Let’s face it, if your ex wanted you back, you would probably also think about getting back together with them.
Heck, you may even choose to wait for them while they get their act together and are ready to come back.
But the signs from your ex can be hard to interpret. And what may feel like a sign your ex wants you back, could just be a kind gesture from your ex.
If an ex is showing signs of wanting you back, it means that they are thinking about getting back together but are still not sure.
At this point of time, showing confidence and taking initiative by speaking to them about reconciliation can lead to both of you getting back in an awesome relationship.
However, keep in mind that you should only get back together if you are sure the relationship has a potential to be a healthy and awesome relationship.
Beware of Confirmation Bias (Or Wishful Thinking) When Looking For Signs of Your Ex Wanting You Back.
Dear Reader,
I know you may be going through a tough time right now. A part of you wants your ex back. And you want to know if your ex also wants you back. You may be on speaking terms with your ex. Or your ex and you may not be speaking at all. But still a part of you hopes that they want you back and will eventually come back.
It’s normal to feel this way. It’s normal to look for signs that your ex wants you back.
It’s normal to think about ways to get your ex back.
It’s normal to be confused about what your ex’s intentions are.
It’s normal to be confused about what you should do to get your ex back, to ease the pain of the breakup, to feel secure again, …….. to be happy again.
But I want you to be aware of something called confirmation bias as you read about these signs.
The fact is, if you are hoping that you and your ex will get back together, then you are more likely to believe the signs that confirm your hopes.
“Wishful thinking is a form of self-deception, such as false optimism.” advises Shahram Heshmat Ph.D., addiction specialist, on Psychology Today.
“Self-deception can be like a drug, numbing you from harsh reality or turning a blind eye to the tough matter of gathering evidence and thinking.”, he says.
Signs and their interpretation can be misleading. The truth only reveals itself to those who have the courage to seek it.
The harsh truth could be that your ex is over you, that they don’t want you back, or even worse they are stringing you along while dating someone else.
On the other hand, the truth could be that you are better off without your ex. The truth could be you will find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.
And in some cases, the truth could be that you and your ex will get back together in a relationship much stronger than before.
I am not trying to crush your hopes of getting your ex back. In fact, I want you to be hopeful and optimistic about your future. Your future may contain your ex, and it may not. In either case, I want you to know you are going to be healthy, happy and thriving.
As you are reading this article, I want you to be realistic about your chances.
I want you to try to accept the reality for what it is.
I want you to be brave enough to see things for what they are.
I want you to seek the truth… no matter how harsh it may seem.
And if the truth is that you and your ex deserve another chance, then I want you to have the courage and clarity to take action and go for it.
As you are looking for signs of your ex wanting you back, I also want you to look for ways to improve yourself, to become more confident, to gain acceptance and understanding. And if you still so desire, look for ways to get your ex back.
Don’t just hope that your ex will want you back or that they will return on their own. Focus on the things you can control. If you want them back, build up the courage, the confidence and the mindset to ask them back.
I have been helping people with breakups for around 13 years now and here are a couple of great resources to help you reduce some of the confusion and help you reach a point where you are confident enough to ask them back.
How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan – A step by step plan that gives a detailed guide to help.
Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Tough Questions To Help You Decide – A detailed guide to help you unpack your previous relationship and realize if it’s worth getting back together.
What Are The Chances You Will Get Back Together Quiz (Recommended) – A detailed quiz that helps determine your chances and subscribes you to a free email course that helps you heal from the breakup and get your ex back.
How To Know If your Ex Wants You Back?
If your ex wants you back, they will show a lot of similar signs as someone who is interested in dating you. They will call you more often, they will laugh at your jokes, their body language will be open and receptive and they will be eager to meet you or go on a date with you.
The best way to interpret if they want you back is by analyzing the way they communicate with you. The following signs are all based on the way your ex communicates with you.
1. Your Ex Talks About a Future With You In It
When your ex talks about their future with you in it, then this is a sign that they have been thinking about reconciliation. It means your ex still imagines their future with you in it. Your ex expects you to get back together with them in the near future.
If you find your ex doing this, reciprocate. Talk about the type of future you imagine with them. This is a desirable behavior and you should reward it. Of course, you have to find the fine line between rewarding them and becoming a creepy overly attached ex. For example, suppose they say something like
“I think it will be cool next year when we will both have finished college and have more time to hang out with each other”
An appropriate response will be.
“Yeah, it will be fun. I am looking forward to it.”
An inappropriate response will be.
“Yeah. Maybe we can even get married at that time and start planning to have children.”
2. Your Ex Talks About What Went Wrong In The Relationship
Notice, I said talk about the relationship. Not blame. After a breakup, exes always talk about what went wrong try to blame each other for relationship failure. You can understand the difference between someone genuinely wanting to figure out what went wrong so they can improve their future relationships and someone who just wants to blame their ex just to make themselves feel better.
If your ex wants to talk about what went wrong in the relationship, be sincere. But make sure you don’t cross the line into blaming. Use your words carefully and do not talk about their personality. It’s very easy to start talking about other people’s fault during such conversations. Refrain from doing so. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, try to end it immediately on a positive note. If you two had communication problems before, it’s a great time to show them that you can talk to each other about relationship problems without getting into an argument.
3.Your Ex Tries To Become a Better Person and Share It With You
If your ex is trying to improve themselves in the areas that could have been responsible for the breakup, then it’s a good sign that they want to get back together. However, this is not really a sure fire sign since this can also mean that they are just working on themselves for their own benefit or for their future relationship.
If they try to show you how much they’ve improved, congratulate them and continue speaking to them. Remember, you also need to heal from the breakup and improve yourself if you want a healthy relationship with your ex. Successful reconciliations happen because of self-improvement.
Again, it’s a behavior from your ex that you want to reward, so give them your proper attention and support. However, make sure you don’t go overboard and start showing signs of neediness and insecurity.
4. Your Ex Tries To Hide Their Dating Life
If your ex has been actively trying to hide their dating life from you, then this might be sign that they want to get back together in the future. Unless reconciliation is on their mind, they wouldn’t care about you finding out about their dating life.
But this is not a very strong sign as they may just be hiding their dating life because they don’t want to hurt you.
However, if they’re not dating, don’t take it as a sign that they are waiting for you. It could be that they are enjoying being single and working on moving on from the breakup.
If you suspect your ex is dating someone else, stay out of their personal life. Don’t stalk their Facebook trying to figure out what they are up to. Try to stay away from the gossips about your ex. Even if they are dating someone, you should not try to stop them because it’s probably just a rebound. (Read: How to get your ex back when he has moved on to a new girlfriend or get her back from her new boyfriend.)
Meanwhile, I will also recommend that you go out on a few dates as well. As I explained in this article about the no contact rule, it’s going to give you a much better perspective on life and your relationship.
5. Your Ex Talks About Good Memories With You
When your ex starts talking about the good times you had, then it can be a sign that they are thinking about getting back together. It certainly means that they miss you and the fun you had during the relationship.
Again, it’s a behavior you want to reward. You want to keep the conversation positive and you can try to insinuate that you are still that much fun and you still have a great time in your life, even without them. For example, suppose they say something like
“Remember the time we went to that little Mexican Restaurant on Lincoln Street. It was probably the best anniversary dinner we had. I got so drunk that night.”
An appropriate response would be.
“Lol. Yeah, it was a great night. You looked amazing. The waiter couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. In fact, I went to that place just last week with a friend of mine. We had so much fun. There was a Mariachi band this time. Haha.”
The message above rewards her behavior first by complimenting her. And then you insinuate that you are still having that much fun in your life. (Read this detailed guide on texting an ex to learn more about such conversations.)
Again, you have to be careful not to go overboard and act needy and desperate at any time (Read: It’s important having the right mindset after no contact).
6. Your Ex Contacts You More Frequently Than Before
This is not only a great sign that your ex misses you and still has feelings for you; it’s also a sign that your ex is possibly thinking about getting back together.
After a breakup, the frequency of communication between exes usually becomes less and less until one of them implements no contact or until it slowly fades away.
But if the frequency of your ex contacting you is increasing over time, then there is a good chance they are thinking about getting back together.
Remember, your ex contacting you once out of the blue may just be an isolated incident. But if they contact you frequently and the frequency increases, then it’s a good sign that they may want you back.
If you feel you and your ex have been talking a lot over the phone or texts, then it’s time to ask them out. Just say that you want to meet up or catch up over coffee. Try not to call it a date because it may put them off.
7. Your Ex Asks You Out
If you and your ex have been talking and your ex asks you out to meet you, then there is a good chance they are thinking about getting back together.
Of course, if they have already said that they are not interested in getting back together and only want to meet up as friends, then you should be cautious.
When you meet up, keep your expectations in check. The most important thing you can do in such a meetup is show maturity,
Remember, all of these signs, despite some of them being pretty obvious are still just signs. Your ex’s behaviour can be confusing after a breakup. It could be that one minute they are thinking of getting back together and the next they become completely cold. Do not let your ex’s confusing behaviour interfere with your peace of mind. You want your ex, but your happiness and peace of mind is far more important than reconciliation. So always put yourself first.
I highly recommend you read the 5 step plan to get your ex back or this guide on getting your ex girlfriend back with objectives (it’s free) if you haven’t already done so. It will tell you step-by-step what to do get your ex back and keep them permanently.
8. Your Ex’s Body Language is More Than Friendly When You Meet Them
If you and your ex have been meeting, you can always get a sense of how attracted your ex is towards you based on their body language. According to Vanessa Van Edwards from Science of People, men and women tend to show slightly different variation of signs when they are interested in someone romantically.
For ex boyfriends who want their ex girlfriends back, expect body language signs like
- He leans towards you as you speak.
- He may put their arms around you or on the chair you are sitting on.
- He will touch you at every opportunity he gets.
- He rubs his chin or the back of his neck.
- He becomes more expressive when talking to you.
For ex girlfriends who want their ex boyfriends back, expect body language signs like
- She exposes her neck.
- She touches her lips.
- Her voice becomes more feminine around you.
- She touches her hair frequently.
- She looks up at you while tilting her chin down.
Others Signs That Mean Your Ex Will Want You Back (Not Based on Communication Patterns)
There are some signs that can be used to find out if your ex wants you back. But these signs aren’t really based on the communication patterns between you and your ex. Rather, they are based on what statistics say about your ex’s personality, their attachment type and their history of dating.
1. Your ex has an anxious attachment type. According to a study published in Sage Journal, people with anxious attachment style are more likely to want to reunite with their ex partners. Note that the study also suggests that these people want to do so because they feel “incomplete” without their ex partners. Because they feel they’ve lost themselves after the breakup and they don’t know who they are. It’s not necessarily a great reason to get back together.
2. You and Your ex have a history of breaking up and getting back together. If you and your ex tend to break up often and get back together again, then there is a good chance it will happen again. Your ex will probably want you back sooner or later. But such relationships are stressful and definitely not good for your mental health. If it’s you, I highly recommend you implement the no contact rule and think things through before making the decision to get back together.
3. You are both young and were in an intense relationship. There have been some studies that show that young individuals (less than the age of 25) are more likely to follow the patterns of an on/off relationships. If you are young and stay in close proximity of your ex, then there is a good chance they will eventually want you back.
4. Your ex doesn’t have a good support system. People who don’t have a good support system (such as friends, family, therapist, coach, or a support group) tend to want their ex back sooner or later. This is simply due to the fact that they feel lonely and find it harder to heal from the breakup and process what happened. As a result, they tend to want to get back together with their ex after a few weeks or months.
5. Men have a slightly higher tendency to want their ex back than women do. This kind of tied to the previous point of not having a good support system after the breakup. A lot of men tend to be emotionally suppressive and don’t really process the breakup in a meaningful way. And women usually have a good support system to help them heal from the breakup and move on. As time goes by, women heal from the breakup and men tend to want their ex back.
Don’t lose hope though. These signs are mostly statistics based. That means they are not set in stones. Moreover, as you can see below, signs can often be misinterpreted and are not a reliable indicator of what will happen between you and your ex. So take everything with a grain of salt.
Signs that can be misinterpreted as your ex wanting you back.
Like I said before, there are a lot of signs that are usually misinterpreted as your ex wanting you back. The following signs may mean that your ex has feelings for you, miss you or that they are thinking about you; but they are not strong signs and you should not get ahead of yourself and ask your ex to get back together.
- Your ex contacting you once out of the blue.
- Your ex staying in touch with your friends or family.
- Your ex liking your post on social media or Instagram.
- Your ex posting a lot of stuff on their social media.
- Your ex showing a lot of anger or extreme emotions.
- Your ex being hot and cold. (It may be a sign of your ex being confused about you, but it doesn’t mean they want you back yet.)
- Your ex wishing you on your birthday or some special occasion.
- Your ex reaching out just to see how you are.
- Your ex reaching out after months or years of no contact. (It may be a sign they are interested or curious about you. But not necessarily a sign that they want you back.)
Are There Signs That Your Ex Wants You Back But Won’t Admit it?
Yes, in certain situations, your ex may want you back but is afraid to admit it. These signs are similar to the signs I listed out above.
If they have been showing these signs for a long time (more than two weeks) and they have not yet spoken to you about getting back together, it could mean they are scared to admit it.
- Contacting you more frequently than before. (for more than two weeks)
- Wanting to meetup more often. (for more than three times)
- Talking about the future with you in it. (almost every time you talk)
- Talking about how they have changed or about how you have changed. (at least once)
If you feel that your ex wants you back but are afraid to admit it, try to think about the reasons why they don’t want to admit it and address those reasons. These reasons could include,
1. Being afraid of repeating the same patterns as before. A lot of people get back together and breakup again because relationships patterns remain the same as before. If your ex is afraid to admit it, then they may be afraid of repeating the same patterns as before. Speaking about the past issues and how you can resolve it can help them get over this fear.
2. Not trusting you to make the changes you promised. Sometimes, your ex wants to believe you that things will be different. If you feel this is the case, then you should focus on being consistent and continue working on yourself.
3. They just need more time. Your ex may process the breakup and everything that happened at a different pace than you. They may want you back right now but they may feel that they need more time to understand if getting back together is a healthy decision for them. If this is the case, speak to them about it honestly and respect their decision to take some more time. If they decide not to get back together, respect that decision too. Respecting other people’s decisions is cool. Always respect your ex’s choices, their time and their decisions.
Is it a good sign if my ex is pretending to be over me?
Your ex pretending to be over you is not necessarily correlate to your ex wanting you back. If your ex is pretending to be over you, they may do things like,
- Act as if the breakup did not affect them at all.
- Find excuses to be in your life but keep reassuring you that they don’t want to get back together.
- Get offended when you confront them about pretending.
- You can feel something is off in the way they act and behave.
While these signs do indicate that your ex has feelings for you, they also show that your ex is not ready to get back together in an honest and healthy relationship based on good communication.
Signs Are Not a Reliable Indicator of What Will Happen In The Future
Like I said at the starting of the article, signs can be confusing. Somethings may seem like a great sign but it may turn out to be nothing. On the other hand, something may seem like a very bad sign but your ex may just come back.
As a breakup coach and expert in the field of reconciliation, I have seen thousands of cases and have interpreted signs at the request of my clients. And in my experience, signs can only give you a hint and they can be wildly inaccurate at times.
For example, one of my clients, Jean (F24), was in a relationship with an older woman, Mary (F 33). When they broke up, Jean was devastated and begged for her ex to take her back. But Mary cut her off completely. She didn’t even contact her once. Jean, on the other hand, was calling her 50 times a day to get a response from her.
Eventually, Jean decided to do no contact and focus on healing from the breakup. And within a week, Mary came back to her. She said she missed her and wanted to get back together. Mary shared that she left because she felt the age gap would be a major obstacle but she couldn’t live without Jean and decided to give it another shot.
So even though Jean thought there are absolutely no signs of Mary wanting her back, Mary came back.
On the other end of the spectrum, my client, Randy (M28) got a lot of positive signs from his ex (Fauzana F26). She would contact him almost every other day. She would even talk about what went wrong in the relationship and how they can get back together in the future. Sometimes, they would end up talking on the phone for hours. She even confessed her love to Randy in an emotional moment.
Randy was very hopeful they would get back. But whenever he asked to meet her, she would always end up with an excuse and postpone the meeting. Eventually, when she they agreed to meet up, she told him that she is dating someone else. And that he should stop contacting her.
Talk about being blindsided.
Turns out, she was just evaluating her options and she was also speaking to the other guy for hours. Technically, she didn’t really cheat on him. But boy did it feel like a punch in the gut.
Had he been a little more cautious in interpreting the signs, he would have been skeptical about the whole thing and it would have been easier for him to move on from Fauzana.
If my ex loves me, does it mean they want me back?
Your ex loving you doesn’t necessarily mean they will want you back. Most people still feel love for their ex partners after a breakup. If you had a meaningful relationship, the love will be there in your ex’s heart for a while. But it doesn’t mean the issues that lead to the breakup are fixed.
Sure some signs of an ex wanting you back and your ex loving you overlap. But those signs are usually seen if it has been a while since the breakup. For example, if it has been more than a month since the breakup, and your ex is calling you a lot, it’s a good a sign that your ex loves you and probably wants you back.
You can choose to look for signs of your ex still loving you, or you can focus on things that will help you fix the problems that lead to the breakup and win them back.
I am sure they want me back, how long will it take for my ex to come back?
Your ex may come back on their own. It sometimes takes up to 1-6 months for that to happen. But I don’t recommend you wait for that to happen. Don’t wait for your ex. Focus on moving on and heal from the breakup. If enough time has passed and you are sure you want to give reconciliation a chance, then reach out to them in a confident way.
Exercise Caution When Interpreting The Signs of Your Ex Wanting You Back
So how can be cautious when interpreting the signs? What should you do instead?
Here are a few tips after 13 years of experience helping people get their ex back.
1. The only way to be sure of your ex wanting you back is if they say it outright. Everything else is just speculation. Conjecture. A Guess. And a lot of times, wishful thinking.
2. If your ex is showing any signs of doubts, don’t get your hopes up. For example, in the case of Randy, Fauzana showed a lot of positive signs, but there were signs of doubts as well. In the end, her doubts won and she decided to break Randy’s heart all over again.
3. Always Be Healing and Self-Improving. Your focus, after a breakup, should always be on healing from the breakup and self-improvement.
4. Don’t Let Your Ex String You Along. Always focus on your own life, keep growing as a person and keep in touch with your support system (such as friends, family, therapist or a coach). If you are ready, start dating other people and don’t let your ex stop you from moving on. Not unless they are ready to admit they want you back.
5. Trust Your Instinct. If you are not in a state of panic or desperation that usually comes after a breakup, then your instinct is probably going to help you figure out what your ex is feeling. Just like it did for Jean in the above example.
6. Get Help If This is Affecting Your Life. If things are affecting you in a way that it’s making your life very difficult, then you should seek professional help immediately. This could mean seeing a therapist or a counselor. See the section below to figure out if you need help.
7. Use the signs to figure out what you should do next, but always be skeptical.
The reason a lot of people look for these signs is because they want to know if/when they should make a move. For example, they may look for a sign if their ex loves them and then ask their ex out for coffee. Or if they are fairly positive that their ex wants them back, they will start talking about getting back together.
While this is a good strategy (and it comes to us naturally), you should always be skeptical about getting back together. The fact is, you and your ex broke up because of a reason. And only about 15% of people get back together in a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. So even if you get back together, you may end up repeating the same patterns again and breakup.
So even if your ex still loves you, you should be skeptical if that love would be enough to sustain a healthy long lasting relationship.
Even if your ex will come back, you should be skeptical about a new relationship with them. You should ask yourself if taking them back would lead to the amazing relationship you deserve.
Even if your ex wants you back, you should think and talk about the issues that led to the breakup and how they can be resolved.
When your focus is on getting back together in a healthy relationship, you are less likely to be affected by misinterpreting a sign from your ex.
8. Healthy Communication is Everything. Signs are great and all. But you know what’s even better than that? Communication.
Now when it comes to communicating with an ex, things get a little tricky. But still, if you apply the principals of good communication, show empathy, and try to understand your ex’s perspective; you will get much further than you would ever get by interpreting signs.
My most successful clients had one thing in common. They weren’t afraid of communicating and a lot of them ended up having deep, meaningful conversations with their ex. (I teach such conversations in our Advanced Course).
What To Do If Your Ex Wants You Back?
If you suspect that your ex wants you back, then speak to them about it. Heck, even if you don’t suspect that your ex wants you back, but you see potential in a relationship with your ex, still speak to them about it. Here are a few points you should keep in mind though.
- Aim to get back in a healthy relationship. No point in getting back together and breaking up again.
- Set strong foundations of your new relationship by being honest, vulnerable and sharing your values.
- Set clear boundaries for things that are not acceptable to you. Such as infidelity, dishonesty, or not putting in the effort.
- Talk about the issues that lead to the breakup and how things will be different.
- Take things slow. Don’t jump into another bad relationship. Set a trial period if either one of you is unsure.
The idea is to build strong foundations for your new relationship. Foundations based on honesty, communication, respect, compatibility and love.
When To Seek Help
Now I know you were here just looking for signs and probably don’t want someone telling you to go see a therapist. But there are a few of us who are going through a hard time and a little nudge to get help can make a huge difference in their lives. This is why I included this section in the article.
If you are thinking about your ex a lot and are having a hard time with the breakup, you should see a professional therapist if….
- You are experiencing extreme emotional or physical pain.
- You are getting obsessive thoughts about what happened during the breakup.
- You find yourself stalking your ex incessantly.
- You can’t stop thinking about your ex.
- You find yourself in a cyclical (on/off) relationship with your ex.
- You cry a lot and find it hard to stop crying.
- You suspect you may be depressed.
- You feel extreme anxiety and fear of losing your ex.
In essence, if you feel the breakup is grief is extremely difficult for you to cope with, seek professional help. It may be the best thing you can do for yourself.
In addition, there are a few other resources that can help you calm down and start thinking rationally. These resources include.
1. Talking to a qualified breakup coach. Breakup coaches can help you understand the breakup and figure out if getting back together is a healthy decision for you. They can also help you interpret signs and tell you if you should wait for your ex or move on. At Ex Back Permanently, we offer affordable breakup coaching services.
2. Spending time with friends and family. Spending quality time with friends and family can help a lot in calming down obsessive thoughts and reminding yourself that you are not alone in this world. Being alone after a breakup can make you feel like no one loves you. But if you have friends and family who love and care about you, you will start feeling better. Having a support system you can rely on can do wonders for your mental health.
3. Online Courses Designed to Help You Heal. There are online courses that help you heal from the breakup, build up your self-confidence and figure out the best way to get back with your ex. At Ex Back Permanently, we offer a free online email course called the EBP Basics Course. It works by sending you a small bite sized email every day to help you shift the focus from your ex to yourself. It also gives you practical and healthy advice to help you get your ex back. A lot of our readers got their ex back by just following the instructions in our free course.
