One of the questions that plagues a lot of men is if no contact works on women the same way it works on men.
The question usually arises after reading advice on forums and watching YouTube videos on the topic of getting an ex back.
Some coaches claim that women move on faster, that no contact doesn’t affect them the same way it works on men, and some other variation of such misguided advice.
To begin with, let me admit no contact worked on my ex girlfriend. Not once. But twice with two different girls.
But no, they didn’t just come back and confessed their love, admitted their mistake and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to them. They didn’t say that they were stupid for leaving me, and asked me to please forgive them and take them back.
No contact only worked in the sense it gave both parties space and time to miss each other. My first ex missed me, called me and following a series of events, we got back together (admittedly, it wasn’t a healthy relationship cause I ignored a lot of red flags).
My second ex – I contacted her after a period of no contact. I was myself, genuine, and honest. And because she missed me, she was open to hearing me out.
Things worked out much better this time around. Cause we eventually got married and just had a kid.
But I am the first one to admit that I may be an exception. Not everyone has the same experience as me. For some guys, it doesn’t work at all in terms of getting back together. For some guys, it works wonders.
But regardless of how well it works in getting their ex girlfriends back, it almost always helps them heal and get some perspective on the breakup.
Let’s explore the evidence and the psychology behind this.
Does No Contact Work Differently on Women than it Does on Men?
There is very little evidence to support the claim that no contact does not work on women, or is less effective on women than it is on men.
The only scientific study to support this claim was done in 2015 that came to the conclusion that women are hit harder after a breakup, but recover more fully and faster than men. However, the study was only conducted on a limited age group (college students) and it was conducted back in 2015. The author of the study also observed that the reason it happens is because women generally have better support system in place which helps them process the breakup better.
The second evidence to only partially support this is our study that showed that men were a little less successful in getting their ex back than women. But again, the difference is only by a few percentage (4% to be exact) and this also does not take into account the type of breakup, the type of relationship and the type of people involved.
So yes, there may be some truth to the fact that women find it easier to move on and that men find it harder to attract their ex back.
But it’s not true for all the women all of the time. In fact, I would argue that it’s not even true for majority of the women in today’s time.
The reason why this view is often widespread on the internet is because it’s just easier to believe and some forums (such as r/exnocontact subreddit) becomes an echochamber of absolute opinions without providing any facts.
In my opinion and experience, no contact is as effective on women as it is on men. That is, if a women breakups up with you, and you start no contact, it is most likely going to make her miss you and maybe even think about getting back together. Sometimes they may even reach out to you. Sometimes, they may just wait for you to reach out to them. And sometimes, with enough time apart, they stop missing you and move on from you.
Doing no contact rule after your girlfriend breaks up with you does not guarantee a reconciliation. It is, however, your best chance of healthy reconciliation provided you do it with the right mindset and focus on self-improvement and self-care.
Let’s dig into the different theories, whether or not they are accurate and what people say about this no contact rule female psychology.
No Contact NEVER Works on Women To Get Them Back – True or False?
The claim is false. No contact works on women the same way it works on men. Let’s explore it a bit further by exploring how it’s spread.
This claim is made by a few dating coaches and some reddit users. For example, one dating coach Dan says
“The No Contact Rule (ignoring a woman for 30-60 days) can work sometimes (e.g. if a woman is unable to find a replacement guy, is inexperienced with love and relationships, etc), but in most of the cases I see, it simply allows the woman time to move on without her ex.”
A reddit user says,
“No Contact rarely works on women because usually a woman checks out of a relationship months or even years before breaking up.”
Another reddit user says,
“Women typically break up with men mentally months before the actual breakup and strategically plan their exit. Things like finances and living situation usually factor into the equation. Some women don’t want to be alone and aren’t in a bad situation but know they could be in a better one but want to make sure they are transitioning over to a sure thing (my ex.) so when women move on instantly as cold as it is they usually moved on weeks or months prior but hold up a facade of at least being content.”
Another reddit user says
“My women friends just move on; no decompression, no reflection.
I learned a term here, yesterday (new to me): “monkey-branching.”
Monkey-branching is when a person clings to one person while working on the next person to swing over to.
And, damn, if that didn’t happen to me twice last year. My ex was texting a guy while we were dating and then broke up with me and was with him 3 days later after 7 months with me. That guy failed, and so she wanted to get back together. Sure, I said – and then she used the summer to find a new guy. I accidentally discovered them and then bailed on her but she had been using me as a safety net while messing around. Monkey branch.
Men might do it, too. I don’t see it as often, though. Especially in my older male friends, 40+. We are all, This is simply ridiculous, I don’t have the time for this nonsense superficial bullshit, and I’m not spending time and money and emotions on someone who is simply using me for emotional support while she grabs the next guy.”
But there is absolutely no evidence or stats to support the claim that this happens all the time or most of the time.
It’s true that some people check out of a relationship before actually breaking up, but it’s not true that all women do it. It also can not be said with certainty that women do it more often than men do.
In my coaching practice, I have seen many women struggle the same way men do about their exes seemingly moving on too soon after the breakup.
And I have also seen many men get their ex girlfriend back after implementing a period of no contact, focusing on self-improvement and fixing the issues and then eventually reconnecting.
This type of extreme views on gender and relationships sometimes become popular because it can make people feel better after breaking up. Especially, if they find other people with the same view.
Here are some reasons why the view “No Contact Doesn’t Work on Women” or “Women move on immediately after a breakup” or “Women monkey branch in a relationship.” can spread on forums.
- A simplistic view about relationships and women is often easier for the mind to process and accept rather than understanding the complexities of relationships, breakups and what happens after a breakup.
- An extreme view about women can feel attractive to some men. Amit Goldenberg from Scientific American conducted research that concluded that extreme viewpoints are more attractive than moderate ones.
- Blaming women in general shifts the responsibility of the breakup and the failed relationship to women. It helps men avoid taking responsibility for what happened to them and just adopt a victim mindset. Instead of thinking, “Where did I go wrong?”, they focus on “Women are always like this. I couldn’t have done anything different.” Both parties are usually responsible for the breakup and you can use the breakup as an opportunity to grow and become a better man.
- The demographics of communities such as r/exnocontact can create an echo chamber that repeat the same advice/viewpoint with anecdotal evidence while ignoring the anecdotal evidence that refutes their view point.
- Some coaches or sales people use such extreme viewpoints to create an urgency and sell their services or courses.
Anecdotal Evidence For No Contact Working On Women
To give you some anecdotal evidence that proves that no contact works on women, let’s explore some of female redditors sharing their experience.
One female redditor shares how no contact affected her.
“An ex of mine did no contact with me and I contacted him after about 7/8 months post breakup and 4/5 months no contact begging for him back.
I broke up with him after a 3 year relationship. It was for ridiculous reasons really, I was still slightly young, felt like the grass was greener on the other side and wanted to enjoy my life without a guy holding me back.
He begged and pleaded for me to stay with him for a good 4-6 weeks after I broke up with him, but I rejected him. Then one day he literally said something about how he can see we aren’t good together and then that was his last message to me. Let me tell you, it shook me a little. He went from being desperate for me to him just not wanting me anymore.
4 months passed and I saw him living his life on social media, going out with friends and getting drunk, he signed back up for university and was pursuing his dream job. It made me jealous, I broke up with him to have more of a life but actually the opposite happened and he seemed the happier one.
I found myself thinking about him more, I’d write out texts to him and then not send them. I was honestly hand on heart so regretful for letting him go. In the end I sent him a message, he was really thankful I’d sent it him, I think it gave him some closure, he had however already moved on and had found somebody else. So he had his ‘I told you so’ moment and probably felt damn good about himself.
I still think about him to this day (11 years since we met and 8 years since we broke up) I even tried to contact him a few times, including last summer and he ignored all of my attempts. I don’t blame him, I broke his heart and now it will have to be something I regret forever tbh. Seeing his face crying whilst I broke up with him on my drive way will haunt me forever.”
Note that in this experience, this girl didn’t want her ex back while he was contacting her and asking to get back together. While he was being needy and desperate. But once he accepted the breakup and decided to live his best life, she eventually wanted him back.
In the end, the guy moved on to a healthy relationship but the woman still thinks about him. We don’t really know the details of the relationship and what was the reason for the breakup, but no contact clearly worked in this situation. It took 4 months and even though the woman may have dated while they were separate, she still thinks about him.
In some instances, it may feel like your ex girlfriend is moving on when in reality, she is just trying to move on and still processing the breakup.
Here’s an experience from another female redditor about how her ex perceived her actions.
“My ex now has this “all women are the same” mentality after one of his friends told him I was on a dating app a month after we broke up. (He dumped me) I was only on the app for one day before blocking everyone I talked to on there and deleted the app.
I thought I was ready and was literally going insane when I was on there. 3 months after the breakup now and I recognize I probably won’t be able to date for another year or two.
Point is, a lot of guys just assume that we move on fast and are attention seeking when in reality we are probably badly hurt and aren’t really ready. At least that’s my perspective.”
Another female redditor shares her viewpoint.
“Idk man, the idea of being with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach and he’s out already going on dates after being engaged. People cope differently”
One redditor who did no contact with his ex girlfriend comments
“My girlfriend and I were separated 3 months. I had messed up. This was July 2020. We got back together in October 2020. She reached out to me at the end of September, 2020. She said one of the main reasons was because I left her alone and respected her need for space. So there is that.
Fast forward to July 2021. She said she needs to “pause” the relationship. Basically this is predictable behavior for someone with a dismissive avoidant relationship attachment style.
Problem is, for me it’s not going to be sustainable long term. If she and I do get back together in the same time frame… 3 months, I’ll accept that it’s done and just move on, as much as that would be painful.
So yes it does work. But you have to see if it’s symptomatic of a larger issue. At the very least you should respect someone’s boundary.”
But reddit is not the only place for stories supporting the fact that no contact works on women to get them back or at least to make them miss you. We’ve had comments and emails from clients and readers from all over the world sharing their story.
[Note: Stories from our clients and readers are much better reference because we often ask them of their age and other details of their relationship that can give some good insight into the breakup and why they came back.]
Here are a couple of stories of our clients.
“When I started no contact, I was so scared of losing her. It felt like she has already checked out of the relationship. It felt like she was just annoyed whenever I contacted her. So no contact seemed like the only option.
But after two weeks of no contact, we had to talk because of our dog had to go to the vet. This time, she was warm. It almost felt like she missed me. She asked me to come with her. I told her that I won’t bother her talking about the breakup or asking her to get back together. She said she appreciates it and that I hope I will stick to my words.”
Daryl
This was a quote from one of our readers who did no contact after the breakup of a 3 years relationship. Note that their relationship was meaningful and important to both of them. His girlfriend wanted to breakup due to a lot of reasons (the main reason was her feeling like he is taking her for granted). Him doing no contact allowed time for his ex girlfriend to miss him. No contact, clearly worked in his case to kind of reset the playing field for him after he did so much damage being needy and clingy after the breakup.
The second guy it worked on had severe low self-esteem issue. His name is Rohit (name changed for anonymity). An Indian American who landed a great girlfriend. But was always insecure about losing her. Even though his girlfriend loved him and wanted to be with him, he would often show insecurity and his low self-esteem through his actions. Actions such as jealousy, trying too hard to impress her, feeling like he needs to earn a lot of money if he wants to keep her or earn her respect, and overall just thinking very low of himself.
In a way, his actions were kind of fulfilling the belief that he didn’t deserve someone who loved him. He pushed her away to the point of breakup.
He implemented no contact and really focused all his effort on his self-esteem. That doesn’t mean just going to the gym (because he was already lifting a lot of weights). But the belief system that made him act needy and desperate. He was a client and we mostly worked on building his low self-esteem and a better belief system for himself. We pinpointed exactly what behavior was causing him to look insecure in relationships and where that behavior was coming from.
His ex girlfriend never reached out to him. But he did. One of the concepts we teach our clients is to not let fear of rejection stop you from going after what you want. He still wanted her back after a significant period of no contact. So he reached out (based on our advice). She was happy to hear from him (because despite his insecurities, he was still a great boyfriend and an honest guy) and agreed to meetup. They got back together a few days later.
Again, I am not saying it works for all the cases. There are a lot of factors at play here. Relationships are complex and it’s never right to say that “It will work on all women”, the same way it’s not right to say that “No contact doesn’t work on women.” And later on in this article, I am going to share some cases where no contact didn’t work to get an ex girlfriend back.
But I can guarantee you that if you follow no contact after the breakup, with the right mindset, and focus on healing, growth, self-improvement and self-care; then you will definitely see improvement in your overall well-being. A lot of times, that leads to getting back together.
Statistical Evidence of No Contact Working On Women
Here’s the data of men from our study who got their ex girlfriends back and stayed with their girlfriend over a long term. This data includes 149 men who got back together and stayed together.
According to men who got their ex girlfriends back and kept them –
- 59.7% attributed self-improvement to their success
- 45% attributed the time spent apart as the reason they got back together.
- 43% gave credit to the No Contact Rule
- 18.8% attributed ex back websites/YouTube channels to their success
- 11.4% attributed coaching/therapy to their success
So while no contact helps, it’s not always the only deciding factor here. So instead of focusing on no contact, focus on self-improvement. Your odds will increase.
When Is No Contact NOT EFFECTIVE On Women? In What Situations Do Women Move On Immediately After Breakup?
Like I said before, no contact does not always work on women to get them back. How could anything always work? It’s relationship and human beings we are talking about.
Unfortunately, there is no clear cut way to know whether or not it’s going to work in your particular situation to get your ex girlfriend back. The best you can do is start no contact, focus on healing and see how things go.
The good thing about this approach is that you are working on self-improvement and healing from the breakup. As a result, even if no contact doesn’t work, you are still gonna be okay. Because you have, hopefully, healed from the breakup and become a better person because of the process.
To give you an example, one of our client AJ from Nashville, was desperate to get his ex girlfriend back. He did no contact. Did everything that you are supposed to do during no contact. Even went to therapy to work on his commitment issues.
His ex girlfriend never reached out to him. He had hopes and he waited for her. But she never texted a word. Not a peep.
I asked him to reach out to her because the thought of waiting for his ex girlfriend to reach out was just a huge mental block for him (and kind of a useless notion IMO). And you know what happened after he reached out to her?
Not a peep.
Nothing.
And it happens. Sometimes, they never reach out. Sometimes they never reply if you reach out. Sometimes, they reply immediately. Sometimes they take a few days or weeks to reply.
In AJ’s case, she never replied. Even after weeks. She left him on read.
It hurt him. But it gave him the closure he needed. He now knew what he was finding it difficult to accept before. It’s not going to work out between her and his ex girlfriend. And he needed to move on. Which was much easier for him now because he already came a long way from the breakup.
Now if I had to give you some more insights into his situation and why his ex never replied to him, I would say it had a lot to do with her and the way the breakup happened. She kind of just blindsided him with the breakup. Not just your regular blindside. The kind where she packed her bags when he was out of town and not even leave a note blindside.
She was the kind of person who didn’t even have the decency to speak to her partner who she was with for over two years.
I know it was an extreme case. But I have seen this trait in a few other cases as well.
In essence, if your ex is the type of person who doesn’t respect people, who kind of treats them as something she can use and dispose; then yeah, no contact probably isn’t going to work on her. Nothing will.
And how do you know if your ex was like that? You were in a relationship with her for a while. You will probably understand that as you spend time without her and you get more perspective on what happened. As you look back and think what happened and why it happened, it will give you a good idea about your ex and how she was. It may take some time, but you will get there.
We also work with our clients in coaching to help them get some insights into their breakup.
For AJ, he desperately wanted to believe that his ex wasn’t someone who would treat him the way she did. He always came up with reasons why it was “justified” what she did. Always giving her the benefit of the doubt. But in the end, he accepted the reality. It took him a while and an attempt to reconnect. But he reached there. And now, he is all the better for it.
Some other situations where no contact is not likely to work and the women may move on immediately after the breakup.
- If your ex girlfriend and all her friends usually have shallow relationships based on money, looks, casual sex rather than real connection.
- If she has a long history of monkey branching.
- If she knew from the starting that this relationship will end and she never fully committed emotionally. (Such as family pressure or arranged marriage situations).
- You both never developed a strong emotional bond. (Such as a short relationship or a long distance relationship where you both could never spend enough time together).
- The relationship has been on the rocks for a very long time before it ended.
How Does No Contact Effect A Woman Psychologically? Does It Make Her Miss You?
Yeah, if your ex girlfriend had feelings for you, if she loved you at one point of time, if at one point of time she imagined a future with you; then yeah she is going to miss you.
No contact affects everyone similarly. It kind of forces you to face the breakup and go through the breakup grief. Some people process it faster. Some people take a long time to process it.
The time it takes them to process and how they process it differs based on their personality, their overall mental health, their surroundings, their mindset around the breakup and their support system.
Read my article on how to cope with missing an ex and how to stop thinking about your ex for strategies on how to heal.
Now, you can’t really control how she will process it, when she will miss you and what conclusions she will come to about you. But you can control your own well-being and the path you choose moving forward, whether it is to try to get her back or not.
And that’s where the information on our website really shines. Check out this article
Is No Contact The Best Strategy After Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You?
Yes, no contact is one of the best strategy moving forward after a breakup. It can lead to a reconciliation or it can lead to you moving on from her. The key is to not look at no contact as a manipulative tactic, or “Rule” set in stone. It’s just a guideline that’s meant to help you shift the attention away from your ex and towards you.
Should I Expect Her To Call Me Or Text Me If I Start No Contact?
Yeah, a lot of exes reach out to their ex boyfriends when they go no contact. Sometimes, they even want to get back together. But it’s not always in your best interest to speak to them or even get back together.
In most cases, you should really think things through before getting back together.
Remember the story I shared above of the redditor with the dismissive avoidant ex girlfriend?
It took him another breakup to realize that his ex-girlfriend wasn’t really healthy for him. But he could have avoided that if he took the time think about the breakup and his ex-girlfriend critically instead of just waiting for her to come back. Instead, he just focused on his mistakes and never really thought about his ex’s fault until she came back and left him again.
Can I Do Something To Make No Contact More Effective? Should I Try To Make Her Jealous During No Contact To Make Her Miss Me?
The only thing you can and you should do is
- Focus on healing from the breakup.
- Get some perspective on the breakup. Why it happened? What was your fault? What was your ex’s fault?
- General self-improvement activities such as workout, socializing, healthy diet, healthy sleep etc.
- General self-care activities such as treating yourself to a massage, a trip, mediation etc.
You may feel like doing things such as stalking your ex, trying to get a reaction out of her by posting on social media or just general manipulative things.
Don’t do that. Don’t do anything manipulative. Because it shifts your focus from yourself to your ex. And it doesn’t make no contact more effective. It only increases your chance of creating more drama, obsessing over your ex, and getting back in an unhealthy relationship.
What Should I Do After No Contact To Get My Ex Girlfriend Back?
Alright, so you are convinced that you should do no contact. But you probably still want her back. And want to maximize your chances of getting her back.
Now, on the internet, you will find the following paths.
- Wait for her to reach out to you.
- Wait for her to give you a sign.
- Keep moving on from her, and don’t have any expectations. She may reach out when you least expect it.
- Contact them with a manipulative message to make them jealous or entice their curiosity.
- Reach out with honesty if you are emotionally ready, have the right mindset and you see a potential in a relationship with her.
As you can guess by now, at Ex Back Permanently, we recommend the last option. You contact your ex after no contact if you are ready. It’s just an overall better strategy to focus on what you can control.
