Should I Text My Ex? Why the Hell Not?

It just felt wrong not to text her, you know. We texted each other every day. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. The last text always was either a heart emoji or a kiss emoji from both of us, no exception. But then, the breakup happened and everything just felt surreal.

How could I not text her? Every inch of my body was craving her. Like I am addicted to that see that heart emoji from her. Heck, even a smiley emoji would make me feel better.

So I did. Just a general how are you, WYD? We spoke briefly. Asked her how she was. And she asked me how I was. I said I was okay. Just grinding at work. When the conversation reached its end, I felt I had to take a chance and I sent a heart emoji. I knew I shouldn’t have, but it was our way of telling each other that she was in my heart. And even though we broke up, I wanted her to know she was still there.

I saw those three dots appear as she was typing something. I got my hopes up. But then, they disappeared. And she went offline.

That’s when I knew she was serious about it. I like to believe that for a moment she wanted to send back a heart emoji. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe I should have listened to all those TikTok reels and shouldn’t have texted her. Maybe ChatGPT would have talked me out of it.

But I think I needed that jolt to fully realize that she made an active choice to not keep me in her heart. At the time of the breakup, she said she fell out of love, but now, it felt like she was

And that’s okay. Like almost everyone out there, I had to go through my own heartbreak journey and figure things out on my own. I came to the conclusion that it’s better that I don’t text my ex anymore. That it’s better that I let my mind and body get used to not texting her. Let go of my addiction and attachment to her.

It was not easy by any means. But I had that last text exchange to remind me that she chose to stay broken up. And I used that to power through in times of desperation.

If you are wondering whether or not you should text your ex, all I will say is that everyone’s situation is different. And maybe you need to text them one last time to get some clarity, but for most cases, it’s better to just not text your ex. It’s always better to wait and take your time to heal. We feel a bit of desperation as if there is only a limited window of time before you lose your ex for good. But that is just your mind playing tricks on you. A text will not change their mind. No matter how carefully you word it. There is no hurry and it’s always better to focus on yourself instead of texting your ex.

And if you do text them, be cautious and manage your expectations.

Note: The above experience was provided by Dave, a forum user and an old reader. Kevin’s article continues below.

Why you feel the urge to text your ex.

The urge to text an ex is as natural as anything gets. You were together. Your mind and body sees your ex as yours. Even if you both know that you are not right for each other, our minds don’t work that way. We can’t just think our way out of an attachment.

Attachment is formed deep in the neurons of our brains. Heck, I can argue it’s formed in every cell in your body. Because when you crave an ex, every cell in your body craves them and misses them. For some, it’s so bad that they even contemplate ending their life.

I know suicide is a sensitive subject but I just want to put it out there that if you feel that way, it’s absolutely okay. It’s normal. It’s common. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just don’t act on it. And get help or speak to someone if it gets overwhelming.

Okay, back to texting an ex.

So our mind and body crave a connection with our ex. We convince ourselves that we just want to know how they are doing, we just want to show them that we still care, we want to leave the window of reconciliation open, we don’t want them to move on… and so on and so forth.

But the fact is, we crave an ex the same way a drug addict craves drugs. We go through withdrawal because our romantic partners become our source of dopamine, oxytocin and all those feel good chemicals that make life beautiful.

But, a breakup is such a weird and disruptive social phenomenon, that it takes it all away in a second. It just turns our lives upside down.

And our mind is just trying to convince us to not believe in the breakup and just hope that we will get back together. And maybe a text would lead to that.

Our minds create so many scenarios and possibilities to try to convince us and text our ex. And yes, some of those make sense. But most don’t.

Should I Text My Ex?

While a lot of people are very adamant about never ever texting an ex, it’s still a very personal decision. 

Yes, it’s true that a lot of exes can make you feel bad about you when you text them. Especially if you have a lot of expectations from them. Even more so if you are desperate to get them back. Which is why for most people, it’s best to just not text your ex.

But for some situations, it’s okay to text an ex. For example, if you just want to be kind to them, have something genuine and meaningful to say or you have to talk about a shared responsibility.

If you hope to get them back, it’s best to text your ex only after you have healed and you are no longer needy or desperate to get your ex back. You should text your ex only if you think you can handle a rejection from your ex.

That really kind of sums it up.

But the mind of someone who is going through a breakup and is hoping to text their ex is finicky and quite convincing. It will create scenarios and question every decision you make.

So I figured the best way to talk to your mind (that wants to text your ex) is to talk to it in a way it is used to thinking.

Creating scenarios of texting your ex and giving you outcomes based on real life similar scenarios. 

For this article to make sense, understand that people want to text an ex at different times for different reasons after a breakup. For example, if the breakup happened recently, you would want to text them desperately in hopes that they weren’t serious about the breakup. But as time goes by, you may want to text them just to get some sort of closure or a glimmer of hope that they may come back.

Let’s begin

Scenario 1 – You text hoping it would lead to them confessing their mistake and want you back.

On the forefront, it’s just a casual text asking them how they are doing. But at the back of your mind, you hope that this casual seemingly innocent conversation will somehow turn into them confessing their love for you and asking to get back together. This usually happens when the breakup is fresh. You hope for something like this –

But what actually happens is this.

The truth is, when your mind desperately wants your ex back, it always hopes that every interaction with your ex would lead to getting back together.

It hopes that your ex will finally give you that apology that you felt you deserved. That they will give you the affection that you craved for so long. That they will finally appreciate how much effort you put in the relationship. How much you sacrificed for them. How much you cared for them. And that they will finally realize that they will never find someone like you again.

But it rarely happens.

It’s because every casual conversation that you initiate sort of reeks of desperation and neediness. Even though on the surface you are just asking them how you are, think of the context here.

Your ex has made it clear that they want a breakup. And maybe you’ve begged or tried convincing them before. So every subsequent text just feels more like a subtle attempt to get them back.

As a result, it just pushes them away. It makes them feel like you are chasing them. And that makes them want to put up their defenses even more.

And when they become cold or give you a negative response, it just hurts even more. Because the more your mind builds you with hope, the harder the crash when it doesn’t work.

Scenario 2 – You decide to beg and plead with your ex to get back together.

“This is a big mistake. I love you so much. I don’t think I can live without you. Please can we just talk about it. If you give me just one chance I will prove to you that I can be who you want. Please, just give me one chance. Just one.”

This scenario again usually happens immediately after the breakup for the person who feels rejected. The truth is, rejection hurts. It’s like a direct attack on your self-worth and self-esteem. And us humans are very fragile and simplistic in nature. 

Instead of taking a moment to realize that their rejection isn’t a reflection of your self-worth but a reflection of their priorities; we just tend to blame ourselves, put ourselves down and just sacrifice whatever self-respect we have for a chance of a supposed redemption.

But from your ex’s point of view, it just feels like you are someone with no self respect.

The truth is, they have already made a decision to break up with you. And they are prepared to go through your begging or pleading. 

If begging worked after a breakup, no one would ever break up with anyone.

So any texts you send your ex with the intention of begging them to take you back is just going to make you feel worse and make your ex value you less than before.

Situation 3 – Showering your ex with love and affection with the intention of getting them back.

Your mind eventually convinces you to just confess your undying love to your ex. After all, love is pure, love is magic and love solves everything. 

This world is a cold and selfish place. Once they realize how pure and selfless your love is for them, they will have no other option but to come back. Right?

Wrong!

The truth is, your ex knows how much they love you and they still chose to break up with you.

In most cases, lack of love isn’t the reason for a breakup. Because in most cases, love simply is not enough to make a relationship work.

A relationship requires trust, respect, communication, honesty, and effort from both partners to work. Love can be a strong foundation of a relationship, but without other elements, it’s just not enough.

So your ex also probably loves you, but they will still choose to stay broken up because this changes nothing.

At best, your ex will feel a little bit good about the fact that you still love them. It may give them an ego boost and relief that you will be there waiting for them in case they want you back in the future. And they will say something like this – 

At worst, it will make them feel guilty for leaving you and it may result in them being mean and cold.

In either case, you are going to feel hurt because you had hoped that this would change your mind. And anything other than your ex changing their mind will feel like a rejection that will again hurt you.

Situation 4 – Texting them out of pure anger or hatred

Expressing your anger is generally a healthy thing. But the way you express your anger after a breakup usually just leads to a back and forth that rarely ever leads to something positive.

In most cases, you and your ex will just stop speaking to each other with a bitter taste in your mouth about each other. And as time goes by and your anger subsides, you may even regret saying some of the things you said.

If you feel angry and a need to tell your ex how much they’ve wronged you, do yourself a favor and give yourself some time to process the anger. Don’t just suppress it down though. Write things down in a journal, talk to ChatGPT or a therapist and try your best to let things go on your own.

If you still have something to say after enough time has passed and your anger has subsided, only then think about texting them.

Situation 5 – Texting your ex to try to make them jealous (and maybe get them back)

There are different versions of this. Some people sent a subtle text just implying that they went on a date, such as “Hey, I went to a [romantic movie] with a friend yesterday. It was awesome. You should see it.”

While others post TikTok reels of getting ready for a date.

In all cases, it’s just an attempt to make your ex jealous. And more often than not, it works ….. temporarily.

Your ex will most likely get jealous, especially if the breakup is fresh. But it’s going to make you look like an immature child who plays mind games.

In the short term, it’s going to make your ex react (not respond). A reaction is something we do out of emotions without thinking. A response comes from a place of understanding and intent.

In most cases, a reaction from an ex is that of jealousy or an attempt of their own to make you jealous leading to a game of chicken amongst two immature children.

Over the long term, you will both crash out from the emotional exhaustion this brings. You will either both have an honest conversation of how you both are still in love with each other but still don’t know how to communicate. Or you will just stop talking to each other with bitterness and resentment towards each other.

Situation 6 – Texting To Finally Give Them a Piece of Your Mind and Say What You Really Think

This is a scenario that usually happens after some time has passed. You have taken some time to think things through and the things your ex said or did during the relationship just don’t make sense to you. The more you think about it, the more you want to say everything to your ex.

As you understand the breakup more, you blame your ex more for the things they did. And a part of you really wants them to know what you know now.

You write and rewrite this amazing piece of insightful text that explains everything your ex is and everything you are so eloquently. You check it 100 times and then you send it to them.

Your hope is that it will make them do some introspection and they will eventually come back. And even if it doesn’t, you will at least know you said what you needed to say.

But in most cases, all you get in return is something like this – 

The truth is, most people don’t want introspection forced upon them. Heck, your ex may just have broken up with you because the relationship was leading to a place that was uncomfortable for them and that may require them to introspect.

And a response like that will surely make you feel a little bit rejected.

But the good news is that you said what you really wanted to say. So at least, you will have some sort of closure knowing that there is nothing left to say.

As a side note, if you want your ex back, messages like this almost never work. You can make an ex introspect but only after they have shown some interest in wanting to get back together. And more importantly, if you are the one who wants them back, you need to make it easier for them to get back together (not harder.) I explain this in my free report that teaches you the 3 feelings your ex needs to feel before they come back. And “I need to do a lot of introspection and change myself” is rarely one of those feelings.

Situation 7 – Just Checking In With Your Ex To See How They Are (With minimum expectations and caution)

Suppose a lot of time has passed and you are genuinely curious about your ex. Or suppose you find out your ex had a health issue and they are recovering from an illness. Maybe you heard that a relative or a close friend of your ex’s passed away recently. Or perhaps your ex had a major event in their life such as a big achievement or good success.

All these things can make you genuinely want to check up on your ex. Emphasis on the word “genuine”. Sure, there is always a bit of expectation that things have changed and that maybe this interaction can lead to you both getting back together. But those expectations are minimum and you are being cautious and protecting yourself.

In such situations, a simple message can actually lead to a meaningful conversation that at best, may provide you some closure and at worst may just lead to a pleasant conversation.

For example,

And again, the key over here is the intention behind why you are checking up on your ex. There really is no need to overthink it. Here’s a simple flowchart – 

Are you reaching out because you secretly hope that this interaction will lead to getting back together or a closure?

Yes -> Don’t text them.

No -> Continue to next question

Are you genuinely interested in how your ex is doing right now?

Yes -> Go ahead and text them

No -> Don’t text them

Situation  8 – Texting your ex casually after a few months (with a hidden intention of getting back together)

This is what a lot of people do when they want an ex back. They don’t contact their ex for a fixed period of time (such as 30 days). And then they send a casual text to reconnect.

The reason most people do this is because they hope to fly under the radar and hope that their ex would start talking to them and get back together.

This is actually what a lot of YouTube and TikTok breakup experts teach because it seems like a logical way to get an ex back.

But the truth is that such an interaction can make an ex feel awkward and make you feel like crap if things don’t go the way you expected. It’s especially true if you have not taken the time to heal from the breakup, raise your self esteem and be more confident in yourself.

It doesn’t help if you spend that entire no contact period planning your next moves instead of making a genuine effort to heal, introspect and grow as a person.

Here’s what a lot of people end up texting their ex. This is what I call a memory text – 

Such a text can actually lead your ex to replying and then to an eventual conversation. And yes, sometimes exes get back together after reconnecting in such a way.

But, a lot of times it doesn’t work out the way you expected. An ex can start off excited about receiving a text from you, but then become cold slowly in the following days as you try to keep in touch.

This is because your intentions of reaching out are unclear and it can lead to miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Regardless, texting your ex in such a way is usually not as harmful to your or your ex’s emotional state. This is because such a text is only recommended after a long period of no contact.

However, if you have extremely high expectations from such a text, and you have not healed at all from the breakup, then such a text can lead to a very negative emotional impact for you. So be very cautious if you choose to text your ex like this.

Situation  9 – Texting Your Ex with a genuine desire to reconnect after enough space and time 

This one is a little bit controversial on the internet because a lot of internet forums and Youtube Gurus tell you that you should never ever text your ex. Unfortunately, their advice usually comes with a hint of waiting for your ex to text first.

I talk a lot about it in my article on texting your ex after no contact.

But the gist of it is this. If you have taken enough time to heal, given your ex enough time, and are genuinely coming from a place of confidence, then it’s okay to text your ex expressing your desire to reconnect.

The worst that could happen is your ex will say no. Which, if you have taken time to heal, does not affect you negatively as you are mentally prepared for that outcome.

And the best that could happen is you both reconnect, meetup and if you both see a potential there, then get back together.

The key here is – 

• Enough space and time – Ideally implementing the no contact rule for at least 30 days, preferably two months.
• Actually healing from the breakup – You should no longer feel like your ex is your world or that you will not be able to live without them. You should have healed and accepted this breakup.
• A genuine insight into what went wrong the first time – That means knowing that the issues that lead to the breakup can be fixed.
• A genuine attempt to fix your side of the mistakes – For example, if you sucked at communication, you have learned to communicate better.
• A willingness to rebuild on strong foundations – Foundations such as trust, honesty, respect along with love for each other.

If all of that rings true with you, a reach out explaining that you have accepted the breakup and why you would like to reconnect can lead to the starting of a relationship with strong foundations.

Of course, you should still be cautious and have minimum expectations to protect yourself from unnecessary hurt.

And again, there is a chance your ex won’t respond as you expect and it may cause some temporary pain. But if you genuinely wanted to reconnect, you will be happy that you at least made an attempt and it will bring you some closure knowing you tried.

I give you five examples of such a text in my bonus 5 Elephant in the Room Texts.