Most guys who try to make their ex girlfriends miss them, usually end up looking like a fool.

The reason is simple, their ex-girlfriend sees right through their manipulation or lie they were using to get her to miss them.

And sometimes, your ex girlfriend will one up you with the manipulation and lies. She will put you through a shit test and if you fail that test, you will end up looking like a fool. A damn fool who ends up calling her, begging her to take you back.

pity the fool who can't make an ex girlfriend miss him

In this article, I am going to teach you how to make your ex girlfriend miss you the right way. And I will teach you how to pass any shit tests and avoid looking like a fool if she tries to one up you.

The Big Picture

Now I assume you want your ex girlfriend to miss you because you want to eventually get her back.

After all, if that’s not what you want; then you are just wasting your precious mental energy on making someone miss you who you don’t even want in your life.

If your ultimate objective is to get her back, then I want you to read this article.

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back – 5 Stages (It’s FREE)

It might be the best article on the internet about this. Here’s what one of my readers emailed me about that article.

get ex girlfriend back permanently review

Is it important to Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You During No Contact?

If you read the article above, you’d know that making your ex girlfriend miss you during no contact is only optional. That means, you don’t need to make her miss you to get her back.

Wait, what?

The truth is, just because your ex girlfriend misses you, it does not mean she will want to get back with you in the future. It’s normal for a girl to miss you if she was with you for a considerable period of time (more than 3 months) and if she was attached to you during the relationship.

But just because she misses you does not mean she wants you back. It does not mean she will forget the reasons you both broke up.

And just because she misses you does not mean she thinks that you both have a future as a couple or that things will change if you get back together.

Getting her to miss you is just a small part of a bigger picture if you want to get her back and keep her.

And if you don’t understand that picture, if you don’t have a game plan; you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Because even if you are successful in getting her to miss you, you may still end up losing her forever if you don’t play your cards right.

Again, read this article to understand the bigger picture and learn how to get her back and keep her.

On the flipside, she might not miss you during no contact and you may still be able get her back if you make the right moves and follow the game plan in the above article.

What about making her miss you after no contact?

Getting her to miss you after you have finished no contact is important. Once you reach Stage 3 and Stage 4 in getting her back, you want her to miss you when she is not speaking to you.

If you follow everything in that darn article I keep talking about, you will automatically make her miss you. But, in this article we will discuss a couple more strategies to get her to miss you after no contact.

But before we do that, let’s speak a little bit about what actually happens inside us when we miss something or someone. It’s important to understand this emotion if you want to make your ex miss you.

How do we miss someone or something?

Ever thought about how you suddenly start missing something? It’s not like you choose consciously to want to miss something.

Do you ever go about thinking, I want to miss the pie my mother used to bake every Sunday?

No one ever makes a conscious choice to evoke the feeling of missing.

To evoke this feeling of missing, you need two things

  1. A stimulus – Something that triggers a thought in your mind which is related to the thing or the person you miss.
  2. Absence – You need absence of the thing or person that you miss from your life.

Let’s go back to that pie example. What causes you to miss your mother’s pie?

  1. Stimulus: You smelled a delicious pie as you were walking past a bakery. The smell, acted as a stimulus. It reminded you of all the delicious pies your mother used to bake for you.
  2. Absence: The fact that you haven’t visited your mother in over six months and have not tasted that delicious apple pie since your last visit. Add the fact that you skipped breakfast because you were late for office in the morning. And now you have a strong absence of the thing you miss.

Now, here’s the tricky part. To evoke the emotion of missing, you need both stimulus and absence. It’s not possible to miss someone by just their absence or by just a stimulus.

But, the amount of stimulus you need is inversely promotional to the amount of absence you need. And vice versa.


Let me explain.

If the absence of the thing or the person is pretty big at the time, then you may not need a very direct stimulus to evoke the emotion of missing.

From here on, we will speak the quantity of absence and stimulus in terms of percentage. We will assume that you need a total of 100% for the emotion of missing to arise. Note that these percentages are only approximate in each case and I am using numbers only to illustrate my point.

Let’s go back to that pie example.

  1. Absence: You didn’t have breakfast. You are late for lunch. And you have not had your mother’s delicious food for over a year. (around 70% absence)
  2. Stimulus: You walk by a group of kids playing Baseball in the park. It reminds you of how you used to play Baseball with your buddies back in high school. Then it reminds you how you used to go back home and have the apple pie your mother made for all your friends. Before you know it, you start missing the pie. (around 30% stimulus)

In the above scenario, the stimulus is not directly related to pies. But you have a strong absence of something you cherish. It’s amplified by the fact that you are hungry. So, your mind finds a way to connect something not even related to pies, with pies.

The inverse can be true as well.

  1. Absence: Suppose you’ve had a decent lunch, and a great dessert. You just returned from visiting your mother a month ago and ate a bunch of pies while you were there. (30% absence)
  2. Stimulus: But literally everything around you keep screaming of pies. Your girlfriend talks about the great raspberries pie at the new coffee shop. Your buddies call you up and start talking about the good old times when you used to play and eat pies. You even see a commercial of pie on the TV. (70% stimulus)

At this time, even though there’s not a strong absence of the thing in your life, the extreme stimulus will probably cause you to miss the pie.

How To make your ex girlfriend miss you?

Now that we have understood the importance of getting her to miss you (not really important during no contact, extremely important after no contact) and the basics of missing (stimulus and absence); we will go into some tactics on how to use it with your ex girlfriend and how to avoid letting it blow up on your face.

Tactic No. 1: Do No Contact

One of the most obvious way to get your ex girlfriend to miss you is to do no contact. I am sure you have come across that term hundreds of times as you searched about breakups online.

Doing no contact means you stop contacting your ex girlfriend. It’s very important that you do this if you want to win her back. I go into detail about how no contact affects you and your ex girlfriend in Stage 1 of this article.

Here, I will explain why doing no contact is one of the most effective strategy to make your ex girlfriend miss you.

How No Contact Makes Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You?

You and your ex probably spoke to each other almost every day while you were together. I am going to assume that you were together for quite a while. Let’s say you were together for a year, or even more.

Your ex girlfriend is used to speaking to you about her day, about her feelings, about her likes, dislikes and everything in between for almost a year.

After the breakup, she still has the desire to speak to you about those things. But she will probably stop herself from doing so because she has decided to breakup with you and move on.

However, you (going through grief and in denial) decide to keep contacting her everyday through every means possible. You text her, call her, message her on Facebook.

A lot of guys do this in an attempt to remind her of the good times. They do it to try to create a stimulus in her mind, so she remembers the good times and misses them.

But they forget that it’s impossible for the “missing” emotion to arise unless there is both a stimulus and an absence.

When you keep contacting her, you are indirectly telling her

“Hey, even though you have broken up with me, I still love you and I am still waiting for you. And you don’t have to worry about a thing because I will always love you and keep waiting for you.”

By contacting her, you are conveying the above message to her sub conscious mind. In essence, you are telling her that you are still present in her life and you will always be present in her life.

And if you are present in her life, you ARE NOT ABSENT.

So, she will not miss you, no matter how much stimulus you try to provide.

By doing no contact, you reverse the equation altogether.

When you stop contacting her, you suddenly become absent in her life. If she doesn’t hear from you for a week, she will start feeling a strong absence of you in her life.

And here’s the awesome part, since you both just broke up, the amount of absence she will feel for you is going to be through the roof. I’d say the absence she will feel will be about a 90%.

missing your ex quote

When she is going through grief, everything will act as a stimulus to remind her of you.

  • The sofa you used to sit on and cuddle and binge watch Netflix on.
  • The computer on which you installed windows for her.
  • The New iPhone Game you taught her how to play.
  • The coffee shop where you first met.
  • The lingerie she wore when you first had sex.

Everything will remind her of you. This is the power of no contact.

But remember, just because she misses you, does not automatically make her want you back. If she decided to breakup with you, she will want to stick to it.

How to Avoid Looking Like a Fool When Using No Contact

Doing no contact can backfire on you if you are not doing it for the right reasons with the right mindset. Again, I want you to read this article on getting your ex girlfriend back to have a bigger picture in mind.

You are doing no contact to focus on yourself and become a better version of yourself. Your ex girlfriend missing you is a great side effect, but it’s not something you should rely on.

Sometimes, your ex girlfriend will test you when you start doing no contact. If you are doing no contact for the wrong reasons (to get her to miss you, to make her feel miserable, or to get her to contact you first); you will end up looking like a fool.

Here’s an example shit test that some ex girlfriends do when their ex boyfriends start no contact.

Example Shit Test 1

She will call you and say something that will give you hope. She may say something like

“I was thinking about you.”

“I wanted to speak to you.”

“I wanted you to know something”

And sometimes, she will even tell you straight away that she still loves you and has feelings for you.

Some guys take this bait and end up declaring their undying love for their ex girlfriend.

“I love you too. I can’t live without you. Let’s get back together tonight.”

Only to get stabbed in the back by their ex girlfriends.

“I have feelings for you, but it doesn’t mean we should get back together. It’s over and I want you to accept it. Honestly, I want you to stop having hope that we can ever get back together in the future.”

Cruel, right?

Trust me, it breaks my heart every time I hear some poor guy go through this shit that their ex girlfriends put them through.

But this is life. And you gotta learn to live with it. And you gotta learn to win in it.

So, what do you do in this shit test?

If you are doing no contact for the right reasons, you will probably know how to deal with this situation yourself. Here’s a reply, that shows honesty, vulnerability and confidence in yourself.

“I have feelings for you too, but I don’t think we should speak with each other for now. I need some time to deal with the breakup and do some soul searching. I hope you understand.”

That’s it. Stop contacting her after that and stop replying to her if she contacts you first. I can guarantee she will respect you more for it and will start missing you like crazy.


Tactic No. 2: During No Contact

When you are doing no contact, you can do a few things to get your ex girlfriend to miss you. Like I mentioned before, trying to get your ex to miss you during no contact is only optional. You don’t need to do this to get her back permanently.

Just doing no contact should be enough to get her to miss you. After all, it increases your absence to about 90% and even a little bit of stimulus will make her start missing you.

Everything you do during no contact should be aimed at increasing your absence in her life. That means you shouldn’t be trying to create any stimulus by reminding her of good times during no contact.

The reason is simple, as long as the amount of absence is pretty high, everything will act as a stimulus.

As you both move forward with your life, your ex girlfriend will slowly start getting used to the idea of not having you in her life. The amount of absence she feels in your life will start going down.

In my experience, it takes about 14-21 days for this to happen. So let’s assume that your absence level in her life is about 70% after 21 days from the time you start no contact. Here are a few tactics you can use after 21 days to get her to miss you.

Social Media

Social Media is a double edged sword. Using it to make your ex miss you can be a disaster if you are not ready for it. So if at any point you feel like the following tactics are backfiring, stop immediately and go full no contact.

As I said above, your aim is to create more absence in her life instead of doing things to remind her of the good times.

At this time, you can use a few tactics to increase the amount of absence she feels for you.

Post pictures of you living your life

The fact that you are living life is a strong signal that you are no longer living your life with her.

You can do so by posting pictures of yourself doing things that you enjoy. It could be,

  • Hanging out with friends
  • Playing a sport you enjoy
  • Traveling
  • Or just eating at your favorite restaurant

When she sees pictures of you living your life, her subconscious mind is going to take it a sign that you have moved on and will make her panic.

This will create a strong absence in her sub conscious mind of you. In terms of percentage, I’d say that it will go back to 90% from 70% if you pull this off correctly.

Add New Friends (Especially Girls)

If you add new girls as your friend on Facebook, it’s going to be a strong indicator that you are living your life and there is a chance you will move on. This creates jealousy as well as absence in her mind for you.

The thought of you moving on to someone else will create a strong absence in her mind for you. Again, this can increase the feeling of absence to about 95% if done correctly.

Social Media Shit Test

Sometimes, your ex girlfriend will try to call you out by going the extra miles to post pictures of her.

It’s very common for girls to post pictures of themselves partying with a caption that says something like

“Single and enjoying life to the fullest”

Or, they might post a picture hugging another guy with the caption

“Had awesome fun with this guy last night”

Note: If she is dating someone else, read How to Get Her Back from Another Man

If you don’t have the right mindset about getting her back, there’s a good chance this will cause you to panic hard.

Your mind will go into berserk mode thinking that you have lost her for good. In some cases, it might cause you to feel almost a 99% absence for her. So much that you won’t be able to stop thinking about her for even a second. This is your mind on red alert mode.

And there’s a good chance it will cause you to contact her and beg her to take you back.

On other extremes, some guys may respond to this by trying to compete with her and posting pictures with other girls. Thus confirming her belief that you are doing things on social media for her to see.

But, I want to remind you that this is a shit test. That means she did it to get a reaction out of you. To call out your bluff.

And of course, if you are bluffing, you will panic and do something stupid.

What to do to pass this shit test?

The easiest way to pass this shit test is to do nothing. If seeing her pictures or social media statuses causes you to panic, then you should block her from everywhere or delete your social media profiles.

Remember, your priority is to heal during no contact and focus on yourself. If anything compromises that, you must cut it off. And that includes social media.

Common Friends

If you and your ex girlfriend have common friends, there is a good chance they are conveying information to her about you. You can use this to your advantage.

If you are truly working on yourself and healing from the breakup, it will show. You can just ask your common friends to hang out with you and they will notice everything that has changed in you.

If you are healthier, they will notice. If you are happier, they will notice. If you are more confident, they will notice.

And they will tell all of this to your ex girlfriend.

Common Friends Shit Test

A lot of times, your ex girlfriend will use her friends against you. She might ask them to call you and tell you stuff about her. Stuff like,

“She is dating some other guy. I think you should move on.”

“She is a lot happier than she was before. I don’t think she will ever come back to you.”

Just the fact that she is using her friends to say this to you means that you are on her mind.

How guys fail this shit test?

They panic and try to use logic with her friends. They will try convince her and say things like,

“Can you try to talk to her and tell her I’ve changed?”

“I really love her. You know I love her too much. You know she will never find someone like me. Can’t you do something for me?”

By saying anything like this, you are confirming to her friend that you are still available for your ex. You are still waiting for her. And you are still present in her life.

And if you are present in her life, you are not absent. And if there is no absence, there is no missing.

How You can pass this shit test?

The easiest way to pass this shit test is to stop acknowledging her friend (or even her) as a reliable source of information about her feelings.

The truth is, most people are not that much in touch with their feelings. She might be going through terrible grief, but she is tricking herself into thinking that she is happy. She might be having doubts in her mind but she is trying to stay consistent to her decision.

The easiest way to respond to this is to be honest, be vulnerable and only talk about yourself. For example,

“Oh Ok. The breakup has been hard on me and I am still trying to recover from it. So I’ll appreciate it if we don’t talk about my ex.”

Tactics Part 3: After No Contact

Once you are done with no contact, you want to get back in your ex girlfriend’s life. You want her to speak to you regularly.

This means that you will not be totally absent from her life. But you still want her to miss you.

Because the more she is thinking about you, the more she will feel attracted and connected to you.

If you have followed this article until now, then you know that the emotion of missing is created by a stimulus and an absence.

Since you will be speaking to her, your absence level goes down.

So how do you create the emotion of missing?

By creating a stimulus.

Plant a seed in her mind

When you first contact your ex after no contact, you want to plant a seed in her mind. An idea that things are different now. That you are different now. That if she ever gets back with you, the new relationship has the potential to be amazing.

You want to be as subtle as possible when you are planting this idea. Remember the movie Inception? It’s kind of like that. Except, it’s real life and Christopher Nolan is not directing it so it doesn’t have to be very complicated.

Basically, you don’t want to even talk about getting back together. You just want to give her a hint about how much you have grown as a person during no contact.

Planting a seed in her mind will work in your favor two folds. It will create a stimulus in her mind and will create absence as well.

The best way to do it is to use the elephant in the room text I talk about in this article on texting your ex back. You can also download some sample Elephant in the room texts here.

When you send her that text, it will work by creating a stimulus as well as absence for you in her mind. Here’s how.

  1. Stimulus: If you plant the idea in her mind successfully, she won’t be able to stop thinking about the type of relationship she always wanted to have with you. The type of relationship she expected to have with you when you both first started dating. The thought process will be a continuous reminder to her about you. Every time she thinks about her future romantic life, she will imagine the life she could have with you.
  2. Absence: I you’ve read my article on getting your ex girlfriend back, I recommend that you back off for a while after sending the first contact message. This is to help that idea grow in her mind. At the same time, she will feel absence for you because she will fear that you will move on and have that amazing relationship with someone else.

It’s needless to say that planting this seed in her mind is the most crucial step in getting her to back. If you need help drafting that message, check out our coaching packages.

Shit Test for Planting a Seed

When you try to plant a seed in her mind, the biggest resistance she will have in her mind is that you are saying everything to get her back. She will think that you are manipulative and are just trying to get her back using reverse psychology.

If you use the correct message, then she probably won’t put up her defenses and might even open up to you about how she feels. I can’t stress the importance of using the right message when you are getting back in touch.

But if she is still skeptical, then she might put you through some shit test to see how you react. For example,

  • She might tell you that she is glad you are moving on and she is moving on as well. That she is dating someone new and he is amazing.
  • She might not respond at all. Thinking that you will keep contacting her if you are still desperate and needy.
  • She might tell you that it’s too late and that she doesn’t want you to contact her again.

How to pass this shit test?

The key to letting an idea grow is to LET IT GROW. If you try to keep digging in to see if the seed you planted is growing, it’s not going to grow.

No matter what she does after you’ve sent that message, you should back off. No matter what emotions she is feeling at the moment, they will all subside and the seed you have planted will start growing. You just need to be patient.

Texting Her and Using Past Memories.

Talking about the past memories with your ex can act as a great stimulus. It’s very useful if you and your ex are speaking with each other regularly.

I have some examples for past memory texts in this article on texting your ex. Here’s how to create a stimulus and an absence so that you can use these texts to get her to miss you.


Ideally, you should use these texts when you and your ex have started speaking to each other. Perhaps a week or two after you have sent the elephant in the room text. But since you have started speaking to her, you won’t be able to create a strong absence in her life. This is why you need to create a strong stimulus for her to miss you.

The best way to create a strong stimulus is to be as descriptive as possible. Make your text like a story. Paint a picture in her mind with words. Write a screenplay for her so she sees the movie in her head.

If she can imagine what you wrote clearly in her mind, she will almost experience the same feelings she felt at the moment. And when she feels that same positive emotion, she will want to have what she had at that time. And that’s you. You beside her as her lover.

Here’s an example of a non-descriptive text vs a descriptive text.

Non Descriptive Text

Remember the time we went for hiking? That was fun. Am I right?

Descriptive Text

I was thinking about the time we went hiking. You woke me up at 5 AM and it was like we both went to an epic adventure together. There were obstacles in the way like when we just avoided that brown bear and you almost fell in that ditch. I remember my heart skipped a beat for a second thinking I’ve lost you. And then when we reached the top, we had a little picnic and ate those amazing sandwiches. Damn, they were the best Sandwiches ever. I can taste the pickles just thinking about them. And the best part? It was just sitting with you on the edge of the cliff with your head resting on my shoulder. I think it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

Of course, you don’t have to necessarily say that in text. You can even say that in a phone call to make it more intimate.

If you want to say that in a text, it’s better if you don’t say it all at the same time. It will be better if you send each sentence as a new text. If she is online at the same time, she will be anticipating your next text as she moves along with the story.

Texting services like iMessage and Whatsapp show someone when the other person is typing. When she sees you typing, she will let you continue the story you are playing in her mind. And she will enjoy every bit of it.

missing ex girlfriend sunset

Paint a picture in her mind. A picture in which you are missing.



One of the ways to create absence in her mind is to give her a little bit of space after you’ve had a good conversation with her. When you have planted a seed in her mind and are not always desperate to speak to her, she will eventually start missing you and want to speak to you.

But you can also create absence in her mind by creating a fear of missing out. This can be done by telling her about something you are doing in your life and relating it to some great memory you both had together.

Here’s an example,

“Hey, I just went to that little Armenian café again with a friend. It reminded me of our second date and that beautiful red dress you were wearing. You looked hot.”

See how you are not being very descriptive but you are still making her use her imagination. She is going to start thinking about her wearing that red dress and how it made her feel. You are going to make her think about how you were looking at her on her second date. You are going to make her remember the butterflies she felt in her stomach during that second date. All of this is going to create a strong stimulus in her mind.

And to top it all off, the fact that you are going to that place alone is going to make her fear missing out. The fact that you are going there with someone else is going to make her jealous. These two thoughts create a strong absence in her mind even if you are talking with her regularly.


Shit Test While Using Texts

One of the most common shit test girls use is by just not replying to your message. Sometimes, they will see your message and not reply for hours. Sometimes, they will decide not to see your message for hours, even if you can see them online.

How to pass this shit test?

The truth is, texting culture has become really manipulative over the years. I recommend you don’t play into this manipulation. If you do, there’s a good chance you will end up creating your new relationship on the foundation of power struggle.

If you are serious about creating a long lasting and healthy relationship with this girl, you should make sure that you are consistent in being honest and truthful about everything.

If you realize that she is taking too long to reply back, don’t try to one up her by taking even longer to reply. Instead, just reply whenever you see her message.

If she continues trying to avoid you, stop contacting her for a while. Give her some space and let the idea that you planted in her mind grow a little bit more.

About Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson is a breakup expert and coach with more than 11 years of experience of helping people recover from a breakup and get back in a healthy relationship.

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46 comments ...add one
  • Adam

    Can I send you my Elephant in the Room rough draft for some guidance? Or post it on here?

  • Adam

    What if there was incredibly high absence prior to the break up? I left for bootcamp so there was nearly no contact. She sent me a letter breaking up but when I called her during the last week she broke down and said she loved me but was talking to another guy and said she wanted to get back together and the whole deal. After that week I graduated expecting to call her and get back together and be fine but instead she said she didn't want to get back together and had blocked me on everything. Will no contact still work? After a week of no contact she followed me on IG which she had me blocked on previously. Is that a good sign or of little significance?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The fact that she suddenly followed you again would at least indicate that you had crossed her mind at that point, but does not show if her feelings are still there. I suggest trying no contact anyway since she had blocked you for the most part and the last interaction was not a positive one.

    • Adam

      I've implemented no contact and have stuck to it. My friend followed her finsta thinking he was helping and told me she has been "pushing away" (her words) the new bf and has also started some rather self destructive habits. To give history, her and I lived together for a year. We were very close and went through some pretty serious stuff. She is very emotionally Dependant and I believe that my leaving and the 0 contact during that leave mixed with her anxiety and tendancy to push people away when she is scared of being left (due to past relationships and hardships) led to the decision to end things. So it wasn't so much either of our faults or a specific event but more circumstantial. Oddly, she only started posting about the guy the day my friend followed the account. What are your thoughts? Is this salvageable? Did my friend following break no contact? I care for her deeply and she cared for me deeply. There was little if any sign of trouble when I left. We had a pretty exceptional relationship by all accounts. Her mother even apologized to my family for the event.

  • White

    Hi Kevin
    Sorry for bad english

    I break up with my girlfriend after 6 years, i'm 26 and she's 27 it's only been 3 day since we broke up and i want to start getting into no contact.

    Right now she have a job as an illustrator and unfortunately her laptop was broken and i lend my laptop to her way before we broke up. Until now there's no guarantee that it's gonna be fixed soon when she's actually need the tools to actually work every single day now.

    So i was wondering can i just let her use my laptop for the time being? is it gonna hurt the no contact purpose if i do so?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No it wouldn't hurt the no contact process as long as there isn't constant interaction over personal matters besides the laptop in this duration.

  • Junior

    My gf broke up with me almost 3 months ago because of my anger issues and how I spoke to her and treated her she said. We had a bad fight which led her to leave me. We were together for 10 years and I have been trying to get her back. When I ask her if she still loves me she tells me that she will always love me and I will always hold a special place in her heart.She has been avoiding seeing me and I have been trying to make every little excuse and situation for her to see me. I have made the mistake to keep contacting her but surprisingly she answers me calmly and will continue to talk to me if I make conversation. Any tips of what I can do please....

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Because of the continuous contact since breaking up, she hasn't been given the space to actually let go of whatever happened during the relationship as contact with you would remind her of those things. I suggest going into no contact for now despite the fact that she is still replying you now and let her know that you think it would be healthy if both parties had some space to process whatever happened.

  • Winston

    Hey my ex girlfriend broke up with me due to a lack of sexual attraction and passion. We were together 6 months and never fought. She tells her friend she wishes she met me last and that she’s scared to regret it. It’s been 3 weeks and I been constantly working on myself. Always working out 7 days a week and doing something everyday. She didn’t have a high sex drive due to her Prozac so we didn’t really have much sex. She told me to wake her up whenever I wanted to but I wouldn’t because she had work really early in the morning and I never wanted to put her in that position. I regret that because I feel like I did it because I wasn’t confident enough as well as caring. But basically the other day her friend reached out to me and told me to meet up with her when I got school. She told it was for no specific reason. That confused me. The other day I also texted my ex (as well as my other friends) because I lost someone close to me and I realized the importance of reaching out to those I care about to let them know I’m always here for them. She responded in an open manner and said she was thinking of me with a smiley face and said she was doing okay and hoped I was doing better. I responded the next day in a closed but light hearted manner saying I was doing good and thanking her for asking. I guess I’m here asking how you think I should handle this? Should I send an elephant in the room text? I was thinking of just asking her a question about Spanish because she’s argentinian and I am teaching myself Spanish. What do you think? Any advice or tips? Thanks so much for everything

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Understand that relationships which end despite the lack of fights tend to have underlying issues behind it. You'll have to figure out what the reason is (self-confidence, lack of assurance, not enough assertiveness as her partner, etc), and work on doing things differently this time around or it may end up the same way again. For the time being, you could reach out through the Spanish question, and continue the conversation onwards from there.

  • George Lowe


    My ex just text me this:

    "Hey could u pls call me
    when you have some free
    time to talk."

    Any suggestions on how best to respond to this (txt or call?) would br much appreciated.



    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Depending on the circumstances, texting back would be better since it gives you some room to think about your reply and whatever she’s saying as opposed to calling, where you have to respond immediately.

  • Chris

    Can i apply all of these even if we still live together? I can just change things here and there or?


    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's definitely hard applying this while still living in the same house but perhaps start by drawing boundaries and personal space, such as separate rooms and avoiding contact where you are able to. You might still want to consider moving out temporarily if you really want to apply these techniques.

  • Daniel

    hi, i and my ex girl friend still have sex after a relationship of 3 years, we broke up 2 months ago, i begged and begged her for close to 3 weeks,she was using me to build her ego, later i went into no contact, i wanted to do that for two months, barely one month she started calling and looking out for me, we worked in same place, i helped her in and we maintained a low profile at work, i myself could not resist her, we still sat down together yesterday and had sex, we had sex 3 times 2 days ago and 2 more couple of times since she started talking. i did not send her any memory text or any loving text yet. we are going to see tomorrow, we might have sex as well, i do not know, the first time, she initiated it, what should i do, i am finding it hard to resist her, i did not ask her where are we in terms of our relationship yet. though we have talked about giving another relationship a shot but she is a bit taking things slowly so am i, what is happening between us, i do not want to call it love yet cause she is in another relationship

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It might be a good idea to have a talk with her about this and to see where she stands regarding you and her current relationship, and know that a FWB relationship with an ex is never healthy in the long run.

  • Vey

    I broke up with my gf 1 month ago. I was the one who broke up with her because her childish act. She didnt want to break up at first. After we had a long fight because of this she accepted we broke up. She said she want to break up because i was abbusing her. I never abbusing her physically. I tought she just looking for some excuse. After one week she still care and contact me. She still posted the place we used to date or something. After she posted everything,i tought i was wrong to breakup with her so i ask her to get back together. She said she dont want back together right now because her family and her friends told not to get back. She said she is afraid that i couldnt change. She said we only be friends right now nothing more. I told her i dont want to be her friends. After i said that she blocked me on every social media. After 2 weeks she unblocked me and start follow me in instagram. And stalk me on insta story. I still dont contacted her because i am doing no contaced period. I just follow her back on instagram. After i followed her she started post insta story about the place we used to be hang out. Is she testing me or something? I want to get back together with her. But what is the right thing to do right now?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Follow the guidelines of no contact, and contact her when the period ends (typically after a month). It could be that she's reminiscing about the past rather than 'testing' you, because you following her back could've been a reminder of the relationship.

  • Eric

    Hi everyone- I’m writing cause I need your help. I’ve been dating this girl for like 6 months now but last week she dumped me. I met her last year and we made out but after that I played hard to catch for a couple months. We finally started seeing each other and I got her to dump the guy she was dating (yes, she was on an open long distance relationship with some guy). Things between us got serious and I got her to fall in love with me. At the beginning of our relation she was willing to be my girlfriend but I made a lot of mistakes: I took her for granted, checked out other girls in front of her, didn’t let her see my cellphone at all), all of those mistakes made her stop wanting to be my girlfriend but we kept seeing each other and said I Love You (we were pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend if you ask me). We broke up and got back together about 3-4 times already, but now she left me cause she says she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, that she wants to be alone. It’s not the first time she says that (last time I went to see her and “convinced” her to keep our relation, of course I didn’t beg or anything).
    Is there a way to make her ready for a relation? To get her back? She broke with me over text and audio messages cause she says that if she sees me she’ll back off from her decision and we’ll end up getting back together again. Last week she appeared to be madly in love with me but now we haven’t talked to each other for like 5 days (I’m doing no contact).

    I really hope you can help me, I love this girl and she’s totally girlfriend/wifey material.

    Thank you.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be best for you to give her some space and respect that choice for the time being and perhaps give it a couple of weeks of breathing room before trying to meet up with her again to sort things out. Remember to be civil about it and prove to her that you're capable of changing in order to give her a reason to want to come back. Currently, she's in conflict with regard to her feelings for you and doing the 'right' thing by herself. You'll have to convince her that being together with you IS the right thing for her through your actions.

    • Chris

      Me and my wife of 14 years just broke up 3 months ago. I caught her talking to another man. What is it I should do.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be best if you at least tried to figure out the reason for her talking to another man and where she stands on the marriage (to see if she still actually wants to work on it or not at all), before you can start to work on what you should be doing next.

  • Mark

    My ex asked me to buy back our time share from her. It was a week after NC. I had signed it over to her in Jan. Four months ago. I also had paid her back a few thousand dollars paying off other things I had owed her. I guess she has some fin problems carrying over from last year
    We were together seven years. I can't afford to repurchase the TS. Do I text her an answer of no or keep up my NC for three more weeks? We had been texting some the last couple of months and had three pH calls. Think she has s boyfriend hopefully a rebound. Thanks

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps respond to her on this matter to let her know, instead of keeping silent as she may think you're avoiding her because of monetary issues which may further decrease her viewpoint of you.

  • Amit

    We were in relationship for more then 3 years and my ex broke up with me 2 months ago ......after breakup she said to me that she loves me......but suddenly she got angry on me and again blocked me on everything......I am doing no contact since 15 days now and my ex has also blocked me on everything and she seems to be happy and when our mutual friend asked about me to her she said she dint wanted to talk about me.....what should I do ????? pleasehelp me out

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue to give her more space, and contact her at a later date after NC has ended. Also, try to understand why she's feeling angry towards you as its usually not out of nothing.

  • rb

    Hey, our relationship is 3 years, my gf left me and its been 37 days ago, she left me because that when i get angry i say hurtful stuff but its not from my heart it just because im angry thats one of my biggest flaws with everyone even family i told her about it but... maybe she dont understand and im trying to change this in me , she told me i won’t be with u anymore and etc….. it makes me fall apart, she got me blocked on whatsaap and unfollow in twitter but im sure she stalks me and now i want her back, i was talking to her after breakup but all i get is ignorance , now i stopped talking to her i read the article, but how can i make her miss me? should i dissapear or stop tweeting and sending snaps from twitter and snapchat and she’ll miss me? please help

    im having the worst days ever.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps start by making changes to your anger issues and how you control it whenever you're upset. Then make positive changes to your life such as appearance, etc and take to social media to show off these changes. You could even initiate contact after NC has ended by following our guides or using this article.

  • Whattodo?help? D

    Hi, I'm 24, ex girlfriend is 19 (almost 20), we were together for just over 6 months (only relationship we both had that was real and spoke about future together etc..).
    Its been 2 months and abit since me and my ex girlfriend broke up (she broke up with me) she didn’t sound sure of it and never actually said those words. Also when we was brekaing up and for a lil while before that when we actually spent time together it was doing the same things, talking was becoming boring between us (not always). Her ex was also very controlling and emotionally abusive, and we found out about a week or so before the breakup he had been keeping tabs on her and us.. so i think that had some impact..
    But she was right to, I had changed from who I was when we got together and honestly I got a bit depressed in my mindset and stopped doing my hobbies and seeing friends etc. My health was a big factor in this, I also became needy and clingy and she told me id become needy. I realise I was becoming this person and used this time apart to change those habits and work on myself. I’ve made massive improvements and am more confident, better at communicating and am a better version of who I was. Taken up new hobbies and old ones.
    I sent my ex the clean slate (elephant in the room letter) about a month and a half after the break up and no contact. Told her I agreed, respected her decision and had been working on myself, also gave a little insight into my progress and left it at would love to tell her about it sometime. I didn’t get a reply nor did I expect one as she is extremely stubborn.
    5 days ago I messaged her saying “Hey ____, been a while, was looking through pictures and they reminded me of you, wanted to check how your doing and how you are”. She replied not long after saying “I’m good thanks You?” (Good response in my books as it could have been straight up ignoring me or blocking me or negative etc..)
    So I replied saying “Good to hear, I’m good thanks, how’ve you been? Been up to much?” But my message didn’t send at the time (9pm ish) due to my internet and sent in the morning. I know she has read it later that day I think she was at work on her break (we work for same company but different stores) but hasn’t replied. Now I don’t know what to do, I’ve left it a couple of days but is this a shit test? Kinda feels like a shit test, why would she reply and then just read my message and then ignore me..? Is she ignoring me?
    I want to message again and get speaking to her and then follow the guide to get back to a relationship.. what should I do or say? Please help as soon as you can. Thanks, D.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, perhaps at that particular time in the evening when she replied, she may have felt more in the mood to as compared to the next day. It could've been for a variety of reasons, but my suggestion now is to wait a couple a week or two before texting her again, preferably around the same time as the day she responded.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      Thanks for replying, It's been a week now, WHEN I message, I can't message her the same thing I messaged the first time can I?, and if I say "hey how's you?" That won't be something she's liable to respond to, any tips on how I can initiate contact? D.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      I've just messaged (around the same time as last week) and said "Hey how've you been? How's life?" And got a reply within minutes saying "yes I'm fine you?".. I don't know whether that's good or bad.. it seems abit negative? Got to reply with something to keep conversation going or try to start it.. how do I handle this situation? I'm going to hunk and then reply but any advice would be great. Thanks

    • Whattodo?help? D

      Ok well I messaged, asked how life was, and spoke about something I'd been meaning to do for a while, and told her a funny story about it, she replied. "Good to hear, but it's none of my concern"
      Then she asked me why I had told someone I know that i sent her a love letter. (I must point out, I sent an elephant in the room letter as a clean slate and a 'friend' asked me if I had made contact, but this letter was in no way a love letter and I never told anyone it was one) but this person had started to spread rumours.

      My ex then messaged saying she felt uncomfortable at work as people who didn't know we was together were asking about us, and asked why I had messaged out of the blue and she didn't know what my expectations were. she blamed me..

      I replied sayinv I had no idea what she was on about with the love letter as I didn't and didn't tell anyone that, I told her how I had been made to feel the same way, I wasn't running around shouting about what happened and I didn't know how people knew but i told them who asked to not say anything. I also mentioned that I was messaging her as a friend, I did message out of the blue, but the time and space was good for both of us and that there was no expectations, a friend.

      When I sent this it was late 10pm, but she read it as I wrote it, I see her read it and then I went offline, She didn't reply (figured she wouldn't) but I've left it a few days and will leave it a few more.

      I want her to be in my life and when we split we both agreed we could be friends and that she still loved me. I won't give up, especially because she just believed gossip and others and blamed me (She used to assume when we were together) so I hope she will start to realise there is no reason for me to do anything like that.

      What do I do? What do you advise? I'm going to try with her and keep working on myself. Thanks, D.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      Well I messaged back to get a conversation going, I replied I'm good thanks and then mentioned something I had done since we have been apart and told her something funny that happened along the way, she then replied with something similar to - Good to hear, but it's none of my concern, I have to ask, why are you still in contact and why did you tell someone you sent me a love letter? Then a minute later she put "I'm not being rude but it's caused me to be uncomfortable at work as people who didn't know we were together are asking, you message me out the blue and I don't know what you expectations are"

      She has heard gossip because of people at work gossip, I haven't told people because why would j want to? It's not the best part of my life honestly. She has presumed I'm saying stuff rather than asking me (which she used to do).
      I told a friend at work after she asked and I said I had sent a clean slate letter. She has obviously told people at my exes work and spread rumours.

      I replied saying "well I'm in contact as would like to still be friends, I don't know what your on about with the love letter, I haven't sent one or have I told people I have."
      "I apologize if your made to feel uncomfortable, I haven't done anything to do that, wouldn't want too. I've had the same thing happen to me, don't know how people found out, not running around shouting about it. Why I asked them not to talk about it, yes I messaged out blue, as a friend, time and space a good thing for both of us, no expectations a friend."

      I sent this and she came online as I sent it, I know she read it, but this was late at night and she didn't reply. I knew she wouldn't as she is stubborn and making presumptions again and believing other people again. What should I do? I'm gonna give it some time before I do anything as she's hopefully gonna realise I haven't spread stuff and want to be friends. We both agreed when we split we could be friends after abit of time. She already made up her mind as to why I messaged her and that is done all this stuff without even asking me or talking or anything. How can I sort this out? Hopefully she will nessage me.. thanks, any help would be very muxh appreciated. D.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now the best thing you can do is to give her some space again since her reply definitely seemed a little hostile towards you. Let the moment pass, and it might even be better if you try to figure out where the hostility is coming from, before adjusting accordingly on your next text to her.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      Thanks for replying, I'm giving her space, and I think I know where this is coming from.. my friend just spoke to me and he said he felt it was best to tell me, my ex has changed her status to in a relationship and uploaded a picture of her with him.. I know this is a rebound relationship as it has only been 2 months (she told me she still loved me when we broke up) and this is out of character for her (uploading picture and showing shesin a relationship and who with this quick).. I've read quotes on the rebound relationship and this fits.. so I'm thinking this is a good thing in a sense.. now it's a matter of what to do? How to go about it? D.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Spend this time making positive changes to your life, so that when the rebound relationship ends, you come across as a changed person and that may actually cause her to feel differently about you.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      I'm spending this time making positive changes, working on my minfset, my confidence, hopefully going to pass driving test in the next month or so, I have learnt that my ex has a new job, i am also looking for a new job, I bring this up because we both worked for the same company the whole getting a new job thing was a thing in our relationship, when I get a new job (got a couple leads) I would want to tell her but she didn't tell me about hers a friend did.. she hasn't messaged or contacted me atall since she sent me that hostile message, I haven't either. But I want to, I don't want her to forget me.. whilst taking this time to work on myself is there anything I can do to help her not forget me? Thanks. D

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could make your changes known on social media platforms that she is following you on by posting pictures/snapchats regarding things that are happening to your life or even the changes that have been made.

    • Whattodo?help? D

      Hmm, thanks, she blocked me on Instagram and removed me as a friend on snapchat and Facebook after we "broke up" on the phone, as when we said about being friends she said we could but not at the moment so I know she needed to do that for herself. I've made my Instagram public and I might add her on snapchat or Facebook and then see what happens..

  • Lucas

    So I’m pretty damn sure my ex gave me a shit test. I’ve already sent the elephant in the room text and got a positive response. She told me she missed me sooo much, however she asked if we could be friends. She heavily implied she likes to talk to me throughout the day. I agreed to be friends and then backed off on contacting her. Two days later she forwards me a fb post. A funny one, btw. I replied with a lol and a comment on it. She didn’t even open it to read it, let alone reply. She was on fb though, after i replied.

    Pretty sure this is a shit test, am i right?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Whatever her intention was, it's best that you do not get too emotionally affected by it, or read too much into things. Remember that despite her positive response, she has not officially gotten back together with you yet, and technically has no obligation to reply you immediately, whether it was out of her own free will, or if she was busy. For the time being, just take things a step at a time and at face value to avoid lashing out towards her accidentally because you're frustrated that she didn't respond the way you had hoped for.

    • Lucas

      It is definitely a shit test, she replied 9 hours later after already have being on fb AFTER i replied, purposefully ignoring it. Guess I answered my own question right? Or can i get some imput please.

  • J

    Ok here is the situation. I was listening to your advice. I did the no contact thing for a month. Then i started to contact her, and at first she wasn't nice. Accusing me of trying to get her back. I told here i accepted the break up. Eventually she started to be nice to me, but then we talked on the phone and i messed up and brought up some stuff from the past on the phone and she got mad and then was barely talking to me via text. Then Christmas this friend of mine that convinced me to show up at her place and ask to have her back. But It didnt really work out. So i kinda outed myself that I still have feelings for her. And now her defenses are up and isnt really talking. And there lies the situation. How do i get her to trust that next time when i say Im just looking to talk, that I really mean it. Cause it kinda looks like i wasn't honest when i said it before, because she heard me say first week i was looking to talk, and then 2 weeks later I show up at her door asking to be with her. I mean even if i do NC and then come back and try to talk to her, will she trust what im saying? Or will she be open to the idea? Or will she just think im trying to trick her?

    Also, if i do NC again then I have a couple things I would like to get off my chest. Things she has gotten wrong about me. Some things that she has pointed out as possible reasons that she didnt want to be with me anymore. So I figure if Im going to do NC for a month, I might as well get some of these things off my chest before I do. Not looking to be mean, but maybe an email. Just things that i feel might or might not be hurting my chances.

    • Kevin

      Hi J,

      I recommend that you do no contact again. If you tell her that she is wrong about what she thinks about you, she is going to see it as you trying to convince her to come back. It's only going to lead to an argument.

      In my opinion, it's best to let it go. You want her to realize that she was wrong about those things herself. And the best way to do that is be consistent.

      I also recommend that you don't try to act casual this time since it failed the last time. Instead, I recommend you agree to her that you were dishonest last time. And that you still have feelings for her but you don't want to get back together and don't want to convince her to get back together. That you don't have any expectations. You just want to speak to her because you miss her.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Getting closure is important, but if you still want to get back together with her eventually (or even start on friendly terms again), you're going to have to keep those things in your chest a while longer. At least wait until she opens up to you emotionally before you bring those topics up. And it's going to be tough to gain her trust that you just want to be friends, so you'll have to be really casual about it. Maybe find an opportunity to start a conversation with her, that doesn't imply 'hi I want to be friends with you' - such as mutual friend's birthday, or a gathering, etc

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