James: So she broke up with me over a week ago and has since blocked me. I begged her not to do this but she still went cold and blocked me. But I still know her schedule and I was thinking of making a grand romantic gesture just to show her how much I love her and how much work I am willing to put in for her.
My plan is to start the day by sending her flowers in the morning (Daisies are her favorite.) with no card attached. And I know she will go for the gym in afternoon, so when she returns, there will be a gift basket full of her favorite healthy snacks and protein bars (again no cards so she can wonder who sent it), and I know she is going for a movie with her friends in the evening, so by the time she returns, I would be outside her house with a necklace she wanted along with an apology letter for everything I did wrong.
I know it may sound too much but I think she would love this and it will melt her heart. She always cried in romcoms whenever there was a romantic gesture. So I really think it will work.
Kevin: James, I know you feel like if you do the right things in a specific order, you can crack the code of your ex’s emotions and make her love you again. But unfortunately, breakups are REAL and romcoms, unfortunately, are Hollywood fantasies. It’s a dream that they sell us.
Grand romantic gestures work while you are in a relationship. Sometimes, they can also work while you are both having a fight. Although, I much prefer my clients to talk through their disagreements instead of sweeping it under a rug using a grand romantic gesture.
But a breakup is a completely different thing. It’s your ex making a decision to leave you and not be in their life. So when you make a grand romantic gesture, it will only make your ex feel like you don’t respect their decision.
It will make them feel like you are pressuring them into being with you. It will make them feel like you are trying to guilt trip them. Like you are trying to influence their friends or family. Like you are trying to manipulate them.
Romantic gestures are for romantic partners. Not for ex romantic partners.
Romantic gestures are to celebrate an anniversary, not to undo a breakup.
And when you are making a romantic gesture for your ex, it just shows that you still think of them as a romantic partner when they clearly do not. As such, it gives the impression that you are in denial of this breakup. And that, in itself, is unattractive.
Grand romantic gestures are right there along with begging and acting needy as the thing that is most unattractive after a breakup and that will push your ex away.
And lastly, there is always subtle manipulation involved with romantic gestures. You are indirectly saying to your ex, “I went through so much trouble to make this romantic gesture for you. Don’t you think you should give me another chance?”
A grand romantic gesture can be seen as a transactional gesture by your ex. And in most cases, that’s what your mind is also hoping. I do this for my ex. In return, they will do this for me.
While it can be argued relationships are transactional, it doesn’t work that way after a breakup. Especially because your ex has decided not to have a relationship with you (be it romantic or transactional). And you just can’t convince them by doing them favors with the hope of them returning it.
Your ex is not just angry. They have made a decision.
It’s again important to understand that your ex has made a decision to breakup. And if they have thought about this decision a lot and have already told everyone about this decision, then a grand romantic gesture is not going to change this decision.
This is because when we make a major decision, we try our best to stick to it. Because if we don’t stick to our decision, we will look crazy to the world and to ourselves. In psychology, this is explained by the cognitive dissonance theory.
This is another reason why your ex will not fee like they owe you another chance if you do a romantic gesture. Giving you another chance and going back on their decision is a huge psychological decision. And no matter how grand your gesture is, in their mind, it still feels short because you are asking them to give up their pride in return.
What should I do then if I want my ex back and don’t want to lose them?
Now I understand you may really love your ex and you may still want them back. But the best thing you can do right now is nothing. By doing nothing you are showing your ex that you respect their decision. And as such, your ex will not feel a need to defend their decision.
This will give both you and your ex time to heal and really think whether or not a breakup is the right decision. If it isn’t, then you both can choose to reconnect and talk things through.
I talk more about it in my article on getting your ex back or getting your ex girlfriend back.
What Type of Gesture can I do to get my ex back?
Relationships that last are built on respect. Respect for oneself and respect for their partner. And keeping that in mind, the biggest gesture you can make for your ex is to show them respect.
And that means respecting their decision to break up. For most people, it means implementing something called the no contact rule and giving your ex a lot of space and time.
The second biggest gesture you can make for your ex is to focus on the issues that broke you both apart. If you were needy, desperate, jealous or insecure; then buying them gifts isn’t going to solve those issues.
Instead, if you focus on introspection, trying to increase your self-worth, becoming a better person and learning to communicate better – it’s going to make a lot of difference if you two do get back together.
It’s not so much about convincing your ex to take you back, it’s more about becoming someone your ex would want to be with.
It’s not about making your ex fall in love with you, it’s about respecting the love you both had and making an effort to fix things that killed that love.
And again, I talk about this in detail in my article on getting your ex back. Seriously, go ahead and read it.
Also, take this quiz to find out your chances of getting them back. It’s very insightful.
Lastly, James, like many others, decided to go ahead with his romantic gesture plan anyway despite me asking him not to. Here’s his update.
James: Well, I know you said not to but I decided to go ahead with my plan anyway. My thought process was that even if it doesn’t work, at least she will know I am sorry and it might change her mind in the future. So by the time she came back from the movies, I think she was expecting me to be there. She wasn’t surprised. She said she knew I was the one who sent her the flowers and the gift basket. But she just can’t get back with me.
I then gave her the necklace and I could see her eyes tear up. I think she was conflicted. And I asked her if she would take me back. But then her face stiffened up and she said she can’t. That she can’t trust me anymore and that she really appreciates the gesture but she has made up her mind. She returned the necklace saying it will be wrong to accept it.
A part of me was expecting this and so I just let her be. I didn’t beg or plead or got angry. I remembered what you said about letting the make their decision and not being needy so I thought it was enough neediness for the day with the grand romantic gesture and all. And I told her I understood how she felt and left. Not gonna lie, it was painful as hell. I was crying and extremely angry in the car. But at least she didn’t get to see that. I don’t know where to go from here but I guess no contact is the only way forward. Thanks for your help.
Kevin: This was the update from James. And as you can see, the grand romantic gesture didn’t work out the way he wanted. It’s no surprise to me because I know how breakups work and what kind of psychological defense mechanisms people have to want to stick to the breakup.
But one thing I want you to know is that what happened with James was actually pretty decent outcome. I have also heard of cases where an ex straight up refuses to speak while you are doing a romantic gesture, they ignore you or they send their friends to tell you to go away. In extreme cases, authorities can also be called and you may end up with a restraining order.
So as far as romantic gestures with an ex goes, this was a pretty good outcome. They both spoke to each other with respect, he got to give her the apology letter and she returned the necklace showing that she respects him and herself. They may still have a chance in the future. Especially if James follows my 5 step plan and doesn’t bother her for a long time.
Conclusion
Grand romantic gestures don’t get an ex back. And in the rare cases they do, they don’t fix the issues that lead to the breakup. Time apart, respect and personal growth are a much better way to go about getting an ex back and I explain that in my 5 Step plan to get your ex back and 5 Stages to get your ex girlfriend back. So read that if you haven’t yet.
And lastly, whenever you get back in touch with your ex after doing no contact, act out of respect, honesty and courage. Grand romantic gestures, when done from a place of manipulation or influencing someone into doing something they don’t want to, are unhealthy and ineffective.
For now, focus on respecting their decision and their space. Focus on being sincere and honest in whatever you do. And save the grand romantic gesture for your 10th anniversary when you get them back using honesty, trust and respect. They will really appreciate it at that time.
Further Reading: The No Contact Rule Explained and How it Helps In Getting an Ex Back
Further Reading: What To Text Your Ex To Get Them Back
Accurate Quiz: What are my chances of getting my ex back based on my situation?
