I gotta be honest with you, if you are telling yourself that you will wait for your ex to come back – you are disrespecting yourself.
Think about it. They chose to end it. And every day they don’t come back, they are choosing to not be with you. Knowing fully well that you are in pain.
In short, they don’t love you enough or care about you enough to come back.
At least, not now.
And yes, they may change their mind in the future. They may realize their mistake and decide to come back.
But when they do that, they are doing it for themselves. Because they couldn’t find someone better, because they realized that they may lose you, because they realized that they are ready to commit, or because they don’t want to feel guilty.
In short, your ex coming back is about them. It’s about their needs. It’s not about you. No matter how long it takes them.
Your ex is selfish.
And that’s okay. Human beings are selfish. Unconditional and altruistic love is rare.
But when you tell yourself you will wait for an ex who is actively choosing to not be with you, you are kind of putting yourself down.
You are telling yourself that people can hurt you, not care about you, not even check up on you while you are crawling with pain – and you will still wait for them.
Maybe you have tried to justify it – Because you love too deeply, because your ex is going through a phase, because you are soul mates, because love is patient and so on and so forth.
But the underlying truth still remains – your ex is being selfish.
And if you just sit and wait for them to come back and use you again – you are being a doormat.
I am not just gonna take them back. They have to apologize and convince me first.
Sure. That makes sense. But again, by forgiving them and taking them back, what message are you sending them and yourself?
That they can walk out on you, and you will take them back if they apologize.
That it’s okay to leave you in pain and make you wait.
Do you know that a lot of couples who get back together like that end up in an on/off relationship cycle?
That means their ex keeps on leaving and coming back. Because they know that all they have to do is apologize and convince you. Because they know you will be waiting for them and it will be easy to convince you because deep down you want to be convinced.
A 2022 study found that couples in such a relationship end up with low self-esteem and a lot of stress.
It makes sense because, again, the act of waiting for your ex to come back is just telling yourself that you don’t deserve better than this person who walks out on you whenever they want.
Are you telling me that no one gets back together in a healthy relationship?
Not at all. This website has hundreds of stories of couples getting back together in the comment section alone. Plus thousands of stories in our email inbox. One of our reconciliation stories even got famous on TikTok. The TikToker got married and even had a child with her ex (now husband).
Things aren’t so black and white. A lot of couples also learn from their mistakes, grow while they are apart and get back together in a healthy relationship.
Your ex may be truly going through a phase and maybe they just need a lot of time and space.
I am not telling you your ex is selfish so you hate them.
I just want you to see the truth. Right now, your ex is being selfish. And it’s okay.
All I am saying is, you should be a little bit selfish too. Don’t wait for them to come back. And don’t try to desperately get them back.
Save your unconditional altruistic love for when you find someone worthy of it (or until your ex becomes worthy of it). Save your efforts for someone who appreciates it. Until then, be selfish and focus on yourself.
I also want you to realize that a break up is a big deal. It’s not the same as someone walking out on you during a fight or asking your partner to give you some space. So take it seriously.
Even if it’s painful.
Feel the emotions you are feeling and process it instead of just trying to escape with the hope of your ex coming back.
Cry it out if you need to. You are going to feel better afterwards. I promise.
How long does it take for an ex to come back?
First, know that a lot of exes don’t come back. A lot of them don’t even reach out after the breakup. It depends on a lot of factors. After all, human beings and relationships are complicated.
The exes that do come back and reconcile mostly do so within one to six months of the breakup. That’s for around 30% of people who come to this website. Out of that, around half break up again and the other half go on to lead a fulfilling relationship with their ex. This statistic is from a study conducted by us of over 3000 participants from all over the world.
Out of all the participants, 512 (that is around 15%) got back together and stayed together for more than a year. Below is a graph showing the time it took them to get back together.
How long does it take for an ex to reach out after the breakup?
Again, there is no certainty that your ex will reach out at all. Amongst the people who come to this website, around 60% of exes reach out for one reason or another if you stop chasing them, back off and give them space.
The exes who reach out (regardless of whether or not it leads to a reconciliation) can do so within a few weeks of the breakup up to a few years.
And no, not all of these reach outs lead to reconciliation. Sometimes, it’s just breadcrumbing or other forms of manipulation. And other times, it’s just a form of closure for them.
Why does it take them so long to come back?
When you are panicking and afraid of losing your ex, 1-6 months may seem like a long time. But for someone who feels relieved the breakup happened, a month will go by like nothing. Your ex wanted the breakup. Probably for a while. And you didn’t.
Imagine this – you wake up every morning, yearning for your ex. Each day feels like torture. Each thought can turn into an obsession. You miss them terribly. You keep wondering whether or not they miss you, whether they love you, what they are doing, whether or not they will come back.
In contrast, when your ex wakes up, they notice your absence in their life. But they are looking forward to the day and a life without you. They are curious what it would be like now that they have broken up with you. After all, they thought that a life without you will be better than a life with you. That’s why they decided to breakup.
Plus, they have the comfort of knowing that they can have you back if they want. This is especially true if you keep texting them, trying to convince them or act needy or desperate.
They have the possibility of a life without you + the backup of having you if they want.
They can have their cake and eat it too.
Now it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. They also have to go through the breakup grief. And they also have their unique challenges such as the guilt of putting you through so much pain and doubts if they made the right decision.
But initially, it’s easy for them because they know they can have you.
Attachment styles also sometimes come into play here. If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, they will try their best to avoid confronting their emotions for as long as possible.
It’s only when they realize that they can lose you too they start feeling the pressure and stress of the breakup.
That’s when their mind also starts panicking and wondering whether or not you will take them back if they come back.
Why do they come back and not stick to their decision?
Human beings have a complicated relationship with decision making.
For starters, when we immediately make a big decision, we want to stick to it. No matter what. We will even change our beliefs to match the decision.
This is why for some people, it’s so surprising to find out how cold their exes act towards them after the decision of the breakup.
It’s not uncommon for an ex to say things like, “I love you so much. You are my shining star. I can’t imagine a life without you.”, a few weeks before the breakup.
To saying, “I love you, but I am not in love with you. I think we both need to go our separate ways.” immediately after making the decision to break up.
The decision they have made needs to match their feelings and beliefs.
If they believe that they still love you, then it creates an internal conflict with their decision.
In psychology, it’s defined by the cognitive dissonance theory.
But love and attachment are deeply ingrained in our brains and hearts. Attachment is literally a part of ourselves. It can not go away by simply changing your thoughts and beliefs.
Try it yourself, assuming your breakup was recent, try believing that you don’t care about your ex right now. Maybe you will be able to convince yourself for a few hours. But the belief will eventually fade away for the attachment to kick in.
The same goes with your ex. Because they were looking forward to the breakup and because they have made a decision, they may be able to hold on to the belief that they don’t really love you for a little longer.
But the cognitive dissonance effect only lasts for a while. Maybe a few weeks or a few months. Attachment takes much longer to change.
Moreover, when you are deeply attached to someone, accepting that they are gone from your life and letting go of them requires grieving the relationship.
So, for a lot of exes, they eventually reach a point where they no longer feel the need to defend the decision. They feel that the breakup has already happened. They realize that they have lost you or perhaps that they may lose you soon. Especially if you haven’t contacted them in a while.
And the true feelings inside them eventually rise to the surface. The attachment they have for you starts affecting them. They start missing you and remembering all the good times.
In essence, the reason most exes come back is because they eventually feel the pain, the uncertainty, the fear, and the sadness of the breakup. And for some exes, that pain is too much and the attachment they had with you was too strong. As a result, they come trying to undo the breakup and avoid going through the pain.
Some circumstantial things can also help in the process of them coming back. Things such as –
- your ex not being able to find a suitable partner,
- they hate being single,
- they feel lonely,
- they feel guilty for hurting you,
- their friends and family remind them how great you were,
- they don’t find anyone they could connect with, etc.
What can stop them from coming back even if you gave them space and time?
Like I said before, sometimes they don’t really come back. They just power through the grief and move on.
Other times, they are too scared to reach out even if they desperately want to.
Remember, your ex is human too and they are also influenced by a lot of factors. So even if they want to come back, they may not act on it because of things such as the influence of friends and family, bad advice on the internet, grudges, anger, resentment, etc.
For example, if your ex were to go to popular forums such as Reddit and ask for advice whether or not they should reach out to you, they will most certainly be told not to.
Or if the TikTok algorithm understood they are going through a breakup, they will get thousands of TikToks every day about no contact and how it’s the best thing they can do.
Or if you said or did something that they are holding a grudge against.
Or they may never reach out out of pure ego.
Even if your relationship is worth saving and the issues could be fixed, there are a lot of things that may be out of your control.
That’s why it’s very important that you only focus on things that you can control. That’s really the core of what I teach here at Ex Back Permanently. Focus on things you can control and stop trying so much to interpret what your ex may or may not do.
When appropriate, communicate honestly and openly.
Real relationships are built on communication and honesty, not from waiting aimlessly, trying to read their minds or tricks and gimmicks.
What should I do if I feel like waiting for my ex to come back?
Be selfish. Remind yourself that you deserve better. Every time your mind wants to tell you that your ex will come back and you will take them back – remind yourself that you deserve better than someone who walks out on you.
Listen, I know you love too deeply. I know it’s hard to let go of the idea that you are both meant to be together. I know that you still see your ex as your life partner even after they’ve put you through hell.
I am not telling you to change that. I am not telling you to give up on love. And if they come back, I am not saying that you should reject them.
All I am saying is be selfish and raise your self-worth. Remind yourself that you deserve someone who chooses you. You deserve someone who doesn’t walk out on you at the first sign of trouble. You deserve someone who will be with you through thick and thin. Someone who is willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work instead of just walking out.
If your ex comes back, they need to prove to you that they can be that person for you. You deserve a healthy relationship, and maybe your ex does too.
I know that may not sound too appealing to a lot of people who want their ex back.
So here’s another way to look at this –
If you are hoping your ex will come back, then remind yourself that if your ex comes back, you need to be a better version of yourself or else they will leave again. You need to be someone who they can have a healthy relationship with.
You need to be confident, you need to have clarity, you need to have self-respect and you need to have wisdom.
Confidence in knowing that you deserve a great relationship and that you bring a lot of value to the table.
Clarity that you know a relationship with your ex is worth pursuing. You know the type of relationship you want to have. That you know your strengths and weaknesses.
Self-respect, that you won’t let anyone use you, or step over your boundaries.
And wisdom in knowing that all relationships are not meant to last. And if you and your ex are not meant to be, then you will let go of them gracefully and move on.
Achieving all that takes time and a conscious effort. And it all starts with a decision to heal from the breakup. Here’s how you do that –
1. If you have been texting your ex or desperately trying to get them back, stop immediately. Do not try to get them back. At least, not until a lot of time has passed and you have healed from the breakup. That’s the only way getting back with an ex works. That’s the only way the new relationship can be healthy.
2. Implement something called the no contact rule. It’s essentially a rule to help you stop trying to get your ex back and focus on yourself. It has multiple benefits such as, giving you a time-frame, clear instructions on what you can and cannot do, and guidelines to focus on yourself.
3. Focus on healing. Feel the emotions you are feeling. Get professional help if you need to. And realize that it will take time.
4. Become a better version of yourself. Be healthier. Eat better. Sleep better. Lift weights. Do cross-fit. Do yoga. Do whatever you need to do to be a better version of yourself.
5. Develop more confidence in yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Accept yourself for who you are. You do this by introspection, reading books, finding good role models, and spending time with loved ones.
6. Develop communication skills and relationship skills – Boundary setting, learning to listen, learning to prioritize what’s important, learning to have a growth mindset in relationships and life.
Keep doing all of the above, and you will start feeling much better in a few weeks. If you need help, we offer a free 30 days email course to help you stay on track. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.
How long should I wait for them to come back?
You really shouldn’t wait for your ex to come back if it means putting your life on hold for them and not processing the breakup. Assume that they will not come back and keep moving forward.
Remember, the words you choose to say to yourself matter. Because they shape your thinking and belief. As a result, they shape your reality.
If you want to keep some hope, hope that both of you will grow and get back together in the future. That the new relationship will be better and stronger because both of you have grown in your time apart.
That is, what I call, a “a healthy hope”. The words I’ve chosen here are healthy because it gives you something to look forward to while giving you a direction to move towards. In this instance, it’s to grow, heal and become a better version of yourself.
Compare this to the words, “I hope my ex will come back”. The words make you feel like you have nowhere to go except to just wait for them to come back. It makes it feel like nothing is in your control and you are nothing more than a doormat for your ex to come and go as they please.
And finally, if you want a time frame, then you should not continue to hope for them to come back after six months.
If at that point of time, you still feel a strong connection with them and want to see where they stand, then reach out and have a conversation. And if you feel it’s pointless to reach out, then just focus on moving on.
What should you do if your ex reaches out?
Remember that your ex may just be reaching out because they are panicking over losing you. So be cautious. It’s very common for an ex to reach out in a way that will have you interpret it as an interest in reconciliation.
And you confess your feelings and explain how you will change and you will be a better partner and you will fulfill all their needs.
Only to be met with a “No” and “Why should I believe you?”
And you start wondering, “why did you reach out if you just wanted to reject me?”
“Why did you post that Instagram story that was clearly meant for me if you just wanted to say no?”
And the answer is, they did it because they wanted you to try and get back together.
They wanted to know if they still have you as a backup. And when they become sure they can have you as a backup, they can continue cruising through the post breakup life on easy mode. This is called a breadcrumb.
So when your ex reaches out, act with self-respect and dignity. Be honest. But don’t be needy. BE COOL.
It’s okay to say, “I miss you too. The breakup has been hard. But I have been trying to accept it and move forward with my life.”
It’s not okay to say, “I miss you and still love you. I know you love me too. Please, let’s just stop this nonsense and get back together. I will do anything you want me to do.”
One is honest and the other is desperate. Understand the difference.
And if it feels like they are only doing this to manipulate you or they are indecisive – then ignore them or set clear boundaries.
For example, “I appreciate you reaching out. But I don’t think it’s healthy for me to speak to you. It gives me false hope and I am trying to accept the breakup. Please let’s not talk to each other for a few months.”
And then, continue healing.
If they show genuine remorse and are willing to make changes – consider giving them another chance.
But be very careful. And talk about everything in detail. The most important thing is to have a plan to fix the issues.
For example, one common scenario is an avoidant attached person coming back after a while. So when they come back, talk about the reasons why they left and ask them what they are going to do to address their avoidant behavior? Are they willing to go to therapy?
If they aren’t willing to take action, then it’s just talk. And like they say, it’s easy to talk the talk but not easy to walk the walk.
Unless there is some sort of actionable plan to fix the issues and you both work on that plan, the patterns will repeat themselves and your ex will leave again.
So talk about all of that before committing to them again. And even after all the talk, be very cautious until you see the walk.
Here’s something you can say if your comes back with the intention of getting back together –
“I agree that our relationship is worth saving. But I don’t want us to repeat the same patterns. I want to take things slow and fix the issues that lead to the breakup. We will even need to go to couples therapy to learn to communicate better. Are you willing to take things slow and go to couples therapy?”
What if I still want them back after healing and they don’t reach out?
The good thing about time is that it gives you perspective. And for most people, if enough time has passed, and they have done things to move forward in life, they realize that their ex is not worth their time.
They decide to completely move on.
But for some, the connection is so strong that they still want their ex back after a significant period of no contact and healing.
And that’s the type of connection that’s worth saving. That type of connection usually leads to healthy reconciliation.
Of course, there are still a lot of variables such as whether or not your ex is willing to reconnect, talk about the issues and start a new relationship.
But those are things for your ex to worry about. You should only focus on things you can control.
If you still want them after a considerable amount of time, then you should be selfish and reach out. Instead of waiting for them to take their sweet time. Just reach out and see where they are in life.
Based on how they respond, you can choose to reconnect, give them more time, or move on with your life.
But simply waiting for them without any communication and hoping they will come back is just plain disrespectful to yourself.
I know there is a lot of advice out there to just continue doing no contact. Advice like, “dumpee should never reach out” or “they always come back” or “they come back when you least expect it.”
And maybe that makes sense to some people who are too afraid of reaching out and getting hurt. But it never made sense to me.
I agree that there is a risk of getting hurt again, especially in situations such as infidelity, abuse, addiction etc. But for most cases, it makes complete sense to reach out after you’ve taken some time to heal and realize you want to still pursue your ex.
My advice is simple – if you are not panicking, if you have taken the time to heal and accept the breakup, and you still love your ex and hope for reconciliation – then reach out. Be bold.
My reasoning is even simpler – Fortune favors the bold.
Read – Whether or not, when and what to text your ex after no contact
Read – How to get your ex back permanently – 5 step plan
Read – Are you wasting your time waiting for your ex to come back Quiz
