Sherry: After my breakup, I was obsessed with the average statistics of exes reaching out. It gave me hope at that time and I felt he would also reach out at one point. For context, he dumped me because of life stress and he said he just isn’t in love with me anymore.
But now, I am at that “average” mark and he has not reached out. It’s making me feel hopeless again and I don’t know what to do. Do you think he will ever reach out to me Kevin?
Kevin: To those wondering, these average statistics are 2.52 months according to one coach and 5.2 months according to another. They both claim to have conducted studies but don’t provide data or the methodology. Regardless, I’ve found these average numbers to be reasonably true because according to a study we conducted on 3512 people, people tend to get back together between 1-6 months after the breakup.
But, and it’s a big but, not all exes reach out. They are, after all, human beings with complex and unpredictable emotions and choices.
The problem with these average statistics is that they incentivize you to wait for your ex to reach out. It’s like telling a child that their parents will come back and show them love if they behave well. The child will absolutely want to believe it and will wait for their parents.
The way we crave an ex to come back is sort of similar to the way a child craves their parents. It’s an emotional attachment, a strong bond, and our sub conscious mind correlates it to survival. As a result, it can hold on to any hope any one can give you.
So hope is not a bad thing. But since you are an adult, I recommend you try to shift your hope to what you can control.
And for most cases, that means focusing on healing and moving on from the breakup instead of just waiting for your ex to come back.
And if you still want them after you’ve healed, you can even choose to reach out yourself instead of waiting for them to reach out first. Yes, it’s really not that big of a deal who reaches out first. You are after all, an adult and regardless of what someone says, life isn’t a game of tennis.
For Sherry, that hope of her returning after the “average” period was holding her back. And when it didn’t happen, she felt discouraged and hopeless because she thought nothing is in her control.
However, if you choose to keep moving forward, and build the hope around things you can control, you would make progress much faster and in a much healthier way.
For instance, she could choose to set life goals for herself and her healing journey. Or she could choose to do no contact for a certain period of time before deciding whether or not she would like to reconnect with her ex.
This isn’t just me who is saying that. People whose exes have come back and are happily married also advise this. One of our forum members shared her story which is enlightening.
Lizgrim: It’s been a little over a year since he “left” me and started his bullshit over the Summer.
We’ve been together exclusively since September and we got married in March… He seems to have completely changed and it feels like I’m with a brand new person and that I’m a brand new person.
Our relationship is entirely different than it was.
My only complaint is that the memories are still there. I still think of the things he said and the things he did. I think of how awfully manipulative he was. I think of all the pain and the hurt and it makes me want to run. Which is crazy because a year ago I just wanted him back and now I feel like I want to move across the country and change my name forever so he can never find me. It’s a passing feeling. Usually lasts a few minutes and then I go on with my life. But it’s painful. So if your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband comes back to you, just make sure you feel like you’ve done everything you need to get over it.
And definitely don’t sit at home crying waiting for them to come back. Don’t put your life on hold. Go out and explore. Do stuff. Kiss whoever you want. Fuck whoever you want. That’s my regret. That I stayed home and waited for him. That I spent an entire summer letting him affect me. That I wasted months of my life I will never get back. The only reason he came back was because I moved out. Because I moved on. Because I wasn’t staying at home for him anymore. He was terrified of losing me and I made sure he knew he wasn’t going to have me anymore with someone else in his life. I know this won’t work for everyone. I know every relationship is different but I truly think no matter what, you need to focus on yourself. Get a hair cut. Work out. Enjoy your life without them.
Why does it take months for an ex to come back?
It’s simply because of the way our minds are wired.
There are two factors here – the attachment they have towards you and their free will (which is affected by their personality).
First let’s talk about the attachment. When an attachment is formed in our brain, our brain literally rewires to see that person as our own. So when they are not with us, we miss them and crave for them. This is why breakups are so painful. And I think it’s fair to say that it’s involuntary. That means even if you don’t want to miss your ex, you are going to miss them.
But other psychological factors also go into this based on whether the breakup was wanted or unwanted.
For the person who didn’t want the breakup – this craving comes immediately after the breakup. And it’s so severe that it has been studied to be similar to that of drug withdrawal.
But for the person who wanted the breakup – this craving doesn’t come immediately for many reasons. Sometimes they have a resolve to stick to their decision, a huge ego, excitement to be single again, being prepared mentally for the breakup, if they feel they can have you whenever they want, cultural factors, or their attachment style (if it’s an avoidant).
The second factor, i.e. their personality and their free will plays a much more important role here. Quite simply, your ex may miss you terribly and choose not to come back. On the other hand, your ex may be bored and decide to come back just to have fun while playing with your emotions.
It all depends on what they choose to do and what their values are. While most of the time an ex will start missing you terribly within 2-3 months mark if you give them space, there’s simply no guarantee that they will come back.
Other Perspectives on Exes Coming Back
As you explore the internet, you will find many other perspectives on this. Here’s my take on them –
1. Exes always come back (or do so most of the time) – It’s simply not true. All the reliable studies put the numbers somewhere between 20% to 50% of exes come back. But more importantly, believing your ex will surely come back is a path to denial, thus delaying your healing.
2. Exes Never Come Back and You Should Move On – While believing this can be a good strategy to move on, this is also not true. Because sometimes exes do come back. Believing this can also put you in a vulnerable position if your ex does come back and you aren’t mentally prepared for them. It leaves you open to being taken advantage of by an ex who does not have good intentions.
3. Exes Only Come Back When They Don’t Have a Better Option – While true in some cases, a lot of exes do genuinely regret their decision and have good intentions. Plus, even if someone comes back after exploring other options, it’s okay to try getting back together provided they have grown and matured.
4. Exes Who Come Back Will Use You and Leave You Again – This is true for around 50% of the cases. Because a lot of people don’t change and repeat the same patterns. It’s especially true for narcissist abuse cycles and people with avoidant attachment styles. This is why it’s important to build yourself up and educate yourself on relationship patterns so you can recognize when it happens to you.
An Ex Reaching Out Does Not Always Mean an Ex coming back
In my analysis, I found that around 62% of ex’s reach out at one point or another after a breakup. But not all of those reach out attempts lead to getting back together.
So if you start doing no contact and give your ex space, there’s a decent chance your ex will reach out. But be mindful that them reaching out should not be misinterpreted as a desire to reconcile.
If you are in doubt, just ask your ex directly if they are interested in getting back together. If not, then continue moving forward with your life. Here are some reasons an ex can reach out but still not be interested in getting back together.
- If they are missing you but they still think breakup was a healthy decision.
- If they want to see whether or not you are still needy and desperate to get them back. Whether or not they have you as a backup.
- If they want to hook you in emotionally just so you don’t move on from them (also known as bread crumbing).
- If they want to express anger or a grudge they have been holding for you.
Regardless of their intentions, if an ex reaches out, it’s best to act in a calm and mature manner. Listen to them and speak to them if it feels right. But don’t let them disrespect you or drag you along. And don’t automatically assume they want to get back together.
Remember, your self-respect and emotional health is far more important than getting your ex back.
If you feel you have healed, have thought it through and are ready to reconnect with them, then you can choose to talk about getting back together or just ask them to meet so you can both catch up.
An Ex Coming Back Does Not Always Mean a Healthy Relationship or a Happy Ending
Unfortunately, almost 50% of people who get back together break up again. And the reason for this, in most cases, is because they repeat the same patterns over and over again.
Such relationships are known as on/off relationships and they have been proven to be unhealthy for people over the long term.
So if your ex comes back, and you find yourself repeating the same patterns, then it’s best to just call it off as soon as possible and move on from your ex. Breaking up more than once is a big sign of you both not being compatible and the sooner you accept it, the healthier it is for you.
Here are some scenarios where you should be very careful of an ex coming back –
1. If your relationship had elements of abuse, you should not entertain any communication from your ex. It’s best to ignore them and block them. (If you suspect there was abuse, check out this resource from Healthline )
2. If your relationship was toxic in other ways, then you should strongly consider not speaking to your ex. But if you still want them back after no contact, then you should make sure you have healed and have a strong support system in place before texting your ex. Chances are, without a proper support system, you will go back to the same old toxic patterns as before.
3. If you suspect your ex was a Narcissist, or extremely manipulative; then you should make sure you do no contact for at least three months. In addition, I recommend that you go on at least 2-3 dates before making a decision to let your ex back into your life.
What Should You Do If You Have Healed and Your Ex Hasn’t Reached Out?
On the flip side, suppose you have taken the time to heal from the breakup and have spent months working on yourself and becoming a better person. Suppose you have taken the time to really think about it and you are sure you have potential for a healthy relationship with your ex. But your ex still hasn’t reached out.
What do you do?
Well, you simply reach out to your ex and express your desire to reconnect.
Remember, waiting for an ex doesn’t mean waiting indefinitely. If your ex is interested in reconnecting with you but they need more time, then they will just let you know.
Don’t turn it into a game of chicken. Don’t turn it into a game of who reaches out to whom. And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter whose court the ball is in.
Love is patient. But love is not a game.
So don’t turn it into a game. If you have something to say, say it with honesty and clarity. But keep your head high and be willing to walk away if they are not on the same page.
I talk about it more in this article on reaching out to an ex and the 4th step of my 5 step plan.
How Long Should I Wait for My Ex to Come Back?
Like I said above, waiting for an ex to come back is a flawed concept. If you are waiting for something to happen on its own, you are kind of wasting your time. Doesn’t it make more sense to be proactive and prepare yourself for the best and worst outcomes?
If you want your ex back, it’s better to be proactive about it and take action.
You should wait after a breakup, but not for your ex to come back. Here are the things you should wait for,
- You should wait to heal from the breakup.
- You should wait to regain your confidence after the breakup.
- You should wait to calm down so you are no longer needy or desperate.
- You should wait until you have figured out the root cause of the breakup.
- You should wait until you have figured out how to fix what was broken.
- You should wait until you figured out if getting your ex back is a healthy decision for you.
Once you feel you are ready, you should reach out to your ex and try win them back. If it doesn’t work out, you just cut your losses and move on. Here are a few articles I recommend you read that will help you understand this concept more.
Recommended Reading: 9 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back [And You Are Not in Denial]
Recommended Reading: Should You Try To Get Your Ex Back – 6 Steps To Find Out
Recommended Reading: I Miss My Ex: Why And How Do I Stop It?
Recommended Quiz: Find Out Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back In a Healthy Relationship By Taking This Quiz
How To Deal With Rejection if My Ex Never Comes Back?
For starters, your entire strategy for trying to get your ex back should be to reach to a place where you are okay with not getting your ex back.
And that means moving forward with your life after the breakup. Healing from it. Accepting it. And becoming a better version of yourself.
It’s realizing you are worth more than your ex’s boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s realizing that you have value as a person and that you don’t need your ex to be happy. That you deserve to be loved. That you deserve a healthy relationship.
By the time you come to a point where you are sure you and your ex won’t get back together, you have already healed. So even though it will hurt, you are still going to be okay because you will know you tried your best and that you are still the wonderful amazing person that deserves healthy love and a happy relationship.
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan
How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up – In 5 Stages
What Are Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back Quiz? [Recommended Test]
Conclusion
If you want to get your ex back, your aim should be to get back in a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. And to do that, you must take some time apart and focus on yourself for a while.
Yes, you should wait after a breakup before trying to get an ex back. But you should be waiting for the right reasons. Waiting is not a mind game that makes your ex wants you back. Waiting after a breakup is meant to help you get some perspective and grow as a person. When you feel you have healed from the breakup and grown enough, you reach out to your ex in a certain way so you can start the process of re-attracting an ex.
Recommended Readings:
How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan
How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up – [Gamified Plan]
Find Out Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back with This Quiz [Highly Recommended]
Art of Using Texts To Get your Ex Back [With 53 Examples]
Should You Try To Get Your Ex Back – 6 Steps To Find Out
Note: This article is also available in German.
Hi,
I've found your article really useful thank you. My boyfriend of over 2years broke up with me 3 days ago. He is under tremendous pressure at work and suffers from bad mood swings. When things are good he is incredibly loving, caring & affectionate but about once a month he is prone to 'stonewalling' me and can get very grumpy and mean.
He said he had planned to propose before Christmas but had not found the right opportunity, this year however he hadn't felt as certain and doesn't want to waste my time. We are both 36 and would like children at some point.
Recently, he has reignited a dream he had to live & work in the Middle East and we were due a discussion on this. He knows I have close family/ friend ties here and that I would not be keen (although I would have considered a compromise.)
We both cried when we talked and he was very tender and listened to everything I had to say. He said he wished he had taken me up on talking things through before. I had suggested counselling in the past but he was resistant. He said he was sorry for the effect his moods had had on me. He opened up for the first time about deep seated hurt & anger he had regarding his childhood & family experiences.
The following morning he sent a very complimentary email beginning: 'Baby, I’m really sorry about how things have turned out. Please know that I love you and today is one of the saddest days of my life.' He wrote that everything I said had resonated with him and I had been right. He also promised to seek out therapy to manage his anger. However, it ended 'I really believed in our relationship and I love you very much. Ultimately, I think we want some very different things in life and I couldn’t make the commitment we both needed to keep going. I hope I don’t end up regretting that. '
I responded the next day with an equally caring email, but clarified my hope for 'commitment' was not wanting to get engaged right now, just wanting to grow as a partnership, which I felt we had been.
I wished him well in his plans but did add I was available if he wanted to talk (as he had done at the end of his message.)
Ironically we got together during a period of NC I had put in place for a previous relationship, so I know how effective it can be to help you move on.
I do truly love him, do you feel I have done all I can? And, if I implement NC will it be effective with a man who is struggling to open up as it is?
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Hey Jenny,
Yes, I do think no contact can be effective. I think you've handled the breakup well and you do have a chance of reconciliation.
Many thanks for such a quick response Kevin. It is heartening to hear someone objective say I've handled it well. I'll do NC and keep you informed.
Hi Kevin, just an update & a little advice if you can! Been very strict with NC and implemented lots of positive changes: hair cut, personal trainer, keeping busy socially & pushing forward with work goals. I've even started seeing a councillor to help me process the breakup. Its been nearly 3 weeks now & apart from initially 'liking' & commenting on my facebook wall pictures a week in, he has not made efforts to contact me. I saw him at the tube station the other day (thank goodness I looked good!) He didn't know I'd seen him 1st, so the ball was in his court, but he didn't approach me. I've also (politely) put off requests from his friends (girls) to meet up as thought it would seem bit creepy. Apart from the odd tears, I'm feeling much more positive about my life & wondering if he was right for me after all. I guess my question is, why has he not contacted/ avoided me? And when the 30 days is up do I contact him or still leave it to him? Many thanks for any advice you can give!
Hey Jenny,
Congrats on the progress you've made. There can be many reasons for him to not contact you. It could be out of ego, fear, confusion or perhaps he is applying no contact as well. There isn't any point in trying to figure out why he is not contacting you. If he doesn't contact you by the end of 30 days and you are absolutely sure you want him back, then you should get back in touch with him.
Hey Kevin, your website has helped me so much, my boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and I feel like I have died on the inside. He ended it after 2 years as he said he loved me and I was his best friend, but he wasn't 'inlove' with me, he also felt like we were too young (I'm 19 he's 20) to be this 'settled/comfortable' in a relationship, we ended on good terms but we have spoken twice since we broke up- on the day it happened (I stupidly called him while I was drunk clubbing with friends that night) and then I messaged him the day after apologizing for being a mess the night before and to thank him for giving me such a beautiful first love etc, anyway, my question is- my boyfriend essentially is the one who suggested no talking for atleast a month, which I agreed to, but i was wondering do I still treat the no contact period the same? For example, should I be the first one to make contact or should I wait for him? We ended on good terms and I don't want to mess that up an ruin any future chance on us having a relationship- he said he know's we'll be friends in the future and he even said never say never and there's always a chance we could happen again, But I'm trying not to let myself have any expectations about the future as I know it will make getting over him that much harder, thanks for listening
Yes, you treat no contact the same. Ideally, you want them contacting you, but there is no harm in you making contact first.
My BF said we needed to take a step back and he needs some space. He has a lot going on and is unsure what he wants in life. He is currently getting a new job that pays less, and his roommate is moving out soon, and he is on call also for a different job. I am currently very busy with school. He said it wasn't fair that he was stringing me along when he didn't know what he wanted. I feel like I was too needy and I pushed him away, I always wanted to hang out or do something. So we texted and I asked if he cared for me and he said and he said yea of course, then I said if he wants to try again we could. He said lets see how things are after I get settled. So I pretty much said goodbye then he said lets keep talking. So I asked straight out if there was a chance of us in the future and he said he didn't know that's why he wanted the break. Then I said if you wanna say no you can, then he said youre pissing me off lol. so we stopped texting. three days later he text me asking how I was, and I responded but with short messages and not right away. then the next day he text me at night asking if I was awake. I said yeah im with friends. he said oh I see. I said yeah whats up? he said its late, you are usually sleeping by now. I said I don't have school tomorrow, he said oh. then I asked whats up? (cause why would he text me this late when I would normally be sleeping?) he said he just wanted to say hi. so I said hi :) then he said lol. three days later I asked if he was done working nights and he said I hope. now I haven't heard from him in about a week. I know i shouldn't have text him first, but now i am not gonna text him first. what do you think all this means? Think there is any chance for us?
Yes, there is a chance for you. He was simply missing you and wanted to talk to you. It's very common after a breakup. Follow the 5 step plan.
So one night I was drinking and I text him. I asked if there was really any chance of us in the future because he has to have some idea. He said Yes I think there is, then a few :) I am now giving him some space and am gonna wait a few weeks to see how it goes.
All the best.
So he contacted me. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. He said he was thankful for the space and it made him realize what he had. So we met at his place and hung out for a little bit. He sat on the couch first so I sat about a foot away, he then moved closer and put his arm around me. and we talked and joked around like we use to. I didn't bring up the topic of us and how things are and what happened. He did say he missed me several times and when I left he hugged me and kissed me good bye and said have a good week. He usually now texts me every night. How should I go about with this? I am still really busy with school and graduate in less then 4 weeks. I got really focused on school when he needed the space and I did really well and want to keep doing well, but I don't want to loose him. Should I just take it one day at a time? I also notice now that he responds fast to my tests then he use too. And how to I address the subject of what we are to each other now?
Thanks
Don't bring up the topic of defining the relationship. At least not for a while. Let him chase you and concentrate on your school. Continue like this for a while. Let it be his idea to get back together.
What if both of us agreed to avoid each other?
Then you should avoid each other for a while and then contact your ex after that. After around 30 days of avoiding.
Few questions (happening with me)
1. What if the she starts dating a friend (who she knews has a crush on him and makes her feel special all the time)?
2. Later when i tell her that we should start our friendship from the scratch, she is like ya we can do that but after 2-3 months because anything happening in her life would affect me.
I wanted to be on NC for a month or so. But i think i have screwd it up by saying we should be friends (after 2-3 months).
What do i do ?
Start no contact for 2-3 months and then contact her after that. There is always a chance she will start dating someone else. If you try to stop her, it's only going to make her want to do it more.
Thanks for that super quick reply :)
Ya i should do that. I did the initial mistakes (crying begging pleading) on 3 occasions . She told me we are still friends but i said a NO , we can be friends but in future for which she suggested 2-3 months.
Hopefully things cool off at the end of NC. Meanwhile i have joined a gym , shifted to a new place with a friend .
But i am not sure if NC will work or not . If the negative things comes in her system , it stays there for a long long time . And now she is focussing only on the negative aspects of the relationship using a microscope. She has new sets of friends , who are there to prove that "good that you broke up" and 1 of the guy in her group likes her , and proposed her after he came to know about our breakup.Obviously she said a 'No' , but i am scared about this 2-3 months Kevin . He is constanly in touch with her 24*7 and makes her feel good all the time. I could have handled it if it was just a breakup, but this twist in this sad story has confused me. I am in NC for last 10 days. An i am kind of desperate to see her (we work in the same organization). Help me Kevin .
Thanks in advance.
Well, I think she will eventually stop concentrating on the negative. If you want, you can reduce no contact for one month (or three weeks). And then establish friendship with her after that.
Hi. I've been on many different sites , talk to friends and family but your sites and the advice you give to people are the only ones I have found true and helpful. Reading some of your replies have even made me stronger.
Iv been with my ex for 2 years we moved in together acouple of months ago. She has always been supportive and there for me even though I at times acted like an asahole. She came in to my life a week before I ended it with my girlfriend for 10 years. I was dealing with the fact that I wanted to be single and live my life. She put up with a lot of shit.
She finally got enough , called it quits and I moved out we talked and med up but it always ended in her saying that she loves me but she can't be with me she doesn't see any future with me. That when I stop by she feels happy and it's like we never broke up but as soon as I leave she starts to think about all the shit I've put her trough.
I tried no contact for a couple of days and she texted me and when I didn't reply she called. We talked casually. The next day she didn't call or anything the day after that I panicked started crying cuddent breathe so I went over to her she was very happy. We have been seeing eachother every day. I have been showing her that I'm willing to change not for her but for me so I never make the same mistakes again . Ahe has really felt it and I feel the change in me in my heart to . It's not at all to get her back.
But she is much colder and I get mixed feelings from her. I went out with my sister and her friends and then told her about it. She later texted me about it saying that she dozens want to hear who I go out with etc anymore. She says stuff like if we ever get back together it doesn't matter what her family thinks etc . That makes me think I have a shot but then she does says or acts like there is absolutely no possibility. I think she used to like the fact I was in charge and kind of hard to get. But then got tired of it and wanted me to be all about her . And I am but how do i do it with out being needy. We broke about five weeks ago and have been hanging out every day almost for the past to weeks but I'm not seeing any sign that she definitely wants to get back together . She also told me that when I broke up with her one time she didn't everything to get me back. She was in my face all the time to proves she loved me . But that was for a week this is 5 weeks and iv been trying everything. Should I do no contact?
I regret not putting her first and I think maybe that's was the problem and that's what I should do now, but how will I do that with out looking needy and desperate .becouse I'm not I just want to show her I love her and she comes before anything be the man I should have been that she believed I could be at one point.
Tell her that all of this is too much for you to handle emotionally and you need some space and time. then start no contact.
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago, we still talk daily but mostly because I'm begging pleading and just attention seeking, she's in a long distance relationship with someone in Dubai countries away, she says she no longer in love with me because of past behaviors of mine that she cant get past. I've ever cheated or anything, I just reacted poorly to situations and concerns she raised. however I've already begun to change before we broke up but she hangs on to everything and felt it best to leave, i do not feel like we are finished but she isn't giving me any room to prove it. Im doing everything I can with no success.
Chris, you gotta stop speaking to her every day and do no contact for a few weeks.
My ex moved on very quickly after we broke up. I still love her and not sure what to do.