It took me months to even entertain the idea of dating someone else after my breakup. But when a cute Brazilian girl showed interest in me, I couldn’t help but give in. I asked her out and went on a date. It went well and we dated for a few weeks.
However, I fell for her quickly. As if I was filling a hole in my life with her. Not to mention, there were so many compatibility issues and the fact that we were going to be long distance soon. Once we broke up, the loneliness hit harder than it should have.
It took me another couple of months to heal and be okay with being single. And then a good six months before I would put myself out there seriously.
All this to say, everyone heals at their own pace. And there is no set rule for when you should start dating after a breakup. You should do what feels right for you in your situation.
How long should I wait before I start dating again?
Even though every situation is different, I can give some recommendations to people who are recovering from a breakup about when would be the best time to start dating. But before you do, here are some things you should keep in mind –
The intensity and nature of your breakup matters –
If you were dating for a few months, you can start dating relatively sooner. But if you were dating for years, it’s probably a good idea to wait a couple of months to heal.
A good way to go about it is to take a moment to ask yourself how attached you were to your ex partner. If you were emotionally attached to your ex partner, your mind and body would go through grief sooner or later.
Depending on your personality or attachment style, you may process this grief with full force immediately after the breakup, or you may try to suppress it only for it to pop up later unexpectedly.
Whatever is the case, if you, at any point of time, felt a deep emotional connection with your ex, then you must try to grieve before you commit to another relationship. This is not only fair to your new partner, it’s also healthy for you.
Just because you felt nothing at the end of the relationship doesn’t mean you don’t need to grieve
A lot of people feel disconnected from their partner at the end of a relationship. Some people feel annoyed, others kind of shut down their emotions, while others claim to have grieved the breakup during the relationship.
In my experience, none of that is really grieving the breakup. Again, if you and your ex had a serious relationship, then your mind and body is going to take some time to accept that you are no longer together. And it’s going to take a while before you fully open up to loving again.
So even if you feel nothing after your breakup, give yourself some time regardless. Grief sometimes hit after a few weeks or months of the breakup. Meanwhile, just try to enjoy being single instead of jumping in another relationship.
Rebound Relationships can be healthy if you are honest
I am not one advocating for rebound relationships because so many well intentioned people have been blindsided when they find out they were nothing more than a rebound for someone they loved so deeply. It’s truly heartbreaking and takes a toll on your self-esteem.
But, if you are self-aware about your emotional state and your attachment to your ex partner, then rebound relationships can be a casual carefree way to get back in the game.
For me, my rebound partner knew very well that I was just coming out of the breakup and she still wanted to have a short term relationship with me. The relationship didn’t hurt anyone and there were no lies involved.
This was also the case for one of my client Casey who said,
“He was the one who approached me and I was honest from the beginning. I told him that I still had feelings for my ex but I will try my best to not bring him up when we were together. I honored my word and we had a good run for a couple of months after which we both decided that the connection just wasn’t there. I guess you could say our honeymoon period was over.”
But, if you go in a rebound relationship with self-deception, false expectations and lies, you will end up hurting both people, like what happened with my client Jennifer, –
“On paper he really was a nice guy and I wanted to give him a chance. I thought I could fall in love with him but after a couple of weeks, I just feel nothing for him anymore. It’s like a switch just flipped in my mind and I am missing my ex all the time. I keep crying and regretting breaking up with him. Jake was definitely a rebound for me and I regret dating him and I know he is going to be hurt because he really seems head over heels for me. Ugh I hate this.”
Everyone heals at a different pace but six months is a good timeline to keep in mind –
If you got out of a serious relationship, I recommend giving yourself at least a couple of months before you start dating. But if you don’t feel comfortable dating even after two months, take some more time.
In my research (of 2133 participants), I found that most people start some major emotional recovery after 3 months and can take up to a year.
So if you feel you need more time, don’t force yourself to date yet. Give yourself more time. Hopefully, you will feel like going on dates again within the next six months. Even if you don’t, I recommend just putting yourself out there after six months just to see how you feel. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, then put a pin on the idea of dating until you are feeling better.
Rediscover Yourself – Seriously, Do It!
This is probably the most important thing you can do after a serious breakup. Breakups sometimes feel like the lowest point of our lives. But in a lot of cases, they are also the starting point of something great. In my experience, people who use the pain from the breakup to rediscover themselves, focus on self-improvement, self-care and self-acceptance; tend to have an upward trajectory in their dating life.
A breakup does not mean something is wrong with you. But it doesn’t mean you are absolutely perfect the way you are. Everyone can and should introspect every once in a while and ask themselves the tough questions.
Best way to start dating again after a breakup?
The best way to start dating again after a breakup is to focus on making new friends and participating in hobbies/activities that you are interested in or passionate about.
Why?
Because it takes the pressure away from you about dating and gives you a natural way to meet interesting new people. If you find someone you are interested in romantically, ask them out.
This also aligns with the above point where instead of jumping into dating again, you are exploring new hobbies and interests, meeting new people and rediscovering yourself. More often than not, you will meet someone in your journey along the way. But even if you don’t, you will make tons of new friends.
The second best way to start dating again after a breakup is to get on dating apps such as Bumble, Hinge, eHarmoney, Match etc. These apps do work for some people. But always keep your expectations in check and remember that your success on these dating apps does not define your self-worth or value in the dating market.
