Yes, no contact rule can help you move on from a breakup. It can also help you get your ex back.
But did you know it can also make you realize that your relationship is worth trying to save and maybe it makes sense to be vulnerable and reach out?
It can also put you in a healthy mindset when it comes to getting an ex back.
It can also make you realize that your ex was not worth it and you are better off leaving them behind.
It can help you realize what’s important for you and give you the perspective you may not want, but you need.
Here is what 12 of our community members had to say about how no contact worked for them.
1. It works to create space for an ex to realize what’s important for them.
So we actually got back together about 3 weeks after we broke up. He went on holiday with his family and I went on a work trip, and when I got back I decided to write him a letter. I didn’t want to do it via text, because that would seem like I required a reply. But at the same time there was SO much I felt I hadn’t said to him. So much that I felt but had never articulated because we had only been together for 8 months at the time! A letter seemed appropriate.
A few days after I sent the letter, we bumped into each other on a night out and he poured his heart out to me. He was crying on my shoulder in the street and said he had so many regrets. We agreed to meet, sober, in the week. And we did. We chatted through everything and essentially he had just had a life crisis but realized losing me was the worst thing and the whole thing just put everything into perspective for him.
Flash forward 10 years to 2024, we’ve been married for almost 4 years, and welcomed our first baby girl last summer! Together almost 11 years now and those 3 weeks seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I truly believe we both needed to go through that to have the life & relationship we have now.
I always held onto the quote “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end” and I live by that now. If something is meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. If not, all it means is something better is around the corner. Plus if a man really wants you, he’ll let you know. I didn’t text or call him once whilst we were broken up. I just sent the letter saying what I needed to say (for me more than him) and never needed a reply. It was him who realized his errors and essentially declared his undying love for me (lol!). And these experiences always make you stronger. I’m grateful I went through this, more than I can say! And I know it worked out well for me in the end, but I’m sure other people have equally happy endings even if it didn’t result in them getting back together.
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2. It helps realize the true nature of your ex.
I guess I have to say that this whole “get back with your ex” thing doesn’t work for me and it has never worked (I have tried each time in every relationship, somehow)
What happened with your ex? Did you move on? Did you get back together?
We literally just lost contact. I didn’t even remember that he ever texted me to give me back my stuff but I remember now that I never replied back to him. We saw each other once with the girl he cheated on me with in the streets and we ignored each other, no eye contact at all. Of course I’ve moved on by then. It took me some time to realize that he was a narcissist manipulator and I am happy for the lessons I have learned throughout this relationship and most importantly, how much I have grown.
Can you share any valuable lessons you learned?
I do recommend anyone interested in trying to get their exes – to actually try to get them back. I believe no contact rule is the best thing you can do to actually process the breakup and work on yourself. Luckily to me, each time I went through that stage, I have only realized how better off I was without them.
What advice would you give someone going through a similar situation?
You should never chase anyone. Love is free. If you truly love someone, you would let them go – for what love is to let that person be happy, even if it means not having you in their lives. The biggest form of love is the one you give to yourself.
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3. It works in helping achieve the right mindset before reaching out to an ex.
Basically my insecurities really caused a toxic vibe throughout the relationship and I’ve done a lot of self esteem work to try and sort this for myself. We were together a long time and I feel as though I have the right mindset to achieve a good relationship with him, but also that I’d be absolutely fine if it didn’t work out.
I sent the elephant in the room text explaining my personal growth, basically saying I know I’m strong enough to deal with anything life throws at me and explaining the therapy and self esteem work I’m doing. Made no mention of getting back together, kept it very much that I was apologizing for my actions and how I was working on myself and focusing on improving myself for me. Said that I hoped things were good for him, asked about the dog and left it at that.
His response was
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad you’re working on your confidence. Hope everything goes well for you because you deserve it. Dog is still crazy and I’m ok”
I responded few hours later with lighthearted
“I’m glad the dog is still crazy because he wouldn’t be him otherwise lol. Thanks I do deserve to do well I know. Hope things are going well for you.”
Did you get back together?
My ex and I did end up getting back together for a short period but we ultimately ended for good a short time later.
This was a good result for me though as I now have the most wonderful partner who has been alongside me who treats me in the way I have always longed for.
Our relationship is one that I have always dreamt of and based on a mutual respect and deep love for one another and I am truly happy and secure.
I believe the growth work I did with yourself helped tremendously in recognising my own emotions and being confident of who I am as a person and validating my own needs, which ultimately led me to the relationship I have now.
It is 2 years together and counting and we are tremendously happy together so thank you for your help Kevin it really helped me find a happy healthy secure sense of wellbeing and a wonderful relationship with my new partner.
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4. It helps in regaining individuality before reaching out to an ex
My advice is very much along the lines of your original advice. No contact for 30 days! During that time, I made sure that I went out and did things that I wouldn’t normally do. Just anything to keep busy and meet people. I think during that time it made me realize that I was an individual and she was an individual (I know that sounds obvious but when you are with someone for a while things start to mesh together) While we were split up, I ended up doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Going out and playing pool, joining a gym, going to a movie on my own ect.. When we eventually started talking again, I had a lot of things to talk about. I believe that was important. Showing that you are independent during the time you break up and that you are enjoying life.
I think it’s important that when you start trying to initiate contact again that you show that you are being positive and supportive. I only reached out to her because she wanted me to and she was happy to speak to me after a short period of non-contact. I do remember after the 30 days helping my ex (my ex at the time) pack her things prior to going to Florida.
That resonated with her because she couldn’t find anyone else willing to help, and she knew I was hurt that she was moving. She did not end up moving, we got back together, and we are now married with two children.
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5. It works in realizing that you need to step back and focus on yourself
I eventually was able to move on from my ex after taking responsibility for all of my actions and understanding how lacking as a person I was.
My best advice to people going through a similar situation to me is to not look at all of the things the other person did wrong as you cannot change them. Take sometime with yourself, go for long walks and hikes and really think of all of the areas you are lacking in, then go to improve them. Join a gym, confide in your friends for advice, start meditating and reading philosophy.
Nowadays I am doing fantastic, I am in the best shape I have even been in, I have my dream job, and I have my fair share of women to choose from. Building myself up and taking responsibility for my actions while letting her go was the best thing I could have ever done with my life.
I did try to win her back after. We met up a few times to have coffee and run some errands together. I realized how much I needed to grow and work on myself in those 30 days and realized I wasn’t ready for a relationship. At the time I wanted nothing else than to get back together but I knew that wasn’t the right decision. Best idea I have ever had was to realize this, step back, and improve myself.
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6. It works in realizing that you need to be a priority.
I am glad to update you that I am currently married to the love of my life and even though I went back to my ex for a while after I posted here, I am happy it didn’t work out because he was prioritizing other things and people over me.
I eventually walked away from the situation after he broke my heart again and I met my husband along the line after I had done some inner work and was over the pain to a large extent. Ultimately, I will always tell anyone going through such a phase to put themselves first in every way and make self love priority at all times. Don’t be an option!
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Relevant Quote – “Don’t make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.”
7. It works in making an ex chase you
No girl ever goes back to a cry baby but everyone forgets their ex’s weakness with time and remembers the real them.
I cried and begged to get her back for 6 months, but as soon as I gave up and moved on and became once again, the boy she fell in love with in the first place, she chased me.
We’ve now been married for ten years.
Believe me, I made every mistake described above.
I was the first guy she slept with and was sure I’d never see her again.
Every day of that 6 month was hell.
If you’re the one being left. Tell them you’ll miss them forever and then never call them again.
I was told that by a clever pal, every day for 6 months but ignored and got to the stage when my (now wife and at the time girlfriend of 5 years) started to hate me.
2 months later she found out I was happy with someone else and she took me down and told me she loved me.
This is not shallow, it’s part of growing up. Realizing you are with the right one.
Be strong. Never call them.
They left you. Pity will never win them back.
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8. It works to realize how your ex may not be all that great.
Your comment reminds me of my first days of NC! It was truly intense! One day I felt guilty; some parts of me were not sure if I was the best. Some parts of me felt angry; she had dumped someone who loved her endlessly. Some parts of me felt stupid; looking for a reconciliation with someone who mistreated me. Some parts of me felt lonely; no more ex, no more being together. Some parts of me felt relieved; we had really rough days lately. Some parts of me felt exhausted; I had worked really hard to make her happy with no reward, of course. some parts of me felt insecure; maybe there is another boy.
Now after 90+ days, I don’t feel much! I simply come to this site to see how are other guys doing. Maybe it’s just a kind of social media addiction. Maybe I am trying to pick up some points for my next relationship.
I even feel sorry for her for losing a nice guy.
Not everyone who comes on this site is 100% sure that they want their ex back! Even in the fiery days of breakup there is a small fraction of logic which says that your ex is not the right person for your life. During this NC, this small fraction of logic becomes stronger and stronger while the overwhelming emotion becomes weaker and weaker. As a result, maybe after a couple of months of doing NC you come to the conclusion that break was the best happening of your relationship.
This happened to me on around 65th day. I saw her. This grumpy ordinary girl was a lot different from the “angel” image that I had of her in my head. Moreover, I realized that some of the girls that I flirt with to overcome the pain of breakup are really more attractive than her! WOWW!!
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9. It works to get you motivated to get back into the dating game.
About a month ago I wrote on here that I couldn’t engage with women anymore. Not because I don’t have game, but because I didn’t have the desire to go after anyone even if I really wanted to.
Yesterday some friends and I met lots of new people at an event. Glad to say that I now have the ambition to go after girls. Unfortunately, the three girls I picked out all had bfs and I respect that so no numbers. However I did talk to them and introduced myself. I can’t wait for another time like this for me to get out there again.
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10. It works in moving onto the next relationship
In all my efforts to appear like I had my life together, I slowly started to actually take care of myself and it became less about him and more about me. About 2 years later, I met my (now) husband. And I would never trade any of this heartbreak or experience for anything because it truly helped make me stronger. I will say, my ex did profess his love for me once he saw I became serious with someone else (they always do). It was too little too late, of course.
Take it one day at a time. I know it’s cliche. But I remember telling myself “just make it through this work week” and “just make it through the end of the month”, “make it through to this holiday” and one day I just stopped counting the days. I stopped counting the days it had been since we broke up. And stopped counting the days until I gave myself permission to reach out to him. And just started living my life again. That was so freeing and I met the true love of my life at a time when I was ready.
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11. It motivates you to build a support system.
Almost a year later I met the guy I married eventually and now I feel so silly worrying about this guy who never respected me forget about loving me.
I realized it’s better to take the broken pieces of your heart, fix them and become someone with high value. I worked on myself, read more, exercised, spent a lot of time building my people.
I am much happier now. And that time of me building myself made me so much more confident! In hindsight that was a very good thing to happen to me. After 10 years now I think about all that pain that I allowed him to cause, I wish I could go back and tell myself that this guy is not worth it. I am very happy in my life now.
I really thank you for your emails during those testing times.
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12. It works in reminding you who you are at your core.
After I went radio silence I did make a couple of decisions that helped me, first of all I had friends and family to talk to and vent and that helped me and they did give me their opinions that wasn’t always what I wanted to hear but was something that I needed to hear and think about.
The second thing was that my self image is that I’m a happy guy so I decided I should stop being sad and depressed as that state of mind is non constructive and will not help me so I took a quote I heard from a TED talk to heart and lived by it.
“Fake it till you become it”.
What i did was i decided to do things that i thought was fun or something that i would have thought was fun until i had fun, basically trying to enjoy life, so for me that meant i went skydiving, i went to the movie, i took a roadtrip with my brother across the country to go to a music concert, i went to the amusement park, i hanged with friends and to big one i started to talk to other girls.
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Will No Contact Work For You?
Yes, it probably will. One way or another.
But if you spend the entirety of no contact focusing on your ex, giving yourself false hope that they will come back, or trying to figure out how to manipulate them into chasing you – it probably won’t work as well as it can.
The above cases are what realistically happens. You could fall in either one of them and you will be fine. So in whatever way no contact works for you, keep the focus on treating yourself with kindness and care.
Can you make no contact work for you in getting your ex back?
Remember, No contact simply means stopping contact with your ex and focusing on yourself. It helps create space between you and your ex. Sometimes that space leads to getting back together through self-realization, missing each other, self-growth, and even reaching out to each other.
But there is no guarantee it will happen. Because every situation is different, it’s hard to predict what will happen in your situation. However, if you and your ex had a very good connection and it really felt like a great relationship, then chances of it working towards getting back together is high.
Recommended Reading – How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan
Does no contact or giving your ex space always work to bring your ex back?
Of course not. Your ex is a human being. There is no surefire way to control a human being’s decision. No contact works to get an ex back in cases when the relationship was good, and you both truly had a special connection with each other. Even then, there are a lot of other factors.
Should no contact rule last a number of days or indefinitely?
Again, it depends from situation to situation.
But the simplest way to put it is, if you have healed enough, are no longer desperate for your ex, and still feel you need to reach out to your ex and try reconciliation; then it’s reasonable to end no contact after a while and try to get back together. Do it from a place of honesty and confidence. But don’t be too pushy either. Whatever happens with your ex, you will know you were true to yourself and did it from a place of honesty.
On the other hand, if during no contact, you realize your ex is not worth reaching out to, then it’s better to continue no contact indefinitely and continue your healing journey.
Read – Whether Or Not, When and What To Text Your Ex After No Contact
Read – The No Contact Rule Explained
Read – What To Do After No Contact Rule – 5 Essential Things
Should I wait for my ex to end no contact first?
Waiting for an ex is a flawed concept because it teaches you to be passive and gives you false hope. I have written many times about it on my website. If you want to move on from them, move on. If you want to get back together, make a move.
A lot of people on the internet say that your ex needs a lot of time based on their attachment style, or the type of breakup. But, in my opinion, that’s just half knowledge and an attempt to instill fear in you.
For starters, human beings are complicated and complex. Attachment styles are just one part of the puzzle. There is also introversion, self-esteem, communication gaps, self-image, and cultural aspects to it.
Your ex is an individual. Don’t put them in a box. And unless you are your ex’s therapist, don’t try to diagnose them.
Moreover, fear of making a wrong move (or the right move at the wrong time) is teaching yourself to act out of fear. Something your ex will sense if they know you.
Instead, focus on yourself and reach out when you need to. Avoidants or any other attachment styles only get turned off when you act desperate or force them in a conversation they don’t want to be. So don’t force your ex into doing something they don’t want. Just express what you want and give them space to respond.
Don’t think of it in terms of power, weakness, or market value. Human relationships are more than that.
Think of it in terms of being true to yourself and putting forward the best version of yourself. This will encourage your ex to do the same.
Recommended Reading – Should I Wait To Get My Ex Back?
What if my ex gets turned off when I reach out after no contact?
Imagine being honest and vulnerable with someone and they ghost you.
Is that the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
If your connection was real, they are probably not going to turn off and ghost you. As long as your message is honest and you are not desperate.
If they do ghost you, the connection was never real or they are just too broken to be with you.
On the other hand, if there are issues stopping them from reaching out, or doubts about reconciliation, honesty works wonders. Sometimes they take a few days to open up (especially avoidants), but they eventually do.
Regardless of what happens, being vulnerable without being needy is an underrated skill. When you learn to do that, you will feel much better about yourself.
Best-selling author Dr. Brené Brown, states that “vulnerability is a key measure of courage. Vulnerability reflects authenticity, truthfulness and transparency.”
In my experience, those three things are extremely important when you want to rebuild the foundations of your new relationship. [We teach exactly how to do that in our Advanced Course and Our Free Email Series]
What is the best way to start no contact?
The best way to start no contact is to just stop texting or calling your ex. However, if there are some doubts, consider telling them beforehand that you need space and time and that you prefer not to speak to them.
Recommended Reading – The No Contact Rule Explained
What are the rules I should follow during no contact?
The simplest rule to follow is to put your mental-health and well-being above the idea of getting your ex back or helping them.
Here are more practical rules to follow
- Don’t text or call your ex.
- Don’t email your ex.
- Don’t try to run into them at place they are likely to visit.
- Don’t keep tabs on them through mutual friends.
- If you have to speak due to shared responsibilities (such as a child, business etc.) then keep it strictly professional and to the topic.
- If they reach out, be kind to them but set clear boundaries based on your goals.
What should be my goal during no contact?
Your main goal during no contact should be to heal from the breakup, stop panicking and get some perspective. The best way to achieve that After a breakup, things are confusing and chaotic. Some people describe it as if there’s a black hole in the pit of their stomach.
By doing no contact, there is enough space between you and your ex for you to let go of the confusion, heal and think rationally.
Additional goals could include
- Get in better shape.
- Eat healthy for a month.
- Sleep on time and get enough sleep every day.
- Break your social media addiction.
- Break any other addiction you may have.
- Spend more time with friends and family.
- Learn to communicate better.
- Focus on your career or studies.
- Get therapy if needed.
- Understand yourself more and learn to accept yourself.
- Raise your self-esteem.
- Start a new hobby.
- Become an expert at a topic you like.
Note that none of these goals include things like “Making your ex miss you”, “Making your ex come back” or “Making them jealous.” It’s because those things are out of your control. As such, making them your goal is a recipe for obsession and feeling helpless.
Do I have a chance of getting them back if I do no contact?
Of course you do. But it depends on a lot of factors. It depends on your relationship, why the breakup happened, how the breakup happened, what happened after the breakup and what you choose to do now.
Moreover, remember your goal or focus shouldn’t be to get them back.
Assuming the breakup is fresh, your best bet is to stop contacting your ex and focus on yourself.
Recommended Quiz – Find out your chances of getting your ex back [Very Accurate]
