to reconnect, you should be okay with that.
You should have already made peace with that possibility in your mind.
Remember, in most cases, especially if you were anxiously attached to your ex, it’s important to protect your healing after the breakup. Because one bad interaction with your ex can set you back quite a bit in your healing journey.
With that being said, if you feel you have healed and you genuinely feel your ex is worth reconnecting with, you can reach out to your ex.
I talk about ways to reach out to an ex after no contact in this article.
In addition, I recommend reading these articles to understand the mindset you should be in before you reach out to your ex.
- Should I Text My Ex?
- Is There Ever A Good Reason To Get Your Ex Back?
- Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back
- What To Do After No Contact
Recommended Quiz – Find Out Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Back With This Quiz [Very Accurate and Insightful]
And lastly, I recommend you read my 5 step plan to understand the full picture of getting an ex back.
