Everyone keeps telling me that an “ex is an ex for a reason”. That even if they come back, they will probably use me and leave me again. And I am just having a hard time believing that.
The truth is, what we had was something special. I felt it and I know they felt it too. We broke up because the work stress in my ex’s life was too much for them to handle. I didn’t handle the situation in a way I could be proud of. It caused us to have a lot of fights, miscommunication and in the end I said somethings I shouldn’t have said. Things that I have apologized for and regret to this very day.
But I just can’t help but feel that my breakup was the type that usually gets back together (maybe with enough time)? I guess what I am asking is that is there a possibility that me and my ex will come back together given that my breakup happened because of stress and because I broke their trust by saying mean things to them?
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When I went through one of the most significant breakups of my life, I went through a very similar thought process. I felt what I had was special, and so was my breakup. I had a feeling inside me that the breakup was temporary. Because I could feel that my ex still had feelings for me and that the relationship we had could thrive into something beautiful if given the chance.
Well, we did get back together. In fact, I made a lot of compromises just so we could get back together. But while focusing completely on whether or not we would get back together; I completely neglected my needs, expectations and what’s healthy for me.
What actually happened, instead of thriving into something beautiful, the relationship with my ex developed into something toxic and unhealthy. So unhealthy that it took a toll on my self-esteem that took me years of self-love and self-improvement to recover from.
I don’t want to blame my ex for it because I was almost equally responsible for the toxicity because I enabled it. I enabled it because I didn’t have the strength to walk away from a bad situation just because I was attached to her.
All this not to say that all breakups that get back together end up like this, but to tell you that it’s very very important to heal from the breakup and get perspective on your situation with your ex. It’s important to get true clarity on your breakup and what it would take to get back together in a healthy relationship.
So in case your relationship is the type that gets back together, you only continue it if it’s healthy for you. If it’s not, then you at least have the strength to walk away from them even if you are emotionally attached.
I know it doesn’t directly answer your question whether or not your breakup is the “type” that will get back together. But it’s more important to point out the consequence of getting back in an unhealthy relationship because the truth is, almost any type of breakup can get back together.
The real question is if you both can stay together after getting back together. And if so, what would it take from both sides to make it work this time? And most importantly, are both parties capable or willing to do what it takes to make it work? Things like working on bad communication patterns, not withdrawing from difficult conversations, showing up when they are needed, making the relationship a priority?
Now on to your question.
What types of breakups get back together? And is my breakup that type?
Now this website, Ex Back Permanently, has been around for more than 15 years. And we have seen hundreds of thousands of breakup situations. The good news is that we have documented most of them and we cover a lot of situations in our articles, comment sections and forum.
But, going through other people’s situations trying to find similarity to your situation is time consuming, and sometimes even addictive.
While you are free to browse our articles and comments to find similar situations, the best way find out if your breakup is the type that gets back together is to work your way backwards by understanding which types of breakups rarely get back together.
Here are four types of breakups that rarely get back together according to my 15 years of breakup coaching experience.
1. Young couples in long distance relationships – This is one of the most common types of breakup situations that we get. Young couples who feel that their relationship was special, they try to do long distance, but one of them starts withdrawing and eventually breaks up. The reason this type of breakup is the hardest to get back together is because there are so many things working against you. Long distance, the novelty of college life, so many potential partners/ dating opportunities for both partners, lack of maturity and not understanding what you want long term.
The one situation when it can get back together is if the long distance is temporary and it’s going to end soon. If you and your ex will be in the same town again, then you can and should keep hope of reconciliation. Otherwise, it’s best to completely let go.
2. An ex who gave you a lot of chances before ending the relationship – This one is hard to digest and fully understand. But if your ex was the type of person who gave you a lot of chances during the relationship to get your act together, until they finally gathered up the strength to leave; there’s a good chance they are not coming back. The reason is twofolds.
First, you have broken their trust multiple times. And breaking trust is like breaking a china bowl. If you break it once or twice, you can put it back together again. But the more you break it, the harder it becomes to put it back together.
The second reason is because the decision to finally leave was a very big decision for them. And the bigger a decision we make, the harder we try to stick to it. This is because of a psychological phenomenon called Cognitive Dissonance. I explain it in this article.
If there is a chance, it will only be after a long time has passed and a lot has changed. But even then, it’s best to not keep any hopes of reconciliation, accept that you screwed up and move on.
3. An ex who has a history of cutting off their ex permanently – Some people have a history of never going back to their ex and they are very adamant about sticking to it. They would make it clear during the relationship that they do it after a breakup (almost foreshadowing) and then they follow through after the breakup. Such exes would go completely silent after the breakup, either blocking you or ignoring all your messages.
The key to understanding it is “foreshadowing”. In my experience, such people continue this pattern in all their relationships for years. It feels almost like that they want to end in a breakup and never speak to their ex again. There are a lot of psychological issues here (dismissive avoidant attachment style) that could be discussed. But for brevity, let’s just say that if they foreshadowed it, then there is a good chance that a part of them wanted such a breakup because they have a pattern of doing this their entire life. As such, they won’t go back on their words. And you are better off giving up hope.
4. Breakups That Happen Due To Culture and Religion Differences – This one is sad because I hope that culture and religion doesn’t keep love apart. But unfortunately, it does. If culture and religion is important to a person and their family, and they broke up with you because of that, then there is a good chance that they will never change their decision. The truth is, culture and religion is deeply ingrained in our society and for some people, it’s more important than any type of love. Especially if they are close to their family. So if your breakup happened because your ex chose their culture or religion over you, then you are better off giving up hope.
My quiz will tell you your chances of getting back together based on your demographics, the reason for your breakup and how you acted after the breakup. Take the quiz here.
So what types of breakups do get back together?
Like I said, almost any type of breakup can get back together. But the above 3 examples of the types of breakups that rarely get back together should give you a better idea of your chances.
To summarize, situations where an ex is most likely to come back in a way that leads to getting back together include a feeling of unfinished business in the relationship.
If things were left unsaid, if potential of the relationship remained unexplored, if issues that could have been resolved remained unresolved, if insights about each other that could have been understood remained unknown, or if realizations that could have led to a great relationship remained unrealized – there is a high potential for them returning one way or another.
However, I have seen below examples of breakups getting back together more often than not. Note that if your type of breakup is in this list, it doesn’t guarantee a reconciliation. It just means that there is a possibility of getting back together and you should be cautiously hopeful.
These are the types of breakups that are likely to get back together based on my 15 years of breakup coaching experience.
1. On/off relationship patterns – If your relationship had an on/off pattern, then it is very likely to repeat again.
2. Temporary Long distance relationships – if you both broke up because of long distance but you are going to end up in the same city in the future, there is a good chance it will lead to reconciliation if you are both single.
3. The sudden breakup because of a fight – If your breakup happened in the heat of the moment, due to a big fight or misunderstanding; there’s a good chance it will resolve with time and they will come back.
4. Anxious/Avoidant Pattern – If one of you had an anxious attachment style (always fighting for the relationship, confronting your partner) and the other had an avoidant attachment style (avoiding conflict, shutting down); then there is a good chance you will get back together in the future. Unfortunately, you will most likely repeat the same patterns unless you both acknowledge your attachment styles and work to become secure.
5. Commitment Phobia – If one partner was afraid of commitment, but the relationship and connection was truly special; then there is a chance they will come back after the breakup.
6. Wanting to explore before commitment – If your partner left because of the “Grass is greener syndrome”; hoping to explore their options before committing; there’s a chance they will come back.
7. The “I need to work on myself” breakup – If your partner was not ready for a relationship and needed to work on themselves; they often come back when they are ready.
8. When you have children together – If you have children together, your partner will always prefer getting back together if they feel attraction and believe a healthy relationship is possible.
9. The relationship moved too fast and crashed – If your relationship moved too fast in the beginning (such as moving in together too fast and fought a lot) but broke up; then there is a good chance you will both reconnect after giving each other enough space and time.
10. Breakups that happen due to external stress (work or personal) – Breakups that happen due to burnout or external stress tend to get back together after enough time and space and after the external stress has diminished.
11. Breakups that happen because of immaturity – If you both acted immature during the relationship and broke up, there’s a chance you will come back together in the future after you have both matured. But the relationship will only work if both parties mature. A single person can not carry a relationship if their partner is extremely immature.
12. The blindsided breakup or the discard – If your ex left you suddenly with no prior warnings (such as telling you that they love you and want to spend their life together just a few days before the breakup); then there is a chance they may return within a year. Such breakups happen mostly because of the shame inside the dumper. And once enough time has passed, they may return realizing they made a mistake. But you must still be careful as they may repeat the same pattern again if they don’t truly process the core reason for the breakup.
13. The breakup followed by an immediate rebound – If your ex started a rebound relationship immediately after the breakup, there is a chance that the rebound relationship will end and they will come back. But you must weigh the pros and cons of getting back together including whether or not you can trust them again.
What if my breakup could get back together?
Okay, so you feel your breakup falls under the list of types of breakups that get back together. But that doesn’t mean that there is a guarantee you will get back together. Remember, your probably just wants to focus on the positive to avoid the pain of the breakup. So it’s easy to just sit back and think that you will both get back together.
The reality is, chances are you and your ex will not get back together. One of the studies done by Ex Back Permanently found that around 70% of people who want their ex back do not get back together. That includes all the types of breakups I mentioned above.
The list above only tells you the type of breakups that have a possibility of getting back together. Not the types of breakups that will get back together for sure.
So it’s important to understand that distinction. And keep in mind that even if you do get back together, there is no guarantee that you will both stay together in a healthy long term relationship.
That is why it’s important to focus on healing and becoming a better version of yourself.
I guess it’s fair to say that it’s more important to break the pattern that led to the breakup than it is to get back together.
For example, if you broke up because you were extremely anxious and jealous throughout the relationship, then it’s important to work on your anxious attachment style and your jealousy issues. It’s more important than getting back together with your ex because if you do get back together and repeat the same patterns, you will break up again.
Whereas, if you work on your issues and grow as a person, your next relationship will be a healthy one, whether it is with your ex or with someone else.
In addition, it’s also important to remember that just because you could get back together doesn’t mean you should get back together. You always need to choose what’s healthy for you and sometimes it is to let go of someone even if you love them.
Can I do something to increase my chances of getting back together?
Yes, of course you can. But it’s probably not something you imagine (such as sending the perfect text, or making them jealous). It comes down to giving each other space, truly healing from the breakup and becoming the best version of yourself. In my experience, that increases your chances of reconciliation more than anything else.
I explain this in my 5 step plan. Here’s the gist of it –
The 5 Steps To Get Your Ex Back in a Healthy Relationship
- Step 1 – Stop Desperately Trying To Get Them Back
- Step 2 – Give Each Other Space and Time
- Step 3 – Move On to Become a Better Version of Yourself
- Step 4 – Reconnect With Your Ex
- Step 5 – Talk About Getting Back Together
You deserve a healthy relationship – With Your Ex, or Without Them.
Find out if you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back by taking this quiz.
