How To Get Your Ex Back PERMANENTLY – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex back isn’t the hard part – the hard part is keeping them.

When my ex broke up with me and I wanted her back, I followed the common advice and gave her space. Didn’t reach out or text. And in a few months, we got back together. I thought I was a relationship genius for getting her back so effortlessly.

You know what happened then? We fought, broke up, got back together again, tried hard to make it work and then broke up again years later.

Our relationship had its moments. But it was a toxic relationship. And I was no relationship genius.

It’s one of the main reasons that when I teach someone to get their ex back, I focus on these three important pillars –

1. Giving Your Ex Space and Time
2. Positive Personal Transformation
3. Honest Communication

Based on your situation, you may need a varied amount of each ingredient. But to get your ex back in a healthy relationship, all of the three pillars are important. 

Ignore even one of them and your chances decrease drastically.

Why?

In my example, I gave my ex space, but never really worked on the deep rooted insecurities, shame, and limiting beliefs that were causing me to seek validation from my ex.

Had I faced my issues head on, I would have either realized that relationship wasn’t right for me, or it would have motivated my ex to work on her issues and we would still be together.

But take another example from one of my clients, Sarah. She did all those things I didn’t. She faced her insecurities head on. Went to therapy. Addressed the emotional baggage she was carrying from her childhood.

But she kept waiting for her ex to reach out so she could show him those changes. Her ex didn’t. And eventually she gave up and moved on. Her and her ex never really communicated after her transformation. And thus, never got back together.

I know, her moving on may have been the healthier decision for her. But in terms of getting your ex back, it can’t happen unless there is honest communication after personal transformation (not to be confused with manipulation and gimmicks).

Paul, another reader, followed the first two pillars, but screwed up with honest communication. He tried to make his ex jealous, played silly mind games (such as waiting 2 hours before replying to her), and tried too hard to manipulate her feelings. These gimmicks worked for a few days but ultimately backfired. His ex lost respect for him, saw him as immature, and eventually cut him off.

Had he been honest, his ex would have respected him more and considered giving it one more chance.

Real-life breakup stories have shaped me into the coach I am today. While my personal journey taught me the value of positive transformation, client stories like Sarah’s and Paul’s showed me the critical role of honest communication in rebuilding relationships.

So learn from my experience. And don’t ignore any of the three important pillars of getting your ex back. 

Space and Time. 

Personal Transformation. 

Honest Communication.

Does it always work?

Of course not. Most people don’t get back together. Some situations are downright impossible. But my advice is for those who want to try in the healthiest way possible. 

For those that it works for, it’s worth putting in the effort. 

Some of my clients and readers reconciled with their exes, got married, started families, and have stayed together for over a decade. (You can read their stories in the comment section below)

Yes, I’ve heard the advice, “an ex is an ex for a reason” and that “people don’t change”. And it makes sense in a lot of cases. 

Except, when it doesn’t. 

Because some connections are worth fighting for. And I have personally seen hundreds of people change for the better.

I believe in fighting for love with clarity and confidence, while staying grounded in reality. That’s what this article will teach you. And if you feel your love for your ex is worth fighting for, then continue reading below.

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their panicked mind and misinterpreting it as their instinct. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time – It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your panicked mind tells you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back. But what actually happens is something like this.

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. They expect something like this,

But in reality, it goes something like this.

Every time an interaction goes like above, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back? Won’t they forget about me?

If your relationship was meaningful, they are not going to forget about you anytime soon. They will still have feelings for you for a while (in some cases, even for years). And you can contact them when you are doing it from a position of confidence and strength as I will explain in Step 4 of this article.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity – If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for the breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Your panicked mind will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back. Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

When you are begging, or being needy, you are essentially saying to them, “You are so much better than me. Please be with me.”

Even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to think they are out of your league and are doing you a favor? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You – Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection – Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. You decide to make grand gestures, buy them gifts and try to remind them of all the good times you had together. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. 

If you truly love them, and they need space, you would give it to them. Otherwise, your repeated confessions of love become meaningless – or worse annoying.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating – The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. Your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. 

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

You can also find out if you still have a chance with your ex by taking our quiz which tells you your chances of getting your ex back based on your demographics, the reason of the breakup, what happened after the breakup, and your mindset.

Never making it clear that you want them back is also a mistake

The above mistakes stem from anxiety. However, some people, fearing rejection, shut down completely after a breakup and avoid their ex. They hope their ex will reach out, apologize, and ask them back.

While not as damaging as other mistakes, this can lead your ex to think you don’t want them back or don’t love them. This is also the case if you initiated the breakup, regret it now, but haven’t communicated your feelings.

If you haven’t shared your feelings yet, consider telling them honestly after a week apart. During that week, reflect on whether the relationship was healthy and if the issues are fixable. If they are, express your desire to try again confidently and with an apology if needed.

Say something like,

“Just to be clear, I don’t want this breakup. I think we can talk it out and sort out our issues. I feel our relationship is worth fighting for. But if you still want to go through with it, I will respect your decision.”

If they still don’t want you back, then continue with the rest of the plan.

Additional Perspective on Pushing an Ex Away

1. Overthinking, Anxiety, and Obsession causes these mistakes – Overthinking and obsessing over what your ex is doing, what they are feeling, whether or not they will come back, and the “what ifs” are only going to make you act more needy and make a fool of yourself. Studies have shown anxiety disrupts decision making. While you shouldn’t suppress your thoughts about your ex, you shouldn’t overindulge in them either.

2. Your ex wants to stay consistent to the decision – There is a psychological process that makes us want to stick to any major decisions we make and even change our attitude and beliefs to match that decision. It’s because of something called the cognitive dissonance theory. In short it means, your ex isn’t trying to find a reason to get back together, they are trying to find a reason to justify their decision. Don’t give them more reasons to justify their decision.

3. Quick Tips To Avoid Making These Mistakes – Change your ex’s name to “Don’t push him/her away” on your phone. Remind yourself that your ex won’t move on so soon. Set reminders on your phone to take deep breaths and stay hydrated. Surround yourself with loved ones who will stop you from acting desperate.

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called the no contact rule. It’s simple and very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

• No phone calls or texts unless absolutely necessary.
• No emails or DMs on any social media apps
• No interacting through mutual friends or family
• No “accidentally” running into them at places they are going to visit.
• Minimizing interactions or muting any group chats that both you and your ex may be a part of.
• No snapchat streaks, likes on their stories or other indirect form of communication
• Any important communication (such as regarding a shared child or shared responsibilities) can be done with an ex while keeping it strictly on the topic.
• If you live together, you either move out, get them to move out, or create your own separate space in the house.

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Something called the fading effect bias makes us forget the negative feelings and remember the positive feelings about our past. In addition, they will get curious, they will have to face uncertainty, they will have to learn what it’s like not to have you as a backup, that they can also lose you forever and finally realize what they stand to lose if they lose you.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make positive changes in your life. Accept yourself more, love yourself more, and be proud of yourself more. In addition, you should address the issues that caused the breakup. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life, accepting yourself and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. 

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text or call during no contact?

In most cases, No. Not unless you have healed enough to try to get them back from a position of confidence. If you are still desperate to win them back, they will sense it and feel content knowing they still have you as a backup. (Also known as breadcrumbing.)

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more, diminish negative memories and remember the good things about you.

You don’t have to take a leap of faith over here. There is science (the fading affect bias and nostalgia) and countless experiences to back this (see updates from Amy, Beth, and John for example).

Besides, The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to your ex blocking you or a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact time shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person. Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)

Short no contact only works in cases where you have not made it clear that you want them back AND the relationship wasn’t toxic or abusive. If you don’t fall in that category, then you should ideally do no contact for at least a month.

Additional Perspective on No Contact

1. Different Views on The Internet – Some people recommend that no contact should always be indefinite or permanent. Not for a limited number of days. That’s actually good advice if you are ready to move on. But if you want to try to win your ex back one last time before moving on, then it makes sense to do it for a limited number of days and reach out to an ex when you are ready (see comment update from David). Besides, if you realize your ex is not worth it, you can just choose to continue no contact indefinitely (see comment update from Griselda).

2. Some exes try to worm their way in when you start no contact – That’s just the nature of relationships. When you pull away, they will feel a vacuum and may want to push. But it’s not always the best decision to engage with them. They may start pulling away when they realize you still love them or are still needy. They may just want to see if you are still available as a backup. Make your self-respect and self-care a priority when interacting with an ex during no contact. And if need be, set clear boundaries or ignore them.

3. Constant reminders that your ex will come back are not true – The internet is full of people claiming your ex will come back if you just wait for them. Don’t wait for an ex. It happens, but not always. Sometimes it happens only after you’ve moved on. See our study and the updated stories of other commenters for a realistic view of what actually happens.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. 

A 2020 study found that most people who want an ex back do so because they feel incomplete without their ex (something my community has been saying for a decade). That’s probably part of the reason you put your ex on a pedestal. Part of the reason your ex thinks they are so much better than you.

So when you learn to be whole again without your ex (or regain your identity), you stop putting your ex on a pedestal. And your ex stops thinking they are better than you. As a result, you level the playing field.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and learn to live your life without your ex.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

• Get a haircut. A simple thing to do. But it gives you a fresh look and makes you feel better.
• Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
• Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
• Get new clothes. Again, a simple thing. But makes you feel new. Kind of a symbolic gesture to you finding yourself again.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive Changes in your Mentality

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. Know that you are not going to feel better in a day. It will take time. Maybe a month. Maybe even more. But it will happen. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it helps regain composure during stressful times.

3. Spend time with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them. If need be, speak to them about your feelings and talk about any doubts you have. A good support system is essential in helping you go through a breakup.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself. As you do this, you will learn to love yourself and not settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate who you are.

5. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, hydrate and exercise – It not only helps you look better, it also helps you feel better. The healthier your lifestyle, the healthier your thoughts about yourself. Teach yourself that you deserve healthy food, a healthy body and healthy relationships.

6. Go out on a date. It gives you some great perspective to go out and meet new people who are interested in being with you. But don’t force yourself to do it unless it feels right. Take your time to grieve and learn to love yourself first.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing your ex. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind.

Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the best way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better.

When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Learning From The Past and Growth

While we are at it, it’s also important to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you did that pushed your ex away. While relationships end for a variety of reasons, one common theme I have found amongst my readers is insecurity, unhealthy communication, and low self-esteem.

1. Insecurity – Essentially means not feeling secure in a relationship, not because of the relationship itself, but because of your own emotional baggage (such as childhood, past relationships etc.). Insecurity is aptly described by the attachment theory. So it’s worth it to look into the different attachment styles and how it may have affected your relationships.

If you feel it caused the breakup, then you should discuss it with your ex whenever you both start talking about getting back together.

2. Unhealthy Communication – We aren’t taught in school how to have healthy communication in relationships. We aren’t taught to express our needs, set boundaries, request instead of demand, and actually listen to our partner when they share something important.

This is why a lot couples have communication issues despite loving each other. Learning about it can be a life changer for most people. It helps not only in getting them back but in all facets of your life. My most recommended book for learning communication is Non-Violent Communications by Marshal B. Rosenberg.

3. Low Self-Esteem – In relationships, low self-esteem means feeling unworthy of love. So when your partner truly cares about you and loves you, it can create inner conflict. Depending on your attachment style, this might manifest differently:

• Anxious Attachment: You may create unnecessary arguments or conflicts due to fear of abandonment.
• Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment: You might shut down emotionally, feel trapped, or decide to break up to avoid intimacy.

To improve self-esteem, I highly recommend “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” by Nathaniel Branden.

Additional Advice on Self-Care, Self-Love and Growth

1. Deeper wounds and emotional baggage – While in this stage, if things are too overwhelming or if you come across something from the past that is extremely hurtful, then you should get help. You don’t need to do this alone by yourself. There are professionals and services to help you heal. Consider going to a therapist, a counselor or a breakup coach.

2. No Contact Works in Different Ways – Some of our readers exes come back on their own during no contact (see comment update from Amy), some heal, get into the right mindset, and then reach out to their ex to get them back (see comment update from Ana), some decide that letting their ex go is the right decision from them (see comment update from Rob), while some realize their ex was toxic and are glad the relationship is over (see comment update from Kaye).

3. You are not necessarily broken and you don’t need to change who you are – It’s tempting to think that you are broken, or that you are a bad romantic partner, or unattractive. Especially with the avalanche of self-improvement advice online. It’s not true in most cases. People sometimes make mistakes and don’t know how to communicate well. While it’s important to be honest with yourself about your mistakes, it’s also important to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion. Remember, your ex is equally, if not more, responsible for the things that led to the breakup.

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

For that to happen, you need two things.

1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

• You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule)
• You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
• You have made a few positive changes in your life.
• You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
• You have gone on a date during no contact. (Optional)
• You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
• You have educated yourself on toxic traits of relationships, narcissistic cycles and unhealthy communication patterns.
• You have educated yourself on attachment styles and love languages.
• You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

When you are ready, there are actually three scenarios that apply.

1. Your ex reaches out to you first.
2. You are ready to reach out to your ex.
3. You are ready but you want to wait for your ex to reach out.

Let’s discuss the scenarios in brief.

Situation 1 – Your ex reaches out to you first

Like I said before, your ex may want to worm their way in while you are doing no contact and trying to live your best life. They may just send a casual, “Hey, just checking up on you” text. Or they may just call you with an excuse such as, “I just saw your Instagram reel, are you on a holiday?”

Whatever it is, your aim shouldn’t be to get attached to them unless you are ready to start the process of getting them back. See the checklist above again.

If your ex still holds a lot of power over you, and you still put them on a pedestal, they will suck you back in and keep you around while they do whatever they want. (See comment update from Kaitlyn who was in this waiting game for two years)

If you feel that’s the case, then tell them you need some more space and start another round of no contact.

But if it feels like they are genuinely interested in you and care about you, then speak to them, let things flow naturally and just put forward the best version of yourself. (See news story of one of our readers Nat, who kind of got famous for getting her ex back).

In other words, be cool. BE YOURSELF. BUT BE COOL. Don’t be overwhelming, don’t be needy, don’t jump at the first sign of interest they show. And don’t declare your undying love for them unless they show a definite interest in working things out.

Situation 2 – You are ready to reach out to your ex

If you are ready to reach out to your ex, then I recommend doing it from a place of confidence, honesty and tact. I have had the privilege of working with thousands of heartbroken souls over the course of 14 years as a breakup coach. And the best results, by far, come from a message that I call the Elephant in the Room text. 

It includes –

• A genuine apology if you did something wrong or were disrespectful of their space.
• A brief insight into your behavior that led to the breakup.
• A genuine expression of what you miss about them. (Such as speaking to them about the latest movies or sharing your day with them.)
• An invitation to talk. (Not about anything particular. And without any conditions or expectations).

You can get 5 such sample texts by downloading this bonus and subscribing to our emails.

Other methods of reaching out to your ex include, a simple text asking how they are, a reminder text (of good memories), asking for advice or a call with an invitation to talk about the relationship. (I explore the pros and cons of these in this article and this article on texting your ex)

Situation 3 – You decide to continue no contact and wait for your ex

My recommendation is to not wait for an ex, but rather be proactive and reach out to your ex when you are ready.

However, some people want to give their ex a lot of space and just prefer letting them come back on their own.

If that makes sense to you, my advice is to not wait for your ex. Instead move on. If they ever reach out, only then think about whether or not you should take them back. But until then, focus on living your best life with no expectations of getting back together.

This is also the advice of one of our community members, lizgrim, whose ex came back after about 4-5 months of her waiting for him. They even got married and have a healthy relationship. But she still felt regret for giving him so much emotional power over her during their time apart.

This is what she said in her forum post.

“And definitely don’t sit at home crying waiting on them to come back. Don’t put your life on hold. Go out and explore. Do stuff. Kiss whoever you want. F**k whoever you want. That’s my regret. That I stayed home and waited for him. That I spent an entire summer letting him affect me. That I wasted months of my life I will never get back. The only reason he came back was because I moved out. Because I moved on. Because I wasn’t staying at home for him anymore. He was terrified of losing me and I made sure he knew he wasn’t going to have me anymore with someone else in his life. I know this won’t work for everyone. I know every relationship is different but I truly think no matter what, you need to focus on yourself. Get a haircut. Work out. Enjoy your life without them.“

Moving forward to a meetup after establishing contact

As you both start talking, speak to them how you would speak to a friend who you are interested in dating. Be friendly, be honest, have fun, flirt if appropriate, but respect their boundaries and need for space. 

If you want to move things forward, eventually you will have to ask them out. If the topic of meeting up doesn’t come up in the next 3 conversations, then I recommend you ask them out. 

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. Speak on the phone for five minutes and then propose something like,  “It will be great to catch up with you over coffee. How about tomorrow after work?”

If they agree, great. If not, don’t push them. Just say something like, “Alright. I think it would have been fun. Let me know if you change your mind.”

A rejection to meetup from your ex is usually not a good sign. It means they need more space or are still skeptical about a lot of things. You’ve already expressed your interest to reconnect. So give them more space and continue doing what you have been doing so far. Living your best life.

What To Do On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). If the topic of the past relationship comes up, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Don’t be afraid to share what you’ve learned about yourself during the time apart. In fact, I encourage it. But keep your focus on having a good time.

Again, the advice on the date is to be cool. BE YOURSELF. BUT BE COOL. Don’t be overwhelming, don’t be needy and let things progress organically.

Making it official

Before you officially get back together, make sure your ex is committed to making a relationship work with you. Essentially, they also need to take responsibility for what went wrong, show honesty, make an effort to communicate better, be mature, and try to be a better partner.

Remember, you’ve become a better, more secure, more mature person during your time apart. If they want you back, they need to match you.

If it feels like they are not committed, or if they have not grown at all during your time apart, then give them more space and time. Alternatively, consider going for a trial period with them. A trial period means you both see if things have changed and whether getting back together is a good idea for both of you. If it isn’t, then you both move on knowing it was never meant to be.

How to let them go if it doesn’t work out?

The decision to let an ex go may seem impossible right now, but if you have reached this point in the journey, it gets easier.

One reason for that is because you’ve tried your best to make it work. You’ve given the due effort and paid respect to the love you have for your ex. As a result, your mind feels at ease knowing that it was never meant to be.

Another reason it’s easier to let go is because of the inner shift that happens during the process. As you are no longer dependent on your ex for your happiness, you start seeing the true nature of the relationship and your ex. While they may still be a good person, you sometimes realize they weren’t good for you.

As you let them go, fall back on your support system, continue doing the self-care activities that you did during no contact, give yourself some more time to fully accept that it’s over, and whenever you are emotionally ready, get back out there and start dating again.

Additional Perspective on Re-attraction

1. Be realistic and consistent about the changes you promise – Saying something like, “I will never be jealous again.” is unrealistic. Saying something like, “I have an anxious attachment style. But I will try to communicate my needs and feelings clearly” is realistic, and you can do that consistently. Expect the same about the changes your ex promises.

2. Moving On is the Ultimate Act Of Removing Your Ex From The Pedestal – In this context, moving on means opening your heart to someone else. While the thought may not appeal to you now, whenever you are ready, don’t let your ex stop you from getting into a serious relationship with someone else. A lot of times, that’s what it takes for you to realize your worth and for them to realize what they lost. (See comment updates from Laura, Poppy, and Kaitlyn)

The whole process can be an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you will feel great. Sometimes, you will miss your ex terribly. You may be tempted to do something needy or manipulative while you are going through this.

This is why it’s important to have reminders to do this with the right mindset. I recommend three important mindsets while going through with this –

1. Growth mindset – The mistakes you made don’t define you. As long as you are willing to learn from them and grow, you are becoming a better version of yourself.
2. Abundance mindset – There is an abundance of love out there. Even if you don’t get your ex back, you are going to move on and find someone else.
3. Commitment to self-care and self-love – While you are going through this, it’s easy to get lost thinking what would bring your ex back while ignoring yourself. Commit to your well-being above everything else.

But it gets hard to truly enforce these mindsets when going through a bad breakup. This is why I have created an email series with daily reminders to help you through this.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 150,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.  Stuff like,

• Using Pattern Breaking
• Exact chances of getting them back
• Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
• What to do if your ex is dating someone else
• How To Stop obsessing over them
• How to contact them when ready
• How to speak to them before getting back together
• Approaching this process with honesty and being true to yourself
• And a lot more.

To subscribe, you need to take a quiz that also tells you your exact chances of getting them back.

Here’s what one of our subscribers say about it. (More can be found here.)

“I related to your honest approach from the get go but I was too scared to implement it because the tik tok coaches explain that it makes you lose your power and look weak. Whereas it actually slows your healing process down, you become more obsessed and sucked into waiting game whilst hopefully watching no contact reels and tarrot readers.

Thank you for your emails and the work you do – I should have listened to you and what my body was telling me, rather than go through this rollercoaster of mind games and anxiety.”

Bianca

Click here to qualify and subscribe to the EBP Basics Email Course

Most Recommended Further Reading

The No Contact Rule Explained – How and Why it Works

Should I Get Back With My Ex? 

Whether or Not, When and What To Text Your Ex After No Contact

A 3k+ participants study – Do people get back together? If yes, do they stay together? 

Readers Update

We emailed our commenters from years ago and asked if they got back together and if they are still together. Like I said before, not everyone gets back together. But most of them, after following the plan, heal and move forward with their life. With their ex or without them. See the comment section below for real life updates.