When and Why Do Exes Come Back? Or Should I Kill The Hope and Move On?

There was a time after the breakup when people would tell me something like,

“You need to understand that your ex is not who you think they were. They are not your person. And you need to move on and find someone else. There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

And I would say to myself.

“Easy for you to say. I don’t want someone else. Even if they broke my heart. Even if they did things that make me angry. I can’t imagine myself with someone else. I’d rather be alone than be with those other fishes everyone keeps talking about.”

That’s a common sentiment amongst my clients as well. When you feel you’ve found the person you love, you can’t really let go of them easily. Even if they broke up with you. Even if they were rude to you. Even if they did things that make you angry, sad or hurt. It’s hard to imagine yourself with someone else.

As such, you hope your ex will come back. You search online and find videos and forum posts talking about exes coming back. And that gives you more hope. But deep inside, you are still skeptical.

How can those people be so sure that my ex will come back?

My ex really seems like he/she is done with me.

Are they just telling me what I want to hear to get more views?

This article will tell you what you want to hear along with what you need to hear. It won’t sugarcoat the truth, but it won’t disrespect your intense feelings for your ex either. So read along.

Do Exes Come Back?

Yes, exes do come back. And it’s okay to hope that your ex will come back as long as you are not letting this hope control or consume you, and letting it turn into an obsession.

For a lot of people, it’s even surprising to find out their exes returned to them after being so cold or angry at the time of the breakup. Sometimes, exes come back after you have given up all hope. Sometimes they come back after years.

But it doesn’t happen all the time. It only happens sometimes.

A lot of people claim that exes almost always come back, while others claim that exes rarely come back. In my experience, both these claims are extreme and are biased. One is trying to get your hopes up and the other is trying kill your hope. They both may have good intentions. But the reality falls somewhere in between.

I hate to say it, but the answer to whether or not your ex will come back is – it depends.

The potential of your ex returning depends on the reason for the breakup, the level of attachment between the both of you, the connection you both had, your relationship patterns, what happens to your ex after the breakup, and what you do after the breakup. All of these factors are somewhat interconnected with each other in many ways.

In my experience, situations where an ex is most likely to come back in a way that leads to getting back together include a feeling of unfinished business in the relationship.

If things were left unsaid, if potential of the relationship remained unexplored, if issues that could have been resolved remained unresolved, if insights about each other that could have been understood remained unknown, or if realizations that could have led to a great relationship remained unrealized – there is a high potential for them returning one way or another.

But even then, a lot of factors could stop an ex from coming back. Things such as a fear of rejection, fear of hurting you again, not being confident enough, fear of admitting their mistakes, deep rooted psychological issues that prevents them from being vulnerable, not knowing how to communicate, because of influence of friends or family, or because the culture in today’s age discourages reconciliation.

And to add some more uncertainty on top of that, when they come back or reach out, it’s not always to fix things and get back together. Sometimes, it’s just out of guilt, boredom, loneliness or to see if they still have you an option.

The things that helps the most in making an ex come back is giving each other a lot of space, treating yourself with respect, treating your ex with respect, self-improvement and when needed, communicate honestly with confidence.

In short – let them go, be mature during the separation, don’t be desperate, build yourself up, and communicate.

There have been numerous surveys, scientific studies and non-scientific studies to find out how many couples get back together. Unfortunately they could never account for the factors that led to the breakup and what happened after the breakup. This article isn’t about those surveys. But if you are interested in them, the chances are about 30% of getting back together and 15% of them staying for a long time according to our 3k+ participants study.

For this article, I wanted to give you an accurate glimpse of what happened from details of 61 people who wanted their ex back at one point of time.

Recently, we did a project where we reached out to our commenters to find out if their ex came back. We included the first 61 replies for this analysis. That’s not a huge sample but it gives more details and insights about the stories and details that surveys just can’t give accurately. You can read all of the stories with updates over here.

Well, based on this small sample of 61 people, here is how many exes returned.

1. 19% of couples got back together and are still together. Some of them even after 10 years of the original breakup. A lot of them went on to get married and have children.
2. A whopping 28% got back together and broke up again.
3. All in all, a total of 47% of this sample got back together.
4. In 62% of the cases an ex reached out. However, they were not always the first to initiate. And not all of those cases led to reconciliation.
5. 44% of the times an ex reached out didn’t lead to getting back together. Sometimes, it led to closure. While other times the commenters had already moved on by the time their ex reached out.
6. Out of the 29 people who got back together, 34% of the time an ex (who was the dumper) reached out first, 27% of the time the dumpee reached out first, and 37% of the time it was unclear who reached out first. Some of them don’t even remember because it didn’t matter to them.
7. Around 47% of exes had avoidant tendencies. 41% of avoidants reached out first to their ex. And 51% of avoidants got back together, out of which around half broke up again.

Yeah, the numbers are low. Maybe even discouraging. But here are some other numbers that you probably are not expecting.

1. 100% commenters who are not with their ex have moved on from their ex emotionally. Majority started feeling better after 3 months. The most time it took for a commenter was 2 years.
2. 61% of them are in a happier, healthier relationship.
3. 64% who got back together and broke up again are in a much better relationship.

What does all this mean?

In a nutshell, humans, relationships and breakups are complex. There is really no way to know for sure if your ex will come back because there are so many factors at play. There could be anywhere between 30% to 60% chance that they will reach out in the future. And they can reach out anytime within a week to the next 2-3 years.

When they reach out or come back, it could be just to make themselves feel better, to check how you are, because of guilt or it could be a genuine interest in reconciliation.

And there is no surefire way to know what their intention will be until they actually reach out.

Whatever happens with your ex, for whatever reason they come back, and whatever their intentions are when they come back, know this – you are going to be okay. With or without your ex. Especially if you focus on healing, learning from your mistakes and becoming the best version of yourself.

And that’s really the best way to deal with this dilemma. Focus on yourself. Focus on healing. And Treat yourself with kindness and love.

But I know you probably still want to know more about your ex. Because I also heard people telling me “Focus on healing”. But my mind still frequently wandered off to whether or not my ex will return.

So let’s explore this a little bit more and talk about situations where an ex is likely to come back and situations where an ex isn’t.

Important Notes –

• Even if they are likely to come back, there is still a big chance they won’t.
• These are my observations from the stories of my readers, clients, and from other sources on the internet.
• Expected timelines are also based on stories from readers and clients. But they can never be 100% accurate.
• We have a quiz that takes into account your demographics, your relationship, the reason for breakup and what happened after to determine your chances. You can take it here.
• The patterns are similar amongst both male and female dumpers. It’s mostly related to the relationship dynamics, the reason of the breakup and what happened during and after the breakup.

1. An Ex is likely to come back if they left because they wanted to explore their options.

This is assuming your relationship was amazing and your connection was special. And if they left because they were young and weren’t ready to settle down; they are likely to come back sooner or later. In some situations, they may have someone lined up to date. And if they start dating, they may take longer to come back.

Why They Might Come Back – The fact is, the dating market out there isn’t great unless you are very attractive. And if your emotional connection with your ex was strong, they are going to eventually find their way back to you. They come back not just because they realize that it’s not easy out there, they also come back when they realize how important you were to them and how much potential the relationship had.

Exceptions – If your ex wasn’t emotionally attached to you, if it was a situationship or if the relationship had other issues such as a lot of fighting, insecurity, toxicity. Another exception is if your ex is attractive and has a lot of options in the dating market. But regardless of their options or the fighting, if you brought something to the table that other didn’t and if their was a strong connection, you still have a chance.

Precautions – Your ex leaving you to explore other options is a selfish act. And for a lot of people that’s hard to get over. If you are not okay with the way they left, talk about it before getting back together. Communicate your feelings honestly and openly even if it means not getting back together. It’s better than staying in a relationship with regrets and grudges. In addition, if you wait for your ex while they are exploring other options, it’s going to build resentment inside you. So don’t wait for them and keep moving on yourself.

Expected Timeline – They can reach out anywhere between 2 weeks to 1 year. The sooner they reach out, the better your chances of a healthy reconciliation. The longer they take, the more likely you will build resentment for them or move on from them.

(Example stories from commenters – di, ann, sana)

2. An ex is likely to come back or reach out if you both fought a lot and had a lot of communication issues

Again, assuming you both seemed to love each other a lot. And the connection was special. If you give your ex space after the breakup (by doing the no contact rule) and follow the guide, they are likely to reach out sooner or later.

Why They Might Come Back – When you give each other space, the anger subsides. Eventually. It may be followed by stubbornness, being upset, anxiety, sometimes manipulation and maybe even waiting for you to apologize. But if you don’t react, they eventually regret and reach out. Because in such breakups, a lot of things that needed to be said and heard remained unsaid and unheard. Our minds tend to not let go of unfinished business. As a result, they feel an urge to say those things so you can hear them.

Precautions – Your ex may be reaching out expecting you to react the same way you did earlier. With emotions, drama, or anger. Don’t react. Instead, try to communicate with confidence in a healthy manner. If you don’t know how to, consider asking for more space and read our guide on getting an ex back.

Expected Timeline – They are most likely to reach out within 3 months if you give them space and time. But if there are external factors influencing them, such as family or friends, they may take longer or never reach out.

(Example stories from commenters – Felice, Victoria, Jack)

3. An ex is likely to come back if they broke up because they didn’t know what they want (Or weren’t ready to commit)

People go through different phases in life. Sometimes, they don’t expect to find love and when they find it unexpectedly, they feel lost and confused. Sometimes, they let go of a great relationship because of what they are going through.

Why They Come Back – Assuming they also felt the same way about your relationship being special, they will eventually realize that a great relationship is worth holding on to. When they get enough space to think things through and process whatever is going on in their life; they can realize it’s worth it.

Precautions – A lot of people confuse love bombing, a trauma bond, or the honeymoon phase of a relationship as a special relationship. When I talk about a great relationship here, I am talking about a connection where you both understand each other and communicate with each other honestly. You feel chemistry, understood and appreciated. As compared to a trauma bond where you may feel attached with your partner, but not feel understood or appreciated.

Expected Timeline – I’ve seen stories of exes coming back as soon as 2 weeks into the breakup to 6 months. When they will return depends on a lot of factors that is just very hard to predict. Moreover, if they realize that they don’t want you in their life or are afraid of hurting you, they may never reach out. This is again a case where it’s better to not wait for an ex and if you still want them back after a few months, reach out yourself and communicate honestly.

(Example Stories from Community – Beth, David, Laura)

4. Your ex may come back if they blamed you for everything

I know it doesn’t make sense on the surface. Why would my ex come back if they thought I was the main problem in the relationship? But it happens a lot. Not always. But a lot. I’ve seen it in many cases. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always lead to a reconciliation story worth telling. In the following explanation, I assume that your ex was equally responsible for the breakup and even if you made mistakes, you weren’t solely responsible for all the problems in the relationship.

Why They Come Back – When your ex blames you for everything, it’s usually a sign of immaturity and not taking responsibility. They have a victim mindset and after the breakup, they continue having the victim mindset. If you keep contacting them trying to get them back, their mindset gets reinforced and they continue blaming you. It takes a toll on your self-esteem and you also start blaming yourself.

But when you stop contacting them and their is a long period of absence, they don’t have anyone to validate their victim mindset with. Which leaves them with two options – Either own up to it and accept where they screwed up or reach out to you hoping you will make them feel wanted again and validate their feelings.

Precautions – Your ex may come back with the same mindset, hoping you will take all the responsibility for the breakup. They may even want to reconcile. But they will repeat the same patterns unless they own up to their mistakes and take action to rectify it. You can change all you want, but they will keep blaming you and find other reasons to leave again.

Expected Timeline – In most cases, it takes up to 30 days of no contact for such an ex to start missing you. If they find another relationship quickly, it may take longer. And again, they may never reach out.

(Example Stories from Community – Tina )

5. Your ex may come back after a long time if they were avoidant

An avoidant attached person tends to be emotionally distant, self-reliant, and uncomfortable with closeness or vulnerability in relationships. They often avoid deep emotional intimacy and may suppress their own needs or feelings to maintain independence and prevent dependency on others.

Why They Come Back – A lot of people have noticed a pattern of avoidant exes coming back. The only catch is they come back after a long time and most of the time, don’t take any responsibility for the way they left. There are also some other psychological traits that maybe at work here such Narcissism or having a victim mindset. But speaking purely of an avoidant, they want intimacy and love as much as anyone else. So if you give them space, they may start missing the good parts of the relationship and reach out.

Precautions – Avoidant people often take longer to reach out simply because they like to avoid confrontations and vulnerability. Reaching out is an act of being vulnerable and there is a lot of uncertainty. So even if they miss you, they may not reach out for a long time. I usually advice my clients to reach out to their avoidant ex after giving them enough space and preparing yourself for all the outcomes. As long as you are confident and communicating honestly, it usually leads to a good conversation with your ex that may lead to getting back together or realizing that it was never meant to be.

Expected Timeline – If you give them space, a dismissive avoidant can easily take more than 3 months to reach out. And when they do, they may act like nothing even happened with a feeler text such as “How have you been?”. Waiting for an avoidant attached person can be frustrating and painful. Like I said above, I advice my clients to reach out and lead the conversation while respecting their need for space and taking things slowly. It’s just an overall better strategy.

(Example stories from community – Kim, Laura, Ana )

6. Your Ex May Reach Out If the breakup happened because Needs Weren’t being Met (But Love Was There)

A lot of breakups happened because someone’s need weren’t being fulfilled. Even though both you and your ex may have loved each other, this became an issue.

For example, maybe your ex wasn’t available for you when you needed them, maybe your ex needed you to communicate more and you couldn’t, maybe your ex wanted you to be emotionally available but you couldn’t because of your issues, maybe your ex thought you weren’t being responsible enough (or man enough), or they thought you weren’t respecting them enough in the relationship.

Why They Come Back – An ex may eventually return to see if anything has changed since the breakup. Needs not being met in a relationship is an issue that can be fixed with introspection, taking action and making an effort to resolve the underlying causes. They also wish for the breakup to be temporary and get back in a healthy relationship. So they eventually reach out to see if anything changed.

Precautions – There are issues which may seem small on the surface but run deep. For example, some people find it very hard to open, be vulnerable and communicate in a relationship. They sometimes need to work a lot on their issues before they can learn to do that. Sometimes, an ex will come back and promise that whatever the issues were, they will work on it. But when you get back together, they start repeating the same patterns all over again.

Expected Timeline – In my experience, such exes take longer than one month to reach out. But if they haven’t reached out within six months, then there is very little chance they will.

(Example Stories from Community – yoyo’s ex, john Sykes, Danielle)

7. Your ex will likely come back if they controlled you

Did it feel like you were walking on eggshells around your ex? That any minor thing can piss them off and you will have to damage control? Did you change your entire life just to fit your ex’s demands while they did little to accommodate your needs?

Congrats! Your ex controlled you in ways you didn’t realize it. And there’s a good chance they will come back again to control you even more.

That was sarcasm. But the real thing to celebrate here is that the breakup happened and you have an opportunity to reflect and recognize that you deserve a healthy and loving relationship.

Why They Come Back – They come back simply because they know they can control you. They may find someone else to control for a while but when they get tired of that other relationship, they may come back to you because they know they have power over you. On the other hand, if you stop contacting them, being needy or desperate, they may come back just to see if they still have power over you. Such exes usually have traits of Narcissism and your relationship may have traits of Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.

Precautions – It goes without saying that you need to be extremely cautious over here. Being in such a relationship takes a toll on your self-esteem and you start blaming yourself for everything. So when they come back, don’t let them reel you in the same old patterns. You deserve better than a relationship where you live only to please your partner. Love doesn’t have to be exhausting. On the contrary, healthy love can be exhilarating and liberating. And you deserve something like that. Especially if you are a kind person who gives a lot in relationships.

Expected Timeline – It can be anywhere between 1 month and 1 year. Chances of them reaching out after that are less. But in some cases, such exes come back after years. It’s best to not wait for them and continue moving on.

(Example Stories From Community – Tiease, lindsay, Pam)

8. They may come back if they Lost Attraction For You Due To Your Insecurity or Neediness or Bad Communication

I know what you are thinking. If my ex stopped feeling attracted to me, why will they return? Yet, a lot of exes do tend to come back or reach out in such situations. Crazy? I know. But there’s a reason for that.

Why They Come Back – Your ex was attracted to you when you both started dating. And probably are still attracted to you. It’s just that the neediness/insecurity overshadowed the parts they were attracted to. When you give them space, start no contact and focus on living your life, the dynamics change significantly. It gives them time to remember the things about you they found attractive.

Precautions – The above explanation is simple, but in reality, relationships have a lot more going on. Was your insecurity/neediness purely because of your issues or was your ex responsible for making you feel that way? Yeah, I’ve seen TikTok reels saying you are the only responsible for the way you feel. But when you are in a relationship with someone, it’s not so black and white. They could have been doing things that triggered your insecurity and caused you to act that way. So when they reach out or come back, you must learn to communicate openly and honestly and gauge how they reciprocate. Unless they also make an effort, it’s eventually going to trigger your insecurity no matter how much you try to be calm.

Expected Timeline – If insecurity and neediness was the only reason, then your ex is very likely to come back within 2 months. However, they will be very skeptical when they reach out and if you are still needy, they will be turned off. And if they were the one triggering your insecurity, then they may do it again when they reach out.

Example Stories from Community – Ana, Rob, john Sykes

9. If they ghosted you or blindsided you without explanation, expect them to come back after a very long time

Blindsided breakups where an ex doesn’t even try to provide an explanation are some of the hardest to get over. It’s because there isn’t even an ounce of closure. Especially if you felt the relationship had so much potential. There’s so much psychology into it that it’s hard to explain. If they blindsided you, there is a chance they will reach out eventually. Unfortunately, they usually don’t reach out for a long time, and when they do, it rarely ever gives you the apology or closure you were looking for.

Why They Come Back – In most cases after blindsiding, an ex may reach out because of guilt. They eventually realize that they caused a lot of hurt and reach out with an explanation. But they must be the type of person who can feel guilt. Still, some people who blindside you have so much shame within themselves that they never reach out. While others are just psychopaths with no care in the world for how much hurt they’ve caused to others.

Precautions – If they reach out, it could be to provide you an explanation and give you closure. Or it could be an attempt to get you back. Whatever it is, understand that they are the type of person who could leave you without any real explanation and didn’t even try to make the relationship work or resolve the issues. They may even have the victim mindset or try to blame everything on you. They may even try to love-bomb you when they come back. So it’s important to educate yourself on toxic traits, narcissistic cycle of abuse and attachment style so you have a better understanding of relationship dynamics. And of course, learn to communicate and set healthy boundaries.

Exceptions – Note that I am talking about blindsided breakups without any reason, logic or explanation. Sometimes you may feel blindsided by the breakup but when you think about the relationship or your ex’s point of view, it makes sense. In a true blindsided breakup, you will have no idea of what went wrong and your ex’s reasons will make no sense no matter how much you try.

Expected Timeline – It usually takes such an ex more than six months to reach out. Sometimes, they reach out after years. Understand that they are broken people with a lot of psychological issues and it’s hard to predict when they will realize it. So don’t keep your hopes up.

(Example Stories From Community – Ben, leen )

10. Your Ex Will Most Likely Come Back If Your Relationship Moved Too Fast and Crashed

Essentially, when you find someone you connect with on a deep emotional level, then you both can make the mistake of moving too fast in the relationship without truly getting to know each other and without building enough trust or understanding. Things get especially hard if you both don’t have enough space in the relationship. For example, if you move in together too soon.

Why They Come Back – They come back because they simply feel an unexplored potential with the relationship. If the connection was special, they will feel that their is more to your love story. And they may reach out eventually.

Precautions and Exceptions – It’s important to understand the difference between love bombing and intense connection. Love bombing is usually someone trying to manipulate you by saying all the right things and giving you too much attention just to win you over. In a way, they are preying to the part of you that’s broken and seeks validation and love.

The difference between love bombing (manipulative) and intense relationship with genuine connection is that when a manipulative relationship ends, you will feel discarded. It will not make sense and it will feel like your ex was just using you. But when a relationship with a genuine connection ends, you will both feel the pain, maybe cry a lot and it will be obvious that your ex is also hurt.

Expected Timeline – In such situations, if it was a genuine connection, expect your ex to reach out within 3 months. If they don’t, I recommend you reach out to them in 2-3 months period just to make sure you are leaving no stones unturned. If they don’t reciprocate or if there is no progress in six months, then your relationship was probably not as special as you thought.

(Example Stories from Community – Nat, Amy)

The best way to find out your chances of getting your ex back is by taking our quiz which is based on data of thousands of such stories.

Other Common Situations and Their Impact on Your Ex Coming Back

While a lot of situations will fall to one of the categories above. Relationships are complicated. Here are some more patterns I’ve noticed

• If your ex gets in another relationship quickly after the breakup, it’s usually a rebound relationship. And when it ends or when the novelty wears off, they are likely to reach out to you. This happens because they are trying to force themselves to move on quickly which prevents them from processing the breakup. Note that it doesn’t always happen and when they reach out it doesn’t always leads to reconciliation.
• If your ex has left you before and came back, they are more likely to come back again. This falls into several of the categories above. They know they can control you or manipulate you, they know they can blame you for everything and they know you will take them back. Don’t repeat the same unhealthy patterns. Communicate better. Set boundaries and aim to build a healthy relationship. If they don’t want a healthy relationship, let them go. While rare, on-off relationships can turn into a healthy long term relationship if one of the party sets clear boundaries, realizes their self-worth and communicates properly.
• Some situations may fall into more than one category above. But it doesn’t increase the chances of your ex returning. A lot of exes never return even if they fall into the above categories. And remember, them reaching out is not always with the intention of fixing things and getting back together.
• I didn’t find any conclusive correlation with an ex blocking you and them coming back. This means they can come back or reach out even if they blocked you. But them blocking you doesn’t necessarily increase their chances of coming back and neither does it decrease it.
• I also didn’t find a correlation between being good or loyal to your ex and them returning. It’s also not logical. Being a good person or being loyal is just the basics of being in a relationship. The next person they find may also be good and loyal. Moreover, the way you perceive good vs the way they perceive good may be very different.

Situations Where Your Ex is Least Likely To Come Back

I’ve seen exes returning even in seemingly impossible situations. But here are some common ones where they don’t return. Or even if they do reach out, it’s not with the intention of getting back together.

1. If they tried hard to make it work for a long time – Some people don’t give up on relationships and love easily. They try their damnedest to make it work. Sometimes for years. And if it still doesn’t work, they let go and move on. Never to look back.

2. They grew out of the relationship – This is different from them losing attraction for you. It’s when you were with each other for a long time and you both ignored the relationship for a long time. You haven’t felt the “spark” with each other in a while. They may have been finding themselves attracted to other people and maybe even have someone in mind before they left.

3. Your ex was cruel to you – If an ex, at the time of breakup, suddenly became cruel, painted you as a horrible person in front of their friends and family, and just treated you like you meant nothing to them; then chances of them reaching out again are less. This is assuming you weren’t cruel and weren’t a horrible person and they didn’t say any of these things while in the relationship. The reason they don’t want to return is because it’s hard to own up to the lies and cruelty after taking it to such extremes. It’s easier for them to just ignore what they did and leave you to deal with the aftermath. It sucks. But if they were cruel to you, then you deserve better.

4. They never really formed an emotional connection – Very common with situationships or FWB situations. You develop strong feelings and they don’t. As a result, when the breakup happens, they don’t feel the same effects as you. They don’t go through grief the same way they did. They simply move on to the next situationship. The only lesson you can learn from this is that situationships are not very healthy and you are better off trying to build a relationship instead of wasting your time on a shallow one.

But the question still remains, should you keep hoping that your ex will come back?

Understanding the hope of an ex coming back

Breakups are one of the most painful events of our lives. For a lot of people, the pain is debilitating, as if there is a black hole in the stomach, which is sucking in all the happiness and joy out of you.

Breakups usually come with an intense desire to reach out to your ex, to talk things out, to fix all the issues and get back together. But a lot of the times, that doesn’t work. In fact, it usually leads to begging, neediness and pushing your ex even further away.

As a result, all we are left to do is let the ex go and hope they will return. The hope feels like a ray of sunlight in the pit of darkness after the breakup.

The hope of your ex returning can make you feel better. Make you feel like that this pain is temporary. That this breakup is temporary.

Because the thought of losing your ex forever is much more painful than the thought of losing your ex only for a few months.

It’s especially true if you feel like your ex was the one for you. That they were your person. When you can’t imagine yourself with anyone other than your ex.

In essence, the hope of wanting your ex to come back is natural. It gives you peace and something to look forward to when you are in the trenches fighting for your sanity and looking for anything to hold on to.

The hope of your ex coming back gives you something to hold on to when it all seems lost. Not just something. The only thing you want after you’ve lost the person you loved the most. Your ex.

How To Use the hope of your ex coming back to your advantage?

There is no real way to know if your ex will come back for sure. There are people claiming and sharing their experience all over the internet. Heck, even we have a quiz that will tell your chances based on the data of thousands of people who come to our website. And the situations above will give you a decent idea but even for the most likely situation, there’ still a chance your ex will not return.

So it’s all just speculation.

However, giving yourself hope that they will come back can be used to your benefit.

It’s kind of like a child who hopes to become an astronaut. Sure the chances of becoming an astronaut are very rare. But the child can use that hope to get up every morning and give their best in their studies, their extracurricular and developing their social skills. They may not become an astronaut, but the action that came because of that hope will help that child regardless and lead them to a fulfilling life.

Think of the hope of your ex coming back the same way (although chances of your ex returning are much more than that of you becoming an astronaut).

Use that as motivation to get up in the morning and do your best to be a better person.

Someone who doesn’t make the same mistakes they made in the past.

Someone who learned from their mistakes and are actively trying to become a better version of themselves.

Someone who isn’t miserable without their ex.

Someone who has a purpose, an active social life, family and friends who love them, who has self-awareness, and someone who is healthy – both physically and emotionally.

Use that hope so in case your ex comes back, you are ready to receive them and create a healthy relationship that lasts for a long time.

In case your ex comes back and wants to use you or manipulate you, you are ready to set clear boundaries and show them that you are strong and deserve better.

And in case your ex doesn’t come back, you either chose to reach out to them or move on from them knowing that there are better things out there than your ex.

How To Be the best version of yourself in case your ex does come back? (And increase the chances of getting back together in a healthy relationship.)

For starters, stop texting them, calling them, stalking them on their social media, or begging them to come back. The more you try, the more you are losing respect in their eyes.

Instead, start the no contact rule and focus on becoming a better version of yourself. I wrote more about it in this article on getting your ex back and this article on no contact.

But the gist of it is –

1. Focus on Self-Care and Self-Love – Eat on time. Sleep on time. Exercise once a day. Get a massage when you can. Spend time with friends and family. Lean on your support system. Take care of yourself like you would take care of a loved on in need.

2. Work on your self-esteem, communication issues, and confidence – Become a better version of yourself. Become someone who loves themselves and who knows they deserve a healthy relationship. Become someone who has the strength to “say no” when needed. Even if it is to your ex.

3. Develop New Hobbies and Purpose – Instead of making your ex the center of your life, spend time exploring new hobbies, passions and purpose. Spend time doing things you always wanted to do but never had the time. Learn coding, learn the piano, make music, start playing ultimate frisbie or anything you find interesting.

4. Heal From The Breakup – While the above activities will help you rediscover yourself. Sometimes you need to ask yourself the right questions to understand the relationship, the breakup and what happened. Doing so can give you clarity and great insights into your relationship and your ex.

One of the fastest way to heal from the breakup and reach a point where you are ready to receive your ex is doing our Advanced Healing Worksheets course that comes with our paid course. Check it out here.

Signs the hope is turning into hopium – an addiction, unnecessary suffering and regret. (Risks associated with hope)

The hope of your ex coming back can also become addictive. Like a double edged sword – it can stop you from accepting the breakup, understanding the true nature of your relationship, healing from the breakup, growing as a person or moving on.

In short, the hope of your ex coming back can prevent you from being in a healthy relationship. With or without your ex.

So how do you know if the hope of your ex coming back is affecting you negatively?

1. You find yourself craving videos of an ex coming back – Algorithms of video platforms such as TikTok, YouTube, Instagram etc. are designed to do one thing – to keep you watching more videos. They reward video creators who create addictive content. As a result, a lot of creators keep creating content that gives you that dopamine hit of your ex coming back. Some of them are ex back coaches while others are Tarot Card readers. They convince you that it’s only a matter of time before your ex returns. You feel good about yourself for a while. Until you feel anxious again and the grief sets in. So you seek out more videos. And the cycle keeps on repeating. The algorithm keeps you hooked.

Those videos can be helpful in the initial stages if you are extremely sad. But eventually, you need to stop watching them and focus on yourself.

If you feel an unhealthy addiction to these videos, you just need to stop watching these videos. Every time they pop up on your feed, tell the platform to not show you these videos by clicking on the three dots next to them.

As opposed to those videos, our email course is designed to give you that dopamine hit along with a dose of reality to manage your expectations and move you in the right direction (towards healing and recovery). So if you feel the need to watch those videos, subscribe to our emails. They are better and healthier and easier to unsubscribe from. Our subscribers usually make progress faster because our emails teach the right mindset and managing expectations. Plus, reading these short emails is a lot less time consuming than watching those reels.

2. You have not made any progress in months – Generally, people start making progress in their healing journey within 3 months of the breakup. While you may still love your ex or want them back, you will have a healthier perspective on things and would probably be feeling generally better.

But even if after months you feel like crying every day and just keep hoping your ex will text you, then something is amiss. If every time there is a notification on your phone, you hope it’s your ex only to be disappointed, then your strategy of managing hope and healing from the breakup needs to change. See below for strategies.

3. You keep avoiding acceptance – Whenever someone tells you that your ex may not come back, you ignore them. You convince yourself that the breakup is temporary. And it’s only a matter of time. You refuse to accept the breakup and you refuse to listen to anyone who says otherwise. You find yourself attracted to things like manifestation, spells, tarot cards etc. Things that aren’t very logical but provide you hope. (Note: I am not against manifestations. But you can’t manifest a specific person back. You can, however, manifest love, wealth and happiness.)

4. Seeing other stories start to hurt or lead to self-criticism – After enough time has passed, and if your ex still hasn’t come back, seeing stories or videos of people’s exes coming back will start to trigger you.

You may eventually start thinking, “Why does everyone else’s ex comes back and not mine?”. “Is there something wrong with me?”. “Was I really a terrible person?”.

If that happens, remember, your ex coming back depends on so many factor. Not everyone shares their stories online. And not everyone’s ex comes back. People love sharing stories online but it can be more harmful than helpful to others going through a tough breakup. And again, a lot of people sharing those stories don’t really share what happens after. Because a lot of time, they repeat the same patterns and breakup again.

5. You overanalyze everything about your ex – You may overthink and overanalyze everything about your ex. Trying to figure out when and if they will come back. You may start overanalyzing their psychology, their attachment style, their behavior, or their habits. And then this overthinking also seeps into any indirect communication you may have had from your ex, such as their socials, their status on whatsapp, insta etc, or what they said or may not have said to common friends.

The overanalyzing, in most cases, is meaningless and in vain. Because the only person who truly knows what your ex is going through is your ex. They may not even share it with their close friends because it’s hard to truly be vulnerable in today’s age with so much cultural norms and pressures. For example, even if they miss you and want to reach out, they may have pressure from friends and family to stick to the breakup.

And again, the trusted content creators on video sharing platform come in with more addictive content to make you overanalyze even more. They will post videos such as stages of dumpers regret, or what your ex will go through before coming back etc. to keep you hooked to their content. The algorithm rewards them. You get some dopamine hit thinking you’ve solved a puzzle. But in the end, make no progress at all towards healing or getting back together. The solution to this is my approach for managing this hope that I will share below.

Should You Kill Hope and Stop Waiting For Your Ex? – 3 Ways People Manage the hope of their ex coming back.

The hope of your ex coming back is going to exist in your heart and your mind. I’ve seen my readers and clients use these three strategies to manage it.

1. Kill The Hope Forcefully – Some people just prefer to not have any hope at all. So they keep reminding themselves that their is no hope of reconciliation. That even if their ex comes back, they will not change or accept their mistakes. They convince themselves that the hope is only going to stop them from moving on. So they keep reminding themselves of the negatives in the relationship and their ex. They also often surround themselves with people going through a breakup to remind them how terrible their ex was or hang out in forums where everyone has the same mindset about their ex.

Pros: This method works for a lot of people and it’s simple to follow. Just don’t have any hope. By doing this, you are facing grief head on.

Cons: One disadvantage of this method is that it’s putting yourself through a lot of emotional pain. Not everyone is built for this type of pain. And in my experience, it’s not always necessary.

Another disadvantage of this method is that it can lead you to villainize your ex, get mad at them and maybe even hate them. For a lot of people, that anger is actually healthy. Especially if your ex was truly a terrible person. Anger is actually a part of grief. But focusing too much on the anger and turning it into hatred can be unhealthy over a long period of time.

It may even lead you to generalize, put your ex in a category and hate that category of people altogether. For example, if your ex had an avoidant personality, it may make you hate all avoidants.

Sometimes, you can generalize your ex’s gender and start distrusting everyone. For example, some people, after a tough breakup, come to the conclusion that “Women are never faithful” or “Men can not be trusted.”

In short, it can make you sour and bitter. And you may eventually find yourself in forums full of sour and bitter people. For example, One reddit user said this.

“Reading everyone’s stories day in/day out would certainly sour you on your own relationship. Or simply make you paranoid about your own partner.

I’m currently still dating my almost breakup partner, but it hasn’t been easy and I still have doubts. I try to help where I can, but if I were here every day, my relationship would absolutely suffer.”

Needless to say, it’s not healthy to do that. You want to come out of this breakup (or get your ex back) still believing in love and hope to have a fulfilling relationship one day. If you choose to follow this method, be wary of the mindset that paints all men, women, anxious or avoidant people as the bad person. People are complicated and it’s better to give them and yourself a chance to be loved again.

2. Keep Your Hope to a Minimum and don’t have expectations – The second method people use is to not have any expectations of your ex returning. When you get up in the morning, just remind yourself that your ex will not return. Remind yourself that if they do return, it will be a pleasant surprise. And if they don’t, at least you won’t be disappointed by the end of the day.

Pros: This is a reasonable approach as it’s not very harsh on the psyche of a person going through a breakup. This also prevents you from getting addicted to the idea of your ex returning.

Cons: While you may still have hope of them coming back or reaching out, it can make it seem like you don’t have any control over the outcome. In situations where you have a feeling that there is unfinished business, a part of you may always keep hoping your ex will return even after you have tried your best to move on from them. For example, suppose you were insecure in the relationship, and you have worked on your self-esteem and learned to communicate better. A part of you may feel like you and your ex can work out if you try again. But since everyone tells you to move on, you try your best but secretly keep hoping because you feel there is more to the story of you and your ex.

3. Focus on Things You Can Control (Most Recommended)- This is my advice and something that has worked for a lot of my clients. In this, you completely replace the uncertainty of your ex coming back with the certainty that you will reach out if need be. Of course, there is still the uncertainty whether or not they will be receptive or have changed enough for a healthy relationship. But since that is not in your control, you don’t focus on that. You focus on what you can control. That is your growth, healing, and self-reflection. And if you feel like you and your ex stand a chance after giving them enough space, you reach out and put your best foot forward.

With this strategy, whenever you hope that your ex will reach out to you, you remind yourself that it doesn’t matter. Because once you are ready (have healed enough, are confident, and worked on yourself), you will reach out. So instead of focusing on something you can’t control, you focus on what you can. That is, building yourself up and becoming a better version of yourself.

Pros – Following this strategy teaches you to be true to yourself and communicate honestly and openly. If you want to try to get your ex back after taking some time to think about things, you take your shot. You do it with confidence. In short, my recommended strategy is to focus on yourself, fix the issues that led to the breakup, learn to communicate better, work on your self-esteem, and then put your best foot forward in trying to get them back.

If it works – you got a healthy relationship with the love your life.

If it doesn’t – you know you tried your best and it wasn’t meant to be. No regrets.

Cons – Following this strategy can lead you to obsess over what you should say to your ex, when is the ideal time to reach out, or how to handle situations once you and your ex are talking again. My advice is usually to just be yourself and try your best to communicate honestly without being needy. And only do it once you are emotionally ready to accept whatever happens. But more detailed advice can be found in this article, and our advanced course.

What To Expect As You Deploy These Strategies

Ideally, as you start implementing these strategies, you will focus less on your ex and more on yourself. You will build a life for yourself without your ex and regain your identity. Eventually, you will stop focusing on them so much and won’t care if they will reach out. And if you decide to follow my recommended strategy, you may even choose to reach out and make an attempt to communicate and reconcile.

It’s mostly a win-win. The only way you lose is if you get trapped in the “My ex will come back for sure” mindset that those video platform’s algorithm promote or if you give up on love and start feeling that people are horrible. But even then, you will eventually snap out of it. The most you have to lose is time. And everyone heals at their own pace. In my experience, my recommended strategy is the fastest way to heal (and consequently, fastest way to get your ex back in a healthy relationship).

Should You Reach Out First To Your Ex?

In my experience, it’s okay to reach out to an ex whenever you are ready. This is what happened to Ana who reached out with honesty and started talking to an ex. She got him back. But because her and her ex were incompatible, it didn’t work out. She eventually moved on to a better relationship.

If she never reached out, her ex (who was probably an avoidant) would have never reached out to her. She would have kept waiting for him. And as a result, when the opportunity for a new relationship arose, she wouldn’t entertain it or sabotage it because of her feelings for her ex. She says,

“My ex and I did end up getting back together for a short period but we ultimately ended for good a short time later.

This was a good result for me though as I now have the most wonderful partner who has been alongside me who treats me in the way I have always longed for.

Our relationship is one that I have always dreamt of and based on a mutual respect and deep love for one another and I am truly happy and secure.”

Getting him back gave her the closure she needed. Knowing that her ex was never meant to be.

But that’s not always the case, a lot of my coaching clients do get back together after reaching out and stay together. Case in point, Hannah, who reached out with the mindset that the breakup has already happened and she just wanted to support her ex through a tough situation. Turns out, they were right for each other and got married later on.

She says on our TrustPilot Page,

“It wasn’t until after I stopped crying and calling and texting my ex for him to start wondering where I went. After some time, I reached out to tell him that I was there for him no matter what (and I genuinely was ready to accept the break-up at this point). It wasn’t until I was level-headed and in a better place emotionally that we were able to reconnect and, at that point, he was missing me so much that the clarity came around and he asked to get back together. We broke up in February and got back together two months later.”

But again, there are cases where things don’t go as expected. But whatever happens, know that if you have the right mindset and you put your self-respect above everything else, you are going to be fine.

Further Readings:

What To Text Your Ex and When

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan