It was spring break 2015 and my ex has been with a new girl for more than a month now. We were together for more than 2 and a half years before he broke up with me saying that it’s best we both go our separate ways.
I never begged or pleaded. I just agreed to his breakup. But once he left, I realized I loved him a lot and what we had could be fixed.
And so, I read everything there is about getting an ex back when he has a new girlfriend. And after reading it, I was sure he got into a rebound relationship. All the signs were there, he got together with her within weeks, he tried to tell me that he doesn’t miss me (he was definitely lying. how can he not? We were together for 2.5 years.), and once he saw a Snapchat story of mine with another boy, he stopped viewing my stories (he viewed all my stories until then. I am sure he got jealous.)
I was sure he still had feelings for me, even though he denied it. The only problem was his new relationship.
He came back for Spring break and I was obsessing constantly about meeting him and telling him how I feel. But I decided to play it cool and let him reach out to me. Which he did.
We met up and I continued to play it cool. Acting unfazed about his new girlfriend. He even brought her up in the conversation (I am sure it was to see my reaction) but I just played it cool. Made a small joke about it and moved on from the topic.
By the end of our meetup, I was sure he still had feelings for me. But not so sure if I still wanted him back.
Long story short, he broke up with his new girlfriend and got back with me. But ultimately, we broke up again about a year later because he still wasn’t ready to commit. This time, I had no desire to get him back even though the breakup was painful as hell. I powered through it and healed.
If there is anything to learn from my story, it’s that whether your ex has a new girlfriend or not is not a big deal. Even though it was painful and terrifying thinking about him being with someone else, I was correct about my ex being in a rebound relationship. But what I ignored was that he was still a child and he was not ready for commitment the way I was. We were at different stages of our lives and weren’t compatible. And maybe he is a different person now but if I think back, I don’t respect him for the man he was back then.
So if you want your ex back and he is in a new relationship, let him do whatever he wants and don’t focus on him. Focus on yourself and figure out what you want in your life. If your ex comes back and he wants the same thing, talk to him and take things slow. Otherwise, you may end up wasting years of your life with someone who isn’t ready to make you a priority.
(Note – The experience above was co-authored by Kahlad1031, a reader from years ago. Kevin’s article continues below.)
I know how painful it could be to find out the person you love is with someone else when you want them back.
But the truth is, they made a choice to be with the other person and the best thing you can do, for the time being, is respect that choice.
Yes, you can try to get them back, but getting them back shouldn’t be about tactics to break his new relationship. It should be about building yourself up so you are someone he would want to be with.
If this is your first time on this website, my name is Kevin Thompson – I’ve been a breakup coach for more than 15 years and Ex Back Permanently is my website. My specialty is teaching people a healthy way of getting an ex back in a relationship that stands the test of time. Hence the brand name “Permanently”.
(Note: Read this article if you are a guy looking to get his ex girlfriend back when she is dating someone else and this article for a comprehensive guide on winning ex girlfriend back.)
If you are thinking about whether you and your ex have a chance down the road – Take This Quiz To Find Out Your Chances
The Three Methods to Get an Ex Back When He Has Moved On + Their Morality
Even though just pursuing someone who is already in a relationship is questionable, you are still going to find plenty of advice on it online. And since you are going to find it anyways, I might as well tell you everything you can do to get your ex back when he has moved on, and explain what is healthy and what is not.
1. The Direct Approach
This approach is to just tell your ex honestly and clearly that you want them back. You just call them up, and you say something like,
“Hey Ex, what we had was something special. And I respect that you are in a new relationship but I wanted you to know that I still love you and I still miss you. And I think our issues can be fixed and we can talk about it all. My door is open for you. So if you ever change your mind, feel free to reach out to me.”
This is essentially telling your ex how you feel, and then choosing to move on.
Since your ex is dating someone else, they will most probably not break up immediately but they will know how you feel. And if they ever change their mind, they are going to reach out to you.
This approach has the advantage of unburdening yourself about how you feel and then moving on from your ex.
Since you have already said what you wanted to say, there is nothing more to do, so the only choice left for you is to move on from your ex if they refuse or ghost you.
It will be painful, but most people get over the pain if they make a choice to move forward with their lives.
This method is still in the grey area. Because if your ex is with someone else, you telling them that you still love them can disrupt their relationship.
Remember, it’s about treating people with the same level of respect and kindness that you deserve. So it’s unfair to your ex and his new girlfriend if you tell your ex you still love them.
2. Being There as a Friend Approach
This approach is subtle, but manipulative nonetheless. As the name suggests, you try to be in your ex’s life as a friend. And as you spent time with them, you hope that your ex will develop feelings for you again and break up with their new girlfriend.
Every time you meet your ex, you try to look your best, and be your best version. Some people even suggest some light flirting here and there. While others suggest sleeping with your ex, making them cheat on their current girlfriend.
A very manipulative advice you will find, is to undermine your ex’s new girlfriend subtly in every interaction. For example, some people recommend mispronouncing your ex’s new girlfriend’s name just to show that you don’t really care about her. Imagine calling her “Olive” instead of “Olivia” and whenever your ex corrects you, you say “Whatever”. Not gonna lie, that’s kind of funny. But it’s still manipulative and borderline creepy.
As you can probably see, it is disrespectful to your ex and their new girlfriend. Imagine, if you get your ex back, and one of his other ex girlfriends comes to his life trying to do the same thing.
How would that make you feel?
Trying to be friends with your ex with the ulterior motive of making them break up is manipulative and definitely morally wrong. Not to mention, even if it works, you and your ex are going to have trust issues and it’ll probably lead to another breakup down the line.
The only caveat is if you and your ex are genuinely friends and you don’t do anything that may be disrespectful to their new relationship. This means no flirting, no meetups with just you and your ex, no talking bad about his new girlfriend, and setting clear boundaries if he tries to flirt with you.
As you can imagine, it’s not easy to do if you have strong feelings for your ex and are desperate to get them back. It’ll be mentally exhausting and ultimately you are just prolonging the pain of the breakup while keeping yourself in false hope. So, it’s probably just a better idea to choose one of the other two approaches.
3. Sitting With Your Feelings For a While and Healing (My Recommendation)
Now I have not really spoken about it until now, but it’s really important to think about this.
Why would you want your ex who left you and is dating someone else?
That’s a rhetorical question. I know why. Because you are attached to them and have very strong feelings for them. Feelings so strong that you are willing to break the golden rule for.
But, and it’s a big but, these feelings don’t always last. This is why my number 1 recommendation is to just sit with your feeling of wanting your ex back for a few months.
Now, I have a course that can help you process these feelings faster and more effectively. But even if you don’t get that course, just focus on general self-care, self-love and building a fulfilling life without your ex.
Essentially, a lot of what I recommend in my 5 Step Plan To Get Your Ex Back that covers everything. (Which is Free to read).
Now this has two advantages –
1. It gives you a lot of time and space to figure out what you truly want. Not just with your ex but in romantic relationships. It also gives you time to heal and become a better version of yourself. Someone who can handle relationship problems better and can communicate better. It also gives you the time to build up your self-esteem so you know you deserve a great relationship.
2. It gives your ex time to figure out if they truly want this new relationship. A lot of times, the new relationship (if it happens soon after the breakup) is a rebound relationship. And for various reasons, these relationships don’t last because the ex can’t create an emotional attachment with the new girl. This is because emotionally, they have not moved on from the breakup. So while the honeymoon phase may still be fun for them, it most likely won’t transition into a long term serious relationship.
So my recommended approach is to leave your ex (and their new girlfriend) alone for a few months and focus on healing and working on yourself.
Essentially, you stop trying to control your ex, and you let them do whatever they want. Meanwhile, you only focus on what you can control, healing, and in this context – try to implement the golden rule in your life.
If after enough time has passed, you still want them back, you can reach out and ask them if they are still dating the other person. If they are not, simply ask them out for a date, meetup and discuss getting back together. (There are other ways to reach out to an ex that I talk about in this article.)
My recommendation is to start with a semi-direct approach (or a friendly approach) if you still want your ex back after you have healed from the breakup. I talk about this approach in this article on texting and my 5 Step Plan to get your ex boyfriend back.
So to sum it up for you, here’s the approach I recommend most
Do Nothing for a while (And focus on healing) —-> Reconnect with your ex (and see if they are still dating) —–> If appropriate, talk about getting back together (if not, then move on from them)
Let’s see how this approach falls into different situations and circumstances.
Part 1 – Probability of his new relationship being a rebound
The first question that most women have on their mind when they find out that their ex is dating someone else is indubitably,
Does My Ex Really Love His New Girlfriend?
And the answer to that, in most cases, is ….
No, he does not love his new girlfriend.
He is most likely in a rebound relationship. And his rebound relationship will most likely end sooner or later.
He may be infatuated with this new girl at the moment. But it doesn’t mean he “loves” him. It doesn’t mean that the new girl is going to be his future wife. It doesn’t mean he will love her the same way he loved you.
In fact, if you satisfy the following two criteria, then there is a very good chance that your ex is not over you and that he still has strong feelings for you. The two criteria are,
- You two had a meaningful relationship that lasted for more than six months.
- The breakup happened less than six months ago.
If you are interested how I came across this criteria, it’s from a study we did on breakups and reconciliation. You can read the detailed study here.
Back to the topic at hand, if you and your ex had a meaningful relationship, and you broke up recently, then there is a good chance his new relationship is a rebound relationship and that it will end again pretty soon.
If you have doubts whether or not his new relationship is a rebound, I highly recommend you read this article on rebound relationships where I talk about common patterns that rebound relationships follow and how you can spot his pattern and figure out if it’s a rebound relationship
My Ex Has a Girlfriend But He Still Wants To See Me/Talk To Me/ Calls Me. What Does It Mean?
If your ex wants to speak to you, talk to you or meet you even if he has a girlfriend, then that’s a strong sign that he sill has feelings for you. But it does not necessarily mean he wants you back or that he will come back.
If this is you, then the best thing you can do is minimize or cut contact with him and focus on healing. As we will discuss later in the article, it is the most healthy course of action for you and coincidentally, it’s also the course of action that increases your chances of getting him back the most.
If a guy leaves you for another girl will he come back?
A lot of guys do tend to come back even if they leave for another girl. I’ve had many clients with such stories and you can also read some of those stories here in the comment section.
Essentially, a lot of people tend to leave because of the grass is greener syndrome. Especially young guys who have not yet explored the world.
And a lot of such stories end up with reconciliation after enough time has passed.
But, if your ex left you for another girl, there are two things you must consider –
1. The possibility that he cheated on you – If he had another girl lined up, then there is a chance that he wasn’t honest in the relationship and maybe cheated on you. And if that’s the case, it will be very hard for you to trust him again. Signs that may be true are if he changed his behavior a few months before the breakup, if he tried to hide his phone, or if he started staying out at unusual hours.
2. The possibility that this may turn into a narcissistic abuse cycle – A Narcissistic abuse cycle is a cycle of love bombing, followed by devaluation (through criticism and gaslighting), discarding, and re-engagement. Signs that you were abused by a narcissist include losing your sense of identity, becoming isolated from loved ones, and feeling emotionally drained, anxious, or ashamed.
In both above cases, you must be very careful if they come back. Because there is a very good chance they will repeat the same patterns again.
Remember that you deserve a healthy and amazing relationship. If your ex comes back and love bombs you, it may feel like they are sweeping you off your feet and this is a Disney movie. But the patterns will repeat again if you are not careful. So always take things slow, talk about your needs and desires clearly and don’t jump into bed with your ex too soon.
Do Rebound Relationships Always End?
This is a tough one to swallow. But the truth is, a lot of rebound relationships turn into real intimate relationships that may last years or even decades. So just because he is in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean there is a 100% chance it will end.
Yes, statistics work in your favor. But your ex boyfriend may be in that rare rebound relationship that turns into a real relationship. So keep your expectations in check.
Part 2: Preparing Yourself for Getting Him Back If He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend
In this part of the article, we will talk about what you need to do to prepare yourself for getting him back.
You can read hundreds of articles and watch thousands of YouTube videos about getting him back. But the fact is, if you are still insecure, desperate or needy to win him back from his new girlfriend, you are going to fail.
In addition, if you don’t know how to fix what was broken in the relationship, your ex will never get back with you. And even if he does, he will leave again once he realizes nothing has changed.
No YouTube video or article is going to get rid of that neediness and insecurity from inside you. No YouTube video is going to fix the issues that lead to the breakup. You are going to have to do that yourself.
So before you try getting him back from his new girlfriend, you need to take some time apart from him and focus on yourself. Focus on preparing yourself so you can become the woman he dreams of being with.
How do you do that?
If your ex has moved on, if he is dating someone else or if he is in a rebound relationship, you must do no contact.
If you are not sure what no contact is, read this article. It will teach you everything you need to know about no contact.
In short, no contact is when you cut your ex from your life so you can focus on healing from the breakup and growing as a person.
Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else?
No contact does work even if your ex is seeing someone else. In fact, no contact works even if your ex has moved on and his new relationship isn’t a rebound.
But you must understand, that the purpose of the no contact rule is to help you heal and grow as a person.
As for getting your ex back, doing no contact when he is seeing someone else will increase your chances of getting him back. But a lot of it still depends on your ex, their choices and what you do after no contact.
Will my ex move on during no contact?
A lot of women have this fear when they are trying to win a man back from another woman.
If you stop contacting him, and he is in a new relationship, wouldn’t he forget about you?
The answer is no. In most cases, his new relationship will be a rebound. And if you stop contacting him, he is going to realize that the new relationship is shallow. (Read more about rebound relationships here).
Moreover, the only way to get him back in an amazing long-lasting relationship is to fix the issues that lead to the breakup and become a confident and attractive woman again. And as long as you are in contact with him, it’s going to be very difficult to do that.
My ex keeps contacting me even though he has a new girlfriend. Should I still do no contact?
So, your ex may want to keep you around while he is dating someone else. You want him back, but it’s confusing whether or not you should do no contact. He insists that you should stay friends even though he is dating someone else.
The best way to go about this situation is to figure out how speaking to him is affecting your mental health.
Ask yourself the following questions..
- Do you feel overwhelmed when he talks about his new girlfriend?
- If he is cold, does it make you angry/needy/desperate?
- Do you feel disrespected in any way?
- Is speaking to him stopping you from healing and growing as a person?
- Is speaking to him stopping you from dating other guys and moving on?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above (which is true for most cases), then you should stop contact with your ex for a while to heal and grow, even if he insists on staying in touch.
To stop contact with him, just use the following text.
“I appreciate it that you still want to stay friends. But speaking to you is stopping me from healing from this breakup and it’s not good for my mental health. I want to cut contact with you for a while. Maybe we can be friends later on when I have healed. But for now, I need some space and time.”
By doing this, you are not only showing your ex that you are strong and confident. You are also telling him that you won’t just wait around and be his doormat. That you will always put your own well-being above everything else.
In addition, cutting him off this way will make him realize whether or not he still has feelings for you. A lot of times, an ex boyfriend will never feel like he has lost you because he can have you in his life in his terms. By changing the terms of this post breakup relationship, you are telling him that he has truly lost you. And this may just be the thing that makes him want you back.
On the other hand, if speaking to him is not affecting your mental health and you can still heal from the breakup and grow as a person while speaking to him, then there is no need to do no contact. You may still choose to do the no initiate rule. Which essentially means to not initiate any contact with your ex. If they contact you, you can reply to them while keeping things short and sweet. You can read about it in this article.
Part 3 – Reconnecting With Your Ex
Now if you have taken enough time to heal and you still want your ex back, then it only makes sense to reconnect with them.
My most recommended method to reconnect with an ex is a semi direct message acknowledging the breakup, stating that you have accepted it and expressing your desire to reconnect honestly with confidence and clarity. I call it the elephant in the room message and you can download some sample text messages here or read about it in detail over here.
However, if your ex is still dating their new girlfriend, you can also choose a friendly casual message such as,
“Hey, how have you been? I was just thinking about you after seeing the new Avenger’s movie. The new Avengers is boring AF. lol”
If they respond positively, then just continue speaking to them and eventually ask them out.
When it comes to their new relationship, the best thing you can do is respect it, don’t be manipulative and be unfazed about it.
The Importance of Being Unfazed
Whenever you interact with your ex, it’s important that you are unfazed whenever his new relationship comes up or what his relationship status is. This shows two things –
1. That you have healed. That your happiness isn’t tied to them being with you and consequently, their relationship status can not make you unhappy.
2. That you are confident in yourself. That you know you deserve a healthy and happy relationship and you aren’t comparing yourself to their new girlfriend.
And the only way to be unfazed isn’t to act or “fake it”. It’s to actually heal from the breakup which is what Part 2 of this article was about. If you haven’t read it yet, scroll above and read it or read my article on the no contact rule or my 5 step plan to get your ex back.
Acting from a place of confidence
The second most important thing you can do is acting from a place of confidence and self-respect. That means believing in yourself and believing that you deserve respect.
So if you find yourself in any situation where it feels like your ex is treating you with disrespect or that you are not being the best version of yourself – choose to act with self-respect and choose your mental health above the idea of getting him back.
Being friends with the ex
Now a lot of people tend to be friends with their ex before they get back together. It makes sense in a lot of cases because friendship can be a very strong foundation of a romantic relationship.
But if your ex is dating someone else, you need to treat this friendship a little bit differently. Essentially, you need to have boundaries and you need to have respect for your ex’s new relationship.
Otherwise, your new relationship (if you both get back together) would be built on deceit and it’s not a good way to start a long term relationship.
Remember, if you are getting back together, your aim should be to build the foundation of this new relationship on trust, honesty, respect and healthy communication.
How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Breakup With His New Girlfriend
Unfortunately, you can’t make him breakup with his new girlfriend. It has to be his decision. Once you have gone out with him a few times, and he has seen the new and improved you, he will himself start wondering whether he should give it another go with you. This is assuming that you followed step 3 in the 5 step plan(the no contact rule and working on yourself).
Letting your feelings known and walking away.
Ultimately, if you and your ex are not making progress, if your ex is still with his new girlfriend, or if you feel all of this is taking a toll on your mental health, then it’s time to tell them your feelings honestly and walk away.
Don’t do it as an ultimatum or a tactic to get them back. Do it from a place of honesty, confidence and a willingness to walk away. Maybe it will lead you both to get back together or maybe you will finally have the strength to let your ex go and move on from him. But whatever happens, you will be proud of yourself because you acted from a place of love and honesty rather than deceit, lies and manipulation.
Aim for a Relationship that You can Trust
Imagine a relationship where you trust your boyfriend so much that you are not worried about other women hitting on him, trying to flirt with him, or steal him from you.
Imagine a relationship, where if your boyfriend’s ex comes back into his life, and she tells him that she wants him back, he simply smiles and tells her, “No, I am happy with my girlfriend. I love her and would never do anything to betray her trust.”
And then he comes home and tells you what happened. You both joke about it, and then move on to curl up on the sofa and watch the next season of Severance with Pizza for dinner.
That’s what a relationship built on the foundation of honesty and trust feels like. That’s the type of relationship a lot of my readers, customers and clients were able to create even though, at one point of time, they too wanted to get their ex back at all cost. And yes, sometimes, they have that type of relationship with their ex.
And the best way to create that type of relationship is to heal from the breakup, focus on personal growth, learning from your past mistakes and communicating honestly with your partner.
And most importantly, don’t settle for anything less than an amazing relationship. Know your worth. And if you feel you are not worthy, then raise your self-worth. There are ways to do that through therapy, self-love and self-care.
I talk about it a lot on my website and my articles.
In essence, these are the foundations that you must follow at all cost –
- Your self-respect and mental health is the top most priority. If anything affects it negatively, then you must speak up and stop that thing as soon as possible.
- It’s okay to want your ex back. It’s okay to hope they will come back. But it’s not okay to lower your standards of life to achieve that.
- You deserve a healthy and amazing relationship. It’s not just about someone sweeping you off your feet. Healthy relationships are built on the foundation of trust, honesty, and communication.
By now, you should have a pretty good idea about what to do and how to get your ex boyfriend back. Again, if you haven’t read the 5 step plan to get your ex back, click here to read it now. It’s the most popular article on this website and I have seen this plan work time and time again.
Real Life Stories
So I have had a lot of readers, clients and customers who got their ex back even after he moved on to another girlfriend. I have shared one such story in this Article’s Situation 2. But if you are interested in more of such stories, let me know in the comments section below.
Recommended Readings
Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back
The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It
Should You Get Your Ex Back? Yes, No or Wait
Quiz – Find Out Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Back (Even if he is dating someone else)
Hi,
I met a European (divorced) guy online (I’m from Asia) through a professional site. He reached out to me, introduced himself and said he wanted to get to know me. We have known each other for two months. At first, I was just answering his questions (if I had a family, what my hobbies were, etc.) I was sort of going with the flow, but eventually, our conversations went deeper and romantic. We did not not have an actual labeled relationship, but we exchanged messages like that of lovers. Until he said he has already fallen in love with someone else - same nationality as his and same age. He said he wants us to stay in contact, as friends. But I want to get him back. After all, he was really interested in me before he met that girl. Is there a chance that I could win him back? Is it a good idea that we stay friends in hopes that he would come back to me when things don't go well with the girl?
To be honest, if you did not share a relationship him in the first place, then you might find it hard to successfully win him back and prevent him from moving on with the other person, especially since she shares more similarities with him, which might mean a stronger connection than the one he had with you.
So you think it's not a good idea for me to remain friends with him, if I am still hoping that I will win him back?