Should I Contact My Ex on Valentine’s Day? It Won’t Go The Way You Think It Will. | Ex Back Permanently

I am sort of paranoid about Valentine’s day. It’s the first time I will be single during Valentine’s Day in years. It’s the same for her. I know it will be difficult for her as well. I know she is not dating someone else. So it just feels weird to not contact her. At the very least, shouldn’t I send her flowers?

Our breakup was kind of messy. It happened because we had a big fight after a series of smaller fights and tension over the last six months. She finally said that she fell out of love as she felt I neglected her needs for a long time. The thing is though, she never really expressed her needs clearly. I was too busy with work and stress from my family to figure it out on my own.

During the breakup, she told me that she has decided to move on and that I should respect her decision. But what if she misses me during Valentine’s day and expects me to reach out? Will it really be so bad if I just send her flowers or just a simple “Happy Valentine’s Day” text?

Should I Contact My Ex on Valentine’s Day?

In most cases, contacting an ex on Valentine’s Day, or sending them flowers, or asking them out on a date, is most probably going to backfire in ways you don’t imagine.

So the answer to most people asking whether or not they should text their ex on Valentine’s or send them flowers, from my experience, is a clear No.

Why?

The reason is simple. If you were broken up with, then your ex does not see you as a romantic partner anymore. And contacting them on Valentine’s day will make you look needy and desperate in their eyes.

They are going to think,

“They still think I can be their valentine even though I made it clear I don’t want to be with them. Are they delusional?”

In most cases, when you want to reach out to an ex during Valentine’s Day, you hope and expect that the interaction will lead you both to get back together.

But the truth is, it will most likely push your ex away. Especially if your ex has made it clear that they don’t want a relationship with you. And double especially if you acted needy or desperate after the breakup. That means if you did things like begging, texting them constantly, acting jealous, showing anger, pleading, acting like you won’t live without them etc. etc.

This desperate and needy behavior is what sabotages most people’s chances of getting an ex back and prevents them from healing and moving on at the same time. I talk about it a lot on my website in my 5 step plan to get your ex boyfriend back or ex girlfriend back.

[Recommend Reading] How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

You and your ex may still have a chance. Although, it probably won’t happen on this Valentine’s day. Take this quiz to find out your chances of getting your ex back.

But What if My Ex is Expecting a Message or a Gesture From Me?

This was the question from Jack that you can find above. Essentially, Jack felt he neglected his ex too much, and neglecting his ex on Valentine’s Day is just going to add to the grudges his ex girlfriend holds against him.

But the truth is, once her ex made the decision to break up with him, her expectations from Jack completely changed. Well, some of the fundamental expectations remain the same. But the post breakup dynamics are completely different.

Let’s look at this way. Your girlfriend or boyfriend expects you to understand them, respect them and show you care.

Your ex expects you to understand them and respect them more than anything else.

Before the breakup –

Understanding them means —> listening to them, paying attention to them, trying to understand their point of view in disagreements, their pain points, what they care about etc.

Respecting them means —-> Admiring them as a person and respecting them for who they are as an individual. Respecting their boundaries in the relationship.

After the breakup –

Understanding them means —-> Accepting that they have decided to end the relationship because of what happened. That they have decided to move on from the relationship.

Respecting Them Means —-> Respecting their decision to end the relationship even though it is hard for both of you. Respecting whatever boundaries they decided to set after the breakup.

Of course, every situation is different. But people’s needs change drastically after a breakup. If you keep looking at your ex girlfriend from the same point of view as if you are still together, you will keep pushing them away by overstepping their boundaries.

The problem with Jack’s point of view, “what if she expects me to do something special” is that it’s coming from a place where he still thinks of his ex as his girlfriend. And he hopes that she still thinks of him as his boyfriend.

I get it that it’s really hard to go from seeing someone as “your soulmate” to seeing them as “an ex of the past”. But that’s what breakups are. And that’s why they are so brutal.

Moreover, even if it somehow works and they get back together without healing and making positive changes, there is a good chance they will repeat the same patterns and break up again later on.

But, healthy reconciliations can happen once you’ve both healed and come back together from a place of acceptance rather than a place of denial or desperation. I talk a lot about healthy reconciliation and if you are interested in getting back with your ex, then you should read more articles on my website, and take my quiz which tells you your chances of getting your ex back in a healthy relationship.

Don’t fret about missing one Valentine with your ex. It’s just a holiday overhyped by the media and the greeting cards company. Your goal is to have a long and healthy relationship with your ex, which will include many Valentine, New years, Birthdays etc. that you’ll cherish forever. Don’t jeopardize your goal just to spend one overhyped holiday with your ex. Instead, try this step by step guide on getting your ex girlfriend back.

It’s Valentine’s Day and I Want My Ex Back. What Should I Do?

If a part of you wants your ex back, realize that Valentine’s day is just an overhyped holiday marketed by gift companies. It’s not going to help you get your ex back in a healthy relationship. Even if you do end up together because of the loneliness and the urge this holiday brings to be in a relationship; it’s not going to fix the issues that broke you both up in the first place.

Instead, spend this Valentine focusing on healing from the breakup and loving yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing and do it for yourself. Spend time with your single friends and family and realize that all types of love bring value to your life, not just romantic love.

If next year, you and your ex are back together, you can have a great Valentine’s with them. But this year, choose to honor the love you have for other people in your life.

And lastly, remind yourself that if you and your ex truly have a special connection and can have a healthy relationship, then you can get back together using the principles of respect and honest communications. It probably won’t happen during this Valentine’s Day and it will take some time. But in the long run, you will be glad you took some time before reconciling because your relationship will be stronger for it.

Here are the 5 Steps To Get Your Ex Back that you can read in full in my 5 Step Plan to Get Your Ex Back.

The 5 Steps To Get Your Ex Back

It’s interesting that while following this process, you don’t do anything “extra” to get them back that would prevent you from moving on. This is why I also call it “The Do Nothing” approach to getting your ex back.

This approach is congruent to what you would do if you respect yourself and wish to move forward in life, even if it includes interacting with your ex at one point (not on Valentine’s Day) to see if there’s a potential. And it is still the most effective way to get your ex back permanently.

The most important part of this plan is to give your ex space and time by doing something called the no contact rule, use that time to heal from the breakup and confident again before trying anything to get back together.

Okay, can I Contact My Ex After Valentine’s Day?

If you have healed, are sure that there is potential for a healthy relationship with your ex, and want to reconnect with them from a place of confidence and clarity, then yes, it’s okay to reach out to your ex.

I have five templates that I recommend my clients use to reach out to their ex after they have been no contact for a while and have healed from the breakup. I call these the “Elephant in the room” text and you can download it by clicking the button below –

Download 5 Sample Texts That Can Get Your Ex To Start Talking Again

In addition, here are some resources that will help you understand when is it okay to reach out to an ex, what to expect and what to do after you reach out –

The Art Of Using Text Messages To Get Your Ex Back [with 72 Examples]

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently in a Healthy Relationship – 5 Step Plan

The No Contact Rule Explained – And How It Works To Get Your Ex Back

Whether or Not, When, and What To Text Your Ex After No Contact Rule

What To Do After The No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Back

I reached out to my ex on Valentine’s Day and Got Rejected. Did I Screw Up?

Absolutely not. Despite everything I said above, know that if you do reach out to your ex, and if it doesn’t go as you planned, it’s no big deal.

The fact is, every situation is different and if you did feel like you had to do it, then it’s okay.

Remember, a lot of people act needy and desperate after a breakup. And if you did something in a moment of neediness, it’s not a big deal. You did not screw up. Maybe you acted out of anxiety or fear of losing your ex. And that’s okay.

The important thing is to realize that your ex is not ready for the type of connection with you right now. And the best thing you can do right now is respect their need for space and accept this breakup.

You may still have a chance with your ex in the future. But for now, you need to let them go and be single.

To give you an example, Jack, the person with the question in the beginning of this article, did end up reaching out to his ex (despite me saying no). He sent her flowers and then later texted her “Happy Valentine’s Day. Hope you got the flowers.”

His ex didn’t reply. And it gutted him. But like I said, in the long run, it was not a big deal. He went on to do no contact for a couple of months and reconnected with his ex after that.

They had an opportunity to get back together after a few months but they both decided against it due to circumstances. In the long run, him reaching out during Valentine’s Day and getting ghosted did not ruin his chances because he then implemented the no contact rule, and focused on healing.

So again, don’t worry if you already reached out. It’s not a big deal. But if you haven’t reached out yet, my recommendation is to not reach out at all until you have healed and are coming from a place of clarity and acceptance rather than that of desperation and neediness.