Fearful or Dismissive. Secure or Preoccupied. Your ex is still a human being.
Someone who was, once upon a time, a child who craved love and deserved to have their needs met.
As an adult, they are still someone who craves a healthy relationship. Who craves to be loved and have their needs met. Who craves to feel content and happy in their life. Who, most likely, deserves that. Not someone who deserves to be put in a box labeled “Fearful” along with other exes.
Attachment styles are great for understanding human behavior. But when it comes to predicting human behavior, they can be misleading. Because a lot of things influence their behavior other than their attachment style. They are, after all, individuals, with their own thoughts, their own experiences, their own desires, and their own willpower.
Here are seven things your ex is, other than their avoidant attachment style
1. They could be someone who believes they don’t deserve love – Someone with low self-esteem believes that they are not worthy to be loved. They look for signs of trouble in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble, they decide to run away. When they never hear from their ex again, they convince themselves that yes, they don’t deserve love.
2. They could be someone who is a master manipulator – A Narcissist or a psychopath, in the true sense of the word, is someone who only cares about themselves. And would manipulate people around them to get what they want. Your ex could be someone who just used you, abused you, and got bored of you. They may come back once again out of curiosity to see how much control they still have over you. But hopefully, you would have gained enough strength by then to not let them use you anymore.
3. They could be someone who is scared of reaching out – It’s scary to reach out and be vulnerable. With the rise of extreme dating advice, it gets even scarier because most dating coaches prey on your fear of rejection. The world is becoming less vulnerable and less kind to people who want to be vulnerable.
4. They could be someone who lacks self-awareness – Someone who doesn’t know who they are and what they want. Who constantly wants to be the victim. And when someone points at them and tells them – you also made a mistake, they avoid them and blame them for being vicious. When someone points out how they didn’t communicate their needs properly, they shift the blame to them and call them a Narcissist.
5. They could be someone who truly cares about you – Avoidants also are capable of caring about other human beings. Some of them really do. But their own issues sometimes come between it. Sometimes, they end a relationship because they are afraid of hurting you.
6. They could be someone who wants to stick to their decision – Some people just want to do everything they can to stick to their decision. Even if it’s painful for them. They may even block you to stop themselves from reaching out. They would rather cry every night alone in their bed than reach out, be vulnerable, and admit that they made a bad decision. It takes courage to do that. Not everyone has that. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be loved.
7. They could be someone who just wasn’t into you – They may just be someone who really didn’t feel the connection you felt in the relationship. And when the relationship ended, it was easy to label them an Avoidant, or a Narcissist. It doesn’t mean that they were a bad person. Maybe they did you a favor by ending it before you got more invested. It also doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love or that no one will find you worthy of being in a relationship. It just means they were not it. There is a right person out there for you.
You are more than someone who wants their ex back
Shifting the focus to you, remind yourself that you are someone who deserves love and happiness. It may seem like your ex is the only path to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. But they are not.
Remind yourself that you are more than someone who wants their ex back. Someone who deserves better than just to sit and wait for their dismissive or fearful ex to come back. Someone who deserves more than to watch all those Youtube and TikTok reels that give you false hope and keep you stuck on their ex.
Someone who doesn’t need to do the impossible task of figuring out how long it will take their ex to miss them, how long it will take them to come back, exactly what message will pique their curiosity, and how to make them chase you.
Yes, despite what anyone says, these are all impossible tasks. The only way to actually predict your ex’s behavior is to install a neurochip in their head that gives you all the data of all the thoughts and emotions that they are going through.
Yes, there are similarities in the way avoidant people act. And the attachment theory explains a lot of things about their behavior and their need for space.
But not every avoidant is the same.
If they were, why do you want to wait for your ex? Why don’t you go out and find yourself another avoidant?
It’s probably because you felt a real connection with them. Something you didn’t feel with other people. And if that connection was real, your ex probably felt it too.
Playing the attachment waiting game is disrespectful to that connection. It’s also the worst way to heal from a breakup. Whether you yourself are avoidant, anxious, dismissive, fearful or preoccupied; don’t play that silly game.
Give yourself some time to be grounded. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Learn to have realistic expectations. And if you still think your ex is worthy of your time, reach out with vulnerability.
If your connection with them was real, they will most likely open up sooner or later. If they don’t, you will know that their attachment style doesn’t matter. Because they just aren’t the one for you.
