The mind and heart of someone who wants their ex back is unlike any other. Almost everyone, at one point after their breakup thinks about getting back together.
But most people can’t relate to this state of mind after they have moved on from their ex. It’s simply because us humans have the tendency to not remember stressful or painful periods of our lives in detail.
When I think back about the time I wanted my ex back, I was in delusion and denial.
This wasn’t just denial of the breakup. But a deeper denial about my life that was emerging from my low self esteem.
I had this idea in my head that I would never find someone like my ex and no matter how much I tried to think positively and convince myself that I would, that thought will always come back.
Whenever someone would tell me how I should move on and that she wasn’t good for me, it would fall on deaf ears and I would turn a blind eye to what they wanted me to see.
I would see all these positive posts on social media about life and feel nothing. But one random post about “True love comes once in a lifetime” would send my thoughts spiraling, and my heart dropping.
The thought that I lost my once in a lifetime opportunity to get true love, in the words of Rocky Balboa, “would beat me to my knees and keep me there permanently if I let it.”
It wasn’t true. I got her back but the relationship wasn’t what I thought it was. We broke up again after a few years and I moved on from her to find someone who appreciated me for who I was. Someone who showed me what an amazing relationship and true love really feels like.
I am not alone in this.
If this is your first time on this website, I am Kevin Thompson and Ex Back Permanently is a website dedicated to helping people get back together in a healthy relationship or move on. I’ve been a breakup coach for 15+ years now with a focus on LONG TERM success of my readers and clients.
Recently, I showed a few people what they wrote back when they wanted their ex back, and their reactions gave me a lot of insights about how our minds are in a completely different state when we want our ex back.
One of the most notable comment was from, Victoria, who said,
“Cannot even explain the level of cringe I felt reading that, considering that was certainly not true love!
If I even remember correctly, was actually kind of embarrassed I was pining after a guy who didn’t deserve me when I was COMPLETELY out of his league! I do not remember the details as it was over 10 years ago, but it’s funny to look back and see how far I’ve come in terms of maturity.
Currently in the happiest relationship of my life with the love of my life that I met in college. Have never looked back and I can’t imagine myself with anyone other than my current boyfriend.”
If you desperately want your ex back right now, anything I say may not deter your resolve. But just being aware of the state of your mind right now can help you understand what you are going through.
Here’s what you will find in this article –
- What We Go Through When We Want an Ex Back
- The Basics Of Getting Your Ex Back
- Situation 1 – After a Tumultuous Relationship
- Situation 2 – After a Loving, Healthy Relationship Ended
- Situation 3 – After a Breakup That Happened Due To Stress
Breakups have a Primal Effect On Us
For starters, breakups, rejection and heartbreak are usually the most painful experience of someone’s life. It feels like going through hell. So there is an almost primal instinct to do anything to stop the breakup or get your ex back.
I won’t even get into the fact that breakup pain is psychologically and physically similar to drug withdrawal (it has been studied), that some people suffer from co-dependency (also been studied), and there are things such as love addiction, insecurities, low self-esteem, limerance, trauma bond, anxious attachment style etc. that could be heavily influencing your desire to get your ex back.
So there could be a lot of reasons why you don’t want to let go of your ex. Love is probably just one part of the equation.
And because of that, you will feel vulnerable, lonely, confused, put on rose colored glasses, and feel a compulsion to do anything to get your ex back.
And then, there’s a feeling of hopelessness.
The hopelessness starts with the thought that you will never get your ex back, that your ex has made up their mind, that they are dead set on moving on from you. But that hopelessness has a snowball effect and it creeps into your own life and your future. Thoughts of never finding love again, never being happy again, thoughts of losing your only chance at happiness.
In general, I tell all my readers to be hopeful. Because no matter how bad the situation feels, there’s always hope. But you must try your best to accept the breakup and try to heal from the breakup. Be realistic, but be hopeful.
Here’s what some of the most common things my readers and customers say about their desire to get their ex back.
“We have so much history together; it feels wrong to let it go.”
“I feel like no one else will ever understand me like they did.”
“It feels like our breakup was a mistake, but I don’t know how to fix it or if it can even be fixed.”
“All my friends think I am crazy for wanting him back. But I really think we can make it work if he just gives me another chance.”
“She hurt me and caused me so much pain. But I still want her back and will do anything to make her happy. What’s wrong with me?”
This is what one of my clients wrote to me when they started coaching
“I don’t know why I keep trying and wanting this relationship. I wrote out my story in a previous email to send you and give you a clear picture of what happened…. and now I’m just embarrassed to send it.”
In another email, she says,
“It all feels hopeless. I can’t detach. I remember the life we were planning together. I’m so sad. I can’t connect with anyone else.”
And to top it off, this is what Victoria (the reader who felt cringe) said about her ex when she first came here.
I never believed in love until I met my Ex which is why the breakup really tore me up. please help
As you can see, that’s a mixed bag of sentiments. But almost all of them had one thing in common. Some type of inner conflict.
And as you read forward, you will get a lot of clarity about what you should do.
Moving on is the healthier choice
I say this a lot of times throughout my website. In most cases, making a choice to move on from your ex is the healthy way to go. And that means cutting all contact with your ex and focusing on yourself. Accept that your ex made a choice to not be with you. And then let them go.
But if you find it difficult to make that choice and want to still at least try to get them back in a healthy way, below is your game plan.
How To Get Your Ex Back and Keep Them?
Over 15 years of experience have taught me that every breakup and every person is unique. Unlike most other breakup coaches out there, I try to keep in touch with my readers and clients over the years to see how their romantic relationship has developed.
I follow up with them over emails to get updates on their lives. And most of them appreciate it and are happy to provide a follow up of what happened with their ex. This gives me a more accurate picture of what happens to most people as opposed to other coaches who only hear from people who get their ex back and not from those who moved on or ended up in a toxic relationship.
I also work closely with licensed therapists to ensure that all advice is safe and healthy.
In my experience, the ones who do get back together in a healthy relationship tend to focus on giving each other time and space (instead of desperately trying to stop the breakup), self-improvement (instead of indulging in unhealthy habits as escapism), fixing the issues that led to the breakup (instead of ignoring serious issues), and communicating honestly to rebuild the trust (instead of manipulation, silent treatment or gimmicks).
The basics of getting your ex back are simple. Although, it may not be easy for someone who is desperate to get their ex back.
Step 1 – Stop Trying To Desperately Get Them Back.
In essence, you give your ex a lot of space instead of desperately trying to stay in touch with them. Because every time you try to text, call or stay in touch with your ex, you show them you are needy and desperate. And that makes them feel less attracted to you and pushes them away.
So you stop trying to convince them, stop begging them, stop telling them how much you love them, stop stalking them on social media, and stop obsessing over what they are doing.
Instead, you simply don’t contact them. I usually recommend doing this for at least 30 days, but in most cases, this time period can go up to 2-3 months.
Step 2 – Heal, accept and become a better version of yourself
And while you are both not talking to each other, spend time rebuilding yourself. Become confident in yourself. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Own up to your mistakes and take action to rectify them.
Try to Move on.
If “Moving on” doesn’t appeal to your mind, then at least try to “Move forward” with your life. Because if you get back together in the future, you want to be a better version of yourself so your new relationship is better. And for that, you need to take steps to move forward in every aspect of your life. That includes health, relationship with your friends and family, your career and your hobbies.
Step 3 – Reconnect, Communicate Honestly and Let Reconciliation Happen Organically.
Eventually, after a period of time away from each other, you reconnect with your ex. A lot of times your ex will start contacting you when you stop contacting them, but even if they don’t, you can choose to reach out if enough time has passed.
Because of the time you both spent apart, your ex will be curious. They will even be attracted to you because of the discipline and emotional maturity you showed by not contacting them and respecting their boundaries.
Once you both start talking, they will probably see the changes and the confidence in you. If the issues that lead to the breakup are resolved, you both can get back together in a new, healthier relationship.
If things seem confusing or if it feels like your ex is dragging you along, then you simply explain to your ex how you hope to get back together because you feel there is a great potential for an amazing relationship. I call this the “Say your piece” message that I will explain later in Situation 2.
If your ex is not on the same page as you, then you simply walk away and let them go.
That’s all there is to it.
But like everything in life, the devil is in the details. The problems arise because even when you know you should give your ex space; but the grief and the pain of not speaking to them can be overwhelming. And that may compel you to reach out.
It’s also hard to raise your self-esteem and become confident when you feel hopeless and unmotivated after the breakup.
And it gets tricky to reconnect with your ex because of all the confusing information out there about speaking to your ex after no contact.
I have explained all these steps in detail in my 5 step plan for getting your ex back. That is a very lengthy article but it covers every aspect of getting your ex back. So check it out if you want a more detailed guide.
In this article, we will tackle all this by explaining three common scenarios where people want their exes back along with real life examples from our readers, commenters and clients.
The stories below are shared with permission of the client/readers. Names have been changed to protect the individuals’ privacy, but no other details have been altered.
Situation 1 – Wanting Your Ex Back After a Tumultuous Relationship
To demonstrate an example for such a relationship, see Mark, a client, who described his relationship as –
Mark: I am 31 years old. I am from Texas. I was in a relationship with an amazing girl who was also 31 years old. She moved down from Missouri to live with me. We were in a relationship for 2 and half years. It has been a month since we broke up. We both really loved each other and cared for each other. But our relationship was filled with a lot of fighting/arguing. Our arguing was toxic. I was not the best at communicating my feelings or issues. I would usually ignore the issues because of my frustration. I hated it when I was put down by her criticism which caused me to be bitter and not take care of her needs. There were times where I would say something that would trigger her and cause her to get really angry. She would cry and I didn’t comfort her.
A tumultuous relationship is a relationship that is marked by instability, tension, conflict, and constant ups and downs. There are things like –
- Unpredictable and emotional roller coasters
- Cycles of conflict, reconciliation, and escalation
- A lot of fighting, bickering, sniping, baiting, and bullying
- Can leave people feeling drained, confused, and unhappy
When you are in such a relationship, you often feel a kind of unique attachment to your partner. Like even after all the fights, disrespect, and maybe emotional abuse – you feel like you have a special connection with them. That your ex understands you or knows you better than anyone else. Or that they care about you like no one else.
Why The Breakup Happens –
In most cases, such relationships end because one party feels exhausted and overwhelmed. They feel they have reached the end of their ropes and could no longer continue this tumultuous relationship. Maybe they blame you for the issues in the relationship or maybe they acknowledge their role in the fights. But they just don’t see things changing any time soon.
Mark: This is the third time we broke up .The last two times, she came back within one week. But this time, it is serious. She is very cold whenever I call. And there is no changing her mind. She is really done with me. How can I get her back?
Why do you want your ex back –
Mark: I know I made mistakes. I could have treated her better. I could have listened to her more. But I know now what I need to do when we fight. I need to stay calm and listen to her and show her that I can handle the situation. But I don’t know if she will ever give me another chance.
The truth is, such a relationship can be addictive. The constant ups and downs are very similar to the highs and lows you feel in a drug addiction. Since you are so used to the pattern of highs and lows, your mind sees this breakup as just another low point in the relationship and it anticipates the high of getting back together just around the corner.
When it doesn’t happen, you crave the high even more. Just like a drug addict would say “I’ll just take one last dose, I will stop after that”, your mind says, “If I can get just one more shot with my ex, I know we will stop fighting.”
A lot of times, couples like Mark tend to get back together and break up again in unhealthy on/off relationship cycles if they don’t pay attention. It always makes me a bit sad to hear about it because I would rather have my readers and clients move on from their ex than get stuck in an unhealthy or toxic cycle.
Here’s an illustration that helps you understand the difference between a healthy reconciliation and an unhealthy on/off cycle.
Needless to say that it isn’t always a healthy decision to get back in such a relationship. But us humans have a tendency to ignore the things we don’t want to see. And as such, we try to convince ourselves that things will get better.
In case of Mark, he was already in an unhealthy on/off cycle since they already broke up twice before. If he wants a healthy relationship, then he must take this opportunity to turn this into a healthy reconciliation instead of another unhealthy cycle.
What You Should Do Immediately After The Breakup?
Mark: I went back to the house and took all my stuff and left. I was angry at her and I just wanted to run away. After 2 weeks went by, we got in contact with each other. We started talking. At that time I thought I could win her over. We connected but it only lasted shortly because I got so angry when I found out that she was speaking to this other guy. I was confused and so angry. I threaten to take her car away since I made all the payments. I even called the cops in an effort for her to hand over the keys. I over reacted because I felt used and confused. The day after I overreacted I apologised to her. I cried and told her how stupid I was. I was full of emotions and I kept calling her to forgive me for not being a good boyfriend. Kevin, I did what I shouldn’t have done, begged and constantly texted her.
Eventually things calmed down, and we got hold of each other again. She told me that she was moving back to Missouri. She had to make the drive there with the other guy since he did not have a vehicle and also lived in Missouri. I was devastated, but we still talk. This time things look good. We would call and text each other. We were flirty. She mentioned that things would be different because she was moving. After thinking through it hard I eventually called her. I told her that I was willing to move up to Missouri for her. She got excited but wanted me to wait til she got settled. But when she reached there, she became cold again. It’s like she suddenly changed. It’s been 2 weeks since she left for Missouri and it’s been tough on me.
The most important thing after a bad breakup is to act in a mature manner. Whatever interactions you have with your ex, keep them mature and don’t turn it into a fight, a begging session, or a desperate attempt to convince them.
In addition, your mind will want to text them every few hours. Remember, a part of you believes that this is another one of the fights and you will get back together. But if their decision is final, they are going to want to stick to it. So don’t pretend that this breakup is temporary. Treat it like it’s final. Respect their decision. And start the no contact rule.
In Mark’s case, when he stopped begging, his ex opened up to him and even flirted. Maybe she was being kind to him or maybe she was afraid he would start begging again. But in the back of her mind, she wanted the breakup. This is why she decided to pack up and leave for Missouri, even after Mark stopped begging. And when there was enough space between them, she became cold.
The fact that Mark threatened to take her car away showed a fundamental flaw in their relationship. He believed that his girlfriend owed him something because he did things for her. In this case, he brought her a car so he expected loyalty from her even after the breakup. Remember this point because we will discuss it a little bit later.
Another point to note was that Mark offered to move to Missouri with her even though she wanted a breakup. This reeks of desperation. And while she was excited initially, it probably turned her off and was one of the reasons she became cold.
At this point, the only thing Mark could have done was give her space and stop contacting her.
If your relationship was tumultuous, if you had a lot of fights and arguments, you are likely going to be scared when I tell you to give your ex space and time.
Mark: I don’t know Kevin, wouldn’t she forget about me and realize she is better off without me if I don’t contact her? She was already pretty set on moving on. And I am scared that the other guy will sleep with her.
Mark, if your ex comes to the conclusion that they are better off without you, then perhaps you are also better off without them. Don’t you think so?
Listen, unfortunately there is no guarantee that this method or any other method will work. But this is the best way to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.
The alternative is to keep texting her, calling her, stalking her etc. And that will keep pushing her away to the point your ex will not want to do anything with you.
Plus, the more you try to stop her from being with the other man, the more she will want to be with him. If your ex wants to be with someone else, it’s their decision. The only thing you can do is accept it, no matter how hard it may seem.
Plus, there’s this concept called fading affect bias, which means that as time passes, we tend to remember positive experiences more fondly, while the negative ones gradually fade into the background.
If your ex wants to be cold, let them be cold. Let them be whatever they want to be. It’s their life and they are not your boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.
Your best bet is to act in a mature manner and back off. This gives you both the time to reflect on what happened and figure out what can be done to save the relationship. Your ex probably still has strong feelings for you and if you give them space, they will also try to fix their issues.
In Mark’s case, there was already a lot of distance between them. And that’s a good thing. If they both believe that the relationship is worth saving, one of them can move to another city since their jobs allow remote work.
What You Should Do During No Contact?
The no contact rule is when you don’t contact your ex at all. And you try your best to stop any information about your ex from reaching you. This means no social media stalking and asking your friends to not tell you what your ex is up to.
Mark: Yesterday was the first day I tried the no contact rule. It did not last long. I do believe she will be confused if I just stop talking to her. I do not know what to tell her since we’ve been talking about starting a new journey in Missouri. All I know is that I feel distant already and I do not want to feel like that. I want to feel confident and make her believe that I’m a changed man.
This is very common when people try to implement the no contact rule. They just break it almost immediately because the thought of not speaking to your ex feels unbearable. But once the first few days pass, it gets much easier and you get a lot more clarity.
If you are afraid what your ex will think about you doing no contact, then just say something like this –
“Hey, I know this may sound odd but I think we both should take some space away from each other to process the breakup. I really need some space and time to think things through because the breakup has been very difficult for me. I hope you understand. Hopefully, we can reconnect down the line after a few weeks.”
The purpose of the no contact rule is for you to heal and accept the breakup. It also helps your ex get some space and think things through. You are letting your ex experience the breakup. And it also gives them the opportunity to reflect on their mistakes and make improvements in their lives.
But if your relationship had issues with fighting, here are the four things you must concentrate on –
1. Work on your communication skills – Learn to express your needs better. Learn to listen better. Learn to set boundaries. Communication isn’t just about the words you speak. It’s about how you react, your body language, your tone of voice, your confidence and your actions. You must be clear about your intentions and you should back your words by your actions.
2. Work on your self-esteem – A lot of people stay in unhealthy relationships because they feel they don’t deserve better. They feel no one will love them the way their ex did. But that’s just not true.
3. Growing in Your Personal Life – If your life revolved around your ex, then it’s time to take a step back and figure out what you want in your life other than relationships. Build a healthy and active life. Go to the gym, eat healthy, have friends who support you, get a hobby that you love, have a career you are passionate about, volunteer if it makes you feel better and spend quality time with your family at least once a week.
This is one of the most important things you can do after a breakup. You focus on other aspects of your life. It helps you not only raise your confidence and self-worth, it also helps you heal and accept the breakup.
4. Think if you really want your ex back – As time goes by and you stop panicking, ask yourself if you really want them back. Ask yourself if a healthy relationship with your ex is even possible. If it is possible, what would it take from your ex to fix the issues? And what would it take from you? For example, if your ex would explode during fights or arguments, how can they change that for you both to have disagreements without it turning into an episode of Jersey Shore?
5. Educate Yourself Of Toxic Relationship Patterns and Healthy Relationship Patterns – Toxic relationship patterns often develop due to communication issues, self-esteem issues and codependency in a relationship. This often involves a lot of bullying, name calling, emotional abuse, giving your partner the cold shoulder, or being extremely angry at them. Over time, these issues can damage the foundation of the relationship. Here’s my recommended resources to learn more about toxic patterns and healthy relationship patterns.
What happened when Mark implemented all this?
Mark: It has definitely made me realize that some bad conditioning as a child had transitioned in my relationship. For instance in the beginning of our relationship I tried avoiding arguing with her and when I was criticized I didn’t express my feelings. That built up over time and I blew a fuse and we argued with no meaningful ending. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this. I appreciate you referring me to the book.
I’ve also got a new job that I really like. And I’ve been working out every day. All this has really raised my confidence level.
Note: Mark is referring to the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” By Robert
A few days later, Mark sent this –
Mark: I’ve come to terms with how toxic our relationship was. But I still think we had something special and I want to try getting her back in a healthy relationship and try to stop the toxic patterns..
Remember the part where he tried to take away the car he gifted her when he found out she was speaking to someone else? This is because of unspoken expectations or covert contracts as Dr. Robert Glover calls them.
Mark did things for his girlfriend and expected to be rewarded for it. He never expressed his needs clearly. But he expected her to understand his needs and fulfill them. This was the cause of a lot of issues in the relationship. When he was criticized, he felt unappreciated but never talked about it. He kept it inside until he couldn’t take it anymore and exploded.
Understanding proper communication and expressing your needs clearly can help you become a better partner for all your future relationships.
When combined with other things I mentioned above (personal growth, working on self-esteem, better health, better career etc.), you become an overall better version of yourself and you figure out if it’s worth pursuing your ex.
How much time should you give each other?
Remember, the no contact period is about you taking some space and figure out if getting back together is the right decision.
That being said, it can take anywhere from 3 weeks to six months for that to happen. I usually recommend a minimum of 30 days before you and your ex reconnect. But again, the important thing is you are confident and you have the right mindset for this.
That means you have accepted the breakup and you don’t feel you need your ex to be happy. Maybe you still want them back. But even if you don’t get them back, you know you will be okay.
In Mark’s case, no contact lasted only about three weeks before his ex contacted him. It was too short of no contact in my opinion. But since Mark worked on his issues during that time, he was much more level headed than most people after two weeks of no contact. And he was ready to interact with his ex in a mature manner.
Should I reply to my ex if they reach out during no contact?
The goal during no contact is to heal, work on your issues (such as insecurity, low self-esteem, or communication) and figure out if getting back together is a good idea.
If your ex reaches out, and it doesn’t interfere with your goals, then you can speak to them and reply to them.
But if they reach out only to suck you back in the drama and you find yourself confused, hurt or angry, then that means your ex is interfering with your goal of healing and you should either ignore them or tell them clearly that you need some space and time.
Mark: I have been letting her reach out to me. I’ve been holding back the urge to text her. She eventually texted me letting me know that she had been having a difficult time with her parents and was busy working with her horses. She also mentioned that she missed me a bunch and that she wished she could get a hug. I tried not to get too excited and instead tried to focus on the issues she was experiencing and encouraging her.
It’s okay to support your ex through a difficult situation but you must take care of your emotional needs first. If speaking to your ex is making you miserable, then you must set clear boundaries.
In Mark’s case, he was learning to not worry about things he couldn’t control.
Mark: I am trying not to overthink things since I can’t physically see her. I do have sympathy for what she is experiencing with her parents. Living with her for 2 and half years, I know how frustrated she can get. She does get depressed easily and I am worried about that. She is living temporarily with her parents, her dad got laid off and drinks at times. I wish I could help her or give her better advice.
Again, notice that Mark was not letting the situation with his ex get into his head. He wasn’t overthinking things or trying to control his ex’s life. He was just letting her be and she was reaching out to him for support.
But if you find yourself overwhelmed speaking to your ex or it brings up a lot of confusion or negative emotions, then you must set some boundaries and take some more time to heal from the breakup.
How To Reconnect and Talk About Getting Back Together?
If enough time has passed and you are ready to reconnect with them, just send them a short message and tell them how you would like to reconnect and talk.
If they reach out to you first, you can do the exact same thing.
If they are interested, then try to set up a meeting and speak to them face to face. The changes you made will show when you both meet.
The biggest mistake people make in this situation is getting back together too soon. They will meet and see the sparks flowing, go back to their home, have sex and get back together. But the next day, they will end up fighting about the issues and break up again.
It’s very very important to take things slow and talk about the issues before officially getting back together. Since both of you had a pattern of fights, and ups and downs in the relationship, you need to build strong foundations of the relationship before getting back together. And that means talking about the things even if it makes you uncomfortable.
You don’t have to dump everything on them on the first date though. But you should stop yourself from immediately getting back together.
You can say things like, “I still have strong feelings for you but I think we should take things slow and take some time to understand each other before jumping into another relationship. Can we meet again next Friday to see how we both feel?”
In Mark’s case, the distance between them forced them to slow things down. Here’s what he said
Mark: Just wanted to let you know that everything with my ex and I has been going well. No more worrying what she is thinking or letting my emotions carry me into a deep hole. As for now Heather and I are staying as friends since she lives in Missouri and I in Texas. We both agree we have our own battles. Working on ourselves before going into a deeper relationship. My heart is at peace knowing that focusing on myself is essential. We can’t control what others think or feel. All I can do is show love and support.
Mark had a good mindset at this point. He stopped worrying about things he couldn’t control and focused on what he could. He communicated honestly with his ex and showed love and support when he could.
But always remember, healing from a breakup is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, you feel great, but sometimes, your mind goes back to panicking. And if you are speaking to your ex, it gets increasingly more difficult.
Be patient when you are speaking with your ex, but Keep Your Mental Health a Priority.
Mark: Kevin, she has been very cold the past few weeks. I was in a good place before but it seems like whenever she doesn’t communicate with me, I start overthinking again. I thought I had my emotions under control but I am still afraid of losing her. I always fear if she is with that other guy but is hiding it from me. But I also know that things are difficult with her parents and sometimes she needs space.
This is crucial when you and your ex start speaking again. You don’t want to push them to get back together. But you also don’t want to become a backup for them while they explore other options.
You must show self-respect and you must keep your mental health a priority. If your ex is making things too dramatic or emotionally overwhelming for you, then just back off and start no contact again. This is what I recommended to Mark. He accepted my suggestions and didn’t contact her until she reached out after a week.
This went on for a few months (three months to be exact). They flirted in between. There were ups and downs. But he gave her space whenever she needed it. And he gave himself space whenever he needed it. He prioritized himself as much as he prioritized his ex.
I would also like to again point out that making a choice to move on is a perfectly reasonable thing to do at this stage. Especially if your ex is not responsive or if things are getting emotionally overwhelming.
A lot of people also choose to date other people if things with their ex seem uncertain and that is again a perfectly reasonable since you both are not dating.
Mark chose not to move on and decided to be patient with his ex. For Mark, he wanted to show her that he is better capable of handling conflicts and stressful situations. And he figured the best way to do that is by being patient. In addition, he also saw a great potential with her or perhaps he was just delusional. He will find out eventually because he decided to visit Missouri and meet her.
Mark: Heather and I met today and I can see she has really worked on her issues as well. During our talk, she mentioned how she was very critical of me and she should have been kinder. It brought a tear to my eye because I was holding some resentment towards her for being mean to me during the relationship. I have high hopes for us to start something new and meaningful. But we are following your advice and taking things slow. I also floated the idea of doing couples therapy as you suggested and she was onboard. Thank you.
Mark’s story ended with them getting back together. But remember that this does not always happen. The most critical thing that made them get back together was the fact that his ex also worked on her issues separately. She had the awareness and the courage to face her issues and work on them. Unfortunately, not everyone is like that.
Now, I am well aware that Mark and Heather may break up again in the future. I also know the doubts that most of you reading this story will have. Did Heather sleep with that other guy while she was in Missouri? Was she keeping Mark as a backup just so she could come back to him when she realized the other guy isn’t better?
And yes, those are valid concerns. But in my experience, focusing on those things is never really a good thing. Because those aren’t things you can control. Mark and Heather spoke about it and he was sure she was never sexually involved with the other guy.
But the most important thing to focus is that she chose to acknowledge her mistakes in the relationship and worked on her issues. She even agreed to go for couples counseling. And that is the reason why I am hopeful for their story.
I’ve included Mark’s story because this article is about getting an ex back and Mark successfully got his ex back. But only about 3 out of 10 people manage to get the same results as Mark after a toxic relationship ends.
In most cases, despite the best efforts from my readers or clients, an ex just refuses to grow as a person and they end up in another unhealthy cycle. And this is why in most cases, it’s just a healthier decision to let go of your ex and move on.
The point I am trying to make here is that it will take work from both sides for reconciliation to work out. The best you can do is communicate honestly, focus on your side of the work, be realistic about your chances and be willing to walk away if it’s not a healthy reconciliation.
Situation 2 – Wanting Your Ex Back After a Loving, Healthy Relationship Ended
Maybe you knew things could have been better but you weren’t expecting a breakup. Maybe you thought everything was great and the breakup blindsided you. Or maybe you could feel your ex slowly pulling away for months before they dropped the breakup bomb on you.
Whatever is the case, an unexpected breakup can be traumatizing. Especially if you imagined living a life with your ex and everything seemed fine. And it’s natural that you would want to get them back.
As an example, we will take Kacey, a reader who emailed me for advice,
Kacey: I am 27 years old, and my ex-boyfriend (can’t believe I’m saying that) is 30. I was his first serious relationship. I dated a few guys before him, but our relationship blew the others out of the park.
We were together for 3.5 years. We broke up (he broke up with me) two days ago.
Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was damn close. We had a lot of fun together, always made each other laugh, went through a lot together, and we were on the same page about marriage, kids etc. Sex was great but it did slow down during the last year of our relationship.
I had a feeling the breakup was coming. We had an extremely rough month leading up to it and he kept asking for space to “think about things”. Like an idiot, I didn’t give him space and kept trying to convince him we could fix everything and pestering him for an answer. He went to California for a few days to visit his sister… and after that came home and decided we were done.
I know I should do no contact and focus on healing but it’s very difficult right now because I started a new career and most of my friends have left the town. I feel incredibly alone.
Most Common Reasons For Such Breakups
Kacey: He said he struggled with his feelings and tried to talk himself out of it, but “while he loves me as a person and thinks the world of me, he’s not in love with me anymore”, “we don’t fit together,” “we don’t make sense” “he doesn’t see a happy future” “we let things get past the point of no return” “he can’t do it anymore” “things are already hard and they’re just going to get harder down the line” “I don’t trust you or this relationship”
Regardless of the way the breakup happened, such breakups usually happen because your ex lost attraction and the emotional connection with you.
Both attraction and emotional connection are important for a relationship. And when one starts depleting, the other one usually follows. For example, if you lost yourself in the relationship, became fat, lazy or became whiny, your ex will stop feeling attracted to you. As a result, they will feel their emotional connection also fading away.
On the other hand, if your ex didn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship to express their feelings or be vulnerable, or if they felt neglected or their needs were not met, then the emotional connection they felt with you started dwindling. And as a result, they slowly detached from you and stopped feeling attracted to you.
In both cases, it’s rarely only one person’s fault. With proper communication and effort, the breakup could have been avoided. This is provided that both of you cared about the relationship enough to work on it.
Of course, there are other factors such as stress or outside influence that contribute to this.
For Kacey, their relationship started deteriorating during a stressful time in her life –
Kacey: I had many hurdles such as several health problems for me, my father having a terminal illness, and many other stressors that led me to become nearly paralyzed with depression. I leaned on Tim and became very dependent on him during that time.
He was always there for me but I think it did make him lose connection with me. Maybe he felt overburdened by everything.”
This is also a very common situation that leads to a lot of breakups. A stressful period of life puts stress in the relationship and some couples never truly recover from that. Love, unfortunately, is not always powerful enough to see a relationship through the hardship of life. You also need respect, communication, trust and self-awareness.
Most Common Reason for Wanting an Ex Back –
Kacey: And I still want to try to get him back. I think he does love me, even if he said he didn’t, or did just as a friend. I think he was saying things he doesn’t mean (or thinks he means, right now) to get me to move on and be angry.
In most cases, people still want their ex back because they see a potential for a healthy relationship with their ex. They truly believe that the connection was special and it’s worth saving. And even if their ex told you “that they are not in love with you”, it’s just so hard to believe that because of the history you share.
But after speaking to my clients and readers, I’ve found there is always a hint of underlying insecurities, low self-esteem and sometimes codependency that is driving that belief.
This was also true to some extent in the case of Kacey. She went through a lot with Tim and developed a sort of dependency on him while also lowering her self-esteem.
What You Should Do Immediately After The Breakup?
Kacey: I didn’t react well to the breakup, but it also could have been worse. I was as calm as I could be. I only cried a little. I did try to convince him we had something worth saving, but I didn’t beg. He said if he thought there was, he would still be trying to save it. I asked if we could take some time and space. He said no, he wanted a break up. I asked if he saw any chance for us down the road. He said he couldn’t say never, but he doesn’t see it happening at this point.
I disagree with Kacey. I think she handled the breakup perfectly. It’s totally normal to cry and try to see if there is still a chance to. She spoke her feelings honestly and calmly. And that’s the best way to handle a breakup.
You can say anything you want to your ex as long as you are not being desperate. In this particular situation, if Kacey repeatedly tried to convince him, or turned that into begging or crying inconsolably, then that would have been desperate and would have hurt her chances. But she asked him to reconsider only once. And when he refused, she accepted it. Which is a mature way to handle the aftermath of a breakup.
But unfortunately, Kacey could not easily implement no contact, here’s what she said after about one month of the breakup (remember her initial email was two days after the breakup) –
Kacey: I have tried and failed several times at No Contact. He keeps contacting me and I keep caving. And he’s not begging to take me back. It’s more like “when can I drop off your stuff” “Thanks for dropping off my stuff” etc. He called to thank me for dropping off the last of his things and of course it devolved into a “why can’t we work this out” conversation.
And he’s “trying to make this as easy as he can on me” (ha) and while “if we both were in better places and found our ways back to each other” he could see us getting back together in the future, it’s “not something we should plan on”.
One of the biggest traps people fall into after the end of a loving and respectful relationship is trying to be friends with their ex.
People believe that being friends or staying in touch with their ex will keep the door open, will remind their ex of how much they love them, and it may help them come back.
But in reality, staying in touch has the opposite effect. It delays healing and it never gives your ex a chance to experience the breakup.
In Kacey’s case, her ex was also dangling the hope of getting back together in front of her without really committing anything. He may have good intentions, but it was cruel. He wasn’t letting her go and he wasn’t getting back together. He was clearly trying to keep her hopeful while he got to see what life would be like being single.
Kacey, if your love and your connection was so special, then you must put some faith in that connection and let your ex go. That’s the only way they will miss that connection and realize the importance of it. If they don’t, then your connection wasn’t as special as you thought it was.
Real Healing begins only after both parties stop contacting each other and let yourself feel all the emotions.
What should you do during the no contact rule?
The no contact rule, as I said before, is when you don’t call or text your ex anymore. Whatever your situation is, you try your best to stop or minimize all communication with your ex. Whether it is direct or indirect.
The points I mentioned above are still valid for this situation as well. That means you absolutely must work on your communication skills, on your self-esteem, and your personal growth.
But in addition, if you and your ex had a loving and healthy relationship but you still broke up, then here are things you should also do during your time apart to diagnose the issues and work out a solution for them.
1. Think about the way you showed up in the relationship – Were you the person who always created the problems in the relationship? Were you initiating most of the fights? Did your ex feel they had to walk on eggshells around you? Were you always looking for their approval or validation? Were you always afraid of your ex leaving you for someone else? Were you overly jealous? Were you too critical of your ex? Were you too critical of yourself? Were you a roadblock for your ex having a healthy relationship with their friends or family? Were you a doormat for your ex?
2. Think about the way your ex acted that contributed to your behavior – Were they always aloof? Did they act like you are a crazy person who can’t be reasoned with? Were they too afraid to share their feelings with you? Did they lie to avoid conflict with you? Did they withdraw or turn cold occasionally? Did they not make you a priority when they should have? Did they disrespect you subtly or directly? Did they take you for granted? Did they often disapprove of you causing you to seek their validation?
3. Think about the way these things can be resolved – In most cases, these issues can be resolved by proper communication, healthy self-esteem, and Personal Growth. As you work on all these aspects of your life, it will become much clearer what you can do to fix those problems that caused you to drift apart.
4. Educate Yourself on Attachment Styles – Insecurity essentially means not feeling secure in a relationship, not because of the relationship itself, but because of your own emotional baggage (such as childhood, past relationships etc.). Insecurity is aptly described by the attachment theory. So it’s worth it to look into the different attachment styles and how it may have affected your relationship.
Kacey: OK, I’ve been doing the healing worksheets that you advised me to do and reading about attachment styles. Things have started to make a lot of sense. I realized that Tim was very supportive whenever I had stress about other things (such as my father’s illness).
But whenever it came to things about “us”, he would withdraw, shut down the conversation and become cold. It will be, “I’m tired. Let’s talk about it later”, “it’s not that big of a deal”, or just “Okay, fine I’ll do it the way you want.”
I probably wasn’t best at bringing those things up. And I can see how I could have been better at approaching difficult topics calmly, without immediate blame or judgment.
My Ex Blocked Me. How Will They Know that I’ve Grown and Changed?
I understand how it may feel like the purpose of no contact is to show your ex that you have changed by posting stuff on social media. But that’s not the point of no contact at all.
The point is to make internal changes and grow as a person you are okay with whatever outcome comes from this process.
In fact, I usually recommend keeping social media activity to a minimum during no contact. This not only helps you focus on yourself, it also creates a sense of mystery and curiosity for your ex. They start to wonder what you are up to.
So even if your ex blocked you, don’t worry about it. They will most likely unblock you while you are doing no contact and healing. By the time you are ready to speak to them, there is a good chance you will be unblocked. But even if they don’t, you can always send them an email so as to not invade their privacy or act like a stalker.
My Ex is in a new relationship. Won’t they forget about me?
Kacey: I haven’t spoken to him for 10 days now and I am panicking. I found out he went on a date. It feels like it’s over. I am angry, sad, confused, hopeless and panicking all at once. I have never felt this way. Should I text him and say the breakup was a mistake and ask him to get back together?
No, you should not text your ex. Especially if you are panicking. Listen, I know it’s hard to imagine your ex being with someone else when you want them back. But unfortunately, rebound relationships are very common. The fact is, no matter how soon they started the rebound relationship, they aren’t technically cheating on you.
But, there’s a silver lining here. People who tend to get into a rebound don’t heal from the breakup because they use the new relationship as a distraction.
Remember, real healing begins when you stop contacting each other and feel your emotions. So while you are facing your breakup grief head on, your ex is trying to distract themselves. As a result, they won’t fully heal. Plus, in most cases, a rebound relationship ends within a couple of months.
So while it may feel like the world is ending, I recommend you stick to the no contact rule and let your ex do whatever they want. They’ve chosen to leave you and date someone else – let them. Instead of trying to break them up, focus on yourself and continue healing.
You can choose to have hope that their relationship will end and they will miss you. But it’s just better to not focus on that hope and shift your focus to healing and becoming a better version of yourself.
How much time should you give each other?
Kacey emailed me after almost a month of no contact. She said,
Kacey: I’ve been in no contact for almost a month since that conversation and I am doing no contact for another few weeks (around 45 days total) because I’m still a mess. I have days where I feel fine and think “I could do better” and then there are days like today where I miss him so much and cry all day and I just want to call.
Again, it’s best to give yourself as much time as possible to heal and accept the breakup. You need to reach a place where you can honestly say, “I don’t need my ex to be happy. But I want to try getting back together because I see the potential for a great relationship.”
If you can’t honestly say that to yourself, then don’t reach out and continue moving on with your life. But if you can, go ahead and reach out to your ex.
Kacey was clearly not emotionally ready to end no contact. And in my opinion, even 45 days wouldn’t be enough time for her.
Remember, Kacey lacked a crucial aspect of healing during no contact. Earlier, she said –
“I know I should do no contact and focus on healing but it’s very difficult right now because I started a new career and most of my friends have left the town. I feel incredibly alone.”
She lacked social support. And that means it will be even harder for her since she won’t be able to meet and hang out with her friends. So if you have friends around you during the breakup, thank your lucky stars because they make things a 1000% easier. Spend time with them as much as you can.
In my experience, it usually takes 2-3 months for someone like Kacey to reach a stage of acceptance if she focuses her energy on self-love and self-improvement.
That’s what she did. She joined a new gym, did Yoga, went for a meditation retreat, started eating healthy, went to meetups where she made new friends and reconnected with her old friends virtually. It took longer for her but she started feeling better.
Remember, it’s not about your ex. It’s about you. You should take as much time as you need. Your ex will probably still have feelings for you for at least six months since both you and your ex had a loving relationship.
When those 45 days were over, Kacey decided to extend no contact for another two weeks because she wasn’t ready nor confident in wanting to pursue her ex. And then she did it again, twice.
After about three months, she felt ready to contact him, here’s what she said.
Kacey: Kevin, I am emailing you because I’ve decided to reach out to my ex. I know he has avoidant traits and maybe it will push him away. But I want to reach out and see if getting back together is a possibility. I still have feelings for him but I want to do it because I feel I need to move forward. I know I will be okay even if we don’t get back together.
How To Reconnect and Talk About Getting Back Together?
My advice for reaching out (or in case your ex reaches out) remains the same as before. If you are ready to reach out, go ahead and reach out. There is a chance your ex will be missing you and be glad to hear from you. If they’ve moved on from you, you will still be glad that you reached out because you will know for sure that there is no point in trying to pursue them.
And again, the point of reaching out is to eventually set up a meeting so you can see if getting back together is the right thing to do.
For most people, I recommend a short acknowledgement of what went wrong and then ask your ex if they are open to reconnecting. I explain more about ways to reach out to an ex in this article.
But for Kacey, we decided a simple text – direct, short and sweet.
This is exactly what Kacey said to her ex –
“Hey, it’s been a while and I just wanted to let you know I miss you. How have you been? It would be nice to catch up someday if you are up to it.”
Her ex replied almost immediately (very rare). Turns out it was good timing because he just ended the rebound relationship and was missing Kacey terribly. He started reaching out to her more and more subsequently. Eventually, they both decided to meet up.
When you meet up, you must show up as your best self. But you should be authentic. Try not to act like someone you are not. But if you have made the changes that I recommend during no contact, you will have confidence and be a better version of yourself. You will be YOU version 2.0.
And that is very attractive. You are someone new, yet very familiar. Someone they are comfortable with but also excited to be with. They will feel like they are on a first date with someone they know deeply.
That attraction usually leads to getting back together. But like before, don’t jump back into a relationship. Take things slow and treat it like a new relationship. Get to know each other again and talk about the issues of the past. Maybe not immediately, but eventually before officially getting back together.
Kacey: “I am going to meet him tomorrow. From whatever conversations we had, he seemed really interested in me. But I am having more and more doubts about him. For starters, he dated someone else while we were broken up and since that didn’t work out, he is back to me. I feel like a second option to him. And secondly, I see some traits that really feel like a red flag. He recently said a backhanded compliment that reminded me of something he used to do while we were dating. He would say things that would make me doubt myself and feel like I am not good enough.
I am more aware of how his words affect me now. And while I am hopeful, I also know my worth and I will speak to him about those issues before getting back together.”
I want you to notice how Kacey went from “Our relationship was almost perfect.” to, “I think he may have had some emotionally abusive traits.” within the span of 4 months after the breakup.
That’s a very common scenario because the truth always reveals itself sooner or later. I always prefer that my clients reach the truth as soon as possible. That’s why I advise them to start no contact as soon as possible and ask themselves the right questions while they are healing.
As for Kacey, that was the last communication I had with her. I am still trying to follow up with her to get more of her story, and I will update this whenever I do. But I feel confident that she will make the right decision. Even if they get back together, I think she will set clear boundaries which will either lead to a healthy relationship or another breakup (which will probably be for good).
At this point, Kacey had done everything in her power. It all depends on her ex and how he shows up in the relationship. If he owns up to where he went wrong and tries to communicate better, it will be a great relationship. If he blames everything on Kacey or tries to ignore the boundaries she sets up, it’ll probably lead to another breakup. In either case, I am confident Kacey will lead a healthy and fulfilling life with or without her ex.
Saying Your Piece To Your Ex
In Kacey’s case, she decided to start things slow with her ex and talk about their life generally. But lately, I’ve also been recommending a more direct approach to reaching out to an ex which is often less confusing and doesn’t drag things for too long.
I call this the “Say Your Piece” message. And the best way to deliver this message is in person. I only recommend this if you have done enough no contact (at least two months), and you still want them back.
Essentially, you tell your ex exactly how you feel with no filters and be prepared to walk away if they are not interested.
“Hey Ex, I know we’ve been broken up for a while and I have accepted it. Since the breakup, I’ve been healing and working on myself. And I know I can move on from this if I choose to. But I truly believe that we had was something special. And I think we should at least consider trying again.
I am telling you this because I feel I need to say this and I want to know how you feel about this. Whatever you decide, I will respect it.”
This kind of message can be said directly at the time of reaching out to your ex. But it can also be said after you and your ex start speaking to each other and you feel confusion, or if you feel your ex is dragging you along.
For example, in case of Kacey, if she meets her ex and feels like her ex is not really committing to getting back together, and she feels emotionally overwhelmed or confused by his action, she can choose to “say her piece” and walk away if her ex doesn’t commit.
The important thing to note about the “Say Your Piece” message is that it’s about you. It’s not a desperate attempt to get them back when you can’t move on. It’s something you say when you are ready to let go of an ex and walk away.
You say whatever you feel you need to say in the message – not to convince your ex to come back, but to unburden yourself of “what ifs” and let go.
It’s what you say so you don’t wonder “what if” anymore and you get a clear answer from your ex if they are on the same page or if there is a potential to get back together. If not, then you walk away, with no regrets and no shame.
Situation 3 – Wanting Your Ex Back After a Breakup That Happened During a Stressful Situation
Sometimes breakups happen during the heat of the situation or when one party is in a stressful situation in their lives. A lot of couples breakup because the stress from work, and the stress from the relationship compound over time.
See a reader, Jenna
Jenna: “I’d been with him for nearly nine months. We talked every day since January, and even though that’s not a huge amount of time, it felt serious to me. We’d both met each other’s families, so I assumed everything was fine. I’m not the best at sharing my emotions, but I was eager to grow with him. He knew about my past abuse, family issues and everything.
Two days ago, he came over. We typically saw each other once a week, since he works most days and I’m a nurse. I’d told him I hated going longer than a week without seeing him, but I understood the busy schedules. I am a nurse and he works six days a week. He promised to come Friday, got sick, postponed to Saturday, then canceled again because he was tired. I’d prepped, showered, tidied, everything, but when I heard he wasn’t coming, I ended up crying in public. When I got home my friend told me to just tell him how I feel. I said honestly, I’m annoyed, we need to find a way to meet up more.. His response was “I think we should break up. We aren’t in the same stages of life”
I feel like a crazy woman because it just seems so petty. But I love him so much and I just wanted to spend more time with him. I really didn’t see this coming, it’s literally the only semi-healthy relationship I’ve experienced..”
Most common reasons for such breakups include
- Fight, anger or saying something hurtful
- Interference from friends or family causing miscommunication
- Work stress (working full time or overtime)
- Study Stress (starting a new course in a university which demands a lot of their time)
- Feeling guilty after a fight or acting in a disrespectful way.
Jenna: “We promised to talk if anything bothered us. But the time I honestly told him what bothered me, he broke up with me. I don’t know what happened.”
In Jenna’s case, it’s pretty obvious that the work stress was too much for both her and his boyfriend. The fact that she ended up crying in public is a sign that she is over-stressed as well.
The relationship is relatively new and her ex boyfriend thought that instead of letting this relationship add to his life stress, it’s better to end it.
Yes, there’s an option to talk things through and come out stronger. And in the long term, that’s a healthier option for both of them because it may lead to a secure healthy relationship.
But human beings tend to think short term and since at the present moment, he had a lot of stress from work, he just decided to alleviate some of the stress by breaking up with her.
Note that it wasn’t just for selfish reasons. A lot of people break up because they feel incapable of handling conflict or solving relationship issues and don’t want to hurt their partners. This was also the case for Jenna’s ex boyfriend.
In short, a lot of people, in stressful situations, tend to exhibit avoidance behaviors. It’s just easier to run away from a problem than to face it head on. And that is what happened here.
Why you probably want your ex back –
The issues that lead to the breakup are not slow, or eroding. They are very surface level issues which can probably be fixed if you both speak to each other. A part of you knows that the strong connection and attraction between the both of you is still there. And you want to try your best to work on that.
In Jenna’s case, it was a simple problem that could have been resolved by talking and setting up a schedule. But her ex boyfriend also needs to put in an effort to follow through.
What you should do immediately after the breakup
Jenna: I texted him and asked him how long he has been thinking about it. And he ignored that message and unfriended me on Insta.
In Jenna’s case – the fact that he ignored talking about the breakup in detail means he definitely had some avoidant tendencies. It’s evident he wanted to escape and didn’t want to talk about it. And in such cases, it’s best just to say what you need to say and give them space.
In Jenna’s case, this is what I recommended her to say her ex boyfriend –
“Listen, I understand that the problem may seem overwhelming. But I really don’t think it’s a big deal and we can talk it out and figure out a solution. I think our connection is great and we shouldn’t make a rash decision. How about we both take a break and meet again in 4 days to talk about it?”
Essentially, you try to turn this breakup into a break. A break has a lot of advantages as it gives both parties a much needed space and time during stressful periods. And more often than not, couples decide to get back together after taking a break.
On the other hand, if you beg, plead, or desperately try to stop the breakup from happening, you will most likely push your ex away.
So whenever you try this tactic, do so from a place of confidence and be calm. If you act needy or desperate, it’s going to push your ex further away.
How does your ex react to your request of taking a break?
Jenna: He wound up texting me the next morning, saying he’d acted rashly when he broke up because he was at work, overwhelmed, and just wanted to escape. We ended up having a really long conversation, talking through everything that happened—both the original issue and how it led to all this—and it feels like we reached a good place. Right now, things seem positive between us.
Anyway, I wanted to say thank you because the advice I got really helped me hold onto some hope, and so far, it’s turned out well. If, down the road, it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t. But I’m ready to try, and I’m glad he’s decided to stay and work through it, too.
For Jenna, the strategy to ask for a break worked. Just knowing that she was willing to give him space and that she believed in the relationship was enough for him to reconsider. But sometimes, people do need space and the break can last for up to a month.
In some cases, your ex will be adamant about breaking up no matter what you say and if that happens, then you should treat it as a proper breakup and then follow the same advice I mentioned above in Situation 1 and Situation 2.
