“Things got worse a couple of weeks after I posted my original thread, another argument when the toxic friend got involved again, and that was it. No contact either way from early August 2019… we both just got on with our own lives.
Fast forward to April 2022, and an unexpected meeting between mutual friends which lead us to see and speak to each other for the first time in nearly three years. By the end of the day, when we left each other, he hugged me and told me he missed me. Within 24 hours, all the old emotions and feelings for each other came back for both of us.
We talked, a lot, over the following days and weeks. He apologised a lot for the way he handled everything before, for us splitting, for him leaving. The toxic friend was no longer a friend, and hadn’t been for nearly a year. I apologised for my parts in it all too. We both wanted to give us a proper chance. So we did.
We’ve now been back together for around 6 months, and he moved in with me a few weeks ago. We’re both the happiest we’ve ever been.
I’d sometimes dreamt over the last few years about us getting back together, never in a million years did I think it would actually happen though.
All I will say to anyone is don’t ever give up hope. I honestly thought we were dead in the water, despite wanting nothing more than for us to be together. Time truly is a great healer, yes it’s taken a couple of years, but it’s been worth the wait.”
– A forum member who got back together after years.
If you notice, she didn’t really do anything special other than just moving on with her life and being herself. The connection they had was special and all that was needed to bring them back together was opening the communication line. And she gives great advice.
The only thing I disagree with here here is that “don’t give up hope” shouldn’t be in the context of getting your ex back. Sometimes, you need to give up hope of getting your ex back so you can start hoping for a happy relationship without your ex in it.
Getting an Ex Back After a Year or More
Provided you have not been desperately chasing your ex for the past year, and you both have gotten enough space and time to heal and think, getting your ex back is a straightforward path.
Speak to your ex —> Evaluate if you still want them —> Express your desires —> Talk about the original issues —-> Enjoy Your New Relationship
That’s all there is to it.
But, what’s important here is to manage your expectations. While I shared a story above where my reader got her ex back after years, it may not always happen.
Let’s go over these steps quickly –
- Speak to your ex – If you and your ex have not been speaking, you must get back in touch. Do it via social media, text, a phone call or through mutual friends. Whatever suits your situation.
- Evaluate – Do the sparks still fly when you speak to them? Can you still cut the sexual tension with a butter knife?
- Express your desires – If there is still attraction, then just tell them you miss them and want to try to get back together.
- Talk about the original issues – What were the issues that broke you apart? Are they still there? If yes, then talk about them and see if they can be resolved.
- Enjoy – But take things slow. And build the foundation on trust, honesty and communication.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s just make sure you want to get your ex back after a year for the right reasons.
Why Do You Want Them Back After One Year
It’s been a year and suddenly you decide your ex was the right person for you. What happened? Why your opinion changed? Are you sure that you are making the right decision in wanting them back?
Or was it that you never really moved on? You never made any effort to move on and deep inside you have been in love with your ex since the breakup. If that’s the case, then I highly recommend you make some effort to move on before trying to get them back.
Stop contact with your ex, work on making yourself feel better, go on a few dates and try to accept the fact that you two broke up. Sometimes, an obsession can continue for years. And perhaps you have been obsessed about your ex for so long that you have mistaken this obsession for love.
Here are a few examples of when you shouldn’t get back with your ex after a year.
- You broke up because of you had a lot of fights and now that you don’t remember much of it, you think it will not be like before.
- You broke up because your ex cheated on you and now you think they’ve changed and they won’t do it again.
- You broke up because they left you for someone else and now they are single again.
- You left your ex for someone else and now you are single again.
The one thing that’s common in all the above examples is that the reason you broke up in the first place was genuine and nothing really has changed in the last one year.
On the other hand there are cases where you genuinely realize that what you and your ex had was something special. You realized that the reason you two broke up wasn’t really a big deal and you could have actually worked through it. Or perhaps something has changed in the past year that makes you feel like the relationship could work. Here are a few examples that come to my mind.
- You broke up because one of you was not ready to commit and not both of you are looking for a serious relationship.
- You broke up because one of you didn’t want children and now both of you are want the same thing.
- You broke up because of one you had to move to another town or country and now both of you are in the same city.
- You broke up over a small fight and breaking up was a rash decision. Now when things have settled, you realize that you can give it another chance.
- You’ve changed and matured and you hope your ex has too.
If you fall in this category (or something as reasonable as these), then you should try to get back together.
Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back
One year is a long time. And it is quite possible that your ex has moved on by now. But that does not mean that you can’t get them back anymore. You can still get them back but you have to look at it as a new beginning instead of rekindling an old relationship.
If your relationship with your ex was really good, then you can rest assured that your ex had been thinking about it as well. In fact, they would be comparing all their relationships with what you guys had.
Even if your ex has accepted the breakup and probably moved on, they still have a special memory of you and the good times you had in the relationship. And you can use that to your advantage.
What If We Had a Nasty Breakup?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how bad your breakup was. Since it’s been one year, all the negative feelings and the anger of the breakup has probably been forgotten. In the long run, people don’t hold on to the negative experiences.
Before Contacting Your Ex
I am assuming that you haven’t been in contact with your ex for a while and you haven’t seen each other either. If it’s not the case, then I highly recommend you implement the no contact rule for at least 30 days.
If you haven’t been in contact with them, then you don’t really need to apply the no contact rule. You can just go ahead and move on to the next step. But before contacting your ex, you need to make sure that you do the three things that you are supposed to do in the no contact rule (mentioned in this article). It’s extremely important you do this because the rest of the plan doesn’t work until you do this.
How to Contact Your Ex after a Year
In the 5 Step Plan and the 5 Stage Guide, I recommend that you start contact with a letter. However, since it’s been almost a year after the breakup, you should skip that step (Read: Get Your Ex Back After No Contact). Your initial contact with your ex should be as nonchalant as possible. You don’t want them to think you are still thinking about the breakup or the past relationship.
A simple and convenient way to contact them will be via text messages. They are private, unobtrusive and very effective. You need to start off with a message that shows that you haven’t forgotten them, but you have moved an.
You treat them like an old best friend instead of an old lover. Here is a simple text message that works great for this.
It’s casual and it gets the message across. If you have not been in touch with your ex for a while, then you will probably get a response from them after this message.
You have to make sure you keep things friendly in the starting. You should try to build attraction with them with text messages (More Texting strategies can be found in the 5 Step Plan). Once you think iron is hot, you strike, i.e. ask them out for coffee.
If your ex agrees to go out for coffee with you, you can count that as a date. Have fun at the date and show them how much you have changed over the last year and how much suitable partner you’ve become for them.
You have to make sure you don’t force anything. In fact, you don’t want to bring the topic of getting back together until the fourth date. You want to take things as slowly as possible. Ideally, you want it to be their idea to get back together. And if you have done everything in the 3rd step of the 5 Step plan, or the 2nd stage of the 5 Stage guide then they will soon start thinking about reconciliation.
Kevin hi,
I came across your website and it certainly is very informative. I hope you can shed a little bit of light on what to do in my current situation.
My ex and i broke up 3 years ago. We dated for about 7 months during the first and second wave of COVID (UK) and to be honest it was extremely lovable. We did get into a disagreement over something silly but that was quashed very quickly since we talked a lot about our worries etc.
We actually broke up because she went through a miscarriage with me. I could not support her on the day of her going to the hospital due to starting a new career and my employer said no to me leaving to see my ex, although we both did see each other after work although it was tense.
We spent weekends away for a few weeks just so we could be with one another and out of the blue, she was gone. Blocked on SM, phone calls etc. At work, i felt that something was not right so i went onto a dating app and there she was. A rebound it was as it lasted about a year before she moved onto her current guy which she has moved in and seems happy. i know as she unblocked me a SM but not on calls etc.
Recently, something hit home and i reached out to her via email. It was a very friendly email asking her how she was etc., nothing lovable or needy. I got re blocked again on SM and have not had a reply to my email which is understandable. I did send her another email giving her a small update on how things have been over the years, again nothing lovable and nothing to say "i want you back".
No reply and it has been a a day since my last email to her. I get that she maybe hurting seeing my name pop up given why we broke up and the fact that she is in a relationship.
What can you suggest?
Hi Keeran,
Since you have tried emailing her without talking about wanting her back, how about sending her an email saying what you actually want to say? Instead of trying to keep it casual, send her an email and be real. Tell her what you feel about what happened, about where you are, and what you feel about her. Be honest, but don't be needy.
Keep your expectations in check though. The idea here is to say what you need to say, not what you think she needs to hear. And when you have said it, it will be easier for you to let go of her and move on with your life.