If you cheated on your ex, it’s not going to be easy to win them back. But it’s also not necessarily a death sentence for your relationship.
A lot of people get back in a healthy relationship after they cheated on their ex. In most cases, it takes a lot of time to repair the trust, heal and get back together. But in some cases, couples get back together within a few weeks or months of breaking up due to infidelity.
It mostly depends on a few factors and how you go about winning them back.
How To Get Your Ex Back After Cheating?
If your ex broke up with you because of cheating and you want them back, you should be respectful of their need for space, while not completely ignoring them. At the same time, analyze the reason you cheated, and figure out a way to make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. If your ex is open to the idea of getting back together, rebuild the relationship on the foundation of honest, respect and communication.
In addition, if you are getting back with your ex after cheating, you should remember these important points.
1. It may not be a good idea to try to get back together: If it feels impossible to rebuild the trust, then you are better off not getting back together. Sometimes, infidelity is a sign of a broken relationship and broken trust, not the cause. While it’s still not an excuse, you should seriously consider giving up on your relationship if it feels impossible to trust each other again.
2. You should try to fix the issues that lead to this breakup: In most cases, there were issues in the relationship that lead to the infidelity. Again, not an excuse. But you should analyze and figure out those issues and try to understand how you could have addressed those issues and avoided infidelity altogether.
3. Things are not going to be easy after getting back together: When you get back together, your new relationship is going to be significantly different from what it was. You may have to make some sacrifices. You may have to be okay with your partner checking up on you every once in a while. Rebuilding trust may take a long time. But if you are both honest and communicate with each other in a healthy manner, your new relationship will be stronger than before.
4. You can come back from infidelity: A lot of people don’t see infidelity as a death sentence for the relationship. According to one survey conducted on 1800 people by Relationship Australia, a majority of survey respondents considered that infidelity should not always signal the end of the relationship (male respondents – 64%; female respondents – 54%)
5. Both men and women cheat on their partners: And more or less, the reason for cheating and the frequency for cheating is similar. The process of getting back with an ex after cheating remains similar whether you are a man or a woman in a heterosexual relationship, or if you were in a gay relationship.
Reader Experience: I Cheated on My Husband and I Got Him Back
By – regretscheating84 (Source – Reader Email)
My affair lasted only two weeks. It was with an office coworker. When my husband found out, he was devastated. He said he never thought I could do something like that. I never thought I could do something like that either. I denied it at first. I told him it was just a one time thing. But then he saw my emails. I never deleted those. He didn’t give me enough time to check. He found out that it had been going on for two weeks. And then I confessed.
I cried and I confessed. I told him everything. The phone calls. The meetings that happened in a hotel room. The lies I told him. He said he never felt so betrayed by anyone. He didn’t want to see me. He left the house to stay at a friends.
I texted him constantly. He didn’t reply to my messages. I called him almost three hundred times, he never picked up. I eventually gave up. I thought my marriage was over.
Then my coworker contacted me. He wanted to hook up again. I felt disgusted. I never felt so disgusted in my life than at that moment. Is that who I am? Am I the type of person who would ruin a perfect marriage only to hook up my coworker on the same day?
I was better than that. I am better than that. I told him to never contact me again and I blocked him. The next day, I quit my job and started looking for another job.
I didn’t hear from my ex for a week. But then he called me. It was a video call. I guess he wanted to make sure I wasn’t with anyone. I was home.
I was sure he will talk about getting a divorce. But he didn’t. He just asked what I was doing and what I did the entire week. I told him the truth. I told him I quit my job and I was searching for another job. He asked about the other guy and I told him I blocked him.
He didn’t have much to say that day. But then we spoke again the next day and he asked more questions. Why did I cheat? How could I do this to him?
We kept talking every day. Most of it was about our relationship and how we drifted apart. Whenever the topic of my cheating came up, I was as honest as possible. Those conversations were hard for both of us. But he knew I wasn’t going around with anyone and I knew he was slowly accepting what happened.
Eventually, we decided to get couples counseling. He was still staying with his friends for the first three sessions. But then he decided to move back in.
I never pressured him to come back. It was his decision. I was just always there for him whenever he wanted to talk. I was always just honest and I tried my best to figure out the issues in me that lead to the cheating.
During therapy, I realized I would never communicate clearly what I wanted. I was scared to express my needs and my desires. And when he wouldn’t understand them, I would just suppress them. They slowly turned into resentment for him and my relationship. And when the opportunity came to cheat on him, I had so much resentment built up that I didn’t care about ruining my relationship. Not until I got caught and realized what I might lose.
He was there during the therapy sessions when I realized this. It was news to him. But he understood things better. He understood me better. Since then, we both have been communicating much better than before. Right now, I am going to individual therapy to unlearn my unhealthy behaviors and set healthy boundaries.
Part 1: What To Do After The Breakup If You Cheated and Want Them Back?
Chances are, your ex doesn’t want to do anything with you. They probably feel angry or hurt whenever you call them. Maybe when you try to touch them, they feel disgusted and want to run away from you. Maybe they don’t want to see your face because it reminds them of how much you have hurt them.
This kind of puts you in a seemingly impossible situation. How can you convince them to get back together if you can’t speak to them and be with them?
It’s not really an impossible situation. Because your ex needs space.
Yes, I understand you are probably scared that your ex will move on. But you don’t really have much of an option here.
The fact is, your act of infidelity was a shock to your ex. It hurt them deeply and they are still trying to come to terms with what happened. At this point, if you try to console them or make them feel better, it’s just going to make it worse.
But if you give them space, they are going to slowly accept what happened.
Here’s what to do to increase your chances of getting back together later on.
- Let them know you don’t want to give up on this relationship. If you haven’t already, tell them you want to get back together. But you understand and respect their decision to breakup.
- If they want to know the details of the affair/infidelity, tell them everything honestly. Don’t give them trickle truth hoping they won’t find out everything. The more honest you are at the beginning, the easier it will be fore you later on to win their trust back.
- Let them know you will respect their need for space. But if they ever need to speak to you, you will be there for them.
- Take responsibility for your actions. Apologize for what happened without giving any excuses.
- Tell them that you will use the time apart to work on yourself, understand the issues that lead you to cheat and try your best to become a better version of yourself.
- If you are planning to go to therapy (which you should), then you should let them know about that as well.
Once you’ve done that, it’s time to start no contact. Actually, a milder version of the no contact rule.
How To Do No Contact After Infidelity?
If you have read our articles on getting an ex back, you know that you know that the first thing you need to do is no contact.
No contact is, essentially, a way to give both you, and your ex some time and space so you can think clearly and get some perspective on the breakup.
You have to stop contact with them for a while and let them process their emotions. You can’t convince them when they are angry. You have to give them time to calm down and so should you.
Even if you miss your ex and every inch of your body wants to call them, you must still do no contact.
A good way to do no contact after cheating on your ex is to either follow the “No Initiate Rule” or the “Mild No Contact Rule”.
The No Initiate Rule means that you don’t initiate contact with your ex but if your ex reaches out to you, you speak to them normally. You don’t push your ex, but if your ex wants to talk, you don’t pull away either. You listen to them and try to understand what they want.
The No Initiate Rule works after infidelity because you are not smothering your ex but you are also not ignoring them. You show them that you can be depended on, that you will be there for them if they need you, but you are not needy or desperate.
The Mild No Contact Rule means you speak to your ex every 3-4 days just to check in. This only works in very few cases. You should only do the Mild No Contact Rule if your ex has shown signs of wanting to get back together and they are open to communicating and figuring out a solution to the problems in the relationship.
If you are not sure how you should do no contact with your ex, I recommend you click on the link below and read the article on No Contact.
Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule Explained
Part 2: What To Do During No Contact Rule and Time Apart if You Want Your Ex Back After Cheating?
While you are both taking some time and space away from each other, you need to use this time effectively. Now there is a lot of things you can do during this time to increase your chances and I talk about it in our article on the no contact rule and on how to get an ex back.
In essence, you should focus on self-improvement, self-care, analyzing the relationship (to figure out if it’s worth getting back together) and accepting the breakup (because there’s always a chance things will not work out).
But since you cheated on your ex, and you want them back, there are a few other things you need to focus on while you and your ex are taking space away from each other.
1. Remove The Person You Cheated With From Your Life.
If your goal is to maximize your chances of getting back with your ex, you need to fully commit to it. You can’t stay in touch with the person you cheated with and hope to still get back with your ex. You can’t dilly dally around this. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t keep that person as an option if you are committed to getting your ex back.
If you want to have any chances of getting back together, you need to cut off the person you cheated on your ex with. And you need to stick to it. Even if you feel lonely, sad or tempted to just screw around one last time; you need to stick to it.
The best way to do this is to let them know that you can’t be in contact with them because you want to make it work with your ex.
Yes, you need to do this even if your ex wants to stay broken up with you. Doing this shows commitment from you. And that can go a long way in getting them back.
2. Don’t Do Any Kind of Manipulation or Play Mind Games
I have to include this point because there is a lot of unhealthy advice on the internet about trying to make your ex jealous during no contact or play mind games.
Don’t do it. Don’t post pictures on social media to make your ex jealous. Don’t try to show up accidentally where your ex is going to visit. Don’t post cryptic stories on Insta to make your ex curious.
Don’t do anything that may be interpreted by your ex as manipulative or needy. Instead choose honesty and respect.
3. Understand Why you Cheated.
OK, I understand. Monogamy is hard. Heck, a lot of people argue that monogamy is even unnatural.
But monogamy is something that you agreed to when you started the relationship with your ex. When you decided to be exclusive, you promised them that you would only be with them and not anyone else. And by cheating on them, you broke that promise. You betrayed their trust and you hurt them.
The question is why?
Why did you hurt this person who trusted you with all their heart? Why did you betray them when you knew that it will end the relationship that you cherished so much?
In the 1980s and 90s, studies suggested that men usually cheat because of sexual reasons and women cheat for emotional reasons. However, recent studies have shown that is no longer the case. A study published in Trends In Psychology suggested men and women are unfaithful to the same extent and for the same reasons. Let’s discuss these reasons in brief.
1. Emotional Void
Essentially, if you felt there was an emotional void in your life, you tend to look outside your relationship to fill that. Sometimes, you crave attention from your partner, you feel you need acceptance, you need to feel attractive, you need to feel pampered or you need to feel supported. If you don’t get that, you are likely to seek that emotional connection from outside the relationship. And often, that emotional connection turns into having feelings for someone else which leads to physical infidelity.
Again, both men and women can cheat because of this reason. According to Dark Horse, a guy who has been cheating on his wife,
It was never about the sex for me. I wanted to feel wanted again and I craved attention. Having an attractive woman pining over me filled me with dopamine more than anything I’ve ever experienced. To get those butterflies in your stomach, to get that rush, there are simply no words to describe the euphoria. If it led to sex great, however if not, I was satisfied with kisses and regular contact. I was happy with having someone to talk to, share my problems with and being heard. It was a far cry from my reality at home.
2. Lack of Sexual Satisfaction
The other reason people cheat is lack of sexual satisfaction. If you are not satisfied in the bedroom, you may look for that satisfaction elsewhere.
For a lot of people, the lack of sexual satisfaction can be boiled down to lack of novelty. For some it could be not being able to orgasm during sex. Or it could be that the sex is not exciting enough for them.
As relationships progress, the sexual excitement is likely to diminish and people can start craving the excitement that comes with a new sexual relationship.
Dr. Alicia Walker of Missouri State University studied many women who secretly had extra marital affairs using an online portal. These women specifically vetted the online profiles for a sexual partner, rather than emotional partner. These women didn’t want to leave their relationship, they just wanted the novelty that comes with an affair and get the sexual satisfaction that was lacking in their relationship.
3. Cheating Because You Were Feeling Trapped or Overwhelmed
Sometimes, people cheat because they feel trapped in the relationship. Because they want to run away from it. Either because their emotional needs were unmet, because their sexual needs were unmet, or simply because they are going through a rough time in their lives.
But when their partner finds out about their cheating and wants to end the relationship, they realize the mistake they made and want to make it work.
4. Cheating Because You Are Young and Exploring Your Options
A lot of young people often cheat on their partners and end up regretting it. When you are young, you aren’t really sure about what you want in a relationship and you want to explore your sexuality. This is common if you got in a committed relationship before you got the chance to fully explore your options.
Young couples who cheat on their partner can get their ex back but this often requires you to take some time apart from your ex and stay single for a while. Don’t force your ex to get back together unless you are both sure you are ready to be in a committed relationship.
5. Cheating Because of Long Distance Relationship
Long distance relationships are often very challenging and they can lead to infidelity. If you and your ex broke up because of long distance and infidelity, then you shouldn’t attempt to get back together unless you are both back in the same city.
6. Cheating Because You Weren’t Committed Enough To the Relationship
Some of my readers and clients have shared stories about how they cheated when they weren’t serious about the relationship. But when they realized that they wanted to be with their ex, it was too late. Their ex had already found out about the act of infidelity and decided to breakup.
This usually happens because you weren’t honest about what type of relationship you wanted and your commitment. This is also more common if you are young and still exploring your options.
But the fact remains, your ex expected commitment from you and you weren’t ready for it. This type of infidelity can be hard to overcome because your ex’s level of commitment for you is probably very low. If you cheated early on in the relationship, your ex has little reasons to rekindle a relationship with someone they aren’t committed to and who has already broken their trust.
4. Figure Out If It’s Worth Getting Back Together
This is a very important step whenever you are trying to get an ex back. It’s important even if there was no cheating. The fact is, getting back together and making a relationship work is hard work. And it doesn’t always work. It gets even harder and the chances of it working get even slimmer if infidelity was involved.
To give you some number, only 15% of couples of breakup end up back together in a long lasting relationship. That number comes from a large scale study we did a few years ago and it has been widely accepted by most experts in the world.
But when infidelity is involved, the chances of it working goes down even more.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it. And to be fair, a lot of couples do get back together after cheating and the relationship does work out. I have had many clients that successfully got back with their ex in a healthy relationship after cheating. So it can also work out for you. But you should taper your expectations and also consider the possibility that reconciling may not be the best course of action for you or your ex.
Here are a few questions that will help you figure this out. As you start doing no contact and take some space from your ex, keep asking yourself these questions every few days to see if your answers have changed. In addition, read our guide on whether or not getting back together is a good idea for you.
- What was missing in your life that you decided to cheat on your ex?
- Are you sure that if you get your ex back, you will not hurt them again?
- How do you know you will not have the same problems in relationship that you had before (which lead you to cheating)?
- Even if you get back together, things will be more hectic than before, do you think you two can handle it?
- Getting your ex to start trusting you again will require a lot of hard work and sacrifices (you may have to give up your privacy for a while). Are you willing to do that hard work and make those sacrifices?
Recommended Reading: Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back – 6 Steps To Find Out
Part 3: How To Get Your Ex To Forgive You, Start Trusting You and Get Back Together?
This is the part where you need to let go of control and have a lot of patience. The fact is, you can’t really make your ex forgive you. You can’t make them forget what happened. The only thing you can do is show them the value of getting back with you.
To recap, you need to have given your ex some space and time after the breakup. You should have already clearly told them your intentions to not give up on the relationship and work on your issues. And you have been honest and respectful to your ex throughout this time.
Now before you talk about getting back together, you need to do a few things.
1. Start speaking to your ex again if you haven’t been speaking for a while. And when you start speaking again, your conversations shouldn’t be as emotionally draining for your ex as they used to be. If you have given enough time to heal and accept what happened, they shouldn’t be disgusted just hearing your voice. In fact, they should be warm and receptive.
2. Your ex should trust you enough to think about a relationship with you. Your ex needs to see a ray of hope that you are someone who can be trusted. Only then they will consider getting back together.
3. They should see the value of being in a relationship with you. Your ex should see the value in being in a relationship with you. If they don’t think it’s worth it, they will not make any effort to rebuild the trust and forgive you. They would much rather move on from you and start another relationship.
Now as you can see, most of the above is out of your control. If your ex doesn’t feel like they can trust you, they will never even consider getting back with you. If your ex doesn’t feel like the relationship is worth it, they will move on no matter how much you try to convince them otherwise.
The only thing you can do is put your best foot forward. Show them the changes you have made, the insights you have gained and what a relationship will be like when they are with you.
To start with, you need to get your ex talking to you again.
1. How To Get Your Ex Talking To You Again After Cheating
I am guessing you already apologized a thousand times so another apology isn’t going to help. However, accepting your mistakes and being completely honest about whatever lead you to cheating will help. I talk about something called the Elephant in the Room Message a lot on this website.
It’s a way to clean the slate after breakup by accepting your mistakes, showing an understanding of the reasons that lead to those mistakes, and telling them how you are going to change and become a better person. It’s a great way to get your ex to start talking to you again after no contact.
To learn more about the Elephant in the Room Message refer to the resources below.
Recommended Reading: How To Text Your Ex [with 53 Examples]
Recommended Download: 5 Elephant in the Room Text Samples [Click To Download PDF]
2. How To Get Your Ex To Forgive You and Trust You Again?
Once your ex has started talking to you again, you still need to do a lot of work to earn their trust back. You may have to do a lot of work to heal their broken heart and win them back.
You have to show them some positive change in yourself if you want them to think about getting back together. You have to show them that you are capable of change. You have to show them that you are capable of working on the relationship and the trust issues that will arrive if you get back together.
Forgiveness is not something you should aim for because it’s not something you or your ex can control. In most cases, your ex will forgive you eventually as time goes by whether or not they are with you. Your ex may not fully forgive you but still decide to give it another shot if they see a potential in the relationship.
When you do get back together, you will have to work a lot on the trust issues. For starters, you have to cut all contact with the person you cheated with. You have to be OK with their insecurity and jealousy for a while. You have to be OK with them invading your privacy for a while. It’s even recommended that you two take couples counseling to work on the trust issues (in fact, it should be you who recommends it. It shows that you are ready to work on the relationship and your issues).
3. How Your Ex Sees the Value in a Relationship With You?
Whether or not your ex will ultimately get back with you depends on what the new relationship will mean to them. And it depends on these factors.
1. Their Level Of Investment
The most important factor is your ex’s level of investment in you. How much were they invested in the relationship and you? Their investment can be measured in terms of the time you were together, their level of commitment, whether or not you had kids, and how much they love you.
If you were in the relationship only for a couple of months and you cheated, then they will probably walk away without thinking twice. But if you were married with kids, or you were in a relationship for more than a couple of years, then they will think about giving the relationship another try.
Similarly, if you two had a great relationship, and they were madly in love with you, then you have a good chance of reconciliation. However, if your relationship was already a little shaky and they were already falling out of love, then this act of infidelity might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
2. How Badly Did You Cheat?
There is cheating and then there is CHEATING. There is a difference between breaking someone’s trust and completely obliterating their trust with a sledgehammer.
A lot of times an ex will forgive you the first time you cheated on them. But if you cheat on them a second time even after they forgave you, it’s going to be even harder for them to forgive you and trust you again.
Think of breaking your partner’s trust as breaking a piece of expensive chinaware. The first time you break it, you can put it together through a meticulous process. The chinaware will not look the same as before, but you can still use it regularly and it may still last a life time.
But the second time you break the chinaware (or cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend twice), it’s going to much hard to put it back together. And even though it is possible to put it back together, it’s going to be extremely fragile and it will need a lot of care to make it last a long time.
And if you manage to break the chinaware a third time, it’s going to be nearly impossible to put it back together.
As you can imagine, the worse you cheated, the harder it will be to trust you again and the less likely are they to come back. Of course, it all still depends on the third and most important factor in getting them back.
3. What do they feel about cheating?
The level of betrayal your ex feels depends not only depends on how badly you cheated but also what is their stance on cheating.
In my experience, this is also the most important factor in getting an ex back after cheating. What your ex thinks about cheating in general? What is their belief about cheating? Do they feel that people who cheat are morally corrupt and never to be trusted? Or do they think that cheating is natural and it’s something that doesn’t have to be a death sentence for the relationship?
If your ex already explicitly told you that cheating was a deal breaker for them and they will never get back in a relationship with a cheater, then chances of you getting them back are close to null. People generally don’t change their core beliefs and it will be very hard to convince them.
However, if your ex doesn’t see cheating as that big of a deal and they understand that it’s a common thing to happen, then they may be open to getting back together.
Conclusion – You Can Get Your Ex Back After Cheating if They See a Ray of Hope
You cheated on them, so you can throw trust factor out on the street. They don’t trust you. Period. What matters is whether or not they see a ray of hope in this relationship. What matters is whether or not they feel like they can trust you again.
Your infidelity broke their trust completely. But everyone likes to have a little bit of hope in his or her heart. And your ex isn’t any different. They still wish that all the time and energy they spent on you and your relationship is not wasted. They still wish that all this didn’t happen and you were still with them. They still hope that you could back together and they can trust you again.
Your actions broke their heart. Now that you want them back, it’s up to you to show them a ray of hope. It’s up to you to show that the pieces of the relationship can be put back together and it can be even more beautiful than before.
There is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery my repairing the area of breakage with gold, silver or platinum. This art is called Kintsugi and it’s a perfect metaphor to use for repairing your broken relationship with your ex and turning it into something even more beautiful than it was before.
Even though the trust is broken, it can still be repaired. And if you use the right ingredients to repair the trust and the issues that lead to the infidelity, your new relationship will be stronger than it ever was.
Well, for starters, you need to read the 5 Step Plan or this huge guide on getting an ex girlfriend back. Both these articles are free and will give you a step by step plan to follow.
Your act of infidelity did end your relationship. Your cheating broke your ex’s heart and shatter their trust. But you can come back from this stronger than ever if you take the right steps and rebuild the foundation of your relationship with honesty, empathy, and proper communication. You can win your ex back after cheating and keep them permanently if you follow the advice in this article and the advice in the rest of this website. Here are a few resources for you to begin.
How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan [With 7 Case Studies]
How To Win Her Back – Game Plan in 5 Stages
Should You Get Back With Your Ex – 6 Steps To Find Out
Quiz – What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Back? [Precise Answer]
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it Possible to Get an Ex Back after Cheating?
Yes, but it usually takes a lot of time and the chances of success are much lower compared to normal breakups. When trust is broken in a relationship, it’s hard to rebuild it. The more you break the trust, the harder it is to get back together.
How Long Does It Take To Get An Ex Back After Cheating?
Most couples get back together within 1-6 months of breakup. However, when infidelity is involved, it can take significantly longer. Expect it to take up to a year or more. Here’s what one of our readers, who wishes to remain anonymous, said about getting back with her ex.
We broke up because my ex cheated on me and made another girl pregnant. We were apart for 2 years. And after a 2 year breakup my ex was in touch with one of our mutual friend and ask if we could meet up and talk and since we live in different countries we met in our home country and we decided to get back together..we have been together 6months and now planning to get married soon. Our new relationship is amazing and so much better than before.
My Ex Cheated on Me, How To Get Them Back?
It sucks that you got cheated on. But before you try to get them back, you need to take some time to heal from the breakup and figure out if it’s really worth it. Read these articles to get a better perspective.
Should I Get Back With My Ex? – 7 Questions To Ask Yourself
I Miss My Ex – Why and How To Stop
I Still Love My Ex – What To Do When You Still Love an Ex After a Breakup
I had a situation where I met a new girl, fell in love fast with her than started having sexual performance anxiety and couldn't perform. She left me, and I was devastated. I got tests, Dr's appts, therapy, etc to see what was wrong. Couldn't find out why I wasn't working. So I felt like I had no choice but to go to my ex, whom I was working perfectly with, to see if it was physical, or psychological. Turns out, it was all in my head. After that, went back to my new girl and we had some of the best sex ever... Then the new girl found out later on that I messed around with my ex, and left me. Although we weren't together, she had left me at the time, so I technically didn't "cheat" on her... Now I wanna try to win her back. Should I tell her exactly why I did what I did??
Yes, you should. And then give her some space to process everything. The more honest you are, the better your chances of getting her back later on.
My ex finance cheated on me with his ex and still asked me to marry him. He lived in a different state at the time, about 4.5 hrs away from me. We got engaged then something felt off with his stories so I decided to dig deeper. I found out 3 months later about his affair with his ex. He had 2 phones that’s how I found out through his burner phone he use to lay around, he thought I didn’t know the password. He cheated for about 5 months in constant contact with his ex. Even though he spoke to me every day. The ex was trying to get him back and he allowed it.
He was in shock when I confronted him and he tried to lie a few times.. I left him, then he drove to me and blew up my phone and slept outside.
I gave him a second chance but the level of improvement is not enough for me. What does everyone think? Should this level of betrayal
Deserve a second chance?
Does not deserve a second chance unless he shows a lot of improvement, including therapy, couples therapy, and doing whatever it takes for you to trust him again.
I suggest you talk to him and tell him what it would take for you to trust him again. His reaction will tell you how serious he is about making this work.
I was with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. After a while I just wasn’t finding her as attractive as before but it was due to my addiction I’ve realized. She found messages of me telling my bestfriend that I had received nudes from another woman and that I didn’t find her as attractive anymore. Is there any chance of me saving my relationship because I truly miss her. I already started no contact and told her I would give her space and time.
Hi Ron,
There's definitely a chance. You need to be patient. If she contacts you, speak to her. Follow the advice in the above article. And to increase your chances, actively work on your addiction issues.
posted on reddit about my cheating experience. long story short, i cheated on my now ex boyfriend with another guy twice. I was going to break up with him and tell him about it, but we ended up breaking up mutually. not even 24 hours after, he found out about it. he says he needs time and space- general distance, in which i will absolutely give to him. i obviously messed up and am trying to identify exactly why i did it. I'm very young still and think that I just need to not be in a relationship right now and grow individually. He does too, of course, but it's more of me. We do truly love one another, he says he loves me and always will but needs distance unless it's an emergency. i won't contact him at all, in respect of him. do you think maybe things may work out?
I cheated on my ex by sending my nude pics to his best friend. He came to know that and now he blocked me everywhere and said never to disturb him . He hates me. What should I do. Will I ever get him back
A couple day ago I ran into my ex, we talked and and decided to go out just to catch up on things, I had no intentions with him, but when we say each other he kept talking about when we were together, I wasn't feeling good at the time and I fell for it, we messaged days later, my boyfriend saw the messages and broke up with me, we've talked little since then but he is really hurt, I don't love my ex and I want my boyfriend back,I'm a couple of months I'm leaving so I dont have much time, what should I do?
Try to give your boyfriend some space to cool off first before attempting to talk things out with him and explain your side of the situation since he may be more likely to listen to you then.
Hey,i cheated on my boyfriend on January and he found out last week....he wants to break up with me but o don't want to let that happen...i kissed my old crush at a party and apparently they knew each other...my boyfriend has been talking to me ever since he tried to break up with me and i don't want to give him space because i m afraid that he will learn to leave without me and we would never get back together
Without giving him space, it's very unlikely that he'll be able to fully forgive you and let go of what happened even if he says he does, since seeing you each time is going to simply remind him of your actions as long as he hasn't had the space to process his emotions properly.
I cheated (not really badly. Nothing physical with anyone. Just phone sex, and some chatting) and my girlfriend who lives with me found out and threatened to leave. Technically she broke up, and was very angry, but still lives with me. I've quit drinking, and started going to counseling and got us couples counseling which we've gone to one appointment so far. She's very distant, and hasn't made a decision on whether or not she's staying. How long should I wait for this? At some point, I have been punished enough. This was a minor thing, and it's been over a month. I'm tired of living in limbo, but I do love her. She's cold and distant though, and I don't want to end up being in an emotionless relationship.
Unfortunately, it isn't your call to make regarding when she should be forgiving you and how serious your mistake was. It's dependent on your partner, and if you genuinely want to win her back again, you're going to have to either be patient in making it up to her regardless of how long it takes or let go. If you end up somewhere in between, there's a good chance of you taking small steps forward but then pushing her away because you get impatient.
I was dating this girl for 2 weeks, we really connected and it was going to go a long way until I met my ex at a party where she told me she still has feelings for me which led to kissing her. I immediately told my girlfriend about this which led to us breaking up. And we took a break from contacting each other, but now we're back to talking to each other through texts. I know she misses me and she still likes me but her self esteem and pride isn't letting her give me a chance, I really want her back. I have apologised to her told her I love her. Idk what to do anymore..
Give her some time and take things slow. You only dated her for 2 weeks so you may have to be prepared to let her go, especially if she wasn't too invested with things and decides to move on.
I was with my girl for 2 1/2 years and then we got into a argument and then we broke up and in the 2nd week of the break this girl started talking to me so I got closer to that girl and then like 2 weeks later we started telling eachother personal things on Instagram and my ex logs into my Instagram and see’s the conversation we had and she got hurt by that and now it’s been 2 months since our breakup and I already told her sorry so many times and she doesn’t want me anymore what should I do? cause I want her back.
Well, what you have to understand here is that you didn't do anything wrong because technically you were no longer together with your ex at that point and it wasn't her business who you spoke to. On top of that, she did cross boundaries by acting stalkerish and going into your IG account to read your conversations. You should stop apologizing because each time you do so further amplifies the wrong message that you were indeed in the wrong. I would recommend proceeding with caution and certainty if this is really what you want, and perhaps give her more space for now to cool off.
So my ex was everything to me. I broke his trust once and he gave me the “one more time that’s it” well I lost that one more time. He said that if I wanted him back I needed to be me, authentic, real and honest. I’m not entirely sure what to do. I’ve read everything you said I’ve followed your rules and it seems like I’m getting no reaction and both seems to work. I’m in a state of panic and I’m resisting the urge to fall on my knees and beg for him. Please help.
Whatever you do, avoid begging or it'll only damage all chances you have of getting him back. Keep calm and be patient. If you've made significant changes since the breakup, it'll be a matter of time that he takes notice but you shouldn't do anything that might jeopardize that chance and push him away.
I'm 22years old this year, me and my ex had been together for 1and half year,after I went to college I found a guy whom I started seeing.. at first it felt right but my ex found out and I denied in the first place but he found vivid evidence and broke up with me.. it's almost a year now and I haven't talked to him but I'm tormented I want him back and I don't know how to start...
You could use this article for more information on reaching out to an ex again after a long time. I would advise you to take things slow and be patient, especially if he responds negatively at the start.
i kissed a boy multiple of times and my boyfriend found out, we broke up today and i dont know what to do. i love him, he's someone i trust and i hurt him. i agreed to give him space but this is hurting me too.
Unfortunately, it's a consequence you'll have to live with because of your actions. Give him some space to cool off before trying to make it up to him and see if he's willing to give things a second chance.
About a week ago me and my girlfriend got into a fight. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and I even moved to her school to keep the relationship alive. Our argument started over a simple phone where I just wanted it put away while we were eating. She then began to act really concern about the phone because it was also unlocked when I put it in my pocket to just have a meal. Things went left such as yelling and mean comments and then took my watch and saw I was talking to their girls and possibly cheated. In my room she stated that she never wanted to see me again I’m a cheating bastard(it was not the first time) and that I’m free to do whatever I please. I didn’t want that. My emotions and anger got the best of me and I ended up scaring her really bad to where now I’ve been kicked out of school, arrested, charged with misdemeanors and have a no contact order. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I don’t know if we have a chance or not. If she will move on or not. I honestly genuinely love her and feel sorry for everything that has happened but I do need a little advice. We have communication problems and trust problems on both sides. But is it wrong after all I’ve been through in one week I still see myself marrying this girl?
I think you need to give both parties more distance for now, firstly for yourself to think things through and secondly, because it has come to such an extent that she's probably scared of you right now and possibly feeling traumatized. Give it time to cool off and work towards calming yourself down emotionally by applying NC for a month before you consider reaching out again.
Hello, I have this girlfriend I cheated on emotionally telling others my problems instead of her never going to her for any help when I was dealing with things as she often did to me. But I had a bad habit of going online and sexting women that I had gotten over. After being caught the first time I had already stopped every and all forms of sexual contact with anyone but her. I talked to some of the people as friends and she went through all the messages and found a bunch of drunken texts I made no effort to hide. She was devasted. I had even forgotten but the more and more it was shoved down my throat the more I remembered. I'm already not that person anymore but she doesn't believe me. We got back together and she found another one from way back after reinstalling an app I had used. I thought I got rid of it all. I can't keep telling her I've changed when this is so fresh in her head. 7months with this girl. Had I come clean about the number there wouldn't be a chance in hell I believe.. but I stopped because I realized I love her why would I be doing this when she's the only one? Out of habit? Because I like the anonymous dirty talk I didn't think I could engage in with her? I admit I did like it. But I stopped. I knew if she had found out it'd be really hard to come back from. I was a pig. I was a monster. I don't deserve her. But we both love each other more than anything. Even though she says she doesn't anymore I know it's not true by the pain in her voice. What can I do? What can I say to win back the only girl I've ever felt close to?
These things usually takes time to build up since trust is not easily earned. You'll have to show her through consistent efforts and sincerity over a prolonged period (most probably) in order to convince her that you've changed. There isn't much you can do specifically other than hope she comes around eventually and sees your current efforts instead of past actions.
6 months back I called it quits with my boyfriend of 3 years because it was a super long distance relationship (different continents xD) and I felt it didn't attract me much, any further. Inexperienced as I was, before I could let myself move on or heal, I jumped to the next prospect of relationship with this guy I was severely infatuated with. He is a classmate of mine and I ended up telling him a yes when he proposed. However my ex(long distant relationship bf) had already wanted to pay me a visit and I did want to wait with the relationship but I was greedy and the new guy didn't seem to have a problem either. Like I asked him lot many times if he could take me visiting my ex or if he'd be fine by me gone for a while n at the same time I had assured nothing intimate would spark because that is exactly why I had called quits with my ex, because the attraction had just faded. However 3 days into my ex's arrival we got drunk and had sex. The same day I told him what and he lashed out for betrayal n left.
However two days after he forgave me, established a physically intimate relationship with me and continued to show me hope for 2 Months. We did fight regularly ..But nothing lasted longer than a day.
Until suddenly last week he called it quits while I was begging him, he blocked me. Now I see him in person at class and starts to resume whatever the usual stuff we do while saying that we are not together. I understand he's angry but I don't understand wtf is his plan now. Or if he has a plan at all.
Now do u still recommend me to get the advanced plan?
Right now, I don't think there's a specific plan in mind per say except deal with the breakup which resulted in him going back to how he was before the relationship. He knows that he can't avoid you in class so there's no point acting weird but he is still upset and isn't willing to talk to you privately. If you want to win him back, you're going to have to give him some space and consider working on your emotions before you try properly reaching out again. The EBP Advanced System would help you work on addressing these issues, to provide you with guidelines on how to best win him back, and how to ensure it lasts, along with the Advanced Healing Worksheets to gauge your progress.
I’m 20 and she’s 18. I cheated on my girlfriend about a month ago, we were only together for 1 month officially but we were dating for about 3. The girl I slept with was a girl she really disliked but I was very drunk and I know that is not an excuse, she didn’t find out through me which made matters worse. She wouldn’t talk to me for the last 2 weeks and would only get in touch with me to say meanful things. This week I sent her some flowers and she agreed to talk to me, after this conversation we were both able to let our feelings out and when I got home I sent her a text asking if we could be at least civil again and she agreed that this is the right approach too and she even laughed at one of my jokes in my messages but I still have a while to go to regain her trust and prove that I’ve changed. Now that we are okay I feel this is a good time to give her space to focus on the good rather than the bad, how long should I wait till I make contact again? Do you think it’s possible that I can get her back? What do you recommend I should do next? Thank you.
It sounds possible that she may eventually forgive you and let go of the incident, but you're going to have to work at gaining her trust again. Since the last contact initiated was positive, perhaps wait a couple of days before reaching out again with a light-hearted topic or even a sweet gesture.
I've never cheated on my boyfriend until 3months back. We've been together for 2 and half years. I wanted to confess to him but I didn't know where to start from. Finally, he found out 3months back and was expecting me to confess, but I didn't. He broke up with me yesterday. I begged and Cried and told him to reconsider, but he refused. He said many harsh words to me. I feel terrible, I also considered sucide. I'm broken down everyday. He said we can be friends but will never date. What should i do?
The breakup had only just happened so he would definitely still be feeling upset or angry at you right now. I suggest giving him some space first to cool off while you also focus on getting yourself to an emotionally stable place first before reaching out again. Start off as friends first and slowly work your way up from there.
I am 18 years old and ive been on and off with this guy who is 20. We have known eachother for 4 years but did not start dating until 2017. I had a boyfriend previously for 2 years in high school that i thought I was in love with i ended up cheating on him. I went with the guy i cheated on him with which is the one im speaking of now. I ended up cheating on the guy I have now with my ex and I never told him and it continued several times. My boyfriend found oit and we broke up in February 2018. I begged him that i wouldnt do it again and within a month we started talking again but did not get back togetger officially. In between that time I have still been talking with and seeing my sex and cheating. Now ive told my boyfriend the whole truth and he barely told me ever since I cheated on him the first time he has been cheating on me as well. I thought now that we have told eachother everything we can start over and i keep trying and begging but he keeps saying hes not ready and wants to go out and be free. What do i do to get him back? Please help i love him and we have been through so much.
If both parties found out that the other has been cheating this whole time with someone else, don't you think there wouldn't be any trust or inclination to get back into such a toxic relationship, at least for the time being? I would suggest taking some time apart to let both parties breathe a little and time to let go of everything that has happened. Simply work on your emotions and make positive self-improvements for now, and if you really want to win him back, you're going to have to stop letting your impulsions take charge and sleep around with other people, especially if you start talking to him again.
My ex is my colleague - we work together for a Client. I have cheated on him by being flirty with another colleague which at the time i had no idea about the seriousness of the situation. I was not aware, and simply stupid. We've been together for around six months and broke up on Saturday (yesterday). He told me does not ever want to see me or talk to me or have anything to do with me bc im a ho. He even said he won't be able to work together anymore so he's going to quit the job. Mind you - we were sitting next to a fire place with about six other people and the problem was that i was sitting next to a guy too close - and I sat in his lap - which I do not remember but could've happened.
I don't know what to do. It's impossible not to meet him. I'm taking some days off and trying to stay at home office for the next two weeks. Do you think that two weeks of not seeing each other will help at all? What should I do? I love him, I was not taking this whole thing serious enough since we've been hiding our relationship at work - because for obvious reasons company protocol doesn't allow it.
Please help
Give that two weeks of space first before going back to work and trying to slowly reach out to mend things. He might not be very receptive at the start but you’ll have to be patient in trying to get him to forgive you and move past this.
Hi
I cheated on my ex of 7 years with another girl I met on tinder . I honestly regret it everyday I slept with this other girl twice and she some how found my gf and told her the situation. I do love my ex but the physical cheating wasn't about me being with someone forever was just we lacked sexual connection in our relationship. We have been broken up for 2 months and I have seen girls but still have that empty space inside that misses her. I do want her back and make things work but i dont know what to do? I'm at the point where dating a few girls is annoying me because I just miss my ex to much and cant commit to anyone.
Perhaps stop dating other girls in the meantime so as to not further implicate your reputation with your ex, and try reaching out to see if she's receptive towards you or not. If she hasn't forgiven you yet and is still negative towards you, give her some more space, before trying to make it up to her.
i have a difficult situation. we have been broken up for almost 5 months and i cant stop thinking about her. thing is, i NEVER cheated on her physically. i may have flirted harmlessly but nothing further. my ex before her was able to contact her via social media and put all kinds of things in her head! sad thing is in my ex's mind, i cheated but, she wont believe me. we been together for a little over 2 years. she hasnt tried to reach out to me however, she hasnt blocked me me and several of our pics from vacations are still poted up on her fb. i REALLY REALLY REALLY want her back and im willing to do serious damage control🙏🏽
Start by slowly reaching out and seeing how she responds to you. You can still use these steps to guide you on how to contact her.
I cheated on my ex about 8 months ago. I did love him a lot but it happen in the moment. I acted very desperate and needy after the breakup. I had many people call me names including my ex. But I think he was just angry. After 2 weeks he did contact me but I didnt give an answer. I also dated the guy I cheated on my ex with (we broke up in 2 weeks) And my ex knew about it. Its been 7 months since I have contacted the guy I cheated on. I always missed and thought about him. But never contacted him because I was afraid to face him.
Now I feel I have built myself and can defend myself. I feel like my ex was the one for me. But I am no longer desperate for him. I would be okay with his rejection. I have followed the no contact rule for 7 months and I have made myself better as an individual. I really want to give it a try.
Should I?
And if so, What do I text him?
Pls Help!
You can start by slowly reaching out as a friend, and depending on how he responds, you act accordingly. He will definitely be distrusting at the start, but you're going to simply prove to him that you can regain his trust and not get impatient if his reactions are not what you expect at times. However, don't let him use this as permanent ammunition to simply have his way as he eventually HAS to forgive you if either of you want to move past this.
So me and my ex have been together for 6 months but we’re talking for like almost 10 months before he asked me out and during the 5 month I cheated on him it wasn’t my intention I tried pulling back but he kept kissing up on me and I couldn’t help it so it happen my partner never knew but we broke up recently cuz so much was going on just needed space and we didn’t love each other like before well he didn’t Bc he said I changed and i wasn’t the same and I didn’t show him I loved him anymore and I kinda would just get annoyed but I did love him but since we hardly seen each other it was hard and harder each day that pass by and it’s been almost a month we broke up and I realize a lot there’s no another guy that compares to him he’s special and good to me I can’t bare to lose him after everything we been thru like I feel like I honestly do love him and he changed me into a better person and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be doing this good. I want him back but idk how he feels towards me and he doesn’t know about what happen 2 months ago
You can ask him how he feels about you, and I think you should be honest if you want to start anew with him, even if it jeopardizes your chances or his decision. Ultimately, it beats starting the relationship with a lie, and if he finds out later on, it'll risk the relationship all over again.
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. When I initially met him, my then friend, who introduced us told him I was single but I wasn’t exactly single, I had just come out of a relationship and was trying to work things out. I decided to go with the flow that I was single and didn’t have any baggage. 6 months down the line he finds out I lied and that me and my ex had been hanging out. That really broke him because I was his first real relationship. From then on, he started to change gradually, was giving girls more audience and didn’t trust me anymore. We tried to fix the relationship but we always just go back and forth from one third party to another. So basically he started cheating, then I would cheat, then he would cheat, but we have always loved each other very much but not knowing how to fix the trust. It’s been 7 years now and we are still going back and forth, he’s constantly reminding me of everything I’ve done to hurt him, he has the hardest time letting things go and says that he cannot be with me because I’ve never respected him like he’s my man but I do my best and go out of my way to try to make him feel at his best but it seems to not suffice. Now he’s currently talking to a new girl and I am at the point where I’m ready to stop playing games and just want to fix everything and forgive him, hoping he’ll do the same but he’s saying it’s too late and just wants to be friends, I want more but I don’t know how to go about it, nothing I say or do seems to work, I have been trying to convince him for a whole year now.I am currently just trying to give him space(been 3days now) but I don’t intend to reach out anymore, because I feel pushed away But I miss and love him so much and I know he loves me too. Do I keep trying or just give up? Is there anything I can do to get him back?
Under these circumstances and given the amount of damage that has been done to both parties over the years, it might be a better idea as you've mentioned to give each other some space while you focus on learning how to love yourself and respect your own needs first. Give it some time, before reaching out again, and this time around, start things slow while communicating effectively to rebuild that trust for each other.
Okay, I’ll try that. Thank you
Hi I cheated on my ex last summer. And I asked for another chance like months later but he had a girlfriend. Eventually they broke up. During the school year while we weren’t together we made out a lot. The after graduating from high school this year, he had another girlfriend. He invited me over his house to hang out and to you know mess around and make out again, and I went. But we didn’t talk a week after that. Even though it’s been a whole year , I still want him back. Do I have a Chance sense he made out with me after having a girlfriend
It's best not to get your hopes up when your ex reverts to you for intimacy but is cheating on his girlfriend in the process, because there could be a variety of reasons for turning to you. It's best right now to perhaps wait for the relationship with his girlfriend to end, before reaching out and having an honest conversation with him about your feelings, rather than forcing your way into the relationship to win him back.
Hi, I don't understand why my ex boyfriend still wants us to be friends after I cheated on him (which I already apologise) and I asked him if there will still be a chance that we'll get back together and he clearly says that "there is no chance". He replies politely when I message him but never contacts me first (I have not use no contact rule). He said that it's okay with him if I texted him and he's also okay if I won't. He also says that he still finds the reason to come back but he believes that he can maybe see it with another girl. I don't really understand what he wants and really mean. I also clearly told him that I realize how much I love him and that I really want to get back together. Should I use no contact rule? I am scared that if I use no contact rule he will misunderstand it,he might think that I am not really sincere that I want to get back together.
Give him some space for now to let go of the negative emotions he has towards you before trying to win him back again. Avoid pressuring him now, because even if you do convince him to give you a second shot, there's a good chance that he hasn't fully forgiven you or trusts you, which may cause problems further into the relationship.
Hi,
Me and my girlfriend have broken up recently as she found out that I was messaging a girl at work in a flirtatious way, I never had any attraction to this girl at all and only messaged her this way in fear of being alone; always being scared that my girlfriend would leave me and now she has. I also cheated on her again before that when I met with a girl who gave me a lift and proceeded to kiss me although I did push her away and told my girlfriend straight away and she forgave me. Throughout the relationship I never gave her the attention or effort that she wanted no matter how many times she told me I was never mature enough to change. Once she left me I realised everything that I could be doing to make it better but she’s telling me it is too late, although we did break up about a week ago and she states that she doesn’t want to be with someone that has ruined her trust like I have but she still loves me. This is a person that I have never had such a special connection to, she always loved me no matter how much of an idiot I was and stayed by me but it all became too much for her. I want to get her back so badly as I regret all these terrible decisions by putting my own selfish view in front of her feelings. I don’t know what to do, I want to give her space and time but when I do she messages me stating that she is upset I didn’t message her and when I do message her she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Give her some space and go into No Contact for now to let her cool off first, before reaching out again.
Hi, me and my ex had been together for 3 years and we started out with a good relationship like most do. As we got further on in our relationship i found out he was talking to multiple girls everyday but mainly a girl he use to date in the past. So after that our relationship went downhill because i lost trust. He lives up north and i live in TX and i only get to see him once or twice a year. After finding out about all the girls he was talking to i decided to do the same, and one night i got drunk and slept with a guy and we started doing that weekly. Well i ended up getting pregnant and after my bf found out he told me that he would still act the same and be my sons dad. After that day he doesnt act the same and talks to me every other day but says he doesnt want to be with me no more because i betrayed him and that im not important to him and he doesny miss me but yet he still loves me. He is very hard headed and will not listen if its not his way. Do i still have a chance?
It depends on the relationship you guys had shared, and whether you think he could ever forgive you for whatever had happened. There's a possibility in which he doesn't forgive you and you might have to mentally prepare to consider walking away, especially since you are pregnant with someone else's child.
I cheated on my bf(Slept with someone) and one of my friend told him everything.He broke up with me. I love him and I want him back. I know he also feels for me and he tried his best to continue again with our relationship .But again after few days he became cold hearted.He has blocked me but calls me sometimes and asks me why I betrayed him. I am feeling very low. I want your help. I want to mend everything.I know he still loves me but problem is that he is not able to forget about the incident.
You're going to have to give him time to let go of the incident. Not many people would be willing to move past this immediately (with reason), and it'll take time plus effort in order to win him back.
Hi,
Me and my ex boyfriend broke up 6 months ago. He found out i was talking to my former ex boyfriend while searching my phone while i was away. In the messages it reveals me and my former ex have seen eachother once, and had a kiss. I completely broke his trust. This kiss between me and my former ex was at the beginning of my relationship. I dont know why i did it but i feel so guilty.
My ex found out after 5 months. After finding out, we decided to stick together. While i thought he forgave me, and starting to feel like it had no further effects on our relationship, he suddenly starts to change 4 months later. He became distant and emotionless towards me, but he didn’t told me what was wrong. After a month he finally said to me:” i’m sorry but i still can’t trust you. I tried but i can’t. Everytime you go out with your friends i am thinking of you secretly meeting up with your former ex boyfriend. Also i’ll never know if it was just a kiss, or something more happened. I’m sorry but i have to break up with you’’
I was so heartbroken. Over the time i was really falling in love with him more and more each day.
I begged him to take me back and said i was sorry so many times.. We agreed to stay friends after the breakup, and we are still occasionally seeing eachother and being intimate. But i feel like i pushed him away by begging him to try and be with me..
Now i feel like i can’t get over him, and it was so stupid to ‘remain friends’. He doesn’t contact me that much, and he isn’t as sweet to me as he was before. I still feel some sort of distance. Also i feel like sometimes it’s really one-sided and he doesn’t really want to be friends or get back together at all. But when i don’t contact him for one week, he contacts me with a little message like: ‘hey you’. It’s such a mindfuck for me..
Maybe it’s because we hadn’t had our space after the breakup, to even recandle things later on. I really don’t want to lose him, and i really just want to get back together eventually..
Is it too late to fix this? Is he even still interested at all? And if so, what should i do? Please help..
Judging by the fact that he still texts you after not contacting him for a week, it goes to show that he still cares about you in some capacity. Perhaps giving both parties the space to deal with the breakup right now would be good, so that you're at least able to try and re-candle things anew when the time comes instead of him being in a position where he still is reminded of his distrust towards you.
Back in November, I cheated on my boyfriend because I lost that love from him. It was like we were living 2 seperate lives but lived together. Me cheating was a spur of the moment thing. We got into an argument and i got kicked out of my house. Got stupid drunk and never went back home. I told him I slept at my friends house but i got a hotel room instead. He found out in February from the guy I cheated on him with. Ever since that, we have been broken up. Just the other night, he called me drunk and poured his heart out to me saying he still loves me, cares about me and misses what we had but cant give me a 2nd chance. He said “Kellie the guy ur in love with(me) has a code and morals that make me who I am and I knew my cheating code and even tho it was a mistake and ur sorry taking u back or giving u a chance would not b me being the guy u fell in love with.” Why would he pour his heart out to me and tell me he still loves me and doesnt want me to move to North Carolina but doesnt want to try and work on the relationship? I think about him all the time and I miss what we had. Is there a way to get him back and have him trust me again? I now know the feeling of breaking someones heart and i hate it. I never want to do that again
It really depends on how strong he holds his morals because if he genuinely loves you but values his morals more, nothing you say or do would change his mind in giving things a second shot.
Hi,
I don't know how to start this but I really messed up. We're 2 yrs and 6months in a relationship with my ex when I cheated on him with my workmate. We are texting and chatting with my workmate while without me knowing that my boyfriend is reading them, I deleted all our conversations and sadly he did not read the part where I said to my workmate to stop because I love my boyfriend so much. My workmate tries to court me but i am not really into him. Still that will not change the fact that I cheated on him and tries to hide it from him. I see how hurt he was. It really hurts me seeing him so much in pain because of me. I beg him to give me a second chance and he got really mad and I realize that I was being too selfish that time. I don't want to lose him and I want to wait for him. I want to ask for help how I can gain back his trust?
First give him some space and let him cool off, before trying to reach out and let him know the entire situation. If measures require you to do so, perhaps even attempt to retrace your old messages to show him that you were trying to cut things off.
Hey kevin
Please dont judge me.. So me and my ex wife seperated in april because she found out through my sister that i had seen somone in jan. And she didnt find out til april that same day she left and went to live with her parents . We have been seperated til now, she tells me she never wants to be with me and does not feel anything for me any more regardless we still talked after the seperation and hung out but we even went out of country in May because trip was planned ahead of time talked had sex a few time came back home and everything went bacj to normal.her parents wanted us to try one more time but she said she doesnt want to get back with me yet she didnt want to lose me because a was a big part of her life. She then started telling me shes been talking to someone and shes really getting into them they show they care for her and he opened up to her and shes feeling like she needs to open up to him as well because of how open he is to her he even calls himself her pretend bf.. So she told me we shouldnt see each other no more because she doesnt want to hurt him by talking to me or seeing me because he is a nice guy..(back story.. Through out the 5years together i did cheat on her 6x i know i fucked up i know i know she was really in love with me i had never had ANYONE love me sooo much like she did and now i regeret everything!! I regret beeaking her trust she took me back all those times and now its done i dont blame her i blame myself for my actions.) I really love her and i know i can change i did cry and beg her a few time. Just last week we were tickling each other and play fighting and she even laid on my chest(which felt so amazing wish time would have stopped forever then)but now shes doeant want me seeing her no more cuz she really wants to give this guy a chance he even told her he wants something serious with her...i need help i really do love her and want a future with her we planned alot together... But now thats just memories...what should i do..
Perhaps it would be best to give her some space for now and let her do what she wants because even if she gets back together with you at this point, she may not have fully let go of the times you've hurt her and this may come back and haunt your relationship later on. A fresh start would be needed and this would be a good time to actually go about and make positive changes in your life. At least by doing so, you give her more of a reason to come back when she feels a little more convinced that you've changed.
So i have stopped contact with her last wednesday and shes told me shes really into the new guy and told me how attractive he is and he shows he cares for her. She really wants a divorce to change her name and well yea.. What are my chances if there even is a chance ? Ive been writing in my journal, exercising and hanginhmg with friends to try to get my mind of her not being next to me.
Thanks for the response kevin.
It's good to remain positive during this time, and to pick yourself up from the breakup. Given what has happened, if she is adamant about going through with the divorce, there isn't much you can do about it right now unfortunately. There's still always a chance, just a matter of how high/low they are, and whether you're patient enough to pull through, because sometimes it can take years and both parties going through their own phases in life separately before reconciliation happens.
Dang well i learned my lesson the hard way so should i still keep the NC going ? Its only a matter of time before i get surved thedivorce papers. I just dont get how 2 weeks ago we were play fighting and tickling each other at her job to her suddenly saying we should stop seeing each other because i dont want to hurt the other guy(even though she isnt dating him) but i did stop talking to her 2 days before the tickling and seeing each other.
Thanks Ryan for replying means alot !
Well, just as how things may progress on your end with her, there will also be things that probably happened on her end with the other guy that probably made her think a little more to make that decision. Keep NC going on if you're looking to win her back eventually, but it becomes too difficult and emotionally painful, the easier way would be to let go of things.
I cheated on my gf of 1 year because of lack of attention, and a second time because obsession with moving to another state that I wasn’t ready to move to. I never had sex with the girl, we just talked about having sex. My ex girlfriend says she doesn’t want to get back together but her actions show different. What should I do?
You could try making an attempt to make things up to her, and see if she forgives you over time.
I'm looking to forgive someone who cheated on me by technicality by the end of our relationship. I'm interested in knowing more about why the cheater shouldn't speak with the one they cheated with and how or if I should ask/demand it.
It could be a variety of reasons, but often its because of guilt that the other party won't speak to the person they cheated on. This would be different for everyone, but personally, I'm not in favor of going back voluntarily into a cheating relationship unless the other person attempts to make up for their actions first because this advocates the wrong mindset, and they end up thinking that their actions were acceptable since you ended up going back to them and forgiving them without them even trying.
OK need some help on what to do. I've been together with my girlfriend for 6 years, for the last year I struggled with an addiction problem which led to me cheating on her(Not an excuse but I was high when it happened). We stayed together for about 8 months until my addiction problem got out a hand and our relationship turned toxic. We decided that we needed to break up a month ago and get some space. Seeing as how I had an addiction problem I travled across the world to live with my Mom for the past month to get my head straight and to really think about what i have done and how I'm going to fix this. For the past 3 weeks we have been talking somewhat regularly throughout the day but now she will maybe respond to one message out of the 4ish I send her a day. I know she's reading the messages because messenger tells me that she's seen them she's just not responding. What do I do? Do I start the No contact? This woman means the world to me and I don't want to lose her. She the best thing that's ever happened to me. Any advice helps because I don't know what to do.
You probably have to go into NC for now, since continuously messaging her despite her not replying may lead to her pushing you away and even potentially blocking you off if she feels irritated.
I cheated on my boyfriend (ex) with his best friend while he was asleep right next to us but I felt pressured into doing the stuff with his best friend who was my best friends boyfriend I told my best friend what happened then shortly after my boyfriend (ex) he said he felt something special that were gonna be together forever and I think I broke his heart we’ve been talking as friends after like 2 week of no contact and he’s mentioned sometimes he misses me or that I cross his mind I asked if I could get a second chance and he said ‘idk yet’ I don’t know what to do now please help
Give him space to process what happened, if he decides to forgive you, make and conscious attempt to make it to him for cheating on his best friend.
I cheated on my wife twice and she stayed or took me back each time, the third time I cheated she packed her things and left, now she’s got her own place that she’ll be moving into, I did all the begging etc and seeing that no contact is the next step, I need a specific plan to help me get her back, I’ve read each article related to me in its entirety so far so am serious about getting her back, keeping her forever and starting a new relationship. I need help as to how to assess myself and then start back on the road to recovery.
If you need step-by-step help on recovery and guidelines beyond our articles, perhaps consider our personal coaching or recovery products found here.
I cheated on my gf of 7 months because of the lack of attention she gave me. Ig i was too clingy and obsessive. I told her everything and was completely honest with her during that period of time. I flirted with an ex (no pics were exchanged, nor did we have any sexual contact no sexting nuin) we more or less just talked about how beautiful/sexy we were and stuff like that. After I told her all that she didn't believe me so i sent her some screenshots but she still didn't believe me so i gave her some space. I messaged her a couple days after to find out if she'd like to work it out or end it. She ended it obviously and I was heartbroken as hell, sleepless nights, no appetite. Depression kicked in like a bitch. We eventually started talking again agreeing to be friends but she unadded me and all my friends so i wouldn't be able to contact her. I tried messaging her but that was a waste so i waited and she added me back and told me she moved on which hurts like a mf but i sucked it up and acted happy for her. I recently started being a needy ex and begging her to take me back but then my friend recommend me this sight and reading this i realised what i was doing was only pushing her away from me more so I started No contact 5 days ago and I enjoy working, building and focusing on myself and my ways. Just wanted to say Thanks and I'll update u guys in the future God's willing and peeps, cheating is so low and pointless. If you ever feel like cheating just think about how you'd feel if someone did that to you.
I cheated on my bf of a year and 3 months on a school trip. we had done long distance for almost 6 months and both of us had hard years (a lot of change going on). i told him immediately and we broke up two months ago but i just started the no contact rule 15 days ago when i got home (up until then, we had talked 24/7 as if nothing had happened). we hung out once and a lot of anger i think was released by seeing me, and he just randomly texted me saying he doesn't love me anymore, etc, and refusing to talk to me about it or put in effort to end civilly. i blocked him on a majority of social media so i wouldn't "obsess" and i seem to be doing fine/realized why i did it, etc. but i guess i have that "want what i can't have" attitude and now that we're not in contact, i feel like he is out having so much fun, meeting girls (i kind of suspect a rebound girl), and i just feel like he actually doesn't care about me at all. i guess those little reminders of him having fun make me sad, and then that makes me sad because he's not ahaha. any advice?
Avoid thinking about him, and focus on yourself for the period of NC. Do things to distract yourself equally and spend the time improving as a person so that if the opportunity arises in the future and your paths cross, he is reminded of you in a positive manner and may think about wanting to get back together.
Hi me and my girlfriend have been together a year and a half she moved 200 miles away 6 months into the relationship, I cheated on her a few months ago and she confronted me about it, she’d been told by a few people that just guessed I had, so she went digging and asked the girl I cheated with and she admitted it to her. She hasn’t broken up with me yet she has just said she needs space and time to think about everything, and decide. What do I do to make it up to her?
Apologize first and give her some space. After that, you're probably going to have to make it up to her through your actions and try to get her to forgive you but you'll also have to mentally prepare to accept whatever happens since its a consequence resulting from your actions.
I need your help, i was in a relationship with my ex for almost a year. But before him i was with the father of my kids, he was a man that cheated on me and would beat me. After i left him about a year later i met my last ex , we were together for almost a year and now im pregnant by him, but throughout the whole relationship i fucked up. I thought his love for me was just a joke, like he’d never really love me so i played games, ive really hurt him not once , not twice but many many times. He still stuck around and i was still blind enough not to see his love for me and my kids was real. We had gotten into an argument and i started having a conversation with a guy i have tatted on my arm and i made a comment saying “ yes hes always bitching about me having your name tatted lol “ and he saw that and he said i was making fun of him. He fogave me , but a few months ago i seen he had texted his ex girlfriend 2 days in a row about her giving him head , and taking her out to eat or the movies.. he lied to me and told me it was his friend who did that and weeks later i came to find out that it was actually him but he swears that nothing happened. Of course i dont believe it , but i forgave him because we are having a baby together. A few days ago he found a picture of a penis my ex had sent me, i didnt know i had it, it was in my google drive. So he got really mad about it and now says hes done with me for good. I really love this man and i was so blind to see his love for me in the beginning but i know his love for me is real and i dont want to loose him. I know at this point we’ve both lost our trust but anything i can do for us to work out again 😞
Give him some space for now to cool off, and perhaps try reaching out to him after at a slow and easy pace to see how he responds.
I did the biggest mistake that i could ever done! Me and my boyfriend where together for almost a year and i love him endlessly. And he has always talked about having a 3:some just for fun. Well i was really against it but i didnt wanna seem like a chicken and a girl that doesnt risk. So one night me, my boyfriend (ex) and his best friend hot drunk. And then my boyfriend said that he wanna have the 3:some with all of us. In my brain i knew how bad it will turn out but i could insist. His best friend and i both said that he was out of his mind but he disnt stop beging us. As i said we were all drunk and nobody was thinking straight. After i went to the toilet and returned to the room i heard them say: do as i said, you take her from the front (bj) and i take her from the back. I fell usless and cluless. The next thing i remember is that i gave bj to his best friend. I teied to flush down my thought and regrets with more alckohol but it didnt help. My bf (ex) ran out and told everyone that i cheated on him. Even tho it was his idea. It has been now 4 days since we broke up. And i cant stand the fact that i lost him. I love him more then anything. And i messed up. I could just say nom why disnt I do that. Can someone help me, what should i do?
A boyfriend like that may not be someone worth having around, so you should seriously consider that. This borders on emotional trauma because he basically 'made' you perform acts on his best friend, claiming he wanted a threesome, and then turned around to say you cheated on him. In the future, you should be firm on your beliefs and not let wanting to impress your partner sway them so easily. If he loves you for who you are, he would respect your boundaries and not constantly try to persuade you to do things you don't want to.
My girlfriend's friend and her friend's roommate kisses me. I told them not to do this I am in a relationship. Then I told all this to my girlfriend. But then those girls put sexual ligation on me, which are not true. And now my girlfriend don't trust me. I confessed everything, the truth. But nothing is working. Its being 1 month now after breakup. Both those girls are happily living and my girlfriend is also too happy after the breakup. But I am not. I love her. I told her I loved her so much and those ligation are wrong. I deserve a chance to prove myself that I am not that type of a guy. But she is not listening and hate me like hell.
There could have been an ulterior motive for them making advances on you and then turning around later on to twist the story. If these are the friends your ex is close with, bear in mind that even if you win her back, you'll still have to face them and risk running into more issues down the road.
Then what shoud I do..??
Hey guys, I really messed up with the love of my life. We started dating during my senior year of high school. I loved this girl to death and everything was so good. She wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and I really pushed for us to have sex, but if I was to go back in time I would've never rushed her because it truly became the downfall of our relationship. I ended up going to university and then almost had sex with another girl but I told her to leave but we still kissed. I did not want to hurt my girl who was back at home and I started to go into a depression. Many months later I told her and she was happy I told her but suspicious of the fact that I told her later on. Then she saw our text messages while I was asleep which were also bad. Now a month ago we got into a huge argument and everything ended and she told me its over and it was the last straw. Anything I can do to get her back? She ignored my long texts and emails. I just initiated NC and she looks so sad whenever I see her on campus and I really just want to fix everything.
Give her some space to cool off and to let go of the negative emotions she may be feeling towards you, before attempting to contact her again to apologize and follow the guidelines found within this article. Alternatively, you could refer to this article on what to do after no contact has ended.
So I cheated on my gf (kissed another girl) but I couldn’t bring my self to tell her. I waited 2 months and couldn’t do it still. I then decided to break up with her. She kept asking why and I finally caved and told her I cheated. She said if we talked it out before it woulda been better but now we broke up. We text every day still but she gets angry at little things and isn’t the same. I was really needy and she felt I was pushing for a decision too fast so I’m trying to not do that now. She said she wanted to work with me to fix things but I just can’t get her to hang out with me. I just started the no talking period today but I’m not sure what I should do after a week of not talking or if I should do the no talking period.
You should start with no contact properly and give her some space for the time being. Remember that she has to process and deal with the emotions that you cheated on her, which may not be easy. Since she has expressed her interest in working things out, let her process on her own pace and when she's ready, she will probably contact you again.
Hey guys,
So I was in a relationship with my girl and it was REAL. Like we spent the best part of two years together and I felt a real connection with her. We had so much in common and were planning a future together, although with no hard plans like plane tickets etc. We stayed together when she went to Uni but this is when I messed up and cheated on her with my ex. I'll explain the circumstances but I'm not trying to make excuses for myself or actions. Basically, my ex and I had a history but I was completely emotionally over her at this point and it was a momentary mistake of lust at the point. I felt like I needed human contact at that point and I missed my girl when she was at uni so much. Anyway, I came to the conclusion at that point that I should never tell her that it happened because I knew it wouldn't happen again and if I did tell her it would ruin our chances of a passionate and loving relationship. This was selfish of me but I thought it would be for the greater good in terms of our relationship.
Fast forward year and a bit of amazing and happy relationship although some of it was long distance to the new years 2018 and I'm at a party with her and I see my ex there and there's some confrontation. The next morning she reveals to me something else that she wasn't supposed to find out about that I told her the night before when we were intoxicated. She goes back to uni then breaks up with me the next day. I couldn't handle it and I thought since we were now broken up she deserved to know the truth (like she did all along) so I messaged her about it and told her outright what happened when it happened and how it happened and the circumstances.
Fast forward to now, she has called me a few times and messaged me a few times late at night when she was drunk and or depressed and I felt horrible because I was her first boyfriend and first time, so naturally, I responded because she seemed to be in a really bad place without me. We chose that meeting up at Easter was a good idea. This is until our most recent Skype call where she talked to me saying that she effectively thought that I 100% for certain wanted to get back together with her at Easter (which I definitely do without a doubt when we're both ready) so I told her that I don't know if I'll be ready to get back with her at that point in my life i.e. not sure if my personal improvement had reached the necessary point where I could see her taking me back and it lasting. She took it the wrong way because she thought it was me not wanting her back in spite of everything I'd done to her. She now has me blocked on a large amount of social media and I deleted her phone number because of the NC period. What is my best course of action now? Do I try to meet up with her to try and remain friends at Easter? Should I leave it be for a few months and hope she doesn't get a boyfriend in the meantime? I have also been writing her letters to let her know how much I think of her but without bothering her with constant notifications and messages. Is it a good idea to give these to her in person along with her possessions or maybe just mail them to her? What do you think is the best course of action here. She truly is very special to me in spite of everything that's happened and I want nothing more than to have her back in my life and for her to be happy above all else. She is at a university a long way away from mine and I'm scared that if we did get back together then it would fail straight away because of the stress of a long distance relationship. Could you please give me some insight?
Under these circumstances, it may be a good idea to give her some space to process and let go of the anger she possibly feels towards you. Follow the guidelines of our 5-step plan with regards to giving her space and what to do afterwards.
Hi. I was in a relationship for 1 year and 1 month before my ex broke up with me because he didn't trust me cuse I had friends who were guys and he thought I was talking to another guy at the same time I was dating him. Btw I wasn't talking to another guy in a romantic way. The friends who were guys are strictly friends and nothing more. We've started talking again a bit, he told me that he doesn't trust me now and that he needs time to forget and it'll be perfect then. I've changed my friend group so now I only have friends who are girls and the only guy I'm talking to is him. I don't want to lose him, I want him to be mine again. Also I said that I'll be happy and positive around him so that he'll start trusting me again and that everything will be perfect.
I'm really lost and I really need your advice on how I could increase the chances of him starting to trust me again. And yes I've done the stupid part of being an emotional wreck and begged him. Btw he lives in Sweden and I live in Finland so it was and will be long distance for a bit more than a year before we could be close to eachother.
I just need help of earning his trust back and I don't really now what actions I could do to get him to trust me again.
Please help me!!
Start by building up a friendship first, since you're talking to him and trust is earned over time, so you'll have to show him that you're no longer talking to other guys through your actions (when you're out with your girls let him know who you're with, etc) instead of just telling him.
Hey.I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago .He thinks I was cheating on him by going to the beach with my church mate,before this,he had learned that I was conducting my ex whom we have never met for last seven years. I love him.In the first two weeks of the breakup Ibegged for reconciliation,but he claimed to have already moved on.I have been in the no contact period,but noticed that he still checks my WhatsApp status and even comments.I love him,but I don't want to look desperate by running after him. What do I do?
Continue with your life and perhaps give it another 1-2 weeks before initiating contact with him to check in with him and how he's doing.
I have a relationship for 3 years and engaged before he studying in Sydney. At that time when he in Sydney, i cheated on him because i feel lonely and he knew it. So we broke up and i stay in relationship with the one that i cheated with. After a few months, i regret my decision for choosing him over my ex. So i broke up with him, and trying to contact my ex. Now my ex is back to Indonesia on holidays for 3 months. I contact him ask for meet up, he agreed and we have two greats night together with cuddling, kissing, and sex. He said he get carried away with his feeling for me. After the second night, he turn cold to me. Asking me to stop contacting him, and he said we have no future because his family doesnt like me and know about our break up condition. He banned me to come to his place to talk over this, block my number (but he didnt block fb and instagram), and his friend said maybe i should move on because the things is so messed up. Do you thing i still have a chance to get back with him?
You might still stand a chance, after giving him enough space to let go of any negative emotions relating to the relationship and breakup. It might take a long while, and would be easier to simply let go of things since he's adamant about not getting back together this time around, so you would definitely have a tough time trying to convince him.
He told me to move on and after that we can be friend again like before, and i told him that i know that we cant be back together and we can be friend. Did i do it right if i want to go back with him? What should i do to convince him that i already chance and will never do something like before?
You should at least position yourself so that you're on good talking terms with him before trying anything more. It wouldn't work if you push for a relationship only as that might scare him away initially and ruin all chances of getting back together.
Hi there last week the love of my life left me. Well I havent literally cheated but last year my ex n I were chatting and even though I blocked her .leeandra found out about it and ended things...we then patched things up and continued. This year june19 would have been 7 years for us.... las wednesday she came across a msg on my phone where I told a girl not to msg me when im with my girlfriend. Honestly nothing was going on between us but I didnt want my girlfriend thinking something was so rather safe then sorry. Well it back fired as she now thinks I have been hoeing around. I tried talking and msging and its gotten me nowhere. I love her more than anything in this world. I will wait for her forever if I have to.I wouldn't lay hands on another woman I love her more then anything. Please could I have some kind of advice. Everyone's saying she will take me back but she was evening going to block me on whatsapp. Im not sure what to do. Please help please.
For now, the only thing you can do is to give her space and let her cool off before apologizing and trying to explain to her once more. Hopefully she will listen to you then, that you weren't cheating on her and just didn't want any misunderstandings.
Hi there, thank you for taking the time to write this guide, your website is much appreciated. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago mid holiday because of all the fighting. We tried reconciling 2 months ago but we ended up fighting all over again, he told me I was insecure and I broke his trust by bitching about him behind he's back and he thought that it was the same as being cheated on. I am so sorry for what I've done, I begged him to give us a second chance but he refused. I've done no contact for 1 month now, and made version 2.0 of myself. he has responded to my messages. I'm scared that if I continue to message him he's going to see through that I want us to get back together. Where do I go from here?
You should take things slow, and talk to him with the same kind of projected intentions as if friends with no hidden agendas would. Definitely don't come across as pushy or desperate, and control your emotions (like getting upset if he doesn't reply, or showing jealousy, or anything that might make him raise his guard). Take things a step at a time for now, and build up positive vibes with him so that he's comfortable with eventually meeting up with you.
Thank you so much Ryan! your advice very much appreciated. Thank you again for your articles. it's a massive help, please keep up your good work :)
Help, please! My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, we have an apartment and a dog. For a while no, i.e. 3 years, our sex life was almost inexistent until a total dry pell set in for 8 months. He did not want to get intimate and we had numerous talks about the issue; he remained passive and never worked towards it getting better. I felt unappreciated, defemivnized, etc.. At one point it was so bad that we barely talked to each other, did not even hug or kiss. I could not stand the situation anymore and ended up cheating on him. I confessed to what I have done, wrote him a letter explaining how he too hurt me. He said that he loved me but now doesn't know if there is anything underneath all the resentment. He is obsessed about the person I did it with, thinking i degraded him by choosing 'a subhuman' to cheat with. The problem is not that I did it but with whom I did it and he can't get over that, notion he lost all respect for me and now all he sees is one big STD and I have turned myself into a 'subhuman'. He also said that right now there is no way back for him but concedes that he needs time and there are just too many emotions underneath all the hurt and resentment. What should I do? I left the apartment for a bit but have to return at some point, since I have nowhere else to go and also have to work. In his response to my letter he simply stated that he is a 'cold northerner' and can't give me the lust and passion I want from a man (when all I ever wanted is some sign of affection and normal sex), and can thus never make me or any other woman happy in the long run. I do not know what to do.
If this is an important deal to you, it's something that you have to convey across to him. If he doesn't value your opinion and still isn't willing to compromise on this, you might be happier in the long run walking away from the relationship.
I have followed everything. I did the no contact period for two months. I had a new number. She saved my new number and used to share what's app status. The moment I change what's app dp she used to change her dp. Last Saturday she didn't change the dp that way, I was confused shocked and called her rite away. I spoke shit and she was irritated. Next day I texted her and she was even more irritated. And the same irritation and me begging happened. What should I do now? Please help
Please respond
You have to take a step back and not overreact at little things. Bear in mind that you haven't gotten back together with her, and should not overlook that fact or start behaving in ways that overstep the boundaries of a friend. Apologize, and even consider applying no contact again for a short while to let her cool off.
She herself msged me on Feb 13th as if nothing happened. She started talking as if nothing happened. I know first day I was supposed to talk very low but that night I got emotional and said I wanted her back. She said she has changed a lot and she only wanted to find out how I was, an ex can never be a friend. What should I do? I waited for two days and gave her a small random chat which went well. Should I follow the chat guidelines given in this website? Or should I give her some more time? She texted me after 4months and I shouldn't have rises the relationship topic. Rite now she is busy in a college fest. She won't won't even reply to my texts. Please help
Leave her be for now to sort her festival because if you continue to push her for replies, she will get irritated and may even decide to block you. Follow the guidelines provided, but loosely, based on your own situation. I suggest letting her finish her event, before contacting her again to ask how it went, and take things from there.
So my ex of seven months broke up with me quite recently because of the fact that I cheated on him back in August. It was with his friend and we had sex but I realized my mistake and had changed and realized that it was a mistake. We got back together shortly after and we were good for two almost three months. Then in December he needed time to focus on himself but we kept in contact. He like other girls pictures and talked to other girls as friends. We got back together threee weeks ago and I was fully committed to trying to be better for our relationship and for him. Before December you had broke down crying and we were together and I comforted him. I had changed for the better then and there. So when he gave me a chance, I didn’t waste it this time. I treated him right and made him feel secure about us, yet he says he wanted time and felt rushed. So he broke up with me, this time saying it was for good and I’ve done to much damage. I truly do love him and learned from my mistakes. He says I was too late and that this break up is for good. He broke up with me not because of me doing anything wrong in this short time we were back together but over what happened when I cheated back in August. Is this truly for good or what can I do to show him that I wasn’t trying to hurt him or how I’ve changed for the better.
He definitely has not let go of the incident yet, and by you being around him, would only remind him of it further. I suggest allowing the breakup to happen first, and giving him the time to deal with his emotions and let go of negative feelings before trying things again in the future. If the relationship you shared with him was a meaningful one, then it's likely that he would still have feelings for you.
I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago. She told me that she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me anymore. A year ago I cheated on her and kissed another girl and that's it. She found out a month after the that and told me she wouldn't break up with me and would try again. 5 months ago we started living together and after 4 months all went sideways. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore and still feels hurt after that incident. I gave her space for 3-4 days and contacted her. Tried to be fun and make her laugh, but she told me yesterday that she feels hurt and its hurting more when she is talking to me and when I try to make her laugh and feel happy. What should I do ?
You should apologize and be sincere about making things up to her. She may feel that you're underplaying the situation and this makes her feel taken for granted, and like she doesn't matter. She might not trust you at this point, and you'll have to work on building that trust up in order to get her back to normal.
HI just broken up with my girlfriend of 7years for cheating on her how do I go about her back after she saying she never going to come back
Give her some space to cool off and let go of the anger she has towards you. Start with No Contact and work on yourself before coming back later on to win her by proving to her that you've changed.
Hi Kevin
My ex of 2 years and half broke up with me on the 14th December, because she find out that I’m on dating website and I messaged one girl! She think that I cheated on her when I didn’t , that website was a mistake to have it I shouldn’t have been on it on the first place, but honestly I didn’t cheated on her. Anyway she told me she don’t trust me anymore and she don’t want me anymore I did Begged and Pleaded Thursday all night and Friday all night with text and crying voicemail but she ignored me, I start the no contact rule I’m 10 days on it and I can’t stop think about her .. tomorrow is Xmas and I have got all her present and to do?? Please help me? What text message shall I send her after 30 days?? Many thanks for your help
Hey there,
You can refer to this article for more tips on how to text your ex again after the NC period.
Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 months ago. She lost trust because I lied a couple of times about talking to some other girls. I’ve been visiting two other girls one time, but only as friends. She didn’t believe me because the two other girls said they were catching feelings for me so she thinks there were something more... We’re in same class at school so we see each other all the time. Sometimes she’s mad at me and sometimes she’s not. For one/two weeks ago she said she still had feelings for me, she asked me a lot about how everything is with me now, so I know she cares. The last couple of days we don’t talk so much, or only at school. But I feel she goes further away from me somehow. She’s telling me she wants to be friends, but I know I never can deal with that. I will do whatever it takes to win her back. I regret everything I’ve done and I know I will never do it again. I can see some of her friends talking to her about that their so glad she broke up with me and they’re so happy for her. I go in class with them too. It very hard. I stared recording myself one week after the break up, and I have done it everyday since then (40 days) where I talk about how much I want to have another chance etc. I’m gonna edit the videos and put them together Where I also will play a song I wrote for her. After New Year I will come to her house and show her the video. I feel that it will prove her how much I mean this and how much she means to me. What do you guys think?
While it may seem sweet, it could potentially also make you look desperate and creepy in doing so. You might want to re-consider that, because if it backfires, you may have the whole class see you differently. I suggest talking to her once and if she doesn't respond positively, be prepared to cut contact with her for the time being to give her space.
So this girl is my high school sweetheart shes a year older than i am we dated all through out high school but broke up my senior year when she went to college. We still talked and had a physical relationship. She said we were working back to a relationship. She then made a friend and they became more than just friends and asked me if it was ok that she moved onto him. Even tho i was heart broken i said ok. Because i wanted her to be happy. After they were together for some months she cheated on him with me and got back together with me. We started dating again from then on. Until just recently. I broke her heart and her trust by kissing a girl at a party. This happened twice and i tols her about it as soon as they happened. My ex goes to college 3 hours away so when i told her she wanted to try and work things out and i agreed because i love her very much. I only kissed the other girl because i was still upset about the previous breakup. But i love my ex so much. Ive begged her to take me bacj and i apologized a thousand times she just tells me she doesn't believe me and it doesn't matter. She leaves me on seen all the time and i don't know what to do. She tells me she wants to be left alone. But when i brought up me leaving her life for good she says that's not what shes asking for. I fear that if i do leave her be that she will leave for good.. i don't knwo what to do and i feel like shes really the one im supposed to marry. Ps we've been dated for almost 3 years straight but 4 years all together on and off
Hey there,
I suggest right now since her wounds are still fresh, give her some space and time to let go of it. She may forgive you but it won't be so immediate. People need time to process and recover from the hurt, just like you deciding to kiss someone else because you were upset over the previous breakup. Give her some space for now and come back to her again after some time has passed. And if you really want her back, I don't recommend 'walking' away or pressuring her to get back together with you using that as a reason.
I recently lost my ex and she told me that this is the last time we are getting back together. We have all the same friends and we have stayed together for a year. I cheated on her multiple times but this time is the last straw she said. She just moved out and she is already dating a new guy but just last month she told me she loved me and we were still sexually active. I have begged bought nice things and still she hates me. Is this Guy a rebound and is there any hope I’ve started the NC period but it is the holidays and i had bought her gifts.
This may depend on her ultimately since you have cheated multiple times so it may be hard for her to forgive you in such a short period. I suggest giving her space and letting her be for now. You can tell her that you have a gift for her but if she doesn't want it, then you should go into No Contact already. The guy may be a rebound given that she jumped into it pretty quickly.
Hi me and my boyfriend are 5 years together we are engaged but he's in america im in italy, i cheated on him when i went in vacation. I admitted everything. So he broke up with me. It's been a month.i dont know if im selfish wanting him to come back to me
He said he forgave me but doesnt know if her will ever trust me again. Our papers are on the way. I was mad at him when i did it. I felt unappreciated for years. He was cold to me in the last 3 years of our relationship sincE he left. I told him but i will never have any excuse to justify what i did. I dont know what to do to have him back. If i still need to insist on coming back to me or just to let him go. He still asnwer my calls he said he doesnt know if he will ever see me the same way again.
Perhaps give him some time to move past this incident and although he forgives you, he still needs time to let go, while you need to put in effort in order to regain his trust.
I was in a committed relationship for 1 year (we have been best friends before that for 2 years, so it felt like 3 years). I knew she was the one for me, but I was too scared to commit to her fully because of the religious and ethnic differences. I cheated on her with a girl of the same race and religion, but I felt no connection with the girl what so ever. She found out I had cheated on her and ruined my life by telling all of our friends and hooking up with one of my really close friends. I am still in love with her and still strive to do anything for her. I went a little crazy calling her and texting her a lot for 3 months after we broke up and then I finally gave her the space that she wanted for about 3 weeks now. I have wrote her apology letters, but now I don't know what my next step should be.
If she still has not let go of what happened, it may be a good idea to continue with the no contact rule and just continue giving her space so that this whole incident is put behind you before trying to do anything again.
Hey team, I hope you guys can help me out. I'm in such a mess. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs. It was going fine until we switched cities and he got more busy staying in a hostel and there was hardly any time for me. We guys started having petty fights. He barely talked to me or replied me back and so I started hanging out with a guy friend of mine. My bf told me not to go out with him but I did. Ended up being close to that guy and I initiated the breakup and left. He thinks that I cheated on him. It's been 3 yrs since the brk up. He contacted me initially after 6 months but I was tired to him pushing me around and not treating me well so I shut him out. He started talking to other girls and we had been talking off and on every 6 months. After a yr I asked him if he would stay and wrote long text messages explaining, begging and pleading. He said no I was a cheat. I still tried again after 6 months, the same response. I've tried for over a year off and on, and then I eventually left in April 2017. He texted a friend of mine in September that he has never found someone like me but he's still hurt. And that every good memory gets associated with the bad ones and the fights. I texted him in October and we had a nice decent chat, but he's hot and cold. He said he is recovering from depression and isn't sure about being committed right now. I don't have more than 3 months to give him time, coz I'm guna have to leave him then. But I was wondering if I could write a long apology text again and tell him that I'm trying to figure out things as well and I'm not sure either. Or should I just leave contacting him bcoz he just doesn't seem interested in having a convo and then he seems all into me. Please guys, help me :(
hey Lily, if you had not done anything wrong, why write an apology letter? My suggestion is to talk to him, and have an honest conversation about how you feel, how you still have feelings for him, and how you weren't lying when you said nothing had happened between you and the other guy. Trust is a big factor in a relationship, and if he can't even trust your word when you guys have broken up, let alone if you guys get back together. If he doesn't trust you still and accuses you of being a cheat despite all that, then my suggestion would be to walk away and be fair to yourself. Do you want to always have to prove yourself at every turn if you guys get back together?
I have a long term relationship for 7 years.however on our fourth year I met another girl and we had a relationship but didn't broke up woth the first.so I juggled 2 girls we lasted 3 years,I kept it in the shadows. I did not introduce her to my parents,last month the second ask for some space and that time I broke up with the first, I admitted to my first that had cheated and I'm choosing the second. I chose the second with no guarantee.My ex contacted her and revealed all, she was very angry with me and even our sex life is also revealed to her.she said that she cannot forgive me for what I did and I don't know what to do right now...I resorted to suicide 2 weeks ago.
Hi Derrick,
I suggest you seek professional help, if your feelings are overwhelming and you find yourself wanting to do anything reckless. On the relationship aspect of things, I think you should give them both space right now and focus on handling your own emotions first. I'm assuming that you want to be with the second girl again? It's going to be really hard to get her to forgive you, but it's not impossible. It'll take a long time and a lot of effort on your part to regain her trust. This isn't done overnight and if you feel like you don't have the patience to (make it up to her for an indefinite time), then my suggestion is that you seek help from friends or family in helping you cope with the emotions and focus on recovery first.
I hate myself already!!! I love my boyfriend so much but I cheated on him. I dated another guy for one month. He found out about it and became so hurt. When asked if he still loves me, he said "Yes!!! But things would never be the same again." I just want my man back, the way he used to be. I regret my actions.
Then you'll have to slowly work on regaining his trust back with your actions and hopefully he'll come through on his end.
Hey team, I have a hope frm u only now. We had this relation for 5 years ( our friendship+relationship). We were happy together. Things went wrong twice, once I was caught sending some nudes to other guy but he forgave me that time but the other time when - I met this frnd of mine n I started to like him, like his thinking, I started going out with him and my ex didn't like this he asked me to stay away frm both but I didn't as they were my old frnds but after a I while when I saw him getting hurt, I reduced making slow so that it's nt awkwrd. He thought I started liking him n after 2-3 months he left, he broke up with me.i love him so much, we were like yin and yang completing each other. It's been a month to our breakup, I've tried every possible way to get him back like writing long paragraphs expressing my love, being sorry, trying every possible way but he is not ready to come back. He is damn hurt, I knw I've done a big mistake n feel guilty for it. I m ready to change myself. Please guys I really need Ur help to get him back. I love him so much
Hey there,
You need to give him time to recover and forgive you before talking to him again. After everything that has happened, he will need time to see if he's willing to give you another shot. During this month that both of you have broken up, if you have been contacting him often and and coming across as needy or desperate, he will only feel like he wants to distance himself from you. I suggest taking another 30 days to apply the no contact rule in order to give both him and you space to clear your thoughts and after that, if you really want to be with him, then you could approach him again.
I wish you would read my story and help me.
I was in relationship with the same girl for one year. I wanted to break it. I had to stay at a new place for my project issues.I was single I was alone, I was bored. A new girl came into my life, Hooked up with me all of a sudden and left. Couple of weeks my ex planned for a meet and hooked up. When I finally met my ex I couldn't resist my regret and told her off I kissed my ex and showed her a photo. She broke in tears and left the topic. From the past three months she wanted to breakup with me. I wasn't able to love her properly. I believe this is because I had sex with other girl. There was a point where she wanted to cut me off fully.
At the same time she discovered I flirt with two old people of my college. I played sarcasm on one of her friend asking for a night stay together. She found out I had sex with two others 4 months back. What is my position now? I begged her for one week. Now she thinks I am cheap, A flirt , A cheater.
I love her for real. I did beg her initially. If I take up this program will it help me? Should I now clear all the misconceptions she has in her head? After no contact rule(2months planned) Will she think back I am a cheat and flirt? Whom do I contact to help me?
Hey Akhil,
This program works for the majority as long as you follow it and you're honest with yourself. However, as you're dealing with a fellow human being, at times the outcome can still be uncertain. I suggest for now, follow the plan as well as NC to give her space to calm down (as you mentioned, 2 months may be a good idea). Spend this time focusing on yourself and if you do ever get her back, prove to her with actions that you're loyal to her alone.
I finally made up my mind to wait. I deal with a long distance relationship. So I am sure she will read the letter ill be sending her after one and half month. As this is a long distance relationship she doesnt have to meet me. I'm sure that 2nd of january shell be going to a place. Should I go there without informing her? What should I act like? How do I get her right side of the brain to work? Should things be formal? The moment I agreed I cheated on her she cried and said she still pities me. Maybe repeated calls and msgs pissed her off. I have no clue what my aim should be when I meet her. Please help.
Your aim should be to give her space right now, and even when you decide to initiate contact again, be casual and not too pushy about it. You don't want her to feel like you're over stepping boundaries. Even if you know she is going somewhere, it's best not to 'surprise' her there but rather, properly arrange for a meet up.
Do Kevin's template mails work for cheating cases? He said I need to approach her when she looses all her irritation and anger, Missing would happen after that. When do I know the exact time she will be missing me? If I miss time contacting her. She might move on or still get irritated
Hey Akhil,
There is honestly no fixed time as it differs from every individual and the context of what happened. However, if the relationship was a strong one and you were both emotionally committed, you'll have to disregard your insecurity of her moving on in such a short time, and trust that if you approach her in the future, you'd be able to win her over again (provided you have done your part to change).
7 more days for one month of no contact period, After the breakup I begged her for two weeks. She told one of her friend that she even lost irritation at me by the end of two weeks. Now, She put a fake reason and contacted my friend to know how I was doing. She told him she still hates me, it would be good if i don't repeat it with anyone else. Long back she forgot to block me on insta, I liked a few posts recently and she blocked me there too. What should be my next move? I am ready to put last inch of me to get her back. Please show me a path. 7more days for my no contact period (1month)
If she has not unblocked you, and you have no way to contact her, you could ask your friends who keep in contact with her, to find out why she still hates you and whether she is saying that for the sake of it or really means it. There may be a chance whereby you have to continue with the NC period indefinitely if she still is upset with you, until a reasonable amount of time has passed for her to have moved on from her hatred or anger.
I've been in relation for one year, and I've never seen her pissed off that bad during the breakup. She herself called my friend for a fake reason to find out who I am, She told him she still hates me. I think it would be ridiculous on her side if she says I don't hate him anymore. I really want to thank you and kevin for helping people. I'm a student and I cannot afford advanced techniques. Thank you for your patience. Lastly, where can I get letter templates from?
No worries Akhil,
If she still won't forgive you, then it's something you have to wait out for a indefinite period until she finally lets go of her anger. What do you mean by letter templates?
New twist in the tale, She unblocked me on Facebook for 4days, Unblocked me on whatsapp, All of a sudden she blocked me on Facebook for no reason. Its been a month I've seen some positive sign from her side. I lost my simcard. She must have tried calling me. I have no clue how I should proceed if she approaches me. I have read Kevins mails asking to stay cool. But, I've changed my profile picture three times already. I stare at her profile all day and She is never online. What to do now?
Hey Akhil,
It's not about staying cool, but actually feeling so. To elaborate, you should be working to reach a point where you aren't staring at her profile all day and have your thoughts filled with her. It should be a point that even though you want her back, mentally and emotionally, you'd be okay if she doesn't.
Got a little excited when she unblocked me. I have that in my mind that she might not come back. I just want to give my best. Ryan! Tell me what to do. She has my only number and I lost my simcard. She unblocked me, so should I go with the next step of of texting her?
I feel so ashamed in myself I don't know how I could let this happen me and my partner had already gone through a rough patch he had moved his stuff out prior to this happening we were just starting to get our stuff back together you know working things out and he was starting to care for me and wanting to be around me again then I stuffed it all up I have a big problem with alcohol and I got very drunk with a friend at my house I told him I didn't want anything to happen because I really do love my boyfriend I don't know why I continue to drink I blacked out and came to with my partner breaking down my door and bashing the guy while he was on the floor I honestly wouldn't do anything like that if it wasn't for drinking I have a problem with alcohol and I should have known better I should not have been drinking without my partner and I know that I feel so guilty and I hate myself I can't believe I could destroy my relationship I never wanted anything to happen and I shouldn't oftrusted my so called friend not to try anything whike i was in that state but he did. it's been not long but he hasn't spoken me I left like 100 messages I don't know what to do he won't give me the chance to explain what happened and I know it's my fault I don't have anyone to turn too, he's the only person who has stuck around for me through everything I've put him through.. he already thought about ending the relationship now I've destroyed everything I don't know what to do.. will he contact me again I know he's really hurt and I hate myself for what's happened I Dont know what to do :'( :'(
Hey there,
Perhaps have you ever considered therapy if you really have a drinking problem? Right now, as the relationship was already on thin ice and it broke because of the incident, it's best to leave him alone at the moment and not contact him. Give him some time and space to calm down and also give yourself some time to regain your composure. I know it's unfortunate, but the incident has already happened and you do have to mentally prepare yourself if he decides not to forgive you anytime soon but you also have to accept that it has happened and try to come to terms with it.
Hello Team, I am 22 years old and I'm going to try summarise it all quickly. I was with my ex for 3 years she is my first love, I met her when was 18 and we were together for about 7 months before leaving her for another female who I had a fling with for 6 months. My ex took me back after that ended and I gave it my all but I wasn't getting the same back, so she said she is unsure if she can trust me. I left and many months on she said she loves me and she can't do without me so after a while we got together mutually putting our all in to it. Soon after I got bored as she didn't want to have sex before marriage and although I loved her I was too young to commit to marriage, therefore I flirted with some girls and got caught and things went sour again, so she was hurt and said leave me be.
Now this was last year and I accepted it all and let her be after trying very hard to get her back she insisted on being unsure and not ready, then later on she reached out to me a few times during no contact but I didn't reply or bother as of that. I spoke to her after a few months and she said she's speaking to someone else and almost attempted to make me jealous I said good luck and just kept it civil as she wished. Later on she started giving me mixed signals and behaving as if she loves me then she would take it away once I expressed my wish to get her back. She would then say she's not ready and is unsure, she says she loves me and therefore the reason why she hasn't cut me off. But every time I move cold shoulder she seems interested, when i show affection she backs off. She says she isnt giving mixed signals, and doesnt want to lead me on yet.. she behaves like this?
I keep disappearing for a few months when she behaves like this and then come back and it's the same cycle. So I'm unsure if i should stay friends for as long as it takes or shall I just cut ends.
She said she doesn't want a relationship and enjoys peace of mind, yet loves me and maybe later we will be together again and give me another chance.
Bottom line is i love her and it's been a year and she's still saying the same stuff. I just feel guilty for flirting with other girls during our time and maybe that's my downfall. Should I stick around or shall I leave ? Please could I have some specific advice as this is a bit complex and on going. Thank you .
Hi Heston,
Personally, I feel that you guys should stop playing games with each other. At least on your end, if you're really in love with her, you have to stop flirting around and if you know you're going to get bored again some time into the relationship, you shouldn't go back into it. Each time you've done that in the past, you've made her more and more unsure of you and getting back together because the trust keeps getting broken. This could be why she's particularly hot and cold towards you this time around. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, just that she probably doesn't trust you at this point.
If you do want her back, I suggest having an honest and open conversation with her about this and convince her (with your actions) that you're willing to do what it takes to win her back.
I am 17. My ex and i were together for more than 18 months. But i made the biggest mistake in my life by cheating on him. I made out with my former ex while i was drunk. I broke his heart and i am ashamed of myself. I really want him back as i love him more than anything.Do i even deserve another chance? And can things come back to normal even if we get back?Will he be loyal to me again?
Hey Monica,
People make mistakes from time to time, I'm not saying that what you did was justifiable but it has happened. From here on out, you deserving a second chance is entirely up to you and how you are able to convince him that you're sorry and get him to forgive you.
sorry to intrude, but what if he still insist on not coming back?
Unfortunately, if he still insists on not coming back or refusing to talk to you, you're left with only two options: continue no contact for a prolonged period or walk away.
I’m 17 and I betrayed my boyfriend I didn’t sleep with anyone or anything physical when it Came to me cheating, but I was very flirtatious and met one guy at a park nothing happened but he was very upset. I would let my exes and olds flings flirt with me and disrespect my relationship even though they knew about my boyfriend, now he is 18 and I know we young but we planned a future everyday he reassured that we would reach it. Despite my actions he gave me chances after he found out what I did and then I would also lie. Now we have broke up and he put me in the friend zone but from questioning him I could tell there is hope he just wants to get the trust back and be able to know I’m only for him. For the last few days I’ve bddn showing I want this but last night we got into a heated argument and he left. In the argument I was being selfish and pretended like nothing happen that he should treat me the same. I thought pretending would be a way of getting us back, I failed and I want to work on this and get him back. Please help me.
Hi Bri,
Do follow the 5 step plan and more importantly, be honest with both yourself and him if you decide you still want him back after following all the steps.
Hi kevin
Hope you’re well! I just purchased your book sounds like an awesome article that will help me make the right move in the future. I was in a healthy and full of love relationship with my bestfriend. (Gay relationship) we were together for almost 5 years. 6 months ago he found out i cheated and slept with random guys over a hook up app. We had a massive argument and almost broke up but decided to work it through. We both have cheated in the past but always seem to work it out. Last week he caught me again on the App and now it’s real. We broke up and i moved out right on that day. He still says things like “i will always love you and this is the hardest thing ever even if i was badly betrayed i am thankful i met you” or “i miss you too but i can’t be with you” this is after few days of being separated. I am seeking professional help and i have finally decided what i have been doing is because i was selfish. I needed something to boost my esteem and it was cheating that led me into getting the attention. We work in the same hotel but don’t see each other much. We have a dog together, a car, properties etc. i am loosing hope each day however i read your article and somehow gave me relief. In all honesty, do you think there’s a slight chance we can work things out and get back together even if i have cheated numerous times? My friends and his family all hate me and i have no support other than my family now. I am very serious about this change as i really do not want to lose him in my life at all. I am considering booking a psychologist or a counselling together (even if were not talking or together) do u think this is a good idea? Please help!
Hey Rob,
Yes, it's the best thing you can do right now. As I say in the article above, you just need to show him some hope. He wants to trust you again. He just doesn't know how to.
Hi kev, I'am really confuse,has suicidal attempt and I regret seeing myself looking at your site right now,anyway.thanks for this,had a good read though i was just on the 1st part. I hope that this would help me win her back.regards
Hi Kenneth,
If you are getting suicidal thoughts, please contact a suicide hotline or find a mental health care professional IMMEDIATELY.
I cheated for the first time in 3 years but this isn't the first time I have hurt my gf. I have been caught flirting with other girls and even made arrangements to see women on Craigslist but I never did anything with those women. I have lost her and I truly do not want any other women in this world but her. She tells me she does not want to be with me. She says she will never be able to trust me again because I have her so many reason not to please help me get the love of my life back!
Follow the advice in the above article Dave. You just have to show her a ray of hope.
Hello Jim here.
My girlfriend left me due to me texting a girl I used to mess around with. This hasn't been the first time. More the the third. I really do love her an we have children. She doesn't trust me anymore and I understand that. But I still want us to work it out an be a family. We are still in contact she just feels like this won't work. I really want it to. I was planning on marrying her before all this mess. Yes I was drunk when I texted that other girl and said some very sexual things. What's my chances on winning her back. She also said she is now talking to someone that she claims would never do what I did.
Hi Jim,
I recommend following the advice in the article. You need to make some serious changes in yourself to show her that you are capable of being the man she wants. The easiest way to show her is to get professional help. You can start by getting therapy or joining a 12 step program.
Hi Kevin,
I'm in a relationship with this guy for 1 year plus. I cheated on him by using a dating app and chat with other guys. He found out and want to leave me. He is Super angry and hurt. I'm wrong to cheat and there is no excuse. But I love him and I want to get back to him. He told me to continue with the guys I chat on dating app and move on with my life. I know he won't forgive me that easily, he ask me to stop texting him. I tried so hard the following day not to text him at all. Later at night he texted me asking me how to use the dating app which he also downloaded to try. I can only say sorry but the trust is broken I don't know how I can fix that. I mentioned I will respect his decision. Would you be able to give me any advices? Should I really not text him again? I really love him and told him I won't make the same mistake anymore but he said it's too late. Is there any ways I can get him back?
I am an indian, i doubt if the pyscology of the girls here match to what u say plsease let me know.
It does. It's basic human psychology. It works everywhere. There might be some cultural differences. Perhaps, family pressure or religious values might affect their decision. But the basics of attraction still works.
Hi Kevin,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We have so much in common and our relationship seemed so perfect. But for some reason I made the awful decision to sleep with someone else one time. I told him about it recently and he was so hurt. I regret doing it everyday and I don't know what to do. I hate the fact that I hurt him. He says there's hope and he hasn't left me, but I don't know how to get him back. I don't know how to mend the damage that I've done. I still love him so much and he tells me he really loves me too. I realize I hurt him in the worst way possible, how do I help him trust me again and go back to how we were or be better? I never want to do anything like that again and I really regret it. I don't want to lose him.
Connie,
It's good that he sees hope. You can build on that hope and reach a level of trust better than before. But you both will need to work on it. I can't go into specific details on how to go about it because it's not my expertise and it will be too long for a comment. But I will definitely recommend couples counseling and will advise you to look into some programs (or books) that help people rebuild trust after infidelity.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now.
We are having a break because I admitted I had emotionally cheated on him for 4 months during the time we've been together. I've already ended that affair before I told him the truth.
It's been 10 days now since the break started. But we already talked through a lot of stuffs, and already met 3 times.
He told me he will make the final decision whether we should be together or not.
But everytime we met, he hugged me and said he loves me, and even said he has hope and asked me to have hope too.
I know I'm afraid of losing him.
But at this moment, what should I do? Should I be paranoid about the final decision?
Hi Kevin,
me and my boyfriend of 2 months were going out and we were super happy and closer then ever, then one night out with him i got extremely drunk and got with someone else, it was just a kiss but he saw and now he has no trust in me, he says its over because he cant trust me but i still want to get him back and i need to build his trust back up, i have sent him lots of messeges but he rarely replies, i am starting the no contact period but if he has said its over and doesnt trust me, where do i start in order to get his trust back?
Thankyou f
Hey Kate,
To be honest, you are looking at an uphill battle. It's been only two months and he wasn't invested in you that much to put in the effort of rebuilding trust. Your best bet is to give it a couple of weeks of NC and then try contacting him again. But again, your chances are very less.
Ps
How long should I do the NC rule for my situation?
There's a checklist at the beginning of step 4 of the 5 step plan.
Hello,
Me and my GF have been dating for about 1 year and a half and about a month ago I ended the relationship because I thought at the time that I had feelings for someone else and that my GF wasn't really the girl I should be with. I entered into a relationship with the other girl for about a month and then realized that I was extremely wrong and my GF really is the one I should be with! So I have been trying everything I possibly can to win her back and some days are good with us but lately it has been just horrible and she wants nothing to do with me, she says she doesn't trust me and she can't believe I left her for another girl. She tells me she still loves me and wants to try again but that I need to just "let her be" and today I wrote her a email saying I was gonna give her space and that I will contact her when I'm ready. Should I have not said that? I feel that if she contacts me though I will be weak and give in and respond back.
What also is a problem for me is the fact that she has gone out on a couple of dates with this guy, it really bothers me and makes me very depressed. She says she likes him and the "he is nice", is he something to worry about?
I really do not want to lose her and I kind of feel like I have and it's hard to have hope, it's hard to know what to think or do when I feel like I am a roller coaster of emotions and I can't get a grip on anything.
If I can have any advice on my situation I would be extremely grateful, I now know how special this girl really is.
Thank you very much
You didn't do anything wrong with that email. The first step is to get a hold of yourself and regain composure. You are on the right track. All the best.
Kevin, me and my ex were dating for 5 years until in 2013 I made the horrible mistake of cheating on her, I realized that mistake and gave her space and about 4 months later we got back together, I messed up and hung out with the same girl again and my gf found out about it again and now we have broken up. she says she is confused and doesnt know what to do and needs space. what should I do?
Give her space. Offer to go for counseling if required. Do individual counseling meanwhile.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend and I have been together 20 months. I'm 29, recently finished grad school. She's 20, and a college senior. We exchange I love you's, live together, and we had been planning to stay together after she finishes school until...
I was out of town for several weeks recently , and signed up for a dating app, and flirted/sexted with women, and entertained the idea of hooking up. I never met anyone in person or physically cheated. I'm ashamed to say some of the sexting stuff was very explicit, and I now realize it was definitely cheating. I also bragged/joked to some guy friends about some of this, which was how my girlfriend found out (she read my text messages after I got home). I've also had wandering eyes in the past, and grappled with the idea of monogamy. I want to change and grow out of all this, no matter what happens between my gf and I.
I've made some of the mistakes in the 48 hours since this happened (begging/pleading, profusely apologizing and using pity). But I think I can stop and use some of your 5 steps. We've talked twice and she seems fixed on splitting up (90% of her stuff is packed and moved to her parents, who live nearby). But she has been open to communicating/meeting to talk more, despite a very explosive initial reaction to the discovery.
So I guess where I'm at now is how or should I just accept the breakup she seems to want, and use the no contact period to make positive changes in myself (mainly addressing the cheating, and figure out how to grow out of that crap). Right now I still love her and want to patch things up, but I'm worried about how much of what I'm feeling is out of desperation/fear/panic.
Maybe I need to take some time to make changes in me, so I won't do the same thing again. I'm also sober, it's been over 5 years, and I do the 12 steps. So this has been a huge wakeup call for me in terms of living a sober life as a sober man. I can't do this crap and stay sober. So my sponsor is helping me too.
Anyways thanks for a great website, I'll sign up for the emails, and look forward to your advice on this comment.
Hi Kevin I recently posted a comment about my situation with my ex breaking up with me because he said he is not ready for a relationship right now. I was in the middle of my contact rule and he confessed that the reason why he broke up with me because he was feeling so guilty and regret what he had done. He got drunk and slept with another woman about 2months ago while we are still together. It was only one time and he said he regret it everyday. He was afraid to tell me the truth because he doesn't want me to hate him. I feel like he really meant his apology but what he did caused me in a lot of pain. I still love and I know he loves me too. I just don't know if I should take him back or what will be the next step.
Hey,
You should tell him you need some time and space and do NC for a while. (at least 2 months) Read about infidelity during this time and hopefully you will be able to make a well-informed rational decision after no contact.
Hey, I am going through a tuff situation with my partner. We were together for 8 months. When we broke up I was needy and despreate but then I stop contacting him. Now, we are talking again. I tried everything in my power to make this work and I even told him I love him. At the moment he sends me mix messages. He wouldn't text me first but when I do he replies right away; however, I didn't text him yesterday understanding why he is mad and I am willing to give him time and space to make things work but he haven't text me back. I believe he's still hurt and confuse. I want to follow the no contact rule again but this time not reply back. If he contacts me and I ignore it, when should be the best time to call or text him again? Keep in mind it was a very bad break up, I wouldn't want him to feel like I don't care or if I'm doing something. I wouldn't want him to give me the same treatment if I decide to contact him the next day.
Diana,
I replied to your comment here.
Hi Kevin
I met my girlfriend online and we started off as friends with benefits. Initially, she was sort of using me to forget about this guy and I was using her to forget about this girl. We somehow managed to fall in love.
We have been officially together for only 2 months, but we were technically together for at least 6-8 months. We are both 21..
Halfway throughout the relationship, I started to have anger outbursts and did not treat her as well as I would have during the start. I did treat her nicely at times though, cooking for her meals and all that.
It was one day whereby I went crazy, I told her that I wanted to try having sex with other girls. There was once whereby I went complete bonkers, and cheated on her with another person (a guy that looked like a girl) out of curiosity. Needless to say, I was super guilty and confessed that night. She somehow forgived me. I could not remember but I guess I didn’t not treat her as well as I should have…. And we broke up. We still kept in contact and saw each other, telling each other we loved each other and sex. As far as I’m concerned we were still together
It was one day whereby she told me that there was this guy who was interested in her. I did not want to be unreasonable so I told her to try things out with that guy before making her decision, and that I wanted her to be happy. We ended having sex that night. I thought she would come back to me, until she told me that she decided to be with the other guy because he was much more mature and a whole bunch of other reasons, she felt that she has given me too many chances and that she merely treated me as a friend, she did mention that what we had was real.
I begged her not to leave me. But she did anyways. I sent her a text telling her that what I did wasn’t true, about the cheating and other things. She of course accused me of lying, but said that we were still friends. I gave her my blessings and she did as well. The thing is, before we got together, she lied to me that she slept around a lot because she thought I liked girls like that. I’m truly confused now that I think about it
Did I make the right choice by sending that text? Was I a rebound myself? Is the other guy a rebound? Is there any chance I can get her back? Please Kevin reply this comment, I’ve written comments a few days back but they are still not shown whereby later comments have already surfaced. I hope you see this and hear from you soon.
Hey Wesley,
I think you were a rebound. And to some extent, she was a rebound for you as well. In my opinion, the only reason you are on this website is because you feel rejected and you are going through the bargaining stage of the breakup grief.
Hi Kevin. I know maybe it's just me not accepting the fact. But we did lots of things together. I was the first guy she has ever stayed over with, the first guy she ever had unprotected sex with, and the first guy she has ever showered together with..
I know all these may not make any sense , but I know it was real for the both of us. The tears we shed and all that. I'm sorry if I came off defensive, that's not my intent. May I know if I still stand a chance to get back together with her? I've been doing no contact for about a week already..
I hope to hear from you soon, and I'm glad my comment has finally been moderated. Thank you
Sorry for the double post, I know you're really busy Kevin and I thank you for the service you're providing for everyone here. Was hoping if you can answer the rest of the questions as well if it's possible? Do you think if the other guy is a rebound?
I found out from a friend that she definetely knows that I'm lying about the last text I sent her because she read my texts on my phone before...
Thank you once again Kevin.
P.S The guy she was trying to forget was sort of a fling.
Hi Kevin. Sorry if I have been flooding your website. I didn't catch the message whereby you wouldn't be active.. Anyway a lot has happened since.
First of all, she didn't wish me happy birthday. I tried messaging her a few days back, keeping it casual. Trust me it hurt a lot seeing her with another guy. She was really polite and cold. If it makes sense. Doesn't feel like the girl I knew. Throughout messaging each other, she kept changing her display picture of her and the guy, and changed her whatsapp status to something lovey dovey. I told her to take care just after like 3-4 replies, mostly me asking if she has eaten and all that.
She did message my friend's girlfriend, asking her if i am really fine. She told her that although we broken up, she still treats me as a friend.
I'm really lost at to what to do now.. What should I do Kevin? Continue messaging her or what? I only messaged her only after 2 months of no contact. Or should I wait it out longer? I'm really so lost....
Hey Wesley,
The fact is, even though first times are special moments, they don't necessarily make someone emotionally invested in the relationship. In fact, most of the relationships where a couple is each others first don't really last. How many high school sweethearts actually end up together for the long haul? Not much.
I think there's a chance that you can get her back, but I will recommend you apply no contact for at least 2-3 months before making a move. This way you can be absolutely sure you are getting back for the right reason and not just because you are feeling rejected.
Ic... Thank you Wesley.. May I know why you would recommend 2-3 instead of the 1month you stated? I will try to abide to your rules. Do you think theres any chance that guy is a rebound?
Thank you Kevin*
Hey Kevin, it's been awhile since you replied.. I hope you can find some time to reply these messages soon. I know you're a busy guy so all the best.
P.S My birthday is in about 2 and a half weeks, that would be about 1month and 3 weeks since we broke up, should I invite her over to my party if I happen to have one? It's gonna be my 21st bday.
The reason I recommend 2-3 months instead of one is because it was your first relationship. In my experience, in cases like yours, it takes more time to see the relationship for what it was. Since it's the first time you will be experiencing the grief of a breakup, you will take a long time to recover from it.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I dated for 5 years, and midway through the relationship I cheated on him. After a couple of months of trying my best to get him back, we reconciled and were better than ever. However, around our fourth year together I had a miscarriage and that really affected our relationship. I was very depressend and I broke up with him. I thought I was really over him and here is where I messed up: I started dating the same guy I cheated on him with. My ex was really hurt and hated me. Things with the new guy didn't last long and I realized that I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend. Eventually, I tried to get my ex back but he said that even though he still cares for me and will always help me with the whole miscarriage thing, he doesn't want to get back with me because his feelings about me have changed. I've tried apologizing and even begged him to give me a another chance but nothing works. He still helps me with my miscarriage issues. I am still very depressed and going to a therapist to get better. My ex still supports me with that. Because of our past, I'm not sure if the NC rule applies to me. I really want to get him back. Do you think I still have a chance with him or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.
I think the NC rule still applies.
Hi Kevin
me and my partner were together for 8 years engaged and have a daughter together and own two houses. i did some stupid things to betray her trust and last Oct 2013 she split up with me over something I did back in March 2013 I did the usual I pleaded with her ever time i seen her when I dropped little one back. Then I'd leave her alone for a few weeks then Feb I found out she had been on a date so I started being needy asking her to think about us give us a chance for a couple of days then I left her alone for 6 weeks or so till she told me out the blue she was seeing this bloke she had been on a date with he's the only person she dated since us she says she's taking things slowly and seeing how it goes i know she's checking my fb cuz she made a comment about a pic I tagged a female friend in i just don't know what to do about his bloke she's seeing is it serious or just a rebound some advice you be much appreciated
Thanks steve
If she is taking things slowly, it could be that it's not a rebound. I think you should follow the 5 step plan once and if it doesn't work, you should try to move on.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend and I dated for over a year, and midway through the relationship I cheated on her twice. I was very insecure and I regretted doing this almost instantly. I believe I had anger issues as well (never physical of course, but verbally) and I think these insecurities led to the cheating.
Eventually, she broke up with me but we kept living together. Last month she met someone else and moved back. She wanted to stay in contact and has been jumping back and forth between "maybe someday we can work things out" to "let's be best friends" to "we shouldn't speak to each other" - she only started saying the last one when I began to message her really needy things. I'm on day 3 of the three day plan, and she has made her cover photo on Facebook a picture of George Harrison with lyrics to "My Sweet Lord" as the caption - this was one of our favourite songs together.
Do you think I should even bother with the 5 step plan or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn't make the same mistakes again, but like I said she has a new boyfriend.
Your advice?
Thank you/
Yes, you should follow the 5 step plan. Her new relationship is probably rebound and it'll end soon.
Sorry there was a typo in there, I should have said she met someone else and moved *out*, not back.
Still, your same advice stands?
Oh wow, so she just unfriended me on Facebook.... what's next? Just re-add her after 30 days?
Don't add her. If she adds you back, then accept her request. But don't add her from your side.
Yeah, I understood the typo.
I slipped up and began talking to her after 7 days of NC, she seemed interested for a bit but then she lost all interest in talking to me and it feels like I'm back to square 1. What now? I feel like she is much happier without me.
You should start no contact again if you still want to pursue her. I think you showed some neediness which she picked up on and then lost interest.
So after 3 days of no contact she is sending me snapchats which I'm not replying to. Do you think 30 days is too long in my case? Sorry for all of the questions, as you can probably tell though I feel a lot of guilt.
If she keeps contacting you for the next few days, tell her you need some space and time and continue no contact. I don't think 30 days is too long.
Do you think I should buy her am elaborate gift for Easter and just drop it in her mail box without messaging or anything, maybe just a card with it?
Absolutely not.
Someone told her I have been telling people we broke up because she cheated on *me* (I haven't been doing this) and she sent me a message (7 days into NC again btw) calling me a bunch of names asking me what my problem is.... what do?
Don't do anything. If she keeps on contacting you, tell her you didn't do any such thing and you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
So basically, after she sent me that message I said to her I didn't do any such thing, she said "I don't know if I can trust you, but I hope the family is well". I said they were, we got to a brief chat and we made plans to walk our dog together (who lives with me). We got on really well, laughter and all of that, that we hung out for basically 24 hours. She mentioned to me she was going away for the Easter long weekend with her new boyfriend and I just said something along the lines of "Oh that will be fun".
We made more plans to hang out this coming week, and it seems like we're getting along, but I've read other things on the internet that say it's important to not just become friends with her, because she'll soon leave entirely.
What do I do? I miss her too much to start another period of no contact and the concept of losing her forever makes me miserable, especially when I think about all the things I should have but didn't do in the relationship and how horribly I treated her. It's been almost 2 months since she moved out and it's not getting any easier. What do I do?
^To add to that, next time I see her should I just wait until the time feels right and apologise for the way I acted and tell her I've grown?
Hey Liam,
Since you never completed no contact and considering you are still hurt and you are still putting her on a pedestal, you should start no contact again and this time, keep it for 30 days. Read the checklist in the beginning of fourth step of the 5 step plan.
Do I even have a chance of salvaging this? People keep telling me to give up but I care about her so much. It seems like she'd be having a lot more fun with her new boyfriend now.
Hey Liam,
If you don't want to give up, then you should at least follow through the plan once. If it doesn't work, you will know for sure there isn't a chance anymore. As for her having fun, every new relationship is fun in the beginning. Especially rebounds. So don't worry about that.
I was emotionally unstable and abusive due to being really depressed. Three days prior to the breakup, he said he still wanted us to work. I got antidepressants and I regret everything I've done. I am stable and not abusive. I hurt my ex. We've been together a year and a half. He says part of him still wants me. Then be he says he doesn't want me. He acts sweet and polite, then cold. He doesn't want to talk to me and says I'm annoyimg him. How do I get him back? :/
Hey Elle,
Follow the 5 step plan.
Elle I'm sure ur beautiful and pretty he shouldn't deserve u if he's saying those things
I cheated on my boyfriend with his cousin and I feel like it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made... this is the 2nd time it’s happened. The first time was 4 years ago when I was 18 and the second time just recently and I’m 22. The first time me and my boyfriend broke up for almost 5 months and it was the worst 5 months ever for me. The 2nd the cousin texted me and I had a little to much to drink and ended up sleeping with him. My boyfriend broke up with me and said there’s no chance he would ever get back with me. But when I see him he still shows me some love and this time we were practically married , living in the same home with 1 child.... at first when he found out he kicked me out but then a couple days later said he wanted to work things out but a little after that he changed his mind again and blocked me on all social media and my cell number...please give me some good advice on what I can do to get him back or if I should even try
Give him some space for the time being to cool off, before trying to reach out again to see if he's willing to give things another shot. He's probably going through a cycle of confused emotions and anger at the moment and would need some time to figure his own emotions out first.
I cheated on my girl friend actually there is a girl and on one time she just turn on kiss me didn't expect it and on one time my girl heard this and she think that i broke all my promises and we break up is their a chance to get her back
You have to be mentally prepared that she may not be willing to give you a second chance because of your actions, but my suggestion if you wish to try winning her back is to give her some space to cool off, before you attempt to reach out and try making it up to her. Follow the steps in our main guide as well as the article above to best increase your chances, but of course there's no guarantee of success here.
Hi, I did sexual activities on a really drunken night out with a girl and my girlfriend has found out, she says she’s done with me and has blocked me on all social media, ive begged pleaded and stated how sorry I am and it shouldn’t of happened and that I can’t change the past if only I could. This happened 48 hours ago I want her back more than anything and I do love her, just made a terrible mistake which has cost us and I do want her back, I know she still loves me, I don’t know what to do right now, I can’t speak as I’m blocked, but she also said that she could never be the same as I’ve broken her trust and she couldn’t work it out I need help.
Mine is kind a complicated. We were 8 yrs together with a 6 yrs old kid. When we broke up, a guy chase me and I got pregnant but the guy leave me. My ex told me he wanted us to get back together, but when he find out that I am pregnant, everything turned upside down. Now he is flirting to some other girls. I lose him, totally. I still want him.. I still want a whole family but how.
You have to give him some time to see if he is able to eventually come to terms with the fact that you are pregnant with someone's else child and whether he still wants to be together in spite of that. If abortion is not an option here and you intend to keep the baby, unfortunately - the reality here is you don't really have a choice but to accept whatever his decision is at the end of the day, because every action has its underlying consequences. You will have to be prepared to live with those consequences since there's no undo button for our actions, even if those consequences ultimately turn out to be less than favorable.