If you and your ex have been apart for over a year, then you need a completely different strategy to get your ex back. A lot has probably changed in that year and you need to analyze the situation with your ex before making a move. A lot has changed in this one year, and before we talk about what you should do, let’s take a look at what you have.
- You both have probably dated other people.
- You both have probably slept with other people.
- You both have probably been out of contact for a while.
- Your Ex has probably moved on.
- Your ex might even be in a new relationship.
All these factors will affect your strategy to get them back, but first you need to realize why you want to get back together?
Why Do You Want Them Back After One Year
It’s been a year and suddenly you decide your ex was the right person for you. What happened? Why your opinion changed? Are you sure that you are making the right decision in wanting them back?
Or was it that you never really moved on? You never made any effort to move on and deep inside you have been in love with your ex since the breakup. If that’s the case, then I highly recommend you make some effort to move on before trying to get them back.
Stop contact with your ex, work on making yourself feel better, go on a few dates and try to accept the fact that you two broke up. Sometimes, an obsession can continue for years. And perhaps you have been obsessed about your ex for so long that you have mistaken this obsession for love.
Here are a few examples of when you shouldn’t get back with your ex after a year.
- You broke up because of you had a lot of fights and now that you don’t remember much of it, you think it will not be like before.
- You broke up because your ex cheated on you and now you think they’ve changed and they won’t do it again.
- You broke up because they left you for someone else and now they are single again.
- You left your ex for someone else and now you are single again.
The one thing that’s common in all the above examples is that the reason you broke up in the first place was genuine and nothing really has changed in the last one year.
On the other hand there are cases where you genuinely realize that what you and your ex had was something special. You realized that the reason you two broke up wasn’t really a big deal and you could have actually worked through it. Or perhaps something has changed in the past year that makes you feel like the relationship could work. Here are a few examples that come to my mind.
- You broke up because one of you was not ready to commit and not both of you are looking for a serious relationship.
- You broke up because one of you didn’t want children and now both of you are want the same thing.
- You broke up because of one you had to move to another town or country and now both of you are in the same city.
- You broke up over a small fight and breaking up was a rash decision. Now when things have settled, you realize that you can give it another chance.
If you fall in this category (or something as reasonable as these), then you should try to get back together.
Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back
One year is a long time. And it is quite possible that your ex has moved on by now. But that does not mean that you can’t get them back anymore. You can still get them back but you have to look at it as a new beginning instead of rekindling an old relationship.
Since it’s already been a long time after the breakup, you don’t have to worry about your ex moving on. In fact, you can use the fact that you both have moved on to your advantage.
If your relationship with your ex was really good, then you can rest assured that your ex had been thinking about it as well. In fact, they would be comparing all their relationships with what you guys had.
Even if your ex has accepted the breakup and probably moved on, they still have a special memory of you and the good times you had in the relationship. And you can use that to your advantage.
What If We Had a Nasty Breakup?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how bad your breakup was. Since it’s been one year, all the negative feelings and the anger of the breakup has probably been forgotten. In the long run, people don’t hold on to the negative experiences.
Before Contacting Your Ex
I am assuming that you haven’t been in contact with your ex for a while and you haven’t seen each other either. If it’s not the case, then I highly recommend you implement the no contact rule for at least 30 days.
If you haven’t been in contact with them, then you don’t really need to apply the no contact rule. You can just go ahead and move on to the next step. But before contacting your ex, you need to make sure that you do the three things that you are supposed to do in the no contact rule (mentioned in this article). It’s extremely important you do this because the rest of the plan doesn’t work until you do this.
How to Contact Your Ex after a Year
In the 5 Step Plan and the 5 Stage Guide, I recommend that you start contact with a letter. However, since it’s been almost a year after the breakup, you should skip that step (Read: Get Your Ex Back After No Contact). Your initial contact with your ex should be as nonchalant as possible. You don’t want them to think you are still thinking about the breakup or the past relationship.
A simple and convenient way to contact them will be via text messages. They are private, unobtrusive and very effective. You need to start off with a message that shows that you haven’t forgotten them, but you have moved an.
You treat them like an old best friend instead of an old lover. Here is a simple text message that works great for this.
It’s casual and it gets the message across. If you have not been in touch with your ex for a while, then you will probably get a response from them after this message.
You have to make sure you keep things friendly in the starting. You should try to build attraction with them with text messages (More Texting strategies can be found in the 5 Step Plan). Once you think iron is hot, you strike, i.e. ask them out for coffee.
If your ex agrees to go out for coffee with you, you can count that as a date. Have fun at the date and show them how much you have changed over the last year and how much suitable partner you’ve become for them.
You have to make sure you don’t force anything. In fact, you don’t want to bring the topic of getting back together until the fourth date. You want to take things as slowly as possible. Ideally, you want it to be their idea to get back together. And if you have done everything in the 3rd step of the 5 Step plan, or the 2nd stage of the 5 Stage guide then they will soon start thinking about reconciliation.
Kevin hi,
I came across your website and it certainly is very informative. I hope you can shed a little bit of light on what to do in my current situation.
My ex and i broke up 3 years ago. We dated for about 7 months during the first and second wave of COVID (UK) and to be honest it was extremely lovable. We did get into a disagreement over something silly but that was quashed very quickly since we talked a lot about our worries etc.
We actually broke up because she went through a miscarriage with me. I could not support her on the day of her going to the hospital due to starting a new career and my employer said no to me leaving to see my ex, although we both did see each other after work although it was tense.
We spent weekends away for a few weeks just so we could be with one another and out of the blue, she was gone. Blocked on SM, phone calls etc. At work, i felt that something was not right so i went onto a dating app and there she was. A rebound it was as it lasted about a year before she moved onto her current guy which she has moved in and seems happy. i know as she unblocked me a SM but not on calls etc.
Recently, something hit home and i reached out to her via email. It was a very friendly email asking her how she was etc., nothing lovable or needy. I got re blocked again on SM and have not had a reply to my email which is understandable. I did send her another email giving her a small update on how things have been over the years, again nothing lovable and nothing to say "i want you back".
No reply and it has been a a day since my last email to her. I get that she maybe hurting seeing my name pop up given why we broke up and the fact that she is in a relationship.
What can you suggest?
Hi Keeran,
Since you have tried emailing her without talking about wanting her back, how about sending her an email saying what you actually want to say? Instead of trying to keep it casual, send her an email and be real. Tell her what you feel about what happened, about where you are, and what you feel about her. Be honest, but don't be needy.
Keep your expectations in check though. The idea here is to say what you need to say, not what you think she needs to hear. And when you have said it, it will be easier for you to let go of her and move on with your life.
I dated a beautiful girl for 7 years. She is thr live of my life. We had a fight that blew up and we broke up. She later admitted that's not what she wanted. But I was intimate with someone else after the relationship and we could not reconcile. It's been a year and we both still message eachother, infact we still tell eachother "I love you"
I dated another girl for about 8 months and during that time she moved on and has been dating someone else too.
I want her back. I want to marry that girl. I seem to be the needy one lately but I was not needy while I was with the other girl. We did do a no contact after the breakup, but I don't know what I can do to get this reignited between us
Hey Tony,
It would probably be better to speak to one of our relationship coaches to get custom tailored advice to your situation.
Hey Leo & Ryan,
I want to try and get my ex back but I don’t know if it’s a lost cause. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I was being very needed and didn’t respect his boundaries.
When we first got together, it was so good, we got on so well and he was really there for me. But then I ended up being insecure and needy and I think he just couldn’t cope with it.
But when he broke up with me he said it wanted me, he just didn’t want a relationship, so I’ve always had it in my mind that maybe there was a chance we could get back together?
I still struggled to let it go, so I asked if he’d just keep things casual, and have like a friends with benefits relationship with me. We did this for almost a year but now he’s said he’s not bothered anymore.
I’ve started to do no contact and am almost 3 weeks in. I’m making an effort to enjoy life without him, but I would still like a chance to work things out.
Do you think there’s any chance I could get him back? And how would I reach out to him once I feel like I’ve given both of us enough time and space?
my ex and i broke up a year ago, both of us was having a tough year hence the break up. recently i felt ready emotionally and physical and went back to look for him. he told me that he have moved on and was getting to know a new person. But he also mentioned that he wished everything was like before we broke up. i understood from it that he might not be completely over us as well.He told me he didn't have the heart to block me but have been ignoring me ever since. what should i do
we've liked each other for about 7 years now and was in a relationship for 2 years before our break up
My ex and I broke up 2.5 yrs ago and i was totally devastated. We just started talking again and i want him back im aware that he still needs to grow and so do i. Im just not sure how to proceed to make him grow fond for me again, should i wait for him to talk to me? Should i just text him? How often should i text him? And how do i ask him out obviously to build a friendship and then hopefully proceed into a a get back together path.
Hello
My ex and I had been in a relationship for almost 8months and we were having grt time together , then I had to shift to a new place . After that there were a lot of fights and eventually we broke up . She cried a lot and tried a lot to contact me bt I fucked up . Then after 6months we started talking after I wished her on her bday and she told me that we r still grt frnds and can talk without feeling awkward. We started talking for hours and eventually it was going good when all of a sudden our talks god shorter and we stopped talking . It been 2yrs now and I tried to text her bt she blocked me .
Is there any chance for us to get back together . I think I really like her .
If she has blocked you then you have to try find other methods to reach out but if you are unsuccessful (or if she has also blocked you everywhere else), realistically speaking there probably wouldn't be much of a chance to win her back at this point, especially if you have no means of reconnecting with her and it has already been two years (so she would've most likely moved on by now).
Hi Ryan, my ex gf an I broke up almost 2 years ago this July. We haven’t had contact in a year. I should tell you we broke up Bc she moved back to her hometown an I chose not to go. She had a new gf within 2 months of our break up. I am still madly in love with her an want her back. Is it too late Bc she has a gf?
Most likely her new girlfriend is just a rebound to cope with the breakup, but that doesn’t mean she will think or see it the same way. Regardless, there’s still a chance but the distance remains an issue and you would need to find a way to overcome it if you wish to win her back.
My ex girlfriend and dated for 5 months and we broke up 2 months ago because she said she needed space and wanted to be single. I tried to get her back by sending her letters and txting but nothing worked. She blocked me on social media and her phone. She is dating a new guy right now and I was wondering if I can still get her back
Since you guys were only together for 5 months, she might very well have moved on by now, and you might want to consider letting go as it has already been 2 months and you're still blocked, which indicates that she does not want to talk to you.
It has been 12 months since our breakup we were together for 12 years, we didn’t live in the same town so it was hard and he broke it off. I was very hurt and said some very hurtful things which I totally regret. I can’t get over him I want him back so much but I feel he has moved on. I hear he is on dating sites looking. I don’t know how to try to rectify everything and if he would give me another chance. Surely 12 years means something to him?
If you guys were together for 12 years then it's pretty unlikely that he's moved on, even if you think he has. Going on dating sites or starting to date other people (rebounds) right after a breakup is usually just a way of distracting themselves from feeling anything but this will inevitably creep up on him eventually.
So my girlfriend and I broke up 10 months ago. I did 3 months of no contact and after that we went back to talking and eventually we were talking for hours every day. Recently while we were at an event she was joking around with her friends that she needs a boyfriend which really hurt me because we broke up on the grounds that she wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I stopped talking to her for 3 days and then got a text from her best friend telling me that she was sad and crying because I wasn't talking to her. I arrange a meetup and we met up and she told me she was sorry for hurting me and that she would try not to let it happen again. Then she told me that she had feelings for me again and had for quite a while, but didn't want to get back into a relationship because she felt that she had already hurt me too much and that it would probably be best for me if I moved on. I told her that I agreed we shouldn't go for a relationship yet and that we should just be two friends with feelings for each other for now and get back together one day. Unfortunately, I don't know how I can do that. How can I move from the friends with feelings stage to a relationship when she's afraid of hurting me again?
Hello,
I could really use some help here. My ex girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for nearly two years, we are 20. She said I was “too controlling” and we broke up one month ago. We have had minimal contact since. Up to a week after the break up, she was still unsure of her feelings and was not sure if she wanted to break up for good. Since the break up I have been completely mature and kind towards her and have not been negative at all what so ever. Three days later I find out that she is on dating apps, and is talking to two people. She unfriended and blocked me for no reason at all, and has turned into a completely different person. She was interested in one of the two people, but they called it off, so she has been “dating” this person for a week, and is already hooking up, having sex, etc.
i write her a letter, explaining how sorry I was and that I am trying to prove that I have changed, but she isn’t acknowledging the effort I have put in. If our relationship meant anything to her. I may or may not reach out to her again later, but things are just so unreal with her it is ridiculous.
Her going onto dating apps and hooking up with other people could easily be due to the need to distract herself right now from dealing with the emotions of breaking up and simply doesn't want to face you right now. She may be in denial right now with her emotions which is probably why she is acting this way. Give it some time to work on yourself for the time being along with space for her to deal with her emotions first before you consider reaching out.
Hi Ryan,
I could really use your advice. My ex and I broke up 6-months ago. We decided to separate mutually as we believed it was better for the both of us. We were going through a tremendously difficult time of sudden changes for the worst with regards to finances and family etc. It was just an awful and horrible time that really did leave both of us scared and we did not treat each other well going through this period. This was a 4-year long relationship.
We both agreed to try a friendship during this 6-month period.Even though we did have contact every now and again, I used this period to work on myself, I got back into socialising with friends, I got focussed on work, I am back at training again (everything you mentioned in your plan).
A month ago, I found out that my ex had slept with someon else, although I felt incredibly hurt and almost a feeling of betrayal, I knew he didn't do anything wrong, we ere firends and he was single, I dealt with it by informing my ex that I had heard the news, that I just needed some time. I started your advice of a 30-day strict no-contact rule.
He has constantly tried phoning, messaging, like my photos on social media even though I unfriended him on every platform.
During this period of no-contact, I have come to realise that I now know that there were incredibly beautiful and special moments in our relationship. I believe that it was our very bad period that really just got the best of us. We didn't deal things the right way and lost the key essential ingredient for any happy relationship...communication.
I want to try our relationship again, I am ready and I am in a far better space than what I was. I need advise in my approach, I need him to completely understand me, my commitment, I want him to understand that the old relationship is now gone, that If he is willing, and we decide to enter into this relationship, that it will be an entirely new relationship.
How is the best way to get all of this information to him? I can't just message all of this in a huge essay, do we meet? Do I write a letter? AM I even making the right choice here?
Thank you
If you genuinely want him back, upon completion of NC, reach out by sending an elephant in the room letter, which addresses and acknowledges the issues from the past relationship, and how you've come to terms with what went wrong and have been working on yourself since. Remind him of the good memories that came out of the relationship, and that despite everything, you would still hate to completely lose him and if the opportunity to start over as friends would be possible.
My ex and I dated for 3 years. We both fell in love in first sight and our relationship was great. We broke up because he would binge drink and not come home. I don’t think he unfaithful but he lost my trust and respect. Hes the kindest person I know and responsible. Sometimes I feel that I should’ve stayed because nobody is perfect I know I’m not but he made me feel he’d always be there for me. We’ve always kept contact even if it’s been simple exchanges here and there. I hooked up with other people including a friend we had in common and dated one guy. I haven’t felt the same about anyone. I cheated on the guy I dated and we broke up after 4 months. I’ve hadn’t been a cheater nor promiscuos before but this past year I was. I feel ashamed about my behavior & even though I miss him and still feel we have a connection I don’t know that things could be fixed. Maybe he’ll never see me the same he’s found out through friends about these things. He’s currently single and he has dated too but says he hasn’t been able to get over me but I don’t know if getting back together is a good idea. Should I just work on myself instead stay alone. Or should I give it a chance? I know it’s worth it but can the damage be undone?
Damage can be undone but it’s best to know what you’re getting into and be sure, so as to not damage the situation any further. I suggest working on your issues first and getting to a stable place emotionally before you try reaching out again to work things out with him.
Hi Kevin, My ex broke up with me two years ago because I had sex with another girl. Reason is because she was a virgin and I was not. But I really love my ex.
It's been two years now. I've been is 3 relationship and non seem to be just right. I've never stopped loving her. I want her back and I would need a healthy advice.
Thank you.
Since it has been so long, perhaps consider a simple text to reach out and build the level of communication up slowly first.
My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago. The reason for that is because my ex felt that we were not truly compatible, so she said. We dated for about 8 months. She had more relationship experience than me since I am a shy man. The difference in relationship experience was one of the compatibility issues she cited. She said that she wanted to remain friends and that we were a much better fit as good friends, but I rejected the offer. I told her that I couldn't talk to her for a while. She responded by saying that she had no plans on further contact with me anyway. She then immediately blocked me on social media. She later lifted those blocks, but then reinstated them like months later seemingly at random. I don't understand why someone would re-block at random. I never threatened or harassed her. I think she may have blocked my phone number as well. Flash forward 5 months after breakup and no contact. I see my ex at an event. We bumped into each other. She was polite and even said it was nice to see me. We had a conversation which was ok and I said that I was glad that there were no hard feelings but she said she still had them. I met my ex at a common activity and we have mutual friends. I have seen her a few times since the break up, but she avoids me. The final time I saw her was 2 weeks ago at a bar and she was overtly rude to me. Her behavior toward me when she sees me gets worse and not better. I thought time was supposed to lessen those types of feelings. I also found a pair of her shoes that she left at my house which I have yet to give back to her. Should I return her belongings and why would she holding a grudge when she initiated the break up? I just couldn't be friends at the time, that's all. I still think about her all the time though. I don't know how to re-establish contact. Please help.
It could have been that when she saw you, old memories were brought up and she realized she wasn't doing as okay as she initially thought. Additionally, it would seem like that comes in conflict with the idea that you're not doing better than her, and she isn't okay with that. You can start by initiating a clean break and returning her stuff first. Let both parties get some closure before restarting something anew down the roads if you want to win her back.
Hi Kevin. I dated this girl 3 years ago. We saw each other for 6 months, and we officially dated for two. I know its not THAT long but we got to know each other really well. But then we just ended. At the time, I was really insecure, and this sent me into a depression. After the break-up, I tried to get her back for like a month and a half. But she told me that she needed time and that I didn't give it to her. We then were silent for 4 months. I reached out for her birthday, but the response was unemotional. I was still depressed, but I decided to overcome it. I really worked on myself for years. I started working out(I'm in really good shape now), and I even traveled Europe for 6 months. In between, I've pulled different girls, a few hookups, and I almost dated one girl I met. Sounds like my life really turned around right? Here's the thing. All this time, I still think about her frequently, almost every day. I find myself not being able to truly care about any other girl besides her. We saw each other for 5 minutes on accident a year ago and half ago. It was a nice encounter. I texted her 4 days later wondering if she wanted to grab coffee and she was very cold. I tried to get her to talk about how she was doing but it didn't work and she blocked me on text. She's a really really sweet person though, so I don't know if she'll hold a grudge. The last time we talked was a year and a half ago. But I think about her so much, I don't know why. I'm thinking of messaging on fb. Am I crazy to miss her like this? Its been so long, but I think about her all time, she's the only one I actually care about. Kevin, I think I might even love her. What should I do?
It seems like despite picking yourself up since then and even having several hookups since then, you've never actually given yourself the chance to fall for someone else because you were always caught up with the thought of missing her. You may genuinely love her, or it may be love for the one that got away. Regardless, after 3 years and if she still remains cold towards you, it could indicate a strong sense of disinterest, and that she simply does not have any feelings for you anymore. You'll have to keep that in mind and consider if you still want to let yourself remain caught up with her, or make the conscious and deliberate attempt to move forward with your life.
Hi my ex broke up with me a little more than 3 months ago. We had been together for about a year and 8 months, and what we had was truly special - we fell in love with each other at first sight, got along with each other's family and friends, and most importantly, we just "got" each other. He used to say we would make a great team and that he both adored and admired me as his partner. I felt the same so I never thought we would ever break up but a year of transcontinental long distance with no clear prospect of closing the distance anytime soon (I'm out of the country, 24 y/o and he in the US 25 y/o), coupled with stress from work and worries about our career and future, led to our breakup. We have not been in contact at all but I still miss him and wonder if we would ever have another chance.
Depending on the connection you once shared as a couple, there might still be a chance to win him back if you reached out. However, considering that the relationship is long distance, keep in mind that things might be hard to piece back together due to the lack of physical proximity and intimacy when trying to rebuild attraction with him. If the prospect of closing the distance in is still unclear, it might not be a great idea to give things a second shot yet, because there's a chance things would end in the same outcome again.
Hi,
My ex broke up with me a year ago. I was in another relationship this period but I ended it recently because I still love my ex. I think he’s in a relationship now. Although he still texts me random messages like links to things I was looking for when we were together. When I replied him, he’s cold though. I don’t know what he’s thinking. What should I do?
There could be a variety of reasons for his cold reply to you, such as bad timing or that he doesn't want to look too needy, etc. However, if he's dating someone now, that could also be the reason for his response towards you. You can consider starting the conversation first next time, approaching a familiar topic to the both of you and see if he maintains the conversation or not.
Hi Kevin
I and my Ex broke up 2 year ago. after that breakup,she move to another city and have a new one for 3 4 month and single by now.I tried to move on but everygirl i dated dont give me the feeling that i ever had. Even i feel very like them. Everyday i just think about every moment that me and my EX had.She had blocked me on social media for a while. Few day ago,i can reach to her social acount. And should i text her?
If you still have feelings for her, you could always reach out to reconnect with her.
Hey, so after a 3 year relationship with my ex we broke up about 4 months ago, it was a fight and I broke it off but then agreed to work it out but at the same time I felt stuck in my city so I wanted to move 2 hours away. Ultimately I told her my idea and she couldn’t move with me since were both in school still. I’m 21, she’s 20. It’s been 3 months since I moved out to another city, and she cut me off saying I gave up on everything we had and such. I went on to tell her that I wanted her in my life still because she’s an important person to me but that a lot my distance relationship is something I didn’t see because of past experiences. Now I texted her about 3 weeks ago pouring my heart out and telling her that she’s the love of my life, to which she replied that I was selfish by throwing it all away and moving out thinking about myself, I blocked her just because I thought it’ll be necessary to avoid texting her and try to move on, and when I thought I was not over her but able to control my self from contacting her I unblocked her, and she happened to go through my Instagram and accidentally liking a picture of mine. What should I do? This is taking a huge toll on me, have been trying to move on but I can’t seem to get over her, and now she’s got me blocked on all social media, I want her back and make it right but I think I should give her space, about a year or even two, the year she graduates and work on myself to see if I can win her back, but the thought of her finding someone else by then and forgetting about what we had kills me, and I just don’t know what to do.
If the relationship was a meaningful one, even if several years have passed, there's always still going to be a chance to win her back. If at this point a LDR is out of the question, then there's not much left to consider besides letting go for now but remaining friends.
Technically, I didn't get into an actual relationship with this guy. We dated for about 9 weeks. He's 25 and I'm 26, we met at work, in mid-february. But what we had between us moved too quickly, we didn't get to know each other properly, due to the nature of our jobs. So we tried to catch up every once or twice a week. Things were going great, until other issues which, involved someone I was talking to prior to dating this guy, got in the way.
To cut it short, he ended it between us, despite how much we liked each other. He said we had different ways of thinking about things, and saw this a "barrier"
We decided to keep in contact, and not cut each other out. A month later, we hung out and he was acting like we were together. Leaving me with mixed signals, because i know we both still have feelings for each other. As of late, he has been leaving my messages on seen.
I am now day 5 into my 30 days of not contacting him.
I was wondering what can I do, to get him back?
I want to work on us, because i really feel as though we have potential.
Complete no contact and attempt to break the ice with him again then. From there if he still leaves you with mixed signals or is ignoring you, perhaps it might be a better idea not to waste your time any further and move on, especially if his stance on the relationship has not changed and isn't willing to work on things with you.
I really messed up! Ex and I dated a year (he was 51, I was 43). He was just divorced a few days when we started to date casually. He'd never put a label on us, so the entire year was casual dates and sex. There was 1 1/2 hours distance between us.After the year, I wanted to know what we were. He broke up with me. There was outside drama, not us, we got along great. We never fought. He has trust issues and was insecure over other guys. No need to be though. Anyway, I tried for weeks to keep contact, he'd reply just to be polite, but drop off on me. Then he went silent after a bad night when we saw one another. After 10 weeks, he made contact. For 6 months he mostly initiated, led me to fwb but then he never followed through. Lots of sexting though. Well I was finding it hard to forget him, and move forward, so 5 weeks ago I sent a text saying I think it's best we cut contact, and I adore him, no hard feelings, no regrets. That I want him to find what he's looking for, and I hope he wishes the same for me, because the texting/sexting and never meeting up was strange to me. (He never once asked me to grab a drink or anything, I asked twice and he had excuses and so I stopped asking). Then I panicked and sent a text three days later, saying to ignore the previous text. He replied two days later with "if it bothers you to have contact with me, then don't do it. It's not like you don't talk to other guys, and when I try to be nice and not sexual, you ask what's wrong with me!" Well he went silent again, so after three weeks I sent him a text just saying hi. He said "it was your idea to stop talking" to which I replied "I thought we cleared that up? I said Nevermind that I said that." Well he's silent. It's been almost two weeks again. I suppose I killed the attraction. It's hard to not text. We had a good relationship, minus him not wanting commitment. I think he's with someone now, not sure.
How do I let it go? If I text, I'll look desperate. Do you think he will ever make contact again? We've been apart a year now.
Ultimately, if you do eventually want a relationship, then his fear of commitment and immediate breakup the moment you ask about it (despite everything else going great) may be a clear indicator of the differences you both feel towards this issue. Also, based on his actions, he does not seem to be interested in anything serious and may have not even been very serious with you, given his ability to break up so suddenly and seemingly no interest to meet up with you.
Thank you. Hurts to hear this, but I need to hear it. Not sure why he initiated and kept contact, other than for an ego boost. I've never had an ex keep contact and not want to meet up. This was very odd to me. All the sweet talk to be fwb then not follow up made me feel rejected all over again. The only two times he tried to see me was when he thought I was at the casino for concerts, but I wasn't there. I'll just assume he's with someone and write him off forever. No need to waste energy on wondering. I really can't figure him out , why men like sexting an ex, it's a mystery to me.
Now this is the situation. This man was in love with someone else when we first met and they broke up. We began some sort of open relationship. He told he stopped loving her and she never stop talking to him and trying all the time to Make him marry her. He is clinically depressed by the way.
We had our fights.. Cut off.. After almost a year i tried to get in touch.. He was still mad.. But soon he answered the texts and then got a long phone call..
He told me that he needs me in his life.. And that my relationship with him makes him feel like poster because i agree with him all the time (which i not true) and he sees himself as a liar and deceiver because i make him feel so perfect and so good and he doesn't desreve it.. But he wants and needs me..
He also told me that he is afraid of getting attached again because he suffered the first time we broke up.. He told me that he lost interest in everything and can't take care of anyone or be caring to me as before and this maybe a reason for not to start this relationship again.
But ended the call promising that everything is going to be ok and we are going to be good friends..
Now he never initiate contact.. Except for one time he sent me some old memories..
What should i do to Make him trust and want this relationship.. ?
Note : he still talks to his ex and i don't know in which form.. He just Can't end this relationship and she never allows to because she thinks he is a good catch as a husband..
You could always start off as friends first, and initiate conversational topics to get him comfortable with the idea of talking to you again. This is important or it'll be hard to actually win him back if you're waiting for him to reach out first.
Hello
Me and my friend was so close then we broke up almost 5 months ago.. I tried to speak to him and he was still mad but finally he replied after several tries..
We had some chat..he told me about his life and his plans and told me that he will keep me updated.he told me that he prefer to be lonely nowdays. And sent me some old photos of us reminding me of the old time.we chatted for 3 or 4 times seperated. But he seems that he pulls back.. I sent him good morning text yesterday. He saw it but no response..
I don't want to be clingy or needy.. But what should i do to get him close with me again..?
My ex and I were in a relationship for 1 year and 6 months. After that, he broke up with me and we didn't speak for a year. After a year, he came back to me but I was too broken by the relationship. He waited 3 years for me. During those 3 years, we never stopped talking. Recently, I came to terms with my anger and I decided that I want to be with him, that I see a future with him. However, he became very distant to me and when we got a chance to speak in person, he told me he got tired of waiting and is in love with another girl. They are about to start a new relationship. What do I do if I'm still in love with him?
As he had waited for you for 3 years before giving up and falling for someone else, you may have to consider the possibility that he has completely moved on since then and no longer has feelings for you. If that is the case, it would probably be better to move on instead of trying to convince him especially if he has no interest in getting back together anymore.
My ex and I broke up over a year ago and she refuses to talk to me. I had let her down incredibly and hurt her on multiple occasions. To make matters worse after I tried so hard to get her to talk to me it only pushed her away farther. She has blocked me on social media all except Instagram, blocked my number and from what I assume and I hear from mutual friends is that she hates me. I know that is only the by product of how much she loved me. I’m sure that somewhere deep down that she still loves me, and that makes her hate me even more. It’s been about a year and half, since she stopped talking to me. She hasn’t dated anybody else for what I know, seriously at least. What should I do? I’m ashamed to even ask
You could always begin by checking in on her casually to ask how she's been lately, and based on how she responds, you can tell if she's forgiven you yet or not. No one stays mad forever, and we all eventually let go of the past, it's just a matter of how long it takes.
My Ex and I broke up in January... since we've been in on and off contact and hung out a few times. We had plans to hang out again in may but our schedules didn't line up so we decided to reschedule. about 2 weeks after that I asked her to hang out for our previous plans.. she then says she started seeing someone and doesn't think we should hangout anymore. I have been seeing someone casually as well and told her that during that conversation also. In the back of my mind I always wanted to get another shot with my ex. The news shes seeing someone really shocked me as just 2 weeks before she texted me asking about a day id be free for plans. I truly feel what caused us to break up is entirely fixable(no cheating, no constant fighting or anything like that) and still find myself thinking about her alot. but now im just confused about what to do... i guess it's just a waiting game at this point? Should i try still try and contact her? our birthdays are both around the same time in the summer maybe wait till then to talk to her again?
Probably no contact at this point as both of you progress on with your lives for the time being (since you're both seeing other people). In the future if the opportunity presents itself again, you could take it if you still have strong feelings for her.
My ex and I were close friends for about 5 years before we dated for a little over a year. She ended things after a major family situation happened and she said it made her realize that there were a lot of problems in our relationship, and that she had ultimately fallen out of love with me. After this we tried to be friends for a few weeks, but wound up fighting and blocking each other on social media. We hadn't spoken for something like 6 months, and she messaged me asking if we could try to be friends again. We spoke about what we were going through, she apologized for a lot of things and so did I. We've hung out once as friends with other friends. I want to get back together, I don't think she still has feelings for me, or if she does they're not very strong. She's said she "handled the breakup poorly" and similar comments which to me indicate she's still glad she broke up. I don't want us to continue our old relationship because we wound up being something closer to friends with benefits than we were a couple. Any advice on forming a new relationship with her?
A lot can change within 6 months. Show her the positive changes you've gone through, and try to win her back as if you were trying to win someone for the first time instead of referring to past memories.
Me and my ex have been knowing each other since we were in elementary so I would say maybe since we were 10 or 11 and we finally have been friends for years and we finally started dating and then we were dating for 3 months and I broke up with him because I was trying to move in somewhere and I had a lot on my plate so I just told him that I feel like we should take a break and he did tell me not to but got to break up with him but I did and then a few days later he got he got someone pregnant and then we were trying to work on it but for some reason it just wasn't working because we weren't still in the right place I wasn't forgiving and he wasn't forgiven and I have been dealing with him on and off for a year and we still been having sex unprotected and now he he keeps saying that he doesn't want to be with me relationship but I would have been with him and we still communicate we don't talk everyday but we talk every other day and we still have sex and it seem like it could be something there but I'm not sure what can I do to start a relationship with him or start over I need relationship advice help
You'll have to understand first and foremost that the path you're going on isn't a healthy one, and the best way to actually start over is probably to go into no contact, because the habits and mindset that have been formed since the breakup won't change otherwise.
My girlfriend broke up with me by saying that she is not interested and happy.... It has been months but she stayed in contact with me... We have arguements and she don't want to be in relationship....how to get her back??
Follow the guidelines in our main article, and probably begin no contact to distance yourself.
Hi I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years both met in school she was 13 and I was 14 and we ended nearly a year ago I still have a lot of love for her and think she still has something for me but hides it as she keeps telling me she doesn’t know what’s she wants but doesn’t want me to leave her life and can’t tell me to move on or say she doesn’t have feelings for me, we talk rarely but she messages me if something is going on with my family or events like birthdays and even sometimes still buys gifts. I’ve asked to meet her for a catch up a drink or something but she just says If she feels up to it it’s been a month again since I last spoke to her and not seen her since Christmas we ended on good terms but I probably annoyed her when we broke up as I melted messaging her. Just seeking some advice on this as I said I still would like to get back with her?
If you've been together with her for so long, its likely that she still has feelings for you but may have lost attraction which led to the breakup. My suggestion to you especially if you've still been in constant contact with this whole time would be to start NC right now for a period, and spend the time making positive changes to your life and even appearance in order to rekindle the attraction level when you do contact her again in the future.
After breakup with my friend of 2 years relationship i tried to reach but he told me that he wants no contact and wanted to cut off completely with me.. Because he changed.. He was angry and frustrated..
So i kept off for nearly 5 months.. Then contacted him again.. He finally replied my msg after 3 trials.. saying that ( he is not angry and he remembers me in a good way.. Wishing me to be fine and says he has forgiven me.. And asking to forgive him too.. )
I'm moving on.. Having other people in my life and concentrating on my self..
But i want to get back with him even after a while.. We were so close friends.. And it's oblivious he doesn't want to get closer because of what happened in the past
Is there any chance? And what to do?
There might be a slim chance, but you're going to have to ease into it by bits of slow and casual contact over a prolonged period of time. Even then, there's no guarantee that he will open up to you again but it's a risk you're going to have to take if you genuinely want to be friends or anything more down the road.
Hey, I left my ex from 1 year and couple of months we stayed on contact (friendly) This year I entered in a relationship although i still have feeling towards my ex and these feelings are killing me and she doesnt like me and always I must start a conversation so I can talk to her but I love her and i want any help!!!
Perhaps be fair to your current partner and end things if you don't feel for her the same way you do your ex, and with regards to your ex, you could always make your feelings known and see whether she's willing to give things another shot.
Hello.. I really wish you respond to my post..
We have been friends for 2 years.. Super close... Then we started to have feelings and started to deal with each other as a couple.. Then his ex appeared wanting to get him back as a friend.. I know what she was willing for.. . We had a fight because i was afraid of losing him.. He promised that she is only a friend but deep inside i knew he still had some feelings for her..
So i stepped back..to handle my feelings for him,so we could be just friends..he didn't accept it and became super angry.. After he tried to get me back and after some fights and no contact period for seprated two months.. Finally i talked to him.. He refused to listen.. Told me very bad stuff and told me not to call him again..he was mad and irritated
After 4 months .. I sent him a sms saying hope you are fine.. Happy new year.. But no respond..
He is not okay with me i know it.. But i want him back.. He was my best friend.
..should i wait for some more. Time to give him space to get over negativity towards me.. Then try again.. Or what Do you think..
Thanks in advance
You could give him more time, but as it has been 4 months and he has not seemed to forgiven you yet, you might want to consider moving on instead.
💔
Thank you
don't you think there is any hope?
Our divorce was finalized last October and we have been separated for almost two years. Our six-year-old son has severe autism. And I am the primary caretaker. How do I apply the no contact rule?
Maintain contact only when necessary (matters related to your son) during the NC period, and avoid personal conversations that might affect your emotions or his during this time.
Hey, so me and this girl broke up on okay terms back around november times, we didnt talk right through to new year where i found out something that completely changed my views on her, so i messaged her again to see how she was doing etc. We talked for abit until i messed up and cancelled an important “second” “first” date where she asked for time to think then decided no to wanna carry on. I rang her up and we sorted it all out an promised id never do it again, after we went on a few nice dates for a few weeks later she tells me she doesnt feel the same she did so we decided to completely leave it; this was in march, up until a few days ago we were still in every couple of days contact until i just decided to be a man and let her know exactly how i feel, she replied shes moved on but was adamant our “paths will surely cross” , what should i do about the situation?
She could still have feelings for you but simply isn't ready to face them or you in the context of a relationship again so soon. I would suggest that you perhaps try moving on for now, and if the opportunity presents itself in the future and you're still interested in her, then you could take your shot.
Hey,
I saw my ex a month ago , she was waiting at the bus stop alone. I approached her and said hello and asked her how she's been doing . She answered with a hello and then she started crying. Because we broke up in an ugly manner , I just said that I am sorry that I made you cry now and I will step away ( it was awkward for me because a lot of people were at the bus stop , mostly English , and we spoke in Italian ) . Afterwards I wanted to call her ( but I am blocked , even from another phone , but I didn't , I was panicking , I didn't know what to do ) then I went to her work place a few days later with flowers. When she saw me , her face has changed and she was just walking away in the opposite direction , I followed her for like 15 metres and I was just wanted 5 minutes of her time so I can apologise or anything , I wanted probably her attention. She said thank you for the flowers but I won't accept them (she was like running away from me)
I can add that I never mistreated her, never swore at her, never beating her , we've been together for 4.5 years. She started to be jealous 4-5 months before the break-up because I was working with s nice lady. I explained to her that I would never do that to her and she is just a colleague( I wanted to propose to my girlfriend for New Year's Eve and when she left the house I showed her the ring that I bought for her and I explained that I have a ring for you and I want you to be my wife , I panicked probably because I thought that once she is gone I will never see her again ) it's s lot to cover what happened in between us but my question is :
After you see your ex and she starts crying in front of you but you walk away because you don't know what to do (because we broke up in really bad terms ) and then you show up to her workplace with flowers asking 2 minutes of her time and tell her that you are sorry for making her cry , she refuses you in the worst possible way , how can you even try or what can we do to make her talk to us if we approach her in a friendly manner not expecting that she jumps in our arms or not even expecting anything in return.
How can we get her attention to have something to work with when she blocked you in every way possible , social media ,phone ? I just know where she works and I've been to her place in 8 months since we've split 3 times ( I cannot go more times due to me working really late and I am not that creepy guy that wait for her for days or weeks )
I respected always her decisions , I understand I had issues that I've worked on them and I was always been faithful )
It's long I know , relationship are a mess when two people are not communicating.
Thank you to all who is reading this and taking their time to answer.
Warm regards,
Cos
Right now what she probably needs is space. Her negative memories of you are still very fresh and that's why she's reacting this way towards you. Give her some space, go into NC and follow the guidelines found in our articles on what you should be doing next.
Hey, I was thinking about contacting my ex about meeting up. it’s been over a year since we broken up. It wasn’t on bad terms. We are sort of causal freinds we view and like each other’s social media and text say hello every now and then. We didn’t want a long distance relationship. Now I’m back in the same area as her. Should contact her about doing something together sometime?
That's entirely up to you, based on what you want but if you intend to contact her, remember to be casual about it and don't go back into old nostalgic feelings or she might think you have been desperately waiting for her the past year as stated in our article.
Hi
Well I left my ex for another girl, she was heartbroken and she actually helped me get the girl I broke up with her for. It's almost a year now and I'm missing her we talk a lot but as good friends not as anything more.I met her yesterday at a party and we had moments like eye contact and holding hands but I don't know how to make a move. Pls what should I do
You could always contact her and see how she responds to you.
Hi
I’m an currently a senior 2 weeks from graduation. My ex is also a senior from the same school. We started dating mid junior year sometime during football season. We have broken up twice now, the first break up she initiated because she thought she lost feelings but she came back to me and told me she wanted to get back together after careful consideration I decided it was a good idea. After that we dated for 4 or so more months and I started to feel like things were not good between us. I started thinking things aren’t going well and I initiated the break up. She thought the complete opposite but after a week or so she started thinking the same as me and we ended things mutually. A couple weeks after I started wanting her back and got desperate and asked her how she felt and told her I wanted to do things again but she said she didn’t feel the same. I accepted that and tried to move on and eventually I did and I met new people and started talking to them like a rebound but i realized they weren’t right for me. Now it’s been 2 and a half months since I talked to my ex and I’m starteijg to think maybe things weren’t so bad and I needed a break. I want to test the waters with her again but I’m afraid she doesn’t want anything to do with me since we are about to graduate and move on to the real world. I want to ask her but I don’t know how and when. Can you give me some advice and tell me what you think please I appreciate it.
There's no harm in remaining friends even upon graduation, and its an angle you should consider instead of just wanting to win her back. The entire process of winning her over may take more than 2 weeks, and you should be prepared for that.
Thank you very much. But how do you recommend me to get in contact with her again. And should I just start by patching up our friendship?
If its been over a year, do I not use the elephant in the room text?
Yes, you should not use the letter because you'll want to come across as casual as possible when starting conversation and not look like someone who's been spending the past year thinking of your ex.
My ex and I were together for a total of 9 years. Lived together for 8yrs in total I effectively assisted in growing her child over that period. We broke up twice during that period. The 1st break up occurred after 3yrs when in my view everything was perfect. It was due to our first fight over a stupid matter. I left thinking she would call and apologize. She didn't. After a year I made contact and we got back together for another 5yrs. We broke up again after another fight over a really small matter I left again. But would have gone back if there was an apology. After 5 yrs she made contact saying she forgive me. I am in a relationship and have a toddler but still love her. We spoke about the break up and asked why she never made contact. Didn't get a good response. She was also dating we went on a date and met up and she gave me the cheek when I tried to kiss. Before that she said she wanted us to get back together. We planned a date but she flaked due to a priori commitment she had with one of the guy she was dating. She said since I was in a relationship we should just be friends. We communicate from time to time but I cut it off cause it didn't make sense to me. Didn't wish to accept friendship. What do u think?
It's honestly your decision to make regarding this matter, but personally it's better to cut things off because both parties are currently seeing other people and it becomes emotionally unhealthy to try and start something right now.
Hi.
My ex broke up with me 7 months ago. We've known each other for 8 years and dated on and off for 4 years (I intiated the break up once and she did the other time). I reacted badly to the last break up because it ended badly and acted needy and desperate which pushed her away. In one instance, I broke down over text and said I really needed to talk. She asked me to respect her boundries. I did not contact her for 2 months after that, then I texted and we had a nice conversation. I did not contact her for another month and when I did it was a pleasant conversation. She texted me a month later to chat and it was another nice conversation where we agreed to have coffee the next week. It had been her birthday during the week (I texted her on her birthday), so I arrived early at the coffee place asked them to prepare a birthday note on a cake with simple gifts. We met and it was decent, but I said that it has been tough since we broke up. She stopped me and said it's done, there's nothing to talk about and I shouldn't let my mind wonder. I said ok. I changed topics and made her laugh a bit. We left and she later texted me saying thank you for the gifts but it was unnecessary. I played it cool. The next day I texted her but the conversation was short. And then intiated texting on 2 consecutive weeks but the conversation was short. In one instance, she told me to "have a good week". I kept seeing things that reminded of her so it's been messing with my head.
I saw your website and intiated no contact and it's been 10 days, though I've done not contact before. Should I again wait for 30 days? It's not unlikely she will move on.
As a background, we have different religions so this contributed to our breakup as we did not figure out how to make things work. I have listed the issues and developed solutions that could work. Another important factor to our breakup was how I reacted and handled difficult conversations which wore us out emotionally.
I have tried dating other women since, but I still think about her constantly. Every morning, she is the first thing on my mind.
I would greatly appreciate your advise.
Best,
A
Since you have already done no contact and even re-initiated contact since posting this, continue to build up the comfort level and bond between the two of you and do not be afraid to start off as friends first and regaining her trust before working your way upwards. Avoid bringing up issues that may remind her of the past unless she addresses them first.
Last August I approached my ex to discuss some issues, mostly about communication. He wouldn't look at me or respond so I broke up with him. No arguing, I just left. I was heartbroken and I realized on the outgoing hug, that I hurt him but I couldn't take it back.
He contacted me through the dating site POF today to say that he was sorry, he wished he had tried harder, then he wished me luck. He said that every time he logged on, my profile popped up. That's the suggested matches that POF does. This opened up an opportunity for me to respond in kind, which was probably what he was really hoping for, rather than closure. I also apologized to him for what I did and that I missed him too. I was also able to elaborate on how the issues evolved over time. Come to find out, he didn't respond because he was shocked and didn't know what to do. I had actually thought about contacting him in September and apologizing then but didn't think he'd be receptive so I moved on. He said he wished I had. It seems like we're both full of regret. Despite going on a few dates with other men, my feelings for him have never waned. I've had 8 months to evaluate my contribution to the issue. Did I ever think the grass was greener on the other side? Nope. We were a good couple for 2 1/2 years, expressing feelings and communication was poor and I interpreted it poorly. He said he thought I was the one, which that's a surprise to me. That's what I mean about us both communicating poorly. I am going to make a leap and see if we can do this better. I would definitely do this differently now and maybe he will too. We're going to meet in a couple days. We are in our 40s. I will probably act like I have the confidence of a teenager. I'm just gonna take it slowly. Only time will tell if we do it better the second time around.
All the best Georgie. You seem to both still have some sort of feelings for each other and just need to work on your issues and communicating properly.
Hi, my ex boyfriend is a Muslim, I'm a hindu and we dated for 6 months. It's been a year apart and the reason he had to end it was that his mum found out and she wouldn't entertain it...but that came out to be a lie and he confessed the truth that we belong to different religions and cannot have a future together (which I thought was completely bs). I implemented the 'no contact rule' for a month and after that, he begged me to come back into his life forever as "best friends". He fell into a rebound relationship but that lasted for 20 days (wasn't serious). Since we're best friends now, we meet often but the twist is, we'd make out intense for hours and I onced ask him during the make out "are you in love with me?" He said "I guess I am". Now my killer doubt is (correct me if I'm wrong)...he still loves me, he hasn't moved on and his family won't except me so he called off the relationship, but he wants to get me back forever. I've tried moving on but it didn't work out, I'm madly in love with him and my whole life revolves around him. How can I get him back? Please help.
Keep in mind that you'll probably have to convert religions (upon marriage) if you want his family to ever accept you because that's how Islamic culture seems to work. Certain religions are a little more relaxed on their rules while others tend to be more strict. He may love you, but probably has difficulty looking past this issue and there finds it hard to officially ask you to get back together.
Hi, it's been a year and a half since my ex and I broke up after dating for 2 years. He wanted to focus on his business growing, and I was a 'distraction'. Needless to say I was very, very hurt. I didn't agree with going apart. I wasn't good in the first few months - messaging how upset I was and how I want to be there, it made him feel very guilty. He ended up blocking me on social media. So I gave him the space he wanted. I went a supported an event he had in September and there was still something special for us seeing each other. But when I went to try and talk a few weeks later he's not replied. So I said nothing again until March where I tried to explain the growth I've gone through and the way time feels different now. His friends all still check on me and tell me things like future holidays/birthdays will be great. His mom loves me, and I've been trying to cut down my communication with her because HE and I still don't talk. I've lead a very choosy love life, he's the only person who's ever loved all of me and vice versa. It's been a year and a half, and I'm over the space. But now I also feel like I shouldn't be the one to reach out again. What do I do?
It would depend on the context of things and by not reaching out, is there a chance that he might? If the answer's no, then the next question is whether you still want him back in your life because if you do, you're going to have to reach out to him one way or another.
Hi, it’s been a year since my ex and I broke up- we were together for 1 year and 3 months. We had a nasty break up after an argument, when he found out I was due to leave for another country permanently (which ended up being cancelled). Then, straight after we broke up, he decided to get back with his ex who he knew I disliked, but he broke up with her almost instantly after. But, I blocked him off of everything including his number and social media, since as much as I wanted to be happy that he’s happy, I couldn’t help but get hurt that he’s fine without me. Hence, I haven’t spoken to or seen him for months until recently when we met at a common friend’s party, which I have attended with a guy friend. Even then, we still didn’t say a word to each other. I wanted to approach him and talk to him even just casually but it seems like he was mad at me, but I’m not entirely sure why, so I avoided too. I’ve exhausted all the options that could help me to move on. I’ve done my best to improve myself, for myself, which I believe was one of the best things I’ve done amidst all of these. I’ve also tried going back to the dating scene, but it wasn’t effective. My heart still belongs only to him. I loved him with my whole heart and I still do. I want him back, and I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t try to at least make the effort to do so. But I have no clue how to, or at least without seeming desperate (although I desperately want him back). I also don’t know how I should approach him since we don’t see each other at a daily. But the first thing I want to do is to understand, why is he mad at me? And, how should I approach him? What can I do to get him back, or even to start fresh?
He may have expressed feelings of negativity towards you when he saw you, because you were with another guy and he felt jealous. Since it's been a couple of months since the breakup, I would actually suggest attempting to strike a casual conversation up with him to catch up, and see how things pan out from there.
Well we were in a relashionship for 11 years and have 3 children, relashionship was rough, I have ptsd and I am getting treatment for this, got it from a job I worked. I love her always did, just I was so different as I used addictions to cope, I was never their for her or the kids, I want to fix it so bad but she won't budge, I don't know what to do....she has told me several times she won't discuss the future until I finish my therpy and she would need to see a lot of change, well I been working hard for me and my kids, but her too. She tells me she has no intrest in reconcile but will always end with I'll never say never, will talk when therpy in treats done, do I just drop the reconcile questions for now...please advise
Since she has already given you the solution, perhaps it might be best to follow it right now and complete your therapy while working on positive changes to your life before trying again. NC advocates the same concept as well, and it might be the best shot you have at reconciliation.
NC is difficult with Co parenting, but my psychologist suggest keep it brief about kids don't talk about reconcile. I have already asked for forgiveness and said my piece by owning up to my mistakes. Some of my issue are things I can't accept blame for. But I agree I have to work on the positive an go with the flow, I am learning to cope with ptsd and my emotions ...I always wonder if she asked me the heir no leave to push me to get serious help...
Continue to work on your issues first, and learn to cope with them. Like your psychologist mentioned, keep conversations brief and strictly abound the kids during NC period and avoid small talk since you've already said your piece.
It is so sad, I know he doesn't miss me, but part of me hopes that he feels that he made a mistake and would like to come back to me.
It has been almost 1 year of no contact soon. I wonder if he forgot about me already.
You could always try contacting him to start a friendship up again, and take things from there.
Me and my ex has been friends for a long time and now I am coming to realize that I really did love him and me and him have hung out as friends. But the bad thing is the last time we hung out she kissed what should I do.
Perhaps have a talk with him about it, to see where he stands on things before deciding any further. Alternatively, you can start to try creating the spark with him to see how he takes it, before considering anything further.
Hello! I broke up with my ex boyfriend 2 years back back! I miss him so much...last time we talked together was almost 1 year back!He sent me a message that he was angry that he had seen me going out with other guys....What should I do now after 2 years...
If it has been such a long time, perhaps a text or email to check in on how he's been might be good at this point.
Hey. I need some advice please! My ex and I were together for roughly 2 years. It was literally the best relationship Ive ever had. We have been separated now for a year and a half. And a year of that, I spent in another relationship. This new relationship started going down the drain about 4 months ago. And now it is officially down the drain. Over the course of being in that relationship, I thought of my ex all the time. I would be doing something random, even if it had nothing to do with him, and he would pop in my head. About a month ago, I made contact with him. But I contacted him while I was still in a relationship and when I was really depressed. We exchanged a lot of feelings. How we both still love each other and always will. But long story short, he told me I needed to figure out the relationship I was in before we got in contact and met up in person. So heres the cherry on top! Hes moving soon. Like within a week or 2. And I told him that all I wanted to do was say goodbye to him in person. So he said "If nothing else, my last day of work is on the 23rd, so Im free after that." He's been texting me since, keeping me updated om his life and what's going on. And I texted him back. But I stopped the conversation shortly after it started and now he hasnt texted me back. Idk if I should keep texting him or do no contact. Or if I should take him up on his offer for lunch before he leaves or not.
Perhaps a proper goodbye might be good since he's moving soon, and you may not get the chance to see him often. You could decide again after he leaves whether it's better to do no contact or not, but judging by how things are, it seems that he does have feelings for you still but circumstances are preventing both parties from making any impulsive moves (like getting back together).
Im kind of thinking the same thing. He texted me today and he was mad at me for not texting him back. Its only been like 4 days. Im not really sure whether to reply to him or give him some time. Ive been reading the no contact stuff. But I also came across Stage 4: Climb of Connection #1. Where it gives you numbered days and what to do on what day. We already went a while without speaking and we just now recenty started talking again. Like within the past few weeks. Hes been very hot and cold with me and on top of that, hes pushed back the day hes moving once already. So Im not even sure if he is actually leaving this time. So Im confused if I should keep implementing no contact or if I should be further ahead because of already completing most of the stages. I already healed from the breakup, i already bettered my life. I know I want him. Without a doubt in my mind. Its been over a year and I still feel the same. And that wont ever change. Hes the one for me. I know this
Since it's already been a year and you're certain, no contact may not be as effective given your situation since there's not a lot of time left. His hot and cold behavior towards you could either be from his expectations of what he hopes you'll do, or is simply unsure of his feelings himself. Find out if he's really leaving for sure, and decide again whether you want to say goodbye.
Well... he's moving for sure. In about 2 weeks. We've spent the last 2 days hangin out and catching up. He is still in love with me. But circumstances are changing aka him moving And me starting school. So we are trying to be realistic about what is going on.. he's going to visit his old marine buddies for a week because he won't be able to see them again for a really long time. So we are going to be away from each other for a week now. I'm nervous and I'm scared that's its one of those "just a little too late" kind of things... i guess there's nothing else i can do now.. i don't really have a question.. I'm just keeping yall updated.. so thats where im at... a little broken and scared..
All the best Stef. Hope things work out in your favor.
Thank you, I hope so too
Hi I hope I can get some advice for my situation. So I’ve know this guy for about two years now and we started dating back in 2016 only for about a month. He went away for the summer, barely texted or called me for three months, and when he came back he broke up with me. We did start calling each other bf and gf very soon after meeting though and I know that he wasn’t really ready to commit that’s the reason why he broke up with me. Now I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost a year, my ex started texting me, even sending me a picture of a gift I got him before he left for the summer. The thing is that although I love my current bf and the last thing I want is to hurt him, I still have feelings for my ex and think about getting back with him. There are definitely some issues in my current relationship which we are working on but I truly do wish I could be with my ex. If my bf found out I text my ex he’d be extremely upset. I’m so stuck. My bf has severe depression and no family or friends to go to, and we live together but I have thought about ending things with him a lot. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if my ex would want to get back with me.
You may have to spend some time to figure out if your attraction towards your ex is because of a genuine attraction, or simply unfinished business you want to explore, paired with the fact that your current relationship is facing issues. Sometimes because we don't get closure from a certain failed relationship, we may still harbor feelings of attraction for that person, but it shouldn't be mistaken for love as often times it ends up simply being the lack of closure. Like I say, figure things out before making a decision, and if you decide on your ex, be fair to your current boyfriend and end it swiftly.
So this is a messy situation. I’ve known this girl a little over 2 years now and the timeline gets confusing. I’ll start where we ended things. We broke it off the end of last summer because there were things holding me back from committing to her. She fought for me staying but in the end I let her go. She dated someone a couple months later and I guess he cheated on her. Didn’t know about him at the time. We ended hooking up after him and she asked me what I was looking for. I gave her a shitty answer which caused her to agree to date someone new. She’s still with him now. However, this is where it gets messy. In December I told her how I felt about her and that letting her go was a mistake. This basically cause a 2 month affair where she was torn on what to do. In the end she told other guy what was going on (how much of it I don’t know) and let me go. She said she had to make a decision and she’s wasnt willing to let him go. She said she was terrified she could be making the wrong decision and worries that I’ll date others. I may or may not. I dunno. What I’m curious about is do you think there’s a chance to get her back and what’s my best course of action? We also work in the same office so it’s extra fun
Perhaps you should first take some time to consider if you're prepared to commit now should the need arise, since the previous relationship ended due to your lack of commitment. Then you'll probably have to decide if you're seriously intending to win her back, or to end up dating someone else because all these thoughts you have would result in your body language. This may be one of the reasons she wasn't sure on who to choose because she wasn't sure if you would commit if she chose you.
I’m prepared to commit. She’s dated a lot of shitty guys and this is the first nice guy she dated. Unfortunately because I didn’t give her 100% of myself her view of me is very skewed. I really don’t blame her for not coming back to me. It was selfish of me to think I deserved another chance just because I woke up. It’s a bummer because everything she said she’s looking for and the things that she was missing me are who I am when I’m not being the self absorbed version of myself.
Hello,
I have have only been in a relationship once and I am a junior in college. I was certain I loved the guy. We did everything together and we had great chemistry. He decided before he met me that he wanted to go to Alaska. I of course supported him in his decision and thought I would be fine. I wasn't fine. I ended up being in emotional and financial stress and ended up becoming very insecure about our relationship. I ended up seeing several different guys and was cheating on him but still to afraid to break up with him. I just thought we could never make it work because he was too much of a free spirit and didn't want to "settle" and we didn't have the same faith foundation.
I eventually told him I cheated on him because I was drunk one night. He told me he wanted space which I was happy to give him. He then told me he never wanted to be in a relationship and it would be a year until he could talk to me again.
I was crushed because I still loved him dearly and I began to realize he was the best thing that has ever happened to me and the person I could see myself marrying only after he broke up with me. I have learned a lot from our relationship.
It has only been about two weeks since we broke up and he has already reached out to me asking to remain friends. (His Problem wan't necessarily the cheating but the fact that alcohol was involved. He has zero tolerance for drunks) I am very emotionally strong and I believe I am close putting aside my emotions when it comes to our relationship but I don't want to be just friends. I am very sorry and I am going to try to be the best version I can be for him and never drink or get into another relationship for at least a year.
I believes we can make this work. I am going up to Alaska to see him in a couple weeks (he knows about this) and I want to know how to talk to him at this point. I am afraid he will do anything to push me away. I won't be spending a ton of time with him since he is working and I will be playing tourist but I want to know what I should do than and than moving forward.
I have a lot of concerns. He seems to be taking the break up very well as if its not even a problem which bothers me a little. I want to know what he is feeling, what would be stepping over his boundaries, how I should talk to him and eventually get back together with him since he is adamant not to.
Since it has only been 2 weeks, the breakup is still relatively fresh in his head, and he would be adamant about not getting back together. However, the fact that he wants to remain friends is a good sign because it's better than getting blocked and having no way to reach out to him. It also gives you a chance to at least build a connection with him once more in the future, after some time has passed. I suggest remaining friends for now, but applying no contact for the time being to give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions relating to the breakup.
me and my ex were officially together for two months but had talked and were committed to each other for nine months before that. but after we broke up we hadn’t talked for a while and then one day, two months later, he made this huge grand gesture to be with me and we tried things out for a while but came to the conclusion that we should build a stronger foundation without the commitment attatched. at least that’s what i thought we agreed to. so apparently at the time he had meant to say we shouldn’t be together but that was communicated clearly to me. and so we had a few heated arguments about what happened and hadn’t talked since new years. recently when i tried to reach out to be friends we agreed to try and work to be friends at a later point in time where we feel as though we will both want to work towards it. we are young and i feel like he wouldn’t make the grand gesture from before for just anyone, even if he thinks he should’ve thought it through before doing it. am i wrong to think that later on we might get back together? when he’s mature and figures out what he wants? and if that does happen, how do i introduce that idea to him if we are friends at that time?
You probably have to introduce that 'idea' in the same fashion as how he first fell for you. Your chances with him will depend entirely on what is going through his mind, and whether he can come to a firm decision and stick by it without changing.
Hey, my ex and I broke up about a year ago and a half ago. He isn’t my first Boyfriend but I’m his first Girlfriend. Reason why we broke up is because I would say I used break-up to sort of, threaten him because of some interests of him that I doesn’t like or support. After that “false break-up” he distances himself from me and our relationship. He also stopped calling me babe, or any pet names. I asked him if he were still mad at me but he said no and I didn’t know what to do. After a few months of feeling he doesn’t care like he used to, I had a talk with him and he said that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. And then I asked to break up. He wasn’t sure about it but still agreed to it in the end. And we broke up. Fast forward to a year later, I contacted him after a year plus of no contact, texting him that I still had feelings for me. We talked for awhile and I asked him if he would like to patch up. He asked to meet up, and I asked him for an answer, and he told me that he’s just not feeling it now. He said he have no feelings, but added that we could still be friends. Is it possible to get his feelings back if we go back to being friends? Or would he really treat me as “Just a friend”? What do you think?
Thanks a million, x
Since it's been so long ago, it's normal to for him to have moved on and lost feelings for you since then. If you still want to be with him, then you're going to have to put in the effort to get him to like you once more as if he were someone new. Avoid bringing in past expectations of how he once felt towards you as your benchmark but treat it as a fresh page.
My ex and I were together for a very short time(1 month), and it's been a year and a half since we stopped talking. Our ending was because of miscommunication. I loved him very much and he loved me very much during our time together. Our relationship was a distance relationship, We broke up because he was going on vacation to an even further place with even more different time zone and I didn't message him enough because i was scared I was annoying him. I feel like he didn't want to be the only one messaging me first anymore so he stopped messaging me first and I stopped messaging him too. My ego got the better of me and I never messaged him and he never messaged me either and that's how our relationship ended. We never fought or got mad at each other. Even though we were only together for 1 month, I love him so much and i haven't been able to move on. I've dated other people but I keep comparing them to him. I fight myself to not message him everyday. It's been almost 2 years and ai miss him so much. I really want to message him and get back with him. Should I?
If it's been that long, you could always drop him a message to check in on how he's doing. However, do mentally prepare that he may have moved on since then or gotten into a new relationship, and whatever the outcome, it's something you'll have to try and accept.
If he broke up with you it might be harder. But I am in similar boat to you. I miss him all the time.
Good luck
So, my ex and I dated for about 2 years - We had a great thing going - we were blooming together! But when it became more serious, I started to pull away - became emotionally unavailable, dishonest, and lacked commitment and good communication. We both weren't very good at communicating about how we felt, but I know and can now admit that I never took the time to really open up. Things ended somewhat mutually. We did keep contact for a while - I declined getting together more than once. When he asked if we could meet to catch- up, I finally agreed. I feel silly now because even then I didn't have the nerve to speak up- So I feel like it was wasted on my part. But it really made me realize I needed to work on and love myself to be able to open my heart, and love back. I still have feelings for this guy, he's a great catch and I've realized a lot of things about why it didn't work the first time while learning about myself. I want to reach out and be honest - and see if we can rebuild. - But it's been a long while and I'm just not sure how to ask if he'd be open to meeting me just for a coffee or brew. What gives?
You could always start off by checking in on how he's been lately, and making some small talk to break the ice since it's been a long while, before you bring up the topic of meeting up for a coffee to catch up further.
We broke up because of poor communication I think? The problem is I haven’t been able to completely move on in full. I’ll date other ppl, but idk something inside of me can’t take anyone seriously. I was hoping new ppl better experiences could lead to a committed relationship but after date 2-3 I’m over the next person & I honestly can’t imdgine another man touching me despite me KNOWING he’s been with other women. I know I can meet other ppl who are equally or more awesome, I’m confident in my ability to date, I even saw a therapist. I’m worried my religious beliefs are subconsciously effecting me. I told myself this person was my husband it was okay to have sex now my ego won’t let me take the next jump (or at least that’s my guess)
Help
There's nothing wrong with having a firm stand on your faith and religion, because it builds character. You shouldn't feel bad about it because if a person truly respects you, he would also respect whatever stand you take. You should instead spend time to decide on what you want, and if you want him back, to go for it instead of remaining unhappy and thinking about your ex all the time. If your decision is to walk away, then you're going to have to work harder at letting go of the relationship you once shared with him because it seems that despite religion, you don't seem to have fully moved on.
Hi there,
Me and my ex was together for nearly 3 years. We broke up like 4 times, but got together cca. immediatly. The last breakup we had 3 years ago, I broke up with him because i thought that we are not in love anymore. We haven’t remain friends, but when we met during festivals (3-4 times) we had a special vibration.
Last week I have found my diary where I wrote lots of things about how I am in love with him and all the dates atc. I wrote him a message that I have found it and we had a “nostalgy conversation”. We talked about how our relationship was “cute” and that we were happy with together and that he is not angry with me anymore (I broke up with him).
I think we had a special connection so I made a decision and asked him out for a “general converstion” (cause he asked if this will be a date). We will meet during this week for a coffee...
My question is only that, how should I behave during that “date”?
Since it's been a really long while, I suggest being casual and acting like a friend. This keeps things open and no one has any pressure since you guys are friends first at the moment.
Hi There,
Me and my ex broke up a few years back because he didn't want to commit but were in contact and 'on again off again' for about year before we stopped contact. The last messages we sent each other were basically saying not to contact each other again. I followed your text examples and messaged him last night. He hasn't replied and I don't think he will! Do you have any advice on what to do?! I looked very needy a#when we did break up so don't want to scare him off or ruin any chance.
Thanks so much!
In situations like these, you might have to mentally prepare that he may not actually reply your messages because it's been a long time and he could have changed numbers, fully moved on and is in another relationship, etc
My ex and i broke up 1 year and about 2 months ago. We had been friends with benefits for 1 year and then in the 2nd year of friends with benefits he wanted a serious relationship. Because we are both adventurer travelers and i was in a long distance we waited. But we were always good together and he would send me sweet postcards. After i was single for 3months we finally got together for 4months but i broke up with him as i was paranoid about his relationship with his ex then got drunk and left him on the side of the road in the middle of no where after kicking him out from the car.
Afterwards i tried to mend it but there was a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication. So although he still loved me he didn't want to try again and he couldn't figure out why. Then i left the country to travel for 9months. We kept in constant contact and sometimes i drunk called him and sometimes i called him from a tent in a thunderstorm.
By September 3 months before i got home i was in the dolomites. He was having a short trip in the Netherlands with his mum. We talked and he said he also didn't know why we couldn't get back together but didn't know when we would actually see each other. Then i got drunk and threw a tantrum and he ignored my messages for a week and then we stopped talking for 3-4months. Ive returned home fir a month and we are both moving to the same small town where we can do the sports we love. But he has a new girlfriend of 2-3months. Only became exclusive last week. I did all the wrong things and begged him to get together again. He was like i cant break up with him leave for almost a year and just come home and do this. Hes still upset i left him on the side of the road back then
The first meeting we had unfortunately i had to see his new girl. We are paragliding pilots so hecwas getting her a tandem and taking photos as she took off. Afterwards he asked if I would like to go on radio and fly together so we did and landed on a mountain together and had a snack and small talk then took off again and hitchhiked back together. Then had to have dinner with our friends and her. I felt sick.
Do i still have a chance? I feel like we still get along and can make great memories. The new girlfriend is from another state and he said he wont move there when i asked him to move to make it easier for me. What should i do? We are in a niche sport in a small town. From long distance to small town neighbors. And it strange for him to go exclusive with her. He was always against long distance relationships
Hi Vivian,
To be honest, I think you do stand a chance given that you guys seem to share a bond and connection that many relationships don't even have. However, right now, he may be feeling really confused because of the past incidents and is unsure of whether he loves you or not. The fact that he is in a normal relationship (one that didn't have as unique of an experience as yours), makes it even harder because those unique experiences, while providing something special, does hint instability. I recommend asking him honestly how he feels and if he still doesn't know, it might be better for you to cut contact since you are unable to move on and it has been a long time.
Hi me and my boyfriend were in a happy and serious relationship from the past 7 years. After that he started working and I shifted to a new city. He used to go party with his office friends every week. I was homesick and needed him more. He started pulling away which made me insecure about the relationship. I faced anxiety issues and tried every way to communicate with him so that everything can get sorted. Since he really cared about me he never stopped talking but it was like I am always talking to a zombie. After two months I finally asked what was wrong. He said he wanted a break, which I very comfortably gave him. After 22 days he messaged me saying that he misses me every day but still cant figure out what going on with him. He said he does not know whether we will stay together or not but he will never be able to forget me and that he is fighting everyday to get back on track to be with me. I replied him that I trust him and that he can take more time if he wants. After a week we talked once again and he still wasn't sure.
I told him I cant wait for him and I will get married soon if it does not work out to which he got a little scared. Post that, he tried his best to be normal with me but I finally broke up because I did not want a love which came out of fear. Is that a right thing?
I think you're doing the right thing. If you're going to wait for a guy that is indecisive about even the small things, such as liking you, then you can't expect him to be certain about the more major things in life especially if you want to get married soon. Perhaps he still needs time to emotionally mature and hasn't progressed much.
Hi there! So my ex and I have been apart for three and a half years now. He has a new girlfriend right now. I spoke to him once about a month ago and he finally unblocked me on fb and sent me a message back saying he forgives me for everything that happened but made it sound like he never wanted to speak to me again. So I have not been in contact with him since and am waiting at least a month before I figure out what to say to him and where to go from here. What would be your advice to me to get him to at least want to be friends and hopefully maybe more? Would anything even be possible at this point? We haven’t even seen each other since we broke up or talked to each other over the phone. I just want to make sure I take the right approach with him. Thank you!
Well, it has been a really long time since the break up. Whatever anger he may have had towards you back then definitely would be gone by now. The fact that he unblocked you is already a first step forward. I would suggest to you not to get your hopes too high right now because he has a girlfriend, but I guess it would be okay to casually talk to him occasionally as a friend. Perhaps after you've given some time, maybe you could ask him for some advice on a random topic? At least with his interaction and involvement in the conversation, it wouldn't feel as forced.
Hi! Me and my boyfriend were together a long time and we’re very much in love! But then he got busier with work and Wanted to take a break because he said it wasn’t fair to me to be with someone so busy. We worked it out and we’re back to being happy and in love,but then a bit later he said he lost feelings for me. About a week later he was dating a new girl. I still love him and I think his rebound girl will fade. Am I right?
Well it really depends on the context of what happened. Was there fighting going leading to the break up? And where did the rebound come into the picture so fast? You have to ask yourself these questions because I don't think someone who is love would be able to just lose feelings for their partner and start dating someone new in such a short period.
Hi, my boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship and saw each other every 3-4 months. He broke up with me 2 months ago and I made the mistake of begging for him back. He blocked my number but we’re still friends on Facebook. I haven’t messaged him for a week and my next chance to see him is at the end of December. I’m running out of time and hope, can you give me some advice please?
Hi Anne,
If your next chance to see him will be in December, you might not want to do anything reckless from now until then that will ruin your chances of him meeting you. I suggest being patient and waiting for that opportunity. Also, ensure that you're emotionally stable when you meet him and if you currently aren't, you might want to take some time to work on that from now until then.
Well to get started I was in this relationship with this girl who had a kid for almost a year. Lived with her for about 6 months. We had a great relationshiop and had up and dowms. I even went through a custody battle because the father of her kid took her son away from her. She was crying in my arms every night but I stayed supportive and got attached to her kid in the process. Ill be the first to admit that we probably moved in together too fast because it happened in the 3rd week of dating. We got too attached and way too jealous at times but my love for her was like no other and it never faded. I still remember the first day i laid eyes on her, it was a special feeling and i havent felt that with anyone else. We broke up 9 months ago and havent talked for 6 months. I lost my job and it was hard on both of us because we were fighting everyday and she broke it off because she's "been in too many relationships and just wanted to be by herself." I feel some of it was because i had too much time on my hands and we were taking out our frustrations on each other. Everyday since the day i met her she's been there on my mind and no matter what i do I cant shake it. At first it was hard but I've come a long way and have been working on the goals I was missing out on. I have never felt better about myself,and,that has part to do with the breakup because I didnt want to be a sad sack like ive seen some other people be. Everybody tells me to move on and I've tried talking to other girls but I just don't really connect with them in the same way. I also miss her kid like no other. One of the best things was seeing him light up when i would come home and,that makes me want to be a father to my own kid in the future. I always have things that remind me of her. I saw her in a magazine the other day attending some,concert and it brought back a lot. She seemed so happy.. Everybody tells me to move on and not talk to her but i just want to call her and see how her life is going and how her son and family is.
Hey Derek,
It's been a long time since you guys broke up. If you decide you're ready to face her, I would say you could drop that text to see how she is doing right now but in a casual manner as friends first and foremost.
Hello. This is gonna be pretty long since i need more of a closure response than anything...but in high school i dated this guy. Half my freshman year and till the end of sophomore. I loved him so much and i know he did love me to, after a while though my immature self kicked in and i KNEW i had problems but when he didnt come see me i would take my anger out on him. Or i would lash out if he didnt text me right away. After about a year it happened one more time when i asked if he would defend me when a guy had threatened me and he said no and said we should see other people. He wanted to be friends still and i had stalked him for a day and yeah...down hill. We didnt speak at all except for time i found out he went after friends of mine and i went into upset mode and asked him if we could start over..you know..like a moron XD. Well its been three years now. Iv been engaged twice and both broken up cause i couldnt get over him and felt i didnt deserve to be happy like he was because of my past. I also have a 1 year old sweet baby girl...thats when hell broke loose. In sept 2016 i had my daughter taken for scuicide attempt. My parents told me i needed to get help but for a bit i wouldnt because i kept thinking my daughter and even my ex deserved better than me in every way. My parents told me that she would need me and if i couldnt be better for her than who will. So i finally got to work and not just my baby clicked into my brain but so did he, i was diagnosed with undetermined bipolar disorder and depression. Today iv got a job and will soon have custody again and a week ago a wedding happened between both me and ex's friend. Well we had a hold arms going up the hill as im sniffling like a baby being so proud of my bestie and we had to sit side by side at the wedding. It was tons of fun and surprisingly we talked and even have kinda become friends. To close this out i would rather be single and see him happy with anyone than to lie to another guy again about loving him when my heart has stayed with one person. Is that bad to finally decide to stop trying to force things?
P.S. also our families are long time family friends so yeah closure sucked...
Hey Alex,
I think you've come a long way since the days in high school. I don't think it's bad to stop trying to force things, quite the contrary. I'm a strong believer of what happens, happens (although at times we still have to nudge things along). Ultimately, the fact that you've accepted everything and have worked so hard to get to where you are despite your obstacles. Don't rush things and if some day down the road in the future you finally decide you're ready to move on, you can always consider dating someone again.
We broke up over a year ago. We were together for 4 years we were great lovers and bestfriends in our relationship, we were,bestfriends,for over 7 years we were friends for a little while after we brokw.up then her.boyfriemd she got controlled.her. We're both single again at the same time what do I do do i jave a xhance ?
Hi Chris,
Perhaps you could initiate contact to find out how she's doing lately? If you still want her back that is.
Me and my girlfriend of 9 years broke up 8 months ago, The break up was a messy one and i did all the wrong things after the break up , we lived together for the entire 9 years and had built a good relationship well at least that what i thought, She basically cheated on me in the december of 2016 wich i caught her at but forgave her, three months later she arrives home drunk and after a confrontation as to what is going on she said she no longer loves me and doesnt want me anymore. Now after the fact i was told by some friends of hers and mine that she had been cheating on me for years wich im not certain are true, she flat out denies it when i found out i absolutely hit the roof and started being needy again after no contact for 2 months. I have basically moved on but i still think i want her in so many ways and for the correct reason.I have broken no contact many times over the last 8 months but she never responds to me at all. I somehow feel she is the correct person for me despite the allogations of cheating not sure how to go forward. I have had many girlfriend and flings over the past 8 months and dont have a problem finding suitable partners but i still love the girl i want but cnat get to communicate with me what are your suggestions.
Hey Jason,
Perhaps right now, more time is needed before you approach her once again as a changed person (this effect can usually only occur after some time) and try to chase her as if you were chasing her for the first time. Do not be too desperate or needy towards her or it'll push her away. However, if she really has no feelings for you as she claims, then it would be fair to yourself to move on instead.
My name is Carl, me and my ex broke up around a year ago, we were perfect I was getting ready to propose she left the day before I proposed. We were together for 3 years and friends for 6 and a half before that. We had a little fight and she left. She was in college, and she left. I've worked on my self and improved my self so much, She is newly single again and I'm still sooooo in LOVE with her. She was my bestfriend and the love of my life and my everything. I havent talked to or saw Her in over 7 or 8 months. But Her family wants us together and so does mine her mom cries to me whenever she sees me wanting us back together. What should I do. Do you think their is a chance for us to be back together? What should I do?
Hey Carl,
Since it's so long, perhaps you could drop her a casual text sometime to ask her how she's doing and take it from there?
So me and my ex broke up a year ago because she felt I didn’t put her on top of my priority list, time, attention, as a man who takes responsibility for his actions I did get complacent but I honestly feel like the good outweighed the bad, and for the totality of the relationship I treated her right. We were kind of doing long distance too since she started her freshman year at a college in a different city. A month ago she recently started dating someone else and I was devastated cause I still had hopes of getting back together. And know I just didn’t want her because she’s moved on I feel like I can genuinely be happy with her. Do you guys think that we’re done for good and is there still a chance. I been implementing the rules no contact, working on myself, self improvement so hopefully this works... ???
Hey there,
Continue to work on yourself for now and try not to focus on her during this period. Since she is already with another person and it isn't a recent break up, its hard to say for sure if she's in a rebound or has moved on. In which case, you should not interfere until she is no longer attached before making your decision, whether you have moved on by then or decide you still want to be with her.
So me and my ex broke up exactly a year ago because she felt I didn't make her a priority, time, and effort. As a man who takes responsibility for his actions I did get a little complacent and take things for granted. I really did learn from my mistakes and I tried to make things work, what I didn't know is all these rules you have to follow such as the "no contact" and other stuff and things that I thought I was doing right it really did more harm than good. I wasn't being an alpha male, those things appeared desperate and needy like you said. Now a year later she is with someone else and it hurts so bad, I still am madly in love with her and I really wanted to make things work, is it over for good and should I just move on. We were together for over a year and yea we had issues but I genuinely thought we could make things work. :(
Hey,
Well at the moment since she is with someone else, it would only do you harm to linger in past memories while she moves on from the past. I'm not saying that it's over completely but you do have to take that into consideration as well. The whole point of the no contact rule is to give yourself the space to improve as a person and to gain a fresh perspective before making any decisions again as a changed person. If another opportunity presents itself in the future, then perhaps you may have another shot at it (but only if you want to).
Hi, me and my ex broke up almost 2 years ago because he went to a new university and started ignoring me.. We were not like we were before, together all the time. Now he even won't have time for me .. He literally started ignoring me so badly after that we won't even talk once .. He doesn't pick my calls or just block me whenever he sees my dp at whatsapp or at any social media .. He wants to stay away from me but i still love him alot .. I want him back i dont know what to do ..
Hey,
If it has been 2 years and he is still ignoring you and blocked you on every contact point, it may be a better idea to start being fair to yourself and move on.
Hey! I was in a serious relationship with my ex. We broke up a year ago. We had plans for marriage but because of his family, he broke up with me but still messages me very often like once in a month for knowing how I am. I have always asked him not to message me again if there is no future but he still does. Tell me what to do because I love him a lot and really want him back.
Hey Surabhi,
Depending on the context of how the break up happened, it could be possible he still harbors some feelings or concern for you since you guys had plans for marriage but ended it due to his family. This is something that you may have to set straight if he is texting you often. Also, you do have to consider that even if he does have feelings for you, the issue with his family will still be there.
My ex broke up with me two and half years ago and haven't spoke in over a year. She got engaged after a year of dating a few months ago and looks very happy. I got an engagement ring before we broke up, but I never told her. Would it be okay to tell her? I haven't messaged with her in over a year. I thought a simple happy birthday message might be okay. I never got much closure.
Hi Brent,
There would honestly be no right or wrong answer here but if she is happy already and closure is all you need, then I think it may be find to bring it up in passing but do not focus too much hopes and pressure her into anything or she might resent you for it.
Hello all. I was dating my ex for 4 years. We had a great relationship, living together for 6 out of 12 months every year and also working together. During the last summer we both agreed that we should break up as we were not that happy anymore, fighting over no sense things and also our sex life was a bit boring after all these years and we were on a point that either we should marry or break up. Nonetheless we went on vacation where we had a great time but i told her that the break up was still on as i wanted to fright her of losing me. She cried all night. When we returned i left for my house without saying anything to her and that night she called me to ask why i haven't called and i said something like it is ok.. But i just wanted to give her time to miss me as i was going to see her again after 4 days. The next day she kissed with a guy, and after we talked she said that she agrees to the breakup and i was a bit confused as i told her that i have second thoughts about it and i am not sure. She said she was sure. 4 days later she confessed she kissed the other guy, crying about it, saying how terribly sorry was for doing such a thing to me. I was heartbroken. She said "love me even if you decide to break up but just love me.." I started talking again with her on the phone but she was not so desperate for my forgiveness. I said i could not be with her after such a thing. (I wanted to be with her but only if i saw that she "begs" for it and really wants it - she did not. I started no contact for a month / going out - seeing friends etc and she did the same. Yesterday i went to the club she was, told her that i am still madly in love with her, that i wanted her back, that i am willing to fight for our relationship and that she is my everything. She said that she loves and cares for me but we can not be together anymore. She said maybe in 2 years we'll see. She said that she's only 24 and we've been dating since her 19 exclusively and she cannot marry right now although we never talked about getting married-we laughed about it. Also she stated that she has not seen the guy from that day and that he's a nobody. I really am heartbroken, but now the only choice that i have is to move on. She seems that she had really missed clubbing with her friends, flirting on facebook/instagram and generally getting the attention of other men. Also i found out she was chatting for a week with a guy and i suspect she is seeing him during the no contact-month as she did not send me 1 msn or call. She was rock solid during the convo except of when i told her that i "cheated" on her during the last year and i showed her a picture of her 20 year old self when we were together on a trip, and tears came in her eyes. She told me to be careful. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, told her to have a great time and left. She called me after an hour to see if i made it safely home. I know that she loves me, i know that she thinks of me as her potential husband but i dont think she is in love with me anymore and i cannot believe that she did not want to give a second chance to us.. Yes intimacy was gone, we did not have any time for ourselves as we lived and worked together but i was expecting at least a try as i wanted to stay and fight for us.. Although she is kinda young, only 24 - i'm 27- and were together since her 19..
Thoughts?
Hi John,
You guys were together for a good period of time. I'm sure she does love you but maybe right now, what you both need is to venture out and grow as individuals (especially her) since that 'good period of time' had constituted of the most happening years of a young adult. This is why she is enjoying the new found freedom to party and flirt with other people because she never really had the chance before this. I'm sure you knew as well that the guy she kissed was merely a rebound for the hurt she went through. I do suggest as well that if you really want her back, you have to stop playing mind games with her. Lastly, bear in mind that the whole point of the no contact rule isn't so you can go back to her sounding needy and madly in love with her but so that you can go back as a changed person and to re-kindle the spark.
Hello Ryan, thank you for your answer. The problem is that all this time (1.5month) i was hooked because she never told me how she feels. With what happened, there was no proper closure. I did not know if i had to move on completely or just give her some time to miss me. You cannot move on if you keep looking back. I was making sick thoughts that she is in love with this guy and that they are together but she laughed and said that they haven't even talked since then. Now that i know that this is her final decision and she talked to me about how she feels i can finally focus on myself and my development. To be 'a new person' you have to no contact for at least 6 months.I just hoped that she would still fight for us, although breaking up for now was the best decision for both of us. It's when i learned about the kiss that everything changed inside and i wanted her back. With what she did, she "won" the breakup as i was the idiot who "begged" her in the end, when i was the one who wanted the break up anyway!Although i dont think she did that on purpose! WOMEN MY FRIENDS!!! And why is saying "in 2 years" and not 1.. I do not understand her.......
Hey John,
To be honest, not getting closure is a very common thing. Sometimes, we just got to do what's best for us and focus on recovery despite not getting the closure we need. Never look at it as she 'won' and that you 'lost' but rather as a lesson to note that there are still emotional issues you need to work on for yourself. Right now, whatever she says you have to take at face value because you guys are no longer together and pushing for truths between the lines may only push her further away from you.
My ex ended it with me four years ago. We have remained friends and even hung out together a few times per year. Two years ago her mother passed away and she asked me to be casket bearer, which I was glad to do. A year ago (to the day) we inexplicably had a bad argument about our reasons for breaking up. She thought I was cheating with another female, but honestly I never did. I think she finally realized she was wrong, but the realization may have come too late. Neither of us has dated anyone, at least not seriously. We have never discussed getting back together, but I have never moved on. I've tried. My question to you is have you heard anything quite like this?
Hi Richard,
Contextually, other people's circumstances may definitely have been different but there are still similarities in every break up. For starters, since she has realized that you were not cheating, maybe it would be time to have an honest talk with her about the whole situation?
Hey Kevin,
My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. I did the no contact rule but ended up breaking it after about 20 days because he texted me needing his stuff back from my place. Ever since that text we were texting everyday for about a month. He had taken me out on a number of dates. We kissed and had relations as well. After about our 4 the date he asked me what I thought about us hanging out. I said I enjoyed it, but I couldn't keep seeing him without some type of commitment. He stated that he liked hanging out with me but he couldn't commit to me. He said he wanted to be selfish. I told him that I was unable to be his friend and that we should stop talking.... which I regret now. We have not been talking for about two weeks. Did I totally ruin my chances by saying I need a commitment? What advice can you give me to get him back?
Hey D,
You did the right thing. You should continue no contact for another 2-3 months. If he is not ready for commitment, there is no point in continuing to see him. You can try again after 3 months to see if he is ready for commitment yet.
Hey Kevin!!!
My ex and I had one year relationship and then she suddenly left without saying anything ended every mean of communication and after 6 months she contacted me and we both continue our relation. After this, for 3 months we have a mixed type of relation in which we had love moments and we had serious argues on difference of ideas on certain things. After these three months she left again by text me that "we can't work this out. I really love you but if we get together we always hurt each other. To avoid this I don't want this relationship and don't want to talk about it." It has been three months and we haven't talked with each other, she sent me a new year's eve message on 31 December recently. I haven't replied her.
I am really confused right now that if she is right for me or not I really missed her sometimes and want to text her but I know her response would be dry that will hurt me. So, should I ger her back? Is this right for me?? (because by stalking her facebook profile I have realized that she has not got any change after the breakup) or if I should get her back? So What will I do then because we haven't talked to each other for three months
Please help me out I really want your help........ Reply me plz
I want to take your advice further through e-mail. Can I?
One point I missed out. In my sms I mentioned the place where we met and had McDonald's several times in Dubai. Let me tell you that she has no relatives in Dubai. She lives with her younger sister. One of her relatives recently shifted to Singapore. After going through my sms she thought it's that relative. Now my question is in my sms I clearly mentioned about the place and McDonald's. Then how come she thought it's her relative? She must have known that it was me behind the sms. Maybe the relative part was just a lie to mask the fact that she knows.
Later I text her in a professional way asking for her email id, so that I could attach my product catalog. I said I am simply being professional as a brother. If she wishes she can give her id to me for my attachment. And she still didn't send.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,
R.A
Hey,
I think you are overanalysing everything. If she told you that she has a fiancé and she sees you as a brother, then you should take it at face value. After a year apart, I don't think she has any reasons for playing games. Especially since she has not been trying to contact you or know your whereabouts. If you want, you can be honest with her about your feelings and see how she reacts. But in my opinion, you have very little chance of getting her back. You should also analyse your current relationship and figure out if that's something you want, now that you know your chances with your ex are very very slim.
Hey,
I think you are right. Thanks for the immense support. :)
Hey,
Thanks for your reply.
Thing is I didn't listen to myself. Instead I seek help of my well wishers. They told me not to look back and to continue with the current relationship by moving on. I was messed up and had no other option apart from getting myself hooked with someone else to fill that gap. For one whole year I followed the no contact rule and recovered myself from the crush & burn. But, my ex was always there. Whenever I started to think of her I asked for their suggestion & they told me to move on. Maybe they did for the best. And so I convinced myself and moved on, gave her gifts and so on. She also did the same with so much love. Now I think it's too late. If I had listen to myself earlier then things could have been different.
I also think I started this relationship to fill the emptiness in my heart & moved on for the best. Maybe it's not working out. If it did, at least from my side then I may not have cared or bothered of feeling my ex so much.
The girl loves me. I also tell her the same, but to what extent I don't do. Maybe it doesn't come from the heart or maybe it does momentarily.
I don't wish to hurt her by being selfish, betrayer, liar or cheater. I don't even know what's going to happen in the long run. If I continue to miss or secretly keep on loving & adoring my ex from the inside and pretend to love her for her happiness, then technically it will be cheating.
Anyways, right now I just want to send an sms to my ex. I don't expect her to come back or have no clue on how she's going to respond or react. All I want to know is how's she and what she is going to tell me. Even if she shows sign of patching up or approaches directly to start from scratch, I will take sometime to think.
Looking forward to your swift reply and cooperation.
Sincerely,
R.A
Sounds like a good idea. Sending a text to your ex might help clear your thoughts. Although, you should keep in mind that the longer you stay with this girl for the wrong reasons, the more you will hurt her. If you are with her just because you don't want to be alone or you want to move on from your ex, then it's the wrong reason. From what you have said till now, I think you are with her for the wrong reasons.
I talked to her few mins ago. After sending the sms she immediately call me. She was like who is this? Idk whether that was an act or not. Because the first time she call, she was silent & didn't say a word while I was saying 'Hello'. I even heard her cutting the call. Second time she said who's this? Maybe the first call was a test. Anyways, I said my name & then started talking. She was normal during the entire conversation. I guess the no contact rule worked. She was not rude or attacking like earlier times and we had a decent conversation for quite some time.
She is in Dubai, where I was before shifting in Singapore 2 yrs back. I told her that I came to Singapore 2 days ago after a business trip in Dubai. Her study is going to end next month & she started doing business since last year. They also have industries back home. So, I asked her whether she could help me out for my business development. She said she will ask her fiance (business partner) about it. I said ok. The way she said seem like she made it up just to measure my reaction. I was absolutely normal. Do u think she did that purposely to test, just to know how I feel or react?
Nevertheless, she didn't say NO to help. She said she will help me if she come across any interested parties. I mean she could have said NO right? What do you think?? Maybe she showed kindness. But, she did tell me that talking to me again won't be nice. Therefore, if she finds any particular party to deal with me she will pass the info to my uncle (my uncle's family and her's is really close). In addition, she said I am telling this to you like a Brother. Does it mean she sees me like a bother now??
Overall the conversation was fruitful. We did talk about many other things apart from the above mentioned. I was normal the entire time and showed no sign of pain or sorrow. I enjoyed talking. Hopefully she also did. Though at some point it felt as if she was getting emotional of hearing me after so long.
The above mentioned doubts left me quite blur. Hopefully you will clear them out & tell me what to do next.
Looking forward to your valuable response.
Respectfully,
R.A
Hi Kevin,
This time I am explaining in short as last time it was not posted.
I broke up with my ex in 2013. The reason being she was wealthy. I am from an average family & I thought in the future there could be problems due to wealth difference.
I broke up twice. After the first break up I patched up because she cried and begged me to. After the second breakup it was I who cried and begged for her return despite of the wealth issue. Ultimately nothing happened as I didn't follow the no contact rule. But, for the past one year I didn't make a single contact.
I started talking to this girl and formed a relationship so that I could get myself engaged to someone else. Even after that I tried to patch up with my Ex and nothing happened as expected.
Now it's been a year since the last time I contacted her. I miss her and sometimes I feel that I still love her even after having someone committed. Afterwards, I really get upset.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. I tried convincing myself like that many times & nothing happened.
In my life I have made many wrong decisions and later realized my mistake. One example which I believe was leaving my Ex. So what can I possibly do now? I feel like sending a short sms exactly the way you suggested. Later I can't when I think of my current relationship. Overall, it hurts.
Hopefully you will say something this time.
Thanks,
R.A
Hey,
It's a tricky situation. I guess you should ask yourself if the current relationship you are in is something you want for the rest of your life (or for a very long time). If it is, then forget about your ex and never think of messaging her again. If it's not or you are not sure about it, then you should breakup. It seems you started this relationship simply because you wanted to fill a hole in your life that was caused by the breakup. A rebound relationship. It'll be better to end it now than later. Be honest with yourself. If you decide to end your current relationship, there's no harm in sending a text to your ex. Good luck!
Hi Kevin,
I dated my ex 10 years ago for about 6 months. There were some weird things that happened in the relationship. They were extenuating circumstances and our relationship really did not have a chance. In the end we basically parted ways on good terms, but mostly I believe that he was not in love with me. Fast forward 10 years. He reached out to me. We both had just gone through divorces. We dated for 6 months. Had a decent relationship. No fighting. A lot in common. Good connection. I thought quite a bit of passion. But there were never any "I love you's" from either of us. Although I loved him very much. In the end he said that it was him and not me. That he could not give me what I wanted. I was broken hearted and the relationship ended. It has been 11 months. I recently reached out to him. We have not seen eachother in a year. During our 1st few text exchanges he said that he has not dated all year. He said that it was definately him and not me with the issues. He said he wasn't then and still isn't in a place for a solid relationship. I would love to remain his friend and naturally build into something with him again. Is this even possible?? Will this man ever love me? Will the timing ever be right? Don't the best relationships come from a place of friendship, or will I always be looked at just a friend to him?
Yes, it's possible. But you must understand the risk you are taking by going down that route. You are investing more on him every day by hoping that someday it MIGHT work while you could been spending that time putting yourself out there and find someone who doesn't have issues and who might just be more compatible with you than him. If he still has issues after a year, I certainly won't recommend pursuing or hoping anything from him. Good luck.
Thanks! & when texting him should I continue to be honest with how I feel & send cute photos? He doesn't reply much to it but when I ask if he is ok with me sending stuff like that he says yes he is.
Hi, my ex husband I and split up 2 years ago over tons of fights. We were very young. Now time has gone by. I have a daughter now. He is in the same place in his life. We both have grown and have been talking for a few weeks. We live a few states away. I am visiting very soon however. He has addmited to missing me and so have I. He never tells his feelings though. I do. We casually text everyday during the day and about once a day on the phone for 5 or so minutes. My question is after so many years but yet a deep connection over years of dating how do I get this to turn into a relationship? And what should and shouldn't I do when I see him?
Just ask him out and set up a meeting. When you meet him, be confident and don't try to rush anything. Don't try to bring up the past and just have fun at the moment. Don't talk about getting back together at least until 4th or 5th date.
My ex boyfriend and i were together for 3 years. On our 2nd and a half year, we were in a long distance relationship. I cheated on him, broke up with him 8 months ago. I really regret what happened, we already talked about it and back to being friends again. Now i want us to be together again but seems like he's moved on to another girl. What to i do? Or how do i convince him to give me another chance?
Continue talking with him for a while and if possible, try to meet up. Eventually, tell him that you want to work things out with him.
Thank you for your help kevin. :)
Hi Kevin,
Me and my ex broke up after 7 years together in August 2013. I didn't want to break up with him but at the time it felt like the only option. After the break up we met up a couple of times but then i moved away to try and get some space and let go of all the anger i had built up (which i did) however, he is now with someone else and i feel like i have left it too late. They have planned a holiday together next year and seem to be serious after only 5 months together. We have had basically no contact since November 2013 but we have to work together (as i moved back).
My question basically is should i try to get him back or let him move on and try and do the same myself no matter how difficult it maybe
Hey Louise,
I think you should get back in touch with him. Maybe there's a part of him that wants to try again. Maybe not. But at least you'll know.
Hi Kevin,
thank you for putting this up as a lot of stuff I've been reading is mostly for initial break ups. To be honest I wished I saw this article before my situation happened!
I was in a relationship with this guy for about 5months few years ago. From my point of view it was a good relationship but it ended (messy post break up too). He moved to away and no contact was made.
He initiated contact recently, he wanted to see how I was doing and that it been a while, we chatted for a few days how we were getting on, reminiscing and maybe a bit of flirting? Found out that he's moving back, I mentioned if he was in the area that we could meet and catch up. He said that he would be in about a month or so. Further conversation was exchanged the next few days but nothing since.
I'm really confused on what this all means and what my next moves should be. Wait for him to contact when he's back or should I initiate and remind about meeting up?
After he is back, give him a couple of weeks to initiate the contact. If he doesn't, then you should contact him.
Thank you for help Kevin
Hello Kevin,
Me and my ex bf were together for 6 months before breaking up. He initiated the breakup after I lied to him. I didnt know how to control my emotions after the split so I came off needy and clingy pushing him further away. After the split 3 months later I found out I was pregnant and contacted him. He said it there was no way the kid was his so he denied it. Of course that hurt because I knew I hadn't slept with another guy and our breakup wasnt over cheating it was lying. I knew he couldn't trust me but I didnt think he'd go as far as denying this kid. Long story short, He got a new girlfriend and I went away for the summer to get away from all the drama. I stopped answering his calls and text for about a month. Then got an abortion and contacted him letting him know we wouldnt be parents. He called and checked on me the few days I was in pain after the process but when I got better he disappeared again. Recently I had a friend checked on him to see if he still felt for me and he basically told her he'd never get back with me because he thought I was a liar and could never trust me again so therefore we couldnt have a relationship. He believes that "once a liar always a liar" The other day I did contact him after it had been 3 weeks since I had the bortion. He seemed friendly but still very distant and short with his words. He'd take forever to respond and sometimes not respond at all. I figured he was still mad about the whole breakup and me ignoring him after I told him I was pregnant but i did it because he denied the kid so I went into NC. But I thought an apology was necessary. He accepted it but said he wasnt sure if we could be friends. Then a friend said it was all because of not being about to trust me and all the fights we had. He didnt want the drama. I just want to know what I could do to fix things. I dont want to hear that I should move on because I feel like there is a solution to this. I Know it might take a very long time to get his trust back but I know its possibly. I just need guidance. We go to the same college so I will be seeing him next week after all summer of no physcial contact. Please help Kevin!
I wanted to add that my ex bf did break up with the other girl. So he is single. But I feel like he blames part of the break up on me because I was pregnant and didnt find out until they got together so I was kind of in the way. It made it seem to his new girl that he had some baggage so they split.
Hi kevin
hopefully you can give me an advice my story is..
I dated my ex for almost 3 years and its been 2 years since we broke up it was like a mutual agreement because both of us were tired of arguing over silly stuff. I regret it after a week but he just wanted space. We use to work together till I quit my job found a better one but also because I got tired of seen him flirt with everyone but we still talk the longest we can stay away from each other is 3 months because is either he contacts me or I contact him. We been close to reconciliation about 3 times during this 2 years we broke up but something always happens that doesn't end up working out. He went out with one of my friends from work but it didn't work out for them after 3 months . I on the other hand been to dates and dated 1 person but is not the same I know for sure that my ex is the person I would like to share the rest of my life with but he keeps saying he doesn't want to date no one he only wants to focus in growing in his career and spending time with his family. And as in right now is like we have become sex buddies . He said he cares alot about me but we can't not even be friends because of the connection we have ?? I have no clue what to do is been hard to move on for me and I think he is talking to one of his co-workers that use to hate me eve if he denies it I need help !
Help please
Hi Kevin,
Would really appreciate your advice in this.
I broke up with my ex 9 months ago after dating for 1 year. We are both 32. She has 2 young children. She said when we broke up it was because I was selfish and lazy and began to annoy her. I know now that I did not put into the relationship what I should have and should have treated her a lot better, but if was my first real relationship. She was my first true love and I begged her to take me back. I continued to try and make contact with her every couple months and would not hear back from her. I think she has moved on and found someone else. I have worked on all the things she said to become a better person as I love her and want to so spend my life with her. I would like to be there for her and her kids and offered to buy her a new car and a house together. A months ago I called her friend to explain this and she emailed me saying to leave her alone and not stalk her or contact her friends. Do you think I will ever be with her again? I love her and everyday without her is torture. It is her birthday in August and will be about 2 months of NC. Should I send her a email or post a card to her. Is there anything I could say or do to have her back in my life? Your advice would be very appreciated
Hi kevin, ive been in relationship with my ex gf from past 6years.
But during dec 2013 she relocated to a temporary place for few months during that time whenever we contacted she used to tell me that she want some break because she is feeling guilty about something.
Then we started falling apart, also my big mistake was i had a software by which i used to track her whenever she used to ignore me..
So 1 night during month of feb 2014, i called her she didnt picked my call and i found dat she is out somewhere else with one guy.. I got pissed off and got out of my mind.. And revealed everything that i know where she is..
After that many fights happened between us..and finally she broke up with me :(
Now i am feeling very guity about my sins..
I tried to contact her many times even i tried to get her back but no result. I am falling apart.. Now she changed her number..i dont have any means to contact her.
Plz help we havent met from past 6months:(
Hey Neal,
Sorry this happened. Your best bet is to follow the 5 step plan for now. Do NC for 2-3 months. Apologize for what you did with the letter. And then get back in touch.
I've been trying to add my comment for weeks now. I don't see it here. Help please!
Hey Lisa,
Sorry about that. I have been away and there are a lot of pending comments. Your comments must've been deleted. Please post again and read the comments guidelines before posting.
Oh ok. Well I hope you get this one. I broke up with my ex April of 2013 because of a fight. We have been in touch since. We met about 5 times and had sex every time. I know I am a Friends With Benefit. But there were few times he would get jealous. or show love. I began to understand its just games. Long story short, I want to know how to get that FWB tag off and for him to respect me? I know the answer is to stop sleeping with him. Let me also add, we are long distant. About 5 hours drive. Thats why every time we met, I had to spend the night. I tried doing the NC rule for a month. He would either contact me within that month, or I would break and end up contacting him. Do I stand any chance? Because I know if we are Long distant, and are FWB, that's really bad. I don't contact him unless he does. I know the NC won't be very effective in my case. Any input?
Lisa,
No contact will be effective if you don't answer when he contacts you. And if he keeps on contacting you, tell him you need space and time right now. And you already know you need to stop sleeping with him.
Hello, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 years and a half, and due to an interchange i had to move to another continent. 2 months after I moved out she decided that she couldnt handle the situation despite loving me. 3 months more passed and i found out that she is dating another guy. In our dating anniversary she received a letter of mine, we had a long conversation in Skype and i could see that she still loves me and maybe that is a rebound relationship, but I still have 7 more months in this country and right now i dont see how i can handle this situation. How often should i contact her? What else could I do right now to have her again when i get back? Thanks a lot
Hey John,
Well, there's nothing you can do to stop her from dating that guy. I'll recommend you contact her once every 2-3 weeks while she is in the relationship and try to increase the frequency once it ends.
Thanks for your answer, mate. Should I have small talk conversation? And its very bad to send sentimental things like a video of me playing ukulele?
Sigh. I can't fuifill no contact. Now he is gone. He deleted his email and change handphone number. We broke three months ago. He found himself a new girlfriend and ask her to stay with her. He created new Facebook account and added his relatives to support him and the new girlfriend. He will be getting married in Dec. We were in a relationship for almost 11 years. He did not give me an engagement ring. Instead he gave the new girl. Can you tell me what to do?
He is doing everything out of anger, and perhaps an attempt to show you he is moving on. He is trying to win the breakup. And maybe just trying to hurt you. And he is doing it because he is hurt and probably still has feelings for you. You should be calm and follow the 5 step plan. Do NC for a 2-3 months. Let him come to his senses on his own.
Hi, I was with my ex-girlfriend for 12 years. We had a good relationship but the reason we broke up was due to the fact that I waited too propose. We have been separated for 3 years now, we work at the same job but on different shifts. We are friendly and cordial to one another and we get along like we are still a couple. We have talked about going out to eat and hanging out together. We have even talked about taking a vacation together. I realized that I messed up and though I am happy that we are friends I would like to have that friendship grow into a second chance at being together officially with the ring on her finger. Is there hope to get her to see past me just being a friend to being together again
There's definitely a chance. You gotta make a move. Ask her out.
Okay, so this situation is extremely ridiculous because it's been 2 years since I was involved with this person. Long story short, there was no contact until he messaged me but never responded, then I sent a letter which he ignored. After 4 months he messaged me from his other facebook profile (I was blocked from his main) but he ended up messing with my head and saying it wasnt him, but thats when I saw I was unblocked from his main..this began a long silent treatment from him, being blocked/unblocked 7 times, him giving me his number just to tell me to never contact him again or he'll file harassment charges. All ive done is ask him to make amends with me, and he's messed with my head by saying he'll respond to one more message "for a while" but never did, and is STILL HOLDING A GRUDGE..hes mixed nice words of wishing me well with calling me names like a crack whore (thats not the exact phrase, but same idea). My point is, at first my attempts to communicate were months apart, then with each ambiguous, contradictory, angry response (2-3 @ a time only, months apart) I started trying weekly, and now hes accused me of stalking him which is a stretch by any means...ive talked with him twice in person, he was congenial both times, told me he'd talk to me or be cool with me, just to threaten harassment charges again..
I get that he has issues, but obviously so do I because yes, I haven't moved on after 2 years...but he honestly hasn't made that easy because he's given me the impression he's still affected by me enough to punish me with the silent treatment and accuse me of insulting lies...I'm obviously not okay with letting it go esp after letting my life be on standby in a sense for 2 years..so if you have any ideas at all on how to get him to stop playing games and just be straight up with me, PLEASEPLEASE let me know..thanks.
Hey Nicole,
Would you be willing to spend another 3-4 years pursuing him without any results. Because there's no guarantee that you will get him back, no matter what you do. Your best bet is to do NC for 6 months and then get back in touch. Block him from everything in those 6 months. But you should seriously consider moving on in those six months.
Hi Kevin ,
I am leaving posts but they aren't showing . Please help
Hey,
I've replied here.
Hey Kevin,
Its been nearly a year but I don't think my ex gf has properly let me go (as it was a nasty breakup: she went to the police after we argued but has regretted it ever since) but she wont talk to me first as I think she has quite a lot of pride and is afraid of the consequences.
Whereas for me I've actually changed a lot: i.e been WAY more outgoing plus much more sociable and I'm more than certain that she's noticed...(She thought I was needy...lol, I probably was)
Anyway right now shes on holiday and I dont know if I should contact her now or after she is back? Also I might have contact her through her best friend as due to
the warning from the police I guess I'm unable to talk to her directly (I think she went on holiday with her as well but at uses facebook more).
If I do talk to her I'll just send a quick text through facebook. The only problem is that I dont know if she'll reply or not...or try and convince me to text her more without her investing any effort...
Sam
I also admit I miss her...but I already know that obsession and love is 2 different things, which is why I also moved on and changed a lot...p.s thank you for this website
Hey Sam,
I think you should contact her. I don't recommend contacting an ex through a friend, and if possible, you should contact her directly. However, if you think it might get you in trouble with the police, you should do it via her friend.
Hi kevin,
Thankyou so much for all the Information you are giving to so many. This is what I needed to fi d sooner.
I met a great guy via kids school ( alternative schooling so on the same page ). I knew his ex partner well ( who has moved on with new man and had a child with ). After a few months of communication with this guy I realised we had a deep connection. So asked his ex how she would feel if we dated? " sure I just want him to be happy ".
We were happy , we shared time with each others kids, both of our families and our exs. It was all I would want in a blended co parenting scenario. Alas his ex all of a sudden didn't like it. Every time we were together she would text / call 3 times a day. I was patient initially as I am aware of patterns and need to communicate with mother of kids. But after awhile I became aware it was a massive intrusion and she didn't want him to move on and did everything in her power to stop our relationship . This resulted in an on again off again. As their relationship was co dependant for 18 years and he always gave into her demands.
I eventually realised I was a rebound relationship and despite the on again of again hot cold that was sending me crazy . This went on for 3 years. We have had nc on off for over 12 months, yet the times we reconnect are open and giving and consistently met with emotional shut down from him. This then creates the needy clingingness of trying to understand.
The 4 times we broke up was at our happiest times and at times when we were moving to next phase. The common denominator is his ex becoming unhappy. Thats when I had enough. I was patient but if her happiness was more important than mine , despite her moving on and having a child with his best friend than I just can't continue.
Yet I still care for him deeply and miss him and his kids and how he was with mine. It has now been over 12 months from breakup and yet we have had at least 5 intimate moments in that time. He just shuts down without explaination and usually after an opening up. So very confusing for me.
Please help . This has been driving me crazy. We are both in our early 40s and have very similar alternative views in politics / education and values.
Hey Deni,
Unfortunately, as long his ex is controlling his life, you stand very little chance. I know it sucks to lose someone who you have a good connection with. But the truth is, he is not a perfect match for you since his ex is always going to control him. I'll recommend you try to move on.
Thankyou kevin ,
I do agree. I just find it difficult as I was happy to spend time with his ex and her family ( who all really liked me ) as they have a long history and children together. Yet now we are both alone . Neither of us moving on whilst she is building a new life and family.
The last time I saw my ex we connected really well and he opened up to the pain of her moving on and having another child ( which I can relate as same circumstance happened for me and my kids dad it is hard) I guess I am just confused as to why he cant move forward and let us be happy as I am not asking him not to be available to his ex or cut her out. All I ever wanted was us all to work together and have boundaries so we can all move forward. Its a shame her happiness is considered more than ours or even the children . Who all got along well too. So damn perplexing :/
I guess I am just questioning if I should still be there for him ? When we were first together he posted how great it was to be in a relationship where he was heard ( on fb) I suggested he might want to delete comment as it would upset his ex . ( too late she lost it and our first breakup ). :/
But a few months later we worked it out and he told me how greatful he was I persisted as he pushes people away ( I heard). So as much as he pushed I stayed ( as I understand depression and the isolation. He still pushed me away to the point I then felt needy (btw I am not ) I have been a sole traveller of the world pre motherhood of 15 years. Quite happy with my own company and experiencing life. Alas I became needy of trying to understand the push pull . The awareness of him not wanting for me to give up but his consitent need to shutdown at any moment. ( mostly at times that really made no sense ... and the shut down could happen midsentence whether positive or negative and there was no clue he would just be gone ) so confusing . So after him asking me not to give up " don't stop when I say no ". To absolute shutdown and no response. This has messed with my heart and my head. Arrghh. Please give me an external perspective xxx
Deni,
In my opinion, you should definitely concentrate on moving on. One of the many subtle qualities of an unhealthy relationship is that it affects your confidence and self-esteem. This relationship turned you into a needy person. And it was clearly unhealthy. Remember, a relationship can only be as healthy as least healthy person in it.
Hi Kevin,
My boyfriend and I have an on-off relationship for almost 2 years. At the beginning we argued about his no boundary and also put up his ex's rules to affect our normal life and relationship, eg. his ex asked him to shut me out for all his friends and family activities coz she still goes every time, he did it, and blamed its my fault not accepting it. After a couple of fighting on the same issue, we broke up. After 4 months (1 month has angry contacts, then no contact), he beg me back and regret he didn't handle things fair and didn't fight for me before, also promise will fight for me and work out future difficulties together. So we were back on. Unfortuantely we still fight sometimes in these 2 months coz situation seems no change. He asked his ex to leave us alone but she refused and hit him, so he surrounded to calm her down. After that, they two still go to friends' parties together, but refused to bring me. Also, he refused to bring me to his sister's wedding. I think its because the same reason, or because he feels shame coz people know we are on-off. But he denied, he insisted the reason is his sister does not know me, so did not invite me, but invited his ex. And he broke up with me coz he said we argued too much. Sounds like blame its all my fault.
I do not know is it a right choice to get him back, coz I feel things won't be solved if he continue seeing things this way or refused to face or solve problems together.
I hesitate because we were sure each other the right person for life. But he said he changed mind when we argued.
Should I move on? How to convince myself he is not the right one for me any more?
You should move on. The way I see it, as long as his ex controls his life, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with him. And I am pretty sure his ex will be in his life for a long time and there's simply nothing you can do to change that. If you want, you can give him an ultimatum. Either cut his ex out completely, or you move on.
Thank you for your reply, Kevin.
I think I have no choice but move on, coz he said he won't cut his ex out coz they need raise baby together, so he won't do anything to upset her.
I have doubts is it me asking too much? Is it an unreasonable request to ask him to bring me to his sis' wedding together? At least he made me feel it is my fault broke us by complaining his close relationship with ex and sis' wedding invitation.
After all these, I feel the things I used to think appropriate to do, now I have doubts.
You are not asking too much leah. What you demand is perfectly reasonable and if someone wants to be with you, he should be able to provide you with the respect and admiration you deserve. You are better off moving on.
Fair enough. Thats what I think too, although it hurts me badly start persuading myself he is not the one, made me feel I betray our belief. But he said that to me when we broke up. Heartbroken.. I will be brave.
Thank you very much.
Hi kelvin my situation is unusual I dated this guy over twenty years ago but I can't let him go.he we dated for five months it seemed as if I knew him all my life.we had some nice times together we would talk on the phone until after midnight sometimes.I made the mistake of telling him that I loved. Him I think because soon after he broke up with me he stopped calling and he stopped coming to my house.I was so hurt I tried taking to him he wouldn't talk to me I tried to see him he didn't want to see me.I was so hurt I would cry myself to sleep I wanted the pain to stop whoever said the best way to get over a relation is to start another is so wrong,although I love my daughter her daddy was a rebound.after I had my baby my ex reach out to me to see if she was his I thought he wanted to get back with mei found out he was having a child with someone else his child is two years younger than mines during our relationship he had asked me to have his child.long story short I married my daughter dad and had another child I always wanted a family and get married.my ex have been talking to a mutual. friend about me telling him bout the fun we use to have and he should have married me.my husband was there for me when my ex dumped me but he is a mental abuser and he's cheated on me so many times I don't think I have ever been in love with him but I always tried to make my marriage work but I'm going to get a divorce I have never gotten over my ex .do you think theres a chance of telling us making our way back to each other.if not please help me be able to let him go.my love for him after over twenty years has never left.I called him a couple Time he won't talk long or he will make excuse to get off the phone but he talked about some good memories of us.the first contact I told him he broke my heart please help.I still love him and probably always will.my ex is fiftyfour and I'm forty nine
Hey Marilyn,
It's good that you are going through with the divorce. Once it's over, get back in touch with your ex. If he's single and still interested, he will respond. If he is not available, then apply no contact and start trying to move on.
Hi , me and my child’s father broke up about 6 months ago. We had a really nasty break up . Our relationship had gone down hill when he had to go away for a while and people began to tell him things that I was doing while he was away for a year and a half . We have a child together that is 2 and we both miss him . He has cheated on me and I’ve cheated on him . But I really want so be with him . The problem is after breaking up he was mad about my selection in guys and the things i was doing while we were broken up . But he feels it’s ok for him to date because he is a man . He blames me for everything . I admit i have a bad attitude . And i say really mean things when we argue . We broke up due to the fighting and arguing . I’ve been texting and begging for him back but it’s no good . He’s now dating a new girl and he says he really likes her . And he doesn’t want to be with me and he’s not attracted to me . Sometimes he says let’s be cool and maybe who know what the future holds ... but he doesn’t really show he is trying . He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s about our child . He acts as if he doesn’t care . I’m very sad and miserable and he knows it and he’s so happy withOut me. What should I do ? Do I have a chance . ? It’s so hard trying to be his friend because I think he’s going to not come back and stay with the new girl.
Hi Anne,
Since he is already with another girl, it may be a good idea to not do anything for the time being as you don't want to be the one who interferes with his relationship and he ends up resenting you for it. If you find it hard to be his friend right now because your emotions are negatively affected, don't force yourself to.
Hi Kevin, My ex and I were together for 1 year and a half (2007-2008), some months of it were long distance. Right now I am 30 and he is 31. We broke up mainly because of the distance and because I was confused and thought I wanted to experiment dating other people. So basically I dumped him, he never had any intentions of finishing the relationship. Some months after breaking up I met the person who is now my husband and we got married the following year. Honestly speaking this has been a rebound relationship, my husband is not a good person to me (he is emotionally abusive in fact) and I am getting out of this marriage. I have a 3 year old child. Since I made the decision of breaking up with my husband, I cannot stop thinking about my ex, I think it was a genuine and very positive relationship. We are still in different countries. I was out of touch with him for almost 5 years. After a couple of emails and Facebook messages, three days ago I had a chat with him via text messages in which I told him about my situation and he was cool and supportive. However he isn't telling me much about his life (he said he would in our next conversation) and I don't even know if he is in a relationship or not. He is very private and his Facebook doesn't leave any clues. How do you recommend me to continue the communication? Should I wait for a few more days? Thanks
Hey Bianca,
Kudos to you for getting out of the emotionally abusive relationship. I don't think you need to have any particular strategy to communicating with him at this point. Just be honest and don't pressure him into anything. There's a good chance he is in a relationship, so be mentally prepared for that.
Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago due to too much fighting but we didn't want to break up and I still held on to the fact that he would wait for me in a way. Now, I saw him at the gym after not seeing him for more than a year. I texted him and he said he still has feelings for me but he's glad the relationship is over and that maybe we'll be better friends than girlfriend and boyfriend. What do I do? Why do I miss him all the sudden? Is it because I want to be with him and I miss him or because I realized from seeing on his meet me account that he is moving on? Please. I've never been this sad before. Thank you.
Hey Tina,
If you want to get him back, you should continue contact with him as friends and try to build attraction. Start talking to him more often, hanging out with him and eventually start flirting with him. I think the reason you want him back because you never thought he will move on and now seeing him moving on is making you realize that you will lose him forever. I don't think it's a good reason to want to get back together.
Great site you have here!!! I wish I would have seen this a year ago. My bf of 7 years and I broke up last June. Since then, we have had brief contact in October, November and February. Each of these times has always ended up with me crying and being needy and we don't talk for months. This last time, I initiated contact after 7 weeks of NC. He immediately asked me to dinner and I was happy and pleasant and we had good conversation and the dinner went great. Until dessert rolled around, when he suggested that we talk about our relationship. I immediately started crying (I was slightly drunk after 3 drinks with dinner) and started getting needy. He told me not to have any expectations of him....and he literally couldn't get me home fast enough. I thought for sure we weren't gonna talk again for a while, but he stopped by last Thursday to say hi and I just acted super cool like nothing happened and we had great conversation and it was upbeat. No neediness. He told me he would text me Friday and we would get together. Well, no text that night. He did call me today to say hi and happy mothers day but he sounded cool and distant. I really tried sound upbeat when I talked to him. I didn't mention anything about how rude I thought it was that he blew me off Friday night. (which is how I would usually react, but I bit my tongue!) I know you say not to act like a doormat, so what advice would you give in this case?
I have been dating and excercising and I got a dog and all the stuff you outline in your plan during this last period of NC and I basically compare everyone Ive dated to my ex. I know he still loves me, shoot he still stores my car at his warehouse and hasn't asked me to move it. I want it to work, but should I go back into NC since it got awkward?
Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.
I think a week of no contact should be enough right now. I think you are handling everything fine. You should continue like this for a while. Don't show any signs of neediness. I don't think you are being a doormat if you don't by not reacting to him blowing you off. By not mentioning it, you are conveying the message that it was not so important for you that he calls you and you really weren't waiting for him. That shows that you are not needy.
I cant thank you enough for what you are doing here. Your daily emails are helping me immensely! I will let you know what happens. As it is turning out, he texted me Monday morning. We went to breakfast, held hands and it felt great. I texted him today to say hi and it went well. I am learning that patience and a smile work wonders. Thanks again.
Thanks for your comment Danielle. I feel blessed to be able to affect so many people's lives through a website. Internet is truly a great thing. :)
I am happy to report that as of yesterday, my bf and I made it official again! After a year of being apart, he told me to put my (gorgeous) ring back on and change my FB status! I strongly feel that changing my insecure behavior, acting cool (even though I was not feeling very cool), journaling/doing positive stuff for myself is the reason why. And if I hadn't found this site and your real life approach, I would still be acting a fool.
Thank you again. It actually worked, and so quickly!
P.S. I want to continue to receive your emails, to keep me in a positive mindset and not fall back into the insecure girlfriend syndrome.
That is so awesome Danielle. Congrats. :)
Hi kevin,
So my boyfriend and I of two amazing years broke up about 3 months ago. It was a really hard and stressful break... I was really busy and had a lot of personal issues (emotional abuse from my family), and he basically didn't have the emotional energy and time to help me through my problems. We broke up - he just said we were just incompatible (i was over-emotional, and he didn't have time to help me)... our relationship had only been rocky for about 6 months, but really amazing for the year and a half before we moved in together.
I applied no contact... we thought about getting back together for about a month, then when i blocked him for NC because he was liking all of my photos and statuses, he decided to kill all his feelings for me when we were apart and when I came back after 30 days, he said all his feelings for me had died. I came back wanting to work on things two more times, but he rejected me completely, again saying we were just incompatible and that he didn't believe in "true love" anyways. I guess the plan now is to wait the 3 months over the summer before I see him again (we're in college) and try and move on in the meantime.
I have no problem with moving on and I want to work on my problems that caused the break up (loading him up with my stress issues)... but he just seemed to be disgusted by how sad and needy I was at the end. Every time I would see him I ended up in tears, and I feel like I ruined my chances of showing him that I can be strong and independant. For the month after we broke up, he would tell me it might work out and that he thought of me a lot. A month after that he said it would never work out and we were fundamentally not meant to be together. Any hope for this?
I want to get back together because he is and was my closest friend in the world... we grew apart because of work and stress and I feel like he's forgotten who I am. When I come back in 3 months, should I try to be friends or just avoid him and let him come to me? Every time I came to him I was rejected.... even after NC. I feel like he just wants to move on and date other people... especially since he told me how much he loves the freedom of not being together. He also doesn't believe that people were meant to stay together for a long time. Any advice?
When you come back, give him some time to initiate contact with you. I'll say at least two weeks. If he doesn't initiate contact, then you should initiate contact. But keep things light and don't make it obvious you want to get back together.
Kevin, Hi there!
It's awkward for me to do this. But I've seen lots of people messaging you. So I would try to ask for help. I'm in very much in NEED of help!
My American bf and I have been together for a year but we have to separate places because of his work and I need to come back here in the Philippines. For two months of being separated and in LDR he seems to changing. That's where I started to get over jealous and often assuming the worst. I always ask him where did he go, who was with him everytime he's out.
One night on dec (13th) we had this argument , me complaining things. That he doesnt have time for me etc. Then he hung up and didn't want to talk to me even I called and texted a lot. He said he's gonna talk to me "later". On the second day I called him, he answered for a bit then told me he's gonna call back when he gets home. He sounded irritated still. I've waited for hours before I called back again. But, that's when I no longer could able to reach him. He never contacted me since.
No Xmas greetings,Even new year greetings. I text, email and call him every single day and tried to reach him even asked his parents(yea i did) to get ahold of him for me. But he never contacted me despite of my pleading and begging to talk to me. On jan.8 he finally contacted me thru email. And that was a broke up e-mail. Of course I was totally shocked. From then I asked, begged every single day for him to come back and give me more chance and promised him that I'm gonna change as being a jealous person. At first month of talking to each other since the break up he seems to still care for me and love me.
He even admit to me that he had thought of giving me a chance but because he see me not changing, always jealous even we already broke up , he got mad and told me there's now way now. And he really distant and cold. One day last month I sent him an acceptance letter that I'm accepting his break up, but after couple days I get back to what I used to do texting and asking him a lot of things. Because I can't! I just can't! I love him so much... So much that I can't move on. Its been 5 months now and I'm still miserable. Tho he told me multiple times to just move on and lose my hope cuz we will never get back together and he's not seeing us being together again, do u think I still have a chance if I'll follow your advice. He also said that the love he has for me is not the same as before. Anymore. We both on our 30's. Please help me what should I do.
He's now in the Florida, US and I'm in the Philippines. He was the reason too why I came back here from Japan. We still have contacts, sometimes he's ok. And he would tell me if he feels I'm accepting his offer as being friends then he's gonna treat me well. He doesn't want to talk about us anymore. He's a good man. A faithful one. I know. But he completely changed to a personality I haven't known of. Since just yesterday i didnt contacted him after he really got mad at me again and cursed a lot. What can I do more?
Hey Anne,
Sorry you are going through this. I think if you follow the plan and make changes in your life and learn to be happy without him in your life during no contact, then you will have a pretty good chance of getting him back.
Thank you for your reply Kevin.
It's me again. I forgot to tell you that we are talking still almOst everyday. I started to not texting him since last week and I failed last night. Cuz something happened that I thought he should know. He replied today, as usual cold nd distant. One word in every long message I send. Uhm, I guess I am going to buy your relationship rewind online (if I'm not mistaken) tonight.
You'll have to stop texting him for a while.
Hello, I originally meet my ex about 14 years ago, we liked each other then. However we were married to different people, so nothing happened. Over the years we saw each other a few times by accident. Then in September last year I made a comment on fbook on a mutual friends page. With in 2 weeks we were going out. He was very full on while I had my guard up. Talking about the future and it had been years since he had that emotional connection with anyone. After 6 weeks I started to trust and let my guard down. I felt him start to pull away then some sad things happen on his side which were out off our control. A few weeks later I got the talk "I'm not ready for commit ment" It was all very civil, I tried to apply no contact rule.
However he made contact and even helped me by hiding children's Xmas presents and bought them up Christmas eve. Since then we have seen each other a few times and we have a laugh. Most of the time now it is me who initiate contact via text. A few weeks ago he admitted he missed elements off our relationship and a few things he doesn't. Then a few days later I saw something on Facebook so I contacted him. (I feel there are unresolved issues to do with grief) I suggested that he spoke to someone.
This went down like a lead balloon. Yesterday I sent a light hearted text and asked for his advise on something. I got back the advice bit, it was very neutral. Then for some strange reason I looked on this dating site to see he was on :-(
I find this heart wrenching. I really don't know what to do. First I do want to explain why I said about getting help. My head stays let it go my heart is a different matter tho! Do we have a chance? Thank you
Hey,
Your relationship was short and if you are right about his unresolved issues, your chances are even less. I think you should apply no contact for a 2-3 months and let him deal with his issues. That's your best bet.
Thank you.
hi kevin,
if a man breaks up with you....for one year he stays away....but at times after a month or two messages a casual message saying he misses you but then again turns a cold shoulder and enters no contact.....what does it mean? Has he moved on? Last year he left me but he after every month he wud always try to initate a contact....i always responded to his messages telling him i still lv him.... last month around mid of march till mid of april he had started initiating the contact with me literally pleading to talk with him saying he values me a lot and saying that he knows that i am the only true friend who cares for him.....then all of a sudden he vanished again!
later i found they both went out of station....she is tooo young for him but she is totally crazy about him and entered his life in past few months,,their relationship has grown from platonic to i think something close in past few weeks...they work together in same office so practically they live together 24x7 as even go out of station for official work.....that girl has admitted on fb that she loves him a lot and he is the best man of her life....she even keeps posting a lot of their pics together....although he refuses that to me and simply says she is crazy girl.
Fact remains I cant cut her away from him as they both work together...sadly she is always glued to him wherever he goes and I know it is he himself who makes her tag along as males enjoy females who give them all their attention and love...anyway i am no one to comment on that but I always believed it was his rebound but even if it is not i am more concerned to know what feelings he has for me and will he ever come back??
since 15th april we both hv entered no contact again....this time I have decided to not reply to any of his messages till 3 months( If ever he messages which now I seriously doubt as I think he has finally moved on with another)...........oh kevin .....even the thought of his not missing me hurts me.........I have loved him a lot....we shared a most beautiful relation....i have waited for his come back committed to me for one year....I still wait and hope for some miracle as I still love him.......it was true from my side and i am unable to fade it.....although I have tried hard to cut off cords with him still I hope each day for some miracle...
Now considering that I really want him back please tell me what is the wisest thing to do....he is a good man and not bad....i think we both simply need time together and we shall be bonded again but he has denied to give me that time.......I know 3 months no contact time from my side is a huge jump in faith...i may loose him forever as he may start finding comfort and be more close to this other female who as such is already to have a hot affair with him or perhaps who is already having that :(.....but what other option is left for me...nothing ......my world has fallen apart and it seems I stand helpless as I find no way to integrate our world together again.......please please please advice me is my entering no contact with him at this point a correct decision.....also do advise what all I need to do to save this relation,,the hope that I am still hanging on to.....kindly shed some light and kindly make me see things clearly.....is there still a hope of reunion or is the man totally over me and moved on? if so then till last month why did he messaged me and said that he values me??why his actions never seem to match his words as he chooses to vanish away from me everytime by entering a no contact but again after few months tries messaging a casual hi.......well this time I somehow feel that he has cut the contact forever and would never initiate a message again...........oh and i dont want to even initiate the message also as last one full year i have messaged him so much that now i feel so stupid....oh kevin our love was so blessed,,still hard to believe it is finally over......what do you say is there a chance?
You are doing the right thing by doing no contact for 3 months. As for hope, I think your chances are less. But you have a chance nonetheless. I'll recommend you prepare yourself for the worst during these three months.
Kevin,
thanks for ur response......i am too confused.....since last one year this man is practically living with other, sleeping with other,,,enters a no contact with me but then after a month or two messages me to remain friends with him...sometimes saying he still values me and lvs me and sometimes saying he is still roaming lost in the world.....but never ever once trying to be with me......I have become most confused now.........if my chances are less then why till date the cord between us has not cut from both sides...I knw he is happy with the other but what makes him message me then?? I really cant understand this piece of male psychology....its been like this for past one year
i really dont know...deep down my mind says it is all over this time as since last april he has blocked me from his social site and esp when his relation with other female has also grown drastically intimate i guess....but deep down my heart keeps waiting for him to come back and give our relation a chance...
u say my 3 months contact is the correct thing...Just 5 more questions if u answer I shall be obliged--
1.what to do...should I vanish or should I reply him if at all he messages after a month or so that why I am not talking to him now...
2.secondly if we somehow happen to see eachother as we live nearby, should I ignore him or should I smile and say hello like an aquaintance?
3. what if he doesnt message me once in these 3 months and doesnt unblocked me in his phone....then what should I do after 3 months,,still message him after 3 months or shd I keep waiting till he decides to revive our relation again and messages me if again?
4. he even till last time that is in april when he initiated contact with me before going nc again ,,till that time also he said moments spent with me were most special for him and he has not been able to erase them completely ....then what should I take it as ...is his love for me really true and should I give him the time to decide his inner feelings about me?
I love him a lot and would be most happy if our relation grows again but I am too hurt and I fear from his leaving me again and again....help me.....I am not able to integrate myself together as despite all I still forgive him and love him the same :(
5. And yes what if in between his relation with the other female goes little rough and he comes to me for support,,,shd I be there then or should I simply stick to my nc rule till full 3 months?
Thanks ,,waiting for ur reply
1. Ignore him. If he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space and time.
2. If he says hi or is making eye contact, say hi. But don't start a conversation and if he does, make up an excuse and end the conversation asap.
3. First of all, you should make an effort to move on during these 3 months. Go out on dates as well. If after 3 months, you still want him back, then you should message him, regardless of him contacting you.
4. Take it as his confusion. Every time he contacts you, he contacts you to see if you are still available for him. It's reassuring for him to know that someone is waiting for him if someday he finds himself lonely.
5. That's your call. I'll recommend you stick to NC. Although, supporting him during that time also has some advantage.
Thanks a lot kevin...so sweet of u to be there and answer me point wise....I wish I knew abt u and ur site one yr bck then I am sure things wd hv surely been on my side as at tht time everything was fresh and he really missed me truely then....bt like a fool i made mny mistakes like pleading..messaging again n again and wht not and now time and the other female hs entered and maybe he hs moved on....who knows....one yr is a long time and now whn I look bck I realize I screwed all wonderful chances of getting bck ..I still love him lets see wht future holds for me aftr 3 mnths....bt yes one thing i must say though i lost time still ur advice till date stands the best ....u are tooo wise and I would recommend everyone to listen to ur advice as it always does work...thnks n god bless.....will talk bck to u later perhaps as I really dnt knw wht shall happen in cming mnths and whn next I shall need ur help...hope u will be there always...thanks and be blessed and ys please do pray tht he misses me and comes bck to me comitted forever.
I wish you the best K. Thanks for your comment. )
Hi Kevin,
I messaged privately yesterday & I know I'm being impatient, I just wanted to know if you got it & when you would be able to reply?
Denise
Hey Anon,
I'll try to get back to you soon but I am a little backed up with the emails. Is it possible for you to post your query here.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks, I slipped up at the weekend so back to day 2 of NC, so I'll just wait to hear from you :)
My ex and I were together 2 years.. We had a nasty break up but we both know what went wrong.
He moved away ( 3hrs away) We have been in constant contact since and met up occasionally.
However I recently found out he has had an on/ off girlfriend where he lives for past year. During that time we have been in contact!
She found out about me and took him back... I was destroyed because of the lying. I am now applying the no contact rule.. But really want some explanations .. I'm v hurt and lost as to what to do
I think the best explanation is that he was a jerk and he doesn't deserve your time and energy. You wasted enough on him already. It's time to move on.
Kevin,
Me and my ex have been broken up for a couple months now. I went through the no contact period and I emailed her. We have been talking via email for a couple weeks now. The conversations have been fine. Mostly small talk. I was going to ask her out to lunch pretty soon, but she hasn't responded to my last email. It's been a week. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
Thanks
Wait another week and email her again.
Hey Kevin,
I started a new relationship in February of this year for the first time in two years. My ex broke up with me last week because “he has no time to date” due to him trying to find another job and attend school (I’m not sure if this is the actual reason). We got back together two days later due to me calling and texting him expressing how much I missed him. For the following week nothing felt the same. I found I was calling and texting him more than he was trying to contact me, and he acted as if he didn’t want me around. So I broke it off with him after an argument about him not seeing me for two weeks (he live 20 mins away from me). I ended it peacefully with a text stating that maybe he was right that we needed space apart and that if its meant to be it will happen on its own (He never replied to my text). I was his first girlfriend and he was really ill experienced in communication and dedicating time to me. I really miss him a lot but my pride will not let me force someone to stay with me if they don’t care about me anymore. I’m not sure if these 5 steps will work for my situation I think I’ve lost him forever ☹.
Hey Lana,
I think you do have a chance and the 5 steps might work for you. It's worth trying.
Dear Kevin
I don't normally ask my problems or seek my advice about dating but for some reason reading your blogs and people's questions and how you respond to them. I would ask my family and friends but for some reasons, my friends who never experienced something like this give me wrong advice's. I was debating to even message you a question, but here goes.
I met my boyfriend 3 months ago (november) however nothing started to be official until December when we confirm to be bf and gf. however a long the weeks ahead we had little quarrels either it could be miss communications and ego/pride. There were times when were doing just fine, but then he ruins the moment by saying or doing something stupid. My friends say we were on and off. He said he loves me so much that he cannot bare to loose me. He even did drastic measures to get my attention back. But I was scared. because everything was going way too fast and I didn't know how to handle the situations. I thought of unfriending him on facebook, ignoring his calls, and do the cliche "lets breakk up". Out of anger I do these. But there was a time where he asked to meet up late at night over fight. I did that ignoring phase. But it was painful because I like him so much that I was scared. he gave me a chance but I blew it. I guess I did the wrong moves. but he was actually my first boyfriend, which I couldn't tell him. (I know a few facts about him, that he has all these girls messaging him, but there was a time I saw his messages to all his exes that he "loves them" and "wants to get married" I read the patterns he tells them. Dishearten, so every now and then when he talks to me I sense the same pattern. ) He is 2 years older than I am. I'm 23 and he is 25. Now that we are in long distance. It is harder because I can't see him at all. It was a rocky 3-4 months communication. I did all the talking, I mostly talked about my day-to-day, then i asked him what he is up to. but he gives me the 1-2 words empty conversation. It gave me headaches. He told me I am boring and not interesting anymore. I even cried myself to sleep for weeks because he never tried to even talk. I am not the type of person to send "I love you" or really cheesy love lines. and yes sometimes I don't even know what to say. He'd ask if I love him, and how much. and I would say a lot. As the months came the more I missed him. Since we're not together physically we tried to skype each other frequently but the problem is our communication. I did the ignoring stage but he kept calling me non-stop. we even had fight online, he would say I am the problem, I am a bitch and stupid enough to understand, I act like an elementary mind set, and this and that. While all I do is stay calm, try to reason it out, and not say anything to him cause infact I am scared to of fear that he will let me go. We fought even to say "lets break up" because he doesn't see this relationship go anywhere.
He has work in another country for 6 months while I am stuck in the states. For the few 2 months I have been grieving, beating myself up to it, crying like an idiot. When in the first place I did the dumping first because i THOUGHT it was the right way, but i ended up falling for him after. Like I took his love for granted and now that I want him so bad I get treated like shit.
My friends/family are concern of my health. This boyfriend or ex boyfriend treats me like shit on skype he would tell me curse me words of the "F'Us" the "Bees" call me a loner with no friends. And when I really got fed up because I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK. I stopped everything. He would call me, text me, even skype messages
he would say hes sorry, that he is wrong that he loves me and miss meso much. then here i am to fall for it and answer. he said he'd change but he never does and tells me that i am still boring. I honestly have nothing to talk about anymore.
I am starting to think I am boring. But comparison, he is a guy who admits he never likes music, only reads political and business types of books, drinks every weekend after work, parties etc. I was told he is a party person. but honestly when I look at it, its not fun. I am the opposite, introvert&extrovert in between, I like to dance, read books, create art, outdoor activities, talk be with friends, listen to music. and pretty much anything I find interesting. to label me boring i question myself all the time.
this long distance kills me. and i wanted him back so badly but he keeps saying he cant because of his work, that I SHOULD go to HIM. I mean I can, but I can't since I am financial down, and I tried but I have no money which I explained to him. But he tells me that "its not becuz u cant its becuz u didnt try" and he goes "i cant believe and trust u anymore". I stare at those words and i am like begging already to make him understand. how is trust involved when one person has no money to travel to see them. and before all of this. he did mention he would hurt me if ever i see him.
recently this long distance has got me thinking I am the problem. but when when he said to our last breakup online he goes on saying that he will never say sorry because he thinks it is 100% my fault. then i reason it out, then he tells me that if yes he wants to break up unless i dont see him in the country he is in now. and im like its not fair! cuz im still going to university and working 3 jobs but the money is not enough. he even called me a beggar. how can I be one, when I am working 3 jobs to save for my studies and pay bills. and now another baggage to see him. but when he said "your a poor beggar, beg on" he pushed a wrong button and I exploded. I am tired. Why cant he just come and visit me instead?
Recently, he told me to get married to him but i didnt say anything. cuz if i said yes he'd tell me to fly out. but I have my goals to finish my 2nd course in university. he would countless say he loves me so much. but what i dont get is, he calls me a bitch, screams out the "f-us" and call me "friendless loser with no friends" then when i stop talking to him he calls me saying he loves me. I have never been in such a roller coaster. It makes me MAD and SAD. but still I love him well..half of it anyways.
Then today he asked if I want to have sex with him, and it was out of the blue. he even asked me to send my naked photo to him. and when i asked why, he demands it on the spot. I didnt reply. and no I wont send it. I know for a fact he'd either threaten me with those. But I am so scared he would leave me. I wanted to email him that I am not the type of woman to send those, if he loves me he would respect me.
but im scared, cause with my over thinking I fear he would insult me of my personality call me boring and all the names a high school kid would say not a manly way. nope.
my family and friends said that he is only after getting it from me and doesn't care about me. after he cursed me right, he would ask if he can call. and when i pick up he doesnt say anything at all. ignored.
will he really come back for me? but after i type this i dont know.
I saw his TRUE colours. with this long distance.
that is why i couldnt say yes to him thru marrying. and to the point even if I smile to the fact I am scared. but then again even if i said yes, it is just words.
I was told, if he was a decent man he would fly out back and propose normally.
SORRY for the paragraph. but i had to point out it out.
please reply. thank you
Sky,
He is emotionally abusive and you should apply no contact rule for at least 3 months. I know you feel like you love him, but trust me you are just attached to him and are afraid of losing him. The feeling you have is just FEAR of losing someone who was close to you. This feeling can easily be mistaken for love. I'll recommend you tell him you need some space and time and you don't want him to contact you for three months. Then start no contact and even if he contacts you, don't answer.
Look at yourself, you are scared, you are doubting yourself, you are just hoping he will become a decent man, when clearly he is not. Were you this much miserable before you met him? Love is supposed to make you feel better in your life, not worse. Love helps you grow in your life, it doesn't make you doubt yourself. It's not love Sky, it's FEAR.
Hey Kevin,
So I dated this amazing girl for over 2 years but to be honest we jumped into seeing one another before I was ready and before I had had a proper amount of time to get over my previous ex. I carried this throughout out relationship and as a result I couldn't figure out if I loved her or not. My feelings where always clouded. We broke up and got back together a number of times during this period and then in August of last year I broke up with her one final time in order to process a large proportion of other stuff as well as my feelings for her. Anyway I took the time I needed (approximately 5 months), did some work on myself, worked out what I wanted and realized I was desperately in love with her. Then after a period of about 5 months of no contact I went out with her one night and told her exactly how I feel. She rejected me and told me it was too late and that she wasn't in love with me anymore, that she had met somebody new and that I needed to let her go. Anyway, I did, I started dating again and met somebody new. All the while we were having to see each other every day. We work together in the same small building and it is impossible for us not to engage with one another which makes the no contact rule almost impossible. I desperately want her back because I know that I love her and that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please help me.
Hey Mike,
I think you should continue contact with her and try to build attraction slowly under the pretence of friendship. Hopefully, her new relationship won't last long. You've already done no contact for 5 months so I don't see a point in doing it again.
Hey. so my "ex" are I have been dating for 9 months, but were close friends for about half a year before that. We live on other sides of the world and met in mine as friends and stayed after going into a relationship. Half way through I moved to his country. We got in a huge fight and I ended up booking a ticket home.. so now I'm home. but before I left we said we would take it day by day in 6 months we would see each other again while travelling. Before I left, and a week after I got back he was so sweet to me telling me he was in love with me and always would be... but now he is acting all shady, he is telling me doesnt really know whats going to happen, and when we will meet up etc... i dont know what to do!! we are so close, best friends. just so out of character. i have only been back a couple of weeks!
Apply no contact. And follow the 5 step plan.
Dear Kevin my wife and I were together 25 yes this April 2014. We married in 1991 in August 2011 I woke up and she and my 18 yr daughter and 5 yr old son were gone. From 2002 to 2010 we were in a lawsuit with my first wife it was horrible. We lost $300,000 our entire savings paying the ex them I lost my $150,000 year job then our home.Then she left found out 2 years later she was having a 5 month affair during our last months together. She now lives in Northern CA with my son,my daughter lives in Middle CA I am in Scottsdale where we lived 20 years.She has lived with a Guy now for a few months but dating over 1 year. We were having marriage problems and were not very sexually active it was me nit her.She had no Dad growing up and has had trouble with men raping her prior to our meeting .I was the first Guy to actually Love her and still do. She left me in 1991 for a year had affair i found out she stayed angry at me dated / sex told me after we reunited she hated me and didn't want to come back that's why she dated many men, A year later married now,she did exact same thing. 5 months then came back had our daughter moved to AZ all's well until 2003 lawsuit and job made me a nasty selfish jack ass no sex or attention from me for years had sin in 2007 she called our the immaculate inception it killed me but at point she pushed me away romantically.
Left and is Very angry at mea about things I did etc.No divorce no I love you or don't love you nothing. No nothing?
I Love her and my children and to this day am sick in love and would like her to try again to make a new marriage any thoughts?
James Arizona
Hey James,
I am sorry you are in this situation. I guess you can try following the 5 step plan to get her back. I'll suggest you keep a no contact period of 4 months and try to learn to be happy without her.
what do i go after the no contact rule?
Read the 5 step plan.
I fell in love with my male best friend. We were together for more than 2 yrs as boyfriend and girlfriend.. We got along great as bffs but not as boyfriend and girlfriend. I had a life altering event in that caused me to put my life into perspective and I decided to break up with him because im not sure he felt the same way i did. He told me he did but the actions didnt match at times. It has been a year after the breakup, but i have tried to remain friends with him, but it has been difficult because i still love him like a boyfriend. I would attempt nc but I would do it for a week or so and he would text me and I would answer back. But not sure this pertains to my situation since we have been broken up for a year but still friends on and off. My goal is to get over him as my boyfriend and just be friends. I started no contact and its been 11 days. He emailed me on day 10 telling me he isnt happy that I chose to leave his life and not talking with me and that im his bff. I told him that I was taking time to heal before inititaing no contact. So do I answer the email and reiterate that i just need time to heal? Should I be still doing no contact when I just want to be is friends? I feel already that after 30 days he will be really angry at me and wont talk to me.
You should tell him that you want to do no contact. Although, I must warn you that it'll be very difficult to just be friends with him and not have any feelings towards him. It'll be easier for you to just cut him from your life and move on.
And we were both 19 when we started dating and now we both just turned 22.
Hi Brandon. I am diagnosed with OCD and really am still in love with my ex which makes things that much harder. I would REALLY appreciate it greatly if you could read this and give some advice. He are the details of our relationship/breakup-
We were together from June 2011 until October 2012, so 1 year and 4 months. She broke up with me for a week in August but got back together for the next two months and then she broke it off for good telling me she was sure it wasn't going to work. When I asked her if she thought there was the possibility of getting back together in the future, she said it wouldn't be fair to say. She said she just "needed to be single for awhile" and she didn't want to keep "leading me on". For the next three months until January we remained in each other's lives since we both went to the same community college. I was wary of giving her space but she said she still liked seeing me so it was no problem. For Christmas I got her a DVD of a movie we saw together and she loved it, sending me a text later that same day saying "I still love you but I just need more time to think" After that she only sent me around two more texts which ended on Jan. 5th. A couple weeks after I sent her a text saying sorry if I hadn't given her enough space and asked if we could meet-up and talk in person. She said she didn't think it would be a good idea unless it made me feel better because every time we meet up to talk she is not in the same emotional place as I'm in. We did meet-up though and talked and I realized her feelings still didn't change obviously. So from that point on I decided to implement NC and let HER reach out to me via text, not vice versa. Only problem was, her birthday is in February and mine is three weeks later in March. We both texted one another and wished each other well. AND THAT WAS IT.
I mean, ZERO contact for the past year at all. I wanted to text her so many times but couldn't. Hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life by far. But everyone told me you have to wait for her to reach out to me. Now, almost a year and a half later and a year and two months since we haven't had any contact (besides the birthday wishes) I find myself in the same dilemma all over again: On her birthday last month I texted her and she replied with a Hey! thank you! :) and we talked for a bit. Towards the end I got kind of pushy with my responses like "I feel like we have so much to catch up on", "can you still text"? and saying things like I'm sorry I disrupted you in class during a midterm. I know she didn't like it when I said sorry a lot. Her last text was "I'm going out to celebrate with my friends now, I'll text you later". So I figured if she didn't text me later that day then no problem, she would text me on her birthday, just like she did last year.
And then she didn't. I was pretty shocked. I know she didn't forget because then she would have sent me a belated text. I came to the conclusion that she probably feared if she texted me even a simple happy birthday, I would turn it into a conversation and she didn't want that and didn't want to give me any false hope. Either that, or there's another guy. But let me be clear here:
-She is a very quiet, shy girl that doesn't flirt at all.
-She is focused on finishing school at UCLA and getting her degree.
-Both her and I are in the same grade and same situation: we both transferred to a 4 year college this past school year, have approximately the same number of units and just go to different schools.
We also don't have any mutual friends and we hardly ever talked on the phone during our relationship which makes it seem like the only plausible way of communicating is via text. She even deactivated her facebook account.
So what do I do? If I find another girl so be it but I still want her back so badly and feel like I've done everything I possibly could. A friend of mine told me to call her to get clarity but what if that pushes her away further? Do I just live my life and let the ball be in her court about whether or not to contact me?
Please help I would be forever grateful.
Hey Brandon,
She is probably exploring her options and there is a chance that she might be dating someone else. I will recommend you start dating other girls as well. I'll be honest with you, your chances are slim. The best you can do is let her be, and concentrate on yourself.
So me and my ex have been off and on for a while we broke up about a year and a half ago. it never really went away for me. i tried dating but i was never interested in anything serious. we had a great relationship, and we never fought but we broke up bc he lives away during the summer and we were miserable being apart from eachother. he said that he missed me too bad and it was easier breaking up. he said he didnt see a point in it anymore. we were off and on since then. we have a few classes together this year and i see him often. its awkwar in person but over text were fine. he gets jealous but tries not to show it of other guys. and there is this sexual tension between us that is very evident and usually cant be ignored. ive tried to move on and explore other people but it just hasnt worked. i fade away from the idea of him but i know i am just settling for something i dont really want. how do i transition back into a relationship rather than something casual?
You need to apply no contact for a month or two.
Hi Kevin,
"What If We Had a Nasty Breakup?" the "Nasty Breakup" you mentioned consists of my EX Cheating on me and cause breakup? D:
Well, in that case, you need to first decide if you can trust your ex again before getting in touch.
Hi kevin! I found your site today and it's amazing. thank you!
Question, my ex broke up with me december of 2012. we were best friends during our time together. we rarely fought, always communicated and had a respectful and honest partnership. I loved him and still do. He broke up with me because he didn't see me in his future. He wanted to be in love and said he didn't feel like he was (ouch). BUT he did say when we broke up that he loved me...(confusing!). But still wanted to remain in each other's lives. I tried that for about 7 months and realized it wasn't working for me and I stopped contact for almost 3 months. I've done everything you have suggested during that NC time except date. I've always taken care of myself and that's one of the many things my ex liked about me including being easy to be with and the fact that I listened to him. Basically, we've been in contact for the last 3 months. I'd say we are slowly getting back to having the friendship we had when we were dating...without the physical stuff. I must tell you though that he has dated quite a bit and I think he's had his heart broken at least once. He has always said he wished these girls were more like me.
He trusts me and would do anything for me. I know this for a fact because he's helped me out when I've needed it. I will always love him and would never push him into wanting to get back together for fear that we would lose our friendship. BUT I would love to be with him.
What do you think I should do? When I text or call he always answers and we have coffee or lunch at least 2-3 times per month. Should I stop contact for 30 days and at least start dating? I'm at a loss because I know he likes me because he always compliments me when we are together. He said to me a few days ago at lunch that I have all these amazing qualities and a lot of men would get scared to ask me out because they wouldn't know what to do or how to handle it..(i'm confused by this by the way). Please tell me what to do. thank you for everything you do:)
I guess you have two options.
1. Either start dating. If he has feelings for you, they will emerge at the thought of losing you forever to some other guy.
2. Talk to him about getting back together. There's a chance he might reject you. But there's a chance he might accept as well. If he rejects, you start no contact and start dating. There is still a chance he might want to get back together once he realizes you are starting dating.
Thanks Kevin!
I think I'll start dating. The thought of him rejecting me again is too scary...(I brought up getting back together a few months after our break up because we were hanging out as if we were still together and he rejected me). He's never experienced having a friendship with me while I was dating someone else. We'll see!!
Thank you...You're awesome:)
Hey kevin, i met a guy 8months ago at first date we kissed and the second date we had sex,as i found out later i think i was the rebound relationship or i better say rebound date cause then after just 2 dates he got back to his ex girlfriend and told me to not contacting him, when i caught him posting on her ex girlfriend Facebook wall we had a huge fight and he called it Quits , on the other hand after 7months no contact,i have checked his girlfriend Facebook page everyday and he knows that i can see what she shares he doesn't post on her wall as much as he used to do before he has met me and their status doesn't show anything like weather they are single or in a relationship but their profile picture is a picture of them together, i also change my profile picture, its a picture of me with a guy but I did it FIRST and THEN he changed his picture with a picture of them together , do you think this is again a rebound relationship for him ? he has known this girl for 3 years and known me for only 8 months but two dates only so do you think i have a chance if i contact him?
Love your articles,
Thank you
Hey,
To be honest, I think your chances are slim. And you will only be wasting your time if you pursue him. But if you want, you can contact him one final time to see where he is at. If it seems he is committed to her, you'll be better off moving on.
Hi Kevin,
remember on march 14th you replied to me and asked me to not reply him till next 3o more days...I didnt know how to talk more to u as I wasnt getting reply section below tht message so I am sending this new comment....he tried calling me and asked me to talk to me,,,for one week he kept doing that and i kept ignoring his calls n messages but last nite I could not hold myself and so I messaged him( long messages) abt that I hv seen his photos with her and all tht she is posting on net seems to me as stupid immaturity...,,the first thing he messaged bck immediately on getting my message was "lv u"...I wrote more things like he sleeps with another woman , flirts with another and I dnt think such a man deserves me....just two three more messages and then v slept around at 2 am...morning I got up with a message frm him where he asked me to support him as he needs friends around and feels very lonely....he said dnt leave me on the mercy of strangers and stay there as my friend......to which I replied "look back,, i never left u and i was always there,,,this time also I will be there as leaving is not my virtue but this time it shall be different and u shall have to earn my presence or else i already know u cn live without me"......( remember Kevin he was the one who left me for another one year back and till last month I kept tellin him tht I wait for him till last month when he met me with his new girl friend tagged alonG,,after that I had entered no contact for 30 days,,he messaged me to talk to him bt I refused and u asked me to not reply for another 30 days,,,unfortunately I couldnt hold onto that as he was desperately tryin to contact me,,i waited one week and finally last night replied) ..bt kevin after that today I feel I did a mistake by messaging him last nite...I should hv waited so as to make him miss me more...in this one week when I didnt reply him he somehow was wondering abt me bt now i guess he will be again be v confident that I will never go away..... I am sorry I failed keeping ur advice....u hd told me to not reply for another one month also......n now I dnt feel good ...is that the whole purpose of making him miss me and come back to me forever is defeated? ...will he now always know tht he can take me for granted as in the end I always am there.... he still lives with another female ,,,he doesnt intend to leave her,,,he just says he doesnt connect to her as he does to me and he wants me to always be there as a true friend....what a crap I hv done...Kevin please tell me now I know now I have done a blunder so should I enter no contact again or will it make me look unstable....as morning I told him I will be there but he should earn my presence this time....should i be more mature and now reply just v short to any message if he messages again...that ways he shall know i am woman of substance as I never leave those whom I care but simultaneously my v short messages will make him know that he has to work now to close the distance as I may be there for him bt I am certainly not the same desperate clinging woman .....what do u have to say? How can I show him I love him and shall be for him still maintain my respect so that he comes to me valuing me ...please advise
I don't think you messed up really bad. It's OK that you messaged him. I will suggest that you start NC again. This time, tell him that you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you till the time you contact him first.
Hi Kevin,
Mailing u after a month now...a lot happened in this month....he came back to me and started initiating contact wid me again in march.....he was desperate to talk wid me and wanted me to be dere wid him,,he said he missed me a lot and all the moments we shared together in love ..... and always kept saying u are my only true friend and i value u a lot.....i wanted to again start nc as adviced by u but couldnt as he really wanted me to not stop contact and stay with him as a true friend.....I guess i got weak too as I really love him so we both kept messaging and this time he wd reply all my msgs even if it ws late nite.......bt then I made a terrible mistake...I knew he ws still with the other girl and jst tht things may not be going great between them so he chose to cm bck to me for emotional support....it made me jealous and sadly I started accusing him of being selfish by using me like this....I told him either u be with me as my man or dont expect me to be there to give you support as being a female who ws already in relation wid u in the past I cant just stay as a support to other female's man..........it hurts me as i still love you.......he all this time remained good to me and just kept telling me 'help me please dont fight with me'......slowly the conversation again started reaching that point where we both subtly started blaming each odr that why in the first place he left me one year bck.......still we both stayed in touch and talked as friends.....I dont know then yesterday all of a sudden our conversation turned and became little close. But before it became close he sensed what was happening and that perhaps this friendship ws turning to another level again so he all of a sudden said he wasnt feeling good and said we will talk later plz.......i said ok to him at that point....bt after sm tym at nite and early morning I simply told him that I am cutting all contact wid him any further as I cant be a support to a man who is still with another...bt in case in future you have the strength and desire to spend your life with me then please do come back, I love u ,god bless u...............I dont knw kevin although he was dere now and i know that had I been more tactful atleast I could have been succesful in making him desire for me as our friendship ws really growing wid each passing day and he was actually telling me each day that he really missed me whole day........bt just because I knew the other girl is still in his life I just felt such friendship has no foundation.......Its just yesterday tht I messaged him this,,,,I dont know if he shall reply me or not because till now he hasnt...........i am so confused ...I want this man to come back to me and like a fool when this time he came to revive the friendship I just couldnt hold him .......I dnt want to live a fake relation kevin...i just want that we should not cheat ourselves,,if we love each other we should accept it and if we dont then why this drama of giving support to each other as friends...thats going to hurt us more,,isn't it? I mean I love him bt I have to just behave and remain in the constraints of being a friend while I know he is with another! Perhaps that is why I told him that I wont contact him further ..........my question to u now is that did I do the right thing or have I closed all doors of the possibilty of our reunion? In this month there were times when he revealed his love for me and how much he missed me but I dont know I think I couldnt handle a tricky situation to hold him and not to create a distance between us again....Secondly,, what should I do now?? What if he messages me a simple hi or a simple message after few days,,what if tries to talk to me thru messages?? I think he will do that because I could feel his love for me ,,,its just that he seems he has lost the confidence that the relation has the power to hold him emotionally.....and what if i have comitted a blunder this time and he actually thinks that NC is going to be good option for us and he becomes further close to other girl thinking that I am unable to support him emotionally??? Please advice
Hey K,
You did what you think was good for you. You did what you had to do keep your mental peace. So, you didn't do anything wrong. I think he will try contacting you again, but I'll recommend you stick with your decision as being friends with him is hard for you emotionally and you should put yourself through it. If he does come back in the future, it's great. But even if he doesn't you have to accept that it's OK and you'll be fine without him.
Thanks Kevin...But just one more major advice I want to get from u...Can you please shed some light on this........In future how to know that he has come back to me this time with a final commitment to me ....i mean in this past whole year I have seen him coming back to me when ever he starts feeling very low and I reply and be with him thinking that he has come back just to discover it later he hasnt.....now i am confused,,,sometimes when things go wrong between him and his new gf, I be there so that he comes back to me but soon i realize that he still hasnt come back.......Please kevin tell me one thing,,this time should I cut all contact with him even as a friend and wait ..............what if that gives him a wrong signal and he looses all faith in our relation and thinks that I am not capable of giving him motional support and so he decides it is best to stay from me anyway......I mean Deep down I want him, I love him and I care for him...is it good to be there as a friend to show him my strength despite all adversities or is it that staying in no contact even if he tries to talk to me in his low mood seeking for an emotional support a wise step to take? Please please please advise...should I wait and be whenever things go wrong between them as he comes back to me for support or is it that should I completely vanish from his life till they both completely break up and then see if he comes back??
Please tell me when does a girl know that her ex has left his new gf and finally come back to her? Till past one year I have been juggling betwwen this confusion as everytime when he messages and is desperate to talk to me saying he misses me I think he has come back but later i find him again go completely cold as he again cut off and enter a nc with me.....please advise.......he says he loves me,,,i also love him soo much then still why so utter confusion that nothing is working and we again end up in the cycle of entering NC
You give him the emotional support and comfort whenever he wants without any commitment from him. Why would he commit to you then? Shouldn't you reserve your emotional support and comfort for your boyfriend? Shouldn't you reserve it for someone who is faithful to you and 100% committed to you? Next time, he calls you and you feel like he is using you again, remind yourself this. Unless you stop letting him use you, he will keep on using you. He knows how to play with your emotions. He knows how to appeal to your soft heart. Don't let him take advantage of you unless you are absolutely sure that he is committed to you.
Hi kevin,
I msged him next day that be my friend as I need him too and understand my anger as it is my pain.......I know this time I have messed it all up and finally lost all chance... it gives me immense pain as I have found him blocking me on his phone now and after that his writin a post on his fb wall where he says 'here i go on an april mornin ,,,i am leaving the storm behind my back and standing on my own waiting for the sun'......and sadly to every comment he has posted he is liked by his gf and she poses to give him the comfort as he loses that support from my side.............i am in tears as i know i have lost it.....oh it hurts....I was not manipulative,,I just wanted him to be with me so that I could support him,,,I loved him and I couldnt pose to be a friend in constraiints well knowin he shares his days and nights with the other female...was I wrong? I dont knw,,,I am a human...But till date I hope a miracle and pray that one day he sees the support I always was giving by being there and answering him in all these days despite knowing that he was the one who broke and left me....I wanted to give this relation another chance but I guess the other female tactfully shunted me out of his life forever by showing she stands with him and making him loose his faith in me that I can give him the support he needs ..............Kevin, i dont know the psychology of men,,I just know I was true...I hv loved him a lot,,till date he is in my prayers.......what do u think,,,has this relation ended,,,and if there is still a chance pls pls pls tell me how to tackle this situation as I dont want to loose this man,,aswe really had the most beautiful moments when we were together as a couple
i went straight into no contact after the breakup and it's been a year and 3 months. I am afraid to reach out but I have finally almost moved on by now. Should I contact him? (he never contacted me during no contact)
If you have almost moved on, then why not move on completely? If you really think he is worth it, then try contacting him.
Hi Kevin,
First of all thanks, you are doing an amazing job by helping others through this site. I had met him in 2011 and we had a great time together. As destiny would have it, in 2012 he got shifted for one year to some distant place due to his job but we would always be in touch through phone. Then in begining of 2013 when actually we thought of finally getting married, just when he really admitted he would, the worst happened and his ex landed back in his home before he shifted back. She gave him the sense of guilt for leaving her and wanted to give the relation another chance. They both reconciled last year april and I was kicked out. I was devastated because I was weaving a nest with him and was actually preparing for our marriage. Then what followed the whole one year was a series of no contacts, his avoiding my calls n messages and all..He was living with another but I still carried on with my faith as I kept observing a pattern..He would almost after every month or so send me a message..a casual one like" hi, how are you" or other casual things,,sometimes even admitting that he missed me but that now he cant marry me due to circumstances but would always want to be a friend...I became hopeful and my wait continued..I knew he was just confused and he would eventually come back..but I least knew that while I was still waiting for him he had started bonding with another girl.. .For one year all this kept happening...then in feb this year when I asked him to meet me and help me with some work, to my surprise he came there with his new girl friend...They both behaved like two cozy lovey dovey lovers right infront of me and I was too hurt..I didnt react then but later I messaged him that it was rude of him to hurt me like this by bringing her along well knowing that I still loved him...He however refused and said she was a simple friend and he still respected me....anyway few days later on fb there were loads of pics of both of them hugging, holidaying, rolling over each other,and chatting with each other...all those lovey dovey stuff.....I know he has moved on with this female and is very happy with her..after seeing those snaps I wondered maybe he is a womaniser as he is doing the same with another girl....I blocked him from my fb and entered no contact....my confusion starts now it is almost 20 days and again I get a message from him very early morning two days back where he messages me again a casual message asking for some help in his work....i havent replied till date..I dont know what to do.....I am angry and hurt and I dont want to reply but at the same time I still love him and dont want to loose him....Kindly shed some light as I am unable to understand...what should I do? This man is having relation and fun with another, he keeps avoiding my calls n messages but still when he sends me the message I know perhaps he thinks of me...what should I do Kevin? This man is confused but in the process he is not realizing even till date how much it is affecting me as I still love him truely......Please advise..What do u think is this man a womaniser or does he love me? Should I not reply to any of his message even if he asks for my help till another 3 months...Kindly help and shed some light. Thanks
I think you should not reply to his messages. I don't know if he is a womanizer or he is just confused, but either ways, he is making you miserable. So you should just let him go. You've waited for too long and the more you wait, the worse you will feel. I think you should at least start dating.
Thanks a lot Kevin for ur quick and honest reply..May god bless u...U dont know me still u are there as a friend helping me by listening to my pain and advising me like a true friend about what should I do. Thank you..May God bless you..I dont know if you are in a committed relation with someone or not but you are a very wise man and I wish you all happiness with your love..Stay blessed! Hope one day true love returns in my life as well after all I kept my faith and was sincere throughout..once again God bless u..thanks....
Thank you so much for your kind words k. It means a lot to me. :)
Hi Kevin,
Last time I talked to you, almost a day later early morning I get a message from him "Miss you Bad"...I didnt reply. I wanted to go by your advice because you like a true friend asked me to not reply him again. Still his message made me go soft as I really became hopeful but as usual as I opened his new girl friends fb I saw the same very day when he had messaged me miss you , in that afternoon both of them spend the whole day together...there were lots of pics loaded of them hugging and hving fun together and they had even commented below that they really had a lovely day...He doesnt know I have assess to her gf facebook page, and obviously doesnt know I have seen all photos......actually I opned the fb just to know the truth, as I dont want to be in false hopes....but obviously once again I am shattered.....Kevin I love him a lot and it hurts to see him with other in the same way he used to be with me.....That girl is with him almost the whole day as she even works with him......even at present as I am typing this to u,,I am getting his messages where he is writing "Please talk to me"...I am in tears on reading this,,I will not reply today atleast but please please please tell me what should I do next? I dont want to loose him ...
Hey K,
Remember that if you reply to him, he is again going to hurt you. He was making you miserable when you replied. At least, continue for 30 days more before talking to him. I know you want him back, but I think he will just keep on playing with your feelings if you let him.
Ok so I've been trying to get some advice on my situation for like weeks now and I've decided that my friends aren't gonna help me so I'm gonna reach out to the Internet. Well I broke up with my ex 6 months ago and I have dated other guys since we've broken up but it has never felt the same as it was with my ex. I feel like I shouldn't be going back to him because I did break up with him(3 times actually in our entire realtionship) we dated for about a year and every time I broke up with him was because I felt like I wasn't ready for a long term relationship but now I feel like I am ready for that and I just miss him. He hasn't dated anyone else since we've broke up and one of my friends said about 4 months ago he still had feeling for me but I haven't heard about him since then. We go to the same school and everytime he sees me in the hallway(when he is alone) he kinda stares at me but when he is with his friends he just glances(his friends hate me because of what I did to him I know it was a bad move on my part and I feel so bad about it) I literally have no idea what to do about this. Oh and also I haven't been in contact with him since we broke up. (Other than te other day when he had a close family member die and I messaged him and when he messaged back he said thanks and it means alot that you care. Please help!
Hey,
Just re-establish contact with him and start chatting. Yes, you should give it another chance if you think you are ready for a serious relationship.
My ex and I had dated for 2 years. But during all that time we lived in different countries. We always thought we were gonna get together eventually, because we were away from each other only we had to make money in different countries. I broke up with him 4 months ago. We did not contact with each other for a month but I kept thinking about him. After a month I saw him that he started to add all the girls that I made him delete off of his fb back. I got crazy, then we carried on talking for a while but he only showed how much he was mad at me. Then he told me he would come over to see me if thats what i want, he loves me but I live in another country, there is no future for us. Now i stopped contacting him for 10 days, he sent me an email where he asked about my family. I do want to get back together with him. What am i supposed to do now?
If there is really no future with him, you have to move on. If there is a future with him, you need to talk to him about your feelings and what you want from the relationship.
Hey Kevin, thank you very much for your reply. I do think there is a future with him. We were planning to get married and I do wanna move where he lives at the moment. But he said he is not willing for either of us to make that jump. When he said these stuff, he was really mad at me and If I am honest, I was the one who dumped him, because I was sick of waiting for him and I was a really jealous girlfriend. It's been 3 weeks since last we talked. Do you think I should call him straight away and talk about everything. Or do you think I should let him go for a while?
I think you should talk to him after one more week.
Hey. My ex broke up with me in April and she started seeing a new guy in her class shortly after. People tell me that it's a reboud, but I'm not so sure. If it's more than a year, and she's still with him, do you think there'd be any luck in reaching out? Or would it still be possible to win her back?
Sometimes rebound relationships end up going way beyond it's intended expiry date, but that does make it hard to pinpoint whether its still considered a rebound or not. If the relationship does last over a year, I wouldn't recommend you putting too much hopes on winning her back and I think your focus should instead be towards letting go, in order to be fair to yourself.
Hi, got in touch with my ex after 22 yrs. He in States, me in Ireland.He said he still had feelings for me, I said same. He spoke of our past all the time. It was all FB texting. He never really asked about my family or son. He never phoned or made plans to vist even though I invited him( I dumped him due to family pressure) Said he'd love to come to Ireland, have babies and live with me forever. Then he backtracked, said "once bitten twice shy" " not sure if the Irish climate would suit me" I think he is out of work. 6 wks ago he ghosted. I noticed he had added his ex GF again on Fb. I bumped him down to "acquaintance" instead of "CLOSE FRIEND" next morn, he had taken our pics down off FB. I "unfriended" him. I noticed he has saved an album of MY pics from MY FB page. I have done " no contact " since. WHAT IS GOING ON DO YOU THINK ? WILL HE BE IN TOUCH AGAIN ? HOW DO I KNOW IT'S NOT JUST CURIOUSITY IF HE IS ?
Thanks a million
Wow, 22 years is a long time. It's hard to say if it's just curiosity or if he's genuinely interested. To be honest, no contact is not going to be of much help after 22 years of no contact. I think it'll be OK if you contact him after a week or so to see what he wants.